The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer | YMH Studios | January 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this raucous, unfiltered episode, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive deep into the isolating—and increasingly surreal—world of virtual reality sex, the existential implications of new tech, the psychology behind internet trolling, and the pitfalls of modern excess. They also reflect on their close friendship, parenting moments, career “lucky breaks,” and even debate the cultural relevance of the Paul brothers—all with the trademark mix of authenticity and irreverent humor that defines 2 Bears, 1 Cave.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Descent Into VR Orgies & The End of Humanity

• Bert shares his first “threesome”—revealed to be via Oculus VR adult content—and describes his escalating addiction to virtual reality orgies during his wife’s brief absence.
  • “It's hard to go back to one person.” – Bert ([00:25])
  • “I know that this is the end of humanity.” – Tom ([02:12])
  • “It’s loneliness not being attached to a real world.” – Bert ([09:23])
• Humorous but disturbing tales of multitasking VR porn with football, and the vivid realism of certain “experiences.”
  • “Look me in the eyes when you fuck me.” – VR avatar, described by Bert ([03:15])
  • “By the last day, Leanne’s got a flight home… I get one more orgy in.” – Bert ([03:39])
• Bert reflects, tongue-in-cheek and with flashes of sincerity, on how quickly technology can overtake human connection, and how easy it is to slip into a fantasy life.

2. Empathy for Internet Trolls: Isolation, Attention, and Comment Wars

• After a weekend lost in VR, Bert claims insight into why lonely men become online trolls—seeking negative attention because positive engagement is rare.
  • “One week alone with Oculus and I thought, I’m going to light some bitches up online… it’s loneliness.” – Bert ([09:17])
  • “If you reply, or I reply, that’s a home run. That’s like, ‘Shut up, I got into a celebrity’s head.’” – Bert ([12:36])
• Discussion about the strange feedback loop of social media comments, and a 10-year-old (Isla’s co-star) defending Bert in his show’s comment section.
  • “Now he’s got a communication and now he’s got something to do that day.” ([11:59])

3. On Friendship, Family, and Success

• The duo reminisce about spending Christmas Eve together, Bert bonding with Tom’s family, and what it means to maintain genuine friendship through fame.
  • “I forget sometimes….how good of friends we are…and I realized that Christmas Eve.” – Bert ([19:53])
• Stories about Tom’s kids: their quirks (“I love fashion!” says Tom’s seven-year-old in a suit), sibling dynamic, and Tom’s failed quest to convert them into football fans ([22:10]-[25:10]).
  • “My big disappointment in life…is that they don’t like football.” – Tom ([25:10])
• Brief talk about both comedians' current Netflix projects and the business-side of friendship.

4. Lucky Breaks: Comedy Careers Hinged on Chance

• Bert and Tom trade war stories on how luck and unforeseen moments shaped their comedy trajectories.
  • “Every comedian needs that one stroke of luck...” – Bert ([31:28])
  • Tom credits Comedy Central turning him down for a special, which led Netflix to license his act instead: “My stroke of luck, honestly, was that Comedy Central said no.” – Tom ([32:03])
• Anecdotes about Rogan, Kevin Hart, and others with their own luck-based career inflections.

5. The Problem of Excess: Shoes, Clothes, and Simplicity

• Inspired by a conversation with Shannon Sharpe, Bert questions how many shoes, shirts, or jackets a man truly needs—leading to confessionals about their own consumption habits.
  • “I got rid of 80 pairs of shoes." – Tom ([36:31])
  • “I've done it for cars...for watches, for clothes...it actually is more anxiety-inducing to have this overwhelming abundance.” – Tom ([37:07], [42:05])
• Nostalgia and self-soothing as motivators for shopping; both men are striving for less–not more—in midlife.

6. Authenticity About Weight Loss & Health Fads

• Bert discusses openness about taking Mounjaro (a GLP-1 agonist) for weight loss, how it affects him, and the prevalence of these drugs: “If you are having, if you have an issue with your weight…I found Mounjaro worked for me.” ([51:59])
• Fatty-baddie influencers and “crazy coffee orders” as a throughline for unhealthy habits ([45:47]).
• Health setbacks—Bert’s mystery leg injury possibly tied to an Achilles issue, reluctance to see a doctor (“podiatrists are like dentists, they’re not real doctors”—Bert, [55:13])—lead to talk of the upcoming 2 Bears 5K, competitiveness with Jelly Roll, and fitness goals.

7. Jake & Logan Paul: The New American Dreams?

• Bert makes a provocative case for Jake and Logan Paul as “American gods” for constructing massive fame and fortune out of chutzpah and online clout, not raw athletic gifts ([56:17]-[61:18]).
  • “Jake and Logan Paul are better than any gene in our family…they are the American fucking dream.” – Bert ([59:24])
  • “What he did brilliantly was create the persona and…build this thing out of nothing.” – Tom ([59:40])
• Tom adds: “He made himself…the kid can box…but he understands, you create villains, people want to watch you lose.”

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Bert, on VR escapism: “I got a taste of what it’s like…I don’t want to say incel, but, you know, like a lonely dude.” ([10:27])
• Tom, on internet trolling: “If I say the hateful thing, that’s how I get someone to talk to me.” ([12:25])
• Bert, on consumerism: “It doesn’t feel good to have too much stuff…it’s causing me to feel like, what the f—? I feel like I’m on PCP, like a lunatic.” ([42:59])
• Tom, on letting go: “I’ve donated stuff, I’ve gotten rid of stuff, I’ve sold stuff…because it just doesn’t feel good.” ([37:41])
• On Bert’s weight loss: “I’m down 30 pounds…but none of my pants fit!” ([44:48])
• On Jake Paul: “Look at Jake Paul and take a page out of his book, because that kid created something out of absolutely fucking nothing.” – Bert ([58:00])
• Tom, on parenting: “My big disappointment in life so far…has been that they don’t like football.” ([25:10])

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Important Timestamps

• VR Orgies & End of Humanity: [00:12] – [04:43]
• Empathy for Trolls / Loneliness: [09:17] – [13:09]
• Friendship & Christmas Eve Stories: [19:02] – [27:36]
• Comedy Lucky Breaks: [31:20] – [34:03]
• On Consumption & Decluttering: [35:45] – [44:46]
• Weight Loss, Health, and the 5K: [44:48] – [55:13]
• Jake/Logan Paul Discourse: [56:16] – [61:33]

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Tone & Style

True to Two Bears, One Cave, the conversation is unapologetically candid, self-mocking, and at times unexpectedly reflective. Both storytellers blend irreverent humor with flashes of sincerity, never shying from taboo, awkward, or unglamorous topics.

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Final Notes

The episode—hilarious and unvarnished as ever—dives deep into the intersections of technology, loneliness, fame, and friendship. Bert and Tom deliver a conversation that, while chaotic and zig-zagging, offers relatable wisdom about modern anxieties, success, and the human need to be seen. If you're seeking serious, unfiltered laughs and surprising doses of self-awareness, this is classic 2 Bears, 1 Cave.

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Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%. New episode of Two Bears. One K. Tommy. I have my first three.

[Tom Segura]

One Cave.

[Bert Kreischer]

One Cave. What did I say?

