Alanna Ubach + Larry Miller (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show: Alanna Ubach + Larry Miller (Carolla Classics)

Date: June 19, 2026
Podcast Network: PodcastOne / Carolla Digital
Featured Guests: Alanna Ubach, Larry Miller (plus classic appearances by Andy Fickman, Teresa Strasser, Bald Bryan)
Episode Theme: A fun, irreverent revisit to classic Adam Carolla Show segments, packed with comedic banter, showbiz tales, and signature "hypothetical road trip" games.

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode revisits some of the most entertaining and offbeat moments from the long-running Adam Carolla Show archive. Hosted by the famously unfiltered Adam Carolla, with regulars and special guests, this session features lively conversation with actress/comedian Alanna Ubach, director Andy Fickman, and the always hilarious Larry Miller. It’s a combination of behind-the-scenes showbiz anecdotes, riotous discussions about ethnicity, family quirks, the mechanics of comedy, and life on the grind in Hollywood. As always, long-form rants, improvised jokes, and the classic "hypothetical road trip" game provide plenty of laughs.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Alanna Ubach’s Family & Upbringing

[02:33–09:13]

• Alanna describes her unique Puerto Rican-Mexican background, growing up in Downey, CA (“upper middle class, mansion overlooking the freeway”) and offers a sharp, comedic look at intra-Latino stereotypes and socioeconomic hierarchies:
  • "Puerto Ricans and Cubans are considered... we're at the highest pinnacle of the pyramid." – Alanna Ubach [03:54]
  • "Don't you dare tell a Mexican he is Salvadorian or Nicaraguan. He will cut your balls off." – Alanna Ubach [04:22]
• Adam riffs on the "Latin pyramid of respect," and Alanna jokes about being mistaken for hired help.

2. Her Dad’s Life in Lithography—And Gay Porn

[05:58–10:28]

• Hilarious revelations about Alanna’s father's job as a lithographer, doing layouts for print magazines, notably lowrider and gay porn periodicals:
  • "He did a lot of gay porn, baby. That's where the money is." – Alanna Ubach [06:14]
  • Adam relates his own awkward encounter with a gifted Playgirl magazine ("couldn't throw it away!") and the strange world of nude male magazines.

3. The Absurdities of Hollywood, Celebrity, & Heritage

[14:58–16:44]

• Comedic deconstruction of Italian-American pride, changing names for showbiz, and Robert Davi’s memorably sleazy speech in Showgirls:
  • "If you're so proud of your fucking Italian heritage, why'd you change your last name to Stevens? Nobody knows you're Italian!" – Adam Carolla [16:27]
• Robert Davi’s infamous “cum speech” in Showgirls is quoted and dissected for comedic effect.
  • “You can touch them… if they come, it’s okay… unless he gives you a big tip…” – Adam Carolla (channeling Robert Davi/Showgirls) [27:40]

4. Addiction, Standup Comedy, and Mental Overdrive

[24:04–27:01]

• Honest, sometimes dark discussion about why standup comics gravitate to addiction:
  • “Your brain is constantly in motion… it generates everything… Sometimes it's tough to tell it to take a vacation.” – Adam Carolla [25:02]
  • “You can do a bunch of drugs, you can drown it in booze, or you can put a gun in your mouth. Those are the ways to shut your brain off.” – Adam Carolla [26:19]
• Conversation references comic Greg Giraldo’s overdose.

5. Hollywood Audition Tales & Casting Ironies

[36:22–40:52]

• Andy Fickman, filling in for Larry Miller, shares the heartbreak and humor of losing the iconic Showgirls role to Robert Davi:
  • “I was up for that Robert Davi part in Showgirls… they made up some baloney… because I put it in my speech pattern.” – Andy Fickman [36:38]
• Jokes about rehearsing sexualized scenes with inappropriate casting directors and the bizarreness of LA audition process.

6. The “Hypothetical Road Trip” Game

[41:13–47:47]

• Larry Miller/Andy Fickman play Adam’s classic “who would you rather road-trip with?” game:
  • Oddball matchups (chain-smoking diner waitress vs. telenovela star, annoying one-uppers, TV weathermen, female bodybuilders, etc.)
  • Always ending with Adam’s characteristically twisted “wrong” answers, riffing on each scenario’s dark potential.

7. Hollywood Career Pathways with Andy Fickman

[50:23–60:42]

• Andy Fickman tells his “no shortcuts” story—going from Texas Tech, to the Universal Studios mailroom, to making cult favorite Reefer Madness, and eventually directing Disney’s You Again.
  • “It was literally 10 years of a lot of theater… but Reefer Madness took off, and that changed everything for me.” – Andy Fickman [55:05]
• The business mechanics of directing, importance of international stars, and how studio deals work.

8. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Praised

[64:00–68:10]

• Fickman shares stories about working with Dwayne Johnson, lauding his work ethic, humility, and sports-team mindset on set:
  • “He will go around and handshake every crew member… that’s who he is.” – Andy Fickman [66:54]

9. Cross-cultural Dating, Swedish Social Policies

[79:32–83:54]

• Alanna shares stories of visiting Stockholm, meeting her Nordic boyfriend’s family, and the (comically) stark differences in social policy:
  • “Their side of the freeway doesn’t look like our freeways… every father stays home for two years.” – Alanna Ubach [83:23]
  • “If you’re ambitious, it’s really hard to get ahead out there because you have to give 50% to the government.” – Alanna Ubach [85:11]

10. Lightning Round – Work Rants, Cheapness, Comics

[150:10+ onward]

• Adam launches a classic tirade against dull comic strips and the futility of newspaper "funnies."
• Stories of ultra-cheap relatives and "grab bag" gift disasters.
  • “This whole thing started because we used to have a grab bag at my Uncle Gabby’s house. You take the cheapest people in North America, put them in a grab bag, and…” – Adam Carolla [165:03]

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Puerto Ricans and Cubans are considered… at the highest pinnacle of the pyramid.” – Alanna Ubach [03:54]
• “He did a lot of gay porn… that’s where the money is, baby.” – Alanna Ubach [06:14]
• “If you’re so proud of your fucking Italian heritage, why’d you change your last name to Stevens?” – Adam Carolla [16:27]
• “Your brain is constantly in motion, has trouble shutting down… sometimes it’s tough to tell it to take a vacation.” – Adam Carolla [25:02]
• “You can do a bunch of drugs, drown it in booze, or put a gun in your mouth… That’s the way to shut your brain off.” – Adam Carolla [26:19]
• “I was up for that Robert Davi part in Showgirls… they made up some baloney.” – Andy Fickman [36:38]
• “Always go with the female bodybuilder. Never with that guy. Because first of all, it’s too annoying. It’s too constant.” – Andy Fickman [47:16]
• “He [Dwayne Johnson] will go around and handshake every crew member… that’s who he is.” – Andy Fickman [66:54]
• "The best payback is having a good life and not being cheap and sharing your gifts with others." – Adam Carolla [164:56]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [02:23–09:13] – Alanna’s upbringing, family roots, and background
• [05:58–10:28] – Lithography, porn magazine anecdotes
• [16:27–17:12] – Italian-American heritage rants
• [24:04–27:01] – Stand-up, addiction, and restless minds
• [36:22–40:52] – The Showgirls casting saga
• [41:13–47:47] – Hypothetical road trip game (comedic “would you rather?”)
• [50:23–60:42] – Andy Fickman’s Hollywood journey
• [64:00–68:10] – Dwayne "The Rock” Johnson stories
• [79:32–83:54] – Swedish family, culture, and social program jokes
• [150:10+ onward] – Adam's comic strip rant and tales of familial cheapness

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Tone & Style

Irreverent, quick-witted, open, a little blue, and always a notch away from the absurd. Adam’s signature mix of biting observations, self-deprecation, long-run stories, and the playful mockery of both himself and his guests set the tone for a fast-moving, laugh-out-loud retrospective.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Show

This episode is a cyclone of Adam Carolla Show nostalgia, combining classic rants, showbiz war stories, and spontaneous comedic chemistry. Whether it’s dissecting the social pecking order of Latino heritage, sharing off-the-wall tales about porn magazines and mailroom jobs, or subjecting guests to the merciless “hypothetical road trip” gauntlet, the show captures the uncensored, unpredictable world Carolla has made his trademark. With whip-smart guests and Adam’s relentless, everyman humor, you’ll feel like you spent two hours in a green room with some of Hollywood’s weirdest and best.

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Plugged Projects/Where to Find Guests:

• Alanna Ubach: “Hung,” “Men of a Certain Age,” “Bad Teacher,” her one-woman show “Patriotic Bitch”
• Andy Fickman: “You Again,” “She’s the Man,” “Reefer Madness”
• Larry Miller: “This Week with Larry Miller” podcast

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Andy Fickman]

the 100 and the X Files may

[Adam Carolla]

cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay Never. Adam's guest today, the director of youf Again, Andy Figman plus Bob Bryan. And filling in for Teresa on the news, Alana Ubach plus Larry Miller for the hypothetical road trip game. And now, para es Hussar esta internencion en espanyol. Four for four. Marque Adam Corolla. Oh, although makes sense for Alana. You back? Who we have here? Your mic on?

[Alana Ubach]

Is my mic? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you hear me now? Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes we like to wait till the show starts.

[Alana Ubach]

No, we haven't. He's technical of the difficult.

[Adam Carolla]

What is your background, Alana?

[Alana Ubach]

Just weird and up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's what made you funny.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. No, my dad was from San Juan and my mother's from Sinaloa, I believe that's the crystal meth capital of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, Puerto Ricans, it's basically. That's the East Coast. That's your Mexicans over there, right?

[Alana Ubach]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think if you were, to be honest, like, you were just to stop your average person in Orange county,

[Alana Ubach]

which is the Mexican Beverly Hills,

[Adam Carolla]

by the way, and, well, Downey. White. White people. Oh, Downey.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. Let's say you stopped your average person in Irvine, your average white dude in Irvine, and you said, what do you think of the Mexicans? Like, 1 to 10, 10 being best? What do you think? Give me a number. And then you stopped your average person in Manhattan and you said to them, puerto Rican, what do you think? 1 to 10? Give me a rating. Who would rate higher?

[Alana Ubach]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Or lower? Maybe they know what I mean.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. You must know my maid. You know, I mean, I don't know. I've been mistaken for maid.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there disdain for Puerto Ricans on the east coast or. They just looked at. That's a guy mows your lawn.

[Alana Ubach]

No, actually, we're kind of. The Puerto Ricans are. Puerto Ricans and Cubans are considered, you know, we're at the. At the highest pinnacle of the. Of the, you know, of the Pyramid

[Adam Carolla]

of respect, and I think the Latin pyramid of Respect.

[Alana Ubach]

Then come the, you know, it's the Guanos, Puerto Ricanos, Mexicanos, but the Guatemalans and Nicaraguans and Salvadorians. Don't you dare tell a Mexican he is Salvadorian and Nicaragua, he will cut your balls off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It's always. It's always, always funny.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because my nanny's Guatemalan. And whenever I go, listen, whatever, we're not in Mexico, she's like, I don't love Mexico.

[Alana Ubach]

And I'm like, okay, everyone's Mexican to anyone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. So. So there's a. Because I've asked her, who are your Polacks?

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, that's a great, great, great.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, as a Puerto Rican, who are your Polacks? It's not Polish people. You gotta have Pollock. You know, how many Guatemalans does it take? You know, do you hear about the Guatemalan terrorists who tried to blow up the bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

[Alana Ubach]

No, my people, to society, standards are the lowest form. So I'd say like armadillos or like.

[Adam Carolla]

Those your Pollocks?

[Alana Ubach]

Those are our Polocs. How many squirrels?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's your dad.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then your mom is My mom is Mexican.

[Alana Ubach]

She's from Sinaloa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you got a lot of Latin in you.

[Alana Ubach]

I do, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

But how'd you. How'd you become so sort of Anglicized?

[Alana Ubach]

Well, I was born. I was raised in Downey, California.

[Adam Carolla]

Downey?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. I grew up in a mansion overlooking the freeway. It was awesome. We used to play, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

When we used to play Downey in football.

[Alana Ubach]

You did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, when I played Pop Warner football, they'd always go, don't worry about Downy. They're soft and white. That was always the big joke.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, that was back in the 80s. That was back in the early 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about more of the mid late 70s.

[Alana Ubach]

It was actually considered a really cool surf town at one time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But it was good for football because they're soft and white.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

When you work a fabric softener joke into your football team. So you grew up in Downey, and you grew up upper middle class?

[Alana Ubach]

Upper middle class, yeah. My dad was a lithographer. My mom did all of his accounting and bookkeeping and all that kind of stu stuff. That's. That's a very old art form.

[Adam Carolla]

What is a lithography? Like, lithographs?

[Alana Ubach]

What took its place? Computer graphics, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad did okay for himself back then.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, he did great because he did a lot of porn, baby. He did a lot of gay porn. That's where the money is, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Rose. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Ooh.

[Alana Ubach]

Let me tell you something.

[Adam Carolla]

He did a lot of gay porn. Oh. Yeah. So, I mean, he essentially was working on the layouts for the magazines and stuff like that.

[Alana Ubach]

Gay people have money to spend on magazines, and they're very loyal. Let me tell you something. Something.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you exposed to a lot of this?

[Alana Ubach]

I sure as hell was. He had about.

[Adam Carolla]

You think that's part of the problem?

[Alana Ubach]

That could be. I'll tell you one thing. But he did have a magazine called Cuel, which is like, what's wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, gu.

[Alana Ubach]

Which means what's up in bato language? You know, to an essay. Right. Anyway, so it was a little, like, Easy Rider. Easy Rider was our competitor, and we thought, well, if we put the hottest, latest, most popular Latina of this time in the COVID we're gonna get a

[Adam Carolla]

lot easy riders like Lowrider magazine.

[Alana Ubach]

There you go. And guess who was on Guess who my father found in the mist. Like, Latina contest.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[Alana Ubach]

Or.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on. J. Lo. She was on the East Coast.

[Alana Ubach]

Go way back. Prince Days.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Velveeta. What's her name? Velveeta Apollonia. Apollonia.

[Alana Ubach]

I met Patty Catera back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Patty Katerra. I'm sure Prince named her.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, he sure is. Fucked in.

[Adam Carolla]

Got rid of her on her 19th birthday. Yeah. What was her name?

[Alana Ubach]

Patty Catero.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And your dad discovered her?

[Alana Ubach]

Basically, my mom and dad did.

[Adam Carolla]

Must have been nice. After staring at cock all day, I

[Alana Ubach]

was like, I was so sick of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Finally rest from staring at cock no more.

[Alana Ubach]

Now the vajayjay. So he. So they interviewed her and everything she said, she was just like, you know, I'm really excited because, you know, that kind of lilt, that Latin.

[Adam Carolla]

There's your magazine. Oh my God, you guys found it. No way. And that means what? What's happening?

[Alana Ubach]

Que paso? Oh my God, you guys, that was my dad's magazine.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Oh my God. And your dad laid that picture up? Yes.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay, I'll explain. Lithography. Lithography is after the photographer has the negatives, they send it to the lithographer and basically the.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep going.

[Alana Ubach]

Basically, you know, the owner of the publication will say, we want the picture to be on the right, the COVID

[Adam Carolla]

to be on the left.

[Alana Ubach]

But my dad had to do it all by hand. And then he ran it through his scanner. And that's computer graphics now, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That sounds awesome. Now your dad's out of a gig.

[Alana Ubach]

He sure is.

[Adam Carolla]

But back in the day, he was doing all these magazines and a lot of gay porn. And the gay porn, was it like just new dudes or were they doing it to each other?

[Alana Ubach]

No, we're talking. It was, it was, it was stylish with the Advocate, baby. It was the Advocate.

[Adam Carolla]

So what do they do?

[Alana Ubach]

The Advocate is more or less. It's kind of like the Interview magazine, but for gays. It's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

I know the Advocate is, but they're showing new dudes. Oh yeah, I had a nude. I had a gay magazine. See this right here?

[Alana Ubach]

Remember Playgirl? Yeah, he did that.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a cult roundup. And there's a couple things that were funny. You're gay for saying that. One of my buddies gave it to me as a gag, like in high school. But it was kind of a joke, but I couldn't throw it away. Gag gift. But I didn't know what the fuck to do with it. So I just sort of shoved it between this, you know, my mattress, my box razor. I just wish you weren't a liar. Hoping that my dad wouldn't find it one my dad wasn't much of a snooper, so I was worried about it. But if he found it, I'm sure he'd think his son was gay. Not that he'd give a shit, but I didn't know what to do with it. But the thing that was funny about Cult Roundup is it had a bunch of new dudes. Like every page had like four new dudes. And the thing that was funny about it is they wouldn't have full on boners, but, you know, they were chubbed up like they'd worked on themselves a little. It's that thing like if you watch Dancing with the Stars, when the dancer, before he goes out, if you're backstage, you'll see the guy do 10 pushups just to kind of get a little blood flowing in the arms because he's wearing a vest and. Or they'll use that. You'll use that rubber band stretching thing just to get a little.

[Andy Fickman]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll see guys before they go. If a guy's going out on stage with a shirt off or wearing just a vest, he'll be doing. He'll do a couple chin ups just to get. That's the equivalent to that. Just a couple little push ups. Yes. Ball. Brian. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Alana Ubach]

When I was doing a little off

[Adam Carolla]

Broadway, must not have been very important.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. I'd hear stories about like.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Teresa Strasser]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Alana Ubach]

You know, the actors and off Broadway just, you know, kind of rubbing one out halfway blue balls right before they want it. Just to give them some kind of inspiration.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, actually finishing.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh no, not finishing. Just get away, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Midway. Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Because the orgasm is the

[Adam Carolla]

something just to fill out the dance skins just a little bit. Yeah. Well, the thing that was funny about Colt Roundup is it was a bunch of new dudes. Be a guy named Toby wearing cowboy boots with one foot up on a hay bale and a hat, but nothing else. I guess this is natural working environment for the gays. But the thing that was funny is there was one picture of a guy who looked like Dave Coulier and he's just wearing a Hawaiian shirt and puka shells. It's just a chest up, just a headshot. And it's just Clay. His name is Clay. And I remember thinking when I was 17, like, Clay, you think you're so hot, you don't have to show me your cock. Like there was one dude that looked like Dave Coulier, just, yeah, I'm Clay. Yeah. Boys want to see the rest of my cock?

[Alana Ubach]

He was like 3 foot 2 with like a half inch cock.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it was. It was just funny. That one guy, just his headshot in there, like, I don't know. Listen, I ain't gay, but if I'm publishing Cult Roundup, I gotta see some. That's what makes us a gay magazine, by the way. You're seeing a headshot that could be people.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

And the unfortunate thing is that they're covered with plastic so you really don't know what's inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Paul Bryan. I was gonna say it was like the scene in porno's like a box of chocolate showgirls where they're rubbing ice on their nipples, you know? Yeah, yeah, that's right. You know, it was so funny. The guy from Showgirls, we did the. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Alana Ubach]

Which one? The Afro American. The one.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's the guy? Is it Kamaglacha? No, no, I'll straighten this out in one second. We were doing Jimmy and I did the Prima note last week. And when you do the Prima note, you do the, in the Prima note for the feast of San Gennaro. No, that's not the guy. In the feast of the feast of San Gennaro Prima note, we preside over the thing and we do the whole famous Italian American things. And there's a couple funny moments. One is Connie Stevens, who people don't know Greece too, is an Italian American. And she comes up there and we're standing there like we're handing out plaques for great Italian Americans. So Connie Stevens comes out and she did all Love Boat. She was a singer and she talks

[Alana Ubach]

because she sounds like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And she like, she comes in, she grabs the mic, she's like, Jimmy Adam. And all you great Italian folks out, out there. What a lot of people don't know is that my real name is Conchita. You know, it's just Connie or Concetta, you know, Pascoli. Not a widow, whatever real name is. Right. And Conchetta Rosalie. Right, right from Brooklyn. And then so she's standing there and she's like, you don't know how proud I am to be an Italian. You don't know. Every day I wake up and I thank God that I'm Italian. It's great to be amongst other Italians. And again, the pride of my heart. And I'm standing there, the MC part of me just like, shut up, shut up, shut up. But the comedian part of me wants to grab the mic out of her hand and go, why'd you change your last name to Stevenson, bitch? Nobody knows you're Italian. You're so fucking proud you're Italian. You're blond haired, blue eyed chick who's I know from the Ace Hardware commercials. Extra value. Alright, I'm thinking, I'm thinking of someone else. The point is this, if you didn't, if you're so proud of your fucking Italian heritage, why don't you stay with Angoulia or Concetta or whatever? Connie Stevens, I know you did it to get work, but don't wax on about how proud you are of your heritage and change your last name to Stevens. Stevens.

[Alana Ubach]

Stevens.

[Adam Carolla]

That was, that was Samantha from Bewitched. That was her last name. Stevens. There's no less Italian sounding last name than Stevens. And did anyone ever know that? Connie Stevens, I would have dressed you. I would have guessed you had one drop of Italian in her.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Connie Stevens. All right, so that was the other one. Now the other one that was funny is the other guy that we honored Was from Showgirls and he played the heavy. He was like the badass. He was like. He ran the strip club and he was. No, no, he ran the strip club. He was the asshole. He was the real heavies. Like the older heavy guy. There's like Johnny. Robert. Robert Davi. You've seen this dude, Robert?

