Andy Kindler + Josh Wolf (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Andy Kindler + Josh Wolf (Carolla Classics)

Original Episode Dates:

• Andy Kindler (Ep 341): June 10, 2010
• Josh Wolf (Ep 1394): August 18, 2014
  Carolla Classics Air Date: May 29, 2026

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode features two vintage segments from The Adam Carolla Show archives—one with comedian Josh Wolf, another with comedian Andy Kindler. The episode showcases the trademark Carolla blend of unfiltered humor, pop culture riffs, societal gripes, and the panel's signature banter. Highlights include rants on everyday inefficiencies (like recycling and driving laws), a lively Rotten Tomatoes movie game, anecdotes about fear-driven parenting and cleanliness, and sharp comedic discussions on topical events and showbiz personalities.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

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1. Everyday Frustrations: The Color of Recycling Bins and Driving Laws

[02:12–07:21]

• Adam rails against illogical city policies:

  • Details inconsistent bin colors for recycling and garbage across LA counties.
  • Praises Long Beach for their unique, bright purple recycling bins, making recycling easy.
  • Rants about apartments lacking recycling dumpsters:

    “There's now 100 people living where four people used to live and creating 10 or 100 times as much garbage...Why doesn't the city go, hey, we're gonna drop a dumpster off at this place where all these people live?” (05:47, Adam)

• The right-on-red confusion:

  • Glendale and Burbank have differing street light rules, adding another layer of municipal inconsistency.

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2. "Chicken-Sh*t" Police Tactics & The Italian Supercar Stampede

[08:11–13:38]

• Supercar road trip to Monterey:

  • Adam recounts spotting a parade of Lamborghinis and Ferraris, the “Italian Stampede,” and how CHP (highway patrol) “looked at these guys like bears look at salmon in a river.”

  • Adam argues supercar owners get needlessly ticketed, despite paying massive taxes:

    “Why are we hassling the guys in the supercars, who pay for all of our schools and parks?” (09:46, Adam)

• Radar detectors vs. "badge-of-honor" ticketing:

  • Cops see ticketing celebrities or rich drivers as a brag-worthy catch.
  • Discussion on apps like Waze as a way to outsmart speed traps (12:51–13:55).
    • Adam: “Download that app and then just tell everyone where the cops are...we'll beat them at their own shitty game.” (13:38, Adam)

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3. Showbiz Life: The Weight of Sadness and High-Energy TV

[14:47–22:16]

• Behind the scenes: filming TV promos
  • Adam describes discomfort shooting Spike TV promos, reading “RIP Sarah Jones—you’ll never be forgotten” on the slate right before delivering comedy.
    • “There's a lot of dead people out there, and if they're all represented on this slate, I'd kill myself before I then spat out the comedy...” (17:28, Adam)
• Being a TV Production “Worker Bee”
  • The hierarchy and grind of set life:

    “It's kind of nice being the slightly more important person on the show because...I want to get the fuck out of here.” (22:09, Adam)

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4. Rotten Tomatoes Robin Williams Movie Game

[26:18–36:48]

• Matt Atchity (Rotten Tomatoes) leads a tribute game:

  • Featured films: "Good Morning, Vietnam," "Dead Poets Society," "The Fisher King," "Hook," and "Night at the Museum."

  • Group guesses critics’ scores; lively side commentary on each film’s merits:

    • On Dead Poets Society:

      “It’s not a good movie. He’s charming, but not a good movie.” (29:18, Brian Bishop)

    • On Mrs. Doubtfire:

      “There’s no bad guy...Robin Williams has to play not only two characters, but the hero and the villain. That’s a really unique way of telling a story.” (36:29, Brian Bishop)

• Results:

  • Allison Rosen leads until a wrong call on “Hook” (goal-line fumble), but wins overall.
  • Commentary on how critics often punish light family films but award heavily serious topics.

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5. Rants & Anecdotes: Adult Hygiene and Modern Parenting

[46:44–55:15, 55:15–61:18]

• Adam laments open cookie bags and food hygiene:

  • Expresses disbelief at repeatedly having to instruct adults to seal snack bags.

    "I had no idea that I would spend my adult life talking to other adults about non-adult issues..." (48:00, Adam)

• Josh Wolf on the “two-second” rule:

  • “It’s two seconds of your life to keep cookies fresh.” (51:28, Josh Wolf)
  • Extended analogy: closing the loop on any simple act, like flushing a urinal.

• Cleanliness vs. Real Dangers:

  • Adam rails against society’s obsession with germaphobia and Purell, suggesting it makes us physically weaker.

    “The more chapstick you use, the more chapstick you need...We need to expose our kids to dirt and germs so they can build up immunity.” (57:01, Adam)

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6. Fear-Driven Society & 80s/90s Parenting vs. Today

[55:15–58:48]

• Adam and Josh recall less-protective childhoods:
  • Lament today’s fearful, over-protective parenting despite statistics showing greater real dangers (like drowning or accidents).
  • Adam: “Our parents used to put us on a bike with no helmet, didn’t know where we were going...now everyone is spooked by pedophiles and kidnappers because you read about it online.” (55:17, Josh Wolf; 55:55, Adam)

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7. Homeostasis, Sunscreen, and the Body's Adaptation

[58:53–63:06]

• Are we over-reliant on creams and sunscreen?
  • Adam muses on whether our bodies require more intervention the more we intervene artificially.
  • Discussion about changing hair color in aging, with humorous insights into “old guy apricot hair” and odd patterns of greying body hair.

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8. News & Current Events (2014): ISIS, Jim Foley, Guantanamo

[75:06–86:14]

• Panel addresses the beheading of journalist Jim Foley and rise of ISIS:

  • Adam: “I can't believe it's 2014 and these kind of monsters still roam the planet...They need to be exterminated 100%.” (76:12–77:17)
  • Josh Wolf shares visit to Guantanamo:

    “We found when we let them play PlayStation, they stopped throwing feces at us.” (77:33, Josh Wolf)

  • Discussing the impossibility of the U.S. "exporting sanity" overseas:

    "We can't export sanity...we can't tell who these guys are—they're not playing by any Geneva Convention." (81:42, Adam)

• Panel debates whether it is the responsibility of local communities to police extremists, drawing analogies to domestic gangs or cartels.

  • “Eventually these countries are just gonna have to get their fucking shit together.” (81:42, Adam)

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9. News, Game Shows, and Showbiz Commentary

[88:42–96:27]

• Announcement: Craig Ferguson getting a new talk show and hosting a game show.
• Panel riffs on the game show “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune”:
  • “The people on Wheel of Fortune are like, half retarded.” (90:15, Josh Wolf)
• Bald Bryan discusses winning $100,000 on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”

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10. Comedic Banter: Outlandish Anecdotes & Golden Girls Porn

[66:26–74:42; 181:03–189:36]

• Allison’s ant phobia and bathroom fails, leading into Josh Wolf’s story of sex on an anthill:

  “So they were eating her ass and her cooch, and they had gone up to my nuts...” (68:00, Josh Wolf)

• Riffs on niche and parody porn—Golden Girls XXX gets a theme song.
  • “A bunch of hot chicks in gray wigs is not a great plan.” (187:32, Adam)
  • “The great thing about porn—if you hang around for the credits, the gaffer will be Dick Nibbler and the best boy will be Harry Seward...” (188:31, Adam)

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11. Andy Kindler’s Segment (2010): Comedy, Racial Stereotypes, and The View

[104:01–179:07]

• Adam relates a story about attending the Broadway play “Race” starring David Alan Grier, musing on how perceptions of racial stereotypes play out in the theater.
  • “If you have a play that caters to this group, feel free to start it a little bit later than you think.” (120:28, Adam)
• Panel lampoons “The View” and questions the comedic abilities of its hosts:

  “If you took Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, and Sherri Shepherd and put them into a comic centrifuge...you wouldn't get one drop out of those three put together.” (174:21, Adam)

• Extended jokes about old-school coffee (Sanka), cheap upbringing, and friend groups' impact on life satisfaction.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Why does every municipality pick its own color for recycling? If we really wanted people to recycle, we'd make it easy.” (04:06, Adam)
• “They're not playing by any Geneva Convention...They're not the British soldiers in coats, marching in a line. We can never do this.” (81:42, Adam)
• “We can't export sanity...We just don't care that much about your piece of shit country to come over and make you sane.” (82:13, Adam)
• “The more chapstick you use, the more chapstick you need.” (57:01, Adam)
• “A mobile anthill service for the adventurous lover—there's a niche market!” (69:47, Adam)
• “I've learned: say it right, and we get to go home. Keep arguing, and we're not going anywhere.” (22:09, Adam)
• “If it’s just two people, we’re going with the Sanka.” (160:11, Adam, on generational penny-pinching)

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Most Significant Timestamps

• [02:12] – Recycling bin rant; local governance griping
• [09:46] – Supercar-parade story, "chicken-shit" cop tickets
• [13:55] – Adam's satisfaction using Waze to outsmart cops
• [17:28] – Mourning Sarah Jones on set; how sadness precedes comedy
• [26:18] – Rotten Tomatoes Robin Williams game begins
• [33:56] – Allison's emotional Rotten Tomatoes win
• [46:44] – The great bakery item/hygiene debate
• [55:15] – Parenting, germs, and fear-driven culture
• [75:06] – ISIS/James Foley tragedy discussed
• [188:31] – Porn credit jokes: “Dick Nibbler” and “Harry Seward”

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Tone & Language

The conversation is unfiltered, sharply observational, and swings between outrage, introspection, and outright comedy. Regular sidebars and tangents keep the pace lively, with self-deprecating humor and riffing between panelists. There’s a “nothing is sacred” energy, balanced with moments of tenderness (Allison discussing grief, Robin Williams’ film legacy) and frustration over the world's absurdities.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This packed episode delivers a take-no-prisoners mix of rants, relatable gripes, and razor-sharp wit, all filtered through Adam Carolla’s iconoclastic worldview. You’ll get a snapshot of how the show blends pop culture games with social commentary—whether Adam’s crusading to fix local policies, mocking life’s petty irritations, or holding forth on current events. The cast’s interplay ranges from the hilarious (Golden Girls porn scenes, old people’s coffee neuroses) to surprisingly insightful (societal risk aversion, the limits of American intervention overseas). It’s a must-listen for fans of unvarnished comedy and genuine, sometimes uncomfortable truths.

Transcript

[Teresa Strasser]

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[Adam Carolla]

bonus daily cash back.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now that's music to my ears. Subject to credit approval, limitations and spend requirements apply. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch Terms and more at Apple Co AirPods Foreign.

[Podcast Narrator]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to get access to the full archives of the Adam Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Bill Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcorla.substack.com Sign up and listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcurolla.com Note we cannot play any Loveline content nor any content from the Kayla Sex Adam Corolla show from 2006 to 2009. I currently do remaster both of those shows. For more information, please check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni now on to the clips. Coming first today we have Adam Kroll show 1394. This episode's from 2014 featuring Josh Wolf, Matt Achi, Some Rotten Tomatoes game, along with Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

At first I didn't think it was real.

[Josh Wolf]

I woke up to this blinding light

[Adam Carolla]

and I was transported to another place.

[Josh Wolf]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live.

[Josh Wolf]

There were thousands of movies and shows

[Adam Carolla]

and they were all free.

[Josh Wolf]

True. It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Commercial Voice]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, man Atchity hello. Yeah, that didn't work. I don't think it did. Good day, Allison Rosen Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, you guys threw me off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. And bald bruise sucker.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the second most requested drop when we were gone with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Who threw that one out?

[Brian Bishop]

That was the director of Sharknado Ferrante

[Adam Carolla]

Love Me Samanthony Ferrante.

[Allison Rosen]

What was the first most requested drop?

[Brian Bishop]

I played it. Oh, I played it Monday.

[Allison Rosen]

It was Damoshek Oh, Daddy, your wiener's huge.

[Josh Wolf]

Daddy, your wiener is huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, I'm obsessed with obsessing over everything and just making sense. Like, I'll give you a for instance. And I love it. I love it when there's just a simple fix. I love a simple fix. And I hate how fucking dumb our city is and our state is, and oftentimes our country is. But I was working in Long beach, catching a contractor, and there's not that much to like about Long beach. Except for their recycling bins are bright purple. So the ones that you roll out to the curb are just purple and nothing else is purple. And there's no confusion. Like in Malibu, the recycling bin is brown and the other one is green. So it's totally confusing because you're putting all your plastic shit in the green one or the blue one, but the recycling one is actually the brown one. And then if you come back to Hollywood, it's a different color again. I don't know how much is wasted in recycling with us not knowing exactly which is which and what is what. But show us the purple one again. It's fucking smart. And by the way, you can see it at night. Like that thing where you go out to the trash at night. You have that thing where you're emptying the thing, but you can't quite tell the brown from the gray. Cause it's semi moonless night and you're not sure which one is the tree trimmings and which one's the garbage.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe you've had a bit of Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you've had a bit.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that, yes, chased with some more Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the bottle that you're throwing bot that you're throwing out. I'm just saying, why don't we just make everyone purple? Just citywide, just nationwide, like, just. That'll be. That'll be. Why different. Why does every municipality pick its own fucking color? And then how much is that stifling this process? And do we really want people to recycle or not?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'd be like, wait, which way do the streetlights work? In Burbank, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, that's Glendale. This is Burbank. You cross over red, you go on red, you go, well, not in Glendale or in Burbank.

[Allison Rosen]

Now they should really put up a sign.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, what?

[Matt Achity]

You can't take a ride on red and Burbank. Oh, I'm so screwed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love driving around the pussy who is frozen there in fear, waiting for the man to tell him, it's okay to go. But I just saw these purple ones

[Allison Rosen]

and I was like, yeah, Zazz to the curb.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Curb appeal.

[Brian Bishop]

Fabulous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like every house. Every house is Tommy Tunes house. What's that?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, probably started the confusion. The green bins, back before recycling was a big thing, were for lawn trimmings and all the green stuff, the lawn trimmings, the hedges and all that stuff. Then when recycling became green, that's kind of counterintuitive. It's like, well, what's the color now? Blue.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, if you find me. Malibu. Malibu. The recycling, the recycling is the counterintuitive color. It's like the brown color and blue is the trash. And it's just fucking needlessly confusing. And by the way, why drive a new rental car every weekend? You know what I mean? Don't, don't as human beings, like as citizens, don't you just want to make everything as easy as humanly possible so you can get the result? Or are you interested in recycling? That's my point. Are you really that interested in it?

[Allison Rosen]

Personally, no, not really.

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you this. I lived in a large apartment building. The last apartment I lived in, it had, I don't know, 30 units in it. It was in, like, Toluca Lake. And I wanted to recycle. And I said, well, where's the recycling bin? Like, there's the major dump, you know, there's the big hopper down below, the big trash can, but where's the recycling one? And they say, well, what you have to do if you live in an apartment in the Los Angeles area is you just go ahead and collect your stuff into a trash bag and then you take it down to the way station in Pacoima once a week or once a month. And I'm like, well, why don't they have one here? And they'd say, well, this is not run by the city. This is privately owned property. So they contract out with a garbage disposal place so they don't have recycling. And I'm like, look, there are a hundred people living in the footprint of what was a medium sized single family house in the San Fernando Valley. Except for now, we're stacking ourselves on top of each other, five stories high. There's now 100 people living where four people used to live and creating 10 times or 100 times as much garbage and recycling. And these buildings are all over the San Fernando Valley. That's all the San Fernando Valley is, is you go down Sherman way, you go Down Van Owen, you go down Victory. It's just row. Row after row after row of apartment building. Why doesn't the city go, hey, we're gonna drop a dumpster off at this place where all these people live on top of each other.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a weird technicality where everyone's passing the buck. That's not really technically our problem. It's not technically our responsibility.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, though. I know in my marriage. And I know also as it pertains to the city and we all know in our marriage, and as it pertains to the city what's important to our partners and what isn't. Because the stuff that isn't conveniently gets forgotten about, but the stuff that they care about does not get forgotten about. And Max Appata. We drove, as I say, to Monterey a couple of days ago, and every fucking 10ft there is a CHP guy just hiding behind something. By the way, was on the roof

[Brian Bishop]

rack or in the trunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Got. What's that?

[Brian Bishop]

Was he on the roof rack or in the trunk?

[Adam Carolla]

He's in a glove box.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We put air holes in it, and once in a while, open it up when I need a map.

[Brian Bishop]

It's very benevolent of you.

[Adam Carolla]

All you do. What you do is you put your radar detector on your car. You have to spend $400 so you won't have to spend $400 on a ticket. And. And then you drive staring at the radar detector. And at a certain point when we were going down the five on our way to Northern California, all these guys came from, like, the Italian stampede. It's a bunch of guys. I know it sounds like a gay review sex move in Laughlin, but it's all these guys driving Lamborghini, Murcielagos and Countaches and Ferraris. It's a bunch of dudes driving $300,000 cars. They put a little sticker on the door and make their run from LA to Monterey for the car weekend. And they're not doing anything crazy. But when a stretch of highway opens up a little bit and you're driving a $600,000 supercar with a bunch of other dudes, you tend to put your foot into it a little bit. And these guys were just kind of. There's a picture of it. It's all Italian cars, and they just go from, I'm guessing, San Diego, Louisiana. And they just make the pilgrimage to Monterey. The CHP looked at these guys like fucking bears. Look at salmon in a river. They're just like, oh, this is going to be awesome. And they were just pulling these guys over one after the other. We had our fuzz busters. I'm guessing they did, too. And all. They didn't do anything dangerous. What they would do is a little patch would open up and you could hear them put their foot into it and then slow down almost immediately. Yes, Chris.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

There was too much traffic for them to do anything. Like, too crazy. They're just going a little bit faster, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But it's a bunch of guys who probably don't pay in 10 years in taxes what these guys pay in fucking 10 minutes in taxes. Pulling them over and giving them chicken shit tickets. And by the way, just the tax that they paid in California on their $300,000 card, not to mention a gas guzzler and whatever it is. And look, I know everyone does that thing where they go, oh, Adam, why should we feel sorry for these guys? Don't feel sorry for him. Why are we hassling them? Why are we hassling the guys in the super fucking expensive cars who pay for all of our fucking schools and parks? Why are we fucking hassling that?

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's a badge of honor. Like, you know, I hear amongst cops, like, if you bag a celebrity.

[Commercial Voice]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, if you catch a celebrity drunk driving or something, or give him a

[Adam Carolla]

ticket, you know, yes. It's a bunch of fucking guys who do nothing but pay into the system. And what they did is they sold their first business and they got rid of their first wife, and now it's time to reward themselves with a supercar, and they sold their first wife, and they got themselves a Countach or Murcielago or an Aventador, whatever they're driving. And I want to have a little bit of fun. They're responsible guys. They're not drunk. It's the middle of the day. The car. By the way, the car is safe at 200 miles an hour. Why is the fucking speed limit for the Aventador the same as my mom and her VW Squareback, which is unsafe at any fucking speed. I mean, Ralph Nader tried to fucking throw a brick through the window. When we would back out every time in the driveway trying to stop my mom, he'd throw himself on the hood yelling, no, no, I. Why is it. Why do they have the same speed limit?

[Josh Wolf]

One of the. One of the cops even had his radar off. And we just saw him in the rearview mirror coming up. And Dave said, oh, that's a cramp. That's a cop. That's definitely cop. Coming up. And it was weaving its way through traffic even a little bit more dangerously.

[Adam Carolla]

Much more dangerously than whatever these guys were doing.

[Josh Wolf]

It was gunning for these sports cars.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, why is there a 7777 cruises at 570 miles an hour. Cessna cruises at 107 miles an hour. There's. It's the same thing. They're flying one. One vehicle is safe at 7, 600 miles an hour, the other one is unsafe over 150 miles an hour. It's not exactly analogous, but what I'm

[Allison Rosen]

saying is imagine if there are chicken shit cops in the sky.

[Adam Carolla]

That's next. Oh, shush.

[Matt Achity]

I will say the only thing that begins to even open the door to explaining this, I think, is that for every 10 of these or 20 of these guys that are responsible and totally meet your criteria, there's a Bieber.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there is a Bieber.

[Matt Achity]

There's some. A hole driving around who shouldn't be behind the wheel at all, who's got

[Adam Carolla]

more money than Sam, but it's not these guys. Because the Biebs ain't going on the run. Like he's not down at the Winchell's Donuts in Orange county at 6am down to load up on coffee and croissant and take off. These guys, there's 50 of these guys, they're all average age 57. And they're taking their little cars for a walk up the coast to get to the Monterey weekend. I'm just saying, all we do is Dodge cops. And I use this Waze system now. You guys all use the Waze system now?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, indeed.

[Adam Carolla]

And it does exactly what the fuck we should be doing, which is, oh, there's a cop coming up. And then they wanna know, thumbs up or is he still there? And I fucking hit it every time. And I just fucking laugh as I drive by that fucking cop. I just told everyone else who uses this system, you're waiting by the side of the road to hand out a chicken shit ticket.

[Brian Bishop]

You're slipping into the guy who calls it the Seinfeld. The Waze system.

[Adam Carolla]

The Waze.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm on the Waze now. You can't wait.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on the Waze.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, we're all on the Waze.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on the Waze system.

[Brian Bishop]

It is pretty amazing.

[Commercial Voice]

It's one day.

[Allison Rosen]

One day, though, you'll get fucked by Waze. It's happened to me about twice. Waze far outweighs the negative, but there's a couple spots where it does not know. And it'll tell you to go down an alley and do this, and you're like, I. If I just looked for the address on the street, as opposed to follow this bitch in my phone, I would be there.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be worth it when it does happen. And like I said, the way to combat these guys is download that app and then just tell everyone where the cops are. And then we'll just beat them at their own fucking shitty game that they started. But either way, no chicken shit tickets for us because we got the fuzz buster and we just stare at it.

