Adam Carolla + You (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla + You (Carolla Classics)

Podcast: The Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics)
Date: October 18, 2025
Main Theme:
A classic, fan-curated episode where Adam Carolla goes solo (with occasional appearances from Donnie "The Weez") and takes listener calls, riffing on topics ranging from celebrity racecar driving, lazy cultural naming conventions, podcast business mechanics, conspiracy theories, education, and more—with his signature blend of comedic candor, personal anecdotes, and rants on American culture.

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Episode Overview

This episode features standout segments from Adam’s 2010 “Adam & You” shows. Adam provides updates on life and work, relives surreal celebrity encounters, and fields questions from listeners that inspire rants on topics from public schools to podcast commentary tracks. Peppered with both light-hearted humor and pointed social observations, Adam keeps the tone irreverent, confessional, and unfiltered, making for a quintessentially “Carolla” experience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Adam’s Adventures in the Celebrity Grand Prix (03:00–12:30)

• Fresh back from racing at Willow Springs for the Long Beach Grand Prix, Adam recounts track rivalries with Keanu Reeves (“up my ass for eight laps”), as well as interactions with other celebrities like Adrien Brody, Brian Austin Green, Christian Slater, Tony Hawk, and Zachary Levi.
• Notable for Adam’s realization about Keanu:

  “I sort of misjudged the guy... I thought he was some sort of pretty boy who thought his poop didn’t stink. And he’s a nice guy, had a great time on the track…”
  (05:54)

• Shares an anecdote about seeing Keanu on TV in "Point Break" later that same evening, highlighting surreal moments of celebrity life.

2. Superfan Giovanni Calls In: Movie Commentary for the Podcast (12:45–15:23)

• Giovanni pitches Adam on recording real-time movie commentary tracks, referencing “RiffTrax” and other similar products.
• Adam is initially skeptical about legalities, with Giovanni and Donnie clarifying:

  “It’s just an audio track CD... you just line it up at the beginning of the movie.” – Donnie
  (14:08)

• Adam expresses openness: “All right, Giovanni, we'll do it…”
  (15:23)

3. Life & Misery in Different Cities (15:35–17:32)

• Giovanni laments Chicago, Adam riffs on how Giovanni is “miserable in both Hawaii and Chicago,” and the conversation drifts to how different cities like Seattle compare in cleanliness and vibe.
• Adam’s Seattle analogy:

  “Seattle’s like someone took a pressure sprayer to Los Angeles and blew away all the graffiti, all the gum and all the Mexicans, and just left it with some sort of sparkling sidewalk.”
  (16:13)

4. Rating His Boxing Movie & Hollywood’s Double Standards (21:03–23:14)

• Adam discusses his amateur boxing movie being rated “R for violence,” despite its comparatively tame content.
• Rant on the absurdity of rating systems and the phrase “adult situations”:

  “Did I get raped by the coach? I made out with a girl on a porch. Adult situations?”
  (22:40)

5. Adam’s Reflections on Self-Perception & Success (23:30–32:00)

• Adam and Donnie discuss how Adam was never told he was funny or talented as a youth; how school was the only yardstick for intelligence.
• Adam’s drive:

  “I never gave up because what was my alternative? …If I'm gonna be poor, I'll just stay here… I just thought adults outside of my family were smart. I just thought guys who put on ties and got into Oldsmobiles, schoolteacher…I thought schoolteachers were smart…”
  (29:19–31:19)

• Dissects the myth that those who are told they’re smart early on automatically succeed.

6. Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao Rant (33:26–43:18)

• Adam analyzes the delay in the infamous boxing match, scrutinizes cultural differences in beliefs about drug testing and “giving blood.”

• "If this was a white fighter...someone would go, 'What the fuck are you talking about?'"
  (35:21)

• Satirizes the Philippines’ fervor for Pacquiao:

  “All you fucking got is this illiterate guy who won't give up blood...”
  (40:47)

• Jokes about sex tourism misunderstandings:

  “Don’t they have the sex tours there? ...No, you’re thinking of Thailand. …Yeah, same difference.”
  (43:01–43:17)

7. Listener Questions: Names, Oddities, Soap, and Show Mechanics (51:06–61:36)

• Riffs on lazy cultural naming (“Chupacabra” literally = “goat sucker,” “Bigfoot” just = “Bigfoot”), and questions why “Sasquatch” hasn’t been translated.
• Listener asks Adam about his income breakdown from live shows (“by the time the dust settles...made five grand, something like that. Not a bad evening...”).
  (57:00–59:12)
• Updates about moving to a new warehouse, adding sound effects (Bald Brian), and behind-the-scenes podcast logistics.

8. Longform Rant: Immigration, Street Culture, and Education (84:09–100:22)

• Adam observes LA’s transformation due to unregulated street vending, drawing comparisons to the “Turkish bazaar.”
• Big Rant: The decline of public education isn’t the teachers’ fault, but cultural and parental:

  “What's the difference? Parents. Parents that care. But can we talk about that? No. Why? It becomes a racial issue so the faggoty pussy politicians who are scared shitless…”
  (90:36)

• Laments that cultural factors and family involvement—not just teacher or union quality—are driving school performance.

9. Bill Maher’s Real Time, Media Conspiracies, and Alternative Medicine (105:58–125:06)

• Adam addresses being “blackballed” from appearing on Real Time, speculates on late-night booking politics.
• Riff on Bill Maher’s strengths and weaknesses as a comedic host.
• Explains why he dismisses most conspiracy theories:

  “If Bush was a guy who created hoaxes…don’t you think somebody would have dug a hole in the desert and planted some sarin gas and had somebody find it...?”
  (119:41)

• Challenges alternative medicine claims, especially “detoxing” and fraudulently curative enemas:

  “If you have a make-believe problem...80% of problems are depression. It all starts in your head and it ends up coming out your ass.”
  (114:53)

10. Miscellaneous: Gay Eye Movie Pitch & Loveline Post-Segment Clips (126:08–132:12)

• Revisits his “Gay Eye” pitch—a comedy where a straight guy’s eye transplant leaves him with “gay” vision, leading to uncontrollable prurient glances (“He starts wearing dark sunglasses at work because he can’t take staring at guy’s cock.”) (131:00)
• Listener requests the return of post-show highlight clips (“when we get our sound machines in...that will happen”).

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

Celebrity Racing Anecdote

“Keanu was up my ass for eight laps and I cut him off... I literally just looked in the mirror and cut his line off. Every single time he tried to pass, I blocked him.”
(05:00–06:55)

Movie Commentary Riff

“It’s like Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon. There’s no legalities involved in that.” — Giovanni
(14:12)

“All right, Giovanni, we'll do it. How's it going in Chicago?” — Adam
(15:23)

On “Lazy Naming” of Mythical Creatures

“Bigfoot and chupacabra… what is that thing with the big foot? I don’t know, what shall we call it? Bigfoot. All right, we’re done. Let’s eat.”
(54:03)

LA Street Culture to Tijuana Comparison

“We have an open border... what do they resort to? They resort to what they did where they came from, which is make a living on the street. And the living on the street means no taxes, no regulation, and garbage everywhere. And not only garbage everywhere, but human garbage everywhere. Los Angeles is littered…”
(84:14–85:41)

School Rant

“Nothing happened to the teachers. Look, let's all smokescreen... I’m Bill Belichick... but all of a sudden, you stop giving me talent...”
(93:53–98:15)

On Bill Maher’s Show Structure

“He stopped putting on the right wing people, and now it’s four people who all share the same opinion and it gets boring. You want to see people mix it up?”
(110:09)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Celebrity Racing w/ Keanu Reeves: 03:00–12:30
• Giovanni on Movie Commentary: 12:45–15:23
• Adam on Self-Perception, School, and Success: 23:30–32:00
• Boxing (Mayweather/Pacquiao) & National Identity: 33:26–43:18
• Listener Calls: Lazy Naming, Live Show Economics: 51:06–61:36
• LA Immigration & Education Rant: 84:09–100:22
• Bill Maher, Media Politics: 105:58–111:33
• Conspiracy Theories & Alternative Medicine: 114:24–125:41
• “Gay Eye” Movie Pitch: 126:08–131:25
• Return of Loveline End Clips: 132:00–132:45

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Tone & Style

Adam is unfiltered, high-energy, and confessional; riffing with Donnie “The Weez” brings grounded, personal chemistry and validates Carolla’s stories. Adam’s rants blend humor with exasperation, quick segues from the profane to insightful cultural criticism, peppered with self-awareness (“Sorry if I sound like a dick”). The episode encapsulates Adam’s hallmark blend of everyday relatability and full-throttle cultural curmudgeonry.

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Conclusion

This “Carolla Classics” episode spotlights the best of Adam’s unscripted banter, his gift for taking a listener question and launching deep into standup-worthy rants, and his ability to connect the mundane and the big picture with sharp, sometimes controversial, but always authentic humor. Listeners get thoughtful personal stories, behind-the-scenes podcast talk, hot-button societal takes, and plenty of Adam’s “get it on” attitude—an essential listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

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[Podcast Host]

Welcome to cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlighted highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one. If you'd like to find the ad free archives at the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcorolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Carolla show 282 featuring Adam Corolla and you another Adam and you show from 2010. We played one yesterday. I thought it'd be fun to do a theme and kind of do a bunch of these over the weekend. Hope you guys enjoy flashing back to 2010.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on, Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate get it on Ace man is back and boys my ass tired. Well, I'll tell you all about what I've been up to in just a second. I feel like it's been a while since I've been in the saddle. We'll take some of your phone calls and I'll give you a couple plugs. First, Dave Damaschek on the air. New show is on and up as we speak, so you can go to AdamCarolla.com and check it out or go to itunes and check it out. One of my favorite guys, Dave Damaschek joining us here. Not here today, but Joining the family, the Ace Broadcasting Network. All right, live shows March 31 will be at the Bray Improv. And then on the second will be the Thousand Oaks Borderline Music Club. And I'll tell you what, go to AdamCarolla.com and check out all our live dates, and we'll be there. And I'll not bore you with all those details right now. As far as the DVD shipping, I just signed about 2,000 covers, and we will be shipping a little bit later this week. So those of you kind enough to purchase one, you'll be getting it in the mail shortly. Also, not a plug, but something. I just wanted to talk about the Long Beach Grand Prix. So I just got back from the Mojave Desert. Well, actually, Lancaster, I don't even know where that is. It's about 80 miles away from where I live. And spent some quality time with the celebrities in the Celebrity Grand Prix out at Willow Springs. Now, for those of you who want to know how it works, I'll tell you how it works. I am one of the celebrities that's racing in the race. Adrien Brody, Academy Award winner from his role in Roman Polanski's the Penis. He was in King Kong, the Village Jacket. You've seen all those. You know Adrien Brody, right? He's the guy who kissed Halle Berry up on stage when he won his Oscar. Brian Austin Green. Brian Austin Green. By the way, Donny, I hope you're. Listen, the hottest girl in my grade school was named Lori Kovacs. And Brian Austin Green is her half brother, which I knew nothing of. But it turns out he grew up two blocks away from me with me wanting to hump his sister. You know, dry hump. It was a long time ago, but Brian Austin Green and I basically grew up in the same place he went to North Hollywood High and the whole nine yards. Of course, you remember Brian from Beverly Hills 90210, stuff like that. Christian Slater, nicest guy in the world. Also doing it, Keanu Reeves, who I spent quite a bit of time with on the track yesterday. Now, boy, you want to talk about a treat? And I'll tell you why I got into show business. I was in Willow. I was at Willow Springs Raceway yesterday in a Scion that was supercharged with a roll cage in it.

[Caller]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was a nice track up there. And me and Keanu did about 10 hot laps where he was behind me and he was attempting to pass me for at least eight of the 10 laps. And I mean up my ass. I mean, literally Bumping me inches away from my rear bumper. And this is a road course, this is not an oval. So it's, you're going uphill, you're going downhill, you're doing right hand turns and left hand turns and sweeping turns and hairpin turns and long straightaways, and you're going all the way through the gears and you're dropping it back down into the gears and you're, you know, smoke coming out of the tires and you know, tire screeching and whatever. And Keanu was up my ass for eight laps and I cut him off. He won the Toyota Grand Prix celebrity race last year, so he's no slouch, but I literally just looked in the mirror and cut his line off. Every single time he tried to pass, I blocked him. And then when I got home that night, after doing a whole bunch of laps, the next time I went out, I told Keanu, you go first and I'll see if I can pass you. And I did pass him, by the way. But then later on, at the end of the day, he got the best of me. But either way, I did that. So there I am at Willow Springs, just me and Keanu Reeves having a one on one mano mano Scott Scion E Scion race Sciony Scion, however you say it. Race in the desert all goddamn day. And then I go home, I get home, I eat dinner, I plop down, and then I turn on the TV and there's Point break is on. And I watch the entire pointe break beat off and go to bed. I mean, brush my teeth and go to bed. But it was so surreal to be out on this track battling with Keanu Reeves the entire day and then go home and watch Point Break before I went to bed that night. Nice guy, Keanu. And I will say this, I sort of misjudged a guy. I never interviewed him. I thought he was too cool for school. I didn't know the guy. I just. Our paths never cross and I just thought he was some sort of pretty boy who thought his poop didn't stink. And he's a nice guy, had a great time on the track, and he was only a little bit miffed when he got out of the car and explained that I'd been cutting him off for eight laps. And I said, but Keanu, it was fun, right? I mean, you had a lot of fun out there, right? And he said it was fun for two laps. And I thought, yeah, you're right, it was fun for two laps for you. But for me, it was a fucking rush for eight laps. He was just in my rear view mirror the entire time. And the way it works is there's 10 cars out on the track, but the track's so big you break off into little, little segments. Hey, Donnie, remind me, I took. You'd be proud of me. I took my cellular phone with the picture camera in there and I took a picture of the track and I think I got a picture of Keanu waving too. So maybe we'll toss that. But anyway, cool guy, lots of fun to race. Jesse McCartney is going to be there. He's a recording artist. Hits include Beautiful Soul and Leaving Young Kid, but drives pretty good. Patrick Warburton, you know him. He's the big dude from, let's see, Rules of Engagement. I guess you know him best from Real Nice Guy. Tony Hawk, skate dude. Of course. Zachary Levi from Chuck. He's a star. Chuck, he's there. Tika Sumter, I didn't know her. Just hot black chick and can drive too. So they're all going to be there. And then the pros are going to be Jimmy Vassar, Steve Millen, who's been on our car cast, by the way. Steve Millen, cheater. Jesus Christ. That guy's a maniac. It's funny. Steve Millen came in here on our car cast. Nicest, sweetest Australian guy in the world. He's like, hey, hi, Adam. He's like a 65 year old guy. Like he's super friendly and everything. You get him on the track, he'll throw your ass right in the dirt. Like he's such a cheater that he was driving around. Donnie, you got to listen to this. He was the. You know, there's a rule when you're out on the track that both windows, driver side and passenger side windows need to be all the way down because they don't need any glass out there on the track if something breaks. And also it's unfair aerodynamically to have them up. Steve Millen is driving. This is just. This ain't on. This ain't just practice. Just practice. Not at Long beach, not anywhere else.

