The Summer Bears Came For The Winter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Summer Bears Came For The Winter"

2 Bears, 1 Cave – Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer (Guest Hosts: Chris Distefano & Bert Kreischer)
YMH Studios | December 15, 2025

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Overview

This “Winter Bears” edition of 2 Bears, 1 Cave features guest hosts Chris Distefano and Bert Kreischer, humorously stepping in while Tom and Bert focus on other ventures. Framing themselves as the "contractual babysitters" of the podcast, they riff on being comic substitutes for four "most phoned-in episodes ever." The episode is a freewheeling, irreverent catch-up, featuring their classic self-deprecation, comedic biting, and unfiltered story trading—covering everything from failed TV gigs and health struggles to family chaos and political gossip.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why the Winter Bears? (00:05–03:12)

• Phoned-In Substitute Hosts: Bert and Chris joke about being “babysitters,” keeping the podcast warm while Tom and Bert chase sitcom and Netflix fame.
  • "We’re just here so Bert and Tom can let their shows fail or succeed and then decide if this show comes back.” (Bert, 02:53)
• Refusal to Commit: Both adamant they’ll “never” do this podcast full time or join Bert’s notorious comedy cruise.
  • Memorable: “I’m not getting on a boat with Bert’s biggest superfans in international waters, close to his bare nipples.” (Chris, 01:33)

2. Inside Jokes & The Business of Podcasting (02:53–06:53)

• Their Approach: They plan to do the bare minimum, hoping not to be re-invited (“actively trying not to get invited back for Spring Bears”).
• Podcasting as Polyamory: Chris likens their temporary gig to a “legal podcast affair.”
  • “We’re podcast polyamorous... We come in, we fuck, we come into Burt and Tom’s house and fuck each other so our wives don’t know where we are.” (Bert, 10:14)
• Sponsored Satire: Outright mockery of the advertising components and contractual obligations keeping the podcast afloat.
  • "We are here to sell pre-portioned chicken cordon bleus. And that’s all we’re here for.” (Bert, 02:05)

3. Health and Self-Sabotage (03:30–07:15)

• Food Contradictions: Both discuss their inability to maintain their health—eating "bacon, egg, and cheese" while discussing self-improvement.
  • Classic Bert: "I use home fries as a condiment.” (Bert, 04:57)
• Cauliflower Pizza Disaster: Chris’ attempt at eating healthy (cauliflower crust pizza at a Texas comedy club) backfires, resulting in “explosive diarrhea.”
• Pepto Bismol Reverie: Bert describes his gastrointestinal torment: “That bacon from the morning and muffin is just pounding it from the back, ready to rocket out.” (Bert, 05:06)

4. Jobs, TV Bombs & the Comedy Grind (14:45–46:50)

• Chris’ Real Estate Obsession (14:45–17:14):
  • Chris just bought a new house and is already contemplating moving again—addicted to “Zillow chaos.”
  • “I think I’m addicted to being overwhelmed. You ever think about that?” (Chris, 16:25)
• String of Failed TV Gigs: Chris recounts his extensive but ill-fated TV résumé—MLB shows, MTV’s Guy Code/Girl Code, Comedy Central specials, failed pilots, and more.
  • Insult/ compliment: “You have had the most hilarious, fakest TV career. Every show feels fake and has had no cultural impact whatsoever.” (Bert, 36:20)
• Transition from Therapist to Comedian: Chris left a pediatric physical therapy career for comedy—prompted by the infamous “hiding your boner” Guy Code episode (38:20–41:23).

5. Weight Loss & Medication (22:08–25:48)

• Bert’s Battle with GLP-1 Meds: On fat-loss drugs (“not Ozempic, Zep Bound”) and the science behind the hunger “off switch.”
  • “There’s nothing more depressing than thinking: I am going to beat this miracle medicine. Nope.” (Bert, 25:14)
  • Bert relays his undeterred urge to overeat: "I have to be in pain to stop eating." (Bert, 29:49)

6. Parenting, Pets, and Family Chaos (47:57–54:50)

• Siberian Husky Mistake: Chris’ family gets a high-maintenance husky puppy; immediate regret ensues.
  • “I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it. But if my daughter goes a few days with zero responsibility, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to say: now we're giving the dog away.” (Chris, 51:32)
  • Bert: “That is the worst kind of dog possible. Unless you're riding the Iditarod.” (Bert, 50:34)
• Chris’s Old Dalmatian—‘Cruella’: His first experience with pets, and his dad’s “you think he’s gay?” remark (52:38–53:13).

7. Political Satire & Social Commentary (56:01–61:20)

• Middle East, NY Politics, and Muslim Mayors: Bert and Chris riff on the news, poking fun at political paranoia around NYC’s new Muslim mayor and anti-Mamdani group chats.
  • “We’re gonna let a Muslim be mayor? … They couldn’t understand why people didn’t have a problem with it.” (Bert, 61:00)
  • Chris’ group chat: “I texted them at 2 o’clock. Everyone’s like, ‘Dude, I got hungover. I didn't [vote].’” (Chris, 61:41)

8. End-of-Episode Callbacks & Running Gags (65:18–67:56)

• Plugs & Self-Deprecation: Jokes around selling out (“whatever Jimmy Kimmel wants me to do, I’m doing”) and plugging Stavi’s 2026 “fat boy” calendar.
  • “2027, it’ll look like Stavi with AIDS." (Chris, 65:54)
• “Fat Head Theory”: The notion that when fat comedians slim down, their huge heads make them look ridiculous.
  • “My head is gigantic. I’d look like a Pez dispenser. So many fat people just have humongous heads.” (Bert, 66:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Taking Over the Pod:
  • “We’re keeping the seat warm in case those [sitcoms] both fail.” (Bert, 02:47)
• On Comedy Cruises:
  • “I don’t need to be in international waters close to his bare nipples. No thanks.” (Chris, 01:33)
• On Failed TV:
  • “I’ve also been a part of eight pilots—0 for 8 with my own show ideas.” (Chris, 36:34)
• On Food Shame:
  • “I use home fries as a condiment. I use fried potatoes as a topping.” (Bert, 04:57)
• On Overeating Strategy:
  • “I’ll drink a bunch of water… balloon up the stomach, then fill it up with meats before it realizes.” (Bert, 30:04)
• On Family Chaos:
  • “My kids are somehow growing up upper-middle class with the mentality of a war-torn refugee.” (Bert, 15:21)
• On Husky Ownership:
  • “If she goes a few days with zero responsibility, now we’re giving the dog away. No second chance. That’s it.” (Chris, 51:32)
• On Muslim Mayors and NYC:
  • “The Italian flags in Ridgewood are flying at half-mast right now.” (Bert, 60:41)
• Podcast Polyamory:
  • “We’re podcast polyamorous… We have hot, gorgeous sex, but then we both go back to our committed relationships to History Hyenas.” (Chris, 10:10)
• On Political Power and “Epstein Tapes”:
  • “They got Bill Clinton double-teaming a 14-year-old gymnast with Bill Gates. They got that in 4K.” (Bert, 57:45)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:05 – Bert and Chris intro: “We will never do this show full time.”
• 01:33 – Chris on refusing Bert’s cruise
• 02:53 – “Keeping the seat warm…”
• 04:52 – Bert’s “home fries as condiment” routine
• 06:53 – Chris’s “explosive diarrhea” from cauliflower pizza
• 14:45 – Chris on moving-house addiction
• 22:08 – Bert’s journey with GLP-1 weight loss shots
• 36:34 – Chris’s string of failed pilots/TV gigs
• 47:57 – Chris’s regrettable decision to get a Siberian husky
• 56:01 – Studio indifference to Winter Bears
• 60:41 – “The Italian flags in Ridgewood… half-mast.”
• 65:18 – Stavi calendar plug, “2027, Stavi with AIDS” gag

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Tone & Style

Crass, self-deprecating, absurdist, and ruthlessly honest—Bert and Chris bring the high-energy, loose format that fans expect, peppering sincerity between bits of surreal profanity. The running theme: “We don’t care, and neither should you.” The tone ranges from genuinely vulnerable to mock-nihilistic, with a constant awareness of podcast tropes, the business side of comedy, and the realities of midlife chaos.

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Final Notes

No news is safe from their lampooning, no failure left unmocked, and no bodily function too gross for a five-minute riff. For fans of 2 Bears and the extended YMH comedy universe, this fills the void with archetypal “bear-bone” banter, behind-the-scenes showbiz war stories, and deeply unserious social commentary—all delivered with more self-awareness, and less clothing, than any other winter-themed podcast.

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For upcoming topics, suggestions, and behind-the-scenes chaos, listeners are encouraged to submit ideas—though, as the hosts promise: "And we won't listen." (Chris, 68:59)

Transcript

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey everybody and welcome to the Winter Bears.

[Chris Distefano]

Look at us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. Wow. They are. We thought they were phoning it in in the summer. Yes, but this is a neck. This is the next level, folks.

[Chris Distefano]

Get ready.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom is just in the room over there. Yes, he's just over there having coffee. And we want to be clear. We will never do this show full time.

