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This Episode Is Getting Us Fired w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
01:10:16
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- [00:00]
Chris DiStefano
100%. What's up, everybody? Welcome to yet another episode of Two Bears One Cave, aka the Summer Bears. I'm Chris DiStefano. This is Stavros Halikis.
- [00:16]
Stavros Halkias
Halkias.
- [00:16]
Chris DiStefano
Halkias. But I like the.
- [00:18]
Stavros Halkias
I goes after the K. Why? I'm sorry, man.
- [00:22]
Chris DiStefano
It does.
- [00:22]
Stavros Halkias
I don't know. I don't know. You take it up with my ancestors.
- [00:26]
Chris DiStefano
We got Josh Zolo, AKA Benson Spoon on the ones and twos. He looks like Benson Boone going through estrogen therapy.
- [00:34]
Stavros Halkias
One month into hrt. Yeah, dude. Softer Benson for sure. Oh, we should. I would kill to see Josh attempt a backflip. Oh, my God.
- [00:46]
Chris DiStefano
It would be so great to just. We do these great episodes here in New York, and then Josh just goes back a full paraplegic, and then he finally gets his wish of getting on Kill Tony. Oh, dude. I mean, so this is it. We're here. We're dressed to impress today.
- [01:06]
Stavros Halkias
That's right.
- [01:07]
Chris DiStefano
We both have on our outfits of how we would appear in court. Absolutely.
- [01:11]
Stavros Halkias
Dude.
- [01:11]
Chris DiStefano
No, dude, I got to go to court after this. I got some Christy court dates of disputes.
- [01:17]
Stavros Halkias
You were caught shoplifting women's jorts.
- [01:20]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [01:20]
Stavros Halkias
Because the cut is better for your hips.
- [01:22]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, I was. Well, no, actually, what happened was, is I was caught impersonating a police officer, which normally is okay, but I got caught by the wrong cop, so. So now I have to go appear in court for that. And this is my court outfit.
- [01:34]
Stavros Halkias
That's nuts.
- [01:35]
Chris DiStefano
From head to toe. Is. Everything was purchased at the Queen Center Mall.
- [01:38]
Stavros Halkias
I love that.
- [01:39]
Chris DiStefano
I got. We got a Queen center from Zar.
- [01:42]
Stavros Halkias
Alani.
- [01:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yes. That looks like.
- [01:43]
Stavros Halkias
That looks like Alani.
- [01:45]
Chris DiStefano
This is Alani. These jeans are guess. Oh, yep. I got the boots down here.
- [01:51]
Stavros Halkias
Chelsea boots.
- [01:52]
Chris DiStefano
Chelsea boots. Probably from Foot Locker.
- [01:54]
Stavros Halkias
Yep.
- [01:55]
Chris DiStefano
And this is just. But honestly, because you can't go into a Queens district court, like, too fancy. Then they'll know you're like. Then they'll know you're guilty.
- [02:04]
Stavros Halkias
Who does this guy think he is?
- [02:06]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [02:06]
Stavros Halkias
You got a necktie on.
- [02:08]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. What are you doing? Like, I'm coming dressed as, like, this is how we would all dress at, like, you know, going to our cousin's christenings at the Knights of Columbus.
- [02:16]
Stavros Halkias
Sure.
- [02:16]
Chris DiStefano
You know, off Queens Boulevard. So this is what I feel like a Queens county district judge wants to see. Like, this guy is just being. This is him, like, in a tuxedo.
- [02:26]
Stavros Halkias
Of course. Yes, absolutely.
- [02:28]
Chris DiStefano
Because if you come in an actual tuxedo suit, they're gonna be like, what? All right, now You're.
- [02:31]
Stavros Halkias
Well, tuxedo's insane. Yeah, it's like stepbrothers, where you're like, you know, they don't understand what a suit is. That would be awesome. You come in. In the top hat.
- [02:40]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. Have you ever been in court? Like, have you ever had to, like, get, like, cross examined?
- [02:44]
Stavros Halkias
No, no, never. No, never have. How many times have you been?
- [02:47]
Chris DiStefano
Actually, this is my second time.
- [02:49]
Stavros Halkias
Okay, that's not so bad.
- [02:50]
Chris DiStefano
It's pretty nuts, too, because it's like, they, like, you think it's easy. Cause, like, we talk for a living and, like, we can handle situations. But then, like, when you're out there and, like, a professional lawyer is catching you in every lie possible.
- [03:03]
Stavros Halkias
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
- [03:05]
Chris DiStefano
And they keep reminding you, like, you are committing perjury.
- [03:07]
Stavros Halkias
You're under oath. And then they bring your girlfriend over to ask you if you were actually texting your boy Steven the other day or that's somebody else. Why do you have a Snapchat? And let's remind you, you're under oath, Mr. DiStefano. Is it really for marketing purposes? Are you really plugging dates on Snapchat, Mr. DiStefano?
- [03:26]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, you know, I, I so. And it gets hard, but I think I'm prepared for this one. I know what I'm gonna say and that. What I'm gonna say for the net for an hour.
- [03:38]
Stavros Halkias
I don't know who put that hard drive in my RAV4.
- [03:41]
Chris DiStefano
I'm just gonna literally have the hand on the Bible the whole time and go, I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. I plead the Fifth. Yeah.
- [03:49]
Stavros Halkias
So the first time you were in court, it was never criminal, right? These are.
- [03:53]
Chris DiStefano
No, no, no. The first time I was in court, I was actually getting sued over a physical therapy thing.
- [03:59]
Stavros Halkias
Really? That's right. I as a physical therapist, and it.
- [04:02]
Chris DiStefano
Wasn'T even me, actually, that, like, I just had to go as, like, what do they call, like, a character witness? It was my boss who was getting sued because he was, I think, fully committing medical malpractice.
- [04:11]
Stavros Halkias
Really?
- [04:12]
Chris DiStefano
And so they just had. They were basically. It was.
- [04:14]
Stavros Halkias
What was he up to?
- [04:15]
Chris DiStefano
He's just being Russian. Yeah, that's what those guys do.
- [04:18]
Stavros Halkias
So he's, like, jerking off a kid with no Parkinson's. He's like, this will. This will solve. Yeah, Just holding his hand there. The kids park and just getting his dick jerked. Yeah. If you jerk off a guy with. Could you just hold your hand straight? The Parkinson's would do it for you.
- [04:37]
Chris DiStefano
You don't have to do anything.
- [04:38]
Stavros Halkias
Just oil up your palm and let him fucking convulse.
- [04:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude, he was just teabagging every patient he thought was Ukrainian. So. But no, because what happened was, is what a lot of these guys. If you have ever looked at your insurance bills, if you ever had to go to whatever doctor, physical therapy, you know, they kind of sometimes bill. It's all codes. They sometimes bill these insurance companies, like you have come in and like, okay, yeah, knee pain, whatever. But then they'll like something crazy where the insurance companies sometimes don't even look, and they'll pay the therapist more money. But you didn't have that injury.
- [05:11]
Stavros Halkias
Gotcha. Gotcha.
- [05:12]
Chris DiStefano
Right? So they'll inflate stuff to make more money. I think he was doing that. And they basically just asked me, they're like, did you ever see him, like, doing anything, like inflating, you know, records and all that? And I was just like, no, I have not seen. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he told me because he. I think he was like Russian mafia. So he just. I'm saying plead the fifth. He's like, you just plead the fifth.
- [05:33]
Stavros Halkias
That's self incrimination. Well, he was allowed to.
- [05:36]
Chris DiStefano
I don't know. That's what he told me to do. And then, and then the. But the lawyer, then the lawyer. Overall lawyers, like the legal team were like, we're gonna ask you, like, you're not even big enough in this case to even be cross examined. So, like, will, you'll come up as like a character witness for him, saying he's a good guy. So like, just, we're gonna ask you like softball questions. And they were like, you know, was he. Was he always nice to you? Yes. You know, did you ever. And all these things.
- [06:01]
Stavros Halkias
So interesting.
- [06:02]
Chris DiStefano
But it was, it was, it was fun. Fun to be out there. And now here I am again. And I wore the same outfit. Actually, no, the last outfit I had, I came dressed as a physical therapist. I had on khakis. I had like a pen.
- [06:14]
Stavros Halkias
Scrubs.
- [06:14]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [06:15]
Stavros Halkias
Interesting. How long did you do that? How long were you a physical therapist?
- [06:17]
Chris DiStefano
I was a physical therapist. I got my license. So what happened is I literally passed my physical therapy licensing exam. July. I think it was July 15, 2010. So July 15, 2010, I'm a fully licensed physical therapist. July 25, 2010, just 10 days later, I do my first open mic at the creek in the cave.
- [06:38]
Stavros Halkias
Wow.
- [06:38]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. So I literally was a licensed physical therapist for 10 days, saying, this is what my life's gonna be. I'm Committed to this craft. And then 10 days later, I was like, let's do a full about face and go see Rebecca Trent at the.
- [06:50]
Stavros Halkias
Creek in the Cave. I got tired of massaging the developmentally disabled. Ten days of that, and I'm like, nah, I gotta have some of the worst Mexican food ever served in the world and do some of the shittiest open mics.
- [07:01]
Chris DiStefano
One of the craziest things I've ever seen. Now we could say, because it's not even a place anymore.
- [07:04]
Stavros Halkias
No, it's in Texas now. And it is great now.
- [07:06]
Chris DiStefano
It is great. The Creek in the Cave. This is not the Creek in the Cave in Austin. In Austin.
- [07:10]
Stavros Halkias
It's a great creek.
- [07:11]
Chris DiStefano
Creek in the Cave in New York. Not there anymore.
- [07:14]
Stavros Halkias
It's probably condos for Korean, rich Koreans.
- [07:17]
Chris DiStefano
Like, but remember, they had that Mexican restaurant there. Dude, me and Mike Cannon saw this. We're walking, dude, we're walking down to go do an open mic. Like 2011, it's the middle of August. It's like 100 degrees, full humidity. It's like, you're in Vietnam, right? You are just like, dripping sweat. Me and Mike, we're like, almost like we're delirious. And we're walking and do this open mic at like 5 o' clock in the afternoon, whatever. And we see this rat, okay, that must have eaten, like, some kind of poison because it's like, out. It's like out on the sidewalk. Like, not scared, not scurrying. It's just like trudging along, you know, just like awful, like bloated. It has, like, spots all over it. So you're like, you know that this thing ate something and it's like.
