Adam De La Pena + Paul F. Tompkins (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Adam De La Pena + Paul F. Tompkins (Carolla Classics) April 5, 2026
PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode brings together two beloved interviews from deep in the Adam Carolla Show archives: first, a 2012 segment with comedian/writer Adam De La Pena (“Code Monkeys,” “I’m with Busey”), followed by comedy mainstay Paul F. Tompkins. The hosts (Adam Carolla, Alison Rosen, Bald Bryan, Mike Lynch) touch on themes ranging from creative productivity and neighborly conflicts to food rants, everyday absurdities, and inner workings of showbiz, wrapped throughout with the show’s signature irreverence, wit, and heartfelt nostalgia.

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Key Discussions & Notable Segments

1. The Art of Chipping Away: Adam’s Productivity Philosophy

• [01:04–07:05]
  • Adam just finished a new book and reflects on his approach to big projects.
  • Quote: “Look at life as a big pile of shit at the end of a parking lot and there’s a dumpster on the other end. ... Just take a shovel full every time you walk past it.” — Adam [01:30]
  • Co-hosts discuss time management strategies and the value of incremental progress over big, daunting efforts.
  • Mike Lynch shares an anecdote from the documentary “Touching the Void” as a parallel to Adam’s “chip away” method.
  • Reference: “You could eat a Buick if somebody ground it up and put it into a tablespoon and you sprinkled it over your cereal every morning...” — Adam [05:21]

2. Remodeling & Manual Labor Metaphors

• [02:17–04:31]
  • Adam uses renovation stories (disposing of construction debris) to further illustrate habits of gradual improvement.

3. Culture Clash & Neighborhood Frustrations

• [08:10–33:00]
  • Rant about Los Angeles infrastructure and water conservation hypocrisy, e.g., sprinklers running in the rain.
  • Quote: “LA comes into your home after you buy it, they remove your toilet without your consent and put the low flow toilet in... But then you can drive along the freeway in a torrential downpour and watch the sprinklers going off.” — Adam [13:42]
  • Adam laments city mismanagement, graffiti, and wastefulness.
  • Group discusses neighbor disputes, charity events at Adam’s Malibu house, police being called for noise complaints.
  • Quote: “Why are we putting up with this? ... They’re born that way. We can’t correct them. They’re sick cows. ... What we need is the cops showing up going, 'Why did you call us?'” — Adam [20:00]
  • Angie, calling in, shares her saga of a nitpicking neighbor, leading to Adam’s advice about handling chronic complainers: “You have to be as unpleasant, unfriendly... Next time he's thinking about knocking on your door, not want to do it.” [27:17]

4. Fan Calls: Bad Neighbors & Retaliatory Antics

• [33:59–50:13]
  • Listeners call in with stories about difficult neighbors, from passive-aggressive bickering over toilet seats and bird baths to creative (if gross) revenge tactics.
  • Memorable: Caller recounts leaving a urine-filled trash can outside noisy upstairs neighbors’ door as payback. [46:06–47:12]

5. Reunion with Adam De La Pena: Man Show Days & Hollywood Anecdotes

• [53:38–71:04]
  • De La Pena reflects on his start as a “junior writer” for the Man Show and how making Hawaiian shirts for the staff helped land him the job.
  • Quote: “We based a lot of it on the fact that he made us shirts ... he sewed them from scratch.” — Adam [54:34]
  • Hilarious recollections of Man Show writer-room shenanigans, bus commutes, and the “Miho” nickname.
  • Discussion of his animated projects and love of ‘80s TV (“Magnum, PI”).
  • Adam and De La Pena compare public transport war stories and riff on bus vs. plane travel.
  • Quote: “If you’re taking a bus from LA to Pittsburgh... you’re semi-retarded and possibly criminally insane.” — Adam [62:22]

6. Cultural Critiques, Language, and Identity

• [65:04–67:31]
  • Conversation about the nuances of Spanish (expressing “warm” vs. “hot”), stereotypes, and growing up multicultural.

7. News With Alison Rosen:

• [72:06–75:35]
  • Earthquake in Mexico discussed, leading to a tangent on construction standards and why masonry fails in quakes.
  • Adam’s expertise on building codes and wood framing.
  • Concludes with morbid speculation about earthquake casualties and the Mexican drug war.

8. Pop Culture & Absurdities: Michael Jackson, Jill Zarin, and Boob Flashes

• [94:12–96:17]
  • Adam shares stories about scaring his kids with the “Thriller” video.
  • Clip played of a guest (Jill Zarin) flashing her breasts in the studio.

9. Food Rants: Pizza, BBQ, and Office Lunch Disasters

• [106:45–128:28]
  • Adam, Paul F. Tompkins, and others bicker about the superiority of certain pizza toppings, the perils of “veggie” pizza, and strategies for office food orders.
  • Discussion of their visit to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ in Kansas City and the legendary Z-Man sandwich.
  • Quote: “Forget about the advertising... Make a kick ass product. People will talk.” — Adam [113:10]

10. Behind-the-Scenes Hollywood: Writing for TV, Music Industry, and Divas

• [116:06–137:08]
  • Music journalist David Wilde recounts stories about writing for musicians’ autobiographies (CeeLo Green, Brad Paisley) and the difficulty of capturing someone else’s voice.
  • Adam and Wilde detour into rants about bad '70s classic rock (Foreigner, Bad Company) and hidden gems (John Hiatt, Little Village), playing song clips and eviscerating overplayed hits.

11. Paul F. Tompkins Segment: Comedy, Hollywood, and Parody

• [154:59–163:04]
  • Tompkins and Adam dissect stand-up vs. acting, talk show guest hosting, jokey “made-up movie” pitches, and media nostalgia.
  • Paul describes the pitfalls of being edited deceptively on clip shows: “So I started doing the setups to the things as insanely as I could.” [157:50]

12. News, Absurd Laws, and Societal Irritants

• [184:10–193:57]
  • Discussion about Supreme Court’s strip search ruling (for even minor offenses) and how police power dynamics play out in real life.
  • Adam’s practical advice for how to behave when pulled over: “He is now conductor, principal. ... For that one fucking moment, he’s in charge.” [188:11]
  • Riffs on early success ruining celebrities (Eddie Murphy), the emptiness of remakes, and odd TV talent choices.

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Highlighted Quotes

• On Productivity:
  “You could eat a Buick if somebody ground it up and put it into a tablespoon and you sprinkled it over your cereal every morning, once a day.”
  — Adam [05:21]

• On LA Mismanagement:
  “Don’t fucking start getting preachy with me when you’re wasting it.”
  — Adam [15:10]

• On Handling Bad Neighbors:
  “At a certain point, they have to feel no sense of satisfaction when they speak to you. ... It works like—there’s that person you work with that always complains... That person never gets asked to work on a Saturday and never gets asked to go out on a bagel run, because no one wants to deal with them.”
  — Adam [27:17]

• On Pizza Toppings:
  “Fuck yourself. Go bring your own fucking food, number one. Number two, there should be no accommodations. It should just be the cheese pizza is what the vegetarian will eat.”
  — Adam [121:05]

• On Success:
  “Make a kick ass product. People will talk.”
  — Adam [113:10]

• On Authority Encounters:
  “He is now conductor, principal... The lord of your world for that moment... If you fuck with them at all, they go, ‘alright, now you’re coming with me. And now you’re getting a strip search.’”
  — Adam [188:11]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | | ------------ | ------------------------------------------------------------------ | | 01:04–07:05 | Adam on writing a book, incremental work, productivity metaphors | | 08:10–15:10 | LA municipal rants & infrastructure complaints | | 20:00–33:00 | Malibu party, charity event & neighbor disputes | | 33:59–50:13 | Fan call-ins: neighbor revenge stories | | 53:38–71:04 | Interview/banter with Adam De La Pena, Man Show memories | | 72:06–75:35 | Earthquake news, construction rants | | 94:12–96:17 | Flashing in the studio, Jill Zarin story | | 106:45–128:28| Food: BBQ, pizza, lunch order grievances | | 154:59–163:04| Paul F. Tompkins interview, stand-up vs. acting, made-up movies | | 184:10–193:57| Supreme Court, police, and oppression discussion | | 197:07–202:08| Palin, celebrity early success, Eddie Murphy, bad remakes |

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Notable & Memorable Moments

• The “Buick diet” metaphor for productivity – unusual, classic Carolla wisdom.
• Tales of “weaponized” babies and urine-soaked revenge—listener call-in stories showcase absurd neighbor battles.
• De La Pena’s Hawaiian shirts origin story and how it changed his career.
• Adam’s pizza and BBQ decrees—passionate, specific, and hilariously combative.
• Paul F. Tompkins on surviving clip shows—how to game the system to avoid blatant mis-editing.
• Rants on authority, strip searches, and police interactions—equal parts funny and insightful social commentary.

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Tone, Style & Closing Remarks

True to the Carolla brand, this episode weaves sharp-tongued complaints, original analogies, and wild diversions with a tone that’s both gruff and genial. The interplay between hosts and their guests is loaded with inside jokes, playful mockery, and keen observations on everyday frustrations.

The episode is as much a time capsule of the show's classic “golden age” as it is a window into the ongoing comedic chemistry between Adam and his collaborators—an appealing mix for both longtime fans and new listeners seeking a deep-dive into Carolla’s world.

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For further laughs, check out the full interviews in the ad-free archives at adamcarolla.substack.com or request clips for future Carolla Classics episodes.

Transcript

[Angie]

Foreign.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[David Wilde]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans select eclipse from all 17 years

[David Wilde]

of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to hear any of the clips played today ad free in

[Adam Carolla]

full, make sure to check out Adam

[David Wilde]

Corolla substack Adam corolla.substack.com you can find

[Adam Carolla]

the ad free archives of the Adam

[David Wilde]

Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew

[Adam Carolla]

show, as well as the podcast Beat It Out. If you'd like to request the clip, please email us classicsamcorla.com all right, let's

[David Wilde]

get to the clips coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

First we have Adam Carolla Show 783 with Adam's former man show writer Adam De La Pena, who went on to create his own shows of Comedy Central

[David Wilde]

and Cartoon Network as well. It's really fun to hear Adam reunited

[Adam Carolla]

with Adam, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop also in Studio from 2012. Good day, bald Brian, you talk too much. That's what my son told me tonight. Good day, Allison. Rosie.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Carolla finished a goddamn book today.

[Allison Rosen]

Again.

[Adam Carolla]

Done. Well, yesterday we'd gotten to no yesterday we worked on it the whole day. Chipped it away to what was a manageable chunk to finish today. But the manageable chunk turned out to be more unwieldy than we thought.

[Allison Rosen]

The chunk turned on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we got to about page 278 yesterday and had to get to 3:19 today. And I thought that chunk could be done about two and a half hours and took us the entire fucking day. But I guess it tends just to work that way. Either way. Moral of the story, kids, the difference between the winners and the losers. And it took me a long time to figure this one out. Chip away. Just look at life as a big pile of shit at the end of a parking lot and there's a dumpster on the other end and you just take it. Just take a shovel full every time you walk past it. That's all. But don't stare at it and go, who's gonna move all that? Or say, one day I'm gonna get whipped up on a Saturday and I'm moving it all in one day.

[Allison Rosen]

That's me.

[Adam Carolla]

It never. That shit never works. It's like you have 319 pages to get through. I'm fucking horrible at homework. I mean, thank God I got lynch and we had Fondelier and Mike August, but we just did the Porcelain punisher. We did 45 pages from Spokane to Portland and then when I was driving back and forth to Willow Springs to do the car to my training for, you know, we did 41 pages back and forth one day, and then we did, you know, another 50 when we got back. It's just like, chip, chip, chip. It's not. It's never really intimidating if you just go, we'll do 20 pages. But the whole thing is don't put off those three days when you would have done those 20 pages. And it's actually not bad. I mean, a more concrete metaphor is speaking of concrete, we have totally gutted this warehouse, done a big remod job on the warehouse. And thus, there's a huge pile of shit sitting out in the parking lot. And it's the kind of thing where you could go rent or purchase a dumpster, fill the whole thing up, and get it out of there. Or as I told to Matt Fondelier, since we really don't have anyone living here, a couple of trash cans at a time. I said, every week, just make sure each can. When are you gonna start doing that to the top? It's going. The problem is we keep throwing shit in there. Oh, no. That pile at its peak was Mandini Mountain. Was that the. Wait a minute. Huh? Yeah. There used to be a commercial for manure called Mandini Mountain. Guy tried to stick around.

[Allison Rosen]

Do the flesh mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it, do it. Oh, it was a huge pile. It was a huge pile a month ago. Now it's medium and it will be gone before you know it. Just two trash cans at a time each week.

[Allison Rosen]

The best is that there are a few chairs out there set up almost as if people were having a conference amidst the rubble.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk trash people at the end of the day about busted up drywall and mdf. So we've been throwing stuff out there a little pile at a time. And yes, we got through all 319 pages at the end of the day today.

[Mike Lynch]

That's so funny you mentioned that about the little at a time. I just, over the weekend saw a documentary called Touching the Void about two British mountain climbers who climbed this previously unclimbed mountain in the South American Andes. And the guy, one of the guys on the way down broke his leg, and that's pretty much certain death. He fell into a crevasse, right? Like one of those, like, bottomless crevasses. Landed, survived, and found like a light tunnel. And at that point, he had two thirds of the mountain to come down. And that's the hardest thing, especially when he's Hopping and crawling literally on one leg. And it was just, it just kept going inch by inch, a little by little over the course of like three days. And this unconquerable feat, this unattainable feat, getting back to the bottom of the mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he did it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the moral is, don't climb mountains.

[Adam Carolla]

The moral is never leave the house or write a book.

[Mike Lynch]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear you, boss. No, you could eat a Buick if somebody ground it up and put it into a tablespoon and you sprinkled it over your cereal every morning, once a day. Eventually, I don't know if it'd be three years, and I don't know, be 23 years, but eventually you would consume and pass a large Buick automobile. That's just sort of the way you have to approach it and then be thrown off the fucking apprentice for no good reason.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I've heard a productivity tip is this thing called a time dash, which is if there's something that you're putting off, just make yourself do it. Either for like, just say, okay, I'm just going to do it for five minutes, or I'm just going to do it till I fill up five trash bags or boxes or whatever. Because I mean, for probably more than five minutes. But the truth is that once you get started, you'll find that you keep doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

And when one of the keys, one of the things to do is once you get started on it, like, like you said, and you get 37 pages in, you just make the proclamation, let's stop at 50. You don't stop at 42. You know, you just, you kind of try to do that. It's like that running on the treadmill where you go, I'll just do five more minutes. And then I'm already fucked up and tired and sweaty and shitty anyway, I'll just, we'll go to 50. And also what I was doing is I was trying to break it down. Like, I think we do 20 pages an hour. So if we go two and a half hours tomorrow, we'll do 50 tomorrow. And if we go two and a half the next day, we'll, that will be at 100. And it's not that daunting when you do that, but when you start getting into these no doughs. Give me the five Diet Mountain Dews and we're pulling an all nighter. That just seems fucking impossible.

[Mike Lynch]

Forgot the five hour energy. Forgot the six hour energy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right. And you can pre order not Taco Bell material. The book out on Amazon as We speak. All right. I want to. Miho is here tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never met him. Never have.

[Adam Carolla]

Meha

[Allison Rosen]

no meha no ho. No. No ho. Meha yo. No.

[Adam Carolla]

We never had him in with urine. Oh, he's a delight.

[Allison Rosen]

Heard stories.

[Adam Carolla]

You know why? Because he's Mexican. But he doesn't act like it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he's one of the good ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying you get all the upside of the Mexican with him, you know, seedy underbelly.

[Mike Lynch]

He's not very Mexican because I zipped

[Allison Rosen]

my purse and hid it away. Did I not need to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is it away? I mean, leave it there now you still have to go get it. Yeah, he's not that. Not Mexican, you know what I mean? But he's. No, he's great. He's almost Jew esque. He's the guy got the.

[Allison Rosen]

What does he overthink?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got the job. He's the guy who got the job at the man show for sewing U.S. hawaiian shirts from spread.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he sewed them. I have a button bias Hawaiian shirts.

[Allison Rosen]

Despite his success, does he still sew?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's a good question.

[Mike Lynch]

He's disheveled, but it's not calculated.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, mm.

[Mike Lynch]

He's kind of dishevelled.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know how to process that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they call him the Mexican Michael Moore. Jeffrey has no interest in consumer politics. All right. But he looks alike. All right. Boy. Oh, complaining about this great city of ours. I was. That's hard. One of the problems of getting through the book is me complaining. Going off on complaining tangents every few

[Allison Rosen]

moments because they pull you away from the complaining that you have to do in the book.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they remind me of things. And I was driving out to Willow Springs, which is out past Lancaster in the desert every day doing this car training stuff for this celebrity Grand Prix this year. And I drove out on Saturday and it was teaming. I mean, just dumping buckets of rain. I had to leave about 7:15 in the morning and drive out there because I'd be there by 8:30 and it's 100 miles away and it was just dumping buckets of rain. And as I got to that point where the 170 sort of turns into the 5 or meets the 118 and the 5 and the 170 all sort of come together. I look at that freeway overpass, which makes me wildly depressed. I've talked about it before, which is. It's brand new construction. They're Building freeway overpass, but it looks like an old thing that they're demolishing. When you see a half built freeway overpass, if it's only half built, if there's not guys working on it, just pass it. On a Sunday, it's sort of hard to tell whether it's coming down or going up. You don't know what direction it's going. And this one looks like it's coming down because it's covered in fucking graffiti. And you realize, oh, no.

[Mike Lynch]

Urban art. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry. This isn't something from the 70s that we're tearing down because we're going to put a solar farm up. We're building this and it's covered with graffiti. Each three feet they get another can of Krylon is spent on the side of it. And I thought, why is this okay with everybody? So as I was passing this fucking urban black eye on my way to the desert, I saw amongst the flap of the windshield wipers and the teeming rain, of course, the sprinklers, the automatic sprinklers by the side of the freeway going in full effect. And I thought, how fucking stupid. Like, I argued that Los Angeles is one of the dumbest cities in the world. And you can make arguments for other cities, but they have reasons why they're dumb. I mean, I understand the shanty towns and the poverty and the corrupt governments and all that kind of stuff. We don't have a good excuse for being nearly as dumb as we are. We're California, for the love of Christ. We're Los Angeles.

[Allison Rosen]

We're like, we're represented by a keychain with flip flops and sand in it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

It must be that place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Don't you know that song? Yeah. Driving in a Cadillac.

[Mike Lynch]

What do they make sprinklers with a rain sensor that will not go off in the rain?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. I have every house I've had in the last 10 years. I've went to Home Depot, bought the rain sensor, and you wire it into the same thing that turns the sprinklers on. It's an automatic rain sensor. Somebody figured this out years ago.

[Mike Lynch]

That explains why my sprinklers went on in the middle of the night the other night. Because it rained the previous 24 hours. I'm like, why are the sprinklers going on like at seven in the evening? Is because it had a rain sensor, I suppose, and it was going off then as opposed to during the rain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They have sensors. I mean, most people, a lot of people have automatic sprinklers. Hold on, let me talk to Allison. There are these things called homes and folks own them.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I know how you guys live in that sort of. Those boxes that are on top of each other where you get to hear each other. Fuck. This is different. They're separate boxes. Separate individual boxes.

[Allison Rosen]

How many walls do you share?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you don't share walls.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't share walls.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, how much does that cost to rent?

[Adam Carolla]

You don't. You own it. I'll draw it out for you. Anyway, there are these things called lawns that come in front of those individual boxes. Wow.

[Mike Lynch]

Sometimes behind them, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes behind them.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you know which is the front?

[Adam Carolla]

There's what they call a cement pond. Oh, it's. Well, you. There's. You know what? I don't want to bore everyone who's on. Who's listening. I don't be condescending, but a lot of people know what I'm talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean own.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they own. So they have automatic sprinklers. And when you have an automatic sprinkler, one of the first things you realize is, well, I should get this rain sensor because it's raining outside. My automatic sprinklers are set to go off at 6am every morning. And what you do is you set your sprinklers, you know, don't set them off at noon because they'll evaporate. Set it off at 5am that way the water will. You can maximize the potential. But oftentimes you're asleep at 5am so you're not there to shut it off if it's raining outside. So somebody's discovered and invented a water sensor which stops your sprinklers from automatically coming on. It's pretty easy. It's an electrical circuit that gets closed when this little cup gets filled with water or it gets open and it shuts the valve off or discombobulates the system, however it works. It's simple math and it's been around for 25 years. Great story. LA City does not possess them yet. We've wasted billions of dollars on PSAs to tell me not to run my tub water too long. And. And it used low flow shower heads and used low. When I bought my house, shower heads

[Allison Rosen]

have been pissing on us because of that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

When I bought my house, they actually took the art deco toilet, the green one from the 20s, pulled it off and replaced it with a low flow piece of shit toilet. Matt the porcelain Punisher, finally crying and pounding the wall.

[Allison Rosen]

He's just walked out of the bathroom with a satisfied, smug look on his face like, oh yeah, they won't forget me soon.

[Adam Carolla]

So here's what LA does. LA comes into your home after you buy it. They remove your toilet without your consent and put the low flow toilet in there that they have. But then you can drive along the freeway in a torrential downpour and watch all the sprinklers going off.

[Allison Rosen]

That's fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

They're fucking retarded. And then they want to know why we don't listen to them or have any respect for them.

[Mike Lynch]

I'm envisioning a David Koresh situation when

[Adam Carolla]

my name's MacKenzie and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a nonverbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because

[Allison Rosen]

she wasn't able to find adequate care

[Adam Carolla]

for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills.

[Allison Rosen]

So I launched a GoFundMe to help

[Adam Carolla]

support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved

[Allison Rosen]

by the situation that this family was struggling with.

[Adam Carolla]

GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people.

[Allison Rosen]

Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by

[Mike Lynch]

GoFundMe in the Fondelier's house.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going in. That's right. All right. So that was very uplifting to see our retarded city and tax dollars literally going down the drain and I go ahead and waste as much fucking water as you want, your retards. But don't then keep kicking out the PSAs about me saving water and the low flow shower heads and the low flush toilets and all that bullshit. Don't fucking start getting preachy with me when you're wasting it. When we used to drive down Wilshire to go to the morning show every time there'd be a huge puddle in the middle of the street every morning at 5:15 where the sprinklers just went all fucking haywire. Just a three foot little strip in the middle there. Could have easily just put down some ground cover. Nope, gonna put a putting green in

[Allison Rosen]

there on the side of the freeway. What are they even watering? It's just dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's dead in la. And you see in between the two lanes, it's more just scrub. It's an ugly, fucked up city, and somebody needs to do something about it. All right, we got some calls. Oh, fucking neighbors. Oy, Mike. We're getting to that chapter of the book where Mike was reminding me, you know, I have owned houses that I haven't lived in. And the Malibu house is where we had the Shakespeare festival. And I don't know what it was for, but it raised money for the kids. It's for the kids.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know you did anything like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's. I. Yes, I quietly have done it.

[Angie]

Oh, my God, it's exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's my wife. But you know who. Okay, let me explain how life works. Lynette announces to me, you know that house you paid $3 million for? That's in Malibu. We should have a huge party there, and you should get Jay Leno to do comedy and Dana Gould and Jimmy Kimmel and blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, all right, how about it, everybody? High five. High five, high five, high five. And it's like. It'd be like me going, you should build a time machine that can get me to New York in under 20 seconds and have my hair look pretty when I get there, and then go, huh, huh, huh? And then me going, why aren't you in the lab working? Huh, huh, huh. That's how it works. Yeah. I'm always the douchebag, but I'm still the one who gets the house and Leno and sets up the shit. She did a bunch of work, too. And we're doing this thing to raise money for kids. We did it, I don't know, three years ago, Brian. I don't remember.

