Ben Schwartz + Jim Gaffigan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Ben Schwartz + Jim Gaffigan (Carolla Classics)

Episode Date: April 18, 2026
Featured Episodes: Classic moments featuring Ben Schwartz and Jim Gaffigan
Host: Adam Carolla, with Allison Rosen & Brian Bishop
Format: Curated highlights with Superfan Giovanni (Podcast Host), classic interviews and roundtable banter

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode spotlights hilarious and insightful moments from two classic Adam Carolla Show episodes: one featuring comedian/actor Ben Schwartz (from 2012) and another with stand-up titan Jim Gaffigan. The segments are characterized by Adam's signature unfiltered humor, lively debates on pop culture, media, work ethic, and parenting, plus extended riffs on news items and society’s ills.

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Key Segments & Insights

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1. Work Ethic, Free Labor & Jimmy Kimmel's Rise (00:00–16:00)

Theme: The value of hard work, “free labor,” and how success is earned through effort rather than entitlement.

• Adam shares stories about announcing a new diet and being undermined by family temptations (Taco Bell, In-N-Out, pies, etc.).
• Adam reflects on his book—a collection of stories and life lessons.
• Extended discussion on Jimmy Kimmel’s work ethic:
  • Kimmel worked for free for years on producing albums, skits, and wrangling bands, motivated not by money but by a desire to create.
  • Adam’s takeaway: “The dude who never asked for a penny... is now hosting the Emmys. And it's not a coincidence. That's how the dude was wired.” (09:58)
  • “You’re never really exploited because all of the skills... you now take with you.” (10:40)
• Allison Rosen shares her own parallel in writing for national magazines for free to build a portfolio.
• “It's not who's the funniest, it's who's funny enough... and who can assemble people and who has the structure and ideas.” (14:46)
• “Combination of football speed and combination of staying up and partying with hookers.” (14:57, joking about the ingredients of success)

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2. Media Narratives & The Rutgers Webcam Case (15:47–37:23)

Theme: A critical, skeptical discussion of media coverage surrounding the Rutgers webcam case (Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi), and the societal hunger for victim/oppressor narratives.

• Adam lambasts media for “agenda-driven” reporting, distorting the facts for a story of homophobia and villainy.
• Key Quotes:
  • "We're so hungry for a story... Ravi really did almost next to nothing and we need a scapegoat." (16:49)
  • "Don't tell me our media isn't leaning that way... You're cooking up stuff that's become truth to us." (20:20)
  • "If the reason the guy killed himself is because of a homophobic roommate then there's no message sent to any other 18-year-olds who are thinking about killing themselves." (24:04)
• Allison and Brian discuss the ways catastrophized reporting warps public understanding and impedes honest discussion of mental health/suicide.
• “You report the news, you don’t make it, you don’t twist it, you don’t bend it, you don’t put fucking Cool Whip on it, you just fucking report it.” (34:34)

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3. Ben Schwartz Interview: Comedy, Writing, and Improv Gold (37:49–49:29)

Theme: The career path of Ben Schwartz, comedic improvisation, and inside-professional comedy writer talk.

• Ben Schwartz (House of Lies, future Sonic the Hedgehog voice) discusses:
  • Getting started faxing in freelance (and mostly unpaid) monologue jokes to Letterman and Weekend Update at SNL.
  • “If you're getting one joke for every 25 you submit, you're doing pretty damn good. That would be... an all-star!” (39:18)
  • Running improv bits between Ben and Adam, displaying classic “yes, and…” comedic collaboration:
    • "See, this is 'Yes, and' at its finest. I don't even know what we're talking about anymore." (39:57)
• Discussion of the Weekend Update format, history, and behind-the-scenes changes through SNL history.
• Favorite bits about joke acceptance and audience reactions—awkwardness, riskiness, and how to write for different Weekend Update anchors.

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4. News & Banter: Lotteries, Animals, and Kids’ Media (49:45–75:54)

Theme: Irreverent analysis of current events and everyday observations.

• Mega Millions Lottery Madness:
  • Adam rails against the lottery as a “retarded form of gambling” and “the worst message a government can send”:
    • “All this is, is the exact opposite of [the American Dream]. The message from the lottery is, sit back and hope something good happens.” (51:10)
• Discussion of animal dietary habits and why dogs (and sea mammals!) may or may not like sweet foods.
• Kids’ Books Rant:
  • Adam skewers formulaic children’s books and their lack of imagination, including:
    • “Who took the cookies from the cookie jar? The answer is, who gives a fuck?” (98:10)
  • Frustration with the “self-esteem at all costs” trend in children’s media: “Fucking kids just lapping this shit up, having their brains poisoned...” (102:44)
  • Satirical children’s story improv on random objects (“Randy the Random Orbital Sander”), highlighting the simplistic repetition in kids’ literature as filler.

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5. Classic Interview: Jim Gaffigan One-on-One (135:49–179:49)

Theme: Stand-up comedy business, passion vs. process, parenting, new media, and Gaffigan’s—surprisingly unique—writing partnership.

• Career Path & the Live Stand-up Model:
  • Jim talks about building audience purely through stand-up and specials rather than TV shows or “platform” gigs.
  • “Hopefully it’s consistency and kind of delivering on... you do a show and people want to come back.” (137:19)
• Writing with his Wife:
  • Gaffigan details developing his act with his wife Jeannie:
    • “It wasn’t immediate, but over the past six years... it’s a writing partnership. Tags, structure, everything.” (150:33)
• Passion vs. Practicality:
  • Adam contrasts his “job” approach to comedy with Jim’s craft-centered one:
    • “I have no self-esteem... if they laugh, that's just my job.” (153:12)
  • Gaffigan: “I’m really excited to do an amazing show... to have some idea of beginning, middle, and end, and I do want people... to be like, that was really good.” (157:21)
• New Media Models:
  • Gaffigan releases a special, “Mr. Universe,” as a $5 digital download, with $1 going to the Bob Woodruff Foundation (“helping veterans and their families”). Inspired by Louis C.K.’s direct-to-fan model.
• Parenting & Comedy:
  • Both Adam and Jim reflect on being funny parents and how that feeds into their kids’ personalities and behaviors.
• Miscellaneous Banter:
  • Observations about airline travel etiquette (“People behave as if there are no consequences”), gym treadmill shaming, and more.
  • Adam’s trademark riffs about passion fruit iced tea, oatmeal cookies with cranberries, and the granola bar as candy bar.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Work Ethic/Self-Motivation:
  • Adam: “Kimmel always did all this stuff on a flyer... and now he’s hosting the Emmys.” (09:58)
• On Media and Truth:
  • Adam: “You report the news; you don’t make it, you don’t twist it, you don’t bend it, you don’t put fucking Cool Whip on it. You just fucking report it.” (34:34)
• On Lottery Culture:
  • Adam: “Worst message a government can send its people is the lottery... All this is the exact opposite [of] work hard, educate yourself, bust your butt.” (51:10)
• On Kids’ Media:
  • Adam: “Fucking kids just lapping this fucking shit up, having their brain poisoned by this stupid horribly animated piece of shit.” (102:44)
• On Comedy & Collaboration:
  • Ben Schwartz: “If you’re getting one joke for every 25 you submit, you’re doing pretty damn good. That would be... an all-star!” (39:18)
• On Stand-up:
  • Jim Gaffigan: “I don’t think there’s anything more enjoyable than coming up with a new joke...” (152:53)
• On Comedy as ‘Work’:
  • Adam: “I like making people laugh, but I feel like it’s my job... If they don’t laugh, I fucked up, but if they do laugh, that's just my job.” (153:12)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Start | End | |-----------------------------------------------------|----------|----------| | Work Ethic & Kimmel | 00:00 | 16:00 | | Rutgers Webcam/Media Critique | 15:47 | 37:23 | | Ben Schwartz Interview & Improv | 37:49 | 49:29 | | Lottery Rant, Animal Tastes, Kids Books | 49:45 | 75:54 | | Kids Self-Esteem & Book Improv | 95:47 | 114:09 | | Jim Gaffigan Classic Interview (solo) | 135:49 | 179:49 |

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Episode Tone & Style

True to the Adam Carolla Show, these classics mix razor-sharp social observations, irreverent humor, heartfelt insights on work and creativity, and energetic, candid banter with guests. Adam’s “rant and riff” style is front and center, with interludes of improv brilliance and down-to-earth confessions from fellow comedians.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a master class in unscripted podcasting—covering everything from career advice for creatives, to the perils of media narratives, to the surprisingly deep impact of children’s entertainment. Essential listening for fans of comedy, cultural critique, and the art of riffing.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

foreign

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

welcome to corolla classics i'm your host superfan giovanni this is the podcast where we play the best moments highlights and fan selected clips from all seventeen years of the adam carolla show to obtain the full archive of the adam corolla show please check out adam carolla's substack adamcorolla dot substack dot com there you'll find the ad free archives of the adam carolla show the adam doctor drew show as well as the podcast beat it out and if you like to request the clip please email us classicsamcorla dot com we do get an overwhelming amount of requests for clips from loveline or the klsx adam carolla show that ran from two thousand six to two thousand nine for seven hundred fifteen episodes that immediately preceded this podcast while we're not able to play those clips if you'd like to find more information on loveline or the kayla sex adam carolla show and the effort to save that lost media please check out patreon dot com giovanni there you'll find the most up to date information on the efforts to recover these shows and share them online all right let's get to the clips coming first we have adam carla show seven hundred eighty nine featuring ben schwartz allison rosen and brian bishop from twenty twelve ben's a killer guest who would later come on for episode one thousand a really fun live episode this appearance might be equally as great hope you guys enjoy

[Adam Carolla]

good day bald bryan you should know better adam's an idiot good day allison rosen hello adam carolla hey man legal zoom baby forbes magazine says small businesses and startups are gonna get this economy back on track it's about time that's right it's national start your business month and by the way we're running out of time it's almost the end of the month almost the end of the month let's do your part let's go to legalzoom dot com hurry it ends this week legalzoom dot com legalzoom has helped thousands nay twelve hundreds is that more yeah could be more could be more sounds like more i better work this one out kabillions of contractors stores restaurants even doctors get their business started that's right legalzoom saves you time saves you money total zoom customer support is what they call it they also throw in free accounting software right dawson yeah go to legalzoom dot com during the last week of national start your business month and save even more when you enter adam in the referral box at checkout legalzoom is not a lawyer and self help services are provided at your specific direction for incorporations llcs dbas and more go to legalzoom dot com today all right so first a little life lesson well of course little all right it's gonna take a while but you know how whenever i announce i'm on a diet the shit just starts pouring in some director's wife brings pies yes i announced i was on a diet yesterday and my wife brought home taco bell for lunch and in n out burger for dinner which is like call me i know there's something wrong with me but i've had this with her before i go i've said it's painful to see this big car cardboard box of cheeseburgers come in here and she's like it's for the kids and i'm like i know but it's hard for me to smell them as they come into the house

[Allison Rosen]

plus i feel like sonny would rather eat raisins or something i don't know his eating habits but he seems like

[Adam Carolla]

he'd be eating healthy he probably would so there was so i announced i was on a diet and yesterday was the taco bell followed by the in n out burger followed by showing up here with a pumpkin pie and a pecan pie and two quarts of ice cream and lasagna and frozen stouffer's lasagna and a couple bottles of i did drink the red wine but i ate jesus christ oh god damn god damn speaking of taco bell not taco bell material new book the link is on our website if you'd like to be kind enough and pre order that bad

[Brian Bishop]

boy what do you want to tie

[Adam Carolla]

it for buddy you look skinny thank you i have some tv stuff coming up and whenever i have tv stuff coming up i just kind of take it easy and also i'm also one of these guys who just sort of two hundred pounds is kind of my mark where i'll just fuck around get up to two hundred pounds i go when i get to about two hundred two hundred one i go it's time to get down to one hundred ninety three again so i'm in that mode but thank you anyway and yeah taco bell everybody i was wildly you know the book is just a bunch of stories essentially and ken crosby who's the who's one of the segment producers and the guy i work with whenever i do kimmel was i talked to him earlier today and he said oh man i was reading a book in bed last night i was laughing hysterically except for my wife was asleep so i had to sort of stifle myself so i was convulsing and i thought he was talking about my last book and i thought like as part of me was thinking that's flattering but on the other hand hey ken it took you a year and a half to read the fucking book and we worked together a lot i'm surprised he didn't claim to be a fan and finish by

[Brian Bishop]

saying it inspired me to conquer my

[Adam Carolla]

illiteracy he was reading the new book and i said well how the fuck did you get the new book and he said it just literally came over in a file and it was just a pile of papers he was just thumbing through them but never had more praise heaped on me for really anything ever and this guy's sharp and i was like i didn't think it was that funny but it's just a bunch of stories it's all the stories it's all the old stories in one hardbound cover with a little bit of life lesson stuff worked in along the way so it's the collection of the ones you have heard some you haven't heard but it's all in between two hard pieces of cardboard and i was very flattered that he was convulsing one of the lessons i actually stumbled across not in the book but i said to matt fondelier the porcelain punisher i called him up today and i said hey i was watching twenty twenty on friday night and they had this whole story about the kid who jumped off the george washington bridge and blah blah blah and i need that i need you to find that and look it up and this that and the other and then i paused thanks mike hand me the paper with all the beat sheets on it and i said by the way i come in here and i go hey i was watching tmz and they had this guy and i saw this on the news and i saw this stupid tampon commercial and i've done the thing where i've said to everyone i've worked with on terrestrial radio and i'm noti don't want to sound judgmental or dicky here i understand how people are wired i've said to everyone you're all deputized if you see something funny on tv if you see a commercial if you see something that seems good a peanut allergy or lotto stuff story or something like that or you're just watching your show and there's something in it bring it in or tell somebody find it we'll run it we'll talk about it we'll do it and in the ten years i've been doing that it's been pretty much zero of people bringing in shit like hey boss i was watching sixty minutes last week i don't know if you saw this story it just doesn't happen and i said to matt the porcelain punisher fondelier i said matt i'm not blaming anyone it's human nature i'm over ten years on this but if in i said it's two hundred and fifty bucks every time we use one of your stories on the show i gotta believe there'd be a few of them coming in and he said oh for sure and i said yeah that's how we're wired and then i said let me tell you a story about a fellow who did nothing but donate his time and never really got paid for it he was producing bands he was writing parody songs he was producing the kevin and bean christmas album every single year he was showing up at three thirty in the morning and editing stuff cutting tape literal audio tape on his thigh and then sticking it back together with scotch tape and essentially doing all the producing all the writing and all the heavy lifting for the kevin and bean christmas album never got paid never fucking got an extra nickel for it really didn't get much praise for it a couple of that of boys barely a beer i

[Allison Rosen]

said did he jump off the bridge

[Adam Carolla]

he is hosting a little something called the emmys jon stewart love that guy he will be hosting the emmys in a few months and he worked for free and all he did was work all he did was shut up and work and he's hosting the emmys how does that work that is the message i want to send to your kids because everybody does that hey man and hey man and what about a little love i mean honestly i'm not any better than any of us i wouldn't have worked on those albums getting there at four in the morning editing staying late going and wrangling these bands in and writing songs no bumps no pay no praise and that times everything mister burcham editing doing all this stuff all the bits we did that was all kimmel but guess who's hosting the emmys kimmel that's right there so you can go into sort of kind of cruise control of i'll bring shit in when you pay me to bring shit in or i'll volunteer my time when you pay me to volunteer my time it sounds a little counterintuitive i'll work on this when i get a nickel from that or when i can directly associate me working on this with then it'll get sold and i'll get a nickel from everyone that's sold in three weeks but kimmel always did all this stuff on a flyer and that's how he always approached everything and now he's hosting emmys for free by the way not convinced so he's still stupid yeah oh no i'm not saying he's smart i'm saying he's fucking getting rooked he's getting

[Allison Rosen]

fucked you said it's good to have someone like that around because they'll help you out and they don't want money

[Adam Carolla]

yes i'm just saying the dude who gave it all away the dude who never asked for a penny and the dude who did nothing but volunteer their time and bring in shit and do all that shit is the dude who's hosting the emmys and it's not a coincidence that's how the dude was wired and is wired and i don't know how you give that to your kids because we're all so yeah i'll come in on a saturday but i get golden time right like that's where we're all sort of wired for and i

[Allison Rosen]

think people feel like they want to impart the don't let yourself be exploited don't let yourself be taken advantage of lesson as well which in certain circumstances is important too figure out well we're

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i agree but you're never really exploited because all of the skills that jimmy had to learn in order to produce a comedy album he now takes with him in a successful late night show and ironically when he's working on doing bits for the emmys he will have he will be using a lot of those same muscles that he used so many years ago producing that kevin and bean christmas album he'll be doing bands he'll be doing parody songs he'll be you know whatever it is it's not one for one it's like a push up makes you a little better at football it's not always practicing football that makes you better at football when

[Allison Rosen]

i started writing i wrote for free for national magazines and i i did cover stories for them and i built up all my clips and i was able to then take those and send them out and that's how i started writing for people in rolling stone very young and if i hadn't if i demanded that i were paid i wouldn't have been able to get all those

[Adam Carolla]

right and that's and people sort of understand that a little bit as it pertains to college college you don't you're not going to get paid to go to college internships and that kind of stuff but they don't realize that that extends into your professional life i mean when jimmy was doing this stuff he had been at his fifth radio station had a couple of kids was married was working gainfully employed and full time and all that stuff and still was doing all the free shit on the because he knew he didn't want to be the sports guy at kroc for the rest of his life anyway question

[Brian Bishop]

what percentage of his success or anyone who's successful's success do you attribute to the hard work versus obviously hard work is important like you're saying but at the end of the day you have to produce you know what i mean he's talented and his stuff he worked hard to produce great stuff i mean people can work hard and spin their wheels you have to be talented right you have to be yep the proofs in the pudding or whatever idiom you

[Adam Carolla]

want to use you know the thing that's funny about jimmy is his talent is his ethic and his producing and while he's funny and while he's talented his probably greatest talent is putting people together assembling teams the engine behind the ideas i mean when you really just want to cut them open and see who's funnier like who when it's time

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

bleeds like if we if you cut open jimmy's vein and we just drained it into a giant beaker to see how much funny would come out of it

[Allison Rosen]

and what's it measured in chuckles i'll

[Adam Carolla]

bet you leaders millet chuckles he has chuckle cell anemia i mean honestly josh gardner dfg and writing all the parody songs he might come he might come up a little higher on the beaker and honestly he might i mean he's a super super funny guy who will never get an ounce of that to the rear wheels he has no way of putting people together he has no way of facilitating it he has no structure he has no i mean and it's a weird thing because we do that by the way winter bush his next album is available on itunes as we speak no i don't and it's not to say jimmy's not funny jimmy's plenty funny but it's not who's the funniest it's who is funny enough to do this and then who works it and who can assemble the people and who has the structure and the ideas

[Brian Bishop]

like the nfl combine it's like that guy has a faster forty time and a higher vertical leap and all that stuff and why is the other guy you know starting and making ten million dollars well he's got it he's got the internal drive whatever it is it's

[Adam Carolla]

a combination of football speed but it's also a combination of staying up and partying and doing rails with hookers yes yes jimmy does no that's what i'm

[Brian Bishop]

saying that's right oh okay we're on

[Adam Carolla]

the same page all right i don't know again he's working for free like an idiot he's doing a lot of rails with hookers so all i'm saying is the guy who all those years ago was working for free is now hosting the emmys tangent thank you all right let's see you got some news

