The Summer Bears Takeover! w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Summer Bears Takeover! w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris DiStefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Release Date: July 21, 2025

In this special summer edition of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, hosted by comedy duo Tom Segura and Chris DiStefano, listeners are treated to a series of candid and humorous conversations covering a range of topics from personal health struggles to the dynamics of modern relationships. Joined by guest Stavros Halkias, the episode delves deep into the hosts' lives, offering a blend of insightful anecdotes and sharp humor.

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1. Introduction and New Hosts

The episode kicks off with a playful twist as Tom Segura and Chris DiStefano introduce themselves as substitute teachers taking over the beloved Two Bears, One Cave podcast.

• Notable Quote:
  • [00:05] Tom Segura: "Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two Bears One Cave Summer Edition, you fucking pussies. That's right. Me and Chrissy D. Are here. We're your substitute teachers."

2. Health and Lifestyle Challenges

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around the hosts' personal health challenges. Chris DiStefano openly discusses his elevated cholesterol levels and blood pressure, highlighting the struggles of maintaining a healthy lifestyle amidst a hectic career.

• Notable Quote:
  • [02:11] Chris DiStefano: "I have like 300 cholesterol, blood pressure through the roof."

Tom Segura adds humorously to the discussion, downplaying his own health issues while poking fun at Chris's predicament.

• Notable Quote:
  • [02:37] Tom Segura: "The anti. Burt, you look healthy, but your body is in shambles."

3. Personal Lives and Relationships

The hosts transition into discussions about their personal relationships and life changes. Chris shares his journey towards engagement after years of hesitation, attributing his decision to a moment of radical acceptance inspired by current events.

• Notable Quote:
  • [65:26] Chris DiStefano: "Everything is fine. Just like this is like the life that. Cause I sometimes I think we all think as people, some of us think as people, like, oh, when X happens, I'll be happy."

Tom offers a humorous take on engagement and family dynamics, reflecting on the challenges of balancing personal life with professional responsibilities.

• Notable Quote:
  • [69:39] Tom Segura: "He hasn't made progress in a decade."

4. Cultural and Ethnic Humor

Throughout the episode, Tom and Chris engage in comedic discussions about ethnicity and cultural stereotypes. They navigate topics like Greek traditions, racial dynamics, and even touch upon historical events with a lighthearted approach.

• Notable Quote:
  • [07:06] Tom Segura: "He's Billy Zane. And I'm fucking Leonardo DiCaprio. Greeks."

5. Touring Anecdotes and Everyday Life

Tom shares amusing and relatable stories from his tour experiences, including the logistical challenges of traveling such as dealing with health issues on the road and the comical side of life while on tour buses.

• Notable Quote:
  • [34:25] Tom Segura: "And that tour is so the, the. The Fully Loaded tour is insane, right? It's like just having a fucking party on 14 buses, which is the coolest shit. A bus is the fucking best, dude."

6. Engagement and Family Moments

Towards the end of the episode, Chris recounts the heartfelt yet chaotic moment of proposing to his fiancée amidst the hustle of family life. The story captures the blend of humor and sincerity that characterizes their conversations.

• Notable Quote:
  • [67:35] Tom Segura: "You're talking about half the country is Nazis, you're like, I'm German now."

7. Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the importance of embracing one's life journey and the value of radical acceptance. They encourage listeners to find joy in their present circumstances while humorously contemplating the inevitabilities of aging and life's challenges.

• Notable Quote:
  • [63:14] Tom Segura: "Just set your route like you do need to. Actually, radicals might be good for you because it's like, your life's pretty good."

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Conclusion

The Summer Bears Takeover! offers listeners a raw and entertaining glimpse into the lives of Tom Segura and Chris DiStefano. Through a mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions, the episode underscores the importance of friendship, self-acceptance, and finding laughter amidst life's hurdles. Whether tackling health issues or navigating complex relationships, the hosts deliver a relatable and engaging narrative that resonates with a broad audience.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two Bears One Cave Summer Edition, you fucking pussies. That's right. Me and Chrissy D. Are here. We're your substitute teachers.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

All right, let's roll out. Let's roll out. Finding Nemo in French class.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

We don't give a fuck. You're not learning shit for six weeks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. And a lot of you guys have thought. We just actually got news. We just got a text from Josh Zolo, who looks like Benson.

[Tom Segura]

We just got. We just got Benson Spoon.

[Chris DiStefano]

Benson Spoon.

[Tom Segura]

If he hit the fucking frozen yogurts a little bit, you're not even fat Josh. But Benson Boone is an acrobat. He's a shredded Mormon. But you do have a couple jowls compared to him. Let's build up the side by side. We'll put that up in post.

[Chris DiStefano]

Benson Boone.

[Tom Segura]

Benson Spoon. Benson Spoon.

[Chris DiStefano]

So we got, you know, a lot of you guys have always thought that it was going to be Bert Kreischer who died at any moment, but we just got news. Tom Segura actually died. Wow. Yeah. He's dead, dude.

[Tom Segura]

He was doing a ritual for Molo. Was?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he was doing. He was doing a. Your mom's house live. And it got too crazy and somebody just. Right in his eyelids and. And he's died of sex.

[Tom Segura]

All the mentally disabled sex criminals they have to make propping up that show rebelled in calm to death.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, my God. Listen, guys, we're excited to do this, but we know what, you know, we. We read the comments, too. We're not going to save the show.

[Tom Segura]

No, the show's absolutely. This is like when a marriage is failing so you adopt two fun children. You know what I mean? This is like. This is like the Poochie episode of the Simpsons.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Where they have the cool dogs and skateboards.

[Chris DiStefano]

Savvy and I are like the two cool Vietnamese kids that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted a month before they got divorced.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we saw how that ended up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Tom and Tom and Bert are going to choke us on an airplane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't wait. Oh, my God. So, I mean. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What do you think? I think we should first figure out who is Tom and who is Bert. I think because my addictions will ultimately kill me. I'm burnt. And because you're a closeted homosexual with disdain for the working class. You're Tom. I'm Tom.

[Chris DiStefano]

I agree with those assessments, however, but that's the physical. I mean, that's the external. Because the internal. Actually, if you looked at our numbers side by side. I have like 300 cholesterol.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Chris DiStefano]

Blood pressure through the roof.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Chris DiStefano]

I have. My liver, for some reason, even though I don't really drink, is just expanding at a rate that doctors can't figure out. So I.

[Tom Segura]

The anti. Burt, you look healthy, but your body is in shambles.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, I'm a reverse Burt. And I'm an innie Burt. And so I think on the exterior, I'm Tom. Interior I'm Burt. And on the exterior, you're a Burt. But the interior, you're Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because I saw bad thoughts. And when he shits his pants, like in that first episode, just shit running down his leg. That's a stavi right now.

[Tom Segura]

That is true. That is a move. My guts have pulled many times that level of diarrhea. Now I've made it to a bowl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But I have seen. I have seen what was on Tom's pants in my bowl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

A lot.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Soft serve. I mean, shit, that is basically soft. Like liquidy soft serve. When they don't get the. They don't get the fucking combination. Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, and it's not frozen enough. That's what comes out of my ass more often.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, I think. And two, what I love about you too is I remember one time we were. We were doing your pod, where we're going to come over and do your. Because, by the way, I can't do a podcast without a Greek person sitting next to me.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just. I keep trading Greeks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So. But I remember we were going to do your pod and you were like, hey, man, I'm eating healthy. You know, I'm not. I'm not. I'm going to do. I do my walking early before the pod, and then 3,000 steps.

[Tom Segura]

It's early as fuck. But I.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then we got there. We got there even earlier than you had expected, and we saw you finishing your walk, but you were coming out of the supermarket holding a pint of ice cream.

[Tom Segura]

In my defense, it was Halo top. Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. True.

[Tom Segura]

That's methadone for fat people. It's methadone. Ben and Jerry's. 330 calories.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

You know the mocha chip.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It ain't. You know, you could do a little something with that. High in protein.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm gonna say, though, dude, you are. You've. What you've done is you've pulled your fat together and you look actually good. What you look like now is a Guy who's designed to be just a little heavier but healthy.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's how you look.

[Tom Segura]

I just want to get back to regular stores, man. You know what I mean? Not having to shop at specialty stores. Not having to look at. Not having to scan the dark web for shirt sizes when you're so fat that, like, the stores that sell your shirts also sell, like, heroin and child pornography, you know, you got to fucking reel it in.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Everything you get has got to be from, like, the Gap factory. Oops.

[Tom Segura]

We accidentally stitched two polos together.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Who's going to wear this?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but. But you. But you look good. You feel, dude. And, you know, and I think that this is going to be. I think this is going to be fun. I think this is going to be good. And I think that at the end of the summer, what you'll see is eventually a post of Bert and Tom saying, we're stepping away from two bears, one cake. And this didn't work with the guests.

[Tom Segura]

Either, because the advertisers have all left.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. They're like. They're, like, stomping. What the hell is it? Giving money to them or whoever that. Are they a sponsor, Benson?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, they are.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right. There you go.