[Mike Lynch]

Right after I got diagnosed, it was like early mid 09.

[Adam Carolla]

So we did that. And right into the laughs for bald Brian.

[Mike Lynch]

Yeah. Same year. Quite a year for charitable events.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I found. You can do plenty of good things for people around you and society, and all you have to do is have a little bit of a shitty tone about things. And people go, he's a dick. It's easy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. It's penny wise and pound foolish in the douchebag department. I do it all the time, right? I help people a lot. And then at the end, I just go. I don't. I tune out or something and I go, fuck you. And then they walk away with my Sack of money.

[Allison Rosen]

You got to tune out on your way in.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I got to do. So we had this big gathering there and it was like, oh, Howie Mandel came by and I don't know who all were.

[Mike Lynch]

It was star studded. It was Shakes, beer. It was like it was a beer kegger festival.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably pull up some pictures somewhere for you. But anyway, Ray was there. The back of the house. The back of the house is a million miles away from civilization. It's in Malibu. It's on two acres. It's like way the fuck. I mean, the back where we were actually having our sort of party about Bob Saget and Jeff Ross and oh shit, Jim Norton. Jim Norton there. Yeah. Where we were doing the actual comedy.

[Mike Lynch]

Brian, there's tears to the backyard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's tears. And this is 250 yards away from the street, right? Of course, yeah. Neighbor crosses.

[Mike Lynch]

Not only that, 250 yards also down. You know, the backyard has.

[Adam Carolla]

With a fucking wind blowing like, this is Saturday, 2 o' clock and this isn't Russell Simmons presents Deaf Comedy Jam. It's just a soldier up there yelling kill Whitey. This is, this is. Wow, I forgot about that. This is Bob Saget playing the guitar, screaming, co. Whitey. Whitey. And Jay Leno doing a bunch of jokes, right? Oh, no. Neighbor called the cops. Never. Because you could. And here's the thing, here's what I was asking. And when I owned the party house, when I used to own the party house in Sherman Oaks, I didn't live at the party house. I was never at the party house. Literally. Ozzy had his concierge there. Not his kids, his own. I got married. I got married. We had a. I got married there. We had. Oh, Pat Oswald. Is that Pat Oswald? Yeah, we had a, we had, we had a New Year's Eve party there. So anyway, in the, I don't know, five years I had the place, I had three parties. They called the cops. And here's the question for the neighbors. Uh oh, am I not allowed to have a party at my house once every two years? You know what I mean? You're not like even when the fucking sun is just overhead, like I'm not allowed to have an event at my home. It's Saturday, it's 2:30. It's not. It did not go on into the wee hours. Like it started at noon, it ended at four. Like it was not even. It was maybe two and a half,

[Allison Rosen]

three hour prime daytime TV time.

[Mike Lynch]

They called the cops down. A charity event that's horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they don't know. They're just like, a lot of noise and young.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something going on. And I wasn't invented. I wasn't invited. And I spoke to Howie Mandel, who lived across the street and is selling his house, and he said, oh, that fucking neighbor. Such a douchebag. Like, we're part of the reason we're selling is because of that douchebag neighbor. And I just thought, what the fuck is it? I've had these neighbors at every party I've gone to. Like, put in some fucking earbuds, dude, and go for a walk or go see a fucking matinee or do something. Or why don't you wander over and enjoy it with everybody else? Like, what's the. And why are we putting up with this? See, we're putting up with it. It's not their fault. They're dicks. They're born that way. We can't correct them. They're sick. They're like sick. Fucking bovine. They're sick cows. They're mad cows. What they need is that fucking hammer. They need Javier Bardon to put that fucking hammer thing in their skull and put them down. What we need to start doing as a society is reigning them in. Like, what we need is the cops showing up going, what's going on? Why did you call us? Well, first off, it's two in the afternoon and they don't seem to be making very much noise now. What's your name? And why are you wasting our time? And let's. And everyone does this fucking bullshit slippery slope thing. Well. Well, then the next thing you know, he's gonna look out the window and see retarded Siamese twins being raped. And he won't do anything because he'll be scared to call the cops. I said to make it two people, you know, but it seemed unrealistic to have twins being raped because one of them would run away, right? So I decided to attach them.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

They're conjoined.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it would be impossible that only one would be retarded. Pretty much, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Because they share everything. They share all the fluids. All the fluids. Be quite a fucking bad joke on the one that wasn't retarded.

[Allison Rosen]

It really would.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd think it'd be the joke on the one that was retarded.

[Allison Rosen]

You tried dragging this one around, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So are we not allowed to fucking throw parties? And then as a society, why aren't we doing more about this? Why aren't the fucking. I know. The click it and ticket campaign. I'm well aware of that. How about the bullshit calling the cops, using them as your personal gestapo because you got a beef with your neighbor and there's one of you and 350 of us trying to raise money for kids? Really? You can't fucking turn up your TV just a little bit or go out for a drive? Beautiful guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you meet this awful neighbor?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Her deal.

[Adam Carolla]

The. I don't know if it's a he or she I was told that came out. Howie Mandel was explaining to me what a fucking horrible person they were. And like I said, every house I've had, I've had dickhead neighbors who've called the cops almost every time. And it's fucking insane. And somebody needs to step up and do something about it. And the cops need to do something about it, which is, hey, cops. You guys charge for everything. That's all you do. All you do is rape your constituency. All you do is take the taxpayers and rate them. Why don't you fucking add this one on? You call us out, we come out and there's no problem. You have to pay a fine. How do you define a problem? We'll know it. You'll know if the stereo is too loud, you'll know people are getting out of hand. You can tell. And if you. If not, then you gotta pay. And it'll make the ass wipe think twice before they pick up the phone or tell me and let me go over there and yell at them. They won't tell me which neighbor called,

[Allison Rosen]

even though, you know, I had.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, when I had my New Year's Eve party at the party house, cops were out before 10 o' clock on New Year's Eve, which meant they were called by 9 o' clock on New Year's Eve and it was like a Saturday fucking New Year's Eve.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to expect annoying noise.

[Adam Carolla]

Oy, Producer Angie who? Bald Bryan knows from the old AM Carolla show. Friends with my assistant Jay was explaining to me that she has a neighbor who came over there and wanted her to turn her porch light off because. Oh, is she on the phone?

[Adam De La Pena]

Oh, she's on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I didn't even look up. I thought we couldn't get hold of her. I'll get to that. Angie.

[Angie]

Hi, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

How are you, sweetheart?

[Angie]

I'm good. How are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well. Do you miss me?

[Angie]

Of course. Every day.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so damn hot. It's so much easier working with Carson Daly, isn't it?

[Angie]

He's a delight. But I do miss you.

[Adam Carolla]

He is easy, isn't he?

[Angie]

He is pretty easy, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like Carson a lot. Angie's producing Carson's show and on the air all the time as well. Now, Angie, tell me about this story because I was right in the middle of screaming about my neighbors this afternoon when I think Mike lynch told me about this and I wanted to vomit on myself.

[Angie]

Okay, I'm going to start. We just moved into this new house and it was a dump. It should have been condemned. We've ripped everything down, done construction on it. He's called the police because we're too loud on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Several that's. I've had that. Every time I've done construction, they call the cops or they complain they're getting flat tires. From now it's like, hey, dude, I'm taking this house and making it go from 400 grand to 650 grand, thus raising the price of your house. 50 grand. How about you shut the fuck up? Or do you want to live next to the rat infested shanty town?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, guys.

[Angie]

That's exactly what it's. Okay, that's what's happening here. And he's super passive aggressive, comes by and says, oh, you guys were working late in the night. Are you guys going to get up really early? So anyway, the other day he comes over and he asks my husband if we could turn off the front porch light by 10pm because it illuminates his daughter's bedroom. It illuminates her bedroom and she can't sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

And how old is the daughter?

[Angie]

Well, you would think probably 8 or 9. She's 25 years old. 25 years old. And she's complaining that our light is illuminating her room and she can't sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, Angie, are you like me?

[Mike Lynch]

To be fair, she was wearing the lampshade on her head and not over.

[Adam Carolla]

Angie, Angie, I. I am very mixed on these people because there's a part of me that just wants to go Al Capone on them with a fucking baseball bat. And then there's a part of me that's secretly and wildly jealous. I could never do that in a million years. I wish I had that kind of fucking chutzpah where I could just go to a neighbor and talk to them about their fucking porch light when there's something called curtains, by the way. And you want your neighbor with their porch light on illuminating as much cubic feet as possible for safety. But obviously you have curtains or blinds, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they have special curtains. Yeah, it's right.

[Adam Carolla]

So. But is there a little part of you. I know you despise this person, but is there a little part of you that's jealous and wishes you could walk up and knock on someone's door and actually have those words come out of your mouth?

[Angie]

Yeah, because for some reason, I kind of think he has balls or he's just stupid. But I think. I think with him, he's just stupid. I wish I had the guts to go up to him and be like, hey, asshole, don't park in front of my car so I can get out. But I would never do. I would never do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here, let me give you a little. Let me give you a little piece of advice. These people are either stupid or insane or liars or all the above. And they are a bottomless salad bowl of complaints. And the more you appease them, the more they'll come after you because they're sort of like an alley cat who's just sniffing around. And if you put that saucer milk out for them, they're going to keep coming back for more. At a certain point, they have to feel no sense of satisfaction when they speak to you. And even a little pain, perhaps humiliation. And then they will quickly do a negative association with going to your house. It's real easy. It works like. It's like, you know, there's that person you work with that always complains. That person never gets asked to work on a Saturday and never gets asked to go out on a bagel run because no one wants to deal with them. It works. It actually can work. So when it comes to your house, you have to be as unpleasant, unfriendly. You don't have to kick him in the nuts, but you just have to go, he has to. Next time he's thinking about knocking on your door, not want to do it.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a co worker who called that prophylactic anger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Like when we all worked at the magazine, if someone would come up to you, be like, hey, Howard.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Stop anyone from ever talking to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the crazy Israeli cunt who lived next to me up Beechwood Canyon. I did two years of trying to be nice to her, and then I eventually just went, bitch, you're nuts. Get out of my face. And I scared the shit out of her and she never bothered me again. So, Angie, that's what I should do. You gotta go Rambo on his ass.

[Angie]

I'm all over it. Next time it comes over, I'll take him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you do that? Really? It's for your own good. Because it will never end. I mean, if this guy's gonna come over and tell you to lower the wattage on your porch light because of 20. Because their adult daughter. And by the way, the daughter you will usually find is basically Frankenstein being built in the lab by this fucking animal. I mean, we'll be the monster of Frankenstein. Because my Israeli cunt had a young son who was exactly the same. He's like 21. And he wanted me not to work on my house one day on a Friday because he had to study for a test. And in want all the noise?

[Angie]

She's 25. What is she doing living at home, first of all?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God.

[Angie]

God, don't even get me started on this girl. She won't get on the car if she sees me. She's scared of me. And I haven't even. I've never met her.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. She's gonna OD soon. Don't worry.

[Mike Lynch]

Paint the picture, because angie is about 98 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but she's. She's a cricket. She's a buzzsaw. Thanks, Angie.

[Mike Lynch]

Angie had a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Congratulations on the baby.

[Angie]

Hey, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I'll tell you what you do with that baby. You put that baby in a tube sock and you swing it around, use it like a mace. Take it fucking head off. And let me tell you something. How old's your kid? Your kids are just a few months old, right?

[Angie]

He's four months old. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're soft. They heal so fast. At that age, your bones don't even break, they just bend.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the perfect time to put your baby.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Weaponize them.

[Adam Carolla]

Once a kid gets into high school, you can't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure you've tried. Where'd you get a sock back on?

[Angie]

I can use them as a weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the good news is you only have to brandish it. It's like a gun. Once they see that kid swinging around in that tube sock, they off.

[Angie]

All right, that's my plan. Now use them as a. Use him as a. A weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Angie. Have fun getting up. At what time?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

4:30.

[Adam Carolla]

2.

[Angie]

3 3:30.

[Adam Carolla]

No,

[Angie]

don't, don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to roll over and fart at 4am and think of you. Wait, Angie, hold on. Seriously, Sweetie, I did morning radio.

[Angie]

I know I was there.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you were there first three. What time did I show up? Average when the show started at 5:59.

[Angie]

5:59 and 30 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Angie]

You rolled in when the music was starting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You know why? Because I'm on the clock. The second one eyelid lifts up. One eyelid. So 3:30, how much prep? And I know you're good. You're very good producer and you're just a super hardworking person, but still. Do you guys start at 6 or 5?

[Angie]

We start at 6.

[Adam Carolla]

Why 3:30? Because I was on the air with no songs and talking my ass off for four hours, and I would get up at 5:15.

[Angie]

I get up at 3:30. It takes me, you know, half an hour to get ready, half an hour, go to work. I get to work at 4:30, 4:45, write a bunch of news stories. Half that we don't ever get to. And then.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Mike Lynch]

It's a great show, but if I

[Angie]

didn't have them, I would feel unprepared.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell Carson when I used to work with Adam, he'd just wing it. It was always funny.

[Angie]

He knows that. I told him that already.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you didn't have to do quite as much prep with me until Silver came by and demanded the wing bowl. And that's when Angie kicked.

[Angie]

Oh, I miss the wing bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

No, me too.

[Mike Lynch]

It's a great show, a lot of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, and Bresca, Huge in Philly. All right, Angie, now, I wasn't a bad man, was I? I think a lot of people. No, not at all. I was indifferent. But I wasn't bad, right?

[Angie]

Never, never bad. No. You were a delight.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, baby girl. I love me. I love me. Producer Angie, because Angie had it down, which was. She did her job, she did it well, and that was that. We worked out perfectly together. And she's now doing great with Carson and she is lucky to hook up with Carson because Carson. Carson's one of these guys who, you wouldn't know it, like, you'd think, like, oh, he could be one of these douchey dudes. Not at all. Super nice guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Jimmy discovered him, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Jimmy discovered me and Carson. It was weird. At one point, me, Jimmy and Carson were all sitting around, like, eating lunch. Well, not at one point, but on multiple occasions before any. Anything was going on. And it was weird that all three of us would go on to have late night TV shows. There's a couple of probably a few guys at the table next to us that had the same thing going on, but it was a. It was. It was a pretty. It was pretty.

[Mike Lynch]

Neither Kilborn and yeah, Frank Ferguson is

[Allison Rosen]

next to you, Arsenio.

[Adam Carolla]

It was pretty Crazy. I mean, percentage wise, but that's the magic of Jimmy Kimmel, everybody. All right, shall we?

[Allison Rosen]

There you all are.

[Adam Carolla]

There we all are. I think we're at three guys, two hats. I think we're at super bowl whatever in San Diego when. And I think that's when Tampa kicked the shit out of Oakland. No, no.

[Mike Lynch]

Well, I'm pretty sure that was the year Kimmel debuted because. Yeah, this is like a week before.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is a couple days before.

[Mike Lynch]

Okay. The night of the game he premiered.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we were there that weekend. And then we, and then we, then we went. That's all right. Dustin.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Dustin?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Hey, man. Love the show. Just pre ordered the book and also click through. So that's two for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, love you. Now what's worse, Dustin or Dusty?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Dustin.

[Adam Carolla]

That's worse.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Oh, no, Dusty is worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Dusty's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Just, just regular Dustin. That's fine. So, heavyset Korean gal lives next to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Dusty Labia was my, was my, my handle when I used to do AM mornings. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. What's that?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Yeah, sorry. She's sort of always perpetually working out but not making much progress. So she's got the sweatpants sweat and at a certain point just decides that she's going to go ahead and keep us up all hours the night by doing what I can only assume is a hip thrust into a bookcase or a dresser or something and just pounds on the walls to start knocking pictures and stuff off of it.

[Adam Carolla]

At least, at least that's crazy. Like I. It's weird, but I don't mind the crazy people. I mind the sane people who should know better and don't stop themselves.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

No, no, no. It, it did worse. So I went over there and asked, you know, what's going on here? And she said it was retal because we were slamming toilet seats too loud.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

So I went and got the slam proof toilet seats and thought, okay, end of issue. Smash cut to the Humane Society showing up on my door because my dog didn't have tags. We just moved up to Bellingham, Washington and no dog tags. So get the ticket, get all that taken care of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

And then the police start showing up because apparently I stole a bird bath out of her backyard. It's.

[Allison Rosen]

Why do you do it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's exactly.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

That's what I said.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did I. I don't feel like. I feel like birds must shower more now cuz the bird bath thing's gone the way the dodo. Pardon the pun.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thanks, Dusty. Appreciate it. I.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just how bird showers.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of. I. Again, my fancy is to get all the fucked up people and all the crazy people and all the assholes to call the cops. And like I said, I had the old guy who was calling Department of Building Safety because my hedge was too high and then checking unsanitary living conditions and all that kind of stuff. Oh. First off, bottom line, what's in it for you to fuck with your neighbor and or me? Like you really want to fuck with the rich guy with a garage full of tools and a head full of

[Allison Rosen]

know how admitting you're doing something because you are seeking revenge is a special kind of craziness?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, that baffles me. The person who actually sets out to seek revenge and will tell you about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, yes. I. God, I hate my fucking old dick neighbor guy. Really? I'm telling you, I thought his house was on fire and said, fuck it. I hate the guy so much.

[Allison Rosen]

What if something happened to him?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give a fuck. He's an old guy and he's an asshole. He drew first blood and I fucking hate him. He's just a fucking asshole. He's just a weird, angry douchebag. And I resent. You know what I resent There. There's only so many hours in everyone's lifetime, and this old angry death douche ate up a certain amount of mine, and I can't get them back. And I resent it. You know what I'm saying? Like, my wife was saying, why don't you coach the kids whatever today? And I said, because I. I don't want to go down and get fingerprinted and get. You know, get my fucking retinal scan and all this to show I'm not a molester. I don't have any history of being a molester. Go on fucking online and find out if I'm a molester or not. When nothing shows up, then fine. And she's like, oh, just do it for the kids, you know? And we started getting in this argument about it, and I was, like, halfway thinking about it, and then I thought, look, if I can get Jay or somebody to forge the paperwork and do whatever, I'll happily do it. Like, I'm just not wasting. You know that thing where people go. Just go down and do it anyway and come back anyway. It's literally like if someone said, just walk in a circle for 20 minutes until you pass out. And you're like, why?

[Allison Rosen]

I Did that at the gym today.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they go, why? And they're like, just do it. And you're like, why, though?

[Allison Rosen]

It's not gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, that's what the entire TSA has come to. Just take your belt off. Why? Just take your shoes off. Just dump your bottled water out. And it's like, at a certain point, we all need to say, why.

[Allison Rosen]

No. I had a thing where the. I was getting a prescription filled, and my insurance, they typed it in wrong and they couldn't get it to go through and blah, blah, blah. So I just paid cash for it. And then I called my insurance and, like, you have to go back. And then I went back, and I was standing there dealing with these people who this was an especially stupid pharmacy. And it's like, oh, I could do it. But then I had to go stand in that line over there and then come back. And then finally, I just asked for my insurance card back. And I said, you know what? Forget it, because I'm in. This whole thing is going to take forever, and I'm going to save, like, I don't know, $6, $10.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if it's not worth it, that's the whole thing. Your life comes down to X amount of hours. If you make it to 85, you get more hours. If you make it to 35, you get less hours, you make it to 15, you get less than that. And then it comes down to sort of an hourly rate. I mean, if somebody said, hey, I'd like to employ you. How about $2 an hour? Don't answer. I know it sounded good. How about 80 cents an hour? Sorry. Sorry, Bad example. Bad example. Dawson. What if I said I wanted to pay you $2 an hour? Be like, okay, cool, dude. Okay, wrong group. Anyway, point is this. If someone said to me, I'll pay you $5 an hour, I would say, not enough. Not enough for my time. That's why they have golden time on the weekends. Because, hey, that's my Saturday. You're gonna have to pay me time and a half or twice as much. It's a weekend. So whether we like it or not, and whether you want to agree with it or not, you do sort of come down to an hourly wage in your own weird way. And ask any millionaire who's on their deathbed if they would pay $10,000 an hour to hang out for another two years, they'd pay it. So your life sort of comes down to a is it worth it?

[Allison Rosen]

That'd be a great racket. Yeah, we should Shake down millionaires for their last couple years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, first we have to get. We'll get Dr. Bruce to go along with it. If he's desperate, he'll do anything. He's like, mikey, Point is this when the asshole dickhead old neighbor calls me over for the third meeting and calls building and safety for the fifth time and sets court dates up for me to go downtown to discuss said hedge, which I told him, which, by the way, I never fucking go to. I mean, I just said, fuck it. I told those guys, I'll go fucking Ruby Ridge on your ass. Before I go downtown. I'm not going fucking down there and waste my time because I got a great. And we have a system in place where crazy people get to stop working people from going to work because they're insane and angry and weird and fucked up and bitter. So I said, I'm not. You know, there's a court date that's three years old. I never went to it. I'm not fucking going down and talking about a fucking ficus tree in the middle of the fucking day. So I told him, you know, tell my gardener to fucking cut it or cut it yourself. I don't give a shit. Leave me alone. He has used up a fair bit of my life. And considering I make a pretty good hourly wage, I'm fucking. And we should all be that. All those people, including the TSA or the system that put that in place, who fucking slowly eroded and wasted our life. I mean, we all know the. Oh, how was your four days in Maui? Oh, it was beautiful. How was your hour in the dentist chair? It was horrible. I mean, that's basically what life works out to be. Is it good? Is it bad?

[Allison Rosen]

So let me ask a question, though, because I'm the person who in the middle of the night will be frustrated by the fact that I can hear really loud music across the way. I'm talking about the middle of the night, though. So what are the parameters for. And I actually never personally called the cops, but I've wanted to.

[Adam Carolla]

What are the parameters? I think if you're reasonable, if you're a reasonable person. I tell people all the time where they go, like, I just, I feel like, blah, blah, or I feel like I should say something, but I don't. And I just go, look, are you a reasonable person or aren't you a reasonable person? And if the answer is, I'm a reasonable person, I'm a fair minded person. I can look at things and I don't externalize or internalize Everything. I can just objectively look at things. If that's how you're wired, then if you think it's a good idea to call the cops, the cops should be called because you're a reasonable person. And it's a weeknight and it's now 2:30 in the morning and it's way too loud. But if the sun is overhead and it's a Saturday and you're going for the phone, then you're not a reasonable person. But you, of course, would never do that because you're a reasonable person. So because you err on the side of others and you're a reasonable person, if you think it's a good idea to call the cops, then it is, because there is no.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no hard blanche to be an asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no hard fast rule, all right? I never have called the cops and will never call the cops. And I just put in more cotton in my ears and crank up the ceiling fan and fucking go to bed.

[Mike Lynch]

Speaking of neighbors and cops, in my last place, my neighbors upstairs were a married couple with a kid. And it was a typical, you know, everyone has horror stories. The neighbors fighting and screaming and throwing pans. But one day the cops showed up upstairs and they lit the top of a concrete and stucco hallway. So everything that was talked about in said hall, it was amplified down to my apartment. And the cop was like, are you. He asked the guy, are you such and such. It was a very Irish, very Anglo name. And this guy was neither Irish nor Anglo. He was like, well, what is. What is? And he's like, are you Ian McCrary? He's like, yes, that is me. Yes. And he's like, there's a lot of. I'm here because there's a lot of mail coming to this address marked for different people. And apparently cops have to come and investigate when I think it's a Homeland Security thing. So they came and they investigated, and the guy did. Made the crucial mistake which makes, you know, he's shady. He was like, I. I do not feel comfortable answering your questions. He's like, I'm just asking who you are and who that mail is for. He's like, I don't feel. I don't want to answer. And it was super shady. And the cop, as far as I know, at least when I was home, never came back. But he was right there. And I was like, this is a shady dude, and we got to get out of here as fast as we can. And that's when we bought the house. And later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night. He was like, leaned out of his window, goes, what is going on? What is like, you haven't paid your car, you can call this number and blah, blah, blah. They took his car in the middle of the night.

