Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics) Release Date: January 12, 2025

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Introduction In this classic episode of The Adam Carolla Show, host Adam Carolla engages in candid and often contentious discussions with regular contributors Allison Rosen, Giovanni, Bald Brian, and Dawson. Recorded in 2011, this episode delves into a variety of topics ranging from international incidents to personal grievances, all delivered with the show's signature humor and unfiltered commentary.

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1. Lockerbie Bombing and Political Outrage The episode kicks off with Allison Rosen expressing intense frustration over the aftermath of the Lockerbie bombing. She criticizes the international community for seemingly letting the perpetrator live in luxury despite his heinous crime of murdering 250+ innocent passengers.

• Allison Rosen [00:45]: "If the guy who fucking blew up Lockerbie... he returns to Libya to a... It was like a naked gun. All the Libyans are out in the streets cheering for the guy like he just scored the winning goal in the World Cup."

Allison proposes extreme measures against the bomber, highlighting her disdain for both authoritarian regimes and perceived double standards in moral outrage.

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2. Frustrations with Trash Collection Services Transitioning to more domestic issues, Allison vents about the inefficiencies and perceived apathy of local trash collectors. She laments the lack of competition among trash collection companies, which she believes leads to subpar service.

• Allison Rosen [13:00]: "They get paid whether they pick up your garbage or not. As soon as you create an environment where they don't get paid... it's zero in it for them to get out of the truck and straighten out the garbage can."

The conversation underscores common urban frustrations with service industries and the impact of monopolies on quality and accountability.

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3. Food Preferences and the Trail Mix Debate A recurring theme in the episode revolves around Allison's aversion to trail mix and certain pizza toppings. She uses these preferences to illustrate broader points about consumer choices and satisfaction.

• Allison Rosen [21:28]: "Nobody likes trail mix. You eat the parts you like, and eventually, you're left with the dustiest, least appealing bits."

This segment humorously critiques the concept of mixed products, emphasizing the frustration of not having control over the final outcome.

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4. Personal Challenges: Parenting and Pet Care Allison shares personal anecdotes about parenting, including the challenges of walking her blind dog, Molly.

• Allison Rosen [75:06]: "Molly fell in the pool. She's blind and can't swim. So now, when I let her out, I gotta stand guard by the pool."

These stories add a personal and relatable dimension to the episode, highlighting the everyday struggles faced by parents and pet owners.

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5. "Blah Blah Blah" Games: Celebrity Matching The hosts engage in a playful segment where they match celebrities to outrageous online rants. This game showcases their quick wit and ability to satirize public figures.

• Bald Brian [42:59]: "Is it Dave Matthews, Elton John, or Richard Branson?"
• Allison Rosen [43:19]: "I’m going with Elton John."

The segment is both entertaining and critical, reflecting the hosts' perspectives on celebrity culture.

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6. News Commentaries: Scandals and Public Figures The episode covers significant news topics, including the sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain and the Joe Paterno-Sandusky scandal.

• Adam Carolla [126:55]: "Herman Cain vehemently denied all sexual harassment allegations... 'They simply didn't happen.'"

These discussions provide incisive commentary on high-profile scandals, questioning the credibility and accountability of influential figures.

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7. Audience Interaction: Relationship Advice and Personal Stories Listeners call in with personal dilemmas, seeking advice on relationships and family issues. The hosts respond with their characteristic bluntness and humor.

• Caller [135:01]: "I've been seeing this girl for coming on about three years now... I'm teetering on that..."
• Allison Rosen [136:06]: "If you're 32 and you're kind of going, he doesn't... I don't see this one ending in marriage and kids."

These interactions offer a glimpse into the show's community dynamics and the hosts' approaches to real-life problems.

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8. Sponsor Promotions and Advertisements Throughout the episode, the hosts incorporate promotional segments for sponsors like NetCredit, OnDeck, and Stamps.com. These ads are seamlessly integrated into the conversations, maintaining the show's flow while highlighting relevant services.

• Allison Rosen [130:11]: "Stamps.com, you can print official US postage using your own computer. Save yourself a bunch of money and don't leave your house."

While primarily promotional, these segments are delivered in a manner consistent with the show's informal and conversational style.

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Conclusion This episode of The Adam Carolla Show quintessentially captures the blend of humor, frustration, and candid discussion that fans have come to expect. From international political critiques to personal anecdotes and playful games, Carolla and his team navigate a wide array of topics with unfiltered honesty and relentless comedic flair. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the show, this episode offers a comprehensive look at the show's dynamic and engaging content.

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Note: Timestamps are indicative and correspond to the transcript provided.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of.

[Allison Rosen]

The Adam Corolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Corolla Classics.

[Giovanni]

The ad free archive is exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack. Make sure to check out adamcorla.substack.com where you can also get access to Beat It Out, a brand new show currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcarollo.com Next we have Adam Corolla Show 684, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, we're talking about the new leader of Libya and you know, I'd like to throw my bizarre hat in the ring. I know they don't wear normal hats over there.

[Adam Carolla]

What hat would it be if you threw it in?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, whatever it is, it's somewhere. It's funny that those guys wear something like a yarmulke because they all hate Jews. So it's ironic that you guys have basically the same taste in hats. Maybe you're not so different after all. That's where I would start. They both wear bird's eye view.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not so different.

[Allison Rosen]

They wear weird. Yeah, they both wear anyway to a predator drone.

[Giovanni]

You're all the same.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right. Maybe that's part of the plan. I was thinking and I did like a lazy Google search and I got about halfway into it and then I realized this is too much reading for me. I've already exceeded my limit for the week. Then I got tired, I got a nap, I got goo and went to a weird website. The point is this. I thought the guy, the locker bee bomber, is that motherfucker still alive? Because I know he was in pretty bad shape to toward the end of August, but I wonder if he outlived Qaddafi. And then I thought, I'm gonna be pissed. I'm gonna be pissed. If the Lockerbie guy, it's been two years, over two years now. If the guy who fucking blew up Lockerbie. And I don't understand why there's a certain amount of sort of moral outrage we have in this country and it's usually reserved for the guys on Wall street and that kind of stuff. We don't seem to have enough for the countries that let the guys who blew up pan AM flight, 300 people in it out of jail.

[Giovanni]

Can I ask you a Question that all the other people listening are asking. Certainly I know. What is Lockerbie?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the flight, the Pan AM flight, the 747 that had like, I don't know, 250 something people in it that blew up over Lockerbie.

[Giovanni]

Lockerbie was where it blew up.

[Allison Rosen]

Lockerbie is where it blew up. Yeah. And that was one of those sort of state sponsored, sort of Libya behind it. And then the guy. It's the world at its worst. The guy blows up 250something innocent souls, then he goes to jail, then he has a life threatening illness. So with what they claim is eight weeks left to live, they let him out. I don't know why they let him out. He still killed. The 250 people didn't get let out of the fucking ground, did they?

[Adam Carolla]

No, 243 people and 16 crew members. Those are the victims.

[Allison Rosen]

And 16 crew members.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What did they. They have to break it down that way. 243 people, passengers and. All right, so that's 250 something people. Right. All right, so there we go. They let the guy fucking out of jail. He returns to Libya to a. It was like. It was like a naked gun. When Weird Al was getting off the plane, I mean, he literally. That's how he was. Great scene. When he returns, all the Libyans are out. They're out in the streets cheering for the guy like he just scored the fucking winning goal in the World cup or something.

[Adam Carolla]

They're really easy cheerers over there. I feel like it's not hard to get them to cheer.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, wait.

[Giovanni]

Weird coincidence, by the way, when Frank Durbin came off the plane, remember he had just beaten up all those other world leaders in the opening scene, including more Marmar Gaddafi.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, I swear to God, people do that, you know, they think I'm nuts. I'm not. When I'm in charge, I want one of those fucking Predator drones that's just my own. And I'm gonna say, listen, I got a little special mission. What's that? The 767 with the guy who took down the Lockerbie flight? Yeah. He's gonna be landing in Libya at about 8 o'clock tonight. I want you to go ahead and just run a pretty lazy circle over the top of that airport. And then what? Well, when he gets off the plane, if there's a large crowd that's cheering for him, I want them all evaporated. I want everyone who's fucking showed up at the airport to hold up signs. That's with foam fingers. You know, the Big number one. And all the ones that are cheering and throwing their fucking hats in the air, I want them all out. And the answer would be why? And I'd say why not? That doesn't, doesn't matter to me. First off, who any of those people gonna do us any good? No. A lot of potential harm there. Yeah, take them all out. And this guy. No, no, you know what? Better. When the plane is landing, I want you to take it out while it's still in the air so this guy can experience the horror of going down in a commercial jet aircraft. And then I would also then like you to just do open up on the crowd that's waiting to cheer for him. And that way we'll take him out and he'll get to experience that. So this ass wipe gets fucking out of prison for some. I don't know what they said.

[Adam Carolla]

He's at death's door.

[Allison Rosen]

Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I know you die in prison then. What do you mean? Oh, he's sick. Well, that's different. Let's let him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he's faking it too.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he's still alive. Yeah, he's been out for two years. He's living in like a luxury villa really. He outlived Mormar.

[Giovanni]

Maybe death's door is one of those things that stops the door. It comes up from the floor. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Death's door stopper.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly. Jesus Christ. And I also love the fact that this is not the cause of really any outrage in this country. No, no, no, no problemo there. We somehow brought that upon ourselves. But these guys at Wall street now, they need to be stopped. How come? Where's fucking Bruce Springsteen? Where's Bono? Where are the voices? Come on, let's hear it. Let's. Come on. Richard Gere. Come on, speak up. Come on.

[Giovanni]

Loud mouths he doesn't sing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, all you assholes and never stop fucking complaining about everything. How about a little something about this guy? Nah, nah, nah. We'll just remain silent on the guy kills 250 people. But the Wall street guys, now that's a different situation. We gotta get down there and stop that.

[Giovanni]

What's the name of the plane? Makes perfect sense that the plane went down.

[Allison Rosen]

Lockerbie.

[Giovanni]

Occupy Lockerbie.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Occupy Lockerbie is how I would say it.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, the guy got out in like August of 09 or something. I think it's been over two years. Could somebody fucking kill this guy and all the people that met him at the airport to the hero's welcome.

[Giovanni]

The Beatlesque welcome.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesus Christ, what a fucked up piece of shit Libya is. I mean. Oh, and here's.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're gonna throw your weird hat in the room.

[Allison Rosen]

No, they're fucking doome. Listen, Olaf said it a million times. They do that thing all the time. And I go, it is not, it's not the people, it's the leaders. What part of Canada did you get the leaders from? You got them from Libya. Libya, you get it. You'll get a new set of tyrannical leaders in there to fuck up your piece of shit. That's how it works. You want to find a fucking mirror? I swear to God, that thing. Reverend just nods her head. Oh no, no, no. The people, no, they're proud, they're hard working, they're honest, they love their kids. But the leaders, the leaders, oh really, where are they importing those leaders from?

[Giovanni]

Well, here's where the cycle stops.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Hey, can we dispel a rumor real quick? Because Alice and I be getting a lot of tweets. You know, we're doing shows where it's just you, you from New York and then these shows where we're on, off and on. We got a lot of tweets because people, I think pick and choose their podcast or they don't listen necessarily in order. And people have been tweeting me saying, hey, alright, health wise, are you doing good? Alison?

[Adam Carolla]

They're asking, Brian's dying and then I've been fired.

[Giovanni]

Can you confirm that? I'm not dying and Alison has not been fired.

[Allison Rosen]

True, but I have, as far as you know, I have full blown aids. Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always the last thing you expect.

[Giovanni]

This is awkward.

[Allison Rosen]

No, listen, conspiracy theorists. I am working in New York. I would tell you what I was working on in New York but I'm not allowed to tell you what I'm working on in New York. And consequently, consequently, I'm sort of going back and forth from LA to New York more in New York than la. And in the meantime what we're trying to do is get some podcasts under a belt. When I'm out here in LA and when I'm in New York, we're trying to do the stuff like you heard the interesting kind of one on ones and it's sort of catch as catch can try to get Jon Stewart or we already got something set up with Jon Stewart. We have to sort of figure out my schedule. We're going to get Alec Baldwin again. It's a schedule related thing. But we're trying to make all that happen. The Mike Judge thing was just sort of serendipity. He was in town for Comic Con. Sure. He was in love with that and happened to be staying at a hotel down the street from mine. We went out to dinner. I said, could you come over to my hotel? So we got him to come in and Dave Attell and that kind of stuff. So what it should end up being is a nice mixture of some folks that we probably normally wouldn't get a chance to sit down with, like your Jon Stewarts and maybe your Stephen Colbert's and guys like that. And a weird sort of catch as catch can of I'm gonna go to Jon Stewart's, I'm going to the Daily show and after the show I'll sit down with him in his office and we'll do it sort of remote style. And then other times people will come into my hotel room and we'll up there and then other times I'll come back here and we'll do this. But just a kind of a mishmash for the next few weeks of what should prove to be interesting. I hope there's not a drop off. I'm hoping it's more just an interesting variety pack. I love the traditional format and I like working with you guys. Physically impossible for some of the podcasts, but I hope that should make for an interesting one on one with Lou Ferrigno, who I probably wouldn't get a one on one with and do that format with anyway. So can't get Lou. Come on. I mean I couldn't take away. I wouldn't think of it. I think he's an east coast guy and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. But anyway, so the guy who took down the Pan am flight with 250something people on it, he's still alive. More Marmar dead and he's been alive over two years after he's been out of the joint. And I just ask the family, you know, there were. I'm sure that plane had many a 19 year old student, you know, beautiful young girl, went to Ireland or Scotland or wherever the hell she was to go. To go. Yeah, go spring break at Lake McAvasu. No, I mean if you're the. Yeah. If you're the parent. If you're the parent of a child that was on, I don't know, their whatever group, their soccer team or church group or something. All always one of those flights with a group of whatever young 18 year old girls are going, whatever. If you're that fucking Parent and you know this piece of shit got out of prison and then basically sitting in a luxury villa and he's supposed to be out a cuz he's dead, which is spurious anyway. Like so what? You just fucking die in prison. Secondly, he doesn't have weeks or months to live. He's now going on two years. And the last two years of your life just sort of wearing a nice bathrobe and slippers, drinking coffee, looking at a view, being anally raped. You know what I mean? How would you fucking feel as parents of the parents of one of those victims?

[Adam Carolla]

Angry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, the fucking guy. Good mormor's dead. Drag him through the fucking streets. But don't worry, they'll have another shitty government in place lickety split and the place will be a mess again. Why people.

[Giovanni]

Maybe now they can focus on their space program.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone's been reading my tweets.

[Adam Carolla]

Anger, Adam. I have a bit of the anger that you have directed at the city of Los Angeles. Oh good, let's hear it. Well, because now I live here and they are not picking up my trash and I think I have my trash cans in the wrong place. However, I feel like, come on, how much? How like asshole ish are you going to be to not.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, listen, they have the robotic army.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it not go a little bit that direction?

[Allison Rosen]

The robotic arm. I've had this happen a million times. And especially you're renting now. Yes, well wait till you own. Because when you own a house, especially if it's not a cheap house, you will pay thousands and thousands of dollars of taxes just on that property, on that house. Brian, you starting to feel my pain?

[Giovanni]

I missed trash day the other week. Embarrassing. Devastating.

[Allison Rosen]

And once you start paying.

[Adam Carolla]

I pay $8 a month for trash.

[Allison Rosen]

Once you start paying thousands in taxes a year, you really get pissed because yeah, the trash cans were out, but they weren't at a 90 degree angle to the whatever and it was slipped 20 degrees toward the south by southwest and the arm. And by the way the guys don't get out of the truck and straighten them out. They just keep driving. And. Or you could have some bundles of wood or some. You, you chop a tree down and you bundle up some of the branches and you put them out there and if they weigh more than 30 pounds they won't throw them in. And you have to call for large item pickup. And it's like I haven't screamed about this in a long time, but look at the top of the fucking application. First off, garbage men and these guys get paid pretty damn good for what they do. You're fucking garbage man. The point is this. At the top of the application for garbage man, it should say, are you a dick if you have a problem? Just below that, it should say, if you have a problem getting out of your vehicle, yes. Then didn't crumple up this fucking app and throw it away right now because I need you. When you pull up in front of the house, and again, especially if it's the big house up on the hill and that guy's paying a grand a month in taxes, I need you to go ahead and slip out and throw that bundle of fucking twigs into the back of the hopper. Or if the garbage can is not facing quite the right way, I need you to straighten it out so that. Or if it's something's bulging out of the top of it, or leave a.

[Adam Carolla]

Note or something so that I don't have to do this. 20 questions of figuring out why it is that this is happening.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, as I've said a million times, they're not competing with your bit for your business.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

They get paid whether they pick up your garbage or not. As soon as you create an environment where they don't get paid. If they pick up your garbage, then they hop out of the truck and they do it. Soon as there's three or four garbage companies vying for your attention, your contract, and your money, Then you got the guys who jump out and straighten it out. As soon as you lock off the contract, give it to them. As a matter of fact, not only do they get paid if they don't pick up your garbage, they get paid a little more if they don't, because they just get to the next place a little faster and they get back a little faster. Point is, zero in it for them to get out of the truck and straighten out the garbage can. Now, decency would suggest that they do that, but that's completely out the window. Yeah, of course.

[Giovanni]

That's so funny, because the one good thing about my old apartment, the one good thing was that there was, I guess, a competition for multiple, you know, accounts and the garbage bins in the neighborhood. Because the guys would get out of the garbage truck, would run, run back to the back of my apartment, wheel out the dumpster, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You have seen get it dumped and.

[Giovanni]

Run back and get on the next house.