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, yeah, I've seen him in everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Robert Davi. It's been a hundred movies, but there's just like. If you watch Showgirls, it is the most disgust. Like, it's. It's sort of weird and offensive for like being. For the sake of being offensive. You look at it now, you just think, ah, it's a chick from Saved by the Bell naked. But there's this like, speech where he like pulls her aside. He's like, listen, honey, look, fluff up your nipples before you give a guy lap dance. And look, if he comes on you, don't come to me to wipe it off or something. Get some weird, weird fucking. There's weird language in there about guys. Let them come on you and they'll give you an extra 10 bucks in the champagne room. So anyway, when we're going, like when we're going now, famous Italian American, Robert Dahby. Come on. He's holding the mic and he's talking about how proud he is to be Italian. I'm just picturing the whole come on you speech that he gave on Showgirls, which is a weird. He pulls what's her name aside at some point, give some sort of speech about lap dancing and coming on you. That it's like vile and weird and he's the sleaziest fucking dude in the world. I don't know if you guys can find it. We'll look at it and it'll be again. It does not, not disappoint. All right, I have to give a couple thanks out first. First off, Hotel Del Coronado put us up. Was out in Coronado over the weekend. Was doing the vintage race on the base fleet week at Coronado Spectacular. Big ships in harbor. Not hey, oh, it is good. F16 flying overhead, Cobras out on the track. And they put us up grottos at their beautiful establishment. And geez, that place got some history. Hotel Del Coronado goes back to like the 1870s. I've been there like Charlie Chaplin and all the presents. Spectacular turned it into a whole vacation where the full kids and the family. Our first real family vacation, view of the ocean. Did this whole thing. We made s' mores out on the beach. In front of our own barbecue, like fire pit at night. Spectacular. Yes, hello, my name is Graham Whitest. Graham crackers Whitest activity on the planet. Anyway, Hotel del Cor. Love those guys and thanks for the hospitality. We pull up that Robert Davi thing and I will blow my cookies. Also, want to tell you about our good friends over at GoToMeeting. How does GoToMeeting work? Well, you basically can host. Well, Donnie was telling me about this. I said, how many people can you host on this GoToMeeting? It's about you can get 100 people on the same computer. Like, I want to show you something that's on my screen. And normally I'd have to like email it to you or call you over to my desk or whatever, but you're in Boston and I can hold this meeting from my desk and you guys can all jump in on it. And not only that, but you can do it with your iPad. Now. You can jump in on other meetings. So again, save yourself the money, the travel, the expense, the airports, the cabs, the hotels, and just use GoToMeeting. And we got ourselves a deal. For my listeners, you can try GoToMeeting free 45 days. If you're in business or you work for. As a matter of fact, forget about owning your own business. Bring this one to the boss, save some money for the guy and be a hero. Visit GoToMeeting.com click on the Try it free button, type in my name, Adam, and the promo code. 45 days absolutely free. Go to meeting. That's GoToMeeting. All right, now, where were we? You have some news, by the way.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes, I have. Yeah, I have a hemorrhoid and a bladder infection.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? And so now with the news, Alana Eubot.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, this is. This is very, very sad. This is a down.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd you get your hemorrhoid?

[Alana Ubach]

I got my hemorrhoid just from straining by going poo. It happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Alana Ubach]

Last comic stint.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, more, you know.

[Alana Ubach]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Alana Ubach]

Last comic standing, judge Greg Geraldo hospitalized for overdose. Yeah. Stand up comic Greg Giraldo was hospitalized for an accidental overdose of prescription drug Saturday night. The New York Post reports Comedy Central regular and judge on Last comic standing Geraldo was found unresponsive during a party in his Jersey hotel room after performing

[Adam Carolla]

Smart guy, funny guy.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah. Brilliant. The 44 year old comic, initially in critical condition, according to the Post source, was breathing on his own by Sunday. In addition to his four nights at the club, the recovering alcoholic had been booked to Appear Saturday afternoon at the New York Recovery Rally, billed as an event to celebrate, quote, unquote, recovery from addiction.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always ironic. Yeah, well, we wish him well. He's been a guest on the show. Really funny on those roasts.

[Alana Ubach]

Very cool.

[Adam Carolla]

And, yeah, I'll tell you, man, the road, baby. The worst in all of us. There's really fucking nothing to do but do drugs and beat off.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not in that order.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Even location. Doing a film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just. It's weird, but they say the devil makes work for idle hands and nostrils and veins and everything else. And they just. You're in a town where you don't know anyone and you're in your hotel room, and then there's this combination. There's all the people that went to the show who want to party. Like, there's all the people go, like, hey, man, want some coke? Hey, man, you want to take some shots? Hey, we'll go to your room. There's chicks.

[Alana Ubach]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, it's a World cup holder.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like the soccer tournament.

[Adam Carolla]

World cup holder for the world. Fits every car, holds every cup.

[Alana Ubach]

It has a Carvana logo.

[Adam Carolla]

Carvana made it. They buy and sell cars, so they made a car cup holder. So. Got any good cups lately? I used to.

[Alana Ubach]

Just couldn't figure out where in the world to put them.

[Adam Carolla]

The World Cup Holder, brought to you by Carvana. Proud sponsors of the World cup holder, sign up today to win [e-mail] not authorized or endorsed by FIFA. Not a real product for parody and fair use purposes only.

[Alana Ubach]

They're not funny. They're a little dorky.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But locals, you're lonely and you're on the road.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad.

[Alana Ubach]

It is. It is. It is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I hope. Hope he recovers.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm guessing he didn't attend the meeting. Then the following. How do they explain that to the. All the young people that are struggling with their sobriety?

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, hell, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Geraldo got in a horrible car accident. You know what I mean? Like, what. What would you say? Would you just tell them the truth? Like, hey, this is what happens. Like, it's close to home, dude. Telling the truth. Telling the truth.

[Alana Ubach]

I guess so. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or.

[Alana Ubach]

Or a really great line, you know? Yeah, he got a better gig.

[Adam Carolla]

Scared straight.

[Alana Ubach]

He. Yeah, all right. Yeah, he overslept.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Alana Ubach]

He really did oversleep.

[Teresa Strasser]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost.

[Alana Ubach]

Almost forever, but it's weird. What's up with standups and addiction, I mean, what came first? Like, is it the, the receiving of laughs high or the low of the heckle? I mean, what comes from what comes first? The standup or, or the high? What, what do you, you know, people, they're like, alana, do stand up. I hate the lifestyle. I can't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're, you're okay.

[Alana Ubach]

I, I'd be the biggest drug addict in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Never thought about this really. But there's, there's, I think there's, there's two types of brains that benefit from drugs. And we can, we can try to examine this. The low end of the spectrum and the high end of the spectrum are the ones that kind of need the drugs. The in betweeners, I don't feel they just never, I never felt like they needed the drugs. The kind of just, you know, he's a B minus student. You know, he gets a little drunk on the weekend, but never really had an issue.

[Alana Ubach]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's kind of, you sort of, you're sort of meth head, dirt head guys. And then there's the guys whose own brain almost becomes a weapon. And it essentially, and this is what I think what happens with stand up. With stand up. Your brain becomes your weapon and your cash register and your vehicle and it becomes your everything. And your brain is constantly in motion, has trouble shutting down, realizes that it generates everything, that your entire livelihood is generated from this thing the size of a fucking sheep's heart that resides inside your skull. And sometimes it's tough to tell it to take a vacation. If you, you know, when I worked for a living swinging a hammer and I was on roofs and I was working all day. I think we have the scene from don't show it yet, but I think we have the scene from Showgirl. When I worked doing real work for a living. Then when I got home, I was done with that work. I wasn't on anyone's roof, I wasn't scraping anything. I didn't have any tools in my hands. I was physically tired and all I wanted to do was crack a beer and watch some football and think about nothing.

[Alana Ubach]

You were Steve Martin.

[Adam Carolla]

As a comedian, I find myself with little pieces of scratch paper and pads and writing on, you know, little post its and I'm driving with my wife. Do you got your camera? Where's your camera? I don't know. Take a picture of that. I got to talk about it. I was taking pictures of shit in the hotel room that I wanted to talk about in the act. You can't shut your brain off. Although here's how you can shut your brain off. You can do a bunch of drugs, you can drown it in booze, or you can put a gun in your mouth. Those are the ways to shut your brain off. So those guys do the drugs, the super dumb guys. Brain never starts up and I think it's a way to kick start their brain. The folks in the middle, they just

[Alana Ubach]

kind of weekend warriors.

[Adam Carolla]

The drugs are kind of almost like their income. It's like, eh, they're never rich, they're never poor. They just do it a little bit and that's all right. All right. This is, I think the great Robert Daving. This is a speech. I don't. I know he's been a million movies. This is all I was thinking when I was standing on stage with him Thursday night behind Kimmel's theater.

[Alana Ubach]

String consciousness.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever done a lap dash before? No. Gotta talk him into it. Eh? 50 bucks a pop, you take them in the back, touch and go. They touch, they go. You can touch them, they cannot touch you.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Now if they come, it's okay. They take it out, come all over you. Call a bouncer. Unless he gives you a big tip. If he gives you a big tip, it's okay. You got that?

[Alana Ubach]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a great Italian American, ladies and gentlemen. Look, they come all over you.

[Alana Ubach]

That's beautiful.

[Andy Fickman]

Where the.

[Teresa Strasser]

With you?

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, I. I was having my period.

[Teresa Strasser]

Al, you don't want me to get

[Adam Carolla]

blood all over the place.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. You're in real time. Your kid, he's a great attendant.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just threw up in my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

You give me a blow job. Now he's talking about get you used to the money. Then I make you swallow. Oh my God. That's all I'm thinking about.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is he serious?

[Adam Carolla]

He's a great Italian American. He's really the Tommy Lassorte of guys who talk about coming on people.

[Alana Ubach]

No, no. James Joyce.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen, seriously, I want to hear that all the way through again. First off, I was mistaken. He was talking to the first chick who's first night. Not the main chick, the glorified accident. So I got her about let him come on you.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he went to the other chick. She's talking about her period. Is this Esther House who wrote this fucking movie?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How fucked up is that guy? Just listen to this.

[Andy Fickman]

This is.

[Adam Carolla]

This is two minutes, all right? Turn it up. No, gotta talk him into it. Hey, 50 bucks a pop, you take them in the Back, touch and go. They touch, they go. You can touch them. They cannot touch you.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Now if they come, it's okay. They take it out. Come all over you call a bouncer. Unless he gives you a big tip. If he gives you a big tip, it's okay. You got that?

[Alana Ubach]

Look at the extras playing with a banana in the background.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, that's the first. Shit, Joe. Ester house is fucked up. Where the fuck were you last night?

[Alana Ubach]

I was having my period.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, you don't want me to get

[Adam Carolla]

blood all over the place, do you? Getting real tired of your shit, kid. If you want to last longer than a week, you give me a blow job. First I get you used to the money. Then I make you swallow. Same speech Corolla gives all of us.

[Alana Ubach]

We start.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is he serious?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's a great Italian American.

[Alana Ubach]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

So while Connie Stevens was up on stage and I was thinking, why the fuck did you change your last name to Stevens? All I could hear is his cum speech.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, literally, in that 86 seconds we had come. Come all over you. Swallow. Blow job in period blood. Stripper talk. And that was just one little slice of the movie.

[Alana Ubach]

One and a half minutes. How many minutes was that? What?

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck is wrong with Joe? Is it Joel? Joe? That's a terrible film.

[Alana Ubach]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's terrible.

[Alana Ubach]

But he made his fortune, man.

[Adam Carolla]

He's fucking twisted, right?

[Alana Ubach]

People like that kind of talk. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they. They liked it because it sucked.

[Alana Ubach]

I was having my period, Al. You don't want me to get blood all over the place. Having my period.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at him coming again.

[Alana Ubach]

What is it with really beautiful girls?

[Adam Carolla]

You want to suck my cock or you want to have period? You know what? How about you use your tampon to write piggies on the mirror like Charles Manson?

[Alana Ubach]

I have a yeast infection, Al.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna draw a pentagram with cum on this sheet out of the way,

[Alana Ubach]

you know? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

It's really interesting, the delivery of, like, a really beautiful woman on screen. Why do they always talk like this?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Because they're dumb. I think they're dumb and they're thinking while they're talking.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're thinking about their lines and that affects their speech.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay, got it.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's just me.

[Alana Ubach]

But it's always this. It's always like this. Hi. You wouldn't want to get my period out.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, you want some cum?

[Alana Ubach]

Nah.

[Adam Carolla]

You look dehydrated. You look like you're a couple quarts low on cum.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, you'd like to know I was sucking dirty cock five minutes ago in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you drinking that Diet Coke when you can be drinking a diet cumming?

[Alana Ubach]

If it's as acidic as this with phenylectoneurics, I'll take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah, let me clear that hemorrhoid up. I got some salve for it.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, my God, it's gone. Your attention just shrunk it.

[Adam Carolla]

This has been a wonderful. You're so twisted. All right, give one more news story and then we're gonna bring in Larry Moore.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay, this is really ironic. Sally Menke, Tarantino's editor, found dead on a hiking trail. Sally Menke, the editor of director Quentin Tarantino's films, was found dead along a Los Angeles hiking trail early Tuesday. Police discovered Menke's body in Griffith park, not too far away from here, right after a late night search using bloodhounds and a helicopter. A Police spokeswoman said Menke, 57, was apparently hiking with a friend on the hottest day ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Recording is literally the hottest day. It was for. People don't know the sort of topography. The valley gets hot and the west valley gets hot. On occasion. It'll get over 110, 111, 112. And then it works like this. The city is 10 degrees cooler normally downtown, you know, if it's 98 downtown, it's 111 in Chatsworth in the valley. That's how it works. It was 113 degrees in downtown yesterday. And that is freakish. And it's so freakish. It's the hottest day ever on record.

[Alana Ubach]

The ceilings were melting.

[Adam Carolla]

It was unbelievable. Sorry. So she went for a hike on the hottest day ever.

[Alana Ubach]

They accidentally. They got separated and she was waiting for her at the end of the trail.

[Adam Carolla]

Who got separated?

[Alana Ubach]

Her friend Nenki became separated from her friend. Friend who was walking a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

And imagine what Tarantino's hair would look like after putting in five miles on that horse trail.

[Alana Ubach]

Does he have hair still?

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever, whatever. Something strange.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows?

[Adam Carolla]

Got separated.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, they were saying he may not have been the only factor.

[Adam Carolla]

It never is.

[Alana Ubach]

So Manky edited Tarantino's biggest movies, including last year's Inglourious Basterds, for which she was nominated for an Academy Award. So she also was nominated for an Oscar for editing Tarantino's 1995 film Pulp Fiction. She also, before working with Tarantino, menke edited the 1990 film Teenage Mutant Ninja.

[Andy Fickman]

Turtles

[Adam Carolla]

never be able to enjoy that film again. Please tell me she did showgirls in that pivotal scene.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, I, you know, yeah, yeah. She cut that monologue in half.

[Adam Carolla]

So she got separated, but what? Separated?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Volcano went off or. I mean, like, couldn't she just get. She's heat stroke.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? I don't know. I. I'm afraid to make a sarcastic comment.

[Adam Carolla]

So they found her that night?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just keels over.

[Alana Ubach]

They just found her. They found her through bloodhounds and helicopters.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this to all the folks. Let's. Let's turn this into lemonade for a second. I see people on some of the fucking hottest days of summer at high noon, two in the afternoon when the sun is directly overhead, just fucking chugging along the trail, riding that mountain bike, jogging. Like it's somehow they look, they say, you know, make hay while the sun shines, but don't ride your mountain bike while the sun shines when it's 113 degrees. Like fucking do it at 6am or 6pm but don't do it. And it the height of the heat. Yes. Bald Bryant. I swear to God, 75% of the people, I'm not exaggerating, I saw on the streets walking around yesterday wearing jeans. Yeah. And yet Hunter, 113 degrees there. They're literally people that won't rock a pair of shorts. And if they jog every day at noon during the winter, they'll jog every day at noon in the middle of the dog days of summer. And it's weird. It's like fucking factor it in people.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, sad love and I'll be curious to see the next Tarantino film and go, yeah. Wonder if it's any different. She was a great editor. She had to be with us Tarantino films. That stuff was unbelievable. The Kill Bill movies were really well edited. If you're like a film nerd. Yeah. All right, well, sad. She'll be missed. Shall we bring out one of the greats in Hollywood who's still alive? There's more news with Alana Eubock coming up. Yeah, Larry Miller in here.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, hi, guys.

[Andy Fickman]

You know what? I have to start by telling you something. Alana and I are friends, by the way. We'll talk about in a second. We're old friends, but I am so mad now. And I always come in here in a good mood as I think, you know, I always come in here ready to have fun, ready to.

[Adam Carolla]

To make fun, Murph.

[Andy Fickman]

And I'm. I'm so Steamed. Now, I can't tell you why I was up for that Robert Davi part in Showgirl.

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Andy Fickman]

And I had just gotten over the hurt, even after all these years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andy Fickman]

Because it was down to him and me.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Andy Fickman]

And they, they made up some baloney, some excuse because I put it in my speech pattern.

[Adam Carolla]

I put it in.

[Andy Fickman]

Sure. I wrote it in my words.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. You made it your own. Exactly. That's what they tell you.

[Andy Fickman]

Alana understands.

[Alana Ubach]

I tried out, actually, for her best friend and they said I was too short.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know the funny part? I'll get. Really? Didn't say. And ugly.

[Alana Ubach]

No, she was too short and unattractive. So.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you're not going that way. That's not what they said, I swear. They said, by the way, that scene

[Andy Fickman]

when the, he goes up to the, when the owner of the club goes up to the new girl. So I put it in my own words.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's hear it.

[Andy Fickman]

I said, now, by the way, if one of the customers evacuates.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, that's. Sure.

[Andy Fickman]

And I could see people starting to shake their heads. I said, yeah, right. Has an emission, not a nocturnal emission. Then I shuffled it a little bit

[Adam Carolla]

and I said, I, I think we

[Andy Fickman]

all know the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

I said at that, at that point, it depends on strictly the remuneration.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So if that's a lot. Yeah, you should, you should. And they said to me, you know,

[Andy Fickman]

Larry, frankly, it's not the kind of character you're looking for. Looking for a more streetwise, rough and ready guy. And I said, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

Fine then.

[Andy Fickman]

That's just fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. You should lease it, but not make it your own. But let me say this. I know first off, everything you do, whenever you audition, every casting director is the opposite sex of whoever the part is meant for. So, you know, Robert Davi went in and ran lines with a 46 year old gay guy saying, listen, sweetie, maybe you don't know how it works around here, but your first day you blow me. Second day I come on you. Then you pull it out and you mop it up with one of those swifters, all right? And I guarantee he's, he's, he's running these lines with the guy who's in Modern Family, the fat gay guy. I guarantee that's what the guy looks like. There's something insane about this town where they will not give you the fucking right sex to run your fucking. To audition with. It's every, every single time when I was doing these sitcoms, they have a Haunchy Dr. Jewish woman who's playing the wise cracking teenage son and is like, listen, mister, I don't wash your mouth out with soap. Except for it's a she and she's in her 40s. Why don't they ever factor that in?

[Andy Fickman]

But with really nice nails.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would love to just see a. And they always put up the little camera, the video camera. I'd love to see all the guys who auditioned for that role. And I like to see all the gay casting agents they were speaking to, talking about you. You know, how the game is played, sister.

[Andy Fickman]

And by the way, I was kidding about that, obviously. I know Robert Darby's great, but it's a. Yeah, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an aggressively bad movie. Yes.

[Andy Fickman]

It's. It's. It's not even. As we all know, there's that level you can reach of brilliantly bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

Like the Ed woods movies or some things where you watch it. It becomes wonderful because it's so bad. But that's just right up to the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Wonderful, but it doesn't go into Joe Astor House. Has to be insane. Well, you know, what does he think it's good? I think that's my question.

[Andy Fickman]

I think I remember seeing something on the. On the news or some show five, six months ago that he had had an awakening. He was really involved with either drugs or something, but he really got himself together. And that whole period was a little weird for him, but he seemed like

[Adam Carolla]

a really straightened out. And as a matter of fact, I saw an episode actually that he wrote of all things of Dora the Explorer when he was asking if Dora could take.

[Andy Fickman]

So he's really got it together.

[Adam Carolla]

So listen. Yeah. When Swiper was asking Dora if she swallowed cum.

[Alana Ubach]

Swallow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Come.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you got to get out of the way because the cum's gonna be flying. It's very funny that every part in

[Andy Fickman]

every movie has that same scene in it. Well, Joe, you don't understand. We're just trying to. Just trying to tell this story. No, it's the White House, Joe. It's the Oval Office.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it'll work there too. Joe, this is a musical. All right? What rhymes with commie bomb? Dumb. No, no, Joe, you know, it just. All right, Larry. We're here for very. The very serious business of the hypothetical question. And this is. This is the ride from the Santa Monica Pier to Epcot center in Florida.

[Andy Fickman]

I feel good tonight, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

You feel lucky?

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Feeling strong? Yeah. Came in with an edge and confident.

[Andy Fickman]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

And remember, they're no losers.

[Andy Fickman]

Well, that's why I like the game. Because I like the game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

And sometimes I haven't done well, but I have. I always hope springs are new.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's the best eternal. Put that in your background. Okay, so the game. We're there. Wrong answers. A lot of. A lot of your little good luck charm. Are you ready to play?

[Andy Fickman]

Oh, yeah, I really am. I feel good this time.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, number one. Chain smoking 60 year old diner waitress or actor? Actor. I specify actor from a telenovela.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I would always go.

[Andy Fickman]

Always. This. This one's easy. It's good to start off on an easy one, by the way, like this. This one's easy because I would always go with the 60 year old diner waitress because even though she's chain smoking, that's fine. I can start again and quit on the long trip. And then she would have really interested stories, though, about some of the people she's met. But an actor on a telenovela would always appear to me to other cars as they're driving by as if he's about to strangle me because he would

[Adam Carolla]

have such a direct, fiery look.

[Andy Fickman]

So I would always go. Always go cross country with the waitress, never with the Spanish accent.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so that's wrong. God, what could he mean? You know why I was giving my opinion? She's good. There are no wrong answers. I'll tell you why. She's. She's gonna have a very jealous boyfriend. All right? And that boyfriend's gonna be a long haul trucker. And he's gonna get on the blower and it's gonna be the sandman calling the snowman looking out for Miller Large Marge with a cock on the way to Florida. And he's gonna think you're two timing. She's two timing him. And you guys are, you know, with you. And next thing you know, an 18 wheeler's gonna run you right off the road.

[Andy Fickman]

Right. By the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

We happen to be in this surreal world in the car in the first place.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Andy Fickman]

That's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, but.

[Andy Fickman]

And so they put me in the rocking chair. What was that thing?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. Oh, for what? All right. Should we keep rolling? I thought I was all right, but.

[Andy Fickman]

Okay, let's just go on. Let's just go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Local small market television weatherman who thinks he's funny. Or the guy. And I want to strangle this guy. When you tell him you just ate barbecue. Always tells you that he knows a barbecue place. That's much better. Here's how it works every time. Where'd you eat? Did you ate bar? You had barbecue.

[Andy Fickman]

Terrific barbecue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I really loved it.

[Andy Fickman]

This place called Phil's just outside of Memphis.

[Adam Carolla]

Outside of Memphis?

