Podcast Summary: 2 Bears, 1 Cave — “Tom and Bert's Favorite OF Submissions”
Episode Date: October 6, 2025
Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Studio: YMH Studios
Main Theme & Purpose
In this episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave," Tom and Bert hilariously review OnlyFans model submissions from fans, discuss the evolution of VR pornography, riff on parenting and generational changes, and brainstorm new business and podcast ideas—all while embracing their signature irreverent, freewheeling comedy style. They reflect on personal experiences, cultural observations, and crowdsource input for their next collaborative project.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Bert’s Introduction to VR Pornography (00:00 – 03:15)
- Bert experiences interactive VR porn, narrating in real time.
- “Okay, there is a Russian chick in a red dress ... I'm in a nice bespoked kitchen ... Oh. Now I'm her.” — Bert (00:35)
- Tom jokes about bringing VR porn to conservative places: “Something tells me that might not go well [in Riyadh].” (01:15)
- Bert marvels at how realistic and immersive VR porn feels, questioning “Why would you ever date a chick?” (01:20)
- He considers the implications for relationships and even ponders sex robots: “Should we make one and bring it?” (02:04)
2. Celebrity Monologues, Media Influence, and Political Commentary (03:20 – 07:14)
- Discussion on Jimmy Kimmel’s recent monologue—praise for its heart and humor.
- Tom: “Monologue wise, it was probably a 10 out of 10 for what he was aiming to do.” (03:36)
- Bert riffing on political figures manipulating media and markets, specifically referencing Trump’s influence.
- Tom discusses potential legal consequences for public figures’ statements: “If it were anybody other than a sitting US President, you would have seen aggressive tactics.” (06:47)
3. Parenting, Drugs, and Changing Generations (07:14 – 10:01)
- Bert shares his mother's old-school pregnancy advice (“...we weren’t allowed to take anything...”), reminisces about seeing pregnant women smoking, and tells a story about witnessing a young woman breastfeeding on the subway.
- Tom and Bert break down societal attitudes toward breastfeeding and public nudity.
4. Fetish Porn & Private Search Histories (10:01 – 12:22)
- Bert introduces Tom to “freeze porn,” describing a typical scenario in vivid detail.
- “It toys with … no consent. But they always consent towards the end, right?” — Bert (10:51)
- The hosts talk about their comfort (or lack thereof) in sharing their porn search histories.
- Bert: “Half the time I look at porn...I’m looking for a joke about porn.” (11:36)
5. Dangers of VR: Physical Embarrassment and Overstimulation (12:13 – 12:53)
- Tom admits to physical mishaps while wearing a VR headset: “You forget that you’re wearing it ... you walk into a desk as you’re coming.” (12:24)
- Bert recalls a panic attack from a VR hot-air balloon simulation.
6. Screen Time, Parenting Styles, and Kids’ Content Evolution (14:09 – 20:35)
- After a sponsor break, they discuss kids’ media habits: Bert describes his niece’s obsession with YouTube-like videos.
- Tom details the evolution of what kids watch, supervision of homework, and keeping iPad usage limited to maintain balance.
- “We encourage [going outside] a lot ... you have to drag them in, which is normal, I think.” — Tom (18:09)
- Generational differences in upbringing are highlighted, with humor about “woke” kids versus “redneck Republicans.”
7. Wokeness, Parenting Challenges, and Comedy Boundaries (21:09 – 25:07)
- Bert describes his daughters becoming more socially conscious (“woke”) during the pandemic as peer groups changed.
- Mentions how touring with edgier comedians softened their rigidity around offensive jokes:
- “Those guys just...They broke it out of her. They turned her into a regular person.” — Bert on his daughter’s experience on the road (24:00)
- The difficulty of adapting language (“bro,” “big guy”) amid shifting gender sensitivities.
8. OnlyFans Submissions Review: The Main Event (27:52 – 37:54)
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The hosts read listener submissions from aspiring OnlyFans models.
- Kens, the newlywed Midwesterner:
- “She’s got fantasy quality…she looks like she reads. She probably likes Lord of the Rings.” — Bert (29:07)
- Delilah, the pro:
- “I’m a small-town Wisconsin MILF who’s been spreading my wet flap on the internet for five years now. I’m most known for taking LARGE fantasy dildos, and of course my Porosos video...” — Delilah’s written submission (30:51)
- Tom and Bert marvel at her bottle trick, professionalism, and tattoos.
- Transformation Content Creator:
- Wants to chronicle a 'glow up' journey—cosmetic procedures, fitness—with audience involvement.
- “I think I’d come in more like the Tom of OF ... as opposed to being driven by fame and attention like Bert.” — Anonymous submission (34:14)
- The Husband-Submitted Model:
- Husband submits wife; Bert is wary: “I want to deal with her directly. I don’t want to have to go talk to him.”
- Male Entrant (‘Please pimp me, Bert’):
- Bert: “He’s got a great cock ... you can’t even get fully hard.”
- Kens, the newlywed Midwesterner:
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They agree to post a fan vote carousel of the best finalists for audience input.
