Arsenio Hall + Pia Zadora (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics)

Episode: Arsenio Hall + Pia Zadora
Date: November 2, 2025 (classic episodes from 2012)

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Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode features highlights from two classic shows:

1. Episode 827 (2012) — Adam Carolla chats with Arsenio Hall about Celebrity Apprentice, behind-the-scenes moments, and life in show business.
2. Episode 838 (2012) — Adam welcomes actress/singer Pia Zadora, with co-hosts and David Wild, for a freewheeling conversation about her eclectic career, growing up in showbiz, working with legends like Frank Sinatra and Orson Welles, and classic TV nostalgia.

The episode blends Adam’s signature rants on pop culture, some sharp social commentary, and the kind of rambling, comic group chemistry fans expect from the Carolla studio.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Panel Banter, Behind the Scenes & Old School Riffs

• Judgment over “Disfigured Pens”
  • Adam, Dave Dameshek, and co-hosts riff on studio etiquette, including a hilarious analysis of chewed-up office pens and those who “destroy” communal office supplies.
    • Adam Carolla (02:52): “This is not just a pen with bite marks... it’s like a pen with an erection.”
• Manual Transmission & The Dying Art of Driving Stick
  • The crew laments the vanishing skill of driving stick shift, sharing personal stories about early driving experiences.
  • Adam Carolla (07:00): “I don’t think any guy’s going to be driving a stick five years from now.”
• Naming Disasters: Cars & Streets
  • Comedy ensues as Adam vents about confusing car names (e.g., Ford Fiesta vs. Festiva, Toyota Corolla vs. Corona) and similarly confusing street naming in American suburbs.
  • Carolla (10:08): “We give streets names so we don’t get confused… you've actually done worse.”

2. Pop Culture Gripes & Observational Rants

• PSA Ads: American vs. European Approach
  • Adam and Dave analyze the cultural and psychological differences in seatbelt and anti-drunk-driving PSAs in the US and Europe.
  • Adam Carolla (15:27): “The seatbelt is there to save your life, not your wallet.”
  • They critique ad agencies’ risk aversion and lack of diversity in ad casting, with a strong (controversial) focus on race in drunk driving commercials.
• Celebrity Athlete Religion & Irony
  • On athletes crediting God for victories while tragic accidents affect others around them.
  • Carolla (33:01): “That’s the thing that’s so, I think, insensitive or myopic about people who were saved from the jaws of death… Well, what about the other people who died?”
• Butt/Ass Dialing
  • The group discusses the hazards of accidental phone calls and how easily they can lead to awkward social moments.
  • Dave Dameshek (37:27): “Just accuse them of butt dialing you… if they get defensive, you know they talk a ton of shit about you.”

3. Race & Assimilation Rants

• Demographics Shift in the U.S.
  • Adam launches into an extended, provocative rant about racial and cultural shifts, particularly Hispanic immigration, and the “balance” of American society.
  • Carolla (43:39): “Everyone comes here to get away from their country because their country has too many of them in it.”
  • He argues for assimilation as a national necessity and bemoans politicians’ reluctance to address integration, leaning into controversial territory.

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Arsenio Hall Joins (44:30)

Celebrity Apprentice: Secrets & Strategy

• Arsenio reflects on the finale and reveals his thought process in choosing teammates (including Adam).
  • Arsenio Hall (48:46): “When I looked at everybody… not only did we have a really good time, but you were playing some really smart ball. Maybe too smart, actually.”
• Discusses Penn Jillette’s against-the-grain approach and producer shenanigans.
  • Arsenio Hall (46:59): “He really didn’t want to fuck with it, did he? He’d just go into some shit and he didn’t want to play the game.”
• Arsenio on Visibility Post-Apprentice (51:45):
  “Instead of me calling and saying, ‘Can I judge the Miss USA Pageant?’ they have someone call me.”
• The group talks about the stress and nerves leading up to live reality TV finales and the artificial drama of reality TV editing.

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Sports Banter and Commentary (60:48–80:00)

• Dave Dameshek and Adam discuss the “unlikable” Lakers, with a mix of sports analysis and off-color jokes about NBA culture and media image.
  • Bald Brian (63:34): “He butt raped that poor girl.” (re: Kobe Bryant, referencing a notorious case—spoken in a caustic style emblematic of early-2010s shock humor)
• Extended bit on love of “big bottoms” in NBA culture, and pop references to Sir Mix-a-Lot/Kim Kardashian/Lamar Odom.
• NFL, CTE, and Pop Warner
  • Adam reflects on his childhood football experiences, player safety, and why his own son probably wouldn’t—and shouldn’t—play football.
  • Adam Carolla (78:43): “Football is a wildly uncomfortable sport to play. It sucks. Practice. There’s nothing worse than football practice.”

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Classic Entertainment & Cultural Nostalgia

Pia Zadora Interview (from Episode 838; 153:20+)

• Adam confronts Pia about the long-standing pronunciation confusion of her name.
  • Pia Zadora (153:20): “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
• Pia details her unique path: Broadway as a child, movies, pop stardom, and a Vegas headlining career.
  • She discusses working with legends like Tallulah Bankhead, Burgess Meredith, Orson Welles (noting his devotion to “his marijuana patch”), and especially Frank Sinatra.
  • Pia Zadora (174:07): “He would always have to go home and water his marijuana patch.”
  • On Sinatra’s tough-love persona both on and off-stage, as well as his infamous relationship with his son, Frank Jr.
    • Pia Zadora (176:27): “He was mean to his son. Yeah, it was bad, really.”
• Her son’s unexpected decision to join the Israeli army is discussed with both humor and some bewilderment.
• Comic bit about Don King being her son’s godfather:
  • Pia Zadora (157:24): "He had the hair. He needed the hair. He was bald when he was born…"
• Reflects on being featured in ‘tasteful’ adult magazine shoots during the ‘80s and how media exposure worked for actresses.

TV Nostalgia & Satirical Debates

• The group riffs on the bad-but-lovable status of shows like The Brady Bunch, Love Boat, and old prime time sitcoms.
  • Dave Damaschek (169:23): “There were 80 people in the cast. Not one of them broke out … all the kids, dad, mom, everyone, nothing.”

Music Geekery & Notable Music Guests

• Discussion of Brad Paisley (country star and car enthusiast) and his book Diary of a Player, with insights from David Wild.
  • The panel talks about underappreciated musicians, the emotional impact of a great vocalist (John Popper from Blues Traveler), and the effect of MTV-era pigeonholing.

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Unfiltered Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Chewed Pens:
  • Carolla (02:52): “It’s like a pen with a Coke spoon.”
• On Racial Representation in PSAs:
  • Carolla (16:32): “Every Mexican I’ve ever worked construction with has nine DUIs… but you want to help out the Hispanic guy by showing him behind the wheel.”
• On Fame and Assholes:
  • Carolla (181:35): “If you’re Frank Sinatra, no one ever goes, ‘Hey, man, shut up, Frank, you’re being too hard on your son.’”
• On Lying in Court:
  • Pia Zadora (188:49): “Lying always sounds like a bad idea because we’re discussing lying, which means you got caught lying. But think about all the great lies that have gone through historically...”
• On TV Guest Star Omnipresence:
  • Adam Carolla (171:04): “You must have been approached to do the Love Boat.”
  • Pia Zadora’s comic response: “I don't know. I don't remember.”

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Notable Timestamps

• 07:00 – Nostalgia for manual transmissions and early car stories
• 10:08 – Rant about confusing naming conventions (cars, streets)
• 14:42–17:58 – Deep dive: seatbelt/drunk driving PSAs and American vs European approaches
• 44:30 – Arsenio Hall joins, Celebrity Apprentice deep-dive
• 51:45 – Arsenio on career “bump” from The Apprentice
• 153:20 – Pia Zadora interview begins
• 174:07 – Orson Welles’s “marijuana patch”; tales of old Hollywood
• 176:27 – Pia on Frank Sinatra’s treatment of his son
• 181:35 – Adam’s theory: Fame amplifies a person’s natural “asshole” tendencies
• 169:23 – Rant: Why Brady Bunch is objectively bad TV

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Tone and Language

• The episode is marked by raw, unfiltered humor and rapid-fire, overlapping bits. The hosts and guests riff on each other, and conversations build through comic escalation, sarcasm, and honest personal admissions. Adam’s tone is blunt, frequently veering into social commentary and observational tirades, balanced by the guests’ laid-back chemistry.

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In Summary

This Carolla Classics episode is a showcase of Adam Carolla’s blend of uncensored comedy, cultural commentary, and old-school showbiz stories. With Arsenio Hall’s candor about reality TV, Pia Zadora’s tales from Hollywood’s weirder corners, and plenty of offbeat asides from Adam and crew, it’s a nostalgic, irreverent grab bag of moments from classic episodes—full of pop culture takes, generational rants, and just enough taboo to keep it unpredictable.

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For fans of classic radio “hang” shows, sports pop-culture, showbiz history, and rambling comic banter, this episode delivers a concentrated dose of Carolla’s longtime formula.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Bald Brian]

Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[David Wild]

I'm your host, super fan Giovanni this is the Part podcast.

[Dave Damaschek]

Prepare the best moments, highlights and fans.

[David Wild]

Like the clips from all 16 years.

[Bald Brian]

The Adam Corolla Show.

[David Wild]

We have a separate podcast feed titled.

[Dave Damaschek]

Corolla Classics available exclusively through podcast1dotplus.

[David Wild]

Sign up and get the ad free.

[Bald Brian]

Archives of this show.

[David Wild]

If you'd like the ad free archives.

[Bald Brian]

Of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam.

[David Wild]

Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out.

[Bald Brian]

Make sure to check out Adam Cole's substack adamco.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] all right, let's get to the clips.

[David Wild]

Come up first, we have Adam Carla.

[Dave Damaschek]

Show 827 featuring Arsenio Hall, Dave Damaschek.

[David Wild]

Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2012.

[Dave Damaschek]

Welcome to the show, everybody. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good day, Bald Bryan. Diamond earrings. That's right, diamond earrings. That was Dave when Oprah was having her players ball and she'd be giving away shit to everybody and they're all just going nuts and running around and all the people she was giving away shit to were already rich, so it made it that much worse. I'm holding this pen in front of me. There's a couple things I want to get into. Arsenio is going to call in and a couple of few we'll talk about Celebrity Apprentice coming up. Ooh, lots to talk about. Wait a minute. When's the show airing?

[Adam Carolla]

Tomorrow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, okay, good, good. I got that one figured out. I got this pen. I just grabbed it from Matt the porcelain Punisher Fondeliers.

[Ace]

Mouth.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. And you know where it's gonna end up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying it's probably already been in the bathroom.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's weird. Now everything's dry. But it's been chewed on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, badly chewed on. It almost doesn't matter. No, it's not. Just so people can visualize it. This is not just a pen that has bite marks on it. The little clippy thing is at a complete 90 degree angle to the pen. And it's like a pen with an erection.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's disfigured because it's spooned out as well.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a pen with a Coke spoon.

[Dave Damaschek]

This is a disaster right here. And I thought, are people still doing this in this day and age?

[Bald Brian]

Only one man.

[Dave Damaschek]

And it's weird and I'd like to blame them, but it's their pen. But still, can I blame them?

[Adam Carolla]

This is the thing. You're not gonna judge? Come on, Adam.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I judge.

[Bald Brian]

I bet you paid for that pen.

[Dave Damaschek]

Believe you me, I judge. I cannot stop judging. I'm judging. You asking me about not judging right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Favorably or negatively, if I tell you.

[Dave Damaschek]

What it is, it will not be correct judging.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not making a birthday wish.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was not brought up to judge that way in such a forthright way. The point is, yes, I judge in a negative way. But I also understand the part where I went into his office and pulled this out of his office.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Which this is not. Fonzie was in there when I used to work at klsx. I think it was Jimmy Brusca used to chew on these things and that were in my pen basket.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like contaminating your utensils.

[Dave Damaschek]

Fuck up my shit and then throw it back in there. And then. What's up with that?

[Ace]

It's a great show. A lot of fun.

[Bald Brian]

That was him hyping up our first Vegas appearance. Getting the crowd whipped up into a fringe.

[Dave Damaschek]

Cracked me up because he was like, come on, you gotta plug the Vegas show. You gotta plug the Vegas show. And I forgot to say anything about the Vegas show. And he's like, hey, how about that Vegas show?

[Ace]

It's a great show, a lot of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

But what was his position?

[Dave Damaschek]

He was our show. He was our producer. Yes, for the first year. Ask the Porcelain Punisher if he also punishes pens as well. That's number one.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't know the answer.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I'd like to give him the benefit of the. Actually, I wouldn't. All right, now. Also, my USC lecture, available in our store. And it's for free. It's all for free. It's over an hour and it's me talking to the Marshall School business. I think you guys should probably enjoy that. We mic'd it up and made a little extra bit for you guys. A little bonus bit. So we have that at our store if you'd like to listen to it again for free. Matt, did you desecrate this pen with your mouth?

[Ace]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm actually surprised that it ever left my office. Yeah. What's up? They just pulled me out of my office. I'm completely caught off guard by this. I don't know. Just bored. Play with the pen for a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a stress thing? First off, do you do it more?

[Ace]

Yeah, probably at work.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, it most certainly is a stress.

[Ace]

Did you leave your diarrhea?

[Dave Damaschek]

Did you leave your cock at home? I mean. You know what I mean? You're gonna fucking eat a piece of plastic cause you're bored.

[Ace]

Oh, I'm sitting on it, playing with my thumb.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's not just all my mouth, but why don't you, like, chew a piece of the carpet or something if you're bored? This is what animals do when they're bored. Not humans. I'm half animal. You're sitting at a computer. How bad could it be? Fucking go on ebay and look for a lamp or something. I'll get some lollipops. Jolly Ranchers. All right, now, look, I got a lot of expensive cars back there. Can I expect you chewing on any of them? Have you ever seen any frayed wires? Those frayed tires are expensive. I'm turning Matt into a man. I got him back there doing all sorts of dude stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

How's that going for you?

[Dave Damaschek]

So far, so good.

[Ace]

I think Adam's been really impressed with.

[Dave Damaschek]

The progress I'm making.

[Bald Brian]

Steep learning curve.

[Dave Damaschek]

Me and Matt were back there wrenching away all day today. Oh, yeah, Making car stencils.

[Bald Brian]

That was pretty fun.

[Dave Damaschek]

We made a stencil of my car. It's a long story.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard there was some confusion about the Allen wrench.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's a. Well, he doesn't. Was there confusion about the Allen wrench or just you don't know what an Allen wrench is?

[Ace]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Dave Damaschek]

I have since learned he did not know what an Allen wrench was. He did not know what saw horses were. And he also does not drive a manual. He drives an automatic, cannot drive a manual. And there's going to be more and more of that as the years wear on. I Don't think any guy's going to be driving a stick five years from now.

[Bald Brian]

Real car enthusiasts will.

[Dave Damaschek]

They'll learn, right? Even them. Even they will probably have paddle shifters or something. Either way, you discussed me, so go back to your office and choose something, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you respect women who can drive a stick shift more than ones who can't?

[Dave Damaschek]

I remember when I was in the 10th grade and our baseball team. I was on the. Like, I was on, like, the junior varsity team, the 10th grade team, but the varsity team was playing in Dodger Stadium, and we actually beat Darryl Strawberry's team, Crenshaw, to go play for the finals, the city championship at Dodger Stadium, and then lost to, like, San Fernando or something. And I was driving in the backseat of a Celica with this chick named Cheryl Buck, who could drive. And she was. We were, like, running late. It was like, kind of an empty parking lot, and she was kind of hot. And, you know, she, like, threw a couple revs into it and downshifted and said, hang on. And then we sort of whipped around and then shifted again. And I was like. I was. I became tumescent. I was like, wow. Like, it was. Yeah, it was hot seeing this chick, like, just throw it down and then downshift and do a little rev, you know, blip the throttle and then downshift it in there.

[Bald Brian]

Was there a story there? Why did she know? How did she know? Just learned or.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was just, you know, she was.

[Adam Carolla]

Not all cars were automatic.

[Dave Damaschek]

Was a senior, so she was a couple years older than I was. She'd probably learned to drive in 1976 or 77 or something. Something like that. No Toyotas. Like, the percentage of Toyotas, Hondas, and Datsuns that were automatic were way less than 50%. There were little cars that came over with stick shifts, and that was like, you know, automatic cars were considered, like, luxury cars, you know. It was a big deal.

[Bald Brian]

My first car was not mine. My parents was a 81 Toyota Corona. They don't even make those anymore, Right. It was a stick shift.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Then Corona. The Corona wagon.

[Bald Brian]

It was a Corona wagon.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. So they. They. And I don't, by the way, Ford came up with a Ford Fiesta and a Ford Festiva. Fucking retards. And Toyota came up with a Toyota Corolla and a Toyota Corona. And this is just a fucking accident waiting to happen, is it not? Like, how many people were like, we're looking at one now, but how many? Just the Fiesta and the Festiva. How much confusion was there when, like, you're at the parts department, and the guy comes back and goes, I ordered a water pump for 79 Ford Fiesta. You have one for Festiva? Sure. They took the same motor, but whatever. Tail lights, whatever. It was like, how much Festiva Fiesta confusion were there.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I bought the car you wanted, right? What?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, that was easily solved because no one wanted a Fiesta or Festiva.

[Adam Carolla]

But really, hey, I stole the car you recommended.

[Dave Damaschek]

Did nobody raise their hand when they go, I got an idea for a new car? How about the Fiesta or the Festiva? It's like, we already have one. That sounds almost exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

There are other Spanish words.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Oh, we have twin boys. There's Kurt and Kirk. Awesome. Genius. I feel the same fucking way that when. It's like, I talk about all the time, but it's like, bluebird Lane, Bluebird Street, Bluebird Way, Bluebird Drive. And it's like you're just. Fuck. You're taking the very essence of a name and fucking it. You understand? The reason we give streets names is so we don't get confused. And you've actually done worse, you know, because no name would be less confusing. Because all I wrote down was Bluebirds. So I just turned right when I saw Bluebird, and I didn't realize that Bluebird Lane was past Bluebird Road. And I'm on Bluebird Road. The fuck is that? What's wrong with everybody but the Kirk and Kurt thing?

[Adam Carolla]

You can have a friend named Kirk or Kurt and you won't know. It's impossible. It is impossible to know.

[Dave Damaschek]

And has there ever been an argument where a couple went, like, the husband wanted to name him Kurt, but the wife wanted to name him Kirk, and it was like, a big argument. I can't fucking name. It's the same stupid name, all right.

[Bald Brian]

The worst is when, like, your friend gets married to, like, someone. You're invited to the wedding because it's one of your best friends that you haven't met the wife too many times. And it's like, is it Kirsten or Kirsten? I'm afraid to ask.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the female version of Kurt.

[Dave Damaschek]

Kirk, Kiersten and Kirsten and Andrea and Andrea and Andrea. And I'm like, the world. I. I turn into the world's worst human being. Like, when someone gives me the s. Not Susan, it's Suzanne. I'm like, who gives a fuck? Like, really, sweetie? Okay, where are we?

[Ace]

Whatever.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. True's wife is a Susan. My wife's best friend is a Suzanne. And God fucking forbid. God forbid they ever get Flip flopped when I'm talking about one of them. Oh, boy. Stop the fucking presses. That is. That's fucking huge. And by the way, this needs to be corrected now. All right, where were we? I was. Somebody tweeted me a. You know, I always sort of secretly suspect we're dumb as Americans and Europeans are just smarter than we are. And I know we're dumb. Obviously we're dumb. And I know that I've complained about the ad council a million times and the stupid commercials we do and those PSAs that mean nothing to anybody. And, you know, it used to be airplane turbulence and now it's clicket or ticket. And the reason that's insane is because it's built into every car. So there's no reason to give anyone a heads up when you cannot operate a motor vehicle without the heads up. I mean, it is so annoying to try to get in your car and drive from point A to point B without buckling your seatbelt.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll get in an accident. It's so annoying.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, you'll have a fucking seizure. It is so fucking annoying. So thus no reason for the propaganda campaign that cost us millions. And even if it doesn't cost us millions, it costs us millions in wasted time because we could be talking about something that was a real problem.

[Pia Zadora]

The questions start early. How do I know when he's full?

[Dave Damaschek]

Do babies hold grudges?

[Pia Zadora]

That's why we make one formula that feels right right away, backed by breast milk science and built for babies, brains, bellies and beyond. Learn [e-mail] problem.

[Dave Damaschek]

But we don't. So somebody tweeted me the American version of Click it or tick it and it's a video and you can, I think if you go to AdamCarolla.com, we'll post it up there for you. But you can check out our Vers version. It's always the same thing. You can run. It's the same thing with the drunk drivers. It's white people driving around getting into trouble. You guys, find me. Find me out of the 200 drunk driving. Oh, wait, that guy. Out of the 200 drunk driving PSAs. Find me a non white male who's driving.

[Adam Carolla]

The point of this is you won't be able to see because there's so many tickets on your windshield.

[Dave Damaschek]

The point is you have to pay. So the whole deal is you're going to get a ticket, you're going to get a ticket, you're going to have to pay, you're going to get a ticket, you're going to have to get a ticket. You're going to pay. That's. And by the way, retarded because we're aware of the part where it's illegal and the chime is going off. We're just choosing not to wear it. Now the Europeans, much smarter than we are, they've done their own version of this. They focus on safety, which is why you wear a fucking seatbelt. This is a car that crashed into a tree.

[Bald Brian]

Dead bodies with spirits emanating. This is very ghost.

[Dave Damaschek]

They're all the drivers not wearing a seatbelt. He's leaving his body and going out through the sunroof of the car.

[Bald Brian]

This is eerie.

[Dave Damaschek]

The guy in the back seat, leaving, leaving his body, uh oh, the guy trying to leave his body in the passenger seat, but he's wearing a seatbelt and he can't get out. And now he's alive. Wow.

[Bald Brian]

Scared straight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think what it says is wear a seatbelt so you can wake up to the most horrifying scene you've ever. You can imagine.

[Dave Damaschek]

But they realize wearing a seatbelt is going to save your life. And it says the seat belt is there to save your life, not your wallet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Now that's the point we should be trying to push, right? Like, don't Worry about the 55 bucks. Worry about the part where you're dead and you have kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't they push that?

[Dave Damaschek]

Why don't we push that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Because we're fucking stupid, okay? That's why. Because we don't do anything that makes sense. We only do stupid. We pick stupid angles. We've decided we're too dumb to focus on safety, so we're gonna focus on hitting you in your. In your wallet. But that was a much more effective than, hey, watch out. And by the way, I still. Show me the. Show me. I swear, show me the fucking PSA for the drinking and driving where the guy's driving around and the beer's like slopping out of the car and slopping through. Show me how many guys are on this commercial. There's one guy. There's two guys.

[Pia Zadora]

Never before.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's three guys, four drinking tonight. Is there anything but white guys that are 41 years old?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dave Damaschek]

You want to know how many DUIs Mexicans have? Every Mexican I've ever worked construction with has nine DUIs. You want to show a Mexican guy driving drunk? You want to show a black guy driving drunk? You want to show a chick driving drunk? No, 40. Just 41 year old white males. Those are the only people that ever drive drunk. And I've seen 10 of these. They're right up there at the ADT commercials. There's nobody commits crimes other than 41 year old white dudes.

[Bald Brian]

Well, that is true.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's fucking obnoxious. Listen, idiots, it's a form of racism not to include people in your commercials. Good and bad, you know what I mean? When it becomes distractingly obvious that you're leaving out folks that do a lot of drunk driving, I'd love to see some drunk driving. I'd love to see some statistics, especially in Los Angeles. Drunk driving Hispanics versus drunk driving white dudes. And the average and how many. I guarantee you it's overwhelmingly Hispanic. Not their fault. They're driving piece of shit cars that drink the Bud Lights, the Budweisers, after they swing the hammer. But hey, man, you don't wanna help out. The Hispanic guy was showing him behind the wheel.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's the same point again in this PSA though. They're focusing on you could get a ticket as opposed to you could end up wrapped around a tree with a weird spirit trying to break out of your skin.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was really clever because everyone else was just leaving their body and this guy's spirit was trying to leave his body, but it couldn't cause he had the seat belt on. They're just smarter. They're just smarter.

