Beth Stelling + Lita Ford (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Beth Stelling + Lita Ford (Carolla Classics)
Release Date: April 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode, hosted by Giovanni, features a curated double-header: Best moments from Adam Carolla Show #1538 (2015) with stand-up comedian Beth Stelling, music journalist David Wild, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop; and highlights from Show #1073 (2013) with rock icon Lita Ford, Dr. Bruce ("Dr. Spaz"), Allison Rosen, and Brian. The episode covers signature Adam Carolla humor, rants, candid interviews, and the offbeat topical banter fans expect, focusing chiefly on cultural taboos, therapy, stand-up life, onstage and backstage music stories, and the absurdities of everyday life.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

Part 1: Beth Stelling, David Wild, Gina Grad & Brian Bishop (Ep. 1538, 2015)

1. Challenging Taboos: Scientology, Group Action & Fear

• Adam reflects on how fear and intimidation once let groups like Scientology off the hook, comparing it to the way fear of reprisal suppresses criticism of extremist groups.
  • "If we're all in a prisoner camp and one guy makes a run for it, they'll shoot him... But if you all just sort of charge the gate at the same time, there's really nothing they can do." — Adam (02:11)
• He tells the story of being pressured in 1997 on Loveline to issue a scripted apology after Dr. Drew called Scientology a “cult,” asserting he ignored the intimidation and “nothing happened.”
  • "I learned pretty early on that there is no there there... if you just ignore the letter... usually the shit goes away." — Adam (12:14)
  • [Scientology & Standing Up Segment: 00:55–14:02]

2. Therapy, Real Change, and ‘Keys in the Basket’

• A call-in psychotherapist, Mindy from Maine, describes her work with troubled rural women and the practical challenges of therapy. Adam riffs on when change is possible (“putting keys in the basket”) versus when you just let go (“they’re never going to put the emotional keys in the basket”).

  • "Sometimes the answer is the other person needs to get their shit together... Just throw the keys in the basket!" — Adam (21:41)
  • "With losing weight, I would tell people: less Freud, more Fitbit." — David Wild (26:52)
  • [Therapy, Change, & Practicality: 16:42–27:22]

• Playful in-studio therapy for Gina over her aversion to returning friends’ calls.

  • “I’d walk into traffic for them before I'd pick up their call!” — Gina Grad (28:28)

3. Nicaraguan Name That Tune (with Ultimate Ears Giveaway)

• Signature goofy game segment: studio and audience compete to identify songs from “Nicaraguan” covers, featuring laugh-out-loud confusion over classic rock lyrics (“Living on a player!”).
  • [Game Segment: 31:05–41:00]

4. Standup Comedy Life with Beth Stelling

• Beth shares the grind of doing multiple sets a week, the physical toll on comedians, and wild stories about hecklers and rowdy late-night crowds.
  • “You know your voice is shot, but you blow it out anyway. Stand-up’s like sex when you’re 16—you don’t slow down even if your knee’s on fire.” — Adam (50:44)
  • Beth details handling disruptive audiences, security issues, and the difference fame makes in club treatment.
  • [Stand-Up Life Segment: 50:44–56:56]

5. In-Flight Comedy Riff

• Adam and the crew launch a hilarious improv about 90’s bands (e.g., Fastball, Lifehouse) playing "shows" aboard Southwest flights, poking fun at aging rockers and the indignities of the nostalgia circuit.
  • [Comedy Improv: 69:13–74:55]

6. News Highlights & Riffs

• Coverage of the Germanwings Flight 9525 crash, the psychology of impending disaster, and dark comedic observations about how people cope.
  • “You know what I think a hero would do? Light a cigarette. The stewardess will still come over to bust you, even if the wing’s on fire.” — Adam (65:14)
• Light news about Angelina Jolie's preventative surgeries, Dancing with the Stars gossip, and notes on the undervalued brilliance of Steely Dan.
  • [News Block: 61:30–96:41]

7. Showbiz Reality: The Late Late Show's First Night

• Adam and Gina discuss how new hosts (James Corden) get months to prep their debut, but the grind is in doing it daily:
  • “You start running out of that grace period. Talk to me in two months..." — Adam (83:07)
  • [Talk Show Realities: 80:24–85:17]

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Part 2: Lita Ford, Dr. Bruce, Allison Rosen & Brian Bishop (Ep. 1073, 2013)

1. Rocker Life: Lita Ford in Studio

• Lita Ford chats about her epic career, beginning with The Runaways at 13, her decade in the Turks and Caicos in a destructive marriage, and returning to the spotlight.
  • “I lived on North Caicos, population 1,500. No TV, literal isolation. Yes, I was being punished—by marriage.” — Lita Ford (163:16)
• Recollections of her parents letting her play rock gigs as a teen, horror stories of being on the road with the Ramones, and sorting out weird management (Kim Fowley).
• Hilarious shared memory with Adam about bizarre things thrown on stage: “My ex-boyfriend got knocked out with a frozen rump roast!” — Lita Ford (174:50)
  • [Lita Ford Interview & Stories: 161:11–177:01]

2. Health Watch with Dr. Bruce

• Bruce (“Dr. Spaz”) brings studies linking exercise with less alcohol-induced brain damage, risks of binge drinking in college, and the dilemma of secondhand smoke.

• Adam riffs: “Can we move on to real fucking problems? Cigarette smoke from the curtain isn’t killing anyone. I’ve conducted a 250-year study!” (129:43)

  • [Health Watch: 122:46–143:01]

• Adam expands: “There’s no substitute for wanting to get out of bed in the morning... Focus on a direction, focus on a muse. That’s better than any supplement.” (142:05)

3. Music and Movie Review Banter

• Brian reviews Iron Man 3; Adam and crew discuss sequels, the diminishing returns of adding more heroes/villains, and first-world problems in superhero movies.
  • “When you have a Hulk and Thor with a magic hammer, what’s the point of Iron Man?” — Brian Bishop (151:14)
  • [Iron Man 3 Review: 145:22–155:06]

4. More News & Unfiltered Riffs

• Allison Rosen reads news about the Cleveland kidnapping escape; Adam skewers police ineffectiveness:

  • “In the movies, cops do shit. In real life, they wait for the phone to ring.” — Adam (181:39)

• Noteworthy commentary on social judgment (or lack thereof) and the modern inability to spot the “freak in the circus” as everyone’s a “freak show” now.

  • [Cleveland Rescue Segment: 178:12–190:19]

• Elizabeth Smart discusses abstinence education and trauma guilt.

  • “She felt like chewed gum — that’s the problem with abstinence education.” — Allison Rosen (194:21)

• Adam’s war with gum on his shoes, featuring a long riff on indignities of LA street life and pride over shoes. (“But then they win.” — Adam, 196:58)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Let’s all please do that—tell these groups that try to stifle you to fuck themselves.” — Adam Carolla (09:35)
• “Sometimes the answer is the other person needs to get their shit together... The keys go in the fucking basket. That’s the answer!” — Adam (21:41)
• “Less Freud, more Fitbit.” — David Wild (26:52)
• “We were talking shit. And I learned pretty early on that there is no there there.” — Adam (12:14)
• Beth Stelling: “None of us know how to properly prep your voice for the vagina frame.” (51:17)
• “You know your voice is blown out. It doesn’t matter—you keep screaming in the mic.” — Adam (51:13)
• Lita Ford: “My ex-boyfriend got hit with a frozen rump roast—and got knocked out.” (174:50)
• “In a circus filled with freaks, who can tell who the bearded woman is?” — Adam (183:17)
• “There’s no amount of supplements and no amount of caffeine that can ever be substituted for enthusiasm.” — Adam (143:01)

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• [00:55–14:02] – Scientology, Group Action, & Adam’s Loveline story
• [16:42–27:22] – Therapy, Real Change, and Practical Life Lessons
• [31:05–41:00] – Nicaraguan Name That Tune
• [50:44–56:56] – Stand-up Comedy Life (Beth Stelling)
• [61:30–96:41] – News Block: Plane crash, Angelina Jolie, Steely Dan, etc.
• [161:11–177:01] – Lita Ford Interview: Runaways, Rock Life, Road Tales
• [122:46–143:01] – Dr. Bruce’s Health Watch (alcohol, smoke, supplements, energy)
• [145:22–155:06] – Iron Man 3 review & superhero first-world problems
• [178:12–190:19] – Cleveland kidnapping escape and modern freaks

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Episode Tone & Style

• Unfiltered, irreverent, and fast-paced: Classic Adam Carolla riffing, comedic exaggeration, and sharp pop-culture takes.
• Playful, combative, and supportive studio dynamic—especially in news and therapy discussions.
• The musicians’ interviews (Beth Stelling, Lita Ford) bring candid, behind-the-scenes grit; historical perspectives from the ’70s punk/glam rock scene meet the hustle of modern stand-up.

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For Listeners

• New and longtime fans will experience highlights from across the Carolla-verse: signature rants, sincere and hilarious reflections on therapy and relationships, game segments, music culture, pop-culture news, and oddball newsroom parody.
• The episode captures Adam’s contrarian worldview, the quietly brilliant input of his co-hosts, genuine industry insight from comic and musical guests, and a satisfying dose of wild, unfiltered comedy.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans select the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla show.

[B]

If you'd like to hear any of

[A]

the full episodes or clips presented in these episodes, make sure to check out Adam Carollo's substack adamcarollo.substack.com There you'll find ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Beat it Out. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarollo.com now on to the clips. Coming up, first day we have Adam Carollo Show 1538. This one's from 2015 featuring Beth Stelling, David Wilde, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. Check it out. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you and Baldwin.

[C]

Dem booty shots.

[D]

Astergerm wanted that with the hashtag top drop.

[A]

David Wilde is in studio.

[B]

Getting clear, Ace.

[A]

Yeah, here to get clear. Well, I'm glad you brought that up because you know, I rarely call myself a hero.

[D]

Do it just this once.

[A]

You know, I don't like to talk about myself, but again, do it just

[D]

as fast as people.

[A]

Ryan. All right, but mark this day on the calendar.

[B]

Soft shell crab.

[A]

Mark this on the calendar so we'll know that we can say I did it one time and one time only. I spoke about myself. Here's the deal. But let's use it as a. We'll go micro and then we'll get macro with it. So Scientology, it's going to be a new documentary coming out on HBO about it. And I think it's getting clear, right? Or going clear. And it's going to blow the lid off everything. But the lid has already been blown. There's been a few documentaries over the last few years. A few one on ones with guys that accounts accounts and things like that.

[C]

Couple of books.

[A]

Now it's the kind of should have

[B]

been called Getting Blown. It's a John Travolta story or something like that.

[A]

It's the kind of thing where if, if we're all in a prisoner camp and one guy makes a run for it, they'll shoot him. And then if we take a week off and another guy makes a run for it, he'll get shot in the back too, if that's the way you want to do it. But if you all just sort of charged a gate at the same time, there's really nothing they can do. And so forever Scientology. And everyone used to say, oh, you do. Do not mess with Scientology individually.

[B]

I'm gonna leave the studio now if that's okay.

[A]

You do not mess with Scientology. They will fuck your shit up. They will find you, ruin your credit. You'll see guys in front of you parked in front of your house at night and stuff like that. If you have a microphone or a camera. Do not mess with Scientology. And they had a pretty good thing going for a while.

[D]

Yeah, the word got around.

[A]

Nobody messed with Scientology for a long time. It was a sentence. Now this is the micro, the macro version I'm trying to alert the world to is ISIS and Al Qaeda and stuff like that. Yeah, one journalist at a time draws a picture of Allah. Or one guy steps up at a time, or one groups up. But when everybody steps up at once, if everybody did a cartoon that depicted Allah in it on the same Friday of the same day in the same month and it went worldwide, there's really nothing. They could and they wouldn't.

[B]

You go first.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Let's all do it at once. And you'll see these things just sort of. They're toppled in front of you. So Scientology. Whereas again, you couldn't say a word about them back in the day. Now there's movies. You know the guy who made this film, Alex Gibney. Alex Gibney who was on this show some years ago. He would have had to go into seclusion after this if this was the year 2000. But. And again, I don't like to talk about myself.

[D]

You're already down this path. You might as well take this opportunity, your once a year opportunity. Come on.

[A]

I'll play a clip from Loveline from. Was it 97? 1997. Kennedy, the then virgin Kennedy from MTV.

[C]

I love that.

[B]

This is before the Kennedy assassination.

[A]

Different. Kennedy was in on fire. We'll just keep going forward. How about you put some weight back on? Let's just shed a few. Well, it's happened to more than one corpulent comedian. All right, so this is. This is 97. All right, I will play. Play this. This is when they sent. This is how they rolled. They sent Scientology. Scientology sent us a pre written script to act out on air.

[D]

But you had said something disparaging.

[A]

Set it up.

[D]

You had said something disparaging before.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It wasn't random. Drew called them a cult.

[D]

Fucking Drew.

[A]

Yeah. 1997. All right, here we go. All right, we're not going to do the Scientology skit. Casual mock thought out apology, but we will. We will get to it at some point tonight. Here's basically, I don't think I would typically not refer to them as a cult, so that's interesting. They would single me out, as usual to complain about Drew. Drew, according to them, called Scientology occult. And they sent a long winded multi page letter to producer Ann, which I have not read yet. But it goes something like this. He's offended that we. That Drew called it a cult. He thinks my name is Andrew.

[E]

I love that.

[A]

Or maybe he's just taken the word and and Drew and combined them into one hybrid. And he wants us to apologize. And not only does he want us to apologize over there, he's actually scripted it for us. That's great. Which I would prefer, by the way. In real life. I wish that people would do this. I'd like to. What's this guy? Greg LeClaire. I would like to use this guy in real life, like when I f up with my family and stuff. He could actually just write out an apology and I could just tape it and send it into them. I'll just do it over the air. Mom, I want you to listen between 10 and 10:45 on. Greg has prepped a nice apology for me. I'm gonna work through it and it'll be very organic. Let me just give Greg's brief description here. Dear Anne, blah, blah, blah. I think the best way for them to handle this on the air would simply be to read my letter slash facts on the air. It could be during the beginning of the show when they were talking back and forth before actually taking calls. It could be done in a professional manner which takes responsibility for what he said. That sounded a little strange, yet doesn't make him look bad. So see, you could save some face and apologize and I could come off as a, you know, professional. I'm not. Maybe we should. I don't know. Greg Again, Greg LeClaire from. What is that Colt call again? No, from Scientology. I would. I would like Greg to send in other apologies for us to do. We could apologize to the Jews for World War II on behalf of the Germans. We could apologize to the blacks for the enslavement and the oppression. Whatever. What other. Whatever other groups need. Native American. I'm sorry, no. There you go. That'd be. There'd be a runner. An addendum to that.

[F]

Apologize for the interment of the Japanese

[A]

during World War II. There's. These are. Greg, these are all good topics. I hope you hear this and you're busily Typing away. And other religions we may have offended. Is he a good writer? Well, it's. It's not real organic. Well, Drew, do you just want to try this? Let's just do the first half. Scared shitless right now. Let's just do the beginning of the. Let's take some calls. That's what he says. He's a hero. Drew, you play yourself. Adam, I want to clear the air on something here. You mean you basically screwed up on something and now you're going to fix it, Right? Basically. I just received a fact from the vice president of the Church of Scientology Celebrity center in response to a statement on the air that I made about a week and a half ago. Andrew. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. When you were talking about blank. Oh, what is that? I don't know what he was talking about. I don't know. I don't. I don't know what that blank is. He left a space. I guess he wanted me to improv there. He doesn't know me. I work off a teleprompter and stated that they were cultural, like Scientology. Oh, I guess you're talking about some other religion, Andrew. Yes. The facts goes like this. Now you can read the whole letter. Oh, that's where you read the entire letter?

[G]

Yes.

[A]

Well, just apologize. Say I didn't call it a cult. I didn't know, nor really would let me apologize. Go screw yourself, you nutballs. Hero. Yeah.

[D]

Cutting edge.

[A]

Yeah. 1997 on the Vanguard. Everyone else is cowering. Yeah, exactly. That's right. So I've been telling everyone to fuck off for, like, 20 years, but no one will listen to me.

[D]

You have a long, glorious history, but

[A]

at some point it comes around, and you guys join me in telling these groups that try to stifle you to fuck themselves. So let's all please do that. Can we?

[B]

If we'd only listen to Adam, Battleship Earth might never have been released.

[A]

We never do it early. It's scary to do early now. Everyone after this doc runs is going to now get into their Scientology stuff. You gotta be the first wave.

[D]

It's like your point about the. You're like the crocodile hunter who used to jump on top of crocodiles, and everyone was scared of it. And now it's like, oh, now who doesn't does it? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That is.

[D]

It's just common, accepted practice, right?

[A]

All right.

[B]

I've gotten into some writing situations where the church was giving me notes, and that's an interesting. Whatever you think of getting notes from a network or studio, wait till you get Them from a church.

[D]

Oh, like a biography you were writing or something.

[B]

A speech.

[D]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

Paying tribute to a big movie star where lines are added that you have to sort of argue taste and logic with a church. I also. Can I speak to the Jewish Celebrity center, which would be any temple. But no, I had to go the other way.

[A]

Do they contact you?

[B]

I have been, yes.

[A]

And they're like, this person has passed, and maybe Tom Cruise is going to read some stirring words about this person or something like that. Somebody maybe we've heard of.

[B]

Oh, no, definitely someone you've heard of being paid tribute to.

[D]

I'm guessing this is more like a night to honor Giovanni Ribisi and it's. You know. And Beck is gonna speak.

[B]

Yeah, he was closer with the Tom Cruise thing. Yeah, I love Tom Cruise and I want to hear what he says about Paul Newman. So I think we should move on here.

[C]

So you've never been contacted personally? Like, you haven't gotten a letter, you know, a certified mail to your house?

