Ben Gleib + Jay Mohr (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Ben Gleib + Jay Mohr (Carolla Classics)

Date: May 30, 2026
Guests: Ben Gleib, Jay Mohr
Co-hosts & Contributors: Bald Bryan (Bryan Bishop), Allison Rosen, Teresa Strasser (in classic clips), Donnie, and callers

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode features two vintage, high-energy episodes of The Adam Carolla Show, spotlighting comedians Ben Gleib and Jay Mohr. In classic Adam fashion, these episodes mix sharp, conversational riffs on everyday annoyances, family, pop culture, and societal oddities with guest interviews, games, and trademark rants. Throughout, Adam and his rotating cast display their improvisational comic style, blending raw honesty with over-the-top humor and quick wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Adapting to Life's Disruptions & Human Resilience

(03:24–09:39)

• Adam launches into his “normalize the chaos” riff, describing how people adapt to situations like messy house renovations, losing loved ones, or health setbacks.
• Adam Carolla (06:22): "It's amazing what you can get used to and what you can live with… there’s that point where you've been living in this place... After about three weeks of that, it just is."
• Brain chemistry and habituation: How we recalibrate to “even” after extremes.
• Draws a parallel between this and the hilarity/depression of living in perpetual disorder (i.e., appearances on "Hoarders”).

2. Sports Viewing Frustrations: The Ticker Dilemma

(10:35–15:18)

• Critiques TV sports highlights spoiling drama with score tickers.
• “Why are you making it theatrical when we've seen the ending?”
  – Adam Carolla (13:19)
• The group debates lopsided presentation of information and failed attempts to maintain suspense (blocking tickers with cardboard is floated as a solution).
• TV viewing adaptations and ritualistic sports consumption—why do we prefer highlights packaged with drama?

3. Entrepreneurship & Taking Risks

(16:02–24:47)

• Caller "Adam from San Diego" seeks advice about leaving a stable job for self-employment.
• Adam dishes on his blue-collar, unambitious family origins and lack of role models for entrepreneurial risk.
• Adam Carolla (17:12): "I come from a complete and utter lack of work ethic in my family. One fucking thousand percent."
• Hard-won lesson: You don’t have to quit your day job to pursue new ventures—start on nights/weekends, know when to “make the switch.”
• Work ethic, time management, and the skill of getting things done as underappreciated life assets.

4. Food, Ritual, and Delayed Gratification

(28:04–34:39)

• Is buying pre-cooked ribs a cop-out? Panel muses on the merits of home-cooked vs. store-bought, and the ritual of barbecue.
• Adam’s nostalgia for the emotional power of slow-cooked meals and the virtue of anticipation:
• Adam Carolla (32:21): “There's something to that wait on it... I believe that you enjoy that brisket 25 to 40% more than if you had a magic brisket wand—which is what I call my junk.”

5. British Food & Cultural Oddities

(35:28–39:39)

• British caller Matt prompts discussion on America’s fascination with fish & chips.
• Adam and crew riff on how food is delivered (in newspaper), leading to cross-cultural jokes.
• Adam is bemused by listeners insisting on telling him facts everyone knows (“Hey boss, did you know in England they wrap fish and chips in newspaper?”).

6. Messages in a Bottle and Old-School Communication

(41:48–44:33)

• Remembering when people penned notes on dollar bills or sent messages in bottles; how those rituals have given way to instant gratification via the Internet.
• Longing for the anticipation and mystery of slow, analog communication.
• "Now I think we're getting our message rocks off on the Internet." — Adam Carolla (44:33)

7. Joan Rivers Documentary & Reflections on Success and Loneliness

(46:55–49:51)

• Bald Bryan recommends Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (documentary), drawing parallels between relentless drive and never taking satisfaction in one’s achievements.
• Adam Carolla (49:16): “Always sort of running scared... never being able to really just sort of sit back and just to feel like she'd achieved what she did.”

8. Ben Gleib Segment: Game Show Logic and Stereotypes

(51:04–62:49)

• Ben explains his GSN show “Idiot Test,” offering zany sample questions ("If you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?").
• Hilarious improv segment matching car types to driver ethnicities, knowingly riffing on stereotypes and the absurdity of them.
  • "Honda Civic? Go Asian." – Adam Carolla (61:53)

9. Generational Work Ethic and Entitlement Riffs

(52:00–58:58)

• Adam and Ben mock “birthday weeks,” “half birthdays,” millennials taking days off for minor events.
• Vintage Adam: “Didn't birthdays, like when you had a job, isn't this how the job worked?... But now work is being arranged around you." (58:08)

10. Allison’s News: Joan Rivers’ Funeral / Pop Culture Segments

(63:49–77:17)

• Recap and banter about Joan Rivers’ showbiz-circus funeral vs. Robin Williams’ quieter passing.
• Laugh-out-loud tangent: Adam’s comic thought process on which female celebrity (Bernadette Peters vs. Sandra Bernhardt) would provide a more dedicated blowjob—played for sexual absurdity and body humor.
  • “But when Bernadette Peters is blowing you, that's all she's doing.” – Adam Carolla (69:08)

11. Athleisure: Sweatpants Killing Jeans

(81:04–84:37)

• Blue jeans sales are down, Adam blames Americans' embrace of ultimate comfort culture (“sweatpants and flip-flops everywhere, even for TV interviews”).
• Adam Carolla (83:27): “We have gone to such a comfort level that blue jeans…has become too uncomfortable and confining.”

12. Yoga Pants and the Death of Mystery

(85:31–87:43)

• Raunchy, explicit riff on yoga pants, their prevalence, and how they leave nothing to the imagination for women of all ages.
• Adam Carolla (87:17): “If it was flesh colored yoga pants... you'd say, there goes a nude girl down the street.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Adam on People Settling into Dysfunction

“Once that first week goes by, then we're going to six months. Then that's just your fucking life. And it's a low grade depression.” (08:50)

On Score Ticker Frustrations

“Why are you telling me all the score?... You're ruining it.” (13:19)

Family Work Ethic/Irony

“No one's ever worked a weekend. No one's ever fucking burnt the midnight oil... complete and utter lack of work ethic.” (17:12)

On Ritual and Anticipation

“I think you would enjoy that food 25% less if you had a magic food wand…Don’t you think you would enjoy that food 25% less?” (32:21)

On Instant Gratification vs. Anticipation

“There's something to that wait on it…whether it's sex, whether it's food…there is something to that wait.” (34:11)

On the Erosion of Toughness

“Didn't birthdays, like when you had a job, isn’t this how the job worked? …But now work is being arranged around you." (58:08)

Ben Gleib (Sampling Idiot Test puzzle):

“If you're in a race and you pass the second place person, what place are you in?” (60:28)

On Stereotypical Cars

“The only people I've ever seen driving Pontiacs are black folk.” — Adam Carolla (62:10)
Ben Gleib: "My first car was a Pontiac."
Adam: "And you're black."

On Joan Rivers’ Relentlessness

“She always feels like something is chasing her, like failure’s chasing her.” (49:44)

On Celebrity Funerals & Value

“Do you think Joan feel like she got a lot more love than Robin Williams?” (65:32)
“Robin Williams got a lot of ink, but...it was in the news and it definitely made the rounds. But everyone's coming out, making statements.” (65:46)

On Blue Jeans Becoming Uncomfortable

“Blue jeans...has become too uncomfortable and confining.” (83:27)

Yoga Pants & Teenage Sexualization

“If it was flesh colored yoga pants and they were going down the street...you'd say, there goes a nude girl down the street.” (87:17)

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------------------------------------|--------------------| | Adapting to life’s messes | 03:24 – 09:39 | | Score ticker/football highlight rants | 10:35 – 15:18 | | Caller: advice on entrepreneurship/risk-taking | 16:02 – 24:47 | | Ritual of barbecue/food appreciation | 28:04 – 34:39 | | British cuisine/fish & chips & authenticity | 35:28 – 39:39 | | Messaging on money, messages in a bottle | 41:48 – 44:33 | | Joan Rivers documentary & lessons on ambition/loneliness | 46:55 – 49:51 | | Ben Gleib’s Idiot Test Demo & “Race Cars” banter | 51:04 – 62:49 | | Entitlement: birthday weeks/expectations at work | 52:00 – 58:58 | | Joan Rivers’ funeral/pop culture news | 63:49 – 77:17 | | Athleisure/decline of blue jeans | 81:04 – 84:37 | | Yoga pants: sexuality and society | 85:31 – 87:43 |

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Language, Tone, and Style

Tone: Irreverent, conversational, direct, and comedic, with a heavy use of personal anecdote and off-the-cuff riffing.
Language: Unfiltered and often explicit, embracing edgy humor, cultural stereotypes (often knowingly satirical), and blue-collar everyman relatability.

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Summary

These Adam Carolla Classic episodes showcase vintage Adam with his signature blend: complaining about small annoyances (TV tickers, wedding gift etiquette, lazy assistants), lamenting generational changes in toughness and work ethic, championing delayed gratification, and extracting hilarity from everyday life’s messes. Guests Ben Gleib and Jay Mohr fit easily into this rhythm, bouncing off discussions about comics, showbiz legacy, and the fraught journey from fame to irrelevance to reinvention.

Hilarious sidebars about food (ribs, brisket, British “chippy” chips), sports, and sexual absurdity (“who’d give a better BJ: Bernadette Peters or Sandra Bernhard?”) keep the episode moving at a brisk, unpredictable pace. Through it all, Adam’s real target is mediocrity, apathy, and the slow creep of comfort culture—and he’s always ready to call it out, with or without a piece of cardboard taped to the screen.

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For listeners:
Whether you’re a diehard Carolla fan or new to the show, this episode offers a front-row seat to the rawest threads of American frustration and absurdity—riffed, roasted, and always ruthlessly self-aware.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Bald Bryan]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Bald Bryan]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Bald Bryan]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Bald Bryan]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of

[Adam Carolla]

the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to get access to

[Bald Bryan]

the full archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com sign up and listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcarolla.com Note we cannot play any Loveline content nor any content from the Kayla Sex Adam carolla show from 2006 to 2009.

[Adam Carolla]

I currently do remaster both of those shows.

[Bald Bryan]

For more information please check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni all right, let's get to the clips. Coming first is Adam Carolla Show 1405 featuring Ben Glebe, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light And I was transported to another place.

[Allison Rosen]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay Never. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. Dawson. Fine. Knights in White Satin. We'll listen to the end of that because I just don't think you could ever do that in a song ever again. Good day, Alice and roses. Hello, Adam, Carolla and bald Brian. People are assholes.

[Bald Bryan]

I met a listener named Mike over the weekend. He said, I'm a fan of the show and he edits trailers like, I'm an editor by trade, and I have this drop that I loved when I heard the Dice show. I recorded it. Can I send it to you? I said, absolutely, I'll play it for you. And there it is with the hashtag

[Adam Carolla]

top drop, Droppy seconds. People are assholes. Oh, all right. So it is the beginning of football season. It is Sunday for us, a Monday for you who are listening. I run into this every fucking time. I had to work all day today and must work all day today, and I was in Long beach in the LBC catching a contractor back at the house where the two Marines physically fought in the kitchen last time I was in the house. So that was super comfortable to have those two reunite in the kitchen once again. It is nice to see people have their house after sometimes a year. It's interesting, and here's a little piece of something close to advice for everyone who's listening. Your brain will start trying to get you back to even in every facet of your life. So that's how we say, so how's a guy get to 100 oxycontin a day? He starts with 1, then he goes to 2, and before you know it, the guy's at 100 a day. And he's a thoracic surgeon, and he works every day on 100. And you think to yourself, my God, if I took three of them, I couldn't get out of my front door. But you constantly trying to get back, like we've spoken about, to just that balance point. And you do that thing where you go, oh, if I lost my eyesight, I'd kill myself, and you lose your Eyesight, and you just kind of move on or a limb or a loved one or whatever it is, there's that pain and then there's. Somehow your body just gets it back to. Even when your house gets really fucked up or your life really gets fucked up. And there's that point where you've been living in this place and the carpet's been pulled up and instead of a kitchen, you're cooking on a folding table with a George Foreman grill and the microwave is in the garage. After about three weeks of that, it just is.

[Donnie]

It's normal.

[Adam Carolla]

It just is. It's like going, oh, my God, how could you go to prison? You just go to prison and then that's just your life. And somewhere around the 32nd trip, you say to your wife, I'm gonna to the garage and get the chicken pot pie out of the microwave. You're there and then you blink your eyes and those first three weeks turn into three years and that then becomes a life. And the next thing you know, you're featured on Hoarders as I.

[Bald Bryan]

Featured.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're starring one of the greatest, some of the greatest Corolla conversations I've had with my mom about the friends that she hangs on to that I try to jettison. When I left the old, you know, I was Jenny from the block, but I fucking high tailed it to the hills.

[Bald Bryan]

But don't be fooled by the rocks that he's got.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the friends, we'll call her Molly. Her name is not dad, but it starts with that. I said, how's Molly doing? Oh, mom said, very good, very good. As a matter of fact. Featured on Hoarder.

[Donnie]

You're not the only one on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Is there an outside chance she was featured as the psychotherapist who came in to talk the hoarder down?

[Adam Carolla]

No. She was not trying to put a silver lining. Number two, the old friends that go way back with who live next door. The son had three children, the boy was shot and is blind. Two twin daughters. And as my wife, or as my mom described, one of them is in prison in Florida and the other one's not doing well. They're worried about her.

[Donnie]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, you know, for me, it's amazing what you can get used to and what you can live with. And so you go to these people's houses and the carpets are rolled up and in the corner and they're literally working off the George Foreman Grill and they're doing their laundry out by the river and you blink your eyes and Once six months goes by, that's the kind of shit I think it's like a wedding gift. If you do not bring a fucking gift to that wedding, there's a window of like five working days after that wedding for you to send the gas. You're supposed to have a year, by the way. I don't know what kind of fucking Nazi war criminal came up with this bit of protocol. Oh, you get a whole year. All you're doing is chipping the fuck out of everyone who's getting married. But by the way, that thing's probably 150 years old. When people live to 31 so years, you know, three quarters of their married life.

[Bald Bryan]

Yours are precious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You'd have to wait a whole year to get that mule. So once, like I said, just like the wedding gift, once that window, someone tears your house apart and leaves, you got about a week to get your shit together. Once that first week goes by, then we're going to six months. Then that's just your fucking life. And it's a low grade depression.

[Donnie]

I. This is not a flattering story, but for a while I slept with a drawer full of stuff from my desk on one side of my bed. Cause I like had. It was right after college when I came back to my parents house. I didn't know what I was doing and for some reason I had to remove the drawer to put a file cabinet under the desk. I didn't have anywhere to put it, so I just put it on my bed. And so I just slept in the remaining space for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why everyone should be like a Polaris.

[Bald Bryan]

Just what I was going to say.

[Adam Carolla]

What's a Polaris? It's that pool thing that just goes around the pool constantly. You're constantly going in a circle every once in a while, shooting up, letting you know it's still alive, spraying a rooster tail of water up onto something, but then back down again. It's just a kind of everyone should

[Donnie]

be like an iud.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Floating around a uterus, constantly working constantly, constantly in motion, just constantly not killing yourself, just the constant movement. So you go to these people's houses and the places are completely torn apart. And today was reveal day, which is family over the moon about all the cabinetry in the bathroom and the tile and the hardwood floor and blah blah, blah. And they're, you know, it's really nice to see people, especially with young children, really appreciate having their lives put back together. And also it's not the kind of thing where it's like, well Somebody went and tore apart one of the cabanas out by the tennis court. And, you know, now our peacocks have nowhere to hang. It's not that. It's, you know, 1200 square feet and the whole place is a mess. So we did that. Now, what I'm getting to is between that and this, I'm not going to watch a stitch of NFL football in real time. I'm going to go home and I'm going to fucking turn on SportsCenter. And they're going to do the. Chris Berman is going to go. Now it's time for the highlights. And they're going to do that thing where Atlanta scores first, but I don't know who Atlanta's playing. New Orleans is coming back, except for on the crawl underneath it. It's going to explain that Atlanta beat New Orleans. And then it's. They're going. They're going to do that thing where they're going. Now they try to set up a field goal. And with 31 seconds. But I will have already seen the ticker. Why the ticker? Okay, here's my question. One or the fucking other would be a very good Sesame street segment. Or maybe the Electric Company. One or the fucking other. Which is either just blow through the highlights with the ticker or do it the way you do it. Which is the highlights. They're trying to build some suspense. They're going. Atlanta seemed like they had a comfortable lead going into the fourth quarter, but oh, no, here comes New Orleans charging back, but with minutes left. Is there enough? But you're see, why are you building. Why are you making it theatrical? When we've seen the fucking ending. And they build those highlights in a very theatrical way, they're well done.

[Bald Bryan]

If you don't see the ticker, it's like, it's dramatic. One team goes up, one team comes back. What is the fucking injury?

[Adam Carolla]

What's the ticker for?

[Bald Bryan]

I can't answer that. I will say this silver lining. No drama with your Rams score. That's all I'll say.

[Adam Carolla]

They must have played someone who's going to go 500 this year. Jesus Christ, they suck. But the point is this. Why the fuck. Why are you telling me all the score? And not only am I getting the score from the game I'm watching, but I've just got the score from the next six games that are coming on the highlight reel and footnote to that,

[Bald Bryan]

the one, the crawl on the side, you have the list of upcoming stories. It's usually often it says something like, huge Comeback for San Fran or something. And it's like, well, now I pretty much know where this is going.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

Or like big trouble in Big D or.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So whatever it is, whether it's the television show, reality or not, drama or a theatrical release or whatever it is, don't tell us what the fuck happened before it happened because you're ruining it. Or do not present it in this theatrical way where I'm supposed to be on the edge of my sofa trying to figure out if Atlanta pulled it out, while I'm staring at a score of Atlanta pulling it out.

[Bald Bryan]

Ironically, that was a great game.

[Adam Carolla]

So now I find myself watching tv. I think, like people might watch their dad fuck their hot stepmom with just the one hand up.

[Donnie]

That's how I watch horror movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just a kind of hand up sort of blocking the horizon out. I'm trying to block the fucking crawl out. But the, the ticker crawl is now. Now they have a horizontal and a vertical, so it's hard to block them both out.

[Bald Bryan]

Get a smaller TV, you're watching 2/3 of the TV.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I have to take a, like a 4 inch strip of cardboard and lay it across the bottom of the.

[Bald Bryan]

I had a friend who did that. I had a friend who literally did that with a strip of cardboard.

[Adam Carolla]

I know we're living in a world where we cannot get enough information, but in this particular instance there should be

[Donnie]

an option to shut it off or they should have a feed that doesn't have it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would make this argument to espn. What if I just. You. You would like as many eyeballs on your. On your channel as long as you possibly could.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What if I was just a big Tampa fan and they said, hey, after the commercial, Tampa and Detroit, see who. But I'm looking at the score. I'm tuning out then I already got the score.

[Bald Bryan]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I have a computer. I can find out the score.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. It seemed the one thing that you can't always get used on a computer is highlights put together in a very attractive package. That's the one thing they should be leaning on and offering.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right. Anyway, I'm literally going to put a piece of cardboard.

[Bald Bryan]

I had a friend who did the exact same thing. You may have to do that when you're watching highlights, you know, after the fact.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if I'm going to be working every weekend and I want to get home and crack a beer at 5 o' clock and sit down and really enjoy. Enjoy it in a way where I don't know what happened before. Anyway, Listen, when people TiVo or DVR a game because for some reason they can't be there to playoff game or whatever it is, what do they say to everyone at work? Do not tell me. Do not tell me the score. Right. They want to go home and fucking watch the game. It's driving me nuts. All right. Adam 31, San Diego.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes. Hey, how you guys doing? Hey. Passion balls and hates. Or jewels, I should say.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't tell me how the Bolts did.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, I know. Trying to watch the 49ers game, but I grew up in the Bay Area, but can't get that done here, so I don't really.

[Adam Carolla]

Bolts play Monday night.

[Caller/Listener]

I don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about the score because you haven't seen anything good.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, I want us to know, what was the decision criteria for you to be like, you know, screw it, I'm going to start this business or I'm going to start Mangria, or I'm going to open up a podcast company when you had other businesses. I've got a very stable job right now where I'm making good money, but I've had this idea to start an online business and no one else out there is doing it. And I've got some legal stuff started and bought a bunch of URLs, but I'm just kind of in that mode. And then you got a good podcast with Dr. Drew where you guys kind of talked about this. I can't remember the guy's name, but they were talking about entrepreneurs and basically they were, you know, they were talking about people who face these situations and are basically like, you know, screw. It's worth the risk to people that do it more often, even if they fail. And I was just curious, from your, from your life, have you always had that ability to be like, no, I think this is a good idea?

[Adam Carolla]

Never. No, I haven't. I'm a Corolla. We don't fucking. I don't come from workers. Nobody in my family works. No one's ever worked a weekend. No one's ever fucking burnt the midnight oil. Nobody has ever worked any ot. I come from a complete and utter lack of work ethic in my family. One fucking thousand percent. I mean, my grandmother worked for the VA. She just, you know, she worked 9 to 5 and at 5, 5:02 o' clock every day, she was in her parking lot with the. In the parking lot, the va with the car running, driving home at some point, she worked her way up to probably having like six weeks vacation or five weeks vacation. She took every fucking vacation day she could. She took every second she could. When she wasn't working, she was never working on something else. Wasn't like she took those five days and started selling Herbal Life door to door. She fucking went on a vacation or lounged out by the pool, which was the size of a fucking koi pond. But either way, no. My mom was on welfare and food stamps and basically must have set some sort of junior college record for longest attended without a degree.

[Bald Bryan]

She was gonna be a key to the city.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, she fucking was a fixture around La Valley college for maybe 16 years. Eventually went to CSUN, Cal State Northridge, got herself a degree in Chicano Studies because it was important to get a degree and something that you could never apply, that had zero monetary application to it. Like, if you, you know, if you learn how to be a court stenographer, then theoretically, when you. When you graduate, you have to go get a job as a court stenographer.