- [07:59]
Stavros Halkias
And his life is coming to an end.
- [08:01]
Chris DiStefano
So we literally see this thing and me and Mike are like, what the hell? And so we literally, like. I think Mike was actually going to, like, pull out his phone to, like, record it. And then out of nowhere, we see a guy. We think he came from the Mexican restaurant that was attached to the creek.
- [08:13]
Stavros Halkias
Yes.
- [08:13]
Chris DiStefano
He come, like, you know, old school Mexican guy, whatever, has a butcher knife. Takes the butcher knife and fucking pierces this rat right in front of us. Like a shish kebab, dude. Like a dude. The thing is like this, like a shish kabob. Takes his dish towel and knocks it off into the public garbage can, wipes the knife down with the dish towel and goes back into the back of the kitchen. And we were like, oh, my God.
- [08:39]
Stavros Halkias
Fuck, I got quesadillas from there, man.
- [08:41]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude, and we don't know. Like, we still to this day are like, did that actually happen? Or are we, like, hallucinating?
- [08:46]
Stavros Halkias
We had a fever dream. Sure, sure, sure.
- [08:48]
Chris DiStefano
But we were like, dude, that was the craziest thing we've ever seen. And that's when I was a physical therapist still. And I was doing. Simultaneously, I was doing physical therapy in the morning with the developmentally disabled children. Dude, one day I literally. I'm in there cheating the kids, whatever, and then I go into the bathroom, and we all had to use, like, there was no adult bathroom in the public school I worked at. Everything was like, the low little urinal.
- [09:10]
Stavros Halkias
Squat down for the little urinal.
- [09:12]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. So I'm peeing in. They did have one stall. So I'm like, peeing in the stall, and then all of a sudden, I see a look over the stall. And again, this is another time. I think I'm hallucinating because I had no air conditioning in these schools. I look over and I see Stephen Colbert peeing in the little urinal. And I was like.
- [09:28]
Stavros Halkias
I was like, what's his hog look like? Yeah, you see that piece, dude? Fucking nice. Yeah, Colbert's packing, dude. 100%.
- [09:35]
Chris DiStefano
Dude. There's a Ukrainian flag. So he goes. So I go, I'm literally peeing, like, in the stall looking at him. I go, I was like, are you Stephen Colbert? And he goes, yes, I am. And I was like, what are you doing here?
- [09:49]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah.
- [09:50]
Chris DiStefano
And then he was like, oh, I'm giving, like, a talk to the teachers. Like, some, like, you know, New York City funded. Sure, sure thing. And then it was like, oh, I just started doing open mic stand up.
- [09:59]
Stavros Halkias
Comedy with your dick out, dude.
- [10:01]
Chris DiStefano
My dick out? Dude, The. The. He zipped up his pants.
- [10:04]
Stavros Halkias
So, like, he's pissed. He just pisses himself. He's like, not worth this conversation is not worth it. I'm gonna piss all over my trap.
- [10:10]
Chris DiStefano
Like Ben Stiller and something about Mary, like, just zipped up. And, dude, he flew out of that store. And then I realized that was, like, the first one. I was like, never, ever, ever tell, like a real comedian, of course, that you're. Because. And I couldn't believe it. And so. And so it's crazy.
- [10:26]
Stavros Halkias
Also, you're also a grown man in a children's bathroom.
- [10:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [10:29]
Stavros Halkias
He's got a reason to be there. He just sees some fucking whop with his dick out in a child's bath. Like, yo, Colbert, I just started doing fucking comedy. Yeah, let me do five on the Colbert Report. Yeah, it's about how my wife's a fucking whore.
- [10:44]
Chris DiStefano
You know, Andrew Dice Clay.
- [10:47]
Stavros Halkias
It's kind of a modern take on the Dice man, but more racist.
- [10:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I changed marry Miss Muffet to Jack and Jill. And so. And so I realized then, dude, by the way, I used to do that all the time. Like, I would. I would never kind of say. Because one of the routes to start comedy is like, oh, open mics, or bring your shows, whatever Giannis showed me. And you just forget on Facebook, in, like, 2011, when Giannis was, like, doing, like, you know, he was like, big. He was doing Maurice or whatever. I messaged him and I was like, hey, you know, I know you don't know me, or whatever. I was like, wow, really? Yeah. I was like, you don't know me. I was like, but, you know, I'd love to come work for you. I can carry the speakers in and out of the clubs.
- [11:28]
Stavros Halkias
Just the way a child thinks comedy works.
- [11:30]
Chris DiStefano
A working class dirt bag. Instead of saying, can I open for you? I'll carry the equipment. And then maybe I could do five minutes.
- [11:37]
Stavros Halkias
I am very good with wires, Mr. Pappas. Yeah, I can plug the wires into the right speakers. Believe me, you will never have a speaker clearer in your life.
- [11:46]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, Bang. I get good deals. And then, so I was doing physical therapy, burning the candle at both ends. And then I got on Guy Code, and then I started, which was a big show on MTV at the time. And then what happened? Here's the thing, though, like, with Guy Code, right? It was like a lot of younger people watching, like, high school, college kids. But the thing is, is, like, you know, you always hear about, like, you know. Cause the kids I work with mentally and physically disabled.
- [12:09]
Stavros Halkias
So it was about the same level of intelligence on Guy Code. It was about the same IQ levels as the producers and writers of geico, as the children that you were doing physical therapy for.
- [12:21]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, it's cerebral palsy, yo.
- [12:22]
Stavros Halkias
If a wears a skirt, does that mean you can her geico?
- [12:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yo, what's the GEICO to hide in your boner? You talking behind that belt loop.
- [12:35]
Stavros Halkias
She's asking for it. If you can see a bra straps, geico.
- [12:40]
Chris DiStefano
So. So they. They. But. But a lot of the kids, parents, because a lot of. Because what happens is, like, you think, oh, children have disabilities, like, because older moms, which is true, but also younger moms, because they'll be 14, they don't have proper prenatal care. They don't even know they're pregnant. So they give Birth to a child who's got some kind of disability.
- [12:58]
Stavros Halkias
So that kid's been weaned on fucking hot Takis in Arizona iced tea. It has no nutrition whatsoever.
- [13:05]
Chris DiStefano
Zero.
- [13:06]
Stavros Halkias
Like a 14 year old eats like honey buns for fucking breakfast. I remember my diet when I was 14.
- [13:11]
Chris DiStefano
Awful.
- [13:12]
Stavros Halkias
Just, just fries they would serve in my cafeteria. Plus like fucking, you know, disgusting. Yeah.
- [13:17]
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- [14:34]
Stavros Halkias
What's everybody?
- [14:36]
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- [17:19]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. And then drinking Maltas when they're two, so it has alcohol in it. So a lot of the moms, the young moms and young dads would come to pick up their kids or like, you know, have to meet like their, their child's physical therapist and be like, ain't you that motherfucker from Geico?
- [17:35]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah.
- [17:36]
Chris DiStefano
Yo, I saw you on Geico.
- [17:37]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [17:37]
Chris DiStefano
And so I started to get recognized and the teacher, the principle of the school is like, hey, you can't be doing physical therapy with mentally and physically disabled children and then be moonlighting as a comedian on guy Code where they're, you're talking about hiding the boner. You know, is it okay to have sex with your, you know, your girlfriend's sister? Yeah, like these are the episodes that she was watching.
- [17:56]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. You're doing too much riffing about threesomes with John Gabris for our liking.
- [18:02]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. She was like, you know, like, you what? What's the guy kotav fun at a funeral? None of this is okay. So she says to me, she's like, oh, you. I'm gonna give you, like an ultimatum right now. Like, you either have to quit comedy or quit or leave as a physical therapist. If you want to continue doing comedy, then you have to leave pt. You have to. And I was like, what the hell?
- [18:23]
Stavros Halkias
So like, in that moment, I'm an artist, bitch. Yeah, I'm on guy code.
- [18:28]
Chris DiStefano
I said, yeah, you know, I said, even though you're giving me, you know, at the time, great money, $60,000, you're giving me full benefits. I have a doctorate degree that I work so hard to get. Four and a half, three and a half years postgraduate. Four years. So seven and a half years of school. Even though you're giving me all that, I'm telling you right now, I'm quitting and going to the creek in the cave.
- [18:48]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. I get paid $20 a slur on guy code.
- [18:53]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that. I literally am. I'm going to sign up for an open mic at the Laugh Lounge right now, bitch.
- [19:01]
Stavros Halkias
I'm doing a non union talking head show.
- [19:03]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [19:04]
Stavros Halkias
But I will say that was huge. I do feel like it launched hilarious. Like Schultz was on that. Like so many people.
- [19:10]
Chris DiStefano
Charlamagne, Lil Duvall, Nicole Byer, Awkwafina, Akash Gabris. Like we talked about Dan Soder.
- [19:16]
Stavros Halkias
Soder, you know, a lot of talent. I mean, one of the stupidest shows of all time, of course, but insane. And don't get me wrong, I'm an open micro in Baltimore.
- [19:25]
Chris DiStefano
Being like, how the fuck do I get a guy code?
- [19:28]
Stavros Halkias
I gotta fucking figure this out, man.
- [19:30]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, so it was big. And then so I quit. I quit physical therapy. But now, interesting what happened is sometimes, you know, the pandemic taketh away and the pandemic giveth. So what happened with me is my license fully lapsed. Oh, wow. Cause I stopped doing comedy. I stopped doing physical therapy in 2013. So seven years later, it's 2020, and they go, Andrew Cuomo, the governor at the time, reinstated everyone's healthcare license, like when it was a pandemic crisis. So I just got a fricking letter in the mail, like, welcome back, welcome back. Even though I haven't done anything in seven years. And I was like, I'll go out there and start killing patients accidentally.
- [20:11]
Stavros Halkias
Damn, dude. So could you give me a real nice massage?