[Tom Segura]

Well. Yep. I love. What a good product.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That we both use.

[Chris DiStefano]

Love it. That's how we're keeping the pounds off. And by the way, also, too. We're both in G. I'm in shorts, and Stavi's in shorts. So this. It'll be nice to just see our thighs.

[Tom Segura]

You got. You got direct line to our nuts for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now you have. You're circumcised, right?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

Greeks are.

[Tom Segura]

Not you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I thought Greeks weren't.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, interesting.

[Chris DiStefano]

So Giannis isn't clipped.

[Tom Segura]

No. If he is, I would have a huge problem if. With Yanis, he was clipped for real. And I'm not even. We've. We've told a lot of jokes early on this podcast, but if Giannis was circumcised, I would feel betrayed on a level I couldn't even, like, verbalize to you right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

I got to think that he's clipped because he's never told me that he wasn't.

[Tom Segura]

Now, here's the thing about Giannis. He is. He. His family is here. One generation. He's one generation removed from the homeland for me. And I do sense a little, like, he's a little ashamed of how much we're pretty much Arabs. You know what I mean? Like, he's a little more you know, his family like, his family were like lawyers, academics, you know, my dad's a contractor. My mom repaired rugs and was a waitress. Like, we're a little more. We're closer to the uncircumcised, you know, lower classes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Lower class.

[Tom Segura]

Like in the Titanic of Greeks. I'm downstairs fucking, you know, doing the jig down with the Greek Irish. And he's upstairs, you know, fucking putting on a cotillion. He's Billy Zane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Billy Zane.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm fucking Leonardo DiCaprio. Greeks.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what? Because he's. And his true. His class of Greeks are a little closer to the gays. He's high upper echelon society. So he might have gotten in with the gays enough where they may have convinced him to clip it.

[Tom Segura]

And that would actually betray, I mean, the witch. It seems philosophically against a gay man. You'd think they'd want less cock flesh. It seems philosophically against.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, see, if I'm thinking that they want aesthetically. Aesthetically a cleaner looking cock.

[Tom Segura]

I think you're being homophobic in the way that you think it's all about aesthetics. But it's also animalistic love of penis.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Which I think. I think. And respect of penis, which is where I come from.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, and I think where I'm coming from is what I want as a gay man.

[Tom Segura]

Let's get really down to it. Is that you. In terms of. That's the other thing about two bears is that certainly we have some Tom and Bert analogues. But also just as bears, I think we're the two archetypes of fun. Fat guy's been fat his whole life. Bear. You know what I mean? I've been getting sucked off by twinks. Whatever. You, though, I think are the opposite. Where was a twink that's aging into being a bear?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of like when Michael Jordan went from the two to the three because he put on some pounds later in life. You're going from like regular gay guy. You're aging into bear right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was wearing number 23 and now I'm bear bear. A 45 guy. I'm on the Wizards. I'm a gay Wizards. I'm a Washington Wizard's gay.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that's interesting. Yeah. Because that, that is true. Because look, here's the thing is, first of all, I'm getting actually married to a woman.

[Tom Segura]

You are getting married.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're getting married. Finally. 10 years later. 3 kids.

[Tom Segura]

3 kids. 10 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Couple of court dates.

[Tom Segura]

8. 8. Change of male forms. I mean, you have moved more than anyone I've ever.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I'm moving again. I close on Thursday. You close, you bought.

[Tom Segura]

You're out of your mind.

[Chris DiStefano]

Got out of here.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, your fucking realtor has sent his family to fucking to college eight times over the fucking broker's fees you've paid.

[Chris DiStefano]

This is why. This is actually part of what the court don't have to show up for. Because the courts are like, what are you doing? This is borderline child neglect.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But, but so I move a lot and then, you know, getting married and what I think though too is I've. You're always. Look, I was always looking for something to be like, oh, maybe I don't want to get married or maybe I want to have all these kids because I'm gay, whatever. But now I finally, due to radical acceptance, just figured out that I'm actually not gay.

[Tom Segura]

Are you positive?

[Chris DiStefano]

I am 1000% positive I'm not gay.

[Tom Segura]

And when you say that, did you give it a little whirl?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever given it a whirl? Have you put your dick in a man's mouth?

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Never.

[Tom Segura]

Never.

[Chris DiStefano]

Never. Never.

[Tom Segura]

Not even that. Which seems to me like.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I could put my dick in a man's mouth.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Tom Segura]

And I wouldn't lose sleep over it for one sec.

[Chris DiStefano]

Listen, dude, I've had again all. Boycott the high school. Growing up in the city, I've definitely like, you know, balls on the bridge of your nose. I've done things like that. Balls on his shoulder, you know, because you would do, you know, throw over your shoulder like a context by a priest, all that. Right, right.

[Tom Segura]

Beating up a Latino kid.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Turning the self hatred for getting it into racism. Classic Italian from Brooklyn stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, exactly. Dude. Getting a blowjob from a guy crossing the Verazano.

[Tom Segura]

If it's on a bridge, it doesn't count. It's like international water.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm in between two worlds, two realms.

[Tom Segura]

You don't exist anywhere. That's in the shadow realm.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you get.

[Tom Segura]

You're just in a suspension. You're in like a fucking little harness.

[Chris DiStefano]

Getting your D side under the bridge. Dude, I've never. I've never hooked up with a guy on land. So therefore you're not gay.

[Tom Segura]

Only on a Carnival cruise. And under the Verrazano Bridge.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Oh, dude, I know. So that.

[Tom Segura]

So I wouldn't say you never even thought about it. Huh.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now, and also too, I've been asked by my family, which is. It's interesting. We're 10 minutes into this podcast. And the one thing my family asked me last night was to not please stop with the gay jokes. And I just, in the first 10 minutes, just made them maybe on the biggest platform I've ever told them on.

[Tom Segura]

And when you say your family, you mean your like parents or do you mean your children?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, not my children. I mean Jasmine, my fiance. Yeah, she's. He's told me enough. He's like, you know, like, your kids are getting old enough now. The kids in schools are like, oh, isn't your dad the one who said he got anal blasted by a priest? Hey, welcome to the new school. Because my kids always have to be the new kids because we move so much. And then they're like, you know, the new kids always get a lot of attention and they find out her dad. And then it's always like, oh, right. Hey, what about this YouTube clip? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, look.

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Tom Segura]

Do they have. Maybe you don't want to dox them, but you should give them a fake last name, not your name.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I don't have my. That's the. We were talking about that. But then my family was like, you know what? But then that messes with their identity so little. So I was just like, whatever. I don't have a name. I don't have. Do you get packages sent to your house with your name?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I do.

[Chris DiStefano]

You do?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean that's.

[Tom Segura]

Which is dumb. I should stop doing that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Because it's just like they just see the name and then I've been on.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a problem here. I'm not famous anywhere but Baltimore because of the Ravens videos.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And that's it. It's not your hard work. It's never the thing you want it's always like, some pretending to be white trash.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so I think in Baltimore, I need a. In Baltimore, I'm gonna start having my packages sent as Chris DiStefano.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, please. Dude. Nobody knows me. And I approved that I had to cancel my show at the Lyric because.

[Tom Segura]

The T.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that show has been fully canceled in October.

[Tom Segura]

Big room, man. Yeah, 500. That's dumb.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was a stupid mistake. You'll see me at Magoobies, but, you know. Yeah, I think, you know, for, you know. Yeah, you're big. None of us really are that. We're big to our, like, podcast fans, Internet fans, but none of us really are, like, famous to the point where you need security. It may feel like it, but also too, dude, nobody from the Internet is gonna show up at your house and do anything bad. It's just not gonna happen.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know about that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just not gonna happen.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know about that. I think, like, I know the news channels you watch, they don't cover mass shootings anymore. I know Newsmax just kinda puts those under the. You know, puts those under the rug. But I think we got some evidence that a lot of guys from the Internet are doing plenty of crimes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, the problem is with me is, you know, and I've now changed it, but. But we realized, like, it was very easy to get because all my doors have, like, key codes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And every code was 1776.

[Tom Segura]

So any true patriot is allowed to come into your house, fuck your ass, eat your snacks.

[Chris DiStefano]

As long as you have that flag, the original 13 colonies, as long as you're coming to that, and you have some type of Revolutionary War garb on, you can come and have sex with my family. We're brothers, dude. Yeah, man.

[Tom Segura]

That's hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think. I think. Yeah. But this is this Tom Bert, supposedly Benson Boone. Benson Spoon said that Bert had a video for us.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look at that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bert's got the even just right here. I can tell he's got six months left. I could tell that his arteries and veins hit there.

[Tom Segura]

He was looking good, dude. He's gotten redder and redder these last few months.

[Chris DiStefano]

He is unbelievably fit. Like, he might be in the best shape of anyone you've ever met.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane. It's insane. The adversity he puts his body through and how much it perseveres. Yes, he is a medical marvel for real.

[Chris DiStefano]

He just keeps going. He should be dead no matter what.