[Allison Rosen]

It hustled me. If you own an apartment building, that dumpster that's in the back of the apartment building is not handled by the city. That's contracted out. And those guys you literally see running like, you see UPS guys running. Those guys run. The guys who do the private contracting on the stuff, they go running out. They spin the thing around. It's a feast for the eyes. It's like a ballet, a trash ballet. They'll spin the thing around, and, like, one guy will be pushing while the other guy's guiding. They hook it up to the two prongs. The arm goes and does the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm getting turned on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It should be an Olympic trial sport. Ribbons everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Majesty judges.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. So the point is, yeah, those guys haul ass. Why? They got a contract, and somebody told those guys, you got to get to every apartment building and you have 25 of them, and there's only eight hours in the day. So hustle. And that's what happens. Once the city comes around, it's like, fuck you and your can. That's not facing Mecca.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe I should rent a dumpster.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what you should do. All right. Do you. Have you got some news, by the way? What do we got? Oh, I want to ask you guys a question. Chris, one of our fine employees here brought a bunch. Poor son of a bitch. He brought a whole bunch of donuts today. And that's nice, but I'm on a diet, so it's academic for me. I wouldn't be eating them even if they were edible.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris just split his wrists.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Now I have this thing in life, I think there's certain things we do that nobody really likes, but they've just become sort of carved into the fabric of our society, and that's that. It's my trail mix theory of life. Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly. I don't think anyone likes trail mix. They eat trail mix. They'll pick out pieces that they like from trail mix. If there's honey roasted peanuts or smoked almonds or just about a cashews, you know, roasted cashews, or almost anything, they'll eat that over the trail mix, Right? And then eventually the trail mix gets left behind, and then eventually that gets consumed. So here's how Netcredit is here to say yes, because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and service by Netcredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partners. NetCredit credit to the people. Building a business may feel like a big jump, but on deck, small business loans can help keep you afloat with lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to 250,000. OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business. As a top rated online small business lender, Ondeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit ondeck.com for more information. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by On Deck or Celtic Bank. On Deck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amount subject to lender approval. Life works. Life works like this. There's some pa. The PA works on a production. That guy's in charge of going to Smart and Final or Costco and just buying tubs of shit to spread out so that crew members and talent can snack throughout the course of the day. That guy, because he doesn't want to make any judgment calls, gets a thing of smoked almond, he gets a thing of cashews, he gets a thing of peanuts, and he gets a thing of trail mix. Those all then get dumped into a bowl. The smoked almonds get devoured, then go the cashews, then go the peanuts. Then the trail mix gets picked out one piece at a time. Like, I'm gonna take the M and Ms. Out. I like those. And then the smoked almonds, by the way, the stuff that ironically was in the other hoppers next to it will get picked out second. And eventually they'll just be one of those weird woven wooden plasticky bowls that has a bunch of dust, a bunch of sunflower seeds and then dust, and then some broken off weird colored pieces like black raisins and then weird pieces of M&Ms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

At the bottom. And then somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

And these little white things look like turds that are actually dates, right?

[Allison Rosen]

And then somebody. And some of the weird dust that was on that. And then somebody says, all right, we're out of trail mix. Go out and get some more. So sisyphusy trail mix. And no one ever stops and goes, does anyone like trail mix? Because they did a fucking show of hands. Who likes trail mix? Everyone Go, no. People would say, I like two or three of the components that are in trail mix, but I do not like trail mix. And calorically, you might as well just eat hands of fucking lard. Handfuls of lard.

[Giovanni]

Like, you're 100% right. You made the same point with pepperoni pizza. And it's exactly right. It's all the other pizzas get eaten first and eventually the pepperoni. And then it's like, it's just. You're right. It's the people who don't want to make the judgment call. It's like better get something everyone likes when it's rarely get something that everyone tolerates.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll give you a semi decent example this and remind me to get back to the donuts. We were on the road.

[Giovanni]

Something tells me you don't want to be reminding.

[Allison Rosen]

We were on the road a few weeks ago and we were in Atlanta and my buddy Larry wax, one of the regular guys out there, does a radio show, used to work out here. Good guy. He hung out with us and he said, you know, there's a really good pizza place in town. And I said, oh good. Because we did the show. We didn't really eat. We flew in that day. We all want to go out and get a gourmet really good pizza. And Mike lynch loves it. Mike August. So all four of us go out to this pizza joint. So we're all just sort of sitting there. There's Larry and we're all just sort of sitting at this pizza joint and they're all. All the pizzas are sort of individual style pizza. You order your pizza. So we're all four of us sitting at the table and. And Mike lynch, you might have to help me out with this. But I look down and I see meatball and onion. And I go, well, there, there's my pizza. So I order the meatball. I say, all right, I'm going down for the meatball and onion. And then Mike looks at his and he, you know, and we come to the consensus. Well, everyone likes meatball and onion, but we're all going to order pizza and share, so let's mix it up. So Mike, you order the. I got like the white pizza and it had like the spinach on top, right? And. But not even the cooked spinach like the spinach. Yeah, it was straight up, just raw arugula, lawn trimmings dumped on top. And then someone else gets the margarita thing with like the tomato and whatever. And then someone else gets the fourth one. And all the pizzas come and everyone devours the onion and meatball. And eventually at the end, we're all sort of staring down the barrel of the lawn trimmings with the white shit on it. The ricotta with the thing that Mike ordered. Now it's not Mike's fault. We all announce we should all order a different pizza. But we shouldn't have. We should have ordered three of the fucking meatball and onion because we all love those. And then Just one cheese or something. But we all. We did the whole variety thing. Everyone loved the meatball and onion. And by the time we got to the lawn trimmings, no one liked it. A day hasn't gone by where I haven't regretted that. I hope. Yeah. By the way, when you pass away, push that regret along to your family so that they can continue the tour. You're going. I mean, a white pizza is typically a good choice. I do love the ricotta, but it was covered in this. Like, it had lemon on it, too. It was just. They fucked it up. But somebody should have said at a certain point, look, first off, Mike August eats like a fucking pelican. That's high. It doesn't fucking matter. What if it's free, it's going in, it's gone. It does not matter. Just he swallows it whole anyway. It doesn't matter what he's eating, so it's fine. But. But what we should have done is sort of looked around and I went like, listen, I like meatball and onion a lot. Larry. Yes, Mike, Absolutely, Mike. Pelican Mike. So we should have stopped right there and went, let's get two meatball and onion, because we all fucking know we love these. It was definitely my fault because you. You ordered. I think it was. Yeah. You ordered first. And I was thinking that was what I was gonna get. Ace got it first. I'm gonna get something different.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there some rule among men that you have to do this? Cause I have two guy friends who are explaining that if they go out to dinner together on a hot date with each other, they. Not really. They make sure to order two separate things.

[Allison Rosen]

Some ass white once said, variety is the spice of life. And it's not wrong. It's not really the spice of life. We would have been fine with two, you know, two onion and meatball pizzas. But this is getting back to my trail mix. Somebody said, and, Mike, don't leave because I got my fucking savory mix rant to do in a second here. This driving me nuts. That's for the flight home. But somebody does this with the trail mix. And the point is, is we don't like trail mix. We like smoked almonds and. Or peanuts and cashews. And if you can't find it, if there's peanut M and Ms, smoked almonds, regular M&Ms. And cashews, and you don't see anything on the table, you like, go fuck yourself. I don't give a shit. At that point, you're fucking snob. You Know like, you're like, I need a yogurt ball. Fuck yourself then go get jobs somewhere else, ass wipe. We're not here to satisfy your delicate taste sense, you know. So now, where were we? Ah, the donuts. And don't, don't let me forget about my savory mix either. The donuts, they have cake donuts. That's the traditional donut, the old fashioned style. They're smaller and then they have the old Fashioned. Yeah. Then they have the raised style, which are much puffier and bigger.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, you love the traditional. Like a Krispy Kreme. Like a donut.

[Allison Rosen]

Krispy Kreme. Right.

[Giovanni]

Homer Simpson donut.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like the raised style. There's just a lot of air in them to me. And for some reason, they're no good for dunking. Number one, they're not good to have a bowl. They're bad coffee. And even if you had a saucer large enough to dunk it in, it's the wrong. It's. It's the wrong consistency for dunking. It's too porous and it's glazed shut. Too glazed shut. Sealed for your protection. No coffee, even the blackest, richest Colombian blend cannot penetrate that glaze.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's wearing a chastity belt of glaze.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. And so when people order donuts like Chris did, they come in with a baker's dozen, and it's always 8 or 10 of the raised variety with 2 or 3 of the cake variety, which are quickly consumed. And then people live with the glaze with the raised one for a while, and those are eventually consumed and thus the message is sent. You see what I mean? But do not look at what is eventually eaten, because eventually all the trail mix will be eaten. Look, if you put a bowl out that just had rabbit shit in it, eventually it would get consumed. But that doesn't mean people like rabbit shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone needs to take notice of what goes quick. Now, in that box of donuts, which are the ones you're talking about in your.

[Allison Rosen]

Go get the one Chris brought.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I meant the picture of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. There are nothing. There are no cake donuts left.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

There were one or two.

[Giovanni]

The Old Fashioned look like crowns.

[Allison Rosen]

The buttermilk is fine too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see. So these, these big things are the raised ones.

[Allison Rosen]

These are the raised ones filled with.

[Adam Carolla]

Cream or jelly or something?

[Allison Rosen]

No, they're filled with air.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Except for the one which looks like that. Now, these look spectacular, but no one wants to eat them.

[Adam Carolla]

Correct.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, how many of the cake were in this mix I saw zero somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

They were gone by the time there were three.

[Allison Rosen]

There were three. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And they apparently three cake.

[Allison Rosen]

So did we get. Did Chris buy a baker's dozen of these things? Yeah. Yeah. All right, so we have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

[Adam Carolla]

Powdery thing that looked like. Doesn't it look like maybe it was old fashioned?

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, sweetie, I don't know what kind of weird donut planet you come from.

[Giovanni]

I'm familiar with the ones that like crowns.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Old fashioned.

[Allison Rosen]

What are really. Is this confusing to you? The raised flake in the chocolate?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just saying there's a little one down there.

[Allison Rosen]

I appreciate the attempt, but. Oh, wait a minute. Hello. This does not have jelly in it. It's covered with shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Even a pig can stumble on a truffle sometimes.

[Allison Rosen]

There you go. You found your truffle. I did.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, there is one in there.

[Giovanni]

But it's old fashioned glazed right there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the kind of donut planet I come from.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, we're looking at buttermilk, I think, but it looks.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry for the attack. The point is this. It's covered with powdered sugar. So thus I think it was mistaken for a jelly donut. I cracked it in half and got to the bottom of that.

[Bald Brian]

And nobody wants to grab that when we're going to be close to electronic gear for the next few hours either. We don't need that powered sugar shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. The point is I got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and what was mistaken for 1, 9 left behind. So the point is the Baker's dozen of 13, the three cake were all consumed first. Yet the ratio will always be about 4 to 1 when someone goes on a donut run. This is my. This is my pepperoni pizza thing. I don't know why. And I don't think people like these donuts as much as they like the donut donuts. The best donut in the world. It's just the cake from Entenmann's. Like when you go to the super. I don't mean in the world, but I mean if you go to the supermarket, you just buy that just plain Entenmann's cake style that you could just dunk in some coffee or milk. That's right.

[Giovanni]

So it's your store bought pie versus your store bought cake analogy.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. We live in a society where we get trail mix and raised donuts and pepperoni and pizza with lawn shavings on it. Yet no One, I don't think. Really? I don't think they want that. Although. And this is also my Goobers Raisinets thing as well. Anyway, Chris, God bless you. You're a valued employee. I'm gonna put your donuts back out there so they can get covered in dust and tears. Okay? The good news is you're fired. You guys talk amongst yourselves for a second. Now, eventually, Dawson, after a couple of rips from a bong, as the sun starts to get lower in the sky, we'll get to those.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course he will.

[Bald Brian]

That could be two days from now, too.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. But eventually they will be consumed and then the message will be sent. Perfect ratio. When the fact is. Screwed up ratio. All right, anyway, it's a thought that counts. Now, where was I?

[Adam Carolla]

Savory mix.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. Listen, on the flight back from Atlanta, I got a silver packet that said Savory mix on it. It was not that packet that we're shown in the picture right now, but it was basically just a bunch of sodium and dried pretzel sticks and those weird dried cheddar y sticks.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, it looked like they migrated from some kind of Asian mix.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like they hopped out of the dish and made a run for it.

[Giovanni]

Quick footnote. Is there a law that the. The name of the mix must be inversely proportional to the quality of the mix?

[Allison Rosen]

Like Fiesta. Fiesta and Savory. Nothing savory about a bunch of fucking dried out, dusty, salty bullshit and their fiesta. I've not actually looked it up in a dictionary, but it has nothing to do with that fucking salty, dried, powdery shit that comes out of the F. Yeah, Fiesta mix is a fucking disaster. And the savory mix is a disaster. And I always dump it all out because there's always one almond in there. And I eat the one almond. And then eventually, if the flight's over two and a half hours, I will get to the. They'll have that teriyaki sticky kind of weird. Weird thing that's actually. You hate to admit that it's actually kind of enjoyable for some reason. Mainly just cause it's sweet and it's not cheddar. Yeah. Is that thing. That's right.

[Giovanni]

It's shaped like a toenail.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's the cheddar y thing.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the sesame. This is the sesame teriyaki stick.

[Giovanni]

Oh, pretzel.

[Adam Carolla]

It piggybacked on the cheddar thing.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a straight thing. I don't know what it is. You'll get to the almond stick. There's always one or two almonds in there. You get to those first and then the rest is a bunch of dust. But the point is this again, if this cannot. If this is not consumed on the ground, why is it in the air? You know, they know they've got you by the fucking short hairs. It's essentially.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the equivalent to the astronomical rape.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what you get in prison. What are your choices? Starve yourself, you get nothing. Or you get this bullshit. But the point is, is would this if there was a vending machine that had Cheetos and Bugles and, you know, corn nuts in it and then something that said savory mix in between or Fiesta Mix, Would anyone hit one of those when you got the fucking Cool Ranch Doritos? And there's a fucking choice.

[Giovanni]

I feel like I want to get burned by that at least once. But only once.

[Allison Rosen]

Once.

[Giovanni]

Like all savory wouldn't be.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no. It'd be one person in the office and then word would spread like wildfire.

[Adam Carolla]

There'd be a mass email probably.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably just to post it on the vending machine. Stay away, say I. By the way, it's the one thing I miss about radio is the angry post it on the vending machine. Lost 35 cents on Diet Pepsi free. Ang by, please. Correct with the large exclamation point at the end underlined three times. By. By the way, 47 year old fridge.

[Giovanni]

Will be cleaned out Friday at noon promptly. Everything not labeled will be discarded.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. No excuses will be accepted. Like it's. It's the greatest.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a French dip sandwich. It is missing. If you know anything about this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, not a half a French dip sandwich with a bite on there was clearly labeled and left in the fridge on Monday. On Friday I discovered, much to my horror and chagrin that it was missing. I mean, it's the greatest.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not the kind of environment we want to work in, is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Greatest thing ever. I would like to do a coffee table book called Refrigerators at a radio station. And you see Tupperware with like Sharpie written on the side that says the contents of this Tupperware are meant for Lisa R. And only Lisa R. That means you like underline like it's not like people get. I opened the fucking fridge at Kroc once. I found a Chef Boyardee ravioli can open with one ravioli at the bottom of it and a moistened paper towel pushed down on top of it. The person was Saving one ravioli. Now let me explain something. Average age at the radio station, 41 and a half. Average color white. Average income, $77,000. And this is the fridge. This is like some sort of funnel for fucking damaged psyches. And they all fucking. And somehow it all comes out at the fridge again. That thing where you put in a, you know, a buck to get a Pepsi out of a vending machine and it just takes your dollar. I'm walking away. The time that it takes to form the anti, you know, to sit there and crank out the manifesto and then duct tape it to the fucking front of the thing. Dear changer of, you know, your machine, I'm not blaming you, but you are the general and the machine is called.

[Adam Carolla]

Your 1, 800 number and did not get through. And before the note though, is that huge crashing of the person trying to shake the vending machine.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it's not a perfect system. Every once in a while somebody loses a buck in a vending machine and walks away without a Pepsi. Move on, move on. That is the one part I do miss. And again, the average income is way above the average income of, you know, guys that work at aluminum siding place. And the age, I mean, there's nobody in there, you know, this doesn't come from the interns. The average age is 40 something. It's just awesome. That, that part I do miss. But the point is this. Your fucking so called savory mix is not savory. Not by any stretch of the savory imagination. There's no definition of savory that I could find anywhere online that would line up with your fucking dry, salty, dusty bullshit powder that comes out of the foil. And again, if it cannot be sold on the ground, maybe shouldn't hand it out. And as I've said many times, how much does a sack of bugles cost?

[Giovanni]

Wouldn't the world be better if they gave out chewable vitamins like Flintstones vitamins.

[Allison Rosen]

If they got a cat to defecate in your mouth, it'd be better. The point is this the thing of fucking Doritos. And I know they do like, hey man, they got a mar. They're dealing on wafer thin margins.

[Adam Carolla]

Wholesale margins would be better.

[Allison Rosen]

If you run an airline. I would eat those. If you run an airline and you're gonna buy 7 million units of Doritos a year, what's that costing you? 11 cents a pack.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, really?

[Allison Rosen]

The savory mix isn't free, although it should be. I mean, it costs the airline a nickel a pack. Take the extra 6 cents and tack it on in my fucking ticket. It'll be the best day of my life. You know what I mean? You're paying $472 and 72 cents to go to Florida. What if it was just 79 cents instead of 72 cents and you got some fucking Bugles? That's my point. What difference would it fucking make? Or make some sort of deal with Bugles where like you'll be the official snack beverage of United Airlines. Fucking Gennaro Savory mix. It's super. And it's the worst thing you can put in your body because all it is is a bunch of of sodium, a bunch of preservatives, a bunch of food coloring, a bunch of starch, a bunch of sugar and a bunch of blue spinach. Yeah. Mixed with zero protein and zero nutrients and sometimes. And it just makes you thirsty and bloated.