[Brian Bishop]

taco bell box of tacos rich man poor man that's either like this better be lunch and dinner or it's you know what they're one dollar twenty nine cents let's just buy a whole box if there's extra there's extra we'll throw

[Adam Carolla]

them away yeah rich man poor man i don't know but i love me some taco bell and i don't know if they're gonna do anything with my

[Allison Rosen]

book or not like distance themselves from

[Adam Carolla]

it yeah all right let's talk about this whole thing with the rutgers webcam thing and this darun ravi guy and the tyler clemente the guy jump jumped off the bridge remember this whole thing about a year ago or so it was just in the news i don't know what you're talking about sentence or they're trying to bring him up on

[Allison Rosen]

manslaughter charges yeah he filmed his gay roommate having sex and then put it on the internet and did he out him yeah but then he so so then the gay roommate was so upset that he killed himself and then clementi the guy who did it was sentenced i don't know if you have it

[Adam Carolla]

there how many years ago clemente's the victim he's the guy jumped oh sorry

[Allison Rosen]

ravi yes ravi but he came out and he said that he had texted the victim and apologized and that he didn't have a problem with him being gay and it was just a prank

[Adam Carolla]

it was all which say's all correct except for almost everything which is he was not outed by this guy he was out already and he did not film him having sex but the media reported that they filmed him having sex and the media reported that he outed him and the media reported that he also would have like these viewing parties and put it up on the internet he didn't do any of that we're insane now we're officially insane we're so hungry for a story this guy clemente he was depressed he was clinically depressed and he killed himself because he was clinically depressed this guy ravi really did almost next to nothing and we need a scapegoat and we cannot stop beating the shit out of ourselves as a society we never stop with how racist we are we never we never give ourself even breath we never stop with how racist we are and we never stop with how homophobic we are this guy ravi is as big a victim as anybody in this case because he's being fucking lynched for almost nothing first off he's an eighteen year old kid you have to factor that in and people go oh he's an adult you

[Brian Bishop]

know but what actually happened what actually

[Adam Carolla]

happened what actually happened is he got a weird introverted gay roommate who was a weird dude and depressed so he got first thing he got was oh great i mean i was talking about that i mean with kevin hench earlier today and it's like first off your roommate is a cellmate in college it's that close and about the only upside is if you get to hear him bang their girlfriend twice a week or something like that if you're gonna be living on top of each other but when the guy's gay let's face it not as much fun putting the glass to the door or to the wall and hearing him make out with the dude that's not homophobic that's just the truth when it comes to eighteen year old dudes with a libido if you had a there's not a homophobic bone in your body the first day of

[Brian Bishop]

college that's your entire that's your social circle your room so he's here's your

[Adam Carolla]

key to making friends right and there's an element of i hope this guy's got a hot girlfriend i hope she's got some hot friends i hope she can bring i hope we can go out and pick up some chicks i hope when i'm in the room banging my chick he can be in the kitchen bang and when you find out your roommate's gay and he's super introverted and super weird and depressed that's a bummer that's when you tell your friends great news guess who i got stuck with so that was that was part of it secondly the guy was bringing over the dude he was bringing over wasn't his boyfriend it was like older creepy dude who he like met on the internet so you're living in four hundred square feet and when you're eighteen and the twenty six year old dude comes by and the dude got that look like remember in boogie nights remember the guy thomas jane you don't want thomas jane from boogie nights when you're eighteen like coming into your apartment and just sort of hanging out and your part your partner going you know your roommate going could you split for a while you're like shit man i got all my stuff in there like just weird internet cruising on the internet meant they do to have sex with dude it wasn't oh this guy's over thomas j no not dawson this guy's it wasn't like oh i met this dude in a mixer yeah at the delta

[Allison Rosen]

house it wasn't the guy from the

[Adam Carolla]

other dorm over this is townie dude coming over who's hanging out in your room fuck it you're supposed to call

[Allison Rosen]

camp sec when you see them right

[Adam Carolla]

so that was number one number two he just turned on his computer to show the chick he got exiled to a chicks he had to go wait in a chick's dorm while they're doing he got sexiled and he basically turned the computer on because he thought this guy may be a criminal and he could turn his computer on mathematic remotely and he turned it on and he wanted to see the dudes he wanted to show the dude to the chick he was staying with like in case there was trouble and he showed turned it on and they were making out and he immediately turned it off so there was no there was no filming of it it's off there's no filming of any sex act and there's no like parties or anything like that we completely fucking strung this guy up and as a society and here's all i'm saying don't tell me our media isn't leaning that way because how do you get people that far away from the truth if they don't want any part of the truth you have to have them leaning that way in the first place you're cooking up stuff and stuff that's become truth to us well what happened well this guy filmed his roommate having sex then he had viewing parties he spread it all over the internet he outed the guy and then the guy killed himself well he never outed the guy the guy was out to his parents he was out to him he told him i'm gay and he told his parents he was gay none of the part about him being severely depressed and by the way you can't get someone to kill themselves right they kill themselves because they're severely depressed you're missing a fucking message here which is why did this guy kill himself well if the reason the guy killed himself is because he has a homophobic roommate then there's no message sent to any other eighteen year olds who are thinking about killing themselves this is why we're so fucking stupid as a society and why the media does a horrible disservice to our side because we're so fucking hell bent on creating victims and we're so hell bent on creating an environment that's homophobic and racist and sexist and has this crazy agenda this guy this guy darun ravi let's see this guy this guy's the nicest plays on the ultimate frisbee team like the spindly icy middle stoner he he just show the first clip this guy and what follows

[Darun Ravi]

is a string of allegations one worse than the next the public is led to believe that ravi not only watched tyler having sex with his male lover but that he secretly recorded the act posted the video online and outed his roommate out of spite how is that

[Adam Carolla]

hitting you i was angry that people would make these statements without knowing what the details were i felt like i was being used by every everybody and

[Darun Ravi]

sure enough much of what was reported turned out to be wrong did you out tyler clemente no but then when

[Adam Carolla]

he brought a guy over and he walked him in and he does this in front of everyone he doesn't care he's okay with it did you record

[Darun Ravi]

him having sex no did you put anything online of him having sex no did you put people together and broadcast him having sex none of that happened but it was all said people believed it yeah and what did that make

[Adam Carolla]

you it made me the worst possible

[Darun Ravi]

person you are the face of the

[Adam Carolla]

bully yeah all right now is our society stupid or do they have an agenda are the news organizations that bad i mean when there were reports of atrocity out of iraq did they fuck it all up do you know what

[Allison Rosen]

i mean no i'm curious how this all got so far away from the truth did they have a they have

[Adam Carolla]

an agenda the news has an agenda their agenda is we're homophobic society that's the story there's no story here other than that you have a freshman who killed himself and freshmen are jumping off bell towers as we speak but do

[Allison Rosen]

you think that someone sat there and was like this is what the truth is i'm going to spin it a different way or do you think there was some ambiguity and what i think is there probably was some ambiguity in the facts and so then they spun

[Adam Carolla]

no you have to want something you have to want the duke lacrosse team to be rapists in order to create this case you have to want that if you go in with a woodward bernstein i don't know let's find out what happened here then you'll find out what happened if you just want to uncover details you'll uncover details you have to want this to be and then you start pushing it that direction and then and then it becomes a snowball and then everyone gets behind it and here's why we're fucking idiots we're idiots because a people start tuning out it's a homophobic whatever now the next one that comes across are you gonna believe it are you gonna have to think about it next time some real atrocity happens that really is homophobia because we're cooking everything you see this guy's an eighteen year old fucking spindly guy doesn't give a shit about anything number one number two you could use it as a teachable experience about suicide and suicide prevention but if it's just the homophobe's fault then what is there to learn we're a horrible society we're homophobic and that's what gets people to kill themselves not this guy was clinically depressed right and where their signs and where their signs fuck all that forget that news people let's focus on the monster that's homophobic who's all of one hundred twenty eight pounds and an a student all

[Allison Rosen]

right no i think you're exactly right you can't there's no one thing that precipitates suicide or else all of us would do it on bad days it's

[Adam Carolla]

an overall depression that goes untreated and basically unseen and it turns out his parents weren't excited now i know his parents are going to have to blame the roommate for suicide because they don't have a mirror at their house but the bottom line is his parents did not accept this very well and they were probably a part of it part of it's chemical part of it's societal there's a whole bunch of reasons and they are reasons that could have and would have been discussed except for it could not be discussed we only had to discuss homophobia that's running rampant in

[Brian Bishop]

this society you're right about the media having an agenda but you need to also recognize i think that this trend of especially online media pushing the whole thing towards we have to report this as fast as possible damn this damn the facts we're going to get this story out well you see it a lot more with like remember when you

[Adam Carolla]

shouldn't be in the media i remember

[Brian Bishop]

when they they tweeted about stephen jobs death before it happened and there was a there's a yahoo news gathering show

[Adam Carolla]

there's a difference but they were they there's a difference of jumping the gun and factor there's jumping the gun and there's erroneous information you know there's the thirteen school kids were killed it turns out there was only nine you know four went to the hospitality things that aren't true i'm talking about this you have to have an agenda this is that plus an agenda cuz it all steers one direction it never steers the other direction it all steers toward the homophobic direction so it is jumping the gun it is misinformation but it's that thing where you're at the liquor store and every time you go in you they shortchange you and you go i gave you a twenty and the guy goes oh i thought you only gave me a ten and you go no i gave you a twenty he goes all right somewhere around the fifth time it's always on their side you start to think well there seems to be a theme here it's not never giving you more change than you deserve always kind of on their side everyone grabbed it everyone hopped on it even months after it and they just kept riding that nobody wanted to know the truth

[Brian Bishop]

it became but no one bothered to know the truth all right well i agree with people that's the horrible thing is that they're news people that should take the time to research they're not

[Adam Carolla]

interested in it they're interested in the titillating story of homophobia and how homophobic we are as a society and why it caused this young man to kill himself that's the only and the webcam

[Allison Rosen]

i feel like that's part of it there's so many facets of it that make it a tv movie all right

[Adam Carolla]

what's the next one no no we have a few more clips no i didn't bully tyler did you bully him

[Darun Ravi]

do you think you misunderstood how fragile

[Adam Carolla]

he was i really don't think he was very fragile i think he just stop it there for a second this part drove me nuts do you think you misunderstood how fragile he was it's not your job as an eighteen year old doormate to gauge someone else's fragility that's their business they're fragile look if you're fucking fragile and i come up and slap me on the back and go how you doing bro ho and you dislocate your shoulder that's your problem that's not me being rough with you that's you having a spinal problem do you understand yes if i tap your car at a parking mar a parking lot and i just tap it going less than one miles an hour and you're paralyzed that's not my fault that's you you have a congenital problem with your neck or whatever it is your

[Brian Bishop]

invertebrates your problem bro yes eighteen year

[Adam Carolla]

old roommates aren't supposed to know how fragile people are that's up to them all he knew is he had a weird guy who was bringing a weird dude over all right sorry i think he just didn't like talking to people that's that's the only thing i got from him i don't think you know just because he's gay doesn't mean he's automatically fragile and can't deal with anything

[Darun Ravi]

how could he not be fragile and have jumped off the george washington bridge

[Adam Carolla]

that's good journalism right something had to

[Darun Ravi]

be very wrong and something was wrong robbie learned tyler complained about him so he sent his roommate a poignant and revealing text message you told him that you knew he was gay from the beginning you told him that it wasn't a problem for you and that this was a misunderstanding and that you had guilt yeah why did you want him to know these things when i sent

[Adam Carolla]

that all i knew was that he wanted a room change so i figured i need to tell him that he shouldn't feel pressured to do this like this is his only choice i want him to understand that i'm not there to make him feel intimidated or anything

[Darun Ravi]

however that text doesn't stop authorities from

[Adam Carolla]

bringing a case all right now we're wasting fucking taxpayers money we're putting this guy behind bars you know how much it costs to put on one of these fucking circuses and look it's not his fault that the media picked this up and ran with it and went the wrong fucking direction or that we're all such colossal pussies that we have to attribute everything to everything are we bullying you don't get someone to kill themselves and bullying that's why this guy look anything like a bully no he's

[Allison Rosen]

wearing a purple plaid shirt log cabin

[Adam Carolla]

yes yes there's nothing and to the guy's credit to ravi's credit they gave him a plea bargain like we'll just admit you hate gays and that's why you did this and then we'll get to move on we're so fucked up as a society we take the eighteen year old who really didn't do anything and we accused you of doing something and go okay i'll tell you what i'm in a good mood we won't lock you should be working on your fucking engineering degree by the way but i'll tell you what we won't lock you up for nine years with hardcore fucking felons if you just admit you hate gay people and that's why you did it it's like you cook this story up not him why should he have to fucking admit to something that they threw on his lap so all right now he won't admit it because he has a little something called fucking dignity and he could be locked up or deported or both when they actually put him in the prison and they picked the prison up and threw it back off that's kuala lumpur throwing out

[Allison Rosen]

the felon with the prison the point

[Adam Carolla]

is this guy's got a little fucking dignity and he's saying i'm not taking the plea deal because i didn't hate him and i don't hate gay people i'm not gonna fucking have this be on my record and i'm not gonna admit to it cuz it doesn't exist it drives me fucking nuts and the idea that we have a million news outlets and we could easily get to the bottom of all this stuff and he could easily find out the truth and quite easily most of the stuff just electronic these days not interested well we're homophobic it fits the agenda and we got this perfectly healthy kid who psychologically very very even keeled to jump off a bridge because he was gay couldn't be further from the truth but again any interest in the truth news people do we have any interest you all fucking owe this guy an apology this guy should have a fucking class action lawsuit against all you assholes and so should all the guys from duke lacrosse i mean everyone's been accused of being fucking racist and being rapist and being homophobic they got to walk around their whole life that way i mean you're you're as smart and as red and as caught up as anything i

[Allison Rosen]

know i had that that's what i

[Adam Carolla]

thought he's the guy who filmed this thing thing and outed him on the youtube that nothing none of that happened but that's what was told us what else are we supposed to believe i'm

[Brian Bishop]

pretty sure the duke players did sue the da's office good because it was nifong who brought trump the whole thing

[Adam Carolla]

up basically good and that asshole should be fucking run out of town on a donkey good and so should this da too i think we have the last clip clip five talking to jurors

[Darun Ravi]

about it tyler's suicide the elephant in the courtroom you weren't supposed to consider the fact that tyler clemente's dead right or that he took his own life

[Adam Carolla]

is that possible it did not factor in our decision at all in what

[Darun Ravi]

they call a very close case the decision the jury reached may have had as much to do with what they did not see and hear first so if darun rabi had a gay friend that he had an open relationship with you would have seen all of these other things that happened as not being

[Adam Carolla]

bullying i would have felt that tyler would never have the thoughts of being intimidated at all all right so they convicted him of like manslaughter or something and they said well the fact that the guy killed himself didn't factor in bull fucking shit i don't know if it probably wasn't manslaughter because you'd have to factor in the corpse at that point but the point is the guy's looking at ten years and his roommate's what ripping a bong load and balls deep in his buddy right now at some dorm room you're not you wouldn't that wouldn't be a different factor right

[Allison Rosen]

yeah you can't unknow something you know

[Adam Carolla]

so especially when somebody's dead and if you just get rid of the part where the guy killed himself you have one roommate fucking around with his other roommate a little bit mm a little

[Allison Rosen]

bit right and even that is he didn't actually film it it's so fucking

[Adam Carolla]

sad the society we're living in and what the fuck is going on with the news and by the way you guys call yourselves journalists you got nothing right and you fuck up left and right so please stop hitting it with your fucking agenda you report i've said this many times you report the news you don't make it you don't twist it you don't bend it you don't put fucking cool whip on it you just fucking report it and i know you have an agenda but this doesn't work with your agenda so you have to wait around for a story that does but you're not allowed to make one into a story that fits your fucking agenda you you ass wipes of course they have an agenda a notion that we try to think this society and the news people don't have a fucking agenda is insane when you know all the details of what happened with this actual story and so where do

[Allison Rosen]

things stand now with this well he's

[Adam Carolla]

appealing it cuz the fucking retard jurors convicted him and he's appealing it and he would not take the plea thing which basically we need him to stand like we're so starving for homophobic and we're we have such a thirst for homophobia and we have such a thirst for racism and sexism where we literally go just stand up and admit you hate gay people so we can beat off and go home and admit we are in a fucking horrible homophobic society and then we'll let you walk just lie just admit you hate gays just admit it and then we'll let you go home of course so fucking hungry for it it's so sad this is really it's the least homophobic least this country is easily the least homophobic and easily the least racist and sexist nation on the planet sorry sorry everyone who hates it sorry for everyone who won't see the truth yes is there homophobia yes is it racism yes is there xenophobia and sexism i can make an argument for that yes yes but nowhere near what you guys not think make it they're not thinking it they're making it you understand we think we're sixty percent of people walking around are racist and homophobic but we're not at sixty percent we're not even into double digits so what do we do we got to spin some news and we got to pad those numbers and it's fucking sad when it happens to guys like this because they are fucking more victims than the guy jumped off the bridge all right anyway just wanted to straighten that out with you people fun times good times all right my sides hurt should we take ourselves a little should we take a little break yes mm we got ben schwartz in here he's gonna come in the hell so she's

[Allison Rosen]

show house of lies ah house of

[Adam Carolla]

lies ooh the very aptly titled house of lies lies will do news what can happen complain about kansas city uptown theater this friday and lincoln nebraska rococo theater this saturday so check that out quick break right back after this yeah ben schwartz here from house of lies season finale good to see you ben sorry good to see you i was

[Ben Schwartz]

i was like is that where i say my name the big pause no

[Adam Carolla]

it was me showtime ten pm april first big season finale don cheadle one of one of the greatest actors we have i think and kristen bell super sweet yeah she's a really nice person you get to spend some time with

[Ben Schwartz]

her yeah yeah both of those guys the four of us play the main characters them and then this guy josh lawson and they're all in insanely nice

[Adam Carolla]

and insanely talented yeah cheadle's nice huh

[Ben Schwartz]

so funny also any stupid bit you start behind the scenes he'll continue anything you say he'll yes and and make a joke and it'll be great yes

[Adam Carolla]

and and not only that but yeah

[Ben Schwartz]

i know and then but and then

[Adam Carolla]

how wow yeah yeah yeah he's an improv i like that ben i was reading here that you started off doing freelance writing for monologue for letterman's monologues and then getting into snl yep as well the news on snl yeah i

[Ben Schwartz]

did freelance so i faxed in jokes i wasn't like a real writer i was never a staff writer i freelance so i had to buy a fax machine and buy a landline in order to do that and then you get paid so little when you get a joke on that it would just fund

[Adam Carolla]

that the landline and the shape literally that's it yeah well what did you average like on your best was my batting percentage well that's unfair because people don't realize that you would get cut from any minor league team in the country with that batting average absolutely because if you're getting one joke for twenty five that you submit you're doing pretty

[Ben Schwartz]

damn good that would be you're an all star that would be an all star yeah that's like mark mcguire numbers

[Adam Carolla]

that's right that's right you're juicing yes that's exactly correct your computer's on creatine

[Ben Schwartz]

at that point yeah it's just leaking out all of its usb ports your

[Adam Carolla]

keyboard yeah so the keyboard would be

[Ben Schwartz]

huge all of a sudden first season would be really tiny keyboard then it's like this massive three level keyboard address

