Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat"

Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Release Date: June 2, 2025

---

1. Introduction

In this episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave," comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, alongside special guest Big Cat from Barstool Sports, gather in the "bear cave" at YMH Studios. The trio delves into a variety of humorous and candid topics, ranging from wild bar takeovers to personal anecdotes about family and career challenges.

2. The Chicago Bar Takeover Experience

The conversation kicks off with Bert reminiscing about his not-so-great day performing a bar takeover in Chicago:
“We did a bar takeover, and we got Fun Tom. This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom is Fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover.” (02:33)

Big Cat shares an amusing incident involving a vibrating remote controlled by a bartender:
“She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina that turns it on. And I went, let me get my friend real quick.” (02:55)

This leads to a hilarious exchange where Bert and Big Cat strategize on how to captivate women in bars, showcasing their playful banter and comedic chemistry.

3. Barstool Chicago vs. Joe Rogan’s Setup

Bert praises the Barstool Chicago facilities, comparing them favorably to Joe Rogan’s podcast setup:
“Barstool Chicago … is competitive with Rogan setup, in my opinion. I don't. I'd argue the facility. This is better than Rogan setup.” (06:33)

Big Cat adds his admiration for the comprehensive amenities, including a basketball court, golf simulator, and gym, highlighting the difference between Joe Rogan’s solo setup and the collaborative Barstool environment.

4. Drug Use Anecdotes and DMT Discussions

The trio delves into their experiences with substances, particularly focusing on DMT:
“I hit the DMT … I hit the DMT … I've been given a few.” (09:57)
“Doing DMT is like anal sex. You're supposed to do it once a year.” (10:17)

They discuss the intense experiences and philosophical insights gained from using DMT, with Bert humorously debating the frequency of its use.

5. Personal Family Stories and Comedy Challenges

Bert opens up about his relationship with his father and the challenges of building his comedy career:
“The reason I will be alive is because of comedy … I'm so far removed from stand up that … it's taking a minute to get the rust off.” (20:07)

Tom shares his experiences performing in Hawaii, including bombing during shows and the process of rebuilding his material.

6. Comedy Specials and Social Backlash

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the backlash Bert faced for using certain language in his specials:
“You made a joke about the word. The word … and how you didn't just call something retarded. You made a joke about the word and it got so out of control.” (50:00)

They critically examine the cultural shifts regarding language, the responsibility of comedians, and the impact of societal changes on their craft.

7. Language, Social Issues, and Cultural Shifts

The hosts engage in a deep discussion about the evolution of language and its implications:
“If enough people agree that a word has a second meaning, then that's how it has that meaning.” (58:14)
“It's completely unnecessary. It's not funny.” (58:48)

Bert expresses frustration over the casual use of derogatory terms and the resultant harm, while Tom defends his comedic choices and the complexities of free speech within their profession.

8. Movies, Pop Culture, and the Mandela Effect

Shifting gears, Bert introduces the concept of the Mandela Effect, using examples like his misconception about the Tuskegee Airmen:
“My whole life, I thought they gave a bunch of pilots syphilis … I was wrong.” (59:39)
They also discuss the movie "Mobland" and traditional vs. modern media consumption habits, highlighting their perspectives on entertainment.

9. Studio Tour and Workspaces

The conversation transitions to their work environments, with Big Cat humorously describing Tom’s studio:
“But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic. Like, it looks like people just walk out, no one's smiling.” (84:25)

Tom explains the importance of a collaborative workspace for creative processes and the challenges of maintaining productivity in different settings.

10. Kids, Family Trips, and Parenting Insights

Bert and Tom share their views on parenting, discussing family trips and the balance between personal interests and family life:
“Next year I'm going to take my son to the Final Fours in Indianapolis … What trips do you want to take with your kids?” (70:10)

They offer humorous takes on parenting challenges, such as keeping kids entertained while managing their own hobbies and interests.

11. Gambling Stories and Reflections

Gambling emerges as a recurring theme, with both hosts recounting their experiences and the emotional rollercoaster it entails:
“I won 16 straight bets … when I finally lost, I was like, what do I do now?” (75:24)
They debate the addictive nature of gambling and compare it to other personal habits, emphasizing the importance of moderation and self-awareness.

12. Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Tom, Bert, and Big Cat exchange final thoughts, express gratitude, and tease future interactions:
“We have to do a podcast at the end and we talk about it.” (86:06)
They conclude with playful banter and appreciation for their shared experiences, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and anticipation for future episodes.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bert Kreischer:
  “We did a bar takeover, and we got Fun Tom. This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom…” (02:33)

• Big Cat:
  “She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina that turns it on…” (02:55)

• Tom Segura:
  “Doing DMT is like anal sex. You're supposed to do it once a year.” (10:17)

• Bert Kreischer:
  “You made a joke about the word… and how you didn't just call something retarded.” (50:00)

• Tom Segura:
  “If you think that religion is important to you and your relationship with God is important to you, I'm not gonna judge.” (67:18)

• Bert Kreischer:
  “It's completely unnecessary. It's not funny.” (58:48)

• Big Cat:
  “But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic…” (84:25)

• Tom Segura:
  “I am non-practicing. My dad was or is. My mom is not.” (66:50)

---

Conclusion

This episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" offers listeners a blend of humor, personal stories, and thoughtful discussions on current social issues. Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, and Big Cat provide an entertaining and insightful look into the lives of successful comedians navigating the complexities of fame, personal relationships, and societal expectations.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have.

[Tom Segura]

Part of this idea of this podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is how you can become successful as.

[Tom Segura]

Living as just a regular human.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to culinary school, and I.

[Tom Segura]

Only went for a few months, and I dropped out. Look at that, kids. You can drop out of culinary school.

[Big Cat]

And get two Michelin stars.

[Tom Segura]

I do what I can do so I could come back, do it all over again.

[Big Cat]

Not a damn chance.

[Tom Segura]

Not a damn chance. You see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Steps to get there.

[Big Cat]

I just don't know how to quit.

[Tom Segura]

That might be my superpower. You can all try and stop me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope you do. Consistency was exactly what life was all about. Don't be genius here and wild there. There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messages.

[Big Cat]

I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules. You're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong.

[Big Cat]

Don't care what it takes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm doing this.

[Tom Segura]

We have a phrase for that. It's called not a damn chance.

[Big Cat]

And. And white people. You're like a white, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Fixture. Like, people look at you like Hitler. You know, they're like, we love this guy 100%. Guten tag, Bert. Welcome. Big shout out to Barstool, to Big Cat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do they own High Noon? I think.

[Big Cat]

I think is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does Barstool own High Noon?

[Big Cat]

Doesn't Dave own it or no?

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta tell you. Dave. Dave does. I. I wonder if people. We're gambling people. Would you have put your money on Dave Portnoy to succeed when you met him in high school?

[Big Cat]

I think I'd have to know that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no.

[Big Cat]

Probably not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna say no. And I'm gonna say the thing the same about Big Cat. I'm gonna say the same about me and you.

[Big Cat]

I was gonna say. I mean, I think if I met you in high school, I wouldn't be like, yeah, this is gonna work out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even know if it's gonna work out now.

[Big Cat]

Well, hold on. We gotta say thank. Thank you, Barstool, for giving us. Accommodating us and letting us do an episode here. We're both. We've been. We're idiots, dude. We should have done this yesterday morning, not the day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Why didn't we.

[Big Cat]

Because. I don't know. It was dumb.

[Bert Kreischer]

God.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, we did a. I'm so hungover.

[Bert Kreischer]

We did a bar takeover, and we got Fun Tom. This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom is fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover. Every time. Every time Tom ends up on stage. I mean, I just want to tell you how beautiful the women of Chicago are. We walked into the Old Crow Smokehouse last night.

[Big Cat]

Wrigleyville.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, in Wrigleyville. And a woman behind the bar, in front of the bar handed me a remote control and said, press the button. And I went, okay. And I pressed it, and she went. I said, what? She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina that turns it on. And I went, let me get my friend real quick. Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And then you just handed it to me. You go press it. And I did the same. I was like, what? You go press it. Then I say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ladies, ladies. Yeah. That's the move. I'm telling you right now. You want to own a man's inner dialogue for the rest of the night. That is the move. If you are a party fun girl, you do that, and you go to a bar, you're in college, you find a guy, give him the remote and say, I'll see you in, like, 10 minutes. And that guy will do nothing but think about you. I woke up thinking about her. I woke up.

[Big Cat]

I'm pretty sure her boyfriend was with her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she had a boyfriend?

[Big Cat]

Yeah. And he was just like, cool, right? Like, he was one of those guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Cat]

He might be into watching or something. It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I. I'm going. Stop thinking about her.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She owns real estate. In my head.

[Big Cat]

No, it's. Because when we left there, you were like, dude, can you believe? Like, you. It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was.

[Big Cat]

And I kept thinking, it's a real. Here's the thing. It's a real power fucking move, right? To be like, hey, she's basically saying, your hand is inside my panties right now. You know what I mean? Like, she's like, you're touching me right now is basically what she's doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. All I could think about this morning is, how do I convince Leanne?

[Big Cat]

I was going to say, you got to get one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because I. Because I think we've been with each other too long. I just do it right. As the guy goes, yeah, well, can I get you to drink? I'd hit it. You're like, I'm on. Take a. Hold on. Cold beer. Cold beer. Dude, I wish they had those for guys. Like, if they do, they do.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not. And I don't want. No, not.

[Big Cat]

Not in your ass. I mean, for your dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. And you can give her the remote.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd be like, just turn it on. No, no, don't touch it.

[Big Cat]

She be like, wow, that was so sexy. I'm so glad I got you. That sitting here watching you just n. Aggressively. So arousing. Oh, that was one of the worst things I've ever seen. Cuz I. You did. You acted that so well. I feel like I just pressed the button and. And you did it. Oh, my God. Are those linen pants?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm switching to linen.

[Big Cat]

It's good for summer.

[Bert Kreischer]

My sweats and so I have an ass sweat stain in my. So like, if I sit down for too long. Yeah, you just see like a wet mark.

[Big Cat]

Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's real sexy.

[Big Cat]

It is. I've so aggressively today.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I haven't yet.

[Big Cat]

Oh, my God. I have nothing but just violent puree coming out of me. It is so gnarly. And I've had like four already. It's absolutely the most. And by the way, for as this place is massive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And. And really impressive here at Chicago Barstool, I think there's three bathrooms and there's 80 guys. It's the craziest thing. I walked into three bathrooms and there are 80 guys. I'm shitting. I'm like, I have to. And they're like, go to the other one. Like, okay, this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, let's. Let's talk for a second about Barstool Chicago. This is. This is competitive with Rogan setup, in my opinion. I don't. I'd argue the facility. This is better than Rogan setup.

[Big Cat]

Well, it's a totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, very different. Rogan's one guy, so it's his thumbprint.

[Big Cat]

It's just him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's just him. But like, this is like. I mean, I. High school bird is like going, well, can I quit my job and just work for you guys for free?

[Big Cat]

Oh, my God. I know. If you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would be. I'm blown away. They have a basketball court. They have a golf simulator. They have a gym. They have. They have fucking. By the way, it's like something about the chicks that work here. They're all pretty and cute and they got little sister energy and they're like, what's up? Hey, you want a High noon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I love this place. I feel like I. My life up. I got. My studio is like, it looks like we, we sell knitting supplies out of it. There's so many fucking women.