[A]

We. No, we got this piece back in 97. It was a script to act out on the air. It was faxed, and we were told to act it out on air with just the general understanding, like the Mafia, that no one's going to be foolish enough not to do our bidding. And I basically told him to fuck off. And that's probably when I learned pretty early on that nothing really happens. This whole deal. There's a version where one guy writes a letter to Jack Silver and says he speaks for all Asians and he's gonna get the station shut. It's one fucking guy who works out of a shitty office above his dad's Benihana and he's gonna write one fucking letter. And for some reason.

[B]

Watch it with Benny Hanna.

[A]

I was gonna say factual.

[D]

I don't want that letter from them, though.

[A]

It's factual. He is related to the dude.

[D]

Delicious.

[A]

The point is this.

[B]

I'm tossing a shrimp right now to Brian, hoping he can imagine this pocket.

[A]

Even Atlanta's hat. Or Spocket. Yeah.

[D]

But train out of the onion.

[A]

The onion volcano later that day when he's killed by seagulls because he goes out for smoke bites. Leave me alone. It's like Alfred Hitchcock.

[B]

Birds, too.

[A]

The point is, we were talking shit. And I learned pretty early on that there is no there there. So if you just ignore the letter from the guy who says he speaks for all, whatever the group is, usually the shit goes away. But no one wants to chance that, so they just kind of pucker up and then do some sort of feigned apology. And most apologies. When I say most apologies, I mean 100% that you hear on the air are only there to try to avoid whatever. Getting fired, getting laid off, being financially, mainly financially impacted by whatever it is you said.

[C]

It's not something. You know, last night I tossed and turned and it just wasn't sitting right with me. That doesn't happen.

[A]

No, it's always provoked. It's never unprovoked. On rare occasion, there's the apology to avoid a divorce, things like that. Now Jack Silver doesn't bring that one on. That's just more. Honey, if you're listening, but that's another financial decision.

[B]

I just want to apologize for Adam because I personally think all religion should be created by failed science fiction writers trying to create a business. It just seems like a good way to start a religion.

[A]

It just gets crazier and crazier.

[B]

It's a good foundation.

[A]

I'm telling you guys about a business that's not failed. Arctic Ease, man. Runners, lifters, weekend warriors. You get injured, you don't want to stop, you stop. You slow down. How many steps a day you take. David Wild.

[B]

I've had four days. I just got my average for the week. My first week ever with 30,000 step average per day for the last seven days.

[A]

You want to keep going. Sometimes the joints hurt. Arctic Ease instant cold wraps. We got in the back, did my hand up, held the gloves for Evander Holyfield. Did a little wrap after that. No freezer needed. It's reusable. You can cut it. It's long lasting and it stays in place. So don't put the training on ice, baby. Get the reusable. Arctic Ease cold wraps at CVS or visit arcticease.com that's arcticease.com. all right, got some phone calls here. We're going to do a little Nicaraguan Name that tune.

[B]

Of course we are. Not that old chestnut.

[A]

Now, do we have the calls up there?

[D]

Those are the contestants.

[A]

Those are the contestants.

[D]

I have no intro, FYI. Oh, Dawson.

[A]

Dawson's got it. So hold on, let me check with a couple of these contestants here. Emily?

[F]

Yes. Hi, how are you?

[A]

38 from Florida. How are you doing?

[F]

I'm doing well. Hopefully I'm at the top of my game here.

[A]

What's going on in Florida?

[F]

It's hot. We didn't have any. That's per usual. People just doing weird things around here like always.

[A]

I love it. So what do you do there?

[F]

I'm about to start a freelance job of writing things like that. I'm taking a leap of faith and

[A]

hopefully it will work out well. You know, David Wilde is a freelance writer. It's worked out quite nice.

[F]

I really hope I can just be a tenth as successful, but probably not even that.

[B]

You better go for at least a fifth, possibly a third, but thank you.

[A]

Right, exactly what kind of stuff do you do?

[F]

Right now I'm doing some landing pages for websites. Things that you never knew existed behind the scenes. Why does something end up at the top of a Google search? Something else doesn't matter.

[A]

I never thought about the Internet. There's tons and tons of writing that needs to go on. SEO.

[D]

Search engine optimization.

[A]

Exactly.

[F]

SEO. Yep, that's it.

[A]

All right, Emily, hang on for a second. I'll figure this out as we, as we go along. Mindy, 43, from Maine.

[C]

Yes, hi.

[A]

What's going on? What are you doing in Maine?

[F]

We have a nice day. It's actually in the low 40s, which is a beach day for us.

[A]

And what do you do there?

[D]

This is your version of traffic picking weather?

[F]

Yeah, I'm a psychotherapist.

[A]

Oh, and who do you see mainly these days?

[F]

I see mostly women in their early 50s that have had trauma in their life and are now kind of trying to hang on.

[A]

What is, is there a topic du jour in the therapist's office these days? I mean, is there something that is coming up more now than it, you know, what would be the climate change, if you will? You know, would climate change not never really Discuss climate change 10 years ago? Too much now is a lot of climate change discussion. What would be that? Yeah, what would be trending?

[F]

I see such a, I'm in rural Maine, so there's, it's, people are, are pretty poor and you know, there's a lot of poverty. So a lot of people are just stressed about finances, about keeping the lights on and their trailers and stuff like that. So it's a lot of, just kind of a lot of financial stress.

[A]

And who's paying you?

[F]

The state of Maine and Maine Care, which is our. I work for an agency and I do community mental health. So it's, I get paid through the grants that we have for Medicare.

[A]

Maybe we should just cut you out since their main worry is keeping the lights on in their trailer and just give that cash to them and they can pay their electric bill.

[B]

I think Mindy's doing God's work, so.

[A]

Yeah, well, their main concern is not keeping the heat on in the trailer.

[B]

That was concern.

[A]

And Mindy's she's gouging. I mean. I mean, she's going at 55 bucks. 55 bucks every 50 minutes from the state. Let's go ahead and cut out the Mindy man.

[D]

What is your hourly rate? Mindy, what's your hourly rate?

[F]

I get about $45 an hour, but I'm actually going into private practice and we'll be making maybe twice that.

[A]

Oh, good. And now what would you say? Because I feel like it's kind of weird because therapists have this relationship where they don't really want their clients to leave. On the other hand, I feel like they should go out and whatever work they've done, go put real world applications, go out and do it now.

[F]

I totally agree.

[A]

So what is your philosophy for that? Because, like, I know people like my buddy Ray, who sees my dad as a therapist. It's been 20 years. He still live in an apartment, but he gets to check the box where he's seeing a therapist. My dad gets a check.

[B]

Ray sees your dad.

[A]

How do I not know that?

[B]

That is the greatest fact of all time. It's clearly working out well.

[A]

Oh, if a meteor. If a meteor ever hit my dad's house when Ray was on the sofa, it'd be the day the loser died. Mo. Just fucking sitting there talking about the trumpet or something. I don't know what's going on, but my dad's getting a little bit stipend and Ray gets to check the box, but he still does demo work and flip flops. And my thing with people is it's good to talk about it, but then go out and do it, you know.

[F]

Well, I totally agree.

[C]

And that actually, to that end, Mindy, do you do any cognitive behavioral therapy, or is that your area of interest?

[F]

I do a lot of that. I do a lot of that's like

[C]

the real world applications stuff, so.

[E]

Right.

[F]

What Adam was saying is, you know, I try to keep people focused on how. How do you know when you're done with therapy? You know, how will you know when this is done? And having that kind of in their mind lets them be thinking about, how am I going to live without this? Because it's not going to be a permanent thing. And I don't think anybody should be, you know, in therapy, sorry, Ray, for 20 years if they're not seeing any kind of results. And so I ask people a lot, you know, what are you getting out of this? How are you using? I teach a lot of people, you know, kind of. I'm pushing people pretty regularly to Be thinking, you know, independently. That's a great.

[A]

There's another part of therapy that I can't stand either, which is when you're doing the thing where you're like, look, I got it. I think this came up about a year ago. Not seeing the woman anymore. Maybe this is part of it, but you are not seeing the one anymore, not the therapist. I said, listen, I tell my wife, put the keys in the same place, because sometimes you're taking a nap and I want to move your car and I can't find your keys because they're in your purse. And your.

[B]

We're all well aware of this argument.

[A]

Whatever. Just put it in the same basket by the front door every day and never talk about it again. And they'll do the thing where they'll go, well, obviously they're not doing that and they're not going to do that, or they don't choose to do that. So the answer is, you need to get past that. And I'm like, sweetie, that ain't the answer. The answer's a fucking keys go in the fucking basket. That's the answer. Not the answer of me getting past this. That's not the. Why does everything have to be me getting past this? Throw the fucking keys in the basket and we'll get the fuck on with our lives. That's the answer. Not me getting past this. And by the way, I can't get past it because I need to move the car sometimes and you're not around and I can't get past the other car. So why is this thing where it's like, you need to manage your expectations, you need to know there are. Sometimes the answer is the other person needs to get their shit together. If what you're asking is a one and a half or two on the

[B]

Asco meter, I'm shocked this didn't work out with you and the therapist because it sounds like you really came in with the right.

[A]

A lot of it. A lot of it is just like them going, just, look, people aren't willing to fill in the blank. It's zero. But, you know, they're not willing to turn the space heater off when they leave the house for the day. So you're going to have to. And I'm like, this, not that. This is them learning to shut the fucking space here off before they leave for the day. I don't. I don't need to get past that.

[B]

No.

[A]

By the way, you should hope we all don't get past that. Will go up and think exactly the

[B]

same lesson about actually taking action as opposed to just sort of following is, you know, seven months ago, my wife said, do you want to go to a therapy marriage therapist, or do you want to go to a nutritionist? And I said, I am more concerned about the shit that will come up at the marriage therapist. So I'm going to go nutritionist.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I went to a nutritionist, you know, and she was kind of attractive, and she actually, I think she'd been on this, brought it in the Corolla world she's been on. But any case, that was better because she told me to walk. And the truth is, like you always say, I've got the best therapy.

[A]

When you walked into her office, did she talk? Did she say, hold my calls. Hold all of my calls and slam the thing down? No. And she said, start moving. Exactly.

[B]

And that's all. Literally, that changed my life. It made me happier, better person, made my own marriage, relationship at it. Everything better, right? Absolutely everything better.

[A]

It was. It's called win, win. Your wife gets a thinner you, you get a happier, healthier you. Your heart valves are happy. The relationship is better. Yeah. Just start walking.

[B]

Just put those keys in the basket. Damn it.

[A]

There you go. And which Lynette does, by the way. Now. But I'm saying the answer is not me getting over it. And the answer is not your wife just sort of looking past you, which is physically impossible a year ago. But what I'm saying is it's no, it's not that. There is an answer. It involves you doing something, a little bit of work that's good for you. Yes. And it's healthy for you, and you know where your ass went. You know where keys are.

[C]

And I have a feeling that if this went the other way and it was not maybe your wife, but a wife saying, he just never does this, and if he did this thing, it would make life so much easier. She would say, well, do you not respect your wife? Could you not just do this thing for her?

[A]

Right.

[G]

No.

[C]

It might not be the same both

[A]

ways we have taken. Like I said, we went a little. I understand the part where there is a part of life. And Mindy, you tell me, and then we'll play Nicaragua. Name that.

[B]

This is all the greatest setup ever for that.

[A]

No. But every once in a while, somebody will say, you know, what's your dad? Or, what'd your mom think of roadheart? And I'll go, I have no idea. And they'll go, oh, why not? I don't think they've Seen it. I don't think they're gonna see it. Or maybe they'll see it.

[D]

I don't.

[A]

I have no idea. And then they go, well, don't you? Isn't important to you, or wouldn't you like it if. And I said, I got over that 40 years ago. I can't sit around and wish that they would be different than who they are, because that's who they are. They're not excited about. By the way, they wouldn't watch my sister's movie either. Not that hers would be as funny as her.

[C]

They're not going to put the emotional keys in the basket.

[A]

They're not. Yeah, they're not there. They're not going to do it. Sorry, no emotional keys. No, no, no, no.

[C]

In the validation basket.

[A]

The point is, I'm not trying to change them. The movie came out three weeks ago. I've not called my mom and went, so, anything you want to tell me? No, I don't care. I moved on because that I'm not changing. That is who they are, and I'd be a fool to try to change it. And I would end up hurting myself more because I would find out, I completely agree, that they didn't watch it and they weren't that interested, and I would take it out on myself. Check that box. Keys. Something different. Not that. So how do you change someone? Well, you can't change my mom emotionally and get her interested in road hard, but keys in the basket you can do. And I'm saying there's some things to work on and some things to move on from.

[B]

With losing weight, I would tell people, less Freud, more Fitbit. That's the truth is it's better to have some numbers that you can actually check on yourself than to deal with your bedwetting issues, which God knows I had many.

[D]

Did you deal with those?

[B]

I'm still grappling.

[A]

Mindy. Yes, I know. You agree with me wholeheartedly.

[F]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Actually, that's the healthiest statement of saying, you know, I can't change my parents. They have no motivation to change, so I don't want them to change. Why would I waste my time? And I think you got it. You nailed it.

[A]

Well, what do you think of this? And I'm going to load this again. But when people say, am I right

[D]

or am I really right?

[A]

Am I right or am I scrumdillyicious Right. No. Or am I just radically correct when I say this? The therapist saying, like, well, have you ever said to your dad. That it's really important for you to be there at the Long Beach Grand Prix when you win the race or read the book or watch a movie. Yeah. If I went to his house with the movie and sat down with him and said, dad, it's really important to me that you take an interest in. And then at the end, I'll grab both his hands and put them together so it makes an applause simulation. No, that's not important to me. The part that's important is that he wants to do it. Me telling him to do it is not really getting anywhere emotionally for me. So that's a stupid answer from a therapist. Like, you sit down and say, it's very important to me that you take an interest in. It's fucking insane.

[B]

But is it possible your dad is a good therapist for other people?

[A]

It could be. Yes.

[B]

That's the amazing thing.

[A]

Contractor's house is always the worst one on the block.

[C]

Yep, exactly.

[A]

That's what they say.

[C]

And, you know, I actually understand this from the other side of the coin because I've had trouble my entire life keeping friendships together because I refuse to call people back. I have a weird thing. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like a lot of interaction, even though I have wonderful friends. I'd walk into traffic for them before I'd pick up their call. So everyone takes it personally. Everybody thinks I don't like them. Everybody goes, what's wrong with me?

[E]

What did I do?

[C]

Why is Gina like this? And I don't know why I'm like this, but I can't change. I've tried. It didn't work.

[D]

Mindy, what's wrong with Gina?

[A]

What's wrong with Gina?

[B]

We only have half an hour.

[F]

Gina's perfect. We love Gina.

[A]

She can't call people back.

[C]

I feel like I have. My heart's in the right place, and I have really, really great friends. But there is definitely something lacking in the communication part for me, and I've tried to change.

[B]

What about phone sex?

[A]

Do you call people back if they

[C]

will have sex with me? I will call them back.

[A]

Hey, Mindy.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Hang on one second.

[D]

She wins.

[A]

She wins. Garner.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Man.

[H]

Adam.

[A]

Napa, Maine to Napa. Garner from Maine and then Chicago after that. That's really all points in between.

[D]

Garner from Napa. If you're not rich, I'm going to be very disappointed.

[A]

I am very not rich. God damn it. You ready to play the game? I am. I have no idea. You got to tell me, Gary, how do we how do we orchestrate this? You guys are each going to play the game. Everyone in the studio is going to play. They're each going to play one of these contestants. I got Mindy.

[D]

We have a last person.

[A]

David. Yeah, David.

[B]

Who do I get?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Chicago game. You ready to play? Okay. Yeah. He's pissed. We're ready to play. He's angry. You take him, Brian.

[D]

He quoted my drop.

[A]

Let's play some games. Okay. All right, so you play now, Angry David. Gina, why don't you play for Emily? It'll be easier. And, David, you play for Garner from Napa.

[B]

Garner. Definitely not a Jew.

[A]

Yeah. Although garnish. All right, here we go. Now, the guy who's playing sort of is. James King's the sax player from Fitz and the Tantrums. And he's going to be listening to the Nicaraguan song, and we're betting on

[D]

whether he knows it.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And the winner, by the way, Ulan's going to receive some Ultimate Ears 1900s headphones. The ones that fit in very nicely. Yes. Go ahead.

[C]

Is there, like a pre interview with him that we get his vibe so we know what he's into?

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay, great.

[A]

Nam Edition, The national association of Music Merchants. This is James King from Fits in the Tantrums. Can James figure out what Ozzy is singing? Sadie Yolk is to the feet? We'll see. And somebody's gonna win a pair of UE9 hundreds. The ultimate ears Noise Isolating earphones that ain't water. So kind of wild Audi here. That's just like a whole other language right there. Nicaraguan. Nam Edition. Name that tune. All right, let's go. First up, Dawson's queuing up. You know what? Hang on for a second. Squatty, potty, hemorrhoids, constipation, difficulty going bathroom. Posture, man, you need the right posture. Think about how bad that posture is on the commode. I mean, slumped forward. Yeah.

[D]

Legs falling asleep.

[A]

That's right. Feet need to come up. The guy invented this. Just had a mom that had some problems, and he put, like, coffee cans down there for her to. And then he said, you know what? Somebody ought to invent something for this.

[D]

If you're on painkillers or, like, you're just recovering from surgery or something like that, or chemo, for God's sake, then this is something that could really help you.

[B]

Or just wiped out.

[D]

Or just wiped out.

[C]

This could save someone from having surgery. All kinds of stuff.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And not only that, it's just the right posture for this. So you know. Well, let's. I'll put it to you this way. 25 years ago, I drove around a pickup truck that had a bench seat in it. Brian had the same, as did I. And that's just some foam rubber and a big bench piece of crappy sofa that just sit there. And now car seats have lumbar supports and side support and whatever. Well, what is it? Well, they've gotten better.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You can just sit there on your bench and take a dump. Or you can. You can use the Squatty Potty. They got the slim edition now, which is really, I think, looks like a nice piece of furniture. It is the way to go.