[Brian Bishop]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Netweight for Max Apata all the fucking way there. But I just get so pissed off that I know these guys want to go down to Monterey, and they're supercars, and I know they have to look over their shoulder the entire time. And a lot of them had their weekends fucked up by this. All right, Another thing, in terms of being bummed out, I don't know where you guys stand on this. I just shot a whole bunch of promotional shit for Spike tv. And I was sitting there in this really tight area. It's really hot, the lights and everything like that. We're shooting a bunch of stuff. Promos for Spike and commercials and online this and that and the other. And they put that slate, you know, when they slate you, that slate is 2 inches from your face. Like, they have to get it right up to you.

[Brian Bishop]

It's the clapboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Boom. The thing they clap. Mine said something on the back of it that was bumming me out.

[Brian Bishop]

If you're reading this, it means I'm already dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Just give it a little thought, and I'll tell you about something that makes me feel good. Reverie bed. I must have got up three times last night. Just hit that vibrate mode. I just lie there with my son. We watch ourselves some tv. Puts this thing up, lightly shaking. Lightly shaking. That's just my gas. Then I hit the button. No, it's a sleep system. You can dial in your firmness. Lynette's got one side, I got the other side. It splits. They have a zero gravity position. Do yourselves a favor, people, do not do this in four years. And go, shit. Why didn't I listen to the ACE Man In 2014, it is Reverie bed. It's completely adjustable, but like I said, you hit the vibrate thing, and the vibrate stays on for 20 minutes. And I just use it. I utterly use it like a nap timer, which is. I shot all day yesterday in Pomona. I got home about 5:36 o' clock. We did a show last night in Glendale. I left my house at 6:45 in the morning. I wasn't going to bed at 6:30 because I had a show to do. But I needed to catch 20 minutes to recharge. And all I do is I do it like a nap timer. I just hit vibrate on the Reverie bed and just sleep. And when it stops, I wake up. Wow. Awesome. 8, 8, 8. That is 888-888590. Or you can visit them online at sleeplikeadam.com youm can try the 101 Night no Risk trial. Look, if you don't love it, send it back for full refund. These guys are good. They have sleeping down to a science. You do it every single day. Don't skimp, people. First hundred people, by the way, are going to get a set of really nice 618 thread count sheets worth 300 bucks. That's 8-88-888-5590. All right, so on the back of this slate, that was the part I was staring at where they hold it right in front of you and they snap it and then they pull it away and then you go, I'm Adam Carolla. Spike has a new app and blah blah, blah and high energy and make with the funny and this, that and the other. It says rip Sarah Jones. Sarah Jones. You'll never be forgotten.

[Allison Rosen]

That's on a lot of slates these days.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it? Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

I've seen pictures on. I don't know if it's Instagram or where I've seen it or if I've actually seen one, but I think that's a common slate sadness.

[Adam Carolla]

Now there's a part of me that's like, nice. There's another part of me that's like, there's a lot of dead people out there and if they're all represented on this slate, I'd fucking kill myself before I then spat out the comedy, which is coming seconds after your. This is the last thing I will see. The last thing she saw was a commuter train. And the last thing I see is her name before I do my comedy. It's just a little weird with the

[Allison Rosen]

rip right when they're shooting drama.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Shooting a tearjerker scene.

[Adam Carolla]

Like it's that scene. Yeah, it's that. You know that scene from Grey's Anatomy where I'm gonna have to go in and explain to the family that their 9 year old is not gonna see a 10th birthday, then pull that slate out. But not with the mirth yeah, put

[Brian Bishop]

Sarah Jones favorite joke on there. Put her favorite knock knock joke on the back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now we're looking. We're looking at it at the front. And she was the one that was the camera assistant, I believe. Hit by commuter train. Then it sparks. By the way, it says the never forgotten. And then I do the who is this? Which is always sad because evidently it went through my fucking spaghetti colander of a brain pretty, pretty quickly. And then the argument amongst the crew members like she died about six months ago. And then I'm like six months? No, I feel like it was many. No, no, it wasn't last Oscars. It was the one before, you know, so it was a lot of that. Then we couldn't figure out when she had. She was a camera assistant. I think she was hit by a train during a production. And there was a lot of controversy about whether to have her in the. In the Oscars, in the In Memoriam, which is I completely fine with. But trying to figure out when the young person was tragically torn away from. From this planet and their parents as really it's my last thought before I start with the comedy. It's just kind of just fly in the face of what I'm trying to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Sets it up for a bigger challenge for you. That's how much they believe in you.

[Adam Carolla]

Not that I'm not good enough to overcome said challenge. Exactly what I was getting at February 20, 2014. Wow. So it was one of the. It was recent. So does that then stay forever? And then who's the prick who has to peel it off? But I agree. Let's have the comedy and tragedy slates here. Cuz I just don't want to think about a young girl's demise when I'm trying to do some comedy for the Spike Channel.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I have noticed everything on Spike is very high energy. Are they explicit about that? Like crank it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a lot of bring the heat as they say. I don't own heat, I don't rent heat, I don't lease it. And I certainly don't bring it with me. I do a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you manufacture your own?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, do you borrow it? What I've learned, which I said to skip my partner on the show's wife Allison when she just sat there. It's kind of nice being the slightly more important person on the show because our call times are the same except for they sit around for four hours and watch me. And your call time could and would be adjusted, but they don't give A shit. Because it's season two and you were general contractor a year ago. So eventually you get to work up into specific call times, but that's how you know you don't have that much juice when they just go, well, the call times will be 8am for both of you, but you're not going to start until after lunch. But we're not going to bother fucking telling you. And the answer to why is, why should we? What are you gonna do? Quit? You know what I mean?

[Commercial Voice]

So you.

[Allison Rosen]

That sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. But they're so new that it's kind of fun for them just to be around where I'm so old, I'm fucking miserable all the time. But I was sitting.

[Allison Rosen]

And the funny thing is, in terms of age, I think that he's probably not that much older than they are.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm only a couple years older than Skip is, but in terms of the business, he's a zygote. So I did my thing, and they do a thing where they go, take a half step to your right, and then we need you to turn toward the camera and then point with your left hand. And then they do it again where they go, well, point again, but this time hold your hand a little bit lower. And Skip's wife, Allison, is watching all the time. And then when I'm done, she goes, oh, my God, that's amazing. Every single thing they said to do, you did exactly the way they said it. They never had to correct it. They never had to do anything. And I said, yeah. And she said, that's amazing. And I said, yeah, it's because I want to get the fuck out of here. I've learned, and I've said it to million people that we're fucking arguing with. Like, on that show. Like, fucking say it right, and we get to go home, keep arguing, and we're not going anywhere. And I learned early and often that if you just keep doing it your own way and you just keep going, oh, I forgot to put my hand up on this, or it's just one more wasted afternoon.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I say fear is a great motivator. No, no, no. Desire to get home is a great motivator.

[Adam Carolla]

Desire to get the fuck out of there is great.

[Brian Bishop]

To fuck out.

[Adam Carolla]

Great motivator. So I was staring at poor Sarah Jones RIP and never being forgotten on the back of the slate the entire time while sweating through my shirt in Super Hot Burbank and shooting a bunch of promos for Catch A Contractor. Okay, Matt, we're going to do some rotten Tomatoes game, which is clearly my favorite. I love this game. Just because it's nice just to sit back and participate. Not have to rack my brain or watch Brian kick the shit out of everybody with all his fucking facts.

[Brian Bishop]

It really does happen, though.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do it. And the theme song. Here's the guy with the fresh and rotten mood movie game. Now it's time. I really hope it isn't lame. Please, let's go. I totally can take this note. I can't force it away anymore. It hurts my balls. Hurts my balls. Actually, he names the flicks and the gang makes flicks Mad at you D. He's a shrubbered guy and when he drops by, the gang has to gas do the critics scores naked, rotten or fresh. Before Matt fires up and throws his theme out. Just so y' all know what a gentleman and a lover I am. When Matt walked in, Mike August was on the sofa and asked him what the theme was. And I said, do not say anything before we say it on air.

[Matt Achity]

A true sportsman.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Tommy John. I love these guys. I don't know if everyone has got their Tommy John underwear. And when I say underwear, I mean T shirts, socks, undergarments. I realized I am wearing and sweating through right now my Tommy Johnson T shirt. But then also realize I'm wearing my Tommy John sock. Is wear as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam's showing us his underwear.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't feel the need to prove it. Don't feel the need to prove it.

[Adam Carolla]

Coincidence. Total. I'm doing the Undertow. Everything is Tommy John and complete coincidence. That's how I leave the house. Not planning on doing a read tonight for Tommy John. Just that was it.

[Brian Bishop]

Prem you have the opportunity to take off clothes in the studio and expose your undergarments.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew I was gonna have a long day. I knew I was gonna leave the house in the morning and not be back until the evening. And I went with the breathable light stuff. And that's Tommy John. It will change your mind about the undershirt. While Brian backed me up, I wore

[Brian Bishop]

my new Tommy John undershirt last night to the live show. Because we take pictures after the show and meet people. I wanted to look my best. People compliment Nellie.

[Adam Carolla]

I will say it was very good. The other way around. The undershirt feels the traditional Hanes type T shirt underneath your dress shirt is like you wearing board shorts underneath your slacks.

[Brian Bishop]

Billowy. I feel it right now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like you're wearing a second shirt or second something. Whereas this stuff is form Fitting. It's just the best. What can I tell you? It'll change your Life. Go to TommyJohnware.com now and use the promo code Adam. Get 20% off your first order. That's TommyJohnware.com, promo code Adam. And look, if you do it and you have a legitimate beef, you tweet me, because I'll slap you in the face. I will slap you in the face.

[Brian Bishop]

I saw that going a different way.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought I was going to return your money. F you. I will slap you. You're a liar, sir. All right, all right. Where were we, man?

[Matt Achity]

On that note, I have a list based on a recent loss that we all, I think, feel sad about. Robin Williams movies. Yeah, a lot of people hit me up on Twitter asking if we would go through Robin Williams movies on the next edition of the Game, and since we weren't here last week, had to save it for this week.

[Adam Carolla]

But all right.

[Matt Achity]

And I will say that Brian expected this and sent me some numbers. No, here's the other true sportsman in the room. Told me movies that he had already known the scores to.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Matt Achity]

So, Mrs. Doubt, be sure to put those in goodwill. Hunting will not be on this list today.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, 71 and a 97, respectively.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. What a sportsman. All right, here we go. We'll write it down, whoever gets closest, and we'll total up the numbers times five at the end. And this is the critics, not the top critics and not the people at home. All right, here we go.

[Matt Achity]

All right, first up, 1987. This was arguably the movie that made Robin Williams a bonafide movie star. Good morning, Vietnam.

[Adam Carolla]

Never thought that, like, oh, it always drove me nuts when people would then later go, good morning, Encino or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Did that happen?

[Adam Carolla]

What drove me nuts is during the Ty Pennington home during the home invasion show where they'd come in and they'd rebuild the house and why all the hate? Extreme Home Makeover Show. He would do the Good morning whatever call to the whatever family was in the house, and it always seemed like, yeah, that's Robin Williams thing. Never found this movie particularly funny. Fitting tribute to the man, but

[Andy Kindler]

I

[Adam Carolla]

think the critics probably liked it. Kind of based on a true story. I'm gonna say 77.

[Brian Bishop]

I said 72 and I might be low. Nominated for best act, best actor. Was it nominated for best Picture?

[Matt Achity]

I don't believe it was 72.

[Brian Bishop]

I might be low.

[Matt Achity]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think everyone liked this movie, so I'm going with 92.

[Matt Achity]

Early lead for Allison, 89. Percent.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow. I just don't. Did you guys. Now, see, it's interesting because the audience didn't like it as much as the. As much as the critics did, which is a little bit telling. I don't feel like it.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold. When I saw it was many years later because I was, like, 8 when this came out, and it didn't really hold up that well.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

As a movie, his performance is great.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Here we go. Round two.

[Matt Achity]

All right, next up, 1989 Dead Poet Society.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone liked this one, and for that reason, I'm going to say 92%.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of not holding up well, this is. When's the last time you saw this movie?

[Podcast Narrator]

When it came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Six months before it came out. I feel like it's been that long. I saw a rough draft.

[Brian Bishop]

It is really melodramatic. It is not a good movie. He's charming in it and good and powerful with his speeches and monologues, but not a good movie. I think it's not very good. 69%.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

I actually said 92 again, because that's what I said on the first time, and I felt the same. But since you said 92, I'm willing to go to 89.

[Adam Carolla]

What should we do? What'd you write down?

[Allison Rosen]

I wrote down 92.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's. Where.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the same one? Okay.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, 85%.

[Josh Wolf]

Damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, 92. So says the audience, which is interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

So it looks like I'm still winning.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so this is one of those things that everyone.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They just remembered they liked or they said they liked. Is it.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm telling you, it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

A good movie is like, for instance, it's above average. Rank it up. This is a movie. Chariots of Fire or Cherry.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the Running. I never saw the Running movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Matt Achity]

This is a movie that. That. You're right. Like, it doesn't age well because at that time, especially if you're of a certain age. Teenager. Right. You watch it and you're like, oh, my God, he's talking to me. And then you go back and watch it 20 years later. You're like, what a bunch of whining.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Like Hamlet.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go.

[Matt Achity]

All right. 1991. Starred with Jeff Bridges in the Fisher King.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this one I couldn't quite figure out.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, don't yell out a score till we all have them written down.

[Brian Bishop]

Weird movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. I wrote mine down.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Matt Achity]

Directed by Terry Gilliam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Weird movie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's probably tour critics. I feel Artistically, it was an interesting movie. Good performances and everything. But I never saw. I couldn't stay with the whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

You never saw the whole thing?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a tough movie to watch. It's not an easy watch.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say

[Brian Bishop]

60% nominated for best actor. 70%.

[Allison Rosen]

I said 74, and I already feel like I went too high.

[Matt Achity]

Went too low. 84%.

[Andy Kindler]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

This could be Allison's game.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

This could be.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't want to get too excited.

[Brian Bishop]

When's she gonna fumble at the goal line?

[Matt Achity]

We'll see. All right, next up, 1991. Robin Williams teed up with director Steven Spielberg and legendary actor Dustin Hoffman for an adaptation of the Peter Pan story Hook.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now I'm going to say that they didn't love it and that it was tough. And for that reason, I'm gonna go 39%.

[Brian Bishop]

I went way too high, I think, but it's not a good movie. 55%.

[Allison Rosen]

And once again, I think I'm too high with 60.

[Matt Achity]

I saw you write that down.

[Allison Rosen]

Why didn't you?

[Matt Achity]

30%.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Goal line fumble.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's the part where you give me a H? I'm open to cheating.

[Matt Achity]

I saw you write that. 60. And it was like watching Kurt Russell in Tombstone when he goes, no, like when the gun fighting starts. You're like, oh, no, you have a good poker face.

[Allison Rosen]

And. Or I didn't look at your face.

[Adam Carolla]

You're still Alice. I'm still clinging to a two point lead. So says Gary.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How many more are there?

[Matt Achity]

One more. All right. 2006, he. Robin Williams played the mannequin, the model of Teddy Roosevelt in Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the first one.

[Matt Achity]

The very first one.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Oh, boy.

[Matt Achity]

I'll give you a hint. Both of them have the same tomatometer. Both of them.

[Adam Carolla]

The first and second.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You never see that, do you?

[Josh Wolf]

Rare.

[Matt Achity]

It's pretty much the same movie.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess Jaws does too, but.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just kidding for a second.

[Allison Rosen]

I tough.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. I saw bits and pieces of it. It's a good movie, but it's good for what it's supposed to be. But I don't think it's a. I don't think critics are supposed to like it. I think kids are supposed to like it. You're supposed to take your kids and go enjoy yourself. I'm going to say 56%. Whoa.

[Brian Bishop]

I have no idea. Someone. I have no idea. I always say 72. 72.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think I'm saying goodbye. Sweet lead. 45, 44.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. Grief makes me good at this game. Oh, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

Give a speech.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to thank all of you guys. And I want to thank Matt Achity. This is a day I'll never forget.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Matt Achity]

Bald Brian, your first legit win.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost bald. Bryan almost doubled. Allison score. I was 100 points off bald with 100. The ace man with 64, and Allison 51. So just 5.1. 5.5.

[Allison Rosen]

See everything?

[Adam Carolla]

5.25. Yeah. Per. Off. Per.

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, pretty. That might be some of the best. Close to the best we've seen.

[Allison Rosen]

Ever since my dog died, I've had that feeling of, oh, I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. But there's no indication that I'm dreaming. But this makes me suspicious. This is not of a reality. I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, if I hadn't said anything about Mrs. Doubtfire and whatever the fuck the other one, you would have had those in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, totally.

[Matt Achity]

Those are two of the movies that he's most well known for.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. 10.25 per movie is what Perry tells me. Very nice job, Allison. Thank you. Rotten or fresh? Yeah, man. Night at the museum. That's a tough one. I think movies are, you know, I think critics. Tell me what you guys think about this. I think critics are unnecessarily tough on those kinds of movies because they're not factoring in originality. Like, you know, old couple, smart dialogue, but super boring. Somebody fading from Alzheimer's. You know what I mean? Sitting in a kitchen, that's pretty easy. This is kind of a high concept idea, and it's executed. You know, it's not a great film, but give it some points for being original and then don't hate it just because it's made for the masses and made for younger people and that kind of thing. You know what I mean?

[Matt Achity]

So it's the Nickelback effect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Don't hate on Nickelback. I'm just saying, you know, movie like this is not gonna do well with the critics, but it saw bits and pieces of it, and Ben Stiller was good in it. It was kind of interesting premise, and there's nothing wrong with it. Like, it's like, bring the kids and go have a night out and watch the movies.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what's similar to that? Not in the exact same way, but Mrs. Doubtfire at 71%. I did a lot of thinking about it in the last couple days. Not only is a great movie, a Damn near perfect movie. You've seen it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

There's no bad guy, there's no villain, there's no antagonist. There's no villain in the movie, and that's really rare. It's like man versus himself. Robin Williams has to play not only two characters, but the hero and the villain. He has to overcome his own things that are messing up his life. He has to become a better person. It's a really unique way of telling a story.

[Adam Carolla]

And not sure why the 29% of the people just kind of. Who could have a problem with. Well, again, another super original idea and an incredible performance that probably three guys on the planet now, two could have pulled off.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Matt Achity]

You could make a case that Mrs. Doubtfire and Good Morning Vietnam are essentially the same movie that they're 100 times. Here's why. Because they're both platforms to just let Robin Williams riff.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Matt Achity]

And you don't even need a script. Right. Just put him in front of a camera for two hours.

[Brian Bishop]

The only thing I agree with about that is Mrs. Doubtfire is a brilliant script, as evidenced by the fact they do so many different things.

[Matt Achity]

So much of that stuff that he does in that movie is off script. I mean, the director has said that they should have given him a writing credit on that because so much of his dialogue is improv with different takes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Speaking of improv, us at the Irvine Improv next Thursday, 8pm with Dag up on stage. So watch him springboard.

[Brian Bishop]

Just imagine what could happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the possibilities. All right. And Mangria, now available in Florida. So Floridians. Oh, that is a combination. That's. Do you feel any guilt we're driving to Florida? I would comment on that, but I'm sure there'll be so many lawsuits coming up that I probably shouldn't say anything. Total Wine locations all over the state, 21 locations. So you get it at Total Wine. And you can check corolladrinks.com, find one near you. So if you're in Florida and you want some Mangria, now is the time. All right, Matt, I don't think I have your piece of paper in front of me, but RottenTomatoes.com is where you go. I constantly go there and check out what the scores are and what's going on. What do you got? What's coming up, what's coming out, what's coming up that people are into this week?

[Matt Achity]

Sin City 2, which I'm going to see tonight. When the Game Stands Tall, which I saw today, which I'M not supposed to give my review for, but I think people will dig it. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That was when the game stands tall.

[Matt Achity]

It's about De La Salle High School up north.

[Commercial Voice]

High school football program.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Dawson's. Yeah.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah. I will say that the.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they. The Jackrabbits?

[Commercial Voice]

Spartans.

[Adam Carolla]

Spartans. The Jackrabbits is their.

[Matt Achity]

Whatever team which. They show that game in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, a documentary.

[Matt Achity]

No, it's. It's Jim Caviezial stars. It's a dramatization of the story. They take liberties with it. But, you know, again, without giving you my review, the football scenes I thought were really good. And it got a little dusty in the theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Commercial Voice]

Our. Our football team had, like, three streaks that lasted for about 10 years. And this one takes place. The movie takes place at the end of the last streak, which went from 1992 to, I believe, 2004. We hadn't lost a game in, like, 12 years.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah, like 151 games, right?

[Commercial Voice]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I could remember seeing some of those games on television because it was fun to watch.

[Brian Bishop]

They didn't duck teams either. They played out of conference, out of all over the state.

[Commercial Voice]

The thing that happened when I. During my high school years, we crushed everybody in our league. And so our league got together and kicked us out of our own league. Said, you guys can't play. So we had to make our own league and then travel to play other teams who would play us.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they do that out here to a certain degree. They'll put you at 4A or 3A. And if you're a 3A and you do a little too much winning for too long, they'll kick you up to four. And if you're up at 4A and you lose for a while, they'll drop you back down to 3A. It's a way to try to.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like European soccer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a way to sort of create a little parody and not have anyone dominate for too long. But I don't. How does De La Salle do that? Is it the coaching? Is it the. Is it the fact that everyone just wants to play for a winner so they just start. Real talent just starts moving from places further away than you normally would grab from.

[Commercial Voice]

That's a. I can't. That's called the R word. We never talked about recruiting. Sure, people want to play there, but it's. It's discipline. It's. It's the coaching.

[Brian Bishop]

It starts with the coaching.

[Adam Carolla]

I completely agree, but I remember there

[Commercial Voice]

are times where our varsity Team won a game like fucking 79 to nothing. And Coach Ladd chewed everybody's ass out on the field because they didn't give it their all.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems overtly sexual, especially in front of the parents. Long fifth quarter faculty, but yeah, no, it's.

[Commercial Voice]

It's discipline. It's. It's always be your best out there. And there's a great.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm.