[Tom Segura]

He should be dead without question. And, like, dude, I Did fully loaded when it was, like, him taking it easy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And one and a half days of attempting to keep up with Burt, and I literally needed, like, a week and a half off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I had, like, fucking my stomach just. Just drinking at all. I did mushrooms and floated down a lazy river and then had to do a fucking show in front of an arena.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking. Just the snacks. It almost killed me. And I. By the way, I was getting fucked up every night on my tour. That was in my, like, taking. I was more dick pills and Pepto Bismol and fucking Xanax than I was fucking man at that time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, oh, I can hang. You know, Fully loaded. Not. He's. It's fucking insane what he's capable of.

[Chris DiStefano]

But he's got, like. Yeah. Neanderthal genes. All right, let's. Oh, Yep. Sorry. Let me put these on. I look like Warren from something about Mary Franks and Beans.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys, it's Bert. I. I would love for you guys to talk about Indian people today.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've run into a bunch of Indian people on my trip.

[Tom Segura]

Pause this for a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd love to hear your take. Any good stories about Indians?

[Tom Segura]

Bert's like, let's fucking let's. He's ironically outsourcing Indian racism to us. He's like, why don't you guys try and say something that'll get your careers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ruined when a guy like Bert says it. I don't know if he's talking about Native Americans or people from India. Yeah, yeah, that's because the way he's saying, he's putting some stank on Indians. So I'm like, are you talking about, like, Civil war? Native Americans? Like the Cherokees? Are you talking about people from India?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yes. This is a man who's been thrown out of many Seminole casinos in his life. You know what I mean? But all right, let's keep going. By the way, not doing that 100%. Not just giving my thoughts on a race carte blanche. But anyway, let's keep moving. What else we got, Josh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Indian people always fucking rock. Indian women are the hottest women in the world, in my opinion. Indian men are always helpful. I've never had a group of Indian kids again.

[Tom Segura]

Now he's kind of reverse psychology, trying to get us to be racist. You know what I mean? He's like, oh, aren't they so cool? Aren't they? You know?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I feel like he's literally like, leanne is off camera. Like, telling him what to say to back it up, back it in. I mean, look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when they see me, it's just smile. So any stories about Indian people or any stats about Indian people, Any interesting knowledge about Indian people, then if you don't want to do that one, how about this? I would love for you guys to break down America's greatest holiday. Okay? It was just 4th of July, and I would love to hear you guys pick which you think the best American holiday is, and then take it head to head with what you believe is the world's greatest holiday. Whether it be Carnival in Brazil or the day they throw tomatoes or running of the Bulls. All that shit. I hope you guys have.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, also, can you guys talk about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rolexes and luxury cars?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What luxury car you want to buy? What Rolex you want to buy? That's Tom's talking points. I hope you guys have a great episode. I love you guys to death. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm sure it's going to be amazing. I cannot wait, wait to listen. Oh, and mention that my tour permission to party starts.

[Tom Segura]

We can stop it right now. Yeah, we can stop right now. I'll be in England, though. I will be in London. We. Yeah, we take over the. Look at that pause, by the way. That's him realizing what a mistake he's made giving us this podcast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Vote Zoran.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why he's bringing up Indian people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was like, I saw. I saw Starbucks talking about some Indian guy. Maybe he likes Indian people.

[Tom Segura]

I do. Okay, I will say great cuisine, you know, incredible cuisine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

My true thought in terms of hot women. Yes. Some incredible bangers there. Bollywood. Have you seen. Rrr. Have you seen that movie? Dude, Bollywood movies. Fucking. I mean, I don't think that's technically Bollywood, but it's a story about, like, three Indian revolutionaries. And it's like. It's awesome because I'm gonna take these off, by the way.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll do what you do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm sweating. I have too. Too much fat. Ear sweat.

[Chris DiStefano]

You actually have good ears for your ear. If I just zeroed in your ears, I would say a guy's probably pretty ripped. You have good ears.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let's get a fucking close up of the ears.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Which, by the way, what is this? That's not your body.

[Chris DiStefano]

That is not me.

[Tom Segura]

That's my actual body, which they had no problem using. And then they went to your, I guess, your search history. Yeah, they Found that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, they literally. That's you stop. He's actually bought. And then they pick some rip guy, and they just gave me a bear head and a yarmulke. I mean, that might be Mat Lane's body.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's another reason why I know I'm not gay. Matteo Lane told me, looked me in the eye and said, dude, you're not. He's like, you are not. So what?

[Tom Segura]

He's like the gay sorting hat. He's like Harry Potter.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Mateo puts his bare ass on your head, and he's, like, straight.

[Chris DiStefano]

He could feel it.

[Tom Segura]

Bi. Curious at most.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

All right, so I would say, Rrr is a banger. Great movie. But, yeah, I have pretty limited. And I, you know, I have pretty limited you. You know, growing up here in the. In the great melting pot of Brooklyn, what were your experiences?

[Chris DiStefano]

So that's the thing, because Baltimore, I don't think you guys have a lot of Indians.

[Tom Segura]

We had a couple we had in the suburbs. I mean, that's the thing. All the Indian kids I knew were like. Because Baltimore, we didn't have much, but, like, closer to D.C. there was, like. It was actually a very diverse. A lot of, like, this, I guess. Is that a kind of positive racism, where it's like some of the first, like, really smart, like, computer mathematicians, like, would work in the government. And so the most affluent county in, I think, America is either Montgomery or Howard county, which is, like, south of Baltimore between. And there was, like, a lot of kids I met a lot of, like, I did meet one piece of shit Indian person. Indian kid, because he was, like. He was still holding on to, like, the caste system. Like, he thought. He thought he was fucking. But he. We wore, like, Holocaust or Hollister.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was gonna say. Now you do know my friends.

[Tom Segura]

Damn. He. He wore Hollister. It was funny to be, like, a. Like, intra Indian, like, supremacist.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But wear, like, you know, Lacoste.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And have, like, a little earring and, like, be like a fucking, you know, like, sexy bro. He would try to be like a sexy bro.

[Chris DiStefano]

The thing is, with Indian people, to me, what's always insane is, like, here, like, at least in New York, like, people make fun of them, but it's like, every class, the smartest kid by far is Indian. So, like, as far as, like, the immigrants go, I mean, I would put them as, like, they're the leader.

[Tom Segura]

And see, what we've done now is Bert has made us start ranking races. So I'm gonna go ahead and do an executive and we're gonna move this along and just say, go watch Rrr. And eat some fucking roadie. That's all I got for you. Eat a samosa. You know what I mean? Jerk off to hot Indian ladies and that's it.

[Chris DiStefano]

The last thing we need is somebody like me ranking racist. Then we're in a beer hall push by the end of the episode.

[Tom Segura]

That is true. You are a crypto kraut, which you don't get enough credit for. You have the Italian last name and that does a lot of. That does a lot of. You're marinara washed, I would say, where.

[Chris DiStefano]

It'S like I deflect a lot with the Italian because, oh, Chris DiStefano presented my. Is this Italian? You know, black, Puerto Rican women, all that stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

And that stuff is somewhat true. But then I did the ancestry.com and it's 98% German. 9, 8, 9, 8.

[Tom Segura]

So even your dad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. That's why me and Giannis had to stop the podcast for three years. Like, I can't go near him.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is an ad by BetterHelp. Workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health, with 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. To battle stress, most of us can't just wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with a focus on wellness. What I do while I'm at work on this show in Atlanta is I take a walk around the lot. I take a walk around the lot. I try to breathe in fresh air. Look at the trees. I get an incline from now and then. I get a little bit of sun. It's awesome. A holiday is great, but it isn't a long term solution for stress. Don't forget that therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges you during the workday and. Or during the day and. Or during the night, whatever it may bring. Therapy is so such a great tool for the little things that drive you nuts. The little things add up, next thing you know, you're blowing up. You write them down, you talk about them in therapy. I do that all the time. Leanne and I are in therapy not because we're having any problems, but because we're getting in front of it. Get in front of of it for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind and joy with better help. They have over 30,000 therapists world the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an App store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. The best part, the reason I work with this company is because for me and you, it's convenient. It is so convenient. You just join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com bears that's betterhelp. H E-L-P.com bears better h e l p.com bears what's everybody, summer is here.

[Stavros Halkias]

And we've got some awesome new stuff in the YMH store. Survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection available now at store.ymhstudios.com but dude, so to.

[Chris DiStefano]

The point where I grew up in Ridgewood, Ridgewood, Queens, has become, like. It's like exploded.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Ridgewood is sort of like. It's Bushwick now, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So. And it's. The property values are through the roof. And that's where I grew up. So, like, my. So, like, you know how, like, Texas, like, people from Texas, like, Backwood rednecks or like, sitting on oil field. Oil fields and all, like, multi. Multimillionaires, but they can, like, barely speak. Those are the people of Ridgewood, like, now, like, my family who, like, you know, we freaking, you know, they threw, like, a party for me because, like, when I, you know, scored like, 25 points in a basketball game, I made the Ridgewood Gazette, you know, like, I was like the kid that made it out of Ridgewood doing comedy, whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's brutal. You're the one who made it out. You're the success story out of Ridgewood.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm the success story out of Ridgewood. Until it was revealed that Jeremy Allen White lived in Ridgewood for a few years before he did the bear. And so now, so he gets the bear and I get two bears, one pig. But so in Ridgewood, they had such a big German population to the point where if the. This was explained to me, if the Nazis had successfully taken over Europe, they had, like, a plan, at least just some writings of them coming over and trying to take over the U.S. like, that was a real thing. They had submarines close to Long island. And in that plan, they had one of the main housing points for, like, their top generals, maybe even Adolf.

