The Most Redacted Episode Ever | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave – "The Most Redacted Episode Ever"

Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Date: March 16, 2026
Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave by YMH Studios

---

Episode Overview

In this characteristically irreverent episode, best-friend comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive into everything from Bert’s dramatic physical transformation and sobriety journey, to marital "non-negotiables," social commentary on fame and relationships, and some delightfully dark hypotheticals about death. The episode oscillates between self-deprecating humor, pop-culture chatter, and wild, uncensored banter, peppered with classic "2 Bears" energy.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Two Bears 5K, Netflix Festival & Running (00:34 – 02:38)

• The duo promote the upcoming Two Bears 5K at the Pasadena Rose Bowl as part of the “Netflix is a Joke” festival.
• Bert shares his pride about losing over 50 pounds (from 275 to the 220s), emphasizing how he’s the lightest he's been in two decades.
• Memorable line:

  "I've never felt lighter on my feet in my entire life." — Bert (02:41)

• Bert boasts about running five miles effortlessly and sleeping up to 12 hours a night.

---

2. Sobriety Rant & Wellness Talk (03:06 – 06:55)

• Bert rails against “sobriety talk” online, expressing disgust over motivational content and wellness influencers.
• He explains his forced sobriety due to a blood clot, and details a new, healthier lifestyle: regular exercise, better sleep, and drastically improved metrics on his fitness tracker.
• Quote:

  "I am disgusted by sobriety talk. That's all that's in my feed... some fucking ex whore from Philly telling me how to optimize my life..." — Bert (03:12)

• The “witching hour”—when he craves a drink—remains a psychological hurdle.
• Talk of eventually returning to weed, likening it to regaining confidence after an injury.

---

3. Hollywood Controversy: Tarantino, Rosanna Arquette, & The "N-Word" Debate (07:43 – 12:11)

• Tom brings up recent headlines: Rosanna Arquette calling out Tarantino for his use of the N-word; Tarantino's pointed response.
• Discussion about artistic responsibility, hypocrisy, and whether people have a right to retroactively critique projects they benefited from.
• Parallel drawn to comics who appear on Joe Rogan’s podcast and later slam him.
• Key insight:

  "You didn't have a problem doing Rogan... but then when he didn't call you back... you spiral out against him." — Bert (10:41)

• Philosophizing about the thick skin required in show business.

---

4. Marital "Non-Negotiables" & Marriage Dynamics (23:50 – 28:50)

• Bert shares two “part and parcel” non-negotiables in his own marriage:
  1. Leanne moving him into another bedroom because of his snoring.
  2. Leanne no longer cooking for him, ever.
• The pair ponder their own personal “dealbreaker” scenarios if their wives demanded major changes, riffing on boundaries and compromises.
• Quote:

  "If she said, 'I'll never give you another blowjob,' that's kind of a non negotiable." — Tom (28:12)

---

5. Social Commentary: “Kept Women,” Gold Diggers, & Relationship Economics (33:31 – 38:21)

• Explosive, NSFW tangent about women whose “non-negotiable” is being financially pampered, lampooning gold-digger stereotypes.
• Bert and Tom joke about “kept women reality shows” and the path some men take to “king” status in lesser-developed countries.
• Bert shares a story about an acquaintance who left his life in America for a new one abroad with a much younger, “hotter” wife.
• Quote:

  "He traded his life here to be a millionaire with one of the hotter women I've ever seen in my entire life." — Bert (38:13)

---

6. Epstein Jokes & Celebrity Scandal (40:16 – 43:21)

• Wild bit in which Bert is “revealed” (falsely, for comedic effect) as appearing in the Jeffrey Epstein files due to his fame and TV career, played for laughs.
• Quotes:

  "You are in the Epstein files." — Tom (42:31)
  "It would make me low key, so excited if I was in the..." — Bert (41:00)

• Skewers public guilt-by-association hysteria.

---

7. Trump, Mar-a-Lago Deep Dive & Political Satire (45:00 – 49:57)

• Bert shares fun “deep dive” trivia about Mar-a-Lago’s history and Trump’s business tactics.
• They riff on how presidents, even the ones much-hated during their tenure (George W. Bush), are later missed for their relative “normalcy.”
• Segue into generational/cultural pendulum swings, radicalization, and outlandish behavior online.

---

8. Death, Dying, and Dark Hypotheticals (51:33 – 62:44)

• The duo entertain a “would you rather” marathon:
  • Dying by burning, drowning, bus accident, or animal attack (lion vs shark, chimps vs gorilla).
  • By the hands of 10 men vs. 10 women pulled from an unruly flight.
  • Most/least preferable accents and languages to “die to” (from German to Vietnamese or Cockney to Texan).
• Tom:

  "I think burning alive has got to be just so horrific." — Tom (56:11)

• Bert:

  "Ten women's gonna take, like, 45, 50 minutes... Just regular women. Regular men. And pull them off a frontier flight..." (61:08)

---

9. Racial Stereotypes, Soda Preferences, & Social Observations (67:26 – 70:31)

• Bert relays stories about cultural stereotypes and what he’s noticed (and been told) about Black men and facial hair, “light-skinned” vs. “dark-skinned” Black people, and even the supposed preference between Coke and Pepsi.
• Quote:

  "Almost all straight black dudes have facial hair." — Bert (68:08)
  "Pepsi. Every time. And I'm like, do you like Pepsi? And they go, I love it." (69:17)

• Tangent about regional soda brands and Bert’s obsessive soda habits.

---

10. Pop Culture & Upcoming Projects (72:07 – end)

• Bert excitedly plugs Vince Vaughn’s new movie (“Nick and Alice” or similar) and the “Peaky Blinders” movie, as well as a new Game of Thrones spin-off.
• Closing banter about travel, hanging out in Austin, and ongoing bits about the Epstein files.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sobriety Hype:

  "All of you. Fucking. That sounded very poignant." — Bert (03:44)

• On biting critiques:

  "I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I was a little more like you and Joe..." — Bert (12:20)

• On celebrity callouts:

  "It's always bothered me when people do that to him [Rogan]." — Bert (11:04)

• On fanciful lifestyles:

  "He traded his life here to be a millionaire with one of the hotter women I've ever seen..." — Bert (38:13)

• On dealing with Trump:

  "I would totally shake hands with Trump. 100%. 100% sitting president, of course." — Bert (45:00)

• On most annoying accents to die to:

  "Probably Texas... because it doesn't sound smart. And you feel like you're being bested by someone dumber than you." — Tom (66:20)

• On burning vs drowning:

  "I would never want to burn alive." — Bert (55:52)

• Eternal “2 Bears” energy:

  "How fun would the first fucking minute and a half be of hitting that woman? Just beating the fuck out of the first three win..." — Bert (61:55)

---

Timestamps for Significant Segments

• Two Bears 5K / Physical Updates: 00:34 – 02:38
• Sobriety & Sleep: 03:06 – 06:55
• Tarantino, Arquette, & Rogan Call-Outs: 07:43 – 12:11
• Marital Non-Negotiables: 23:50 – 28:50
• “Kept Women” & Relationship Economics: 33:31 – 38:21
• Epstein Files Bit: 40:16 – 43:21
• Trump & Mar-a-Lago Trivia: 45:00 – 49:57
• Death Hypotheticals: 51:33 – 62:44
• Accents/Languages to “Die To”: 63:05 – 67:26
• Racial Stereotypes & Soda: 67:26 – 70:31
• Pop Culture / Closing: 72:07 – end

---

Tone & Style

• Unapologetic, playful, and tangential—the entire episode is an energetic rollercoaster. Topics jump quickly, often blending sincere self-improvement with satirical or borderline offensive humor, epitomizing the 2 Bears brand.
• Quotes are rapid-fire, brash, and frequently punctuated by teasing, self-mockery, or sudden dark pivots.
• The flow is conversational and rests heavily on their chemistry, mutual stories, and layered inside jokes.

---

For fans or newcomers, “The Most Redacted Episode Ever” is a wild, no-holds-barred showcase of why Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer remain podcast titans: honest, hilarious, and always on the verge of chaos.

Transcript

[A]

Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster, Zero Ultra.

[B]

That's the OG it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing.

[A]

But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch.

[B]

So if you've been living in the

[A]

White can branch out.

[B]

Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe,

[A]

and every Single one is zero sugar. Tap the banner to learn more. 100%. Cheers.

[B]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. For everybody that has not yet done it. We want to remind you that we are doing the Two Bears 5K May 9th at the Pasadena Rose Bowl.

[C]

This is a funny.

[A]

Hopefully this comes out before May. I think this will come out in September.

[B]

Oh, cool. That is a good point. We should have it coming out before then. This is part of Netflix is a joke festival. Tons of comedians will be there. It's been so fun. This is our third in a row and our second time back at the Rose Bowl. It really is, like, so cool. Whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you weigh four or 500, 600 pounds, whatever your condition is, you can walk it, you can crawl it, you can get spit on as you do it, you can get run over by a golf cart. You can. You can run as fast as you want.

[A]

We've almost done as many 5ks as episodes this year. Yeah.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

And that's.