[Commercial Voice]

I'm proud of this movie. I want to go see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember when we played Van Nuys or Canoga park our last game my junior year. And our coach, Fred Nielsen, when we got back to the locker room at halftime, we're down like 31 to 6, and he said, we're not going to win this game. And Michael Odom started yelling at him. He was bust in, but either way he started yelling, that's bullshit, man. It was our last game of the season. I think Fred was just being realistic with all of us, but Cards were. I don't know how he would have done over at De La Sal. The game was over at halftime.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there a moment like that in the movie? The coach says, this ain't gonna happen.

[Matt Achity]

No, there's not. There's not.

[Josh Wolf]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

We did go out and score like 28 points in the second whatever, and the game ended up being, you know, 41, 31 or something like that. We did give it a run, but Fred Nielsen ultimately was right. We did lose.

[Matt Achity]

This movie actually is more about the season when the streak ended. So it's not like, oh, you just get to see this team steamroll everybody and has been doing the same thing for 10 years. This is. Oh, Jesus. They lost a game.

[Commercial Voice]

The, The. The streak before this one ended with my senior class varsity team lost to Pittsburgh in 1992 at the Oakland Coliseum and ended the streak. And I didn't play on varsity, but I felt so bad for those.

[Adam Carolla]

But they were playing in the championship.

[Commercial Voice]

It was the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Commercial Voice]

I think it was the ncs.

[Adam Carolla]

What's Pittsburgh? You mean Pittsburgh, California?

[Brian Bishop]

There's a city in California.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about it. Well, see, when she said they traveled everywhere and they're playing at the Oakland, California, this was when we were allowed to. There's a Pittsburgh, California.

[Brian Bishop]

Small town, Oak, California.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Matt Achity]

This one starts off with the first game of the season where the seniors, the champ seniors, have left. The new kids come in and the coaches are a little worried about them. Anyway, they lose their first game, they lose their second game. And so of course, everybody's got these existential moments like, oh, God, what are we doing Are we able to pull out of this? And it's. Yeah, I thought it worked.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. But not going to review it.

[Matt Achity]

But not going to review it.

[Adam Carolla]

Simply going to go through it frame by frame, all the way through the credits.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell you what works when you get emotional.

[Adam Carolla]

Matchety.com or matchety on Twitter is M A T C H I T Y on Twitter is where you go. We have our guest not here yet. All right, then I'll talk a little about LifeLock Ultimate Plus. It's not LifeLock Ultimate. It's LifeLock Ultimate Plus. Identity thieves, man. They is coming for you. And they're like. They're like termites. They're invisible, but they're out there. And they never stop. They never sleep. They're like rust. One of our great scientists, a great metal metallurgists of the 20th century, Neil Young, did an experiment, figured out that Russ never sleeps. Well, neither do these. Cyber criminals are trying to steal your identity. Alison, what do you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Community Health Systems, which operates two. Excuse me. Operates 206 hospitals across 28 states with their most significant presence in Alabama, Florida, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee and Texas. Announced Monday that hackers recently broke into its computers and stole data on 4.5 million patients. The hackers, located in China, used high end sophisticated malware to launch the attacks in April and June this year. The FBI says it's working closely with the hospital network and committing significant resources and efforts to target, disrupt, dismantle and arrest the perpetrators. But can you believe that? 4.5 million patients.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it, baby. And I got the LifeLock Ultimate Plus. I got it for my kids, too. You can just get it for your kids, get it for your family. I mean, I never thought about that.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna get it for my unborn kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, an identity is an ident. They will use it.

[Brian Bishop]

You sign up tba. Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

My kids can look forward to a horrible FICO score before they get out of high school. So I am protecting them with LifeLock Ultimate Plus. Dawson.

[Commercial Voice]

Visit LifeLock.com and enter promo code Adam to save 10% on your LifeLock Ultimate plus membership. That's promo code [e-mail] to get our special 10% discount. LifeLock.com network does not cover all transactions.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Josh Wolf. Comedian Josh Wolf is going to be playing, by the way, at the Pittsburgh Improv. Not the one in California, but the one in Pittsburgh. He's going to be here very shortly. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be back with him in news after this. All right, we're back. Thank you so much for the support. Thanks for bookmarking Amazon and clicking through and helping us fight the fight. Josh Wolf's running a little bit late. Comedian Josh Wolf, he's going to come in here. When he shows up, which should be momentarily, we're going to do some news. But first, some breaking news. I just walked out during the break and saw the jumbo sack of Chips Ahoy cookies wide open. Just gaping. Just gaping. Now, first off, it's hotter than shit and there are ants around here.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I have a story after yours.

[Adam Carolla]

That is not what I worry about. We're looking at a picture of a wall. What I try to explain to everybody that's within the sound of my shouting voice. Air is the enemy of baked goods. It makes them go fucking south. They get fucking first off. And you can go to amcroll.com and see the picture.

[Brian Bishop]

Poor Amos.

[Adam Carolla]

I have everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a famous anus.

[Adam Carolla]

I have everyone here coached up. So when I came walking out and see the big famous Amos sack and it holds about 160 cookies and it's half full and it's just gaping. It's just wide open and it's facing upward. So whatever. You guys ever do that thing where it's like they turn on the movie projector before the movie starts and you can just see all the little particles sort of floating around in the air? Those aren't only at movie theaters.

[Brian Bishop]

In that beam of light is where

[Adam Carolla]

they only see in that beam of light. I'm just assuming they're everywhere all the time. Why? First off, it has a Ziploc top.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, what's it next to on the left?

[Adam Carolla]

Cleanser.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's next to, like abrasive cleanser. Also open.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, my point is this. I said to everyone because I coached everyone up. First off, I had no idea that I would spend my adult life talking to other adults about non adult issues. Like, really stuff that falls in between no shit and no shit times two. Like, really, really. Like, I thought, well, one day I'll get older and I'll have children and there'll be a period in those children's lives where I'll have to say things like, well, if you're gonna leave the house, you really need to shut the light off in your room since you're not gonna be in your room. And I'll probably have to have that conversation two and a half times with my nine year old. But then I'll get on with my fucking life. But there's no way I ever anticipated talking to adults over and over again. So I came out and I said to my well coached up crew, who left this fucking bag this way. You're fucking it up for everybody who comes after you because they're gonna get a slightly staler cookie that has whatever's airborne on top of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Was there an outsider in our midst today? Cuz that seems to be the only explanation.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course it was Mike August. He took his two fucking loves and combined them. Eating other people's free food and neglecting other people's shit. I mean, every. It's like it's one of these things where every single time we do a live show, we get the. We get the veggie platter. It's all in the rider. The live show in the green room is the veggie platter. And they popped the cap off the veggie platter.

[Brian Bishop]

Footnote, last night's veggie platter at Flatburners was impressive. That was one of the better veggie platters that provided.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it had hummus.

[Brian Bishop]

That's our credit, where it's due.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And that's the deal. Give us the veggie platter. But the ones they usually get us are the ones they buy at the Ralph's supermarket and they're already prepackaged and they just sort of put them out there and you tear the cellophane away and then you pop the top off them. And then they're sitting in the green room of some theater which is basically in a kind of dank basement and

[Allison Rosen]

there's some bitch hairspraying nearby, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then I pop the cap on it, grab a handful of carrots, and I put the fucking cap back on. And then when I go to the bathroom, I see Mike August eating celery and the cap is off next to it. And I'm like, why not put the cap back on? And then I'll go put it on. And when I come off the stage two hours later, it'll be sitting there wide open again. Josh Wolfe. Good to see you.

[Josh Wolf]

Good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for coming.

[Josh Wolf]

I appreciate it. Sorry I'm late.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fine. I'm just complaining.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone left his cookie bag open.

[Josh Wolf]

But what kind of cookies?

[Allison Rosen]

That is not a metaphor.

[Adam Carolla]

They put a zipper container on the top. I mean, a way to zip it shut. Why leave it wide open? The point is, of course, it was Mike August completely and utterly out of it. Now I know everyone thinks this is nothing. Like, everyone always does that thing where, like, oh, so what? He had for cookies and he left. But I guarantee that thing was Ziploc closed before he got to it. He then tore it open, reached in, grabbed what he needed, and then the transaction was done. There's no second part. Meaning there's the part where you want the gum, but there's the part where you don't feel like disposing of it by putting in a piece of newspaper and walking it over. So you just spit it out of your mouth in the parking lot and somebody steps in it. What's going on?

[Josh Wolf]

That bothers me. I'll tell you why that stuff bothers me. Because that's two seconds of your life. Two seconds of your life?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Josh Wolf]

That's all it is. Two seconds of your life to keep the cookies fresh.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only is it two seconds of your life, but it's a cycle that gets completed. It's like when I walk up to the urinal and there's a bubbly, golden, frothy offering waiting for me from the last guy that took the piss but did not want to lift his left hand up 14 inches and pull the plunger down and fucking flush the thing. It's like, oh, now I get to walk up on your fucking offering. But for me, I flush the toilet. The same way dealers do that blackjack thing when they switch to a new table, where they go, I'm done. I'm out. Thank you. Good luck, gentlemen. Thanks for the tip. Like, it is a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning is, I want a cookie. Open this container. The middle is, I shall reach in and grab some cookies. And the end is, I shall zip it shut. It completes the cycle. I must. I need to take a piss. My wang is out and there's liquid escaping from it.

[Brian Bishop]

Slow down.

[Adam Carolla]

In this ceramic pot. Now finish it by fucking flushing it. What the fuck is that?

[Josh Wolf]

Some people don't flush because they don't want to touch it with their hands.

[Adam Carolla]

So use your foot, use your whatever.

[Josh Wolf]

Whatever you gotta do.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, your eccentricity is not my fucking problem. Like, if that. Look, there's some people that just like killing nursing students. Like, they just do. What are we supposed to do? Cut them some slack.

[Brian Bishop]

That's an exit.

[Adam Carolla]

Same fucking group. Same fucking group. Like, okay, you're okay. You have an issue. It's up in your head. Because as we always find out, there's always more fecal matter on your cell phone and on the keyboard of the computer work and on your fucking Toothbrush and on the hotel pillow than there is on the handle over on the urinal at the airport. But fine. That's your own eccentricity. Good. Pull a paper towel and walk it over with you. And when you're done taking a piss, because you're. Because you're fucking. I'm trying to think of the guy's name, Howard Hughes. Because you're the fucking Howard Hughes of the Valley. Reach up with your paper towel and flush it with that. Because that's your problem. That's your situation.

[Josh Wolf]

Yes. And I also, I agree with you. I guarantee you, you have touched something dirtier that day. Handrails, doorknobs, all proven to be dirtier than a urinal thing. People go crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do we live in this crazy symbolic world? Why not just fucking work big to small? I'm really. Each month that wears on. As I see my wife use the fruit cleaning spray on the apple. She's gonna give my son the stuff that wasn't invented until four months ago. The stuff that does nothing that tap water wouldn't do. As I see her do that, I just think back on the million times the gates were left open to the open pool where the kids could have drowned as toddlers, and think, why is this such a priority when that thing could have killed them? By the way, nobody loves their kids more than my wife. Why does the fruit spray take precedent over leaving the gates open? Like the real danger? Why are we. I mean, again, you just take the swimming pool. It's like most people won't let their kids go in. Oh, if there's a handgun in that house, no way is my kid going, they're gonna die in the pool. They're not gonna die. Why don't we just go straight statistics. There's more fecal matter on the railing of the escalator over at the fucking Mervyns than there is in the urinal. Why not just go with that? We have no problem leaning against that.

[Josh Wolf]

We're a fear driven society. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I agree. Right. So people work with the big stuff.

[Josh Wolf]

So people get spooked. They get spooked. Like, look, I guarantee you there aren't more pedophiles now or more kidnappers. Just everybody has the Internet. So you read about it. There's that app, right? I mean, look, think about what our parents used to do. Our parents used to put us on a. If my. If I was still in the house in the summertime, past nine o'clock in the morning, my dad was like, what the fuck is wrong with you, right? Get up and think what they used to do. They used to say, so you're gonna get on a bike with no helmet. Cause I didn't. Did you wear a helmet ever? You're gonna get on a bike with no helmet. You're gonna drive somewhere. We don't know where you're going. Cause we can't get in touch with you. Cause you don't have cell phones. You may or may not get kidnapped. I'm just, hopefully, Elsa, your parents are

[Adam Carolla]

like, please, kidnap, please. Hey, sla. Look, we're no Hirsch family, but we don't have anything to weigh a ransom. But this guy is a hell of a wheelman. If you're gonna rob a bank, so just go ahead and take him, would you?

[Josh Wolf]

I just think. I think it's a fear driven society. So we've been told that all the germs are gonna pick up in the toilet. And people believe it. Whatever they read on Twitter, they believe what comes up on their feed. They believe, right? So if this week's thing is you're gonna catch a disease from touching a fucking toilet seat, people are gonna go crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you guys think about this concept? And Alison, don't forget my bathroom story about the bathroom. But what do you guys think of this? And tell me. I always say, I think we're making ourselves soft. I don't use the Purell. I don't use all the antibacterial whatever. Everyone else uses it. Everyone else gets sick. I never fucking get sick. I eat shit off the ground. I'm a fucking pig. I don't shower for days. I don't do anything. Max A will attest to the fact that we went to Monterey. We all stay in the same room. We're gone for four days. I'm the only one who didn't take a shower the entire time. And I sweat through my fucking fire suit every single day.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, Jeff Fox was sleeping in the shower.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think about this? I think we're making ourselves soft on this stuff. And I've said, look, the more chapstick you use, the more chapstick you need. The more moisturizing cream you use on your hands, the more you need. And it makes sense. What happens is your body starts working harder to replenish the stuff you're stripping away with all the soap, so it creates more oil, so your hair gets more oily, so you need more conditioner or whatever it is, or more shampoo. So it's this weird kind of anti nature cycle. But here's a bizarre one. All the data's coming back on the hand sanitizer and the Purell and everything. And they're going, you were right. We shouldn't be using all this stuff. We need to expose our kids to dirt and germs so they can build up immunity. Build immunity. Up to it. I was fucking out in the sun the other day, and it was like we spent 45 minutes shooting, and then we went in the shade and then another 40 minutes shooting, and I was getting sunburnt, and they were slathering on the sunscreen and. Oh, but it was still too bad. My back of my neck was all burnt, my arms were all burnt. I was hydrating. Like, every time they'd yelled cut, someone would come running out with a bottle of water. And then I thought, wait a minute. It's not like I was a black kid. I was the same color I am now. We were poorer than most of the black kids, but that's the color, same skin tone. I'd go to the beach all day, not bring any kind of sunblock at all or pitch any tent or bring any umbrella or anything. I wouldn't bring a bottle of water. We just lay out on the sand from 9:30 in the morning till this fucking sun went down in and out of the ocean, never hydrating, never putting on any sunscreen or anything. And it was always fine.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Are we building up a dependency on sunscreen or is.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm sure people will think I'm insane for suggesting this, but the sun getting stronger and there's less ozone, and

[Josh Wolf]

I will tell you, could be some of that we used to lather up in baby oil with that stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, right. And those reflector things.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, we used to lather it up with baby oil. I do think there is something to the sun being a little bit stronger.

[Allison Rosen]

There's less protection, the less ozone.

[Brian Bishop]

The simplest explanation is that as a kid, you went out all the time and thus had a face tan. Now, as an adult, you go out in the sun once a week.

[Adam Carolla]

Doctor? Yeah. I know this is not scientific data, but I wonder if you say, well, if you use chapstick, you're gonna need more chapstick. I mean, that's scientific. And if you're gonna start relying on the creams and the salves, you're gonna need more because your body's gonna start shutting down the things that it normally lubricates and stuff like that. So if you're blocking the sun by putting more salve and cream on your neck and the back of your arms, and you're sort of artificially manipulating nature a little bit. Who knows what changes your body does to transform or to overcompensate for whatever you're putting on it. I believe whenever you put something on your body to try to get it to go one way, it's always trying to get back to where it was, the homeostasis. Right. So it's always like. Like, if you take a Quaalude, it's like what I say to people about,

[Josh Wolf]

do you know where you can find some Quaaludes?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to find a fucking Quaalude. I know.

[Josh Wolf]

I don't know you can find those anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I want there to be like. You know how you can buy, like, the throwback Jordans? Yeah, I want the throwback drugstore. Yeah, I want to buy, like, some Betty's and some. Some. Some reds and some blacks and uppers and downers and some Quaaludes and like. Like, just get the old school.

[Josh Wolf]

You would think somebody would be able to make a Quaalude, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's licens myself copyright. No, what I'm saying is when you find out that these guys were on 100 Percocet a day, and you're just like, how the fuck did you get on 100 Percocets a day? Like, well, I started with two after my back surgery, and eventually I got up to 14, and then I got to 28. And then you go, how did you keep your job on a hundred Percocets? And it's like your body tries to even. It tries to even it out, and you have to keep upping the dosage. I wonder if any of that will be connected ever to sunscreen homeostasis.

[Brian Bishop]

He's gonna have a great season for Atlanta

[Adam Carolla]

Ranch.

[Brian Bishop]

He's so good.

[Josh Wolf]

But, you know, I mean, basically what you're saying is your body can. Learns to fight things by getting it right. Well, look, when they give you that flu shot, they give you the flu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

So your body learns to fight the flu by them giving you the flu.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm also saying that, yeah, that's how you become immune. You get a little taste of what would have killed you, and it just fucks you up for a day and leaves a welt. And then your body starts building immunity toward it. But I also am saying when you try to sort of compensate in this one direction, your body really pushes hard in the other direction. Look, I'll put it this way, just dudes who try dyeing their hair does. Your body doesn't even let you change your hair color without completely fucking it up. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger has orange hair now.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, steroids is a good example. Like Canseco was on all those steroids, and now his body isn't producing the right amount of testosterone.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Can I ask you this about Schwarzenegger and all the old guys who go with the orange hair shouldn't look. Your hair was a certain color at a certain point in your career. Right. When you were 23, your hair was a color right then. As you get older, the gray sets in and replaces your original color with gray. You don't want that. You're trying to stave off the aging process, and you want to look younger and more youthful. So you pick a third color for your hair, which is old guy, not gray, but still looks older than gray. Because we're doing the math on the weird orange hair. Your hair was never that color when you were in your twenties. Shouldn't you replicate. Replicate the fucking color? It was in pumping iron or whatever.

[Josh Wolf]

But they have that orange hair to match their orange skin because they have those horrible spray tans. He looks.

[Adam Carolla]

But why. But why old dude color male? I mean, I think women are a little bit smarter about this, which is. They go, my hair was auburn color. Now I'm 47 and some gray starting to kick in. So let's keep it that auburn color and keep. Get the gray out. But guys go with old guy apricot.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, a lot of women, though, actually begin to go blonde at a certain point. Regard.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, if I'm still here at 90, which I hope I am, maybe I'll be blonde. Because I think black hair, which my. Which is my natural color, doesn't work. I think there's this idea that dark hair is too stark on an old orange.

[Josh Wolf]

I agree with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with that.

[Josh Wolf]

Dark hair, really dark hair on an old person is really kind of creepy to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's now that apricot color, which just says old guy dyeing his

[Allison Rosen]

hair color because it doesn't exist naturally.

[Josh Wolf]

Assuming that Arnold Schwarzenegger is in touch with fucking anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. You know, you want the deadliest. I'll tell you the deadliest dude hair color combination there is. It's that apricot. Apricot orange hair color meets the thinning that takes place for Ball Bryan, it was his junior year of high school, but for everyone else, it's in their 50s and 60s and you see him pass by and the Light hits it just right and it has that weird kind of Agnes Moorehead and Dora from Bewitched kind of. Well, as light is passing through the orange colored hair, that's the structure of it. Yeah. You see, it's been sort of carefully puffed up and whipped into shape.

[Brian Bishop]

Hair is translucent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Translucent. That is the worst thing. That's the worst thing for an old guy, right? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Because it looks like a ladies updo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, it looks like it was. It was picked out, I will tell you that.

[Josh Wolf]

I found a gray hair on my chest that bothered me more than I thought it was gonna. I don't know why that bothered me more than I really did. I saw it and I was like, oh, that. That's terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Josh Wolf]

I don't know why. The gray one on my chest.

[Adam Carolla]

I found one. I don't like it either. But I don't understand the pube coloring. You know, what the good Lord had in mine? Like, why my beard is almost completely gray, but my armpits are fucking black as Africa just fucking.

[Josh Wolf]

I made black. Like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, this is the shit. I don't want. The shit that's not turning any chicks on. The shit that nobody sees when I'm doing O'Reilly. Well, the pubes completely black. Everything's black with the beard. Like, why? What? Why? What's the difference between the eyebrows? And then you go, all right, well, the eyebrows are up here. Okay, well, let's go the underarm. Okay, let's go the pube patch. What's the fucking beard would you want?

[Josh Wolf]

You wouldn't want a gray pube patch?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I wouldn't mind a little more salt and pepper in the beard.

[Matt Achity]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

So it's not just stark white.

[Brian Bishop]

More pepper?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a little more pepper. A little more pepper. It's got a little in there that

[Allison Rosen]

people aren't like, your advertisement is your face. Let that be the what? The thing that goes gray last.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. My. My armpits look the same as they did in high school.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. Well, congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

You're quite welcome. All right, so Allison, before we get to Josh, Allison had a problem on the.

[Allison Rosen]

I believe everyone who listens to this show knows I do not like ants. I don't like the idea of them crawling into my orifices. It's a phobia. I have went into the bathroom here. Four ants on the toilet. Whatever was I to do? So I grabbed some toilet paper and tried to do a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Little.

[Allison Rosen]

I called them exactly. Sorry, ants. But anyway, there were still more Crawling around. And so then I did that thing that I usually. I'm not a germaphobe. I'm an ant phobe. So then I'm like, I have no choice but to hover. Peed all over the seat. That bathroom is mine now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Tried to clean it up, but then,

[Allison Rosen]

lo and behold, well, someone has to change a tampon. It's me. You can't do that from a hovering. I hovered and I hung onto the toilet paper. You can't do that from that position. So I had no choice but to lay my flesh ass all over the still a little bit damp seat. So now I feel like there's ants all over me.