[Donnie]

He's competitive.

[Adam Carolla]

He has his passenger side window up. And I was like, hey, Steve. And you know, I have my hyper vigilance. I noticed he had his pass and he's like, oh, I didn't know about that. I said, bullshit, you didn't know about it. You raised it up so you could go one mile an hour faster on the straightaway. Like aerodynamics is a huge deal. And when your windows are with two cars or with two cars, 18 cars that are perfect prepared exactly the same way. Imagine what just another one mile an hour on that straightaway would be. No, it's big time.

[Donnie]

But big time. Now he's old school because remember like the Trans Am days and stuff and even the, you know, smokey eunuchs. I mean, those guys, like part of the race was to cheat and not be caught.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, Tanner Faust, who's going to come on our car cash show.

[Donnie]

Oh, excellent.

[Adam Carolla]

A great driver. Donnie, who's just blowing the shit out off of everyone out there. Tanner I was talking to and I said, he's in the pro group with Steve Millen. And I said, you better keep an eye on that guy. And he said, I'm gonna keep an eye on him. And then he said to me, I bet for qualifying he takes his side mirrors and bends them in. And I said, you're right. I said, somebody's gotta keep an eye on that guy. Cause he's the sweetest dude in the world. And he's like, hi, Adam, how are you? But he said, his brother, and he works with his nephew too. Oh, shit. I'll think of the guy's name. But he said, they're all tricky Aussies and you better go. They come across real nice, but watch out when you get on the racetrack. And Tanner and Steve Millen were racing and it was like two of the fastest guys you've ever seen going balls out. And Steve was cutting across the course, like, I mean, not driving on 80ft of dirt, but clipping the corners like on an S. He was going straight and catching a lot of dirt and throwing a lot of shit up and just going balls.

[Donnie]

Were you on the big track or small track?

[Adam Carolla]

We're on the streets of Willow, the back track. But they opened the whole thing up and it was pretty crazy. Like Jimmy Vassar, who was a kart champion, we came down at the end of the straightaway, he just dipped inside. It was like three wide, like he was gonna. These guys are taking people out. We haven't even started yet. Uh huh.

[Donnie]

Did Danny give the speech about listening? Is this practice? Anybody banging the cars out?

[Adam Carolla]

No, haven't really. He did kind of tell people to, you know, start, you know, take it easy. You're out there, you're out there. Learn the track, learn to drive. But the pros are going nuts on each other and, well, it's like trying.

[Donnie]

To take a racehorse and tell him to, you know, not run.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, can't help it. So good times and the last three days, that's where I was for eight hours a day. And you have no idea how it takes it out of you. It's just that crazy. Belted in, helmet on. A crazy adrenaline rush of going at it and just looking in your mirror and seeing Keanu Reeves up your ass for 10 laps is. Well, I ain't gay, but it felt good. All right, should we try taking a phone call here, Weezer? Let's go for it. All right, let me hop to the phones and speak to our old friend Giovanni Superfan. Giovanni on the blower. Giovanni.

[Caller]

Hey, man, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Giovanni?

[Caller]

Hey, I just actually got finished doing some old Loveline tapes, but I had a question for you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's up?

[Caller]

Over the years, people have pitched you this idea, but nobody's done it right. And you kind of don't understand how it works, but basic cable commentary. I used to do basic cable classics with Bill Simmons on the radio show. His show, you know. But essentially what you do, take a feature film, mute it, put on the subtitles, and watch it all the way through and just talk the whole time. Bring in a guest, Release it for 299 to 599. All the fans would buy it, and fans are actually demanding it. There's, like, thousands of people who already want them. You know, do it with Dr. Drew for Papillon or the shiny Damoshek or Simmons or Cliffhanger.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all. It's all good. I don't think you could do it with Cliffhanger. I think you have to do it with, like, public domain.

[Caller]

No, man. It's completely legal. There's a whole company that does it. There's no legalities at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is. No legalities at all.

[Caller]

No rip tracks. Does it?

[Podcast Host]

They're the guy.

[Caller]

They're the former guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Not the original guys, but like the Latter Day Crew.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Caller]

But they record. They record these commentaries for every movie. Old movies, brand new movies in theaters. As long as you don't have the sound from the film in there, it's just nothing. It's just like, queuing up.

[Donnie]

I believe I told Adam about this. And then we're going to put. Sell these in the store. You're just going to, like. For each show, you'll pick, like, a Bill Simmons for one movie and somebody else.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know about the sound part.

[Donnie]

It's just an audio track CD that you line up at the beginning of the movie.

[Caller]

It's like wizard of Oz and Dark side of the Moon. There's no legalities involved in that. And also the studios actually really like it because on their website they tell you to go to Netflix or go buy the dvd. And people go do that. And all you do is they say, well, this title screen pops up. You hit play on the MP3 player or on your stereo. And people, you know, they watch with their buddies. Like, people want like extra Hammer commentaries. You know the first one, you could do like five new Hammer compters. Doing with Heather, doing with Hench, doing with Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie, let me. But let me ask you this Kentucky.

[Donnie]

Fried Movie or something.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you do. How do you do it when it's just an audio track? Donnie, didn't you just say audio track? It's gotta be.

[Caller]

So you just record you. You and the guys talking. You put the MP3 up and then the person either puts in their ipod and like leaves their earbuds in, or they just put it their home stair.

[Donnie]

You like line it up to the logo, like the movie logo.

[Adam Carolla]

You pause it as soon as the.

[Donnie]

Movie logo comes up, then you like trigger it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's like.

[Caller]

There's like five business models that do this already. There's no legalities. They're making cash hand over fist. And the fans have actually begged them to bring you in and do one. But other crews won't do that because they pre write all their stuff. It doesn't come off.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not.

[Caller]

It's not like off the cuff. Like you can too fast and it's too polished.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, Giovanni, we'll do it. How's it going in Chicago?

[Caller]

Shitty. But I got Loveline tapes, so I'm good. I got. I found the old John Stewart show from 97. It's a classic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? He was on Loveline.

[Caller]

There's one more thing I was going to ask.

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I love about Giovanni? Giovanni's lived in two places, Hawaii and Chicago. Two of the greatest towns, cities, islands on the planet. And he's miserable in both places. Imagine.

[Caller]

The city's not bad where I'm at.

There's.

It sucks. Like a cop tried to hit me while I was walking across the street in the slushy snow at 3am the other day because I wasn't walking fast enough. But there's slushy snow and there's literally no crosswalks where I live.

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I've tried to hit him. Yeah, see? See what they do to the brothers? Sorry, go ahead.

[Caller]

Seattle. By the way, that's the best one.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that?

[Caller]

Seattle's the best place to live.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Seattle is beautiful.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, but Seattle.

[Adam Carolla]

Seattle's like somebody took a pressure sprayer to Los Angeles and blew away all the graffiti, all the gum and all the Mexicans, and just left it with some sort of sparkling sidewalk. I'm not saying Mexicans are bad. I'm just saying it's like. It's weird. When you live in Los Angeles, you see a Mexican every eight feet. And when you go to Seattle, it's like, holy shit, what happened? Why is everyone white? And then the place just switches sparkles. Like, you could just sit on the sidewalk and eat your lunch, L.A.L. literally, you can't take a without in LA without some gang logo being imprinted into your ass. Like, literally, the toilet seats have been carved up. They. They will. They. They. First off, trucks, trees, rocks. They're going to start tagging, like, crows and seagulls soon, right? Like, literally everything is tagged. The fucking toilet seats are tagged.

[Caller]

Yeah, they are. I went to the Shakies by your studio last time I was out. The toilet seat had tags all over it.

[Podcast Host]

It was hilarious.

[Donnie]

How low?

[Adam Carolla]

But by the way, what is that saying about your gang when you're on a toilet seat? Why don't you tag a tampon? Anyway, love me some Seattle. Thank you.

[Caller]

Adam, you still own property up there?

[Adam Carolla]

What? Huh?

[Caller]

You still own your property up in Washington?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

[Caller]

Oh, it's good. The area you have is real nice, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Caller]

I was gonna tell you my second thing real quick. I'll get out and let you get there. Guys, when you were gone, you had some great guest bookings. I would have preferred repeats because some of the guests you got in there, they're like, classic guests. We've been dying to hear you with. Like, you had the two guys from UCB. We've been waiting 10 years since 2000 to hear you reunite with both those guys and hopefully the third guy. But, you know, I called in and talked to them. They said they'd arrange a booking, but I know sometimes it never works out. I was wondering if you could make a point to book, like, Aisha, Tyler, Chris, Titus. Like, all these guys were, you know, classic guests, but haven't done many podcasts like that one podcast, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. Aisha. And all those guys will book. Absolutely.

[Caller]

I mean, it seems like this has, you know, it seemed like they picked all these awesome. Like, Evi Roth was on. We've been waiting since 07 to hear you do a show with him. That guy called into your radio show just to tell you how great your movie was in 2008. He didn't have anything to promote.

[Podcast Host]

He's called.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't remember that, but yeah, Eli Ross, a nice guy.

[Donnie]

Well, look, we were actually talking about this, the group of us behind the scenes, and we were, you know, kind of talking about how the guests really weren't up to par lately in general. So we need to talk to Mike August.

[Caller]

I got like, five or six guests lined up.

[Adam Carolla]

And last time.

[Caller]

Well, the first time I was there, Adam told me just the book people. You know, I don't go through choppy or try to get hold of August or something, but these are like actual celebrities. Huge guests have rapport at them. They want to come on the show, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I went out and was hanging around with a bunch of pretty good celebrities yesterday, the day before, and all through the weekend. And so we are going to get your Christian Slaters and hopefully your Keanu Reeveses and people like that. The show.

[Caller]

Yeah, there's a guy. There's a guy that from Southland. He did a loveline back in 99. He really liked the kid. 10 years older. He's a huge fan. He comes out to your live shows. And Sean Atosi, he's an actor. He's been working, 15 years of him. He wants to come on the show, like, any day, anytime you always want to have it.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, there's an A lister. Shauna Tosi.

[Caller]

Well, he went south way. He's not an A list, but, you know, he's eradicated. Before, the last two Southland guys were two of the best guests you've had on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like those guys. So listen, hold on, Giovanni, are you suggesting that if I have to go shoot another pilot, and Lord knows I might, if I go shoot another pilot to run reruns of this show or.

[Caller]

To have guests or just have, like, one guest host fill in, like, you know, like. Like somebody who's easy to get, like Fitzsimmons, who can get on anytime or get, you know, get like maybe Damage Check or Bill Simmons to go together.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. You can't have one guy host for a week. Their schedule's not going to permit it.

[Caller]

I get that. I get that. But I mean, maybe just have them bang out, like, four shows in a.

[Adam Carolla]

Day, you know, I mean. Okay, all right.

[Caller]

But you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't like the variety. I don't. I'm not exactly getting what you're getting.

[Caller]

There's a lot of, like, unique bookings that, you know, literally, like, the UCB guys literally waited 10 years. It's like, well, you have him back on the show. Adam's not there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? So, you know, listen, anytime I'm not here, there's going to be an element of Adam's not here. Or this would have been better if Adam was here. Right.

[Caller]

But I mean, like, do that with guests that you have on, like, you know, every three months or something. Like, when it's like somebody who's been years. It killed the fans and they freaked out about it and everybody gets all dramatic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I didn't know who was here from Upright Citizens Brigade. It was.

[Caller]

It was Matt and Ian.

The other Matt wasn't there. I called in and his wife was there with them, and she said that she would try to help arrange a three person.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. All right. Thank you. Giovanni. Miserable in Chicago. Thanks, buddy. Good times. Super fan, Giovanni, everyone. Love that kid. I just love that Giovanni. Such a hard worker. And the thing I like about him is he knows much more about me than I know. Like Jon Stewart being on Loveline in 97. I don't remember that. Eli Roth calling into the radio show to tell me, like, my movie. I don't. I don't remember that. I don't remember anything. They have been showing the movie on hbo, though, which is kind of cool. And I have caught it a few times on hbo and they started changing things around because they used to go rated R and then they went rated R and they didn't really have anything. It said brief language on it. Now it says rated R for violence. By the way, my movie's rated R for violence. It's an amateur boxing movie. That's the only violence. It's absolutely insane for violence. Like what? So then you couldn't show the Summer Olympics, right? That's. That's violent. You can't show. Couldn't show boxing in the Olympics anymore. That'd be too violent. Or what you have to do, put on at the Safe harbor after Midnight or something. My movie says rated R for violence, language and adult situations.

[Donnie]

And. Was there any blood?

[Adam Carolla]

Nope. No. No blood. Somebody got a bloody nose. By the way, in our society, I have news for everyone and our society.

[Donnie]

Nobody got shot or stabbed.

[Adam Carolla]

Boxing with headgear is not violence. It's a sport. It's an amateur sport. No violence. I like the adult. I like the adult content or the adult situations. What adult situations? Did I. Did I get raped by the coach. I, I made out with a girl on a porch. Adult situations. Me, like when I talk to other adults. What adult? Here's the thing, just go. Rated R. We fucked up. Don't start making up shit. Violence, adult situations, language. It's not a fuck up.