[B]

That's my goal, Ace. To get to the slim edition of the Squatty Potty.

[A]

Squatty Potty.

[B]

That's where I'm headed.

[A]

Squattypotty.com. you do it today. You give them the coupon code Adam. They give you a free bottle of Sweet Sweet Lou.

[B]

If Elvis had been on one of these, he might still be with us.

[A]

Oh, he would.

[B]

I'd like to thank the king.

[A]

Probably be in studio right now. Yeah. Before you go. The Sweet Lou, by the way, is for a little before you go, bathroom deodorizer. Yeah, the preemptive strike. I like that. Squatty Potty. That's S, Q, U, A, T, T, Y, P, O, T, T, Y dot com. Promo code Adam. Squattypotty. Good guys, Good product. All right, here we go. Young T shirt. This is yet old school girl fantasy. So that's the police.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Oh, it doesn't matter if we know it, obviously, because that's don't stand so close.

[A]

Right. Hey, that song, he brought some of

[B]

the same raw sensuality that Sting.

[A]

Did that sound a little better? Lolita.

[B]

Ish scenario.

[A]

All right, so is James gonna know that one?

[D]

I'm gonna say no because I hesitated for a second.

[A]

He's in. In music.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You say no, Gina.

[C]

I think he's gonna know it.

[B]

I say yes.

[A]

I say yes too, because by the

[C]

end of it, you can at least make out the lyrics.

[A]

Let's hear young teacher. This is yet old school girl fantasy. Katy Perry. No, no, no.

[H]

Police.

[B]

Pulled that out of his Squatty Potty.

[D]

Katy Perry was his first guest.

[A]

Jesus. All right, so let's see. Let me write this down.

[B]

I think he was going teenage dream, and then he pulled it out.

[A]

Brian down one.

[B]

Sorry.

[D]

David from Chicago.

[C]

You're welcome, Emily.

[A]

All right, here we go. I see the needle and the damage done. A little part in the video one. All Right. Neil Young.

[D]

Boy, the name of the song's right there in the lyric.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is it called the Needle in the damage done? Yeah, the damage done.

[B]

The Needle and the Damage Done is the title.

[D]

And this is a single, right? I hear this on the radio.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

A drug addled singer.

[D]

I say he knows it, yes.

[C]

He knows it, yes.

[A]

I say no. I'm trying to see if we can get. See if we can jump up here. I'm saying he might know it's Neil Young, but maybe he screws the title up. All right, here we go. I see the needle and the damage done. A little part in the video one. Oh, man. I just want to sing along with him all day, but I can't place what the song is. Hurt. No, no, that's not it. Is it hurt?

[B]

I thought it was the damaged dung when Ozzy does it.

[A]

Neil, there's been some damage done when I dropped the needle on a lot of your records. Ears are killing me. Yeah. All right, listen. I like Peppermint Girl. Sorry, Garner. Cinnamon Girl. That's right. Same flavor. All right. Two, zero, zero, two, one and one. Mindy, how you feeling about our chances about now?

[F]

I'm feeling pretty good.

[A]

Mm. Okay, chillax. We'll keep going. Hi, I'm. She giving me hesitation. All right. Good vibration.

[B]

He's Brian Wilson, actually. That's the amazing part.

[A]

I say he knows the first couple of words.

[C]

I wasn't sure, but he's got to know this.

[B]

If he doesn't know this, he's got to be out of Fitz and the tantrum.

[C]

Yeah. Yes. I say yes.

[B]

I say yes.

[A]

Yes, Brian. Okay. They all say yes. I am picky on God vibration. She giving me a situation. Good vibrations. Yeah.

[D]

He's enjoying this game.

[C]

He's having a good time.

[A]

All right, let's see. 101. That's basically what I'm writing down for Gina and David Wild. Right? We did three.

[B]

I have two. I'm two and one.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I'm just. I'm going in order here. You got the first one. Missed the second one. Got the first one.

[C]

So you're in the leader.

[A]

Yes, I'm three for three. You guys are two for three. All right, Brian is one for three. Okay. Zero, zero, one. That's how I'm doing this. All right, here we go. Woe ho and weary Whoa Living on the player.

[D]

Oh, yeah Living on the player.

[A]

What was that? Living on a prayer. It was. I don't think he knows this. I built houses with this guy. Believe me. I speak fluent Ozzy.

[D]

There's no way the guy in the lead goes first.

[A]

Okay. I'm. I'm saying. Well, I knew it was living on a prayer, but no one else did, so let's hear it one more time. Let's hear it one more time. Woe we highway weary Whoa Living on

[C]

the player Sounded like you said we're

[A]

highway weary Living on the player Living on the player all right. By the way, I've spoken to people who speak his native language and say that he speaks gibberish in his own language. So it's not a barrier. That's the Hoover Dam. I'm gonna say no. Yeah.

[C]

There's no way.

[B]

No.

[D]

I gotta say yes to try and get back in it.

[A]

All right. Whoa, we are weary Whoa Living on the. We're halfway here. It's very good. Living on a prairie no way. No way. Yes. I'm back. Big goose egg for all of us. Is that even possible? Big racing strike for ball, Bryan.

[B]

Living on the player and for James King.

[C]

Literally said needle and the damage done, but got this.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

That's why they play the game. That's why it's called Nicaragua. All right, we got one more. So let's see what we can do here. I thought you hear you laughing. I tried. You hear you sing? I think I try. Saw you try. All right, well, this is tough.

[C]

I know how I'm going.

[A]

All right, let's all write our answer down and not say it aloud. Okay, so that's. What's their names over there? Michael, Stipe, and company. Let's see now. Let's see. Brian's got two, I got three, and you guys both have two. Shit. All right, so just write a yes or no. Let's say. Or should we do that way?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I wrote down mine. We will let him reveal his answer, and then we will reveal what we wrote down.

[D]

Slow plan.

[A]

Thank you. I thought. You hear you laughing. I tried. You hear you sing? I think I try Saw you try Losing my religion all right. I had yes.

[E]

I had yes.

[F]

I had yes.

[B]

I had no.

[A]

I had no.

[D]

But you put your lead. You already had the lead, so it's academic.

[A]

Yep. I had four. Yeah, man. Four out of five, everybody. Mindy, let me open the flap to the winner's tent, and I'd like to invite you in.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. Mm. Kick your shoes off outside. All right.

[C]

It's more of a yurt.

[A]

It's more of a yurt.

[D]

Mindy, did you incorporate any of Adam's

[A]

teachings into your therapy, actually, I think I do.

[F]

You'd be surprised. I've been a long time listener and a lot of knowledge of Adams has gotten in and so yeah, I would say I definitely do.

[A]

Thank you, Mindy. You're a hero.

[F]

Love you guys.

[A]

I stay on hold, stay on hold. You got to get your ultimate ears here. Do we have an outro? Thanks, Ozzy. Yep, I'll hear it. Thanks to James King from Fitz and the Tantrums. Visit Fitz and the Tantrums and thanks to NAMM. Learn more at nam.org and Ultimate Ears. Espeno, Nicaraguan. Name that tune. Ah, Reverie bed. Love my Reverie sleep system. That's exactly what it is that Molly splayed out on that bad boy today. Put the little vibrator going on there, buzzing away. Nothing better. Nothing better than that 20 minute nap. Right to vibrate on it. They got the patented DreamCell technology. It's adjustable. Lift the back up. Go with the zero gravity position. Go with the anti snore position. 888, 88, 59, 90. Or you can go to sleeplikeam.com. try it out. 101 nights free. That's right, free. Look, we talk about these simple things whenever someone lost a bunch of weight. Like our own David Wild. I always look at Brian, I go, how'd you lose all the weight? It's always the same thing. Started walking magic pills. Knocked off the soda and started walking.

[D]

Diet and exercise.

[A]

That's it. All right. Simple. Get a good bed. It's one of the many things that no school ever discusses. No school counselor ever discusses. And there's no father son talks. There's a lot of. Let me tell you about women, but that never works either. Get a good bed.

[D]

You talk about the birds and the bees. Talk about the birds and the z's.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, Brian.

[A]

What about the nest? Let's try to do it on. I'm just saying get a good bed and keep it for the rest of your life. And use it every single damn day. Give them a call. Learn more. You can purchase a. If you purchase the Reverie sleep system, you get a $250 voucher for. For accessories. And it can't be applied toward the cost of the bed. But all the other stuff. I mean, hell, that's a hell of a duvet cover. Give them a call and let them know I sent you 888-888-5990. Do it for yourself, man. By the way, you want to talk about a gift? I mean your wife, your husband, vice Versa, whatever. You can get them that certificate for the spa treatment or whatever it is. This is every day.

[D]

They come home from work and they see this thing every day.

[A]

Plus, it's the best kind of gift. It's the kind where you get to use half. I enjoy it as much. Yeah. All right, let's see what else we got here. A little bit of business. Us and Irvine coming up tonight. That's right. Ralphie May up on stage with us tonight in Irvine at the Improv. Also, some tickets on sale coming up in jolly old England. We're going to London town, Everybody. Go to AdamCarolla.com for that. Take a Knee. Mark Garagos, Boy, that guy was good. John Resig, the guy who started the Chive, is on this week. And then Mark Garagos is just a force of GD nature. Be on next week. But if you want to subscribe to Take a Knee, it's good. It's motivational. Get something out of it. Save a little of that money you're spending on knee Therapist.

[B]

I loved your Wu Tang Clang excursion on Take a Knee. That was fantastic.

[A]

Well, the thing. Thank you. The thing that I really like about that is I don't know almost anything about RZA and the Wu Tang Clan going. Going in. I mean, I know.

[B]

So you're a different clan.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know a lot about how he got to wherever he got to, but to be honest, I don't know a ton about Norman Lear or Mark Garagos either. I don't know what their stories were. You know, I love when these guys tell their stories. They're like, every Saturday, Mark Gargos was sitting there earlier today, and he was just like, every Saturday, my dad told me I had to go down to the stream, get a bunch of rocks, bring them up, and make little dams to go around the trees in the yard. And his dad was an attorney. He just wanted his son to work. And I was like, it's Saturday. Yeah, you could sit around and watch cartoons, but you're going down the stream, you get the rocks, you put them around. And how these guys, 50 years later, just always remember those kinds of stories. And by the way, no matter how much your kid is bitching when you're telling them to do that, somehow 50 years later, when they're on my podcast, they look at it with great reverence.

[B]

And that's why I like seeing your staff out there putting rocks around your car.

[A]

When I got here today, that's right. Those are cigarette butts and that's Dawson. All right, so you can subscribe@corolla adamcorolla.com archive and you get all the archive shows, all the ones, all the ACS shows and all the taken ease and all that as well. All right, let's see. David Wilde, what do we got for you?

[B]

Oh, my plug. Yeah, it's a little different. I have to do my plug myself today because this is okay if you don't hate me, which I know is a small subsection of you who are listening. And if you loved the Beatles and a guy named Ringo Starr, follow me at Wild about music. That's wild about music and follow Ringo at ringostarmusic and in the next day or so he'll be announcing something really cool we're doing that you would like to be a part of. So follow Wild about music and Ringo Starr music. He's got a great album coming out and we're doing something really cool in the next week that I would like you all to be a part of.

[D]

It's not necessary for them to follow you so much as is follow Ringo.

[C]

He'll retweet it.

[B]

From what I'm getting what Ringo says. Well, when, yeah, when Ringo tweets, he'll say follow. So, yeah, so fuck you.

[A]

Best selling Yes. I gotta live this every day. Bestselling Claire coming in studio next. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

This is the mantra. Free. This is the.

[C]

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[A]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Yo, what's up, Ace man? Yo, this is Jabal Wilkins the third. And I've been like, third message I done left you, mate. I want to be able to give that side of the. The black man side, let you know you got more fans out there that are black than you know. So you need to just get me back on the air, hook me up, whatever you need to do. Because I will be there anytime any of this racist shit going down or they call you racist, you can bring me out and I will be your man. But anyways, Adam, you the man. You know what's up. And I'm real with what you say about family and all that, man. I ain't never leave my kids, you know. Shout out basement. You can leave us. Message at 888-634-1744. Thank you, my brother. All right, real quick, the big El Capitan Newman doc thing that we're doing, the big party. Jimmy Kimmel's going to be there and Patrick Dempsey and a bunch of notables are going to be there. And all the money's going to charity and we're going to have bands and I'm going to have some of the Newman cars out there and it's going to be right next to to Jimmy's place. That whole thing is going on the 16th. It's the big premiere. That'll be Thursday, April 16th. There's going to be a whole bunch of cool car guys and celebrities and all that kind of stuff. But we're selling some tickets and all the money's going to charity as Newman would have liked it. Awesome. So that'll be on the 16th.

[D]

Got to go fast, so get your tickets now.

[A]

Yeah, just going to the El Capitan is really cool. If you're listening and you're from Vegas or San Francisco or Sacramento or someplace like that, this would be worth a Southwest flight. Big night, lots of celebrities, cool cars, really good documentary and the El Capitan Theater. So go there because tickets are going to go fast. And like I said, it's all going to charity. Bess Delling, back in studio. Good to see you again, my dear.

[E]

Great to see you. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Good to be here. Live dates coming up and March 31, flappers in Burbank. That's where we filmed all the stuff for Road Hard. Really cool little club over there with nice, nice management and all kinds of different rooms. Small rooms, big room, the Yoohoo room. Also the Beach Club in Rapid City. And that's in Rapid City's in San Diego, huh?

[E]

Or South Dakota.

[A]

San Diego, South Dakota. All right, Kaylin, off the weed, man. Off the weed. But listen, I'm glad I said that's in San Diego, huh? Yeah, South Dakota. Same place.

[E]

Mount Rushmore area.

[A]

Same place.

[C]

Black Hills.

[A]

Yeah. All right. So we got that coming up. That's April 17th and 18th. How's the life of a standup treating you?

[E]

It's good. You know, I just got in from, I did Zany's in Chicago this past week, and you can probably hear it in my voice. I feel like I woke up with a sore throat the day I tried to leave. It was like decent weather the whole time. I Woke up on Monday morning and it was like blizzard.

[A]

Wouldn't you say stand up is like fucking when you're 16 and a half in the sense that you're in that weird position, you're on the carpet, you're in your basement and you can feel the. You can feel the skin coming off your knee.

[D]

How do you do? Stand up, dude.

[A]

But what I'm saying is you don't slow down.

[I]

No.

[A]

You'll deal with it later. And I've had many of those moments where, you know, your voice is blown out. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're still screaming in on the mic, like the whole, like, you know you're fucking your voice up, you know you're tired, you know you're shit, but it doesn't matter.

[E]

So none of us know, like, how to properly prep your voice for the vagina frame? Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. And we gotta get Madonna's coach in here.

[E]

Nine shows a week. So Saturday I did a seven, a nine and an 11, 15.

[A]

Zany says nine. So tell us nine, tell us the nine. Hold on.

[D]

Bueller.

[A]

Oh, Brian's office game.

[D]

Well, it's not nine.

[A]

Nine, nine. Nine times nine times Nine times. What are the nine this morning? Give us the schedule.

[E]

So I got out of Tuesday shows, but usually it's Tuesday 1, Wednesday, Thursday.

[A]

Oh, really? They're doing Tuesday shows?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

And then Friday two, Saturday three, Sunday

[A]

one, nine times, Saturday three. Now I've done three, three nights in a row and I almost won. Fucking remember?

[E]

Or you were saying at Cobbs, right? You just kept selling out the show.

[A]

I did three at Cobbs and then I went to a place in Kirkland, Washington. Three and three. I was stupid, I was doing like 95 minute shows.

[E]

Oh my God.

[A]

You need like an opener or something at that point, right?

[E]

Yeah, I mean, we had host opener and I was doing 45 at most. 47.

[C]

That's still a nice chunk of time.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Times three. Yeah,

[E]

about what is that, two, two hours and 15, 20 minutes of comedy in one night.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And then 11:15, as you would imagine. I mean, people are hammer drunk. Yeah, I kicked out a couple.

[A]

We did the midnight show in Kirkland, Washington. It's like everyone is fucking shitfaced at that point.

[E]

Just repeating the words that are not part of a punchline. Just like yar burger. Gah. And you're just like, okay, well do you notice? Can I get you a loaf of bread?

[A]

It happened at Cobbs where one of the gals got wrestled out of the place for being too drunk. But you notice it takes the security a long time. So long it's a paying customer, it's a drinking customer.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to live with it for a long time on stage before somebody has some Samoan heritage comes along to take this person out.

[D]

Could be Tongan.

[C]

And who usually makes that?

[A]

You're right. That was very.

[C]

Who usually makes that call you from on stage or the guy in the back.

[E]

I will say, the more famous you get, the more you would set that up before the show, like, hey, here's my code word. Or, oh, I remember. I sometimes tour with Anthony Jeselnik, and so he'll. Before the show at a theater, he'll set it up and we'll be like. When I say the code word, get the fuck out. Kick the person out. So I don't really set that up beforehand because I'm not. I don't have wild shows, but I, like, held on as long as I could, and I was, like, as nice as long as I could. And I even invited them to go to the back of the room. I was like, you're killing everyone's vibe. Like, you are. Truly. Everyone around you hates you. I'm gonna invite you to go to the back of the room. And then after I said that, somebody told me after the show, she had reached back, touched another man's leg, was rubbing it, and he, like, kicked her off. And then her boyfriend goes, was she talking to us? I'm like, directly at you. You're in row two. I can't always.

[A]

Yeah, Brian gotta.

[D]

I like the idea of a safe word or like a. You know, a code word to get people to start kicking.

[C]

You know the thing about apricots.

[D]

How about get it on?