[Josh Wolf]

You sat in your own pee.

[Allison Rosen]

I tried to clean it up, but I don't know what I was feeling at that point. It could have been ants. It could have been.

[Josh Wolf]

I have had an ant problem in your butt. I. When I was in college, there was a girl who was like, let's have sex. And I said, absolutely. And in college, a lot of times outside is really the only option. And I went to school in Texas, and so we went outside and we were having sex. And she was like, my ass is on fire. And I was like, yeah, baby, that's right. Your ass is on fire. She goes, no, no, no, My ass is on fire. And then my balls started just heat up. We had sat on a fire ant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Josh Wolf]

So they were eating her ass and her and her cooch. And they had gone up to my nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Josh Wolf]

It was quite an event running around. I have. I've never volunteered.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they go straight from her ass to your nuts?

[Josh Wolf]

They crawled from her ass up her couch to my nuts. I mean, it was like they went.

[Adam Carolla]

They had their washing order. This is a horrible death.

[Brian Bishop]

Manski.

[Josh Wolf]

I will tell you something. I have never voluntarily slapped myself in the nuts so many times, but I had to kill him.

[Adam Carolla]

Terrible. Look, I do believe that when you're having sex, there are certain, like, endorphins and things are released now. Not anymore. When it's a fucking novelty. I used to see guys and girls, by the way. You remember back in the day, like, you'd see them literally. I saw this girl was in my theater troupe, and she literally had, like, the skin worn off her knees. And I'm like, what happened? She's, like, real spirited last night, like, down on the carpet and just going at it. And then I realized there's no other situation other than, like, falling off a razor scooter where you would just slowly have the skin worn off. A part of your body and not notice it. Especially women. If I just took a fucking flip flop and started rubbing it on your kneecap until eventually it went raw, you'd sound off sooner than later. This is both knees. I mean, I've seen people fuck themselves up having sex. Just because once you get into that mode, once the blood starts, the pheromones start flying. You fucking have a tolerance.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

For a lot of things.

[Josh Wolf]

And you feel. And sometimes the pain adds to the excitement just a little bit. So you're like, that doesn't feel that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. I just came up with an idea. A mobile anthill service for the adventuresome lover. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

It's a niche market.

[Adam Carolla]

It really is.

[Josh Wolf]

But passionate.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And then that embarrassing moment at the end where I go, look, listen, we're short four ants, so could you just kind of hop up and down on this sheet? Or we need them for the next house.

[Josh Wolf]

They're actually my best ants. Yeah, we didn't need those back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ted and Larry Jr. Are both missing. And those are kind of the kind of leaders. We'd call them the team captain. I want to make the other ants jealous, but they certainly do kind of rule the roost, so to speak. So I don't know if they're up your asshole or in your wife's cunt, but.

[Josh Wolf]

But if you mind squatting and coffin. We just take a reason.

[Andy Kindler]

There's a reason.

[Adam Carolla]

We take a deposit. Wow. Fire ants.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

It's not great. It's a good story. I mean, better for me. She was not. She was eaten up.

[Adam Carolla]

I spoke to a gal once who I never dated, but she explained that her boyfriend found out she was cheating. And the way he found out she was cheating is he found a piece of a rubber in her coos and he did not use one. That's gotta be. And by the way, so many levels

[Brian Bishop]

of unclassy when you.

[Adam Carolla]

And when you're the person who gets caught, you got, you know, if somebody gets into your phone and starts looking at your text messages, you probably buy yourself a little bit of time to try to explain away some of the shit that it says on there. But when you're just about to have sex or the guy's going down or whatever, and he basically pulls half a condom out of you, you don't have much time to concoct a story. There's not. Let me get back to what's your best.

[Josh Wolf]

If that was. What do you think the best. Best reaction to that is. I mean, the only thing I can think of is it's though. That's been in there a while.

[Allison Rosen]

I ate it seven years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

That's from high school.

[Josh Wolf]

No, that's been in there a while. That was before you. I just.

[Adam Carolla]

My gynecologist says it's not covered on insurance. I. I keep telling about toxic shock syndrome. He doesn't listen. How about this?

[Josh Wolf]

Leave one in there just in case.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Josh Wolf]

Somebody shows up without one, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Chamber one.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In case I'm raped while I'm jogging. I don't want to get a. Hey, you put a fucking liner in your trash can. Do you not answer the question.

[Josh Wolf]

Leave one in there just in case.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. No, I would. I'd probably say I was using a vibrator. I was thinking of you and had a yeast infection or something and I want to spread it. I. I don't know. I'm not a gynecologist. I barely have a pussy.

[Josh Wolf]

That sounds like the point is, is

[Adam Carolla]

your fucking 22 year old meathead of a fucking boyfriend who plays JC. Paul's not gonna fucking know about that and would probably use it as a viable excuse.

[Josh Wolf]

If you said that and I was 22, I would be like, oh, okay. That makes complete sense to me because I don't know how, I don't know if any. What any of it means at 22, right.

[Allison Rosen]

When they do vaginal ultrasounds, they actually put a condom on the wand that they use. They do, yeah. If you ever find yourself in this position where your boyfriend finds part of a condom from a past lover, tell him you just got an ultrasound.

[Brian Bishop]

I was getting my follicles checked.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfectly believable excuse. All right, let's get ready with the news while we talk about a cleaner subject. DraftKings. Baby football season just around the corner. You get your piece of $5 million during the kickoff [e-mail] ball. Bryan, you gotta be over the moon.

[Brian Bishop]

I am. I am. Normally this is the time of year right about now when people are drafting their teams for the traditional leagues. And if you miss out on your guy or if you have a bad draft position, you're kind of screwed for fantasy football for that year. Or at least you're playing uphill fantasy DraftKings. You can get homeostasis any day you want. You can draft anyone you want any week based on your salary cap.

[Adam Carolla]

Way more exciting over DraftKings. That's right. Fantasy football. You can win huge cash starting the first week of the season. At DraftKings.

[Commercial Voice]

Dawson DraftKings.com Bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires. Use promo code Adam and you'll get free entry into the week1.5 million dollar kickoff bash. Enter Adam now for free entry [e-mail] draft.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Josh Wolf, by the way, off the rails name of the podcast, new episodes every Tuesday you can get on itunes. You can also find him at the Pittsburgh Improv and the Orlando improv coming up August 22nd through the 24th, I should say. And then Orlando the 29th through the 31st. And what you can do is you can go to comedianjoshwolf.com to find out the dates. Yeah, he's going to be around town. All right, we're gonna do a little news hang out and crack wise, Josh.

[Josh Wolf]

You got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it again.

[Commercial Voice]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Josh Wolf]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Josh Wolf]

And when it's time to wrap it

[Adam Carolla]

up, she'll sign it off with zip it. Cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So ISIS released a video showing the beheading of journalist Jim Foley. He was taken hostage in Syria in November 22, 2012. And apparently the White House had been warned that this could happen, but they released it and a lot of news organizations are refusing to show it, including this one right here. Yeah, I instructed the guys, please be careful what you pull up, because I don't. I mean, actually, just looking at different articles, there'll be little thumbnails that show him about to be beheaded. The guy doing the beheading in the video is wearing a mask but has a British accent. So I don't know if there's some. I think there's an investigation into who did that. Obama said that he's heartbroken by the beheading and he vowed to press on with American military operations to cut the group's quote unquote cancer out of the Middle East.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple of things. We're looking at a picture of him holding a video camera and a flak jacket, and he obviously has his head attached to him. And the thing I like most about this picture is he's smoking. Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if you think about it, there's a guy who enjoyed his cigarettes and then he was beheaded. Everyone else, I mean, you know, obviously joke's on you if you quit and then two months later, you're beheaded. You know what I mean?

[Josh Wolf]

I gotta tell you, I didn't watch a video. That's not something that I could even. No, but the British accent is what threw me. The dude who was doing the beheading British accent.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think a lot of these

[Allison Rosen]

could be Russell Brand.

[Josh Wolf]

I thought maybe Alan Cummings, maybe it

[Adam Carolla]

was Madonna and she wasn't really British, you know what I mean? A lot of these guys go to Europe sometimes, get educated and then come back and do. It's absolutely insane. But our. In our haste to never judge, I do believe things are starting to spin out of fucking control. I can't believe it's 2014 and these kind of monsters still fucking roam the planet. It's just. Listen, they need to be exterminated 100%.

[Josh Wolf]

And I will tell you, I went to Guantanamo to perform for the troops. And so they made, they went out of their way to show us how well these people were being treated in the cells. There were PlayStations, dudes eating Cheetos, drinking Pepsi.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Josh Wolf]

And I asked, leave my bags open.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, why did he book that tour?

[Josh Wolf]

But I asked him, I go, why, why PlayStation? And the guy told me, you know, we found when we let them play PlayStation, they stopped throwing feces at us. And I, I was like, all right, good note. But when we're taking care to make sure we. Because we're being watched by everybody, right? Who's watching these fuckers?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and that's the thing.

[Josh Wolf]

We're playing by rules and they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the only thing that's ever gonna fucking solve any of this shit. The good folks of that region need to start fucking policing their own.

[Josh Wolf]

They never will.

[Adam Carolla]

If a group here started to just rise up and go, look, we're just gonna exter Jews, we would police that group. If they said, we're gonna start beheading journalists, you know, we would self police. I'm happy to say that for all the faults this country may have, we have a system in place that really does not let a bunch of people get together, arm themselves and decide to go out and do some ethnic cleansing or whatever the hell they want to do. We're never going to be able to just send folk over and find the troublemakers because. Because first off, these guys ain't doing the marquees of Queensbury. They're stashing all their shit in orphanages, dressing up like the fucking clergy and having us. You know, they're not the British soldiers where they're all dressed in their coats and marching in a line. We can't tell who these guys are. They're not playing by any Geneva Convention. They're not it is complete guerrilla warfare and we're never going to be able to go over there and suss out every single troublemaker. Now don't get me wrong, I love it when they fire up the Predator drone and a few Hellfire missiles, hits a convoy of Toyota trucks, I love that. But we're never, ultimately, whatever country we're speaking of, look, if Japan decided to start doing this, we couldn't do anything about it either. Ultimately, the people around you must rise up and go, enough's enough. You know, whoever these people are, theoretically, they have daughters and sons and mothers and fathers and other people that know them. And when the kid is 15 and a half and he says, I'm thinking about joining up with isis, somebody's gotta fucking grab that kid by the arm and say, no, it's not a good idea to exterminate Jews.

[Josh Wolf]

You keep looking at saying Jews and looking right at me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking right at you. No, I, I mean, I'm with you.

[Josh Wolf]

I'm with you. And here's the thing. But what they have is when you agreed, but these people, what the normal, average, everyday person who lives over there doesn't have is the same level of brutality.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Josh Wolf]

So when they make public executions, it scares the shit out of people. I totally agree with you. But it scares the shit out of people because they know if they say something before, they can really get everybody together. As soon as they start to get people together, whether somebody's coming into your house and killing fucking everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I understand the lunatics have taken over the asylum, but that essentially holds true in every civilization. Like I'm sure the Crips and, or the Bloods would love to take over the United States. We just won't let them. You know, in Mexico they sort of let the drugs cartels take over, and in Colombia it's happened and there's a lot of places around the world where the lunatics take over the fucking society that they're living in. I don't know if it's like, oh, we can't unring this bell, but ultimately we can't go into these very foreign communities, take a bunch of 20 year old dudes who all have beards, all dressed the same and all look exactly alike, and figure out the one in the batch that we need to kill without killing an innocent guy and upsetting the rest of the crew group. It's just never gonna work. It's impossible. Right?

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually these countries are just gonna have to get their fucking shit together. What is going on?

[Josh Wolf]

But I'm with you. Like, at some point, Honestly, look, there's no. The Iraqis hate each other, right? So they're fighting with each other anyways. But we can't fix it. There's no way we can fix it

[Allison Rosen]

because we sent troops to Syria earlier this summer to try to get the journalists and couldn't find them. Which at first I was like, how can we not find them? But I've seen Homeland, it can,

[Josh Wolf]

but there's one more. They have one more journalist.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, unfortunately, we should not show the tape or even really talk about it because we're just sort of playing into their horrible hand and, you know, we'll kill as many of them as we can, but ultimately we cannot be sane enough for all you fucking insane countries. We don't have enough money and we don't. We don't have enough wherewithal. Like, we just don't care that much about your piece of shit country to come over and make you sane.

[Josh Wolf]

And it's none of our fucking business.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is and it isn't, because it's none of our business.

[Allison Rosen]

None of an American journalist, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he went over there, you know, I mean, he was not forced to go over there, but. And I'm sure there are many warnings from state departments and friends and family when you go, hey, here's where I'm going, into a hot zone. And that's. Look, that's what these guys do. They're essentially daredevils with a laptop.

[Josh Wolf]

I mean, I know they go in without weapons, which is insane, absolutely insane,

[Adam Carolla]

and it's really courageous. But that is the price that potentially. And they pay now gladly. Doesn't happen that often. I'm sure you only hear about the times it does. You don't hear about the guys who came home safely. But statistically, you know, well, you're probably better off doing that as a journalist than living in a horrible neighborhood in the south side of Chicago for six months in terms of being shot. Sadly, it's probably statistically true, but we cannot prevent that. There's nothing we can do about it. But I'm just saying we can't export sanity. We don't have enough money. We don't have enough time, and ultimately we don't give a shit. But like I was saying, we have to keep an eye on things. Otherwise there's gonna be another 9, 11. And if one of these fucking lunatics gets hold of a nuclear device, look the fuck out. Because they don't care.

[Josh Wolf]

It really isn't. And here's what crazy is. What the craziest part of their crazy is that they don't think they're crazy. Do you know what I mean? Like, so I know we're explaining sanity to them and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't understand. We get it, we're completely sane.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, this is our problem. Our problem is. And this is, everybody is guilty of this on a micro and a macro level. And we were talking about this on yesterday's show, which is when I argue with my wife, I think she's arguing with my brain. She's not. She has a chipmunk for her brain. No, she has a brain that is wired in a different way. So I'm making my argument going, why don't you just understand? And she's going, why don't you just understand what I'm saying? Because we can't. Now when you're us, you go, these 19 hijackers, they have kids, they have family, they're gonna be in the plane themselves. Why would they fly it into a building? First person to hit the tower is gonna be the hijacker. Technically, he's in the fucking cockpit. They're not gonna. And then they do it. So we're using our brain and going, well, there's no way I would do this to my kids. And there's no way way I would do it while I was in the plane. And there's no way. And they go, oh yes they will. And they don't share our way of thinking. And for us to sit around and go, well, they're not gonna do this because they love their kids just as much as we do and they value their. No, no, no. That's how 9, 11 happens. You have to fucking realize they're just maniacs. They don't care if they die and they don't give a shit if they leave their nine year old twins behind.

[Josh Wolf]

Well, no, it's an odd. Yes, it's a, it's an honor. And if their son decided to do it, it would be an honor to their family. That's the fucking bonkers thing, right? It is.

[Allison Rosen]

How can you argue I'm proud of

[Josh Wolf]

my son because, you know, he pitched a good game. Do you know what I mean? They're proud of their son because he blew up a bus. Like it's completely different.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Either way as I say, we can't export the sanity. And it's time for all the fucking sane nation just to band together. And the first thing we need to do is start passing judgment. And it's not just on the group that has sprung up in the country, but it's all the people in the country that made fertile soil for this group. You've got to fucking till that soil for this group to come up. I mean, it's got to be tilled, fertilized, watered, and just at the right PhD for that plant to grow. We don't have that here. Yeah, there's a couple of branch Davidians and a couple of nut jobs and a couple of this and that.

[Brian Bishop]

Branch Davidians. Keep the metaphor going.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, tilling the soil. Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Well done.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I think that was. Brian called it out. No, but I mean, look, there's always. You know, there's always Ted Nugent out there, but I'm saying there's not. It's not the entire country. We don't have fertile soil. So you go, well, you understand, this isn't the people and it's not the country. It's this group. And it's like, yeah, but how did they get started? Why was the fucking soil so fertile for that group to get started that they're able to spread roots out? Take hold.

[Josh Wolf]

Heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Heavy. Oh, man, now I wish I had my gotomeeting on right there, and I could have just spread that out to all the folks in all those crappy countries. I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not listening to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, that's how I do my journalism. I do it right here from my living room with GoToMeeting.

[Brian Bishop]

Dateline right here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Great communications. That's what you need, and that's what you get with GoToMeetings. Go to Meeting. Citrix. Go to meeting. You can meet your clients, and you can make it convenient. You can do it on your own computer, your smartphone, your tablet. You meet online as often as you like. Anytime, anywhere. You share the screen. We use it here. You should use it wherever you are. Try GoToMeeting for. That's right, free visit GoToMeeting.com click on the Try It Free button for 30 days. Do it at the bottom of the promo, at the bottom of the page, and hit the button there. Well, maybe it's the top of the page. I think it's at the top of the page. Anyway, hit that promo code button and put in the code Adam and go to meeting so you can try it out. 30 days. Free visit GoToMeeting.com, click the try it free for 30 days button and use the promo code Adamgo meeting. All right, Allison, let's do another.

[Allison Rosen]

Craig Ferguson is close to reaching a deal for a new half hour 7pm syndicated talk show that will begin airing next fall. And he's also going to be hosting a game show called Celebrity Name Game, which is based on the board game Identity Crisis, which I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know either.

[Allison Rosen]

In the game, celebrities are teamed with contestants to identify famous names of, like, actors, singers, athletes, pop culture figures, politicians, cartoon characters, and et cetera. But I didn't realize that he was gonna go do an earlier talk show.

[Josh Wolf]

You know, he. I can't imagine him doing that time. So he swears more than anybody I've ever met. How's he gonna do.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never met him, I don't think. Oh, I think I met him backstage at, like, Radio City or something for, like an upfront. I mean, he seems like very affable guy.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, very nice guy. But he swears and he's dirty, dirty, dirty. I don't know how he's gonna do that. Seven o'.

[Adam Carolla]

Clock. What is the seven o'? Clock? Is that syndicated?

[Josh Wolf]

It's all syndicated.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Jeopardy.

[Josh Wolf]

It's syndicated. Access Hollywood, that kind of magazine, all that stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that Teresa's show airs in certain markets in the 7pm zone.

[Adam Carolla]

The list, I think the List.

[Josh Wolf]

What is that?

[Allison Rosen]

Theresa Strasser, who formerly did the news on the Adam Carolla show, on the radio show, and then for a while on the podcast, moved to Phoenix to host a show called the List, which is. I think I forget the name of the syndication company, but markets that decided not, I think, not to show. Jeopardy. And Wheel of Fortune are showing. I know, right?

[Josh Wolf]

Not what.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm okay with that. Wheel of Fortune, but Jeopardy.

[Josh Wolf]

Wheel of Fortune makes me feel smart. I like Wheel of Fortune because I can sit there and I solve the puzzle and my kids, like, you're smart. I'm like, okay. Because the people on Wheel of Fortune are like, like half retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you know what I mean? It's not pretty. It's not a good batch of America that are people that are on Wheel of Fortune.

[Adam Carolla]

I do this when I watch Jeopardy. I sit silently through, like 28 questions about US history and about astrological, you know, constellations and things like that. And then, you know, know Greek mythology. And I just sit there with my fucking drooling. And then one comes up and it's, you know, sports history. And they go, you know, 1974, who was the all pro defensive tackle for The Los Angeles Rams. Like Merlin Olsen, you fucking retard.

[Josh Wolf]

Come on, come on, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

1. I know, but I'll sky. We sort of conveniently skate by the 31. I wouldn't have got before that. And then I go banana on the one. That has to do. Come on. That band is called Boston Idiots. Peace of mind. Jesus Christ, you guys. Idiots.

[Josh Wolf]

We know those because it's three nerds up there, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And they're like, right, right.

[Josh Wolf]

I gotta. But when it comes to music or sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Right in. Right. So I know the sports one, but I. Again, it's unfair, I think, because I'd have a huge goose egg on there while they were all into the. Into the teens and thousands.

[Brian Bishop]

You'd have negative.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd have negative, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't get to stick around for Final Jeopardy.

[Josh Wolf]

Who would do the best on Jeopardy between you three?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian. Brian is. Is built for that.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, what?

[Allison Rosen]

Not for life, really, but for the

[Josh Wolf]

house I was on. So he would do the best with Jeopardy.

[Adam Carolla]

He won a hundred thousand dollars on the Hundred thousand dollar Millionaire. Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

You want $100,000. How much of that do you actually see?

[Brian Bishop]

Was about 65,000.

[Josh Wolf]

How much of that do you have left?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, nothing.

[Josh Wolf]

Did you buy anything good?

[Adam Carolla]

All went up his nose.

[Josh Wolf]

Hookers, anything right up his nose.

[Brian Bishop]

Put a down payment on a house so it wouldn't go.

[Andy Kindler]

I would.

[Josh Wolf]

I definitely would not have done that. I know. 65,000. They just give it to you.

[Brian Bishop]

They give me $100,000 check. But you have to report its income that year. So whatever you make, just add it to it and then you get that tax bracket. And that was like 35% or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you take it and keep it separate as like this is a future down payment?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Oh, totally. I put it away in a savings account. Didn't touch it for however long I could.

[Josh Wolf]

I wish I had that. I wish I had that gene. I don't have anything.

[Allison Rosen]

No hair would actually do that. That's very smart.

[Josh Wolf]

Are you good with your money? Is your wife better with your money than you are?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but here's what I am with my money. I just treat it like I'm just like a shark that has to continuously swim forward. Otherwise I'll die because of the nut that I've occurred or accrued or whatever. Yes. So what I'm saying is I don't know what comes in. I don't know what comes out. All I know is I'm in constant earning mode. And basically, here's how AM once a year. My sort of yearly vacation is the pilgrimage to Monterey to do vintage car race. And it's expensive because you got to get the car to the track and you got to have a couple guys help you with the car and you got to get a hotel room in peak season and blah, blah, blah, and race fuel, you know, it's several thousand dollars and it's not $20,000, but it's, I don't know, know, five grand. It's not a cheap weekend. That's my vacation. Every single week or every single year for the last five years, I've put a show onto that weekend in Monterey. So what I do is I pay for the trip by doing a show Saturday night when I'm on the racetrack. Saturday during the day or Sunday during the day, we do a show that night.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you this year?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we did Carcast this year. Last year we did car cast and me and Dr. Drew, I think, did. Did a live show. So I'm like the kind of guy who's like, look, I don't mind spending money, but I really want to go do this race. But this race is expensive. So if I tack on this show where I only have to work a couple hours on a Saturday night, I can pay for the rooms and pay for the race and just get back to even.