[Big Cat]

There's so many.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do I have so many fucking women working for?

[Big Cat]

Why can't you get some more dudes in there?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. I fucking can't hold on to dudes.

[Big Cat]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I lose dudes quick. Fucking. I think it's a den of snakes. Those women. Yeah, they're just all fucking little fucking. Just like women. They're mean girls. They're like. And so when they decide they're going to do something, they do something. I gotta have a coup d' etat do it. I'm gonna start sexually harassing them.

[Big Cat]

I would, I would pivot from that. But whatever you plan on, you should stream it live. I would love to watch. By the way, I ate. And it's got. Someone's gotta have the video.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gotta have video it. You, you took like a, a epic spill on the stage last night, so.

[Big Cat]

And by the way, it's, it's what woke me. I set my alarm. I didn't need my alarm today really, because my, my knee woke me up. So we're on stage, we're pretty lit. I mean, I'd had an edible. I don't know how many shots, I don't know how many drinks, and we're saying good night basically, and thank you for everyone coming out or on a stage and there's a DJ set up there. But the floor is black, his table's black. It's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was black.

[Big Cat]

He may have been black. That might have affected it too. But the thing is, dude, he had like a two foot subwoofer on the ground that like, you just don't see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

So I walked over this way and just completely felt hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought you, I thought you blew out your knee.

[Big Cat]

Well, I was joking about it. And then this morning I was like, oh, what if I really didn't? Because, like, hurts to put it up. Like, for real. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, it kind of sucks. I got some cool bruises too.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got bruises on you?

[Big Cat]

Yeah, ate it hard, man. It was hard. Oh, and I was, I joked with you, I was like, I tore my acl. And you're like, wait. I go, I'm just kidding. But I go, with me, you probably believe it. And you're like, yeah. And then this morning I was like, I think I did tear my ac. I'm be so mad if I did. And then I got back to my room and I smoked dmt. I. I hit the DMT what is.

[Bert Kreischer]

It, what is it with you and DMT these days?

[Big Cat]

It's the best vape pen I've ever had in my life, but you disappear. Dude, I was fully hallucinating last night, like out of my mind.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how did you get a dmt?

[Big Cat]

Vape pen, Just cool guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how does I want to know the breakdown of this?

[Big Cat]

I've been given a few.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've been smoking DMT more than I think you're supposed to smoke dmt. Doing DMT is like anal sex. You're supposed to do it once a year.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Until you find out it's the only way. You come and then you go, I'm going to do it all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I kind of want to do dmt.

[Big Cat]

You know what, here's the thing. You go on a. First of all, like, you can't lift your head up, you know, like you're kind of paralyzed. And then. And I like it because I feel like just give up just life and right now. And then you go on these crazy, like crazy visual shit happening, right? You're seeing shapes and colors and all this shit. And then like a door opens and you go into some life path realization and you're like completely lost in it. You're in an alternate reality and you know, you're. Maybe you're resolving something or maybe one of your fears is coming up or maybe you're just like processing something and then all of a sudden you're like, it's over. And you're like, oh, how long? How much time went by? 15 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it?

[Big Cat]

Yeah, sometimes. But then you hit it again. You're like, let's do it again. Yeah, it's pretty great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. We, me and you do drugs and alcohol for different reasons.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's, it's so fun to watch you get up because you, you, you, you make a decision.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I never make the decision. The decision just shows up.

[Big Cat]

Right? It's like, it's like, it's like lunch for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, I'm like, with civil rights in Europe, like, yeah, they're black people. Just let them do whatever they want.

[Big Cat]

In Europe?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, in Europe. Right. Isn't that how that works? And then you're more like the United States where you're like, all right, now they can use our water fountains.

[Big Cat]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Like you're. But like, you made a decision to get up last night. You're like, you said something, you said, you said something. Like, all right, that's it. It's over or something.

[Big Cat]

I went, oh, well, yeah, because I, whenever I go to any of these things, I feel like the, you know, you have like this balance. Like, are we just at this thing and you have a drink?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Big Cat]

And then you go, I don't, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T know that balance, but I've heard of it.

[Big Cat]

So for me I'll be like, is it just a drink? And then we're leaving here. You know, it's like one is fine. But then like the atmosphere there was so fun. Everybody was so nice and like, it felt like we were actually at a celebration, like at somebody's birthday party or something. The music and, you know, our, our crews together just like hanging out. That after I had like a couple, I was like, oh, this is like right now I'm standing on line. Like you either are going forward or, or you stop now. So I was like, all right, we're in, let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what's so funny? Tim Dylan once.

[Big Cat]

And then I drank, by the way, about a gallon and a half of water. Have Better Sex with BlueChew BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, Blue Shoe is offering a combo so strong it might knock your socks off and your neighbor socks off and you might have to actually purchase new socks. Bluechew Max has arrived that combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and it lasts great. Sex is just a few clicks away. Sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. And this combo is going to lead to some record setting hardness. You you might have better sex. You might be able to finish the project in your backyard that required a new hammer and steel. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options. @bluechew.com we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Bluetooth free when you use the promo code bears. Just pay five dollar shipping. That's promo code bears B E A R S. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is an interesting time for business. Tariffs and trade policies are dynamic, supply chains squeezed and cash flow tighter than ever. If your business can't adapt in real time, you're in a world of hurt. You totally need visibility. From global shipments to tariff impacts to real time cash flow. That's Netsuite by Oracle, your AI powered business management suite. Trusted by over 41,000 businesses. NetSuite is the number one cloud ERP for many reasons. It brings accounting, financial management in, inventory, HR all into one suite. You have one source of truth and giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions. With real time forecasting, you're peering into the future. With actionable data and AI embedded throughout, you can automate a lot of those everyday tasks, letting your team stay strategic. Netsuite helps you know what's stuck and what's costing you and how to pivot fast. It's one system, full control. Tame the chaos with netsuite. I'm telling you man, we are entering an interesting time. And with what is going on in this country and around the world, with all the things we just mentioned, now is when you want to be dialed in so you can succeed if your revenues are at least in the seven figures. Download the free ebook Navigating Global Trade. Three insights for [e-mail] bears that's netsuite.com bears. Oh, you did drink a ton of water.

[Big Cat]

So much water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the fucking bartender last night comes up to me and she goes, water bomb. I said, what? She goes, water bomb. It's our trick. Kill it. And she just kept handing me like a, not a full glass, just like a little glass of water. And we kept killing water. And I was like, nice.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's how we stayed hydrated. Wait, what was I going to say before that? God damn it. No, but the, but you. We drank a ton of vodka like we were doing. We were, had our heads back on the bar and they were pouring shots in our mouth.

[Big Cat]

I'm so jealous right now of you that you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I found my girl. I found my girl last night.

[Big Cat]

Who.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I got to, I got to share this. And I, I, I, I said this last night. So every night, girls, when we do this, girls put their heads back and we pour shots in their mouth.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am astounded at how great dentistry is in America.

[Big Cat]

Dentistry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, it's, I'm just amazed at how many sets of perfect teeth I look at perfect teeth. Now I have a thing, I have up mouth. I got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat when I was a kid. I have like 26 fake teeth, like posts, and then some are bonded summer crowns. My molars are like, like, I have a real up mouth. I often think the day I die, I'll go, well, thank God I didn't have to get dental work, you know?

[Big Cat]

And so it's a really cool outlook.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of the craziest things I have is I have these bumps in. At the bottom of my mouth. They're like, I can show them to you, but they're kind of crazy. And I know I have them, but I. And I kind of. I don't hide them, but I've never seen anyone have them. I always.

[Big Cat]

Under your tongue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Under my tongue. I'll show you them. It's kind of creepy. And my mouth is. Fucking sucks, but.

[Big Cat]

Oh, what the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, so what are those? Okay, so I've never known. I've never known. They showed up in college is when I first noticed them. I had like a bump. I was like, I play with it. I was like, what the is that? And I was dipping at the time. I was like, it's cancer. And then another one showed up. I was like, God damn, it's really cancer. And now I have four and. But I've never. And I've. And I. And. And my sister.

[Big Cat]

Wait, she has them.

[Bert Kreischer]

My. My sister. My sister has them. My sister Cotti has them. Yeah. And I've gone to Dennis and I've asked them about them and he goes, yeah, some people have them.

[Big Cat]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure it's a condition or whatever, but Dennis have never said anything and.

[Big Cat]

They don't affect anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't affect anything. But I have these bumps. Well, I have always looked when we pour shots in girls mouths for someone that has my bumps. Like, I've always looked for it. Last night, girl. I think it's a girl with the vibrator. She puts her mouth back and I see my bumps and I go, I got same mouth you do. And she immediately knew what I was talking about. And we started talking. Her boyfriend jumped in. He's like, easy, that's my girlfriend. I go, no, no, no, no, no. You know what I'm talking about. And I showed her and she went, I've never seen that. And I was like, that's me and you. We're like, like, what if that's the way. That's the way. We're the Highlanders or the outliers, whatever. It's so crazy. I've never seen anyone that had them. And I'm like, God damn it.

[Big Cat]

And did she share anything about them or just.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's too loud. I wanted to talk to her about them and go, like, they're just benign. They're just bumps. Do you know, dude, have you seen these?

[Big Cat]

Really crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Big Cat]

I had no Idea. That's what you meant. That's really crazy. I'm so jealous that you get to nap.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm gonna. I'm tying one on. Are you? Yeah, I'm done. I had a really great. I had a really great run of not drinking.

[Big Cat]

How long?

[Bert Kreischer]

Eight days. Get on the plane for Hawaii. I have two drinks for takeoff. Fly sober, land no booze at the hotel, no cocktails, sleep, wake up, feel amazing, workout amazing. Comedy is. The reason I will be alive is because of comedy. Do two shows in Hawaii. Two nights in Hawaii.

[Big Cat]

Oh, I didn't know you were doing shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. My stand up sucks, and it's so bad, I can't even tell you. Everyone in Hawaii, thank you for coming out. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry.

[Big Cat]

Stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I'm just. I'm just. I have nothing. I have no tentpole story I'm working on.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I have. Usually when I build an hour, there's. I. I usually have something really great when I'm building it, something really great that I can go, this will. At least they got that. And then I got two things I'm working on. And I go, at least they'll see that. They'll know that that was what I was working on. I don't know. I'm like, I. I got. I got one story that's. I got a couple stories that are.

[Big Cat]

Okay, but, like, when did your special come out? March.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I took. I. I made a mistake. I took 11 months off, and I should have never done that.

[Big Cat]

No, I think you did the right thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. Why. I think I'm so far removed from stand up that, like, it's. It really is the first time in my life where I'm. It's taking a minute to get the rust off.

[Big Cat]

That's fine, though. That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the people in Hawaii were awesome. I opened with a. I opened with a James Cook, the women of Hawaii joke.

[Big Cat]

How'd that land?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not well.

[Big Cat]

What's the angle?

[Bert Kreischer]

As soon as.

[Big Cat]

Like, I wish I was James Cook.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I said. I said, you know one of my favorite stories about James Cook? And everyone's like, we're not huge fans of that guy. And I was like, this isn't gonna go over well. I was like, you know, I mean, it is a funny story.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They pull up to Hawaii, right?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And James Cooks.

[Big Cat]

You don't have to whisper anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. James Cook's like, well, this is asmr.