[Bald Bryan]

But bringing it back to Adam's question. If your mom had been someone else with a great motor, they could have taken that Chicano studies and written a book or taught a class if you have that motor.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they wouldn't have picked Chicano studies.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they pick things specifically. What my family does is, here's what everyone wants out of life. Well, who doesn't want anything out of life? They'd like to not do anything, but they'd like it to not be obvious that they're not doing anything and they'd like to be left alone. School is a great place to hide because when somebody says, what are you doing? You're 44 years old, bitch. What are you up to? I'm back at school. Well, what do we do as a society? Oh, what? That's a. What? Did you hear that? That's wonderful. You see, you're never too old to.

[Donnie]

You never stop learning.

[Adam Carolla]

You never stop learning how to not fucking work. You're never too old to fucking do nothing. So it's like, we all know these people. They pick kind of things. They're the. I see it occasionally with the women who are going to work and the ne' er do well husbands who start some sort of organic whatever business from the home that's never going anywhere. But everyone you know, yeah, organic baby food. That is awesome. You're doing it right out of your own kitchen now.

[Bald Bryan]

So you picked the vegetables and Sent

[Adam Carolla]

it to them right now if you got the Mrs. Meaning the wife that gets up at 6:30 in the morning, puts her face on, gets ready and goes to fucking work every day and then fights traffic to get home every night. If you put one fucking Michelob Ultra in her and pulled her aside and ask her for 10 seconds about her husband's fakak the business, she'd fucking explode like a pinata of putrid hate all over it. But everyone else does. Oh that's oh. What Mark's doing is really, he's a self started, he's a self starter, right? So there's the things that people do where they get to kind of hide out. Schooling can be that and little home businesses and things like that. My whole thing with that is fine, you want to go back to school, you want to start a business, that's fine. I got to have some results. I need an end game here. It can't just go on in perpetuity. So not to bring it back to this Adam, but here it goes. Grandma just kind of punched a clock, got home as fast as she could. Mama didn't do anything. My dad did the same thing. Stepdad worked for Lockheed and sort of retired sort of after he had 20 years or 30 years in, but was a consistent worker. But nobody ever did anything on the weekends. There was no entrepreneurial spirit whatsoever. Well now it's just a different, it's just a different game. I mean I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday this weekend. I'm working Saturday, Sunday next weekend. There's no, there's no clock stop limit. Factory closed down, can't go back in and work anymore. Sadly. You're free to work as much as you'd like. I don't see any reason in this day and age to go, I'm quitting my job so that I can pursue fill in the blank over the weekend or in the evenings or what have you. Right? I mean, why do you have to quit your gig anymore?

[Donnie]

Yeah, I don't, I don't think you do until the new gig becomes so time consuming that you just switch over.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what happens, Adam, is once you learn how to manage and delegate and figure things out, it gets a lot easier. I mean, what the fuck was Richard Branson when he was 17? I don't know. Not this Richard Branson. Usually these guys start off as kind of fuck up students and then they start a small business out of their garage. But it's a skill. Even though it doesn't have a specific application. Everyone thinks your skill has to have some specific electronic engineer or something like that? No, it's a skill of getting things done. A skill of managing your time. A skill of realizing what you need to be there for and what you don't need to be there for, you can. I've built whole houses where I was only there for about an hour a day. But while I was there, I got everyone lined out, and then I left. And then four hours later, I'd come back for 15 minutes, line everyone out again, and then leave again. But I didn't need to stand there the entire time.

[Bald Bryan]

I knew I'd heard it somewhere. I looked up Richard Branson on Wikipedia. I was a poor student due to dyslexia.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wish I was dyslexic.

[Bald Bryan]

You might be.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Got tested.

[Bald Bryan]

Sorry, buddy, you're not dyslexic. Sorry for non dyslexia, but HIV positive.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, that's something. Yeah, I've said it a million times. I'll say it again, I swear to God. Whitey dyslexic black guy fell through the cracks. Whenever I say to somebody, I'm a horrible reader. Oh, dyslexic, dyslexic. The brother says, that's school system. Let you down, huh? That is so racist. I feel like they can be dyslexic, Right?

[Bald Bryan]

Those people can absolutely be dyslexic.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. We gotta start a campaign.

[Donnie]

Black people for dyslexia.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Donnie]

White people for Black people for dyslexia.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'll be the tip of that spear. All right, so, Adam.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I would suggest doing everything at once. And when the time comes to drop one thing and pretty much go full time on the other thing, you shall know it.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trust me.

[Caller/Listener]

I'll be as happy as you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Yeah. Tell you one thing that does make me happy. Blue apron man. Love these guys. I've tried probably six or eight of their offerings. It's a big box. Got some dried ice packed in there. Come in, bring it out, throw it at my nanny, show her the picture and go.

[Bald Bryan]

Make it look like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Make it look like that. And it looks like that every single time. The portions all just sort of weighed out.

[Bald Bryan]

The ingredient portions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the ingredient portions. Everything is just there. And it's not like one of those things, like, I don't know if you've ever bought an inflatable sex doll. The picture on the box.

[Bald Bryan]

Go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Looks wildly different than what actually comes out of the box, you know?

[Bald Bryan]

What? I mean, yes, it does.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard the picture on the box is a hot chick.

[Bald Bryan]

Don't give me that look, Alison.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, like, you guys just seem

[Donnie]

to know a lot about the difference between the way a sex doll looks on the.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a disaster. Blue apron. When you open that box and it shows you what this is going to be, that's what it is. I had my kids eating it the other day. It is just unbelievable. They got Indian style salmon with cranberry and bean stew, pea radish saute and chicken with candied pistachios. It just works too. I don't know. They must have just some pretty damn good. And also for a guy who's not into the highfalutin, they do. They walk it right up to that highfalutin line but they stop.

[Bald Bryan]

They look over the highfalutin edge, but they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

They look down. You know, they've lost a lot of friends there, baby. They have no time to mess around. No, they get right to that edge where super. Where the food is interesting but doesn't go into that. Oh, come on.

[Bald Bryan]

It's just falutin enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Just falutin enough. $9.99 per meal. They send you all the ingredients, exact proportions, all super healthy and real. Brian, I'm sure you're with me on this. Surprised at the quality. Like the meats.

[Bald Bryan]

I've not been let down by a meal yet. Every single one I've had has been

[Adam Carolla]

above average 500, 700 calories per serving. Cooks in less than half an hour. Shipping always free. Blueapron.com AD that is blueapron.com by the way. Adam, get your first two meals free. Blueapron.com Adam all right, I'm going to power through a couple calls and we've got some baldiwood and a bunch of other stuff to get to. Ryan, 31, Indianapolis.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, long time listener, first time caller.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, man?

[Caller/Listener]

I wanted to think, wanted to get your guys thoughts on if you thought it was a cop out or not. When you buy like the precooked ribs and you just put them in the oven for 20 minutes versus doing the whole barbecue smoker.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you getting them from?

[Caller/Listener]

You can get them from the grocery store.

[Adam Carolla]

I have found that going to the grocery store, the ribs and the fried chicken, things like that don't seem to suffer that much. I mean it's always nice when you're doing it yourself, but stuff my wife brings home from that department especially for her and the kids and we don't have what you call refined palates. Not bad. I've never. Not really. I mean, especially if you're going to, I don't know, Gelson's or Whole Foods or something like that. You can do a lot worse than that section. You guys have feelings about it?

[Donnie]

No, I agree with you.

[Adam Carolla]

As a matter of fact, I think I would. Fuck up fried chicken much.

[Donnie]

Yeah, I think oftentimes store bought is potentially better.

[Bald Bryan]

It's good in a pinch. But challenge yourself. Make some ribs. Season those ribs.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like you to do that yourself, but it just sort of depends. Are you just. You need sustenance? Are you hungry? Do you need to get going or you want to crack a beer, turn on some tunes and kind of make an afternoon out of it? The whole thing about the barbecue, I mean, to me, everyone lives probably within nine miles of a decent barbecue joint.

[Bald Bryan]

I hope so.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's very easy just to send out and go get the barbecue joint. Although my wife came home with 30 pounds of ribs the other day, and I realized we're not clear on our barbecue rib lingo. Meaning she went in and I said, why'd you get 142 ribs? And she's like. I told the guy, just wanted a order of ribs, you know? And he said, half order, full order. And I went, just regular order, just order ribs. And then next thing you know, Fred Flintstone's fucking rack showed up. And it's like, they don't.

[Donnie]

We just say how many people are trying to feed.

[Adam Carolla]

We just start counting them. Yeah, it's just 2, 3, 4, 5, or whatever. Whatever it is. But she had no idea. She literally just came home with a metric ton of ribs. Because the guy, she got a full. The person doesn't go. The person needs to go. Do you have Michigan State playing in the Rose bowl and coming to your house to have ribs before the big game? Or is this just for you and your kids and your husband? Because if so, I'm not going to

[Allison Rosen]

give you that many.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, they don't just size it up that way.

[Bald Bryan]

You see that too with kegs. You know what I mean? Like, when you get a keg, the keg we all know is technically a half barrel. So I'd like a keg. And they're like, you want a half barrel for a barrel? And I'm like, I want what everyone knows to be a keg. And, like, that's a half barrel. I'm like, I don't want half a keg. There's a lot of that.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. We need to again, first world problems.

[Donnie]

All right, here's a rib question.

[Adam Carolla]

A full keg of beer. Way too many ribs.

[Donnie]

Rib question. Brian, in your scenario where you're making your own ribs, are you using homemade barbecue sauce or store bought?

[Bald Bryan]

I'm using neither. I'm using a rub.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Dry rub. Mmm.

[Bald Bryan]

Sorry.

[Donnie]

Well, I can't answer your question. Well, my question was just I imagine many people, if you're thinking of like the traditional barbecue sauce ribs would be using store bought. And so is that really that different than just getting the precooked?

[Bald Bryan]

I think there's enough good store bought barbecue sauces out there. You can totally get away with a good store bought barbecue sauce. Yeah, making your arctic sauce is a pain in the ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, so the answer is all the above.

[Bald Bryan]

Just eat ribs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just eat as many ribs as you can. And then also the, you know, again, if you want to do the music and the beer and make the weekend out of it, then that's its own ritual. But that's the ribs. This is all foreplay to burping. But there is a thing where we.

[Donnie]

It's its own foreplay.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we do. I do worry about the instant gratification thing. Like remember that thing of sort of walking past the oven as a kid and there's a big roast in there and the house is just filled. Not that my fucking mom did that, but there's a. She had a fucking tofurkey out on the porch.

[Bald Bryan]

But someone's mom or dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanksgiving would come around, but you'd walk by and you'd open the oven and you get the big waft of brisket that would come out and you'd go, ooh. And then somebody would say, no, no, no, no, not so fast. About another 35, 40 minutes before and you'd start salivating a little bit. I believe that you enjoy that brisket 25 to 40% more than if you had a magic brisket wand, which is what I call my junk. But think about it. What if I said to you, look, you just have a magic food wand and you just tap it on the table and if you're in the mood for ribs, ribs pop up, you're in mood for brisket, brisket pops up. And you want a turkey burger. Turkey burger pop up. Whatever you want. It's a magic food wand. Don't you think you would enjoy that food 25% less?

[Donnie]

Yes. Because you haven't. There's no investment.

[Bald Bryan]

I'd like to try.

[Adam Carolla]

I think after the first two weeks when you were carted in here, like how they move, killer whales, they use like that harness on them.

[Bald Bryan]

People constantly pouring water on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Use a cherry picker. Yeah, but it'd be white gravy on Brian. Keep them moist to burn out in the sun. He doesn't have enough white gravy on it.

[Bald Bryan]

Roll me back out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying I think I would still. I would never not enjoy pizza or ribs, but I think I would enjoy 25% less with my fleshy brisket wand.

[Donnie]

People used to use slow cookers or pressure cookers. I wonder. I mean people probably still do today, but I can't imagine the selling point.

[Adam Carolla]

Mostly for bombs now, but still some people are old fashioned.

[Donnie]

Can you imagine the selling point of an appliance is that you. It takes all day to cook.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was opposite of a microwave. That was the. Put it in, plug it in and go to work. And then you'd come walking into the house and open the door and be like, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying in life, you know, whether it's sex, whether it's food, or whether it's my kids watching the Blu Ray version of the Grinch who Stole Christmas in July, there is something to that weight on it.

[Donnie]

Like the aforementioned sex doll you guys are talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Donnie]

It's so hard to get into that box, I imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Show me staring at this beautiful. Show me picture of the out. Show me picture of a box. Gary. There should be a class action lawsuit. A box and then a inflatable sex toy. It is. There's never been a greater chasm between what's on the box and what's inside of the box. There just couldn't be those inflatable sex

[Donnie]

sheep don't really look like sheep, come to think of it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but that's a novelty. That's a novelty for some. Let's try one more food related and then we'll get on with our lives. Matt.

[Caller/Listener]

Hi, Adam. Hi, guys. Longtime listener, first time caller calling from London. Yeah, from London. Yeah, absolutely. And that brings. Basically you guys always talk about, especially on your menu. Last week you were talking about a lot of this kind of comfort food or the food that you don't order but you like to eat. And a lot of it is kind of British food. And you guys just take the piss out of British food all the time. Americans. I'm talking about here you talk about fish and chips and you always mention it. And I'm wondering where that came from. Why you like it so much.

[Adam Carolla]

What's not to like?

[Bald Bryan]

It's fried food.

[Adam Carolla]

Battered and deep fried. It's your tempura. And then you dip it in zesty, salty stuff that's creamy. I mean, tart. Yeah,

[Bald Bryan]

that's pretty accurate.

[Adam Carolla]

It's awesome. We're looking at the picture of the box versus what's actually in.

[Bald Bryan]

That's kinky, Kim.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd want my money back, you know, when I was deaf. So put the caller back on.

[Donnie]

He doesn't even look like a woman.

[Teresa Strasser]

Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Point, Matt.

[Caller/Listener]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why I got annoyed, quietly annoyed, at Dawson the other day. Now, to be fair, I've been stressed out and working hard and a little bit moody, but Dawson did one of those things. I don't know if you guys are wired like me, but he said, we, you know, spent the first 28 minutes talking about fish and chips on the show, as we always do. And then when we left, when we were walking out the door, he said, hey, boss, I don't know if you know it, but in England, they wrap them in newspaper. And I thought, of course I fucking know that. But then I thought, why am I angry that he's telling me something? That seems logical, though, that you would get pissed off at that. But doesn't everyone know that?

[Bald Bryan]

Most people probably.

[Donnie]

I mean, my jaw's not on the floor, but yeah, you didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Dripping with salt and vinegar.

[Donnie]

So I feel like I've heard that. It's, like, not at the forefront of my mind. And I think fish and chips.

[Bald Bryan]

Your response should have been, yeah, they do. But instead you got upset.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just sulked and walked in my car. There was a chain. Hold on, Matt. There was a chain that was pretty big called H Salt fish and chips. You guys remember that in Los Angeles and probably. Probably. You know what? H. Salt. Salt fish and chips. Basically, Subway sort of took them over and did a number on them or just moved in. But anyway, the point is this. When you would buy H Salt fish and chips, it came in a fake newspaper wrapper. I think they were trying to be authentic to Mary old England. Yes, Matt.

[Caller/Listener]

No. Well, there's a saying. So if you get some bad press, this happens all the time, like celebrities get some bad press. And the saying is, you know, today's news is tomorrow's chip paper. So it's going to be here today, gone tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We do the same, except for we replace chip paper with jizz rag. I mean, birdcage.

[Donnie]

Birdcage liner. Some people beat off Into a birdcage.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. So, Matt, what are you, about eight or nine hours? How far ahead are you over there in London?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, we're about eight hours ahead, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is London so expensive?

[Caller/Listener]

Well, I don't know. I've got no idea. I mean, I live right in the centre of London. It is really expensive. I don't know, to be honest with you. It's annoying. So if you go France is worse. You go to Paris, it's much worse.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Well, things shift around and it's been a few years, but I felt like I was at London and I went to the Goodwood Festival in London and then I went to France and I spent some time in Paris and saw the 24 hours of Le Mans and I found Paris to be cheaper than London. But that was a few years back.

[Caller/Listener]

Okay. No, no, I don't think so. I mean, you go to the place. Well, maybe it's because I'm English and I go there and they rip me off as well. So that could be it.

[Adam Carolla]

But maybe things have changed. So super high taxes in London.

[Caller/Listener]

The taxes aren't bad. It's like if the high earning you're going to earn about. It's about 40% if you're on the top.

[Adam Carolla]

How come every time I see one of those behind the music, whatever, and I hear about the Rolling Stones or some rock band, Beatles or something, everyone moves out of England for tax purposes at some point

[Caller/Listener]

in the 60s it went to a crazy amount. It was something like 80% at one point in the 60s, but it's totally calmed down now. But all those people have all moved to tax havens now. You get people like Sean Connery. He lives out in. I think he might even live in America. But he's always talking about the Scottish independence and things like that. But I don't think he's stepped foot in Scotland for years.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Well, there is a thing and we have it out here with what we call runaway production. It's just a sort of rubber meets the road. Like there's just nobody. I think people are willing, when they're handed a dollar, they're willing to tear off a corner of it and hand it to the government. But when the government starts cutting it in half and then that half starts turning into 2/3, at a certain point, no matter how much you beat the drum of Scotland or England or wherever you are, you're fucking getting on an airplane and going somewhere else where you get to keep most of that dollar, that's just the way everyone is wired. I don't. I mean, I'm sure there's a handful of folks that go, fuck it, we're doing all our productions in Los Angeles, or, fuck it, we're staying in Scotland or Ireland or wherever we're staying. But most people eventually just pick up and leave. The sad thing is, you know, as I said when I drove Bryan Cranston to the airport, no one wants to go to New Mexico and hang around New Mexico for four months at a time, but they can save 20%. They shall be going to Mexico. All right. Hey, thanks, Matt.

[Donnie]

You know, when you were talking about ripping dollars and things, it reminded me it used to be pretty common that you'd find things written on dollar bills.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Donnie]

I feel like it's been a long time since I've seen some kind of inscrutable note on my money.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of. Let me tell you what I think happened. There was a lot of message in a bottle.

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Messages being sent around, by the way, very dangerous messages. Which is if you put a message in the bottle and throw it out into the ocean, somebody super attractive and young is going to find it and you two will fall in love.

[Bald Bryan]

Robin Wright is looking through bottles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Not good. You may find, like, a Vietnamese fisherman who finds it and tosses it back in. It's probably just gonna get into that thing that's the size of Texas and it's filled with plastic in the middle of the Pacific. That's just going in a circle. Yeah. But I think it's a very dangerous message saying, if you'd like to find love, take a bottle and throw it off the pier. But there was a lot of messages in a bottle. There were songs about messages in a bottle.

[Bald Bryan]

There was messages in a bottle of the movie. And around the same time, there was Serendipity, the movie which was the dollar bill or the five dollar bill that brought the two couple to the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a police song called Message. There was a lot of bottle messages.

[Donnie]

It was all pre missed connections.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing with the dollar was, I'm gonna sign this thing, and then at some point, this dollar's gonna come back to me.

[Donnie]

Back to me.

[Ben Gleib]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it does, it'll be worth a dollar.

[Donnie]

But think of all the grimy hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Think of all the cooties it'll have on it. Yeah. It'll have everyone else's sebum on it.

[Donnie]

But day or night, VRBoCare is here 24. 7 to help make every part if anything comes up or you simply need

[Adam Carolla]

a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the

[Teresa Strasser]

moment you head home. We're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support.

[Adam Carolla]

And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either. And it'll come like there's this weird thing of like, I'm gonna mark shit and that now I think you're right because there was a lot of that on dollars. A two things. We don't handle dollars anymore. It used to be all dollars. Now it's all plastic. But it used to be a lot of peeling off and just a lot more. You know, I got a mason jar and I put my dollars in every day. And at the end of the year, I treat myself to. There's none of that anymore. But I think we're getting our message rocks off on the Internet now. Yes, we're going and tweeting and getting our. That is our message in a bottle.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, to bring it back to your delayed gratification thing. I don't think the notion of how great is this gonna be when this dollar comes back to me gets anyone off anymore.

[Donnie]

I don't even know if people do time capsules anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

That's too bad. Really.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think we've all forgotten about them. All right. DraftKings, baby. And then bald Brian, you get ready for a little baldywood. DraftKings fantasy football back. DraftKings.com they are not messing around. America's favorite one week fantasy football site. You could win enormous cash prizes every week. Bald. How you hanging, man?

[Bald Bryan]

I mean, first contest of the year is a double up contest. Top hundred people get paid. It's a big contest. I'm in 56th place despite drafting a couple players who may have shit the bed. But fun times over at DraftKings.

[Adam Carolla]

You get free entry into the Million event. First place takes home a million bucks. Go to DraftKings.com now enter the promo code Adam and play free to become a millionaire. DraftKings Dawson. DraftKings.com Bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires.

[Ben Gleib]

Enter Adam for free entry [e-mail] that's

[Adam Carolla]

DraftKings.com all right, our guest is here. So I think what we should do is a quick baldiwood and then we'll get on with it. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's

[Allison Rosen]

seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue before you Spend bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers, too. Hooray for bounty war.

[Bald Bryan]

So it's come up a couple times on the show recently, but with Joan Rivers passing, I thought I would give an official home video pic to Joan Rivers A Piece of Work documentary. I think you guys have seen. It's not a lot in the theaters now, and people tweet me all the time saying, hey, good documentary streaming. Can you recommend one? I'm recommending Joan Rivers A Piece of Work. It premiered at Sundance, played the festival circuit, and then had limited theatrical release in June of 2010. So it's a couple years old, four years old, and directed by Ricky Stern and Ann Sundberg. This is a short movie, 84 minutes, so it's not gonna take a lot of your time. 91% on rotten tomatoes. Everyone loves this movie, and for good reason. It's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

What's not to like? You see this sort of relentless woman, but also this sort of emptiness and loneliness you really kind of encapsulated.

[Bald Bryan]

What makes the movie really good is at her age, she's 76 in this movie, and she is a relentless just wheel turner. She's constantly going. This is the year before she was on Celebrity Apprentice. So she's kind of just spinning the wheels and just chugging along.

[Donnie]

And her vulnerability this whole time.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's. I wouldn't call it sad, but there is a. There's a pathos to it you feel for.

