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- [00:00]
A
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- [01:30]
A
Welcome to cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlighted highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one Plus. If you'd like to find the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat It Out. Make sure to check out Adam Carolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorolo.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Corolla show 309 featuring Anna David one on one from 2010. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on Joyce Butt to get it on Mandate. Get it on. And welcome to the podcast Anna David. Anna has a book out called Reality Matters. She's a writer, columnist, TV personality, contributing columnist to many periodicals, Playboy, LA Times, People, Us Weekly, things like that at New York Times. Details Cosmo Redbook. So you're a writer, baby?
- [02:31]
B
I am.
- [02:32]
A
You're a little too good looking for a writer.
- [02:34]
B
It's very nice of you to say. You know, writers tend to be like funny looking because we're, you know, trapped behind computers and things.
- [02:40]
A
Yeah.
- [02:41]
B
Which is, I think maybe. Well, thank you.
- [02:45]
A
You look like Angelina Joliet.
- [02:47]
B
That's a pretty generous assessment.
- [02:50]
A
Well, you know, you always round up.
- [02:52]
B
Yeah, that's better than saying you look like.
- [02:55]
A
Well, you could. You could. Fred Travelina. I don't know why I just picked a dude, but yeah, you want to round up? Or you can do what Jimmy Kimmel does with me, which is the most insulting of them all. He goes, you're like an ugly Pete Sampras, which no woman would ever do to another woman. But guys can do that to guys. He's like, that's the double slap in the face. It's like, okay, an ugly George Clooney, so be it. Ugly guy who's a seven, Right. What's that make me, like minus two. So no, you, you have a quality to you.
- [03:31]
B
Uh huh.
- [03:33]
A
That is. That is very Angelina Jolie esque.
- [03:36]
B
I've been around for 39 years. I have never heard someone say that to me. Doesn't mean they're not going to start now. I hope it's a trend that continues. You know what I'm getting lately? The chick from Glee. You know that show, she's really pretty. I'm totally into it. All that stuff.
- [03:51]
A
Yeah.
- [03:51]
B
But it's like the nose. It's the Juno's.
- [03:53]
A
Oh, do you have a Juno?
- [03:55]
B
Well, what's odd is only from one side. Look at this, look at this. See? Cute nose, right?
- [04:00]
A
Wow.
- [04:01]
B
It's kind of amazing.
- [04:02]
A
Wow.
- [04:03]
B
Dad's nose, Mom's nose.
- [04:05]
A
On either side of the same face.
- [04:06]
B
It's amazing.
- [04:08]
A
And yeah, I think I have the same nose from all sides. And I actually like my nose. I don't like parts. I should take inventory the parts I like.
- [04:21]
B
You got a lot of height that I didn't know about you.
- [04:24]
A
Oh yeah, I'm rangy, as they say. And you also look like you have a nice full C cup underneath your. And it looks real.
- [04:32]
B
Yeah.
- [04:32]
A
So you've been blessed.
- [04:34]
B
Yeah. You know what, that part was good.
- [04:36]
A
But let's focus on your mind because that's the part that really turns me on about a woman. I love when guys who are with supermodels get interviewed and have to explain that that's really the most attractive part of a woman.
- [04:50]
B
Right.
- [04:51]
A
Why are you with the super hot chick from the Victoria's Secret catalog. If that's the part that you're supposed.
- [04:56]
B
To work, that way we all get divvied up certain qualities. Like, I think when you're that, like, look, yeah, Heidi Klum couldn't be that cool. I mean, I don't know. But, like, it just doesn't work that way.
- [05:08]
A
I find her annoying, and I think she's an imbecile. And I think if she was from North Carolina, we just realized what a fucking retard she was. But because she has the accent and if you watch that show. Okay, that show pisses me off. What is that show called?
- [05:23]
B
Project Runway.
- [05:24]
A
Project Runway. She gets nominated for, like, an Emmy every fucking year. She comes on for eight seconds and, like, says, have the judges reached a decision? And then she walks off.
- [05:36]
B
I didn't know he actually got nominated. But, like, here's the thing, and this.
- [05:39]
A
Is the whole show gets nominated for just fucking bullshit. Like, who gives a shit about that fashion? And anyone could do that.
- [05:47]
B
Well, a. I'm glad you brought that up, because that actually brings us to the reason I'm here. The book, which is this book about reality shows in which there is an essay about Project Runway.
- [05:58]
A
Oh, let's hear some of it.
- [06:00]
B
Should we hear some of it? That's fun. I never thought I could read it. It's a really, really funny woman that wrote this. Her name is Jancy Dunn. So what this is. Let me just explain, please, because, you know, most books are like, I wrote the book, and it's by me. This is an anthology. I'm learning. People don't know what that word means.
- [06:16]
A
It means you've gathered other people's words and stole them and made your own book so you could profit off that.
- [06:21]
B
It means that I can say, let.
- [06:24]
A
Me see the Jew side of that nose. Yeah, that's the side that stole people's words and cited a profit off of it.
- [06:30]
B
Yeah. You know. You know, to get rich, you write books, especially anthologies, where you pay your writers out of your measly advance. But I'm really happy about it. So basically, I came up with this idea. I basically am not all into all reality shows, though I did watch you on Dancing with the Stars.
- [06:49]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [06:50]
B
Funny.
- [06:51]
A
Thank you.
- [06:52]
B
I'm not tend to. Not to be a fan of that show so much. But you were really funny on it.
- [06:57]
A
Has its moments.
- [07:00]
B
Yeah, it's cool. I mean, like, I.
- [07:03]
A
You know, I definitely. I mean, that show is not meant for us, right?
- [07:10]
B
It's it's meant for the middle of the country.
- [07:14]
A
And at a certain point, when it gets down to the final two or three, you pick your horse and maybe you see how they do, and it becomes a little interesting that way. But we're never gonna laugh at it or be that entertaining.
- [07:28]
B
So it's not for cynics, really.
- [07:32]
A
I would say that if you had somebody you were invested in much, much like American Idol, right? If you found somebody. And by the way, you know, then we'll get to the book people. You know, we always accused in this country of everyone of sort of being racist, but the reality is, is everyone kind of just pulls for whatever's closest to them. Like, when Niecy Nash goes, I'm doing it for all the heavyset gals out there, then every woman who's above a size 8, like, that's my girl, right? I'm pulling for her fat ass. And when you see whatever you are, if you're Asian, you're probably pulling for Christy Yamaguchi. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just kind of oftentimes the way we break down. And if there was a comedian on there, I'd probably be pulling for the comedian.
- [08:22]
B
So you're saying I'm pulling for the people with the half Jew noses and the half non Juno's.
- [08:26]
A
Yes.
- [08:27]
B
Who are my people? Am I pulling for Caucasian women?
- [08:30]
A
You will find somebody. You will find some similarity, some common ground, right? Like, somebody will go, I don't know if you're a mother.
- [08:39]
B
I'm not.
- [08:40]
A
Okay, well, someone will go, I fucking hate kids. Someone should put an M80 up their ass, blow them all up. I never want to see another kid. And you'll go, that's my girl.
- [08:49]
B
Right, right.
- [08:50]
A
See what I'm saying?
- [08:51]
B
Yeah, I'll be. So I think this is a very, very astute point. It actually is bringing me to, like, the reason I wanted to do this book, kind of because, like, I think that reality shows, everyone's like, oh, it's the sign that our civilization is going to hell. And, like, we're all becoming increasingly more stupid. Like that democracy movie. That was a great movie, right?
- [09:12]
A
Yeah, Idiocracy.
- [09:14]
B
Thank you.
- [09:14]
A
Yeah.
- [09:15]
B
But, like, basically, some of the more interesting conversations I have with people are about reality shows. Like, I'll have passionate conversations about, like, the Real Housewives of New York.
- [09:25]
A
Well, can I ask this to all those who are like, oh, man, this reality shows, it's the undoing of our culture. And let me just ask you, assholes this question, what shall we put on the air to take its place? Another CSI or another Cougar town? Like, what other piece of shit do we not only have 80 of, but we don't have 80 shitty 4 camera sitcoms already?
- [09:53]
B
Good point.
- [09:53]
A
You want another accidentally on purpose on the air? Like, what shall we put on in its place?
- [10:00]
B
Three and three quarters Men?
- [10:02]
A
Yeah, I mean, you want another fucking Two and a half Men or another fucking CSI or another Mentalist or another one of these pieces of shit? Is this really what you want? Some good looking guy taking his fucking sunglasses off slowly and saying, I smell trouble. And then we go to commercial break. Why do we need another one of these pieces of shit? So here's my answer to all you cynics that are like, oh, these reality shows, good. You invent me a show that's better, more compelling, more interesting, and I will watch it, right? Don't give me another shitty 4 camera sitcom.
- [10:32]
B
I couldn't support that more. In fact, I might steal that and start talking about that as I promote it's yours. Less, less expletives. But I mean, here's the thing is, like, I'm not saying all reality shows are great quality. I don't even watch all reality shows. But I do think the reality shows we like, reveals a lot about us. Like what you were saying is, like, we push for the person that like says something that we relate to or looks like us or whatever it is. I think the fact that like my friends and I, who most of whom are pretty intelligent, we're sitting there debating the Real Housewives and who's right. I mean, this is like, I know the Real Housewives. So we're like, I don't know, is Jill right? Is Bethany right? Like, what it actually reveals about us is what's interesting, you know, like, I relate to these women who have not matured beyond adolescence because I'm a woman. And so I'm sort of, you know, insane as a woman. And you know how we are. We like, we fight with our friends and then instead of saying, you hurt my feelings or I'm jealous, we go and we talk shit about them to somebody else. Because we think that's gonna make us feel better, when in fact it's gonna make us feel much worse. And so I can watch them and I can get this sort of level of superiority because I'm like, I am not that crazy when really I kind of am in a way. I just don't have cameras on me. Like, I'm not, as you Know, I have a little bit more self awareness than them, but I think what reality shows reflect back to us is interesting now because I don't watch all of them. And because I don't know that much, I figured, go get a bunch of other people, find smarter people than me to sort of write about what they like about reality shows. So I went to this big group of people and I got every writer I went to, I was like, yeah, I didn't know most of them. I'm like, hey, email them. Hey, you know, if you're into reality shows, I'm putting together this book. I can pay you almost nothing, but it'd be really cool if you do it. All of them wrote back and said, actually, I'm completely obsessed with Dog the Bounty Hunter or, you know, like American Idol or whatever it is. The only writer who said, I don't like reality shows said, I don't actually own a television. In the next sentence.
- [12:33]
A
That douchebag.
- [12:34]
B
Yeah. Can you imagine such.
- [12:36]
A
I'd like to choke those guys out with the cord from my third television set. Fucking hate those guys. Because I know those guys mostly don't own TVs because they want to make the proclamation to chicks at bars that don't own a tv. So I wouldn't know. Fuck you. And there's so much good on TV now that it's ridiculous to say, I don't. I don't want one of those idiot boxes. You don't have to sit around and watch fucking Kukla, Fran and Ollie. And then a bad, you know, Bosom Buddies rerun. There's history channels, there's nature channels, there's sports. There's plenty of news outlets. I mean, you can watch modern marvels and learn how the Chunnel was excavated. That doesn't make you a retard. That makes you someone who's thirsty for knowledge. What are you fucking passing judgment on me for? Because I enjoy watching and seeing how a pylon is placed 33ft below a bay when they're doing the Golden Gate Bridge. You know, why does that make me an ass wipe?
- [13:41]
B
Yeah, no, I agree.
- [13:43]
A
Although I do watch Real Housewives instead. But the point is, you could. National Geographic is an option. I know, I. I agree. Those people with their judgment.
- [13:54]
B
Yeah, I agree. I mean, and especially.
- [13:56]
A
So, Wait, you were gonna read an excerpt? What show we talking about?
- [14:00]
B
We were talking about Project Runway.
- [14:02]
A
Yes.
- [14:03]
B
And this woman, Jancy Dunn, who wrote this essay, she's.
- [14:07]
A
While you look.
- [14:07]
B
Okay, I found it. What? Did you want to say something?
- [14:10]
A
I'm just gonna say, here's my problem. Heidi Klum is hot. I think she's an imbecile. I don't. I don't. And I don't find her German accent to be that becoming either. I don't find it cute.
- [14:21]
B
I don't think German accents are supposed to be that.
- [14:24]
A
Not our chicks.
- [14:25]
B
She's pretty. She's pretty hot. So, I mean, like, kind of ridiculous.
- [14:29]
A
She's hot, but I think she's a dunce. I really do.
- [14:32]
B
I did hear, by the way, and this is like, hearsay, so I shouldn't repeat it, but, like, that she knows absolutely nothing about fashion and that literally, people are sort of whispering in her ear, oh, you're supposed to say this. That's an A line skirt, or whatever it is.
- [14:44]
A
I am not winning many popularity contests around my house when I announce every day that making a, you know, gown out of a handful of chiffon when you only have, you know, two hours to do it in a sewing machine is no big whoop. It's no big deal.
- [15:02]
B
I don't know. I am sort of pretty impressed with some of these people.
- [15:05]
A
I'm not. First off, what is fashion? Has there been a dress that could be made now that hasn't been made over the last 500 years?
- [15:15]
B
Well, that part, I would agree that I don't see it and go, oh, my God. I mean, so you sewed the lapel like. Or whatever.
- [15:24]
A
It's all the same. The simpler shit is always the better shit. We can all go and watch women at the Oscars walk down the red carpet and go, that one looks good and that one looks like shit. Which always makes me wonder, how did the chick who has the shitty dress pick it out with her flock of people and the designer and everything? There's eight people in my living room and we all go, jennifer, whoever. Jennifer Lopez looks hot in that, and Jennifer Love Hewitt looks like shit in that.
- [15:51]
B
Right.
- [15:52]
A
How is it that eight of us lay people just immediately point to the winner?
- [15:55]
B
Somebody, like probably $10,000 to figure it all out and pick the shoes?