[Adam Carolla]

If they're generous, they'll give you two packs.

[Giovanni]

God bless Southwest. We're just sticking with the peanuts. I just flew them the other day and still just the original peanuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. All right. I should talk to you about one of our fine, fine sponsors. Ah, Encore. That's right. Encore Life Insurance Services LLC. For free insurance quote. Why don't you give them a call today, 866-347-5748 or visit their website at smartterm.com Too bad Mormar didn't have some of this Encore, huh? Yeah. Thinking about getting some life insurance. Although he'd probably fall under high risk or maybe already have coverage.

[Giovanni]

Are you a desperate.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you despot? Are you fleeing? Are you looking for a sanctuary country? Check that box. Smoker. Despot.

[Adam Carolla]

Despot. Or you just want to look like one Fleeing?

[Allison Rosen]

Describe the spider hole. How many square feet is it? Does it have central heating in there? Don't pay too much. Call Encore. They can help you. They compare the premiums of highly rated insurers that they represent and then they find the best fit for you. Yeah, that's what they do. Let them work for you. Give them a call. 866-347-5748. Licensing and Disclaimer information can be found on their [e-mail] that is smartterm.com alright, we got a little blah, blah, blah. Look out world. Blah blah blah. I'm coming to Philly, Detroit, Chicago and Denver. Coming up, coming up pretty soon. So you may want to just go to AdamCarolla.com and you can check, check the theaters and dates, but if you're in one of those cities. I'm doing a live show, so check that out. Quick break, back with Blah blah blah. Next. Hey, Durham, North Carolina, Adam Carolla here. I know it's been a while. I got the twins, wife's all over me. You know how it goes. Anyway, I'm back and I'm doing a show. That's right, it's a holiday show. Thursday, January 19, 2017. Getting a jump on it. Just kidding. This January 19, of course. I'm gonna be at the Carolina theater and I hope to see you all there. What am I gonna be doing? None of your GD business. It'll be 90 minutes of me. I mean, I like to think of myself as the white male. Like if Rosa Parks was white and rich and drove a V8 Audi with climate control, that's who you're looking at. Rich, white, male, Rosa Parks. Tickets available at livenation.com and carolinatheater.org I'll see you January 19th.

[Bald Brian]

Adam Carolla at the Carolina Theater.

[Allison Rosen]

[e-mail] Due to recent production scheduling issues, I'll be unable to continue providing nightly live streaming of the Adam Carolla show. We will stream shows live when we can. I just wanted to take a moment to thank our amazing partner, Ustream and all Ustreamers. Get it? Ustreamers, that's you. Good stuff, Aceman. We'll keep you updated as things progress. We're working with Ustream right now to make sure you guys don't get screwed. We'll keep all current broadcasts up on our ustream channel, so if you are a subscriber, you'll still have access to those. If you have any questions about your subscription, send our friends at ustream an email at AdamCarola Stream TV. Thank you.

[Bald Brian]

It's time for Blah blah blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their retarded online rant.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's play. Yeah. Miss me some blah blah blah. All right, Dawson, you have the actual blogs. We will keep track of this. This was.

[Giovanni]

This was Teresa's game back in the day. I feel like it's anyone's game since she retired.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's really.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like it's my game.

[Allison Rosen]

No, clear.

[Giovanni]

Certainly not mine. I think I've won once in the history of this show.

[Allison Rosen]

No clear cut champion in the blah blah blah world. I just get pissed off because they was throwing that red herring that sucks me in and. Anyway, anyway, it's easy to figure me out.

[Giovanni]

Mike Lynch's game.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, lynch loves to fuck with me. Alright, here we go.

[Bald Brian]

Although it may pain me to do so. I feel I must defend Hank Williams Jr's right to make an analogy that compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. Although between you and me, Hank, if you just substituted a different tyrant, say Mussolini or Stalin or Naomi Campbell, I bet the reaction wouldn't have been so severe. Let me also say that I'm sorry ESPN parted ways with Williams after his remarks. Although not being a sports fan, I've never actually seen his work on that channel. Frankly, I'd rather go through menopause again than watch football on tv. But that's just me. Is it Joy Behar, Joan Cusack or Barbra Streisand?

[Allison Rosen]

Mmm, I'm going Joy Behar junk. Barbra Streisand is not gonna Forgive Hank Williams Jr. For this. She's gonna be very upset at this. Joan Cusack is out of it. We interviewed her on the radio, nicer than shit, but did one of these things that always drove me nuts. Like, she's from Chicago, so it's not like she was raised in Alaska. You know. You know, the people that don't know what you do or what things are like. I feel like before I did morning radio, I was aware of morning radio. Like, I knew that morning radio took place between about 6am and 10am and she did this thing at age, by the time. Well, Brian, you probably remember, but she, at this, at this point, she's in her mid to late 40s and she comes into the radio station and sort of sits down and we do an interview and we have our laughs. And, you know, she comes in and sits down about 9 o'clock and stays till 9:20 on a Wednesday. And then when we're done, she gives the. Well, that was really fun. That was fun. You guys are awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

She's like, when will this air?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, when will this air? And do you guys. So it's just Wednesdays every day. It's every day. And it's like, yeah, it's every day. And so what, at 9:00? No, it starts early every day then. Yeah. Oh, this is awesome. It's sort of like, sweetheart, you're from Chicago. It's a pretty big radio place. You're not in your 44 years not familiar with the morning show. How are you? It's a compliment, but it's also sort of condescending. Like, this was not painful and you were not a dick and this was kind of fun. But every day you do this. Like, no, I come in on Wednesdays from 9 to 9:20.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's your real job?

[Allison Rosen]

Interview the sisters of guys I'd rather have in studio. That's what I do. And actually I make $46 a week. Like, this is. Oh, this is crazy. That's cute. And I realized, all right, she's completely out of it. Little bit of a joke in here. I don't think Babs has a funny girl bone in her body, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'm going Joy Behar here.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, the joke was all right, right? That's a Joy Behar special.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'll tip the cap to whoever wrote that for Joy Behar.

[Giovanni]

And has Joan Cusack gone through menopause? He's like 50. Okay. Point is, I'm saying Joy Behar, Joy.

[Allison Rosen]

We're all on Joy.

[Giovanni]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't weighed in yet, but I'm gonna go Joy as well. Except there's part of me that feels like Joy would have put more jokes in there, but I'm going Joy.

[Bald Brian]

Everybody's on the board. The blog belongs to Joy Behar.

[Allison Rosen]

Alright, alright.

[Bald Brian]

Drought, violence and political instability have invited in the Grim Reaper on a scale we have not seen in 20 years. More than 30,000 children have died in just three months. The food crisis in the Horn of Africa is nothing short of a humanitarian catastrophe, but is getting less attention than the latest Hollywood breakups and makeups. Is it Bono, George Clooney or Scarlett Johansson?

[Allison Rosen]

Now it feels very Bono esque. Although Bono doesn't lay this stuff out without pointing a finger. Usually wants to know what the United States is going to do and why we're not doing anything about it. And as I've said many times. Where's he from? Ireland. Go back to fucking Ireland and bitch got a bunch of whities over there not doing shit about what's going on in Africa. Go bother them, would you? They're closer, right? They can get to Africa faster than we can, right? Go talk to your fucking countrymen, Bono, and find out why they're on their fucking arses over there not doing anything. Stop complaining. Go back to your own fucking country and complain, all right? And then it feels like Clooney, because this is Clooney. Africa is Clooney's place. That's where he's very concerned. But then there's a Scarlett Johansson and she's. I don't know why, but my spidey sense always. I can't stand her. I've never met her, right? And I love looking at her. Like, why is it someone I love looking at and I've never spoke to in My life. And I know I hate her already because.

[Adam Carolla]

You're very perceptive.

[Allison Rosen]

There's something wrong with her, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's probably her.

[Allison Rosen]

We know she's a bitch, right? Definitely. Why? Why?

[Adam Carolla]

This is about her. Yeah. I don't. I don't get a great sense of warmth from her either, but.

[Allison Rosen]

What? Why. What is it about Scarlett Johansson?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you never hear, oh, she's so nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But I don't feel like I need to hear that about her. There's something. I just feel like, you know what it is? It's insecurity. She would hate me. She would think of me as a buffoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you think that?

[Allison Rosen]

I know it. I don't think it. I'm going with Scarlett Johansson on this.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. It sounds like someone trying to sound like Bono. It's very melodramatic. The Grim Reaper. So there's not Clooney. Scarlett Johansson, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go. I was thrown off by the mention of the latest Hollywood breakups and makeups, which make you think it's not a Hollywood person. But I'm gonna go, Clooney, Clooney, Clooney.

[Bald Brian]

The blog belongs to Bono.

[Allison Rosen]

Scarlett Johansson. They got you too, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

We should always go with our first instinct. Because my first was Bono, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Bono to be Bono Bited the Grim Reaper. All right.

[Bald Brian]

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on a second. Is there any ever a part of these diatribes where Bono delivers, where he goes? I know there's this whole thing, like, I'll explain politically and just morally and just where you can tell the difference between me and Bono? I would. Like I've been confused musically. You wouldn't know the difference. As soon as I can learn to play bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka. As soon as I can get down to fucking Guitar center and get some guy to give me a lesson on how to do bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka.

[Bald Brian]

All you need to do is strum that guitar like that, and then you set a delay at the quarter note and the eighth note and stare. And that's exactly how he does it.

[Allison Rosen]

Bucka bucka, bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka buck. Fucking hate that band. The point is this. Here's the difference between me and Bono, okay? There's a problem in Africa. They're killing each other. They're dying of malaria. They've invited the Grim Reaper. They don't have enough feet.

[Giovanni]

There's more than one prominent.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of inviting of the Grim Reaper, fair amount of rape, lots of aids, stuff like that. You know what I mean? Your big problems, you know?

[Giovanni]

Dear G, Ripper and Guest.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and the difference is Bono wants to know what we're gonna do about it. Yeah, I'd like to know what they're gonna do about it. See, my feeling is you can complain all you want to us. Sorry. We like watching celebrity sex tapes and Entertainment Tonight and tmz and we like our donuts nice and puffy. That's what we do. We're only going to give so big a shit about something that's going on that's not even close to our backyard. I'm sorry. That's just how human beings are wired for the most part. So you can, Bono, either keep coming at us and wanting to know what we're gonna do about it, which is something, but not enough, or you could go to Africa and ask him what the fuck's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

My thing is, I prefer to find out why you guys are doing so much raping rather than bothering me to stuff some more money into a bottomless coffee can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, start with the nation in the mirror.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying, Bono. But you could never do that. You can't go judge. You got to come over here and ask us, what are we doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we're not doing anything.

[Allison Rosen]

We're watching celebrities. Fuck. They're raping nine year olds. So go talk to him, Bono, and bring him a shetty dick. What are we doing about it? The fuck are we supposed to do about it? Stop fucking raping everyone. There you go. Stop the ethnic cleansing. Go talk to him. Figure it out. Leave us the fuck alone. Thank you.

[Caller]

Let's play some games.

[Allison Rosen]

And if you'd go with my come on the tits policy, this whole thing would be put to bed inside a generation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like they don't like that or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Bono would never dare ask them. What's up? Why are you guys. What's with the reproducing all over the place? Why? What's with all the kids? What's with all the raping? None of going to go find us and bother us.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it take incredible discipline to pull out and come on the tits?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you just listen to Taco sing about Tangent. There's no food in wars that kill Africa screwed. Why do you still fuck black rabbits? Try coming on the tits.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it like going outside when you're all warm and toasty inside a wet white stain?

[Allison Rosen]

No more sending sacks of green. Nah, it's good. Coming on the tits. I've seen enough movies to know. Drop sperm on her chest like paratroopers or instead, just finish in her pooper. Simple fix. All you do is pull out your dicks and leave some man paste on her nips. Coming on the tits. Coming on the tits. Coming on the tits. Coming on the tits. And the show has reached a new low. I'm just saying, you laugh all you want, pull out come on the tits, and we got a new Africa in 20 years.

[Adam Carolla]

I think cement paste is my least favorite part of that song.

[Allison Rosen]

They say cement paste?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, cement paste on her nips.

[Allison Rosen]

Man paste.

[Adam Carolla]

That's gross, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Man paste on her nips.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a pervert, Bald Brian. And I got a big fat zero there. Did anyone get that one?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't either.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well. Fucking. All right, goose eggs, here we go.

[Bald Brian]

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement. The desire for better is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. The raggedy campers there, with almost nothing, tried to donate to Tales of Joy on the spot. I run a nationwide nonprofit animal rescue called Tales of Joy. I have been a rescuer for 16 years. In this economy, there are fewer donations than ever and more need than ever, as people cannot afford to keep their pets. Is it Elaine Boosler, Rachel Ray, or Tracy Ullman?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Who can't afford to fucking keep their pets? Just throw them scraps or something. Or just buy a generic sack of kibble for, like, nine bucks. It weighs 40 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Give them savory mix.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, give him that savory mix. Ah, this is blowhardy. Did anyone ever envision that all this philanthropic stuff would make you so nauseated? You know what I mean? Like, 30 years ago, when someone. If someone said, you know, the future's gonna be a lot of celebrities getting involved, a lot of nonprofit organizations raising a. Like, you just thought, oh, good. Why not? Good for them. And then you just realize, like, make it stop already, Would you? We get it. You love animals. Shut up.

[Giovanni]

Can I ask a potentially embarrassing question? Who exactly is Elaine Boosler?

[Adam Carolla]

She's a comedian.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that is so good.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a comedian from a long time ago.

[Allison Rosen]

She's a comedian, and she started at third base the year I almost got into a fist fight. With my Dodger celebrity coach the first year.

[Giovanni]

What is she best known for besides playing third base in the Dodgers?

[Allison Rosen]

For placing me, platooning with me in a celebrity game.

[Giovanni]

They needed a writer.

[Allison Rosen]

There was a time when comedy was like, they went nuts for comedy. And it was like this 80s thing and any chick that had a stand up act that was like, oh, let me tell you about dating. It was like, oh my God. Holding deals and development deals and all this kind of stuff. Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you play an accordion too? Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And all these chicks and even Roseanne, they're all just sort of marginal talents. I've said that about Roseanne a million times. Everyone always laughs at me when I explain that she is not nearly as funny as people think. But you just keep waiting for her next triumph and we shall see about that. The point is, Elaine Boozler was just sort of right in that mix. I don't know if she was bad or good. I'm assuming she's bad because I haven't really heard anything. And the thing about being funny, if you are truly funny, there's really nothing that can get in your way. You can write a book, you can make an independent film, you can write, you can do sitcoms, you can do stands. There's no holding you down. There's no comedians who were formerly on stage and making millions of dollars, you know who you haven't heard of for 20 years that are truly funny? No. You can now just move ahead and do things on your own terms. You can act, you can do whatever. If we haven't heard you, you probably heard of you in the last 20 years. It's probably talent issue. She's probably one of those right place, right time people and was one of the biggest standup acts of, I would say 1986 or so and made tons of money and sold out theaters and had huge hair.

[Adam Carolla]

She did. That's not the hair that she used to have.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Right.

[Giovanni]

Oh, she had like kinky hair, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, animals. What do you guys think? At five feet, I'm going, Rachael Ray, Rachael Ray.

[Giovanni]

Don't celebrities start getting their own foundations and profit non profits when they start making money because they have to to shelter their taxes and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

That's so cynical.

[Giovanni]

That would have put it right about 1995. It was right when Rachael Ray was starting to make money. I say it's Rachel Ray.

[Allison Rosen]

You say 95 is 16 years. Is that when she's 16 years ago? Rachel Ray, she has. I don't feel like she was. I don't feel like she was around 16 years ago.

[Giovanni]

She was the food.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. I didn't think about that. No. She says she's been a rescuer for. Oh, I don't want to give you guys a chance. She's been rescued.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Who do you guys think? What do you guys think?

[Giovanni]

Rachel Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

Rachael Ray.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to say Rachel Ray. I know she's in New York. I actually ran into her in New York just last week to tell her the truth. Good stuff. I'm going to say Tracy Ullman just for the fuck of it.

[Bald Brian]

The blog belongs to Elaine Boozle.

[Allison Rosen]

There's her hair. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I should have known because it didn't make sense that she was in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but see, that's the herring.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

We did 20 minutes on fucking Boozler, and then we all went the wrong direction.

[Bald Brian]

Games. First to three. All right, have one.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, here we go.

[Bald Brian]

When I was in South Africa, I had the great privilege of introducing the Dalai Lama to Nelson Mandela. It was wonderful to witness these two great men of peace embrace each other for the first time. Is it Dave Matthews, Elton John, or Richard Branson?

[Allison Rosen]

David. Dave Matthews. Not this big a blowhard, but again, why is he up there? Richard Branson. He's got the juice to introduce the dolly to Mandela. I'm going with Elton John. Just because he loves himself some Elton John. That's a blowhardy statement.

[Giovanni]

Dave Matthews is from South Africa, Right? And I think that's why he's up there as a distraction. So I'm gonna go with just to be different. Branson.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, you got Branson, I got John. What do you got?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't trust myself, and I don't trust you guys. Let's see. When I was in South Africa, he would say, when I was home. Okay, fine. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Branson.

[Allison Rosen]

Branson. Two Bransons. One.

[Bald Brian]

John, the blog belongs to Richard Branson.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, damn it. All right, another goose egg for the ace man. Oh, wait, one for Brian. All right, here we go. Go.

[Bald Brian]

When did it happen? I am now obsessed with making gourmet food, organically grown, artisanally produced, as I hate this human. As I play Words with Friends compulsively with my girlfriends, my wife, while we drink free range coffee from various presses and plunger delivery systems.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I think I may like this person.