[Adam Carolla]

She took 18 years, went to LA Valley College. Was it Chicano St. Oh, no, wait a minute. Accusing her of another relentless engine of a woman.

[Bald Bryan]

Quite the opposite.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's two kinds of feel sorry for. There's the, oh, my God, that bum over there has got a load in his pants and he can barely walk straight, and he's strung out. And there's like, oh, that poor. You know, there's. Oh, the commercial with the African kid and the distended belly. Like, there's that kind of feel sorry for. And then there's the guy who just won, wins one of the, you know, wins at Augusta. And that night, instead of celebrating hitting buckets of balls at the range. You know what I mean? Like, never stopping, never enjoying, never taking a breath, you know, never. Just that sort of. They both should be pitied, right?

[Bald Bryan]

In very different ways.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, one's sort of in a, you know, gilded cage, and the other's in a refrigerator box. But she's got her big house and she's got her fancy everythings. But she always feels like something is chasing her, like failures chasing her.

[Ben Gleib]

That.

[Bald Bryan]

And remember, this is a great. This is something I remember from the movie. She's constantly, I wouldn't say obsessed, but she's constantly aware of Kathy Griffin and her success. And everything's like, if I take a day off, Kathy Griffin's that much closer to me or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess that I kind of have the same relationship with Kathy, but.

[Bald Bryan]

But it's cool. It was interesting to me to see not only someone so successful being so aware of someone, their competition, I guess, quote unquote. But it's something you assume goes on with athletes, entertainers or something. But you never really see as you measure yourself against who you see as your competitions in your league or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was nice when she had her whole Thanksgiving or Christmas party where she set everything out, invited everyone over, but then ultimately lonely. And maybe the message we should gather from this is here she was always, I think probably worried she would die broke or go broke or fade into obscurity. Always sort of running scared, constantly kind of looking over her shoulder, never being able to really just sort of sit back and just to feel like she'd achieved what she did.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just sort of drink in what she'd achieved, which is monument success. And then she goes in to get a couple annoyed scraped off and she's dead. So maybe this is our moment for everyone to really just sit back and appreciate what I've done. You know what I mean?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

[Adam Carolla]

If we could all just take a minute and just sit back to rest on your laurels and just sit back and appreciate what I've done. Thank you.

[Bald Bryan]

You're welcome. So this is streaming on Netflix. You can rent it on Amazon digitally. Be sure to click through. But Joan Rivers, a piece of work. Very good movie home video pick of the week.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Hooray for Bowdy War. Comedian Ben Gleave is out there. We'll take a quick break. Be right back with him after this. Ben Glebe here. Comedian Ben Gleb got a show on the Game Show Network is it's called Idiot Test and new episodes Back to back. Tuesdays 9 and 9:30. And it's based on the popular brain teaser phone apps. Good to see you, Ben.

[Ben Gleib]

Good to see you too, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot to complain about my assistant Matt, who's.

[Ben Gleib]

You want to do that real quick Now?

[Donnie]

Yeah, and it won't be real quick.

[Ben Gleib]

Okay, cool. No complain about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom boom.

[Ben Gleib]

I never even met him. He seems Like a real. He seems like a real dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I was saying to my wife last night, I do a lot of lamenting the night before of the following day, which is I have to go to fucking Long beach and shoot, catch a contractor all day. And then when I'm done with that, I got to do the podcast. And then I got to go do some work after that. And then I thought, shit, I got to get my schedule fixed up. And then I thought, I better call Matt, my assistant. And then I realized, oh, Matt's taking the day off. It's his birthday. But then I said this, you guys, please listen. I work with a bunch of kids here who celebrate half birthdays and take three day weekends when fish comes to town and things like that.

[Bald Bryan]

But birthday weeks?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, didn't it used to work like this? Everyone loves Matt so we can tear him a new asshole, right? But didn't birthdays, like when you had a job, isn't this how the job worked? Your mom and dad would say, hey, your birthday's coming up this Sunday. We'd like to take you out to dinner. And then you'd say, fine. And then they'd say, how about six o'? Clock?

[Donnie]

And then you'd say, I can't because I have work.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then you'd follow it up with, but we're done at 6:30, so why don't you make reservations at 7?

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that how things worked? And then when someone would say, I'm flying into LAX at noon on Thursday, can you pick me up? You'd say, no, I'm sorry, I have a job. But you know what? If you want to take the shuttle, I'll be happy to pay for it and leave the key under the mat. You can let yourself into my apartment. Not, hey boss, I'm no good on Tuesday because my college roommate's flying in and I can't.

[Ben Gleib]

All you should expect on your birthday is a cupcake with a candle. And then get right back to work. You get three minutes of celebration.

[Adam Carolla]

One bite out of that fucking cupcake.

[Bald Bryan]

So harsh.

[Ben Gleib]

That's how it is though.

[Allison Rosen]

And you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

You don't even blow out that fucking candle. You put that fire right in your mouth. Forge in a cupcake crucible.

[Ben Gleib]

You have to, because it's like, it's like a hot frosting melting down.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you feel you guys tell me this adult. Like in the Old west, when a guy turned 30, they don't even have birthdays. When the guy turned 31, do you think there's like, I'm not gonna shoe any horses today.

[Ben Gleib]

Do you think people were at all excited even about birthdays back then? They're like, it's your birthday, great. Please keep hammering away at these railroad tracks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Also, when the average life expects expectancy was 37, you weren't celebrating that hard at 32.

[Ben Gleib]

Or maybe they were. That was like elderly. Very excited about it. They're like, you made it to 32.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the Old west, you think your parents took you out to dinner when you turned 30, told your boss, like,

[Ben Gleib]

your parents were dead when you were 30.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

Long dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you imagine like, you're like a ranch hand. You're like, sorry, boss, can't stack any hay on that weed.

[Bald Bryan]

Thresher is not gonna get looked at.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mondays, that mule team, someone can hook them up, but it ain't gonna be me.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll leave detailed instructions for them.

[Ben Gleib]

Exactly. Leave them key under the mattress.

[Donnie]

Speaking of not being able to miss any work, in my recollection, one of the most stressful times of life was always moving into a new apartment, trying to get cable and the phone and all that hooked up, and having a job at the same time. I don't know how people do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes. That was always. Actually one of the great ruses, I realized. And Ben, you may run into this or have run, and maybe Alison has. It's a great ruse. When we did the man show, there'd always be like two writers who were from New York who, like, relocated, and they'd relocate and they'd spend the entire man show season going, I'm looking at a car. Okay. So I can't go to the meeting because the guys and I came from. I gotta get a car. Literally the first four months was them looking at apartments all fucking day and looking for a car. And you couldn't say shit because you were the person who brought them out to you.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But, yeah, it's hard to find a car.

[Ben Gleib]

But they were probably also underpaid. It was probably cable money and they had to get like, autotrader.com used cars, like Kelly Blue Books. It was a lot of compare. You couldn't just go and pick up a car.

[Donnie]

Well, and they're probably learning about cars in the processing and getting their license perhaps.

[Ben Gleib]

And they're probably trying to get out of work by making up this car bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Chuck Sklar. You remember Chuck Sklar? I feel like you've met him or you know him or his names come up.

[Donnie]

Maybe I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Chuck Was looking for a car for the entire first season or third season of the man show. And then the other thing you. Do you maybe know Jordan Rubin?

[Donnie]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to establish some bizarre, idiosyncratic behavior with your boss early on. That feels like a novelty. So Jordan Rubin couldn't eat just what everyone else ate. Like, we send out for sub sandwiches or Chinese food, and everyone else would eat at their. Their desk, but not Jordan. Jordan had to have a turkey sub at a turkey sandwich with, like, no mayonnaise and no whatever from the Beechwood market. That was way up the hill. He lived up Beechwood. But he wouldn't buy the sandwich and then bring it into work. So every time during lunch, it'd be like, we need to do this. And Jordan would be like, hey, man, I wish I could help, but I gotta go. Every day.

[Ben Gleib]

He's always been trying to get as skinny as his ties. He has to always put himself down.

[Adam Carolla]

An hour and a half later, he'd come back and he'd be like, where's Jordan? We're doing this stuff. And he'd go, he's getting his lunch and everyone's going, oh. But no one ever go, what the fuck?

[Ben Gleib]

Maybe you need to put your foot down with your employees a little bit stronger because it seems as though they're taking off.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I'm gonna start with Gary. Gary, I'm gonna limit you to your full birthday and your half birthday. No more quarter and eighth birthday. No quarter bir. Celebration birthday coming up. Quarter birthday is a full day of work for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Already made the reservations at Magic Mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Half birthday. Does anyone even know when their half birthday is?

[Bald Bryan]

You hear that, fellas? No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's gone.

[Ben Gleib]

How short do you expect your life to be when you are caring about half birthdays? Are you really expecting, like a half life expectancy compared to everybody else?

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting.

[Ben Gleib]

Like what? They expect some doom happening in the near future.

[Bald Bryan]

Some of us might.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Ben Gleib]

Seems weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way. I feel Brian has a brain tumor. Either way.

[Donnie]

No, really.

[Ben Gleib]

Why am I laughing at that so hard?

[Adam Carolla]

It's uncomfortable.

[Bald Bryan]

Jerk.

[Ben Gleib]

I don't know. It just came out of me. I don't know why. It was said very nonchalantly, Brian's brain tumor.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, I feel like you should be able to go to work and then go to dinner that night.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Donnie]

So what is Matt doing for his birthday? Do we know?

[Adam Carolla]

Something with his parents and something that lasts an entire day. But work. See, things would have to be arranged around work. Now work is being arranged around you. Do you know what I'm saying? I think. I don't just remember when you worked regular jobs, was there anyone who had a birthday who didn't come in?

[Ben Gleib]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't exist. Right.

[Ben Gleib]

His parents live far away. Did they come from Antarctica? Was the road trek involved? They in town for one day?

[Adam Carolla]

There are no. They're in town.

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Bald Bryan]

In fact, I remember when I had an office job back in. Back in the day, it was an occasion for everyone to take a good half hour off work and, oh, cake in the break room or whatever. It was like it was a mini day off for everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you got that fucking sheet cake from Ralph's white candles in it. All right, Ben, let's. Let's talk about me some more, please. The game show.

[Ben Gleib]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How do we do this? Brian's pretty good at game shows. He should definitely do it.

[Ben Gleib]

Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't have an app and I don't know what's going on.

[Ben Gleib]

I can give you a sample auditory test if you'd like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

So basically, you know, most game shows test trivia and that either you know the fact or you don't. To me, it's a little bit boring because it's. You're out of the game once the question begins if you don't know it. This is like visual puzzles, brain teasers. So here's one. For example, whoever answers for answer first, it needs to be a competition.

[Donnie]

All right, Are we going to shout our name or are we just going to shout the answer?

[Adam Carolla]

Shout your name.

[Ben Gleib]

All right. Shout your name.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll turn my headphones off to be

[Ben Gleib]

fair, but it's got to be name and then the answer. I want you to give extra time to think. So I want name and then answer. Answer. All right, first question. All right, your first ID test begins now. If you're in a race, what place are you in?

[Adam Carolla]

White.

[Ben Gleib]

That is correct. What place are you in?

[Adam Carolla]

Is the white place they win?

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah. White people do never win races. I don't even know why you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I mean, as a race, ultimately we're winning, but in.

[Ben Gleib]

In running races, it's never the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not. Oh, I thought you meant.

[Ben Gleib]

You mean which race was superior? That was. That's another question.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're talking about superior races. So we're not.

[Ben Gleib]

No, we're not talking about superior race.

[Adam Carolla]

What am I, like a foot race?

[Ben Gleib]

A foot race.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Black.

[Ben Gleib]

Yes. Correct. Okay, that is correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Very good.

[Ben Gleib]

On this show, he would alienate most of the audience. Quick. Right off the top. But you'd be good at it because they're run.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I get you.

[Ben Gleib]

No, you just. You just blanket race stereotypes and the people like that. Not on game shows, per se, but I like it. I'm a fan of it in my private life. In a race.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ben Gleib]

What place are you in when you pass the second place person?

[Adam Carolla]

Adam.

[Bald Bryan]

Brian.

[Donnie]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, go first place.

[Ben Gleib]

Incorrect.

[Bald Bryan]

Brian. Second place.

[Ben Gleib]

That is correct.

[Bald Bryan]

Because you passed the person who was in second. You haven't passed the person who's in first.

[Ben Gleib]

Right. You are now in second.

[Adam Carolla]

You were in third.

[Ben Gleib]

You passed the person in third.

[Bald Bryan]

You passed. Dude. Who's number two?

[Adam Carolla]

The second place.

[Bald Bryan]

You are now the number two.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so it's interesting, that kind of stuff.

[Ben Gleib]

And time ticks down, so you have to answer quick.

[Donnie]

Okay, give us another one.

[Ben Gleib]

Another one. All right. How many months have. 30 days, Brian.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Five.

[Ben Gleib]

Incorrect.

[Adam Carolla]

11.

[Ben Gleib]

That is correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, 30 or more, because it's more. That kind of thing.

[Ben Gleib]

There's all kinds of different. It's not all like that. You know, there's different questions.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had this idea called parking lot auto race assignment, where we take all different kinds of cars, and then you run out and put the race of the person who drives the car on the windshield. And then I'd be up there and I'd be like, oh, you got six of them. Right. But two are still off. And then the guy would go grab the, you know, Hispanic one off the car and then go switch them. Custom van. Yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

Much like shop till you drop, but a car. Racial version of it in a parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

What racing?

[Ben Gleib]

I mean, supermarket sweep. When you would go through and try to get the expensive items, you have to quickly move.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right.

[Ben Gleib]

I think the strong move, you would have to out the gate always. You just have to find Civics and put the Asian card up immediately. Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Civic Camry might work well again. Yeah, right. And we'd pick all the different stereotypical cars.

[Ben Gleib]

What are other race stereotypical cars? Other than Asian cars, I can tell you.

[Bald Bryan]

Pickup truck, white, Armenians, BMWs.

[Ben Gleib]

Oh, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Armenian. At least around here. The only people I've ever seen driving Pontiacs are black folk.

[Ben Gleib]

I drove. My first car was a Pontiac.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're black.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're making my point.

[Ben Gleib]

I'm 100% black.

[Adam Carolla]

And maybe it's different in Michigan, but out here, when I see the Pontiac, I see the brother, the sister in the Pontiac. I don't see a lot of brothers and sisters. In the Prius. Right. I can do Honda Element. Don't see Hispanics driving a Honda Element. We can work this out. That could be Asian or white. And that's where you'd have to swap. You have to swap them.

[Ben Gleib]

Are there decals? Then you go Asian if there's no decals. Maybe it could be a white person in the elements.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, we'd add when we'd get into the bonus rounds. Yeah, we'd obviously add that. What kind of Pontiac did you have?

[Ben Gleib]

It was a Pontiac Sunfire. It was the first year the car came out, and it was real cool for like a minute and a half. And then it became a really not. It became shitty quick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fairly redundant, wouldn't you say, Sunfire?

[Ben Gleib]

That is true. Yeah, that is true.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the Pontiac pointy arrow true.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Ben Gleib]

It just feels necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not necessary to say the sun is just kind of a big orb that's on fire.

[Ben Gleib]

That's true. Pontiac. Fire, though, would be not a great. A bad name, actually. Car has never been called. Oh, you know why? Because you don't want your car to be on fire. That's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Did make a Fiero.

[Ben Gleib]

Oh, that's true. Does that mean fire? That doesn't mean fire, does it? Maybe fiery, because fuego would be fire, but Fiero.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, is fuego hot?

[Ben Gleib]

Fuego's fire. What does caliente means nothing. Probably made up word they put on a car.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where the hell were we? You want to do some news and crack some wise?

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison. Fierro is ferocious. Fierce, wild or cruel. Is that what Jeff Fiero is? So when you have basically a plastic shit box with a 1.7 liter shit bang, shitbox four banger engine in it that's putting out 131 horsepower. That goes zero to 60 in 11 seconds. That's ferocious.

[Bald Bryan]

Why didn't your career as a copywriter take off?

[Adam Carolla]

Should have. Should have worked for Pontiac.

[Donnie]

All right, so Joan Rivers funeral was Sunday. Howard Stern delivered the eulogy. Audra McDonald sang Smile, Bagpipe played. New York, New York, New York City Gay men's chorus sang Broadway hits including hey, Big Spender.

[Adam Carolla]

And all they have to do is say men's chorus. I Don't feel like gay again. It's sort of like sunfire. We get it. Just say men's chorus.

[Ben Gleib]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do the math.

[Ben Gleib]

Were there. Were there Joan Rivers impersonators there? That would be really weird. Wouldn't that be weird at your funeral to have people look exactly like you at your funeral?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Freaking everyone out.

[Ben Gleib]

It's freaking everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm still here, right?

[Ben Gleib]

It would be weird.

[Donnie]

Tributes and reminiscences were delivered by Deborah Norville, close friend Margie Stern, Cindy Adams and Melissa Rivers. And Hugh Jackman sang. Quiet, please, There's a lady on stage at the end. And it was held at Temple Emmanuel in Manhattan.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think Joan feel like she got a lot more love than Robin Williams?

[Bald Bryan]

I. What was this?

[Donnie]

I don't. He had his ashes spread.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't think he had ceremony or anything.

[Donnie]

Big funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know, but it was in the news and it definitely made the rounds. But everyone's coming out, making statements. I mean, Robin Williams got a lot of ink, but I think you're saying

[Ben Gleib]

the ceremony itself seemed to be more elaborate for.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he didn't have one. But I guess what I'm saying is. I'm saying is Robin Williams has an Academy Award and 30 theatrical releases under his belt. And then Joan Rivers is working, standing, a comedian, but Robin Williams is not doing Celebrity Apprentice. That's the domain of Joan Rivers and Adam Carolla. But when they died. There's usually about the same in life as there is in death. I figure this. She feels like they're even even, or she got a little more.

[Ben Gleib]

But I feel like maybe you're also putting a little bit too much value on Hugh Jackman singing at the end of your ceremony.

[Bald Bryan]

That's a good point.

[Donnie]

Well, here are some of the other people that were there. Kathy Griffin, Rosie o', Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg, Kelly Osborne, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. Dr. Oz Theater stars Bernadette Peters, Alan Cumming and Tommy Tune. I didn't even know he was still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Tommy Tune?

[Donnie]

Yeah. Clive Davis, Carolina Herrera, Michael Kors, Barbara Walters, Geraldo Rivera, Diane Sawyer, Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Andy Cohen, Paul Schaefer, Barry Diller, Donald Trump and Steve Forbes. Here's the thing, though. In her 2012 book, I Hate Everybody. Excuse me, I Hate Everyone. Starting with me. She wrote about what she wanted her funeral to be like, and she said she wanted it to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, and action. Hollywood all the way. I don't know if that's like why they had a huge funeral event. But I think she made it very clear that that's what she wanted. And there's been a lot of talk about that. Whereas I don't know what Robin Williams had said about what he.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm guessing he wanted to fly under the radar.

[Bald Bryan]

Knowing Robin. Yeah.

[Donnie]

But as you do.

[Bald Bryan]

Real wallflower for my.

[Adam Carolla]

Understand. Well, those kind of guys are insanely private. The ones that are insanely insane when they're not being private.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, plus the nature in which he died was. There was. It was not salacious, but I mean, there was a lot of, you know, call for questions. Well, call for, you know, people who are going through this. Let's be more understanding. To them there was more. As opposed to Joan Rivers who was advanced age and still off. It's like, let's celebrate this life.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I've always wanted a blow job from Bernadette Peters. I hate to say that. Don't turn back to me, but.

[Ben Gleib]

No, I know what you mean though.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, she's a complete package. Secondly, she has a tiny mouth.

[Ben Gleib]

Yes. Not conventionally hot, but like sexy in a weird mouth way. And like orange. Orange. And that's kind of fire. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Has a great name. But you know how girthy your cock would seem. You know, just all things being, you know.

[Ben Gleib]

And great voice is a key feature on somebody when they cannot speak in your cocks. In their mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me just, let me, let me just draw you a picture. Sandra Bernhardt gives you a blow job and she doesn't even know it. Like she's smoking and having a conversation with her agent on a cell phone. Coming in there, she's eating a fucking three bean salad. She's smoking and she's chewing out her agent while she's sucking your cock and she's asking someone for a toothpick and

[Ben Gleib]

going down on three other girls in the same exotic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. While sucking your cock. Now how does that make you feel?

[Ben Gleib]

Part of a team. That's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

But when Bernadette Peters is blowing you, that's all she's doing.

[Ben Gleib]

And I would like it if every time you're thrusting back out, there's song coming out of her mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, you know what I mean? So if it pops out, the silence is filled with songs.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Now in what way is she the complete package?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first she got the blowjob part right.

[Donnie]

No, the triple threat.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she's. She's very cute.

[Ben Gleib]

She's like a Betty Boop. She's like an old red headed Betty Boop. Human kinda.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, yeah. She has a, she has a, she has a quietly killer body. Like, like just this. She's very sexy and she has a very, very curving, very, very killer shape. She's, she's basically had. She was the first one to have Scarlett Johansson's body.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Really quote me on that.

[Bald Bryan]

I need to see a young Bernadette Peters.

[Adam Carolla]

You do need to see a young Bernadette Peters. Just show me the Playboy cover. She was on Playboy. Well, it's. Oh, I'd like. No, no, no, no, no. She, they used to put people on the COVID like my, like my box. Like my inflatable doll box.

[Donnie]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of like that.

[Bald Bryan]

The old masturbate and switch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is gary celebrating his 32nd? I think he's on a quarter birthday. I don't think you hit the message home.

[Ben Gleib]

Oh, look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's, there's. I was canceling my sixth birthday.

[Ben Gleib]

Those are perfect breasts right there.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Bernadette Peters circa 1981 on the COVID of Playboy.

[Ben Gleib]

Did they have fake breasts back then? There's no way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, yeah. You could see them from space though. I mean she's got a. Quietly. Now you're gonna go with me on my Scarlett Johansson now. She is quiet.

[Bald Bryan]

A little more pixies, but she's got some curves.

[Adam Carolla]

Quietly. A rockin body. Beautiful, beautiful voice.

