Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave - 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Summary4 min read

Podcast Episode Summary: "Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Podcast Information:

Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Description: Weekly, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer get together in the bear cave at YMH Studios to do what bears do: make each other laugh.
Episode: Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish
Release Date: May 26, 2025

1. Introduction of Guest: Harlan Williams

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura introducing guest comedian Harlan Williams as Bert Kreischer is on hiatus for a retreat in Istanbul.

Tom Segura [01:29]: "He's loud, he's fat, and he's not here."

Harlan Williams [01:29]: "Buddy, it's good to see you, man."

2. Thematic Discussion: Quitting and Consistency

Tom and Bert delve into the theme of perseverance and the challenges of quitting. They discuss how consistency plays a crucial role in achieving success, contrasting the idea of being a genius in one area while being erratic elsewhere.

Bert Kreischer [00:34]: "I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower."

Tom Segura [00:38]: "You can all try and stop me."

3. Humorous Banter on "Arseholes"

A significant portion of the episode revolves around humorous and irreverent discussions about "arseholes," blending sexual innuendos with playful insults. The trio exchanges exaggerated stories and jokes, often pushing the boundaries of comedic content.

Bert Kreischer [03:06]: "Yeah. I just love to throw it and hit, like, the side window while they're driving."

Tom Segura [06:09]: "Like, there's a Monopoly hotel sticking out of it."

4. Personal Anecdotes and Childhood Memories

Tom shares a personal and somewhat awkward childhood memory involving a visit to Peter Stark's house, where he humorously recounts exposing himself and the ensuing reactions.

Tom Segura [14:37]: "And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?"

Bert Kreischer [17:35]: "I think you might be."

5. Discussions on Canada’s Political Landscape

The conversation shifts to a humorous take on Canada's recent political developments, specifically the reelection of the Liberal government despite apparent public disapproval. They draw parallels with U.S. politics to highlight the absurdity.

Bert Kreischer [26:32]: "It's like if you hated a leader so much, like if this country hated Trump so much and everyone pushed them out and then they said, you know, let's put in a guy that he handpicked to replace him."

Tom Segura [27:44]: "Which prompted my question, what's going on with Canada?"

6. Satirical Analysis of Dictators: Hitler and Saddam Hussein

In a blend of dark humor and satire, Tom and Bert engage in a mock analysis of historical dictators, discussing their contributions and atrocities. They playfully debate the unintended benefits these figures may have inadvertently left behind, such as technological advancements.

Bert Kreischer [56:36]: "So, do you think all his evilness came from childhood neglect?"

Tom Segura [46:40]: "He's the most textbook psychopath of all dictators."

7. Tanning Tales and Comedic Sketches

The conversation takes a lighthearted turn as Bert shares his unconventional approach to tanning, incorporating absurd imagery and metaphorical humor. They role-play scenarios involving spray tans and playful jabs at each other’s appearances.

Bert Kreischer [59:45]: "You take my ass cheeks and you spread them and you put a banana and ice cream."

Tom Segura [60:01]: "We've worked together before."

8. Fart Videos and Irreverent Humor

Continuing their stream-of-consciousness comedic style, the trio discusses fart videos, blending absurdity with playful mockery. They critique the authenticity of such content while maintaining the show's irreverent humor.

Bert Kreischer [55:46]: "Dude, you watch them. I'm gonna put my hand."

Tom Segura [56:14]: "What are you talking about? You don't watch."

9. Promotional Insertions and Running Gags

Amidst the banter, there are brief promotional segments for Factor Meals and Porosos vodka. These ads are seamlessly integrated into the conversation, maintaining the podcast's comedic tone.

Factor Meals Ad [12:07]: "I've been trying to eat better without spending all my time in the kitchen. Factor shows up ready to go and the food is amazing."

Porosos Vodka Ad [13:27]: "It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish, and we taste tested a hundred different vodkas and landed on this one mutually."

10. Closing Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode nears its end, Tom and Bert discuss future appearances and potential shows, continuing with their signature humor and camaraderie. They tease future segments and maintain the playful energy throughout the conclusion.

Tom Segura [75:35]: "And thanks for coming."

Bert Kreischer [75:56]: "Save it for tonight, guy."

Key Takeaways:

Themes of Perseverance: Emphasizing the importance of not quitting and maintaining consistency.
Comedic Boldness: The hosts push comedic boundaries with irreverent and edgy humor.
Personal Connections: Sharing personal stories and memories to build rapport and entertain.
Satirical Commentary: Using humor to critique and analyze political and historical figures.
Engagement with Guests: Featuring guest Harlan Williams to add diversity to the conversation.

Notable Quotes:

Bert Kreischer [00:34]: "I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower."
Tom Segura [03:06]: "Yeah. I just love to throw it and hit, like, the side window while they're driving."
Bert Kreischer [26:32]: "It's like if you hated a leader so much...”
Tom Segura [46:40]: "He's the most textbook psychopath of all dictators."

This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave delivers a blend of bold humor, personal anecdotes, and satirical commentary, capturing the dynamic and unapologetic chemistry between Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. With guest Harlan Williams adding to the mix, listeners are treated to an engaging and laugh-filled journey through a variety of offbeat topics.