[Bald Brian]

What happened to the free spirit? Ban your bra.

[Allison Rosen]

Era.

[Bald Brian]

Fighting back against the idea of women at home with their appliances and boredom and alcoholism.

[Allison Rosen]

Why they write it's. It should be burn your bra. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Ban your bra.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Burn your bra.

[Allison Rosen]

There we go.

[Bald Brian]

And that secret pain pill problem.

[Adam Carolla]

What made you decide you like the person? The plunger delivery system for their coffee.

[Allison Rosen]

First I thought they were being serious, and now I think they're fucking around. All right, here we go.

[Bald Brian]

Is it Cyndi Lauper, Jamie Lee Curtis, or Valerie Bertinelli?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think this. I think this is beyond the moral capacity of Valerie Bertinelli. I think she's dope singing the Loppers. Now I'm going Jamie Lee.

[Giovanni]

Your reasoning is correct. That's why I say it is Valerie Bertinelli. Because of the banya bra mistake.

[Allison Rosen]

She's kind of messed that up.

[Giovanni]

And she just lost all that weight through whatever it was. Nutrisystem or some shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, interesting. All right, what do you think, Alison?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going ballet Bertinelli.

[Bald Brian]

The blog belongs to Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're all tied.

[Allison Rosen]

Look out, world. All right, now listen, we all have to pick the opposite. You know, I'll go last because I'm a gentleman. Here we go.

[Bald Brian]

A word to those who take the time and trouble to respond to this blog. I read gratefully every one of your communications. I wish I could respond to each of you, but time doesn't allow it. Here, however, are a few responses to Single in Dixie. My wife agrees with you. The last thing she says to me as I leave for the taping is smile. The fact is that all my life people have been asking me what's wrong when I'm perfectly content. I know it does no good to insist that I'm happy no matter how somber I look. I should just smile more. So next time you see me smile on the show Single in Dixie, you can take credit for it. Is it CNN's Wolf Blitzer inside the Actor Studios, James Lipton or Chris Matthews?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, go ahead, fellas. I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, let's see, let's see.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, you got Matthews. Hemon. Haw. Hold on, Allison. Do. Do a silent hem and haw. Now while Brian is going.

[Giovanni]

Get it out of the way. Matthews does smile a lot. So I'm gonna say Lipton.

[Allison Rosen]

Lipton. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And so I have to go different than Brian. I am going to say. I'm gonna say Matthews.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthews. And that leaves me with Wolf Blitzer.

[Bald Brian]

The blog belongs to James Lipton.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Brian took it fair and goddamn square. Cuz to be honest, I wouldn't have had a choice. I mean, I wouldn't have had a strong opinion on that one anyway. All right, bring it on home, Dawson. Nice job.

[Bald Brian]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round of blah, blah blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Say about my good friends [e-mail]. you know, I didn't know. See, stamps.com is quick, easy, gets you started in less than five minutes. You can print postage for letters and packages. The instant you need it, you do it off your own computer. I knew, sort of I was thinking about, you know, working from your home or having a home office and doing the whole stamp thing. What I didn't think about is the parcel thing. You don't have to do the UPS thing anymore. You print the postage that it would take to send that pashmina to your good lesbian friend over there in Chicago. And then here's the sucker part. The post office deals with it. You don't have to go down to the UPS place. None of that. Drop it off, weigh it, whatever. That's the part I always just kept thinking about stamps and letters and I was like, eh, eh, I can buy a roll of stamps somewhere and they'll last me a month and a half. But it's more like if you have a business, I don't know, let's say you sell a few things on ebay or something like that and you want to send it. You just get a few boxes and they'll give you a scale. You just weigh it and it'll tell you what it is and how much it'll cost in postage. And then the post office, when the guy comes to drop off the letters, he'll pick it up and do it. And you're doing your part as an American here because the old postman's going under, baby. They're getting beat out by UPS and all these other places, FedEx and all that. And you can give some love back to the US Of A. Patriotic. It's patriotic and it's great because you get to be lazy and patriotic. You never have to leave the house. So they got a limited time special offer, no risk trial and 110 bucks bonus offer, including a digital scale and 55 free bucks worth of postage.

[Adam Carolla]

I want this.

[Allison Rosen]

This is solid only if you enter my name. Adam. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the of the homepage. Type in Adam that stamps.com and again, you know, whether you're running a business or just running your life and ups, I mean, like I said, ebay, whatever Stuff back and forth. Hell, man, seriously, you got to go down to the UPS store, they got to weigh the stuff, box it up, you pay them, and it's all going to them. It ain't going to the good old U.S. of A. Oh, all right, we gotta wrap it up pretty quick here. I should tell people. What should I tell people? What am I missing?

[Giovanni]

Contest.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, what you guys got going? How you guys doing with your ebay stuff?

[Giovanni]

Oh, good. We sold all the ebay stuff. Thanks for Evan for bidding. And hilariously, I did not anticipate this would happen. A couple people bid on it from out of town, like out of the state. So we're actually going to go and like babysit someone's kid in Colorado, like make someone dinner in San Francisco.

[Allison Rosen]

Sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going on tour.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, exactly. We're gonna put it on video and make it a little hilarious web video series. You can check it out oncarillo.com.

[Allison Rosen]

The other thing I was thinking about is made myself a note I was talking about on yesterday's show, that sort of thing where and I did a little tweet about. We were talking about on yesterday's show. Sort of your space program versus how much taking to the streets and dragging of corpses you do.

[Giovanni]

You're inversely proportionate.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And I just like to say. You know what I feel like I want to say to Livia? I feel like a coach where the DB on my team just picked off a pass and took it to the house and made a great play. But he's doing an end zone dance and he's making us all look foolish. I like the score. I'll take the seven points. I'll take the pick six. It was a nice play. Let's not tarnish it by doing a whole bunch of throat slitting moves. To the opposite end zone. To the end zone. Going into the Neon Dion dance and all. You know what you do? Throw that ball over your shoulder and hustle back to the sideline. That's the classy move.

[Giovanni]

Hey, Olivia, act like you've been there before.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying. You took out Mormar. God bless you. Now hustle back to the sideline, grab a Gatorade and sit down. Let's not do the end zone dance. Act like you've been there before.

[Giovanni]

You gotta have a short memory if you're a DB and or a country that's ruled by a despot.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. All right, that's Adam Klishow.

[Giovanni]

684 coming up. Next we have Adam Kishow, 693, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2011.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to thank my good friends [e-mail]. yeah, that's W I E N. There's a place out here for millionaires on Ventura Boulevard called the Wiener Factory. Those who are Southern California natives know it, and it went out of business a few years ago. Wiener Factory. Yeah, back in the day, they played.

[Adam Carolla]

Good music and they had supple buns.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, the only time I really feel free is when I'm eating a hot dog and on the dance floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me about it, sister.

[Allison Rosen]

And it was great because I get low and browse there. When I was like, 17 or 18, it was one of those. We don't check ID, right? And they started a food truck. One of the guys who worked there. It's one of these things where the guy went. He worked there for 15 years. And then when they went out of business, everyone was like, ah, man, we're gonna miss the Wiener Factory. And he just said, you know what? Screw it. I'll start a food truck and I'll do the same dogs we used to do at the Wiener Factory. So anyway, you can check them [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't realize this was them.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they just came by and fed everybody. And it's because I was complaining about those, oh, God damn Dodger Dog. Just how fucking horrible they are. And here's what I'm tired of in life. I'm tired of the people are like, well, that's your opinion. I like, fuck you. You're an idiot. I'm tired of that. The Dodger Dog is a vastly inferior product. It's a piece of shit. It's like you going, well, okay, you prefer the BMW, I prefer the Tercel. So now it's even. No, it's not. You're fucking retard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like if I said I enjoy eating feces, right? That's my lifestyle choice.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what you want? Honestly? You want to know what the Dodger Dog benefits from? What it benefits it. Two things it benefits from. It benefits from people growing up being fed the Dodger Dog, basically. Like Poi or Vegemite or they just kind of get used to it.

[Adam Carolla]

They have a lot, a lot of.

[Allison Rosen]

Good memories of them, them and their dad. Before the molestation started, all that stuff. Like, oh, man. Back when my parents were together and Steve Garvey was playing first base and I was seven years old, we used to go There my dad would get me a Dodger dog. So there's a lot of that. And then there's a second part. It's a cultural thing. There's a lot of fucking people from fucking Laotian people. And not to mention all of Mexico, they don't know a good hot dog. Let's face it, Mexico. Stop fucking around with the hot dogs. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. The Jews know hot dogs. The Germans know hot dogs. There's groups that know dogs. You guys don't know dogs. And if you did know dogs, you wouldn't have to wrap them in bacon. That's the biggest hot dog apology in the world. I mean, for Christ's sake, you wrap liver in bacon. Hot dogs and bacon.

[Adam Carolla]

You could wrap a shoe in bacon.

[Allison Rosen]

Where is it? I'll eat it right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the Ween is gonna start offering it.

[Allison Rosen]

What you got over there at Dodger Stadium is a whole shitload of Mexicans and they don't know shit about hot dogs. And then you have a bunch of guys that, with the Stockholm syndrome that were brought up with it. And then you mix in some other. Mix in some other crazy nationalities who again, don't know fuck about hot dogs. And you have a stage filled with retarded and or brainwashed people who don't know enough. Because if they did that in front of a group of guys from Chicago or a bunch of German dudes, they'd fucking set that place on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. If they tried to offer them their extra long meat paste.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, fucking Farmer John. Jesus fucking Christ, does he make a shitty dog? Only in la. Really? Only in la. Are we fucking stupid enough? We're just so stupid. We're so f. I. We can't be. I mean, how is it that LA is, you know, the seventh largest economy in the world and all that? Kind of. And we're the dumbest on the planet.

[Giovanni]

It's been years since I agreed with you this much. I'm so thrilled to see you hate the Dodger dog so much.

[Allison Rosen]

It's so brutally. God awful bad.

[Giovanni]

Dodger Stadium. This much fall. Very much in love.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't like Dodger standing there. Bad experiences there. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like sports.

[Allison Rosen]

Now where was I? Oh boy. Boy, what a fucking day. So Lynette's out of town. Gee, guess what she's doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Going to see Bruce Springsteen something.

[Allison Rosen]

Bruce. Bruce something. Yes. And she's going. She's outtown. She's with her friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she get her hair cut before she went or do anything like that. Suspect that she's sleeping with Bruce Springsteen?

[Allison Rosen]

No, she didn't rub out her car fender or anything like that. But she's going to see her benefit with Bruce and she's in New York. And so I'm left with the kids and the dog and the dog's, you know, a mess and diabetes and it's blind in one eye and the other one's going. And so I announce I'm taking the kids to school today.

[Adam Carolla]

Who do you announce this to?

[Allison Rosen]

The heavens. And by the way, what the hell is going on with school? There's parents, mom and dad walking their kid in to school today. They sicken me.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's this? Who's home asleep?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, what's the point? Mom and dad walking. I mean it's just dad, moms and dads and dads and moms and then full couples like, come on, they don't need two of you, do.

[Adam Carolla]

We really don't.

[Allison Rosen]

And, and it's this thing where, ah, the kids really want, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of build up, you know, the kids really want you. Meanwhile they really don't, they don't give a shit. They're sitting in the back of the car reading a book. And then when I get them out, they don't even. They're like, kiss off, old man. So I walk the kids over to school. I gotta get up. I'm out late last night celebrating Jimmy's birthday. Had a few, few margaritas and up up early. Yeah, good times.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that one keystroke?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No, that was the opening of a, of a brewski. So I'm out, I'm out a little bit late. Have a couple margaritas celebrating with Jimmy and up at the crack of fuck this morning getting the kids ready, getting them dressed, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Were you still drunk?

[Allison Rosen]

I had a buzz. But you know, buzz driving. It's drunk driving as we learn. So, so I'm getting the kids ready and I'm trying to get them fed and I'm trying to get all their shit together. And every kid's got a backpack now filled with shit. I'm seeing these six year olds walking around the backpacks like they're fucking walking the John Muir trail.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't even talk about their purses.

[Allison Rosen]

What the hell's going on? What's in all. What's in all this shit? And how'd we survive without a huge backpack? I never had A backpack. But anyway, Ray would have shitten it if I had a backpack for sure. I mean, I had a Rams beanie. Shit in my rams beanie. Of course he would have shit in my backpack.

[Adam Carolla]

Heavy turd too.

[Allison Rosen]

God knows what he would have done in the backpack. So I'm getting them ready, I'm getting them dressed, I get the whole thing. Thank God. Assistant J, just on his own, decides to show up a little early. I can't get there late because I'll hear about it. So I get the kids off to school. Fine, tired, working on the second book. At a certain point now, like I said, I go to visit my mom. Mom. I said, better go visit my mom because I'm right in the neighborhood planning a visit with my mom. The great. The only good thing about having old parents is you can call them at like 7:45, like hello, they've been up for four hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I mean? Because they fell asleep and the street lights came on, you know, so they're like, yeah, hello. Yeah, hello. I mean you could call my dad. You could literally, you could be driving past my Dad's house at 5:45 in the morning and just knock on the door and he just answer in a full suit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello.

[Allison Rosen]

Drinking a cup of posed them. How you doing? Good afternoon. That's what he'd say. So I called my mom at like literally like 8, 10. And she's like, howdy. And I was like, hi man. Yep. You all right? Yeah. What's up? You know? Yeah, midday. Yeah. Get ready to take a nap.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So I said, you know, I owed you a visit. And I was in the neighborhood so dropped the kids off at, you know, come by, you know, say hi. And my mom's hip's fucked up. She's getting old and she's, you know, she's slowing down quite a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

She wasn't that fast before, really.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, she was never what you call Dave Maggot of the neighborhood. Little football reference for you.

[Giovanni]

Digging deep.

[Allison Rosen]

Digging deep.

[Giovanni]

1990 giants.

[Allison Rosen]

Look it up. She was never what you call a motor scooter, but I, you know, just start talking and we're trying get. There's like, there's a little bit of a couple of problems. I'm going to try, try to be somewhat respectful here. But we had old neighbors and the old neighbors, I was very friendly with the son, but the gal wasn't that sweet to my sister. And the mom was an all out bitch. I mean she was a bitch. And I didn't like Her. And they were, like, divorced and whatever. And then at some point, they moved away and began a life that sort of involved some divorces and some, you know, workman's comp and some more divorces. And let's put it to you this way. My one pal there, the neighbor. Three kids. Twins and a boy. Boy. The twin Girls, who are 22, both in prison, one in Florida, one out here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good that they stayed close.

[Allison Rosen]

And son shot in the head and blind.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

And my mom. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Who shot him?

[Allison Rosen]

One of his friends or something. Screwing around. Whatever. Got the three kids, and two the girls are in the joint, and son's blind, and my mom never stops with the hey, guess who's in town? You know, it's like, yeah, yeah, this is awesome. Why don't you hang around with someone has a fucking nickel? Fucking get a friend that has something. Somebody just has, like, an unfinished furniture joint or something or a hot dog truck or something, you know, instead of folks in federal prison, you know? And it's like, hey, guess what? I was nine when they moved. You know, Like, I'm cool now, you know? So it's a lot of that. And. And my beef is always with my mom's. Cause all her friends are just like. And there's nothing. So a couple of those things, you know, those things where your parents don't really understand where you're at or, like, what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Pulls out a picture from a TV show from the 70s called Shazam. Okay. Shazam was a show where an old pedophile drove around in a Winnebago with, like, a young Latino kid who turned into Shazam. He'd say, shazam. He turned into Captain whoever.

[Giovanni]

This is not Shaq.

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is before. Before that. And, like, it's one of these things where she pulls out a picture of Shazam. The guy from. Literally from 1975 with the old guy and the kid. And it's autographed. A guy named Kevin. And she's like, so, do you know this guy? And I'm like, that's Shazam. Guy. Guy. Yes, that's him. Yeah. He lives above Dorothy.

[Adam Carolla]

Dorothy's the lucky one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, all righty. And it's like. Like, she wants me to, like, scream, stop the presses, or I got to get my agent on the blower.

[Adam Carolla]

She's so close to celebrity.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. That was 1975. The guy played Shazam. The guy was Captain Whatever. I. I know he yelled, Shazam. And the show was called Shazam. That kid would turn into Shaz. It was a little.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no kid in this photo.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the young. The young man would turn into the Shazam guy. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

[Adam Carolla]

And the old guy looks like Captain Kangaroo.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But he's not. There's Shazam Again. So we got into this. But by the way, it's a show that wouldn't last 10 seconds today because there's not two and a half networks like there used to be. So we talk about Shazam For a while, but it's this thing. It's like, I don't know what you want me to do with this information.

[Adam Carolla]

On behalf of you, I have to say your mom seemingly not that impressed or aware of you or what you do, but wildly excited that this guy who played Shazam lives above the neighbor with the blind son and the kids in federal prison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's the grandma, but. Yeah, it's the grandma who moved away, but her son. Yeah. Yeah. Well, next time Baldwin calls in a show, I tell him I have to hang on. I got Shazam on the blower. Calling. Calling from Northern California. Yeah. So get into that for a few minutes. It's just one of those, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And she's showing me a picture, but it's not autographed to me. It's just autographed to another guy that she just said, send it along. Like, do you know this guy? I think he gave it to her and said, like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. So we talk about Shazam for a while. This is another one of those. What the fuck are we talking about? Shazam. We're talking about the actor who played Shazam from 37 years ago. The autographs not made out to a guy named Kevin. So we talk about that for a while. Then we get into this argument because the daughter is finally going to get married. The one smart enough not to have any kids is going to get married.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Oh, the one who wasn't that nice to your sister.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right. Who is nice now. And everyone's nice now, but Jesus Christ. So the daughter is going to get married, and my mom goes, goes, she's gonna get married on 11, 11 11. And I said, yeah, I heard about that. A lot of people getting. A lot of people in Nevada filing for marriage certificates and licenses and stuff for 11, 11, 11. And then I say, you know, what's up with that? Like, what's that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is my half birthday.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, she brought that up? Yeah, she brought that up. I yelled, Shazam. When she did that and pointed out, oh, Kevin. I said. I said, do you know your half birthday? I don't think I have a half birthday.

