Adam Carolla (73:06)
Check it out. O'Reilly Auto Parts Man, O'Reilly Auto Parts, you know the jingle. You also know the guys over there and the gals. They take care of business. They keep your car on the road so you don't end up stuck on the shoulder looking like a dope. Friendly, helpful service. People who actually know their stuff, not just some kid who'd rather be on the phone or playing video games or something. These guys know their parts. I've been to quite a few of them over here in Southern California. And they don't just have seat warmers over there. They have folks that actually know their business and they know your car. Thousands of parts and accessories stocked in store also online so you don't have to panic when the check engine light pops up. Need wiper swap brake lights out. These pros can help you find what you need, hook you up. And if you need, they'll hook you up the local shop that'll do it. Or you can DIY it yourself. So whether you're a gearhead or you don't know a lug from a donut, they'll walk you through it. No attitude, just real help, old school style. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us online at o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com/Adam. It's Sunday morning, afternoon. We're sitting here in the warehouse. I spoke to Wiese earlier this morning and he said we don't have a show for Monday. So we flew in here and decided to lay one down on the way in. A couple things to talk about. First, a quick plug Brea Improv this Wednesday. That's right, Brea Improv. And this will be the first show, well, actually the second show, but the first improv show, nightclub show where we're gonna get the computer going, so it'll be interactive. We'll be on Skype and YouTube and all over the Internet. And I'll be yelling at Donnie and we'll be showing slides and we'll be doing the whole thing. So if you want to come out and see us live, Brea Improv Wednesday night and then on Friday night, Thousand Oaks at the Borderline. I don't know what it's called. Thousand Oaks Friday night. Go to AdamCarolla.com and we'll see you this week. Speaking of this week, oy, what a week today that would be. Monday, I'm sitting in edit bay finishing my pilot for NBC and doing some voiceover crap because it has to be turned in and then tested on Tuesday. Also Tuesday, Dancing with the Stars. Be making a little appearance on Dancing with the Stars on Thursday, doing Leno's show. I guess it's Tonight show again and trying to finish this book and keep up with the podcast. It's. It's getting a little crazy and, you know, see the wife and kids every once in a while. And speaking of the kids, watching a little Little Bear last night. Little Bear. Well, first off, the show's written by Chick, so how, how good can it be? And again, it's the biggest cop out show in the world. It's weird because it's like out of Sweden or something. And my beef with most these animated shows is the total lack of effort that's put into it. Little Bear is the show where the main character is named Little Bear and the daddy character is named Papa Bear and the mama character is called, you guessed it, Mama Bear. And guess what the duck is called? Duck. And guess what the cant is called. Can't. The show's so fucking lethargic and lazy, they can't even give names to their characters. It's just duck, cat, tree, ground, sky, whale, boat. That's all it is. And it's like methadone to my son. And we have to just sit there and watch it every night. And again, it's just like Little Bear collects leaves, Little Bear takes a leak. Little Bear goes fishing with his dad like there's nothing going on. But anyway, I'm laying in my daughter's bed watching Little Bear last night and she's sitting on my chest like she's like I'm lying on the bed like I'm in a coffin. I wish I was. And she's sitting on my chest like my sternum sort of sitting there like you'd sit On a five gallon bucket, just sitting there watching little Bear. And then at a certain point gets up, points her ass toward my face and rips a fart and then sits back down again. I was like, what the, what the hell is this? And if this was a middle Eastern country, we would have just buried her and stoned her at that point. But I started laughing my ass off. And then my wife comes in and sarcastically says, I wonder where that came from. Natalia. And Natalia looked at Lynette and said, my butt. Now what Lynette was referring to was I'd broken wind on the kids a couple of times because the prime. Here's the whole thing. It's more of an escape defense mechanism, which is my kids are perfect ass height. I'm 6:2 and I gotta throw a tape measure on those kids, but they're probably like 37 inches high, which is exactly where my asshole is. And my daughter will grab my pants or my shorts and like start hanging on them and dragging behind me and laughing. And I'll be dragging her across the kitchen floor and she thinks the greatest game in the world, literally like grabbing my belt, pulling my pants off. Sometimes you're wearing like sweatpants