[Big Cat]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

James Cook's, like, to the guys on his Boat. He's like, all right, listen, we all have syphilis, and we all have rickets, okay? So no one. I'm not letting you guys on this island. And they're like, but we need fruit. And he's like, okay, fruit and water. That's it. I'm gonna send to you people. I have one rule. Don't the women. And they go, what about the fruit? Okay, two rules. Bring back fruit, don't the women. Two rules. That's it. Two. You go. You understand me? Two rules. And they go, yeah, boss, we got it. He said, great. Sends him in a boat. They come back in the boat, and he's like, how'd it go? And they're like, well, you're not gonna be happy. Like, what? We. A couple women. So now they have syphilis, so we might as well just go them. That's what I opened with in Hawaii. And they were like, yeah, we know.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, you're like.

[Big Cat]

And you're like, that's one of my favorite stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just think it's so funny that, like, that. I. I just thought. When I heard that story, I thought it made me giggle. They didn't like it. And then I, I, I. By the end of the week, you know, it's like, you get the rust off yourself. I opened my first show Thursday with that, and then by the end of the week, I was like. I was like, fuck James Cook. And they're like, yeah. And I was like, do you know that? You want to know? Crazy thing about James Cook? He couldn't swim.

[Big Cat]

Seriously, he couldn't swim. He's out navigating the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Navigating the world. And apparently, that was like a. That was a tactic to keep your sailors. Like, you didn't want sailors who could swim. Oh, you wanted sailors who couldn't swim? Because then they really gave a. About. No one abandoned the boat, right? And so, yeah, they. He tried to take someone hostage, and then they chased him on the water, bludgeoning death. And he couldn't get to the boat. He couldn't swim to the boat.

[Big Cat]

That's how he died.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but that was. And then. And then I, I. The. And then I started getting. I don't know if it's pandering, but there's an island called Nihau. Do you know that island? It's privately owned by a white dude, and he has not let anyone on that island. There's like, 80 indigenous people, like, real Hawaiians. They sound different, they talk different, and they live on that Islands. The furthest island west in Hawaii. And it's just. They bought it for 10 grand back in the day when you could.

[Big Cat]

Well, I know they're not big fans of Zuck. He owns a lot of land there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Zuckerberg, Steve Case, they all own, like.

[Big Cat]

Steve Case owns Larry Ellison. Larry Ellison owns that guy Lanai.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He owns 98% of Lai.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, looks like a villain. I mean, honestly, looks like. You know, when Schultz does his thing with his mustache, it looks like that guy, like the.

[Big Cat]

Well, that's what. The. What's it called? Iron man kind of facial hair it's all based on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think Schultz knows that he's doing the villain thing when he rolls his mustache like that?

[Big Cat]

I don't know. It's probably.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. It's like a. It's like. I always wanted to ask him, because it is a. It is a. It is the. It is the villain thinking move.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he does it so much, I.

[Big Cat]

Think it's probably unconscious.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, if I was just like. Anyway, you know what I'm saying? Hold your thoughts.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe I'll start doing.

[Big Cat]

You should start doing that. That would be perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, I have a question.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, yeah, dude, your opener there. That reminds me of the hardest I ever bombed in Hawaii.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because I was there for one of those.

[Big Cat]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thomas Agura. This is what they gave him. James Cook rules. Okay, we have two rules, guys. Number one, do not mention Pearl Harbor. Number two, do not make fun of the Hawaiians. Tom comes on stage. He goes, I got bad news. He goes, opening joke. They said, island life is slow. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. Wow, you guys are fat. I was like, I got lost walking around Pearl harbor today. Lucky. I ran into a couple Japanese folks. They really know the. This. This. This bas like the back of their hand.

[Big Cat]

Then I said, I know that mahalo has a bunch of different meanings. Is one of them extra cheese? You guys are so. Yeah, that was fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, man.

[Big Cat]

And then they also were like. And don't curse. And we were all like, okay. And then we all just cursed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyway, it's so crazy. We're teaching these guys to kill.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, ultimately, you go to the military. We're like, yo, I think the. I think the rule was. And correct me if I'm wrong, I'm. I am quoting. They were taught, if it's brown and it moves, kill it.

[Big Cat]

That was one of the things we heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but don't curse in front of. Yeah, don't curse if it's brown and it moves. Russell Peters came on late. Yeah, he was. He was the closing act.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're like, Tom leans over to me and he goes, russell Peters is closing this out. And they are taught, if it's brown and it moves, kill it. And Russell Peters is walking way too much on stage.

[Big Cat]

That was so fun. Well, the funny thing is, you make a good point because it's all such a charade, right? Like, they're like, don't. Don't say anything not nice. Don't. And you're like, for what? They're like, the Admiral's Wife is here. You're like, so what? There's 8,000 people out here. Like, we gotta do a show for her. And then everybody. And then. Well, then our organizer was like, you guys just ruined my life. The guy that booked us was like, thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we talking about Charlie?

[Big Cat]

Well, yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My God. That was. I. You know what? This is an ad by Better Help. Men. Today face immense pressures to perform, to provide, to keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the US suffer from depression every year, and it's often going undiagnosed. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone. Anyone. A friend, a loved one, a therapist. I trust my therapist so much with all my problems, and trust me when I say I feel the weight of the world sometimes just like everyone else. And it's the small stuff that drives you nuts. I talked to my therapist this morning and I said I feel like I'm spinning out of control. My therapist just real quick goes, have you worked out? It's awesome. With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an App store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with therapist at the click of a button and helping you fit therapy into your busy lifestyle at any time you need it. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] bears. That's better. HP.com bears the beauty of having I. I'm bummed I didn't make more friends long ago. You know, like, I, like, I left all my Tampa friends when I moved to New York and I. And when I moved to New York, I have a bunch of New York friends like, you know, that I started comedy with. But we never really kept in touch the way.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you're probably my closest friend that I've been in touch with, you know, that hasn't drugged me or. Yeah. Like. But like, even like Joe, I've known Joe's long enough where I can't. Like, but I. I've known you longer than I've known Joe and I. The funny thing, the great thing about life is when you're experiencing something and you giggle about something that happened a long time ago and it makes you smile and you go, God, memories. Like, it's a cool thing about having kids. When we were at this. We were in. Just in Hawaii, obviously. And. And we were stayed at the Four Seasons, which we used to be the Holani.

[Big Cat]

I don't remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

It used to be a Marriott property. Marriott property. The Tom and I. That's where Leanne and Christina met.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's where Tom and I did these shows when. If you ever did the Pearl harbor, you stayed there was. It's really nice. It's amazing. It's got. It's got little lagoons.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That are man made. And they made them in 1977. Before the government would be like, yo, you can't do that.

[Big Cat]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like all the coolest parts of America. The government got in the way of like all of Coral Gables. Like. But where it's just like these beautiful canals and everything that was just dudes going like, get dynamite. Let's just make rivers. This guy, the guy that owned all that property, he still. I think he still owns a piece of that property. He owned all the west side. And they were like, you're never gonna. Or the leeward side of Hawaii. They were like, you're never gonna. No one's ever gonna build here because it doesn't rain here. It's dry, it's, you know, there's no waves. It's the leeward side. And he was like, eh, I'll see. He's like, I bet they'd like it if they were lagoons.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, what are you gonna do with that? And he goes, get some dynamite. And he would just dynamited four lagoons. And then on the fourth one they were like, yo, you gotta stop. Like, this is insane.

[Big Cat]

He's blowing up terrain.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's just making these amazing. They're gorgeous. They're so.

[Big Cat]

Did I ever tell you about when my. My dad was a kid? He told me the story. Like, just. Just like a. Something that could only happen in a different time. There was.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have to do a show about your dad.

[Big Cat]

I know, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have to do a show about your dad. Just that. I didn't mean. I. I meant to interrupt. Yeah, yeah, but. No, but just that I. That. My favorite. My out of Bad thoughts. My favorite episode, my favorite thing is that the talent show.

[Big Cat]

But thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Sarah's got a new special and she talks about her dad a lot.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's. There's. Man, there's something. Especially when you've lost that parent. The reminiscing about that parent. I watched Sarah's special. It's so good.

[Big Cat]

Oh, I want to see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. But. But I love hearing stories about your dad. I love it because it's like. I don't know. It's like, keep going.

[Big Cat]

Well, he was a. He was a kid. And this is in. I think it was in Louisville. And I guess this would have been like, probably the late 50s, right? Like there's an army post and he's a kid. Him and a couple guys like walk onto the base and they steal dynamite and. And then they blow up a bridge. So they. They set off dynamite and blow up a bridge. And then a police officer picks them up and is like, you can't be doing that. And then called my dad's dad. So my grandfather told him, and my dad was told by his dad, like, you should not do things like that. Like, that was like that type of scolding. And then he was like, I'm sorry, father. And then I was like, is that all your dad told you? He was like, yeah. I go, you blew up a bridge with dynamite?

[Bert Kreischer]

I missed those days.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, dude. His dad. Well, his dad was in law enforcement too. So he got like, you know, for real. Well, my dad. My grandfather was an FBI agent. So he was just like, oh, we met.

[Bert Kreischer]

We met FBI agent.

[Big Cat]

We met f. Fb.

[Bert Kreischer]

We met the guy that arrested Jesse Smollett.

[Big Cat]

That's right. Yeah. I don't know if we should.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't care.

[Big Cat]

I don't care. All right, that's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

He gave us his guard. Hey, wait, wait, wait. What? Wait, when.

[Big Cat]

Oh, I asked him, I go. Cuz he hand me the badge, you know, I was like, okay, How. How cool of a flex is pulling this out? He's like, that's pretty. I Go, no. What's your favorite memory of somebody being like, hey? And then you go like this? And they're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I think he said it was at a show, like, it was something with entertainment, you know? Like, he was like, I'm going here. And some. Some people were like, you can't go there. And he just pulled it out. And they're like, I'm sorry. And they just move out of the way. I was like, yeah. Like, you got to have. Like, there's some type of fun of pulling that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's. So Leanne's. Leanne's not. She's not a city slicker.

[Big Cat]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne's what they call a rube. Right? Like, if you take her to the big city, she's gonna lose majority of her savings in a shell game.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like. And that. That's. That's the country in her. But it shows up on the Internet. So, like, Leanne is the person on the Internet that goes, hold on. Have you seen this? And he shows you, and it's clearly. It's a. It's like a stage video.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And one of the most staged videos I've seen is a cop pulls over a black woman, and he's just. Licensed registration. He's being a dick, right? And the black woman's clearly is like, just going like, okay, okay. And. But it says, cop pulls over federal judge. Have you seen this?

[Big Cat]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she goes, get out of the car. And then she's wearing her judge's gown. Let's just say as a dude who grew up with a lawyer father who went to court on days he was sick, I would go to court with my dad. They don't walk home in the court in the judge outfit. Yeah, they leave it in the court. They. It is something they put on. They don't. That's like pulling over a doctor, and he pulls out his stethoscopes. He's like, excuse me, so sorry, what were you saying? And Leon goes, you see this? I pulled over a federal judge. And I was like, baby, it's not real. She goes, what do you mean it's not real? I go, it's not real. She goes, I'm looking at it. And I go, no, it's staged. And then why would they stage that?

[Big Cat]

There's so many stage videos to outrage you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, what? He just did it because she's black? And I went, no, baby, that's.

[Big Cat]

It's not a real thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

They know what you're thinking in bed that you want to see someone misbehave and they get called on his.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. And in the dialogue too. Cuz she's like, you're going to. You're going to find out. He's like, why are you. Why are you wearing that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why are you wearing a judge's outfit? But you're black.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're bang on. You're black. You shouldn't be a. Hold on. You're a female here. You here. You're black and female.