[Donnie]

There's, there's some kind of hidden agenda. Somebody's being, it's like the mob.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I really, I don't, I, I think the Hinda hidden agenda is just stupidity now and our society. I had no idea that adults would be as fucking stupid as they are. I had no idea I was a stupid kid. Or at least I thought of myself as a stupid kid because look, the reason, you know, people do that thing where they go, oh come on, Adam, come on, you know you're smart guy, you know, you're always a bright guy. You must have known you're bright. No, absolutely not. Not one, not at all. And here's the reason why. It's very simple equation. I grew up in an environment where nobody thought I was smart. Nobody spoke to me, nobody laughed at my jokes, nobody said, write that down. Nobody said, I never heard a one. Hey man, did you just think of that? That's a good one. You should write that down. Never. Not from a coach, not from a school teacher, not from a counselor, God forbid, not from one of my parents or family members, not from one of my friends. Nowhere. Here's how I knew I was stupid. All I did and all you do is go to school. That's all you do. As a kid, there's two things I did. I played football, I played sports, I wrestled my friends, I played grab ass, I rode my bike around, I ran around, and then I went to school. School is the only yardstick to measure intelligence from zero to, to about 18. I mean, that's it as a matter of fact, and I'm not using hyperbole here. When you were in school, when there was a guy who was a shitty student, who's that guy? Ralph? Yeah, he's an idiot. Yeah, he's bad. He's done, he's done. Like you'd see you go, who do I want to sit next to in class so I can cheat off of? I'm going to sit next to Christine, she's smart. I don't want to sit next to Donnie. He's dumb. He's dumb. There was no other. Oh well, this guy has a great emotional iq. Or sure, he's not good with the pad and pencil, but his mind works in a very unique and interesting way. Or he's great with textures and colors or design, none of that shit. You're either smart or you're stupid. You're a bad student, you're a dumbo, you're a good student, you're smart. Now, as it turns out, there are plenty of people we knew later on in life when things sort of settled. Because when you're a kid, it's like someone just shakes a snow globe. Like, they take a snow globe and they put it in a paint can shaker. But then as you get older, things start to settle and you start to realize some of those people you knew who went to college, who graduated college, who maybe even went to a decent college, not so smart as adults. And some of the people who didn't do so well in school turns out pretty good head on their shoulders. But at the time, no fucking way. Donnie backed me up. All it was is, hey, man, you're in the ninth grade. That guy's a dodo. That girl's smart. That girl's stupid. That kid's smart. That was all there was.

[Donnie]

What about some of our friends when they started to graduate and they were freaked out about jumping into the workplace four to six years later after high school?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no one. Yeah. People didn't want to work, they didn't know what to do, they didn't want to go to college. They went to college, they graduated college, they didn't know, they didn't want to go back to work or even start to work. But my point is this. People say, oh, you knew. People look at me and they say, oh, you knew. You were onto something a long time ago. And Donnie, back me up. No way. There's no way. Yeah, there was no. Like, I never. I've never thinking of myself while I was sitting there failing biology or driver's education. I've never sitting there laughing, going, don't worry about it. I'm a smart guy.

[Donnie]

I would like to, you know, say that growing up, I did. Eventually, I did figure out that you were funny. When we were in high school and you're walking around with a megaphone at lunchtime trying to sell tickets to the school dance, I thought, who is this ass? But after high school, I kind of. I figured out a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny. It's come up before, but just, just, just for the record.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

When we were living together. No.

[Donnie]

People used to tell you to shut up quite often.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone ever say, write that down?

[Donnie]

No, never.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone ever go, did you think of that? No. Did anyone ever go, you should be a comedian.

[Donnie]

You're funny or you're going to be a comedian?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Any discussion about it? Did my family ever give you any.

[Donnie]

Well, people also would question, why is he going to improv class? He's not paying his car insurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Did my family ever give you or anyone else any indication that there was like, hey, this kid's got a little. He's a. Nope. Freewheeling, fast thinking kid.

[Donnie]

Not even my mom and dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a word from anybody ever? Yes.

[Donnie]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there anything that would lead me to believe that this is something that would work out or this is what I want? Yeah, I'm wondering about that now, when.

[Donnie]

You bring that up. Why did you keep pursuing this relentlessly?

[Adam Carolla]

Because I was so miserable swinging a hammer and I knew I had a sense of humor even if my family and no one around me ever let me in on it. I knew somehow, just instinctually, like when I listen to the radio, when I listen to morning radio, when I would swing my hammer and listen to Mark and Brian out here on KLOS in, you know, 1988, I knew even when I was driving a van filled with born again Christians to install closets in Hermosa Beach, I listened to that shit and went, I'm funnier than these guys are. I don't care if my dad never said it and my mom never said it and a school teacher never said it and a counselor never said it. I got a set of ears. I'm saying it. It's hard to feel. I mean, I wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't like. But, but it wasn't like I was pompous about it. It was just like. It's like if you were watching television.

[Donnie]

You spent decades though. And at a certain point, as I say, you know, man's got to know his limitations. I mean, you never, never gave up, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I never gave up because what was my alternative? Have my ultra rich dad die and leave me his, his business where he engraved pewter?

[Donnie]

Well, no, maybe you should be, you know, focusing on another career choice.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but, but here's the deal. Here's the deal.

[Donnie]

I mean, there are people out there that want to sing or act and they just, they spend their whole life and they're just a, they never were meant to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I had, you know, one and a half, you know, conversations with my dad, you know, in my life, just sort of about like, hey, man, what are you doing with yourself? I never really had any of those growing up, but as an adult, when I was like 28, 20, I was like 29. I was getting to the end of my. I was about to turn 30, really, I think, and I got sick, and I had no insurance, and I couldn't afford medication, and I couldn't do anything. And my dad said, like, hey, you should really have, like, $500 put aside or $1,000 put aside. Something put aside. You know, just. Just $800 put aside in case something like this happens.

[Donnie]

Like, where are you getting that $500?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I mean, I could have. I was making enough to put away $50 a month, and at the, you know, end of the year, I would have put away $600 bucks. And you know what I said to him? I said, dad, it ain't, you know, what? Not worth it. Like, either I'm going to make it doing something in showbiz or with comedy, or it. I, you know, what's the difference between poor and poorer? Or, you know, whatever. It's just. Fuck it, you know? I mean, I don't. I don't want to be like, I can avoid. I can afford a house, but it's in Palmdale and it's a piece of shit house. And you know what I mean? Like, I was just like, look, if I'm gonna be poor, I'll just stay here.

[Donnie]

$500 put away is poor still?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's still poor. But what I'm saying is, is I don't see the big difference. I don't see the huge difference between just living in the house I was renting with Ralph and Cortland and La Crescenta and driving my old Isuzu Trooper and teaching my boxing and swinging my hair. I didn't see a big life change between that and owning my own house in Palmdale. That was an equal piece of shit. You know what I mean? Either way, it's still just a bunch of hard work and you're poor. That's the way I saw. I just had the. The alternative is shit. I mean, I knew my alternative was fucked up, so I was just like, look, I'm just going. I'm just going for this. But the point is this. I thought I was stupid. I was pretty sure I was stupid my. My entire life. And I just thought adults outside of my family were smart. I just thought guys who put on ties and got into Oldsmobiles, School teacher and school. I thought school teachers were smart. I thought, like, when you went to the. You know, like when you go to the bank and you'd have a check and you needed two forms of id. But you only had one. And then the guy said the teller would say, like, let me speak to Mr. Jenkins. I thought Mr. Jenkins was a genius. When they went back into that back room and he saw that guy back there with the tie and the blazer, and he was talking and kind of shaking his head, maybe pulled out his reading glasses like, that guy's gotta be smart, right? Yeah. I thought people were gonna be two things when I got older. I thought they were gonna be smart and I thought, they're gonna be good at their jobs. I had no idea how dumb most people are, most adults are, and how fucking horrible most people are at their jobs. Every adult is dumb, just about most everyone. And how pretty shitty most people are at their line at chosen field of work.

[Donnie]

Supposed experts.

[Adam Carolla]

Supposed experts. Yeah, I had no idea about that either, but where the hell. I can't remember why I started complaining. All right, should we hop back to the phones? Aaron, what's happening, my brother?

[Caller]

Yeah, question for you. This Pacquiao thing, it's, it's driving me crazy, you know, with Mayweather and whatnot.

Where are we going to see these two guys fight?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I think, you know, Floyd Mayweather Jr. Is a rich guy and he's a smart guy and I think he's building it up. I mean, you know, we're in a very, we need it now, we need it tomorrow kind of instant gratification sort of society, but the reality is, is foreplay does make the sex much better and, you know, letting Pacquiao sort of pad his record, and I don't mean pad his record, but get more wins. The idea that Floyd Mayweather is undefeated, I mean, they could have had this fight two years ago and we would have forgotten about it. You know, it's going to be the biggest fight, it'll be the biggest fight of the decade. If, and I'm sure when it happens, you know, probably sometime over the summer.

[Caller]

I know, but I mean, paying $50 just to hear Jim Lampley say bang, bang, bang, you know, I mean, it's one of these things that, you know, watching that fight, it's just when you just, you know, he just thirsts for me, whether, like, you know, I understand all this, like drug probing and Olympic style testing, but, you know, somebody's going to man up and say, you know what, let's get this fight going.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is, it is one of these things for people that don't know how it works. Well, there's a great, yeah. That Lampley was sitting there with the Pacquiao fight. And he was like. And there's Pacquiao, center of the ring, doing what he does best. Bang. Right hook, bang, left to the body. Bang, bang, bang. It's like I started to get a boner, but then I felt bad. It was weird. It's like Lampley kind of lost it a little bit with his bang, bang, bang. He was getting way too fired up.

[Caller]

I know. I mean, that was the highlight of the whole fight. I mean, that's. Nobody's talking about karate hanging in every. Talking about Dick Lampley banging, you know? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So the deal with. And they kind of glossed over it in the 24 7. But the deal with the Manny Pacquiao thing, and it's a cultural thing, we don't realize how sort of quietly racist we all are. Because Pacquiao doesn't believe. He says he doesn't give blood the month of a fight or a week before the fight, because somehow it's going to weaken him and what have you. And I got to tell you, if that was a white fighter and probably even a black fighter, if in the black fighter was from Atlanta or somewhere like that, someone would go, what the fuck are you talking about? Give you a drop of blood. It's not going to make a difference, you know? But because he's from the Philippines and because he's, you know, praying to chicken bones and stuff like that, everyone's kind of like, well, you got to respect him for his belief system. No, you don't. He's a fucking idiot. Of course. Give your stupid look if you're not juicing. It's like, who doesn't take a lie detector test? Who's not lying? You know what I mean? Hey, I accused you of killing your wife. I didn't kill my wife. Good. Take a lie detector test. No, thank you. Submit a DNA sample. No. Let me talk to my lawyer. Really? If you didn't kill your wife. Aren't you in a hurry? I. You'd have to. You'd hook me up to the lie detector, shoot me up with sodium pental, and you would. Swabbing the inside of my cheek as we were doing it. Because if I didn't actually do it, I would want you to know I didn't actually do it. So if he's not actually juicing, and maybe he's not actually juicing, then give them the fucking thimble of blood that they need to test so they can clear you for this fight. His whole thing is he just doesn't want to do it the Month of. What's his story?

[Caller]

I know. I mean, I read that he said the whole day before thing, which I could see that a little bit. But, I mean, he's gotta. He's gotta do this. And I get Mayweather, you know, he. He won't agree to it.

He.

I know. And it's funny, because seeing somebody advocate like, you know, like, he's all about us testing and whatever organization you saw or whatever they call it, you would think this guy is like a pioneer for the US Drug testing thing. I mean, I get what he's saying, but he's got to. You know, it's one of those things that me halfway. I mean, we got to get this fight. I mean, that. I mean, at the Klitschko. I mean, the highlight of boxing the last week was Klitschko fighting some guy, and in the mountains of Germany, who knows where, and obviously Klitschko dominated. It's like boxing has become such a sport now that, I mean, you're excited when Klitschko fights.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the only fight that's. This fight literally, you know, if these two cats don't get together. And by the way, not only get together, but get together for a trilogy, you know what I mean? Like, Mayweather wins a close one, you know, in August, and they get together again in December for another one, and they do a rubber match, like, you know, Bow and Holyfield and, you know, Frasier and Ali and all the rest of the great trilogies. Point is, they need to get together. They're not getting any younger. And somebody has to tell Pacquiao, has to tell Pac man that just a hummingbird's beak worth of your blood the day before the fight doesn't make a difference. I guess he did it once and felt like he didn't fight well, but it's. Again, it's more just. If this was a white guy, if this was Dwayne Bob, someone would say, shut the fuck up, you idiot, and give him the fucking blood. What are you talking about? There's zero science to support what you're doing. And by the way, the last guy you fought before Claudia drank his own whiz. You're right. Yeah, you're right. That didn't help. Guy literally drank his own pee.

[Caller]

I know. Another thing, too, is that I didn't realize this when Mayweather signed up for that Mosley fight, but there's a rematch clause in there, so we might not even see a. If Mayweather loses this fight, which, you know, who knows? He's going to have to go. He has a rematch clause that could be activated right after the match and fight six months later. So we might not even see this fight until 2012, if at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And who knows, you know, I don't know. I don't actually know if anyone knows how old Pacquiao is or Mayweather. I know how old his dad is. Boy. God. Or his uncle or just crazy family. All right, thanks.

[Caller]

Political alliances here now, too. He's running for Congress. I'm like, this guy needs to fight Meweather and not worry about running for.

Congress in the Philippines.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, Pacquiao. And I don't know. Listen, here's. Here's how you know your country doesn't have a lot going for it when everything is about Manny Pacquiao. Like, could you imagine? Could you. Could you imagine. Just imagine this. What if Ray Boom Boom Mancini went to the Philippines to fight and then all that was all the United States was about. Oh, man, did you see Boom Boom man. Seen that? The town. The United States would close down when he would fight, and then we'd come back here, he'd run for president and everything would be. It'd be. It'd be Ray Boom Boom Mancini mania. Can you get a fucking life as a. As a country? Right?

[Caller]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

All you fucking got is this illiterate guy who won't give up blood who happens to smash other guys in the head better than other people. That's all you have is the Philippines. You know, everyone does that thing all the time where they're like, oh, they are so proud of their native son. They. They think the world of him. When he comes home, he comes home to a hero's parade. He's going to run for Congress in the Philippines and win handily. Really? You want some guy with brain damage running your country Once you get your shit together, they got this. And sex tours. That's all they have over there. Get your shit together, Philippines. Jesus Christ. I mean, again, it's. It's fine to be proud of your countrymen, but that's it. That's all you got.

[Caller]

That's all they got.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Caller]

Thanks, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Aaron. Jesus Christ. It really pisses me off when I'm trying to put him on hold. It pisses me off when other countries just do that whole thing. There's one guy, he's five foot six, he's 147 pounds, and he's good at punching other guys in the head. And you're gonna build your entire. You're gonna build Your entire country around this guy. Then what happens when he loses? What happens when Floyd Mayweather beats him? Then. Then what? The whole country goes into depression. Jesus. You know, you got nothing going.