[Adam Carolla]

See, honestly, you need to buy something.

[Allison Rosen]

I would love to.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of falsifying mail. Stamps.com?

[Mike Lynch]

how do you use stamps.com? the cops never would have known.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's what we call a tell. When you don't use stamps.com, use stamps.com. that's what you should do. You can print official US postage at home. Sorry. At your apartment box that you rent in. Yes. They'll give you a digital scale. You plug it into your computer, you start weighing crap, and it comes up on your computer screen. This would be the greatest drinking game ever.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it would.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think that thimble weighs? I don't know, but there's a shot of Jaeger riding on it. It'd be fun.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I could amuse myself with this. And it'll print out. It'll tell you exactly what the weight is, and it'll print out exact postage to the penny. I love it because I'm always the guy who puts on way too many stamps because I'm freaked out. They got a special offer, they got a no risk trial. They get the digital scale, you get 55 bucks free postage. Only if you use a promo code Adam. By the way, tell them Adam sends you. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone in the top and hit the home page there and type in Adam. That is stamps.com. such a great business. Stamps.com and promo code Adam. All right, real quick, couple more calls and then we'll bring in Miha. Hey, John. John. I don't know what's wrong with this phone thing. And then at some point, Gary goes and turns a knob. Hey, John.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Hey, Adam. Big fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, John. Thank you, buddy. What's going on?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Oh, not too much. Hey, bald Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, John.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

So, senior year of college, University of Illinois had a terrible first floor apartment with three of my buddies. Directly above us were four exceptionally curvy

[Adam Carolla]

young ladies, nursing students.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is right around the time

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

when the Taebo craze sure got really big billet blanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so every day at 5 o',

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

clock, they'd get their Taebo on, and it was literally like an earthquake. Stuff would fall off the walls. We'd scurry for the doorway.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's a novelty sort of fun. That's not crazy guy with the false identity getting his car repossessed.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

It's not. But we actually were the crazy people who got revenge because we had talked to them about, you know, hey, you know, the fitness center's awfully nice, a lot of cute guys there.

[Adam Carolla]

But that didn't work.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

So what we did is we took a tall kitchen trash can and we left it on our back porch and we began using it as an ashtray urinal for about a month. And then one day about 4am we took it upstairs, leaned it against the door. The doors entered in.

[Adam Carolla]

They were no longer a problem. Oh, boy. Listen, I like fecal and urine talk, but even this has crossed the line for the ace, man. So when they open the door, you

[Allison Rosen]

can't beat off to this tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

I can try.

[Allison Rosen]

So you flushed them out with urine is what you're saying? You flushed out the fat girls who were just trying to get fit?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

We did, yeah. And again, the smallest one was about 165. The largest was about 230. We tried to be nice, we really did.

[Adam Carolla]

They opened the door and they got,

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

they had to listen to urine.

[Adam Carolla]

They got the yellow rain. Interesting. I. We got one more call here, Jordan from Wisconsin. We had. I don't know, it's all going through my head because of this book thing now. But you know, we had our downstairs, the guy managed our apartment named Al. And it was always funny because he was like, you know, 50, you know. Well, you've seen Al. Yeah, Lord of Flatbush over there. And Al always cracked us up because, you know, we're like 19 or 20. We had chicks over all the time. And he was always like, hey, I bet you send a few of those chicks downstairs and then hang out with me there, Sal. But I was always like. I always thought, how would that conversation where. Hey, Tammy, Sharon, come here. I need you to suck off our 61 year old guy downstairs. The horn rim glasses in the pomade.

[Mike Lynch]

Let's go at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he said send a couple. One of you can drop a digit on him while the other sucks him off. But anyway, let's get going.

[Mike Lynch]

That sounds more reasonable for it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's important that we, you know, we keep things right with Al. Hey, Jordan.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Hey, what's up, baseman?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Jordan?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Not too much. Hello. It's an honor to be on the show. Hello to Allison, hello to Bob, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Jordan.

[Adam Carolla]

Great to have you. What's up?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Yeah, I don't know if you're gonna like my story too much because it's doesn't involve the cops getting called on me. But hopefully I can entertain you somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

Please. So far, it's been disappointing to a

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

single mom of three, so that kind of leads to problems. You know, you go through the natural things like the kids leaving the bike at the end of the driveway, the kids crawling around on the. The front porch steps and stuff like that. You know, baby daddy coming in and out at all hours of the nights.

[David Wilde]

Sure.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

On his what I. What My girlfriend, I like to call his schmarly. Which is a bike with a motor on it. Not like a moped, but an actual Schwinn bicycle with motor attack.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

And the kicker, though is, you know, our property lines are pretty close, so every other weekend, I'd say in the summer, she puts up this bouncy castle house, which is like something straight out of a pedophile's handbook on how to attract kids. So about 10ft outside of our kitchen window and our dinette window in the summers, we have to put up with this gigantic bounty house. And it's probably no joke, about half the size of her little house.

[Adam Carolla]

And does it just stay up for months on end?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

It doesn't. They actually have the courtesy to take it down, but then they put it back up every weekend. So we gotta deal with, like, that's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's not. They take it down and put it back up.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it blocking his view of barbed wire? What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if they. They're not that bad. If they take it down and put it back up. But who do they know? They must have some sort of connection

[Allison Rosen]

at the emporium of bouncy houses.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like somebody. I wonder if people knew Jeffrey. Toys R Uster out hundreds of years ago. I wonder if people, like, made a decree that one day these castles shall be inflatable and for all peasant and surf alike to enjoy with their shoes off. And no smoking, by the way, how out of touch do you have to be in there in a pair of wingtips like a lit Tiparillo? Like, what? What's the problem?

[Allison Rosen]

These soccer cleats.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I didn't see any sign that said I couldn't smoke in with these toddlers. What's up? What do you mean? I can't smoke while I'm jumping, By the way, even the hardest core smokers don't want to smoke when they're four feet off the ground.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're a Big time smoker. You ain't hanging in the bouncy castle. I love the. The shock and disappointment. What I can't light up in here.

[Mike Lynch]

What's next?

[Adam Carolla]

Man is not king of his own inflatable castle. Yeah. All right. De la Pena. Adam de la Pena. You know him as Mijo. Maybe we'll go through the Mijos with de La Pena. 01 Media Center. These guys are great. They're specialists. They help out Ball Bryan. They help us out. They hook us up with our computers. We got our new studio over here. They're buffing us out. We're gonna. We're cutting that ribbon any day now. And it's because of 01 Media Center. They've helped us out with so much equipment and so much. And if you're thinking about starting a podcast or you want to. Let's just say you want to make a little short a movie. Whatever you need editing equipment. You need your computer souped up for editing. They did our computer. They souped us up, made us a computer for editing. Anything you want to do it is 01 Media center, founded by post production pros, not amateurs pros. And building custom computers for TV and radio and films for over 15 years. Apple certified technicians available for your computer repair. And they do the remote tech thing. I told you. I got to my computer and the mouse was moving around. I started chasing it like a cat. Pawing at the screen, swatting at it. But it evaded me this time. 310-651-8488. You don't have to be in town to call these guys and be out of town. They'll help you out. And they can do the remote tech support. They did it for us.01mediacenter.com 01mediacenter.com all right. Gonna be the uptown theater coming up this March 30th in Kansas City, Lincoln, Nebraska. Coming up, Dennis Prager. Ooh, ooh. Adam Mijo De la Pena in studio. New series, your Dungeon, My Dragon Watch exclusively on Xbox live [e-mail] Code Monkeys is one of the. One of the brainchilds of De la Pena. Also, Bobby Fletcher from Cranky, Anchor Spoony Love from up above. So one of the. His milestones as well. Oh, we go way back. What were you. Were you my writing assistant? What was your title your first year at the man show?

[Adam De La Pena]

My title was junior writer.

[Adam Carolla]

Junior writer.

[Adam De La Pena]

And I was. I guess I was just supposed to write with you, and I didn't know that. I really didn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

It was just A job.

[Adam De La Pena]

So it sounded fantastic. Whatever. And then I knew, obviously, you and Jimmy from everything else you had done. So it was like I didn't care what you guys wanted me to do.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, what made you decide? I know you're a big Magnum, PI Fan. Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

By the way, you had Fred Dreier on Freddie Dreyer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam De La Pena]

The fact that you didn't split that 5050 between Hunter and football is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted to talk more football, but you made us Hawaiian shirts. Yeah. Partially from scratch. You sewed them from scratch. Based.

[Adam De La Pena]

Man of my word.

[Adam Carolla]

Based on your love of Magnum PI I'm guessing we were really impressed by the fact that you did that. It's a pretty. It's. You know, I. You don't have that much time to make a decision when you're hiring people, and it's not. I mean, sure, we needed a Mexican on the staff, but there are other folks we were looking at.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And we based a lot of it on the fact that he made us shirts.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And we like that. He came in and he made a shirt.

[Allison Rosen]

Had you made shirts before?

[Adam De La Pena]

Yes, I had made. I. Actually, the way it came up was Jimmy said, nice Hawaiian shirt. And I said, I made it. And then he's like, hold on. Let's talk about that for a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Did we ask you who you liked better or who you thought was funnier? That was one of our ploys.

[Adam De La Pena]

No, the weird ploy was that it was. You came out of the first interview, and you're just like, oh, yeah. You're interview writer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

I'm Adam. See ya. And I was like, well, he's gone. That's great. And then you came back in later on, but Bobcat was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. He was directing.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yes. And it was very odd to see Bobcat go uthwait, and nobody ever mentioned what he was doing there or where. Just kind of sitting in the corner. And then Jimmy and Daniel firing questions at me. That was kind of off putting. Just trying to not stare at Bobcat.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I would just come up to your little office and lay on the floor. Usually.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Recall laying on the floor and talking to you about ideas I had ideas

[Adam De La Pena]

you had, and then we type them up. You like to use a lot of music in your ideas. If it was a sketch, you had very specific musical taste. And I remember one time we wrote a bunch of stuff, this musical thing. We were doing whatever. And Jimmy came up, he said, hey, congratulations, guys. You wrote a $30,000 sketch, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Couldn't clue the music. Maybe it was retro rock and rock. I can't remember. Somebody find retro rock and rock. I don't know why, but it was a bit. Jimmy always hated it and I don't think Daniel liked it either. But I just want to do one of those parodies of one of those 70s commercials where they sold the compilation. And it was all. All the songs were about devil women and trucking. Yeah, trucking and, you know, rambling and then we just. And whiskey drinking and we just ended up combining all. All of them. Music today. I just don't get it. Hey, I'm Adam Carolla. You know, in my day, rock and roll wasn't about boy bands or this robot crap. Our songs were about drinking and brawling and rambling. You're not gonna find these lost treasures on the radio, but you will find them here. Pure retro rockin rock. 26 songs that rock so hard you'll think you died and went to hell. Songs about Whiskey. Mountain, I don't care what my woman thinks, I'm drunk. Chick vomiting. And songs about hard living, hard loving women, And whatever happened to Ramblin. Eighteen Wheels are rolling, One more not to cry Cajun, Whiskey Rams and Devil Green from New Orleans. Pure retro rock and rock. It's a 10 on the rock scale. Pure retro rock and rock from the low, low price of 19.99 for CD, 1299 for excess order now. Pure retro rock and rock because life's too short not to live in the past. Yep, yeah. Gonna pick you up my pickup truck drive you to hell. Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

Heady times.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe Kimmel was right. So Miho got into the world. Well, maybe Crank Yankers was your first entree into this sort of non live. Oh, well, there was a mean Gary Busey. Forgot about that. Yeah, did.

[Adam De La Pena]

I'm with Busey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm with Busey for Comedy Central for a couple seasons. How do you expect Gary's head injury is affecting his behavior. Ah, Drew, how nutty is he?

[Adam De La Pena]

He is. He is probably one of the most. Like, we would ask him to do stuff and it was crazy stuff. And he was like, I have a better idea. And his ideas were already crazier than

[Adam Carolla]

we could even think of.

[Adam De La Pena]

Just fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

And every time you want to announce he's crazy, he pulls out some sort of acronym that you could never come up with and then spits it out.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, it's like he calls them Busey isms.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's all. It's like when the guy's a crazy homeless guy. But he can rap about anything. And it's like, wait a minute. Are you smarter than me or you? Like, what? What. What's going on? Like, Busey's weird because he's not dodo out of it. He's full blown nuts. But if you ever corner him verbally, he'll. He'll cut you to pieces. Right?

[Adam De La Pena]

He had this. I remember one time we were doing the scene out on his balcony, which happens. There's like, you know, a giant precipice, basically. And we had this thing where we were going to essentially go over, and Gary was like, you know what? I want this to be realistic. I want to rig the ropes and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam De La Pena]

I was like, who rigged these? And they were like, yeah, Gary did it.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary did it.

[Adam De La Pena]

And he was. Oddly enough, that's another scene that we did with Lou Ferrigno.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Adam De La Pena]

Lou Ferrigno was. Was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet Lou.

[Adam De La Pena]

And Gary was like. He's like, hey, let's. It'd be funny if we held you over the railing here and me and Lou grab. You grab him, Lou. And he's like, we can do this. And because Gary loves to improvise. And he.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Adam De La Pena]

Lou grabs me and shaking me. And then, you know, we stop the scene. And then Lou comes up to me and goes, I almost dropped you. I lost it there for a second.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, what are you.

[Angie]

Really?

[Adam De La Pena]

He's like, yeah, I only had your ankle. Just so you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're not a flyweight Mehl.

[Adam De La Pena]

Good times, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Your wife Gretchen, right?

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Still singing opera, Still.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, still singing opera.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy. She's got an opera singing wife.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Where does she ply her trade?

[Adam Carolla]

She does it for a living, right? Everywhere. Please. That's interesting. I wouldn't want to fight with her, but that's still pretty cool.

[Allison Rosen]

That's cool. Does she practice all the time around you?

[Adam De La Pena]

Tries not to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but she.

[Adam De La Pena]

Too much.

[Adam Carolla]

She works, right?

[Adam De La Pena]

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's always amazing when somebody has like, a trade like that where you're like, you know, like, I like magic. I do not work as a magician.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You know, do you. Do you drive yet?

[Adam De La Pena]

No, I don't drive.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't drive?

[Adam De La Pena]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny because most Mexicans in this town don't have driver's license but drive anyway. Mm. You. You probably have a license and don't drive.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, I just never interested me. Just seemed like a lot of work.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot.

[Adam De La Pena]

A lot of paperwork.

[Adam Carolla]

Take the bus to the man show every day.

[Adam De La Pena]

I would take the bus to the man Show.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't live that close to the man show.

[Adam De La Pena]

No, but it was on a perfect bus route. It was on. It was off of Santa Monica. So I just got off the bus and went. Went on it. But then Carolla pointed out that I was going home really late and I was gonna be rolled with all the laptop that I had one day. And he, you know, wish me well. He's like, I won't be surprised if you show up. And somebody's like, hey, Adam's not working here. He was killed on the bus.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have a $1,200 laptop and you're sitting on a bus. I like the buses that have the huge forks sticking out front for the five mountain bikes. I always think to myself, how bad can it get in the transportation department? You're driving a fucking huffy to the bus stop. Once you're on the bike, stay on it and get to work. In which case you'll be a winner.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Or 3.

[Adam Carolla]

Trade in the bike for a car, but don't ride the bike to the bus. And then we gotta hook the bike up to your bus.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't like the idea of having to take one form of transportation to another form of transportation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Especially when they're both super low rent pieces of transportation. I can't remember where the hell I was. I was in. I was watching them film something or do something. I'll figure it out for a second. But one of the prizes they were giving was a gray. Oh, I was at the Harlem Globetrotters game at the Staples center. And one of the giveaways, like, if you could shoot the half court shot or something, was a Greyhound bus ride anywhere, meaning, hey, you could go from here to Cleveland on A. Only 12 days to get to Cleveland. And I just thought, what the fuck kind of torture is this? And everyone who rides a bus should be arrested anyway because more than eight miles. Because if you're taking a bus from, like, LA to Pittsburgh, A, it means you have nine days to kill on the road. B, it means you're semi retarded and possibly criminally insane. Because in the day and age when you can hop a Southwest flight for $181 and the bus is $214, except the flight takes the entire. The ride takes the entire week. What the fuck is going on?

[Adam De La Pena]

I like the crazy people that. That played off like it's, hey, how'd you get here? Did you fly? No, no, I took the bus, man. It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you crazy? I saw the country, the Folks that can't afford. Like, the thing about the difference, I swear to you, la to Chicago on a bus is $7 cheaper than it is on a flight. The flight is four hours and ten minutes. The bus is four days. Yes, with homicidal guys that were just let out of prison and a rolling bucket of shit that's attached to the bus. And for some reason, that seems like a better way to go.

[Adam De La Pena]

The bus makes several stops along the way that you could be murdered at and might not get back on the plane. Doesn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mike Lynch]

You're right about arresting everyone on the bus. Because the only reason to take the bus now over a plane is to avoid being screened by Homeland Security.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mike Lynch]

Like avoid getting detected on a list.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[Mike Lynch]

So arrest them. How's the middleman?

[Adam Carolla]

It's real easy. It's just. You just walk in there and you just go, federal Marshal. And everyone starts jumping out the window. And everyone that jumps out the window gets arrested.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the way bus driver wouldn't even notice.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna do it. When I'm in charge, I'm gonna do that at every bar in Alaska.

[Adam De La Pena]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Just have guy walk in atf and just everyone who jumps out the window because you go to Alaska to avoid child support payments, warrants, whatever. Whatever it is, there's a story to be a man. Like men should live. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw Northern Exposure de la Pena in Studio Mija. Now, do you remember the three original Mijos?

[Adam De La Pena]

I do remember the three original Mijos.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the origin of that, other than killing time in the writers room?

[Adam De La Pena]

Well, the origin was that when you would come up to write with me, instead of asking I was there, you would just scream that. Yes. And then you got very excited that I told you. I'm like, you know, my grandmother really calls me that. And you were very, very excited. And then one day you came up with in the three Mijos, basically. And then you, you know, you just kind of kept going with it.

[Adam Carolla]

We franchised. Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

You franchised it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, public demand. People want more mihos and we can't satisfy them. We're up to about six now. Yeah, yeah. It's never pretty, but I was. I forgot the part where your grandmother called you Miho. And that was.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, that was. Yeah. I've never seen you so excited. You had been doing it for months, and I was like, you know, my grandmother really calls me, like, no way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had a weird moment. Maybe you can help Me out with this. I was out at the racetrack a couple days ago and I was talking to one of the Latina starlets who I'm doing the celebrity race with, but I can't recall her name. But I don't know. I'll figure it out. But she was speaking in Spanish, and we're talking about weather, and we're talking about, like, caliente. Okay, it's hot. Caliente. I said, but what do you guys got for warm? And she's like, caliente. And I'm like, no, that's hot. What do you got for warm? We don't have warm. And I was like, you guys don't have a warm? And she's like, well, cal. We got sort of caliente. And then not so caliente. And I'm like, but you don't have a warm. Like, we have a. You know, when it's 115 degrees in Phoenix, it's fucking hot. But then when it's 78 degrees, it's warm. Like, if you're in a movie theater and it's 75 degrees, it's warm. But it's like, we don't. It's not caliente. It's not on fire. But she's like, we don't have a warm. And it's bothered me.

[Adam De La Pena]

The language of extremes.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, why don't you have a warm? How lazy can you be linguistically not to have a warm? And then I got home and I talked to my nanny and she spoke Spanish. She said, we have a warm. Like you. Just defending this bitch. You really got something.

[Adam De La Pena]

So. So you're gonna get into with her?

[Adam Carolla]

I got into it with her, but she. Evidently, they have a warm. Do you have a warm, miha?

[Adam De La Pena]

Do I have a warm?

[Adam Carolla]

M. It's warm. No, but, you know, is it. You know you speak Spanish, right?

[Adam De La Pena]

Not that well.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck out of here. But you understood when grandma called you mijo? Yeah. Okay.

[Adam De La Pena]

Because it was over and over again. And then when you called mijos then turned into this creepy thing, grown man.

[Adam Carolla]

The part I always like is when I miss it. When I used to work with a lot of the Latins and I'd call them, on rare occasion, I'd call Roberto or Alvaro in the middle on a, you know, eight o', clock, and was always some chick answering the phone with a weird sense of panic in their voice. Is Alvaro there? No. No. Oh, yeah, Forgot. It started with who? That was the first one. That's the first one. They're buying some diamond. That's where it came from. Yeah, hey, can I speak to Alvaro? Yeah. Okay. First off department is 400 square feet. And there's. You've been living with this dude named Alvaro for nine years. So who should not be the first words out of your mouth? And then I'd go, alvaro. No, no. You know, and it's like, all right, all right. Always pictured a guy with the fucking 44 under his chin going, listen, old bitch, you fucking say a word now for us taking a slug, you'll never speak to him again. I always wonder whether I think part of it's just a little bit of who. Who knows who's calling?

[Mike Lynch]

Well, we had a caller call into the radio show, the morning show back in the day. Hispanic guy was like, oh, the women do that to buy time. Oh, like, do you want to talk on the phone? They're doing the do you want to talk on the phone?

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's what he told me. I think that's what it is. Adam de la Pena, your dungeon, My Dragon. Exclusively on Xbox Live and msn dot com. What kind of animation is this? Oh, we're looking at it now.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah. So it's a 16 bit animation like the old Nintendo games. And basically it's this thing that I did where I was kind of tired of. I just wanted to figure out how to make something.

[Adam Carolla]

Not having a job.

[Adam De La Pena]

No, I was tired of working for the man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

Now I work for myself.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to suck up to me and Kimmel anymore.

[Adam De La Pena]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing his own thing.

[Adam De La Pena]

A man can only do that so long.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, Me coming up paid handsomely. Sweatpants and flip flops. And laying on his floor complaining.

[Adam De La Pena]

Jimmy reminded me, listen, I know you and Adam are having a good time up here, but I hired you. Crolla wasn't involved in that.

[Adam Carolla]

He looked at me as part of the trouble. Part of the troublemakers. Because the writers were up on the third floor having connect four tournaments and getting Josh to do Deaf frat guy. Yeah, you gotta clean those pumpkins up. Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

I remember one time Josh was. He was asleep in his office. He had these smaller offices that actually had doors. And one of the producers, Daniel, comes up, he goes, where's Josh? And we're like, we don't know. We actually didn't know. And Daniel opens the door and he hits something. And Josh was asleep on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

And Josh is like, oh, Daniel, come on. A little, little, little piece here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a good jazzle.

[Adam De La Pena]

And. Yeah. And then, you know Poor Jimmy would come up and there'd be Connect four tournaments. And Adam would be like, I don't know. These guys just started doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy, I came up to do some work. Yeah. I didn't know how to play Connect four. Don't blame me. All right. Should we do a little news, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the news with Allison Rosen? She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison, mijo. You know, if you had a car, you'd go to autoshepperd.com and get your parts. I would.

[Mike Lynch]

No reason you can't still go there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's so far true. Yeah, you could go to autoshepherd.com they got a little $100 shopping spree up until the end of March, by the way. March 31st it is. It's a big, fat, long month, and we're giving away money all month long. You just go to autoshepherd.com contest and you can get a hundred bucks worth of yummy, yummy car stuff. They're saving you money on exhaust systems and mufflers to cat back systems. Allison, she learned what a catback is.