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Transcript1,137 lines

[00:00]
Tom Segura
I love that.
[00:00]
Bert Kreischer
I started the Not a Damn Chance.
[00:02]
Harlan Williams
Podcast with just the nastiest story I have.
[00:06]
Bert Kreischer
Part of this idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school, and I only went for a few months and I dropped out.
[00:16]
Tom Segura
Look at that, kids. You can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars. I do what I can do so.
[00:22]
Bert Kreischer
I could come back, do it all over again. Not a damn chance. Not a damn chance.
[00:28]
Tom Segura
If you see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps. Steps to get there.
[00:35]
Bert Kreischer
I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower.
[00:38]
Tom Segura
You can all try and stop me.
[00:40]
Harlan Williams
I hope you do.
[00:42]
Tom Segura
Consistency was exactly what life was all about. Don't be genius here and wild there.
[00:47]
Harlan Williams
There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messages.
[00:53]
Bert Kreischer
I got shot in the face.
[00:54]
Tom Segura
Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me.
[00:56]
Bert Kreischer
And I did put my head in a noose.
[00:58]
Tom Segura
You heard 300 people dying.
[01:00]
Harlan Williams
Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules.
[01:03]
Bert Kreischer
You're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong.
[01:05]
Tom Segura
Don't care what it takes. I'm doing this.
[01:08]
Bert Kreischer
We have a phrase for that. It's called not a damn chance.
[01:18]
Tom Segura
That's insane, dude. That's how you drink.
[01:21]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[01:22]
Tom Segura
That's insane.
[01:23]
Bert Kreischer
I love it.
[01:24]
Harlan Williams
100%.
[01:30]
Tom Segura
He's loud, he's fat, and he's not here. Bert is on hiatus. He's in Istanbul doing a bit of a retreat. And sitting in for him is an absolutely hilarious comedian. You can see him on the road. You can get tickets right now@harlanwilliams.com. it's Harlan Williams, everybody. Buddy, it's good to see you, man.
[01:50]
Bert Kreischer
Good. You did it down here. I did it here. You went like this. You did like a breast salute.
[01:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I mean, people have different. This is cultural, you know?
[01:59]
Bert Kreischer
I know, but, dude, I was up here, I'm like, is that an insult? That's like. Like, it does flag at half mass.
[02:05]
Tom Segura
It does feel almost.
[02:06]
Bert Kreischer
You gave me a halfy, guy.
[02:07]
Tom Segura
Sorry, man. I'll do it again.
[02:08]
Bert Kreischer
And I can't do this because I don't have a chin.
[02:12]
Tom Segura
You can still do it.
[02:13]
Bert Kreischer
You can do it. It kind of slides off and goes right up my face. Ow.
[02:17]
Tom Segura
Ow. Did that hurt?
[02:18]
Bert Kreischer
Ow.
[02:19]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[02:20]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I want to fungula you real bad. Do it, like, to start the show, but I. All I'm going to do is hurt myself.
[02:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[02:26]
Bert Kreischer
Ah.
[02:27]
Tom Segura
Oh, careful.
[02:29]
Bert Kreischer
Let's try this hand.
[02:30]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[02:30]
Bert Kreischer
Ah, ah, ah.
[02:33]
Tom Segura
Oh. Are you okay?
[02:36]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, when's it my turn to fungula?
[02:39]
Tom Segura
You can do it whenever you want.
[02:41]
Bert Kreischer
I know, but I don't want to hurt my face.
[02:42]
Tom Segura
Just, you do the finger.
[02:44]
Bert Kreischer
One finger. Oh, one of these.
[02:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah. The middle. Oh, one of what? Wow. Nobody really gets that from Harlan Williams. I bet.
[02:52]
Bert Kreischer
Well, I don't like this because the really. The implication is it's like I'm supposed to be getting the better of this exchange, right? I'm the tough guy. But what am I really saying? Hey, you. I want to put my finger in your anus.
[03:07]
Tom Segura
Is that what that means?
[03:08]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. It's up yours.
[03:09]
Tom Segura
Oh, it's up your ass? Yeah.
[03:10]
Bert Kreischer
What'd you think it was up, your raisin bread? No, dude, it's up your calamari ring.
[03:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Have you ever done that?
[03:19]
Bert Kreischer
What?
[03:19]
Tom Segura
Fingered someone's.
[03:21]
Bert Kreischer
No, but I fingered a calamari ring. Is it a Greek restaurant? Mr. Greek, down on Melrose the other night?
[03:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[03:27]
Bert Kreischer
And they brought these delicious fried calamari rings. I thought they were deep fried.
[03:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[03:34]
Bert Kreischer
And I just grabbed one and it looked like the perfect fit, and I put it on and it screamed.
[03:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[03:40]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know if you ever had your food scream.
[03:42]
Tom Segura
No. So it was still alive?
[03:44]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I don't know what an does, but when you deep fry it, are you.
[03:48]
Tom Segura
But you're not a big guy in real. In regular life.
[03:51]
Bert Kreischer
What do you mean? That's a big question. Like, put it in context.
[03:55]
Tom Segura
Like, some people.
[03:55]
Bert Kreischer
You're gonna throw the at me?
[03:57]
Tom Segura
Some people like a life.
[03:58]
Bert Kreischer
Like a life ring.
[04:00]
Tom Segura
They're. They're. Their whole life revolves around their. And other people's. Like, that's where their pleasure source is. Like, are you one of those.
[04:08]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, you're like, talking pleasure?
[04:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, like fun.
[04:12]
Bert Kreischer
I'm more like. I like to go behind like a grassy knoll on a busy road and throw raw potatoes at old ladies driving by in cars. They have to be raw like a. Like a picked potato. I just love to throw it and hit, like, the side window while they're driving. And they don't throw them off.
[04:29]
Tom Segura
What's your porn search like? What do you like to look for?
[04:31]
Bert Kreischer
I don't do that ever. No?
[04:34]
Tom Segura
How come?
[04:34]
Bert Kreischer
That's for losers.
[04:35]
Tom Segura
Jesus, I can't.
[04:37]
Bert Kreischer
Use your imagination. I mean, we can think of anything.
[04:42]
Tom Segura
You ever do.
[04:42]
Bert Kreischer
Like, we got people to Mars, we got people to the moon. I don't need to. I can imagine someone. How about a Rot Squishy Squishy Time?
[04:50]
Tom Segura
How about erotic drawings? Do you like those?
[04:52]
Bert Kreischer
It depends if I have a box of crayons.
[04:56]
Tom Segura
Because then.
[04:57]
Bert Kreischer
Because then it gets hot.
[04:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[04:58]
Bert Kreischer
When you're drawn, they melt. No, erotic. I like erotic art.
[05:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. I do too. You know I do too. It makes the imagination work.
[05:08]
Bert Kreischer
Why are you asking about the porn thing? Do you. Do you indulge in that?
[05:12]
Tom Segura
Well, I thought we were going to watch them today. I didn't know.
[05:13]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, we are.
[05:14]
Tom Segura
We don't have to.
[05:15]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, God. Do we have to?
[05:17]
Tom Segura
No, I just said we don't.
[05:19]
Bert Kreischer
You can watch it, but I'll put. I'll block it.
[05:21]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[05:21]
Bert Kreischer
Because I don't want to watch it.
[05:22]
Tom Segura
You don't want to see any of it?
[05:24]
Bert Kreischer
No. Last time I was here you tried to make me watch a guy pee in his own mouth. Like I'm not going to. Nice try, Captain Crunch. God. So the waffle iron, are you on? God.
[05:40]
Tom Segura
Okay, that's bananas.
[05:45]
Bert Kreischer
But what about you with arseholes? They're called arseholes, by the way.
[05:48]
Tom Segura
That's how the English say it.
[05:49]
Bert Kreischer
That's how this, the, the squid fishermen say it. Down off the coast of Newfoundland, which.
[05:54]
Tom Segura
Is where you're from.
[05:55]
Bert Kreischer
Let me kick you in the arsehole thereby. Yeah, let's go out jigging for squid, you dirty old arsehol. Yeah. Did you let me sniff your arsehole in the sun there, friend?
[06:06]
Tom Segura
Don't you feel like a girl can have just too gamey of an asshole some days?
[06:10]
Bert Kreischer
Like there's a Monopoly hotel sticking out of it.
[06:12]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[06:13]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I've had that happen. Or the little car. The boot.
[06:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
[06:19]
Bert Kreischer
Sometimes they get. I don't know, I guess I get. Look, dude, it's an arsehole. Of course it's gonna smell gamey. What do you, what do you think it smells like? Like potpourri in there. Think it smells like a. Like a Thanksgiving dinner with stuffing? No, it's an arsehole. It's going to smell beyond gamey. Well, it's going to smell like skanky. It's going to smell like carrion. You know what carrion is? You don't? I think you do.
[06:47]
Tom Segura
Well, I used to work on a farm.
[06:49]
Bert Kreischer
Okay? Rack your brain, let's go, let's go. Let's find out what care. I think you know what carrion is.
[06:56]
Tom Segura
We didn't have that on the farm.
[06:57]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, you're sitting here as a 41 year old man telling me you don't know what carrion is. Suges Segura, Tommy.
[07:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah. What's carrion?
[07:11]
Bert Kreischer
Carrion? Yeah, that's decomposed flesh, like from a dead carcass.
[07:15]
Tom Segura
Oh.
[07:16]
Bert Kreischer
I guess that's what vultures eat. Carry on.
[07:18]
Tom Segura
Well, we were a sheep farm, and so that's where I learned to make cashmere and stuff when I was in college. So I.
[07:24]
Bert Kreischer
How do we go from talking about the stank on an arse.
[07:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[07:27]
Bert Kreischer
To you wearing a sweater?
[07:30]
Tom Segura
Making sweaters.
[07:31]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, those two things don't jive. They should have. So does someone need to go to dialogue school over here? Like. Yeah, maybe that's like the Titanic hitting the Edmund Fitzgerald and, you know.
[07:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[07:45]
Bert Kreischer
Come on.
[07:46]
Tom Segura
I know. You're totally right.
[07:47]
Bert Kreischer
You talk. We were talking arseholes, and suddenly you're shearing sheep and putting on a sweater.
[07:51]
Tom Segura
I know.
[07:52]
Bert Kreischer
If you're not Richie Cunningham, I need you to slam the pie and put an apple cobbler in your face.
[07:59]
Tom Segura
No. You told.
[08:00]
Bert Kreischer
What are you doing to me here, guy? It's either arse or sweater. Let's not bleed them together.
[08:07]
Tom Segura
Let's try.
[08:08]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. It's your show. Well, good Lord.
[08:12]
Tom Segura
Do you remember the first time your butthole got, like, touched in a way that you weren't ready for?
[08:17]
Bert Kreischer
Can you just say arse for me?
[08:19]
Tom Segura
Can your arsenal.
[08:20]
Bert Kreischer
Ours hole? Yeah. Okay. What's the question?
[08:23]
Tom Segura
You remember the first time Somebody just kind of jimmied the lock a little bit and you weren't ready.
[08:29]
Bert Kreischer
How do you mean? Like, just by accident or sexually or.
[08:33]
Tom Segura
Well, I guess in either way, I.
[08:35]
Bert Kreischer
Think it would have to be. In all honesty, when my mama. When I was a little boy, I was sick.
[08:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[08:41]
Bert Kreischer
She put a thermometer in there.
[08:42]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Is that locked into your memory now?
[08:45]
Bert Kreischer
It is, thanks to you.
[08:46]
Tom Segura
Was it traumatic?
[08:47]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I didn't want to ever remember it, but now, like, honestly, my legs are shaking, my heart's having a palpitation.
[08:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[08:54]
Bert Kreischer
And I'm picturing my mother behind bars. Because when I was a kid, I thought it was just natural. I didn't even have a cold.
[09:01]
Tom Segura
She just didn't.
[09:02]
Bert Kreischer
I just woke up and it was sticking out of me arse.
[09:04]
Tom Segura
She thought maybe you didn't seem well, so she wanted to check on you.
[09:09]
Bert Kreischer
Well, what really sucks is the week before, I had a real cold and it was in my mouth.
[09:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[09:18]
Bert Kreischer
Like, dude.
[09:19]
Tom Segura
Well, that's the right order.
[09:20]
Bert Kreischer
A lot of kids in my family. Yeah.
[09:22]
Tom Segura
How many brothers and sisters?
[09:24]
Bert Kreischer
Four sisters, guy.
[09:25]
Tom Segura
Four sisters.
[09:26]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[09:27]
Tom Segura
Jesus.
[09:27]
Bert Kreischer
It's a lot of arseholes.
[09:29]
Tom Segura
It's a lot of feminine energy in the house.
[09:30]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But, yeah, I think that was The. That was the only time I remember, like, diddling.
[09:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah, Being diddled.
[09:38]
Bert Kreischer