[B]

And we're going to. It's going to be a wrap. This is it.

[A]

This is it, guys. No, I'm excited for the 5k. I'm really excited.

[B]

Oh, and of course, hold on. You got to [e-mail] so if you want to do it.

[A]

2bears5k.com it's going to be big this year. And. And I am in the best shape I've ever been in. I'm in the physically best ever been in. I've never felt lighter on my feet.

[B]

Well, maybe because you're one of the lightest you've been in years.

[A]

I'm the lightest I've been in. Oh, wow. In probably 22 years.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, how much do you weigh?

[A]

I don't talk about weight now. I've changed my digital footprint, Tom. I don't show my workouts. I don't talk about weight. I don't post pictures of how fucking amazing I look. I just. I just do the work, Tom.

[B]

Cool. How much do you weigh?

[A]

I don't know. You know, I'm. Let's just say 220s.

[B]

You're in your 220s right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you were 2. 70.

[A]

2, 75.

[B]

So you've lost, like, over £50.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Jesus Christ, man.

[A]

I've never felt lighter on my feet in my entire life. And like, the other day, we were in Chicago or. No, in. In D.C. and I got out of my bus. I was just staying there for two days.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I ran five miles so effortlessly that I was like. I was like, this is crazy. Here's the other thing. I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night.

[B]

10 to 12 hours a night, Dude.

[A]

On the road, I'm sleeping aggressively like an eighth grader.

[B]

Like, are you taking something to sleep?

[A]

Nope. I'm Tom. I want to just preface this with I am disgusted by sobriety talk. That's all that's in my feed. That's all that comes my way is some broken toy telling me how to live my life, some fucking ex whore from Philly telling me how to fucking optimize my life and telling me about BPC157 and test. It's. You're so late to the fucking game. All of you. Fucking.

[B]

That sounded very poignant.

[A]

Back when I was drinking, do you know what I used to do? I'd bring a water bottle full of vodka, and then if I didn't suck a guy's dick before the show started. And you're like, you're on a different page than I am. Okay, Stop doing these testimonials. That's all I get. My whole feed is sobriety talk, and I'm exhausted. The only person I listen to when it comes to sobriety is Nick Swartzen. He seems to have. He's the almost even keeled motherfucker. And by the way, him talking about his sobriety is him and Shia LaBeouf. Shia is. Shia was refreshing when he talked about freedom and wanting to be able to put your foot in the mysticism every now and then. Yeah. Dude, that interview with Shia was fucking incredible. Put a pin in Shia and Nick. Okay. Because we'll get back to that.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

So I don't like talking about, like, so Brian and every stuff. Everything. But, yeah. But I. You know, obviously, with the blood clot, I can't drink. And then I haven't leaned into weed yet because I haven't really. I never really, like. I didn't turn a corner on, like, the enjoying the sobriety until too late.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I didn't want to go right into weed to, like, try to find happiness. Immediately. And I've been now for a couple months not doing anything. Dude, I sleep like crazy. I sleep, close my eyes and wake up easy every night. Ten hours later, if I allow myself to go back to sleep, I sleep 12 hours. My scores are in the green almost every night on my whoop, my whoop hours. I'm never. I haven't been in sleep debt, Tom. In two months. I've been out of sleep debt. I've lowered my biological age by like, or the age like two years manic

[B]

fucking rant that I've ever.

[A]

Dude. Dude. I have never check into a mental health facility. This is what sobriety does to people, Tom. It makes them crazy and they start believing their own fucking Kool Aid they're drinking.

[C]

So.

[B]

So are you like fully sober then?

[A]

I mean, nothing. Coffee. That's it.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

And you're in your two twenties and you run five miles effortlessly.

[A]

Effortlessly.

[B]

10 to 12 hours a night.

[A]

It. It's crazy. Now what's happening? Are you going to bed? Bro, I went to bed at like 9 o' clock last night.

[B]

You slept till 9?

[A]

I slept till 8:30 this morning.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

And Tom, I don't move in bed. I stopped snoring. I know I don't snore anymore. And Leanne and I have separate bedrooms. She's gone. It's just me in the house. We have separate bedrooms now. I kicked out of her bed cause I was snoring. And I sleep. I mean, I have amazing dreams. And I remember all my dreams. When I wake up, I wake up, I have a cup of coffee. I journal, I go into the gym, I work out, I come. I mean, it's like, it's on the road. The only thing that sucks is like the witching hour. When you'd want to have a drink. Cause I still think about it.

[B]

When's that hour?

[A]

Around. Oh, it starts around noon and goes until. No, no, it's. It's like when, like today it'll be at like 6 o', clock, 7 o', clock. When the sun starts setting.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And on the road, it's right when I tell the machine story. Like when I start on tour. Right when I tell the machine story, I. I'm like. I look to my drinks and I go, I would love a little right now.

[B]

A little?

[A]

Yeah, I would love weed. I would love weed. But I haven't had it yet. And so I'm just kind of like, I'm waiting till I don't think about it. Like you Know what I thought today, Tom? And I think me and you're the only ones, not the only ones. Other people have been injured, but do you remember when you injured yourself and then you were like, kind of going like, timid on bench press and timid on squats, and then one day you didn't think about it and you just went for squats? That's what I'm gonna do with weed One day.

[B]

You're just gonna eat a bag of weed?

[A]

When? Yeah, when I'm not thinking about it. When I'm. I'm not going like, I need some. I want something to turn the corner. And then I can't drink until not counting but July 12th. And. And so July 12th, I don't know if I'll drink that day or maybe like a month before. But, yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah. What's up with this Tarantino, Rosanna Arquette N word thing? What? I know. I just. I don't know. I've just seen something. What is that? Okay, personally, I am over the use of the N word. I hate it. Arkad said in an interview, cannot stand that Tarantino has given a hall pass. It's not art. It's just racist and creepy. All right, so that's what she said on Monday. He said, I hope the publicity you're getting from 132 different media outlets, writing your name and printing your picture was worth disrespecting me in a film I remember quite clearly you were thrilled to be a part of. He wrote in a statement addressed directly to Arquette. In the movie, Arquette played Jody, wife to Eric Stoltz's drug dealer character. He's talking, of course, about Pulp Fiction. Do you feel this way now? Very possibly. Tarantino continued, but after I gave you a job and you took the money to trash it for what I suspect is very cynical reasons, showed a decided lack of class, no less. Honor. Arquette's criticism of Tarantino's use of the N word is far from the first expressed. Of course, it's uttered about 20 times in Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained. It's uttered 110 times. However, Tarantino's use of the N word in his screenplays has long been defended by that film star, Samuel Jackson and his frequent collaborator, Samuel Jackson. Sorry, Jamie Foxx and Samuel Jackson. Here's his. Yeah, we saw. We read that already. This is supposed to be an esprit de corps between artistic colleagues, but it would be appear the objective was accomplished. Congratulations. Q. Wow, he's really been Though, like this. On this tear of just on people, I guess. And I always find it interesting when somebody that's like, high. High level, high accomplished will take the time to read, to speak out about, you know, criticism. Because a lot of people would just, like, go, like, I'm not responding to that.

[A]

Yeah. However, I think it. I think when it's that close to home, you like, if it's. If it's. If it's right.

[B]

Because she's in the movie.

[A]

Yeah. And she was friends with him, I'm assuming.

[B]

Well, yeah. I mean, she got hired for the job and she did take. I do think that that's a thing, too. It's like, you. You. You're in the movie, you took the gig. You didn't complain about the script then. And then 30 some years later, you're like, you know what? I'm sick of your shit. It's like, you didn't have that problem when you were working for me, and you didn't.

[A]

And I mean, by the way, I don't dislike Rosanna Arquette. I actually like Rosanna Arquette. I like the whole Arquette family. But here's the other thing that there's an intangible in this is that she allowed herself to get the clout from Pulp Fiction. It was a hot fucking movie and she was in it. Yeah. And being in a hot movie does something for your career, for sure. And then to. That's like, if. That would be honestly akin to. Do you remember all the comedians that have on Rogan who have been on Rogan?

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And that is the exact same thing. And then you're like, well, you didn't have a problem doing Rogan, and you were cool with him when you hung out and played pool with him, and you were cool with him when he was. But then when he didn't call you back because he thought he felt like you were off on a couple things, then you go off and you spiral out against him. That's ridiculous. What you should do is they use.

[B]

When they want them, but then they're like, got a problem with this guy.

[A]

It's always bothered me when people do that to him. I mean, they do it, they do it to us, but it's. No one notices when they do it to us. Right, right, right.

[B]

Yeah. No, I know.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's. Yeah. And then. But, like, the difference, I think, is that, like, a lot of time, like, he basically ignores everybody.

[A]

Yep. He's been lighting up people kind of just out of nowhere for no reason. At all. And I think.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Quentin Tarantino.

[B]

No, no, I'm talking about Joe.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[B]

Tarantino's been. Yeah, he's been going off on people.

[A]

Yeah. So what did you say about Joe?