[Allison Rosen]

It has to do with catalytic converter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's short for catalytic converter. That's right behind the catalytic converter. Whether you need the brake pads or rotors, whatever you need, alternators, belts, whatever you like. It's all there. It's autoshepd.com where we get all our stuff. Autoshepherd.com and they got the free shipping on orders. Over 50 bucks. Good people, good sponsors bring donuts. Park outside our parking lot. Very courteous autoshepherd.com contest. Let's show a little love to our sponsors. Go ahead, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

A 7.4 magnitude earthquake hit Southern Mexico on Tuesday, one of the strongest hit Mexico since the deadly 1985 quake that killed thousands in Mexico City. Tuesday's earthquake hit hardest in the border area of southern Oaxaca. It looks like Osaka, but it's Oaxaca and the Guerrero states, where about 800 homes were damaged and 60 collapsed hours after the shaking. At noon local time, there were still no reports of death or serious injury, even after a less powerful magnitude 5.1 aftershock was felt in the Capitol and several other aftershocks near the epicenter in a mountainous rural region.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Allison Rosen]

So yeah, luckily no one was hurt. But that's a huge quake.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, usually. And maybe it's because the other quakes flattened everything out or somebody figured something out. But the problem is concrete and unreinforced concrete and even reinforced concrete. It's all just about. If you guys picture, they just don't have enough wood over there. When you drive through Mexico, you'll see a lot of like half built cinder block, whatevers. Everything is cinder block and concrete block and concrete. Some of it has rebar in it. But if you just picture. If anyone's ever done demo, we frame everything here, or a lot of the buildings. At least, at least the single family stuff, it's all framed out of wood. And then we put shear wall on the outside of it with either half inch plywood or osb, that oriented strand board. And then we nail the shit out of it with the ten penny ring shank nails. Try. This is amazing. Try to tear that apart. One day I'll give you a claw hammer and you tell me if you can tear that apart.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

You cannot.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh damn.

[Adam Carolla]

You cannot. You cannot tear it. You can't tear it. It's like, like it's the difference between, you know, kids packaging and matzah. I'm going Jew on you. But it's brittle. Concrete is brittle. And the kids stuff just bends and bends and bends, but it never breaks. The wood, the plywood, the lath, the stucco just bends and bends. But the blocks, they just fall over. And the concrete, they just crack and come undone.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's a retarded construction question for you. Yes, in my home, trying to hang up pictures, sometimes when I drive the nail into the wall, everything just crumbles. But sometimes it goes in. How do you tell from knocking on it ahead of time where to put the nail in?

[Adam Carolla]

Studs are 16 inches on center. That means if you find one, the center of the next one is 16 inches. You can use your index finger and you can tap and it'll go like, No, when you get in the bay it'll go. And when you get on a stud, it'll go, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. I can do it on almost any wall. And you'll find the stud, you can pretty much pinpoint it. And then once you find that stud, the other one is 16 inches over. From that on center, the bay is 14 and a half inches because the studs are inch and a half thick. And if you do the math, that's what it is. But masonry, it's why in an earthquake in the valley here, all the. All the chimneys. The brick chimneys will fall off, but the house will be fine. It's the masonry that falls apart.

[Adam De La Pena]

Thank God for those building codes.

[Adam Carolla]

So these places. Don't get me started. These places that have tons of masonry and not big force like we have with tons of wood, those are the countries that fall apart. They don't have the steel, they don't have the wood. They just have a bunch of unreinforced masonry. But this doesn't seem like as many people were hurt as should have been.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe the drug cartels killed him first. Like, maybe the drug cartels killed everyone earlier that day. And then the earthquake hit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? They're like, bring it, Earthquake.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, not really, but you know what I'm saying, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Yeah. A pedestrian bridge collapsed on an empty transit bus. How lucky is that?

[Adam Carolla]

A bus and no Mexicans in it.

[Allison Rosen]

Correct. It was empty.

[Adam Carolla]

Insane. Must have been an INS raid moments earlier. In other, Miho would have been on that bus. There is no bigotry here.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you not hate people all the time riding the bus?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Don't you learn?

[Adam De La Pena]

Oh, I don't ride the bus anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you have someone drive you around? Gretchen drives you around?

[Adam De La Pena]

No, I was just driving me around.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, nice.

[Allison Rosen]

I should have realized you're dressed way too nice.

[Mike Lynch]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that your assistant out there?

[Adam De La Pena]

No, that's my friend out there. I have an assistant normally.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

I found these. You get more successful. You go way more eccentric. Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be bad because you're not that old.

[Allison Rosen]

At what point did you realize you could have an assistant drive you around?

[Adam De La Pena]

When I had a bunch of my own TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What do you do, though, when you're. When it's, you know, with the weekend. Oh, I guess that's wife time, right?

[Adam De La Pena]

No, when I. On the weekend. On the weekend, I just sit in my office. I don't do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Adam De La Pena]

I don't like going places, like, obviously, you know, so a mass transit.

[Adam Carolla]

I live.

[Adam De La Pena]

When I was. When I look for places to live, I. People think that I'm looking for, like, an elderly person. I'm like, oh, the market's close.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam De La Pena]

You know, the movies are just.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's a nice little shuffle too, right?

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah. So that's. That's pretty much it.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to get on the atom plan because I'm tired of driving myself around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Adam De La Pena]

The best thing is when you sit and next to, you know, your assistant or somebody's driving around your friend and they're like, I can't believe you don't drive.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate this. This is bullshit.

[Adam De La Pena]

And they get really aggravated. You're like, yeah, I don't know why I'd want to drive. This seems horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have to provide their car for them? No, you got to chip in for mileage. Autochepherd.com all right, all right.

[Allison Rosen]

A Florida grand jury will hear evidence next month in the fatal shooting of an unarmed black Florida teenager by a neighborhood watch volunteer. The Feb. 26 shooting of Trayvon Martin, which has set off a national outcry, is also being investigated by the Justice Department. 17 year old Trayvon, the guy on the left, was shot as he was walking to the home of his father's girlfriend from a convenience store where he'd purchased Skittles and iced tea. He was unarmed. 28 year old George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer, told police he shot Trayvon in self defense.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they loud? Who gets control over these pictures? Because just I've seen it on the news a million times. Just from the picture alone, it'd be like guilty. But I feel if you, like if you had one of Trayvon throwing a gang sign and he had one of him with his daughter at a barbecue, it'd be not guilty.

[Allison Rosen]

You would think that.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do they provide? Where do they get these pictures? Like Trevor, the guy who shot him, looks like he wanting to shoot somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's the thing. In this case, if you see a bunch of pictures, they all look like this. Like it was. Yeah, it's a, it's a very sad story, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Looks like minus his nose looks like Michael Jordan. If you hold your finger up, you do that move. I do it with Sarah Jessica Parker when I beat off, you do that move where you hold your finger up in front of the picture and like close one eye and get rid of the nose and someone tells you that's a 17 year old Michael Jordan, you go, oh yeah, that's him. He looks, he has the same mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

17 year old Michael Jordan with my thumb in his face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so 911 tapes reveal Zimmerman saying Trayvon didn't look right. Quote, this is what he said on the part of way 711. This guy looks like he's up to no good or on drugs or something. But Trayvon Martin's girlfriend, with whom he was on the phone for most of the day, including the moments right before he was killed, has come forward to give her version, and it contradicts Zimmerman. She says Trayvon expressed concern to her that someone was following him. He said the girlfriend urged Trayvon to run home. Trayvon replied, I think I lost him. And then moments later, told her, he's right behind me Again, I'm not going to run. I'm going to walk fast. The girlfriend heard Trayvon say, what are you following me me for? And then heard. Heard the man say, what are you doing here? She heard a tussle, somebody pushing Trayvon, and then the cell phone went dead. She tried to call back, but Trayvon did not answer. Crump, the Martin family attorney, said that Mr. Zimmerman should be arrested for the killing of Trayvon Martin in cold blood.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he work at the convenience store?

[Allison Rosen]

No, he was just this, like, vigilante neighborhood watch guy who was in his car with his licensed gun, and he saw a black teenager wearing a hoodie and sneakers. And what he felt was. He has said it was like a suspicious outfit and that the guy. That Trayvon was acting in a suspicious way and he felt like Trayvon was a threat. But by all accounts, it does not sound like Trayvon was doing anything other than walking to his, you know, dad's fiance's house carrying a bag from a convenience store. He wasn't armed. He himself was nervous. You know, he saw this guy trailing him.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he. Did he shoot him in the chest?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know where he shot him, but he. There's all these 911 tapes because there's a whole bunch of neighbors and different people in the neighborhood called in to report what was going on. And you can hear someone moaning for help in the background. And at first they thought it was Zimmerman, but then they realized most likely it was Trayvon. His parents say that was definitely him. He's yelling, and then you hear the gunshots. It's hugely upsetting. And this guy Zimmerman, who has a criminal record, Trayvon does not have a criminal record. Zimmerman hasn't been arrested.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

And so people are outraged, like a while ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this happened February 26th.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's gonna get arrested now.

[Allison Rosen]

The shooting has raised questions about Florida's stand your ground law, which was approved in 2005. The law does not require a person who has threatened to retreat in order to claim self defense. And Zimmerman says he had fired his weapon while defending himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the deal. They're gonna have to do something, and there's gonna be a bunch of convenience stores on fire. You know, I mean, like, once this becomes big News, Zimmerman's fucked. And then. And rightfully so. But once all the leaders and everything get behind this thing, if they give him, you know, two months and they put him in one of those country clubs, place. Place gonna burn. So they're gonna have to make an example.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess there had been a rash of robberies in the neighborhood, but I don't know. Like, I feel like there's something not good about an armed neighborhood watch person who was. He was trailing Trayvon in his car, saying he felt threatened, and then he got out and shot him. Yeah, and actually, in one of the 911 calls, he. The. The 911 dispatcher is asking him not to follow him.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you, it is. It fact, age, race, everything, dress. It all factors in. Once in a while, when you see a guy floating around your neighborhood. There's two kinds of guys who float around your neighborhood. And by the way, gender. You know, everyone does that. Hey, man, you can't judge and you can't profile. You do nothing but profile. Every. Any color. I mean, if there's a black guy, but he's well dressed, or he looks like he's going. He's wearing jogging apparel and he's exercising, he's going by my house. Then it's like, he's articulate. Yeah, I could tell by the way jogs. He's articulate. Then you go, all right, that's a black guy who's going for a jog. And then you see the white guy and he's dressed weird and doesn't seem to have any business. Like, he's not walking a dog and

[Allison Rosen]

he's not jogging, and he's holding his junk.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's holding his junk, and it looks like that guy and that guy. And you're. You're. You get a little weird. Like, you're like, what's that guy doing there? And I'm gonna watch him, and I don't know what he's doing. So there's this constant thing that goes on with human beings especially. I hate to bring it up again, but there's things called home. And when you one day, it's like an apartment with grass in front and. And.

[Mike Lynch]

And back and.

[Adam Carolla]

And in back. And you get, like, weird. I get the same way. I see the guy, like, at night, you know, he's like, walking, and it's like, where's his dog? If he's out walking his dog, he has a context. If he doesn't have a dog, then why is that guy walking his dog? And is he Exercising or what is.

[Adam De La Pena]

He's a brilliant criminal if he has a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Should have a dog. So you get into this thing, and unfortunately, black folk and hoodies and teens equals trouble in a lot of guys minds. And it's true.

[Allison Rosen]

The antenna was broken. Gary, can you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. This guy's got a bad antenna. There's no doubt. There's no doubt that this guy has a bad antenna. There's also no doubt if Trayvon was an Asian girl, he'd be alive. I know that sounds weird, because I said girl. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Or she.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Lynch]

And confused.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be alive. Yeah, yeah, he's bad. And something needs to be done. But also, people need to understand that, I don't know, wear one of Miho's Hawaiian shirts if you're gonna be walking around, because there's nut jobs like him out there. And if you wear a hoodie. I'm not saying you deserve what you get. I'm saying we live in a society where there are guys like this out there and they're freaked out and they're nervous and it's not right.

[Allison Rosen]

But. Yeah, it makes you realize, too, though, that Trayvon was nervous. I mean, that's the thing that. The corollary to this is that as the young black teenager walking around, he's worried about some white guy shooting him or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he's worried about it because too many Trayvons actually did get into trouble. That's what I'm saying. Look, it's fucked up and it's sad and no one wants to hear about it, but the reality is, is there's too many Trayvons in prison. And that's what's freaked out the cab drivers and the guys that are in the neighborhood patrol thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you mean, in prison when someone says Trayvon, a lot of people turn around.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying that people do a simple math, and it's a pretty. It's a pretty simple math. If I see a chick walking around, I go, forget it. I see an elderly guy walking around, I go, forget it. I see someone who's in. You know that, right? Criminal age. You know that 15 to 25 kind of thing. You do a math and then you do one how they're dressed, and then you do one on what skin color they are. Not because you hate this group or that group, but some skin colors create, act, perpetrate more crimes than other skin colors. So there's a whole thing you're doing all the way through from dress to age, to sex, to skin color, to what they're doing and what their activity is. And that's what we do. This guy was wrong. He should have never shot this guy. Obviously, this guy's a criminal and he should be prosecuted to the full extent of law. I am just saying it's an excuse, I guess, to at least talk about this and try to prevent more of these.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was in college, I watched my friend get held up at a gas station while I was sitting in the back seat, scared to death the guy was gonna come in the car in an accident. This guy, small Asian man who had a meat cleaver. It was a large black man who had a meat cleaver. What it was. And I was really scared after that. And I was like, I would look both ways before, you know, leaving my dorm room, and I would kind of flinch just all the time. And I remember I was walking back into my dorm from the parking lot and there was someone across the way. And I just jumped because I was just very jumpy for a long time after that. And he saw that I was scared. He's like, oh, sorry. It was just like a pizza delivery guy or something, but made me realize that, you know, I spend most of. I'm the person, as a female who's always nervous about people around me. And it must be weird just to be a completely innocent person who knows that you're frightening people. Like, I've talked to. But I think. I think men, late at night, if they're not up to anything, they realize that they are scaring women from just being there.

[Adam Carolla]

You can avoid it by dressing like Richard Simmons. Like, you don't.

[Adam De La Pena]

You don't have to walk around.

[Allison Rosen]

That's also scary.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of dudes, though, let's face it. Forget about black, white, Hispanic and whatever. Mainly just white and Hispanic. Shaved heads, tattoos, Harleys, you know, big guns.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like a pit bull of people.

[Adam Carolla]

You might be a big arms, you know, chain hanging off the wallet, leather vest with no shirt underneath it. You know, they're out to fucking elicit a response from society. Either fuck me or fight me, or both. Like, there's a kind of a thing. There's a lot of dudes and like I said, just fucking poser, douchebag, douchebag. White dudes with the neck tattoo and the bandana that's low slung over their eyebrows. I mean, reflective sunglasses and the stupid Kid Rock kind of tattoos.

[Adam De La Pena]

Ask me about my bandana.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead, ask me, please.

[Adam De La Pena]

Let's Talk about the bandana.

[Adam Carolla]

I know when it hangs out of your left pocket, it means you're feeling Grecoactive. That much I remember from working with you. So there's a lot of guys out there. Some unintentionally, others trying to get that response. I mean, for every guy who you're worried about being freaked out in front of because he's not actually a badass, but you, there's plenty of guys that are tatting themselves up, going to the gym and trying to create that look when it turns out they're CPAs during the day, you know? All right, I don't know what the answer is. The answer is it's a good time to have a conversation. That's all. And this guy should be thrown in jail.

[Allison Rosen]

Conrad Murray has dumped 30 pounds thanks to awful diarrhea. What a great diet, he claims.

[Adam Carolla]

Horrible porn name, but a great diet.

[Allison Rosen]

He claims it's from the water at the LA County Jail. He says the water smells and tastes bad and believes it has given him a horrible case of dysentery. He says the bad water, along with a bad diet, is ruining his health. He can't eat jail food, he says. And he. He's forced to eat what he refers to as cat food, which he buys at the commissary. And what he means by cat food is canned tuna for $4.25 a can, salmon flakes for $3.50, and canned mackerel for $2.50. And he's telling friends that aside from cats, he's the only human being forced to eat canned mackerel. That doesn't even make sense. Aside from cats.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, come on. What about Eskimos? And listen, I cannot look at this picture. This is the picture they always show of him. And he's sitting in front of a beautiful Bachelder fireplace. Just focus on the fireplace behind him every single time.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a common problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Early Bachelder made artisan tiles. He worked out of Pasadena, did a lot of the houses that were in Pasadena and a lot of Craftsman style houses. I had one in my old house and I tore it out and I took it with me when I left. And that's a beautiful example of a bachelor fireplace behind it. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

If only we had a picture with Conrad Murray in it. Yes, he's finally. Multiple appeals to get out of jail, primarily because his health is compromised. But LA County Sheriff spokesman Steve Whitmore says all inmates receive proper nutrition and medical care that is required by law.

[Adam Carolla]

I secretly watched a whole thriller Video with my daughter. We had, like, a naughty date. It was. It was. It was on. I didn't tell Miho, but we had a dance party, and it was on the computer. And at a certain point, Daddy was just gonna go get dressed, so he just hit hit Thriller. And I didn't know it was the video. And I left. And when I came back, it was right. The point where his face was tearing open and the wolf was pushing through. And it seemed it was, like, perfect timing because I didn't realize it only lasts for three seconds on the video, but if you walk into it, it lasts for forever when your kids are crying in front of it. And my son, who's the world's biggest puss, just had his hands on his head, like, oh, the humanity. Like, ah. It was like. It was like a Russian peasant woman who'd, like, seen her. That's a Serb, slaughter her daughter, her family. Like, just that thing where they just, like. Like, I don't know if they. If they bust those women in just during wartime, you know, but whenever there's, like, ethnic cleansing or anything going on, there's that woman with the babushkas. Like, there's always the same woman. She's not. She's not 80, but she's not. She's somewhere between 60 and 80, but

[Allison Rosen]

she's seen more than one person should have.

[Adam Carolla]

And her eyes look like she's been alive for 200 years and she's seen her share of death, and they always look the same. And they never looked like they had a prime. Like, never. Like, oh, man. When she was in high school. No. It's, like,

[Adam De La Pena]

started out as 40 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. And it's a lot of, like, look what they've done. Look what they've done. And they hold up pictures of their son, and, like, they go. And I just feel like every time there's some skirmish breaks out, there's some van that pulls up and goes, come on, get out there. Come on. Play it up good. Come on. You know they know the rules. 110 bucks. That's for Dave. There's meal penalties, but really played up good this time. Lots of tears.

[Adam De La Pena]

Screaming a lot of tears.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh. Hey, ladies. Where are the pictures of your sons? Where are they? Okay, good. There you go. And the weird, ornate frames.

[Adam De La Pena]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. That one's upside down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's go. All right. There you go. And that's what they. All right, so what was I talking about? Oh, that's what my son was doing. That. And my daughter was Glued to it. So this is right when I walked in, I think. Right. Right. This part right here. My son was going nuts, and my daughter was digging it. And so the other night, my daughter said, hey, man, let's go watch that video. And I said, we can listen to Thriller, but we're not gonna watch the video. And then, because I fuck up every computer I get near, you know, this thing. Here's my life in a nutshell, is the computer has the volume on the keyboard, but then there's also the volume on the computer, right? And it always gets set to zero. And then I don't know enough to know what to do with that. And so I just hit the volume on the keyboard and I turn it all the way up, and there's nothing. And then I have to go, what happened? And then I say to my wife, I say, what happened? And she goes, I don't know. And I go, well, who sets it to zero? And she goes, I don't know. And I'm like, well, nobody else. It's not like this. A public library and there's a bunch of transient guys using a fucking computer. And it just does that. It'll just occasionally go to zero on its own, and I won't know how to do it. So I put Thriller, the song on, and nothing happens.

[Adam De La Pena]

It doesn't go to zero on its own.

[Adam Carolla]

Your wife's doing it slowly, driving you crazy, and I suspect she's poisoning me as well. Gaslit. Finally. Yeah. So then I go to the video, and now we have a. Our little moment where we get to watch Michael Jackson do his thing.

[Adam De La Pena]

But your son's terrified of this.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not in the room, though. Yeah, but he's on my life. We're having a little secret. Yeah, He's. He's in therapy, and we're watching, and it made you really realize. Jesus, Michael Jackson when he was 22 or whatever, the. He was 24, whatever. Like, you forget how vibrant he was, how. How well he moved. Just what a crazy talent. He was.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, have you seen the making of Thriller?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I bet she would like that.

[Adam Carolla]

If she gets in there, get her. Get her on daddy's lap again.

[Allison Rosen]

So speaking of your wife on. For crying out loud, today, Jill Zarin was a guest. And in, I think, what might be a first for this studio, she exposed her breasts. Have there been boobs in here before?

[Adam Carolla]

Who? Jill did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we have a little clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'm gonna have to have a talk

[Allison Rosen]

with Adam, and I might have to show him my boobs. To show them how good they look when you have. Jill loves to get naked.

[Adam Carolla]

I love to get naked.

[Adam De La Pena]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

You were gonna show me in New York.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. All right. Jill's gonna show us her boobs. And she's stripping.

[Adam Carolla]

You, turn around.

[Allison Rosen]

You, Carrie, turn around. All right, let's look at the boobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Just audio. The phone's supposed to be. I mean, get to the bottom.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she apparently is offering to show them to you as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I gotta be honest. We were gonna. We met over here yesterday to work on the book, and we were gonna meet over here today to finish the book. And I heard Jill was coming by, so I said, let's meet at my house. I'm more comfortable that way. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

But why ever would you not want to spend a lot of time around her?

[Mike Lynch]

I thought you guys were doing a show together.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to hear the TV show.

[Allison Rosen]

She eggs and over ace or something. I would have Hot cup of Jill.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it? Hot cup of. Hot cup of Jill with Ace over easy. Yeah. We do a morning show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's Bobby?

[Adam Carolla]

Her pitch to me. Where's Bobby? Her pitch to me was we should do a show together because you're super funny and I have no sense of humor. Ooh, yeah.

[Adam De La Pena]

That's a strong pitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like we ought to do one of those two man bobsled teams because you have super strong quadriceps and I like eating bacon. Okay. How about if I found another dude with really big thighs? I bet we could really haul ass. You know, I enjoy watching people walk.

[Adam De La Pena]

I know you can carry a lot of stuff and you like mountains and hiking.

[Adam Carolla]

You carry me.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. Hot cup of Jill with Ace over easy. Regis is gone. There's a gap. But who replaced Regis?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think they found a permanent replacement yet. They're just trying out different people. You should get in there. That's what people keep telling you.

[Mike Lynch]

You two improvising the morning show is one of the funniest moments of this entire.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Because she didn't realize what was going on. Exactly.

[Mike Lynch]

Wait, what's happening?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. She had no idea. She had no idea. We're doing a parody. I don't think that could be part of the fun. And people always do that. Oh, you work great with Dr. Drew or you work great with Jimmy Kimmel. You work with Great with Dennis Prager. You were funny with Jill Zaria. I was like, I know because I'm funny. And I'll just fill the void when they're not being so entertaining. But I appreciate it. It's nice. Speaking of bacon, I am. I'm the bacon of comedy. You know, they go, hey, it's good with liver. It's good over water chestnut. It's good over melon. What's the common denominator here? I'd say bacon's pretty fucking good. It's good alone.

[Adam De La Pena]

Got a beautiful piece of steak. Wrap some bacon around it. Even better.

[Adam Carolla]

No one will say shit. And get a beautiful Kobe burger and put some bacon on. I think myself as the bacon of comedy, but I don't need her water chestnut. That's what I'm saying.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah. That's not appetizing, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a lot of range. Like, what else do you wrap around? Melon, right? You wrap scallops? Sometimes scallops and shrimp. And scallops and seafood. And then water chestnuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think there's something. You're thinking of ramacchi, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Chestnuts. Yeah. There's chestnuts. There's probably water chestnuts or just chestnuts. There's liver.

[Allison Rosen]

Dates.

[Adam Carolla]

Dates. I mean, you really fucking. That's a pretty versatile piece of pig there.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And if it's tomato and lettuce, and

[Adam De La Pena]

if it's in a salad, you're never unhappy.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Adam De La Pena]

Like, who put bacon in my salad? How dare you? It's delicious.