I remember this as a little boy because you seem to have this, a fascination with our soul. So I'm going to tell you, as a little boy, I did have a moment where my neighbor, who was a girl, she came over to the house and my sisters were sort of goading me on. My two older sisters were in my bedroom. They were there. I was there. My neighbor was there. This girl, like a year younger than me. I was probably 9 or 10 at this point. And I asked the girl, I said, do you want to play doctor? And she said, yes, yes. So she laid down. We went under my bed because I had a high wooden bed. We went under my bed because that's where doctors go. I think they do.
[10:27]
Tom Segura
A lot of them practice right beneath a bed.
[10:29]
Bert Kreischer
So I told her, pull down your pants. And for some reason, I was one of those kids that collected all kinds of contraptions. So my room was full of weird stuff.
[10:41]
Tom Segura
You put it in her ass.
[10:42]
Bert Kreischer
What?
[10:43]
Tom Segura
Oh, keep going.
[10:45]
Bert Kreischer
Put what in her arse?
[10:46]
Tom Segura
No, no, no, Just keep going.
[10:47]
Bert Kreischer
So anyways, my sisters were there. I had all this weird stuff in my room. I had a pencil and I had a really long test tube. Yeah, like a really long glass test tube. And I had one of those bags that you put soccer balls in at a gym. You know, they've got little holes in them. It's like a big. It's like a garbage bag, but it's cloth and it has holes for some reason. I had one of those. So I told Lori Jo, I said, do you want to play doctor? And she said, yes. We went under the bed, my sisters were there giggling. I said, I don't want you to watch. So I put the soccer bag over both my sisters because they were younger. So it fit. Yeah, but it's full of holes so that they could see. And I said, let's go under the bed. I'm going to catch a fart. So I put the pencil in her butt with the test tube over it, hoping she would fart and I would catch the fart in the test tube. And all I could hear were my sisters giggling under a soccer bag. I'm under the bed being, I guess, a fart doctor.
[11:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's the best kind of doctor. Did you become proficient at catching farts in, like, Mason jars and.
[12:00]
Bert Kreischer
No, I became proficient at being humiliated for the rest of my life because my sisters still bug me about it.
[12:06]
Tom Segura
About being the fart doc?
[12:08]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah. Well, Chad Farts are hard to catch.
[12:12]
Tom Segura
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[13:27]
Harlan Williams
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[14:34]
Tom Segura
I remember being a little older, like maybe eighth grade.
[14:37]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[14:38]
Tom Segura
And I was at Peter Stark's house.
[14:40]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, Big Pete.
[14:41]
Tom Segura
Big Pete.
[14:42]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[14:42]
Tom Segura
And I. As a joke, I. I pulled my pants down and I spread my cheeks and towards him. And then when I turned around, he was just ghost white.
[14:56]
Bert Kreischer
What?
[14:56]
Tom Segura
And his eyes, he was like, dude. And I go, what?
[14:59]
Bert Kreischer
Oh.
[15:00]
Tom Segura
He goes, do you just hair, I guess. There was just so much back there.
[15:05]
Bert Kreischer
How old were you?
[15:06]
Tom Segura
Like 14.
[15:07]
Bert Kreischer
And you already had hair around the starfish a lot?
[15:10]
Tom Segura
I think a substantial amount.
[15:12]
Bert Kreischer
Are you Greek?
[15:13]
Tom Segura
No.
[15:13]
Bert Kreischer
Armenian? Sasquatch?
[15:17]
Tom Segura
A little bit, yeah. And then another time, I remember I was hanging out with these Dominican girls.
[15:22]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[15:23]
Tom Segura
And they were like, we've never seen a white dick.
[15:26]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, no.
[15:27]
Tom Segura
And I was like, oh, that's too bad. They're like, can we see yours?
[15:29]
Bert Kreischer
Whoa.
[15:32]
Tom Segura
And well, I was like, I don't know. And they're like, come on. It was three of them. So I was like, this is a pretty good opportunity, you know, so.
[15:39]
Bert Kreischer
Whoa.
[15:40]
Tom Segura
But I was too. I was like, I need to fluff it, you know?
[15:43]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
[15:44]
Tom Segura
Like, give it a little smack.
[15:45]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[15:45]
Tom Segura
So I was like, I don't know. Let me think about. I would go in the other room and just like, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack. I'd come back and I would talk to them and they're like, come on. I was like, hold on a second. And I would leave. I go, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack. And then when I finally felt like there was enough like, you know, girth. Yeah. Then I was like, oh, here you go. And they were like, yo, it's so white. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm white. Open your mouth.
[16:08]
Bert Kreischer
You know it's pink, right? Yeah. White guy. Yeah. And especially if you were slapping it around like a hostage in an Iranian prison.
[16:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[16:17]
Bert Kreischer
You should have been a deep, deep pink. Maybe even Barney purple.
[16:22]
Tom Segura
But they were like, why isn't it darker? I was like, because I'm not. What the fuck are you talking about? Like, yeah. Anyway, it didn't go where I wanted.
[16:30]
Bert Kreischer
Can we just reverse a little back to you? Spread eagling for your buddy and showing him your arse.
[16:36]
Tom Segura
Oh, Peter.
[16:36]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. How does that happen?
[16:39]
Tom Segura
Just dudes being dudes, man.
[16:40]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I remember going to my buddy's place. Hey, can I see your hockey cards? Hey, can I see your Hot Wheels? I never remember saying, can you show me your one eyed cyclops I don't.
[16:50]
Tom Segura
Think he requested it. I think you were just.
[16:52]
Bert Kreischer
You were curious.
[16:53]
Tom Segura
I just wanted him to see it. I thought it'd be fun to, like, hey, here, look at my asshole. You know?
[16:58]
Bert Kreischer
So once he made the statement that I've never seen anything, why is there so much hair on it?
[17:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[17:03]
Bert Kreischer
Did that sort of send you into a tailspin? That you were not a normal kid? That there was something odd, that it.
[17:09]
Tom Segura
Really made me think just how much hair I have. Right. Like body hair. And I was obviously still in the developing phase, but obviously it threw him to the point where he was like, bro, what is.
[17:23]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, it probably looked like a Muppet with a black eye.
[17:25]
Tom Segura
There's a lot of hair here.
[17:27]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Let's see again, a little lower.
[17:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[17:31]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, God.
[17:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So just imagine that.
[17:33]
Bert Kreischer
And you're sure you're not Armenian?
[17:35]
Tom Segura
I don't think so. No.
[17:37]
Bert Kreischer
I think you might be.
[17:38]
Tom Segura
Maybe I am.
[17:38]
Bert Kreischer
Thank you. What's your last name again?
[17:40]
Tom Segura
Segura. Yeah, that's Armenian.
[17:43]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Idiot.
[17:46]
Tom Segura
Wait, what's Williams?
[17:48]
Bert Kreischer
Huh?
[17:48]
Tom Segura
What's Williams?
[17:49]
Bert Kreischer
Vietnamese.
[17:51]
Tom Segura
It is?
[17:51]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. From the south side. Oh, South Vietnamese.
[17:56]
Tom Segura
I guess I'm more familiar with, like, Nguyen. Like, it's like. I guess that's a North Vietnamese last name.
[18:02]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Is how you say it in. Yeah.
[18:11]
Tom Segura
Hair salon is in Houston.
[18:13]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, wow.
[18:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[18:14]
Bert Kreischer
And they should go there and get your treated.
[18:17]
Tom Segura
I probably should. Can you show us?
[18:24]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, this is. Okay.
[18:26]
Tom Segura
Do you know what some people mistake that for sometimes?
[18:29]
Bert Kreischer
Hold on. Bish. Yeah.
[18:34]
Tom Segura
You're pretty close.
[18:35]
Bert Kreischer
Wow. That's also a sex act in West Hollywood, by the way.
[18:41]
Tom Segura
Is it?
[18:41]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[18:41]
Tom Segura
Do you live in West Hollywood?
[18:43]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[18:43]
Tom Segura
Where do you live?
[18:45]
Bert Kreischer
I live in the hills.
[18:47]
Tom Segura
Up in the hills.
[18:47]
Bert Kreischer
Hollywood Hills? Yeah.
[18:48]
Tom Segura
That's big time. You're big shot.
[18:50]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
[18:50]
Tom Segura
The biggest big shots live in the North.
[18:52]
Bert Kreischer
Bigger than me.
[18:53]
Tom Segura
Big shots live in the hills. Don't even try to act.
[18:55]
Bert Kreischer
I look down on George Clooney's house cherry.
[18:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[18:59]
Bert Kreischer
I'll watch Geena Davis sunbathe nude from my perch.
[19:04]
Tom Segura
That's awesome.
[19:05]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I've seen Mason Reese rolling around with Clint Eastwood son in the sunset.
[19:11]
Tom Segura
No shit.
[19:12]
Bert Kreischer
I've seen Rod Stewart spread eagled with blue jays pecking at his nut bag in the early morning mist of Hollywood. Wow. Well, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the Unga Bia for me. Whatever it is.
[19:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[19:28]
Bert Kreischer
What? What do you. How do you see that? When you see that through your hairy asshole eyes, how do you interpret that?
[19:36]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[19:37]
Bert Kreischer
I don't Know what's going through your hairy asshole mind.
[19:43]
Tom Segura
You know, just like a motherfucker is kind of a. Sometimes.
[19:48]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Is your arse hairy to this day? Like, if it was that hairy at 14.
[19:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[19:57]
Bert Kreischer
Like, let's say the pubes were this long, maybe, right? Like, are they like. Like, do you have dreadlocks down there now?
[20:04]
Tom Segura
Can you pull up like a Super Jam jamming? I mean, I do. I know this.
[20:10]
Bert Kreischer
Like, did you shoot the sheriff? And you don't care. Like, what. How long are your.
[20:14]
Tom Segura
I'll say this. Most of the time when I'm in the toilet, I'm just wiping, man.
[20:19]
Bert Kreischer
What do you mean?
[20:20]
Tom Segura
Well, like the top of your head.
[20:22]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[20:23]
Tom Segura
Is probably close to what my looks like.
[20:26]
Bert Kreischer
So. Full of hair plugs.
[20:28]
Tom Segura
Exactly.
[20:29]
Bert Kreischer
Wow.
[20:30]
Tom Segura
So imagine.
[20:31]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, God, dude.
[20:33]
Tom Segura
I guess.
[20:33]
Bert Kreischer
I think the arse is gone. That looks like a rotten pumpkin.
[20:38]
Tom Segura
That's me.
[20:39]
Bert Kreischer
I am not looking at that.
[20:41]
Tom Segura
What are you talking about? Whoa, dude, that's me on the right there.
[20:46]
Bert Kreischer
I'm sure it is.
[20:47]
Tom Segura
That's my photo.
[20:48]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I'm sure that's your passport.
[20:51]
Tom Segura
Is that a baby underneath someone's asshole?
[20:53]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God.
[20:55]
Tom Segura
Is that what that is?
[20:56]
Bert Kreischer
Can we go back to the. Or whatever it was?
[20:59]
Tom Segura
The fuck is that, bro?
[21:01]
Bert Kreischer
It's a bald guy kissing a baby.
[21:03]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. That's a bald guy kissing a baby.
[21:07]
Bert Kreischer
Where?
[21:08]
Tom Segura
On the right there.
[21:10]
Bert Kreischer
That's an ass crack about to swallow a baby. What are you talking about?
[21:16]
Tom Segura
That's amazing.
[21:17]
Bert Kreischer
Monster. Oh, it is. You're right. That's his shoulders.
[21:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:20]
Bert Kreischer
I thought that ass crack was about to swallow a little Chinese.
[21:23]
Tom Segura
I was about to call Child Services on this person.
[21:26]
Bert Kreischer
I was about to call Molly Maid. I don't even know what that means. Okay, can we not?
[21:32]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[21:32]
Bert Kreischer
All right. We go back to the B. NA or whatever it was.
[21:36]
Tom Segura
Should I get the laser treatment, you think?
[21:39]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, I think you need a snow shovel.
[21:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I know, right?
[21:42]
Bert Kreischer
Scrape that off. Like. Dude, it's like if your arse looks like that.
[21:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:50]
Bert Kreischer
I don't want to show you how for Thanksgiving.
[21:52]
Tom Segura
I'll show you right here. You want to see it?
[21:53]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[21:54]
Tom Segura
For real?
[21:54]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, dude.
[22:05]
Tom Segura
Bad.
[22:07]
Bert Kreischer