[Giovanni]

I do, only because a girl I dated for, like, three years was the exact day that was my half birthday.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a half birthday?

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone has.

[Allison Rosen]

Does everyone know they haven't?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's six months after you date your birthday.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm on an odd day, though. When is your birthday? You don't have to split the day in half.

[Adam Carolla]

You're may something.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm May 27th.

[Adam Carolla]

So November 27th is your half birthday.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, got that going forward to you.

[Giovanni]

It's coming up.

[Allison Rosen]

Never thought about it until this day, and then I won't after this.

[Giovanni]

I think that's how girls know.

[Allison Rosen]

So it is. So what happened was, is my mom. So I said, you know, what the hell with the 11 11, 11. Like, what the hell? What difference does that make? You know? Who gives a shit? And she said, well, your kids were supposed to be born on 666, and you had them on 6, 7, 6. So it's the same thing. Thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's totally not the same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, well, not really, because one of them has a stigma attached to it that the kids are gonna drag around for the rest of their Life, and it's 2,000 years old, and the other one's just. There's Nothing lucky about 11. 11, 11 that I'm aware of.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of people are gonna write it and disagree.

[Allison Rosen]

I know where there's a stigma to the 666 thing. And she's like, yeah, but it's still kind of the same thing. You know that thing where it's just like. You start getting fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. Yeah, but still, you just want to.

[Allison Rosen]

You just want to dive on him with a pillow at that point, choke him out, like. And I said, yeah, but not really, because, well, first off, my kids came into this world C section. So it's like, you come in, C section, they'll do it to you on a Monday or Friday or whenever it's most convenient. Like, they'll get you. They'll go, here's your due date. And then they'll take the kids then. Or they'll take them the day before, the day after. Really, it doesn't matter. So I said, well, A, doesn't matter, matter. B, it wasn't really my decision. And then C, who gives it? You know, I just didn't want the Kids walk around with the 666 tag on them. It's just like, yeah, but it's kind of the same. And like, all right, one has a horrible negative connotation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really not the same.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. So we went around on that for a little while also.

[Giovanni]

6, 6, 0, 6. People always conveniently love to make things their own case by leaving off a convenient number, when, in fact, that's the number that's supposed to be on there, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So later. Later on, a couple of good moments, and I went back to the house, tired, wrote the book with lynch and that kind of stuff. And then later on then the kids came home and nanny was around. We're all in the kitchen. Molly's half blind. She's outside barking, doing her thing, and she's barking and barking. I'll go let her in, open the front door. I look down, she's tracking water in to the house. And I'm like, oh, she stepped in a puddle. What, has it been raining? It's been raining. She's standing in water. Sprinkler busted. What's going on out there? Walks in track and more. And I look down, I was like, jeez, Chris, tracking a lot of water in this house. Then I look up, she's covered. She's soaked. Soaked through to the bound, and she soaked. And I'm like, what the hell was she doing? So much spray with a hose or something. And I was like, oh, shit. She fell in the pool. She fell in the pool. And Molly don't like the pool. Molly don't get near the pool. I can't get Molly into the pool during the summer. It's like, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dream of a Labrador that swims.

[Allison Rosen]

Won'T get near the fucking water. I run outside, I see the splash. I see the tracks coming out from the, you know, the stairs. It's like, holy shit, she's blind. And she fell into the pool. And I'm like, oh, my God. And so we come, you know, kids are running out, what's going on? To get to town. Molly fell in the pool. What? Molly fell in the pool. They run around, they want to look. They want to see what's going on. There's water. Molly. And of course, Natalia comes in, ratting Molly out. Molly made a mess. All right, Lighten up, sweetheart. Jesus Christ. And she's trying to rat the fucking. Yeah, trying to narc out. Fucking Molly for making a mess out by the pool. So she's like, listen. I said, listen to me. Your mom's in New York. She's there trying to have a good time with the boss. You understand? She's gonna call sometime, some, you know, in the next hour or so. She's gonna call to say goodnight to you guys. Let's not say anything about Molly, right? I don't want to hear anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's how he's proven her record of keeping secrets.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesus Christ, she'd be the worst fucking good fella on the planet. She'd run to the cops in the middle of the heist. Like I said, listen. And I'm laughing as I'm saying, because I said, listen, Mama is going to worry. Mama's going to be very worried if we tell her. And she's going to be very depressed because this is a bad sign that Molly fell into the swimming pool. And Molly could have easily drowned. She doesn't swim. I don't know, she must have just fell in right by the stairs and somehow got out. But Mama's going to freak. We're not telling Mama that Molly fell into the pool. Do you understand me? And they're like, yeah, she was. No mention. When she gets back, then we can tell her. Until then, no, of course. Smash cut to me upstairs doing a little shadow boxing from the TV set with the phone. Natalia holding it. Now Mommy's on the phone. And we didn't tell Mommy about, you know, Molly falling into the pool. So you don't tell and it's like, you know, grab the phone. What. What's going on? You know, it's like, oh, right. Fucking little shits with their, you know, they did the.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't tell and then she held up the phone and announced that she didn't tell.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

And manipulative.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you get this, by the way, this is a chick move. This is a chick move all the way right here. What happened? Molly, she fell into pool. She fell into the pool? Yeah, she was outside and, you know, she's. I guess she fell in the pool. Why weren't you watching her? Because I never ever watch. She goes, why wasn't I watching her? We do the same thing every night. Open the door, go out and bark, shut the door, stand in the kitchen, eat dinner. She runs around the yard and barks. I watch here. I love that. Kind of like, I love that it's a chick thing and gay thing, which is when shit goes wrong. Even though there's no way that anyone could humanly could have possibly prevented it because the dog just goes out for an hour at a time every night and you just slam the door behind it. You have no idea. Idea where the fuck the dog is because it's dark outside. Why weren't you standing there guarding the pool to prevent something that's never happened before? Like, it's totally illogical.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you have a crystal ball brain.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she must. She must know it too. But it's like, weren't you looking after. It's like. No, we've never. You never. Lynette and me. No one's ever followed the dog out. You open the door, the dog takes off, and they just run around the yard, take a. And embark a little more, and then 20 minutes later, you let them in. So Molly fell into the pool, which is bad times for Molly and bad times for me. Because now when I let her out, I gotta go stand. Stand, block the pool, though. I don't know. Maybe she's freaked out and doesn't want to get. Doesn't want to get near the pool, so that's a good time.

[Giovanni]

I don't know if it's a bad taste to bring it up, but isn't that, like, especially bad times? Because usually dogs know the lay of the land, right? Like, usually they won't put into furniture if they go blind because they know where everything is inherently. Like, she's confused.

[Allison Rosen]

Is she? I don't think. Well, first off, you know, it's not like she was, you know, solving any major math problems she was making when football for us. It's true. She better than me making football picks when she was four. And. Yeah, I just think she's more blind. And it was. It was kind of moonless and dark and stand by the edge. I don't know. Either way, not a good. Not a good, good sign for the Molly girl. Let's. Let's put it to you that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the ace man, balance off with.

[Allison Rosen]

No, she's doing. She's doing around. That's a decent point. She's missing her ear. I don't know. I got another thing to complain about. Oh, remember I was complaining about the valets and they put those little. Put those little tabs on your windshield.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're Mary Miller's car, apparently, though. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

And that tab just stays there until it rains and smears and you reach it and you reach around and the whole nine yards last night. Come out of the high end restaurant after the Kimmel party. Eight bucks for valet, by the way. Get the. Get the. Get the. Get the keys back from the valet. Got the big old cardboard keychain. Cardboard keychain chain on That's a picture of it. I made lynch take a picture of it today. Now here's the thing dick heads. Do you think I collect and trade these things with my friends as our business?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you resell them to other valets?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, our trans. I'm building a collage pinata out of decoupage. Pinata out of them. Yeah. Put aside that Angry Birds video, Sonny. I got a scrap of perforated paper here for you to play with with a lot of numbers on it and a picture of an old fat Stanley steamer. The point is this. Hey Dick, are we done? We're done. Are we not?

[Adam Carolla]

You are.

[Allison Rosen]

How about you remove your fucking piece of cardboard from my fucking keys and.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just a whore that leaves her lipstick all over your face or whatever or what have you.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Yeah. It's bullshit. And I know there's that. Cry me a river Adam. So what? So what? Do your fucking job. Because you get your eight bucks, you don't get your seven bucks and you get your five dollar tip. Take your fucking cardboard off D. Why.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T they is tearing not in their job description.

[Allison Rosen]

How much is involved with being a valet bar?

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have a trash can or a recycling bin?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. Here's what they don't. They don't give a fuck. Valet guys, all guys that deal with cars are world class assholes and or lazy fucks.

[Giovanni]

Get that prop.

[Allison Rosen]

The worst guys in the world. All the parking lot attendants are assholes. All the guys who do valet guys, usually assholes. And there's a certain thing. One is they're driving your nice car and they're going home on a fucking 10 speed that they stole from a Mexican. So they're pissed number one. Number two they don't. There seems to be nobody who runs a valet service that ever goes look, here's what we're gonna do. You give the person their keys but before you give them their keys you tear the little thing off because we don't need this anymore. Neither do. Are they or. And maybe. Oh, oh, I'm looking at it now. I think they want you, they want you to call.

[Adam Carolla]

They're leaving their business card.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but give me a business card. I don't fucking want it. And what's the deal with what's on the windshield? Take it off, finish your job. And the guy left my seat up too. They're all midgets. They all put the seat all the way up. I know this sounds like you try. Try climbing into a car where the seats all the way up and you're sitting sucks. You're dragging your balls across the steering wheel, the horn going off, everyone looking, staring, paparazzi taking pictures, accidentally turning the.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn signal with your junk.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Ah. 01 Media. Now I'm happy again. Love these dudes. 01 Media. Apple Specialists. 15 years experience. They do well. They specialize in computers for tv, radio, film. They made us a supercomputer over here. God, love those guys. They fix Ball Brian's. Every time. Every time Brian gets something from Apple, he throws it on the ground.

[Giovanni]

That's exactly right.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened? What did they fix for you?

[Giovanni]

You know, the touch pad on your mouse, you know, the thing you touch, it just was going out. And it got to the point where I had to, like, really press hard to fix it or to get to click. And wasn't working. They fixed it in a matter of day and a half.

[Allison Rosen]

And they fix your iPhone.

[Giovanni]

IPod was.

[Allison Rosen]

IPod, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Dead as can be.

[Allison Rosen]

Fixed that, too.

[Giovanni]

Brought it back to life.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep. Apple certified technicians available for computer repair and remote tech support. Or maybe if you just need someone to complain to. 310-651-8488, you can check them out online.01media center.com all right, Allison, you got some news, baby girl. Let's get into that.

[Bald Brian]

The News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Alice. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Herman Cain on tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on. Okay, Remember yesterday I was saying that Michael Naron, after all these years of contributing and working pro bono and doing all this hard work, I got him a gig working for Seth and the Family Guy doing store storyboards. And how it all just sort of paid off for him. And he's coming out to Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

No such luck for Rick Rich Banks. Sorry, Rich. It's not gonna happen.

[Giovanni]

It's good that he found out this way.

[Allison Rosen]

Not sticking my head out for you. Sorry. Where were we?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Rich Banks? Herman Cain on Tuesday vehemently denied all sexual harassment allegations against him and said he had no memory of the first accuser to publicly describe claimed misconduct by the Republican presidential hopeful. Quote, they simply didn't happen. They simply did not happen.

[Allison Rosen]

He's just jealous of the gropers. I wish I had the balls to grope. I mean, just, you know, just riding you know, just. You're on that airport shuttle thing. You know, you're on that weird tram thing that travels underneath the thing, and you're just standing up and there's a chick standing next to you, and she's holding onto that bar and you just grab a little titty. You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Do you wait for the shuttle to bank a little bit to the left?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And it grabs.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I've just always thought that would be. I always just felt like that was such a low percentage move. Like I just grabbed some crotch or kitty. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not low hanging genitals.

[Allison Rosen]

No. And the chick, like, what are the chances that she's gonna be into it sitting there and I just grab her.

[Adam Carolla]

Pussy and chick goes, oh, yeah, like 0.0.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No offense, I was hoping for a big toe, but.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, let's get into this for a minute. See, I. Here's my thing. I have many a thing with Herman Cain, but I feel like. And I almost tweeted this, but I was afraid of the reaction. But there's something different to me, between wanted sexual advances and unwanted sexual advances. Because people keep bringing up Clinton. Well, the liberals gave Clinton a free pass. And look at all the horrible things he did, you know, with Monica Lewinsky and all the womanizing and stuff. I don't think they're the same, though, because, yes, you could say it was an abusive power, but Monica Lewinsky had a crush on him. That is different than an unwanted sexual advance. And Herman Cain, it is not looking good for him. And one more thing, because he. He held a press conference today where he.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't necessarily know that the answer's no until you find out the answer's no. You know what I mean? Like, most of the guys I know got a lot of pussy. They got a lot of pussy because they don't use a line. They use a gill net. Good stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you saying? You got to grope with both hands because you're going to catch something.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm saying early and often. You know what I mean? You don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a little more finesse than to push some girl's head into their crotch.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's something more predatory about this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, this is not. This is not smooth. But first off, the opposite of smooth. Look, we're only hearing about the chicks he didn't fuck. Maybe he fucked Baker's dozen of hot chicks. Maybe fuck the Rockettes and we're not aware of it, so Maybe he's a genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone who's fucking the Rockettes doesn't need to try to grope these five women. And more are gonna come forward.

[Allison Rosen]

You think he's like 0 for 17 in the groping department?

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I don't think someone who's smooth with the ladies, so smooth that they could sleep with all of the Rockette would also be grabbing at genitals.

[Giovanni]

Babe Ruth set a record for strikeouts.

[Bald Brian]

It's good.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Babe Ruth?

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, so he denied everything in this press conference. And one more thing. I was thinking, if it's all so untrue, why is he not pressing charges? You think he would sue them?

[Allison Rosen]

Here, I'll put.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna put off my sofa.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll put everything in a nutshell. And good and bad. Yes, I agree that it seems like a character flaw, and I don't like that. On the other hand, I cannot stand the witch hunt that takes place whenever anyone runs for anything of any importance at all that we just dig up a bunch of stuff that no one seemed to really give a shit about beforehand. And it's not like these women were in hospitals or anything. It's like all of a sudden, people that have been married for 10 years, like stuff that's 10 years old or 15 years old or whatever, all just comes out and everyone just gets trotted out. And if it's something like something that's politically incorrect, if he made a racial joke, and I'm not talking about Herman Cain, I just mean a guy. If there's a picture of him in a Halloween costume from a frat party, that was 40 years ago, where he wanted something sort of inappropriate, especially if it has to do with any race related anything or any gender, whatever, then we just make a huge deal out of it. And I don't like this vetting process that takes place where a guy, married or unmarried, runs a business or what have you, says, I'm gonna throw my hat in the ring. And then everyone just goes overtime. They just go to work and they find shit about the guy. And again. And you know, if you're Don King and you stomped a guy to death who owed you 500 bucks, maybe that's one thing. This is a. This is. It's not something I would look for in a babysitter. But when it comes to whatever he's going after, whatever role he's trying to fill here in this country, I don't like the part where we start drumming, we go looking through or not.

[Adam Carolla]

I started thinking about that today. I started thinking, well, but how much does something. Because I find all of it odious and it frustrates me how many people are. How many people are willing to just say that, you know, they're making this up and, you know, and that it's true, but it's like, how much is it gonna really gonna affect him being a president? I don't know. I don't, I don't like him, though.

[Allison Rosen]

The Bill Clinton thing, I agree, is marginally different. Although, Although he was president when he.

[Adam Carolla]

Happened, before he was president, I don't think he would have gotten to be president. That's the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it did happen before he was.

[Adam Carolla]

President, but not to the degree that we found out after.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, we don't. We weren't quite as sophisticated in our intel gathering back in 1992 or whatever it was. I don't know if Bill Clinton would have been president today.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

If that's what you're saying, we are.

[Adam Carolla]

Privy to this information now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but what information is it? I mean, I've done a million things that would look fucking horrible. Horrible if somebody trotted somebody out and said, did Adam, have you ever abused.

[Adam Carolla]

Your power, though, or harassed someone or tried to trade sex for a promotion?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm kind of dumb that way.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's not too late.

[Allison Rosen]

I've done a lot of shit that if you wanted to get Gloria Allred to stand next to somebody, they could say something that made me sound like a complete ass wipe. Now, it wouldn't be, oh, Adam said, you're not going to get the promotion unless you play the game or any of that stuff. Stuff. But believe me, there could be plenty of things that were A, embarrassing, be humiliating to my family and C, made me look like degenerate at least, and would have nothing to do with me governing. If you wanted to do it looked.

[Adam Carolla]

Peeing in the sink wouldn't be looked.

[Allison Rosen]

Upon kindly, done worse in the shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweetheart, or peeing on a wallet on TV.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's sort of the equivalent to remember, remember 20 years ago and even 15 years ago and even 10 years ago ago, did he try marijuana? Well, now I. Yes, well, yes, I did, but I did not inhale the marijuana. It's like, oh, who gives a fuck? But it was a big deal. I mean, 20 years ago, people having serious conversations about, hey, that's illegal, and this person thumbed their nose at the law and he used drugs, used illicit drugs, and so the people have to lie about that. And I'M not. Now we can all have a laugh about it. So what? The guy smoked a joint, what was a big deal 20 years ago ago. I'm just saying character. I'm sure he's a flawed guy. Not a big fan of the groping. Even though I'm still a little unclear how it works. I just start pushing her head down at dinner in a car, get a part. It makes me sort of secretly jealous. But the point is this.

