Giovanni (0:00)

Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Corolla Classics until we return. Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like to click clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Corolla Substack. All right. On the clips we have Adam Carolla Show 2940, Jim Gray, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This one's from November of 2020. I hope you enjoy. Hey fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Perolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack. We have one the Daily Mail Jeffrey Toobin is fired from the New Yorker. Republican right. Daily Mail right leaning is fired from the New Yorker weeks after being caught masturbating on Zoom Call. But then if you go to the other side of the aisle, what does HuffPo have to say? He was wrongly accused. He was. He. At your introspective moment, man is fired from job. Jeffrey Toobin fired for trying to fix the wing of a butterfly. They're afraid of pants. New York Times says Jeffrey Toobin fired by New York by New Yorker. CNN says Jeffrey Toobin fired from New Yorker after exposing himself on a Zoom call. CBS says same thing. Exposure incident. So all the folks Washington Post left leaning says that Jeffrey Toobin fired by New Yorker magazine after incident. Sorry, indecent exposure investigation. Well, they put in decent there at least. So this is the thing with news now. So if you get your news from CNN or the New York Times or USA Today didn't say anything about masturbation or LA Times. If you just get your news from then, then you'll be confused, at least in this incident. Cuz it's just exposure versus checking the alternative stuff, which would then let you know that he was masturbating on this zoom call. But I thought about. It's a very interesting. It sounds like a weird place to make an example, but this is the example of where we're living right now. It's masturbation versus exposed, right? If it's on the left, it's exposed. If it's on the right, it's masturbation. It's the same story. We're getting a slightly. You know what you would do if you liked him versus what you would do if you didn't like him. Although in this case the folks who don't like him are more accurate because he was masturbating on a zoom call. But I thought we could do a reenactment. I thought, who gets to be Toobin on the zoom call? I do. Oh, I get to be Toobin as the boss. Gina. That's right. You two are a Mormon couple and we're contemporaries. We're the same age and you're an old family friend of the Toobins. And it's not like we hang out, but you know, back in the day, you're family friends and I, Jeffrey Toobin, am. I'm going to. I'm at the airport and I'm catching a flight to Alaska to just kind of chill my heels for. And by the way, have some room to spread out my thighs a little, you know, get back to my first love with do what you're best at. I'm tired. I like Alaska because it's dark 24 hours a day there, which is great. They don't talk, you know, they talk about salmon and they talk about Kodiak bears, but they don't talk about beat off travel, you know what I mean? Like tourism. That beat off tourism, you know what I mean? Oh, you hear about all the highfalutin sex tourism, like you're going to the Netherlands or going, going to Thailand or something like that. But what about, what about the guy who loves beating off and also wants to travel? He's talking to his beat off buddies. I'm going to the North Pole. Oh, you lucky dog. Yeah, yeah, we got to watch that Al Pacino movie to figure out exactly what month it is. Insomnia. So you go there, you get 24 hours of darkness and the beat off production is through the roof, you know what I mean? Because when that sun is just streaming through that paper thin shade in the morning, how are you supposed to get anything done? You roll over, you see the picture, your son on the nightstand. I don't know why you have to travel with it, but it's there. All right. No good. So I'm going to Alaska where it's dark and I can get some beat off time. And also, I don't. I want to get out of the public eye. You guys were just fostering some mission stuff over in Mozambique, you know? Sure. And you had. You were in a village. You didn't have electricity, you didn't know what Internet. You couldn't travel because of the COVID thing. You've been trapped there for nine months. You haven't heard anything about this story. And as it turns out, we just. We meet each other and then we run into each other in the airport. I think you guys are gonna have to see me because I'm probably wearing a ball cap and trying to. You're probably out hailing old friends, right? Right. All right, so here we go. I'm walking through the airport. We're walking from our flight. Oh, that's a long flight from Mozambique. I can't believe they fly direct. Carl, Is that. Is that Jeffrey? Oh, it's Jeffrey. No, Jeffrey from the picnics. Oh, man, he's doing so well for himself. Let's go. Oh, goodness, what a gift we were given to see him. The first person back from Mozambique. Excuse me, is Je. Jeffrey? Um, yeah. I mean, no. Oh. Oh. Bernadette. Bernadette. Bernadette. Carl. Carl. Yeah. Oh, hey, how are you, buddy? Uh, you know, come see, come saw. Boy, I tell you, if we just the guy to run into. We have been unplugged for months. In a village of all places. Can you believe it? Mozambique. I don't know what's going on. And we run into the news guy. You are a sight for sore eyes. Yeah, Yeah. I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit down these days. I don't wanna lay too much on you. Coronavirus got you down. Yeah, we've heard about that. I can only imagine what it's like. You know, I had a little dust up at work and we kinda decided to part ways and. Editorial kind of thing, you wanted to, you know, say, speak your mind on the president or something. And I wouldn't let you. Whose name goes in the byline? Well, no, I've always had editorial freedom over there. But no, it wasn't really. It's a great. With the coronavirus, they're cracking down on people Putting personal effects and knickknacks on their desk. Did you have a dust up about the cactuses? I remember you collected those cactuses. Well, it was cacti. I burn it. That's silly. Stupid. Yeah. God, they. It was something they saw, you know, during a Zoom call, but it wasn't a. You know, it wasn't a salt shaker shaped like a cactus. If. If that's something else on your desk. On my desk. Were you looking at some Fox News stuff? I assume that it was, you know, probably verboten over there to look at Fox News. Too personal? No, no. I watch Tucker every night just to kind of monitor it. They know that it wasn't so much political. Well, gosh, Jeffrey. I mean, what happened? We're just. We're so sorry to hear it. And you. Oh, I get. So they're. They're sending you on an investigative. What do you call it? A report. An investigative report to the Yukon Territory. Yeah, no, I'm just going there to get a little R and R, you know. Oh, yeah. Well, post election, you gotta relax, man. I heard the election results went on for days. You were probably up for. You probably got one hour sleeping on the air like that, analyzing the results. Oh, yeah, I was up all right. Oh, boy. We can't imagine how hard that was. Oh, I was up. I was good and up. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you seem hungry, Jeffrey. I have some snacks. Do you. Do you. Do you need anything? I have jerky. I have, let's see, yogurt. Yeah. Gazelle jerky from. Yeah, it's delicious. Girthy. Yeah, I'm having trouble eating. You know, I love my job over there at the New York New Yorker magazine on CNN and all that for all those years, you know, so many years over there. Oh, my God. I got a whole bunch of articles ready to go that saved from what I missed when I was. Yeah, I won't be working for either one of those entities anymore, so I'm a little. Does something. I don't mean to be indelicate. Does something go wrong? Well, you know, we were doing a Zoom call and we've done this. Yeah. And, you know, the thing about Zoom is you're really inviting every one of your colleagues you're on the Zoom call with. Into your personal space. You know, imagine how intimate it is. I mean, here you all are just, you know, looking at each other and, you know, bathrobes, perhaps. Yeah. Oh, Carl, now, I mean to be racy. I'm sorry. That's a little. Hey, Carl. Okay. We don't want to embarrass Jeffrey. Okay. Yeah. I wish it was a bathroom. The racy talk. Yeah, it'd be nice. It was a bathrobe. I'm sorry, what? I'm saying it would be nice if it was just the bathrobe. I. Jeffrey, were you wearing a ladies nightgown? Is there a wardrobe malfunction? No, the gym shorts came down by themselves. I mean, with a little help from me, I. I should say. Oh dear. You know, Jeffrey, we've heard in Mozambique one time Carl was sitting at the table and got a whole mess of carpenter ants that got no hole in his pocket. He had to rip his shorts down and run outside. Oh, I hope that didn't happen to you. Yeah, that's. Some of that. Some of that happened to me. I thought that only happened. I was the only one wearing clothes. So it wasn't odd. I mean I just sort of joined the. I. I did have to rip my. My shorts off. Yeah. Oh, Jeffrey. Yeah. Well, I'm sure the employer understands it was an emergency situation. Sure. And I hope you sought medical attention quickly. I wasn't. It was more of a self inflicted wound. A little less carpenter ants and little more at my own hands. I should say hand singular. Carl, I think he's a cutter. Remember. Remember Susie's stepdaughter? Yeah, we saw that. We're like her stepdaughter. I think he's a cutter. Yeah, I can hear you whispering. I can hear you whispering. He's only a way. Are you a cutter? Are you a cutter, Jeffrey? No, I'm a little more of a stroker, I think you would call it. Not heard of that malady. What happens? How does that work? Show us. You know, you have websites that you really love. You really love certain websites. Hello, Pinterest. Guilty as charge of lds dot org. Oh boy. Yeah, and you know, I love bring a trailer a lot. But there's other websites I enjoy too. And you know, during this whole Covid thing, it. It can be so lonely. Oh, so like a. Like a meetup site. Like. Like a networking kind of like. Yeah, like who wants to learn how to do sourdough starter together? How do you spell meat? The normal way. Were you mentoring someone? You. You're. You're a good guy, Jeffrey. Yeah, I got a little fella that I like to impart wisdom to that I like to keep kind of close to me. So there's an element of that. So nice. I was. I'm so glad you held onto those values, Jeffrey. Yeah. I'm really sorry. I'm tight. Yeah, really grip them hard. Yeah, grab on. Don't let go. Don't let go. Yeah. I'm really sorry. I got to the airport so early. I was gonna say flight to Alaska, leaving soon. You never know with the weather over there. I just wanted to play. Jeffrey, we got plenty of time. It's just so great to see you. And I'm sorry, you were saying? I was saying that, you know, I'm not as strong as you guys are. I don't have the religious base. You guys, you know that some. You know how they say the devil makes work for idle hands? Oh, don't we know it. That's why we're in Mozambique. In this particular case, I think it would be the devil makes work for idle hand. Oh, well, I suppose that's a phrase I've not heard. I was. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Yeah? Did you give someone the finger? Oh, please. Oh, dear. I gave. Please don't say yes. I gave myself the five finger discount. Hmm. Is that something the kids are saying these days? Is that like, give me high fived yourself? I was stroking my podcast. Oh, how is your pug? Yeah, I was gonna say the little pushed face and the snorting. I don't let raffles in the room when I'm zooming. That would be inappropriate. You're stroking her behind the ears. Yeah, get him there. I know she loves that. I. I said stroking my. I said. I said. I said pod. Did you say pod? You're doing a podcast? I gotta tune in. We had a 15 hour flight from 5. You've heard about those. Those are fun. They' Sorry, I was. God, I don't know how you guys talk. I was beating my meat. Oh, so you were zooming from the kitchen? Yeah, I thought that you were. I have a tenderizer. You don't need to use your hand. You know, they sell them cheap on Amazon. Yeah, the mallet things, really? I don't know why you can do textured or flat. I don't know why I keep going down this road, but I was choking my chicken. He loves cooking. We don't. We don't judge. And if you're cleaning it, too, then it's God's will that the chicken dies and that you live in life and now he's providing for your family. I was doing the Five Knuckles Shuffle. Ooh. Oh, you know what? I've seen that the kids from Fortnite do that little. The floss. The Five Knuckles Shuffle. Let me see if I can just get clear Here for a second. You know, I do have a pug. That was coincidental, but you understand I don't have a. A monkey, right? Yeah. I think it's illegal. Know your family? To raise monkeys? Yeah, yeah. I was spanking the monkey. Oh, well, speaking of Mozambique, you got to get those monkeys away from the cabins. They will wreak havoc. They'll take anything that's not tied down. Carl spanked so many monkeys in Mozambique. That was the only way to keep them out of our cabin. I'm not really a believer in corporal punishment. But, you know, you had to teach him a lesson. Otherwise, Carl would run. Carl would run into a village square spanking monkey. You know, I don't have a gur. Right? Are there gherkins in Mozambique? They're hard to come by. All right, I was jerking the gherkin. You know, I can. I've heard. I heard from Deborah. You remember Deborah. There's a cookbook, a Jamaican food. All right, hold on. Anything? You know I'm vegan, right? I'd heard. After the chicken. I've been vegan for 13 years. I was bopping my bologna. Okay. Is that like the Beyond Burger? The Bopped Baloney. Oh, there's the Impossible Burger. The Beyond Burger. And there's the. Is it the Bopped. You're saying the Bopped Burger? The Bopped Baloney. All right, you too. Anyway, I was masturbating. Okay, forget it. I was masturbating. Are you. Fine. Are you satisfied with the chicken and the gherkin and the bologna? That's a lot of props. Those are euphemisms. We gotta go. We gotta get back to Utah. Hold on, hold on. Carl, come on. Carl, come on. Stop talking. I want the yogurt. End scene. Thank you. It was powerful. Gina with the chicken. All right, so when I was sitting around this morning at 8, I was thinking, what if you ran into a couple from Utah and they could have a conversation? Was it everything you hoped it would be? It was more than I hoped it would be. All right, that was Adam Carolla Show 2940. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 3658 featuring Adam Carolla. This is the 20233 ACE Awards, our final presentation of ACE Awards during this holiday. Coral Classics Marathon. This is the most recent Pentultimate ACE Awards. The 2024 has just aired. This is last year's. This is the first year without Gina and Brian. Without a dedicated news girl and without Brian there as well. Coral Renault for Gina and Brian. Adam Kroll Show 3658, the 17th annual ACE Awards. Check it out. Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Krolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun, make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Betonline. Betonline, the game starts here. From the historic Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2023 ACE Awards celebrating the very best of the Adam Corolla show this year. And now your host, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get in on. Thanks you guys for tuning in as we turn the corner toward 15 years of an imaginary job that never existed before. That was for me, just a unicorn fantasy job. Did not know there was such a thing as showing up at a warehouse and talking for two hours a day and making a living doing that. So thanks all of you. Chris, Max, Pat is in studio with me. Dawson's gonna be doing the announcing and the winning. We've cracked the ceremonial be. Normally we throw the Christmas party right after this, but we bumped it up a day. We had a great party last night, it was wonderful. And then we all came in a little hungover today, little bit. To present the ACE Awards to you guys who've been listening for so many years. And it's really nice. I travel the country, I meet everybody and the best story I like is the dad who brought his son on and his now son listens to the show and the mom and the daughter. The daughter got the mom into it, the generational thing. So thank you for spreading that. And if you're gonna give someone an example of this show and tell them to check it out, I think this would be the episode. Me too. So it's been a tough year. Divorce. All I can say is divorce is the worst thing that anything anybody's ever put in front of a human being. But maybe we're at the end now. Three years in, devastating but okay. Hard to do. It's hard to get divorced and do everything else. You really just need when you get divorced you just need to quit everything and just do it full time. Except for you have to pay the lawyer so much money you can't quit your job. But try to stay focused on the comedy and the show. Hopefully wrapping up the divorce, which would be awesome. And focus full time on the comedy and everything else. So thanks for staying with us all these years and we'll get the show started right now. Dawson. The nominees for best impression are. Godfrey as Steve Harvey. I've always said Steve Harvey as your Dr. Phil. Yeah, big dude, bad mustache, not exactly sure what he does, but you got him, you know, say Steve, my relationship. Beside, here's your damn problem, okay? You, you a woman. You a woman, okay? And your ass need to tell. You need to sit back and tell your man that you love him. Plain and simple. Thank you, Steve. What? That's Dr. Phil. That's the black Dr. Phil. Big dudes, big suits, big mustache, must. Bald head. Bald head, damn it. And dispenses information that your 5 year old could tell you, but. But does in a very stylized way that Dr. Phil. Dr. Steve. Jason Alexander as William Shatner. I was, when I was a kid, kid, I, I loved Star Trek and I, I wanted to be Kirk, I wanted to captain the Enterprise, fly around the galaxy. And so when I started acting, if it wasn't flat out comedy, I would just do Bill Shatner. I didn't know I was doing Bill Shatner, but I was doing Bill Shatner. So he was my guide. And I've also, forgive me if you've listened to my stories before you get repeats, but when I auditioned for Boston University, where I eventually went to college as an acting major, you had to do a comedy monologue and a dramatic monologue. So I did a Woody Allen stand up piece as Woody Allen, my best Woody Allen impression. And then I did a, the opening monologue for the play Equus. Well, I don't know crap about acting, so I'm doing, I'm doing Bill Shatner. I don't know I'm doing Bill Shatner, but I'm going with one particular horse called Nugget. He embraces the animal digs. And I'm going on and on and on. Oh, is that Woody Allen or Shatner? That was the Shatner. I didn't say it was good. And then the guy auditioning me stands up and I find out later he did Shakespeare in Canada with Shatner when they were both young men. And he stands up and he goes, I don't know if you can act, but that's the finest Bill Shatner impression I've ever seen. And I'm intrigued. And that. And so Bill got me into college, and that's where my training started. Kyle Dunnigan as Chris Hansen. That was Kyle answering that question. I'd like to answer that, since I'm Chris Hands. Yeah, Kyle, you take that one. All right. I'm thinking I might close my eyes and just. Have you guys randomly experienced. Just. Just. Let's not make a whole thing out of it. Just say the word. Penis. Sex. Penis. Let's see. All right. I'm gonna close my eyes. All right. Penis and sex. We'll see. All right, Kyle? Penis. Penis. Penis. Chris. Yeah, Penis. Oh, that penis is closer than sex. I got. Hey, close your eyes, man. All right, all right. Having sex with a penis. Brad Williams as Ted Koppel. Listen, this is legendary newsman Ted Koppo. I don't know if you know this. I haven't been on your TV recently. Why is that? Because now I'm hawking porno. And let me tell you, the best porno to hawk is the Personal Touch. Let me tell you why. It's strictly X. It's hot, it's wonderful. And, oh, breaking news. I just blew my balls off to the Personal Touch. Now, we understand, as I've reported on my blog, that Ron Jeremy is problematic. But if you want to see him when he wasn't, then you gotta watch the Personal Touch. You gotta whip five on that schlong, homie. It's gonna make you want to come right on your television screen and cover all the faces. It's all there for you on the Personal Touch. Just subscribe to Ted Koppel's only fans@onlyfans.com I'm Ted Koppel and Elon Gold as Casey Kasem, Jay Leno, Michael Caine, and Donald Trump. So Casey Kasem before Ryan Seacrest did The America's Top 40 countdown of the best pop songs of the week. And he would, you know, he would say. And he had. Casey had a high voice and a low one. He would say his first name up. Casey case up. Leto has that thing, you know, let us down here. And it's like this. And it's like this. And now here's Michael Caine either saying his name or his drug of choice. My cocaine. My cocaine. The current president is not this guy. And yet I'm gonna do him. I'm not gonna stop doing him. And we're gonna win very bigly. We're gonna do terrific. We're probably gonna win more bigly than Anybody. And it's gonna be a biggly wiggly. Wow. Man, everyone is so good. I always just think the last person should win because Recency bias. Yeah, everyone. Everyone is just so excellent. Dawson. The winner for best impression. The last one along. Yeah. I mean, so good. The Casey up and down thing. Yeah, perfect. And then the stuff you've been hearing your whole life but never thought of, it's true. He goes, Casey. Casey. Like the technicality. Yes. All right. Congratulations. Elon. Elon. Yes. Now, our first installment of Rant of the year. Our first nominee for Rant of the Year, Los Angeles Hurricane. School closure. They need a calamity. A calamity works to control you because once, once you declare something, an emergency, then guess who's in charge. The person who declared it an emergency. That's who's in charge. The governor says it's an emergency, then guess who's in charge and he can do whatever he wants. And when. When anyone declares we have an emergency, then the person and the powers that declared it are now in charge because we're under the umbrella of. Umbrella of an emergency. You're going to see more and more of this. These guys argue hard for everything. Climate. All climate change and all. Everything. Everything in L. A is we got outlaw gas stoves by 2025, we got outlaw gas trucks by 2033. We have to outlaw, you know, gas powered leaf blowers and mowers. And we got it. We got to do it all because we're having a climate emergency. Now, the way you get to a climate emergency is by shutting schools and doing other things you would do under the auspices of an emergency. You need that. They are going to need to take the climate and everything that happens, every forest fire, every. Every unseasonable rainstorm, whatever it is, they're gonna have to sound the alarm. And the way to do it is you need to bring receipts. And the receipts are, we had to close the schools. You didn't have to close the schools. It literally was just raining. So when it's like Gavin Newsom declares it's an emergency because it rained. That's what. That's what it is. Yeah. And it's just more flexing. Do whatever we want. But please spare me the speech about you caring about the kids and the poor black and brown kids and how this affects them disproportionately and, oh, test scores are down. Woe is me. What are we gonna. You don't give two fucks about those kids. And God damn it, haven't they missed enough we didn't make it through the first week of reopening schools with, ouch, you assholes. Shutting a school down needlessly. Utterly needlessly. And what I'm saying is, is up the street there's a Home Depot. Is it closed today? No. People got up, got in the car, went to fucking work, went to Home Depot. And then other people went in there and bought shit. What's so different about your school? What's going on at the school that's so different? Are you guys not able to buy lunch today because the Kukaroo is closed? Like, what? What's closed? Nothing's closed. Just the schools. Just what you guys did. Yeah. Fucking idiots. I gotta say something that's weird and disturbing and there's a surreal quality to the time we're in. There's a lot of smart people showed up at the party, and there's a wonderful couple. Daughter. Sorry, the. Oh, God, I can't think of their name right now. But anyway, he's very astute. And his sister Stanford, trained doctor. Whatever. That's what it means. Yeah. And we're sitting around in the parking lot and they're going, you interviewed Gavin Newsom. Is he evil or is there just something wrong with him? And I'm like, or is he stupid? And I'm like, he's not stupid. Like, typically stupid. I don't think he's evil, but there's something wrong. There's just something wrong. And they're like, yeah, I know, but what is it? And it's like, I don't know. Imagine running one of the biggest states in the union, and smart people break off into discussion groups going, is Chris evil or is he insane or does he want California to burn? And everyone goes, I don't know. I mean, I think he's a good dad, but I don't know, five people a day go, what's wrong with Gavin Newsom? And I go, there's something wrong with him, but I don't. I don't know that he's evil. Right, but he's not gonna help any. You know, Is the guy. Is the captain of the Exxon Valdez evil, or does he just not know how to steer a ship? Right. If he's evil, then you're also inflicted. Either way, we got a lot of marine life covered with oil. Either way, it's the same result. Maybe he's just a horrible captain and a sweet guy. Or maybe he's evil and tries to steer the Valdez into the shoals. But either way, we suffer we're covered with oil. Yeah. But nobody. I swear to God. I've talked to Tucker Carlson about that. Nobody can wrap their mind around Gavin Newsom. And it's weird because. And it's also very Los Angeles. Things like a very California thing, like, you may not like Ron DeSantis or whomever or Trump, but you do know who they are. They're just who they are. And there's many people on the left who are like, look, we have Maxine Waters. She's an insane dope, but she's Aunt Esther from San Francisco, but I know who she is. People trying to figure out Gavin Newsom. He hides in that confusion and in that blurred area where everyone's kind of no one could wrap their mind around. But that's scary to me. I would like just to go, Gavin Newsom. Yeah. Smart guy, pragmatic, shrewd. You know what I mean? That takes care of business, works big to small. Wouldn't that be awesome? Instead of, like, I don't know, maybe he's evil or he's clinically insane. Well, he's certainly a sociopath. We know he's a sociopath. We know he doesn't get anything done, and we know he harms everything, but other than that. But he's probably a decent husband. But could you imagine a world where you're just describing Gavin Newsom like one of your friends who was really steady, you know what I mean? Like, oh, Alex Arado. Yeah. Went to high school with that guy. And then he went to Cal, and he became an attorney. Good dude. Good dude. Good dude. That. Wouldn't it be. Wouldn't that be amazing? Effortless to talk about him, right? Like, you know, he takes care of business. He wants what's best for the people. Right? Everyone's like, I have the smartest people in the world saying to me, who is Gavin Newsom? And I go, I have no fucking idea. What is scarier are the people who just think he's awesome. Then I bring my dead mama. Last thing she did before she died was vote for Gavin Newsom. And I always scream, it's all your fault. Just like I did with COVID It's amazing. Is a victim of Getty money. Let's just say that. Let's call him a fucking victim. It's the people who think he's awesome are the ones to be afraid of. That's my mom, all right. So awesome. And it couldn't go. It couldn't go any other way. My mom loved Gavin Newsom. Yeah. It could not Go. There could be no other road for me. And as far, by the way, terms of riding that pony till it died, that's what my mom did. It's like, Adam, what do you like? I like the Lakers. Okay. I like the Clippers. That's my entire life with my mom, which is a bizarre way to go through life. But here's a real quick, interesting observation. I do not get starstruck. When I walked into the studio that day and I saw Gavin Newsom, I was starstruck. Wow. The guy is a. He's a. Well, that's what works on dumb people. I'm just sorry. Not you. No, the other dumb people. I know. Yes. No, I know. I get it. No, that's how kids think, right? Kids. If you showed kids a picture of George Clooney and a picture of a pilot with a triple chin and you went, who do you want to fly this plane? Kids. They'd go, I want George Clooney. I want that guy. And then you'd go, okay, now let me ask it again. That guy has no experience flying commercial airlines. This guy's got 28 years of flying commercial airlines. Kids would go, I'm still going with Clooney. Still going with Clooney. That's what kids do. And that's what California is. And then now, I didn't gush. I didn't gush. I'm just recognized that when I was in his presence, there was a, oh, shit, dude. This guy. Yeah, that's why my mom voted for him. But he probably felt the same way about you. I know he did. All right, best invention. As we move on here, the nominees for best invention are Airport Zipline. I just thought of this. If you got a go up, you got to go to downtown la. Yeah. The whole deal is there's so much traffic to LAX and I want to get in. That was a Kobe. Yeah, I was going to say with Kobe. That's what they wanted to do. But if you got to get up to the top of the 67 story building to go to the helipad, why don't we kick it old school and start a service called Zipline? I can see LAX from here. Let's do it. And it's a lot lower than where I'm at right now. And we'll just tie it off at the Cinnabon. Like, what do you do with your baggage and stuff? You strap it up. Yeah, strap it on. Grab it like we're over the rainforest or you're going on vacation in Peru somewhere and you'd have the line. Like, I'd go, where are you going? I gotta go to the Delta terminal. That's terminal six. And the line would just branch off. How fun. How long would that take you to get there? Take about. About 80 seconds to get from downtown. It'd be a fun ride. Just hear people screaming and you just. And you'd have the southwest zip line. And, you know, look, we'd make it safe. I wouldn't run you right into the front door or anything. Slow down. We'd have, like a mattress against the wall. Bam. And, you know, take your photo when you do. Oh, yes, you got your photo. You got a nice photo. Yeah, I love it. Okay. Atheist bnb. I had a group of buddies who. Who got. Who rented a house. They all went in on a house together to rent, and they got such a crazy deal. It was unheard of. I'm like, how'd you get this. This deal? And they're like, oh, family. Dad killed everybody in the bathtub. Really? Yeah. So they live there and they partied there over years. That's actually not a bad idea to look for some of those houses that had, like, wild stuff happening them. There should be like a atheist B and B. Like, if you're fucking atheist, you don't care there's a mass murder. But yeah, like, they raped and tortured Indians in the garden. Atheist B and B doesn't give a fuck, but we pass along the savings. Yeah. If you don't care about being saved juju or bad vibes or whatever. Atheist B and B. And by the way, we don't judge. Sacrifice a goat while you're here. That's your business. Transvestite. If, in fact, you have this gender dysphoric disorder, you must then talk to a certified doctor, get your paperwork in order, and get a vest. And once you put that vest on, then A, you could walk into the ladies locker room because it wouldn't just be like what happened at Wii Spa or happened here, which is. Dude going, yeah, Identifies go to the left and he'd go in. And then you would have a context because all the chicks just see the dude walking around with his hog hanging out. They wandered in, saw that orange vest with the service transgender sticker on it with the date. You know, like, if you want to go in the diamond lane here, and you'd see that now she would open the curtain and seen a dude, but she would have had immediate context. You'd be like, that guy's certified. He's. He's. He's pre operation, not post op. He's pre op, but he's certified. Give it a context and let him walk around with that. And not just in the locker room all day, every day. I'm talking work. I'm talking about public transportation. We need to know who you are. But then you could walk into the ladies room at work or you could use the ladies room on the subway. But this is your vest. You've been vetted. You've been certified. Put it on tranny. Hold on. Okay, are we adding to this? We're adding. Okay, this is like. This is like Ronco. But wait, there's more. The name Transvest Dice. We add the space in between the trans and the type. That's good. This would definitely solve the problem. And certainly early front runner for invention of the year. I mean, what beats this? A question with it. Now, obviously, obviously the woman sees the guy in the orange vest, she's immediately going to feel safe because he is not a threat. But there is a, there is a certain amount of demasculizing I think that needs to take place with this vest. Because the naked dude in the YMCA locker room is just going to put on this orange vest and be like, I'm just like the guys working on the. The highway. I'm still a man. You know, this is to catch those people who are really dudes. Just want to show their job needs to be a pink. We vetted. I'm sorry, Dawson, but it's been vetted. I have a solution. You have to go to a board certified physician and get the vest. Okay. So you don't need nibble clamps on the vest. Come on. Making a mockery of whatever. Good idea. It's a great idea. You see