I just feel like I looked at a panda that got hit by a truck. What the hell was that? Yeah, I can't even see any pink. It's so hairy in there. It's like if Kenny G fell into the Grand Canyon and couldn't get out. Like, that's what it looked like.
[22:24]
Tom Segura
Dude, I just got so excited because this is the first time since Peter Stark that somebody.
[22:28]
Bert Kreischer
That. I took a look.
[22:29]
Tom Segura
That a friend. Yeah.
[22:31]
Bert Kreischer
Isn't it funny? I won't look at a picture on a screen.
[22:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[22:34]
Bert Kreischer
Of an anonymous artist, but here I am, more than happy to look at your freakin.
[22:39]
Tom Segura
I know, it's gross.
[22:40]
Bert Kreischer
Cyclops. Pink eye.
[22:41]
Tom Segura
I'm going to make you a sweater. Here's the thing. I'm going to make you a cashmere.
[22:45]
Bert Kreischer
Sweater with your ass hair.
[22:46]
Tom Segura
Well, you know, we could actually make an ass hair sweater.
[22:49]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, you could?
[22:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[22:50]
Bert Kreischer
You can make Barry Manilow's spring fucking clothing line. Dude, you can make an Armenian boat.
[22:59]
Tom Segura
Will you show me yours?
[23:00]
Bert Kreischer
What?
[23:01]
Tom Segura
Your asshole.
[23:05]
Bert Kreischer
Can we do it later? Like, I like to do it when there's a little romance. Like, studio lights are one thing, but if we could do it in the moonlight with crickets chirping and.
[23:15]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[23:15]
Bert Kreischer
Maybe some REO Speedwagon playing in the background. Yeah, Then I might.
[23:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[23:21]
Bert Kreischer
And could you throw in a KFC Family Fun Pack or a Baconator?
[23:25]
Tom Segura
Do you like Baconators?
[23:26]
Bert Kreischer
I'll show my R's for a Baconator.
[23:29]
Tom Segura
We can have the guys go get one real quick.
[23:31]
Bert Kreischer
Well, tonight.
[23:31]
Tom Segura
Oh, tonight. Okay.
[23:32]
Bert Kreischer
I said when the moon's up.
[23:33]
Tom Segura
All right. All right. You'll be here tonight?
[23:35]
Bert Kreischer
For you, I will. If we're having an arse session.
[23:38]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[23:39]
Bert Kreischer
Or an arse date. I mean, what do you call it when two guys get together in the moonlight and show their arses?
[23:45]
Tom Segura
What is that?
[23:46]
Bert Kreischer
That's probably like an arse date. I know, a midnight arse date.
[23:50]
Tom Segura
One of my friends here, he's a big fan of looking at other guys.
[23:56]
Bert Kreischer
Really?
[23:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[23:57]
Bert Kreischer
Is any here who ain't a what? He's in the building, not in the control room.
[24:02]
Tom Segura
Oh, damn.
[24:02]
Bert Kreischer
What's his name?
[24:03]
Tom Segura
Any.
[24:04]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I said Annie, which made sense.
[24:09]
Tom Segura
Any Anus, we call him.
[24:10]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[24:16]
Tom Segura
He loves.
[24:18]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, I've known you a long time.
[24:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[24:20]
Bert Kreischer
And I never thought on this day in 2025, yeah. I'd see, you know, Stuart Little's mouse hole.
[24:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah, bro.
[24:28]
Bert Kreischer
No, no.
[24:28]
Tom Segura
See, what you're not gonna do. What you're not gonna do, bro, is just spread these lies. Harlan, I love you, bro. I've been a fan of you since Rocket Man. Don't believe this man's lies. He's a crazy man. That's funny.
[24:43]
Bert Kreischer
What's he denying? What? What am I?
[24:45]
Tom Segura
Everything that he says about me.
[24:47]
Bert Kreischer
Everything. Okay.
[24:48]
Tom Segura
Everything. Harlan, I love you, though.
[24:50]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, thank you.
[24:51]
Tom Segura
Interrupt you.
[24:51]
Bert Kreischer
No worries, Tom.
[24:52]
Tom Segura
Be crazy important.
[24:54]
Bert Kreischer
It's important that he set the record straight.
[24:56]
Tom Segura
He's got a good voice, doesn't he?
[24:57]
Bert Kreischer
He does, yeah. Might want to bring him tonight when we're having our arse date.
[25:02]
Tom Segura
Well, if he's not at some other event with other guys. Assholes.
[25:05]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but that. Boys, he could do the color commentary like he's watching a sports game.
[25:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he's got. He's got a smooth jazz 102 kind of. Yes. Yeah.
[25:14]
Bert Kreischer
Tom's pull his pants. The moons reflecting off his left ass cheek.
[25:19]
Tom Segura
102.7. Harlan, I love you, baby. This one goes out to you, Thomas. See?
[25:25]
Bert Kreischer
Save it for tonight, guy. Oh.
[25:30]
Tom Segura
If you like this type of chat, don't forget to check out Harlan Highway Podcast.
[25:35]
Bert Kreischer
Harlan Highway Podcast. I got to get you on there, dude.
[25:38]
Tom Segura
I'd love to. Come on.
[25:38]
Bert Kreischer
You've been dancing around it for five years, and I've only been doing the podcast for two.
[25:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[25:44]
Bert Kreischer
So we got to get you on there. You. We almost did it last time you were out. We were. We were changing, exchanging texts, and you were almost here, but then something came up and you had to bolt. But we'll catch you.
[25:53]
Tom Segura
I come to LA a lot.
[25:54]
Bert Kreischer
We'll get you next time. I think once we have our AR state, you're going to be more compelled because you. I think we're going to feel closer.
[26:01]
Tom Segura
Oh, we definitely will.
[26:02]
Bert Kreischer
And you'll probably, in the back of your head go, oh, sure, I'll do Harlan's pod. And while I'm there, probably it'll lead to an ass date that night that I'm in. Or an arse date.
[26:11]
Tom Segura
I'm in.
[26:12]
Bert Kreischer
I'm in.
[26:13]
Tom Segura
What's the. What's going on with Canada?
[26:16]
Bert Kreischer
Talk to me, guy. Like, that's a very broad. Like, Canada is the second biggest piece of geography, the second biggest country in the world. And when you say, what's going on with Canada.
[26:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[26:25]
Bert Kreischer
That encapsulates so much. So you need to narrow it down. Nacho, put it in a family fun pack and help Daddy get organized.
[26:33]
Tom Segura
Okay. What's going on with Canada's governing?
[26:37]
Bert Kreischer
Well, they just reelected the Liberal government.
[26:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[26:40]
Bert Kreischer
Which is odd to me because they despised and refuted it.
[26:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[26:44]
Bert Kreischer
They. They literally threw their liberal prime minister up because they hated what he was doing so much.
[26:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[26:51]
Bert Kreischer
So to protest that and affirm how much they hated him, they reelected a guy that he appointed before they kicked him out.
[27:01]
Tom Segura
So I.
[27:01]
Bert Kreischer
So now I guess his legacy and his policies continue. So I'm confounded. I would think if you hated a leader so much and his policies, you wouldn't Want the second guy that he put in there to take over. So I'm a little confused as to why they did it. I don't have a horse in the race. I don't live there. Yeah, but it's. I'm a little confused, to be honest.
[27:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Which prompted my question, what's going on with Canada?
[27:27]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's a little odd.
[27:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[27:29]
Bert Kreischer
It's like if you hated a leader so much, like if this country hated Trump so much and everyone pushed them out and then they said, you know, let's put in a guy that he hand picked to replace him. Well, you're still going to get a lot of the same stuff, right, J.D.
[27:44]
Tom Segura
Vance or something.
[27:45]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. So I don't know, but I guess it's a, It's a. It's a democratic process. They voted for it. So, you know, you make your bed, you sleep in it. Right.
[27:54]
Tom Segura
Do you still go a lot?
[27:56]
Bert Kreischer
I do every second night.
[27:58]
Tom Segura
Every second night you go to Canada.
[27:59]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, no, you just said, do I go a lot.
[28:01]
Tom Segura
Oh, to the bathroom.
[28:02]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[28:03]
Tom Segura
What?
[28:05]
Bert Kreischer
Power slam, bro.
[28:06]
Tom Segura
Oh, power slam.
[28:07]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[28:08]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[28:08]
Bert Kreischer
That's the. I mean, you ever been to England?
[28:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[28:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You go a lot, mate. You go, hey. You go, hey, give it a go. Hey, you like to go. So when you said that, I immediately thought of. Thought you meant in the bedroom. Yeah, but do I go to Canada a lot? Yeah, here and there, you know, my home country. So I still have family there now.
[28:30]
Tom Segura
All over the country or.
[28:31]
Bert Kreischer
No, no, mostly in Ontario. Ontario area, they call it Ontario area. Do you want to hear the song? People don't know that Ontario has its own anthem.
[28:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah, let's hear it.
[28:40]
Bert Kreischer
Like, imagine if Texas or Maine or Minnesota had its own anthem.
[28:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[28:46]
Bert Kreischer
Ontario actually, like, Canada has its national anthem. People don't know Ontario has an anthem.
[28:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[28:52]
Bert Kreischer
Give us a place to stand and a place to grow. We'll call this place Ontario. A place to stand, a place to grow On Terry Arye area. Oh, you have a hairy arse. I didn't mean that last part. That's not part of the anthem.
[29:11]
Tom Segura
I'm not gonna even take it like it was a dig at me.
[29:14]
Bert Kreischer
I know it wasn't a dig, but I almost. I added you to the anthem by accident. At the end I accidentally sang you have a hairy arse.
[29:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Have you know the Texas one?
[29:22]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, there is one, yeah. What is it? Your turn, Texas.
[29:27]
Tom Segura
We're the bestest.
[29:29]
Bert Kreischer
You know the hair.
[29:31]
Tom Segura
Turn left on Nexus.
[29:33]
Bert Kreischer
Are you making this up, bro?
[29:34]
Tom Segura
No, that's the song.
[29:35]
Bert Kreischer
Are you BSing me right now?
[29:37]
Tom Segura
Hey, guys, have a stage.
[29:39]
Bert Kreischer
Hold on. Guy.
[29:40]
Tom Segura
Grab a gun, Guy. What?
[29:42]
Bert Kreischer
I'm an invited guest, okay? That makes me sort of special. That makes me a special invited guest.
[29:50]
Tom Segura
Agree.
[29:50]
Bert Kreischer
So if you think I'm gonna sit here in this kid's school or whatever this is.
[29:56]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[29:57]
Bert Kreischer
And be BSD by Dr. Johnny Harry asshole over here, you got the wrong guy.
[30:04]
Tom Segura
Texas is the best.
[30:06]
Bert Kreischer
This is real now.
[30:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Make a left on Nexus. Grab a steak and grab your gun. All we do is have some fun Come to Texas. Like, that's. It's like, that's the. Those are the words.
[30:16]
Bert Kreischer
I like it. But what's Nexus? Take a look.
[30:19]
Tom Segura
It's a big highway. It's out here.
[30:21]
Bert Kreischer
So take a left on. Nexus is in the anthem.
[30:24]
Tom Segura
It's in the anthem. Yeah. Because the Highway 35 is also called the Nexus.
[30:29]
Bert Kreischer
It sounds a little too regional. Like, is there any, like, lines about go to the Dollar store or shop at Winn Dixie Bucky's.
[30:36]
Tom Segura
There's a line about BUC EE's in there.
[30:38]
Bert Kreischer
How's that? What's that one? I didn't hear it.
[30:40]
Tom Segura
It's in the second stop at Bucky's. Yeah.
[30:49]
Bert Kreischer
Is there a song about your arsehole in there?
[30:52]
Tom Segura
There's.
[30:53]
Bert Kreischer
There's a song, a line in the anthem about your arsehole. Because that's got to be a Texas treasure.
[30:58]
Tom Segura
A Texas My arsehole?
[31:00]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[31:01]
Tom Segura
I've only been here a few years.
[31:02]
Bert Kreischer
But I'm sure people of this fine state recognize that your arsehole is a 2 true. Treasure it.
[31:09]
Tom Segura
I would. I wish more. Honestly.
[31:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[31:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I wish more would.
[31:13]
Bert Kreischer
Maybe we could start, like, a petition to get your arsehole weaved into the Texas anthem.
[31:19]
Tom Segura
That would be awesome. Yeah.
[31:20]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Yeah, it would be awesome. Good for you.
[31:23]
Tom Segura
Thanks, man.
[31:24]
Bert Kreischer
You're welcome, friend.
[31:27]
Tom Segura
I'd like to get your measurements before you leave.
[31:29]
Bert Kreischer
I'm about 15 inches from where. Pardon? What was that?
[31:36]
Tom Segura
I'm gonna make you a sweater.
[31:38]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, Got. Yeah.
[31:40]
Tom Segura
What do you think I was saying?
[31:42]
Bert Kreischer
Well, you asked. What'd you ask for?
[31:45]
Tom Segura
Measurements.
[31:47]
Bert Kreischer
15.
[31:49]
Tom Segura
I'm talking about, like, sleeve. I gotta take it.
