Best of Beat It Out Part 2 with Jay Mohr and Dustin Ybarra

Summary

Adam Carolla Show
Best of Beat It Out Part 2 with Jay Mohr and Dustin Ybarra
Release Date: October 14, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a rollicking “Best of” compilation, featuring comedic banter and “bit-beating” sessions (“Beat It Out”) with Jay Mohr and Dustin Ybarra. The panel delves into a signature mix of absurd ideas, dark social humor, and riffs on pop culture, poking fun at contemporary topics—from political assassinations and the use of “attack crows” for security, to the social meaning of banana bread, pet medication jokes, and the mythology of McDonald’s mascots. As always, Adam Carolla leads with his sharp, unfiltered takes, complemented by Jay’s quick wit and Dustin’s offbeat observations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Event Security in the Age of Political Violence (00:00–15:53)

• Discussion of outdoor-event safety after recent political violence (Charlie Kirk assassination, Trump’s attempted assassination, etc.).
• Concerns about speakers like Ben Shapiro at public venues and the risks they now face.
  • Adam: “Should Trump speak outdoors anymore? Should JD Vance or any prominent politician? Trump got shot in the ear... Charlie Kirk, we all heard what happened to him...” (02:19)
• Dark humor about “problematic roofs” for assassins, leading to Carolla’s signature “attack crows” idea.

“We gotta get rid of the roofs. But the problem is there's more rain than there is assassins.”
— Adam Carolla (02:51)

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2. Adam’s “Attack Crow” Theory (03:00–21:07)

• Carolla doubles down on his longstanding campaign: training attack crows for security against shooters.

  • Crows' intelligence, loyalty, facial recognition skills, and ubiquity make them ideal.
  • Crows have been observed using tools, recognizing faces, and defending “friends.”
  • Adam: “They’ve trained crows to pick up cigarette butts at the park. When they drop them off in a thing, they get a kernel of corn. Crows are loyal...” (06:13)

• Jay Mohr plays along, joking about crows being apolitical and easily trained.

  • “The best part of the crow... Crows are apolitical. They don't give a shit. You're on a roof, you're getting hit.” (10:54)

• Proposed details for implementation:

  • Crows as rooftop sentinels at events.
  • “Diamond” hats for law enforcement as crow ID.
  • Potential for attack crows in crime scenarios.

“Anybody on a roof is getting hit in this facility by my one crow... You crawl up on the roof, you get fucking hit with what? You get hit with the crow.”
— Adam Carolla (08:57–09:09)

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3. Attack Crows Versus Police Dogs (15:56–18:02)

• Cost-benefit analysis: crows are cheaper, meaner, and more ubiquitous than K-9 units.
• Jay jokes: “Crows don’t shed. Crows’ hips don’t go bad.”
• Adam notes, “Crows are a dime a dozen. They're mean and they’re black.” (15:57)

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4. Ozempic for Dogs and Pet Medication Bits (24:01–30:06)

• Jay and Adam riff on the absurd concept of Ozempic (and Mounjaro) weight-loss drugs for dogs.
  • Adam: “The dog doesn’t know. The dog just sits there and, like, a meatball rolls off the table. And the dog just looks at it and goes, I don't know. I'm good.” (25:57)
  • Jokes about raccoon accomplices and depressed pets with “Ozempic face.”
  • Jay: “Did I ever tell you what my biggest side effect of Manjaro is? I don’t have sex with a shirt on laying on my side anymore.” (27:50)

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5. The Banana Bread Theory & Food Observations (51:22–64:33)

• Dustin Ybarra’s banana bread premise ignites a cascade of material.
  • The social role of banana bread as an edible solution for overripe bananas.
  • Adam: “If anyone’s ever given you banana bread, they don’t love you... they just had too many bananas.” (53:13)
  • Banana bread arrives unbidden, like “a brick of cocaine,” and is “just calorie-dense cake called 'bread' for the alliteration.”
  • “Banana bread proclamations” as a relationship litmus test: if your partner says she’ll make banana bread and does, keeper; if not, “bananas in the trash.”

“Banana bread is essentially cake you put butter on, which you want to talk about weight gain...”
— Adam Carolla (61:06)

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6. Grocery Shopping and Manliness (64:33–69:30)

• Discussion about the joys and pitfalls of “real” grocery shopping vs. Instacart mishaps.
• The “I got this” guy at the grocery store likened to over-confident mattress-haulers on the highway.
• Insight: “It’s either tripled redundancy or... I got this. There’s no just the right amount of tie down. No, it’s feast or famine.” (69:06)

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7. McDonald’s Characters & Stolen Valor (41:22–47:01)

• Carolla’s “McDonald’s is my Vietnam” premise: comparing his work at McDonald’s to a tour in Vietnam.
  • “Left a lot of good men behind. When I transferred to the Encino location…” (42:48)
• Discussion of Ronald McDonald, Grimace (“a giant taste bud”) and other mascots’ origins and oddities.
  • “Grimace just looked like a big purple shit emoji who's always in pain.” (44:38)
  • Jay on uniforms: “The uniforms look like that so you’ll never leave in the middle of your shift. I’m out of here... I can't go anywhere, I look like a pumpkin.” (43:19)

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8. Professional Piano Tuner Scam (81:06–87:02)

• Adam details his gag of putting a fake “Professional Piano Tuner” sign on a car.
• The goal was to gain neighborhood esteem and “look like a winner with a Steinway.”
• Jay notes the backfire: “They think you’re the piano tuner because the car’s always in front of your house.” (84:10)

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9. “King of the Dogs” and Comedy Roasts (87:33–94:45)

• Panel details the “saddest walk-off home run” story by “King of the Dogs”—really a walk-off single due to an error, told with zero flair.
• Jay and Adam improvise alternate “Joe Pesci” versions, then transition into trading roast jokes.
• Chuck’s performance gets roasted: “He’s so out of shape, he doesn’t like jerking off. He just likes when he’s finished.” (94:39)

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10. Santa Claus vs. The Government / International Perspective (95:09–96:14)

• Jay recounts a Chinese exchange student’s confusion over Santa Claus, declaring, “No, the government bring the presents.” (96:08)
• Adam responds: “Sad. I bet you learn that early and often in China.” (96:14)

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Notable Quotes & Exchanges

“Should Trump speak outdoors anymore? Trump got out there... got shot in the ear. Charlie Kirk, we all heard what happened to him now.”
— Adam Carolla (02:19)

“I have said for over 25 years, we must train attack crows...”
— Adam Carolla (03:00)

“If a young girl helps a crow, if you befriend a crow, they will bring you trinkets...”
— Adam Carolla (06:13)

“You crawl up on the roof, you get fucking hit with the crow.”
— Adam Carolla (09:09)

“Crows don’t shed, crows’ hips don’t go bad.”
— Jay Mohr (16:57)

“Banana bread... it's the human equivalent of, like, anyone has a dog and they knock something off the table and it lands on the ground... you have to convince the dog you did it on purpose.”
— Adam Carolla (53:13)

“Banana bread is essentially cake you put butter on.”
— Adam Carolla (61:06)

“I wore the uniform. At the... Kamala Harris is trying stolen valor. She never wore the uniform.”
— Adam Carolla (46:54)

“Should have told him: Hey, Joe Sixpack. Beat it. I don't tune Casios, bro.”
— Adam Carolla (85:54)

“[On Santa]... the Chinese exchange student says, and I quote, ‘No. The government bring the presents.’”
— Jay Mohr (96:08)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–03:00 — News events and safety at outdoor political events
• 03:00–21:07 — Adam Carolla's “attack crows” security theory
• 24:01–30:06 — Ozempic for dogs, pet medication jokes
• 41:22–47:01 — McDonald’s as Vietnam for suburban youth, mascot deep-dive
• 51:22–64:33 — Banana bread: social phenomenon and jokes
• 64:33–69:30 — Grocery shopping, manliness, and loading strategy
• 81:06–87:02 — “Professional Piano Tuner” bit and neighborhood status
• 87:33–94:45 — Comedy roast battle with “King of the Dogs”
• 95:09–96:14 — Santa Claus vs. The Government in China

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Memorable Moments

• Adam’s detailed, pseudo-serious pitch for “attack crows” as a universal solution for shootings and event security.
• Running roast jokes across the group, peaking with “You look like an Adam Carolla Funko Pop.”
• The banana bread segment, dissecting how it always appears as a solution to old fruit and what that means about relationships and food culture.
• Jay’s story about the Chinese exchange student learning about Santa Claus.
• Dustin Ybarra delivering deadpan on the banana bread premise, with Adam riffing into ever-darker and more personal territory.
• Jay riffing: “Crows are apolitical... They don’t give a shit” – as a proxy for security.
• The “McDonald’s is my Vietnam” analogy, mining nostalgia and generational malaise for laughs.

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Summary:
This “Best of Beat It Out” episode captures the Adam Carolla Show’s richly irreverent blend of social commentary, absurdist solutions for contemporary problems (attack crows for security), personal anecdotes, and crowd-work comedy. The palpable chemistry between Adam, Jay, and Dustin keeps the conversation spontaneous and delightfully unpredictable, with each riff or premise escalating into a multilayered bit. Fans of Adam’s endlessly inventive, off-kilter takes—and those who enjoy seeing comedy writing in action—will find this episode a quintessential example of the show’s enduring appeal.**

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's check out the Best to Beat it out with Jay Moore and Dustin Ybarra. Very funny. And you can check us out also on Substack Betonline. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Football season is in full swing and there's no better place to get in on the action than betonline, your number one source for all things football. Betonline gives you more ways to play with the latest odds, breaking news, live scores, and even in game betting. So you never miss out on a moment from every NFL and college game and matchup. Betonline is your place for all things football. And if you love MLB or UFC or NHL, anything with letters in it, futures, even Betonline keeps you locked into the action all year long. And don't Forget the BETOnline VIP program with exclusive level up bonuses, weekly cash boosts and rewards design for serious players. Head to Betonline today. That's Betonline. The game starts here. How do you take a joke from the page to the stage? Adam Carolla and Jay Moore, beat it out. There's lots of discussion after the assassination of Charlie Kirk about will these guys be able to play outdoor venues anymore? Could Ben Shapiro go to a college campus and play an outdoor Ben Shapiro venue? Right.

[Chuck]

I speak very high and very fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Ben Shapiro, would he be in danger? I don't think what a conversation it would be. It's sad, but it wouldn't be prudent for Ben Shapiro and there's handfuls of others to go onto a college campus.

[Jay Moore]

Well, he's got the double whammy, being right wing and Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So that's two reasons to get shot in today's society. So, okay, so then the other people say, well, you gotta carry on and you can't back down to the fear and so on and so forth. But then you have a realistic, I mean, should Trump speak outdoors anymore? Should JD Vance should or any prominent politician? And you could make an argument that, no, I mean, Trump got out there, had that guy up on the roof and got shot in the ear. And Charlie Kirk, we all heard what happened to him now, but it sounds.

[Jay Moore]

Like the problem is roofs.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Jay Moore]

We get rid of the roofs.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta get rid of the roofs. But the problem is there's more rain than there is assassins.