- [15:59]
A
Yeah. Who is that person? But then secondly, I'm a builder and I like designing and building and I like cars and all that kind of shit. And it's much more taller a task to design and build car and a house, and it would be a fucking dress.
- [16:15]
B
Don't they have shows where they have shows where you build houses and cars?
- [16:18]
A
I know, but no one gives a shit about them. And everyone thinks these designers are geniuses. And who gives A shit. They're not doing anything. And it's easy to do. And, yes, I could do it.
- [16:27]
B
See, this is my point, that it reveals something interesting about you, how you feel about it. It's kind of mildly interesting. It's not the most interesting.
- [16:33]
A
No. I don't think that show needs to get Emmys nominated.
- [16:38]
B
But here's the thing. I agree that, like, a dress is a dress, too, to a certain degree. But, like, when they're given, like, leaves and dirt and they're told, like, go make this into a miniskirt, and then they walk out and it looks really cool, I'm impressed. And some of those people are super funny, too. Yeah, I agree with you about the Emmys. And also, not to mention the Amazing Race, like, I go to sleep.
- [17:02]
A
Oh, yeah, I heard it's a good show. I just. I never have the. I never have the time to watch it.
- [17:08]
B
Okay, I'm gonna try to pick a good section.
- [17:12]
A
Okay.
- [17:17]
B
So, I mean, I know what section to read from mine, but that way, I don't want to do that. Okay. This is Jancy Dunn writing about Project Runway, which. So she's writing about why she loves it so much and how. Okay, this leads me to my very favorite part of the series. This is good. As the finale nears and competitors are whittled to a handful, we are treated to a more rounded portrait of them. Earlier in the season, designers may rattle off a quick biography for the camera in between running to the Hershey's store in Times Square to fashion a dress out of candy.
- [17:56]
A
Is that a gay bar? I've never been there.
- [17:59]
B
Beyond that, not much information is given on their backgrounds. This is remedied in the last few episodes when the remaining three or four contestants are handed $8,000 and given a dozen weeks to complete a 12 piece look to be shown at New York Fashion Week in Bryant Park. Each of them tapes an extended segment in which they talk about their beginnings. Then, after they commence work on their collections, Tim Gunn himself pays a visit to their homes to check their progress. You like Tim Gunn?
- [18:23]
A
No.
- [18:24]
B
How can he not like Tim Gunn?
- [18:26]
A
Speaking of gun, I would pull out a gun with rock salt in it if that asshole got near my door. I just. I don't. I don't like those snooty queens just looking down their nose.
- [18:35]
B
He's pretty cool, though.
- [18:36]
A
Someone put a plate of shit under his nose and never removed it. And listen, here's what I don't like. All fashion people. The designers. The people that put on the fashion shows the people in the audience of the fashion shows. The other Chloe or Zoe or whatever her name is, who dresses all the people. So it's all bullshit. It's all been done before. All the dresses from the 50s and the shoes from the 50s and all the styles from the 50s all look better than the shit they're crapping out today. Anyone could do it. And I don't know what the fuck you're doing standing or sitting next to one of those runways and seeing one of those heroin riddled coke horse going up and down the fucking thing. And then you're plotting and then the half a fag comes running out wearing a denim jacket and a bandana and you clap some more and it's all that. Either it falls under two categories. It's either a swan dress filled with actual swan feathers, it's never going to be at a target, or if it's something reasonable, it's already been done. What's the big whoop? There's nothing going on. You're not helping anyone. You're not doing anything and you're just regurgitating. Regurgitating shit that was done before you and better in the 40s and 30s. 40s and 50s men's suits. Is there anything you can do to a fucking men's suit that hasn't been done before? And it's all was better when Clark Gable was wearing it anyway.
- [20:03]
B
I agree.
- [20:04]
A
Thank you.
- [20:05]
B
No, you're right. That being said, like, I don't know that much about fashion, so I'm willing to believe that these people who care so much about like, what I care about is like words on a page.
- [20:16]
A
Okay.
- [20:17]
B
Like, you know what I mean? And I don't expect, you know, a lot of people to be like, so interested in, oh, does that word matter? Does it? But it matters a lot to me. So if it's like. If it's. But I would. I agree with you.
- [20:27]
A
Who's into the fashion? Did anyone get more fuckable because they're wearing something nicer? It's just chicks jacking off for chicks.
- [20:35]
B
Yeah, girls dress for girls. They do not dress for guys.
- [20:38]
A
I know. Well, who cares then?
- [20:40]
B
I, I know. I mean, you see, I'm not exactly dolled up in some Tracy gal.
- [20:45]
A
No, but it's better wearing what you're wearing now than you do. I'm laughing because if you look at the. You look better than half the chicks that are walking up and down the Runway.
- [20:55]
B
Is that gonna be showing?
- [20:56]
A
No, no. Only us can see the woman with a stiletto heel strapped her head.
- [21:02]
B
Oh, it's a good look.
- [21:03]
A
I'm just saying, I've seen enough of these fashion shows, and most everything that goes down the Runway is like, next, next, next. And then every once in a while, you see something and you go, oh, that looks nice. I could see my wife wearing that. Then you realize the only reason you're saying that is because it's familiar. You've seen it before, right?
- [21:21]
B
And it's not. It's not, like, feathered and, like, crazy, like, comparative speaking. I'm with you. I'm like a dude when it comes to that kind of thing.
- [21:29]
A
It's literally the emperor's new clothes.
- [21:32]
B
What she talks about in the essay, I did not pick a great part, but she basically talks about how she's a writer, so she sits in her apartment with, like, cats for company and how it's kind of cool that these people can do this creative thing and yet be together.
- [21:44]
A
She sounds really hot.
- [21:46]
B
I have two cats.
- [21:48]
A
Two's fine.
- [21:50]
B
Well, I mean, I have cats.
- [21:52]
A
The problem with I don't mind cats.
- [21:54]
B
When you say girl is when they start to go cats. You know what I mean? Like, having a cat is a lot cuter, hotter than having more than one.
- [22:03]
A
I love cats. I've always loved cats. And I don't like people that explain that they don't like cats. Because usually when they do explain they don't like cats, they're really explaining what insecure assholes they are.
- [22:16]
B
You just describe, like, every man I've.
- [22:18]
A
Ever been out with, which I know because they're like. Because guys don't like cats because they're insecure douchebags. And they're always like, hey, when you call, a cat doesn't come when you walk in. It's not happy to see you. I mean, when I come home, I mean, I got a golden retriever. That dog's tail is wagging, and he's happy to see daddy. And it's like, how much fucking validation do you need from this creature that's going to live for seven and a half years and has a brain the size of a fucking walnut who shits in front of other dogs and then sniffs their asses? And, like, really, how much validating do you need or validation do you need from your pet? Do you know what I mean? Like, he's so happy to see me, and he's excited when I come home, and he's. He's what? He's a fucking dog, right?
- [23:08]
B
He doesn't even know. All he knows is you might Open a can of food.
- [23:11]
A
Yeah. Meanwhile, you know, one of your daughters goes lesbian. Your son's cutting on himself and he's blowing the neighbor kid. Like, what? How about you get some fucking validation for your co workers or your peers? What are you worried about your dog for? Oh, there's a creature that lives in my house that's not frantic, like, celebrating like Snoopy when Charlie Brown came home. Who gives a shit? I love that about cats. You walk in, cat's sitting where you sit on your chair, looks up and goes, welcome home, asshole. And then looks back down and falls asleep again. That's it.
- [23:42]
B
And then you try to sit on that place, and you're gonna get scratched.
- [23:45]
A
And there's this one, too. I like when you try to. I like when you try to replant the cat somewhere and it doesn't work. So sort of like what we did with the American Indians. Like, we go, listen, I know you're sitting on my chair right now. Now, here's what I'm gonna do. I am going to lift you up as quietly and as gingerly as I possibly can by sliding both hands under you. We have a lot of support. Lift you up, and then I'm going to sit on the chair, place you right back down in my lap in the exact same position you were before I entered the room. And you do it, and the cat sits on your lap, and the cat gives you like a two Mississippi. And then they're like, fuck this, I'm out of here. And you're like, well, wait, you're in the same position you were before. You're just with me. And they're like, you know what, old man? I ain't buying this shit. I'm out of here. I'm going on top of the fridge. I'm going to my fortress of solitude on top of the fridge. I don't need you fucking stepping on my tail while I'm drinking. And that's what they do. I love the fact that the cat's attitude is fuck you.
- [24:45]
B
It's true. It's true. I've got a cat who really does that. I mean, I've got a troubled one who likes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who, like, bites and scratches and hisses.
- [24:53]
A
Yeah. I mean, they'll take it a step further, which is not only are they just sort of neutral on your existence, they want you to die.
- [25:00]
B
Yeah.
- [25:01]
A
Like, your cat's like, off. What are you doing in our apartment?
- [25:05]
B
They live there. I just. I just pay the rent.
- [25:08]
A
Yeah. You know, I like that. And I like that you're secure enough to dig that about them. Maybe that. See, that's the parenting gene. Because there's a lot of dads out there. And you hear about this all the time, where it's like. It's conditional. Like, I know dads, and you hear about them. And, you know, we started off by talking about Angelina Jolie, and, you know, she doesn't get along so good with Jon Voight, her dad. And there's an element with males where it's like, here's how males are wired. If I have a daughter and that daughter ends up being troubled, or we have. There's friction between us or disagreements, or even a son, same deal. At a certain point, I, as a dad and as a male, can go, hey, fuck you. Like, man, you're in and out of rehab. You're always borrowing money. You're shaming me. You're disappointing me. You know what? I don't need this anymore. And dads can literally just go, like, where's your kid? I haven't talked to him in 20 years. You know, they can.
- [26:18]
B
They can.
- [26:18]
A
It's sad, but they can do that.
- [26:21]
B
I know about it too.
- [26:21]
A
Where is.
- [26:23]
B
No, no. I mean, I know people.
- [26:24]
A
Like, that's why I have the cats and no kids.
- [26:28]
B
This is not psychotherapy.
- [26:29]
A
Moms could easily turn into that. Moms have that unconditional thing. So a dad, a male is like, hey, Bowser, not the guy from Sha Na Na, but I'm talking about the dog. What can you do for me? Can you wag your tail? Can you. Can you lick my face? Can you get my slippers? Can we go hunting? I could use you to go into the cold swamp and get the. Get the duck out of it. Like, I need you to do some shit. This is conditional, right? I'm not just going to feed you and clean up your shit and get nothing in return. Cats, nothing in return. That's why women. Women can say, I will unconditionally love this creature regardless of what it does or gives back to me. Men can't do that.
- [27:11]
B
There are women who have dogs, though. So these are the very insecure women were saying.
- [27:15]
A
No, I would say those are even more robust women who are like, not only am I gonna love the shit out of you, but I'm gonna get a face licking in return.
- [27:24]
B
I. I gotta tell you something. I don't know that I love my cat. I mean, so your theory might not work with me.
- [27:30]
A
Like, I've got one who's better because you still take care of it.
- [27:35]
B
And begrudgingly.
- [27:36]
A
But if you. But. But if it had a thyroid condition and you had to take it.
- [27:41]
B
Yeah, like Oprah.
- [27:43]
A
And you had to take it to the vet. Not saying that Oprah went to the vet. I don't know, but I'm not saying she did. And you had to take care of that thyroid condition, and it costs you $2,200.
- [27:54]
B
I'd pay it, but I'd be pissed off.
- [27:56]
A
It doesn't matter. The point is, there's even a better argument, which is you are taking care of this creature that you don't even claim to love.
- [28:04]
B
I constantly ask people if they'll take her. I'm serious. No, she's more that. You know, I mean, I'm talking. She's. She pees in my purses.
- [28:15]
A
Do what.
- [28:15]
B
She scratches me.
- [28:16]
A
You know, do what Donnie did with our pet rabbits, which is just take them up to Laurel Wood and set him free by Mulholland.
- [28:23]
B
Yeah, I thought about that. I don't think she'd do so well in the world. Yeah, I'm in it with her. She's 10. It's not gonna be forever. Cats can live a long time, though. Yeah, she's healthy as could be. Oh, by the way, we've tried medication. Tried, like, Prozac.
- [28:40]
A
Because she's scratching you.
- [28:41]
B
She's, like, insane. Like, literally the vet, they basically, when she's coming in, they staff up and they get, like, six people hold her down.
- [28:49]
A
It's like in those reality shows, the ones that have to do with, like, the prison system that they have on, like, A and E, where they got to go in and get a prisoner who's been chucking feces at guards, and he's naked and he won't come out of his cell. And so they all dress up in a football uniform and they fling the thing open and stuff. Six of them just bum rush the guy and tackle him and put him in leg irons.
- [29:13]
B
See, I haven't seen that.
- [29:14]
A
Oh, that's awesome. See? More good reality tv. But that's what they do with your cat.
- [29:18]
B
Yeah, minus the football costumes.
- [29:20]
A
Okay.
- [29:21]
B
I didn't know vets sometimes. Well, no, I have a piece. Jerry Stahl. Yeah, Big writer.
- [29:26]
A
Oh, I don't read.
- [29:27]
B
You know who that is? He wrote a book called Permanent Midnight.
- [29:30]
A
I've heard of that. It was made into movies, but I only know things that made in a movie.
- [29:35]
B
Okay, so. So he wrote about lockup in this book. NBC show. He'd be into that. If you read. If you learned how to read Today you could.
- [29:43]
A
A little late in the game for me to learn to read.
- [29:45]
B
You could read this. And he basically talks about. It's kind of an interesting idea.
- [29:49]
A
Oh, that's probably the show I'm talking about. One of those.
- [29:51]
B
Yeah. Lock up.
- [29:52]
A
Yeah.
- [29:53]
B
What's it on msnbc.
- [29:55]
A
Oh, there was an A and E show too, I'm sure. Well, anyway. Yeah, and lock up.