[B]

That Joe just ignores all criticism. I mean, he gets a lot of it because his show is so massive and he's such a huge media figure. But, like, he's just like, whatever. Like, I don't think most of the time I've been like, oh, did you see that? And he's like, huh? He doesn't even know about it.

[A]

There was someone who said something about me and him and trashed both of us. And I said to him, did you see that? And he was like, oh, he's a good guy. I went, really? He goes, yeah. You know, he just tries to get attention every now and then, but, you know, he's a good guy. And I was like, okay. It hurt my feelings. And he was like, oh, don't let it. He. If you saw me give you a big hug, you know that. And I was like, okay. I was like, wow, I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I was a little more like. Like you and Joe, where I was just like, I didn't give a fuck. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I really think he ignores completely, and then I probably just care less.

[A]

You don't care at all. You are. What? The problem with. With America is Me. Yeah, yeah. If it doesn't affect you, it doesn't bother you. Like, there are certain things that affect you, but they're. They're so nonsensical that that's what bothers you. And I've seen the things that have bothered you, and they're so silly. Like, they're so silly. I'm not going to say them. They're so silly. I. I'll say them. But, like, sometimes I'll tell you. I'll tell you one, and I won't say it out loud, but sometimes when someone thinks that, like, an innocuous comic is funny, and everyone's like, that guy's funny. And then you. And I say, he's funny. And you go, hold on, you think he's funny? And then I go, yeah. And you go, yeah, but I mean, I'll tell it to you and you can edit it out.

[B]

No, no, no, you don't have to. I think I.

[A]

But, like, those are the. Those. It's. It's a weird thing. Like, that's what I go. Like, why does he give a fuck about that? Like, that is so not on my. Any other comic, but like that one. There was like a couple times it's happened where, where you. And it's someone no one talks about.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're. And I'm like, really? Like, that's the thing.

[B]

But you think that that quality though, about like talking about comics, that's in every comics DNA, like talking about who's funny, who's not. Like, that's everybody. Everybody does that.

[A]

I think so. Yeah. And I think it's. It's an. It's. I'm sure it happens with chefs. For sure.

[B]

For sure. I think they have more hatred in their hearts than we do. They are vicious, man.

[A]

When you bring a child into the world, your perspective changes overnight. Suddenly you're thinking about the years ahead, about childcare and school and the milestones you can't wait to see. And for me, part of loving my family meant thinking about the future, even in the uncomfortable ways. Life insurance is absolutely not a fun topic. Let's not mask that. But it's one you need to think about. And I'm so glad I found out about Ethos. When I started the life insurance conversation, I was too young for it. That's when it should happen. When you're too young for it, you should get it right now. If you're even thinking, I don't need that today, that's who needs it. There's no complicated process. It is 100% online, no medical exam required. You just answer a few health questions and that is what you want. You can get a quote in seconds, apply literally in minutes and get the same day coverage. You can get up to $3 million in coverage, some policies as low as $30 a month billed monthly. Ethos has a 4.8 out of 5 star on Trustpilot with over 3,000 reviews. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos now by going to ethos.com bears in as little as 10 minutes, you can get a free quote and up to $3 million in coverage at ethos.com bears that's E T H O S.com bears ethos.com bears application times and rates may vary. When hair starts to thin, confidence can too. That's why HIMS makes it simple to feel like yourself again with access to simple personalized care that fits your life and your hair goals. Do not need to improvise this. I've started a new hair regimen and it is including finasteride orally and topically. Minoxidil. I don't know exactly what my things are, but I'm documenting it. I started today. By the time June comes, I should look totally different. I'm not going to show you what I have today, but all of a sudden my hair started. I felt like it was thinning even more than it ever has. HIMS offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that work, including chews, oral medications and serums and sprays. I'm on two of those. Dr. Trusted ingredients. Dr. Trusted ingredients. That's all I needed to hear. Like finasteride. My dad's on finasteride and he still has hair. My dad's on it for a different reason and all of a sudden a side effect was hair. And I looked at my dad's hair the other day and I was like, wow. And minoxidil. Now I've been on minoxidil since I was 22 and it can stop further hair loss and regrow in as little as three to six months. I'm counting on three. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Hims brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first. No hidden fees, no surprise costs, just real personalized care on your schedule. Think of HIMS as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self with simple 100% online access to trusted treatments for real health concerns all in one simple place. For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss, I'm killing two birds with one stone right there and more, visit hims.com bears that's hims.com bears for your free online visit himss.com bears featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve of or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information as individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride let's talk about

[C]

investing for a minute. If you're looking to make your money work for you, ACORNS is your answer. It's the financial wellness app that cares about where your money is going tomorrow, not just where it's sitting today. With their Potential screen feature, you can see how your money is projected to grow over time based on how much you're putting in every day, week or month. It's the all in One app that allows you to invest, save and track your money all in the same place. We have a bunch of people here at YMH that are huge fans and actually have been investing and seeing their finances take off by using Acorns. You can sign up now and Acorns will drop a $5 bonus investment into your new account. Join the over 14 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Go to acorns.com bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns. Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers accounts, age and investment settings does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important [e-mail] bears they're really

[A]

I was just at South Beach Food and Wine Festival next year we're going together. We're bringing Porosos. Tommy, it was so fun. It was so fun. And the food through the roof. I mean, everything you ate.

[B]

I was just with my chef, the Chichobomba chef, right. Like an hour ago.

[A]

Oh, and I had a phone call with my donut company. Oh my God, I can't understand a word they said. And I keep thinking, I know, I know, I will.

[B]

I went, we opened a a remote location, 101 West 6th street, where we drop stuff off every day. So if you're walking around downtown, it's in the Scarborough building on 6th Street. So I stopped by, it just opened yesterday and I was with him. And then we went to the Fairground Food hall and just kind of like caught up there. And then he was like, he goes, I went to a place for breakfast over the weekend. It had like five stars and 3,000 reviews on Yelp. Such shit. The biggest piece of shit I've ever eaten in my life. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, where did he. The eggs were cold, the bacon cold. It's just shit. Like somebody took a shit on a plate. And I'm like, wow. Like that, that passionate on this place, which I won't name. But yeah, they, they go hard at other restaurants.

[A]

I am, I am so excited because I'm coming down to Austin in two weeks and I'm so excited. I have big plans. I haven't been there in a while.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I want to pick your boys up from school.

[B]

I want you to go. They would get so excited. They would get so excited.

[A]

I want to go to Chicha Bamba. I want to go To Chicha Bamba so bad. You have no idea. You have no idea how bad I want to go to Chicha Bomba.

[B]

You gotta go in the morning. Gotta go in the morning.

[A]

What's crazy, Tom, is I'm the lightest I've ever been in 22 years. I saw Ayla the other night. Isla came out to one of my shows, and she was like. First thing she said she saw me is, you have fingers. I said, what? She goes, you've had sausages your whole life. You have, like. I can see your bones and your fingers. She goes, what do your ankles look like? I was like, what? She goes, I want to see your ankles. I showed her my ankles and she was like. Isla said to me, you get. I'm going to give you two days this year that you can drink two days, and that's it. And I went, really? She goes, yeah. She goes, you look incredible. She's like, I've never seen you like this.

[B]

That's great, man. Don't you feel good?

[A]

Yeah. And then. Yeah. And then I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. I see you seven days a year. You think I'm gonna cut it down to just two? Fucking party my dick off. Good luck. When.

[B]

What's. What's the. When do you turn it up again?

[A]

I'm gonna.

[B]

So if you gotta get off the sauce, right?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like what's happening in society with kids getting away from alcohol. I don't like what's happening.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

I meant.

[B]

I meant the manjaro.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I mean, if you want to let it rip, you can't do it on that, right?

[A]

Oh, I was doing it on it,

[B]

but I thought you said you're like, I don't really have a taste for it. Doesn't.

[A]

Well, I haven't had a taste for it since I quit drinking, but I think that's part of Pair and Pair. Pair and parcel. Parcel and pair. What is it?

[C]

What?

[A]

Parson. Parson. Parcel, Part and parcel.

[B]

Parcel.

[A]

Was that any. Will you Google that? Pair and parcel. Part and parcel. Try to use bigger words.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I saw this guy's Instagram this morning, and he said, every morning when I wake up, I make myself a cappuccino and I read. Then I go into the city, I sit at a bar, I have a pastry, and I have one more cappuccino, and I start a conversation, and that is my day, okay? And I went, I want that to Be my day. And I want it to be in Austin, and I want my day in Austin Is gonna go. I'm going to wake up and have a cappuccino. I'm gonna stay at your house. I think, by the way, when I go to Austin, I'm gonna have a cappuccino. I'm gonna go. I realize I don't spend enough time with your kids. I'm gonna have a cappuccino, and then I'm going to go into the city to Chocabamba and have another cappuccino and a pastry. Then I pick up my two kids from school, I take them to a shooting range, and we shoot assault rifles.

[B]

If you go to the shooting range with them, you'll be their favorite human being ever.