[Jay Moore]

Not lately.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, lately it's about even. But what I'm saying is it's still. It provides shelter. All right, now listen to me, Jay Moore, and listen to me, everyone. And I've been saying This I realize for over 25 years, and I'm really just gonna break it down as much as I can break it down. I have said for over 25 years, we must train, attack crows. Now everyone looks at me and goes, what are you talking about? Okay, first things first. We, historically, as a culture and a civilization, use animals quite frequently for war and law enforcement and transportation and everything. Somewhere in New York, there's a cop on a horse right now walking around patrolling. Yes. And there's a cop next to him in a squad car. And it says canine on it, and there's a fucking dog in the back of it. We use animals for stuff. Like, we use them to police dogs go after guys all the time and so on and so forth. So first off, it's not, like, insane to use an animal. There was the cavalry in the war. Even In World War I, we had cavalry, stuff like that. Yes. All right, I'm gonna give you. I'll give you a piece of paper, okay? So write those thoughts out. Hear me out here. Hear me out a. We use animals. We use animals all the time for tons of stuff. We use dogs sniffing out gunpowder at the airport and backyard fruit and everything. The military even tried to use dolphins to like. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a movie.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. Was it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Jaws.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Day of the Dolphin Flash dance.

[Jay Moore]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Jay Moore]

Keep going. You're on a roll here.

[Adam Carolla]

There was Day of the Dolphin and Day of the Jackal. And jackal's an animal, but he was an assassin.

[Jay Moore]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, a dolphin's just a gay shark, so we use animals. Okay. We've established that number two, crows are the smartest animal out there. They use tools to accomplish things. They literally do. Tool. They use tools. If you take a grub and put it in the middle of the. Of a clear tube that's like 2.

[Jay Moore]

Foot wide, they go right into their box. They take out an all.

[Adam Carolla]

They take out an all.

[Jay Moore]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Or punch or nail set. Most people don't know the difference between an all. A punch and a nail set of JJ Bananas. This guy does. This guy does it. All right? They. You. They'll get a stick, and they'll push it through the hole in the tube, and they'll push the grub out the other side and they'll eat it. Like, they stack. There's tons of footage of crows, like, stacking up blocks and putting them. Put the square peg in the round hole and the round hole. They solve puzzles. They use.

[Jay Moore]

You might be the only one that's ever seen this footage, but I'M listening.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you? How dare you?

[Jay Moore]

You're on a roll.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all over the Internet. Also, crows are wildly loyal. If a young girl, like, helps a crow or saves a crow, if you befriend a crow, they will bring you trinkets. Like they will. If they'll go out, they'll find jewelry or ring or anything shiny. This guy trained a crow to find cash. The guy comes back with cash that people drop getting into the subway or on the park or whatever that is. They train crows to pick up cigarette butts at the park, clean them up, drop them off in a thing. When they drop them off a thing, they get a kernel of corn. Crows are. They're loyal. You befriend them. There's stories of, like, little girl saving a little baby crow. The crow was different. She's walking to school. The bully starts harassing her. The crow slides in and fucks up the bully. That's what crows do. Super loyal. When they do studies on crows in Stanford, they have to wear masks. The scientists have to wear masks to collect the eggs of the crows because. Because the crows not only recognize the face of the scientists who took their eggs, but they spread it through the crow community. And the other crows understand. And then at the end of the day, we. When this scientist walks out into the parking lot to get in his car, he gets attacked.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, that's that motherfucker that stole my eggs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what crows sound like.

[King of the Dogs]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Get his ass. Punk ass mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So they go after him. All right, so crows are super smart. You know what?

[Jay Moore]

The crows are outside.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

West side, east side, they're outside, outside.

[Adam Carolla]

They're loyal. They can use tools.

[Jay Moore]

Recognizing faces is great for when you check in to the event instead of having a key fob or a digital ticket, just look the crow in the eye and they catalog who's at the event. So how many people do you think a crow. How many crows are gonna be needed for a 3,000 person?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here's how many crows. One fucking crow. One crow, which is this crow. And they can train them to do anything. Like I said, they'll pick up cigarette butts at the park. It's not like they smoke or they like nicotine or cork filters. They just can train them to do anything. You know that, Jay?

[Jay Moore]

Just cork filter.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. They can be trained to do anything. Are you ready?

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Anybody on a roof is getting hit in this facility by my one crow. You crawl up on the roof, you get fucking hit with what?

[Jay Moore]

What are they Getting hit with.

[Adam Carolla]

You get hit with the crow.

[Jay Moore]

This beak and his talents.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think there's such a thing as a spindly 22 year old punk climbing up the ladder and getting on a roof and walking across the roof and laying down in a prone position in a sniper's position and getting a shot off with a fucking crow hitting him in the head?

[Jay Moore]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's undoable. Plus, we would know the person was up there because the fucking crow. What sound right? A humbug? C, A W. Yeah, this is a car. You'd look up and go, the fuck is so and so on the roof? Because a fucking crow down attack crows. I've been saying this for 25 fucking years. People like, well, we're short staffed, we don't have enough security or we can't do out. First off, the attack crow would have worked at Butler with Trump. We'd have that fireman who'd still be alive today because that kid would climb up on the roof and the fucking crow would just go, fucking hit him.

[Jay Moore]

You know, I love this idea and I think it's implementable. You're all about solutions, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. First off, crows are ubiquitous. They're all over the fucking place. They're not white rhinos or something. I go to my neighborhood, I see 2,000 crows. They're all over the fucking place. They're super trainable.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're fucking mean. And they will hit you in the head. And when you're on a roof and a crow's hitting you in the head, there's no, I'm going to ignore this crow and set up and get my shot off and wait for Trump to hit the stage. No, no. We know immediately you're gone. All you can do is run out.

[Jay Moore]

The best part of the crow. Crows are apolitical.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Jay Moore]

They don't give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they don't care. You're on a roof, you're getting hit right now. People say, well, then what about if you have snipers on the roof who are law enforcement, you know, dress them like crows. No, no. Oh, I mean, I like where your head's at.

[Jay Moore]

Thanks, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I would argue we're not going to need those guys on the roof if we got the crow. The crows unlimited. It's not like 10 stories, five stories. Oh, the pitch is too steep for the guard to get up on the. No, they don't care about pitch. They don't care about height. They don't care about any of that shit. They'll hit anyone who's on the roof. But you want to keep going. I'm going to keep going here. I could train this crow. The crow recognizes faces, right? The crow would know. The crow knows when the girls walk into school. The crow knows the difference between his friend and the bully and attacks the bully. Right?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The crow we could train. You could get like a baseball cap that just had like a rainbow tape diamond on top of it. And if you're in secret service or you work for government or you're in law enforcement, you put the hat on with the rainbow tape diamond, the crow won't fuck with you. Yeah, you could walk around, you could get up on the roof. The crow knows. Do not fuck with the diamond guy. You can teach them all this shit. Where's my crow videos, Andrew? Or is this screen down here not on? Oh, maybe.

[Jay Moore]

Here we go. Here comes the man with the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can find them using tools. You can find them returning cash. You can find them protecting kids. You can find them singing when a Russian guy's playing the flute.

[Jay Moore]

Good looking crow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're all good looking.

[Jay Moore]

Cigarette butt, cork filter.

[Chuck]

Cork filter.

[Jay Moore]

Got me. You never know what's going to get me.

[Adam Carolla]

They use. They use crows to do stuff. By the way, it's not even abuse of the crow. He trained them to pick up cigarette butts. I wish we had a video that had. That had audio.

[Jay Moore]

This gives a positive spin on the expression bird brain.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, well, maybe there's one where people talk. Andrew, call me. You know, I like the reading part, but all right. They use tools, they recognize people. They're fucking mean as hell.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I've seen them fuck up hawks a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

A crow comes at your head, there's nothing you can do.

[Jay Moore]

You see, when like two crows tell a hawk to get fucked, oh, they'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Go after like, only one will go after, like an eagle and shit. And it's not just assassin's roof speaking outdoor engagements. When there's a fucking criminal at the end of the street and he's holding a machete and he's swinging it around and the cops are surround. Send in the crows.

[Jay Moore]

Gold in my ear once said, send in the crows.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And when the antifa assholes are showing up and they're throwing rocks at the ice cops.

[Jay Moore]

What is antifa? Is that an acronym?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's anti. Sorry, Fascism. Fascism.

[Jay Moore]

And what's the A?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't know.

[Jay Moore]

Is that a thing? Like, are there members of antifa? Because I don't. I'VE never met anybody even. Is that a real thing or is.

[Adam Carolla]

That like a. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Have you ever met a member of Antifa?

[Adam Carolla]

There's one in my car.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, okay. Right now. He's in the back of your car.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in the booth. No, no. Trying to think of the Asian journalist who basically got concussed and almost beaten to death by these guys. Andrew. Andrew. Andy. No. Yeah. Ngo. Andy. No. Yeah, he was. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Antifa's a big group. I mean, they're more like Portland and Seattle and stuff like that, but they just show up. They're just kind of anarchists, really. They just show up black and beat.

[Jay Moore]

Everyone on the head with your crow. I'm gonna double down on production.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, one second. And then add on.

[Jay Moore]

Let's do it with you. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Then add on. Yeah. Yeah. We're literally sitting around debating whether we can have outdoor concerts, shows, speaking, and where do I. We're one fucking crow away from achieving this. It's one crow.

[Jay Moore]

Well, you're gonna need a crow.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie Kirk. Okay, two crows. One in the bullpen, one on deck, one out in the batter's box. Charlie Kirk would be alive. Trump wouldn't have got shot in the ear and could have been dead. One fucking crow.

[Jay Moore]

Minnesota. Minnesota Senators would be alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're in their house.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, Jesus Christ. That's creepy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so I'm gonna keep a crowb on my.

[Jay Moore]

On my nightstand.

[Adam Carolla]

But Scalise, who got shot up at the baseball game several years ago. Yeah, Crow would have fixed that. We use dogs liberally, by the way. Let's just say the crow. Let's just say the machete wielding maniac was attacked by the crowd, or multiple crows and somehow swung and got one of them with the thing. What's a greater loss? A crow or German shepherd? Because German shepherds get shot all the time and they go after the crazed guy, you know, running from the cops or whatever. German shepherd's a big, beautiful, smart dog. Crows are ubiquitous. They're a dime a dozen. They're mean and they're black.

[Jay Moore]

But after what you said, it seems like the crow is a much more valuable loss. I never saw German shepherd picking up cigarette butts.

[Adam Carolla]

The crow is the crow. There's many more of them. Yeah, and your kid wouldn't snuggle with them at night.

[Jay Moore]

Crows don't shed crows. Hips don't go bad.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to clean up their shit everywhere. Like a German shepherd.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I'm on the street.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, what's it cost in a canine unit like in New York? I'll bet you one of those fucking German shepherds costs 65 grand a year to keep groomed and kept after and taken care of and trained and all that. I mean, that's an expensive item right there. Probably gets paid more than a schoolteacher.

[Jay Moore]

And he's always ranked higher than his handler. So the handler has an obligation to protect it. And that's a bit I did when I performed for the military. I'm like, in the Navy, the dog has a higher, you know, ranking. So the Navy's the only place you ever could see your superior officer lick his balls. And they were like, ah, but you got to work clean in front of the family.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a vid of what a.

[Jay Moore]

Crow doing a nice little yard upstate New York looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, the crow hates his ex wife.

[Adam Carolla]

That's phenomenal. Crow will fuck you up and it's death from the skies. It drops down from the sky. Okay, so let's just say this shooter at Butler or Charlie Kirk's assassin, you start climbing up. The second you land on that roof, the crow just sees you and just fucking flies off. Now what's the crow doing? Well, the crow's just sitting up on a perch. He'd go to the highest perch, you know, I mean, he finds the highest roof and he just sits there. Sits there. Could be on the parapet that's on the edge of the roof, or it could be at the top of the roof and he's going to the ridge rafter up there. Uh huh. He could stand there and he sees somebody's up on the roof and he's fucking. There's no amount of turf he couldn't cover, Right, that didn't cover 500 yards in two seconds.