- [30:00]
B
So in lockup, he talks about how basically, like, these guys, you know, they're basically that they've. They've made it in a certain way because, yes, their lives suck and they killed people or whatever it is, and they're in jail for the rest of their lives, but they're televised. They're like living the American dream. It's interesting. I would say it's the most political of the pieces in here. The rest are kind of straight up humor, funny things. You know, I wrote about, you know, the Real World, you know.
- [30:26]
A
Yeah.
- [30:27]
B
Only person in America still watches it.
- [30:29]
A
I think I have backed off on the Real World.
- [30:32]
B
Most did.
- [30:33]
A
Yeah. I don't know what. Oh, I think what happened is the Real World was the only game in town for a lot of years. And for those you. For those of us who had that reality show craving, like, we want to see real people living in a real environment, unscripted, blah, blah, blah. That was our only outlet. So it was sort of like, I think, what happened in the Real World. Because people will go like, well, what happened? Well, it's not as compelling, or they moved from Hawaii to New York or whatever it is. But the reality is, pardon the pun, it was like there was one pizza joint that delivered, and it was in your neighborhood, and that was the only game in town. Right.
- [31:13]
B
And it seemed really good.
- [31:14]
A
Seemed really good because it came to your house, it was piping hot, and that was about it. And then all of a sudden, 50 other pizza joints opened, and you started going around to some of them, and.
- [31:23]
B
You'Re like, they have barbecue chicken pizza.
- [31:26]
A
Yeah. I like the thin crust over here. And you start spreading around a little, and there's still like a little place in your palate or dinner table for the first pizza joint. But all of a sudden there are other pizza joints to go to.
- [31:37]
B
So you're saying not only am I incredibly confident because I have cats, but I'm a loyal person because I still watch the room. I don't care about the fancy pizza place with the, you know, the white pizza. You know, I don't need that goat.
- [31:50]
A
Cheese on a fucking pizza. You don't need that shit.
- [31:53]
B
I just need the basic.
- [31:54]
A
I like that about you.
- [31:55]
B
Yeah. Well, yeah, the real world. I'm kind of pretty obsessed with it. I've missed a bunch of seasons. They're on number 26.
- [32:02]
A
Really?
- [32:03]
B
Isn't that insane?
- [32:03]
A
Are they really on?
- [32:04]
B
Well, because I think they do two a year. Because that. I mean.
- [32:07]
A
I know. I guess so. Yeah.
- [32:09]
B
But yeah, I. And my essays about. I wanted to be on the San Francisco one.
- [32:14]
A
Mmm. That was. Oh, actually, that was the one with Puck. Yeah, that was a great one. And the Seattle one was a great one.
- [32:21]
B
That's when I started tuning out. Now I've been back in for like four or five years. I can tell you all about it.
- [32:25]
A
But, like, yeah, the one with Puck was awesome because he was so goddamn annoying.
- [32:29]
B
Yeah.
- [32:29]
A
And yeah, like I said, the Seattle one where the black dude punched a Jewish chick. That was awesome. I think she threw his teddy bear into the drink or something. And they got out of the car.
- [32:40]
B
I missed that one. But there's usually. They usually have.
- [32:43]
A
Is that the black dude of wax.
- [32:44]
B
Yeah, they get an angry black. And angry black is one of the stereotypes.
- [32:48]
A
Key component. If you're doing.
- [32:49]
B
Key component. You get the angry black guy, you get the. You get the gay, you get the homophobe. He might. He might be the angry black. Sometimes they can. You know what I mean?
- [32:57]
A
Yeah, this one wasn't. But. Yeah.
- [32:59]
B
Yeah, you get the virgin.
- [33:00]
A
Yeah.
- [33:01]
B
You know, Mormon or some other issue.
- [33:04]
A
You get the whore.
- [33:05]
B
You get the.
- [33:05]
A
You get the four in the San Francisco. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the San Francisco one had Pedro with aids and then he died.
- [33:13]
B
Yeah, I know.
- [33:15]
A
Oh, man, that's compelling shit.
- [33:17]
B
I know, I know. Like, decidedly less trashy than I like my reality tv. Like, I like. But that was serious and, you know, kind of intense. So I would say that was not one of my favorite seasons. I did try to get on that one, though.
- [33:30]
A
And how'd it go? I bet you have your tape somewhere.
- [33:32]
B
No, basically what happened is. And this is what the essay's about. I knew this guy who was on the LA one and he. He's like, oh, guess what? They're doing it in San Francisco and they can't find anybody. And I know. I told them I know this girl, she'd be great. And so I'm like, yeah, I, you know, I was working at parenting magazine making $18,000 a year thinking like, this was gonna be my life.
- [33:52]
A
What we doing it, like, writing hard hitting essays like Strain Peas, Friend or Foe. What do you do on parenting?
- [33:59]
B
It was like literally like cracked nipples from breastfeeding. I mean, nipples. That sounds interesting. Cracked nipples.
- [34:07]
A
Yeah, little utter bomb. Fix that problem.
- [34:09]
B
It was like Barney the dinosaur was really big then. So I was miserable. I was think I, you know, do you remember, like 20s? They're terrible. I mean, they were for me. Like I graduated from college, I'm like, cool world, I'm here. Like, I'm so. I know you're so excited. And world was like, we don't give a shit at all.
- [34:27]
A
Let me tell you why I was more miserable than you.
- [34:29]
B
Go ahead.
- [34:31]
A
You're attractive and you're female, so that at least gets you a free meal twice a month perhaps.
- [34:37]
B
Yeah. So it's good for free food every now and then.
- [34:41]
A
That's number one. I'm the guy buying you the meal, so that's number one. Number two, you graduated college, at least you had that under your belt. And number three, as free spirited and independent as you are, there was always, at least from a societal standpoint. I know you're a liberated woman who's probably going to take umbrage with this, but as a male you feel this pressure of like, I gotta take care of a family. Like, you know, I wasn't planning on being the world's greatest dad, but I did. One day I thought, well, I'll own a home hopefully and I'll have a couple of kids and I'll have a wife and the wife will take care of the kids and I'll pay the mortgage on the home and I'm going to need to provide for these kids and these people who are living under this roof with me. Yeah. And so when you're a 25 year old dude loser, you have the extra added burden of not only can I barely support my own shit, but how the fuck am I going to support the two or three hungry kids and then the wife that is taking care of the kids and blah, blah. Right.
- [35:50]
B
So I don't take umbrages. I completely agree. I think that that's, that's true. I mean, I don't know if it's sort of the family I'm from or whatever, but like it never occurred to me that I didn't have to do that too. But in a practical way, I didn't.
- [36:04]
A
No, you, you're attractive.
- [36:07]
B
I could have just gotten knocked up.
- [36:08]
A
At 23, married some dude who had a decent gig at some insurance place and you probably would have been bored, but at least you wouldn't be destitute.
- [36:18]
B
It's true. I didn't look at it that way. I also have, like, dysfunctional, indulgent parents. So it was always like, oh, hey, can I. Can I get some money? Like, you know what I mean? I mean, it's. I wasn't rolling in it, but, like, I always.
- [36:30]
A
They had money.
- [36:30]
B
There was like a cushion.
- [36:32]
A
That is reason number two to resent me. No, but that.
- [36:37]
B
Why I didn't have it that bad off.
- [36:38]
A
But no, you know, it's the. It's funny because Donnie, who's not here today, we always have this argument where we grew up together. The guy produces this show and he. I always tell him how miserable. We didn't grow up together, but when we got out of high school, we lived together, right? And we spent our 20s together. And I was always secretly miserable, and he was always overtly happy. It's annoying, and it's annoying. And he always says, you know, ah, come on, you were happy. Those were good times. Like, we had a fucking good time. Like, we got loaded and we nailed chicks and we smoked pot. We drove around our hot rods. And like, I know it sounds like it's from the 50s, but I mean, you know, we had some good times. Like, we had just good, good, cheap, cheap thrills, you know? And I said, but here's the difference. Your parents have money, not rich. They have money and they give a shit. If the wheels come off your wagon, you can go. You have a place to go, right? If nothing works out, your mom will take you on in her real estate, whatever, and you could do something or something, right? Not. Not a golden parachute. But when. But at a certain point in our apartment, when it was too many drugs and too many chicks and too much bong water spilt and too much chaos, at a certain point Donnie said, fuck it, I'm going home. Right? And Donnie went up the hill and he went home for a couple years.
- [38:06]
B
Right? Right. And it was just you and the bar.
- [38:08]
A
I didn't have anywhere to go, right? So this weird. My parents are super poor and super lazy and sort of destitute and not really. They wouldn't be able to take care of your cat. So there was never that element of, I can always take up with my dad's law firm if something, you know, whatever. That always bothered me because it was this desperation. Like, there was never any. There was no net under that tight wire, I guess, is what it was. Or tightrope.
- [38:39]
B
Right. I mean, but arguably, like, those people in that situation, oftentimes fun inner strength. Like, you're nothing against Donnie. I don't know who he is. You're the guy on the show. Donnie's producing it. I'm just saying like, that, like, you know, the fact that there is no net may make you work harder. Oh, it does, therefore.
- [38:59]
A
But it doesn't make better off. It doesn't make you happier when you're walking across the tightrope. No, that's what I'm saying. Yes, ultimately, sure. By the time I die, I will have been. I'll be on top of. I mean, like, like all that. All that misery adversaries and all the kind of all the stuff you hear about. Yeah, sure. It's like the sense of humor. Like, oh, yeah, Monique's hysterical because she was molested repeatedly by her older brother over a course of five years. Yeah, that's awesome.
- [39:34]
B
Right?
- [39:35]
A
That's where she got her wonderful sense of humor.
- [39:37]
B
Well, so what do you want? I hear you. I totally. But also, I mean, happiness, not to get real philosophical deep here, but happiness is not about circumstances. No, like, I was miserable in my 20s. Not because I what, I was making $18,000 a year and writing about Barney the Dinosaur and cracked Nipples. I was miserable because I was like a really unhappy person. And like, I was also, you know, I'm like a sober person. Like, so I was also like really self destructive. I mean, I'll be sober 10 years in November.
- [40:03]
A
Oh, really?
- [40:03]
B
That's like the how I know Drew.
- [40:05]
A
Oh, really?
- [40:05]
B
I didn't go. He wasn't like my rehab doctor, but. But like, I used prescription meds. He now then. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. I mean, it was like cocaine, alcohol, Ambien was a big one with me, but, you know, I was.
- [40:20]
A
Are you Jewish?
- [40:21]
B
Yeah.
- [40:22]
A
Drew always says the Jews not so much into the booze.
- [40:25]
B
We're into the food, supposedly. But you saw my nose stuff. You saw my nose. Oh, so we're not supposed to be into drinking, but we're supposed to be into the pills. It was like. My thing is, like, if cocaine didn't exist, I would have just been like an alcoholic my whole life and never gotten sober and probably been pretty unhappy. I was very unhappy doing that stuff. I didn't see it that way. But like, so.
- [40:44]
A
So you doing a lot of coke?
- [40:46]
B
I was doing a lot of it.
- [40:47]
A
How much is a lot compared to.
- [40:49]
B
A lot of sober people? I know today I was like an amateur. To me, it was a ton. I mean, I was like, my guy would. You had to buy 2 grams at a time. He wouldn't deliver one.
- [41:01]
A
How much was a GRAM it was.
- [41:03]
B
60 when I got sober. I got somewhere in 2000, man.
- [41:06]
A
See, it was expensive back in the day. It was like. I think it was like 120 or something.
- [41:10]
B
Well, you're saying it was more, and then it went down.
- [41:12]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [41:13]
B
Well, the thing is, you get eight.
- [41:14]
A
Ball for like a hundred bucks.
- [41:15]
B
It was really shitty coke.
- [41:17]
A
Oh, okay. So, like, how many grams would you do a week?
- [41:21]
B
It would depend on the week. But, like, it would be like, I. Basically, I was. I was writing and writing in quotes because I wasn't making a living. Like, your accountant doesn't think you're a writer. You're not a writer. As far as I'm concerned. I was not really a writer then.
- [41:31]
A
Well, you're working for a magazine at this point.
- [41:34]
B
I was not working for anybody. Like, it kind of went down and I was home. I was doing coverage and scripts, which basically I was trying to write screenplays. So what that meant is I would go pick up a script, they'd pay me $60, do coverage of the script.
- [41:49]
A
That's what a. Graham.
- [41:50]
B
Okay. And so I would be very pissed off that whoever this was had finished their screenplay, had an agent who'd given it to this company and was under consideration. So I trashed the script. And then I'd say I'm getting paid $60 and I need to be motivated.
- [42:04]
A
I feel bad for all those people that is a coked up, bitter, you trashing their script.
- [42:09]
B
To be fair, most nine scripts are so bad that, like, it was accurate.
- [42:14]
A
Well, so you did about how much coke a week would you say?
- [42:19]
B
It would depend on the week. But, like, I maybe do, like six or something. Six grams.
- [42:23]
A
Six grams a week.
- [42:26]
B
It would really depend.
- [42:27]
A
Healthy.
- [42:27]
B
Yeah, I mean, it's part of a.
- [42:29]
A
You know, coke is yummy. I mean, for those of you who don't know, like, good coke is really yummy. It makes you feel good about yourself.
- [42:36]
B
It doesn't energize.
- [42:38]
A
Empowered. Well, you got the stuff that was stepped.
- [42:40]
B
No, no, no, no, I did. I did great stuff, too. And that was the problem. And then whatever. If you can't stop doing, it's pretty miserable.
- [42:48]
A
So that's what happened with you.
- [42:50]
B
So my thing was, like, I was not meant to be, like, someone who wrote books or really did anything besides, like, chain smoke and, like, go to parties. So I was, like, really unhappy and miserable. And then, whatever, my life changed. I got, you know, I got a new way of living and.
- [43:04]
A
And who got you sober?
- [43:06]
B
Nobody.
- [43:06]
A
And there was. Most people are not. Most people And a lot of people have a sort of bottom out.
- [43:12]
B
Yeah. I don't have a great dramatic. Like, I was in the gutter in the sunlight, you know, I was, like, waiting to sell my body, and then the sunlight shone on me. No, no, it was like, I. Quite honestly, like, I slowly was just like, huh, life isn't really worth living. Like, I was. So when you're so depressed, you don't know you're depressed. You just think that's life.