[Chris Distefano]

Never.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never.

[Chris Distefano]

It's not going to happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And we did. We thought we were doing a horrible job last time. You are in for four of the most phoned in episodes you have ever experienced in your lives. And we don't give a. That's the beauty of this. This is like. Okay, last episode, last. The last summer, it was like when your. Your parents have a work trip so they have to get a babysitter to watch you. This is just. Now your parents are all on benzos in the pool and they've just hired a maid to look at you. We're just like a babysitter because your parents are sick of looking you in the face.

[Chris Distefano]

100%. Two things. And I'm speaking for you, Stavi. But I believe that you'll agree with me. Two things I'll never do in my life. This podcast full time or Bert Kreischer's comedy cruise.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, yeah, the cruise is tough.

[Chris Distefano]

I got an offer for it and the answer is resounding no. And it always will be. I'm not getting on a boat with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert Kreischer is one step too far. Yeah, I don't want to be in international waters with Bert's biggest super fans.

[Chris Distefano]

No, dude, I don't want to. I don't need to be in international waters close to his bare nipples. No thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll be on a tour bus with his nips.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like the tour bus.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I'm not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need to be on dry land so I could bail out and I could fucking.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hitchhike to the. To the nearest Buc EE's and get home if something goes wrong.

[Chris Distefano]

Now they're holding on to this show, to this network. The same reason why parents hold on. You know, they're trying to get. Make sure they're. You know, we want to stay together till our kids are 18, then we'll go on. They're holding on because they have a contract with hellofresh.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we are here to sell pre portioned chicken cordon blues. And that's all we're here for.

[Chris Distefano]

The money was given up front. And so between that and better help and whatever lightning strike bullshit Drink that they sell. Yeah. All that stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were like, advertising, like a financial services company. Remember that? That was insane.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Tom is doing season two of his Netflix show, coming up with new ways to shit his pants. And Bird has a multicam sitcom on that. It's. I don't know what's going to happen with that. So it's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're, you know. That's true. They have. They have. They have found their ladders out there. They're trying to climb out of podcasting with sitcoms and movies.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're basically. We're keeping the seat warm in case those both fail.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

If those shows are successful, this show is done and you guys know it.

[Chris Distefano]

Now we're going to actively. What we're going to try to actively do over the next four weeks is try not to get invited back for spring Bears. But that. So we're gonna do what we can here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Possible. I don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know. We're gonna try. We're gonna try, you know, joke world. We'll do what he can to interview us and tell the fans it's a good thing. And, you know, and so. But the honest God is we're trying here. We're here with the winter bears. Now. What I do like about this, what is positive about this, is you and I, we don't see each other much.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a great opportunity to catch up.

[Chris Distefano]

Chance for us to hang. You know, we were. We were both talking about having our breakfast, and we're both talking about how we need to really, you know, get our health together. You got to dial it in. You have a lot of stuff coming up. And I was like, I want to get my health together for my kids. As we're both eating bacon, egg and cheeses in the left hand and muffins with our right.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's actually worse than that because what we did was. I particularly me, you. To be fair, we're happy to be a little slut while we're here.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would have. Whatever Benson Spoon. He's in the. He's in the booth. We're on Benson's home turf. Whatever he had brought us. Whatever. Like he. If he poured caramel into a trough, you would have had that for breakfast.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

100.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You love to pretend it's out of your hands.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Because in your heart, you are a fat piece of shit.

[Chris Distefano]

I just work out a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. And so when it's. When it's out of your circum, when the circumstances force you to have treats. So last time you basically told Benson Spoon to bring us doughnuts and desserts, muffins. And I was like, hey, man, I'm trying to get it together. Don't do that this time. So he had egg white sandwiches, and then I just pulled the absolute fat guy move. Where Shout out to Josh. He also got just an extra breakfast platter. So even though I ordered an egg white sandwich with like spinach and avocado, I took the bacon from the breakfast platter and put it onto an egg white sandwich, which is worse than just a regular egg sandwich.

[Chris Distefano]

And let's be honest, you forget I was standing right next to you. Also put in the sandwich as well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. I use home fries as a condiment. I use fried potatoes as a topping. I don't get. If I don't eat it with a fork, I don't consider that. I've even had hash browns.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's part of the sandwich as far as I'm concerned. But so, you know, and then, of course, yes, I had some muffin. I'm the same way, Right. It's tough. And last yesterday I was. I was crushing Pepto Bismo. So I might. They might not only pay us to do these shows, but I might completely wrecked the plumbing at YMA Studios with the weird Pepto. There's a weird fucked up green Pepto shit in my intestines. That's. That bacon from the morning in the muffin is just pounding it from the back right now, ready to go. It's gonna rock it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, man. I, I fully. It's one of those things where I also. I went to Houston last night and I ate. I decided to.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do we have?

[Chris Distefano]

See, here's the thing. I had a really good day, right? And then I decided, I said, I really want pizza. And then I looked at the menu at the Houston Punchline, and I noticed cauliflower crust pizza, which I'm thinking, oh, this is healthier and less carbs. So I got a pepperoni cauliflower crust pizza.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cauliflower crust. Comedy club pizza in Texas.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, listen to those back. Listen to those words back.

[Chris Distefano]

It felt. It was disgusting. It was like I was eating a UFC fighter's ear. Just a nice cauliflower ear pizza. And it was. And I woke up in the middle of the night at like 3 o' clock in the morning. I was supposed to come here last night and be in Austin early this morning so we could get this started, but I literally was having, like, explosive diarrhea. Like I couldn't leave the confines of the hotel because of that cauliflower pizza. And I just started to feel better. And then I immediately ate the food that Benson Spoon has provided for us. So I'm with you. And maybe what we can do is for episode two, we can really just mail it in and actually have them set up cameras live, look into the stalls, and us do a podcast while we have Battleships.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mic up the bowl.

[Chris Distefano]

Just mic it up. I mean, that's pretty much what Tom and Bert do on a weekly basis.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is true. The verbal equivalent.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And I could feel there is no. I mean, the energy in here sucks. You guys are only seeing it this way, but we're looking over here and it looks bad. I mean, dude, it looks like Ukraine out there, but over here, like, woo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But, you know, I think that I'm happy to do this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am happy to be back. Look, all joking aside, I love Tom and Bert. It is fun to be here and it is fun to just do a podcast that doesn't affect us at all.

[Chris Distefano]

Zero.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the. We're. You know what I mean? There's no stakes for us. It's just a good time. We just happen to both be in Texas at the same time and they hit us up.

[Chris Distefano]

So, yeah. The only thing I have to deal with is Giannis is watching this with a gun in his mouth.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He's like, if you start another podcast with someone else, I'll fucking kill you and your family.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just start a podcast with a different Greek.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, you really are. It is. He is watching. And it's like, by the end of this, you. You go back to history. Is talking about how much you love Mamdani.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really are just the idiot bellwether that's blown between 2 Greeks 100%. One Republican fucking. Now he, Yanis, has become a suburban Republican father.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then one fucking degenerate socialist, you know, single city dweller.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The fricking whole revolution. And then I'm just doing. I'm just climbing the ladder of Greeks, you know, Giannis Stavi. And then eventually I am trying to get back on Fuller House with John Stanley. Just trying to get in there and then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuller House. Fuller.

[Chris Distefano]

No, but History Hyenas is safe. We're having a good time over there at the History Hyenas.

[Bert Kreischer]

My choice that it's safe. Yeah. You actually. This is basically like a Jolene. Giannis is basically singing Jolene to me. He's like, please don't take my man. It's like, I'm good, man. I just. I just want to him a couple times. You can keep him.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Chris Rock where he was like, men will. Because women want to take your. Take your husband. Like, the joke is like, women want to take your husband. Men don't want to take your wife. They want to fuck your wife, but they don't want to take her.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great joke off of tambourine. Great special. And that's how I feel about our relationship. You know, we come in, we cheat on our eldest. Eldest is out here. He's getting cucked harder than Giannis.

[Chris Distefano]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

He has to watch this. He's watching this from closed circuit tv.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, he's watching and he's just sitting out there with the guys who open for me, just asking him a million questions about his camera equipment. And he's just sitting there two and a half hours talking about lenses.

[Bert Kreischer]

And eldest thinks he looks like you too. That's the other funny thing. Eldis has, like, hilarious Albanian self esteem.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where he thinks he's so much hotter than he is.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's looking at this, he's like, what the hell? Why? Why am I a producer? I should be on the mic.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Eldest looks like me. If he was born in Hiroshima in 1945.

[Bert Kreischer]

If his dad's balls were just in nuclear goo.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, he was born in Chernobyl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chernobyl, absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So, no, but I think that, yeah, it's. Our relationship is, you know, we come and do this podcast. We have sex. We have hot, gorgeous sex, but then we both go back to our committed relationship, to Stavi's world, to history, hyenas. And everybody wins. We are kind of like. We're like a legal affair here. We can have an affair with each other. We could be good. And everybody's winning.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're podcast polyamorous.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly is what we are, dude. Exactly what we are.