that? This idea would solve every problem. Maybe Golden Palace. I don't know if they're still around. The point is now here, here is my Ron Popeil. Okay, but wait, we're not done yet. Not done yet. The vest. If you ever see those like Hurt Locker type movies with the bomb squad guy, they have. They have the shrapnel vest they put on. It's got the collar. It's also got the nut guard that drops down in front of it. The vest could have a nut flap that just dropped. Just a flap that just dropped down. You know what I mean? Have a picture of the vagina on it. Oh, now see it? Yes. Now you're back. So now problem solved. We've covered the junk with the flap. We have the registered vest. Okay. And that, that's it now, once we register you the vest, you now have 13 calendar months to get the operation small scale silver dollars. There has to be a market for like 1/3 scale silver dollars. Like a 1/3 scale playing card. You know when you're holding it up to your hog for scale and your hog is dwarfing that Kennedy half dollar, you know that's sitting on top of it? Yeah. You got a midget to put his hand around your ball. Yeah, that's right. Midget ball cup. That's Fitz dog's idea. That's his legacy. Yeah. Just a few items to scale. Yeah. For scale. But that are scaled down like 33%. Yeah, yeah. That's a money maker right there. Yeah. And service dwarves. You can bring a medium sized dog on a plane these days. Yes, you can. What if the dwarf was a service dwarf? You just put a vest on him and a handle and you just walk. You just walk onto any flight just toting this guy service do dwarves. He could assist in people escaping from this plane. Absolutely. I mean, unless it's like, hey, can you grab the bag from the overhead storage? We can't do that. And we can do other things. Emotionally, you go, look, I need my dog. Emotionally, I don't. This is my life partner. Yes. We just blew each other. You don't think I need this with me? We could have that. That. I. I've never watched a gay porn, but if you told me that two gay dwarves were banging in the bathroom of a 747, I'd watch that. Yeah, I'd watch that tape. One one hops up on the toilet, becomes a spectacle. We just did a 34 and a half. Thank you. Take a moment for that. That's the dwarf 69. Yeah. Some people were like 34 and a half. And then. Thank you. I love a math Jim. I think you could do this carry on dwarf thing. I'm going to. The next time, the next time my wife flies or I have to go somewhere and my wife is flying with me, I'm going to get an orange vest. Yes. I'm going to be her service dwarf. I am trained. I'm certified. I will not go to the bathroom on the, on the flight. You won't take a shit in the aisle? No. Right. Not going to happen. Not gonna happen. I'm. I'm not gonna bark at a black guy. All right. And make it real awkward. Right. You're not gonna fight with all the other dwarfs. No. He's just claiming his territory. Yeah. And then if I. And then if I Do make noise. Some guy's like, he smells my dwarf. Look at him. Wow, an embarrassment of riches. All right, Dawson, how say you? Well, it seems pretty obvious, but the winner of the 2023 ACE Award for Best Invention is atheist BnB, something the world really needs right now. I mean, of all of those. Can't believe Mark Cuban's leaving Shark Tank now. Yeah, I know. It could have got in on the ground floor of Atheist bnb. All right, we push on to our first installment of Interview of the Year. Our first nominee for Interview of the Year, Roseanne Barr. People don't realize how big the network sitcom was back in the day. I don't think they understand. Yeah, we had, like, between 32 and 42 million viewers a week. Right. And so, you know, an episode on Girl of Girls with Lena Dunham gets 250,000 views, and people are talking about it. And this is 35 million people. And the compensation was insane. Everything was insane. It was really insane because I was making a million a week back then, which would probably be like 3 million a week now. Well, if you just do the LA gas prices, it'd probably be like 15 million. Well, yeah, you're right. I don't even know what it would equate to now. A million? You were the second highest paid woman on tv. I think I read under Oprah only. Yeah, but Oprah wasn't really a network person. She was syndicated always. But I was at one time the highest paid personnel that ever been on television. Was it too much to process in the speed that it came to you? Yeah, it was way too much to process, and I didn't process it. I. I worked so hard. You know, between the work I did on the show and then going home to try to live a life with the children I had and that kind of deal, I never had time to process anything. I just ran from one thing to another. You know, I didn't have a really good overview or a real good plan. I just went from one mess to another. And I put most of everything I had into the script and the show. And I'm glad I had that focus because I might have really spun out of control far more than I did. All right. Very strong interview. She was great. The thing that's weird about me and life is we had our Christmas party last night and comedian. You remember her comedic actress, Jack A. I remember her legend talking to her out in the parking lot. She's like, oh, did you hear Roseanne talking to Bill Maher? Somebody's gotta shut that Bitch up. And I'm like, oh, she's talking about this and she's talking about that. And I'm like, yeah, okay, maybe that's a little far fetched. But everyone wants everyone to shut up. But then you interview the people and, like, the person's interesting. First, let me go on record. I love Jack Gay. I watched her shows back in the 90s. I love her as that legend. That was her icebreaker with me, Roseanne. Yeah. On mar. And obviously it works. Look, now we're talking about it. But it's also, you know, the reason it's not a two way street is I would hear AOC speak and I would go, oh, that bitch is dumb. But I wouldn't go, someone's gotta shut her up. I'd just go, she's dumb. Kamala Harris. You know, you just go, oh, this person's dumb. But no one wants to shut them down. Right, right, right. I have a feeling Jack A. Loves Gavin Newsom. Uh. Oh, well, she's gonna be. She'll be on the show in the year, so we'll. We'll ask her that. All right, now, part two, installment two of rant of the Year. Our second nominee for rant of the Year, novelty donuts. There was a donut atrocity. War, crime, abortion going on in the next room. And I've yelled this a million times. Oh, no. Did you see those donuts in the next room? Yeah. Mike lynch, who's here, made sure to grab me before I came into the studio and show me that one donut is a Captain Crunch donut. It's got Captain Crunch on top. The other one is a Fruity Pebbles donut. Now, what happens inevitably with donuts? All right, let's first figure out the crowd. The crowd are not 9 year olds with autism. Her average age of the dude in that next room is 47 and four months. That's. I did it. I got everyone's name. I crunched the numbers. 47, four months, three days. That's all they all get. Every elan reference he's ever shat out into a microphone. That is the age of that man. All college educated. Yeah, all educated, all white, all in their 40s. But the person who gets the baker's dozen of donuts just goes, just give me, like, two of everything. So you get the good stuff, you get the buttermilk, you get the old fashioned, you get the cake one. But you get two, two and two. And then. Then you get two Rip Taylor jacked off onto this donut. And that is the frosting. You get the pink jimmies and the purple icing. Stop it, everybody. Nobody wants these fucking donuts. What are you doing? And is it all just visual for you? Like, I can get the most shiny shit on top of a donut. Like, why don't you hot glue some pennies or some nickels or some. Something on top of it that shiny. A bass would go for that. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm still. I'll never be able to wrap my mind around adults with like, novelty food. Like, I don't understand adults that eat like Twizzlers and non. Dessert. Yeah. Just. There's shit with. There's nuts, there's chocolate, there's nougat. Like, there's so much. It's more chemical than food at a point. Yes, there's a. Get. Okay, here's the. Here's the Mount Rushmore apple pie a la mode that just at the top. Just. Just fucking order that. But. And people. Okay, can I just say about dessert, the visual aspect of it should not factor in at all. It should be 86% of the decision making. Well, look at this one. It's got confetti on top of it. Just get the best. Right? Adults do this. It's. It's crazy to me. I just want to say that the classics never die. No. And this house was built on bad donut choices. And nobody bring donuts next year, please. Yeah. We never learned. Well, now can I tell. Can. Can I tell you? It's. It's my trail mix theory, and it's the veggie sub theory, and it's the veggie lovers pizza theory, which is the bad donut theory, which is eventually it all gets consumed. So once the sausage and onion pizza has expired and once the pepperoni pizza's expired, and then once the plain cheese is expired, somebody gets around. Cause we're all kind of sewer rats. We're all kind of seagulls at heart. At some point, you'll circle back to the table and you'll get to the veggie lovers and you'll start picking off like the artichoke or something. And you'll microwave it. This is two hours after everything else is done. But it will get consumed just like the veggie sub will get picked apart. Someone will take some shit off it and put some cheese on it. It will get consumed just like the trail mix eventually gets consumed. Now everyone's gonna eat the smoked almonds first and the macadamia nuts and the honey roasted peanuts first. Eventually they will pick through the trail mix, they'll get the M and Ms. Out first. The M and Ms. Are women and children with the trail mix, you know, off first. The band's still playing on the deck of the Titanic, but they'll pick through it and there'll be little sunflower seats at the bottom. And then whoever bought it, whether it's the trail mix, whether it's the veggie lovers pizza, whether it's the veggie sub buyer, whether it's the retarded gay donut buyer, their message is after somebody gets to the last donut and starts flicking off the crunch Berries and obviously pulling it apart, too, they'll just leave half of it there. They'll eat half, same personal circle back finish, second half. The person who buys it goes, well, they ate all the donuts. Yeah, they must have liked it. They only did the last photo of no, like, snapshot. Oh, the Donner Party must have really liked eating horse meat. No, they were, they were trapped on a mountain. They, the Donner Party ate all the food they brought first. Eventually, they got to human flesh. Yeah, let's not get to that point is all we're saying. That's what I'm saying about you and your donuts. Like, eventually we get to them. Coming up on the ACE Awards, a new example of crystal brain and your taco rankings. Oh, I'm kidding. All right, well, take a break. I'll come back with more of the ACE Awards right after this. Oh, oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have. Well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed, or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well. Get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts, one stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam let's take a look back at some of the best musical moments on the podcast in 2023. Oh, yeah, and it has the big end, which they would do in all these songs. Here it is. All right, I'm going high. There's got to be morning. And if you would like to announce that out loud or announce the Beastie Boys suck like me, you're gonna fight a battle now. Lou Rawls is a bad boy. Someone who cares about you. Oh, yeah, now. Great line here. Now. I ain't bragging on myself now, baby. But there ain't no if. Anthony. You're gonna miss my loving. You're gonna miss my loving. You're gonna miss my love. When it's cold outside? You're gonna miss my loving. My love. Oh, my God. Yeah. Gonna go see Ms. Liza. And you said gonna go to Mississippi. That's what we would say. Gonna go see Ms. Liza. Gonna go to Mississippi. Big boss man's up there just pumping a shotgun, of course to the beat, I hope. Gonna, gonna go see Ms. Liza. Gonna go to Mississippi, baby. Oh, you put the sauce in it. Get your cold ass feet off of me. Cause I'm trying to go to sleep. If you want to sleep together, stay on your side of the bed. Cause you're breathing. You're breathing on the back of my neck. It's super hot and gross. It still kind of smells like dinner. Did you brush your teeth? I'm trying to fucking go to sleep. They have all these birds in this, but they don't have the one bird. It needs a crow. Sing a lot. There's a high one coming. Hi, crow. Now back to the 2023 ACE Awards. That's a mini ripper tin. Yep. Died at like, I don't know, 30. That's Maya, Rudolph's mom. She says Maya in the song. Oh, that's right. Like at the end. It's crazy. Oh, man. So I like it better with the birds, though, with the crows. All right, let's see, we go to our third offering of Rant of the Year. Our third nominee for Rant of the Year, Dr. Fauci. Fauci won, wants everyone to get vaccinated. Right. And then the whole story comes out is the people that aren't being vaccinated are the Trump supporters and the Republicans and, you know, Ted Nugent. Right. So they're the ones who aren't being vaccinated. And that's the group they needed to get the message to. So Fauci and he, he's. He, he was just being sanctified. But Fauci's like all these people, and Biden is all those guys, these Trump voters, these Trump supporters. Why are you on Rachel Maddow show for the 66th night in a row, you fucking coward. Why are you preaching to the converted? All your people are the good people and they all got vaccinated. So why the would you go on MSNBC and tell everyone to get vaccinated who's already been triple vax Facts go the on Hannity. Go to Fox. Go on Tucker Carlson show and get all their unwashed deplorables and go on there and make your case to Tucker Carlson's audience. By the way, tucker Carlson has 10 times the audience that host du jour on CNN has. But Fauci, who's a man of science, is too big a chicken to go on a show because somebody might disagree with him, somebody may push back at him, and someone may do something other than what Rachel Maddow would do, which is suck his miniature Italian balls. And that's how you know he's a lying sack of shit. Yeah, everyone should have been hip like, okay, this guy's not politicized. He's a man of science. He's just talking science and data. So then go everywhere and talk science and data. Right? And start science and data, man. With the platforms with the most audience. So start with Tucker Carlson, start with Joe Rogan, start with Hannity, and then work your way down to Joy Reid. You make sense. Yeah, because you're just selling a product, but your product is science. So just go to the big audience, and also the big audience is skeptical, so that's really the audience you need to get to. I think he had a really big fall from grace. I mean, I don't. I don't hear anything about him anymore. Nobody. Right? Like, I mean, there's no suffering, though. No, but it's coming. It's coming. The lab funding, the lab leak, the whole NIH stuff. It's dude funded, killing beagles. It's coming. Puppies. It's coming. It's the only thing I liked about the man. No, it's coming, it's coming. It'll take a minute, right, and you know, we'll have to curiously what his legacy becomes not good in the next decade. I'm none of the. The Lake the liar's legacy always suffers. You know, it's going to be awesome when the greatest Adam Carolla show of the year is not allowed on YouTube. Yes. All right, here we go. Outstanding achievement on shitting on a Point or Story. Love this one. The nominees for outstanding achievement in shitting on a Point or story are. Mike Dawson. No one's ever used the last rolling paper. You just lose the rolling paper. Never had a rolling paper. Went, oh, ow, that's my last one. Time to buy more. But you have said, I just bought a brand new set of rolling papers. Where the is it that someone else will find later on in the life of the car or wherever under the sofa or whatever. Then they will use three of them. But not spent. It won't get to the bottom. Then they'll get lost or mystery put somewhere. Now you've used the last toilet paper. You know, that's three times a week. Last rolling paper. And it's almost the same with duct tape. You never get to the very cardboard bottom. It's just there's. I don't think I've ever seen you just go, there's a roll of duct tape. Where the. I mean, Dawson, you've rolled a lot of doobies. I got a. On your point here, boss. Well, you, you're like him, you're Rastafarian. Yesterday I used my very last orange zigzag. Wow. At home. Yep. Rolled your last dupe and you last paper yesterday. But have you ever gone through an entire roll? Abducted? Yes. Where you're using it because you're out of rolling paper. And I rolled a duct tape joint. Oh, Mas Gibrani. Would you rather be a panda bear born in the United States or a female? A young girl born in Iraq. Oh, God. Well, first of all, as you know, the women in Iran, the most recent protest was because Mahsa Amini, 22 year old young woman was walking down the street, her hair was out of her hijab. The morality police stopped her, arrested her, proceeded to kill her. You're making my argument. Well, clearly. Yeah, clearly it's very hard to be a female in Iran. I will 100% agree with you on that. So you would take panda bear in the United States over for for your unborn daughter. No, you don't understand. I'll take panda bear anywhere. That's what I'm saying. No, it's not anywhere, because, you know, there's plenty of Nordic countries where you'd rather your daughter just be a daughter. No, no. What country does a panda bear not get treated? Well, is there a country where the. They're. They're oppressing panda bears? If you were to ask most women. Yes. Would you rather be born who you are? A woman in Sweden. Yeah. Or a woman in Iran or a panda bear in the United States, they would have to flip a coin or think about it or discuss it. No, I'm going to. I'm going to stop you right there. So, first of all, a woman in Iran, woman in Sweden. Where would you rather be born? Clearly, like Sweden, you're going to have a lot more freedoms. Yes, but panda bear anywhere beats all of it. You get fed. Yeah, but you're bear. You're a bear. You never get to write poetry. Who cares? You get fed, they give you girl bears to have sex. Yes. This experiment will not work if you simply say panda bear everywhere. I would not want my daughter to be a panda bear. I would rather her be my daughter. But if I thought she was going to get acid thrown in her face for reading, then I might tell her to opt to the panda bear. That was Pakistan. Oh, Pakistan. Yeah. All right, I'll put Pakistan on it. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I don't care. No. Iran. Listen, clearly, obviously my daughter has a lot more freedoms in America, 100%. I was just trying to make the argument that panda bears have a pretty good life. That's all they do. I agree with you. I started that argument. And by the way, there's a few years in the teenage years where I wouldn't mind if my daughter were a panda bear. Yeah. Just be a panda bear for a few years. I like to be able to switch her over. Yeah, just a couple years. All right, so for the record, your daughter. Yes. Panda bear in the United States. United States over, female in Iran. Yes. I'll take that. Okay. Yes, there's stress everywhere. But what I'm saying is there's not acid everywhere or being killed for not wearing the burqa. And Mike Dawson, when you're here, I don't know, three months ago, made this joke about 69ing and. And I asked if you pulled a 34 and a half. Pretty good. And I thought, that's funny. And then I thought I'd try that on stage. I Did it on stage. Gets a huge laugh. People do math faster than a thought. Okay. And it gets a big laugh. But it's predicated on knowing that Brad Williams is a little comedian. Oh, you don't say, like, Brad Williams, my dwarf comedian friend. I do, but I. I start the joke by going, do you guys know who Brad Williams is? And by the way, Brad Williams could be the name of an F1 driver. And it's a common name. It could be the name of an actor. Sure. It could be the name of anybody. Yeah. I go, you guys know Brad Williams? And everyone goes, yeah. They start. Start clapping. Yeah, right. All right. Love it. I still set it up by saying little guy comedian, but. But there's strong recognition throughout the country. When I got to open up for Brad at the Irvine Improv a while back, I told my friend, hey, I'm opening for Brad Williams. And he said, that's awesome. That's the big guy from Raymond, right? Yeah, exactly. All right, now we have a winner. Dawson, you're. According to Vegas betting odds, you have a 66% chance. I am going home with the coveted award. The upset might be in, though, because the winner for outstanding achievement and shitting on a point or story goes to. Mike Dawson. For rolling papers. For rolling papers. And I want to take this second to talk about Equity. Oh. Oh, you think you're giving acceptance speech? Look, buy a house. All right, Can I say this? Equity. Was that Maz Jabroni? Yeah. Yes. I have a. I don't have that many. I have a couple sort of Niagara Falls moments. It's an old reference, but I realize there's certain things that hit me on some weird level that's much stronger than normal people. People who don't go along with hypotheticals, immediately I come undone. Like, my head starts spinning. There's something about people who won't go along with a hypothetical. It just. I. But nobody likes it. But I'm hit on a visceral, like, insane level. It drives me. I'm triggered by people who do not go along. Imagine knowing all of that and being a fly on the wall while it's happening live and going, dude, just agree. Just. Just get along. No, no. You can either agree, but you can also disagree. But the people who won't go along with the hypothetical. I don't know why, but it just drives me insane. All right, let's see. Interview of the Year, part two, coming your way. Our second nominee for Interview of the Year, Stuart Copeland. In 1976, when. When the Sex Pistols used the F bomb on national TV and kind of woke everybody up. That kind of popped the bubble of the previous hippie scene. And all these new clubs started springing up around England, and particularly London, with this wild new idea that you didn't need to know fancy chords. You just had to slam out E, A and D really loud and really fast and shout hostile gibberish and wow, what, how, you know, how fun is that? These clubs were just. It was just a happening scene. And so I figured, that looks easy. I want to get me one of them bands. And I figured it had to be a three piece band because there's more room in the car. A lot of good reasons for having just three guys in the band instead of four or five or six. No room in the car. Gotta get two cars. And I saw a bass player up in Newcastle. I was night off. I was with Curved Air, my Prague rock band. We were progging out up there and night off. Local journalist takes us to see the hot band in Newcastle called Last Exit. And I was looking for, you know, for three piece, either the guitarist or the bass player has to also sing. Somebody's got to be on the mic. Ain't gonna be me because I'm breathing too hard, banging stuff. So this band were pretty good kind of jazz, progressive kind of thing. And the bass player, he could play and sing and had his own amp, clearly. Cool. Get his number. But there was one more detail that did not escape my attention, which is this golden shaft of celestial light descending upon his magnificent brow. And this man was just radiating meal ticket for me. And I think, gotta get that guy, because he just had a shining light about him. And I sure he had his own amp and everything. Might have even had a truck to carry it in. But man, that charisma thing stuck. And a few weeks later, down in London, I got his number, called him up, said, hey, you want to come down to the Big Smoke? And I gave him a whole load of bolarney. And which he believed and he did. He came down to London with his wife, baby. We kept quiet about that part. Punk rockers are not supposed to have babies. And Ancient Dog Turdy. And he came down, called me up, we had a jam and the rest is history. Wow. That's how the Police were formed. All right. Yeah. Forgot how good Stewart was. Like, it's weird that the best talker is the drummer. Yeah, you never. You never really hear that. Well, they're the best at math and they're sometimes the smartest people in the band. I know bass Players are smarter. No, no. I've interviewed a lot of bands that. The drummers are not usually that eloquent. Well, they can only count to four. All right, here we go. Rant of the Year, part four. Ironically, our fourth nominee for Rant of the Year, Randy Weingarten. School closures and celebrity Covid Silence. There's a. There's a new study. Math and reading scores among America's 13 year olds have fallen to their lowest levels. No way. I don't believe that. Can't be. This is not the Onion. With math scores plunging by the largest margin ever recorded. Right? Yeah. According to the results of a federal test known as the Nation's report. Yes. Okay, thank you. School teachers unit unions who closed the schools down for two years. And all the kids up, all the brown and black kids you claim to care about, you just mortgage your future as adults because you're greedy. Randy Weingarten, Our Nation up as a proponent for closing schools, as a leader of unions. If you guys don't think these unions are bad, think about how much control they have. Fucking telling Rochelle Walensky at the CDC to go rework her story about opening schools. That's how much power they yield. And she just got appointed to like the National Homeland Security Council or whatever like this. It is insane. You fucking coward, hypocrite, Horrible, horrible teachers unions. I told you in real time this was a horrible idea. I disagreed with you. You called me like an elitist and a racist and fucking do. Could one of you spineless pussies come onto the show and let's have a debate about it or are you just going to cower? They close the schools. I said, that's a horrible idea. It never had anything to do with kids. Covid didn't affect kids. It was always about the elderly. They hid that from you. They did not share that information with you. When the dust settles on Covid, and it is, all the information that's coming in is it did not affect kids in a negative way. The percentages were like people under 19 or point were 0.0003 zeros and a six a point three. It did not kill young people. It never did. They knew it. They knew it early and they didn't say shit about it. And so. Right, all right. MSNBC, CNN, LA Times, NY Times. You all have fucking blood on your hands because you could have found out the answer. I knew it and I was told to shut up over and over again. I knew it eight days in when we didn't get numbers reported. When I wasn't getting the ages of people who are dying, I was immediately suspicious. I put a tweet out, said it kills old people and sick people. And the rescue pussies got played. Everyone attacked me. I told them to suck my dick. And I'm still telling to suck my dick. Go find the tweet and tell me I'm fucking wrong, you liars. But here's the real question. It's not the LA Unified School District. It's not Gavin Newsom. It's not Mayor Garcetti. It's not Roberta Weintraub or Randy Weingarten or any of the fucking yet. It's not Rochelle Walensky. It's not Fauci. It's not anyone who's in on it. It's not everyone who's in on it. It's not them. It's not the cdc. It's not the Wuhan Health Department. It's. It's not any of it. What the fuck happened to people? LeBron James, where were you, you fucking coward? Where were the celebrities? Where were the late night show hosts? Where were the tastemakers? Where were the fucking rappers? Where were you people? Where were the comedians, you fucking cowards? I said it. I said it over and over again. I got fucking attacked over and over again. I got nothing. Where were all you cowards? Where were they? Where were the guys who run Netflix? Where were all the big names? Where the was the Rock? Where was Kevin Hart? Where were you people? If you guys had chimed in, they would have turned. They would have reversed course immediately. If LeBron James and Barack Obama and Michelle Obama and Oprah and all the tastemakers, if you cowards had chimed in early when you knew what was going on, then they would have turned. But you wouldn't do it because you wanted your fucking money, you pussies. Wow. I don't know how you encapsulated. That's exactly what we. I don't like to blow smoke at my own ass, but that's encapsulated exactly what we just lived through. And by the way, LeBron James and the Obamas, they get to just move on. They just fucking move on. Yeah, but you really start again, sort of circling back. It's like Gavin Newsom thing. Like, is LeBron James dumb? Is he just lying? Is the Rock whatever. Is it all money? Is it just all money? Hey, Wolf Blitzer, you're just gonna go on CNN and start lying now? Don't you have enough socked away? I ask this every 10 minutes. Or Anderson Cooper, whoever. Lamont rents Obama's, like, at some point, don't you just go, fuck it? I have integrity. There's my word. I'm not doing this. I'm not saying this. I'm not Sanjay Gupta. You're a physician. You're gonna go back on CNN and talk about horse base? Where's your dignity? What are you worth? What's your word worth? What's your dignity worth? What's any of it worth? Is it worth something? Or is it just all bottom line? Just all money, all bottom line, all the time for everyone, Oprah or whomever. Like, that's it. You don't have enough F you money, F me money, like, socked away at this point to do something? Or is it all just about the next cocktail party? Because that's probably what it's about. Yeah. With LeBron and LeBron. I don't think it's conniving or it's. I don't even think he's really. If you're doing stupid or liar. I don't think he's just a dope lying contained. He's a tease inside of Tupperware. I think he believes a lot of what he just thinks. We live in Gavin Newsom. He just live in a systemically racist nation where Covid is ravaging, like, black people and stuff. And. Okay, but. But he understands he has a huge platform, so he uses it. But. All right. But. But nobody wanders outside of the plantation. None of those people. None of the tastemakers. There's not one. What I would call tastemaker. Gonna see Mr. Who just wander out and go, I don't think we should be closing schools. I don't think kids should get vaccinated. This is really just one of them. One of them doesn't have an opinion. It's weird. Well, it's not weird. They're lying. Sad. It's sad. It's disappointing. Yeah. That's what it is, I think. Is what it is. I thought adults would. Yeah, I thought there'd be. I thought Wolf Blitzer would have integrity. That's all I'm saying. He doesn't have a neck. Okay. How could he have integrity? All right, well, we'll do a bump out with the extended dance version of the show as we head into the second half. At a ceremony held earlier this year, ACE Awards were given out in the following broadcasting categories. Best commercial jingle. The salad shooter was exactly as described. Gun. And you just put, like, a head of lettuce in the top of it. And it would shot yourself a salad. I think they had a great jingle too. We'll find it. How about some cheese for your pizza or. Perfect. Salad shooter. Hash brown for breakfast. Vegetable, sliced or shredded. And nothing tops a salad like salad shooter. Presto. Salad shooter. Electric slicer shredder. It's called the salad shooter. The first three things they showed is like pizza People knew they weren't going to attract any ants with salt. You know, you can't just talk about veggies. You got to talk about shooting hash browns. Yeah, you want like, oh, you want to slice of sausage and throw it on your own pizza. Salad shooter. Would you like to eat lard out of a bucket? Yes. Do you like churros that are chained? Churros like sausages connected so that you can eat more than 15 at a time. Salad shooter. Yeah, that's what ginger butter by the stick, two fisted, butter sticking. Do you want, do you want to put butter chips on your pancakes? Do you classify ketchup as a vegetable? Yeah, they know they got a bunch of fat asses sitting at home who aren't interested in kale. Who, wait, who's the guy that does the porn tape that you love? Bobby Hollander. Bobby Hollander. Hey, I'm Bobby. Oh, it's spokesman for. Do you want to. Do you want to put cum in different sections over your partner's face? We got the salad shooter, but it's for cum. That's right. Slap five on your salad shooter. Yeah, it's gonna blow your balls off and then your balls are gonna be on your partner's face. It chops the gum evenly so you can spread it evenly all over your partner's face or their tits or their ass. Whatever you want. Salad shooter. Best intro. Adam's guest today, comedian Greg Fitzsimmons with Maitland Ward filling in for Chris on the news. And now before the show, he jerked off off to a video of our guest and then he watched something with Maitland in it. Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. God, took me a second. Got to get on. No choices. Get a mandate. Get it on. Best outro. Mahala, you can leave us a voicemail at 8866. I don't even know the damn number for that. 866-714-something or other. You know, it's not written down here. I just do it by memory every time. That's weird. Get your tickets to see the Ace man. Get them now@adamcarolla.com Best pre production I was talking to Chris about you filming at a Strip club? Yeah, for Ari. Ari Shafir's show. This is not happening. Yeah, this is not happening. At the Cheetahs. Yeah, yeah. You know you have a story about Cheetahs, right? Cheetahs, yeah. I heard that Felipe robbed somebody there or you were robbed or something at Cheetahs. No, no, no, not Cheetahs, no. All right. This is great producing. I. All right. No, my friend was a regular at Cheetahs and a regular patron. Regular patron, yeah. And he. He ended up going there all the time and he got tattoos of the stripper lips on his. On his neck. But he didn't rob anybody. I didn't rob nobody there. And were you ever robbed anywhere? Nah, I was robbed, but, you know, I was robbed for my drugs in the streets, but that's normal, you know, but not like robbed because somebody wanted to rob me. Right. I wonder where this story came from. That's a weird. All right, well, I was given. I was given bad intel. Least appropriate laugh. Doug Henning was maybe even a churchgoer. Yes, he was Copperfield. Before Copperfield was coming, he was the biggest guy in the world. Oh, boy. Don't. Don't quite know the answer to whether or not he is gay, but he died of aids. He made that disappear. Died of aids. Oh, man. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Now we're seeing conflicting. It is. There's a lot of information on the Internet now. We see it might be liver cancer. But I like the first one better. Wow. Best one liner. I was thinking a moment ago, like, why are some guys into Asian women? And I think it's, it's. There's a couple components to it. A, you're basically hairless and that's a plus. Dolphin. Dolphin. Dolphin. Dolphin, yeah. Okay, so the bl. I know where the blowhole is, so. And best soft talk DJs Burt Bachrach. Yeah. Oh, I'm never gonna fall in love again. He just died. Natural causes, age of 94. Yeah, so. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Nice. So. Wrote hundreds of pop songs from the late 50s through the 80s. Many in collaboration with Hal David, wrote the lyrics. Do you notice how Chris just went in his light rock Last talk voice? Six time Grammy Award winner, three time Academy Award winner. 64, Arlita. 64, Pasadena. 64, Venice. Speaking of Venice, surf report. Beautiful sets of three, three and four overhead, coming in at 15 second intervals. Cool breeze, it's a riptide out there, so let's be careful. Surfers also this weekend coming to Ramona super bowl, drag racing, ribbon roaring Action. Surely he gives sludge wedgie shot. Ya well Downey, it's gonna be burning up the quarter mile. Take nitro, throw it on the ground, drop a match on it or nothing. We're Putting inside a 427 cubic inch hemi. Liquid dynamite. Fox is free. Fox woken and free. Run. Run. We'll be playing on the infield. Human stick of dynamite's gonna be out there blown up. Also qualifications during the day eliminations of the lights. You got Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Big daddy Don Garlett is going to be there as well. The Hawaiian Billy McEwen, TV Tommy Ivo. They're all going to be there. And remember OCIR, that's where the 101, the 405 and 710 explode. All right, New Year's resolution. Vow to eat healthier. But what about your beloved pets and their nutrition? Yeah, you're doing better. But they're getting a bunch of dried up old kibble. Dr. Dennis Black created rough greens and meow greens to bring their dead food back to life with live vitamins and minerals, probiotics, enzymes, omega oils, antioxidants and more. See, pet food is dead food. And eat dead food, soon enough you're going to join it. You need to bring it to life all by the way in a tasty formula your dog or cat will love. It'll improve their coat digestion, energy and mean less vet bills. I've been doing this with Phil holding the sack right now. Vita Smart. You don't have to buy food and keep it in the refrigerator. You just sprinkle this on top of the food you're currently serving your dog or your cat. Get a Jumpstart trial bag. It's normally 20 bucks. It's free. With the promo Code Adam, you just cover shipping. It's a free Jumpstart trial bag. That's it. You just go to ruffgreens.com, use the code Adam, try it out for free. Your dog's going to love it. And you'll notice the difference quickly in your dog's vigor and health. Rough greens so good your pet will ask for it by name. Alcoa presents the last word in 2023 for definite. Definitely not a Jew. Louie's Waffle House. A lemonade. Big go. A leaf blower, A hotel couch. Too much mayonnaise is a 10 pound log of ground beef. Good Samaritan Hospital. A golf club, a bag of frozen chicken, a whole frozen chicken, A fire extinguisher, duck sauce, duck hun, CPAP machine, a sex toy. Chevy Impala. His testicles. The Jefferson china. An excavator. Windex. A speedway convenience store. Skittles. Severed finger, $1.3 million worth worth of seafood. A metal pizza paddle. Pet parrot, pet raccoon. Two Slim Jim beef sticks. A five pound bag of pierogies. Nude jumping jack. A Chicago Fire department ambulance. A $10,000 replica of R2D2. Thank you, Alcoa, for another great year of sponsorship. We look forward to your support next year for more. Definitely not a Jew. Yeah. Oh, that was always Brian's favorite part of the ACE Awards. Love that. Hearing them all back to back is so fun. I remember that. There's a jingle. Alcoa has a jingle. Does anyone even know what Alcoa is? I only do because of this show. Yeah. Yeah. They basically make aluminum products, right? We can't wait. We can't wait for tomorrow. Alcoa can't wait. There used to be jingles. It was a better time. Why do we need a jingle for aluminum products, people? Oh, yeah, it was a better time. We had jingles, dudes ate stew and no dudes wore bracelets. I love how jingles are terrible. We want the jingles. We had a jingle and we ate stew and it was a better time. We can't wait. We're doing it now. We can't wait. We'll show you. Did someone write a jingle about stew? Just knock it all out. We can't afford to hesitate. Come on along. Put yourself Great. It's got like the Wrecking Crew in the background. This is a good song put together. Aluminum. We can't wait. We're doing it now. We can't wait. We'll show you how. Alcoa can't wait. We've got to conserve energy and natural resources today. We can't wait for tomorrow. This is. By the way, he's talking about conserving and natural resources and stuff. This shit's 1974. Do you hear me? Do you understand? This stuff, this stuff that you think is 10 minutes old is 50 years old. Well, good thing we listened to that. All the fucking lying and all the conservation and all the planets going away and stuff. This shit's been around for 50 fucking years. Okay, we're still listening. What's really important is that Alcoa has been a proud sponsor of. Definitely not a Jew I know. Since. Since 2006. Yeah. You know, they started with the terrestrial radio show and Kayla Sex. You're right. Yeah. I think we're keeping them in business with that bit. Yeah. Stocks up all right. We had many the board members at the Christmas party last night, which was awesome. And speaking of, you know, I ran into Sid Croft. You know, he just lost his. I know. The controversial brother, Marty. He was explaining to me that he was cussing out all the nurses in his room before he died. But he was really tickled pink to be last year's Guest of the Year. But I told him last night, enjoy it, because when you wake up tomorrow, your reign is over. That's it. That's it. And then he thanked me for making him guest the year, but I said, it's got nothing to do with me. There's a board. There's a board, and I don't want anything. I. And that board's name is Mike Lynch. I take the same approach to that as Joe Biden does versus his son in the DOJ and the FBI. No involvement. You just do what you do. He's guilty. He's innocent. I don't want my fingerprints on any of this. Nope. That's how I do it, right? With the board. That same estate, Same as Joe, same as Scranton Joe does with the Department of Justice. You want to drop all the charges? Okay. Got nothing to do with me. Going to see Ms. Liza next year. Let's have the old Guest of the Year announce the winner for the new Guest of the Year. Smart. One thing, I'll add this. Like, I think it was 2017 when Kyle Dunnigan won Guest of the Year. Kyle showed up to the Corolla show Christmas party afterwards, and I came up to him and I said, hey, dude, I. I need you to know that you won Guest of the Year. As far as all of the ACE Awards we give away for comedy value, this one matters. And when, you know, when. When that good happens. Whatever, dude. I don't know. All right. Gotta have a destination before you jump in the Uber. I missed. You gotta have a destination. I can't wait to hear that moment in next year's Ace of Wars. I missed the exit. You gotta have a destination in mind. Otherwise, don't jump in the Uber. All right, all right. Rant of the year part five. Our fifth nominee for rant of the year, NPR. I was just listening to NPR and they'll go, like, they'll call January 6th a deadly insurrection. That's left wing bought and paid for government. Well, right there. A lot of NPR was there. So, yeah, they're liars. I mean, I would love them if I was a Democrat. That. Because they're fucking carrying my water, but they're Funded news. Yeah. And they definitely accepted. I would love to see what NPR's batting average was on all things Covid. What would their batting average be on all things Covid? And where did. Okay, let's talk about NPR's reporting on Covid. Let's say did their reporting very one fucking millimeter from all the shit that was coming out of Fauci's mouth and Michelle Rolinski's mouth in the government's mouth? Did it? Did it? Did they, did they do their own reporting on efficacy of vaccines or safety of vaccines or mask efficacy or social distancing or locking schools? Show me any fucking NPR anything that went against any official government. And then my answer is, I don't care whose government it is. You don't want a news organization paid for by the government doing all the fucking government spitting. Yeah, I did a fucking interview with those lying truth is for all. I drove a half across the goddamn town in rush hour in New York and went up to the eighth floor and sat down with that lying sack of disingenuous shit. Brian Lehrer, who's an NPR guy and he's a reporter. And I sat down, I did an interview with him, and he tried to ambush me. But because they're dumb and lazy, they played a clip of Jo Koy doing an Asian character and then claimed I did it. And then I explained to them I didn't do it. But I appreciate what you're trying to do because first off, npr, can you do an interview with somebody who differs from your raggedy ass and not turn it into an ambush situation? How about we have a fucking conversation? Brian Lair. But he brings me in, he tries to ambush me, I call him out on it, and they never release this hour long interview. So. So this is the news organization. You do an interview with somebody. You don't like the way the interview turns out because that somebody showed up prepared, made some fucking points, and so you never air it. But you're interviewing npr. You're all about the truth and transparency, everybody. Yeah, California, we're gonna appoint some sort of curriculum now so we can tell kids we can coach them for fake news. Yeah, the misinformation. Yeah, Media literacy. So like my feeling with all these assholes is just give it a year off between you lying and being wrong about everything before you try to usher in the new media literacy czar that you're gon point. Dylan Mulvaney is going to be the new media literacy star. Like, are you fucking nuts? The biggest hypocrites in the world just wrong. That thing drove me nuts because they never aired that episode. And then I had Matt call him, and they were like, oh, we're doing a pledge drive. And it's like, pledge drive came and went. And then we found out that John Waters wrote a book and they aired it the next day or whatever, like two months after mine. They lied and they lied and they lied. And then they said, you can come in and redo it if you want. And then they voted for Gavin Newsom, even though they're in New York. I'm just saying, do what you do. NPR and the right will do what they do, but do not accuse the other side of being lying and peddling misinformation. That's what you do. All right? And both sides. Let's just say both sides will do it, but don't be sanctimonious about it. Remember, I have the book publicist email, and she says, basically, after telling me they were holding it until their pledge drive ended, they decided that they aren't going to air it. The EP knows it wasn't good radio, and the host knows it, too. He was unprepared and said, adam is right and that they did not do a good job. All right, but now you have to eat your shit. Npr, who we pay for. You did it. I did the interview. Because if it went the other way around, that thing would air the next hour immediately. Right? All right, so there. But by the way, there's where you're getting your truth from everybody. Those people. And by the way, we're seeing integrity. Any spine? Any professional integrity there? No. None whatsoever. So just understand, when the next pandemic comes rolling down and these people start. I know. They start talking about it, understand who they are. The most important three and four syllable words you will ever hear in your life are dignity and integrity. How'd you do that? One novel. You did Dignity in one syllable. All right, Dawson, you better be ubering home after this. I am. I am. That's all right. We're celebrating. Drinking out of a champagne bottle. All right. I'm drinking Brose. I appreciate it. I'm drinking Brose out of a To go coffee cup. Okay, Just. Just. Just Uber at home. That's all. I am ubering at home. Okay, all right, all right. Interview of the Year, part three, coming right now. Our third nominee for Interview of the Year Exhibit. We've done. Done a lot of healing. We've been therapy. We talk about it on a regular basis. And I think that it says more about them. Meaning my parents at the time, my dad and. And, you know, my step. My stepmom. Are they still around? No, my father passed away. But I think she's still alive. We. But once. Once. Once we done. Once I became. I. I think I had one conversation with her. One conversation. I went. I went. After you became successful. After I became successful because she used to have a lot to tell me about who I wasn't going to be. And so. So when I actually went back, I wanted to talk to her one last time. And so we go to her house and I'm thinking I'm just gonna kind of, kind of come have conversation. She asked me to help clean the garage or do some kind of chore in the house. I was like, yeah, you know, never changes. You know what I'm saying? Like, wow. Yeah. Just control. And so, you know. Okay, cool. So I sit down and I finally get to have this conversation. And so I asked her, I said, do you think that everything that you did as my, you know, supposedly taking the place of my mother, do you think you did a good job with that? She said, oh, you were raised. When I got you. I said, do you think that you did a good job raising us, or do you think that you did everything that you were supposed to do to. To. To make us feel as though we were your children? And I. I didn't agree with some of the. The methods and, you know, the. The corporal punishment. She said, you guys deserved it. You deserved everything that happened to you. And. And then after that, I said, I got the answer I need. And so I told her, you'll never meet my children. You'll never be able to do the same thing to my children that you've done to me and my sister. And you know, I just wanted to come look you in your first, look you in your face one last time to see if there was any kind of humanity or any kind of thing that's in you that made you anything would have worked. But she stuck in her ways. Wow. Yeah. Didn't expect that one coming. I thought we were just gonna be talking about Pimp my Ride the whole time. Yeah. I love exhibit. Everyone loved it. I became a fan during that interview. Agreed. All right, we move on to best musical performance. The nominees for best musical performance are. Jimmy Vaughn. Alpine Valley in the Middle of the Night Six string down on a heaven bound flight he's gotta pick the strap get on his back Ain't gonna cut the angel no slack Heaven fault Another blue stringer back home love they call another Blue stringer back home Wheeler Walker Jr. Came out my mama's with my dick in my hand Slapped the nurses, said I'm your man. By the time I got to juvie I was knocking her down. I was a teenage pussy hound. Girl, just your look. I was born to fuck. Girl, just your look I was born. Now I'm a big time star on a big tour bus. Got a load of bitches hanging on my dust And I give it all to them, baby, one at a time. You wanna suck my dick? You better get in that line Girl, trust your luck. I was born to fuck. Girl, trust your look. I was born to fuck. The Lord blesses us all with different gifts. On the day he made me, he spent all his time on my dick. My big ass dick. And Tia Carrera. I'm still here. How could you even question all the faith I have in you? If there's ever any doubt and look at in my eyes, look in my soul, baby, you know I could never ever go, oh, no, I know, baby, I'm yours if you want me to be. All I ever wanted was to have you here with me. To b. Have no fear, I'm still here. Wow. Tia Carrera, she's hit of the party last night. Oh, so sweet. She's such a sweetheart. All right. Pretty. Pretty amazing. All I can remember from all those is how Jimmy Vaughn didn't know the Righteous Brothers had a song called Rock