- [20:14]
Chris DiStefano
100%. That's the thing is I'm Dr. Massage, episode three.
- [20:17]
Stavros Halkias
I need a massage.
- [20:18]
Chris DiStefano
I'll do it. I was thinking we should do it.
- [20:20]
Stavros Halkias
From a massage table. I'll be laying down. You're massaging me. And that's episode three. You're oiling me up, dude.
- [20:27]
Chris DiStefano
Spoon, spoon, if you're listening, you've got to get us a massage.
- [20:31]
Stavros Halkias
Massage table, episode three.
- [20:33]
Chris DiStefano
That would be funny too, for me to like, for the first patient I've worked on in like 10 years that also isn't a child. Yeah, Me just absolute. Like you telling me the injuries and me moving your limb the complete wrong way by accident.
- [20:46]
Stavros Halkias
Yes. Shattering my elbow. I do have a fucked up shoulder. I could use some, you know, and some back pain. I'd love a massage. The problem I have with the massage is I've never not wanted to get jerked off during it. Even at a physical therapist. Even I go and get these legitimate sports massages, right? And it's. We're not in a private room. It's like, you know, bright lighting, overhead lighting, and like, like it's like, you know, just painful. Nothing erotic about it whatsoever. There's no lotions, there's no nothing. And I was like, if this lady started jerking me off, I wouldn't be. I'd be a little surprised. Cause the receptionist is right there. And there's another. There's a, you know, there's an elderly woman getting her fucking knee worked on on the table next to us. But like, if she just put a little towel over it and was like, this is part of it. Like, I just think. And by the way, why. I don't understand why. It's a happy ending. It should be the happy beginning, right? Cause now I'm not stressed. Now I'm relaxed. Now I'm not thinking of the. Otherwise I'm thinking about getting jerked off the whole time. Even if I'm getting like cupping and it's painful. I'm like, if there was. If there's a milking table and you just cut a little, that's how they should do it.
- [21:55]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [21:55]
Stavros Halkias
Milking table. You're laying down and they just. And it's not sexual at all. It's purely. I feel like I would be more dude relaxed.
- [22:02]
Chris DiStefano
I'm like envisioning you in like a full neck brace. Like, you know, like me all messed up in the physical therapy clinic. Like the Back of a New York sports club, you just get massaged by some old lady, rock hard.
- [22:13]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah.
- [22:14]
Chris DiStefano
Just absolutely. You know, I've never.
- [22:15]
Stavros Halkias
A strong Hispanic man. And I'm like, I really don't want you to jerk me off, dude.
- [22:19]
Chris DiStefano
The best are the Filipinos. Like, in physical therapy, they have, like, this guy. This guy. Hands, dude, Little hands. He was like, we can. They can get into every nook and cranny. And it's true, dude. The best massages. Even in massage. Even in physical therapy school, and they would teach us massages. It was always like some Filipino, small Filipino instructor that would just get in there and, like, move your organs around. Yeah, I've never gotten happy. I think.
- [22:42]
Stavros Halkias
Have you ever gotten one by accident, legitimately? I did one time. I don't want to tell the story because it's like I'm. It's like doing your own bit on stage. But I did by accident get. Because I was getting these sports massages and that and like, the tour I was doing two years ago when I was like, you know, I was truly 5 7, 350 pounds. Like, I was so fat.
- [23:05]
Chris DiStefano
And like, what are you now?
- [23:06]
Stavros Halkias
I'm 285. Ooh, skinny mini. Yeah, yeah, skinny.
- [23:10]
Chris DiStefano
That is significant weight loss.
- [23:11]
Stavros Halkias
It's significant weight loss, but it's like.
- [23:12]
Chris DiStefano
Come on, you know what I mean?
- [23:14]
Stavros Halkias
Like, when I tell people I've lost. I guess I haven't done the math, but I guess that's £70. People like you. You squint when you hear that. You're like, you lost 70 pounds. So there was this plus 70, and it's like, it is fucked up, but we're getting there. The march to two XL shirts.
- [23:33]
Chris DiStefano
We're getting amazing, dude.
- [23:34]
Stavros Halkias
We're getting close. I can put a 2XL on tight.
- [23:37]
Chris DiStefano
Dude, this looks sick, by the way.
- [23:39]
Stavros Halkias
It is 4XL, but thank you.
- [23:40]
Chris DiStefano
Does look good, though.
- [23:42]
Stavros Halkias
I tell. Well, it's an Italian brand, obviously. It's small cut.
- [23:46]
Chris DiStefano
Exactly.
- [23:48]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. This is a slim cut, 4x. But I. So the place I was going had a water main break, and I had to. And I would get these massages because I was so fucking fat that just doing stand up, like, just. Just doing this will hurt my body. Basically, I was just getting. Yeah, you're so fucking fat, you're on airplanes. No, Even first class. I'm like, you know, first class is not comfortable. And I. I started getting first class when I couldn't afford it because I was too fat for the regular seats, you know, now we're doing okay. Thank you. Everybody. Shout it out now. It's a fucking luxury. I'm still too fat for the regular seats, by the way. First class is the only place the seat belts buckle.
- [24:27]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
- [24:29]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. Anyway, and I. This really is two bears. I accidentally talked about being on first class. I'm embarrassed about it. That's the difference, folks. I'm embarrassed that I'm a class trader.
- [24:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [24:43]
Stavros Halkias
One day I'll be back. Don't worry. I'm a Greek. I don't know how to handle my money.
- [24:47]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
- [24:48]
Stavros Halkias
But I. And so my back hurt so much that I needed. I basically needed a jacked Latino man to put my spine into order. And basically, he would, like. He would basically just move my legs around like I was exercising. I was too fat to fucking go on a jog, but I could pay a Latino man to fucking move my hips around.
- [25:09]
Chris DiStefano
Be the bicycle for you.
- [25:10]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would feel okay. I was so fat, I would need to do that every, like, two weeks. And they had a Waterman break. And so I just found a random massage place, and it was a fucking happy ending. And it. It fucking ruined me because now every legitimate massage I get, I'm like, whoa. Because I went into that thinking it was legit.
- [25:28]
Chris DiStefano
Were they, like, all Asian women, though?
- [25:30]
Stavros Halkias
It was, yeah. I mean, it was. But I'm not, you know, I'm like, I'm going in there. I'm like, well, don't be fucking xenophobic. Don't be racist. These people just want their piece of the American pie, you know, I'm sure they're trained professionals, but it was like.
- [25:41]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, I mean, they were.
- [25:42]
Stavros Halkias
It was fucked up.
- [25:43]
Chris DiStefano
So they don't even. Cause I've never even been in the room for it. Like, they just start doing it.
- [25:48]
Stavros Halkias
What do you mean you've never been in the room? I'm saying, what, are you gonna audit a happy ending? It's like the. It's like those. When they do surgery in front of, like, an auditorium where they're like, trainee happy ending givers all watch like, oh, yeah.
- [26:02]
Chris DiStefano
So what do you do? They just roll you over at the end and just start doing it, no questions asked.
- [26:05]
Stavros Halkias
There's some hints that this might be like. I remember being like, huh. Well, she's getting. I've never had a thought. I've never had someone work on my quads and then rub my nuts on the way out.
- [26:18]
Chris DiStefano
You know what I mean?
- [26:19]
Stavros Halkias
There's some hints. I'm like, that was odd.
- [26:22]
Chris DiStefano
There's a few moments where you're like, huh?
- [26:24]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, what's going on here? But truly, I was like.
- [26:28]
Chris DiStefano
Then you just start getting rock, right?
- [26:29]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [26:30]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, you have to.
- [26:31]
Stavros Halkias
It was fucked up. It was like. It was insane.
- [26:33]
Chris DiStefano
Was she relatively decent looking too?
- [26:35]
Stavros Halkias
No, she was old and it was.
- [26:36]
Chris DiStefano
I didn't.
- [26:37]
Stavros Halkias
I was not. That's how good she. She was at jacking me off. I was actually not hard because it's an old woman. And then they start rubbing your nipples. And again, these are. I am not a nipples. That's not. You would look at me. You think I'm fat as shit. Maybe nipples work for me. No. In fact, that's never been my thing. The only time a woman ever touched my nipples, it almost felt like they were making fun of me for being fat.
- [27:00]
Chris DiStefano
Right?
- [27:00]
Stavros Halkias
Like their thing was shaming. Like they had a.
- [27:02]
Chris DiStefano
They're putting ketchup and mustard on them.
- [27:06]
Stavros Halkias
No, it felt like the girl. I've been with girls who legit. Like, fat guy. Like, I remember one time I was on tour and a girl was like. And I wasn't doing. I was, you know, cometown. It was going on, but I wasn't like doing that well. But I assumed it's a mentally ill cometown female listener who just wants to fuck. She came over, dude. She had never heard of cometown. She just. I was just. Cause, you know, I would post naked pictures back in the day. She was a hot woman that loved fat guys. And she was like rubbing my body in a way that was like, arousing. She was rubbing my fat stomach. And I was like, whoa, this is kind of sick. Like, it was like I felt the way, like the way like a hot woman must feel when a guy's like, holy fuck. Like, when I'm like grubbing tits, I'm like, yeah, I turn into a fucking animal. This woman just was like rubbing my stomach. I was like, I could get used to this only woman. The only time that's ever happened in my life.
- [27:55]
Chris DiStefano
One and done with her.
- [27:57]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, one and done. It was a. It was very far away. You know, I was on the road.
- [28:00]
C
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- [29:15]
Stavros Halkias
But then so, and the only other time a woman has played with my nipples, it's been like I've gotten the vibe that she's trying to punt. She's like getting off on shaming me for being fat. Like, it's like, you fucking fat cops. I can like sucking my dick and like pinching my nipples. You like that, you fat piece of shit?
- [29:31]
Chris DiStefano
She's showing you like cheeseburgers and administering pain. Yeah, she's trying to do a technique.
