Bai Ling + Zane Buzby (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show "Classics": Bai Ling + Zane Busby

Episode Date: December 26, 2025
Podcast: Adam Carolla Show (PodcastOne / Carolla Digital)
Clips from:

• Bai Ling interview (Episode #672, 2011)
• Zane Busby interview (Episode #685, 2011)
• On the road with Mike Lynch & Mike August (Episode #717, 2011)

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Episode Overview

This "Corolla Classics" episode revisits standout segments from Adam Carolla’s long-running podcast, focusing on Adam's candid and comedic interviews with actress Bai Ling, humanitarian Zane Busby, and extended on-the-road banter with his crew. The show explores personal stories about sobriety, cultural identity, show biz, humanitarian work, and everyday absurdities—all with Carolla’s trademark irreverence.

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1. Bai Ling: Sobriety, Identity & Showbiz (00:55–46:31)

Discussion Highlights

First Impressions & Stereotypes

• Adam reminisces about first meeting Bai Ling, noting her unique energy and asking about sobriety and drug stereotypes—particularly with Asian Americans.
  • Bai Ling: "When you see a white dude or a black dude or a Mexican dude who's nutty, you go 'drugs.' But when you see an Asian who's nutty, you go, 'That chick's nutty.'" (01:48)

Journey into Sobriety

• Bai Ling discusses her participation in "Celebrity Rehab" and her experiences with alcohol and drugs upon moving to the U.S.
• Shares that growing up in China and joining the military at 14 exposed her to drinking early.
  • "I think anybody in this world, their duty or their mission is to be the most brilliant magic of who you are." (16:10)

Childhood Trauma & Healing

• Bai Ling opens up about the pain of sexual abuse in the military, the shame and confusion it created, and her process of healing during rehab.
  • "What I learned is so powerful: to admit it... and still be so proud of who you are... as I am who I am." (13:19)
• Explores differences in understanding and discussing abuse in Chinese culture.
  • "Sometimes, like, the rape, all of that, I don't know what's the concept until later on I learned." (14:16)

Cultural Perspective & Aspirations

• Reflects on her family’s hardships during the Cultural Revolution and the contrast between parental expectations and grandparental love.
• Adam and Bai Ling discuss the differences between Eastern and Western cultures, with Bai Ling aspires to be a "bridge" between the two.
  • "If you scare of China and you will be scared, they will scare you because you have fear. What about if you embrace China?" (40:04)

World Peace & Notable Encounters

• Tells a surreal story of being invited to speak alongside the Dalai Lama and Muhammad Ali at a world peace panel.
  • "A couple years ago... they just ask for you." (17:54)
• Adam jokes about the randomness of such gatherings, and Bai muses on the power of individual influence.

Music, Fun & Being Sober

• Promotes her single, "Rehab," which is about having fun sober, recounting the challenges and rewards of remaining alcohol-free at events and festivals.
  • “You can have great time and fun being sober.” (25:04)

Reflecting on Past Behaviors

• Shares regret over how substance abuse shaped her public image in Hollywood and her drive to now present herself as respectful and elegant.
  • "I was not as elegant as I should be... I become the shadow of the image... I'm so much better, so much more alive." (34:20)

Lighthearted Banter: Cookies & “Cheesecake Bit”

• Bai and Adam riff on roleplay around cheesecake and cookies as metaphors for temptation and lifestyle, resulting in playful cultural exchanges and insights into business ideas.
  • "You have a day and night." (45:02 – referring to their imaginary cookie line)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On Substance Use and Stereotyping:
  • Adam: “When you see a white dude or a black dude...you go drugs. But when you see an Asian who's nutty, you go, that chick's nutty.” (01:48)
• On Resilience:
  • Bai Ling: “It's okay to fall and also it's okay to get up and to challenge yourself, to admit it and to move forward and still be so proud of who you are...” (13:19)
• On Cultural Change:
  • Bai Ling: “China...is like a middle-aged man...walking towards the horizon, towards the sunlight. That's China. It's great hope and we're in the process...” (40:31)
• On Sober Living:
  • Bai Ling: “You can have great time and fun being sober.” (25:09)
• On Showbiz Self-Image:
  • Bai Ling: “I become the shadow of the image, the Hollywood machine... I'm so much more alive, so much richer, so much more loving and giving and sophisticated than that.” (34:20)

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2. Zane Busby: Humanitarian Work, Hollywood & Absurdity (69:20–101:15)

Discussion Highlights

The Survivor Mitzvah Project

• Zane Busby, comedy director, shares her pivot to creating the Survivor Mitzvah Project, supporting Holocaust survivors in Eastern Europe still living in poverty.
  • "There are Holocaust survivors in their 80s and 90s living in terrible conditions... And we go back, like, Christmas Day. I'm going to go back to Latvia, nice and warm, and I'm going to distribute the money we raise." (69:26-70:57)

Hollywood, Religion, and Generational Disconnects

• Adam riffs on Hollywood's shifting attitudes toward Israel and Judaism with trademark bluntness and satire.
  • "Whenever you get knee deep into any religion, you're just a fucking idiot to me. And you get what you get." (71:03)
• Zane talks about researching the Valley Girl archetype for "Up in Smoke," recounting stories about LA nightlife in the 1970s and 80s.

Comedy & Cult Film Legacy

• Anecdotes from sets of Cheech & Chong, “Spinal Tap,” and others, highlighting the wild creativity and excess of 1970s/80s filmmaking ("sweet spot: pre-AIDS, mid-Coke").
• Extended appreciation for “Spinal Tap” and its influence on the mockumentary genre.
  • Adam: “Spinal Tap is the best.” (84:41)

Brutal Realities of Eastern Europe

• Zane describes challenges in countries like Latvia, Lithuania, and Ukraine, where survivors have little support, and local history is twisted or repressed.
  • “They're crazy countries... lots of murdering and very bad blood went on there...” (86:55)
  • Ukrainian towns naming parks after historic murderers, grappling with collective memory. (88:41)

Absurdity, Privilege & "Sane Country Summits"

• Adam fantasizes about global summits of “not-crazy countries,” mocking international inanity and dictatorships.
  • "I really want to have a meeting of these sane countries...some of it involves...Predator drone related stuff. And we just start fucking taking out these nut jobs." (90:16)

Supporting the Cause

• Details for listeners on how to support the Survivor Mitzvah Project and watch a trailer for the project.
  • "Go to Survivor Mitzvah. It's survivormitzvah.org and you can click to donate." (95:10)

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3. Mike Lynch & Mike August: Road Show Banter (101:33–167:12)

Discussion Highlights

Hilarious Car Talk & Rants

• Adam, Lynch, and August drive from Sacramento to LA, with sarcastic commentary on 80s radio playlists, rental car gripes, and low-speed driving etiquette.

Audience Q&A Segments

• Topics range from Adam’s take on flathead screws (66:52), peeing in the sink (59:41), hockey fandom (104:51–107:44), and paranormal experiences (160:15–166:25).
• Philosophical musings on privilege, ambition, societal narratives—contrasting the “American dream” with global poverty (121:21–126:22).

Personal Stories

• Adam recounts difficult family dynamics, dealing with a bipolar mother-in-law, and reflecting on childhood and comedy inspiration.
  • “With people who need to be on meds, they’re the only people on the planet who don’t think they should be on meds.” (118:12)
• Revisits fan stories of following his advice, starting new careers (121:21).

Sex, Marriage, and Family Life

• Advice and jokes about keeping romance alive with young kids at home.
  • “I do not want to horrify my kids by exposing them to the back of my sack.” (156:16)

Guns, Motorcycles, and Masculinity

• Musings on American gun culture, masculinity, and why shooting doesn't appeal to Adam as much as vintage racing.
  • “I guess for me, as a guy who's not a fan of power... I don't like having that power.” (146:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Sane Countries:

“We get all the sane countries together. We come up with a plan... and we just start... taking out these nut jobs.”
— Adam Carolla (90:16)

On Sobriety and Self-Respect:

“I'm daring to write the lyrics, the music... to show your talent and your light. Everybody has.”
— Bai Ling (23:32)

On Survivor Guilt and Direct Action:

“There are still Holocaust survivors out there... If you were too young... you can do something now.”
— Zane Busby (96:56)

On the Absurdities of American Life:

“I do not want to horrify my kids by exposing them to the back of my sack.”
— Adam Carolla (156:43)

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Section Timestamps

• Bai Ling Interview: 00:55–46:31
• Zane Busby Interview: 69:20–101:15
• On the Road with Mike Lynch & Mike August: 101:33–167:12

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Summary Takeaway

This "Carolla Classics" is a rollercoaster of candid revelations, biting satire, and the absurdities of both celebrity and everyday life. From Bai Ling’s vulnerable honesty about trauma and recovery to Zane Busby’s crusade for Holocaust survivors, to the crew’s goofy road trip, the throughline is resilience, empathy, and relentless humor. Whether tackling major societal issues or the microaggressions of a bad 80s playlist, Adam Carolla and his guests bring insight, irreverence, and warmth. These segments underscore why fans return for the show’s unique mix of comedy and depth—even when discussions shift from the Great Wall to the great mystery of left lane douchebags.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics which you can find exclusively through podcast one the entire ad free archive, every single episode. And if you like the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics adamcorla.com now on to the clips. Coming up first today we have Adam Carolla show 672 Adam and Bai Ling one on one. It's an insane episode from 2011. Hope you guys enjoy.

[B]

Term.

[C]

All right, Bai Ling, you know what?

[B]

I remember you.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

I remember your orange bright chair, sofa I'm sitting on and bright color. And you have. I always remember you're very smart.

[C]

Oh, you do.

[B]

And very funny and very free. And I remember the train you asked me last time if I remember. Somehow I was taking a train.

[C]

Yeah, well, last time I saw you, I don't think you were sober.

[B]

Yeah, maybe. Did I remember right? Everything.

[C]

You seem pretty lucid, but I thought you were nutty. But some people are just nutty. You don't know if they're high nutty or nutty nutty. There's a couple different kinds you may have been. See, I always thought you were just. And you are a free spirit and I always thought you were just way out there. But I never thought drugs. I don't know why. I think it's an Asian stereotype.

[B]

Yes, I, I.

[C]

When you see a white dude or a black dude or a Mexican dude who's nutty, you go drugs. But when you see an Asian who's nutty, you go, that chick's nutty. See what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's a good thing. So sober now?

[B]

Yes, I'm sober.

[C]

How, how many? I'm trying to think of when you finished with Dr. Drew in a celebrity rehab, what's it been?

[B]

I think it's been probably like almost half year.

[C]

And what was your drug of choice?

[B]

Actually, when I came to United States, because in Asia I don't know where to get the drugs, probably I never really encounter with drugs, but I come to this country, I tried everything because I don't really understand and People just give to me. And I feel, you know, when you're young, you're in a new country, you try everything.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

But I did not know I was. I knew I was allergic to alcohol. I'm very sensitive to all the drugs.

[C]

It's an Asian enzyme thing Dr. Drew used to tell me about.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. It's built in. With Dr. Drew?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, we say hi. Yeah. We work together for 11 years.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

He never brought me up to you.

[B]

So you were his patient ever?

[C]

No. We did a radio show.

[B]

I see.

[C]

He was my patient.

[B]

I see.

[C]

I turned him into the. A hole. You see before him, before you. Yeah. Now, you see, that's an old picture.

[B]

Where was that? Breakfast.

[C]

It seems like we're at breakfast because there's coffee mug there. But we don't sign that many autographs at breakfast. I think it must have been at one of the colleges we were at. And I can tell because I'm wearing a watch and I don't wear a watch, but I do wear a watch on stage. So I know when we get to 90 minutes, and I know it's time to wrap it up and leave. So I'm guessing that's me and Dr. Drew back in the day at some college somewhere, signing autographs after a show. So, yeah, me. Me and Drew go way back.

[B]

What? I noticed two handsome men there.

[C]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

It's true.

[C]

Thank you. I like that you like the round eyes, as we call ourselves.

[B]

Well, I. I don't really. I see your eyes now. It's very shining in the light. But I think you're. You're a sensitive guy.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And. I don't know. Do you do drugs and alcohol?

[C]

No. Yes. Well, I do alcohol. I don't how much. I was thinking about this the other day because I was doing a few medical procedures. I had to get my knee operated on, as you can see.

[B]

What happened?

[C]

Just getting old. Skipping rope, you know, twisted something. Nothing big. Point is, is they do the thing where they go, do you drink? And then you realize you go, yeah.

[B]

You're not drinking and driving.

[C]

No, rarely. And then I go. They go, how often? And you go, see, what day is it? Tuesday, Wednesday, every day. And then you realize I rarely take a day off, but sometimes I end up drinking two times a day. And then it sounds like, Jesus Christ, you drink a lot. But I don't drink. Like, I'll put it to you this way. The whole time I did loveline with Dr. Drew, the show was on 10 to midnight, and I would get home at 12:30 in the evening every single night. And I would never touch a drop of alcohol before 12:30 in the evening. And then after 12:30, I would drink a couple glasses of wine. And when I say couple, I mean two, three, sometimes four before you go to sleep. Yeah, but it would never be before, so never be like me standing around drunk at noon kind of a thing. Although, you know, if you want to go to Vegas after the show, I will crack a cold one when we get poolside. No doubt about that. So I would say, for me, I like alcohol, and I do not want to ruin my relationship with alcohol by straining it too much. I don't want to go nutting, climb up on the roof of the rehab center, or do anything like that. So I keep it to a sort of a. I don't call the minimum, but I keep a hold over it so it doesn't take a hold over me because I don't want to quit.

[B]

You're smart.

[C]

It's sort of like a guy. I don't know what it is.

[B]

You're, like, trying to fight. Find in the middle way that. Make yourself comfortable. You are not going any way extreme.

[C]

Well, let's just say you loved cheesecake.

[B]

I do.

[C]

Who doesn't? I'd like to find the asshole that doesn't like cheesecake and beat the shit out of them. I love cheesecake. I'll look if you want to help me look after the show, you and I just wandering through the streets. Cheesecake. You like cheesecake? Yeah. Fine. Okay, moving on. Moving on. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Get back here. You know anyone who doesn't like cheesecake? And then the guy would be like, not off the top of my. And then I backhand him, and you scream, don't lie to me, bitch.

[B]

Okay, let's do that.

[C]

You want to try that?

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Want to try a little role playing?

[B]

Don't lie at the bitch.

[C]

No, it's. You know, maybe I'll handle the dialogue, but you beat my muscle. You know, I'll say. I'll say. So I grabbed the guy by the collar, and I go, do you know anyone who likes. Do you know anyone who doesn't like cheesecake? And he goes, no, everyone I know likes cheesecake. And you chime in, what should I do? I'm pointing at you.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

Don't lie to me, bitch. I write. When I point, that's what you say. But you say with a lot of authority you're an actress.

[B]

Yeah, I say that already.

[C]

No, no, but come on. You're Just going through the size.

[B]

I'm not comfortable with the word bitch.

[C]

You don't like it?

[B]

I think it's kind of mean to an industry.

[C]

No, this is a dude.

[B]

Oh, it's a dude.

[C]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

He called bitch.

[C]

That's the. See, that's. Why.

[B]

Is he gay or something?

[C]

I'm not sure. Okay, you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

No, I'm not ready.

[C]

All right, but when I. Okay.

[B]

Should I play along with you?

[C]

Play along. Find your place. Have you found that. Have you gotten to that space yet? You're a great actress.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I've seen you in many movies. You know that?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, so when I cue you.

[B]

I'm not sure I'm in the game with you.

[C]

All right, how about don't. How about don't lie to me, dude.

[B]

Don't lie to me, dude. Okay.

[C]

Or how about dude, don't lie to me?

[B]

All right.

[C]

All right, you ready? I'll cue you, though. All right. Do you know anyone who doesn't like cheesecake? No. No, I don't.

[B]

Dude, don't like me.

[C]

Oh, see, that's good. Cause it's quiet and more menacing. See, I go over the top, but you're right. That's a quieter. That's someone who's packing heat. You know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I can't be the same as you. You're a guy.

[C]

No, I like that. It's a good. You know what? You made a good choice. Thank you. They call that. All right. Bai Ling. I should tell people that Bai Ling has a song out. She has a single out. It's called Rehab. It's available on itunes as we speak. It's a song about people having fun when they're show sober and not intoxicated. And have you found yourself having fun since you've been sober?

[B]

Yeah. Can I tell you a little bit about my history with alcohol then?

[C]

I would love to hear about it.

[B]

Actually, I encountered with alcohol when I was really young, like five. So my father drink a little bit almost every day before a dinner, have alcohol. Like Chinese white wine is like 40, 60% of alcohol.

[C]

So it's strong.

[B]

Very strong. But he'll use the chopstick to dip it and let me test it. But I am extremely, extremely allergic to the. The chemistry in alcohol. So my face immediately become red. Not my face, my whole body.

[C]

That's what Drew tells me all the time. Yeah, not about you, just about Asian enzyme alcohol.

[B]

So at that time, I was in school, I was very skinny and very pale, and all the girls have red Cheeks, they're always envious of them look so pretty. So when I drink, when I have little alcohol, I look like that's a flush.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like, wow, this is amazing. So I started to like alcohol, which can somehow twisted me in a way that I wanted to. How do you say it's like a fantasy world of me or make me feel differently because I'm kind of a high. Then I feel things are more happier colors more brighter to me. So then when I was in the army in the People's Liberation army in The Tibet that's 14.

[C]

We drink same here.

[B]

We just drink like bottom up like with the soldiers. But I cannot tell. But we had to like the dinner. Only few women with a lot of leaders. We just drink, drink.

[C]

Well, how did you get into army?

[B]

First of all, you, you'll be surprised. I was really, really attracted to the uniform. I think as a female wearing that uniform. How cool is that?