and Roll Heaven. Sure. It was literally a top 10 song about rock and rollers going to heaven. And the band, they were great. Never heard of that song. How's that work? How's that part of life? And then how do you get all the way through the process? Like when you go, I'm gonna write a song. Angie did not know the song. Angie sign off. He means producer Angie. Producer Angie, right. From our radio show. Never heard the Rolling Stone song called Angie. Hey, guess what, though. No, I'm not. I don't blame Jimmy Vaughn. I produced. No, I blame the producer. Like the guys in the booth goes, you do know the Righteous Brothers wrote a song about rock and rollers going to heaven and starting a band. He showed that song to a few people before it went out. Many people. That's all. That's the part of life, I'm curious. Not him. It's everyone around him who doesn't exactly raise their hand or he just wasn't listening. There is a winner. There is a nice. But first of all, let me say that I had Jimmy Vaughn tech his guitar on my amp and Jimmy Vaughn's settings on my amp are in gold Sharpie. So tune into Jimmy Vaughn. And that's so great. Now, Tia Carrera. Carrera. She brought it. It was amazing. Yeah. Yes, it was amazing. And one of the great things about songwriting is suffering. So Tia Carrera is going to continue to suffer because the ACE Award goes to Wheeler Walker Jr. Wow, Wheeler. Hard to argue with Wheeler. So funny. I thought Tia left it all. She did leave it all, but Wheeler brought the funny. All right, let's move on to offering number six for Rant of the Year. Our sixth nominee for Rant of the Year, Energy drink flavors. You know, when we were kids, there was CO, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Fresca. Now there's 700,000 energy drinks and every kind of Gatorade and new. It's gonna. It's got electrolytes and it replenishes. It's all corn syrup. You're gonna have to be in charge of yourself also. Don't be stupid. Like, I was just with someone, and they do this shit. Happened. Happened to my son. Happened to a friend of mine. They go to the fucking store, they buy Gatorade. Gatorade is Wild Berry Blast Mountain Seizure. And then it's a. It's orange, green and red. And then they take a sip of it and they go, this tastes like dude. And I'm like, yes, you ordered something that doesn't exist. You could have ordered lemon, lime or orange or something, but you went with Rocky Mountain Blue Blast Seizure and Arctic Glass Seizure. The white one, that's seven colors inside of this fucking thing. None of them exist in nature except for on Birds of Paradise. And you took one fucking hit off it, and you go, this doesn't taste like watermelon. Of course. It's a pile of fucking chemicals. Why did you buy it? You're an adult. All right, we plow forward to our fourth installment of Interview of the Year. Our fourth nominee for Interview of the Year, Tucker Carlson. What do you think the future holds? Is it. I don't know. I mean, are they going to let Trump be president? Of course. I mean, look, if. You know, they protested him, they called him names. He won anyway. They impeached him twice on ridiculous pretenses. They fabricated a lot about what happened on January 6th in order to impeach him again. It didn't work. He came back. Then they indicted him. It didn't work. He became more popular. Then they indicted him three more times, and every single time, his popularity rose. So if you begin with criticism, then you go to protest. Then you go to impeachment, now you go to indictment, and none of them work. What's next? I mean, you know, graph it out, man. We're speeding toward assassination, obviously, and no one will say that, but I don't. I don't know how you can't reach that conclusion. You know what I mean? Like, they have decided permanent Washington. Both parties have decided that there's something about Trump. This. It's so threatening to them. They just can't have it. I mean, they're putting him on trial in March of next year in the J6 case, which basically consists of trying to send him to prison for the rest of his life for complaining about the last election. That's literally what it is. Again, if this were happening in Moldova, the State Department would issue an all hands on deck order to let the world know this is not a legitimate government. And yet our government. Government is doing it. It's like, it's really. It's hard to overstate how bad this is. And I'm not. I don't. I don't know where it's going, but there's a collision that's clearly imminent. And by the way, the president is senile in a way that's impossible to deny. Biden's not running the government, you know, so, like, I don't know. I've never been this worried about anything as I am about where this is going. All right? So everyone should know. The time we're living in, the time we're living in is overstate the problem and then action. So what was Covid. It was deadly to old fat people. But we overstate and then we bring it down to kids, and then we shut schools. So we go into action. So overstate, then action. That's the time we're living. Black lives matter. You know, cops are shooting unarmed black men. Yeah. Between 12 and 18 a year. That's the number. Not thousands. All right, but overstate it, Bring it up, then we can roll. We overdo it, then we bring it back. We don't bring it back. We go, here's the problem, and we overstate the problem. So we got Joe Biden and everyone else going. White supremacy is the biggest problem we have in this country. Now we go find it. Now we act a Covid. White supremacy. He was just talking about January 6th. Make it into an insurrection, by the way, did that any way, shape or form resemble an insurrection. The deadliest day since Pearl Harbor. Whatever. Okay, Nobody thinks that. People say they don't think it. Nobody thinks it. But overstate it, then action. So it's a deadly insurrection. Okay, who caused the deadly insurrection? Donald Trump. Okay, lock him up. So build it up, then go into action. So it's basically like saying. It'd be like saying 5 million people die each year in crosswalks. All right? We gotta cement in all the crosswalks. Except for the first statement is a lie. So we're living. The whole Covid thing was exactly the same as January 6th. Same thing. Build it up, make it into something that it wasn't and it never was. And then snap into action. That's where we're living, right? So Covid wasn't a killer, and January 6th wasn't a killer. Neither one. They're both the same. They're both sort of inert. I mean, shit happened on both. Both events, but not. Not what they're saying. Build it up, snap in action. That's. That's the time we're living in right now. All right? It's. It's. It's not a good time. That's not. That's. And that's the problem. It's not a good. It's not good when your government is making something into something. And then. So, you know, it'd be like, if the government's going, we got a big problem with the tsetse flies here. And it's like, you don't really have a big problem with the tsetse fly. We have a huge problem with the tsetse fly. And then I come to your house and I go, do you have a citrus tree in your backyard? And you go, yeah, I do. Okay, we gotta cut it down because we got a huge problem with the tsetse fly. It's like, okay, we don't have this problem, but now you're coming into my yard with a chainsaw. That's what we're dealing. That's what we're dealing with right now. I had an Atari 2600, and I played Pitfall, and I always called them TTS flies. Oh, TTSI. Maybe it is. I think it is better now. You're right. It's teetsy. It's teetsy. I think it's teets. I thought I was wrong. Now you're right. Okay. Analogy still stands, though. I understand what you meant. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. We got to look it up. I think it's two E's. You're right. It's teetsy. It's like tse. No, it's T, E, T, S, E. So it could Be tetsy. It reads Tessie, but I think people pronounce it teetsy. We're gonna figure it out. How I learned that from the video game Pitfall, I have no idea. All right, we'll look it up. Look up the proper pronunciation of ttse. But you're right. T E T should be tetsy. Sure. Thank you. All right, now we're coming back, everyone's favorite most uncomfortable moment. The nominees for most uncomfortable moment are. Adam and Chris. So first, just to be clear, the new album is called Ladybug, released at number one this month on Apple Music. What is it an album or is it a stand up. It's a stand up album. Oh, it's a stand up album. Yeah, just. Just the audio. Oh. Oh, that's what makes it an album? Yeah, I think so. It's just. Okay, Chris, you got to clear me up on this. What? How was I not clear? You said it was music, and I said she. She said. I never said it was music. No, no, no, you said. I said, did she have a standup special? And he said, she got a standup album or something like that. And then. No, no, I said music or comedy? And I said comedy. But this says it's a stand up. No, this is new album. Ladybug released number one this month on Apple Music. Yeah, because that's how you get comedy albums is through Apple music. But. But it's not a video. There's no video. No. All right, but then we. How many specials? No, we release. Everyone comes up and talks their special up, right? Yeah. You said she's got a comedy special, but it's on Apple Music special. What you say? I said she has a new album and you said comedy or music? I said comedy. It's a standup album. Like, you know how people do albums but they don't do albums anymore? They don't do albums anymore. How many people in here do a special versus just there are more specials, but they're. How many more? When's the last time? I don't know. Okay, like just a year ago. All right, Just. I don't. But a year ago. I don't think this is fair. No, everyone comes in and releases a stand up special. Right. So when you said stand up, I thought it was film. Should I just leave? Erica, hold on. We're talking. Go ahead. When I said album, you asked music or comedy? So the special thing was already off the table. I said al album. Right, but I don't know the nomenclature. Courtney Stodden. No, no, no, when I was on the Dr. Drew Show. I mean, for him to call himself a doctor is laughable to me. Oh, let's talk about it. I'm just going to say he paid. He paid my husband to bring me onto the show to check undeveloped breasts. Well, let's see. How did this happen in front of his audience to see if I had implants or not? Well, to be fair to Drew, is that a doctor? I mean, he didn't. Come on, Adam. Carolla, let me defend him. He did not. He did not pay. He didn't pay. Let's go for accuracy. He didn't. He didn't not pay. That's another. That's another subject. But he didn't. No, it's the same subject. He exploited four views, Right? But his producers, if anyone paid anyone, it was his producer's idea. Like, that's not Drew's. I don't think. He didn't have to go along with it. That's true. He didn't sign any checks or anything. Is that Dr. True? The thing about. The thing about Dr. True. The thing about Dr. True that I've gotten from working with him for a long time is he is dutiful in terms of the producers, because I've worked with him on TV shows with the producer Adam Corona. Have some beer. The producers said to him, here's what we're doing. And he went, I do what you tell me to do. That's how Drew's wired. So I doubt it was his idea that he's a doctor that just says yes to everything. Pretty much, yes. That is accurate about. About him. Okay, Adam and Gina grad. And Adam, I know you've. You've written books and you've had some great blurbs in yours. You've written blurbs like, how does that process work? Well, I'll tell you how it works in this studio. Adam, I'm really sorry, but I wrote a book, and I was wondering if you might be okay. I don't want to annoy you. You know what? I'm just. Oh, that's what you guys would tell Mike Lynch. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's why. That's why I didn't make the back cover. I'm so sorry to bring this up again. I'm wondering if maybe you just want to say, like, it's good. That's okay. You don't want it just fine. Now what happens is that's why he's not on the back. People bring it up. Oh, I didn't give you a blurb. No. Oh, are you shitting me? I am not shitting you. That's okay. The next day there's gonna be another one at the end of the summer. All right, T Lynch, if you're listening, please make it going on that blurb love of CR you have all summer. Please make it really good. Your second edition will sell even more. He's out following fish all around the country off his ass on edibles. He's turning it on right now. Orie Adams. I don't. It's nothing. It's nothing. What do you think this is? Well, let me just say I think it's inappropriate. No, you don't. I do. You're just bought and paid for. You're not. You don't think it's inappropriate? Your mind has been destroyed. Arnie's owned by big lady Soccer. This is nothing. Orie. I'm in bed with them, by the way. If it was something, why would he do it on a stage in front of a full stadium? Another thing, obviously go up there to sexually assault somebody in front of 80,000 people and 10 cameras. I think what you might like to do is distinguish between something like that and for example, why Danny Masterson is in the news. There's Right. So. Yes. Or you. Everyone up. Who has a legitimate. Who's an actual. I do. I do. My voice is so strong. You and your ilk. Okay, first of all, you don't know where I stand anywhere in your house. I've seen your ilk, Okay? I have clarity on this. And I don't know what this ilk thing clumping me in a group turn a mush. No, all I'm saying is I see this as inappropriate. Now there's. It can be. Am I going to finish a sentence? Not everything's appropriate. It's fair. It's inappropriate. Okay. That's what I'm saying. Adam and Mike. Mike August. Mike, pitch us. Pitch us your idea. Well, also, it is true you went out to the group, right? You went out to Jimmy Kimmel and Sal and James, Dixon and Danny. Two sheets and everyone. You wanted them to vote only after being frustrated by you. Correct? Right? You put it. And I bet he thinks you butchered. You butchered it when you explained it. Okay, but you blocked what was. What was the feedback. Feedback from Jimmy and David. Well, that wasn't even the point. I knew that was going to go right in the toilet. That was the last gasp. We're just saying to you you've missed the boat on this, huh? Well, there's probably Going to be a cocaine bear, too. Yeah, But a new Coke Bear. Electric. Push it. Give it a pitch, Mike. New Coke Bear. Coke Bear has got a bad habit and a bad attitude. Right. Got totally screwed, Right. He had a bad deal in the first film because he had a possum for an agent, Right. I like it. Every zoo in the world is trying to capture him, put him on display. He's a hot item, right? He's got to go to Bear hab. He's got a wicked, wicked coke habit now. It's all going wrong for Coke Bear, right? So I said, jonathan Kite, the great Jonathan Kite. Take the Paul Giamatti character and make that the Coke Bear. Imagine Coke Bear with that kind of just like. Like crazy, neurotic Paul Giamatti thing. That would be a great character. What was his response? He said, yes. He loved it. All right. Loved it. He did. And then he comes in studio the other day. I'm like, oh, great. Now we're gonna get some new Coke Bear. And do we? No, you gotta imagine somebody with real talent getting their teeth into this. Their big, bare teeth. Yeah. The problem with people with real 10 talent is they don't like lame ideas. What? We need someone who's a little mediocre in the talent. Like a little hungrier, a little more desperate. Cocaine Bear on national television less than a month ago. Was that Jimmy? Oh, that was Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy. Little show called the Oscars. Oh. Came out with. Yeah. Was there a Coke Bear on the Oscars? Annie D. And also did the Chupacabra on Kevin and Bean. Jimmy, give me a goddamn break on lame ideas, all right? I like New Coke Bear even more. Yeah. All right. So I think a lot of people are like, oh, why are you so animated? Or tough on Ornie Adams. Yeah. Yeah. The answer is he is the problem. That's it. It is when it comes to situations like soccer coaches kissing their players for a millisecond on a podium. That is not the problem of the soccer coach or the federation governor or whatever. The president was over there. And it's not the fault of the player that got kissed. It's the fault of all of us for going along with the ruse and the hit. And they all voted for Gavin News. That's right. Because we're in fear of being on the unpopular side of a situation. It's all our fault. So it happened with COVID It happens 10 times a week in California. My beef with Orny was like, just admit it was nothing and move on so we could get Past this. Just be real. It was nothing. It is nothing. It is still nothing. It is just nothing. It didn't change her life. It didn't change his life. The controversy around it changed everyone's life. The situation was no different than if you had just had a couple of cocktails and planted a quick kiss on somebody who was leaving the party last night. It was nothing. And when we build the