Ari Shaffir Does Car Sex Different

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – "Ari Shaffir Does Car Sex Different" Release Date: January 21, 2025

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of The Adam Carolla Show, host Adam Carolla welcomes comedian Ari Shaffir for a candid and humorous discussion. Joined by co-host Jason "Mayhem" Miller, the trio delves into a mix of current events, personal anecdotes, and unfiltered social commentary. Filmed at the Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, the episode offers listeners a blend of sharp wit and unabashed honesty characteristic of Adam Carolla and his guests.

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Current Events and Political Commentary

Executive Orders and Social Policies

Adam and Ari kick off the conversation by dissecting recent executive orders, particularly focusing on former President Trump's proclamation that recognizes only two biological sexes. Adam humorously critiques the necessity of such proclamations in modern society.

Adam Carolla [06:30]: "It is weird that we have to make this proclamation. You can tell a lot about society by what you have to do..."

The discussion shifts to the Biden administration's actions, including preemptive pardons of family members, which Adam argues are attempts to shield corrupt activities within the Biden family. He fervently believes these pardons are indicative of broader governmental corruption.

Adam Carolla [18:37]: "His family is corrupt, and his family was involved with this skimming of the money from Ukraine and Russia..."

Jason "Mayhem" Miller adds to the debate by highlighting the suspension of security clearances for officials involved in the Hunter Biden laptop controversy, suggesting it as election interference.

Jason Mayhem Miller [28:33]: "Trump is to suspend the security clearances of the former national security officials behind the Hunter laptop letter."

Media Bias and Information Control

Adam criticizes mainstream media outlets like CNN and 60 Minutes for perceived biases and failures in authenticating information, leading to public distrust.

Adam Carolla [32:07]: "I feel like you could do that if you wanted. And you're yelling. So now I don't trust you, Leslie Stahl..."

He contrasts this with his own approach on the podcast, emphasizing that his discussions are based on thorough interviews and factual accuracy, which he believes sets his show apart from traditional media.

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Personal Anecdotes and Social Observations

Growing Up and Family Influences

Ari shares amusing stories from his past, including his grandmother's unconventional support for the LGBTQ+ community, which shapes his unique comedic perspective.

Ari Shaffir [10:38]: "There's a guy named Harry Hay who's literally just the, you know, Harriet Tubman of Sucking Cock Underground Railroad..."

Experiences with Relationships and Sexuality

The conversation takes a more personal turn as Adam and Ari recount humorous and sometimes awkward experiences related to relationships and sexuality. They discuss the complexities of intimacy, societal expectations, and personal boundaries.

Adam Carolla [73:15]: "So you just retarded in that you're 37 years old, but you act, you have the mentality of a seven year old. So you are retarded."

Ari Shaffir [85:02]: "Yeah, I'm not trying to marry the vagina."

Humor and Sensitivity in Language

Both hosts navigate the fine line between humor and sensitivity, particularly when discussing derogatory terms and their evolution in societal context. They debate the appropriateness and impacts of reclaiming certain words within comedy.

Ari Shaffir [63:43]: "But we are comparing them to people with down syndrome."

Adam Carolla [64:15]: "But when you fall over nothing."

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Cultural Critiques and Observations

Fashion and Societal Changes

Adam and Ari critique evolving fashion trends, such as the perpetual changes in denim styles, reflecting on how society’s obsession with altering traditions leads to widespread confusion and sometimes ridicule.

Adam Carolla [56:02]: "We decided we needed bell bottoms, peg legs, all white. Hip hugger mom jeans, stonewashed, pre torn..."

Urban Development and Gentrification

The hosts discuss the effects of gentrification in urban areas, using New York’s Little Italy and Chinatown as examples of how cultural enclaves evolve and sometimes lose their original charm.

Ari Shaffir [130:22]: "If you have two of the three, it doesn't quite work."

Adam Carolla [131:50]: "There's fake Italians. We're mad and go, I'll come back there."

Transportation and Infrastructure

Ari raises concerns about California’s push towards electric vehicles, questioning the preparedness for power outages during emergencies like wildfires.

Ari Shaffir [103:52]: "What happens next time there's a fire and the electricity goes off and in their beautiful world every got an electric car..."

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Comedy and Social Commentary

Ari Shaffir’s Stand-Up and Netflix Special

Adam praises Ari’s Netflix special, "America’s Sweetheart," highlighting its blend of humor and insightful social critique. They discuss the shift in the comedy landscape, where formerly fringe comedians gain mainstream acceptance without compromising their authentic voices.

Adam Carolla [53:05]: "It's a good lesson for the kids. Except for if you do it for sort of an interminable amount of time..."

Ari Shaffir [53:43]: "It's sort of like sending swingers."

Language Policing and Comedy

The duo explore the boundaries of language in comedy, debating the resurgence of terms like "retard" and their impact on societal perceptions and sensitivities.

Ari Shaffir [60:31]: "No one's calling retarded people retarded. Not to their face. Not in an objectionable way."

Adam Carolla [63:38]: "I think retarded is fine."

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Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Adam and Ari reflect on the importance of authenticity in both personal interactions and the broader media landscape. They encourage listeners to seek out unfiltered discussions and remain critical of mainstream narratives.

Ari Shaffir [155:32]: "Because this Al Qaeda was low on grammar."

Adam Carolla [157:08]: "And psychologically interesting too. Like you kind of go, oh yeah, no, that's right."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show serves as a vibrant tapestry of humor, personal stories, and sharp social and political commentary. Through their dynamic interaction, Adam Carolla and Ari Shaffir offer listeners both laughs and thoughtful insights into the complexities of modern life.

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Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla [06:30]: "We must have an executive order that says there's only two sexes."
• Ari Shaffir [10:38]: "Harry Hay was the founding father of Homo."
• Adam Carolla [28:37]: "His family is corrupt... Biden pardons are shielding corruption."
• Ari Shaffir [63:43]: "We're comparing them to people with down syndrome."
• Adam Carolla [56:02]: "What happened with you guys in jeans?"

Note: Timestamps are approximate and based on transcript segments.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, in this episode, very funny. Comedian Ari Shafir is in for very lengthy and interesting discussion. Mayhem's gonna do some news because, you know, we want to get to inauguration stuff and other stuff, and we'll do all that right after this. From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, comedian Ari Shaf Fear. Plus the news and trending topics with Jason Mayhem Miller. And now, disappointed he didn't get a last minute pardon. Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. A church at the end of the end. Did you get it on? Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for sharing the pod. That's all we ask you. Yeah, so when I talk to people, I did shows last night, I talked to people. I got my wife on the show, got my son on. Yeah, it's free. Share it with him. How's it going, Mayhem?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Going great, Going great. Inauguration Day, the biggest of days in a while. There's a lot of weird energy in the entire country. I can feel it. It's bubbling up. It's burning up my T shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I am very pragmatic. At the end of the day, people were asking me, I was doing a lot of interviews, and people were saying, it's gotta be rough with the fires and the stuff and everything. And I'm like, what's next? Moving on. I mean, when I found out, which I did erroneously, but initially, I woke up on whatever Wednesday morning, and the news was, wake up, your house is gone. And to me, if you would have seen my reaction, it would have been like somebody saying somebody stole the recycling bin from in front of your house. Like, that was the same reaction. It was just like, well, that sucks. I guess we gotta get another one. Like, what's next? Now, I'm not saying that I'm a cool customer. I'm just saying I'm like Spock from Star Trek. It's like, what's. I could scream to the heavens or I could break a chair, or I could yell or point or yell, why me? Or what's going on? But it doesn't make sense to me. It's just. It's a calorie burner.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

We're very different guys. I scratched my car and I went to, like, level eight. Yeah, good. Level eight. And like, you, house might have burnt down and someone farted in the elevator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was my reaction. And at that time, it was a neighbor basically reporting in, Someone who had their finger on the pulse of the neighborhood. And the beat I've never been that person. But that person who was a reliable source just basically said, the place is gone.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

And so in my mind, it was gone. And I didn't have a reaction to it because it doesn't make sense to me. Like, it doesn't. If I thought having a meltdown got me 2% closer to getting the condo back, then I would have a meltdown.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I mean, like, if it was a, you know, half court Hail Mary shot, I would. I would take that shot, but I. But it doesn't do anything. So I never have that. I never have that.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You have no catharsis of shouting it out a little bit?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? I think. No.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

The majority of people are like me, where you. Like, if something really terrible happens, you need to, like, excise the demons.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, it's weird. I can have a cathartic meltdown over. I came in here over the weekend and there was a coffee mug that was just sitting in the bottom of the sink with dried coffee in the bottom of it that nobody rinsed out. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, what the fuck? Why can't people get the message of rinsing out the coffee mug? I took a picture. I'll share it later with you. But the point. The point is that will trigger me. Yeah, I see it, and I'll tell you why. Because that's avoidable. You could rinse your mug, but the fire, it just is and it's done. And that's how I react. So I wish I had. I mean, I'm kind of glad I don't have that gene because I don't have to live and die with all the drama of the world, you know what I mean? And everything, every which way, pardon the pun, the wind blows, you just kind of get there. So I don't have that. And it's good for being in a race car. You just don't have those panic reactions over corrections. The car starts sliding and getting slippery or somebody's right up on you or something, and you just don't have that reaction, which is good.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

That's apples and oranges to me, because once my adrenaline's up, then I can think clearly and calmly and quietly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have to in the cage, right?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, but I see what you're saying, that it is good to be a Zen master when something terrible happens.

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, it's not zeny. It's like wired like my Labrador Phil, who can just lay outside in the middle of a concrete slab While someone is working a wet saw concrete cutter two feet from Phil, just cutting the slab, and he's just laying there. It's a wire.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You gotta thank your parents for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I will. Thanks mom and dad for not having a pulse. All right, so I got stuff to complain about. I was thinking about permits and we'll get to that. But you got bigger news. Yeah, you got bigger news.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You got plenty of news. Talk Yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what's going on?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

All right, well, first of all, maybe you'll like this. That Trump signed executive order proclaiming that there are only two biological sexes.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird that we have to make this proclamation. You can tell a lot about society by what you have to do, you know, I mean, like, you have to say, look, we're not gonna allow you to wear pajama bottoms and a bra on an airplane, ladies. Sorry. You have to put something on. Like the fact that we. You. You would mortify and confuse people from the past by the fact that we had to make. You know, I always say this, like, drive through la, what do you see? Barbed wire around the freeway signs. Why? Well, because people are tagging the freeway signs. So I have to put razor wire around the freeway. Like, just explaining that this is what we. We must have an executive order that says there's only two sexes. We must put barbed wire around the freeway signs. Every firehouse in la, while it may not have water or qualified firemen, we have a box, we have a sign in front of the thing that says you can drop your infant kid off here. You can just leave them. This a good judgment. Free drop zone, safe space for your 9 month old. So just go ahead and dump them here if you like. Like you would confuse people from our society, from the past, that these things existed, that we had to have these things. You know what I'm saying?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. But like that one, I get a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Or even like, all right, you go into the store, you go. And you could take people from not, you know, 200 years ago, you could take people from 25 years ago and just go walk them through a Rite Aid or cvs. And they'd go, why is the toothpaste and the razor cartridges in a cage? And you'd go, we have to have one. They'd go, I don't get it. What's going on with razor blades and cartridges and deodorant? Oh, no, we have to lock them up because hordes of people come in with pillowcases and garbage bags and just Fill it with everything and leave. And they'd go, well, I don't get it. Where are the police now? They don't. They're not. Well, wait a minute. Bunches of people can just walk in and just take tons of shit up to 950 bucks. I mean, that's how he's. And they'd go, what the fuck is going on? Like, what kind of hellscape have you guys created here?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Everybody just going by the rules, coming in under 950.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we changed that one now, but. All right. Anyway, you got news?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah. Yeah. The biological gender thing is now, I guess the Biden administration allowed U.S. citizens to be able to select the general neutral X as a marker on their passports. And I guess he's gonna roll that on back. I don't know. To me, it's strange that they're so concerned about this, that it's such a big deal. But, yeah, I get the point.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a thing which is a kind of strategy, which is somebody says, I think we'll have Drag queen story hour. And then somebody on the other side goes, I'm against that. And then the person on the left goes, why is this such a big deal? It barely happens. It doesn't affect you. What do you care? And the answer is, it is the beginning of the undoing of society is basically what it is. But it's also. I don't care. I never wanted to go through life caring about the trans community or the lgbt. I don't care. I've never cared. I go way back with the gays. Yeah, my family's way back. I mean, my grandmother was a fruit fly in 1942. My grandmother was like, the original fruit fly.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

What, she started a gay club or something?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a guy named Harry Hay who's literally just the, you know, Harriet Tubman of Sucking Cock Underground Railroad. Like. Like the founding father of Homo. Really? In LA is a guy named Harry Hay. Yeah, he wore beads and a dress and whatever. Oh, my grandmother loved Harry Hay. He was at every party, my grandmother talked about him. There was a book about Harry Hay. My grandmother's in the book. I mean, and we're going back to the 40s, so the whole gay experience turns out, just like all these guys, he's a douchebag and he's just angry at his dad. That's how these guys roll. He's an asshole, an antisocial prick, basically. But my grandmother loved him. And she loved him for one reason. He was gay. She just. She used to tell me all the time. Like, she'd go. Harry'd come walking in in a dress and beads and everyone look at him and he'd just go, fuck you. And I'd like, oh, he sounds like an antisocial douchebag to me. And my grandmother loved it. So I go way back with these people. I also go back. I also know my grandmother, my mom. They're fucking angry people who just want. They weren't interested in the gay movement. They were interested in pissing off John Wayne. Whatever. John Wayne wouldn't like. They like, they don't know it. Most of the people that do all this shit don't even know they're on autopilot. They're just fighting against what is it.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Seems like the ebb and flow of society, sort of where the gays, like, troll the conservative. And then back and forth, back and forth. And now we're swinging back over this way.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody look, here's the reality is nobody really cares. I just don't. If I got a kid in the second grade, I don't want some he. She dressed up like Divine reading them Hop on Pop. That's all. Other than that, I don't give a fuck. You can do whatever you want. By the way, I went. My buddy, Philip the Juggler. My dear departed Philip the Juggler guy. Loved, cared for very much. Great guy. His bachelor party was out here. And the guy, his best man, who planned his bachelor party, ended up taking us to the Queen Mary. Not the boat, the club on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City. There was a drag club, Dawson. You can look it up. There's a drag club called the Queen Mary. It was in Studio City, California. Like it was there since the 70s. Like, I went. He dragged us there. I said, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, drag. I was like, I'm getting a lap dance from a dude in a skirt. Now, I did the all baller move about a half hour into the Queen Mary and the he shes. I said, okay, this is funny, but the bloom is off the fucking rose. I want some titties. So I got everybody up and I said, we're going to the Star Garden. The Star Garden is in North Hollywood. It's a 20 minute drive. Whatever. I said, pack it up, bitches. We're going to the fucking Star Garden. I know the bouncer. And then we all got in the cars and we drove to North Hollywood. That was my stomping ground. And we went to the Star Garden where I knew the bouncer. And we all strolled in it's like a weeknight. And then at some point all the dudes sort of filed out. I was, you know, looking at tits and drinking beer and she was cool and stuff. And then at the end of the night, everyone was gone. And one hot stripper I had a crush on real bad. She was there and all the dudes were gone. And my car was back at the Queen Mary in Studio City because I drove over there with them.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I said to Catlin, the stripper Catlin, I said, hey, man, I lost my ride. I was in here with some dudes and I got nowhere to go. And she's like, well, I'll give you a ride back to your car. And I was like, okay. And we left at like 2 in the morning. And then at some point we're driving back. I was like, yes, an all night diner on Ventura over there. Why don't we get a cup of coffee? She said, okay. Next thing you know, we're banging. Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I was hoping this story had a good ending.