[Adam Carolla]

a senate committee and then the falco guide come out and talk about it

[Ben Schwartz]

it starts crying its kids don't know

[Adam Carolla]

what's going on the space bar would shrivel up that's right terrible that's right somebody writes a tell all book canseco writes a tell all book about your

[Ben Schwartz]

keyboard but you can't read it on computers it's only paperback so the keyboard feels even worse it has nothing to

[Adam Carolla]

do with it see this is yes and at its finest i don't even know what we're talking about anymore we

[Ben Schwartz]

have a tight three hours of this right this interview is a tight three

[Adam Carolla]

i feel like after eighty five or ninety minutes we move into monitors oh that's smart yeah we transition into really

[Ben Schwartz]

good and then we see we get sponsors for the rest of us sort

[Adam Carolla]

of waste our time and we start talking about computers in general like what's up with the tower hey buddy you're up to my shin is that a tower that's great godzilla come on now it's perfect yeah it's good stuff oh

[Ben Schwartz]

we should save it for hours you

[Adam Carolla]

know what let's fax this shit into let's make some money let's up that

[Ben Schwartz]

average god so smart i feel like i've learned more in the first twenty seconds of the show we should quit

[Adam Carolla]

now man this is it you know

[Ben Schwartz]

when you climax this hard strong now

[Adam Carolla]

roll over and have a smoke don't go for number two you pull a

[Ben Schwartz]

cab don't you dare take your time rest up it's gonna take ten minutes

[Adam Carolla]

we're in refractory you guys carry the show we're cruising in refractory i want virtual adam to take over go ahead thank you ball brian that's why you i'm gonna lean back yeah this is virtual adam wait what does virtual adam do let the baby have his bottle i figured i figured out about five key phrases i could almost conduct an

[Ben Schwartz]

interview can i say can i say a sentence and you reply as virtual adam we'll see if it actually works

[Allison Rosen]

adam couldn't be more happy if you

[Ben Schwartz]

tickled his balls right now oh thanks for so much for having me on the show adam so what do you

[Adam Carolla]

want to talk about i don't know

[Ben Schwartz]

about that yeah no it doesn't make much sense i'm just i'm just saying like do you want to talk about the news or do you want to

[Adam Carolla]

say some jokes or that's why you get the big bucks thank you so

[Ben Schwartz]

much for having me on adam it was really nice to be here and is there anything you want to plug

[Adam Carolla]

what are you gonna do no i think you have to end with a statement when you go with the question that's where the problem is adam's just

[Ben Schwartz]

chiming in okay so like okay so like so geez i think jeremy lin is losing a little bit he's injured

[Adam Carolla]

now he's a big boy it works perfect

[Ben Schwartz]

but even with it i think the knicks still have a chance getting the playoffs i mean they're still pretty

[Adam Carolla]

good i don't know about that maybe

[Ben Schwartz]

i know because amari's injured also but if you give them some time i feel like by the end of the season they should get there what are

[Adam Carolla]

you gonna do you're right no you're

[Ben Schwartz]

right

[Adam Carolla]

try isaac hayes i think you can do the same thing with isaac

[Ben Schwartz]

hayes me and isaac hayes had a

[Adam Carolla]

two person show it's a good thing

[Ben Schwartz]

same type of thing end on a statement isaac the whole idea of you dropping out of south park kind of was weird do you still feel like that was the right decision sometimes it works well i ate eggs today and

[Adam Carolla]

it was delicious it's good so this

[Ben Schwartz]

is just your show all day i'm

[Adam Carolla]

not talking for the rest of the time sometimes yeah is this a new couch isaac yeah we're not doing any

[Ben Schwartz]

better it also means that your man is very good playing virtual oh yeah

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i know and he's gonna parlay this into millions more he doesn't need

[Ben Schwartz]

you anymore that's his own podcast so

[Adam Carolla]

and also can i ask a question

[Ben Schwartz]

this is so bad have you ever had virtual adam talk to virtual isaac so literally no one has to be

[Adam Carolla]

in this room o that's too fast

[Ben Schwartz]

typing okay understood understood to make it

[Brian Bishop]

sound there'd be lag time but if it gave me enough notice i could

[Adam Carolla]

the snl i will oftentimes just fast forward to the news and watch that really on snl did you go through

[Ben Schwartz]

the snl thing do you audition for a weekend update and stuff like that

[Adam Carolla]

or no no i've never never been invited there never i never had anything to do with it i feel like i interviewed and known a thousand people that have gone through those doors over the years and i loved norm macdonald doing the news but i like dennis doing the news and i liked all of them i realized when you start when you're on your fifth newscaster that you really like you realize you just kind of like the format of them taking what went on during the week and telling the jokes i agree that guy sounds hot and i also think that we should be able to watch it's really kind of cool because they have to be completely topical and have to really sort of capture the big stuff of what went on that week and i'd love to see one from nylon i'd love to see one from eighty seven because i bet they'd bring up a bunch of shit about stuff that you just remember from your ollie north and teddy ruxtable or whatever

[Brian Bishop]

teddy

[Ben Schwartz]

ruxtable is also that's like the huxtables

[Adam Carolla]

meet teddy ruxton bad sweater animatronic little teddy bears but all the shit like you if you just saw one from nineteen eighty eight you'd just be going oh yeah oh yeah just remembering your

[Ben Schwartz]

past automatically they said back then they used to have someone under the desk writing jokes and handing it to them like live while it's happening while someone's thinking of a joke they would throw it to him supposedly that used to

[Adam Carolla]

happen that's what happened with ben get under the desk oh for the jokes

[Ben Schwartz]

no man it's so weird like the only way you can tell me a joke is you have to talk through my penis microphone literally they're like it's not on yet they like get it

[Adam Carolla]

warmed up right and then you get the baby and if i really like one that jokes i'll let you know

[Ben Schwartz]

yeah by the way they always let me know yeah every single time they let me know on the other i never got one on you never got one on no who were you writing them for i wrote for i got i got two or three on weekend update i wrote for it was i think it was fallon and tina fey

[Adam Carolla]

no it was amy polari amy and

[Ben Schwartz]

tina fey and tina fey was having a baby so horatio stepped in and i'd been freelancing for a bit and horatio said mine were always a little bit racy and horatio said to my racier things and they went over the last they got were so fun because the audience go like one of those right one of the man it happened so long ago i wish one of them was there's a oh one there's a new the mint is releasing a new coin showing thomas jefferson with a hint of a smile a smile that says hey you see that slave over there yeah i tap that ass right like it'll be jokes like that and then like the audience didn't know how to react so i got two on the same trip in that isaac loves

[Adam Carolla]

that joke i always like and i don't know why but when the audience audience doesn't know how to react it's funny because one of the only people that tells them how to react is bill maher like bill maher's like bill maher will just have his audience is just a bunch of people and you just get up there and you go call me old fashioned but i think every child no matter the color your skin or your heritage has a right to a good education and it's like you just throw all those just sort

[Ben Schwartz]

of he has applause meters he has

[Adam Carolla]

huge they must have something but all you do is throw out some of those sometimes the best man for a job is a woman and you can just you just go and loaded with about five of those and sit back and enjoy it but every once in a while once in a while bill maher will say this guy it's usually when you do some hitler reference or something that confuses people and the audience would be like huh what and he'll turn and yell at them i'm not saying that's me i'm saying that's him you idiot oh now we got to laugh now i get it now but he's the only guy i know i actually yell at the audience i like

[Ben Schwartz]

that you're not anti semitic you're talking about someone who is anti semitic i totally get it now i totally get

[Adam Carolla]

it there's a little math that's hard for audiences to do which is if you get two or three references away they'll just stop on the last one and get fucked up but just halt yes so i'm sorry where were you

[Ben Schwartz]

i feel like so i got my batting percentage was i got maybe fifteen sixteen jokes on letterman and it was right when i was twenty one right when i got out of college yeah but for me that was the i was a page there i didn't have any my whole family's like social workers and bronx school teachers and stuff like that so nobody's in entertainment so it was huge that was a page i even let people in the audience that to me was amazing and i got to watch him say my jokes because i was there so crazy to watch

[Adam Carolla]

that would you know from rehearsal in

[Ben Schwartz]

advance no he doesn't he wouldn't rehearse you wouldn't know you know he must

[Adam Carolla]

do you'd just be kind of waiting

[Ben Schwartz]

for your job it's funny i never talk about this the the he kept doing jokes you don't know how long his mileage is gonna be and then you can't see my hand this doesn't work in a podcast but he would point to schaeffer paul schaefer and the second he points it means the monologue is over and every time points if you hear really like in the background you hear me going fuck that i didn't get any jokes on i'm just like come on you fucking asshole but then when i get one on it was like i remember at the beginning everybody writes so many familiar jokes that are so similar that it could not be sometimes it's not your joke because if paris hilton run you know i remember paris hilton got rear ended he's like everybody's gonna write sixty rear ended paris hilton jokes so you like learn i try to write more obscure ones while still writing in his voice i

[Adam Carolla]

just came with a great idea for a late night talk show host where show where i host so far it sounds amazing i have no writers so

[Ben Schwartz]

far we're down we're down a notch we started high we're down lower it's

[Adam Carolla]

called it's called america makes a joke and you guys america okay they all america has to send in all their jokes for the monologue the entire country yes sir every day now the monologue sucks but every single person in the country is watching to see if they got a joke on see if they got a fucking joke on that's a great idea that's the greatest ruse in the world you watch you may we'll send you a chili's gift certificate up to dollar fifty if we use one of your jokes and there's a good chance you may see one of your jokes on national television i'm gonna stay

[Ben Schwartz]

up all night writing one hundred percent

[Adam Carolla]

all you need is like five million joke writers yep and they'd all sit up every night and then i have to watch every second of the monologue and then i'd go oh and there's a bonus joke we sneak in at the end after the band plays after the band just after i say thank you and good night there's this quick bonus joke i'll say and that's it

[Ben Schwartz]

all the commercials you put all the commercials and then the special joke that's worth like the billion dollar lottery my

[Adam Carolla]

entire audience is super disappointed joke writers but i have huge numbers and you

[Ben Schwartz]

only accept the real racist jokes for no reason your show becomes just a

[Adam Carolla]

terrible show that's right really smart right but they can never count they can never cancel us because the members are so amazing it's amazing everyone's staying your

[Ben Schwartz]

eighteen to forty nine demo is huge give me a break give me a

[Adam Carolla]

break a great show all right allison rosen you want to queue up some news baby girl maybe we'll jump in on some of that can we all

[Ben Schwartz]

call her baby girl just here go ahead all right well we'll see if it feels natural

[Adam Carolla]

she'll read some news from her ipad sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad it's allison allison and when it's time to wrap it up she'll

[Ben Schwartz]

sign it off with zip it cunt

[Adam Carolla]

it's allison allison

[Allison Rosen]

jackpot in friday's mega millions lottery drawing has risen to half a billion dollars that's more than twelve hundreds adam wow it's the largest in the game's history after tuesday night's drawing produced no winning ticket and initially they'd estimated that it was four hundred seventy six million but then a couple hours later they said no it's is five

[Adam Carolla]

hundred million i think lynch or gary or someone was telling me there was a line of retards waiting outside the gas station to buy these fucking tickets and also i want all these people rounded up i mean for two reasons one is the thirty six million not enough to get you out of your one bedroom apartment in your slippers number one so a stupid b i know all these people are deadbeat dads and i know that fucking money i know there's hammered welfare checks that are being used to buy that fucking money i want all these fucking people rounded up

[Brian Bishop]

so no office pool for us no

[Adam Carolla]

and i've said this a million times

[Allison Rosen]

a lot of people are doing that

[Adam Carolla]

worst message a government can send its people is the lottery you think about it if you were a guidance counselor at a high school and you instructed one of your kids start playing the lottery you'd be fired immediately people would be outraged like that is the worst everything that this country is is work hard educate yourself bust your butt even playing field all this roll up your sleeves and get to work and all this is is the exact opposite of that the message from the lottery is sit back and hope something good happens

[Allison Rosen]

come on you have a one in one hundred seventy six million chance of winning those are good odds god will

[Adam Carolla]

not smile on you you'll have no chance it is the opposite of everything that we preach at our schools and in this country it is the opposite the opposite of this country right it's the cheap way of it antithesis of it and it should be fucking illegal and the idea that the money goes to the school system is like selling crack cocaine and giving it to giving the extra money to pregnant moms that

[Allison Rosen]

would sell better than those chocolate bars that you were talking about yesterday no

[Adam Carolla]

i'm saying door to door i'm saying we should do that yeah oh this

[Ben Schwartz]

is a this is an idea this

[Adam Carolla]

is a plan i was in a joke i'm so sorry no i mean it no this gentleman fucking horrible it should be legal it's retarded gambling it's gambling for addicted people that really can't make it out to laughlin and can't make it to one of the bicycle casinos yeah they can't make the prim or oh where the fuck's that town oh baker the scariest thing is that

[Ben Schwartz]

you said that nobody won last time so essentially everybody could buy tickets and again nobody could win look i hope

[Adam Carolla]

no one ever wins and eventually we all just fucking cave in on ourselves and the idea that oh the money's going to the school system how's la and california schools ranked nationally how have we done since we got all the fucking mega millions dollars so is it helping the school system i don't know i think the school systems did better i'll bet the standardized testing was a lot better before the lottery kicked in number one so it ain't helping anybody beats the worst fucking message you can send to a human being who lives in your society you should hope you show me a society where everyone plays a lottery i'll show you a horrible

[Ben Schwartz]

society is there an age limit on the lottery do you have to be eighteen or does it even matter probably

[Adam Carolla]

need to be eighteen yeah here's every

[Allison Rosen]

news report on this story that's on tv right now throwing to you cheryl hey don cheryl if you won the lottery would you still come to work

[Adam Carolla]

tomorrow i would only for you don

[Ben Schwartz]

by the way don and cheryl are fucking we can get that out of the way right don and cheryl are straight up fucking the way they're talking

[Adam Carolla]

to each other like that yeah but

[Ben Schwartz]

the best thing is the way you said in the beginning at thirty five million not a lot of people are lining up but now that it's five hundred million right it's an insane amount of money regardless of what it is sure that it's like oh five hundred but i couldn't do what i really wanted to do with thirty million but now with five hundred million i could

[Adam Carolla]

really get that bless you your guys had like a moped that was impounded six months ago and doesn't have one hundred thirty three bucks to get it out you don't think that thirty five million is enough to get you off the fucking worn sofa and you know they always do that thing where they go would you quit your job and my answer is i would not quit my job because that implies i'd have to pick up the phone and call somebody i'd just not show up they also talked there'd be no official quitting of anything i would not be there

[Ben Schwartz]

they said when people who win the lottery they always get hit up and they're more likely to get killed and commit suicide there's huge things that people cause all their friends hit them off for all their money and it becomes they can't go out at night then people try to rob them there's a huge documentary about it anytime the biggest

[Allison Rosen]

the sample size though that they're able to do to get these statistics on

[Ben Schwartz]

oh i mean at least don and cheryl that's two yeah they're all over

[Adam Carolla]

the state and all over the states because every state has their own lottery and the shit's been going on for thirty years now in a lot of these states and you'd be surprised and not everything is five hundred million bucks sometimes it's just two million bucks and what happens is you get the super poor guy who gets two point three million dollars well the first rook is the part where they go would you

[Allison Rosen]

like half of it yes if okay if you win the five hundred million you can either get it as an annuity over twenty six years or you can get it in a one time lump sum payment which would only be three hundred fifty nine million and then

[Ben Schwartz]

you pay taxes on that three hundred fifty nine million right which would make it what a hundred at least eighty

[Adam Carolla]

million you're down to two hundred million easily how can you live on that

[Ben Schwartz]

you got to wait till it gets bumped that's like eight hundred million to start playing the lottery that's what adam's saying right now wait till

[Adam Carolla]

the stories are always horrible because the person thinks two point two million dollars is enough for them to lead the rest of their life so they start buying like houses and boats and putting their high school jersey number on cadillacs and things like that yes i'm talking about the jews all right i've said it the point is this and their friends want to borrow money and the next thing you know their old lady seeing their best friend and then there's an insurance thing and then the guy's dead he's got to kill himself i've seen those documentaries it never comes out good good it does not come out good whether you're a child of a rich guy who invented his own software company and it was a self starter and then just dumped you a bunch of money on your eighteenth birthday or you win a lottery when you get money dumped in your lap for no good reason when you don't earn it and whether it's a ton of money or even a little money whether it's the stipend from the state or it's the mega bucks it never works out why because you did not earn it and by not earning it you don't have the tools that you would need to deal with it the guy who started his own corporation made five hundred million dollars has twenty years of experience behind him and knows exactly what to do with that money when it just gets dumped in your lap and you're used to making eleven bucks an hour you fucking

[Ben Schwartz]

go nuts i think you're more afraid of losing it also if you work for it you're way more afraid of losing that money as opposed to when

[Adam Carolla]

you just get it sure you respect it more because you realize you didn't just go down to the liquor store buy forty and a lotto tickets you actually fuckin i'm not talking about the ghost you know read between the lines i'm saying this it should be illegal gambling is illegal can't bet on football games can't bet on sports here you can't play twenty one we've decided that there's a moral issue with gambling in this state this is a retarded form of gambling that is aimed at undereducated people and it's a fucking horrible message to send especially to the kids who go to school which it claims to benefit except for if you look at the test scores it does not get rid of this fucking scourge known as

[Allison Rosen]

the lottery you have more chance of dying in a fireworks accident than winning

[Ben Schwartz]

the lottery you said one in one hundred seventy five million one hundred seventy six million so essentially if one hundred seventy six million people bought one ticket

[Adam Carolla]

they would win that's right that would

[Ben Schwartz]

be so smart they would win five hundred seventy six million dollars yeah literally that's how to win but there's no way that's correct but that's the way and get everything i'm getting on it

[Adam Carolla]

that's what it is all right i've

[Allison Rosen]

said my piece so guess what adam here's something is this a segment called

[Ben Schwartz]

guess what adam yeah pretty much i love this this is my favorite segment

[Allison Rosen]

guess what adam yeah go i'm looking

[Adam Carolla]

up at line one and dusty from seattle and i love me a dusty especially a twenty year old dusty did what i said to do which was refused to do the mandatory sexual harassment seminar that the employees all have to

[Allison Rosen]

do now that's a good guess but actually what i wanted to tell you was turns out you were right about something meat eating animals lose their sweet tooth over time evolution humans eating you say humans eating no okay see we had this whole debate on the podcast about whether dogs will eat pie because adam said that his dog wouldn't but brian and i felt that no dogs will eat water balloons and they'll also eat pie and dogs are not mentioned in this story however however european and us scientists there's findings that say that animals that are carnivorous so meat eating animals appear to lose their ability to taste sweet flavors over time most mammals are believed to possess the ability to taste sweet savory bitter salty and sour however they discovered that in domestic and wild cats there's a gene defect that makes it so that they can't taste sweet things and then the same team examined twelve different mammals who who subsist mainly on meat and fish and focused on a couple of the sweet taste receptor genes and found this mutation that makes it so they can't taste sweet

[Adam Carolla]

stuff i was schooled on this by everyone on twitter who said their dog would break into a sack of muffins and tear everything apart i will concede that everyone has a horrible dog that eats anything and tears into everything i think it's in a weird way i think it's more more a discipline thing than a taste thing yeah my dog is a like my dog is like lord rothschild like well not you know needs to canned food and needs it to be busted up in just a certain way i need to watch you busted up watch you bust it up and i'm like give her kibble like oh she won't eat that kibble so her thing is all about protein it has to be bacon it has to be skin it has to come from an animal and it has to it can be cottage cheese it just needs cheese dairy protein even a nut my dog will eat nuts because there's protein