- [29:35]
Stavros Halkias
That like, I feel like I have like, I've definitely done with women who have like eating disorders because I clearly being this fat, is also an eating disorder. It's funny, fat people don't think of it that way, but I 100% have an eating disorder. Like food matters to me. And I have a couple, a lot of people who have it on the. I feel like I have admiration from women that are like, have an eating disorder in the opposite direction. Like, I wish I could eat as much. Or they find it like cool that I don't care how fucking fat I am. Which is also kind of disrespectful. It's like, wow, you're such a fat piece of shit, but you believe in yourself.
- [30:08]
Chris DiStefano
He doesn't even care.
- [30:09]
Stavros Halkias
He doesn't even care.
- [30:10]
Chris DiStefano
Look at that.
- [30:11]
Stavros Halkias
They're attracted to that. Which I'll take. If it gets me head from hot girls, I'll take it. But yes. I've never been a nipples guy. This woman just was a fucking. I don't know what they're teaching in those massage schools, but I was truly harder than I've ever. And it's an old woman that I'm not attracted to. Just kind of fucking, Just playing with them, just right. Just kind of flicking them just right. My day gets hard as shit and I bust insanely fast because I'm. I'm like, what? I'm disoriented. I'm like what the hell's going on here?
- [30:42]
Chris DiStefano
Sneak attack.
- [30:43]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [30:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [30:44]
Stavros Halkias
It was a. Yeah.
- [30:45]
Chris DiStefano
You got Pearl Harbor.
- [30:46]
Stavros Halkias
Not quite Pearl Harbor. Yeah. Oh, before I knew it, I was like, what's going on?
- [30:50]
Chris DiStefano
And then do they have the towel ready? Like, you just blow. Like, how does that. What happens there? You think they get hit ever?
- [30:55]
Stavros Halkias
I don't remember. I mean, again, I'm not. This is. I don't remember where the towel was. I don't remember.
- [31:02]
Chris DiStefano
There's a part of me that wants to try this.
- [31:04]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, well, you. You're getting married literally in like a month.
- [31:08]
Chris DiStefano
Couldn't there. Couldn't there be.
- [31:10]
Stavros Halkias
You just were talking about how you're. You're finally happy. You're like, you're settled, you've accepted everything in your life, and now you're like, well, I should get.
- [31:19]
Chris DiStefano
But are there some cultures where they just allow that?
- [31:22]
Stavros Halkias
I think Japan, the salaryman culture in Japan is very big. Where I've seen a couple viral tiktoks where they'll just man on the street, people and be like, is it cheating to fuck a sex worker? And they'll be like, no, that's like, is it cheating to go to the dentist? Like, they look at it that way. You know what I mean? Dentist is in your mouth. Is that cheating? You know what I mean? They just look at it as like, that's not fun. You can just. You do whatever you want as long as you're paying for pussy. It's not cheating. Which I love, theoretically, but feels a little off.
- [31:47]
Chris DiStefano
But, like, I wish, like, with marriage as a contract, it's like, it's there incentive, like an NBA player. It's like, you know what, dude? If I can. If I can bring. If I could bring, you know, more than a certain amount of money to this family, I'll get hand jobs, right? You know, Matt, like, you win the World Series, like, you have set up the family bonus. You can get like a prostitute once a decade, things like that.
- [32:07]
Stavros Halkias
It seems.
- [32:08]
Chris DiStefano
That's what I'm saying. I'm not looking to, like, have act. I don't want to have affairs. I'm not looking. I want to do that. I love. I respect the sanctity of it, but it would be nice to have, like a loophole where it's like, if she says, hey, or maybe she just dresses up like a masseuse, right? Once in a while. That'd be nice.
- [32:23]
Stavros Halkias
Well, I will say the. The masseuse. Like, if you want a. If you want a. An example of what the masseuse looked like. They looked kind of like when Tom and Bert put the woman filter on themselves. Like, that's the fucking level of attractiveness we're dealing with. Which, by the way, I saw this clip, and it's hysterical. I mean, you know, let's just play the clip.
- [32:43]
Chris DiStefano
Here we go.
- [32:44]
Stavros Halkias
I mean, this is insane, dude. She. Oh, yeah, dude. This is.
- [32:50]
Chris DiStefano
They were being genuine.
- [32:52]
Stavros Halkias
I know. This is fucking crazy. This is insane. I look hot as. Stop that right now. No, I mean, that's smashable. That's insane. No, he's saying that I'm hot.
- [33:04]
Chris DiStefano
He's hotter than you look. He's hotter than his wife through some.
- [33:12]
C
Yeah, I look like such a nice girl.
- [33:14]
Chris DiStefano
This is the one who's like, come with me.
- [33:16]
C
I'll show you how to get a man. That's what it looks like.
- [33:18]
Stavros Halkias
Okay.
- [33:19]
Chris DiStefano
I want you to come in me. You let people come.
- [33:22]
Stavros Halkias
This is disgusting.
- [33:24]
Chris DiStefano
Because you're needy and you're like, I want them to like me. I just go, I want to. I want to be abused.
- [33:29]
Stavros Halkias
Bird has never been projecting more in his life, by the way.
- [33:31]
C
Choked out and spit on slack.
- [33:33]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're like a teacher that gets caught with a student.
- [33:39]
Stavros Halkias
Yes, absolutely. Tom looks like the one who's like, has a romantic relationship with the 12. I mean, I will say, actually, on second look, obviously they're atrocious and they're, like, fucking disgusting. But Tom is like, Tom could maybe if she worked on herself.
- [33:55]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [33:56]
Stavros Halkias
There is a light in her eyes that I'm like, you know what? On second thought, I think I'd get head from Tom.
- [34:00]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [34:01]
Stavros Halkias
But Bert looks horrific.
- [34:03]
Chris DiStefano
Bert literally looks like Burt looks like.
- [34:06]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, my God. It looks like Bert too much. Like, it just looks like Bert with mascara on.
- [34:11]
Chris DiStefano
And with the face, it looks like he almost, like, had to get, like, skin reconstruction after a fire. Right. He looks like a burn victim. Yeah.
- [34:19]
Stavros Halkias
He looks like the teacher that comes on too strong to a high schooler that they're put off by it. You know what I mean? That is total, like, assistant principal face right there.
- [34:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. This is the woman that made me choose between physical therapy and being a physical therapist. A comedian. Yeah. Tom, if we go back to Tom a little bit. Tom is definitely a woman who. Because Bert, I'm like, also, too. I'm not into, like, really brunettes like that. Even though. Even though my wife.
- [34:49]
Stavros Halkias
Let me stop you right there. Hair color is not even top 40. Problems with this picture right now.
- [34:55]
Chris DiStefano
Well, what it is with women is, like, is like, you want what you don't have. So, like, my, you know, wife's Latina, warm blooded, like hot, right? Where if you go back to Tom, Tom's more cold blooded. Looks just like a cold hearted bitch.
- [35:08]
Stavros Halkias
Tom or Bert.
- [35:09]
Chris DiStefano
Tom. This is Burt, right?
- [35:10]
Stavros Halkias
This is Bert. Yep.
- [35:11]
Chris DiStefano
Tom, right here. Looks like her energy is more cold. She just looks like a. Yeah, no, I don't know.
- [35:16]
Stavros Halkias
There's something inviting about, you know, I started this thing. I would, you know, trash both of them. I'm getting. I'm getting if. If Tom was the one who gave me a happy ending, that wouldn't be so bad, right? You know, now I'm not taking these women out, right? And I will think the fact that Bert said this is a Rorschach test for being a narcissist, right? Because Bert looking at that picture and being like, ooh, baby, that's a hot woman. Man has never wanted to fuck himself more. That is like, that is just clearly Burt loves himself so much that applying maybe. This is maybe the worst woman filter I've ever seen in my life. This is barely a filter. This is Burt. You just put lipstick on Burt. They didn't soften his. Like, if I was, for example, if I was trans and I went and got facial feminization surgery and I ended up looking like that, I would sue my doctor for malpractice. I would want a fucking refund on the estrogen. I would sue my doctor for malpractice.
- [36:14]
Chris DiStefano
But this person does look like a woman who lives on the outskirts of Tampa. So maybe it's like something that Bert's seeing, like, familiar at home. And they do kind of look like the version of themselves. Like, Tom's picture looks like a woman who, like, in her spare time, likes to watch videos of men shitting on other men's chests. Right?
- [36:32]
Stavros Halkias
I don't know. I'm weirdly into Tom now. The more I look at this, the more I'm like, you know what? I could go to a farmer's market with Tom. And now I'm mad that they. They've said these disgusting things about beautiful Tom, about him getting cummed. Like, the fact that Bert went into how they're getting nutted inside is. Do you think there is. Like, I've never. Because Tom, I mean, Bert legitimately, like, it is beautiful how much he loves his family. Like, he'll literally, like, cry. He'll take pictures of himself crying about how much he.
- [37:00]
Chris DiStefano
I've cried with him on a podcast, Bert and I, about our families.
- [37:04]
Stavros Halkias
You guys are so Fucking gay.
- [37:07]
Chris DiStefano
I know. I love. I love how episode one I said wasn't gay. And then I said, I sit around crying with men on camera because you.
- [37:13]
Stavros Halkias
Thought it would make good content. That's the gayest part of it of all. You know, you have a tear stick. You're like, this is going to go viral. This is going to sell some tickets.
- [37:21]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, hey, put hellofresh underneath. Use the promo code.
- [37:26]
Stavros Halkias
But yeah, I guess now I'm thinking. I guess I also. It feels like Tom posed to look like a sexy woman. It's like he just looks like a kind, inviting woman.
- [37:35]
Chris DiStefano
He does. Tom looks like a woman who like, wants to kind of just kiss you softly on the lips.
- [37:41]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [37:41]
Chris DiStefano
Where Bert kind of like, it's a little too rough.
- [37:44]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [37:44]
Chris DiStefano
You know, like Burt's woman.
- [37:46]
Stavros Halkias
Right. Biting you on the lip in a performative way.
- [37:48]
Chris DiStefano
Come on. I don't need this.
- [37:50]
Stavros Halkias
Come on, lady. We both know this is. My life's going bad if I'm fucking you.
- [37:54]
Chris DiStefano
Tom also looks like a woman that'll keep her mouth shut. You can have an affair with Tom. You can't have an affair with Bert because she's going to want to get crazy about it. She's going to give you hickeys. She's going to message your wife.