[Adam Carolla]

Try it. Maybe it'll go well for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Just start palming the back of the head of the person while they're driving.

[Giovanni]

Wait till.

[Allison Rosen]

I should be driving, Right. Should I drive?

[Adam Carolla]

Push something onto the ground so they have. So they're bending over anyway, and then just shove your junk under their face.

[Allison Rosen]

In the car or. Sure, I should.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not in the car.

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be too hard. If they're driving, I'll tell them to pull over because I don't want to get blown while they're driving. Is that we're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, that's just good sense.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Yeah, I gotta work that out.

[Giovanni]

Unless you're one of those driving instructor cars.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I got the double wheel and brake.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. All right. So not a fan of the groping. Even though secretly jealous. But I'm. And I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a fan of the lying.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not a fan of lying. But you have to lie.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, who was it, Bill Clinton that said he didn't inhale?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lie.

[Allison Rosen]

He lying. Right. And he also said I did not have sex with that. Right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to. But I don't blame him. You have to lie, but be good.

[Adam Carolla]

At it at least.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you can't anymore because there's a camera everywhere and everyone's talking. I just. I don't like what we've become. We're like a bunch of nannies and snitching and dropping dimes on everyone and everyone's got a story.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like, I do. And I don't like that either. But I still feel like this is beginning to look quite egregious. There's five women now, and I'm sure more are gonna come out.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, once you get one, you'll get five.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause women like to. It's like how we go to the bathroom together.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, but I'm waiting for. The guy's inappropriate and I don't want my daughter to date him. And I Don't want my son to turn out like. Like him. But what.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You're waiting for like a something good.

[Allison Rosen]

I want. He burned me with acid and then raped me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I hope we can hear that.

[Allison Rosen]

Or raped and then burned with that. You know what I'm saying? Any order you like. Pick an order. I want something good. I want some good 48 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, I'm thinking which would be the worst order. Yeah, I know. Okay, let's hear the clip of him denying everything.

[Allison Rosen]

And again, you have to lie. You have to say, I didn't inhale and I don't know that woman. I never touched her and we didn't have sex. I don't think you have to lie. You can't hold lying against them because they have to lie now. Everyone has to lie. And then later on when they have pictures, then they come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you have to.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think we're learning that's a vestige. That's the parsley by the side of the political plate. Unnecessary. Just a vestige of the past.

[Giovanni]

Garnish.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a garnish. It doesn't need to be there. I think politicians, 10 years from now, even five years from now, will start getting savvy and go, hey, man, I'm not perfect. And, yeah, I did some things I'm not too proud of. And that's kind of between me and my wife and my God. And, you know, I'm not a criminal, but, yeah, I am a guy. And I've done some stuff I'm not. I'm not too thrilled about as of many of you. But let's focus on the topics. Let's focus on the economy. Let's focus on creating jobs. That would be nice. Then that will happen because they'll have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to. Yeah, lying's not working well.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, but the problem is, is you used when you were. When you were a Kennedy, you're like, oh, hey, man. Yeah, she was drunk, so I was giving her a ride home. And then all of a sudden the fucking bridge railing gave out and the car was upside down and I panicked. And so, you know, a day later, So I called 911. You know what I mean? And then everyone goes, well, I guess we're gonna. But now, now they have receipts and time dates, and there's you entering the 711 to buy the Zima's for her. And it's at 2:02am and here's when you left. And then here's another. Here's another intersection camera that caught your Car going through it this time. And then your cell phone records. So the technology has caught up and passed the line. Guys are still in Kennedy mode. Like, they're still in. I did not inhale. I did not touch that wall, stupid. They need to jump out. Yes. That's where we're getting now. We're behind the technology. We're still like, a bunch of guys are getting caught cheating because the chicks are looking at. This is what. My son is not gonna get busted for cheating because his wife looks at his cell phone record. That is our generation, Right. We're not Hitchcock.

[Adam Carolla]

How will they do it in the future?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. Like, they're gonna. They're gonna. They're gonna go like, sonny, I caught your avatar beating off to another avatar or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Birds. Sticky.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? So that's what's gonna happen. But we're still. Politicians are still in lying mode.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So let's hear it.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. I chose to address these accusations directly rather than try to do it through a series of continuous statements or spokespeople, because that's the person Herman Cain is. Is to take my message directly to the people. With respect to the most recent accusation, I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, peer, period. I saw Ms. Allred. Allred and her client yesterday in that news conference for the very first time. As I sat in my hotel room with a couple of my staff members, as they. He said staff and members. Got to the microphone, my first response in my mind and reaction was, I don't even know who this woman is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the identity of the first accuser has come out, and she works for, like, the treasury, and people are saying her credibility is beyond reproach. And in fact, someone. A CNN commentator, was saying that when she found out who this woman was, she was like, oh, man, that looks really bad for Kane because this woman is just so esteemed and credible. He likes pussy and he likes blonde pussy.

[Allison Rosen]

I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I don't know what color.

[Allison Rosen]

Really sadness for the rest of the world. Every time I hear one of those things where the chicks go, Every culture is different to your culture. You know, a long, tall, blonde woman.

[Adam Carolla]

There is no racial bigotry here.

[Allison Rosen]

But in other cultures. Now, Heidi Klum wins every. Every beauty pageant. All cultures want to fuck a tall blonde. Now where are the white women at?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like saying she's 5 2.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a culture that likes high def, large flat screen panel televisions, whereas other. Yeah, I'm listening. Want black and white Zeniths. With a tube that are 13 inches.

[Adam Carolla]

With the rabbit ears. We like the rabbit ears.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry. With foil on them. That you use vice grips to change the change. No, we all went to flat panel with the high def. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Penn State sex scandal.

[Allison Rosen]

Except for me.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you like?

[Allison Rosen]

I like brunettes. I like my wife. Hey, where are the white women at?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you never had a thing for blondes?

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, you know, my whole thing with chicks is good looking is good looking. Mm. Let's not.

[Adam Carolla]

You're colorblind to the hair.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm having trouble. I had trouble enough getting laid without, you know, taking whole segments of society and taking them off my potential blowjob list. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

What about red hair?

[Allison Rosen]

Good looking is good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

I like curly red hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, eventually, if you go, what if she's fat, pockmarked with an A cup and a huge dimpled ass and red hair? Well, then eventually, not good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm saying? From curly red hair to that.

[Allison Rosen]

You got one more and we would have started getting ugly, Right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Paterno, Penn State's head coach for 46 years, who just had his 409th victory, the most for any major college football coach, is facing resounding calls to resign in disgrace.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I realized first off? Unbelievable. He's like 90. What?

[Adam Carolla]

He's 86 or something. Or 85 or 82.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, I think he's like 92.

[Giovanni]

No, he's like 85.

[Allison Rosen]

85.

[Giovanni]

He's in his 80s for sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, let's check his. Check his number. I thought he's older than that. But the point is, he is sort of like Columbo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He's got these sounds like Colombo. He looks down. He wears that sweater. He's all frumpy. He's very.

[Adam Carolla]

He's very Colombo is the deal with old men. Their shoulders get higher and their heads get lower.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was your age, television was more. It's called scoliosis. Find out how old Joe Pye is. I swear he's older than 85.

[Adam Carolla]

84. I was right.

[Allison Rosen]

84. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the three numbers I threw out, one of them was right.

[Allison Rosen]

Half birthday's coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

See? Not just chicks. No.

[Allison Rosen]

So he says Kane groped him back in the 60s when he was playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I'm just. I'm not voting for the Caine Sandusky ticket. The calls come after Paterno's longtime assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky was charged with child sex abuse for Alleged incidents dating back to 1994. A graduate assistant informed Paterno of one alleged incident in 2002 that took place in a Penn State locker room shower. Evidently, he walked in and saw Sandusky having sex with like a 10 year old boy in the shower.

[Allison Rosen]

Can't judge.

[Adam Carolla]

I say this in the shower, he looked six.

[Allison Rosen]

I. You know, first there's this thing where you go, well, where would this come from if you didn't do it, like on one hand? Then there was this whole McMartin preschool thing out here that was totally insane. I was out here like 20 years ago.

[Giovanni]

That was a.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a witch hunt.

[Allison Rosen]

And they just kept going and going. The next thing you know, the kids are like pointing at parts on dolls going, that's right. And it closed down the whole school, the whole nine yards. And it went on for like five years. And it turned out no one got molested.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Are you saying you think that might be the case?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I think everyone is curious. Did something. You want to know why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because those were kids. These are adults saying it also. Adults are on you.

[Allison Rosen]

I always think about it like, what if someone just accused bald Brian of molesting somebody or accused me of doing whatever, groping or something, or killing my wife OJ style or whatever. First off, the only reaction would be like, what are you fucking talking about? Are you nuts? First off, I mean, there should be press conference. Hold on, find me the guy. Where's the guy? Show me the guy, because I'm going to sue his ass.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll say it one more time. I did not do it. There'd be more emotion behind it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, not only that, there would be. Not like, well, I'm sorry, my attorney said it'd just be like, what? Kill my wife? What? Who said that? No way. Are you fucking nuts? That's insane. Someone's gonna get sued. And when you do find the killer, I'm gonna need an apology and a big fat check from everybody because I'm sure his DNA is all over the fucking crime scene.

[Giovanni]

A lack of indignation. Indignation is alarming. You know what I mean? The fact they're not like, indignantly like.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are we talking about now? Sandoz?

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, we're talking about anybody. We're talking about O.J. we're talking about. We're talking about anybody's accused of anything, where they go, I did not have relationships. It'd just be like, you're not.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not committing to your life.

[Allison Rosen]

Nuts, right? Yeah, I mean, like if it's like. It's like somebody saying on a Friday night when you just stayed in, pop some corn and watch some 2020 played with your cats.

[Adam Carolla]

Who were you describing? I would watch Facts of Life and look at pictures of puppies.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like somebody said, oh, yeah, you're at the party and you were out of control. And you were. Whatever. And you were. You'd be like, I was leave the house. You'd just be completely indignant about it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be like, why do you think you'd want to know why they think.

[Allison Rosen]

This and who said it? Right, Right. Yeah. You wouldn't be like, I'm already mad. I'll address that when I discuss that with my council. So until then, I'm no comment on leaving the house. Yeah, you just be like that. Are you nuts? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cuz truth is fairly black and white. If. If it's about you.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're OJ and you're basically turning. You turn your front lawn into a pitch and putt and then you hopped on a plane to Chicago and then someone accused you of cutting your wife's head off and some dude who worked at a restaurant, you'd be like, are you fucking nuts? You wouldn't be like, I'm not. No further questions. You know, no way. That's why I always believe it. Anyway, where were we?

[Adam Carolla]

So Paterno, who is not facing charges in the case, says he told his superiors in the athletic department that it's the same.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on. It's the same with people who don't take the stand in their defense. Like, his statement is read through his attorney is that he loved his wife very much. He would never poison her oatmeal with rat poison. And the bond and the insurance that he took out on her only days before was merely a coincidence. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And the reason his fingerprints are on the gun, he was removing the bullets.

[Allison Rosen]

If you really didn't do something, like, if you really, as I said, were downstairs watching the game when your wife fell asleep in the bathtub upstairs and drowned, you'd be like, get me on that fucking stand. And they'd be like, well, what if they. What if they asked me what, I was downstairs watching the game the entire time. They can ask me whatever the fuck they want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no. At no point am I gonna get flustered and go, oh, yeah, I guess I killed her. Like, not if you're downstairs watching the game the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, okay, Molly fell in the swimming pool.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

See I gotta talk to my counsel. I mean, seriously, are you sure you didn't push her? Yeah, I'd be like, abs, in the fucking kitchen. Kitchen. I heard a bark, I came outside, she's covered with water.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. What were you doing in the kitchen?

[Allison Rosen]

Shit, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

You weren't prepared for that one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I wasn't prepared for that one. I'm raping my kids. Oh, shit. God damn it.

[Giovanni]

What have I done?

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry, I just confessed to a greater crime. What if the guy just panicked and shot out something even worse?

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's why he shouldn't have taken a stand. Okay, so he's not facing charges, but he says he told his superiors in the athletic department about what the graduate assistant saw. Paterno was told that Sandusky was, quote, fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a young boy, according to a grand jury. However, it's later come out that, no, he knew a little more explicitly what was seen. So that's sort of a question.

[Allison Rosen]

This is why I would be a shit. This is why I'd be a shithead coach. And also, I'd make a bad Padre, too. I'm not talking about the baseball team in the church. Because, like, if I walked back and I saw, like, Dawson raping Lynch, first of all, first, my first impulse would.

[Adam Carolla]

Be, look how pleased they look with this analogy.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, first would be, I told you not to talk about that. First thing would be, lynch, get your hands off my car fender number one. Do it over the patch. I mean, you're gonna get raped.

[Adam Carolla]

Have some respect.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like my car is getting raped, too. You know what I mean? It's a P R E. Dotson, number one, number three, number two. And then lynch, like. And then somebody, like. And. And then Jeff, like, came in and saw, like, I'd just be like, just knock it off. Just knock it off. Let's just go home. Like, can we just pretend like this? Dawson, just don't rape lynch anymore. And, like, let's. I don't want to have to call the cops.

[Adam Carolla]

Or don't you think you'd be like, just don't do it on my car or in my studio. Because if so, you'd be just like.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd just be bad. Like, I just. My. My. I. I'd be bad. I wouldn't want to get people involved. Like, I'd just be like, just don't do it. Let's move forward. I'd be horrible. I'd be a crappy monsignor.

[Adam Carolla]

What if you saw One of them raping someone younger than lynch, though, like a young boy, Like a kid. I have a feeling you would call the authority.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the 10 year old. Yeah, yeah. Still in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the. Because the kid's liable. It'd be a mini bike.

[Allison Rosen]

Because chocolate on his fingers. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All over the fenders.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

That's not chocolate.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Ew. Turno has said in a statement that he did what he was supposed to do with the one charge that was brought to his attention. On Tuesday, a Paterno news conference during which he was expected to face questions about the scandal was canceled. And it's not going to be rescheduled, the university said in a statement. Due to the ongoing legal circumstances centered around the recent allegations and charges, we have determined that today's press conference cannot be held. Will not be rescheduled. And Sandusky, you know, he has this outreach charity called the Second Mile where he helps kids in need. And there's. But that's also how he was meeting these young, young kids.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why you don't trust anyone, to reach out to kids. I've said it many times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's like. And I've talked about it on the show. At my grade school, we had this huge molestation case and it was the PE teacher.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, the reason why.

[Adam Carolla]

Suspicious of people who want to be around kids.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was a Catholic Big Brother, everyone was sitting around.

[Giovanni]

Did you just fly to Denver, by the way?

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, everybody. True.

[Adam Carolla]

Except us.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone was sitting around the room and they were like, trying to weed out the troublemakers, you know, and they're like, there's some creepy dudes, you know, like, they're like. And Tim, why did you want to be a Catholic Big brother? I'm from St. Louis and I relocated out here and just lonely, you know? And like, I was. I was like, adam, why are you here? Because I am in an improv troupe with a dude named Paul and his wife Maria works for the Catholic Big Brothers, and she kind of basically talked me into it and then, by the way, quit. But I'm committed for two years now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a two year commitment.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a one year, every weekend for one year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. Look up the Catholic Week Brothers. I think it's. I think it's one weekend for every. For the first year, I think at least was what it was first year, every weekend. And then after that, you can kind of make your own schedule. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

What's in it for you other than just salvation and bragging rights and access to young kids, school credit money.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, you don't get. You have to pay for everything. You have to pay for, you know, if you go to McDonald's or if you go to Knott's Berry Farm or something, you got to pay. They don't kick you over anything. Yeah. If you're poor, it blows. And I was poor, so it was a lot of like, hey, let's go to Taco Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

And you actually did this. Are you still in touch with your younger brothers?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Kids shined me on as soon as I got on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

I swear to God, the guy cut me loose as soon as I got on. As soon as I had an ounce of fame.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

He was threatened. He couldn't handle it.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. What happened was, is I had this kid, his name is Nate, and I took him out. And then I would take Tim, the Russian rapper's friend, out. Fat Russian kid, probably in prison out too. And. And I was. And we saw each other every week. And he would, like, sleep over and stuff. Like, he'd come to my improv shows when I was with my troop, and we'd go out afterward and hang out and, like, take him to movies and all that kind of crap. There's a picture of me and Nate from back in the day. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Boy isn't bad either.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and then I met him, like, about two years before. I just sort of got on the radio and stuff, and I just started getting. And then as soon as I got, like, on Loveline or Mancha or something, that's about it.

[Adam Carolla]

You should Facebook him, find out he was. You should call him.

[Allison Rosen]

He was getting to the end of his thing, you know, honestly, what it was. He got a girlfriend. And when you take a nerd who has not groped a guy who's gone gropeless through high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I hear you.

[Allison Rosen]

And he turns 19 and you break him off a big fat wedge of groper.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean if he's. If he. If he cuts himself a slice of pussy?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, a one year commitment of a few hours spent with the child. Two or three times. Oh, two or three times each month. All right, There you go. I thought it was once a week, but maybe it was a.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think we should call your little brother. Yeah, we should get in touch with him. I think that'd be funny to do it on the show.

[Allison Rosen]

He's. You know, I was thinking the other Day, he's older now than I was when I adopted him back in the day.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that weird when that happens?