[Tom Segura]

One K. God damn it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Three K's. The. I had my first threesome.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Where was it?

[Bert Kreischer]

In my bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

What's his. What are their names?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't. I didn't get their names. Oh, it was on Oculus.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Let me tell you. Well, I mean, yeah, it's hard to go back to one person.

[Tom Segura]

I know, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I. I didn't do enough of a deep dive.

[Tom Segura]

My son got a VR headset, and I was like, let me show you. The best site is awesome, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. This takes a part of your soul.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's in. It's.

[Tom Segura]

It's this, too, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

When you're like, dude, I was in a fisom. So Leanne went out of town, and so. And I've never been able to use the Oculus. I'm afraid someone's gonna walk into me like a blind person jacking off just in their room. And someone's like. He gets done, and everyone just claps. And so Lianco's out of town for two days. So I run over the bus, I grab the Oculus, I race home. I mean, I'm, like, charging them in the car.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Throw them on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

One girl, Just me and this chick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was quick. I'm not. I was. I was. It was. It was good. And then I was like, I'm going to. I'm going to probably fuck her again tonight. Yeah. Yeah. And so I get. Later that night, I'm, like, in bed, and I'm like, might as well. No, no, no. I started watching. It was. I think it was Saturday, and there was some football going on, or Sunday, and it's raining. It's beautiful. And then I go, I should explore these Oculus. So I go and get this thing. It's called Brink, and you can travel the world. And I'm like, oh, cool. But then I'm sitting at the Corona Arch in. In the Mojave Desert. I'm going, I should have someone sucking my dick while I'm here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

What am I meant? Why isn't someone sucking my dick? Yeah, if it's there, I want my dick sucked. Do you have.

[Tom Segura]

Do you do the dual screen where, like, you see the desert and then the blowjobs over here?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tommy. Yeah, I was. I. This is how bad I got. I got the screen where you can see reality. I can see the screen. I'm watching Football. And there's a chick. Another chick in the corner of my house on the dog bed. And I'm just sitting there going, this is.

[Tom Segura]

I know that this is the end of humanity.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is the end of humanity.

[Tom Segura]

We're definitely about to just. It's all about to end.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so then. And then the. The devil's tongue was. I get my first three. It was a twosome.

[Tom Segura]

Threesome as you and another person.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, threesome. Threesome. Okay. Oh, I got to. Seven people. Wow. I was a dj. It was an Airbnb, and they didn't want to lose their deposit, and they were like, we have an extra day. You should hang out with us.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a good story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. It got. Those girls should be getting stock in the company because they're giving away a part of their soul forever. Yeah, they're. They are different than porn stars. They're losing their humanity. They.

[Tom Segura]

This is really gonna help them.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. No, I'm being serious. If you are a VR girl there. I have some tips. There's one girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She gets on top of me. She's got. Her Two friends are working my nipples.

[Tom Segura]

That's nice, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

She's on top of me. A friend's making out with her. Another girl's playing with her tits. And she. She's got red hair. And she looks at me and she goes, look me in the eyes when you fuck me. And I look up and I'm staring in her eyes, Tom. And I'm. And I. And I said out loud, is this real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I had, like. I had, like, fucking about nine orgy. I was texting you the whole time. I just got done an orgy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is crazy. I mean, by the last day, Leanne's got a flight home, and I know I'm not going to race to get one more org.

[Tom Segura]

You got to get one more in, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in my room, murdered out, blacked out, curtains. It's. And they're whispering in your ear. This last one I get. Yeah, it's a five some. Oh, no, it's a three foursome. I'm a mental patient who's lost his memory, and they're trying to jog my memory back.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that always helps when you get your dick sucked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I.

[Tom Segura]

The last.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Tom Segura]

I haven't done it in over a year and a half. I had it in the VR headset in my office. And the last time I did it, I came as I walked into my desk, and it hurts so bad. That it traumatized me. I haven't used it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

This one girl. This one girl said to me. She goes, I'm fucking this one chick, and this other chick's playing with. Whispering in my ear. And then I hear this girl go, look at me. And I look at me. She goes, look at me, little pervert. And I was like, oh. And I came right away. I was like, God, I'm a pervert. Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then Leanne came in. Leanne came home.

[Tom Segura]

Great to see you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. So good to see you. Can't wait to go back to you. Hey, let's do it in the dark. I was just gonna put my. My sleep apnea mask on. Yeah. And I had to tell her. I had to tell her. I go, just so you know, I've been like, nine orgies this weekend. Yeah. She was like, what? I go, oculus goggles. She goes, why would you even do that? And I was like, no. I don't know. It's the bet. They do this one. They do this one move. This is just for us Oculus insiders. Where. Where they make you eat their. I don't. I don't know how to say it. I know there's. Everyone says unalived now, so I don't know what to say. Flagged.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They make you do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

They get it right here, where you're almost going like this. Oh, and it's right in your.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like, 8K. You could be like, you got to see a dermatologist. This is not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, where's Leanne's labia been? And then I did research. Do you know that women in menopause lose their labia?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? I found that out.

[Tom Segura]

How do they lose it?

[Bert Kreischer]

And it falls off, I guess.

[Tom Segura]

Just kind of drops under a pillow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they get a wish.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's. And so. But these young girls have crazy labias. Like. And I'm just like, well, that's a lot of labia, man. I'm 53. I need something more discreet that it was. But I kept thinking. So this is my thought. You know, I've never understood. And I. I don't mean this to attack anyone or anything, but I've never, never understood guys who leave shitty comments on, like, women's accounts that, like, you're a. You. You hope. Hope your dad. Hope your dad's proud. Wear a brawl next time you skateboard. And you're like, what.

[Tom Segura]

What's going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

I never understood that guy. And then he's got a family. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And then his bio is like, Christ. Christ believer. Yeah, Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love the girls that. I love when women post the. Got the picture of the guy and his hateful comment.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never understood those guys. I never. I never leave negative comments. I do leave comments, but they're always funny. I know I'm. I left one on Anthony Jessel Nick's the other day. And I know I'm. I didn't even look at it because I know I'm gonna get trashed. Anthony Jeselnick. It's like all the smart comics are doing book clubs. It's like the big thing these days.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's a bunch doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

2. Oh, John Mulaney and Anthony Jeselnik.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so they do. Mulaney is like 600 page books.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, okay, yeah, he can really read.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine how much he could read on coke. I bet he flew through those books. I bet those are all coke books. Just. I just learned about Australia.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so Jeselnik's book is called the Getaway. And he's like, jesel. Nick's new thing is like, in my book club, I'm only doing. I'm doing a Jeslac in my book club. I'm only doing books with great fucking endings. So you gotta. It's gonna be a great ending and the best ending. I know the Getaway. And I go to the comments and it's like every smart fucking nerdy comic like Patton Oswald. This was one of the best books. I reread this three times over the summer. Who reads her and the ending is crazy. And then it's another smart comic. This is the best ending I've ever seen. I can't. I can't wait to hear people's thing. And so I just wrote a comment. Hey, can someone tell me how this book ends? Yeah, and I know I'm getting by, kid. Who don't, dude, that's the whole point of the book club. Bert. You read the fucking book?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, I did buy the book.