[Tom Segura]

Was Ridgewood, Queens your exact address?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

This is where they had circles.

[Chris DiStefano]

So, you know, like, it went around a lot, you know, recently how, like, the Nazis sold out Madison Square garden in the 30s. The main catering came from two bakeries in Ridgewood.

[Tom Segura]

You were fucking making the loaves of bread for Nazis, dude. So that's insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Across the street from me.

[Tom Segura]

That's not close, by the way. No, that's not close. Ridgewood's not close for msg.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, no, no. They were like, we are specifically.

[Tom Segura]

They take the trolley in from there 100%.

[Chris DiStefano]

There was this guy, older man, who lived across the street from me when I was a kid. And I would always play with him and his grandkids. And he was just a cool older guy in his 70s, 80s. My grandfather, who fought in World War II, would always play with. Would always, like, hang with him. They would, like, smoke cigars together, whatever. And then he died, right? And I didn't think anything of it, like, just died.

[Tom Segura]

And then the Mossad was outside with a blow dart. You're gonna got his ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I didn't know. Cause just being a little kid and then it wasn't until years later when I was talking. My grandfather died, and we were talking about my grandfather at the wake, and one of my uncles was like, it's great how, like, you know, your grandfather was like, able to just, like, make amends. Like, that's what was great about his charact. He could just forgive and forget and just keep moving on and whatever. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, you know, like, how his relationship was with Rudy. And I was like, what? And then he was like, what do you mean? He was like, you know, like, with. I was like, oh, like the old man who lived across. She goes, yeah. I mean, those guys, you know, they. They were on opposite sides. And I was like, what are you talking about? I had no idea. I was like, I thought they were war buddies. He was like, they weren't war buddies.

[Tom Segura]

They weren't.

[Chris DiStefano]

They said they fought in the war.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so he was a Nazi. Nazi.

[Tom Segura]

There's just a Nazi hanging out, living across the street. That's insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And everyone was just cool with that?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. 100. I told my mom because now. Because now the house is worth, like, 20 times what it. What she paid for it, like, because Ridgewood has exploded. I was like, when people come over to look at the house, you say, oh, a Nazi used to live there, right? And see what happens.

[Tom Segura]

See if you can bring it down. See if you bring the file.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, dude, it is. It is one of those things where my mom has told me. She's like, I'm like, mom, you should, like, sell the house. She's like, no, no, no, I don't want to sell the house. House. This is a family inheritance. She's like, you know, it is in the will when I die, when my mom dies. She's like, this is going to go to you. I want to make sure you and your family have to have an asset. And I said, mom, I'm going to sell the house at your funeral. So if you want to make the cash.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If you keep not being able to sell the lyric, that thing's going fast. If you don't make bonus at Magoovie's, you're selling that fucking house quick.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, mom, because she always wanted to go on, like, one of those European Viking cruises, and I was going to get her.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, the. The. The. The Ridgewood racism is fucking. That's the Europe she wanted to see.

[Chris DiStefano]

The.

[Tom Segura]

The plunge, the plunderers.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what she looked up to. So. And I was like, Nazi neighbors fucking.

[Tom Segura]

Nuts and doing it like a heartwarming story. Like, it's, you know, like, oh, isn't it great? Isn't it great how they could put, you know, put things aside?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, well, they. That. And then, like, and. And they put the. They were telling me, like, like they became friends and how, like, I used to play with, like, his grandkids. And I'm like, where are those kids now? Like, where are his grandkids?

[Tom Segura]

They're in the Department of Health and Human Services. They're fucking running ICE right now. This is fucking crazy. They're wearing a ski mask and just trying to find anybody that has a tan to try and fucking deport them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, the guy, Dan Bongiorno. Bongino. From the head of the deputy director of the FBI. He's another Ridgewood, Queens guy, went to the same high school.

[Tom Segura]

So that makes so much fucking sense. Those guys got so cucked, now they have to pretend the Epstein list didn't happen.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know. I saw that today. And there's no client list. I was like, come on.

[Tom Segura]

Who do you think is more relieved, Bert or Tom? The Epstein list is gone. Yeah, of the two, I think. I think Tom would do it. To get into the Illuminati.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And I think Bert could be peer pressured into it if the other Just. If the other billionaires. So the other billionaires would like him. Yeah, because you know what I mean? Like, I don't think Bert would want to be a. They're like, oh, oh, we thought you were cool, man. He'd be like, I'm cool. You know what I mean? Like I think with Tom would just be soberly having and being like this will get me a 10 year deal at Netflix, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He would just be calculated and neither one of them would enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think they're that kind of guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

If I was like, hey Bert, like, you know, if you just have kid it'll be a really good tour promo for Red Rocks. He'd do it.

[Tom Segura]

Steve Hawking's in the back. Check out the Permission to party tour.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because I think the mindset of those two guys are like, are like Tom always believed this was going to be his life. He was always going to be famous. He always going to be a multi millionaire. Where Burt cannot believe this happened to him. He can't believe he made it out.

[Tom Segura]

Of Tallahassee, which is awesome. Yeah, yeah, the vibe. No, Bert's vibe is like guy who wished on a genie lamp to be the biggest comedian on earth and is just like having a good ass time the whole time. Yeah, Tom, I remember and that was fun. I mean I will say the fun. That tour is so the, the. The Fully Loaded tour is insane, right? It's like just having a fucking party on 14 buses, which is the coolest shit. A bus is the fucking best, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but isn't it tough?

[Tom Segura]

Except you can't shit on it which is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that's the thing is that's why I'm not interested in doing it at all. Because I'm like, I gotta shit a lot.

[Tom Segura]

I know what you mean. I So I did I take creatine shits, dude. Well, listen, I took some. What I ended up doing was the kind of the fat man speedball which. Or like like a non drug. The shitting speedball, which is. I took a lot of Pepto because I did a bus this last go around and it was great. But I would do Pepto preemptively. But then I would also take Metamucil to help with digestion. So they would be these fucked up. One stops you from shitting and one makes it so that like shit rockets out of your ass. And I would take. I would wake up in a fucking cold sweat.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'd be like.

[Tom Segura]

It'd be like 9am I'd be in a new. I'd be in Memphis. I'd wake up in a new city. I'd be Like, I need to find a coffee shop. And I would just run for a coffee shop or a fucking, you know, Hilton Garden Inn, pretending I'm there. I need to use the bathroom. And I would take the most insane shit of your, like, because they. You get these, like, weird, like, green, black. Green pepper shits, but they would fucking rock it out of your ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they'd be like, pebble, like soft little pebbles.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It looked like non lethal bullets.

[Chris DiStefano]

Honestly.

[Tom Segura]

It looked like what they're shooting at, like, you know, protesters.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was going to say, yeah, hit that protester with that. But so do you. But. But okay, so that's how you shit. But where do you shower? How does that work?

[Tom Segura]

Shower at the venue.

[Chris DiStefano]

You want to live like that?

[Tom Segura]

I liked it.

[Chris DiStefano]

There's not a part of me that wants to do that.

[Tom Segura]

It was not. It was fun as hell. And I would, you know, My best friend is my tour manager. He's bad at his job, but he's my friend, of course. You know, but it's fun to hang out with.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I had JP McDade, the fucking. The, you know, one of the best comics, the tallest comic. Everyone was like, six, seven, but me, which is hilarious. Eldis is six seven, JP, six seven. Our videographer, sexy Saxon.

[Chris DiStefano]

He.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, six six.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're just five nine, Pebbles.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for five nine. I'm five. I'm five seven. But appreciate it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Oh, I think you're five nine, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, man. I carry myself. Yeah. I'm wearing heels.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I wear heels all the time. No, what I actually am. Here's my. Here's what I do. I think it's a power move. I'm 5 8, but I say 5 7.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Because most people that are 57 say they're 5 8. So I think it's a power move to. Because, by the way, society doesn't. 5, 7, 5, 9. No one gives a right. So it's a power move to deduct one inch and be like, I don't even care. I'm five seven.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's interesting.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

Shows more confidence.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly, exactly, exactly.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think. I think that's. Well, you want. That's the thing about you is where your sex appeal comes in is overconfidence. Like when you didn't have a tooth for a year, right? That's. You probably got the most punani. This guy doesn't care.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I went from getting the most pussy I ever got to, like, having the only good relationship I ever had. Like, A woman was like, I want to start a life with you. When I was toothless, even though she was. I will admit, there were times where I, like, met her friends. She was like, I really thought you were gonna put the tooth in. I was just like, meet her like friends. One time when I met her family, we hilariously broke up four days after. But like, we both met each other's family. She was just like, put the fake tooth. She was like, we're not fucking around. You're meeting my grandmother. She's not gonna think I'm dating some toothless piece of shit. Even though she was. Even though she was. I actually miss the no tooth. I wish I had no tooth with a ponytail.