[31:52]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, okay. Because I wouldn't really want a sweater for that area anyways.
[31:57]
Tom Segura
What are you talking about?
[31:59]
Bert Kreischer
Just stuff. Pink stuff. Veiny stuff.
[32:03]
Tom Segura
Jesus Christ.
[32:04]
Bert Kreischer
With a mushroom cap on it, dude. Like a pizza.
[32:08]
Tom Segura
What's your favorite pizza?
[32:09]
Bert Kreischer
You're what? I didn't say anything, guy. I didn't say anything. Off. It's your own show. But I'm gonna have to ask you to roll your chair back about 3 inches and off. Hey, dude, I know it's your show. Oh, here's what I'm asking.
[32:26]
Tom Segura
Never heard you say the F word.
[32:27]
Bert Kreischer
Roll your chair back about 3 inches and off. Real nice for daddy. 3 inches guy. Surely you can do a 3 inch off for me.
[32:37]
Tom Segura
Why do you keep saying the F word?
[32:39]
Bert Kreischer
Because we're buds.
[32:41]
Tom Segura
I've never heard you speak like this.
[32:43]
Bert Kreischer
2 inches. Can you do a 2 inch roll back and do a real deep fuck off?
[32:48]
Tom Segura
Well, can you stop saying that?
[32:51]
Bert Kreischer
Well, you just showed me your arsehole and I'm not allowed to say the F word.
[32:55]
Tom Segura
That's a different level.
[32:57]
Bert Kreischer
Did you just roll two? Yeah, fuck off.
[32:59]
Tom Segura
I did.
[33:00]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. But I had to verify. I didn't know you'd rolled back already.
[33:04]
Tom Segura
You saw me do it.
[33:05]
Bert Kreischer
I know, but I wanted to verify as a polite person. I wanted to confirm before I effed you.
[33:11]
Tom Segura
Nicotine pouch.
[33:12]
Bert Kreischer
No, thanks. I'm straight. By the way, I tried one of those.
[33:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[33:22]
Bert Kreischer
I was doing a gig in Kansas City.
[33:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[33:25]
Bert Kreischer
My opener was this girl comic. I forget her name. My apologies.
[33:29]
Tom Segura
Some fucking broad. Yeah.
[33:31]
Bert Kreischer
And she's like eating those things all weekend.
[33:35]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[33:35]
Bert Kreischer
And finally they're nicotine things, right?
[33:38]
Tom Segura
Nicotine, yes, straight.
[33:39]
Bert Kreischer
So I said, what are those? She goes, oh, they're little nicotine things. I've never had a cigarette in my life.
[33:52]
Tom Segura
What strength was it? Do you know the milligrams?
[33:56]
Bert Kreischer
Are you laughing? Because I never had a cigarette. Are you laughing about the story?
[34:00]
Tom Segura
I know what's gonna happen. Yeah.
[34:01]
Bert Kreischer
So she said, do you want one? And I said, I'll take one. I'm not gonna have it now. But I go, what do they do? She goes, oh, it just gives you a little buzz, like a little kick. And I thought, I've always heard about nicotine. I've always heard about the addiction and cigarettes. Never experienced.
[34:18]
Tom Segura
All made up, by the way, but keep going.
[34:20]
Bert Kreischer
So she gives me one little pack like you have. Yeah, I don't know that. They come in different strengths. I take it home with me. I think it sat around for about a month.
[34:30]
Tom Segura
Oh, wow.
[34:31]
Bert Kreischer
And one morning I was just sitting at my computers, probably like 10 in the morning, and I was feeling a little groggy and I was like, you know, you have like, you're just like. You can't get the motor going. And the thing was, say, go. You know what, let's see what happens. And I put it in there, thinking I'd get like this little tiny buzz, like after You've had your first beer. Yeah, dude, this thing hit me. I almost fainted. I literally. I had it in my mouth for about maybe eight minutes and I thought, oh, it'll level off, but it just kept going. I literally took it out. I wobbled back to my house and I had to lay down for almost six hours. I almost threw up.
[35:12]
Tom Segura
Six hours?
[35:13]
Bert Kreischer
Six hours. I went right back to sleep. I almost fainted. Like, dude, you do another one after that? No, never. Dude. I'm not even joking. It was brutal.
[35:23]
Tom Segura
Wow. I wonder what dosage it was.
[35:25]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know, but, I mean, it was a girl, so it could have been that much, right?
[35:30]
Tom Segura
Girls.
[35:32]
Bert Kreischer
Girls can't do what guys do, right? No, I didn't say that. You did.
[35:38]
Tom Segura
Well, I said it.
[35:39]
Bert Kreischer
I think you just said that I was doing things with my eyes, but I think you said it, not me. If you play the tape back, we can do that.
[35:47]
Tom Segura
We can actually do that.
[35:49]
Bert Kreischer
Good.
[35:49]
Tom Segura
Guys, play the tape back. Get it. Get it ready while they get it ready.
[35:56]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[35:56]
Tom Segura
Do you drink alcohol?
[35:58]
Bert Kreischer
A little bit here and there.
[35:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah. But what's a little bit for you? You're from Ontario.
[36:01]
Bert Kreischer
I probably drink it maybe. Maybe once, twice a year.
[36:07]
Tom Segura
Once or twice a year. What, special occasions?
[36:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, if I. If I just happen to, you know, run into it and it's like I'm at a party or something. But it's very rare. When I was younger, I did it.
[36:19]
Tom Segura
Extremely rare.
[36:20]
Bert Kreischer
When I was younger, I did it a little bit more. But I was never. Like many major alcohols, I've never had, like rye and whiskey and.
[36:28]
Tom Segura
You've never had.
[36:29]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I've never tasted a lot of true, true alcohol.
[36:33]
Tom Segura
Well, you've had beer.
[36:34]
Bert Kreischer
I've had beer. Beer is the one I sort of started. I tried wine and then I had my first margarita about seven years ago. I'd never had tequila my whole life. I'd never had whiskey. I think vodka. Vodka. I think I had one screwdriver once. Like a couple of sips.
[36:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[36:52]
Bert Kreischer
But I've never. Yeah.
[36:53]
Tom Segura
So nothing really, like, got you going then? Because otherwise you probably would have had it more.
[36:57]
Bert Kreischer
No, I loved it. Like, the effect of being drunk or buzzed is wonderful, but I just. I was always very leery of it because I always was worried it would cause damage to my instrument.
[37:12]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:13]
Bert Kreischer
I knew I wasn't going to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone that could make a living off of. Out of a book, out of academia.
[37:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:22]
Bert Kreischer
I knew my living would probably come from my instrument. My Creativity, my ability to think on the fly, to be creative.
[37:31]
Tom Segura
Well, you were right. You were right.
[37:33]
Bert Kreischer
So I've been very protective of my noggin, as they say.
[37:36]
Tom Segura
And so no drugs?
[37:38]
Bert Kreischer
Very, very little. Try smoked pot a few times.
[37:41]
Tom Segura
Acid?
[37:43]
Bert Kreischer
I don't want to say. But if I did go to Burning man, that might have been the place where I tried it. Mushrooms and same there. Yeah.
[37:51]
Tom Segura
Cocaine?
[37:51]
Bert Kreischer
No. Never. Never tried cocaine.
[37:54]
Tom Segura
Heroin?
[37:54]
Bert Kreischer
No. No.
[37:55]
Tom Segura
Meth?
[37:56]
Bert Kreischer
No. Nothing hard like that? No, no.
[37:58]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[37:59]
Bert Kreischer
Very careful. There's things I've tried once out of curiosity, and. And that's it.
[38:07]
Tom Segura
What about Molly?
[38:08]
Bert Kreischer
You get once.
[38:09]
Tom Segura
Once.
[38:09]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, once. And. And by the way, marvel it. Like, I. I'm not endorsing it, but what a night I had. Like, I loved it.
[38:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[38:17]
Bert Kreischer
It was euphoric and beautiful, but I'm disciplined enough to go, okay, you tried it. You tasted the flavor. Move like, don't go back.
[38:26]
Tom Segura
Wow, that's incredible that you're able to do that.
[38:28]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I am. I'm. I was just more curious. But I also have an active imagination, so I wanted to see.
[38:34]
Tom Segura
I have friends that do that so regularly.
[38:37]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And maybe it doesn't do anything, but I just. I just. My assumption was that if you alter the chemistry and the biology, that's already been created.
[38:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[38:49]
Bert Kreischer
Maybe it's not. Not a healthy thing, but maybe it is. I'm. What do I know? I'm not right about anything.
[38:55]
Tom Segura
Well, I don't know about that. I mean, that's a very, you know, smart thought of yours, to be able to. And disciplined, that you're able to say, I want to try this very careful once. Yeah.
[39:06]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Very careful about it.
[39:08]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[39:09]
Bert Kreischer
But, you know, then there's that old adage like, and I don't lean towards this, but I could also be open to it. You hear these. These stories about very creative people, you know, songwriters and poets and. And, you know, drugs. Mankowski and Jackson Pollock and, you know, so many creative people. Hitler, Very creative. They. I don't know whether they thrived being under the influence or maybe it suppressed the more, but, you know, who's to say which end of the outcome served them better or served the world or society better? You know, some artists might not have thrived if they didn't have their dependencies, and we never would have seen their work.
[39:56]
Tom Segura
That's true. Yeah. And possible a lot of them, you know, people make the case that you don't need the drugs to be as creative as they were, but then some of them have a lifetime of drug uses and they were super creative.
[40:08]
Bert Kreischer
Well, the thing that always bothers me about that is you do have a lot of these rock stars and people, and then they get later in life and they get clean, and they more often than not come out with these statements like, man, I just see everything so clear now. Yeah, what was I doing? And I wish I'd never done that. And imagine what I would have done if I never, you know, tried all this stuff. And so you. So I. I think the answer is. There's no real answer, but I would just say be careful of what you got, because I think maybe in the moment you gain something creatively. But maybe down the road, does it lead to damage or does it lead to hindering your. Whatever it is your. Your mind is pursuing? And the mind can go down so many beautiful rabbit holes.
[40:56]
Tom Segura
I think the old thing that I think it was. Reagan said he was like, do drugs, but just don't do them too much. And that's really the whole.
[41:04]
Bert Kreischer
Ronald Reagan said that?
[41:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he said that. Like, he's like, if you want to try drugs, you should try them. Just don't do them. Don't do too much. And I think that's the way to.
[41:12]
Bert Kreischer
Sure. That was Reagan.
[41:13]
Tom Segura
Pretty sure. If it wasn't him, it was probably Carter.
[41:16]
Bert Kreischer
I think Reagan said, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
[41:22]
Tom Segura
That's another thing he said.
[41:24]
Bert Kreischer
Was he stoned?
[41:25]
Tom Segura
Could have been, yeah. Say. Say the other thing he said as him, do drugs, but just don't do too much.
[41:31]
Bert Kreischer
Mr. Gorbachev, do drugs, but just don't do too much. That.
[41:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I remember.
[41:38]
Bert Kreischer
That sounds more. Right.
[41:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that was him. Who's your favorite dictator?
[41:45]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, wow. Good question. Well, this is gonna sound. I don't want to sound the wrong way.
[41:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[41:56]
Bert Kreischer
But Hitler, not for his cruelty to humanity, his heinous, horrible crimes to Jews and all. All kinds of people.
[42:08]
Tom Segura
Right.
[42:09]
Bert Kreischer
And I would say if you take that away, Hitler and his. His pursuits of world domination pushed the limits of technology, pushed the limits of aeronautics, pushed the limits of a lot of things that because of what he did in the war and his race for world domination, pushed these sciences and a lot of what he developed, we now use today.
[42:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[42:44]
Bert Kreischer
And maybe the one pursuit he pursued, which was a master race, he left behind with us a beautiful lesson in what not to do as much as he created things for us that we implement in our everyday lives today. We might not have space flight. We might not have the aeronautics industry. We have. We might not have the Internet. We might not have a Lot of things. Like, he really pushed the envelope.
[43:13]
Tom Segura
Is it fair to say Harlan Williams, big Hitler fan.
[43:18]
Bert Kreischer
No, it'd be fair to say Harland meets Hitler, punches Hitler in the face with a hand carved canoe paddle. Like, slaps him in the face.
[43:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Harlan Williams admires Hitler. Let's just go with that.
[43:33]
Bert Kreischer
No, I'd say Harlan Williams abhors Hitler.
[43:36]
Tom Segura
Oh, okay.
[43:37]
Bert Kreischer
Wants to grab his little mustache face.
[43:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[43:41]
Bert Kreischer