[Tom Segura]

Are you reading it?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. I got. I got. What was it? Rugrats?

[Tom Segura]

You're reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bought Diary of a Wimpy Kids the Getaway on accident. And it showed up and I was like, this is not the one I ordered. And I fucking posted it to. I sent it to Jeselnik. I wasn't gonna post it. I sent it to Jeselnik. Jeselnik's reply was, I'm amazed that you use Instagram to communicate with people. I'm laughing hysterically. You're communicating with me through Instagram versus, like, a text. I don't know. Yeah, I don't have his number, so I just. I just DM'd him. I had a video. I don't know. Spade's the same way Spade does. That's how Spade communicates.

[Tom Segura]

Spade leaves, only sends voice notes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, voice notes.

[Tom Segura]

He only sends voice notes, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I got this. I got Justin Oak's book. I'm gonna read it. I always like those guys that are smart and read. But here's the point, here's the point, here's the point. I never leave comments, Tommy. I never leave comments.

[Tom Segura]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Negative comments. I just don't do it. There's things I don't like, but you.

[Tom Segura]

Don'T comment on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would never come. I just, like. I'm not a big fan of the wnba, but I'm not in their fucking comment section. Like, this is what is fucking wrong with America.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. One week alone with Oculus, and I thought, I'm going to light some bitches up online.

[Tom Segura]

Light them up.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's loneliness. It's loneliness not being attached to a real world. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you know what else it is, dude? It's. It's that you have a place to put it now. See, like, before all this existed, you didn't have the out. Like, this is the outlet. The outlet is you can go to someone's page and be like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That didn't exist before. You had to write a letter and put a stamp on it. Like, that's not a thing anymore. So it's a place to go if.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'Re a dude and probably not in great shape. Right. Dandruff, black shirt shows up everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

Not thriving.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not thriving. Not. Not. You know, and I really kind of. One weekend alone, I was by myself the whole weekend. No one even. No one even called me. Tom, you're the only person I texted. No one called me. I didn't get any texts. On Sunday night, Leanne had Sandy and Tom, our friends, reach out, going, hey, you haven't talked to anyone all weekend. Would you like to come over for dinner? And I was like, I got Oculus here. I got fucking seven bitches waiting in my room.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The fuck am I going to hang out with you guys?

[Tom Segura]

You got a little taste of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a taste of what it's like to be. I guess what they'd Say is like an. I don't want to say incel, but, you know, like a lonely dude.

[Tom Segura]

It's loneliness.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lonely dude who's just like living in. Living in online and, and having that be your expression and not. And not especially if you don't drink and maybe you smoke weed, there's no reason to go out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I really, like, I, I don't mean this like, I'm not trying to be like, deep, but really, at the end of that week, I understood those dudes who leave negative comments because I was like, yeah, I get it, I get it. You didn't have something. You're not going to get noticed if you say something nice.

[Tom Segura]

You're right, you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not going to get noticed if you're like, dude, your special was great, or Bert, your new series is awesome. But if you're like, bert, that was the best. I don't read comments, but I got the little girl that plays Isla in my show. Her mom texted me. She goes, I hope you're okay with this, but Lilu's lighting people up in your comments. And I was like, what? And she screen grabbed and it was, you know, it's the trailer to free Bert and some dude's like, this dude fell off.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Lilu, who's fucking 10, wrote off your mom. She's just lighting these dudes up and then these dudes are coming after her, not knowing she's 10. And you're like, I go, hey, just do. I don't care. But I don't want her. I don't want her to see. This isn't.

[Tom Segura]

It's not good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Stand up for me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's really, it's really adorable though.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I understand that guy that goes, he gets more attention and now he's in a fight and now he's got a communication and now he's got something to do that day. I'm not defending the guys who leave negative comments, but I'm understanding it after that weekend alone is like you're sitting there with, with, with little to nothing to do and you throw a hateful thing out and then someone's like, fuck you. And now you're talking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you got, you got it to work.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one in the world wanted to talk to you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now someone wants to talk to you.

[Tom Segura]

And it's a fight and it reinforces that. Like, if I say the hateful thing, that's how I get someone to talk to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if you reply or I reply.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that's a fucking home run. That's like, Shut up. I got no fucking celebrity's head. Yeah. Yeah. And the reason I don't read comments is, is one day, one guy got in my head and. And I. And this guy, who I don't know, kind of fucked my day up. And I was like, why would I let that happen? Why would I ever allow my day to get fucked up? But then I understood, that guy's not. He doesn't hate me. He's not. He doesn't. He just needs someone to talk to.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's lonely, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, it was really. I'll tell you what, Oculus changed my life. Now they're. They're so greasy.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

Powered by Artificial Intelligence Detective Raven, you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Charged with the murder of your wife. I'm not guilty of. You have 90 minutes to prove it or you will be executed. He must use the tools, every camera.

[Tom Segura]

And cell phones at your disposal to solve the mystery.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I see my daughter's socials? Hear that? Someone was in my basement. Chris Pratt. Maybe she found something she wasn't supposed to. Rebecca Ferguson. You must move from one piece of the puzzle to the next.

[Tom Segura]

No, I have something here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Mercy. Rated PG13. May be inappropriate for children under 13. Only in theaters January 23rd. Yeah. Cuz I didn't give a. These are my Oculus. I'm. I got lube in both hands. Yeah, yeah, I'm dropping. Oh, yeah. You don't know the panic when you drop your fucking handles in a dark room and the screen goes to black with a pause button and you're like, how the fuck do I get back in this orgy? And you're rubbing everything and try to find, like, Helen Keller trying to find the two fucking handles. Yeah, get back in the goddamn orgy. I think I'm done with Oculus.

[Tom Segura]

So that was it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I've had sex with Leanne.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when she got home, was it better? It feels better.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Feels. It definitely feels better.

[Tom Segura]

And with a human.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But she doesn't talk. Like, I want her to watch a.

[Tom Segura]

Couple of them and just be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Say stuff like, look me in the eyes, you pervert.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to get them away for your boys. You can't. Your boy.

[Tom Segura]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your boys should not have them.

[Tom Segura]

No, they're not. They're just. They're. They're just lobbying for more violent games. They're like, listen, okay, I know we're kids, but these are games like, why can't we just do GTA 5? And I'm like, just, no. And they're like, you can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know why? There's this room I went to. I went to this room. I was on Oculus the whole fucking weekend. Yeah. I went to this room. I was like, what's this? And it's like a spaceship, and you're in space, and you're like this. And I see this dude run across this, like, going jogging, and I go, who the fuck is this guy? And then all of a sudden, this guy comes up and goes, hi, what's your name? And I look over and it's a dude right in my ear. I went, what? And then it goes, enable microphone. And I was like, no, no. I was like, you could get these rooms.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to get them away for your boys. Your boys. We. So just for everyone, they're doing.