[Big Cat]

It's so. And she's like, you're going to be hearing from me. And you're like, okay. Yeah. I mean, I have to say, if it's like we've all been taken by a really good stage job. Like, I'm sure, you know, I've.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've not one. Not one. On the airplanes.

[Big Cat]

Not one. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm so. I'm a production guy, Tom. It's my third High Noon.

[Big Cat]

How you like it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really good. They're very t. I don't even feel buzz yet.

[Big Cat]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like gambling. It's like what barstool is about.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's brilliant. This is brilliant. I hate that they figured this out before me. Like, I'm. I'm stunned that like. Because like I'm. I mean this with respect. I hope this comes out with respect. But like, I'm a meathead. And I'm more of a meathead than them.

[Big Cat]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm the ultimate meathead. White privilege. I got it all. I got it all. They outdid me at my own game before. I didn't even know we were playing the goddamn game.

[Big Cat]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so stunned that like.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, but you, you know, you still were able to.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've done good for myself. But. But like to see what they've done. This, this facility. I keep going back to that. Let's go back, let's talk. You know, can I keep going? Because I hate that the Internet kind of like it encapsulates what we all feel.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost like they're like. It's tarot cards. Like they're going like. Like they feed you. They're like, hey, do you feel like. Like black people are a little mouthy? And you're like, huh? And like, watch Angel, Reese. You're. What do you think about that?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you're like, what the man? She can't even make. Like. I was talking with Face and Numbnuts last night. Pete and Pete and Kyle. Yeah. At dinner. And they're like, did you see. This is what made me upset.

[Big Cat]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you see all her airballs? She has Angel Reese. Do you see all her airballs, all her misses? I go, guys, everyone's gonna. You could do that for any athlete. You could just show every time they miss. Yeah, someone just put that together, and they go, no, she misses all the time. I go, no, she doesn't. Obviously, she's in the wnba. She must be pretty good. Like, she has to sync one or two to be in the wnba. I mean, I don't know if that's a rule. I don't know anything about wnba. Like, but. But like, they just made a compos. Compiled video compilation video for Mrs. Yeah, you can.

[Big Cat]

You can make a Ms. Video for anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I go, But I go, I hate that the Internet does that, because they go, are you kind of racist? Yeah, a little racist. You know, like, black women, right? Black guys, you're cool with the women, right? Check this out. And then they feed it to you, and then it. It serves an inner dialogue.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. It's like, honestly, this. I. And here's the thing is, I really like Caitlin Clark. I really like her. But I know the way this works. It's gonna. It's gonna reshift. Like, the Angel Reese versus Caitlin Clark thing is like Apollo Creed versus fucking Rocky.

[Big Cat]

It keeps going, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I want to tell Angel Reese, shut the fuck up. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Don't. Don't say a word. Go Marshawn lynch on them. Just don't say a word.

[Big Cat]

And just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because. Because everything she says, they take and use against her. And I'm. I bought an Angel Reese jersey. She plays for the Chicago. Scott bought a jersey yesterday.

[Big Cat]

You did?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not gonna wear it, but it's an xl. Doesn't fit. Oh, there's a lot.

[Big Cat]

That was a lot, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they did it with Meghan Markle. Oh, Meghan Markle's kind of out of her mind.

[Big Cat]

She's kind of crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Dude, the second I talked about Meghan Markle, all my feed was was Meghan Markle.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. You watching that show amazed me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. I can't stop. I watched it on the plane when she correct. Dude, she corrects like, Mindy. Mindy Kaling. Is that her name?

[Big Cat]

Mindy Kaling?

[Bert Kreischer]

What's her name? Yeah, Mindy Kaling. Kig King. Yeah. Is like the. She's like the most woke person in the World, Right? She's never done anything wrong. She a woman. Woman of color. She like it. She's overweight. She's skinny. She. She checks all the boxes of, like, can't offend you at all. Right?

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she offended Megan Marle by calling her Megan Marle.

[Big Cat]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude is so good. It's. Did you see this? I mean, she says something simple like, I can't believe. I bet no one would think Megan Markle likes peanut butter and jellies. And the Mega Marco goes. You still call me Marco. It's. I'm. I'm Sussex. And you can see maybe Kelly. Like, what the. Why are we doing this online? Like, yo. I. I didn't say the N word. Like, what the Are you doing? Like, what the she. Well, it's so good.

[Big Cat]

Chastises her for. She's not joking.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. And it's. And by the way, I'm a ride or die for. H m. Right? H m. That's what I call them. That's what they call each other.

[Big Cat]

Oh, Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so good, Tom. It's so good. Like, it's. I honestly, I think that people are. I think I might be the smartest man in the world. And I think that I can transcend what. I think I can transcend things and enjoy misery. I think I can enjoy the fucking horribleness of some of projects. Like, this show is so rewatchable because of.

[Big Cat]

It's. It's a disaster.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Big Cat]

Is it a hate watch?

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. You can't. It's. See that. I would argue it's not even a hate watch. It's. You just got to get into it. You got to know the characters. It's like the Office. It really is like the Office. I'm being serious. It's so she cannot get out of her way.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I've.

[Big Cat]

I've watched, like, Ricky Gervais character. Like. Like that. Right? Like, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you gotta be. You gotta go. You gotta get out of the Internet and go. I'm not gonna just hate her because she was on Scrubs or whatever. Suits. Yeah, she was on Suits. I Married a prince. And I don't believe a lot of her. I don't get out of that. Get into the fact that it is the Office. But it's for real life. It is real life. If Ricky Gervais created this character, you would laugh hysterically.

[Big Cat]

Right? You'd be like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I really. And I'm. I'm joking myself. The Smartest man in the world. But I'm not. Not really. But, like. But I really think I've transcended it, and I've enjoyed. I enjoy. I watched it again on the plane.

[Big Cat]

Again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Giggle. I giggle.

[Big Cat]

All right, you're gonna make me try it. What's it called?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. With Love.

[Big Cat]

With love.

[Bert Kreischer]

With Love.

[Big Cat]

She's trying to be Martha Stewart, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I. I mean, it makes me want to rewatch old Martha Stewart's clips because, you know, Martha Stewart was a little bit out there. Like, they used to do parodies of her on snl. Oh, they were so good.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, yeah. She's a badass, though, actually. Yes, she really is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, can I tell you what sucks for women is that they fade.

[Big Cat]

Just.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like watching. It's like watching Superman get locked out of his house.

[Big Cat]

Women, specifically, fade. What about guys?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, we get better. I told this to Leanne. We're taking a walk. I noticed, like, I noticed, like, well, I'm famous, but I noticed people looking at me. Like, when we were walking, I noticed, like, these young girls saw me, and then they giggled, and then they were like, oh, my God. And then they came, ran over, and they're like, are you. And I was like, yeah. I'm like, can we get. Oh, my God. And their energy was in. And I noticed, like, man, it sounds a little shitty, but, like, notice, like, not a lot of young boys are doing that to Leanne. I said. I said to Leanne. I said. I said, it's kind of crazy, like. It's kind of crazy that, like. And we had just seen the Conclave. I said, isabella Rossellini. I was stuck on this Isabella Rossellini. We would have cut a finger off to. And now you look at her and you go, but 10 years ago. 10 years ago, we'd punch our wife in the teeth to have a chance with her in bed. 10 years ago. She's still beautiful. She's still beautiful. But it is inevitable with women at Faith, and with men, we kind of. Our stock increases, especially if you make money and you're, you know, little gray looks sexy. And, you know, I got jocked by these. I got jocked by these young girls in Hawaii, right? When Leanne left, Leanne left. And I was only leaving two hours after her. I went down to the beach. I had a fucking cocktail. I was telling Pete this last night, and these girls came out and wanted talking to me, and they're like, are you. Are you here by yourself? And I was like. I was like, oh, my wife. My wife just left. And they didn't know I was leaving an hour. They were like, oh, what are you doing for dinner tonight? I was like, I don't know. I should have been like, I'm having it on the plane. But, you know, I was like, I don't know, like, you should come with us. And I was like, oh, no, I'm leaving in an hour. And they're like, oh, okay. And then I was like, that's. It's just so odd now I'm buzzed. It's so odd that, like, for women, it just. It's inevitable, right?

[Big Cat]

All of them, right. Well, they're the. They're the ones pursued, right? So, like, guys pursue women. So you have, like, this biological thing happening in. In you too, right? Where you, like, your DNA is seeking out the youngest, most viable, you know, reproduction person, too. And so, like, you actually have a signal in your head that sees somebody that's older and goes, this is not a reproductive person. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, that's. That's like on a. On a real base, like, you know, the purest level of attraction is really, like, our bodies telling us reproduce or don't reproduce, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

I almost envy ugly chicks because they never had it.

[Big Cat]

Right? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, what's. What's better, to have it and lose it or to never have it and never know what it was?

[Big Cat]

Do you ever. Did you ever, like, do like a. You know, like a charity when you were younger?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I've only. I only. Who would. Me. No, I'm sure that you would not love my list, but.

[Big Cat]

No, but did you ever, like, I've.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only had sex with six chicks. Right.

[Big Cat]

But was one of them. Did you ever go like, no. Hey, you're not that attract. You didn't say it, but I fell.

[Bert Kreischer]

In love with all of them. I was like, I love. I said I love you to all of them. Even the one night stand. I said I love you. And she was like, what? Fucking only fuck people I love. I'm broken. I'm the reason. That's the reason the Internet hates me at times is because I've said everything. I'm just broken. I fucking. I'm sorry. I only fuck people I love. Oh.

[Big Cat]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never even made out with an ugly chick. I don't think.

[Big Cat]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so. But it took me so I. It took me so much to kiss a girl.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I was like, I don't want to deal with the rejection. No.

[Big Cat]

I mean, same.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God, I'm like, envious side of Buddy in. In high school, college. Just call him Chris. And he just kissed everyone. He tried to kiss everyone, like every night. Just leaned in to kiss everyone. I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, hey, man, you swing a couple times, you're gonna hit a home run once. I was like, yeah. He goes, try to kiss them all. He would. I mean, literally just. He just. And I was like, I wish I could.

[Big Cat]

He must have had some. Some responses.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was. I gotta say this. I don't. I want to say his last name so we know who we're talking about. It's Chris who lived with Steven Eddie. Just so we're all clear.

[Big Cat]

You guys get it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Good looking dude. Really good looking dude. Never really had like a girlfriend. I think if you focus on looking for the home run, you forget what it's like to hit a nice base hit.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was always like, give me a base hit for the summer. Someone I can fall in love with. Someone I can, like, order pizza with. Watch movies with. Someone I can tell secrets to. Yeah. I don't belong to barstool. I'm a. I'm a broken boy.

[Big Cat]

That's every. We're all broken.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I'm so broke. You think I could have these conversations with the guys here?

[Big Cat]

What would they say, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you betting on the Bears game? What are we talking here? Are you. Are you gay?

[Big Cat]

Laughs it's cool. There's a lot of gays now, even at Barcelona.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy how gay almost disappeared, you know? And then it came back, like, strong. Like, I hear so many people calling gay.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I'm like, I remember when it. I stopped saying it for a while.