[Adam Carolla]

One joke, it ended up going to.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Take a left turn.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that turned out good for me. But the Queen Mary, Dawson, I mean, literally established 1974 or something, it existed. We can't find any pictures or anything, but we're trying to find out when it shut down.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it shut down way later. But when did it open? We're finding out. That's the question. The point is, is this shit's been around for a while. Nobody really cared, like. So I grew up in North Hollywood in Studio City, and there was a. Just a bar called the Queen Mary that was a drag bar and nobody gave a fuck. Nobody turned it down. In California, that is more. I grew more progressive.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

No, in the 80s it was not. No. There was no even inkling.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I'm saying. In 2025, nobody gives a shit about race. Nobody gives a shit about gay. Nobody gives a shit about lesbian. Nobody gives a shit about trans. They try to make it like, we care about race. We don't fucking care about race. We don't care about any of this shit, but we don't want you imposing your shit on us. That's all. Go ahead.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

All right, well, some more Biden news. He pardons his family in his final minutes in office.

[Adam Carolla]

What year do you find a flyer from the Queen Mary? Yeah, so it opened in the early 1960s. Can't find an exact early 60s. They're saying, damn, shit, we're going back. I never got it. The guy threw the bachelor party, thought it was funny.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

What? Oh, he thought it was funny, but check his search history.

[Adam Carolla]

I never got into the novelty. I never got into the novelty shit. For my birthday when I was 18, some friend, some girl bought me. Like, I opened the box, I didn't have anything. I didn't have clothes, you know, Like, I didn't have stuff. Like, I needed a fan for my room, for my garage so I could sleep during the summer. I didn't have anything. And I had this rich girl, she was a friend of mine, and she's like, I got your birthday present. And I open it up, and it said, jock full of nuts. And I opened the box, and it was a jockstrap with a zipper on it, filled with peanuts. And I was like, I ate the fucking peanuts. And I was just looking at it. I was like, janie, you spent like, 26 bucks on this. You know? She's like, yeah, you could have got me the Best of Steely Dan CD or a gift certificate to Sizzler or, like. Or $26 worth of peanuts. Or $26 worth of peanuts. Like, ah. And she was like, it's funny, right? I was like, it's funny when you're rich. It's not. I don't have shit. I mean, you could have bought me a Chubb pack of socks or something, a pair of van, tennis shoes, like, anything. But I just remember staring at that jock full of nuts. I couldn't throw it out. I just. I ate all the peanuts out of it. I was going to eat the fucking peanuts. And then I just set the jock on my fucking floor. And what am I going to do? Yeah, she thought she was. She was rich. She thought it was. I mean, listen, God bless her, but Jesus Christ. All right, so, yeah, let me let.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You know about what's going on. The pardons. Joe Biden preemptively pardon several family members, citing concerns that they will be targeted by baseless and politically motivated investigation.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, let's break this down. His family is corrupt, and his family was involved with this skimming of the money from Ukraine and Russia and all this stuff. I mean, let's really break it down. Like, let's just start from the start. It goes from, my son's the smartest guy I know. He's done nothing wrong, and I've never spoken to him about any of his business dealings. All right? That's the beginning. That's where we start. Right now. We could have finished there, but if somebody accused my dad of being in on the grift and being the big guy and getting 10% and me traveling to all these rogue nations and cutting deals with them for their energy company and getting paid in cars and diamonds and cash and stuff like that. If somebody said that to my dad five years ago, my dad would go, I don't know what you're talking about. I've never talked to Adam about this. I don't know what he does and I have no part of it. I have no part of it and I don't even know what you're talking about. That would have been five years ago. And then you could smash cut to 10 minutes before he died and you could go, I would like to revisit this thing where Adam was getting paid from Burisma and energy companies and gifts and stuff like that. And 10 seconds before my dad died five years later, he would go, I don't know what you're talking about. I have no connection to this. All right, that's a good day. You wanna know why? Cause there was no connection. There wasn't anything. I've never had a discussion with my dad. My dad doesn't know anything. He never profited from it. He never gotten anything. There is no deal. But the Biden one goes from this never happened to there's a laptop with a bunch of shit on it that says maybe it did happen to. Well, that laptop is fake. To that laptop is real. To. Oh, here's some pictures of you with the emperor of China and your son. And here's a couple emails to. Okay, I'm going to pardon. I'm going to pardon my son. Yeah, okay. And no one in my family, his brothers. But now we have shell accounts and all these, all these accounts that had to be set up in granddaughter's names and different people's names. So now there's a trove of stuff. So we got from. I've never discussed this. I've done nothing. My son has done nothing to. I need to pardon my son because there's a fucking trove of information. So now my dad would never need to pardon me because there'd never be anything there. There'd never be anything there. So your brother, Joe Biden, he's just a business guy, works in Delaware and has nothing to do with any of this grift that's going on. Why would you need to pardon him any more than you'd need to pardon me or my dad? And then the answer would be, well, I would be targeted. Okay, so let's just say I'm targeted. Adam, what'd you do with Ukraine? What'd you do with Burisma? Let's talk about your bank accounts. And then I would go, go ahead. There's nothing. Go ahead, target all the you want. There's nothing there. You accused me of being PD P. Diddy's right hand man and being in on the action. Go ahead. There's nothing. There's nothing there. You can't prove anything. There's nothing there. Baby oil manager, his fucking son and his brother and other family members were all in on a fucking grift. The guy was corrupt. That's why he's pardoning everyone. And it's a super convenient excuse to go, well, they're gonna be targeted. You mean like what you guys have been doing to Trump for the last three years? Talking about that kind of targeting? Talking about baseless stuff where you just tie him up in the courtroom like that kind of targeting? Yeah. That's what you do. Your brother's in on this. All these other people are in on it, and that's why you have to pardon them.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah. His final batch of pardons included his brother, James Biden, James wife, Sarah Jones Biden, and younger sister Valerie Biden Owens Owens husband, John Owens, and his other brother Francis Biden.

[Adam Carolla]

There is, I've said this nine times, but there's an email where Hunter is in charge of paying the big guy 10%. Who else could we be talking about? Who is the big guy? Why is Hunter in charge of the big guy? Like think about it. Hunter is the bag man and the face, he's not the business guy.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The other guys on the list are business guys. 10% to this guy, 10% to that guy. So why wouldn't the business guy be in charge of the big guys 10%. Why is the crack addicted bag man, why is he in charge of the big guy? Because the big guy's Joe Biden, everybody. I know we don't do news anymore, but who else is the big guy? Ever figured out who the big guy is? It's Joe Biden, his fucking corrupt family. I'm not, you know, you go, well, you're just saying this cuz you don't like Joe Biden. That is true, I don't like Joe Biden. But it's still blatantly obvious what he's done and what he's doing. Sorry, there's, you know when people sit back and they go, there's nothing that connects. There's nothing but 300 fucking emails and a trove of information and accounts and all kinds of it's an endless amount of evidence that connects him to this, and that's why he has to pardon all the criminals in his own family.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, it does seem like when you're in power, you get to kind of manipulate things however you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he's got it. He's got a pardon, Fauci, because I've always told you, it only goes one direction with Fauci. It starts off as this guy, Saint Fauci, and he's saving the nation. Oh, maybe. Maybe the virus started in the lab and maybe Fauci was trying to squash that. And maybe Fauci had something to do with that lab and the virus. Yes, that's why you have to pardon these people. They're fucking criminals.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, that was another whole story. Yeah. That Fauci, Milley and January 6th committee has also been pied in.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the January 6th committee was just put together to try to do to Trump what Biden is accusing Trump preemptively of trying to do to his family. They put a big committee together, they kicked off anyone who opposed any of their narratives, and then they cooked a bunch of stuff and then miraculously lost all the information or the hard drives were scrubbed or whatever it is. Yes, that's lawfare. That's our. That's our government coming together, lying, getting rid of evidence. You know, they brought the January 6th committee, brought in the chick who heard secondhand, remember this story, or third hand, that when Trump was in his limo on January 6, he lurched forward to grab the steering wheel and try to steer the car. They interviewed her who wasn't in the car. They didn't interview the security that was in the car who said this never happened. So if you wanted to know what happened inside that car, let's just say you're committee. You just want to get to the bottom. All you want is the truth. You just want to get to the bottom of what went on. That's all. Okay, wouldn't you want to talk to some of the personnel who are physically the Secret Service guys in the car versus the 27 year old chick who overheard somebody saying this is what he did? Wouldn't that be a more reliable source? A person that was physically there, they curated the testimony. They did not want to talk to those people. Why? Because they would say it didn't happen and, and that would fuck up their theme. So are you guys trying to get to the bottom of this or is this a theme you're trying to play out? And then also no discussion with Nancy Pelosi or Anybody else? That Trump said, We need 10,000 National Guardsmen there, like, days before, like, no. Wouldn't you wanna get to the bottom of why there wasn't more security there? Didn't wanna delve into that. So, yes, they were corrupt as well. And that's. They need to be pardoned because they're corrupt. You can attack all you want. Like, by the way, what use is it? Like, let's just say Senator, whoever, squeaky clean, never did anything. Benny Johnson. There was no corruption. There was no erasing of files. There was no underhanded anything. Then what's Trump gonna do? What are you gonna do to these guys? There's no paper trail. There's no anything. All right. Go after Jim Carolla. Okay. Nothing there. He wasn't there. They did stuff, and that's why they're getting pardoned. And all these people that are getting pardoned are getting pardoned because they did shit. Yeah. So there you go. Joe's a great guy. He's great. We're bringing. Remember, the adults were coming back and dignity was coming back, and it's all there.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

No. Well, speaking of all that, Trump is to suspend the security clearances of the former national security officials behind the Hunter laptop letter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. 51 guys with. 51 guys with security clearances who know the business said, well, we've studied this, and it has all the earmarks of Russian collusion. So we'll write this letter about this laptop that definitely exists because they were in possession of it a year before they had the laptop. They're in possession of it. They know it's real. They can authenticate it, but it's got a bunch of shit. And the shit on there is connecting Joe and his son to all these business dealings. And we want to get our guy elected, Joe Biden. And he has a debate coming up in two days. So we will craft a letter, get all the officials to sign it, and then we will arm Joe with that. And then during the debate, when Trump starts talking about China and Russia and whatever, Joe will look into the camera and go, 51 highly decorated security experts have signed a document that said, this is all Russian collusion, and cleared me. And then the bitch who's moderating will sit and yell, can we get back to race? Can we get back to race? That's what she said. We're talking about race. Can we. Okay. That's why they did it. They did it to put their thumb on the scale for the election. It's pretty obvious stuff. And people. Feels to me like election Interference. Yeah. That feels like interfering with an election. You are officials with security clearances who are ex FBI and CIA guys. You all signed a document that said this thing that was real was fake. What are you doing?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It seems like both sides playing a very good propaganda game, like, very deep levels of. Because that using the government to affect propaganda is, like, really big thing for America. We do it Communist China.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But they should be stripped of their clearance because they're using their clearance and using their reputation to affect an election.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah. Trump should fucking. Yes. Yeah. Now, if the news did their job, this would be pretty easy stuff. But they don't want to do it, so they didn't want to do it. And that's the age we just lived in. We just went through Covid and we just went through Biden, and it was the same thing. News all in one direction and a dereliction of duty. And that's why no one fucking listens to these people anymore.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Well, it seems that there's, like, been a big Internet wave where people are thinking differently outside of the mainstream media, outside of legacy media. Now there's new ways to get information. So people are thinking very differently.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem is there's sort of transparent about it. Like when Leslie Stahl from 60 Minutes is interviewing Trump and he's like, well, what about the laptop? And she's like, sir, there's no way to authenticate. We can't authenticate. And he's like, what do you mean you can't authenticate it? Like, sir, we can't. You're 60 minutes. You can't authenticate a laptop. I feel like you could do that if you wanted. And you're yelling. So now I don't trust you, Leslie Stahl, because I think you're lying and I think you're protecting somebody else.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You know, I always say, like, there's no such thing as a fair fight. You know, I just. I'm an expert at mixed martial arts. And, you know, because there's a referee in the cage, this guy, Same as boxing, this guy has a lot of play. And I feel like the referees in our society should be the media and voices like yours and people on the news. You know, you think you could trust everybody, but everybody has an inherent bias.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true, it's true. But there's also accurate versus inaccurate. You can go back and I broadcast every single day, all through Covid. Go listen to what I said. Tell me what I got wrong. I interviewed Tony Bobulinski, Hunter Biden's partner. He sat Right where you're sat. I talked to him for an hour and a half. Tell me what I got wrong. Tell me what he got wrong. See, here's the deal. If at this point in our society, it was like, well, listen, Adam, sit down. Turns out the COVID came from a pangolin in a wet market. Turns out ivermectin was deadly. Turned out to be horse paste. Turned out hydroxychloroquine was bad. It turned out that there was no natural immunity. And it turned out that the vaccinations was one and done, and you never got Covid ever again. Oh, and the Hunter Biden laptop was a fake. Then I would have to sit here and go, okay, then don't listen to me on the next one, because obviously I got some shit wrong. Except for I didn't get any of it wrong. Now CNN got all of it wrong. Joe Rogan didn't get it wrong. So now people go, well, why should we listen to the ladies from the View when we have other people who didn't get wrong, by the way? The people got it right. Look for the people who got deplatformed and fired and all. Look for all those people. Those are the people got it right. All right.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It seemed like a cudgel for other motivations. Like, you know what I mean? If, like, you say something I disagree with about X, but really I'm trying to get y. Get you to stop talking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they wanted. I mean, it was all political. They wanted Joe Biden to be president. So all this stuff kind of competed with that. And so they had a theme, so they did it. Now, I don't know why people played so fast and loose with their reputation. You know what I'm saying?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah. They committed to certain things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, I don't like Joe Biden. I would prefer Trump. Or I would prefer Trump over Kamala Harris. But if someone said, show up to your podcast and just start lying because you wanna get Trump elected, I'd go, I don't wanna do it, because then I'll look like an asshole later on when it turns out I was lying about Trump. So I'll just say what I want to say.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Integrity, I think it's called.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck Wolf Blitzer is doing. I mean, Sanjay Gupta. I think it was Sanjay. Yeah. Sanjay Gupta calls Ivermectin horse paste. Then he goes on to Rogan and gets roasted, and then he comes back to CNN the next day, and Don Lemon's like, well, it is used on horses. Right. And he's like, well, it can be. Well, then I guess you're right. I mean, he just fucking ate a dick. I'm not gonna listen to anything Sanjay Gupta ever has to fucking say about anything because he's a fucking lying hack. But I don't know why you would want to get yourself into that position.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Do you think these guys know they're lying? Or, like, you know, because maybe they're just misinformed and, like, I think a lot of people get.

[Adam Carolla]

Sanjay Gupta is a physician. He can figure out what Ivermectin is if he wants. Yeah, I'm not a. I got put on academic probation at a junior college. I figured out what Ivermectin was. It's real easy.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Well, what I mean is if you're just invested in the team and you're in your echo chamber, like we all are, on our Internet device, then we start getting this marching order sort of without even being aware of it or something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. He's got a. He's got a direction and he's going that direction, but he still knows what Ivermectin is. Yeah, yeah. And so he's cashed in his integrity, and we never have to listen to him again.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, I can't suspend that. Yeah, I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

The inauguration was today, so it was a pretty wild one because John Fetterman showed up in a hoodie, you know, as relaxed and casual as possible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Did you watch. It was pretty awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I am. I'm staying with Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew has a TV remote from 1996 that has 171 buttons on it, and I cannot control. And he's out of town, and I cannot control his TV set. I cannot wake up in the morning and turn on the news and watch anything because I can't turn on anything. There's nothing.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I'm sorry, but it's brutal. I know that you live daily.