[C]

Sure.

[B]

So just like basically innocence of. That's where probably I developed my style by something like I picture myself in. It's almost like I myself my little toy. I'm playing with it.

[C]

Do you guys have good uniforms? I mean, no offense, but Chinese uniforms.

[B]

Well, it's nice. Compared to, to a lot of the things we can buy from a store, this is stand out like something unique.

[C]

I'm just saying you're Nazi. Nazis had real nice. Ooh, wait a minute.

[E]

I'm looking at a picture there.

[B]

That's almost like a flying tent.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Not really a uniform.

[C]

That looks nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. You know what? Takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. And I'm gonna get Dawson to come in here and do that in just a couple few minutes. So you, you go anyway.

[B]

So I, I, I discovered. But I always give me a courage to, to obey or to do things that I would sense. I'm very sensitive. My sense will not judge it because I'm of alcohol. So. But I always in that state of mind that I basically in the celebrity rehab, I review that part of experience or this wounded child.

[E]

I saw that part.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, you say or seem to intimate that you were sexually abused by the older generals and older higher ranking officers when you were a young girl or at least inappropriately touched. Inappropriately dealt with not in a professional manner.

[B]

Yeah, that's something I want to. You know, because where I stand, where I came from, it's very, I have to make it very clear because I came from China. That's the country, the culture that I love. I grew up with whatever the beauty I have, I inherited from culture as something from my land. So I don't want anything like a lot of the press come out. I don't want anything offended my government, I am. I am aiming it. It just not blame me. I'm not blamed to anybody or even myself. It's to the men, individual men. Not the government, not the army.

[C]

Well, no, I mean, it's the same thing we have here to a certain degree, where rapists are rapists and pedophiles are pedophiles and they get thrown in prison. But you should not go to Universal Studios because some guy got thrown in prison for rape 20 years ago. In every society, there's going to be a degree of that. But this was the military, which is a little bit different.

[B]

Yeah. But at that time, like, to me, like a military, it's all about men. It's men. So what I basically, what I learned myself, it's. I don't know, I'm kind of lost. Is it strange?

[C]

No. Feels weird to me too. But I like it feels good, you know?

[B]

Anyway, so what I learned is like that part of my life always shadows me and I don't know, probably a lot of time I use alcohol to cover myself, to cover that. That painful memory of secret I always hold within me.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

I was not never daring to share, to be honest or to have the courage to share with people until I come to the survey rehab, which what I learned is so powerful to admit it. Your faults and your innocence. You don't know to admit it. That little child in you that was abused and was hurt and suffered. But what I learned is to. It's okay to fall and also it's okay to get up and to challenge yourself, to admit it and to move forward and still be so proud of who you are as. As I am who I am. So that's what I learned to be.

[C]

So you had a lot of shame.

[B]

No, you didn't have shame? I think it's something. I'm not sure what it was.

[C]

All right. But it wasn't secret.

[B]

No, it's not. I don't even understand shame. I think it's something I don't know how to really. It's hurt and it's shuttle that I never know how to look at it.

[C]

In your former culture, is there more.

[B]

You know, I want to share something with you. Maybe you don't even think that way when you don't understand sex, you don't understand relationship and you don't know what it is Like I share with Dr. Chu what is abusive, what is all of that. I have no concept of what is correct way, right? So that's even more and more twisted in me because I don't know what is correct way. So I'm reluctant to share because I don't know how I supposed to feel. But for me sometimes like the rape, all of that, I don't know what's the concept until later on I learned. But it's adjustment. I'm just using my brain and then how I feel at that time, soberly in my heart.

[C]

Why join at age 14? That seems very young.

[B]

Maybe I will share a little bit secret. Because at that time, my parents in the Cultural Revolution I never really understand, never really asked them. And my family wasn't really happy. They eventually divorced, which is a shadow on me too. I don't understand. I think a lot of to do with the politics and because they're in their professors in a university and they're. They're punishing kind of intellectuals, you know.

[C]

And China was punishing intellectuals Cultural Revolution.

[B]

So I did not really understand. So in my house, it's not. It's not really sometimes very sad. And when we had New Year's then, then they were my father and mother. Sometimes they're, they're. They're not in the same group. There's no food, no nothing. Like us, just in the kitchen and crying and there's no food and cold. And other people are happy, right? So we were, we were just there and kind of lost. That's part of a. I grew up basically with my grandparents. That's why I had the most love. Because I think the parents, they want their children to be who they are or their dreams are. But grandparents just indulging, be who you are.

[C]

Why? And it seems so far so different from our culture, the Chinese culture. What got you out here into the United States?

[B]

The purest, the free spirit of soul. I want to fly. I want to see the world. I want to see the truth. I want to have the joy. I want to be who I am. I think anybody in this world, their duty or their mission is to be the most brilliant magic of who you are. No matter who you are, no matter how the other people view you. But you are your magic. That's something I want to be. I want to be who I am. Regardless how you look at me, how you think of me. It's my gift give to you.

[C]

How would you change China if you could change China?

[B]

I think China luckily is changing now and then with all of us even we're sitting talking now and all of the energy together. If you send up, you know, I was one time with Muhammad Ali and Dalai Lama and in Indiana Nepalis talking about the word peace.

[C]

We were to TGI Fridays outside of Muncie. But yeah, I was with those dudes too once.

[B]

Yeah, it's from within and the peace from within. You know, today it's like Stephen Jobs.

[C]

Stephen Jobs, Yes.

[B]

I'm talking about how amazing one individual can be so magically powerful, influence the world and change the world. Touch people's lives and make their life so much better, beautiful and richer and without us knowing him. So that's an individual power. I think if we process, if you have that thoughts that believe in you, you shine the lights, you help others. Like your show, like what I'm doing, like all other people. Don't laugh, don't be sarcastic. It's true in a way. Self deprecating life.

[C]

Not sarcastic, not a reflection on you, more just my low self esteem.

[B]

Why?

[C]

I grew up with the Caucasian version of your parents. You spoke on a panel on world peace with Muhammad Ali and the Dalai Lama. When was that?

[B]

A couple years ago.

[C]

How does that work? Did they call you? Do you call them? Do you have your publicist call them?

[B]

No, I got a call from a publicist I don't even know. And they said, bailing, we want you to go somewhere. I said, where? I cannot even learn Indian. Annapolis. And I said, Nepalese?

[C]

Yes, Indianapolis.

[B]

Anyway, so I got the call, I said, yeah, where is it? With the Dalai Lama and Muhammad Ali talk about world peace. I was kind of, why me? He said, well, I don't know. They just ask for you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think it is something I learned.

[C]

Jennifer Aniston couldn't make it, but I don't think so. Okay.

[B]

I think in life, you know, sometimes the questions may not have answer. Now I'm more and more simple. I don't want answer, I don't seek an answer. I'm just there to take the mission in order.

[C]

What was it like hanging out with Dalai Lama? The Dalai Lama, did he get drunk? Did he come onto you? What happened?

[B]

Actually, I want to share with you, please. Muhammad Ali is funny because he can. His daughter was there, how do you say? Reciting a poem for him. And he wrote it. Yeah. So he was funny. He did not talk much about. He said Bai Ling. Before he get to the car, he said, come over here. He won't take me to his car. Kind of like picking me up like he's funny. So remember that moment is kind of an innocence, mischievous like funny man. So that, that light in him.

[C]

Did he do a magic trick for you?

[B]

Yeah, he's like picking me up, trying to get me over there.

[C]

Was he hitting on you?

[B]

I'm just jokingly. I think he liked me because.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, because. Yeah. Why not? He's a man.

[B]

He's a man. So Dalai Lama because it's very sensitive to talk about him because they're China issue. That's something larger than me, more difficult, more, more complicated than my comprehension. I don't want to get into the politics. I think politics are not very clean.

[C]

Well, what's going on with Tibet?

[B]

Tibet, actually, I lived there for three years. I think it's not really black and white. There's a lot of areas like I learned about Tibet. It's not part of China. Only when I landed in United States. For me, where I grew up, Tibet is always part of us. So where I live, the town, you have fighter to Tibet. I was there, like in our armies we have Tibetan soldiers. All of that. It's really, really friendly. Everybody together and. And to serve the purpose of being helping and peace and protect the beauty of the land of the religion. That's what I experienced for that three years. Really great fan. So in, in my, in my perspective, it's just, you know, you know how I change the world. If I have a power, I change the world. I will demolish all the countries because countries create violence, boundaries, wars, all of that. Because the ownership people fighting for that. Yeah, but if without the bunches, we're just all brothers, sisters, there's no. Then a lot of issues were dissolved or resolved or disappeared naturally.

[C]

Well, I feel that way about everyone in their groups. Even when it's a prideful thing. Like, hey, we're going to have this pride Parade and we're going to have that Pride Parade and we're going to have all those parades.

[B]

Yeah, but you do not sort of pride parades. When you have that, you have a door, you disconnect other people from the other group that's already created something creative.

[C]

I'm just saying you can just be an American, in my opinion. And I don't need the Chinese American or the African American or the anything put.

[B]

We're the best human beings in the world. We're living in the universe. We're living freely in the universe.

[C]

I'm going micro, you're going macro. But I'm on the same page. I don't like all the division you create A border. Next thing you know, you have to put a fence up at the border. And the next thing you know, you have to protect the border. And the next thing know, people are getting shot. I understand that. On the other hand, there are cultures who are ass wipes. And you can't let too many of them come over because they'll fuck your culture up. And I don't know what the problem is with that.

[B]

I still think that love is more powerful than war, than hatred, than all of us, all of the other things.

[C]

Right. But you got to tell that to Shiite Muslims and folks that want to blow up things.

[B]

I think I can tell like. Like my song Rehab. There's. You know, why I'm writing the song Rehab is an extension of the message from the rehab I learned. And mine is a successful story because I'm really sober. I'm guarding myself. I was in the San Sebastian Film Festival as a drew. Remember? Just like a week ago. Every day we have receptions of champagne. They serve you sure. I look at it. They gave it to me. I said, no. I said, give me something else. What do you want? I say, I want a Diet Coke or water. They say how boring you are. But it's like a challenge. And that's the information because I. Even today I was in a store, I was sending a fax. This lady said, I want to tell you all my associate how appreciate they are for you. I said, ask him to listen to my song. It's a message. It's like I'm giving a gift as a friend to you. So you hold on to the message. All of that's really a positive influence.

[C]

Is it? Is it better than Money Can't Buy a Class by the Real Housewives.

[B]

What does that mean?

[C]

You don't know that song?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Oh, by Ling. Oh, bye.

[B]

I don't know many, many songs there.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

No, I'm saying bye.

[C]

I'm saying leave.

[B]

I know sometimes I'm ignorant problem in my own.

[C]

You should know your competition.

[B]

I don't think there's competition. I think we are wearing our own gift. There's no. If you think you compete, you always lose. And there's no competition. To me, I'm just one of the unique gifts in my own skin in the universe. So like. Like I'm writing a song I never learned. I. Of course my father teaches composition. Like I play violin. People. I'm naturally musically inclined.

[C]

Inclined. Yeah.

[B]

So when writing a song, just. I'm. I'm also giving the message of courageous and Fearless in life to show your talent and your light. Everybody has. So I'm. I'm daring to write the lyrics, the.

[C]

Music you want to hear. You want to hear some Money can't buy a class.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is from. This is from the Countess, Luann, from. From the Desperate or from the Real Housewives. This is her important message that's being sent out to the universe. You know what I mean?

[B]

What is it?

[C]

Well, it's that money can't buy a class.

[D]

Money can't buy your class. Money can't buy your class.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Elegance is learned, my friends. Yeah, you're not born into elegance. Here's where it really kicks in. This is where my shirt comes off normally. I mean, you know, when I'm at the club, you know, if I'm at home, the shirts.

[B]

It's one of your favorite songs.

[C]

Well, I wouldn't say one of, but I. It's got my top five.

[B]

Who's your top five?

[C]

Well, there's this, and then there's the Barbie song, And then there's MacArthur Park.

[B]

You know, I haven't played song to you. My song. Maybe I will come to your top list.

[C]

Then there's Rehab by Bilingual, I'm sure. Yeah, we'll just let it pump until.

[E]

She gets the next.

[B]

Yeah, you know the message. I'm. I'm. I'm. S. Like, you can have great time and fun being sober.

[C]

Right? Because you don't need class that. Oh, no, wait a minute. Sorry. I'm mixing.

[B]

No, you don't need drugs and alcohol to have fun.

[C]

Right? Right.

[B]

You don't need drugs and alcohol. Have fun, but soberly, that's my message.

[C]

Yeah, I like that. I think there's.

[E]

All right.

[C]

Just give me a fucking headache. No, she's a hack. She's horrible. This song's horrible.

[D]

All right.

[C]

I was just kidding. This is bad. Don't ever do this. I mean, do your song, but don't do this. Don't, don't. Don't copy the Countess.

[B]

I don't do anybody's song by mine.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

I have the confidence to show who I am. That's my spirit. And that's why I'm here, I think.

[C]

Right. So what's. By the way, were you attracted to Dr. Drew?

[B]

Oh, I think he's very handsome.

[C]

Love with Dr. Drew? Yeah.

[B]

No, no, he's very smart. I like his style because he always keep you distant. Like, he always dressed up. He never shop otherwise in like. Like not with ties with suit on. He's very professional like the other doctors. I was asking about their personal life. They said, well, where doctors were here for you and they're not allowed you to get into their personal life, which is right. He learned. I learned something from him. You know what I learned? I learned from him, don't give people, I would say media the ammunition to trash you. So basically before I was under influence of alcohol, whatever craziness I was, but I was not guarding myself in the right track to show the best of me. That's something I learned from my experience being right being alcohol, just. Just crazy dancing and showing this part of side are not as elegant that I would like to. That's a wild side. So now I'm a new balance different. I want to present myself in the most respectful and elegant way.

[C]

Do you stay in touch with any of your housemates?

[B]

You know, funnily, when I get out of rehab and the first two days and first one week, I was really isolated from anybody. So they were reaching out to me. I was not talking to anybody, not calling anybody back. I was sleeping. Like sometime one day it was like I wake up. I thought it was 10am I had meeting. Then I said, why is so dark outside? I opened the window, it was dark. I look at it, 10pm wow. So I was kind of in a probably rebirth at that time to find myself other true self. So I was really isolated myself from a lot of things which I think is really good for me. Sometimes you need space to purify.

[C]

Where were you during that horribly uncomfortable picnic time where they were at the outdoor restaurant and.

[B]

Wow, I'm so glad you mentioned it.

[C]

Brought up the Long Island Lolita shooting somebody in the face and it was like they called the cops and I just couldn't believe it. Where were you when all that was going down?

[B]

When I was there, basically I have nobody with me. I was so, so sad. I was lost. I was sad. Basically I was in my own space and. And watching those chaos.

[C]

So you got to observe all that.

[B]

Yeah, I was feel kind of a. You know, unfortunately, in a way, like I. I don't know. Sometimes I see the show business is the show business on the surface, you know. And I don't really understand the whole production. Like for sure you didn't have any for the programming. No, I was.

[C]

So.

[B]

So you know what?

[C]

Next time you're in rehab, you're gonna visit.

[B]

I'm coming back. I'm not gonna be in rehab.

[C]

You know what? You're right. You're not afraid if I'm Swinging by.

[B]

You are in the rehab.

[C]

If I'm in rehab, could you come by and visit me?

[B]

Of course. All the time.

[C]

And what about when you got up on the roof? What was going through your mind then?

[B]

Well, that was mine.

[C]

That was awesome.

[B]

I cannot believe that was me. You know, it's like in a wardrobe and the shoes, it's like. Anyway, you know. You know, it's funny. It's the first time I view American Roof.

[C]

Never seen American Roof.

[B]

Never seen American Roof. I feel like a fresh air because in that house in the rehab, it's really smooth, suffocating you. Like, we're 24 hours. When I wake up in the morning, I wake up, there's cameras in me. I say, whoa, whoa. It's like they're. They're invading your space, right? And I feel like also, everybody's like. I feel like it's bubbling air around because everybody's open. Their heart, their wound, their. Their. Their every senses is kind of chaotic, right? So I was very kind of a. You know, I feel like I. I've never cried that much. I feel like I were having surgery. But in front of the people, it's kind of a tough time. Before they aired the show that my really tough one. When I confess, what's my problem? I was drip. I driven in LA. I was on the ocean until 4am I was terrified. I was terrified. It's really, like, easy for people to watch when we're there. It's so difficult because you're opening your heart, your wound, for the world to watch, and you don't know what's going to be out there.

[C]

How does it work? I know Drew well, and he's told me before about what the cast is and who the new cast members are. But how does it work? Do you reach out to them? Do they reach out to you? Does somebody in your circle reach out to them and say, Bai Ling's having a problem? How do you find out about it?

[B]

I didn't find out. That's. The experience confirmed to me that nature and there's more power than we naked.

[C]

But seriously. No, no, no.

[B]

Let me finish. Be patient with me.

[C]

All right, I'll be patient.

[B]

It's like somebody you. There's an angel watching, even for you, for everybody. Like, I did not reach out. They reach out to me. And I said, no, why did they.

[C]

Reach out to you?

[B]

And I was asking why. I think probably I'm kind of crazy. And in one of the magazines, newspapers.

[C]

They see you acting out.