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Drops down one wax the guy in the head. All you can do, by the way, is run and flail your arms above your head. There's no squeezing off a kill shot with a crow.

[Jay Moore]

Can't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't even get set up is what I'm saying. You have to immediately exit the roof. And security down on the ground would go, what the fuck is Ernie the crow doing over there? And then they'd go, somebody's on that roof. And then they would go, it's easy, it's doable, it's trainable. We all, we do it. We have thousands of dogs. Every fucking airport has a dog. Every cop municipality has 10 dogs. What the fuck? Attack crows. 25 years I've been yelling about this. We won't do it. Nobody's ever done it. No one says a word about it. It would stop school shootings. You could do it with school shoots. You could do with all mass shootings. Tacros in the Costco. Just fucking sitting up on the rafters in a Costco. You come out there, next thing you know, Goth kid pulls out his gun. Fucking soon as he sees that first Shire, first shot fire, that gun comes out. Fucking crow on the head.

[Jay Moore]

Go with your gut. Or the first shire.

[Adam Carolla]

Fought first Shire.

[Jay Moore]

That's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

First tire, either one. Friar Tuck hit by the fucking head. The fucking everywhere. Synagogues, churches, all schools. Auditoriums all have the fucking crows. Everyone's got your fucking attack crows. You can't come into that building, pull out a gun, hold it out without getting hit by a crow.

[Jay Moore]

I think you nailed it when you said they were ubiquitous.

[Adam Carolla]

Ubiquitous. There's these hats, Yakubus.

[Jay Moore]

They're ubiquitous.

[Adam Carolla]

Ubiquitous.

[Jay Moore]

Crows are great.

[Adam Carolla]

The great ubiquiti.

[Jay Moore]

Unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me what's not going to work about this idea. What's not going to work? A fucking Charlie Kirk would be alive. I've been yelling about this for 25 years. Ben Shapiro. You want to go play amphitheaters on college campuses, fine. You're one crow away.

[Jay Moore]

Ben Shapiro. Like, why don't you get in touch with Ben Shapiro as he seems like you're right up your alley. You probably have his number, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's so weird? Life is a weird thing. I've never. I know Ben Shapiro and I know him well. Ish. You know, And I've never reached out to Ben Shapiro and I've never now sent him a text. I've never seen his life. I literally, last night at 10 o', clock, I was listening to a tribute he did for Charlie Kirk. And it was so beautiful that I said, adam, would you text him and tell him it was beautiful, his tribute to Charlie Kirk? And I went, yes, I should do that. And I pulled my phone out and I went, all right, I'm gonna send Ben Shapiro a note, tell him. And I put his name in. I don't have his number, but that was 12 hours ago. I look for it, we have it somewhere. Or maybe I do have it. Or I can get hold of Ben Shapiro.

[Jay Moore]

King of dogs has it.

[Adam Carolla]

The king of the dogs has Shapiro's number?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, they are in the same. They're in a trivia league.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're in the same tribe, I think.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, he's not circumcised. That fucking animal over there.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he is.

[Jay Moore]

We know Ben is.

[Adam Carolla]

He is Morgan and Morgan. There's a reason why Tom Brady's got seven rings. Yep. Just like there's a reason Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. Over 20 billion recovered for more than 500,000 clients. That's not a slogan. That's results, baby. In one Florida case, insurance offered 350k. The client walked away with 12 million. I'd say it's an upgrade. So they've been doing this for 35 years. Fighting for the people. Morgan and Morgan. America's largest injury law firm. For the people. Not the powerful, the people. Am I right, Dawson? Hiring the wrong firm can be disastrous. Hiring the right firm could substantially increase your settlement with Morgan and Morgan. It's easy to get started and their fee is free. Unless they win. Just visit forthepeople.com Adam or dial pound law. £529 that's for the people.com Adam or dial pound law pound 529. This is a paid advertisement.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Jay Moore]

Something in the blood.

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[Jay Moore]

Walking around. My sponsor has Covid. And then Saturday I wake up and I'm walking around. My feet hurt, my calves are starting to get achy, my Achilles, my hamstrings, my lower back. And I'm like, oh shit. The new Skechers I bought online, they're Shape Ups.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really? Yeah, they work you out.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. When you walk Old lady workout. Like I took one off and set it on the ground. It rocked back and forth like a rocking chair. And I'm like, I was real happy I don't have Covid. But I was also a little sad. I was a retard and I didn't know that I was walking in clip clop Fucking Kev muscle shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Skechers are funny because the conceit and I think we learned this all from the Croc phenomenon is we're now too lazy to tie shoes.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like we look at that as a waste of time and it's too far away from our hands. And we're now at a point where the food, fast food shows up at your house. My kids order fast food to be brought to Their home. And you can't tie your own shoes. It's all. And you know, every. There's Ozempic for dogs. I'm trying to work that bit out.

[Jay Moore]

My Pomeranian needs it.

[Adam Carolla]

She's really.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, she's a poker.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's. I need help. I need Ozempic for dogs. It's a bit I've been trying to do on stage the last couple times. Here's the concept with the Ozempic for dogs, okay? People. There is side effects. And people know they're on Ozempic. So when they get diarrhea or they lose their libido or whatever it is, they understand they're on Ozempic. The dog doesn't know. The dog just sits there and, like, a meatball rolls off the table. And the dog just looks at it and goes, I don't know.

[Jay Moore]

I can't even.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm good. And then the cat comes up and is like, rex, what's wrong with you? The old Rex would have dove on that meatball and he's like, yeah, so.

[Jay Moore]

The cat's a good friend.

[Adam Carolla]

The cat's a friend.

[Jay Moore]

He's a real deal dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's seen the changes.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. What's going on with you?

[Adam Carolla]

No one knows why. And Rex, like, I don't even. You know, I can't even tell you the last time I humped a throw pillow. Yeah, my fur's falling out.

[Jay Moore]

You know, I'm on Mounjaro.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Jay Moore]

And the cats say that like, norm, you know, I'm on Mounjaro.

[Adam Carolla]

The cat's like, yeah, but you're looking good. You know what I mean? They're like, yeah, but what's it worth if I don't dive on a meatball?

[Jay Moore]

That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

And now the dog's in there because the dog doesn't know. All he knows is he no longer cares about meatballs. And then the dog commits suicide.

[Jay Moore]

It's always funny.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always funny. People love it when the dog commits suicide.

[Jay Moore]

You just hear a little stool hit the ground. He just hangs himself somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

I had him running in front of a mail truck, but, yeah, he could hang himself. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Then you get cheated out of the.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you need opposable thumbs, though, to really work the noose tie.

[Jay Moore]

That's the mysteries. Who helped him?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know, he probably has a raccoon friend.

[Jay Moore]

Those guys fucking do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Those guys will do anything.

[Jay Moore]

I love them.

[Adam Carolla]

They got little hands.

[Jay Moore]

They almost have opposable dinners.

[Adam Carolla]

They have, like, noose tying Hands. I know. It's been said many times.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

I want all cartoons of the gallows man being a wrecker.

[Adam Carolla]

You want him to hang himself.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. Cause you get to hear that when.

[Adam Carolla]

The chair kicks out, the owner opens the closet door and just sees him hanging. No, no. I told you not to put him on Manjaro. And then we treat it like they did with sex change. You go, would you rather have a living daughter or a dead son? Like, would you rather have a morbidly obese dog?

[Jay Moore]

You'd rather a fat, alive dog or a dead skinny one?

[Adam Carolla]

Or dead skinny one who took his own life.

[Jay Moore]

Did I ever tell you what my biggest side effect of Manjaro is? I don't have sex with a shirt on laying on my side anymore. Mmm. I no longer have my back to the mirror, laying on my side.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the biggest side effect when you're.

[Jay Moore]

Fake stretching at football practice.

[Adam Carolla]

Herder stride.

[Jay Moore]

You get the one leg out, the one leg behind you, and you got one elbow down, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm stretching. Whatever. Resting. Stretching. Yeah. I looked up the side effects for the Ozempic was. Let's see, it was diarrhea, nausea.

[Jay Moore]

I had blocks in me. Like, when I took a shit, it was like a football made up of pebbles.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me close my eyes for a second.

[Jay Moore]

All right, hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm trying to work out Ozempic for dogs.

[Jay Moore]

I think Chewie, Dustin Ybarra, that seems like he'd have 14 tags on site.

[Adam Carolla]

Should talk to him about that. Yeah. To me, the concept is the dog doesn't know he's on it. And so the side effects to him are not side effects. That's life. And he eventually hangs himself. You're right. He should hang himself.

[Jay Moore]

But I love the raccoon coming in.

[Adam Carolla]

The raccoon ties the noose, but the raccoon has seen the changes as well. You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

But the raccoon likes it. Cause he wants. He wants the dogs. They always have ulterior motives, these raccoons.

[Adam Carolla]

They live in dumpsters. They're not stupid.

[Jay Moore]

I like those guys. My grandfather used to feed him cookies out of screen door in the back.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

And he would just reach out with.

[Adam Carolla]

When I lived in Lock Crest Rock, when I rented my house in La Crescento, I had one that would just come in the backyard, and you'd just like hand it dog kibble. And it would just take the dog kibble and just eat it. You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

They got hands like Chris Rock.

[Adam Carolla]

They're noose tying hands.

[Jay Moore]

They got long thin fingers. I'm obsessed with this now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're with me in that Chris Rock specials would go from one hour to 21 minutes if he didn't set up every joke four times. I noticed that. Dogs taking Ozempic.

[Jay Moore]

What else is going on, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Taken.

[Jay Moore]

Shit is crazy, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Dogs are no zipping.

[Chuck]

Dogs are on Ozemping. What?

[Jay Moore]

I. You know, I noticed that with the one where he did it in three different cities.

[Adam Carolla]

And they kept.

[Jay Moore]

I was like, wow, he's setting up a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

You get rid of the setups. You keep it to one setup, you got a 22 minute special.

[Jay Moore]

What else is going on? The world is crazy. The world is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's another concept I'm trying to work out.

[Jay Moore]

Dog Chewie better get back to me. You know where he is right now? He's in the fucking first class lounge. Flying to Montreal to do Ghost with Utkarsh.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, he's regular on that show now.

[Adam Carolla]

His kids poppin the Ghost Show.

[Jay Moore]

Ghost on cbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Ghost.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that Ghost.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's cool.

[Jay Moore]

He plays a stoner chef.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect. Like say perfect. Yeah, it's perfect.

[Jay Moore]

You know how I'm getting old? It's not the number. It's when things happen. Like if I take my glasses off mid sentence, I forget what I'm saying. Did that ever happen to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

[Jay Moore]

I'll be talking to somebody. I'll take the glasses off mid sentence. And then I'm like, yeah, you're gonna have to take it from here. I have no fucking idea what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

You know who Chewie may be? He may be the new fat guy from Lost.

[Jay Moore]

I don't think he's fat enough to make all those fat jokes. He's like a regular looking guy, but he dresses that way.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he's got. Who's the fat guy from Loss?

[Jay Moore]

Ethan Suplay?

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. I don't know. We'll look it up. You know what I'm talking about, Andrew. And here's a weird one.

[Jay Moore]

Oh no. Yeah, that's him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Lost. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Jorge Garcia.

[Adam Carolla]

Jorge, he may be the.