[Donnie]

They talk about it in the barber shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we got nothing when it was around. That's the beauty of this country. We got way too much shit going on in this country. There's so many different things going on that you couldn't possibly just build your entire existence around. LeBron James or Tiger woods or whoever. You can go like, all right, that guy's cool, He's a good golfer. And then you move on. Hey, Academy Awards is on. Let's watch that. But it doesn't star LeBron James. It's like the Philippines. That's it. That's all they got, I guess.

[Donnie]

Well, I guess you hang on to it then. I mean, we get bored.

[Adam Carolla]

I say let it go and get your get start. Get a life. Don't live vicariously through some dude who doesn't live that.

[Donnie]

Yeah, but what if it takes a whole nother generation for something exciting for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they do those sex tours over there?

[Donnie]

The Philippines? I don't think they had sex tours, but I think the baby bike sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Tour bike sex tour bike through there isn't Philippines. Don't they have the sex tours there?

[Donnie]

No, you're thinking of Thailand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, same difference.

[Donnie]

The Navy. When we had a huge base there, there was a lot of craziness going on. When the guys were on shore leave, it was like $20 for the weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see if they can do a sex tour over there in the Philippines too. Would you book that for me? Go to Priceline or whatever commercial Shatner does. See if we can get going over there. Let's see. Hey, Ace man nozzle Tov Byron, what's happening?

[Caller]

Oh, man, dude, love you. Love the podcast. Hope your show and everything goes well done.

All right.

One of my favorite things you ever said on your old radio show was whenever you did the impression of Nate and teams doing the Bitches ain't shit rap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Caller]

But it was censored for terrestrial radio. I'm begging you, can you please do the uncensored version?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, I shall. Nate was my Catholic little brother when I was a Catholic big brother. Not that I'm Catholic, but they don't have atheist big brothers or agnostic big brother. So I was just a Catholic big brother. Nate was a very spindly, very fair haired, very light eyed, light skinned white dude. And team was a Russian kid who was like one of Those dark Russian guys, big as a house look. It was sort of the Russian Biggie Smalls. And it's like, hey, team, how you rolling mansions and bands. That was his thing. And it was crazy. It's like. It's. It was like out of a sitcom where he just learned to speak English through listening to rap albums. And he had the greatest accent. And the fact that he was, you know, 12 and 300 pounds made it that much better. But he'd be like. Well, the first thing, of course, was his name. His name was Tim. But it's like, hey, what's your friend's name there, Nate? Team. Team. No, not team. Team. You just say the same word twice. I'd say team. Like, you mean like a basketball team? No, no, not team. Team. Like a softball team? No, not team. Team. Team. Is he saying Tim? Yeah, his name's Tim. Oh, Tim. Yes, that's what I say. Say it is team. Okay, Team. Oh, Tim. Okay, Tim. And he'd just be. We'd just be cruising to the beach, and he'd be in the backseat, and he'd give me his mix cassette. He'd make cassettes, but he'd also. He'd also have some ideas and some philosophies. Like, he'd be like, hey, Esmen, we should go to beach and cruise some beaches down there, because there's all kinds of hot beaches. And they're wearing their bikinis, and I can. They have their thong backs with their assholes hanging out. It is so hot. And it was like, oh, Jesus Christ. And again, this kid, when he got in his swim trunks, it was like seagulls would shit on him. Like they thought he was just a rock lying there on the sand. And so he'd be like. So he'd go, hey, I have made myself a new mix cassette. It is so raw, it is so badass. You have to pop it in your cassette. And so I'd be driving my Isuzu Trooper, and so I'd pop it in, and he'd be singing and his two raps. And I know I've screwed them up. They're not exactly how House of Pain did them or whoever did them, but he would still do them. As I remember it, he would always go, beaches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. Suck on these balls and lick on this dick. There's one. And his other good one was, I got Bach Hahn, like John McEnroe. That beach steps up, I'm smocking the hoe. I would be laughing my ass off while I was driving my Isuzu Trooper. And he was deadly serious, like, he was not fucking around. And as I've said before, I drove those two to Magic Mountain. One of the signs you're getting old. And this is, you know, over 10 years ago, but one of the signs you're getting old is when you take the kids to Magic Mountain and it's like, hey, we're going to ride Batman's revenge again. Like, yeah, you kids go ahead. I'm gonna sit here on the bench. And I just would sit there on the bench. While it was two for ride day, you'd go there and you could ride everything two times. So they'd be riding like the corkscrew two times and all that. And when we're on our way to Magic Mountains, pretty good haul, Valencia, by the way, with that four banger and that, that Isuzu. The Isuzu Trooper I had had like a 1.8, like, underhead cam, single carb, you know, 129 horsepower, four cylinder in it. And it was a truck. I was a big box, a big, like, un aerodynamic box. And I had that fat ass in the car with me. And we're going up the five and it's like, you know, people honking and passing. You're in the slow line vehicles ever made that? Yeah. Well, is. The Isuzu Trooper definitely was one of the biggest things with one of the smallest engines. Like, even VW buses probably did better than those things. This thing was a big, heavy, like, kind of truck with big knobby tires on it and the suspension, the whole nine yards and a little four banger in it, you know, in third gear, trying to get up the hill. And he's in there. And Nate was like complaining about not getting laid, you know. Oh, you know, high school is tough. We don't get any pussy at all. You know, they were. I said, I tried to make them feel better. I was like, ah, listen, you're heading into the 11th grade now. So you guys, you know, you're going to get the 9th graders and the 10th graders. 11th grader this year, man. You guys are going to be king of the school, man. You have your pick of the litter. And he just paused. He wasn't buying any of my bullshit. And he goes, let's face it, Nate is too skinny and I'm too fat. It's like, well, that's true. That is true. I just hung my head.

[Donnie]

I wonder what Tim and Nate are doing right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. What do you think Tim's doing. Oh, dead in jail or running, like, a huge cosmetics factory or something. I. I don't know. Maybe he got deported. I bet he was, like, bootlegging DVDs and selling them out of China or something. His family seemed to have a little mafia blood in them somehow. A little. That Russian stuff going on. And then later on, I started finding out that he was kind of getting into trouble and smoking pot. And Nate's mom didn't want him going out with us because he was horning in. See, I essentially became team's big brother, too, because every time I picked up Nate, I would just pick up Nate and Tim because they're best friends, and it was fine with me because I would just sit on the beach and read a magazine while those two went out and played around or, you know, sit on the bench while those guys rode the corkscrew. So it didn't make a difference to me, But I feel like Nate's mom didn't like the idea that she signed her kid up for the Catholic big brother and got the Russian fat brother in on the mix. Hey, thanks, Byron.

[Caller]

All right, thank you. Well done, Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times. Suck on these balls and lick on this dick. All right, let's see. Let's talk to line one here. Hey, Carl.

[Caller]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, what's going on, Carl?

[Caller]

First off, I was at your first live show, and I'm the one that.

[Adam Carolla]

Delivered you the shrimp container. Oh, thank you. Yeah, good old. Yeah, made some. It's still in the trunk of my car. But thank you. Appreciate it.

[Caller]

You're welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Carl, so what was that? Is that at Irvine?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming back to Irvine for, like, the whole weekend, like the 15th, 16th, 17th or whatever.

[Caller]

So, yeah, I'm looking into it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, check it out. What's.

[Caller]

Actually, I'm gonna be out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm not gonna be there. Well, I'll just come to wherever you are and do it for you.

[Caller]

I'm gonna be in the Bahamas. Oh, no. I'm gonna be in the Caribbean.

[Adam Carolla]

The Caribbean. I'll come out there. I'll come out there and do some. What can. What can I complain about for you?

[Caller]

Real good. Real good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll be like, oh, let me see. Dark rum. Huh? Dark rum. Geez, I'm stumped. I'm just going to go back to the room, watch you have sex with your wife. What's happening, Carl?

[Caller]

I heard something this weekend that I thought of you and your chupacabra lazy naming jag. Yeah, where it's literally goat sucker.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. That's what it translates into. That was that mythical flying Mexican gargoyle that flew around. There was really. It was probably more of a Southern California thing. But, I mean, there was a time, I was about 10, 15 years ago, when they were talking about the chupacabra, and they were deadly serious about it. Like, you would have asked. You know, three out of every four Mexicans was like, oh, yeah, absolutely. Chupacabra. That's their bigfoot. You know what I mean? That's their Loch Ness monster. Actually, we. Loch Ness monster is even ours. We have a big. We have a yeti, and they have a chupacabra. But, yeah, again, well, I don't know. Bigfoot's a pretty lazy name, too, for an animal with a big foot. Bigfoot and chupacabra. Yeah. And it would. It would fly down. It was like a bat would land on goats and soak their blood. It would drink their blood. So it was called the chupacabra, and it just meant blood sucker or goat sucker.

[Caller]

So an addendum to that. An addendum to that is the country that uses lime on every drink. And every food has no word for lime.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Caller]

It's literally green lemon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? In Mexico? Well, maybe they just got drunk and didn't get around to lime. By the way, once you got lemon, you don't really need lime. I'm not a big fan of putting the lime in the beer. I know it's not bad. It's not bad, but take the Sam Adams or the Heineken or maybe the Sierra Nevada or something like that. But, yeah, you know, it's true. I've been making fun of goat sucker, but bigfoot isn't any better.

[Caller]

Yeah, now that you mentioned it, you're correct.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that thing with the bigfoot? I don't know. What shall we call it? Bigfoot. All right, we're done. Let's eat. Yeah, that is pretty lazy. At least it has another name. It's a yeti, and it's a sasquatch, too.

[Caller]

Sasquatch.

[Adam Carolla]

Although I bet you if we translated Sasquatch, it'd be American Indian for huge foot. I don't know. Someone's got to look into that. And how come no one ever does the. No one really does the Native American translation. They just have their own stuff. No one ever goes, you know what that means? Like, what is Susquehanna? I mean, it must mean something, right? I mean, it means bigfoot, right? I mean, our bigfoot is Bigfoot. What's their Sasquatch? I gotta look into that. And then how come the Loch Ness monster only has one name?

[Caller]

Monster?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Loch Ness monster. I mean, that's not very. That's not very creative either, because where's.

[Caller]

In the lock of nuts?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's a monster. Yeah, you're right. You know what? All these names kind of suck. I'm gonna donna you find out what Sasquatch means, but I'm gonna be prepared to be disappointed. Thanks, Carl.

[Caller]

Can I be bold to have one Adam complaint about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Caller]

I've been wanting this for years because I find it delightful in the public restrooms. The pre foamed hand soap.

[Adam Carolla]

The pre. Foamy hand soap.

[Caller]

I find it lovely.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels a little cheap to me. It doesn't feel concentrated. I like that soap feeling. Third, it is. You cannot beat off with it. And fourth, it kind of feels like. It feels like somebody. I don't know. It feels like styrofoam packing or popcorn or something. I mean, it feels. It's too light. It's too cheap. It doesn't. It doesn't feel like anything. I. And it also. And I know this is just me, but it feels sort of, you know, when you spit. But you don't have any spit in your mouth. We just do that. Like that move. It feels like a yeti did that into my hand. That's what I would say about the foamy pre. Pre show. But thank you, Carl. Take care. Donnie's looking up the yeti. No, wait a minute. No, he's looking up the Sasquatch. All right, let me try Jordan over here. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Adam. How's it going? What's going on, Jordan?

[Caller]

Oh, I just had a couple questions for you. First of all, I'm one of your biggest fans, though. I listen to you for literally 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Hours a day, usually at work. Wow. Thank you, Jordan. Yeah.

[Caller]

To the point where I started thinking in your voice.

[Adam Carolla]

That's sweet of you. Yeah.

[Caller]

Well, anyway, I was just curious how much you guys are actually making per.

[Adam Carolla]

Live show that you're doing. When we go out and go to a club and do a live show. Yeah. Here's how the breakdown works. They give you 80% of the door. And the reason I will freely speak about this is because no one told me not to. And I try to be truthful as much as I can. So they give you 80% of the door, the tickets. Like, if you're doing, you know, the Irvine Improv or something like that, the tickets are like 25 bucks a pop. And then if you. The place holds about 300 people, and if you can fill the place times two, which is difficult, but we can do it. We usually sell out the first show and maybe sell 250, 280 tickets to the second show. You get out of there with a check. They'll give you a check for about 10 grand or so, which, yeah, it's fine. It is one of these things where by the time everyone gets paid out, give Mike August 10% for booking the thing, give some money to the people who performed along with you, literally tip your waitress and get the tax man involved. You know, you walk out of there with, you know, I can't complain. You know, definitely a few grand for standing there and telling fart jokes, but you ain't getting rich off sounds a little better than it is. But by the time the dust settles on the thing, you've, you know, made five grand, something like that. Not a bad evening. And again, you know, I can't complain because, you know, I used to get 80 bucks a day to swing a hammer. But you don't get rich off of that kind of stuff. You make the money when you go out and do the theaters and you put, you know, 1200 people in the place and you sell the tickets for 65 bucks a pop. That's when you start making some money.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Like, what's Conan's doing right now? He's doing his live tour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, doing that kind of stuff. I was talking to Joel McHale the other day. He's doing a lot of live shows. They have. They'll give you guarantees, you know, that kind of stuff where you're making 30 grand, 40 grand, 50 grand a night, as opposed to, you know, 7 grand, 10 grand, something like that. But again, it's. It's worked out for us because I'm having fun doing it, and everyone seems to be digging it, and it's enough to definitely sort of, you know, keep the lights on here at the. At the warehouse and keep food in everyone's mouth. And it's been a nice little. It's something I never thought about doing, but it's been something that has kept us afloat here for this beginning of this year. And, yeah, we're glad to do more of it. Do you have any other questions?

[Caller]

Yeah, this is one I didn't have on the screen, but actually, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Forgot what I was going to ask.

[Caller]

So I'll ask the one I had on the screen. What happened to moving to the new warehouse and getting Like Bald Brian with.