[Ben Gleib]

I don't know about the blonde Afro there. I feel like.

[Adam Carolla]

Well it's 1981. I mean, come on, everyone's trying. All the hairdressers were high on coke.

[Ben Gleib]

But then. Does that match downstairs? It's probably exactly match. There's a huge bouffant of a fro going on downstairs. It's probably not ideal and I think

[Adam Carolla]

she's held up quite nicely. But again, a dedicated blowjob from Bernadette Peters. Or dedicated. Or you have. Or Sandra Bernhardt.

[Ben Gleib]

No, I mean hands down, eating with

[Adam Carolla]

chopsticks, smoking a Tiparillo, Typing with her

[Ben Gleib]

tongue on the side.

[Adam Carolla]

Typing with her tongue.

[Ben Gleib]

Like a Stephen Hawking machine kind of situation.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Trying to. Eating Bugles that are filled with cream cheese.

[Ben Gleib]

That's not what you want because it's confusing to have a cream cheese involved during a blowjob.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably blowing another. Maybe Ben is being blown at the same time. She's like, your cock is a waste of my mouth.

[Ben Gleib]

Definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

I basically got a five cock garage for her mouth.

[Ben Gleib]

But I feel like this scales tip a little bit into a confusing place. If she had this, if Bernadette Peters had that Big frowy hair. I don't like a big fro hair on a woman. One time I was hooking up with a young lady and maybe, perhaps there was an output from my body that got into her hair. And I mean, it's gone. It's just everywhere. It's so cute.

[Bald Bryan]

You pooped her hair?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I pooped her hair.

[Bald Bryan]

Jesus Christ.

[Ben Gleib]

That's what I was trying to get around. I was trying to softly talk around that.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't seen Bernadette in a while. But again, we all have those pictures in the stonewashed denim with the mullet and that kind of stuff. That's a sign of the times. Don't blame Bernadette.

[Donnie]

Is her hair. Men like you are why women like me straighten our hair. There's a whole thing of men not

[Adam Carolla]

liking women with combing your hair as it is.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, well, no, but I don't like. No, it's.

[Donnie]

How do you feel about Adam's hair?

[Caller/Listener]

How do you feel?

[Ben Gleib]

I wouldn't want to come in it. That is, you're welcome. 100% fact. I mean, it's just. It would just get lost in there. It gets soaked into a spongy mess

[Donnie]

and you like to be able to see where you'd be able to see

[Ben Gleib]

it and take a wet napkin and just get it out.

[Donnie]

That's thoughtful of you.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure this is exactly what game show network wants me to be talking about when I promote a game show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there is the jizz in the hair challenge. It's a spin off on the idiot test.

[Ben Gleib]

Here's our final round. Our final round. Can you get jizz out of this hair in nine seconds?

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, Bernadette's mouth will be missed. Untuckitbaby.com Button down shirts untucked. They always look sloppy. I know. I'm wearing one right now. Untuckit.com shirts are designed to be worn untucked. The perfect length, innovative design, and it's got unique sizing. So it's got charts for sizing charge for guys Fit. Just about anybody.

[Ben Gleib]

You can go from a Bernadette mouth to a sandbox.

[Adam Carolla]

Bernhardt. Yeah, the wrong one. Yeah. No matter what size you are, they got something that fits you. Endorsed by gq. Made in America. That's what I like. Not outsource to some sweatshop. Visit untuckit.com use the promo code Corolla. Corolla for 10% off all purchases plus free shipping. So new fall line just released, by the way. Check them [e-mail] promo code Carolla. All right, what's next?

[Donnie]

Martina Navratilova proposed to her longtime partner Julia Lemminkova at the men's U.S. open semifinals on the big screen at the packed Arthur Ashe Stadium.

[Adam Carolla]

She said yes.

[Ben Gleib]

Oh, my God. I feel like Martina is getting the much better end of this deal.

[Donnie]

Yes. She's a former beauty queen and a businesswoman.

[Ben Gleib]

Oh, my God. I love everything about the girl on the left. And she's marrying David Spade over there. Elderly David Spade.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

It is true that we're all just fucking wired the same way. Like, you know, Ellen gets Portia de Rossi. Like, any. Anybody who's got some money and got some juice gets the 20 years younger, much hotter version of them.

[Ben Gleib]

Man or woman. Doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't. Doesn't matter. We're all. We're all. Everyone's wired the same. I sort of talking about Sean Connery moving to Arlita, you know, it's just. We're all sort of. We'll take as much. As much as we can get.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah. Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

There's not an argument against it. Who would be like, look, I can get better, but I'm not into it. I'm gonna stay with my old rank.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

My old pull ability.

[Adam Carolla]

He did. He did. And again, there's. There's something in it for everyone here, because you got the name Martina and you got her, but, yeah, she's a bit of all right.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ben Gleib]

No kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

So they put it up on the.

[Donnie]

Yeah. On the big. On the screen at the stadium. So everyone saw. And the couple say they hope to marry in Florida, where they live. But Florida officials are currently appealing a federal judge's decision to overturn a ban on gay marriage. So it might not be possible.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody involved with athletics lives in Florida.

[Donnie]

Yeah. Why?

[Adam Carolla]

It's the tax thing. It's the tax thing. Same thing we were talking about. Yeah, it's the tax thing. It's the divorce thing.

[Ben Gleib]

And it has to be how crazy everybody in Florida is and how insane the state is. You just have to get very agile. You got to be able to run and move quickly.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to be able to run serpentine back to your Denali.

[Ben Gleib]

Strong knees, jump around, avoid disasters and sinkholes.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you're. If you're an NBA player and you're basically. Or whatever, Major league baseball player, you're just on the road six months out of the year anyway, so it doesn't really matter where home base is, so live somewhere we're going to save a shitload in taxes and you can go out and run over manatee when you're drunk.

[Ben Gleib]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

And bringing the boat in.

[Ben Gleib]

I just don't understand in general why old people move to Florida to end their life. Because they say, because the humidity is really good for your joint. It's like with modern science, there's not a cream or an ointment that can just soften your joints. And you don't have to live in a shitty hot climate full of face eating, bath salt infected monsters. Yeah, it seems like you don't have to live your whole life just so you can have a little more flexibility in your arthritic elbows.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how Pontiac probably wouldn't want me doing their PR work? I'm guessing the state of Florida probably wouldn't sign you up.

[Ben Gleib]

No, I do not. I'm not a huge fan of Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree. Although there's the Florida with the guy's beaked up on bath salts and he's eating someone's face off by the side of the freeway. And then there's Sly Stallone's house on the water, which is up the street from LeBron James and Kobe's place. And you kind of go, hmm, that's a little different Florida there.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, but do you really want to be on that street either? That's a weird street.

[Bald Bryan]

It's a good point.

[Ben Gleib]

You just came onto my corner. Please turn around.

[Adam Carolla]

You do incredible. LeBron James.

[Ben Gleib]

Thank you so much. I'm taking my talents back to South Beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, that's Tiger Woods. I'm just saying, the. Ah, yeah, the pull the boat up to the back of the house feels kind of cool to me, actually.

[Ben Gleib]

Very Miami Vice. Yeah, I like that. I don't mind that at all. Keep some heroin from the bust and just go home and have a weekend.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so they're gonna go back to

[Donnie]

Florida where they want to get married there? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Well, I wish I wish them well.

[Ben Gleib]

Doesn't that mean they just don't want to get married?

[Teresa Strasser]

Really?

[Ben Gleib]

Or they live in Florida and they have to get married there because why would if they want to get married, want to go to a state where you can get married in that state? We want to get married so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Florida prize.

[Donnie]

They're hoping they can do it in Florida.

[Ben Gleib]

It's tough. Is Jeb Bush against gay marriage There is. He's not governor there anymore, is he?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Ben Gleib]

I think he might be.

[Donnie]

We don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody knows Anything about Florida anymore.

[Donnie]

We try not to.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a question for gay marriage. Legal everywhere. And then we'll get on with our fucking lives. That's all I've ever been wanting for the last 20 years. So you have X amount of energy and time like, okay, there's issues, they need to be addressed. How much of it do we want to spend on gay marriage and marijuana? Because I figure feel 80% of this country's attention has gone to pot and gay marriage. But it really doesn't affect anybody if you really think about it.

[Ben Gleib]

That is true.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean especially the.

[Donnie]

Not even gay stoners.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

The people that are arguing the most or least. It doesn't matter. There's many bigger problems to solve.

[Ben Gleib]

That is true.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Ben Gleib]

We were distracting ourselves on shit like that for sure.

[Donnie]

I think we were. I speak for myself. I was getting excited to hear a read. Weren't we about to do a read? I think that's where we were.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Ah, Lifelock baby. A live read. Nobody. I was thinking about reeds in Florida and I was thinking about swamps and

[Donnie]

everglades and the other kind alive.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a woodwind here, baby.

[Ben Gleib]

Ah, that's another thing in Sandburn that's

[Adam Carolla]

gonna say playing a oboe while performing oral. Lifelock baby. Oh, man. Obo. LifeLock Ultimate. You need to be taken care of. You go online, you play a lot of free games, a lot of fantasy sports leagues and things like that. Meanwhile, your information is getting out there. I was just listening to someone on the radio the other day. They said, well, you know, violent crime is down in this country, but it's bas being replaced by cyber crime. And then all these poor celebrity chicks with their pics floating all out there in the cloud and whatnot. You need LifeLock Ultimate plus, the most comprehensive identity theft protection available. Helps protect your identity and your bank accounts, credit cards, even all your personal information. I have it and my kids have it. If you're born, you get a Social Security number. You need to have it. Nobody can stop this. It's invisible. It's out there. But it never ends. You need LifeLock Ultimate Plus Dawson. Visit LifeLock.com and enter promo code Adam to save 10% on your LifeLock Ultimate plus membership. That's promo code [e-mail] to get our special 10% discount.

[Ben Gleib]

LifeLock.com network does not cover all transactions.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, one more, baby girl.

[Donnie]

All right. So after decades of steady growth, sales of blue jeans are down 6%.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Donnie]

And industry experts think it's because of the popularity of yoga pants and leggings and sweatpants. And what's termed the athleisure trend did not make that word up.

[Adam Carolla]

We have got. We've gotten so comfortable that what we used to decide was casual work Friday wear has become confining to us people. Just sweatpants and flip flops. I'll tell you a weird thing. I do a TV show, the Catch a Contractor show, and we do scenes where like, well, here comes the homeowners and then. Then here comes their dad and mom because their dad and mom recommended whatever. Dad is wearing flip flops and cargo shorts and just a Jimmy Buffett T shirt. And he just comes walking there and it's like, you're on tv.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah. Just in general, unless you're going to or from a pool or beach, a man should not be wearing flip flops. That's my personal opinion.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. We filmed yesterday. The guy was wearing flip flops. Many, many, many adult males film like. Like, it's on this. It's on the schedule. Like, we're coming to your home on Saturday with a camera crew. We shall be filming you.

[Donnie]

Those are his TV ready flip flops.

[Ben Gleib]

You put his good flip flops on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, look, I'm not uptight about it, But I think 40 years ago, if a camera crew was coming to your home to film, you'd be laying out your suit and you'd be talking

[Donnie]

Fred Murray on My360Sons.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You'd be talking to your wife, like to just pocket square clash with the tie. You'd be holding it up. She'd be setting stuff out.

[Ben Gleib]

You would have to have. Yeah, three piece gray suit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, remember, remember they do those like Life magazine and like A Day at home with Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo. And everyone's like dressed to the nines, lounging by the pool with a cigarette orchestra from the cabana dressed in their Latin outfits. People just show up, hey, you're filming today. All right, I'll get my cargo shorts, my T shirt, my flip flop.

[Ben Gleib]

People are too conditioned by reality shows to think that they should be as undone up as possible to seem real.

[Adam Carolla]

So we have gone to such a comfort level that blue jeans, which used to be the go to for the relaxing around the house on the weekend, has become too uncomfortable and confining.

[Ben Gleib]

Very stuffy. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

As stuffy as Bernadette Peter's mouth with Ron Jeremy's cock in it, as my grandfather used to say.

[Ben Gleib]

Exactly. Or as Sandra Bernhardt's mouth with everything in the. Everything Must go aisle stuffed into her mouth as a display case for you to shop around in while she's sucking you off. You can also reach in and grab gifts to take or like $1 items. Like two for a dollar items. Whatever it is, it's exactly that. With beautiful oboe music playing to soothe your vibe while you shop and get

[Adam Carolla]

sucked up like a carpenter song.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah. Can I ask you about, about Catch a Contractor is the point. Yes. Just like that. Oh, you, you, you take that. Sandra Bernard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she'll be playing the pan flute while she's blowing you from the long

[Ben Gleib]

hallway of her mouth. It just creates beautiful acoustics. It's truly incredible. Is Catch a Contractor is the point of the show to catch pedophile contractors, you come out and you read transcripts of their. Oh, I'm going to redesign your, your kitchen nude. It's gonna be side by a tool belt and yoga pants. You just see my man nut camel toe. Is that what the show is? I would watch this show.

[Adam Carolla]

I would too if that was the show.

[Ben Gleib]

It's not the show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we just catch guys who do shoddy work.

[Ben Gleib]

Okay, I like that too.

[Bald Bryan]

Season three though.

[Adam Carolla]

Season three.

[Donnie]

There's no pedophilia. Not even a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what these folks do in the privacy of their own home, but in our homes when we're filming them. No, not a. Not. No.

[Ben Gleib]

You should do at least as like a fake out is pretend like you're calling them out on have like a transcript in your hand and be like, by the way, we also been tracking you on MySpace and you apparently start reading stuff, get them a little sweaty and then be like, alright, it's not accurate, but your work is really overcharged.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Wait, no. What the hell are we talking about?

[Ben Gleib]

Yoga pants. Yoga pants are more men wearing yoga pants. Is that part of the trend? Because I've never even seen a man in yoga pants. Is that a thing though?

[Adam Carolla]

Men are wearing cargo shorts. We've decided we needed our balls to breathe and women decided that we needed to basically see exactly the shape of their ass and pussy.

[Ben Gleib]

I don't mind that if it was black.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I was torn.

[Ben Gleib]

At first I didn't like yoga pants. I thought they were too form fitting and there was like no mystery. And then all of a sudden I discovered that yoga pants is like a porn genre. And then I quite now I love them.

[Donnie]

That's a genre of porn?

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you had a airbrush with whatever the person's skin tone was and just sprayed it over the yoga pants, you'd essentially. You'd essentially be able to see what they look like naked.

[Donnie]

Yeah, well, they're pretty see through. Often when someone bends over. Is that part of the porn?

[Adam Carolla]

But even that, it's just.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah, just the tightness of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Less than a millimeter of cloth. I mean, you don't have to do the math to figure out the shape of the person's rear end, front end, quads or what have you.

[Ben Gleib]

You can. But yeah, why bother with that math

[Donnie]

if you like math?

[Adam Carolla]

Super unnecessary math. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to think. If I. I'll tell you what is a marginally weird about it.

[Bald Bryan]

Yoga pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Yoga pants. I see like 14, 15, 16 year old girls sort of running around in them and it's pretty much what they would look like, but just in a different color. If it was flesh colored yoga pants and they were going down the street and you were driving your car the other direction, you'd say, there goes a nude girl down the street.

[Ben Gleib]

If it's a dark skinned black girl, it would look like she's completely naked running down the street.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. If Grace Jones. Another mouth that you would not want to get near with your puny cock.

[Ben Gleib]

Bite it up easily.

[Adam Carolla]

If Grace Jones wore. So what I'm saying is this is. It's kind of cool to see the hot 25 year old in the supermarket with it, but starts to border on something weird with the 13 and 14 year olds. Yes, yes. Okay.

[Bald Bryan]

Sexualizes them unnecessarily.

[Ben Gleib]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not the only weirdo in the room. Let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Donnie]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Speaking of Allison Rosen, your new best friend, comedian Christian Paris.

[Donnie]

Christina Paschitzki.

[Adam Carolla]

Did I do it?

[Donnie]

I did it. You were almost there.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't.

[Donnie]

Christian.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh. I said Christina. Oh, I fucked up the easy part. Krasitski part was the tough part. All right.

[Ben Gleib]

She's very funny.

[Adam Carolla]

She shall be on the new episodes Monday and Thursday. And you can get on iTunes alisonrosen.com also the Amazon banner book market. Click through it. Show us some love shows coming up in Ventura and San Antonio and Sacramento. Go to AdamCarolla.com see when we're going to come to a town near you. Ben Show Idiot Test Game Show Network 9 and 9:30 on the aforementioned Game Show Network. New episodes every Tuesday. Also podcast last week on Earth available on itunes and his website site Ben Gleb. That's G L E I B dot com. Thank you so much, Ben.

[Ben Gleib]

Thanks for having me, man. That was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, Adam Kolla for Ben Gleb. Allison Rosen, Bald Bryan saying Mahalo.

[Donnie]

I hate everyone starting with me.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, that's Adam K Show 1405 with Allison Rosen, Ben Gleave and Brian Ben Bishop. Coming next, we have Adam Kolla Show 339 featuring Jay Moore, Teresa Strasser and Brian Bishop from 2010.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you guys enjoy. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place.

[Allison Rosen]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right. Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. From a warehouse in Glendale, California, to your iPod, it's the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, author of no Wonder My Parents Drank, comedian Jay Moore, plus Teresa Strasser with the news, Paul Bryan with the sound effects and your calls for a round of what Can't Adam Complain About. And now, the king of new media, Adam Corolla Yeah. Get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on before we get started, T Bone, before you get into the news, before we bring Jay Moore out here, I'm gonna give a little tip of the cap to our good friends over at zero one Media Center. They've given us a couple computers. Now they're mon PA organization right out here in Southern California. California. And they built custom computer Systems for film TV in the music industry. They've been there for over 15 years. I just met Mark. He's sitting out. By the way, that coffee's not free. Mark,

[Teresa Strasser]

he's a very nice man.

[Adam Carolla]

Very nice man.

[Teresa Strasser]

And he's taking a chance on us.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's. That's my point. And I was so delighted when he said his phone has been ringing off the hook because of you good people. I love that story.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you, listeners.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, most, you've just been farting in the phone and then laughing and hanging up. But a phone call's a fucking phone call.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

310-651-8488. Here's the deal. T didn't know you could fix the ipods. You could fix the iPhone.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you break the glass, they fix your iPhone.

[Adam Carolla]

They will fix it. They're an authorized Apple dealer. And again, if you want to do what we do, they make made a computer custom for Donnie. And this shows needs when we go out on the road. They souped it up for him. You know me, I don't know shit about this, but the thing works perfectly for what we do and what we need it to do. So if you want to start your own career, you think about your own podcast, you're thinking about tv, radio, whatever it is, you need a custom industry, custom computer.01 media center. Those are your guys. Tell them Ascension you. And again. 310-651-8488. All right, bald Bryant is here. He's on the sound effects. Teresa's got herself the news. Should we get into it, baby girl? Let's do it. From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Teresa Strasser]

Have you heard of helicopter parents?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

No. Really? This is a new parents are more

[Adam Carolla]

half tracked this slow, unwieldy. Your parents driven by Germans.

[Teresa Strasser]

The antithesis of helicopter parents. Helicopter parents hover.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hello. Oh, my parents were beanbag parents.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They stayed in the corner and got gathered dust once a while that dog

[Teresa Strasser]

up and then they went out of style.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Then eventually Throw them out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Caller/Listener]

That was pop water.

[Teresa Strasser]

Helicopter parents are overly protective. And as it turns out, according to livescience.com A new study finds that they may be having a lasting impact on their children's personalities. And not in a good way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

In fact, these helicopter parents may be making their kids completely neurotic.

[Adam Carolla]

So they're hovering over their kids, constantly asking what they're doing, picking apart what

[Teresa Strasser]

they're doing over parenting right now. You could argue we were under parented, but there's a new thing is over parenting. And according to this study, you could do more damage with that. They surveyed college freshmen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ocean buoys got more parenting than I got.

[Teresa Strasser]

Feral cats.

[Adam Carolla]

Feral cats, more parenting. That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

But we both ate cans of tuna fish. So feral Katz and I did have some things in the alley.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. I could still hear my mother saying to my dad, don't feed him. He'll come around again. How would I know that he'll keep coming around. There he goes. You keep feeding him, he keeps coming around.

[Teresa Strasser]

The funny thing is, the term was coined by college admissions personnel when they started to notice a change in parents of prospective students. Parents would call the admissions office and try to intervene in a process that had previously just been between the student and the college.

[Adam Carolla]

When you were raised by, you know, parents that didn't care as we were, it seems absolute when you. Here's how you know you had bad parents. Every parenting story sounds insane to you. Like, you'll talk to someone and you go, well, then my dad marched into the school, and he demanded to speak to my shop teacher, and he took him outside. I think he threatened him. Like, your dad showed up at your school.

[Teresa Strasser]

He knew what school you went to. Because I would sometimes quiz my mom just to see what courses am I taking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. And then you have these conversations where I go, well, what are you doing? Well, between high school and college, my dad and I hiked the John Muir Trail. And then we went off the. I'm like, what?

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, great.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

You and your dad did something. It's insane.

[Teresa Strasser]

I remember there were kids in my class in high school whose parents would pay them, like, $40 for an A, $20 for a B. And I. I was so shocked. Like, first of all, they know what grades you're getting in different classes, and then they pay you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It all seemed very bizarre and very foreign to me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Anyway, it turns out that it would seem like a good idea, because if parenting is good, then why not ratchet it up, do even more parent yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids really need to find their own way and be left alone, and they need to sort of experiment. And I don't know. I think it's stifling. I think it stifles the creative process. I don't think hanging over someone's shoulder and telling them what to do, I don't think they'll ever make the right move. Because I think you inherently screw up when someone is staring at you when you're doing something. And even the simplest task, you'll manage to fuck up. Up. Because you feel those eyes burning a hole in the back of your skull.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. Like, you go up to bat and your dad's the coach of the team.

[Allison Rosen]

Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

In little League. Wow. Yeah. Some people out of here, dads no way.