and my pants are coming down and other times I'll be wearing like a towel or something or bathrobe. And she'll be dragging on the back and I'll be in front of the nanny and other people, my balls will be coming out. So once in a while I'll just rip a fart on her head. Like maybe, I mean, I've probably only done done it like I don't know, seven dozen times. But I guess she learned that it was funny to rip a fart on people's head. So she got up and just blew. Blew ass biscuit, right my face last night while I was watching Little Bear, which again, I, you know, I would have disciplined her had I not done it to her. Obviously she learned it from the ass master, so she's merely the student. It was hard, hard to do anything but laugh. But that was last night. You know, that's what happens, you know, when you're single, your Saturday night is filled with coke and pussy. And when you're a parent, you just get your kid farting on your head while you watch Little Bear. And then, and then it's that thing too where it's like, oh man, it's 9:15. Wow, it's late. It's been dark for 40 minutes. So that was last night. Then on the ride in, so I talked to the Wheeze and Wheeze and I live basically in the same neighborhood and we take the same path in here to do the podcast. And we called me five minutes after he left and he said, there's a cop sitting on Forest Lawn Drive. There's a cop. There's a long stretch of drive called Forest Lawn Drive. Runs. Runs in front of the cemetery. And it's where my uncle Gabby's buried and it's where my mother in law is buried and Michael Jackson maybe entombed up there. Celebrities and stuff up there. Anyway, when Donnie called, he said there's a cop. There's this black cop that hangs out on a motorcycle tucked into the Jewish cemetery, which I'm sure the Jews must love. The Schwartz on the bike parked in there with the radar gun. But he gave me a heads up to say, do not speed along this stretch of highway because the guy's waiting there. So I was of course driving, you know, three miles an hour under. It must look suspicious when I drive under the speed limit. But I, of course was driving under the speed limit because Donnie gave me the heads up where the cop was hiding. And I didn't see the cop where he usually hides tucked up in the Jewish cemetery driveway. And I was like, hey, man, maybe the guy cleared out. And then soon as I said that, I drove about another 80ft and he was hauling ass the other way with his lights on. He'd busted someone who was going the other direction. And it was very ironic. Donny, I think you're going to want in on this particular conversation. I was. As I was turning the corner on Forest Lawn, I was passing all the legals who sell flowers. Now what happens is illegal, basically. If you go to Tijuana, what do you have? You have a bunch of people, bunch of street urchins on the street. They're selling gum, they're selling hot dogs, they're selling mini tacos, they're selling marionettes, they're selling, you know, ET Made out of plaster Paris with a Prussian helmet on that you can paint yourself when you get back to your dorm room. I mean, they just shit, they just sell shit on the street. If you take a look, let's look at all the great nations. The more shit that's sold on the street, the worse the nation. Right now it's kind of Turkish bazaar thing where they're selling like fish heads or they're selling tchotchkes. Think about all those shitty nations. Like when you watch 60 Minutes and they go to all those shitty nations, what do you have, you have a bunch of people on the street. There's no regulation, there's no health care, there's no anything. They just sell shit on the street. And then the really bad nations have the seven year old selling shit on the street. If you go to Tijuana, there's a bunch of five and six year old girls selling Chiclets that just run around. So of course, since LA is essentially turning into Tijuana and no one will say a fucking word about it now we got a bunch of shit, got a bunch of people selling shit on the streets. That's what we do. So we have. When you get off the side of the freeway, there's guys with oranges, there's guys with bags of peanuts. When you go down downtown la, there's guys with shopping carts with propane rigged up to them selling hot dogs wrapped in bacon. And if you drive to the cemetery, the. There's a bunch of illegals hanging out selling flowers. Now what's the problem with this? Do we have a problem with this? I'll tell you what the problem is. I'm not uptight. I'll eat a fucking. I used to go to Tijuana and eat shit off the street all the time. We used to go to Tijuana all the fucking time and just eat tacos. I never had a problem with it. The problem is they make a mess. They leave trash behind. They drink Gatorade, they eat food. Hold on, let me put my headphones on. The flowers come in boxes, they come in wrappers. And when you drive along the side of that stretch of forest lawn, there's big piles of garbage. Fast food garbage, wrappers, boxes, whatnot, right?