[A]

Yeah. Everyone clear it out. No. Well, when you're stupid enough to do 95 minutes times three, you're hoping there's a fucking heckler out there that you can engage for 22 minutes. Just anything not to just sit up here for five hours. But, yeah, they don't really. I also feel like a lot of those clubs, in terms of how they're staffed, a little less than professional.

[E]

Oh, absolutely. If you think about it, unfortunately, now, what a comedy club is and who's working there, of course, very nice people, but they're not getting paid great money. People are willing to take the job. Even at Caroline's in New York, when somebody needed to get kicked out, the bouncer was like, I'm not allowed to touch them.

[A]

Well, I've done Caroline's a million times and never had. I mean, it's drunk, but no one's ever had to leave. They've had to leave your shows.

[E]

This was me opening for Jess on there in October. It was a drunk girl that was standing up, talking to him like this.

[A]

Oh, on his show.

[E]

Yeah. So I had just opened, and basically he was like, I'm not gonna tell you to leave, but I will tell your boyfriend to handle his business.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And then the dude got up and was like, acting as if he were gonna fight Flannel. And the bouncer was like, whoa, I can't touch the human. So T.J. miller was there just hanging out, and he grabbed him and threw

[A]

him up against a wall. You see that kind of facial hair coming at you, you get out of the way.

[C]

Stand down.

[A]

Also, you know, the thing about Caroline's is there's no exit stage. Right. Like, you're trapped in a basement with a wall against your back. Like, if big dude charges the stage, you're not running backstage. There is no backstage.

[E]

Another building just grab.

[A]

Yeah, well, you got a long haul to the kitchen. Yeah, it's true. I mean, it's a sea of humanity. You're trusting them not to turn on you because it's a little stage and a fucking half circle of humanity around you and a long way between you and the green room, and you got to go through them. So, yeah, it's interesting. I wish more people understood they were drunk when they were drunk that I don't get. Especially at a fairly advanced age, you know, when they've been drunk a lot.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I'll give you a couple of passes in high school, like, way too many, you know, too many Mickey's big mouths didn't know what the fuck you were doing.

[D]

But if you're on stage doing a podcast, yeah, you should know you're talking about the audience.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Some people think they're helping when they heckle. And I. You know, arguably, you could say sometimes, yeah, it's been fun. Or you could have some good banter.

[C]

Or they think, yeah, just because it's positive heckling. Like, you got that right. Oh, I hate that.

[E]

Sure.

[C]

It's still really disorienting.

[E]

Or they think it's. They think it's so important. That's where she is from. She likes that, too. Like, okay, well, I don't need to know that.

[A]

Yeah. One time, I don't know why, but I was at Caroline's and I just up on stage doing stand up or something. I think I was doing stand up. Could have been a podcast. I can't remember, but there was a woman in the front row like 40 years of age, never tried a tomato. And I couldn't get past it. I was just like. Never had one in your salad? No. How about on a burger? No. Any reason? No. You know, those people just never. Just never came up committed to a

[C]

lifestyle effort to avoid a tomato.

[A]

What do you mean you've never tried a tomato like this? Never have. I like when people answer.

[D]

Do you like source of sauce? Sure.

[A]

I like people who answer with a super casual version of what you just said. You rape infants. Just rape infants. Oh, okay. It's all cured now. Now it's better. You've never tried a tomato? Nip. Never tried a tomato. Like I'm not satisfied. You saying exactly what I just said in a super casual way that made it sound cool is not satisfying. This comedian. Mm. Yep. Just gouge the elderly. That's what I do. No big deal. Just, you know. Yeah. Practice Santeria. Just practice. Okay, I get it. But you're just saying it casually now. I just said something I want to fucking answer. It can't just be never seen. You know, this did not come up

[C]

to be followed by what do you want from me?

[A]

Yeah, you grew up in North America.

[I]

She's.

[A]

We're in Manhattan at this point.

[D]

She's probably consumed many tomatoes without knowing it with other things. Like, you know.

[E]

Well, like you said it possibly not according to Pizza.

[A]

Not according to her. But this. That's all. That's all I remember through the head.

[C]

She has a lycopene allergy.

[A]

All right. So.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's what they had. So flappers. Burbank and then coming up in San Diego. Or is it.

[E]

And a trip home to Easter. But I'm not telling jokes.

[A]

Where. Where's home again?

[E]

Ohio. Yep. Dayton.

[G]

We just.

[E]

Is that. That Just gotta laugh.

[D]

I'm just putting two and two together that Rapid City, San Diego is Rapid City, South Dakota. I know. This is earlier. I was editing a drop.

[A]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[I]

Welcome.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I do a lot of technical things over here, but.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Well, they start. You know, they both start with an S and then there's a D in there.

[E]

SD.

[A]

All right, let's see. We got news. All right, before we do the news, how about a little stamps.com? best time to hit the post office after work. Before work lunchtime. Trick question. No time. It's something I was getting into with Gergos on the. Take a knee. But everybody, please join me in this thought. You have the average life expectancy of your group. You know, whatever sex you are, whatever color you are, whatever time you're living in, maybe the neighborhood you're living in. Smoker, non smoker. Whatever it is, you have that. Okay, good. Then you have your current age. Let's deduct that from the average life expectancy. Then there's how much you get an hour. Okay, let's factor all that in. Are we going to the post office? People with that knowledge? Here's how much I make an hour. Here's how many hours I've left on the planet. We're going to the post office. Is that where we're going with my triangle of factors here? No, we're going to stamps.com. that's where we're going. You know why we're going there? Because we don't have to go there. Gina Grad. Let's do some news. Give you the news with grad. News with Gina Grad. Showbiz, Congress, tech news, sports news, world news. Give me news with Gina Grad. Weird shit out of Florida. Sex surveys. Obama need new. The news with Gina Grad.

[C]

Well, I'm sorry to start off on such a down note, but it is fresh off the press and it's just really sad. A German jetliner on a routine flight to Dusseldorf from Barcelona, Spain, rapidly lost altitude for more than eight minutes and then crashed into the French Alps on Tuesday morning with 144 passengers and six crew members aboard. The prime minister of France said that no one on the plane has survived the crash. And looking at that terrain, I don't

[A]

know how you could usually. Yeah, that's why film cliffhanger, it's never gonna work. See, to me, that's the scariest part. The eight minutes.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know how long eight minutes is when your life is in jeopardy?

[C]

But it doesn't really make sense. They found one of the black boxes. They're still looking for another. But logically it doesn't make sense. If you're descending for eight minutes, then. And the kind of crash that they found was something that looks like literally just fell out of the sky. So I don't know, eight minutes seems like you'd have a while to do some sort of cruising down, but not from what they showed.

[A]

Well, it's an interesting thing, but I think at 35, we're gonna have to figure this out. Gary, let's see if we can arrive at something. When they start their descent, they get on a glide plane, a glide slope. They. The flaps come down and they start to get on that they get on the plane to get to the landing strip, and then what they do is right before they touch down, they do a little thing called a flare, which sounds gay, but it's actually cool, which is they get on that glide slope that brings them down just on a steady. It's like if you just drew a line at an angle, not too steep, not too shallow, just coming down from when they begin their descent. And then at the very end, just pull back on the yoke a little bit and just get that. You know, sometimes you get on the flight where it goes on a little too long, or they pull back and they're kind of doing like a little extended wheelie for a while before the tires touch down. So that glide slope, they're dropping 1,000ft per whatever, whatever the time is. That's what a normal glide slope is. Maybe it's a minute and a half per thousand feet or what have you. Gary will find out what the average is. Now, if you're up at 35,000ft, we can do the math on just how far past that glide slope you're gonna cover. 35 to 0 or 6,000ft or whatever, however high the mountain was in the alp. But is it twice as fast? Is it three times as fast? The point is, is that 35,000ft, even just jumping out of the airplane, you're going to have quite some time before you hit the ground, sadly, to think about it. And when you watch, just watch one really tough round of the ufc, just one fucking brutal round, that's five minutes, and it seems like it's forever.

[D]

Rodeo writers go for eight seconds.

[A]

Eight seconds, right. That's if you're good or you're Luke Perry making a hell of a film.

[E]

The creepy part is there's just, like, no chance, you know, you're sitting there. That's the. I mean, I fly a ton, so I think about these things and I have dumb, irrational thoughts, like, well, maybe this type of jacket I'm wearing, if I were to catch wind, I might

[G]

be able to float down.

[A]

The stone is already pretty washed.

[E]

I have these things in my head where I'm like, please let. That might be true.

[D]

Nothing dumb about that yet.

[E]

And then you think about, what would you grab?

[A]

Well, nothing.

[G]

You.

[A]

A hole.

[E]

Just grab my cell phone or my bag. Just like, thinking about these things that could help you catch air, but there's no hope of getting out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I think? You know what I feel like a hero would do? I feel like a hero would light a cigarette And I'll tell you why.

[C]

In the lavatory.

[A]

Well, you don't want to get in real trouble, but you don't want to leave that legacy. But you light that cigarette, I'll tell you what's going to happen. I guarantee that the stewardess, even though the wing's on fire, is still gonna come over to you and tell you to put it out. And you're gonna get into a weird shitty argument with her. That's four minutes before everyone dies. And it's gonna pull focus. And so you who are sitting there just rubbing your rosaries and trying to make peace with your parents and all that kind of shit are gonna be turning for a second and you probably get your camera phone out and be like, oh, it's going up on YouTube, man, it's gonna be awesome. And at least for that one brief moment, if you're just a super douche about smoking, like, listen, my parents are French, I'm grandfathered into this shit. Why don't you sit your fat lesbian ass down before I sit it down? I feel like you'd be doing everyone a great service on the plane, distracting them. Other than that, everyone is just trying again. No cell reception, freaking out, telling them, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

[D]

Holding their kids. Yeah, you don't want them doing that.

[C]

Another folk hero.

[D]

I'm the smoking guy.

[E]

Like the quartet on the Titanic.

[A]

Yeah, that's right, that's right. Just drawing, just stealing a little focus, that's all. Hero.

[C]

Who, who's the bigger hero? That guy or the guy that turned single handedly or single anusly turned the plane around from Heathrow to Dubai because of the shit he took in the bag.

[A]

Well, sadly we're never gonna know about the hero smoker. Yeah, right. But we might if we got the flight cockpit recorder and we just heard in the background. Fuck it, bitch. Sit down. You know what? Hey, keep talking, cunt. I'm gonna light a second one and I got a Tiparillo ready to go too. How do you like me now, bitch? I think, hold on, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and tamper with destroy or disable the laugh smoke detector. How about that, bitch? I'm gonna come out here and fucking drop kick that shit right down this aisle. How about that? You'd hear that in the background and the person would come. A folk nay smoke hero. Wow, thank you, thank you. Sad.

[C]

Well, and you know, even when, you know, in the Malaysia air and all these places, they still say for so long, well, we're still Searching. We don't know if there's any survivors. They came right out and said, there's no survivors.

[A]

Not this into that. Not hitting the Alps at that speed.

[C]

And usually I thought just for primary. Sometimes they say that, but not this time.

[A]

I like, by the way, Like, I hate it when this shit comes out of Germany. This is out of Dusseldorf. Yeah, See, out of Germany's bad. Like, yeah, I'm gonna sound like Oprah. But this. When they do the news out of El Salvador, you kind of go, mm, pilot, probably drunk. You know what I mean? Chicken running around the airplane.

[D]

You profile.

[A]

Yeah, you start doing that. So that's it. But you hear about the. You know, the ferry turned over in the Philippines, and you're kind of like, well, you have too many people hanging on the roof. You know, like, shit happens. But stories out of Germany goes, oh, fuck, we're not smart. Yeah, this could. This could easily happen here now. It happened to them. Yeah, they're pretty good at not letting that shit happen to them.

[E]

At least it wasn't Southwest, because then some flight attendant would have been like eight minutes. Eight minutes of my stand up.

[A]

I never got to jail.

[C]

Here's a song they're rapping now.

[E]

They sang to me last night. And it was. I mean, you know, when you get. When you watch Bomb and you're like. Like you just want to sink down in your chair.

[C]

People weren't responsive.

[A]

I'm.

[E]

No. There are a lot of old people clapping afterwards, but I was like, who sung? One of the flight attendants.

[C]

That's how they.

[A]

Oh, well, no, because they've had. I think Lifehouse just showed up. Remember the band from the 90s sponsored concerts.

[D]

But this is.

[A]

This is a.

[E]

Know this was after we landed in.

[A]

But I. They have done the sort of bands you kind of heard of from the 90s.

[G]

Switch foot, wife houses.

[A]

Switch foot. It's got to be great conversation. I'll be the agent, you'll be the. You'll be the lead singer for. For Fastball.

[D]

Hey, Fastball.

[G]

Am I out of my head?

[D]

I got.

[A]

I got it. I got good. Hey, Jake.

[D]

Hey, Murray, what's happening?

[A]

Yeah, hey, got a gig for you. Sweet. Yeah, I knew things would pick up.

[D]

It's this whole 90s nostalgia wave, man way. Doing some Bonnaroo, some Coachella.

[A]

This one's in Phoenix. Oh, sweet.

[D]

Oh, no. Tell me it's not a playoff game. No, Super Bowl. I can't do the halftime.

[A]

Well, you know, when I said it's in Phoenix, I meant more in their airspace.

[D]

They're gonna project it up high for everyone to see. Kind of radical.

[A]

Yeah. Well, look, good news and bad news. You gotta fly out to Phoenix.

[D]

Okay, well, you already told me the good news.

[A]

Good. Don't have to get off the plane.

[D]

Interesting. I mean, literally, this is like a what? Like, like a two hour show and

[A]

get right back on. Like you're figuratively saying it involves a plane. Okay. Have you flown southwest lately?

[D]

Of course.

[A]

The 737s are. They're pretty spacious.

[D]

Yeah, matter of fact, they are.

[A]

I'm six two and I can almost stand up straight.

[D]

You are a tall drink of water, Murray. I never thought about that.

[A]

Yeah, and I'll wear heels and almost stand up straight in some of those planes.

[D]

Interesting and boring heels, but okay, I'm wearing with you.

[A]

Do you have any amps that don't plug in? Do you have any ones that run off of candles or anything? Battery powered amps?

[D]

No, I can't say that I can get my hands on one.

[A]

Okay, now we're talking. Now we're talking.

[D]

Can't do attitude.

[A]

Excuse me, but what's the bass player's name again?

[D]

Oh, it's Randy.

[A]

Randy. Does he still have that inner ear problem?

[D]

Actually, he wears a monitor on stage, but as long as it's turned down,

[A]

it's kind of okay. How is he at altitude? Well, keep away from the housing. 36,000ft.

[D]

I really shouldn't matter how's he when they are saying probably can do a short flight.

[A]

Do you guys have any material about masks dropping down or the sky mall or something? I don't remember all your hits. We don't anything about sea reclining at all.

[D]

You don't remember our hit?

[A]

I remember your hit.

[D]

We could probably take any market in the run.

[A]

Everyone's flying on star.

[D]

Yeah, I'll work on it.

[A]

Yeah. What rhymes with contrails? Put something together.

[D]

I'll work on it.

[A]

I'm a pro, Murray.

[D]

You know me, I'm a pro.

[A]

Yeah. Now listen, there's. There's no, not a lot. There's not. Well, there's not any cash, but I'm listening. Honey roasted peanuts. They're not free. They are not free.

[D]

There's a metaphor, right?

[A]

Well, if you're gonna use cash to buy honey roasted peanuts, then I argue that multiple packets. Now they wanted to keep it under 100 and I'm talking to these guys. I think we got them up to about a buck 25. Multiple packets, which might be money you would be spending on the ground would. In that case, Be going in your pocket because you now have these. And there's nothing that could stop me from. You could sell these things once you hit the ground.

[D]

Murray, I understand the metaphor of working for peanuts.

[A]

I've been in this business a long time.

[D]

I understand the metaphor.

[A]

You know how much Michelob Ultra is going for now? With six packs, about $8.

[D]

Okay. Sounds about right.

[A]

I've negotiated two and a half Michelob Ultras per band member. Okay.

[D]

Even though the road guys, the guys that really part of the band, that put the keyboards.

[A]

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He's gonna get something, too.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

All right. You good?

[D]

I think we're onto something.

[A]

All right. Now they just. Yeah, yeah. They just want to do. They want to do a pre flight, you know, when the captain's doing the walk around.

[D]

I don't understand why you're so hung

[B]

up on the flight.

[A]

I'm talking about the gig. You're doing a flight check. Sound check. What's that? No, it's a flight.

[D]

I don't care about the travel plans. I'll drive there if I have to.

[A]

What if I could guarantee you. Let's see. Burbank to Phoenix. It's a 1230 flight. Saturday. First off, let me tell you, you

[D]

are really hung up on the flight details.

[A]

Every seat in this venue is going to be full. Okay? Two of them will be facing the wrong direction. They're going to be full. And the ones in the rear of the club won't recline. But there is going to be a full house. Fastball once again.

[D]

That's great, Murray. I'm not gonna lie. Things were getting kind of bleak there for a while.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[D]

I had some pretty dark thoughts.

[A]

Full house.

[D]

This could not come.

[A]

Full house. And you know what?

[D]

What's that?

[A]

After you guys do your gig somewhere above, around Phoenix or Nevada, we are gonna empty that. We're turning the house around.

[D]

So you're still the ghost.

[A]

We're. Turn it around.

[D]

So We've already sold it.

[A]

You already turned it around. We're gonna push him out. And we've sold out a second show. Holy crap. That's right, Murray. You're a whole new group of people. Except for the ones going to Utah later, we'll be clearing out and filling that club again. Can I ask you something?

[D]

You want to have a catch?

[A]

Yeah. All right. And see. Thank you. Thank you.

[E]

They're a captive audience.

[C]

That was amazing.

[D]

So you're saying watching someone bomb is painful?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were they singing?

[E]

It was when we landed. And it was, I believe, a song of her own making. And I think she may have seen my face because on the way out, she was saying to another guy, like, well, sure, yeah, I started it off a little sharp, but it was on a plane, so I think they can deal. I was like, no, I still can't deal. That was what you put us through was not okay. It was longer than it needed to be.