- [38:04]
Stavros Halkias
Bert does look like a woman who thinks she's hotter than she is.
- [38:06]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [38:07]
Stavros Halkias
So that. That does check out. Okay. I just want to. I just wanted to fucking weigh in there because I saw the clip of them saying they're hot and it infuriated me.
- [38:15]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [38:16]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, no. First of all, I just look Filipino. That doesn't even look like a woman. That looks like Spider Man's sidekick dude from the new you fucking movies. Pull up that kid. Pull up that fucking Spider Man's friend from. No way.
- [38:36]
Chris DiStefano
This is. This is AI though, right? Like, how did you do this so quick?
- [38:40]
Stavros Halkias
This has to be. Yeah, some.
- [38:41]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, this is chat. GPT.
- [38:44]
Stavros Halkias
That is hilarious. And that. You know what? That is way more accurate than whatever fuckable lip filled like they put. They gave Bird fucking mascara and red lipstick. They. They gave me less makeup somehow.
- [38:55]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. That's a woman who I could confidently say did not vote for Donald Trump.
- [38:58]
Stavros Halkias
No. Yeah, look.
- [39:00]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah.
- [39:01]
Stavros Halkias
But that's literally just what I look like.
- [39:03]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. I mean, dude, but I kind of like that cleavage a little bit.
- [39:06]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. Yeah. A little something.
- [39:07]
Chris DiStefano
Something about it.
- [39:08]
Stavros Halkias
No. You know what? I like this girl. I would be friends with that. First of all, this girl's. This is the kind of Girl I'm competing with bisexual women for, by the way.
- [39:15]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [39:15]
Stavros Halkias
Like, that's the thing. That's why a lot of my exes and like girls I've dated are bi. Because I feel like they're just into this type of butch body type for like that.
- [39:23]
Chris DiStefano
That woman who's like, into fat guys and like, wanted you for that. She also wants to go on a.
- [39:27]
Stavros Halkias
Date with her 100%.
- [39:28]
Chris DiStefano
That's interesting.
- [39:29]
Stavros Halkias
And I like her. I would be friends with her, you know?
- [39:31]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, I. I like her too. I feel like she pro and she probably like lives in Astoria. She's probably like, you know, figuring it out.
- [39:38]
Stavros Halkias
Maybe she's not a legend. Maybe she's just a woman who. And this is. This shows you how bad society is. How much better my life is than this theoretical woman. You can't be that fucking like people. You know, people treat a fat man with respect and they treat fat scorn. And we're against that here on two bears.
- [39:53]
Chris DiStefano
100%.
- [39:54]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, maybe regular two bears. They're fat, phobic.
- [39:57]
Chris DiStefano
Not us. Not us.
- [39:58]
Stavros Halkias
We love the plus sized gals and we hope this lady gets some dick. She gets some dick just by being a good hang. Taking down enough Irish car bombs. I'm sure you've actually. I think you could be convinced to fuck this woman.
- [40:08]
Chris DiStefano
I was gonna say I've had sex with a woman who looks like this in the back of o' Neill's and maspet Queens. Are you kidding me? When I'm 22 years old, I've gotten a blowjob from a woman that looks like this on Grand Avenue in the bowels of Queens.
- [40:22]
Stavros Halkias
I like her. She has a kind look in her eyes.
- [40:24]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, she does. And she kind of looks like. You know, the thing is, with someone.
- [40:29]
Stavros Halkias
Like her is like roller derby captain.
- [40:31]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Like, and I feel like some of our beautiful, like, fat, like overweight people like this are gonna get ruined by Ozempic. Like somebody like her would take Ozempic and it's like, no, I kind of like, I would.
- [40:41]
Stavros Halkias
You have a beautiful youthful glow. Yeah, I'd love it. I'd love a zoom out. Cause she could have incredibly fat tits. Oh, she could have maybe fucking triple J's.
- [40:50]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, I love it.
- [40:51]
Stavros Halkias
And now we're talking. Cause then you give a lady like this those kinds of cannons. Dude, now she's working in February.
- [40:57]
Chris DiStefano
Huge pornography. Big boobs and a fat ass and a tattoo of rosary beads. Somewhere I'm in.
- [41:03]
Stavros Halkias
We need to zoom out. You know, maybe she could use a little Lipo around here, but, you know, or even just, you know, a little light. A couple. If she hits the steps a little bit and she gets big fake tits.
- [41:13]
Chris DiStefano
But I'm into a woman now. It was, I guess, when I was younger, like, and I think society's seeing this. Like, it used to be like, big boobs, big ass, big fake lips. Obviously, that's going out of style now. I want an imperfect woman. Like, I like a girl with a chipped tooth, a scar, a little imbalances, you know, I like that a lot. I want to see her imperfections where I used to be, like, oh, I want a girl who looks. I would be into the fake boobs, fake lips. It's like, oh, it's making them look, like, ideally perfect, but now that's. I would run away from that.
- [41:41]
Stavros Halkias
Okay.
- [41:42]
Chris DiStefano
I would go out. Like, as a matter of fact, me and my fiance, we got even. Like, our relationship, like, like, got 10 times better when she. One of the things that happened is she took out her fake boobs. Cause she was like, you know, we have daughters. I don't want them to think, like, they need to change their bodies. And then she told me, like, as time went on, not only, like, did she feel better about, like, not having them. She's like, my body was literally for 10 years just fighting a foreign object.
- [42:10]
Stavros Halkias
Wow.
- [42:11]
Chris DiStefano
You know, inside its body, inside her own body. And, like, I just started to get, like, more. Feel more like me, you know?
- [42:18]
Stavros Halkias
Interesting.
- [42:19]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. That. That was a big moment. And then also means Stop. Not DMing porn stars was also. Was also helpful.
- [42:27]
Stavros Halkias
Well, then stop when they stopped DMing you back.
- [42:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [42:30]
Stavros Halkias
When you. When they're like, ah, this is enough. And you're like, yeah. I mean, I philosophically think your fiance should be jailed for doing that.
- [42:37]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [42:38]
Stavros Halkias
I think it's a.
- [42:38]
Chris DiStefano
You know, she's already talking about getting them back.
- [42:40]
Stavros Halkias
I think fake kids are. I'm a man of science.
- [42:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [42:43]
Stavros Halkias
And I think, you know, the way we're enjoying air conditioning in the summer, you know, the way we have, you know, we have enough food to feed everybody. You know what I mean? Like, I think big fake tits are. But look, obviously you want to take them out, you should take them out. Obviously. But I do. Like, I am partial to fake titties because it feels like this is a little. It feels like once they were affordable for even like, once. Once, like, middle class, working class people realized you could go to fucking Colombia, you could go to fucking Turkey, you could figure out ways to do it once it became affordable to have big fake tits and a nice fat bbl. Now every rich person has gone away from that and they're getting skinny. And I, from a class perspective, I think big fake tits, once they let the masses have them, they said, these aren't good anymore.
- [43:31]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [43:31]
Stavros Halkias
And I say, keep your big fake tits, dude. My. That's a fight against, you know. Oh, no.
- [43:40]
Chris DiStefano
Oh man.
- [43:41]
Stavros Halkias
Okay. You know what? Still a great gal.
- [43:45]
Chris DiStefano
She. Yes.
- [43:47]
Stavros Halkias
The cankles are a little tough. I Do you know that those are nurse lunch. That is a lunch lady.
- [43:53]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [43:54]
Stavros Halkias
Build, but nothing wrong with that. You know, not what I was. You know, not what I was thinking. I. You know, with the huge tits, possibly, but. But still a gal. I could. You know, I think like you said, you're still getting head and mast Beth from this lady.
- [44:07]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah.
- [44:07]
Stavros Halkias
There's nothing wrong with her. I would dress her a little bit. I don't know why they had to give her a fucking moo. Moo.
- [44:12]
Chris DiStefano
Well, they gave her your shirt.
- [44:13]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, they gave her my shirt as a whole dress.
- [44:15]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:16]
Stavros Halkias
But you know, we could maybe work with a nice chunky belt to give her a bit of a waistline, you.
- [44:21]
Chris DiStefano
Know, do something nice for her.
- [44:22]
Stavros Halkias
I feel like she looks fun. She looks. She's got a real. I do. I see the beginnings of lunch lady arms, which I don't like.
- [44:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [44:29]
Stavros Halkias
That I don't like. I take pride in having being fat as shit, but there's no hang down on my. No, you know, I don't got those.
- [44:35]
Chris DiStefano
I. What do you think her name would be?
- [44:38]
Stavros Halkias
I mean, easy. Like Stavrula is a Greek name.
- [44:42]
Chris DiStefano
Real name.
- [44:43]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Vula Voula. Vula is like a shortening Stavrula or Rula.
- [44:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [44:51]
Stavros Halkias
I do know girls like this named like, you know, Chrissy. Literally. I knew a couple fat Greek girls named Chrissy.
- [44:57]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nina.
- [44:58]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [44:59]
Chris DiStefano
Or no. Or hot Greek girls would be named.
- [45:01]
Stavros Halkias
Either ones.
- [45:01]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [45:02]
Stavros Halkias
That's the thing. Like Greek. There's like in every community there's like five Greek names. Because every. My big Fat Greek wedding is true. Like I grew up with. I had a friend group and there was like seven Bills in it because they were all cousins. They're all named after one grandfather, Vasily.
- [45:16]
Chris DiStefano
I see.
- [45:17]
Stavros Halkias
So it's like, you know, Fat Bill, Little Bill. Bill.
- [45:19]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, Vasily translates into Bill.
- [45:20]
Stavros Halkias
Vasili is Bill. Yeah.
- [45:21]
Chris DiStefano
It's amazing.
- [45:22]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [45:22]
Chris DiStefano
Not William. Just Bill.
- [45:24]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [45:24]
Chris DiStefano
Bill. Yeah, I love it.
- [45:25]
Stavros Halkias
Not William.
- [45:26]
Chris DiStefano
No, Bill.
- [45:27]
Stavros Halkias
They were all Bill. There was no, Wills.