[Chris DiStefano]

That look would be next because no tooth, ponytail chain. You just look like a. Like a badass old school, like, Greek guy. That really. The thing is with a guy like you, there's. Cause there's. There's a lot of guys like me. There's a lot of guys that got the stupid hair. You wear the jorts. You know what I mean? You got like, you're a piece of shit.

[Tom Segura]

I.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, you're 40 years old, you're still trying to get into the NYPD. Like, there's a lot of. I'm still taking the test.

[Tom Segura]

You're taking the practice exams every night.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just to stay sharp. And they call me in like, you know, there's a lot of guys like me. There's not a lot of guys like you.

[Tom Segura]

True, true.

[Chris DiStefano]

There's not a lot of guys who come out here. The hair, the tooth, the shirts, like, kind of just owning every bit of you.

[Tom Segura]

Hypertension takes a lot of guys like me. It's a lot high. Just surviving is big. If I could make it to 50, I'll be the. It's kind of like Highlander. Instead of killing each other, it's our own hearts that kill guys like me. You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, Guys like you have lifespans like you're in colonial America.

[Tom Segura]

We have, yeah, we have like, Like I have a Great Danes lifespan. You know what I mean? It's like.

[Chris DiStefano]

But your blood pressure, cholesterol, all that normal.

[Tom Segura]

It actually is weirdly normal.

[Chris DiStefano]

See, that's. That's what I'm saying.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lot coming though. There's going to be one. Yeah, there's going to be one doctor's visit that's like, it's all going to hit at once.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what I mean? It's like, that's like my friend, huge drinker. He said he's had a drink, at least one alcoholic beverage every day, has not missed seven days a week at least once. He's 18 years old, and he says he's perfectly fine. Of course he's in the fdny.

[Tom Segura]

Perfectly fin.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then a week ago, they were out, you know, wherever they went, they. They go on, like, these random vacations because we're. I'm the only one that has kids, so they don't even include me now. Like, I'll just wake up to a group text, and they're like, in Ocean City, Maryland or Florida. I'm like, they know, like, don't even invite.

[Tom Segura]

So they're real classy guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

The two places you fucking mentioned, Ocean.

[Chris DiStefano]

City is fucking Ocean City, Fort Lauderdale or Atlantic City. That's where they're going. And so. And so my. My boy was like. He was in the group chat. He goes, oh, let's get something in. And then. So they go down. You know, I'm not there. I'm just reading the text. And then one of my other friends is like, yo, he can't lift his arm. He can't get the fork to his mouth. His arm just stopped moving. So they're like, we're having to pick up his arm and put his. Get the food in because he realized he was down there. They were down there for seven days. He hadn't eaten in four days.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just drinking alcohol.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I was like, so what's going to happen with a guy like, that is the one day that God's just going to turn the switch on, and then day by day, it's just, boom, dead. Dead.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

At least I'm slowly dying.

[Tom Segura]

Sure. You know, it's called. You see it. You can make plans for it, you know, 100%. You're Mo. Every time you move a house. And so that there's less stairs.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You see, there's no less things you have to climb. It'll be easier for you two.

[Chris DiStefano]

Life. Like, I, you know, people would look at me, you know, that's the picture they use of me. Like they think. And then two separate life insurance policies had done the whole test. Like, we can't insure you.

[Tom Segura]

I have life insurance.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly. I could have said it. They were like. They're like, what is his life? He's a comedian. He's got a show in Saudi Arabia, and his cholesterol's 400.

[Tom Segura]

Are you going to Saudi Arabia?

[Chris DiStefano]

Are you gonna do that gig?

[Tom Segura]

I can't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't do it. Can't take the Saudi money. I get it.

[Tom Segura]

I can't.

[Chris DiStefano]

I didn't want to do it either. I was contemplating. I was like, maybe not. And then Jasmine was like, well, we're getting married. We got the house. Who knows? We'll probably sell it again. I was like, I can't do it. And then she was like, you're gonna take that fucking money.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, okay, you're gonna have a maid that doesn't have access to her passport. Whether you like it or not, you're a Filipino woman who's trapped in the desert. Well, you never see her family again.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, what's good about a gig like that for me personally is this is one where, like, it's not even. Like, there's no question Jasmine can't come.

[Tom Segura]

There's more. There's no more endangered species than a mouthy Puerto Rican woman in Saudi Arabia.

[Chris DiStefano]

It wasn't. It wasn't even questioned, like, because normally when I go overseas, it's like jazz. It's like, if you do come.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just know you're coming back headless.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know, dude. So. But.

[Tom Segura]

But so I. That's. Saudi Arabia is spooky to me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sam Moral's going, I know the Jews.

[Tom Segura]

I've talked about. Yeah, we've talked about it.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's like. He was like, dude, yo, like, if goes down over there, you got my back. I was like, I'm going to grab a stone too. I'm going to join the mob and.

[Tom Segura]

Get out of here. I got to get out of here.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, I can't risk this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a setup. What are you talking about, dude? It's like, Sam, Ari, you think you're. Yeah, you're there. So they. You're there as like, to throw them off the scent.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden I start yelling, show. Shut up.

[Tom Segura]

Damn, dude. I mean, whatever. It's fine. I mean, all entertainment money is fucking blood money in one way or the other anyway.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think too, man, with the world the way it is, it's like, that's how I feel. It's like, you know, dude, you go down these rabbit holes and then you' like, even, like, I was, you know, giving money to, like, the green initiatives, and then like, something pops up where it's like, this is a scam. You're giving money and then you're like, try to do the work to, like, look into is it or is it not? And then you just get exhausted and you're like, I Don't. Dude, I don't know anymore at all. Like, even. Even with health, I was eating, you know, to like, help my cholesterol and all that. Like, all this yogurt. Like, yogurt, foji yogurt. The Greek, dude, the Mediterranean diet. That is why your numbers are so good. Because that Mediterranean diet. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, you know. No, people. People say this shit all the time. Here's my theory.

[Chris DiStefano]

Lemon potatoes.

[Tom Segura]

Here's my theory on why Greeks have the highest, like, you know, like, life expectancy is because I promise you, people are. Are pretending their dead relatives are alive to keep taking retirement checks. I promise you the reason Greek Greek life exposure is like 90 on average is because someone who died died at 68, their family has been pretending he's alive and cashing his fucking. His fucking retirement pay for 20 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you're saying their stress is down, they don't have any problems? Is that what you mean?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm saying the numbers are inflated mathematically. Half the people that died at 88 died at 52 of a heart attack eating fucking lamb chops and fucking drinking fucking retsina.

[Chris DiStefano]

I get it.

[Tom Segura]

It's all a mathematical anomaly because we're committing fraud. That's my real theory on why Greek. Although I will say my uncle is maybe the fattest guy I've ever seen in my life and like, fat in a way that, like, his body composition makes Bert look like a twink, right? Like he's got. He's. He's fat, but it's like if, like his belly is like a Jem bae. Like, you hit it, it goes boing o o o o o o. Like it's taut as. It's like he's got the kind of fat that feels like muscle that's clearly like constricting his organs 100%. He's had diabetes for 30 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

He will no medicine.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, he takes. He does take his. I will say he takes whatever medicine was in vogue 30 years ago in Greece. Just eats like a fucking piece of shit. Still. Like, he's like almost eight. He's like in his 70s now, still kicking, fat as hell. I mean, he is losing. He's lost sight in one of his eyes. Maybe his feet are coming soon, but, you know, who knows?

[Chris DiStefano]

But you know what, dude? Because I saw a guy knows great.

[Tom Segura]

Restaurants, by the way, is the fucking best, of course. Knows exactly where to go to eat.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly what. Dude, I'm telling you, man, I've When I got this news about. Because what happened was I go In. I thought I was in good shape, whatever. And then the doctor comes back with the blood results. So normally they just email you or give you a call, but I got a call from the receptionist, like, the doctor wants to see you personally.

[Tom Segura]

The doctor's taking a car to your home right now. There's no more time to waste. Mr. Stefano, I hope your affairs are in order.

[Chris DiStefano]

I got called into to the office. So I go in there, and he literally was almost, like, not scolding me, but he was a little bit like. I go in. I'm like, oh, hey, Doc. How are you? He's like, good. He goes, let me ask you a question, Chris. He goes, you're a relatively smart guy, right? I was like, you know, I don't know if I'm smart. I was like, I have an education.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, no.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Next question. You have an education. You got a fucking. The education that being, like, getting a scholarship as a white Italian basketball player gets you. It's not exactly the most. Where'd you go to fucking school?

[Chris DiStefano]

Archbishop Malloy.

[Tom Segura]

And then. And then where'd you go to fucking college?