[Jay Moore]

Wait, go back up. He lost his role due to very different Ozempic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Jorge Garcia snuck up behind me and took me out. So Dustin Yabar may be. That'd be great, the new Jorge Garcia. But here's the other thing. They have these lists on the Internet. They go most successful auto manufacturers or richest celebrities or whatever. And I just look at. They have these graphics, and you're like, oh, my God, here's how much. Also, it's weird. It's kind of like. Like you look at it and you're like, oh, Fiat is worth more than Chevrolet or something. And you go, what? Then you go, oh, they sell so many cars in Europe or something like that. But whatever it is, I was looking at this list of, like, rich celebrities, and it's all the usual suspects with the George Clooneys and everything. This guy from lost was, like, $400 million above.

[Jay Moore]

How?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It was on a list. I swear to God. Look up net worth.

[Jay Moore]

And while you're there, Andrew, I'm gonna ask you something. Put in Jay Moore net worth. And wait till you see that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, is that good or bad?

[Jay Moore]

It's fucking bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Well, let me tell you about the net worth.

[Jay Moore]

Let's go with Ace first.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's start the net worth thing.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, go to Ace's.

[Adam Carolla]

We did a thing once. I had, like, eight years ago, but Chris Laksamana, it looked up my net worth. It was like $20 million. Then they looked up Chris Laksamana, producer, his net worth, and it was like $10 million. And it's like $10 million. He makes $45,000 a year and doesn't own anything. I don't know how they got to that. That's the whole. Some of it is just pure bullshit, and then other is sort of like, yeah, it sounds about right.

[Jay Moore]

Mine's been the same for 20 years. I found his net worth. This seems like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody doesn't have their facts straight.

[Jay Moore]

This doesn't even add up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll throw it on the screen. Yeah, but look, I'm telling you, when I looked at the. When I looked at the graphic of the richest celebrities.

[Jay Moore]

He's up there.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy was, like, below Elvis.

[Jay Moore]

$185 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In 19. What? I can't even read that date. What date is that?

[Jay Moore]

2013. And he took the role of Beckham.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Wait.

[Jay Moore]

That ain't from fucking Beckham.

[Adam Carolla]

185 in 2013. But that's over 10 years ago, Andrew. We're looking for today's Today. Today I got another concept.

[Jay Moore]

Hold on. You got to see my net worth. And tell me what?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I want to see Jason. By the way, am I perturbed, Andrew? Net worth from over 12 years ago is not a good yardstick, but, yeah, go ahead.

[Jay Moore]

He's got to pull shit up without you browbeating him?

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Well, don't give me network read that. As of 2024, comedian, actor Jay Moore has an estimated net worth of $4 million. This wealth has been accumulated over his decades long career in film, television, stand up, comedy and radio.

[Jay Moore]

Two things. Yes, there should be an asterisk. Divorce twice, right? Because I'd be up where you are twice where you will be.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

You'll be leaving shortly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

And two, what's the point of marrying a billionaire if they're going to fucking throw four mil up? Yeah, I want, I want.

[Adam Carolla]

You want the billionaire? I want three.

[Jay Moore]

I want three commas, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

You want. Well, I don't know what your arrangement is. I mean, I'm assuming there's a prenup, but prenup doesn't mean you don't get anything or have anything or own anything by injection. Yeah, listen, from the inside out, bro. It should be more, right? That's what we're saying. I agree.

[Jay Moore]

Wouldn't you smile if you looked that up and said Jay Moore's estimated net worth is $2 billion? Wouldn't you just smile?

[Adam Carolla]

I would.

[Jay Moore]

You know, it's a. It's not true. It's like billion adjacent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Jay Moore]

But let me flex on these fucking crowd working hacks playing arenas. Let them. Let them see that daddy married will.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Jorge Garcia, or whatever his name is. Net worth. So I'm looking at this graphic and there he is and it's like $400 million or something like that.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, that's more than me.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm like, I don't. Wow. Whoa.

[Jay Moore]

Went to 12 million as of 2025. What does he gamble?

[Adam Carolla]

He went from 180 million and now it's 12 million. And then I guess you'd have to look up the first one.

[Jay Moore]

Just has to be fugazi.

[Adam Carolla]

They're probably all bullshit.

[Jay Moore]

It's all speculation and bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, I get, I get it. But those. Andrew, we've looked at those graphics before where they have like car companies and you know, all different graphics of highest paid athletes. You know, and there's. There was like three soccer players you never heard of. Highest played, highest paid musicians. And there's people on there from Spain who you've never heard of that make. Whatever this did that. And they lay out the whole. It's a whole graphic thing, but they did it with celebrities. And somehow he'd worked him his way up into like the 400 million pack. All right, let me pitch you something.

[Jay Moore]

All right, let me hear it. Okay, well, let Me see if Chewy got back to me with Ozempic dog jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Jay Moore]

Fidozemp. I don't wanna see a pug with those hempic face.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's good.

[Jay Moore]

You don't have to take them for a walk as much. Cause they're constipated. My Rottweiler lost 10 pounds in less than a. I got him neutered. I don't know. I know if I get my dog on Ozempic, though, Denny's gonna want to get hims.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, for hims.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'll try to.

[Jay Moore]

Okay. But you know what? For a guy at an airport lounge.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn'T fire back quick, not having to walk him as much. Cause he's all backed up. Yeah, it's a good thought, the Ozempic taste.

[Jay Moore]

Rex, how are you so thin if you never walk?

[Adam Carolla]

And then the other dogs would have to start talking shit. Pardon the pun. Yeah. Cause you know there's no woman alive. When a woman loses eight pounds, every other woman's like, you know, she's on. I'm like, I do. I don't know.

[Jay Moore]

It's like, when a guy goes, do you think her tits are real? I'm like, do you? What do you fucking care? I've never.

[Adam Carolla]

Women care. No. Women care about Ozempic. But my thing is like.

[Jay Moore]

But guys will say, like, do you think those are real? I bet those are fake. Or those. It's like, I don't know if I've ever had that thought in my life. Like, I wonder if those are real, because I don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't care?

[Jay Moore]

Like, let's just whip them out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Yeah, I agree. But I think that's a bigger. That's a bigger difference than Ozempic. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Ozempic is a catty cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But my thing is like.

[Jay Moore]

Like, why should she be having.

[Adam Carolla]

There's such a thing as diet and exercise. Like, maybe this person just engaged in this thing.

[Jay Moore]

When I pick up the Manjaro.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Ozemp.

[Jay Moore]

Whatever. When I have to go to CVS to get it, and I pay for it out of pocket because there isn't insurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Jay Moore]

It's easier to buy a handgun than to say, yes, I'm going to give you my credit card and you're going to charge me $900 for four shots.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a tip for you.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I came with a handgun.

[Adam Carolla]

I talked to a plastic surgeon backstage at the Backstreet Boys. I just said it so you would say that. He said, there's a new microdosing thing going on with the Manjaro, that the Mounjaro is much better than the Ozempic, and there's like a microdosing thing going on. And instead of just spending all this money to get the whatever prescribed amount, you can get the jumbo one and microdose it. And it works as good. And it goes from like 1500amonth to like 200 bucks a month.

[Jay Moore]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm gonna. I'll get you the official particulars on that. But he said huge cost savings, and the microdosing was huge.

[Jay Moore]

I don't know if you saw my net worth. I'm not too worried about saving.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously not.

[Jay Moore]

I'm a $4 million man.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so let me ask you about this.

[Jay Moore]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to work this bit out. I really like it. But I worked it out a little on stage last weekend.

[Jay Moore]

I'm sorry. I just thought, Afghans already have Ozempic face.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Jay Moore]

Dogs. I gotta get out of this Ozempic dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Jay Moore]

You got me fucking nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? This is. Every dad wants to tell the story to their kid, to their son, about how they had it tough growing up. You know what I mean? And for me, it's a lot of, like. Yeah, you know, we didn't have air conditioning. I grew up in that house over there, you know, mine.

[Jay Moore]

And your dad didn't say anything?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, my dad didn't. But my dad didn't talk.

[Jay Moore]

Right.

[Chuck]

Same.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, my dad grew up in South Philly, and so I always knew he had a shitty childhood and sort of had it tough.

[Jay Moore]

He kind of looks like a doo wop guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I gu.

[Jay Moore]

See your dad on the corner. Missing.

[Adam Carolla]

Take it back.

[Jay Moore]

Missing his cue.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, dude, dude. Take it back. Go, Jim.

[Jay Moore]

I'm only five years old. My baby's only three. Your dad misses his cue out of apathy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Go. Huh. Huh? Huh. What? Yeah, that's my dad. My dad couldn't do a doo band because when they pointed at him, he'd go, what?

[Jay Moore]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we have stories, and the stories are pretty good if you're a coal miner or something. If you grew up in the Midwest and you'd had to walk to school in the snow. But here's the setup to the joke. I'm from la. The school was nearby. Every day was nice. I don't have that story for my kids. And the ultimate is Vietnam. I know guys whose dads were in Vietnam, and then they got Vietnam and whatever. You know, the kid can complain about anything. You know, Mrs. Harvey doesn't like me. Yeah, really. You know who didn't like me? Charlie. That's who didn't like me.

[Jay Moore]

And his dog hung himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. So Vietnam is the ultimate, you know, one upsmanship in terms of the dad with the stories. And I knew a few of those kids, but I was too young for Vietnam. But I Realized working at McDonald's is my Vietnam. Yeah, that's like eight hours behind the griddle. Standing there $3.15 an hour. Cuticles still smell like onions. Worked three tours, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Had. Trying to work out a whole thing. Like, I had Charlie.

[Jay Moore]

You weren't there, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Had Charlie breathing down my neck. That was the name of my assistant manager.

[Jay Moore]

Me and the little man in the polyester, eyeball to eyeball. That's combat, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Left a lot of good men behind. When I transferred to the Encino location.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, when we. When we didn't put the bar mats back down and we had to slip and slide all near that griddle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm trying to get my Vietnam, McDonald's analogy story there, man. That's what I'm trying to do, like, paint that picture. What if you got drafted, you got.

[Jay Moore]

Your number came up and you had to go work.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to go McDonald's. We had to get dressed in a polyester uniform before we punched in.

[Jay Moore]

You know what tells joke about that? He goes, I think the uniforms look like that. So you'll never leave in the middle of your shift. I'm out of here. Wait, I can't go anywhere. I look like a pumpkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, there's stolen valor. There's Kamala Harris claiming she worked at a McDonald's. That's stolen valor straight up the drive.

[Jay Moore]

Through window for 18 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that's.

[Jay Moore]

The helicopter pilot is the drive through window guy. That's the guy that was in the Huey. Yeah, because you got the little window. You get to hang out the window a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

He was the gunner.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. It's like being. It is really like being a gunner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Just got to keep giving those fucking dinks what they need.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't make friends because you didn't know if you're ever going to see these guys again.

[Jay Moore]

I never know if I'm going to see those guys again.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, It's Vietnam is McDonald's. McDonald's is Vietnam.

[Jay Moore]

That the manager is the dumb lieutenant that has no idea how combat works.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you were like. You were there for the Mayor McCheese massacre.

[Jay Moore]

Well, let me tell you Something.

[Adam Carolla]

You showed up Monday. They called me McNugget Killer.

[Jay Moore]

Why don't you go on Vineland with the fry guys, you tell me how you turn out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So that. That is mine and it is.

[Jay Moore]

Cheese Massacre is epic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

I fucking love those characters.