[Adam Carolla]

They should make a series out of that. A la Geico Cavemen.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, another successful series. You know who was in that show? Nick Kroll. Oh, the comedian, I believe was one of the Geico Cavemen.

[Dave Damaschek]

Gotta talk about that. Taylor Hicks coming up. Ben Folds coming up. We got to get the keyboards ready. And Ralphie May coming up on the show as well. Live show, by the way. Uptown theater, Saturday, June 2nd, in Napa. And Irvine improv next Wednesday 23rd. Ralphie may again up on stage. Book is out as we. Well, not quite yet as we speak, but you pre order it, you get yourself a book plate. We gonna play anything from the audiobook? Mike lynch got anything worked out? We're just basically treading water here because Arsenio is going to call in any second now and then Dave Damoshek's coming in as well. We're trying to work something out that if you pre order the book, we're going to give you a chapter from the audiobook, which I think is cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's nice.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, why not? Be kind of fun. And chapters are like, I don't know. I think we were going to give The Tijuana chapter. The Tijuana chapter. It's about 25 minutes long. And that's going to start. If you order it pre order between the 24th and 7th June. May 24th, 7th of June. If you order in that time, you send the receipt to us. We're gonna send you a redemption code and you can download exclusively the audiobook. Nice chapter. What do you have now? Give me a second.

[Ace]

Great show.

[Dave Damaschek]

What? Sorry. Huh? Landlord Al and the hoes. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, while he comes up with that, I can tell you, Adam, remember we were. I said to you, well, hello there. And you said that I sounded like 1930s or 40s, like morning teeth.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, you sounded like. I was thinking of Jane Hathaway from the Drysdales. She was the Drysdales. Beverly hillbillies banker was Mr. Drysdale, and his secretary was Jane Hathaway. Ms. Hathaway.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it not 1930s? 40s still?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but she was 1930s. Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if we are going to do a morning show called well, hello there, I thought of some segments, ideas for our show. I was thinking we could have something called Top of the Morning to you. And I said, good day, sir. Which is like overrated. Underrated. So it could be like the Charleston. Oh, top of the morning to you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, that's good. Yeah, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bathtub gin. Top of the morning to you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bread lines. I said good day, so.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right, right. I mean, and then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Thumbs up, thumbs down.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We don't have to agree.

[Dave Damaschek]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Like ladies bobbing their hair.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, I say good day.

[Adam Carolla]

I say top of the morning to you.

[Dave Damaschek]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Pocket watches.

[Dave Damaschek]

No wonder you're only getting 18 cents to my dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna think about that when I darn socks.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good day. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

T bills.

[Dave Damaschek]

You say T bagging or T bills?

[Adam Carolla]

T bills.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, I said, good day.

[Adam Carolla]

The steam engine.

[Dave Damaschek]

Top of the morning, Germany. Top of the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

The New Deal.

[Dave Damaschek]

I say, good day.

[Adam Carolla]

See how great it is?

[Dave Damaschek]

That's good. That's gonna be a great show.

[Bald Brian]

I love how you were correct for the period, because back in the 30s, Germany was a good day.

[Dave Damaschek]

Everybod. See?

[Adam Carolla]

And I was gonna go, I said, good day. Wait, did you. No, he said, I don't say top of the morning.

[Bald Brian]

But that was correct for the period we didn't know they were evil back then.

[Dave Damaschek]

I had. Well, there was World War I, but.

[Bald Brian]

Anyway, I had my way in the past, buddy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay, so a whole nine years.

[Adam Carolla]

You can be part of the show, too.

[Dave Damaschek]

I had a manager named Al who lived underneath me when I had my apartment in North Hollywood and I wanted to buy. I wanted to borrow his hose. He had a hose. You know, when weirdo guys get really weird about possessions that don't amount to anything. And I'd lived above him for, like, three years, and I wanted to borrow. That's a picture of Al. And by the way, this is North Hollywood, 1985. And I know he looks like a crank yanker puppet. He looks like he's from Flatbush in 1956 here. But wife beater, like the young up guy, right?

[Bald Brian]

We said that before, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, it's a pomade. And the hair. The wife beater. But Again, this is mid-80s in Los Angeles. This is not a. This is a weird look to have in the mid-80s. And he wasn't going for ironic. This was his look. All right? So anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have. We have the clip. I wanted to borrow his hose is what he told me. The only thing Al loved more than his gun was his garden hose. It was his prized possession. It was one of those rolling spools made out of cheap PVC plastic tubing. But he treated it like it was a Faberge egg. He actually kept it inside his apartment to protect it, you know, from all those international hose thieves you read about in the paper. He wouldn't even let me borrow it. One time I asked him, hey, Al, can I borrow the hose to hose off my porch? He said, what hose? I could see it behind him in his kitchen through the screen door. He was trying to do that sitcommy block move where he stood in front of it and leaned back and forth. I don't have a hose, by the way. I've lived above you for three fucking years, old, dude. I'm aware you have a hose. I pointed at the hose behind him in his kitchen. I said, that hose, Al. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd been entrusted with the care of that hose by the owner so he couldn't let it out of his sight. But if I wanted to schedule it, he would come up and hose off my porch for me. I love it when people get overprotective about useless junk. Al acted like I'd asked to take his mother to the Poconos to fuck her over Labor Day weekend. What do you think was gonna happen if he gave me the hose? I'd throw it over my shoulder and make a break, shouting, see ya, sucker. I'm heading to Mexico to start a new life. All right, well, that's just a little snippet from the over eight hours worth of audiobook. God knows what they're gonna charge. You look at those audio books and they're like do six hours, they charge you like 16 bucks. But I don't know, at eight you do like three and a half hours, they charge you like 12 bucks. I got something worked out.

[Bald Brian]

Is it based on the length of the book?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I've done a little bit of scouting around price comparison. Yeah. And they'll do a thing where it's like if it's under four hours, they won't go over 16 bucks. A lot of it is just based on what other people do. Because the way people are is if Tina Fey charge, you know, if Tina Fey did her book and it was three and a half hours or four hours or something like that and she charged $12 or $14, you couldn't do a 90 minute one and charge $14 because everyone would start crying foul.

[Bald Brian]

It's like free agency in sports.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, it just kind of goes. It just kind of goes the way it goes. And I've seen them like 20, 22 bucks for the super longins and yeah, they do kind of go by the pound. Like the bigger ones charge a little more. So I don't know what the price is, but it'll be well worth it. All right. Arsenio hall is supposed to call. He is? Not yet. I think what we'll do is.

[Ace]

Shut up.

[Dave Damaschek]

We got Damoshek out there. Is Damoshek bringing in? He got his creep report or anything? He's got some stuff. Why don't we do this? Why don't you? Let's get started with a little bit of news. Let's just lay down like one story and then we'll take break. And always doing the sports and creep of the week. Alright, let's do just a little bit of news. I'll tell you guys about our good friends over at Evoice. Evoice, baby. Like getting an entire team to help you run your business. That's right. E electronic. Yeah. Voicemails are transcribed into easy. Not for me to read emails or texti. Textiles text it says.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

No more listening to them. Long winded messages.

[Bald Brian]

You know what it's like to listen to voicemails, right? I don't.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't actually.

[Bald Brian]

No. You don't either. You don't by choice. I don't. Because I get e voice.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet.

[Bald Brian]

You really like this because you don't like to check your voicemail. You should really be kind of getting this.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm doing this. That's it. Professionally recorded, customized greetings, menu options, available messages. You maintain a professional image, even if you're schlub. Click on the evoice [e-mail], go to evoice.com Adam and sign up for six months. Got to be a typo. Six months free today. Evoice.com Adam all right, the Dr. Drew bonus episode is going to air tomorrow. If you will. Commercial free and free. So we do a little bonus stuff for you every once in a while. Check it out. That will start airing tomorrow. All right, Allison Rosen. Should we do a little bit of news? Varsenio calls, he calls. If he doesn't, we'll bring damage. Check in.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Disco queen Donna Summer is dead at age 63. She had cancer. What's your feeling about her, Adam?

[Dave Damaschek]

No beef with Donna Summer. She had a crazy Rick James hairdo for a while. That kind of bothered me. But she sung a lot of. Basically, she sung music about fucking or for people to get high and fuck, too. And then she just became a crazy born again.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that not all music?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, it depends, because some of it is a little more. A little more overt. Oh, that's not. That's. That's not the Donna Summer Rick James hair. Dude, there was a Donna Summer bangs. Jerry Bangs.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he was my attorney. He was my attorney for a while. Oh, he's my attorney. Jerry Bangs. That's Donna Summer. Jerry Bangs. That's crazy. I'm scared of your hair. Yeah, like, that's one of those things where, like, if she came over and was gonna sit down on your linen sofa, you'd be like, let me get a trash bag for you.

[Bald Brian]

No, I do this for every guest.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, no, I always put a trash bag. Listen, I don't wanna be rude.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me put down a trash bag.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ask Bold Brian. He came over here yesterday, got the same trash bag. You understand? And, yes, I did remove all the pills. That's right. Ask him. Ask him. He has to know hair. It's not your hair.

[Bald Brian]

Will do. Who's bald?

[Adam Carolla]

Ryan, I think I'm scared of your hair. Should have been one of her hits. Doesn't that sound like a song?

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm freaked out by your hair, woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the whole like.

[Dave Damaschek]

It'd be like a whole best of like we're going doggy style because of your hair in parentheses.

[Pia Zadora]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God.

[Dave Damaschek]

Love you. Hate your hair. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Is that your hair or did your scalp throw up?

[Dave Damaschek]

Hard loving hair woman. You know, like come up. Yeah, hairs. Yeah. That hair was a descent. Bangs are never right.

[Adam Carolla]

Perm.

[Dave Damaschek]

Record perm. Jerry Bangs is a bad name and a bad hair. That's a fucking bad.

[Adam Carolla]

But curly hair can't be that short. Bang style. You just can't have bangs if you have.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I'm telling you, Rick James had the same fucking wigasis to similar effects. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're wiggle gangers. That means doppelgangers wigs.

[Dave Damaschek]

Either way, she'll be missed. So. No, her. Her songs were really like let's get it on. Like. Like and.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, Arthur Park, Hot stuff, Bad girls. No more tears. Enough is enough. I'm freaked out by your hair sister. She works hard for the money.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This time I know it's for real.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. I wonder if she just made enough money and lived off all that. MacArthur park was crazy. Because that was a weird. That's a weird song to do a disco remake. That's like Richard Burton or something sung it originally. Someone left a cake out in the rain. You know that song? I don't think that I can take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, I do know that song.

[Dave Damaschek]

Cuz it took so. It's a crazy song about leaving the cake out in the rain and it took so long to bake it.

[Bald Brian]

It's a metaphor, Adam. There was actually no cake.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a muffin.

[Dave Damaschek]

Someone left my wig out in the rain.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's frizzy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. I'm telling you. Rick James and her same scary hair. Like if you were coming up behind him, you would have fucked Rick James by mistake. Yeah, like I just fucked. Wait, Donna Summer's got balls. What?

[Adam Carolla]

My mom has or had a short black bob. And so as a kid, I was always going up to Asian women and fucking them by mistake.

[Dave Damaschek]

Anyway, she'll be missed. So then she found Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she had made. She was sort of dogged by the fact that she'd made alleged anti gay remarks that she was.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, mean when she was. When she was into Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm thinking happened. Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Last Dance is a song about aids.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm. Speaking about just one of those religious things that seems weird. Paul Bryan, you're gonna have to help me here. The sober, used to be into drugs. Major League baseball player with the sleeve tattoos.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, John Rocker.

[Dave Damaschek]

No. Who won the home. Won the Home Run Derby.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, Josh Hamilton.

[Dave Damaschek]

Josh Hamilton. Josh Hamilton had four dingers about a week and a half ago.

[Bald Brian]

Allison. That's a record.

[Adam Carolla]

I was going to say, what's a dinger? Sounds fun.

[Bald Brian]

Home run.

[Dave Damaschek]

Home run. Had four home runs and I think a double.

[Bald Brian]

Four home runs in the same game.

[Dave Damaschek]

Has only been done 16 times.

[Adam Carolla]

Eight.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, there you go. 16 times.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Which sounds like a lot, but there's been, like, 200 years of baseball, and they play 5,000 games a year. So it's pretty. It's pretty rarefied air. Think about hitting four home runs when you get up. And I gotta believe some of that stuff may be extra innings and shit like that. He got up five times and hit four home runs. I don't know if the average. You know, maybe those guys, if they're hitting four home runs, maybe they're getting up seven times in a game. But anyway, he hit four home runs and five trips to the plate. And at the end, he just did the. Got to give it up for Jesus Christ, you know? And it's like they're trying to, you know, go, hey, what about you? Swinging a hot bat? And he's like, got to give it up for Jesus, man. He was watching over me and helped me out, you know, whatever, you know, he did the usual athlete thing. Got to give it up for Jesus Christ. And it was like, okay, he's given up for Jesus Christ. And then I thought, remember last year when you tossed the ball into the stands and the guy leaned over to go get it and he fell off the balcony and died?

[Adam Carolla]

That was also Jesus.

[Dave Damaschek]

That Jesus, too, by the way. Jesus got to get his priorities straight when he. As it deals, as it pertains to this dude, right? He's killing, like, a dad who's there with his son who's like, I don't know, he's a fireman or something like that. And he was, like, leaning forward and I give all praise to Jesus Christ. How about the dude who died less than a year ago when you were tossing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the thing that's so, I think, insensitive or myopic about people who were saved from the jaws of death in a car accident or something. It's like, oh, the Lord decided to save me. Well, what about the other people who died in the car?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I concur. I mean, that was. That's Got to be the kind of thing that would ruin a lot of guys. Like, because that wasn't. You know, there's killing a man in the ring, and that's a sport. He's punching you, you're punching him. He hemorrhaged, and two days later, he never came out of his coma and died in the hospital. But that's the sport you're doing. Then there's. There's that part of. And then there's hitting a foul ball and hitting someone in the head and killing them. And again, part of the sport, but in a way that has more to do with the design of the stadium than it does you. And then there's you throwing someone the ball and coming up short. Again, not on purpose, but this is. This is volitional. I mean, this isn't part of the sport. This is you. And now the guy's dead, which has got to be the weirdest thing to live with on the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

And ironically, professional ballplayer sort of coming up in short on a shortish throw. But how much hey, Jesus, thanks for the four dingers can be left in you after that incident?

[Adam Carolla]

Or does that incident allow you to have a lot of hey, Jesus, thanks for the dingers? Because you need to find some way to deal with your guilt.

[Dave Damaschek]

Don't know. But I found it very ironic he's.

[Bald Brian]

Also a craving addict. Like, he's famous for being formerly addicted to heroin and stuff. So he probably has, like, blind faith. You know what I mean? Like, put it all on Jesus. There's that element of it, too.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, Adam, when you were boxing, did you ever worry about really hurting the person?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I was worried about them hurting.

[Adam Carolla]

Me as long as there was some.

[Dave Damaschek]

Kind of fear going on and my feelings as well. It's not all physical.

[Adam Carolla]

So the new iPhone is reported to. It will be at least 4 inches diagonally compared to the 3.5 inches on the current model. So I think this is interesting because the whole thing, for the longest time with electronics was smaller and smaller and smaller, and now they're saying, no, little bigger.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, the screen, obviously. Everyone's watching so much on their screen. I gotta say, somebody's gotta work something out with these touch screens and shit. Where I was dialing Jimmy Kimmel's office when I was walking in today, just because I got out of my car. Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

And my thigh hit my accidentally dialing it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he was like. When I was walking in, he was probably doing his monologue or something. I wasn't calling him, but I Looked down and my phone was dialing his office. And I've done it evidently a thousand times to a thousand different people. And somebody's gonna get. I know somebody's already been busted on this. We've talked about it a million times. It's mathematically impossible for times a million ass dials a day for you not to be talking shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, no, there's some story that Sharon Osbourne was in a therapy session talking about Kelly and her phone dialed Kelly or something.

[Dave Damaschek]

Exactly, that's what I mean. Yeah. I mean, here's the deal. The only people in your phone are people you know. The people you talk about are usually the people you know. And there's a decent enough chance that if you're in the phone, I mean, not you, but if you, you're on the phone and Brian's in the phone and there's a handful of other people on the phone, it was only X amount of lunches we could go out where we were talking a little shit about Brian, where at some point I wouldn't ass dial him and he wouldn't hear half of the fucking conversation. So what's going on? Shouldn't there be something? And I know someone's gonna tweet me tomorrow and tell me, here's what you gotta do. But I don't want the here's what you gotta do. This shouldn't happen. Like, it just shouldn't happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Now do you have the thing where you're like, oh, so and so called me and then you listen and you realize it actually they just butt dialed you. Like someone that normally wouldn't call you?

[Dave Damaschek]

Mmm, no, I haven't had, I haven't had that. Oh, maybe I've had that once. Maybe I've had that once or twice. But no, I haven't had. I haven't. I had a lot of butt dialing. Although I've, like I said, I've been accused of butt dialing. And again, as I've said, you want to know where you stand with someone, just accuse them of butt dialing you all the time. And if you want to take it a little step further, because no one would ever have the ball ever looking at eye and go, no, I didn't. Like, you need to tell people, I don't know if you know this, but you butt dial me all the time. And half the time I swear you're talking about me. If that person goes, oh, come on, you know me, I'm fucking, just kidding around. I don't fucking mean anything I say. I'm a comedian for a living. You can't go buy anything. I say, that person talks a ton of shit about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Erase them from your phone immediately.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do it for fun.

[Adam Carolla]

So how do we feel about the fact that the phone is gonna be.

[Ace]

A little bigger than that?

[Adam Carolla]

I think I can deal with it.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't. My feeling is I don't mind the phone being the phone and the TV being the TV and the computer being the computer. And I do agree, every once in a while there's that thing where you go. You're trying to show someone a picture, and it's like you can't quite tell because the screen's not so big. And they want to make the screen bigger because people are going to be sitting in airports just watching Hulu on their phone, and that's where we're going. But I want something. You got to start making pants bigger or pockets bigger or something because I need a place to put the phone as a dude. First off, it should be illegal to manufacture dudes shirts that don't have the pocket in the chest. And secondly, pocket or ticket, I could use a pocket. And these pockets are only so wide. It barely fits the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like your phone would break your.

[Dave Damaschek]

Pocket as it is. And when you put it in your jeans, that's when all the ass and butt and thigh dialing begins. And it's a brick in there. And so I think for me, I'd like something smaller, like a tiny pocketbook. That's me. I just like a little. I just like a little phone, and I'll just use it as a phone. And if I want to look at something, I'll bring the iPad or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're not going to be carrying a small purse?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but I do want to get that Siri thing. What is that? Siri.

[Adam Carolla]

Siri, Siri. Yeah, it's on the 4s.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, man. I've seen Mike lynch yelling into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Or does it actually work for him?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, it works for him. We're like driving through Sacramento and he's like, it's always food related. It's never like, I need to find the nearest gym. It's always like, where can we find Hungarian polish food at 4am and they have to have dessert. And so it's like, they're in.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on a second, stoner. I'll find it for you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hold on. When are the fish coming? When is fish coming in concert? And are they gonna play Dark side of the Moon or Tommy and that's the way it works. And then it tells him, tells them what to do. Oh, we found a fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to get one of those.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, it's fucking awesome.

[Bald Brian]

Siri does work.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. See, I just have the iPhone 4. But I've seen people with Siri being frustrated by it. But I'm happy to know that it's not just frustrating.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Siri thing was like, Mike was like, I need to find Hungarian, German or Polish food within a three mile radius of the hotel. And it was like, go down Hoover street, turn right and go forward 100 yards. And then they said, and I'd like to find a Bally's Gym. And went, who you, kid? And that was it.

[Ace]

Come on, what else you got?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, what else you got?

[Adam Carolla]

So for the first time ever in the history of the United States that we have known it, non white births outnumber white births.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, that's it. We're going to Canada.

[Adam Carolla]

Between July 2010 and July 2011, non white births outnumbered whitebirds 50.4% to 49.6%. So, you know, big whoop.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, this is not a good thing. This is not good.

[Bald Brian]

I assume white is white and non white includes mixed race because there's no, there's exactly 100% in those statistics. So there's no.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know what I mean? Yeah, it's probably, at least I think the fastest growing population. The group's probably Hispanic.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the census? So it's how people are self identifying to a degree.

[Dave Damaschek]

We gotta figure this one out because we need a balance in this country and like LA's lost its balance. It's tilting too hard toward Mexico and it's fucking everything up. And the reason, I'll tell you guys why, I'll go on my xenophobic rant. Everyone comes here to get away from their country essentially because their country has too many of them in it. That's basically what happened to their country. We got a nice mix. See our mix? We had a nice mix. No, nice mix is like what you need is you need some skinny fast guys to run outs and skill position guys. It's kind of like a football team. You need like the big corn fed German dudes, Steinkooler, guys like that to block. You need that guy to block. Then you need the little brothers who are scatty guys to get there. And then you need the eastern block guy who kicks field goals, the sidewinder field goal. You need that mix. Now you can go, yeah, you want all the brothers or all the eastern European guys? Or all the big white guys. Nah, you need the sort of balance that makes the strongest team.

[Bald Brian]

You need the Jews to play safety.

[Dave Damaschek]

They put the free in safety. You need the mix now, la.

[Adam Carolla]

You people are dying out. I hope you're happy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Louisiana has fucked its mix up. Louisiana has gone too Hispanic and it's fucked things up. And the reason I say that is Mexico's fucked up. And that's why everyone's coming over here. They're coming over here for opportunity. They're coming over here for employment. And there used to be a deal. You come over here and you have to assimilate because you're not going to be able to get along if you don't assimilate. But once you get to a critical mass, then who really needs to learn English? And who needs to assimilate? Because we're in a group that doesn't need to assimilate because there's so many of us. We have our own stores, we have our own mayor, we have our own radio, we have our own fill in the blank. So now the assimilation part. Unnecessary. And listen, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to learn a new language either, and if I didn't have to. Fuck it. So that's what we have. Unfortunately, it's fucked the balance up. Now, the politicians, they're really. Their business is not fixing things or working on any kind of balance. Their deal is getting elected. So their group is like, who's the fastest growing group? Who do I have to pander to? And then I will pander to that group, which does not help that group. That group needs to be told, learn this language. Assimilate. And don't create a smaller version of what you just left here in the San Fernando Valley. Spread out and join the melting pot. But that's not going to happen. It won't happen. It's done. We've done. And now we're at a critical mass and we're fucked. And I don't know what the fucking plan is, because the politicians are not going to go for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Arsenio.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, Arsenio. Speaking of melting pot. Oh, now we lost him. You don't dangle Arsenio out in front of a dude and then pull him away or working on the call now. What do you guys think?

[Bald Brian]

We need some kind of final solution.

[Adam Carolla]

That's really catchy.

[Bald Brian]

We've had a few solutions, but we need one that comes at.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know, kid, you normally talk a lot of bullshit, but for once you're making sense on the Same page.

[Bald Brian]

Finally.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Mm. All right, we're gonna look.

[Bald Brian]

I like how you said that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that a lot of the Hispanic babies that are born here are. And I know this is not what you think, Adam.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Are not. Are no different than the white babies born here.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but their families are.

[Bald Brian]

They're darker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Their families don't focus on education as much as, let's say, Japanese babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Now they're back.

[Dave Damaschek]

So Jewish parents or whatever, Korean parents.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenzibet Putah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Or do you agree with that? You agree with that statement with Allison Rosen Uncomfortably?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay. That's the problem. Arsenio.

[Arsenio Hall]

What's up, dude?

[Dave Damaschek]

What's happening, Arsenio?

[Arsenio Hall]

Oh, man, I'm surviving, man. How you doing, Corolla?

[Brad Paisley]

Hey.

[Arsenio Hall]

Hey, by the way, thanks for that advanced manuscript.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yeah, I sent you out my book. Yeah.

[Arsenio Hall]

When is that coming out for the public?

[Dave Damaschek]

My book is going to be out June 12th. Thank you so much for bringing it up.

[Arsenio Hall]

Yeah, I mean, I'm enjoying it thus far, but, hey, this is not about you. This is about me, Adam.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. Arsenio. Arsenio. Congratulations on making it to the final two. The Celebrity Apprentice.