[Adam Carolla]

I shacked up with the one guy that has no operable TV set from this century. There's nothing. There's nothing you can do. You point 15 buttons, I push, I end up with the greatest American Hero episodes. You know what that is? No. It's a sitcom from 1983. Believe it or not, I'm walking around.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I never know that one.

[Adam Carolla]

At some point, out of sheer desperation, I'm like, I can't find sports wrap up. I can't find my beloved tmz. I can't see the inaugural. I can't see anything. But here is an offering it is Greatest American hero from 1983. And you know what I do?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

I go, fuck it. And I click on it and it says, would you like to purchase it for $1.99? And I go, you're fucking kidding me. Now I can't buy bad sitcoms on Drew's. And now I'm out. So I got nothing. I have nothing. I cannot watch My greatest love.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

There's 19 TVs out there. I'll get you an apple.

[Adam Carolla]

I fucking ran in here and turned one on just to have it on, just to be able to control something. Yeah, I feel you. Football games, nothing. There's nothing. It's not. You can't. I would take a fucking picture of this thing.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Okay, you're withdrawing.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm having it. You know, the shakes, right? Getting the shakes? Yeah, Yeah. I gotta fucking need something to take the edge off. All right, what else you got?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Oh, man, that's about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like Fetterman with this shit.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Fetterman with his shorts on. Look, his shorts and his. We rushed through the news today.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I. It was wild. Look, I. I get Fetterman. I mean, I get it, but I also like. The tape went around. I spoke in front of Congress several years ago. They said, bring a suit, bring a tie, cuz that's what you're doing. Yeah, I didn't bring my fucking hoodie and my hoop shorts. I brought a suit and I brought a tie, because that's what that is. You know what I mean? And this, while people think it's kind of cool or interesting or whatever, this is what I'm talking about. This is the pajama bottoms and the bra on the commercial flight. Like it's the undoing of the fabric of America. And that guy, I would just tell him, look, dress over the fuck you want on Saturday and Sunday, but when you're in this, in the halls of Congress, or you're in this building or you're attending this, you put a fucking suit on. Or don't you fucking keep your fat ass parked at home?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Look. Look alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

What did you think about the tone of Trump's acceptance?

[Adam Carolla]

We got a couple. Dawson cooked up a couple of clips. Again, I have no access to things because I cannot watch my beloved tv. I'm forced to read.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Sorry, bud.

[Adam Carolla]

Read like a fucking poor person. Like a pioneer. Ooh, yeah. Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, President Biden, Vice President Harris, and my fellow citizens. The golden age of America begins right now. You know, it's interesting to pause it as I think back on it. I told you my stupid communist hippie bullshit dumb fuck parents and grandmother and everything. If you wanted to piss off my grandmother and or my mom, all you'd have to do is say some rah rah American thing.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All you had to go is, you know, we're the greatest nation, we saved Europe in World War II or something. They'd go, you know, we knew about those concentration camps a long time before we liberated they. And they would, if you, if you wanted to piss them off in five seconds, just do some kind of rah rah America talk. And they would fucking turn and they would get angry. So this shit pisses a lot of people off and they always go, no, no, I love this country, but we could do better, or this guy's dangerous or whatever it is. But really what it is, is any rah rah America talk pisses off a certain group of folks.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I grew up at exact opposite army base and rah rah America was the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my grandmother would have hated your dad, all right, but she loved Harry Hay, the gay guy, gay pioneer. All right, go ahead, sir. From this day forward, our country will flourish and be respected again all over the world. We will be the envy of every nation and we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of any longer. During every single day of the Trump administration, I will very simply put America first. My grandmother spinning in her grave like a rotisserie chicken. Our sovereignty will be reclaimed. Our safety will be restored. The scales of justice will be rebalanced. The vicious, violent, and unfair weaponization of the Justice Department and our government will end. Yeah, they hate this. Everyone in my family. Thank God they're not alive. Thank God they would go fucking nuts. They hate this kind of talk, but it's really because they hate the country. But they can't say they hate the country, but it's really because they hate their dad. And then when they're done hating their dad, well, they never stop hating their dad. They all hated their dad and then the country becomes their dad and then Trump becomes sort of de facto dad and they all hate Trump.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

That's some Freudian.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, no, you can trace it all back to fucking angry chicks who fucking hate their dads. Every time you get fucked up at an airport by security chick. That's her, that's her, that's her. That's 23 year old, fucking abandoned at 7, never met the man. And here comes dad Corolla walking in with the Samsonite the patriarchy and body.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Just want to get on the fucking flight, bitch. That's all. But now, you got to know, I.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Go with the poor people, like, on flights, and I never get hassle at all. They're just happy to see me through that. I'm not starting to fight with one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I go. I fly with exclusively poor people as well. I fly more Southwest than I tell people. I fly Southwest all the time. And I go, no, you don't. Yeah, absolutely. I do. All the fucking time. That's all I do. All right, we got another clip here. Donaldson. We have a government that has given unlimited funding to the defense of foreign borders, but refuses to defend American borders, or more importantly, its own people. Our country can no longer deliver basic services in times of emergency, as recently shown by the wonderful people of North Carolina, been treated so badly. And other states who are still suffering from a hurricane that took place many months ago, or more recently, Los Angeles, where we are watching fires still tragically burn from weeks ago without even a token of defense. They're raging through the houses and communities, even affecting some of the wealthiest and most powerful individuals in our country, some of whom are sitting here right now. They don't have a home any longer. That's interesting, but we can't let this happen. Yeah. Yeah, I'm one of them. I'm wealthy and powerful, and I got no home. I may be forced to have to slum it at Costner's beach house. Sorry. You got bumped for the fight. Costner came through. No.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

No stress. You guys have fun. We'll talk about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, listen, if you run into Jay Moore, don't tell him that I told you if Costner doesn't go to the UFC fight, you were gone. Because I told Jay, if Costner had been bumped, then Jay was going. Understand? So don't say anything.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I ain't saying nothing about nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just keep this between us. Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Pardon me for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll fill you guys more in on that. But that was a. Quite a. Quite an evening. Good times.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. All right, let's do one more clip, shall we, Dawson, if you have one. Sorry. Yeah, this is a good one. All right, let's do one more. That is why each day under our administration of American patriots, we will be working to meet every crisis with dignity and power and strength. We will move with purpose and speed to bring back hope, prosperity, safety and peace for citizens of every race, religion, color, creative. For American citizens, January 20, 2025, is Liberation Day. Yeah, but as I've said, who's gonna agitate black people without Joe Biden up there fucking screaming about how they never got a fair shake? Every fucking time someone put a microphone in front, like, who's gonna. With Kamala gone and Joe Biden gone, who's gonna do all the race hustling necessary for this country? I guess it's gonna be up to CNN and MSNBC now who's gonna hustle the race?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I'm waiting for a payment and I'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do it. Okay. I could see racing.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so I wanna get you guys caught up with that Ari Shaffir, very funny comedian, sits down with me and we'll talk to him right after this. Hey. It's a brand new year and it's all about setting goals, actually hitting goals. Setting and hitting them as well. And that's why I want to tell you about today's sponsor, Huel. It's spelled H U E L. It's a perfectly balanced meal designed by experts to provide nutrients and the nutrients your body needs. Now, I use their product, and you may have seen when I was doing my podcast from the hotel room, that got a little traction. I had their water bottle next to me, which I use as well. It's very affordable, it tastes great. It's a shake that tastes like a milkshake. It's delicious. It's chocolate, it's vanilla, it's low sugar, and it's incredibly affordable. High protein meals, less than $5. And it's a budget friendly option if you're trying to save some money and get some protein. Take the leap with the exclusive offer for new customers of 15% plus a free gift with the code ADAM. So 15% off and a gift with the Code Adam. It's Huel. Right, Dawson? That's 15% plus a free gift for new customers with the code [e-mail] h u e-l.com Start your year off strong. Unlock a healthier, easier way to eat with Huel. Nutritionally complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and it's totally free. You can binge, laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Ari Shafir]

Whether you're in the mood to solve.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Ari Shafir]

There's a rumor that Jews have sex through a hole in a sheet. And it's not true, but it's not not true. So it comes from. It comes from some racist, made it up a long time ago. It comes. I'll tell you where it comes from. Jews have this like sort of prayer poncho thing called tzitzit. It goes on, it's like a T shirt, but it's like made like a poncho. It's like on no sides, it's got these white tassels. Somebody you'll see that white tassels coming out of it at the bottom called tzitzit. But anyway, I guess some lady was like washing the family's TC and she was hanging them up to dry and some racist walk by and say what you want about racists. They're not the best people in the world, but they are very creative. Some of them walked by and they saw one hanging up and they were like, I bet they fucked through that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ari Shafir is on the Adam Carolla show. Ari Shafir is in studio. I just saw a special. It's very funny. America's Sweetheart hour and 11 minutes and 21 seconds or something. Who's counting? Very funny. Lots of, lots of thoughts. Well, you know, one of my main thoughts as I was watching it is it's nice to see you coming into, if not the mainstream. I just feel like the worm has turned in terms of where we were a few years ago. Who got to be popular. Who were the outsiders? Who were the insiders? Who were the cool kids, you know, who could get the deals at Netflix? That kind of stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It has turned. It's. Imagine if in college, if you're a Hacky Sack kid, and then suddenly Hacky Sack comes in.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, oh, well, I've been doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what's happened in Stand up, which is really nice. I mean. I mean, like playing a big theater doing, you know, where the material is not mainstream, but the delivery and the acceptance of it feels traditional.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's pretty wild. We just kind of all did. I was talking to Hinchcliffe about it. We all just did our own thing, and then eventually people were like, all right, people seem to like you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think it's like.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's like our version of that. We're not playing a game. We don't have to be fake to anybody at a party to try to get a deal.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good lesson for the kids. Except for if you do it for sort of an interminable amount of time, if you just do it for. And nobody ever likes you, then maybe whatever it is you're serving up, people don't want.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then also, maybe they'll never want it. Yeah, so have that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So anyway, I was tickled pink. It's a very funny special. It's also cool that it's on Netflix, just in the sense that feel like back in the day, there was a lot of folks that were. We'll call them renegades. And they would go, I'm just going to drop it on YouTube because I'm not in the mainstream. You know what I mean? But the zeitgeist has shifted. Maybe it's a Covid thing. Maybe it's kind of a Rogan thing. Like, I don't know what happened.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I mean, I dropped my last1 on YouTube. Really? Well, I think at some point we're like. It's like Swingers. When you're like, she's gonna call when you stop caring.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Call. You're like, all right, well, when, When. When do you have openings? I'm not gonna work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like the movie Swingers. Like, you. You physically have. Somehow it only works that when you stop yearning for her, that's when she's.

[Ari Shafir]

Gonna call you back.

[Adam Carolla]

And you feel that's kind of where you were at with comedy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's like, I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's Just, I just want to put out like make stuff and put it out. So it's like hey, YouTube's a good option. It's a really solid option. So then it's like oh, if you wanted it we can do that too. But like I already have plans this Saturday so if you have a party it's okay. If you don't, I have, I have another one to go to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's hard to. I think people try to fake not giving a fuck.

[Ari Shafir]

It's sort of like that's like sending swingers.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't do it, right. You can't pretend you end up looking like one of those douchebags with the pre worn in trucker's hat. But you're driving a Range Rover.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all over this town.

[Adam Carolla]

You smell like patchouli oil. You didn't wear that hat out.

[Ari Shafir]

It's co opted dirt.

[Adam Carolla]

The Chinese nine year old wore it for six years before it got onto your head.

[Ari Shafir]

Remember that when they had worn in jeans and they were selling them new with like tears.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. There's. There was. First there was stonewashed which first off could that even been. There was no stone near those jeans.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's the pre ripped jeans and I just don't. I think if you just took a look at our society.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you went like who are they? We'd go, well blue jeans were invented in 1852 and they remain unchanged for 150 years.

[Ari Shafir]

Perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

And then we decided we needed bell bottoms, peg legs, all white. Hip hugger mom jeans, stonewashed, pre torn. Like someone would go what the fuck happened with you guys in jeans?

[Ari Shafir]

I love denim but they just don't want to seem like a prospector.

[Adam Carolla]

We just kept denim for 150 years, nothing ever changed. And then we went fucking nuts.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, what else like that that hasn't changed at all. You know there's a new Pac man game.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a one versus one versus one, verse one. It's the greatest new development in arcades but also nothing's changed for forever. And then like let's play against each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Pac man, same thing with the jeans, the greatest decision. And the other thing, I'm always trying to figure this one out. But the one thing I know about the future, no denim, it'll be gone. Every show that's in the future, no one's wearing a jean jacket. It's all gone. And sometimes it'll be like the year's 2029 and it's like, all the denim gone in four years, all gone.

[Ari Shafir]

Wanted something rugged.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all gone. But the Pac man thing, we had a. This is an interesting concept. Who was the first guy in your group to get the apartment? Because the first guy to get the apartment, that becomes the smoke pot plays the bang. The girlfriend plays the get drunk plays the crash out place. If you are the first. Now, everyone's got their own place. So no one needs to crash at anyone's place or plow their girlfriend during the school lunch break or whatever that thing is. But if you are dumb enough to be the first guy to get your own place, then your place becomes the de facto beer bong fuck zone.

[Ari Shafir]

You're popular, right? Because you are older? Or if you have your license first, you're 21. First you're getting beers for everybody. You're licensed first.

[Adam Carolla]

We got the first apartment, like, in our crew May, but we just moved in. Yeah, I put the security deposit down.

[Ari Shafir]

I didn't install a bar on the side.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Me and my roommate got the one bedroom in North Hollywood. And none of our loser friends went off to college. They all just hung around North Hollywood. So then our place became the de facto hangout. Fuck your girlfriend, knock the bong over home. And we had a Pac man machine. And I was like, my roommate. It was my roommates. And he was like, I'll just flip a switch in the back and everyone can play for free. And I said, fuck that. These people are coming over here 24 7, eating my cereal, fucking their girlfriends. We're gonna charge them. And we did. And at the end of every month, we'd have, like 63 bucks in quarters.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn. Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, nice. The offsets electricity alone was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we didn't pay any bills with it. We just had, like, six. We probably had, like, $41 of free money in quarters.

[Ari Shafir]

That's great. From your dork friends?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we'd go to the mall, we'd buy pot. Then we'd go to the mall, we'd watch a movie and eat, like, hot dogs on a stick.

[Ari Shafir]

Where'd you get pot back then? Dealers.

[Adam Carolla]

There's always, like, one guy named Dan who knew somebody's older brother. You know Kurt? Yeah, Dan. Kurt, Carl's older brother. Yeah, Dan. He knows a guy, something to do with a park, something that a guy named Dan. There's also some scraping of the resins.

[Ari Shafir]

Back then, making it all count. We really were closer to the Indians back then.

[Adam Carolla]

We really were like, literally, at some point, no one would have any pot. And then you'd have to scrape the resins of the bong.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it would hit harder too. It was a real cherry on top.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess the resins were sort of like hash.

[Ari Shafir]

It was just kind of like glorified shoe polish. But it would get you there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But also, you don't realize just hyperventilating is enough to get some form of high.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Put that in a bag and just huff it.

[Adam Carolla]

So I was watching your special and then, like I said, I was enjoying it. And they brought up. You brought up bringing the word retard back. Or at least we should have never let it go.

[Ari Shafir]

I think it's a little much.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree too. I agree. I agree with that. And I was hearkening back to being on stage doing a live podcast with comedian Todd glass in like 2010 or something, and I was saying retard, and he was explaining that I couldn't use the word retard. I don't know why I find it particularly sad when comedians join in. You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

It's the worst. You should be fighting for me to say everything objectively.