[Adam Carolla]

I love. Well, the Grimace is a weird one.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, it's whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the Grimace just looked like a big purple shit emoji who was always in pain. What's Grimace? You know what I mean? Like, he was, like, always, like. Oh.

[Jay Moore]

But Mayor McCheese looked. Not only did he look official, he looked delicious. Like, they really hooked him up. Like, you could see, like, the little onions and lettuce and pickle and like, he was loaded.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder.

[Jay Moore]

He was a wealthy burger.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder. Somebody, you know, they had, like, Sid, Marty, Kroff and Lidsville, and those guys were just dropping acid and coming up with stuff. That's what they said. There had to be a little bit of that with the mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar and the Grimace and all that. Right?

[Jay Moore]

The Hamburglar wears a mask, like a little Zorro mask. Like, you wouldn't recognize him from his buck teeth, his black and white striped outfit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Moore]

Like, he's a jailbird, too. Like, he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he broke out of jail, but he never changed his clothes, which is the first thing you do any movie in the 60s where you break out of jail, you have to go to the clothesline first thing. By the way, breaking out of jail now is tough because there used to be clotheslines, and you just steal whatever was on the clothesline. Civvie clothes.

[Jay Moore]

You know, it's all electronic now. It's not like you can swipe a key or make a key or Jimmy Rigg.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you could take a key and put it in a bar of soap and make a mold of it.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So were there any females in that pantheon? No, it was all just Mayor McCheese. Hamburglar Ronald was about as close to a chick as you could get, Right. And then there was Grimace. So I still don't really know. I don't know what Grimace was. Yeah, there he is.

[Jay Moore]

Hamburglar wearing a necktie with burgers on it is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so it's Vietnam is my. McDonald's is my Vietnam. That's the premise.

[Jay Moore]

McDonald's is my Vietnam. When my number came up, I didn't want to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you have to kind of.

[Jay Moore]

My friends moved to Canada. No, west la. They moved to the Palisades to get out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to think because it's like, on one hand, you want to do all the analogies. Like, I could have a manager named Charlie, and he could be, you know, up my ass or breathing down my neck. Like, that's fine.

[Jay Moore]

Well, the manager wears a. You were a man in uniform for sure, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in uniform. You were in uniform. I wore the uniform.

[Jay Moore]

I wore the uniform.

[Adam Carolla]

I wore the uniform. At the. Kamala Harris is trying stolen bags.

[Jay Moore]

She never wore the uniform.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't wear the uniform. That's right. I carried a spatula.

[Jay Moore]

I had to wear somebody else's name tag because I lost mine. I was Oscar. I was Oscar for a month.

[Adam Carolla]

I wore the uniform. I did it proudly.

[Jay Moore]

I did it proudly. I wore the uniform. I served my burrow Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like. I wore the uniform. That's good.

[Jay Moore]

Uniform is the first thing that pops in the head, and I like that. The manager is like those ROTC second lieutenants that come in and start bossing people around. Fresh off the boat, they have no idea how the jungle works. Well, how's it going, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that. His name could be Charlie, and that'd be funny.

[Jay Moore]

Charlie's also the guy you gotta serve the food to through the window when you're the chopper guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Jay Moore]

Charlie's the Vietcong guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Grimace is a giant. Yeah, I know. Charlie's Private Pile.

[Jay Moore]

He's Private Pyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Private Pile. Grimace is a giant taste bud. No. How have I been on this planet for this many years and I've never heard that Grimace is a giant taste bud?

[Jay Moore]

I don't think anyone knows that except for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, by the way, I love the overview. It says, yes, McDonald's mascot Grimace is widely considered to be a giant taste bud. Except for, widely considered means zero human beings I've ever met, including the Great. Look, if Adam Kroll and Jay Moore don't know what you're talking about, then something's up. He did an interview with a Canadian McDonald's manager, Brian.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, that's in 2021. Some guy made that shit up.

[Adam Carolla]

Enormous taste bud.

[Jay Moore]

A Canadian.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Don't trust us Canadians?

[Jay Moore]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dustin Ybarra]

I got a bunch of premises that I've been working on.

[Adam Carolla]

Sitting in the Starbucks, drinking that coffee.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I've been talking a lot about. I've been talking about Banana bread lately.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah. And I'm trying to do every.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so weird.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It's fascinating, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no. No, it's not. But it's fascinating that I walked in here a few days ago and I said, I got a banana bread premise.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Jay Moore]

Which is weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause you got a banana bread premise.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I have a banana bread. I got a whole banana bread bit. But I'm trying to add to it, and it's over the past, like. Cause I did it more and more in Kansas last week, and I got it to a place where I think I like it, but I think it can be more like, I like adding on to just chunks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chuck]

Right.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Now I talk about how it's like, I got on instacart, I ordered 12 bananas, and the dude showed up with 12 bunches of bananas, 144 bananas.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You know, bananas, they have.

[Jay Moore]

They.

[Dustin Ybarra]

They have a shelf life of, like, three hours, right? And I hate throwing food away. So it's like, breakfast banana, lunch banana, dinner banana.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dustin Ybarra]

My piss smelled like daiquiri.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Dustin Ybarra]

And then I'm trying to add these parts. Like, I. I did this thing about how it was like. Basically, he's like, yeah, we made a mistake. You can keep him. Like, you're not doing me a favor, you know? And something about how, like, banana peels were all over my apartment. Like, it looked like the hardest level of Mario Kart. And so then after I talk about that, I say, does anybody know what you do with too many bananas? And then someone will say, banana bread, right? And so I've been thinking, banana. If anyone's ever given you banana bread, they don't love you. They didn't do it out of. I'm going to make some. They just had too many bananas.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's the equivalent of. It's the human. It's the human equivalent of like, anyone has a dog and they knock something off the table and it lands on the ground like a meatball land on the ground. And then they go, hey, Rusty, I got you a treat. It's like, yeah, you have to convince the dog you did it on purpose. Like, the dog would have too much dignity to eat it. Would that just roll off the table? Is that an actual gift that's for you? Yeah, for me. Like, it fell off the table, and you don't want to eat it because it's got my hair in it.

[Dustin Ybarra]

No. No one's ever bought bananas in the intent of make. I don't anyone's ever. They just had Too many bananas that were going bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, bananas are going bad. And so when stuff turns brown and starts to get rancid, I think of you.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It's basically like, will you throw this away from me? I can't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And it always comes the same. It comes tight. It's. It's wrapped in Saran Wrap, all tight like a kilo of heroin. Yeah, it's always got that tightness to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Dropped off a ship outside of Florida.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trump took out the ship that dropped.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It off, fished it out of the water.

[Adam Carolla]

It shows up like a brick of cocaine.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Always shows up like a brick of cocaine. And they never. No one asked if you want banana bread.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they just showed.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Show up with banana bread. They never call you and say, hey, Adam, would you like some banana bread?

[Adam Carolla]

And it's really banana cake. Because, like, calorically, there's more calories in your bread than there is in a slice of chocolate cake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It's sugar. It's some vanilla and bananas and I think flour.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe brown bananas.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah, brown sugar. And then so I was thinking about this whole banana bread thing. There's just so many. It's just such a weird thing. Cause I don't know. You can't. Can you buy banana bread?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm convinced. Well, it's difficult, but in the store.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You can't go to Ralph's and get some.

[Adam Carolla]

I am convinced that banana bread would be called banana cake if it wasn't for the alliteration. Like, we like the B and the B. You know what I mean?

[Dustin Ybarra]

Very true.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is also why I don't like when people go. I was couch surfing. Because I'm like, it should be sofa surfing. Cause it's S and an S. Banana bread. Sofa surfing. Like, what were you doing? When I was poor, I was sofa surfing, living off of banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

At Dirty Dustin's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, first off, no one's ever ate banana bread and went, oh, this is horrible. Banana bread. It's all the same. It is. It's all the same banana bread. If anyone fuck up banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

If anyone ever says, this is the best banana bread you'll ever have, it's like, no, this is the equivalent of bread. Of every banana bread.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no highs, there's no lows.

[Dustin Ybarra]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just one middle. But banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

So I started asking the audience. I was like, what, what, what? What's your favorite type of bread? And then someone said, zucchini bread. And I guess you can just make bread out of anything. Well, any vegetable.

[Adam Carolla]

What we do is we go, look, everyone loves cupcakes, right? They go, yeah, but I really can't justify eating a cupcake for breakfast. Okay, what else do you like? You like muffins? Yeah. What's a muffin? It's basically a cupcake, but you can eat it for breakfast. It's like, yeah, I'm gonna have a bloody Mary with some muffins. Yeah, I'm drinking and eating cake for breakfast. But we've invented things to get around that.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Oh, yeah, It's a nice loophole.

[Adam Carolla]

It's basically like when they say, like, I donated my eggs when I was in. You donated or you sold them for $40,000, bitch. Because that doesn't sound like donations. Donate is when you give people shit. If you took your sweater down to the Goodwill and said, I'll give you this sweater, but give me $28,000.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I wish you could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

You would not be donating your shit to the Goodwill. But you don't like the sound of selling your eggs.

[Dustin Ybarra]

No. So, God, if I had eggs, I'd fucking sell them.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, my.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I would do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd put them in a wrist rocket and fire them in a bank and get money. That's how I would earn. All right, so I still got banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

So banana bread. Banana bread, zucchini bread.

[Adam Carolla]

And then zucchini bread is just everything that's in a cake with a little ground up fucking zucchini. That's not. Yeah, that's not zucchini.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And then I was thinking about just all the. There's a lot of breads out there. What's your favorite bread, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm partial to lemon. I think quietly. There's like a lemon cake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Oh, lemon cake.

[Adam Carolla]

You're so fake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

They have bricks of lemon cake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That are exactly the same as banana bread. And that's my argument for the. You need to call it fucking banana cake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You don't call it lemon bread.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't call it now lemon. Yeah, that sounds. That sounds weird. So lemon is good. Surprisingly. And I don't know how this works with the muffin. The poppy seed. There's something strangely alluring about the poppy seed. I don't even know which is good.

[Dustin Ybarra]

What does poppy taste like?

[Adam Carolla]

Banana. You can't go wrong with. Yeah, don't do poppy. You'll test positive. You will, right? You got piss every week.

[Dustin Ybarra]

That's weird. No, not anymore. I've never had to look.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not here to judge.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Jay said that is True.

[Adam Carolla]

Not to eat poppy.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Poppy will make you test for opioids. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how good it is.

[Dustin Ybarra]

That's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

So there is. All right, so banana bread is great. But here's my angle with banana bread. Yeah. Banana bread. Every woman I've ever been with, when you start seeing the bananas going south, announces she's making banana bread, but never does. And that's all women. For me, that's my mom. You know what I mean? Here's what we could do. Here's what we end up with.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing?

[Dustin Ybarra]

My mom actually made it.

[Adam Carolla]

Your mom made the banana bread?

[Dustin Ybarra]

She made the banana bread. Cause I remember so many bananas growing up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so what I want to say is that is a little metaphor, like a test for a woman. Like, if you got a woman who announces she's gonna make banana bread, and then you come home that night and there is banana bread. That's a keeper. Oh, yeah. Cause she's taking care of business. Every woman I've been with would just go, I'm gonna make banana bread. And then at some point, you see the bananas in the trash three days later with fruit flies.

[Dustin Ybarra]

What happened to the banana bread?