[Big Cat]

It's the one. So the only critique that was valid that I heard, like, you. You have to like, listen to when you go, that's gay. And you mean that's lame. Was that people were saying, what if a young kid that's gay, like actually homosexual hears you saying that something that is shitty is gay? And they kind of associate that with themselves. And I go, oh, that's a valid critique. And then I was like, yeah, deal with it. You know, that's gay. It's like, can you believe that? It's fun. It's a fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got in trouble for saying.

[Big Cat]

Trouble saying that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great. Like this. That's so wild that the. Go ahead.

[Big Cat]

Not only that. Hold on. So do you remember they wanted you.

[Bert Kreischer]

To do the retard challenge?

[Big Cat]

Dude, please. It's unbelievable. I. I went to The Special Olympics, dude. Not to the, not to the event, to the headquarters.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what did you compete in?

[Big Cat]

I probably actually wouldn't win. Right? Yeah, I, the first of all, let me just say this. The, the most comforting thing, like, the thing that I enjoy the most is when I'm around somebody who is gay and they use that's gay the same way that we do, then I go, oh, because, like, they're like, no, no. Yeah, of course I should. I think that's the best. The retarded people you got in.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I, this is, I think this is glossed over. You got in a lot of trouble. I'm gonna say it. You don't have to say it. And so if everyone knows, according to my dad, I don't know what the truth means, but I'll tell you my truth. I always tell you my truth. You made a joke about the word. The word and the usage of the word and how you didn't just call something retarded. You made a joke about the word and it got so out of control, they wanted you to take your special down. And you don't have to answer any of this. I'm just going to tell you my side of the story. They were legit thinking about it. And you commented with, hey, Netflix, if you took my special down, that would be retarded. And then Netflix is like, that's not the post we were looking for.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, that wasn't helpful.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you had to go meet with people. And now, now it's almost like. Almost like watching, Watching what's happening today makes me outraged that we could have just done that then.

[Big Cat]

Well, I'll tell you this, man, it was like, it was a very. People don't. I don't think a lot of people realize how shitty of an experience it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I told you that I said when I, I went through something, I don't forget what about my thing was. But I said, I feel bad that I'd never reached out. And like, I said, hey, man, I hope you're going through.

[Big Cat]

You know, it was, it was bad. It was really bad. I actually thought that my career was kind of gonna end. Like, when you're in, when you're in it, you really feel like you're in, like, a little bubble. And, you know, all I got every day was just crazy people, like, threatening to kill me. You know, send me messages. I'll beat your head in with a hammer. Like, crazy. And then, like, I keep getting these calls. They're like, hey, you know, they want you to go meet with the Special Olympics. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, who's asking? And then finally, they're like, it's. It's. Reed Hastings. The CEO of Netflix wants you to go do it. I'm like, what? He wants me to go do it? And they're like, yeah. I go, I guess I'm going to go do it. So I went down there when they go.

[Bert Kreischer]

When they go, hey, I'm not going to say it. I know what you're saying. There's a couple guys at Netflix you don't say no to.

[Big Cat]

Well, yeah, the guy that started it.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a couple guys at Netflix. I remember Netflix is an interesting family to be a part of, because there's a couple guys that could have their way with me. Keep going.

[Big Cat]

Well, here's the funny thing. So they're.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're.

[Big Cat]

They're all attacking me. And one of the things I. I figured out pretty quickly is that I'm an attainable target because there's all these other movies and shows and comics who have said retarded, right? And I'm like, hey, what about Tropic Thunders on there at the time? And they're like, oh, yeah, they're upset about that. But, like, you know, they can't really get a hold of Ben Stiller, so they can find you, though. You know, they got you. I'm like, oh, cool. And then I go down there, and Special Olympics people were like, hey, you know, we watched the Special. And, you know, you're actually. You're a funny guy. I mean, it made us laugh. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, but, you know, that word is so problematic. And they're, you know, and I'm listening like we're having an adult conversation. And after we speak, they're like, you know, you're really. You're a nice guy and you're thoughtful. And I go, thanks. And, you know, they're like, I really, you know, I didn't want to laugh, but I did laugh at your special. I go, thanks, man. And then the guy's like, I just want you to know that, you know, I appreciate you coming down. I go, thanks. He goes, but I'm still do everything in my power to try to have your special taken down. And I go, what? He goes, yeah. And I go, okay. And then I left there you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what number on the call sheet. I was on the call list, but I got a call in the car and you were confused and you were like, I do not know what just happened. But the thing, I was in my pool because I remember I was staring at rocks, the, the hardscape of my pool. And you go, oh, man, what the. I was like, what? You're like, they, like, they actually got the joke. They said the joke. The joke makes sense. Not a hateful joke, but they're still gonna take. They want to take my special.

[Big Cat]

And they tried.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I remember you saying, they want me to do the R word challenge. And I started laughing so hard. I go, they want you to do the retard challenge. And you go, yeah. I go, tom, Tom, you need to tell them the Internet's not gonna fucking like what they think.

[Big Cat]

It was so insane. Then they told me. So obviously the special, they didn't take it down. And I have to, I have to defend Netflix because Netflix stood out best for not just me. But they're like, you know, our comedians can kind of do what they want it. Like, it's, it's, you know, you don't have to like it, but we're not going to take it down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take a look at Bad thoughts. Yeah, take a look at bad Thoughts. Take a look at Bad Thoughts. If you have not seen it, go watch it right now. That is. That is Netflix. That is. And it's Tom's. But that is the boss we have is like, sure, whatever you guys want to do.

[Big Cat]

But here's what's funny, because this all started when you're saying like gay people are saying shit's gay. Again, retarded. So for a minute though, after this whole went down, first of all, one of the high ranking guys got fired because he was referencing my special. And then in the reference to my special, he said the N word in a meeting. And then people were like, why are you saying the N word? He's like, no, I'm saying. I'm talking about words. And then he did it twice and they fired him. Right? That was a huge story. That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not like, I remember that. I remember. Yeah, no, no, I remember that.

[Big Cat]

I remember that in the trades and in New York Times and everything. And then there was kind of a policy for a minute that they were like, hey, you cannot say that word in specials. So like they stopped Jay Okerson jokes and. Yeah, well, then I got a call on my follow up special. They were like, hey, if you talk about the last special and, and everything that would happened, they're like, you can't say like retarded again. That was really bad, right? Like, the fallout was bad. And I just kind of accepted it. And I don't. I'm not critiquing, I think, you know, language and stuff. It's. It's. There's cultural shifts. Things happen. You go, it's okay. Here's the funny thing. It has been five, six, seven years, and now people say, everyone says retarded again. And it's in shows, it's in stand up. Like, it, like, it's just back. That people just kind of were like, no, we want it back. We're gonna say it again. And. And I don't mean, like, in the malicious way to, like. I'm just saying, like, when we go, like, dude, what are you doing? This is retarded. You keep drinking. Like, you know, like, people are. But, like, that version is, like, back in. Is, like, acceptable.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta be honest with you. I'm. I end up going old school where I go, yo, I had a period where I didn't say any of these words and I understood it and I got it. And now that I hear them so casually and callously said, like, just whatever. I go, whatever happened to you guys? Did you guys get beat that easily? Yeah, like, what? We were on your team for a second. I mean, I never really used the word. I never really, like, I never. I. I'll tell you what. I never made fun of anyone with down syndrome in my entire life. I've never. It's not my. It's not my thing. And I. And I, It's. It's. And by the way, I. I. To the point where, like, I remember.

[Big Cat]

Making fun of somebody like that. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Big Cat]

That's like the, the whole.

[Bert Kreischer]

All the.

[Big Cat]

The word. I understand why somebody goes, you know, this is hurtful. It's not like, it's lost on me. But I'm saying you have to accept the way that language works is if enough of people. If enough people agree that a word has a second meaning, then that's how. Then. Then it has that meaning because people are agreeing on it. And. And with that word, you know, we all like to use it to somebody with somebody with a. Like a disability. That is cruel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And it's completely unnecessary. It's not funny. But people say it for, like. Like, same with gay. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, gay or the, you know, it's like both those words. I just go, like, I don't know. I didn't. I've never made fun of gay people. I've Enjoyed them.

[Big Cat]

You never. You never beat up a gay guy in high school?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, never.

[Big Cat]

You know, you're not that much of a barstool guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

That'S one of the things Dave looks for in a resume. He's like, did you get. Yeah, he's like, know that. Did you pummel somebody for being a quia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, is Big Cat here? Can we get him to step in for a second and just say hello? Yeah, I would just want to. I just want to give him flowers and tell him how great this has been. A great podcast, man. By the way, did you know that Tuskegee Airmen did not have syphilis?

[Big Cat]

I hadn't. I hadn't even. I didn't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

So can I tell you. Can I tell you what I learned?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tuskegee Airmen are different than the Tuskegee Experiment. My whole life, I thought they gave a bunch of pilots syphilis and then let them have syphilis for, like, 30 years to test out, to find out what the degree of what happened when you left syphilis untreated.

[Big Cat]

I mean, it kills you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you aware of the. The Tuskegee Experiment, where a bunch of guys, a bunch of black dudes, got what they called back in the day syphilis, but they called it bad blood, and they got syphilis. Syphilis was. It ruined your life. I mean, you went blind. You.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, your brain rotted.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brain rotted. Your Al Capone died of syphilis. I think he did. And so that was the Tuskegee Experiment. The Tuskegee Airmen is something totally different. Those. That was a bunch of black pilots during World War II. In whatever happens where you. What's. What's the thing where they. Everyone thought that Sinbad was in the movie Shazam. What's it called? What? The Mandela Effect. I thought they gave these pilots syphilis in World War II.

[Big Cat]

It'd be a crazy experiment.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Big Cat]

And I get up there and fly down with your brain melting in my head.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, the whole. My whole life, I've always been like, but they were flying for us. Why would we give them syphilis? And then what the.

[Big Cat]

Was the Sinbad thing? I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mandela effect, which is. It's when you think, you know, something happened. Like, oh, hold on. This is a Mandela effect. Luke Skywalker in Darth Vader says, luke, I am your father. Right?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He never said that. He never said that. His words were like, search deep into your truth. You will know it to be true. Luke, he never said Luke, I am your father. But we all believe. We heard, Luke, I am your father. For what? It's a Mandela effect. It's the same thing with.

[Big Cat]

Why is it called the Mandela effect?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because Nelson Mandela was really big into movies. I don't know. It's got to be. Why is it called the Mandela effect? Are you looking on your phone for an answer for me?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the Mandela effect? Do you like how I immediately became your boss? Who would you rather. Who would you rather sit on a 10 hour flight with? Big Cat or Dave Portnoy?

[Big Cat]

That was, that didn't take long.

[Bert Kreischer]

That did not take long. Yeah. All right.

[Big Cat]

He's nicer too. Oh, it's the death in prison of Nelson Mandela. Oh, people go, he died in prison. So people were telling that story because they think it's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious? Oh, so it is Nelson Mandela.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, that makes sense because people. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Big Cat]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so it's not Brent Krishner, it's Bert Kreischer.

[Big Cat]

Hey, that's a Mandela effect.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a Mandela effect. Do you know, do you know how often my name is mispronounced?

[Big Cat]

Well, I have a collection of videos in a folder, if that's what you're wondering.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I, I got two things ready. And by the way, I don't know if I know the answer. Oh, I know the answer. I know the answer. I almost guarantee you that Tom doesn't know Big Cat's real name.

[Big Cat]

Dan Katz.

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. Is he Jewish? Really? One of the big ones?