[Allison Rosen]

Whether it's strips or bits.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

Does not matter. All right, bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. There are people. Did you. Did I used to call you. Oh, de la Penas? What did I call you? Of the. What's that name mean? Of the rock. Of the mountain.

[Adam De La Pena]

Of the rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Of the rock. She's got a kick out of it.

[Adam De La Pena]

One of the writers. Well, cousin Sal used to call me Santos for no reason. Never really explained it, but that's what he calls me to this day.

[Adam Carolla]

The Rock. The Rock, yeah. Let's see. What was. What was the term they used to.

[David Wilde]

We.

[Adam Carolla]

We spilled the same blood, the same mud. They said, like, 28 times in that movie.

[Adam De La Pena]

It's not false.

[Mike Lynch]

That was Michael Bean who said that.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of lock and loading, gentlemen, and rock and roll and. Oh, man, that movie's just a big dripping ball of testosterone. Go to meeting, mijo. You don't have a car. You should use this. Go to meeting. Yeah, I recommend. Go to meeting. It Has HD faces on it so you can see the people you're talking to. Again, you don't have to get your system to schlep your ass halfway across town. GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix. You can go face to face wherever you are, I think get up to six people on the screen, by the way, use the built in camera on your iPad and download the GoToMeeting app and pow, presto, change o you're there. We use it here and you should use it in your business. And again, Miho, forget the bus, baby. Go to meeting. Try GoToMeeting free for 30 days only if you use the promo code. No, Adam. Use the promo code. Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right. Mijo can be found on his new show, your dungeon, My Dragon, Xbox Live or msn.com yourdungeonmydragon.com you can Twitter him at Adam de la Pena. That is D E L A P E N A De la Pena. Adam de la Pena. And what else am I missing? Anything, buddy?

[Adam De La Pena]

No, that's it. Just. Just watch the show. I think you enjoy it. You can also play video games. We made video games for the show on mobile and everywhere else.

[Adam Carolla]

So thanks for bringing me the girl scout cookies, buddy.

[Adam De La Pena]

No problem, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for bald Brian. Oh, and Allison Rose is saying, mahalo. Either fuck me or fight me or both. All right, that was Adam Kroll Show 783. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 792 with the Genius great Paul of Tompkins along with Allison Rose and Brian bishop, also from 2012. Yeah. Welcome to the new studio, everyone. Good day. David Wilde.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's beautiful.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

Beautiful.

[David Wilde]

It's like a whole new world.

[Adam Carolla]

Exciting to have you here.

[David Wilde]

Thank you for.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone loves David Wilde.

[David Wilde]

Everyone talk to my wife.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not sold.

[Adam Carolla]

I've spoke to my wife. I love David Wilde. I love his kids. I wish every. You know what? I swear to God, I was sitting around eating dinner 20 minutes ago, and my wife said, oh, David Wilde coming in tonight. And I said, yeah. And she said, love that guy. And I said, love that guy. And then I said, all the good parts of the Jews and none of the necks, none of the gizzard, you know what I mean? Just all the white Juliet. Just trim the filet. A Jew, right? That's what it is. We filet. Yeah. None of the tongue, none of the guts, none of the organs. None of that's giblets. No, Jew giblets.

[David Wilde]

Speaking of Jew giblets, Phil Rosenthal just called me on the way here. He said that you mentioned with your Dodger dog feelings that the Jews had to get involved. Phil is the king of the Jews and the creator of Everybody Loves Raymond and all those good things. He feels very strongly that you should make this happen, that it should be Nate and Al's should be the official dog of the Dodgers, and that would solve all problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, somebody's gonna have to step up and say feh, because the Jews need to get involved. I feel they're organized. They have money. You know, they run show business. They could really get involved here. And there's a lot of Judies, foodies, a lot of foodie Judy's, like, Phil, are disgusted. And I swear to God, it keeps me away from going to Dodger games because baseball is so painfully boring. And they're constantly.500 and who gives a fuck what happens in game 37 of the 162 game season? You're only there to get some beer and eat some decent dogs. And they've now removed the decent dogs from the thing and cut off the beer in the seventh inning or whatever it is. And it's a horrible experience. And for the goyem and for the Mexicans, that's fine for them because we don't know what the fuck we're doing. But the Jews, they have a discerning palate and they know a bad dog. And I know Phil hates that dog.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, well, he feels he's on your side. He's with the fight for the side of the angels.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, we'll see.

[David Wilde]

Not the California Angels.

[Adam Carolla]

We will see if we can mobilize the big Jewish force. Hit the streets. Do one of those things where we take not candles, but hot dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Push them through the paper plate and have a vigil.

[David Wilde]

Take back the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Take back the dog. That's right.

[Adam De La Pena]

Very good.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so also, Paul F. Tompkins is coming in here.

[David Wilde]

Good comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a good writer, good comedian, good actor, good everything. David Wilde in here.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like you need to say hello and good day to us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hello.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't sleep. Hi. Thank you. Hi. Adam Karolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Paul Bryan. How are you doing for yelling? Yeah. We did a little more acoustic work in here today. We had a nice. We had a great Keystone's Cops moment where I said, look, we got to get some acoustics going here. We got to hang up some duvetyne we got to hang up some of these ace broadcasting things. We got to have something to bounce the sound off of because it's bouncing off the drywall. I didn't like the acoustics the last time we did it, so we need something to sop it up. So what's the best way to do this? And the ceiling is just a T bar ceiling. There's no wood joist up there, and there's nothing to hang onto or anything like that. So I said, why don't we take emt, which is. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, it's whatever. Electro. Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Tubing tape.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's tubing. Yeah. Yeah. And it's emt. It's rigid conduit. I don't think I'm quite familiar with it. I said, we got a bunch of rigid conduit floating around the shop. Let's take it. We'll put it together with couplers. I'll use the bender. I'll borrow the bender from the electrician. And I'm sure Rosenthal was talking David's ear off about the emt. And you have so lost the Jewish vote right now. Well, because I know Rosendal's a Romex guy, so don't get him started on emt.

[David Wilde]

Last night, when you were talking to the coach about woodworking, honestly, I was listening to it like science fiction. It's like, oh, this is what real men talk about. When I'm not there, I was listening

[Allison Rosen]

to it like watching Sabado Gigante. Like, if I watch for long enough, it'll begin to make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually you'll hear, but why, sir? And you'll go, oh, yeah, I know what they're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

No, we can't.

[Adam Carolla]

We bent all this emt, this tubing, and Gary. Not this Gary, but retarded Gary who works here.

[Allison Rosen]

That's his full name.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, the plan was this is semi retarded Gary. The other one's full tire. I suspect Gary's head injury is affecting his behavior. So we did this whole thing where we laid it all out, we bent it, we measured it, and I said, we're gonna make a halo that goes all the way around the studio, two inches from the wall, couplers and everything. We'll put it all together, and we'll do a whole dry fit on the floor all the way around. I'll make the. We'll couple them together. We'll cut it if we have to. And we got it all together. And then I said, gary, starting closest to the Door and going counterclockwise the direction we went. Label them, 1, 2, 3, all the pieces sequentially. Then we'll go outside and we'll spray paint the underside black. So when you look up, it basically just looks like a black ring. It's not all laid out exactly how it should be. And then we'll come back in and we'll assemble it. Well, when we came back in, all the numbers had been spray painted over and we all went full Keystone Cops with the bending and knocking into people. They're like 12 foot pieces, Gary, going outside and coming back in with like a straight piece when we needed a bent piece. And I said, gary, how many times did you write the number on the 12 foot piece of conduit? And he said, once. And I said, what color was the marker in? He said, black. I said, what color are we painting it, Gary? He said, black. I said, why not get a red Sharpie and write it like in the middle and on both ends or maybe even on the inside a little bit? Yes, that's. Then it would show.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

That was comical.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're talking about what I think you are, it makes me feel like I'm inside a gigantic blue shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you is. All right, so that's what we did. One of the things I wanted to talk about yesterday and I never really got to it, was we went to a barbecue joint outside of Kansas City called Oklahoma Joe's.

[Mike Lynch]

Sounds awesome already.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable. And here's we were sitting in the place and the place opened at 11.

[Mike Lynch]

August is eating.

[Adam Carolla]

August does this thing that's quasi nauseating. You know the people that smother things in ketchup and it bothers you. Like they'll get scrambled eggs and then they'll just smother it in ketchup.

[Allison Rosen]

Like it's like, why even not? Why not just eat plain ketchup without tasting?

[Adam Carolla]

Why not eat styrofoam packing at this point? You know what I mean? So if you get the french fries and you put a dollop of the ketchup on the side or the barbecue sauce, the side and you dip it as you eat, that's fine. But what he does is he gets to order fries and then takes the thing and just. And then sort of mixes it all up. He's a close cousin of the guy who has to chop all his food up before. I think Mike does that too. He gets some food and he starts chopping it and it's like close cousin to himself. Why? Yeah, why are you doing what are you doing to your omelet? Like, why are you eviscerating your omelet? It's like, this is what I do. It's like so you can make it cold. Like you're just scrambling. It's weird. That. Weird. I'm going to cut up my whole steak before I eat my steak.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a dog going in circles before sits down or something.

[Adam Carolla]

It's some weird kind of unnecessary. So Mike does a couple things. So. All right, here's what I want to talk. Here's America. All anybody needs to know is what we learned over at Oklahoma Joe's on Saturday morning at 11am we did not eat lunch and we did not eat dinner on a Friday night. The show was at 8 o'. Clock. By the time you're done signing the autographs and getting the hell out of the theater, it's 10:30, 11:00 clock at night. And then it's like, oh, who the hell? By the time the stake shows up, it's midnight. And we've been traveling all day. And now, fuck it, we'll go to bed. But we're getting up bright and early. We're checking out. We're driving from Kansas City to Nebraska. We're driving to Lincoln, Nebraska. And we're stopping because Kimmel, Kimmel, you will not be allowed back in la. He'll have people at the airport. Like, if he tells you here's a barbecue joint to go to, you must go to said barbecue joint. You can't come back without a picture view in front of the place. Or he'll block the seaports bus stations holding the newspaper.

[Mike Lynch]

From that day, the plane won't be

[Adam Carolla]

able to land current paper at the date on. So we go to Oklahoma Joe's. And as a matter of fact, what's funny, because we all went there and then he said, you got to order the Z Man sandwich. And all of us just ordered the rib platter with the brisket and everything else. And we just sit there. And at a certain point people sort of sheepishly said, nobody ordered the Z Man sandwich. And then we all sort of looked around. Okay, well don't tell Jimmy. All right, but then what's on the Z Man sandwich? There will be a quiz. There's going to be a quiz. Maybe even like a urine sample or something. There's got to be be some provolone in your urine that's only found.

[Mike Lynch]

Let me talk to the Z Man sandwich.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put it on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. So at a certain point, and this is the beauty of Mike August. Now, a couple things. We got to the place at 11, the place opened at 11, and we were the first people in there. And I was like, not very crowded. We pulled right up front. I sat there doing a phone interview outside in the parking lot and watched cars pull in and people pile in. By the time we sat down and had our food and we're 10 minutes into our meal, I'd say, Mike, tell me if I'm exaggerating, but by 11:30, the line was going literally out the door. And by 11:45, by noon, by the time we left, it went out the door and down the street right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At least 60 deep by the time.

[Adam Carolla]

At least 60 deep. Now, there's a couple of good things about Mike August. One is we decided we needed the Z Man sandwich. Except for I said, what are we gonna do? And Mike said, what do you mean? And I said. I said, the line is going around, around our back where we're eating, out the door and then down the sidewalk. So how are you going to get your. That's the Z Man. How are you going to get your Z Man sandwich? And he said, yeah, I'll handle it. And then he gets up and six minutes later he comes back with three Z Man sandwich.

[Allison Rosen]

He took it off someone's table and

[Adam Carolla]

an order of fries. And I thought he like greased someone's palm. And I said, mike, what happened? How'd you get the sandwiches? And he said, she went and got him. And I said, yeah, but you didn't get in line, the line's so long. And he said, said, we already wait in line. I said, yeah, but that's not how it works. Everyone who's eaten there has waiting in line before at some start applying movie theater lines at the food lines.

[Mike Lynch]

I wish I could use that logic at the bank.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Well, no, no, I'm coming back at

[Mike Lynch]

the stadium with the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

I took a piss in the third inning and now I waited in line and I'm just going right to the front because it's the ninth inning and I got a piss again. I don't know how to fucking point.

[Mike Lynch]

Let him go.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what he did it. He has almost like goat like instincts. Yeah, we're like, you know what a goat will go like a goat will eat your shirt. Goat will go, smell the queen's just. Because like, what? Who cares? Doesn't. It's not thinking about it. It's not up in itself.

[Allison Rosen]

We can all take a lesson from the goat.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we should all be More like the goat. Like we all stand up and start looking around. Jeez, sheesh. I want to get the sandwich with the fucking lines around the block. But jeez, it'd be so nice. We could slide in front, but I don't want to be an asshole. My God. Just walks right up, grabs a sand, just sits back down. Has a load of fries with him too, by the way. And then he smothers it. But here's the thing. This place, Oklahoma Joe's, it's in a gas station. It's attached to a gas station. And I mean, like, not a fun. Not your fun Mohawk type filling station or throwback anything. Just Shitty Kwik, E Mart, gas station. It's in a strip mall. There's nothing going on. It's a bad. It's, you know. You know, fair to Midland part of town. I mean, you drive through the nice part of Kansas City to get to it. It's in literally strip mall. It's like coin op laundry next to it and gas station. I mean, you come pulling up and we're like, really? I don't even wanna. These two things, barbecue and strip mall, just don't go together very well. And the line is pouring around the block. They don't advertise, they don't do anything. What do they do? They serve fucking good ribs. That's all they do. And they're inexpensive. That's it. Now I'm talking about it. Jimmy Kimmel's talking about it. Five guys at Jimmy show are telling us to get the Z Man sandwich.

[Allison Rosen]

Pirate ship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They just put the product out there. They don't gouge anybody. And thus there is a line. And anybody who wants to know about a business like, how's your restaurant work? Well, we're on a bad corner. They're not even on a corner. They're in a strip mall attached to a fucking gas station. It's not the part of town. It's not the cuisine. It's not the anything. They kick ass. They're super fast. They're inexpensive. And everyone who eats there once goes, I'm going back. And that's it. That's the key. That's the key to success. That's the key to life. That's the key to America. That's this country. That's everything you need to know. Forget about the fucking advertising. Forget about it. It's not gonna work. Whether you're making a movie or you're making barbecue. Make a kick ass product. People will talk. I mean, you got stupid kimmel over Here in la. Yelling. This place is way outside of Kansas. It's in a strip mall. That's all it takes. That's the lesson.

[Mike Lynch]

What was the Z Man all about?

[Adam Carolla]

The Z Man. So now we're stuffed. We're all stuffed with ribs. It's like 11:45 in the morning. And by the way, it's 9:45 to us because little time difference. We just got there before. So we're all packed up full of food, and now we get in the car to make the drive to Lincoln, and we're like, what are we gonna do with these sandwiches? Because we're fucking full. And at some point, we get back, we get to the hotel, and we all these Z Man sandwiches. And then I realize I got a microwave in the paddles. Bring it back to life.

[Allison Rosen]

Charge.

[Adam Carolla]

We all.

[Allison Rosen]

There they are, sitting on top of that bun. There's two pickles on the bun.

[Adam Carolla]

We all. There's a little sweet pickles. Bread and butter pickles. We all sat in our rooms and master. I mean, ate our Z Man sandwiches. That good.

[Allison Rosen]

What was in them?

[Adam Carolla]

It was brisket. It was an onion ring. It was provolone. Oh, it's on the.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Provolone melted on beef brisket. Two onion rings on top on kaiser bun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, that's right, Jimmy. That's what was in the sandwich. That's what you ate. And if you want to check my stool, well, then you can do it, because that's fine. I kept a sample. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a disgusting scatological question that I wish I had censored before I started, but now I'm halfway in. Do you ever have the experience where you're like, did I even chew, like, entire mushrooms?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah. I'm trying to think.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure you have. Please say you have.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

No. But sometimes when I get stoned, I think, how am I not biting my tongue? And then I bite my tongue.

[Allison Rosen]

You know why? Because you probably bit your tongue first and then had the thought and we may be that stoned.

[Adam Carolla]

You may be right. All right. David Wilde is here. David. Always here to talk about music. I don't have David's page in front of me. I know. I want the Brad Paisley.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't.

[David Wilde]

You want this page of names.

[Allison Rosen]

Ah, well, I can talk about.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I got that. That I have.

[Allison Rosen]

I can talk about David Wilde. He's wild about music on Twitter, and he's written books about friends and other things.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. How many books have you written, David?

[David Wilde]

I think around

[Adam Carolla]

and you write for Rolling Stone, and you write for Everywhere all the time. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

I started out magazines like Allison, started out with journalism. I got. My teacher won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction the year I graduated. He basically just got me a job at Esquire right out of college, Worked there for two years, went to Rolling Stone, was a music editor, and then came out here and fell into tv. And now I just do. I'm sort of a migration Jewish worker.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's nice that when they need somebody for the Grammys or they need somebody to punch something up or they need someone to write a book, they just. Name just comes up. But then. And everyone knows. But if you're writing a book and you're writing it with a celebrity, I know you're doing CeeLo's book. Now, could I tell or should I be able to tell? CeeLo, Brad Paisley. Almost the same cat.

[David Wilde]

Exactly. Well, both books could be called Diary of a Plot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So when I see. If I was to read each book, would I go, oh, David, wow.

[David Wilde]

No. I'll tell you the truth is that as a journalist, I think I was always pretty good and not great because. But as a. In terms of writing for a million other people, I'm really good at writing at other people's voices. I'm not. You know, I think it helped me. I think most writers are so egomaniacal, they can only write in their own voice. And I found, like, the first time I got asked to do all these award shows, it was like, my own voice might be more Woody Allen, but I can write Jeff Foxworthy jokes. In fact, the first time I ever wrote a joke for Jeff Fox where he goes, no one can write. People try to write this stuff for me all the time, and they can't. This is good stuff, and I like that. I like being able to channel people with better personalities than me.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the rich or a personality. You're rich. The rich little of writers.

[David Wilde]

Well, I don't. That's a little scary because I still think back about that love American Style, where he was a tragic figure because he had no personality. I have minimal.

[Adam Carolla]

You're obviously immensely talented, or you wouldn't be in the kind of demand you are. I want to talk food. Speaking of, we're talking about hot dogs and Phil Rosenthal. Poor Matt Fondelier. Matt Fondelier, Force and Punisher. He went on a. On a pizza pie run yesterday. We're celebrating the. And I didn't get to him. I didn't train the man. And he still got some Open wounds about the donut run he went on with all the Jack o' lantern. He tried to give him a pizza

[Allison Rosen]

lecture like months ago.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? And then I feel bad because Mike lynch, who's normally a bit of a food snob, is the one who sent him on the veggie pizza run. Okay, couple things. So he went and got pizza. He got two cheese, which is fine. It's a good base. He got the veggie pizza. And again, I think the problem we're having in society is this. They're fucking. These vegans and these vegetarians are fucking everything up because they have to get a veggie something. Like if there's an office of 46 people and one veggie cunt and one veggie gal, who, by the way, part of it is she's a vegetarian. And the other part is she doesn't really like eating. Like there's. There's.

[David Wilde]

Or life itself.

[Adam Carolla]

Or life. Right. I don't know, like, what came first? The part where you don't really like eating or the part where you're. Because the guys I know want to be like, everyone I know sort of wants to eat better. Nobody wants to eat the Z Man sandwich and no one wants to eat brisket at 9am Your time and all that kind of stuff. But it's so fucking savory and so good. Like, we can't stop ourselves. So I wish I could be vegan or vegetarian, but I can't. I love ribs too much. But there's a lot of vegetarians that I feel. It's sort of a Sarah Silverman kind of thing where it's like, I don't think she liked food that much anyway. But maybe that's just me. Maybe I'll.

[Allison Rosen]

It would be interesting to find a vegan or a vegetarian who's also kind of a glutton and loves food. Like, man, I'm gonna do some damage to those Boca burgers.

[Adam Carolla]

So you have the one person in the office and there's 46 other people, but there must be a vegetarian, Bubba. So if you get one six foot sub, then you have to get another six foot veggie sub. Or like a three foot veggie sub or something. Something. But it's only for the one person and that fucking person doesn't eat. So now there's this thing where it's like, well, look, you're gonna go out and get sub sandwiches, all right? Get 10 meatballs, get 10 Italian subs, get 10 veggie subs and 10 turkeys well, all the other ones go. And then there's that one little mouse who's eating the one little veggie one. And then everyone's like, oh, fuck, I got the cucumber salad. So here's the deal with the vegetarians. Fuck yourself. Go bring your own fucking food, number one. Number two, there should be no accommodations. It should just be the cheese pizza is what the vegetarian will eat. You get the fucking vegetarian pizza. It comes with broccoli on it and all sorts other things that fuck up a pizza. And the worst thing ever, the big slabs of tomato. Gooey, gelatinous tomato.

[Allison Rosen]

The fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

A pizza is all fucking tomatoes anyway. Why do you pulverize tomatoes laid on top of it and then put more tomatoes on top of the tomatoes, just

[Allison Rosen]

mocking the tomato sauce inside? And they get too hot.

[Mike Lynch]

They're molten.

[Adam Carolla]

They're molten. They get pussy. They start running. They're. Fuck. It's weird eating the hot tomato sauce. Such a fucking disaster.

[David Wilde]

Adam, you'll understand my pain. Yes, I went to Argentina. I like a good steak as much as any man, which is a capital steak. I went with the McCarthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[David Wilde]

I never saw a steak in Argentina. It was like I saw tofu steaks in Argentina. It feels like the wrong band to go to Argentina.

[Adam Carolla]

You, yeah, you want that guy, that gaucho showing up with the sword. And you, you're foga de chao.

[Mike Lynch]

Green all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Green all the time. Oh, you went to Argentina.

[Mike Lynch]

Unlike my pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you going to Georgia and someone yelling, no peaches. Wow.

[David Wilde]

Or going to Oakville.

[Adam Carolla]

It's worse.

[David Wilde]

Or that restaurant and not getting the same Oklahoma joke.

[Adam Carolla]

So now you get the veggie. Don't ever get the fucking veggie. Veggie. Veggie pleases. They please nobody. The tomato, the fucking broccoli. But there aren't any vegetarians here.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

That's what I'm trying.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm playing last night's pizza Matt to figure out Matt, because he had some sort of weird moment of clarity, asked him to hold the broccoli. I did foresee the pizza pocalypse. And I knew that hoarding broccoli would really.

[Allison Rosen]

You saw it, but you didn't like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Then. Then he made this mistake, too. He went with the meat lovers pizza. And again, the meat lovers does not satisfy the meat lovers or the vegetarians because it's too many kinds of meat. It turns into kind of a salty, greasy mess. Now, let me explain the power rankings of the pizza. You can get veggie pizzas, but they have to be the stuff that is a topping on a pizza. Like you can go ahead. You can get mushroom and you can get olive and you can get garlic and you can get all the stuff. Onion. You can get the stuff that should go on a pizza. But they start pulling from non pizza sources.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Like an everything pizza without the meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Would be what your veggie pizza could be your combo.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever your veggie pizza is. It should be whatever the single combos are. Now, I like a mushroom pizza. I like an olive pizza. Brian doesn't like, like olive pizza.

[Mike Lynch]

I don't like black olives. I like any other kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's the most inane, inert olive ever. It has nothing. It just says, here I am. Eat me.

[Mike Lynch]

That's my exact point. Don't you think that black olive is the least of all olives?