[Allison Rosen]

did she do in south beach eat

[Adam Carolla]

peanut butter and all that kind of stuff yeah right but there's no way she'll eat a piece of fruit unless it's got some meat fat or something proteiny on it and she won't eat a piece of bread because it's all gotta be sort of passed through her protein thing but i've been told by everyone now that they all have a dog that will gladly tear into anything that's edible and and devour it but i don't know how much of that is they crave bran in their system or they just are just fucking wild animals that just are hungry the thing

[Ben Schwartz]

is when you train them i remember my i had a dog growing up and we would anything that was on the kitchen table we would just feed him so he just got used to eating anything we throw at his face and then anytime then then it became don't leave it out on the kitchen table because he will eat anything because we just trained him that when we're sitting at this table food exists but

[Adam Carolla]

you would like if you're sitting at a table and you're eating a steak and you drop a scrap piece of fat or gristle or whatever the dog will definitely mow that down but if you're eating a piece of broccoli and it doesn't have any of the steak fat on it it's just like braca flour and you put it down to the dog the dog just kind of sniffs it at least that's what my dog does but it's like no thanks

[Ben Schwartz]

put it in the mouth and slowly spit it out like how dare you like slowly spit it out and look

[Adam Carolla]

at you oh one of the greatest things i ever did man was i'd go to that zancoo chicken and they'd give you the chicken and the beef and the shawarma and all that good stuff you'd be eating that stuff up but they also give you that weird pickled horseradishy weird radish thing and it was red and radishy and for some reason it tastes horrible but there's things that taste horrible but if you take one bite of them at the right time in between bites of things that taste good they get better i think it's that thing where you like like if you come and choke yourself out at the same time it's better but if you just choke yourself out like when you're driving it's not nearly as

[Allison Rosen]

much fun auto erotic asphyxiation no just

[Adam Carolla]

asphyxiation yeah if you're just laying in a hospital bed and someone puts a pillow over your head not fun not that great doesn't enhance anything someone's doing that oh my god my god yeah yeah so if they take the belt of their gi and pull it just tight enough when you're coming that's good so this weird radish thing is one of those things where if you take a bite of it in between the chicken and the lamb or whatever but i was eating my buddy alex's house when i was house sitting i'm in his fucking little dog barney never sidetail like come on give me give me give me give me and i'd give it some skin cause i didn't want to eat the skin you know give it a little piece of gristle but it kept bugging me and eventually i gave it that horseradish thing and the thing just did the and i go here you go here you go barney and it went and then they and it just falls out i like when the dogs they don't have an ejection

[Ben Schwartz]

system right they're not james grabbing bundles out yeah it'd be like if james

[Adam Carolla]

bond opened the door and pushed a guy out versus hitting the switch you know like they just go and it just falls out it's a good thing dogs can't spit i feel like there'd be a lot of dogs like get out of here with that a lot

[Ben Schwartz]

of attitude a lot of attitude stuff

[Adam Carolla]

like that so it just opened its mouth and let the thing fall out and gave me the what the i can't believe that came from the styrofoam container you've been eating all the other delightful things out of but i found that dogs don't like stuff other than that but everyone has told me everyone their dogs dig into everything so maybe we're all ice cubes well sea lions

[Allison Rosen]

fur seals pacific harbor seals asian small clawed otters spotted hyenas and bottlenose dolphins

[Adam Carolla]

all delicious huh is that what you're

[Allison Rosen]

telling us they can't taste sweet stuff

[Ben Schwartz]

good however you don't want them to

[Adam Carolla]

experience pleasure their dentists are pissed i'm a dentist who do you work on just the bottlenose dolphins and the otters just the fucking dolphins it's always the same same x ray every time but

[Allison Rosen]

raccoons the canadian otter the spectacled bear and red wolf who are animals that are exposed to sweet flavors are able

[Ben Schwartz]

to those are classy animals you're talking about classy animals right ones that go

[Allison Rosen]

through your trash and plug your ho

[Adam Carolla]

hos and things yeah yeah should we talk to dusty real quick dusty hey hayes how's it going good dusty from seattle what's happening oh i'm just on

[Dusty from Seattle]

my lunch break calling the ace man

[Adam Carolla]

so i i basically proposed that everybody within the sound of my voice next time they do one of these retarded mandatory sexual harassment meetings we should not go and they couldn't fire everybody they do we have a society where they go you don't go to this meeting you'll be fired absolutely tell that to the four hundred people who work in this building who will not be there you're going to fire everybody in this fucking building and then do what monday and by the way you're going to have wrongful termination suits if you bunch of people for not going to a sexual harassment meeting unless you can prove there's a history of sexual harassment if you have no history if you have a long history of employment and no history of sexual harassment i don't think you can fire somebody for that i think you could take it to the supreme court in that case you could

[Ben Schwartz]

say that those meetings are putting the thoughts in their heads that this is how i can sexually harass oh i could do this is something that i could do right i can touch breasts

[Adam Carolla]

yeah yeah yeah so dusty you you refused and i'm also sure that in this world where you can get a kosher meal in prison if you have to that you could just say whatever religion you were said you can't go in and talk have a woman speak to you about such man matters and you could definitely get out on a religious past okay did with vietnam yeah

[Ben Schwartz]

man they're making a movie about that

[Brian Bishop]

interjection real quick this is this has answered all your problems you need to found a religion and like like like a religion that all his tenets are my religion does not allow me to go to these meetings my religion does not allow me to eat passion fruit iced tea it's called knock out all

[Adam Carolla]

these things it's called the i'm smart i'm only planning on living to my mid seventies so why are you fucking wasting my life but i'm gonna have to shorten it up and call it something call it something yes that's right reverend that's right adanetics adenex is probably smart dusty yeah so you where what what kind of place do you work

[Dusty from Seattle]

at well i work in a plumbing supply company and there's a warehouse side and there's kind of like a sales side and i started the job in like november and then a part of my training i had to watch like an hour you know sexual harassment video and i was like okay that's fine you know one of those horrible nineties

[Adam Carolla]

you know movies the best by the

[Dusty from Seattle]

way groping somebody at work which never really happens i mean sure but i watched it for part of my trainings i just started the job you know i didn't want to make any waves and then in december so you know a month later somebody on the sales side said like an obscene joke or something that got somebody riled up so they called like a mandatory meeting for everybody to watch this video that me and like for their new hires just watched like last month right and i talked to them i'm like we just watch this we don't have to go there's no reason we've already it's fresh in our minds there's there's no reason we should go this everyone's just scared and everyone was like yeah i'm down i mean we just watched that stupid thing and my boss gets all freaked out thing hr is going to be all up on our ass if we you know if we yeah if we don't do this did you do it i called up hr and i was like up in corporate and i'm like listen we just watched this video a month ago it's going to be a waste of our time and she's like yeah it's fine you guys you guys watch it you know you know it was all about you just had a test on it and i'm like see there you go and my boss my boss he was filling out his mega millions lottery ticket today was thanks dustin

[Adam Carolla]

look the point is anybody can say they were sexually harassed so why bother having a fucking meeting about it and you'll know when you're sexually harassing somebody and the scale is so broad because everyone has done stuff and seen stuff and had stuff happen at work that would completely cross the line from any meeting and and there's no real scale for sexual harassment like there's no yardstick to measure it we've all done a kajillion things that would fall under the heading of sexual harassment as described by these women with the huge amber beads

[Brian Bishop]

it's like when someone says i feel threatened or i felt threatened there's no

[Adam Carolla]

way to prove it it's a fucking huge waste of time and it's one more it's basically one more way our society is becoming less productive and worrying more about fucking bullying and harassment and everything else that we really can't fucking control you'll know it when you see it now let's get to work and it's the only thing like you have to get a dui in order to go to alcohol treatment counseling this is the only thing where you do this retarded preemptive strike like you go to it before there's any history of it and i also argue that if you have five of these under your belt you don't need to go to another one want you should right what new

[Allison Rosen]

developments are there in sexual harassment yeah

[Adam Carolla]

there should it should be like a

[Ben Schwartz]

tetanus shot i will tell dusty to lay off the phrase it's still fresh in my mind when you're talking about sexual harassment videos that doesn't that doesn't bode well when you're telling your about like oh i still remember the last one yeah my question is do you think this is an honest question although it may sound like a joke do you think that there is sexual harassment training for strippers or escorts before they do it or when you work in a strip club and would the rules

[Adam Carolla]

be totally different you mean like it's a corporate world if it's a big corporate like spearmint rhino like exactly are

[Ben Schwartz]

the rules totally are they sexual or harassment exist in that world mm well

[Adam Carolla]

it's probably like a weird opposite sexual harassment i love this idea like somebody what if somebody offers you dollar twenty to suck their cock right well obviously you you look at that as an attack that dollar fifty would be much more appropriate right right right right and

[Allison Rosen]

like i was talk all he did was look at my eyes yeah right

[Adam Carolla]

it was terrible yeah and you know there's all sorts of etiquette about tipping the dj a percentage of the door yeah yeah yeah let's say you've been having a bad day and he throws on cherry pie and you kick you kick your your groove into the next level and thus some twenty start making it rain on stage if you don't tip that guy out then we got

[Ben Schwartz]

something to do with it absolutely with

[Adam Carolla]

human resources that's the equivalent of sexual

[Ben Schwartz]

harassment that's right club that's right right

[Adam Carolla]

hey everybody we got a mandatory meeting coming up i spell meeting m e a t j stage four stage four james always a little business for them

[Ben Schwartz]

to take care of that's amazing all

[Adam Carolla]

right where were we she makes the announcement during the show while she's on

[Ben Schwartz]

stage candy's up on stage but before she gets off remember to feel her

[Adam Carolla]

tits or we all get in trouble

[Ben Schwartz]

that's candy c a n d i e y e anyway i'm living in my parents basement you can see me i can do this for a long time let's not do here new york

[Allison Rosen]

city has recently created a list of words that will be banned from new york state tests and it includes such words as birthday and dinosaur why because dinosaur may offend those who don't believe in evolution oh my god halloween may be some people think that it is a pagan holiday and then birthday birthdays aren't celebrated by jehovah's witnesses and yet

[Ben Schwartz]

one of the questions is literally on that test one of the questions is what's your favorite dinosaur halloween birthday party how are you supposed to how do

[Allison Rosen]

you answer that question anymore that's crazy to me isn't that crazy other bands

[Ben Schwartz]

that's in high school you said this

[Allison Rosen]

is for no it's for all the testing yeah it's for all the standardized testing this list went out to the different companies who are trying to get the contracts to write the tests now

[Adam Carolla]

i know this is one of those that sounds insane and we're gonna pick it up and run with it but do we really think dinosaurs not gonna be loud in testing like i don't by the way i don't know how much it's gotta be in textbooks right i mean yeah well i feel like

[Allison Rosen]

there's a push against ever teaching evolution but i don't think the past yet

[Ben Schwartz]

that was one of the most important parts i remember growing up as a kid people loved dinosaurs and to go to the natural history museum in new

[Adam Carolla]

york you had a song about stegosaurus

[Allison Rosen]

did anyone else have songs about dinosaurs

[Ben Schwartz]

no you went to a weird school no that's freaky baby doll yeah nailed it we got one baby doll out

[Adam Carolla]

there no my son says that's why you get the big buck is he loves dinosaurs he's going to be a dinosaur scientist like be ready for the pussy avalanche yeah for the pussy avalanche yeah put that fucking neck brace on now son because it's coming it's gonna be a dinosaur scientist although i think the paleontologist i think well that's yeah

[Ben Schwartz]

i think his son have this the

[Adam Carolla]

percentage of boys that before the age of ten say they're gonna be a race car driver or dinosaur scientist or let's say i'll get a race car driver or professional athlete or firefighter firefighter

[Ben Schwartz]

basketball that was my dream we give

[Adam Carolla]

professional athlete firefighter dinosaur there's like five things that guys all say they're going to do before the age of ten and then for chicks it's always veterinarian it's always they're going to work with animals i'm going to fix horses and then at a certain point they hit thirteen and they go what that fucking biology book is so thick fuck that and they start getting and then you really get a you realize what percent every single playmate if you read what they were going to be in you know junior highs veterinarian it's like it's always was never going to i was going to take my clothes off and mince about in front of a camera and fuck james caan in the grotto like that's never on their list it's always veterinary so i think this work with dinosaurs you can't help it because every third book because all kids books are just fucking total cop outs like they're all derivative and they're all just like hey what do you want to do let's write a kid's book let's see what shall the topic be should we get into nafta no how about dinosaurs okay let's do it dinosaurs because kids it's trains and dinosaurs right i'm gonna fucking write a book called dinosaur train i'm gonna say oh mister dinosaur drove a train and every kid it's fucking heroin that's heaven to five year old boys like they can't stop with the trains and they can't stop at the dinosaurs so every third book is oh he's a little trained he wasn't as powerful but he's strong he's got a strong will and the dinosaur is mister dinosaur so every kid thus wants to either do something i want to be a train conductor and i want to work with dinosaurs and no one ends up doing it because it's the shit we feed them nonstop i remember

[Ben Schwartz]

when my friend in elementary school high school realized he's like i'm going to play not only did he play three nba he's like i'm going to play for the seattle supersonics that's where i'm going to play and i remember the week where he realized that he's not good enough to get into college basketball let alone be in the nba i remember looking at him being like oh that's his watching his dream just like crush in front of his face but he held on to that till high school he was like oh no i'm gonna play on the sonics in high school in high school when he was playing high school i was like i'm gonna play in the sonics and then i was like you're not there's no way you're gonna play in college what are you talking about yeah i like

[Adam Carolla]

when the guys actually pick the team that's going to draft them yes they're

[Ben Schwartz]

like nah man i'm not gonna play for the nets there's no way i'll play for the nets i'll play for the sonics if that happens you know what i mean like no way will i play for the nets net all

[Adam Carolla]

right sorry keep going well so these

[Allison Rosen]

are the words that they're saying can't be used in the new york state tests like the standardized test that's great

[Adam Carolla]

they can't use them everybody suggesting that or trying to get them off or is it a mandate because i would

[Allison Rosen]

be very surprised topics were recently spelled out in a request for proposals provided to companies competing to revamp new york city's english math science and social studies

[Adam Carolla]

studies tests that is insane with the dinosaur and the jehovah's who gives a

[Allison Rosen]

have you had do you know jehovah's witnesses yeah yeah they don't celebrate christmas either they celebrate jesus's death day but they're not going to celebrate the birthday

[Adam Carolla]

and they also celebrate their parents anniversary that's a big is that true yeah jehovah's witnesses that would have been good with me because i would have had to knock that off about age seven free to do whatever i wanted that's a little something called divorce i worked with a jehovah's witness named andy who i used to paint commercial offices with and he named his kid he had about seven kids he named him after the apostles and it was just like when you paint the only thing you can do is talk because you're in a room that is a small room like we'd paint the twin towers in century city and we paint lawyers offices and you'd both go in there and one guy'd be cutting in with the brush and the other guy have the roller out and that's about all you could do is just fucking stand there and talk because you're four feet away from each other and that was about it and there's no earbuds back then so it was just all just like i'm bored off my ass and i'll talk to anybody who's in this room and you know tom hanks had a better time at that volleyball on the fucking beach than i had with andy honestly with wilson and it would just be like you know jehovah and then eventually it turns into we're having a big rally at dodger stadium this weekend if you're not doing anything like that's what i need to do is go to fucking dodger stadium with a bunch of jehovah's and talk about apostles and painting like i didn't but and we couldn't listen to any music because it had to be christian rock would he

[Ben Schwartz]

always lead the conversation towards jehovah witness

[Adam Carolla]

stuff yeah that no matter what well you have to understand and these guys they don't have velvety tongues like they're not super funny fast talking cool dudes they got into this religion because they weren't great thinkers so their mind was sort of soft enough to suck them down this road and then once they got into it their brain is like a very small sponge that just got filled with jehovah talk so when you squeeze it all that ever comes out is jehovah and a little a lot of that yeah and a weird mildewy

[Ben Schwartz]

smell yeah yeah yeah yeah what is

[Allison Rosen]

with sponges smelling disgusting all the time

[Adam Carolla]

don't know don't know sorry where were

[Allison Rosen]

we director james cameron plunged to the deepest known point in the ocean in a one man submersible and as i believe it was fondelier said or no maybe it was matt danielle mariana's trench yeah he said that man's gonna die it was a history making solo venture to challenger jo deep part of the mariana trench in the western pacific ocean and this point that he went down to is about thirty five thousand eight hundred feet deep which means that it is deeper than mount everest is tall yeah it's had only two previous human visitors us navy lieutenant don walsh and

[Adam Carolla]

davy jones in his locker and megatron

[Allison Rosen]

and megatron well and the fourth was swiss explorer jacques picard by the way

[Adam Carolla]

i just feel like we could answer everything with oh you know who did that before you swiss explorers jacques everyone go oh wow i didn't know that yeah i didn't know that were you a virgin before me no sorry swiss explorer jacques picard high school you'd never go like what that's bullshit who's that guy like i don't care if you were breaking the sound barrier i don't care if you scaled you know mount olympus in your underpants i don't care what it was it was swiss explorers jacques picard did that you know whose

[Ben Schwartz]

dog eats broccolini swiss explorer he looks just like steve zuzu bill murray bill murray's character in that wes anderson movie that's what james cameron looks like exactly

[Adam Carolla]

in this photo all you would need is a date to put after that oh he did that in ninety four swiss explorer jacques picard did that in ninety seven and you just you just be humbled you just go sorry if

[Brian Bishop]

they start to protest you always finish off oh i made a documentary about

[Ben Schwartz]

it yeah i'll watch it i'll check it out netflix instant i'll check it

[Adam Carolla]

out so he went down to a depth of thirty five thousand feet yeah

[Allison Rosen]

thirty five thousand eight hundred feet he's the first to make the trek alone and the vessel he went down in is called the deep sea challenger it's the result of eight years of development and construction and cameron described the bottom of the sea as a very soft almost gelatinous flat plain it was almost featureless and it went as far as he could see he said it's a completely alien world down there he didn't see large life forms that i think he was hoping he would see that's

[Ben Schwartz]

got to be a bummer man yeah making it all the way down there and all you see is gelatin stuff below you right that is a strikeout

[Allison Rosen]

we'd all love to think this is him talking we'd all love to think there are giant squid and sea monsters down there we can't rule it out but my bet is there aren't what you're going to find is these very very interesting animals the likes of which we've never seen before that have adapted to this extreme environment or maybe they

[Ben Schwartz]

all escaped because you're in a neon green thing submerging for the first time

[Adam Carolla]

ever i was poking out of it

[Ben Schwartz]

yeah he's playing titanic in there you know he's playing titanic in there i

[Adam Carolla]

wish my mom was james cameron's mom because here's how that conversation would be mom i just went to the bottom of the marianas trench how deep was that son thirty five thousand eight hundred feet is that deep so not thirty six thousand no thirty five thousand eight hundred oh but not thirty six thirty five thousand eight hundred is pretty deep when you get to thirty six thousand

[Allison Rosen]

we should talk i know someone who said that he was went to thirty

[Ben Schwartz]

six bobby from down the road went three six swiss explorer man he's drinking tea down there i thought we were

[Allison Rosen]

gonna have the drop i was very thrown by that how would i know

[Adam Carolla]

that thank you all right so that's cool you got a love camera he

[Allison Rosen]

must record like yes he did for

[Ben Schwartz]

a movie or something no i think

[Allison Rosen]

he just wanted to see what was down it's for science he wanted to see what was down there but something