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, yeah. Ever been to Ribs USA in Kansas City? That bit awesome. Awesome, awesome ribs? Well, yeah, but no, no, you have not eaten rib. Trust me. You've not tried brisket. Trust me. It feels good. It's fine. I've been always been to the place you've been, Terry. Good. It's okay. It's okay. You've never been to brisket? I thought it was very good. Not been to. You gotta go outside. Do you like brisket? I like it. Obviously. You just ate a rib. You like ribs? You like beef ribs, you like short ribs, then you haven't tried them yet. You're gonna Ribs USA outside of Kansas City, right off of the interstate. Nah. And by the way, you're still belching up your rib, but you've completely ruined your fucking dining experience because this fucking one upper is explained to you that there's a place that's, by the way, 2,000 miles away from where we are right now. Much better. And I like the idea that he asked too. Sure. Because you've been. Have you been to Connie's place outside of Wilmington? One time. I just want to go. Yes, you dick. I managed it for four years. Still, though, by the way. Still. That said that guy. All that said, or the weatherman.

[Andy Fickman]

All that said. Watch how I play this one now. I would still always, and with great ease, go cross country with him with the barbecue guy. As opposed to the local weatherman who thinks he's funny because I can't take someone who thinks he's funny and isn't. So I would always go with the barbecue guy, never with the local weatherman.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, that's wrong. What do you mean wrong? You guys are just whipping. No, what are you talking about?

[Alana Ubach]

No, you guys are just.

[Adam Carolla]

He's wrong.

[Alana Ubach]

That's not wrong.

[Andy Fickman]

I'm wrong again.

[Adam Carolla]

The barbecue guy, you're constantly eating fast food. He's constantly critiquing. Oh, he gets a Hawaiian burger from Carl's Jr. He has to start picking things off it and critiquing. He's critiquing. What you're eating, you can't get. Plus, he wants to get off route, too. He wants to swing by Kansas City and get some real barbecue. He's. Ah, it's a couple hundred miles the other direction. No, no, no, the weather guy. Also the weather guy can Pull some tail. He's a good looking guy. He's got the perma. Tail.

[Alana Ubach]

You didn't say that, man.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, well, I guess I hadn't thought of that yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Oh, for Tail. Let's keep moving. Let's just keep moving.

[Andy Fickman]

All right. Okay. Come on. Let's go. Let's just go.

[Alana Ubach]

Stop messing with him, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'll punch you.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the last one. Female bodybuilder. Female bodybuilder or this guy. The guy's a close cousin to the barbecue guy. He can tell whatever it is you buy. I don't care if it's a durable good or a fucking box of Kleenex. He'll tell you the place. You could have got it cheaper. Sometimes it's online now. There's a new online version of this guy. Where'd you get your flat screen? I got over at the Good Guy. So. Really? You ever go online and go to. Oh, they match all the prices. What do you got? What'd you get? The Panasonic?

[Andy Fickman]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

42 inches. What would you pay for 1800? 1800?

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was good about three. Could have bought three. If you're gone to. If you go to Best Buy Online. You go to Best Buy Online.

[Andy Fickman]

Well, I didn't know that you go

[Adam Carolla]

online at Best Buy. Oh, yeah. Could have got three. Why do you always bring this consumer. I just checked Consumer's Digester and the one they have actually has more stars. It's the LG gets five stars, yours gets four. Yeah. No matter what you buy. Kodagachi. If it's a car. If it's. He knows a guy at the dealership. If it's a washing machine. Could have went down to the Sears outlet store in Tustin and got it for you for half price. Whoever. That guy. That guy versus the female bodybuilder.

[Andy Fickman]

Okay, first, this one. This one. Watch this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna be right on this one.

[Andy Fickman]

Okay. Always go with the female bodybuilder. Never with that guy. Because first of all, it's too annoying. It's too constant.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a drone.

[Andy Fickman]

I'm actually very attracted to many different kinds of women. And a nice, solid, firm someone who can tell me about her training and would let me feel the arms or actually always points with that bodybuilder.

[Adam Carolla]

Point.

[Andy Fickman]

And so I would always. I would always go with her cross country and never with the guy who was always annoying me by having things cheaper. Oh, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so sorry about that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you know why she's got a body image problem again. You can't eat certain food. She's constantly making this protein shakes for us to shake it in. Her own shaker thing that makes her very gassy. She's measuring things out every 15 minutes. She wants to know if you find her attractive. And then she's telling you some horrible story of abuse in her past that caused her to have this body dysmorphic disorder. It's really sad. Sad, Larry. I'm sorry. Over three.

[Andy Fickman]

Can we.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a plug that way. Can we. Give me a plug, Larry?

[Andy Fickman]

Okay, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to.

[Andy Fickman]

Just put the. Very funny. That's the plug on Ace Broadcasting network, which is Adams network. I have the show that I've just been doing under their banner that's going great is called this week with Larry Miller. And it's available on itunes. Download it for free. And there's the website LarryMillerHumor.com and just

[Adam Carolla]

to show you, Larry, that the game is not rigged, Alana, very quickly, I'll do a classic one. Classic one that you haven't heard before. Divorce attorney or hypnotist? The party hypnotist guy. The guy who's working the party or the slimy divorce attorney? Which one would you write? This is for you, Alana.

[Andy Fickman]

Wait, wait.

[Alana Ubach]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Just quickly. Divorce attorney or party hypnotist? Just toss one out just to show the game's not rigged.

[Alana Ubach]

Divorce attorney.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So it's possible. Obviously it's possible. If you had chosen divorce attorney when we'd done, it might have been a to way or two. Larry, sorry to see you go again with your head hanging low, but what you gonna do? Better luck next time you play. Hypothetical road trip.

[Andy Fickman]

Well, it's still. It's. It's. It's nice to be asked to play.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry millerhumor.com everybody. There you go. Great to see you, buddy. Took a lot of guts showing your face around here. All right, I want to. While we're bringing in our next guest, I want to talk about our good friends over at St. Stitcher. We'll be doing our extra content for them. Larry, always a pleasure. It's. It's an app. You download it, you do it for free. You go to stitcher.comworks on your iPhone, your BlackBerry, your Android, and your [e-mail]. no more downloading or syncing this show or using up space. Great. See you, Andy Fickman. Just go to stitcher.com and it's the only way to hear our extra content. And by the way, you're gonna win yourself a trip out here to LA to watch us do our show live and in person. But you can only find out all the rules and the code words and the secret words if you go to stitcher.com Andy Fickman. Good to see you, my brother.

[Andy Fickman]

Always a pleasure to be here. Last time I was here, we were in the other room.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right.

[Andy Fickman]

We were, like, in the, like, the serial killer, like, box back there.

[Adam Carolla]

Onward and upward. Andy is done a lot of big movies. Worked with Dwayne the Rock. Johnson is, by the way, just Dwayne Johnson pretty much these days. Just Dwayne Johnson, and is now doing the new movie, you Again, which is the one you're seeing all over the place with Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Gorny Weaver, Victor Garber. Victor Garber's in this. And of course, Betty White. And we were talking last time you were in here when I think we're talking about Escape to which mountain? Or whatever. Whatever Disney movie.

[Andy Fickman]

Race to which Mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Race to which mountain? Sorry, I'm old school. Old school about being just sort of kind of a Disney under the Disney banner.

[Andy Fickman]

I'm owned. Like, being owned by Disney is you

[Adam Carolla]

again, a Disney film.

[Andy Fickman]

You again is a Disney.

[Adam Carolla]

Touchstone film is Touchstone is Disney or Disney is Touchstone, is it?

[Andy Fickman]

Basically it, yeah. I think Touchstone's a division vision of Disney when they want to do, like, romantic comedies or a little bit more adult fare that's really sexy.

[Adam Carolla]

And you. We should get Robert Davy to star in your next Disney.

[Andy Fickman]

By the way, the most disturbing thing that I had seen in a year was walking in and watching Robert Davy

[Adam Carolla]

hit on that girl. Yes, I know.

[Andy Fickman]

Especially because I kept thinking, like, if Robert Davi was giving me the job option, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And your story's an interesting one. You came out here, you know, everyone wants an angle in. In this town, this business. And, you know, whether you're a comedian or your director, your writer, whatever you are, everyone wants to know, like, what do I do? What do I do? How do I do this? What do I do? What's a trick? Who do you know? Who do I talk to? Who do I call? And it's like saying, what do I do to become a bodybuilder? It's like, dude, stop eating fudge, start eating chicken breasts and hit the gym. And it's like, yeah, but how do you do. But what do you do? It's like, there's no trick. You were out in bum fuck. Whatever.

[Andy Fickman]

West Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

West Texas. Did you go Texas Tech.

[Andy Fickman]

Texas Tech.

[Adam Carolla]

And you majored in what?

[Andy Fickman]

Advertising and pr. They had no film program. They had no real theater. I think there probably was a theater program.

[Adam Carolla]

Andy was like, is there a theater? Is there films for fags? The closest we got to that kind of faggotry is called advertising.

[Andy Fickman]

But in advertising.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute. Showing on a water tower, shooting. Hold on.

[Andy Fickman]

Advertising, where, you know, you spent. The closest thing to filmmaking was like, I think we got to work on a commercial for Bud's chicken, which was like a local chicken shack there. And I spent weeks upon weeks upon months store boarding what Bud would want for his chicken. And I went in there and I brought in a team, and, kid you not. I. I had worked out a fairly elaborate story, and Bud said to me, just shoot the chicken, damn it. That was the commercial. That was my big break.

[Adam Carolla]

So you got to do Bud's chicken.

[Andy Fickman]

I got to do Buzz chicken. I still feel like he made a mistake. My storyline was a lot stronger than what he went with, but I'll accept it.

[Adam Carolla]

And you came. Last time I interviewed you, I think we spoke about you coming out here and you either being assistant or a PA or just basically just running. Just being a gopher, essentially.

[Andy Fickman]

I was a tour guide at Universal Studios, and then I went in the mail room at a talent agency called Triad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

And I worked my way up from that while I was starting a theater company. And I started a theater company with one of Alana's friends, Andrew Schaefer. He was my. Schaefer Crazy Shaffer. He was my partner. We started a theater company, had no money, borrowed everything, and were literally stealing pencils from the. The mail room at night so we could have a theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Mail room's name for gay Bart, by the way. It wasn't. It wasn't where he started over at William Morris area.

[Andy Fickman]

Oh, yeah. Just to clarify, that was the. That was the mail room.

[Adam Carolla]

He was working the mail room. Yeah, Work the mail. Smart doctor.

[Andy Fickman]

Push the. Push the car. Push the car.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

Shuffle it, Shuffle it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Listen, we don't do it unless you put on a manila envelope. Buddy.

[Andy Fickman]

Lick the. The stand. You don't need a machine.

[Adam Carolla]

So you start off literally in the mail room.

[Andy Fickman]

Literally. Like, it could not have been more. Out of some, like, fabulous Teddy Z. I was in the mail room with a tie and people who were like, lawyers and dog doctors and dancers. Male dancers. A lot of male dancers in the mail room.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And start your own theater Company for what reason?

[Andy Fickman]

I just wanted to meet more guys that I wasn't meeting in the mail it up glitter bomb. Now, you see, I started a theater

[Adam Carolla]

company because out here in Los Angeles,

[Andy Fickman]

out in la, because I wanted to be a director, but I didn't have. Nobody wanted to see my Bud's Chicken commercial. And so I didn't have a reel. And I thought, well, if I put on plays, I think everybody in LA loves the theater. They'll all race out and see it and give me a chance.

[Adam Carolla]

And what happened?

[Andy Fickman]

That was about 10 years of a lot of theater. But I was doing development for Bette Midler, doing development for Gene Wilder, and yeah, for a hetero guy, my story is rather unique.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

And then I was working for Robert Davi, dodging cum grenades. I was his. I was his reader. And then. But my play, Reefer Madness took off.

[Alana Ubach]

I saw that rock and roll. Oh, I saw twice, man.

[Andy Fickman]

Nice. But when Reefer Madness took off, that literally was my film school. People saw Reefer Madness. We took it to New York and then Showtime bought it and turned it into a musical. And so I ended up. When people are like, dude, you're doing like 99 seat theater, equity waiver, nobody's good. This is never going to help your career. That one show changed everything for me.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what was your first directing gig or first?

[Andy Fickman]

Well, Reefer Madness, by the time Showtime did it, we ended up opening for Sundance and we helped win the Deauville Film Festival, got an Emmy. And then from there, about three months after Sundance, I was directing Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum, and she's the man.

[Adam Carolla]

And so now what happens is you work for a company, the company likes your work, they want to continue working with you. And so when they get projects that they think would be good for you, then they give you those projects. But then what happens is you start doing the projects that are good for you.

[Andy Fickman]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And now if you're ambitious, just like going from the mailroom, Bald Brian.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

Just like the mailroom wasn't good enough for you. Well, now just doing sort of family friendly comedy. Eventually, yeah. Gonna be good enough for you. And you want to spread out.

[Andy Fickman]

Yes, you start spreading out. You start spreading.

[Adam Carolla]

You have another movie coming out called

[Andy Fickman]

Solstice and developing a project called Solstice that's. Well, you know, I have a first look deal with Disney. So I go to Disney and say, is this something you want? Solstice is a hardcore sort of paranormal thriller.

[Adam Carolla]

Hardcore, hardcore locker room. And so for you, it's going to be a chance to spread out.

[Andy Fickman]

Wait, is that a music cue?

[Adam Carolla]

Mailroom. Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

Two buck Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

So for you.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, but like, I'm doing a. Just recently I signed on with Anna Faris over at Universal. We're going to do a movie called tmi, which is an R rated comedy and very much different from the other stuff that I've done.

[Adam Carolla]

She's great. She's the best.

[Alana Ubach]

Like this. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the best comedic actress out there. You think so? She's fantastic.

[Andy Fickman]

She is.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the best comedic actress aside from

[Alana Ubach]

God forbid, she's the coolest chick in the world.

[Andy Fickman]

She is a cool chick. And I gotta tell you, she is not afraid. Like, the first time we got together, we were talking about wanting to push the limits wherever you can. And rather than hearing the person say, no, I don't want to say, like, she would look at that Robert Davy scene and be like, bring it, bring it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Yeah. So now you're getting to the point where people can come to you with a pitch, with an idea. You go, all right, I got some. Some juice over at Disney. Yeah, get this. Good. We'll talk after the show. Jesus Christ. I gotta make a movie over here. So the movie, by the way, you again, is out now since the show's gonna air tomorrow. Oh, no, wait a minute. It was out Friday.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, we're out, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was just checking. Actually did pretty 10 million bucks under,

[Andy Fickman]

but we, you know, we were made for 19. We had. We had this great exit score. That was what we were wanting to sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Exit score.

[Andy Fickman]

Exit score. So they do this thing, which is they do surveys all over the country on Friday and Saturday night. So as people are coming out, it's the real audience's chance to say, right, A through F. And, you know, we got a B plus coming out of there from across the country. And so that was big news for us. So that gets people to sort of spread the word.

[Adam Carolla]

And is it pretty much. I mean, is the business pretty much just a business? It costs 19 million bucks to make this film, and it's going to make over 19 million bucks. So Andy Fickman will live to fight another day.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, look, I think that there is. I haven't met too many people on the other side of the desk who are all like, I don't care if you're moving. Sucks ass. I don't care if anyone sees it. Let's just go make like they're like business people who want to know that there's a return on the investment. And more importantly, is it a long term. Is that something that's going to have a life on dvd? Is that something that's going to have cable? So, yeah, they're looking at the business and, you know, I guess if you make enough movies that have a good return, it's easier to get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

I think if you do a lot of movies in a row that don't have a return, you just have to work that much harder to get them to give you the money the next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Does international money is good, right?

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's good to take your film and have that film inhabited by people that are recognized outside the United States. Right. So it's the international pool. Yeah. Sometimes when you're doing a Tom Cruise thing, you go, look, even if it's a bit of a flop domestically, it'll make a ton in Japan.

[Andy Fickman]

And a listen, they always have that. They have that list, too. They'll tell you that person who might not actually be so, you know, spot on right now in the United States overseas, it's the old David Hasselhoff thing where they're like, sure, you get that guy. Your movie's golden. But so now you're kind of. You're going back and forth. When we did the game plan with the Rock, they can't sell American football, doesn't have any relationship anywhere overseas. So our poster was the Rock looking like a football player. And they kept telling us, your movie will never work overseas because nobody overseas cares about American football.

[Alana Ubach]

They call it Catch.

[Andy Fickman]

Yes. And they. They reshot the poster to make it look like he was staying in the middle of a soccer field.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Andy Fickman]

And then. And the movie was a huge hit overseas. We didn't change anything, but it was like the poster had to show the Rock on a soccer field. That'll just sucker people in.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they changed the names of movies. Oh, yeah, right.

[Andy Fickman]

Oh, in Israel. My niece called me from Israel when we did she's the Man. She said that the Hebrew translation on the poster was she's got Balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Andy Fickman]

Then she's like, uncle Andy, your movie is called she's got Balls. I'm very embarrassed.

[Adam Carolla]

In Greece, he's called the Cock. He's not even the Rock. They've actually changed the name.

[Andy Fickman]

Well, actually, I will say this. When we were in Germany, Thickman is a direct translation of man who Fucks. That is wow. By the way. By the way, nobody told me this and nobody at Disney told me. And when we were greeted by the Disney reps of Germany, you would assume that they've seen my name a thousand times, that they would know. And so I go for my first morning interview in Berlin. Beautiful. And the guy stops like very serious journalists. And his translation to me is, you know that your name means man who. This then became the question that everyone asked me. So at the end of the day, I go to the Disney rep, and he's like, how did it go? And I'm like, just curious. When did you know my name? He's like, oh, did they bring it up? I'm like, yeah, always. So that night, we had a thousand people at this premiere. Dwayne. And I've now told Dwayne and Carla Gugino that my name means manufacturing. What I hate is they're going to announce my name in front of all the children, and I'll be ridiculed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

As a Jew in Germany. That's hard enough. A lot of them knew about my mailroom dance days, and that was gonna be bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Andy, by the way, translates into power bottom.

[Andy Fickman]

Power bottom, by the way. So there we go. The guy comes up, and I'm the first one announced. They say, andy Fickman. The crowd breaks into thunderous laughter. I walk the longest distance up, literally. Like I should just have a big dick on my head. At which point, Dwayne grabs the mic and, trying to rile up the crowd, spends the next 10 minutes saying anything he can to work my name into a sentence. He's like, ladies and gentlemen, working with Andy Fickman. You all know what Fickman's like. Everybody likes Fickman. Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Then we.

[Andy Fickman]

We had to race to the airport and escape.

[Adam Carolla]

That Dwayne Johnson, a. A class act.

[Andy Fickman]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

As a guy who is, you know.

[Andy Fickman]

Got a last name. Johnson.

[Adam Carolla]

Far more than. That's a good point. Yeah. Wait till we get back to the States.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah. I. I told him the whole time it was not over.

[Adam Carolla]

He has made a nice transition from the wrestling ring into the. The silver screen, and now is at the point where, again, he's not even the Rock. I think may maybe drop the Rock part.

[Andy Fickman]

He is. He's just Dwayne Johnson.

[Adam Carolla]

What's his. You keep in touch with.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, all the time. He is a great, great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

What's great about him?

[Andy Fickman]

Soft lips nailed him. That's the Rock. He's pinned you. You know what? This is what I like about him. This is a guy who. We were traveling. I'm from Texas. We go back to see my family in Houston and on the press tour. Every time you go on the press tour, you know, they take you to some fancy schmancy restaurant where they're going to feed you. And as we're going there, he said, look, I want to go to a. We're going to be in Texas. I want to go to one of your favorite barbecue places. I was like, look, I'm going to warn you, my favorite barbecue place isn't going to be like Morton's with the fire. We went to a place that truly. Lulings in Houston, Texas, they put your meat on just a piece of paper, like a paper towel. There's no plate. They put meat on paper towel, and you carry your paper towel. I don't know what the theory is that we can't afford plates in Texas, but meat on paper towel and sauce and. And I thought for sure Dwayne was going to have just. He was going to.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the place called?

[Andy Fickman]

Lulings.

[Adam Carolla]

Luling.

[Andy Fickman]

Luling's in Houston, Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird. It's talking about barbecue joints and. And. And Dwayne, Dwayne, right in.

[Andy Fickman]

Not only fit right in, ask me all the time, hey, next time we're back there, let's go to Lil. Like, he's that type of guy. And also, here's the other thing. I've never seen a star who. When they're walking through a crowd where everyone's screaming, it's not like you can't see this guy. This guy will stop for every photograph, every autograph. This guy lets. This guy, lets his fans be a part of his world.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I think what a lot. Everyone thinks these guys are prima donnas or whatever, but they don't realize a guy like Dwayne Johnson has such a strong work ethic to get where he is to play, you know, his background in sports, to come from where he comes from to get where he is today. A guy like that cannot do it without a ton of discipline. And guys who have a ton of discipline seem to have a lot of respect for other people for some reason. And I think I'm going to chalk it up to football and athletics. Those guys just. They're used to a. Having a coach, having an authority figure. They're not like, get the fuck out of my face. I'm a foot taller than you, and I could crush you. And how dare you tell me they're used. And they're used to team sports. Like, they're used to going, okay, this is an ensemble. And I guess making a movie in the three or four months it takes to make a movie with the Director being the coach and maybe the stars, the quarterback. And then you have your best friend who's the tight end. And you can keep going with the analogies. It's about as long as a football season. It takes about the same effort. And if you have a really shitty attitude, you're probably not going to win too many games. And he seems to bring that sports mentality to the set. He also goes, never met the man, by the way, but I'm basing it all.

[Andy Fickman]

No, no, no, no. He will go around every night when we rap. That guy will go around and handshake every crew member he will thank. He will remember crew members. He hears somebody's got a family or a birthday or something, that's who he is. But it's the work ethic. Like I said, this is a guy who, you know, his life changed in high school with football. A coach really turned his life around and played, you know, Canadian Football League, got injured in Florida during college football. This is a guy who has been on all the spectrum.

[Adam Carolla]

So funny about pro wrestling is people are like, yeah, I blew out my knee or I hurt my back playing football, so I had to quit playing football and then get into wrestling. Smash cut to them being on top of a turnbuckle with a folding chair. Music, doing a back, doing a backflip, landing on a guy, Guys playing cards with a bull. And it's like you got injured so you had to hang up the cleats and do what? Get in a speedo, get on a turnbuckle and then jump on the announcer's folding table two stories below you. Like, it doesn't seem like when the doctor said, hey man, you got a pinched vertebra or bad disc or something like, your playing days are over. I don't think he meant then to get up on the turnbuckle and drop onto 300 pound disc.