[A]

Don't you feel like between the songs, like, do you know the way to San Jose and Galveston and stuff like that, that there's a fucking song to every single city they go to? They could already, you know, Mac Davis wrote it 25 years ago. Let's go ahead and cover that shit.

[D]

At least in terms of states.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And a lot of the cities, too. All right, sad. What else we got?

[C]

Well, who wants to talk? A little cancer project.

[A]

Gary, did you figure out anything on your glide slope?

[D]

Yeah, I figured out some info, but

[A]

I don't think I'm going to be

[H]

able to give you what you want.

[A]

In terms of how many thousand feet do they decline per minute or per. How long does it take to drop 1,000ft once they hit that glide slope? Once they start the well, I think they call, you know, they go, we're beginning our initial descent. When they begin the initial descent, how many thousand feet? How long does it take them to descend? 1,000ft, I think that you should be able to figure out.

[H]

It looks like a little over a minute.

[D]

It's saying 743ft a minute. So 1.3 minutes.

[A]

All right, so a little over a minute is 1,000ft. So if they're on that glide slope, it's 35 minutes or more. A little over a minute per, right? Yeah. So, I mean, we're talking about 40 something minutes on that glide slope.

[E]

That's how long it should take.

[A]

Yeah. Shave that down to eight minutes.

[C]

Okay, now it's making sense.

[A]

Now we're going down a lot faster than the glide slope that we should

[C]

be on, because they do usually say that around, you know, half hour, beginning our descent. Okay, well, thanks for putting that in perspective because that makes a lot more sense now.

[A]

We're all freaked out anymore. Yeah.

[C]

Yep. Never flying again. Well, two years after Angelina Jolie made the choice to have a preventative double

[A]

mastectomy, I think the folks who were listening to Lifehouse on the southwest flight were like, ugh, lucky Germans.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

We get all the luck, those people. All right, sorry.

[C]

So, as you probably know, Angelina Jolie had A double mastectomy a couple years ago because she has.

[A]

I know. I bought one of her boobies on ebay. Yep.

[C]

She has a gene mutation called BRCA1. It's a gene that increases her risk of developing breast cancer by 87%. She's about to go through another surgery to prevent ovarian cancer. This is gonna happen by removing her ovaries and her fallopian tubes. She just wrote an op ed piece in the New York Times this week in the hopes of saving other women's lives who might have this mutation. I have two dear friends with this mutation and they've both gone through this surgery. They're twins. So the mastectomy and the ovarian and

[E]

fallopian, is that a hysterectomy or that's ticking?

[C]

I believe it is, but this does happen. I know two girls personally that have gone through this.

[G]

Both.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Both your friends did the mistake.

[A]

Well, they're twins, right?

[C]

They're twins. This was genetically on their dad's side, Amy and Angie Shields. One of them's about to go through the next one, I think. And they said, you know what, we gotta save our own lives. We just gotta do this.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, I heard that maybe, but I don't know. There was some controversy the first time she had it because they said there's treatable ways or ways to monitor it or ways to whatever it is, and that this was too radical an action. But.

[C]

But I think if you've gotten to the point where you. You're a huge superstar female and you say, here, take my breasts, it's pretty serious.

[A]

Oh, I'm sure she knew more than

[C]

I did, but 87% chance of being on.

[E]

She also has about 17 kids relying on her.

[C]

Yeah. Give or take. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you know, just to get philosophical. Well, it's weird that somebody so genetically perfect has this huge flaw. And we should all think about that every once in a while when we're lamenting the fact that we're a little bit short or we have some love handles or whatever the fuck it is. Angelina Jolie, I mean, arguably sort of genetically one of the best looking people on the planet. You can make your arguments for other folks, but when you just take a look at a 17 year old Angelina Jolie, you don't.

[D]

Can we up that to 18 maybe?

[A]

Can we up that to 18? I like that. I lose interest at 18. You don't. You don't do much better genetically than that.

[D]

And you're looking at toddling Angelina Jolie. And you're like, wow, what a specimen.

[A]

Take a look at one of those sonograms of Angelina Jolie.

[C]

Patton Oswald has a joke about that. You want to see a picture of Angelina Jolie? Young you look at Jon Voight's ball sack. Same thing.

[A]

So I'm not sure if we can access that. I'd need verification.

[E]

We could just text him.

[A]

He'd have to definitely get in a mirror and do a selfie because that could be anyone's balsa. I'm taking your word for that. Either way, I would never be the guy going, that's definitely not Jon Voight's balsa, but Angeline Jolie. So genetically amazing and then yet genetically pretty. Damn cursed, beyond flawed.

[C]

And both her mother and her aunt died of cancer. So she just said, you know what? I gotta do this. So it's pretty intense. She's gonna go through menopause. You know, it's gonna be a lot of physical crazy changes, but she's gotta do it.

[A]

All right, all right.

[C]

So let's switch gears a little, shall we?

[A]

Oh, she already had the surgery, by the way.

[C]

Oh, she did.

[A]

So Gary says.

[C]

Oh, well.

[A]

All right. There you go.

[C]

I'm not really a news person, so. Are you familiar with James Corden?

[I]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, so he's basically virtually unknown to the American audience, but hold on.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know who he is.

[C]

Okay, I'm gonna tell you right now. Yeah. The late Late show on cbs.

[A]

The new host, that guy.

[C]

People are saying that it's the smoothest first episode of any talk show host in recent memory. And he did all these crazy bits, all these pre tape bits. Here's a highlight of the show where Corden and Tom Hanks do a rapid fire rundown of his movie career. This is a seven minute bit, so I just pulled a snippet for you.

[A]

You're gonna go to prison, sir. You'll have to catch me. Carl, the Cloud Atlas. I need to see it again. It's using his six characters. Look, it bends repeat viewing. Believe me, believe me. Let's move on. There's lots of people here that hate me.

[B]

Lots.

[A]

I can. Can feel it. It's like bees stinging me. Well, we don't hate you. Can you feel that? Well. Hey, Ms. T, do you need a ride? You're a great student. Larry Clown. Larry Clown. Cast away. All right. He made his face in the wild. Yeah, it's.

[C]

You know, he even gets Philadelphia in

[A]

there, by the way. Oh, boy.

[C]

Not quite as funny.

[A]

The thing I want to say is the guy Did Kimmel last night chilling with Chelsea Clinton, as I've often. She was first guess, I was a second guess. But I talked to her before the show for a little while. Yeah, interesting. She's got a foundation. See the problem? And I think everyone needs to always understand the difference between doing a show that's whatever special once a month, doing something every day, doing something once a week. This is a show that he's had nine months to prepare for. Jump ahead seven weeks from now. He has nine hours to prepare for every single show after that. And God bless him. I'm sure this is great and it's awesome, but that's because you're preparing for this show for so long and you have all the roll in bits and you have all the whatever once you get up and running. I'm sitting in Kimmel's office last night after the show having a beer and he's telling cousin Sal, here's the bit you're shooting tomorrow afternoon that's going into tomorrow night's show that needs to be edited on the fly. Basically, you start running out of that grace period.

[D]

Talk to me in two months when he's had Adam Carolla on 15 times.

[A]

That's right. Also found out I'd been a guest on Jimmy's show more than anybody else, which I knew about, but I didn't know I'd been on 47 times. 47 times, for the love of Christ. I always round down. So I thought, am I getting near 40 on this? Appearances on the show? 40 fucking 7 times I've been on that show.

[C]

That seems like a number you exaggerate for a joke. Like I've been on 47. You've been on 47 times?

[E]

13 years. Right.

[C]

That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah. Now, one time I probably racked up five because I guest hosted for a week with Jimmy as the co guest host. So that'd be five times in a row. So that's, you know, you can pad your numbers. Seems like only yesterday I was sitting across the street at Hollywood and Vine having lunch with my dad about 1:30 in the afternoon. And I said, yeah, I'm guest hosting, so I'll be doing the show tonight. And he said, what time's that show? What time do you tape that show? About 1 o'. Clock. And I said, well, dad, it's 1:45 now, so no, unless this is part of the show. No, I'm on it, so I can't. I wouldn't be here eating. And then at the time it was called Jimmy Kimmel Live. It was done at a certain time, but as we spoke to the therapist, I told him, if you'd like to turn on the TV set, you can see what the set and everything looks like. Sure. Bit of a bridge too far for the old man. Always thought. I always thought our problem was network versus cable. No one in my family had cable, but I figured once you called their bluff, once I got on Dancing with the Stars on abc, then that would bridge the gap that had always existed between the crank anchors demand show, Loveline and everything else. Turned out still able to stay away.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It was late night cable or sort of later night cable versus a primer time network, I thought that was. Turned out there was other things at play.

[C]

No can do.

[E]

The late night stuff. My grandmother really wanted to make sure she caught my set on Jimmy, so she did a dry run. She's 95 the week before a dry run. So she could get up out of her bed, turn the TV on, watch Jimmy Kimmel live.

[A]

Is her last name Carola? No.

[E]

Then the night of the showing, she watched the entire show of Jimmy Fallon.

[A]

Oh, no. God bless her diseased heart. Was in the right place. Number one, the way my aunt taped it, I was sitting around and speaking of loving parents. So Chelsea goes on, does her thing before me, and then I go on. And I'm just sitting in my dressing room going, now if you're Bill and you're Hillary, you have to watch because you're gonna talk to your daughter and your decent parents. You have to say, oh, nice job, or good job, or you really got the message or the bit was funny or whatever it is. What are the chances anyone's hanging out for me in the Clinton family? Like, is there. You know, Bill's got a sense of humor. Is there an element? Is there a maybe this guy comes on and talks a little shit about my daughter. He is a comedian. You know what I mean? Like, does he say something about her appearance as he's coming out? All I gotta do is get through one commercial break and I can hear at least the first couple syllables. Make sure he doesn't call my little angel a whore or something like that. There they hang in. Is there any chance Bill or Hillary caught 10 seconds of me? I'm assuming no. I always assume no.

[G]

Yes.

[E]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't be surprised if he liked you.

[A]

Okay, I got a scenario. Here's. Here's my scenario. Okay, here's what I say. 1. Here's what I say happened. Not Hillary, but Bill okay. He retired. He put on the dvr.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Because he was out whore. Late night. Yeah, of course he put on the dvr and he did that move where he rewound and he thought he went too far and then hit the plane. It hopped forward a little and he caught nine seconds of me talking and then got back on the fucking remote and went back and he said, chelsea looks terrible. Hair's the same. I miss that hairstyle. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. It makes perfect sense that they would have stuck around and watched it had they watched it in live time. But if one of their underlings handed just the clip to them, then probably watched it online.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

I don't know. I thought you were gonna say they were there.

[G]

I don't know.

[E]

I say they watched it.

[D]

You know, they still get Secret Service protection for the rest of their lives. Yeah, maybe a Secret Service, guys. Bill Clinton was very busy during your prime years.

[A]

Maybe.

[D]

A Secret Service guy is a big fan. It's like, prez, Bill, I took a bullet for you.

[A]

You gotta say this?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Ah. I'll tell you something. I'm a big fan of Drop Stop, baby. Original patented seat gap filler, man, I put in my car. Put it in your car? My wife's getting a new car, and they're coming out of the old car and they're going into the new car. It's one of the most popular items in Shark Tank history. The inventors. Well, the guy invented it. Just made it because he dropped his cell phone between his seat, his transmission tunnel there and went sliding down in the abyss. And then he went sliding onto the sidewalk and almost drove over some old guy on Sunset Boulevard. So let's not have that. I got in my car. Put it in your car. It's 1999. You get a set of two. They're heavy duty, they're made of neoprene. They fit all vehicles. No cheap plastic knockoffs. And by the way, it's available at the automotive section of Walmart or you can go to Amazon. You can go to buydropstop.com that's b u y dropstop.com. use the code Adam. You get two free gifts, plus free shipping. This is a safety. Get it for your kids. Your kids are driving, parents driving, whatever. Get a few sets of these things and just tuck it in there. And your junk doesn't drop down in between the seats anymore. It's Drop Stop, baby. All right, what else we got?

[C]

All right, so the second round. Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, the second round of season 20 of Dancing with the Stars went off. I think it was last night. Yeah. With my jam Monday two nights ago, where the stars and their pro partners go, they got to dance to whatever song they wanted. And it was frontman from lmfao, fan favorite, actually, Red Fu, who was the first to be booted off this actually surprised a lot of viewers because his Dance to my Sharona garnered him a 31 out of 40 points. The lowest scores of the evening went to a couple other dancers who got 21 out of 40 and 26 out of 40.

[A]

Why was this guy fan favorite if he got booted with 31?

[C]

I don't know.

[G]

How do you get kicked off if

[E]

your score is better than the 21 people?

[A]

Well, the people vote.

[C]

It's popularity contest.

[A]

But maybe the fans there like them and the fans at home, not so much. Just a guy looks crazy.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Okay, what's his name?

[D]

The big hair.

[C]

Red Foo. Maybe you're familiar.

[E]

No.

[C]

Big glasses, big hair, big personality. There he is. Like that out outfit.

[A]

Yeah, sounds like a euphemism for your period. Redfoo's visiting the house. So Redfrew came by this weekend unexpectedly. So I don't think I can. I can't make the ice skating gig.

[E]

I want to, but I'm on my red food.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sorry, you can't make the ice skating game gig. Okay.

[A]

Gig. I won't be getting out on the ice.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, I won't be doing any of that.

[C]

I get it.

[A]

Red food. Just decided to pay a visit.

[C]

Did you feel downtrodden at all? Did you feel sad when you.

[A]

He's not swinging by Angelina Jolie's house, I can tell you that.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

Okay. Too soon.

[D]

Way too soon.

[A]

All right, well, listen, 10 minutes ago, we thought it didn't even happen yet.

[D]

That's true. But now that we know. Too soon.

[A]

Okay. All right, all right, listen, I'm a fan of hers.

[C]

I'm trying to help.

[A]

Not working. Sorry, Red Foot.

[C]

I was. As if you were sad when your time was over.

[A]

No, how dare you bring that up. I did a fucking morning show. It was brutal. Yeah, I mean, the. The days, like, I don't know, dance Day or judge Day or whatever fucking day we'd have. I was leaving my house. My wife was making fun of me last night about how I couldn't dance for shit and how I got kicked off of Dance with the Star. I got all weird and defensive like I had a full time job. Chrissy Yamaguchi moved here from North Carolina. Okay. She put in 13 hours a day, you understand? I had a gig, a full time gig. I always said though, they should put a fucking cap on the shit. Cause some people are able to literally move out. They put them up in the dance condo, you know, and they just go at it for 12 hours a day. And then there's other people that have like crazy schedules and shows that they're doing and stuff like that. And they can only manage. Not that I could dance anyway, but they can only manage a couple hours a day because of their schedule and

[C]

still find time to ride a unicycle.

[A]

I blamed it on the unicycle last night when my wife was making fun of me. But I got up, I was getting up at 5. Gina, you know the schedule. Yeah, I'm in it right now, going in it, going to work. And then when I was done, it's like go to CBS and on whatever nights we were getting out of there at like 8:30, 9:00 clock at night. And the thing that always fucking twisted the knife is, hey, we're all going to Mr. Chow's to have drinks. And like not fucking me. I left my house at 5, I'm coming back at 9 and when I get back, if I go to bed, the second I walk through the door, I'll get six and a half hours sleep. But yeah, yeah, Mm, yeah, good time. So I was happy to be tossed off.

[E]

Yeah, that's like why all the sports teams, like we would play boarding schools in high school and field hockey and they were always better because like they lived there, slept there, ate there. There were only girls there, so they had no distractions. And we get our asses handed to us.

[A]

Yeah. Certain percentage of the lacrosse players had a distraction with the girls, but a small percentage. Sorry, give me one more. All right.

[C]

Well, Rolling Stone reports that the man. I actually wish David Wilde was here for this. I'm sure he has something to add. Who penned Every Day I Write the Book, has officially penned one himself. Elvis Costello's memoir, Unfaithful Music and Disappointment, Disappearing Ink will arrive on October 13th. The book will find the rocker looking back at his five decade career over the course of 352 pages. But before Unfaithful Music and Despairing Ink hits the shelves, Costello and the imposters will hit the road with Steely Dan for a joint trek this summer.

[A]

Really odd pairing.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Interesting, right? We actually were giving away tickets for it on the morning show.

[A]

Sort of, kind of, yeah. But cool. I love Elvis Costell and I love Steely Dan. So now we gotta find out. Now, this is interesting because I was just talking. I didn't bring it up, but we're talking about this Newman documentary and going to the El Capitan and all that kind of stuff. Charity and everything. And I was told that Steely Dan is gonna be playing. And I was like, Donald Fagan, Walter Becker. I'm trying to think of who the Steely Dan is. Like, kind of two guys, and they have, like, kind of a house band that plays. But it's kind of a cool thing, which is they get the lead couple of guys to come up from whatever band and they'll jam and do a few songs, because they don't need the entire band. They just need those couple of guys. And then, you know, Paul Schaefer behind them, and they're fine, you know. And he said, yeah, they're gonna play. And I went, wow. Cause I love Steely Dan. Steely Dan. Insanely Well, I don't want to say underrated, under noticed, under spoken of, under something.

[D]

I feel like in the Rock Roll

[A]

hall of Fame, they're appreciated, but so is fucking Joan Jett. I mean, that's the whole point. She's fucking horrible. And they're great. There's no place for Steely Dan. They don't get put in a. They don't have a category because they were doing shit that you can't really slug into a category. And, yeah, everyone agrees Steely Dan is really good, but most people couldn't name five Steely Dan songs. And they have 15 really good songs. And I don't know, I just feel like in this sort of pantheon, like, here's Motley Crue and here's Steely Dan. There's more people I know probably heard of Motley Crue or maybe even would say they liked Motley Crue.