[B]

Yeah. Seeing my acting all my Image, all of that. I think for whatever reason. And they think I have problem also for the show business. Probably I'm there for some craziness of color or something. But I refused. I said no for probably almost a month because my. My really representative were not supporting me and I was basically get onto the show on my own in the end that realized I need help because in my career and personal life, I sort of hit the bottom. I know I have problem if I don't help myself. I feel like I'm hitting the wall. Like not in your studio. Your studio is nice. Like there's no window. I don't see. I don't. I don't know where the air is. So I'm kind of a lost. So I thought maybe I'm such a adventurous in life and risk taker. I think maybe I should just challenge myself. See what I. I think that there's something different from me and other people, which I think people can learn maybe from. Like I'm like anybody else. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I have a lot of questions. But the difference. When I'm afraid of something, I'll find myself there. So I find myself there in the rehab to just to experience.

[C]

To push yourself toward those things as a challenge.

[B]

Yes. And come out great. Like the song rehab will never have if I'm not experiencing.

[C]

We should hear a little bit about that song I'm playing for you. Number two. Where are you now in the relationship department? Are you dating? Are you saying. I'm staying away from guys for a little bit.

[B]

You know what Dr. Zhu and Bob were told me. Tell me I should not date for. For a while. And I think I'm reveal something to you. I think before I was. I'm extremely passionate person.

[C]

Dr. Drew's passionate too.

[B]

Well, he has family. So I'm just saying, like with men, if somebody I like, if somebody like I'm so honest, I'm. I'm. I just show my heart. I'm. I'm all the way there. And sometimes that power, that passion is too much for people to take.

[C]

So I don't know that we call that horny here.

[B]

No, it's not horny. It's like it's not sober. I was not sober. Love. You know what I mean? I'm indulging that fire and burning like I'm in my life. Before I was not sober, but now I'm sober before. I'm always putting fire there that I'm trying to put it off.

[C]

So when you were. When you were not sober. You're saying you got hooked up with people and did things you did or didn't want to do.

[B]

Yeah, I was not as elegant as I should be. As the true biling soul and heart is and should be. This because I want. What I want to give is my gift of taking the challenging, courageous person as I'm come along to this country on my own. I did everything on my own. And also taking the chances and show people and what potential you can have or how much you can go or you don't go. So I'm basically display. And I'm just naked in every which level. I'm talking about in a more sophisticated way, not naked.

[C]

Yeah, I understand.

[B]

So to just basically to. To. To. To be that person on the front line for people to learn something. But it's really at pushing myself sometimes fun, you know, on the age of life pushing yourself. But I learned so much about like a dignity, respect, honor and also. And sober having fun. That's something I learned about myself. In that way I can have the ground, have the respect for directors and sophisticated, intelligent like filmmakers to see. You want to rely on me.

[C]

You want to go out and do some acting now, not go out.

[B]

That's my. That's my gift. I need to give. It's not for me to keep. And I do have that gift. Naturally I want to give. The only way people can trust me or rely on me and respect me is being me. Rely on myself. Respect myself.

[C]

So you think that the drinking hurt your career.

[B]

Yes, and made me accidentally innocently, I become this. I become the shadow of the image, the Hollywood machine. Sort of like make it that cartoon character that become Bai Ling. I'm suffering from that shadow. I am not. I'm so much better, so much more alive, so much richer, so much more loving and giving and sophisticated than that.

[C]

Now do you go out and. You know, actually I have to figure this out for a second. We need to take a quick break. I want to hear some of the song as well. But I also want to know just what the average day in the life of Bai Ling is. I want to know what goes on what you do. Get up in the morning, little tai chi in the park, or you're going out on auditions. I want to know how this is going to work and what your next project is, by the way. You want to talk about good chi Amazon, baby. See, the people listen to this show if they want to support the show and they're going to get something off Amazon. Well, you [e-mail] you hit the Amazon banner and powder.

[E]

We get a little love.

[C]

And again, that's just good chi. That's good vibes heading your way.

[B]

Also I want karma. Go to Amazon itunes to hear my song.

[C]

Wait a minute now we're talking about a yin and yang here, baby. Is that Chinese?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. What we're saying is is you want to hear biling song, you want to get it off of Amazon. Well, you click over AdamCarolla.com you hit the Amazon banner, boom, you get by Ling song. Boom. That's double. That's double power. That is. That is gang rape of good chi.

[B]

And also also can tell you something, your fans to go to my official biling.com now I learned all this social media like Twitter, Twitter at real biling to follow me. I'm sharing. I have cookies. Fat free, sugar free cookies on my Twitter.

[C]

Did you bring any of those?

[B]

You have to go to Twitter at rebuiling to test them.

[C]

Give me one.

[B]

All right, I will.

[C]

Life is unpredictable, friends. That's why you need go to my PC. Traffic jams, bad weather, sleet, hail, locusts, frogs. All the stuff in the Old Testament. That's right. It can come back to get you. And then you gotta stay at home. And how are you gonna get your work done at home? Because you can't get hold of your work computer. I'll tell you how. Go to my PC. Go to my PC by Citrix. That's right. Stay productive despite the unexpected. You see, I'm like a ninja. I expect the unexpected. As a matter of fact, I expected myself to say that. That's how hard I train. Connect to your office, Mac or PC from any computer. Or how about an iPad? Oh, what a time we're living in. Work on any file, use any program, or access your internal network. That's right. Do it from your home. Do it from the Starbucks. Do it from the airport. Do it from your girlfriend's house. That's right. You married fellows, I know what you're up to. Your office computer just a click away. No matter where you are. Never get busted by the boss again. You're taking care of business. So what if you're in a bar? Try go to my PC free today. That's right. Free 45 day free trial. Visit GoToMyPC.com click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam, quick break. Back with more Bai Ling next.

[B]

Thank you. Hey everybody.

[D]

I'm Lynette Carolla. I'm Stephanie Wilder. Taylor.

[C]

Check us out.

[B]

For crying out loud. Our new show, Go ACE Broadcast Network. Subscribe go to itunes.

[D]

Check us out.

[F]

For crying out Loud. With Lynette, Carolla and Stephanie Wilder. Taylor Every Monday only on the ACE Broadcasting Network.

[C]

Move over. Money can't buy a class. I have a new favorite dance song. That's right. Rehab by Ling.

[B]

So rehab and sober living, celebrating, Good, crazy.

[C]

Listen, it's better than that crappy Christian rock everyone has to listen to.

[B]

Much better.

[C]

So what now? First off, when you go back to China, how are you received?

[B]

I received very well. I've been going to go back to China quite often to see my parents. And I just did a movie in China. I was really very well received. And when I go to, you know, Chinese embassy to get a visa because they have. I'm American. I have American passport now. So when you have to get a visa. So the officers there, they took me to a little room like your studio. So I just like people walking like one after another. Just take a picture of me. They didn't ask me anything. I said, wow, this Great Wall. And behind me I said, what's going on? There is kind of a secretly scary.

[C]

Sometimes when you say the Great Wall, do you mean the Great Wall?

[B]

Great Wall and the picture of Great Wall?

[C]

Picture of the Great Wall of China.

[B]

So the Chinese people are more. Not as open as American. They're very modest, kind of. Sometimes they do things you can't really see through. So I was kind of. I said, why taking so many pictures? Like at least like 10, 20 people there. After I say, excuse me, what about my visa? They say, here you go. So my visa's ready. So they really. I think I should be the ambassador or the bridge between east and west, because I was born there, I lived here.

[C]

Well, we're scared of China right now, I think, because I think, we think, and we may be right, that they're going to take over.

[B]

If you scare of China and you will be scared, they will scare you because you have fear. What about if you embrace China? That's just part of your land. It's sort of like, I don't know, if you have girlfriend, marry your girlfriend or your wife, then become part of family. You will never be afraid of it. You'll be part of it. They will like you too. That's how make peace.

[C]

Is China doing all. I mean, I know China's doing well, but what are they? I feel like they need a little improvement in the human rights department.

[B]

Well, you know, China, like one time somebody asked me how do you view China? I said China basically is like a middle aged man or older, but in the morning just wake up and the window doors open and he's walking out and the sun is rising and he's walking towards the horizon, towards the sunlight. That's China. It's great hope and we're in the process. And I think China just, if you go there. Have you been there?

[C]

I was there last week.

[B]

Last week? You sure?

[C]

No, week before. Sorry.

[B]

Exciting.

[C]

No, I've never been there.

[B]

It's so exciting, so positive and a lot of things are going on. So exciting at the time. And it's history right now. China, it's positive things happen and it's like a lot of Americans business happening there. It's really, really open. So it's good. Really big improvement.

[C]

Big improvement from when you were.

[B]

From what you would imagine or from what it was before. It's really great. Hope and so excited.

[C]

And you think, you think the future is a good relationship between the United States and China?

[B]

Of course.

[C]

Oh, good.

[B]

I think now that, that I speak English, I speak Chinese, I think that I have a.

[C]

Have the world, you know, it's not bad. Yes.

[B]

I think China and us is just like, you know, husband and wife. It's a family.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then again, that's the way we need to think. It's a family. Then there's no fears, no. Something you're against and you're trying to create a problem, a finding problem. It's a family. There's no problem.

[C]

So what is your average day? Like, what time do you wake up? What do you do? What do you eat? Where do you go?

[B]

You know, today I wake up, I love the rain because of where I came from. Always raining. And it just, it's nostalgic, it's romantic. It's poetry to me because where I was born, like sometimes I watch the drips, how they dropped in last year, drip on the leaves, how sensitive nature can be. How many, Especially when. When the rain's in the sunlight, you see the rainbows.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's the day. Today I'm sort of like one day at a time. I don't even remember yesterday or tomorrow. I'm in the moment.

[C]

Love that show.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But you wake up, you tell Dr. Drew, hey, man, you got to split.

[B]

I said Dr. Drew, too many meetings for us.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Individual meetings. All these meetings and confess.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

So your horizontal meaning. I didn't get the meaning of that, but now I do.

[B]

I think now, now every day I'm just Really, really is. Especially when I'm sober. So appreciative. Life, the breath of life. I want to share something. Don't think I'm talking nonsense, but this is real. Like the breath and the wind and the air. We don't see it, but they are there. That's the spirit is so generously serving us without asking for anything. And we ignore them. But without them we cannot survive. That's a spirit I think that we all have need to contribute to the world for the peace and love for humanity too.

[C]

I will say this. I'm not nearly as spiritual as you are, Bai Ling. But appreciating life and appreciating what you have and appreciating the breath that's in your lungs, that is the difference between happy and unhappy. Taking a moment to go instead of looking forward to the next conquest or the next job or the next whatever you're collecting or gathering, stopping and going, look what I have here right in front of me right now.

[B]

You know, today I was like so busy, like running around because it's raining. Then what I learned, I shared my little cookies on Twitter @realbylene. What I said, I said when you're caught up in life and don't forget all the joy in it. But when we're living and busy making money, successful, but you don't live, you don't breathe, you don't notice life just passing by you. I think why we're trying to make a better life for ourselves is for us to have the luxurious time or space to enjoy. But we forgot to enjoy that.

[C]

I would like to start a cookie line. Write this down. Lynch, let me tell you something.

[B]

Fortune cookie Biling's fortune cookie.

[C]

Oh, is that what it is?

[B]

Yeah. Fortune cookie.

[C]

Thought that was a name for your private parts there. Let me tell you this.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[C]

You know what I'm talking about.

[B]

American men.

[C]

The point of that, we're all sorry.

[B]

You know, sometimes your joke, I don't get it, but good.

[C]

That one you got. But let me tell you this, I don't. What if I start selling cookies where I. We do a cross promotion thing.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Where I go, my cookies have all the crap Bai Ling's cookies don't have.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Twice the butter, twice the sugar, twice the shortening, twice the fat. So whatever it is. And so you eat one of my cookies and they eat one of Bing's cookies.

[B]

You have a day and night.

[C]

Yin and yang.

[B]

Ying and yang.

[C]

Chocolate and vanilla.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, I like that.

[B]

By Lane, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So do your cookies taste good even though? Because I always hear that.

[B]

Oh, you had to try it. You. You know what? A lot of people love my cookies. We cannot have the day smiling without your cookies. So which I I, I, I enjoy giving. I think it's something you learn Breathe life to share with others Send over.

[C]

A batch baby, that's all.

[B]

Yeah, that's my cookie. See?

[C]

Yeah, I like that.

[B]

When you are too busy quoting life don't forget the joy of it all Harsh raining day while LA can be so moody I like that I said your show. I'm driving to your show.

[C]

Thank you, sweetie. 7:00pm for that you're getting another plug available on itunes. This single is called Rehab. A song about people having fun when they're sober. And why not? Why not? Everyone just take a breath and even.

[B]

You'Re in the club. Drink like sober. Drink water, have fun facing. You know what?

[C]

Spend $9 on a Sprite.

[B]

You know, I think that take guts to be sober to have fun because you're trying to numb yourself to do weird things that you don't want to see. But what about if you wear you witness what you do that's daring but that's beautiful when you're there Another level of life that you've never been It's a magic land when you're soberly dancing day and night Enjoy life that's in my song Day and night that's how.

[C]

I tore my meniscus. And before we let you go tonight, I want to tell you about my good friends over at Gazelle. They like to say, don't just sell it. Gazelle it. That's gazelle.com. take all those old crappy electronic devices you ain't using anymore. Smartphones, that ain't so smart. They're wearing dunce caps now. Laptops, digital cameras, MP3 players. Huh? What happened to those ebook readers? I have an assistant to read my books, etc. Take them and get some cash for them. You go to gazelle.com, you enter the make and model, you see how much Gazelle offers. So you know what your MP3 player is or your smartphone is. You just go to gazelle.com and go, here's what I got. And they go, here's what we're paying for. That's. Then they ship you a box, you put it in, drop it in the mail, forget about it. And what can I say? Easy. Easy to ship, easy to take care of. They'll even pay for postage. Yeah, that's right. Get that crappy gadget out of your face. They'll pay for the postage. You won't have to throw it in a landfill. And maybe you're looking to step up. Maybe you got the iPhone 3G and you want to get the 4. Or maybe you got the iPad. You want the iPad too? They'll pay for the old ones. They'll pay for the old ones. You don't have to give it to that crappy niece of yours with a learning disorder that hates your guts. But you're not going to find out until Thanksgiving 2033. That's right. Get the new stuff, baby. And let Gazelle pay you for the old stuff. That's gazelle.com. don't you sell it, Gazelle. It's all right, Bai Ling. This has been a little slice of heaven. Bai Ling, everybody. Rehab the name of the new song. Go to itunes and check it out or go to Amazon. And again, remember the good karma, remember the good chi. Go through AdamCarolla.com and send a little love our way. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for the newly and nice, nicely sober Bai Ling saying thank you. Mahalo.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, baby.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

All right, that's Adam Kroll show 672. Coming up next we have Adam Crow show 685. Zayn Busby, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2011. Check it out.

[F]

And now. He didn't mean to turn you on, Adam Carolla.

[C]

Yeah, rest in peace, Robert Palmer.

[E]

I'd be alright if he was still alive.

[C]

As long as he promised never to ever make another fucking song in his life. Hey, what's going on out there? Get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on Ah, love me some Nissan. As you know, I pilot a few of those Dots and Nissan's if you will. Love me. The durability. Always had. Always drove Nissan pickup trucks, by the way. Actually, I knew my life took a turn for the for the better when I stopped driving Datsun pickup trucks and stepped up to a Nissan. That's right, it was 1984 and the truck was from 84. This was 88.

[G]

Timely.

[C]

But the point is have myself a nice truck that said Nissan on the back of it. Beautiful Nissan, the Versa. What a car. Starting under 11 grand. Innovation for all. That's what they like to say. The all new Versa sedan. Most legroom, headroom, trunk space, technology per dollar. I swear to God this thing has more technology in it than my Aston Martin DB9 from five years ago has it is incredible, which bothers the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong. It is an unbelievable vehicle. I'd say first car great. First car great. If you have a kid safe, you know, getting a car and big, plenty of space. Holds four big dudes easily. Nissan.com check it out. Nissan.com and indestructible man can't break those cars. I drive a race car around things that 8 grand all day long. You don't know what that means. The engine revin rpms8000 all just pegged all day long. Never, never breaks.

[G]

Indestructible Learned a lot about cars from the car show, by the way. I'm not a car guy and I enjoy the car show from a non car guy perspective. I almost wish you guys would explain more like your sort of just general like things. You mentioned a lot of things that are like, oh, yeah, of course. Like, oh, that car is no good.

[H]

But what are wheels? I feel like you keep talking about wheels.

[G]

I feel like I'm past that point.

[C]

Yeah, I know, but it's for car guys, so. No, I know. The problem is with television. Everything's like hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. And if you ever stop and explain anything, they'd probably cut that out anyway. But then it's car guy on car guy on car guy. So you never really stop. It's like when sales guys get together and they start throwing around or TV scheduling guys or executives start tossing around the lingo that they use. It's sort of like doctors or attorneys, but wildly annoying. No one ever stops and explains what the fuck you're talking about. We have some questions, by the way, coming in from you, the audience, which I think is something we should get into. I happen to enjoy those and we don't do it enough. And this is just questions that you guys sent in. I'm not sure who is going to deliver these things. Dawson, you have those?

[F]

Yeah, I got them.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Remember back in the Loveline days, you guys get questions by facts. Like before I started work, right when I started working there, just when email was sort of, you know.

[C]

Yeah. Becoming everywhere people fax in their questions.

[G]

We got a question by fax.

[C]

Yeah. Loveline did not have a CD player when we were at Westwood One. And not because they hadn't been invented, but it was because it was love. Like you literally could not pop in a CD and hear something over the air. They did not have a CD player.

[H]

Irony.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Westwood One is a piece of shit. Horrible company. But anyway, God bless Them. Hope they're doing great. Anyway, where were we?

[F]

Now, if anyone does have a question. If anyone does have a question for Adam, just email it to quest to questionsdamcorolla.com that's how we got these.

[C]

Mm.