[Andy Fickman]

Three days before we started filming Game Plan, where he played a quarterback on the football field, Gillette Stadium, he snapped his Achilles heel.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard him interviewed. And the Achilles heel is literally the Achilles heel of all athletes. Because guys, just the greatest athletes in the world just go, what happened? Well, I was picking up a bucket of chicken on my way home. I've heard a pop and it's like, what, you just played in four pro balls, you're the greatest outside linebacker. I bent over to pick up some cat shit in my driveway and heard a pop. And it's like doing what?

[Andy Fickman]

We saw the footage from the rehearsal. I was expecting something, a rollout. And he twisted and He. He literally takes two steps, goes up to. And pop.

[Adam Carolla]

What is to stop the Achilles heel from popping. Achilles from popping all the time. Why? Doesn't happen.

[Andy Fickman]

But this is what they say. There's a. There's a perfect alignment that can happen with your foot that when it hits one spot and another spot, that's where

[Adam Carolla]

it snaps and it makes a sound.

[Andy Fickman]

It makes. It makes a pop that you can hear that it literally. And he knew without being diagnosed, he went down and he knew. He heard the pop. He knew it was the.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm sure he played 11 years of football. Never, never that's thing.

[Andy Fickman]

This guy literally, like, this is three days before filming where you're on the football field and everybody's kind of. Nobody's, you know, blitzing you at that like you're the star of the movie. Everyone's just practicing and. Yeah. Shut us down for a couple of months. And that guy wheeled himself back to hell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the warrior mentality. All right, Alana, do you have the rest of the news? Andy, want to hang in?

[Alana Ubach]

I got a confession to make. You know, years ago, I used his name to book a hotel room at the Bellagio for New Year's Eve because everything was booked. So I pretended I was his manager, and I was calling from caa, and they got very. So we got a free room.

[Adam Carolla]

What did you sound like I. Did you do a quick voice?

[Alana Ubach]

Hi, yes, I'm calling on behalf of.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hello, this is the Bellagio.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes, may I speak to the head desk?

[Adam Carolla]

This is he.

[Alana Ubach]

Hi, my name is Alana, and I am actually calling for my client, the Rock, and he would like the Rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

[Alana Ubach]

May I speak to a manager, please?

[Adam Carolla]

He would like to do what with our hotel?

[Alana Ubach]

Well, he would like to book a suite. On New Year's Eve?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, normally we're booked up this time of year, but not for Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

[Alana Ubach]

And he's engaged.

[Adam Carolla]

Achilles up here anytime.

[Alana Ubach]

Free champagne would be. He loves Cristal. Yes. And he loves fruit baskets.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that the name of the Hungry Chocolate? Bring my fruit. At a certain point, don't they want the guy to show up?

[Andy Fickman]

So weren't they looking for the Rock?

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, no. I called up, I walked in, I checked in, pretending I was his manager, like he said.

[Adam Carolla]

They know you for movies?

[Alana Ubach]

No, they didn't know me back then, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

So I. I checked in, and all my friends walked up. We got a free room. Think everyone thought it was the Rock and it was for free.

[Andy Fickman]

Was there a bottle of champagne waiting for sure.

[Alana Ubach]

What now? It wasn't Cristal Pierre Joue, but still,

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, it was a thought.

[Andy Fickman]

Again, I take a little offense. I feel like calling Dwayne and telling them that they didn't send Cristal for. Like, they had downgraded him. What if he had been there? He would have been pissed as.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, we got like. Like a box of dates.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah. He ain't staying in the Bellagio.

[Adam Carolla]

I tried that at the Four Seasons, except for I used Agnes Moorhead.

[Andy Fickman]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was like, you know, I didn't explain she was the mom and Gwendora and Bewitch. Like, I didn't see that show. I'm 23 and I was like, I should have went with the Rock or someone more current. But I thought, Jeffrey Jones, you should have. Yeah, I should have gone with Irene Ryan.

[Andy Fickman]

You could have gone with that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, a little more. Little more. Nine times.

[Alana Ubach]

Nine. Okay, now, speaking of which, you guys, this is uncool. Former. Former Ferris Bueller's Day off star Jeffrey Jones. Nine times. He played.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine times.

[Alana Ubach]

Nine times. Yeah, he played. Principal Rooney pled guilty yesterday to a charge of failing to update his sex offender registration.

[Adam Carolla]

9 times. Renew his registration. Gummy bears. Oh, warm. Yeah. Okay, so you get pulled over. I'm sorry, the tags on your balls are expired, sir.

[Alana Ubach]

I got some gummy bears. Warm, in my pocket. Jones was arrested in 2003.

[Adam Carolla]

Temporary raping license.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Display in your underpants there.

[Alana Ubach]

He pled not guilty to a minor for the purpose of taking sexually explicit photos.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine times.

[Alana Ubach]

As part of his original deal, he was required to register annually as a sex offender, but was arrested last year after failing to do so. As part of his new deal, Jones was sentenced to three years formal probation and must complete 250 hours of community service in a roadside cleanup program.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, can I say this? Why is. Considering la? Here's what we have. There's some disconnect here because we have some of the filthiest roads in the United States. I mean, you just drive around Hollywood and there's fucking weeds and garbage and diapers. Bullshit fucking spread out everywhere. I mean, it's disgusting. LA roadsides are 101. When you go from downtown LA into the Valley, the sides of fucking freeway, it is like the fucking road that Mel Gibson drove down in Mad Max. It's fucking disgusting. Yet every single celebrity is getting a couple hundred hours of roadside cleanup. When is that going to translate as actual roadside? Is it the same fucking Stretch up in Mount P. Streets of Malibu are gorgeous.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? How about we get some of these cocks to clean up some of the trash on the fucking freeway? If that's. If that's their sentence.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Trash on the side of the freeway.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, a lot of my friends have actually just paid off a couple of people to not do those hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Alana Ubach]

They'll get the signed release, turn it in, and that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Alana Ubach]

That's why you see those McDonald's cups on the side?

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when they have to wash the cop car. So you see, like, Robert Downey Jr. If I was a cop, I couldn't help but walk out. Hey, Bobby Jr. You missed a little bird on the windshield.

[Alana Ubach]

Love you, Tough turf.

[Andy Fickman]

Did you really want, like, a bunch of, like, the sex offenders, like, outside, like, sweeping in front of your, like,

[Adam Carolla]

gutter and be like, school bus broken? I'll get to that.

[Andy Fickman]

Hey, kids, time to recycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Listen, here's the thing, too. Is there ever a good story, like, I mean, when the guy, like, goes,

[Alana Ubach]

you gotta read the New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, trust me. I had a lot of child pornography on my computer. But it's because I was researching for. I was doing a musical, great story that took place in Thailand. And I was. It's like, is it ever that the guy doesn't like character study? Is there something there? It's never that, is it? Oh, yeah, actually, Ace, it was with Pete Townsend. Pete Townsend. I forget what he was studying, but he was. That was his excuse. And it was believable because he was working with a organization, was trying to put an end to child pornography. That's why he said it was on. It's exactly what he said. Still, Betty squeezed, went off one of those kids. Nine times nine dead.

[Alana Ubach]

And, you know, I mean, Garfunkel getting pulled over and having marijuana and getting busted for that. He should get bested for not having marijuana.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all right. What's the next story? Do you have.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, yes, I do. I do. Wrong. Winner announced during Aussie Top Model finale.

[Adam Carolla]

Ozzy.

[Alana Ubach]

Aussie, There's a Top Model?

[Adam Carolla]

Those chicks aren't hot enough.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, she's getting too weird.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes, you do. And speaking of Aussie, you. You have got to look up this. This little essay written by a really angry seventh grader on koalas. You have to look it up. Look up on Google. Angry Koala essay. You will crack the smoke. A joint and you will crack the fuck up for at least seven days, I promise. Anyway, okay, so somehow we think Tyra Banks would never let this happen. The finale of Australia's Next Top Model aired live the other night, and boy, was there a huge mistake. State. Unlike the US show, the winner is chosen by votes from the audience. And after much celebration, host Sarah Murdoch announced that a 19 year old named Kelsey had beaten fellow competitor Amanda for the top prize. But after interviewing Kelsey, someone offstage who is being threatened to be killed, informed Sarah that she had been given the wrong name and that Amanda was the real winner. Surprisingly, Kelsey handled the mix up like a champ. And for her professional behavior, producers are giving her 25,000 plus a free trip to New York to meet with a modeling agency.

[Adam Carolla]

How does it. All right, here's what. At least we're. At least we're shipping in some models because we're doing a lot of shipping out models. We export a lot of models. Like every model you talk to is like, oh, I was born in Kentucky, but I moved to France when I was 15 to model. And I always think, hey, why are we kicking our hot chicks out? Could be some 16 year old fucking her in Kentucky, yet we're having some Arab guy banger in France. And by the way, you got in France, you don't have hot chicks. You have a shortage of hot chicks like in Europe. Like, what do you need our hot chicks for? So it's nice to have to steal some hot chicks from Australia. But if you're from Australia, like, you're going to the high school that these chicks are going to, and you're like, hey, Becky's fucking smart. Where's Becky shipped out. What? Who got her? America now? Fucking Matthew McConaughey. Fucking John Marriage. Fucking her. God damn. I was going to ask her to the prom.

[Andy Fickman]

Once we get them, they're never going back.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the whole thing. That's what I ran into when I went to DeKalb, Illinois. About 250 times people brought up the fact that Cindy Crawford was born here. Cindy Crawford. You know about the 1800th person that told me Cindy Crawford was born in DeKalb, I said, where's she now? And she went, what? I said, she was born in DeKalb, but soon as she took a look in the mirror at 14 and a half, she split for New York and now she lives in Malibu. Does she live in DeKalb, Illinois now? No, it's not where you're born, it's where you end up. That's where you need to brag about Malibu. Malibu should be bragging. Hey, guess who lives here? Not who was born here. Because the people that were born there, there's just a sign there, but they're never there. That's totally random. Where you're fucking born.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The stork just dropped their hot chick off into Cal, and soon as she hits her 15th birthday, she was like, I'm fucking out of here. And she, like, she hangs out.

[Andy Fickman]

How many. What I'm curious is how many Top Model franchises are around the world. World. Because a certain point, your country probably doesn't have enough to mount a Top Model franchise.

[Adam Carolla]

Ukraine, right? Like, we could only field six girls.

[Andy Fickman]

There's a lot of, like, women who are big with, like, potato farmers, stout women. Like Australia. I still get the, like, Elle McPherson of it all, but I'll be curious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Some of these.

[Andy Fickman]

Poland's probably got a few.

[Adam Carolla]

Some of these places where the permafrost is on the ground year round.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

With the babushka and the big gut,

[Andy Fickman]

you probably don't see their version of tyranny.

[Adam Carolla]

Nursing a kid the whole time and smoking.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. But I don't know. They're just smart. I was just. I just got back from Stockholm and the women. Everyone looks like fucking Uma Thurman.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Alana Ubach]

I thought I was like a biological.

[Adam Carolla]

In Stockholm?

[Alana Ubach]

Yes. I really.

[Adam Carolla]

What were we doing over there?

[Alana Ubach]

I was there with my boyfriend when we were out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's from.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes, yes, he's from there. Very Nordic. And everyone there was blonde. I mean, people, you know, not one black person and just me, little Mexican. They're about to sacrifice me.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Alana Ubach]

And I split down.

[Adam Carolla]

They were like, oh, fuck. Now we gotta lock the doors.

[Alana Ubach]

Lunch. Lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a Mexican in town. Bird goes around. All right, everyone lock up your doors.

[Alana Ubach]

Make some speech. Meatballs.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll sleep with our doors unlocked. When she hits the. When she gets on that Pan Am fly.

[Alana Ubach]

Y' all would make spicish. Meatballs.

[Andy Fickman]

First of all, the greatest accent ever. Berlitz would like you to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

That is awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Series of cassettes.

[Alana Ubach]

It's taken me a while to perfect it. We've been together for about a year.

[Andy Fickman]

That's awesome. Well, you're off to.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Andy Fickman]

Yes.

[Alana Ubach]

What are you doing? Pallet? I'm in sushi for lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Julie, Is he very European? Does he wear weird frames and weird shoes?

[Alana Ubach]

He used to.

[Adam Carolla]

Glasses.

[Alana Ubach]

But then he met the girl from Downey and I've changed that.

[Andy Fickman]

Does he smoke skinny cigarettes?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Yes, yes. Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

And does he have like small when he drinks his coffee? He really just wants the small, like cup of it.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like somebody said, listen, can you just take all the caffeine out of a 42 ounce Starbucks and put it into a thimble? And I want to piss all day. We're not productive in this country because everyone's just pissing. You're drinking Starbucks and energy drinks all day and it's like where Stan, he's

[Andy Fickman]

pissing little Dixie cup. They get very excited like, and they'll stop and they'll. They can make that Dixie cup last like an hour.

[Alana Ubach]

Everything's kind of whimsical and small.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need a Quaalude the size of a Frisbee. You just need a fucking Quaalude. Right. That's the effect. Right. You want to gnaw on the thing.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Salt licks and Quaalude and it's the same with. It's really. Caffeine's just a drug, you know. Just want to get it in your system.

[Andy Fickman]

I need the quickest way to get it, you know, we want to do.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way. Well, first off, we want to turn the coffee drinking into a ritual where we sit around for an hour and bang out shit on our laptop. And not to mention the stuff dumped all over. Boy, the commuter mug business must really not be in great shape over there in Stockholm. Imagine the commuter mugs size of like little. Yeah, just.

[Andy Fickman]

Just like a thimble.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Andy Fickman]

You could probably just hang it from your phone and it could just dangle and you could just stick your tongue up and just dab it. Like a little dab into your mouth.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, it's like. Like a toilet paper roll.

[Adam Carolla]

So things working out for you and he.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You met his parents?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they judge in Trosa?

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they know you from the movies?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, his dad saw my tits and everything on Hung. He was very proud of his son.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. You got naked on Hung?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, I did. His entire family. His brother Linus and. And what's that?

[Adam Carolla]

I love the crazy names line.

[Andy Fickman]

That's.

[Alana Ubach]

His brother's name is Linus and.

[Adam Carolla]

And Charlie Brown. So did they watch you on Hung?

[Alana Ubach]

They did. They actually. They actually were able to see it. I couldn't believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, did they call it Hung there? Because Hung probably doesn't mean. That means hanging somebody. I think something.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, translation.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, that's a great. That's a great question. It's called Hung. I'M sure. Yeah, everyone speaks English in, in Sweden. It's like Spanish.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they just smarter than we are? Are they better?

[Alana Ubach]

They're a little progressive. I mean, you know, in the first two years of a kid's life, the, you know, in the couple, the, the, the father stays home. He can stay home and get paid while the mother usually goes out and works. It's pretty wild and it's, it's, you know, it's very socialist.

[Adam Carolla]

Side of the freeway doesn't look like our freeways. We're having pedophiles with the nails on the end of a stick picking up garbage.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah, nice. Every father stays home for two years.

[Alana Ubach]

He can. Yeah, absolutely. And still get paid. And he takes a two year leave and then he comes back and everything's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I would do? I'd be like, I'd stay home for the first two years, but about 13, 14 months in, I'd be like, honey, you got to get pregnant again. First off, I got my stories. I'm used to my stories.

[Andy Fickman]

You don't want to get away from your stories.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to get away from my stories. I've settled in, put on about 50 pounds of sympathetic weight and ain't going nowhere. So I don't care if you got to get the fucking gardener to knock you out. You figured out I ain't fucking going anywhere.

[Andy Fickman]

You figured out breastfeeding. You're comfortable with that now?

[Adam Carolla]

It was more the emotional hurdle I had to get over. Forget about the physiological stuff. Emotionally. That's what they don't tell you about is a male breastfeeding. Oh, the way they look when you're at the park and I have this blouse with the thing that pops open and here's the thing, you're just going to have to get knocked up. We'll do the math. 24 months. It's nine month gestation period. So I'm going to need you to get knocked about every 15 months. Use your way. I'm not going.

[Andy Fickman]

They should do a survey and see how many families have like kids that are sort of like a year and a half apart. You just sort of keep going and you realize that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Take a look at the same countries that have like a lot of these progressive countries will have like unemployment where, hey, you can have three, three years of unemployment or four years of unemployment. Magically when you look at the statistics of when people get a job, it's well, four years and then a day before the unemployment mag up found a job. So they're saying, hey, look out. So if your unemployment lasts three weeks, then you find a job in three weeks. If it lasts three years, you find a job in three years. The part where the government doesn't know, that's how human beings work.

[Andy Fickman]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the confusing part. To me, I would. Oh, I'd love to be. I would love to be Mr. Mom.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, it's cool, but it's tough. You know, Honestly, if you are very, very ambitious, it's really hard to get ahead out there because you have to give 50% to the government. So if you're making 250, you're making 125 or 100. It's really impossible to really become a mogul out there.

[Andy Fickman]

But you have all those Nordic chicks.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

They're perfect, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my God.

[Alana Ubach]

They've eaten sandwiches big.

[Andy Fickman]

So you might be making less money, but the odds that you're gonna strike oil somewhere, you don't even have to go to the mail room at that point.

[Alana Ubach]

Sorry, did I say that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Alana Ubach]

Is that okay? Can I say that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

One.

[Adam Carolla]

I was nine times. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I gotta. We need to wrap this up. But I was gonna. Yeah. Somebody gave me a good note to talk with Andy about during the Stitcher extra content, and it was the 555 numbers that he used in his movie. I got a bone to pick with you, but I will pick that bone in our Stitcher extra content. If you can hang out for one minute. Alana, let's tell people where to find you.

[Alana Ubach]

Absolutely. Men of a certain age. I am now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Get naked again.

[Alana Ubach]

I sure do. No, just half because it's USA Network.

[Andy Fickman]

All right.

[Alana Ubach]

It's cable light.

[Andy Fickman]

Tasteful.

[Alana Ubach]

Absolutely tasteful. Hung is going into third season. Really excited about that. And what else is going on? Patriotic Bitch is going on a college tour. My one woman show. I'm really excited about that. And what else? What else? I'm a bad teacher with Cameron Diaz.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, great.

[Alana Ubach]

Watch out for that.

[Adam Carolla]

And Rango and Andy Fickman, obviously. You again. Out in theaters as we speak and getting a nice B plus on the exit poll, everyone. All right, we will take ourselves a break. Oh, I should see. I don't think I'm missing a plug here. Ah, that's right. Pinnacle College. That's what we talked about. We started off by talking to Andy about his college years over at Texas Tech, learning nothing, making fried chicken commercials, and essentially just moving out here and getting a job at a gay bar. Let's not let this happen to you. Our good friends over at Pinnacle College offer classes in video game sound design and recording engineer programs. They have, their graduates have gone on to win Emmys and Grammys and Oscars. They have a nine month to 12 month programs. You laser focus, you zero in on what you want to do. Learn it. Then you can become a renaissance man. But before that, let's make some money. Forget about kicking around college, wasting your folks money. Let's focus people. 888-590-8824 or you can catch them online at PinnacleCollege. Edu. That's PinnacleCollege. Edu. And until next time, this is Adam Crolla for Bald Brine, Andy Fickman and Alana Eubock saying good night. And now Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra. All right. Sitting here with Andy Fick. Andy has done the movie you again. And I was complaining about the commercial for you again about two weeks ago on this show when Betty White gave out the 555 phone number. And I know. And now when I watch movies, any movie really, you see him come back. What's the phone? 555. And when I hear 555, it's like somebody screeched on the brakes and said we're making a movie. Why not avoid the 555? How can you avoid the 555?

[Andy Fickman]

The only way to avoid it, there's two ways. One is don't say any phone number or charity or you can come into a phone number about a quarter of the way through, but you got to make sure it doesn't sound like you can't say I'm in Beverly Hills. And then all of a sudden just say call me, go to the four seven, six, eight. Because they'll assume that's 310476, right. And, and that.

[Adam Carolla]

And, but how many digits can you get into a number you can get if you're not.

[Andy Fickman]

I think the rule is if you're non specific. If I'm just like anywhere, usa, right, I can probably get, I can get four digits. I maybe could maybe even get five. If I'm in a city that we've claimed that we're there, I can probably only get four digits. And even that's tricky. I probably most likely would get three digits.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, my grandmother had the phone number 7, 6, 3 and I won't give the rest, although you'll probably just hear her outgoing message sadly. But she passed away. Could I sell her 763. She had that 763 number in North Hollywood for, like, 57 years.

[Andy Fickman]

I will. I will say this. When we filmed that, Betty, I think, said instead of 555, I think she said something like 5, 7, 5. Like she. She. It sounded like she didn't say 555 letters and email. There was more legal department activity getting us to make sure that we cleared that one. She had to go in and rerecord the five.

[Adam Carolla]

But you could do it. I mean, you'd have to work the script that way. But you could work it where I said, oh, yeah, call my Grandma. She's at 818763. And then somebody jumped in and went, hold on. That you can do.

[Andy Fickman]

You could start it a certain way, though. The studios in general, it's the prefix that gets them so worked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird thing to me, because the whole notion of a movie is you're asking people to think that Kristen Bell is this person and Betty White is this person. And that's why in a movie, Kristen Bell's name's not Kristen Bell. Right? She has a different name. Because you want to create this illusion. When I hear 555, it's like someone hit someone in the head with a boom.

[Andy Fickman]

But. And that's the flip side. You know, people always. I get a lot of complaints where people will say, you know, oh, why? It always feels like product placement if they're holding a Coke.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Fickman]

Well, our only other option is if Coke was the one who gave us the rights to do it. The only other option is making a white can that says cola.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Andy Fickman]

And which to me takes you straight

[Adam Carolla]

out of the movie, which my parents would have bought.

[Andy Fickman]

They would have bought the Coke.

[Adam Carolla]

They had it lucky.

[Andy Fickman]

So you are in every effort to try to make it feel real. You try to populate it with Diet Coke or whatever you can like. I. I love the idea when you can see real stuff on there.

[Adam Carolla]

I do, too. And I always. It always bothers me when they do, especially sports movies, and they can't get hold of a college or real college.

[Andy Fickman]

We game plan up till right before filming, we were close to closing a deal with the NFL, a deal that, by the way, had not been. Had not happened since I think Jerry Magu was the last time, right? And at the very last minute, the NFL and Disney could not come to

[Adam Carolla]

terms financially, financial term.