[Adam Carolla]

I get like the 23 year old chick with the no st. Who works at the Starbucks in Encino. But when other contemporary middle aged comedians. He was just saying, you can't use that word. And I said, yes, I can. And he's like, no, but you can't. I just did. Yeah. Ironically end up using it more.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a funny.

[Adam Carolla]

But it is. I find it sad when comedians do that. And I also found it sad when comedians dove in during COVID and started doing a lot of policing. Like, it makes me sad when comedians start policing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all 1984. It's like, eventually the children will tell for you. We'll be our own police.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

And we'll get the, you know, the people who will like, beat you up. Figuratively.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Just do. It's crazy how, like, prescient it was. That's the wrong word. But like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, that's right.

[Ari Shafir]

Long term memory still intact. Short term gone. What's your name?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was just listening to Animal Farm. Speaking of Orwell.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You say listening, you fully own up to it. You don't say, I was reading it.

[Adam Carolla]

Nope. Anyone who listens to me knows I'm lying if I ever say things like, I was reading, reading, or I'm really concerned about my kids and their scholastic future, you know, or, you know, I was hugging one of my best friends today. Or something. They'll always know. They'll always know I'm lying.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, My thing is you can. The crowd will let you know if you can't say something. Yeah, if you just. If you just. I mean, when I started, comedy was just the tail end of being gay was enough of a joke, right? Like, look at that guy, he's gay. Everyone laugh, oh my God. He just said he's gay. And then seven or eight years later, people were like, well, that's not really. That's not a bad thing to be gay. So it just stopped working.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, and now it works again.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always funny when you try to explain why someone is gay. You go, I don't mean gay like homosexual. Like there's anything wrong with that. Like, I got gay friends. I mean gay like lame, fucked up. And then you go, oh, but aren't you making it worse by saying gay meaning bad? You know what I'm saying? Like, you go, I'm not calling that guy gay. I'm saying that's gay. Like he's a fucking idiot.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but they're like, no, but that comes from us. We're idiots for butt fucking gay. And you're like, fair. I see your point, but this conversation's gay.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And so I think retarded is fine.

[Ari Shafir]

No one's calling retarded people retarded. Not to their face. Not in an objectionable way.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I don't even call people that are like on the spectrum retarded. I call people that have no business fucking up the way they just fucked up retarded. Because I have that much confidence in them, you know?

[Ari Shafir]

But also we are comparing them to people with down syndrome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You're saying someone's lame. We're like, not even thinking about the homosexuality part. That part, that connection's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

But when you fall over nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

And I'm like, that was retarded, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm comparing you to down syndrome.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm glad. I'm glad they don't care. I'm glad we're bringing it back. I'm glad. Having a renaissance.

[Ari Shafir]

You missed that in front of congress. Where is this fucking bullshit with this colleges? You need to tell them about retard.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And the audience will let you know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, as I've always said, it's really more factual than people think. Cuz anyone who ever worked on a car, you would either advance the timing or retard the timing.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what's fire retardant?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the world's worst fire extinguisher. Or is it fire retardant like it retards? You know what I mean? It's a fire extinguisher with the mentality of a seven year old. It's retarded. It's forward, it's advance in retard. So that's fine. And so you're just retarded in that you're 37 years old, but you act, you have the mentality of a seven year old. So you are retarded.

[Ari Shafir]

I know some people, some 25 year olds are listening right now. Go. You guys are such geezers. But guys, meet us here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a funner place to be where we're at.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I agree. And also not only funner, but the worm has fully turned. The folks that were being pelted for thoughts about COVID or thoughts about the trans movement or thoughts about whomever Trump, whatever, whatever the movement was going on, who were literally having to run serpentine through society to not get pelted with a tomato now have sort of taken over.

[Ari Shafir]

It's pretty crazy. I was talking about, you know those old Amazing Races videos I did?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Ari Shafir]

So there was like, it was. I could do them in a certain time and then for the next 15 years, like, oh, I couldn't do that now. I think I could do them now again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

I think now people be like, no, no, we get it. You're just joking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's pretty fun that it's come back.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's nice that all the comedians that are really having their moment are the guys that were considered fringy or the guys who had a target on their back or the guys who Hollywood turned their back on. Or that. And it's.

[Ari Shafir]

Tim Dillon was like, I won't stop saying that. Hollywood is full of pedophiles. And they're like, they want to work with you, but they're pedophiles. I don't want to work with them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think the moral of the story, but you tell me you're talking about authenticity. And I think people smell it on people like an animal smells fear. You know what I mean? Like, they can kind of tell authenticity now. It takes a while.

[Ari Shafir]

Based. That's a new term for it. Based.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes. Yeah. But the thing about. I think the difference. I think what we just saw in the election is Kamala Harris is not authentic. You can think whatever about her policies and you can think whatever about her aesthetic, and you can think about Whatever the Biden administration. But she doesn't come across as authentic.

[Ari Shafir]

No. She comes across as, like, I'll say what I think you want me to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then Trump, who many people despise, comes across as insanely authentic, even though he's got six different bottles of Grecian formula on his head and he's got a como over the back.

[Ari Shafir]

Won't be a nice winner. Trump is New York, and Kamala was la, where everyone's pleasant here, but they're fake, and in New York, with their dicks. But at least you know what you're getting.

[Adam Carolla]

I think at this particular point in our society, we want somebody who's authentic, even over someone whose policy we agree with if we think they're full of shit.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what Patrice used to say. I'll take a racist if you're out about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to know what I'm dealing with.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we got along so well. He knew where I stood. He knew why he couldn't ride in the front seat when I drove him to the gig.

[Ari Shafir]

Patrice is a better water fountain. View around the corner, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I think about that all the time. I kind of would like my own water fountain.

[Ari Shafir]

It would be nice, but equal to something for Italians. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Irish, stay away.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mexicans. Don't get me started.

[Ari Shafir]

It's got the wrong. The wrong, like, breakdowns, but separate. Plus, it'd be.

[Adam Carolla]

If it was just for Italian guys. And at some point, there was gum shoved in it, like I used to do at my high school. I could go, come on, paisan. We're better than this. You know, I know who to blame. I know who to. Giuseppe, get over here.

[Ari Shafir]

I think we should be separate but equal. I think we lost the equal part. That wasn't enough. But we all got to stick to Jews by themselves, Italians by themselves. Blacks, Irish, everyone stick to your own. This mixing is not working.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, we talk about it, and then we separate.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So we kind of do a thing. It's a very progressive thing. Gavin Newsom, literally.

[Ari Shafir]

Was that the governor? Is he still the governor?

[Adam Carolla]

He's the governor.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. You guys don't like him.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't like him, but he literally has. There is an alert, an Amber Alert for missing kids, and they're at his house. No, no, I'm saying there's just an alert. Some may. There's an Amber Alert for missing kids, but he started an Ebony Alert for missing black kids.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, so you know what to look for?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And a feather Alert for missing American Indian. Yeah, they're lighting their loafers. Damn.

[Ari Shafir]

I guess wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this. It's weird because they go, everybody's welcome. Everyone gets a seat at the table. We're all inclusive. All right. Is everyone in the tent? Now we're gonna start breaking you off by your ethnicity and your sexual proclivities. Like, well, why are we all getting together for all this?

[Ari Shafir]

Being poor. No. You get an AMBER alert, but you're like, oh, no, it's a black one. Don't worry.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, black. Yeah. Oh, ebony alert. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Or I should take this more seriously. It's minority child.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Redhead. Kids miss. I gotta move. Yeah. Like you and I are eating lunch and at some point the meal just gets set down and my phone goes, oh, shit, white kid's missing. So I just leave 20 bucks and walk out of the restaurant a black. And then I turn around and come back. It was an ebony alert. All right. Anyway, where were we?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, this is a high end restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

There's no feathers here.

[Adam Carolla]

Of. Also, how many American Indians go missing?

[Ari Shafir]

I think most.

[Adam Carolla]

Most.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What I've heard. I thought those people had a wild.

[Ari Shafir]

Very protected.

[Adam Carolla]

But I thought they had a wild sense of direction. Like, I thought they could put their ear the ground and know which way the iron horse was coming.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. But if you're in the back of a trunk, you can't get that ear to the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad you shared that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. When that ear to the ground six feet under.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ears just a bonderized.

[Ari Shafir]

I know where I am, but how do I get out of here?

[Adam Carolla]

How do I get out?

[Ari Shafir]

They'd have to learn that. Kill Bill Punch.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. You want to know what you know in every car.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say that's manufactured in the last 20 years. There's a cord inside the trunk that you can pull.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like an emergency.

[Ari Shafir]

I fucked in one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a. It's a. It's a glow in the dark T handle that you pull on.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's in every manufactured car.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, every manufactured car. I thought it was just the Volkswagens when I was doing it, and she. My chick was like, don't worry. And it's like she got out and I was like, oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, what happened?

[Ari Shafir]

We were like fucking in Santa Monica at one of those parking lots.

[Adam Carolla]

In the trunk?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a big, roomy trunk. And obviously the fear is we're gonna die in there. But we tested it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait, hold on.

[Ari Shafir]

Sure, let's hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to discuss.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

The trunk has the T handle. It's glow in the dark. And it'll release the trunk so that you could escape from the trunk. If somebody locked you in the trunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, you were gonna have sex or did have sex.

[Ari Shafir]

A little horned up. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the backseat of the car wasn't sufficient.

[Ari Shafir]

It was a parking structure. So it's like, you know, I don't want to be showy.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it. You're six two six three. Six three.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a lot.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm saying it's a testament to how big the trunk in the jet is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lot of spunk in that trunk. So. And I hope your girlfriend was a pixie because if she was a large, if she was plus size, you know, she was Lizzo size.

[Ari Shafir]

Normal size.

[Adam Carolla]

Normal size.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you can't do that with Lizzo in a truck.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Unless you throw wings in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta lure her. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But still the sex would be difficult.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So it was back. It was like her back.

[Adam Carolla]

She's normal size. You're above average, but you're slender.

[Ari Shafir]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's in the trunk. Wait, you're both in the trunk?

[Ari Shafir]

Both in the trunk of a Volkswagen. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jetta.

[Ari Shafir]

I believe it was a Jetta.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a decent sized trunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You know cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. So you're in the Jetta. Is it her car?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's her car and might be.

[Adam Carolla]

A Daddy Lack, but you shut the, shut the lid.

[Ari Shafir]

There's the fear. So the boner goes right up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Sure. And then it's like slide down and just kind of like. It's like those. Those two in Pompeii that are like holding each other. Yeah. So kind of do that and just like.

[Adam Carolla]

So kind of kind of fetal fuck.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Fetal fuck, yeah. It's like, you ever have your dog lay with you in the morning and then you like get an inadvertent boner?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So you try to kind of keep it away. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, the boner, I think. I think women need to be a little less judgmental about the boner because they don't understand there's the inadvertent boner. There's just boner.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Unrelated to anything.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a boner. Right. But their whole thing is they're watching a six part doc on the rape of Nanking or something and now you have a boner and they think it's connected?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I was just thinking about a Chinese chick I hooked up with a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's all.

[Ari Shafir]

It just reminded me.

[Adam Carolla]

So you shut the lid?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then the latch worked great.

[Adam Carolla]

But someone must have gone for the dry run first by going in and shutting it and unlatching it themselves.

[Ari Shafir]

She was like, you can test it. I'll unlock it if you can't get out. And I was like, you can test it and I'll unlock it if you can't get out.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I'm the one with money in this relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

So she went in the trunk and you. Okay, hold on. Let me figure this out. All right, so first off, what you guys need to know is I had a Ferrari 360 Stradale, which means street, but it's essentially a Ferrari race car that's legal on the street.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. You can show me a picture for Ferrari 360 Stradale. It's a mid engine V8 car. It's an exotic sports car. It's very fast, and they're pretty expensive. I don't know. They're 300 grand. Now. They weren't that much when I had it, but one of the things I took note of is when I popped the trunk, because it had a trunk. It's a Ferrari. So the trunk is big enough for like two shoe boxes or something. It had the release mechanism in there. And I was like, no, no person. If you could find a picture of this car with the front, the bonnet, or the boot, the boots, the back, the bonnet, the front. But that's the car.

[Ari Shafir]

Who are we gonna trap that gizmo for? Keystones.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the whole. That's the whole thing.

[Ari Shafir]

Or they're mandated to. They have to. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So every car manufactured must have a trunk release mechanism. Glow in the dark, T handle in it, even if a human being could not fit inside of it. It's like you take a tee and you hang it upside down. Like when they want you to pull on something, they do a T. It's a fire alarm.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a T handle.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a little more N or H or something. But the T handle is like if there was a cord. Like, I'll put to you this way. If there's a rip cord on a parachute, you wouldn't just want a string hanging down. You'd want something where your hand would grab the tee. I don't know if you examined that thing any closer. But you know what's funny? About it. One side of it, I think is blank. We'll find a picture of the T handle at some point. The other side of it is an illustration of somebody fleeing.

[Ari Shafir]

Like you do that and run out. If you're.

[Adam Carolla]

You would run out. Yeah, yeah. There's instructions on what to do on the handle to flee.

[Ari Shafir]

To flee if someone has kidnapped you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But if you just pounded your girlfriend in the trunk of the Jetta, then it should be a thing of you smoking and talking. We need to know what the activity was that got you under the trunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Not want to flee. You might want to enjoy that.

[Adam Carolla]

If you find a picture, Joe, of one of those T handles, you will see somebody fleeing in it. All right, that's. That is my. That is the front of a 360. And there's the T handle. And it's not big enough to bang a girlfriend or barely to get an infant in because only like 6 inches deep.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's just Tyler Lee Davis in there. Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You can find. It doesn't have to be this car's T handle, but any car T's handle. So you really say to your girlfriend.

[Ari Shafir]

It was all her. She was wild.

[Adam Carolla]

You go in first.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Test it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a bold move.

[Ari Shafir]

I've got more to lose.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Ari Shafir]

Got this great girlfriend. She's got a loser for a boyfriend if she does.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, whatever. Whatever goes on.

[Ari Shafir]

Why would you run out of that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, most people who get locked in the trunk of a Jetta aren't fucking their girlfriend in a parking structure. It's more Al Qaeda related.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm doing repairs or something. Yeah. You say it's all for kidnapping. If you're gonna kidnap someone, you're not gonna remove this.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point.

[Ari Shafir]

Listen, listen. We can't lock the door. We gotta make it fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about everyone you went to high school with.

[Ari Shafir]

Got it?

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a one of them? If you put together a plot to kidnap somebody, who would have thought to fucking undo this thing? Cause that would have been before the cops rolled up on it. At some point I'd just see the trunk pop open and the half naked chick go running out. And I would yell, ray, what the fuck? And he'd go, I told Chris to take off the pool.

[Ari Shafir]

That would be like, sit on the trunk. I said, sit on it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird that they say flee though, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, they're like, don't stick around and try to talk to him. At this point, they'll close it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you think? If in fact you were abducted.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By some, you know, cartel. Some cartel. And you're on your way to a safe house in Tijuana and you did manage to pop the trunk. Do you think you would need instructions to flee? Or do you think you would just do it instinctively? Cause I feel like once that trunk popped, I would flee. I wouldn't stop and wait for instructions.

[Ari Shafir]

Would you. Why am I doing this?

[Adam Carolla]

What's next?

[Ari Shafir]

And it's a curved line. So I gotta get up over. I gotta get up over the edge. I can't. Don't trip. It's saying it's crazy that they.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have argued. If I worked for the Department of Transportation, I would go. The T handles enough. We do not know that every case is gonna involve fleeing. There could be situations where, like, infants fall in there. And the thing. Shots are people.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all that. Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't need the flea.