[Tom Segura]

They have a. They don't have, like, the Oculus. They have the PlayStation 1 for the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. But they're just like, I just want to go shoot stuff. And I'm like, yeah, I know, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

We. We. It's funny. I've been. I've been talking a lot about our friendship to, like, people. Like. Cause our friendship's really interesting. Like, we are Business partners.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we are friends. When you get money, your friendship, you turn into different wealthy people in a weird way, but your friendship's still there. Yeah, but just things like I was telling someone yesterday, like, the first time I made good money. You're like, you should treat yourself. That's what you do when you get good money. Treat yourself. You sent me a picture of his Gucci bag, and I was like, nice. So I went to Gucci in Vegas. I didn't know it, bought this $3,000 bag, and I sent a picture of it. And you go, oh, how did Leanne like it? And I go, huh? And you go, I got that for Christina. And I went, I bought it for myself. And you're like, I have the woman's bag. And I went, oh, fuck. But those. But that's the interesting thing is, like. And. And so. But we got, like. This is going to sound weird, but I forget sometimes, only because we work so much together, how good of friends we are. And I realized that Christmas Eve.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Because we got to hang out. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

We were in D.C. we should set the stage. We were in D.C. because we were both doing press with Netflix for my special came out. It's called Teacher Netflix. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

And then your series is coming out. Free bird comes out January 22nd.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only on Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

Only on Netflix. So because Netflix had the broadcast which was Commanders Cowboys, and they're, you know, they're. They did. I think they had 40 promos on this broadcast because they knew so many people would be watching of all their stuff. We were there. We were both there. I was there with Christine and the boys. And then you were there alone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was there with Kyle.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, with Kyle. And then you're like, hey, let's. You know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's. It's. This is. No, this is what I talk about with the friendship is that I go. I hit you up old school, like the regular Tom and Burton. I was like, yo, Christmas Eve, can I hang out with you and your family? And you're like, of course. And then as I got closer, I was like, you know, I'm a lot. And, you know, and I am. And. And sometimes you just want to hang out with your family in the. In the room and not. And not go do something or go to dinner and maybe, like, everyone wants to sit in the pajamas and watch a movie. What am I sitting doing? Just drinking vodka in the corner. Yeah. And so I hit you up the next day. I was like, hey, just so you know, don't you? Don't have to invite me to Christmas Eve. I can do my own thing. And then you're like, I definitely want you a Christmas Eve.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we pull up to the hotel, and I see your boys getting out of the car, and Push is talking to the driver or someone in the back. And I go up to your boys. I go, state police. I need CIDs right now. And they go, fat sticks. They're like, we knew you were coming. We knew you were coming. I go, I got fucking awesome presents for you guys. And they're like, when do we get them? I go, you get them tonight. And they're like, oh, what are you doing right now? Do you want to come to our room? And I was like. I was like, I don't know. And then Push saw me, she was like, hey. And it was so. Yeah. Fun.

[Tom Segura]

It's like old school.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was old school. It was so fucking.

[Tom Segura]

We hung out. You and I hung out with the kids and everything. Christmas Eve dinner, and they were. They were just themselves.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're. Do you want to see me choke my brother out?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He's like, I bet I could. I bet I could tap you out. Your oldest has so much energy.

[Tom Segura]

It's wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

And your youngest is a one of one.

[Tom Segura]

I know he is. That child is every day now. He's like, can I wear my suit today? And I'm like, I mean, we're going downstairs to the lobby of the hotel. He's like, is that a no? I'm like, no, you can wear your suit. And then he wears a suit. And then people go, you're dressed up. He goes, I love fashion. And they're like, how old are you? He's like, I'm seven. He's like. And they're like, and you love fashion. He's like, yeah, so did David Bowie. And then he just tells them, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'S what he said to me. He goes, I swear to God. He goes, do you like David Bowie? And I. I see Christina go, okay. I go, yeah, I love David Bowie. He goes, did you know David Bowie's been dead nine years now? I was like, I didn't know that. He goes, he died of liver cancer. And I was like, okay. Yeah. And he was like, do you know I know every David Bowie song? And I said, you do? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I quiz me. And I was like, what? Yeah, he loves David Bowie. And then randomly, I get home and my favorite podcast is an hour documentary on David Bowie.

[Tom Segura]

I started playing it for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

He was he was, like, lit up, just totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so funny. They're very different boys, but perfect brothers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're great. And they. Dude, they fight, you know? Oh, yeah, fight. Like, I have to physically separate. And then two seconds later, they're just, like, hanging out, laughing. And. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ellis gets on a subject. He goes. He goes, do you think I type you out? I was like, what? And you're like, ellis takes Jiu Jitsu. He goes, I'm really good. Do you think I can type you out? I said, my daughter takes Jiu Jitsu, and immediately his Shift focus. And he goes, what belt is she?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, I don't know. She used to take lessons. He goes, what belt is she? Can you find out what belt she is? Do you think I could fight your daughter? Do you think I could take your daughter down? I bet I could tap her out. I'm really good. I'm quick, too, but I fight the bigger kids. And you guys are like. You guys are like, he does fight with the bigger kids. And then. And then. And then Julian's like, I didn't like Jiu Jitsu.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know. We were on the. We were on vacation. And, like, other people would be like, you know, people see kids and they're like, how you doing? Like, where are you from? He would introduce himself as a champion cross country runner and a jujitsu guy. And I was like. And they're like, oh, okay. He's like, yeah, I'm really fast. They're like, that's nice to meet you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I leaned into. I leaned into the boys, and I said, hey, do you think it would be cool if I went on your vacation? I don't tell your parents. I just show up and, like, almost like a spy, I show up and prank them the whole time. And Ellis, it's like. He goes, can this be real? And I went, yeah, it can be real. I'll show up and they won't know, and you guys will help me, and we'll prank them the whole time. And Ellis is like, oh, oh, oh, oh, this is gonna be great. This is gonna be great at the end of the night. And he goes, are you coming on a vacation? I go, I don't know. I'll check. And he goes, no, you need to let me know. And I was like, okay, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Christmas Day, we went to the game, which was so fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't. I didn't see any of it. I showed up, did my part, and got on a plane, left.

[Tom Segura]

It was so fun. And they were. They Were. You know, my big disappointment in life so far, I know, has been that they don't like football.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, the only reason I had you guys. I tell them all the time, like, that was the only reason you were born, was to watch football together. And every time I've been watching football over the years, they're like. They'll walk in the room, they'll be like, ah, let me watch something else. And I'm like, you. You're out of the will.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not.

[Tom Segura]

You're not even part of this family. Right. Like, just. Anyway, as the years have gone by, a little more interest. And then when I was like, we're going to a game, I could see that they were. I was like, oh, this might be, like, the thing. So we get there, and they're like, you know, they're looking at the stadium, and Netflix put us in a suite that they had, and they were like, this is awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was in the suite.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like Seth Rollins.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. It wasn't anybody like that. It was mostly people you wouldn't know, really, but it wasn't, like, packed in there either. But they were, like, taking it in. And they were like. They had so much interest. I was like, oh, this is great. I started to, like. It's like, what you dream about. I was, like, explaining the game, what's happening? Because they had zero interest before. And so I'm, like, laying it out. And then they're like. So, like. I'm like, it's. It's Dallas versus Washington. And they're like, who do we cheer for? And I'm like, I don't know. I go, I mean, we live in Austin, so Dallas is pretty close. And they're like, we're definitely Dallas. And I was like, all right, cool. And they're like, come on, Yell. Come on, Texas. And I was like, no, it doesn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't work like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on, Cowboys.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, what? I go, is Dallas. You got it. You got to be specific. It's Dallas. And they're like, oh, okay. And they would scream out the open window. They're like, cowboys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Washington sucks.