[Andy Fickman]

Now, at that point, we still have the Kraft family, Gillette Stadium. Everybody that was involved with the Patriots, we had Under Armour. So we quickly went ahead Under Armour, who makes a lot of the uniforms for the NFL. They stepped in and created everything. Kraft Family, Gillette Stadium. Everyone stayed on board, but it screwed us because we were. You're doing that thing. And we, you know, we got all of espn. We got, you know, Marv and Boomer. We had as much as we could. Yet you're still doing that thing where you're like, you know, the Boston Rebels, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can. What. Here's what I don't. What I don't understand about business. And it's the same thing with, like, music. You know, you say, you know, forget about the Beatles or the who, but you just pick some Herman's Hermit song from the 50s, you know, and you go, hey, we'd like to use Mrs. Jones. You have a lovely daughter in our movie. We'll give you 25 grand. And they go, you know what? It's a hundred grand. And you go, what? You know, it's not like that song's getting a lot of spins right now. And our movies, we're going to play it in a real playful scene, romantic scene. And the movie. Movie. And the movie could be successful. And if it is, it could do for you what you've lost, that loving feeling in top gear it did for the Righteous brother. So here's 25 grand more than you had before, right? And here's a nice big platform to expose your song that's 57 years old. And you'll bet you'll move a bunch of units on itunes when this movie goes number one. And they go, thanks, but no thanks. And then you realize, all right, now, I'm going back to my camp with a generic song, a sound alike or feel alike to my Herman's Hermits song. The Herman's Hermits estate, or the polygram or whatever they're on, goes back with no money and no exposure. Awesome business. Everyone's happy.

[Andy Fickman]

Now, it will happen a lot of times, because usually publishing gets half and that matches what the artist gets. So theoretically, they'll say, okay, it's $50,000. 25. 25. Herman. He says, no, I don't want to do it. So the deal's over. Publishing will come back, and they'll say, I tell you what, we'll still give you. We'll sell you the rights. You guys go rerecord it, and you get that sound alike, who comes in and sounds just like Herman. And you go in and now for 30,000, because you paid that guy 5 grand. And now somehow you still. So the artist sometimes can still.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are the CDs you buy at the car wash. Yep, yep. And it's. And it's funny when the artist. It's like sung or it's like, it's like you hear like Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight. Sung original. And then you get about two bars in and you hear weird synthesizer in the background. And you're like, what the this is? But it says originally sung by. And then you go, what the fuck? I've been raped at the car wash. That should be our next film.

[Andy Fickman]

Raped at the gar Wash. Well, you. But you'll get calls from the publishers also. You know, they'll bait and switch because they'll say, well, I know you can't afford that song, but you know, Herman, they wrote a song 10 years earlier that no one's ever heard. You can have that for 8,000. He'll drive it over to your house.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, they have. Mrs. Higginstoller, you have a lovely daughter that never did chart that you can have for bottom prices. But here's what I don't understand ultimately, and I'm sure you'll never be able to explain it. The one minute that we have left. NFL, Disney, Dwayne the Rock Johnson family oriented friendly movie. NFL, biggest sports conglomeration in the world. What's the hurt? Is it going to hurt the NFL? It's just one more place that we can see the Patriots logo. One more place that we can see the Dolphins insignia. One more time we can hear the NFL. And I understand it's not a Al Pacino, Oliver Stone thing where it's an indictment and steroid abuse and we don't want that kind of language and sex. No, this is a family friendly thing. This is win win. It's like when the kids from 90210 are going off to college. Can't they just fucking go to ucla? They have to go to California college and wear some fake Home of the water lilies. Like, how about they just go to ucla? Like, is this win win for the NFL?

[Andy Fickman]

I'll put it this way. And by the way, NFL had. We had done the NFL notes and had taken out everything.

[Adam Carolla]

So love that. So we love when they have no.

[Andy Fickman]

So we had already gone through the NFL. I'll put it this way. NFL, Disney come together. NFL has a sponsorship with Chevy. Disney has a sponsorship with Ford when we're making the movie. Well, if Disney has the sponsorship with Ford, we're gonna put a bunch of Fords in there, right? NFL says, well, we're the NFL. You have to override your sponsorship Right. And Disney's like, no, we're Disney. You have to override your sponsorship and that.

[Adam Carolla]

But I do like when they go through the script and they're like, yeah, that scene where the big Samoan nose tackle took a whiz in the Jacuzzi. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't feel like. And you go, it's a joke. He didn't pee in the Jacuzzi. That scene. He jumped out. And then he said to everyone, I drank. I just peed in the Jacuzzi. And everyone jumped out of the Jacuzzi. Which he should have had that scene in there, by the way.

[Andy Fickman]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's a joke. We're just joking. They're like, yeah, they don't. We don't feel like that represents it. It's like, first off, one of your guys gets pulled over for fucking DUI every other week. Another guy fucking strangles his girlfriend. The other guy fucking falls off a pickup truck when he's chasing his fucking girlfriend, trying to strangle her. Another guy shoots himself the fucking thigh. Another guy's fighting dogs in his fucking backyard, and his, you know, is bad to the bone. Kennel. Don't you fucking think we know what goes on?

[Andy Fickman]

The week that they asked us, we had one joke. We had one joke that was a steroid joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure.

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah. They told us they wanted us to remove it because they said they didn't like the image it portrayed of the NFL the week that, like, three of their players had all been busted for, like, carrying firearms onto the. So we cut the thing. But, yeah, it does crack us up.

[Adam Carolla]

But again, just, ultimately, this is great for your film, that. That Dwayne the Rock Johnson can play for the New England Patriots. It's great for the Kraft family. It's great for the people who live in the New England area. It's great for the NFL. Just. It's so easy.

[Andy Fickman]

It's a big fan. And the fact that ESPN family move. It's a family. You're at Gillette State, like, what's the worst thing that can happen? And it. I got to give Under Armour credit because they were prepared with the cost, with the. With the uniforms. And then all of a sudden, the minute that it went under, they're like, look, we put uniforms together for college teams all the time. We can make this happen.

[Adam Carolla]

They made them custom.

[Andy Fickman]

They customed it all right, for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thank you for. For that insight, Andy.

[Andy Fickman]

Anytime I can help.

[Adam Carolla]

Our pleasure. Adam Corolla, Extra. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. The truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Andy Fickman]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may

[Adam Carolla]

cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien Encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay never. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. Are also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam all right, so it's Adam Cooler Show 417 with multi talented Alana Ubach as well as director Andy Fickman. This is as Teresa was departing the show after roughly 70 episodes of the new format, the scheduled recording of the evening did not allow for her to maintain this job and another job she got on the Peter Tilden Show. Alana never seemed to be trying out for the Newspool job, would always fill in as almost a favor to Adam because he loved her so much. Alright, that's Adam Gorilla Show 417. Coming up for our next clip today is Adam Gorilla Show 468 guest Teresa Strasser, Jessica golden on news along with Brian Bishop. This one's also from 2010. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast one Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand. Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The Power behind the podcast. Adam's guest today. She's back. Author Teresa Strasser. Plus Jessica Golden's on news, Paul Bryan on sound effects. And a Christmas round of tales from the cheap. And now a man who's feeling festive. And by festive, I mean drunk. Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. A couple pieces of business you can enjoy. The ACE Awards. That's right, the once a year ACE Awards put together by the staff. And when I say that, I mean not me, tomorrow. And it, it is a doozy this year. So enjoy. Basically we'll be here, but it'll be the best of all the best fights, all the best moments, the best music, the best of 2010. Also, I'm gonna be at the Barnes and Noble signing my book tonight. That's right. Well, five to seven o' clock in Huntington beach signing my book. Speaking of books, good day, Teresa Strasser.

[Alana Ubach]

Good day.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Jessica Golden. Good day and good day, bald Brian. Make me some juice. I did you, Teresa, you wrote a book. And we're going to talk about that in a second. I imagine did it on a computer.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you something. Could you imagine all 250 some odd pages just going up in a puff of smoke? That would be terrible because you did not back it up.

[Teresa Strasser]

I can't imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Carbonite online backup. And again, literally puff of smoke. I mean the computer, your computer can be stolen or there can be a flood or the house can catch on fire. I know if you, you just say God forbid because you're Jewish.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was saying it internally, you know

[Adam Carolla]

that you say God forbid and I'll say the thing. God forbid your house catches on fire. God forbid the house floods. God forbid your, your ne' er do. Well, dad comes in and tries to stab your computer monitor with a, with a butter knife.

[Teresa Strasser]

If he could afford a butter knife,

[Adam Carolla]

he could afford a butter knife. A spork, God forbid. Back it up on carbonite. It's Carbonite online backup. It's not there. That's the whole point. Whatever happens to your house is fine as long as you're not in it. Because whatever's in your computer is not gonna be in it either. It'll be at a very safe, offline place. Somewhere that's not flooded or on fire. Where? In the middle of Mount Cheyenne. That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's where it comes in.

[Adam Carolla]

Underground bunker or bat in a salt mine in Batman's cave. Who cares? Either way, it'll all be here. Imagine if something happened to your computer and your entire book was just somewhere else waiting for.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know about you. When you and Mike lynch were writing, however, I compulsively saved and backed up. I mean, it was my worst fear, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But it's only backed up to that thing that's sitting in front of you, right? It's not somewhere else. And whatever's in front of you, the computer now is worth, you know, a thousand bucks. But all the pictures and all the books and all the ideas and all the memoirs and everything. Although, to be fair, there's 200 fears that are tied for number one for Priest's. That's true.

[Teresa Strasser]

But when you crack into my top five, that's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

Unlimited backup for your PC or Mac. Just 55 bucks a year. A year to get this kind of peace of mind. And you use the promo code ACE, and you can get a 15 day free trial. That's right. 15 day free trial, plus two months free with subscription. So what a deal? Such a deal. Go to carbonite.com, use the offer code ACE, and back up your important business. All right, T bone, so let's talk about this book. I know this about Theresa Strasser. She is funny, she is smart, and she is a hell of a writer. And I know in my heart of hearts that your book is going to be better than Chelsea handler's or Jenny McCarthy's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. I've been doing it a long time. I mean, I was thinking, I guess I started writing for newspapers professionally when I was 19. So it's been 2010 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but you were crying. I mean, writing In a journal 10 years before that, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my gosh.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

In my hello Kitty journal. Excerpts of which I read on your show. But this book is. It's about being. Explaining. My Baby is obviously a memoir about being pregnant. A lot of which took place whilst I was on your show.

[Adam Carolla]

When does it drop?

[Teresa Strasser]

It drops January 4th, and it's 10 bucks because it's straight to paperback.

[Adam Carolla]

So the water breaks on the fourth.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this.

[Teresa Strasser]

My mind has stretch marks.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to say this about Teresa and everyone else, by the way. You know, people, they get caught up in, like, the format of life. You know, what's this about? What's it about? You know, I mean, the whole time Dr. Drew and I did Loveline was always, why do you think it's so successful? And eventually, I was just a dick. I was like, because it's mean. It's Drew, and we're better than everyone. And that's it. Yeah, but all the. And it's like, the rest of it is just people calling up. That's it. And someone interviewed me about a car show I'm doing, and they're like, how's it going to be different than Top Gear? How's it going to be different? And I just said, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And when it comes to books, it's that same thing. It's like, how is this different? What's it about? Tell us what it's about. And it doesn't matter. You're writing it. Teresa Strasser is writing it. She's a superior intellect. She's very funny, she's deeply troubled, and it will all come out on the page. And the thing about, like, what makes this different than other books written about the experience? Nothing. You're writing it. That's. And that's all the difference. And by the way, you could be writing about model airplanes. It doesn't matter. It's you writing it. And why is it different with any other author? No one said, who wrote Moby Dick? Melville.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No one said to him, why are you. What's so special about you writing about whales?

[Teresa Strasser]

What's the first line, anyway?

[Adam Carolla]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of whales. Call me Ishmael. What are the chances?

[Andy Fickman]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

What are the chances that you thought

[Teresa Strasser]

Adam would have known that that was really weird. I'm still stunned in a way. I'm still reeling. Yeah, it's hard for me to settle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe they had, like, a Melville action figure or something I had when I was a kid or something.

[Teresa Strasser]

What you're saying is, if you like the voice of the author, the subject matter is unimportant.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. You like Hemingway, and he writes about different stuff. Old man in the ocean, going after those whales. Yeah, just you like the guy. Or. Or maybe you like Led Zeppelin and they're singing this song, or they're Singing that song. But you like. Yeah, but I. It's. It's retarded to interview these people and go, what is it about cashmere that sounds so good?

[Teresa Strasser]

Because it's Led Zeppelin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's Led Zeppelin. It's Theresa Strasser or it's whoever. Dennis Miller or whoever it is you like, they're writing a book. So the part where it's like, what's it about and how does it work and what's it different? Why do you do this and how do you distinguish yourself? You ride it. It's you. It's coming out of your head. It's coming into your fingertips. And I happen to know that Teresa is not only a super talented person and super funny person, but this is her wheelhouse. So it's not only are you a good athlete, but this is your sport.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I mean, I'm a miler. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like radio is you look good from a mile away.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, then I'm a three miler, if we're going to use that metaphor. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture on the COVID looks awesome, by the way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I'm much better on the page than really in this medium or any other. That's. That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

You're great on the radio and you're good. You know, you're good on your feet and all that stuff, but you are very strong writer. I mean, that is your. That is your forte. So now, I guess I would say this. If you like Theresa Strasser, you liked her on my radio show and you liked her on the podcast and so on and so forth. If you liked her there, you're going to love her here. Exploiting my baby. Name of the new book. And I started skimming through it, and it looked fantastic. But then again, I know you wrote it, so I know it's going to be great.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it's all the pain and suffering that's fit to print.

[Adam Carolla]

Any. Anything jump to mine.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, oh. Of my pain and. Oh, well. Well, I write about giving up toxins, which you have to do when you're pregnant, which was pretty hard because one day.

[Adam Carolla]

Cigarettes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Vicodin, Xanax, Klonopan, everything 100.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, don't we. This hundred percent society we're living in. I mean, you know, doctors. Doctors don't say a little red wine on occasion is not going to turn the kid into a. Or a couple of drags off of cigarettes. Not going to send them to junior college. Don't say that. They don't.

[Teresa Strasser]

They rarely Use the term.

[Adam Carolla]

They're very absolute about everything. But then if you live in the real world, you sort of know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I always. I'm very thankful for Mad Men because you go, Betty Draper was boozing it up and getting her hair dyed and having a cigarette when she was pregnant. And I understand she's fictional, but that's what people did in the 1950s.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, people did everything.

[Alana Ubach]

I mean, people do drink wine occasionally when they're pregnant. Some people will let themselves have a glass. But you did a zero tolerance policy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, because my doctor kind of put a scare into me. I think maybe in the last couple weeks I might have had. Yeah, I might have had the fuck it's. But I mean, I probably might have had half a glass of wine.

[Adam Carolla]

But I did sitcom ups. Ever put on, by the way? Ups? I should say. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was Kevin James in that?

[Adam Carolla]

I think D.L. hughley was.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay, sorry.

[Teresa Strasser]

So it was more of a wb.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a play on words. It was Hughes Fugate. The Fugitive.

[Alana Ubach]

The Fugates.

[Teresa Strasser]

I did. I did. I did have a moment where I spent most of my pregnancy googling miscarriage and imagining. Imagining ways I was going to have a miscarriage and also things that were going to be wrong with my baby and ways that I was going to find fail my baby. But one day, I actually did almost have a miscarriage, and it was the most terrifying thing.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd you do that?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, there's a test called the cvs. Your wife had it. You weren't there, I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

But what the fuck do I have to be everywhere all the time for? Here's a plan. How about I go make some money and you go take the test? I'll pay for the test. You go take it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, they. So this test is. If you're an older mom, they. It's kind of like the. What's the one they do to make sure you don't have a.

[Adam Carolla]

Since one is 29 considered older.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right, you're right.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's like the amnio. It's the newfangled amnio. There's a certain amount of risk involved, and they make it clear that there's a certain amount of risk involved. But I figured I know me and I can't go through the next six months not knowing if this kid has some kind of chromosomal disorder and being Ashkenazi. I mean, I had genetic testing and I carry cystic fibrosis. I carry tay sacs.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, congratulations.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's nothing like being inbred. So I was really nervous and I thought, I can't. I know I can't go six months just on the odds that the kid's fine. I have to know for sure, because I'll drive myself nuts. But there is some chance they go in there and they take some cells off. Off your placenta. So it's kind of scary. And I'm in. I'm they. The guy who does them. And everyone goes to the same guy. Generally, he just, he knocks them out. I think he's done 22,000 of them. I mean, he does them back to back. And he's got a couple, you know, three people in three rooms, women getting ready to go. And I'm extremely nervous. And I, I. It was up until the last second I didn't know whether I was going to go through with it because I thought, if I lose this baby, I'll never forgive myself for doing this test. That. That carries some risk.

[Adam Carolla]

So the test itself could cause. There's a half spontaneously go into labor or something like that.

[Teresa Strasser]

It could cause you to miscarry. So it's a very small chance. But I was taking on a certain amount of risk and I just went back and forth and I was. I've never been more tortured about any decision. It was on my first big parental decision, whether or not to do this. And at the last minute, I decided to do it, even though my husband wasn't totally for it. So I'm in. I'm in the stirrups and trying to relax. And the doctor comes in and he goes, oh, I might just. I might. Well, do I do this now? He kind of looks at his nurse. He goes, ah, well, maybe we'll start. And I might have to run out.

[Adam Carolla]

Who makes that sound when someone's in stirrups?

[Teresa Strasser]

Never.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, any.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa, boy.

[Teresa Strasser]

That from a doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me put a carrot up here. There's a sugar cube. There you go. Don't use your fingers. Just hold on the palm of your hand. Let it eat it out of it. Don't be a retard.

[Alana Ubach]

I got.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then I got this. Yeah. So we got an issue next door. Non viable fetus. So I'm in the stirrups.

[Adam Carolla]

Non viable fetus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dead baby. Baby. Dead baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. The water balloon launcher. Never a good shot. Worst band name ever.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dead baby or not viable fetus. So now I'm in the stirrups.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I. The worst thing that I. You could possibly imagine happening. Because what they do is they do the ultrasound Before, So they can see where the placenta is. They can go in. They're looking at the ultrasound while they grab some of your placenta. And I guess the other couple, you know, they went to look, and when they looked at the fetus, it was dead. And, you know, I saw them in the waiting room. You know, she was eating crackers, nauseous. You know, we were both two pregnant ladies in the waiting room, and all of a sudden she was. I Knew she was 10ft away with a. With a fucking dead baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Drew always says that most pregnancies don't go to term in a full term. I mean, they slough off, you know, before, you know, you're pregnant or whatever it is. It's not all a bunch of stuff. Stillborns. But most. And I don't know if this is even true now, this is back in the day, and sometimes he used a little hyperbole, but the pregnancy thing doesn't work out a lot. I mean, it's. It is weird when you hear about these celebrities and like, oh, and they finally gave birth because she had four miscarriages. And you're like, what?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, it's really common. My mom had a miscarriage.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's incredibly common.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. She wrote a book called Exploiting my Baby and it walks. Water break in January 4th. Thank you very much.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Too many. Dad's mom couldn't handle.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, God.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know. We'll get to him in a minute, but it's worse than you could possibly imagine. It's. So anyway, so. So.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, when you co sign for a double wide baby, you're asking for 12.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't know. Never co. Sign for the double wine. So. So now he decides after. I'm just gonna go through then because I got a schedule to keep, and to him, it's Nothing. He's done 22,000 to me. It's. It's my baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I'm thinking, do I tell him? Why don't you just take your time and deal with the dead baby so you can be really focused.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

On my hopefully alive baby. And I'm starting to panic.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, he may be on some sort of dead baby role. Like, it goes in threes, like with celebrity or something, you know?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And I could be the Brittany Murphy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's not. It's not like he. You know, it's probably a couple. You know, there are days when you go, man, it was a slaughterhouse in there. I need a pitchfork to stack those babies.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think that's what the ultrasound tech said.

[Alana Ubach]

Did you see the mom of the dead baby?

[Teresa Strasser]

I saw her before and then, well, I ended up. So what happened was he decides to make hay while the sun was shining up my vagina. And he says to me, the only thing that can go wrong is if you tense up.

[Adam Carolla]

If you tense up, I don't know why chiropractors say the same thing. And it's like, you're not gonna get me to turn into a noodle when you're snapping my neck like James Bond by telling me not tense up. You can't do it. Like, breathe out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, there's nothing more relaxing than being told that you tensing the muscles in your vagina could kill your child.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And if. And. And he's like, this is very specific. And if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Impossible. He should know better than that.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know. So then he's trying to make conversation, and he asked me where I'm from, and I say, san Francisco.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And he said, oh, I'm from California too. Do you know what the third largest city is? That's where I'm from. Now in my head, I'm like, I've got to act casual and, like, I'm relaxed because I don't want him to think I'm not relaxed. And thus I'm at risk of killing my baby. So he happened. He happened to be an African American doctor. And I guessed present out of my. I was like, in my brain.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, in my brain. Yeah. I go, oakland, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I'm doing the black man.

[Alana Ubach]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

But really, most like 99% of my brain had just dead baby written on it. And so there wasn't much left for me to try. And the most populous city, well, like

[Adam Carolla]

Al Davis says, just dead baby.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is that what he says?

[Andy Fickman]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Win, win.

[Alana Ubach]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

When you play for the Dead Babies, you play for a class organization. Thank you. He does sound like the lion from the wizard of Oz, doesn't he? Scratchy in hell. Sorry, go ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

So now the minute. I guess Oakland, I think, oh, my God. Now he has the life of my baby in. In his hands, and now he thinks I'm racist.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I go, oh, my God. How do I. I've got to bring up my black stepfather. That's going to get me out of this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

But I can't really figure out a

[Alana Ubach]

way to do that.

[Teresa Strasser]

And the Oakland thing. And now I'm starting to freak out. And. And then it's dead baby. Dead baby. There's knocks on the door and my mind starts like a siren, and something actually happened. I mean, I. It was so stressful that I started having a contraction, like, as if I was in labor. And I didn't know what's happening. He finished. He's like, very good. He does that. He gets the tissue, he leaves. And then there's like, some activity around me, and I start, like, getting really dizzy and sweat just starts pouring off me, but I'm still on the table without my pants or underpants or shoes or socks. And I realize I'm going to get really sick right now. And I feel like I might be down. Yeah, I'm gonna heave. And I feel like I'm dying and I can't move, and I'm 9,000 degrees. Something is so wrong right now. I have never felt like that. But I don't want to tip off my husband because I shouldn't even really be there. I shouldn't have done this.