[Adam Carolla]

His sound effects and stuff like that. It's all in the works. Donnie and I just met over there this morning, actually, to walk through it. We're dealing with the contractor and people like that and all that. What happened is I had this TV pilot that I had to pretty much focus on and also have a book that's kind of overdue. I'm supposed to hand. The man was supposed to hand the manuscript in about a week ago. I'm selling a house of mine and I've been working on that, trying to kind of spruce it up and get that in shape. And I've had a whole, you know, I went out of. To New York to do the marriage rap last week and said, shit, just this, you know, Grand Prix of Long beach, you know. So all this shit just keeps popping up and each thing that pops up ends up pulling me somewhere in some different direction. And it's just basically pushed this whole thing back probably about two months, but we're definitely gearing up for it. We definitely got talent lined up and we're over there this morning. So we're going to make the move and it's going to happen. And we're just so happy that you're sticking with us. Jordan, about.

[Caller]

About your pilot and having time to do things if it gets picked up. There's no way you're going to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Time to do this every day, is there? Well, we have it. We have a contingency plan and we're going to. We'll have to do this if this thing gets picked up, and that's a pretty big if. If this thing gets picked up, we are going to have to figure out a way to do a. To do a couple things. We'll have to do a, you know, gang tape on Saturday, you know, line up three guests and do three shows on a Saturday or two shows on a Saturday. And then B, the good news is, is we're mobile and we do have time, like during lunch. There's a lot of downtime. There's a lot of, like, setting up. When they set up the lights and they turn everything around, meaning they'll do that thing where they film one person over one person's shoulder and then they'll go, turn it around. And when they turn it around, they have to take the whole video village, all the folding chairs and all the video equipment and all the lights and all the cameras and everything, and just turn it all, bring it all around. And they just tell you, we'll see you in a half an Hour. You know, we got to turn around and, you know, you just go to your trailer and beat. I mean, take a nap and, you know, Donnie and I will have to lay down, lay down 20 minutes worth of podcasts then. And then I'll go back to work and come back and do it again there. It will continue, I can promise you that.

[Caller]

Sounds good, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Caller]

Thanks a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Oh, let's see.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Bigfoot, by the way, is. Well, Saskatchewan is named after Sasquatch. Really? Jesus Christ, that.

[Donnie]

Maybe some of the first sightings came from Canada.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but we still don't know what Sasquatch means, do we? No.

[Donnie]

I guess I should look up Saskatchewatch. It's got to be some Indian name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is. I don't think Indians. You know, I really get the feeling, like, when you go to Indians, like, where you go. What does that mean in your Indian? They're like, well, fuck you. It just means Sasquatch with lots of hair. With lots of hair. All right, let's try to take one more call. Let's see. Let's talk to Bill. Bill. Mm. Mm. Pot up, Bill, would you? Hey, Bill. Yeah, what's going on?

[Caller]

Appreciate you taking the call.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Bill.

[Caller]

Wondering if you're going to get any plans to come out to Colorado for any of those live shows I keep listening to through the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We hope to come to a lot of places. I think we're going to start off going to, like, San Francisco and Portland and Seattle and some places like that. It's just kind of about demand, and it's about time. And, you know, I haven't had a bunch of time lately, but, yeah, we're definitely gonna get our shit together and go out on the road and hit a few cities and do all that, and hopefully Colorado be one of them. Where are you in Colorado?

[Caller]

I'm just south of Denver, and we had a couple of good comedy clubs. And I've been pimping you pretty hard. I got a couple dozen people anyway, that are listening to the podcast now.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Bill. Appreciate it. The last time I was out there was with Dr. Drew doing university of Colorado at Boulder, and I couldn't believe how far the airport was from the city and how much of nothing was in between the city and the airport. But I'm guessing they filled in a lot of that by now, right?

[Caller]

They filled in a lot of it. But, I mean, it's from downtown. It's still a $40 cab ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Little ridiculous, but, yeah, we'd love to.

[Podcast Host]

Have you out here?

[Caller]

I'm going to be taking a trip. I'm just starting to plan it right now to Europe and I haven't done much travel, especially overseas and I, I don't know, I wanted to see if you had any advice for a first timer. Sounds like you and Donnie had a big time years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we've had a couple good times over there. Here's what I would say. You're going to Europe, right? Yep. I, I loved France and I know people make fun of France, like, and I know you think, oh, hey, the man show guys should be making fun of the French and all that kind of of stuff. I found Paris to be a spectacular, beautiful city. I mean, architecturally great looking city, tons of really cool things to do. And did not get any attitude from any of the locals over there either, much to my surprise. So I would recommend Paris. As a matter of fact, at the time we went, Paris was cheaper than England. So England is great too. To me, if I had a week, I'd do two days or three days in England and you know, four or five days in Paris. I just think it's a, I just think it's a cooler, cooler town. We did, you know, of course you got the Louvre and all that kind of stuff. You go to Paris, go to the catacombs. That's kind of cool. You walk down, you go, you go live literally under the city and see these skulls piled high. It's almost as cool as Pirates of the Caribbean.

[Donnie]

It's cooler because it's real.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's real. That's right. I can't keep forgetting it's real.

[Donnie]

What did you say about France or Paris? That this is what happens, I guess, when you just throw your hands up in the air when the Germans invade or something. Well, because England's all brand new.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. Because like all the people that fought Germany got burned to the ground. They were like, they're like a Faberge egg. And Hitler's like a crazy retarded 5 year old with a hammer. And they were like, no, no, no, no, no, listen, I will give you the egg. I don't want to fight you. I don't want to break the egg. Take the egg. Put that, put the hammer down. Thank you. Now Chucky, take the egg and we're cool. And then they figured, you know, later on the Americans will get the eggs, but it'll be one piece. Whereas Britain was like, you're not taking our fucking egg. And then Germans, Germans start firebombing the egg. So now, whereas, you know, they got Big Ben over there and you know a lot of cool things, Buckingham palace and all that kind of stuff.

[Donnie]

How come Big Ben, like that's got to be the biggest target in London.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they're not going after clocks, they're going after ball bearing factories.

[Donnie]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Jack off point is this. I would do, I would definitely do the war museum in England. The Imperial War Museum. Imperial War Museum is really bitching over there. The Harrods, the department store is kind of fun just because you can buy beer.

[Donnie]

What about the London Tower, where he saw all the royal jewels?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, London Tower was pretty cool.

[Donnie]

I mean, it's the size of an ice cream. A scoop of ice cream.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean everyone, everyone will do that, try to talk you out of the common shit. But why not? If it's your first time, just do, you know, go see all the big stuff. I mean, it's like you go to Paris, you go to the Eiffel Tower. It doesn't disappoint. I will tell you this, the Eiffel Tower is scary. People don't tell you that because they don't want you to think they're pussy. But I'm man enough to tell you I'm a pussy. The first time I went to the top of the Eiffel Tower is fucking scary. It's weird. It's like you're out, you're out in the open and you don't trust a 200 year old elevator. So, you know, I would, here's, here's what I would do. I would, I would, I would hit Paris. I would spend more time in Paris. I would take one of those boat rides that takes you around the. Round the city. I'd get myself. Donnie and I went over there. We sat next to. What cathedral were we next?

[Donnie]

Next to where we had that liter of beer.

[Adam Carolla]

We had like a liter 10 in the morning. It was like 10 in the morning. We had like a half gallon of beer. We just sat in a sidewalk, drank a half gallon of beer, staring. It wasn't St. Patrick's what, what the. I mean. Oh, Notre Dame. Yeah, sorry. It was the Notre Dame Cathedral. It's that. Just go. Notre Dame is just. It's absolutely amazing, the architecture and all that. So, you know, focus on Paris. The Channel's a little bit long, but it's a cool ride. You see a lot of English countryside and that kind of stuff and there you have it.

[Caller]

Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

We going to see.

[Caller]

You making any movies or get one of those Pilots that we keep hearing about on any network tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did a pilot for NBC, so maybe that'll be on in the fall. And you have that to look forward to. Absolutely.

[Caller]

And then I will get off here. I appreciate you taking the call, but I got. What can't Adam complain about? I don't think anyone on the planet could complain about Northern Iowa knocking off Kansas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, talk a little NCAA ball. Well, I can, because I spoke at Northern Iowa. I went to Northern Iowa, and I went to DeKalb, and I had a casserole over there. It was like going back to a time machine. Me and Drew went over there. I had had a casserole since I was 9, and they gave us a casserole. And it's a couple, I guess. What is Northern Iowa? Is that a couple hours? How far away from Chicago is that? You know?

[Caller]

Well, it's closer to the Twin Cities, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is it? I gotta check the map. I thought we landed in Chicago somehow and drove there. You can drive there, right? I'm so shitty on geography. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's what we did. Either way, we went to the University of Northern Iowa. And while their basketball team may be stellar, the people over there not and chicks, as Dr. Drew would say, because after all, he's a man of passion. You know what I mean? And you go play Arizona State, and you see, well, Dr. Drew would look out and he would. He would survey the audience, and then he'd lean over to me backstage and go, a lot of talent out there. A lot of talent. That was a scout. That was his code word for hot poontang. A lot of talent. And then you go out to Northern Iowa. Not a whole lot of talent out there in that auditorium. Dr. Drew was the only talent in that auditorium. So that's how I can complain about Northern Iowa. Hey, Bill. Thanks, buddy. And have fun in Europe.

[Caller]

Nice talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times, my brother. All right, I think that's about enough show again. We got a lot of live dates coming up, and if you want to check out some of those live dates, just go to AdamCarolla.com and see when we'll be in a city near you. Also, Dave Danishek show currently up as we speak. Also, you can look forward to me getting some of the good folks from the Toyota Grand Prix in on this show in the next upcoming weeks or so. And that should be a good time. I want to thank the Wiis. For what?

[Donnie]

We also let people know that the Toyota Grand Prix, we're probably gonna do some car casts out of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'll be down there and we will put a camera in the car.

[Donnie]

Well, quite possibly we're gonna be streaming live at the Grand Prix. And then for Carcast, we'll try to stick a camera in the car to boot.

[Adam Carolla]

Got all that, all that going. And I'll get my iPhone out and see if we can put up a couple of those pictures, too. Weezers. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla from my good buddy the Weeze saying mahalo.

[Podcast Host]

That was Adam Corolla, show 282. Come up next, we have Adam Corolla show 285 featuring Adam Corolla and you once again. Hope you guys enjoy this next hour of Adam and calls. Check.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. O'Reilly Auto Parts Man, O'Reilly Auto Parts, you know the jingle. You also know the guys over there and the gals. They take care of business. They keep your car on the road so you don't end up stuck on the shoulder looking like a dope. Friendly, helpful service. People who actually know their stuff, not just some kid who'd rather be on the phone or playing video games or something. These guys know their parts. I've been to quite a few of them over here in Southern California. And they don't just have seat warmers over there. They have folks that actually know their business and they know your car. Thousands of parts and accessories stocked in store also online so you don't have to panic when the check engine light pops up. Need wiper swap brake lights out. These pros can help you find what you need, hook you up. And if you need, they'll hook you up the local shop that'll do it. Or you can DIY it yourself. So whether you're a gearhead or you don't know a lug from a donut, they'll walk you through it. No attitude, just real help, old school style. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us online at o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com/Adam. It's Sunday morning, afternoon. We're sitting here in the warehouse. I spoke to Wiese earlier this morning and he said we don't have a show for Monday. So we flew in here and decided to lay one down on the way in. A couple things to talk about. First, a quick plug Brea Improv this Wednesday. That's right, Brea Improv. And this will be the first show, well, actually the second show, but the first improv show, nightclub show where we're gonna get the computer going, so it'll be interactive. We'll be on Skype and YouTube and all over the Internet. And I'll be yelling at Donnie and we'll be showing slides and we'll be doing the whole thing. So if you want to come out and see us live, Brea Improv Wednesday night and then on Friday night, Thousand Oaks at the Borderline. I don't know what it's called. Thousand Oaks Friday night. Go to AdamCarolla.com and we'll see you this week. Speaking of this week, oy, what a week today that would be. Monday, I'm sitting in edit bay finishing my pilot for NBC and doing some voiceover crap because it has to be turned in and then tested on Tuesday. Also Tuesday, Dancing with the Stars. Be making a little appearance on Dancing with the Stars on Thursday, doing Leno's show. I guess it's Tonight show again and trying to finish this book and keep up with the podcast. It's. It's getting a little crazy and, you know, see the wife and kids every once in a while. And speaking of the kids, watching a little Little Bear last night. Little Bear. Well, first off, the show's written by Chick, so how, how good can it be? And again, it's the biggest cop out show in the world. It's weird because it's like out of Sweden or something. And my beef with most these animated shows is the total lack of effort that's put into it. Little Bear is the show where the main character is named Little Bear and the daddy character is named Papa Bear and the mama character is called, you guessed it, Mama Bear. And guess what the duck is called? Duck. And guess what the cant is called. Can't. The show's so fucking lethargic and lazy, they can't even give names to their characters. It's just duck, cat, tree, ground, sky, whale, boat. That's all it is. And it's like methadone to my son. And we have to just sit there and watch it every night. And again, it's just like Little Bear collects leaves, Little Bear takes a leak. Little Bear goes fishing with his dad like there's nothing going on. But anyway, I'm laying in my daughter's bed watching Little Bear last night and she's sitting on my chest like she's like I'm lying on the bed like I'm in a coffin. I wish I was. And she's sitting on my chest like my sternum sort of sitting there like you'd sit On a five gallon bucket, just sitting there watching little Bear. And then at a certain point gets up, points her ass toward my face and rips a fart and then sits back down again. I was like, what the, what the hell is this? And if this was a middle Eastern country, we would have just buried her and stoned her at that point. But I started laughing my ass off. And then my wife comes in and sarcastically says, I wonder where that came from. Natalia. And Natalia looked at Lynette and said, my butt. Now what Lynette was referring to was I'd broken wind on the kids a couple of times because the prime. Here's the whole thing. It's more of an escape defense mechanism, which is my kids are perfect ass height. I'm 6:2 and I gotta throw a tape measure on those kids, but they're probably like 37 inches high, which is exactly where my asshole is. And my daughter will grab my pants or my shorts and like start hanging on them and dragging behind me and laughing. And I'll be dragging her across the kitchen floor and she thinks the greatest game in the world, literally like grabbing my belt, pulling my pants off. Sometimes you're wearing like sweatpants and my pants are coming down and other times I'll be wearing like a towel or something or bathrobe. And she'll be dragging on the back and I'll be in front of the nanny and other people, my balls will be coming out. So once in a while I'll just rip a fart on her head. Like maybe, I mean, I've probably only done done it like I don't know, seven dozen times. But I guess she learned that it was funny to rip a fart on people's head. So she got up and just blew. Blew ass biscuit, right my face last night while I was watching Little Bear, which again, I, you know, I would have disciplined her had I not done it to her. Obviously she learned it from the ass master, so she's merely the student. It was hard, hard to do anything but laugh. But that was last night. You know, that's what happens, you know, when you're single, your Saturday night is filled with coke and pussy. And when you're a parent, you just get your kid farting on your head while you watch Little Bear. And then, and then it's that thing too where it's like, oh man, it's 9:15. Wow, it's late. It's been dark for 40 minutes. So that was last night. Then on the ride in, so I talked to the Wheeze and Wheeze and I live basically in the same neighborhood and we take the same path in here to do the podcast. And we called me five minutes after he left and he said, there's a cop sitting on Forest Lawn Drive. There's a cop. There's a long stretch of drive called Forest Lawn Drive. Runs. Runs in front of the cemetery. And it's where my uncle Gabby's buried and it's where my mother in law is buried and Michael Jackson maybe entombed up there. Celebrities and stuff up there. Anyway, when Donnie called, he said there's a cop. There's this black cop that hangs out on a motorcycle tucked into the Jewish cemetery, which I'm sure the Jews must love. The Schwartz on the bike parked in there with the radar gun. But he gave me a heads up to say, do not speed along this stretch of highway because the guy's waiting there. So I was of course driving, you know, three miles an hour under. It must look suspicious when I drive under the speed limit. But I, of course was driving under the speed limit because Donnie gave me the heads up where the cop was hiding. And I didn't see the cop where he usually hides tucked up in the Jewish cemetery driveway. And I was like, hey, man, maybe the guy cleared out. And then soon as I said that, I drove about another 80ft and he was hauling ass the other way with his lights on. He'd busted someone who was going the other direction. And it was very ironic. Donny, I think you're going to want in on this particular conversation. I was. As I was turning the corner on Forest Lawn, I was passing all the legals who sell flowers. Now what happens is illegal, basically. If you go to Tijuana, what do you have? You have a bunch of people, bunch of street urchins on the street. They're selling gum, they're selling hot dogs, they're selling mini tacos, they're selling marionettes, they're selling, you know, ET Made out of plaster Paris with a Prussian helmet on that you can paint yourself when you get back to your dorm room. I mean, they just shit, they just sell shit on the street. If you take a look, let's look at all the great nations. The more shit that's sold on the street, the worse the nation. Right now it's kind of Turkish bazaar thing where they're selling like fish heads or they're selling tchotchkes. Think about all those shitty nations. Like when you watch 60 Minutes and they go to all those shitty nations, what do you have, you have a bunch of people on the street. There's no regulation, there's no health care, there's no anything. They just sell shit on the street. And then the really bad nations have the seven year old selling shit on the street. If you go to Tijuana, there's a bunch of five and six year old girls selling Chiclets that just run around. So of course, since LA is essentially turning into Tijuana and no one will say a fucking word about it now we got a bunch of shit, got a bunch of people selling shit on the streets. That's what we do. So we have. When you get off the side of the freeway, there's guys with oranges, there's guys with bags of peanuts. When you go down downtown la, there's guys with shopping carts with propane rigged up to them selling hot dogs wrapped in bacon. And if you drive to the cemetery, the. There's a bunch of illegals hanging out selling flowers. Now what's the problem with this? Do we have a problem with this? I'll tell you what the problem is. I'm not uptight. I'll eat a fucking. I used to go to Tijuana and eat shit off the street all the time. We used to go to Tijuana all the fucking time and just eat tacos. I never had a problem with it. The problem is they make a mess. They leave trash behind. They drink Gatorade, they eat food. Hold on, let me put my headphones on. The flowers come in boxes, they come in wrappers. And when you drive along the side of that stretch of forest lawn, there's big piles of garbage. Fast food garbage, wrappers, boxes, whatnot, right?