[Bert Kreischer]

We come in, we fuck, we come into Burt and Tom's house and fuck each other. So our wives don't know where we are.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. Yeah. And then Burt and Tom can go do whatever they need to, and then they can come back, back, and everything's good. We've kept the seats warm.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

And this is what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

We kept the seats cover. Immersed in jizz, basically.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

They haven't. They haven't dried out.

[Chris Distefano]

And this would be good, I think, moving forward for relationships in general, because everyone always says the same thing, like, oh, I would never cheat on my wife if she would just allow me to have sex with other women. It would be better for us if you let me have sex with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone says that. It's not your internal monologue you're talking about right now because, like, you know, this well known thing that everybody says I should be able to fuck when I'm on the road. Everyone thinks that. Everyone thinks that as long as I'm a time zone away, it's a time zone and an ethnicity away.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you can. Everyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

The further the time zone, the closer you can get to fucking a Latina.

[Chris Distefano]

The entire borough of Staten island is agreeing with me right now. Yes. Yeah. But it's like people make this argument, oh, if I could step out, it would make things better. Now, who knows if it's true or not? I would never try. I love my family. But I will say that for podcasting, this works. You and I said. We were like, you know, because they said, oh, we want you and Stavi to do a show for ymh. And we said, we can't. We're not doing this shit long term. But coming in seasonal and hitting them with the few, this works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. When they have to hire extra hands at Target on Christmas, you know what I mean? To really stock all the toys. That's what we were here for.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Where are the two guys with down syndrome that come and help out the big markets like Walmart and Target to just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

We're getting thrown a bone here, here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

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[Chris Distefano]

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[Bert Kreischer]

What is going on with you, Chrissy? It's been a while, you know, how's the fam? How's the. You've moved fully into your new home now.

[Chris Distefano]

I've moved fully into my new home. And what's interesting is I've moved fully into my new home. And then as soon as I closed, I'm talking about day two, the insurance company told me I need a new roof. So I now am actively trying to get out of the house that I just purchased.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Cause I'm like, this thing needs a new roof. I didn't know it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

But here's my thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much does a roof cost it.

[Chris Distefano]

I know, I should just get a new roof.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stay. I know your kids are going to be. They're going to have like, PTSD I know.

[Chris Distefano]

I want to get one of them Tesla roofs. So.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what your kids are having you somehow. Your kids are growing up upper middle class, but they have the like the mentality of a. A war torn refugee.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. My kids are growing up. That's why they're pro Palestine. And. And so. And so. But I'm not. I am. If I. I wouldn't. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind to sell my house. Of course. It absolutely has. Of course I'm not gonna do it. And here. Okay. But if I do do it. If I do do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Simpson. If I did it.

[Chris Distefano]

Here's the big difference, which I think this is, cuz. Thinking about the kids first. I would not move out of the town that I'm in. So I won't change their schools.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. You already sent pies to the police officers.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've already tried to bribe the police with a sweet potato pie.

[Chris Distefano]

I did. Oh yeah. Dude. And they invited to the house for Thanksgiving. So I, I. But I have been thinking about it and I noticed what happens with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're addicted to moving, bro.

[Chris Distefano]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're addicted to Zillow.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You love fucking moving.

[Chris Distefano]

That's who. My sponsor.

[Bert Kreischer]

You love boxing shit up.

[Chris Distefano]

I know. And I. And the thing is too is like I don't even do it. Like, I try to hire companies to do the moving for me. Cause I don't want to do it. I think I'm addicted to being overwhelmed. You ever think about that? Like, I think I'm addicted to just having some type of constant chaos. Overwhelming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

In my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get that. Because if you have that, you can't actually sit and be with your thoughts and your actual deficiencies.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. You don't want to be faced with the fact that you desperately want to cheat every. Every moment of the day. All you want is a muffin and strange pussy.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've been having egg whites and been in a committed relationship. So if you're constantly boxing up your things and worried about new schools, you can't let your natural Italian mind wander.

[Chris Distefano]

Wander.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And then. And then for me to top all that off, I'm. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Even the furthest. Even. That is like a red herring from the real issue.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Yes. Every time. Every single time I come up for air and start to meditate, I just see my face on Vito in the parking lot coming up, giving the blowjob in the Sopranos.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so funny. You try and meditate. You just within three minutes, you're looking, you're thinking about vivid gay sex.

[Chris Distefano]

Just right away, Right away to the point where there'll be times where we're just watching a show in bed, like Jaz and I, and she. She's like, it's okay if you're gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

In fact, that's actually such a best case scenario.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God. She would. Because she knows we would always. I would always. They're my family for life. I'll always take care of them. As long as I have things, they have things. But then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of, like, moving on with another woman. She'd be like, oh, he's just, you know, he's just in a committed relationship with a guy now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now you think if you were gay, you wouldn't have. Cause gay guys, they love. To them, cheating isn't even a concept.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I mean? It's like how certain, certain, like different people can't see different colors, right? Or like, you know, coyotes and dogs can only see in certain colors. Gay guys don't even. Or certain languages don't have concepts, you know, like, they don't have the concept of cheating in the gay vernacular.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's like, it's. I think in French society, too, I think it's okay to cheat. Right. I've heard that French guys, the way it works in France is. Is you can cheat on your spouse. That's allowed. You just not. You just can't fall in love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

But you can bang and have sex. That's a natural urge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

It's my right as a Christian man to be able to do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

But to have sex, the friend. Yeah. And you even have your. You set your mistress up in a pied. Oh, a little petit terre.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, a little. And I've actually tried to get that and pulled it off as like a studio for the history hyenas, but I've been denied the petit a tear. But Giannis and I both have asked our wives, is it possible to just have a little petit a tear? And the answer is a resounding no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

It's a resounding no from both the wives, though. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, Giannis seems like he's. He's over even getting.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, dude. Giannis is 50 years old. He doesn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's pontificate.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not nut anymore.

[Chris Distefano]

100%, dude. He wants to hang out with Ethan Hawke. He just wants to talk about Ethan Hawke poems and movies all day.

[Bert Kreischer]

I Listen, I respect that. Ethan Hawke. I can't wait to see the new one. What is it called? Blue something.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yes. Yeah, I've seen ads for it. Yeah, he. He. Like Before Midnight, Before Sunrise, all those movies. Ethan Hawke, next level, insane fucking actor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, fuck. The Paul Schrader movie. What the fuck was that called? So good. He's the priest who like fucking. Anyway, great actor.

[Chris Distefano]

I saw it. Here's a funny thing. Well, not funny, just a random thing about Ethan Hawke is I one time was getting first reform. Oh, first or four? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking movie.

[Chris Distefano]

I was getting on a flight, on an American Airlines flight with Ethan, and Ethan Hawke was there and we were boarding and I sat like, I was sitting, like right across from him. And so, like, I would, you know, go to the bathroom, whatever, and like, just give him like little pounds. And I did it probably two or three times. Like, I was. I was. I was being an idiot. Yeah. And he was cool about it, though. He was like, yeah, what up? You know, like, whatever. He was very cool. And then he was probably like, I'm happy. Like, that guy was annoying. And I. Rightfully so. And then I stayed in LA for like a week and a half. And then on my flight from LA back to jfk, I was sitting in the same aisle as him and he said, I swear to God, dude. And I respect it for this. He took off his headphones. Seriously. And was like, hey, man, I just. Are you following me?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, I know how this looks.

[Chris Distefano]

And it was one of those things where I was like. So I was like, Mr. Hawk. I was like, I am not. I was like, this is random. I was like, I've been thinking all week. I know I bothered you a little bit. I apologize. And I remember that I believe it was the San Antonio Sports spurs when the NBA championship at that time. Yeah, it was like a few years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a long time.

[Chris Distefano]

Whenever. The last time they made the finals, it was then.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, dude, we're talking the Miami. When they. When they're against the Heat.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. When's the last time the spurs made. It was during that time. And I remember we were all watching the game on the way home, and I like, he. I think he was rooting for the Spurs. He might be from Texas, because he was definitely rooting for the Spurs.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Chris Distefano]

And. And I remember, like, I like, like, you know, was like, oh, like, score. And then he looked at me and gave me a pound.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

I was like, okay, so he's a cool guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's cool.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know that he would ever remember that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, Let me tell you something. No, he wouldn't. And if he did, it's because he's like, has your. He has your face. He has like a picture of a. And you're on a list of like, don't let these guys near the property.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, two things are probably true. He doesn't remember me. And it wasn't Ethan Hawkeye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just some guy with a beard. Yeah, some guy with a beard.

[Chris Distefano]

It was just some woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Now, what about you, dude? What's been going on with you? You got a lot of stuff going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, movie, which is cool. Begonia. Go see it. It's still in theaters. That's going out. That's out there. I basically have just. I am just trying. This is the story of my life. Just not to try and get a little less fat. That's what every day I found out that I'm on. So I'm on fat guy medicine. I'm on not Ozempic, Zep Bound.

[Chris Distefano]

What's the difference?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's just a different, you know, peptide type shit.

[Chris Distefano]

But it's a glp.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a GLP one. That's the main one. And. And I re. So I just went to a doctor who's not a doctor, he's a nurse practitioner that would just kind of.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, it's Dr. Drew.