[Ben Schwartz]

science is my favorite sentence something didn't

[Allison Rosen]

work though like the arm thing didn't work and he was gonna bring samples back and he wasn't able to bring them up to go down again the

[Adam Carolla]

thing sequel he really he thinks he's doing something but he's really just fucking up all the good scientific writers you know because remember we used to go like from the moon comes a creature and now it all got fucked up because someone went on to the moon you know and then we did the same thing with mars like these creatures are from mars but then we send some probe to mars and then no one buys it anymore like now from the bowels of the ocean from the marianas trench comes one of the scariest nah cameron's down it turns out there's nothing like you're fucking up everyone's stories we've taken the moon and mars the deepest part of the ocean we know

[Ben Schwartz]

too much that would be the best meeting to be in the studio meeting so like we have this so you get to the bottom of the ocean these big squids no no we'll have to replace squids with gelatinous gelatinous material clear mini shrimp just doing nothing just

[Allison Rosen]

chilling honestly here's the thing though when he hit the bottom he tweeted just arrived at the ocean's deepest point hitting bottom never felt so good and it was not clear how he was able

[Adam Carolla]

to tweet i bet he gets better cell reception in the bottom of the mariana's trench and i get my fucking house in hollywood hills that much i fucking know i have to pull over by stop sign and have every conversation i can't go up my driveway it'll cut out every time the worst god

[Ben Schwartz]

damn it we're so tortured that pun that he did that whole thing for that tagline hitting the bottom never felt so good i guarantee he thought of that tagline he's like guys we got to do something where i can match

[Adam Carolla]

us up with oh yeah proud a team of guys faxing in jokes yeah just all day that was yours wasn't

[Ben Schwartz]

it yeah it was i got seventy five bucks for that all right thanks

[Adam Carolla]

guys come full circle i feel like we should get on home that's the

[Allison Rosen]

news i'm alison rosen zipitkund thank you

[Adam Carolla]

baby doll that was the news with alison rosen oh big commerce you gotta use these guys if you're online and you got a business and you want to sell something online if you have a brick and mortar store you got to get online you need that e commerce going big commerce will handle your e commerce one stop shopping by the way they'll set you up they'll do the web design they'll set up the shopping they'll do the shipping they'll do the network marketing accounting analytics everything under one roof i don't even know if they have a roof roof virtual roof virtual roof they'll take care of that too that's right if they had a roof it would look like the roof at ihop yeah that's a cool roof like this super steep or der wienerschnitzel yeah which is now just called wienerschnitzel

[Ben Schwartz]

i think i don't know from new

[Adam Carolla]

york showing my age bigcommerce they've already helped seven hundred fifty million in sales for business in just two years limited time off offer thirty days free you can try it for free free no credit cards no nothing just free build a fully functional store at no expense oh man love these guys bigcommerce dot com click on the radio icon on the home page and enter my name adam that is bigcommerce dot com click on the radio type in adam for the thirty day free trial all righty then of course if you're buying something from amazon amazon you click through our banner at adamcarolla dot com show a little love i want to thank ben schwartz for coming in here the tv

[Allison Rosen]

show

[Ben Schwartz]

house of lies yeah house of lies the finale is this sunday at ten pm on showtime me don cheadle kristen bell josh lawson all the nice

[Adam Carolla]

funny people under one ihop esque roof rejectedjokes dot com is the website you can twitter ben at rejected joe jokes until next time this is adam carolla for brent ben schwartz allison rosen and paul brian saying mahalo i was going to take my clothes off and mince about in front of a camera and fuck james caan in the grotto pluto

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Adam Carolla]

tv shows we're coming at you with

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Adam Carolla]

the

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[Adam Carolla]

stream now pay never o'reilly auto parts yeah love that jingle oh oh oh so they're in the business of keeping your car on the road we know that they're also you know i don't have too many car issues usually i can figure them out but if i can't i go to o'reilly and they got all the stuff there mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer but my vintage cars man i can get a lot of parts from o'reilly they got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online so you never have to worry if you get in a jam also they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced they'll help you find the right one so whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice you'll see the employees at o'reilly auto parts are helpful and friendly o'reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto do it yourself it's o'reilly auto parts right dawson stop by o'reilly auto parts today or visit us at o'reillyauto dot com automatic adam and that's o'reillyauto dot com adam pluto tv has

[Sponsor Voice]

thousands of free movies and tv shows

[Adam Carolla]

we're coming at you with everything we got this is the mindset free this

[Sponsor Voice]

is the mantra free this is the mindset with movies like pineapple express the entire star trek film franchise and gladiator and tv shows like survivor spongebob squarepants the fairly odd picture parents and ghosts pluto tv is always free pluto tv stream now pay never all right that's

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

adam krillo show seven hundred and eighty nine with ben schwartz sonic the hedgehog come next we have adam krillo show seven hundred seventy seven with jim gaffkin allison rose and brian bishop also from twenty twelve

[Adam Carolla]

good day ball brian i interviewed jim gabby comedian jim gaffigan huge comedian jim gaffigan a couple days back and i did a little one on one with him because he was just blowing through town and we grabbed it when we could so oh i see we will put that oh no no no you guys are awesome i mean you had a lot it was just

[Allison Rosen]

you know i'm sure we were unavailable

[Adam Carolla]

i didn't reach out to you because i know that middays on a on a thursday all right point is this i spoke to jim and he's good

[Allison Rosen]

but not good enough for us thank

[Adam Carolla]

you for not wasting our time we needed more show and i thought all right we'll do the jim gaffkin interview but we'll also give you the regular show as well a couple things you should know i brought one of my kids books in i had to read this one too you know what i realized really quickly first off last night the kids have had a they've done a complete three hundred and sixty on me i like when people say that i know such a retarded thing right yes they've done a complete seven forty so they do the thing where you must be dizzy i know they go now my daughter's in love with me like come on daddy come on daddy i want daddy but come here and there daddy and my son's being a little dick you know and he's like pouting and being pissy with me and my daughter and last night my daughter wanted the cat in the hat you know come on daddy we got a book and she sat on my lap and she got the book out she opened the book and he realized cat in the hat's got a lot of

[Allison Rosen]

words in it yes it does that

[Adam Carolla]

ain't no light reading that's a double deucer maybe more yeah it's quite an epic so i you know she's sitting on your lap and you're reading but you realize wait a minute she can't read you know what i mean right she's not gonna know and better worse yet i can barely read but i'll tell you one thing i can do i can improvise so i'm like going and in comes the big red box with thing one and thing two saying what are you gonna do turn the page you know but you know there's a lot of verbiage there but all i do is fucking make the shit rhyme just a little bit and sort of work off the picture a little yes and and who what where and bring a little something to the party all the stuff i learned at the ground links in the early and i maybe twenty twenty five minutes in like two and a half three minutes this

[Allison Rosen]

is what your whole career has prepared

[Adam Carolla]

you for well it's bedtime thing one and thing two what are you gonna do hey look at the fish he's a fish he's a fish on a dish he's not happy she's not happy mama's coming home soon what would you do flip the page it's perfect they don't know the whole book it's awesome

[Allison Rosen]

right till they talk to their friends about the story but you have a while i think till that happens because that'll be when they're looking back like oh yeah and she'll be like oh yeah wasn't that the book that's about what are you gonna do i bought

[Adam Carolla]

my time bought some time on that what you don't want to delay on is domain names that's right that's right godaddy dot com easy affordable friendly name you can trust godaddy everyone needs you need a website you're nobody i don't recognize you if you don't have a

[Allison Rosen]

website that's why i see right through

[Adam Carolla]

you that's why i don't like any of the founding fathers no harry that huh right there you go can i google them i don't think so not to their own domain then fuck them there may be a couple of paragraphs or something that comes up on them but you're not really gonna find out who they were they didn't have their own websites didn't have their own domain and your hobbies obsessions like for me it's justin bieber time and your business whatever you got you gotta get it you can tweet us your new godaddy domain named show with the hashtag ace godaddy and maybe we'll give your new site a shout out maybe just maybe get your dot com domain for only seven forty nine just enter the code ace no one can beat that price seven forty nine support the show use the code ace at godaddy dot com alright so i got the my daughter sent me down with the who took the cookies from the cookie jar book that's a page turner yeah and you know it's a song it's a song usually you freeform this one yeah i

[Allison Rosen]

thought it was stole that's how i

[Adam Carolla]

had always learned it oh somebody like they've cleaned up who stole the cookie maybe they decided well let's see eeny meeny miny moe yeah they've cleaned up a lot of things over the years oh yeah right a lot of things it's always funny with that one where they put the tiger in there because they go if he hollers let him go like you know it's a he tiger it's a weird thing anyway they took the well in the original version

[Allison Rosen]

it could be a he or she

[Adam Carolla]

too true who took the cookies from the cookie jar and not who stole the cookies because it's probably a bad thing and it's like oh mister skunk wants to find it and he's traveling around and he goes to mister mister crow and mister raven and mister lizard mister porcupine and mister squirrel and all this kind of stuff but great story yeah and i'm sitting around reading this piece of shit and it starts off with the first page is who took the cookies from the cookie jar who took the cookies from the cookie jar who took the cookies from the cookie jar and i'm like it's the part that drives me nuts and again if you illustrate your fucking book then okay that's something that's a skill that's something i couldn't do if it's written and illustrated by i'll go well okay you're a hack you can't write who cares but at least you can draw and that's something it just says who took the cookies from the cookie jar three times and then you go to the next page i hope you're sitting down who took the cookies from the cookie jar so now we've got four it's four times in a fucking row the jar was full where did they go i don't know and it just keeps going and then eventually they just add like a lizard and a gecko and a sidewinder and a fucking cactus and whatever but then i turn to the front of the book and i'm like stuff is so bankrupt and i've said it many times everyone goes well look it's for five year olds here's the thing people respond to quality there's plenty of good shit on there there's plenty of bad shit on there phineas and ferb is good wawa wolvesy is for retards and i know i said that i know i said it like the family wawa wubsy could be good it chooses not to be good because they're hacks and they realize what they're doing they suck they're bad they're poor and don't give me this this is for because you make food for kids you make clothing for kids you make books for kids and there's such a thing as shitty food shitty clothing shitty books and shitty cartoons or you could make high quality stuff that was nutritious that fed their brains that was good and by the way that the parents could fucking stomach because we're sitting in the

[Allison Rosen]

room too appeals to parents and kids

[Adam Carolla]

yeah there's good stuff dora the explorer is for the aforementioned retards family french canadian retards yes and then there's stuff you know there's spongebob which is funny you know there's good stuff out there and the reason i want to point it out is i don't want the good shit lumped in with the shit stuff wawa wubs is sucks balls and when they do phineas and ferb they actually burn calories like they attempt to make things that are funny the songs are funny oh that wild wow wuzy with the you you're the coolest it's not only bad it's like it's shitty and dangerous so and i and i say dangerous because we'll find that song but i'm looking at the COVID of the book and the book is by bonnie lass and fillman philemon philemon sturges and then illustrations by ashley wolf so it took two people to come up with who stole the cookies from the cookie jar eighteen times it took two

[Allison Rosen]

so one of them's like no we need to say it one more time really no i think two more times no one and then two you fucking

[Adam Carolla]

hacks to write this fucking book and one guy to illustrate like if this had just said written and illustrated by bonnie lass i'd go all right well she can't write but at least she can draw but the fact that two folks sat down and wrote this and we don't do nearly enough judging like i'm telling you let me tell you something about shitty kids books they cause way more damage than any other shitty form of art because you go all right well christ in urine fine i'm not going to see a mapplethorpe production i'm not going to unveiling of mapplethorpe i'm not going to a show i'm not bringing my christian family to go see that i'm not bringing in my flock or my parish to go see a mapplethorpe show all right number one number two shitty adam sandler movie fine but i'm not going to see it this i have to be exposed to because these people and everyone's a saint like oh you wrote a children's book oh that's so awesome oh bonnie and philemon or philemon or whatever the fuck your name is you guys got together on a book you got together on a piece of shit it's horrible and you're boring the fuck out of the person that's reading it to the kid so how much are you putting into it and by the way my fifteen minute soliloquy on how shitty it is kind of taints the experience in front

[Allison Rosen]

of the kids and for us and

[Adam Carolla]

for you as well so the answer to go ahead who took the cookies from the cookie jar the answer is who gives a fuck but also thank

[Allison Rosen]

you this is a nursery rhyme type thing that we know so what are

[Adam Carolla]

they creating well do you think you'd be good enough to figure out that a snake mister snake could have taken it or mister badger or mister owl or mister skunk or mister deer mister sheep or mister anything i suppose i'd

[Allison Rosen]

have a richer understanding of wildlife it's

[Adam Carolla]

a piece of shit and you people who write kids books just please tell people you wish you could write books for adults but you can't so you must write them for children all right do we have our the most again the most dangerous message on television is wawa lovezine is mister cool video let's hear it please just listen to the

[Jim Gaffigan]

words you don't have to do a

[Adam Carolla]

fancy dance you don't have to wear the fancy pants you only have to give yourself a chance and you'll see you are the coolest you don't have to all right hold on a second there's nothing special that you have to

[Allison Rosen]

say you don't even have to wear

[Adam Carolla]

fancy pants right hey how about you interview me oh sorry buddy yeah good

[Brian Bishop]

yeah you're looking really i see you're applying for our clerk position yeah what about it well you must have superior typing skills i don't know interpersonal what's

[Adam Carolla]

your interpersonal well being the coolest is kind of my thing you'll be booking

[Brian Bishop]

a lot of travel for the executives

[Adam Carolla]

overrated typing's overrated basic bookkeeping skills is this done yet front of house position

[Brian Bishop]

you'll be greeting clients i don't have

[Adam Carolla]

to say listen i saw wawa lovesy about twenty two years ago and he told me i didn't have to say

[Brian Bishop]

anything i assume he's on your list

[Adam Carolla]

of references i don't know who i don't need references i'm the coolest oh

[Brian Bishop]

so you did not bring the list

[Adam Carolla]

of references first off you understand why i'm just wearing my underpants that was

[Brian Bishop]

my next question yeah i don't have

[Adam Carolla]

to dress special i don't have to say anything special by the way how come you don't know i'm the coolest

[Brian Bishop]

what would you say is your main

[Adam Carolla]

weakness not being uncool definitely a unique answer let's watch the rest of the video you don't have to say anything special everyone that's how high school is don't say anything don't dress a special way everyone will know everyone you'll be number one the golden rule is to do unto others as they have done to yourself right not yell at everyone you're the coolest good i wish there was never had many you yes all right hold it right here this is what's fucking up our society this fucking constant just this constant drumbeating of there'll never be another you you just do what you got to do you don't have to listen to anyone to be cool you are the coolest you don't have to try you don't have to impress you have to do are you fucking nuts wawa wuvsy producers that's all life is it's all one big fucking job where there's forty five guys on the high school team and they all want to fucking play quarterback and guess how you get to play quarterback back you fucking be better than everybody else you don't sit around and wait for people to acknowledge your coolness and which is the message they're sending you don't have to be cool but then you have to shout you're the coolest just

[Allison Rosen]

be you don't wear fancy pants and don't try don't try to impress so

[Adam Carolla]

the point is you're just born and that's enough because there'll never be another

[Allison Rosen]

you you're enough exactly as you are

[Adam Carolla]

there'll never be another demons never be another charles manson or idi amin either there'll never be another anything they'll never be whatever if you're fucking stillborn there's never gonna be another one of those stillborns is exactly like like you each

[Allison Rosen]

stillborn is a precious snowborn that's right

[Adam Carolla]

that's right ugh a piece of shit fucking kids just lapping this fucking shit up having their brain poisoned by this stupid horribly animated piece of shit telling you don't do anything you're mister cool the whole point is is you're not supposed to work worry about being mister cool but it keeps telling you every kid worries about being me right here's here's it write a fucking song called bust your balls asshole how would that go you're not worth shit your last easy day was yesterday you're not worth the fucking snot rocket i just shot on the sidewalk but if you bust your ass you keep your job you fight to keep your job and you keep your fucking mouth shut maybe you can get a decent apartment in sherman oaks it's a hit thank you let's hear the rest of it it you are you and i am me there's no other way we have to be just look in the mirror and we can see that we are the coolest say it loud say it proud be yourself and stand out from the crowd don't forget the golden rule be yourself and you'll be cool just be yourself

[Sponsor Voice]

and you'll be cool you'll be the

[Adam Carolla]

by the way this be yourself self thing bullshit you know this refrain wasn't me i know myself is like i like to scratch my ass pick my nose and watch really shitty tv that's

[Allison Rosen]

my thing well you gotta just do

[Adam Carolla]

you i could just be me yeah you gotta be you all right the next time i go on kimmel or letterman or leno i'm just gonna be me just be yourself adam hey man people will respond i'm just hanging i don't really want to do those things where we come up and come up with stories and witty funny things to say and that kind of stuff you don't need to i'm the coolest i'm going to hang out i'm going to hang out and be me i'm just going to you know what i'm going to do i'm going to rub my balls then i'm going to sniff my hand because that's what i would do if you weren't here jay that's what

[Allison Rosen]

you feel like doing that's what you

[Adam Carolla]

should do that's right being a kid don't deny yourself getting anywhere in life and being a kid is really the opposite of hanging out and doing what you want to do it's about busting your ass and listening to adults that's what it is shut the fuck up and listen to the man in all

[Allison Rosen]

seriousness that's kind of one of the tough things about our culture is that it encourages instant gratification and you should be happy all the time and yet i think true happiness and satisfaction comes from actually delaying gratification and working hard and those things are uncomfortable and that's a message that people it doesn't sell so if you send that message it's

[Adam Carolla]

just a waste of my time let me tell you who did what they wanted to do and hung out and was cool my buddy ray he got to hang out and be the coolest he is the coolest he did everything he wanted to do exactly when he wanted to do it all the fucking time and if you'd like to go to his apartment in north hollywood and check the story yourself you can do

[Allison Rosen]

that now is he happy with the way everything went down though no he's

[Adam Carolla]

not happy with the way everything went down because he's gonna turn forty nine in a month and he's still living in the same apartment so ask him if he likes being the coolest from his apartment the santa claus apartment that's right now you shut the fuck up and get to work it's the fucking message all right we're gonna do something we've always wanted to do around here which is just do a children's book based on i've said any one of us could just freeform a children's book book just based on you throwing out any object we tried this back in

[Brian Bishop]

the day in the radio show and you have a gift for this people throw out any kind of hammer or sandwich and you make an instant children's

[Adam Carolla]

book yeah well i don't know what i can do with urinal cake there's a coors light tall boy we got a cheese grater we got a universal remote i like that a wombat trying to picture what a wombat i mean i know it's an animal but i'm trying to think of trying to picture a wombat random orbital sander all right let's start at the top with the random orbital sander by gun what the

[Allison Rosen]

hell name is that gunner gutfeld that's a red eye reference oh that's gunner

[Adam Carolla]

gut oh is it that's not greg though does it seem like there's a space in between the two ends or is it just just me like it's

[Allison Rosen]

just you really well i mean no i see it but yeah because it looks like i just read it straight

[Adam Carolla]

through oh i said gunner gutfeld okay yeah because it looks like gun and then a little space nargutfeld yeah that's why i seem retarded look how cute a wombat is all right so first off we gotta give him a name and he's randy the orbital sander right he's the random orbital sander so he needs the name randy randy the random random orbital sander and he hangs around all day with his dad the belt sander and his mom the pad sander but he has a uncle his name is dutch the disc sander and he's a little rough around the edges now here's what you can do when you're