[Chris DiStefano]

St. Joseph's College.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, you want to call that a fucking double Catholic education?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I went to private school. He's like, it says you went to St. Matthias. I'm like, all right, I went to Catholic school.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But he goes. He goes, if I was to tell you that your total cholesterol is 300, do you think that's a good number or a bad number?

[Tom Segura]

The way you teach babies colors?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Is this. Is this element elephant gray or pink?

[Chris DiStefano]

And then I go. And then I was like. I was like, well, you know, it depends. I was like, 300's good in baseball.

[Tom Segura]

I'm Teddy Ball game. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he.

[Tom Segura]

I'm the Ted Williams of cholesterol.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he goes. And he goes, it's a bad number. And I was like, yeah. And I was like. And I go, yeah, but I eat, right? He goes, no, you don't. And then I. And then, I swear, he goes. He goes, let's. Let's do this. He goes, what is the last. Like, the last two weeks of eating? What does that look like? And I was like, oh, I think it's been pretty healthy. And he's like, what does that look like? And he asked me to take out my phone. And then he was like, if you look back at your calendar, usually that jars your memory of what you ate, and it actually works. I never even looked like you could look back at something 10 days ago and see, oh, I did, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I remember some meals. Boom.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so we figured out in 14 days, when I really. He gave me, like, 30 minutes. He was like, think about this and write this down. I had had in 14 days. Days. Something like 15 egg, cheese, and avocado sandwiches.

[Tom Segura]

The avocado's healthy, though. That's what I was green in there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. But he was like, eggs, cheese, and the bread and ketchup. And then I had 22 slices of pizza.

[Tom Segura]

So every day you've had a very balanced.

[Chris DiStefano]

So he was like. And then I was like, yeah, but I've had salads with it. Whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Classic fat guy moved this chick. Yeah. When I was opening for Bobby Kelly, our move would. We would get wings, but also salads. And we'd be like, well, yeah, that's fucking healthy balancing. We got fucking salads. It's prote, lettuce. That's healthy. Pouring ranch on all of it. You know what I mean? But anyway.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then he go, no, it's all good. And then he goes. And then he goes, oh, you have. You know what you could do is if you wanted to keep eating the pizza. I said, well, maybe I could keep eating the pizza. Just take the cheese off. He was like, no. He was like, it's baked in oil. And he was like, so also, why.

[Tom Segura]

What are you getting out of that?

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I.

[Tom Segura]

The best part.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, you're gonna eat it.

[Chris DiStefano]

But he said, what? He literally. He was like, look, dude, this was in eight. He was like, I'm gonna give you till September, okay? You have till September. If your numbers do not come down by September, I have no choice but to put you on medication. Like, you have now reached the end. He's like, cause you've been telling me for five years that you're gonna get it in check. And he was like, it's never been 300. It's always been like 200, 220, back down to 210. He goes, But I don't know what happened to you. And then I go, I think one of the protein powders I've been using is high in cholesterol. He was like, that's not it. It's not the protein powder.

[Tom Segura]

The protein powder. Been using Yoohoo?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Powdered Nesquik.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Chocolate milk has protein. And so now what I've been doing, though, now is I've been taking. You ever heard of Berberine?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's like a Natural, like.

[Tom Segura]

So this is the newest bullshit you've believed in? No, Every time we talk, you're into some bull. You were into God for a while. Is that over?

[Chris DiStefano]

Relatively over. It was, but then when I saw Joe Rogan back on, I was like, maybe I should get back on. But then I was like, I can't listen to this. And I put my. So now I'm back.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude, how many shitty open micrs are gonna start going to church now? I know the way these pretend to be into MMA. They're like, I love St. Paul and the Epistle. A letter to the Episians.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Hey, I go on. I'm like, hey, I'm Chrissy Corinthians.

[Tom Segura]

Well, just kill Tony minutes about the. The Virgin Mary.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

She was just going off on the Philistines and having sick, crazy bits about Joseph. So the reason why I like berberine and red yeast fries is because for me, the one thing, if the Chinese have been using it for years, I'm in, dude. And the Chinese are all about berberine and red yeast rice. Cause they don't really do. I mean, they do statins and all that and the pharmaceuticals, but that's what they've been doing. And they have, like, year after year, some of the lowest cholesterol out there.

[Tom Segura]

They've also been walking. They've also been eating steamed vegetables. And like, you know, they haven't had. They. They don't even know what cheese is in half of China. So I think there's a little more you can take from the Chinese than their. Than their oriental powders.

[Chris DiStefano]

I take. It's so funny. I'm trying to live, like this Chinese lifestyle. Take all. I don't take any of the vegetables of the steamed food. All I do is take the red yeast rice. And then smoking cigarettes, hovering off the floor.

[Tom Segura]

Gambling. Gambling. Smoking cigarettes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Saying openly, I hate Taiwan. Yeah. And I'm like, why? Is my cholesterol going down? Yeah, man, but what'd you do for.

[Tom Segura]

The fourth of July? I mean, that's a fat boy holiday.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, fourth of July.

[Tom Segura]

I went out also. Bert, you know, Bert asked us about it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Cause I asked, what.

[Tom Segura]

What did you eat, though? Let's go there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. So actually for 4th of July, I went down to my aunt's house and what happened was, is I don't really. I've been trying, like, not to drink as much, but I had two back to back spot and beers. That's the thing. My family goes in with some heavy German beers and I Was just throwing back spotons with my Aunt Eileen. And it was just.

[Tom Segura]

It is funny. Literally, like when it was culturally cool to be Italian, you were Italian. Italian, yeah. And now that you know half the country is Nazis, you're like, I'm German now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm drinking spot and beer. Let's deport everyone who's not white. This is what my family's always believed. I'm a good fella. I don't even like Scorsese.

[Chris DiStefano]

As soon as the Chinese take over, I'm just sitting on the floor, just. I have the things through my hair.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the distefanos. No, Ridgewood was a child, they used to call it little Beijing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You just keep changing your.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just pay with everything in yen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So. So 4th of July, I ate. I. I had these back to back spottings and I got a buzz because once it start mixing with that berberine and red yeast rice, I just.

[Tom Segura]

The concoction.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I start getting crazy.

[Tom Segura]

German and. Yeah, German and Chinese. You got the powders in the beer.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So all inhibitions, kind of like.

[Tom Segura]

That's two types of people that love getting up 100.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah. Dude. Don't sleep on the Chinese.

[Tom Segura]

Chinese, no.

[Chris DiStefano]

They get absolutely hammered.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And don't sleep on the Japanese. Historically, the Japanese get absolutely hammered.

[Tom Segura]

And also Japanese might be the biggest. Actually, you know, maybe Japanese is even more. Because do the Chinese get that fucked up? Because I do. I have my Asian friends. Although I guess I'm thinking of Koreans. They would drink through. They would get like flushed.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like that's like a thing. People talk about the flush.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And that's how much they love getting fucked up. They would be bright red.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just so fucking fucked up. But they loved it, man. And yeah, the Japanese, that cult, that drinking culture is insane. Insane. And they.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you just. And dude.

[Tom Segura]

And you would love to do. Because you can. Prostitutes and it doesn't count as cheating.

[Chris DiStefano]

That. Which is. Which I think I'm not going to go as too far as to. That is the one thing I like about Mandani's campaign. He wants to decriminalize prostitution.

[Tom Segura]

That one's good.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the thing. We all circled in the neighborhood. We're like, hey, this guy. Except that one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't want a living wage.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We don't want to be able to afford rent.

[Chris DiStefano]

But prostitutes. Yeah. So. But, but, but I think. I think you know, with the. The Japanese, they also too historically were just. Dude, they. The way that they used to beat the out of the Chinese. You ever look into that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, God, just crush them. But, but a lot of reason to bring up say they. A lot of the Japanese veterans are like, we were just hammered. We were all drinking, doing drugs, and we were just killing everybody.

[Tom Segura]

It's not really an excuse.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Tom Segura]

But to commit a genocide, being like, I had too much sa. So I leveled the village saki bomb.

[Chris DiStefano]

They. But so we ate.

[Tom Segura]

It's hilarious how much, how much revisionism for the Axis powers you've done.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

In the last hour.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm like, telling you how German I am. And then I'm like, hey, you know what, dude? The Japanese were just as bad. Look into it, dude. Look into unit 731. They were real scumbags. They killed like a hundred people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what happened was I've been pretty good on the diet, but I started drinking, getting hammered, want these spots. And then all, Dude, I realized, like, throughout the course of 20 minutes, I ate an entire, like family size bag that my aunt and uncle had out for the family of ruffles potato chips and another family sized bag of M and M's.

[Tom Segura]

Ooh, Ruffles.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ruffles. Just plain potato chips. Plain, plain. And then to try to wash it all off, I was like, all right, you know what? I'm not gonna have a cheeseburger.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so. And then, but then it kind of, I was like, you're not gonna have a cheeseburger. You gotta pay. And then it got to, all right, have a burger and no cheese. And then it got to just have the meat. And then it got to, you know what? It's 4th of July. It's a holiday. Just have a double cheeseburger, extra ketchup and whatever. And then I was like, maybe I'll just go walk a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then we, and then let's go walk to this fourth of July celebration.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it just went off the rails, dude. And I literally woke up July 5th being like, you absolute. This was supposed to be America's birthday.