[A]

That's all I want to do. All I want to do is hang out with your boys, and I want Leanne to hang out with your boys with me so she sees how much. Oh, I have a great question for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, let's pause it. But. No, but keep going with where we were going. We were googling something. And then. And then I'll ask you the question.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What were we talking about? Part and parcel.

[B]

Part and parcel means an essential, integral, or unavoidable component of something, often highlighting a feature that cannot be separated from the whole. It is commonly used to describe necessary, albeit sometimes unpleasant, aspects of a job, life, or situation. As in stress is part of and is part and parcel of the job.

[A]

That's great. That is. That is such a perfect transition into the conversation I want to have. Okay, so two things have happened in my life that are non negotiables. Okay. Part and parcel. Leanne moved me out of her room into my own room, and Leanne stopped cooking. Non negotiable.

[B]

These are great things.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's objective. It's objective of whether or not they're great things. But it brought up. But the cooking was a non negotiable. She said she's done cooking. She'll never want to cook again. She's never liked cooking. She'll cook when she wants to, but don't ever plan on her cooking me a meal if she's making herself something. It's just for her. It's not for both of us. Okay, got it. She said that, and then she said non negotiable. I need to move into my own room. She's not sleeping at night. It's keeping her. I snore. It keeps her up. I need to be in my own room. She needs her own room, Tom. She sleeps like a dying old lady. She sleeps with one of those quilted quilts, like those old lady ones that you see on top of beds that don't look comfortable and they're all rough and bumpy. She sleeps under that, still folded in half of the top, her hands on top, and she goes like this. That's how she sleeps.

[B]

Do you like it?

[A]

All the windows open so natural sunlight wakes her up.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Six in the fucking morning time.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So now I moved into a cave. I have the guest room. I've murdered out the windows. I have AC down to about 70 or about to 65. I have no light coming in. And I play a podcast every night while I sleep. I fall asleep, I wake up 10 hours clean. I sleep like a God. She's already up doing fucking laundry. Anyway, those are the two non negotiables. And I was cool with it. And then I started thinking, what are your non negotiables? As in, what would you actually say no to? If Push said, oh, you can never. We'll never have sex again, Then you go, that's a non negotiable.

[B]

Right, of course.

[A]

But where will you draw the line with non negotiables? If she said, I want you to have your own bedroom, would you be cool with it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, right? It's pretty cool.

[B]

It's rad.

[A]

I'll show you my bedroom when you come over. I can't wait, dude.

[B]

Like, cool posters and toys and stuff.

[A]

My gun's out. I got a sign that says no fat chicks allowed on the door.

[B]

Oh, dude, that's so rad.

[A]

It's so awesome, you know?

[B]

You know what Ellis has on his door?

[A]

What?

[B]

He has a caricature of Javier Bardem from no country for Old Men as Anton Shagur, you know? And I was like, hey, do you

[C]

know who that is?

[B]

He's like, I cool guy. And I go, yeah, that's like a psychopath from a movie. He's like, that's awesome. I go, where the fuck did you get that? He's like, I printed it up, like, just on his door. And then Julian yesterday came into my office at home and I was reading, and he goes, oh, I'm going to bring a chair in here. And I go, for what? He goes, so I can sit in here with you. And I go, okay. So he puts a chair in front of my desk. And then he's like, I'm gonna read too. And I go, all right. And he gets something. And then he's like, I'll be back. And I'm like, okay. And he comes in with a suit jacket on, and he goes, I have a contract I need you to sign. And I go, what is it? He's like, it just says that you're gonna give me money for some stuff. I do. And I go, what are you gonna do? He goes, I don't know, but I don't want any physical labor. And I go, okay, so what are you gonna do for money? He's like, we'll figure something out. And I go, all right. You got to be more specific. You want me to sign the contract? He goes, just fucking sign it. So I signed a contract. And I go, can you clean the trash cans? He goes, I don't do shit like that. And I go, okay, cool. We have a signed deal in his. In his suit? Yeah. So crazy.

[A]

Every time I see David Bowie stuff, I want to buy it for your youngest.

[B]

He's so obsessed.

[A]

I see so much David Bowie stuff all the time. Like, there's so much stuff at. At antique shops. I find antique shops, like, but they're always like a 250 shirt. I was like, that's crazy. Appreciate it. No, no, definitely. So what are your non negotiables? If Push said you can never have alcohol again, is that. Would you be cool with it?

[B]

I mean, I would be like, what's your deal? I'm not. Okay.

[A]

What if. What if she said, okay, let's start. Let's start easy. I'll never give you another blowjob.

[B]

That's kind of a non negotiable.

[A]

Yeah, right?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Okay. Okay, good. I can. I need to move back to la.

[B]

That's more like. I don't.

[A]

So I'm trying to think of the people listening to this. Right now. There are dudes who move back to their wife's hometown to be around her family. And that was a negotiable. They were like, well, I guess I can do that.

[B]

To me, it's really about the burden of everything that we moved here. I'd be like, jesus Christ. You want to move everything back to Cali? Yeah, I don't think so, man. No.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

No.

[A]

What if she said. What if she said, I. I need. I gotta fly private everywhere I go? No. Yeah, right?

[B]

No way, dude.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp March includes international Women's Day. So let's take a moment to celebrate women's strength and progress, while also recognizing how much they carry every day. Between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities, their emotional well being can easily be overlooked. We want to remind women how much they matter and that therapy offers a space for them to take care of themselves in the way they deserve. And if that's a really great moment, don't ever say that in a fight. I've done that in a fight where I go, you should talk about this in therapy. That doesn't work that way. But there is a space where you do go through stuff with your spouse, with my wife, with Leanne and I will kind of earmark things and be like, yo, this is a good therapy thing. And sometimes it's the thing she doesn't see that she's just kind of burdening over and over and over again. And I and I'll kind of earmark it. And if your wife's not in therapy, it's a great gift. Just be like, yo, get into therapy. Like I'm not always right and I'm not always on spot. Like I don't know what I'm doing and I can listen, but I'm not the best that listens. Therapists are the best listeners around. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals. All you got to do is fill out a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means that typically they get it right the first time. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored wrecks. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works. It works. With an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews, your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com bears that's better h-lp.com bears the

[C]

older you get, the more daunting the idea of learning a new language can feel. Whether it's about a lack of time or mental energy, Babel's built to cater to to your specific learning style and schedule. I love this app. I've used it countless times for multiple languages. I love spending time working on that part of my brain. I love their approach to teaching and I think it's incredibly effective. Their courses are curated by over 200 language experts to teach you relevant words and phrases you'll actually use by practicing real life conversations. It's more than just lessons. Babbel offers a large collection of podcasts that offer an inside look at local cultures. No matter if you learn best by listening, speaking, reading or writing, Babbel adapts to keep you motivated and on track with personalized plans and feedback. Make real lasting progress in no time with Babbel, the science backed language learning app that actually works. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babel subscription at babel.com bears get up to 60% off at babel.com/forward/bears spelled B A B B E L.com/bears Rules and restrictions may apply when it comes to starting something new. It can feel like you're suddenly wearing several hats at once and taking on a to do list that never stops growing. Having a built in business partner like Shopify when we started this podcast and our other shows would have been a game changer. A Cha A Ching. Shopify is the driving force behind millions of brands and businesses around the world, including ours here at YMH and 10% of all E commerce in the US. Get your idea off the ground and online with their ready to use templates and tools to create an online store that aligns with your brand and spread the word like you have an entire marketing team behind you. By creating email and social media campaigns for wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. From managing inventory and payments to international shipping and returns, Shopify possesses the expertise you need to take your commerce to the next level. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify and start hearing Cha Ching. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears that's shopify.com bears cha cha

[A]

ching but there's women. There are women that I follow on Instagram. I gotta stop following these women. They're gonna figure out who the fuck they are.

[B]

Yeah, yeah that do that. That's crazy. I think that's a crazy expense.

[A]

There are women who almost look at their comfort as a non negotiable, their comfort as a female and you are to provide for them as a male. Now we've never been trained to see that in sitcom because it's always the fat loser who has the chick and then oh schlub shub schlub like shows like Freebird. But I just said Halfway through that, I was like, I think I'm describing my own show. But you look at what's out online and it's all these women who are done up, who have nice cars and have expensive shit and their non negotiables are like, I need a guy to take care of me.

[B]

And that shit is. That's so gross. I mean, like, thank God that we didn't end up in something like that. Like, no, that's the worst, man. Like, where the trade off is like, yeah, I'm with you, but this shit better be fucking nice. 24 7.

[A]

Think of the guys. Think of the guys who have hemorrhaged their life. They've just mortgaged out everything to keep their chick happy with, like.

[B]

By buying her. Yeah, that's horrible.

[A]

By buying. Horrible.

[B]

I think that's horrible.

[A]

I've seen that.

[B]

I remember. I remember like, oh my God. One of the first acting classes I ever took in LA had all these like, women that were like, not serious about it, but they were just taking this class and they were all like, kept women, but like by Bel Air guys, you know, and it was clearly like, already we were. I mean, I was in my 20s and they already had like facelifts and, and tit jobs and crazy cars and, you know, I mean, like, it was all just like a, a thing where the guy, the guy was 30 years older and that was the trade off. Like, I'll look hot and you buy me nice stuff. It's. It's gross.