[F]

This is from Scott Harlan. Your neglected childhood plays a big role in your comedy personality and who you are today. A genie appears before you and offers you a magic pill. If you take the pill, you would have had a normal Brian Bishop and Allison Rose type of upbringing. In exchange, you would. In exchange, you would give up your fame and fortune and would living in. Would instead be living a civilian adult life. Do you take the pill accomplice?

[C]

Hot Barbara Eden genie or Robin Williams from Aladdin?

[F]

Let's go, Barbara Eden.

[C]

Okay, that's tough now, because there's two kinds of genies. There's big, husky dude genies.

[H]

Right.

[C]

And then there's hot chick genies.

[F]

Yeah. Not the one in Wishmaster either.

[C]

Yeah. There's no in between genies. Like, how about that genie? Average Bill, Great personality. Yeah. Now there's weird. Huge weird genie and then chick genie.

[I]

Yeah.

[G]

Shaq.

[C]

Yeah. That's so gay of you. You know, I'm trying to figure this out. I didn't grow up in an abusive environment or anything. I just grew up with sort of laissez faire parents that did not. I was never heard. So I had a lot of opinions and was never heard. On the other hand, there's a lot of comedians who grew up, and I guess this creates a sort of obnoxious comedian. But if you listen to, like, all right, quiet. I can hear stuff bleeding through things. If you ever hear, like, Billy Crystal talk, he'll say, oh, I'd get the entire family. I get. The entire family would come together on Fridays for dinner at my house, and then I would entertain them by doing my impressions, and they would all give me a quarter and they would applaud. And there's an. There's a comedic monster that can be created as well by having too much support. There are actually people that aren't very funny who think they're funny because someone.

[H]

I didn't say that.

[C]

No one pulled them aside and didn't tell them they weren't funny. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to think. Definitely not funny. Fire in the belly. And honestly, I'm sort of semi dead inside from my upbringing, which is not a good thing. I mean, it's not good thing for my relationships and my wife and my kids and that kind of thing. So that's a. You definitely want to. That's a minus because I just have a.

[H]

You'd rather be alive inside.

[C]

Yeah, I'd rather be alive inside. I just got this.

[G]

Given the choice.

[C]

Yeah. And you know, look, certain people are just wired the way they're wired anyway. Like I don't know how much of it is nature or nurture. So I'd like to think, I mean, my family did not instill a sense of humor in me. They just gave me no self esteem and never listened to a fucking thing I said. But they never said, here's how you put together a joke or turn a phrase. So it's not like they get credit for making me funny just because I was ignored.

[H]

Right.

[C]

I'm sure half the people in prison just got ignored.

[H]

Right. Like maybe you just would have ended up funny but happier.

[C]

Right. Because maybe the funny, maybe the funny was just like an athletic ability. Like parents ignoring you can't take away.

[H]

Athletic ability is not a choice. You either are or you aren't.

[C]

I wouldn't be able to complain. I wouldn't have the complaint or I wouldn't have that. Never been heard, not being heard. My childhood was this weird not being heard. Sort of bad dream of sitting with my mom and or later my dad or my stepdad or something who doesn't talk. You know, none of my family really talks. Or then my grandmother would talk and she would sort of talk over you and maybe I'd lose that component. So the question is a little bit flawed because I could have a very nurturing, loving parents that were very supportive. I don't think my dad going to a bunch of high school football games would have stopped me from having a sense of humor, but I wouldn't have the same of not being heard complain.

[D]

Right.

[H]

You might not have the motor to.

[C]

Be heard either way. Even though I'm dead inside, I'm glad to be where I am right now. So I don't think I'd go back and with fate. See what I'm saying? I don't know. What do you guys think? Thoughts.

[G]

A lot of its nature. I think I can't. Not so much for the comedy aspect, but like, you know, you've commented, especially when I was diagnosed with my brain tumor, that I have a very sunny outlook on life. You know what I mean? I delivered the news to you in a very metered, you know, fashion and. And not to say that I was raised in everything's gonna be okay.

[C]

I don't say sunny. I said delusional.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Whatever it is right now. My parents were on top of me all the the time. Like any good parents to, you know, make sure you do this and you're not doing this, and. And if you don't do this, this will happen. And my whole life was just sort of the way I was just born, I guess. Like, yeah, it'll take care of itself, you know, college applications or grades or whatever it was. Like, eh, don't worry too much about it, you know, my parents bored much more than I did.

[C]

There's a lot of. And we all know different types of people, happy people and morose people. And we know people that are, you know, animated and people are quiet. And it's really hard to figure. I mean, just like sitting down and interviewing Mike Judge, you know, his dad's an archaeologist. He has a physics degree. He seems very quiet, yet he does this crazy sort of scatological comedy for a living. On the other hand, if you just met him at a party, you'd have no idea what he does. He played, but he played in a blues band for a number of years. Like, plays the bass, you know, Like, I. I don't know how the fuck Mike Judge becomes Mike Judge. I don't know how that works. How'd you get warped? Yeah, I know your dad's an archaeologist. Like, how do you fuck that up, you know? So I'm starting to think a lot more nature than nurture, especially since I have these two twins that are wildly, wildly different. So I'm just gonna assume I would have been who I would have been anyway and not take the pill.

[H]

Plus, the question's flawed, because genies don't give you a pill. They give you three wishes. Yeah, I think we all know that.

[C]

Yeah, I know. And then why would it. Why would you need a genie to give you a pill, right?

[H]

You could just go to your doctor.

[C]

A fat nurse could hand you a pill.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, it's a good point. All right, next question.

[F]

When you pee in the sink, do you wash it down with a little faucet water or do you let it be Jesse in Richmond, Virginia, for me?

[G]

What about it, Allison?

[H]

I rinse it out. Yeah.

[C]

Great Beatles album. Let it pee. Oh, no, I mean, that's still. Let me be perfectly clear here. When I pee in the sink, and I pee in the sink exclusively. Exclusively. I don't know when the last time. I mean, listen, if I'm taking a dump, I don't get up to go pee in the sink and then go back and sit down on the commode. And finish my crap, you know, I understand. That's not.

[G]

That'd be dedication.

[C]

That would be dedication. Would shit myself.

[H]

I would respect you more if you did do that.

[C]

Sorry to say, when I pee in the sink, I always rinse it down with a little water and I hit the. Hit the edge there, you know, slash around.

[H]

Do you aim for the drain?

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Aiming.

[C]

Yeah, I do every once in a while, depending on if there's some, you know. Brian, you know, when you shave, you'll leave that whisker ring sometimes around saying, you know, go ahead and take some of those whiskers with me, but pee in the sink. And then I rinse and I give it a little shot of water, and then I'll give my hand a little shot of water and hit the deck a little, just in case anything dribbled down the edge or anything.

[H]

I know it's thoughtful.

[C]

I can't leave any track.

[G]

You know, it's come up before. But why peeing in the sink? It just. All you're describing sounds like way more effort.

[C]

No hand rinsing. Half of it. Half of it is because I can. I like it.

[G]

All right, that's valid.

[C]

It lets me know two things. You sure?

[G]

Best thing. Goose. Boss.

[E]

Three things.

[C]

Three things. A. It lets me know I'm a dude.

[H]

Yeah. Yeah. Because if I tried it, it wouldn't go well.

[C]

I'm telling you, being a dude, you know, it has its perks, it has its cons. You pay more for car insurance, you don't live quite as long, but you can just literally take a piss anywhere you want. And I'm saying, as a dude, once a month, go out in the yard, take a piss. It's a perk. You should exercise it every once in a while.

[G]

I have yet to pee in my new yard.

[C]

No, man, that's the greatest thing about home ownership.

[G]

There's a little security included. Part in the back, too, where it's, like, perfect for doing that.

[C]

Do it.

[G]

All right.

[H]

I'm sure that's what Christy envisioned.

[C]

No, but it's really. It's like the hanging of the fucking. What is that? Scroll. You choose. Hang up there.

[H]

The Torah. Thank you.

[C]

No, the sc. No.

[H]

Yeah. What is that called?

[C]

Yeah, I'll come up with the name. Oh.

[D]

Oh.

[H]

The mezuzah.

[C]

The Mezuzah. It's like the hanging of the mezuzah. It's like they put it in the door jamb, they put a little bit of skook, and they hang the mezuzah.

[H]

This Is I brought my facts of life DVDs into my new place.

[C]

Yeah, that's the hanging of the mezuzah. Taking the piss in the yard is the goyim version of the hanging of the mezuzah. It's like, hey, this is my land. I've blessed of my land. Now let all who come here take a piss in the yard. Let you know, A, you're dude, and B, you own a home. Like, you couldn't do that in someone else's house or an apartment. You'd get fucking yelled at.

[H]

Now, wouldn't taking a dump in your yard really christen the land?

[C]

That's a lot of work. That's a lot of work. And again, we're looking here. We're looking for really just a sort of ceremonial thing. Now, whizzing in the sink is. Lets me know. A, I'm a dude, B, I own a sink. That's nice. C, I'm taller than 6 foot. A blessing, you know, if I was in a wheelchair or five foot five, I could not pee in said sink. And it lets me do things like brush my teeth and. Or shave simultaneously. See what I'm saying? Multitasker. And you never get that. You see the whiz in the toilet, it gets all over the place. It ricochets. It can hit the seat. Sometimes you got to wipe the bowl down.

[H]

And that kind of thing is that you're not watching yourself pee in the sink if you're shaving at the same time. And there's probably less, like you're saying, less mess if you're peeing in the sink and not looking than if you're peeing in a toilet and not looking.

[C]

Also, in the morning with the morning wood, very difficult to get that aim down in a toilet. Again, being 6:2 and being average size in the pecker department, my penis is a good three and a half feet away from the water. You know what I'm saying? It's not dangling down into the water.

[G]

Another factor before you're lasik, bad eyesight.

[C]

Bad eyesight. That's a difficult factor. Yeah. So all the things that conspire to have me pee and sink, and then everyone who's grossed out by fuck off, number one, number two, I always. I rinse it out. I mean, you wouldn't know. You wouldn't walk into the bathroom and go, oh, man, he's peeing the sink. Only wait, Even if you ate asparagus. Ooh, that's tough.

[E]

That's tough.

[C]

Yeah, it comes up from time to time. And then of course the kids run in every once in a while and then run out screaming to my nanny. I sort of pretend like she didn't hear it, you know, when we see each other next. But you know, it's a time saver and it's why I get the big buck. Mm. Brian house. That's right. That's why you get the big box. All right, one more question before we bring Zane in.

[F]

All right, this is from Iowan Chef says doing some home remodeling and I have reached my fucking limit with flathead screws. Why do we even have these fucking things? They're miserably inefficient little cocksuckers that need to go the need to go the way of the penny and just fucking die out. Yes.

[C]

He says flathead screws. I'm pretty sure he means slathead screws because there's bugle head and there's flat head and there's pan head. There's a few different types of screws. I'm learning a lot already. There is no racial bigotry here. Flathead screws. Nothing wrong with the flathead screw. He's saying a slot head screw versus a square drive, a star drive or Phillips head. I'm guessing because that's safe. Boy, flathead screws. I. I don't know why you'd have difficulty with a flathead screw. You know, I gotta tell you, things look pretty slow right here, but I think it's gonna pick up. You don't have to buy a flathead screw. You can just buy a non flathead screw if you're talking about flathead screws. But if you're talking about slothead screws, you don't have to buy a slot head screw. You can buy a Phillips head screw. Now this is fun. Square drive or star drive? I'm talking about both. Which is a screw has an end and that end is meant to accept a male end which would either be a Phillips star shape or you know, cross shaped. Or they have the star variety. Right. Or they have the square variety.

[H]

Depends what kind of penis you're putting in it.

[C]

That's right.

[E]

It's almost too exciting to bear. So I don't know what the issue.

[C]

Is now the only time you would run into a slothead screw is if it was a pre existing screw for anything. I don't know how we're going to top this.

[H]

Can we see a photo of a slot head screw please?

[C]

You don't know slide head screw is.

[H]

Well I do But I don't understand why he'd be angry at that.

[C]

All right, okay. Time has passed. No, because the screwdriver slips out of a slot head screw. You would run into it. If you were doing a renovation on an old house and you were taking old hinges off the jam and the house was built the 40s and it had the slot head screw and you had fish them out using another slathead. Oh, there's. Now you can show a flathead screw and that to me is flathead. But it's also maybe a panhead screw. This is very interesting. You might as well show star drives and square drives and all that kind of shit too. Use a magnetic cartridge, people, if you're really.

[H]

I was trying to put together a thing that I put bought and I didn't have a screwdriver and I tried so. And I tried all sorts of things and none of them worked. Finally a spoon worked, but it took a long time and I hurt myself.

[C]

Now we're taking a look at a machine screw that has a slot head in it. I'm assuming this guy meant slot head. If it's flat head, I'm utterly confused. And now he can just go buy again. Any other kind. Use the old. Use the old pan head. Nice looking screw.

[G]

I think what he's saying is, doesn't any screw that works with a Phillips head screwdriver work better than a flathead screwdriver screw? It would seem logically, yes, yes.

[C]

When you use a flat head and a slot. When you use a slotted screw, the screwdriver slides out of it all the time.

[H]

Why haven't they gone the way of the pen?

[C]

I have. So there's your square drive. You can see the square drive there.

[B]

You.

[C]

I don't know where the fuck the star drive is. The carriage bolt is the one. Anyway, I don't have to. I don't know where my star drive is. An Allen Phillips head. There's no Allen in there. There's some hex ones. Yeah, you get it. All right, Good enough. Are we cool?

[F]

Yeah, we're cool. Anyone else with other questions for Adam? Send them to questionsamcorolla.com yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Welcome back. Good to see you. Zane Busby, director.

[D]

Good to be here.

[C]

Humanitarian. Zane has herself a little website. It's survivor mitzvah.org she has a humanitarian project and is going to be doing a documentary on it soon. But tell me about the project.

[D]

It's called Survivor Mitzvah Project and I'm a comedy director actually. So on a hiatus I went to Eastern Europe to just check out where my grandparents were born. And I found their Holocaust survivors in their 80s and 90s who were living in terrible conditions with no heat and no one to help them, no one to chop firewood living in these little huts.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But it feels like they're used to it.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

If anyone could endure that.

[D]

It's true.

[A]

It's really.

[C]

The rich people grew up, pampered and never went.

[D]

That's exactly right.

[C]

You know, never involved the Holocaust that need our help, is what I'm thinking. But because it's a juxtaposition. You know what I mean? But so all these people that have suffered in the past, and now they're.

[D]

Suffering 70 years after, they haven't even gotten a break, 70 years after the start of the war. And they're great people. And they're not, you know, weird or they're not angry. They're just like, you know, they're wonderful people. So we said, no, we can help them. We're going to help them. So we came back here and started to do things to help them. And it's been a grassroots project. Totally. And I've gotten a lot of, like, comedians and friends of mine to read their letters and raise money for them. So it's great. And we go back, like, Christmas Day. I'm going to go back to Latvia, nice and warm, and I'm going to distribute the money we raise. And people are going to read letters on November 6 and raise money for them. So that's a. It's a good thing.

[C]

Not if Jimmy Carter can help it. He hates those Jews. Yeah, well, what happened to that guy?

[D]

He's not alone.

[C]

What happened to him?

[D]

I don't know what happened to him. You know what happened.

[C]

I ask everyone, what happened with Israel and the Jews and Hollywood Jews in the left. When did we all. I'm not Jewish. I'm an atheist. I don't really. I don't have a dog in the fight. They're all nuts as far as I'm concerned. And you know, you know, my feeling is all people that look, whenever you get knee deep into any religion, you're just a fucking idiot to me. And you get what you get. Like Muslim Jews, you know, the Muslims are insane. The Jews are dumb because they're smart. Like, the Jews are like. I always say, they're like a guy who has a fucking crazy roommate who likes to do a lot of math and he collects knives. And you go, just fucking move out, dude. Just, why should I move out? My Security deposit. I put the security deposit, and it's like, dude, you're gonna get stabbed. You're gonna get stabbed. That's why you should move out. Well, I'm not moving out because it's my security partner. Just fucking move out. So the Jews at least should be smart enough to just clear out. But who gives a shit? They're living amongst nut jobs. But why did. Who the fuck. When you take a look at that region, you're not gonna side with Israel. You're gonna side with all the crazy people who want them dead around them. I don't understand it. And again, I don't have a Jew in the fight. I'm just a fucking atheist from North Hollywood. I can just sit there and look at it and I can go, well, who's called causing the trouble here? And it's not the Jews. And why are. Why is Hollywood getting against. Why are they turning against the Jews?

[D]

I'm a comedian. What do I know? I don't know anything about this stuff.

[C]

Well, you travel around. I do travel around.

[D]

I do travel around.

[I]

You.

[C]

You probably know more than most. What the fuck's wrong with the Jews in the city?

[D]

No idea. I don't know.

[C]

Was it this way 15 years ago? Because I don't feel like it. I feel like you had Jews in Hollywood 15 years ago that were like, I support Israel. Those are my people. I'm on their team. That's where. That's. That's who my allegiance is with. And somehow that left.

[H]

Yeah, I feel like the more time that passes, the more people don't have a direct connection to Jews in Israel anymore. And so.

[C]

But how about just a direct connection to. How about a direct connection to sanity?

[H]

No, that's gone.

[D]

Completely gone. What are you asking?

[C]

Yeah, sanity, right? You know what I'm saying, right? What the fuck's wrong with Jimmy Carter?

[D]

You know who you look exactly like? This guy, Jeff Beck, who's not Jeff Beck the musician, but Jeff Beck.

[C]

The guy can't be one Jeff Beck I know.

[D]

No, no, the Jeff Beck. There's a guy named Jeff Beck that's called not Jeff Beck because he's not the musician. But he's also a musician, but he's not the Jeff Beck. Anyway, you look exactly like him.