[Allison Rosen]

And I had a good time with him, and we just never. Once he started getting laid, I guess. And once I started going on the man show and stuff, it just never hit me up again. He came out to the man show one time. He was a funny guy because he was a real quiet, shy guy. And it wasn't any big deal. Like, he showed up to the man show for one taping one day, and he just kind of, like, looked around. He's like, yeah, not bad. And, you know, drank a Coke and split.

[Adam Carolla]

How did he. Why did he need a big brother? Like, how was he in this program?

[Allison Rosen]

His dad, he had a mom, he had two sisters, and I think an adopted kid named Gabe from, like, Guatemala or something. The dad was around, but he was in Africa, so it was a little out of a lot of range. And he was in Kenya. He was a white dude who was in Kenya there for some. I don't know what business he was there on. I don't know what he did officially, but he lived in Kenya full time. And so his dad wasn't around, and I guess his mom just signed him up. I thought I was going to get a little black kid or something. Yeah, I got a white kid. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Anyway, good guy. Find him. Find him one of these days. He's never reached out to me. He's never found me. He's never tracked me down. He's never done the thing. I mean, we.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we'll know if he listens to the podcast or not.

[Allison Rosen]

If he contacts you after this computer guy, one thing I told him is, listen, you're a shit student. Focus on computers. I mean, this is circa 1993. Like, I was like, look, man, he's like, I'm gonna go to junior college and then I'm gonna transfer. And I'm like, I said, listen, you're a bad student, but you're good at computers. And I think people are gonna be using computers in the future. So. But again, we didn't know shit, you know? 92, 93, no one had a cell phone. No one had a laptop. You know, it wasn't. You think of it. Internet. Not really up and running too much. It wasn't a given. But I was like, you like computers? I think computers are going to be part of the future. And you're a crappy student, and you going to junior college for two years and wasting everyone's time. Is not going to make you a better student. So why don't you go to a computer school, focus on computers and then a year from now you'll be making 30 bucks an hour. Instead of three years from now you'll graduate junior college, you'll be making nothing. So I think he went to computer school. He sort of focused on computers and next thing you know, he was like 21, 22 and he had a good gig and he had a girlfriend and that was it. That was yesterday's news. And also, you know, he needed me back then, you know, but then once he had money in his pocket and a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he used you, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

A little groping going on. I didn't. You know, the thing with me is I wasn't doing it to make friends, you know, I. I mean I was, you know, I was 28 or 29. I wasn't. I want to hang out with a 12 year old, you know, that's cause.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re not a molester.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I didn't want to hang out. Buy the fucking kid Taco Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I just did it because it seemed like the right thing to do and like I was a good candidate for it and I wasn't. I didn't have my own kids, I didn't have a lot of responsibilities and I got. I honestly would have never done it if I didn't get sort of sucked into it. We used to do their Christmas show every year at the church, you know. And actually the church. Church actually churched at Uncle Frank. Where his ceremony was at is where we do our Christmas show. Because like I said, Paul's wife did this for a living and she would call her husband's group to come do the whatever. And that's what happened. So I got sucked into it. But then I liked it. You know, once I got into it, I liked it. But it was like.

[Adam Carolla]

And then this kid just drops me.

[Allison Rosen]

He dropped me. Yeah, he lived on the west side. The only part that sucked is he lived on the west side. And I lived in La Crescenta and I drove a piece of shit Trooper. Like no air conditioning, like on the highway, you know. Four banger.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a long distance relationship.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So a lot of the sleepover stuff was. Wasn't just sexual. A lot of it was just out of, out of range. I got a nice bus. I don't feel like driving you home. He calls me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it forced you guys to go faster than you would have normally because of the distance, moving along.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you Keep stuff at his place.

[Allison Rosen]

He'd sleep over and hang out. And, you know. You know, the thing that was good about it is you would find yourself doing things you would never do. Like, I went to the beach all the time with him because it was free. And you just start thinking of free. I had no money, so I was like, we're gonna get up on Sunday, and we're gonna get up early, and we're gonna go to Taco Bell, and then we're going to the beach, and then we're going up to the mountains, and we. We're gonna go up to Pepperdine and go walk around up at the church and look at the view, and you just find yourself doing things where it's normally. Putts around in my sweatpants till noon. Beat off and take a nap. See what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

When did you find time to do that?

[Allison Rosen]

That's my point.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's come full circle now.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm making up for it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. I'm better than that. And also, zip it, cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, there you go.

[Bald Brian]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Stamps.com. you got better things to do than hang out at the post office, don't you? That's why they're stamps.com. you can print official US postage using your own computer. Look, people, here's the deal. You got to send stuff, right? Big stuff, small stuff, letters, parcels, whatever. And do it. Do it this way. Save yourself a bunch of money and don't leave your house.

[Adam Carolla]

And don't make the mistake that both you and I have made of double stamping.

[Allison Rosen]

I do the double stamp and the double lick every time with a side of gropage. Yeah. Stamps.com. they'll got a $100 bonus offer for you. It includes a digital scale and 45 bucks free postage. So you get the scale, you get 45 bucks free postage. Get an extra 10 bucks of free postage if you tell them Adam sent you. Go to stamps.com. click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in AdamStamps.com promo code, AdamStamps.com. all right, quick break. Back with your relationship calls next. Yeah. Hey, Amy Mann coming in tomorrow. Everybody. Hush, hush, Keep it down now. Voices care Song holds up nicely, by the way. Good song. Yeah. Good songwriter, good artist. And her husband, Michael Penn. Yeah, that guy screwed up once and called him. Who's the other Penn?

[Giovanni]

They're Sean Penn.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's Sean Penn.

[Adam Carolla]

Bj.

[Giovanni]

Chris Penn from Reservoir Dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

BJ Penn's a mixed martial artist. I called her husband Chris. But after Chris, that died. Bad times. Yeah. Chris, Ben. Only guy I went out and had a pop with after Loveline. The only one, the only time where the show ended at midnight and a guy, a guest, said, let's go get a drink. And I went like, yeah, all right. And he said, there's a cop bar down the street. Yeah, that's it. Culver City.

[Giovanni]

It's a cop bar in Washington.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I don't know why they need bars for cops, but. Yeah, I thought they put people behind bars.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Allison Rosen]

Good one, Ace, man. So we went to this cop bar and got drunk. I mean buzzed. I mean buzz driving. You know how it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you had a pop.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So I just like the idea. I like the idea of a guy who goes to a bar and get drunk. I never. I get drunk at a restaurant or I get drunk at home, but I'm just going to a bar on a weeknight and get drunk. And it was after midnight when we went. I was like, all right, it's been a while. Let's go get drunk.

[Giovanni]

Tommy Lee took us there. I don't think you were there, but he took the crew there. He bought us all drinks.

[Allison Rosen]

I do. There was something to that. Yeah, I do remember.

[Adam Carolla]

That looks like San Francisco.

[Giovanni]

That's not it.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not it.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that is San Francisco. Then.

[Allison Rosen]

Amazon. By the way, speaking of San Francisco and other parts unknown, our Amazon affiliate program now expanded out to. It says here the uk. I gotta look into that. Oh, the uk. That's why it's capitalized. And some place called Canadia. So if you're in Canada or. It's not a yeast infection. Yeah, it is. If you're in Canada or the UK and you want to support the show, go to the website and hit the Amazon link on our site. Find the links under the Support the Show tab. So thank you. And of course, out here in the good old us Jose vay. Well, you're doing it anyway. God bless you. All right, should we go to the phones?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What do we got up there? Anything we like? By the way, live stand up shows, December 1st through the 4th, Philly, Detroit, Chicago, Denver. Coming to you, baby. Let's see, does it one or three?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, three is the one.

[Allison Rosen]

Three. All right, good. Let's go with two. Favorite part of doing the show. Mike, you really did go to two. I did. All right. I don't want to be mean. Let's go to three. Nick.

[Caller]

Thanks, man. Get it on.

[Allison Rosen]

What's going on?

[Caller]

Not much. How are you guys doing?

[Allison Rosen]

Good. What's your question?

[Caller]

All right, so here's the deal. I'm 29, I've got a decent job. I think I'm a decent looking guy. And I've had a few girlfriends the last few years, but bottom line is I've never met anyone who I absolutely could have seen myself with the rest of my life. And you know, my parents had a great marriage, my older brother's married. I mean, there's two aspects of it, really. One, I love coming home to my own place, which is quiet and empty.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's really nice.

[Caller]

On the other hand, I kind of. I kind of want to be with somebody. But like I said, I'm not gonna force it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, obviously now everything's gotten pushed back. You know, 29 is really. I swear to God, it's like being 19, 20 years ago, maybe 30 years ago.

[Giovanni]

He's in the South. All his friends are married by now, I'm guessing. What do you think, Nick?

[Caller]

No, you're right, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

And not only.

[Caller]

I used to go to weddings. Now my friends are having kids and I feel like I'm a little behind.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to move.

[Allison Rosen]

You'll feel better when they start getting divorced in the next few months.

[Giovanni]

Few months?

[Allison Rosen]

Number one. Number two, as I figured out from going to Mike August bachelor party, you got to make a deal with your friends or at least establish your friends. Like this. I'm gonna get married at 25. Good. I'm gonna get married at 30. Good. I'm gonna marry at 35. Good. I'm getting married at 40. Because you can. Nothing better than going to a bachelor party in your 40s.

[Giovanni]

Stagger that shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Stagger it out, Luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I'm bringing the napkins.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the worst thing you can do is meet a bunch of dudes who all get married in like the same two year span where you're like, ah, fuck, another bachelor party. I'm burnt out from the last one.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, there won't be as good gifts.

[Giovanni]

There's a sweet spot in your 20s, the bachelor parties are great because you're able to party longer. And, you know, it's just. You're wilder and crazier. But you gotta wait. If you wait past your 20s, wait until your 40s, like you said, because that's when you're making real money. And you can do a crazy bachelor party because in your 30s you just get tired early. You know, midnight comes around, you're Like.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to bed.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been on three Bachelor Party.

[Allison Rosen]

Nick, you don't need to get married. You got 10 years, if you want, by these standards.

[Adam Carolla]

I also think that it has to do with not having met the right person. I mean, I know that they say that with. And you can say, whether you agree with this or not, that with guys, it's when you hit that time of your life and whoever you're with at that time. However, I think that, you know, marriage is just an abstract notion until you're with someone that you really think you could marry.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. There's a couple. Couple things. You know, for me, it's always really been about the family part, because otherwise you're just living with somebody. And you can live with somebody, but it's the kids. The relationship really sort of has a meaning when you have kids. Because if you really think about it biologically, just living together with somebody doesn't make any sense. I mean, there's no biological mandate, let's put it to you that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the need for spooning.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, it all depends how you're wired and obviously lines from Top Gun.

[Giovanni]

I got the need.

[Allison Rosen]

The need for spooning.

[Giovanni]

I'll take that again.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel it. So. No, but if you think about it from just a purely sort of natural nature, biological standpoint, you can live in that apartment over there. I can live in this apartment over here. We can fuck in my apartment or your apartment, and we can go to a movie on Saturday night, and you can sleep over, and I can sleep over, and this shit can go on for a thousand. When you have kids, then that whole mama thing and daddy thing, it really just kicks into overdrive. Other than that, you're kind of living together, and maybe you're in love and maybe you're deeply in love, but you're still just. You're hanging out in the same house versus hanging out in the same restaurant and then back in the same apartment. But it's the kids thing that really kicks in. So my vision feeling with marriage is do it about the time of your life that you're thinking about kids. Because other than that, I feel like you get married just to hang out. Eight years with somebody under the same roof, it's like, it's fine, but it doesn't. There's no. You don't need to get married for that. It's like. I don't know. It's like you don't need to pass the bar if you're not going to practice law?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Took me a minute to do that one. I've lived with people in my life, and it was sort of pointless. I mean, it was mostly just based on economics. Like, it was just like, I can't afford to keep my apartment if you're gonna keep your apartment. I fucking hate my roommate. He's a douchebag. Like, oh, your roommate's a cunt. All right, why don't we look great on a Hallmark card? But, yeah, your roommate's a douchebag and my roommate's a cunt. Why don't we get together and save some money? It was a lot of that. And the next thing you know, you're on top of each other and arguing way too much. But, boy, when you have kids, pow, it's like. It all comes into focus. Like, oh, I get it now. That's what mama does. Know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I do. The thought I had was, God, what if it doesn't, though? What if you have kids and then, pow. You can't stand each other? That would suck.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But at that point, it's not about you anymore. It's not about how much fun you're having or how exciting this is. It becomes about the kids. I don't mean you build your world around them, you lose your identity. But you start thinking, all right, we got a job. It's sort of a job to do here. Now we're parents now we're not just hanging around, fucking and having a good time.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I like you guys, but if we weren't doing a podcast, I'd never be around you.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my point. Hey, Mike. Hey, Mark. Yeah, what's going on?

[Caller]

What's up? This is Mark.

[Allison Rosen]

Mark, you're on the phone with Adam and Allison and bald Brian.

[Caller]

Pleasure. Pleasure.

[Allison Rosen]

Great to speak to you.

[Caller]

Basically, this is my. This is my thing. So I live in North Hollywood, actually.

[Allison Rosen]

And where do you live?

[Caller]

What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Where do you live in North Hollywood? Oxnard and Laurel Canyon. I take it you're a virgin.

[Caller]

Pretty Mexican, a lot of quinceaneras. I'm the only white boy on the block. But I'm trying to get this money and move up in the hills with you.

[Allison Rosen]

My dad lived on Vantage street, right off of. Right off of Laurel there. One street in from Laurel, off of Oxnard. Oh, what a shitbox. That was the house he bought new for $15,000 in 1976.

[Adam Carolla]

The one that you bought from him on your show?

[Allison Rosen]

No, that was a palace. This was a a frame shack. $15,000 in the 70s.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

In the city, I mean, in the Valley, at least. But $15,000, that was the entire what? The cost.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the down payment? Like a quarter?

[Allison Rosen]

You just go to your car and get what's in the ashtray. It's realtors. Like, whatever's in the ashtray. It's good. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Some loose tobacco.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And a paperclip.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on. I'm picturing Laurel and Oxnard. Right? Yeah, it's fucking depressing. You live in one of those shitty apartments there.

[Caller]

Yeah, they make me crack up. Yeah, man, it's like. It's cool. Like, the price is cool, but it's just like. It's like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know, the price is cheap.

[Caller]

The ranchero music, it's ridiculous.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, you can't judge a wonderful culture who loves horrible, horrible music and paint schemes. Their houses. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay, so here's my deal.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Caller]

I've been, like, online chatting.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow, man. Hold on. Go down. Yeah, no, we're spinning around that we're up on the virtual whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Really close to a gas station.

[Allison Rosen]

Go down. Go down. Go down Oxnard and then make a right on vantage. Show you my dad's house. I know, it's bad.

[Giovanni]

It's not good pod.

[Allison Rosen]

Bad pod. Sorry, go ahead.

[Caller]

Yeah, so I've been chatting with this girl in San Francisco and we've been having phone sex and everything.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm like, that's. That's my dad's street.

[Adam Carolla]

That was like an alley.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. It looks like an alley. And my dad's house is on the right with that weird gate. That weird white gate in front of it. Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah, nice. That is a nice dirt alley there.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's the little metal lions on the gate, though, as if it's a palace.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not my dad's house. This one's behind. Behind it. But the point is, is this street is the street that time forgot. Like, there's no sidewalks. It has never been paved. Like, yeah, take a look at this street. I swear to God, there's dinosaur in it. I mean, there's dirt. I mean, there's dirt all over the side of the road, Right? Like what?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

What year is this? What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know. Indoor plumbing.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my dad's house. Is a dirt driveway. It's a dirt front lawn, everything. It's fucking Mexico.

[Adam Carolla]

Telling people to go there. Involve a lot of, like. Now turn left when you see this, right when you pass. I know, I know. It doesn't look like a street.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wait, hold on. There's mattresses out on the street, by the way. You should see what it looked like in 1975 when I lived there, and it was much worse than it is. This is the new and improved version of it. And no, I didn't tell anyone to come to my house. Yeah, I didn't want to go there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's like Mark. He's having phone sex with a girl in San Francisco.

[Allison Rosen]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

He's having phone sex with a girl in San Francisco, and he wants to know if he should meet her. Not at your place.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's not gonna be good. Jesus Christ. I'm really getting severely depressed. I'm becoming severely. I'm traumatized. I'm traumatized. Like Vietnam vet hearing choppers coming at this point. Now I am fucking traumatized. I don't know what's up with the street. If you go past the street, if you keep going down the street, you'll see that every. Every other street has been paved. And just keep going up the street. You'll see the new pavement. You'll see the new pavement start soon. Just keep going, keep going. Strips. Good pot. There it is. As soon as you get past my dad's street, everything gets paved and everything gets new and everything gets green. But it's like. It's some kind of weird thing where it's like a Corolla lived here. Fuck it. And at some point, look, that's what. That's what the rest of the neighborhood looks like. And then you go to my dad street, it's like. It's like, at some point, there's some city planning thing, and somebody said, let's send some steamrollers. And then when Corollas live there. No fucking way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that's what the rest of the neighborhood looks normal. And my dad's. It's like some kind of weird. It's like one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like the ground's been salted or something. Nothing good can happen there.

[Allison Rosen]

Some kind of weird, like, roadside homage to my piece of shit house in my dad's fucking $15,000 house in North Hollywood. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

People get to the point where people know when Google Earth is coming through the neighborhood and, like, pick up the.

[Adam Carolla]

Matches, and they're like, hey, do you have a BMW? Could you park it on the street? Yeah, because there was a BMW on that street along with the dumpster.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there, see, look, there's. There's the rest of the neighborhood. Brand new paved street. There's my dad's street, and by the way, the street behind it and the street in front of it, it's all fucking brand new except one street, and there's just dirt where the. Where the sidewalks are.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what they say, choose the worst street on the best neighborhood.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the shittiest, Shittiest, most fucked up street in the fucking San Fernando Valley.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel unsafe just looking at pictures.