[Bert Kreischer]

He would bait. Yeah, he basically. It's literally just a guy. You know what's funny? He dressed. What's funny about him is he kind of dresses like a doctor, and then you look at his card and there's no MD to be found anywhere. He's just a nurse practitioner, which is fine. Respect the nurse practice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you're looking at him, you're like, you know, he's. He's very smart. But I saw him on Kill Tony.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude, My dog. My dog. If my doctor's a bucket, pull. No, that's no good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So what was he saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he just was not. It turns out I was. And then I talked to a doctor who specializes in fat guy medicine, and I should have been going up in dose. I was eating through the. There's like a 2.5, a 5, 7.5, 10, all the way up to 15. I was at 5 for, like, four months. And you're supposed to go up in dose when it stops kind of being effective. So basically I would take the shot and it would work, like one day, and then I would just.

[Chris Distefano]

Pow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Point five is no match for for like, for me, when I really want to fucking. I was eating a lot of pizza. I was getting a lot of sushi.

[Chris Distefano]

Not cauliflower crust either.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crust. The good shit. Actually shout out to the. If we're talking about. Since we're talking about comedy club pizzas, the Greensboro Comedy Zone, where I did do. I did do a show. Shockingly good pizza.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was like. It kind of tastes like the best version of Chuck E. Cheese pizza.

[Chris Distefano]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever get nostalgic for that old kind of buttery crispy.

[Chris Distefano]

The other day. The other day I ate an Elios pizza. Yeah. Just heated one of those puppies up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, you're reminding. You're remembering your latchkey kid days in Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just fucking heating up in Elios. Sleeping, jacking off in your mom's bed after school. The old CHRISSY D Move.

[Chris Distefano]

100%. Yeah. You know, trying to join the army to defend this country from the 911 hijackers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just beating up an Indian guy because you thought he was from fucking Iraq.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Calling every person who's a shade darker than me Muhammad Atta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fist fighting Dominicans and then planting a Quran on them to make. To make it look like a hate.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And then going practicing my free throws.

[Bert Kreischer]

But.

[Chris Distefano]

So, yeah. So what happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

So anyway, I'm just. So now I'm on the new dose. I'm looking good. I'm not. It's. It actually works because it. Dude, there's. There's nothing more depressing than thinking like, oh, I'm going to beat this medicine. Right. I am going to fucking the miracle cure that the fattest fat people, the most classically a man whose name is Fat Joe got skinny off this medicine.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's like, I am going to lose to this. Like, I'm gonna beat it. There's nothing I can do.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna just be fat as shit. Like, there were some depressing days and I realized, like, oh, I just wasn't on the right dosage now. Now I'm pretty good.

[Chris Distefano]

Now you feel good and you're feeling good.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm feeling good. There were days where my brain hadn't matched. I was still fighting the 7.5. Like, I ate a pint of ice cream over like two and a half hour hours. Oh, yeah. Because it, like, hurt my stomach. But I was like, you're not gonna beat me. You. I'm stronger than you. Medicine.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I woke up the next day, diarrhea. I was like, why did I do that?

[Chris Distefano]

How do I start my Morning every day. Well, I started with the beautiful, gorgeous morning dump. Why? Because I'm drinking AG1, okay? That keeps me flowing. That keeps me healthy. AG1, my asshole is. My whole body just runs good. I feel clean on the inside. A lot of the men I've been hanging out with after hours have told me how that I don't even need to douche because AG1 is just keeping me clean. AG1 is the daily health drink that combines your multivitamin pre and probiotics, superfoods and antioxidants into one simple green scoop. It's one of the easiest things you can do to support your body. I wish Stavros wasn't on business calls right now because he's the one that really needs to hear this. So this time of year, more important than ever, to be proactive about supporting your immune health. I don't want you getting sick out there, baby. Come on. You want to be sick for the holidays. AG1's gonna help you out. Life can start to get really busy. So AG1, all they do is they help you stay consistent with the rest of your routine. Is thrown off the one scoop. That's what I do. I do it in a scoop of water. Sometimes I throw it in a scoop of yogurt and I have a good time. I use it. You should too. You're going to love it. Now, as always, they always give nice offers. That's what I like about them as a company. I like their product because it helps my body and it also helps my wallet.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Baby.

[Chris Distefano]

AG1 has the best offer ever going on right now. If you head to drinkag1.com bears, you'll get the welcome kit, a morning person hat, a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2, and an AG1 flavor sampler. And you're gonna get to try their new sleep supplement, agz, for free, which has been a game changer for my nightly routine. I've been having a little bit of trouble sleeping because I just bang out coffees too much. This has really helped me. So go to drinkag1.com bears for $126 in free gifts for new subscribers. I didn't say $125. I said $126. So if you're not going to drink ag1.com bears, you're just. You're being an asshole. Listen to me, okay? Do you run a small business? If you do and you're not using Shopify, I honestly have no idea what the hell you're even doing. Okay, Shopify Shopify. It is the point of sale system. It has a unified command center for all your retail business. Whatever you're shipping out, from T shirts to dildos, Shopify is the way to go, okay? It brings together in store and online operations across 1,000 locations. All right? I mean, truly, if you're not using Shopify, I just don't. I don't even know if we could be friends anymore. I really don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm a. I'm a Shopify little slut. I like it. And it's proven to help your business. It's 22% better. Total cost of ownership and benefits. That's equivalent to an 8.9% uplift. I'm getting an 8.9% uplift in my pants right now on sales of average relative to the market set surveyed. If you're not literally covered in jizz listening to this, I don't know what you're doing. You need to go to a doctor. So get all the big stuff for your small business. Right. With Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com bears. Go to shopify.com bears. That's shopify.com bears. Well, what is it. What does it necessarily do? It just makes you not hungry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It kind of regulates your. Yeah, exactly. In theory, people who are fat. And I. I really do believe this because I can just eat so, so much. And it's just like. You're just. Your chemistry is just wrong. Your internal is up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you don't regulate hunger the way normal.

[Chris Distefano]

Like you. Actually. That button that tells me I'm full doesn't happen for.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really doesn't.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I have to be in pain to stop eating, right? Yeah. Like, I have to be. I have to. And I've figured out. I mean, it's so up where I. There have been times where I, like, know how to trick my body. Like, I'll drink water.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll drink a bunch of water. Like, balloon up the stomach, and then I'll just fill it up real fast with meats before it has. It has time to realize it's not water, it's meat that's in there. And then as soon as my body realized I have the most horrific diet, like, one Thanksgiving, it was the. It was the pandemic. Right. And so me and my brothers used to do Korean barbecue Thanksgiving.

[Chris Distefano]

Nice. Very American of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's very. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly what Squanto wanted.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he would. Yeah, I think you would. Have liked that, you know?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And so. But usually you go to a restaurant. You can't overeat at a restaurant.

[Chris Distefano]

No, it's tough.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's the pandemic. Everything's closed. So we just go to a H Mart, load up on meats. And. And I just have a tin, like a big ass tin full of short rib. And I'm just eating it.

[Chris Distefano]

No kimchi. Nothing healthy kimchi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Little kimchi. Little rice, little soy. A little sesame oil and salt. A little bean. Bean paste.

[Chris Distefano]

Y. Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great. And dude, I just. I almost. It was like I was eating it on a schedule where it was like my timer would go off, so I would have just enough time for my body to think I stopped eating. And then I would eat some real quick. It was like when. When actresses talk. Like when Hill what's her face? Hillary Swank had to get to be million dollar baby. She like, wake up in the middle of the night to have, like, protein Shakespeare. I was every, like, hour waking up and just eating fucking short ribs. And I. I gave birth. Like, I. Shit. Like, literally. I don't know if I don't know how my ass is snapped back.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it was like a. It was like a grapefruit of just like Korean scented shit. Like, just hard and honestly smelled kind of good. I didn't have time to really digest. I was eating it so much.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That the fragrant herbs overpowered the shit. And it was like. I was kind of like, ooh, maybe.

[Chris Distefano]

I should eat this.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I walked into a restaurant and it smelled like that, I'd be like, hey, what's that? Can I have some, dude?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, Koreans have an enzyme in their body where their sweat doesn't smell. So maybe they're. You cannot get a Korean person's armpits to smell like B.O. it's not possible.

[Bert Kreischer]

You tried.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, exactly. I've captured a couple of them. Just put them in the sauna.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put them in the sauna. You're tickling their armpits with feathers.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm like, come on. And nothing. So maybe there's something in the food that is interesting. And by the way, let me tell you, I know. I worked with fat Joe in 2014. We did the show on MLB, called on MTV2, called Off the Bat that nobody watched. Basically, MLB was like, oh, we wanna make baseball available for, like, a younger audience. So they make it cool. Yeah. So they put it on Sundays at 11am I was like, the perfect time slot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's get Fat Joe. And the first guy from Guy code that replies. Yes. Yeah. And you happen to be looking at your email before Schultz, and the job was yours.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I beat him to it. And so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you beat John Gabriel Schultz, and you got to do it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And so. And so Fat Joe was like, you know, the other host. And Sway from Sway in the Morning was airing Melanie Iglesias, and it was a great show. But Fat Joe, he had lost all that weight back then in 2014, I remember. You know, this was years before Ozempic.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was he doing? Was he.