[Allison Rosen]

right in the joke just for the

[Adam Carolla]

adult right in the kids story you can just go ahead and repeat yourself ten times and buy yourself buy yourself time the there's a black version of this we're talking about this on the show one day yeah there's a black version of this and a white version of this trying to think of the black what is the black there's a black version of when they're trying to buy themselves time when they're talking from

[Allison Rosen]

the map from the hillside from the road from the this it's just expanding

[Adam Carolla]

on something no yeah though you know what i'm saying is you know you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying white guy's version is at the end of the day selling real estate's about selling houses i could break it down but i don't have to make it simpler than that and the guy who brings home the most money in commissions is going to be the guy who sells the most real estate now we can talk about twelve ways to sunday but the end of the day it comes down to simply selling real estate people are more successful selling real estate sell more real estate at the end of the day and then the black guys have the you know what i'm saying know what i'm saying yeah we know what you're saying keep going with your sentence kids books you get to repeat yourself all the time so you get to say like randy the random orbital sander said i want to go out and sand some pine it's good it's good it's good see that's the way you can just kill some pages and they're actually flipping flipping

[Allison Rosen]

and then you could have a tree say to him what did you want

[Adam Carolla]

to sand mm and he and then

[Allison Rosen]

he responds sand it again oh yeah

[Adam Carolla]

pine pine because pine is fine and then and the mahogany or the fucking nothing rhymes with mahogany god damn damn it painting myself into a fucking wood corner here all right so he's going out and we're going on a jog aren't we yeah now he mahogany oh that's awesome so he thinks his dad's going his dad his uncle and his mom are going out on a big flooring job where they're gonna be doing white oak but he tells he tells randy the random orbital sander that he's not big enough to handle hardwoods yet right but randy's like i've been doing good doing fine with pine and mahogany and doug fir but it's like that's not white oak white oak is a hardwood you could get hurt doing hardwood so they go out to do the big time flooring job with mister drum sander get the voice of a big black man to do oh i'm douglas the drum sander you know do that yeah and benny the bench vice and all all the people all the grown ups and he falls he's like an

[Brian Bishop]

italian from goodfellas ben bench vice he

[Adam Carolla]

follows him out to the job site

[Allison Rosen]

little randy the random orville sander all by himself i'm worried about him and

[Adam Carolla]

he only has two hundred twenty grit by the way it's not like he's gonna have sixty grit on there yeah

[Brian Bishop]

i feel like this book requires a lot of explanation or a glossary there

[Allison Rosen]

needs to be an appendix yeah anyway

[Adam Carolla]

there's some there's an evil can of tongue oil yeah todd todd the tongue oil he gives him what they call

[Allison Rosen]

a tongue lashing now this isn't going to be too dark for my kids

[Adam Carolla]

is it well there's some dark oak stain that gets involved here yeah and there's dark walnut stain as well too but that not the kind of dark you're talking about anyway they go out there and all of a sudden he finds himself out on the hardwood floor and here comes the drum sander and here comes the edging device and his his dad the belt sander pulls him out of harm's way at the at the last moment and he learned his lesson which is i don't know that i'm tired amount of shit to say you know what i mean that doesn't

[Jim Gaffigan]

matter it doesn't matter i'm sorry it

[Allison Rosen]

was a dumb question i should not

[Adam Carolla]

have asked it's a kid's book yeah because at the end they just all went home and they built a big playhouse yes they did the end thank you as good as any kids start actually informative it was possibly better possibly better learned about sanding there's one up there about a universal remote anyone want to try oh shit i don't have

[Brian Bishop]

your gift for this this is i'll

[Adam Carolla]

jump in this is something else man doesn't matter there's a universal remote that was all you he was very lonely okay he started off with alone he was lonely he was made fun of

[Brian Bishop]

maybe sal the universal remote yeah sal

[Allison Rosen]

universal here's i think that all the other remotes go to a tv they have their it's like this remote goes to this television and then poor sal the universal remote doesn't have the tv that he goes with and he feels

[Adam Carolla]

like i don't want to be a one upper but here's what's going on okay all the other remotes are jealous yes the cd player the blu ray was very blue oh boy was it the blu ray todd the tv the vcr guy with the huge mouth yeah yeah they're all angry that their jobs were eliminated right by the universal guy and they've all shunned him you know i mean and now they're all just gathering dust in the drawer and they blame the universal remote right and he

[Allison Rosen]

right and he's like but i he didn't want this kind of conflict that's right he just wants to just wants to do a good job and he

[Adam Carolla]

just wants to help people he dreamt of working at a children's hospital and controlling that big tv that's up in the corner you know that just serves kdoc yeah hawaii five zero reruns that was his thing he wanted to work

[Allison Rosen]

with kids right with special needs kids showing them reruns of old television shows

[Brian Bishop]

stories a lesson about shit sharing it's

[Adam Carolla]

about sharing and then at a certain point one day now the his his his owner works at a prison and a certain point he brings home the

[Allison Rosen]

prison remote also voiced by a large

[Adam Carolla]

black man and he's like give me your goddamn tennis shoes give me a goddamn double a batteries and he pulls his eyeball out universal out throws it

[Allison Rosen]

at him and then right when he's saying give me your batteries all the like the alarm clock is freaking out like oh no no i take a

[Adam Carolla]

lithium right yeah so there's the there's the universal remote and he wants to work with the kids and the other remotes don't and they help him escape to go to the children's hospital and they do kind of a toy story thing where they get the universal car and they use all the different toys to you know help him escape and go to the it's amazing what they

[Allison Rosen]

can do when they band together they

[Brian Bishop]

use his power of universal remote to control all the devices that get him

[Adam Carolla]

there the remote control airplane oh and they find out he his powers are good yeah for good yeah i like that universe sal the universal remote yeah i like that all right let's do oh shit should we do one more oh it let's do some news mike's tired of it with allison rosen she'll read some news from her ipad sometimes

[Ben Schwartz]

it's good sometimes it's bad it's allison

[Adam Carolla]

allison and when it's time to wrap it up she'll sign it off with

[Ben Schwartz]

zip it's allison allison

[Adam Carolla]

let me tell you about one of our new sponsors before we hop into news musicians musicians friend dot com musicians friend dot com tons of new and used guitars drums keyboards mics mixing boards and more you can get the hard to find stuff products before anyone else gets their hands on them that's right scoop them baby they even have stupid deal of the day they got a product marked down dramatically for just that one day only so find out what it is they got a forty five day low price guarantee free shipping on orders over twenty five dollars bucks you can click through musicians friend banner on our site and use the code podcast or call eight six six nine two six one nine two nine the guys at the call center are musicians so you're talking to people who know their thing and by the way some of the biggest well now probably musicians that aren't on world they're probably probably probably not touring as we speak you don't know that that's

[Brian Bishop]

true they're about to leave for a

[Adam Carolla]

tour that's right that's right not just your run of the mill order takers best prices on everything in music so if you're a musician you're listening or maybe you're just thinking about being a musician musicians friend dot com all right now allison yes good news baby girl

[Allison Rosen]

a new study has confirmed what many have long suspected and what you adam have been saying forever which is that homophobic attitudes are likely to be more pronounced among those who've been attracted to members of the same sex of course in other words those who are highly homophobic are more likely to have had gay feelings even if they didn't act on them or acknowledge them set to be published this month in the journal of personality and social psychology the findings provide new evidence to support the psychoanalytic theory that fear anxiety and aversion towards gays and lesbians can grow out of a seemingly heterosexual individual's own repression suppressed

[Adam Carolla]

same sex desires methinks thou protest too much said by the great william shatner but he was right the man's a genius he knew what he was talking about all those years ago that was pre star trek by the way we laughed then by the way yeah when you protest too much i'm telling you the whole thing about gays should be huh what you should laugh and then you should go eh who cares and that's that more pussy for me me

[Allison Rosen]

why the laugh this is funny to

[Adam Carolla]

picture guys butt fucking okay and then you go more pussy for me and

[Allison Rosen]

then you move on the study was done on college students in the us and germany the implicit and explicit sexual orientations of participants were measured by how they reacted to words and images with sexual associations during a split second timed task the second part of the experiment involved subject histories on family upbringing after which they were invited to look at pictures of gay or straight couples the study also found that participants with supportive and accepting parents were more in touch with their implicit sexual orientation listen we

[Adam Carolla]

didn't have to waste all this time i could have got to the bottom of this pretty quickly you like beastmaster that was a hell of a flick all right it wasn't bad gotcha all right i'm done we're good wait a minute we're done we're done here that's all i needed to know the study

[Allison Rosen]

performed on one subject the top you'd have to say though if you presented

[Adam Carolla]

those results no i'd do it with like four guys okay that's thorough a

[Allison Rosen]

british sperm bank founder who secretly used his own sperm may have fathered as many as six hundred children austrian born biologist bertold weissner and his wife doctor mary barton created the london based barton clinic in the early nineteen forties by the time the clinic shut its doors in the nineteen sixties the couple had used artificial insemination to help middle and upper class couples produce about fifteen hundred children doctor barton said she and her husband guaranteed that all donors were drawn quote drawn from intelligence stock and no donors were accepted unless they were a little above average weissner died in nineteen seventy two and his wife died ten years later doctor barton destroyed all the clinic's medical records before her death the couple claimed to have used sperm donations from their family friends to impregnate clients but dna tests conducted on eighteen people conceived at the clinic between nineteen forty three and nineteen sixty two found that weisner was the father of twelve according to reports in the british media good

[Adam Carolla]

looking doctor right he's gonna do worse smart you could do worse than that ambitious did they think they're being impregnated by the dude no they thought they

[Allison Rosen]

were i mean they thought okay so the the couple who ran the sperm clinic said that all the you know donations are from above average stock and they would say they said they were trying they would try to like match the i don't have a problem with that that it was all his spunk mm well the problem the potential problem with it is that some of his spawn could accidentally marry each other mm

[Adam Carolla]

yeah yeah it could happen no and

[Allison Rosen]

also i don't after the gene pool

[Adam Carolla]

here's why i don't care if you go into a sperm bank and you go you know i'm the father and that's my wife or not a sperm bank but i want to impregnate my wife with my seed and somebody else swaps it out with their see right that's really a crazy line if you're like i'd like the guy to be smart and college educated and blue eyed and austrian austrian and whatever it's like well definitely can set you up with that dude give me a minute then you basically got the guy i know it's weird and these guys are gonna i'm sure there's gonna be some stories of people dating each other and all that kind of stuff but look you wanted a highly educated guy who looked pretty good and weird frames you found him alright

[Allison Rosen]

i never thought of it that way weird and speaking of sperm according to time magazine the us is the world's top exporter of sperm america has like the gold standard of sperm says time magazine senior editor jeffrey kluger as with any good product the two keys are quality control and versatility variety of product we that's america have very very strict fda controls on who can can donate and how heavily they have to be screened we also have a multi ethnic population which means we're very appealing to the world because people can come in from japan from brazil anywhere else and find a genetically ethnically matching

[Adam Carolla]

baby yeah i use one of those truffle pigs to find my sperm in the dirt yeah yeah yeah this remarkably sensitive snout yeah and then i like i put it and i swirl it and i hold it up to the light and then i go see if it has legs assertive without being pushy and then i go i like the way it's got an oaky finish and

[Brian Bishop]

if even a little bit is bad

[Adam Carolla]

throughout the whole batch the whole keg

[Allison Rosen]

let someone sample it first

[Adam Carolla]

then do

[Allison Rosen]

you have them spit it out i've

[Adam Carolla]

been on i'll tell you what i did i've been on the wine tasting thing where the guy you know puts the weird puts the weird beak into the thing and sucks out the thing

[Brian Bishop]

in the bunghole yeah puts it in

[Adam Carolla]

the bunghole and sucks the thing out and he does a thing and i always tell you they go and you get drunk by the way it's awesome it's a way to like do you

[Allison Rosen]

do the thing where you spit it

[Adam Carolla]

out though i don't hell no i'll have a guy spit it into my mouth who is spitting it out but i don't spit my own out vaguely alicia silverstone yes why would you do it so there's this thing where the guy walks around and he's like try these whites that are made in the stainless steel cask and then you know you try it and then you you go now try the ones that are made in the oak cask and he just walks to the back and he pulls in then he does that thing where he's swirling you notice it as it finishes just a little bit different and everyone's you notice this goes a little more full bodied and everyone you notice that it has a woodsier more mellow tone to it and everyone's going yeah i would then go it's all from the same cask and then laugh hysterically look at you guys i would do that every time it'd be fun because you could always you'll always no one ever raised their hand and go it tastes the same as the other one like you always go oh yeah yeah no it is free i can i can taste the citric citrus in it a little yeah it has a little more citrus flavor and i can taste the oak coming through you know like that there's nothing you just you just nod once you get a little bit buzzed you just nod your fucking

[Allison Rosen]

head didn't you have some kind of contest on the radio didn't you prove something involving wine am i imagining this

[Adam Carolla]

i can't remember if we did one involving beer or whatever no we tried

[Brian Bishop]

it was it was poorly executed we tried with ninety nine cent store wine versus like a sixty five dollars bottle of wine but that was a little you can tell the difference quite easily but if it was like a twelve dollars bottle versus a fifty dollars bottle you would have a hard time telling

[Adam Carolla]

the difference well i can tell you this right now the best wine is the one that's on your table you could take a dollar twelve bottle of wine that you enjoy and you'd like it better than dollar one hundred bottle of wine that maybe i would enjoy i find and i can't quite explain it it's a european thing and it's sort of an eastern european thing i always notice if i ever go to a german place or hungarian place there's a kind of a wine that tastes very medicine and very thick and very it doesn't it feels like a medicine i don't know how quite to articulate it other than it's not i don't like it at all i'm a little bit of a lightweight i like it a little bit little bitter and a little thick it's that it's that sort of oxblood kind of eastern european like there's a hungarian restaurant it always has that kind of thing to it i like the pinot noir stuff i just like the lighter the lighter stuff and this just has it and there's some really expensive wines that are really heavy and they just feel really strong and it's not full body but it's like almost too much i know you're usually

[Brian Bishop]

drunk when you're drinking wine but why don't you take like a picture of it so you remember like what what

[Adam Carolla]

you do in delicate stuff i like any pinot noir yeah but if you

[Brian Bishop]

don't like certain kinds like i hate grenache i've been tried my life to like grenache and it's a very popular wine in spain which made me think of what you said can't like it don't like it i always tell sommelier whoever bring me something that's not a grenache so write down or take a picture of what you don't like do

[Adam Carolla]

yourself a favor yeah this is how

[Allison Rosen]

i am with grape nuts we've talked about it before but sometimes i try again i think maybe i'm ready for them and i'm not that's the news i'm alison rosenz ipic hunt

[Darun Ravi]

that was

[Adam Carolla]

the news with allison rosen well the thing about the grape nuts it's all about the soil that's what they say

[Brian Bishop]

yeah rocky soil i can really taste the rocky soil it's like yeah i can totally taste that do you taste

[Adam Carolla]

the minerals coming through that i'm like i i don't know what this is

[Allison Rosen]

what kind of barrel were these grape nuts aged in i always say i

[Adam Carolla]

will tell you this though if you do that wine tasting thing and they do the different foods make the wine taste different different you take a bite of an apple and then you take the drink of the wine you take a bite of the fish or you take the salt and you put it on the lemon or the apple or whatever it totally changes the flavor of everything it totally does it absolutely lemon

[Brian Bishop]

sugar all that stuff yeah would i

[Allison Rosen]

do that with soda too though yeah

[Adam Carolla]

yeah yeah yeah well of course soda's not as expensive yeah listen the whole thing about the wine tasting is well a few things with me first thing i said it before but they take those they take those big oak barrels and the casks and they just put them on top of each other and the only thing that holds them up is their own weight essentially it's just like a it's almost how they do the apple display at the supermarket what

[Allison Rosen]

happened to that curved metal there's a

[Adam Carolla]

curved metal rack that's it that's it remember remember the every good sitcom from the seventies had the thing where the guy just got done making the big pyramid of campbell's soup or apples or something and then whoever would grab the apple from the middle and the whole thing would come cascading down it was

[Brian Bishop]

that and bumping into one shelf and

[Adam Carolla]

bumping into the other yeah having all the shelves fall over so they just go from floor to ceiling with these things and each barrel takes eight years and all the fucking work involved and all the grapes and all and all the whatever i mean it's such a fucking pain in the ass and by the way when you're done it's like they should want five hundred dollars a bottle for what they're trying and so they do all this and it's real high end stuff and it is really expensive and each barrel has x amount of bottles and it's worth thousands of dollars and they're piled on top of each other and they have these little sort of c shaped things that kind of go in between the barrels and sort of s shaped things that just use their own gravity one barrel on top of the next and i'm walking through this huge warehouse and i'm like hey we're in the bay area essentially i said this is earthquake country isn't it and the guy's like yeah it is and i said well hell man if there's an earthquake all these things are coming down and you're gonna have millions of dollars of just busted open wine i'll be there with a fucking sponge with like a baguette you know there's a picture of allison report new

[Brian Bishop]

earthquake in napa adams runs out the

[Adam Carolla]

studio yeah fucking zip it cunt one of those floor squeegees and so i go you know wet dry vac i come running over so i go so listen i used to do earthquake rehab work and you know shouldn't you be shouldn't you have the stuff strapped down or something you know and the guy's like so i bring up the earthquake and the guy's like oh yeah and i was like well it must happen and she's like oh yeah it does and i see i said well has it happened recently that's right we just had one just about nine months ago and whatever vineyard you know up the way it got hit pretty hard i mean they lost like two thousand barrels all over just complete bust and i'm like you gonna get any straps on your barrels he's like we're talking about it i'm like there's a party once i go what the fuck what the fuck you're in the middle earth by country you just had a vineyard down the road just get fucking cleaned out by this shit the stuff's gone up

[Allison Rosen]

to the fucking ceiling but if anyone's in there wouldn't they just get like

[Adam Carolla]

yes but it'd be it'd be an honor to go that way things move

[Brian Bishop]

slowly in the wine country leisurely pace

[Allison Rosen]

yes i guess they wouldn't feel any

[Adam Carolla]

pain but still yeah sort of like being run over by countach or miura or something you know sort of an honor all right go to my pc everybody go to my pc love these guys oh man man you can use the app use it on your iphone and then you get to your computer get to your work computer get your home computer do whatever you want on that computer and do it with your little pocket iphone what a time we're living in go to my pc brought to you by citrix great guys love michael and those guys have been with us forever they have a great product they're just a great company and they've been behind us since the word go try it out for free free that's right forty five days go to my pc free forty five day free trial only if you use a promo code adam visit go to my pc dot com click on the tried free button and remember use the promo code adam go to my pc okay where were we i like that staccato kind of

[Allison Rosen]

talking i think we're going to take

[Adam Carolla]

a break ah should we take a break all right quick break and jim gabby when we come back if you're paying he'd love to go out and eat where's other people's shoes he's so damn cheap most women think that he's

[Ben Schwartz]

a leering creep yes we're talking about

[Adam Carolla]

my goggins he looks like fred ward and katie lane no emotions or thought inside his brain never spends his eye on anything yes we're talking about my gogginess we're talking about my gogginess wow wow i didn't know rich banks felt