[A]

Would be kind of cool if you could like go to like impoverished countries and you can keep a woman there.

[B]

Oh, you can.

[C]

That would be.

[B]

You want to do that? That'd be a fun bit. Can we do that for the show?

[A]

That would be a fun reality show. Kept women. Kept women.

[B]

And I think we could do it for like 100 bucks a month.

[A]

I was really. No lie. I was thinking about 25 grand a year.

[B]

Oh, way less. And the trade off could be like, okay, I just want you to put photos of me up all over your house.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

And say, like, have a shrine to me. Pray to me in the mornings, you know, and then like, have your family cook a dinner and pretend that I'm there and they have like a blow up to all of you there.

[A]

How fun would that vacation be to be. So show up and you're like, you're like, yeah, we're not gonna stay at our house. I got us a hotel for the weekend at the Four Seasons.

[B]

And then you bring your family there and they're like, who is this? You're like, well, it's kind of my wife, but it's here in the Philippines.

[A]

I knew a dude. I knew a dude who. I hope it doesn't get to him because it's going to sound shitty, but I hope he knows that this is what really happened. He was married to a regular chick, right? Like, a regular chick. Like, let's paint out regular. Like, like about165.5.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Not the most beautiful chick.

[B]

Okay. Nice. Yeah.

[A]

I really hope he never hears this. Like, and. And. And he wasn't. He was not attractive. He was not attractive.

[B]

I think they're starting to see the picture you're painting. They're like, huh, I wish I could

[A]

send you a picture of him. So you knew how unattractive. Like, if you said, we got it. Cookie cutter. Middle. Middle class, American, white male. It's that guy, like, okay, 240 pounds.

[B]

But his unattractive wife got it. And.

[A]

And he got a job working for, like, a big production company.

[B]

He definitely knows you're talking about him now.

[A]

Okay, okay, edit that out. Edit that out. Okay, Edit that out. He went on a trip to the. And decided he was gonna work, and he married a 10. A 10. And he got rid. Divorced his wife.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Got rid of his life here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he lives there now. Still. Still. He still is there. He sends Christmas cards every now and then with him and his family, and they're all in the same shirt. And he is. He sticks out so aggressively.

[B]

Of course. Of course. And.

[A]

But he traded his life here to be a millionaire with one of the hotter women I've ever seen in my entire life.

[B]

I mean, I think this is a path that a lot of people. More like a substantial number of people take this path, especially, like, middle age, frustrated, you know, where they go. Like, this is just not panning out. And it's like, yeah, you can take what you've got to a more underdeveloped place and be like a king. I think it's quite appealing to a lot of people, man.

[A]

So can you bleep out certain words so it's not clear? Because it'll. He'll know it's him. When I say this, right before he left Tom, him and his wife were gonna sell everything, and. And that was gonna be his life. And he was drinking with me, and he was like, I mean, I guess that's a good move, right? And then he takes one trip and he. And he's like, this is insane. And he's like, My money goes so far.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he finds out that his job could be transferred there. Divorces his wife, moves to, gets a fucking high paying job.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Lives like Dan Blazerian.

[B]

Yeah. He's just living it up.

[A]

And he's still

[B]

pounds happier than probably

[A]

never had in his life. Like just the.

[B]

Do you still chat with him?

[A]

Someone. Every now and then. Every now and then I'll get attack. I get a Christmas card from him. But I think someone cuts his yard with scissors. Like it's. So wait, here's the question right now. And this is going to come off a little odd, huh? So, like, clearly for like 25 grand, you can get the hottest chicken. Or we can start upgrading, right? And go. Now what? Do what? How much is hottest chicken? Ireland cost? How much is the hottest chicken? I mean, clearly there's parts of Africa where it's even less than 25 grand. But you get like a bad bitch who's like 5 11, dark as fuck. Like just beautiful features. It's just.

[B]

Whatever your taste is, man.

[A]

No, no, no, no. The greatest price point. Like, what do you think? Greatest price point? Because Russia is a fucking great one.

[B]

Are we discussing human trafficking right now?

[A]

No, no, no. That's not a good topic for me these days.

[B]

Okay. Wait, is that a soft spot for you?

[A]

It's been what we call an obstacle.

[B]

Dude, we didn't talk about that.

[A]

Nope. No. What? Just say it.

[B]

The year in the Epstein list.

[A]

Nope, I'm not on the Epstein.

[B]

You're on the Epstein files.

[C]

You are.

[B]

You're a result. You know that, right? Duke, pull up the Epstein file search.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

We've already done it.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I'm not on the up.

[C]

You are.

[B]

You are in the files.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

You are in the files.

[A]

It would make me low key, so excited if I was in the.

[C]

You are 100.

[B]

You are. A result from the Epstein search. Pull up.

[A]

No, no, I'm not.

[B]

Pull up. Where you can search on the Epstein files. Hold on.

[A]

Okay, you're making this up.

[B]

I'm not kidding, dude. Okay, do the search, type in Bert Kreischer and see if there's a result. There's a result right there. Bert Kreischer. Yeah.

[A]

March 2023.

[B]

Hit the PDF,

[A]

See. What did it say? What does it say?

[B]

I don't know. There, there. Bert Kreischer. Comedy Central special Travel Channel. Bert, the Congress Trip.

[C]

You're in the files.

[A]

He was watching my Travel Channel shows.

[B]

I don't know. I guess he was. Maybe he was Considering going to a show, that's kind of something you could put in your hype video before people come up, before you come on stage is like, record the screen being searched and then be like, bam. Yeah, he. He knew who you. And he put those dates in. Maybe he was looking to go to a show. Maybe he was a fan. That's kind of cool. Bert the Conqueror trip Flip. Yeah, he knows who you are, dude. March 21st to 23rd. What year? I bet you it was like. I bet you he was like, what are we doing this date? And they were like, oh, the 21st. You want to go see Bert Kreischner?

[A]

This isn't really created. You created this.

[B]

This is the. This is the Department of Justice website, dude.

[A]

This is. Am I really in the Epstein?

[B]

Yeah, you're in the Epstein files. You are, man. I thought you'd be super.

[A]

On top of that, you know that I would have clearly befriended Jeffrey Epstein a thousand. If he had reached out. If he had reached out, I would have.

[B]

If he'd been like, do you want to get on my plane? You'd be like, yeah.

[A]

Would you like to go to a private island? 100%.

[B]

Yeah. People, like, sometimes people put cameras. Other people are like, oh, I'm just going to hide.

[A]

You'd be like, I would have been in every picture. Yeah, I would have been in every picture. I really. And I'm being serious. I. I would have. I don't know how many people. Like, that's why when they look at the list and they're like, this person flew with Jeffrey Epstein. Like, Chris Tucker flew everywhere with Jeffrey Epstein. And he was like, I don't know, man. I just got on a private jet to Africa.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, I would have definitely been one of those people, for sure. Would you be one If Jeffrey Epstein asked you to fly private with him to an island, would you have gone, hey, listen, I'm a big fan of your mom's house.

[B]

Yeah, Are you? That's weird.

[A]

Can I tell you who the one weird one is that Joe said no to?

[B]

He said no to having him on the podcast.

[A]

Oh, I thought he said no to hanging out with him.

[B]

Maybe hanging out. But also, they wanted. I think they wanted to get him.

[C]

They wanted to have.

[B]

That's right. You're right. I think they wanted to have. Somebody was trying to get him to have lunch, and then it was like, have lunch with him and Woody Allen. And he was like, no. And I feel like they wanted to do the podcast, too. I don't Remember? But yeah, he said no.

[A]

Joe said no without knowing that he was a. Was just like, nah, I'm good.

[B]

Yeah, he's like that for a lot.

[A]

There's a lot of bad people that could get you. Like, I mean. I mean, they. The question is, if you were at UFC and Trump tried to shake your hand and there were cameras around, would you shake his hand?

[B]

That's rough. I mean, I can't stand him. It's funnier to be like, you're. I mean, that would be so funny if you. If somebody was like, hey, and you're

[A]

like, I'm good with the best one. This is the best one, Tom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is. You go, yeah. And then you go like this. You.

[B]

Hey, if you had done that, you'd go viral.

[A]

Yeah. You go viral so quick.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

My dad would kill me if I shook hands with Trump. My dad would murder me. He would have a real problem with me.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I would totally shake hands with Trump. 100%. 100% sitting president, of course.

[B]

And you would also big smile and be like, I love you, bro.

[A]

He would be like, take this shirt off. I go, it's coming off. Sir. Yeah, what do you need? I got into a deep dive on Mar A Largo. Yeah. Is it Mar A Largo?

[B]

Mar A Lago.

[A]

Mar A Lagi. Mar A Lago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So do you know Trump made a killing on that place?

[B]

No, I didn't know that.