- [43:28]
A
So you went into rehab?
- [43:29]
B
Yeah. No one did an intervention or anything.
- [43:31]
A
I just was like, another good reality show.
- [43:35]
B
Which one? Intervention. Oh, yeah.
- [43:36]
A
So. So then it took.
- [43:39]
B
Well, yeah, it took. I went. You know, I went to rehab, and I figured out that my problem wasn't really, like, drinking and drugs. It was, like, the way I thought. And. And I've been dealing with that ever since. And, you know, my life is about 10,000 times better.
- [43:54]
A
And you're completely sober?
- [43:55]
B
Completely sober, yeah.
- [43:56]
A
You're not one of these people that says, well, no more coke, but I can have white wine.
- [44:00]
B
Yeah, those people are bullshit.
- [44:02]
A
Yeah, well, Drew will tell you that every time.
- [44:05]
B
Yeah. I mean, so I'm, you know, like. You know what he does in terms of spreading the sort of message about sobriety and sort of taking some of the shame about it, it's, like, pretty awesome. And so my point about him is I used to interview him for, you know, random magazine stories I do for, like, Cosmo Details. And then when I wrote my first book, Party Girl was about. It was basically like, about me. It was when I. When I got sober, I. I got a job at Premier magazine writing a column called Party Girl. So it's, like, really ironic. Here I'd been this party girl my whole life. Suddenly all I do is, like, hang out with my cats and, like to have coffee, and suddenly this is, like, the name of my call. And so then, anyway, I wrote a book about. It's like a thinly veiled. They call it a Romano clay. The French do.
- [44:45]
A
Really?
- [44:45]
B
Yeah. Which just basically means it's a novel. But it was true, and Drew blurbed it, and he said, this is the most accurate portrayal of drug addiction and recovery I've come.
- [44:55]
A
What year was that?
- [44:56]
B
2007.
- [44:57]
A
Hmm. Trying to remember if I spoke to him about that or not. I've never read a book in my life. Have you?
- [45:03]
B
Literally never read a book?
- [45:05]
A
I never read an article or book.
- [45:07]
B
You've read an article. They're like books on these shelves, I guess they're called classic cars. People give them to me they're called motorcycles.
- [45:13]
A
I gotta tell you how fucking lazy and not into reading I am. There was a, there was a pretty big article on me in Fast lane. Fast times. Fast.
- [45:30]
B
You got bored reading it?
- [45:32]
A
No, never started it.
- [45:33]
B
That's insane.
- [45:34]
A
Never read the article, the magazine sitting over there. Never, never read it. It came out four months ago. It's like, I guess like four or five pages. Never say that.
- [45:48]
B
That's like, you know, like you. It's a healthy ego. Like you're not self obsessed. You don't want to read what somebody. You don't care that much. You know these people who like are googling themselves all the time.
- [45:58]
A
It's weird. Yeah, it sounds like a positive attribute. I don't think it is. It's, it's. I think the magazines here.
- [46:09]
B
Do you want me to read it and tell you what it says?
- [46:11]
A
It's called Fast Company and I'm ashamed to tell the people that wrote the article or the publicist or whoever that I've never read the article at a certain. I have a window of like a week if I don't read it in the first week. Usually most articles are. Most all of them are really inaccurate. And I end up just getting angered by small inaccuracies in it. And I think the picture is that you.
- [46:39]
B
Wait, let me see that.
- [46:40]
A
Yeah. And it's one.
- [46:42]
B
Look, that's the couch we're sitting.
- [46:44]
A
Yeah. Maybe it's only two pages or does it start up again? I guess it's only two pages. Well, even more reason why I should probably read it. I didn't read it. Here's all I know. I know whatever quote I gave them that was funny is not going to be in here. It'll be a lesser one that's sort of watered down and modified in some way. It's going to be disappointing. And then I, I don't know, low self esteem or, or what, Whatever. I just, I mean it's a, it's a, it's, it's a hatred of reading.
- [47:19]
B
Right.
- [47:20]
A
Reading to me is such a chore that even if the shit is about me, it still is trumped by the fact that it's reading.
- [47:27]
B
Right. Right. So if somebody were to like to do like an audio article about you, you would for sure listen. Let's say that person.
- [47:36]
A
Yes, I would probably do that. I think people probably think I'm lying and I would hook myself up to polygraph test right now when I can tell you that there were five copies of this magazine that my wife bought or that somebody sent over. They've been floating around my house in plain view, on kitchen counters, on my desk, in my office, sitting on the coffee table here, and I've not read one paragraph from it. And it's been four months, and I don't think I ever will look at it. I don't even have an issue with it.
- [48:08]
B
Yeah, you might be. You might have the greatest aversion to reading of anyone I've ever been around. But, like, look, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I mean, here's my thing. I'm not that interested in politics. I feel great shame about the fact, like, I don't. Like, I get the New York Times headlines in my inbox, and I'm like, yeah. And like, I feel ashamed of that. But, like, I'm not interested in sports. Sports, sorry.
- [48:32]
A
And I'm not worried about sports.
- [48:35]
B
I don't feel shame about that. So how come? Like. So if you're like, I don't read like I should, you know why?
- [48:41]
A
I mean, granted, I don't have a great shame factor about reading. I feel badly that somebody took the time to write an article about me. And if I was a decent human being, I would read the article and then I would send an email to the person that wrote the article and I would say, nice job. Thanks for the. Thanks for the P's and whatever.
- [49:09]
B
Do that anyway.
- [49:12]
A
Okay, well, maybe I should do that. But now it's been four months.
- [49:15]
B
And what if she listens to this also?
- [49:17]
A
I don't know. Maybe a dude also. Is it a dude? I don't remember.
- [49:22]
B
Well, as somebody who's written hundreds of these articles, can I tell you, trying to think if I've ever gotten any from the somewhere. Howie Mandel wrote me an email and said, this was my favorite article I've ever read about me.
- [49:35]
A
Really?
- [49:35]
B
Yeah.
- [49:35]
A
Well, that's nice.
- [49:36]
B
And I was like, he's the nicest guy ever.
- [49:38]
A
I mean, do you. Do you have that somewhere?
- [49:41]
B
I'm sure I have the email.
- [49:42]
A
Can you remove Howie Mandel's name from the top of it and put my name on that and then send it ahead to the company?
- [49:48]
B
Why not? As somebody who gets interviewed, I just say, have a token policy. Always write that. Write them and say, that was the best, my favorite interview I've ever seen.
- [49:57]
A
What if they wrote really shitty things about me?
- [50:00]
B
Your wife would tell you. Somebody who read it would tell you, okay, I'm not.
- [50:05]
A
I'm not. Not into. I've done. I. If I do A show. I'll. I'll usually watch a show.
- [50:11]
B
You. You don't listen to all these?
- [50:13]
A
No, I haven't heard one of these.
- [50:15]
B
Right, right.
- [50:16]
A
No, no.
- [50:18]
B
But yeah, if you go on a TV show like the man show, you would watch that.
- [50:22]
A
No, I didn't watch Loveline or the man show, per se. Loveline. I never watched Man Show. Only came on once a week. But I didn't have it. I didn't have a TiVo.
- [50:33]
B
They didn't have it. Did they have TiVo?
- [50:35]
A
They were around maybe at the end, but I didn't know how to work a vcr. And no, I never saw any Lovelines or Man shows. I don't have the box sets of any of those. We have box sets of the man show, as a matter of fact. It was funny because I was thinking, we've been doing a lot of live shows, and something's wrong with me. We're doing a lot of live shows. And so I thought, Donnie brings his computer. He's the one who's not here, who has a safety net.
- [51:08]
B
Right? Right.
- [51:09]
A
Donnie in his computers loaded up a lot of visual stuff and a lot of components that are interesting when we do the live show.
- [51:16]
B
Right?
- [51:17]
A
And I was sort of walking around thinking of things to load up into Donnie's computer, and he, you know, if you did a short or. I did a short or something and loaded in and we could show it at the club I was at, whatever it is. So I started thinking the other day, huh, I wonder what kind of stuff, other things, elements would be fun for the audience to see.
- [51:38]
B
Right?
- [51:38]
A
And I thought, oh, there's a couple of man show bits. I did a couple of commercial parodies that were just like one minute long or a minute and 20 seconds that were funny. And maybe those would be fun, compelling, interesting, short little things I could show. And then I could talk about how we did it or whatever, since we don't do any man show shit. And I'm kind of known from the man show. So then my next thought was, well, how do I get these things into Donnie's computer?
- [52:06]
B
Right?
- [52:07]
A
Because I don't own a box set or copy of or any. Any evidence that I ever did the man show. I have a. A room that is filled with 2000 DVDs, but I don't have any Man Show. I should have the box sets. They have box sets?
- [52:26]
B
Yeah.
- [52:27]
A
I don't know why I don't have them.
- [52:28]
B
Why isn't someone giving that to you?
- [52:31]
A
Here's what happens. Either I never got Them at all. Or somebody gave it to me and I gave it to somebody right. Else, like, oh, here's a press. Or they wanted it. Like they went like, oh, I never saw that episode. I went, well, here, take the box set. And then I never got another box set. But there's no. I don't know how to get my man show deodorant parody commercial that's a minute and 20 seconds long into Donnie's computer because I don't have, right. A copy of it.
- [53:03]
B
It's very interesting. I mean, it's a very solvable problem.
- [53:06]
A
It is.
- [53:06]
B
But I go back to this, like, maybe you're just this ego less person, you know, everyone else, like, they have, like, you know, like, I know a guy who's a director. You walk into his apartment and he's got like stacks of his movies right there. And it's like the first thing you see, to be honest. You walk into my apartment. I got stacks of my books right there. Like, so you're sort of the opposite. You're just like, I don't even.
- [53:29]
A
I don't know.
- [53:30]
B
I've got motorcycle and classic cars, books, but I don't even have the Man Show.
- [53:35]
A
Yeah, I don't know because I'm. It's not. It's. I'm not. It's not because I'm a nice guy or Ecolist doesn't necessarily or, or I don't. I'm not a dick to other people a lot of the time or any of that stuff. Like, you know, I'm not Mother Man Show Teresa or anything. I just have a very limited, Very limited interest in. In what I do.
- [54:00]
B
Right.
- [54:00]
A
That. I think that's what it. I think that's what.
- [54:02]
B
It's healthy.
- [54:04]
A
I don't know. I don't know.
- [54:06]
B
I mean, whatever. I don't. We don't need to die. But I also know, like, you know, because I used to be on this TV show called Attack of the show.
- [54:11]
A
That you've never heard of, but I've heard of it.
- [54:12]
B
Yeah. Okay. So yeah, that's. It's still on.
- [54:14]
A
Is that on Spike?
- [54:15]
B
No, but it's on G4.
- [54:16]
A
Oh, G4. Yeah, sorry, G4 is what Spike was four years ago or something like that. Yes, G4. Sort of the new Spice.
- [54:27]
B
It's supposedly like a tech channel, but it's become more like just whatever.
- [54:31]
A
Yeah. Young G4.
- [54:33]
B
So I was the sex and relationship expert on for four years. I would give advice. It was really fun and all the stuff. Point is, I never watch this Mostly because I'm like, probably filled with self hatred. Like, I don't want to watch what I was doing. That's painful.
- [54:47]
A
Yeah.
- [54:47]
B
I, you know, I don't want to, like, have to relive it. Like it was enough to do it.
- [54:54]
A
Usually, usually there's a reason why people don't watch themselves or do watch themselves. Like, there are plenty of actors that are too uncomfortable to sit through their movies.
- [55:08]
B
Right.
- [55:09]
A
And they're too self conscious about it.
- [55:11]
B
Right.
- [55:12]
A
And we've all been there and, and I'm, I, I have elements of that, but most of it is just lazy.
- [55:21]
B
Yeah, there's that too.
- [55:22]
A
It's just pure lethargy, which is, which is sad. But I do know, I do know there can be an uncomfortable element.
- [55:30]
B
Yeah.
- [55:30]
A
And then there's an element of people oftentimes don't like the way they physically look. Not.
- [55:36]
B
Right.
- [55:37]
A
Your case. But in other cases, people go like, I don't like the way I look on camera. Right. So I don't want to sit there and look at an ugly me on my television set.
- [55:46]
B
Right.
- [55:46]
A
And there's, there's that element as well.
- [55:49]
B
That's, that's an element.
- [55:50]
A
And the camera definitely does add like 10 pounds all to your head. Well, it all, it all depends. I, I have a theory. It's a chick chick driven theory. Go on. All of the women who end up having eating disorders, and it's funny, at this weird revelation the other day I've talked about on this show before, the women that have eating disorders all have sort of plump faces, round sort of faces, and they see themselves on camera and their face looks full on camera. Don't make that face.
- [56:31]
B
Go on. I have.
- [56:32]
A
Because you don't have a plump face.
- [56:33]
B
I do. I kind of do. Go on.
- [56:35]
A
It's the exact opposite of the Kirstie Alley syndrome, which is a very thin face. Thus, if you take a look at Kirsty first off, Kirstie Alley went from one of the most beautiful women on tv. Don't make that.
- [56:49]
B
I wouldn't. I just don't agree with that. But go on.
- [56:51]
A
When you see her. I'm not old.
- [56:53]
B
Cheers.
- [56:54]
A
Old Cheers. I'm not saying she was.
- [56:59]
B
She was pretty breathtaking.
- [57:00]
A
No, no. But she was more than pretty. She had like piercing blue eyes. Yes. Or green or blue eyes. Right, blue eyes. She had a very like angular face. She was. You take a look at her in her heyday, whatever look who's talking to or whatever movie she did or Cheers or something. She was striking. Is probably a Little bit. A little bit. A bit of hyperbole. But she was very attractive woman, and she managed to get up to £300. And if you take a look at her during the interim, like at 1:65,180.
- [57:38]
B
She was still hot.