[Allison Rosen]

this way

[Adam Carolla]

i think mike lynch feels that way

[Allison Rosen]

he's saying no he's saying he wants to put distance between himself and that it's fun that's totally not

[Adam Carolla]

the case it's like traveling with a robot mannequin it's awesome it's awesome that

[Allison Rosen]

sounds like a horror movie actually robot

[Adam Carolla]

mannequin the thing that's great about mike august i talk about it with james baby all day and he used to travel around with him for a long time you say anything to him at any time and the answer is let's do it like you go hey i want to see that nick cage movie drive he's like let's do it you go let's get some froyo he'll go i'll meet you in the lobby like let's drink some beers and rape whatever time you call him whatever time you say whatever i mean you just go we're eating ribs in kansas city at eleven in the morning he's like we're there i go we could use some fries he's like he saw he's going

[Allison Rosen]

again i'd be like great next week

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i tell him all the time like i'll give you an example i'll give you like a real good mike august example the show starts at eight the theater is seven eight minutes away like let's say a walk let's say it's half a mile or five eight blocks or whatever from where we're at from the hotel if the show starts at eight i'll say to mike all the time i'll see you in the lobby at seven fifty and he'll go all right see you then and that's it he'll never go maybe we should meet closer to seven thirty because who knows if we run into trouble and we might not be able to get into the theater and sometimes we want to acclimate he just goes all right let's do it he doesn't do any i've told him a thousand times like we've been in vegas like i'll go like what time we what time we flying home we're flying home tomorrow at ten am i go why don't we just get a car and drive tonight after the show okay i'll get get one and that's it and i can never tell if he's just kissing ass here's the thing about the people tell you not to kiss ass kiss ass because i can't tell if he's kissing ass or he's just that fucking malleable but either way we're doing whatever i want to do all the time and

[Allison Rosen]

it works touch him with something really hot and see if he says ouch

[Adam Carolla]

i'll burn him with a tiparillo yes speaking of things that are hot ah man great man oh man great one hundred percent cast iron one hundred percent made in america steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard no more flare ups and we're not talking about psoriasis no more dry meat guaranteed it's scientific baby you didn't think you're grilling you know that guy's talking about the grilling and my marinade or the way i do it or the way i my basting brush or whatever whatever let's step up this is the steroids this is an unfair advantage step up step up to the mangrate twenty bucks you'll never be happier about this twenty bucks i think about all the twenty bucks i've given away on stupid crap over the

[Allison Rosen]

years you could spend one hundred bucks and you wouldn't be unhappy but you don't have to you only have to

[Adam Carolla]

spend twenty you'll forget all about that lap dance but this this is a gift that keeps giving just click on the man great banner at adamcarolla dot com plus yes you can the order comes with the special adam carolla show branded grill brush collector's item oh it will be from your mouth to god's ears all right there is a stand up comedian his name is jim gaffigan speaking of stand up saint louis at the pageant theater april twentieth and saint louis i should say saint paul the fitzgerald theatre april twenty first all right we'll take a quick well we're not going anywhere but jim gaffigan is he's going to enter your heart enjoy yourself some jim gaffigan great comedian jim gaffigan is here with me and i'm excited jim is one of these comedians i've taken an interest in since i started doing stand up really well because you are a comedian i was playing at the borgata and i was playing like i don't know the twelve hundred seater that was downstairs or something maybe i don't even know where i was some casino it's like jim gaffigan playing the arena upstairs and i'm like not an

[Jim Gaffigan]

arena but yeah no there's bigger rooms

[Adam Carolla]

like three thousand seats or something yeah that's pretty damn i mean for a guy most people like i know joel mchale right and i love joel mchale and he's a good friend of mine and he has a vehicle he has a platform he does talk soup and he does community but he would do talk soup so chelsea handler you know you have your your platform and then you can go out and do your stand up because you have your platform right jim gaffkin just does stand up well i mean i don't know what

[Jim Gaffigan]

your platform is yeah i you know it's the gospel adam yeah it's i

[Adam Carolla]

don't know white tyler no well that's what i call you a white i

[Jim Gaffigan]

do yeah right and no i don't know well that's that's you know but i have been on shows so i mean oh yeah i've been lucky enough to like reoccur on that seventies show and i've had small parts and no

[Adam Carolla]

but the way the business works is you usually get a platform and the platform feeds the live right i think

[Jim Gaffigan]

some of it is you know it's it's the hour specials i've had on

[Adam Carolla]

comedy central well it's being good and and i'm gonna come this is gonna turn into a compliment you'll be gone but it'll turn into a compliment and i mean in the ground no it's because you do it so much you do it so consistently and you do it so well that you've been able to do this you build this audience

[Jim Gaffigan]

obviously yeah well i mean i you know i've been doing it for twenty years too so it's hopefully it's consistency and kind of of delivering on the whole you know you do a show and people want to come back what

[Adam Carolla]

part of minnesota are you from i'm

[Jim Gaffigan]

not from minnesota that's a stereotype what's your favorite type of pasta anyway no i'm from indiana mm

[Adam Carolla]

and you grew up thinking what like was there i

[Jim Gaffigan]

did not grow up thinking i want to be a comedian that's going to be you know doing theaters right i totally fantasized about it but you know i grew up in a town of two thousand people where you know the closest thing to the entertainment industry was the marching band right so i didn't really think of it as a realistic pursuit so i i mean i always wanted to do it and you know and i got to college and i

[Adam Carolla]

studied finance and your dad beside pimping what'd he do yes he was a

[Jim Gaffigan]

pimp and a banker and a banker

[Adam Carolla]

so he's a banker in a little

[Jim Gaffigan]

town right like my father was the first one to go to college so like you know security was of utmost importance it's like you know i could either study finance in college or finance in accounting right right so pursuing you know creativity it's like i might as well have announced that i wanted to live on the money moon right it

[Adam Carolla]

was just insane and was your dad strict i mean was your dad like if i'm paying for college you're gonna take what i tell you to take

[Jim Gaffigan]

pretty much i mean you know i'm the youngest of six so it's like he had seen some of his other kids you know graduate with you know an international terrorism degree and try to get a job and so he didn't he didn't demand it but it was strongly encouraged so it's so weird and

[Adam Carolla]

maybe maybe but you have like a

[Jim Gaffigan]

strange trip to the entertainment world too i mean everyone does except for like

[Adam Carolla]

charlie sheen right yeah and emilio estevez yeah yeah i well i was a carpenter and then a boxing trainer and then i trained jimmy kimmel to box for some radio stunt all that but so yes it's a weird weird path to entertainment but and no the family didn't encourage it but they didn't encourage anything with this leap which was kind of of was what came out of their mouth but i wasn't going to college so it was sort of there was no future to squander let's put it that way your dad at least at some point perceived you had a future that you could possibly squander doing comedy although i wish that and maybe it'll and i have twins do you

[Jim Gaffigan]

have kids i've got four kids oh

[Adam Carolla]

you have four kids and what is

[Jim Gaffigan]

their age ranges seven five two and eight months okay so you you're right

[Adam Carolla]

in there it's yeah it's and i would hope that as dads we're gonna recognize when our kids have an interest in something and try to nurture it a little bit and and and i will include sense of humor in that just like i'll include music and something like that it's so weird that i i don't know every comedian from our generation no one ever no teacher ever pulled him aside and said you gotta know something called it son you better write that stuff down no it's always like shut up you're being disruptive quiet down you know tone it you were actually being told to shut up it was the opposite of encouragement yeah absolutely

[Jim Gaffigan]

and you know it's weird i you know i was just talking to a friend about it's like it's incredibly strange to be a comedian and be a parent because i don't have there's no role model for that so it's like my son just assumes being funny is is what you do so he behaves kind of like how i behaved as a child but he sees that his dad makes a living doing that right

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i'm the world's worst too because what happens is my son is a big lovable ball of goo who comes up and kisses me and calls me father and stuff and my daughter's a little firecracker who likes tugging everyone's chain and so what'll happen is but as a comedian i recognize that what she's doing is funny even if it's ball busting and annoying exactly and so mommy will say now give daddy a kiss he's going out of town to play some shows and the son will just come right up and kiss me on the lips and then my daughter will kiss her hand and smack me on the forehead with it you know three stooges style and i'll start laughing because it was cool it was funny my wife will be like hey don't take that you know when you have those conversations over your kids you tell her that that's not okay and it's like as soon as i'm done laughing then i'm gonna turn around and get serious but i can't collect it's entertaining my

[Jim Gaffigan]

son greets me by punching me in the stomach because he wants to hear me go ugh right you know it's i don't know what the age of your how old are your kids they're

[Adam Carolla]

twenty six and severely retarded i said that to somebody i was just fucking around with somebody once where i say like you know and they say daddy and they hug me and i clean their diapers and then someone said how old are they and i said they're twenty eight severely retarded and the person went like and i went fucking around

[Jim Gaffigan]

they're five they're five so have you had those those teacher conversations where they're like well your kid is exactly like you assuming that we're just you know always just being ridiculous so any behavior that's not compliant they assume it's just because because of your occupation i don't

[Adam Carolla]

get that i get a lot of this coach bob used to do standup at the school you know coach bob from the school he used to do stand up he had a great idea i always think to myself great great for me great for me he wants to do a stand up night it's like okay all right and let me just skip ahead to where this is going the one fucking saturday night i have off in the month i'm gonna spend with a bunch of people i don't want to hang out with trying to get money for a school that's doing just fine that's fundraisers are hugely can you emcee the baking whatever i'm doing shit for my sister's school my sister the kids were to going going to school it was up topanga canyon they're showing pictures of the kids like on horsebacks holding laptop computers macs and stuff like some of these kids only have one or two iphones trying to get by it's like what yeah yeah so you get a lot of like

[Jim Gaffigan]

school related hey you're funny you know and the benefit shows are i mean i don't know i'm kind of it's like so easy that's the great irony as a comedian it's like people like thank you so much for doing this show appearing in this show and and part of me is like well i was gonna do a set tonight anyway but if i could help out you know that's great you know by the

[Adam Carolla]

way jim is doing something that's kind of interesting he's doing a comedy special called jim gaffigan mister universe and it's released through a digital download and that is today for levin and it's only five bucks and it's it's interesting by the way one one buck from each purchase is going to bob woodruff why is one buck going to bob being donated to bob woodruff the foundation sorry

[Jim Gaffigan]

the foundation it's well first of all i wanted to make it very clear i mean this is well i should say that louis ck did this model and i'm kind of piggybacking on his idea here but and some of it is the the donation part of it is you know i'm not doing this to become rich you know it's not like i have figured out a perfect price and all this and i feel like you know the bob and lee woodruff i met them when i did ironically a benefit show and i saw that they you know they're helping veterans and their families and it's just you know they're obviously involved in it and right it seemed like there was no bureaucracy so i was totally into it

[Adam Carolla]

yeah he was the news reporter or is the news reporter who got the serious brain trauma out in iraq people

[Jim Gaffigan]

didn't think he was gonna make it

[Adam Carolla]

i mean it was a horrible yeah it was accident or not accident but a horrible attack or whatever it was but he i don't know some rpg hit his whatever and he was badly and he made his way back yeah

[Jim Gaffigan]

yeah and it's he he has this foundation with his wife that that it's just amazing you know it's like i don't know i've been it was ironic well not ironic but it was interesting the day of that benefit i was on the subway and a guy sat down next to me and just started kind of talking to me and you know he recognized me from my comedy and he was like and he told me that he was in iraq and that when he went to iraq he was an a student and now he didn't feel like he was going to be able to finish college because of he couldn't concentrate and stuff like that and i learned this over the course of a subway ride and then later on that night i was doing the woodruff benefit which was stand up for heroes and so it kind of just and some of it is you know i'm a coward these people are these men and women are really brave so

[Adam Carolla]

it's and one buck from every sale is going to go there and it's interesting and louis ck thing and we've done a little bit of that over here ourselves where i did a night with dennis prager who's a real interesting cat we just sort of talked about life and the meaning of life and had some laughs and did a couple hours and put it together and threw it up on sale on itunes and it's sort of a new model which is nice because we've all worked with the producers and the producers producers don't produce they do a lot of reducing in my mind and they they get between the ears and your mouth and they start editing stuff and they start telling you what to say you know

[Jim Gaffigan]

i was thinking about doing this doing something different but for me it started i had done this show night of too many stars and i i'm rel i'm a pretty clean comedian right and so on the show sarah was on the show you know sarah silverman yeah ricky gervais was on it steve carell like simulated having an orgasm like there was some filth on the show really funny dirty stuff and smigel it was his event and so it was gonna air on comedy central like i think two times and jon stewart organized it and everything and smigel called me like a week later and he was like you're not gonna believe this but standards and practices you know like there were legal issues with my act which is pretty clean right but because i talked about an advertiser right they had to censor me and so like it was strange to be like the clean comedian right where where and i realized after that that i was going to have to you know this this chunk that i had written my most likely wouldn't be in my next comedy central special because i was talking about this advertiser who were they it was mcdonald's uh huh and so it wasn't as if comedy central would never have taken it but they were very concerned on that show and they wanted certain jokes taken out and i was like well what am i gonna do when i come out with another hour special am i gonna so that kind of prompted me to kind of think outside of the box for where to take my special and and i ended up you know i was looking at netflix and maybe just doing it on amazon and while i was thinking about it you know louis did it like this and it just i mean he made it really cheap really easy to buy you know it's easier to buy than to steal so i thought i'll try it what

[Adam Carolla]

in terms of developing ninety minute i don't know an hour ninety minute ad how often does it turn over and how long does it take to develop

[Jim Gaffigan]

that ninety minutes well louis does an hour a year but for me i write everything with my wife jeannie and we will take i'd say two years but i might do what people don't

[Adam Carolla]

realize is an hour of new comedy well worked refined new comedy every year

[Jim Gaffigan]

is an amazing pace yeah yeah no that's that's a really unusual pace and you know sometimes it's it's not easier but it's different for i would say like a social satirist you know like somebody you know talks about politics you know there's very topical but it might not have the shelf life or whatever of a hot pocket right right so it's you know i feel like my stuff that i write you know with my wife it takes a lot say

[Adam Carolla]

you write with your wife yeah how's

[Jim Gaffigan]

that work well we you know it wasn't an immediate thing but over the past you know we've been together eight years but i'd say probably the past six years it's been a real team

[Adam Carolla]

you know does she is she contributing jokes yeah does she have your voice yes does she tell you when something's not funny and do you ever sort

[Jim Gaffigan]

of feel kind of weird about it's yeah it's like every step of the way you know coming up with an idea it's tags it's structure you know i definitely go on stage and try things and you know the final decision is obviously mine but yeah no it's it's a it's a writing partner and

[Adam Carolla]

is it do you work out on a almost nightly basis at a smaller

[Jim Gaffigan]

club i don't know yes i'm we're based in the york new york city so it's yeah i'm usually out during the week and then do shows on

[Adam Carolla]

the weekend and then weekend is where you make the money play the theaters do the do the thing and people don't realize there's a lot of money in the live appearance business i mean it's still out there especially you can do the casinos and do do things like that but you have to travel

[Jim Gaffigan]

yeah you have to travel and i have you know i mean it's it's it's amazing right to perform in a theater from a creative standpoint but also it is good money but it's not as i mean i to put this in perspective i live in a two bedroom apartment in manhattan with four children so it's not like i'm becoming a billionaire doing it but it's you know it's a very good living that's for

[Adam Carolla]

sure yeah well compared to what you have to do right and you can do it i mean it's the greatest because you can literally just hold a beer if you do it not that you do but if i'll go out and do stand up i'm holding a beer and if i finish one someone will hand me another beer and i think what the fuck other job works

[Jim Gaffigan]

this way well it's insane also because i don't think anyone goes into comedy with the expectation well then i'll do theaters when i'm in my early forties i'll be doing theater i felt like i had to do it and i still feel like i have to do it i mean i don't think there's anything more enjoyable than coming up with a new job i mean outside of you know like the fulfillment of coming up with a new joke i mean i'm sure you know that feeling it's

[Adam Carolla]

like i don't i i'm it's weird because i don't have that you don't wish i did now well then what's

[Jim Gaffigan]

wrong with me why are you doing this why did you make the transition to this isn't there some fulfillment here or is it just you know what

[Adam Carolla]

i mean no i you know you're

[Jim Gaffigan]

like no i don't enjoy it no

[Adam Carolla]

i don't i don't i have a bad wiring i have a i have a i have i always tell people i don't have low self esteem i have no self esteem and i don't mean that in a bad way i just i almost don't exist the way i think of myself so a good night is to be forgotten about immediately and then a bad night you can beat yourself up about a little bit right i'm not that easy on myself on a bad night night but i've always worked as an improvisational comedian so i've never i've never wrote anything down until recently i realized oh you got to write this shit down because it's worth something you can write a book or you can do stand up with it was always you know talking talking talking with never never had an act i would have people say to me all the time that bit you do on and i'd go i don't even know what you're talking about i have no recollection of saying that but it turned out recently in my you know later stages of comedy i went oh you got to start collecting this stuff but i never i like making people laugh yeah but i feel like it's my job so if they don't laugh i fucked up but if they do laugh that's just my job that's what they paid forty five bucks for so

[Jim Gaffigan]

there is so the crafting of the joke and the chunk of that's that's has no appeal to you that that's

[Adam Carolla]

a task yes i like cars yeah i like building and i like architecture

[Jim Gaffigan]

right and that's like three more hobbies

[Adam Carolla]

than i and and i have to fund that stuff because the car stuff is incredibly expensive and then like going out vintage racing and stuff like that just what you burn up in tires and fuel and all that stuff just getting the car to the track i mean it's super expensive it's like a stupid expensive hobby and it's not that i don't have disdain for comedy i don't mind it i'm fine with it it's just something that comes fairly naturally pretty easy to pay the bills doing it i used to work construction so i understand what work is and how miserable work is and also understand what a payday is and i wasn't getting any of those paydays when i was working construction but i never had a thought about it like the last i did one hundred man shows the last one we did by monday the following week it's like i'd never done them

[Jim Gaffigan]

i totally identify with some of that because there is something of you know when you're on a show and they're like it's the last show of the season and you're like well we only did like eight of them and they're like well what gifts are we gonna get everyone but we're all making you what we're gonna get a gift for that person that there's something kind of

[Adam Carolla]

scary strains of rain poncho with the show's name embroidered on the back of

[Jim Gaffigan]

it i think there is like a real disconnect that's not to say that i mean i don't particularly care i think birthdays are kind of absurd you know what i mean i'm not even doing a bit or anything i think birthdays are absurd like the fact that anyone over the age of thirteen celebrates their birthday to me is absurd you know what i mean i feel sadly

[Adam Carolla]

that way for anniversaries as well no

[Jim Gaffigan]

there's something kind of strange so i totally know what you mean but i always think that i don't begrudge someone that does that but like when people are like hey we have to get together we haven't seen each other since yesterday like to me i'm like but i saw you yesterday you know it's

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i feel that way with most the like reunion like people go you and jimmy got do a man show reunion like no we don't we did one hundred episodes we're fine i don't have that gene but i wish that i had more of a passion and a love and a respect for the crafting of the joke and then more of a work ethic i have no i have a horrible work ethic i mean i work really hard but i'm also like i'm gonna just go up on stage and i got some beats and we'll do ninety minutes and i'm not gonna craft anything anything i you

[Jim Gaffigan]

know i'm like the opposite i'm you're smart no you're a good student no i was you know i'm not that bright you know but it's like i'm really excited to do like an amazing show you know kind of have some idea of a beginning middle and end and i do want to i do want people when they leave to be like that was really good i can't wait i do too i you know