[Arsenio Hall]

Isn't it weird when you get to the final two, you actually can pick an argument alone?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that's fun. And I gotta say, early on, I felt Clay. I was like, oh, Clay's going to be all over this shit. And I did not think Arsenio. I didn't not think Arsenio. I just thought Clay. That was the only thought I had. Did you have any early picks?

[Arsenio Hall]

You know what? There was something about pin that was intimidating, and it was like, well, he has to win this, right? And I figured, that's too easy. That's too easy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, and, but.

[Arsenio Hall]

But I. But Penn was. Was. Was the first person that I kind of thought about.

[Dave Damaschek]

I did, too. But there's a part of the game that's the game, and then there's the part of the game where you're just shrewd and hard working and smart. And I think Penn is shrewd, hard working and smart, but not a game player.

[Arsenio Hall]

Yeah, he really didn't want to fuck with it, did he? There were times when he would, you know, he would do shit like going confessional and just talk to them about Laurel and Hardy. And they would say, but do you think Arsenio is an asshole? And he would say, now there's a misconception about Hardy's weight. And he would just go, into some shit, and he didn't want to play the game. I've seen him sing hey Jude to fuck up a take.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he would do that all the time. So you couldn't clear it, in other words.

[Arsenio Hall]

I guess that's one of those songs that you absolutely just can't clear.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I mean, most Beatles stuff, but for some reason, hey Jude's at the top, at least Penn's list. So excited.

[Arsenio Hall]

Not to interrupt, Adam, but I was. The reason I was saying that is because I know we went through some crazy, crazy shit about that Duran Duran thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, Arsenalio. I did 20 minutes on that yesterday, and it fucking drove me nuts. No, it's all right. We did our Sound Alike or our Feel Alike Duran Duran song that the lawyers wouldn't let us play in our psa, and it drove me. Well, Arsenio, you experienced it, I'm sure, sitting next to me, but I was pissed. I was pissed.

[Arsenio Hall]

Yeah.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah. So you.

[Arsenio Hall]

Pretty much. So you don't even need hey Jude to create confusion at a printed.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but listen, I felt, first off, I was really flattered that you picked me. Number one. It's everybody's schoolyard nightmare to come in and have. Have a picking process in front of 8 million people. Like, it's normally just a PE coach. This is you getting picked. And I thought, well, I haven't been here in 11 weeks, so I'm going last. And Arsenio had the first pick and picked me first. And I was profoundly flattered by that. Arsenio.

[Arsenio Hall]

Well, I had a reason. Here's the deal. You know Jimmy Kimmel really well. No, I had a reason. When I looked at everybody, first of all, when you were there, I thought you'd be there longer. Not only did we have a really good time, but you were playing some really smart ball. Maybe too smart, actually. So I also don't know if people realize that you're the only guy I kind of knew when I got there.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Arsenio Hall]

You know, I mean, I've been on the radio with you. You're an LA comic. I've interviewed Pennsylvania. I've never even met Clay. So as little as I know you, you were the one I knew the most. So that was always there, and we always had fun. And I felt that last week I'd been through hell. I mean, we had stirred the turd over and over again, man. And I was like, I just want to have a good time going out of here, so I'm going to do a comedy show, and I'm going to Start with Adam. Adam's a great writer. I never knew we'd have to do some of the things we actually had to do, but Adam's a great writer. So I really saw you as the guy with the jump shot. I got the white boy. So bam, I pick you. And I'm thinking, I'm gonna do a comedy show. So I'm gonna try to get comedy variety. So I'm gonna try to get Penn, obviously, because I felt Clay won't pick Penn. He wants a nice week, too. That's the one person that has been his riddler to Clay's Batman, you know? So I'm, like, shocked when he picks Pin.

[Dave Damaschek]

Arsenio. It's a pretty good message to everyone out there listening, which I explain to people all the time. You can argue with a person, you can have a contentious relationship, but when there's a job to be done and you're good at what you do, your boss will recognize that and oftentimes take you, even if it's to the detriment of the time you may be having with the person. Like, if you're good.

[Bald Brian]

Myself being on the radio show.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, right. You're good. You'll work. And so Clay was like, I don't like Penn. I'm tired of Penn. But Penn's such a strong player, I'm going to take him. And better yet, I can't give him to Arsenio. That's just going to tip the balance in his direction way too much.

[Arsenio Hall]

So, Arsenio, what you just said, that's exactly what went through my head.

[Dave Damaschek]

Exactly that. When do you leave for New York?

[Arsenio Hall]

I'm here right now because I had to come in and do Fallon tonight.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ah, cool. And, you know, remember at the beginning when Donald Trump said this was going to do amazing things for everyone's career?

[Arsenio Hall]

I do remember, were we at Avery Fisher hall and he said that?

[Dave Damaschek]

I think, yeah. How much of that have you felt? Have you felt? And I guess after Sunday night, there's going to be quite a bit more of it, because it's the big finale. But if you felt things coming up, phone ringing, agent calling, that kind of stuff.

[Arsenio Hall]

I'll tell you the big difference. Instead of me calling and saying, can I judge the Miss USA Pageant? They have someone call me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Wow.

[Arsenio Hall]

So my life has improved by, like, two Lego blocks. You know, here's the deal. I don't know about magical things happening. You know?

[Dave Damaschek]

Sure.

[Arsenio Hall]

I think we still are guys who will work really hard. We got some visibility to ride to the next project But I don't know if, you know, we're in a different business now. It's rediscovering itself. And what do you do if the world was your oyster right now, Adam, what would you do? If you could rub a lamp and have any vehicle, what would it be?

[Dave Damaschek]

I would probably sit around creatively and just make. I'd probably just make, like, independent movies. I just write scripts and just do movies. I would assume. And I think I would do this podcast, too, because every single day, something happens that pisses me off and I write it down, I have to bitch about it. And even sometimes when I go the weekend, I go two days or sometimes three days without doing the podcast. I feel like I'm like an anal gland that needs to be expressed. Thank you. Yeah.

[Arsenio Hall]

Very sophisticated diary you got there.

[Dave Damaschek]

Thank you. Arsenio. Yes.

[Arsenio Hall]

Go on. No, go on.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was just gonna give you and us a plug. Celebrity Apprentice live finale, Sunday, May 20th at 9pm on NBC. It's gonna be you. It's gonna be Clay. There's a part of me, when I was thinking about this trip, there's a part of me that thought, oh, good, I can just sit there in the cheap seats and crack wise in the bleachers next to Theresa and all the other losers. I don't have to be sitting up there sweating it out with Clay and Arsenio. Is there a part of you that feels nerves about this?

[Arsenio Hall]

Oh, yeah. I'm a nervous wreck. Man, this is a real stressful week. I can't even imagine sitting at that table. I can't even imagine, at my age, hearing those final words without just having a heart attack either way.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, but you've raised. How much have you raised for Magic Johnson? The Magic Johnson foundation already?

[Arsenio Hall]

I'm hoping it's about, you know, I'm no John Rich. I'm hoping it's about. At a quarter of a million dollars. We didn't do as much focus on fundraising this year. I don't know if that was intentional or whether they knew we had no friends. But you know what? Have you noticed that when you look at previous years, there's more of a focus on fundraising?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I think probably somebody said, look, I don't like a competition that ends with some whale coming in and cutting a check for 300 grand.

[Bald Brian]

I agree with that. I always thought it was kind of lame how it just. It just came to a check writing contest.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. I want to see who's got skill. I want to see. More importantly, I want to see who can go on Rachel Ray's show and make the best hoagie. You know, real important shit like that.

[Arsenio Hall]

And by the way, you know, beyond making a hoagie, we were true veterans in that situation. We blew the ladies away when we went on the show because our presentation, I'm telling you, when you put a comic in a situation, you get a million percent more for your money. We stepped up there with a damn sandwich. Lampanelli, a great veteran, but she had an anchor. She had the Gotti lady. Yes, Victoria Gotti. And the bottom line is, we turned that out, Adam. We had a show. The whole thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

I do, too. Arsenio. I'm gonna be rooting for you, baby, because that's where the money is. Oh, and tell people I don't know where the money is, but it's where my heart is. My guys over here feel horrible about that whole Magic Johnson shooting his earlobe thing.

[Arsenio Hall]

Hey, hey, by the way, I mean, first of all, what other situation would I have been able to write a lot of Johnson and Johnson earlobe commercial Q tip jokes? I mean, it stimulated the funny bone and the ink pen, but that was good tv. Look how they hung the whole cliffhanger on that situation.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know. I'm looking at him right now.

[Arsenio Hall]

Without that mistake, what do they have?

[Dave Damaschek]

I know. I'm looking at the guy right now. Obviously, we're dumb. That's scary. But don't worry. We'll see if it gets resolved. I'll let it dangle out there. Arsenio. I'm excited.

[Arsenio Hall]

Adam, Adam, one more thing. One more thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Arsenio Hall]

You know, Magic, at some point, could have said, should I look at the camera? I'm not even sure how that happened. I think someone had a contact that day.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, contact high.

[Arsenio Hall]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, interesting. I like that. Arsenio, I'm gonna see you Sunday. I can't wait.

[Arsenio Hall]

That's cool, man.

[Dave Damaschek]

Win, lose or draw, we'll go out and have smoke a little spleef and have a beer after the show.

[Arsenio Hall]

You know what? Let's go get some of that cooking wine.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's a wine store that me and Arsenio discovered down the street from the hotel. Good to see you, my brother. And I'll see you on Sunday. Take care of yourself. Arsenio hall, NBC.comapprentice you can Twitter arseniofficial. Arsenio is a great guy to hang out with.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's gonna kill you.

[Dave Damaschek]

We'll listen. Let's put it this way, they're creating suspense partially through editing, but let's Face it, you have to have something to edit together. You have to give them something. Do you know what I'm saying? We gave them something. I was in the edit bay. Not the edit bay where they edited the scene in the edit bay, but the edit bay. Edit bay. And they're having a little fun at Gary's expense. The producers of Celebrity Apprentice and let's just say Sunday night, I think it'll be straightened out.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

Let's not step on it too much past that. All right. The great Dave Damaschek back. The triumphant return of Dave Dameshek next. And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show.

[Ace]

Dateline Sydney, Australia.

[Dave Damaschek]

St Vincent's Hospital went into lockdown as police investigated a 66 year old patient with a hidden gun in his artificial leg. Definitely not a Jew. Dave Damaschek. Finally return to the Adam Carolla podcast. Dave, you and I have to do a basic cable commentary on something soon.

[Ace]

Listen, you know, I'm demanding it, you know, you know, I'd love that. I have a lot of candidates. You know, what's a. What's a more modern one? It seems like we tend to, to look at the 80s pictures for these basic cable classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Ace]

Although you did gone in 60 seconds. Right? So that's a 90s picture.

[Dave Damaschek]

Probably.

[Ace]

Yeah, Titanic. That's a great. Titanic is an absurd picture.

[Adam Carolla]

You might need a lady voice in that one as well.

[Ace]

Victory. Yeah, that'd be.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that could be. Yeah. And.

[Ace]

And Victory, the Stallone movie. That's a wonderful.

[Dave Damaschek]

Play soccer. Yeah.

[Ace]

Michael Caine is a soccer player. He play. He's not a coach. He's one of the players.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Ace]

Around and plays Pele.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, Pele's in that.

[Ace]

That's a, That's a gem. I mean there are. There. I mean, obviously the. We could. It won't be hard to come up with which ones.

[Dave Damaschek]

We used to be a lot of guys showing up in movies like LeBron James doesn't really show up. And I guess he shows up as LeBron James in a movie now. Yeah, that's the. Mike Tyson shows up as Mike Tyson. But Pele is just another one of the many black prisoner of war guys.

[Ace]

Growing up as a. But he's a horrible actor and it throws you off. You can excuse Mike Tyson stinking because he's being Tyson.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's Tyson, but also he's in a German prisoner of war camp.

[Ace]

When I was a boy in the.

[Dave Damaschek]

Streets of Brazil, yeah, it was a crazy. He was like the most famous Guy on the planet for a while. And I don't know that movie it was about. They had to play soccer. It was the longest yard. It was a European. It was like the metric version of the longest yard. It was the longest meter.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is that what it was?

[Ace]

No, It's a serious minded drama.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know. But they had to beat the guards at soccer.

[Ace]

They played the Nazi scourge.

[Dave Damaschek]

The scourge of the Nazis. Yeah.

[Ace]

They took. They went head to head with them. The Nazis got him down 40 by the half. And then I'm not going to say another.

[Dave Damaschek]

Spoiler alerts. All right. Just called Victory Dave Damshek. The podcast is the Twist Dave Damaschek football program. You can get it on itunes. You can go to davedamichek.NFL.com and you can Twitter him @davemic. All right, I'm sorry, Amishek. Dave, do you have some sports for us? What do we got going on?

[Ace]

I do, but real quick, I just wanted to say this is a little uncomfortable, but, Adam, you've been butt dialing me quite a bit, and at least half the time it's pretty negative stuff.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm hearing about Dave. You know me, I talk shit about everybody. I talk about everyone being annoying.

[Ace]

At least your man. Yeah, the annoying thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

I didn't.

[Ace]

I had no idea that you thought.

[Dave Damaschek]

I talk about every guy thinking he's hot but really being annoying. That's what I do. And not knowing that much about sports, that's what I. I do that about everyone. David, I'm a comedian. You can't listen to me. You know what?

[Ace]

I respect you for being man enough to say I was doing it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I didn't know I was doing it, so I was with you. I was doing man.

[Ace]

All right, listen. With that being said, hit it it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, they're opening.

[Ace]

It's time for Dave Damek's number one.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sports Jimmy Kimmel Number one who?

[Ace]

Sports.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do it, Dave.

[Ace]

Oh, my God, I feel so. Oh, suddenly I. I'm having a horrible, chilly flashback.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're picturing like Jack Silver behind the glass.

[Ace]

That's exactly what I'm thinking of.

[Dave Damaschek]

Like. Keep it tight, fella. Yeah.

[Ace]

Third wheel.

[Bald Brian]

Why don't you lay out for the segment?

[Dave Damaschek]

Just sit outside in the hallway.

[Bald Brian]

We'll take care of the interview.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sniper in the weeds.

[Ace]

Well, I'll start with this. What do you. What does everybody think about. The Lakers are, of course the. The biggest game in town here in Los Angeles, which is strange. Most. Most towns are NFL football, but the Lakers Are what people care about here. But it looks like they're in trouble now after they're. Now they're down.02 at the time of this recording to the Oklahoma City Thunder. And it occurred to me, watching them a couple days ago, this may be the most unlikable collection of players on one team that I. That I can remember. I mean, think about. Kobe Bryant is maybe the most likable guy on that team, which is, you know, which is damning with faint praise.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right. He's a.

[Ace]

He does like a Michael Jordan impression and has for 15 years. He has a chip on his shoulder because of the whole trial in Denver thing and probably living abroad as a child messed with his head. But he's an odd bird. He's not. He's not exactly. There's something unseemly about him. You don't exactly embrace him, I don't think.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I always. I think he's a kind of guy who's wondering what you're thinking about him and trying to act accordingly. He doesn't just seem like Charles Barkley. Like, we all love Charles Barkley because he just seems like Charles Barkley is Charles Barkley. And I feel like Kobe Bryant is a guy who's been through media training one too many times in his own head.

[Ace]

I think he studied Michael Jordan. I mean, his mannerisms are. Are creepily like him.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Like this.

[Bald Brian]

It's that. And he butt raped that poor girl.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's more the inauthenticity that throws me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, he.

[Ace]

He did. He did blaze that trail for all NBA guys. You don't hear very much. You don't. You really don't hear very much about those out of wedlock pregnancies anymore. Why? Because Kobe. Because that's what they call it. Kobe style now.

[Dave Damaschek]

He gave her the Kobe style. That's right. I know for guys who traditionally love that rear end. I mean, they're, they're, they're. They're ass men. Those NBA guys. They love the brothers, love the buns. I didn't know about that. They do.

[Ace]

Well, they used to, like. Well, it used to be like a set shot. And then Kareem came along and he came up with the sky hook. And this is what Kobe's done for. For lovemaking.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but honestly, that's why like, like Kim Kardashian is kryptonite. She's Kardashianite to the brothers. Like, they can't help themselves. They see that ass and they cannot help themselves. It's a weird Thing because white guys ain't into that ass. Black guys go insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir Mix a got right to the heart of this.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, yeah. He loved Big Boss. He couldn't lie.

[Adam Carolla]

The other brothers can't deny.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. And this red red beans and rice and miser walks in with an itty.

[Ace]

Bitty thing and a big round thing in your face. I get sprung.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right? Okay, so. Okay, my point is this. Awful lot of honkies in here. For guys who enjoy the ass that much, there's little to no ass play. Do you know what I mean? As far as I know, they don't seem like the cornholers. Or maybe. And maybe Cody.

[Ace]

Oh, you mean man on manly love.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not only man on man, but even with the ladies, I feel like. I feel like.

[Ace]

Oh, you're. Yes. You're saying it's ironic that because they love the big bottoms, they're not trying to put their dicks in them, go in between them.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right, right. Kobe and I believe that was the European side of Kobe's penis that was doing that. You know what I mean? That was. That was a very Eurocentric thing to do.

[Ace]

Sophisticated.

[Adam Carolla]

He had like a Jekyll Hyde situation going on in his genitals.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's a Jekyll backside thing going in his genitals. Yeah. Anyway, so Kobe and then.

[Ace]

Well, so he's no Gol.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Ace]

Then you have Pau Gasol, who's this European guy who, unless he scores a basket, cries literally every single possession to the referees afterwards. He does that. That very European.

[Dave Damaschek]

The two hands.

[Ace]

The two hands, like, oh, I mean, he's Spanish.

[Dave Damaschek]

Don't do it.

[Ace]

Yeah, that thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

He also. He also looks haggard and beleaguered all the time. He has. It looks like. I feel like he should get some sleep. Like, that is true.

[Ace]

Or at least some sun.

[Dave Damaschek]

Imagine if he was the pilot of your airplane and he walked in and you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, listen. No way are you fucking flying.

[Ace]

I thought these guys weren't allowed to be drunk.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, like relax. He needs to shave and put a little toner under his eyes or something.

[Adam Carolla]

He's picturing the undead.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. He's got that look, you know that look that certain dogs have where you see the red part underneath their eyelets?

[Adam Carolla]

Like Hound Dog.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. A counter stick. The lower lid weighs too much for the orbital socket and it hangs down and they just look like, I gotta take a nap. That's. That's. That's what he looks like.

[Ace]

Yeah. So he's not likable and he's soft most of the time. And then you have. You have Andrew Bynum, who's 25 years of age. He is the center for the Los Angeles Lakers, one of the great positions you can be in in all of sport. He's a multi millionaire, of course, he's arguably the linchpin to the team's success going forward, and yet he derives no apparent pleasure from any of it. I hate guys like that. He just walks around with a puss on all the time. You never see him smile. He's. He's petulant. He's completely unlikable, and I resent somebody.

[Dave Damaschek]

Really say anything he's at.

[Ace]

Well, yeah, he's. Yeah, he's a. He's sort of. Right. He's. He's distant. He's put out by having to do interviews and be a millionaire and everything else.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Ace]

And he. Parks and handicap spaces.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, right. I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't bring a lot to the game. There's no personality there.

[Ace]

And then he. And then finally, you have the criminally insane. Peace.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yeah. World peace.

[Ace]

So, I mean, what's. And Shaq Fu was likable. Amar Odom was cuckoo. But likable. At least Eric Fisher was an admirable.

[Dave Damaschek]

How long after he named himself Metta World piece did he attempt to take his elbow and push it through another man's skull?

[Ace]

I think he almost made it a year.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, okay.

[Ace]

That was a pretty good run for him.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right. That's a good run.

[Ace]

And in the meantime, you have the Miami Heat. And in spite of their terrible name, you know, I like for the name Standanesque because it's grammatically confusing. The Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami. It's terrible. But that being said, I'd like for America to embrace this team because this is a, you know, controversial politically. Adam, because I know your. Your take on the 99 percenters, but I feel like LeBron, his whole decision was obnoxious. Remember when he made his thing like, yeah, I'm taking my talents to South Beach. It couldn't have been. You know, it was arrogant. It was. It was. It was sort of, you know, a big kiss off to his homeland. He lives there for 25 years, plays there, gets. Is lucky enough to get to play in his home state. And he's like, yeah, I'm getting out of here. I'm going where it's sunny South Beach. I'm gonna party it up.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't think he could have handled that any, in any way. Worse a fashion. And Just the phrasing of I'm taking my talents. You know, why did. Oh, because he's an idiot. Or not. But why would he, why would he phrase it?

[Adam Carolla]

Why would he blow smoke up his own ass as he said it?

[Ace]

Yeah, he's a braggart. And you liked him up until that point, I think, I think we mostly thought he was semi funny. You'd see him do things and he was more amusing than the average athlete.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sure.

[Ace]

Fun to look at, fun to watch and everything. And then he makes this announcement. But the, but underneath that ridiculous thing he did. Why, if he would have said instead of I'm taking my talents to south beach, what if he would have said, I'm gonna occupy South Beach, I'm striking a blow for the working class man. Because in the, because in the NBA hierarchy, yes, he's a multi millionaire, but. But in that hierarchy he's the proletariat. He was taking a strike against the bourgeoisie. That's what he was doing. You understand?

[Dave Damaschek]

That was a long way to go for you to say bourgeoisie. I know that's what you wanted to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you want the names to end in S? Just for anyone who's not familiar with.

[Ace]

Well, listen, how about this? What if they get to the finals and they play the Oklahoma City Thunder? That's going to be, I mean, the horrible puns we're going to have to endure from the announcers for two weeks is going to be, is going to be horribly painful. You know, can the thorn. Can the thunderstorm back tonight. Yeah, they'll be so pleased with themselves. I, I don't like it. It needs to end in an S. You know, their rules can't just go around potentially.

[Dave Damaschek]

People are ignoring your rules.

[Ace]

They should have been the Oklahoma City Twisters because, you know, they have the tornadoes. That would have been a good name, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Well, the Kings have an S. And you wouldn't want the Los Angeles King.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're not, but.

[Ace]

And also, Ace, your conservative pals would also like the Miami Heat. They should. Because isn't it what they're doing, what they're attempting at least is the trickle down effect. They're running an experiment. They're three top tier guys and hopefully their success will trickle down. And just like real trickle down economics, it doesn't actually work. But it's an interesting. But all of us, this is America's team and yet we refuse to embrace them because of his poor war choice.

[Dave Damaschek]

Also, the continuing of the tattoos feels weird to me, although it is the number One sport where you should get a tattoo because, you know, these guys are sleeveless, so if you think about it, kind of makes sense, but a lot of it is nullified because they.

[Adam Carolla]

Should sell that space for endorsement tattoos.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yeah, that's smart. Golden Palace. It's been talked about.

[Ace]

Yeah. People have talked about the idea about tattooing Coca Cola on your thing, but what happens. Actually, Kimmel asked this. Some big marketing guy actually said to him, what. You know, why. Why don't we see that? That seems like that would be the next step in the evolution of these things. And the guy said, yeah, what happens when. When that guy kills somebody or rapes somebody and then he's got Coca Cola tattooed on his arm?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be easy to identify him.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, really?

[Ace]

Yeah, yeah. They don't want to be associated with that.

[Dave Damaschek]

So you'd think you'd. Saying Steve Kerr would have.

[Ace]

I know. There's no one. There's no one who might be a good bet in sports. Tom Brady wouldn't be worth it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, I. I think.

[Ace]

Except that the guys who get the tattoos are.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right, are. Are also scary guys. Yeah. I. I do think, as well that the NBA would not stand for it. Nobody would stand for it. I mean, I. But I can remember those old days when Jim McMahon was told he couldn't wear his headband, so he put Roselle on his headband, and, like, there's a lot of weird. Jim McMahon. He gets his. I mean, he was a jokester, but he was really kind of way off the reservation. Like, I think he was told he couldn't wear his Adidas headband or something.

[Ace]

That's what it was.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. He put the commissioner's name on the headband and would wear that around, and it didn't seem to get that much. We ba. To helicopter, do a lot of weird stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuck a fork in his eye, that guy. Right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Stuck a fork in his eye when he was a kid. Yeah.