- [45:28]
Chris DiStefano
No.
- [45:29]
Stavros Halkias
Vasily is Bill.
- [45:30]
Chris DiStefano
Bill.
- [45:30]
Stavros Halkias
Dimitri is Jimmy.
- [45:35]
Chris DiStefano
What is Giannis John.
- [45:37]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, man.
- [45:38]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, wow. Dude, I look like Michael Jackson.
- [45:40]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, no, you look like the. The non binary character in the Sex and the City reboot. You look like J. Diaz. You look like you're eating Miranda's right now.
- [45:50]
Chris DiStefano
You know what? I kind of like too. You know what I kind of like too?
- [45:53]
Stavros Halkias
Even though, like, honestly, I'm into this.
- [45:55]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [45:56]
Stavros Halkias
By the way, Chat GPT using Chat GPT instead of whatever. They used a way more fuckable filter than we.
- [46:01]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [46:01]
Stavros Halkias
All right, I'm calling. This is. This is the first time I felt like a guest host. We're getting. You know what I mean? They're getting the fucking. The home whistle.
- [46:09]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [46:09]
Stavros Halkias
Benson Spoon is fucking. Is cooking the books for Tom and Bert.
- [46:13]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude.
- [46:13]
Stavros Halkias
Because we didn't get any fucking lipstick.
- [46:15]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah.
- [46:15]
Stavros Halkias
I got fucking mascara. I get fucking. I get. I get. You know, I get a fucking. It's like makes. Makes Stavros Halkis. A lunch lady is what you fucking type in.
- [46:24]
Chris DiStefano
They get liquid death. I got sink water in a cup. But this. This is interesting. Cause I'm German and Italian, but yet the chatgpt still made me look like a Puerto Rican girl.
- [46:36]
Stavros Halkias
That is true.
- [46:37]
Chris DiStefano
I do just look like a girl from Sunset Park.
- [46:39]
Stavros Halkias
But can I say, I am actually, the older I get, the more I'm attracted to sort of like a. I guess some might call it a traditional lesbian, but like a more butch woman. Like a hot.
- [46:51]
Chris DiStefano
Interesting.
- [46:51]
Stavros Halkias
A hot butch. But you could see, like they have tit. You know what I mean? Like, I don't mind this haircut and this vibe. You know what I mean?
- [46:58]
Chris DiStefano
Like, you want. Like you're into more like a Janine Garofalo look type thing. Like a little thicker maybe.
- [47:03]
Stavros Halkias
I guess what it comes down to is I think I would just fuck pretty much every woman anyway. And so when you see. I mean, Never mind.
- [47:12]
Chris DiStefano
Did you ask to give me lunch lady lips?
- [47:14]
Stavros Halkias
I mean, literally. Those are just your hips, by the way. That's stand up. Those are just. That's just what you're wearing right now. Honestly. Yeah, you do. That's a more fuckable backside than this lady sneakers. That's tough. Yeah. Yeah, this is. I literally had a lesbian manager at Sherwin Williams that looked exactly like this shout out to my girl Jess.
- [47:40]
Chris DiStefano
What did you do at Sherwin Williams?
- [47:42]
Stavros Halkias
Sherwin Williams. I was a paint. I would fucking deliver paint. I would mix up paint. I worked at a paint store for a year Before I moved to New York, that was my last.
- [47:50]
Chris DiStefano
Are you handy? Do you know how to like build stuff and just.
- [47:52]
Stavros Halkias
No, not at all. My dad's a carpenter and he's incredibly handy. And I would just go. I would work, work at his, you know, my summer job as a kid, would I be like. I would help my dad out and basically when he was installing cabinets and I would help carry. But dude, I would. Basically what I spent the time doing is he had a little TV. You know, remember the TVs you would like. He had a TV from like the 60s and the 90s.
- [48:13]
Chris DiStefano
Dial, dial.
- [48:14]
Stavros Halkias
Literally dial. And you put. There was a zenith.
- [48:17]
Chris DiStefano
For real.
- [48:17]
Stavros Halkias
And you had to put like, you know, aluminum foil on the fucking antenna. Yeah, I mean, you know, Gen Z. I mean, first of all, there's no young people that listen to this podcast, so nevermind. Seriously, everyone who listens to this understands what we're talking about. But if any ch. If anybody's dad passed out drinking porosos and their child is watching this right now, they're like, first of all, take me to school, dad. And second of all. And second of all, they're like, we sound so fucking old Talking about dial TVs with fucking aluminum foil antenna. But I would watch Martin on that tv. And then when my dad would go to lunch to pick stuff up because, you know, every like blue collar, every blue collar, like, whether it was a workshop, a mechanic, whatever, they would have pornography somewhere.
- [49:01]
Chris DiStefano
Hundreds.
- [49:01]
Stavros Halkias
They would have like calendars. And there was like, my dad had like one picture of like this Tahitian woman. It was like some kind of like islander vibe. And it would be like they would. It was her with her tits out. I would plant. While my dad went to go pick up our lunch order or something, I would plant the Tahitian titty picture in the bathroom. And then I'd be like, gotta go take a shit, dad. And I would just jack off to that. I would beat off for like 18. I would milk it. This is before phones. And I would just jack off in that bathroom for like truly a hat. I'd do it twice. I would beat off twice the same picture of one like islander woman's tits. And then at the end of the day, I would put it back where it was just. It was the perfect crime.
- [49:41]
Chris DiStefano
I love like, if like you ever went missing, like, I would know that you're jerking off on a beach in Tahiti. Yeah, FBI would need to look for you.
- [49:48]
Stavros Halkias
But yeah, that was old. But yeah, I was so bad at. I Ruined like a saw. Cause I was trying to make a gun out of wood, and I was just doing it the wrong way.
- [49:56]
Chris DiStefano
Do you ever feel emasculated that you're not handy? Like, as a man, do you feel like it's something we need to know how to do?
- [50:02]
Stavros Halkias
I think, you know, yeah. I mean, I'd like to learn a little more of, you know, Like, I could do very basic shit, you know, Like, I. You know, I would never, like, you know, as long as I could, like, hammer some shit. I could fucking. I could do the most basic change guys.
- [50:15]
Chris DiStefano
Nail guy or nail guy.
- [50:17]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. Do a. Fuck it. You know, put together. But, yeah, I'd like to be handier. But I also think, like, I don't know. I. I don't think, you know, that necessarily is a male thing. Like, I have one of my old roommate, my friend Christina. She was the handiest person I've ever met. And she's just, like, a nice, like, girl who was like, an executive assistant. Like, her job was, like, she would be like, some fashion lady vp. She'd be her executive assistant. I was like, in a different world, if she's not. If she's not in the, you know, gender binary, she would probably be doing some handy shit.
- [50:47]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude.
- [50:48]
Stavros Halkias
Where I just feel like, I don't give a fuck.
- [50:49]
Chris DiStefano
You don't care. Yeah.
- [50:50]
Stavros Halkias
Cause I'm masculine in other ways. I'm gonna die at 58.
- [50:54]
Chris DiStefano
That's a heart attack.
- [50:55]
Stavros Halkias
I'm a real man.
- [50:56]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Yeah.
- [50:56]
Stavros Halkias
I'm wearing a 4XL tracksuit.
- [50:58]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [50:58]
Stavros Halkias
I feel enough of a man like me. Yeah. Yeah. I eat prosciutto, like, as a. I literally have started having just pure prosciutto as dinner. I'll have prosciutto and yogurt, and I'll be like, protein.
- [51:08]
Chris DiStefano
Protein yogurt. Well, dude, it's crazy because last summer when me and Jasmine went to your house, you were cooking cedar, playing salmon on your grill. What happened?
- [51:16]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah, I. Well, see, here's the thing. The prosciutto, so the macros aren't so bad.
- [51:20]
Chris DiStefano
Well, you did actually. No, you're still doing it because you lost £70.
- [51:23]
Stavros Halkias
£70. I've lost. I've probably lost, like, £20 since you came. But, yeah, I cook a lot. Right. Which is like.
- [51:29]
Chris DiStefano
The salmon look dope.
- [51:30]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, I love. I have some salmon in the fridge right now. Salmon's a go to for love salmon.
- [51:34]
Chris DiStefano
They swim backwards.
- [51:35]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, dude.
- [51:36]
Chris DiStefano
That's why they're so fatty. That's why the Omega 3. Cause they're swimming against the current.
- [51:39]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, interesting.
- [51:39]
Chris DiStefano
That's what it is, baby. That's why I walk backwards on the treadmill trying to be a salmon dude.
- [51:44]
Stavros Halkias
To get those lesbian hips.
- [51:45]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [51:46]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. I love to cook. And I think anything can be masculine or feminine, depending on how you do it.
- [51:52]
Chris DiStefano
Because in my relationship, she, my girl, is the one who can build and do everything. And I said, we're moving to a new house. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna look. I'm gonna educate myself on YouTube. Cause everything's on YouTube. I'm gonna learn. I said, I'm gonna learn how to. At least I don't how to, like, paint, take down wallpaper, and make, like, a little door frame that we need to make, like, a little door into, like, a little opening in the house. I was like, I'm gonna do all that. And then I literally was on YouTube for about 10 minutes watching this handyman tell me how to do it step by step. And then within 10 minutes, I was on chatgpt asking what a good number for a contractor is. Asking like, what, What. What is the number that I know I'm not getting hosed contra.
- [52:32]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, contractor won't fuck my wife while I'm away. Yeah, contractor won't. My wife won't fall in love with while I'm doing off the hook comedy club.
- [52:41]
Chris DiStefano
Dude, this stuff is so. Is so fricking expensive. Where I said all I wanted was. All I wanted was a door, like, to another room, simple, some paint, and I wanted them to cover some pipes. And the guy was like. I was like, you know, I'm not looking at the bank. I was like, you know, I also want to do more jobs with you. Like, we've just moved into this home. I was like, please give me a fair price. He was like, like, 50 grand. And I was like, oh, my God. What? He was like, 50 grand? He goes, 45 if it's cash. I was like, dude, come on. And then. So. But then it's crazy. Cause then my wife gets on the phone, and she was like, start. He was Spanish. She just started talking to him in Spanish. And that number came down, like, 30%.