[Josh Wolf]

But that's what I mean. Do you do that almost everywhere you go with your show, live shows? Because you can book a show at night no matter what? I try to do that too. If I'm off shooting somewhere, I try to book a show that night because why not? I mean, like you said, it's an hour and a half, two hours. You make a little money, you pay for your trip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and that's like my general sort of mindset, which is always try to keep more coming in than going out. But it's not always about, you know, how fast you can dance. It's kind of about being smart about it. Like, all right, Monterey, there's going to be a lot of people there. They have a bunch of little theaters in there. It's no big whoop to me to go out on a Saturday night. I'm there to race. I'm not really there to, you know, cruise chicks on a Saturday night. And by the way, I'll be done by 10 o' clock if I want to have a beer and have a late dinner and go out and do that afterwards. So that's, that's kind of the way

[Josh Wolf]

it's also, as a comic, I think it's more of a comics mentality. Like because you're used to. When you started you, you did, you started you and you worked for chicken fingers. Right. So my mentality is this could be my last check. That's always been my mentality. This could be my last check. Oh, this check. This could be my last check.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Josh Wolf]

It's. I mean, and I am a little Jewish. I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Josh Wolf]

But that's my mentality. It's a comics mentality. So that's why also when I go somewhere, if I have a couple hours and someone's like, you could do a show, I'm like, well, yeah, that could be my last check. So let's do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we do the same thing. Which is like you're going to Treasure island in Las Vegas, put a Mangria signing on at 7 o' clock and go do the show at 9. Like you're there anyway with George Wallace. Yeah, I don't, I don't get the. What I don't get is the person that goes, I need to go into my room and I need to unwind and my whole feeling is like, like, if I'm fucking here, I'm here. Let's just do it. I wrote my last book sitting in traffic back and forth, filming a TV show. I was filming TV show Where the Houses Were an hour and a half one way and then two hours drive back and you know, to get from Dana Point on a Wednesday at 4:30 back to Glendale to do a podcast. I was trapped in my car for three hours. Mike lynch is in Boston and we wrote my book while I was stuck in traffic. It's just, you know, if I'm gonna get stuck in traffic, I'm gonna get paid.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why occasionally in the book it'll say, God damn it, get out of the way. That makes so much more sense.

[Josh Wolf]

Merge, asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now there's an ant. There's an ant in front of me.

[Josh Wolf]

You know, by the way, that means

[Adam Carolla]

one less in my butt or could have come from.

[Josh Wolf]

All right, where do you think that that's a. It's a weird, very specific fear. Is it? It ants in your asshole. But any orifice, it's super specific to the ants.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to come clean. It's really ants in my vagina that I'm afraid of. I just cleaned it up for air a long time ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Asshole's cleaning.

[Josh Wolf]

An asshole is cleaner than your vagina.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

What am I saying?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on down there? That's. Well, if you Think about it. The asshole's a one way street whereas the vagina's a roundabout.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a cul de sac.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of people backing out, getting along.

[Josh Wolf]

There's more traffic in the vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes I can't even sleep from all the honking.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, double parked. Yeah, guys don't really, you know, straight guys don't really have that. It's just, you know. You know what I'm saying? All right, let's bring it home, baby girls.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Commercial Voice]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, prosperous prosper. Prosper.com Speaking of money. Yeah. Let's say you needed that 35 grand. Let's say you owed it to the tax man like Paul Brian did.

[Brian Bishop]

He blew the money right away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's say. What would you do if I could get you that 35 grand in 72 hours? Start a business, pay off the man, little home improvement. Prosper.com, peer to peer lending, connect borrowers like you with investors. No outrageous fees, no raising interest rates. Never set foot in a bank. Just go to prosper.com Adam, check your rate instantly without affecting your credit score. So go to prosper.com Adam, check your rate. Find out, hey, it's not going to cost you anything. It's not going to affect your credit score for limited time, by the way, they're offering my listeners a $50 Visa prepaid gift card when you get a loan. So go to prosper.com Adam Dawson.

[Commercial Voice]

Other restrictions apply. See site for details. Gift card is issued by Center State bank of Florida Pursu license from Visa USA Incorporated. All personal loans are made by Webbank, a Utah Chartered industrial bank member. FDIC equal housing lender.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, U.S. irvine improv. That'll be next Thursday. And of course Las Vegas Ventura coming up. So we're coming to a town near you. Also the LA Brain Tumor Walk. That is this Sunday at the LA Coliseum. And you can go. You are the chairman, third year. BrianBishop.com is where you go for info and especially to donate. Josh Wolf podcast Off the Rails. And then you go to the website comedianjoshwolf.com and you find out where and when he's coming to a town near you. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me, man. Until next time, Sam Kroll with Josh Wolfe, Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan. Say it. Mahalo.

[Matt Achity]

Oh, my God. He's talking to me.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right, that was Adam Carollo Show 1394. Coming up next, we have Adam Carollo Show Episode 341. This was one back in 2010 with Andy Kindler, Teresa Strasser and Brian Bishop. This is the ninth episode after they switched formats from the early podcast format with a lot of one on ones and a weekly day and date show to day and date all throughout the week, emulating the old morning show. Hope you guys enjoy this one because Adam probably is.

[Adam Carolla]

At first I didn't think it was real.

[Josh Wolf]

I woke up to this blinding light

[Adam Carolla]

and I was transported to another place.

[Josh Wolf]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice.

[Podcast Narrator]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Adam Carolla]

There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Josh Wolf]

Truth is that it's just so beautiful on Pluto.

[Commercial Voice]

Pluto TV free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly and they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts, right, Dawson, stop

[Commercial Voice]

by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so much to talk about. Just back from New York City. First, quick plug for our good friends over at Mangrate, the Grill Enhancement system. They're selling like hotcakes, like griddle cakes, pardon the pun. You want to fix up your griddle, drop the man grate on it. 100% cast iron, made in America. Great Father's Day gift. 25% off. Go to AdamCorolla.com see the nifty video of Ozzy cooking his flap steak. See if you can. See if you can ascertain the secret ingredients that Ozzy uses in his marinating process. But it turns any grill into a steakhouse grill. So again, check it out. Go to amcarolla.com and support our supporters. And speaking of supporters, we have our first road album out on Ike, itunes. That's right. Seven Never heard before attracts from all the live shows lovingly put together. Got all the fat and gristle and unfunny crap cut out of them. Mike lynch whacked it together, and it's on itunes. And you can buy the track separately or you can just buy the album. It's about an hour long and never heard before, never released before.

[Teresa Strasser]

And just the most succulent parts of the funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the best cuts of the beef, the kosher comedy. So if you want to support the show, and a lot of you say, hey, you know, if you had one of those donate buttons on your website, we would definitely donate. We thought, no, we don't want to do that. We don't want to go. We don't want to go lowbrow. We don't want to go ghetto. We don't need your charity. We need your sympathy. No, we want to offer you something.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's more like we need your participants participation.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So all of you who are checking us out on itunes, go to itunes. And it's our first offering. And that would really help keep everyone paid and keep everything going around here and keep this juggernaut chugging along. Juggernaut. All right, so there's ball Bryant on sound effects. Andy Kindler coming in. We'll be doing some news. Oh, the Odyssey. I just got back from New York and at a couple of things, and first. First one, controversial. And I feel like t. I feel like you're my. You're. You're my yardstick. You're my litmus paper. You can tell me whether the thoughts I'm thinking are racist or not.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Or fair.

[Teresa Strasser]

Run it by me or human.

[Adam Carolla]

You really got to go with me on this one. So I'm in New York, right, And I'm doing Howard Stern, and I'm shooting my book cover, and I'm running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and I'm doing all this publicity for Klondike and blah, blah, blah, but I. I'm able to hook up with Dag. That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Carolla]

Tony nominated David Allen Greer.

[Teresa Strasser]

That this has been controversial because, by the way, I heard from superfan Giovanni that. That there was a true rift between Dag and Dr. Drew that you had mentioned.

[Adam Carolla]

Dag says no.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Dag says no, huh?

[Teresa Strasser]

I guess it's one way.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be a player hater. So I'm gonna go see his new play called Race.

[Teresa Strasser]

David Mamet.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Mamet play. James Spader's in it, John Boyd Walton's in it. Hot black chick's in it. It's all there. And, you know, my feeling is this isn't my bad. I mean, I like big musical numbers, but this seems intense and, you know, very stripped down. But, you know, Dag's a good friend, and he's nominated for a Tony, so,

[Teresa Strasser]

you know, he's a very good actor. And also, David, great. David Mamet is one of the greatest living playwrights. He wrote Glengarry Glen Ross.

[Adam Carolla]

He can turn a phrase.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So first thing, Dag, you know, he says, you're coming down. And it's in amongst this crazy day of Howard Stern and all this press and back and forth and all this kind of stuff and the. So I say a couple good stories here. First off with the press, first interviews with some chick that doesn't like dudes and is kind of taking it out on me. But we go down right in the middle of Times Square to do some sort of, like, video interview for their website. And they take a couple of chairs and they face it toward these new red bleachers they built in the middle of Times Square. They built these sort of Lucite red bleachers for the tourists to climb up to in that island that's right in the middle of Times Square, where people buy from the Broadway kiosk and everything.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And she takes these two chairs. She literally, like, sits them up and sets them up and sits them right in front of these stairs. Facing the stairs. So we're starting this interview, and I said, you know, I. Maybe we should move off to the side where we're not so conspicuous and sort of drawing a crowd. I feel weird sitting here doing this interview with everyone staring, all these tourists staring at me.

[Teresa Strasser]

You probably get a lot more fan attention in New York because there are tourists from everywhere who don't usually see celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

You do than you do in la. And we're, like, literally putting ourselves on display. It felt weird. So I said, let's just move off the. To the side. And she's like, yeah, okay. All right, let's do that. And I noticed A couple sort of eyeballing me as the whole time I was explaining, maybe we should move off to the side. And at some point, they were clearly Taurus, because they're wearing, like, you know, the belly bags, and they had, like, you know, front back and right. Left side shorts. Yeah. And the jeans. So I get up and I say, you know, I just don't. I don't want to attract a bunch of attention here. And I get up, and as I get up, the two people approach me, and they go, could you help us out with the picture? And I said, you see what I'm talking about? And this has never happened to me in my career. My arm goes around the wife, you know, and I start sort of crouching down, and the guy standing in front of me, and of course, course it's in front of the woman who's also interviewing me. And I kind of think to myself, the timing could not have been better for this because I'm just sort of explaining to her that, you know where it's heading.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

This has never happened to me before, but I was like, I'm too big a star to sit in the middle of Times Square facing the red bleachers.

[Teresa Strasser]

People are gonna want a piece of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Like these two that just approach us. And like, almost on cue, like I said, we should move. And as we stood up. Excuse me, do you think we could get a picture? See, sweetie? Do you see what I have to deal with? Some call to blessing I called a curse. And I start putting my arm around the woman, and the guy just stands there, confused, confused. And then he starts pushing the camera toward me. Of course, this is all in front of her. And the woman is interviewing me, and he says, could you take a picture of us in front of Times Square? And now I'm devastated, and I feel humiliated in front of her. But the part that's really bad about it is I'm thinking, contextually, I'm putting my arm around his wife, right? Like, if this just coming out of

[Teresa Strasser]

nowhere, he must be so confused. Why is this stranger whom he's asked to take a picture of his wife just touching his wife for no reason?

[Adam Carolla]

You know how the game is played. Ain't nothing for free in New York City. No free photos. You guys do swing. What part of the Netherlands you from? I bet you swing pretty good.

[Brian Bishop]

Cat, grass, or ass?

[Commercial Voice]

Yep.

[Teresa Strasser]

Quid pro quo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. No one flashes for free.

[Teresa Strasser]

Tit for tat.

[Adam Carolla]

So that was humiliating. And anyway, got through that day and quickly got back to the hotel and called My good buddy John Bynes and said, meet you over at the theater. Had this. Had this funny interaction with. With. With Dag, where I said, all right, so, Dag. I called him back and I said, dag, I'm bringing my buddy John, who is a writer for Kimmel, and I used to write for the Man Show. I said, I'm bringing my buddy John, so could you leave two tickets for us at the will call? And he, you know how with Dag, you never know? Evidently, Dr. Drew especially never knows. Laughing, he goes, oh, they just give me one ticket, man. And so you're on your own and you know, all right, well, see it. I'll see you tonight. And sure enough, they give him one ticket. Yeah, so I'm going to the show now. I'm really not nuts about seeing this show. I mean, at least I'm not looking forward to seeing a David Mamet play called Race with James Spader in it. But I want to get together with Dag, and I want to get together with Bynes. And really, probably if I had my druthers, I would have taken a nap and met him after the show. Yeah, but let's go see the show.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, a nap. Like what he used to take during the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Pull up to the window and like, hi, I'm Caroll. Yeah, I know you. Dan with the stars. Yeah, I got a couple tickets under David Alan Greer's name. No, you just have the one ticket. Oh, okay. Well, how do we get the other ticket? Will you buy it? Oh, okay. How much is that? It's $122. And I'm like, now I'm buying my date. There's always that weird thing where it's like, I invited him to go, yeah,

[Teresa Strasser]

you kind of have to pay.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to pay. And I'm so weird and cheap and everything that I don't think I've ever paid, like, more than $40 for a ticket. I never went to a Lakers game there. Brought a scalped ticket. Like, and it's weird to a play because it's like, there's not a lot of moving parts. There's not 18 wheelers and rigs and pyrotechnics.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't feel like you're getting your money's worth. Like in a musical and there's a chorus of 50 in costumes and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Orchestra doing the can can. Or like, when you see, you know, Le Cirque or something or La Cage or what of those Vegas Cirque du Soleil or something like that. Like, you Go, okay, this is a big.

[Teresa Strasser]

They're underwater.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a 50 gallon. You know, Shamu's pool is in there and they're jumping into it. So there's a bunch of guys sitting around talking. But anyway, so I'm like, all right. So I pay my 125 bucks. We go in and we go sit in the theater. And the theater is fairly. It probably wasn't sold out, but it was at least 95% sold out. Not too many open seats for Tuesday night and early show, 7 o' clock show, which I didn't know about, but so we made sure and got there by seven. And they started the show pretty promptly. Like, we sort of sat down, talked for a beat, and the curtain started going up. And I must have started that thing about 7, 7 10, 7 11. And I noticed a fair number of African Americans folks at the event because, well, I've been to a couple of plays in my day and not so much, you know, an Oz and, you know, or whatever. The one with the Good witch, Wicked and all that shit. Yeah, Like, I went to Wicked. I was the blackest guy. Wicked, you know, because your hair. Because of my hair. Right. And so. And my sense of rhythm. And so there. There's like, I would say 15, 20% brothers in the crowd, which may not sound like a lot, but for a Broadway play, I guarantee you've never been to one where there was, you know, 15, 20, like, you know, every fifth guy in there was a brother.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sure. It's unusual. I remember seeing A Raisin in the sun also on Broadway with Alicia Rashad.

[Brian Bishop]

That's racist.

[Teresa Strasser]

And Puff Daddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And, yeah, it was noticeable that they got a larger number of African American. In fact, it was a big story that they were, you know, luring minorities to Broadway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And once the word gets out, 122 bucks a pop, probably slow down that group just a little bit. It's a lot of malt liquor. Point is this. We're sitting in there. That wasn't even my racist thought yet.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was gonna say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they sitting in there and the play just gets shot out of a can and just starts off, we got a black attorney. We have a white attorney. We have a black sort of junior attorney, young woman. We have a white male who's accused of raping his black mistress. And there's allegations and there's a lot of, you know, you have preconceived notions about me because I'm a black woman. I hired you not because you were black. I hired you because you were smart, but you also knew you were taking a chance. But you. Because if you hire a black person and you can't, you know, if you fire them, there could be allegations of racism. And it really was. Did a nice job of sort of capturing what I think all of us go through on a daily basis where you have these thoughts. But for every thought that Mamet presents through the actor, where you went, yeah, that's right. He then provides a counter thought to it as seen through the eyes of the black female.

[Teresa Strasser]

You don't know whose side you're on. I found this with his play, I think it's called Oleanna, about sexual harassment. A college student accuses her professor. And when you leave, you don't know whose side you're on or who's.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because you're like, yeah, that's right. That big fat white attorney, he can't hire black people. He wants to, but he can get accused of racism. He will never be able to fire him and get wrongful termination. And then you hear, you know, through. Now the black person is going to tell you how they see it. And you go, oh, yeah, yeah, I could see that. So. So you're wrestling with all these ideas

[Teresa Strasser]

and it sounds well worth your 122.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. Until somewhere around nine minutes in, there's a couple of late folks.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like this large sort of black couple, like kind of theater's parents, kind of heavy set, you know, walking down the aisle. Excuse me. And it's like the thing. It's a small, intimate theater and it's a raked stage and the actors are walking up to the fourth wall and talking to it. You know, they're seeing everyone walking down the aisle and doing it. Excuse me. Excuse me. As they're trying to go down. And these are. People are fairly large and they're making noise and it's like, all right, I hate it. Like, you have no idea until you go to one of these plays how often people feel the need to cough. You're just sitting there. You're just like. And then like two seconds later, from the other side of the auditorium, it's like, is there fucking. Is there a rash of TB going

[Teresa Strasser]

around like legionnaires in here?

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck's going on? Like, I don't. I'm not coughing all show.

[Teresa Strasser]

Also, you're unwrapping your cough drop and the cellophane, it's almost like it's amplified.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like it mite. Everyone's hands. There was one woman and I couldn't find her, but she had huge bracelets on, like big silver bracelet. And you could hear them clips. Like it was like the Ghost of Christmas Pass, like dragging down the hall. You know, it's a clank chain ever. So everything's on your radar. So anyhow, I have my. I have my, my disorder where I happen to notice things and it all bothers me. And a couple minutes later, another couple. Couple shows up. They're late. They happen to be African American as well. Now they're talking about race on stage. And like they're doing this thing where they're like, you buy into stereotypes and that's the most dangerous thing you can do in this country. We live in a nation. And as they're saying it, another late black couple shows up. And now I'm keeping tabs, right? I'm like, please let one white guy show up late here because it's. It's been nothing but black since this play has started. And I'm starting to think. And there was literally like 12 to 14 people that sort of meandered in somewhere between the time it started and the 18 minute mark and they were all black.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you're saying 20% of the overall audience was black, but 100% of the late comers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I took great note of this and I couldn't figure out, out now right when they're on stage. And it's so funny because they're engaged in this conversation about stereotypes and this sort of thing that I'm wrestling with right as they're doing it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Maybe they were part of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was like Tony and Tina's wedding.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. To make you really think about what you're seeing, they hire bit players that are African American to play latecomers.

[Adam Carolla]

Lucius and Aquanetta's wedding. And Kwan and Sizzling's wedding. So I was sitting there like, trying not to count anymore, trying not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. And then inevitably, at some point, the entire group from the table of the Nutty professor came down from the balcony. The clump, at some point, point, literally the clumps, like, came out of the opening. That's down by the bottom there. That's like from the stairs and like sort of where have seats, you know, it's sort of pushed around. And I was like, why? And then, you know, meanwhile, David Al Greer is on stage going, yeah, I'm black, so I'm lazy and I'm late and I'm no count. And I can't be trusted. And. And I'm sitting there just again I have this crazy tally going. My head. Yeah, maybe it was some sort of 3D. A play going experience meta brilliant. I'm just saying couple things. Feel if you have a play that caters to this group, feel free to start it a little bit later than you think.

[Teresa Strasser]

A 7:15 start time. Oklahoma, say seven factor in.

[Adam Carolla]

Like if you got a bunch of old white people, go ahead and start it on time.

[Teresa Strasser]

If you have a younger are going

[Adam Carolla]

to be on time, younger, darker skinned folk. I'd start this one at 7:15. But then I start thinking, oh that's just a stereotype. But then I. But then it was like 100% of the late people that only made up 18% of the audience. So where, where am I? Am I racist? Should I notice? I couldn't help but notice because that's all they were talking about was race on stage.

[Teresa Strasser]

Of course you would notice because you're in that frame of mind thinking about these issues.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'm sure it was an isolated incident, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a small sampling of what, six people who are late. On the late side.

[Adam Carolla]

Thirteen. But yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Although I will say that your wife and I interviewed John Salley for the parent experiment this week.

[Adam Carolla]

Running a little late.

[Teresa Strasser]

He was, well, he was like 15 minutes late and he was very excited about it because he said I made

[Adam Carolla]

it only 15 minutes late.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then he said I'm black, so I'm early.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

But for him to say it, it's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think there's a situation here that speaks to a slightly bigger problem, which is far be it from us, who took these people over on the Amistad and enslaved them to then get up John Salley's ass if he's 16 minutes late. But the reality is, although my head

[Teresa Strasser]

is right there, that is so easy to do.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Did the whole show. This ball's resting on your forehead that I think this is the point. I think if you are showing up late and you're Ed Begley Jr. Someone might point out to you that you're late.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're John Salley, far be it from us who've done these horrible atrocities to these people over the years to now pile on by pointing out they're late.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Although someone probably should say to John, Sally, hey man, that's not cool. It's not going to be me, it's not going to be Brian, it's not going to be you, and it's not Going to be anyone in that theater. But I'm just saying maybe someone ought to tap John Sally on the shoulder and say, I know this is considered a joke and sort of pervasive in the community, but maybe it's not a great thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I think I'm super conscious about doing things. Right. I'm super self conscious about doing things that would be stereotypical of my background. You know what I mean? Like, if you ask to borrow money, I'll loan it to you, and then I'll never ask for it. But back, huh? Because I don't want you to think

[Adam Carolla]

that I'm trying to do it down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I'm chewing you. I don't negotiate because that makes me feel self conscious.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I feel that I represent the Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right, right, right. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Donnie the Nose, I can't help.