[Allison Rosen]

Coach.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? They coach the team, not their own son's team.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. That's why they are co. They go to every practice, and they

[Adam Carolla]

coach out of Denver.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I would think that you. You would become very nervous at bat when your dad's right behind you coaching.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I did want to please my dad when my stepmom said to move out of the garage when I was 19. I remember that. There was a lot of pressure there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. So a lot of. They were hovering for one second there. They hovered over the garage. How much you clear out, get out.

[Adam Carolla]

We need a place to park the cars.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, what you're saying is pretty much what they found. And in addition to what you're saying, when you have a hover pair parents, your childhood and your adolescence are expanded, so you sort of don't grow up as fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Extended and expanded. Yes. Same thing, right? Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

They surveyed 300 freshmen.

[Adam Carolla]

You become like David Spade.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. They surveyed 300 freshmen with a questionnaire the researchers specifically designed to assess helicopter parenting. They focus on college kids because college is what they call a crisis point in a relationship between the helicopter parents. Parent, and the child. At this stage, the parents no longer have control over the child's life. They can't keep track of them like in the past.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

So participants had to rate their level of agreement with statements like, my parents have contacted a school official on my behalf to solve problems for me. On my college move in day, my parents stayed the night in town to make sure I was adjusted. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me if this would count. You have one more? Because I want to know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, I have one more.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, go ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

If two days go by without contact, my parents would contact me.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Does this count as helicopter parenting? When I told my mom I had those Warrants for my arrest from the moving violations. And I was scared I was gonna get arrested if I took my motorcycle down Ventura Boulevard. So she said I should take Valley Heart instead. And then I got arrested the next day.

[Teresa Strasser]

She was hovering.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that hovering?

[Teresa Strasser]

She was overly involved in your life and making decisions for you and expanding your adolescence. Or maybe she was just trying to get you arrested. So you.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And when I told my dad I was going to do this bit on Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday and then I talked to him on Wednesday and he said, did you do the bit?

[Teresa Strasser]

And I said, that was Sam hovering.

[Adam Carolla]

You could have. Could have turned the TV set on, old man, and found out if I did the bit or not. But.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, well, it was on deep cable. Dancing with. Oh, on a network. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

The best one is when I said to my dad, my dad, dad said, hey, how about I come on, I do Loveline. I'll be a guest on Loveline. It'll be fun. I said, all right, when do you want to come on? How about Friday about 7:00'? Clock? Dad, shows Monday through Thursday, starts at 10:00pm okay, well, maybe we'll go Monday, but. Right, but not at seven, dad. Oh, what? What? It's ten o'. Clock. Starts at ten o'. Clock. All right, I gotta write that down. Been on the air for six years, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Covering.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk about intrusive. Yeah, I should have invited him down. He could have been a guest on Scott Farrell show or like Us.

[Teresa Strasser]

You think he'd be good on like Us?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think he would have known

[Teresa Strasser]

your dad could give advice on how to get chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what do my fat son keeps saying? Pump them and dump them.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, do you think your dad would agree with don't spend more than $40 on a date?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, great.

[Adam Carolla]

40.

[Teresa Strasser]

What do you think your dad's 40.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad doesn't agree on more than 40 pesos on a date. My dad's like, what the isn't paying for me? No rupees. I might have to be more like, what's a date? You mean a date?

[Teresa Strasser]

Not that. No, not like the fruit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like what they have over at Hadley's on the way to Palm Springs.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, that's a shake made out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody should. There's no such thing as a forty dollar date. Not I don't care how many coconuts it's rolled in.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're thinking of the food. I'm talking about when you look up a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Make our top ramen in our pot with no handle and Call it a life.

[Teresa Strasser]

You pick up a woman and you drive her to a restaurant and you pay for her dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

In what? You want to buy the salt and the brunai in your car. What's a car?

[Teresa Strasser]

And then maybe you buy her dessert and some cocktails.

[Adam Carolla]

Who.

[Teresa Strasser]

You take her to a show you pay for. Both of you?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely not.

[Teresa Strasser]

Then you drop her off back at home.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

Then you buy a breakfast meal that

[Adam Carolla]

all involves the burnage of calories. Look, she can come over and watch me eat cottage cheese with raisins in it. That'll be our date.

[Teresa Strasser]

Date and raisins all in one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's a regular James Bond.

[Teresa Strasser]

College move in day. I do remember being shy, shocked at how many parents were there. Like, it never dawned on me that somebody might take you there physically and actually. Yeah. And I looked around and there were a lot of hovering helicopter parents, like, helping their kids move into the dorm room.

[Bald Bryan]

You moved out from San Francisco to NYU alone?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, not only that, when I got off, I had. Yeah, I went from the airport. And then I guess you go to Penn Station or Grand Central. I can't remember now, but I was carrying my luggage and of course the. You know, the first thing that happens is someone runs over and goes, let me carry that for you. But what you. They mean is, let me steal it, right. And. Or let me get you a cab. Give me $20 and I'll go out and get you a cash.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that movie with Bruno Kirby.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't remember what it was called. Freshman. Yeah, the freshman.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, Right. So by the time I. Before I'd even hit the street of New York City, I'd already had many people attempt to swindle me. But fortunately, I did not have $20 jokes on that. Yeah. And then I think I must have had to take a. The subway there with all my. Maybe I took a cab because I had a lot of bag. But I remember being shocked. Like, what are all these parents doing? Helping.

[Adam Carolla]

This is very interesting. My college move in day was Donnie coming into my garage to sleep, because Donnie had a schedule where he got up at 8, he ate breakfast, he got dressed, he told his mom and dad he was going to have. He was going down the hill to go to Valley Junior College to further his education. Then he walked, drove over to my house, came into my back room, and then slept for four hours on my bed. That was Donnie's college move in day. You were there for him. Yeah, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

People were setting up refrigerators and things for their kids so they could have a cold beverage while studying.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all very bizarre. Yeah, very bizarre.

[Teresa Strasser]

It was culture shock. Anyway. About 10% of the park participants in this study had helicopter parents. The rate was higher in girls than in boys, with 13% of the females being helicoptered compared with just 5% of males. And it was mainly mothers doing the hovering. Students with helicopter parents tended to be less open to new ideas and actions, as well as more vulnerable, anxious and self conscious, among other factors, compared with their counterparts who had more distant parents.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna be a shitty parent too. I've already decided, but I'm not, apparently.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay. No, but I. Here's my problem. I give a lot of people advice that they don't give a shit about, right? And I'm not going to be able to help it with my kids. And I don't understand, like a lot of things that people do. And a lot of people, most people have an attitude of, look, this is the way I do it, so fuck off. And my thing is always kind of like, yes, but it works better to do it this way. And they go, it may work better for you. And even if it's better for me, I don't give a fuck because this is my way and this is the way I do it. And I do a lot of. I can't figure out why it's not happening this way. And it causes a lot of friction

[Teresa Strasser]

in my life with the wife mainly, or with co workers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I have these, you know, I have these crazy conversations with my wife or I used to, where I was like, hey, listen, when you're doing the laundry, you're supposed to separate the whites from the colors. And she'd go, well, this is the way I do it. And I go, well, that's not the way you're supposed to do it. And she'd go, why do you have to bother me? And I'd go, I'm not bothering you. I'm just explaining you the way laundry's done. When you cook bacon, you put that weird little hoop screen thing on top so the fucking fat doesn't spray everywhere on the stove. And she'd go like, why are you bugging me? I'd be like, I'm not. I know you perceive it as bugging you. I'm focusing on good bacon maintenance, that's all. And here's the problem. I think you guys tell me, yes, shut up. There is nothing personal in this instruction on bacon or laundry. I'm merely explaining when one makes bacon, one, one does it this way. When one does laundry, one does it this way. This isn't a revolutionary Adam Carolla technique. I just happen to watch other people who've made bacon before me and who've done laundry before me. What I'm met with is, fuck you. You're not the boss of me. Why do you keep bothering me? And my thing is, I'm not trying to bother you. I'm just explaining to you how other people do it.

[Bald Bryan]

Perhaps he communicated this information in a way that made one feel stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

I never start with what I'm thinking,

[Teresa Strasser]

which is what the fuck, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It always starts with a very. Even in my brain, I'm going, holy fuck. And my mouth is going, excuse me, sweetie. FYI, when you do laundry, you're supposed to separate the colors from the whites.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, here's what I think has happened. I think because you didn't have. Have hover parents, and just because you happen to be good at a lot of things, like, you know about construction and cars, you can do a lot of things and you're smart. So there's probably a lot of things that you know how to do that other people, namely your wife, don't. So then I think there's a cumulative

[Adam Carolla]

effect, I get it with Jay as well, where it's like we're building things and I go, put it. Put the factory edge out. And he. He goes, well, we're putting molding over the edge, so it doesn't really matter. And I go, put the factory edge. Point the factory edge out. That's the cleanest edge on the board, you know, And I get a little. And then a certain point I go, hey, put the factory edge out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I. Yes. All building is, is one big lesson after the next of, oop, don't do it this way next time. And that's all. That's all it is. So if you're a builder, you're sort of hyper vigilant about that, because when you fuck it up, it kind of shows. And so I have my hyper vigilance on top of my building experience, but there's little things that drive me insane. And it's like everything, of course, but it's like when the. You ever see. And this happens at my house all the time, the coffee mug that has a splash of coffee at the bottom of it, and it gets set on the counter right next to the sink, but it doesn't get put. It doesn't get rinsed out. Yeah, it just sits right next to the thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Coffee sort of congeals and it makes

[Adam Carolla]

that little ring at the bottom. And, yeah, you can get it clean if you take the sponge and wipe it around down there. But you're right there. You just dropped it off at the sink. Give it a rinse. That makes me a monster, by the way. If I bring that up, I'm out of control. Maniac. But I'm just saying, that's the kind of stuff that's going to give my daughter an eating disorder and turn my son.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like, those are the worst two things that can happen to each gender.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be a constant.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is how it is. This is how you clean your room. This is how you change the oil in your car. This is how you do the dishes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not the Great Santini, but I do have a lot of. Let's just, you know, I have my moments.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, hey, sports fans. And hitting the basketball off the back of Sonny's head.

[Adam Carolla]

No, see, that's not my way. But I do have a lot of. Look, FYI, here's how this works, right? And about the third time, when it gets ignored, I start getting pissy about it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now with your wife, have you just given up or realized that it. Maybe it makes her feel stupid or it triggers something? So do you just, like, let the coffee cup go or how have you resolved this?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I do not let things go. I do things. Here's what I do.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like Dr. Phil. How's that working for you?

[Adam Carolla]

Not well. Let me give you. Let me give you. I'll give you my life in a nutshell. Okay, here's my life. Here's how my life works. I. At some point, after opening every motherfucking cabinet, door and drawer in the house and having the childproof thing grab it. It's a weird thing. It's like. Like you're fucking with yourself. Like every time you open a drawer in the kitchen. It's like every time, right? At a certain point about two weeks ago, I said, I don't think. I think the kids are old enough now.

[Teresa Strasser]

They know not to just pull a drawer open and let it land on their head or whatever, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's. Let's go ahead and. Let's go ahead and remove these things.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I got out one of my little handy dandy screwdrivers that I got keep. See, I keep one upstairs. I keep one in the bedroom. I keep one in the office. I keep one in the kitchen because I don't want to walk down the garage and get one. And they're two dollar item and I unscrewed the very, very short wood screw that stopped it from the inside. And I said, you know what? This is pretty easily done. And I handed the screwdriver to my wife and I said, sweetie, guess who's in charge of removing all this stuff? And she said, no problem. And she got rid of the stuff upstairs and maybe the stuff in the kitchen. She missed a few rooms. She sort of ran out of steam, as she tends to do on occasion. And at some point, I was in her bathroom and I found the remnants of one sitting, like in her little mirror, makeup tray on the counter with the wood screws. And I realized, this will be here for a hundred years, I thought to myself. So I took it and I hung it on the cabinet mirror, on the knob. And I took it. It just hung there. It was my little reminder of, here I am, right? I need to.

[Teresa Strasser]

When something needs to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

When you remove me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to put me in a bag and then put like a label that says childproofing thing and throw it down in the garage and I'll take care of it. But I hung it there. And as a few days later, I walked into the bathroom again. And where do you think it was?

[Teresa Strasser]

Right where you left it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was back on the mirror trail.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Where? Where it came from.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, was that an attack?

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. I really. I really don't. It's like when you get shit on by pigeons. They do it on purpose.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is it random?

[Adam Carolla]

They not like my shirt.

[Teresa Strasser]

It kind of feels personal, even though you know it's random.

[Adam Carolla]

Random pigeons are nice. My wife's nice. I don't think she did it on purpose. It's part of a general kind of malaise. Like that. Whatever. And then I always say this. Do you really want to live that life where we just kind of keep going around?

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Where then I'll fish it out of the tray one more time, Right? Hang it on the thing one more time. You'll at this point get pissed.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That I'm doing what exactly?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. This is like Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance where you don't fix some little thing and then it ends up consuming so much of your life, being annoyed by a little thing that you could easily fix.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Here's my message to just do it and just do it now. Don't make everything a three part miniseries. It's not Roots. Undo the thing, put it in a bag, get it the fuck out of the house. Let's stop tripping over the same shit over and over again. Again. That's my, that's my little thing. And that's what will eventually drive my kids insane. Because people don't work that way. And furthermore, they don't like to work that way. And they don't like it when you tell them it needs to work that way. It's, it's, it's, it's epic. I mean, Donnie and I get into it all the time and people become very territorial and very defensive. I mean, they could literally have a box of shit like situation sitting. I've gone through this with roommates, you know, I've had this many times. Like I had a roommate at a little shitty house in North Hollywood. He had a bunch of like furniture, like stacked up in the entry hall of our 900 square foot house. I was like, hey, John, what are you going to do about this furniture? I'm going to take care of it. Three months goes by, it's still piled up. At a certain point you go, hey, John, what do you want to do with this furniture? And I'll take care of it. And then a month later you go, hey man, it's Saturday. Saturday, I got a truck. What do you want to do with this? And he says, I'm giving it to my sister. I'm putting it in her garage. And I go, fine, let's put it in the garage. Let's put it in my truck. We'll take it over to her house right now. I can't do it today. Fine. Then a month goes by and you go, hey, John, seriously, I'm tripping over this furniture. Hey, fuck you, man. Why are you riding me? That's what our society's basically turned into. Really? That's where we're at. Tell me about that, Grandpa. Everything's a fucking personal attack. Could it be that I just don't want your fucking furniture piled up in my entry hall?

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. Yeah. Well, I do think it is the cumulative effect. But you're right. The first time you point it out, you think the person might address it.

[Ben Gleib]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And especially when you offer a solution like a truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

You. Yet somehow some, some people like to put things off, which I can sort of relate to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And then eventually, whether it's Donnie's Bronco and all his shit that comes along with his Bronco in my warehouse, I become a dick for asking to help him move it outside of the warehouse.

[Teresa Strasser]

So you think your parent, your kids are going to be annoyed in the same way that the others close to you are because you're gonna show them how things are done, and then the 10th time, they're gonna feel belittled.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain what they don't do. Here's what they don't do. Here's how people don't react. I don't know how they do react. I'll tell you how they don't react.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I've been using the shit out of this guy's warehouse for the last five years. Gee, I sure feel ashamed that I've been using up his precious space with my rusty pile of. I will gladly move this out as quickly as possible. And yes, I'm thankful that he's let me use his warehouse up until this point. Nope, that's not how people react.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, they don't go more like, you, old man.

[Adam Carolla]

Who you. Why are you riding me?

[Teresa Strasser]

So if I wash whites and, you know, colored things separately, then there's no chance that one of these dark colored items might stain these white items. Thank you. Thank you for that tip.

[Adam Carolla]

That is never, ever the response. Try it with people who owe you money. Try it with. It's never like, well, I guess you're paying the mortgage and keeping the lights on around here. And yes, you're right. Why are we fighting with this childproofing stuff after our kids are old enough to know better? That's a good idea. I'll hop on that. No, you don't get that.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, it's interesting in light of the story about the umpire who immediately admits. Admitted he was wrong and he screwed up, which people rarely do. And yet it's magical because there's just. Everyone took his side and had empathy for him. There's nothing you can do. And when someone's pointing out a better way of doing something, there's something incredibly psychologically difficult about just going, thank you. Okay, I'll do it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Donnie's. Donnie's Bronco was first. Donnie said, I don't want to move it outside. Then he said, I will move it outside, but I'm not going to move it outside today or even later on this week. And then knowing what I was dealing with, I said, all right, you have two weeks or you pick the time that you need to move this down.

[Caller/Listener]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Deadlines are always good, right?

[Adam Carolla]

If they're met. If they're not met, it's more fuck you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? But it was a call to action, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So then Donnie said, I need two weeks. So I said, you have two weeks. I don't hold out a lot of hope, but you have Two weeks. The two weeks came and went. I said, donny, it's been two weeks. You promised you'd move it out in two weeks. And his answer was, quit riding me. That's how that went. And then I said, just admit to me that it's not important to you that it be out. Which he would not admit to me. But then I said, donnie, what if. I said $10,000 if you have this thing out of here in thousand. Two weeks. And he said, oh yeah, that'd be done the following day.

[Teresa Strasser]

Low priority, right? Much like removing the child proofing thing was a low. Probably a low priority.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a very difficult time in my life making what I consider things that are important to me important to others. Yeah, they will get around to it.

[Teresa Strasser]

That is, I think that crystallizes the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And then what inevitably ends up happening is at some point I snap and take the double baby stroller and bash it like a madman over the edge of the dumpster and start screaming.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then you look crazy. When you've been saying for months, we don't need this anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm tripping over it. It's in the garage. Can we please take care of it? I don't want to keep spending my life going back over things that have already gone over.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now a brief detour back to helicopter parents. It turns out out that the helicoptered students who are given responsibility or. No, the non helicopter students who are given responsibility and not monitored by their parents, they're called free rangers. The effects.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so funny because my old roommate Ralph used to call my hippie school Free range school.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I can wander. No water.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Hell no.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I did whatever I wanted all the time.

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

So these findings. So these findings show an only association, not a direct cause, effect link, meaning all children with helicopter parents don't necessarily turn out this way. AKA vulnerable, self conscious, anxious and impulsive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I would listen. I. I would frequently, like, you know, when I was, you know, seventh, eighth grade, I just, I'd leave the house and announce, you know, my mom go, where are you going? And I'd go, I'm going to abduct Patty Hearst and then rape the elderly.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, then would she suggest a road to take to avoid the cops?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, try Valley Heart.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know who's like not an over mom or an under mom. Ryan's mom. Seems like she's got the sweet spot because she's involved. But she's concerned with your welfare. But she.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and obviously she did a Great job with him because he's the only guy I knew when I met him who was fat, bald, made $7 an hour, and brimming with confidence.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Brimming with confidence to the point of being cocky.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fat, bald, and be paid minimum wage and bursting at the seams with.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I mean, how did Mrs. Bishop do it?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, I don't know. A fucking steady diet of your shit doesn't stink. I don't know how one. One does that, but a fantastic job.

[Bald Bryan]

They were sort of like, on both sides. Like, my dad never coached me until I was, like, well into you know, older sports and. And even then, didn't really do that much. And. But they were at all the games and stuff. I mean, they sort of struck a fair balance. They came to a college, move in day, but they didn't spend the night like you said.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

It was a good.

[Adam Carolla]

But they came out there okay. Healthy balance.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Sweet spot.

[Bald Bryan]

Pop your kid, move in, fix the bed, buy him a fan if it's hot, and get out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's moving day. All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

See, that's why Brian's well adjusted.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, that's. Well, that's what we needed. Yeah. I would just leave. My parents were not only free rangers, but they're actually more firing rangers. Like, maybe we'll get shot. We'll have to cook them dinner. But I would actually go out. Now, you think about these things through the eyes of an adult. Now. I would go. Every activity I did was with someone else's family.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I went water skiing one time. I went snow skiing one time. I went dirt bike riding a couple of times. I went, you know, this place or that place a couple of times. But it was always like, oh, that was with Dan Gallagher's family, and that was with Chris Bohm's dad, and that was with Jeff Buck's family. Like, every. Every sort of. One of those sort of go away, do this activity thing was always with someone else's family. But I would leave to go motorcycle riding with Chris Bohm's dad out in the desert. And I would cut out it, you know, in the early morning and not come home until the wee hours of the night. And my fucking parents didn't go, here's $3 for taco bell. Like, they're like, hit the road. See you later. Like, I think about it now, like, Chris's dad was not a rich guy. He shouldn't have been buying me lunch and dinner while we were on the road. I should have pulled out a $10 bill. And by the way, he was paying for gas and the premix and the bikes and the whole fucking nine yards. Like, someone should have given me $5 just to buy dinner so he didn't have to spring for that on top of everything else. No. See you later.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you remember feeling self conscious at the time? Like, oh, I. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a fantastically horrific combination of being a bottomless pit in the eating department, being an insatiable from a food standpoint. Just could not put enough food in my belly. Mixed with parents that did not cook and did not have money and did not see fit to give their kids anything to go eat lunch or dinner or anything else. So I was always at the mercy of someone else's family. And then I was, yes, always embarrassed to order what I really wanted, which was two Big Macs versus the one filet of fish that I ordered. Just because his kid ordered the filet of fish I didn't want to ever order past.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you can't order, right. If they don't get a beverage, then you don't get a bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's exactly it. And somehow I hung around with world class who didn't eat. Oh, Donnie ate like a hummingbird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, no, kid.

[Adam Carolla]

You ask him, he didn't like food.

[Teresa Strasser]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Just didn't like it.

[Teresa Strasser]

You would think that after you got some money, you would have just become morbidly obese. Like you would have just sat around.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a constant battle not to just bury myself in French fries. Donnie didn't eat. And we could never figure it out. And Ray was the only massive eater I knew. Ray was always a massive eater. And he would yell at his poor mom to cook more all the time. Ray was the best. Ray would come into the kitchen in the morning and his mom was one of these little German women. She would just slave away just cooking flapjacks. She had four sons make the 280 pancakes on a Saturday morning. And Ray would always, you know, he'd get hungover and he'd stroll into the kitchen at noon, like either nude or in his underpants. And he'd just be like, mom, more hotcakes, let's go. And she'd always cuss him. She'd yell in her German accent. Everything that came out of her mouth was, God damn it, Ray. God damn you, Raymond. God damn it, Ray. That's everything that will come out the of around. And eventually she'd stand her ground and she's like, I'm not a Goddamn Dina. Ray, no. It's noon and I'm done making pancakes. You should have come in here with Rich and Ronnie and Rob and all the rest of the idiots named with the R. And he said, you should have given in here. And Ray, I just remember, he just. He looked over to little brother Rich, had a big fucking lumberjack stack of Johnny Cake sitting in front of of them, parked a loogie right on it. Rich started screaming bloody murder. And she just looked at Ray as Ray slid the pot pancakes in front of him and just started shaking. God damn you right? And had to make Ronnie a ranch. Another pile of pancakes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Diabolical.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray was very crafty with that shit.