[Allison Rosen]

I was scared shitless sleeping in the fucking attic of that house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

One mattress on the road, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Multiple mattresses. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like someone was cleaning out a flop house.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Anyway, welcome to Mexico, everyone. Yeah. Turn down the dirt alley. That was. That was. That. That was my view. I stared out the fucking window at night at a dirt alley. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, again, slice of old Mexico, right? North Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Mark, are you. You're having phone sex with her or you're chatting online?

[Allison Rosen]

Who cares? I'm depressed now.

[Caller]

Nah, nah, like, let me know. Adam, you don't want to talk about it now.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, meet someone is. Well, not from North Hollywood, but, you know, move up to Valley Village or something, would you? No, no. Come on, man.

[Caller]

That's the next move.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you seen this girl?

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's cool.

[Caller]

Like, she's a Russian girl. She lives in San Francisco. I'm just trying to follow my excitement, you know? I'm like. I like to explore. Like, I'm down for whatever. Like, just what's the point of life, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, don't go. Don't get anyone pregnant. That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't get killed.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if I trust the Russian chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I trust this guy.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm trusting his excitement.

[Adam Carolla]

Excitement.

[Allison Rosen]

Also, it kind of sounds like the one Backstreet Boy who's got some street cred.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. A.J. or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, remember when you start a boy band?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You have to have the tough one.

[Allison Rosen]

You have the pretty guy, and then you gotta have the other guy, and then there's the other. Then they gotta have this sort of Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg type.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, there should be the one white guy who's the tough dude because he's got some facial hair and torn jeans.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

He's got a little wigger in him. Yeah, that's what that guy was. Yeah, that's that guy.

[Giovanni]

Finely groomed facial hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah. So you got the. You got the ladies. You got the ladies, man.

[Adam Carolla]

One man's Pass.

[Allison Rosen]

You got. You got the kid, the one that sort of man boy, you know, like the sort of 14 year old.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, the Joey McIntyre.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the Joey McIntyre. Right. You got the one that's sort of awkward and shy and say, saving himself, Jonathan Knight for marriage.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you have clear braces.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you have to have the weird wigger guy who is not really. He's.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think it's AJ.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Everyone else in the band's like 140 pounds. And you're 100, 148 pounds. But you do some curls and you cut the sleeves off your leather jacket and you got. And that's your thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Yeah, everyone has a thing.

[Giovanni]

That's his facial hair, but not too much.

[Allison Rosen]

Not too much on the chin, maybe.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, just along the jaw.

[Allison Rosen]

That's him. He's keeping it real.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So it was AJ in the Backstreet Boys. Who was it in?

[Allison Rosen]

In sync, bj, Chris, Backdrop?

[Giovanni]

I mean, I have no idea.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at you.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. And don't get me going on 98 degrees, line four. Let's see. Wes.

[Adam Carolla]

Nick Lachey.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

[Caller]

Not much.

[Allison Rosen]

You got a question?

[Caller]

Yeah. I've been seeing this girl for coming on about three years now. And when I got into it, I knew she was. She was like fucked up, whatever. And. And she's always had this like threat of suicide looming over and she always says stuff like, you know, if this ever ends, you know, I think I couldn't take it.

[Allison Rosen]

And like, I know for that reason.

[Caller]

But I also just have this deep fear of like, you know, pushing her to that or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Tempted before as she's done, like attempt. That was just for attention, you know, like taking enough pills to scare somebody but not enough to kill.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm. Yeah. The cry for help versus the jumping off the bridge.

[Caller]

Right, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What is the root of her deep seated problems?

[Caller]

Some daddy issues or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean, any real abuse?

[Caller]

Apparently there was a next door neighbor or something, but I mean, it's like she. I don't know, she seems almost like she's trying to do it for attention, but I don't know, I mean, I feel like I should get out, but I'm also like. I'm just like teetering on that, like.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, nice to deal with this a lot. When it is Loveline. There's a lot of people out there that are pretty good and fucked up. And also when you're 2122, you're fucked up and you're gonna be fucked up at 43. But hopefully at some point, at 33, you start getting some therapy, maybe a little medication, start getting it a little tai chi or something and you mellow out a little bit and then it's kind of okay to date at that point. That's right. That pan fluid fires up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, it was on fear and.

[Allison Rosen]

You'Re fine at this point. You ain't gonna do a whole lot to change in this person. And as a 23 year old dude or 22 year old dude, you're ill equipped. You got nothing. I mean, I was pretty psychologically sophisticated for a 22 year old and I still didn't know shit about Ginola. I knew nothing. So.

[Adam Carolla]

So plus, short of a therapist, someone.

[Allison Rosen]

There'S nothing you're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Another human being can't really do anything for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I really feel bad when I sort of tell people to just kind of cut bait with these people, but you're not gonna cure someone who's that fucked up. And, but what about the idea that.

[Adam Carolla]

She is threatening suicide if they break up? I mean, how does.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, Wes. Yeah, you need to say to her at least, and I'll just pair it with. Dr. Drew would say any suicide talk or attempt is to be taken seriously. And you're just gonna call 911? Yeah, like if she calls and goes, I don't know what I'm gonna do. You're like, I'm gonna hang up and call 911 right now and have whatever paramedics dispatch to your house. Because I have to take this seriously. I have to take this as if you're going to make an attempt on your life. That's gonna be your posture in this whole thing. But if you want out, you get out. And if she threatens, then you tell her. Any threat you make will be followed up with me hanging up the phone and then calling 91 1. All right.

[Caller]

All right, thanks a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks. Take care, Wes. Still depressed about thinking about killing myself because of my dad's voice. All right, how bad was that street? There's just dirt on the side. Dirt and mattresses. Fucking if I had air strike, napalm, boom, gone.

[Giovanni]

Rich man, poor man. No sidewalks.

[Allison Rosen]

No sidewalks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one didn't run into a golf course. It ran into dirt and a guy was napping. All right, let's see. This guy's dad's addicted to online porn. I like the cut of his skin. Jason, how Dare you. Hey, how you doing there? Hey, man, look. Gonna watch Bruce. Watch the Internet, Jason. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Hey, how you doing there?

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Caller]

So here's the problem.

[Allison Rosen]

I got.

[Caller]

I got. My dad retires about two years ago. He's got a good pension. You know, he's doing all right. He's got enough to take care of himself. All of a sudden, he's borrowing money from me. I can't figure out what the fuck going on. And so I live in San Diego. The rest of my family lives in South Florida. I hear from my sister that the reason my dad has no money is he's blowing everything by not only looking at online porn, but he's buying it, which is also a little embarrassing.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on, hold on, Jason, this is a bogus call. Yeah, Brian, I wish you weren't a liar. Going bogus. I just wish you weren't a liar. Yeah, going bogus, Jason, bogus.

[Caller]

Listen, I got. My dad's. He's in his mid-60s. He can barely figure out how to use a computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Then how's he buying it?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'm sick of all your lies, Jason.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Please, please. You must adhere to the Marquis of Queensberry rules of bogus calls. When I call bogus, bogus. If it's bogus, you have to admit it's bogus. Yes.

[Caller]

Not at all.

[Allison Rosen]

Shut your mouth, you dirty liar. All right.

[Caller]

I wish it were.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Dear sir, I will continue with this call. You're such a lawyer. First off, I've seen those. I can't sign up for any of that online porn because all my fucking statements go through my. Tony Reed's office. So I can't.

[Giovanni]

That's laughing, because I know Tony. Adam, what is this?

[Allison Rosen]

Every once in a blue moon, he gets sent a weird box from somewhere that's not supposed to be sent to his house. You know what I mean? Best of Swedish Erotica 49 shows up at his fucking place. I have to go get it from his secretary.

[Giovanni]

He spent 15 seconds describing Tony Reed, so it's funnier to the audience. He's the most mild mannered.

[Allison Rosen]

This guy I went to high school with. Like, this guy. I don't want my statements going through Hammer. His girl, this, you know, this woman. I can't do anything. You know, I've. God knows I've been.

[Adam Carolla]

Linda.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Linda. I've been on the road and seen those things where it's like, hey, $4 for two days of this website. And they're like, I'm out of. I'm on the road. For three days. I got four bucks. I don't give a. About four bucks into the machine. I'll talk about this. I'll give you $40 worth of 12. Give you two 20s right now for two hours. But I can't have the fucking card going through the thing. And I don't know what to do with the thing. And I don't wanna. This should just be like a debit porn card or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a Kinko's card. You should be able to fill it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like, we will get phone cards and like that. Yeah, I gotta look into that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ask this guy's dad.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, how much can you spend on that? It's really. It seems like a heart. Is it now? Unless you're doing on like, you're. You're. You're talk. Your dad's talking to people.

[Caller]

No, I think he's just buying videos. I think he's buying everything he can buy.

[Allison Rosen]

DVDs are practically free now.

[Giovanni]

Kernel of truth is that if you're in your 60s, maybe you're of the generation that's like, oh, I must buy these things. Hard copies, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Got to make hay while the sun shines.

[Giovanni]

Hard copies, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it's online.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, online understands the concepts of streaming. Well, then what's he buying to buy every. I know, but those movies are, you know, they're 14 bucks. I mean, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, just show him one of those free sites. If this is real and you want to keep your money.

[Allison Rosen]

You're 36. I can't have your sister do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, what's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

If this is true, he's essentially addicted to this stuff. And there must be some kind of intervention that I will definitely not be attending.

[Caller]

I can't attend that either. There's no way I could attend that.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, all right. I don't know. Then. Then you got to get a raise. That's. That's really. That's the only cure to this. That's all they can do. All right, one more. Is that Kershaw?

[Adam Carolla]

Kershaw.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe Kershell.

[Caller]

Yes. Kershell.

[Allison Rosen]

What's going on, Kershell?

[Caller]

Nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I am one of your female black listeners out here in Maryland.

[Allison Rosen]

Black female listener.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. No, we had three, but one lost, actually. Sizzling. Lost a leg to diabetes. And Nichilla was claimed by sickle cell last year, so. Kiss my fat ass. So you're it, baby.

[Caller]

Okay, I'll save it.

[Allison Rosen]

Phil Henry vanishes his. That's Phil Hendry's joke. But Nachella is an actual name of a black chick that my buddy Doug DeLuca went to high school with in New Jersey. Christ. Sorry. Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Kershaw.

[Allison Rosen]

Kershell. Yeah, sorry. Kershell. What's going on? Where do you live? Maryland.

[Caller]

I live in Maryland. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're my one black female listener. How'd you catch. How'd you get onto me?

[Caller]

Just browsing through podcasts on what to listen to. And I started listening to you while I was working a couple years ago, and now I have your app and I see you pretty much every day.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna say something subtly racist. Hey, I defended Herman Cain.

[Adam Carolla]

That's great.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's as subtly racist. Like when you talk to black guys and you say man a lot. Hey, man. All right, man. And then over under on me, weaving in David Alan Greer's 18.33 seconds. David. Alex Rear is just on the show. You know David. Oh, you don't? Well, he's black too, but I hear.

[Caller]

Him on your show.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he's awesome. Isn't he? Man.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re definitely down with the black people, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Hey, man, you sound hot.

[Caller]

I do. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You good looking?

[Caller]

I think so.

[Allison Rosen]

How much trouble is the hair, being a black.

[Caller]

You know, funny, I just stopped relaxing and went natural, so it's a lot more trouble than it was last year.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, it's trouble to relax, right?

[Caller]

It is, but it's even more trouble to not relax.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what's it look like now? Cheryl from Good Times. Like how she wore her hair?

[Caller]

Pretty much. I have, like a poofy fro.

[Allison Rosen]

I kind of like Adam. Here's the thing. Like me. Yeah. The thing about the poofy fro is the poofy frozen fro when you're really cute works, but outside of that, it's tough. It's a tough sell.

[Caller]

I don't have a nice smile, so I think it kind of goes along with the poofy fro, and I'm just tired of it every day.

[Allison Rosen]

I was just picturing the poofy fro and the smile. I really was the cute smile. And the poofy fro is a nice, nice combo. It's a little uncle tomboy, you know, it's got a little tomboy, but a little black tomboy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's sassy as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I don't know what they're called. The black tomboy. I gotta have a name. Yeah, we'll work that out. All right. Yeah. Anyway, I like that. What do you do for a living?

[Caller]

Actually, I work at an animal hospital.

[Allison Rosen]

Nice. Rescuing those animals.

[Caller]

So I listen to you and your worries with your dog, and I understand.

[Allison Rosen]

Jesus Christ. Part of me didn't want to dog too.

[Caller]

I mean, I'm not as expensive as.

[Allison Rosen]

Your dog, but now. Now, now, by the way, is a $3,000 eye surgery that may or may not work. By the way. I would glaucoma. Yeah. I would love being a fucking veterinarian.

[Caller]

Oh, they make lots of money.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. It's got to be great because I. I should have brought this. I should have brought this when I was a carpenter. I should have done this like, hey, man, I'm gonna be hanging that front door. It's gonna be about three grand. It doesn't always work. I'm being up front with you right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes I have to destroy the whole house.

[Allison Rosen]

It won't latch. The DEC deadbolt won't line up. It won't stay shut. So I'm just telling. I'm telling you right now. So here's the way this can go. You can have. If you don't love your house, you have no front door. Or I can come in and hang a front door for $3,000, but no guarantees. No guarantees. Or I may hang the front door and it may not work. And for another two grand, I'll try it again, but there'll be no guarantees about that either. And then there'll be no. When I leave and your front door doesn't work, there'll be no, like, you calling me and asking for your money back.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So those are your options. What do you think?

[Caller]

I've been there, and I have to tell people stuff like that all the time, which is a little difficult.

[Allison Rosen]

But do you know my new plan? How many dogs you figure you put down a week over at your facility.

[Caller]

Because it's an emergency facility. It's more just because we see the most urgent or deathly cases. So it is a higher percentage. Percentage per se than like a general vet.

[Allison Rosen]

And what do you. So what do you think? One or two, three or four? How many a week would you say?

[Caller]

It can be as much as 10, 10 a week. During the holidays it goes up.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Caller]

People are home and they kind of realize, oh, everyone's home. Let's go and do it while the kids are home from college and that sort of thing. Actually, the holiday.

[Allison Rosen]

Chrishell, tell me from an etiquette standpoint what you think of this, because this is something I was floating with Dag the other day, where I just come down to your facility down there, Marilyn. I'd hang out and then when somebody had to say goodbye to their Labrador, you know, nine years or 14 years, they. And you, you do that thing where you give them a moment alone, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Some people don't take it.

[Allison Rosen]

I would. I would wait for the person that took it and I'd let them get about four minutes in and I'd be like. And they'd be like, doctor. I'd be like, no. And they'd open the door and go, yeah. What's the dog's name? Dog's name is Snowball. Got a couple minutes with her? Oh, him? Yeah. Or him? Who are you? Let's make this about Snowball. Let's not focus on me right now. I just have a couple animals to. With the dog. I love dogs too. And then I'd come in and I'd go, do you mind? And see if they cleared out and just see what the fuck reaction they had. I think I could get most people to clear out while I had a few minutes with their dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah, you probably could. And there's some people who do get a little closer to other clients because they're kind of in an emotional state.

[Allison Rosen]

I just had the greatest tragedy. I said the greatest, sickest joke either. And then I would walk out of the room zipping my fly. I'm going off. Yeah. Anyone got a Gatorade or some Pedialyte? I got some electrolytes in me. Anyway, she's all yours. I mean, he's all yours. Oh, whatever. Are we kidding?

[Giovanni]

I didn't notice.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, boy, you're doing God's work. You really are with that poodle esque hair of yours. What's your question? Did you have a question?

[Caller]

I do, but I've had like a great talk with you. My question is, I started dating a guy about a year ago, about an hour away. And not that he's given any reason for me to believe that he's being unfaithful. Our schedules just don't seem to match up. We never get to spend any time together as often from like the last two months. And then he also, since time with like his friends, he goes. I was like, oh, yeah, I went outside night with my buddies. But yet he didn't call me out.

[Allison Rosen]

He's an hour away.

[Caller]

He's an hour away.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I have found this when it comes to relationships. When somebody says, well, he's working a lot so he doesn't have time for dating, or he's an hour away. Or when a guy wants to be with somebody, he will be with somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

And if for some reason he can't, he'll let you know because he doesn't want you to think that he doesn't want to be.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. And he.

[Caller]

Yeah, that talks about reassuring me, but it's just like one of those things where it's like you get to talk and you're still.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but how long. How long you been with him?

[Caller]

We started. It didn't get serious until about three months ago. Like, we've been seeing each other since last year.

[Allison Rosen]

Also, the thing where. Well, we saw each other for about a year, but we saw other people, too, or we weren't really serious, and then we kind of got serious. That's another weird thing too. Like, man, when you know, you know. And I'm not talking about Tom Hanks movies from the 90s, but I just mean when you into somebody, you're into someone, you don't hang out for six months and then get into it. I like you a lot, Kershaw, and I just think, you know what? I think you can do better. And I don't see this one ending in marriage and kids and all that stuff. And you're 32 and it's time to start, really.

[Adam Carolla]

And let's say you're thinking, he'll come back for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing to lose.

[Allison Rosen]

It is that kind of thing that the sort of old adage or joke or whatever at the Rolls Royce dealership, which is if you have to ask the price, then you don't. You can't afford. Afford it. And if you're a year in at 32 and you're kind of going, he doesn't. And I'm not sure. And we don't. And he's not very excited about it. I'm not. If you're asking yourself these questions six months or even three months now that they're serious at this point. If you're asking 32 years of age. Moving on.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Allison Rosen]

Moving on. All right.

[Giovanni]

That doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

For the cruel classics.

[Giovanni]

Hope you enjoyed all the clips. Until next time, mahalo and get it on.

[Allison Rosen]

Sa.