- [57:40]
A
Her face never changed. So you'd see her go on the Tonight show, and all of a sudden she's wearing these sort of flowing gowns, like she's in heart, you know, like she's Stevie Nicks or something. Like all of a sudden, because she has to cover her ass up, right? But when she. When you show the tight shot of her on camera, it doesn't look like she's gained an ounce. So what happens is when your face gets fat, you go home, you see yourself on the Tonight show, and you go, oh, Jesus Christ, I got a pumpkin head. I got to put that donut down and do it. Her ass went past her face because for years you didn't know she was getting fat. We didn't know Kirstie Alley was getting fat till she got to £300.
- [58:21]
B
I really do agree with part of this, and I think that's important to acknowledge, because you've seen these posters. I don't know what she's doing now, but have you seen these posters?
- [58:28]
A
Yes.
- [58:28]
B
And I'm like, that's not keerstieli. It says Keirci Alley. I'm like, that's not keerstiali. Because the whole thing about her, she's big because it just shows her face.
- [58:35]
A
And her face looks like it's on 125 pound body, not at 255.
- [58:41]
B
But here's my spiel. You know, I'm like into recovery and all of that stuff. Eating disorders don't develop because you go on camera and you see your face, it looks fat. I mean, eating disorders are based around the same thing that alcoholism and addiction is based around, which is like a desire to control a dysfunction and, you know, excess and sort of trying to escape your feelings, you know?
- [59:02]
A
I agree.
- [59:03]
B
And probably she has just as much of an eating disorder. I don't know. But as some anorexic girl who throws up and is bulimic, too, because it's all food obsession.
- [59:14]
A
There are a whole bunch of things that are ingrained early on that can be activated by the environment to some degree.
- [59:24]
B
To some degree.
- [59:25]
A
And you take a look at, like, Tracy Gold from Growing Pains. Growing Pains or something, and you take a look. A lot of these actresses who had the eating disorder, they have full faces, they look heavier than they look in real life on camera. So they have to become emaciated in order to get their head down to a size that looks normal.
- [59:48]
B
I'm not saying theory has no merit.
- [59:50]
A
It has tons of merit. I just real. I just. And guys are the same way. There are guys who have that sort of. It just in real life have that perpetually thin face, and they'll get a big fat gut on them. And it's like no one, they never. They're not shaving, going, I got to lose weight. You know what I'm saying?
- [60:10]
B
But they are getting naked in the shower.
- [60:12]
A
They see the gut. But Kirstie Alley had a huge ass and a huge gut. But she would wear this flowing shit and she'd walk out on Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her ass got plenty big and her face never changed until someone took that picture. She would just wear flowing, more flowing shit. But she never went on a diet. If Jennifer Love Hewitt turn on the ghost whisper or whatever she's on and saw a big fat pumpkin head staring back on her, she would have lost the weight before the fat ass. Now the fat ass pictures came out, right?
- [60:42]
B
She lost it. Like, it was like month later, my.
- [60:45]
A
I was talking to somebody about my prom date was in high school who had like a cardiac problem and died when she was off at college. She was like 22 or 23 when she died. And I was kind of going over it. I didn't know it. I just knew she had a heart attack like later on in life. And it was really sad. We just went to the prom. We knew each other, but we didn't really date or anything. And then somebody said, oh, yeah, well, that's what happens with an eating disorder. And I thought, oh, she had an eating disorder. I didn't know she had an eating disorder. And then I pictured her super pretty. This is not going to hold up in court, obviously, and this is sort of circumstantial, but she was a very super pretty girl who was never overweight. But she did have a sort of poor plump face. And I realized, oh, it fits in nicely to my theory. But in order to get that face sucked in, you have to be unnaturally thin. I'm telling you.
- [61:50]
B
Okay, I'm not saying there's nothing to it. I'm just not sure what you can do with it, aside from, like, tell people.
- [61:58]
A
If the chicks with the round faces who are on TV should be monitored or need or have to watch themselves, because these are the ones that end up with the eating disorder.
- [62:08]
B
It's interesting I mean, I don't know. Like, I'm from Marin county, which is, like, land of the eating disorders.
- [62:13]
A
It is.
- [62:14]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [62:14]
A
Really? So beautiful.
- [62:16]
B
It's so beautiful. Well, you know, and everyone's money. What are they gonna worry about? Like, their bodies?
- [62:21]
A
Yeah.
- [62:21]
B
And. And my family's very obsessive, like, about, like, exercise and eating and, like, all this stuff. So I was like, I know a lot about this stuff. I happen. It's kind of like panic attacks. Like, I never had it. Like, I can't quite believe I never had it. Like, I never had it.
- [62:37]
A
Yeah.
- [62:38]
B
I seem like. I mean, I have alcoholism. I got issues, like anxiety. So I would think.
- [62:42]
A
Was your mom a perfectionist?
- [62:44]
B
Yeah. I mean, my mom is 98 pounds. Like, she does no body fat. They're obsessed.
- [62:49]
A
Usually the eating disorder women are usually the ones that got pushed into ballet.
- [62:55]
B
I got pushed into ballet.
- [62:57]
A
Oops.
- [62:57]
B
I know. I was set up for an eating disorder.
- [62:59]
A
You want to barf into the trash can?
- [63:01]
B
I've never. Oh. Like, since I've been sober, I've not thrown up. Like, I don't like throwing up. I'm convinced is about 40,000 times more painful for me than it is for other people. Like, the thought of bringing that about, it's upsetting.
- [63:14]
A
Well, you don't need to. Which, I know it sounds somewhat demeaning, but, I mean, you don't need to.
- [63:21]
B
She needs to throw up. You don't need to throw up.
- [63:23]
A
Kirsty Alley.
- [63:24]
B
No, but she could vomit growing up. Because I've been exposed to so many eating disorders, I'll tell you that vomiting doesn't even really work. I've known a lot of big bulimic.
- [63:31]
A
Oh, really?
- [63:31]
B
Yeah. Well, think about it. You know, it's like, got time. I'm no scientist, but, like, it's got time to go into your. Like. I don't know.
- [63:37]
A
I'm doing opposite math on that, which is I just ate, like, two chili dogs, and then as soon as I was done finishing the second one, I just heaved them up. I feel like that'd be a nice calorie.
- [63:46]
B
I'm just telling you, I've known some bigger bulimic girls.
- [63:50]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [63:51]
B
I'm so glad that we're talking about my book so much.
- [63:53]
A
I know.
- [63:53]
B
Awesome.
- [63:54]
A
Well, look, they're people that eat their way through a lap band, too.
- [63:58]
B
What's the lap man? That's like that thing that pretends you're exercising.
- [64:01]
A
No, it's a stomach stomach stapler.
- [64:03]
B
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [64:05]
A
That's. It That's a real dedication to being fat.
- [64:08]
B
Or you, if you're gonna do that.
- [64:09]
A
And then zip tie, put on your belly, and you're able to eat your way through it.
- [64:13]
B
It's like one of these things you can't control, though, you know, like, oh.
- [64:17]
A
Well, you were able to control your.
- [64:18]
B
Cocaine abuse because it's like, you know, spiritual solution. I mean, which isn't interesting for this show, but, like, that's what it is. It's not like I have great willpower. It's not like I'm like, I want to drink. I really want to go do coke.
- [64:29]
A
Oh, you think it was a spiritual solution?
- [64:31]
B
I mean, I know it was a spiritual solution. It is.
- [64:33]
A
What does that mean?
- [64:34]
B
What it means is that, like, my desire to do that stuff got taken away.
- [64:38]
A
How?
- [64:39]
B
I. I mean, whatever. I feel like, sort of like this isn't the great perfect environment to talk about it, but, like, it's never a.
- [64:47]
A
Good time to talk about a spiritual solution.
- [64:49]
B
My point, you only mock it.
- [64:51]
A
We should get. No, I'm not gonna mock it.
- [64:52]
B
Well, I just. I mean, I'm entirely serious about this. That basically, like, I was someone who could not leave my house without ingesting vats of cocaine. Like, I certainly couldn't go to a party. I also smoked. I smoked a pack and a half cigarettes a day. And, like, I needed these things in order to be among people or even just to be with myself. And when I sort of went into recovery and started following what these people told me to do, my desire to do that stuff just went away. Like, literally, I woke up. I don't want to do it anymore. And so since that doesn't make any logical sense, how could that not be something spiritual?
- [65:31]
A
Well, I think there are ways.
- [65:33]
B
It doesn't make sense. I mean, because people go to me, God, you have amazing willpower. Like, you have so much. I have no willpower. Like, Right. Yeah. I was eating the girl stout cookies out there because I.
- [65:42]
A
What? Those are my fucking cookies.
- [65:44]
B
First of all.
- [65:44]
A
Trefoils.
- [65:45]
B
The. The peanut butter ones were, like, from the 80s.
- [65:47]
A
We got people ones.
- [65:48]
B
They were so disgusting. I don't know what that is, but.
- [65:51]
A
I don't eat the peanut butter ones.
- [65:53]
B
I open the chocolate ones and barf.
- [65:55]
A
Up the peanut butter once into my coffee mug. All right, so you've had a spiritual awakening intervention, whatever it is.
- [66:06]
B
Yes.
- [66:07]
A
And spiritual from within or spiritual from an outside?
- [66:12]
B
I mean, I don't source. I don't. I can't exactly, like, say what I think. I'm wary of those people who can say, like, oh, well, it's God and it's the man and he's got a beard. Like, I actually don't know. I just know it didn't come from me, right? Because I know on my own, I tried to stop. I got 10 days sober on my own, and I was taking, like, pain pills the whole time. Just like a good Jew surgery. Told you. A good Jew.
- [66:37]
A
That's what jury says.
- [66:38]
B
And I was miserable. And all I talked about was, I haven't had a drink in eight days.
- [66:41]
A
Right?
- [66:41]
B
I haven't had a drink in nine days. And now it's been. It'll be 10 years in November.
- [66:45]
A
Wow.
- [66:46]
B
And so that's not me. That's not because I'm so awesome and strong. It's because, well, why don't you own it? No, I am awesome and strong. But, see, I take direction. You told me to own it. I owned it.
- [66:58]
A
You were strong. You wouldn't have ate all my Girl Scout cookies.
- [67:01]
B
I ate one. But the point is that, like, it's not just. It's not me. It's like, I can't take credit for it, really.
- [67:08]
A
But can I ask you this? Is it possible? And I just mean, this is my theory. When I ask if it's possible, is it possible that you're externalizing this so that you don't feel out of control? Like, if you internalized it and went, this is me, and it's my spirit, it's my free will not to do this stuff, that you could slip up and do it again. And yet if you made it an external power that you lived sort of under the umbrella of, then there'd be less chance of you doing it to me, if you. If you internalized it right Then. Then you could have. Have another. Do a bump of cocaine after the show. But if it's an external power that will prevent you from doing a bump of cocaine.
- [67:56]
B
That's a good question. But I don't know. I mean, because the subconscious is a crazy thing. Who knows? Somewhere in there that's possible. But, like, no, because. Because I could do it. I could go and, like you said, do it now. You know, because I've seen people who, like, have 20 years sober who do that. But, like, it's. It's not. It's. That's how I experience it. It's not like that. I've set it up. Like, I'm gonna say if I believe it's external, then, like, more likely to do it.
- [68:25]
A
But then how did you get in Touch with this external power and not recognize external power before you're survived.
- [68:33]
B
It never occurred to me to recognize an external power before.
- [68:36]
A
But if it existed.
- [68:38]
B
Well, it only exists if you acknowledge it.
- [68:41]
A
Oh well the things that only exist if you acknowledge them don't exist.
- [68:45]
B
Well, no, it's like if you. I think this is true. Like you know the horoscopes are printed at every paper now. I think they're bullshit but somebody who believes in them goes and they read their horoscope and they go oh my God, this is so true. And then they go out and they have an experience that validates the truth of that thing that they read. I think there are a lot of things that are only true if you believe in them. Yeah, so? So if I didn't believe in it, it never occurred to me before. Why like so of course it wouldn't be true for me, right?
- [69:17]
A
Well, no, I do know what you mean but you're sort of saying, almost saying two things at once. Like it, well, you're saying this does exist, but it didn't exist until I thought it existed.
- [69:30]
B
That's true. I don't think that's two things.
- [69:33]
A
Well it's, it's one and a half things.
- [69:36]
B
I think it's.
- [69:37]
A
To me, I'm an atheist.
- [69:38]
B
I know that's, it's kind of like my. Yeah, it's.
- [69:41]
A
Listen, I'm glad you're not doing coke. Although you know, if you want to have a beer after the show, that definitely be alright with me. But I'm not trying to talk you out of your sobriety. I'm actually trying to compliment you and get you to take more credit for your sobriety.
- [69:58]
B
Yeah, I hear you, I hear you.
- [70:01]
A
All right. I think we should go out on my positive half assed compliment. What do you think?
- [70:05]
B
Oh we could, we could.
- [70:06]
A
Let's remind people maybe about this book Reality Matters.
- [70:09]
B
19 writers come clean about the shows. I can't stop watching. We can't stop watching. And the only thing I'm going to say is if you hate reality shows, if you love reality shows, you like this book. Some of the essays are a lot more interesting than some of the shows they're writing about.
- [70:22]
A
Again, a good note to go out on Anna David. Fascinating. Come back anytime.
- [70:27]
B
Thank you.