[Ace]

Yeah. That's why he wears the shades. And now he's. And now he's sort of goofy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ace]

And speaking of that, Ace, I, you know, I'd be interested in your thoughts. Of course, A lot of people, you know, a lot of people are fatalistically announcing the. The NFL is doomed. Football is doomed. And I can absolutely see the argument against allowing your children to play football because, you know, everybody who thinks it's impossible for the NFL to ever get knocked off the mountaintop, but of course, boxing and horse racing were 60 or 70 years ago. Nobody. If I would have told you yes, Pro basketball and pro football will be far more popular than either of those. People would have scoffed at that. Of course, these things, you know, can go, you know, 30 years ago, the best. If you were 225 pounds, you were probably decided to go the way of the pugilist. Maybe not 25, maybe 40 years ago.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Ace]

But, you know, now all those guys go play football or play basketball instead of getting hit in the head. But I mean, do you think. Do you think football's doomed? Did you think it's going to become more of a fringy sport? Or is it as simple as taking off our beloved face masks or doing something like that? Because I buy the notion that you feel more secure hurdling your body into someone else if you feel fully protected.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, there's been. People have talked about. I can't remember if it was Jim Lampley. Oh, no, it's our favorite. It's Brian.

[Ace]

Jim Hill.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, not Jim Hill.

[Ace]

He has a concussion. You know, that is true, my friend.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Who?

[Bald Brian]

Brian Gumbel.

[Dave Damaschek]

Brian Gummel. Yeah, Brian Gumbel does always talk about that. All I know is this. I spend a lot of time in automobiles with Mike August. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Ace]

And Mike August, you could have just stopped it. I spent a lot of time with my goggles.

[Dave Damaschek]

A lot of time. I mean. I mean, we drive to Sacramento and Irvine and back, and sometimes it's just us alone all through the night. And he. His dad is a football coach and he's gone through his travel and his dad's been everywhere and his dad's coached a bunch of teams. And, you know, and it's funny because Mike, just because his dad was a football coach, you know, he'll just sit around and say stuff like, you know, the accident, you know, they can beat the whack, but they're not going to beat the Big Ten. And it's like, okay, I don't know what to say. He knows what college team is in wack and which one's in the Big 12 and which one's in the Big 10 and which is. He knows everything about everything. He played football. His dad played football's dad, Coach. That's all he did. And he says to me every time this story comes up, he says, you know, back in the day when they had the old metal face masks and they were soft, they'd bend in and if a guy put his helmet into another guy, that just crush and smash his face. If they went back to those old face masks. And I'm always Thinking, what the fuck is he talking about? I don't know what he's talking about. Now the new face masks are so hard and you could just plow it in there, but the old ones, you'd bend up men and break your nose. And I'm thinking, all right, first off, I played 11 years of football. No one ever bends. And their face mask, it never happened. There was a movie called the North Dallas 40 where a Dilbert or whatever played with a bad hamstring and he caught like a screen and he started clutching his hamstring and he got his face smashed and it bent his face mask in and they were like, oh, man, look what happened to him. But we used to watch Earl Campbell and Jack Tatum and some crazy ass hitting going on back in the day. Nobody's face mask got bent into their face. So I never know what the fuck to tell Mike August when he's talking about. And the old ones were thick metal and they were heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he making an argument for therefore they were better though or worse?

[Ace]

He says Mike August is make a lot of his arguments, if not all of them are predicated on Carolla's old thing about the guy who says, like, oh, yeah, I'm really good at hockey in la because no one can ever disprove him. August gambles whoever he's arguing with won't immediately be able to access the information that will immediately disprove.

[Adam Carolla]

One time I called him on the meaning of a word. It didn't go well.

[Dave Damaschek]

Absolutely, no.

[Ace]

But he does a lot of that. Absolutely not. He does a lot of that kind of stuff.

[Dave Damaschek]

Your big, I think, you know, you followed the Steelers a little bit coming up, right?

[Ace]

I'm aware of them. Yeah, they're pretty good.

[Dave Damaschek]

They've got some good Jack Splat, Jack Lambert, I mean, Donnie Shell, all those, all those guys, Mel Blunt, big hitter. Did those guys ever come out of a game because their face mask was bent? I mean, you saw them win a bunch of Super Bowls. That Jack Lambert who put his head into everybody's face, did he ever have to stop and get his face mask fixed? I don't know what he's talking about.

[Ace]

Are you going to indulge Mike August's cockamamie theory about the old face masks being the panacea head injuries in football?

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't know what he's talking about. And yes, it is freaking me out because I want to. Well, my kids won't play Pop Warner football.

[Ace]

Is that right? What a big statement that is out of you. Your life Was defined. Your young life was defined by football.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel I would like them to play, but my son's too big. He's a world class puss. I mean, he's not gonna go for that. He's not going to go for that. It's too uncomfortable. My kids, their pain tolerance level is almost nil. Like if it drops below 70 in the room or gets above 72 and a half, the fucking. The lights are on and they're complaining. Like they. You have to understand, football is a wildly uncomfortable sport to play. It sucks. Practice. There's nothing worse than football practice. I dreaded football practice. Baseball, fun.

[Ace]

Baseball practice is fun. Go out there and shag, fly.

[Dave Damaschek]

Baseball is a. Is a sport where in practice you get to practice playing the sport. You're hitting, you're taking BP batting practice, you're shagging balls, you're doing whatever. And there's the fuck around factor. I was a world champion at catching balls behind my back. That was my thing. I just sit out in center field. Every time a guy hit a fly, I'd go run it down and go catch it around my back. Just fucking around. That's all you did in baseball. And then eventually be your turn to hit. The only problem came is if you hit last in batting practice, because the first guy would be up there and he'd take like 400 pitches. And then if you went last, you take one swing and go, all right, let's run this next one out and then we're going to do right. So they never quite worked that ratio out, but football sucked. Football was hot. It was full of wind sprints. They didn't give you water back then. It was all drills. It was all drills. It was all, hit the sled, do another lap, blowing the whistles, down on your belly, up on your back. I mean, they just do those drills where like two guys would lay on the back and they'd put the. It was all Rudy shit. They put the two bags, you know, about five, six feet apart. And then two guys would lay on their back and they'd have the runner over there. And it's like when they blow the whistle, you got to get up and start hitting and then try to stuff the run. And everything was a headache, everything was tiring and it was fucking hot and the helmet hurt and the coaches were assholes. Like when you were running laps, you couldn't like undo your chin strap and run like chin straps on mouthpieces in. You're wearing your mouthpiece in the game, you wear them in the lap and then there's a lot of like. Like it was the fourth quarter for like eight quarters. Come on, people, it's the fourth quarter now. It's dig deep now. You've been fucking saying that for two hours, old man. When's this game going to end? And by the way, when was halftime? Because evidently I missed that. I don't remember any shade or any Gatorade. It's just been the fourth quarter the whole time. Yeah, yeah. You got an orange wedge and that's game day. Shit. All right, so it sucks and they beat the shit out of you. And the second had this happen. I mean. I mean, we had it happen. I remember when Jimmy's kid went out to play football and it was like, my wife is like, I wonder how he's gonna do it. Like, he's not gonna do that. It's like, well, how do you know? He has a soda fountain in his living room. He's not gonna do it. He has a big screen tv. He has video games. He has a computer. He's not gonna do it. He has central air. He's not gonna do it. We had none of the above. And that was the only option. And that's why it works. It's like, why aren't rich guys better boxers. They don't have to go down to the first off. They don't have some retired police sergeant come over and pull them off the mean streets of Beverly Hills and get them into a structured environment. And it's not like this guy's their surrogate father. They have dads. They make money. They go on vacation. They're not going to get punched for a living. They're not going to do it. And my kid's not going to play football because the second some fat guy in a windbreaker starts calling him a pansy and he's gonna go, fuck this. I'm going back to my Angry Birds and air conditioning.

[Pia Zadora]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's just a waste of his time.

[Ace]

Is that, though? Is that, though.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Ace]

So, as his father, though, you'd like him to play football, or do you prefer being affluent enough now that now you don't? He doesn't have to be subjected to such things because I wasn't allowed to play football. Mo Damaschek forbade it.

[Dave Damaschek]

She really?

[Ace]

Yeah, she said, no, I was a nurse at one point. You. Those kids. I said, I'm not going to get hurt. She said, do you think that's.

[Dave Damaschek]

Your mom was a nurse at one point? Yeah.

[Ace]

She said, you know, she said, yeah, there are a lot of kids that come into the emergency room. Do you think they decided to get hurt? You think they wanted that? It's a argument that I really didn't have much. My young mind couldn't really respond. So, yeah, she won that round.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I would like my kid to play because I do believe that it does. You know, I mean, if you really think about your life shaving a couple of years and shaving a couple of brain cells versus a little something called intestinal fortitude, which I know somehow you got. You got a little something called grit.

[Ace]

Even though that's the thing with me, that's why I didn't get drafted again, because that combine, that dang combine there, they have the IQ test, they have the foot speed drill.

[Dave Damaschek]

No gauge for grit, no grit, no. So I would. I would really be okay with my kid at age 49 or 51 going, fucking knee got fucked up. Playing high school ball. But the dude was tough. Like, the dude just had that fucking team sport mentality. There's an interesting. It's an. It's an interesting concept, the team sports mentality. And I think we've all dealt with non team players in. No one in here.

[Adam Carolla]

You're pointing at all of us.

[Dave Damaschek]

Seems like I'm pointing at all of you guys. But there are team players and then there's non team players. And I understood, as I thought about. Which is a weird concept, never touching the football. I blocked When I was 7, I blocked when I was 10, I blocked when I was in high school, I blocked.

[Ace]

I don't know how, as an adult, you can convince a group of. Yeah, a couple of you get to touch. The rest of you guys, just. Just go stand and lean on each other. That would be how you can convince somebody. Yeah, that'll be fun for you.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, it sucked. It sucked. You get. It's a shitty position. You don't do anything. You just bash into other people and then the other guys score touchdowns.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you try to convince yourself that there's something that you like about the position or you just suck it up?

[Dave Damaschek]

You enjoy the pride of the team.

[Ace]

Sport, your unit, your offensive line, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. It's what, you know, it's what military platoons have, you know, this feeling of we're all in it together and we're all going to help the next man. And there's this thing where you get used to working with people, essentially collaborating with people and going, all right, it's a screen or it's a Sweep. And I'm a guard and I'm going to pull and I'm going to be running out in front of this guy. And when the big guy goes to tackle him, I'm going to lay out and just put my body out there and try to take him out so that my guy can turn the corner and go another 10 yards. And it's good practice and I wish more people were subjected to that, but they're not. And there's a lot of me and that's why it's going to be hard to convince my kid to go out A, in the sun, get yelled at, B, C, doing not only in the sun but doing wind sprints and push ups. And then there's a better, better than likely, you know, chance that he's not going to be flanker but that he's going to be guard, tackle, maybe a tight end with 9 year olds that don't pass the ball, you know, you know what I'm saying? And just a waste of his time. Never questioned it for a second, always enjoyed it. And really one of the best experiences I ever had in my life involved a concussion which was. We were playing the North Valley Bears. They were the scary guys who wore the slippers to the game. Like they showed up in their slippers. They were, they were crazy band of like black dudes and Mexican dudes and they scared us. Oh, let me tell you, I've told you quietly, the slipper's the most dangerous piece of footwear out there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a menacing moccasin.

[Dave Damaschek]

It is. We talked about it. You see a guy in Birkenstocks, no problem. You see a guy in Uggs, no problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Crocs, none.

[Dave Damaschek]

Crocs zero cowboy boots. But you see that slipper, that gang banger slipper, That's a. Quietly and weirdly, the slipper is the scariest footwork where you can have.

[Ace]

It usually is accompanied by a tube sock or a black sock. Isn't it with the gold.

[Dave Damaschek]

Scary right? Now you see those shoes where it has a place for every toe. Don't worry about that homo. You'll be just fine. Don't worry.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll be trying to get in and out of his.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, you have no problem. We played the North Valley Bears. The North Valley Bears wore slippers to the game and we scared the hell out of all of us. We were undefeated when we played them toward the end of the season. We're both like 7 and oh, and they beat us like 21 to 7 or 21 to 6. But it was worse than that. Like, they beat us up. And in football, you can tell very quickly, sort of like boxing. Football is an interesting sport in that the first snap you go, oh, my God. Like when guys fire off the ball and they hit hard and they're really well coached and really well disciplined, you know, from the first snap you go, oh, shit. This could be a horrible day because these guys are super aggressive and super hard hitting and super well coached. And the North Valley Golden Bears had so many guys that they had an A team and a B team. So they had like, like 200 guys come out for the team. And the A team was scary. The B team, we beat. The A team beat the shit out of us. And then it came time to see them in the playoffs. And the winner of this game would go to basically the peewee super bowl. And we had not lost another game. And they had run the table at about 10 0. And it was some, like, rainy day, and we had to play on some girls soccer field or something at some back of some high school or something. I remember, and I remember everyone just going, this team scaring the shit out of us. We're just going to dig deep, we're going to dig it out. Everyone's going to play for everyone. Nobody's going to miss a tackle. Everyone's going to pick up their man, and we're all just going to do it. And we just beat them like 14 to 6 or something. And I got knocked out at some point in the game. I got a concussion, but it was just to grind it out, all playing together, play over our heads, everybody focused, and it was just like the greatest team effort ever. Then the Chatsworth Chiefs kicked the shit out of us the next week at College of the Canyons, and that was it. But that victory against the North Valley Bears, it stuck with me as a great team sort of bonding experience.

[Ace]

My new friend, my best friend Allison, whose podcast I just sat in on earlier today, we discussed this very thing, what's great about sports. And this is almost verbatim what we were talking about.

[Dave Damaschek]

My son will never experience that. And the reason he'll never experience it is because. Because it takes a whole bunch of sacrifice. Otherwise it doesn't feel good. It's like, you know, what good would it be being a Marine if you didn't go through basic training? Like when you're a Navy seal, when a guy says, I'm a Navy seal, you go, jesus Christ, man. Sleep deprivation, doing push ups with a mask full of seawater on the beach. Of Coronado, running with that log, killing.

[Adam Carolla]

A rabbit, if the recruit is to be believed.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Being dumped out in the ocean with like, you're thrown in a pool with your hands tied together, tied to your feet and know cinder block up your ass and get like. But what if anyone could get in? Anyone could be a Navy SEAL if your dad was or if you paid $200 or something. Then if you met a Navy SEAL.

[Adam Carolla]

You'D just be like, be like someone who has CPR certification.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Like yeah, big scuba, big whoop. Yeah, big whoop. So it's the pain that gets the respect and the higher the pain. So if a guy just says, guy says, yeah, I'm a merchant Marine. You go there you go. And if he goes, I'm a Marine, you go, hey man, that's some tough work there. And he goes, I'm a Navy Seal. You go, wow, that's a fucking bad motherfucker. Like that's, that's how it goes, right? Because of the pain and the sacrifice that led to that. Now my kid's gonna be sitting in an air conditioned box fucking the shit out of his avatar.

[Pia Zadora]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Dave Damaschek]

What happened? He got a concussion, his cock slipped out of his avatar and he hit his forehead on his iPad.

[Ace]

Boy, our generation really did get screwed by that. Sonny is gonna be around for that great day when that happened. But we got jobbed because it was promised us that, what was it called? Even virtual reality.

[Dave Damaschek]

Virtual reality? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like one promise.

[Ace]

You're not gonna watch TV anymore. You're gonna be too busy making sweet love to whatever supermodel strikes your fancy.

[Adam Carolla]

I never realized that was the hidden promise of all the virtual reality stuff behind something that doesn't exist.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, of course.

[Ace]

Yeah, that was what we heard that one. And then of course we were all supposed to be riding around on those things that you stand up on.

[Dave Damaschek]

Started with segues, started with fembots. And yeah, it's gonna be weird too that my son, maybe not that he's gonna be straight, but if he is, on the off chance that he's straight and gets married, will he get to have sex with his avatar, his fembot, whatever it is. Virtual reality, whatever. Like, like is that going to strain the relationship?

[Adam Carolla]

Is she sleeping with some kind of bot?

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, that's forbidden.

[Adam Carolla]

No, okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I'm trying to think. It'll be in your vows.

[Ace]

Yeah, it'll be in vows.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that would be acceptable in the same way that if you're in a committed Relationship. You're okay with the guy looking at porn. I feel like that's just sort of an offshoot of porn.

[Ace]

I don't know if you are.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're okay with it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's not in my face at all, actually. It's something we haven't talked about. I just trust that every dude looks at porn and I'm okay with it.

[Ace]

I mean, here's. Here's the difference. It's the same difference between saying it's a step worse too. It's one thing to say, you know, I'd like to take Jennifer Aniston between the sheets and. And your old lady going like, all right, she's on your list. She's. You're five. Because. Because it's always play the game and say, like, who's on your five? Who are the five women you're allowed to be with? Name her best friend and then see what she says about that. You know, I like to fantasize about old Wendy there, you know, Wendy next door. What about that? You know, that wouldn't go over as well.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Same thing.

[Ace]

If the avatar is Wendy next door, I bet that won't go over as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Dave Damaschek]

I have Jennifer Aniston and I have all the usual suspects, but I also have one space open for someone I call Jane Doe. Chick I meet on the road. You know what I mean?

[Ace]

Yes, very clever.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's like the seat you guys leave for Elijah. Except for my cock. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I have Elijah on my list.

[Ace]

Speaking of religion. And I do love that tradition of my people of adults often getting up at the middle of a dinner and opening a door for Elijah the ghost to come in and join us.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's just makes good sense, you know.

[Ace]

The Saints are actually doing that as well. The Saints are leaving a seat open. Segue for Sean Payton, who is not dead, or he's just suspended for a year, but they're leaving a seat open for him.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was laughing about that on a sports radio show this morning, saying, well, that seat's left there for Elijah. And boy, wouldn't that go over huge in the Saints locker room. Imagine all those guys, especially in Louisiana, all the huge men of color just laughing.

[Ace]

Well, Marcus Colston and Pierre Thomas will think that's a gag.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, you are so witty, Ace man.

[Ace]

But speaking of religion, Tim Tebow is, you know, he's with the Jet Repolitans now. And exciting news, he's going to be baptizing Bart Scott, their big foul mouthed Linebacker, you know.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, really?

[Ace]

You know, I'm talking about. He's a tough guy, but now he's gonna get baptized by Tim Tebow. Boy, please, hbo, please get this ship of fools on Hard Knocks asap.

[Dave Damaschek]

Please.

[Ace]

Is there a team that you think of that would be better than that ridiculous crew? Fat man as their coach? Tim Tebow, the Absurd and the rest of them.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, Cromartie listing off his baker's dozen of two year olds. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be awesome. Yeah, you got to do Hard Knocks. What's up with that?

[Adam Carolla]

And look, they charted down, didn't they? They were. It was offered to them.

[Ace]

I feel like. I think if I heard that the jets are. Have decided they don't want to do it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, here's the thing. Then do it with a peewee football team. I need a fix. Take any Hard knocks. Pick a junior college team. I'll watch. I really will. I mean, you pick. It doesn't. Pick an arena team. It doesn't matter to me. Just get those cameras in there and start rolling.

[Ace]

It's just nothing more awesome. The best thing is, and it's, you know, Antonio Cromartie aside, listing literally, I think four or five two year olds that he has by different baby mamas is funny. But those individual things aside, there's nothing better than the process of the drama of, of a guy getting his dreams dashed when the hatchet man comes in.

[Dave Damaschek]

And when the Turk comes down the hall.

[Ace]

Bring your playbook. Coach needs to see it. It's just. Oh, it's horrible.

[Dave Damaschek]

Let me tell you something. Here's my only thing with the Turk. My Turk argument would be that when he comes down the hall and does it. Yeah, man, we need your playbook now. Why do you got to come at 5:45 in the fucking.

[Ace]

That was what the Cincinnati Bengals did. Think she's like, no wonder you stink because look how you run your organization.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm from the team. How about you let me sleep, ass wipe? I figured you'd have some breakfast.

[Ace]

I figured you'd rather get the news.

[Dave Damaschek]

No.

[Pia Zadora]

Why.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why would I want that?

[Ace]

Let me get some sausage in there.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're gonna get cut while I have a boner. It's gonna seem like I like being cut or what?

[Adam Carolla]

If ever after then you do like being cut.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, interesting.

[Ace]

Or how long could you delay being cut by saying, I don't know what happened to my playbook? I gotta look for it.

[Dave Damaschek]

You could maybe like get your playbook.

[Ace]

Like a week, two maybe. Maybe it could be October by the time it turn. Meantime, you've earned a starting position at right corner.

[Dave Damaschek]

Here's why I'd make a horrible head coach, because I'd like be to the. I'd say the Turk. Look, we're gonna have to cut Willis and Johnson. He'd be like, okay, you want me to bring him. No, no, no, don't bring them back here. Just go cut them. Yeah, that's the playbook. Look at the idea. Why fucking sit through this humiliation with them sitting, you know? Well, there's bullshit, by the way, where I go, listen, we really liked a lot of things you did. Okay.

[Ace]

Pretty anticlimactic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ace]

I got the news 10 minutes ago when they said that when the Turk knocked on my door and told me to bring my playbook, I know the score.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right? Right.

[Bald Brian]

And I say, well help you get on another team if there's interest. It's like, oh, yeah, we'll take that guy's garbage.

[Ace]

That's the same as Andy Reid, the Philadelphia Eagles head coach, saying, yeah, I recommend Donovan McNabb to anybody, anybody who's looking for a quarterback. Hey, Andy Reid. As far as I can tell, just about every NFL team carries 3 QB. You could throw him at the on your roster. If you believe in him so much, go ahead and add him to your team.

[Dave Damaschek]

I like Andy Reid because he wears the outfit that fat snowmobilers wear. Like, it's like. It's a weird jumpsuit. He wears a weird all weather pants parka built into one another. It's just a cool outfit. All right. Where the hell did the time go? Do we have an outfit?

[Ace]

Oh, wait, I got one more thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

One more thing.

[Ace]

I got one more thing for you. And first of all, since I'm an NFL employee, I feel blind obliged to say I think that they're gonna solve this concussion thing. It's repeat. It's getting a concussion when you already have one.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Ace]

It's taking the guy out when he has a concussion and letting him heal and then letting him play. I feel like I should say they.

[Dave Damaschek]

Have done nothing about this. We always say that. They used to. There's him in his weird jumpsuit.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a puffy onesie.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. With a crazy utility belt that hangs around it.

[David Wild]

All right.

[Dave Damaschek]

They just laugh and say the guy got his bell rung and put him right back in there. And now they're not. And they're going to have doctors that aren't paid by the team, I believe that are there to decide whether these guys can Play or not. And they're going to err on the side of caution. And it's going to help a lot. Yes.

[Ace]

All right, one more. Can I do one more thing? Just since we're playing the oldies. Bald Brian, if you please.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, a song, perhaps.

[Ace]

Oh, wait, I need it again. I wasn't ready for it. That's why that was. It's two, remember? Or maybe I'm out of practice with it. Crepe crepe. Creep of the week. Of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. That's right.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right.

[Ace]

There's someone I felt obliged to address after Mother's Day on Sunday. I woke up and I opened up my Twitter. And I mean, two thirds of the messages on there were things along the lines of, hey, happy Mother's Day to the best mom in the world. I love you, Ma. That kind of stuff. And you think, oh, that's on face. That's nice. You know, I guess. And then I thought about it for a second. I thought, wait a second. Mo Damaschek's not on Twitter, right? Is Mama Carolla on Twitter? No one's mother's on Twitter.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right?

[Ace]

You're not sending her a personal message to thank her for being a great mom. You're showing the world what a terrific kid you are, how adorable, what a sweetheart I am. See everybody, Everybody reading this. Look how I take the time to honor someone else who's special in my life. They're not seeing the men message, so stop wasting my time with your personalized greetings on Twitter to your loved ones. Same thing with the people who do who eulogize people on Facebook.

[Dave Damaschek]

Someone died.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're right.

[Ace]

This is how you do it in the 21st century. You're right. I'm Ms. So and so.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right?