- [53:24]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [53:24]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. And next thing you know, she was like, getting angry. And then I was like, what did you say? And she was like, I was just telling him that I know he's being a scumbag. I know what you're doing. It's disrespectful. And she was like, you know. Cause he's Puerto Rican too. Do it's like, don't make us look like that. You're being a piece of. Don't try to hose him because he's.
- [53:42]
Stavros Halkias
Disrespect me in front of my white husband.
- [53:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, exactly.
- [53:44]
Stavros Halkias
He's finally marrying me after 10 years. So he does have some Puerto Rican tendencies.
- [53:48]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [53:48]
Stavros Halkias
Even though.
- [53:49]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [53:49]
Stavros Halkias
Even though he can't build a. You can't build a door frame.
- [53:53]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [53:53]
Stavros Halkias
And he can be non committal. Even though we have three children.
- [53:56]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, exactly. And now a frick. And now we're gonna get this done. But. But yeah, I was always interested.
- [54:02]
Stavros Halkias
I think it's nice if you're like, I think that's cool that she just does. You know what I mean? Like, I like that.
- [54:07]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. My kids. It's interesting because my. My children, like, don't like when somebody comes to the house, like a Con Ed guy or whatever. They. They always yell for mom, and I'll just be sitting on the couch, like, with a baby.
- [54:19]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah.
- [54:19]
Chris DiStefano
And I always feel like one of these workers just kind of looks at me as, like. And then sometimes they recognize me too. They're like, what the hell?
- [54:24]
Stavros Halkias
Right? Right?
- [54:25]
Chris DiStefano
I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. You're like the. Yeah, yeah.
- [54:27]
Stavros Halkias
No, them. Dude. Dude.
- [54:29]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [54:29]
Stavros Halkias
You got a nice thing.
- [54:29]
Chris DiStefano
So you got a good. You got a good way to look at life. Because I'm a little bit more old, so I guess I'm like, I'm such a loser. I suck come. Because I freaking don't know how to use a hammer. I don't use a table saw. That means I must take it in the ass.
- [54:42]
Stavros Halkias
Right.
- [54:42]
Chris DiStefano
You're just like, dude, some. Some people do guy things. Some people do girl things.
- [54:46]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. You could do a guy. Yeah.
- [54:47]
Chris DiStefano
I respect that.
- [54:48]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. I mean, you're cheating on your wife. That's.
- [54:50]
Chris DiStefano
You know, not anymore.
- [54:53]
Stavros Halkias
That's mad masculine, man. Look at the bright side, dude.
- [54:56]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. You're gonna die in our new year.
- [54:58]
Stavros Halkias
And you haven't. Yeah. You haven't cheat. You. You were cheating for a decade.
- [55:01]
Chris DiStefano
Well, I like. I like that. Even though I'm not being the typical man at all. I don't want to build anything. I'm not eating the freaking steak and drinking the beers and smoking the cigars every day. But yet my. My head and look is so much of that, man, that my body won't believe it. And my body's still like. Yeah. But Raises blood pressure, raise cholesterol, messes liver up. Come on.
- [55:21]
Stavros Halkias
Of course.
- [55:22]
Chris DiStefano
But even though I'm not doing any. I mean, I Will say too. Like, there's a lot of times, like, when I'm eating Greek food, I'm always like, oh, maybe I should get, like, the extra hummus, the chickpeas, whatever. And then it's really. It's Jasmine who, like, should be wanting me to be healthy, which she is. But she's like, I'll be eating, like, you know, just a Greek salad and some falafel. And she's like, can you please just like, eat a lamb? She's like, it almost like she's like, I'm not turned on, even though, like, you're healthier. Like, this doesn't make me feel like I want to fuck you at all.
- [55:51]
Stavros Halkias
Interesting.
- [55:52]
Chris DiStefano
If you're eating healthy.
- [55:53]
Stavros Halkias
Do you think she doesn't respect you for not being handy?
- [55:58]
Chris DiStefano
I think that in the beginning of our relationship, she, again, being an old school Puerto Rican girl, very handy. Father came from, like, Sunset Park. I think she was a little confused as to be like, okay, he does comedy, like art, and he's doing okay. You know, we have money, which is not, you know, we have enough to survive and everything. So that's. But then he, like, he doesn't know how to build anything. Yeah, he, like, only wants to have sex like once or twice a week at most. He doesn't really know what he's doing. He's like, not speaking to me in Latin. And so I think there was a lot of confusion the first couple years. He's like, you know, I watch his comedy. Yeah, once or twice. I can't. You know what, dude? As you get older too, now, it's to the point. Cause I'm older, 40, got the kids. I'm like, if I'm exhausted, like after a long day, sometimes I'll go up into the room and be like, I hope she doesn't want to have sex, because I don't want to do this, man. I mean, I do want to do it, but you're like, dude, I literally just want to. I'm watching this Benjamin Franklin documentary.
- [56:55]
Stavros Halkias
It's like, I just want to watch that dude. That's the guy that. That guy was getting pussy till the end, number one. I love that about Ben Franklin, is that he. We sent him over there and he's doing the most high stakes negotiations you can think of, right? Like, if he can't get France on board, England probably wins and they probably execute everyone that did that, did the revolution, right? And he's so focused, you know, he's focused, whatever. And every night he's out banging Whores.
- [57:22]
Chris DiStefano
He's burning.
- [57:23]
Stavros Halkias
Like, that's. And by the way, how is he getting hard?
- [57:26]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [57:26]
Stavros Halkias
Like, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. And you're fat, old. And he's eating. He's drinking, like, beer. He's doing, like, beer, milk, smoothies.
- [57:35]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [57:36]
Stavros Halkias
Like, and he's eating mutton and shit like that. He's gotta have diarrhea. How is his dick staying hard through all that life, like, anxiety and his diet. That's a true American hero. That's my favorite vibe.
- [57:46]
Chris DiStefano
I love. He just has, like, electricity through a kite on his balls, maybe.
- [57:49]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, he's tying it. He's got a cock ring. He's got a cock ring and a kite out the window. It's zapping his dick and getting it hard.
- [57:56]
Chris DiStefano
He's waiting till a lightning storm to go fuck.
- [57:58]
Stavros Halkias
Okay.
- [57:59]
Chris DiStefano
But he. You know what's crazy about him is he got. He was like, you know, he's like a legitimate celebrity. Like, he was like the only. Like, a lot of these people that are celebrities now that are famous founding fathers, they weren't famous back then.
- [58:09]
Stavros Halkias
Right, right, right.
- [58:10]
Chris DiStefano
He was famous in his life, dude. He was like, Mr. Beast. Beast.
- [58:13]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, he was.
- [58:14]
Chris DiStefano
He was. He was famous and so. And so. But he got. They threw him out of England. So they threw him out of England because they just got annoyed with him because he was, like, having sex with, like, every freaking general's wife. They're like, get him out of here.
- [58:26]
Stavros Halkias
I love him.
- [58:27]
Chris DiStefano
Then he came back to America.
- [58:28]
Stavros Halkias
That's my goal, by the way. I want to play Benjamin Franklin, dude.
- [58:30]
Chris DiStefano
You could.
- [58:32]
Stavros Halkias
I got the hair for it. Give me little round glasses. Yeah, fucking Photoshop some round glasses on me right now, dude. I actually. I did it in. I'll send you the picture. Be spoon. I did dress up as Benjamin Franklin one year. But, yeah, that's my fucking. That's my goal. My life's goal as an actor will be to portray Benjamin Frank Franklin. Frank.
- [58:54]
Chris DiStefano
Well, dude, I mean, you could do it. You got the look. And he. And Ben was Benny Frank. When he got back to America, nobody trusted him. Cause they were like, dude, you've been in England for 10 years now. We're at war with them. Like, are you a real patriot? And he just had to prove it. And then they. Because they knew that he was like, just literally what? Obviously he was very smart and all that, but he literally was just like, dude, I fuck all day. So they sent him. He went to France to convince France to join the revolution. But the way that he did it is because he was literally having sex with King Louis. Like concubines. Like, he was having sex with the women in his harem. And he moved up. It only took him like, three months. He, like, moved up girl by girl. Then he got to, like, like, Louis favorite mistress. And he was banging her, and he was like, can you tell, Lou?
- [59:41]
Stavros Halkias
And Louis was chill with this.
- [59:42]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. But it was like, kind of like just a thing in France. Like, you could just bang everything where Louis. Because Louis was like, I'm not sending France.
- [59:48]
Stavros Halkias
So Eskimo bros was like an honored position in France.
- [59:52]
Chris DiStefano
100%.
- [59:53]
Stavros Halkias
The closer you got, the more you fuck my favorite bitch, man. Yeah, we're connecting over.
- [59:59]
Chris DiStefano
And then the only way. Cause Louis, King Louie would not grant him, like, an appointment. He just wouldn't talk to Ben Franklin at all. So he just. The mistress who, like, Louis would fuck every night was he got Benjamin Franklin, got the message through the mistress into King Louis ear, and he was like, I'll do it. Give him the troupe.
- [60:15]
Stavros Halkias
Is that real?
- [60:16]
Chris DiStefano
That's real, dude. And then Ben Franklin when he was fucking. Cause the turning point of the Revolutionary War is the battle of Saratoga, where, like, we, the U.S. like, beat the British and all that stuff is true. But Benjamin Franklin was good at, like, spinning stuff. So he was like. He was like. He basically like, yes, we won. But he's like, dude, we crushed them. It's like you barely. Barely. Barely half of the British army, like, wasn't even at the battle. Yeah.
- [60:39]
Stavros Halkias
The way you brag about girl. And you weren't even hard. Yeah, you just got. You just jacked off while she sucked on your nipples. Yeah, you're like. You grabbed a dinner. You're like, oh. Oh, dude, I her. I the. Out of her.
- [60:50]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. And so. So he just lied. And then he got King Louie to send all the troops. But it was literally because Ben Franklin was just an absolute assassin.
- [60:57]
Stavros Halkias
Respect.