[Donnie]

Flower boxes, pizza boxes, soda cups, cans.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because here's the deal, here's what we're up against. We have an open border. Essentially, people come into this country and once they come into this country, they have to make a living.

[Donnie]

Let's also make it clear too, like, I have no problem with people coming over from Mexico, but they need to be like, they need the job card or the license or whatever it is to come over here and work. They need to simulate to American culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Assimilate. But yes, but no, Go ahead and simulate it. Fake American culture, I'd be fine with that. No, people come in and they have to make a living. They're uneducated, they're undocumented, they can't go in and apply for jobs at places. They have problems with the language, they don't have a Social Security card, they don't have anything. So what do they resort to? They resort to what they did where they came from, which is make a living on the street. And the living on the street means no taxes, no regulation, and garbage everywhere. And not only garbage everywhere, but human garbage everywhere. Los Angeles is littered with just people on the street trying to sell shit. It looks like we're in Turkey at a bazaar. And it's not. It's not what you want in your metropolitan city. But who's the cop chasing the cops Chasing Taxpayer. Joe Taxpayer. He's going to get a nice ass raping on a Sunday by the side of the freeway as he's going to.

[Donnie]

Visit his relatives, the cemetery guys, going.

[Adam Carolla]

Up to pays respects to his nana up on fucking Forest Lawn. That guy who's insured, who's driving the Audi, who's making his payments, who has his job, that guy's gonna get fucking raped by the side of the road. Now who's this guy speeding past on the way to rape the taxpayer? All the illegals that are standing there.

[Donnie]

Making a mess, we also gotta make it clear too. It's like it's like 15 or 20 of them scattered down that whole Forest Lawn stretch. Then there's trash that follows these. And they also cut up the fence.

[Adam Carolla]

To get under it. Yes. Now here's the deal. Put a fucking garbage can there, at least admit you have a problem and put a fucking garbage can. But how about the fucking cops start busting the criminals?

[Donnie]

What about write them up for litter?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, there's nothing you can do in this fucking city that doesn't get. You don't have to get a fucking permit for first, except for if you're illegal, in which case we know you don't have any money. And if you don't have any money, then you're of no use to us because all we're gonna do is bust you. You won't be able to pay the fine, we won't be able to fine you. The prisons are filled, the jails are filled.

[Donnie]

You could still hassle these people a little just to clean up their mess and just leave it the way you found it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you can't do it, because if you do, then you're racist. Yeah, God forbid the fucking cops go after the fucking illegals in this fucking town. No, you can't do it. You're racist. And of course Villa Retardo is not gonna stand for that because those are his people, those are his constituency. Can't take a stand against it. So what's the plan? What's the plan? Everyone just have LA slip deeper and deeper and deeper into Tijuana? Is that the plan? Is anyone gonna pipe up? Is anyone gonna take a stand?

[Donnie]

The other part too is, I mean LA is like $200 million in debt, yet they won't cut out any of these like city type jobs or the upper management. LA Unified School District.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was just watching Politically Incorrect or whatever the Bill Maher show last night. They had the head of the teachers union on there and she was a blah blah, blah, blah about the union. Everyone wants to talk about everything. What's up with the teachers? How come the teachers aren't teaching? We need better teachers. We don't need better teachers. We need better students who come from better families. Are you kidding me? Who are these? You know what it's like, it's like this. It's not, by the way, politically incorrect or Real Time with Bill Maher's just gone. He just has liberal people on the show now. He's tired of arguing with people that have a point of view other than his own. So it's just liberals arguing. Well, they're not arguing, they're just kiss. It's just an ass licking because of fucking Daisy chain. It's a circle jerk. Just a bunch of liberal people on there talking about nothing. So she's the teacher's union. She's the leader of the teachers union. God damn, is she boring. And she's just talking about the union and how they need better teachers and how we need better teachers. Let me tell you something about better teachers. No one wants to talk about the real problem. The real problem is too many people, too many families, too many kids, not enough money, no focus on education. Look, pure and simple. When we went to high school, other than Donnie, who's a Jewbilly, he was the only Jew in the hill who wore. All the other Jews had yarmulkes. He had a dunce cap. He put the yarmulke on top of his dunce cap. But all the other Jews in the hills, they did great. Okay, we all went to North Hollywood High. Okay? Just dig this fucking concept. And I wish I could get Weintraub or whatever her name was, it was head of the National Teachers Union, that bitch. And talk some sense of her. But just dig this concept. All we all went to North Hollywood High. All the Jews who lived up in Hebrew Heights, they all did well, excelled, took AP courses and, and many just regular courses. I was in classes with all these guys. We all remember the names of all These kids. And then soon as they graduated from North Hollywood High, they went on to ucla, they went on to Stanford, they went on to Cal, Berkeley and other places. And if they went to Northridge, their parents would kill themselves. They'd fall on a Star David or a chai and put it right through their sternum. Everyone, with the exception of Donnie and his brother, by the way, who went to San Diego State, at least he went to college. The point is this. They all. Now, what was the difference? Donnie, I need you to focus on me for a second. Forget about this. I'm listening to me. What was the difference? We all went to North Hollywood High. What was the difference between me, Ray and Chris and Robbie Levine, Jeff Buck and Nate Wittenberg, who all went off to ucla, Cal and Stanford? Wasn't there between those and us? Well, I'll tell you the difference.

[Donnie]

Parents.

[Adam Carolla]

Parents. Parents that gave a shit. Parents that stayed intact. First off, they didn't get divorced. Kept the parents intact. Kept the family intact. Secondly, what did they do? They emphasized education with their kids. Did my dad or mom say, have you done your homework tonight? Where's every report card? My dad said, where's the report card? No, I don't really blame our parents. We stopped talking to them when we were about 14 and did our own thing. But Jeff's parents and Nate's parents and. And Robbie's parents, what did they do? They stuck with it and they hammered it out and they said, where is it? So they were focused. Now, what's the difference in the teachers? Same teachers, same high school, same classroom, same everything. Somebody went to Stanford and somebody went to go clean carpets in Van Nuys. What's the difference? Parents.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Parents that care. But can we talk about that? No. Why? It becomes a racial issue so the faggoty pussy politicians who are scared shitless to say anything will never talk about the parents. What do they want to do? They want to talk about the teachers. I don't think the teachers have changed. I think the parents have changed. Now, here's the deal, pure and simple. Back when we were going to North Hollywood High, there was a bunch of kids from up in the hills. And those Jewish kids, they got their education and. Let me focus on another culture. The Japanese kids and the Asian kids, they got their shit together, too. And the eastern Indian kids, they got their shit together too, because their parents gave a shit. Because they came from a culture that focused on education and they focused on family. And those kids all magically did fine. Now you fast forward 25, 30 years. You remove the Jews, you remove the Asians, you remove the Eastern Indians, and what do you replace them with? Mexicans. Illegal Mexican families. Some legal, some illegal. Whatever. Do they focus on education? No. Does that make them a bad culture? In my opinion, it makes them slightly inferior to other cultures that do. But doesn't mean they're bad. It just means that's where the culture is. They're not focused on that. I guess the Asians aren't focused on other things that the Hispanics are focused on. I don't know what that is, but they're not. They're not focused on this. So what happens? Well, guess who's not going to Stanford from North Hollywood High. And guess who's not going to Cal. And guess who's not going to UCLA from North Hollywood High. Now, we try to turn this into a socioeconomic thing, into a point. It does. It does. Yes. You have money. It makes it easier. But we all knew poor kids that worked out and did well and were able. My friend Zeb was able to go to UCLA and able to go to Cal. He got student loans, he got grants, he got whatever. My buddy Chris Harden went to the Air Force Academy. They worked hard, and these kids were piss poor.

[Donnie]

Another factor is, though, too, we've eliminated all the shop classes. You have to also accept that some people, whoever it is, are either built to read and write, other people are meant to wrench and, you know, build.

[Adam Carolla]

But all I'm. I agree. And we should focus on that. All I'm saying is this. Stop focusing on what happened to the teachers. Nothing happened to the teachers. Look, let's all smokescreen. I agree with you. Put it this way. Let me put it this way. I'm Bill Belichick. I'm the. I'm the host. I'm the coach that was so gay. I'm the coach of the New England Patriots, right? I win Super Bowls. I go to the playoffs every year. If I have a 10, six season, it's bad. I'm more like a 12, four or 14, two, right? I'm Bill Belichick. I'm one of the greatest coaches in the NFL, right? But all of a sudden, you stop giving me talent. I don't have Tom Brady anymore. I got a guy who's lazy, and he doesn't want to work, he doesn't want to watch film, and he doesn't want to focus on the techniques and the fundamentals. And all of a sudden, I'm Bill Belichick. And all of a sudden, I just start getting A bunch of people that don't want to work that hard, that aren't very good athletes who don't work out during the offseason, they go back home and instead of, you know, instead of their parents saying, hey man, we should be working out, working on your foot speed and working on this, like, nah, here's a soda. Let's play a video game. Now the Patriots start losing. Whose fault is it Bill Belichick? We want to know what's wrong with Bill Belichick. Hey, Bill Belichick, what's wrong? Used to win games, now you don't win anymore. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong with Bill Belichick. He doesn't have any talent anymore. He doesn't have people who study game film. He doesn't have people that are focused anymore. So what are the teachers getting? They're getting a bunch of students that go home. They go home to my parents, Not Jeff Buck's parents, not Nate Wittenberg's parents. They go home to my parents and raise parents and Chris's parents. And what happens? Tests start falling off. Graduation starts falling off. Look, we want to blame the teachers for the 50% dropout rate the Hispanics have in Los Angeles. That's the teacher's fault. You think Jeff Buck could have dropped out of North Hollywood High? No, his fucking parents wouldn't let him.

[Donnie]

Yeah, it would be Harry Carry kind of thing if you fucked up or got bad grades.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what is the teacher supposed to do? Follow the guy home and get him in a headlock and drag him back to biology class? No, that's not the teacher's fault. That's the parents fault. Now, could the teachers be better? I'm sure they could be better. They could always be better. Do we keep. It's a waste of time to keep focusing on. On the teachers, focus on the homes, focus on the parents, focus on the culture will solve this. Am I the only fucking person that's smart enough to figure this out? Really? I'm a moron. I'm one of the guys who didn't go to Stanford or Cal or ucla. I understand what's going on very clearly here.

[Donnie]

Yeah, you know, you're right. But there's also another factor too, and it deals with the unions in general. I mean, the teachers. Once you make your tenure, what's the incentive for you to be a good teacher or good administrative. Unified school district management.