[Chris Distefano]

No. So I'm sitting with them, right? And we're in the green room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, look at that.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. You really looked way more like a fucking Brooklyn guido.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like a puffy fat face.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have that fat fucking goomba face there, dude. You look so much better now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I just. Dude, I was. You know what that was, dude? That was me, like, I was eating a lot, but that was drinking. That was. I still drink a little bit, but that was, like, serious, like, drink drinking beers, like, every day. Beers with fucking Pat Finnegan at o'. Neill's. You know what I mean? That was me. That was me in Maspeth, Queens, just throwing back brews.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Chris Distefano]

And so. But Fat Joe, we're sitting in the green room one day before the show, and I'm like, dude, like, you know. Cause I was feeling fat and puffy. I was like, what do you lose? How do you lose all this weight? He goes, yo, man, you know what? The secret is one thing, baby. All I had to do, I still eat the way I eat. But now every single day, I make sure I have a black cherry seltzer.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was it.

[Chris Distefano]

And I said what? He was like, black cherry seltzers, baby. That's the only thing that I change, man. And he goes, joey Crack, he goes, and I changed my whole life. Black cherry seltzer. And I was like, no way.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true.

[Chris Distefano]

No way, that's true. Yeah, so that. But that was his claim. I mean, black cherry sells. And the thing with Fat Joe, dude, he's such a funny guy. He would tell the best stories. Like, I remember one time, he's telling. Telling the story, and he had, like, the whole, like, room, like, riveted, right? Cause he was in front of a live audience. So he's telling us this amazing story once where he's like. He's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He's like, you know, it's like 1994 or whatever. Him and Big Pun, when Big Pun was still alive, the Tunnel, the famous club in New York City. Nightclub in New York City. It's closed now, but. But he was like, you know, we were going into the tunnel one night. He was like. And there were drug. There were gang members that were robbing rappers, chains or like, athletes chains going into the tunnel, right? So he said one day, me and Big Pun, now, they're hardcore dudes from the Bronx.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course.

[Chris Distefano]

So. So they walk into the tunnel, and the gang members are right there with guns at, like, right at their chest. So he's like, yo, run your chains. And him and Big Pun are like, you know, he's like, as much as we want to fight these mother, they got the guns in our chests. So, like, you know, what are we gonna. What are we gonna do? He goes, and it was like this moment that like, felt, you know, like an eternity, but was 5, 10 seconds or all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they hear, yo, who got a gun to my man? Who got a gun at my man? Now this is like 1994. 95. It's fucking Mike Tyson. So Mike Tyson, they said, walks into the tunnel. He has, like, four chains on, no shirt on. This is heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. And he looks at the gang bands, he goes, y' all gonna have to go through me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

And he said, the guys literally put the guns back just, like, in the belt box of their pants and walked out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry, Mr. Tyson.

[Chris Distefano]

Sorry, Mr. Tyson.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they don't arms.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, he was. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I even forget. Cause it was. He told me so long ago. I'm even forgetting, like, better parts of that story. But he. And we. The way he had us, like, in the palm of his hand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

And I was like, dude, you should come. You should come do stand up comedy with me. I was doing a show at Caroline's that weekend. I was like, you have, like, a natural gifter. You can rap and you can, you know, tell these stories. Like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And then he showed up and absolutely bombed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, you're an idiot.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm a dumb shit. I just needed extra ticket sales. It was 2014, so I put up on my Facebook, wall, fat Joe is coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have had the most hilarious, fakest. Every TV show you've been a part of feels fake. Fake.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And has had no impact, no cultural impact whatsoever.

[Chris Distefano]

Gets canceled immediately after one season or mid season.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, let's run through it. You had that. I didn't even know about that one.

[Chris Distefano]

MLB. I've also been a part of eight pilots, not one. So I'm 0 for 8 with my own show ideas. One of my pilots, I illegally put up on my YouTube, my CBS sitcom pilot. So you can go to Chris DiStefano CBS pilot on my Christy comedy YouTube and you'll see that you were hoping.

[Bert Kreischer]

For like a Internet groundswell, like, we gotta get this on. And just no one even watched it.

[Chris Distefano]

Nothing too. I got a cease and desist letter from CBS that I violated a major part of the contract. So that's what happened there and then. And I'd been a part of Guy Code and Girl Code on mtv and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mtv, arguably the most interesting.

[Chris Distefano]

Those are the most culturally impactful. However, they dropped mtv, dropped the ball on monetizing it on a tour. Like the Impractical. At that time, the Impractical Jokers and Guy Code and Girl Code were getting similar views, but the Impractical jokers, you know, obviously their show is iconic show, but they were able to captivate. They were able to generate into like a tour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that really what you want your life to be?

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

On a bus with the rest of Guy Code and Girl Code.

[Chris Distefano]

On a bus with. Yeah, with Andrew Schultz and Mer. No, I I Guy Code and Girl Code. At that time, you want to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

40 being like, if your girl's got a body count of nine, she's take that to the gutter. You know what I mean? You want to be a grown man, like, slut shaming teenagers.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, dude, even when I wasn't, even when I was like, in my late 20s, when I was doing Guy Code, I was still a physical therapist. I was a pediatric physical therapist working with, like, mentally and physically handicapped children. Like, that's what I did simultaneously while I was doing Guy Code and Girl Code before I could transition to a career in comedy. And the principal of the school, I remember comes, this is before the Internet. Like, they had seen it on tv. They come in and they're like, oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

It wasn't before the Internet, by the way.

[Chris Distefano]

What? Actually, you're right, it wasn't the Internet. But I'm saying it wasn't like, as rampant. It wasn't like social media before the Internet.

[Bert Kreischer]

He went to the library and looked up and got a VCR tape.

[Chris Distefano]

Somebody sent me a slide. And no, but my principal of the school was like, this is before I had kids or anything. She was like, you know, we understand that you're moonlighting as a comedian, and it's been brought to our attention that you were recently appeared on an episode of a show called guy code. And I said, yeah. I said, you know, it's this and that. And they're like, that's fine. They were like, but, you know, you do work with children here, and some of the parents of these children watch the show and you just put on an episode with you're the feature of. And then the name of it is geico. To hiding your boner. I swear to God. To hiding your boner. And it was like a whole. We did 20 minutes on that and they were like, we just don't think that's not appropriate as you're working with children because they are seeing it. And now, you know, the parents have said they're trying to do some of the tips that you've said. And it's borderline.

[Bert Kreischer]

Children are trying to hide their boners. Guy code.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

By following guy code.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't want to be in violation of international guy code. So let's open that. This is a rich vein of discussion. What are. What is the. Where did you land on the guy code?

[Chris Distefano]

Hiding your boner. So I said the guy code. Dieting your boner. Depends what. What part of your life you're in. I said, if you're in school, it's very easy. You just wear your book bag in the front. Oh, that's all you did when archbishop of Malloy high school, all boy Catholic high school shouted out, interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

That where you were getting boners.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were getting boners at archbishop Malloy. Not a woman in sight zero.

[Chris Distefano]

It was just, you know, guys in khakis. And so I remember if you had your book bag on in the front and you were walking through the hallway changing classes, the whole school would just go boner. Even the teachers would get involved. Like, yeah, dude, Patty, we know you got a boner. And so that. And then the obvious classic move is hide it in your waistband. Waistband is the way to go. And then I forgot there was other ways, like I would do patterned pants and things like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the main thing, an optical illusion to hide your.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Exactly. If you want to get scientific with it. So it depends how much swirl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the hypnosis pants.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Or like one of those, like, lollipops and then just come lick it. And so I remember that my principal goes, you know, and you have to kind of choose right now because this is inappropriate. And I remember, like, I had this moment where I was like, you know what my mom. I said, I had my mom on one shoulder saying, you have a doctorate degree in physical therapy. You have health insurance. You're making money. Okay, not great money, but you're making money. You need to stay in this job. And then I had my dad on the other side being like, yo, go live your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yo, nobody can hide that boner, baby. You go live your life. Quit it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Quit that show. Quit that. Quit that job and go do comedy. Even though I had no path at the time to comedy. And I just, as always, chose my dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

You listened to your dad?

[Chris Distefano]

I listen to my.

[Bert Kreischer]

The man who made you hide out in Amish country as a child.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

The man whose life decisions.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Made. You wanted in Ridgewood, Queens.