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't. It doesn't help that much. But you could never be offended by a black olive.

[Mike Lynch]

Oh, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like medium.

[Allison Rosen]

Man makes a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Green. Little pungent. Little pungent. Pungent little stringent. Okay. I believe we're agreeing the meatball pizza is the one that's underrated because I would say it's not on anyone's top 10 depth chart. And it's by far right up in the top three. The meatball pizza.

[Mike Lynch]

Any pizza that makes meat and veggies. Like a sausage and peppers pizza.

[David Wilde]

Can I go non kosher and ask you what you feel about the shrimp on a pizza?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I don't like any of the seafood on the pizza. And I know everyone thinks I'm a pussy. I don't mind the Hawaiian pizza.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't either.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, half the Hawaiian bath is already won because it's just. It's just Canadian bacon. Right. That's fine. So it's really. It's really only the pineapple you're objecting to.

[Allison Rosen]

It's weird. Tomato does not work. Tomato chunk slices on pizza doesn't work. But pineapple does. Even though it's also squishy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, baby. We're coming.

[Allison Rosen]

I know this is really weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

Not to introduce something controversial. But all. Phil Rosenthal, Jeff Garland and I were all in Chicago last week in doing separate little trips. But there were the pizza. Chicago pizza. Which was. I had so much pressure on me from 40 people to go to ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

And I have to say I decided the best pizza in Chicago is whichever one is being served to you at that given moment. Because that town is incredible for pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm same way with BJ's. But. Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Allison Rosen]

The only bad one is the one you didn't have.

[David Wilde]

You have to wait 35 minutes for that as well.

[Adam Carolla]

I have snowflakes. Yeah, like my children sort of. So I got here, I have sausage, onion and or sausage pepper. It's good. So Matt, you got the two cheese. That's fine. Veggie. That was Mike lynch trying to get you fired. I do believe. I do believe because he knows because that's not a Mike lynch move right there. The veggie pizza. And look, I don't want to throw my own boss under the bus but lynch, you not say to get the meat lover. Oh wow. My orders were.

[Allison Rosen]

He's holding supporting documents too.

[David Wilde]

Lovers.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I. I can't say anything else. A post it note, the meat lovers. 14 different kinds of animal menagerie on top of there and it's too much. You have to start picking off the pepperoni. I did not know you had the strong feelings you had about the meat lovers. Well here's the thing here. I'll tell you the problem with the meat lovers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The good news is you're fired.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know at a fair to middle and pizza joint, the cuts of meat like it's never going to be great meat on there. It's going to be kind of of you know. So, so. And I like meat on a pizza. I love as I've told you, several hundred thousand. What's my favorite pizza? Meatball and onion. All right. Or sausage and onion. Now why not toss? Who's paying? You are. All right. How about tossing one of those into the mix? Goodbye.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, a fun. You know how like Know youw Lackeys. We should do Know youw Adam. Where we just have to guess stuff that we are supposed to already know. Let's not play that game.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you like that one, right? Ye.

[David Wilde]

Is there a restaurant, a pizza place where there is. You have a pizza named after you like a sandwich style like the Hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is. No, that'd be nice. But no.

[David Wilde]

Should we talk to Phil about doing that at Mosa?

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice. Oh, eating pizza at Phil's. So veggie lover. All right, so next time. This is all we need. You know what? We're gonna forget about this and only bring it up 18 more times. Okay. In this show I would say cheese good. I would say then we go mushroom after that and. Or olive and then we'll go with either sausage and onion or meatball and onion or something like that after that good, are you? That's that. Now, what's your preference? And I'll take a wine too, by the way. What's your preference? Frankly, I like the meat lovers. Oh, now we see him.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's looking at for number one just

[Adam Carolla]

because he has a kid now looking out for number one. I feel the meat lover's a little overwhelming. Like, I feel like it's too much. Well, I don't have a refined palate. No, I know you'll eat anything put in front of you. But, I mean, doesn't it feel like there's. Doesn't the five different kinds of meat feel like it's, like, a little too much to process? Like I need it spread out a little bit or something?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Like, you think that having sex with a lot of women at once would be fun, but then when it comes down to it, it's just too much to handle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's exactly how I feel from experience, talking about high school.

[David Wilde]

All right, do you have a number for that pizza place where you can order that?

[Adam Carolla]

The veggie one you just went out of? That's you just being beaten down. That was me going, I still have five live reads to straighten out and just get a fucking veggie pizza.

[Angie]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I guess I overestimated Mike.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, I wonder if I'm a tiny bit responsible in a very rounded out way for the veggie pizza. Because it's not good. Because it's like, here's a chick's pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what it is. Here's where we're all at. There's gotta be somebody in the office. There's some gay guy or some chick or some. Somebody who just needs their own something and will say, we got it. You know, so like I said, we'll get 10 steak sandwiches. We'll get 10, you know, deep fried chicken sandwiches and get, like, 10 veggie ones. Just because somebody's gonna complain and then no one eats it. That's right. It's the trail mix syndrome.

[Mike Lynch]

Now, given the choices between those three pizzas, Cheese, meat lovers, and veggie, I'll go for veggie. And I had two pieces of veggie last night. Is that a violation?

[Adam Carolla]

It's fine, but you have to go at it. You have to. You have to work on it. You have to. You have to remove the tomato.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mike Lynch]

I chose the pieces with the least tomato.

[Adam Carolla]

You removed the tomato. And by the way, if Matt had not thought fast and got. And not got rid of the broccoli, it would have been the Holocaust. I mean, and nothing short. I mean, if he even got rid of the broccoli, that would have been the end of that. Right? Almost. That I second guessed myself, because, as

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I recall, I started with.

[Adam Carolla]

With pepper and onion as the veggie pizza, and then I went, oh, I think there might be an olive here. And I just went, just get veggie. Here's a moral story, everybody. You're never gonna get fired for making the boss happy. Whether it's donuts or pizza, everyone just think, what does the boss like? And then go, let's get one of those. I've written about this in some sort of book. Yes, Yes, I must have. All right, Mike. Mike will beat him. Mike, don't beat yourself up about this,

[Allison Rosen]

but let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Too long. Too long. Just give it midnight tomorrow night, and then we move on. Wow. And Matt Fondelier. Yeah. You could have taken. Could have taken one for the team there. Now it will haunt my dreams. All right, all right.

[Mike Lynch]

That was a massive window to step up in the ranks. Overtake. It's like, no, I know a pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

But you understand. Because of the donut debacle, I'd already written you off. It's just, frankly, I'm surprised I was even given the opportunity to pick. Well, you're not. You're nothing more than a mule with a credit card. Right. Which took a while to get. I didn't even have the credit card at first. Yeah, that was a step. If we get the donkey to sign my name, you'd be. You'd be out of a gig. All right. Wow. All right, well, look, we got the cheese. That's the important thing. And whether we love the pizza or hated the pizza, it was all gone by the end of today.

[Adam De La Pena]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it. All right, David Wilde. Want to talk a little music? Let me talk a little. You tell me. Joe Walsh. I think you talked to Joe Walsh.

[David Wilde]

I got actually a few emails from Joe and Marjorie, his wife, who are in South Africa. I guess the Eagles are playing down there, and they wanted to talk about how they love you.

[Adam Carolla]

I love me, Joe Walsh.

[David Wilde]

Joe's married to a friend of mine, Marjorie, who is Barbara Bach is married to Ringo. Marjorie Buck, the two hottest Jewish girls in history. I refer to the them.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she in Caveman with Ringo?

[David Wilde]

Barbara was in Cave. Ringo met his wife on Caveman. And I actually, I think I'm the only fan of that movie. I brought it up to him recently that I loved that movie goes. You're the one. Because he doesn't really. Even though he met his wife that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Met on the set of Caveman.

[David Wilde]

They did indeed. Although he doesn't remember it because that was not a good time for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Sure.

[David Wilde]

But Joe, they write him How They Love youe, and he's gonna come in, I guess, in April with his new record, which is the best solo record. Record he's made. It's really incredible. Like, a total first solo album in 20 years. Great album. But I thought I'd play you. If you want a new song, a little bit that you can hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe in the Eagles. Was he an original Eagle, left and came back, or he showed up and then left and came back?

[David Wilde]

No, he was sort of a friend of the. Of the band and sort of then during. Came in for Hotel California officially as a member, and then they all were like. That was the. They all were collapsing by the time of the next record. The Long Run fell apart. And then I think, partly if I. You'll have to ask him this, but I think by pissing off Don Henley, he helped get the Eagles back together because it started them talking again. He went on Howard Stern years ago and played Life in the Fast Lane, which is Henley's. You know, that is his song. And I think that. I don't know if it started with, like a cease and desist letter, but it ended up. I think that was one of the things that had them start talking again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. With their Hell Freezes over tour.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So this is a Never been heard before Joe Walsh.

[David Wilde]

I think it's streamed a couple places, but it's a song called. This is sort of a sequel to Life's Been Good called Lucky that Way, which is a great song.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone knows Life's been good. I know my name to some degree Sometimes I can't believe that I'm still standing and it feels pretty good to be me I get to live out here in California I got a palm tree and a swimming pool have some fun Try to play my music Was all I really set out to do and when anybody ask me, Joe, how do you do it? Cause you do it with such style and grace I just shake my head and smile look them in the eyes and see I'm just lucky that way so, yeah, that's.

[David Wilde]

It sort of has that feel of Life's Been Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

And then there's also much rockier stuff. The album's called Analog man, and you could hear a little bit of that if you want. In a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

So we will get you Will get him.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, Joe I think is gonna, he's gonna come in here. They were working on a date in April before. Right before the record comes out.

[Adam Carolla]

I am, I'm, I'm giddy about that. I'm a big fan of his.

[David Wilde]

There's actually a track which you will appreciate more than anyone on earth. Possibly a new. At the end of the record he found this old jam from the James Gang with Little Richard singing lead with the James Gang. And it is crazy good. It's like this seven minute, like just great, classic James Gang sort of thing. You'll love it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to him. I'm also looking forward to hearing some of the stuff that Mike lynch and I talked about doing. I got to do a quick GoDaddy spot. GoDaddybaby.com fan domain. That's right. Want to start a little fan site for us? Why not do it for yourself. Do it for your kids. Do it for their team. How about it? You can get your dot com domain for only 7.49.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't afford not to.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't, you know, you can't just

[Mike Lynch]

try to afford not to.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't.

[Adam Carolla]

For the price of a veggie sub. Yes. Shouldn't they be almost free? You know what I mean? If they pay you if a meatball six bucks. Why is a veggie six bucks?

[Mike Lynch]

I'll just take the roll and plumb it to your garden.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Wilde]

The Z Man sandwich is only $6.75.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, such, such a deal. GoDaddy749 just enter the code ACE. No one can beat the price, baby. Go daddy. Whatever you got, whatever your business, your family, your hobbies, your obsessions again, start one, start a fan site, support the show and use the code ACE. @godaddy.com that is godaddy.com I don't know why, but Mike and I always like to talk about lynch and I like to talk about how shitty so many bands are and all those songs about playing the six string and life on the road and all that fucked out themes about, you know, songs and starting the band and, and Jukebox Hero is one of the worst songs ever, ever written. But I was listening to Bad Company. I don't know which one you got queued up there, ball. Brian, I got all. Let's hear, let's hear Jukebox. Is this Foreigner? Yeah, yeah. Johnny's gonna learn to play that guitar. There's always No. I was listening to Bad Company's Rock and Roll fantasy tonight, and it reminded me of how shitty that song is and how bad. Bad Company has a lot of shitty songs.

[David Wilde]

You know what's really weird about this? I just got asked today to do the behind the Music remixed next week of Foreigner and Bad Company.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Wilde]

So I will be sure to pass along. You want to be part of this? You can sit with me. Please offer your opinion.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell them I would like these several hours. They've robbed me of my life with this piece of shit song there. And I like the part where now he's got to keep a rockin'. And when somebody says. I feel like if I ever say, you know what? I gotta write a dragon movie, I want someone to punch me in the face and go, they've made 200 dragon movies. You don't need to write a dragon movie. Or I go, I want to write a movie about. I want to write a movie about werewolves and zombies. But these ones are really. Oh, oh. A succubus of the night. But they're really sexy, hot teens, you know, they look good in their underpants. I want someone to punch me.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[David Wilde]

There's a line already forming.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I do. Yes.

[Mike Lynch]

Dave interviews you for the foreigners back behind the music. Foreigner was a band, and it cuts off Foreigner.

[Adam Carolla]

Foreigner has Hot Blooded, which is a fucking abortion. I mean, just. They. Foreigner has a lot of shitty songs. Like, really. They have a couple of good songs, and then they have Hot Blooded. Check it and see Got A fever of 103 Come on, baby. Do you do more than dance? Yeah. All right, so make sure and tell the guys from Foreigner that I hate most their music. Although I like.

[David Wilde]

But you hate Bad Company as well. See, I love.

[Adam Carolla]

I like Bad Company, but this song's horrible.

[David Wilde]

But Shooting Star, the same theme, I think is a great.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Don't you know you are a shooting star? No, Adam. No, no, no. This is part of his rock and roll fantasy. Now. Bad Company has. I'm a man, I got my pride don't need no woman to hurt me. So that's that. What song is that? That's their best song on. I'll figure. I can't. Can't figure it out with this play.

[David Wilde]

Moving on, or is that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Something. It's something. No, that's not Moving on, but it's. It's closing. No. Oh, that's a. Yeah, this ain't it. It's Good Love and Gone Bad. Good Love and Gone Bad, which is

[David Wilde]

on the same album as Rock and Roll Fantasy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Good loving. Gone Bad is great. That's it. Oh, I love and Gone Bad is a great bad co song.

[David Wilde]

I will admit. I played this with a tennis racket in my living room really many times,

[Allison Rosen]

like Risky Business style. Oh, no, he did tennis racket in a Jewish.

[David Wilde]

In a Jewish, unattractive way.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now I'm going to play a good guitar. Well, then there's. Then there's one at Dead or Alive Bon Jovi where he's singing about his six string and a six shooter and being out. It's all that. It's always a fucking disaster when the guy's singing about picking up his first guitar and all that kind of stuff. But if you play the Hyatt song. Hyatt did a song. He wrote a song about a guitar.

[David Wilde]

A perfectly good guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

A perfectly good guitar. That's what I love about David Wild. See, he's singing about a guitar, but he's singing about it breaks his heart to see those guys smash in a perfectly good guitar.

[David Wilde]

John also wrote, I think, the best car song of all time, driving song. Don't think about her when you're trying to drive the little village. That is literally my favorite. That at certain times I've said that's my favorite song of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That is a beautiful. It's beautiful, melodic song about a truck driver's like driving and his load shifting and his brakes are bad. Don't think about her when you're driving.

[David Wilde]

It's the most heartbreak, stark highway song of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

Perfect song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, now we gotta find that little village song. All right, we'll find that. I can't believe you know that song. But then you know every song, right?

[David Wilde]

Or did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Memory starts to fade. All right, should we do a little bit of news?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll bring in Paul. Is Paul here? Oh, he is here.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

One story. You can try to find that song. It's gonna be hard.

[David Wilde]

You can find it. You can find it. There's a live thing on YouTube, the

[Adam Carolla]

news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I am very torn because I have our little story for tonight, but I also have a music related story that I kind of want to do with David Wilde.

[Adam Carolla]

Wild is here.

[Angie]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Jerry Lee Lewis got married for the seventh time. Now, just to bring you up to speed, Mazel tov.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, what else can you say?

[Allison Rosen]

The man believes in love. In 1957, when he was 23, he married his 13 year old cousin, Myra Gayle Brown. The couple stayed together for 13 years before getting divorced, after which he went on to marry a number of different people. And the woman that he just married, Judith Brown, is the ex wife of Rusty Brown, Lewis's second cousin. And Rusty Brown was the brother of Myra Gale Brown, the minor cousin once removed.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be confusing.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's still in the family. Although I don't think by blood this time. I can't follow.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole thing had to be wildly confusing for the 26 year old divorcee when she was like, you know that thing where you're on your third date, we started dating again and you just start talking about, well, yeah, my ex turned out to be. And it's like, yeah, I'm divorced. I think you should know I'm divorced. Wow, so young. Was it one of those things where you just got drunk? No, we're married 13 years. Oh, what happened? You're 26? Yeah, I mean imagine you're dating the chick and it's like she's 26, she's divorced, but she was married 13 years. Like that's, that's just like you, you would think like the over under would be five and a half years or seven years. Like what would be the positive? You're dating a 26 year old chick who's divorced. Like first off, a 26 year old chick who's already divorced, that's already, odds against that already. But married over 10 years, she's like,

[Allison Rosen]

it's so hard for me to get out there because the times have changed. I don't know how to date anymore.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I think the wives who died mysteriously in the pool also might be an awkward conversation for this, for Jerry Lee.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's had a couple of those.

[David Wilde]

I think there've been a couple of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? We should sit him at Shatner's table next time we have a charity function. I can trade stories.

[Allison Rosen]

Too soon. Why, why the seventh marriage? And also why the like third through seventh?

[Adam Carolla]

He's in love with the notion of being in love.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess he's just a hopeless romantic, but I mean, how can you think that that one is gonna take? Although the woman that he just married is his caretaker as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Who cares if it takes when you're 84, you know what I mean? Like it doesn't matter. And then I just think there's people who like, well, here's the thing. It's a weird thing, but it's sort of. In a way, I guess it's like goose liver or something. There's some people that fucking love it, and some people are like, no way. You know what I mean? But not a lot of in betweeners. I know a lot of dudes, they're just dudes who like marriage. Like, getting married. Like, the notion of getting married and being married. And then there are guys that they want no part of it. And the ones that like it are confusing to other guys because they're like, what the fuck? You like it so much, But.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're saying that they like the experience of being married. Like, it's not just that they like the beginning part of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would wonder. And I would love to. I would love to figure out if those dudes don't have higher levels of circulating estrogen. Like, seriously, like, is one of those guys really, like, into wrenching on cars or cage fighting? You know what I mean? I feel like you have to have something in you that almost has you wired like a chick. I just wonder. And I know it sounds like I'm saying something pejorative here. I'm not trying to. I'm just wondering. There are dudes that are, like, wired like chicks. They'd rather sit around and gossip. Gossip than wrench on a car or something like that.

[David Wilde]

Someday we'll all be wired.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. And I wonder if Jerry Lee Lewis, like, he knew his way around a tackle box or a toolbox. Like, I just. Maybe he's got that chick thing. Maybe he's chickish. I don't know.

[David Wilde]

I've been around Jerry Lee. I don't think he has that chick thing. I had the one I worship, of course. The forefathers of rock and Grammys. A couple years ago, we had this little duet with him and Little Richard and Jerry Lee. And I remember thinking, this is gonna be great to sit in the room with these two guys and their stories. They must have. And they didn't have any stories. They didn't even want to talk to each other. It wasn't a warm, warm fuzzy.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a warm. Even with his balls on fire. I don't know. Could we find that Little Village song? Oh, did you find it?

[Mike Lynch]

Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. Wow.

[Mike Lynch]

Well, I found the John Hyde version and a couple Little Village versions.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, find Little Village, I think, version of that. See if that.

[David Wilde]

It is literally One of the most beautiful things ever written.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this it?

[David Wilde]

Yep, that's the original.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. And I've tortured everyone here with John Hyde over the years, but I've never played him this song. Yeah, he can write a slow song. Driving down that long some road tonight Looking for one star.

[David Wilde]

When I moved to la, I had never driven in New York. I got my license because Rolling Stone moved me out here. So my experience. And I had broken up with a girl at Rolling Stone. And so this was my first. This record came out right when I ate, could drive, arrive and listen to a song. And I played this song about 8, 000 times all the way to Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Trail of Tears.

[David Wilde]

Trail of Tears. I had a lot of estrogen, clearly

[Adam Carolla]

a little lactation, but mostly tears.

[Allison Rosen]

What year was that that you moved out here?

[David Wilde]

That was on the way here. No, this was a 1991. This is in that era after. This is probably a 92. 3. Right. I was doing a story on them at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Little Village here.

[David Wilde]

They really didn't get along too well.

[Adam Carolla]

The tears coming from David. Wow.

[Mike Lynch]

It's actually lactation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. It's such a sad song.

[Allison Rosen]

Between the video last night and this song, I'm tired of crying on this show.

[Adam Carolla]

Heart and your condition shouldn't be out on the road to tonight oh, David. Wiping the tears Wiping the tears away

[David Wilde]

I'm married now to my fourth cousin, so I'm fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's talking to you.

[David Wilde]

The other John Hyatt song. Not for this time, but another time you should play. I wonder if you have figured this one is. I think it's one of the more recent masterpieces. Song called Missing Pieces. You know that song?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

I think that's a killer play.

[Adam Carolla]

Next time you come in, they won't know anything about her.

[David Wilde]

That's Jim Keltner drumming. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

We talked about him.

[David Wilde]

Nick Lowe playing bass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[David Wilde]

Ry Cooter and Dark. Perfect song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. And it got tons of airplay. Oh, no, wait a minute. We had to hear John Cougar Mellon camera amp again because we're. Turn it up, here it comes. Hold the tears back, David.

[David Wilde]

It's like Chris Isaac said, somebody's crying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah,

[Allison Rosen]

Except that I'm vaguely picturing Tawny Kitain playing her. Just because of the era.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a little later, but still. All right, we can pot it down.

[David Wilde]

I had lunch with Tony Kitain in the past year.

[Allison Rosen]

And how was that?

[David Wilde]

I sexually. Very exciting for me because I.

[Allison Rosen]

You know how I meant it.

[David Wilde]

As much estrogen as I have I'm still exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's me. Great to be David Wilde, because all someone has to bring up is one of the royal. No, no, no, no. But someone can bring up any of the royal family members, living or dead, and you can just go, oh, we had brunch last weekend. And everyone goes, oh, what'd they say if I did that? They'd go, get the fuck out of here. You don't fucking know. Tanya Katane.

[David Wilde]

I'm name dropping as fast as I can, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone knows David Wild. Yeah, that is a fucking great song. And I'm. It's so sad that we have to listen to the same shitty songs over and over again. And as I scream to everyone around me all the time, where people go, well, you know, you're not David Wilde. People aren't that sophisticated. They like that John Cougar Mellencamp shit. I go, no, they don't. They don't. They would like this song if they heard it. If you fed it to them like you hand fed them all the shitty Cougar Mellencamp songs, they would like this song because it's a better song. And I know it because I force everyone around me to listen to John Hyde. And then they go, why isn't this song played on the radio?

[David Wilde]

Let me make a suggestion. This is the future of entertainment Ace Broadcasting. Maybe you should do like. Because I. Even my wife has satellite radio. I don't mind broke. And I thought I had a lifetime membership, so I refused to renew it. But even on satellite radio, they play the same stuff over and over again.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking horrible.

[David Wilde]

I think we should maybe program. I will help you program one day of the songs that are never on the radio. And you can have, I don't know,

[Adam Carolla]

you could sort of podcast not never played anymore, never got played. And it's not like, well, who's ever heard of Nick Lowe and Ry Kuda and Jim Keltner and John Hyde? I mean, these guys are, if you're in the business or even close to it, recognize as some of the top guys in the business forming together, why the fuck can't you play one of their songs on the fucking radio? And, oh, it just makes me so mad at hall and Oates and all those other shitty bands with all that shit they play over. I love Hall Notes.

[Allison Rosen]

Murder sounds like a condition.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a Jewish venereal disease. He's got the Rycuda already.

[David Wilde]

You want it rye or whole wheat?

[Adam Carolla]

That's one of those things, too. Your head should grow. Not, you know, this is when I. When you announce that you're going to run off to Vegas and marry David.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to run off to Vegas and marry David.

[Adam Carolla]

Your head should grow in the ground like an onion. And you should get the Ry Cooter.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't mean that.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't mean that.

[David Wilde]

Can you do a zip it, Ry Cooter when you end news?