[C]

Who's on first? Even if I was the Jeff Beck the musician, three quarters of people listening to this wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about. But now I can't even get to be the one.

[D]

No, no, no, no. But you look exactly like the One who's not Jeff Beck, but who's really Jeff Beck.

[C]

The unknown version of the unknown guy.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great guy, though. You should meet him someday.

[C]

You guys know Jeff Beck? Jeff Beck?

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

I don't know. Not Jeff Beck, though.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

No, because when I was doing up in Smoke, Now, I came out from New York. Now I know nothing about California. You're from California. Right, right.

[C]

I'm from Israel, actually.

[D]

But anyway, I come out here and there's things like lowriders and things, you know, cherry. It's like a language I don't speak. And they're talking about the Valley. To me, the Valley is like, you know, Barbara Stanwyck or something. I don't know what they're talking about. They're going, yeah, go to the Valley. And you'll take a canyon. You know, take Cold Water Canyon. I'm going, like, how do you fucking take a canyon? I don't know anything. I'm from New York.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So I get this part in this movie. I don't even know who Cheech and Chong are.

[C]

And they say, up in Smoke.

[D]

Yeah. They say to me, it's a Valley girl. Go to the ladies room with the Roxy. You'll get the character. Okay. So I go to the ladies room with the Roxy where I met Jeff Beck. Not Jeff Beck. And it's true. And I go there with my tape recorder and my glasses. You'll love this reporter's little thing. And I go into the ladies room.

[C]

So you're doing research for the role.

[D]

Research. To find out, go to the category.

[C]

Room at the Roxy.

[D]

That's what Cheech told me. You'll just go there. You'll get the whole thing. So I go in there. There's, like, 500 girls putting on makeup and changing clothes and doing. And I walk in, they look at me, and it's like they think I'm a narc. And the place empties. And I look around, there's no one there.

[G]

It's the scene from Animal House.

[C]

And that's when he met Jeff Beck. Not Jeff Beck.

[D]

That's exactly right. Jeff Beck. Not Jeff Beck told me. He said, schmuck, go home, change your clothes, look like them, come back, and you'll be able to do it. So I went home, I put feathers in my hair. I put makeup on. I put everything I owned on scarves and stuff. I came back and walked right in, and there it was, this whole, like, universe of girls. Like these Valley Girls, right? So I'm Watching these girls. And I'm trading makeup, and they're trading, like, you know, Quaaludes and everything like that. And two girls come. This is like 1:30 at night now. And I'm thinking, well, you know, these girls are, like, in their 30s, so it's okay, right? They're in their 30s. And then I realized, no, they're not in their 30s. Their mothers are in their 30s. They've dropped them off so the mothers can go out and get laid, right? And these girls are, like, in the high school, right? So anyway, so they're trading drugs, and two girls come in and they go, oh, my God, I'm so late. I mean, my God, it's like, so late. My mom's gonna kill me. I'm supposed to call it, sister, call her. And I say, oh, here it goes. Where's the payphone? There was this big payphone in the ladies room. She goes over to the payphone. I said, here goes the biggest lie, right? The biggest lie we've ever heard. She goes, okay, Mom. Yeah, I know I supposed to call you, but, you know, we ran into some great blow, and, you know, we just, like, you know, got caught up in it. You want me to get some for you? You know, it's not good for you. And I'm like, oh, my God. This is. This is the world. This is it. This is it.

[C]

And that's. And that's the night you met.

[D]

No, it's the night I met Jeff. Not Jeff Beck.

[C]

Not Jeff Beck.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Shouldn't he just go by Jeffrey? And then with clear things up, he.

[D]

Should have, you know, but it was like, oh, Jeff Beck, you ever live. No, you're not. Okay.

[C]

Is this a picture of you, by the way, we're looking at.

[D]

Not the one with the tits, right?

[C]

From. Who's the one with the tits?

[D]

That's Annie. Fanny.

[C]

Oh, really? From Porn Star? Not any Fanny. Fanny.

[D]

Annie was great. You'd say, annie, take your shirt off. She'd go, okay.

[C]

You know, Cheech and Chong's up in smoke, by the way. Turns out, Cheech and Chong, not funny. That seems to be the adult consensus. I knew it back in junior high. I was like, these guys aren't funny, but they ain't funny.

[D]

But there was so many. That movie had a whole. It's a funny, funny movie. And that money had a. That movie had a whole other life going on, which. What was going on, you know, behind the scenes, making the movie. Because really, they. They said to me, you know, we're gonna get someone to dress you to do this whole thing. And they got these boots for me from Fear Rucci. We didn't have a store here. They got him off the Runway in Milan or something. They were red lame boots. So I put them on. I'm there at six o' clock in the morning and they don't get to me till 7 o' clock at night. And my feet are killing me, right, because they're three sizes too small. I take them off, we're at the Rainbow with a Roxy and there's a million extras. And I wiggle my foot going, oh, God, my feet are killing me. And I take the other one off and I do the same. And then I reach for the first one and they're gone. Like someone had stolen my costume. So, like, I'm flipped out. It's my first day, I don't know anyone. And now I have lost the boots that cost like a million dollars, right, that they got from Rome or something. So I'm freaked out. And I'm looking, I'm looking and I finally. They're going, you know, five minutes, five minutes. And I walk up to the studio, you know, heads who were there, and I said, I don't have the boots, I don't know what to do, but someone took them. And they're like, oh, my God, it cost so much money. And this studio head says, yeah, they were like, you know, $600. The other one says, $600. That was just the shipping. They were like, you know, $12,000 and blah, blah, blah. And they're going back and forth. Well, you'll just have to do without. And then I said, what? Really? How much was it? They said they were $800. I said, you put that up your nose every day, right?

[C]

Yeah, a lot of coke going around back then.

[D]

They said, you know, you're right. Get her the boots. So they wired to Milan, they got me new boots the next day. And I did that barefoot. That scene.

[C]

How much, how much coke? I always say this is the sweetest. The sweetest spot in life was pre aids, mid Coke. That's the sweet spot. Those are the sweet years in there when coke is considered no taboo, no judging, just everyone just doing a fat rail. And there ain't no such thing as aids. That's just free goddamn love, right?

[D]

The first time I was ever out in la, I went to a sushi bar. It was a U shaped bar. And I walk in and there's a line of coke around the entire sushi bar. And you just sit down and I went. I couldn't believe it. This is like what was going on in LA at that time.

[C]

Unbelievable. What year are we talking about?

[D]

This is probably 1978. Ish. Yeah.

[H]

How did everyone do a tiny bit of the horseshoe or.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, and then there were the pigs who just, you know.

[H]

Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

But, you know, it was everywhere. It was everywhere. It was like on the. You walk down the. The hallway at NBC and there'd be pills on the floor. I mean, it's like out there, I.

[C]

Would break up the horseshoe with the little balls of wasabi, you know, because I feel like that would stop.

[H]

You need a palp cleanser as well. You need to shove some ginger down your.

[C]

Would definitely stop. You.

[G]

No pun intended. That's a coke speed bump. Slow you down.

[C]

Yeah. Also, Spinal Tap. Now, that is a funny movie.

[D]

That was a funny movie. And no one knew what it was gonna be because Rob just said, you know, we're doing this movie. We have no script, so, like, I want you to be a Rolling Stone reporter. And that was like. That's the direct. That's what you got. And then you just, like, did something. Ran it by him while he was listening to the World Series. And then, you know, we came on the set and did it. He was great.

[C]

There was a. I'm trying to think of the Rolling Stone reporter. What was the question you asked?

[D]

The question. I said, so, you guys, are you gonna, like. Are you gonna tour again, or are you just gonna milk it for a few more years in Europe? You know, stuff like that.

[C]

I'm trying to. I'm trying to think of that. That scene.

[F]

Backyard party or the other hotel.

[C]

Oh, the wrap party up on the roof.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, The Hyatt House.

[C]

Yeah. Right next to the comedy. Let's see. Comedy Store.

[G]

You can make case very easily for that being the most influential comedy of all time. It spawned a whole genre. They weren't doing mockumentaries before that.

[D]

Well, that was the mockumentary. That was the first.

[C]

Yeah. Not only that, but just Laugh for Laugh. One of the funniest movies ever. Ever made. And. Yeah, spawned a genre. And even if it didn't spawn a genre, just fucking funnier than almost any.

[E]

Other movie I can think of.

[D]

11. I mean, come on. I mean, that was so great.

[C]

But there were the jokes that were sort of kind of. You remember. And then there were even just like sort of little intravenous de Milo and stuff like that. Just name, like, just like a weird.

[E]

There's like, sort of the Weird stuff.

[C]

There. There was the namesake series where the celebrities read books that share the same last name. Celebrity autobiography that as it was. It was called, like, the namesake series where, like, celebrities read the book of the author whose name they share. And there was, there was, there was. See, what's Irving? I'm trying to think of the famous author, the Irving. John Irving, probably. No, I don't think it was John Irving.

[F]

Washington Irving.

[C]

It was one of those. One of those Irvings. Yeah. And read by Somebody named Dr. J.

[E]

Remember that one?

[C]

They just had a bunch of those kind of jokes. Like, some you got, some you didn't get. Some weren't. You weren't meant. Meant to get. They had some of those just sort of stupid. The ones were like, you know, the guy's life was about sex, drugs and rock and roll. And it's like, well, what if you could never play rock and roll again? He did sell sex and drugs. I guess I could get by with that.

[D]

These guys were great, though. This is a fun movie. Tell me the truth. Jan's not going to print it anyway.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I just want to know from my own head, you know, I think we need a little bit of time to discuss this between the two of us. If you wouldn't mind just leaving us alone.

[B]

I want sort things out and then.

[D]

Okay, we can come to the kind of thing we want.

[C]

There you are as a blonde. Yeah.

[D]

So it's like those reporters. It's okay. You could tell me anything. I won't print it. I won't print it.

[C]

It's like little small jokes. Like, Boston's not a big college town. Anyway, they oversaturated the market. That's why no one showed up at the record signing.

[F]

We'd love to stay in chat, but we got to go in the lobby.

[C]

And wait for the limo.

[E]

It's like a bunch of those.

[D]

I love the set. The size of the little set.

[C]

Stonehenge was great.

[D]

And it's just so much one tenth.

[G]

The size of it.

[C]

And. And where they would. They do little things. Like I said, you know, when we started off, we were doing these little nothing songs that really adolescent, really. And now we're doing, you know, songs that are much more mature and evolved and they'd like Sex Farm. Yeah. Where we're taking a look at sex and putting it on a farm. Yeah, yeah, like that. But there's.

[D]

It's just.

[C]

Even the adolescent stuff like. Heavy Duty Rock and Roll brings out the duty in my soul.

[E]

Stuff like just.

[C]

The lyrics were great. Heavy Duty's a great song. And Sex Farm is a great song.

[G]

Led to the stage and they keep making wrong turns.

[C]

Just a million great. A million great. It's great scenes, great movie.

[D]

Still funny. Still funny.

[C]

That's how you know. Yes. And you know, they're those who are like, oh, man, that movie. You ever see Fletch? That's a funny movie. Are you fucking nuts? It's like 3000 fletches don't add up to one of.

[E]

One of these.

[C]

Or Dirty Rotten Scoundrels or any of those kind of movies that survive people think are pretty decent. Especially some of those Steve Martin ones.

[E]

From back in the day.

[C]

Then a thousand don't add up to one. Fucking Spinal Tap.

[D]

No, Spinal Tap is the best.

[C]

It is the best. Sorry.

[H]

So Zane has directed a bunch of comedy TV shows, and I just like to read.

[E]

Hold on.

[C]

Are you guys gonna find the Not Jeff Beck guy? Can he knock down? Because if I look like somebody.

[D]

No, you really, really, really look like him.

[G]

I mean, just Google Jeff Beck.

[D]

Not Jeff, like, on the frightening side of. Look.

[B]

No.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

This could go a lot of different directions.

[H]

Blossom, Golden Girls, Charles in Charge, My Two Dads, Head of the Class, Newhart, Married With Children, Silver Spoons. That's just a few of them.

[D]

Hundreds. I did hundreds and hundreds.

[H]

Any facts of life in there?

[D]

No, that's before my time. Thank God there's something before my time.

[C]

Yeah. My Two Dads.

[D]

My Two Dads. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. It's one of those great concept. High concept.

[C]

Was Paul Reiser in there?

[D]

That was Paul's first show.

[H]

And Giovanni Ribisi was in it.

[D]

That's right. Vani Rabisi. He played her friend then he was Vonnie.

[H]

Yeah, he was Vonnie Ribisi.

[D]

Vani Rabisi. Like all these kids that I work with are now like, you know, these. These big stars of their own.

[C]

Schroeder, who was the girl in that? She wasn't the one that was murdered, was she?

[D]

No, I did. I did that, though. I did that. My sister Sam. I did that show.

[C]

Rebecca.

[D]

Yeah, that was terrible.

[C]

Rebecca Schaefer was.

[D]

Yep, yep, yep, yep. Wears the underwear, you know. He wears the.

[H]

What? What do you mean?

[D]

He wears the Mormon underwear.

[C]

Oh. Oh, who?

[H]

Wait, now he does.

[D]

Or then now, I think. And I don't know. I didn't check then. What?

[C]

What's going on?

[H]

Rick Schroeder wears Mormon underwear.

[D]

That's all I know. The Rickster.

[C]

Maybe it's more man. And it just adds because I bought. I bought something that makes you look like you have more.

[D]

Oh, I'm wearing those. Like a COD piece.

[C]

Yeah, I like it.

[F]

More man.

[H]

Wait, what is this? More man underwear? Is it like a chastity?

[C]

I just invented it. But I would buy that.

[G]

I think you're onto something, buddy.

[D]

Everyone would buy that.

[C]

Well, listen, women. Women have those padded bras or put the cutlets under there or have the pull up. Why can't we have a little help downstairs, you know?

[D]

Well, those guys, Those guys, they put marbles in, you know, I mean.

[H]

Marbles.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, that wouldn't help very much. BB marbles.

[C]

Oh, where the hell were we? So what's going on in Latvia and Lithuania?

[D]

Fucking freezing is what's going on. Really? Yes, it's very cold there. They're crazy countries. I mean, they're countries of, you know, lots of murdering and very bad blood went on there, you know, and it just keeps going and going and they have no past to be proud of, so they just, like, don't discuss the past. You know, it's like John Cleese, don't say anything about the war, but everything leads back to the war. But you can't say anything about the war because it's very bad news over there.

[C]

A lot of ethnic cleansing going on still.

[D]

I mean, crazy, crazy. Very, very bad stuff.

[C]

Yeah, this is. I don't know where you're at with this, but I really want to have a meeting of these sane countries. Like, Forget about the G8 or whoever. They get together every once in a while for summit. This would be the not crazy countries. I don't care.

[D]

And where exactly are they?

[G]

You better get a good bouncer for that because you know that someone's going to try and crash. They know Bolivia is going to show up drunk.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[D]

I was just in Ukraine, okay? This is like a crazy country. Ukraine has, you know, satellite country, the Soviet Union. So now that they're independent, they're trying to go, gee, we need a pass that we can be proud of to teach our kids in school, like, to wave the flag, you know, like, we have July 4th and George Washington. They don't have any of that, right? So they go, okay, let's look to our past. And they go, okay, we're World War II. That's pretty big. We killed, like, millions of people for no reason. And we don't teach it in our school. We can't do that. Okay, then we go a little bit further. Pogroms. Can't do that. Okay, then we go to 1900 we had all those marauders killing, and we can't do that. We killed our own people. We can't do that. We can't do that. So they have no past, right? So instead of. So what they do is they pick the most famous murderer. They have a guy named, I think, Banderas. And he was. His famous thing was that he sawed little girls in half. That was his, you know, not by ones or twos, by the thousands. You know, this is what he liked to do. And so they named all their parks. Let's just. In the last two years, Banderas Park.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. And they have his portraits everywhere. And this is. This is who they're, like, praying to now and teaching the kids in school.

[C]

Well, again, they would not get an Evite to my. To my meeting of sane nations.

[D]

No, they wouldn't. But there are some sane nations, I'm sure. The Seychelles islands, saying, you can get.

[C]

Canada and Australia in there. And, you know, everyone's got a couple of drunken troublemakers, but by and large, okay, Britain. Yeah, sure, sure, yeah. Scandinavian countries, and we all get together in parts of Europe.

[D]

Soviet bloc countries are crazy. And every time I'm in Belarus, I'm like, oh, why can't we do this? And then someone will say, because it's a dictatorship. I say, oh, right. You know, oh, can we go over there? No. Why can't we go over there? Because, you know, you'll get thrown in prison. There's secret police are watching you. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, you forget how. How lucky we are, you know, that we can do anything and say anything. They walk down the street there but their heads down, and they're afraid to say anything. Oh, they're not allowed to.

[C]

You're being so naive. You got to go down to Wall street, really catch a lesson. What's really going on in this country, man.

[D]

Yeah, you should go downtown la.

[C]

Cause you're a. Whoa. And you're all right. The point is, is you guys, we can do what we want because we're white. Don't be so naive. You're any other color in this country. There's a lot of hungry people out there that don't share the same privileges that we do. No, no, no. Lucky for me and Brian, we're white males. We do what we want. You guys are.

[D]

I thought you were Jewish women.

[C]

Yeah. So we get all the sane countries together.

[D]

What are we going to do with them?

[C]

We come up with a plan. Which is, well, the final solution. Some of it involves, you know, some conversations Mostly predator drone related stuff. And we just start fucking taking out these nut jobs.

[D]

I would love to be part of it.

[C]

Just start taking the garbage out.

[D]

I would love to be a part of that.