[Adam Carolla]

They never made the banana bread. You never gotta make the banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah, she's got a stinky pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

But if she's got. If she makes it, that's a keeper. And I want to tell you that I got. My girlfriend did the banana bread announcement when I was leaving for work on a Tuesday morning. She said, I'm going to make banana bread. I was like, yeah, sure you are. I got home, two banana bread. I was like, you are the only woman that's crazy I've ever met who actually follows through with her banana bread proclamations.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And then you take a bite, and it tastes like shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Though the banana bread proclamations are sort of like when the rogue leaders of a Middle Eastern country threaten the United States. Like, you will feel the swift sword of Allah. Okay, keep talking to me. Yeah, sure. Well, we're super nervous now. Yeah, sure. Yeah. You're going to make me some banana bread, too. What else? What other empty promises do you have? Yeah, yeah. So for me, I like. I like the angle of the promise of the banana bread that never comes to fruition. But your mom.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Hey, you do that. That's like, totally. I. Yeah. Because I haven't experienced that or anyone. Anyone's promised to not come through.

[Adam Carolla]

Banana bread is essentially cake. You put butter on, which you want to talk about.

[Jay Moore]

Holy shit.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to talk about weight gain. Hugo, this Is cake. Well, we call it bread. So we're going to put butter now. You're putting butter on cake? Essentially, yeah. Because you would never take a piece of chocolate cake or lemon cake, start putting butter on it. People are like, are you fucking trying to kill yourself? Yeah, but.

[Dustin Ybarra]

But heart attack.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know what is a banana? Calorically, Andrew. Banana bread versus lemon bread versus zucchini bread versus chocolate cake.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I'm going to guess about the same, except for some reason I think lemon cake has more. You know, those lemon squares. Is that what you're talking? The lemon cake?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about the cake. Like it's banana bread, but cake. Yeah. Lemon tasting.

[Dustin Ybarra]

That sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

I. If you want to put weight on, you eat bananas and peanut butter. That's how you get fat. That's how you work on the calories.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Is that some things are healthy at one point and then they like. Not like bananas are healthy or like, oh, artichoke, spinach, artichoke dip.

[Adam Carolla]

I know spinach is healthy.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Artichoke is healthy. But spinach. Artichoke dip is fucking. It's like 1500 calories.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's insane.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, now we're getting into taco salad range. Banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I've never been a taco salad guy. I like the shell that they come in. You know the shell. Those are great.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Well, you and I will not throw away food.

[Dustin Ybarra]

No, we've established that.

[Adam Carolla]

A taco salad is not transportable. And it can't make it through the night.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It gets too moist and. What's that word? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It gets emulsified.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah, it just becomes.

[Adam Carolla]

It absorbs too much. It becomes wilty.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It's a paper plate.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so banana bread's 190 to 400 calories, depending.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Depending.

[Adam Carolla]

And lemon bread is 140 to 400. So lemon bread is less interesting. Or lemon cake. Chocolate cake is 250 to whatever. But the whole point is to forfeit. You might as well have a piece of chocolate cake. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. For breakfast instead. Because you'll eat banana bread and put butter on it. Have it for breakfast.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Because chocolate. You know what tricks us? I think it's because banana has. You hear banana, you're like fruit, but chocolate, you're just like chocolate. I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

So you had the instacart thing. I feel like people. It's funny because my girlfriend uses instacart. I shop, I pick up my own pizzas. Because what she'll do is she'll order everything, and then she'll be disappointed where she's like, the avocado's so hard. And I asked for a beefsteak tomato, and I got a Roma tomato. The guy's a methadone addict who has to borrow his mom's car to bring shit to your house. What do you really, really think he's holding that tomato, like, up to the light, examining it? Are you just one of many people he's got to deal with and doesn't give two.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And he's got all these orders, and it's like, I gotta. I'm not gonna look at way every single.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, when you. When you're too lazy to shop, this is what comes out the other end, that is.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I love shopping.

[Adam Carolla]

I do, too.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Dude. Going to the grocery store is, like, fun. Especially whenever it's like. Like, oh, dude, you ever go to the grocery store and you, like, have nothing in your fridge, and you're like, I'm gonna get everything I need for, like, the next three months. Yeah, I love that shit, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

The only problem with the grocery store for me is I start off with the handheld basket. And then at some point, it gets so full of shit that really, my shoulder dislocates in the side. Then I find myself pushing it with my foot. Cause it weighs 80 pounds now. Like, I just gotta commit to the car.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Gotta get the car. And the card is like, you don't wan. You feel silly with the cart if you don't fill it up, too. Yeah, sometimes I've gotten the cart and only filled up that little front part where the baby sits.

[Adam Carolla]

The basket part. Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And then it's like, I could have gotten a basket.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

The other day, dude, I was. I. I didn't even get. I didn't get anything. I didn't get a basket. I didn't get cart.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's that move, too, bro.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I picked up, and it just always happens. So I grabbed the milk. I'm like, okay, the milk. I got that. But I went and I grabbed one of those little, like, mashed potato things, you know, the instant. And I'm like, okay, that's two things. But then I was like, I saw a deal on this three pack. You had to buy three of those big bags of chicken, right? And I'm like, oh, God. So I grabbed the three, right? So I've got the milk, three bags of chicken, and the mashed potatoes. And then I remember Christy wanted, like, some cookies. I'm like, oh, shit. So I had to go to the cookie section.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And now then it was like. It was way too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I should have gotten a car at least.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

At least a basket.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Because then you feel things are slipping, and there's.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what. You know what the version of that is?

[Dustin Ybarra]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

It's the guy you see going along the freeway who's moving the mattress with his arm outside holding it like, I got this. I got this. It's like, you don't got this. Go get a fucking bungee cord and a tie down. It's like, I can do this on the side. Just going casino. I can make it. It's like, guys have that quality where, like, I got this. I got it.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And, you know, I used to move mattresses. My aunt had this mattress company.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dustin Ybarra]

Yeah. But it was very shady. It was very. Like, she had a storeroom. She found some kind of loophole to buy it directly from the manufacturers. So we delivered so many damn mattresses. I know how to move a mattress. You gotta have. You gotta have tie downs. You can't do bungee cords.

[Adam Carolla]

No bungee cords.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Bungee cords are not.

[Adam Carolla]

I said bungee. I went to tie down because I knew Bungie was wrong, bro.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Tie downs are the best, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Tie downs are the best.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You can secure something so good with a tie down. You ever get something so secure that you kind of want to, like, call a friend? Like, come, look at this.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at this.

[Dustin Ybarra]

This ain't going nowhere, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you the best tie down. The most satisfying tie down. It's not even the ratcheting. I don't.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I love the ratchet.

[Adam Carolla]

The ratchet's fine, but at some point, it gets too full up or I gotta read. Whatever. Okay. Ratchet's fine. If you move a dirt bike. If you're transporting a motorcycle in the back of a truck and it's standing up, and you hook the tie downs around each side of the handlebar. At some point when you're tying it down, when you're cinching it down, a dude will sit on the bike, grab the front brake, and he'll go, okay, pull it. And he'll push the shock absorber down as you lean forward, and then you pull, and you'll do that one last. Suck it, suck it. Suck that thing down. Now it's. That's pushing this way, and that's pulling. That shit ain't going.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You can drive through a hurricane with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's not going anywhere. It's one thing to tie down something that's just there. It's another thing to tie down something where you actually compress it.

[Dustin Ybarra]

It's part of the vehicle now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I love that. That's so funny. That little last little where you get that last little click.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Yeah. Tying. I mean I listen, I got ra. I drag race cars all over the place and that's always tie it down.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I love tying it down, man. So. Cuz then like sometime. Oh my God. And this will happen in LA a lot. You'll be driving on the freeway and you'll see some beat up pickup truck with like ev. The worst tie down job ever with like shovels in it and like big pieces of. Of sheet metal and you're just like, this is a final destination thing. They got one little. Not even a tie down. Like a bungee cord.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dustin Ybarra]

And you're like, this is an accident waiting to happen, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you the thing about like the tie down community. It's like feast or famine. Either it's like tripled redundancy. Like that guy's gone way too far for that. He's got a kayak on his roof with 17 tie downs on it. Or there's the. I got this hand out the window. No tie down. There's no. Just the right amount of tie down. No, it's feast or famine.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I saw someone with a refrigerator and their refrigerator door was opening up. I love that pink like cock. It's not enough to honk at someone and tell them yeah, because it doesn't really. It's not going to fly off. But still it's annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody honking and pointing was a big part of my life for a long time because I drove mini pickup trucks everywhere, right. So I swung a hammer. I was a carpenter and I drove mini pickup trucks and I would fucking load them up with 30 sheets of drywall or something. I make literally the back bumpers like dragging on the ground like there wasn't. I go, I'm not fucking coming back for five more sheets. I'm putting them all in, you know. And I would load so many sheets of plywood drywall two by fours and that fucking thing would be squatted down, down to the ground.

[Dustin Ybarra]

So much load capacity.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to do it. I got fired from my liquor store delivery job because like at some point, I don't know, I don't feel like this was on me. Like the guys who owned the liquor store on Ventura in Studio City was like, Adam, get the station wagon. It's a brand New, big, deluxe station wagon. Go get it. Go down to Van Nuys where the distributor is, and you gotta pick up, like, 26 cases of scotch or something. I was like, all right. I fucking loaded. I came back. The thing was dragging, like, the back bumper dragging on the ground. And they came running out like, this is a brand new. This a brand new. And I'm like, you told me to get in the station wagon, go to the place, pick up the cases, and come back. And that's what I did. And I put them all in the back of the whatever. And they're like, you broke this? Nothing broke, but they're pissed that I like seeing it. They didn't like seeing it. All right, so banana bread.

[Dustin Ybarra]

What if you had to haul banana bread? Tie down just like, the kilos of banana bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Mattresses are now coming, like, wrapped up in boxes and stuff.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I bought one off Amazon, and it is weird because it's like a little box, you know, there's no way that's a mattress in there. And you pull it out, and you got to let it. It smells a little bit at first. It's got that chemically, like. So you got to let it air out for, like, 48 hours or something. But it's a good mattress. I've had it for a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

I bought the first mattress I bought. I was used.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Oh, disgusting. It's got the Olympic symbol.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Pentagram, but, yeah, it was blood, but, yeah. And semen. Yeah. I went to the fucking Goodwill, and they do a thing. They just call it recondition, but it's really like someone hit it with Lysol and they put it in a bag. You know what I mean? And I. I could not afford a new mattress, and I just went and bought a fucking used mattress.

[Dustin Ybarra]

I would have done futon before that I had. Or air mattress. Air mattresses aren't bad sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

I shared a futon with a dude. My first apartment. Me and this guy Donnie slept on the same futon. Oh, man. For months. And I was over the futon. Cause the futon is like half a mattress you put on the floor.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You can feel the bar under it, those bars.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about the futon is it's a really uncomfortable sofa that converts into a super uncomfortable bed. You know, like, you're a loser on both ends.

[Dustin Ybarra]

You are. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Of that. And I did have a sofa. You ever try to move a sofa that has a folding bed in it?

[Dustin Ybarra]

Those are heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

There's 200 pounds of steel in that fucking thing. You ever do that where you pick this over and you go, oh, fuck. And then the thing spills out while you're carrying it and a hooker rolls out of it. Homes.com. some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. And maybe homes.com's super comprehensive and transparent agent directory. Or Maybe it's at. Homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing agent who knows the home the best. Perhaps it's because homes.com has the most in depth neighborhood content of any home shopping site that's extensively researched. To highlight the personality of each neighborhood, homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in depth info they need to find the right home love. These guys love scrolling and strolling, checking out what's in the [e-mail] homes.com we've done your homework.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Jay Moore]

Something in the blood.