- [70:27]
A
Had a good time talking to you. Yeah, sobriety maybe. Get Dr. Drew in here. So until next time, this Adam Corolla 4 Anna David saying mahalo. All right, there's Adam Carolla Show 309 with Anna David. Coming up next is Adam Carolla Show 293 Adam and you, featuring Adam Carolla and you from 2010. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. Another special Sunday afternoon show that's gonna air well, you'll hear it Monday morning. It is Easter, Easter weekend. I just left Jimmy Kimmel's party to come over here and knock this thing out because Donnie just said, hey, we got no show for Monday. So I said, well, we better get one. I'll give you some thoughts, we'll take some phone calls, and then I'll hustle back to the party and pick up my kids and go home and take a nap. Had a couple of Bloody Marys at the party, so you need to excuse me. Couple thoughts. First off, they big party, Jimmy's family and all sorts of people there. Jeff Ross was there and other luminaries you may know from the comedy field. They're there every year. My son Sonny was bouncing around the jumpy castle. I was standing out front of the bouncy inflatable castle holding a cupcake, waiting for him to get out. And I was reading the sign that's embroidered in the front of the jumpy castle. It's like hot glued to the thing and it says, no shoes. Which I always knew about with the jumpy castle. You can't wear shoes in the jumpy castle. But then underneath it, it says, no smoking in the castle. And I thought, wow, you'd really have to have a commitment to smoking if you're just bouncing around the jumpy castle with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth. Then underneath that, it said, no needles. I thought, really? Who's in there with a pocket full of syringes doing somersaults and back handsprings in the jumpy castle? And what percentage of people do take their shoes off but go, you know what? The needles, those are going with me. I'm bringing the syringe in the jumpy castle. So even though the syringe thing seemed like a no shit, Sherlock for the jumpy castle, there it was emblazoned on the front step. It's really more of a slide or ramp than it is a step, but either way, I was just looking at that moments ago, having a laugh. You guys should know that we're going to be out in Ontario at the improv that is this coming Wednesday. We're doing this whole new interactive thing. Donnie's got the computer and he has a projector worked out, and we're showing a lot of slides from back in the day and old pictures, and even go going over my Social Security statement that says how much I made from 1980-19. Why should I say 2004? Little things like that, as well as Donnie on the Internet pulling up pictures. It's live and interactive. And again, it's at the Ontario Improv that is this Wednesday. Come see us. So a couple thoughts. Had a interesting moment today. I was lying around my bed. Somebody sent me an email that said that the Filipino community is angry at you over what you said about Manny Pacquiao and Filipinos and blah, blah, blah. And I was lying in the bed and I was thinking what a pain in the ass this job is. You make some jokes, you try to be funny, you try to be interesting, you try to be provocative, and next thing you know, you got a bunch of Filipinos up your ass. And I thought, why can't everyone just mellow out? And then I started thinking about Howard Stern and I thought, that poor guy, he's been doing this his whole life. And he just did this whole thing with Precious and how the actress, Gabby, whatever her name is, from Lead from Precious. He said she was too fat, and everyone got up his ass for it. And then the phone rang and it was Howard Stern. And I guess he was driving home from the Hamptons with Beth, and we just started talking and sort of lamenting. He actually saw me on Dancing with the Stars and just wanted to compliment me on my work and said he was going to be out in the middle of May, and he rarely comes out to la. It's weird for a guy who's as big a star as he is, you think he'd be getting out to la, you know, minimum three times a year. It feels like Stern comes out once every five or six years. And I think he doesn't like to travel, and that's part of it. But you still think that guy would just for meetings or whatever, would be out more than he is. But he's coming out in the middle of May, and me, him and Jimmy are going to hang out. We're trying to work that out. But I was talking to him about, you know, basically the job of talking for a living and saying things and having people react to it. And he said, yeah, he said, you know what? He said, it's not like it's scripted. It's not like you sit down and script this shit. He said, you're trying to be funny and you're trying to be interesting and timely and provocative. And then somebody calls up and throws out a topic, and you go off on it for eight minutes, and then next thing you know, you get into trouble. But if you sat down and scripted the whole thing, you would script it differently. Like, you'd say different things and you'd emphasize different syllables and you'd realize, well, this is a little unfair or this is a little bit harsh, or I'm going to come across sounding like this if I say it that way. But since none of it's scripted, it just comes out the way it comes out. So we had that conversation. Also talked about, I guess Beth is coming out here to do Jimmy Kimmel show in the middle of May, and he's coming out with her, and we'll all hang out and have a good time. But it was funny that I was lying around my bed thinking about Howard Stern and the phone rang. It's not like I talk to him every day. Also, a couple things. I did Larry King's show a couple of days back, and Jeff Probst was the guest moderator, taking Larry's place. And Jeff's great from Survivor, and I did it with Dr. Drew and a couple other people. But I went home and my wife said, how'd it go? And I said, clusterfuck, as per usual. And then I really started to realize what era we're living in as far as entertainment goes. It was me and Dr. Drew, and the chick in between us was the chick that got dumped by Torri Spelling's new husband to move on with Tori Spelling. Let me get my shirt thing worked out here. And then there was like another chick on satellite. And so they would talk to us for a couple of beats, and. And then they'd go to the chick on satellite, and Jeff would talk to the chick on satellite. While he was talking to the chick on satellite, we couldn't say anything. And then he'd come back and Dr. Drew would give a ooh. And then Jeff would say, hold on. Hold that thought. We have to go to commercial. And then we'd go to commercial, and then we'd come back and he'd say, I'm here with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolin, the chick that got dumped by Torres Spelling's new beautiful. But hold on, we have another chick on satellite. And then they talk to the chick on satellite with the weird stilted two second delay thing. And he talked to her for a few minutes, and then he'd come back again, and then Drew would go, and Jeff would go, we have to go to break. And they go to break again. Then to come back and they pull, slide us all over one chair, and they'd have a fourth panelist on there. And I just thought, jesus Christ, can people just fucking talk anymore? Why does everything have to be so fucking front loaded? What's this thing where you have three panelists? So you have a moderator, interviewer, Jeff Probst, perfectly capable guy, and you have three interesting, funny, educated, whatever people sitting on the other side of the desk, and you have to bring a fourth person in from Bristol, England, to talk about nothing with a weird two second delay, and then come back again, and then when you come back, you have to move the three panelists over and put a fourth fucking person on the chair. And I just thought, wise tv. What. What is. Do they not trust that people can speak and be entertaining and interesting? What's with the clusterfuck thing that's going on? Is it pissing you guys off as much as it's pissing me off? There's nothing worse than sitting there in a panel for an hour not being able to fucking talk. You just sit there and it's like one big long. Oh, hold on, Drew. Wait, Adam, wait. Hold up. Hold those thoughts. Hold those thoughts. We got to go to break. We'll come back, we'll hear what Drew has to say, and then they come back. Drew, quickly, three seconds. Well, I just think. Thank Drew. Thank you, Adam. What? Okay, hold on. We're going back up to the satellite. I don't know. It used to be Tom Snyder sat there, he had a guest on his show, and he spoke to. To that guest for a period of time, and you felt satisfied, like, all right, this is what the guest has to say about this topic. Now it's nine guests, Someone on the satellite, somebody being skyped in, another guy underneath the desk blowing everyone and holding up index cards with comments on it, and nothing accomplished. Just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And I thought, why are we so fucking insecure? Like, why can't we just sit down and talk? If you want to know, the topic was infidelity, by the way. If you want to know, then Jeff Probst can just sit down with Dr. Drew and have an interesting conversation with Dr. Drew about infidelity. But you don't have to include the chick who wrote the book on being a mistress who lives in England and the chick who runs the How We Catch Him Detective service, which she goes out as decoys and tricks guys into cheating. And by the way, trying to find out if your husband or boyfriend's a cheater by putting a Hot chick who's undercover next to your boyfriend at a bar and asking your boyfriend or husband if she can buy him a drink, and then wants to know if they want to go back up to her room. That's not a good way to find out whether the guy's a cheater or not. I basically explained, and I still stand by this. I said it's like saying all criminals are criminals. Breaking into a liquor store and holding a pistol under a guy's throat and saying, empty the cash register. That's a criminal. Walking down the street and finding a wallet on the ground with no ID and 100 bucks worth of 20s in it. I don't know that that's a criminal. That's not an honest person. The wallet should go to the lost and found, But I don't know. As a society, I don't think we have a problem with those kind of criminals. That's my whole take on the whole thing. And your husband could be a cheater, but he could be a find the wallet cheater versus. Thank you, Donnie. Versus a break into the liquor store cheater. All right, let's see. Take some phone calls. Let's talk to Steve. Steve? Yeah. What's going on, Steve?
- [82:29]
C
Hey, Adam.
- [82:31]
A
How you doing? Good, Steve. What's happening? Good.
- [82:34]
C
Hey, I got a question. When you were Back. When you were a Christian big brother.
- [82:39]
A
Catholic big brother? Yes.
- [82:41]
C
Yeah. Did you ever. Did you ever get a hint that the kid was asking for a big brother that didn't complain as much?
- [82:48]
A
Did I ever get the hint that a kid was asking for a big brother that didn't complain as much? No, I didn't complain that much back then. I just picked him up in my Zuzu Trooper, drove him to the beach. We sat there, and I. You know, I wasn't so much of a loudmouth back then. It's hard to be a loud man.
- [83:08]
C
I heard some of the stories of the guys he had roommates with back then. They said you were a complainer back then.
- [83:13]
A
I was. I was a complainer, but not in front of a 12 year old. Like, he didn't. He was a very quiet kid, and he didn't bounce much stuff back, and I knew he didn't really have much going on, and I knew there wasn't much to complain about. Like, what people need to know about me is I'm loud. I'm a complainer. I like to talk. I like to whine. I like to bitch and moan.
- [83:36]
B
I.
- [83:37]
A
But you put me in a van that says, always better closets on it and put me with three born again gang bangers and tell me we gotta drive out to Huntington beach and install a closet. I'm not gonna talk. I'll be sitting in that van with three born again gang bangers and I won't be talking. The reason is those guys can't absorb what I'm saying. I only want to talk to people that can, like, absorb what I'm saying. If you think about it, you could talk your fucking ear off to your dog, but your dog doesn't know what the fuck. He doesn't know the difference between Oscar Wilde and Oscar Mayer. Wow. Write that down. The point is. The point is, is I will be. Even Donnie will probably attest to this. I can be very, very quiet in front of people who don't pick up what I'm putting down and aren't on my wavelength. And I'll meet somebody's. My wife will have a friend and I'll meet her boyfriend and I'll size the guy up as I don't want to talk to this guy. And then I'll get. I've been yelled at many times for not talking, just standing there silently because I've deemed that the person I'm talking to can't absorb what I'm saying or won't be a good partner for what I have to say.
- [84:54]
C
So around. I got it. So around what age do you think your kids are going to start getting the brunt of the complaining?
- [85:04]
A
Well, they're already getting it. Just secondhand complaining. Like, as if I was a smoker and just kitchen. Just gonna be. I. Here's my whole thing. I don't want to complain to people who can't absorb my complaints. So I won't jump into the back of a cab and complain to the back of a guy's turbine about what's going on in society. Because I know that guy. Or at least I perceived that that guy doesn't have the capacity to absorb what I'm saying. I will define or at least try to ascertain when my kids are capable of absorbing that. And then I will start filling their sea sponge with my vitriol. But I can't pick an age. It could be eight. But tell me. Be honest, Steve. And I know you know you're possibly being a pain in the ass, but I'm taking this pretty seriously.
- [86:01]
C
No, I'm serious.
- [86:02]
A
You know what I'm talking about. Where you go to a party and you'll know it. You, for instance, like when you start dating a girl or A significant other or a work situation, whatever. And somebody says like, oh, I want you to meet my father. And all of a sudden an 81 year old guy comes up and starts shaking your hand. Nice to meet you. And his hearing's not quite very good. And you realize I'm not going to talk to this guy about the podcast. Absolutely. He doesn't know shit about the computer. He's not a Mac guy. He's never been to itunes. You know, I'm not going to say that guy, hey, we're the number one podcast on iTunes. Because I know podcast doesn't mean anything to him and itunes doesn't mean anything to him. I'm not going to get into my complaints with this old dude.
- [86:45]
C
Right, right, right.
- [86:46]
A
So you just, you're going to show reverence and you go, nice to meet you.
- [86:51]
C
He's going to be like, like Dave Osborne, who every time you mentioned podcast to him, he's like, what, the sewing machine?
- [86:56]
A
Right. And if you say, if you say, you know, if he asked you, well, what do you do? You'll give him some sort of cryptic umbrella answer like, I'm in broadcasting. But you won't get in all specifics about bandwidth and all that kind of shit, because you just know he's not capable of understanding it. Well, I'm the same way with complaining. If you show me a little kid or someone who doesn't speak good English or whatever, I'll just go, fuck it. I won't talk. I'll save my breath.
- [87:23]
C
So you're, you're, so you're getting driven from the airport from the guy with the turbine. You're kind of silent on it. You're thinking about who else you'll call, but you're getting driven back to the airport from Alec Baldwin's driver. You might be all into it.
- [87:37]
A
Exactly. It's. It's not a racial thing, but it's just a sort of who can absorb my shit. That's right. That's where I'm at. So I, I now, by the way, to me, it's the definition of crazy. Just to talk to the back of someone's head who doesn't understand a fucking word you're saying. Of course, that is the definition. That's what I don't do. Yeah. So thanks, Steve.
- [88:00]
C
Well, thanks a lot, Adam.
- [88:01]
A
Appreciate it, buddy.
- [88:03]
C
All right, take care.
- [88:04]
A
All right. Ooh, little disconnecty thing. Let's talk to Mark. Mark, Adam, what's going on?
- [88:12]
C
First off, and I know this is well in the works, but just let Me underscore the collective desire to get you up here to Seattle. I think we could get a great contingent of Seattle fan out of Starbucks and off their houseboats for a knife.
- [88:27]
A
Or killer live show. Love me some Seattle. Love that town. Love the people in that town. Well, as a matter of fact, I don't even know if I love the people in Seattle. I just walk through Seattle and I go, whoever lives here must be cool because this place is so clean and so nice, as opposed to la. Now, we do have plans to come to Seattle and we shall be coming soon. So we'll be seeing you when we come to Seattle, Mark. Thank you. Beautiful.
- [88:53]
C
I can't wait. So I got bit by the Ace bug literally days before the conclusion of your morning radio show. So I'm still kind of filling in gaps in the Ace man lore, as it were. So I'm curious as to the exact origins of what Can't Adam complain about?
- [89:14]
A
When did it go from being something.