Shove it in your hairy arse, rub it around, and when he comes out, he looks like the Lorax.
[43:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[43:48]
Bert Kreischer
That's how Harlem feels about Hitler. But if we separate the heinous, the genocide.
[43:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[43:55]
Bert Kreischer
And we just extrapolate some of the contributions he inadvertently made as a byproduct.
[44:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[44:03]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, we'd all be hypocrites if we didn't say we all use them to this day. Because a lot of what he developed, we institute in our modern technologies and even probably in the medical field. He did a lot of. He did a lot of horrible things, but he somehow left behind things that we all use.
[44:26]
Tom Segura
I got another bio line for you.
[44:28]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, what?
[44:29]
Tom Segura
Harlan Williams credits Hitler as a big quote, idea guy.
[44:34]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I guess I do. Now, can we say good idea and bad idea guy?
[44:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah, both ends of the idea. Okay.
[44:42]
Bert Kreischer
But I don't think you can dispute that. I mean, an idea is an idea, whether you're Hitler, Saddam Hussein or Einstein.
[44:49]
Tom Segura
I was going to say.
[44:50]
Bert Kreischer
You know what I mean?
[44:51]
Tom Segura
Big Saddam fan.
[44:52]
Bert Kreischer
Like, look at Einstein. Okay. Big idea guy. Right. Equals MC square.
[44:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[44:57]
Bert Kreischer
Well, his math equations led to the creation of the atomic bomb. Now, if I'm breaking down human suffering.
[45:06]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[45:06]
Bert Kreischer
How many people did Hitler kill? I think it was, they say around 12 million. How many people did Hiroshima and Nagasaki and other uses of said nuclear fusion bombs kill or maim or destroyed?
[45:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[45:25]
Bert Kreischer
And this is coming from someone we hold up as a genius, Albert Einstein. So there's a little touch of evil and everything.
[45:35]
Tom Segura
Somebody could go, hitler, Einstein, Hitler, Einstein.
[45:38]
Bert Kreischer
But their arms would probably get really sore because those guys were both well over 180 pounds.
[45:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah, those were.
[45:44]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[45:44]
Tom Segura
Sizable guys.
[45:45]
Bert Kreischer
Like maybe the strong man in the circus could do that with them. But you or I, I think a.
[45:51]
Tom Segura
Lot of people have really forgotten what a wild guy Saddam was. Like.
[45:56]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
[45:57]
Tom Segura
You know, he gets like.
[45:58]
Bert Kreischer
Saddam Hussein?
[45:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah. He gets kind of like throw. Oh, yes. It's like, dude, Saddam was doing it big time. Like he was really running people into the ground. He was gassing people with nerve gas. He was a real tyrant. And I feel like, you know, People don't know how neglected he grew up and abused. And. And it's. It's a real testament to, like, you should hug your kid because otherwise you could end up with a Saddam. And it's pretty gnarly.
[46:29]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah. You think all his evilness came from childhood neglect?
[46:34]
Tom Segura
Well, he was a definite. Like, he's the most textbook psychopath of all dictators. If you.
[46:40]
Bert Kreischer
All of them.
[46:41]
Tom Segura
If you Stalin, if you line them up and you go through Saddam behavior like the guy. Like, we don't know whether.
[46:48]
Bert Kreischer
Wow.
[46:49]
Tom Segura
Whether nurture or. Or your environment is completely the reason why you end up. There you go. As one of those guys. But we do know that he was horribly neglected and abused. And. And he was a. You know, he was a rough street dude well before he had power. And he was. He had killed people before. So you get someone like that, you put him in a position of power, you get Saddam Hussein.
[47:15]
Bert Kreischer
So is it safe to say Tom Segura is a Saddam sympathizer?
[47:22]
Tom Segura
I would say big fan, big fan, big fan. Yeah.
[47:25]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. That's what I'm getting.
[47:28]
Tom Segura
Saddam. Big fan, big fan, big fan.
[47:32]
Bert Kreischer
And how can you not after you just named, like, his laundry list of accomplishments?
[47:36]
Tom Segura
He did a lot that people don't, like, just really, you know, give him credit for.
[47:40]
Bert Kreischer
Well, was there anything as abstract as it was that I was able to pull out some of the benefits of Hitler? Did Saddam leave behind with us anything that might have been beneficial to the world and society?
[47:56]
Tom Segura
Well, he. You know, people don't know sometimes that Baghdad was such a thing. Thriving, incredible economy.
[48:05]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[48:06]
Tom Segura
Like, it was the centerpiece. It was the Paris of the Middle East. Baghdad was. And, you know, when he went in and. And kind of put the brakes on, obviously, like an open market there. And. And. And he took people's homes and businesses and whatever for himself and for the government. You really put the brakes on that society continuing to thrive. And the fact that he. Well, I guess one thing that he. That he did. And this is often the case with dictators, is it's a lot safer of a place to be when they're in power. And then when they leave power, the.
[48:44]
Bert Kreischer
Right.
[48:44]
Tom Segura
The. The. The floodgates open with.
[48:46]
Bert Kreischer
But these are all government things. I'm talking about something concrete that he left behind. Like, let's say he. Out of all his madness, he left us with baklava.
[48:57]
Tom Segura
Oh, right.
[48:57]
Bert Kreischer
Or cinnamon crumble.
[48:59]
Tom Segura
Damn.
[48:59]
Bert Kreischer
Like, did he leave us with a better cell phone? Did he leave us with a cure for leukemia?
[49:05]
Tom Segura
Can we.
[49:05]
Bert Kreischer
Whereas Hitler Saddam as much as I'm not supporting him. But at the end of his reign.
[49:11]
Tom Segura
You quote, said, hitler's a big idea guy.
[49:13]
Bert Kreischer
He's a big idea guy. So he did leave stuff behind that we, we institute into our daily lives every day. But I don't know that Saddam left us. Did he create a better lazy boy chair? Did he create a hands free remote?
[49:28]
Tom Segura
Did he made the mustache more trendy? He definitely left an impact on fashion.
[49:32]
Bert Kreischer
And didn't he also make that thing people wear in the. When they're flying that horseshoe around their neck?
[49:38]
Tom Segura
Okay, here you go.
[49:39]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, here we go. Talk to me.
[49:42]
Tom Segura
Positive aspects of Saddam.
[49:44]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
[49:44]
Tom Segura
He nationalized the Iraq Petroleum Company, which had a major international oil company. The move brought the oil industry under Iraqi control. Was seen as a way to benefit the country economically. Well, okay.
[49:54]
Bert Kreischer
Well, that's his country, though. We're talking about the human race here. What did he do to propel the human race?
[50:00]
Tom Segura
Well, let's just go through them. Let's go through them.
[50:02]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
[50:02]
Tom Segura
Free health care, free healthcare and education for Iraqi citizens. Okay. That's for the country. Again, provided refuge to Palestinians. Okay, let's see. His leadership maintained relative, relatively stable environment. Oh, God, that's not that many.
[50:22]
Bert Kreischer
Big zero.
[50:23]
Tom Segura
I'm a big. Let's go to the negative.
[50:24]
Bert Kreischer
All that stuff, and he did nothing.
[50:26]
Tom Segura
Human rights.
[50:27]
Bert Kreischer
I'm not even seeing cinnamon crumble on there. I thought maybe he invented, by the way, those horseshoe things you put around your neck. And if you ever. If you're a horseshoe guy and you play it in your yard and your neighbors get cranky about the noise, the clanging.
[50:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[50:43]
Bert Kreischer
Throw those neck pillows and play horseshoes. It's as soft as an angel's fart.
[50:48]
Tom Segura
Really.
[50:49]
Bert Kreischer
Just a tip, but let's get back to this. Sorry.
[50:51]
Tom Segura
No, that's.
[50:52]
Bert Kreischer
I didn't want to let that tip go. Play horseshoes. I love horseshoes. Neighbors are like, oh, this incessant horseshoe clanging. I'm going to drown the kids. Like, but you use those things that people use on the airplane planes. It's almost like hearing an angel do a popcorn fart at a Dolly Parton movie.
[51:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
[51:13]
Bert Kreischer
Just saying.
[51:14]
Tom Segura
No, that's a good point.
[51:14]
Bert Kreischer
Man, the tip.
[51:18]
Tom Segura
What did he do?
[51:22]
Bert Kreischer
It looks like nothing, guy. Can we just say your guy did nothing and my guy Hitler did a lot? I mean, not my guy.
[51:28]
Tom Segura
Well, hold on. You just didn't say it was my guy.
[51:30]
Bert Kreischer
You said my guy like my guy side of the argument.
[51:34]
Tom Segura
You did it. I feel like we're doing like a LeBron Jordan thing.
[51:38]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And you're like, your guys got nothing.
[51:42]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[51:43]
Bert Kreischer
And my guy probably gets you from town to town flying faster because of the work he did on jet engines in World War II.
[51:51]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[51:53]
Bert Kreischer
Just saying. Papa don't preach. I'm keeping the baby face.
[51:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[51:59]
Bert Kreischer
Because your face. You look like a Madonna video from the 80s when I look at you.
[52:04]
Tom Segura
Do I really?
[52:05]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, like, cute like that.
[52:07]
Tom Segura
Seriously.
[52:08]
Bert Kreischer
And also, like, I want to shut it off with the remote. Your face. But as a. But it's cute until I.
[52:14]
Tom Segura
Why would you shut it off if it's cute?
[52:15]
Bert Kreischer
Just because sometimes it's too cute. Like a supernova. You know, we all love the sun.
[52:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[52:20]
Bert Kreischer
But when you get a supernova, when a. When a sun or a star explodes in space, it creates a supernova.
[52:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[52:26]
Bert Kreischer
Which is the hottest light. The hottest light almost next to magnesium burning. And then suddenly cute becomes dangerous. So you were on the edge of being too cute.
[52:37]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[52:37]
Bert Kreischer
Where my rods and cones are starting to incinerate.
[52:40]
Tom Segura
I want to write this down.
[52:41]
Bert Kreischer
And Daddy don't need no health issues for coming on Two Koalas in a bush or whatever the this thing's called.
[52:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Too cute that I'm dangerous.
[52:53]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that right. I would get a tramp stamp of that, by the way. Right over here. Giant hairy monster cave.
[53:01]
Tom Segura
By the way, are you a big Madonna fan?
[53:03]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[53:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[53:04]
Bert Kreischer
Dated her.
[53:05]
Tom Segura
You dated?
[53:06]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[53:07]
Tom Segura
When?
[53:07]
Bert Kreischer
Right after she left Sean Penn. She was, like, down. She was out. Sean was physically abusing her. And the nights I cradled her in my arms, like, sobbing. I had to dab lemon water and even onion water, some warm onion water on her face, like, just crying like a leprechaun that stepped in some Shrek.
[53:27]
Tom Segura
Is onion water good for, like.
[53:29]
Bert Kreischer
It's good for sad people because onions cause you to cry, and so it sort of reverses the tear glands.
[53:36]
Tom Segura
So you dated her like, 87, 88, something like that.
[53:39]
Bert Kreischer
89. 99. In 2000-2001-2002-2003. You've had a lot of 2004. I mean, we were together while she was beat up. She was abused. And the nights that I rocked her in my arm and sometimes she'd make me soak raisin bread. Sudden made raisin bread, a whole loaf, and warm milk, and just sort of dab it around her face and just. She said it felt like being back in the womb. She felt like she was covered in placenta. And I would sing Papa Don't Preach. You're in trouble.
[54:16]
Tom Segura
She wanted to hear her Own songs.
[54:18]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And I would sing to her. Yeah.
[54:20]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[54:20]
Bert Kreischer
And it was very tender. Like, people see her as abrasive, as cutting edge.
[54:25]
Tom Segura
And with me, a lot of sexual energy.
[54:26]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But somehow I was able to break her down and get to that soft side of Madonna. I used to call her Mike. Like, I just. I did. We didn't even use Madonna. I just called her Mike. And I. I'd hold her and sometimes I'd be holding her, she'd be naked and covered in onion water. And I'd sprinkle cinnamon on her.
[54:45]
Tom Segura
Cinnamon.
[54:45]
Bert Kreischer
And it just. It almost, like, tenderized or that hard.
[54:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[54:49]
Bert Kreischer