[Big Cat]

Yeah, he's a real outlier in that world. They get, they only get one or two like that in a generation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. Good looking, strong jawline.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Big, Great hair. Big guy. He's a big dude. I, I, I, they were. I, I think 6, 2 is the threshold of big dude.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, legit.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you're 62, you're a big man. When you're six foot doesn't do it. Six foot, you might as well be 510. Might as well, right? No one can tell the difference between 5, 10 and 6 foot.

[Big Cat]

No, you want to be like you said, 6, 2, 6, 3. That's where it's at. I think we should.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look who just showed up.

[Big Cat]

What's up, man? We've been having the best time here for the last, whatever, how long we've been here, and we just wanted you to come in because thank you for, first of all for letting us do this also. Congratulations. A play. I know you've been here a while, but it's super impressive, man.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Are we live right now?

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. I was like, oh, this is really nice. I was thinking maybe you're gonna say all this before we started taping.

[Big Cat]

No, man. We've been recording for an hour.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's awesome. Happy you guys got to see it.

[Big Cat]

It's really cool, man.

[Tom Segura]

It's a dream. It's like we. I work in a fun factory.

[Big Cat]

You actually really do.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Tom Segura]

It's the. The Rob Dyrdek. I was such a huge fan.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Of him and Robin. Big.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I remember when he, like, built that. Whatever it was 20 years ago. I was like.

[Big Cat]

With his, like, skateboard park and all.

[Tom Segura]

That, like, that's what I want to do for. For a living.

[Big Cat]

And you did it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Can I say one. One funny thing, though. So I. So we. We built this in November 2023 is when we moved in. And I take my kids here all the time to, like. Yeah. Three of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys are good at keeping secrets.

[Tom Segura]

No, I mean, that's not a secret. There's. They're very much. I mean, I don't put them online.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you don't do. In specials and talk about their periods?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, I don't. I don't. I don't put out their pictures or their names because I. I know that they're very smart. A pretty up. Very smart reckoning when they. When they get to, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean when they go to college and some guy walks up to her or party and goes, I'm going to the famous right out of you. Yeah, you, kid. I know who you are, and I'll find you.

[Tom Segura]

Say his name. Yeah, I got three little kids, so we. I bring them here all the time to, like, run around on the weekends. I have, like, little. You know, the little toy trucks and stuff. And then. So they love it. They think it's the coolest thing ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is.

[Tom Segura]

They love it. Then maybe it was like, four months ago, Dude Perfect opened their new office. And my son watches Dude Perfect. And he watched their tour of their new office, and he was just like, where are your Go karts?

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, can we. Can we deep dive?

[Tom Segura]

So Dude Perfect, I think they do. I think they're like, deep state media because they did a. They did like, a fun run at my son's school. He's in kindergarten. And all you had to do is compete and you get a prize. The prize was Dude Perfect backpacks. So every kid walks out with a Dude Perfect backpack. And they're just like, this is awesome. And then, boom, they're hook lines.

[Bert Kreischer]

We gotta do that with Porosos. Do kindergarten parties. Oh, hold on. That's actually. That's actually brilliant. That's actually brilliant.

[Big Cat]

That's really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's really brilliant.

[Big Cat]

We should do lunchboxes while we're at it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. And Lucy. You guys with Lucy? Yes. Lucy, you should come out with a candy that you put in your cheek, and it slowly releases sugar. This is brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

All right, what was the deep dive?

[Big Cat]

Okay, well, first of all, are you Jewish?

[Tom Segura]

I am non practicing. My dad was or is. My mom is not.

[Big Cat]

Your mom is not. So you're not officially so halfway. Yeah, but I mean, because we were saying, like, man, he's a real outlier. Look at him. He's, like, big, strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

You and Gary Goldman. You and Gary Goldman could carry on the race.

[Tom Segura]

I was one of those kids when I was, like, younger. I. I hated all religion. Like, I. I've gotten more mature where. If you think that religion is important to you and your relationship with God is important to you, I'm not gonna judge Tommy Summer.

[Bert Kreischer]

He hates Palestinians, right?

[Big Cat]

It just depends.

[Tom Segura]

But I have. But I have. I was that, like, kid who's like, this is like, why are we doing. Why are we doing anything that was told to us, you know, 3,000 years ago?

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Tom Segura]

And I've kept that pretty consistent throughout my life.

[Big Cat]

It's funny how. How non relig. Like, I was brought up in, like, a kind of religious household and how I have kids now and they have virtually, like, just. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. My kids are not.

[Big Cat]

Just not part of their upbringing, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be a good person.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's the thing is, like, I understand religion, like, can instill those type of foundational things, morals and everything, but, like, I. I hope that I am able to do that on my own without religion.

[Big Cat]

I hated also, like, I had to go to, you know, Sunday school, and we went to mass every Sunday and all this stuff. And it's like, oh, my God. My kids, like, you know, picturing them going through that. They would be like, dude, I hate you, man. Yeah, right, right. If I made them do that, now, where's the idea?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, we took Georgia to church once, and Isla is this. I mean, this kid's staring at me. I go, what? She goes, why are we here? And I go, what do you mean? She goes, you like this? I go, no, why are we here? I go, nan and Papa. She goes, we could leave, right? Like, we don't have to stay here. And I'm. I'm like, where was that brain for me as a child? Now I'm going to push back. I'm going to say I just watched Conclave. Did you watch Conclave?

[Tom Segura]

I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Spoiler alert.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't really love the ending.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. It's the Ace Ventura of religious movies. Yeah. Iron Horn's a dude.

[Big Cat]

The. The buildup was fantastic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Awesome. It was. The buildup was great.

[Tom Segura]

They could have just ended the movie being like, we picked, you know, a random.

[Big Cat]

Like, my. My favorite genre of, like, of films are, like, thrillers, sometime. Or suspense, you know, like. And it's all about building up. And then the reveal. The reveal. Like, who killed or what's the thing? And so you're waiting. You're like, oh, man, this is building so well. The actors are phenomenal. It's well directed. The tension. You're like, oh, what's it going to be? And then I got to tell you, when it's revealed, I was like, you got to be kidding me.

[Bert Kreischer]

They should have gone full and had all the priests go. You remember Dan Marino? Dan Marino was like, dude, I mean, what a great. I watch that with my daughters. My daughters are kind of woke. The first thing they say is, they see us, Ventura, and they're like, are we laughing? Laughing at a special needs person? They go, no, no, it's different. And they're like, no, dad, that's. And then by the end, we're like, he's just a transgendered female.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't get it. They suck this dick or whatever.

[Big Cat]

You know, my boys watched it last week. Ace ventura. Yeah. They're 6 and 9, and they're like, this is the greatest thing of all time.

[Tom Segura]

I can't wait to get to, like, actual movies. I'm still in, like, the Despicable Paw Patrol.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They love.

[Big Cat]

They lost their minds.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What trips? Let's talk about kids. What trips do you want to take with your kids?

[Tom Segura]

How old are your kids about to be? Six, four and two.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. Man.

[Tom Segura]

Boy, girl, boy. Three is a lot.

[Big Cat]

Three is a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Three is a lot.

[Big Cat]

You're outnumbered.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. Yeah, man. I just. We. I just came back from Hawaii, and I went to a resort that I've taken my girls to, like, 10 times. And no, that's. That's over probably five times. And. And we had so much fun at this resort that I started thinking the. The podcast move. And I always think, like, in. In, like, you know, how do you monetize it, whatever is like, it's like planning trips for families. Like doing family family trips. Like, not this. Like, we're a family. We're gonna live in a van and we all work out and we all eat liver. You know, whatever. Yeah, but like, planning trips for families because, man, there are some fun family trips and then there's some that aren't worth it that you go. Maybe my kids don't need to see Bali. Right? You know, like, they've. This Hawaii is just as good as Bali.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Yeah. I, we go to. I haven't. I take my kids on some trips. Some trips they're not invited to because.

[Big Cat]

It'S like, you know, too young, man.

[Tom Segura]

A two year old is like, when we go anywhere near a pool, he just tries to kill himself.

[Big Cat]

Of course. You know, also, every time, like, I do the road, people like, do you bring your kids? I'm like, we're in four cities in four nights. Like, to have little guys, right?

[Tom Segura]

Eventually I'll love that. It'll be awesome. Like, next year I'm going to take my, the, the Final Fours in Indianapolis. I'm going to take my son to that because it's a drive.

[Big Cat]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Like, that's going to be awesome.

[Big Cat]

That'll be awesome.

[Tom Segura]

But no, we. There is a place we go to in the Bahamas, Baha Mar. Have you guys ever been there? It's, it's, it's the best. And I say this because I'm a very easy guy. If you give me a pool and a casino, I'm in. So it's a full, like, resort, but there's a full casino, sports book, there's like 20 restaurants on the resort. There's also a free water park attached to it. And it's like, I do this without my kids.

[Big Cat]

I've asked you a version of this before, but, like, for like, like that vacation, do you go in with like a number?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

So you go, I'm just gambling this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then I'll probably hit the ATM again. But yeah, I actually did well this trip.

[Big Cat]

Really? Oh, good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So can I ask you as a person who I have the things I like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You text me every now and then being like, is this a good bet? I'm like, dude, you're like, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saved me. You saved me like 10 grand.

[Tom Segura]

I think you wanted to bet, like, Baker Mayfield, the mvp.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. And by the way, I'm so excited for the bucks. Shiloh Sanders is going to be a jersey. I'm buying okay, and then what are.

[Tom Segura]

You going to do when he gets cut?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not getting cut. God damn it.

[Big Cat]

Listen, where do you think Shador is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Going to end up? Hang on. Shut the fuck up. Tom, I have a really good question.

[Big Cat]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. What about Shador?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think he's gonna. I think it'll be a good backup.

[Big Cat]

Somewhere not in Cleveland.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe in Cleveland. Maybe he'll stick around in Cleveland. He's. He's okay. He's just like, you have to be. You have to have, like, incredible arm talent in the NFL. You have to have something that's elite. But maybe he can. Maybe he can make it as a backup. And, like, that's a pretty good life. Chase Daniel made millions and millions of dollars. I think they. Someone did, like, a breakdown. He's, like, made, like, $300,000 per pass attempt. That's pretty cool, because he was in the NFL for so long, and he just. He would get in every now and.

[Big Cat]

Then, and his brain still works.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right, Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's kind of cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now, here's my great question, because I'm a journalist, so, like, when I go. When I go on vacation with the girls when they were younger, there was always like a. I monitored my drinking because I didn't. I didn't want to get out of control, but there was a little bit of where, you know, I got loose. Do you do that with gambling so that your kids don't see the gambling?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, they know.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like. So, like, you go to the final Four, he's getting dad and a little bit of Big Cat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, he's. There's. In my house, there's specific times where the game's on and my kids will be like, who are you rooting for? Like, what color? I'm like, we're rooting for both. We have the over.

[Bert Kreischer]

We want.

[Tom Segura]

When this team has the ball, we.

[Big Cat]

Want them to score.

[Tom Segura]

When this team has the ball, we.

[Bert Kreischer]

Want them to score.

[Tom Segura]

So they probably don't really understand how sports. Sports work.

[Big Cat]

They don't get it at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, for both.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, It's. I mean, it is. I've said it before. I may have even said on this.

[Big Cat]

Show they're gonna have a real funny conversation in school, and they're like, we like all teams.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right. Yeah. It's like, we like points, but. Yeah. No, I. I've been lucky enough that I can. I can gamble.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you guys racist? No. Black people make dad smile. We need.