[Teresa Strasser]

So she wasn't really a hover. She wasn't a German hovercraft, but she would make a lot of pancakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray's mom. Ray's mom was weird because they were poor and they lived in an apartment and everything, but she always cooked. She cooked her ass off. And she always, like, gave Ray money. She was a waitress. She worked at, like, the Far East Terrace as a German cocktail waitress in it. In a Chinese dim sum bar or something. It was a weird thing. And she'd come home with a little watch of cash, and she always gave Ray 5 bucks or 10 bucks for lunch or whatever, and he stashed it. What Ray would do is he would stash the five or ten bucks his mom gave for lunch, and then he'd go to high school, and he'd shake down the Jewish kids for their food or threaten somebody who worked at, like, the hash house for, like, sweet rolls or whatever, right? And at the end of the school year, he'd have, like, $1,500 socked away in his jar because he never spent a penny off it on the actual food when he just go to school and shake people down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, I didn't get too much news, but what. What about news in the world of barbecuing? Oh, grilling, I should say grilling.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. That's right. Teresa Strasser. What'd you do, bring up half a story and then I start complaining?

[Teresa Strasser]

I completed the story.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, something about laundry.

[Teresa Strasser]

A study about kids that are overly protected. Hover parents.

[Adam Carolla]

Helicopter. My kids are gonna hate me. Yeah, Mangrate. Mangrate is a. It's a device. It's an invention. It's weird. It should be as old as time, but it's brand new. It's a 100% cast iron grill that you just put on top of your grill. The guy Evan, who invented it tore out a restaurant one day, bought a restaurant, he tore it apart apart, and he took this big grill and he took it back home with him, and he put it on top of his grill, and he started making the best steaks ever. He's a grilling maniac. And he realized that the key to it was not all the hot air blowing up on your chicken and your steak and drying it up, but the super hot grill that you put it on. All the grills that come from. And by the way, we went to Home Depot and we looked around and everything. When I say we, I mean, Donnie went over there and. And everything's just made out of flimsy pot steel or stainless steel. It's just lightweight and thin. This is a big, thick cast iron grill. You put it on top of your grill and you have the best grilling ever. And you can do the shit frozen right out of the freezer. 25% off retail. Great Father's Day gift. And just click on the banner [e-mail] and again, these guys are sponsors, so help us out. It's a great product, but even if it sucked, check them out anyway. Click on the [e-mail] I love supporting mom and pops.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like, it makes me feel good to spend my money at a business that I believe in.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy Evan said, I studied the grill. I figured he's an engineer. I figured out some ways to make it better. I did some testing, then found a, like, foundry in Michigan that was going out of business this. And said, look, how about you make us, you know, they. They were doing defense contracts or whatever, but everything had dried up. And he said, look, here's a way to keep your guys employed. Here's a way to keep some of my guys employed. How about you start stamping out this great for us? And they started doing it. It's a nice little story. And it's a nice story that they come on a show like ours and have us sell it to you guys who are listening. So it's one nice story after the goddamn next. All right, where were we? You want to do a little what can am complain about?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

The world is full of it, and one man can complain about it.

[Bald Bryan]

All

[Adam Carolla]

this is what can't Adam complain about. All right. Oh, wait, my bell.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah. You know, while you're getting that. Because there are people who are un unfamiliar with this bit briefly, I will say that this bit started when you were getting a car delivered.

[Adam Carolla]

Ferrari.

[Teresa Strasser]

Ferrari. And you complained you were able to complain about the delivery of a Ferrari to your home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I bought it on ebay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

We realized. We realized that there was. If you could complain about a Ferrari being delivered a day late, that there's nothing you can't complain about.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

So people try to stump you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Let's start with Billy on line one. Billy, you there?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Adam, what's up? Ready to rock, buddy? Here we go.

[Caller/Listener]

You can't complain about my puppy.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know your puppy personally. If it's anything like Dawson's puppy, I could do 20 minutes on.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, you could probably complain about what my puppy does if it was your dog who was doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this about people in their puppies. Puppies. It's kind of like your kids and your grandparents. Every grandparent thinks their grandson or grandkid is cute. We're over it. We don't need that kind of exposure to that little shit that you think we do. And people bring their puppies everywhere because they're puppies. You don't realize that the bloom gets off the puppy rose very quickly, especially at the workplace. Especially when the dog can't control itself and jumps up on the sofa and starts digging into things. It's really. It's like an animated. Out of a. Out of a cartoon. Now, your puppy is what make and model? Yellow Lab.

[Caller/Listener]

We just got her two days ago.

[Adam Carolla]

And I love her to death, but the thing she keeps doing that.

[Caller/Listener]

She won't let me watch her go to the bathroom. I know that sounds weird, but it's a problem because I take her outside and wait for her and wait for

[Adam Carolla]

her to go to the bathroom, and she won't.

[Caller/Listener]

And then when I bring her back

[Adam Carolla]

inside, my carpet that we just had

[Caller/Listener]

replaced in February turns into a chocolate sundae.

[Adam Carolla]

I only have. Well, you could have the opposite problem, which is I also have a yellow lab that only shits in front of a packed capacity crowd. You know what I mean? Like, she'll walk up and down the fucking street all day long and not move her bowels. And then some neighbors will come down the street and it's time. And I don't bring the bag and the napkin and everything, so I have to sit there in that awkward. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna make move. I'm definitely gonna do something about this, but there's really nothing I can do.

[Teresa Strasser]

You just leave it there?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. I don't let her on the sidewalk, on the street. She sort of shits off in the woods off Toward the edge of the dirt and end up kicking it? Sometimes. And sometimes you can get away with a clean kick.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Other times there's a penalty.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, does that depend on. On the viscosity and the texture?

[Adam Carolla]

And what shoes are one wearing? I got some pretty high up on. Well, the penalty is on the top of my shoe. And I, I, I, I. There should be.

[Allison Rosen]

There should be.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Nike should come out with a pair of shoes called kickers. A special shoe. Look, you have a shoe for volleyball, a shoe for basketball, and a shoe for, you know, football and soccer. It's weird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Soccer and football, they're played on basically the same field, but it's a different shoe. Volleyball and basketball, indoor basket, Indoor volleyball played on the same court, A different shoe.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's a wrestling shoe.

[Adam Carolla]

A wrestling shoe and a boxing shoe. It's just essentially the same, but still a different shoe. How about a shit kicker? But a guy likes to kick his dog shit down the street like a can. Good enough. All right, let's see. Let's talk to James. James.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hi, James.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, James. What's up, Adam?

[Caller/Listener]

Love the show. Love the band back together. I'm marshaling the troops for you out of Manchester, New Hampshire.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

Doing whatever I can for you. You can't possibly complain about the late Lakers and Celtics in the NBA finals.

[Adam Carolla]

How many years can New Hampshire be called New Hampshire? You know what I mean? I feel like it's been New Hampshire for about 270 years. And New Hampshire is one of the older states, right? One of the first ones, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

New Mexico, no problem.

[Teresa Strasser]

It seems newish.

[Adam Carolla]

That's new. You know, medium Texas, you know, New newish. California

[Teresa Strasser]

Hampshire by now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that should be like throwback Hampshire.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When did New Hampshire. Look, I don't know how the colonies went, but New Hampshire's up there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Seemed like it was established very early.

[Adam Carolla]

It's been around. Oh, it's been over 250 years.

[Teresa Strasser]

James should know. That's his home state.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, James.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How old is New Hampshire?

[Caller/Listener]

I believe it's the ninth colony.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so it's well done. It's up there. How many years is that now? That's a 70. Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

You're looking at at least, what, 275, 280, something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go ahead and call it medium Hampshire at this point. The bloom is off the road. Yeah. See if you can get that spread around. Now what did you want me to complain about?

[Caller/Listener]

The. Your LA Lakers versus my Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, as you know, I've had an impacted asshole of all Boston, Boston fans, Boston sports, Boston everything. I don't know who anointed you guys these sort of chosen ones of sports, but it's really fucking old. And I've said this many goddamn times. It'd be one thing if I was in Boston and then just being beat over the head with Boston sports, but I live in LA and I feel like I'm beat over the head with Boston sports. No one gives a shit. And let me say something, as an adult, you really shouldn't care that much. Look, if you're in high school or you're a young man or young woman and you're fresh out of college or what have you, so be it. Once you have kids, in mortgages, in jobs and all the shit that Bob Seger sings about, you should stop caring so much about your precious team. It's really sort of a weird insult to your family if you think about it. You're so into you. So, you know, so ravenous. Is so pumped up about something.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I give Bill Simmons a pass because he does this for a living, so he has to be a rabid fan.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Caller/Listener]

Rabid enough to have it as your middle name?

[Adam Carolla]

My point. Yes. My point is it's the same with the Lakers. Everyone starts running those flags outside their car. We have enough problem with gas mileage and the cost of fuel in this city and the taxes we pay on fuel. Those flags aren't helping. And then they get old and sorry and people are too fucking lazy to pull them off their minivans. We have those stupid Laker fans flags flowing everywhere. Look, I like the fact. Look, I'm glad you know. I don't like it when the expansion teams go at it. You know, I don't want some team from Canada to be playing the Hornets or something like that. That always feels weird.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's nice that these are two big city teams within with a historic rivalry.

[Adam Carolla]

That part is great. But these are guys that are. First off, people from Boston aren't all from Boston. The guys who play for Boston aren't from your area and the guys who play for the Lakers are. Stop saying we. Stop pretending like they're us. They're a bunch of super high paid guys who come from colleges all over the fucking country and agreed to go to either either the New England area or the LA area because they paid the most. Let's. Let's be honest and call it what it is. And whether they win or lose they're never going to party with you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, and by the way, they'll happily leave your city and go elsewhere for

[Adam Carolla]

another 185 bucks a season.

[Teresa Strasser]

Goodbye.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do one more. Let's talk to Go to line four. Talk to weed dude from New York York. Hi Adam, how are you doing? What's happening to we dude? Hey, thanks for taking my call. And I'm also an avid sync peer here just based upon your recommendation. Where are you? Oh, sync pier. Thank you. Yeah. Yes, yes, a sync pier. I know the segments more based upon

[Caller/Listener]

like you complaining, but I was hoping

[Adam Carolla]

to create some awareness and do the opposite.

[Caller/Listener]

Just get your thoughts on BP and

[Adam Carolla]

being an avid solution fix man. Do you have any ideas to stop the leak? Well, as I said, at some point shoving Ellen DeGeneres into it would, would satisfy me. I believe a lot of the people lived around the Gulf states there.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know why you feel like she would be absorbent Somehow she doesn't strike me as a person.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like lesbians absorb better.

[Teresa Strasser]

You think so?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they just have a higher absorption.

[Teresa Strasser]

So you throw her and Rosie and Melissa Etheridge.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the problem with Rosie. She may be too big a plug. Oh, you know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want, I don't want to cut off all the oil completely.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Want to tap that well one more time. Look, it's a big fat lesbian. Loud.

[Donnie]

Rosie.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I, I'm all for James Cameron and Kevin Costner's brother getting on this one. And by the way, as long as we're getting brothers, let's get Swayze's brother in there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean anything possible. I'm actually down here in the Bahi right now.

[Caller/Listener]

We, I tweet the event every single day. I just met with the governor yesterday and the parish president. So I'm just calling to create awareness

[Adam Carolla]

and trying to get stuff out there

[Caller/Listener]

and hoping that you complain about BP

[Adam Carolla]

just to kind of get it out there. I, look, I, you know, I think people are aware. I think people have heard of this disaster. You know, again, you know me, it's like on one hand they fucked up and they need to fix it. On the other hand, we are hypocrites because we're relying on the product that they give us and we're buying it and we're not doing a goddamn thing to slow down that process. And they do things that are dangerous and ill conceived and yet we keep gobbling up their products. So it's that sort of argument that people have with Mexico and the drugs. It's like, yep, they. They shouldn't be bringing it into the country. On the other hand, if we stopped sniffing the coke, they wouldn't bring it into the country. So it's their fault and it's our fault. And as far as the shit where people fuck up and shit happens, BP is trying to save money and they're trying to pump as much oil from the ground as fast as they can possibly do it. And no, they don't care about the wetlands. They're interested in making money. All big companies are interested in making money. And once in a while, somebody up and hopefully they'll pay for it. As far as the solution, I say we shrink Martin Short and what the hell's that movie, Fantastic Voyage. Oh, no. Okay, that was a new one, sorry. I say we take Rock Hill Welch, okay. And Lee Marvin. Lee Marvin. And we shrink them and we send them down in a mini submersible to stop this God forsaken le. Thank you very much, someone. I can't. Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you, weed dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, weed dude.

[Teresa Strasser]

I really.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the fact if this was taking place at sea level or at ground level or 100ft above the ground, it would seem almost impossible. The fact that it's a thousand feet below the ocean, that seems almost impossible to cap.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, that's right. Maybe Megatron is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, we have a guess. That was what can't Adam complain about. Jay Moore is the name of our guest. Jay Moore is a dear, dear friend who I've not seen in a while. Oh, got a new piece of paper for Jay Moore.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hi, Jay.

[Adam Carolla]

Jay can be Twittered at J. Moore More 37. Great to see you, Jay.

[Teresa Strasser]

I follow Jay on Twitter, so I almost feel like we're friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. My wife follows Jay quite closely.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been knowing you more time, Mrs. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Little Tracy Morgan for us.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna get everybody pregnant. I'm gonna get Logan pregnant, and that dog gonna be pregnant with puppies.

[Adam Carolla]

Tracy. Do you feel like Tracy's kind of doing Tracy now? Do you feel like he's almost doing a caricature of himself?

[Allison Rosen]

You know what's amazing is Tracy found this bizarre character to do on 30 Rock where they, like, this is how Tracy really talks all the time. Right. But on 30 Rock, we have to write all of my dialogue out phonetically.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Just completely changed the way he talks. I'm so glad people pay money to hear me talk now. I have to go upstairs into the office.

[Adam Carolla]

But is he insane? I'm gonna get you pregnant.

[Teresa Strasser]

I heard him being interviewed by Terry Gross on npr and it was riveting. He broke down crying.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that means you're a drunk. I've done that. We've all done that. When you're drunk. Like, that's what bartenders are for.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad drunk. Is he sober? Is he insane? Like, like, Jay, you've been around a million years. Like, is Norm MacDonald nuts? Well, you know my Morgan nuts.

[Allison Rosen]

You know my criteria. Have we talked about. My wife, by the way, says, tell Adam Corolla I love him.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Nikki Cox. That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

I love all. Yeah, that guy sounds hot. Adam Corolla. This is bizarre setup. You got him and you got that guy like KG from Tenacious D over there, working the board over there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's one of the first things Nutty got guys do, which is they sit down. Andy Dick will do this all the time. Like, they'll sit down, you'll be doing a radio show and they'll go like, wow. Oh, hey, what's up?

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good, thanks. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

No sense of space.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's no sense of. I will watch Andy Dick go on to Jimmy Kimmel show and see Don Barris, who's doing audience warm up for Jimmy Kimmel and literally sit down next to Jimmy and go, oh. Oh, Windy City Heat. Yeah, I dug that. I dug that. Yeah, that's the guy from the movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Not the half. Not the half High Perry, please. Not the half eye. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

But seriously, it's off fucking camera. It's like, don't they normal do that?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, my criteria for crazy people

[Adam Carolla]

is love to hear it.

[Allison Rosen]

Could you talk your way out of a mental hospital?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah, but it's hard.

[Allison Rosen]

Norm McDonald's could not talk. I'm not saying Norm MacDonald's crazy, right? But we all know. And you know crazy rhymes and crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Like if Tracy Morgan was yelling, get this butterfly net off of me.

[Teresa Strasser]

You wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't belong here, cuz I miss my daughter. And my favorite book is Scruples. Like, they'd go, well, obviously this person,

[Teresa Strasser]

we can't release him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

And if Norm MacDonald just woke up in a mental hospital, he'd be like, hey, I. There's a guy down the hall and it just be like a 20 minute conference. Like, and he was in his pajamas, but I noticed they didn't match. And I just thought, if you're in A, you know, place like this, a loony bin, if you will. You know, you don't have many amenities, so you might want to focus on the few you have matching. And they'd say, well, this guy obviously belongs here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that guy sounds hot. How do you work with Norm MacDonald, by the way? Like, I. I was dealing with some producers that I was having some issues with and I said to my agent, I said, listen, I would consider myself as a comedian, for a comedian, very reasonable to work with.

[Allison Rosen]

You're very reasonable man.

[Adam Carolla]

Fair minded. So if they can't handle me, what would happen if they like it? Did a deal with Norm MacDonald, like,

[Allison Rosen]

ran for four years. My show got canceled in two.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. How the. Like, how do you even.

[Allison Rosen]

I keep forgetting. We can curse how the. Is my show canceled?

[Adam Carolla]

The. Did they cancel nor McDonald.

[Allison Rosen]

Every time he got a little uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

McDonald show run for four years.

[Allison Rosen]

My wife was on it.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you find Norm?

[Allison Rosen]

Nikki Cox played a. A dirty.

[Teresa Strasser]

So Norm MacDonald would show up for work every day on time. Prepare.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Why are you so negative?

[Teresa Strasser]

I love Norm MacDonald. He's what he and you were two of my favorite guests.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. You guys were exceptionally nice to me. Some people just ignored me, which is probably best. But you.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is it so now you sound. Now you do sound like my wife. Why would it be best if somebody ignored you?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, they don't. Sometimes they. They know who Adam is, but they don't know what I'm doing.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're sitting right there.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why it was weird when they would ignore me. But it would frequently happen.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me asshole that came in because we talk about who's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So. But you. I think you have to spread when people are.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the greatest story I have ever heard. You need to spread when people are assholes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but you also need to spread when people are great.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'll tell you somebody who is really disappointing because this is somebody who I admire and I think is incredibly funny. But I think the problem was she came in and she was a huge fan of Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the Maya Angelou story.

[Teresa Strasser]

She loves Adam's poetry.

[Adam Carolla]

And no, no, I am kidding.

[Teresa Strasser]

This person wasn't mean or rude, but they only.

[Adam Carolla]

So Theresa came, but she kept with the poetry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was like, Teresa smoked me just now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you, Joan Rivers. I was kind of disappointed because I. I really admire her. That's what I'm saying. She loves Adam because she's a cunt. That's the whole point of my story, they relate on a certain level, but I. Because she there, was irreverent. And Joan obviously loved Adam, but she had no use for me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gay. She treated you like so much like Frank Marino.

[Allison Rosen]

She's more like Frank Marino than Joan

[Teresa Strasser]

Rivers, which I kind of understood because I'm not the important person in the room. But you can learn a lot about somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm surprised that. I mean, was she, like, a bitch to you?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just ignored me, kind of.

[Allison Rosen]

Who was like, an absolute. Like, you've. No one talks to me that way.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't think anybody was really, outside of Theresa's family.

[Allison Rosen]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Those are people. She worked with me.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a joke. I was her. I'm friends with her daughter, Melissa. Our kids play together. And Joan, they were getting ready for, like, their Seder, their Jewish dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like I have, like, echolalia. Like, everything in my head sounds like I'm talking, like, Norm, hey, we're getting ready for their Jewish dinner there. You know that Jewish dinner, because Norm gets echolalia and he can't stop saying certain things.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Jewish dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

But it gets funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Or like, he loves the H. And, like.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean, yeah?

[Allison Rosen]

Where. So I was at the house, and I had to go to mass or something, and she said something like, don't. Don't forget to tell them that the Jews killed Christ. You know, she didn't sound like Colin Quinn. Like, I just did it. But I go, the Jews didn't kill Christ. If you read the Bible, the Romans killed Christ. The Jews just went.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, that's all I said. And she's like, I'm gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, she called me for, like, 10 days. Like, can I. Like, that's going into the act, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a good bit for Joan.

[Allison Rosen]

Like. And I go, yeah. And then she goes, what else? What else you got?

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

And I go, you know, they're like, you know, he looks kind of like a hippie. Let me look at the shoes. He's barefoot.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, next, you know, you're riding for Joan Rivers.

[Allison Rosen]

Just that one thing we elaborated on. So she was cool, maybe. It's like, I don't know why. I don't know why.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's a legend. Maybe in my mind, I was gonna meet this legend, and she was gonna see that we were kindred spirits, when really she was just coming to do the Adam Carolla show. And why should she care who I am?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to say on the Adam

[Allison Rosen]

Crawler show, everyone says hi to Uncle Frank.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to. On Jimmy show. I want to.

[Allison Rosen]

How the was Uncle Frank a pistol carrying officer of the law?

[Adam Carolla]

Was.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, y', all fetch.

[Adam Carolla]

You were going, uncle Frank. It's funny. It's funny. Uncle Frank has. Uncle Frank has done a weird thing, an evolutionary thing. This is Jimmy's Uncle Frank. He has that thing that old men have where everything goes to pot except for your hand strength. Somehow you could fucking crush walnuts between your fingers at an old age, but that everything else goes but that. And Uncle Frank, when he talks to people, repels people for the most part. Like he just had a man tell Jimmy, tell Jimmy. He always says to tell Jimmy like, hey, listen, tell Jimmy he should run for mayor of Hollywood and that. To tell Jimmy tell Jimmy. You know, and here's the thing. And so everyone who talks to Uncle Frank tries to escape, right? So if Uncle Frank talks to you, he takes his right hand and he locks it onto your upper arm. And he does this weird. You tell Jimmy. And I realized, why is he grabbing my arm? And I realized years of evolution of people escaping or going, yeah, I'll tell. Let me get another deviled egg. But I'll tell him what I. I get to the tray. Years have made him grab onto people's arm now. It seems kind of endearing, but it's really like a bear trap that you can't escape the conversation from.