[C]

Been to a Motley Crue show, they

[A]

can fucking compare to Steely Dan, which is insanity to me. Yes. Dawson, One thing I've noticed at a lot of live concert ventures, venues, is when a house engineer goes into eq, the house for the band that he has playing, they do it quite often with either Donald Fagan solo or Steely Dan songs, because they really respect, musically, the. The frequency spectrum, and you can really tell what sounds are supposed to go where in what room. So Steely Dan or Lifehouse? Steely Dan or Lifehouse. Yeah. Never fastball, though. Oh, man.

[C]

And in case you're wondering, they're playing the Hollywood Bowl July 13th with Elvis Costello.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. I gotta get out to that July 13th. All right, all right. Let's bring it home, man.

[C]

I'm Gina Grad and that's the news.

[E]

What you put us through was not okay. It was longer than it needed to be.

[A]

That was the news with Gina Grad. Best selling, everybody.

[E]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

Her stand up. If you'd like to know dates where she's going to be playing sweetbeth.com if you want to find out the TV show, the meltdown show, you can find out all the information you want on Beth by just going sweet beth.com or you can shoot her or, and I'd say shoot her a tweet over at bethstelling. All right, let's. Who do we have? David Wilde. Thank you for coming in at Wild about Music. Until next time. This Adam Carolla for best selling. David Wilde, Gina Grad and bald Brian sang. Mahalo. You rape infants. Hey, just rape infants.

[C]

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[A]

All right, that's Adam Crollo Show 1538. Coming up next, we have Adam Crollo Show 1073. This one's featuring Lita Ford, Dr. Bruce, Dr. Spaz, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2013. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right. Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. Mandy, get it on. Welcome to the program. Dr. Spaz will be joining us with a little health watch tonight. Little Baldiwood. What movie you got there?

[D]

Iron Man 3.

[A]

Iron Man 3. 175 million bucks or so at the box office last weekend. Good day.

[G]

Alison Rose hello, Adam.

[A]

Carolla Lita Ford's going to be joining us today as well. First, many things to complain about. My fiance Daniel. Quiet now going to complain. Had a nice. How much more like in terms of being annoyed, hurt, like vulnerable. Just generally vulnerable. What percentage I feel like for me getting up in the morning, that's the time to attack me. If you're a neighboring village or just a neighbor and you think you want to plan attack, don't do it. At 10pm I got a little buzz going. I'm stretched out and I'm ready to rock and roll. I'll fight you in my underpants. At 8:15, almost anything could make me cry. And I had this thing today, but also can make me just want to go into a fucking whirling dervish of roundhouse and crescent kicks into the face of life, into the orbital socket of life.

[G]

Then would you do jumping jacks? No, because when I did cardio kickboxing, it was all crescent.

[A]

No, this was about trying to hurt everyone around me.

[G]

Not also staying in good shape and

[A]

punch myself in the face as well? No, you stay in good shape.

[G]

Right.

[A]

Stay better shape.

[G]

That's true.

[A]

I had to do a little press this morning because me and Drew are gonna be at the Uptown Theater in Napa. And I've known for a long time this theater is clean. As they say. This show's going clean.

[G]

Does that mean sold out?

[A]

Yeah, usually, you know when there's 50 tickets left a week and a half before the show, it's about done. You can tell it's about Bruce. You're gonna drive me saying make a bunch of noise with your fucking papers over there. Just don't touch him. Thank you now. Or you can pot his mic down.

[D]

You're not gonna get to him anyway.

[A]

Just leave it down. You're not. You bring in a stack of papers, you don't get to the first one.

[H]

Worst nightmare is not having enough information to keep you satisfied and ranting.

[A]

You know where you can store your information? I don't have enough room in that legume that bounces around inside your skull. I thought you were gonna see suggest

[H]

back here because you've already stuffed some

[A]

things up there, put it up there and regurgitate. Regurgitate. So I got up early this morning, at least for me to do a little press, and I was calling the affiliate out in Napa and I said I decided to check online. And I went to the theater and there's no tickets left. You go to this loge section, the balcony, the orchestra, and they have like little black dots and there's like two and there's none. It hits certain sections, just says sold out. And then it'll say single tickets available, no twin seats next to each other. That kind of stuff. And then this comes. So the guy's going, we'll put you on the air in a few minutes. And I said, yeah, you want to plug the Napa show? I said, nah, well, looks like that's sold out, but I think I'm doing a Mangria tasting out there, I think sometime Saturday. So probably want to plug that. Oh, when is that? I don't know, six o'. Clock. Something somewhere before the show Saturday. Oh, do you guys have that information? No, we didn't hear about that. I'm back to where I'm always at, which is why, why, why, why? I've said to my colleagues, I would say who, who, where, what? Where?

[G]

I mean, who was supposed to get the information?

[A]

I've said to Mike regarding the plugs here and. Or the radio stations or what have you. If something is sold out or going to be sold out, it is fucking moot to bring it up. It doesn't matter. It's plugging something that cannot. So. But there are other things that need plugging, such as the Mangria event, which is going to be California Shiners, by the way, which is in Napa. That's where they make the stuff. Fun time going over there. That'll be at 6:00'. Clock. But of course they don't have that information. They have the information on the thing that's basically sold out. Not the thing.

[G]

Need the attention. Yeah, right.

[A]

So I said, look, it was a funny conversation. Not funny, haha. So I said, well listen, I want to get the plug out on this event. And he said, all right, well let's talk about what you and Dr. Drew are going to do first on your live show and then we'll get to this thing. And I said, but there's no tickets for that. So we can hypothetically talk about what you would hear if you could go. But you can't really go because it's sold out, essentially. Sold out. But this other event you can go to and the guy says, well, where is it and what time's it at? And then I say it's on the website. And then because he said it and erased it instantly they go and look and it's not on the website. And I've had this conversation 386 times, which is if I'm going somewhere, I am selling Mangria when I get there. So make sure that it's represented on the website. Just, it's just, it's what you would do if you wanted someone to kill themselves. I've said it a million times. This is how you get someone to kill themselves.

[G]

How do you know they aren't trying?

[A]

Well, no, I think they are. I earnestly believe they're trying to get me to kill myself. And it's always this thing where it's like it falls through the cracks, blah, blah. And I announce the world, listen, I'm doing the hard part. I'm the guy who's fucking packing up the trunk full of Mangria and driving to Merced and doing a one nighter and driving home at 4 in the morning. You make sure the website's good. That's the super easy part of this whole equation. Not going to happen. Then there's a lot of this kind of stuff too, which I again never thought I'd encounter as an adult. We do these like Mangria tastings. We did one in, I don't know, Costa Mesa. I ordered a Mangria. I got something that had pieces of mint floating around into it, in it, and seltzer water, mangrito, little bubble up and some like mashed up berries. And I said, what is this? I just ordered a regular Mangria. Well, that's what the bartender's doing. So I said to Jay, Jay, when we do the tastings, they have to just offer Mangria over the rocks as it should be poured. Don't let them do their own fucked up interpretation of what Mangria means to me. I'm not selling mangaritas, I'm just selling Mangria. And then you can fuck around with it when you get home. But when someone comes to the bar and they order a Mangria, especially when the guy invented Mangria orders a Mangria, I don't want fucking chicory. I don't want a slick of chicory floating around in the top of it and a sprig of mint. I don't want that. It's not what it is. What are they doing?

[D]

So, of course, possible that he improved it in any way. I didn't. Did you taste?

[A]

Everything is better. I mean, listen, if you take. Oh, it was delightful. Had nothing to do with anything. Mangria.

[D]

Oh, but if people liked it, wouldn't they be that much more incentivized to buy Mangria?

[A]

Thank you. I appreciate what you're doing, but. No, I'm trying to have people taste Mangria. He has showed me something that is a watered down, carbonated big tumbler.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I could make a drink of almost with almost anything in it. You could. Any wine. Look, look, your wife makes a delightful toll house cookie. I could mash it into a pie, and we could sample it, and they'd say, you could say, isn't that a good dessert? Yes, it is. It has nothing to do with your.

[G]

I would also argue that it's actually insulting to hand you this thing that he. It's like he's trying to improve on your creation or something.

[A]

It's a little. Yeah. I mean, yes. And, yes, you can make Mangria taste better. There's something called a Better man, which does taste great. I love that drink. But this is not that. This is you doing your own thing. Mike ordered a white, I ordered a red. And we both got this big, tall tumbler with the mint floating around and the berries mashed up in it. And yes, mint is great. Berries are great. Ice is great. Carbonation is great. It just had nothing to do with Mangria. That was the problem. So I said to Jay, jay, when you set these things up, make sure that the bartenders know that when they're pouring Mangria, they're pouring Mangria. That's it. Mangria over ice until otherwise notified. That's what they're pouring. So, of course, then, a little controversy when we had the event at the house on Sunday. I said, well, make sure you have ingredients to do the Better Man. If people want to order the Better man, that's the Mangria signature drink, then they can have the Better Man. And then Jay said, no, no. Adam said nothing. But. And this is the big game of telephone that I ended up playing in my life. Like. Like. No, the drink that me and the guy named Simon invented that I've been talking about for six months. That's fine. That's fine. That we have on recipe cards and stuff. That's fine. I'm talking about the asshole going rogue with the Mangria. And the sprigs of mint. That's what I'm talking about.

[D]

I've been to a few of these spirit tastings. I think it's sort of a tip of the cap to the spirit to make a drink out of it. People might like the taste of tequila. If you go to a tequila tasting, they might like the margarita the guy makes or the whatever. Whatever the guy makes. It's sort of, oh, here's this Mangria. We're gonna make something out of it.

[A]

We're gonna mix it up. The difference between tequila or gin or what have you is gin is gin, tequila is tequila. You don't just put it in a glass and drink it. This is put it in a glass and drink it. So if you were having a wine, you had a Pinot noir and it was a Russian river, and I started dumping a bunch of seltzer and seven up into it, you'd be going, you're diluting my product and you're fucking it up. But whether you're making it taste better or not, you're not giving people a sample of it.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're making tequila, then taste how good our margari us taste using this Cuervo gold. That much I understand. And then give a little taste of the Cuervo gold. Anyway, so this morning, then I realized we had nothing on the website. And then I was starting to get pissed off. And then Kroc was calling me in seven minutes, and then the guys wanted to go ahead and do the interview anyway, except for we didn't have any information on it. And I called Matt and woke him up and vented on him just a little bit.

[G]

Does that mean you told him you were upset at other people or you yelled at him?

[A]

No, I always yell at him about other people and what the fuck is going on and how hard is it to get these things onto the website before. And how many times are we gonna talk about it? This is my. My point is this. How many times am I gonna have the same conversation with the same people? Because I'm fucking going insane and I'm busy. And you can have the same conversation with the same people if you're not busy. But if you are busy, it's hard. It takes away from the time when you work every single weekend. It makes it difficult. Bruce, you act like you want to say something.

[H]

No, I was just thinking it's a lot more entertaining when people frustrate the hell out of you.

[A]

It's very easy to do much more entertaining. Just don't just stay the course. Everyone stay the course.

[G]

I'm with you on the fact that all of this is even harder to deal with. In the morning, though, yes, I'll lie in bed. Not at all the same. But I'll lie in bed looking at Twitter, and I'll think, this is not the right time for me to do it, because a tiny thing is gonna set me.

[A]

Put some coffee in you, put some eggs in you. That's right. Also was all made better because I went and did Howie Mandel's show today. And again, last time I saw him, he was drunk on Mangria. So that was nice and out of his mind for it. For a guy who doesn't drink, the ultimate tip of the cap is the guy who does no drinking shit, faced on your product and wanting more. But now you guys tell me. And again, I would say this. When I talk to people who get into fights every weekend, I go, you're bringing it on yourself. You know? And they go, man, I was just at the bar minding my own business, and this guy fucking knocked my elbow and spilled my beer all over. And I didn't even say anything. But then he got in my grill. And you're like, yeah, but you get into a fight every fucking weekend. How is this. How are you not bringing this on? So this. I ask myself the same questions about these things, and you guys tell me, this is. This is a good one. So I'm doing Howie Mandel's, like, hidden camera show. Kind of funny concept. I think it's coming out in a few months. I'll keep you posted. But I'm doing. I'm doing a show and they do go down to the grove thing over there in Glendale and park underneath and park and valet. That's number one. And then work your way up to Nobu and get upstairs to Nobu. That's where we have. That's where we have tent Valley Village. You know, tent city. What do they call that? Video village. Be up there. So I go, all right. So I pull in and they go, you know, show up at 1 o' clock and park valet and do it. Okay. I don't know where. It's a big. It's kind of a big complex. It's over there in Glendale. I'm not real familiar with it. Ah, it's the Americana. And I'm not sure where Nobu is. There's 185 stores. Now, what you'd probably do is take a PA and have them go stand out there by valet. And what you'd probably do is tell them to get there 10 hours or 10 minutes early and just have them sit there. And then when I came up, they'd walk me up somewhere because you wouldn't want me to get lost or get high or get fucking raped or something. But fine. But I pull into the valet. I go through the valet thing. There's no valet. There's no valet, anything. There's no valet, anybody or anything or anywhere. So now I'm going through the valet section, but there's no Buddy. So I just sort of turn and park, and then I sort of find my way around, find Nobu and get up there and go do the show and how he's nice, have a good time, and everything goes good and fine. And then when it comes time to leave, I get handed the validation, but I realize I didn't pull a ticket because I went to valet parking, but nobody was there. So now as I'm leaving, I'm thinking, I'm pretty sure with these automated things, you have to put your ticket in, then you have to put your validation in that says good for two hours. Except for I don't have a first ticket because there was no one at the valet and I never pulled a ticket. So now I'm in this quandary because there's not going to be anyone to talk to. I'm just going to have people stacking up behind me as I feed in my validation ticket with no initial ticket.

[G]

I'm sweating and getting hives just hearing this.

[A]

So I do this move where there's nobody coming in through the valet side. So I just turn around and just backtrack it through the valley side. Here are my choices. Talk to a human being of which there are none. If there are native is not going to. English will not be their native. Top native will be their native language.

[G]

And trying to work something out with you won't be their priority.

[A]

There'll be no, first off, it'll be this. It'll be a. There'll be. There'll be three laps around the retard park. You know where you go. I pulled in and there was no validate. There's no. There's no validation guy. There was no so valet parking. So I just pulled in and they

[G]

go, you didn't grab your ticket?

[A]

You didn't get your ticket? And I go, no, there was no ticket because I went into valet. You should have waited for the valet. I know, but there was no valet. Where did you park? Valet. So where's your ticket? You know, there's going. We're do 14 laps. We're in 14 laps on the. Why didn't you. You know that thing where you go and talk to people about. Here's the problem. Here's the reason why we're speaking.

[G]

I'm telling you about things that happen presumably every day at the place that you work. How is this so confusing to you?

[A]

I didn't build a time machine and go back to Elizabethan England and walk into the place where you're making saddles and start talking about some faraway future where they had automobiles and valet parkers. They didn't, right? No, it's where you work. But still there's gonna be confusion and lots of laps and then some. You're not supposed to do that kind of thing. So I said, I'm looking around. I don't still. There's no valet anybody. There's no. There's no one around. So I go, all right, I'm gonna drive up the urethra of life. I'm gonna turn around. I'm going back. I can't go. Other if I go left, I'll go hit the gate. I can't get through the gate, and there's no one around. So I'm gonna drive against the current of light. And then we're gonna have a problem because I'm gonna get to the big ramp that leads down from the street, and I'm going against traffic when we get to that ramp.

[G]

So someone could be pulling in as you're talking.

[A]

Someone could be pulling in. So it's not very busy. It's about three in the afternoon. There's not much going on. And I do the. All right, it's about 65ft. I just got to kind of get to the top. And then once I perch myself on top of the sidewalk on top there, I'll just turn on the street, or if people see me, they'll give me a dirty look, but not going to T bone anyone. And I stay to the right, and I start pulling up, and sure enough, somebody is heading down, and they pass me and they give me the huh, huh? Like, which way you going, Nicole Richie, you're going the wrong direction, bitch. And I give him the yeah, Howie Mandel. I don't know how much semi 4 I can do with the Howie Mandel hidden camera show. No valet. And you said there was going to be a valet.

[G]

And what's the sign for, I couldn't get a ticket.

[A]

All these fucking shows that are so concerned about, like, getting you there. Getting you there. Getting you there. Don't say valet park when there's no valet parking available. But anyway, let's just send the fucking peon. There's always like eight peons running around those. You know, the guys that are, you know, going on the Costco runs and getting the bottle of art. Send that guy out to make sure the valet guy knows. But anyway, so now I go up, and I'm staying to the right lane. And here comes Mildred turning left in there. And she does the move where she not only stops to judge, but she blocks and judges, you know, and she stops and she goes. She gives the, like, you ate my grandchildren look like, you know, that look we have, that one that drives everyone. It's like righteous indignation mixed with fear and anger and.

[G]

And, well, I've never.

[A]

Yeah, well, I've never. Like, you're from a 50s sitcom, you know, you're the banker's wife in a Lucy sitcom, and he's coming to dinner. Well, I've never. Yeah, yeah, from a Marx Brothers movie. And she gave the. She was perfect. She was perfect. She was like 66 and a half. White, short cropped hair, beige Camry. Like, just. You want fucking Hescher Hacky Sack, dude. You want anybody. You want anybody but her. And she literally pinched me and stopped. Like, it was like she was making a citizen's arrest, you know? And she was giving Sherry. What kind of man. I could just feel the fucking air coming out of her fucking vent. She's like, what kind of man? And I gave. I know, I know. But, you know, you fucking move it along, because I am eight feet from daylight. If you just fucking move, I will be up on this sidewalk where I can be clearly seen, and no one is gonna hit me. And it's gonna be a little inconvenience if someone else is turning, but they're not. I'll be up top. I. I won't be mid ramp. And she just kind of blocked me. And again, that impulse to stop, you know what I mean? Like, there's danger here. I will stop and block it.