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[Adam Carolla]

Okay, we had. We had a. We had a macaw at my gym.

[Jay Moore]

A ma what?

[Adam Carolla]

A macaw. A macaw I can do. A dove can.

[Jay Moore]

Well, I'll get it. I'll.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you warned an Indian. I don't know if that's so Indian. Just sat up and went, oh, what's going on? Is there trouble?

[Jay Moore]

Somebody's littering.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, there is a macaw. A macaw is a giant parrot. It's a giant blue parrot. You know what a macaw is, right? Yeah, I guess it's just a giant parrot. So the owner of the gym I worked at, Bodies in Motion in Pasadena, had a macaw. And that macaw was mean. And that macaw would walk over when I was training somebody in the ring. It would walk from the front desk all the way across the building to where the ring was. And you can hear McCaw walking on towel because they dragged their claws, you know. And I would be working with somebody in the ring, a client. And I could see the macaw like coming toward me, right? And at some point it would get to the ring and it would grab the ring apron. It was a low ring. It was like, only like you could.

[Jay Moore]

Probably fly two feet, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if it could fly. I don't know if Jillian had got to him with her lesbian partner and the clippers. But it would pull itself up only about 16 inches onto the ring. On top of the ring now, right?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it would look at me, and I would look at it, and I was training somebody. So then it would go over to where the ring ropes were in the middle, where they would sag a little bit, and it would reach up and it would grab. The ring ropes had a vinyl sleeve on them, and it would grab the bottom of the vinyl sleeve that was sewed up and hung down, and it would pull itself up one rope at a time. Then it would climb up to the next rope, and eventually it would get to the top of the ropes and it would look at me, and then I would look at it.

[Jay Moore]

It's kind of like watching Brad Williams sit down for dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like watching him get into his car. So I look at him and look at me, and then he'd start walking along the rope down to the turnbuckle. He'd turn, he'd turn, and I keep looking at him. He'd keep looking at me. And he'd get to the end. At some point, he would get to the end. Well, that's where my digital stopwatch was, because I was working on rounds with my clients, and I would see. And we'll walk over to the stopwatch, and I'd be working with a guy, and I'd hear crunch. I'd hear the sound of plastic crunching, and the thing put its fucking beak right through the glass or the plastic on my digital stopwatch, by the way. Back when shit cost money and I was poor, you know, that was like 26 bucks I didn't have. And you'd have to go to the.

[Jay Moore]

Sporting goods store coaching boxing at Bodies and Motion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got $20 a class. And you got to go the fucking big five and go buy one, you know? So now I go and buy a new one, but I. But I keep the old one as a decoy. A macaw koi. A decoy for the macaw. And so I take the one that works.

[Jay Moore]

Always a solution, this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I put it down, but I take the other one and I put it back on the thing. Here comes the macaw making its way like walk like the mummy, you know, Dragging its weird clawed feet across the. Across the vinyl floor, all the way coming. And I'd be working with someone. I go, okay, he's not going to be here for like 10 minutes, you know? And at some point, he'd get to the Ring apron again. And I go, all right, all right, he's not up yet. And I'd. I'll keep an eye on him this time. And I'd be working with this guy holding the mitts. And at some point he gets to the top and he starts going for the busted decoy stopwatch, right? And I'd be like, yeah, he's going the wrong direction. He's going that. And at some point he'd get over there and he'd see that it was the decoy one that was busted, and he'd go, okay. And he'd keep going around. And now I'm working. It's a real sort of rabbit in the tortoise in the hare kind of. Kind of situation. And I Then this is a message of kids. Like, I'm looking at him, but he's walking so slow on top of the. He's on top of the ring rope. And I'm like, okay, I got five minutes. And I'm turning my back and I'm working combinations guy. Next thing you know, crunch, turn around. He got to the new one and fucked that thing up too. And that's the macaw that used to work at Bodies and Motions.

[Jay Moore]

You know what would have saved you five bucks for a new Heidi?

[Adam Carolla]

Who? One bibi, one crow. How'd you get that one? You're right. You're right. Also, oh, by the way, the. Like you were talking about the bird groomer. It reminded me of something. You tell me what you think of this policy. Are you ready?

[Jay Moore]

Hold on a sec.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Andrew, you might be able to find in the computer a photograph that says of a piano tuner. It's a photograph of a car that has a piano tuning sign on it.

[Jay Moore]

I didn't think this was a possible sentence to say when I met him, but king of the dogs is letting himself go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that's all right.

[Jay Moore]

When I met him, I didn't think that was possible.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got the best. He's got the saddest walk off home run story I've ever heard in my life.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, you love a walk off home run. Who doesn't? Yeah, this one has a. This is a sad one.

[Jay Moore]

Is he gonna tell it?

[Adam Carolla]

I think he could tell it, but first he can find this picture. Jay, tell me what you think of this. I used to live in a pretty nice and affluent neighborhood. And I would walk around my neighborhood. I walk my dog. I walked a lot in my neighborhood. Big houses, affluent people, Winners Lake, Hollywood. Well, there was Lake Hollywood. Yeah, that was nice. And there was La Canada. And La Canada is filled with winners now. Not me and not my family. We were like the losers of La Canada, but the other.

[Jay Moore]

I'd be a bad narrator here, but go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my family were losers. I wasn't. No, you're a winner. But I'm a winner. But it'd be, I guess you're a winner. There's a lot of, like, you know, you go like, oh, the friends would come over. I'd go, oh, what does your mom do? She's an attorney for the Navy. She's jag. She's one of those JAG officers. Yeah. And what's your dad do? He's a spinal surgeon. You know, it's like a lot of that. I'd be like, oh, we order grubhub. That's kind of what our gig is here. So I walked through the neighborhood, and every once in a while I would pass a car that had a magnetic sign on it that said professional piano tuning on it.

[Jay Moore]

Toll free number.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. Professional piano tuning for the Hollywood stars. I made this sign up. This is not a real company. I made this sign up, Jay. And that number, you can call that number. But that's our number, okay?

[Jay Moore]

Me and you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not me and you, but it'll ring here, okay? Okay. Why the sign? I'll tell you why, Jay. I was tired of feeling like a fucking loser in my winter neighborhood. And I passed those houses. And when I see the professional piano tuner in front of the house, I go, that guy's a fucking winner. He's got a Steinway in there. Probably sits down, invites people over, puts on a smoking jacket. And they talk to him. They go, steve, could you just do one song? He's like. And he sits down. He just scales. It goes all the way down. And I fantasize. I imagine his kids are playing the piano. Now, if you have a professional, if there's a car parked in front of a house that says Professional Piano Tuner on it, you go, that guy's a winner. By the way, it's not upright, it's not honky tonk, it's not saloon. That's a winner, right? And I'm tired of being a loser. So I said to my Guatemalan nanny, Olga, I said, I'll make up a sign and I'll put it on your RAV4. And when you park in front of my house, I want people to think you're tuning my piano. And they'll go, that guy's A winner. That guy's got a Steinway.

[Jay Moore]

I immediately thought of a backfire, though.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened?

[Jay Moore]

They think you're the fucking piano tuner because the car's always in front of your house.

[Adam Carolla]

But they know I live there. They know I live there.

[Jay Moore]

Times are so bad. This poor guy's got two pianos. Well, listen, him and Kimmel broke.

[Adam Carolla]

Guilty as charged. If people think I have this secondary skill set of piano tuning, I'll take that.

[Jay Moore]

You'll be tuning Steve's balls in your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Steve.

[Jay Moore]

So did you get calls?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so what happened was, is I.

[Jay Moore]

Said, what's the Rich Eisen show?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I'm putting this. And my nanny protested. She said, look, I don't want the thing on the side of my car.

[Jay Moore]

No malo.

[Adam Carolla]

No malo. And so I said, all right, fuck it. I'll put it on my car. So I put on my car so people think I was a winner.

[Jay Moore]

So you put your RAV4.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I got a Jaguar. Whatever. All right. Professional piano tuning for the Hollywood stars. And I put it on my car. Yeah, well, obviously after a while, you forget it's on your car. Right. So I'm going into the sports clips and locking you out. I'm, like, walking through the parking lot and a guy goes, hey, how much for the tuning? And I'm like, huh? And he's like, how much for the piano tuning? And I'm like, what? What do you mean? He goes, you're professional piano tuner. What would it. You know, I'd like you to come by my house and look at my piano. And I'm like, oh, yeah, don't worry about it. And he's like, I don't understand.

[Jay Moore]

I went, it says for the stars.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Jay Moore]

And you're a fucking Hammond egger.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have told. Hey, Joe Sixpack. Beat it. Beat it.

[Jay Moore]

Go back to Pittsburgh, you fucking zilch.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I don't tune Casios, bro. I do Steinways and Yamahas.

[Jay Moore]

But I know a guy that does keytars. Now go fuck yourself. Keytar.

[Adam Carolla]

Keytar.

[Jay Moore]

Well, we gotta bring those back.

[Adam Carolla]

Andrew, your dad was the kind of guy who be coaxed and played the classical piano. That's correct. And was a doctor. Yes. God damn Martinis. God damn. That's right. Oh, God damn. His family's. I mean, he's.

[Jay Moore]

And he's an Eagles fan, which undoes everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

All right, so keep going with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Tuning, not the band. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

What kind of calls would you get?

[Adam Carolla]

We get calls. People inquiring about tuning pianos here, but I'm just saying that's a winner. That is a winner right there.

[Jay Moore]

Well, not really, no. I mean, you have a fucking Jaguar with a magnet on it.

[Adam Carolla]

If it's parked in front of my house, people think I'm a winner.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, but your piano tuner. I couldn't poke any holes in your crow theory.

[Adam Carolla]

It was perfect.

[Jay Moore]

Okay, so you know I'm not being a fucking vegetarian. I know you have a fucking hundred thousand dollar car with a fucking magnet on it that says piano tuning with an 800 number.

[Adam Carolla]

I just got back from Burt Bacharach's house. How about that? Just got back.

[Jay Moore]

If you're gonna fuck around, we'll talk about this. You're gonna fuck around.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Let's get the king of the big dogs to tell you about the saddest walk off home run story ever.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, here he comes.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's the saddest because it started off with so much promise.

[Jay Moore]

First up, you look like you're about to make a soybean pipe bomb.

[Adam Carolla]

What? What could. I said, I said to the king of the dogs, I said, what? Give me your best baseball story. Well, give me your best, like your biggest, proudest moment. You played sports. I played sports. If somebody asked me that question, I could provide a story.

[Jay Moore]

Hold on a sec. Ernie call. Don't fuck up this story. Your eyes are getting pecked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Best story. It feels good to see his front.

[Jay Moore]

I'm getting a stiff neck looking at you.

[Adam Carolla]

That time he hit a walk off home run in high school in, in regionals or something, I don't remember.

[King of the Dogs]

It was technically a walk off single.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you ruined it. You jump right to the end. You jump right to the end. You told me.

[Dustin Ybarra]

Hold on, was he.

[Adam Carolla]

You hit a walk off home run.

[Jay Moore]

He must have been in the green room. Shut up. He must have been in the green room at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm sorry. He hit a walk off. Okay? That's what he said. Which now when you hear what game was it in?

[King of the Dogs]

It was the league championship.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? So I say, give me your best baseball story. He says, I hit a walk off in the league championship game.

[Jay Moore]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, that's something that's seared in your memory. And I'm picturing him rounding the bases in slow motion and the lights.