[A]

So, yeah, he. The lady that built it was Meriwether Post. She's an heir to the Post. To the Post serial fortune. She built it so that dignitaries and actresses. And actresses. Dignitarities. Dignitarities. I think there's an excellent T in there. Okay. And. And so she built it for, like, 20 million in the fucking 20s, 30s, whatever. Trump bought it for, like, 8.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Trump bought it for 8 or 10. And then he found out there was, like, $5 million worth of art inside there. So he got $5 million worth of art. Leverage that. Here's the problem. Trump couldn't keep the daily cost of keeping Mar A Largo up and running. And they were only giving, like, $100,000 a year to keep it up and running. So that's why he turned into a country club. You want to talk about what a gangster move Trump did? He knew he was competing with all the other country clubs in Palm Beach. So what he did is he goes, huh? I got something they can't argue against, guys. I'm allowing blacks, gays, and Jews in this country club and fucking West Palm was like, what the fuck? And he really take it up with the ACLU. And then. And that's. And 25 grand was 25 grand initially to join Mar a Lago. It's way more now. Oh, my. 25 grand. Yeah. But I did like a deep dive on it. I was. I was curious about it. But he made a killing on that fucking place.

[B]

It says that the negotiation tactic he used was that he initially offered to buy it for 15 million, was rejected, then bought the nearby beachfront land for 2 million and threatened to build a house that would block the ocean view.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Driving down the price of the property, and then ended up purchased for 10 million. 85, which is equivalent to 30 today.

[A]

Our president said publicly he got it for 8. That's what the news does. Fake media.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Well, it says he got 5 million for the mansion, 3 million for the furnishings, 2 million for the adjacent beachfront land. The two looks like it was separate, so. I think you're right.

[C]

It's eight.

[A]

Yeah. But I've been really into documentaries, lady, lately when I. Right before I go to bed, I turn on a documentary. And. That was a good one. And look, open it to Jews and blacks.

[B]

He's so insane, dude.

[A]

We're gonna miss him.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The entertainment value. Yeah. He's entertaining.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's. You know. You know, I'll tell you what I. I said this about George Bush Jr. Is when he was president. Everyone fought. You forget how much everyone hated him.

[B]

Yeah. So much.

[A]

And I said, we're gonna miss him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It just gets worse. If you're into crazy ex girlfriends, they just get crazier. We're not going. We're. We're not. We'll go back, we'll have one or two normies, but we're gonna. We're gonna. It's gonna get even. Think about what social media is and what's online. There's dudes online, straight up white dudes, straight up saying the nword, like, And. And going like, I don't do. What are you gonna do? Cancel me? Well, I don't care it. You. And that is the future of the youth. The youth is. The youth's off. And I think it's everyone's microdosing and eating edibles and. And. And doing BPC 157 and. And optimizing their sleep and. And they're all online. No one's living. Everyone's like, right here, but no one's out fucking meeting Anyone. Or sitting at a bar and telling a fucking lie. Like. Like old school dudes.

[B]

Yeah, Well, I do think people are going to get way crazier. You're right on that.

[A]

Like, we're going to look back and go, I mark my words, because I said it with jjw. Gw. GW how much do you miss GW he was.

[B]

I miss him.

[A]

Yeah, right? And think of. There's not one per. I bet Janine Garofalo would be like, God, man, I miss George Bush Jr. Whatever. God damn it. Why can't I talk today? George W. J Dub, look at him. And now he gives Werther's. He give. He gives Werther's to Kamala. Not Kamala Harris. I should stop talking. Okay. Not Condi Rice. Who's the fucking. I just named two black chicks.

[B]

I don't know who you're talking about.

[A]

Obama. Michelle Obama.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He gives Werther's to her at funerals. He's like, hey, hi, Michelle.

[B]

Want a little.

[A]

She's like, g Dub, you're so good. And then he gives her a Werther's. And he was like, hey, you want to hear a joke? No.

[B]

He seems like the smartest guy in the world. Next to Trump, this guy. I mean. Yeah.

[A]

It's just getting worse.

[B]

Yeah. It's not even.

[A]

And the kids these days that now agree with communism, and you look at the fucking. You look at the left, and the left is. Is literally run by lunatics who are lighting bombs and throwing bombs in New York and punching. It's. I mean, it's like. It's. It's insanity. It's insanity. And I. And the. The pendulum doesn't write itself and just go back to the center. The pendulum swings hard as fuck. That's the way the world works.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Did you think, like, this is interesting. I haven't really dove into this. Can you pull up Dahmer's mom's thing?

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer's mom, she said that her son didn't hurt his victims. And I kind of want to. I think it's an important thing to really dive into, because I always said that people talk too much shit about Dahmer. You know, he was a little knucklehead, but he wasn't like, you know, so he killed them, but he never tried to hurt them. That's what she said. And I think it's a good point, you know, that he was. He was just doing what he did, but he wasn't like, he didn't hurt them physically or hurt their feelings. You know, I think he just ended their lives. He was not a bad guy.

[A]

Wait, wait, hold on. There's the one story of the one kid with the hammer in his head that ran down the bar.

[B]

The hole drilled in his head.

[A]

I think that hurt.

[B]

You're right. And I don't know what she would say to that. That'd be an interesting thing to. To go back to him on.

[A]

He drilled into someone's head while they were alive, and then that person ran to a bar and got cops. And then it was the. It was big Joey Diaz's joke. Who are they gonna believe?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Me or a chick with a black eye and a wig? A dude with a black eye and a wig.

[B]

So this is into Christopher Wilder. What is this? Oh, oh, okay. He's. This is a different person that he's talking about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. A psychologist. Is there any more or did she just say that? Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you know, again, I, I like to remember Jeffrey as more than just a serial killer.

[A]

You know he's dead, right?

[B]

Yeah, he's dead. He got killed in prison.

[A]

I bet that was a scary way

[B]

to go, the way he died in prison. Yeah, he got, I think it was beat with a broomstick to death.

[A]

I'm sure they shoved it up his.

[B]

They actually, I believe they did. Yeah.

[A]

They had to.

[B]

Yeah. It was one guy who was already in for murder. He was like, well, what have I got to lose? You know, I was.

[A]

I was next to a 95 year old woman on a flight yesterday coming in and we had to do a aborted attack, aborted landing. So we had to take off. It's amazing how quick those planes are when they punch it. Like. And, and she got scared.

[B]

Really?

[A]

She was 95.

[B]

How are you with flying now? Still scared?

[A]

Yeah. I was scared yesterday when we had to board the landing, but I'm a little better. My anxiety has been pretty good without.

[B]

You had to abort the landing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, we had to take back off.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How come?

[A]

Like, we went and almost touched down and then it just took off because there was a plane on the tarmac.

[B]

Oh, did they announce it? They're like, oh, nope, they just did it.

[A]

They just did it. We were like, right in la. You know when you get to la, where you get to like the safe part, where you're looking at the, the, the, all the warehouses and the parking structures and the parking cars and then you're like, oh, I'm home. And you just hear. And we got there and it just went. And we flew out over the ocean like, we're going to Hawaii. And then we didn't turn around. We didn't turn around for a while. And I was like. And no one said anything. And she was 95. She was sitting next to me, and she was nervous, and I was like, I'm 95. What are you nervous for?

[B]

Yeah. I didn't say that to her, but

[A]

she looked at me and she goes, this is scary. And I was like, for me, I still have, like, 30 good years for you. You got two. Wouldn't you rather go out in a plane crash at 95?

[B]

That would be awesome.

[A]

Yeah. It reminds me of the story of Stacy's grandmother. Was Stacy, who works here. I hate that I bring this up all the time, and it makes me giggle. She called me up one time, she goes, hey, I can't come to work today. And I said, why? She goes, my grandmother died. And I went, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. She goes, no, I know. It's just. I said, how old was she? And she goes, it doesn't matter. I said, no, I'm just curious. She goes, she was 95. And I was like, well, yeah, but at that point, Stacey, I guess she got a. She goes, she caught on fire.

[B]

She caught on fire.

[A]

She burned to death in a building. Yeah. Her house caught on fire. I was like, oh, wow. I guess you didn't see that coming at 95. No, no. And Stacy and I bring.

[B]

That makes you laugh so hard.

[A]

It still makes me giggle. It's still. And I brought it up to someone at a party, and he goes, I can beat that. He goes, my mom was 97. Or my grandmother was 97. And I was like, really? And I was like, how did she die? And he goes, she got hit by a bus.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

And he goes. And I went, wait, did she could. And he goes, everyone asks if she could hear. It was an electric bus. It backed over her. Fuck, dude, I.

[B]

How would you prefer to go?

[A]

Say, I always said this. Rescuing someone.

[B]

No, no. I mean, like, between getting hit by a bus, let's say it's 65 miles an hour, so you kind of just splatter on the road, but it's real quick.

[A]

Plane crash if you. If you're picking the two.

[B]

Or how about house fire?

[A]

No, no, no, no. Hit by bus.

[B]

Hit by a bus. Yeah.

[A]

I would never want to burn alive.

[B]

Yeah. Bus. Bus is quick. Real quick.

[A]

Yeah. Drowning. Drowning or catching on fire?