- [89:16]
C
You just sort of did anyway to being more like a comedic cash cow? If you could humor me, I'd like to ask if you could complain about what Can't Adam complain about?
- [89:31]
A
I shall. First I'll answer your question and then remind me to complain about complaining in the world of radio, especially if it's a situation like I was in where we didn't play any songs and we did four hours and it was a lot of talking. In the world of radio, what you try to do is you try to compartmentalize things and you try to try to sort of put titles to things like, we'll do this bit, we'll do that bit, we'll do the other bit. There's a reason why when you tune into radio and they go, well, it's two for Tuesday or it's Wednesday and we give out all the celebrity birthdays on Wednesday. There's all sorts of things. They're just basically things you can hang your hat on. And what I'm saying is this picture, you have a big cork board and a bunch of pins, right? And you have a bunch of like three by five cards. And the thing says Monday, 6am and then it goes down to the bottom and it says 10am and then it says Tuesday, 6am and down at the bottom is 10am and it goes all the way Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, goes all the way through the week and everything is empty. There's nothing in the 6 o' clock hour, the 7, 8, 9 o' clock hour. Well, when you do radio, what you want to do is you Want to start getting those cards? And you want those cards to say, like, what can Adam complain about? And you want to put a pin in them and you want to go, hey man, for the first break on Wednesday at 8 o', clock, we will do what's on this card, what can Adam complain about? And we'll put together a little intro and put some music, put a music bed under it and we'll do a little countdown thing. And that'll be one more thing we don't have to think about this week. And then next week will come around and someone will go, what are we going to do on Monday's show? And someone will go, well, why don't you pull the pin out of last week's Wednesday show where it said what can't Adam complain about? And just pin it in the 6 o' clock hour Monday show and then at the 6:20 break on Monday, we won't have to worry about that because we'll do what can am complain about. So when you do a radio show, and it's no different than when we did the man show the first, when.
- [91:47]
C
Did it go from this organic thing of something you just sort of did anyway to where someone, a program director, somebody realized, yeah, this guy complains like Stevie Ray Vaughan plays the guitar.
- [91:58]
A
Program director. Program director now more like, how much fighting did you have to do with the program? Let me just go off on. I'm not going to mention any names, but yes, this is what fucking program directors are supposed to fucking be doing. This is what they're supposed to do, but they never do that. No idea would ever come out of a program director's mouth that went, hey, what is my talent? Strength? Can we play to a strength? What does he seem to gravitate toward? What do people seem to enjoy? What is his unique talent? No, that would never ever come out of the voice of a program director ever. Their idea is, how about you give out the time and how about we do the Wing bowl? That's huge in Philly. They would never ever. And no program director, no executive, no producer, nobody I've ever worked with outside of the Donnys of the world and the bald Bryans of the world, the Mike Lynch's of the world and the Angie's of the world and Jimmy Kimmel and people like that. Those people have been fine. Like, hey, this is what you do. It'd be funny if we did this. No program director, no producer and no suit has ever pulled me aside and went, hey man, you know what you're pretty good at. Perhaps we should try to nurture that and see if we can't get it on the air. They do not do that. They should do that. They should fucking do that. But they never ever do it. All they do is argue with you when you want to do it. And the reason they argue with you is because people before you haven't done it. So they don't go, they don't go, hey, what can. Hey, I got a great idea. Ace man, how about what? What can I complain about? No, they go, hey, I got a great idea. When I used to produce Rick D's in 1982, this is what he would do. So why don't you do that too? That's all they can do. That's all they ever do at every level, television and radio.
- [93:57]
C
And it's like a self fulfilling thing because now instead of having talent on the morning show, they just got Lady Gaga playing. It's void of anything actually interesting.
- [94:06]
A
Yeah, they're not interested in being interesting, believe you me. And they didn't get where they are through being interesting. And no, that has never been a program. There's no good idea that's ever come from a program director's mouth that I've ever dealt with other than here's what program directors do. Program directors do an apology driven radio, which is louder, faster, roll more calls and get the fuck off the air. Move, move, move. The whole time I was at kroc, my program director said, take more calls, take more calls, take more calls. We'd meet once every six months, we'd sit down, he'd say, take more calls. I'd say will do. And then go back and take four calls in two hours. And then six months later we'd sit down and say take more calls. And I'd go back and take four calls in two hours. Roll calls. All they can do, all TV producers can do and all radio producers can do and program directors can do is tell you to go faster. That's the whole thing. Faster with louder music, beds. It's an apology. They don't have content. And when you don't have content, you have to go faster and you have to pump up the volume. And that's all they know. If you do have someone who can provide content, they don't give a shit. Here's what it is. I'll tell you exactly what it is. Look, this is going to sound like sour grapes or whatever it is. It's the gods of honest truth. It's what's wrong with 90% of TV and 90% of radio, there was a format that was put into place. And that format was put into place to apologize for people who weren't interesting, who weren't provocative, who weren't funny, who couldn't think on their feet, who couldn't do what can't Adam complain about? It's literally impossible for other DJs to do that. Why? They're marginal talents. I hate to sound like a jack off, but it's true. They can't improvise as fast as I can improvise, pure and simple. End of discussion. Look, I'm sorry to sound like a jack off, but I've said it many times. I'm a good carpenter. I was a good carpenter, and I still am a good carpenter. And if people ask me, are you a good carpenter? I don't go, well, I'm okay, I guess. I'm sure there are many carpenters that are better. I go, fuck, yes, I'm a good carpenter. And they go, well, could you do my. Whatever. Would you. I'd be like, listen, it'd be the best day of your life if I took over your kitchen project and did it because I'm good. But I don't do that. But, yes, I'm a good carpenter. And look, I don't think that makes me a fuck stick. I worked hard at it. I learned the craft of carpentry. I was passionate about it. I did it. You know, I had tons of repetition with it, and I became a good carpenter and a good designer, and I will tell people that. But if you tell people you're funny or fast or you're great at improvisational humor, then it's like, all right, jack off. But to me, it's no different. What's the difference between me doing improvisational humor and me being a good carpenter? I've been at it for the same length of time. You know, when I was done swinging my hammer, I went and took ground length classes, and then I went to Acme. I learned the craft of doing it. I applied it on the radio, I did it over and over again, and I got good at it. It became a skill. Part of it is God given, even though I'm an atheist. And the other part is repetition. But like anything, whatever it is, you're good at. What are you good at, Mark? Music and audio. Right. And you're good at it, right?
- [97:38]
C
I'm pretty good at it.
- [97:39]
A
All right. And part of it is you have a good ear. It's a natural calling. And then the other part is you've worked hard at it, right? You have experience. You don't just wake up and know what a potentiometer is. You know, you work at it. Well, that's what happened with me. And doing improvisational comedy and television and radio is not set up for that. It's not set up. Set up for me. It's set up for people who don't do that. And that's why you give the timeout. I mean, look at it this way. And I know I've brought this up a thousand times, but I was talking to someone about it the other day in radio and our program director at Kaylis X, two years into me making fun of giving out the time and what apology that was and what bullshit that was suggested, one day he popped his head in. He said, hey, man, I got an idea. How about you give out the time? And A, I thought, what show have you been listening to? But then B, I thought, well, we're on in different time zones, so that's impossible to do. And then C, why should you give out the time? Now, just dig this. There was a time when every bank sign had the time and temperature on it, Right. Remember. Remember when billboards would have the time on it? TV commercials and stuff? Like, it'd be like, it's 10:20. Do you know where your children are? Stuff like that. You could call time. Absolutely. Yeah. All right. So you'd be driving up and down the main boulevard in your town and you see, like, signs that said, hey, it's. It's Wachovia bank, and the time is 10:33. Well, why don't they have those signs anymore? Because every single car that's going up and down that boulevard has a clock that's in the car. It's either in the radio or it's on the dashboard. Right. Has there been a car manufactured. I'd be very interested in an answer to this question. Has there been a car manufactured in the last 15 or even 20 years and 20 years go back to 1990 that doesn't have a clock in it? Where the radio doesn't become a clock? Answers no. So clocks have been in every car in the last 20 years, right.
- [100:04]
C
Right.
- [100:05]
A
Now, your microwave has a clock in it. Your cell phone has a clock in it. Yeah. Your VCR has a clock in it. Says, well, there has a clock. Your computer has a clock in it. Everything around your kitchen, your stuff, stove. Now, sometimes your oven has a clock in it. Everything has a clock in it. But what does radio still do? A, it's 10, 26, 26 after the hour, 34 away from the top of the hour. What? Why? Why? I'll tell you why. They're time wasters. They have to apologize for their lack of talent and waste fucking time. Part of it is though, they don't know what talent is. They don't know what's clever, they don't know what's smart. They're. Well of course they're filling in the gaps because they can't figure it out themselves. Jack Silver wishes he had a thousand Danny Bonaduce when I was on the air with him and half of me, there's no doubt about that. Fighting, fucking and drugs. No, that's. Yeah, I mean of course, no, they're not talent oriented but they're time wasting oriented and ironically they like to waste time by giving out the time. Just saying TV and radio, it's one big, it's one big paste up apology, just boom, boom, boom. Music, music, music. You turn on the tv, you watch a commercial for the latest comedy, Smash Cut, Smash Cut. Smash Cut, I'm talking about for a movie. Shot in the groin. Shot in the head. Shot in the groin. Music, music, music. They don't even set up the punch lines and they don't even set sit on them after the person says it. As a matter of fact you can watch it with the TiVo. You can't tell what the jokes are anymore. It's just like pow, boom, pow, pow, pow, boom, pow, pow. It's all an apology for not being funny. And so an elaborate, this infrastructure was set up around people that weren't interesting, that didn't have ideas, that didn't have notions that weren't funny. And then everyone got shoved into that format. And now if you have something funny and interesting to say, you don't have the fucking time to say it because you got to keep moving. Alright, so what can am complain about? That was something that either Mike lynch or Brian or me or somebody, I don't remember who came up with it. We just figured like, look, as long as I'm complaining, might as well put it on a three by five card and put a pin in it, right? And now what can AM complain about? About what can am complain about exactly? Well I will say this about that I'm world class. I believe I could take on almost anyone, even the oldest Jew. And yet I've figured out a way to make a couple of ducats doing it. But I should be a rich man. There should be board games called what Can't Adam Complain about. And hoodies that say it on the back. And a what can Adam complain about Turnpike, you know, with a big sign in front of it, it should be bigger than it is because I don't feel like I've been sufficiently praised for doing something that other people can't do. I don't like the fact that I used to do it on the radio all the time in la and we were like, you know, we're in the top five, but we were never number one or number two. And everyone else is just spinning Duran Duran records and kicking my ass and I'm doing what can am complaining about and like veins are popping out my head and I'm turning blue and I'm busting my hump and I'm doing all this improv and. And like I said, it's nice that guys like Mark from Seattle appreciate it, but you know, it ain't a household phrase. It ain't here come the judge, you know what I'm saying? So that's how I could complain about what Ken am complaining about.
- [103:46]
C
And it's interesting too, because oftentimes you're not complaining as much as you would think. I mean, oftentimes I find you're exposing like some help hypocrisy or some weird contradiction in things, more often kind of packaged in kind of the complaint thing because maybe that's the easier pill to swallow. Oftentimes I find you're just being kind of hypercritical about something that's just kind of messed up that most people don't really see for some reason.
- [104:13]
A
Well, thank you, Mark. I've evolved it. Oops or devolved it. When we do the live show, by the way, coming up in Ontario, you can hear that live this Wednesday when we do it on stage. What can am complain about? I now realize that I'm just attempting to do a comedy routine on anything that somebody yells out, it's really sort of distilled into what it's sort of made up stand up comedy routine. You scream something out and I see if I can do eight or ten minutes on it. But it's not technically complaining about it. So it has evolved or at least evolved a little bit over the years. Let's talk to Scott. Scott. Hmm. All right, Donnie, I'm gonna hit a hold on Scott. Speak to Tony. Tony. Yes. What's going on? Tony?
- [105:12]
C
Hey, spent. How's it going?
- [105:13]
A
Going good, Tony.
- [105:14]
C
Good to hear. Hey, just wanted to say good job everyone's doing over there. I mean even the leave is holding his own.
- [105:21]
A
The wheeze is coming out of a shell.
- [105:25]
C
Yeah, good, good to hear. Yeah. I just had a couple of questions. One being, you know, with you and your guests, you all have such a great chemistry and you know, the dynamic that you have on the show I think would make for really good live tv. Have you been approached by any networks or maybe have approached networks about maybe doing weekly one hour talk show or something similar to what you're doing on the podcast, but just in a, you know, live audience setting or television setting or something like that?
- [105:56]
A
No, we have not, but we will. It's probably a little, little bit forward thinking for television, I guess we will be doing some streaming and getting our shit together and offering a, you know, video component, this show and doing something that's akin to what you're saying. But hopefully we'll be providing that and you'll have that to look forward to fairly shortly.
- [106:23]
C
Gotcha. Well, good to hear. And my other question was, I know the book hasn't even gone to print yet, but are there plans for a book tour?
- [106:32]
A
That's a good question. I'd imagine we would do a book tour. I haven't discussed it with anyone yet, but I think so. I think there will definitely be a book tour or at least someone will at least attempt to get a book tour together. And I would imagine that I would have to be a part of that book tour. And where are you calling from? San Antonio.
- [106:52]
C
Yeah. Texas.
- [106:53]
A
Yeah. Yeah, buddy. What do you do over there, Tony?
- [106:56]
C
I work in the insurance claims industry.
- [106:59]
A
How's that going? A lot of fraud?
- [107:01]
C
No, but a lot of pain in the asses. You know, I deal with total loss claims and nobody wants to hear their car is worth less than they think it is. I get to be called an asshole all day long, basically.
- [107:15]
A
What do you do to figure out what a car is it? Blue Book? Because to me, ebay is the new Kelley Blue Book.
- [107:21]
C
Well, you know, it depends on the insurance company. For instance, the insurance company I work with, they actually have a company that will go out and do a survey of the local area. The survey, see what vehicles have been sold for recently from dealerships and private sales and things like that. They don't, they don't turn a blue book or NDA or anything like that for it because those prices are usually higher than the formula they're going to have.