[Tom Segura]

And then, like, everybody in the suite was rescued or Commander's fans.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they would be like, turn their heads to these two little psychos. Julian in his suit, of course, and like, screaming about it. And they got really into it. So the main thing is I, you know, the season's ending, but I'm like, I got to get these guys to games more. That's. That's what I learned, is, like, you got to get them to a game. But anyway, at the end of the day, it was Christmas Day, we go back to the hotel, and we're sitting there, and it's, like, finally winding down. The energy of the day is winding down. And then Ellis sits there, and I see him kind of, like, head down. I go, what's up? He goes, I miss. I miss Bert. I go, really? He goes, yeah, he's my fat uncle. I go. I go, well, we can see him again. He goes, today? I go, no, he left. He goes, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wished I wanted so bad to go sit in the suite with you guys. I knew I. I knew they were asking.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, is Bert coming? Is he coming up? I was like, I don't know. I think he's. He's got to catch a flight. And every, like, 20 minutes, they'd be like, is Burke coming up now? I was like, well, he's working right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would have been so good. I told them. Oh, I told them. I said, we got to do a family trip. I'll take my girls, and you guys come with you guys. And they're like, what are we doing? I go safari. And they're like, what? Yeah. I was like, let's go to Africa. And then I told my girls, and my girls are like, well, we have to babysit them. And I said, absolutely not. And they're like, we're in. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. The new year doesn't require a new you. Maybe just a little less burden you. Therapy can help more easily identify what holds you back by offering an unbiased perspective to. For better understanding your relationships, motivations, and emotions. You know, if you haven't done therapy, that makes no sense to you. It really does. You go, they're my relationships. They're my emotions. What am I talking about, dude? When you're in therapy and you have another person going, you know, I'm noticing a pattern. You don't notice your own pattern. Take a look at Charlie Sheen. He never noticed his pattern. And then one day he did. And look, he's doing great. That's what therapy does, and it works. Better Help works according to a strict code of conduct that are fully licensed in the US if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, Better Help is the world's. With over 30,000 therapists,. Better Help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally. And like I said, and I'll say say it again, it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Better help makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] bears. That's betterhelp.com bears.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

The. I want to ask you a question. Okay. And. And this is based off of Need. I was talking to Shannon Sharpe the other day.

[Tom Segura]

Shay Shay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shay Shay. I did come, Shay Shay. To promote the new show.

[Tom Segura]

Amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I think I'm gonna get a lot of shit for it immediately. Ever do a podcast and the second you get in the car you're like, I definitely shouldn't have said that. Let me get a phone call from Kevin Hart.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. So he just looks at me. Shannon Sharp goes, you said, Kevin Hart needs to talk about all the luck in his life. Cat Williams packed a gun in his suitcase. And that's the only reason I like that movie. And I was like. I was like, who does your research? Fucking the Internet. God, that is a deep cut. I said that once to a fucking girl fucking 10 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, yeah, I can't wait for this.

[Tom Segura]

These are gonna be some viral clips.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was always the folklore. And then I broke it down. I said, you know, every comedian needs, like, that one stroke of luck. I go, we all got it. And for me, it's the machine story going Viral. That one girl posts the clip that says, this story's 100% true. I was in his class. He fucking robbed us. That helped me. That's the spark. And I go, tommy. It was. Tommy got on Netflix the same time Bill Burr was on Netflix. It's the only two comics. Bill Burr's huge. I don't know if I actually said this. I think I just said Netflix. But you get on Netflix with Bill Burr, and they go, did you like Bill Burr? Then you're gonna love Tom Segura. And all of a sudden, you're. I remember you saying, I don't need to do presses. My.

[Tom Segura]

My. My stroke of luck, honestly, was really that Comedy Central said no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That was my stroke of luck that, like, they said no. And then Netflix was just in licensing stuff. They're like, we just want to license a bunch of. It's like, 2013. That was my. You're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, yeah, this is like, these are specials. And they just were like, yeah, we'll take it. That was my luck.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I go, bill Burr's luck is that Philly rant.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That goes viral. And everyone's like, this guy's a fucking genius. I go, jim Jeffries got punched in the head at the Comedy Store.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He happened to have a manager, Brett Vincent, who knew how to work the Internet. So he took the clip off the security cam, posted to MySpace, goes viral. I go, rogan calls up Mencia. I go, listen. I mean, listen, this is. And this is my take, and I'm allowed to have my opinion.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But without that Mencia video and Rogan getting kicked out of the Comedy Store, losing his agent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And all of that, the punishment he got from this team, maybe he doesn't reset and start his podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe he's not sitting there going, what are we gonna do today?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, and then you get an interesting take. It's an interesting take. It's. But then the irresponsible part of me is, I. One time I heard a drunk agent say, the only reason Kevin Hart got Fool's gold is because Cat Williams packed a gun in his luggage to go to the trip.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. And they said, pat Cat. They were shooting the movie. They're ready to shoot it, and they're like. They're like, yo, we need someone who'll sit, fit into a medium.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know that that's offensive, because I think the thing is that, like, everybody gets a thing, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And, like, to Kevin's Credit, like what he's done is taken whatever opportunity he was given and knocked it out of the park.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. He's not there. He's not here by accident.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. But everyone has that one spark of luck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really catapults him.

[Tom Segura]

And I think that's crazy to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, good. Well, that.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, someone's going to act like it's real crazy to say. Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then all those guys on Oculus goggles that are going to light me up, I just give you my number and you call me and we'll talk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I said some stuff about Tracy Morgan. I just. It was. It's a good interview. I think people are going to love it. But. But I said to Club. I said to Shannon Sharp, who's by so much bigger in person.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. I said, he's jacked.

[Tom Segura]

He's like 60 or something, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's jacked.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's. And he drank. We drank. I drank half a bottle of Courage.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which by the end, I'm just drunk. Yeah. And. And then I started interviewing him and I asked him a question that's kind of me up now. Okay. I said, what's the difference between when you had a million dollars when you first signing. He was seventh round draft pick. Wasn't much, didn't expect much. His first resigning Bonus was for $450,000 with a $700,000 bonus. Right. So it was over a million dollars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, what's the difference between now then and now when you have this money? And he thought about it and he goes, back then, I had to wait to buy a watch. And I said, yeah. And he goes, now I just buy watches. I said, which was better? And he goes, then I said, so what are we doing? Like, if it was better, then what are we doing? He was like, I don't know. He goes, I guess you want security to put your family, you know, take care of your family and stuff. And I thought about it. Now I want to whittle it down. So it's fun for everyone to do this game. If you're listening, and maybe we put it in the comments. I did it to Leanne today, and I'm curious what your answers are. We'll start with with shoes. How many pair of shoes does a man need in his life?

[Tom Segura]

You're talking to the wrong guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're looking at the other wrong guy. I have. I had a shoe addiction for a period, and I have a room full of shoes that I don't use. And now I'm looking at them going, this is wasteful.