[B]

Ooh, that's a good one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I've got. You know, I've almost drowned before and it's so.

[A]

That's right. Yeah.

[B]

It's so terrifying. I mean, I don't think anyone. I think burning alive has got to be just so horrific.

[A]

I bet at a certain point you

[B]

lean into it to the burning.

[A]

Yeah. And you just, like, kind of go towards the fire and you're like, let's wrap this up.

[B]

Never really thought about that. Maybe.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

I think I'm gonna take fire.

[A]

Take fire, yeah. Okay. If you're gonna be killed by an animal, would you rather be on your territory or their territory? Meaning, like, attacked by a shark in water where you're not familiar, or attacked by a lion where on ground you're familiar?

[B]

Fuck, That's a good one. I just saw footage of a guy that got attacked by a puma. It's real gnarly.

[A]

My numbskull assistant was like. I was asking him today, what. What percentage of animals do you think you could kill by hand? And he goes, 60. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, well, you figure I can get all the way up to dog and cat. And I was like, you think you could kill a cat? He was like, yeah. I was like, I couldn't get a cat out of a tree.

[B]

You think he thinks once he gets his hands on it, he could kill it?

[A]

He goes, do they know I'm killing it? And I went, well, they're gonna know once you start strangling me. Yeah, they think they're gonna be like, this is the weirdest massage.

[B]

That is so. Dude, the shark death or the lion death?

[A]

I feel like death. Hang on, let's walk you through it. Okay, well, let's.

[B]

You know, this. The lion. The lion death's gonna be quicker. You're going to die quicker.

[A]

The shark death is going to happen. And then he's going to let you sit there as he does a lap and then comes back.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. The shark's going to bite you and then, like. Yeah, then start swimming around you and you're going to be, like, scared. You're going to know what's happening. You're going to be screaming in the water, your chunk of your leg is missing, you're bleeding profusely. And then you're like, I'm about to die. And I'm looking at the shark, the lion. You're going to be scared if you know it's coming, but it's going to bite your neck and just Try to crush it right away. So it's going to. It's going to go for your neck and just crush your neck.

[A]

And I'm allergic to cats, so, like,

[B]

that's another thing is your eyes. Your eyes will be itching and red and your nose is going to get congested.

[A]

Oh, and I'm having asthma attack and he'll be biting my neck.

[B]

But the crazy thing is your spinal snaps so fast that you won't really feel that much.

[A]

What animal would you rather attack you, a bear or a lion?

[B]

Ugh. I think. I think the lion still, because it goes for your neck.

[A]

Okay, then what would you rather, a lion or ten dogs?

[B]

Oh, fuck. These are vicious killing dogs.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I think you're gonna suffer more in that one. It's gonna be so fucking brutal, dude.

[A]

All right, now you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. You get attacked by 10 dogs, but the owner of those dogs is there. Would you rather the owner be a woman, a black dude, or a guy, A Latina who doesn't speak English?

[B]

How do you want to go out?

[A]

No. Okay, hold on. So, okay, you got to think, if it's the woman, she's going to be going, they're friendly. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hang on, guys. Stop it, Stop it. If it's a black guy, he's probably like. He's probably like, get some. Get some.

[B]

He's saying, get some.

[A]

And then if it's a Mexican guy, you don't know what he's saying.

[B]

I do. Yeah. I think, you know, we've taken so much from black culture. I'll take the black guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little payback.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

How about monkeys, though? What about chimps, right? They bite your fingers off. They bite your fingers off. They take your jaw.

[C]

They take.

[B]

Look, they do this and they pull your jaw out of your face and they always rip your testes off because they know you're a male and they know you'll reproduce with that. So they rip your testicles off and then they peel skin off your back like they're strips of bacon with their hands, you know?

[A]

So then what's the question? Is chimp or gorilla?

[B]

Yeah, well, gorilla might just pounce you, right, and then throttle you down.

[A]

So it's going to play with you. It's going to think you're a toy

[B]

for a while, but you'll probably be unconscious pretty quick. See, I think you suffer more at the hands of the chimps, you know? I think you suffer more.

[A]

Would you rather be killed by 10 women or 10 men.

[B]

That's a real crazy pivot. Thought we were talking about animals.

[A]

Ten women's gonna take, like, 45, 50 minutes. Are these badass women, though, just regular women? Regular women. Regular women. Regular men. And pull them off a frontier flight,

[B]

and they just start, what, pummeling you?

[A]

And. And they're like, guys, we've got a hundred million dollars. You got to kill this guy. You got one day to do it. And then they. And they just start beating you until you die. So it may take, like, a day,

[B]

but you're gonna be fighting the wimp. See, the guys, you just.

[A]

No, you're gonna get over, but you're gonna get tired.

[B]

10 women hit a lot of women, though.

[A]

10 regular dudes. You're probably stronger than the regular dude.

[B]

Okay, but still, like, 10 of them is a lot. Ten's a lot. So I could see how like. But, like, as. Let's say three women, three of the 10 are in front of. You're gonna start punching women in the face, right. And throat. And they're breaking some ribs. I mean, let's say you knock out three or four of them.

[A]

How fun would the first fucking minute

[B]

and a half be of hitting that woman?

[A]

Just beating the fuck out of the first three win that come your way and just being like. So no one's going to say anything. Wow.

[B]

And they're like, there's $100 million bounty on your head, dude.

[A]

And. Yeah, and then, I mean, the thing is.

[B]

But are these, like, gross fucking Philly chicks who, like, you know, I mean, like, who really know how to scrap, or are these, like, Midwest moms?

[A]

No, let's make it. Let's make it. A bunch of fucking Philly bitches.

[B]

Yeah. Third time, dude.

[A]

That are like. Yo. They're, like, wiping their nose, and they're like, this is gonna get good. It's on a G, L, E, S. Eagles. Go, Birds. Let's get Tommy.

[B]

Yeah. That's gonna be rough, dude. I mean, you're gonna. You're. You are gonna have a little bit of fun cracking a few jaws. But, I don't know. Ten of them is a lot, dude.

[A]

Ten's a lot. I'd rather be beaten. I'd rather be killed by 10 men. Yeah. Easily.

[B]

Just for the story, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pride.

[A]

What language would you like to die to the least? Like, because you figure we fought in wars, people have died to Iraqi or whatever that is.

[B]

Arabic.

[A]

Yeah, Arabic people have died to German.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

People.

[B]

It's a rough one because it sounds scary.

[A]

Sandra's raising her hand. People died to Vietnamese. Vietnamese sounds like it's like a little, like. Right.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

But it's more like round. It's more round. It's like. As opposed to Japanese, which is. And then. And then Vietnamese is like,

[B]

What do you think? Would you like it or dislike it to be suffering at the hands of an Asian more. Because, you know, they're colder.

[C]

Right? So.

[A]

Okay, hold on. So you gotta think of the moment, right? The moment you don't want is when they say something and then they laugh to themselves. So what language would you like? Hund gleen glatten gluben.

[C]

Ha.

[A]

You gotta think Bobby Lee killing you. Sant. Like, Irish accent. You think you're getting out of this one, boyo?

[B]

But you understand that one.

[A]

Yeah, I know you're not. Yeah, you understand that. No, but they're talking in Gaelic. We're like, clack and jin jin.

[B]

Oh, right. That would be more frustrating because it's close. You'd be like. Could you just say it in English?

[A]

You're right. I'd be like, can you stop?

[B]

I bet the Vietnamese one sucks.

[A]

I bet the Vietnamese one. Because it's a little. No offense, Sandra, but it's a little goofier, you know? And it's. It sounds like there's like a comic relief to it. And you always feel like you're getting let go and you're like, what? For real? No, no, you. Not you. Him.

[B]

Yeah. And they'll break your arms.

[A]

Not you. I'm trying to do. And I'm trying to do Vietnamese. Not you. Him. Not you. Him. That's it. It's like Angela Johnson's nail salon. You got boyfriend. Italian would be sexy to die, too.

[B]

Italian would be sexy to die, too.

[A]

Italian would be sexy to die, too. Spanish. I wouldn't mind dying to Spanish.

[C]

Right?

[A]

I bet a certain point you just fall asleep.

[B]

Just. But it would sucked if it was like a Chechnyan guy. Just saying, you're like. I don't know what the happening.

[A]

Russian would suck.

[B]

Suck. Yeah. Chinese like Mandarin.

[A]

I'd rather die to English and know what we're saying. And now, what English accent would you like to die to? Would you like to die to a British accent? Like a cockney? Like. All right, looks like we're cutting his knickers off.

[B]

I think I would rather die if I was gonna die. Make it more a refined Brit. I think that would just be more pleasant thing to hear.

[A]

Yeah, it feels cleaner.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

A refined bit. As opposed to American accent.

[B]

Oh, Yeah, I don't want to listen to that while I'm dying. American would suck.

[A]

What American accent would be the worst to die to?

[B]

Probably Texas. Like a Southern.

[A]

Southern accent because it doesn't sound smart. It doesn't sound smart. And you feel like you're being bested by someone dumber than you.