Exterior, that Madonna exterior. Like. Like a virgin. But I got her to a place where it looked like she'd been rolled, like, 400 times behind a Dairy Queen. By truck drivers.
[54:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[54:59]
Bert Kreischer
Like, nowhere near, like, the virgin thing. And I was able to break that down for her and give that to her. I almost lost a lot of years off of my life because I were so dead.
[55:09]
Tom Segura
You were so dedicated.
[55:10]
Bert Kreischer
I just. She was so wounded. And I'm a giver and a healer, and I helped her heal and just to feel. If you could feel her crying in your arms in the middle of the night.
[55:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[55:19]
Bert Kreischer
Like the smell of burnt cinnamon and just her heart beating against your chest. And you just squeeze her a little and she'd do, like. She loved those apple turnovers from McDonald's. And you'd just give her a little squeeze and she'd do little apple turnover farts. Just like. Like, little almost like angel whispers into the night. And you'd squeeze her and she shoot little crispy turnover.
[55:45]
Tom Segura
So adorable, man.
[55:46]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[55:47]
Tom Segura
What a memory.
[55:48]
Bert Kreischer
I helped her through that.
[55:49]
Tom Segura
You like fart vids?
[55:50]
Bert Kreischer
Sorry?
[55:51]
Tom Segura
You like watching fart videos?
[55:52]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, come on, guy.
[55:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[55:54]
Bert Kreischer
What do you mean there's fart videos?
[55:57]
Tom Segura
What are you talking about? You don't watch.
[56:00]
Bert Kreischer
I guess if I can see a video of your arse, there's probably a fart video.
[56:03]
Tom Segura
Come on, let's watch some fart videos.
[56:05]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, you watch them. I'm gonna put my hand.
[56:08]
Tom Segura
Come on, bro.
[56:09]
Bert Kreischer
I can hear them.
[56:10]
Tom Segura
Look, we get sound here.
[56:14]
Bert Kreischer
That's not real. Those aren't real.
[56:17]
Tom Segura
What do you mean?
[56:20]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, you let that much air out, you're gonna crinkle up and blow away like a Snickers wrapper on a windy day. Those aren't real.
[56:27]
Tom Segura
You don't think so?
[56:28]
Bert Kreischer
No, they're too wet. Sounds like a penguin just walked out of a car wash and its pants.
[56:35]
Tom Segura
Are you into that, though?
[56:37]
Bert Kreischer
Into what?
[56:37]
Tom Segura
That Chicks that fart?
[56:39]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[56:39]
Tom Segura
Oh, I don't know, man. I'm just trying to.
[56:41]
Bert Kreischer
Are you?
[56:41]
Tom Segura
No, I just. I don't know.
[56:43]
Bert Kreischer
I think you might be. I think you are. Why aren't you saying no?
[56:50]
Tom Segura
No. What? Did you find that stuff where he did earlier? Did you get the playback?
[56:55]
Bert Kreischer
What? Oh, where? You said something about somebody.
[56:59]
Tom Segura
I was looking because they said we.
[57:00]
Bert Kreischer
Had something about somebody and he told.
[57:02]
Tom Segura
Me we have playback capabilities. Okay, let's see here.
[57:07]
Bert Kreischer
Brutal.
[57:08]
Tom Segura
Wow. I wonder what dosage it was.
[57:10]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know, but I mean, it was a girl, so it could have been that much, right?
[57:14]
Tom Segura
Girls.
[57:16]
Bert Kreischer
That was you.
[57:16]
Tom Segura
Hold on.
[57:17]
Bert Kreischer
Girls can't do what guys do, right? No, I didn't say that. You did.
[57:23]
Tom Segura
I said it.
[57:24]
Bert Kreischer
I think you just said that. I just doctored the tape.
[57:26]
Tom Segura
No, I didn't. Doctor's playback. You said it, dude.
[57:29]
Bert Kreischer
I'm an invited special guest on your show.
[57:32]
Tom Segura
You're the one that said it. I wanted to make it clear. You said it.
[57:34]
Bert Kreischer
I'll tell you what.
[57:35]
Tom Segura
What?
[57:36]
Bert Kreischer
I went for a three incher about ten minutes ago.
[57:39]
Tom Segura
Oh, boy.
[57:40]
Bert Kreischer
I'm going to ask you to not only. I'm going to ask you to swing your mic back.
[57:43]
Tom Segura
Swing it back.
[57:44]
Bert Kreischer
Roll back about 4 inches and. And take a real deep, deep off. Oh, dude.
[57:50]
Tom Segura
Come on, man.
[57:51]
Bert Kreischer
Well, if you're going to play games with daddy. You think I don't know the tech world? You think I don't have a Westinghouse fridge and a whirlpool laundry dryer and a Panasonic microwave at my house? You think I don't know the tech world guy? I have an electric can opener. I'll fuck you seven ways to Thursday. Are you back? Four.
[58:12]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[58:12]
Bert Kreischer
Is your mic back? Fuck off.
[58:16]
Tom Segura
I just did.
[58:18]
Bert Kreischer
Well, I just confirming.
[58:20]
Tom Segura
You just had me fuck off twice. You want to see a different fart video?
[58:24]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. I mean. No.
[58:27]
Tom Segura
What do you want to see? You want to see.
[58:29]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. A fart video? These are fun.
[58:32]
Tom Segura
We do you want to see something like a. Like a guy getting with, like a chick with high heels stomping on a guy's dick?
[58:39]
Bert Kreischer
No. Oh, I said another fart video.
[58:42]
Tom Segura
Oh, okay. Okay. I'm sure there's.
[58:44]
Bert Kreischer
What do you got the smallest bone in your body? In your ear? That's not a girl.
[58:56]
Tom Segura
No, he just.
[58:59]
Bert Kreischer
That's a girl fart.
[59:00]
Tom Segura
He ripped ass.
[59:01]
Bert Kreischer
That's a guy doing a girl fart. Yeah, maybe he's in. Maybe he's transitioning.
[59:06]
Tom Segura
Have you thought about that?
[59:07]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I did it about four months Ago in Bermuda. I went to Bermuda, and I got tired of tanning as a guy, you know, because we just wear shorts. We look clunky.
[59:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[59:19]
Bert Kreischer
You know, we don't have. What do we get? One tan line. But when you're a girl, yeah, you got the bikini, you got the tan lines above your hips. You get the strap. Tan lines. And I'm like, enough, Yeah. I want tan lines. So I transitioned. I was in Bermuda. Was three weeks at the Bakiti resort, and I laid around, I got tanned. I looked like a pack of bacon at Kenny Rogers funeral.
[59:45]
Tom Segura
You want to get spray tan right after this?
[59:47]
Bert Kreischer
I'd love to. I go to a place called tantastic down on 9th. Where do you go?
[59:52]
Tom Segura
There's a place on Nexus here that does tanning stuff. We can get spray tan there together if you want.
[59:58]
Bert Kreischer
Isn't that in the national anthem?
[60:00]
Tom Segura
It's in the state anthem, yeah.
[60:01]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I thought. I recognize that line.
[60:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[60:03]
Bert Kreischer
Go to Nexus. We go, yeah, get tan together.
[60:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah. You want to go?
[60:09]
Bert Kreischer
I'd love to go.
[60:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Because people, they see with a spray tan, they don't know.
[60:13]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[60:13]
Tom Segura
And they just go, man, you look. You've been on vacation, and you go, yeah, I have.
[60:17]
Bert Kreischer
I like to do fun designs, too. I kind of. I mix my tanning with crafts. Like, what I'll do is I'll. I'll lay on the table, and then I'll get a hot dog wiener, an Oktoberfest wiener, and I'll lay it on my stomach with it in an onion ring. I'll stick it in an onion ring, and then when the tan's done, I take them off. I have this big white spot, and it looks like fucky time. On my stomach.
[60:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[60:46]
Bert Kreischer
Why fucky time? It's like the Oktoberfest wieners right through the onion ring, and it looks like it's like fucky time.
[60:54]
Tom Segura
Like fucky time.
[60:57]
Bert Kreischer
Are you being condescending right now?
[60:59]
Tom Segura
Not at all, man.
[60:59]
Bert Kreischer
You invited me. I didn't invite you.
[61:02]
Tom Segura
I know.
[61:03]
Bert Kreischer
Silver Teeth Timmy or whatever they call you.
[61:09]
Tom Segura
How do you know they call me Silverteeth?
[61:10]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I've heard it around town down at the tattoo parlors, at the rub and tug at the pinball joint.
[61:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[61:17]
Bert Kreischer
Silver teeth Timmy.
[61:19]
Tom Segura
I love that.
[61:21]
Bert Kreischer
But, yeah, I'll go tanning with you.
[61:23]
Tom Segura
All right, guys, make the appointment. We're gonna head out. We're gonna head over there, Right? Get tan.
[61:30]
Bert Kreischer
Great.
[61:31]
Tom Segura
Where are you gonna be? On the road. Where's. Coming up. Let's Pull it up.
[61:35]
Bert Kreischer
I'm not sure. You'd have to look at my website if you want to go there even.
[61:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah, we're gonna go there.
[61:40]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, wow. There it is.
[61:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, you look so happy there.
[61:43]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Unlike here.
[61:48]
Tom Segura
Tour dates.
[61:49]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, here we go. Thanks, man. Look at you. Put me out.
[61:52]
Tom Segura
Ontario.
[61:55]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, some of them are out of date, but I would say go past.
[61:58]
Tom Segura
All right, there we go.
[61:59]
Bert Kreischer
The Royal Theater in Toronto.
[62:02]
Tom Segura
It's Toronto.
[62:03]
Bert Kreischer
How do you say it?
[62:04]
Tom Segura
Toronto.
[62:04]
Bert Kreischer
I'm from there, guy.
[62:05]
Tom Segura
Now listen, it's Toronto.
[62:07]
Bert Kreischer
Toronto.
[62:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Toronto.
[62:09]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[62:09]
Tom Segura
Toronto.
[62:10]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[62:10]
Tom Segura
Okay. Making sure you say it right. Toronto. Tdot. And then the nasty natty and then Judor titties are going to be at City Winery.
[62:21]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know if some of those are up in the air, I think, but we can say it. But there's one I want to plug. Is the in June 22nd?
[62:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[62:30]
Bert Kreischer
I'm in DC. There's a theater in D.C. there it is. The Washington. What's it called?
[62:35]
Tom Segura
The Howard Theater.
[62:36]
Bert Kreischer
Howard Theater. I haven't been to Washington D.C. forever, so I really want to get. That's the one I want to focus on.
[62:43]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[62:44]
Bert Kreischer
That's the one. I'd love people to get tickets to come out to the June Howard 22.
[62:49]
Tom Segura
Is that on the Howard campus? We look that up.
[62:53]
Bert Kreischer
I'm not going to sit here and play word games with you. I'm trying to promote my dates.
[62:57]
Tom Segura
I'm just. I'm asking, man, and just I.
[63:00]
Bert Kreischer
Can I announce something?
[63:01]
Tom Segura
Mm.
[63:03]
Bert Kreischer
Folks, just in case you're wondering, I just announcing this. I just. I'm just throwing this in. Tom Segura and I are going to do a split headlining at the Howard Theater. It's me and him, Tom Segura and Harlan. And we'll flip a coin to see who goes first. Okay, but it's Tom and I. Tom's gonna do two hours. I'm gonna do about 20. 20 minutes.
[63:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[63:28]
Bert Kreischer
And so you don't want to miss the Howard Theater.
[63:30]
Tom Segura
Howard Theater.
[63:31]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, you're going along with this?
[63:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah, the 22nd.
[63:34]
Bert Kreischer
I just came up with it right now. You're in. You're not in. Are you bullshitting me right now? Cuz I'll. I'll give you a third one, dude. You're bullshit.
[63:44]
Tom Segura
I'm not bullshitting you.
[63:45]
Bert Kreischer
Back it up about five inches, guy.
[63:48]
Tom Segura
I don't have any more room.
[63:49]
Bert Kreischer
Let me hear it. Hit the wall. Fuck off.
[63:56]
Tom Segura
Oh, it's not. It's not on the Howard University campus? No, that's what I wanted to make sure of.
[64:00]
Bert Kreischer
So you're not coming now? Well, but I'll still do it. Maybe I'll come one of these days. We've worked together before. Yeah, well, do we work? You don't remember where do you?
[64:10]
Tom Segura
Where was it? Melrose?
[64:11]
Bert Kreischer
Ass.
[64:12]
Tom Segura
Ass.
[64:13]
Bert Kreischer
You don't remember?
[64:14]
Tom Segura
Oh, Montreal.
[64:15]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[64:16]
Tom Segura
Where?
[64:17]
Bert Kreischer
Florida at? Remember the Hard Rock Casino? That, that club down there in Fart. Lauderdale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We worked together there.
[64:28]
Tom Segura
We did?
[64:29]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You don't remember?
[64:30]
Tom Segura
No.
[64:30]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, we did a whole weekend together.
[64:32]
Tom Segura
What?
[64:33]
Bert Kreischer
That's where we met. No. Well, it's where we first worked together.
[64:37]
Tom Segura
We worked together a whole weekend. Yeah, I did. No.
[64:42]
Bert Kreischer
Fine, be that way. And this is the guy I'm gonna go up on the hill in the. Under the full moon and show my arse to. Pretty combative for an arse guy.