[Tom Segura]

And look what you did to your body.

[Chris DiStefano]

What about you?

[Tom Segura]

You're disgusting. Yeah, I love, I mean, fourth of July, great. I will say fourth of July is the one time that the rest of America shits on New York City.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Right. I love New York. Best city. I, I, you know, I'll never leave here. I love living here. You know, I have, I have a place in Baltimore for my, you know, visit my family.

[Chris DiStefano]

Beautiful place.

[Tom Segura]

I love it here. Yeah, yeah, you were, you were there. I love it here. But I will say 4th of July is a total suburbs, backyard, 100 pools, shitty pool, just got the chlorine in, you know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't want to be on a rooftop in Williamsburg.

[Tom Segura]

There's a hundred, you know, there's like 40 people you're fucking, you know, you're like this. They're passing around like artisan sausages. I want a shitty dog. I want burgers that were fucking frozen.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, right.

[Tom Segura]

This can't be high quality meat. Yeah, I want to eat four. I want to eat four shitty burgers. Yeah, I want to eat one, maybe, maybe nine hot dogs throughout the day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I mean like a hot dog the way, like the way like you'd eat hors d' oeuvres at a wedding. I want to eat hot dogs.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I eat hot dogs like they're pigs on the blanket on fourth of July.

[Chris DiStefano]

But chilling on a, on, on, on a, in a lawn or on a backyard. Buy a pool.

[Tom Segura]

Cannonball in a shitty, shitty pool.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude, I gotta go. I don't wanna walk up your sixth floor.

[Tom Segura]

Walk up in Green Point. I need the kind of pool that this, the guy who owned it is. So he's leveraged up to his eyeball. He took a second mortgage for this pool.

[Chris DiStefano]

He can't afford it.

[Tom Segura]

He thought it would make his wife love him again.

[Chris DiStefano]

Again.

[Tom Segura]

He's going to lose the house. We don't know. This is a going away party, right? This fourth of July barbecue. But that's the vibe.

[Chris DiStefano]

I want what you want then what you want? I've only went once. You want, what you want to do is go to Paul Verze's house. Dude, Paul Verzes back.

[Tom Segura]

I've been to Verze's house.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fourth of July party though. That's the one. I God willing to get the invite next year.

[Tom Segura]

I love to do that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, it gets so crazy that instead of the cops and firemen coming to shut it down down, they just go there preemptively and join in. Yeah, so, so, so as soon as the neighbors start calling the cops and farming, they're like, no, no, we know we're making sure it's safe because we actually can't stop it.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Chris DiStefano]

It's like a 55 minute respect, dude. And then what happens is it's just in conjunction. Everyone starts singing the national anthem. It just happens.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you start singing it on repeat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, that, I mean that, that does make patriotic. That's when it's like when some. And that's. I'm not. I'm not saying this about version, but it's. But it's like that is another beautiful thing. The fireworks display is like. There's some straight men that are so repressed that it's their only form of expression is like getting illegal fireworks and putting together the sickest. They think about it all year. They're like, I have to have the best one. And there is something beautiful about. It's like how parades used to be awesome in the 30s. Cause every closeted gay guy. It was the only time you could think of fabulous outfits. I think I'm happy for gay liberation. But you have to admit, parades in America have really dipped in quiet, you know, since gay people were allowed to be out of the closet.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that's. The fireworks display is sort of like that for a guy who won't talk about his feelings. Right. Feels inadequate as a man, you know what I mean? His life is passing him by. His cholesterol is 300. He's not responding to statins.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This might be his last fucking summer. He needs to fucking spend fourteen hundred dollars on illegal Pennsylvania fireworks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

There's nothing more beautiful.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm going down to the Delaware Water Gap. I'm going to have these empty 80s. I'm going to show you that I'm alive.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to the Joe Biden Memorial Firework, you know, stand. And buying them. And buying them tax free.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Do you think? So what is your going off Burt's question? Because this is one we can get into. What do you think? What's your favorite American holiday?

[Tom Segura]

I do think fourth of July is the best. It's not even close. In my opinion. You know, the holidays are fine. Thanksgiving, Christmas, classic stuff, whatever. But 4th of July really is the one. And by. By the way, Greece won the euro cup on 4th of July. At this point, maybe 20 years. It was 2004, so 21 years ago. So I literally had the best 4th of July in my life when I was 14. Is that that long ago? No, 14 years. Holy fuck.

[Chris DiStefano]

Are you 34?

[Tom Segura]

I'm 36. I was 6.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. So in 2004. It's 21 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

15.

[Chris DiStefano]

You were 15? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Damn old, dude. The reaper's coming for us.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's crazy, dude. Dude, wait until you hit 40. It's like it blows your mind like I'm 40.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like I've been 40 since I was 30. You know what I, like, when I turned 29, I was 40. Like, I'm the. I'm the kind of guy. 40 is going to be my peak, right? Like, I haven't even gotten to where I need to be as of, you know, having like diner owner physiognomy. It's like 40 is where I peak, you know, 40 to 54. And then it's going to be a quick, quick dip down to the, down to the hundred percent.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm going to Crush those next 12 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude, you're not getting it. You're get. You're. You will. You're going in a wheelchair.

[Tom Segura]

Happily, by the way. Like, I'm going to try and keep it together. Together. Maybe have a family. Maybe be like an uncle until my nephew, you know, my brother just had a kid. I want to be around until they're like, you know, adult. Like in their mid-20s. After that, dude, I'm getting so fat, I'm eating apple pie with every. I'm having pie after every meal. I'm treating my life like it's Thanksgiving weekend right after, you know, maybe 55.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. I mean, it's.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that is whittling my dick. Hasn't worked in a decade.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, it doesn't matter, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

That's how it should be. You should go out a big sexless blob. It's just watching television, you know what I mean? Watching your favorite movies, eating like shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that'll get you, actually, I think. Cause I was saying before, I was in Salt Lake City and I saw this old dude, this group of old guys, they all, every single one of them. I mean, these guys were old. Like 80s, 90s. They look like decrepit old, but they were all talking. They were all wearing their fricking fisherman hats and they're veteran hats. And they. All of them had double chocolate chip muffins. Open face toasted with butter.

[Tom Segura]

Butter muffin. Now that's gonna make me start crying. Yeah, that's actually patriotic. How fat America is, is the most patriotic, I feel.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because we other countries can't even consider the damage we do to ourselves at a buffet.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Something they don't even have a concept of do.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, like, even in America, like our blood pressure, like standard 120 over 80. Cholesterol, they want it to be under 200. These are like the numbers. If you have these numbers in America, they're like grapes job guys in France, if you had the numbers that they're. We're applauding here, they would put you in the emergency room immediately. Like, if Your cholesterol's over 100 in France, they're like, what are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

Quick, get this guy a cigarette and have him have an affair with an underage teenager. You know what I mean? Like, that'll. That'll cure him. Yeah, feed him a baguette somehow, and they'll be healthier than us.

[Chris DiStefano]

But he told me, this guy, I. I literally. I couldn't believe. Because I see these older guys and I walked up and I was like, sir, I just want to ask, like, you're eating this muffin, you know, like, how are you eating this muffin at your age? Like, what is it? And he goes. He literally has almost, like, was preparing for this question. He goes, do you know what the difference is between my generation and your generation, son? I said, what? He goes, you're gonna eat the muffin? And then stress all day about eating the muffin. He goes, I eat the muffin. I enjoy the muffin. And then I move on and forget about the muffin. So my stress, he was like, the thing that's killing you ain't the muffin. It's the stress about the muffin.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Which, by the way, what the fuck? It does that guy now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I know.

[Tom Segura]

He just won a genetic lottery.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody knows shit. You really are one of the most gullible guys of all time. You're fucking putting Chinese powders in your shit. You're being. Some old guy told me he's not stressing over the muffin, and that's. And now you're trying not to be stressed. You will stress.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[Tom Segura]

You'll never not stress. I feel like you're a nervous guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just have to get out of. So what is it then? How do I. You think? I just have to be. I just have to radically accept that this is who I am, which.