[B]

That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Same with that Mid Atlantic accent, which is like that Philly Baltimore accent. That would suck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Pittsburgh accent would suck to die too.

[B]

Yeah, Yin's for sure.

[A]

Fucking Canadian accent.

[B]

Okay, no, I don't want.

[A]

We're gonna kill you.

[B]

Eh, that would suck.

[A]

Take his tarp off. Okie dokie. Oh, this is gonna be a long day. But, oh, oh, you're not gonna like anything we do to you.

[B]

I think you hit the key thing, though. If you feel like it's dumber, then it's worse.

[A]

Yeah. No offense to the Vietnamese people, but like. Yeah, like I said Vietnamese earlier and I was saying because it's more round and like, where Japanese sounds more precise and it's more. And but you're right. I think the dumber the accent, the. That sounds mildly racist. But the dumber the accent.

[B]

Yeah. Then the worse it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even for like the homegrown stuff.

[A]

Can I tell you something wildly racist that a black guy told me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So I was touring with this guy and I. We casually saw a picture of a black dude without a mustache. And you don't have a mustache right now.

[B]

Well, it's growing in.

[A]

No, no, but you don't have one. You have like hair there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said, you know, a long time ago I heard. I heard that black guys without facial hair are gay. And he goes, my dad told me that when I was a kid and I was like, for real? And he was like, yeah. And I was. And I started Googling it and it's kind of accurate. Like, most, almost all straight black dudes have facial hair.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

And then he said, and this is even wilder. And once you go on Instagram, you can't unsee this. He said that when he was growing up, someone told him, because I'm not incriminating anyone, that light skinned black people act up a little more act blacker than dark skinned black people. He was told he was just sharing with this me and the bus. And now all I. And it's like your phone hears you. Tomorrow all I get on my thing is light skinned black chicks who are like, who are like talking almost like they're making fun of Black people like her. I walked through the mall, heard her, you know, like, it's like crazy. I'm doing a bad impression of it, but it's like, it's like with a toothpick in her mouth and she's like. And clearly she's light skinned. And he told me that. And I. And it's like now that he said that, I can't unsee it.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna look for it now. I feel like it's all.

[A]

It's gonna pop up. It's like when Donnell told us that black people like Pepsi more.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. The reasons why. Yeah.

[A]

And then Tom, every time I've been in a restaurant and they don't have Coke, it's a black waiter going, all we have is Pepsi. Every time. Every time. And I'm like, do you like Pepsi? And I go, I love it. I love that. And menthols. I love Pepsi products. What would. What would be the. What they should do? There should be one chain that signs a wild deal with RC Cola and

[B]

just goes, that's all we got.

[A]

All we got is RC Cola. And you're like, wow. Or like, what would be the brand? Like Faygo would be cool. Pull up brands of sodas, would you like? Because you got the Pepsi products, the Coke products. Then you got Faygo, you got rc, you got Fanta. Fanta's probably in the Pepsi, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's see.

[B]

Dr. Pepper. Do you like Dr. Pepper?

[A]

I love Dr. Pepper.

[B]

Yeah, Dr. Pepper is good.

[A]

I like Mr. Pibb more.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I like Mr. Pibb. And I like A and W. I

[B]

got into those root beers and cream sodas, the sugar free ones. I think that's the best sugar free thing out there with all of them. But do you notice that if you crack one of those, the carbonation goes so fast? Like if you don't drink it right away.

[A]

I drink. I drink a diet root beer so fast that you don't notice it, that. I don't know, I drink it within two sips.

[B]

Two sips.

[A]

Two sips. I drink a diet root beer. That's how fast they go down. And I'll tell you, mug's diet root beer is way sweeter than anyone out there.

[B]

I do think that this health conscious stuff is a pile of. That's always a bummer when you go, Coke. And they go, we have fucking spindrift. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[A]

I'll tell you what is really good. Have you had Olipop yet? No, I'm gonna buy a case for your boys when I'm in Austin.

[C]

Really?

[A]

And they're gonna love Olipop. Olipop tastes like candy, but it's like 25 calories. It's Olipop's legit.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I think St. Patty's Day is ours. I don't think they celebrate it.

[B]

They do.

[A]

They did, but they don't celebrate it the way we do.

[B]

Maybe not. I don't know.

[A]

I think our saint. I was in Dublin for St Patty's Day one year. They have a parade and stuff. It's big, but it's almost like. It's like light skinned black chicks.

[B]

It's exactly like that.

[A]

We're the light skinned black chicks of St. Patty's Day. Right, right.

[B]

That's a really good point. Yeah. They're like, what are you talking about? We're super dark. We don't need to do that. Right.

[A]

His. His examples. And I gotta have on my podcast so that he can defend his examples. But his examples were spot on. And I'm not gonna step my toe into it. I think black people already know what I'm saying. I think it's common within the culture. They know what I'm saying. But. But. And I'm probably misrepresenting it, but his examples were wild.

[B]

Well, you gotta get him to post them. Tell him to post those. That'd be fun.

[A]

I gotta. I gotta say this. I wanna get Vince Vaughn on the podcast. I want us to interview Vince Vaughn. His new movie. Nick and Alice and Nick and Mike. What's it called? It's so. It looks so fucking good.

[B]

Did you see it?

[A]

I haven't seen it. I got it. I saw the trailer and I reached out to Hulu, I think it's on Hulu, and I. And I wanted to see.

[B]

Have you seen Nick and Nick and Alice?

[A]

Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice? It looks so fucking good, Tom.

[B]

It looks.

[A]

Do you want to watch the trailer?

[B]

I've seen the trailer.

[A]

Oh, it's. Dude, I am so excited for this movie. This is everything I want. Comedy and time travel. Shut the fuck up. I'm so pumped for this movie.

[B]

Great.

[A]

This movie. And have you seen the trailer for Peaky Blinders?

[B]

No. The movie.

[A]

The movie Peaky Blinders is coming out in theaters, then on Netflix. I'm gonna go in theaters and I'll watch it again on a planet. And have you seen the Seven Kingdoms of the Night of Seven Kingdoms? You have not seen the Night of Seven Kingdoms.

[B]

I have not seen the Knight of Seven Kingdoms.

[A]

Is that the name of it? The Knight of Seven Kingdoms. It is Game of Thrones, but for like, 20 million. So, you know, Game of Thrones is like the night. A Night of Seven Kingdoms is hbo. It is on, Max. It is so good.

[B]

But I also didn't watch all of Game of Thrones.

[A]

Don't need to. Well, you kind of need to a little bit.

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

You need to, but. But not really. It's so.

[B]

This is excellent.

[A]

Yeah. And they did it low budget. You can kind of tell it's low budget. Not to be shitty, but, like, when you. You. When you watch it, you'll see certain shots where you're, like. Where you say to yourself, what was the budget for this?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you find out it's 6 million an episode. They did 20 million for five episodes. So, like, you know, they. You know, they kind of part and parcel it a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, but you're really into expression.

[A]

This is really good.

[B]

Okay. All right, well, we gotta wrap it up.

[A]

Are we done?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Next episode will be in Austin.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then I will have picked your boys up from school.

[B]

Yeah, they're. They're gonna love that, dude.

[A]

So I'll just sleep on your couch.

[B]

Sure, if you want to.

[A]

I guess I'll sleep in a hotel.

[B]

Well, we'll make it work. Dude, you gotta do. You gotta start posting about what you guys did. You and Epstein. You gotta tell stories.

[A]

He used to call me the Conqueror.

[B]

Look, guys, everybody has been talking. I'm finally going to tell you. Here's what Epstein was like. You'll see that I'm in the files.

[A]

I should do an omission. Like, just go like. So it's out now I'm in the Epstein. Hey, did you know I was in the Epstein list? Wait, am I not in the Epstein list?

[B]

You are.

[A]

Did you make this up?

[C]

No.

[B]

Pull it up yourself. See if there's a result when you search the Department of Justice Epstein files.

[A]

I'm gonna do some. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do some deep research in my Epstein affiliation, and if. If I need to, I'll come clean.

[B]

Yeah, just tell your. Tell people about your friend. Just talk about your friend. We call him an associate. Like, people, like, I met him, but, you know, I met him and we hung out at a few parties.

[A]

He made me call him Sig App. Yeah.

[B]

And he called you Conqueror.

[A]

Conqueror. Yeah, Conqueror.

[B]

He had a lot of roller coaster questions back then.

[A]

He was really into the Intimidator. And top throw dragster. Hey, what? Just what do the lines look like in that top? Total dragster. And I go, they're long. And he goes, how old are the girls in that line? Yeah. I was like, what? I never understood. I was like, huh?

[C]

Huh?

[A]

He's like, those water parks. What is the age limit there?

[B]

And you kept going like, wait, why do you want me to bring my kids for everything?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, so wait, like the average height. Is this how to ride that ride? But, like, what age is that that goes this high?

[B]

How old is this?

[A]

Fucking no, Jeff, how old is this?

[B]

So funny. All right, it was fun. It's good to see you, buddy.

[A]

I love you. I'll see you. I'll see you next week in Austin.

[B]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Burt. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.