[Ace]

RIP. And I've railed against RIP before too. Because in a world now consumed by LOL and IDK and everything else, the pioneer of this night, nonsense, of this abbreviated nonsense, was that lazy a tombstone maker who in the. In the 19th century was thinking like, ah, well, that guy's got. That dead guy's got a long name I gotta etch in there. And it's Friday and it's 4:45. I wanna. I wanna get out to the happy hour. Rest in peace.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, everybody knows.

[Ace]

All right.

[Dave Damaschek]

He was the tombstone chisel with Epstein Barr. Yes.

[Ace]

So. So these Twitter people honoring their parents and these RIP LOL people out there on Facebook, congratulations. I've got a message for you. You're the creep of the week. Thank you.

[Dave Damaschek]

I do every once in a while, either someone brings it up or I have the thought of, huh, I wonder if my mom and dad. I wonder if they email. I wonder if I could get them up on. And then I always, I do this, this thing where I have a scale in my head and on the right side there's like a kernel. There's just like one grain of sand in the good department and then there's a huge dump truck backing up.

[Adam Carolla]

I got my dad on Twitter bad.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sand on the other side and realized, no, no, no, this, this is. I could use it once a year when I'm trying to get out of a dinner. And I don't feel like calling someone and dealing with the confrontation and the nauseating tone and stuff. But God knows the shit that would come in interaction.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, hello.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, bullet dodged. None of the Corollas do any emailing.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't break this down.

[Dave Damaschek]

No twittering, no emailing. No one knows what the fuck anyone else is doing. And that's the way they like it. Yeah, yeah.

[Ace]

There is a freedom with that, that it is a medium that you can probably assume. Oh, like your parents are like a different language.

[Dave Damaschek]

I think, I think our buddy Hench kicked this door open with his dad and now gets these long winded manifestos about the socks loss. You know, crucial game 32, stuff like that. You just old people who can type plenty of time.

[Adam Carolla]

Also they're gonna have a lot of questions and they're gonna turn to the person who opened the door for them.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right? That's right. Do not get your. Did your parents do the emailing and all that email?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, but not with. But I do get the non punctuation from dad, but no, not with the Twitter. No, I've banned them from Facebook.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, good. I love that. All right, Dave Damaschek, by the way, can be found at Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, @Damoshek, everybody. Also website davedamichek.NFL.com Do I got a GoToMeeting? Oh, GoToMeeting. Check. Forget about what I said about the computer. You got to get your parents on this gotomeeting thing with HD faces. You could see Mo Damaschek face to.

[Ace]

Face Mo right now and tell her about it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Go to meeting brought to you by Citrix. It gets the whole team together face to face. That's right. Be a team player. Remember what we talked about. GoToMeeting. Use the app, everybody. And you can use the built in camera on your iPad. Try GoToMeeting. Free, free. 45 days free. Are you butt dialing? He fell down the stool. 45. 45 days free. Only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the tried free button and enter the promo code Adam. An evening with me and Dennis Prager in San Diego. Available now through our store or iTunes only. $4.99 and over 90 minutes of thought provoking hilarity. Also, the combo pack, that's the album. That's both the engagements I did. That's got to be about four hours plus worth of crap there. Number one on the spoken word on itunes. So you can check that out if you like. Penn Sunday school. New episode this Sunday. Click to our site and go to itunes and intel next time. This is Adam Carolla for Dave Damaschek, Alison Rosen, and ball Brian Sand. Mahalo. Got to give it up for Jesus Christ.

[Bald Brian]

All right, this is Adam Carlo, show 827.

[Dave Damaschek]

Coming up next, we have Adam Kollo, show 838. Pia Zadora, Brad Paisley, David Wilde, Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop.

[David Wild]

Also from 2012.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good day, David Wilde.

[David Wild]

God bless you, Adam Corolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good day, Allison Rose.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

And bald Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

With so many Latin cocks around, feathers are bound to fly.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, Did a little racing and did a show this weekend up in wine country. First though, before I forget, there's a kind of crazy woman who lives in my neighborhood, but not that, not sort of deep in my neighborhood. Like, it's a little drive and she likes to wander around a little bit. And then she kind of bums rides back to her place.

[Adam Carolla]

Charming.

[David Wild]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

She's a delight. You can just close your eyes and smell her and enjoy that autumn breeze. And I. One day I picked her up and I'm throwing this out there because I want people's input on this. I picked her up because she was sort of like, like around the neighborhood and looked like she needed. Looked a little confused. And I gave her a ride back to her house and she was badmouthing me, like, for most of the ride.

[Adam Carolla]

She was bitchy the way you were driving or just, just like, there's a.

[Dave Damaschek]

Lot of, like, you know, people do little annoying idiosyncratic things, especially when they're nuts. But I mean, there's a lot of, you know, there's versions of, you know, can we get a picture? My husband's a big fan. I don't much care for your work, but, you know, there's that kind of version. And then, and there's just where I Don't know. She just kept going. I don't remember what it was. And by the way, I don't get specific. I just have. I remember liking you. I remember not liking you. That's my two categories. There's not a lot of gray area. And so she was bitchy. And I drove her back to her house. And I remember at a certain point, she was kind of bitching me out a little bit or being, you know, like, I don't know, give me a lecture about picking up strangers or something. Something insane and ironic. And I dropped her off and I thought, you know, well, your cunt shan't see my passenger seat again. Very elegantly said, a good day to your cunt. I say, a good day. And she got out of the car. And that was a couple of years ago. And then this evening, when we were getting ready to eat dinner, Lynette said, you know, the old crazy lady's down the street, and she looks like she's wandering around, and maybe I should get out there and give her a ride. I said, fuck her. And she said, why? And I said, because she was a bitch last time I drove her. And she said, well, she's crazy. She's supposed to be a bitch. And I thought, I don't know about that. Like, you know, there's drunk people who are cool when they're drunk, and then there's drunk people that are like, fuck you. You want to fucking scrap? Like, there's asshole drunks, and those are sort of. There's assholes inside them. And then the booze is the keys to the. To the fort that they're being hidden in. You know, they're being. They're high atop Asshole Hill bunker and dug deep into Asshole Bunker. That's right. Very deep in the asshole fucking name for a gay bar. Asshole Bunker. And, you know, 12.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna die in there.

[Dave Damaschek]

12 pack of Mickey's. It's just a combination to let them out of Asshole Bunker. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. It's two for one night.

[David Wild]

Tuesday night, the Pet Shop Boys are starting a reunion tour.

[Dave Damaschek]

Asshole Bunker. So the question is this. I said, well, maybe it's the same with crazy people. Like, there's crazy. I think I'm Napoleon, and then there's crazy. Fuck you. I'm gonna critique you the whole time you're driving me home. Maybe they're just mean crazy. Like, they're mean drunk. Like, either way, you're altered. And then this is kind of the real you getting out. And I know Dr. Drew and people with degrees Would refute this. But I said, look, if you're gonna be bitchy. Look, if you're gonna be crazy, like, hey, I'm gonna walk around in my underpants, or I'm gonna talk about, you know, Jed Clampett was a real guy, and I knew him well. Like, there's that kind of crazy. I'm fine with that kind of crazy. And then there's critique you crazy, and be a bitch crazy, and that kind of crazy. Well, that keeps you at the bottom of the fucking hill without getting a ride.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems like when the mind degrades, it goes in this sort of crass, unpleasant, hostile fashion. Like, when people have Tourette's, usually they're not walking around going like, rainbows. Rainbow. You know, or like kittens. It'd be cool if they were. But I like your theory. There's gotta be people out there who. The crazier they get, the nicer and friendlier they get.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. And easier to fuck, I think. I think I'm wondering, though, like, just, like, the booze can unlock the inner asshole, can the crazy unlock the inner asshole?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I think that's what it does.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. So my feeling was, fuck her. And then Lynette was like, yeah, but she's crazy. And I'm like. Like, yeah, crazy like a bitch. Leave her on the hill.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, probably before she was crazy, she was a bitch as well.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's my point. I don't think she was the world's sweetest, nicest person. Then she got crazy, and she got ornery and super critiquey.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's actually a really good question. Are there any people out there who are crazy who used to be wonderful people?

[David Wild]

Can I ask a question? From a male point of view? The most interesting thing about this proverbial woman to me would be, was she ever hot?

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm.

[David Wild]

Do you. Was this crazy person ever an attractive crazy person?

[Dave Damaschek]

I did not go through her yearbook with her. I barely slowed down when I opened the door, she did herself.

[Adam Carolla]

A Unabomber, is any indication.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Dave Damaschek]

Young Unabomber had some good years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I would have gone out with him now. Super attractive back then. No, I'm not. I'm not into the whole cabin survivalist thing he has going on now, but back in the day, very, very attractive.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. And. And also, well, anybody. Well, all you have to do at a certain point, like, there's just. There's really a certain point in your career where all you have to be is not fat and not old. If you can pull those two things off. You'll be at least a six and a half. Like, there was usually some window in every gent and every lady's career where they were. Well, we know there's a window where they weren't old, right? It's called their late teens.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why being fat and young is so sad.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know.

[Bald Brian]

Adam, what if you have progeria? Then you're always.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yes, you're right.

[Bald Brian]

Think about that.

[Dave Damaschek]

Being fat and young, it's like putting. Like putting giblets on a beautiful Sunday. Like, it's. It's really. You fucked up your one. Like this one thing. It's almost impossible to fuck it up. And now you fuck up it up with giblets.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why it's weird when you see these women who are in their 40s, who are like in the best shape of their lives, but they have these kind of oldish looking faces. It's like you think they probably finally attained the bodies they want. It's too late, 50s.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's a. There's a lot. You know what that is, too? That's a lot of grunting at the gym. You know, I mean, that's a lot of them. That's them squatting and doing Kegel exercises. And their face also. It's like a lot of sun and tension and pushing and all that kind of stuff. But you would assume that most women, no matter where you see them in their. In whatever phase, their advanced ages, they're crazy. You know, the crazy years and everything. At some point, they had to be 19. Like, we can check half the young and fat box by going, you had. You can't skip from 16 to 52. At some point you got to squeeze in a good few years. That. And then all you have to do is not be fat in those years. And you're almost automatically.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't they teach you at six.

[Dave Damaschek]

And a half, you gotta be really. You gotta work pretty fucking hard to get lower than a five. If you're not gonna be fat and you're not gonna be old, there's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuckability quotient or a prime that every woman, even the craziest, bitchiest woman at one point was. Was.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, no. If Matt gets my wallet, there's a laminate in there next to the. How much. It's on the back of the how much to tip laminate. Oh, yeah, but I'm old school. I just bring it. I pull out the card, which.

[Adam Carolla]

Good, because. Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right. Oh, Brad Paisley's on the phone. Jesus Christ.

[David Wild]

Is that True.

[Dave Damaschek]

I gotta look around. Yeah. Are you surprised? Brad? Sorry for waxing on.

[Brad Paisley]

I have no idea what I. I.

[Dave Damaschek]

Didn'T know what I just said. That's the beauty of me. We just keep moving. Diary of a Player, by the way, Brad Paisley, David Wilde, out in paperback as we speak today. Tomorrow, tomorrow, New York Times bestseller. Brad. Where are you calling from? Brad?

[Brad Paisley]

Tennessee, where I live.

[Dave Damaschek]

That makes sense to me.

[Brad Paisley]

It might.

[Dave Damaschek]

How was it working with David? Because I find it difficult.

[Brad Paisley]

I luckily mostly it was correspondence.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yeah. Good.

[Brad Paisley]

And working with now it's fantastic. I've worked with David a bunch over the years on shows and then more intensely the last four years he writes the CMA Awards, so I'm in his hands.

[David Wild]

Brad, I don't know if you've seen it, but Brad co hosted with Carrie under whatever year. It's to me the best show, one of the best shows of the year. And he and Carrie have become like this unlikely great team, great chemistry.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, especially, pardon the pun, but you know, sorry, but musicians, country musicians, it's sort of like, you know, it's sort of like athletes or NASCAR drivers, when you ask them to carry the load, read the teleprompter, tell the jokes. The bar is not set too high. When a guy hosts a late night show, you expect something out of him. But the country singers and the NASCAR drivers and the athletes, you don't expect that much. But you got put on a nice show.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Arsenio Hall]

We try.

[Brad Paisley]

You know, I. I'm with you. It's like, I'm a huge NASCAR fan. I don't miss it. I have a lot of friends there. And the commercials are terrible, but they're. They're almost worth watching for. It's like watching a Christopher Guest movie. Every time they cut the commercial and some driver is like, they've got this driver wearing, you know, like an apron and baking cookies.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, they're horrible. But I always get to here, you know, I have a theory and I have this theory about athletes and why they make bad commercials too. Like, hi, I'm Shaq for Buick, you know, and they're always bad and they're always sort of. They're sort of monotone and they're not very good. I have this feeling that Shaq does like two and a half takes and then go, that was the best one ever. And then he leaves and no one's got the balls to go, hey, that kind of sucks. Sucked. Like, let's do it again. I get the feeling they don't like telling rich guys it's hard to tell. Rich guys.

[Bald Brian]

Rich 7 foot 1, 300 pound guys.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell. Like Michael Strahan. I don't think that was your best. Like I want you to do it again.

[Brad Paisley]

Well, you know, as well as I also think that when it comes to stuff like sports or even music to that degree, what they do has no, there's no bearing on how good their commercial is, is in the sense that it can help your career as a celebrity. But as a sports figure, you know, Shaq could knock one out of the park and it's not going to matter in terms of what his next deal is going to look like when they re sign him. You know what I mean?

[Dave Damaschek]

So. And by the way, I don't think he's getting resigned because Shaq probably can barely walk at this point, but Buick will take him. Hey Brad, what's the schedule for you? How many months out of the year do you tour?

[Brad Paisley]

We tour probably seven months, eight, maybe eight months out of the year. Country music is. But when you say that it's not like pop where or any format of music really, where you're based in New York or LA and you kind of just take off and you're gone for months. We, we are in Nashville, which is an overnight drive to most of the population on the east coast coast. And we go away basically three days of the week during touring season. And I'm. I'm home by Sunday.

[David Wild]

Like weren't you last night didn't play Boston or something? Big arena, big. Where'd you play last night?

[Brad Paisley]

Yeah, Boston. We were in Boston last night.

[Dave Damaschek]

Who? Brad? Quietly. Not quietly, but I mean.

[Brad Paisley]

Yeah, quietly on the radio.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't mean quietly, but what I mean is the. Who are the bigger country cities that we wouldn't think that would be bigger country cities. Like I wouldn't think of Boston as a country music.

[Brad Paisley]

A major, major market for me.

[Dave Damaschek]

And does that go for other country artists as well?

[Brad Paisley]

I think so, yeah. I think it is. It's a working class town, you know, you'd be surprised. It's like I think about the places that I always am floored. Atlanta, which that's in the south, but Atlanta's kind of surprising. Think it's so big.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. This is no fun. Who sucks? Seattle?

[Brad Paisley]

No, Seattle's great.

[Arsenio Hall]

That's great.

[Brad Paisley]

You know who it. I'll go ahead and save. One of the worst markets for me of the last couple of years was like in Oregon. One place in Oregon.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't Even want to say the city.

[Brad Paisley]

But for some reason you can go like a hundred miles away and do great.

[Dave Damaschek]

Fucking communists, rain and their coffee sitting around like the shit doesn't stink over there.

[David Wild]

But even la, like la.

[Brad Paisley]

And another like surprising place is la. We just destroy it in la.

[David Wild]

Yeah, I saw you at the Staples Center, Brian. Where did you see Brad at?

[Bald Brian]

I saw Brad four years ago at Irvine, the Verizon Wireless in Irvine. And his opening act was Julianne Hough.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[David Wild]

Now we're talking about Adam's old dance partner, Brad. I don't know if you know that, from Dancing with the Stars.

[Arsenio Hall]

What'd you say?

[David Wild]

Julianne Hough is Adam's old dance partner from Dancing with the Stars.

[Brad Paisley]

Oh, really? Yeah, that's right. It didn't help, did it?

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm sure she spoke of me quite often.

[Brad Paisley]

I don't remember.

[Ace]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

That Adam.

[Ace]

What?

[Dave Damaschek]

She must have just been thinking about me the whole time, lost in thought. Yeah, she's having quite a career.

[Brad Paisley]

Yeah, she's doing great. It's really been fun to watch her.

[Dave Damaschek]

Go on and do that. Yeah, I got screwed because she never called me once after we broke up. Up from Dancing with the Stars. But somebody jacked into her phone. Sounds better than it is. Somebody pirated her phone and got hacked into it and got all the phone numbers and started calling all the people whose names they recognized. And my wife started getting calls at 4 in the morning from the east coast when I was out of town. And we had to change our phone number. So it's like it's the worst of all worlds. Which is no call from the hot blonde, but a bunch of calls from jack offs from New Jersey that your wife's receiving three years later that my wife. That has to come in while I'm at it, while I'm gone. So good times. Yeah. So she opened for you when you were last. Well, not the last time, but four years ago when you were out here. Diary of a Player is the name of the book. It is out, I'm just gonna say as we speak, and if you can't get it today, you can get it tomorrow. New York Times bestseller. Brad, next time you're in la, come hang out in person and see us.

[Brad Paisley]

I really want to do that. You know, I'm a major car guy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, you are? Well, good. We got cars.

[Brad Paisley]

I gotta show you the new tour bus, which I. We got a new tour bus this year and I had it. It's got Corvette Coves on the side from like 1960. And then the interior. The entire interior of the bus is done like a garage with checkerboard floor and red work cabinets. The seats are upholstered. Corvette seats from the 50s.

[Dave Damaschek]

I love it. You'll flip. You won't believe it again. That's why the terrorists hate us. Definitely not a Jew. It is.

[Brad Paisley]

You're right.

[Dave Damaschek]

And all that around with buses. Perfectly good buses. Thanks, Brad. Appreciate it.

[Brad Paisley]

Great talking to you.

[Arsenio Hall]

Thanks.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oops. Hit the thing right when he said thanks. David Wild seems like a nice guy.

[David Wild]

Great guy. Great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And his wife is Kimberly Wilson Williams Paisley of Father of the Bride fame.

[David Wild]

He literally married. That's. It's a story in the book. He tells that he was. He had met a girl, his high school. No. Yes. High school girlfriend, who sort of into college years, and they broke up. And the first date had been Father of the Bride. And he thought they would. When the sequel came out, they had broken up. And he somehow imagined that she would turn up at the theater the day it opened and they would be reunited. And of course, he sat through two screenings and she didn't. Never came. And he sat there in the theater, like, weeping, and decided, I'm gonna have. I'm not gonna marry that girl. I'm gonna marry the girl in the movie. And he did. He literally married, you know, the bride.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I love her. I think I did a pilot with her sister. I gotta work that out.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that she has a sister who's an actress as well.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, I get confused with all the pilots. I try not to get too much.

[Bald Brian]

And Ashley Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And. And I think. I didn't want to bring this up, because I'm not sure, but a friend of mine went to William Shatner's house for some big party, and I think the two of them were there.

[David Wild]

Yeah, he's very good friends with Shatner.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right. So I went out and did a little car racing and comedy over the weekend. And it was at a place called Sonoma, Sears Point, place called Infineon Raceway. Wildly complicated. Got no practice time. I fucked everything up. The guy in the pit next to me rolled his car. It's a bad sign. See?

[Bald Brian]

Could have been worse.

[Dave Damaschek]

And then on our qualifying session, some guy In a Alpha GTA just hit some tire barrier at like 100 miles an hour and just totaled his car. So that was bad. So everything got cut short. I got no practice time and I got. I didn't know the track. It was embarrassing, potentially, because if you don't know the track you don't really know where to go and you certainly can't drive very well at all.

[David Wild]

Excuse my ignorance, that means all tracks are not exactly the same layout. I didn't even know that much.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. And this one is highly complicated. It's challenging, but too much.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you don't know it, you just don't make good time or you go careening into a wall.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, what happened me is they have a practice session on Thursday which I did not go to. Then they have a practice session Friday morning which I did not go to. Then they had a practice session Friday afternoon which was grouped together with my run group, group 11 and group 5, which I was not aware of. And the guy I was working with wasn't aware of it either. And so by the time I jumped in the car, we only got about four or five laps in. So I really had no practice time, I had no confidence, I felt nothing for this track. I was angry and confused and ashamed. And the car they wouldn't let us run. These newfangled tires I had, I had to run these five year old tires that weren't so good. And it was the first time I was in the car and I was driving a BRE 510 and it was a kind of an expensive historic car and I didn't want to crunch it. And there's a picture of the car, by the way. And it was just things were not going well and then I did my afternoon. So I'd rationalize that Saturday's qualifying and Saturday is about 14, 15 laps of qualifying and I will start slow. I'm a quick study. I'll get the car up to temperature, meaning I'll get the car, I'll get the car at the temperature. It'll get the tires up to temperature because they don't get sticky until they get hot. And then somewhere around lap six or seven, I'll start pushing it and then by the time I get to, I'll turn my best lap time on like lap 10 and I'll have a decent qualifying time.

[Adam Carolla]

At least. You had a plan.

[Dave Damaschek]

I had a plan. And in lap two, the guy in the Alfa Romeo stuffed it into the wall and they shut down the whole track and they had to get the ambulance and the whole thing. Oh geez. That's a picture of the guys. Alpha, such a great crew. I love car guys because I got back to the thing and I was like, what happened out there, guy? Beautiful GTA stuffed it into the tires and I'm like, how's the guy. Ugh. Cars totaled. How's the guy? Saw an ambulance out there. He stuffed it in. The whole front end's taken out. I know. I saw an ambulance come out in the train. The guy, I don't know. The car's totaled. Like they're talking about the fucking car. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So can they salvage the guy?

[Dave Damaschek]

He seemed to be all right, but they still. I saw they red flagged the session and there was a ambulance came out on the track. So then that's everyone. That's a picture. You can go to AdamCoroll.com if you want to see pictures. That's everyone stopped with the tow truck, out on the thing, dragging the track, blah, blah, blah. So we got no practice. So my plan of practice was out the window. Window then. And qualifying was out the window then. They fucked with me that much more. They said, now we do shows at eight o' clock every time. Eight o'. Clock. But for some reason at Napa we had a seven. They slated for seven o'.

[David Wild]

Clock.

[Dave Damaschek]

So the race official guy said, look, you guys got no qualifying time. And I'll tell you what, when everyone is done with the day, you guys group 11, you can go back out there and qualify and get your practice and get your qualifying and we'll give you 10 or 12 laps. That'll be 5 o'cl this afternoon. And I was like, shit, I'll never make it back to the hotel and change and shower and get to the show if I'm in the car, which is in Sonoma. So now everyone else gets their qualifying in and I get nothing. So that's fine. I'll start in the back of the pack. And that's essentially what happened. So then we're starting this race with a bunch of dudes that not only some of them run it every year, but others at least had 50 or 60 laps in them. And I had like five real slow laps where I was just waving guys past. Trust me. And really what you don't want to do is fuck other people up. I think we got a couple minutes of it if you want to. If you want to see what it looks like. And then you can go to AdamCarolla.com and look at it if you want. That's a guy in a Porsche who's in front of me. So you see, if you don't really know the track that well, this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like pole position.

[Bald Brian]

It's a good pod.

[David Wild]

Yeah, it's like a really, really weak Steve McQueen movie.

[Pia Zadora]

Take it back.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's great.

[Bald Brian]

Pod.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, you gotta watch. You gotta go to AdamCarolla.com. you'll probably get to hear me miss a shift or two in here. Let's see if I. Now, my plan is to catch up to these guys in these Porsches. You can see it's beautiful day, right? It is really pretty. Oh, boy. Can I ask you a.

[David Wild]

This is a music nerd question. Do you listen to music when you're doing this?

[Dave Damaschek]

No.

[David Wild]

Are you focused?

[Dave Damaschek]

You should. And it'd be cool to do it. I'm trying, but it's so fucking loud inside the car. I don't really don't know if you do it. And I think they would take it away from you. Like, I think if they saw you with something, there's. There's nothing in your car. It'd be sliding around. I think it would be a rule violation. Like. Like, I don't know, like being on the pitcher's mound with earbuds in or something. I think someone would tell you to take it, take it away. I'll tell you, things look pretty slow right here, but I think it's gonna pick up.

[David Wild]

I know when they're killing terrorists now, they listen to Metallica. They have music at all times in the killing process.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, really?