[Allison Rosen]

I could.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what your dad. Your father played by Neil Diamond. That's what he should yell at you in the movie.

[David Wilde]

Now you're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Go to my PC, everybody. Love these guys. Use Go to my PC, the app for the iPhone brought to you by Citrix. Like having your work computer right there in your pocket. That's right. Or I hate to say it, but fanny pack. I travel and I need a fanny pack. I don't know what to do. The backpack's cumbersome. I want a fanny pack. Go to my PC. They got the app for the iPhone. You can edit PowerPoints. You update spreadsheets, work on any file right from your iPhone. And you can try go to my PC free 45 days, almost a month and a half for free. It's a free 45 day trial only if you use the promo code Adam. Good guys, good sponsors, great product. Go to my PC. Click on the Try it free button. Remember, use the promo code Adam. You can use it right in your iPhone. Perfecto. All right, David Wilde. What the hell, David Wild about music.

[David Wilde]

Oh, if I can just say before I leave peacefully, Joe Walsh. His wife asked. He joined Twitter this week and his first tweet included the phrase how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Which is a catchphrase.

[David Wilde]

But he asked. His wife asked. He would never ask if you would tweet to follow Joe Walsh. Just. It's O Walsh.

[Adam Carolla]

I shall. Or did we just do it?

[David Wilde]

I think you have to actually tweet it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I have to do it.

[David Wilde]

And you could say follow both of us. And that way I could pass Rick Astley, because I really. There's few things that are important to me, but I think politically, this is one thing I'm committed to.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Mike, toss that. Can you toss one out there for us? Also, speaking of plugs, a night of comedy for Project ALS coming up, Wednesday, May 2nd 2nd, 8:00 at the Montauban Theater in Hollywood. Me, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Kevin Nealon, who is a great stand up comedian. Jeff Glass, Jeff Ross, Patton Oswald. This a good night of comedy and it's 4 ALS, so if you want to get tickets they're going fast. That is Wednesday, May 2nd, 8 o' clock at the Montalban.

[David Wilde]

Kevin is also like you, one of the guys in comedy.

[Caller (Jordan/Dustin/John)]

You meet you.

[David Wilde]

You can go. Hot wife. You always wonder, why her not with you and not with Kevin. They've both beautiful wives.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much. And I'll tell my beautiful wife that. All right, David Wilde. Wilde. About music. Quick break. Paul F. Tompkins coming in next. Yeah. Back with Paul F. Tompkins. The versatile Paul F. Tompkins. I see you doing a lot of action. I see you do a lot of stand up. I see you do like hosting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do it all, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a lot of people. I think I saw you in Last Man Standing. Did I see you on the Tim Allen Show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forgot about that. Yes, you did.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, most standups are sort of crappy actors.

[David Wilde]

That is true.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I think you're not for a stand up. Oh, no, you're horrible at stand up. Great actor. So it's one of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm the Olivier of stand up actors.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you're so much better. Ronnie Dangerfield used to be. His acting was like, like, what's his act?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bugging for the camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Caddyshack. It was literally just like stuff from his act that he was just wandering

[Adam Carolla]

around saying, would you get a free bowl of soup with that head? All right, easy, buddy. Yeah. But no, there's a. There's a certain finesse to Paul F. Tompkins I saw in the Tim Allen four camera sitcom. So that's nice to be able to do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Finally, people on planes can see me as well.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's true. Because they will run those ABC sitcoms.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever been on a plane when they've played you and then have you walked sort of obnoxiously up and down the aisles? Because that's what I would do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have, I have had that experience.

[Allison Rosen]

I would.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And like, it was like JetBlue or something. Flipping through the channels To Catch a Predator. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is my episode. Fresno PD yelling hit the dirt. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He walks around holding a little bit of foliage up by him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I take it you're a virgin. Finally, I could stop DVRing the show. They ran my To Catch a Predator and the person next to me, I stopped on the show that I was on and I can't remember what it was. It's like some clip show or something. And I was waiting to see if the person next to me was going to see that I was on the tv. And then I Thought, well, wait a minute, I'm the one watching the show. This person's watching Discovery or something like that. I have to change the channel immediately.

[Adam Carolla]

The clip shows that Paul's done a ton of, and I used to do them too, I figured out they'll fuck with you because they'll go like, hey, we want to do this funny thing. We're talking about Ricky Martin. And you go like, all right. And. And then they'll interview you and you'll go, oh, I love Ricky Martin, except for I don't chug cock. And they'll cut that part on. They'll go, oh, I love Ricky Martin. And then they'll just cut to someone from Different Strokes and you'll go, oh, wait a minute. You're just using the part where I said I love Ricky Martin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The last surviving cast member of Different

[Allison Rosen]

Straits, the Earnest Meter.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, they do a lot of that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They got me with that so many times where I real. And then it finally dawned on me. It's like, you can't ever not be funny. So I started doing the setups to the things as insanely as I could.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I could never be caught just doing anything straight. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Paul F. Tompkins, by the way, has got himself a one hour standup special that's going to premiere Saturday, April 21, 11pm on Comedy Central. Laboring under Delusions, which also the unseen, uncensored and extended DVD out April 24, you can get on Amazon. And you know what that means, baby. You go into Amazon, you go through our website, gonna pick up something on Amazon. Good. Keep the pirate ship afloat. Go to amcroll.com, click on the Amazon banner, then get the Paul of Tompkins cd, Everybody wins and win some more. So that's the one hour. How many one hour specials have you done now, Paul?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is my second one.

[Adam Carolla]

Second. Yeah. And both were Comedy Central.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you go out and you'll shoot usually two shows in one night, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is the typical thing. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So wear the same shirt or bring an extra if you sweat through the first one. Right, exactly.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And every time. Every time I talk to anyone who does these things, they go, well, you do two, but you end up just probably using the second one anyway. But they never go use two. And it's a good thing we did because we toggled back and forth constantly. Yeah, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, this is the thing. So I only did one show, this last one that I did because I.

[Adam Carolla]

17 hour show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. I just did everything twice. Immediately Again, well, it's like, you know, I've been doing this a long time and, you know, knowing that I've been through that.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you're too good for that process.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's unnecessary. It's like, because you can. Because. Because you can stop down if something goes wrong. You know, the audience is especially. You're in Los Angeles. Like they've been to. Probably been in TV tapings before. They're savvy enough. You could say, all right, I screw that up, I'm going to take that again. You know, start from there.

[Adam Carolla]

What did you think? And I thought it was one of those things where Chris Rock did his last one a few years ago, and I thought it was a really cool device, but then I realized it bumped me because, oh, here he is in Tokyo telling the same joke he said in Argentina and in Cleveland.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they edit it so that he begins the sentence in London and then he finishes it in Chicago or something. And it seems like a cool idea when you think about it. And then when you see it, it shatters the little illusion of something.

[Allison Rosen]

It makes you realize. Yeah. That you're not seeing an original show

[Adam Carolla]

at all to the words. Right. It's one of those things where you go, oh, that's a cool idea. And then you see it and you go, oh, not so cool. And maybe it was too late. And it seemed like a great idea, but, yes, it sort of stepped on the illusion of comedy.

[Allison Rosen]

But wow, what editing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope it won some sort of Emmy.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, if you want to pre order my book. And my plan, by the way, for all you kids, is we're coming out number one on New York Times bestseller list. That's right. The man who barely graduated North Hollywood High. The man who graduated with a 1.7 GPA. And that is with six A's from football and baseball they used to give you back. Then imagine if I back those out of my 1.7 GPA. GPA meter, academic probation at La Valley College, functionally illiterate, and we can debut at number one.

[Allison Rosen]

Number one. I feel like Taco Bell should give you an honorary employee name tag or something. See, Taco Bell wouldn't hire him. Hence the title. Not Taco Bell material.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that so?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was once turned down for a job. Job? Ripping tickets at a movie theater. I don't know. What more do I need to be able to do?

[Adam Carolla]

You could keep going long way, short way. You're going long. No, now that's diagonal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't even get a chance to do it early. It was like, I don't think this guy's got the stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me see your hands, son. Hit the bricks.

[Mike Lynch]

Hey, Paul, did you rip this ticket? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Because it looks like you're work.

[Mike Lynch]

No, no, that was Jerry. That guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wrist text like an asshole. It would be great at the interview. They just had to tear paper. Let's see what you can do.

[Allison Rosen]

There's also a little smaller.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have the cuticles nor the intestinal fortitude. Tickets here, son. Maybe in another theater. Not at the Man. It's called man for a reason. Well, I know. Look, I just thought the. I thought the application at the Taco Bell was a formality. Like, I didn't know they'd actually review it and go, well, you can't work here. And that thing must have been a fucking disaster. I mean, I my riding for references

[Allison Rosen]

and things like that. Was it that kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, I asked for your Taco portfolio.

[Adam Carolla]

I padded it up with Noggles. And

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that from Lord of the

[Adam Carolla]

Rings and Del Taco. And there's another. You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Know Nagels is a really. What is that? Like a really old west coast restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Used to. We'll find. We'll find something. I don't know what you're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, I've heard of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Noggles was one of those places that was sort of like the Vons markets when the Johns bought it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I think. I think Del Taco took over the Noggles. That. That could just be me. But you'll. You'll see when you see the Noggles,

[Allison Rosen]

you'll going, it sounds so unappetizing.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like somebody would be burnt off at the. Yeah. At the podiatrist. He was born with Noggles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, they can correct those. Now, I brought up before that you're

[Mike Lynch]

probably part of a very, very small fraternity now of people who have been hired to endorse the companies that wouldn't hire them as teenagers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. I've done Taco Bell commercials after. Well, well, here's the whole thing. Very small group. It's a. It's a microscopic group. Because in order to not be hired to literally not be Taco Bell material at age 16, you have to have a cleft palate or hair lip or some sort of physical.

[Allison Rosen]

They deserve jobs too.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying you have to have something. You have to be grotesque physically. Something needs to be wrong. Or you're mentally just impaired to such a Point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you're holding a bong when you fill out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. You're actually, actually dipping your quill in the car. So that's how you have to be. So now that guy could never be. He's not going to be a comedian. Because if you're smart, you're fast talking and you're charismatic, then maybe you'll be a comedian, but then you'll be hired by Taco Bell. If you're functionally illiterate and semi retarded, then you'll not be hired by Taco Bell. But you're not going to go off to host the man show. So it'll be one or the other. I told him, one day I'll be working for you for scale this time, buddy. I didn't know what scale was, but I still had the last time I threw my scarf over my shoulder and I walked and then immediately walked into the fire pit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I said, good day.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to talk to the guy who was selling the notion of the fire pit in front of the Taco Bell back then. Yeah, it'll be a huge ball of fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you think people might buy 29 cent tacos without the ball of fire? I mean, how much is that going to cost us? And what if someone falls in and aren't they going to be putting their straws in there and melt it? I've made my decision. Huge ball of open flames in front of. Yeah, they had the huge fire pit. Now we got to find noggles in the huge fire pit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, didn't noggles used to have an alligator filled moat in front of there?

[Adam Carolla]

There's the noggles. It's tacos. It's 24 hours tacos. Tacos.

[Mike Lynch]

It's called like nagles.

[Adam Carolla]

I will say something about nagels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Free orange juice with steak and egg burrito.

[Allison Rosen]

God, look how, look how retro that menu looks.

[Mike Lynch]

That's Ngles.

[Adam Carolla]

There used to be. Oh, well, that's what we call look, there used to be the one that was on like Melrose and Highland or something. And I think that's the one that turned into Taco Bell. But, but the one thing about the tacos not hurt by the 24 hours, you know what I mean? Like, you know, there's certain foods where you go, you know, fill in the blanket, you know, at 3, you know, ambrosia salad at 4:00am I don't think so.

[Allison Rosen]

Sushi.

[Adam Carolla]

Sushi. Oh, 24 hour sushi. That doesn't sound. Tacos is one of those it's probably going to be better 4am than it was at 2pm because you're going to be drunk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And not, not so crazy for business.

[Adam Carolla]

No way.

[Allison Rosen]

Private detective.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the best.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Prepare food fresh, serve customers fast, keep place clean. So says Dick Naugles.

[Adam Carolla]

I like who?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And with Dick Naggles says it, we do it.

[Adam Carolla]

We do it. Let me say this. Every business starts off with some founder guy saying, you know, offer people a fair bargain at a fair price, but at some point some asshole takes it over and runs it into the ground. There's no doubt. No one ever goes, hey, I want a lot of raping of the customers and some gouging. Sprinkling, gouging. They always start off with good honest prices.

[Allison Rosen]

And good honest prices, even if we sacrifice quality. Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks, McDonald. Ray Kroc will take it over from here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah, there's the Noggles there, buddy. Well, anyway, yeah, I padded my resume with my knuckles. All right, well, we just did a 20 minute spot for a business that hasn't existed in 30 years. Awesome. I think Noggles, I would say when I was working construction, I think that there was a Noggles on Highland and Melrose. And like I used to eat there in like the 80s, I think. I think it may have made it into the 80s, early 90s. Prime target.

[Mike Lynch]

Probably a prime spot location.

[Adam Carolla]

The juggernaut known as Del Taco just took over. Just mowed them over. All right, you want to do a little made up movie? Shall we do that? Let's do it. All right. I'll tell you what. It's based on ancient Mayan prophecy. In the year 2012, a hero would rise to turn your movie titles into blockbusters. Glad it's not me. That hero is Adam Corolla. Boy, that could be me. And this is made up movie. All right, we got the top titles up there. People just threw these. They tweeted us these things. It was based on. Was this. Gary, did you show me this today or was this Matt Fondelier? It was Matt Fondelier. Hold on, Brian. I said Matt Fondelier. Said it twice. Now one more time. It was Matt Fondelier. The porcelain Punisher.

[Mike Lynch]

Double flush.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He said, boss, have you seen the trailer to this new movie? And I think I had, but he said, you and Bill Simmons definitely going to be seeing this.

[Mike Lynch]

I just saw it today with Guy Pierce.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's great.

[Mike Lynch]

It's a loose guy cannon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here we go. It's coming in two weeks. It's the world's most secure prison. It's usually the second most secure, but

[Paul F. Tompkins]

it's up there in the rankings.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say perennial top 20 or so.

[Allison Rosen]

The US news and world Report.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Secure prisons.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just say it's secure enough for you. Okay. There's been a massive Ms. 1.

[Mike Lynch]

My daughter is on a goodwill mission on that station.

[Adam Carolla]

The White House. There's only one man who can get around Dick.

[Allison Rosen]

Go, Snow.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the best there is, but he's a loose cannon. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We need to tighten up these cannons.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's the best there is, but he's a loose cannon.

[Mike Lynch]

He wise cracks on the job anyway,

[Allison Rosen]

plays by his own rules.

[Adam Carolla]

It's one of the most secure prisons on the planet. And there's only a handful of guys that could possibly, I mean, that are gettable most of the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Under a dozen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, way under Wander Baker's dozen.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's on our short list?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's double digits under Baker's dozen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Any of these dudes really will be fine. Just go alphabetical order.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's do it on it based on availability. Because obviously when you're somewhere near the best, you're usually employed. You know, I mean, that's. That's the thing. Look, whether you paint houses or, or your, your status or, you know, you're an accountant, if you're good, you're going to have a gig.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I'm gonna write them down in the order of my preference. Let's start making calls. Start at the top, down to the bottom.

[Allison Rosen]

Dealers out a few at a time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But don't.

[Allison Rosen]

But if more than one's available.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But don't make a big deal out of it. I don't want them talking to each other.

[Adam Carolla]

I run it by them. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just.

[Adam Carolla]

I just rang Snow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, what did he say?

[Adam Carolla]

He said he's one of the best. He doesn't play by the rules, he doesn't go by the book, but he plays by a pamphlet that's smaller to easier read and he can carry it with him. And he said, most importantly, this is his second to last job, so he'll do one more after this. And that's it? He said that's. That's it. Just the one more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably gonna be somewhat careful.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he says you're gonna do. This will be. He's winding down, right? This will not be his last gig. Yeah, and he's not retired, so we're not taking him out of retirement. But he's close to it. And this will be amongst his last jobs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If he were a cannon, how tight would you say he is at this stage?

[Adam Carolla]

His, you know, he's barrel. You know, he's got rifling, but he's a little bit. I wouldn't call him sloppy or loose, but let's just say if he had to put an extra hole in his cannon belt, it'd be that kind of thing. I got you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and he says he works with a couple of guys. He doesn't work a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Okay, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a few friends. Few dear friends he works with. Make room for those guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can loosen up the budget a bit, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and they don't play by the book either, but they go with his pamphlet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, so he's sort of in charge and he filters down with the pamphlet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he definitely doesn't work alone because he gets lonely. He doesn't like. Yeah, it makes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It makes the job go by faster

[Adam Carolla]

when you got a pal, right? All right, so that guy should work, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I like my guy Noggles. Call him up. Said that he's been thinking about getting back in the game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

He swore it off after he lost his daughter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what I don't like about this Noggles. He's got three rules.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And he does not deviate from that.

[Adam Carolla]

Be nice to customers, right? Keep place clean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number three, there are no rules.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, see, we could use a guy like that. Because when Dick Naugles says it, they do it.

[Adam Carolla]

The president's daughter is on the asteroid with the maximum security prison.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a goodwill mission.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like, go to Haiti. If you want to do a goodwill mission. Why are you going to the fucking maximum security asteroids?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are they making goodwill missions to prisons?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do they?

[Angie]

Are there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are they worried about the prisoners who can't vote?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. And you know what? After watching prison movies and then you watch like any prison shows, like in the yard or something, real prisoners are so fucking boring. Super slow talking Mexican guys. Like, I don't know why I stabbed them anyway. You know, the food's no good and I miss my dad. But anyway, it's like, where's Cyrus the virus and the guys with the crazy tats and the different colored eyes? You know, the normal prisoners. Someone's got to tell them the camera's on. Kick it up a notch, would you? Have fun with it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you know, I think those guys, they avoid the camera because they're. They do it because they love it. They don't do it for the glory.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just, they're just boring. The real, the real prisoners, even, like, even the multiple murders, they're. No. And the movies. Anyway, I will be there first weekend. All right. I see a movie that I like. It's. Andrew Hanwell gave us the tweet. It's called Hard Landing. Okay, now dig this. Oh, wow. I'm bringing it around. I'm bringing it around. Kevin Costner flies Air Force One. Pilot. Air Force One, right. Has a tough landing. They, they call it pilot error. But he always knows it's like with some bad potentiometer valve or something, you know, some bad hydraulic hose or something. But, but the, you know, Boeing or the main, you know, the people that make, you know, of course they're not, they're going to pin it on Costner. He's drummed out now it's 12 years on hard drinking bush pilot, working out of Alaska, just getting work where he can find it. He's the best crop dusting. Crop. Well, they don't do so much of that in Alaska, but I think that

[Allison Rosen]

just means farting in a craz.

[Adam Carolla]

Close enough. The Alaskan, the bush pilots of the guys are in there flying in and out. And you know, he's great and he's got, he's got. And at some point there's some super rich business guy and he's out on one of those. He's, he's, he's out on a salmon fishing thing where they go into the lodge and they do the whole thing. Plane crashes. Gotta keep him alive. It's basically, it's redemption. He has a daughter. Everyone blamed him for the hard landing that put that fucked up the President's neck.

[Mike Lynch]

Put him in a wheelchair.

[Adam Carolla]

Put him in a wheelchair like fdr, numerous chiropractors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Somebody had to take the fall. Yeah. So I think there's gotta be, there's gotta be a little element. There's gotta be that element of somebody wants these guys, you know. What was that Alec Baldwin movie where he was out there with Sir Anthony Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins, yeah. The edge. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With the bear.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Air Force One meets the edge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how about if there's also. Costner's got a dog who's got some. She's got some disease or something like that. This rich guy, he's got some sort of pharmaceutical company something like.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got this thing that is the only thing you can save Costner's daughter or Costner's daughter died because this guy keep this drug off the market.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So even though Costner has an axe to grind with this guy, he's still going to save his life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And teach him a lesson about humanity and humility.

[Allison Rosen]

Too late.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

For his daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But he's not gonna let bitterness consume him.

[Adam Carolla]

And he has that moment where the guy's hanging off the cliff and he's holding the rope. That's right. And he says, do you know the name Dakota McMahon? Now, how should I? She's my daughter. And she's just one of the nameless, faceless many you've killed. I should let this goddamn rope go.

[Allison Rosen]

Right now, all she needed was five cc's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Not covered under insurance. The co pay was way too high. Maybe I'm getting too wordy, you know. Hold on. I'm losing my grip on this. Where was I?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have a contracted rate for paying with cash? But they said no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rich guy played by Gene Hackman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike Lynch]

Good luck getting him out of retirement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did he retire?

[Allison Rosen]

Because he doesn't play by the rules.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a loose cannon.

[Adam Carolla]

And we'll bring it back to one last score. Flashback scenes with Dakota Fanning's kid's sister, Elle Fanning. Elle Fanning.

[Adam De La Pena]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike Lynch]

Why do I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Because you're pedophile. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Then answered.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So hard landing. Air Force One. Bush pilot now gets the guy from. You know, and we make up the. We take the drug company and we call it like Galaxtar or something. You know, we take like a couple of drug things. We put it together.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You guys see anything you like? What do you like up there?

[Mike Lynch]

How about Playmaker? Javi has tee it up.

[Adam Carolla]

How about Kevin Costner again?

[Mike Lynch]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Plays an out of work golfer. Costner. What? You're right.

[Mike Lynch]

On the golf, though, how about Dave Chappelle? Plays sort of a Tiger woods type. And his image is ruined because of scandal. A sex scandal. Image ruins. He wants to get back in the game. He still has the ability, but he's lost all his endorsements. He's out. He's out to the skin.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go as a white guy. He's got to go as a white

[Paul F. Tompkins]

guy thinking the same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

He's got reverse soul, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He puts on white face. Who is this great white golfer, wears

[Mike Lynch]

a Svengali, like, you know, princess person who, like, manipulates the whole Comeback, you know, plans the whole thing. Gets him a hot young wife or whatever and, you know, adopts a kid and hooks him up with a new caddy and all that stuff. And you're gonna find it's hard to believe. Chappelle falls for the PR lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Falls for the PR lady. That's right. Tee it up.

[Mike Lynch]

Teeing up his comeback.

[Allison Rosen]

Who plays her? Because I was between. Tom Cruise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. I like the part. I like the part where he becomes the white guy work.

[Allison Rosen]

Funny vignette where he's learning. How is it all. It's just funny vignette.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's mentored. Mentored by grizzled former pro golfer. Disgraced pro golfer.

[Adam Carolla]

Rip Torn is going to get back. Damn exciting stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's good, because he knows the old boys network, that control, that controls golf. As we all know, the pga. Let's call them the pga.

[Adam Carolla]

For example. All right, let's do one more. Paul, do you have one? Or Alison, do you have one?

[Allison Rosen]

I want Paul to choose. If he wants to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm going to say blind spot. From Antonio Babic. Matthew McConaughey. He's an advertising executive. He has sold his soul to sell junk to people who don't need it. And he's the master of. Of arresting visual ads. Caused people to get into car accidents, stuff like that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the beginning scene. Yes. Is him top of the world, walking through the office. Yeah. Looking great. That's right. Everyone kissing his ass.

[Allison Rosen]

People are trying to hand him things as he goes.

[Adam Carolla]

He knows everyone's name. There's some sort of funny exchange with coffee. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Women lean out of their cubicles to

[Adam Carolla]

watch him walk, you know. And then he has the hot secretary who asked the basic explain that two chicks he fucked are on the line simultaneously. And she found these in the drawer last night. We have that thing where it's like. And he pulls up in. In the vintage convertible Jag, you know. And by the way, parks wherever he wants. It's a crowded Manhattan. Just parks right in front of the building. Doesn't appear to even shut the car off or pull the keys out or anything. Just hops over the passenger seat and starts walking into the front of the building. Fakest part of every thing is where they park.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's never any fucking. Fucking elevator in the parking guy. And keep circling around. And some asshole parking. They just pull right in front of the Manhattan spot hotspot. They just jump, right. Like on Broadway. Just jump out.