[Adam Carolla]

Does the same thing with the Jewish religion.

[Teresa Strasser]

He does.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not with the money. Just by smoking a lot of weed, having an 86 IQ, he's trying to

[Teresa Strasser]

fly in the face of your ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting put on academic probation at LA Valley College was his statement of. I'm breaking every stereo. All you doctors, orthodontists, attorneys, you guys at Brown and Yale and Harvard and Stanford. Take that.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Take that. I'm ripping a bongload and flopping in Ace's garage.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think that's why my dad became a mechanic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. A far. A far more bold statement, I would argue, than you just not asking for a paid for.

[Teresa Strasser]

We can. We can also be failures and underachievers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Make me some juice. Yeah. All right. So again, this was going on right in front of this backdrop of this mammoth play, and I couldn't help but have my mind wander. That being said, the play was excellent. Dag was unbelievable. You realize just how good that guy is. Is. We went to a. We went to a speakeasy afterward where, like a Broadway thing where it's like, you know, Dag has a car waiting for him and sort of secret knock. And there's no. There's. There's no signage above the door. And it's like, right this way and up these stairs, and there's Christian. Christine. No, Christian Chenoweth.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Kristin Chenoweth from Wicked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's there and Judd Hirsch is there. And it's like Broadway people. It's like where they all go and hang out to be left alone after their plays.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was awesome. So, great time with the Dag and great time watching the show. Everything was fantastic until the flight home. Oh no left, left yesterday at, gonna get picked up at the hotel at 3:45. Had a 6:10 flight out of JFK. And let me say this, it's one of these things you don't really factor in. I factor it in. And you who are listening may factor it in in your hometown, but you don't do it on the road. Like when I leave LAX, if someone says, oh we got you a 10am flight, I go, no, no, no. Because that means someone's got to pick me up right in the heart of traffic and I going to crawl all the way to LAX. It's going to take two hours. Make the flight noon, make the flight 11:30. It'll take me 28 minutes.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're familiar with the traffic patterns of your area, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But when you go to New York you don't realize, especially two weeks later when someone goes, you'll be flying out at six o'. Clock. You go. Then it starts raining in the city. Now we're sitting there right in front of the Four Seasons, right in the heart of Manhattan setting and it's 3:45, it's 4:00', clock, it's 4:15. The car ain't coming, the car ain't getting to us. Commandeer, you can't get a cab because they don't want to go out. It's raining and it's raining. You can't get a cab.

[Teresa Strasser]

Plus you said you were the blackest person at the place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, so they wouldn't pick me up, right? Flag down some sort of like rogue town car. Yes, bootleg ones the guys drive.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's usually an Israeli.

[Adam Carolla]

What is, where do you go? It's. What is JFK? The 8000$. And then you haggle for a while

[Teresa Strasser]

to get down to 2000.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, okay, 2800. And it's like you sit there and eventually it goes, okay, get in 100, you know. But it starts out. So you jump in and we're all an ass to the airport. And I got a first class ticket on United that's in one of those recliners. Like they literally have a lazy boy there with a fucking. I'm so tired and all I want to do is sleep, but we're going to miss the goddamn flight.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now who are you with?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with Alex of Lynn and Alex Flame. All right, Freudian slip there? Yeah, I'm with Alex and he's having a little gay meltdown and he's on the phone dispatcher. Where are they? And they're not here and they fuck you over because if they would just tell you at 4 o', clock, hey man, sorry, you're on your own, right? Then you make a mad day. But instead they do the thing where it's, well, I talk to the guy, he's coming up, he's stuck in traffic. Is he on 58th or 57th? He's just behind the hotel. Says he'll be there by 4:30, but then when he doesn't show, now you're, because you, you just wasted that last half hour that you definitely, that was the make or break, that half hour right there. And if someone would just say, fuck it, it ain't happening. You just go jump on the hood of a cab and you'd get there. So we finally get a car, we get there, we miss the flight, blah, blah, blah, Find some other flight, get on that flight. Delta delayed, 33rd in line. By the way, if there are any pilots listed, you know, a little information from the flight deck is fine. You want to say that the wind's out of the northwest at 3 knots. Fine. Don't need the constant update about how far toward the back of the queue we are for takeoff. Like, well, we're, you know, we're currently number 168. A couple of land strips have been closed down, so it should be about a two hour wait before it mentally fucks you over when you realize you're 47th in line.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I don't want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

We're on the plane, it's dark, I got a drink. Let's just keep inching forward. Don't even say anything. Just say we'll be lifting off soon. Don't keep giving me how far back we are, right? Anyway, get back to LA at 12:30. Get down, go down, go down the escalator. Where's the car? Car's not there. Now Alex on the phone in full gay effect, he is fucking livid because the first car cost us fucking a lot of money and missing the flight. Showing up late and the second guy's not there. And this happens to me all the time where there's this weird thing where everyone who drives a car in New York or LA has a nationality that really puts them above. There's not. You can't yell at people that don't understand what's going on. You know what I mean? Like I, we was in the cut. I was in, I was waiting on Cub and the officer, he tells me to move and it's like, I've had this happen A million times. Where I go down the escalator, the purse, everyone is standing there holding a dry erase board with everyone else's name on it, but your name is not there. So you wander around the airport for a while and at a certain point you come back and you find the guy. And I. You called the dispatcher and then he says, I was out in the parking lot waiting by the car.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you're like, how would I know?

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck would I know what you look like? There's 80 black Lincoln Town Cars and 80 folks from 80 countries I've never heard of standing next to them with the trunk open. Do you think I'm just gonna go, I got a feeling about this one car. Yeah, this one's mine. My name is Todd Room Washington. Fucking wait. How about. How about you try this wild experiment? How about you wait at the fucking bottom of the escalator with my name on a fucking piece of cardboard, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Seems to work.

[Adam Carolla]

You get this one too, where the guy goes, you're not around. I can't find the guy. Circle the thing. You call the dispatcher. The guy's like, yeah, I was waiting by the baggage carousel. Well, I didn't check any bags, right? Why not wait at the bottom of the escalator? Everyone's got to come down is with the fucking signs. Now I know what's going on. They fucked up and they're late. And at the airport it's real easy just to do the. I got lost and right. This guy who never showed up, his thing was I was outside in my car, but they made. They made me move on. Right, but what we doing in your car? Why weren't you out of your fucking car holding the fucking sign? So at this point it's like 1am and we've all had it. Just a. An impacted asshole of fucking this day and travel and missing cars and I

[Teresa Strasser]

still have yet to hear how Stern was.

[Adam Carolla]

Stern was great, Theresa.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam's complaining about airport drivers.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know, I know, but I think

[Allison Rosen]

people will want to hear shooting commercials.

[Teresa Strasser]

You were on for three hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Did three hours, had a good time. Stern's a delight. Now back to the ocean. Now I'm fucked because now I get home and at about 1:30.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't say I didn't try, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Get home about 1:30 and you know it's about 3:30 my time. Gotta have myself a glass of wine, watch a little Ultimate Fighter. Great story. Go to bed at 3. Compelling and rich. Go to bed at 3 and realize cannot sleep in. Have to get up and call a radio station in Salt Lake City to plug a live appearance. Wake up, it set the alarm for 7:15. Fucking completely delirious and out of my mind. That weird thing where your eyes hurt. The eyes traveling and drinking.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucked up. And your clocks all fucked up. Get up at 7:15, stagger down to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of coffee, Go upstairs, sit down. The computer, turn it on, find the fucking phone number, call the guy. Note 7:30, phone 8. Note the time, 7:33. Guy picks up the phone. Yeah, sorry, you called in too late. I said, It's. It's 7:30. He said, no, you're supposed to call at 7:30. It's. You're five minutes late. I said, I'm not five minutes late, I'm three minutes late. But most of the time you call in at 7:30 and they put you on hold for eight minutes while you listen to fucking under the Bridge. And they go, no, sorry. And then the guy like reprimands me. I said, well, wait a minute, is it the. Is there a time difference problem? Because it's an hour later. And he says, no, no, you just called in too late. I said, I called in three minutes late. And he said, five minutes late. And I was like, are you fucking shitting me? I fucking set my alarm for this shit after going to bed at 3:00am and he's like, yeah, we're gonna have to reschedule. And here's the thing, let me just say this. This is fucking terrestrial radio. We have to play another Justin Timberlake song. We have to another play another piece of shit song you don't want to hear. They're on that fucking time schedule. They're on that fucking calendar. I've just done 31 fucking minutes about anything I want to fucking talk about. And that's what I love about this format. I don't care if you're miserable, Paul. Brian. I don't care if you're miserable. T. The point is, is that you're some podunk shitball station in fucking Utah and you have a nice C list celebrity, set his alarm and get up and call you three minutes late. And by the way, the next station I called right on time, they asked me if I could call back in 12 minutes. That's the way it normally goes. Of course that's the way it goes. But idea that he can just blow me off because they're off schedule because he's got to play another song. I mean, I've been at radio stations where it's like that Fucking Al Gore on the phone. And like, sorry, Al, we got to clear the phone. We got to play. Play a song from Limp Bizkit.

[Josh Wolf]

Here's a song by a gay guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

They gotta get.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do they do that? Time. The time and the traffic and the weather. All right, T, can we do a little bit of news before. That was my morning. That was my day. That was my yesterday.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's all you're gonna tell us about the Stern, and he's a delight.

[Adam Carolla]

He's nice. He. He's complimentary. He digs what we're doing over here. There's always one. They always line up one dick to call up goes, well, you with Bonaduce. He's my hero.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they always do that. There was that one guy. There was just one thing. Polly Shore came on and told a wolf woeful tale about, you know, fighting with his siblings over there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I've heard about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, it's sad. The Comedy Store.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My. My reaction to that was cry me a river, because when my mom dies, me, my sister are gonna argue over 72 VW square back.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Not a fucking patch of land worth $10 million in the middle of Sunset Strip.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you ask him about his bent penis? The story we heard from Bobby Lee?

[Adam Carolla]

I was off the cock. No, I did not bring that up. I had the decorum not to bring that up.

[Teresa Strasser]

God. So. So Polisher was on while you were on telling the sad story about his. The rift with the siblings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

And otherwise it was good. And he was the delight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Stern's great. And we had a good talk. Hung out. Good times. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And he. Does he chat you up during the commercials?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Really? He's a nice Jewish boy, is really what he is. Yeah, at heart, that's what he is. And he sent me an email that just said you loved you. Great times. Thanks for coming on. Best part of the show. We'll see you soon. Like, he's a really sweet guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's always nice to hear. Show it to you when. Pardon?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it's on my phone. I don't know the message. Yeah, I mean, it's for us, but it's nothing, you know? Yeah. Donnie will give me my phone or. Oh, it's probably my car. Donnie, go to my car.

[Commercial Voice]

From the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Teresa Strasser]

Rough day for bald Brian. Usc, facing harsh penalties from the ncaa, they are Sending a warning to all elite programs and making USC an example. Some say the committee on Infractions used its much anticipated decision on USC sanctions as a chance to make an example of ex Trojan stars Reggie Bush and O.J. mayo.

[Adam Carolla]

There were two of the guys who were late when we were watching race. By the way, I recognize them. They're wearing their trip jersey.

[Brian Bishop]

I got the place all queued up.

[Teresa Strasser]

I figured you would. 13 vacated wins, 30 docked scholarships.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, what is a 30 vac? How do 13 vacated wins?

[Brian Bishop]

What happens is they strike your wins and all the accomplishments from that year from the record books.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

So when you guys beat Oklahoma at the Orange bowl, that never happened. Happened?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I was there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well,

[Brian Bishop]

it most definitely happened. Listen, everyone saw that ass kicking and everyone knows that. So even though the history books may not say it, I was there at that game.

[Adam Carolla]

So is it stricken from the record? Is there an asterisk?

[Brian Bishop]

I think there will be no record of them ever having won a game that year vacated.

[Adam Carolla]

But nobody from that team is going to go. I was from the 07 team that went 0 and 13.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, exactly. It's weird because they've done it before in the past with like Kentucky basketball who've won national championships and been like, oh, we vacated all your Windsor that year. It's like, well, I have a ring and I cut down the nets so I know I won something. You know what I mean? It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird sort of ceremonial, but it's not. It's. It's sort of tantamount to being suspended with pay. Yeah. In a weird way, it's like. It's not much of a punishment, at least that. That part of it, because everyone recognizes the wins.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I think what's tougher is going to be the 30 scholarships they lost and the two year bull ban.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

You all right?

[Adam Carolla]

Bull band sounds like a weight loss procedure. Are you ready for the bull ban?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I've tried every diet, exercise.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't work cold Turkey.

[Brian Bishop]

I called 100. Bull band. I lost 180 pounds.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Shrunk my stomach with the bull ban

[Brian Bishop]

week for USC fans, but I rescued a puppy. You did okay, Adam. I rescued. I found him at the bottom of a very dark Beverly Hills rescue salon or studio and rescued a brotherhome.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, what kind of puppy?

[Adam Carolla]

We're not sure.

[Brian Bishop]

We think maybe a terrier chihuahua makes a little guy £10.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you're keeping it?

[Brian Bishop]

Keeping him.

[Teresa Strasser]

What do you call it?

[Adam Carolla]

Charleston Charlie.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, that's cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Congratulations, friends here's Stern's email to me later that day entitled you thanks for being on the show. You were beyond great. Loved having you sit in, Howard. That's just, like I said, so nice. Well, listen, why are you interrupting me? I'm a radio show host. I never email anyone thanking them for, I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, to be fair, you can't be.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you never have Lynette email people.

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. So there you go. Much more conscientious, friendly, nice sort than. Than I. And very sweet.

[Josh Wolf]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Dear sir, dear J. Moore, dear J. Your delete appearance showing up, show up your. You coming on. No, wait, you're thank. I'd like to fuck your wife. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Send.

[Adam Carolla]

Send. Hit send.

[Teresa Strasser]

Speaking of things you shouldn't have said, a 13 year old girl went on the Today show and said the C word twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I'm gonna play it for you in a moment. This gal, Kayla Manson, was accused as an accomplice after her boyfriend allegedly attempted to murder her best friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now is this one of those things? Because they. When you ask stupid people, what did he say to you?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They go, I'm gonna kill you, you cunt.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, this is exactly that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, because dumb people and kids can't filter, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

They can't go, she's just answering the question.

[Adam Carolla]

He said, I'm going to blank you. You know, they can't do that. They have to say exactly what they said verbatim. So yes, you can't ask a 13 year old, tell me what he told you because they will say it.

[Teresa Strasser]

And by the way, this 13 year old is from Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. And by the way, when it's just like legalizing pot or having the pot dispensaries. For people to listen to, it makes for fun conversation.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's good times.

[Brian Bishop]

Old people go the other way with cursing. They're like, they overcompensate for words that aren't really that bad. They're like. And then I told. He told me, hey, you son of a.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Right? Yeah, I told him I was gonna. Well, yeah, I told him he could go to he double hockey sticks. Yeah. And then, and then there's the old. There's the out of it old guy. Where they go, well, he called me up. Well, can you say son of a. I like that. Like, yeah, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

How.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Meredith Vieira, by the way, I thought she handled it well. But in retrospect, perhaps she could have predicted that when she asked this question, this 13 year old girl would have dropped a couple sea bombs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's hear it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we go back to March 17, that day that those text messages were

[Teresa Strasser]

exchanged between Josie and Wayne?

[Adam Carolla]

You were in school with Josie. You.

[Teresa Strasser]

You heard about the texts.

[Adam Carolla]

You saw them?

[Allison Rosen]

I only saw two.

[Adam Carolla]

You saw two.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you see the one where he threatened her to kill her?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You did not.

[Teresa Strasser]

Which ones? Did you see the one where he.

[Adam Carolla]

She calls him a rapist and she calls him a cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, he calls her a cunt, she corrects it.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's all right, sweetheart.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you have a conversation?

[Adam Carolla]

Why didn't anyone laugh?

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, Meredithira, you see her tense up for a second. And then later in the show, she apologized and she took responsibility, saying that, you know, she. She asked the girl what the text said, and the girl was just answering the question.

[Brian Bishop]

Final answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Final answer.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't we get the fuck over all this stuff? We do know what it is, right? And then, as I've said many times, certain shows, they beep out words that are less offensive and your mind fills in the word. Like you just have that auto fill your brain does autofill. When you hear a guy go, hey, listen you. And then they bleep it out. I just go with the worst possible word there. And it could be dick or bastard or something like that, but I have fuckface. That's what I put into every.

[Teresa Strasser]

Every beat. Zoe's fuck face.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so she said, con. Big fucking deal. But I do love it. That is awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that fun?

[Teresa Strasser]

Why is it so fun?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you why it's fun. It's fun because it's a stupid law in the first place. And again, it's insane. Like, I understand. Look, you know, my kids watch Little Bear and Dora the Explorer. And even though Dora the Explorer technically is a cunt, I understand by Swiper, the fox doesn't call her a fat cunt, even though he should call her a fat gun. I understand why Swiper doesn't say it, but when you're doing these shows and you're talking, here's the problem with our society. We want to get into all the salacious details of rape and murder. And they do a lot of this stuff in prime time. Like, they'll go like, okay, this is uncomfortable. But he had intercourse with the corpse after he had murdered the school age girl. And in a chilling twist, he made love to the corpse. He then decapitated the corpse and shoved her into A wood chipper once again when they found. But meanwhile, if the s bomb slid out in the course of that, they'd have to beat the it out and then apologize. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they, when you, when they do the. All these CSI shows and all these crime shows and all these like gritty real life whatever shows, they're full of blood and guys getting run through with pool cues and it's like they're. They're finding hookers by the side of the river and they're pulling them up and they're showing like flies on them and the decompose losing and shit like that. But God forbid someone says shit. I'm asking you what's more offensive.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, the content could be incredibly disturbing. But one girl drops a sea.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the content? What is she talking about here? Somebody stuck it stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus or somebody being killed or raped or whatever. What is the. I don't know what she's talking about.

[Teresa Strasser]

The alleged attempted murder of her best friend by her boy boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Which we all hope that our kids grow up and say the word and cunt before they're raped or murdered or tempted to be murdered by some 13 year old from Tallahassee. Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus, can we get over it already?

[Teresa Strasser]

Jane Fonda said it. It was a big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Who cares?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody gives a shit. Everyone just pretends like they do. All right. T next story.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, there's another teenager in the news. That 16 year old girl who sought to become the youngest person to sailor on the globe is feared lost at sea. Shocking rescue. Rescuers searched for Abby Sunderland yesterday after her emergency beacons were activated overnight and she lost radio communication. She was believed to be in trouble somewhere in the southern Indian Ocean between Africa and Australia where rough storms hit during the night.

[Adam Carolla]

How old was she?

[Teresa Strasser]

Sixteen.

[Brian Bishop]

Was she alone?

[Teresa Strasser]

She was attempting to become the youngest person to sail around the world. World solo.

[Andy Kindler]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Without stopping.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, I don't. First off, where the are these parents? Like when, like he's gonna be the youngest kid to fly a plane?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, her brother.

[Adam Carolla]

Around the world.

[Teresa Strasser]

Went around the world, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, remember these kids are like, you know, flying airplanes and crashing them and shit like that. I don't, I don't understand. Here's what I understand. You can't get your learner's permit until you're 15 and a half. You can't buy beer until you're 21. You can't vote until you're 18. There's plenty of shit like you kind of want to do. Like as a 16 year old, if you wanted to drop out of high school and get a job and get your own pad, you'd have to be emancipated or get some whatever. But if you want to climb Mount Everest at 9 or fly a Cessna over the Kremlin as a zygote, no problemo. I mean, I don't want more rules. But how does it work?

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know. It's confusing because as a parent, I mean, I'm completely paranoid about, you know, my child catching a cold or these people put their teenager on a boat. See ya. Have a nice time going around the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like your brother did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's insane, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's insane.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't think that's good parenting. And this part where it's like, hey man, she asked to do it because she wanted to.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's her passion.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just as bad as those parents of, you know, the stage mobs.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was saying the same thing. It's, it's a cousin of a pageant.

[Adam Carolla]

She wants to be Little Miss Little Indiana. It's like, yeah, look, so look, I wanted to build a raft with Tom Sawyer and float down the Mississippi when I was nine with my best friend and Negro Gym.

[Allison Rosen]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Actually they would have preferred that, I'm sure. Engine Geo. I don't know who the guys were on that show. The point is, what is this? Parents are supposed to go, no, you can't do that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? It's not safe.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not safe. Or in my parents case, that would cost us 50 cents. We're not so much worried about the danger part.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know, it is bizarre and I agree with you that it does seem to say something about the parents because they always want to. Perhaps have even convinced themselves that this is. The girl wanted to sail. That's what she wanted, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Also not great at a dinner party. Hey, where's little Chandra? Lost at sea. What happened? She fell off a cruise liner while you guys were on vacation, going to see some glaciers in Alaska or. Not so much. What were you doing? Just on a fishing trip or something? No. Well, it must have been horrifying. Did you try to go in after? I was actually in Oregon at the time. She went out with some friends. On a boat? No, Lake Havasu. You know what, I'm gonna flip over all the cards. She was circumnavigating the globe alone and somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Although They've narrowed it down to a. Well, it's more of a recovery effort now than it is.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's somewhere between Africa and Australia. There were storms. We didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

The tidal currents are very. They shift all the time over there. And once you hit the Gulf Stream, God knows where her body could be. Anyway, past the hummus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I hope they find her.

[Adam Carolla]

So she snuck out at night and commandeered a boat? No, it's something we've been Planning since the Ninth Grade.

[Teresa Strasser]

You've Been Planning this For your. Yeah, 16 Year Old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She was boat schooled.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, you both schooled her?

[Adam Carolla]

I boat schooled her.