[David Wild]

To help. You know.

[Dave Damaschek]

I've oftentimes. I've oftentimes thought of it and thought, oh, I think I'm gonna pass this guy. Now I'm really getting interested. I've oftentimes thought of it and thought if. If I had it, it would be better. I'd be more inspired. But I'd probably hit something because I'd probably get. I'd probably get too fired up. Like, I'd play like, you know, the Survivor Rocky theme, the Eye of the Tiger theme, and I'd probably just get all wish whipped up and just mash into somebody. We're having a ball out here. All right, you get the. You get the idea. Beautiful, beautiful day. And Sonoma race ended up going pretty good. And a passing a few guys, and I hate to tell you, but that's not very exciting. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

What.

[Dave Damaschek]

Who, who did Huell say that we.

[Bald Brian]

Unearthed the one clip of Huell not finding something. Something exciting.

[Dave Damaschek]

What was it like a dinosaur reanimated.

[Bald Brian]

What I remember was that there was something exciting that happened next that wasn't very exciting. But Huell was delighted at what happened next. It was like someone put a piece of red in an oven. He's like, I'm not very exciting. They pulled it out. It was brown.

[Ace]

He's like, wow.

[David Wild]

Do you think that Yule is now like a William Shatner? Got that? There was a joke about his music in Playtime.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I wonder that as well.

[Dave Damaschek]

Playing to the Persona. Yeah. I would say no because he's been doing it so long without ridicule and without much change.

[Ace]

I don't know how we're gonna do this.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he had a 25 year run of no change. It wasn't like that kid who comes in and recognizes that people see he's telling a joke or being funny, then you can see him acting differently. The following Thanksgiving or whatever it is, is Huell never had that moment. And to the best of my knowledge, I'm the only one who ever talks about him. I just enlisted Dana Gould and got him into the fray.

[David Wild]

But you're sort of the Simon and Garfunkel of Yule.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. That's right. Speaking of cars, by the way, Go daddy. That's right. How about that website Go Daddy. You want a website? Go Daddy. Mm. People make websites for their dogs, their kids. Oh, kids these days. I gotta go to my kids cupcake. Their birthday parties.

[Bald Brian]

You get to go to their cupcake birthday party.

[Dave Damaschek]

At school. At school everything takes place.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that a business?

[Dave Damaschek]

Parties, working hours? Yeah. They're getting cupcakes. Yeah. Business parties. Yeah. GoDaddy.com. they can help you make a website. They can make it happen. Domains, hosting, they do it all new customers can get 20, 25% off. Just enter the code. Adam 25. You want 25% off. Adam 25. The web is your playground. Get online, get a site, get up and running. Tweet us, by the way. Tweet us at the acegodaddy. That is acegodaddy. Maybe I'll mention you on the show. There is no end to the information that you have provided us today. David Wilde, do you have a song? Did we talk about that?

[David Wild]

I have. Well, you know, I thought we would be doing this before but just so people know who we're talking about. I picked this, you know, because I like guitar. I'm a real guitar fan. I think you like a good rocking guitar. This is a track called Cluster Pluck. Have to be careful. Actually on this show it could be called Clusterfuck. On this show, right? It's Cluster Pluck. It's a Grammy award winning track. Track that from Brad who? Brad Paisley who called in. This is him with a bunch of the guys in country who can really play. Vince Gill who's like people know him as a Singer, but he's amazing. Guitar player Albert Lee and a few other of his friends, and they won a Grammy for Best country instrumental, I think a few years back. But this is actually. This track is one of the things that inspired the book because Brad and I tweet each other. He's rad Paisley. And he. Someone who followed us said, you two should write a book. Which is the Twitter equivalent of you two should get a room. And I actually. It's the only time I've ever. The tweet actually was like, hey, that's a good idea. But he's a little too young. He's, you know, he's in his 30s. A little young for the whole autobiography. So I said, let's do a book about you as a player. Like how it's like Zen and the art of guitar. Like how you found yourself through guitar. It ended up going much deeper than that. And I'm really, really proud of the book, which is nothing, you know. I'm proud of your books too, but I didn't write them. I'm very proud of this book.

[Adam Carolla]

You're so generous.

[David Wild]

I am so proud of not Taco Bell material. I think it's some of my best work that I didn't do.

[Dave Damaschek]

By the way, I gave David a ride home last time he was in studio and his boys came running out and gave him a nice big hug.

[David Wild]

They would never have done that if you weren't driving me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Are you sure?

[David Wild]

They would greet me at the door with a certain grudging love, but they ran out because they happen to worship. I live in a home of people who work. Everyone likes you in my home more than I do. And I'm very fond of you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sure, sure. No, I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

He's doing it. You're being the crazy lady.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. By the way, guess who literally is not going to get a ride home tonight?

[Adam Carolla]

One David Wild.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. So this is Brad playing at some point.

[David Wild]

This is Brad. And yeah. And he started, starts it off. And Vince Gill and Al. If you listen, they keep going. They're un. It's like the most exciting guitar players I've ever seen were Jeff Beck. I don't know if you love Jeff Beck, but viscerally, like, I saw a show once in England with Clapton, Paige and Beck and it was cool to see them all back to back as you could. It was like compare and contrast. Jeff Beck is just better. Better than anyone else.

[Dave Damaschek]

Who. Who is the best living guitar player, I think.

[David Wild]

But I think Brad is in the top two or three, he's unbelievable and it's kind of ballsy and rock and roll for country. He's very real. Real. He can do the traditional stuff, but he also, he. I'd put him up against anybody.

[Dave Damaschek]

So was he fat or unattractive or something at some point? How did he get so good about.

[Adam Carolla]

Pictures in a book? It seems he wasn't.

[David Wild]

No, the whole book is about how.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you get good at something if you're good looking.

[David Wild]

Here's what happened. He was. I think there might have been a nerdy phase until Garth Brooks made country hip because he was a country fan in a rock and roll high school. But mainly what happened was his parents both worked, so they left him with his grandfather, who literally was just, you know, was a guitar freak and passed it on to him. And it's the whole story of basically how that. How he got so good. And he is really good, as you can hear.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know, there's this thing about looking good, being young and singing, where people just go, well, you can't do everything. So he must not be a guitar player or he must not be much good.

[David Wild]

No, there. But there are fans who come to his concerts, Brian, I don't know who are shocked that he's such a player. Like people who. People just know him from the hits on the radio when wouldn't know that.

[Bald Brian]

That's a really good point. I. I had an inkling that he's a really good guitar player. I knew that. But like, he goes on like jams and stuff. I mean, for. For a country. Not a lot of country acts go on extended jams. And he. He can hold his own with any guitarist I've ever seen.

[Adam Carolla]

He tempered his good looks with really loud shirts.

[Dave Damaschek]

I. I brought in a song that I thought you would like, David Wild, which is Blues Traveler. And I'm happy about this song because I think that Blues Trap. I love blues. Oh, great. Yeah.

[David Wild]

Really undervalued. But he did not grow up that cute, I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

John Popper.

[David Wild]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's why when you have a weird instrument like the harmonica and you can play the shit out of it, it's a lot of lonely weekend just in your refractory period, working out the harmonica. Isn't that the name of.

[David Wild]

That should be the name of the box set, the refractory period.

[Dave Damaschek]

But it was really weird because they wouldn't play this song in concert. And then I told John Popper, I'm friendly with. I really love this song, man. Like, you guys don't play this song when. You know you have a lot of great songs when you're not playing one of your great songs in concert. He was like, well, we have a system where we get to take turns picking the set. And then I ran into him some months later and was actually Jimmy's House and Rowdy Roddy Piper was getting a guy in a sleeper hold and choking him out. And John Popper was standing there freaking out. It was funny. But he said that he put this into his set and if you turn it up a little, I said. I said the piano is great in that song. And he said, yeah, we got this great session guy who's just like one of. One of the best. And. And I never. I always feel like he doesn't get his due as a vocalist. I mean, same way you don't know about Brad Paisley playing the guitar, because John Popper's known for playing the. Out of the harp and. And it's so. It's weird. It's like that becomes his thing. But if you listen. If you listen to his vocals, it's. I don't know if it's, you know, I don't know if it's classically great.

[David Wild]

No, he's very emotional. I find him a very emotional singer. Yeah, it really does connect with the songs.

[Dave Damaschek]

And you believe him?

[David Wild]

No, I. I've always been a fan, but I think it's one of those weird things. Like, you always talk about hall notes. Like sometimes your hits. If your hits don't. Can define you in the wrong way for people, right? And you get pigeonholed and people don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Big Head Todd. Jam Zone.

[David Wild]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[David Wild]

And I think in a weird way, he's more. His whole career is more diverse than that. He's got a new record, which I just heard, which is really, really good. But I think also just MTV fame will fuck you up. Like, you know, it's sort of like. I think you get played in that kind of whole Hootie. I think they. For a year they were played in that Hootie type way, which is guaranteed to make people sick of you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

In that spin doctor's way.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right?

[David Wild]

Spin doctor's way.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's playing the guitar solo in this, by the way, he proudly brought up to me. I didn't even know he played the guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Toy bringing me back. I think I had this album.

[Dave Damaschek]

But there's some point when you're right. David Wilde is about John Popper, which is. He's very emotional and you can just hear him like like it's almost visceral when he starts digging into it. And I hate all this fucking auto tune and everything. Let's just listen for a second. You can. You can hear it coming out in the. In next 30 seconds. Or what I want. That was enough to make her. She's not the first one. Come and go. Here's where it comes in. Listen to him dig in. You want peace to live alone. You want to hide and find that stage.

[David Wild]

I forgot how great this one is.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, it's such a great song.

[David Wild]

Can I share a theory about singers with you? And it's interesting. You have Piazz Adora on who I have had very deep feelings for decades. Butterflies. Very important, important film in my.

[Dave Damaschek]

Me too.

[David Wild]

I think it's possibly Orson Welles best film. Much better than that Citizen Kane crap. Because Piazza d' or was not in Citizen Kane. That was always a flaw in that picture. But she toured with Sinatra and with Rickles and Sinatra, my two favorite people of all time. And Sinatra, to me, is where, like the whole history of music. I don't buy any singer until Sinatra. I think he's the first singer. That's why people.

[Dave Damaschek]

You don't buy Pat Boone.

[David Wild]

I actually worked with Pap Boone. I loved him. Don't buy him as a singer. I don't think he. I don't think he feels one fucking thing that he sings.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, there's. There's, you know, part of it is like being. It's like. Part of it's like being in porn. Like, you just look good naked and you don't mind getting out there and you can perform, but it's not in your soul. Like with John Popper. I feel like something's escaping from the guy in porn.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in you.

[David Wild]

Yeah, but that's why Sinatra was the first, in my opinion, rock star. Because he's the first guy you listen to. He connects with the song you believe. And that's what John Popper. That's just a guy connecting with the song so beautifully. That guy. Yeah, that guy's great.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes, I think.

[David Wild]

And I find him very attractive.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. I like the guy because his secret compartments in his car to hide guns. That's what I like about John.

[Adam Carolla]

You know who else is an emotional singer? And then I'm wondering if you like him. Mark Lanigan of the Screaming Trees. Did you ever listen to that?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but I gotta listen to it now.

[David Wild]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you should.

[Dave Damaschek]

I like anyone I like. Look, I like anyone who's into anything they're doing. I really Do. That's the whole thing. Whether it's a comedian who's up there just telling jokes that someone else wrote for them that they paid for, that are 10 years old, or whether it's Britney Spears lip syncing a concert, it's like, I have no interest. Look, sweetie, if you're not interested, I'm not interested. And if you're not interested in your jokes, literally, if you're gonna buy other people's funny thoughts and then regurgitate them ten years after that person sold them to you, you're not interested. And if you're gonna lip sync a concert, you're not interested. So if you're not interested, I'm not interested. And John Popper's interested.

[David Wild]

No, he commits. It's that kind of Van Morrison thing where you go deep.

[Dave Damaschek]

You go deep. All right, now. And by the way, this drives me insane, but Piazadora. I know I've said this a million times. Her name was always P. Isadora. That's how they would say they used to go P. Isad Pia Zidora. They never said Pia Zadora. Now here, let me tell you how my life works. I know I've known people named Pia is a name everybody said. Now when I talk to her, it's going to be wildly disappointing to me because I've had this happen a million and ten times in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

She's out there.

[David Wild]

I don't think so. She looked good.

[Dave Damaschek]

She looks good. No, no, I'm not talking about the physicality. She looks great. I saw her 20 minutes minutes ago. But she could have aged 20 minutes in those 20 minutes. That could be a tough 20 minutes sitting on our green rooms.

[David Wild]

She's been listening.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like. It's like going into space or being a president.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's like a fruit dryer.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that.

[Dave Damaschek]

It'll turn a beautiful, beautiful young prune. No, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

It turns you into an apple magnet.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was trying to. Trying to get my plum prune thing worked out.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, you'll go from grape to raisin.

[Dave Damaschek]

There you go. That's what you'll do. No, I'm going to ask because I swear to God, my entire childhood, she was called P. Isadora. And I called her P. Isadora. I didn't know her name was Pia Zadora. Like Steve Martin was never called S. Martin. You know what I mean? He was called Steve Martin. Like there was a pause between the first and the last name. David Wild, not D. Ovidwald. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

More than you know.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, we. She was called P. Isadora.

[Adam Carolla]

You were an ad. Damn Corolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. It was even worse. It'd be like a damn Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

So I'm gonna ask her about that, and she's gonna have no idea what I'm talking about, and that's what's gonna drive me insane.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I feel like we should put money on this. I agree. She's gonna have no idea you're talking about.

[Dave Damaschek]

I gotta tell you, like, one of the. One of the craziest. I learned this early and often, although I've been burned almost every time. But when Leif Garrett. That's right. Another guy who sings what he feels.

[David Wild]

Oh, I always thought it was Le.

[Dave Damaschek]

Aef Garrett. Oh, you didn't know Leif Garrett came on. I was watching, like, behind the Music or something like that. And Leif Garrett, one of the early ones, I think it was, like, behind the Music.

[David Wild]

Oh, you know, it's the greatest behind the music of all time.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. And Leif is on top of the world, and he's got his buddies, his best buddies, coming off the Outsiders in the passenger seat right of the car. Yeah, he's probably maybe going into that, but he's top of the world. He's got his buddy in the passenger seat. They're in a Porsche 911. They get on the 101 freeway. He's, like, high on Quaaludes. He goes off the side of the freeway, and the guy is in a wheelchair at a certain point. The guy then goes into the hospital, obviously, and Leif comes and visits him and, like, gives him a boombox or something, and they're best friends. But then at a certain point, he's suing leif Garrett for $8 million. Because, of course, when you're paralyzed and Leif Garrett's a guy who's driving the car and he's high on Quaaludes, then you're going to sue Leif Garrett. And each time they interview the guy now, they're building up to the big reunion where the guy's in the wheelchair and he still hangs as the boombox that Leif gave him 20 years ago and all that kind of stuff. But each time they interview the guy who's in the wheelchair, all he says is, I just want to know what happened, man. Like, I don't care about money. I don't care about the wheelchair. I don't care about not, you know, being a paraplegic. I care about our relationship. I don't know what Happened. Like, I want to talk to Lathe. I. One day he's visiting me in the hospital, and the next minute, I never see the guy again. And I just want an answer. That's all I've ever wanted was an answer. And I'm screaming at the TV set, you sued him. You're suing him.

[David Wild]

It's called unadvice of counsel. I'm not going to visit you.

[Dave Damaschek]

You legally can't go hang out with guys that are suing you. So he's going. And he just keeps saying, as earnestly as you possibly can. He's like, I just want an answer.

[Pia Zadora]

That's.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's all I want. That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted to test him on the Bachelor.

[Dave Damaschek]

One minute he's in my hospital room visiting me. Next minute, I never talk to the guy again. And all I wanted was an answer. And I'm screaming because you're suing him. You're suing. Anyway, Leif Garrett came in. It was. I won't say he was a bad guest, but it was the only time we ever did an episode of Loveline on MTV where I interviewed the guest. And when we were done with the segment, the producers came by and said, you want to try that again? And here's how committed I am to my craft. I was like, nah, I think we're good.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened?

[Dave Damaschek]

Evidently, he was just, you know, on methadone or whatever or something worse, you know, just flatlining it completely through the thing. And I was like, leif, oh, my God. I just saw this thing two nights ago, and I'm going out of my mind. I saw this, you know, behind the music thing, and the guy in the day, well, of course he was suing you. Why didn't. And he was like, really? And I was like, yeah. I mean, of course. How are you gonna talk to him? He's suing you. Why didn't you just tell him you're suing him? I was going. I was yelling at the TV set. And he's like, which one is that? And I was like, oh, come on, Leif. Come on. Guy did a whole thing. And of course. And he was like, yeah. I don't know. I was like, I seem like a retard, because I was way too animated about it, and he was just high and didn't seem to give a shit. Yes.

[David Wild]

I worked on all those behind the Musics, a lot of them. And the thing that I loved about Leif Garrett and David Cassidy, they both said, I think at some point the record company wanted Me to be a teen idol, but I wanted to make. I had these new songs, like Hendrix.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[David Wild]

And it's always like, that question of, like, okay, in the preceding 40 years, why those. All those Great Foxes, sexy lady level songs that you had, why didn't you get those out to the public that, you know, why didn't you serve them up, you know, your houses of the Holy later? And they never quite got to that.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. I have the same question for Vanilla Ice. Like, when they go like, oh, no, that wasn't. That was the Vanilla Ice that was created by the label. This is the real Vanilla Ice. The one that looks like Fred Durst. Like, magically, like, who's got the tattoos. The one who. Who looks like the. Whatever the version of 1989 was now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they told him to do three little lines in his eyebrow, but he does four. The real Rob Van Winkle does four.

[Dave Damaschek]

I love it when people magically look like whatever's going on at whatever period they're in, but they have the fucking balls to go, this is the real me. Oh. So the one with the sleeve tattoos and the. I see by the way, he looked exactly how he was supposed to Look. Look circa 1988 and circa 2008.

[David Wild]

Right, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like a tough version of David Silver from 90210.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right, right. But this is. This is the real him. Except for Fred Durst.

[David Wild]

He's in the new Adam Sandler movie, which is. The only thing that could make the new Adam Sandler more appealing to me would be to see Vanilla Ice act.

[Dave Damaschek]

This is gonna be awesome. All right. Father's Day. Ooh. This can be a good day for you, David. Wild Father's Day. Oh, yeah. It's huge around the Corolla house. Always has been. Always a tradition.

[Arsenio Hall]

Oh, great.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, dad, what do you think about the man grate that you gotta love? Yeah, Dad. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America.

[Arsenio Hall]

Oh, great.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Steakhouse quality grill. My dad loves a super rare, juicy, thick porterhouse steak right off the grill. You know him? Oh, yeah. Nice frosty cold one in his hand. Oh, no. Oh. Every Father's Day, just. Oh. Over the barbecue, working the coals the whole time. I remember one time I got the fork out and I stabbed the meat, and he backhanded me, and he said, don't pierce it. You let all the juice out. Use the fucking tongs.

[Arsenio Hall]

That was pop water.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[David Wild]

And then you went fishing.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was a while back. Yeah. Put his arm around me. We added a deck on the back of the.

[Adam Carolla]

It was tough love, but it was love.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. No more. No more flare ups. No more dry meat. Oh, could my dad grill? Oh, could he grill? Oh, we would tailgate. Oh, man.

[Arsenio Hall]

Oh, great.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was awesome. When the Rams were in town. No more dry meat. Guaranteed. 20 bucks. By the way, Adam Carolla show special. Just click on the man. Great [e-mail]. i can still smell the hickory coming from his cuticles. Yeah, my dad. All right, P. Isadora, try again. I swear to God. Someone find me a commercial from Butterfly or something or the Love Boat or something where there's some voiceover. It is never starring Pia Zadora. No, that's not how they would say it. I'll get to the bottom of it. And then, yeah, she went out. She had this acting career and then she went out and started singing and doing Vegas shows and doing all the.

[David Wild]

At first she had, like a duet with Jermaine Jackson. She had like, sort of dance pop stuff. Then she did standards and she got really good. She was. I liked her.

[Dave Damaschek]

Where is she from? Do you know?

[David Wild]

I believe it was funny. I've become a historian. I believe she's from New Jersey, like me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, she's not. I thought she was from parts unknown.

[David Wild]

I could be wrong. I believe she is from New Jersey.

[Adam Carolla]

And she was in Troop Beverly Hills. There's a lot to talk about.

[David Wild]

She was in a horror. She was in a Santa Claus and the Martians movie when she was like four or five, I think.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right, we'll get to the bottom.

[David Wild]

Why do I know this?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, you're gonna hang out.

[David Wild]

Are you sure?

[Dave Damaschek]

I need you as my Jewish outrigger. You know what I mean? That's what.

[David Wild]

That's in my business now.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I feel demoted or liberated.

[Bald Brian]

What up, my outrigger?

[David Wild]

I didn't know I was out.

[Dave Damaschek]

What I'm saying is I feel like my Piaz Adora kayak may turn over and take in some water. If I don't have you as my.

[David Wild]

Jewish outrage, it would be an honor to be anywhere near Piazzadora.

[Dave Damaschek]

And I mean, we'll take a quick break. We'll be back with David Wild. Piazzadora next. Piazzadora standing by with David Wilde. But this just in. I just walked down to the studio and Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier said there's a Blues Traveler CD waiting for you.

[David Wild]

That's a new one. I just got that.

[Dave Damaschek]

And a personal note from John Popper, which just arrived, which is weird, man.

[Adam Carolla]

He's Fast.

[Dave Damaschek]

Exactly how energy works. Because I had no real intention of getting into it. And I had no idea that this thing was sitting anywhere. And he didn't bring it up to me. And it says, long time no see. Hope things are going well. Here you go. Here. We're doing your show in September, but even if we don't see you regardless. Here's a new copy of it. I wanted to send you this because it was you who reminded me of the quality of our songwriting. And it's been our goal and our focus. That's weird. I just got Muse into it and it just got this letter sitting and I swear to God, he just handed it to me 10 seconds ago. Bizarre. Next time I'm shooting higher than John Popper go for anyway. Piazadora. Good to see you. Good to meet you. I feel like I've grew up knowing you. And now my first thing was I always thought your name was P. Isadora. Am I making that up?

[Pia Zadora]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was out there watching.

[Adam Carolla]

We should have had money on this.

[Ace]

I want.

[Pia Zadora]

He went in and knocked the window.

[Dave Damaschek]

Nobody said.

[Pia Zadora]

You're just lucky that I'm very controlled tonight.

[Dave Damaschek]

P. Isadora. I swear to God, that's all I ever heard on the Love Boat.

[Pia Zadora]

Piazadora. P. Ya Zadora.

[Dave Damaschek]

But shouldn't there be a pause between your first name and your last name? It felt like it was almost one thing.

[Pia Zadora]

I know. I know. I never. It wasn't an issue for me.

[Dave Damaschek]

Am I the only one who knew.

[Pia Zadora]

You was pulling it like a few inches?

[Dave Damaschek]

Somebody had to.

[Adam Carolla]

Did anyone ever think your name was P? Did they like if you said your name? Did they ever miss you again?

[Dave Damaschek]

You'll never. Don't ever expect one. It'll never.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. Let it go.

[Dave Damaschek]

I've done it a thousand. No one in your whole life has ever went P. Next story. Next.

[Adam Carolla]

Now dig in. Adam.

[Pia Zadora]

If they did, I wouldn't have followed the direction.

[Dave Damaschek]

No. No.

[Pia Zadora]

But all emotions aside, in France it was Pia. Pia Ze Dora. Pia.

[Dave Damaschek]

Uh huh.

[Pia Zadora]

So it was Pia. I don't like the name.

[Dave Damaschek]

You don't like Pia.

[Pia Zadora]

I don't like the name.

[Dave Damaschek]

I like it.

[Pia Zadora]

Do you?

[Dave Damaschek]

Even though I just learned it was Pia.

[Pia Zadora]

Maybe that's why you like it.