[Chris Distefano]

The man. The man who caused me and my mom to get very familiar with the Amtrak schedule out of Penn Station in 1989. So. And that's what I remember. I chose that. And, dude, for, like, the first week, I had, like. I remember I had, like, $240 in my bank account. And I remember, like, I had quit, right? And my dad was like, you can stay with me. Like, live in my basement. Don't tell your mother that you quit. And I didn't. And then. And then. Yeah. And I remember that they. For, like, a week, maybe two weeks. Like, no money. Like, what am I gonna do here? I was trying to get any gig I could, and then MTV came and gave me, like, an overall deal, which basically, like, was my physical therapy salary, maybe even more to, like, do comedy. But then I work then. I was an mtv. I belonged to mtv. So that's when Carson Daly got to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck your ass whenever he wanted to 100%. That's how I warmed up for TRL. Yeah, you had to fluff him.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, dude. And then they started putting me on every MTV show. Cause they were just paying for me. And I was on some shows that you've never heard of, like, Little Duvall's Making it in America. You know, I was doing this show and that show. I mean, I was just bomb after bomb.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, a bunch. And then you had a weird home improvement show for a while.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I had a weird home improvement show, Backyard Bar wars, which was a great show. And then I was on, what was it true TV during the pandemic. Yep. And then I did that, and I just, you know, they wanted to do season two, and I just didn't show up. I was like, I just don't want to go. I don't want to go. Leave my family again. And so that was a problem. And then it was on a show on IFC called Benders that was a hockey show that actually Schulz was on me and Schulz did that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a fun show. That was early.

[Chris Distefano]

That was a fun show.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was an actual attempt at art instead of like MTV schlock bullshit. Yes. You at least tried to be in a sitcom.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I tried to do that. And so that got one season eight episodes. And I had another show on Comedy Central called Stupid Questions that was like a. You know, it was like an early days podcast. That's basically what it was. And then I have shows that I remember this. Yeah. That I forgot about. Like, I don't. I. I've been a part of so many things in the TV side that never have seen the light of day or have actually been on. Then I host. I hosted a show on vi. I forgot about this. It was called the Super Maximum Retro show. And I hosted that two years ago. And that the highest views that one got was 10,000 views. So. Yeah, I swear to God, dude. Yeah. 10,000 views. Burton Tom got more views than me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So that one I bombed. And now I have another sitcom in development, so we'll see what happens.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you do? You are getting ran through by these guys. You know, these executives are just tagging your ass left and right.

[Chris Distefano]

They love it, dude. Because they know that I'm just a good little network company boy. But you know what the difference is now? What I am thankful for, like, with the Internet is like, now I really can and will just say no if I don't like the idea. Cause I'm like, I have. Have what I want. I have, you know, I have the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll definitely.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just no one's asking right now. So you're pretending you're taking a principled stance when it's like, hey, we. We want to do. The Discovery Network wants to do Shave My Dog's Ball Wars. Who can shave their dog's balls closer? And who can get it closer to the skin?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I'll go to my host. Yeah. I'm like, jaz, I gotta get out there. We need the new roof. You know, like, you want a new tits. I gotta just. This is what we gotta do, babe. I love you. I love my. Yeah, yeah. I just. I'm just. Whatever Jimmy Kimmel wants me to do, I'm doing. Yeah, well, that one was actually. That was a good TV appearance I had when I hosted his show, I guess. Hosted a show that. Oh, we haven't seen you since then. I don't think really I don't. I don't know, actually. But I did guess. Did we?

[Bert Kreischer]

We did.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm an asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we definitely talk about it. I think you told one of these stories already, but that's fine, dude. Like I said, we are here to do a bad job. We didn't do a bad enough job last time. And we've learned our lesson. Yes, we have another lesson. And we are not gonna say anything funny for the next 20 minutes until the show is over.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, that's what's happened to me now, this deep into my comedy career is I've realized I've made up enough stories about my father that I have nothing left to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

All the ones that I've lied about. Now I just have to kind of what I'm doing now is just going back for specials and saying, I'll tell those stories. Cause there's probably new fans. Half these people are dead. They gave up on me. So now let's do the biggest. I did that last night at the Houston Punchline. I just was running out of steam. And my new stuff, I was happy with my new stuff, but I was like, okay, now I don't want to. And I said, you know what? Don't do anything from the last special. I went back to my Comedy Central half hour and started doing that closer. And that felt good. I was like, I got a different spin on it. And then I started to justify it to the other comics in the green room. I was like, hey, you know what, man? It's bullshit that we can't do our old stuff. Let's do it. This is what the fans want. And it was just because I've been lazy writing.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're like, yeah, they all work for you. Like, yeah, Chris.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you're making a really good point. Yeah, yeah. You're not lazy. You haven't taken it for granted. You're just putting an artistic spin on it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. I was like, you know, you have saying things like Marcus Aurelius said. I'm like, you never step in the same river twice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And you were seeing these jokes downstream.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you? Have you? What's your new thing? You always have a new thing. You're obsessed with what's going on.

[Chris Distefano]

Finance. Yes, finance. Now I'm a big guy. No, not crypto. Now I'm going back old school. Now I'm all about financial advisors and the 1% fees and getting away from them and doing it yourself and really working on that simultaneously. That and the Revolutionary War. Oh, interesting. Watching Ken Burns. Revolutionary War. Just going deep diving about what this country really means. Really? Yeah. And the Native Americans and learning that. But mainly over the last week and a half, week and a half, it's been mostly financed to the point where Jasmine actually said, hey, Chris, like I noticed you've been really like going crazy, like with the finance stuff. She's like, why don't we just set a time once every two weeks. Maybe you and I can like go into the backyard or something and just talk about the finances. Because you're getting like a little obsessed. Like, she was like, you know, my daughter Violet is 4. She's like, you know, you were talking to Violet about bonds and she doesn't know, like, what that means. And it's just like, I don't think you understand. And I was like, well, I just want her to be absorbing it now and understand what a treasury bond is. She was like, I get that. But she just wants to watch Ms. Rachel. And we just got a puppy. Oh, we got a puppy. That's the new thing. That's the new thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Puppy's good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I said, what is what? How can I make my life? How can I put the treadmill to the highest incline? And I said, let's get a six week old Siberian husky puppy.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Husky.

[Chris Distefano]

A husky. Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stupid.

[Chris Distefano]

Stupid. The most energetic dog that sheds.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're like too. They're like mean.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. That needs to be walked all the time. It's not going to be hot. As hot as fuck. Shedding. It's around a Puerto Rican family. Who needs, who needs it? You know who's always like, the jasmine is like constantly, constantly, constantly freezing when it's like 90 degrees. So now it's like, you have this dog that it needs to be 20 degrees at all times. So I've messed up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why did you do. Why'd you pick Siberian husky?

[Chris Distefano]

In fairness. In fairness, we were getting worn down by our daughters to get a dog when I didn't want to get one. I didn't want to. I was resisting. And I was like, you know what? I want these kids to be happy. So I said to Jaz, let's get.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, we're not gonna stay in a house for four months. We will get a dog. It'll make it even more annoying to move in the future.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And now we're not be able to do anything. And I said to myself, I kept saying to her, if we're gonna get a dog, then we're gonna go with the best breed. We're gonna Go with the master, the one who knows what to do. And that's Adolf Hitler's Dobermans. So I said, dobermans are. That is the dog. They don't shave. They are guard dogs. But they also are good with families. This is the breed to get. And then she has a friend who got a litter of Siberian Husky puppies and sent Jasmine a photo of them. And then Jasmine said, I'm in love now with that one. And next thing you know, this dog is on a plane from la.

[Bert Kreischer]

La. Flew the dog.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden, my credit card. I thought somebody stole my info in Philly two weeks ago, because I'm seeing these pet nannies that I'm getting all these hits, and they're on American Airlines. I said, what the hell's going on, Jazz? Like, oh, yeah, I'm flying the dog in. I was like, what the hell? And then we didn't really look into it, but now we have this dog. Now the whole family's attached to this dog. And we see that it sheds. It needs to be walked four to five miles a day. It's not good with families. And the main reason why I said, you know what, if we can get a dog, it has to be this way. When I'm on the road, at least we have, you know, an extra layer of. Of security, whatever, for my family, you know? And now we come to find out these dogs are called alert dogs, and they're negotiators. So they are not gonna. They will alert you that someone is breaking into the house, but they will do nothing to stop it. No evading. And as a matter of fact, they will make a decision when the burglar comes in, and they might actually leave with them. Cause they negotiate what's better for me. So I got the. One of the biggest piece of shit dogs you could possibly leave me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did that. That is the worst kind of dog possible.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Unless you're fucking riding the Iditarod trail or whatever.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, there was. And as a proud 1776 red, white, and blue American, I got an enemy Russian dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's a Russian dog.

[Chris Distefano]

Siberia.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're right. The Siberian whiskey. Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So now I really just absolutely messed up. But. And I actually said to. Cause she. You know, the dog is shitting and pissing all over the house. It's seven weeks old. So it literally is a seven week old puppy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so fucking stupid.

[Chris Distefano]

So dumb.

[Bert Kreischer]

You love ruining your life.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really love it.

[Chris Distefano]

So I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it. But I did say, because my daughter's now, especially my older one, she's been like, you know, I want this dog. I want this dog. And now we're like, you know, you have to kind of responsibility for it. And so, so far, she's been pretty good. But if she goes a few days with zero responsibility, I'm gonna take that as an opportunity to say, we mean what we say. You weren't responsible for these last two days, so now we're giving the dog away.