[Ari Shafir]

We don't need to flee.

[Adam Carolla]

You've got over your skis. There are. There will be comedians fucking their girlfriends. And we don't need it all.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Unless you're fucking someone else's girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you got to flee. You got to flee. So you got her to go for the dry run.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's impressive.

[Ari Shafir]

But it opened and I was like, all right, all right, let's go. It was sweaty in there too.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I don't feel like I could sell that to any woman I've been with. You know, you go first.

[Ari Shafir]

You could. You could you go with words.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be funny if you go. You go first. And then you just left her in there and banged her friend and another.

[Ari Shafir]

Jetta on the hood. I want you to hear boobs slapping against the truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Those ain't windshield wipers. Those are boobs, baby.

[Ari Shafir]

Those are boobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Dig it. All in. Yeah. And then would it have been weird if some other motorist who was parking in the parking structure would have overseen something like that? Would have seemed weird. Self inflicted.

[Ari Shafir]

It's my biggest fear with the Mile High Club.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Is not getting into the bathroom because no one's around, but then, like, coming out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Someone's gonna be looking at you. It's so embarrassing. Someone's gonna be waiting in line.

[Adam Carolla]

So how does it work? If you were doing Mile High.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd have to go in first and wait a little while and then have your lady come in and have people think you'd left. Is that how it would work? You couldn't both walk in.

[Ari Shafir]

You waited a while. Someone would be like, are you going in there?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

It's either open or it's.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how you do it anymore.

[Ari Shafir]

I heard one that. So you and a chick. The chick is just there with you. You act fully down syndrome retarded as you're boarding as the entire time. At some point you start acting up. You're retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like.

[Ari Shafir]

And start. It's like, oh, this. Come on. Yeah, I think he soiled himself. Or like. But you get to long con.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a reason I might be going into the bathroom with this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the Kaiser. So say yeah. And a long con. It just feels like a long time because like you could be in the sea boarding group or something, number 49. And you have to be in line all spastic and everything. But it would work.

[Ari Shafir]

It would work.

[Adam Carolla]

So I've never. Do you think in the annals of time anyone has ever locked themselves in the trunk of a Jetta and had.

[Ari Shafir]

Sex and kept it stayed in there. Oh, before me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Had to. Well, we get to that many people.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't have to go like back to the Bronze Age or anything. We could really just go back to 1982 when the Jetta was invented. You know what I mean? We don't have to go through the dawn of history. We only need to go back as far as the early 80s.

[Ari Shafir]

So that was a period too where a lot of people were like, we gotta sex in like parks or like.

[Adam Carolla]

Ball games and stuff like that.

[Ari Shafir]

Ball games?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're like sex up in the booth, you know, in the ball game and in the, in the stands.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, way, way away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, up in the booth. Well, like a skybox.

[Ari Shafir]

That would be hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Remember Toronto? They had those people fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. I remember that. So was it the part where you did it outside, like with the pressure or the possibility or the danger of being caught?

[Ari Shafir]

No, she just wanted it all the time. She was just a massive turn off.

[Adam Carolla]

And she couldn't wait till you got back to the apartment?

[Ari Shafir]

She didn't want to. She wanted to do it there in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It meant something.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. She always wanted to do it in weird spots. The Comedy Store a bunch like in the phone room.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

I used to work in this office. Like, let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

She was wild. Great fucking bouncers too. Nice milkers.

[Adam Carolla]

So big tits.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trunk fucker.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we got married at the Comedy Store. You did yeah. We dated for like two weeks. She was like, we're getting married. It was there like a week. I was like, all right. She was.

[Adam Carolla]

You backed the jet up, the band started, you popped the trunk and she came out in a full wedding dress. Dun dun. Popped.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. She was nuts. We did it in the parking lot of the. Of Hollywood Hustler.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Ari Shafir]

We was like, I'm trying to remember all the places we did it. Isn't it wild when a chick wants to do it in a dangerous place?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a part of me that makes me wonder if I should trust them long term. Like, if there's an issue, because the stuff that sounds good, like choke me just a little bit or slap me just a little bit. Sounds good.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But sort of big picture.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Is this who you want with your children? No, but they're not gonna be around for your children.

[Adam Carolla]

It's usually attached to other issues I've. I've found. You know what I'm saying?

[Ari Shafir]

I got called the F word once because I didn't slap someone hard enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I'm like, wow. Well, I want to leave.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean F word fag.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I say, I'm so old school. I think it's F. Fuck.

[Ari Shafir]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, what we need. Here's what we need.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Some rules.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we need rules. I'll give you an example. There's a guy. Look. Lawrence Taylor.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay? LT. LT.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then 17 years later, Ladanian Tomlinson came around and they called him LT. And I'm like, no, excuse me.

[Ari Shafir]

We have one.

[Adam Carolla]

We have an lt. You can't. There's a guy in the fucking hall of fame who goes by lt. Now, just because you can't drink a beer in the booth and pronounce ladanian, that's on you. That's not my fucking problem, that's on you.

[Ari Shafir]

Grow, grow, grow.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not going lt. We already have.

[Ari Shafir]

An lt. Rogan had the wherewithal to not call himself JR he knew about Ewing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

Not an asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

Ewing took it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ewing took it. The guy from Dallas took it.

[Ari Shafir]

No. That guy fucking sucks. It's J.R. ewing. J.R. writer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, J.R. from the TV show.

[Ari Shafir]

That's J.R. ewing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, I thought we're talking about. You know what? It's so funny because you went to basketball and then I went to Dallas and then I went to basketball. All right. That's J.R. ewing. Yes. So integrity is what. It's what it's called. Integrity. Integrity.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, what were we talking about lt. Oh, the F word.

[Adam Carolla]

The F word. Okay, so we got. We got fuck and we got fag.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We need delineation. We can't go the F word and mean both of them. We could go the and then a or some other thing in front of F word. Because people say on fx, that guy got bleed for dropping the F bomb. And it's like, what happened? You can't have two. Yeah. Do you hear LT drop the F bomb.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but he called a gay guy that. He called him a fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my whole point.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, we're living a world.

[Adam Carolla]

If you hear lt drop the F bomb, we don't know what the fuck is going on.

[Ari Shafir]

We have no idea what the world is.

[Adam Carolla]

No idea. My world's spinning. I gotta sit down. I gotta breathe into a bag. I have no idea what's happening.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's make sense of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know a guy who was good at football either said fuck or fact. That's all I got. Maybe that's closer than one of those.

[Ari Shafir]

Dana Thompson hit his kid. And then they're like, you can't do that. You can't hit your kid. And then we're gonna ban you. And they ask every other athlete and they're like, yeah, it's crazy. And they ask every black athlete, they're like, wait, what? And they're like, I guess no comment.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, it's funny. White guys, like, you just take white comedians and black comedians, right? White comedians will sit around and go, my mom used to hit me with a wooden spoon. And I'm still in therapy because it was so traumatic. And then black guys will go, my mom used to hit me with a car bumper. And I. And I deserved it. Woo. And they start laughing. Then they have a 1 upsmanship of parental abuse, like a car bumper. That's nothing. My mom take an oak tree, drop it on my head.

[Ari Shafir]

My mom would learn how to drive.

[Adam Carolla]

A bus just to run over me, right? Like, they have a one. I feel like you get like Anthony Anderson and these guys in a room together and wait, is that the right guy?

[Ari Shafir]

I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think so. There's a black guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Black guys have a 1 upsmanship on who beat the shit beat out of them bragging.

[Ari Shafir]

It's weird because digital victim culture, but they're overcoming it.

[Adam Carolla]

It goes like, my mom hit me with a flip flop. My mom hit me with a dress shoe. My mom hit me with a croc. You know, like, they just keep upping the ante.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Whitey, if we ever say that we talk about therapy and never wanting to touch our kids, it's another thing too, because they go, I got the beat out of me. Don't tell me I can't beat the out of my kids. Where's.

[Ari Shafir]

I've been waiting for this. That was the whole deal. My dad said one day you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't worry.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Looking forward to it. He took away my 401k while he was beating me.

[Adam Carolla]

He told me, one day I'll get to beat on my own sired son.

[Ari Shafir]

One day my hands will be tired out and I'm going to need you.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? He goes, I got beat on. So I took an oath to never beat on my kid.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah. There's two ways to handle it. For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So, trunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Exciting.

[Ari Shafir]

My next album.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys got married?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we did get married and then divorced. It was pretty easy.

[Adam Carolla]

But was she the one who wanted the tough talk?

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

The F word for choking or slapping or whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, that was another chick. It was a chick in San Diego.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel as a comedian.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And someone who lives up in your head sometimes. Because I had that happen where the chick was like, how about some dirty talk? And I was like. I would start laughing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not like I feel like enough talk. I was like, I don't have a. You hear it out of your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

But also, don't you feel like I'm gonna take you into the fucking deep waters and drown you with my spunk?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You know?

[Adam Carolla]

And then you would start laughing in the middle, like, I feel like Vin Diesel could do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You have to be kind of dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to be kind of dumb.

[Ari Shafir]

To sell yourself that this is this real actual dirty talking. You're not just faking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I couldn't. I couldn't pull it off. It was a request from my stripper.

[Ari Shafir]

You brought too far.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I've killed a few bitches. I forgot to get them out of the trunk. Yeah, I did. I mean, it's a joke I would do sometimes in my routine, but it's an actual thing that happened. I had a hot stripper chick named Lindsay. She was from England. She worked at a sort of nice strip bar, sort of, you know, dirty Double Deuce kind of, you know, kind of bar, but not fully, you know, trying to think of. What the hell was that movie where the chick was the welder? Flash dance. It was like a flash dance. He's kind of nice. Stripper. Anyway, she wanted the dirty talk and I Went too far because she wanted like traditional dirty talk and I couldn't really.

[Ari Shafir]

You're a little slut.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like up in my head like a little.

[Ari Shafir]

But you gotta wanna up and you can't do the same thing you did last year. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

She kept going like, I want you to destroy me. Like I want you to really go after me. And I kept like trying to conjure something, but I didn't have anything. And then at some point she's like, I can take it, you know, give it to me. And I just said, I don't care for your parents. She got pissed off, but I was looking at it like, you really want to be fucked up?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'm not gonna go to the sexual stuff if you want me to hurt you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because there's a contact for you little bitch or your little skank or your little. We know what that is.

[Ari Shafir]

And then did she stop right there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she was pissed. She was like, what the fuck? And I was like, I thought this is what we're doing.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, well, let's get me to come first and we'll talk about it. Yeah, let's get me clear headed. That's so funny. I called a girl at pig once and she was like, what? And I was like, oh, I don't know, like a dirty pig. She's like, don't say that. And she's like, all right, I guess we'll stop. She goes, no, finish. And I'm like, no, now I'm having trouble. She was just scolded.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird that I think we don't really have a mode in the bedroom where we can throw the red flag and call for a replay and stop the action. Once we get going, we're going. And at some point even guys will be like, you'll hear like. And you're like, oh, damn, your roommate's at the Just keep. You know, the guys are like, just keep going. Or that's the fire marshal and they're telling us to evacuate. It's like, come on, we gotta keep. Women can stop hard right there. They just stop and go, what the fuck was that?

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, oh, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Also, do guys ever like dirty talk? No. We see a chick in front of us naked. That's so filthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I. Plenty. That's seem. My whole thing is like when people are like, well, what about, you know, it feels good. Chick eats a Mentos and then gives you a blow job. And I'm like, the Blow job is never broken.

[Ari Shafir]

Blowjob is great.

[Adam Carolla]

The blowjob is great. I need that shit. When I go to the Monday morning on the construction site. Let's try to figure out ways to make my life better while I'm getting a blowjob. We're at the pinnacle. It's not. We don't need to look for ways to improve this thing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

There are many other things that are broken in my life.

[Ari Shafir]

Condom. Make that a little nicer.

[Adam Carolla]

Work on every face. Work on my relationship with my dad. You know what I mean? But not in the context of a blowjob. But what I'm saying is there are many other things to improve.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In my life.

[Ari Shafir]

Over. Let's try it with. And then you gotta get an Altoid.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Mentos or whatever. Whatever it is. I'm just saying. I don't know. I kind of feel I'm with you in that. I don't. So here's the thing. You go to a good deli and you get a good pastrami sandwich, and we're done.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't need to do their version of it. Or. Here's my version. Or Fusion or this one. We use golden raisins on the. It's like, fuck it. You're not gonna do better than.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not gonna do better than fucking in a blowjob. I don't need to be pegged. I don't need the plugs. I don't need the oimo. This. This lube heats up. You know, we're here. Yeah, this is good.

[Ari Shafir]

There's lube heats up.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This candy cane vibrates. And this lube heats up. And it's. I'm even. I'll go that far with lingerie.

[Ari Shafir]

Why change anything? Why have it.

[Adam Carolla]

What are we doing?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, what are we doing?

[Adam Carolla]

You get naked.

[Ari Shafir]

It's better to have no underwear on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

If I lift up a skirt or take down jeans, there's no underwear. Like, that's so much better than lingerie.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you. It's like the ultimate crotchless underwear are no underwear.

[Ari Shafir]

It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the ultimate crotchless underwear.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, wow, that's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a vagina. That's what I'm looking for.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me ask you this.

[Ari Shafir]

Not a fucking. I'm not looking to marry the vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

Veil over it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you did marry the vagina at some point. But here's a question. Are the guys who like the high boots, the lingerie, the riding crop, the lube that heats up the butt plug, Are they more into it than us, or are we more into it because we're pure? We don't need anything more pure. You know what mean? Like, you know, Tyson didn't wear socks. And as we found out that Jake Paul fight didn't wear underwear either.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyson entered the ring with boxing shoes, but he would never wear socks.

[Ari Shafir]

Why? He's like, I'm not gonna be here long enough to make these sweaty.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't have a robe. He had a fucking towel with a hole cut and he'd put over his head, he doesn't wear underwear. He's like, I'm a fucking warrior. I'm a Viking warrior. I come to do battle and slay this guy. Nobody. No. None of the Spartans wore socks.

[Ari Shafir]

So you're saying I need a butt plug not because I'm super sexual, but because I'm not sexual enough?

[Adam Carolla]

That butt plug is Tyson's socks. He doesn't need those socks.

[Ari Shafir]

For the record, I should not put me in that. In that example.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but what I'm saying is you don't need all the accoutrements. You just need that Langer's Deli thick pastrami sandwich.

[Ari Shafir]

You know how like Native Americans sometimes would be like, I gotta load this up with spice because I can't taste anything because we have an extra spicy link to, you know, so it's like this is all bland to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

But you and I, right, I can enjoy some. Some bland food.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Just a nice, I don't know, white fish salad after. After shul. I can get off on that. Native Americans, like, this tastes like air. We're more into it.

[Adam Carolla]

So. All right, we've agreed that a lot here. The guys who do not want any of these sexual accoutrements are more into.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's not the butt plug guys and the strap on guys and all that. All the vibrating things. It's not that they're gay. It's that they're asexual. It's that they're. That. That's what it is. They're just not in tune. Yeah, you need extra to get hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do you come down on edibles and, you know, the guys that are huffing shit, you know, before they. What?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, to make it feel better once.

[Adam Carolla]

Again, you'd have to.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do we need to improve this facet of life once we lost Michael.

[Ari Shafir]

Hutchins is this really worth the risk.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. One of the greats.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Still charts in Australia.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always weird when good looking people die or die. Beating off. We always go, why would he have to.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he's good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

What's he beating off for?