[Tom Segura]

That's another thing you're into now. Radical. Radical acceptance. I never heard you say radical acceptance. For the 10 years we've known each other, you've said it four times in this hour. So that's another new thing you're into, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Radical acceptance. Proclaim your rarity.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even know that one. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I think probably just eating a little better. And you're stressed because you've moved. You've pretended you're not married for a decade instead of just getting married. Married and building a life with who is clearly your life. Partner.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

You have children with. Yes, you're stressed because you change addresses every six months. You know what I mean? Like, you. There is something you do need to just accept that your life is pretty sick and stop trying to. You keep trying to like, bite off more than you can chew for no reason, because your life rules. You have hit a lottery. Like with the amount of. Fuck both of us. With the amount of hard work and talent we've had, how much money we make is fucked up crazy. Like, it is crazy. Like, the only reason people shouldn't kill us in the streets is because they should be killing Jeff Bezos in the streets. Like, he. The fact that there's an ultra rich class who, like that cocksucker made a $50 million. You know, Amazon drivers are pissing in fucking Gatorade bottles to make their deliveries. Cuz, you know, you ordered a Frisbee, right? And God forbid it doesn't get there in a day and a half or else that guy's getting fired, the Amazon shock collar is gonna go off on the driver. And fucking Jeff Bezos had a $50 million wedding. That's why. That's who they should, you know, kill and stuff. But if it wasn't for them podcasters, we don't deserve anything that we have. You know what I mean? Like, no, we got so lucky. So it's like, yeah, dude, just enjoy how cool your life is. Just get a nice house. Stop trying to fucking move and get the perfect. Just set your route like you do need to. Actually, radicals might be good for you because it's like, your life's pretty good. Stop trying to fucking and bite off more than you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that's. Well, that's what I think. Since I've been practicing radical, I've been. That's why I think it. Because my favorite holiday, by the way, is January 6th.

[Tom Segura]

Were you mad when the silver. You were mad Trump got elected. You're like, well, no, January 6th this year.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm bringing it up because, you know, what happened is. So I had the engagement ring for my. For Jasmine for like months, dude. I had it. And I was just like, couldn't pull the trigger. Couldn't pull the trigger. And then it's a random Monday morning, it's like 7am the kids are getting ready for school. I'm downstairs, it's January 6th of this year, and I'm watching the news and they're talking about January 6th.

[Tom Segura]

And I just got a day.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I just get this calm over me where I say, no matter what, everything's gonna be okay. This nation, this marriage, will endure. And I literally go. I tell my steps when I go, hey, get the ring. So he goes up there and gets it.

[Tom Segura]

He puts his Viking helmet on. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He goes up there and gets it. And then literally, I made the decision at 7am By 7:15, we were fully engaged in the living room on a Monday morning. I had all the kids sitting on the couch. So I actually did it in a way where it was cool. All the kids were there sitting on the couch. I had my stepson record the whole thing and wound up recording the top of our heads, but I had him record the whole thing. And then Jaz is in the kitchen, like, making breakfast.

[Tom Segura]

I love that it's next to your stomach. Stepson screen recorded pornography probably. He's like. He's like, next to your camera roll. Like, the most touching moment of your life is like some girl on TikTok shaking her ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Some streamer, having a nip slip. That's his saved videos.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So. But anyway, just next to his text, his group chat about how much he hates his stepdad. Just thinks this guy absolutely sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. But so we're sitting there, and then I'm like, hey, Jazz is, like, making, you know, breakfast, like, being a mom. Like, dude, a mom. A month. A month. Monday. Think about this. January 6th. First day back from school after full Christmas break. So she is in, like, the kids are not getting up. Mom mode has been, like, deactivated for two weeks. She is abs. She's exhausted. I gotta make lunch for all three kids. None of them want the food that they. That.

[Tom Segura]

The monk is saying he has to focus on pod. He can't help out. God forbid he make a bologna sandwich. He's thinking of riffs for Giannis right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm like, hang on. I have to jog and meditate at the same time.

[Tom Segura]

I'm doing radical acceptance. I've accepted. I'll never help you with anything. Yeah, yeah, you should too. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm literally not helping. I'm snorting Berberine off the coffee table. So she's. I'm like, hey. Like, I got. I'm like, down on one knee in the living room with the ring, and I'm yelling. I'm like, jaz, come on, can you come in here for a second? And she's screaming at me. She's like, chris, I cannot. I have to make all the breakfast for the kids. You didn't do the dishes last night. She's like, did you get their school uniforms laid out? I'm like, they're not gonna wear the uniforms today, babe. And so. And she's like, chris, I'm not. And then she's like cursing at me in Spanish. It's like all off camera. And then she walks in, I'm just standing there, like with the ring. And she, you know, obviously was like, so happy. My daughter was like, we're finally gonna be a family.

[Tom Segura]

Good God, the fucking, the therapy you've caused these kids, your daughters, what they think a husband should be. You are fucked, by the way. I can't wait to see who they start dating. Which non committal fucking idiots they fucking start dating.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, so I, well, the thing, the kind of lie that I've convinced myself is the truth that I've told my oldest daughter is like, well, the reason why I wait is cause I wanted you, my oldest daughter, to have memories of the wedding.

[Tom Segura]

Hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that's why I waited. When it's really just like daddy just needed to kind of get to a place where he just radically accepted life. And also to make sure that, you.

[Tom Segura]

Know, his cholesterol's so high, he's realizing health wise, he couldn't do better. Even though financially you're doing well at this point, you wouldn't find a woman who would. So, you know, you need someone who's gonna change your catheter.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean? In a couple years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that you, you realize that's where you are now.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know. Like, I tell my family, like after we get engaged, I'm like, we're gonna do the, the, the wedding, you know, on this date. And my daughter and my family is like, finally, we're gonna be settled. I was like, it's gonna be great. I was like, I've also put an offering on a new house. They were like, wait, what? I thought we're gonna be settled. I was like, we're closing. We're closing in a month.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it's got the yard, it's got. And this is what it is. But my therapist actually did tell me last week, she was like, you know, I gotta be honest. She was like, over the last year, she was like, the commitments that you've made to your fiance, to buying a home, to staying on top of your health. She's like, we are all pretty proud of you.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I was like, thank you.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, thank you. And she was like, all right, that should keep him on the hook for another two years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Two years.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I Can't believe I fucking. I've milked him this long.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I know.

[Tom Segura]

He hasn't made progress in a decade.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I always behaving the way a 30 year old should. He's 40. What?

[Chris DiStefano]

I always think, like, I have like this great therapist and then they'd always re. And then I'm always reminded that maybe they're not because they, they asked me to pay them through Venmo. So I'm like, I'm just Venmoing some lady.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Some lady just sitting in her apartment.

[Tom Segura]

The same way you buy ketamine is the way you fucking get therapy. That's beautiful, man. That's a real love story right there. Is you finally, finally getting engaged to the woman you have three children with?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Yeah, to the woman who like, she like, literally, like, like I, for the longest, I was like, yeah, but look, in the will, if anything happened, like, you would inherit everything. Just like you're my wife.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's like, yeah, but I'm not your wife.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it is hilarious. What was the hang up there?

[Chris DiStefano]

Fully full, 100%, not accepting, you know, kind of like thinking you were gonna.

[Tom Segura]

Do better at some point.

[Chris DiStefano]

That. And that's the thing. And then you realize, like, oh, no, no, no. I hit the lotto with her too, and my family. And it's like anything that you want, you're always like searching for like more what's out there. Maybe this could be better. Maybe that could be better. And then it kind of just hit me, I think from literally just being mentally exhausted of like my life is going by and I'm not even understanding any of it or I'm never in the present even. And I said to myself, dude, everything you have is like such a blessing. So just you have a beautiful family, you have a beautiful home, you have a beautiful career. Everything is fine. Just like this is like the life that. Cause I sometimes I think we all think as people, some of us think as people, like, oh, when X happens, I'll be happy. When X happens, when this happens in my career, I'll feel good. And it's like, no life is happening now. It's about the journey.

[Tom Segura]

And this is what Chris Sundays. Then like two weeks, some me too allegations drop. And you're just trying to get ahead of them. You're like, I'm a family man. How could I DM a fucking 19 year old get a tattoo on my neck? Well, that's beautiful, man. And I think that's going to do it for episode one. Of the summer Bears Christenstav take over. We hope you guys had a wonderful time. We hope we haven't lost too many of the sponsors.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

We also don't give a fuck. Fuck you, Tom. You made a big mistake putting two fucking idiots in charge of your podcast. I can't. I wish there was valuations to see how much this drops in six weeks, but we'll find out. We had a blast. Thank you guys for listening. We will be back next week and every week, I think, for the next. We're your Summertime boys.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're Summertime Boys.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, guys. Hope you had fun. And honestly, fucking. If you have shit that you want us to talk about, if you have topics you want to do, if you have, like, is there stuff you want us to, you know, should we look into. To. Should we do a segment every episode where it's like, how would we improve Two Bears, one kid? You know what I mean? Like, is there stuff you want us to do? Is there stuff. Is there things that Burton, Tom have done that you want us to comment on? Do you want us to kill ourselves? That's also another thing. Do you hate this even more than the regular show? That's probably what's going to happen. Because if I listen to a podcast of two guys I liked and then two dickheads I don't know just showed up, I'd be pissed.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're like, okay, this. This is already 2 bears. 1k views are always going down. Already going down. And then you bring in Chris and Stavi and they talk about Berberine for an hour. Now I'm supposed to watch Berberine and Nazis? Yeah, that's the show. What the hell?

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, we don't actually give a fuck either way. We're just here having a good time. We're here with Benson Spoon. We're gonna have a nice summer here. But, yeah, this is. Like we said, we're your fucking. We are your substitute teachers. We're rolling in a movie on that cart every week, every day. And we hope you have a good time. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bert and Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

[Tom Segura]

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.