[Adam Carolla]

This is worse than you doing there. That's the real question.

[Teresa Strasser]

So scary. You know, I was nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, this is. This is a problem. Well, obviously that did a world of good.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank God he was there.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're listening, could it have gone worse? Yeah, that's. That's my point. And here. Why should you both suffer? And here's. Here's my point. When you have that high octane brain that you have, that high horsepower brain that you have is very capable of turning on itself.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just like having a Kodiak bear for a pet. You know, it's good if intruders break in a house, but every once in a while, that's just you heading down to the kitchen at night and you get mauled.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, that's. Oh, my God. That's exactly what happened. So now, really, I. Well, you're. I was exactly. Literally mauled by a Kodak, but not even a brown bear.

[Adam Carolla]

You. You mauled yourself with your own brain?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, I'm. I. To the extent that. So now I've got to get. I've got to get to the bathroom. I'm just so hot and all I want to do, I got to lie on the floor like a dog. Like, I got to get on the linoleum.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

But I need. I need my. Under my underpants.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the word.

[Teresa Strasser]

So I somehow managed to go in there, and then I'm in the bathroom, and then I'm on the floor and I'm like, I'm dying. My baby's dying. This is the worst thing. I'm making deals With God. But I can't get off the floor. And I'm really worried about my husband being worried because I've now been in there 15 minutes. So the nurses knock and they come get me. My blood pressure is plummeted. I'm green. They go get the doctor, he comes in and ultrasounds me to make sure the baby's not non viable. And then he says, you're having a contraction. And then he explains what happened was you have some vaga nerve. I think that's called a vagus nerve. Something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And when you get panicked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

This can. Your brain can actually cause your body to go into a contraction.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a vasal Vega reaction thing and it's basically swooning. So what happens to all those women at, you know, when they saw Elvis and stuff like that? Like, you go like. And they just start passing out and dropping everywhere. And everyone's like, what. What are they doing? That's. That's swooning.

[Alana Ubach]

Happened to me when I saw Justin Bieber did it.

[Teresa Strasser]

You had Justin Bieber?

[Andy Fickman]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

By the way, how has your news girl search been going?

[Adam Carolla]

As you can tell, not well.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know, Jessica.

[Adam Carolla]

It's been hell on wheels. No, really. You know, my, My. My honest opinion is we've had a lot of great women. Nobody can fill those pumps of yours, T. But really, our problem is we have three or four very good contenders. Oh, what, did they come in And I don't know what the hell to do because there's three or four of them. It'd be. It'd be nice to have one and four that sucked. And we've had a few that have sucked, do not get me wrong, but. And some that didn't. And that was part of the problem. Donnie had to show.

[Alana Ubach]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Tracy, if you're listening. Suck one way or the other, baby. Well, Donnie's policy is if you suck, then you gotta suck.

[Alana Ubach]

I got it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Suck. You gotta suck. That's fair in many jobs, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, and we're. We whittled it down to, I believe, four names and everyone is really good. And including our own Jessica Goldman, Embarrassment of riches. Yeah. Who is going to do some news? Nice.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Queued her up, by the way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sure. See how I did?

[Adam Carolla]

From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Jessica Golden.

[Alana Ubach]

School board shooting today in Panama City or yesterday. Really, really scary, this guy. Anyone see this?

[Adam Carolla]

Florida.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can you believe?

[Adam Carolla]

What a shocker.

[Alana Ubach]

I would have liked to have done in Germany or Florida, but went to

[Adam Carolla]

Panama City with Drew for spring break in mtv.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, that sounds like a nice place. Kind of like Hawaiian Gardens.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not really.

[Alana Ubach]

If it's anything like this shooting, it's be very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Panama City, by the way, is where I was at. Remember that young asshole came in and he said, I want to film this little thing with you. And I got this idea for this little sketchy thing, and I want to do it for some sort of something when we're doing the radio show. And I said to the guy, the guy had. It was one of these things. He was like a kind of a lot of direction, right? And like a little script. Yeah, he had it. He was like. He was like 27, 28. And he's like, I'm putting together this little presentation. It's for a sales thing or something like that, or one of our other markets in Seattle or something. I don't remember what it was.

[Teresa Strasser]

There was a lot of dialog, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And he said, now, look, I've worked out this whole thing where Dave Damasch, you play the boss. You sit in Jack Silver's office. Here's a bunch of pages. Adam, you play the client. You're going to come in. Here's your pages. And there's that thing where you do at a certain point where you go, do you have cue cards or anything? And they go, no, no. Why? And you go, well, you have 14 pages of dialogue here. And I don't know what we're supposed to do with this. I can't memorize all this. Dave can't memorize all this. Can we wing it? Well, no, but if you just stick to the script. And then I said. I started weighing things out, weighing him out and looking at his thing, and he's like, just get the briefcase and walk down the hall and come into the office. And I said, you know what? I'll tell you what. Let me just paraphrase it. I'll put it in my own words. I can work off the cuff. I'm good at this. I've done a lot of this. Set the camera up. We'll go into the studio, and I'll do the thing. And he went, okay, but you're still gonna come down the hall with the briefcase, right? And I said, no, no, we're not gonna do that idea. I'm going to go into the studio, we'll set up the camera, and I'll deliver it to the camera. It'll be funny, it'll be fast. It'll be good, and it'll be to the point. He said, okay, we'll just pick up the briefcase then. And I said, I don't think you understand. We're not gonna do the old bit. And he's like, wow, man, you're still an asshole, aren't you? And I was like, what are you talking about? And he said, you know, I was a PA when you guys were doing your Panama City MTV shoot, Loveline, many years ago. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And I said, yeah? Well, what happened? And he said, you were in a makeup chair. And I said, yeah. And somebody told me to go up to you and ask you if you wanted something to drink. So I went up to you and I asked you, and I said, well, what did I say? And he said, you said, why don't you give me a peach Snapple? And then I proceeded to go all over town looking for peach Snapple. He was looking for peach juice. You were asked for something mistakenly.

[Alana Ubach]

It didn't exist.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a diet peach iced tea or like a peach iced tea, something. No, no. The problem was, is I said, give me a peach or diet peach or peach Snapple. Yeah, but I didn't say iced tea, right? Because to me, Snapple only made iced tea. Peach iced tea, Snapple. They didn't make. They didn't press peaches and make peach juice. They made. When I said Snapple, it implied the Snapple part, the iced tea. I said, yeah, give me a peach Snapple. So he said, I drove all over Panama City looking for peach juice, and I couldn't find anything. And I said, well, yeah, and I said, but you did go in and see something that said peach Snapple. Yeah, but that said iced tea. And you said, peach Snapple. I said, well, you could have spent 99 cents. It just got the one that said peach Snapple. I drove all over town. I looked all over the place. I couldn't find anything. Half hour later, I came to you And I said, Mr. Caroll, I didn't find. I could not find what you were looking for. And I said, okay, well, give me a Diet Coke then. And I said, all right. Is that the end of the story? And he's like, yeah, that's it. I said, how's it make me an asshole, by the way? And he's like, you were just out of line. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. And by the way, I hope these people are either dead or get nowhere in their life. And by the way, if there's anything you got to Teach your kid it's not to be this way. Don't fucking hassle nice celebrities and don't hassle people that are above you. And don't fucking. I know you. I know you're horrible. I know this guy. I know he's gay and he's struggling with something. I know there's some secret. I know he was molested. I know he has rage toward his stepdad. I know there's a bunch of shit. Don't take it out on a guy sitting in a makeup chair or ask for a Diet Coke or Snapper.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can you believe that? Life just takes care of those people.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, believe me, I just feel bad for their wives, their kids, and whoever else has to fucking deal with them. But by the way, you should show these people no quarter. Like, listen to them at first. And then at certain point I just said to him, listen, I'm not going down the hall, I'm not carrying the briefcase, and we're not doing it your way, so knock it the fuck off and let's go do it. And they deserve every second of that, and they deserve it a little earlier. It's just, I'm nice and I'm willing to listen at the beginning.

[Teresa Strasser]

I remember that very clearly. I remember, like the guy coming in with his nine page script and the Snapple. But what's notable here is, Jessica, how many words of that news story do you think you got out?

[Alana Ubach]

I would say six. At this point, however, I was just thinking about the Snapple guy and what you said. People kind of. It comes around. I imagine this guy has got himself in plenty of his own tragic situations if he couldn't find or figure out the difference between peach stuff.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I mean, and then you're a demanding dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted fresh pressed peach puree.

[Alana Ubach]

Get me any peach Snapple. Make it yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't say tea. That was the big deal. All right. Anyway, sorry. What happened?

[Alana Ubach]

Yes. So this guy, to avenge his wife being fired from this school board, which,

[Teresa Strasser]

by the way, to me was the weirdest thing about the story. Because a teacher never gets fired. Fire in a public school. What do you have to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Rape someone with a Snapple bottle?

[Teresa Strasser]

And even then they just send you to a rubber room.

[Alana Ubach]

And how about the fact that he shot at his wife's car a few years back? So it's like, I'll fuck with my wife, but don't you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Alana Ubach]

So this guy busting to the meeting, he paints this V for vendetta, like a big red V, takes out a pistol and you don't understand. He shoots six people. Not one person was shot.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Alana Ubach]

At one point, they show the video. It's really scary.

[Adam Carolla]

Shoot six people, but it doesn't hit any.

[Alana Ubach]

Doesn't hit any of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. But that publicist. Wish. This guy pulled up on a bicycle.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was just saying how. How does a guy nail Ronnie Chase in five times in the chest. She's in a moving car and he's on a bicycle. And this guy can't nail somebody six feet away who's sitting.

[Adam Carolla]

I will. If I'm ever his cellmate, I will repeatedly bring that up to him. Rub it in.

[Alana Ubach]

It's really. When you watch the tape. The tape. Because I have a Betamax. No, when you watch the footage, it looks like he's shooting right at this guy. You figure for sure he'll be dead and not even close. Not one of them. But he ends up killing himself after security guards shot him from the back.

[Adam Carolla]

There's been a lot of this lately, and I like it. I like that part where we don't have to deal with the expense of the trial and putting you away and all the evaluations and the eventual book you write about your experiences. What about the North Hollywood bank robbers? Yeah. No, that's the opposite of. You're saying, no, they killed themselves and we had to deal with them. Their family suing. Well, that's.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, different.

[Adam Carolla]

One of them. Well, no, pretty much the same. One of them killed. Stop. Brown nose. And one of them killed himself.

[Alana Ubach]

Sorry, boss.

[Adam Carolla]

One of them killed himself after he was shot a few times. And the other one just bled out. But he didn't kill himself. The wrongful one. Guy shot himself in the head. Yeah, but that wasn't the. That wasn't the lawsuit. Oh, it was the lawsuit was the guy who bled out. Yeah, that was.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, this. This thing was all caught. Caught on tape. Not. Sorry to step on you, because they were. Cameras were recording a school. The school board meeting. So this entire situation is recorded. And the superintendent is trying to reason with the guy. And the superintendent says, I don't know your wife. I don't know anything about the situation. But I signed the papers, so, yeah, sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Shoot me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. He said. He says, please, these people have nothing to do with it. Why don't you just deal with me? And then another woman, the Perch, the

[Teresa Strasser]

ginger Littleton, she comes back.

[Alana Ubach]

This woman really had a bold move. She takes her purse and she tries to knock the gun out of his hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. She's not worried. Laughing on his Ass.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

She went, Ruth Fuzzy on his ass.

[Alana Ubach]

That's exactly what someone said. Ruth Fuzzy. And he let her go still. Because he let the women go. He was polite. He let the women in the room.

[Teresa Strasser]

She came back, she was already gone. He excused her before he started, and she came back. She opens the door with her giant handbag and knocks him over the head.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a Floridian thing, too.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah. Did you see his. Her kids said that it was really stupid of her to do it. Everyone's like, she's a hero. That was wonderful. Which I think it was pretty heroic. But the kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

That was probably one of her Vegas nerves or whatever, you know what I mean? Because I've never been in that situation. But you don't know how you're going to react.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, the whole thing always used to be with. And this changed after 9 11, I would say. And then after the Virginia Tech shooting and massacre and Columbine and all that kind of stuff, which was. Columbine was a little bit before 9 11, right? Columbine was 1999. Yeah. There used to be this thing and law enforcement used to ram it up everyone's ass, which is, hey, man, if someone pulls a gun on you, stay put. You do what you said, do what you're told. You just sit there. And that was all under the guise of you're gonna get robbed, and so you comply, essentially. Look, all the robbers want us to money, but now we have nut job Floridians and Shiite Muslims, and they ain't into robbing, they're into killing. So the whole sort of stay put thing doesn't really work anymore. That was part of the problem with everyone on those planes that flew into the tower that Asner said the government blew up. Oh, boy, you gotta talk that ass, Theresa. But here's the deal. We packed that place with so much C4, it's not funny now that you in the building. So the point is this. Those people sat in the airplane because they went, okay, well, we're going to Cuba and we're being hijacked. They know we're going into a side of a building. And if they had, then they would have rushed a cockpit like they did the flight that was over Pennsylvania. And so this whole like, hey, sit back and let these guys do whatever they're gonna do, it ain't working anymore. And when a young student comes into your classroom or an old fuck comes into your boardroom, you gotta go the fuck after him now.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, I actually thought that the guy Was gonna reason with him. The one that he actually aimed his gunshot. Right. Did you think that he was gonna be able to talk him down or. No, I.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, the guy's press conference. Can you tell? I covered the story this morning. The guy had a press conference and he said that he could see in. In the gunman's eyes that he was. Came there to die by. By cop. Which he essentially did.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

So I think he knew that it was going to. Going to go badly.

[Adam Carolla]

I know these people are the only. The sort of death by cop. And it happens all the time. You have to be religious, right, and think. I mean, here's the thing. You and I talk about this all the time. Carbon monoxide. No better way to kill yourself.

[Teresa Strasser]

Colorless, odorless night.

[Adam Carolla]

It's friend, it's your lover, it's your

[Teresa Strasser]

therapist, it's your Jesus, it's your sister,

[Adam Carolla]

it's your cousin Bunny and Frosty the Snowman and Santa Claus all rolled up into one and Gandhi and wrapped in bacon. Yes, I would say.

[Teresa Strasser]

And, and. And just on a bed of marshmallows,

[Adam Carolla]

you could float away. Float home.

[Teresa Strasser]

Welcome home. Welcome home.

[Adam Carolla]

And a bed of marshmallows. And so we, we talk about this, Teresa, like. All right, first thing you do is let's collect some Vicodin and let's get out to Jeremiah Weed. I like the sour cherry mash, by the way. 90 proof. Hell of a sponsor. And a hell of a. Hell of a libation. And let's have a few shots of that, a little Vicodin, and then let's hop into the garage and fire up when the Lamborghinis and, you know, richen it up a little bit and just drift, drift, drift right away.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was gonna say, you know what? It would have been a great music Monday. The song. Cause you gotta have a song on when you go, you know, goodbye to the world song.

[Alana Ubach]

What would be your song, your favorite?

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what it would be? Honestly? It would be a mashup. Isaac Hayes and Tori Amos.

[Alana Ubach]

That's what you could have told the doctor when you were looking for somebody.

[Teresa Strasser]

I would need Bryant.

[Alana Ubach]

That's true.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I would have need Bryant's mashup because that makes me happy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so when you want to kill yourself, that's how you kill yourself. And the notion of getting shot by cops doesn't sound very appealing. Not at all. Not to the person that just wants to kill themselves. Okay, so the only reason you get shot by cops and Jews never go this way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Pretty rare.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to be In. And it's not something that atheists do either. You have to believe that if you take your own, you have to be Christian, and if you believe, you take your own life, that you can't get to heaven. So obviously you're fucking idiot, because you think you're going to get to heaven on a technicality. Like you're going to be riddled with bullet holes and St. Peter is going to go, did you know this? St. Peter's gonna go, hey, wait a minute. Whose bullets are those? You go. Not mine. Oh, that's Dade county pd. Here's. Here's your wings in your heart. Right this. Right this way. Oh, oh, hey, behind here. A whole bunch of people you shot. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. So the deal is you kill yourself, you don't go to heaven. You get the cops to kill you.

[Alana Ubach]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You go to heaven.

[Alana Ubach]

Still room.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, what. You know which one I don't understand. Like Bernie Madoff's kid that hung himself with the dog leash.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like that would be very unpleasant in comparison to the Vicodin carbon monoxide, like, hang. It feels.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, they say that the way you do it is very, you know, representative of what kind of problems that you have. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a rage and who finds you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Like, women don't shoot themselves in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Because it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're pretty face.

[Alana Ubach]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. And I was talking about that today. I was doing that Dennis Miller show this morning, and I thought, you know, there's a part of me that we mentioned on this show. I'm glad that Bernie got to experience the death. I feel bad for the kid, and I feel bad for the guy and his son and all that stuff, but I'm glad that Bernie got to experience his son dead, emotionally.

[Alana Ubach]

I really am.

[Adam Carolla]

He's done so much harm to so many people. He can never be repaid and he can never repay them. And I'm just glad that he is aware of this. But, yes, the people that hang themselves, I understand when you're in prison and all you have is a lamp cord or your shoelaces, and you're just dying to jump off of this planet. That's what you do. But when you're in your Manhattan condo, why not do. There's easier ways? And I'll tell you this. I think those people get good and juiced. Like, I don't think it's like. See, we're thinking of it as either drugs and hanging or one or the other, but I think it's both together. I think you get into a place where you're just steady enough to kick that chair out and then you're not really good enough to put up a fight because I think your reflexive actions will kick in. It's hard to take a sober you and just choke that, you know, whatever out of you.

[Alana Ubach]

Right? It is also the biggest fuck you to his father. I'm sure he wanted it as gruesome as possible, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I thought that too. And then I thought, yeah, with a two year old sleeping in the next room. And then I, and then I thought this is awful. And you know, he's one of God's creatures and everything, but part of me thought he shouldn't even own a dog leash. Because the people whose family, you know, the people who were robbed by Bernie Madoff and their life savings were taken, they have nothing. It's old people have to move in with their kids. They should own everything. Ruthie Madoff shouldn't be walking around with diamonds and nice shoes and cashmere sweaters and he shouldn't even have an exposed pipe in an expensive apartment and a dog leash. All their should have been taken. But they can't.

[Adam Carolla]

They can't taking your exposure.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm taking your pipe. No really.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy lives upstairs is like that's my sewer line. I don't care too bad shit into. Why are you punishing me? I lost money too. And look at that pipe.

[Teresa Strasser]

If you're, if you're one of the

[Adam Carolla]

pipe under his building. Okay, under, yeah, that's better.

[Teresa Strasser]

But if you're one of the kids and let's just say they were saying that they were the whistleblowers and they didn't know anything although they worked for their dad. And that's, that's probably bullshit. It's pretty hard to believe, but let's just say they, they, they weren't aware of the Ponzi schemes. If I were Mark or Andrew Madoff, I think just to, I would just give away everything to charity that I had.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, I struggled financially. This kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Rest of your life should be just one big PR campaign.

[Alana Ubach]

That's what I'm saying.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you know, the wife changed their name to Morgan because she didn't want to be a Madoff.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the guy looks a little like Will Arnett in this picture. That's one thought. The other thought I have is I was laughing about it when I was hosting Dennis Miller this morning. That hanging yourself, you know, using a belt. A lot of guys choke do a belt and I Thought, you know, it'd be a nice gag gift or even a good gift. Tea. You'd probably buy this one. Yeah. You know, buy dress belts. You buy the dress belts, and they have one of the actual ideas that works. A reversible jacket does not work. Like, we go like, hey, sometimes I'm in the mood for a green park. I'll just pull my. And then sometimes I like a blue park. There's no reversible jacket that works. But the belt that has the weird twist on the buckle where it's like, hey, it's a brown belt and a black belt. You just flip the thing. One more twist for hanging a third setting and karate.

[Alana Ubach]

It's versatile, too.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Alana Ubach]

When you make the leap from black belt, that's not bad.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then I wonder, well, if you're Bernie, then do you. Is he a sociopath or does this hurt as much as we hope it does feel like?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I don't think it can hurt. I. I know. I know these guys. Like, I know these crime syndicate don. You know. You know, these dons and all this, you know, Tony Soprano types who kill people for a living, essentially, and then go berserk when their mom dies or their son dies or. Or what have you. But I do believe that if you're capable of doing so much harm to so many people, friends and strangers, that the capacity to feel other people or empathize or even have that part where other people exist. I mean, there must be a narcissistic part of your brain that's so big that while you can intellectualize these things, I don't know if you can fully feel them, because if you did, you wouldn't have ripped off all those old people in Boca Raton.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're right. How can you rip off the Wiesenthal center, say, and have the ability to empathize?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they were getting a little preachy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Were they little? With their never forget and all that and blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you say, let's not forget for 500 years, but never. Come on.

[Alana Ubach]

I do wonder, too, though, what you're saying. I mean, the guy definitely is a sociopath. If you can take people's money like that, not care. But I wonder, if this did get. I would hope that it got to him, you know, Be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's keep on. So what, the guy shot everybody. Where were we?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, well, I think we pretty much hit the highlights as someone who has just covered the story. This.

[Adam Carolla]

What else?

[Alana Ubach]

Anything?

[Teresa Strasser]

Sorry. Sorry. It's hard it's hard to stand by, though. Jessica's doing good, see what it's like.

[Alana Ubach]

Well, we can stay on the gunman tip for a second. A guy, another story you might have hollered at this morning. This guy bursts into the Bellagio. He steals 1.5 million in chips. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure what his plan is for. They think he might have an accomplice because obviously this guy's in full leather regalia, motorcycle helmet, and I don't know how no one stopped him on the way out. He steals the chips, runs out, and they think that someone must be there to help him cash in the chip, because this guy's not.

[Adam Carolla]

So how do you get these now? What's the Bellagio? Do they. Would they have to change all their chips immediately? Like, you know, I'm trying to work on the math here.

[Alana Ubach]

I think they'll be suspect. You know, when someone walks in and says, here's a 25, you know, thousand dollar chip or something, I think they're going to be, maybe they may be

[Adam Carolla]

screwed with $100 chips. There's nothing they can do really about that. But I read there were certain safeguards in the industry that prevent people from cashing in those $25,000 chips if they're stolen. Those don't get tossed out to a shark. Those get doled up pretty judiciously. Interesting. Interesting. Not that I would know. So he ran in, he made his escape.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you escape from the middle of the Strip?