[Ari Shafir]

Can you just get a model come over and leave?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get one of the guitar girls from that guy's video to come over.

[Ari Shafir]

And suck your dick. How long till you get here? 12 minutes now. I'll just do it myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, where's my noose?

[Ari Shafir]

It is fast. You ever lie next to a woman and knowing you could have sex? A hot woman, like, I'll just masturbate. I just don't want to get into this right now. I just want to go just like one minute and be done with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a friend once say, I don't remember when I was like 19. He went, sex is good, but it's not the real thing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not what?

[Adam Carolla]

The real. So funny.

[Ari Shafir]

That's so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can we agree on this?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, well, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just say sex and masturbation. I don't think women fully understand that in our mind, they're two separate things. And as much as. And as good as. The one thing is, you'd have the same thing that if you ate at two steakhouses two nights in a row and then one of your buddies went, let's go out to dinner. I want to go to a steakhouse. You'd go, let's get Thai food.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they go, you don't like steak? It's like, no, no, steak's great. Love steak. But just.

[Ari Shafir]

I had it.

[Adam Carolla]

I want something else. Yeah, it's different.

[Ari Shafir]

It's both food.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not bad. It's good. It may be your favorite, but it's still different than this thing. And I'm in the mood for different.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So after a couple American steaks, you want a tie?

[Adam Carolla]

You want a nice tie, boy? Yeah, a little. A nice tie, Tucker.

[Ari Shafir]

A little tie, if you know what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a little tuck on that tie. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll come back with more. Who knows what we're going to talk about with Ari Shafara right after this. What do you mean?

[Ari Shafir]

To go down this road?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, New Year's resolution. Vow to eat healthier. But what about your beloved pets and their nutrition? Yeah, you're doing better. But they're getting a bunch of dried up old kibble. Dr. Dennis Black created Ruff Greens and Meow Greens to bring their dead food back to life with live vitamins and minerals, probiotics, enzymes, omega oils, antioxidants and more. See, pet food is dead food and eat dead food. Soon enough you're going to join it. You need to bring it to life all by the way in a tasty formula your dog or cat will love. It'll improve their coat digestion, energy and mean less vet bills. I've been doing this with Phil holding a sack right now. Vita Smart. You don't have to buy food and keep it in the refrigerator. You just sprinkle this on top of the food you're currently serving your dog or your cat. Get a Jumpstart trial bag. It's normally 20 bucks. It's free with the promo code Adam. You just cover shipping. It's a free Jumpstart trial bag. That's it. You just go to ruffgreens.com use the code ADAM, try it out for free. Your dog's going to love it and you'll notice the difference quickly in your dog's vigor and health. Rough greens so good your pet will ask for it by name. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Ari Shafir]

Whether you're in the mood to solve.

[Adam Carolla]

A little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV stream now pay Never. Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the adam Krolla show. BETOnline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Betonline Bet online. The game starts here. It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey Adam Cody from Las Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a thought as I was.

[Ari Shafir]

Listening to all your talk about the fires in California. California is big into all the electric car stuff. They want everyone to go electric for the environment. But what happens next time there's a fire and the electricity goes off and in their beautiful world every got an.

[Adam Carolla]

Electric car and then there's no place.

[Ari Shafir]

To charge them because all the electricity's gone down.

[Adam Carolla]

Just curious on your thoughts.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks for the show. Have a great day. Bye.

[Adam Carolla]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Ari Shafir is back. The new special. Well, I'll get you a little more water if you want.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

America, sweethearts. Very funny. Taped in D.C. i don't know where.

[Ari Shafir]

In D.C. the Capitol turnaround. I wanted to take that message to Washington to get off the news, stay anti political.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great. I mean the little experiment that no one wants to do is you go somewhere, you are somewhere for me, I go to Laguna Seca up north in Monterey and I do a car race every year and I'm there for like six days and when I come back I'm like, I have no idea what happened. I was at the track the whole time or at whatever party. Yeah. There's no sitting around, watch tv. Just don't know what's going on.

[Ari Shafir]

It's great though.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, you're thinking about something.

[Ari Shafir]

You're thinking about racing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, you do. And it's liberating in the sense that you know what I think it really is. I don't know. Let's see if we can explore this from a psychological standpoint. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Because I same way I feel free when I'm like away with the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you feel free? Is the question. And I think psychologically, and it depends how you're wired, people say to me, like, where's you ever bring your phone in the studio? I go, no, I've never bring my phone in the studio. And they go, but what if there's an emergency? I go, I don't really want to know. You know what I mean? They go, what if your dad died? I'd go, well, he's dead.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'll find out in 45 minutes when I walk out of the studio.

[Ari Shafir]

The only real emergency is someone needs your blood as a transfusion right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Or this place is on fire, get out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

And then they'll tell you they're not texting you. They're not gonna text you about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Trapped in the trunk of a Jetta and she can't get out. Air's running.

[Ari Shafir]

Some Jew's with her get her. Get her before it's too late.

[Adam Carolla]

So I realized that while the news itself is depressing, it's not just the hearing of the news. It's a little bit of a call to action. Like, you feel like you need to be doing something, correcting it somewhere, and then you're not doing something.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You know that feeling after someone dies that you know, and there's a little thing like, oh, we gotta do a fundraiser or something. Cause it's all based on, like, how can I change it?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Make him not right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And your body can't comprehend. You can't. It takes about a week or whatever to realize, oh, he's just gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So that with the news or with whatever those call to actions you do.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Ari Shafir]

You feel like I should be doing something.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not just Syria. Right. It's not just hearing it, though. It's like, why aren't you? And inevitably, there's somebody doing something who's better than you. You know what I mean? They go in a thing. And we're interviewing the lead surgeon for Doctors Without Borders, who's put together a team. He was a highly decorated surgeon in Cedar Sinai. He left his cushy confines of Bel Air to get on a cargo plane and tend to the teeth. And you're like, I was gonna beat off, and then I was gonna have some tasty cakes. I'm thinking, Thai food tonight.

[Ari Shafir]

It's gonna recycle after I drank this bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. That's something. Right? Yeah. There's inevitably some. Somebody has mobilized and you haven't.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, It's a lot of that. But, you know, I just realized as you were saying, that you feel, like, free when you're away from it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

So, like, right now, you and I, not with the phone, but just in general walking around today, we don't feel free.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

But if you had just gotten out of prison doing the same stuff, you'd feel freedom.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

You'd feel it more.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And that phone is like a prison.

[Adam Carolla]

That's interesting. Yeah. No, you're right. In that kind of perspective, I mean, it's back to when you're healthy. You don't appreciate it until you get sick, and then you wish you'd give anything to feel that way. And it's hard to appreciate any status quo. So if you just feel this way yesterday, the day before, and the day after, why should you wake up and.

[Ari Shafir]

Click your heels in Hawaii eventually? Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether.

[Ari Shafir]

I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But the guy who just got let out of the joint feels that. And the key to happiness is to have some of that on a consistent basis. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It is weird, though. Connected is like you can't do anything about this stuff. You feel like you're supposed to, so you just feel this anxiety all the time about, like. I mean, forget, like, Syria or something like that. But even, like, here, even, like, voting is like, your vote doesn't really mathematically matter much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think a lot of people feel like they have to tweet something or say something.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's a way in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird. It's a burden. Like, sometimes you'll just be in a Trader Joe's, there'll be some chick in front of you, and she'll want to talk to you about Trump or something like that. And you realize she just feels like she needs to evoke and push this thing. This thing out in front of her. And it's like, it's an obligation. And I don't like it. And it's weird. It's sort of like.

[Ari Shafir]

Because, like, if you liked a TV show, you wouldn't feel obligated to tell everybody. You tell some friends, maybe. Oh, you're into sci fi. I just watch a show you might like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But that's about it. You wouldn't burden anybody with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I feel like, what is this? The number one show that people try to get me to watch is the Wire.

[Ari Shafir]

You won't watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I should. But if people come, I have a thing where if, like, you refuse, everyone's.

[Ari Shafir]

Trying to get you to watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

If three people tell me to watch something, I'll watch it. Once it gets to 10 people, then I become a conscientious.

[Ari Shafir]

Here's the crazy thing about the first year is it's slow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So it's. People watch, like, what is this? It's like you had to just be along for the ride. But I heard it referred to as. There's two types of people. People who have watched people who love the Wire, and people who have not yet watched the Wire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That good.

[Ari Shafir]

But it was pretty solid. But now it's overhyped. You'll never like it. What is these two Ls? Is that a lean tower of.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at my logo.

[Ari Shafir]

Is that twin towers right as they're being hit?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I was trying to capture.

[Ari Shafir]

Keep looking at them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, the weirdest thing is, I don't know why with the Wire, but it makes me laugh. People Mike August, who books all my live shows. Good guy. Travel the world with the guy and all he does is talk to me about the Wire, you know, I mean, like, forget the Sopranos, this is the wire. You know, any. Anytime a black guy passes us, he goes, that guy looks like the actor played Jody on the wire, you know, and it's a wire, wire, wire, right? It's all eight years of traveling the country, him telling me about the wire, and then at some point we end up at a P. F Chang's out on the road like in Denver or something.

[Ari Shafir]

You guys are killing it.

[Adam Carolla]

We're killing it. And we're in a casino somewhere, I think, and the 26 year old waitress chick comes by and we're just talking to her and some point she goes, I don't have tv, I don't have cable, so I don't watch any of the shows or something. And I don't know, Mike's going like, do you recognize this guy from TV or something? She goes, I don't have any, any TV shows. I don't watch it. I don't have cable, I can't afford it. I don't have anything. The only thing I ever watch is the Wire. And Mike's like, okay, when's our Kung Pao chicken coming? And I'm like, mike, hello. Skimmed right over this bitch saying the only show she's ever seen in the wild is your favorite show and you have no reaction to it.

[Ari Shafir]

Could have fucked her in a Jetta in the parking lot right then, oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Gone off the cliff in the back of the Jeddah. I feel. Do you feel that way? I feel that way about, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, hey, someone's right now, someone's to connect with in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I. It's so, it's. I feel that way about women who have a name that's off, that's also a popular song and they've never heard the song and they don't know what you're talking about. And you're like, you're like you're 33. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

No one's mentioned to you and all.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad didn't sing it to you when you were seven? Like, Nah, never heard of it. My producer on my morning show. Yeah, right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

No one said that.

[Adam Carolla]

No Tommy 2 tone references at all. Dawson, remember Angie, the producer and Kroc? Yes, Kayla said my morning show. I mean, we're going back 15, more than 15 years. She's a contemporary. She's not 14. She didn't know the Stones. Angie.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Correct. I was like, this is a Rolling Stones hit. And the song came out about the time you were born. I mean, for all I know, you're, you know. Because Angie. What, Dawson, like, 70 or something, and producer Angie was, you know, I was five, seven years old or whatever, started.

[Ari Shafir]

To attack on her because how would she go to look it up? It's like, how would society not have told her?

[Adam Carolla]

No one from school. 73. 73. And that's. Right. Ballpark. That's her. She was probably born in 75 or 76, but. Right, right. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

So Rolling Stones and not a B side.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it is on her.

[Ari Shafir]

Should she. How does she know what to look up? She doesn't know what to look up.

[Adam Carolla]

What, her attorney. No, I'll tell you why.

[Ari Shafir]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

It's come up before and she's ignored it. She just kind of pushed past it.

[Ari Shafir]

So when she said, I've never heard of that, like, that's bullshit. You definitely have.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, you know, when people go, you know, you'll say to them, like, this is every conversation I've ever had with. With my mom. And probably most women where you go, you know that thing they always advertise, Remember there's that Zima or whatever it is. Like, you say something that they're making a hard push on, and they go, I've never. I don't know what you're talking about. And I go, you've seen the billboards, you know, and they go, nah, I've never. I've never seen.

[Ari Shafir]

I've driven with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then at some point, you summon it up. Like, you pull it up and they go, oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen that. They always do that.

[Ari Shafir]

And they go, well, where was that? When you were positive you've never seen it, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

They were positive they've never heard of it, or whatever. So somebody inevitably brought it up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

She just skirted past it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

I had a friend who was. We all knew was gay, never came out. We had other friends that came in, was like, oh, it's cool you guys are friends with a gay guy. Like, it's not even a question kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And. But he never came out, never did anything. And. And. And. And also was a virgin until he was 30. And we're like, maybe he's just never thought. Maybe considered it. But then, same thing. Like someone's come up to him and said, oh, what's the gay scene like here?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

And that must have happened 50 times.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

@ some point you go, do people think I'm gay?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

So he must have. He just had to push it off. Here's another problem. Why is there a period at the end of this? It's not a full sentence.

[Adam Carolla]

The Adam Carolla Show.

[Ari Shafir]

There's no verb.

[Adam Carolla]

I have. I am functionally illiterate.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I have. No.

[Ari Shafir]

The only verb is the following of the twin Towers that you're referencing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Again, I didn't design it.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe, didn't we have some stuff, some vids or something I wanted to get into.

[Ari Shafir]

I love the Adam Carolla show. That's a. I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see him on that there. I know we got the wet floor fight, which is kind of interesting, but what were my other favorite tweets I talked to you about tweets of the weeks. I like to just. Favorite stuff. Let's see. What did I favorite with you? There's a good fight in an airport.

[Ari Shafir]

Love that.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of airport fighting going on.

[Ari Shafir]

This just to be that angry about someone to lean the seat back or somebody pushing instead of, like, let them go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's the fights in the plane. Yeah, whatever. I. You have to look at my tweets there. But what I have.

[Ari Shafir]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm taking a stand today at the bike lane one. I don't think that's. Is that on here? Oh, something anyway we can. Yeah, but is that on? Sorry. Yeah. All that stuff should be on the top of your list. Is not on there. Scott Galloway. No, no, this is. This is an old. This an old. The wrong list.

[Ari Shafir]

Who's that? That's Gavin Newsom.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I'm. All right, well, Gavin Newsom, I think we need the new list.

[Ari Shafir]

Is that Gavin Newsom? We'll get into it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's watch this airport fight here for a sec. I don't think you should show pictures of Gavin Newsom and just get into this airport fight. And I would need the list that reflected whatever it is we talked about. There we go. So I don't know where this is.

[Ari Shafir]

But these guys, they're picking up the wet floor signs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the wet floor. And they're using them as a weapon, but it's really.

[Ari Shafir]

They're kind of light.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying it's.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like a wrestling.

[Adam Carolla]

You've seen enough pro wrestling. Like, a folding chair barely does anything right. Yeah, but it looks good.

[Ari Shafir]

Where are the cops?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. These are Jews fighting Asians. Oh, wait a minute. No. These are people of color who are fighting with the. Now, I don't know if you get charged with a weapon, if you used a wet floor sign, and then also.

[Ari Shafir]

You'Re putting other people in danger because they might slip on the wet floor. You've moved it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would bet you. Technically, the person that was injured the most severely in this melee was probably the person who slipped walking out after taking a piss. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know what I mean? What happened? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And especially if you're. I will walk and zip my fly up to try to save time.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're. No, you don't have. You don't have that mountain goat footing. When you're looking down, trying to get.

[Ari Shafir]

Your fly up and you go to.

[Adam Carolla]

A flight, your feet are always a little too close together. You're not in a prone position. You're not like a center fielder when you're trying to get that.

[Ari Shafir]

When you know, it's wet, you walk this slow, slowly, and push over. I like the standoff they had at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Should we just stop?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just stop. We had that. I had another vid that I wanted to get into.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a pretty solid one.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know where you're at with cyclists, but I am one and.

[Ari Shafir]

I hate them also.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My feeling is, ride your bike. Drop the attitude. Like, I know you think you're better than I am because you're doing this.