[Teresa Strasser]

And she probably doesn't even have a driver's license.

[Adam Carolla]

This knot's called a sheep shank, sweetie.

[Teresa Strasser]

She had some equipment problems, and she was forced to stop for repairs, but she decided to continue. I'm sure the parents said, you can't stop now.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to push on.

[Teresa Strasser]

Push on past the hummus.

[Adam Carolla]

Meanwhile, we've turned your room into Daddy's office, so, you know, if you don't come back.

[Teresa Strasser]

Six of one.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I think we have a new leader in the clubhouse. We're definitely not a Jew.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, there are a lot of issues. The sailing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

The underprotective parents.

[Brian Bishop]

The hummus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, the hummus. Wait, no. We do eat hummus.

[Adam Carolla]

Jew would be like, you're. Sweetie, you're not leaving the house without your homing beacon.

[Teresa Strasser]

You have your homing beacon, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Sweetie, do you have your inflatable Zodiac? Awesome.

[Teresa Strasser]

Also, the seasickness. I don't know why I associate that with Jews. Or it's just me, but I'm a landlocked Hebrew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I cannot get on water for any reason.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't like being jostled. That's why they're not great stunt pilots or rodeo clowns.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, you're right. We're. We're fragile.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

We got a wrap. All right, one here.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a ramp. We got to bring in Andy. Yeah, I gotta do a

[Commercial Voice]

news. You cnn.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Quick tip of the cap to one of our other sponsors. 01 Media Center. 310-651-8488. They built us a couple supercomputers. They're authorized Apple dealers. Dealer fixed the Apple computers, fix the ipods, fix the iPhones, fixed us up. And they do custom computers. They do the system for whatever you want. Film, TV, music industry. Over 15 years experience. Great guys over there. And again, 01 Media Center. 310. 6518488. Support the people that support us. And speaking of supporting us, we're going to be at the El Portal theater this Saturday. Tomorrow night still or not tomorrow night. Saturday night. Yeah. Got that worked out. Still a couple tickets available, but going fast. We'll be there. I'll be there. Doing our live comedy show. And where the hell else we're gonna be? Yell it out. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Chicago.

[Adam Carolla]

Chicago, that's right. Also borderline in Thousand Oaks Friday night. Still some tickets available to that, so come out and say hi. All right. Shall we bring out the great comedian Andy Kinler.

[Andy Kindler]

Hey, hey, hey. Like that intro?

[Adam Carolla]

Why not?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, it's nice and cool in here.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Like a welcome.

[Andy Kindler]

Like an oven in the other thing. And thanks for having me, sir. Great to see you. Hello.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nice to see you.

[Andy Kindler]

The young lady.

[Teresa Strasser]

Very well, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Andy Kindler, by the way dot com, that is K-I-N--L-E-R dot com is where you go to find him. And you can check him out on Twitter. Currently, judge on last comic standing, who do they got hosting that? Said Bellamy. Still hosting that. No. Who did that?

[Andy Kindler]

No, not Bellamy.

[Teresa Strasser]

They have to swap out the host every year.

[Andy Kindler]

They swap out the host every year. Ant is not involved. That's all I want to say right off the top for those people. That fan is not involved. It's like, it's like Doc is not here. That fan is not here. It's Craig Robinson from the.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's funny.

[Andy Kindler]

He is very funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I saw. I remember one seeing the year where they had the guy from like. Yes, dear.

[Teresa Strasser]

That southern guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

Anthony Clark.

[Teresa Strasser]

He seemed intoxicated.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a very sad testimonial. I do not know the man.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at me.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at this situation. And he's like a ventriloquist dummy sitting up there.

[Andy Kindler]

I mean, have you ever had anybody who was that far from the ground

[Adam Carolla]

with my legs and my daughter. Yeah, yeah. So when Anthony Clark hosted the show, I didn't know much about Anthony Clark. And again, this was a very sad testimonial where I saw him. You know, when you host the last comic standing, you get up there and you do five minutes of comedy and then you start the show. And I felt like he had a little speech impediment. Maybe he was coming off the Vicodin. He seemed uncomfortable. And I remember just watching it and saying, saying, this is why you don't let non stand ups host these shows. This guy's an actor. He's used to, you know, cut. Try it again. Right to A four camera situation and someone writing the material, blah, blah, blah. You need a comedian hosting these shows. Otherwise this poor guy, he's a fish out of water.

[Andy Kindler]

How's he gonna be able to keep up?

[Adam Carolla]

And then somebody explained to me he started off as a stand up comedian and has been doing stand up for like 18 years. And I was like, what?

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. That just shows that either his delivery is so subtle or something's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Something may have been going on.

[Andy Kindler]

Jay Moore was the. Did you remember when he hosted the show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

Who will decide? You will decide who will be the next comic standing.

[Adam Carolla]

They've had a few hosts over the years. I think Robinson's gonna be the best. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Greg Geraldo is one of the Jones judges.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love him.

[Andy Kindler]

You know him from the Roast, Natasha Leggero and myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Greg. Yeah, Geraldo's very funny. So it's a reboot.

[Andy Kindler]

It's a new show for those people who have turned away from the show. Where?

[Adam Carolla]

America.

[Andy Kindler]

Although those American, as my mother calls it. Everybody has talent.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Andy Kindler]

She says, no, mom, it's not everybody has talent.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's like, here's the thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thing.

[Adam Carolla]

If it was called everyone's Everybody's Got Talent.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She wouldn't call it that. No. There you hit a certain age where you have to up everything. Did you see Sinfield? That show is funny as heck. And it's like Seinfeld. Like, you can't. You can't pronounce anyone's name. You can't do the thing. I would do the same thing. Like, is your show with the puppets still on the Comedy Network? Yes. Comedy Central. No, it's called Crank Gankers. Like, why?

[Andy Kindler]

Well, you know, my mom, I did a radio tour to promote the show, and I happened to be staying with my parents, and so for two hours, they just sat there in the room with me and watched me do a radio. Just on the phone doing. My mother couldn't. My mom couldn't get the concept down. Well, you're on the radio. I don't understand. Are you? Like, I had to have headphones and there had to be a studio or a radio there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Phil Hart, you know, unfrozen, caveman, attorney, like, lawyer thing. Like, it's like that bit with our parents, except for they're not 273 years old. They're old, but they should understand the concept of like, you talk.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How can you shift into that?

[Andy Kindler]

Does that mean we're going to shift into that?

[Teresa Strasser]

I was wondering.

[Andy Kindler]

I don't want to shift into that when I'm older.

[Adam Carolla]

I know my dad climbed into my car a year ago, sat in the passenger seat and spray spent 20 minutes trying to find the fucking seatbelt. Oh great. And I was like, dad, I'll give you a clue. It's probably somewhere over your right shoulder. Do not. You've opened the console. You're feeling around on the floor. It's an 07 Audi. It's probably somewhere in this vicinity around your right ear somewhere.

[Andy Kindler]

My mom has trouble operating the coffee makers, which is maybe more complicated, complex, because that requires opening a thing. Right. Adjusting the filter.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Her own coffee maker though, because you should be able to dial in your own, right?

[Andy Kindler]

No, it's her own coffee.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, also the, the, the window. She can't see the window. And I have to say, whoever makes it, there is a problem with the window because you can't tell how much water. Can't tell how much water. She uses the carafe, but sometimes she goes rough.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, and by the way, as far as the craft go get, get the thermos one. That's a nice tip. Keeps everything hot and you know, you don't have to heat it and burn the bottom of it. And then that thing that freaks you out where about after four years when you run it under the cold water and it basically explodes in front of you. You'll, you'll, you'll never have to relive that heartache.

[Andy Kindler]

Did you ever have a cup? Did you ever have a cup of coffee until you were 30? That was decent. This, in America there used to be, remember the bun Maddox? You go into a diner and right. They, it took them so long to solve that problem. You thought it would be.

[Adam Carolla]

My fucking family is so goddamn pathetic that they would do the freeze dried Sanko. And it was like first off, the idea. And my family would do this all the time because they were poor, but they were mostly downtrodden. Like you don't realize it's not really about the actual, actual money. It's really about the mindset.

[Andy Kindler]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you think about it, and we do it a lot. I just heard a commercial today for Feed the Children and it was essentially saying at school the kids have programs. You know, they have their, you know, they get the tickets for the breakfast and the lunch and they get all the hot meals. You know, if they're underprivileged. Yeah. But now that it's summer vacation, who's gonna feed them? And it's like, look, you can go to the Mexican market You can buy a sack of beans for 40 cents and you can buy a sack of rice for 50 cents and you can throw it in with a couple of beef bullions and cubes and make a tub of. That will last you and your kid for a week.

[Andy Kindler]

Was this. This was not your public service announcement for the feed the children.

[Adam Carolla]

I really, I would like to say this is Adam Carolla for feed your own kids. And if you can't handle the. That simple, very basic rudimentary task, they should be taken away. I mean, I. Yes, I could give you. And then they do that thing where they go for only 40 cents a day. That's my point.

[Teresa Strasser]

You have.

[Adam Carolla]

For only 40 cents a day, you could feed your fucking kids.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

I think they mean they pool all the money and they get the price down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's where I went with it. The point is this. If you can't fulfill that very simple necessity, you should have your kids taken away. Now, what the Corollas would do once a year when we got together for dinner at grandma's house, Grandpa would cook the Hungarian food. And then at some point, there'd be six people sitting around a table and the call would go out, who wants coffee? Because there's a piece of coffee cake that's been in the freezer since the Johnson administration with third degree freezer burn that's going to come out and get thawed. And some of us may want some coffee. And it's. My hand would go up, I would like some coffee. And then at some point, my sister's hand would go up. You know, I would like some coffee as well. We're in our 20s or something at the time, so we want some coffee. And then my grandmother or mom would say, well, if it's just two people, we're going with the Sanka and I. Then. Now here's where you. Now you're on the floor of Congress where I'm saying to my stepdad, have some coffee, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you need another boat.

[Andy Kindler]

It's a quorum.

[Adam Carolla]

I got some pork barrel. What's your trash? We can gerrymander this Sanka district here where you could just John racing. But I don't want any. Yeah, I'll drink your coffee. Just raise your hand because we can get three people's hands up. We can get some coffee. And the thing, the whole thing is. Is what? Sanka. Get a kettle, fill it, boil it, which takes 20 minutes, right? Spoon it out into the cup, and then dump said boiling water and cup and Stir. How much different on the calorie burn o meter is that than dump coffee into Krupp's thing and fill from carafe and then hit start like that. What is the big difference?

[Andy Kindler]

The caffeine. You see people. And this is where I know that my friends are getting old. When I hear all my friends all the time go, oh, it's 8 o'.

[Adam Carolla]

Clock.

[Andy Kindler]

I can't. Yeah, I can't have a cup right now. These are people that we did whippets in college, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? Right?

[Andy Kindler]

It's like at what point? You know, when I was in college, we used to do a take six their week. That's. That's what I did in school. And now people are worried about caffeination,

[Adam Carolla]

huffing copier toner and quick stuff. And now these guys can't have a coffee Mimio grab. That's how old I am.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I imagine that the price of coffee has gone up incrementally. It didn't suddenly become really expensive yet. I notice I do have to warn my dad because I know he'll freak out at how much the coffee is gonna be. And I'll say, dad, this is really good coffee. It's gonna be 250. Just so you know. Oh, you can't spend that on me. Don't spend that on me. That's too much. That's too much. It's too much. Too much for coffee. Dad, it's $2. Yeah, I think I can handle it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's so much. Why is it so much?

[Andy Kindler]

Whatever happened to Alex a gente Anybody? Okay,

[Adam Carolla]

now, Juan Valdez. Yeah, go back.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I know him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it is weird. I mean now. So then once you get that cheapness like beat into you, it's really hard to ever. I just got back from New York. The Klondike people put me up there to go on some press junkie.

[Andy Kindler]

The Klondike bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Bar, yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Wow, that's a nice. They make a nice bar, don't.

[Teresa Strasser]

I do love the Klondike.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sugar free, 100 calories.

[Adam Carolla]

A little, little rich for the Corolla blood. We had the Hydrox bar, but, but, but they put me up at the Four Seasons and they did that thing where they didn't ask for my credit card like they, they usually they pay your way, but then they go, go, we need a credit card for incidental. In which case I don't even look at the mini bar. But in this case they didn't. Now before I left My wife Lynette said, you're taking your suit, you're shoving in the bottom of your suitcase. You're gonna have to have it pressed when you get to the hotel. And I was like, four Seasons, that's got to be $22. You know, like I'll hang it up in the shower with. It gets wet, but it'll dry off before I have to wear it for the time first photo shoot, blah, blah, blah. But all of a sudden, I was sitting in my room and I got a call from Alex, the gay publicist. And he said, you're wearing your suit tomorrow for the photo, whatever. I said, yeah. He said, have the laundry service press it. And I was like. I was back in the kitchen. I was nine years old. My mom was reaching for the Sanka. And I was like, what?

[Brian Bishop]

What's the kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

What? And he said, and have your shoes polished too. They do that. How does it work? They just come and put your shoes by the door, hanging on the. Jed picks it up and drops it off. And I'm like, no, no, I dare not dream. I'll do the shirt, I'll do the slack. I'm not gonna do the jacket. That's crazy. That's insanity. And I just thought, I'm having this sort of cheap off wrestling. Meanwhile, they've given me thousands of dollars. They flown me out first class. They put me up up the Four season.

[Andy Kindler]

Who books this?

[Adam Carolla]

This is like Klondike.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm ready to get on this bandwagon.

[Adam Carolla]

And I realize they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this campaign. But yet somehow. And I'm thinking I'm gonna get in trouble. Like if they find out, I'm gonna get pulled aside by one of the Klondike representatives.

[Andy Kindler]

What were you thinking? We, of course, we don't take. We don't expect you to bring your own food to the room. Are you an ingrate?

[Adam Carolla]

We spoke to one of the people from the Four Seasons. Evidently someone took a can of large cashews. Was that. Please tell me someone broke in and did that. Please tell me that wasn't our $8. And like, I have these thoughts of losing sleep. I opened the can, I eat half of it and then hide it my. In my. I don't want the maid to throw it away.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah, she might think it's garbage.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't have a snap cover, but I got to keep it covered. So I put it in my suitcase and put a shirt over over it so she won't discover it. So I want to kill my parents. They were from the depressed. They were depressed. They were depressed.

[Teresa Strasser]

But some of that Sanka mindset has soaked into you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sad. I've been soaked with Sanka.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

I never saw Sanka as a cost saving measure. I always thought it was. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's the. But see, this is the point. You don't save money and you don't save time. You just get a vastly inferior product for people who don't deserve better. That's what it is. Frozen Sanka with freezer burn in there for nine years. But like I said, by the time you're done scooping and stirring and boiling and getting. It's more trouble than making. Making coffee. Like I just want to scream at my adult parents. I make a pot of coffee every goddamn morning and don't think twice about it.

[Andy Kindler]

Just shove it in their face.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, right?

[Andy Kindler]

I'm pouring coffee in the plants, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not after eight, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I like my cigar with coffee.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's nothing to me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we got the news. We got a couple calls. I don't know. Do you want to take a call?

[Andy Kindler]

How could it hurt? That's what I always say on my Jewish call line.

[Adam Carolla]

How could it hurt my head for a week? Hey, Mike.

[Andy Kindler]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Mike, what's up? Hey, how's it going? What's going on? Nothing. I'm watching the Celtics and the Lakers. Hey, hey, hey.

[Andy Kindler]

Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

La la la la.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't take you for a basketball fan.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm a basketball fan. And, And I'm a Knicks fan, so I have to.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason why you don't take him for basketball fans because when he sits on sofa's feet are three feet off

[Andy Kindler]

the ground, half inch shorter than Spud Web. That's where I went wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just focused on the hoops.

[Teresa Strasser]

What about Bugsy Bogues?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry, Mike, go ahead. Mike, I mentioned the score. Hey guys, it's great to talk to you. I was on a couple days ago for the hobo stink thing and I told you about the dead girl in the apartment. Yeah. So I figured to it later that night. Keep going. Speaking of which, I figured I should follow it up with another a beat off story slash question.

[Andy Kindler]

Which was a beat off story in phrase as a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay, goodbye.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically, yeah, you guys talked about. I can't remember who it was with, but just a few days ago you talked about the sleep porn.

[Teresa Strasser]

Napping porn. Yeah. Was that with Bobby Lee, probably, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This type of porn, it's a fetish.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a very specific type of porn where men have sex with women who are napping.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, that's wrong. Now, my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't wait for my wife to

[Andy Kindler]

doze off in the afternoon. Oh, I'm the bad as Carlos Mancia was like, I'm the bad guy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's one of the few perks of having a small cock, not waking up the vic. I mean, the white. I mean, the young lady when you're

[Andy Kindler]

having sex doesn't want to be awakened from the nap. How does it work?

[Adam Carolla]

Hard to tell.

[Teresa Strasser]

I've yet to see any nap porn.

[Adam Carolla]

And when did Bobby Lee become so straight? I was.

[Teresa Strasser]

You thought he was gay?

[Andy Kindler]

Ask your gay publicist. Is your gay publicist promote themselves as a gay publicist?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's gay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it's kind of redundant in some

[Adam Carolla]

ways, and it is. Yeah. Yeah. So, Mike, what's your question? Nothing, I. Well, I hate to. I hate to bring it back to. All right, listen, I'm hanging up on you. Well, listen, if you don't have a question, then don't call up. Hey, John, your question, please. How we doing tonight, man? Get it on. Doing great. Thank you. Hey, well, I got a question. I am, from the butt of all your jokes. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah. And I'm just wondering. I'm planning on coming down to the show in Chicago next Friday evening, and I just want to know what's the format gonna be like? I mean, I know I've been listening to some of the podcasts you've been doing back around the Los Angeles area, and I noticed that, you know, with this big Laughs Out Loud comedy festival, I've noticed so many, like, your buddies and stuff, are gonna be in town. So I didn't know if you had any, like, collaboration ideas going on or if you're just gonna do, you know, the continued format of what you got going on right now. Well, as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. So it ain't broke, and we ain't planning on fix it. Plus, we're really too lazy to fix it. Fair enough. Yeah. But Donnie will be there, I'll be there. We'll be doing a lot of improvised stuff. We'll bring all the slides, all the pictures, and all the tapes, and we sort of figure it out, you know, as we go. We have a lot of stuff to choose from, and we'll figure out what stories we tell or don't tell. But, yeah, more of the same.

[Andy Kindler]

There'll be a deep dish element.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, I'm gonna cater that for a. There's gonna be. I. I'm gonna do 45 minutes on Geno's east.

[Andy Kindler]

What's next? Geno's west. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're gonna be there? Are you gonna be there, John? I'm really gonna try to get down there right now. It's a matter of whether or not my girlfriend's working late, so I'm hoping we're gonna be able to just swing down there real fast.

[Andy Kindler]

Sounds like one of my fans. I don't know if I get a

[Josh Wolf]

nap in the after.

[Andy Kindler]

If I feel good.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't been feeling very good. I'm gonna do my. But I'm gonna try. Gotta see which way the wind is blowing. We don't want to commit to anything.

[Teresa Strasser]

I like his accent. I always associate that midwestern accent with niceness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that or school killings.

[Teresa Strasser]

One or the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Either way.

[Andy Kindler]

Or it's Jim Belushi. You know what I'm saying? Who died, made him such a big star? I've been using that joke for 12 years now.

[Adam Carolla]

Who do you not think is funny? No, no, I'm good.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm better than I used to. I used to be a lot. Nobody, you know, I was. People thought. I didn't think anybody was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you?

[Andy Kindler]

I like Carrot Top.

[Adam Carolla]

I enjoyed Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah. Was it Whoopi Goldberg you had some issues with?

[Andy Kindler]

I just offered a million dollars for footage of Whoopi Goldberg being funny. That's all.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you have not had to pay it.

[Andy Kindler]

I have not.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you big.

[Andy Kindler]

Are you a big Whoopi Goldberg fan all of a sudden?

[Adam Carolla]

You look very horrible.

[Andy Kindler]

I know you love the View.

[Josh Wolf]

I know you.

[Andy Kindler]

You and I are both big fans of the View.

[Adam Carolla]

It's horrible.

[Andy Kindler]

Horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, as it's an attack to people that are in the business, because it's seeing a bunch of horribly unfunny people get together, and then it's like monkeys raping a football. That's what it looks like to me. I mean, it's. It's horrible. It's like, you know, have you seen YouTube? It's so good.

[Andy Kindler]

They have YouTube backstage. What's going on?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Andy Kindler]

What happened? Happens before they come out the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, here's the. Here's the whole thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's better than Nat porn.

[Adam Carolla]

She. Whoopi Goldberg. I'm. I'm gonna give her a pass because I'm assuming she's detoxing or something. I'm assuming this is part of her methadone of her program. She's on some sort of methadone drip or tea or something. I've seen her stumble through that. I mean, I watch that show just to marvel at how bad everyone on that show.

[Andy Kindler]

She's my favorite on that show.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the thing that Barbara Walters is horrific. Sherri shepherd is one of the least funny women I've ever met. And that's saying a lot. I mean.

[Andy Kindler]

I mean, I'm laughing. I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not at.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, well, she has a show.

[Adam Carolla]

She has a sitkin.

[Andy Kindler]

She spun it off with the sitcom.

[Adam Carolla]

Joy Behar is easily the funniest on that show. And she's not a. She's borscht belt sort of at best.

[Teresa Strasser]

And she has a writer.

[Adam Carolla]

And she has a writer in his 90s. And it's not funny. It's just. And Whoopi Goldberg, like, literally stumbles and fumbles through, like. And she's sitting up there and her hair's in front of her face and she's wearing those smoked lenses, and she's like.

[Andy Kindler]

I mean, Rosie was great. You must have enjoyed Rosie on the show because at least she brought a little Zets.