[Tom Segura]

We need points. Can they score? Can they get can they score? Can they put the ball in the hoop? But yeah, I'm really all. My only hobby is gambling. So, yeah, I know that it's probably. I never try to think about how much I've lost in my life because that would make me sick. But I also know that I've been lucky enough to make a lot. So, yeah, just keep it going.

[Big Cat]

Kind of balances out, right?

[Tom Segura]

Kind of. I need to get to a point where, like, I've talked to my financial advisors, like, about retirement, and I'm not gonna retire anytime soon. But, like, what's the point where I have enough money that I can just lose it all, like, for the rest of my life? You know what I mean? Because that's what's. Because I'm not going to retire and not gamble. So I gotta figure out, I gotta figure out how much I can have that I can then be like, all right, we're okay with losing all of this? And then you just, you know, die with nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, the problem, the problem with gambling, for me, I'll speak for Tom, too. I've seen Tom gamble. Tom gamble's like, you gamble. But like, I'm not the only time it's interesting. It's like cheating on your wife. Who's gonna wear a condom, right? Yeah. It's like if you cheat on your wife. Raw dog, right? That's the way it works.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like if you, if you cheat on your wife and she goes, did you wear a condom? You're like, you've never heard about cheating. Apparently so. But that's same thing with gambling.

[Tom Segura]

I actually totally disagree with that, but go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would wear a condom?

[Tom Segura]

I. Well, first of all, I wouldn't cheat on my.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't, you know, my wife either.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm gonna sell for a real reason. I've, like, I come way too fast to like, it would be like 45 seconds to ruin my entire life, you know, I mean, like, if I could, like a porn star, then you'd be like, oh, we'll consider it. But like, I, I think about like the embarrassment in the 45 seconds, then being like, your life's over now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I, can I, can I piss you a bar stool challenge? Okay, Me and you.

[Big Cat]

My wife would love that explanation, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she also loves, because she always asks, like, you know, the hypotheticals you do with your wife. You're like, if I died, what would you like, would you remarry? Yeah, I'm like, listen, if you died, like, tomorrow, high end prostitutes, rest of My life. That's nice. That's love.

[Big Cat]

That's love.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's love. That's love. I don't want to put the time into fucking. It's like when you get a new dog, I don't want to potty train them. I like the old dog follow me around next to my heels.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. Fucking great dogs, man. The. What were we talking about? Gambling. Gambling. Gambling, Gambling. I'm a little drunk. The 11:30 in Chicago.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The thing gambling for me is it only works when it hurts.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it doesn't.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. You can't go in.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And go a hundred dollars and then it matter.

[Tom Segura]

That's where. That's.

[Big Cat]

That's the whole thing that keeps going up.

[Tom Segura]

I had a run this spring in March. I. I won 16 straight bets, and I was just going up and up and up. I didn't lose a bet until, like, March 10th. It was like, the biggest thing. People were waiting for my pick. It was incredible. But the problem was every bet got a little bit bigger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then when I finished, when I finally lost, I was like, well, what do I do now? Like, I gotta. I gotta stay at this level. So it probably me up in the long run.

[Big Cat]

I learned it, like, the emotional part of it with blackjack, because I love blackjack.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And there's this thing where you're, you know, you go to a table, let's say. And you know, people have different approaches, but typically I would start, like, small. Right, Right. Like just kind of like, oh, let's start. So I'm like, here's a small bet, and I'm winning. And then next hand, winning. And you're like, I'm not feeling anything.

[Tom Segura]

Push it. Yeah, yeah.

[Big Cat]

Because. But, like, there's no charge.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Big Cat]

So then you go, you know, whatever. Here's a thousand dollars. Then you're like, you know, and then if you win, you're like, yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

You finally go, oh, here's the emotion.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

But if you lose it, you're like.

[Tom Segura]

You don't want to. You don't want to sit at a blackjack table for two hours and be like, I won 50 bucks.

[Big Cat]

No, the.

[Tom Segura]

Have you guys been to Dana White's Tunnel of Chaos?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dana White, Scar seen it.

[Tom Segura]

So he's got his casino. He goes to Red Rocks.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we went there, I think it was like last year to. On.

[Big Cat]

We talked to him about this, though. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You show up, he's sitting at a blackjack table. You say what you want to win. And then he plays for you. You win that money, then you get up and go. And so, like, you, I literally said, I want to win $15,000. He's like, okay. Gambles it. Like, I think I played three hands, won $15,000, stood up and left.

[Big Cat]

He's like, get out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And like, but it's, it. Will Compton sat down. I think he was down like 300k at one point, but I followed this. And it's like that feeling of like, is this my money or Dana's money? I don't really know what's going on. But then you just, he just fought back and fought back, and Dana keeps going, so you guys got to go to the tunnel.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what, but what is the, what is the allure for a guy like Dana or Michael Jordan?

[Tom Segura]

I think he likes watching other people win too. Like, that's fun.

[Big Cat]

He likes to win.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Big Cat]

The, the, the, the appeal to him is that he is an elite businessman.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Big Cat]

Who has had massive wins. Right. Like, we're talking bit like billion dollar sales and, like, you know, he, he goes to these UFC events. You know, the gate is 6.8 million. And, you know, there's this many people doing pay per view, like, it's just, it's a charge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Big Cat]

Because he's, he's devoured success. And so when he's not in that environment, he's just like, this shit's lame.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Right.

[Big Cat]

Sitting around sucks.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Big Cat]

So I'll go here. I'm gonna. $400,000.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And then if you, if he, if he wins that hand, he's just like, yeah, there it is again. There's that feeling of like, yeah, I just won half a million dollars in two minutes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Winning.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, he wants to win.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

That's Jordan, too.

[Tom Segura]

Jordan, Right. Like, he doesn't have a gambling problem. He's a competition problem.

[Big Cat]

Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

He just wants to compete.

[Big Cat]

He wants to compete. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

All right, where are you guys next on your tour?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom's on tour right now.

[Big Cat]

I'm going, I'm flying to Springfield, Massachusetts right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I, I, I. Never mind.

[Big Cat]

Albany and Rochester. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, there's a lot of Springfields, huh?

[Big Cat]

Oh, there's, there's a few.

[Bert Kreischer]

What a. Why didn't drive? I was talking about you last night.

[Big Cat]

Massachusetts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, I didn't realize that.

[Tom Segura]

No, he thought of Springfield.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I was like, the he flying for. Why are we on such a tight schedule?

[Big Cat]

I don't like driving.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta watch your new show too. Please do.

[Big Cat]

Yeah, please do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'VE been. I've been watching Mobland. That's. Have you guys watched it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Don't talk about what happened on Sunday. I haven't watched today's episode. Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Have you watched Mobland? Let me just give you a pitch on Mobland. It's basically, if they speedrun Sopranos and, like, every episode is its own, like, action movie that it's not really a lot of depth, but it's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost as good as Mega Marle show, really. Hold on. We're not done with you. I know you have to go. Hold on. Mobland's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Real quick. Real quick.

[Tom Segura]

Tom Hardy hasn't slept. Have you noticed that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he hasn't.

[Tom Segura]

Two weeks in the show in London.

[Big Cat]

And it's on Paramount. Paramount.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, a weird one to find.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had to buy. Can you just sell it to Netflix? Yeah, we're done. Anyway, Mobland's great. Tom. Tom Hardy has this weird thing where he's kind of does one thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm there for every time he does it.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even think he's acting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think he's just like, hey.

[Tom Segura]

Tom, just be an. Be a badass.

[Big Cat]

He's. That movie Havoc came out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

It's an entertaining movie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, everything he's in is entertaining, but it's like, he's just a badass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think if I, I. I looked at a house with Colin Farrell one time? He was looking at. We were looking at the same. No, we were looking at the same house at the same time. And, man, I could. That's a sick brag. I could. Listen. No, it was not a nice house. It was for his sister. He was looking for a sister.

[Tom Segura]

Were you looking for yourself?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was looking for me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Big Cat]

I showed Dr. Dre's house one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Big Cat]

Yeah. I almost bought it, but then I was like, I don't want this house. It was in Woodland Hills. He lived in Woodland Hills in the same house that he bought in, like, 93.

[Tom Segura]

Little. Little fixer upper.

[Big Cat]

Well, it was. It was weird. It looked like a castle, and I didn't know it was his house. And I pull up, I'm like, it's a weird house. Right? And then the guy is giving us the tour, and he's like, yeah, you know the guys in the music business. I was like, oh, who is it? He goes, oh, you know, I can't say who it is. I was like, okay. And then there's like, really old. Like, you know where you go, this data, this needs to be totally renovated. Then you turn a corner and something's totally state of the art.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Big Cat]

What happened here? He's like, oh, they did this room.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Like, okay. And then the kitchen looks like it's 200 years old. And then the theater is like, state of the art. And you're like. And then outside by the pool, they renovated a section that had like a fire pit. And I was like, dude, this is the most crazy, like, just, you know, piecemeal kind of thing. And he's like, yeah. You know, his daughter, she's going to college in the fall. I go, oh, it's Dr. Dre. And he was like, fuck, yeah. Because I had just like, read article about it. I go, this is Dre's house. They're like, yeah. I go, this is terrible. Like, and then he. He moved from that house to like, this, the one that Brady had built in Brentwood. So he. He went from this house to a $40 million Brentwood estate. Yeah, but it was a. It was a weird house in Woodland Hills.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

And he would drive, you know, you'd see him driving around because he. For a gym instead of having a house gym, he got a commercial gym in like a strip mall.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

As a personal gym.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you'd see you're looking at your flax. You have a gym.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have a crunch in here.

[Big Cat]

Basically, it would be like if he bought though a Planet Fitness and left the name Planet Fitness. And like, no one's allowed to come here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Right. This is your place. That's awesome.

[Big Cat]

And so, like, they would have like, the. The people. He would always get mad at people parking in the gym spaces. They're like, yeah, there's no gym members. Like, it's just you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you look at this Tom and do you go, this is what? Ymh.

[Big Cat]

Could be this place.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz Tom's. Have you ever been to Tom's studio?

[Tom Segura]

No, I haven't.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic. Like, it looks like people just when they walk out, no one's smiling. They're like, but this place is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, the. The one rule I made too of this place, everyone has to show up. Everyone show up to work. Because, like, there's a lot of times where you don't, you know, like, if you're blogging or you're doing, you come and do your podcast and you leave. I was like, everyone show up because.

[Bert Kreischer]

The magic cut to my Face. Cut to my fucking face. Hey, guys. At Birdie Boy Entertainment, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Work from home, you know work from home means you don't work from home. I'm not working today. Yeah, I know you're not allowed to say this, hr this is fucking bullshit. You show up to work because being there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is the fucking creative.

[Tom Segura]

Especially in our. In our line of work. Like the. You can't do it on zoom.

[Big Cat]

No, you can't. It sucks. Zoom sucks. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

You have to. You have to be in the mix together. That's where everything. The magic happens. So I'm getting a. I, I. It's too bad you guys came now if you came a week later. I just bought a industrial soft serve.

[Big Cat]

Ice cream machine, so we're gonna upgrade some.

[Tom Segura]

That's my husband.

[Big Cat]

I think we have. We have some fun at our. Dude, we have a. Come on. What are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's cool. It's like going to the dentist. It's not like you walk in scared and you leave going, thank God, I'm leaving. No, it's.

[Tom Segura]

Can you throw a ball around?

[Big Cat]

Oh, well, first of all, we don't have the size.