[Tom Segura]

Do you know that? Do you know that I've gone, You know, I don't know if I told you that what you're talking about is something that I've been feeling and dealing with, and it's not like a big thing, but it's like. Which was like the idea of excess and wastefulness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So in the last few months, it really occurred to me what you're saying. And so I got rid of. This is grotesque. I got rid of 80 pairs of shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Because I was like, I was looking at them and I was like, what is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then I, I did it for cars. I was like, this is so stupid. I really did. I was like, what am I doing the same thing you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was like, why do I. I don't. It's like, I go, this, these are, they're just become like, I. I never wanted to be like a museum piece person. Like, let's just look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you know, for anything. And then I also did it. I've done it for watches.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, don't do that. Yeah. Yeah, don't. Okay. I said to Leanne, how many watches does a man need? That's how it started. I didn't want to say that because I know watches is.

[Tom Segura]

And I did it for. And, and for Trigger warning for podcast for just clothes. I just, I just felt like it's. It actually is more anxiety inducing to have this overwhelming abundance of, like, stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then you go, what do I even really love? Or like. And I know it's like a boohoo comment. Like, people will be like, oh, I got too much stuff. It's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's true.

[Tom Segura]

I got too much stuff. And it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to have too much stuff. And so I've donated stuff. I've gotten rid of stuff. I've sold stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait. So wait. Okay. So the first coin I asked her is, how many shoes does a man need? And she said, you need a pair of. A pair of nice shoes. You need a pair of running shoes, and you need a pair of kick around shoes and a pair of flip flops.

[Tom Segura]

She said, four.

[Bert Kreischer]

Four pairs of shoes.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's a little low.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a little low. And I, I said, just ballparking. And I want to know what your answers are. I wish, I wish I could read comments. I'd love to know what people think. I said, A total no more than nine pairs of shoes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I think if you are. You're working person, you have a job, you like having shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That you kind of probably got work boots.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, let's say you have your work boots, your dress shoes. Let's say a black and brown pair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black and brown pair.

[Tom Segura]

Then you have your trainers for the gym. Let's say you're. If you're a runner or you like weightlifting, you have separate shoes for that. And then for, like, your everyday life, you know, there's. Most People want some variety. Right. So if you have, like, black ones and blue ones and gray, like, I do think capping it. You don't have to put a cap on it, obviously, but to me, it's like, once you have 20 pairs of shoes, you're on. Yeah. You're like. And then what. I really. The reason I was thinking about this was like, I was walking and looking at, like, what am I going to wear today? And I realize that I was always pulling, like, the same, like, eight pairs of shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that the other ones were just decorations and the same thing for, like, driving. I was like, what am I doing? Like, I have, like. And it's fine. I understand. There's people. There are car collectors, and I know people personally who have 60 cars and they're thrilled with it. And I've been to their garage. I'm like, this is insane. And I'm. I think it's. It's awesome. If it works for you. I don't think it works for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Christian, how many pairs of shoes do you have? I mean, let me guess. Three. How many? Seven, Eight.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

In college. In college, I had two pairs of shoes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had running shoes and flip flops. And I only wore flip flops everywhere. Yeah. I wore flip flops everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wore yours, by the way, over vacation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why, thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are great.

[Tom Segura]

They're great.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're great. I wish we were still in. We were still making them.

[Tom Segura]

Those are great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He changed the design and the design. I didn't like the new design, so I stopped wearing them. I just wear all the old ones. I have nine pairs of old ones. I. Flip flops are bad. Okay. How about shirts? How many shirts should a man have?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's. Let's just do T shirts.

[Tom Segura]

T shirts.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many T shirts should a man have?

[Tom Segura]

I think you want to have. You want. You probably want doubles, at least of, like, two black. Yeah. Two white.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two white.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. And then if you have, like, let's say, a variety of six or seven others. You kind of like, that's what you end up wearing.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many T shirts do you have?

[Tom Segura]

Don't. Don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ballpark it.

[Tom Segura]

Now or after? Because I. I just did the purge before the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before the clean.

[Tom Segura]

Before the purge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before the purge.

[Tom Segura]

A few hundred.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a few hundred.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have my sister Annie. She does. I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Jackets, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you. I remember you went through a jacket phase.

[Tom Segura]

It's not over.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many jackets do you have?

[Tom Segura]

Hundreds.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But I also have been like, yeah, it's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

I realized, dude, that it is. It is like a form of self soothing. And like, it's an impulse thing. And I'll. And like, the thing I had to, like, try to work on is. Is to not act on the impulse to stop for a second and go, do I really want this? Do I really need this? Will I use this? And sometimes when I just ask myself that for anything, just the act of asking myself, that gets me to not do the impulse buy and then leave. And then I think the thing you do is you go, if this is something that sits with you, and you keep going, like, oh, man, I really want these shoes, or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then you go, okay. It's been, like, in your head. But I've been acting off of impulse for too long.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been acting off impulse. I look at my shirts. I looked at my T shirts that I only wear the same shirt. I wear the same shirt every day. And I. And I looked at my shirts. I realized my problem is nostalgia. Like, I looked at my shirts this morning as I was. I had this thought last. Last night. This morning when I woke up, because, you know, Leanne and I have separate bedrooms now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I'm in my bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Feels good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I brought only what I needed to my bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so her closet is full of all the collector's stuff I have. Oh. Like, all the stuff I don't touch. I brought all my. There. And then I left all my other. In her room. And so then I was like, Jesus, like, I guess. I guess I only wear, you know, one pair of pants.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's really what it is, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I. Yeah, what? It's. It's. I. I'm, like, upset. Not upset, but I was like. I realized how silly I feel about the consumption. Like, about. About just obtaining. Acquiring all this shit. And then I realized that it doesn't bring me joy. It's not fulfilling. It's causing me to feel like, what the fuck? I feel like a goddamn. Like I'm on pcp, like a fucking lunatic. And I'm like, this is. It doesn't feel good. So that's why I was just like, I got to get rid of shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I almost enjoy when I stain a tracksuit because I go, what? We're getting rid of this?

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I spilled a meatball. I dropped a meatball down my down. I had a nice polo. I went through a tracksuit phase.

[Tom Segura]

So I do remember this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went through a tracksuit phase, and I got a polo. Tracksuits in every color. Gray, navy blue, black, and light blue. And when I flew to, you eyeballed me.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't tell you this. You eyeballed me so hard. When I went to your room Christmas Eve, I was in a tracksuit, and you sat there. We were talking. Remember? We sat in your room and you kept going. And I don't know if it was for my track. I didn't see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was hanging your tracksuit.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, this guy's really eyeballing so hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was your tracksuit. It was your tracksuit. But I dropped a meatball down my tracksuit. And I was like, there's no way this is coming out. I'm throwing this away. Good for. And I was like, nice. I got rid of a tracksuit. Great.

[Tom Segura]

And then I started spilling.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I put shout on it. And you can still see the things. I go, okay, I'll work out in the pants.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a hard time. I have a shirt. I have. I have shirts from 2001.

[Tom Segura]

And you're going, by the way, how much are you down? You look good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we should do a Manjaro journey.

[Tom Segura]

How much are you down?

[Bert Kreischer]

£30.