[Allison Rosen]

And then getting into their high rise, there's no holding the key card or the key ID thing there. Flashing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's on the way home. Yeah, it worked. They park right in front and the high rise. No problem. Doorman skips the cap. He always buffs them out real good. Yeah. So he's good looking. He's dapper. He's juggling the phone calls. He has too many hot chicks calling him at once. But what happens? And he's selling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He struck blind in a freak accident.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so now he can't rely on his keen visual senses anymore to sell people things. He doesn't know what stuff looks like. So he. He has to. Now this is how he learns about the world around him and what a shallow person he's been because he's been relying on just the one way of looking at things.

[Adam Carolla]

Jennifer Garner is the secretary who he finds out he only sees her beauty after he loses his sight.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's that moment where he's touching her.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Where he takes her glasses off.

[Mike Lynch]

Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She has

[Allison Rosen]

fingertips grazing her double chin. Which you'd have in this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys can't do the glasses, hair in a bun math. Like, if Gisele punch and had her hair in a bun, someone made. Right? And they're gonna be like, who is that cow out of the way? She's blocking a five wizened old crone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go back to the old country. Baba Yaga.

[Adam Carolla]

You disgust me. That's right. We couldn't tell if Ellen McPherson had glasses and her hair in a bun. We never. We just can't do that math. It's impossible. Can't tell. Fine. Mel, this is playing over and over again.

[Mike Lynch]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So then once he finally redeems himself by, you know, this campaign that is just like. It's like a blank billboard that somehow captivates everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like, I get it. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then he regains his sight, and he's redeemed and he donates all his money to this, you know, clinic for the blind or whatever. And he retires on some island with. With Jennifer Garner.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because he kept some of the money.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we wouldn't like him if he

[Adam Carolla]

gets it all the way. Right. I like that blind spot. Wow. I think we got some winners here. All right. Where the hell were we? Will return. In Made Up Movie Part two, he was blind and could tell he lost his sight.

[Allison Rosen]

It's never like. And then he got his sight back and turned right back into the prick he was before.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I'd be right back in prick mode seconds after I got my sight back. Or I'd double down on the prickettude. Now that I can see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm invincible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it turns out I'm immune to blindness.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I'd be so tortured. Like, I'd just be like, is there anyone around I have to fart? Is there anyone in this room with me? Okay, I'm farting. You'd have to announce when you're farting, right? Yeah, it'd be horrible. All right, should we do a little. Should we do a little news before we call tonight? Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

The Supreme Court. The court ruled by a 5 to 4 vote that officials may strip search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails, even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband. Some examples of strip searches performed for minor offenses include searches on people arrested for violating a leash law, driving without a license and failing to pay child support, driving with a noisy muffler, failing to use a turn signal, and riding a bicycle without an audible bag.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this guy did something he didn't even do, and then he got strip searched.

[Allison Rosen]

And, yeah, the whole case came about because this guy, Albert Florence in New Jersey in 2005, was in the passenger seat of his BMW when a state trooper pulled his wife April over for speeding. And a record search revealed an outstanding warrant for his arrest based on an unpaid fine. But it turns out that the fine actually had been paid. So they had bad information. And we have little details of the strip search in jail, though. Turn around. Mr. Florence recalled being told by jail officials, squat and cough. Spread your cheeks. I didn't know they do any of

[Adam Carolla]

that for traffic violations.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, that's the thing is now justices are, you know, upholding the ruling that you can be searched for anything. If they have any reason to suspect, they can make it up.

[Adam Carolla]

It's usually. You see, that's just. It's sort of a tool. I really do think that cops want this as a tool in their little. Their tool bags. Because if you're a dick, that's what you get. Here's what I suspect. Cops can always sort of do anything they want or traditionally could always do whatever they want. So here's what happens. You get pulled over, you're giving your wife a ticket. She's checking something. Next thing you know, he's saying, sir, get out of the car. You're going to. Jesus Christ, we're going to dinner. I already paid my I'm a dentist. Believe me, I remember, sir. Get in the back of the car. You know, all the way to fucking precinct. The guy was like, this is such bullshit. We're supposed to meet a couple for dinner tonight. I paid that fucking ticket six months ago. I'm so fucking pissed off. This is such bullshit. And the more you complain, now you're getting the strip search. Yeah, that strip search is the. We don't think the well dressed guy in the passenger seat. And by way, the why is he black? Oh, really? Ooh, now we got something. Now we got something.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not how I look.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, why are we letting him drive? Why is he letting his wife drive? Was he drunk? Because the only time I let my wife drive is when I'm three times the limit. Two and a half. I'm taking the wheel.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, maybe he enjoyed her driving.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that his wife? Wow, that's a look. Scottie Pippen was kind of an angry look. Nobody looks. Well, I think that was a. We need a picture of you looking angry for being. Strip search. I don't think anyone who. I don't think other guys enjoy strip searching.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Other guys, I can't imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's an element of you bitch out cops and they'll go, fuck you. Now we're strip searching you. Yeah, also for some reason. That's his attorney, not his wife. And for some reason, the prisons, although I understand it, I mean, not for this bullshit. Look, we don't know what to fucking do with our laws. We really, really. They're guys who kill people that do, you know, do two years in jail and then they're people who sell, you know, a couple tabs of acid at a Fish concert and do 14 years in jail. Like, we're all fucked up. We're all over the road when it comes to our laws. But if you fuck around with cops, they'll fuck with you. And I know this guy and rightfully so. Said this fucking bullshit. Come on. I took care of this shit. I'm going out to dinner with my wife. Wife. And they went, now you're getting a strip search. So the whole thing is, whether you like it or not, once the cops take control of your world, and the second here's when a cop takes control of your world. And I want to say this to all the three black guys we have listening to the show for that moment, like when they.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a service.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a service. No, seriously, it's important. Believe me, the Jews and whitey, we understand this very complicated completely. When. When. When the cop. When he walks up to your. The window of your car and goes, you know, I pulled you over, or could I see some id? He is now conductor, principal. He is grand poobah. He is the CEO and the cfo. He is the lord of your world for that moment. And I don't care if he makes 42 grand a year and you make $4 million a year. Year. For that one fucking moment, he's in charge. And then depending on how you act, he will decide whether to ruin your night or let you go with a warning. Really? And if you. If you do the. If you do the. And believe me, there's assholes out there that are gonna fuck with you no matter what, but by and large, if you do the. I'm so sorry, officer. I had no idea I was speeding. And I'm going to reach for the glove compartment now and get my license and ID out of the glove. I hope that's. You do the ass kiss mode with them. Nine times out of ten, they'll take it easy on you. I mean, you'll not get fucked with. You might get a ticket and you'll get these. Sorry, this is my job. And I'll have a good night. And try to slow it down. Or maybe you can do Travis, go. They'll start backpedaling a little bit. They might give you the ticket, they might give you the warning, but if you start in with them, they're the fucking. Even though they're only just dicks you went to high school with, who sort of. Who sort of didn't make it and couldn't play at the next level in football and you're successful and everything like that. They're the fucking gatekeeper. And if you fuck with them at all, they go, all right, now you're coming with me. And now you're getting a strip search.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what do you do then? If. Let's say, they want to search your car or they want to give you a sobriety test or any of those things where you always hear, you don't have to submit to that stall. Don't do that. Like all these things that you're supposed do to sort of resist and. I mean, I guess it depends if you're hiding something.

[Adam Carolla]

Paul's got a mustache, so he can answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, here's what you do. You just remind them, my taxes pay your salary.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, they do love that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then he will tip his cap.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he will say, please, sir, be on your way.

[Adam Carolla]

I Do apologize. And it's also, also if you ask him, he just inquires if there's any banks being robbed right now. That seems to be effective too. That's right. All you do, all you can do is go into pure fucking brown nose mode. And yes sir, no sir. And the second you fucking. Because that's, you understand, if you want,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

you don't even have to like really pour on. You just have to be like super respectful, right? And act like he is in charge because he is and that you know that he is.

[Allison Rosen]

But people say that, you know, if you have had a couple drinks and they want to test you, you should stall. You should make them take you to the station. You should do all these things that I think are gonna piss them off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, you're going to the station. I mean, that's the whole thing. If you won't take field sobriety test or breathalyzer, then you'll go in and you'll take a blood test.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's sort of like math you have to do before you get in that situation. Of okay, if I do get caught in this, what are the steps along the way that I will have to submit to in order to avoid this other thing?

[Allison Rosen]

See, I know that if I got caught, I would just roll over and piss myself.

[Adam Carolla]

The pull.

[David Wilde]

No, you're doing the right thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether it's, you know, whether you've had a couple of beers or whether you've been pulled over for nothing or whether, whether it's even a false allegation like the ID or you know, the warrant that was paid or the ticket that was paid or whatever it is. You just go into full ask us mode. As shitty as it is and as much as it sucks, you just go into fucking ask us mode. And they will tend. That's your only shot. That's the only way. Just full ask us mode. And you can probably avoid the strip search if you're in full ask us mode, ironically.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're saying that because even if they are going to bust you on something, they're going to go easier on you because you're being a butt kisser.

[Adam Carolla]

Ultimately, they're cops because they like, they're eager for the fray. Like they, they're cops because they want to get into it. They want to, they want you start pushing. They fucking love to push back. And it's a fight they're always gonna win because they have pepper spray, a gun and a backup. So they almost. You can tell time for it. You can tell like when cops especially Pull over a guy they've been chasing or something. They want that guy to take a fucking swing at him. So they can all just fucking bum rush and pig pile, whatever. So they kind of want it. But by the same token, if you give them the I feel like an idiot, and I'm sorry, I was wrong, you can bum them out a little bit, and they'll start going into. You know what? You can probably just get. You can get traffic court and you traffic school, and you can probably beat it. You know, like, you'll even then, like. And don't do it again. Like, I've gotten tickets from the guy who felt bad giving me a ticket versus the guys, like, being a dick, and you're being a dick back at him. So second, they just. They operate on pressure. You push, they push back twice as hard. They feel no push. That's your only chance. All right? And the problem. And here's the problem, honestly, with what goes on in the black community is the black guys feel like they're getting pulled over because they're black, and they feel like it's bullshit. And so they're already in this, fuck this, this is bullshit mode. Which it is, but whitey doesn't have that element of race. So we have the. Although half the time I get pulled over, it's a Mexican guy or a black guy. So I should feel like he's racist and hates white people. But I never. I don't do that math fast enough. But we don't have that. This is bullshit because of the race. We just have this as bullshit because I'm getting pulled over for no front license plate, which is bullshit. But we don't have the extra. I'm being singled out because of my race.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then it takes a few hundred years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To accumulate.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, your mouth to God's ears. So you get that element going. And now you have a pissed off black guy. And now the cops going, good, I got a pissed off black guy. And now we're going for cavity check.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, Katie Couric is guest hosting this week on Good Morning.

[Adam Carolla]

She had a cavity search, too, on tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly. Speaking of cavity searches, she's mouthing off

[Paul F. Tompkins]

to the doctor supposed to take her temperature.

[Allison Rosen]

She's filling in for Robin. Robin Roberts. And Good Morning America is on ABC. And it's a longtime competitor to NBC's Today show, where Couric used to host. Seemingly in response, NBC announced that Sarah Palin will guest host the Today show on Tuesday.

[Adam Carolla]

How. Why do we. Here's. Okay, call me Whatever. But wow, who the fuck cares? Like, like Robin Roberts or Katie Couric?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, well, Katie Couric and Palin famously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, that, no, I'm saying, I'm saying. But these people who get $9 million to host these things, like I did Kathie Lee and Hoda's show when I, when I was in New York off of like 15 minutes fucking sleep, and they were fucking horrible. They're just horrible at their job. I mean, I, I've done.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that their thing?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[David Wilde]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They drink their wine and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they're literally just bad. Like, they're really bad. The View girls are bad. Like, I've done the View. I've done all the show. Once in a while you get interviewed by someone who's competent, someone's funny, someone's articulate. That's me. And then there's Hoda and Kathy and they're fucking horrible. It's like a couple of your mom's friends who've had too much chardonnay at a wedding talking to you about your stand up skit or something and laughing at the wrong time. And you realize, I think internally that's

[Allison Rosen]

actually how they sold the show. None of that were friends who've had too much chardonnay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just go, it's a written pitch. Fucking horrible. And you realize, realize, why are they getting 5 million bucks a year for? And we can't do any better than this.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, because people like to wake up to them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know something? I don't like to see themselves on television. Maybe that's why they like reality tv. That's why like all. That's why George Bush was president. It's like the whole thing of like, yeah, somebody like me, I just want to see more people like me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but that's. I thought that's what entertainment was for, was like, so you wouldn't be seeing versions of yourself. You would be seeing so many cooler or more interesting or competent on television.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, that's the approach I take to porn. It's the approach I take to entertainment. That's my whole thing. It's like once in a while when you see that guy who's dating his doppelganger and it's like, I thought the whole point of being with a chick is to be with someone wildly different than you physically. Like, you don't want another you fucking you do. We all see that weird, weird couple with the same haircut and the same facial features. And you're like, they're both wearing the Minnie Mouse sweaters. Right, right. And it's like, what? And I, I completely agree. I don't want to. I want Cirque du Soleil. Like, I want to go, what the. How'd they do that? I could never do that.

[David Wilde]

That's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The next thing is regular people. Cirque du Soleil

[Adam Carolla]

open call.

[Allison Rosen]

Gun sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, guy go. Like, I can use my universal remote and answer the phone. Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so Sarah Palin years ago was a newscaster. And here's some footage from that. And she's pretty good. And look at her hair.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's not the only mushing going on.

[Allison Rosen]

A few more of the Yukon Quest mushers finished up in Whitehorse today. Kate Persons, John Shandelmeier and Dennis Coghill grabbed the sixth, seventh and eighth spots. Dave Munson, of course, won that race

[Angie]

a couple of days ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. That is quietly one of the biggest lesbian sports on the planet.

[Allison Rosen]

Mushing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mushing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Iditarod.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is the sport called? I know the Iditarod. Is the race. Is it called sled racing? Dog racing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, dog sled racing.

[David Wilde]

I'll put them together.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a musher. You are a musher.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it really just called mushing?

[Adam Carolla]

And they literally.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it is. You're mushing box.

[Adam Carolla]

They're mushing. That's right. Right. They cover carbon musher. They cover like 1500 miles. And I mean, what are they trying to prove? Well, you know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go around in a circle for a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I say about the LA marathon. We have to fucking shut the town down. It's right up there in the sort of danger and effort to pussy category. Like with Rodeo clown. Like never have, you know, it's an amazing feat.

[Mike Lynch]

Dude, it's all pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. But there are a handful of dudes that'll win like every year. But it's a crazy feat. Five of your dogs will die during the course of this thing. You're not going like from here to San Francisco. It's more like you're going from here to Atlanta or something. On a fucking frozen sled. The dogs pulling you. I mean, over hills and shit. It's nutty. It takes like 14 days. I mean, people are getting their toes cut off. And you want to win 80 bucks and like Hunger Games.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But there's hot chocolate at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's cocoa. Well, post them, but yeah, good enough. It's warm.

[Allison Rosen]

It's water.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You won't complain once you get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Noggles and post them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, noggles.

[Adam Carolla]

Good morning, crew. Hey, it's 8:55:55 after the hour. It's five away from top of the hour. Noggles and post them in the morning. We got a savage guard super set coming up. We got. What do we got? Douchebag. Douchebag. Where you got. Gonna be doing a. Steve. Such a fat idiot, man. You fatty. Get out of my face. Fat. 8:56. Four away from top of the hour. Noggle supposed. Coming top of the hour. Four way sad. Super Coming up. Where are you gonna be again?

[Mike Lynch]

Hold on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm done.

[Mike Lynch]

Done being fat and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're so fat, man. You're so retarded, man. It's been 85 seconds. Bumper stop stickers. Yeah, get T shirt out there. Hey, man, you're such a pig, man. Just fat. Some fatty. Eight fifty, seven, fifty. Don't forget three. Waif. He's so dumb. Fat dumb. This guy's so dumb. He's so fat. So fat dumb. Sorry. Now, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a sequel to 1988's Twins in the works. The comedy would reunite stars Arnold schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. But they would discover they have a third brother played by Eddie Murphy. Murphy.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie Murphy. His. I don't know how this. I don't. I think his entourage has so many layers that you could never. Even if you got a running start, you'd only penetrate the first level. He sees entourages, it's sort of like Kevlar, you know? Like, you see the bullet shooting it. It only breaks the first couple levels and it never gets through. Like, you could never. His fucking last movie is zero on Rotten Tomatoes, on the critics and the top critics. And it's literally like O for 61. Like, that's almost mathematically impossible. It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did they find this pitch in a block of ice?

[Allison Rosen]

It was cryogenically frozen until the audience needed more from this franchise.

[Adam Carolla]

First one sucked, too. Like, everyone that. You had to be 13 and stupid to like the first one because once you got the Danny DeVito Schwarzenegger thing going. We're twins, okay? We get it. Two hours later. Not fucking funny. Yep, it is. 50 regular critics over 50 and over 17 in the top because he's 0 for 67 over. Jesus Christ. What is. Does he have a fucking brain tumor? Like, what happened to him? Or is it just. Oh, sorry. Is it just the posse? Like, is nobody reading a script? What's going on? I Mean, I'm sure he's a colossal diva and pain in the ass and no one wants to work with him. And so I was talking to Mike August about this and it's like he just basically said, look, no decent director will work with him because he's such a fucking diva. These guys are. They're almost clinically insane. Like, I think Eddie Murphy's just insane. Yeah. And nobody good would work with him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wonder if that's a function of his having gotten successful so early. Early when he was so young.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no way you could handle that stuff. To be on this legend, you know, at that time in his life, already a legendary TV show, he's what, 19 years old?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he becomes the star of it almost immediately. Nobody's talking about anybody else on that show. A Little Joe Pistol.

[Adam Carolla]

And his first three movies were insanely incredible. And he was.

[Mike Lynch]

The whole movie that age was so good.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's. And that's the part that sort of makes this sad. Like, I don't mind, you know, I'm not sitting around and lamenting Pauly Shore's career. Wonderful, white hot comet. Comet, you know, he's burnt out. But I mean, what happened with Pauly Shore? Yeah, no, I mean, even when you watch the Nutty professor and you see him doing all the characters at the table, you go, this guy's incredibly gifted ball of talent. Why is he doing these shitty movies? Couldn't he hook up with someone who could write? Or maybe he can write. I mean, something other than this. And these fucking remakes of shitty 80s movies. It's insane. It's like all I have to do is throw my hands up to the heavens and make some sort of decree. And immediately the cosmic gears start moving. Like five years ago, I was like, why are we making Land of the Lost? Why are we taking super shitty movies? And we'll stop making original movies? Like, they're all just going to be warmed over turds from the 70s and 80s and then the next generation is never going to be able to have their. I love it when no country for Old Men comes out. Or even Goodfellas, or just something where you go, I've never seen this movie before. When Raising Arizona came out and he just went, I've never seen anything like this. Or Fargo or something like that. Where you go, I, I don't know this movie. I love it.

[Allison Rosen]

Or There Will Be Blood or Magnolia, which evidently our guest was in, only he was cut out of Magnolia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is true. My voice still survives.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I only watched a Blu Ray. Wrap it up, sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, Ry Cooter.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. That with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. Gazelle.com back. You got the new iPad, got the latest iPhone. How do you pay for the upgrade? You know what? Our own Mike lynch, by the way, did this. He's got the iPhone 4, is it? Yeah. He talks into the thing, and it tells him what to do.

[Allison Rosen]

This man was given the new iPad, and I still have the first version.

[Adam De La Pena]

This is just not fair, Gazelle.

[Adam Carolla]

It. The rich just keep getting richer. So you gazelled. I gazelled my iPhone 3 and I stepped up to the 4s, got 100 bucks. 100 bucks for it. I just put it in a box, or they sent a box. I put it in the box, sent it back 100 bucks, like a week later. And that's covered in lynch sebum, by the way, which knocked 50 bucks immediately off the going, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It has the depth of the waxy coating.

[Adam Carolla]

He gazelled it. So you want to trade up, and you have to, right? You got to keep moving up. You got to keep trading up. And usually the thing's worth nothing. And yeah, you do your part because you can't throw it in a landfill. They end up on a beach in South Africa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to go to that big floating island of plastic in the middle of the Pacific.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You don't want that, do you? You want to find out what your gadget's worth. You take a minute, you go to gazelle.com, you find out that's gazelle.com. don't just sell it. Gazelle it. And last but not least, mangrate. Oh, our favorite. Love these guys. They started up with us. They started the pirate ship. Been over two years. They've had a great success story advertised with us. And now they're back. They got a $20 special. Two big cast iron grates. I mean, the box, Brian. The box, baby.

[Mike Lynch]

Some gifts, like, for example, if you have, like, a gift card, you feel kind of bad because here's a little flimsy gift card. You do not get cheated out of your man grate. They give you an awful lot of man grate for your money.

[Adam Carolla]

It wouldn't fit in a stocking, but if it was a stocking stuffer, it would take the whole fucking chimney down. That's how badass it is, is it's just big chunks of Detroit iron. Made in America, cast in America, 100%.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm making those on my own. I didn't realize there was a service where I could go get these.

[Allison Rosen]

Put down the input.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like an idiot. Paul.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, here we go.

[Allison Rosen]

Put your back into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Please take that as a parting gift. The man Grate. The wonderful Mangrate grill enhancement system. Steakhouse Grilling. Unbelievable. No more flare ups, no more dry meals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This box says just set them on your grill to cook like a pro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, well, that's what I'll do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Box.

[Adam Carolla]

It's short for professional.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on a second. Has this thing been seen on tv? Oh, it has has.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know it'd been seen on tv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. This is what it looks like as seen on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

It is unbelievable. Plus, every order through the site comes with a special edition Adam Carolla show branded grilling brush.

[Allison Rosen]

You could use it on your hair.

[Adam Carolla]

You could do that on your new mustache.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. That's right. All right, man Great, everybody. We'll beat the single man.

[Adam De La Pena]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody. No. It's the best 20 bucks you'll ever spend in your life. Easily. I don't care if. I don't care if your kid's dying because it got bit by a rattlesnake and the venom is 20 bucks should still buy the man great instead. That's right.

[Mike Lynch]

Anti serum, anti venom or Mangrate mangrove.

[Allison Rosen]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Because look, the kid eventually is just gonna move out, go gay and hate you. But the man Great, that's gonna keep giving. You know what I'm saying? St. Louis Pageant Theater Friday, April 20St. Louis Fitzgerald Theater. Oh, sorry. St. Paul Fitzgerald Theater. Boy, I've arrived. Somebody said some guy from StubHub bought the whole front row and is gouging people. I've never been more flattered in my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. You know you've arrived. Fitzgerald Theatre Saturday, April 21 and me and Dennis Prager on stage in San Diego. Spreckels Theater Saturday, May 5th. How about that? Seats going fast. Everyone loved the last one, so let's come on out and do that. Paul F. Tompkins Laboring Under Delusions premieres Saturday, April 21st, 11pm on Comedy Central. And again, you can get the DVD at Amazon. And when you go to Amazon, baby, click through the Adam Corolla website. Show a little love to Paul and us. So until next time, Adam Corolla, Paul F. Tompkins, Allison Rosen and Paul Brian Saying mahalo. Is there anyone around I have to fart? All right, does Adam carolla show up? So792, that does it for this weekend's. Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune next week weekend for three all new installments.

[Mike Lynch]

Until then, mahalo and get it on.