[C]

Let's face it, it's getting. There was a time when you could go be nuts in your own nation and we wouldn't even know about it. Now it's wide open. Between the Internet and the international flights, it's all one big place now. It's one big globe that just kind of got connected. It's sort of like the Valley. There was a time you could live in Simi Valley and no one would know where you were. Now somehow Canoga park and Chatsworth, it all got connected. We all connected. So it used to just be, well, you'd be over there and then you'd be over here in Studio City and there was nothing but corn fields or bean fields or orange orchards in between. But now it's all slowly connected and now that we're connected, we can't have nut job just like Pangea. Mm. I consider myself a nerd. Yeah. Still can't find your not Jeff Beck buddy on the Internet, by the way.

[D]

God, why wouldn't he be there? Well, maybe, you know, he was. It was a long time ago. This is like, maybe he's not even alive.

[H]

Maybe he's Jeff Beck now.

[C]

He finally became, maybe became the real Jeff Beck.

[D]

I mean he was like pre Internet.

[C]

So Zane, you come out from New York?

[D]

Yes.

[C]

You come out to act, right?

[D]

I came out in a band called B and B.

[B]

Right.

[D]

And when we got out here, we set up at the old Hollywood, Columbia soundstages for a midnight show, not realizing that people in LA don't stay up past 10 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[D]

So we did this midnight show to like nobody, but we got some record deals and we were going to cut some albums and, and we cut some songs with, with Mike Curb. And then I said, oh, you guys Mike Curb or.

[C]

Not my Curb.

[D]

Yeah, not my Curb. And then started to get acting jobs. So went out to do up in Smoke and then I did a thing called Americathon where I played a Vietnamese rock and roll singer. Right.

[C]

Was that Martin Mall's thing?

[B]

No, it was.

[D]

Everyone was in this movie. Elvis Costello and Jay Leno and Harvey Corman and me and Peter Riegert. And there wasn't a person on the planet who was not in this movie. And it was a very funny movie.

[C]

And then, oh, wait a minute, am I making this up? But is Jack Tripper in that movie too?

[D]

Yes, he plays the president. I have an affair with him.

[C]

Oh, really?

[D]

John Ritter.

[C]

John Ritter.

[D]

Oh, here's this, Is this, is this a scene? If you googled, meet mulling, America ran out of gas.

[C]

That's, that's you. You gotta Google Meet Mo Ling in blonde hair.

[D]

No, no, no, I, I, I'm, I'm the Vietnamese, Vietnamese rock and roll singer.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

The thing is, this takes place in the future. 1998, when there's no more gas.

[C]

Right.

[D]

And the president lives with his girlfriend in a condo and he's an S hole. And I come from Vietnam, which is like Paris. It's the coolest place on earth because of all the war money. So it's the only cool place. And I come to do a telethon for America because America's broke.

[C]

I remember this movie and I'm a big star again.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Fred Willard was, I think a lot.

[C]

Of this stuff was sort of coke fueled back in the day, you know. This is a bizarre movie.

[D]

Oh, absolutely insane. It was an insane movie. That's me.

[C]

Yeah. Talking about like 79, 78.

[D]

I think it came out in 1980, which we all thought was so futuristic.

[B]

It was, was 1980.

[C]

Right.

[D]

And yeah, but you got to Google meat mulang and I, it's, it's insane.

[C]

Yeah, A meatloaf.

[D]

Meatloaf's in.

[C]

The meatloaf is in it.

[D]

I think. There, there I am. Oh, there I am.

[C]

I see. Let's hear. I'm not a country. I'm not an office. I'm not a decorative seal. I'm a person. I'm a man. I'm a man who wants to make love to you.

[B]

Oh, you want to pop.

[C]

I don't know if you could do that today. There's Harvey Corman. Wow. He was holding back then. I do remember. I remember these movies. A lot of these 80s movies, like Hot Tub and stuff like that, where they just pick. They, I think they made the poster before they made the movie.

[D]

That was Roger Corman. I worked for him.

[C]

Oh, there you are.

[D]

Roger Corman used to see a movie like Back to the Future came out and he came running in the next morning and he went, I got it. And he had like a drawing on a piece of paper. Forward to the past. Because Back to the future. So now he made a movie called Forward to the Past.

[C]

Right.

[D]

It was like, hello.

[C]

Yeah. Again, coke Zane. How do people, if they'd like to contribute, by the way, to the very worthy cause, how do they do that?

[D]

The very worthy cause? They go to Survivor Mitzvah. It's Survivor M I t z v a h.org and you can click to donate. You can also go to YouTube and just search for Zane Busby. Why we go. And you'll see an incredible trailer that I put together of me out in the snow helping these people in their little huts.

[C]

I, again, not a Jew, but once.

[D]

In a while, you don't know you're not a Jew.

[C]

That's true. I make it. I'm certainly honorary. I do make it out to the Holocaust Museum every once in a while. Just when I, you know, feel like I need some cheering up.

[D]

Cheering up, right?

[C]

And I. I see what happened in the Holocaust and then I come home and I go, we need to bomb Germany again.

[D]

We do.

[G]

We do.

[C]

We need to bomb again. Because whatever they. They didn't get off with enough.

[D]

No, they didn't.

[C]

They got off really light considering what they did. You know, that, you know, they had.

[D]

A lot of help. It was like 68 countries.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

So we'll do some extra bombing, but let's start in Germany because they do the most fucked up thing on the planet and they get a lot of, you know, Hitler gets a lot of credit for it, and he should, but he ain't flying airplanes and building ovens and making railroad tracks. And somebody had to. Hitler needed a hand. That's my organization. Hitlerneed a hand. The point is, somebody had to go. Slow down, Adolf. What were you saying again? I'd like to round up all the Jews, put them in an oven. All right, let me get my steno pad out.

[H]

Let's see now, what size oven were you thinking?

[C]

Hey, I'm just spitballing. How about tards and gypsies? As long as, you know, as long as rounding the straight. This is the whole point.

[D]

Not enough people stood up, and now they can stand up. There are still Holocaust survivors out there. If you were too young, you were born after the war, you couldn't do anything then. You can do something now. And they're in their final years. Let's show them that someone cares. Because no one cared then.

[C]

I'll tell you what I care about. Go to my PC. That's right. Everyone has a horrible workplace. That's right. Boy, concentration camp, that'd be a bad place. That'd be a bad.

[H]

So hard to think.

[C]

If I worked at a concentration camp, I would definitely get my iPad and just work from home, you know what I mean? I'd call in. I'd call into the commandant. Yeah. And go, listen, I'M gonna work from home. I'm gonna concentrate at home today. No, but I mean when it talk about, I mean that's the ultimate horrible workplace. I mean you gotta feel bad for everyone in it. But let's, let's face it, there had to be a handful of soldiers just standing there going, fuck, I was a butcher two months ago. What the fuck am I doing here? This sucks. Yeah. So if you hate your workplace, do we want to talk about annoying co workers and bad cubicles? A messy desk? Yeah. Then we got a little contest for you. Go to my PC and you can send them a little tweet about your terrible office, including a picture. You take a picture of your horrible office, send them a tweet about it, and then I'll pick the worst office and you'll win a brand new iPad2. And that way you'll not have to go in, you can just work from your iPad2 because you got to go to my PC and you just get the app and you can use it and you can get to your work computer without having to go in with all the smelly people. Just use hashtag, I should say the hashtag worst office by Friday the 28th. That is Friday 1028 and you could win yourself a new iPad2. For my good friends at go to my PC Zane. Now where were we?

[D]

Where were we?

[C]

Ah, the mitzvah thing. So what? Decide what, what, what made you decide to drop this lucrative directing and writing and performing and all that and head out to all these godforsaken places and do.

[D]

Because when I came back, I was there and I thought, this is a no brainer. When I come back, I'll find a charity that's doing this, I'll donate to the charity, I'll give them my list of people and see ya. You know. And I went on the Internet and there is no charity doing this. There are people doing other things, but there's no one giving them direct financial aid and they really, really need it. So it seemed like I just couldn't just stop because now, I don't know, winter was coming and I'm thinking like, God, there's no heat, they're 90 years old, they're alone in the snow. So I just took it upon myself to keep it going. And then as people that I knew did more and more expeditions over there, they would email me names and go, we just went to Moldova and we found like, you know, 40 people. Put them on your list. And I'm going, what list? You know, and the list Started to grow. So it started with eight people and now it's over 1500 people and growing. So it just keeps.

[C]

How do you know? You know, what if there's just some 31 year old slackers like, oh yeah, I've been there. Yeah, it was hell yeah. Those Nazis are a bitch. I eat a lot of creatine, so I look pretty good.

[D]

But that's why we go. Because we go and we vet them personally. We go get their stories, we know who they are. There's no one there who's like, Hey.

[C]

86 year old old poor bitch who's eating dog food? You weren't in any concert. Get your, get your craggity ass out. You just like dog food. Yeah. Fuck out of here. All right. So very worthy. Cause I'll tell you, I'll tell you what you should do.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

You should check out our good [e-mail]. and I'll tell you why. Because all the money you save doing this, you're running that home business especially. Boom. Goes right to Zane's beautiful program over there. Yeah. At the survivor of Mitzvah projects. Yeah. This is why I get the big bucks.

[D]

Do you want to come read a letter and save a life? We're doing this on November 6th. Famous actors.

[C]

You don't need me. I don't know some Zane. A very, very worthy cause. Come back when the documentary comes out.

[E]

I certainly will.

[D]

Thanks a lot.

[C]

Please. It is survivor mitzvah.org right? And that mitzvah ends with an I try to drink.

[D]

Bring not Jeff back with me.

[C]

If I can find him, please dig him up. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Paul Bryant, Zane Busby and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[D]

You don't know you're not a Jew.

[A]

All right, that's Adam Kulischeau 685. Coming up next, we have Adam Curlischeau, 717, Mike lynch and Mike August on the road with Adam from 2011. Check it out.

[E]

We're driving home. We're 368 miles from LA, so we thought we'd crank out a podcast. Mike lynch has the computer open with your question. Say hi Mike.

[I]

Hey, how are you?

[E]

And we have the satellite radio.

[D]

Set.

[E]

To the First Wave station so we can listen to totally fucked out piece of shit songs from the 80s that should not be on the First Wave network. They should be on the 80s network where they play all the other shitty 80s song this satellite radio plays. So we're hearing a little, little white wedding from Billy Idol because You just. It's not a drive from Sacramento to LA unless you hear some shitty out piece of shit Billy Idol.

[I]

To be clear, it's Rebel Yell.

[E]

Oh, Rebel Yell. Sorry. He has so much range now. Sounds so different. By the way, we're in a car that's capable of 170 miles an hour, but we're going 74 right now because the, the man is out there lurking and we don't want to get a speeding ticket. I'll take the cruise control up to 80. We'll see how it works.

[I]

That actually leads to the first question ace, which is from Aaron Quilling, Panamera, question mark. Granted, if I were given a Panamera, I would drive the out of it. But why the would you pick the worst looking elephant suppository of a car if you had the choice to drive a very fast car for free? There are so many beautiful luxury rocket ships in the world and the Panamera is objectively ugly. I am disappointed. Which is not something I can normally say about you or your show.

[E]

Well, I will say this. What's that asshole's name?

[C]

Aaron.

[E]

Aaron with two A's. Like anyone fucking needs you in your second a. When I first saw this car, I did not like the way it looks. It's hard to build a four door supercar that looks good. It's when I climbed into the car that's when I realized that's when the love affair began with the Porsche. Many experts would beg to differ with your analyses of the Panamera. The inside is a beautiful German cockpit. It's like a fighter jet. And as far as performance goes, you're not going to do much better than this car if it has four doors and it's under a hundred grand. I don't think you're doing better than this car. I did not want to drive a Speedster out here with Mike Mike and all our luggage. Mike August is in the back seat. We're going to set his cell phone off soon just to show you how annoying he is. And I shouldn't have to define the Panamera. I think the riding critics and the car critics throughout the world have already done a nice job of defending this car. I agree it's not the greatest looking car, but it was tested in a wind tunnel and it was tested on the Autobahn and that's a fuck a lot better than most cars can say. And so far, big thumbs up to Porsche for lending us this maybe. Thank you.

[I]

All right, next one is Kevin Leeson. It seems to me that Adam has. Adam makes no bones about the fact that he is a dedicated sports fan. He likes the pugilism of combat sports. He likes the speed of racing sports. He likes the full contact provided by football. So how come Adam isn't a fan of hockey, which combines all three aspects of sports that he appreciates the most?

[E]

Good point. Let's see what other shitty song they're playing on First Wave. It's like they're playing gay club music the whole time. You guys just missed, like, a gay version of I Will Survive or a gayer version, the Donna Summer song. It's First Wave. You're supposed to play the Pretenders and Joe Jackson and Elvis Costello.

[A]

Why?

[E]

Why do we have to hear the fucking Pet Shop Boys? And Mike, back me up. Have you heard a good song on this station since we started?

[I]

No, not since we left Los Angeles.

[E]

All right. Hockey. I grew up in North Hollywood, and we just didn't have hockey. It's too hot, too expensive. There's no ice to be found. And I think hockey is one of those horror. Hockey, the sport of hockey is sort of like poi and vegemite. Either get in early and often or you're out. There's no guy that discovers hockey in his mid-30s, and I'm no different. I appreciate it. I appreciate the skill and the artistry. I love the fact that those guys are like ballet dancers on ice. And it's. It's brutal and it's brilliant, but I just never wasn't. And I'm. I'm sure soccer. No, soccer's gay. I don't like soccer. I'm sure Australian Rules football is cool, or rugby is cool, or cricket is cool. I just never got in on it early enough. And I always feel like a. The Kings, Los Angeles Kings have almost always shocked. And so there's never been any reason to get on board. B, I never played it. You know, I played basketball, I played football, I played baseball, I boxed. I did all that, you know, kickboxing and all that stuff. So I was indoctrinated into that stuff early enough. And you make a valid point, but I'm too old to change. So thank you and sorry for dismissing your point. And I think the world. Well, maybe not the world, but at least North America and certainly California sort of agrees with me on hockey.

[C]

It's.

[E]

On paper, it's the greatest sport ever. On paper, it's 10 times better than baseball. But there's just something not quite there about hockey for me.

[I]

Is it all the foreigners, the European.

[E]

Foreigners I enjoy those guys. I enjoy the Enforcer. I enjoy the fact that those guys were forced to wear helmets, but yet do not cinch up the chin strap so that when their head does hit the ground, the helmet pops off before their head hits the ground. I also like the fact that when they instituted the helmet law in hockey, they grandfathered all the old guys who were in the league before the law came in so they didn't have to wear helmets. So half the guys wearing helmets and the other half weren't. That's a weird sport to me. Imagine football being played that way. But either way, you're right. I just have not embraced it.

[I]

I'm not a hockey fan, but you know what I do dig is that they throw an octopus on the ice like that. That part of the fandom I'm into.

[E]

Yeah. Is that Detroit?

[C]

Boston?

[I]

Not exactly sure where it was, but.

[E]

Mike August, who throws the octopi on the ice, Huh? Yeah, you had a hat trick. But where are you? You got to be somewhere, don't you? No, they don't. They don't do that. Like Charlotte for the Ice Devils or whoever the fuck they have over there. I'm not a hockey guy. We gotta call Damisher.

[I]

All right, well, I've derailed this. I'll get back on track.

[E]

Thank you. I do like throwing the octopus on there. And maybe it is only for the hat trick. And then what do you do? You bring octopus to the game with you in case there's a hat trick.

[I]

Yeah, you have to smuggle an octopus.

[E]

In your pants, I guess. Worst case scenario, no hat trick. We're eating calamari tomorrow night.

[I]

All right. This is from Ryan Holzer. He asks, tell us more about Mr. Supplied Ponzi. I had a junior high shop teacher by that name about 10 to 15 years after you, in another state. And I can't quit wondering if it's the same guy. Hated kids. Vietnam vet. Always telling war stories and telling us why we didn't know shit about the world. Delightful guy.

[E]

Yeah. Mr. Sapanzi. I can still see him now. Just heavy set, big gut, big forearms. He taught phys ed. Do they even call it phys Ed?

[I]

Yeah, I think so.

[E]

Physical Education. He taught phys ed over at Walter Reed in the. I don't know, probably the 50s through the 90s or something. He wasn't a shop teacher, so he taught PE and he hated kids. Along with his cohorts, Mr. Walters and Mr. Hensley. Mr. Nelson, who was Ricky Nelson's cousin. Easy on the eyes. Let me tell you right now, he was cool, probably because he was so good looking. But all the other guys were dicks. And Supanzi, probably not the same guy because Sapanzi was a phys ed and not a shop teacher. On the other hand, I don't know what the criteria was for phys ed. At least when I went to junior high it was like, look, do you have a love of sports? Yes, I do. Do you hate children? Yes, I do. You're in. And that was basically it.

[I]

Would you like to shame them? Make them try to climb up ropes? Maybe throw a dodgeball at them every now and again?

[E]

Yes, yes, yes, I would. Sign here, sign here.

[I]

Mother in law advice from Patrick. Or ask me for mother in law advice from.

[E]

There's a gay song. Came out song in the 80s. What the hell is that? This channel. Such a piece of shit. It's. It's called First Wave. And my interpretation of First Wave is. You're gonna play. It's. It's an 80s station that's supposed to play the first wave of 80s music, but they play bizarre gay disco songs and then songs I've never heard. And I grew up listening to K rock, so I've heard every 80s song.

[I]

Yeah, for the band to stump you, for you to not know what the song is is pretty astounding because you're encyclopedic.

[E]

Please play a decent song. Let's play one. Pretend their song. What's it. It's weird cuz it's all syntho. When did that. All right.