nothing burgers into something, then that's our fault. That's society's fault. We should have immediately just dismissed it. All the bitches that complained about it, we should immediately went, shove off, fuck off, it's nothing. Who cares? Turn the page and it would go away. So we don't. My umbrage with Ornie Adams is you give you and your ilk give this life in wheels and identity, amplifying it, fueling it. It's nothing. It is nothing is the same. I'm trying what we always talk about, which is, oh, God, what's his. Al Franken. Al Franken is nothing. This is nothing. Stop breathing life into nothing and then focus on the somethings. And if you assholes would quit breathing life into the nothing burgers, we could get the fuck on with our society. But you won't. You have to stop every time and breathe something into nothing. Because you think it's a popularity contest. Yep, that's exact. And by the way, the reason we got fucked with COVID is a whole bunch of you people bred something into nothing. And that's why the black kids are failing at math. Thank you, heroes. Great job. That's why I get pissed off at the innocuous nothing people who breathe something into nothing. It's our fault. Yeah, there's no room for budgeting or for reasoning or anything like that. Suspended for three years for nuance. Three years. The guy got suspended from the Federation. Three years for planning a fucking celebratory kiss on after the World frickin Cup. And I mean, look, dude, she wasn't even that hot. Yeah, Dawson. All right, well, I will say this before Dawson announces the winner, which I think Orny is the front runner. Yours and Ornie's relationship over this last year. I've just loved watching that dynamic develop. I love Ornie. But it does sadden me that so many people think they have to come down on one side of an issue because it involves a woman claiming she was exploited or felt uncomfortable or something. It just feels disingenuous. It feels cowardly, and it feels like the opposite of comedy. I also. That's the part that disappoints me. Yes. Okay. I also love Ornie Adams. And it is unfortunate to say that the ACE award for most uncomfortable moment goes to Ornie Adams. Congratulations, Ornie. Welcome to the club. All right, we will take a break. We'll come back with our technical and creative arts package right after this. At a private ceremony last month, technical and creative arts aces were handed out in the following categories. Best new app. Someone could invent an app where, like, you know, you talk to that family member who just doesn't say anything and keeps going in circles, or that ditzy friend of yours who never stops talking about how her cat thinks it's a person. What about an app that once it heard some of those buzzwords, it just started. Just a rancher Music just started playing them off. I'm investing. Would you invest in investing? Maybe. Maybe it would work where, like, everyone's got that shitty neighbor who lives in their building who tells them one thing and then just keeps going. Hey, Adam. Hey, neighbor. Did you get some sleep last night? Yeah. Yeah. Anywho, I saw you were out and putting trash in the trash can, and I just wanted to remind you, I don't know if you got my text message at 2am where I text the whole blockchain. I didn't get it till the morning. Well, I did text everybody and it makes it easier for me to respond about the trash. The trash cans. Yes. So you do know. So you might have seen the trash cans. I'll shut the lids. I'll shut it. There's just raccoons and cats and opossums. There's a lot of creatures. Every time now I shut it. There's a lot of diseases. There's that lepto disease going around and I just don't want to have to, like, send you a bill for that. Yeah, I'll shut the lid. But the cats are an issue and also the raccoons. So you really need to just check the email and the text message. It has all the information. But if you could just shut the lid of the trash can and not keep it open, that'd be great. Opossums carry a lot of diseases. Do you want to come over later? Yeah. But I'm bringing the app Best airport innovation. Every airport should have somebody dressed as one of the survivors from the Donner party. An old timey garb, you know what I mean? And they would just walk around and then you'd be sitting around going a. I'm trying to get to Phoenix and it's gonna take an extra 90 minutes to get to Phoenix. And I told the, my sister in law was going to pick her up and she's already left for the airport. And this guy would just show up in his donner party outfit and go. We had to eat fellow Christians because it snowed, because we couldn't get from Oregon to Nevada because it took 26 days. And you're pissed off that they're out of nuts on the South. Less life. And he'd stay in character. He would never break. Yeah. Once he humbled you, he would walk over to the next sassy traveler who was melting down because they couldn't get to Newark until later on that afternoon. Best political products. I want every single company to pick a side. Every company. I want every company to be like, what side are you on? Declarational politics. Choose which side of the aisle. Not because I give a shit about politics. I want to see the commercials. I want to see the commercials for left wing laundry detergent. I want to see it just like it's the, it's tied. Liberal laundry detergent. We make all colors equally bright. I want that and like, well, what does it do for the whites? It, it does nothing. It does nothing for the whites. That's what I want. I want left wing laundry detergent. I want. Doesn't work in hot water. Guys comes home, he's had a long day of protesting. He's got the gay flag. Yeah. Cop fired, a couple of smoke bombs their way. Now it's scuffed up. They're going to throw it vibrant. They're going to throw it in there with the new tide liberal laundry detergent. And like you put, if you put a white shirt in and then use tried liberal laundry detergent, it comes out rainbow, comes out gay flag. Comes out gay flag. I want all these commercials. I want it. All right, all right, all right. We need some, we, we need some conservative products. We need some hardcore right wing conservative products. What, what we got? Oh, we're going to talk shave curve cream. I'm going tampons. Tampons. I'm going conservative tampons. Because conservative maxi pads. They, they only have right wings. Just on the right. Just on the right. Right. But what about the red? Because that's associated with the right. Oh, we like that. Yeah, it's good. The, the box is blue and white because we know you bleed red. Oh, you bleed red. That's what conservative tampons. Conservative feminine products. I want wings on the right. I want this so bad. Yeah. This mat, this maxi pad loves a red Wave. Come on. Yes. That's so good. Let's do this. Best sports innovation. Well, you know, when you golf, they have that woman's tee. Yeah. The front tees. Yeah. And that's where. So when men and women are golfing together, they go. The women go from there, and the men go from here. Why is that? Because men are physically stronger, so they. Whatever their reasoning is, they figured it out. Right. So let's figure it out with this. Maybe there's some sort of, like, second delay. So if you're trans woman, you. You're minus 10 in the pool. Well, also handicap them. You have to. Handy, because then you can. Okay, then we'll do. Oh, I came up with an answer for this. Figure something out. All the sprints. Sandbag titties. Best new sandwich. Rube is an awkward, unsophisticated person. Rube showed up around the turn of the 19th century as a slur for a gullible country boy. Its origin is similar to that of hick. All right, I. I thought a rube was a. Like a slider version of a Reuben club sandwich. Oh, that would. Oh, we got to turn these terms around somebody. Let's put some positivity. Slider version of a Ruby. I just made it up. Oh, my God. I want it, or I want one now, brother. I love a Ruben. Yeah, and I'd love a Ruben even more slider version of a Reuben. Awesome little rub. And then you get. You get them. If you. If you make it as 3D, it's A. It's a Rubik's Cube. Oh, nice. And best sex toy review. We can create a better auto blow. I could retrofit this. Now, Dan, assuming you've had a real blow job, how does the auto. Auto blow compare to the real blowjob? Yeah, like, how close? Well, I don't have to tell it when I'm about to come. I love that joke. All right, moving forward to Interview of the Year, our fifth and final nominee for Interview of the Year, Oscar De La Hoya. When I decided to. To get a hold of my. My finances, I asked my money manager, like, you know, how much do I have in the bank? And he goes, dude, you have, like, $13,000 in the bank. I'm like, oh, I gotta. I gotta make some changes now. And that's. I was. I was only, like, 20, 21. I was 21 years old when I said that. So I've. I've made some really good decisions. I've made some bad decisions. I've had bad people in my life, Good people in my life, and I'm just happy I'm alive. Yeah. Literally. My life, like I said, was always controlled and. And for a reason. They wanted me controlled. You know, the powers to be. And to a certain extent, even family wanted me controlled, you know, and it happens when you're successful. It happens when you have money and fame, you know, because there's people who want it the easy way. And so, yeah, I was. I was. Was just. I was very gracious to my brother and sister, but everybody else, I just disowned for those reasons. You had some good guests on this show. No, it's good. I don't. Good. But it's kind of nice to reflect, you know, and it's nice that it's sort of a imprint and a stamp, historically, because if you make docs like I do, you have to go back and you go like, oh, we got to find footage of Dan Gurney or Paul Newman. You find these little bits and pieces of them being interviewed for little snippets of time. But you don't find long form digital interviews with these people, like, where they're really putting it all out there and stuff like that. And the thing that's interesting about the time we're in, and I don't know if I have no idea what the effect will be in the future, but I just mean if you would, like my grandfather, Laszlo Gorog, interesting guy. There's a little tape of him in his backyard with southwest flights going overhead and making noise all the time, but him sort of talking about his life or whatever. But if you want to know, if you're the child of or a friend of or just someone who's interested, and you want to know who I was or who any of these people were. Tucker Carlson. You can find volumes of digital information that go exactly. We think we know who Ben Franklin was. We don't really know where he was at on everything. But you will. A million years from now, you will be able to act, access this information, and you will go. There should be a volume in the Library of Congress under the folder Adam Carolla. Thank you very much. That's what I was getting at. All right. Now we move forward to interview the. Well, Dawson's gonna announce the winners. Yeah, we have to pick a winner. We have to pick a winner. This is tough because there's no losers. But there is a winner, which makes the others de facto losers. But there are no losers. But there are no losers. So the 2023 ACE Awards interview of the Year winner, you're Ubering home, right? Seriously, man. Okay, I get it. Language, the English language has become my enemy. It's very tough right now. The winner of interview of the year goes to Tucker Carlson. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. He's had it. He's had a big year. That a big year. Interesting guy. You know my thing with like the Tucker Carlson's of the world, like if you're on the left, you can go, I disagree with that guy. But you can't go, he's a lunatic or an idiot. You just go, I disagree. I would like more of that. You know, even when I'm going to go to Mississippi, even when I'm talking about Gavin Newsom, I go, I say, he's not dumb, there's something wrong. But he's not dumb. But I disagree with him. And if you're on the left, you can go, well, first off, I don't really know like how much of what, let's just say you're hard left. How much of what Tucker Carlson says you really disagree with? Right. He's going, I don't wanna keep pouring money into Ukraine. I don't trust Zelensky. I don't know. Do you? Okay, so you're on the left, you wanna keep dumping billions of dollars into Ukraine. Like what is it you actually disagree with? And there's a few things, but not nearly that much is what I'm saying. I am going to share a story. Uh oh, Tucker Carlson was a guest on the Adam Carolla show and he pulled up while I was outside smoking a cigarette. Tucker Carlson walks up to me and he says, I thought that was outlawed here, right? And I say, we're in the People's Republic of Corolla. We do what we do. And then Tucker Carlson and I had a 30 minute conversation. Now going into this conversation, I saw Tucker Carlson as that in a bow tie on cnn and I wanted to hate him. And the first time I had a conversation with the dude, I was like, yeah, man, I did a Biden. I'm sorry, bro. That's all right. He's. Tucker is a real person. As real as it gets. I agree. Disagree. Dawson doesn't get starstruck. All you want is a real dude, only with Gavin. All right, dude. All right, now we go. We move ahead to Best Guest. The nominees for Guest of the Year are. Jay Moore. Yes. Ever had a venereal disease, Ace? No. Me neither. Really? Never? That's good. I had crabs. I shared a bed, a small single sized bed with a roommate that had crabs and never got crabs. You didn't get him in your eyebrows from eating his ass? Eating his ass. But crabs isn't a venereal disease. It's an animal. Oh, that's right. It's like having a pet. Yeah. Did you have a hamster when you're a kid? It's the only. It's the only animal you could transmit. That makes sense. Like those little tiny bugs that look like crabs. Like, you can never catch a panther from someone. Like, it's. Yeah, you couldn't. The lights are out. You pulled on your pants. Yeah. Wait, what? No, nothing. We captured one of his crabs. Yeah. I had to put him in a little baggie and bring him to my doctor. I was in high school. Oh, I did. Yeah. Like a little Ziploc bag. And for some reason, my mom had, like, those. The lower third Ziploc bag. She's stealing coke? I think so. Yeah. She was a nurse. Who knows. My friend had the crabs. And for some reason, the crab shampoo Rid, or whatever it was called, was not over the counter. Yeah. And it's like. It was a little kit of, like, shampoo that would kill the crabs. It's the only thing that will kill the crabs. And, like a miniature little crab comb. That's not true. Which is. Oh, well, we both have stories on this thing. Shave one of your balls. A flip flop doesn't count, though, because you can't take a shot. Chunk. You shave one of your balls completely bald. You light the hairy ball on fire. After they transfer over the hair, they run out of the bald ball. You take them out with an ice pick when they're out in the ocean. Oh, you're right. That'll work. Greg Fitzsimmons. I was in the Valley and I went to a Starbucks. And I was. I was crowning. I was. I was crowning the underwear. The underwear we're gonna be throwing out after this episode. It was already that bad. And so I get. And this is. There's a code, and I gotta get the code. And I wait, and somebody's in there. And I'm. I'm sweating, sweating, trembling like a Chihuahua. And then this woman comes up with her son in a panic. And she goes, can he go next? He's really gotta go. And the door opens. At that moment, I go, sorry, I can't help you. And I went inside and I destroyed the restroom. Skid marks, fumes bad. Wash my hands, open the door. I walk out, mother's standing there with a kid. He's crying and his Pants are completely wet. Wow. Have a nice day. That'll be on your reel when St. Peter's reviewing your work. Let's see. That's right. Would not let a poor child go in front of him in the bathroom. Did put a number two pencil up his ass on a school bus. You're combining two stories. Feet off. Oh, that's later on the scroll. That St. Peter. That scroll's gonna hit the floor and just keep rolling. Oh, Fitzsimmons, we've been waiting for you. Seem to be loitering in front of that massage parlor, looking around for a while. Are you Tiffany Haddish? Well, I wasn't. No. It's a story I would like to tell, but then I don't think I should tell it. What happened? Okay, so I was in the club, right? And I was dancing with this guy. And the guy's real handsome, right? And, like, we the same height, eye to eye. I'm like, that's what I should have known. But then we was just. We was getting in, dancing and stuff. I was letting them touch all on my body. I was touching on their body. He's touching on my titties and stuff, around my booty. And he's like, hey, you might go sit down in the booth and, like, have a drink. Let's, like, cool off a little bit. I was like, yeah, let's cool off. Let's go. So we go to the booth, right? And then he's, like, rubbing on my lower back and stuff and rubbing on my booty and touching on my thigh. Having our drinks and stuff and everything. And then I'm touching his thigh and all that. Then they touch my coochie, and I'm like, oh, my God, you're touching my coochie. And, like, they didn't touch my coochie outside my clothes. Like, they was, like, on the outside of my clothes. But it was like, it was still nice. And it's hot sometimes hotter. Yep, it's kind of rubbing it a little bit. So then I was like, don't let me touch taste. Like, try to return the favor. But I couldn't find it. I was looking for it. And then I was like, oh, you must be a supers medium, huh? That's my favorite. And they was like, well, what's supers medium? I'm like, you know, very, very small penis. Like, because I don't feel it, guys. I love to hear that. I don't feel it, but that's my favorite. I'm smiling, I'm big. And I was like, oh, no, I was actually born a woman. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. Okay. I'm tell you, I thought I was getting pregnant that night. I thought if this was going down, okay, that I'm going down with this. I'm going down the road with this man. Right? And when they said that, I was like, okay, all right. Your voice got that high, you know, I thought we was going to be tonight. Yeah, I thought we was going to. I thought I was going to get pregnant by you tonight. What did he say? And he said, well, you know, we still can. We can get it in. I'm like, yeah, but I really love dick. That's like my favorite. Dick is like my favorite. Oh, I got a whole drawer full of dicks. I got all kind of dicks. What kind of dick you want? You want a blue one, a pink one, a black one, a big one, a small one? What kind of dick? I got a whole drawer full of dicks. And I was like, that's what's up. That's what's up. You know? Like, I got a drawer full of dicks, too, but I prefer my dick to have a heartbeat. Like, I put my turn my dick to be like, OG original dick. But, like, I'm not tripping, actually. You are so handsome. Like, you know what? I know somebody who would love with, like, you. Like, who would love everything about you and would be able to deal with everything you got going on. Because I'm gonna tell you I'm weak and I'm gonna be requesting dick with a heartbeat. Like, I'm gonna be requesting. How did he handle? And they. They started laughing at me, right? And I was like, no, I'm serious. I'm about to call my friend up here right now, and I'mma introduce y'all. Do you know I introduced him to my home girl and they are engaged to get married now. Oh, my God. Yes. I'm, like, so happy for them, but a little bit jealous at the same time. But happy. I love that. Adam Ray and Brad Williams. I'll give you one that bombed every night. Please. This is. This is my, like, my third. Third. Third or fourth joke. I said, do you know what it's like to go into a Starbucks as a midget and order a tall coffee? See, not as good as the demon one. Yeah, I got another one. Fire away. I was studying abroad in London, and I. I. It was when Michael Jackson come out with a CD of number one hits. So I get up there at this open mic and I go, man, I just bought this CD fired up. It's got all of MJ's classics, black or White, Beat it, and my favorite track. That's big in Germany. Okay, I admit it, I. The kid in the ass. That's a way better response than I got in the uk, so thank you so much. Ego boosted. Well done. See, that joke had legs. Yeah, I. I still have never heard a comedian do this joke. So the joke. And again, this is, you know, 30 some odd years ago and God knows how many bottles of Cuddy Sark and how many concussions, so it's not really fresh. But the joke was, basically, there's aa, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous, they got. They got that for. For the alcoholic. Some guy just booed. Somebody booed aa. Was it you? You trying to make your life better? It's J. It's Jeff Bezos. Bezos's poor younger brother. Oh, it's Terry Bezos. It's Terry Bezos. I remember him from Dateline. How was the iced tea, Terry? Yeah. Yes. Jim Hansen said you're free to leave, right? Or what's his name? Chris Hansen? Jim Henson was the Muppet guy. Yeah, he tried to put his hand up his ass. Similar. I mean, that's why he was there. So anyway, the joke was, if Jeff Dunham molested me, no one would ever believe it. Okay, That's. Oh, my God. And Pete Holmes. I hate ways. I really do. I love ways. Eat chip. I cite them as a breakthrough for me. Eat shit. Why? Tell me. Tell me why I'm wrong. It's just. It's a lifestyle choice, I think. Surrendering to traffic, surrendering to your life, surrendering to reality. It's a very important. It's in the dao. They say the great way is not difficult for he who has no preferences. So this is the thinking mind made manifest in grotesque. Grotesque meaning. In la, you'll be in a little bit of traffic and it's like, okay, take a right through a cul de sac neighborhood. Running over skateboards. I'm with you. Disrupting. No, I'm 100% with you on this weird traffic and destroy all the shit. And then it'll send you to a stop sign across four lanes of oncoming traffic. Now I'm ghost white, making a suicide left. Why? So I can get to work 10 minutes early. Eat, eat. Listen to a podcast, call an old friend or God help you. Just listen to your thoughts and maybe figure some shit out with your dad. We need to learn how to be okay with what is. Because as Eckhart Tolle says how you feel right now is how you feel about your life. So instead of postponing your happiness to when you get to your destination, oh, I'll be happy when I'm at work. How about take the opportunity? Nothing is being asked of you. You're seated, you're listening to music, there's air conditioning. Stop catastrophizing if all you're doing is going to the grocery store and take the opportunity. My commute to here today was an hour and a half. I'm listening to yacht rock and deeping into deep awareness and just feeling compassion and love, preparing. That's life. That's your life. The idea of ways and a lot of these time saving fucks are taking us away from the opportunity we have to sink and surrender into the happiness that we are instead of this circumstantial happiness that doesn't fucking work. Oh, I'll be happy once I'm doing great on Adam show. Fuck you. I was happy in traffic. Bitch. You, you may be reading more into ways than is necessary. It's not just waves. Are you rolling on K right now? I am. Look, I'm asking for the. I'm just saying, you get a microwave now, you cook dinner in 30 seconds. What are you doing with the extra time? Well, all this time we've saved, what have you done? Have you, have you watched any sunsets? Have you gazed into your daughter's eyes? Have you just taken a moment to contemplate the infinite mystery that's looking out your eyes? Have you gotten curious about that? Are you just trying to get home to watch one half more episode of the office for the 58th time? Eat fucking shit. There's your best of clip. Yeah, now that I love Pete Holmes, but I love it. Listen, I'm going to leave here in half an hour and I got to go to Malibu and I'm either going to go the 134 to the 405, get off on Sunset, or I'm not going to get off on Sunset and I'm going to go all the way through to the 10 and then take that to PCH and one of both may save me eight minutes one way or the other. I will let Waze decide, but I don't feel like they're running my life. I just feel like I could get to Malibu eight minutes earlier. Sure. If I took the 10 or I got off on Sunset, I will leave that up to Waze. Sure. But the more important thing is, is we have the funniest people in the world who come into this show, and they all compete for Guest of the Year. And what it really comes down to is when a guest stops being funny and starts being real. Wow. And that's why this year's Guest of the Year. Oh, it's a big. This is a big deal. This is big. Goes to. I can't remember his name. Don't you have it written down somewhere, Dawson? No, I don't. Why don't you have it written down? No, I'm sorry. I got it. Ready? Ready? Yes. Guest of the year, Pete Holmes. Oh, yeah. Makes sense. We love Pete. I love Pete Holmes. That was a great clip. Pete homes really away from his past and toward his future and present. But, like, Austin. He needs to stop. Austin. You're gonna end up like Portland if you don't stop. You know what's funny? Is the. The slogan for Austin is Keep Austin weird. Right. Do you know what the slogan for the rest of Texas is? Fuck off, Austin. Keep Austin contained. Right, Right. Yeah, it is. And by the way, Port, let's keep Portland weird, too. Like, listen. They both get it, dude. By the way, not working out well. Okay? You make Dawson mad. Sorry, man. No, no, no. Here's what I'm saying. When I grew up, weird meant you drove a 66 Mercury Comet or something like that. Weird meant for weird meant you wore a bolo tie with, like, a big brooch on it or something. Weird meant you did something weird with your facial hair. Mustache. A funky mustache. That's what weird meant. It didn't mean homelessness, shitting in the street and stabbing tourists. Yeah, that. Now you look at weird as. Oh, we're weird now? No, no. Weird as facial hair. Not this weird as. Weird. Frames on your glasses. He didn't ask. Society, right? Wearing your weird facial hair. Gonna go to Mississippi now, Dawson. You know a movie that's from Roots? No. That was a guess I've never seen. Good. No, that was Take the Money and Run. That was Woody Allen. So Woody Allen close. You're close. It's a comedy. It's a comedy. Like it. I was. I was. He was in a chain gang. I was adjacent. That's all right. All right. Rant of the Year, offering number seven, Our final nominee for Rant of the Year. Lazy teachers. Every motherfucking time there's a break, Easter break or summer break, or Christmas break, I say to my kids on Sunday night was, back to the salt mines tomorrow, Monday morning. And they go, we're not. We don't go back. We go back Tuesday Tuesday. And I go, why Tuesday? It's like. Then we just don't go back because nobody wants to go the back to work on Monday. But we all normal people go back to work on Monday after you've been off for two weeks. But they don't. And the other goddamn day the holiday went into a. Into Monday. It went into Monday. So then I came on a Monday and I said, well, it's back to work now on Tuesday. And they go, no, we do Wednesday. They kick an extra day onto every holiday. You just had three weeks off, why do you need another? They hate working. They hate it. They it. If you love loved work, then why are you negotiating for less work all the time? Here's how you know you hate work. You sign up for a job where you have the entire summer off. Three months of nothingness. Yeah. That's not someone who's into their job. There's nobody who's into their job who wants three months off. People label you a hero because you're super lazy and you're always agitating for more money and less work. Yeah. Oh, move over, Clark Kent. There's a new sheriff in town, a super lethargic sheriff who wants to get paid more for doing less. And listen, if you took all the calendar days in the year they work less than they do and they go, you're including weekends? Yeah. Guess who's working this weekend? Me. Teachers. They don't like working. I. Okay, easy for you to say in your LAN. My 7 million. Is there any job where you work less days than there are in the calendar? Less than half. Firemen. Fireman's the only other job where you actually work less than half the days that are in the calendar. Anyway, listen, I hated teachers before COVID Now it's completely off. I fucking loathe them all. And you know, they're all fucking heroes. But listen, go try your luck out in the real world. Hero teachers. See how it goes for you. Go hang your shingle, start a business. See how it works for you in the real world. You fucking dumb lazy shits. All right, who are heroes? Who are. Basically, you're just in the fucking brain poisoning department now. Saddest thing. And the voting for Newsom. The saddest thing is my kids high schools called the Spartans. Principal lists his pronouns when he sends you an email. Just like they did in Sparta. They did. That's what they did. I don't know if he's a full blown puss or he just got sucked into the pussy vortex. Like the school, the Pussy pipeline, which I prepare for glory. The school, the pussy pipeline sucked in all the fucking pussies. But I, slash, they are Sparta. Yeah, seriously, they is Sparta. They is Sparta. All right. Sad, pathetic, but comical. All right? And I don't know why, if somebody said to me, listen, you got to put an email out. You got to talk about some live dates or something, and we also need your pronouns. I'd just be like, no. Just say no. Just say no. Heroes, just fuck off. Just no. You don't have pronouns. It's easy. You're a dude, you have a cock and ball. We're gonna look back at pronouns and laugh our ass off in a few years. I was in Austin a couple weeks ago, and I was mischievous, misgendered a whole bunch of times. Dude, everybody kept calling me y'all. All y'all talking about that guy yonder. Yonder, y'all. Well, love that dude. All right, we got a winner. We have a winner. Rant of the Year. Randy Weingarten. Covid. And celebrity silence. That makes sense because that's what it all comes down to, man. And he could tell he's going to be the winner because Adam was most ignited. Exactly. When it happens that way. Yeah. But I will tell you that, yes, LeBron, where were you? Oprah, where were you while they were harming black and brown children? You say you care about so much. It's super confusing this time to me. But I guess everyone is for sale. I guess that's the answer. I mean, you have Steve Kerr, and he's talking about leave China alone. Like, oh, okay, you're for sale, too. Everyone's for sale. I guess that's the new world orders. Everyone's for sale. Hey, man, this is unpopular, but Travis Kelce is sold. Yeah. To Pfizer. For those listening. I definitely am for sale. So if you give me a good price, I'm yours. All right. Emmy, Byron, Mike Dawson, of course, lynch and Chaffee and August and what's that name? Oh, Chris Locketmana. I couldn't read it. We don't need that one. Superfan. Giovanni, Adam Scher. And Rudy is Pavich as well for making the show. Great year, guys. Great year. Rudy is Pavitz. No, I just said Ruby Pavage. I don't know if we have. I don't know. We can never figure out. Rudy did. I don't know. I don't. Rudy did either. Rudy. Rudy does all the video. If you go on social media and you see our clips, that's Rudy. And we can never figure out, Is this the 15th year? Is this the 19th year? You know what? Lynch and I had this conversation and we specifically said we need to know what year this ACE Awards is because ACE is going to ask for it and we didn't. That was satisfying. Also, big thanks to Deschutes Beer for providing the beer for the ACE Awards and for the holiday party. Oh, really? Very delicious. Yes, thank you. All right, Rancho Mirage coming up. First show sold out at Agua Caliente. But the second show we. Hot water. Hot water. We opened up the second. So there's a few tickets left for that. Phoenix. Coming up, CB Live. And here's the best part, man, I'm in Phoenix with you. That's the best part of this announcement. Yes, Dawson will be there with me doing his signature brand of stand up. Never a compliment when someone puts signature in front of whatever it is you do. He's doing his own signature brand of carpentry. Never good. He's doing his own signature brand of forklift operation. Now you don't want signature doesn't help. But he'll be doing the signature brand of comedy. Yep. That's coming up at CB Live. And that'll be January 5th and 6th and then it's off to Solana beach where Fitz Dog and skinny Jody Miller's gonna join us on January 7th. Go to amcrol.com and Colorado just added to January as well, so. Oh, really? Yeah. You're heading out to Colorado at the end of January. Well, maybe we'll bring Sonny with us because he loves that there's a lot of weed in Colorado. I think we'll come with you. Dawson's gonna do his signature brand of comedy in Colorado. All right, so another great year. Thank you so much for this. Thank you, Adam. Thank you. And until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Chris Max Mad and Dawson with his own signature brand of drinking sang mahalo. The 2023 ACE Awards were produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch, co producers Chris Locks, Amana, Emmy Funes and Byron Perez. Special thanks to archivist superfan Giovanni orchestra and score for the ACE awards thanks to extreme music recorded using microphones by rode and edited on Avid Pro tools and Adobe Audition catering for the ACE awards by cereal covered donuts rubes and arctic blue seizure Gatorade hotel accommodations by atheist BNB Travel to the ACE awards furnished by the airport zipline. Thank you for joining us for this year's ACE Awards. Share it with a friend to show them what they missed in 2023 and get them listening in 2024. Oh, great. Now we're gonna get some new coke. Bear the Ace. All right. This is adam Krillo Show 3658, the 17th annual ACE Awards. The first time without the rest of the cast. The only time they got close to that was with just Adam and Brian back in 2010. Only two more episodes of Cruel Classics till the show returns. Until next time, Hollow and Get on.