[Tom Segura]

£30, £30. Which means. And this is the. You have to do this. You need new clothes. You have to get rid of bigger clothes. You have to get rid of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have all my pants. None of my pants fit. Like, I'm at the very beginning of my belts. The I'll tell you man. And I only say this not like I, I. I follow a lot of fat people. I follow almost exclusively flat fat people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you know, those fatty baddies that go, I'm a fatty baddie, and this is what I eat in a day. I start. I'll tell you right now, if you're a woman and you're in good shape, okay? And you're thinking to yourself, I'll never get fat. But when you wake up, you make a coffee and put four pumps of caramel and coffee creamer and whipped cream and sprinkles on it. You're gonna be fat. That is the key. That is the. Every fatty baddie I watch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, the plus size park hoppers, they all get crazy coffee orders. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Your coffee should be coffee with a splash of cream. That's it. No fucking sugar. That I'm telling you.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's just ladies, dude. There's a bunch of dudes.

[Bert Kreischer]

All I follow is ladies. Oh, I follow the. You know. Do you follow the. The hottie. I remember I texted you.

[Tom Segura]

You're. You follow a lot of bizarre shit, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I follow these rappers from, like, Michigan. They're like five dudes and they're always in the woods. And like, one dude wears a Jason mask, and it always starts with the guy jumping off the thing and he's like, it's so good.

[Tom Segura]

It's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. But, yeah, but it's like, I don't know why I. You know, there's this thing. There's this thing I recognize in people that I identify with, and it's the need to be seen. And mine's shallow. I like, I get on stage to do it. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I do podcasts because I want to be seen. My goal in this year is to be less seen. Is. Is. I think. I think I same thing with overabundance. I think I wanted to be seen so much that I got kind of annoying to people. It's like I was everywhere and like, people would go like, you're the tick tock guy. And I'm like, no, like, you're all over my TikTok. And I was like, I don't think I am. Like, yeah, you are.

[Tom Segura]

And so you're the TikTok guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But like, so that's what I identify with. The people online who, like these rappers where they're like, yeah, the guy always jumps off something in the woods and they're all intimidating, but honestly, they're not. This is the best it's gonna get for them. They're not getting signed by Dr. Dre.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Their raps aren't awesome, but they're making me happy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. But I understand that. Do you have. Do you know who I'm talking about? This is them. Yeah, that's them. That's them.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Is that a real hand?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know who it is, dude. This is them. Look at them. Oh, look at them. War rat kicking in your back door.

[Tom Segura]

He's reading his rap.

[Bert Kreischer]

He reads his raps. And look, there's a guy with the. In. Yeah. Snap jaws with a hacksaw. Fast paws when I scrap board. And so this is.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, this is what people have been doing for generations. It's just that you can watch them now.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I would argue.

[Tom Segura]

Five guys doing this everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would argue, no, like, there's this girl. There's this girl I'm following. She's rowing across the Atlantic Ocean. And I thought, I could do that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm following her, and she's sharing her journey. Hey, guys, Today's the first day. Yeah. That I'm going to jump in the water. I've been scared to do this, but I'm jumping in the water. And, you know, she jumps in the water and she goes, hey, guys, it rained today. There was a storm, and I needed it because I really need to take a bath. And, you know, and then I thought, just as a little. Little thought experiment, I thought, what if. What if someone texted her and like, yo, Instagram no longer exists.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She'd be in the. She'd go, why the fuck am I doing this?

[Tom Segura]

Maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do I get the fuck back? Get me the fuck out of here. I don't want to be here. I'm only here so people see that I'm here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I literally thought that would. She. Is there anyone rowing across the fucking ocean that's not posting it? Is there anyone getting a sailboat and not posting their adventures on YouTube?

[Tom Segura]

You're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is there any rapper that's just rapping by himself in his fucking closet?

[Tom Segura]

Probably. Yeah. That one. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But I think for the. A lot of that. Holy shit. Endurance. Crazy thing. It's very few that are just doing it for the love of it, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very few.

[Tom Segura]

And then, by the way, but we shouldn't forget to. To mention that the details are coming soon, but we are. The 5k is back for two bears. 5k, 20, 26, and.

[Bert Kreischer]

And jelly Roll will be there.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. Which, by the way, now I'm like, remember how we used to be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on. We got to take a knee out with this guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, he weighs. If I hadn't started, Manjaro, he'd be skinnier than me.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that not crazy? 265. I was 270 when I started losing weight.

[Tom Segura]

And, dude, I can't. I can't let him beat me this year.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's going to beat you. No, he's not. If he, if, when he gets his skin removed, he's going to be £200.

[Tom Segura]

He's not beating me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Dude, he runs every day.

[Tom Segura]

I'm running, I'm running. I run.

[Bert Kreischer]

He runs every day.

[Tom Segura]

Does he really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Every day. And he runs uphill. He's addicted. He's a, he's. Because, you know, like Jelly, you know I love you, but Jelly does have a little bit of an addictive personality. A little okay with the food and the drugs? Yeah. No, he's just applied that in a positive way.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of people do that. Get sober.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's, he's still parties. I know.

[Tom Segura]

I, he's like, I ran four miles a day over on the break.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm. Now I have to like up it because I cannot let him beat me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he beat me last year.

[Tom Segura]

Did he beat you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Well, I ran it. This was the second time I ran it. He's. I, I heard he's running R5k twice this year. He just did a 10k with Cam Haynes.

[Tom Segura]

All right, I got to step it up. It's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

He looks incredible.

[Tom Segura]

He does look incredible. He's unrecognizable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I love. I was with Bunny recently and we were talking about Manjaro and. Oh yeah, I should say, I should wrap up. I only want to say this for people that are like me because I follow a lot of fat people. If you are having, if you have an issue with your weight and you want to lose weight. I found Mounjaro worked for me. Now it made me feel like I had the flu. I still am on it for four days. For four days I feel like I have a flu. Like a low grade flu. Very beginning I was throwing up violently at airports, but. And then the last three days I feel normal and then when I take it again, I get like a welt on my stomach. By the way, Jack Osborne was like, just put up ice pack on that, mate. Goes away.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah. We were talking peptides. But it can jump start a healthy lifestyle. Because I was honest about it and not everyone, you know, a lot of people, like, I've heard a lot of people that are like, oh yes, I've just done hard work. And you're like, but because I was honest with it, people have come up to me and go, you know, I'm on a GLP1, I'm on a terazeptide, but I'm on a GLP1. And dude, there are so many People that come up to me that are regular looking people, and they're like, I lost 70 pounds. And you're like, what? Wow. And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah. I was diabetic. I'm not diabetic anymore.

[Tom Segura]

That's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so if you're thinking about it, I don't know, I wish I could tell you. I don't. I knew how much it costs, but I think insurance covers some of it.

[Tom Segura]

But you've dropped 30 pounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

30 pounds. My, my weightlifting is dropped as well. I'm not, I definitely couldn't do 3:25 right now, but I'm still lifting weights right now. I can't use my legs, so I'm lifting. What happened?

[Tom Segura]

What happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

Paraplegic.

[Tom Segura]

What, what happened with your leg?