[I]

August just took an amal popper just to. To feel like it's. It's appropriate.

[C]

All right.

[E]

I don't even know what this is.

[I]

Patrick McSally asks. I started listening when you were contemplating the podcast concept on Simmons's show back in 09. And I've been a fan ever since. Since a few times since I've heard you mention how your mother in law was bipolar and had a fourth or fifth degree black belt. Strangely enough, my fiance's mom is a 5th degree black belt who was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So I have to ask you if you have any advice on how to deal with this type of situation.

[E]

My phone's ringing.

[I]

Oh, we're taking a call.

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[I]

Dawson, edit this out.

[E]

Oh, who cares? I'll just let it go.

[I]

All right, all right. So mother in law advice. So far the dude maintain approach hasn't worked.

[E]

Boy, this is tough. Yeah, my mother in law, I mean I. I was there. I think it'll be in the new book, right, Mike, it was her worst day of my life is when she had an episode and we had to go fish her out of her house. And the idea was, you have to go check yourself into the hospital because you're having a manic episode. And she said, I'm not going anywhere. And I said, look, and I feel like I've had this version of this conversation with many souls. I said to her, listen, Helen, which was also the name of my grandmother, who was also fucking nut buster. I said, helen, listen to me. You can either get in the car and me and your daughter can drive you to the hospital and you can get this taken care of, get some medication in you, or I can can call the cops and they will physically remove you from this house. Now, please, think this through. Think of your daughter, think of yourself, think of your furniture, and let's just get in the car and we'll go to the hospital and get you some medication. And she said, call the cops. And my wife started crying, and I just thought was Friday night and I was at work all fucking week long. And I was just like, oh, all right, awesome. And we just sat there for an hour waiting for the LAPD to show up. At a certain point, big black dude and a big white dude showed up. She was in her bedroom.

[I]

Danny Glover and Mel Gibson.

[E]

Danny mentioned that he was too old for this shit. And he showed up and. And they said, where is she? And she was in the bedroom. And they said, can you go talk to her? And I said, well, Helen, now the police are here. And now you need to get in the car and go to the hospital or they will physically take you out of your home and put you in the back of that ambulance and take you to the hospital. And she said, bring it on. I remember thinking, Jesus fucking Christ.

[C]

Really?

[E]

Really? Now, again, symbolically, I've had this conversation with many people in my life where I've said, here is what is. Here's what's going to happen. Sorry we're getting some rough road. Here's what's going to happen. Please listen to me so that it doesn't have to go down this way. And nine times out of ten, the answer is, fuck you, bring it on. And that's exactly what happened. The LAPD tried to grab her. She threw fucking spinning heel kick at one of them, nightgown flying every direction. I remember she tore the watch off of one of the cops. And she was screaming at my wife, why did you do this to me? Why are you making me do this. I hate you. You've ruined my life. My wife was a ball of tears. I was just fucking. Just going, please, old lady, just die. Just die, would you please? And she got thrown into the back of an ambulance. And by the way, it was like trying to get a cat into a dryer. That's what it felt like to me. 71 year old Italian broad just throwing kicks and nails and screaming at the top of her lungs. Just fucking screaming.

[I]

What year is this? Are you. You're married to Lynette at this point or are you still.

[E]

No, I think we're engaged or something. I can't remember. I don't think we're married yet. Anyway, the good news is she died.

[I]

Well, I asked when it was and when whether you're married yet, because I wondered if gave you pause, you know, knowing that this is the family you were going to be.

[E]

It should have, let's put it that way.

[I]

But by comparison to your own family, it's.

[E]

Hey, look, I. You know, at least there were some calories being burned, you know, I appreciated that. My own family sitting home as we speak, waiting to die, so.

[I]

Well, Jim did after some cops with his horn once swinging it.

[E]

Yeah, I'm gonna attempt to switch lanes here. My advice to this guy first, pad up like one of those cops that does the attack dog demonstrations and that. That's about all I got for you. You know, the problem is with people who need to be on meds is they're the only people on the planet who don't think they should be on meds. And you have to keep them on their meds because if they don't stay on their meds. She was a Jesus freak. We even had, I think Jimmy had our friend Tony Barbieri call her as God to try to get her to take her meds on that same night. Or no, on some other occasion. You know, Tony does a pretty good.

[C]

God.

[E]

So I don't have any real advice other than Godspeed. All right, let's see what horrible song they're playing. Oh, finally.

[I]

I was just thinking about this song a second ago because you were talking about that. Whatever dog. A summer gay club version of it it was. And thinking this might be the gayest song notwithstanding Spandau Ballet's gold. This. This might be the gayest song of all time.

[E]

Pet Shop Boys.

[I]

This?

[F]

Yes.

[E]

Nah, I don't think it's yes.

[C]

I.

[I]

What?

[E]

What is going on with this station, Mike? Can't they just play a good song song from the 80s? I. I know you Guys have all heard it a million Times. The early 80s is my favorite genre and my favorite time of music, but it's been ruined by every station because they play the shittiest songs of the 80s. Reel it in a little bit. Radar detector going on.

[I]

All right, well this, this one's less question and more compliment, but I figured it was worth sharing. From Lisa W. I just saw Ace last night at the Keswick Theater. He of course was amazing, had my picture taken with him and was so impressed that he was so kind. As a mom of three, I am confident that I'm not the target demo for the show yet. I'm his biggest fan to the point. Ace gave me a great message at the end of the show. Follow your dreams. I grew up in a similar environment to Adam, so I find his opinions and thoughts very insightful. A year ago, I decided to take Adam as advice. I worked for free for six months learning the ins and outs of the fitness industry. As you can imagine, there isn't a lot of need for a 43 year old mom in the fitness industry. Long story short, I obtained my certification, started my own business and now have many clients along with teaching fitness classes. Love it. I often find myself giving my kids the same advice. Do something you are good at and do it well. I listen to Ace every day. Not only is he hilarious, he is also smart and insightful.

[E]

Thank you. And yeah, I mean, I don't know, I guess there's a couple of modes you can be in, in life. And you know, on being on the road, I was watching a lot of TV and you see 60 Minutes and you see these poor kids who work in these gold mines in Africa and they're just holes in the ground and they're shoeless and they have to go to work at 8 years of age and none of them are going to see their 25th birthday and it's fucking depressing. And then today, right before I left for the theater, they saw this whole expose on like slavery and how it's still going on and the sex trade and I hope you're sitting down, but it's big in Mexico. I know, I know. But every once in a while even, even the greatest place slips up and they're bringing girls over and they're basically enslaving them and selling them and pimping them out. And then they show the other version of it where all these Indian guys come over and they all have to stay in the same hotel for there's 50 of them. And you know, then there's the kids, the migrant field workers and all that. So not to depress you, but by the way, just put me in the mood to do comedy. I smell potatoes. You can smell potatoes?

[I]

Yeah. Some sort of agricultural factory type situation on our left here.

[E]

Yeah. Grapevine smells. The point is, see, those people are all in survival mode. Their job is to make enough money to buy shoes. Their job is to stay alive. Essentially, it's not to thrive, it's to stay alive. The great thing about this country, if you haven't been smuggled in as a sex worker, The good thing about living here is almost everyone who was born here, even if you're born to poverty, you're born in a place and in a time when you're in thrive potential mode. That doesn't mean it's going to happen, doesn't mean it's destined to happen, doesn't mean you're special or God's chosen one. It just means because it's the time it is, and because it's the country we're living in, we all have a chance to thrive. Now, do some people, like Dr. Drew's triplets, have a little easier shot at the brass ring than we do? Yes, they do. But all of us have shoes. And none of us were smuggled in to pick tobacco or have sex with guys who own tobacco plantations.

[I]

Actually, I was.

[E]

Oh, you were one of those.

[I]

I'm not gonna say which one.

[E]

All right, let me turn your seat heater on.

[I]

Sure, sure. Let me. Let me throw it.

[E]

Scared I'm gonna shit myself if I leave it on too long.

[I]

Lisa. Lisa. Give you a nice compliment. So we'll say, go to smart fitnessbylisa.com.

[E]

Yeah, why not? So to finish my dream conversation, because we have only have another five hours on the road, you can say, oh, well, my parents aren't wealthy, or I didn't get the greatest education, or I couldn't avail myself of many the Ivy League institutions or higher learning institutions that we have available in this country, that's fine, but you're not shoeless and going down a mine shaft in Africa. So just by virtue of the fact that you're here and you're here now and you're in this country, you can. And I know a lot of the folks over at Occupy Wall street are going to tell you you can't. But I'm here to tell you you can. Now, you may have to work a little harder and you may have to put in some overtime and you may have to work for free, and maybe you Come from a single parent family. And maybe you're living in a one bedroom apartment and sharing a bunk with your sister and two brothers. I understand all that, but there, that's what I'm trying to say is this. And let's see what shitty 80s songs playing. Play shitty gay songs and then songs I don't know.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey, what I'm trying to say is this the chasm between you take me and Dr. Drew. I grew up kind of crappy apartments and crappy houses, some welfare and some food stamps and some parents that weren't particularly interested and you know, little warehousing at the LA Unified School District and some carpet cleaning and some ditch digging. You guys all know the story. And Dr. Drew grew up in a nice home in Pasadena with a dad who was a physician and was off to Amherst when he was 17, by the way, I just learned this the other day. Now there's a chasm between Dr. Drew and myself in terms of who's going to have success in this lifetime. I mean, one guy starts off a little bit disadvantaged, that's me. And the other guy grows up a little more advantaged. He can get educated, can have higher paying jobs, so and so forth. But that chasm between, between Dr. Drew and myself, or even Dr. Drew and some guy who's, you know, first, second generation, came from Mexico, you know, dad's driving a forklift at night to keep the family fed. That chasm is still much smaller than the chasm between me and the guy whose dad drives to forklift and the guy who going down the mine shaft with no shoes on in Africa. That chasm is mammoth. That space between our two lifestyles is mammoth. So just by virtue of the fact that you live here and it's 2011, means there's really no excuse not to do or at least try to do almost anything you want in life. And I wish more people were aware of that. And we send a weird mixed message in this society, which is if you turn on the commercials, it's all about, hey, it's your world, you can do anything you want. And we feed kids this steady diet of you can be anything you want, you can have anything you want, you can do anything you want. But then you turn on the news and they start telling you about how there's a growing space between the people that have and the have nots, and how, you know, without a college education, you're 44% less likely to make over 30 grand a year and all that bullshit. So there's a weird mixed Message that we send. One is a sort of bullshit fairy tale message that's dreamt up by the sneaker companies, and the other is a doom and gloom that's dropped dreamt up by the news companies. To just get eyeballs. I would suggest that you throw out the high and the low and just proceed. And realize we have a fairly level playing field. Not totally level, but as level as most countries get. And you should just go out and do what you want to do or not and quit bitching about it.

[I]

All right, well, I think Mike August is asleep in the back, so maybe we should call his phone.

[E]

I think that's a good idea to listen what we've had to put up with this entire trip. Mike lynch is dialing Mike August as we speak.

[I]

I hope I'm not here. Did you turn your face phone off?

[E]

Now take that thing out and let's let everyone hear just how loud that thing is. First off, reggae is the worst ringtone ever, especially for you. And then secondly, it is louder than that thing must have been buried between your ass cheeks.

[I]

August, put it up here a little bit. I'm gonna call it again. So the phone is about 10 inches away from the roof.

[E]

That thing went off three times. All right, get rid of it, get rid of it. That thing went. That thing went off three times. We ate in a Hungarian restaurant tonight that was the size of my fist. That thing went off three times and annoyed everybody who was trying to devour their schnitzel. And I said, mike, can you turn that down? And Mike said, no, I don't know how. And I said, can you change that horrible, horrible ringtone? And he said, no, I don't know how.

[D]

That.

[C]

I do know how.

[E]

It's the best ringtone. You can't turn it down. And then guy at the store couldn't turn it down, Michael. Yeah, but it was a bait and tackle shot. Listen, Mike then pointed out to me that your whole old music is Vivaldi and it's deafening. So you get it on both ends with you and Mike Lynch.

[I]

If you put your call, yes, I.

[E]

Will call August on speaker and I have to take my earpiece out when I call. Every time you call Mike, Mike's phone, he does not pick up. There's no pickup. You get put on hold and you hear the loudest, most annoying classical music on the planet.

[I]

Oh, we got this mash up going.

[E]

It is quite a contrast. And headaches.

[C]

Just fading it.

[E]

All right, all right, that's enough. And then it makes that noise. Jesus, effing. Christmas. All right, let's take a quick break. Oh, well, you know what? Let me give a little love to us, Amazon. This Porsche Panamera, it doesn't run on good vibes, people. We got to put gas in the tank, and this thing doesn't exactly sip it. Oh, radar detector. Radar detector. Point is in. The radar detector ain't free either. We. All right, we.

[I]

If we get pulled over, this is gonna be the best podcast that ever.

[E]

We're just gonna leave that recorder running. All right?

[I]

What I'm gonna need you to do for me right now is turn off the recorder for me right now. Okay. The digital recorder that's on your lap right now.

[E]

Okay. Right now, sure. All right. The speed limit says 7:70 here. I'm setting the cruise control for 70. I can go 75, right? I'm gonna set it for 75. This is a stretch of the grapevine where they hit you with the radar when they're coming at you. So you're going south, they're going north. They hit you. Used to be they just come up behind you. Now they hit you, coming at you, and then they whip around what I would perceive as a very dangerous maneuver. And then they spread a bunch of gravel out onto the black top as they peel out and fishtail and come up your ass and ironically, as I always say, explain to you how dangerous it is going nine miles an hour over the fucking speed limit. It is almost midnight. I'm staring in an endless straightaway, and I'm driving an autobahn burner that is going at about half the capacity it was designed for. Ah, Amazon. Yes, yes. The love that you send us through Amazon is so wonderful, whether you're doing Christmas shopping or any kind of shopping. And if you're going through Amazon, Please go to AdamCarolla.com first and click on the Amazon banner. And as I've said many times, the very definition of win, win, hand of God. Win. Win, hand to God. It is win, win. Thank you. Also, as long as we're talking money, how about one of our fine sponsors? How about mangrate? God, I love these guys. There is not a human being that I. I've handed a man grate to that doesn't go ho shit. I mean, it will pull an elbow out of its socket. It is a wonderful piece of American ingenuity. So simple, yet so advanced. 100% made in America. 100% cast iron made by a guy who used to make field computers and wanted to branch out. Uses an American foundry. This is money. Going right back to the system. Not going out out to China. It is staying here. Not going down a hole in Africa. Staying right here in the good old US of A. Go to AdamCarolla.com and click on the Man Grate banner and you get a free grill and brush with our logo in it. $19.99 pound for pound. Best deal on the Internet.

[I]

It's the gift that keeps on grilling.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

High five. Yeah. All right, quick break. Wait, let's hear what 80 stations. Just taco or men without hands? Why the weird gay SK synth? All right, that song's going to set.

[C]

Off the gayar detector.

[E]

Whoa my August. Everybody go to the 80s channel and see what piece of is playing on the 80s channel. So speak. Walk this way.

[I]

Yeah. This is the Run DMC version though.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Matchup.

[E]

All right, so we've got that to look forward to for another 321 miles. Quick break. Be back for our podcast Road show after this. Back on our podcast Road Road Trip show. Heading back from Sacramento again. I'll set the table. It is 11:50 in the PM. We left Sacramento about an hour ago. For those of you who don't know, Sacramento is about 385 miles out of LA, so we will be driving through the entire night. We just played a sold out show in Sacramento. Before that, Fresno. We're driving the Porsche Panamera Radar detector up front. Mike August is napping in the back. Mike lynch is reading your email questions.

[I]

And the next one is from James Austin. And it's actually a three part question, saving us some paper giving us three questions. First one, have you ever taken any flying lessons, worked on your private pilot's license, or thought about getting your own airplane?

[E]

All good questions. People brought this up many times. All I've done in my life was fly model airplanes, remote control airplanes, and I've crashed every single one of them, including a turbine powered jet. I don't mean a ducted fan, I mean an actual jet. The miniature jet that spools up to 100,000 rpms is made in what country? Anybody? Germany. It is a jet that was worked on for two years. It cost me about $10,000 and on its maiden voyage, it crashed and burned. I've always taken this as a bit of a message and always thought, you know what? I'll get my kicks driving my vintage Datsuns on the racetrack and doing my vintage racing and I'll let you guys get your kicks doing your piloting. Dexter from the Offspring does hit me up every year to Go to the Nevada, or I should say the Reno Air Show. He flies. He has a. Like a. I don't think it's a. It's either a Soviet jet or either. It's not Soviet. Some Eastern bloc country jet that got retrofitted, like a GE engine on it. And some guy flies it for him, I think at the Reno Air show, which is the hairiest, craziest sport on the planet. He also has just a couple of private jets. And I suppose one of these days I'll take him up on his offer and at some point he'll turn the yoke over to me when we get to a safe enough altitude. And I will actually say I've flown a jet that I look forward to. You know, it is one of those things that I should do and I think it's really cool and I respect everyone who does it, but at a certain point, point you just have to kind of pick your poison. And for me, I think it's going to be the vintage race cars for now.

[I]

You just mentioned Reno. Quick reminder, by the time this airs, we'll be very close to our New Year's Eve and New Year's Day show at the Nugget in Reno. Sparks, don't mix them up. They will get mad at you.

[E]

Yes. Yeah, I think we're in Sparks, Nevada.

[I]

Sparks, Nevada. John Esquaga's nugget.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, he sounds like he had one of his testicles removed, doesn't it? And open a casino in it.

[I]

So the second question from our same friend here, you used to ride a motorcycle year round. Have you ever gone to and ridden on a track day? Not race, just track day. On a sport bike?

[C]

No, back.