[64:53]
Tom Segura
Did we really do that?
[64:56]
Bert Kreischer
You don't remember?
[64:57]
Tom Segura
How long ago was this?
[64:58]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, dude, this was 20 years ago. We worked together at the Hard Rock Cafe, the Improv.
[65:04]
Tom Segura
That was at the Fart. Lauderdale.
[65:06]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it was at the Semilloi.
[65:09]
Tom Segura
The Seminole Hard Rock.
[65:11]
Bert Kreischer
The Salmonella Casino or whatever it was.
[65:16]
Tom Segura
Semen hole.
[65:17]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You don't remember, huh?
[65:19]
Tom Segura
No.
[65:19]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, it was fun. Yeah. You know, I liked it because it was the first time when, when you're comics like us and we're always sort of. We don't get to work together a lot. So it's the first time I really got to work with you and see you do your show.
[65:35]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[65:36]
Bert Kreischer
And I remember how funny you were.
[65:37]
Tom Segura
Oh, thanks, man.
[65:38]
Bert Kreischer
And I remember it was just like, oh, I like this guy. Like, we hadn't, we'd probably bumped into each other, but we. When you do a weekend, you have to do like four nights together and like six shows. So I got. Did you just crack one? Dude, either your chair fucks the Tin man at night or you just crack like. No, no, I heard like it was almost like an 18 wheeler grind into a halt just before hitting a baby on the 15 to Bakersfield.
[66:06]
Tom Segura
No, I was, I was listening to this. Do you recall this thing? I, I, I was, I didn't do that.
[66:11]
Bert Kreischer
If something wafts over here in about four seconds and I pass out or puke.
[66:16]
Tom Segura
Oh, come on.
[66:17]
Bert Kreischer
What you have for breakfast? Wait, don't tell me. Oh, you son of a. French toast. God. Dude. Wow.
[66:30]
Tom Segura
Now I feel bad.
[66:32]
Bert Kreischer
She smell bad. You don't feel bad. You smell bad. That's tangible. That's real.
[66:40]
Tom Segura
God, that felt good.
[66:41]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, right?
[66:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[66:44]
Bert Kreischer
You love farts.
[66:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I thought everybody Does.
[66:48]
Bert Kreischer
But that girl farting on the thing, did that inspire you to do one?
[66:52]
Tom Segura
It kind of was. Oh, wow.
[66:54]
Bert Kreischer
Come on, bro. What in the name of Saran Wrap?
[67:03]
Tom Segura
Can we turn it up?
[67:10]
Bert Kreischer
Why is he laughing? Is it laughing? What is wrong with humans?
[67:21]
Tom Segura
I don't know. I mean, I understand if somebody puts the mask over their nose, you know?
[67:25]
Bert Kreischer
You do?
[67:26]
Tom Segura
Well, because they're trying to go like, oh, what? But this is just eating them.
[67:30]
Bert Kreischer
That's not eating them. That's, like swallowing them.
[67:33]
Tom Segura
Well, yeah, like the.
[67:34]
Bert Kreischer
That's like looking at Broad Stewart getting his stomach pumped in the 70s. Right there. That's backwards.
[67:41]
Tom Segura
And I. I think she's cute.
[67:43]
Bert Kreischer
Well, you can't even see her.
[67:45]
Tom Segura
She's cute.
[67:46]
Bert Kreischer
She looks like a leftover. She's all wrapped up in Saran Wrap.
[67:49]
Tom Segura
This is such another level.
[67:52]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, you've done this, haven't you? Dude, look at your little owl eyes. You're like a little owl up on a pine tree in the middle of the night and you just saw a little mouse run by. I remember when you're lit up like Donny Osmond at a Jackson 5 funeral.
[68:09]
Tom Segura
When I first moved to LA, I realized I had so many, you know, things I hadn't done. It's like you trying drugs.
[68:16]
Bert Kreischer
Right.
[68:16]
Tom Segura
And so, like, things like this would be like, I gotta try this, you know?
[68:20]
Bert Kreischer
And you did?
[68:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:22]
Bert Kreischer
With your wife or with a girlfriend?
[68:24]
Tom Segura
Just some. Some random little rando. Yeah.
[68:28]
Bert Kreischer
Wow. And how was it?
[68:29]
Tom Segura
It was cool. It was cool. I enjoyed it. This, though, was different.
[68:34]
Bert Kreischer
Have you ever had the Heimlich maneuver? That's not real. That's not real. That girl needs to call the Orkin Man. Is that a mouse? Is that a bald mouse? Dude, I will not look at that. I can't watch. No. Whoa. Dude, how can you even show that? This is a product commercial.
[69:04]
Tom Segura
This is. This is a. Yeah.
[69:06]
Bert Kreischer
This is the Devil Wears Penis. What the hell is this? I can't. I won't watch the end.
[69:12]
Tom Segura
No. Well, he loves it.
[69:14]
Bert Kreischer
He loves it.
[69:15]
Tom Segura
He loves it.
[69:16]
Bert Kreischer
You know, that's a guy under there for sure.
[69:17]
Tom Segura
I'm pretty sure it's a guy.
[69:19]
Bert Kreischer
I can't see his face.
[69:20]
Tom Segura
I think it's.
[69:21]
Bert Kreischer
I think these days. You don't know. You don't know what's under the floorboards. Just ask Edgar Allan Poe, Cask of a Montalato Deep.
[69:29]
Tom Segura
Do you.
[69:31]
Bert Kreischer
You don't know what's behind the wall guy.
[69:33]
Tom Segura
No, that's true.
[69:34]
Bert Kreischer
Is it gone?
[69:35]
Tom Segura
I think so.
[69:35]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, dude. No. This is. It's Like, I'm watching Hostel. It's like that movie by what's his face, Jordan Black or whatever. Who's that director? The guy that did the Hostel.
[69:49]
Tom Segura
I don't know how he did that.
[69:50]
Bert Kreischer
Elon. What's his name?
[69:52]
Tom Segura
Oh, oh, oh, I know.
[69:53]
Bert Kreischer
You're talking about Elon Musk. No, the guy who did all the host.
[69:57]
Tom Segura
Roth.
[69:58]
Bert Kreischer
Eli Roth. Yeah. It's like a Eli.
[70:01]
Tom Segura
It's gone. It's gone.
[70:02]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, God.
[70:03]
Tom Segura
Dude, that was cool.
[70:04]
Bert Kreischer
You didn't even flinch.
[70:06]
Tom Segura
Well, these are things that are.
[70:08]
Bert Kreischer
What's going on with you?
[70:09]
Tom Segura
I mean, they didn't turn you on at all.
[70:12]
Bert Kreischer
On? I'm not even on the beginning area of a dimmer switch, let alone on.
[70:20]
Tom Segura
Well, I don't know, man.
[70:21]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, I think we got to analyze your deep psychological sexual issues, because you like that. You like the farting tube.
[70:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[70:31]
Bert Kreischer
You like the Devil Wears Penis? Prada.
[70:34]
Tom Segura
I mean, I think women are wonderful. They're beautiful, you know?
[70:38]
Bert Kreischer
But sticking their stiletto.
[70:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[70:43]
Bert Kreischer
Into Cyclops Mountain, that ain't healthy sexual behavior as far as I'm concerned. And I ain't Dr. Ruth, even though people mistake me for sometimes.
[70:55]
Tom Segura
I think Dr. Ruth would disagree. I think she would say that was pretty hot.
[70:59]
Bert Kreischer
You found that to be hot?
[71:02]
Tom Segura
I mean, I think everybody would find it somewhat arousing. Dude, no.
[71:08]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, you need to get the Cracker Barrel.
[71:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[71:10]
Bert Kreischer
Get one of the giant antique rusty saws.
[71:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[71:14]
Bert Kreischer
And slap it in your own face for about half an hour while you're eating cinnamon cobbler.
[71:20]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. Let's go to Cracker Barrel after the spray tan.
[71:23]
Bert Kreischer
I can't go to Cracker Barrel after seeing your hairy ass crack. It sounds the same, but one of them tastes good and the other doesn't.
[71:31]
Tom Segura
You don't know. You don't know how it tastes.
[71:32]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, you got me. You got me.
[71:34]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[71:35]
Bert Kreischer
Cinnamon can fix anything. By the way, if I can fix Madonna with cinnamon, I can fix your giant mustard gas bomb hole.
[71:44]
Tom Segura
I would. I'm down for some lemon water and onion water.
[71:46]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
[71:47]
Tom Segura
And if you want to get some of that cinnamon raisin bread and, like, soak it, you know what I'd like.
[71:53]
Bert Kreischer
To do is maybe get some beer batter. I don't often like to cannibalize people.
[71:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[71:59]
Bert Kreischer
But I sort of got this feeling I want to roll you in beer batter like fish and chips.
[72:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[72:05]
Bert Kreischer
And maybe eat you. I don't know if any of your other guests ever tossed that one around.
[72:11]
Tom Segura
But boy, oh, boy, I would be into it.
[72:13]
Bert Kreischer
I'd like to eat you.
[72:15]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[72:16]
Bert Kreischer
And then maybe put that tube in that guy's mouth.
[72:18]
Tom Segura
And guys, get a tape measure. I want to do Harlan's measurements before he gets out of here. But we're going to make you a sweater.
[72:26]
Bert Kreischer
You are?
[72:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And make sure you check out Harlan highway podcast and also harlanwilliams.com for tickets. And don't forget, on June 22nd he'll be at the Howard Theater in Washington, D.C. and I will do my best to make it to that show.
[72:43]
Bert Kreischer
You think I didn't catch that right? As soon as I said I want to eat you alive, you ended the show.
[72:47]
Tom Segura
Oh, no, I was. I was just making sure that we.
[72:50]
Bert Kreischer
I caught it.
[72:51]
Tom Segura
I didn't mean it like that.
[72:52]
Bert Kreischer
It's interesting. No, I say I want to eat you, and then. Oh, you see Harlan here, and then, you know. Hey, thanks.
[72:59]
Tom Segura
No, I want you to. I want you to eat me.
[73:00]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my. I'm sorry.
[73:03]
Tom Segura
You know what I would love for you to do?
[73:04]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, what?
[73:05]
Tom Segura
Make me a banana split.
[73:07]
Bert Kreischer
Really? Yeah, I could do that.
[73:09]
Tom Segura
You take my ass cheeks and you spread them and you put a banana and ice cream. And then you take some corn chips and you break them up like that. And you put some syrup in there, guy. And then you just.
[73:22]
Bert Kreischer
I don't party on Fun Street. You'd have a better chance of the Edmund Fitzgerald floating back to the top of Lake Superior. The chef coming out at 8:50am saying, Fellas, it's been good to know ya. And then I fuck off to the next dimension so I never have to look at your sugar daddy bumpy womp crumple cake, fudgy stick eyebrows ever again. And I mean that look. Who's that un shine? Y' all know what's a banana split, huh?
[73:55]
Tom Segura
Well, we gonna use your booty.
[73:59]
Bert Kreischer
I'mma hit the.
[74:00]
Tom Segura
I gotta break it in half, you understand?
[74:04]
Bert Kreischer
And put some corn chips. Smash that up there. Yeah, girl, I'm telling you. And put some pecan, some ice cream.
[74:15]
Tom Segura
Girl, I'm gonna go to licking that girl inside your booty.
[74:20]
Bert Kreischer
Ay yai yai.
[74:21]
Tom Segura
I'm gonna get it all.
[74:22]
Bert Kreischer
Aha. Guess what you gonna put me to see. You know what's the most disgusting thing about that?
[74:28]
Tom Segura
What?
[74:29]
Bert Kreischer
He stole your idea.
[74:30]
Tom Segura
Isn't that crazy? I'm gonna reach out to him.
[74:35]
Bert Kreischer
Lawsuit. Banana split. Lawsuit.
[74:38]
Tom Segura
And it's crazy that he's talking about that with some girl and then you could do it to me.
[74:44]
Bert Kreischer
Well, I'm. I. You're not gonna like us I just looked at my schedule. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, I'm busy for the rest of my life.
[74:51]
Tom Segura
Well, let's. Let's see if we can figure out something today.
[74:55]
Bert Kreischer
Busy, rest of life.
[74:58]
Tom Segura
We are going to get spray tan. And there will be a window of time we can get all these ingredients real busy.
[75:06]
Bert Kreischer
Right through eternity and beyond.
[75:08]
Tom Segura
That's.
[75:08]
Bert Kreischer
Come on.
[75:08]
Tom Segura
That's ridiculous. Dude, you can't be that.
[75:10]
Bert Kreischer
Look at my cosmos planner.
[75:13]
Tom Segura
Let's. Now.
[75:14]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Sorry.
[75:15]
Tom Segura
Guys, go get some pecans and some corn chips and some ice cream for Harlan. He's gonna give me a banana split. And don't shake your head like that. Stop doing that, dude.
[75:26]
Bert Kreischer
I'm just getting it ready for when I. It's like. Action.
[75:32]
Tom Segura
Thanks for coming.
[75:34]
Bert Kreischer
Don't say that.
[75:34]
Tom Segura
And thanks for being here.
[75:36]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that's better.
[75:37]
Tom Segura
And thanks for coming.
[75:38]
Bert Kreischer
No, just thanks for being here.
[75:40]
Tom Segura
And I can't wait to show you my sweet, sweet Hershey Kiss.
[75:44]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[75:45]
Tom Segura
And then you can eat all those corn chips and pecans right out of there. And on that note, don't forget, Harlan says Hitler's a big idea guy and I'm so cute that I'm dangerous.
[75:57]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[75:59]
Tom Segura
See you next time.
[76:01]
Bert Kreischer
Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, too. There's one cave.