[Tom Segura]

Just asking. Can you. If I came to your office, I was like, tom, let's have a catch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where?

[Big Cat]

Yeah, we could.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where no one. Over any's head.

[Big Cat]

No, when you break something, when you into the. Listen to me. No, no, you want to know, like, the studio.

[Tom Segura]

I would like to see a video of you having a catch.

[Big Cat]

You know I'm going to do. Yeah. As soon as I fucking get back. Yes. I'm playing catch and I'm sending you the video.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. He is Thomas. They call them liars. Tom. If you go in, Tom has. I'm gonna really break apart your studio. First of all, you can't walk in the door like you could here. No, you can't walk in the door. You gotta go.

[Big Cat]

It's called security.

[Tom Segura]

We have security.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then a twink comes out. What's his name?

[Big Cat]

Dan. Tanner.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tanner comes out and he's like, oh, hey. Oh, hey, cool. And you're like, hey, is Tom here yet? No, he's run late. You want coffee? Reed's got your coffee. And you're like, cool, Tanner. And then, and then, and then all the branding is so that, you know, Tom isn't racist. It's just black people painted everywhere. Like, it is. It is. What is it? Kobe Bryant. He's never watched a Lakers game his life. He's got a mural of Kobe Bryant in the Studio and then some Latina chicks, right? It's like Tom grew up in LA as a jolo. And then. And then you. And then. And then everyone's scared. You ever go into like a rescue?

[Big Cat]

Everyone's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's scared. You walk into a rescue place where they rescue puppies and the puppies. Like that's any. Then you see Chad Zolo's like, I don't want to touch. I don't want to touch. I don't want to touch. That's the whole fucking place. And Ryan's place. Ryan's is right by the door.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty true.

[Big Cat]

I mean, there's a guy, he works there too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but he's right by the door. So he can leave and you can get drinks in his office.

[Tom Segura]

Ryan, could we have a catch?

[Big Cat]

Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where the fuck would you have I actually.

[Big Cat]

Multiple places.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Big Cat]

We got. I'm going to send you a super cut.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can. Hey guys, what kind of ball you want to use?

[Tom Segura]

Just whatever tennis ball.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want a catch of all sort. I want a lacrosse catch, maybe a frisbee. Frisbee catch. I want a baseball catch. I want all these catches. And then I'm going to show you what it's like to work in a den of snakes.

[Big Cat]

Okay, first of all, you know what his place is like, right?

[Tom Segura]

I. I mean, I assume it's just his house and he makes everyone go there.

[Big Cat]

Well, it's a. It's a house. It's a house that is like, of like where yarn collectors get together and talk about. You know what I mean? Like farted. It is such a chick hang. It is the op. They would for. If they even visited.

[Tom Segura]

It's like a Portlandia sketch.

[Big Cat]

Oh, no. If they visited here, they would. They would. They would basically sue you guys for sa. Just for existing. They would exist. They would exist, sue you. It's the complete polar opposite. It's a bunch of broads just sitting around being like, you know, I think's a good idea. I'm like, how do you do this, dude? You need to hire a couple barstool people, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bring min.

[Tom Segura]

We gotta go. We got a couple we could throw your way. They will ruin your life. They will ruin your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have none of what's old? Canadian oldie. Oldie. I've none of that energy in my house.

[Big Cat]

And I want it flapjacks.

[Tom Segura]

Flapjacks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want that energy in my house.

[Tom Segura]

He's a gem and a trash man. And we just like. We had him on one streamer. Like this guy. We have To.

[Big Cat]

He moved here.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's. He still lives in Toronto. He's got a wife and two kids. But whenever we meet him, he comes down.

[Big Cat]

Holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I got it. You can edit this out if you need to. I got it.

[Big Cat]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know how I've always wanted to adopt a Down syndrome dude?

[Big Cat]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. No, Yeah. I want it because.

[Tom Segura]

Because that's not only, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I know, but he's Canadian.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Which is a little.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're getting confused here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna hire. I'm gonna hire an intern, a down center intern, just to break up the female energy, dude. Right, Dude. Positive as.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Break up that female energy. I got too much female energy. I got too much.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe we go for, like, an autistic guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, autistic.

[Tom Segura]

We got, we got a.

[Bert Kreischer]

We gotta.

[Tom Segura]

We got a few.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take that out or keep it in. But no, but I'm like, not take it out because no one will take it out. God damn it. But no, but, like, I'm so tired of these grown men saying they're autistic, and you just got to deal with a rude dude.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like. You're like, oh, so I'm on your page. You tell me everything, and I just can't disagree. No, hold on. You know what I'm talking about too, don't you?

[Big Cat]

No, I know a few people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, yeah, it's exhausting.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, enough.

[Big Cat]

Anybody who has any, like, social quirk that is not positive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

People go, yeah, he's autistic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

He goes, I'm autistic. And you're like. I don't think you are.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Big Cat]

You're kind of right, right.

[Tom Segura]

You just don't like talking to people.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's why you're my partner, bro. Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You never got into cars? You into cars?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean? Just gambling.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I, I, I dream of someday, like, getting some old cars. That'd be cool, but I don't know about cars.

[Big Cat]

Are you, like, a real estate guy, though? Like, do you want. No. You don't like a place, somewhere magical?

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Just as simple as it gets. I don't really change. Just gamble.

[Bert Kreischer]

Steak or fish?

[Tom Segura]

Steak.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

What are we doing? Are you garbage?

[Bert Kreischer]

What is this? Yeah, I guess. Did you grow up with Tupperware? Did you grow up with Tupperware?

[Big Cat]

I see chains, though. You got chains on your neck.

[Tom Segura]

I do. I have a couple. Dude, this actually was. You guys know Roan, one of One of the most talented guys we have at barstool. He got me this. This is the Saint. The gambling saint. Hasn't really helped, but that's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Trying.

[Tom Segura]

And then this is a. This is an asteroid that my wife has a matching one from. They. They mined an asteroid in Africa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bro.

[Big Cat]

You should get a massive medallion. That is an iced out, actual big cat, like a puma. That should. That would be your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why don't you have a big cat that lives here? Can I. Can I pitch you on Savannah? Savannah Cats. Do you know what Savannah cats are?

[Tom Segura]

No, bro. Sounds like a problem. Again, I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I don't know if they're. By the way, I'm in love with Mincy. You know that.

[Tom Segura]

Because you don't work with them?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because. Because me and him have the exact same musical taste.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, did you. Have you gone to the Sphere?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For Dead and company, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I went lat. Two weekends ago. That was my fourth time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, are you a dead end?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, big time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you being serious? Yeah. How did I not know that?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you like. Are you like. Are you like.

[Big Cat]

Wait, is there anything else about you that we don't know?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, he's just.

[Big Cat]

How dare you?

[Tom Segura]

How dare me not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Brent.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's Bert.

[Tom Segura]

No. Brent, if that was what you're gonna ask.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, no.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna ask me what my favorite keyboardist is. It's Brent. The 80s.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no. It's not what I was. Wait. Or top five favorite Dead songs. And. And don't go.

[Tom Segura]

You got to do it changes so much right now. Wharf rat. Althea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Althea.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy Fingers. Help on the way. Slipknot Franklin's tower.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's gone.

[Tom Segura]

And he's gone. Standing on the moon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus Christ. Can I tell you what a liar John Mayer is?

[Tom Segura]

He's the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

But watch, guy.

[Big Cat]

Maybe the biggest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, maybe the biggest. I. I went two last year when I went to the Sphere. I just posted a picture being like, yo, this is awesome. He DM me. He's like, hey, come. Come to my green room before the show tomorrow night and hang out. Hung out with him for like 20 minutes. Coolest guy ever. Yeah, just like one on one. It was awesome.

[Big Cat]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

He is the man.

[Big Cat]

He's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

You spelled mayor.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta go in four minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

How do you do this?

[Bert Kreischer]

This?

[Tom Segura]

We should make a trade. You get like for like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's gonna sell me in a second. He's gonna sell me in a second.

[Tom Segura]

And then we can go to therapy together.

[Big Cat]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, then we do a podcast at the end and we talk about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'll be the therapy John would sell me.

[Tom Segura]

Do you see what I deal with? Like, no. You see what I deal with?

[Big Cat]

No, I, I actually, we think we should try.

[Tom Segura]

We should do that. Yeah, you. We should absolutely do that. You doing a podcast with Mincy and then me having to have Birch in the office. You'll learn a lot about Mincy.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, he'll tell you everything, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, it's no, it's. No, it's not. We, we connected so quickly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know. You guys are the same.

[Big Cat]

That's what you were talking to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big Cat]

Oh, I was like, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were going off on Billy Strings and he's been fired.

[Tom Segura]

He did, he did a live show on. He has a live show. Wake up, Mincy. And the show landed on the first of the month and he celebrated by singing Bone Thugs in harmony.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And decided to do the lyrics live.

[Big Cat]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a good call.

[Tom Segura]

So he got fired for a little bit. Now he's back.

[Big Cat]

It's the first of the month. Wake up.

[Tom Segura]

He just went right through it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm looking for John Mayer's number. All the words.

[Big Cat]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

John Mayer says Althea was his.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Introduction.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not, it's never. I'm just saying it's too deep of a song for someone.

[Tom Segura]

I believe it just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm, I'm stuck on the fact that you get introduced by the Dead on, on one of the songs we never listen to anymore. For a lot of people. It was Touch of Gray. Yeah. And by the way, I'm, I'm, I'll even go deeper and say that I now rediscovered how great of a song. Touch it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. That's the best part is you just keep, like, my, My favorite songs shift from week to week, month to month. You find a new show, you find a new song. It's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you going to the ones in.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it because his schedule. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to go so bad production.

[Tom Segura]

They'Re doing a Grateful Dead 60 year anniversary in San Francisco in August. Yeah. And Billy Strings and Sturgill Simpson.

[Big Cat]

Do you, do you, do you like, do you like edibles and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Mushrooms.

[Big Cat]

Mushrooms, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you like dmt?

[Tom Segura]

No, I, I Can't say I've done.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of dmt pen, you want to hit it real quick?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm good.

[Big Cat]

The vape pen is the best thing ever. Yeah, the DMT one.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Big Cat]

Incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'll take your word for it.

[Big Cat]

I'll. You want to.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'll take your word for it. That's what taking your word for it is.

[Big Cat]

No, no, but it'll only.

[Tom Segura]

I just. I just. I believe you.

[Big Cat]

Here's the thing. Fifteen minutes, you feel like you're gonna die or be paralyzed.

[Tom Segura]

This is great.

[Big Cat]

And then you come back and you're like, holy, I'm still alive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are. I think you guys are kind of bored if you're just casually doing tmt.

[Big Cat]

I said it last night.

[Tom Segura]

Gotta find something else for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I want to say thank you. Yeah. Thank you for letting us come. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Anytime you guys are interested.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the coolest thing about the industry that we're in is there's a. There's, like, a shared camaraderie and. And to show us around this place.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's. It's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

And we specifically built, like, extra podcast studios for exactly this. Like, Brandon Marshall came with Cam Newton, and then he. Brandon Marshall came back, like, four days in a row, just doing his show. Everybody day. I was, like, taking a piss of the urinal, and he was just standing next to me.

[Big Cat]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Anytime you guys are here, you need a spot.

[Big Cat]

Really appreciate it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Big Cat]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you very much.

[Big Cat]

Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

One goes top while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two Mary. Here's one cave.