- [107:47]
A
But speaking of that, like, I can definitely see the frustration. Like I've had that situation done where you want to get a loan and so you get your house appraised and not the house you're gonna buy, but the house you're living in to see how much money you can borrow on this loan, right? And the guy comes up and he has his little wheel with the counter thing on it, and he's rolling it around the driveway in the yard, and he's taking some measurements and he's looking at some comps and this, that, and the other. And then he comes up and he gives you a price. And I can't remember all that specific, so we'll just speak in round numbers. He'll go at the end of the day, goes, your house was appraised for a million dollars. And you go, well, that's ridiculous. It's worth $1.5 million. And then someone says, yeah, I know, but they always round down. They always play it safe. And then my argument is, well, if you're going to fucking round down or do something other than what it's worth, what the fuck are you here for? Like, anybody could just go, oh, that watch. Yeah, it's a $10,000 watch, but I'm going to say it's worth $6,000. Well, I don't need an expert to tell me what something's not worth, especially if it's not its actual value. What the fuck are you doing? And I've had that happen a bunch of times where I've, like, had my house appraised, and then they. When the appraise comes back, just because I'm hip to the, you know, the market and real estate and Donnie's mom's realtor and she's on top of it, you know, it like. You know, it's your house, like. Tony, do you live in a house?
- [109:25]
C
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
- [109:26]
A
How much is it worth?
- [109:29]
C
Well, with the market taking a hit, I think it's only like 116, 120.
- [109:33]
A
All right, let's just say your house is worth 120. But you. You have a pretty good idea of what your house is worth, right?
- [109:39]
C
Yeah.
- [109:40]
A
Right. So what if an appraiser. What if I was just an appraiser and I just came on as I looked at your house, I looked around, I took some measurements, I wrote some shit down on a clipboard, and then I went 75k. And you'd be like, it's not worth 75k. It's worth at least 115. I'd be like, yeah, I praise low because that's the way the banks like it. And it's like, what the fuck do you need me for then?
- [110:04]
C
Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah. And you know, it's one of these jobs that's kind of just a made up position just so someone can have something to do, I guess.
- [110:11]
A
Yes. And my feeling is I had a guy come appraise my house. He was way off and I said, don't pay the guy. And as far as the banks go, and I know I'm getting off topic here because you do. You do the car stuff, but as far as the banks, how about you tell the bank exactly what the house is worth to the best of your ability, and then they can loan whatever percentage they want to loan based on knowing exactly what your house is worth. But when the guy comes in to appraise Tony's house, tell him it's worth between 110 and 120. Don't tell him it's worth 70 grand, tell him it's worth what it's actually worth. And then the bank can decide to lend you 70 or 50 or 115, whatever it is, just give them the actual information. Because why the fuck do I have to pay a professional appraiser who's a fuck up?
- [111:02]
C
Yeah, no, exactly. And sometimes you'll have banks too, where, whether, because I worked banking before, whether you have it be a house or a car, where they'll be willing, you know, to pay the high nada value because it's more money for them to lend that they can make more money off of interest on you too.
- [111:20]
A
Oh, really?
- [111:21]
C
Yeah. You'll have the opposite effect as well too, in some cases. Well, out here especially, I see it. I saw it a lot when I was in it. So you'll have them, you know, say the collateral on a car is the high, you know, nada. That way they can lend you all of it if they need it because they're going to make it back on interest, or at least they hope they do. And you don't, you know, go bankrupt or anything like that. And with the houses, you know, you can either go with whatever the county assesses the tax value at or, you know, if you go get an appraiser and they happen to value it higher, well, then, you know you're right. Is the bank's decision to decide what they're going to lend on it. If they want to lend higher than what it's worth, you know, and you pay it back, you know, then, you know they're in the. They're in the black, you know, they're happy about that.
- [112:00]
A
Let's not bring race into this, Tony. 120, 100, 1500 20K. See, out here, you couldn't get a.
- [112:10]
C
Well, you couldn't get a shot out.
- [112:11]
A
There for that outhouse.
- [112:13]
C
I know, but.
- [112:15]
A
Yeah, in San Antonio. Decent place for 120k.
- [112:19]
C
Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, it's a split level, two car garage, you know, can't complain. It's only four and a half years old.
- [112:26]
A
Wow. So awesome. That's. Why would anyone live out here? All right, thanks, buddy.
- [112:32]
C
Thanks, Nathan.
- [112:34]
A
All right, let's see. Let's try Max. Max. Yes. What's going on, Max? Not much.
- [112:40]
C
How you doing?
- [112:40]
A
Thanks for calling.
- [112:42]
C
Oh, thank you for having me. I'm a big fan. Told a lot of people about it.
- [112:45]
B
Love the show.
- [112:45]
A
Thank you.
- [112:47]
C
So I have more of a statement than a question.
- [112:49]
A
Sure.
- [112:50]
C
So I'm here to solve your issue with your Internet history, and I think Donny's issue also. So when you are on Firefox, all right, and you're searching for something, and you know how it keeps the history. I know you've complained about this before.
- [113:02]
A
Right.
- [113:03]
C
You can go into something called a private browsing window, and for whatever you're doing while you're in that window, it doesn't keep track of.
- [113:12]
A
Mm. Private browsing window. Yes.
- [113:15]
C
And it is simple as. All you have to do when you're in Firefox is hit control shift P. You lost me.
- [113:24]
A
Are we in Firefox? Weezer? Well, you can use Safari or Firefox. Safari is the compass. Firefox is the one that's the earth with like a orange kind of flame going around. Maybe I'll use the Firefox.
- [113:37]
C
So use the Firefox, go to tools, and then go to private browsing, and you never have to worry about what your doing.
- [113:42]
A
Speaking about the earth, we had a nice little earthquake today.
- [113:46]
C
I heard that.
- [113:47]
A
I was sitting around outside having a little picnic job over there for a little Easter party, and all of a sudden you just feel it swaying and rolling. And I got to tell you, like an earthquake, when you're in a, you know, subterranean parking or in the top of a commercial building is a little bit freaky. But when you're sitting out on a lawn with a nice buzz on a folding chair, it's kind of nice. I actually enjoyed it. 6.9 out of Baja, California? I think so. Yeah.
- [114:17]
C
Didn't do the same damages in Haiti. Huh?
- [114:19]
A
Well, it's weird because Baja is weird. If you drive through Baja, and I've driven through Baja a bunch of times. It's a whole bunch of unreinforced concrete it's just a bunch of cinder block. But couple things. And they do. They don't have enough wood. And I mean, there's two things that are missing. Wood and building inspectors. And when you're missing. When you don't have plywood or oriented strand board and two by fours and. Or building inspectors expect some shit to come down when an earthquake hits. But I'm wondering, and maybe Donnie knows something about the region I don't. Mexico has earthquakes quite a bit, I would say. They get hit, you know, obviously they get hit about as much as we get hit. When we get hit, they get hit. When they get hit, we get hit. I could feel their earthquake today, and I'm sure they feel ours as well. So we're probably running along the San Andreas fault about the same. Basically the same location. So they get hit a lot. So when they build, they have to kind of factor it in. Whereas I don't think Haiti gets hit as much as we get hit or they get hit. So when they build, they're not ready for it. Like, have you ever walked through Manhattan and just gone through like downtown? You know, just walk through the heart of New York City. You realize if there was a earthquake there, so much shit would be falling off those buildings. The gargoyles, the bricks, you know, you see the masonry, you see the crazy shit on those buildings. If a 7.0 hit in the middle of Manhattan, shit would just be falling everywhere. And yet they don't get them. So they can build accordingly. But what you don't want is to build like you don't get them and then get one. What do you think? Maybe the laborers from Mexico, because they've worked here back and forth in California, they brought in some of the. Even though it's not reinforced concrete, they probably think in some earthquake because they've been working here up in. Well, also what, what happens is the earthquake is like a literal Etch A Sketch shake. You know, it's like, clear it out, start over. So earthquake hits. Anything that couldn't stand up to the earthquake falls over. And when you rebuild that thing, you have to rebuild it past where it was because you just got done picking it up. So you do that thing where it's like if you get hit, you know, I, I'm sure the, you know, what are the 2.the 2. What are the 2 highest tech earthquake places on the planet? Well, probably Tokyo and San Francisco. Why? Because they get hit with the most earthquakes, so they know the most about it. And thus their buildings are designed to take it what you don't want to be is in a place that hasn't an earthquake in 100 years and be in that parking structure. So I'm hoping everything worked out over there in along Baja. I don't know what part of Baja, and I haven't really seen the news or figured it out yet. All right, let's try one more call. Talk to.
- [117:23]
C
Adam Carolla.
- [117:25]
A
Jake. Jake. Guy, what's going on?
- [117:29]
C
First off, let me tell you are my hero.
- [117:32]
A
Thanks, Jake.
- [117:33]
C
And I'm currently two blocks away from your dad's old house.
- [117:38]
A
Yeah, you are. What street are you on?
- [117:39]
C
And I walked by it earlier, and I just want to, you know. You know, heaps of praise on you. That entryway really brings the whole place together.
- [117:49]
A
Yeah, the guy owns the house now. Changed a paint scheme on the place. But, yeah, we did a nice. We did a good job remodeling that joint.
- [117:58]
C
Did you guys put the front door on it? Because I really like the front door.
- [118:01]
A
You're talking about the place that's up on the grassy knoll.
- [118:05]
C
Yeah, it took.
- [118:06]
A
Yeah. Hartsook.
- [118:09]
C
Yeah.
- [118:10]
A
No, I think. I don't know if we. I think we redid the front door some, but I don't remember hanging a new door.
- [118:17]
C
Well, I'm down here from Seattle, and I'm at my. My girlfriend's grandmother died. Unfortunately, that's the reason why we're down here. But a long time ago, she told me, she goes, you know, my grandma and her entire family grew up on Hartsook Street. And I heard on the Adam Carolla show that, you know, you grew up. Or the, you know, you. Adam, grew up on hardship. I wonder if they lived, you know, close together at all. And then all of a sudden, I got up on the Corolla board, and I was looking up. There's actually something on there called the Adam Carolla tour to North Hollywood. And it's got, like, all the places that you worked or, like, the Taco Bell that you didn't get the job at and the place that you remodeled in your high school. And I look it up, and I'm literally two blocks down from your dad's old house. And, you know, right by that Taco Bell, right by North Hollywood High.
- [119:08]
A
And it's just.
- [119:09]
C
It's surreal after listening to you for so many years on the. On the radio podcast, every episode of your podcast, you're.
- [119:17]
A
Thank you, Jake. You're on the other side of Colfax from my dad's old house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, you know, it's kind of funny, actually, because I'm doing this. The Weasel be into this to some degree. I'm doing that celebrity car race in Long beach, and Brian Austin Green from 90210 is doing it. I was talking to him and the hottest chick in my grade school and then junior high, Lori, she grew up. She's Brian Austin Green's half sister, and they grew up right on the other side of Colfax. And they're right in where your grandma or your girlfriend's grandma's deceased grandma's house is right in there. And I never even knew that the whole time. So the guy from 90210, Brian Austin Green, his half sister. And he's a little bit younger than she is, obviously, but the hottest babe in our. In our grade school. And, you know, it's weird. It's weird that you have to declare the hottest chick in your school and then she just gets to be the benchmark for all the guys. Like, hey, man's going out with Lori Kovacs was there. What's her name? And I say her name. She was hot. Why not? I don't. I lost touch with her. Yes.
- [120:43]
C
You know, me. Me and my girlfriend were down here, and it's kind of. It's, you know. You know, grim circumstances. I'm wondering, if we made the pilgrimage out to Ontario, is there any way you could hook us up with tickets to come see you? I mean, it would honestly make mine and hers life. We are avid Adam Carolla fans.
- [121:01]
A
Yes. You know.
- [121:03]
C
Incredible. I listen to you every day.
- [121:05]
A
Thanks, Jake. What do you do for a living?
- [121:08]
C
I work at a design company in Seattle. We make websites for people. But I'm low man on the totem pole. I'm the author. I get water from Costco and I clean everything.
- [121:19]
A
They don't pay you. Well, that was your 10 bucks an.
- [121:22]
C
Hour, so it's not great.
- [121:23]
A
Sounds very good. All right, how about this? I'll give you one free ticket and you buy one ticket.
- [121:30]
C
Absolutely.
- [121:30]
A
That way it's.
- [121:31]
C
Absolutely.
- [121:32]
A
Then it's just like each of you paying 1250 for a ticket, and that's practically the price of a movie at this point.
- [121:37]
C
Oh, my God, you're the best.
- [121:39]
A
Well, no, if I was the best, I'd give you two for free. No, because what happens is Mike August gives away a lot of those comps and then we end up not having any left and blah, blah, blah. But I'll give you one, you buy one. Donnie, write Jake's name down. Jake, give Donnie your phone number off the air. I'll take it with me, I promise. Mike August will get with you. Just give Donnie your last name and I'll have you and a plus none at the door. There should be a plus none, right? There's a plus one. All right, Jake. And then Jake, after the show, hang out and come say hi to me.
- [122:19]
C
Oh, man, you're the best. Thank you so much, Adam.
- [122:21]
A
No problem. Bye.
- [122:23]
C
Talk to you later.
- [122:23]
A
Good times. All right, so get Jake's number. We'll put the plus none. And what can I tell you? Ah, yes, I can tell you this. Ontario, this Wednesday coming up. This Wednesday. All right. Sorry, but I just had to fly in and do the Easter show and I gotta fly back and pick up my wife and kids from this party. I'm sure they're pissed at me. We'll keep you posted. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for calling in. Thanks for spending this Easter with us. Until next time, it's Adam Carollo for my good buddy, the Wes Sand. Mahalo. All right, that's Adam Corolla show 293. That does it for this weekend's cruel classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for three all new installments.
- [123:07]
C
Until then, mahalo and get it on.