[Allison Rosen]

You're funny about real quick, Theresa. What about that entire story separates him from the herd as far as comics?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, a few things.

[Allison Rosen]

Two words.

[Teresa Strasser]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Deviled egg.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. It's specific. There are a lot of foods that are less funny than.

[Allison Rosen]

But he didn't like think. He didn't like, sit down like Dennis Miller and crap. Like, like 60 minutes with incredible words.

[Teresa Strasser]

Deviled egg was right there.

[Allison Rosen]

He went, that's great, Uncle Frank. I'm gonna go get a deviled egg. I'll be right. Like just. That's what rolled out of. Like, when was the last time you had a deviled egg? A year?

[Adam Carolla]

It was at least. No, no, it was. Probably had it at Easter or something like that. I don't know. I like deviled eggs, but I don't eat deviled eggs.

[Allison Rosen]

And are there. I know for a fact there are no deviled eggs at the Jimmy Kimmel show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he does not keep that.

[Allison Rosen]

But deviled eggs just rolled off the tongue. Hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe I'll sell it to Joan Rivers.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was just thinking, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the Jews love deviled Eggs. Who was like the biggest?

[Teresa Strasser]

Nobody, really. I mean, I would say we had

[Adam Carolla]

some women that were horrible, but they're not really celebrities. So it's hard. It's hard to do. But speaking of dicks, Jay Moore, I want to do two things. I want to give your book a plug, but I also want to talk about your transition from dick to swell guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

No Wonder My Parents Drank is your book.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. No Wonder My Parents Drank it is

[Allison Rosen]

out selling about a quarter of much of Sarah Silverman's book.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Like even now it's third week and she's been out like two months.

[Adam Carolla]

But I heard her book wasn't selling gangbusters.

[Allison Rosen]

No, her advance was so crazy that no matter what she sells.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. They're never gonna make their money back.

[Allison Rosen]

But the company they have.

[Ben Gleib]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

They have Sarah Palin, so it doesn't matter like, what anybody else sells. They're in business for the rest of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad. But that's the Sarah America would embrace. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Of the two.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Silverman or Palin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I, yeah, but, but Jay, we've, we spoke about this on, on our radio program a couple years back. But. And we're talking about who's an a hole, who's not an a hole. And, and Jay readily admitted that he used to be an a hole. Is that true or am I putting words in your mouth?

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's correct. And you know, enough people will have cautionary tales about you that at some point you have to realize I must have behaved in a way to make people have. People must think. People don't think you're an asshole because you played Bob Sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

But there has to be something more than that where when your name comes up, people are like, eh, you brought it up by saying, and I'm going to talk about myself positively. But it's only because I'm saying what you said you said in the conversation. I remember it was a neat conversation. My favorite subject. Me and comedy with one of my favorite guys. But you said you're one of the comics that for some reason people have a hard time giving it a up. Just saying, yes, that guy is fuck. You didn't curse. But you said, I think you might have even said that guy's really funny. And you said that you'll say it to other comics and they almost, they'll begrudgingly go, yeah, I guess. And you'll, you said that you'll say often, no, like, he's really funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is that? And I said, because I was an absolute. I was just a jerk.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So that was a very, a very circuitous route to. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it's, it's, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

I wasn't.

[Ben Gleib]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're, it's like Stalin was an awesome juggler, but nobody wants to admit it. Not just making that up. But the point is, is when Stalin

[Allison Rosen]

really, When they like you. Yeah, Hitler gets all the rap, but Stalin, Stalin's the guy post war where

[Adam Carolla]

like he's got a higher body count,

[Allison Rosen]

but plus like post war, when like Truman went over there like, all right, what are we going to do? And Stalin's like, hey, thanks for the help.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Go fuck your mother's mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm doing this other thing over here. And, and that was, that was really kind of crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't get his due in terms of, you know, again, his body count. But I realized like when people do that thing when they like somebody, then it's very easy for them to explain, you know, how funny they are or how witty they are, whatever. And when they don't, they have trouble giving it up. And you know, I always, I would say I just thought Jay and still think Jay's immensely talented. Like I, you know, I thought Jay was really funny, but the fact that he does a kick ass Tracy Morgan and Norm MacDonald at the same time just makes you very talented and very funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't get me started on INF on the Food Network.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was running into people didn't want to give a up. And by the way, I've had this conversation with people where I said J. Moore is now a nice guy and you should let it go.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, he's been really.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And they said he snowed you, Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's still a dick.

[Adam Carolla]

And you don't know it because you're such a soft touch. Just because he likes you, you're saying he's a nice guy now. And I said, no, I think Jay Moore is legitimately the knee jerk response

[Allison Rosen]

is who, who said that?

[Teresa Strasser]

But I want to know.

[Allison Rosen]

But I don't want, I don't want to know. It's none of my business. But listen, that's like something where people like my wife, when we met, I had this reputation. People said, be careful. Like, watch out, J Whore.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and I said, if you knew how many nights I was alone at the Double Tree in Tempe. Masturbating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And not having sex with anybody, which is like all of them.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like how I got this. It's because I had a big mouth. And I talked, like, right now we were going out and conquering Hooters.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm. I'm. That's very funny to me that you've had the conversation after the fact that people have said that. I know you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Adam spends half his time just trying to prove to people that you're not a jerk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Three quarters.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope.

[Allison Rosen]

It's more of a. I'd like to mix Lynn in there somehow. Like in the pie chart of. The pie chart of Adam's time.

[Adam Carolla]

A mission. But. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Putting new flags up at the castle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, you know, first off, you know, Jay came on the radio show and Jade, you know, a dick would have went, you. Who said I was a dick? Jay. Jay said, you're right, I was a dick, and I'm no longer a dick. And then we got into it a little bit. What motivated that and what motivated the change and what got you there in the first place? Place. And I'd like to kind of revisit it because I. I think it's. I think it's interesting. And. And I also think. I think that change is Don Barris.

[Allison Rosen]

No way.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that change is one of the. I think it's, you know, when people do that thing where they go, well, what separates us from the animal kingdom? You know, what's. Why are we better than mud monkeys? Or why. Why are we different than monkeys? Or irony or dolphins or anything. Having a sense of humor and irony

[Teresa Strasser]

is being aware that we're gonna die.

[Adam Carolla]

Being aware we're gonna die. But the ability to change. Like the ability to change is something that's completely ignored by many Americans, yet it's really our most positive attribute as human beings, not as Americans, but just as global citizens. They're the ability to go, hey, I do this really well. And this I don't do so well. And I can actually fix it and enjoy myself.

[Teresa Strasser]

So you had to come to Jesus and you realized that.

[Allison Rosen]

I came to Nicole Avery. You know, I met my wife. I think my wife had a lot to do with her. Because when I met her, I'd been operating for probably 15 years under the mantra of my way or the highway. And I used to explain to people like, hey, hey, man, I gotta get to where I'm going. And I leave a big wake behind me like a rooster tail on a boat.

[Adam Carolla]

But where did that come from?

[Allison Rosen]

Being the youngest kid on your street

[Adam Carolla]

and just kind of get fucked with and beat up and.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, being the youngest kid on the wrestling team. Being the youngest kid on the baseball team, being the youngest kid on traveling wrestling and traveling baseball teams, being 16, doing stand up comedy and being surrounded by 30, 40 year olds.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you were young on SNL too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then, you know, not like, just constantly not. I mean, I was born needing to be paid attention to. Like, I was born, I was a

[Adam Carolla]

batshit child because of the large family and you not getting the attention from the parents.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's just sometimes the way your hard drive is installed. I just came out. Look at me, look at me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just right. And so never felt satiated by that.

[Allison Rosen]

Never. So if you can imagine how annoying I must have been, probably to holding a microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's, you know, why. That's how you go from, like, why he's so, like, not me. But when you look at kids and go, this guy's so smart. What the fuck is this kid's prop? Why is this kid pulling Cs?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's because he just doesn't give a about.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Any of it. Doesn't interest them. So he'd rather just do other things anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

But little did they know you'd go from pulling Cs to pulling your own D and Tammy in just a few short years. The joke was on them, everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't tell Jeffrey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So make a chicken and a man shows up. So then it was constantly trying to, you know, having to be louder because I was six inches, this is a theory, six inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter and, you know, trying to be funnier and louder. And then getting into comedy, which is the ultimate look at me out there alone business. And then when you come off stage, no, like, your peers don't give a. Because, you know, everybody, they're doing their own thing, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, when you and I leave here, we'll have pleasant thoughts about each other. But you're gonna go over there and Teresa's gonna go over there and that dog Boo is gonna go.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right. So I'm not sure where I'm going

[Allison Rosen]

with this, but I think it became, you know, I was filled with a lot of anger. I always thought I should have been like five pieces ahead on the chessboard than where I was at all my entire life from the time I was like, as a child, like, why don't I have. Why aren't I going out with more people in the summer and playing more?

[Adam Carolla]

And so it's like almost a constant sort of chip on the shoulder meets fire in the belly.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. But met with just a void, like they're just riding your bike through New Jersey alone and.

[Adam Carolla]

And, and could it ever be filled? Like, you go out, you do comedy, you slay the audience. You've clearly done well. Do you then go back and feel good that night?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And does it wear off by the following day or are you still writing once?

[Allison Rosen]

I think once your head once. Once you're the reason people have assembled, that really takes. Throws a lot of sandbags off the side of the hot air balloon.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, there's really not everyone who's been

[Adam Carolla]

lynched, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

I will.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I'm about.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to a lynching right after that. But that's not funny. J. Moore.

[Teresa Strasser]

Glendale can be.

[Adam Carolla]

So now you're doing your headlining. People are assembling to see Jay Moore,

[Allison Rosen]

but apparently during that period was like the height of assholeness somehow when he

[Teresa Strasser]

started headlining but before you were on

[Allison Rosen]

tv, both, like, they kind of happened simultaneously, you know. And I think it's also breaking balls a lot. Like, in coming up with guys like East Coast Comics, New York Comics, you literally sit on a stoop outside the comedy club and just crush each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And when you just walk into, say, like the Laugh Factory and go up to, you know, Dane Co, who just a guy that was at the Lab Factory when I was there a lot and go, hey, what's wrong with your face? Just start fucking laying into a guy and he's just. Kate, you know, you don't know what this guy just had happen at his apartment or.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, he probably, you know, maybe he did diarrhea or was mad at somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And you just come in killing people. They think you're an ass. They don't think it's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I still have, you know, sometimes my wife will go, ah, it's a little aggressive.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you're talking.

[Allison Rosen]

Excuse me, you're talking to the waiter, like, breaking his chops. And to me, I'm like, no, like, I was being super. Like, I was the big funny guy, like, make. I was making his day.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? You thought he was in on the joke, but your wife received that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like, he wasn't really in on the joke as much as you think he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but that's something like I'm completely unaware of once in a while still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but it. But I think the difference now is it's never based. Like, I never really want to hurt

[Adam Carolla]

anyone's feelings the first time I take

[Allison Rosen]

this off because I know it's making sound.

[Adam Carolla]

The first time my Wife and I took Teresa and her then to be husband out for dinner. I announced to her with a straight face when she got her food put in a doggy bag that if I was paying, she wasn't taking home the food. Was. Yeah, I did it with a real straight face. And I said, look, if I pay, I take home the food. And right now it's half of, you know, it's half a pork chop, but tomorrow it's going to be a tossed salad. And the day after that it's going to be a rack of lamb, deviled eggs. And what's to stop you from ordering a couple sandwiches for tomorrow and have me paying and taking that home? So it understands my policy and no hard feelings, by the way. Eat up. But whatever you leave, that comes home with me and Theresa. I didn't know Theresa believed me until I opened the refrigerator the following day and found two. Two pork chops. One was my wife's and the other was Theresa's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it was my now husband's at the time. Boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Very intimate and gross to eat someone's pork chop. But the point is this half eaten pork chop. But t. You'd believe me?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I just erred on the side of caution.

[Adam Carolla]

And you and your husband must have driven home saying what a fucking asshole I could. Is there a bigger ass on the planet who buys dinner and then announces he's taking home your dog?

[Teresa Strasser]

Was partially a joke. No, but I thought, why not give you the leftovers?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's not fun. Adam knows the. You gotta get into the deep water. Like, if you're a fighter, you gotta get into the later rounds.

[Caller/Listener]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're a comic, you gotta sell it, you gotta make it. Absolutely. I'm not bullshitting you. You're not taking home. And I'm putting my foot. You're not Teresa. You're not bringing that home.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm. I'm guessing that some people. And also, I mean, let's face it, in our culture, there's many different cultures floating around. And some of them aren't so fast on the upswing with the. With the comedy.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Guatemalan nanny saying that I smoke you. Definitely not.

[Teresa Strasser]

I. I don't. I wouldn't. I can't imagine somebody perceiving Jay as a jerk anytime within the last five years.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it's all like. You go on my Twitter page, JMore37, I tweeted that I was coming here and people were apoplectic. The planets have aligned. They've said.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they were like, nutty but you

[Teresa Strasser]

know what really won me over about Jay before I met him was reading his first book, Gasping for Airtime. It was so well written, and I couldn't put it down. And then I recommended it to everyone in my family, and everyone. And everyone loved it. It's about his time on snl and also his panic attacks and his taking of Klonopin, Things I can't relate to at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, don't. Not to defend Janus asshole phase, but I gotta say this as somebody who's recognized. You're gonna walk to an airport, somebody's gonna ask you, hey, could you sign something? And you're gonna say, I'm sorry, but I'm running late for my flight. And as you walk away, they're gonna think, there goes an asshole, and you have to be an asshole, or at least they're gonna be perceived as an asshole quite a bit. But I think this transcended that.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. And even now, like, I was gonna tell Theresa, if you, like, go on Twitter and follow, just see what people say about me, like, half my time on Twitter is saying, really? Why? Explain that. Why Am I dick? Like, what did I say? Well, I don't even know what they're, like, responding to.

[Adam Carolla]

But how then did you get out of this asshole hailstorm?

[Allison Rosen]

Apparently, I haven't, according to the word on the street.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I, I, you have. You have. In. In the minds of all.

[Allison Rosen]

I realized that I had the rabbit in my mouth. And when you run enough races on Greyhound, the track, eventually you realize, yeah, if I get out of here, I'm, you know, if I get out of this box and do what I do, I'm gonna finish pretty well. That's a really weird analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it started off strong.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

My wife said to me once, I said I stopped doing comedy for, like, two years because, like, I hated it. And I had, like, panic attacks on stage, which was completely new to me after treating my panic disorder on Saturday Night Live. And being on stage is very structured, so I liked it. My panic is lack of structure and lack of control. So being on stage is incredibly structured. Somebody introduces you, you speak for 55 minutes, you walk off. You have a idea of, you know, like, if you break your act into eighths or quarters, I don't know how you do it or just bullet points you have that, you know, you can touch on. It's a very structured thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Predictable and. Right. But that. What happened was the guy that Adam's talking about, the. The guy that was an asshole Wasn't an anymore. But I still had the asshole's act.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

So every night I would go on State, I would shed. I had shed my skin, the old J. Moore. And I had to go get the. The skin and cobble it together. Talk about, like, eating ass. And like, I'd fall the stool into, like this. This horrible. Like, let's get laid and let's go party after the show.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm not.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't drink and I don't cheat and I don't, like. I don't want to have sex with anybody but my wife. But I'm up there going, like, you ever. You ever so much? Like, the whole act was about trying to get like, at the end of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And that gave you the panic attacks again. Yeah, there was a dichotomy.

[Allison Rosen]

I was a fraud. I was a complete lie. I was big fraud. And what I was saying was just this. It was just hard and it wasn't funny to me. Like, it was funny to them. It's just that guy that I think is an asshole talking about eating ass and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, like, how many get two knuckles deep into a blowjob, fellas? That's how, you know, you felt like. It's just fucking disgusting.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Still funny. Like, I stand by it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But not at all the energy that I felt. Felt when I was not on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So then I had to, like, for two years figure out what to do. And it was. My wife said, why don't you just take some time off? And then when you go back on stage, you'll just tell stories. You'll be like you, and it'll be more Lily Tomlinish, like telling stories or like Cosby not. There was no comparison, but believe me, between these great comedy people. But the style of comedy is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not one of these guys, listen. Oh, I know you're not one of these guys. I've listened Cosby shit on the radio and been like, yeah, yeah, some of it's horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

But then there's that himself where he just. Just walks you through an evening.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Cosby.

[Allison Rosen]

Every night is the same, right? Like, he just starts and. Or to my brother Russell, whom I slept with, right. About him and his brother laying in bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you're on my side of the bed. It's the whole. The second album side.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, who do you like?

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of comedians, Harlan to me is the greatest ever.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Allison Rosen]

One slot, like he's Michael Jordan, and then. I think everyone always has prior. But I think there's an odd. I think because of the sadness of Prior and his addictions and his battle and his crack and getting his act together. But, I mean, you could go to the store and just pick a Richard Pryor album. Ones that you've heard of, like Bicentennial Nigger or like, real famous ones. They're fucking horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're bad.

[Allison Rosen]

There's nothing funny on them for an hour. And there's other ones where he's, like,

[Adam Carolla]

memorized the entire Bicentennial Nigger album, by the way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture Dr. Drew at 14 and Pasadena memorizing it out. Dr. Drew in the his eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the special. The one special Prior did, though there's two that are on film live in the Sunset Strip, and the other one is just live. And I don't know which one's. Which one of them is really weird. It's on HBO and Sundance all the time. And the audience reaction shots looks like the audience from Apocalypse now when the Playmates come out of the helicopter. Like, it's shot like. Like Coppola shot it. And so weird. And he has no. I. Like, he has no set list. He has no. Like, this guy came out of retirement to do a special and he forgot to bring, like, an act, right? And if one party go. He just walks over to the stool and goes. Going to have a sip of water to calm the fuck down. And he's like. But he's being serious. Like, I am. Fuck. I'm out of my fucking mind. Because I realized I didn't bring anything up here with me, right? But then there's that one hour of comedy that Prior does where he talks about, like, lighting himself on fire, the dog shooting his car. That, to me, is a perfect hour.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a comedy. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Dennis Miller, the Off White album. A perfect hour of comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

I drove to Yosemite with Kimmel once, and we stopped at a truck stop and we decided to get a Richard Prior album just to listen to it on the way there. And I'd never really list. I'd listen to George Carlin albums, but never really listened to a Richard Prior album. And I just thought, that guy's a legend. And we just sort of listened to it. And, oh, we also got a J.J. walker one, which was not a great choice. And it was sort of like, I'm sort of going, what the. Like, what? Horrible. Why is this not. Why am I not laughing? The thing I admired about George Carlin was his discipline, like, this guy over the fact that he was coming up with all these new acts, even though he was rich and settled in this sort of undisputed king. Like, it was this weird thing. It'd be like. It'd be like if Mike Tyson never moved out of his shitty neighborhood, kept raising pigeons, and did 10 miles of road work every fucking morning at dawn. Like, really, you're the champ. You don't need to do this. Sit back, relax, cruise a little, you know. Let me line up some tomato cans for you to cruise through. We'll give you some. Some extra belts. No, he's like. He stayed hungry. He went out there and did his act with precision.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Tony Tucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, right. It's Jose Ribalta, Mike TNT Tucker, Bone Crusher Smith.

[Allison Rosen]

Follow the Truth Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Jesse Ferguson.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, God. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna come up with Michael Doakes,

[Allison Rosen]

Big John Tate.

[Adam Carolla]

I almost said Brandon Fr. Marvis Frazier.

[Allison Rosen]

Marvel and he him up in 28 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't worry about Marvis Frazier. He's not.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, the amazing thing about that fight was Marvis was out on his feet, but he couldn't fall because Mike had him up. That was Wide World of Sports. That was on abc. And that was the big, like. Sorry I had to spit all over your boots. That was the Big, like, well, let's see if he's for real. It's fucking Marvis Frazier, bro. You ain't gonna walk through Joe Frazier's boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy, right? Marvis, right?

[Allison Rosen]

The name Marvis is like. You got to be taking. It's like Chauncey Billups when he's on the basketball court, right? Me and my friends used to say, like, okay, like, we'd be super baked and go, what's the blackest name right now on the court when he was on the Pistons?

[Adam Carolla]

And you go, rasheed, right? Tayshawn, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

And everybody would go around and around, and I like, my big ace. My big. My big A. Darko.

[Caller/Listener]

Good.

[Allison Rosen]

My big ace in the hall was. I'd wait for everyone to say, like, well, Rasheed's pretty. Like. And then Ben.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then I would wait for everyone to be done, and I go, bro, Chauncey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a girl. An Irish girl's name. Like, if you go to, like, Camden, New Jersey High School, and they go, hey, man, Chauncey's looking for you. You are not leaving school that day. You're being stabbed to death in a boy like Chauncey. That's like the Gooch from Different Streets jokes.

[Ben Gleib]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you do not get blacker than Debreca Shaw.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's like, that's almost like To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah, like my middle name is Ferguson. So how black is he?

[Adam Carolla]

The bricashaw.

[Allison Rosen]

That whole jet team.

[Adam Carolla]

Jericho. All right. All I know, Laverneus.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like a cameo song.

[Adam Carolla]

Laverne. Doug DeLuca, who I know from Kim.

[Allison Rosen]

White guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Doug Deluca. White guy, went to high school in New Jersey with a chick, a black chick named Nachilla.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

And to me that's, that's, that's the reigning champ. You gotta chilla Nachilla.

[Allison Rosen]

Two black guys in my school. Jerville Gibbs and Joel Love.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Joel Love. Yeah, I play football with Melvin Royal. That's fine.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, so Marvis. I don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Marvis Frazier. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Mike had Marvis unconscious at about the 19th second mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

With an uppercut. But Marvis was asleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And I know you're a big fighter. By the way, the hammer was fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

I love that movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And I, I would.

[Caller/Listener]

Hammer, Hammer.

[Allison Rosen]

I got you snow.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just working. You see the snow? You look beautiful.