[Ari Shafir]

When you're dressed up as it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Off. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Just wear your jeans. Go to wherever you're going. That's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So there's this vid that. That I saw online where the guy is driving. He's riding his bicycle.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And he. There is an open lane on the left for cyclists. It's like three or four feet wide marked off for cyclists. Right. But he's choosing not to use that lane. He is instead riding in the middle of the road.

[Ari Shafir]

Now, this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll play it. And there's a car that wants to go around him because he's going slow. Now I want to know who's in.

[Ari Shafir]

The bike lane right now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in the.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in the middle.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh. The video is from a biker.

[Adam Carolla]

The POV is from the bike. The cyclist.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. You gotta get in the bike lane. There is a dedicated bike lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

You do this when there's no dedicated bike lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

But when there's so much traffic.

[Adam Carolla]

Get in there.

[Ari Shafir]

There's options to get in there's.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody on it, Right?

[Ari Shafir]

Get in there.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's that jackass who goes, I have as much right to this road as you do. I'm just going 30 miles an hour slower than you. And so he's.

[Ari Shafir]

He's like, go around.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, go around to over. But there's oncoming traffic, so why would you risk a head on collision? Why not just move over to. By the way, the lane is marked for cyclists.

[Ari Shafir]

It's marked. Listen, I get it if there's no lane, right? There's a lane. They do this in New York with their bike lane. Someone coming down the wrong way and you're like, go. And like, you go out. I'm like, I can't see behind me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Go the right way. I completely agree. You have to.

[Ari Shafir]

Where is this somewhere?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's somewhere in Europe. And at some point, the cyclist catches up to the woman who's in the.

[Ari Shafir]

Who honked.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here. She's gonna settle. He's gonna settle her hash by banging on the car window. What was that about? What was that about? You kn. You're too close. I don't have to be in it.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't peep your horn, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

Happy Christmas.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't run over cyclists. That's terrible driving. That's terrible. Some old lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Happy Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Jeez. All right. Why make yourself into a victim? You have a lane. You can ride in that lane. Listen, cyclists, I rode a bike for a long time when I was a kid. When I was adult. Well, you move the fuck over. That's the whole thing. You just move over.

[Ari Shafir]

Also, even if you're in that lane, there's no bike lane. You slide as far over as you can in the regular lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Forget about rules of the road, Forget about courtesy. There is £5,000 worth of steel behind you. And somebody who's probably medicated, who's probably texting and just got into a fucking big blowout argument with their girlfriend who's texting.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're gonna risk it and you.

[Adam Carolla]

Got £80 worth of you and Huffy and you're fucked. So just for your own preservation.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

God damn.

[Adam Carolla]

What is.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's like. And then if you're in the car, you're like, I kind of. You're making me want to hit you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

You're making me think about it. You start looking around for cameras and you're like, this is. Yeah, I don't think you know my mindset. I'm looking for cameras, bro. You need to get off the road.

[Adam Carolla]

You're riding in the middle of the lane, and you're telling the person to go around. But that's into oncoming traffic versus driving in a dedicated bike lane.

[Ari Shafir]

Wish there was a way for us all to not have to go into incoming traffic. It's. Oh, there's this lane that has a picture of a bicycle on it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Stenciled. Go ahead and occupy it, bitch. What's up with cyclists? When did they become better than us?

[Ari Shafir]

I like the city bike people, the rented. They're just functional. Like, I've got to get somewhere, dock it and go.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I went.

[Ari Shafir]

They don't act better. They're like, I'm scared and also aggressive, but not like. Yeah, they're not like the roads, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I do love when people have lost it. When there's like some tourists taking a picture and they go, bike lane.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, bike lane.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like, calm yourself down. They're not gonna change. They're not gonna change.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, guy was on this show a couple of weeks ago. Scott Galloway.

[Ari Shafir]

Sounds like a loser.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he did. He did gamble and lose. Because somebody sent me this video. Cause he was just on the show. Now he's a rich guy.

[Ari Shafir]

He bet 358. Why 358,000, I'll tell you. Oh, the odds. He wanted an even mill.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna explain, right? You know, you must know gambling.

[Ari Shafir]

You got 358.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll explain. And by the way, this is why you shouldn't gamble. Because his explanation makes perfect sense. But he lost. So here we go. I'll tell you what I'm doing. This afternoon. I'm gonna bet $358,000 on Harris, because.

[Ari Shafir]

On Polymarket, it's 62.

[Adam Carolla]

38. Because my observation is that the people who go to these betting sites tend to be younger, tend to be more male, and they're much more Trump.

[Ari Shafir]

The statistics in the polls, every A.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus quality poll shows it is a toss up within the margin of error with a slight advantage to Trump. So if I said to you, stephen, I'm going to flip a coin, you have to pick heads or tails. If you bet a dollar, though, you're going to get $2.90 back. You would take that bet because, say.

[Ari Shafir]

It'S a 50% or close to 50%.

[Adam Carolla]

Likelihood, but the payoff is 2.8 to 1 on a risk adjusted basis. You're getting free risk adjusted return. If I win, I get a million bucks back. So even if the edges to him on a risk adjusted basis. It's a great bet.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow. He's not getting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great bet.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That his wife is super pissed about.

[Ari Shafir]

She's pissed twice now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, just the ones.

[Ari Shafir]

Just the one loss. I actually don't care the tax breaks.

[Adam Carolla]

I like Scott, but. And that. That is. He is right. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. If you're getting good odds. If someone's 50, 50 is the wrong. If there's a 60 40, like you win this 60% of time over me. I win 40% of time, but I'm getting 10 to 1. I'll bet on the guy who's an underdog.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Ari Shafir]

Because it's just.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're not going to get 10 to 1 on 60, 40 very often unless you really know.

[Ari Shafir]

Unless you move shit around. Like bet DSI or something. Like change the odds or there's some fuck up.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right, exactly. But like also his reasoning is like, I don't think that's right. Like the people who bet tend to be this. They're just gamblers. They don't have a team.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it makes sense that young men gamble the higher rate than young women. Like, I don't. I don't know any women who gamble. Unless you count fucking in a Jedi with a close. I mean, maybe the ultimate gamble, getting with Ari Shaffer in the trunk of.

[Ari Shafir]

A Jetta, a parking truck maybe don't tell your dad about this.

[Adam Carolla]

The ultimate roll the dice. A roll in the hay with AR Shabir.

[Ari Shafir]

So that's a bad bet. The negative there is death. The positive is just possibly an orgasm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He can't before the odds. You're betting on the opposite side, getting bad money.

[Adam Carolla]

Also in your. It struck me there's a man show. A man show pit that goes way back. And when I was watching your standup special, you were talking about fashioning yourself a man pon. And I thought struck me when I was watching it, it was a funny bit. But I was like, I think we did a manpon bit in the man show.

[Ari Shafir]

Toilet paper coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll see that. You'll see the bit.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice big.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, buddy. You are sweating your ass off. I know, it's hot. No, I mean you're really sweating from the ass. I'm so ashamed. Don't worry, pal. You just need a little help back there. This is my secret.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Try it. It's like a cool spring breeze blowing through your ass cheeks. At this point, I'll try anything. Posterior perspiration. Is an embarrassing problem. It can leave you feeling less than fresh. Man ponds discreetly between your cheeks like a hot dog in a bun. Super absorbent man pounds. Whip away moisture to get your crack back on track. That's what I need where the action is.

[Ari Shafir]

That's exactly what I need when I'm bleeding after a shit. Nice hook, Jim.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice job. Hey, Jimmy, you look great.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you get a haircut or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a haircut. Thanks, buddy. Don't thank me. Thank man Pines.

[Ari Shafir]

Man. Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a flashback to an old man.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I got a man get a haircut. Yeah. That must be a just incredibly hot woman too. Not even. Just like someone he could get with no context. 9.8. Just add a community rec gym.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you in New York?

[Ari Shafir]

Are you out here? No, I'm in New York. I live there. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you at?

[Ari Shafir]

East Village.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a little. Kind of little, like bro y and Woo girly.

[Adam Carolla]

What's Woo girly? Oh, really? That's Woo girl.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a little lame. The NYU parents found out that area was. Was now safe and then like, oh, oh, okay. Find my kid an apartment there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So weekdays is still pretty cool, but weekends is. Is. It's not as. It's not as cool. I want a little bit of. I want a little bit of coke and heroin back. Danger.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I. You want a little patina?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And every time I see a coke deal, a street coke dealer, the coke coke, I'm like, no, but stick around the neighborhood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be back.

[Ari Shafir]

The patois.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you don't want the Eminem store.

[Ari Shafir]

Next door, the East Village picketed Starbucks and 711 from opening. And it wasn't like they're evil or anything. They were just like, this isn't the vibe of this area.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I get it. I've never. Nothing good has ever happened outside of or in a 7 11. Like, every time I pass a 7 11, I'm always glad I'm not in it. Yeah, it's always. It looks. The aesthetic is weird. It's way, way too, way too bright.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's rest stops and that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't, like, color palette is weird. It always. Whatever corner it's on just got a little uglier.

[Ari Shafir]

Huh. And they have their own, like, gummies, like the 7 11. Oh, they do have everything, you know. Yeah. Condoms. You get 7:11.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, oh, there is. I haven't even been in one. In a long time. But I'm not.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally. I'm not normally for the, you know, picketing of the Whatever business. But I get the 711 and the Starbucks.

[Ari Shafir]

They're like, don't come here. So Starbucks met him halfway. Like, how about we change the awning to. Instead of the green awning, we'll make it look, like distressed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, kind of like a hip whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

And they're like, hey, we did the market research. We're coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

We don't give a fuck about your values here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you like it, but you feel like it's getting a little too gentrified.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, a little bit too. I like just the right level of gentrification. I don't like no gentrification.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's why I'm. And I'm there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. You don't want to go full, like, getting shivved walking out.

[Ari Shafir]

No. So first you go bad neighborhood. Then you have the artists who's like, I can't afford anything, and I can see the beauty in this. Then they bring the gays.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Because the artist makes some coolness. And gays like, ooh, that's interesting. Then once a few gays come and their artist, gays too, then that's my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's when you roll in.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, okay. Little dangerous fun. Actually. We don't go down that block, but we're still cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Gays will clean up any neighborhood. God, they're really. They're like some bacteria that just pull the shunt out of it, if you.

[Ari Shafir]

Know what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They'll just show up and clean the place up. Like, you want the property values to go up, get the gays to move in.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's what it is. Kurt Metzky's dude spoke about you needed gays, Jews in a Chinatown to be a real city.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

If you have two of the three, it doesn't quite work.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I would kind of argue that it'd be nice if LA had a Little Italy, but it doesn't.

[Ari Shafir]

No, it does not. You have fake. Fake Italians.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

We're mad and go, I'll come back there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We don't have a Little Italy. We don't. And what's nice about New York is Little Italy's right up against Chinatown.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it encroaches all the time. You see, like, this is it Little Italy. And it's like, why are all those Oriental signs here? Yeah, they've moved in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Chinatown's hardcore in New York, like.

[Ari Shafir]

You'Re in another country.

[Adam Carolla]

There's, like, shit hanging in the window. Like geese hanging in the window and stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, animals you don't even know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a pangolin. It's a pangolin.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's where Covid.

[Ari Shafir]

It probably happened, right? The wet market in New York. They blamed it on Wuhan. That was a PR job.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like wet and market are just two words that really don't need to go together.

[Ari Shafir]

It really does. Unless you're selling pickles, you really don't need it. You really don't need it. Even. That's like running your hand into this fucking jar of dill.

[Adam Carolla]

So you. It is weird. I always find it interesting the things we have sort of sanitary rules for and then things we don't have sanitary rules for.

[Ari Shafir]

Like what?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you take something like a tub of popcorn.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Most of the guys, you know, like, they open the bathroom door with their sleeve or they push it with their foot, but you would hand the tub, and the hand goes to the mouth. Goes straight to the mouth and then right back in. And then you pass it over that way and pass it over that way. No qualms. The pickle tub. I got a pickle tub in my refrigerator right now. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying I'm burning. You know, you get to a certain place in life and you get a pickle tub.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. If you want a piece of ice and like, whoa, whoa. Tong.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Why? It's for my drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So everyone has taken their hand putting it inside the tub of briny water and pulling a pickle out. Times 20 employees.

[Ari Shafir]

Do they say the briny water kills the germs?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But if you took a chip and you bit the chip and then went back for a double dip in the guac, someone would say something.

[Ari Shafir]

So I'm like, what are you doing?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

That.

[Ari Shafir]

That chip touched the outside of your mouth. Just an inch of it.

[Adam Carolla]

But popcorn, that's allowed. Pickles, no problem.

[Ari Shafir]

Here's one. You ever have someone. Picklebacks are fun. I like a pickleback. And sometimes somebody's like, let's make a pickle back. And like, oh, I have pickles in my. In my. In my fridge. We'll do that. Get some whiskey. And then they pour it. And you're like, right. No, no, no. This is your fridge.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Your hand. Your hand deep in that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Deep.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not drinking that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

No way.

[Adam Carolla]

Pickleback sounds like a nickelback cover band. Every time the word girl is in their song, they just say dill. I would watch Pickleback.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'd watch Pickleback. That'd be a great one. Yeah, that'd be a great cover band.

[Adam Carolla]

Man. My favorite Howie Mandel story is I did the popcorn thing with Howie Mandel.

[Ari Shafir]

Did what popcorn thing?

[Adam Carolla]

I was backstage.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, Dick?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not Dick. Through the bottom of the tub of popcorn. He came walking into a place, a club. I was playing just. He was eating next door.

[Ari Shafir]

Germaphobe, if people don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. In, like, Calabasas. And he came walking in, and he just ate barbecue. He went to a barbecue joint, and at the barbecue joint, they hand you, like, a box of popcorn. You can. From a barrel, you know? And he. And so he comes walking backstage, and he just comes walking in, like, hey. And I'm like, oh, hey, Howie. And he goes, hey, popcorn. I go, huh? He's offering it to everyone in my crew. Popcorn. Popcorn. See? And after about 30 seconds, I'm like, what is this? Everyone with their hand and in the mouth and the hand. He won't shake hands. What's with the popcorn? And I said to him, and this has been very instructive, and I would ask that you remember this story, because it puts everything into perspective. I go, howie, I don't get it. Such a germaphobe, but yet you're sharing this lid of popcorn with everybody. And he just looked at me and he goes, adam, you don't get it. I'm crazy. I went, oh, yes, you're crazy. That's right. That's. That's. Now, no more discussions, no arguments.

[Ari Shafir]

Make sense. That's just the way. That's so fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Apply that to all facets of life.

[Ari Shafir]

Apply it to everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Apply it to everything, and you shall flourish. Because you're trying to take your sane brain and wrap it around.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm dumb. Oh, right. Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. He's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. If that biker, that bicyclist was like, why don't you get over? He's like, I was listening to music. I wasn't even thinking about it. What a dumb move on my part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or I'm crazy. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm a little.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll work. Yeah. And also crazy. If Howie Mandel was wildly consistent in his behavior, then he wouldn't be crazy. He would be consistent.

[Ari Shafir]

That's right. He'd be an outside the box thinker.

[Adam Carolla]

Outside the popcorn box.

[Ari Shafir]

He's a crazy guy. When you see him like, hey, Howie. And from 10ft away, you have to pretend to bump elbows.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say, I think the fist bump, it may have. We may be at a. Not as a saturation point, but we may be 51% versus 49. Handshake.

[Ari Shafir]

Handshake to fist bump. You see a lot of people doing it now. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a de facto thing. And also I realized you can't let people hang when they do the fist bump. There's no hanging. You could have the fucking worst divorce ever, spend all your money and walk out of the courtroom. And your ex wife's attorney, when the thing was done, could hold up the fist bump. And you'd like, begrudge. You get.