[Alana Ubach]

That's what I don't even understand how he escaped from the hotel. It's big enough that you see, again, you see footage of the guy running. How does someone not jump out of

[Adam Carolla]

somewhere if you have a motorcycle? I can't see it because.

[Alana Ubach]

Not in the hotel, though.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, here's part of the problem, I mean, with that is you have a large group of people who are pissed at the hotel, too, because they're out five grand worth of where? The slots. So who's going to take their oxygen tank and roll it his way? You know what I mean?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, it's. I guess it's a tough situation.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I would not feel like if I saw that going out or down in a hotel, I wouldn't feel compelled to dive in front of anybody. Plus, they position a lot of their tables close to the exits. I mean, relatively close. Deep within the casino, some of them. And there's never a guard at the door. You ever notice that the Vegas doesn't

[Alana Ubach]

seem to be cameras everywhere? They're supposed to be on the lookout for this type of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I would assume they'd have cameras all the way up and down the Strip, for that matter. Like you'd think you'd follow this guy, you know, all the way to Henderson.

[Alana Ubach]

Have they not seen, you know, a casino?

[Teresa Strasser]

I just want to know if they really have coolers like the Bill Macy movie, or they get somebody who's incredibly unlucky.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're in Adam Corolla. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Are you a cooler? I mean, coolers make others unlucky.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give you. I will give you my policy. Cause we just got back from playing the House of Blues in the Mandalay Bay, and I walked right past those goddamn tables, and I went to my room and I beat, Went to bed, and Mike August was saying, hey, play a couple times. I said, I don't play. And there's something I would really love to impart to my children. And I hope you all who are listening do this as well. I would like to convince them that they're unlucky. And I know that I'm unlucky because when I sit around, first off, just take a look at my childhood, and then every job I've ever had, and I sit there in between people playing 21, and I'll have the person to my right get three or four blackjacks and the person on my left get three or four blackjacks, and I realize I won't get one. I'll be getting 13s and 14s the entire time. I have not won at all. And I know how to play 21. I'm not saying I'm a shark. I'm just saying I know if the dealer's showing a 15 and I'm holding a 14, that I'm gonna. I'm gonna sit on it and let him bust. Like, I know the basic five rules, and I follow them, and I get killed every time. And then I realize I'm unlucky. I'm unlucky. And then people go, what do you mean you're unlucky? Look at you. You got a big house, you got the cars, you got the family, your beautiful wife. You got all this great stuff. What do you mean, unlucky? And I go, that stuff I got. I went out and got that shit. I earned that shit. That's got nothing to do with a lock. That has to do with busting my ass and going out and getting it. Yes, a sequoia tree could have landed on me 10 years ago and cut the whole Thing short. Yes. But short of that, the cars. That, that ain't luck, baby. That's busting my hustle. That's hustle. So when it comes to a coin toss, I'm gonna lose. When it comes to starting a podcast, then maybe I'll win.

[Alana Ubach]

That's not luck. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's not luck. And so what I would like to do is teach everybody, especially my kids, don't buy a lottery ticket. That ain't gonna work. Instead go work on your resume and don't give me that where you're five and a half. I'll show you the back of my hand. Oh, speaking of like dumb like you don't know what a resume is.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think now making YouTube videos is the new resume. I don't know if you guys saw this, the alternate ending to the Yogi Bear movie. Did you see this on YouTube? It's like a big YouTube video smash or something.

[Alana Ubach]

See the original ending?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, the movie hasn't come out yet, but I guess there's a Yogi Bear movie coming out and, and this 25 year old kid like recent college graduate decided to re cut the ending with this really dark it's. Look at it. It's. You will, you won't believe how funny it is. Based on the assassination of Jesse James by that Coward whatever it is movie. Yeah, this, it's. It's like you go oh this is so cute. And then it's incredibly dark.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Teresa Strasser]

But this kid is probably has already probably a three picture deal right now. Honestly, because he took the time to make his own luck.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll be directing my next sitcom pilot

[Teresa Strasser]

and then he'll be asking you for a diet Snapple.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, we're watching it right now. It's cute. Yeah, yeah. It's gone viral already. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of cartoons. And we can keep looking at this. I'm just discussing it. I have not picked up the funny pages in a newspaper in a million years because they're never funny.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, not since Kathy named funny pages.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and cartoon whatever. And I think Mike August and I were flying out of that a Portland Sacramento where the hell we've been a couple weeks ago and he just. Oh, oh, wait a minute. I think I know what it was. I think, I think I bought the, I think I bought the New York Times that had my book on the New York Times bestseller list. We're leaving on a Sunday morning out of Sacramento and I passed one of those Hudson newsstands and they had the New York Times six fucking dollars by the way, great story. And I grabbed the goddamn thing. It was thick as a.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're a New York Times bestseller.

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, that's nothing to sneer at.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm not mean. I was fine. I'm good with it. I got it at home.

[Teresa Strasser]

But did you have a moment when you saw it and you, you know, felt.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No, nothing? No, I wish I had. Wish I had one of those ones. I was glad to be on that list, but didn't have a moment.

[Teresa Strasser]

Are you gonna write another book?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm contractually obliged. And. Yeah, and by the way, don't buy the next book because I got all out of my system.

[Teresa Strasser]

Everything good is already done.

[Adam Carolla]

The funny and chapter one. So I, I. I cracked open the funny pages and I just started looking at it. I hadn't looked at it in years. And I've been screaming for a million years that this stuff's never funny. And I'm looking at the wizard of Id and it's not funny at all.

[Alana Ubach]

Give the lockhorns a try.

[Adam Carolla]

The lock. I'm looking at nothing. And then I go to this hack, Charles Schultz, and, oh, he's got a peanut. I don't care. He's making $50 million a year and he sucks. And look, it's. Look, it's Linus and Lucy. And she's gonna offer him some assorted chocolates. And he says, I hope I don't get the one with the coconut in it. And then he stares at it for a while. And then she goes, oh, hurry up already. And he flips over the same way. The same way Charlie Brown would do when she would, when he, she would move the football. And then he flips over and he picks one. And then he goes, oh, coconut. He did take the coconut one. Now, here's all I'm saying. Compelling and rich. Schultz, by the way, just as funny from the grave as he was alive. Here's the deal. I've said this many times. You don't have anything. You don't have anything. I've read this fucking paper up and down, back and forth. It was all nothing. All the cartoons, Even Garfield. Even Garfield, Blue Ass. They all fucking suck. Like there was nothing there. By the way, if I was the editor and you try to hand this shit in, I'd be like, no, coconut.

[Andy Fickman]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

You're not getting paid this fucking week. Here's the deal. When you got nothing and you always have nothing. Especially I'm looking at, who's this? Blondie or Dagwood or whoever the fuck

[Alana Ubach]

I Don't like when they get concept in a cartoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Blondie is fucking horrible. The point is, look, you got nothing. Put a picture of a missing kid.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Just admit you got nothing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Make use of the space.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's not a human on the planet that is looking at this Charles Schultz piece of shit from your going, hey, Sonny, honey, get the magnet out. This is going on the fridge. This is some excellent stuff. Really. Teresa, take a look at that. Flip it over.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm just shocked that Garfield still exists.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at Schultz on the other. Look at Schultz on the other side. Right there. Right in front of you.

[Alana Ubach]

Seems like a lot of the same comics.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead and read it. Can if you can read it out loud. Paint a picture.

[Teresa Strasser]

Lucy says to that must be Charlie chocolates.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that Charlie?

[Teresa Strasser]

Is that Charlie?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. That's Linus.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's Linus.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Pelling.

[Teresa Strasser]

And rich chocolates, eh? How nice. Ellipses. Let's see now. Ellipses. I must make sure I don't get one with coconut in it. I can't stand coconut. See now, hmm. She's offering the box of chocolates.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Teresa Strasser]

That one looks like a cream, but you never know. That one could be a caramel. There's no divinity, is there? That one is probably coconut. Still looking into the box of chocolates. The light colored ones are usually good, although the dark colored ones are sometimes creams. I don't know about those square ones. I wonder if at this point. At this point, Lucy loses her mind. And in all caps, take one.

[Adam Carolla]

She screams.

[Teresa Strasser]

She screams. She's got that giant open cartoon mouth scream, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He flips over.

[Teresa Strasser]

He flips over.

[Adam Carolla]

Schultz's only joke.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's his.

[Alana Ubach]

That's his move.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's his move to the basket.

[Adam Carolla]

That's his move.

[Teresa Strasser]

Then Linus finally with a couple drips of sweat flying into the air because he's so nervous about what chocolate he's gonna get and whether or not it's gonna have coconut.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

He grabs a chocolate from Lucy's box. Yeah, coconut.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Listen, all right, so first off, you have nothing. Put some missing kids there. There are plenty of missing kids. You could do some good. Instead of boring a nation, you could actually bring some families together. And number two. Oh, God damn. You think the Madoff family should give some of that money back? How about the fucking Schultz family? I guarantee they made $20 million this year. The guy's a fucking hack. His cartoons are horrible. And by the way, you know what's good about his Stuff on tv. The music.

[Alana Ubach]

It is the music.

[Adam Carolla]

Score. The rest. Shit. And the in the cartoon stuff. I mean the cartoon. The stuff that's on television. Watchable junk. It's all junk. Just put the missing kids and admit you have nothing.

[Teresa Strasser]

So what if they did? The missing kids but in the form of a cartoon.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice.

[Teresa Strasser]

So it wouldn't be too jarring.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I like it.

[Alana Ubach]

No more transitions. Keep me comfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

We need to take a quick break.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll be right back after this stunt for gift ideas. Want to avoid the malls? In 50 years we'll all be chicks. Is the perfect gift for the angry middle aged white guy or any fan of funny on your Christmas list. If just one person reads this book and decides to change his own oil, then I've done a whole horrible job and my family's going to starve. I need to sell a shitload of these things. Available now at Barnes and Noble, Porters, Amazon and other bookstores. Or for the illiterate person on your Christmas list, buy the audiobook on itunes. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a horrible reader. No, I don't have dyslexia. I'm just dumb. What's wrong with being dumb? Stuff some stockings this year. Within 50 years will all be chicks. The new book by New York Times best selling author Adam Carolla. Looking for that perfect Christmas gift? Check out the new goods we're carrying in the Ace store at AdamCorolla.com better hurry. For Christmas delivery you must order by this Saturday, December 18th. Get it on with some new Ace merchandise and happy holidays. All right. Teresa Strasser's here. Exploiting my baby and the the water breaks January 4th. That's right. I should also tell you guys if you'd like to congratulate someone who has had a baby or maybe just a best selling book. How about 18 Christmas Lights Roses? Right. Get a free glass vase $19.99 from our good friends over at Proflowers. You can upgrade to 24 roses and you can get the free ruby vase and free chocolate for just 10 bucks more. That seems like 10 bucks well spent. ProFlowers will deliver anywhere in the US and they're guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days. Supplies will not last, so let's hop on it. Go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone and type in Ace. And that's the way you get the deal. 18 Christmas colored roses. So it's like the colors of the Christmas lights, so floral, so festive. And the vase, glass vase. Such a deal. Under 20 bucks. But let them know Ace sent you. Click on the microphone and type in ace proflowers.com. all right. Should we do some tales from the cheap?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, that's right. Special holiday edition.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is. Well, we all have our. Jessica, I don't know how cheap your family is.

[Alana Ubach]

There are a lot of things. They're not terribly cheap.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not terribly cheap. Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Where are you from, Jessica?

[Alana Ubach]

Suburb of Detroit, Michigan, where it seems one of these.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you know Eminem? It's not.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh yeah, well, Eminem, I've heard of Eminem. We're not like besties, but we kick it here and there.

[Adam Carolla]

Bald Bryan's family was not cheap, though. They were not. They didn't have a lot of money, but they weren't tight fisted. You're. Well, yeah, you put it very well. They stressed their dollar, they're very smart. Their money, what little money they had, but stressed their bottom. Teresa's family was cheap.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just mainly poor, you know what I mean? And maybe a little cheap, but mostly just broke and most of them still are.

[Adam Carolla]

My family was poor and depressed. 30 meetings in 30 days. And also there's a thing where. And this is what my family had. You don't deserve it. I don't mean you. I mean you looking in the mirror like, why do you deserve this? Why do you deserve that? Why these, you know, these creature comforts or these nice items or things that just make you feel good. You deserve tap water and top ramen and you should survive in toilet paper. The three T's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, and not the nice kind.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not the quilted or the double.

[Alana Ubach]

Way to give yourself that message. Whether your parents were cheap or not, you can definitely find a way to.

[Adam Carolla]

But when your parents are that way, you get indoctrinated into this fucking horrible, depressing, super cheap lifestyle where you like put in gas, you know, $2 at a time. And you, you know, it's like, it's just that shit. It's that little difference between buying Levi's for 1159 and buying tough skins for 9.99. You know, it's like, first off, the tough skins aren't free. They're just 10% cheaper. So that's the first thing you have to deal with. Like you go like, you act like you, the tuffskins are free, but they're not. They're a little bit cheaper. You know, it'd be like you saying you want Salisbury steak or filet Mignon. The salisbury steak is $19 and a filet mignon is $21. Well, at that point, you're stupid not to spend the extra $2.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, no, you've just explained why. Why it's so painful when you're wearing the tough skins or driving the Huffy. Because you're basically announcing to everybody the state of mind of your people.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. And because the tough, tough skins don't last as long and they don't sit right. And they don't break in. Right. And they're just not as good a product. Big picture. You're better off spending the extra $2, but you're not worth it. And there's two things that are on a shelf, and one of them's cheaper. And guess who's getting that one.

[Alana Ubach]

It's true that what you said about the gas thing, though, a lot of people do that. And that really is a psychological thing of, oh, I'm running on empty, or I'm just, I don't deserve it. I don't take care of themselves in that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad but true. It's a disease. I think Dawson has an intro here. 20 year old Tupperware, homemade clothes, powdered eggs.

[Alana Ubach]

It's time for tales from the cheap.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Let's talk to Butch. Just because his name is Butch, and I love that name. Butch. You have a tails from the cheap. Oh, yeah. I got a good one first. Let me set the contact. By the way, T. David, great to

[Andy Fickman]

hear from you again.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, thank you, Butch.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me set the super depressing context for this one. This was my high school graduation. Mm. And my super idiotic uncle gave me a booklet of food stamps.

[Andy Fickman]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. And again, what the hell kind of message does that send to you upon graduation? Exactly. At least my super cheap uncle got me a decorative popcorn tin. Oh, great. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was that the one that was later used?

[Adam Carolla]

Later defecated in because I was locked out of the house? Yes. Yes. Hey, Adam, can I say something real quick? Yeah. I kind of have this similar life of you. I got in lots of fights in high school, wasn't a great student, and I just listening to you, you kind of put my nose straight, told me to shut the up, stop blaming people and get to work. And you know, really turned my life around and, you know, ended up a lot better than the rest. Well, as far as the fighting in high school part, that's not your fault. It's your parents fault for naming you Butch. Because guys named Butch tend to let Their fists do their talking. They're not captain of speed. Hey, hey, Captain Speech and debate team. Butch. Now our valedictorian. Butch. Yeah. That doesn't. That doesn't work well.

[Andy Fickman]

What.

[Teresa Strasser]

Butch, what are you up to now?

[Adam Carolla]

Right now?

[Alana Ubach]

Just kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in West Virginia. I'm a floor manager of a very large floor glass manufacturing company and actually doing pretty well. Nice, Butch. Glad to hear it. And by the way, my fighting, I never fought in high school. I fought after high school, which is actually worse because I was an adult.

[Teresa Strasser]

I like that Butch has lived according to your teachings. And I actually, I noticed when he first started talking that he kind of had your coffee cadence and he used some of your. Yeah, he had the super and the. Yeah, I think he's. He's modeled himself on your one butch

[Adam Carolla]

at a time book of food stamps from the.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's going to be hard to top.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever get the thing the Butch does when someone says, I'm a

[Teresa Strasser]

loser, I'm fat, I have bad self esteem, poor hygiene, I'm miserable.

[Adam Carolla]

Success of masturbation.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm like you guys never ask me out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

When someone's less attractive or stretch rush

[Adam Carolla]

male pattern baldness, particularly good looking or charming or Crohn's disease.

[Teresa Strasser]

No one really expects much of me.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't try hard. I would say, you know what it's like.

[Alana Ubach]

Sex offender have the red dots blinking on website.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, let's keep on rolling. Yeah, I know. Jesse. Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

What's happening, Jesse?

[Andy Fickman]

Nothing much.

[Adam Carolla]

Can May I believe I'm talking to you. For Christmas, the year that the super Nintendo came out, which I think was 92 or so, my grandparents got my cousin the super Nintendo. He was the golden child. And me, they got me a case that a.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like a.

[Adam Carolla]

What I would call a hot water bottle, but is it normally called a douchebag goes in at a hospital and inside the douchebag holder were about eight crayons and a couple of which were broken. From big boy, you got a decorative douchebag container and some broken crayons. It had my name written on the front in a little. In the little clear plastic where the nurse would put the name. And when I took the card out to see what was on the back of it, it was like the. It was a piece of the.

[Andy Fickman]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And now did you. Did your brother. Was he your younger older brother, cousin? Oh, no, he was younger. Did he let you at least play with the Nintendo?

[Andy Fickman]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he. He didn't. He was a Giant heel.

[Teresa Strasser]

Why did they like him better?

[Alana Ubach]

What if there's a special deal going on?

[Adam Carolla]

My dad died and his dad didn't. So out of their children, my dad was a failure. Thus I was the black sheep of the family.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait, for dying?

[Adam Carolla]

Their dad. His dad died, so they were overcompensating with him? No, no, no. My dad died.

[Teresa Strasser]

That is a kind of failure to live.

[Adam Carolla]

It says, though, I killed him. Right, right.

[Alana Ubach]

They blame him for their son's death.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, how'd he die?

[Alana Ubach]

Were the crayons.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesse ran him over.

[Teresa Strasser]

But it was your fault.

[Adam Carolla]

How did he die?

[Teresa Strasser]

Heart attack.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you really think they blame you? Well, they became really insane like Christian Scientists after, and they claim to see angels, and they just really. They really turned me off to the entirety of. By the way, the best. The best payback is having a good life and not being cheap and sharing your gifts with others. And I hope you're doing that now, Jesse. Absolutely.

[Teresa Strasser]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Good times there. Proud of the Michigan version of Harry Potter. He gets the NES and he gets the. His cousin gets super NES and he gets the hot water bottle of Crown. Oh, yeah. This whole thing started because we used to have a grab bag at my Uncle Gabby's house. He was Hungarian, and boy, I'll tell you, the only thing that makes cheap people even cheaper is not having to put their fucking name on the gift they buy for somebody. Yeah, because. Because, you know, it keeps you honest. At least when you have to slide it across the table and your name's on the thing and it's that bullshit where I used to. My manager used to do this all the time, where every year they would make the. Do the gift of the donation to ALS in my name, but they would never tell you how much. And I'm sure it was super cheap. And by the way, I don't get the write off. And number two, I don't know anyone who suffers from als. And I wanted. Myself. I wanted a fucking toaster oven. Like, I didn't want that shit, but they just do it. And you wonder how much they give. And then you seem like the cheap guy because you know they didn't give that much. But the deal is, is when your name is not involved. So imagine you take a group of some of the cheapest people in North America, you come up with this retarded grab bag idea. Well, everyone buys a gift, and then they put it out onto the table and everyone grabs one and no one has a name on it or anything. Fucking dad grabs A shrimp devener. A shrimp deve. First off, I didn't even know what shrimp was. No, it's. There was no seafood being flown in. The coral. The shrimp, by the way, was, you know, eight bucks a pound. We couldn't afford spam. Like there was no shrimp to be had. But that shrimp devehner looks like a pickle fork with a little picture of a shrimp on the end of it. Like it's sort of, you know those corn cob holders that have little corn cobs on the end of it. By the way, we get it, it's for the corn cob at that point. But a shrimp debater. I must have sent somebody back $0.89.

[Teresa Strasser]

And again, what else was on the table at the grab bag was this. The melon baller.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there was a melon baller. There's a shrimp deve ice cube tray. I would pay $10,000 for a lineup, a you know who's who of fucking cheap ass. Everyone who bought that gift and the gift underneath them and a picture of them in front of a police lineup. That thing that said. But it wouldn't have height. It would have dollars, right? Yeah, dollars on it. Buck 89. Cheap bitch.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus fuck.

[Alana Ubach]

I just had a flashback to fifth grade.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the shrimp deveiner you're looking at that's on the thing right now is a thousand shrimp dev to this one.

[Alana Ubach]

That is a beauty right there. When I was in fifth grade, we were doing secret Santas, so same kind of anonymity. I forgot to get my secret Santa gift, so I think I gave him my lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Again, when your name is removed from whatever, it's immediately.

[Alana Ubach]

I saw him.

[Adam Carolla]

No, because I mean, the big.

[Alana Ubach]

The. The.

[Adam Carolla]

The opposite of this is like libraries, right? It's the Charles and Tilda Johnson memorial library. You know, like, okay, you're going to carve my name in granite. It's going to be there for 500 years. I'll give you a fucking library. Shrimp debater. No name on that Baby cousin of

[Teresa Strasser]

this is the diffusion of responsibility that comes with the split check. And I don't know if you get that feeling where there's 10 or 12 people at the table and then somebody starts getting like four appetizers because they're going to have a bite of each and a couple drinks and you were just going to have a salad, but now you know you're going to have to pay for some of their appetizer.

[Alana Ubach]

So maybe you get more.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe the worst is that when the guy's on his fifth Heineken and you've had your third. You've had like your third refill on your iced tea because you got the bottomless iced tea for buck 29. And this guy's on his fifth fucking Heineken with his, like, crown chase, Crown royal chaser. And then. And he doesn't know. He doesn't do it, see? He doesn't whack up the bill. He's not the guy. It's always somebody's a little bit out of it who's sort of next to him. And they go, all right, all right. Then they go, okay, it's 220. Okay, 250 with tip. What do we got here? Okay, it's 10. Okay, everyone's divide $25. Everyone's putting $25. Hurry, the movie's starting. And you're like finishing your dinner salad, taking one last slurp off your thing. And the guy with the fucking 15 spent Heineken bottles runs like, okay. And he just quietly rips it. He never. Because it's not his call.