[Bert Kreischer]

No second chance. That's it. And you just fucking shoot it in the back of the head. Yeller.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Boom.

[Bert Kreischer]

A healthy puppy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. But I will say that so far, I was very not. And I'm not anti animals. I like animals. But I was like, I got kids. I don't want to deal with the dog. But even though it's a nuisance, shitting and pissing everywhere, I actually am very connected to the dog. There's something in a human. Like, we're connected to them in a way that I don't think science. Science or maybe science can explain. I just haven't gotten to that phase of being obsessed with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Right now I'm just busy about the Iroquois.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. Of course. Yeah. I don't know. I, I. Dogs are awesome, but I just. It's too much work for me. And. Yeah. I mean, someday I've talked about it. I really want a fat bulldog.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just want. Because I like. Like in 101 Dalmatians, where, you know, they have all the owners look exactly like their dogs.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want that fat bulldog with a little fucking.

[Chris Distefano]

I had a Dalmatian, too, when I was a kid for three months in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn. And this is actually when my dad started. This is the very first time I ever heard my father ask my mother if he thought I was gay, because my mother let me name the dog the Dalmatian. And, like, if you had a Dalmatian.

[Bert Kreischer]

RuPaul.

[Chris Distefano]

I named it Cruella.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cruella.

[Chris Distefano]

Which is like, you know, like a gay kind of thing to do.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like Cruella is a gay icon.

[Chris Distefano]

Gay icon. Exactly. Glenn Close. Cruella. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my stone young Cruella.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep. And I heard my dad say, like, oh, who named Cruella? And she was like, oh, your son. Like, you know, because my parents were divorced, my dad would come get me on the weekends, and he was like. He named a Cruella? And then I said, yeah. And then. And then I heard he didn't know that I had a small apartment, and he was like, lynn, you think he's gay? And she was like, tony, stop it. He's 11.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cruella.

[Chris Distefano]

And then she was like, yes, I do. I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Well.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, no, I just remember thinking, oh, it's a Dalmatian. Like, I could have, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. It's like, stupid.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. I named it after the thing that was trying to kill it in the movie. Yeah, it's like, Cruella was that hated the Dalmatians. That's the whole point of the movie.

[Chris Distefano]

And then in three months, my mom was like, I can't take this anymore. It was like, you know, because she. We also, you know, I was in school.

[Bert Kreischer]

My mom was another bad for an.

[Chris Distefano]

Apartment in the city. And they're hyper and they need to be walked all the time, and that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why they're good for firehouses.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. We weren't. We weren't doing that. So the only saving grace I thought is like, oh, I have a yard where I live now. I'm like, I. And let the dog out in the yard. But then the vet said, actually, you can't. You can. But Siberian huskies needs to need to be walking on a trail. They are bred to go 30 miles in the frozen tundra. So you need to walk. If it goes in the yard, that'll work for, like, a couple of days. But then once it's explored all that, it's. That's not enough. You have to have it going different directions at all times.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's hilarious.

[Chris Distefano]

So I do feel a little, like, daunted because you realize, like, oh, now you know, Know if I want to just pick up with my family and, like, go somewhere, you can't do that. Now it's like, who's gonna watch the dog? All that. But I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fine, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, whatever, dude. My toy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if anything, you could just stay on the road. That's your wife's problem, you know?

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Yeah. I left here, I came here, and, like, my wife's got the dog, the kids, and my dad and stepmom are staying there. So she's just dealing with all that while I'm here with you, just eating muffins, no care in the world, just getting paid to make fun of Burton.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom. Of course. Of course. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is fucking hilarious. Yeah, that's. I mean, you really picked the shittiest fucking dog you possibly could.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So it's got beautiful blue eyes, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is, yeah. They are cute. I mean, my brother Had a half, half something like half husky and she was great, but she's still to this day so fucking energetic. And they literally, they had a kid and they were just like, they just gave it to my mom. So now my mom just has a dog that she never, never wants.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And her literally an old. That the dog almost my grandma like is. Hangs out with the dog and we're talking about maybe the least mobile person on her. We're Talking about a 94 year old, half senile Greek woman and the dog just keeps fucking her up, like licking her too much. But they're friends, man. It's a fun little duo.

[Chris Distefano]

But it is interesting because an old school Greek woman would. She will stab that, right? Absolutely. The thing is with old school Greek women, it's like they've slaughtered lambs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And that's just like a Sunday.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. My grandma, one of them, her first memories is like having a piglet as her pet and just like the classic. She loved it. I think it. The pig's name was Boncho. She loved Buncho and then they just had him for dinner one day. She got attached and it was like, that's how the world works.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're eating Buncho.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, well, I mean, I get it, I get it. You know what's interesting too about, about this, this time doing the winter bears is last time we had so many topics that Benson Spoon had prepared. We had videos from Tom and Bert. Now none of that has been provided. They actually weren't even here when we got to the studio. They were like, we forgot Elvis is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doing the boards back there.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. Benson Spoon is like, you know. Yeah, nobody cares. I mean, they had to call in Nadav.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. They called him in from television. It was hard. It was hard to get out. It was hard to get a visa out.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was working drones, he was dropping bombs on hospitals.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Nadav left here, he'd rather work for Hamas than the YMH network.

[Bert Kreischer]

Social media for Hamas. Honestly, if he's doing social media for Hamas, he's doing a great job.

[Chris Distefano]

Doing a great. I mean the edits, some of the things they put out there on YouTube, really great quality, good stuff. Which, by the way, that whole piece I just read on the way, I mean, this is probably coming out a month from now. But I just read that whole peace deal fell ap.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I mean, it's a complete lie. You want to talk about how we ruin their sponsor, their advertiser sponsors? It's me Talking about my views on the conflict in the Middle East. Yeah, I mean, truly though, it's like those peace deals are such fucking bullshit and they immediate Israel immediately started fucking bombing people. And also, it's so funny that. What's funny now is that you thought everyone joked that it's like, oh, I guess the world is run by, oh, these rich secret. And someone's got tapes of them having sex with children. And then it's like, wait, that's literally how the world works. Like Israel fully has videos of Donald Trump getting off by a child 100% every time. Whatever the fuck is going on. Whoever was on Epstein's island, they got that in hd, I promise you. They got better angles than they have here. They have fucking Bill Clinton. Clinton double teaming a. Double teaming a like 14 year old gymnast with like Bill Gates. They got that in. They got that in 4K, I promise you that.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, lovely. And yeah, and Nadav is there cutting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Up the clips and I was like, what's the best part of this? Yeah, let's get the. The funniest riffs.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like. He's like, Mr. Clinton, do you want me to zoom in and out on the subtitles? What are we thinking here? Do you want subtitles sometime? I don't know if that's great for the algorithm anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they have the dark web TikTok, which is the best highlights of them having.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, yeah, dude, I. I mean, it's. That is. That is a funny bit that we could do is like anytime we're really picking up steam, we just talk about Mumdani.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Just watch the fans just shout out to him, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, it seems like Trump and mom Donnie had a good conversation.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the funniest thing Trump is. He's so fun, funny, dude. All you have to do is be like, smile if you have the juice and you smile at him and give him a handshake. Yeah, like he's smitten with him. Yeah, he like, do you see that picture him smiling at him? It was fucking. It was literally cute.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like you're always like your grandpa who likes you. It's like when you bring your. Your socialist boyfriend to Thanksgiving and your racist grandfather actually ends up loving him because he's just a charming guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so fucking funny, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, so. But that is good. I mean, as long as they said I liked when they had the little inter. And Trump, they were gonna say one of the reporters said something to Mamdani like, are you. Do you still think he's a fascist? And Trump was like, you don't have to answer that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know, he said, you can say yes. It'll take too long to explain. It's like, we got it between us. Don't worry about. Don't worry about them, baby. And even said, like, I think he'll do a good job. It's so sometimes, I mean, Trump really is like, he just. Whoever's got the juice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you flatter him and, you know, just shake his hand and.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're. If you just stand up to him. I think he respects that.

[Chris Distefano]

He does.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he also. He knows who's got. He knows who's, like, doing well.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's sort of like, he. He knows, like, he. He, like, if you were a loser and you fucking treated him the same way Mom Donnie did, he wouldn't give a fuck.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, he would. He would demote you. But he sees, like, his sons, dude. Imagine how Don Jr. Sees this.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, you're. He's probably. He's never smiled at his sons the way he smiled at Mom Donnie.

[Chris Distefano]

He's so mad. Yeah. It's like in Austin, PE Hours, Gold member, like, Scotty. Scotty. And, like, he's just connecting with Mini Me. And Scotty's like, fuck you down, Mini Me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. Well, dude. Well, that's why, you know, like, obviously Zoran Mamdani, you know, first Muslim mayor of New York. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the. The flags. The Italian flags in Ridgewood are flying at half mast right now.

[Chris Distefano]

And listen, dude, all I. For me, I'm about preparation. And I said, you know, we have an incoming first Muslim mayor of New York. That's why I went to Saudi Arabia, because I said, let me see.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's.

[Chris Distefano]

It was a preparation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. You got your prayer rugs.