- [60:58]
Chris DiStefano
And again, older guys banging, like, young. Like, younger chicks always.
- [61:03]
Stavros Halkias
And that's before dick pills. I mean, that's why he's a hero, dude. I respect that so much. I can't believe he was fat, unhealthy, stressed out. Still got his dick hard.
- [61:12]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [61:13]
Stavros Halkias
Incredible. Because he was fucking for the nation, dude. Dude, I think I would. I think I would fold. I think I could eat pussy for the nation. My dick. I would be too nervous.
- [61:21]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, dude.
- [61:22]
Stavros Halkias
You know, I would essentially have to fuck like a, you know, life. Like our pictures. I don't have to fuck like a lesbian. No dick, no dick. Involved.
- [61:29]
Chris DiStefano
And I repeated a direct quote that he said to one of his mistresses who, like, didn't want to leave. He didn't. I repeated it to Jasmine. He wanted to. He was going back to America and she didn't. And she didn't want him to leave or whatever. And he goes to her. He was like, my. He was like, my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America. And I just said that to Jaz.
- [61:55]
Stavros Halkias
Wow.
- [61:55]
Chris DiStefano
I was like, my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America.
- [61:58]
Stavros Halkias
She's like, what? Shut the fuck up.
- [62:00]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. She's like, did you get the kids school uniforms out, you idiot?
- [62:05]
Stavros Halkias
You better sell enough tickets. You better sell merch this weekend.
- [62:07]
Chris DiStefano
You better be adding back the lyrics.
- [62:12]
Stavros Halkias
She's just handing you flyers so you can be your own street team.
- [62:14]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
- [62:16]
Stavros Halkias
Papering.
- [62:16]
Chris DiStefano
I got a fucking funny tour. I'm like, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma City in the middle of August.
- [62:21]
Stavros Halkias
Love that, man. Just like the big fucking markets.
- [62:24]
Chris DiStefano
Oh, yeah. Oklahoma City in August, Tulsa. Then it's like, you know, Toronto.
- [62:30]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, you're. I love Detroit Homo. Yeah, you're in Oklahoma. Back to back.
- [62:35]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. My age is like, we're going to send you to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and then we're going to send you to Saudi Arabia on 9 11. Is that good?
- [62:42]
Stavros Halkias
Remember how you thought you were doing MSG on 9 11?
- [62:44]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [62:45]
Stavros Halkias
Now you have to go to the guys who caused it.
- [62:47]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [62:50]
Stavros Halkias
I mean, you could not have pulled more of a fucking about, dude.
- [62:53]
Chris DiStefano
How about this? I'm the only. Have you ever heard of a guy I. They had to. I had to move my show at the arena at MSG down to the theater. Just a real shithead. People like, I can't wait to see in the big room. I'm like, well, you. What you're going to do is, is make believe you're going to the big room and then just take the elevator down to the theater.
- [63:10]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah, they've done some renovations. Don't look into it too much. Yeah, but that's it, man. We talked about on the last episode. But it's like, that is the best summation of like. Like, the theater is incredible. Yeah, dude, the theater's fucking insane. You know how many people got to do the theater? And you make more money in the theater, but it's more that, like, you gotta cure yourself of wanting more, dude.
- [63:31]
Chris DiStefano
Well, I'm cured.
- [63:32]
Stavros Halkias
You're cured. Honestly, dude, the market is cured.
- [63:36]
Chris DiStefano
Having to move from the arena down to the theater and then Try to explain. Well, what's funny about moving from MSG arena down to the theater is obviously, like, it was wildly embarrassing, of course, for me, I kind of regretted every decision I've ever made. You.
- [63:51]
Stavros Halkias
You found the only way to make that a loss.
- [63:54]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [63:54]
Stavros Halkias
Selling out the theater at msg, you literally found the only context where that's embarrassing.
- [63:59]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said.
- [64:00]
Stavros Halkias
And.
- [64:00]
Chris DiStefano
And I'm doing it on 9 11, which is just pissing off my fans. So. So I said, how many ways can I just make this actually one of the worst nights of my life? And so I figured that out. And so. And so.
- [64:15]
Stavros Halkias
And.
- [64:15]
Chris DiStefano
But what's funny is that, like, to the. To me, you know, and my peers or whatever, first of all, nobody cares. And then I've even gotten over it. I'm like, whatever. But the fans were coming. Like, even my family, I was like, oh. Like, you know, I have to move it. Like, now it's gonna be at the theater at msg. And even though I made all these promos about whatever, like, to the people, they're like, oh, I thought that's where it always was. I thought only, like, the Knicks play in the arena. Like, who would do comedy?
- [64:42]
Stavros Halkias
They're like, it's a bad experience.
- [64:43]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Because, like, to, like, especially the older crowd, like. Like, one of my dad's friends, he went and saw Eddie Murphy at the theater at MSG when they used to call it, what, the Something Pavilion.
- [64:55]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, I don't remember.
- [64:56]
Chris DiStefano
I forgot what they used to call it. It had, like, when he did, I think he filmed Delirious there or Raw.
- [65:00]
Stavros Halkias
Oh, really?
- [65:00]
Chris DiStefano
One of them. Yeah, he filmed it there, and he's like, oh, that's where, like, we used to go see, like, big shows. Like, nobody was doing the arena. They were doing that. That theater. So, like, this whole idea of, like, arena acts as comedians is, like, a new thing.
- [65:12]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. Yeah.
- [65:12]
Chris DiStefano
So I. But I absolutely, 100% was in a place last year, the Felt Forum. That's what it was, you see, called. I was in a place when I put this on sale last year, where I was like, you know, more, more, more. And now it feels so good to be, like. I'm, like, so happy to, like, be in places where it's like, you do a comedy club, it sells 80%, God willing, 90%. Some sell out, and you feel so good where, like, there was a moment in my life where I don't know what happened to me, where I just thought, like, even selling out a comedy club wasn't good enough. And My life was, like, completely out of control. I had, like, a life like, I was like an addict without ever doing a drug.
- [65:48]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah.
- [65:49]
Chris DiStefano
And then it's just kind of like, I think you get a little tired of it, and then like, life humbles you and wakes you up and you're like, no, no, no, dude, don't get back on the path.
- [65:58]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, dude, just have a good ass time. The point of life is to have the point of accidentally making it is like.
- [66:05]
Chris DiStefano
It's true, man.
- [66:06]
Stavros Halkias
Just having fun.
- [66:07]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah, Just.
- [66:07]
Stavros Halkias
That's you almost like, it's like I would feel bad. Like, the way I look at it is like, I'm a fat idiot that gets to have the best life ever. And I owe it to the other fat idiots that are sort of. Because everyone listening is a variant. It's like, you know how everything is like multiverses. I feel like a lot of comedy fans and like, a lot of, like, you know, even, like, comedians coming up. It's like, bro, I so easily could have been back in Baltimore or working at fucking Sherwin Williams and doing like, opening at Magoobies right now, and I honestly would have been happy with that. And now I owe it to fat morons who, you know, struggled in life. If I'm not having a good time, what's even the point? I'm the one of us that got to make it. So I'm gonna fucking. I'm gonna try and live. That's the annoying. I'm gonna make some salmon. Right. But I'm also just gonna have a good ass time. And by the way, clubs are more fun. Dude, you're actually talking to people. You're actually right there.
- [67:01]
Chris DiStefano
You feel more like a comic. Like, two weeks ago or three weeks ago, I did Atlantic City Comedy Club, which was of the Tropicana. It was the most. I felt like a comic and the most fun I've had with an audience in like a year. Because for a year I've just been doing the theaters. And they're great. I like them for certain reasons. But, dude, you feel so disconnected where now it's just like, dude, the club. Like, I just sometimes too, I think what happens with podcasting and the business of this, like, you forget, like, why you started. It's like, dude, I've only ever just wanted to do standup. Even podcasting. When I started doing stand up, this wasn't even a thing that I was considering.
- [67:31]
Stavros Halkias
Totally.
- [67:32]
Chris DiStefano
I was just like, no, I just want to make jokes about my dad.
- [67:34]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, yeah.
- [67:35]
Chris DiStefano
That's what I'M doing and get a sitcom. Those are the goals of. And so.
- [67:38]
Stavros Halkias
So now here we are somehow not only doing our own podcast, but somehow doing other guys podcasts. This doesn't make any fucking sense, dude. This doesn't make any fucking sense at all.
- [67:48]
Chris DiStefano
I mean, this is. I would, I, I. Listen, this is our second episode. We'll see if they give us a third. I mean, they might be pulling the plug on the entire ymh. Might be fully out of business after this.
- [68:01]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah, we try. We fucking, we try and open the doors. Sam Rill and Tim Dillon are sitting in here. Oh, yeah, sorry, guys. We've gone a different direction.
- [68:09]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah. Brought in Bad Friends. They're like, just, just bring them in, please. We'll give Bad Friends the entire revenue. All right, well, that was good, man. Thanks for. We'll be here. We think we'll be here next week for you. That's what we've been told right now. But we do have Tom Segura himself is waiting in the wing.
- [68:30]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. Yeah, he's waiting. Yeah, we're. He's where. He's going to take a break from filming season two of Bad Thoughts to come in here.
- [68:37]
Chris DiStefano
Right.
- [68:37]
Stavros Halkias
Fire us personally.
- [68:38]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [68:39]
Stavros Halkias
Which, by the way, what do you think? Season I was thinking how funny it would be if season two was just Tom in just a nice gay relationship. Like every, like every episode is like a prestige drama of just Tom with a man. And it's like, that's as bad thought as just having a being married to a man and being in love. Like, you know, he's fat again. He's like, what if I could actually live the way I wanted? Fat and gay, you know, I could stop all this exercise bullshit.
- [69:05]
Chris DiStefano
Yeah.
- [69:06]
Stavros Halkias
I could stop working so much.
- [69:07]
Chris DiStefano
I could just be Burt.
- [69:08]
Stavros Halkias
Yeah. So, yeah, look for us there. Chris will be playing his husband in Bad Thoughts, season two. That's it. But we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Enjoy.
- [69:21]
Chris DiStefano
Burt and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave Sam.