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw you limping, so I, I don't know what happened. I, I, I meaning one day I, I woke up and my, and my. So I've had this Achilles problem. I posted a picture of it yesterday. You pull up that picture, it's pretty aggressive. I've had an Achilles problem since I was shooting Free Bert. And so I stopped running because of it. Because I was like, I don't want to rupture my Achilles.

[Tom Segura]

That would suck.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then, and then one morning I woke up over the, over Thanksgiving and I slept wrong and my hip was out and I couldn't use my leg. My, like, my, I pinched a nerve or something. So we worked that out. And as I slowly got better and better, all of a sudden, like, my calf would hurt and then my foot, it would, it would move. I thought it was a blood clot for real, like. And then the top of my right foot hurt. Then it was plantar fasciitis. Then I had a masseuse come in and he me up. And then ever since that day, it was inside calf outside calf outside. Here, over here, under here. I have no idea what it is, but you see this picture of my fucking Achilles from yesterday. And I think it may be Achilles related, but, dude, I had to wrap my leg in a hot blanket.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think you should maybe get this checked out by someone or.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Okay, just so we're clear.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm marking it day by day, how much it's getting better. Okay. And every day since it was really bad, it's getting 20% better every day. So, like today, the bottom of my foot hurts a lot less.

[Tom Segura]

I bet you don't know what caused this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have zero idea.

[Tom Segura]

You were running?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I got. Well, the last time I used my leg Good. I was drunk on stage with Snow the product.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we were singing and I was dancing and I was jumping up and down and. So just go to my, My. Just go to my stories. It's B E R T. Look at this. Look at that. Go back one. It's me and Michael Chandler. Look, can you see that Achilles?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks aggressive.

[Tom Segura]

And your foot was hurting a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, My, My, my plantar fasciitis is hurting less right now. It's my calf. God damn. The more I use it throughout the day, and if I work out, it feels a lot better.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I don't know, I'm gonna give it through the weekend, and if it still hurts, I'm gonna go Monday to a doctor. But you know, podiatrists are like dentists. They're not real doctors. Right.

[Tom Segura]

So we. We have to. Not we. We gotta beat Jelly. That's gotta be the goal, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, it's gotta. It's gotta be like a war.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like I was rooting for him until he got skinnier than me. Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

Now it's like, hey, man, chill the up, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know? You think. Hang on. I want to. I want to do a thought. I want to do a. I did this drunk and I got. And Leanne almost got mad at me. Okay, get ready to clip this out, everyone. You're going to love this take. Jake Paul is. Should go down in history as a God. Jake Paul. I went to the Jake Paul fight.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm sitting there. I was sitting with Matt Rife, by the way. Probably the funnest guy to sit with, because you forget how quick comics catch each other. You forget how our shorthand with each other happens so quickly. So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting in this arena. It's sold out. Michael Irvin's sitting right next to Matt Rife. Rickie Fowler's down there. I mean, the place is packed with celebrities. I saw Cam. I saw Timbaland. I mean, it's packed with celebrities. And I'm looking in there and I go, this is. And I mean this. Respectfully. This is just Jake Paul. I'm looking at Michael Irvin, who was given every gift by the Lord to be a physical specimen and uncompetable. I mean, you cannot compete with Michael Irvin to this day. He is still in amazing shape at 60 years old. Yeah. But he didn't make $90 million in a ring.

[Tom Segura]

That was incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm looking at Joshua Anthony, Joshua Anthony, Anthony Joshua. Same, same.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He doesn't have the ability, he does not have the ability to make $90 million. He had to get Jake to get him to win. Make $90 million. Before this, he wasn't making $90 million. And they both made $90 million. And Jake Paul and I apologize if this is crass. Is not an athlete. He's not.

[Tom Segura]

He is an athlete.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, He's. But no, I'm saying, I'm saying when, if, if, coach, he is now an athlete.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

But never in life did anyone pick him out like they did Michael Irving. Like they did Michael Vicky and go.

[Tom Segura]

This is what he created. Something.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're right, he created. Yeah, he created. That is willpower. And that's what makes him a God. Is he created out of sheer willpower. If you are a guy thinking, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Look at Jake Paul and take a page out of his book because that kid created something out of absolutely fucking nothing. And then I look at Logan Paul, who by the way, is an amazing professional wrestler.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I look at Logan Paul and I go, by the way, good looking kid. Not the best looking kid in this room, but the fucking most famous person in this goddamn arena. Holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They made something happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

These two kids are the American dream. They are the American fucking dream. And I will always.

[Tom Segura]

There's gonna be a great documentary about them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will take a knee to them for the rest of my life because they, they are, they are gods. The boys, The Gen Z boys that fucking rule the Internet. My cousins, my cousins have me in a chat thread right now, but they muted me because I don't want to hear from boomers. So I can't respond. I could just read all their fucking texts. Fucking assholes. And they are the red pill incels my cousins and, and they were making fun of Jake Paul and I want, I want to fucking talk to them and go, hey, listen, fuck faces. Jake and Logan Paul are better than any gene in our family. We fucking should take a knee. You all need to fucking take a knee to these two men.

[Tom Segura]

They did something really impressive. You do have to give incredible. Yes. For. I agree, I agree. Dude, like he made himself. The kid can listen. Jake can box. He's not an elite boxer, but he is, he is a. Like, he has skills.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. Look, he. But he.

[Tom Segura]

What he did do brilliantly was create the Persona and, and he understands something that all the, the old school promoters understand, which is like, you have to create drama, you have to create villains like People are more excited to watch somebody that they hate lose than they are to watch somebody that they love win. They want to see the loss. And he embraced that and he got it. And then he was able to build this thing out of nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of nothing. It is out of a joke. They thought two YouTubers all fought.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. It's crazy. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's insane. I'm sitting in this arena going, he created this. That's that. That's the thing that blows me away. He created this. He created this. And, and I. And I thought to myself, I don't think I've performed in that arena. I don't think so. It's in Miami. I don't think I've ever done Miami. But, like, I thought to myself, was.

[Tom Segura]

It the arena or the stadium?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was arena.

[Tom Segura]

So American Airlines Arena? I mean, no, that's Dallas, whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I thought to myself, I don't mean this, no slight on Jake, whatever, but I do the same size venues as this. But I've, I've. It took me 20 years to work, 25 years to work to get there, to bust my ass at an art form I'm pretty high level at. And, and I. And I think I knew at a very young age that I was really talented. This. And that's what gave me folk. He just did it out of nothing.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty crazy, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's insane. I, I honestly. There will be a documentary. There will be. There should be a class taught about the Paul brothers in college. In college, freshman year. And I'm telling you, I really believe it. They are as important to our country as Abraham Lincoln.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is where I lost Leanne, too. This is where I lost Leanne, too. John F. Kennedy. Leanne goes, you're talking about Jake Paul. And I was like, I know, but he's as important as George Washington.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they will use this in the documentary. So.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good.

[Tom Segura]

Good for you on that. Don't forget, watch Free Birk, which comes out January 22nd.

[Bert Kreischer]

Free bir January 22nd. I hope you like it.

[Tom Segura]

My Special Teacher is streaming right now on Netflix. Please watch it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And two bears, 5K coming your way. But, you know, when we created it. 5k by May.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. All right, see you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you.

[Tom Segura]

Love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.