[Adam Carolla]

When we went to Walter Reed Jr. High and North Hollywood High, there are plenty of teachers that Were just coasting, sitting on their laurels, doing nothing.

[Donnie]

I had a biology teacher. What was his name? And h. He would actually. This is how he performed his class. He'd put in a cassette tape of a lecture and then go into his office.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

And then maybe like one. One day out of the week he'd actually be in the classroom. But four days out of the week, it was a cassette tape.

[Adam Carolla]

I listen, I had. We all had those teachers that were just latchkey teachers that just sort of warehoused you and didn't do anything. I had teachers that were 75, 80 years old. Mr. Spaeth, that guy was 80 years old.

[Donnie]

He was a good teacher though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a good teacher. Except for we were never in the class. We're down in the bathroom pissing on each other. We just get up and leave. Because he was too old to do. Do anything about it.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Spade, Mrs. Komasar. Todd Helt. She was like 85 years old. I mean, we had a bunch of dumbo ultimate. Look, they've always. Do you think the nature of teaching has changed that much in the last 20 years? No. Well, no, of course the unions it all up and of course there's lazy teachers. But that's. That's not the problem.

[Donnie]

That is not the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I illustrated. Here's what I clearly illustrated. I did a double blind taste test. We went to North Hollywood High. At North Hollywood High, same high school we all went to. You could have been warehoused out in the bungalows with the gang bangers and with the wees. You could have been sitting in ceramics class in Kennedy hall with me. Or you could be in it in an AP class with Jeff Buck. You chose. It was up to you and your family and how much homework you did and how much you applied yourself and how interested everyone was. We all know that if you got home and nobody said a word to you, you weren't doing any homework. I don't know that all our Jewish friends up in the hills wouldn't have done. But they learned that early because that was taught to them and that was instilled and ingrained in them. Those kids knew they were going to college by the fifth grade.

[Donnie]

Home, it might be more important than actual school.

[Adam Carolla]

The home environment is the most important part. When you make it okay for your kid to drop out of high school, then it. What's the teacher gonna do? They can't go looking for you, so let's stop. I know. Like I said, no one wants to say anything about the culture. No one wants to say anything about the families. No one wants to say anything. All we want to do is, oh, these are hard working single parents, they have to wait. Let's focus on that. What do you mean single parents? Stop fucking out of wedlock. Stop cranking out kids out of wedlock, stop. Oh, you know, many. Well, you can't blame the parents. They have five kids and most of them are single mothers. They're living below the poverty line. Well, knock it off. Let's focus on that. That's where we need to focus. Of course that's where we need to focus. That's our only place of focus. But we don't want to talk about that. That's uncomfortable. That makes the politicians uncomfortable. You think via Retardo or Maxine Waters wants to address the real problem? Of course not. They're cowards, hypocrites and pussies. What about the aclu and the ACLU and the rest of those people? They don't want to address that. No. Why dress? The real problem.

[Donnie]

What they've done too is they've caused whitey to get out of the schools and send their kids to private schools. You think whitey, of course whitey wouldn't spend that extra money if they didn't have to.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen, as I've said many times, I would love to talk to all our liberal homo buddies here in Hollywood about what their view is on immigration and about teachers unions and about all that shit. And then at the end of the, at the end of the thing I'll go and what school's your 12 year old going to? Oh, he's going to fucking, he's going to, he's going to the Fudge Packer Academy in Brentwood. Of course, of course. No, you think he's going into school and how you think he's going to Hollywood High. They'll fucking live in Hollywood. Why not just go to Hollywood High? Well, you can't go to Hollywood High because Hollywood high is 90% Hispanic. The culture doesn't put an emphasis on education and thus they're being warehoused there. So no, you're not going to let your little lily white kid go to Hollywood High. You're going to send them to a private school that's out of one side of your mouth. The other side of your mouth, you want open borders. You don't agree with what the right wing has to say about the, you know, unions and borders and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. So of course you're a hypocrite. You're the definition of A hypocrite. Because if you really believe what you're saying about oh, these people are hardworking and they're proud and this and that. They love their kids, but good. Send your kid to the free school now. You'll never send your kid to the fucking free school that's down the street from where you live. Why? Because you know your kid's not going to get the education that they would have got at the same school 40 years ago. What's changed from 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 50 years ago, teachers now students have changed, the culture has changed. And you know it and I know it and they know it. The only difference between us is that we're willing to discuss it. And they like to point fingers and call people like me bigots for fucking pointing out the obvious. Am I manufacturing anything here? Isn't this just. These are universal truths, are they not? I'm making this up, of course. I was just writing this in my book yesterday. Look, Tijuana. What's the difference between Tijuana and San Diego? A stripe in the fucking desert that ends in the ocean. And now let me just ask something. Of all you people that do nothing but defend the open border thing and talk about all this, that and the other. If your kid needed dental work, if your kid needed an education, if your kid needed an emergency appendectomy, where would you send them? San Diego or Tijuana? I think we've answered that question. Right now my next question. Why? Why?

[Donnie]

Because America is the greatest friggin country in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Can we please try to keep it that way? That's all. Jesus Christ. It's insane to me that I feel like I'm interested in solving a problem. That's what I feel like. And I also feel. And here's the first step in solving a problem. When there's a problem, you need to focus on where that problem emanates from. Not look around and point your finger in different directions. If somebody has a problem with drugs or booze, that person needs to be confronted and it needs to be addressed. You shouldn't be going around blaming the liquor stores. You should talk to the person that has the problem with the booze. Instead of saying why we selling booze at the supermarket? No, no, that's not the problem. The problem is the person that's drinking the booze. You're blaming the teachers right now. That's like blaming the stores. Focus on the person that has the problem in the families that have the problem.

[Donnie]

The lefts are ultimate plan they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Have an ultimate plan. Their ultimate plan is this. I want to be popular with everyone, and I want to be cool when I go to parties. And so that's what I don't want anyone to ever. I don't want to ask any of the tough questions. I don't point any fingers. Oh, and I'd like to get reelected. So this growing number of asses, uneducated asses. It's part of my constituency. I don't want to piss them off by telling them the truth. So I'll just go ahead and pander to them and. And then they'll get dumber and get shittier jobs and be worse off, but I'll keep getting elected every year because I have the same last name they have, and I have the same skin tone they have. Oh, that's not racist. Hey, let's vote in Viragosa because he's Mexican. Really? He's an incompetent imbecile with a personality disorder who couldn't run shit. Take a look at this. Take a look at what they're doing to this state. Take a look at what they're doing to the city. They're doing a fine job. What do you give them? What kind of marks would they. Would you give them if they were North Hollywood high?

[Donnie]

California and Los Angeles used to be the greatest city and state in the United States of America.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Donnie]

We are now in the most trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Again. Again, they're doing a fantastic job. All right, I'm gonna hop on the phone.

[Donnie]

Yeah, let's. Let's get this into a funner kind of feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

Screw you. Hey, Andrew.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam. Love the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Andrew.

[Caller]

Saw you on Real Time with Bill Maher. Thought you were super funny as usual.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Caller]

Had heard you talk on the podcast a few times about how you've been blackballed from that show because of your friendship with Jimmy, despite your prolific appearance on his previous show, Politically Incorrect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And I'm just curious if you thought that talking about it on the podcast several different times, if they got wind of that and they decided, you know, maybe it is stupid that we're not inviting him to this show after his quality appearances on our last show.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. And I don't want to repeat myself too much. I'll be really fast. I have no idea if anyone listens to this podcast or if everyone listens or who listens. I just speak what I know is the truth. And I've said many times, Jimmy disagrees with this theory by the way. But I know there must be a reason and I suspect this was it. All I know is in this city, if you do a show, I'm going to do Jay Leno show on Thursday, I'm going to do the Jackass of the Month. The reason I'll be going to do Jay Leno's show on Thursday and I'll be doing Jackass of the Month for the eighth time is because the other seven times worked out pretty well. I, I also got a call from the Jay Leno show last Friday to be the lead guest. Unfortunately, I had to go to. Well, fortunately for me, actually, I had to go to Willow Springs and drive a race car. Why did Jay Leno call and why does Jay Leno keep calling and why do they keep wanting me to come on? Because I came on the show and I did well. And when you come on a show and you do well, a show that tapes a lot and needs a lot of guests, you will be in demand and you will be on a very short list. You'll be on a little emergency list. And I'm not, I, I'm not delusional. Jay Leno's people did not want Adam Carolla, sorry for the third person thing. They did not Adam want Adam Corolla be the lead guest for Friday show. Somebody dropped out. Jessica Alba dropped out or somebody dropped out. But the point is, is they. I am on speed dial and they will go to me. The fact that they. That I did 24 politically incorrect and it took me six years to get on Bill Maher's Real Time suggests something is up when they have all the same producers, Scott Carter and the same people over there. So that's how I know something's up. Should they have me on more often? Fuck yeah. Did you watch the show on Friday or Saturday? What's that?

[Podcast Host]

It was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

No, my show was awesome. Sorry for sounding like a dick. Did you watch the one, the last one where they had the singer from Matchbox 20 and the head of the teachers union and some columnists from the Washington Post. It was a fucking snore fest. They need some comedy on that show.

[Caller]

Hey, can I ask a follow up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

So I think Bill Maher is fairly funny when he's just talking, like when you two were going back and forth. But absolutely, when he does his little bits, I really think he's not funny at all. And I don't know if it's because he has bad writers or bad delivery, but I was just curious as to.

[Adam Carolla]

What you thought about That I think Bill Maher. Bill Maher is a really interesting guy because he's a really cool guy and he's a really uptight guy at the same time. And he can be really funny and he can be really serious and he can be really angry. You know, it's weird because he smokes a ton of weed and then he gets really uptight and pissed off about stuff. And it's a weird. He's got a lot of real duality to him. Bill Maher is a talented guy, and Bill Maher is a funny guy. And Bill Maher's writers, for the most part, are funny. And I think for the most part, those things work. But any show where you're forced to. I probably chose the wrong words. But any show where you have to give a monologue and it has to be, you know, five, six, eight minutes and then do another comedy thing in there, it's just going to be hit and miss. It just. Is it some more consistent than others, some better than others, some worse than others? I think for the most part, he does a good job with that. I think his writers do a good job with that. In a business that's very difficult to get a, you know, to be at 90%, I think he's pretty consistent, does pretty well, and he is good on his feet, and I think he does that show extremely well. My only beef with Bill in that show is that show he used to put on the chick from the teachers union and then Tucker Carlson, and then they would mix it up. He stopped putting on the right wing people, and now it's four people who all share the same opinion and it gets boring. You want to see people mix it up? Yeah.

[Caller]

I also thought it was kind of weird that he's, like, so nuts about animals. I had no idea about that till I saw this show. That seems like kind of a fringe group to me. And for him to be a part of that seems odd.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill is one of these guys who, like all animal lovers, loves animals and so so on people. That's his thing. But definitely a talent and definitely interesting. And, you know, if you ask me, if you just take a look at the comedy landscape, I could definitely use a couple more Bill Maher's and a few less of the guys from the blue collar comedy tour. Thanks, Andrew. Appreciate you watching and listening.

[Caller]

Thanks a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Take care. All right. Should we try another one? What do we got? Try line four. Hey, Matt.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Matty?

[Caller]

Matt, Is this Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, buddy.

[Caller]

Adam, let's get it on my goodness, I'm such a huge fan. I listen to all of your podcasts.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I got two questions for you. All right, One, what happened to the ace on the house podcast, the home improvement one? Those were great. I really miss them.

[Adam Carolla]

We will definitely try to bring that back. You know, here's what we're up against here. And just to really let everyone know exactly where we're at, I of course have been knee deep in this sitcom. I've shot it. It's a single camera sitcom. It's like shooting an independent film. And if you're in every scene, it's a bunch of 12 hour, 14 hour days, then you have to whack the thing together. And this thing could be an A or it could be a D minus depending on what you do in the edit bay. And you have to sit in that goddamn edit bay and eat takeout sandwiches hour upon hour upon hour. So then I've been sitting in the edit bay and now you have to do the voiceover stuff and blah blah, blah. So that's been going on that ends essentially today. That's. This is it for that. The other thing that's been going on is I'm behind on my stupid book and I'm trying to put, put, put, put a finishing touch on that. There's a million different personal things going on. There's all these live shows and it's all this crap is going on simultaneously and there's only one me and there's only one Donnie and we just physically can't get to it and we don't really want to commit to it unless we're ready to do it. And on a serious weekly basis. I don't want to just pop one in and then not do it for two months and then pop one in again. So we're gonna have to really, we're gonna have to get some more staff. We're gonna have to build it out and it's a growing process, but we will definitely bring it back because I love talking about building.

[Caller]

Well, we already love them and we support the live shows. I'll definitely come see anything you do in Dallas, Seattle or Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Well, I like your range. You're calling.

[Caller]

I got a brother in Seattle and an office in Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Now what's your brother in Seattle do?

[Caller]

He's an anesthesiologist.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. Good guy to know. Give you a little Michael Jackson treatment.

[Caller]

I've got him listening to your car. Cat. He just got an M3 because of the show you did with Dinan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yes, Sir. Love that M3. Goddamn, that's a great car. Hey, Matt, thanks for listening.

[Caller]

Can I fire one more question?

Do you mind?

[Adam Carolla]

No, go ahead.

[Caller]

I'd love to hear your honest, unfettered opinion, maybe even a rant about the various kooky, crackpot ideas that some people like Joe Rogan, John Salley and Suzanne Summers have expressed on your show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know, the sort of metaphysical stuff and the government conspiracy stuff and enemas cure cancer. I'm going to beat cancer with the wisdom of the Orient by putting up a bunch of tea leaves up my ass and all that stuff.