[Allison Rosen]

Marriage agrees with you. Hammer was terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And that puppy is the cutest damn dog I've ever seen.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're losing. So.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but Marvis couldn't fall down cuz Mike didn't stop throwing up her cuts. That was the most, one of the most surgical. Like he's lucky he didn't die.

[Adam Carolla]

I the shots that he would land. And then of course, Michael Spade, one of those challenge me.

[Allison Rosen]

With their primitive skills, Mike could have been the greatest human documentary about him. Oh yeah. He said best part, the best line in the whole documentary, in my opinion, is when Evander Holyfield keeps headbutting him and he goes. Then I blacked out again, but he wasn't hitting, hitting me and I didn't. And you watch the footage and you go, wow, he did like it put to sleep with Evander's head.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And then he goes. And I didn't feel the punches, but I heard them. Pow, pow, pow. And I thought what the.

[Adam Carolla]

His greatest line was? I knocked him in his equilibrium.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which you can use if. Because I can't do a Mike Tyson voice. But if you say as Mike Tyson, I knocked, I. I punched him in his equilibrium.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I want to play George Carlin real bad. I want. Used to want to play Chet Baker, but now I'm too old and fat.

[Adam Carolla]

And you want to play George Carlin.

[Allison Rosen]

But I realized I'd have to. I have to, like, get down to scary weight to play George Carlin. But I can only do. I can only do his voice when he goes low. Like, Tucker. Tucker sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, Todd.

[Allison Rosen]

Hi, Tucker.

[Adam Carolla]

The beer beard, you get the turtleneck.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a. That's a Ryan Gosling part right there, T. Oh, yeah. Photo of George Carlin for those of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Don Barish. What's up, T? How about we do a little more news so we can say that Jay Moore sat in with the. With the news? Let's do it before we call it a night.

[Allison Rosen]

You look. Call it a night?

[Adam Carolla]

No, we're not going. International news center next to Donnie's mini bikes. This is the news with Theresa Strasser.

[Teresa Strasser]

I had a baby since you last saw me, too. Got married and had a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Not news.

[Teresa Strasser]

That is the news.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that safe for work?

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Sfw.

[Teresa Strasser]

Victoria Beckham.

[Adam Carolla]

A boy or a girl?

[Teresa Strasser]

Boy.

[Allison Rosen]

He got you pregnant?

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta have more cowbells.

[Teresa Strasser]

You have a son, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I have a boy and his name is Bingo. See, the difference between a Christopher Walken impression and others is that many guys, they're afraid to go to the whisper.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Go to the whisper, and you got to break up the rhythm. You can't rest.

[Teresa Strasser]

Why are they afraid of the whisper?

[Allison Rosen]

Because it's scary. You go out there in front of people and you gotta break it down. You know what I love in King of New York? When he has that guy, he's gonna kill him. And he goes, just tell me why.

[Adam Carolla]

Just tell me why.

[Allison Rosen]

And the guy admits to him it was for the money. Okay. And then he acts like he doesn't hear him and goes, just tell me why.

[Adam Carolla]

I love when he said in. I think maybe I can get you to say this, by the way. Yeah, of course. Of course. And I think things to do in Denver when you're dead.

[Allison Rosen]

I spend my days surrounded that one.

[Adam Carolla]

He's talking about guys, like, guys hanging around and chugging cock.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. That's what you do first. You start by saving the rainforest. Then next thing you know, you're chugging cock. It's the way of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that.

[Allison Rosen]

You will. And Andy Garcia go. And Andy Garcia go. Goes, no, not me. He goes, you will. It's the way of the world. He gets wheeled in in his wheelchair because he's a complete quadriplegic invalid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a vegetable. And he goes. The first thing he says is, I spend my days surrounded by these two Morons. Like the guys that feed him, give him applesauce.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You try to save the rainforest and next thing you know you're chugging cock. Not yet. Well, you will. It's the way the world. And Andy Garcia tries to hide his Cubanism off topic. But whenever he gets angry in a movie, he can't hold it in. Yeah, like if you watch, like, he'll be like, listen, I'm Andy Garcia. Nobody really knows that I'm Cuba, but it's Theresa. I get angry in the movie Theresa,

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna start talking like this, you know, does that. Not Cuban, but it'll come out. When Tom Hanks yells, even if he's Forrest Gump, he will always yell as Tom Hanks. Like, if you watch Forrest Gump, yeah, he'll do that whole box of chocolate stuff. But at a certain point, when he's yelling for his buddy Bubba and fell off the face, he sounds just like. Yeah. And he goes right into Tom Hanks when he's yelling. And then it's right back to Bubba.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is good. Now, you led me into a story about another great actor, Sean Penny. He has talked to Vanity Fair about the end of his relationship with Robin Wright. He's 49 and he says, she is a ghost to me now.

[Allison Rosen]

It's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Three kids. Four kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

We spent all those years together. Now she's just gone. He says the one good thing to come out of the end of their 20 year relationship is that now he has more time to devote to his humanitarian efforts. Especially in Haiti. He says, I was for 20 years in a row relationship with Robin and 18 years with children. I didn't have time to commit to anything for real in places like Iraq, except to denounce the war. But now I'm single, I can lend a hand.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't eating a rowboat with a shotgun in New Orleans.

[Allison Rosen]

I will say this about Sean Penn. That motherfucker walks the walk, man, like you just said, like he is in the rowboat with the shotgun, walking waist high in human shit, pulling people out of attics.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. And I'm always torn because there's a part of me that just wants to go, oh, fuck him. It's just another. He's showboating. On the other hand, I'm not going over there and using a shotgun like a paddle. So how can I pass judgment? And I can't figure out, like, I can't figure out if he's a great artist or massive narcissist blowhard. I know he Takes himself wildly seriously. And I handle it like that. But I don't know him, so I don't really know what to do about him.

[Allison Rosen]

I think we should respect the fact that, like, Milk, he was tremendous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

And then Mystic River.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Milk was a bad choice. Yeah. But he's over there. Like, that does it. And you know what I like his stance on people are like, at Katrina when he was in a rowboat and pulling people off their house. Houses and telling the National Guard, like, all right, well, I got this little crew of local general store employees. We're gonna go over here. Go fuck yourself. Because you guys are. You guys are waiting for HQ to give you the okay. Like, he did his own thing. And then people are like, we gotta go get the animals. And he said, when in doubt, I'm gonna go human.

[Caller/Listener]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Because I fucking hate. Is that stupid Sarah McLaughlin commercial. That Canadian cunt comes on my TV five times a day because I lay in bed all day.

[Ben Gleib]

Day.

[Allison Rosen]

And they just show you, like, these homeless dogs? Yes, they do that before the movie every day. Thousands. Hi, I'm Sarah McLaughlin. And every day, thousands of dogs star like that, you know. You drove past 40 homeless people to get to the studio to do that stupid Save this Cat commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't understand the, you know, sort of lack of. Of priorities, which is. You put this above that and that underneath this, which is, you know, goldfish are just below your dog, but your dog are below your kids. Fucking 911 was such a tragedy.

[Allison Rosen]

Can't believe Jackie Marling left out.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is just put things into perspective. And the people.

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I do secretly suspect that the people that really love the shit out of animals sort of hate human beings. They never really come out and say it, but if you do the math and you see just how involved they are in this, they never really. It's like all the PETA assholes. It's not really. They love animals. I think they just hate people really more than they. They actually love animals. And I agree. I would like to live in a utopia where no dog was hungry, but I'd rather have every human being fed before the dogs got fed.

[Allison Rosen]

You'd be amazed at how, with what alacrity, human beings would help a dog with a full belly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is. It is insane. And it's.

[Allison Rosen]

You grew up here, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I grew up in North Hollywood.

[Allison Rosen]

And you had dogs?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I fucking. I begged. I bet my parents were like, are you kidding? We don't want to feed you.

[Allison Rosen]

We feed a dog you were a bottomless pit. In all fairness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We're not gonna.

[Allison Rosen]

Where'd you grow up?

[Teresa Strasser]

San Francisco.

[Allison Rosen]

And did you have dogs?

[Teresa Strasser]

Cats.

[Allison Rosen]

Cats. Outdoor or indoor?

[Teresa Strasser]

Indoor.

[Allison Rosen]

That's fascinating to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my parents said that, like kids, everything at our house was outdoor.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember you had to ask permission to come in to, like, to use the bathroom. Like, can we come in and get a drink?

[Adam Carolla]

Use the hose. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my dad. Oh, it's so sad when you have

[Allison Rosen]

an indoor cat, you gotta literally box. And what fascinates me about a litter box is that every day you walk past it and you go, not yet.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yo. Yeah, you push that.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I'm not gonna waste my time with three piles of cat, right? I'm gonna wait till it's overflowing with sesame chicken. I want to wait till all four of my. I'm gonna wait till all four of my cat's pads are on the linoleum and he's arching his ass over the edge and pushing it like one of those coin machines on the. Pushing the shit out. Well, then I'll take it outside where it belongs in the first place.

[Adam Carolla]

I. It is weird when you go, like, you have not reached a critical mass on cat shit in my kitchen yet. There's only 11 cat dukes in my house right now.

[Allison Rosen]

When we were kids, we had cats and, like, if they ran away, you were like, well, he wasn't a good cat then. He sucked.

[Teresa Strasser]

He wouldn't have left if he was a good cat.

[Allison Rosen]

And like, they gave him away in boxes like kittens.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to a supermarket.

[Allison Rosen]

Please take one of these cats for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we. We had a cat named Norman and we had. We. He was an outdoor cat and he would come indoors because we had. We didn't have. We had one air conditioner in our house and it was. That guy sounds hot. But one TV and one air conditioner. And the smartest thing the Corolla's ever did was put them in the same room because we knew we were. We weren't going to sit around and tell stories about the old country. We're going to sit around and watch Mod. So we sat in one room and watched a black and white Zenith television while the air conditioner was buzzing behind it. But it was one of those air conditioners that didn't fit exactly right into the window. So that accordion thing that made up the Gap. Well, when one broke out, instead of replacing it, my mom just took two safety pin or no, two push pins and hung a piece of denim like, for making cutoff the jeans and took the legs and hung it there. And Norman used to jump up and leave the house. He would come and go from the little flap that was next to the. It would all be covered with weird cat, smelly cat hair. But, yeah, Norman. Norman was cool. And then when we got our other cat, Norman moved into the house next

[Teresa Strasser]

door, I just laughed.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how cool Norman was.

[Adam Carolla]

Norman, shyness, noise. He was a lot like Sean Penn. He's like, you guys are all just a ghost to me right now. I could be helping out in Iraq or Afghanistan or the neighbor's house.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm gonna lend a hand.

[Adam Carolla]

And the neighbor's kid thought Norman was their cat. And we just kind of said, fuck it, we got a new cat now. Norman took off.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have a dog now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I have a dog now. I.

[Allison Rosen]

That's tough. You have twins, right? So you're in zone coverage with pets?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's a tough hustle. They. Well, I had a weird thing with dogs, which is I always wanted a dog. I was nuts for dogs. I always wanted a German Shepherd. Shepherd. And we never had one. And we. My family was so, like, just on Quaaludes, and, like, they couldn't do anything. Like, didn't have a yard where they could build a fence or feeding and cleaning up. Like, it was all one big hassle. See, everything was a hassle. That was it. See, my family, it was never like, oh, the joy that a pet would bring. It was, oh, one more thing to feed. Then you got to put water in the bowl. Then you have to take them for a walk. And then you to need. Yeah, you gotta breathe. You have to. You have to keep your eyes open. Like, according to your math, you should just put a shotgun in your mouth and end this hassle known as life.

[Allison Rosen]

But your family did that with everything. Like, now he's in fifth grade. Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, great, great, great.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I gotta relearn the times tables, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So my dad always said he lived in a piece of apartment in North Holland, but he always. He always. He was smart. He was like, if I ever move into a house, then we'll get a dog. And I think he knew he was never going to move into a house, but he bought a $15,000 house off of Oxnard and Laurel Canyon at some point. And I said, now we got a dog. And he was like, yeah, I was lying. And we never got the dog. And then I never got the dog. And then I don't know what kind of message this is. But at some point, I had this epiphany. I was, like, 34 years old. I was living alone in a big house up in the Beechwood Canyon. I was making tons of money doing the man show and Loveline and everything else. And I was like, wow, you never. You still never had a dog. Like, your parents sufficiently crushed your dreams, and now you've carried on as a soldier in the retarded army of downtrodden.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. You're depriving yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm depriving myself now I'm living alone. I have plenty of money, and I

[Allison Rosen]

could have a dog repeating the cycle.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think you've internalized the deprivation.

[Adam Carolla]

So I said it. I'm gonna go out. And I said I always wanted a German Shepherd.

[Allison Rosen]

And I went out and got German

[Adam Carolla]

shepherd, and I went out, got myself a goddamn German Shepherd.

[Allison Rosen]

Goddamn right you did.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing died four months later.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Of what? A broken heart?

[Adam Carolla]

Headache.

[Teresa Strasser]

German shepherds get the bloat.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird. Something going on with the liver. And I was like, all right. Well, it.

[Allison Rosen]

What's your favorite Kitel movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we could do a little Keitel.

[Allison Rosen]

Jennifer. The series must go seven games.

[Teresa Strasser]

Bad. Lieutenant.

[Allison Rosen]

The revenue. Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

The revenue. Money alone between those two towns. There's no jobs in this town, are there?

[Adam Carolla]

I like him as Mr. Wolf.

[Allison Rosen]

If you want to make money, leave it on the Mets. Strawberry is gonna break out.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when. I liked it when.

[Allison Rosen]

Say the goddamn words.

[Adam Carolla]

Travolta got sassy with Mr. Wallace Wolf when he came over to help clean up the brain matter. Very good. Coffee on the roof. On the roof of the Dodge Dart

[Allison Rosen]

after they shot Norman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And. And. And Travolta.

[Allison Rosen]

Marvin. All right, easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And Travolta's like, what are we cleaning this up for?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet, gentlemen.

[Adam Carolla]

Bundy in him, by the way, when

[Allison Rosen]

he does that, it hurts. Bid. You're shot in the gut, but you don't die from your wounds. It takes days. You're gonna wish you were dead.

[Adam Carolla]

I love. Yeah. Reservoir Dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

That's before he turned it into a goddamn shooting gallery. Bang, bang. What the was Joe thinking hiring that maniac?

[Adam Carolla]

Love me some Reservoir Dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you a doctor? No.

[Adam Carolla]

No doctor.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you admit you. I, you know, granted, the Tim Roth I'm gonna do. This is Colin Quinn doing everybody. Granted, you know, the Tim Roth isn't,

[Bald Bryan]

you know,

[Allison Rosen]

Tim Roth is not quite up to snuff. Workshopping that one on an easel at home in my apartment, next to my posters of, you know, Jane. There I am. Beautiful me, boyish good looks. Jesus, I'm 70 already. Are you a doctor? Then you admit your medical opinion means nothing. Now I sound like Colin doing Harvey Keitel.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care. I've not heard a good Colin point in a while.

[Allison Rosen]

What are you doing? You know, sitting on a goddamn podcast, you know, turned out I turned on the role of Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Of course not. You know, just sort of a allegory of how my life's going so far. Well, what do you know? You know, sitting around, you know, I'm pulling YouTube clips of Doug Stanhope talking about mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my drug experience.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sober now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't think we're gonna do any better than that, T. Sorry, no offense.

[Allison Rosen]

I want the news.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, One more news story.

[Allison Rosen]

How about Charlie Sheen news?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I have some.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been going about my professional career all wrong, Adam. I don't do drugs, and I don't punch my wife and her ohs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And I stay out of the court system entirely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He makes $2 million a week. He got a raise on.

[Adam Carolla]

They showed me the friendly cbs.

[Allison Rosen]

They showed me the door. Thank you, but no thank you. Gary is gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, a lot of people are saying it's complicated sentencing a celebrity because you don't want to let him totally off the hook because it'll look like you're soft on crime because he's famous. But you don't to want to make him an example.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's unfair to make an example of him and give him more time than you would give any other citizen for whatever crime he's being accused of.

[Allison Rosen]

But it does smoke crack and punch Lynn in the face after you've been arrested for, like, a crack or a drug related offense.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

You would go to jail. There's no doubt.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my God, it's exciting.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no doubt in my mind. We know don't rap 145. We get it, Jean. Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not factoring in the bitch asking for it plea that Charlie's probably making.

[Allison Rosen]

I think. You know, I don't know if she really asked for it as much as him.

[Teresa Strasser]

He is resuming.

[Allison Rosen]

I wish I came earlier just to love Colin, but Jesus Christ.

[Teresa Strasser]

Adam made the point earlier that how bad can jail be in Aspen?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's not warm. I don't know who I'm doing. Tracy. Colin And Keitel and Walk. It all combined in my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, is he doing hard time in Aspen? Like, what's the plan?

[Teresa Strasser]

He's expected to enter a plea by the time you hear this. This may have already happened. But, yes, I believe he will do some time. Yeah, or maybe he'll get. Maybe he'll time served. I think maybe he'll do 15.

[Allison Rosen]

You know the Mike Tyson biography that did every day of that, of that three years, I didn't realize that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's absolutely insane about our judicial system? When you go back and you watch some of these stories, like these Hollywood murder things, unlike E. And you go back and you see some of them, you realize how bizarre and arbitrary so much of this stuff is. Like, I just saw one the other night was like, too young to die in Hollywood. And there was that actress, dark haired actress with the sort of bushy eyebrows, who was in Poltergeist.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, oh. Her father was a famous writer. Dominique

[Adam Carolla]

Dominic Dunn is her dad.

[Allison Rosen]

She got murdered, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

And her brother. Griffin Dunn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she was murdered.

[Allison Rosen]

Griffin Dunn.

[Adam Carolla]

She was murdered by her boyfriend. Yeah, she broke up with her boyfriend and her boyfriend did that thing where like, I want to pop over the house and talk. And he came over the house and they argue in the driveway and she tried to run away and he chased her down and he choked her out. He just literally choked her to death on the driveway. He got manslaughter, by the way. I don't know what you have to do to get murder. You fucking put your hands around their throat and you throttled them.

[Allison Rosen]

You went there to talk to her so you could argue premeditated.

[Adam Carolla]

He got manslaughter. He got sentenced to like five years. And he did three years. Fucking Tommy Chong did three years for

[Teresa Strasser]

making polls, selling a bong across state line.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? How random and arbitrary is it? You go to someone's house who's like 23 years old, you choke them to death. Literally. It's not like, well, the gun slipped and hit the ground and it went off. Or I was waving it around, I was trying to remove a point, my finger slipped. I choked her to death and killed her. I did three years. And there's guys who sold couple tabs acid at a fish concert that have done seven years.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, what the fuck? That guy that stalked Gwyneth Paltrow relentlessly, cut off every, like, nothing. Like, just go home and leave her alone.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's wrong. But taking a life, I'm not comparing the two. And doing less than five years, Dominic

[Teresa Strasser]

Dunn, her father until the day he died. In every interview, he would. He would say the name of the judge that sentenced that guy. I mean, he never, ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Manslaughter is me and Jay Moore hanging out, having a couple of brews right after the podcast. And then Jay throwing it in reverse and backing out and clipping a Mexican bus. Boys driving by in a stolen ten speed. That's manslaughter.

[Allison Rosen]

That's vehicular manslaughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, Jade probably do three years for that get off.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, a couple bumps.

[Adam Carolla]

Colin would do a couple get you

[Allison Rosen]

off, I'd say, your honor. It's good. Nice Blue eyed boy here. If Colin represented 37 on Twitter promoting nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

But if Jay walked over to his, like, ex wife's house and just throttled her on the front lawn until she died, that's murder.

[Teresa Strasser]

That was a miscarriage.

[Adam Carolla]

Planning on that?

[Teresa Strasser]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but Colin could get you off, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you're on a. You know, do me a favor. Take a good goddamn look at this kid. You know, he's a good kid. Yeah, he's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Colin, I have a question. Where can I catch J. Moore's comedy act?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, he's like Charles Manson. He's on the 405. He's in San Diego Zoo. He's everywhere, man.

[Adam Carolla]

What about. What about the name of his book, Colin?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no wonder my parents drank Mr. Caroll.

[Adam Carolla]

And, and what about his Twitter account? How would you reach him?

[Allison Rosen]

Look, but if, in all seriousness, if people could buy the book, that would be cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[Allison Rosen]

And I. I could get a book

[Adam Carolla]

advance maybe if Colin told him to buy the book.

[Allison Rosen]

Do me a favor, dummy.

[Adam Carolla]

Go out and buy J.

[Allison Rosen]

What are you gonna do? Go buy the Laura Bushmark if you like. I was married to a retarded guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think you got a book signing tonight at Book Soup.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that was two weeks ago that they asked me that when I came in too.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice call. All right, I want to give a quick shout out to our sponsor. I'm not blaming you, but it is your fault. I just want to give a shout out to our sponsor, man. Great. They fit any grill. Steakhouse quality grilling, 100% cast iron. Throw it right on top of your grill. Heated up steaks and poultry like you've never had before. 100% made in America. Great Father's Day special. 25% off. Click the [e-mail] and tomorrow's show. Fred Willard, everyone. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for the new improve, Jay Moore Yeah, of course. And Colin Quinn and Teresa Strasser.

[Allison Rosen]

She got pregnant.

[Adam Carolla]

And Tracy Morgan saying, mahalo.

[Caller/Listener]

Foreign.

[Bald Bryan]

That's Adam Crow Show 339 after the original format of the podcast, going back to the format that emulated the morning show, ironically taped in the evenings.

[Adam Carolla]

That does it for his cruel classics.

[Bald Bryan]

Again, huge congratulations to the ace man

[Adam Carolla]

for a star in the Hollywood Walk

[Bald Bryan]

of Fame alongside Jimmy Kimmel, Dr. Drew and Joel McHale. And Byron Allen could have gone better on his birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty big, big deal.

[Bald Bryan]

Also, the kids were there. Seemed like a really fun day. And Dawson, until next time, Mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

And get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place.

[Allison Rosen]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2 Fringe. The 100 Mex files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay. Never. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place.

[Allison Rosen]

Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2 Fringe. Arrow the 100NEX files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.