[Dave Damaschek]

So your background is. I knew. You just. I don't know. International pop star, actress. I wouldn't know what category to put you in. As a matter of fact, if you're doing that 20 questions thing, the best is Evil Knievel. Because it's perfect. But Piazadora might be pretty good, too, because you go, you know. Actress. Yeah. Singer. Yes. But you have to keep going like. Like you. It'd be hard. I don't know where to categorize you exactly. What would you call yourself?

[Pia Zadora]

Well, I did have somewhat of a diverse career.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm.

[Pia Zadora]

I started out on Broadway when I was a kid. I was like, 8 years old. And then did some movies and then got into some trouble and got out.

[Dave Damaschek]

What was the trouble?

[Pia Zadora]

I don't know. Some of the movies weren't really that good.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, but we didn't care. We just wanted to see you.

[David Wild]

Isn't Santa Claus. What is that? That's a classic.

[Pia Zadora]

That's not fair. I was seven years old when I did that movie, and I got to keep all the toys, and you guys are on my ass. It's not okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, you're talking about, like, Butterfly. I was seven years old. Yeah.

[Pia Zadora]

No. Santa Claus conquers the Martians.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, I remember that.

[David Wild]

That's considered one of the best outer space of the Santa Claus films.

[Adam Carolla]

How did you get into acting so young?

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, God. I was a very shy little girl. I was going to a parochial school, and the nuns considered me socially retarded. And my mother sent me to you, too. My mother sent me to a dramatic school, the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, when I was seven to bring me out of my shell. And Burgess Meredith was looking for a little girl to co star in a Broadway play.

[David Wild]

Burgess Meredith.

[Pia Zadora]

Burgess Meredith.

[Dave Damaschek]

Wow.

[Pia Zadora]

And it was with Tallulah Bankhead. And he came and scouted me, and I auditioned. That was the beginning.

[Dave Damaschek]

And then when did you make the trek to Europe?

[Pia Zadora]

Well, I did a lot of Broadway. I was in Fiddler on the Roof and Promises, Promises and Sound of Music. Europe was after I did Butterfly when I started my pop career, that's when.

[Dave Damaschek]

I made the by the way live shows. July 27th and 28th, Smith Center, Las Vegas website. Piazzadora.

[Pia Zadora]

By the way, I was nominated for a grammy.

[Dave Damaschek]

What year?

[Pia Zadora]

1984. Best female rock star. I lost it to Tina Turner.

[David Wild]

Whatever happened to her?

[Adam Carolla]

I never heard heard of her.

[Dave Damaschek]

So I knew I'd come Snake eyes in my pee.

[Pia Zadora]

What?

[Dave Damaschek]

It's a weird thing with me. This is my Asperger syndrome coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you need someone to hug you?

[Dave Damaschek]

No, that hurts it. That makes more of it come out. I'm like toothpaste. Your son's godfather is Don King, is that correct?

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Wow. Why? What happened?

[Pia Zadora]

He had the hair. He needed the hair. He was bald when he was born. And I said, God, we gotta get done something.

[Dave Damaschek]

Something awful must have happened along the way.

[Pia Zadora]

I don't know. I can't really. I really can't explain. That whole part of my life, really, is that when the trouble happened, I'm here to talk about it. You know, I was really young and I was thrust into this whole hubbub of all these crazy people. And I just, you know, went along with it that I wasn't, you know, I wasn't mature enough to be discerning enough to understand it. It was a little overwhelming. I was a crazy, shy little kid and I just jumped into it and went with the flow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm. That's how you got Don King as a. I don't feel like that's a satisfactory answer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I feel like it's over. Who were you choosing between Don King and someone else?

[Dave Damaschek]

I wasn't really cheating Customata.

[Pia Zadora]

He just came in and said, I'm the godfather. And I'm like, okay, really?

[Dave Damaschek]

Now, I don't know. If something happened to you, would Don King step up and take care of your now adult child?

[Pia Zadora]

By the way, he is in the Israeli army, my son.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, Don King.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah, I wish.

[Dave Damaschek]

Now wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Krav Maga is like, oh, wait, that's what they. That's what they do, right?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only thing that could take.

[Dave Damaschek]

Down Don King three years in, by the way. Way I used to be too, I think. So why is your son in the Israeli army?

[Pia Zadora]

You know what? Your guess is as good as mine.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel it less satisfactory than the doctor.

[Pia Zadora]

I'm telling you, he.

[Dave Damaschek]

There's no way.

[Pia Zadora]

It's a freaking enigma.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hold on, hold on.

[Pia Zadora]

He always wanted to be a soldier. When he was 12, he wanted to be a Navy SEAL. And I'm like, uh, huh, sure. You know, like we're gonna let him be a Navy seal. And then he went to college, graduated Pepperdine business, you know, early masters. And he comes and says, I need a new experience. And I'm like, okay, what's that? And he goes, the army? The Israeli army.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, okay.

[Pia Zadora]

I mean, what are you gonna say? Well, on some level, I was impressed. Yeah, I was very proud of him. On another level, I was scared to death. But, you know, you've gotta encourage your kids and it is what it is. But when he called me and said, hey, mom, I threw my first grenade, I was like, okay, did you clean up after? I didn't know what. It's like a whole new Experience. You have a son telling you I threw my first grenade.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hey, bald Brian, let's do a little role playing. Yeah, well, fast forward 15 years, my son will be 21. Ask me why his goddad is Don King, and then why he's in the Israeli army.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, God. Is his goddad Don King, too?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Pia Zadora]

I knew he had something in common, Adam something.

[Bald Brian]

I was a good kid. Tell me, what's the story of Don King being his gothard? Oh, and while you're at it, why is he in the Israeli army?

[Dave Damaschek]

First, the Don King thing, you know, it is what it is. What are you gonna do? And as far as the Israeli army thing, he just landed over in Israel. Now he's in the army.

[Bald Brian]

I feel terrible. Thank you.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, you know what? I did leave out an important part. Yes, his dad's Israeli. Ah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Dave Damaschek]

That explains the Don King part.

[Pia Zadora]

But what about this right now?

[Dave Damaschek]

You grew up where?

[Pia Zadora]

I grew up in New York. I was born in Hoboken.

[David Wild]

Okay. I was right there.

[Pia Zadora]

David and I were born close to each other.

[David Wild]

Yes. And Sinatra.

[Pia Zadora]

Right down the balcony in the same manger.

[Adam Carolla]

Cutest part of New Jersey and by.

[Pia Zadora]

The way, stinkiest part. Oh, my God.

[Dave Damaschek]

At the local.

[Pia Zadora]

Omg. I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to say oh, my God.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, you can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not?

[Pia Zadora]

I can say it. I don't know. They tell me not to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's they?

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, people that Don King.

[David Wild]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Israeli army, Krav Magar or whatever. Statements. That's really my. Isn't that everyone's ultimate fantasy to have some sort of discipline of mixed martial arts named after you? You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to imagine an Allison Rosen discipline.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, like that guy's a fifth degree black belt in Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't straighten his hair and then talk to you, make you do his podcast.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right, Allison. Speaking of Allison Rosen. And by the way, we'll be at the Irvine improv this Thursday, June 7, with Will Durst and also Caroline's New York City doing the live shows coming up, 14th through the 16th. Five shows coming up in New York City. My book, not Taco Bell material. You can pre order that bad boy. And you can get an audiobook chapter. The Tijuana chapter. So if you pre order the book. Book, Then you'll get a chapter of the audiobook.

[David Wild]

And I can personally say I love the book so much, I wrote a tribute to it on Huffington Post that you could read and listen to the songs that inspired in me. But it's. It's a beautiful book.

[Dave Damaschek]

Everyone should buy it. Thank you so much. It comes out one week from today, and please be generous, and we'll get on the New York Times. Maybe we'll make number one. Who knows? All right, Pia, jump in, do some news with us. Hang out, and let's do some Alison Rosen in the news. News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it up with Zip it Cut. It's Allison. Allison. Now, here's where this letter gets even weirder. Sorry. I know we're all over the goddamn road like I was the other day, but in this John Popper art. Yeah. In this letter that was sent to me that was sitting on the table while I was talking about him, he says it was you yourself who reminded me of songs like look around as a great body work, the Blues Travelers did, and blah, blah, blah. So, so weird.

[David Wild]

No, if he said that it was inspired by Don King being his stepfather, that would be weird. It's just merely fascinating.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right, so sorry, we've lost a.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple important people in the entertainment industry. Richard Dawson, host of Family Feud. And I keep wanting to say Family.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ties, but Family Feud and Hogan's Heroes as well.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. He died of esophageal cancer. He hosted family feud from 1976 to 1985 and then again from 1994-95. He was regular on the Match Game, and he was on Hogan's Heroes. And we had this video of this weird psychedelic song that he did.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yes.

[David Wild]

Apples and Oranges or whatever it is.

[Dave Damaschek]

Everyone was forced to do a crazy song back in the 60s. Apples and oranges. You had to come out with a record whether you could sing or not back in the day.

[Adam Carolla]

What would yours have been?

[Dave Damaschek]

It would have been Tangellas.

[Pia Zadora]

Supposedly had a reputation kissing all of the women on the show.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, it's well documented.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[David Wild]

He committed to that.

[Pia Zadora]

He looks like a playboy.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's something creepy about him.

[Dave Damaschek]

I think so, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, in the kissing thing, you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Have to understand, in the 70s, everyone wore burnt orange. Like, everyone dressed like they produced porn. Like, everyone had a plaid jacket.

[Adam Carolla]

They were.

[Dave Damaschek]

They wore a, like, burnt orange turtleneck and then put a medallion outside of the turtleneck.

[Adam Carolla]

Know your hip. Or hip.

[Dave Damaschek]

So it's unfair to compare him to the time that we knew him from.

[Adam Carolla]

Because everybody shoes are different.

[Dave Damaschek]

It'd be like saying, I heard that chick was a. No, she was just big in 1976 when disco was huge and everyone wore tube tops and, you know, hip huggers and you know what I'm saying? Like everyone, everyone who was into roller disco, they all look like prostitutes.

[David Wild]

I just.

[Dave Damaschek]

That being said, he was a sexual maniac.

[David Wild]

I loved Richard Dawson because no one fought the Nazis with more of a.

[Dave Damaschek]

British accent than he had a British. He was a down British flyer.

[David Wild]

That was the best of the Nazi.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sitcoms and it's top 10. And he also was one of these guys where about five years ago was at the top of my is he dead or alive? List. Because you could stump anyone with that. No one would firmly go, he's 100% alive. I happen to know that. I spoke to him recently. I just saw him on Letterman. Richard Dawson is on my. If you put a gun to someone's head and said dead or alive, like three years ago, they just go gab. All you have is he used to live in Hawaii. That's. That's, that's all you'd get.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's on the list now?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, now that Dawson's dead and I still haven't confirmed it yet, but now, now that he's dead, that's it. That would. That. That's all. Who was on my list? You're gonna need to add someone on.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't make it Dick Beals, voice of Gumby, because he's definitely dead now.

[Dave Damaschek]

Wow.

[David Wild]

Yeah, he was Gumby, dammit.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

He also did. Did over 3,000 commercials for products like Oscar Mayer and Campbell's soup. And he was the voice of Davey in Davey and Goliath. He had some kind of a gland condition that made his voice sound like a child's voice.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, but mostly those guys don't make it out of high school, do they? He was the Alka Seltzer guy, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

You want to talk about taking life's lemons and turning them into lemonade? You know what I mean? Like, you're. You're born. You're born with this weird condition, and so you make a mint just doing VO work your whole life.

[Bald Brian]

Back to your list, which is a great idea. Should be named after J.T. walsh.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

No one ever. He's been dead for years. And I think people have this concept.

[David Wild]

Of him being alive still doing a lot of great character, a lot of.

[Bald Brian]

Great work, always a bad guy.

[David Wild]

Always.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's been dead for 10 years. Easily, I'd say now. Right, right, right. Yeah. Maybe Even lost. So this guy who had this syndrome made it to the ripe old age of 85. 85. Gumby and Pokey were one of those things, sort of Davey and Goliath esque and a lot of the Hanna Barbera stuff. And that stuff would have never made it off the launching pad today. My kids would be bored shitless watching that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I still don't understand what Gumby and Pokey was about.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was about one guy who got really high on acid and had a lump of clay to fight with. And it was really about no competition. All. There's certain shows where you look back on them and you go, like, all in the family. That was a good show. Like that holds up. Like, that's still good writing. I understand what that's about. And then there's Dukes of Hazzard, top perennial top 10 show that wouldn't make it into the top 200 today, because there is 200 shows. Do you know what I'm saying?

[David Wild]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

So there are certain things that are popular because they're good. Hence your Mary Tyler Moore and your aforementioned Archie Bunkers. And then there's your just junk that would have never made it.

[Adam Carolla]

If you ask primitive man, what's the best way to cook something, they say fire. That's all they had.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's all they had. That's right.

[David Wild]

Davey and Goliath was very interesting. You all wouldn't understand it, but your son would. As a Jew, watching Davey and Goliath was always rather uncomfortable because he would just sort of go along with these horrible claymation characters. And then there'd be some line like, the Jews don't get it, Davey. Something that would just make you feel a little uncomfortable. This wasn't for me.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was brought to you by the Church of Latter Day Saints or something like that. It was a weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I knew there was something weird.

[David Wild]

And stuff, which I think Family Guy. Family Guy is now brought to you by the Church of Latter Day Saints, I believe.

[Dave Damaschek]

I mean, the Brady Bunch sucked. It was a piece of shit. It didn't have a smile in it. And everyone. And I think, here's how you know it sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

You're getting.

[Dave Damaschek]

There were 80 people in the cast. Not one of them broke out. There's not one Johnny Depp from 21 Jump street in there. I mean, all the kids, dad, mom, everyone, Nothing. Zero. Sherwood Schwartz was a total hack. He'll be missed, but he was a wild hack who created junk that would never work today.

[David Wild]

He was a wild hack with a beautiful house. I interviewed him once.

[Dave Damaschek]

I went up to his house, too.

[David Wild]

That was somehow. He had a nice view.

[Dave Damaschek]

He lived up like Cherokee. Up off of Coldwater.

[David Wild]

Yes, and he was very happy man. He knew.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know. I delivered that smile at an interview. I delivered booze to his house when I worked at the Flask liquor in, like, 1984.

[David Wild]

Good tipper.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ah, fucking jeez. No, not a great. Nobody fucking tipped. I don't know. I don't know what it was. Maybe my stupid boss told him not to or something. But I remember going to Sherwood Schwartz's house, too. It's just a drop off. Built some scotch, but, yeah, that guy was a wild hack. I mean, he's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Pia, did you enjoy Brady Bunch?

[Pia Zadora]

No.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay, good.

[David Wild]

But you did. How much?

[Pia Zadora]

Which of the TV Florence Henderson was in that? She had somewhat of a Broadway career, but.

[Dave Damaschek]

All right. All the kids were worthless and untalented.

[David Wild]

Which TV did you do that you didn't like? Was there tv, did you did. You did Love Boats? No, Nothing. No tv.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hold on.

[Pia Zadora]

No, I did tv, but not Love Boats.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not a one. Love Boat.

[Pia Zadora]

Not a one.

[Dave Damaschek]

How can that be?

[David Wild]

That's the only actress in history who is not.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you upset over the injustice of it or your memory?

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm. I'm just. I'm outraged because I'm confused and outraged.

[Bald Brian]

You're thinking of Pete as Adora.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, right. You're thinking of her. I hate that bitch.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, but. What?

[David Wild]

She would do anything.

[Dave Damaschek]

You were. That was a perfect time for you to do the. You must have been approached to do the Love Boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, okay. So you were.

[Pia Zadora]

I don't know. I don't remember.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe her agent pulled a Dixon and didn't tell her.

[Pia Zadora]

There you go.

[Dave Damaschek]

Baby doll did that to me in Dancing with the Stars. Yeah.

[David Wild]

So I did a Love Boat. I was the accountant, the lovable accountant on the boat. No, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have believed.

[David Wild]

No, I did not.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. All right.

[David Wild]

That old.

[Adam Carolla]

Did we like Love Boat?

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm. I mean, it was bad, but I loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Look, you love. I loved Love Bug like you love Kentucky Fried Chicken. Coleslaw. It's not good coleslaw.

[Bald Brian]

It's there.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's Kentucky Fried Chicken coleslaw. You know what I mean? It's bad coleslaw, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know what I mean?

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It tastes like shit. No, it tastes good. I mean, sorry, it's bad for you, but it tastes good. I'm talking.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's bad. It's not good coleslaw, but you eat.

[Pia Zadora]

It's an acquired taste. And they make it a certain way so that it's like a Twinkie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Twinkie's not a pastry. It's a Twinkie.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Wild]

As much as.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know.

[David Wild]

I know Peter fans actually know exactly.

[Dave Damaschek]

What you're talking about. Wow.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. I know it's not high quality coleslaw, but it's there. And it's the alternative to the chicken, and it's. It's the coleslaw. And it comes all the other delicious stuff, the biscuit and the chicken and all that. Yeah, it'll do.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's close enough.

[Bald Brian]

It'll do.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, no, no. I mean, sort of.

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Dave Damaschek]

It is its own thing. It's not supposed to be good coleslaw.

[Bald Brian]

It will not rank any top 10 of Coleslaws.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's its own thing. Yes. Love Boat was its own thing. It's not even supposed to be a good TV show.

[David Wild]

Since we've talked Love Boat, can I ask Pia two quick questions? One minute. Questions.

[Dave Damaschek]

You mean P. P. No.

[David Wild]

Yeah, P. Okay. Orson Welles. What was it like? You worked Butterfly with Orson Welles.

[Dave Damaschek]

Now?

[David Wild]

It wasn't Citizen Kane. It was a movie that meant a lot to Adam and to me.

[Dave Damaschek]

I thought you were kidding when he said Orson Welles worked on Butterfly Fly.

[David Wild]

No, I'm not kidding. Right. I'm right.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's. That's was one of his. When did he die?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he put him on my list.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's still alive.

[Pia Zadora]

The movie was like, in 1980. Yeah, we shot it in 1980. I think he died like five or six years ago.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he died in, like 86.

[Pia Zadora]

He was very heavy. He couldn't really get around.

[Dave Damaschek]

Remember that?

[Pia Zadora]

He was wheezing, but he really. He was a freaking character. I swear to God.

[Dave Damaschek]

I just remember you in those little fung back panties things, walking around.

[Pia Zadora]

Well, that was in Butterfly.

[Dave Damaschek]

Was that.

[Pia Zadora]

That was in con for Butterfly.

[Dave Damaschek]

That was something else.

[Pia Zadora]

Well, that was.

[David Wild]

Those were publicity.

[Pia Zadora]

Publicity for Butterfly.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, close enough.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

I was in high school. That's all we needed. We didn't have the Internet back then. All we had was you and Khan and thong back panties.

[Pia Zadora]

There you go.

[Dave Damaschek]

It was nice.

[Pia Zadora]

But Orson was very devoted to his marijuana patch.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, he had a marijuana patch? You mean a patch of marijuana plants or patches on his arm?

[Pia Zadora]

No. Oh, that's a good idea.

[Dave Damaschek]

Someone must have thought of that one. I like that he had marijuana, a patch of marijuana.

[Pia Zadora]

Like a little garden, like a little area of marijuana. And he would always have to go home and water his marijuana patch.

[Dave Damaschek]

He would smoke no vine before it's time.

[David Wild]

If only he had stayed off drugs, there would have been Citizen Kane 2, Citizen Kane 3, Citizen.

[Pia Zadora]

There you go. What was the other question?

[David Wild]

Frank Sinatra. How did you end up working with Frank Sinatra and what was he like? Because a lot of people say he's like. I think of Carolla as the Sinatra of the podcast, the chairman to the.

[Dave Damaschek]

Board or something like that.

[Pia Zadora]

Tough love. Tough love.

[Dave Damaschek]

And how many times did he come on to you?

[Pia Zadora]

I was appearing. No, that was Junior. I was appearing. I was appearing at the Fontainebleau Hotel with Jackie Mason. Frank came in to see the show and the next day I received a bouquet of white roses saying, you knocked him dead, kid. And his people called me that afternoon and said, frank wants you to tour with him. And I said, I gotta check my schedule. Not, you know, it's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And that was it. He was tough. He was really tough.

[Dave Damaschek]

How was he tough?

[Pia Zadora]

He always wanted everything his way. And you didn't mess with him if he didn't want you to mess with him. But he was always there in a sense, for his show. His show.

[Dave Damaschek]

Give us like an example.

[Pia Zadora]

Well, you know, he used to. Every night before I go on stage, he call me over, he'd take my hands in his, he'd look me straight in the eye and he'd say, three word pep talk. Don't screw up every night. And I didn't. Well, you know, it's like that pat on the back. If he didn't say it, it was in his pat. It was that don't screw up thing. Anybody? He was, he was. I don't know, he was.

[Dave Damaschek]

Frank, were you intimidated by him?

[Pia Zadora]

No, I'm just not the intimidated.

[Dave Damaschek]

What was the. How old was he at the time, approximately?

[Pia Zadora]

God, he was about 74, so.

[Dave Damaschek]

And Junior was leading the band part of the time.

[Pia Zadora]

Just a part of the time. Vinnie, who's with me now, was leading the band. Vinnie Falcone was leading the band. Most of them. Junior, he and Junior had tough time. They really didn't.

[Dave Damaschek]

Franken Jr. Yeah.

[David Wild]

Oh, yeah, that's famous. I was there. I wrote liner notes for him for Duets, one of that last big sort of album he did. And it was the scariest thing. I worshiped Sinatra. My dad worshiped Sinatra. So I second generation. And when I moved to la, I didn't have any friends, still don't have many, but I literally got. I would. So I would drive to Vegas every weekend because I just had learned to drive and they real. They Heard there was a Rolling Stone writer coming to see Sinatra. So they started inviting me, and they put me front row center. And I remember. I'll never forget it as long as I live. One time they sat me next to Spiro Agnew, and this is 1992 or one. And I didn't know. That's, like, dead or alive. I didn't think he would. I didn't know Agnew was alive. And all night I'm sitting staring at Agnew. Just because, like, this guy disgraced the nation, you know, you don't think you're gonna sit with the scumbag. And at the end of the night, he thought I was a fan, and he, like. Like, gave me a little finger. Like, he thought, like, as if they were Spiro Agnew fans.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, my God.

[David Wild]

Especially in 1992.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, okay, so how could this end up any other way? Like, if you had your son, especially if you're Frank Sinatra and you have Frank Sinatra Jr. And he's going to conduct your orchestra, there's going to be nothing but arguments.

[David Wild]

Oh, no, no, no. I heard him say in those gigs, he would say things like, my son. Someone had to hire him, and it would be on stage. Mean.

[Pia Zadora]

He was mean.

[Dave Damaschek]

He was mean to his son. Yeah, it was bad, really.

[David Wild]

So Frank was along in his years and not doing great in that era. So we, like. Yeah, there were things like, ladies and gentlemen, my son. He's fat.

[Dave Damaschek]

So tough things. I mean, chairman of the board, a little bit of a douchebag.

[David Wild]

I think he's, like, more than a little. He's so one of a kind. Brilliant. I forgive a lot.

[Pia Zadora]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know, but why do they. Let them.

[Adam Carolla]

Let them off the hook? Who they are most.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes. I mean, just let's separate the talent from the man for one second. Let's just pretend we had some sort of centrifuge or something that I could just whip it around and get the talent thrown out. Then we're left with the dude. Douchey sounds like kind of a douchebag to his son.

[David Wild]

I think Pia would know much better than I.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is she not gonna say he was tough? He was tough.

[Pia Zadora]

He was tough.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an admission of douche.

[Dave Damaschek]

Tough guy. If you really want to say he's a douche, you got. Just go. Frank was Frank.

[Pia Zadora]

Frank was Frank. See, let's just say he wasn't P. Isadora or damn, Carolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

So he was tough. It's weird because I feel like if somebody was opening for me, I would Almost want him to stink like I want him to be that great because then you got to come out and be that much great.

[David Wild]

Sinatra had great people open. He had rickles a lot. He had a guy named Bucky Pizzarelli and John Pizzarelli, his son later. Oh, there's a comedian, I forget the other guy comedian who opened all the time for him.

[Pia Zadora]

Dreeson.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh shit. Tom Dreeson. I named a bunch of the Reds infield from 1975. Yes, yes, Tom Dreeson.