- “We’ll both share it and let our fans vote on who our OnlyFans model is going to be.” — Bert (37:17)
- They envision an MTV Cribs-style intro video as the model’s debut content.
9. Business Pitch: The Adult Locker Room (38:34 – 44:34)
- Bert pitches a “locker room” gym and hangout for adults, recreating team-sport camaraderie.
- Tom: “You need a unified goal … It’s the hanging out, busting balls, bonding over things that suck…” (39:23)
- Bert sees it as a hybrid gym/social club, where everyone’s got a nickname, uniform, and in-jokes—a “Fight Club” vibe but for ex-athletes.
- “Maybe we’re creating mini sports teams.” — Bert (44:34)
10. The Legendary 5K and Jelly Roll’s Weight Loss (45:39 – 48:46)
- Reminiscing about the 2 Bears 5K fun run and its positive influence on Jelly Roll's dramatic weight loss journey.
- “If you type in Jelly on Bertcast… he had to sleep on his side because if he slept on his back, he had a chance of choking and aspirating…” — Bert (47:16)
- Celebrates community support and plans another group 5K.
11. More VR Porn Jokes & Parenting Fears (49:20 – 52:06)
- Tom and Bert joke about the psychological dangers of VR porn for teens: “It would wreck what you would have done, like, trying to meet and get with girls…” — Tom (51:29)
- Bert equates early exposure to VR porn with learning to “pop wheelies” before basic riding skills.
12. Dog Breeds and Losing a Pet (52:06 – 59:06)
- Heartfelt discussion about grieving the loss of a pet and the process of getting a new dog.
- Deliberation over breed names (Cane Corso vs. Connie Corso), their origins, and legalities.
- Tom: “Rarely feel like I get to say, wow, I really learned something from you today, Bert. But it is Kane Corso.” (56:19)
- Bert nostalgically recounts his relationship with his late dog, Mac.
13. Cats—Specifically Marilyn Rice-Cub’s Wild Beast (59:14 – 61:43)
- Tom and Bert briefly debate cat ownership.
- Discuss comedian Mary Lynn Rajskub’s Savannah cat, awe-struck by its wildness:
- “Her cat is awesome, dude. Her cat would protect her. Look at how big that cat is.” — Bert (59:52)
- Tom: “That looks like a wild cat. What is that, a bobcat?” (59:57)
14. Wrap Up: Next Steps, Soft Pitches, and Friendship (61:43 – End)
- Summary: Dog and cat facts, reaffirmation of OnlyFans plans, prepping for the next 5K, and Bert pitching business ideas.
- “If you’re out there and you’re saying to us, hey, Bert and Tom, that locker room idea is not that bad — can I give you a soft pitch on it?” — Bert (61:46)
- Mutual affection and classic sendoff.
- Bert: “Hey, just come back alive, okay? I love you.” (62:10)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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VR Porn Realness:
“Why would you ever date a chick? Why would you ever go out to a bar? Why would you ever do anything when you can just bang tens for real? I gotta try jerking off with it.” — Bert (01:20) -
Comedy vs. Political Correctness:
“You have a stadium full of people… She goes, well, can I laugh at it? And I go, did you find it funny?” — Bert, on navigating social boundaries around edgy standup comedy (24:00) -
Parenting and Technology:
“We don’t let them do iPads during the weekends. …We do homework right after dinner … Getting them to do it is the thing, man.” — Tom (18:37) -
OnlyFans Submission Banter:
“You kind of were born to do this. I feel like that’s a good idea…” — Tom, on Bert’s OnlyFans Cribs tour concept (38:28) -
Heartfelt Reflection:
“Dogs are the best.” — Tom (59:08)
Timestamps for Key Segments
| Segment / Topic | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------------------|----------------| | Bert’s VR Porn Experience | 00:00 – 03:15 | | Jimmy Kimmel, Trump & Media Manipulation | 03:20 – 07:14 | | Parenting Old vs. New, Breastfeeding, Smoking | 07:14 – 10:01 | | Freeze Porn, Search Histories | 10:01 – 12:22 | | VR Mishaps | 12:13 – 12:53 | | Kids & Screen Time | 14:09 – 20:35 | | Parenting, Wokeness, Language Shifts | 21:09 – 25:07 | | OnlyFans Submissions Review | 27:52 – 37:54 | | “Locker Room” Business Pitch | 38:34 – 44:34 | | 2 Bears 5K, Jelly Roll’s Weight Loss | 45:39 – 48:46 | | VR Porn & Teens | 49:20 – 52:06 | | Pet Loss & Dog Ownership | 52:06 – 59:06 | | Mary Lynn’s Wild Cat, Cat Ownership | 59:14 – 61:43 | | Episode Wrap-Up | 61:43 – End |
Final Thoughts
True to form, Tom and Bert deliver a riotous, open-ended, and raunchy exploration of their current obsessions (from porn tech to pets), only to land, time and again, on the joys, pangs, and absurdities of modern life. The OnlyFans contest is left in the hands of the fans, while the locker room camaraderie idea gets plenty of support for future development. Above all, the chemistry and mutual affection between the hosts make this a classic “2 Bears, 1 Cave” — both hilarious and oddly heartwarming.