[Jay Moore]

Tits jiggling. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm picturing fireworks, people on their feet, slow motion between seconds, rounding third.

[Jay Moore]

He whips out his fucking dick.

[Adam Carolla]

So then I go, tell me this story of this walk off. All right, now this is where it takes a turn.

[King of the Dogs]

Okay, so it's one out, bottom of the 10th inning. Jesus, we're down one to two.

[Jay Moore]

You realize what a marathon that is? These are six inning games.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[King of the Dogs]

And the bases are loaded.

[Adam Carolla]

Bases are loaded.

[King of the Dogs]

So I'm up. I hit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. What happens before you get up?

[King of the Dogs]

Someone walked in to load the bases.

[Adam Carolla]

Up, you get walked to load, walk. But not a run in.

[King of the Dogs]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Walked to load the bases.

[King of the Dogs]

We were tied going into the ninth. They put up a run in the 10.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, how many outs are we talking? One out. One. One out. All right, sorry, go ahead.

[King of the Dogs]

So I hit lazy fly ball into like mid left field.

[Jay Moore]

A Texas leaguer.

[King of the Dogs]

And I'm thinking, okay, Sac fly, I at least tied the game. Not the worst I could have done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[King of the Dogs]

And I see this dipshit in left field running in and the ball goes 20ft over his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. So he charged it E9.

[King of the Dogs]

And it lands. And I get the walk off credit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But it went down as a single.

[Jay Moore]

Yes, that's. It's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a single with an error. But initially when it was pitched as a walk off to win the regionals, it sounded bigger and better than single with an air.

[Jay Moore]

But he also tells it like Eeyore.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't know who Eeyore is.

[Jay Moore]

Lousy orator.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean? He's a stand up comedian. Tell us, give us the.

[Jay Moore]

Before that a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Give us the story. Give us the best roast battle and like, give us your roast battle into.

[Jay Moore]

Like lazy fly ball into left. And the dip he ran in and I don't know. And they like landed well.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it, do it, do it. Do a home run. Do what an exciting home run story would sound like if told by Joe Pesci.

[Chuck]

You're not gonna believe this.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened?

[Chuck]

This second and third, first base is open. They walk them. Now it's fucking. Basically. Whoa, it's so fun. Now I go up. I don't give a. What do I care? It's the 10th inning, I gotta take a. Anyway, so I hit the ball, hit right to the in left field. This brick. All he's gotta do is stand under its room service for the brick. And he runs in like a mama Luke. And it lands behind him. I'm running around the bases. I gotta take my helmet off. They're all going crazy. They're milking my tits. I'm running around, been fucking pulling on my high school mustache. What do I give a fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

That's an amazing story.

[Chuck]

Oh, my God. Watch this suit.

[Jay Moore]

Easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. I feel like I was there.

[Chuck]

She's watched the suit.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop hugging me. That's amazing. Okay, now.

[Jay Moore]

Roast Battle. You're a Roast Battle guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, come on. That's the king of the dogs.

[Jay Moore]

He's never roasted me, and I fucking. I feel like I'm taking candy from a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you know?

[Jay Moore]

You.

[King of the Dogs]

You look like an Adam Carollo funko pop.

[Adam Carolla]

What is a funko? I don't know what a funko pop is. Can't leave. What's a funko pop?

[Jay Moore]

You have a funko pop. I'm gonna go grab it to show you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's getting a funko pop.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, the doll. The little doll that all looked the same. And we all get fired up when they send this one. It looks. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that with the funko pop little doll.

[Jay Moore]

And they'll go like, this is the Adam Carolla ones. Like, it's just the Jay Moore one. They just gave it glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, that's a funko pop. Okay. Yeah, I didn't know what it was called.

[Jay Moore]

I mean, soybean pipe bomb is tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Come on back here, you fuck. You're not done getting roasted by me.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, though. I want. Didn't he tell you? The roast. The best roast joke. Levy did him.

[Chuck]

He's king of the dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

He's king of the dogs.

[Jay Moore]

That's where he got what Sam Clyde. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. You look like I don't know much about you, but I'm pretty sure you have a dirty microwave. Said that it's calling a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Jay Moore]

Look like a dirty microwave.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, what was the king of the dogs roast joke? One more time.

[Jay Moore]

I love this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

To.

[King of the Dogs]

Chuck grew up in a doggy daycare.

[Jay Moore]

Why you. Hold on.

[Chuck]

You're not trying to put us to sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you understand? The new.

[Chuck]

Have some fucking passion.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a new world order of comedians. They don't burn calories. Telling. They don't dance for the night.

[Jay Moore]

He doesn't burn any calories.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, give us the joke. Sorry.

[King of the Dogs]

Chuck grew up in the doggy daycare. The dogs didn't like him or anything. They just thought he was king of the dogs.

[Jay Moore]

Who told you that? That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

He told me. That's the best roast joke that's ever been levied at him, Chuck.

[Jay Moore]

So out of shape. He doesn't like jerking off. He just likes when he's finished. It looks like string cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Chuck, you may. You May resume your duties and position.

[Jay Moore]

Chuck, are you bummed out or is that just your disposition?

[Adam Carolla]

That's just his disposition. He's fine. He's a big boy.

[Jay Moore]

A long private pile.

[Chuck]

Fucking bull.

[Jay Moore]

Honestly, on the way out, I tap him, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't know who Private Pyle is.

[Chuck]

Well, how.

[Jay Moore]

They don't know anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Dustin Ybarra]

They're young.

[Adam Carolla]

He's young.

[Jay Moore]

My sister had a Chinese exchange student. She lives in eastern Pennsylvania and she has little kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Your sister has.

[Jay Moore]

My sister Julie has little kids and she housed a Chinese exchange student for two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Jay Moore]

Last year, and I forgot to tell you this last year. So at Christmas time, there's one kid, Sophie, that still believes in Santa Claus.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Wait a minute. One of your sister's daughters?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

So my sister has three daughters. One still believes in Santa Claus.

[Adam Carolla]

Sophie.

[Jay Moore]

She's little, right?

[Adam Carolla]

She's 29 and severely retarded, but keep going.

[Jay Moore]

And so they're trying to explain to the Chinese exchange student, listen, don't, don't tell her Santa Claus isn't real because she still believes in Santa Claus and that Santa Claus brings the presents. And the Chinese exchange student says, and I quote, no. Wow, the government bring the presents.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. I thought you liked that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Sad.

[Jay Moore]

I've been sitting on that for a year to tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn.

[Jay Moore]

No, the government bring the. Like, we all know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. And I bet you learn that early and often in China. You know, it was a Big Bird person, you know, had all the macaws and all the parrots and now runs.

[Jay Moore]

By the way, Andy wearing the guy that wears the Big Bird costume. That's my roast for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Chuck.

[Jay Moore]

Andy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Andrew.

[Jay Moore]

Andrew.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I guess he could be an Andy.

[Jay Moore]

You look like the guy that wears the Big Bird costume.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he looks like Ken.

[Jay Moore]

When he gets on the mic, just goes, go fuck yourself, Jay.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks like Count Chocula.

[Jay Moore]

He does have a little count. He's a very WASPy. Count Chocula.

[Adam Carolla]

Find a. Show us Count Chocula. I'll show you. Andrew.

[Jay Moore]

He looks like he had pictures of Robert Chambers on his wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, Robert Chambers, a Central park rapist? Oh shit. They're talking about that.

[Jay Moore]

It was just rough sex. That guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that guy.

[Chuck]

Yeah, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't he called the yuppie rapist or something? I need a handle.

[Jay Moore]

He had pictures of him on the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. He worships that guy. He loves guys accused of rap. Okay, guess who lives.

[Jay Moore]

Chuck out a ham radio. But for completely wrong reason.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, look at Count Chocula and look at Andrew.

[Jay Moore]

I got a lot of guys in my life that look like Count Chocula.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but Andrew's going as Count Chocula for.

[Jay Moore]

You have to.

[Adam Carolla]

For Halloween this year, who's going to go as Frank?

[Jay Moore]

I could do Frankenberry. I got a Frankenberry, like head.

[Adam Carolla]

Go, go.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, Chuck, you got to be Frankenberry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me. Let me tell you something.

[Jay Moore]

Hold on. What's like the two guys all the way to the right on the bottom?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Oh, Frankenberry. Jesus, that shit was delicious, Chuck. It goes Frankenberry. Chuck goes Frankenberry. And Andrew should goes Count Chocula. Now listen to me.

[Jay Moore]

Now. Who's gonna be booberry?

[Adam Carolla]

You ready? That's a good point. Jesus Christ, what we fucking feed our kids. Do you know who has tons of parrots and macaws and lives in Peram?

[Jay Moore]

Heidi Fleiss.

[Adam Carolla]

That is correct. Yeah, that is correct. Nobody in the reference department get Blondie, right?

[Jay Moore]

I didn't get Blondie right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're Blondie and Goldie.

[Jay Moore]

But by the way, why would a German like. Is blondie a German word?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't know.

[Chuck]

He's like. He's choice.

[Jay Moore]

Blondie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Jay Moore]

You could have went with Otto.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's a weird thing to be really delighted by when you're a kid. Once in a while we'd find out there was a dog that understood German or French or Spanish or something, and it was like, mind blown. And it was like, why wouldn't the fucking dog understand stay and come and lay and roll over in German if he was fucking born in Germany and had a German family raise him?

[Jay Moore]

I trained my Rottweiler in German.

[Adam Carolla]

You did?

[Jay Moore]

And it was. I do a joke about it where it's like. I used to lie and tell people so that if there's ever a home invasion, the commands could never be used against me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right. Because they don't know I trained them right.

[Jay Moore]

But in reality, all my friends when I lived in Manhattan were Jewish. And we'd play Madden till like five in the morning. And when I wanted to go to bed at night, when you look at a Rottweiler and say, kuga scheiber. And they all, like. They'd all jump off the couch like, we're leaving.

[Adam Carolla]

Kugel.

[Jay Moore]

Scheibe, by the way, means ballpoint pen.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Kugel, kugel.

[Jay Moore]

Ballpoint schiver, scribe.

[Adam Carolla]

Ball is kugel.

[Jay Moore]

Kugel.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Kugel. Remember Farfect Nugent? Yeah. There was a whole campaign Volkswagen about Volkswagen and the guy like did a couple hot laps at the Nuremberg ring and he'd come out and he'd go farfiknugan. And the other scientists would go like farfiknuganugan. And then I love the 70s and the 80s cuz we couldn't, we had no entertainment and we couldn't really do anything. And so what would happen is people would start putting bumper stickers on their car and they change Farfect Nugent to fucking grooving. Fucking grooving.

[Jay Moore]

Love it.

[Adam Carolla]

There are guys who had in and out bumper stickers on their car. This is probably more of a California thing. It would say In N out Burger had a whole bumper sticker campaign and everyone put In N out burger on their car. You know what they change it to? In n out urge to alert other folks on the freeway that you have the urge to fornicate all the time.

[Jay Moore]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

In N Out Urge Fucking Groovin was what would be next to it on your VW Rabbit?

[Jay Moore]

Best one I ever saw was the Dunkin Donuts logo. But it said fucking go nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Jay Moore]

I was like, wow, that's fucking go nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the whole point.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, let's go Farfung Fucking Groovin.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the one that hit me the hardest? Bumper stickers are weird in that it's interesting what you're trying.

[Jay Moore]

Piano tuner ad on your Jo Jaguar. Don't lecture me about bumper stickers. Mine says coexist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, does it? No. Millisecond. Millisecond.

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