[Adam Carolla]

She was funny. She was provocative. She was intriguing. She started. She rubbed people the wrong way. She got into it and all that kind of stuff. And. And I. Look, I don't. It's weird because I don't mind Hasselbeck because she's not a comedian, and she just sort of does her job. I don't mind the do your job people. I don't like the fact that Sherry and Whoopi sort of are billed. And. And for. For that matter, Joy are billed as comedians. I mean, look, let's put it this way. Let's put it this way.

[Andy Kindler]

They probably twisted.

[Adam Carolla]

You take Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri shepherd and put them into some sort of comic centrifuge or something where we separate the funny from the mass. You wouldn't get one fucking drop out of those three put together in a comedy Cuisinart. You couldn't squeeze a drop. You put them into a comedy juicer. Nothing. There'd be one drop in that fucking cup. And listen, if you guys don't like it, prove me wrong by saying something funny on your show once, and I'll retract my statement.

[Allison Rosen]

You know,

[Adam Carolla]

remember the mail? $2 million a year to do what

[Andy Kindler]

is that much they get. That's a lot of money.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if they're paying Sherri shepherd anything over 20 grand a year. They are fucking throwing money out the window.

[Andy Kindler]

Remember the male version?

[Adam Carolla]

And she's dumb. She is fucking dumb.

[Andy Kindler]

She did well, I think maybe you're referring to the fact that you did think the world. World was flat.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

For 20.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you add Barbara Walters into the mix. Barbara is, I would say, Pastor prime, although I'm not sure that she had a prime. She's past her whatever. It's not a prime. She sits there, she tells long winded stories about going out to dinner. I was at the Tavern of the on the Green with Regis Philbin. He started with a shrimp cocktail. Tell me more size. It's like. Oh, shut the.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is there horseradish in it?

[Adam Carolla]

The old hag.

[Andy Kindler]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Greatest story I have ever heard. Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

I love that she says, though, that she. This is my last Oscar special. No more am I doing that long explanation. Who's wondering how. Just stop doing them.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my.

[Andy Kindler]

Are you serious? That thing I've never watched after the Oscars is going away.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen. Said it many, many times about the View, pure and simple. I know, I just sound like a jealous white male here. If you took five white guys and you put them at that table, someone would go, who the are these guys? They're not funny at all. And we're pulling the plug on this piece of. Before it goes, they did do some version of. Yeah, the other.

[Teresa Strasser]

I want to say Mario.

[Adam Carolla]

The other half. The other.

[Andy Kindler]

The other half. The good half. The good hat.

[Brian Bishop]

Dick Clark and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Lopez.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Wasn't Dr. Drew on it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was something else. But it was Bonaduce and yeah, they had a doctor. Oh, they had the doctor. Well, the doctor was on. Was Michael Jackson's doctor.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Was it Mario Lopez?

[Adam Carolla]

He wasn't. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Maybe it was Kanye West's mom's doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was like that guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that guy. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Confused. My black doctors.

[Teresa Strasser]

There are more than two.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow. Including Dr. Huxtable.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's three.

[Adam Carolla]

That's three. Jesus. All right, so here's the point. They're horrible. And Whoopi Goldberg is not funny and she used to be talented, and now I just think she's not funny.

[Andy Kindler]

But what, doesn't that picture say it all there?

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at.

[Andy Kindler]

Look at the show that has a table, that has a wing. What's that called?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a wing. Yeah. And it just says the View.

[Andy Kindler]

Join us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so. So everything about the View is good, except for Barbara Walters, Sherri Shepherd, Whoopi Goldberg, mostly Joy Behar. And if they could just get rid of that element.

[Andy Kindler]

And the producer.

[Adam Carolla]

The producer, yeah, it's horrible.

[Andy Kindler]

I love when they have topics. They call them hot topics. They have to name the segments.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I just love to see Whoopi fumble through the teleprompter like and out of Reno. And the fact. The slap. What's going on? You know, Fucking horrible what happened.

[Andy Kindler]

Maybe they should edit it. Teresa, what do you think?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it's live.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Teresa Strasser]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're all confused and they all talk over each other. And then Barbara Walters is like, sort of like talking to your grandmother on a speakerphone from a hospital bed. Like, just can't fucking. Okay, honey. Okay. And then you put the kids on. Are they there? Tell them they're on. Doesn't understand what Sherry's saying. She's sitting next door. Look, I know I sound like a bitter dick, but they're all rich and the show's going into its 15th year and it's horrible. Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yet the housewives must be loving it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I, I, I, I say four housewives. I say, this is what, this is why chicks are evil. They keep the shit going. There's no way men would turn on their own immediately and say, get these ass wipes off.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, there's no man. There's not a man watching right there. Not one man.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to be brain dead and distracted by toddlers in order to even tolerate this in the background while you have a pancake batter mixer going. Cuz otherwise if you sit and watch the View, it's horrific.

[Andy Kindler]

And let's get him going now on Sex in the City too.

[Adam Carolla]

I liked it shot. He turned on a night opening.

[Josh Wolf]

Did you like.

[Andy Kindler]

Did they really say Lawrence of my Labia? Is that.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you were high as a kite, so. Did you laugh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. But they used it. They're wildly creative in the writing. When she walked into like the Sultan of Brunei's palace, she said, ladies, it looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.

[Andy Kindler]

Also an Avatar too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's like, shut up. Stop it with the can.

[Josh Wolf]

Kansas.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, it's not right to take other people's writings from other movies and then insert them into your movie.

[Teresa Strasser]

Maybe the first time.

[Andy Kindler]

That's what convinced me not to go see Avatar. Someone said that's actually, that's in the movie. We're not in Kansas anymore. How can you not be sued for writing that line?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't Know, I really don't know.

[Andy Kindler]

How about the people in Kansas?

[Adam Carolla]

How come that. My wish is that if a marauding horde of flying monkeys land on the head of the writer that writes that inserts of the movie and drags him off off they'll catch.

[Andy Kindler]

What kind of a bird is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what they're flying monkeys?

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

From the wizard of Oz.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my reference.

[Andy Kindler]

That's a real story is about from there. One of the guys just died.

[Josh Wolf]

The.

[Andy Kindler]

The mayor of Lollipop Land. No, we're the Lollipop Guild. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Buried at Sea.

[Andy Kindler]

You kids don't know the classics.

[Adam Carolla]

He's buried at sea using a wrist rocket.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm not sure what that means. I mean, everything with you is the edges.

[Adam Carolla]

They come onto the edges. Pier. And they launched him toward. Toward the Indian Ocean.

[Andy Kindler]

That was my nickname in junior high school, though, was Wrist Rocket.

[Teresa Strasser]

They used to call you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because I was so fast with my hands on myself. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Anybody? Okay, where is the live audience?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't see.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. T Bone.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we do a little. Yeah, how about that?

[Commercial Voice]

From the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Theresa Strasser.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, we were talking about specialty porn, fetish porn, niche porn. And we've talked before about parody porn. It's kind of a new thing where they take a television show and they make it a porn. They did the Brady Bunch and Happy Days. Well, now they've done I like the

[Adam Carolla]

Police Squad stuff because it's a parody on parody. Boy, you know what I mean? Pretty soon they'll be parodying parody porn. Right? Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

They've now done Golden Girls xxx. Yeah. Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia.

[Adam Carolla]

I have that next.

[Andy Kindler]

Got that. Need it.

[Adam Carolla]

Got it. Need it, got it.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you know, it's after the untimely passing of Rue McClanahan.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

This is untimely for those.

[Brian Bishop]

It was timely.

[Teresa Strasser]

Some say it was timely.

[Andy Kindler]

That's gonna affect the fans. Okay, well, this.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, now, I thought they have like,

[Adam Carolla]

friends and stuff, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. And I think they. They did something very clever. Which is. I'm told a lot of this takes place in flashback. So then they aren't that old.

[Adam Carolla]

That's smart. That is smart.

[Commercial Voice]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

A young be author, you're saying it's gotta be. Is she in that show or am

[Adam Carolla]

I confusing the show?

[Teresa Strasser]

That's fair.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got to be really confusing. Well, I'm Designing Women is what I'm waiting for.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I'm a Meshach Taylor fan.

[Teresa Strasser]

I swear I saw this Ain't Saved by the Bell. Porn. The porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this has to be extra confusing and more humiliating for the parents of the porn star, which is to say. Yeah, she was in a show. Friends. Oh, yeah, NBC.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it. What part did she. This one was a lower budget. They shot it on Friends at NBC.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was that the one with Anthony Clark?

[Andy Kindler]

The one with.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Oh, this is more of a spoof of that, where she was 30 Rock.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a good show.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like 3115 just got come.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait, this is what.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry, let's move on. Can we finish online?

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay. In an odd twist of fate, it was recently my birthday and a friend of mine came out to meet us for drinks, and she said, you guys will never believe this. And I can't tell you the name of the person because they have to keep it a secret. Although you've both met her, Brian and Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

She.

[Teresa Strasser]

Some friends of hers were musicians and they were asked to do the theme song, to submit it. And so she is a good singing voice. So they just said, would you mind just laying this down so we can submit it? A scratch track. And the things move very quickly in porn. And they liked it and they used it. And already she's been nominated for an AVN for her theme song. Yeah. So shall we take a listen?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. So she, like a Grammy. A porn Grammy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Finally remade.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is not the Golden Girls theme.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he does. We're gonna hear this entire song. Did you see Taboo?

[Teresa Strasser]

Taboo is a porn where a guy has sex with his mom.

[Adam Carolla]

I love this slide. Oh, yes, he does. That's great.

[Brian Bishop]

R. Andy's impressed and disgusted.

[Teresa Strasser]

Andy, we're not in Kansas.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm delighted. That's right. Here's the part where it shifts. I like this part.

[Teresa Strasser]

Maybe you did, but you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to do it all the way through. He only reveals what he wants you to see and then show it and then show it all. And when he does, he satisfies me.

[Josh Wolf]

He's bony.

[Adam Carolla]

A sister.

[Brian Bishop]

I see.

[Adam Carolla]

And his smile.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

That's why the music kind of belies the underlying message.

[Adam Carolla]

Ko 2 sends a dangerous message that almost all porn does where there's a scene where his girlfriend, his hot girlfriend is going down on his hot sister. Like they're having that little high school lesbian. Right?

[Andy Kindler]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point, he does a thing where it's like you go down on her, she'll close her eyes and lean her head back I'll tap on your shoulder, I'll slide in, start doing it. She won't notice that we swapped out. And then at a certain point, here's where the dangerous message comes in. She'll open her eyes, notice it. It's me. Initially recoil because her brother's performing oral sex on her, but then do that. Oh, it's so good. I don't feel like my sister would have that reaction. Like, I don't feel like they'd be like, adam, wait a minute. All right. Yeah, that's the ticket. I don't think. I don't think that would happen. I think they're. I think the disdain would run all the way through Thanksgiving. You know what I mean?

[Andy Kindler]

Like, there's a fantasy world in there. They're entering a fantasy world where that would. Where it would be like a twist at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So your friend.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

As a favor.

[Adam Carolla]

Late in a scratch track.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

What do you mean, as a favor?

[Teresa Strasser]

And within friends who are musicians, they wrote the song and they needed a vocalist.

[Andy Kindler]

And, you know, I do a lot of pro bono work myself.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, this. This girl who is not in any way associated with porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Nominated.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nominated for an avn. And I think she used, like, a fake porn name.

[Adam Carolla]

She said Indian to accept it if. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Very Brando.

[Matt Achity]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Would you like to hear?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like it? Yeah, sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm just so happy that you're you there's so much of you inside of me wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Phil Spector broke out his wall of sound.

[Andy Kindler]

He's still working.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time your door unlocks I'll be standing there with my big box Waiting

[Teresa Strasser]

for my chance to blow you away

[Andy Kindler]

Double entendre.

[Adam Carolla]

A bunch of hot chicks and gray wigs is not a great plan.

[Andy Kindler]

That's exactly my plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantasy Picture, Sicily, 1962. Wow.

[Andy Kindler]

That's had a lot of levels to it. I was a little weepy from that.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say this.

[Brian Bishop]

I hope she wins.

[Adam Carolla]

The great thing about porn, like, I understand they used to fake porn names for all the actors and actresses, but if you hang around long enough and you watch the credits, the gaffer will be Dick Nibbler. And the best boy will be Harry Seward. It's like, really, at that point, just don't put any name. Yeah, right. Yeah, I want to work with that guy. Or nobody works a lighting grid like that. No one holds a boom mic like Harry Seward. That guy's awesome. Like, really? Do we really need to use all fucking fake names and maybe. Why not? You're just holding the mic in A. In a porn at this. Your parents could find out about that, couldn't they?

[Teresa Strasser]

Just singing a theme song.

[Andy Kindler]

He had other.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That was. That was Tinny.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was no taboo, too, you think

[Teresa Strasser]

it was more like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, certainly. No. Gotta get it on. There's. There's Gotta get it on as well. I mean, and this is where they rock. You know what I mean? He's got it all. That's just sort of.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's gotta get it on from the. The ship. Ship porn. What's that one called?

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Sex Boat.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Andy Kindler]

How would that ever make you want to get it on? Get it on

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta get it on well, that's the whole song anyway.

[Andy Kindler]

Are these people really related or is it just for the purpose?

[Adam Carolla]

I like to think they're really related.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't break the illusion.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, it is the special collector's edition. I was worried about that because the original one never had the deleted scenes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Sorry, T Bone. You have.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do we have time for another story?

[Adam Carolla]

One more story?

[Andy Kindler]

Come on, T. I like T Bone. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta get it on Gotta get it on Gotta get it on Gotta get it on Gotta get it.

[Andy Kindler]

They use, like, two notes for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Still better than your friends.

[Teresa Strasser]

Cnn com is asking, could you be infected by a friend's divorce? Apparently, according to a new study, divorce is contagious in social networks. This idea is based on the theory of social contagion, or the spread of behavior or emotion through a group. In this case, the heated feelings and actions of one person's divorce can be transferred like a virus. Case in point, the Gores got divorced. One of the daughters then got divorced, and their other daughter, I think, got divorced a year ago. So apparently this effect holds true for siblings.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's probably the same with coming out of the closet. Like, you know, if you had a gay brother was kind of sitting on it and he didn't want to freak dad out or whatever, but you were gay, too, and he decided to drop it on dad, now would be a good time. You know what I mean? While the gay door was open. Yeah, yeah, slide that in. Maybe this is part of. Definitely comes up the conversation. It's also like, well, if they could do it, anyone could do it, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Or you kind of. They walk through it before you. So maybe you see, it's not that bad. Your life isn't that devastated. You move on with your life. If you have a friend who got divorced, your chances of getting a divorce are 147% more likely.

[Andy Kindler]

But isn't it most? A lot.

[Adam Carolla]

But everyone divorced don't have a friend who got divorced. You're either in your teens or you don't have friends.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I imagine it's in your close circle and your close knit. You know, your group of couple friends. If one of them got divorced, you'd be 147 times more likely to get divorced. If a sibling got divorced, it would have a similar effect.

[Andy Kindler]

Let's all stay together, people, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

We don't want to start this.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, according to the researchers, people begin to work up to the idea of divorce when they see their friends, family, or co workers going through the process.

[Andy Kindler]

They get the idea, oh, I don't have to be with that person for the rest of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

How malleable do you have to be, though? I mean, like, as a. As an adult, like, how soft does your brain have to be to go, yeah. Huh.

[Andy Kindler]

Let me take a look at those divorce papers.

[Adam Carolla]

We were getting along just fine, but I turned on CNN and saw the Gores did it. And you know, I'm a huge fan of his and Tipper's awesome as well. And, you know, when in Rome, like, I mean, really, is it like Madonna's has a new handbag, so I got to get that one, too. Except for in our relationships, it is insane, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it kind of makes you think about how much your social group impacts the things you do.

[Andy Kindler]

That's why I'm a loner.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, right, because you don't want to be contaminated.

[Adam Carolla]

Although my peeing in the sink evidently did not catch on among my peers.

[Andy Kindler]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a sad moment tonight. Was wrestling with my daughter. Is quickly turning against me. She wants nothing. You know, Daddy gives her kiss and she wipes it off, cooties and all that kind of stuff. And she was playing around the park all day. And Mommy took her sandals off and said, before you wrestle, Daddy gonna need you to take your sandals off. Gonna wash your feet off, and then we'll bring you back if your feet are filled with sand and God knows what from the playground, we're gonna wash your feet off, and then you and daddy can wrestle on the bed. Comes back from my bathroom a few moments later. Did you wash your feet? No. Why not? Well, I tried to wash them in the sink, but she said she didn't want to wash them where Daddy went. Pee, pee.

[Andy Kindler]

See how it all comes around? This is the type of thing you don't anticipate. When I have first. First would pee on my.

[Adam Carolla]

Perhaps Daddy peed on Your feet. It would clean some of the sand off it.

[Teresa Strasser]

It is antiseptic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Andy Kindler]

If not, if nothing else.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, you could wash your mouth out with soap. Or we could use something a little more effective.

[Andy Kindler]

Sorry, I don't know that. That story may have turned a little ugly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's depressing.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know.

[Andy Kindler]

Who's saying that? A scientist or somebody on it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, these two researchers. Dr. Vinny Bullman butts a couple researchers who actually wrote a book called Connected. They've previously researched how drinking, obesity and other social behaviors can be contagious. And I think I remember reading that suicide triangulates. Like if there's a suicide in one

[Adam Carolla]

community or school, smoking to having another piece of pizza, all is interwoven to wherever you are and whoever you're with. Right. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I would say when. Before I was married, I had a social group and a lot of us were unmarried. We were group of gals. And on New Year's Eve we would do things like get together and

[Allison Rosen]

burn

[Teresa Strasser]

a prosperity candle and shit like that. Yeah, it was very depressing. And then I realized this friend group

[Adam Carolla]

euphemism for strap on.

[Teresa Strasser]

No. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You want to burn the prosperity candle tonight? I'm sore.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is still chafing from the. I think I got a yeast infection from the last prosperity.

[Teresa Strasser]

I would friend down.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but I'll wear the candle.

[Teresa Strasser]

I would friend down because people who were successful intimidated me and I just thought they would reject me or I wouldn't have anything to talk about with them.

[Adam Carolla]

Now is friend down at euphemism.

[Andy Kindler]

How many people got together on this with the prosperity?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, they. It was so depressing that we'd burnt. We'd write things. We wish for the new Year and burn it in a cauldron.

[Andy Kindler]

See, I thought drinking cold duck and like, you know, packaged salami was a bad move.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, Pathetic.

[Teresa Strasser]

When I got engaged, they kind of rejected me. And then I realized, oh, maybe you're

[Adam Carolla]

not what you've achieved. Maybe. Yeah, you're not one of them anymore.

[Teresa Strasser]

Make some different friends. But I do feel like when you hang around people who are smart and successful, maybe they're above you. That it's kind of inspiring and, you know.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

We have.

[Andy Kindler]

I have an Algonquin table right where you sit around.

[Teresa Strasser]

You and Dorothy Parker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

And Natasha Leggero.

[Adam Carolla]

I Great references. I will say very quickly that I hung around the same dicks in North Hollywood for my entire adult life. And at a certain point. I said, fuck this. And I went to Pasadena. I started training boxing. And some of my students were these successful guys. And one of them was Shelby Coffey the third. It was like the editor in chief of the Los Angeles Times. And all of a sudden I started hanging around with these, like, smart, educated guys. And they would like, tell me, like, there's no reason why you can't do this or do that. And it wasn't that, hey, man, life's a bitch and then you die. Crew I was hanging out with before, I sort of hang around with this sort of can do guys immediately. Life turned around immediately. Prosperity candle was Kindle Kindler. And that seems like a good spot to go out on so you guys can all kindle your prosperity candle. If in fact that's not a strap on. Andy Kindler, by the way, can be found on Twitter, currently on last comic Standing as we speak. NBC's Mondays. I should say 18pm Also, I should point out that you can get his dvd I Wish I was Bitter, which is out as we speak. You can get it where better DVDs are sold. And go to andykindler.com also want to say that you can go to itunes and download one of our more recent comedy tours. We went out, we told all the jokes, cut all the fat. Thank you. And you can buy it on itunes. It's cheap, it's funny, it's effective. It's all brand new stuff that we've never released. And again, if you'd like to help us and help us keep going over here. Like for instance, Mike Lynch. He spent a week sitting in his crappy apartment in North Hollywood going through all these tapes of all these live shows. I did separating the wheat from the tape and now we want to pay him back. Go to itunes, download it. We will help pay Mike that way. Thank you very much. Also, you can find us at the El Portal theater. Coming up, you can find us at Borderline on Friday night. El Portal Saturday. Still, tickets for the live shows and ah, yes, Mangrate. Our good friends over at Mangrate. What else can I say about these guys? Made in America. 100% cast iron, 25% off. Off. Great Father's Day special. Click on the [e-mail] and until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Brian and Andy Kindler and my good friend and dear, dear news girl Parisa Strasser saying Mahal.

[Podcast Narrator]

All right, that's Adam Krolla show 341 with Andy Kindler in studio from 2010. That does it for today's cruel classics. Huge congratulations to Adam Krola for getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Three of his most important radio partners were by his side. Jimmy Kimmel, Dr. Drew, and Joel McHale.

[Adam Carolla]

What? What?

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Podcast Narrator]

Yeah, Mikhail is a huge important part of the old Kayla Sex morning show. He was a weekly guest throughout 2007 and 2008. Most people don't really remember 2007 because of the bonaduce of it, but he was there every week busting Bonducci's balls, making Adam laugh like crazy, saying the stuff Adam wasn't allowed to say. And then throughout 2008, he was also a highlight. He'd come in because of the soup and he'd play clips. Always a good time. He's been on the podcast many times. He's always a delight. It was really cool to see all three of them together, along with Byron Allen. It was also on Adam's birthday. Pretty big deal. Congratulations to Ace man. Until next time, Mahalo and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

At first I didn't think it was real.

[Josh Wolf]

I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place, Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There is thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Josh Wolf]

Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Commercial Voice]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

At first I didn't think it was real.

[Josh Wolf]

I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place, Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice.

[Podcast Narrator]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Adam Carolla]

There is were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Josh Wolf]

Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Commercial Voice]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never.