[Pia Zadora]

Don is still doing great.

[Dave Damaschek]

You want to have a fun. There's two things that you amuse yourself if you want to have fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I like fun.

[Dave Damaschek]

We're going to start doing it on the show. We'll get back to Aces Ranchera accordion countdown. We did a little on the road when I was out in Sonoma, which is you just turn on the ranchero music and you take bets on how long before you hear an accordion. It's less than two seconds normally, even in commercial breaks. Tom Dreeson. Here's a fun parlor game with Tom Dreeson. Invite him over to your house for a party, have a gathering and the over under on seconds before he mentions the name Frank Sinatra. It is way it's less than when the accordion kicks in on Richard. Good point. There's no place that Tom der easen can show up to where he is.

[Pia Zadora]

I heard he was changing his name to Frank Sinatra as we.

[Dave Damaschek]

I guarantee he is saying it as we speak somewhere.

[David Wild]

Hold on. It's Frank Sinatra. I thought it was fuh.

[Dave Damaschek]

Frank Sinatra. It should be.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh gosh.

[Dave Damaschek]

Don't humor him, Pete.

[Bald Brian]

How about this as an extension to your alcohol theory? The alcohol brings out the inner douchebag fame. You know what I mean? Like if you're a really good guy, it'll make you like the Henry Wrinklers of the world or the John register. The world and fame could also make you the Frank Sinatra's of the world. I doubt Sinatra would be the same a hole similar, but maybe not the same if he wasn't super.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, the thing about the a hole is the a hole. The Hershey highway. It's a two way street. There's some people don't feel that there is. I'm telling you, there's what you want to do and there's what society will let you get away with. Now you can be a douchebag all you want, but if you're a civilian, you're going to get fired from your job, your woman's going to leave you and pretty soon there's going to be douchebag consequences that come raining down upon you. But if you're Frank Sinatra, no one ever goes, hey, man, shut up, Frank, you're being too hard on your son. You're way out of line. You owe him an apology. Go say you're sorry like that'll never happen. And he'll never be wrong. He could say, I want to fit the Cutty Shark waiting for me in my room and Jack Daniels. Well, then you could come back and there'd be Jack. Or he could say, Jack and someone could be Cutty Shark. But the waiter's always going to be right. Wrong. It's never going to be Frank that's going to be wrong. No one's ever going to settle his hash. No one's ever going to correct him. And when you go through now 50 years of not being corrected, you become like Kim Jong il. You shoot 18 holes of golf and you tell a guy, yeah, write down I got a 21, and everyone's scared you're going to shoot him.

[David Wild]

Yeah, I think Brian's point is exactly right. No one was ever as famous for as long as Sinatra. And I have to tell you, you. He lived it exactly the way he wanted to. I saw one of his last shows ever. No, he literally did it. And he did it in a way that would kill most people half his age. One of his last shows, I went to see him in Long beach and Rickles was open. It was great. And that night I happened to talk to his camp. I'm sorry. The next morning, talked to his camp. He went to Westwood. I went home and went to sleep and was tired from a great show. He stayed up till five in the morning in Westwood at that Hoboken Italian.

[Dave Damaschek]

Place he loved with the Train up top.

[David Wild]

And drank all night.

[Pia Zadora]

Mateos.

[David Wild]

Mateos. And smoked and drank all night and went to bed at 6am and it's like, that's what he did. Yeah.

[Pia Zadora]

But then he slept all day.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[David Wild]

And he would get up for the next show.

[Pia Zadora]

There was. The alcohol was pouring backstage with the Don and Frank Tour. I started drinking at that point that every time you turn around, there'd be a tray with all these glasses and they were just throwing.

[Dave Damaschek]

I bet you Frank Jr had to put a few down with the old man out there all the time. Take the edge off.

[Pia Zadora]

I don't think he drank. He's pretty. He's pretty.

[Dave Damaschek]

Booger sugar. I get you. I hear you. Oh, my gosh. Nose candy.

[Pia Zadora]

He maybe should drink.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, he's into the sea, humpy.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Eh.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. I feel like we're all high now.

[Pia Zadora]

I know that 70s thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[David Wild]

It is very breathtaking.

[Dave Damaschek]

We were contact.

[David Wild]

We were contacting somewhere between Brett and Rat Pack.

[Dave Damaschek]

Let me, let me. Allison, I don't even know what you were doing. News.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing news. But I wanted to ask about true Beverly Hills because I feel like that's what's hanging in the air. That's what I was thinking everyone needs to know about. Who did you play in true Beverly Hills?

[Dave Damaschek]

No.

[Pia Zadora]

You're kidding me. It was a cameo in the fashion show.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah. Because I couldn't. I couldn't place it.

[Pia Zadora]

No, no, no, no. It was just a cameo. Walking, you know, robbing. I've seen it more than once. I know everyone. Leach was thinking about it, you know, in the fashion show at the Beverly Hills was introducing celebrities. Oh, pierced are wearing this. You know Versace talking about the Shelley Long vehicle.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Jenny Lewis of Rylo Kiley was in it back when she was a child actor.

[Dave Damaschek]

Like I said, everybody does.

[Pia Zadora]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's on small.

[Ace]

Wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

Hairspray. Piazzadoro was in it.

[Pia Zadora]

Let's get naked in smoke.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay, where were we?

[Pia Zadora]

Hairspray. Come on. Beverly Hills.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. It seared into my memory.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, you poor thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm going to cut this fog, this estrogen laced fog with a little real talk about stamps. I'll just squirt out more stamps dot com. Stamps dot com. You want to save time? Yes. You want to save money?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel like Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul. He would have signed up for stamps.com? he did not have time to go down the post office.

[Bald Brian]

And he would have had his people do it.

[Pia Zadora]

He didn't even know stamps existed. People did that stuff.

[Dave Damaschek]

He would have got stamps.com. he would have. He could print out postage on his own printer. That's right. He would have done it that way. Print the exact postage for any letter or package with the free digital scale. Oh, I'll tell you who would have used that. What's his name? Director. Oh, shit, man, I forgot. Special offer. By the way. The way, now I feel high. No risk trial. The offer. Yes. Famous director Leif Garrett. Offer includes a digital scale. 55 bucks free postage only if you enter. Adam. Orson Welles. That's what I was thinking of. He could have used that digital scale for his little podcast.

[Pia Zadora]

He couldn't even move. Wow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Oh, big man.

[Pia Zadora]

You know, he played the judge. He couldn't get off the stand. At lunch, they'd have to bring him his food because he just. It was too hard for him to get down.

[Dave Damaschek]

What the hell did he eat? He did a commercial for food, and I can't remember what the hell that.

[David Wild]

Oh, his famous ads.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know it was for the wine.

[David Wild]

The wine.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ernest and Julio Gallo.

[David Wild]

Was that it?

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Free postage, 55 bucks only. If you enter Adam, go to stamps.com, click on the microphone and the top. I feel like there was something. Some food. Top of the homepage. And you type in Adam. That's stamps.com promo code @ Adam. All right, More. We'll figure out what it is. A little more news, Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Zimmerman is back in jail. His bond was revoked because he lied about his personal finances or he misstated his finances. Turns out that, you know, he and his wife raised a bunch of money on their PayPal account. People donated to the legal defense fund. 150,000, 204,000 actually were originally raised, and 30,000 was used to help him make the transition to a life in hiding, which I like to think is going into a gas station and dyeing his hair yellow.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. There has to be that scene where you go into the gas station and you got the Just for Men thing out, and you're frantically clipping your beard, and then you're dying your hair a different color, which, by the way, I think draws more attention to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Who's this? That person with yellow hair who looks nervous and has a big, fat hair dye in it.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right, right. That's right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he kept 20,000 liquid would pay for legal expenses. Anyway, he acknowledges, according to his lawyer, that he allowed his financial situation to be misstated in court. So he's back in jail.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, what's the deal? So he's got the money or he doesn't have the money?

[Adam Carolla]

He has the money. The deal is, you have to be honest.

[Pia Zadora]

He has money, but he lied.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You have to be honest about your personal finances, because that's how they set your bail or your bond. So he has a butload, so they said.

[Dave Damaschek]

And then he was able to make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So he could, like. So that looks like a flight risk, potentially.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, that's a weird one. I figured they just. I thought they just take the severity of the crime and just sort of do it based on that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they take your ability to skip town and do it based on that.

[Dave Damaschek]

And the severity of the crime, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

And then if you can cover it, then you're gonna flee, by the way. Can you. I know there's the. And I know back in the day there was the flight thing. It's like I'm going to Mexico and I'm going to sand off my fingerprints, but is there any flight today? Like, is it possible?

[Pia Zadora]

It's almost impossible.

[Dave Damaschek]

I feel like.

[Pia Zadora]

I know it's almost heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Tried.

[Pia Zadora]

They find you anywhere, you know, with all the computer and all the post.

[David Wild]

9 11.

[Dave Damaschek]

You can't use a credit card. There's a camera in every gas station. There's a camera in every atm. Like what? Like if you really had to really get out this day, they'll find you. It seems nearly impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

You can go to Mexico and just do whatever you want.

[Dave Damaschek]

People try, but eventually they come back. I mean, look, remember Olivia Newton John's boyfriend threw himself off the boat? He tried.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It didn't work.

[Dave Damaschek]

He was in international waters. They found him.

[Adam Carolla]

But the thing is, you're not allowed to lie about your finances.

[Pia Zadora]

The thing about Zimmerman, this is going to have long term repercussions for him because the judge knows he's a frickin liar now. He's not gonna believe anything he says. He's lost his credibility.

[Dave Damaschek]

I would definitely. Bullshit. I would do the same though, to be honest with you.

[Pia Zadora]

Oh, you wouldn't.

[Dave Damaschek]

I would if I thought. Yeah. I would try to make bond and I would say that I. You know what?

[Pia Zadora]

Lying isn't good. Well, come on. A.

[Dave Damaschek]

If it's. Look, if I.

[Pia Zadora]

Don't f. With me. Listen to P. Don't F. With P.

[Dave Damaschek]

Don't F. With pa. Look, this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like a rental cell.

[Bald Brian]

Come on.

[Pia Zadora]

It always bites you when the frickin.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, they're gonna find out in this.

[Dave Damaschek]

Lying always sounds like a bad idea because we're discussing lying, which means you got caught lying. But think about all the great lies that have gone through historically where guys.

[Pia Zadora]

When you got a kid you can't.

[Dave Damaschek]

Talk about guys have gotten laid, they've gotten promotions. I mean, they've gotten to coaching gigs. I mean, there's also tons of great lies that have worked throughout history.

[Adam Carolla]

You're being brought up on murder, murder charges, manslaughter, right?

[Pia Zadora]

No, it's murder, murder, second degree.

[David Wild]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Second degree murder charges and watch just.

[Dave Damaschek]

A lot of court tv and they're asking.

[Pia Zadora]

I drive back and forth from Ellie and I listen to the news, but I'm always. It's always very interesting.

[David Wild]

Don't hate her because she's well informed.

[Pia Zadora]

Thank you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Hey, she's a news girl.

[Pia Zadora]

She knows she needs.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Dave Damaschek]

So she's been brought up on arson charges. Yes. Continue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and I completely lost my train of thought.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

You're being brought up on second degree murder charges and they're asking you your personal finances in order to set your bond. You're gonna lie about that, knowing that they have a way to find out?

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, the problem is knowing they have a way to find out is stupid.

[Pia Zadora]

He didn't even think along those lines.

[Dave Damaschek]

People commit crimes where there's video cameras in front of them and you know, and leave notes and have shopping lists of duct tape and stiletto and handcuffs and getaway car and bottom of the note says destroy note.

[Pia Zadora]

Right, right, right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Then it says over on the other side of it, and there's a pirate drawing.

[Adam Carolla]

Like they would have set the bond higher if they knew he had this money and he's going to get it back if he goes to trial.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[David Wild]

His lawyer was wonderful because he was interviewed today and he said something like, other than lying for the first thing they asked him. He's been a charming.

[Dave Damaschek]

If I was trying to avoid going to prison, I would. I would consider lying. But if I thought it was gonna make things worse, then. But that's part of being stupid, right? Not being stupid is not. It's not seeing consequences down the road.

[David Wild]

It seemed like the judge was mad at the wife as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Shelly.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[David Wild]

Mad at his wife, which I haven't seen.

[Dave Damaschek]

This wife, was she in Camp Beverly Hills or the different Shelley?

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. True.

[Pia Zadora]

She was the 10th.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Camp. Probably something.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's something. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like a weight loss camp. Speaking of Doritos, Locos Tacos.

[Dave Damaschek]

Do you say Locos or Locos?

[Adam Carolla]

Locos. Doritos. Locos Tacos is Taco Bell's most successful product launch ever. Sold 100 million times in the last 10 weeks. And previously the Crunchwrap was their most popular item. Most successful launch.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're going to be debuting new Doritos flavors like Cool Ranch and sponsoring.

[David Wild]

The Blues Traveler tour.

[Dave Damaschek]

I had a great conversation with the Taco Bell people about my book, as my book has their name in the title. And they're like, we'd like to get behind the book, us and our 150,000 associates, but we feel like the title is sort of not flattering to the Taco Bell image. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. I was saying Taco Bell like it was, you know, the Harvard.

[David Wild]

You were aspiring. You were aspiring.

[Dave Damaschek]

This isn't a joke about me. This Is not a joke on you. This is a joke on me. It was a tough sell, but I think we might. I think we might come together because later on I spoke. Why are you making that face? Talking to Mike. Yeah. No, I'm not saying anything that didn't happen. We'll see if we can do it or not. But it was a funny conversation. Yeah.

[David Wild]

Well, if I can just say from the outside point of view, I feel Taco Bell should get on this train.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yes.

[David Wild]

This is an important train for them. This is. And it's not.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't.

[David Wild]

I never heard that as negative. You wanted to work there.

[Dave Damaschek]

I did.

[David Wild]

It was a dream of every young man.

[Dave Damaschek]

It still is a goal.

[David Wild]

It's like you're Martin Luther King now.

[Pia Zadora]

You've lost all your credibility.

[Dave Damaschek]

It is. It is my Martin Luther King moment. That's right. Trying to get the gig at the Taco Bell. But it was an interesting discussion and we will continue it and I'll keep you guys posted. But either way, I did talk to the Taco Bell people.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you know that inmates at Guantanamo are tortured by being forced to listen to Sesame street songs?

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, really? I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

You might have thought it was just Metallica or System of a Down or, like, really loud music, but it's not. It's Sesame street music. This came out recently.

[Dave Damaschek]

I would have thought it'd be either reggaeton, although I think they're actually wired to like that kind of music. Actually, it's interesting. I'm gonna have to work that out. I gotta check my sort of racist music chart and see how that all works out. Or the soca, which is the retarded nephew of reggaeton. But the. Anything that's made for kids and repetitive is going to be bad. Oh, I think the, you know, would really kill him. If I find the Caillou song. There's a Caillou song? Caillou is Caillou's one. When you have kids, you'll. You'll go into this whole world of shit where you just get disgusted because you will end up watching. Like, you'll end up watching more Caillou. Then you watch your favorite show because you'll end up sitting with your kids and your kids will want to watch Caillou and you'll end up, like, laying in bed with them because you're a shitty, apathetic parent. And the next thing you know, you watch.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like a good parent, actually.

[Dave Damaschek]

Seven hours of Caillou. Now, Good parent would be working on, like, the times tables or flip Cards or something like that.

[David Wild]

If I can make a suggestion for parents out there, the way to avoid that is I couldn't stand the kids stuff like this.

[Dave Damaschek]

Whenever you look at. By the way, if you ever see the color palette and no Mexicans, you know, comes out of Canada. That's how you know it comes out of Canada. You see no Mexicans and a weird color palette. Like car. Car wheels are green and red and stuff like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pia Zadora]

Look, a little white bread.

[David Wild]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

And the mom will be a little fat too. That's will be how, you know, comes.

[Ace]

Out of Canada because a lot of balding going on.

[Dave Damaschek]

We draw our chicks the way we'd like to fuck em. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the more, you know.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, that's me.

[David Wild]

The way to avoid. The way to avoid that Ace. For the future.

[Dave Damaschek]

For the future. Yeah.

[David Wild]

You gotta switch kids quickly to like songs by groups that you like that are their worst songs that kids would like. Like Yellow Submarine. You gotta go find each. Every band has one or two juvenile songs. But it's Beach Boys. Yeah, go Bob ran.

[Dave Damaschek]

Go to the little group called Thin Lizzy's songs called Jailbreak. Kids love Jailbreak by Thin Lizzie. Love them.

[Pia Zadora]

My husband's a cop, by the way.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, he is?

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

He is. He out there?

[Pia Zadora]

No, he's working.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's what.

[David Wild]

He's a Vegas cop, right?

[Pia Zadora]

Vegas cop. Well, I know he's where. He's working tonight, taking care of my son.

[Dave Damaschek]

Son, really?

[Pia Zadora]

Our son. Well, my son, but his son too.

[Dave Damaschek]

Does he know why Don King is your son's or is this another son?

[Pia Zadora]

There was another. Another son, another marriage, another era.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It was p. Was a condition of you guys having a kid that. That. That kid's godfather is not Don King?

[Pia Zadora]

No, we didn't have a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Pia Zadora]

This was from another marriage.

[Dave Damaschek]

Bob Arum as this guy stepped down or. Okay, that's the joke. Yeah. But if you look it up, you'll laugh.

[David Wild]

That killed in Ring magazine.

[Dave Damaschek]

You'll look up Burt Sugar. God rest you wherever you are left laugh somewhere wherever Bert Sugar was. Yeah. Bob Arms Fairest promo.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Tip it, cunt. Rainbows. Rainbows.

[Dave Damaschek]

That was the news. You're not Lindsay, are you?

[Pia Zadora]

Lindsay Rosen?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not.

[Pia Zadora]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'd like to know more.

[Dave Damaschek]

Maxim Digital, by the way. Www.maxim.com digital. It's like having the magazine on your own computer. It's exactly like having the magazine on your own computer. Were you ever in any of that Maxim stuff.

[Pia Zadora]

P. What Maxim stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Eh?

[Dave Damaschek]

You know that magazine where they got the chicks, you know, running around in the bathing suits?

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

They ever toss you in that stuff? Mm. Love to see that.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah, that I was doing. I was promoting my films.

[Dave Damaschek]

The 2000s.

[Pia Zadora]

Was in the COVID of Penthouse promoting Lonely lady and something in Playboy, but with stills from the picture.

[David Wild]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

Tasteful.

[Pia Zadora]

You can probably Google it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[David Wild]

Mm.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why don't we do that now? Put me in the mood. 2012 Hot 100. By the way, the top layers, too. Oh, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a strategically placed score.

[Ace]

There it is.

[Pia Zadora]

That was quick.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, yes. My guys are quick in there. There it is. Piazzadora, nude and naughty. See, I don't even need the naughty part.

[David Wild]

See, it was perfect for me because Sid Vicious was also on the mention of the COVID So that was my cover story for why I bought the COVID story.

[Dave Damaschek]

And by the way, you had me at nude. Don't even need the naughty part now, man. Yep. Maxim. Maxim. Www.maxim.com digital. And they have exclusive bonus content, by the way, if you subscribe. So you got to tell them where you heard it and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I see it.

[Dave Damaschek]

You see it? Oh, there. That's what I'm talking about.

[Pia Zadora]

Yeah, that's the Tong bathing suit.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Oh, so that was. That was from can or can or whatever we're calling it.

[Pia Zadora]

However you say it.

[Dave Damaschek]

What is it now? Is it can or is it can?

[Pia Zadora]

It's can. They say can. I think it sounds better when you say con.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm.

[Pia Zadora]

The friends say con, so. Or can.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, well, I'm pro that can.

[Pia Zadora]

Well, you say P, I say a. What the hell?

[Dave Damaschek]

Now.

[Pia Zadora]

Now.

[Dave Damaschek]

What'd they do, tell you to get in that bathing suit and just go sit by the pool?

[Pia Zadora]

I was trying to have a nice frolic in the water, and they were.

[Adam Carolla]

Irritating me more than that bathing suit was. That was uncomfortable.

[Pia Zadora]

Very funny, David Wild.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is there a picture of you in a bathing suit similar to that?

[David Wild]

A couple frolicking moments.

[Dave Damaschek]

I don't feel like you've ever frolicked.

[David Wild]

As a rule, Jews don't frolic.

[Dave Damaschek]

Jews don't frolics.

[David Wild]

We go to the Israeli army, and.

[Pia Zadora]

There you go, you follow. We frolic, you frolic.

[David Wild]

We schmitz.

[Dave Damaschek]

You fight and you frolic. That's weird. I'm trying to think of the. What do you think of the. What culture might do the most frolicking? I feel like the Greeks could frolic. Whoever's on Fire island, there could be some frolicking there. Lots of frolic. In there.

[David Wild]

I think a lot of Swedes brood and then frolic.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's like wrapping in rapid frolic.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like some kind of English supper dish.

[Dave Damaschek]

Brood and frolic. Yeah, it does.

[Pia Zadora]

That's funny.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah. Don't overcook Legal Zoom. Oh, no one wanted to talk about this, but I hope Richard Dawson had a will. He's got a lot of turtleneck sweaters to leave behind. Yes, parents, you got to get that will together. You got to take care of. Otherwise the man's going to come in and take all those burnt orange sweaters and medallions.

[David Wild]

The most. The most leisure suits that have ever gone into probate.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's right. That's right. So you want to take care of it, huh? How about you take care of it? How about you go to legalzoom legalzoom.com protect that family for the last will and or the living trust. Just a few minutes on legalzoom.com to complete your will or living trust protects you, your family, your assets. Like the aforementioned Dickies and Medallions. That sounds like a good 60s band right there.

[Pia Zadora]

Dickies.

[David Wild]

There were the Dickies.

[Dave Damaschek]

I played the bass with the Dickies. And the Medallions.

[David Wild]

And there were the Medallions.

[Adam Carolla]

Medallions.

[Dave Damaschek]

The swinging double shot of My Babies Love.

[David Wild]

And the Dickies were punk rock fan for that. That's a great tour.

[Dave Damaschek]

Dickie should tour with the Medallions. Oh, that'd be a big argument. Who opens first? Listen, dude, the medallion goes over the Dickey. So obviously we close.

[Bald Brian]

Brought to you by Legal Zoom.

[Dave Damaschek]

Wills starting at just 69 bucks.

[David Wild]

Oh, yeah, you should have seen the fight when Bread toured with the Peanut Butter Conspiracy. That was an ugly, ugly down the pooh.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're going too far, David. Excellent. 69 bucks. And by the way, accepted in all 50 states. Plus you get the LegalZoom's $50,000 guarantee. And Dawson hit it. LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services at your direction. Save even more by typing Adam in the referral box at checkout. Take a few minutes today to protect your family. For wills, trusts, and more, go to legalzoom.com all right, I want to thank David Wild for coming in here. You can Twitter him at Ah, Wild about music. There he is. Whose heels you nipping at?

[David Wild]

I'm still trying for Rick Springfield, but it's. I really need your help.

[Dave Damaschek]

But you passed Richard Dawson now no Rick Astley. Oh, okay. Headed towards Rick Perry and huffingtonpost.com DavidWild Brad Paisley's book, Of course. Diary of a Player out in paperback as we speak. Pia Piazadora live shows July 27th and 28th Smith Center Las Vegas website Piazadora.com and you can Twitter her at official Piaz. I like that. So until next time, this is Adam Perona for Piazzadora, David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Bo Brian Sand. Mahalo.

[Pia Zadora]

Lets get naked in smoke.

[Bald Brian]

That was Adam Corolla show 838.

[David Wild]

That does it for this weekend's Kroll Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend.

[Bald Brian]

For three all new installments.

[Dave Damaschek]

Until then, mahalo and get it on. Here at the Zebra. Research shows the average person would rather endure a root canal than search for auto and home insurance.

[Pia Zadora]

Just try to relax, okay?

[David Wild]

Or be trapped in a car for.

[Dave Damaschek]

Eight hours with toddlers on a sugar high. Or remove a nest of irate hornets. That's why the Zebra searches for you.

[David Wild]

Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find.

[Dave Damaschek]

Savings no one else can compare. Today at the zebra. Com we do the searching, you do the saving. I think I'll wait inside.