[Adam Carolla]

no no this is this is this is my problem yeah i want the exact same thing right i'm just not willing to go to the club and work it out that week that's that's the disconnect part yeah but i can usually get by like and to the point where like here's what i'd be like i would be like a lazy shitty student who could could who was supposed to do an oral oral report on huck finn right could get it that morning as i was walking toward the class skim through it remember a couple of beats and then go out and deliver it and actually pull it off right without but never really it wouldn't be as good as if i read the book right but i can still pull it off and i never went in the car i never you

[Jim Gaffigan]

know when i you know i have horrible eyesight and i probably have like eight different forms of dyslexia so i know exactly what you're talking about and i was the youngest of six kids so it's like the notion of someone monitoring me doing my homework it's like i was all about like all right this looks like huck finn you know they're on a river and there's a raft i totally did that but some of it is i think it's also you know an obsessive nature of mine where i'm you know like i'm a slob but when it comes to stand up i'm like should i move that word right you know where that's where i obsess that's probably my you know vintage car thing is like maybe if i add five more jokes then i can even make a joke about doing five more jokes right on this topic

[Adam Carolla]

so when you go out on stage once the act is honed and once the act is set you'll know pretty much down to the syllable what's going to be said on that given night

[Jim Gaffigan]

no not at all not at all i mean there's a framework of how a certain chunk might work but there's always i mean i have this inside voice that will that is always kind of reading the conversation i'll be having with the audience so and there's yeah there are like moments in a joke that i'll be excited to get to and you don't necessarily get to them meaning you whiffed or the audience wasn't following what you were saying and so i will you know i'll adjust and it's definitely it's really fun to play you know when you're coming up with a joke and sometimes there's always a bunch of moments when i'm doing a show where i'll kind of just go with it you know and kind of go with the feeling but now will

[Adam Carolla]

your wife be in the audience yeah a lot of times and like and like write something down like if something comes out spontaneously or something she'll think

[Jim Gaffigan]

of by watching me do it yeah

[Adam Carolla]

wow yeah that is it's one of those telling things i always laugh about like when somebody says it's because i come from a horrible family but you know like someone will go yeah i'll go what'd you do last weekend oh i went on a cruise with my mom and i go oh my god and they go no i love my mom she's really cool oh you poor dear that's horrible and they go i like my mom we had fun together i'm like oh the humanity i couldn't imagine i realize i'm projecting right oh yeah i couldn't imagine having my wife being in the audience just with a steno pad like i would i'd probably

[Jim Gaffigan]

go and say no i think it's incredibly unique you know it is it's believe me i mean you know when i was dating you know the most important thing you know that i was looking for in a woman i was dating was whether she was funny but i still didn't think i'd end up writing with her i didn't yeah no there's nothing you know like when another comedian gives you a tag to a joke or something something half the time you're like thanks you know i did think of that the first five minutes i wrote it but you know so it's it's a very unique situation but by the way i don't think any you know i am still someone who goes on stage and makes strangers laugh there's nothing normal about that sure i mean so it's it's like you know we're all insane you know what i mean it's like you sit there and you go oh i'm insane but it's like every i think everyone in the entertainment industry is insane maybe with the exception of like meryl streep right but

[Adam Carolla]

do you have like your writer do you have a do i have what do you have a writer do you have i don't mean a writer but i mean like you need coffee you need a miller light yeah no i

[Jim Gaffigan]

have coffee and i think i have like sandwich meat and a red bull

[Adam Carolla]

yeah i had a i had a i had a funny thing last last

[Jim Gaffigan]

time like do you have what do you have on yours my rider vintage

[Adam Carolla]

car my riders have a fire suit autographed by paul newman yeah i have coffee right because it's that thing where you blow into town sometimes you get lagged and it's like you don't you need a little pep might need a little pep i have water coffee some form of light beer it's usually like miller light i have a bottle of red wine which never gets consumed there you bring it home it's for the hotel okay i like to drink my red wine when i watch my tv in my hotel room watch my tv's euphemism for beat off in the bathroom but i have my bottle of red wine and then i have a vegetable platter just store bought whatever because i'll get scurvy because you'll just be eating shit on the plane eating shit in the house all that stuff and then mike august the guy books it added the oatmeal cookies but the funny thing is the last time we were out the oatmeal cookies had the chunks of cranberry in them and i just thought to myself like i don't like this idea that we add everything to everything and there would never be a scenario where somebody said i ordered oatmeal cookies and where are my cranberry pieces right

[Jim Gaffigan]

well i feel that way like i look at coconut milk or water or milk or whatever it's called and they're like now they have like pomegranate coconut water it's like coconut water mostly tastes like dirty water anyway so like if you're you know it's like are people so into coconut you know it's like i've drank in like ten hundred gallons of coconut water when are they going to come out with a pomegranate coconut water like are we already at that

[Adam Carolla]

phase i done this and been screaming about this with passion fruit iced tea for the last ten years like who fucking decided we like the flavor of ice cream are you that bored with

[Jim Gaffigan]

iced tea you know it's by the

[Adam Carolla]

way iced tea a flavor yeah and it's done right just like coffee is a flavor and it's done right that's my point like when i feel the same way about iced tea as a but plugs like are you that bored of sex right like do you really need something up your ass to enjoy this like i like sex i like iced tea i like coffee and i'll tell you when i'm burnt out on blow jobs and iced tea are there

[Jim Gaffigan]

enough but there's a huge good morning

[Adam Carolla]

team by the way hey blowjobs and i tea back seven forty seven forty top of the hour yeah sorry where were just talking about tea but we're good right talking about tea i mean the adding the stuff we're bored like

[Jim Gaffigan]

we are so like we're we're so bored that we need like tea like people don't even eat mangoes and they're

[Adam Carolla]

making mango tea that's my point and no one even knows what a passion fruit is right i don't think you could find somebody you could lay out a papaya pineapple coconut passion fruit and a mango and you couldn't get your average american to point out the passion fruit i don't know what the fuck they look like there's no passion fruit jello or shampoo or anything obviously we don't like it or we'd have passion fruit pie the fuck do we have the tea for and here is my here's my plea to anyone who's listening who works in any way shape or form in manufacturing any of the shit i talk about your job is not to alter the oatmeal cookies or the iced tea your job is to make the best version of it you can yeah you make the best oatmeal cookie you can but not by adding shit that doesn't belong in an oatmeal cookie

[Jim Gaffigan]

no it's like the granola bar it's not even a granola i mean i used to have a joke about this a long time ago it's like it's not a granola bar it's just like how can we get a lot of chocolate and just call it granola right you know there's it's like the what the granola bar was and what you know i eat like a box of a night is they have nothing in common there's not even granola in there you know it's just chocolate and syrup and salt and

[Adam Carolla]

now it's chewy and it's got a nougaty center and it tastes great and the reason it tastes great is because it's a fucking snickers

[Jim Gaffigan]

bar at this point exactly i mean i even feel that way when i work out i did this as a tweet yesterday which is it's like i'm going to the gym but really i'm just going to watch tv standing up while i slowly move my legs that's all it is and i used to be in shape i used to work out i know that you have to run and get your heart rate up or you can just sit there and watch dog the bounty hunt hunter what

[Adam Carolla]

do you think of this rule jim gaffigan by the way the new digital download out today five bucks and one of those bucks is going to the bob woodruff foundation for the wounded veterans what do you think of this policy i think i can get you on board with this policy because it's happened to me a bunch of times i'm like you at the working house like it's a fucking chore and you're traveling oh it's hard man and you're eating shit and you kind of know it and you're staying up too late drinking too much red wine and you go fuck i got to get to the hotel and i got but the last thing you want to do is work out like you're going to perform in an hour and a half and all your little you just got off the plane and you want to take a nap and then you know and you go it i'm going to go down to the gym and i'm just going to run on a treadmill for twenty minutes and that'll you know and you go down to the gym and there's some chick who's on the treadmill and she she's full stride she's going hard she's that weird age between thirty seven and forty four where women don't get tired they just get all striated and weird and they just run and they don't even look that good but they're in credible shape they're just fucking just running and she's going sixty miles an hour on that thing and then you get on the treadmill next to her and you're going about half her pace and then at some point you realize all right it's been twenty miles minutes and i'm gonna have to get off this thing and she who was on it when i walked into this place is still gonna be on oh yeah my thing is you can run on the treadmill as long as you want once somebody enters and gets on a treadmill you got nineteen and a half minutes and you gotta pull off right there is you can't shame the other person by staying longer yeah well i

[Jim Gaffigan]

mean yeah well there should be there should be some kind of etiquette there about there's people at the gym that like if the gym gym was a bar that people would have said you've you've been here too long you've been over you know you've been overserved yeah

[Adam Carolla]

you need to clear out you got it and my feeling is this you

[Jim Gaffigan]

don't have to oh by the way i'm jealous of them i am too

[Adam Carolla]

well it's the shame that i'm turning inward but that's my thing like i don't say you have to jump off in the next four minutes that would be fair but i'll stay twenty minutes at a slow pace if you would like to go bananas for nineteen minutes that's your business but i need you to hop off this thing before i get off because it's so fucking shaming to have the person running when you got there and still running when you're

[Jim Gaffigan]

leaving yeah it's brutal i think it's also i work out at the y right and there are kids people you know they have kids there it's a yrca and so sometimes i'll be on the trip probably like you know every tenth time i work out i will be just have like a six year old kid just staring at me while i'm working out it's like it's beyond humiliating because to him it's just fascinating to see this out of shape guy try and kind of do this and i'm sitting there trying to i try and give him a stare like don't look at me but they're at that young age where they're like unfazed by it they're like well what are you

[Adam Carolla]

gonna do and you're at that old here's how you know you're getting old one of the many ways you know you're getting a little bit old is when you are jogging on the treadmill mill and at some point you do that move you're like instead of watching dog the bounty hunter on that little screen that's in front of you you do the let me check the clock and see what time it is and you look up and you look down and you get off balance yeah almost me like you you oh yeah turn your head thirty degrees and look up five degrees and all of a sudden you go flying off the back yeah

[Jim Gaffigan]

the treadmill that's you know that's for the active person you know but i've you know you know there's watching other people's like sometimes they'll be like all right i'm not gonna watch tv i'm gonna concentrate on working out and then i just end up watching someone else's tv next to your and they kind of look at you sometimes they look at you like how dare you watch my tv and you're just like i always imagine like if you weren't even on a piece of exercise equipment you're just standing next to someone who's on like an elliptical you're watching their tv

[Adam Carolla]

i feel that way when people get a bit little weird once in a while you ever do a thing where you're like walking down the street and you finish off a carton or something and you just throw it in someone else's trash can and they get oh yeah that's my dealer sir and you're

[Jim Gaffigan]

like they're like excuse me i just

[Adam Carolla]

threw a fucking snapple bottle into your recycling thing is it really is that

[Jim Gaffigan]

an attack i'll leave a dollar yeah

[Adam Carolla]

really really i'm getting a fucking stink eye for throwing it's not like i chucked it at your window no it's absurd i just fucking threw it in your trash can is your trash that calculated that my extra snapple bottle's gonna push you over the edge for this week do you have the exact amount that goes in there every time you've

[Jim Gaffigan]

been on a plane and someone has a newspaper and you're like can i read your newspaper i've had somebody i've asked somebody they read the whole paper and it was like it was the usa today which i feel like no one's ever paid for the usa today it just means that you stayed in a hotel right yes you're and you know so someone had a usa today and i asked the guy i was like can i read your usa today and you'd think i was asking to like stay in his basement for a month he was like and i'm like you know it's not you know it wasn't a book what i know i'm not asking to borrow your ipad i've

[Adam Carolla]

had that guy on the it's a

[Jim Gaffigan]

piece of junk i've had the guy

[Adam Carolla]

on the plane i've that same guy on the plane where you're flying the southwest flight and there's no assigned seats and he's sitting here and and i was traveling with doctor drew and i said there's one guy was sitting alone on one side of the aisle and then drew and i were like spread out i said sir do you mind if we switch seats so i can sit with my partner and i got the huge exhale as he got up you're moving to the exact same seat sixteen inches in front of you really does that come with a big fucking

[Jim Gaffigan]

exhale yeah it's ridiculous put upon well i think people behave that way thinking that there's not going to be any consequences because sometimes i'll because we travel with our kids a lot and people will be rude but what they don't realize is you can be rude and walk away but you're being rude and you're walking like one row up so it's like you're also being rude to somebody that is going to gladly just rub it in your face that's the

[Adam Carolla]

other thing too the guys that are douchey and then i have had a situation once rose on the plane and there's a guy like the open seat and i did the hey man can we swap seats and i could sit next to my wife or doctor drew again and and the guy's like the guy was like no no dude now i was like really we just can't swap scene he's like no sorry no and it was like out of a movie and so there's first thing is is all right so now you have the two pissed off guys me and

[Jim Gaffigan]

doctor drew did he have to like sit in the middle seat no there

[Adam Carolla]

was no there's no excuse there was no like i to need it was just no and so not first off you're going to be on a plane for five hours with two dudes that are just giving you the stink eye and are sitting right next to you or at least in proximity to me and drew and then secondly the world's fattest man walked down the aisle and then sat in the open chair next to him and i just said there you go buddy how do you like that how do you like it now i was like literally mocking him from three seats over i don't again i understand the thing on the road where you honk the horn you go you but you're going the other way and he's going that way but where you're sitting with each other on a plane

[Jim Gaffigan]

it's like bad strategy yeah it's also just it's bad karma it's but then again it's i love it when people like if you're holding a baby believe me i've been on planes you know i'm on planes we're all on you know we're all on planes all the time and there's a baby and there's a little bit like oh no a baby this baby but you know i remember i was holding one of our kids and a baby like eight months months and he cried for like five minutes which is not that much you know it's like obviously he's hungry or something like that and people will look at you like you're unaware that you're holding a baby the parent wouldn't know that the baby's crying they're like just want to let you know that your baby's crying we know we're very conscious of it it's not as if this baby was crying the entire five hours it was just like five minutes just want to let you know i think

[Adam Carolla]

what's going on and i've realized what's happening well it's called being a pussy and what we're trying to do and i see it i see it a lot everybody is trying to get their sort of emotional pound of flesh but what they don't realize is because you have no relationship you'll never see the person again so it's a retarded activity which is all extra explain if you go to vegas to work let's just say you go alone and you go to work but you end up running into some friends from college you have a fucking great time and you eat a big steak and you gamble a little bit and you see a few shows there's a lot of guys who'll come back and their wife will go how was vegas and they'll go don't ask it was so taxing sweetie i'm just glad to be home because it's if they think if they tell their partner i had a great time and i ate a bunch of good food and i hung out the partner's gonna go oh okay you had fun so now you owe me or i get to do it next time or that element that's why all guys are sort of trained to go oh i've had a hard day at work oh don't ask oh it was so miserable even the shit that's supposed to sound like fun you just go it turned out not to be that fun because there's this part where it's like so when the guy gets up out of the chair to switch seats on the southwest flight flight and he gives a he's doing what he would do to his wife except for he's doing it to a dude who's never gonna see him again so he doesn't give a fuck it's not like we're gonna run into each other in another year and he's gonna need to borrow money from me and go hey remember that south but now if he pops up and goes no problemo then there's no currency then there's nothing to it if he pops

[Jim Gaffigan]

up and he says no problemo you're probably like this guy's probably a crazy guy christian you know like because there is this mentality of no you know which which exists but i think you know i don't know i mean it's like i know air travel is just absurd but absurdly kind of like a cliche but i don't know i i don't think anyone's happy on the plane you know it's like the flight attendants you know they a lot of them it's like they're like i put in twenty five years and i literally have no retirement so it's like i would be i would be pissed too and it's like the pilot's like i'm sleeping in my car i'm just gonna get you there it's kind of like you know like just everyone's sleep deprived and then everyone that's traveling is tired and they're like you know they have to pay forty dollars to check their bag and yes they have to so it's like everyone's in a bad mood it's

[Adam Carolla]

just yeah it's brutal that's true everyone and the tsa put everyone in a bad mood like yeah pre set us in a bad mood because we had to take our shoes off and our belts off and scan our kids jim gaffigan by the way as i've said before and let's support jim because this is an interesting experiment if it works maybe we'll do one i'll call my one hour special mailing it in with adam carolla they have an exclusive jim has an exclusive release it's a digital download it is out today and a buck of that it's only five bucks it's going to the wounded veterans jim this has been a little slice of heaven jim gaffigan dot com is where you go for the website and the

[Jim Gaffigan]

twitter jim gaffigan makes sense i love the twitter you had one of the best twitters i did yeah really i remember it was about yogi bear and it was was like take that pixar you know it was something about do

[Adam Carolla]

you remember it no i have no idea sure it was me yeah it was you i said yo it was

[Jim Gaffigan]

you no it was something about like how about an old cartoon that no one's interested in and you know no one would want to see and we'll do that take that pixar it was kind of a really funny juxtaposition i

[Adam Carolla]

i was pissed off probably because all we do is take land of the lost and yogi bear and you know the scooby doo and we take shitty ideas from forty years ago and try to make them into movies now whereas pixar takes fresh ideas and makes great movies out of it all right jim gaffigan thank you very much thanks that

[Allison Rosen]

was awesome wasn't it that was thanks for not including us i've never seen

[Adam Carolla]

better i'm always so good when you guys aren't here you know you know who else is good stamps dot com yeah they are yes if you're running a business baby you need stamps dot com if you're not running a business guess what you need stamp dot com that's right you got you're going online you're selling online you don't want to go to the post office get in line oh such a pain in the butt you're online is too valuable listen i don't care who you are i don't care if you're in prison your time is too valuable if you're in

[Allison Rosen]

prison especially you don't want to be

[Adam Carolla]

going to the post office no i mean why just to see your picture yes and then going i look bloated that's right yeah you don't want that

[Allison Rosen]

if you're running from the law post office is not the place to be

[Adam Carolla]

that's right so if you're incarcerated or you have your own business or you don't have your own business stamps dot com it prints official us postage and you can do it right on your own computer stamps dot com even give you the digital scale you get the exact postage no matter what you're sending you hook it up to your computer and pow it just comes out there every once in a while if your letter is too fat it says tilt

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

can't move it that's right special offer no risk trial the offer includes a digital scale and fifty five bucks free postage only if you enter adam go to stamps dot com comma click on the microphone at the top of the homep type in adam that is stamps dot com promo code adam and before we leave autoshepard dot com auto shepherd good guys good sponsors they bring donuts and you know what they're such gentlemen they always park on the street they don't clog up the parking lot here they got a deal oh man on champion spark plugs beautiful champion spark plugs fifteen percent off champion spark plug i

[Allison Rosen]

would buy them and not even put

[Adam Carolla]

them in my car oh you make a mobile you know what i made out of them a dream catcher ooh

[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

ever since then yeah stock up they don't come cheap and they ain't coming this cheap again champion champion spark plugs at auto shepherd auto shepherd baby good guys good sponsors and again again let's not go to the pep boys and get stabbed or just get the stink eye from the felon behind the counter let's go to otto shepherd autoshepard dot com all right i want to thank jim gaffigan for coming in here i want to thank allison rosen and of course paul brian until next time this is adam carolla saying mahalo who took the cookies from from the cookie jar the answer is who gives a all

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

right that's adam krilla show seven hundred and seventy seven from twenty twelve that does it for today's cruel classics make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment until then mahalo and get

[Darun Ravi]

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[Adam Carolla]

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