[E]

Back when I had bikes, I had no money for track days or anything of the sort. So later on when I made some money, I just ended up getting the old vintage race cars. But I would. I loved riding bikes. I was a pretty good rider. Not, not, you know, wouldn't be dragging my knee up through Mulholland, but I rode pretty well. Well. And I have some friends such as David Allen Greer, Dax Shepard and. What the hell did we just have on there? Oh, Alonzo Bowdoin. Yeah, Dax and Alonzo and Dag who always tries to drag me out to the MotoGP out here. Laguna Seca, we're probably passing it as we speak. They always try to drag me out and Dag does do those track days. And Alonzo, well, Alonso can show you the pins in his wrist to prove he's done those track days. I'D love to go to one of those riding schools and just do. Just do a track day. Just where they put you on the bike and they have the instructor and they show you how to drag your knee and all. You get the full leather and everything. And, yeah, I would dig on doing that, and I will do that one of these days soon. And if there's anyone listening that has one of those schools, feel free to hit us up and give me a free lesson now.

[I]

You have, you know, preternatural balance. You have amazing balance. Like, I fear ever getting on a motorcycle because I just know that that will just be the end of me. Is it as really as hairy as it seems from a balance perspective or is it.

[E]

No, the bikes are sort of gyroscopic and they sort of hold themselves up once you get up to speed. And as I've told. As I've bragged many times before, but I will use no hyperbole. I rode my Honda 404 from the top of Mulholland all the way down Coldwater, which is very windy and very steep, all the way down the Valley side and all the way across Ventura Boulevard and across Moore park, the next boulevard, all without ever touching the handlebars. One time, I put the bike in neutral, I used the foot brake, and I put both hands on the tank, and I simply worked the foot brake and leaned and it was like a gyroscope. That bike handles very nicely, so it was easy to do, but you feel a lot more comfortable on a bike than you think you'd feel. It's a lot like the unicycle. When you see someone ride it, you go, oh, my, that looks impossible. Once you get on the bike, you do feel very good, but you go from feeling really good to feeling really shitty really fast. On a bike, if you fuck up. Listen, when I had bikes, I had a couple ninja six hundreds and some 404s and stuff. I had little regard for my own safety. I was in my 20s, I was in a rush. I rode like an asshole, and I rode like I was invincible. And thank God I never got into any serious trouble. But I pushed pretty hard on that bike. And I never, never had a problem. But I was, you know, I have my hyper vigilance disorder, and it probably steered me clear of a couple of scrapes.

[I]

All right, our last question from James Austin in his Rickofquestions. Do you ever shoot guns for fun?

[E]

I have a lot of. Of guns now because my wife has a lot of guns. Long story. Her dad has A lot of guns and gave me a lot of guns. I grew up to be turned off to guns. I grew up that sort of hippie, non violent family that always blamed guns for all the woes in the world. And I never really was a big gun fan. One of the funner things I did was go to the Hawthorne SWAT team when I was doing a man show bit and fire every gun they had in their arsenal. And I was firing fully automatic machine guns and shotguns. One shotgun which just had a huge slug round in it. Just like a huge marble shoot it through engine blocks and stuff. Huge kickback like a musket. Anyway, shotguns, pistols, magnums, everything they had in their arsenal and I dug it. But the thing that's weird and I always say this is it feels exactly how you think it would feel. Like when you take that machine gun and you put it on the full automatic and you squeeze off a couple of rounds, it feels exactly how you would think a machine gun would feel. Had fun and you know, think it's a good idea to be able to handle a gun and know that, how to handle it for safety and also, you know, responsibility but just sort of weirdly never, never got off on it.

[C]

Never.

[E]

It never, I mean to me, you know, doing something like the vintage car racing just flips my cookie. Just total adrenaline rush. Just dig every second of it. And for some reason firing the guns is never, I guess it's supposed to. And I don't want to offend the gun owners, but there's a party who's supposed to make you feel like a big man. Like, yeah, don't fuck with me. Yeah, there's a new sheriff in town. Yeah, there's a skill part where you like have to shoot targets and stuff. And I'm a pretty good aim and had fun, had fun. But I don't know why. It's never, it's, it's, it's never, it's just never got me off. And I like the mechanics of the gun. Like I like holding one in my hand. I like the way it looks, I like the way it feels. I appreciate the craftsmanship in it. I just, I have a lot of vintage pistols and again, they're not mine, they're given to me by my father in law. But you just feel the artistry and the craftsmanship, just that knurled handle and just, just the way the metallurgy and the metalsmiths and the way they made these and these guns are from, some of them are from the 20s and 30s and they're just brand new. There's nickel plated. It's the weight and the balance in your hand. They feel awesome. But I guess for me, as a guy who's not a fan of power, which I know sounds weird, I don't like having that power. I don't like knowing that I could hurt somebody or kill somebody or, you know, shoot that watermelon, which is one of the things I think I believe. When I was at the Hawthorne SWAT team, I took that shotgun, put the slug round in it, that big marble in it, and shot a huge honeydew melon and it just, just evaporated the thing.

[I]

Yeah, I've done. I was raised the same way without guns. And it was, it was not something that was, you know, Massachusetts suburban, you know, there was no guns happening.

[E]

But didn't your dad once attempt to make a gun out of a cigar tube in a miniature cereal box?

[I]

Yeah, he talked to my Uncle Ray at the dwp. He got some old signage from an old bridge and they started pounding away.

[E]

At it with a mallet. It really was like your dad was in prison.

[I]

There were ingenious moments. I mean, there were a lot of homemade costumes and toys and things like that, and he was pretty handy with that stuff. But I have a similar father in law has introduced me to the gun world. He's hunting as you listen to this right now, because it is deer season in Mississippi and he is nuts about them. And when I've gone to visit, it has been really fun. More, more fun than I ever thought it would be to just fire at targets or at coffee cans or whatever. Yeah, but it wasn't that kind of like, oh, I'm gonna go kill someone, because I can. You know, I think that there's a lot of mythology about, like, if you give people guns, they'll use them and.

[E]

No, no, I, you know, I, I grew up around that, you know, guns don't kill. I mean, guns do kill people and it is the people that shoot them. Like, I was very anti gun my whole life. I'm still sort of anti gun. But if you think about how many guns, and I think there's more guns than there are people in the United States, surprisingly few of us get shot on a daily basis. Says a little something. And then as Michael Bohr pointed out when he did our podcast, what was it? Sweden or Switzerland, I can't remember which place where they actually give assault rifles to every male because they don't have an army. And it must be Switzerland or. It's one or the other or both, I can't remember. And it's sad that I don't really know the difference between Switzerland and Sweden, but then again I didn't know the difference between Chinese culture and Japanese culture until about eight years ago. But they give every, every like male is issued an assault rifle and they have the lowest incidence of shooting gun related fatalities in any, in any place in the modern world.

[I]

Yeah, but they're all white. Edit that out, Dawson.

[E]

I was just thinking it, I wasn't saying it. Point. Yeah, I like when people I love one of those things where everyone's, everyone's like, why is that everyone's thinking the exact same thing? Because they're not in Nicaragua. But Jesus Christ, imagine that policy in like Columbia. Hey, everyone gets an assault rifle. They would all go out by and celebrate by shooting them into the air and then shooting each other if they weren't having one of those festivals of fire where they light shit, throw it at.

[C]

All.

[I]

It's those weird fest like we don't have those festivals here in the United States where it's like just one day we're all just gonna throw tomatoes at each other or just like, oh, it's the day where we all throw paint at each other.

[E]

Like we don't have that shots on the high beams. You know what it is? I, I think it's two things. A, we're not really old enough for that shit. Some of it, some need old. And B, now you know, we got cable. We are not going to be bothered by throwing Roma tomatoes at people or lighting Molotov cocktails and kicking them at other people in the street. We're too litigious and we're too worried about basic.

[I]

I came up with a great plan today. I was looking at the flat screen in our hotel room and I was noticing every hotel that we've gone to on these road trips, it's all flat screens now. And it couldn't have been more than two, three years ago that those would have been the big full size TVs. Where are all those TVs going? And shouldn't we come up with a charity where we take those deep dish TVs and send them over to other countries so that they can get, get cable and stop having the problems that they have.

[E]

I, I agree. I keep thinking that too. Like I, it was really, it's really only been two years, like four years ago. That was the way you could tell a decent hotel from a hotel. The hotels had the big tubes. It was funny because I was actually, I was talking to Arsenio hall the other day and I said, arsenio, have you ever been on a flat television? I said, because every TV you've been on has been thicker than it is wide. Right? Have you ever been on a thin tv? You had to be there, but it was pretty funny. So I. So a few years ago, that's like if you went to a hotel and they had that flats, you know, that thin, you can't just say flat screen. You have to say thin screen or whatever. But anyway, now they all got retrofitted like they got cheap as shit. And even the cheapest pieces of shit, Mike puts us up in. And believe us, believe me, Mike puts us up in cheap pieces of shit, they still have the flat panel television. And yes, those things all must have been scooped up and moved somewhere, but I think they're all on a beach in India. I get the feeling, if you remember back in the day, especially if they were a decent sizer like a 24incher or 32incher, it would cost way more to ship one of those things to, you know, Africa than it would cost to buy a new flat, you know, for Bill Gates to buy them a new flat screen. Right. I mean, those things were fucking bricks. You remember how heavy those were? Yeah, I missed the whole thing where they had like the pivoting apparatus.

[H]

Yep.

[E]

That's got to be a shitty company. Like if you're, you're the guys who made the pivoting apparatus or the guys that made the. Remember the bars that had those things up in the corners and you made one of those steel hooks, hanging bracket from the wall that had the strap over the top of it for the earthquake.

[I]

All right, so let's go to another question.

[E]

This went bad 80s.

[I]

Oh sure. First wave.

[E]

All right, Smith.

[C]

Finally.

[E]

All right.

[I]

So this is from Chris, Chris Ottinger. Hey, Ace, man, with your busy schedule, the twins, etc, how do you and the missus find time to keep the flame alive? My wife and work. My wife and work got two young kids. I'm lucky if we can get it on four times a month. Any tips?

[E]

Oh, man. You know, honestly, what happens is, well a, you get some square footage, you get a nanny and you get a lock on your bedroom door. I've been saying this a fucking million times. Get a lock on that bedroom door. I do not want to horrify my kids by exposing them to the back of my sack. I don't even want to see the.

[C]

Back of my sack.

[E]

You know, to be Honest, you don't have as much time for the intimate moments. That's the bad news, is by intimate moments you mean master, I mean beating off in the sink downstairs. But the good part is you're both so fucking tired, you don't give a shit. We're passing a 84 Toyota extended cab long bed with a primered fender that is fucking filled with refrigerators. And by cracky, that guy's gonna stay in the left lane. He will stay in that left lane if it kills him. He's just been passed by 30 fucking four other cars, but he will not move out of that, that left lane. I mean, we're going up a hill. He's driving a 30 year old Toyota truck that is filled with durable goods and he is, and it is a piece of shit. And he is sticking in that left lane. By the way, this car just wept a drop of transmission fluid. Isn't passive because this car comes from a land that if you're going 170 miles an hour and you're in the left lane and somebody comes up on you, you're getting a ticket. You don't ride in the left lane unless you're passing somebody. Must be nice to come from a culture that has a passing lane.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Remember when we were driving out here, Mike, Remember when August was piloting the vehicle and we got behind that douchebag in the Nissan Sentra?

[I]

Oh yeah.

[E]

And Mike like the guy was just doing 63 miles an hour in the left lane and Mike came up behind him in the autobahn cruiser and he flashed him the high, the xenon high beams. And the guy sat there and he let a half mile go and he flashed him a fucking high beams again. And the motherfucker did not budge. And eventually we did a dangerous move where we pulled out to the right and then pulled in front of him and every car was just pulling out around him and he was just fucking stuck there. And I just sit there all the time and I go, is this comfortable for you to be in the left lane in your piece of shit Sentra and have a guy's xenon lights up your ass and flashing the high beams and going, do you enjoy this process? What's in it, Mike, Our third book, what's in it for you? I want to know, other than just being a general douche, what is in it for you?

[I]

Gave us the stink eye when we, when we made the pass move too.

[E]

How dare you? And look, to be fair to him, and I don't want to be Fair to him, but the posted speed limit was 65 and he was going 68. So his thing was you. And it's like, I don't care. Everyone behind you is doing 80 and you move the over.

[I]

Yeah. By the way, General Douche, my favorite Civil War general.

[E]

Yes, yes. You've all seen the statue. Sorry. Apply the break here.

[I]

All right.

[E]

Eighteen wheeler over here.

[I]

Okay.

[E]

Oh, I got a piss.

[I]

All right. Paul Desmond asks, have you ever had a paranormal experience, like ghosts, Sasquatch, aliens or psychic activity?

[E]

I was laying in my hotel bed last night and it felt like someone was mistaken massaging my feet.

[I]

That was August.

[E]

Oh. And now that he's trying to get. He's trying to get to my wallet sleep so I could get to my wallet. It was weird because I was watching one of those commercials for this, like, celebrity.

[I]

Celebrity Ghost Stories.

[E]

Boy, by the way, are they fun scraping the bottom of the barrel with what they call some of those. You're talking to guys done Dancing with the Stars with six people I've never heard of. But at this point, and, you know, we've all. Well, wow, It's a huge owl just flew right in front of our car. This is Susan Olson. Yeah, this is Brady Bunch Susan Olsen talking about her fucking paranoia, paranormal activity. And at this. I'm sorry, Susan Olsen, you are officially not a celebrity. It has been 38 years since you last stood in front of a camera when they weren't asking you questions about ghostly encounters. And I was just laying there, my hotel room, and I was feeling a presence. Like, they always go. I could feel. It's always crazy people who could feel people in the room. But I was feeling a presence, like, literally massage my feet. And then I realized I had some tape around my feet that. It's a long fucking story, don't get me fucking started. But I have this guy and he's like my buddy, personal trainer, whatever. And once a month he comes over to my house and he fucking cracks my back and gives me an alignment. Sometimes he holds the focus pads, names Kelly Carter. And he's a cool guy, does this shit. And once in a while, he'll just bust out the acupuncture. He'll just bust out the acupuncture needles and just start fucking sticking them in me, you know, and it's cool. And listen, I'm, you know, me, I'm not. I'm not into, you know, I'm not into the, you know, colonics and all that shit, but I can tell you, once a month, laying down, having A guy crack your back, pull your spine a little bit, stretch you out, put a couple acupuncture needles in your ass. It's nice. It feels good. You feel better when you're done. So I'm lying there, I mean, like my workout room, and it's hot, all the windows are open. I'm fucking on my back. And he's, you know, telling him, stressed out, gonna go on the road. I got a lot of shit to do. And just. Just feeling. Just been on the road, going on the road. Just a lot of airports. Just feeling the stress of life and fucking laying there. And he can't hear me because my gardener's in the courtyard with the leaf blower. He's just fucking blowing that thing. And we're trying to have this conversation with fucking gardener, who I've told, don't use the leaf blower anymore. It's just fucking blown away. So in the middle of my acupuncture session. Well, Enya's playing. I gotta yell at Kelly because I can't move. Go run in the house, yell at Jay to yell to her mane to shut the fucking leaf blower off. Thanks, man.

[I]

Speaking of X Band, let's see if there's some X happening on the first wave. There's not one instrument in this song.

[E]

Now, what is that thing, that 80s British moan rock? Like weird, whiny, gay complain rock, you.

[C]

Know, like never before was what you.

[E]

Said the time before. You know, like, shut the up, never again. I'm happy to say I don't know this song. Yeah, but what is that? Just syntho? Just British complaints, Laney. Like the. Just. It's Depeche Mode. The king of the moan rock. Oh, shut the up.

[C]

And. This isn't music.

[E]

If you have a laptop, you can do this.

[I]

So you were. You were starting to segue into paranormal experiences.

[E]

Oh, yeah. No, never. And the reason why is. It's a pretty simple reason. A, I'm from North Hollywood, and B, I'm saying, and, oh, see, I'm not a chick. This only happens to nutty broads, and it never happens to anyone in North Hollywood.

[I]

Yeah, I've seen that promo that Susan Olsen, you know, celebrity ghost story promo that you're talking about. And she says, I felt this force holding my shoulders down and I couldn't get out. It's like, oh, you're recovering a memory of molestation.

[F]

That's.

[I]

That's what that is.

[E]

That's.

[I]

That's Uncle Bob.

[E]

Yeah. What about the force that's been holding your career back? For 40 years. That's, that's. You better burn some sage for that. Now I feel a force on my bladder.

[I]

Yeah, we're coming to the hour mark or maybe even past at this point. So let's wrap up with Oscar. I can't read your last name, but you're asking. Oscar Moncada is asking if Adam is a member of the Mile High club.

[E]

Oh, no, no, I've never, never had sex. I don't think I've ever even had sex in Denver. We were on the road and I beat off in Denver last week. Right, Mike? Yes. He's asleep. That counts. I'm gonna count. I'm gonna count beating off in your hotel room in Denver as being a member of the Mile High club. All right. I mean, you know, maybe that's, you know, maybe it's, it's like, it's. It's like saying you hit a home run but it was an inside the park or like the right fielder didn't handle the ball right, he missed the cutoff and then the cutoff over through home plate. But either way goes down in the book as a home run.

[I]

You beat off on a technicality.

[E]

That is a very good note to go out on. And on that note, we'd like to thank you for listening to this very bizarre episode where we drive literally through the night back to Los Angeles where hopefully we'll arrive somewhere around 4:30. Jesus Christ. We'll figure it out. So until next time, this is Adam Perla, Michael lynch and with napping Mike August and Mahalo.

[A]

Alright, that does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, model and get it on.

[D]

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[B]

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