[Andy Fickman]

Now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not a big enough dick to make the call himself. He'll let the person next to him was a little bit out of it. Make the call. I don't know that.

[Teresa Strasser]

You think that's the accomplice, like the guy in Vegas?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a discussion. Yeah, he's a wheel man. They have it as a second story, man. One of the best in the business. By the way.

[Andy Fickman]

Who.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are those guys? Are there any of those guys alive? But they must have a conversation in the parking lot. Like, listen, I'm gonna drink my body weight worth of accorded brew skis hungry for shrimp, man. I'm getting to surf, turf and surf again. Back to the trash over there's got a little issue around food. So she's gonna have a dinner sound. I'm set her up by asking her if those jeans look a little tighter before she gets in.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, she's got a little. That baby weight. How old's the kid? Still. Oh, a year old. Still carrying that around.

[Teresa Strasser]

Cancel a salad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There you go. All right, order up. Yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a two man job. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. All right, someone's got a good pajama story. Let's talk to.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oops.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Screwed that up. Let's see. Line two. Steve. Hey, Adam. Teresa, everybody.

[Alana Ubach]

How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Steve. Hey. I'm Huntington Beach. I'm coming out there. I know I'll be Here, I'll see you.

[Alana Ubach]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll bring my book to you. Yeah, I think they want you to buy one there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Really?

[Andy Fickman]

When I did.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's already.

[Adam Carolla]

When I had Bill Simmons sign a book at wherever it was, they had no problem bringing your own book in. Well, la dee da.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you enjoy the book?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was great. Thank you. I laughed. I choked. I laughed so hard.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was choked more than Bill Simmons book.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Here's the ears. I like basketball, but Adam Caroll is a million times better. Here's the Dear Ace man f you go down. Break. Go. Pass. Best in football. All right, so here's the. Here's the. Here's the thing. I'm not just saying this to be a douche, but the bookstore wants to sell books, and if you want to bring your book, then come out to the Irvine Improv and I will sign the book for you there. But the bookstore, like, wants to sell their books, and everyone shows up with their books that they bought on Amazon for $13. That Barnes. Okay, there you go.

[Teresa Strasser]

We'll buy an additional one as a gift.

[Adam Carolla]

It. If you can prove to them you bought it. Yeah, they'll. They'll let you bring a receipt. Yeah, bring a Borders receipt. Right. All right. Yeah. So go ahead. I'm sorry, Steve. That's okay.

[Andy Fickman]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so I had. I grew up in Hebrew Heights, probably not far from Donnie. Where? On one of the Donna streets. It was. No, it was on Longridge. Longridge. Nice. Yeah. So. But they were Jewish. Cheap, you know, money, but, you know, two nickels to rub together. But those nickels go under the mattress. And nobody was supposed to know we had money and ever to know where we lived. What is it with people? What is it? I had a grant, but I wasn't allowed to say we were anywhere near Ventura Boulevard. What is it with the weirdness that people have with money? Like, I understand when you're dealing coke and you don't want the IRS up your ass, but, you know when you're just sort of talking to a friend and you go. They go like, you know, I got. I got offered second book deal, and it's pretty substantial, whatever. And you go, oh, how much? And I go, it's good. It's substantial, you know, and you're having fucking lunch with the person. And you go, but what are we talking about here? And they're like, it's. It's quite substantial. And it's like, is it not that substantial? And so they would rather make you think it's More than it is. Or, or are they just weird? They're just fucking weird about it. Very much afraid that if we ever did business with them, they, they go, oh, okay, we can gouge them. I had one of the most bizarre adult conversations I ever had with my mom was I asked her at a certain point, you know, my mom's never, you know, a lot of welfare and food stamps and all that kind of stuff. But my stepdad John worked for the skunk work over at Lockheed with a fairly high security clearance, working on top secret aircraft. And by the way, they had a. No, they had a no talking policy. And that was done and done with my stepdad John. You didn't have to tell him twice not to talk. That guy does not fucking Steve Garvey bobblehead talks more than my stepdad does. No better guy to work in security. He probably didn't even say yes when they asked him if he could handle the high school security. Just nodded his head. But he didn't talk about anything.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you go on a car ride with him?

[Adam Carolla]

Nicest guy in the world, but just super introverted guy. Just real quiet guy, but real good guy, but real quiet guy. But at a certain point when I was, you know, I was adult, I'm living up in the hills. I'm working on man show. I'm making millions of dollars and stuff. And, you know, I said to my mom, how's, what's, what's John do a year? Because I can't figure it out. The guy's an engineer. He worked for Lockheed for a million years. He works in the skunk works division, a top secret division. What's he doing? She's like, I don't know. I said, well, you've been married to him for 25 years at this point, you know, ballpark, I don't know.

[Alana Ubach]

I don't want to ask.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't tell you. I said, but, you know, just about, you know, 50 grand, 100 grand. She said, I couldn't tell you. I said, listen, I'm not going to ask to borrow any money. I make 20 times whatever he makes. But I'm just kind of curious. I just want to know, like, is it a pretty good coin or where are we at here? And it's just like, I don't know,

[Teresa Strasser]

is that a generational thing where people of a certain age don't like to reveal, like, it's tacky or make me some Jews?

[Adam Carolla]

There is, there is a thing. I got, I got. I must, I must say this. When we went to the. Well, no, I'm. By the way, if your fucking rich son is sitting there in your crappy living room asking you across the table, what stepdad of 25 years makes a year, just go ahead and say, you know, don't hold me to it, but about somewhere between 80 and 90 years, something, you know, something spit out a number, get a number out of her. And about the third time I asked, she got pissed at me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you think she really didn't know?

[Alana Ubach]

Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the beauty of my family. I don't know. That's the beauty. I, I, my family possibly expects me to. My family does not like to share with other people, and they don't like you to know. And they close to the vest.

[Alana Ubach]

And it's weird, know that sense a

[Adam Carolla]

weird message to other family members because it's, it's, it's the, it's the antithesis of family. It's like the opposite.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's like, it's not intimate.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't tell this to a stranger, but surely tell your son, yeah, that's your mom. That's your mom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Probably just show you the not ballpark thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And I, I said to her, you know who I am. I said, look, just. I don't need to see tax returns, right? This is ballpark. 50 grand. Where are we at? 50 grand. How would I know? But just ballpark, just ballpark.

[Alana Ubach]

Just how would I know?

[Adam Carolla]

But about, about. How should I know? And at the end, got pissed off. Well, I had to drop it and move on. But let me just say this quickly. The generational thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When we were trapped in Sacramento or Fresno or one of those places, me, Tony and Mike went on a tour of the Winchester mystery house.

[Alana Ubach]

Yes. Been there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I think I mentioned this on the air. And that's in San Jose. San Jose. Thank you. One of those places, not Oakland. And they said San Jose is the most. Yeah, it's a mystery when it's not a crack house. They have the mystery crack house in San, In Oakland. So they said, I said, they said, all the furniture's gone. All the original furniture's gone. All the kids auction it off. Took a San Francisco and auction off after the old widow Winchester widow died. And I said, oh, I'm all right, I guess, cashing in on the Winchester name. And he said, no, they didn't, they didn't know it was from the Winchester house. I said, they auction off all the furniture from the Winchester house. And they didn't say, hey, Winchester House Auction. You know, like we would do now, Madonna's furniture.

[Teresa Strasser]

Would you just sell Michael Jackson's glove and say, it's just a glove?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It's just one has. It's one.

[Teresa Strasser]

I can't tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

The other one in the dryer.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And, Right. And. And they said, you know what? It was considered in bad taste to. To, you know, And I said, that's not exactly talking about somebody doing it on the lawn.

[Alana Ubach]

You know, makes it more mean.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're like, yeah, just. They didn't do it back then. Like, that's. Back then. It wasn't that long ago it was considered in poor taste to try to cash in on someone else's misfortune or whatever it was. You sold the furniture at market value. The fact that it came from here was none of anyone's business. It was our family deal, and that's the way we're doing. Yes, they probably knew they could make a few more ducats if they did it that way. But they went, you know what? We're discreet. We discreetly do this.

[Teresa Strasser]

The guy I work with now on the radio is maybe in his 50s. Ish. And Peter Tilden. Yeah, Peter Tilden and the nicest guy. And, you know, it's just the two of us, and it's early in the morning and we're just sitting there. So you get very close to somebody and we know already everything about each other. You know, you hear somebody on the phone with their doctor, their wife, talking about their kids, whatever. There's a lot of incredibly personal things we know about each other. And I just figured, you know what? I'm just. I've got to know what he makes. I've just got to know what he makes. I'm dying to know. So I just. Like I said, this is how much I make. What do you make?

[Alana Ubach]

Just to see. And he just.

[Teresa Strasser]

I couldn't get out of him. So now every day I go, what are you making? How much are they paying?

[Alana Ubach]

You can't get it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that, you see, can't get it.

[Teresa Strasser]

He just. I realize it's just not. I mean, he'll tell you anything, but that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, radio never does that. Radio freaks out about that because there's a few reasons for that, but one is, is having the person sit across you. Sits across you make, you know, a fifth to a ninth of what you make perhaps is not going to be good for chemistry or come. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why I told him, I hope they pay you 10 times what they pay me. Because you work 10 times as hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it should help. But I mean, at least that one has a sort of a motivation now.

[Alana Ubach]

He should.

[Adam Carolla]

He should just say it anyway. Because you asked. Right. But no, I had that situation with Dr. Drew for a while.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, he wouldn't die.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we. We. We got. You got no play, player. We got paid the same for, I don't know, nine years. And then are somewhere going into our last year, the. The wisdom of radio. They literally said, oh, we'll pay you. Pay Dr. Drew. I don't know. 950, $975,000 a year. And then we'll pay you Corolla. 285.

[Alana Ubach]

No way.

[Teresa Strasser]

That big a discrepancy. No.

[Andy Fickman]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

285 versus he was.

[Andy Fickman]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't be a player hater. And I was like. I was like, what? And they're like, yep. And I was like, well, they could have gotten us Both probably for 400 and saved themselves some money because Drew would have done it. And I would have done it too, just because I like Drew. Yeah, I didn't really do it for the money in terms of I was always doing another TV show or whatever. I was doing Loveline, but we liked working with each other and we liked our jobs. And it was two hours a night, you know, and they said, no, we'll give him full fare and we'll give you less than a third of whatever you were making. Drew will get the same. You will get less than a third, by the way. Had there been an Ace Awards back then? Runaway winner for most Awkward moment the night that all broke. Not broke, but the night at all.

[Teresa Strasser]

Behind the scenes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it all went down behind the scenes. But Adam was determined to point out the discrepancy in. If there's to be made this discrepancy, and there'll be that much in work or an output.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Carolla]

What was that? You were going to put out that

[Teresa Strasser]

much less than Drill if you were getting paid 30%.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't talk that night. You, like, didn't talk early at all? Well, for the first hour, you barely talked.

[Alana Ubach]

That is pretty insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's where. Here's where. Here's where the thing blew up. Brian, you back me up. Tell me if I'm misleading anyone. I only heard from third party sources, but go ahead. The. The thing blew up when what happened was, is that was the pay. And I just said, look, it's one of these things where I'm not going to agree to this, but I'll go to work without a contract and there'll be this thing where the first year I worked on Loveline, I was working without a contract for not that much money because they're cheap. And they said, we'll make you the highest paid part time employee in the company. And I was like, so I'm going to get the same as Boogerman? And I said, no, but while we're working this out, I'll keep working and then we'll retroactively, you know, once we settle. I'm getting. When I started, it was like, I don't know, you're getting 55 grand a year. And then when my contract is settled for 155 grand, you guys owe me 100 grand at the end of the year or wherever it works out. So I was content just to go to work and just go, look, I'll, we'll settle this, but I'll go to work. And knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that this thing would probably get worked out or settled out somewhere. Now, I assume, assume that they wanted me to leave, because that's what you do if you wanted someone to leave. But on the other hand, it's like, why would they want me to leave and Drew to stay? And like I said, they're dumb if they're smart. They just whack his pain half and whack my pain half and overall save more money. But they decided to do it this way. And I don't know what kind of chemistry you're trying to create here or whatever, but coincidentally, Drew started going on the road all the time. Like, Drew would go out and do these gigs. He was working for Trojan and Pfizer and doing all these things, and he would do all these paid gigs in New York. And what I would do is I would do the show with Dr. Bruce. So it was starting to get to me that he was off on the road getting a second paycheck while he was making three times as much as me. And I would never miss a day. But if I did, they just run. Best of if Drew had split, I'd come into work. And so it started to bother me that I was sitting there working while he was not working, getting paid three times as much as me, and then getting paid from Trojan to go to New York. Put a fucking condom on a cucumber. Look, mother, I'm telling you. So I'm sitting there one night, and it was one of the nights that I. He just happened to be very Busy. He was traveling and missing a lot of shows, and he would do some remotes and stuff like that, but I also have to cover for him. And one night, some band came in, like, oh, Jesus, what the hell's that? Van at the drive in? Or they're Lincoln, I think it was Lincoln Park. And they came in, and they were like, hey, man, we're collecting money for Katrina relief or whatever it is. I can't remember.

[Alana Ubach]

How about my paycheck?

[Adam Carolla]

And. And some tsunami relief or something? And they're like, what can we put you down for? And I said, you put me down for five grand. So I put me down for five grand. And then the next night, Drew showed up, and I said, hey, man, you missed Lincoln park and you missed five grand. And ironically, you were making money somewhere and then making triple what I'm making while I'm sitting here, and you weren't here while they were hitting me up. So I'm not telling you how much to give, but you should give some money to that thing. And he's like, all right. And it was like a week later, I said, you ever gave any money, that Katrina relief thing or something? He's like, no, I don't think so. And I said about a week later, I said, drew, how about it? Because I'm starting to get pissed off here. I'm getting paid a third of what you're making. I gave five grand. You're out making 15 grand. Well, I gave five grand for you, so how about you just give. And I'm not telling you give five grand. I symbolically want you to give a hundred dollars to fucking Katrina relief, God damn it. And he was like, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And that's the spirit.

[Alana Ubach]

Pretty sure it was Sri Lanka.

[Adam Carolla]

Sri Lanka. All right.

[Alana Ubach]

Tsunami.

[Adam Carolla]

Tsunami. Week went by. Another week went by, and then at a certain point, he just said, yeah, not gonna do it. And I was just like, oh, God damn. God damn. And the reason I fired my radio agent is I just said to him, listen, I said, there's safety in numbers here. If Drew signs his contract, I'm swinging out in the wind. And plus, I was pissed because Loveline was nothing when I got there. I don't do too many of these, hey, everyone, look at me speeches. I bitch about everything else, but I don't blow too much sunshine up my own ass. But hang on. I got there, we had one fucking affiliate. When I left that place, we had 125 affiliates. When I got there, Drew was making, I don't know, 80 grand, 90 grand, whatever. When I left, he was making almost a million dollars. When I got. There was no TV show. I got our money doubled on the TV show. I held out on season three of the TV show, and I got it. It was always favorite nations all the way across the board. We got paid the same all the time. I never said, I'm the star, I'm the guy doing the man show. I'm the guy who's doing all the talking here. I can do this show. I want to get more because I'm interviewing the guests and I'm the lead and blah, blah, blah. It's always favorite nations. And I just said to my. To my agent, who was his agent, I just said, hey, Bob, don't. Don't let Drew sign that contract. We have to get together. We have to get on the same page. I'm not going to tell him not to do it. I'm not going to do it. You know, I'm not going to forbid him from doing anything. But we need to get on the page.

[Teresa Strasser]

Remember when they all said, nobody signs?

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as he signs his contract, I'm flapping out in the wind. And then at some point, my agent Bob called me and he said, oh, oh, and by the way, Drew did sign his contract. And I was like. When? He's like, I can't remember. It's been a little while. A little bit and a little bit. And I was like, drew, you tell me when you signed that contract. Tell me before. And by the way, I'd worked for that company for a year with no contract. You can work with no contract easily. So he signed it, and I told my agent, bob, hey, Bob, you're fired.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was it calm like that?

[Adam Carolla]

I just said, goodbye, Goodbye, you're done. And then there was a $10 million deal for Howard Stern that he didn't see a fucking penny.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just before that. So sweet. That's life taking care of both parties. Because first of all, he got his due. But then look what happened to the decision makers. Look what happened to Loveline as a product after you left. I mean, is it even still? It's on.

[Adam Carolla]

But Dr. Drew, in the his relevant or. I don't know, are you trying to get rid of me? Why? Whoever came up with this plan, why are you doing this if I'm in? One of the few names in the. In the kitty for replacing Howard Stern, and I only got that. It's not like Jack Silver ever chose me. They did a poll of the list.

[Teresa Strasser]

Number one was what's his face that went nuts. And then you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Dave Coulier.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dave Chappelle.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Alana Ubach]

Didn't Dave Chappelle feel a little bit weird? You guys are really good friends. Wouldn't he feel like that's just not cool to do, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? In a nice wrap up of Tales from the Cheap, I called Drew and I just said, listen, I've heard of no better guy to do this with than me, because I have. I don't give a. I'm the guy you can hit with a baseball bat. I don't care. So I said, look, Drew, I understand that this is an Achilles heel for you, and I understand that money's an issue. And I understand your wife got involved with this. And I understand everything. And paying for the triplets in the college and everything, expenses. And this lives out on an island. I know you're really good guy, and I'm going to focus on that and I'm going to treat this as a totally separate incident.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's hard to imagine him doing something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's a good guy. He's the greatest guy who basically got sucked into this sort of thing and, you know, made a bad decision. But this is not a serial killer. It's a guy had a few pops and ran someone over. Ran over a busboy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Manslaughter,

[Alana Ubach]

like, pits people in weird situations. Like, that's just an uncomfortable. We had.

[Adam Carolla]

I had it out with him. I mean, didn't have it out. I just said, look, I know you're a good guy, and I know this is a weakness of yours, and I know there are other extenuating circumstances. I don't make any excuses for my agent. He's gone. But. And again, he's not a bad guy either. He just made a bad decision. He made a bad decision, and bad decisions oftentimes pass with zero consequences, and then sometimes they're huge consequences.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's what I like about that story and what I'd like to teach my child that you. That in no way did you take that personally. You sort of understood it was his Achilles heel and that it was on an island and it didn't necessarily reflect him overall or his relationship to you. It wasn't a fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why. It's. It's a very narcissistic thing to take things as a fuck. You know, this was. I love money, not I hate Adam.

[Alana Ubach]

And you know how he feels about your.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know I was completely secure in my ability. I was like, I know I'm good at this. Job. I know I'm doing a great job. I know I've helped the show. I've grown the show. I know Drew likes me. I know Drew respects me. And this is simply about money. And I didn't do anything. How can you do that to me? You know, this is. My ire was more about the company offering me less than a third of what I was making, expecting me to sit next to him. The explosion with Drew came when he didn't give to the Sri Lanka thing. That fucking pissed me off, because that was just a twisting of a very rusty sword that was in my side. And that was my agent. Not tactically. I didn't fire him as a fu. I fired him as a. Hey, buddy, if you're not good enough to figure this one out, if you don't understand that we have all the leverage in the world while we're together and no leverage at all once they split us up and get one of us to sign a contract, then you don't. You don't know your job well enough. James. Baby Doll Dixon would have never fucked. And I will say this about the great Jimmy Kimmel. Not for a second, not for a fleeting, hot second, not for just a. Just a flutter of a hummingbird's wing, would he have ever, ever thought about taking more money than me for doing the man show? Crank anchors, anything? Not for a second. Favorite nations all the way around. Would never. I mean, that's one thing about Kimmel you can never question. Never for a second thought about that. But they're different, and they're different guys, and they're both. Were my partners, and they're still great friends, and I understand that. They're different people.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, this brings me back to my book, because Dr. Drew was kind enough to write a blurb.

[Adam Carolla]

Great guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

And he read the book and he read.

[Adam Carolla]

Best 80 bucks he ever spent.

[Teresa Strasser]

I paid him 90. I didn't know I could have paid him 80.

[Adam Carolla]

10 went to Bob, his agent. All right. Exploiting My Baby is the name of the book. Oh. Couple of words about Pinnacle College. I should hope our kids end up there. T, you always want to work in music. Technology is now on your side. Pinnacle College can show you the way. They've got computers and music software, all the applications. They'll teach you the necessary software like Apple Logic Pro Tools and Cubase. Classes start on the 31st of their own, Dawson. It's going there on the 24th. Although he could be stoned and messing this up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Up.

[Adam Carolla]

That was what Maddie told me. Okay. Distancing himself January 31st. And Dawson's gonna be there learning some new tricks. Even the old dog, even the master. Contact pinnacle college at pinnaclecollege. Edu. It's basically a college for engineering and getting into the music. You want to be in the music industry, but you can't sing or play the bass guitar. You go to pinnacle college, you contact them at pinnaclecollege. Edu and you call them at 877-206-6206. And speaking of Ace in the computer, go to meeting. These guys are great. You don't want to travel. Who wants to go through that body cavity search and that scanning machine? I went through the thing the other day and like Sacramento, my arms weren't held high enough, so the guy had to pat me down. Well, they don't tell you. They just go, go into the machine. You go in the machine and then you go, there I am. And then the thing z zips around you. And then at a certain point, it's like. It's like it's sort of shaped. It's sort of like one of those fruit dehydrators. You know, you just stand. It's a weird thing. And I didn't have my hands high enough. Who the hell wants to deal with all that? Don't leave your office. Go to meeting. You can put whatever's on your screen on everyone else's screen on their computer, no matter where they are. And it takes just two minutes to set up and download. And you can get started, schedule meetings, and then you can. You can click to the link and it'll be on your desktop. And what's on your desktop will be on everyone else's desktop. My listeners can try GoToMeeting free for 45 days. Promo code Adam. That's right. GoToMeeting.com GoToMeeting.com free 45 days promo code Adam. And that's about it for the show. Very cathartic. It was good to be back, T. You bring out the best in me, baby.

[Alana Ubach]

Great seeing you. Congratulations on your book.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, thank you. And good luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Exploiting my baby. The water breaks on the 4th of January. So until next time, this Adam Crawford, Teresa strasser, Jessica golden, and bald Brian saying mahalo. All right, this is Adam for the show 468 after Teresa at the part of the show returning as a guest within roughly 50 episodes.

[Andy Fickman]

Pretty impressive.

[Teresa Strasser]

That does it for Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

Cool classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth isn't it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Andy Fickman]

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[Adam Carolla]

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