[G]

If you're the kind of maniac who would drive up this ramp, who knows what else you're capable of?

[A]

I wish for once I just fucking jump out and start spraying her car with bullets.

[G]

What does it appear to her that might be happening? You're running away from the scene of a crime or like. Like you're not paying your bills?

[A]

Obviously a mistake was made. I don't think they think of it in terms of a crime. Was committed. I think they think it's a mistake. But it's an opportunity to judge, and it's an opportunity that will not be squandered. And the way we can take. We can make judgment soup out of this rock soup is for her to block me in just such a way where I can't get out. I was giving her the. I know, I know. And she was just like, oh, my goodness, dear God. And my 51 years behind the wheel, I've never seen such a travesty, you know? And I was like, I get it. I know. I'm aware of this. And by the way, I'm driving an expensive car. Like, I'm not crazy, drug addled guy in minivan with bumper dragging. We're here. I paid for. She driving. She driving like a Camry or something like that. And she just did the Lexus 400, I think, Lexus something. She did the stop move and just fucking had that look. And I say to all these fucking people, what does this get you? Like, how much. I know I bring this up a lot, but how much satisfaction? What is it? What do you get out of it? What's in it for you?

[G]

I would imagine she gets nothing because someone like that is irritated all the time by little tiny things.

[A]

For somebody who gets nothing, why is it used so liberally and so often?

[D]

Does it extend to the dinner table? Like, does she say to the husband at the end of a long day, oh, I gave someone a dirty look today, and boy, did it feel good.

[A]

I imagine they have these conversations about what a douchebag I am when they get home. But again, does it make you money? Does it make you happy?

[H]

Control issues. Those are like the people that control the laminates at the concerts, right?

[A]

Yeah, those assholes are always like, no, you can't get on stage. I go, well, someone's gonna have to bring on the boss tones. And I'm supposed to be doing it about four minutes. Well, you can't get on stage with that.

[G]

So what happened? Are you still there?

[A]

I just gave her the get the fuck along. In my mind. Yes. Just fucking move it. Like, the longer I spend facing the wrong way on this ramp, the more danger that the thing that you're indignant about. You're perpetuating it. Cunt. So move it the fuck along. All right. Dr. Spaz.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

You have some personal news?

[H]

Yeah, before something interrupts me.

[A]

Okay, great. You know what? Screw that. Legal zoom, baby. So sue me. Dawson set himself up in llc. How'd that go there, Dawson? You know, I actually feel kind of bad about it because I haven't really had to think about forming my LLC at all. It took like 30 minutes online. LegalZoom.com talked to a couple people over there on the phone, did have a couple of questions for a lawyer. Talk to them. If you try to do it on your own, you got a million forms, a whole bunch of fees. You'll probably do it wrong and have to hire a layer lawyer later. So don't do that. I saved time. I saved. Later lawyer. Later lawyer. It's a huge relief knowing it's all done and done right with legalzoom.com. yeah, I want to hear some later hosing. Yeah, let's set up a little LLC like Dawson or an S Corp or nonprofit. LegalZoom takes care of you, start to finish. Legal Zoom, Zoom. Legal Zoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you to an attorney and provide self help services. Your specific direction for even more savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family, and safeguard your [e-mail] all right, Dr. Spaz. All right, what do you got?

[H]

First story, I was thinking,

[A]

With jail in his hair, he's not too bad bad. He's got good lenses, but real bad frames. Some call him Bruce, but there's another name. We call him doctor. We call him doctor Sp. He'll put a finger up your ass. All right, all right.

[H]

First story, I thought this was. Was apropos for you, and maybe you could create another business venture with your Mangria. Exercise may prevent alcohol from damaging the brain. They found that individuals that actively exercise, not while drinking, but and drink, have less damage to white matter, the brain cells that allow you to think and communicate. So being that you have, I think

[A]

it's racist to call the thinking ones white matter. Dude, number one, only you.

[H]

So in that sense, they're not encouraging overuse of alcohol.

[A]

Look, stop. Every time someone says, you know, whenever they do these fucking studies, where they go, turns out a glass of wine a day is good for circulation. Now, we're not suggesting that you quit your job, physically abuse your wife, say goodbye to your children, and start living off a fucking night train and slamming heroin and living in a dumpster. Yeah, I know. I got the part about abusing. Why did all. Why, why, why all with the don't abuse. Like when I say a glass of wine, am I gonna go, oh, that's my ticket to fucking boozeville. Look out, world. I heard during a study that I could drink 24 7. I'm just gonna get myself some pop off vodka in the big squeeze bottle and just fucking start chugging it. Well, yeah, I don't.

[H]

I think that when you are given a study, can we do a fucking

[A]

study where you just go, here's what the study is. And then not follow it up with. That's not your ticket.

[H]

No, because there are requirements when you do the study to put the stupid, the stupid qualifications, the qualifying statements in there.

[G]

Who requires that?

[H]

Don't add.

[A]

So it turns out exercise good for

[H]

people that are heavy drinks. The Mangria exercise program.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

And another binge drinking.

[A]

You could combine actually your two loves.

[G]

Heavy glass.

[A]

Heavy glass. I was gonna say fighting with the cops and that. You know what I mean? Just getting shit faced and going at it with the cops.

[G]

Weight resistant glass and fighting with cops.

[H]

Okay. On the same, along the same line of drinking, binge drinking in college, what's happened in recent years? People that drink, Students that drink in college tend to binge drink, drink heavily. Percentage of drinkers in college that drink, binge drink. And so binge drinking, defined as five or more standard alcoholic drinks in the space of two hours. They did a study where they looked at binge drinkers over a period of time that were in college. And they found that the changes in their blood vessels were similar to those seen in middle aged individuals with. With coronary artery atherosclerotic heart disease. Now, their blood pressure and their cholesterol were the same. But this is really sort of monumental study in terms of there's a lot of binge drinking. And it's always been thought, well, binge drinking, no matter how much you drink when you're younger, if you quit, there's no long term effects.

[A]

So there's long term effects drinking long term. Yeah.

[H]

What they looked at were endothelial cells, the little sensitive cells that line your arteries. Those are the ones that when they become diseased, create plaque, create problems with blood pressure, heart attacks later on. So bad news for Ray. For Ray? Well, I don't know. Ray seems to be.

[A]

Ray seems to be. I've seen ray take Bacardi 151, dump it into a tumbler about 4 inches high and just gonk, gunk, gunk, gunk.

[H]

Yeah, Ray is. But maybe he'll just fall apart all at once.

[G]

When I was in college, I remember hearing that what they called binge drinking was something where I was like, well, that's what all of us do pretty much every week. It was something less than Five drinks in the space of two hours. So I'm happy that this is now what they're calling binge drinking.

[H]

Yeah, five or more standard alcoholic drinks in the space of two hours in men and four or more in women. Oh, there you go. That's the definition for the study. Okay. Do you want a secondhand smoke study?

[A]

Yeah, I'd love it.

[H]

I just have to provide secondhand. And then third hand smoke is where it gets on your clothes.

[A]

Listen, my kids can look forward to. To a future with fifth and sixth hand smoke. No, it's gonna be awesome.

[H]

Well, Lynette's had me smell your drapes and pillows in the family room. Just. I will confirm that you do have some third hand smoke issues in your

[A]

house, but I don't give a fuck.

[H]

Oh, surprise, surprise. Okay.

[A]

It turns out, here's the thing about those kids and the safety. The fucking pool was left unchecked. Their entire childhood. The gates were swinging in the fucking breeze. The entire childhood. Childhood.

[H]

Not true.

[A]

You guys are no parents.

[H]

I know.

[A]

Yeah, no, there was no. There were clothes sometimes. Right. But not a lot of times they were open. Plenty of drowning time for those kids.

[H]

Yeah, I think Lynette left them open for you. We were binge drinking, so you might fall in.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[H]

Second. No, seriously, Secondhand smoke. What they looked at are homes with adolescent girls.

[A]

Well, you know, you get. But don't we have problems? What about problems?

[D]

Problems?

[H]

Cigarettes. The more. I obviously don't have time to present all of my cogent material because of some of your.

[A]

Go ahead. Yeah.

[H]

But it turns out more and more diseases, disorders in health problems. I saw an article today. Rheumatoid arthritis and smoking. So cigarette smoking does have a huge effect. And secondhand smoke, you know, this is just looking at cardiovascular health in teenage girls that live in homes where there's. There's smoking. So.

[A]

Ever walk into a fucking new apartment that had new carpet put down? Oh, well. And you smell that smell?

[H]

Oh, yeah. New building syndrome of all that fucking

[A]

rush of just chemicals coming into your fucking nostrils.

[H]

Absolutely.

[A]

What about every kid that's crawling around on some Dupont Dacron pile with some stains? Well, it's probably what caused.

[H]

Probably what causes autism, actually.

[A]

Yeah. And then everybody. Every fucking leaf blower and every. How about anyone who lives next to a freeway here in la? How much shit is in the air if you live within 100ft of a freeway?

[H]

There's less shit in the air now than there was 20, 30 years ago. So the point is, we do the studies. We Identify the problems and we decrease the amount the toxins. But cigarette smoking, that's tied to addictive behavior.

[A]

Yes, Cigarette smoking is bad for you. And having someone blow cigarette smoke in your face is bad for you. But it coming out of the curtains is not gonna do shit to anyone. How do I know? I've conducted a study over the last 250 fucking years.

[H]

I wanna see the institutional review board that reviewed your study.

[A]

People used to just sit in their apartments with the windows closed in the winter and just smoke. Fucking kids are fine. Jesus goddamn Christ. Can we move on to real fucking problems?

[H]

Here's a real problem. Caffeine laced foods spur FDA investigations. They're putting caffeine in everything.

[A]

I know. And here's the thing. Remember as a kid, coffee was for adults?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

There's no such thing as coffee. And pretentious high schoolers even then, like for me there was like, coffee was what? Leave it to Beaver. Dad drank. It was like, that's a drink for adults. There's no coffee anything for kids.

[H]

I wasn't aware of this. Caffeine's being added to jelly beans, waffles, potato chips, and then the gum. A pack of gum. Each piece is equivalent to half a cup of coffee. I mean, five pieces of that gum and you're buzzed. And then the kids sit there. I mean, I can go through two packs of gum. You know, it's the type thing where you can really get a toxic level of caffeine.

[A]

Yes. What we're doing is we need energy, but we don't have energy because we're fatter, we're less healthy, we're eating like shit and we're not exercising as much, we're not sleeping as well, and we're constantly distracted. So we have to artificially infuse energy. Essentially what we're doing is we're creating whatever Elvis was at the end. That's the society we're making ourselves. It's like we have to go to bed at night, but we can't go to bed because we're hopped up from today. Right. So we knock ourselves down with some. Some depressant, you know, some sleeping pills or whatever. Everything on commercials either pick it up or tone it down. Like sleeping pill or pep it up pill.

[H]

Have you considered a Mangria energy drink?

[A]

It gives me. It gives me. It's the wind beneath my wings. Yeah. Okay.

[H]

Tanning beds. I didn't realize it, but there's a new law in effect. Tanning beds are banned in California. The minimum age has been raised from 14 to 18 years old. And I was looking at some stats, that's what I'm saying, on 10 to 12 year olds.

[A]

Hold on a second, here's. I want to be in one of these fucking council meetings when they. When they, you know, when they. When they bring these things to order, you know what I mean? You be the lawmaker who wants to put this legislation forward with the tanning beds. Yes, the chair recognizes Dr. Spaz. Dr. Spaz.

[H]

Yes. I'd like to go through some data on the number of cancer deaths in the United States. And ultimately I have legislation to control the age of the users of tanning beds in the state.

[A]

Okay, so 100% graduation rate from high schools here in the state of California.

[H]

I'd strike that from the record. That's relevant.

[A]

Speeding along the 405 at a breakneck speed during rush hour, that's a separate issue. Cops, firemen, pensions, all taken care of. No fucking deficit whatsoever.

[H]

I represent the American Academy of Technology here.

[A]

Potholes filled.

[H]

I can't change.

[A]

Prison, the world you live in. Why don't you fucking fix one of those goddamn things? I'll tell you What, I have 100 problems to get to before we get to fucking tanning bets. Do you understand?

[G]

1.

[A]

It ain't fucking one of them. Like fucking P. Diddy, like Super Earl. I don't know many rappers, but tanning beds ain't my top 1000. So sorry. Take your. Take that. We're gonna focus on potholes. Then we're gonna focus on elderly abuse. Then we're gonna focus on third hand smoke. Then we're gonna focus on the dropout rate in high school. Are you really seniors? I want another standardized testing and mass scores going through the fucking floorboards. And then we're done with all that and we fixed everything and we put a fucking bow on all those problems. Then we'll get back to you and your minimum, minimum required age for tanning beds. All right?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[H]

All right.

[D]

Please let the minutes reflect that the speaker's tone has turned quite abusive.

[A]

Jesus. Fuck. Somebody liked it. All right. Do we need another fucking law in the state? No, how about we just fucking get the school systems working, okay? Jesus goddamn Christ.

[H]

Okay, let's see, what else can we talk about? Resting heart rate and risk of early cardiovascular death.

[A]

So what?

[H]

They found another correlation between your resting heart rate and your cardiovascular health and if you have a risk of sudden death in earlier years. So I don't know if you've ever measured resting heart rate. Some people, they're in good shape, but resting heart rate 95, 100.

[A]

I'm somewhere between mummy and coma.

[H]

No. Well, that's great. I mean, if you're 50 to 60, resting heart rate versus if your resting heart rate is 90, your risk of cardiovascular death. Heart attacks triple.

[A]

I'm between triathlete. And is this thing working? Doesn't seem to be alive. No, that's good.

[H]

I mean, that's exactly where you want to be.

[A]

It's good for you. It's not good for my kids when they present me with their artwork. There you go. All right. Okay.

[H]

And one that's near and dear to my heart. Us scientists find high levels of lead in imported rice.

[G]

That's near and dear to your heart?

[H]

Well, because like I tell my kids when we go to Walmart, you can buy anything in the store as long as it's not made in China.

[A]

Have those kids picked the pizza topping that they're into yet?

[H]

Those kids are. They say you haven't had them back over for pizza, so they're pissed at you.

[A]

They shame return for pizza.

[H]

Well, maybe for babysitting though.

[A]

Brian, you play me asking. We got your kids asking Bruce's kids what they'd like on the pizza. I'm about to order them.

[D]

Hey, good news, kids. It's time for pizza. You guys excited for pizza?

[H]

You know what they say? They say that story's so old. Okay, I got two more.

[A]

Two more. Interesting.

[D]

You know what world you're at. Whatever you want your pizza topping. What is it? Let me know, I'm on the phone. Quickly.

[A]

Pizza.

[D]

No, no, no, we're getting pizza. Whatever you want on the pizza. It's your treat. Whatever you want.

[A]

Pizza flavor.

[D]

No, no, on top the pizza toppings. What? You kids have another name for pizza toppings?

[A]

I like cheese.

[D]

Well, cheese is more of a base.

[A]

We don't have the toppings. We don't have toppings. Do you have options?

[D]

I mean and I suppose pepperoni. Everyone likes pepperoni, right?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

Well, you gotta like something. Sausage. Vegetarians. Bruce is raising your vegetarians.

[A]

I'm gonna crawl inside of my head. You've done a wonderful job at that point. Wow, that's just cold blooded.

[G]

Crawl inside your head.

[A]

Hat.

[G]

Oh, hat.

[A]

That's what they did.

[H]

That's cold blooded.

[A]

I've never experienced Talking to a 12 year old and a 9 year old begging them for their favorite pizza toppings. And like I fucking had to start waterboarding them to try to get a pizza topping out of them. Bruce. What? What goes on over there. They've.

[H]

They've grown up now.

[D]

They'll.

[H]

They'll be able to order pizza at your house.

[A]

Shout out pineapple. Now, are we at that point or do you have to stand there with a dry erase board?

[H]

No, no, no. Okay. I got one more thing I want to get.

[G]

Okay, but while we're being cold blooded, Bruce has said Americans and Arthur Rose sclerotic or something, and we haven't made anything. Made any ado about it.

[A]

Now, he said. He said narrander and dare to hurt my daughter.

[H]

Was reading some Twitter thing that said I could never go to a doctor that says America. I don't say Amurica.

[A]

What? I don't get this.

[H]

I am getting more flack from people that listen.

[A]

I give Bruce crap. He's smarter than Dr. Drew. He knows more about medicine than Dr. Drew. That's his job. I can't copy that. No, he does. He does. He provides more answers and he better read. And he's practicing. You know, he's not a TV doctor. He knows medicine. He just can't express it.

[H]

Let me tell you, this is just a short anecdote how I know I'm not a celebrity. Some guy I'm walking out of a restaurant in Redlands and He goes, oh, Dr. Spaz. And then you know you're not a celebrity. When he has to explain to people around him who I am.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, well, this guy's a.

[H]

Okay, one more thing. El Carnitine. I've always wondered about El Carnitine.

[A]

The Great swordsman.

[H]

No, El Carnitine. The food additive and what all my. No, what everybody takes to build.

[A]

Never seen his face. He's always got the mask.

[H]

Have you ever taken that at the gym? Have you seen it at the gym?

[A]

Yeah. Sorry, what?

[H]

El Carnitine.

[A]

He does that el cabong move at the guitar at the end of each match. No. El Carnitine.

[G]

I love his cape.

[H]

How many people at the gym, how many people you know that are trying to build muscle are taking L Carnitine?

[A]

I don't.

[H]

Don't. And it's added to all the energy drinks.

[A]

I could name them, but it'd take the rest of the show. I don't know anyone. Does anyone. I've never even heard of L. Carnitine.

[D]

I saw all the rest.

[A]

Like creatine from Mexico. No.

[G]

Oh, I'm thinking L. It's not E.