[Chris Distefano]

Got my prayer rugs. I understood what it is. What, you know, and so, yeah, so I'm confident now moving forward.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did love that where people were like, literally just. He was like, 9. 11 happened, and we're gonna let a Muslim be mayor? People were saying that, like, it was a real point. It was like terrorists who happen to have the same faith 20, whatever years ago, it's like, they were like. They couldn't understand why. Why people didn't have a problem with it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were like, yeah, we're just. We're racist. Yeah, we can't have a Muslim.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude. It was so funny. Like, my group chat, you know, obviously, it was, like, anti momdani, of course. So it was funny. Like, all the guys in the group chat being like, we were defending our city. We're getting out to the voting booth. Nobody voted for mayor. You know what? Even though Cuomo's gay, we're gonna vote for Cuomo. And then, like, that more, you know, I don't live in the city anymore, so I, like, texted them at, like, 2:00'.

[Bert Kreischer]

Clock.

[Chris Distefano]

I was like, what'd you guys do? How was the lines? Long or whatever. And everyone's like, dude, I got hungover. I didn't go. Then, you know, Patty was like, I forgot I had to do a golf outing in Jersey. Like, nobody voted.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now just everyone's mad because Cuomo is, like, a fucking. I mean, it was so funny. That guy is such a fucking loser. Just, like, sexually harassing people and just being like. And losing and then being like, let me do it again. Yeah, I want to try it again. I deserve to.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, it's one of those things, too. Now, like, his political career in New York is over because, like, to his. You know, to the base that he could get, like, the old school, like, white guys that would vote for him, all his opponent ever has to say to Cuomo, it's like, didn't you lose to a Muslim? And then people like, yep, he did. I vote for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I also grabbed my secretary's breast. Yeah, come on.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's one for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

He cancels out Italy. I'm just like, you voting block?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Oh, my God, dude. Well, what are you gonna do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, you know, I'm. I'm ecstatic. You know me. You know, I'm. Mister, you're ready to go? Do you got social services?

[Chris Distefano]

You got a burka lined up? Ready?

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, I'm. I'm ready to. I'm ready to have, like, you know.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, dude, a Middle Eastern diet will help with your weight loss. So you can just eat what, Mom, Dani eats kebabs. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll get some kebabs going.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, just go over to his house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever they're doing to Islam now, you know?

[Chris Distefano]

Absolutely.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a beautiful religion. I love the chanting. You go to a halal cart, and it's just like. It's awesome, dude. I love it. I mean, Franciscan chants are pretty good, too.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gregorian chance, but I just. There's something about the.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just hitting. Just feels, you know?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, dude, when I went to Saudi Arabia, the dates, they all had dates and little Arabic tea. I love it. I brought it home I started, you know, telling. I told my jazz, go with the dates. Yeah, yeah, go with the dates.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are fucking good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And I said, cover up a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I've learned something. From the emir. Yes, from the beloved emir.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. As Yanis. And I said, well, Yanis says it on the pod. He's like, you know, Islam, they have some interesting amenities when it comes to having a wife. Don't talk back, don't. You can show your eyes. And that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it appeals to too, because they also just. They just have sex with men on the side.

[Chris Distefano]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just have, like. It's like brotherhood. Like, they hold hands and kiss.

[Chris Distefano]

TT Jerry, Jasmine's, you know, uncle, you know, who did 20 years in prison and all that, he used to tell us that most of the guys he'd blow in prison were the guys who led the Muslim gangs. And then he said, what? What? One Muslim? This is interesting. They would play the game there. This Muslim guy was like. Kept threatening to, like, kill Jerry. Whatever. Whatever. Prison beef.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Chris Distefano]

And then. And then he had. He was also blowing a prison security guard and, like, sucking him off. Right. So he said to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty sick to be in jail if you're gay as hell.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you like sucking guys off, if that's your thing. Yeah. Why would you even leave?

[Chris Distefano]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why wouldn't you have a great time?

[Chris Distefano]

So he was sucking off a prison guard and he said to the prison guard, like, look, dude, I'll continuously giving you blowjobs, but I'm gonna blow this Muslim guy who's threatening to kill me. Can you secretly film it?

[Bert Kreischer]

So why they pulled an Epstein Island?

[Chris Distefano]

Because the Muslim gu. It can't be out that they're gay like that. So when this guy threatened to kill him, Jerry was like, oh, yeah, well, how about I just post that? Or how about I just show everyone that? And then no more beef.

[Bert Kreischer]

We put it on the cctv. Wow. Sucked his way out of a.

[Chris Distefano]

Sucked his way out. Which is what. He's taught me a thing or two.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chris, just in case you ever go to jail. Well, I also wanted to say. I forgot to bring this up, but it is. It's the end of the year, which means 2026 is coming. Which is. Which means people are going to need a new calendar for the year. Oh, yes, and we have the official Stavi Baby 2026 calendar. We have it all here, folks.

[Chris Distefano]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jack off youary. Get Head Brewery. Let's skip ahead to Gaypril. Oh, I know you like this one, Chris.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I just want to. I want to let everybody know we've gone on here. We talked about Chris's husky and gay sex.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we also just want to. We also want to. Want to plug our own stuff.

[Chris Distefano]

And also I want to say, go get that Stavi calendar, because I believe, I have full faith in my friend that 2026 is going to be the last year that he's. It's. It's a heavy. It's a fat boy calendar. 2027, it's going to look Stavi with AIDS. It will.

[Bert Kreischer]

I promise that will not happen. 2027, it will still be fat. Maybe by 2029, I'll be in a large.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. One of these. You're going to take it too far, and you're going to start looking like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that would be. My head is gigantic. I would look like a fucking Pez dispenser. It is funny how so many fat people just happen to have humongous heads.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When they lose weight, they look fucking dumb as hell.

[Chris Distefano]

Like. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz remember Al Sharpton? We lost weight. He was skinny as fuck.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's kind of normalized now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he was little. He had that mirror selfie.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where his head looked huge and he looked like it was like a little boy's body.

[Chris Distefano]

Because maybe it's like you just really, like. It's not. You don't mean to be fat. You're just feeding your head. You know what I mean? Like, you just. Head just needs a little extra energy, but it just goes dispersed to your body.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

That's possible science.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's an interesting, interesting theory that we will continue to develop and look into. We're going to take a break. And by break, I mean we're going to end the episode.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when you see us next week, we will have researched this and we will. We will pick up right where we left off with the fat head theory.

[Chris Distefano]

100%. Go get those calendars and then listen to history. Hyenas. We got that. And go to ChrisDComedy.com. i got one date so far in January, and it's in West Virginia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ooh, I'm going to West Virginia, too.

[Chris Distefano]

You doing the casino down there?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I'm somewhere in Morgantown.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, no, I'm in. I'm in. Like, something falls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. Not even the A market in West Virginia.

[Chris Distefano]

No. I'm in a casino in West Virginia. So. So if you can do what you can and please please support HelloFresh in this podcast. Of course I'd like spring bears might be a necessity for me, that is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you come back. It's. It's. It's you. And let's see, what fat guy are they going to get instead of me?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You and Sagolo are doing.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Then he doesn't want to do it. Then it's me and Zach Amico. Then. Then they're weighing Bobby Kelly. They're like, if you were a little fatter man, but you've lost too much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Weight now, that would be the great irony. Bobby. Bobby just gets too skinny. The last. Instead of making a bunch of money podcasting.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The moment when he needed to be fat, he was skinny.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be a. That actually would be like the Greek tragedy of Bobby's life.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The second it was. I mean, because it's so funny. He also is the. He literally is the last guy to not use Oz. Like as soon as Ozem became. He had already, like, he'd already done the work. Surgery or whatever.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's like, that's so funny to be the last guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And it's funny too, having a. Having a relationship with Bobby Kellers. You know, we've both known him for so long. Like, I can just. I was just at the Comedy Cellar and he walked right past me and didn't say hello. So now this is like the fifth iteration of finding out what Bobby Kelly is mad at you for. And you have no idea what you did, but you just. Eventually you'll get a text and he'll blow up on you and then you say, bob, I'm sorry, and then your friends again for another two years. But the way he walked past is okay. So now there's a new thing that he's mad at.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you think? What did you do?

[Chris Distefano]

I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know. But I will find out and then hopefully I'll find out by next episode and I'll read the text on the show and then get him mad at me again.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, thanks, guys. That is episode one of the Winter Bears. We are here with you for four weeks, I believe.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what so far.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And you know, we'll have some holiday stuff. Let us know, Let us know topics you want us to cover in future episodes. We won't be able to do it, of course.

[Chris Distefano]

And we won't listen.

[Bert Kreischer]

These are pre recorded in an even more hilarious fashion than the last ones were.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But just we'll pretend we listen to you. Yeah, well, in fact, let's make up. Let's make up questions for the people asked. Next episode.

[Chris Distefano]

Perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks, guys. We love you. We'll see you next week. Bye.

[Chris Distefano]

Bert and Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom and Bert.

[Chris Distefano]

One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'Ll keep it clean.

[Chris Distefano]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.