[Ari Shafir]

You really fucking with my house.

[Adam Carolla]

You do the handshake, the guy puts his. That same guy just fleeced. You put your hand out. You get the fuck out of here, bro. Fist bump. You're like, fuck. Okay, you have to fist bump now. Is it because it's above the waist?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a height thing? Is it a commitment thing?

[Ari Shafir]

I think it's the amount of connection you have here. Know. I don't know. That's still something back of your hand versus front.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, it could be the most contentious political race ever. And the person called you a pedophile. But at the end of the race, you can't let the fist hang.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta hit him.

[Ari Shafir]

If I see a hanging, like someone didn't see, like, you turn your back at someone just as someone puts their fist pound up. I have to go in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I gotcha, yo. You'll jump in as a surrogate.

[Ari Shafir]

Otherwise, he's just left there.

[Adam Carolla]

Surrogate Pfister, you gotta, you know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Surrogate fister.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell everyone in your neighborhood I'm a surrogate fist.

[Ari Shafir]

Anybody needs me. If you're hanging, don't put it down. Come by my place. I'll help you.

[Adam Carolla]

I was watching because they're making a big deal out of this January 6th thing because the FBI. I should say the Capitol Police.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Arrested a guy just now. No, back then. There's footage. Sorry, there's surveillance footage. And you can tell me what you think of this, but the Capitol Police.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice flooring.

[Adam Carolla]

Erase. Sorry. They arrest a rioter, right? Someone who's in the Capitol. Right? And they handcuff him and they walk him to a room off the Capitol, like a side room.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Like TSA when you don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Been there. And then they immediately just uncuff him and let him go. Which Says to the conspiracy theorists or people just think normally, oh, that guy works for the FBI, right? He's an asset. And there were assets in there. Otherwise, why would they.

[Ari Shafir]

Why would they let him go?

[Adam Carolla]

Why'd they cuff a guy, walk him to a corner, and then just uncuff him, tell him hit the road? But people are making a big deal about it because at some point, the guy got cuffed. Does the fist bump with the FBI guy.

[Ari Shafir]

But I say, yeah, word is bond. You have to.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to.

[Ari Shafir]

You're not even thinking about it. If you start going, why would you do this? Like, that's. You're overthinking it.

[Adam Carolla]

If a guy was halfway into stabbing you and did the fist bump, you'd have. If you had enough strength to lift your arm, you'd have to give him a tap back.

[Ari Shafir]

That guy in Schindler's List, you know, when the guy's on top, the Germans. They're fighting the Germans on top of him. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. He should have just put the fist out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then the German fist bump. Yeah. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he should have used it.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a Saving Private Ryan moment too, wasn't it?

[Ari Shafir]

That's what I was saying. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he said Schindler's List.

[Ari Shafir]

I did. Did say that.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. That's a different part of the war. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about 44.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, right, right. Cowards there, just not doing anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It was weird when you said it. I was like, well, far be it for me to question Ari about anything to do with the Holocaust, but I think that was.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a holo wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now watch what happens and tell me. I just don't think that the fist bump is that indictment. He bends over the Capitol policeman, takes his cuffs off. The guy immediately stands up, gets the front one off. Oh, does the cross fist bump with the other Capitol Police guy, and he's on his way.

[Ari Shafir]

You're letting me go? You could have arrested me. That doesn't necessarily mean he's FBI.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't necessarily mean.

[Ari Shafir]

It means, like, hey, let me off if a cop lets you off with a warning.

[Adam Carolla]

Fist bump.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, that's what they're doing. It's the ultimate warning.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you don't think FBI asset there?

[Ari Shafir]

No, but what is the deal with that? I've heard rumors of that. Is that, like, a real thing? There's a bunch of FBI people leading them into how much that is real. How much of that is no way. You're crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so let me explain how it works. It all starts with good intentions, okay? And so the way it works is the FBI, and after 9, 11, they go, why don't we get a couple of undercover assets to go join that mosque over there? And then the plan is that guy's gonna hang out at the mosque, Right? And then at some point, here's how it's presented to us, the taxpayers, the citizens. The plan is we'll get our guy inside that mosque or that biker gang or something like that.

[Ari Shafir]

Like that.

[Adam Carolla]

And then at some point, when they come up to the guy in the biker gang and they go, we're gonna pick up some meth from Mexico, Elaine. You know, then that guy go, yeah, and then he'll go rat the guys out. Right? And at the mosque, they'll go, we're gonna blow up the Eminem store in Times Square. You in? And the guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Such a good idea. Hold on, I got some.

[Adam Carolla]

One they call Mr. Fister. He doesn't leave anyone hanging over there. He's the king of fisting.

[Ari Shafir]

So the same thing with any like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but. Sorry, that's where it starts. Right, right. But what it evolves into is the FBI guy going to the mosque and saying to a couple guys, why don't we kidnap Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan? So they go to the biker bar and they. And now the FBI guy is suggesting it.

[Ari Shafir]

But in the FBI's defense, they'd be like, hey, let's just get it. Go. If we're going to. If I suggest it, I can get him to do it. But then it goes even further, and it's like, let's just convince people to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Gretchen Whitmer, who's the governor of Michigan.

[Ari Shafir]

Sounds like a loser.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a kidnapping plot against her, and it was like nine FBI guys and two yokels. So they ended up creating this thing. So the other entrapment. Right. So the argument is, it's one thing to put a couple of guys in the group to find out what's going on. It's another thing if those guys are yelling at everyone. Storm the Capitol. Right?

[Ari Shafir]

So that's what was happening. That's what they're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

That's probably what's happening. Cause eventually all they want to do is arrest people. And the best way to do it is you create the plot to kidnap Gretchen Whitmer and then get some idiot to go along with it.

[Ari Shafir]

So this is like you and I are driving somewhere that we can't find parking. We're like, is that parking? You know, there's like 10 signs. Not between Tuesday and Thursday. Depends if you're over 6, 4, under 6, 4. I work with the parking enforcement, and I go, oh, buddy, park here, right? Trust me, it should be fine. Yeah, like, you read that sign. Can you see it from your side? Like, I can see it.

[Adam Carolla]

You see?

[Ari Shafir]

We get out of the car, write you a ticket, put it in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Car, meet immediately, and I'm like, you trunk fucker.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, shouldn't have done that, you know, part there. I'm like, I wouldn't have done it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is. It is. It is that so. Also interesting. So they get the head of the FBI up in front of Congress, and the Republicans are like, how many assets you have out there? And like, I can't say. I don't know. I can't say. So now they're gonna. They're always gonna find out they were there and they were inciting and they're whatever. So could be.

[Ari Shafir]

But the other side was like, no way. There's no FBI people there. It was all just those Trump telling people, you gotta go do that.

[Adam Carolla]

It always starts with that. And then eventually it'll bleed into whatever Joe Rogan thought before then.

[Ari Shafir]

Just like, you had a bunch of conspiracies, and then people are like, no, no, it's just what it was on the surface. It's like, there's too many conspiracies going on here.

[Adam Carolla]

All the stuff they've said wasn't happening ended up happening. So I just assume now when they say it's not happening, it's. It's happening.

[Ari Shafir]

The one I know was when they said that, that they. They killed that cop. And then it was later was like, no, he had a heart attack the next day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they bludgeoned him to death with a fire extinguisher.

[Ari Shafir]

Unrelated heart attack the next day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In his office.

[Ari Shafir]

But they kept saying, like, they blood. Like, Biden was like, no, no, they beat him to death.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Ari Shafir]

And it was like.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's.

[Ari Shafir]

So let's say a bad intel. Maybe I'm trying to try to be compassionate, but it's like at some point go, hey, guys. Just so you know, by the way, we were way wrong about that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they went. They went from Sicknick, I think his name was. They went from bludgeoned with a fire extinguisher. Bludgeoned, right. With a fire extinguisher. To killed with bear spray. He had, like, a reaction to being hit with Bear spray to had a stroke in his office. But they count suicides by Capitol policemen six months later as related to January 6th. Anytime someone's trying to pad their numbers, they suicide.

[Ari Shafir]

And, like, why these people kill themselves? Like, I don't know. Was there a note?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, I say this all the time. They always go, cops suicide rate is much higher than I said.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, they see terrible things.

[Adam Carolla]

If I had it, I got a.

[Ari Shafir]

Piss so bad, it's like, on the tip of my dick.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll wrap this up in two minutes. Okay, now I feel bad. Run and piss. Sorry. Run and piss. I'm sorry. But then I have thoughts.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to hear about that. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Do we have the Benny Hill song? Wackety Sax? I'm gonna tell Ari about my cop suicide theory and see if he. If he. If he joins in. Dawson, Remember, man Ponds, I. You know, I. Yes, I do. I figured I've seen that bit. Yeah. Before, and it was hilarious. It's not. It's just. It's not the funniest bit we've done. It's just. It's just sort of spot on or something. Yeah, it completely satirically mirrors the tampon commercial. Your guys is acting. You're acting like chicks. Perfectly terrible. No, no, no, no. All right, look, I get it.

[Ari Shafir]

I get Even close the door, if that helps.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Ari Shafir]

Respect.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Okay. All right, let me give my cop high suicidal rate theory. A gun is essentially a suicide machine, and it's strapped to their side 24 7. Even when they're in plain clothes and off duty, they're supposed to bring their gun with them. Now let me ask you. I would have never made it through my twenties if I had a thing that was capable. I could have made a decision to kill myself in less than five seconds because I have a suicide machine strapped to my right hip. Right. Just my fucking girlfriend Stephanie dumped me and I'm distraught.

[Ari Shafir]

Does this elevator go all the way to the top or the second? Top floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

Just. It's right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's right here, though. It's sitting on the fucking coffee. Breakup. Any bad breakup?

[Ari Shafir]

Lost a big bet on Kamala.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I'm just saying. Would you have even made it through your 20s with a suicide machine? It's not Kevorkian in a minivan. It's a suicide machine. That's a Glock that is just sitting on your dresser. Yeah, I would have killed myself, like 28 times.

[Ari Shafir]

It's calling at you.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you fucking loser.

[Ari Shafir]

I just heard From Evan. You get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, your girlfriend Stephanie's fucking a new guy. Excuse. Got a huge. She's in the trunk of a Jetta.

[Ari Shafir]

Right now, and you're just like, I'll just it and see how it feels.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's go see if it feels right. This is going to be an impulse buy. If it jams, that's force majeure. Right. So what would you. I'm just saying. Of course you would kill yourself.

[Ari Shafir]

Right. So the instances would go up for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a gun within reachable stuff. You see horrible things.

[Ari Shafir]

God, within reach all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And life.

[Adam Carolla]

And life. Yeah. You fucking could come home, your wife's banging your best friend.

[Ari Shafir]

You just ran a biker off a bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm getting in trouble for this. Or I could avoid the trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's an impulse buy. I don't even know what percentage of suicides are impulsive, but I can tell you 100% if you got that gun sitting on your nightstand, nobody stopped me. Yeah. I don't. I don't think I. I do think I would have killed myself in my 20s.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. That's a good theory on cop suicides.

[Adam Carolla]

And cops are young, and I. I would say that most of them who.

[Ari Shafir]

Kill themselves are in suicides are way up, too. They probably have access to guns.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Most of the guys who kill themselves aren't in their 50s.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not about to get a pension.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They never said to their partner, I'm too old for this shit. Right before the shit went down. They're probably guys in their 20s, five years on the force, that are totally impulsive.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So that's why.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a solid theory, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's why I think we should give firemen guns.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, so they can kill themselves just.

[Adam Carolla]

To kind of even it out. So people go, well, yeah, but what other than firemen?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. So then we can see the real.

[Adam Carolla]

Status, we don't know the real stats because school is equal. Yeah. They go, we kill themselves much more than school teachers or bus drivers. Yeah. They're not packing a suicide machine. And you can call it what you want, but it's a compact suicide machine. You just put it to your temple and that's that.

[Ari Shafir]

It's gonna do the job.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, it doesn't have to. Eric Kramer, professional quarterback in the NFL for like 12 years. Eric Kramer played for the Bears, and I think he played for San Diego, and maybe he played for the Vikings, but he also played with one Adam Carolla and the East Valley Trojans Pop Warner football team. He hit rock bottom. He bought a gun. He checked into a hotel. He Googled best place to put the gun.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, and what?

[Adam Carolla]

And then under the. Under the chin gets all the way through.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, not here. You miss the chin if you go through the mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Not through the mouth, through the chin.

[Ari Shafir]

Up. Okay. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Went through hole in his tongue right at the top of his head. He's completely fine.

[Ari Shafir]

What are you talking about? No way. It went through the bottom jaw, through the tongue, through the roof of the mouth, up through the head, went out.

[Adam Carolla]

Hit nothing that killed a cop who was napping the room above him.

[Ari Shafir]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it did. No, I'm serious. It's a totally true story.

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a totally.

[Ari Shafir]

He killed.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a friend of mine. No no no.

[Ari Shafir]

But he didn't kill. And then he didn't want to kill himself afterwards. No, he didn't just do it again.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's a lot of that. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Who try to kill stuff and don't. Don't try it again. Yeah, why not?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they end up in therapy and in hospital in a setting and whatever time you have. More time. Yeah. Yeah, but that is.

[Ari Shafir]

What a fucking loser.

[Adam Carolla]

He played for the Saints, the Falcons, Detroit Lions. Oh, the Lions. I was trying. Chicago Bears. Yeah. I was in the league for 12, 13 years.

[Ari Shafir]

Started killed himself and didn't kill himself.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say that's about as close as you get in terms of killing yourself. Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

My buddy had his brother, threw himself in front of a train.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

Broke every bone in his body. They're like, you're gonna be in the hospital for a year without getting out. Said, okay, I found myself. I don't want to kill myself anymore. I realized, you know, oh, I was in this terrible place while he was in the hospital. They found inoperable cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Yeah. Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, ah. But he goes to heaven now that.

[Adam Carolla]

How old was he?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And is he gone now?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Ari Shafir]

Life sucks. Why would you not kill yourself? Why would you not ever not kill yourself?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna talk to my kids. You know how old and miserable I am. Son, you can avoid this.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't be like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, why don't you sign up? The force is always looking for a few Good men. Academy says it's only five weeks.

[Ari Shafir]

Five weeks. And here's a gun. It should be two years.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Ari. Let me give you A plug. Ari Shafir, America's sweetheart. There's a very funny standout special. I watched the entire stand up special. Lots of themes, lots of jokes. And psychologically interesting too. Like you kind of go, oh yeah, no, that's right. You know, it's a little, I'm hoping.

[Ari Shafir]

To get through to people that are like, maybe you should chill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's not just joke, joke, joke. There's message woven nicely in with the jokes.

[Ari Shafir]

Try in a funny way to get people to fucking tune out a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Go to AdamCroll.com because I got live shows coming up all over the place as well. Should we send people to arishafir.com yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

For my tour dates for sure. You know, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Atlanta, Portland, San Antonio, Lots of stuff. San Jose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, definitely go there. Find the dates. It's great. Live. And until next time, Adam Crawford, Ari Shafir saying, and if you guys have.

[Ari Shafir]

A new design here that honors the Twin Towers in an even better way and grammar at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't.

[Ari Shafir]

Because this Al Qaeda was low on grammar. I think that's what we're saying here. Then please send that into the AdamCarollaShow please.

[Adam Carolla]

Sayin mahala. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and even it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Ari Shafir]

Whether you're in the mood to solve.

[Adam Carolla]

A little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump Run Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows all for free. Pluto TV stream now pay never. Hey fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substaff and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corlan Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe [e-mail] substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning, whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker, or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV Stream now Pay Never.