[Caller]

That kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my. Here's my feeling about that. If. If you have a make believe problem. If you have a problem. Here's my. Here's my. Here's all I know about medicine. 80% of problems are depression. 80% of problems are, I hate my life. I don't want to get out of bed. People that love their job, love their life, love their family spring out of bed every morning. And you want to know what? Those people almost never sick. Did they ever miss any days at work? Did they ever go like, where's Herb? The guy who fucking loves his job and is passionate about his job and his family and his art and his leisure and his everything. Those guys ever miss any days? No. Depressed people miss days all the time. They hate their life, they hate their job. They're depressed. So the biggest problem we really have, and I'm going to call it a medical problem, by the way, people are depressed, kill themselves. So it's a serious issue, depression. Now what happens? Well, the depression means you have a stomach problem, you have a back problem. Oh, my back. Oh, my stomach. Oh, I got a pounding headache. It's all depression, psychological depression, it manifests itself. Is the stomach ache real? Yes, it's real. Is the diarrhea real? Of course it's real. Fucking bounced off the bowl and went up to the bottom of the toilet seat. That's the crazy part. When you flip the toilet seat up, it's like, how did I get shit on the bottom? Or am I shitting in a space shuttle? How'd I get shit on the bottom of the toilet? Do I shit so hard that it actually bounced off the bowl and hit the bottom? It coated the bottom. It's like, I got a. Put a knockdown finish on the bottom of the fucking thing. That's a little construction talk there. But the point, the point is. Point is this. It all starts in your head. And it ends up coming out your ass. But it starts in your head. So as far as herbs go, as far as exercise go, as far as Pilates go, as far as fresh pressed juices and multivitamins, blah, blah, and enemas and all that shit. Enemas don't do anything. There's no toxins in your body. That's nonsense. And all those cleansing diets and everything, that doesn't do shit. But listen, here's what it does. If you're smoking, if you're drinking, if you're eating greasy fast food, if you're washing it down with Sunny D. And then all of a sudden somebody says, hey, man, I'm going to spend 10 days and I'm not going to drink any caffeine, I'm not going to have any alcohol and I'm not going to eat any Ho Hos or Twinkies or fat or grease and I'm just going to have myself some warm water with some piece of jicama floating in it. Well, of course you're going to feel better. It's not detoxing. It's not putting a pile of shit into yourself for a week. Know what I mean? I mean, let's just. Let's just forget about the fast food and everything. Let's just take the booze. Here you go. You go. Okay, listen, I drink myself, you know, couple tumblers of vodka every night and then I get up and have a Bloody Mary, blah, blah, blah. So, okay, you take a week off and you don't put the booze in you. All right? You don't have to put cayenne pepper and lemon and wheatgrass in you. You just stop putting the booze in you for a week. Well, how are you going to feel? You're going to feel better. You're not going to be hungover in the morning. You're going to feel better. But what these people do is they put the warm water and the cayenne pepper and all that and they go, hey, man, look at me. Look, I feel so good because I'm cleansing out. I'm detoxing. I'm pushing the toxins out of my colon. No, you're not putting in the vodka. You're not putting in the In N Out burger and the French fries and the animal fat and the chocolate cake and all the shit that slows you down and affects your system. Of course, it's just common sense. Look, it's all about positive attitude. Let's take Donny's cousin Sandy. That guy lives off of Slim Jims and orange soda, essentially, that's breakfast for Sandy. Does Sandy ever miss a day of work? Is Sandy ever depressed? What's Sandy? I'd love to know if Sandy ever missed a day at work. Does he ever have a headache? Is he ever hungover? Is he ever not making? No. You tell Sandy I'll see at the shop at 6:30 in the morning. We're going to hook up the trailer to the diesel and we're going out to San Diego to pick up the mirror. Boom, he's here. He's never like, oh, my stomach hurts. His stomach should hurt. Well, how does he do it without the colon cleanse and the master cleanse and all the detoxing? How does he get all those toxins? How's he doing with all those toxins?

[Donnie]

My point is what you're talking about these people, that that's all they ever, ever do. And once again, that's kind of America having the freedom to ingest whatever the fuck you want.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, here's, here's my point. With everyone's kooky theory. I don't buy into the government conspiracy theories. I have a very simple answer for you. As far as the government and their theories and how evil the government they are and the COVID ops and all that, let's not be, let's not be naive. George Bush. George Bush, you know, W. That is the last Bush that was in office. He's considered by everyone on the left and everyone who follows these conspiracy theories and stuff. This guy maybe second only to Reagan in the last 50 years. This is the kind of guy who would try to bring down the Twin Towers and start a war because he's in bed with defense contractors and blah, blah, blah. I mean, I think you would agree with me, Matt, that this guy, that Bush is the man. He is the widest, most Republican, bible thumpinist and he's the guy who would. And you wouldn't trust this guy as far as you could throw him yet. What happens? He goes in and he's going to. He finds out, somebody tells him the CIA or whoever is on the ground, the intel tells him Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction. And he says, are you sure? And they go, yeah. And he goes, good, we're going to launch a war. So what does Bush do? He goes in there and he blows up the whole place and he kills Uday and Kusay and he captures Saddam Hussein and all that shit. And what happens? They don't find any WMDs, nothing. Now if Bush was a guy who created hoaxes and who did these conspiracies and did all this? Don't you think somebody would have dug a hole in the desert and planted some sarin gas and had somebody find it and turned it into something? Hey, we found something over here. Don't you think somebody would have taken some nuclear warhead and planted it somewhere in some spider home to Crete somewhere? And they would have went, wait a minute. Because he had a ton of egg on his face. He had more than egg on his face. He had jizz on his face for this one. He was humiliated and the Republicans were humiliated and probably may have cost the election for all. For all I know. The point is this. If these guys really did all these covert ops, wouldn't somebody have planted some weapon of mass destruction, even if it was just biological or chemical or something like that, so that they could do a photo op with a couple of drums of sarin gas and went, here you go? See, we were right for starting this war, but what did they do? They went, you know, what the. We got faulty intelligence. Sorry. What can you do, right? So, yeah, if our government was into conspiracies and they were into fooling the public, when. How easy would have been just to plant some shit somewhere over there and done it? Easiest thing in the world, right? A lot easier than faking the moon landing or taking down the Twin Towers or doing something in Area 51. This in the middle of the desert, all you need is a couple of guys to just dig a hole and plant a couple of things and go, hey, we found a little cache of. Of biological gas here. They didn't do it. That says to me, they don't know how to do it, and thus they don't do it. So that's what the conspiracy theories. As far as the. All the other shit, if you have cancer and you want to start eating fresh broccoli juice every morning and tons of vitamin C, I'm fine with that. The only part of that I don't like is when you stop doing the treatment that you should. You should do. You should do what your oncologist tells you. And then feel free to cut out the In N Out burgers and start pressing fresh juices. Thank you, Matt.

[Caller]

Thank you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times. Weezer, am I right or am I right? We would have planted some WMDs.

[Donnie]

You're 100% right. I don't know what everybody's thinking. Like, this guy's like some crazy mastermind, but then he forgot the end game scenario.

[Adam Carolla]

Bush had to know that if they found no WMDs over there, that there would be a massive backlash. And there was, but the other part.

[Donnie]

Too is everybody from the Europeans to the left here in America, everybody, there was like a 10 or 12 year sanctions from the UN right about he has weapons of mass destruction. It wasn't Bush, this wasn't Bush's idea. Everybody was on the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and he used, they didn't find it.

[Donnie]

Everybody jumped ships. Oh, I don't know why Bush went over.

[Adam Carolla]

He used to chemical weapons on the Kurds already, right? Like he, he, he, he, he did. A bunch of his own people did.

[Donnie]

That was refusing to let the UN search. There were sanctions on.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, here's the whole thing with a guy, like here's the deal with the guy Clinton.

[Donnie]

They all said he has weapons of.

[Adam Carolla]

Mass destruction whether he had him or not. Saddam Hussein needed to have a fucking bullet put in his head. Am I right or am I right? Jesus Christ. New world order, everyone, just one planet, please. If there's some despot that, that's killing his own people and gassing his own kids, babies, mothers still clinging to their babies, gassing his own people, let's just go as a nation, as a world, let's just go put a fucking bullet in his head.

[Donnie]

You don't understand their culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I know I'm not culturally sensitive. They're different. I know I'm crazy. I think that gassing your own people and stoning women for fucking reading, I think that's a bad thing. But you know, I'm not culturally sensitive enough. Everything's beautiful. Everything's. There's no right and wrong. There's just different. There's no difference between a water lily and poison oak. It's all just the same. It all just exists in nature. No difference between a Kodiak bear and a kitten. It all just exists. It's all the same. We should treat it all exactly the same. Thank you, James.

[Caller]

Adam, what's going on? How are you doing this Sunday, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Fired up. What's happening?

[Podcast Host]

Cool, man.

[Caller]

I'm fired up too. It is a delight to speak with you, sir. I'm a longtime caller.

First time getters.

[Adam Carolla]

Got you, buddy.

[Caller]

So a couple things. Maybe if this, if the mood strikes you to go on a tear on this, I wanted to revisit Gay Eye.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Gay Eye. Michael Naron sent us a great drawing of that, but I can't even remember what that was. That was one of the. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, it's my movie pitch where the Guy has to get eyeball replacement and he gets an eye.

[Donnie]

It was you and Cranston.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, mean Cranston, right? Brian Cranston.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me the beats of gay eye.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's where you can't control your gaze. You're looking to the plumber's butt, and you can't. And you're like, oh, God, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but the story is, like, they do those stories all the time where the person gets their hand replaced, but it's the hand of a serial killer, and now the hand has to kill, and they do that thing, too. I think there's a horrible Jessica Alba movie where, like, she was blind, man. I don't need to say horrible in front of Jessica Alba movie, do I? I'll just say. I'll just say Jessica Alba movie, and you'll do the horrible math. Why. Why waste time like saying engaged to be married. We got it. Just say engaged. So there was a Jessica Alba movie where she, like, lost her sight and had her eyes replaced. But. And I only saw the poster, but I think her eyes were, like, from a serial killer and she could see into the future or something. But I was thinking, what if you had eye transplants, but you got gay? You got, like. Let's say there's a gay guy and he was a. He was an organ donor, and he died on a moped accident, and you got his eyeballs, and then all of a sudden you were like this straight dude. This be a funny movie. It'd be a comedy. You know, it's like you're. You're Matthew McConaughey, right? Donnie, find that. Donnie, find that Jessica Alba movie from, like, three years ago. Like Angel Eye or something like that. I gotta find the synopsis. All right, so here it is. You're Matthew McConaughey. You play fast and loose. You're a real Coxman. Your man about town. Thank you for saying hi like the Japanese do. And you're nailing everything that's not screwed to the floor, and you're having the time of your life, and then all of a sudden, there's a horrible accident. Ah, here's what happens, James. One of the many chicks. One of the many chicks you fucked over. One of the many chicks you've screwed, you've loved and left and whatever. There's a knock on the door. He answers from his bachelor pad. He's got a chance chicken bed. He's wearing his smoking jacket. And she throws acid in his face. Battery acid face. As retribution for what he put into her face. Earlier that week and he never called her back. And he starts screaming, my eyes. Next thing you know, he's blind and he needs eyeball replacement and he gets the gay eyeballs. And now we cut to like, him sitting at a restaurant, like, say, like an outdoor cafe, and he's checking out this really hot waitress. And you know, we do that thing with the camera where the really hot waitress is walking up to the table, he's focused on her, and all of a sudden, all of a sudden he starts gazing over her shoulder to some guy who's getting out of a pickup truck. And he dropped his meter change and he bends to get it and his ass crack is showing. And he shows his eyes focusing on the guy's ass crack. And he's like, what the. Whoa. He does that. What the hell? And he rubs his eyes and he gets back onto the waitress. But then it starts to veer away to the good looking gay waiter who's off in the corner, you know, shaking his cocktail shaker and his martini shaker. And all of a sudden he's got a hankering for cock, but he can't believe it. Now his eyes are attracted to these things, but he can't maintain an erection.

[Caller]

I was thinking you could.

You could take it another. Another step that not only do. He can't control where he's looking, but his eyes, he actually has like that smiling, overtly gay, smiling, happy eyes when he's talking to a guy, he's like, the other guy's thinking, man, is this guy hitting on me?

[Adam Carolla]

And he can't. He can't control his eyes. Here the Jessica Alba movie is called the Eye. I guess I gotta walk up and read what the hell the things about. But. And then there's this thing where, like, he's talking to his boss, right? Yeah. And his boss is played by super, super cocky Alec Baldwin, you know, and he's wearing the suspenders and everything and the two thousand dollar Armani suit. And he's talking to his boss. And his boss is a player too. You know, his boss is like, he's married, but man, he envies McConaughey because he's single and all that. All that skirt he's chasing. And while he's talking to his boss, you see McConaughey's eyeballs start to focus on Baldwin's cock, you know, and he's like, huh? And. And Baldwin's like, hey, hey, up here. I'm up here. He starts looking at his cock again and he's like, what's going On I can't. So he starts wearing dark sunglasses in. In work because he can't take staring at guy's cock. It's a remake of a Hong Kong film. A woman who receives an eye transit that are. That allows her to see into the supernatural world. But either way, it's one of those Hollywood things where if you get an eye transplant or a hand transplant, you take on the personality of whoever you got him from. Listen, the gay eye. I like it. Maybe Cranston will star in it. We'll work it out.

[Caller]

James, he'd be great.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for the call, Bubba. Hi, man. Good times. All right, let's see. Thanks for that. Weezer. Weezer pull that off. Let's not take any more phone calls. Let me just talk to a couple people. Been on hold for way too long. I'll be fast about it. Hey, Noah.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What's happening, Brada?

[Caller]

Not too much.

It probably spend like six hours a day listening to the podcast and old recordings. A Loveline as I go about my day.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, buddy.

[Caller]

I had a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Caller]

I was wondering if you guys had ever thought about doing, you know, how at the end of Loveline is sometimes on sitcoms, they'll play a little sound clip at the very end of, like, the funniest moment of the show. Kind of leaves a good lasting impression of the episode. Do you like those?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love all that stuff. And when we get our sound machines in here and bald Brian in here and all that stuff, it's all. It's. It's all going to come full circle. And that's what we will be doing. It's just for now. You know, Brian is fighting, you know, first life, honestly, with this tumor, and we don't have the equipment and the infrastructure and all that shit right now, but that will happen. And I did love all that. I used to look forward to the end of the show when we would hear what the hell. What the hell we were going to say. So. Thanks, Noah.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, take care.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that about does it again. The Brea Improv, Wednesday night. Donnie's got a projector and Donnie's got a computer, everyone. So look out. We're gonna do like a live interactive show. I'm gonna bring a bunch of slides. It's gonna be a good time. And Thousand Oaks over at the Borderline Music Club in Thousand Oaks on Friday, and then Ontario the following Wednesday and then gonna be in Irvine after that. Just go to AdamCarolla.com check out the dates, and we'll see you there. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for my good buddy, the we Sand. Mahalo.

[Podcast Host]

All right, that was Adam Corolla show 285. That does it for today's Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, model and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

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