[A]

L just called Carnitine.

[G]

L. Dash Carnitine. I've seen it on a big jug of stuff.

[H]

I am misassociating with creatine. But carnitine is the stuff you see in the energy drinks.

[A]

It's l. It's literally.

[H]

It's an amino acid compound, okay? And so there's been a big debate because it's one of these things that the people that recommend, all the healthy things to do have been recommending for years. And now there's a concern that it actually, through a metabolism of a gut bacteria, causes something that leads to heart disease. So there's been a big thing in the news about. Because it's such a widely used substance that's in all the energy drinks. If you look at. Well, I don't want to mention any brand names, but there's a concern that it does increase coronary artery.

[A]

All right, let me explain. Let me cut to the chase here, Everybody. The great Dr. Drew once said, no free lunch in nature. And all the energy drinks and all the supplements and all this shit, there's no substitute. First off, there's no substitute for wanting to get out of bed in the morning. The best thing you can do. People talk about building up your immune system and all that kind of shit. And by the way, people tweet me stuff all day long that talks about moms when they drop the pacifier, they lick it off in their mouth and they pop it in the kid's mouth and then the kid magically doesn't get sick. And all the shit I complain about with all the fucking food allergies with soft ass whitey and all the things I complain about all come to fruition magically. Why I know everything. Because I know nothing. Said this a million and one times. I'm intuitive. I'm tuned into the earth, man. I'm like a fucking eagle. That was my top article.

[H]

It's in the New York Times today.

[A]

Parents, your top article is the one you're not going to get to. I forgot. No, no.

[H]

Parents that lick the pacifier, lower rates of allergies and asthma in those kids just came out.

[A]

All right, so here's the thing. There is no greater health. Everyone's talking about. Look, I'm going on a master cleanse and I'm fucking on the creatine. Or I'm doing this or I've cut back on that, or I'm doing my cheat day, or I'm on no carbs and I'm. First thing you need for your health, for your immune system, for your energy level, for everything in life is be interested in fucking life. Have somewhere to go. Have something to do. Have a passion.

[G]

What if you can't do that, you have to.

[A]

You're depressed. That's everything else. Well, there's not enough coffee on the planet to give you enough energy. There's not enough supplements. There's not enough protein powder to ever make up for. I'm fucking excited about doing this. And if you take a look at anyone who's had a great life, you know, you take a look at the great Paul Newman. Yes, I am trying to work out a documentary on Paul Newman. That guy ran his last race when he was 82 years of age. He died at 83. He was married to the same woman for 50 years and he fucking loved life. And if he wasn't doing a salad dressing, he was winning championships. And if he wasn't doing that behind the wheel of a car, he was making a movie. How much creatine did that guy ingest in his life? How many supplements? How much fucking Red Bull did that guy take in? How much? All this bullshit. Did he ever talk about not being properly hydrated? Did he ever talk about drinking eight glasses of water a day, ate all

[D]

those eggs and Cool Hand Luke?

[A]

He ate as much cholesterol as he could take.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Was he ever worried about toxins in that sweat box? He never talked about fucking toxins. All he did was get up every morning and go, I'm fucking excited about the very small amount of time I have on this planet and all the things I want to do in that small amount of time. So listen, everybody, forget about the fucking supplements. Forget about the fucking master cleanse. Forget about the coffee enema. Forget about all the bullshit the man's fucking trying to either shove up your ass or ram down your throat and focus on getting excited about something in life. Focus on a direction. Focus on a muse. Focus on a reason to get out of bed. Because there's no amount of supplements and there's no amount of caffeine and there's no amount of pharmaceuticals that can ever be substituted for enthusiasm.

[H]

Well said.

[A]

Now let's go win one for the fucking Acer. Thank you. That's enough of you. Okay?

[H]

Thank you for allowing me to share with you.

[A]

Thank you.

[G]

That being said, isn't it hard for you to get out of bed in the morning?

[A]

I hate it.

[G]

Okay?

[A]

I'm miserable. We have an outro.

[D]

Oh, sorry, buddy.

[A]

Oh, okay. This has been Healthwatch with Dr. Spaz. Yeah. Mother's Day, baby. It's coming this Sunday. Favorite day of the year. Mother's Day. 100 blooms for Mama. Just $19.99. 50% off. Or you can upgrade. I think Mama's worth an upgrade. You get the chocolates, you get the premium pink vase for just 10 bucks more. So for under 30 bucks, you get the chocolates, you get the vase, you get 100 blooms. And I've counted these things. Not 99.

[D]

Painstaking, but you did it.

[A]

Not 96 and a half. No, I do it with every shipment that goes out. 100. I give a thumbs up. Out they go.

[G]

Do you ever mess up and have to start over?

[A]

Well, I do sometimes when I'll. Because I usually have the television on. Because go nuts over there. And they'll bring up a thing where they go, call 1-800- and I'll go, damn it, now I'm screwed up again. You don't realize in life if you're counting stuff and you have the radio on or the TV on, how often a number pops up in the 20 seconds it's taking you. Oh, there I go with another number.

[D]

You're so big. Busy.

[A]

Proflowers. That's right. And my fingers are bleeding. Proflowers. Guaranteed to last a full week or your money back. And the way to get the deal is go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in Ace. Mother's Day this Sunday. Let's get going. 100 blooms. Proflowers. Tell them Ace sent you. All right. You got a movie to review, do you not? Yeah, let's do that. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spend bucks, remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit. Transformers 2. Hooray for Bounty War. Yeah.

[D]

So Iron Man 3, like you said,

[A]

$170 something million dollars, baby.

[D]

That's a noteworthy number. I'm not usually too interested in box office. That's a pretty big number. Yeah, that's worthy of respect. Written, co. Written and directed by Shane Black, who you may know from Predator. He was in Predator. He was an actor. He's the guy with the glasses. Yeah, I think he died first or second. He was Hawkins in Predator. He also wrote. He's a. He's a legendary red rod. Lethal Weapon 1 and 2. The Last Boy scout, the last action hero. He's a big writer in the 80s and 90s.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Still at it. Returning, of course, Robert Downey Jr. Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, who, remember, took over for Terrence Howard after the first one.

[A]

Well, I rarely. I'm not a good enough actor to point out when other people are horrible at acting, but the very first movie, I watched a whole movie, and then I went, what the fuck was wrong with Terrence Howard? Like, why was he in this movie? I've. No. It's like. It's. It's. It's like there was some sort of EEOC decree that said, you must put a person of color in this. And someone grabbed Terrence Howard and shoved him into this movie. Like he didn't want to be there. They didn't want him there. I have no idea what he was doing there.

[D]

Yeah, I think it's rare that an actor get. It's rare that an actor in a successful movie gets replaced in the sequel. It happened with Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal in the Batman movies. I think that's sort of.

[A]

They're sort of. Who cares? And they. They interchange them a lot. I mean, in Batman, I mean, Karen Tower's a good actor.

[D]

It's pretty rare the same actor gets replaced for the same character.

[A]

They did the black guy math, you know, like, put it in place.

[D]

New to the cast.

[A]

We didn't know the two Darrens apart. And Bewitch.

[D]

That's the acting version of your. Terrence is Terrence. I think they kind of wanted to move on with someone new.

[A]

I don't. He's a good actor. I don't think he wants to do superhero movies and just didn't seem like he wanted to be there.

[D]

But anyway, Guy Pearce is in this one from Memento, and Ben Kingsley's in this one. He's great. Ben Kingsley was my favorite part of the movie.

[A]

He's great in everything.

[D]

I'm sad to say. I didn't actually like the movie that much. Have you seen it yet or. You'll see it with Sonny.

[A]

I Love Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, he's one of those guys, you know a lot of stuff. Sort of. You could swap this guy out for that guy. And then there's a handful of guys where you go, that guy's super charismatic.

[D]

He's in that category of just great actors where there's only a few people like him.

[A]

He's great.

[D]

Less Than Zero. He's great. Tropic Thunder. I mean, all these great movies.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[D]

Long career.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Didn't like the movie that much. I kind of.

[A]

All right. The first one was good.

[D]

First one was great. I liked the first one a lot. People seen that together. Actually, the Cinerama Dome, lynch and a

[A]

couple people don't realize. What's good about the first one is you get to discover the character.

[D]

Great backstory. The whole thing with a cave and everything was fun.

[A]

And also, as I say all the time. Foreplay. Foreplay, foreplay. I mean, not at home, but you know what I'm saying? When you make a move. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. The first one took a little while to get to the point where he was back in the US and blah, blah, blah.

[D]

I didn't like the second one very much.

[A]

That was just me because there's action on top. Action. Look, it's the same thing they do, you know, it's the Jaws thing. The first Jaws, you didn't see the shark for the first hour. The second Jaws, the Jaws was sliding through the Drive through the fucking McDonald's and eating people in the first eight seconds.

[D]

This has two of your pet peeves in movies, especially these kinds of movies. Number one, you know the whole thing where if one Iron man is good, two is better, and this one has many more aliens. It's gonna be called Iron Men.

[A]

I'm gonna spay and neuter my pet peeves. I'm tired of them reproducing.

[D]

It also has a vulnerable hero who suffers from repeated panic attacks. So this is Tony Stark, who's coming to. Coming to grips with himself as vulnerability.

[A]

Oh, I don't need that either.

[D]

It's for kids. I'm sure Sonny will love it. I'm sure Sonny will dig it a lot.

[A]

The mistake. It's the alien versus aliens.

[D]

Well, that's a bad example.

[A]

Aliens. Awesome. But. I know. But here's the deal.

[D]

It's every other. You're at every other.

[A]

It is true that Aliens is good. And then the subsequent ones. There's too many and there's an. Aliens is a really good movie, but Alien was great, and it makes both my points. First off, Foreplay, Slow Burn. Nothing going on for the first hour. That movie, really. So by the time something breaks, you're fucking wet down there. Number one. Number two, one antagonist you can focus on. You want it. By the time of that. By the time she was in that escape pod. Spoiler alert from 1979. But by the time she was in that escape pod and that fucking alien would not let go of the thing. Relentless. You just had that thing with that one creature once. There's an army of those creatures and you're mowing them down. Some are still getting to the guys. But they become. They're not invincible anymore. They Become sort of mortal. You can mow them down or you can hit them with the flamethrower. Flamethrower seems to be very effective. And nothing stands the test of time like a flamethrower. Yeah, like they were using those on Iwo Jima to root the Japanese out of Caves in 1944. And then 2000 years in the future, same fucking guy. But the flamethrower.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Unlike denim. Unlike hinges.

[D]

Denim's gone.

[A]

Yep. And blouses don't really seem. No, no.

[D]

But apparently leather and. And flamethrowers kind of skirts.

[A]

Like all the. In the future, chicks wear a version of the dude outfit.

[D]

Like the one piece sort of.

[A]

Well, it's like if I wore flannel shirt and dockers, you'd wear a chick version of flannel shirts and dockers.

[G]

Yeah, everyone's kind of wearing a uniform.

[A]

They kind of wear the same thing. Yeah. Anyway, so not as.

[D]

Did you see the Avengers with Sonny? Okay, so there's a lot of references to the Avengers. Like. Like he's talking about, oh, after what happened in New York with aliens and blah, blah. Engage me in this conversation for a second. When you're in a world that has a Hulk and Thor with his magic hammer, what good is Iron man if Iron man gets killed? What are the stakes? If he gets killed, we'll just call Thor and his magic hammer. Or the Hulk, who literally cannot be defeated. He cannot be destroyed.

[G]

This is why Brian gets out of bed in the morning.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. But what are the stakes in this movie now? Now, who cares if Iron man dies or gets injured? There's a Hulk and there's a four. Who has a magic hammer.

[A]

You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to do like a split screen with you doing this and then have some guy. How old are you? 32.

[D]

34.

[A]

Yeah, 34. Guy in Darfur. 34 who's explained to his wife the well is dry, the cattle are all dead. With a slightly less passion. Slightly less passion than your Thor. Iron Man.

[G]

What point is Iron man in a

[A]

world where there's the holes, crops are dust. It just like we have a Hulk. Four of our nine children have aids, the other three of herpes. It's a world with the Hulk and Thor. Thor has a hammer. What is the point of. I love a first world problem.

[B]

Can this.

[D]

Can this magic.

[A]

That's what we have.

[D]

Can instead the magic hammer cure famine.

[A]

That's what we have. Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

First world problems, baby.

[D]

Second world problem with the movie. Everyone else likes it at 78% of rotten tomatoes. However, only 69among the top critics. So maybe for the more discerning view.

[A]

And now, what is the first one? Now, how much better is this reviewed than number two?

[D]

That's a great question, Gary. Would have to look that up. I'm guessing a little better.

[A]

I would say, ooh, now, if I was to do my Ocean's Eleven trilogy, where they did the. Hey, we did Ocean's Eleven, Everyone went, oh, that was kind of a fun romp.

[D]

It was fun, yeah.

[A]

And then we did. Did Ocean's 12 or whatever the next one was, and it's a piece of shit.

[D]

Oh, it's a piece of shit.

[A]

It was, well disappointing. Yeah. And then everyone did the. Hey, we're back with the third one. But they weren't really back with the third one. Now I got to see the Rotten Tomatoes for one. What would you say? 11 was very good.

[D]

I would say that might be in the 80s.

[A]

Higher than Iron Man 1. I'm gonna take Iron Man 1.

[D]

Are you saying Ocean's Eleven 1?

[A]

I want to take the Ocean's Eleven trilogy and put it up against the Iron man trilogy and see where that did on number two. And then the Rise again. First one. Best on both, right?

[D]

Third one. This third one is far better than Ocean's 13.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Oceans got to be in the 50s.

[A]

Good. I would guess Iron man one. Is this. Give me top critics, please. Or right now I have critics, but I hope this is critics. Right, right. Top critics. All right, we'll fix it anyway. 90. 89 on the top critics, for one.

[D]

Sounds about right. It's a good movie.

[A]

73 for number two. It's a little higher than I would have thought. And then 78 for the third. Well, it's better than the second one, right?

[D]

Yeah, I would say that. Yes. For sure. I would. If they're giving you choice right now.

[A]

I think the second one is unnaturally high.

[D]

Yes, I think so.

[A]

That should have been more in the 60s.

[D]

Yeah. I would give us about a C plus. Didn't love it. It. If you want to. If you haven't seen it, you haven't seen in a while or you haven't seen it at all. See Predator. That's a fun movie. It's a smart movie. The director's in the movie, for God's sake. See Predator. That's. That's a good flick.

[A]

All right. Ocean's 11, the 12, and the 13. It's interesting. 86 on the top critics.

[D]

Yeah. For the first one.

[A]

Yeah, was that now that was higher than Iron man?

[D]

No, it's 89.

[A]

Sorry. 86.

[D]

Virtual tie.

[A]

And then 63. So big dip. And then 60, which I'm confused by because I thought the last one at least. Everyone said they're back, but it sucked. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was a piece of shit.

[D]

63 feels too low for the second one. 60 feels too high for the third

[A]

one, but they're not great either way.

[D]

Iron Man 3. I'm sure you'll see it because Sonny have it on video.

[A]

Sonny and I watched the Avengers the other night, which was. Which was good. And it's. It's. They have a Hulk. I. He can't be defeated. I'm never sure. Like. Like I've always said, like, I'm not sure what the rules are. Like when the guy gets thrown down the Grand Canyon and lands on the bottom of the Grand Canyon. When he gets up, he has to get up, but he does it like, oh, she hurt. Part of your vertebrae dropping 2,000ft and landing on that fucking decomposed granite. You okay? Yeah. Just to clear the cobwebs. Like again, Superman flies, doesn't flap his arms, but when he lifts. When he lifts an island up, he has a strain to do it. I don't know.

[D]

When they shoot rockets at the Hulk, he catches them in midair, right? He cannot be defeated.

[A]

I could never do this math, which is. I always did this sort of human being bullet math, which is if you take a bullet, bullet's the size of your thumbnail, and that's a big slug. And then you take some scary guy like Mike Tyson and you realize you'll be tougher than Mike Tyson. If you have a 9 millimeter or.44, and you put one of those slugs in the right place, you're gonna stop Mike Tyson. So that's what it is. Even when I was a kid and I was watching like those Godzilla movies and stuff, and they're firing rockets at him. It's like it was annoying him, but in comparison, much bigger than the bullet you're dropping Mike Tyson with. You know what I mean? Like, why? Whether it was. Whether it was King Kong or whether anything that could bleed anything that had flesh, you're firing full blown rockets into the thing. Why is it not taking it down? Maybe I overthought it. All right, let's just get high and enjoy moving on. Outro. Hooray for bounty war. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Rock and roll legend lead a Ford in studio. We'll bring her in next. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla show. Subscribe on YouTube.com VPN to watch the show live each week and YouTube.com AdamCarola for the archive of past shows. All right, back in studio, Lita Ford is here. She brought along her guitar man, Mitch Perry. Mitch and I have been bonding over race cars. You wouldn't recognize it from the leather pants, but this man knows vintage race, so that's been nice. Lita, we'll talk to you in a second. But I thought let's just get set up and let's play ourselves a song. As long as you guys brought cars. Let's do it. Right on.

[I]

Let's do Kiss Me Deadly.

[A]

Let's do it.

[I]

You ready, Mitch?

[A]

I went to a party last Saturday night.

[I]

I didn't get laid, I got in

[A]

a fight

[I]

it ain't no big thing. Nope.

[A]

Late for my job and the traffic

[I]

was bad had to borrow 10 bucks from Mitch's old man it ain't no big thing.

[G]

Nope.

[A]

I went to a party last Saturday night I told you that story it'd be all right.

[I]

It ain't no big thing.

[A]

But I know what I like. I know I like dancing with you. And I know what you like. I know you like dancing with me

[I]

oh, yes.

[A]

Hey. Kiss me once, Kiss me twice. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me deadly. Had a few beers getting high sitting

[I]

watching the time go by it ain't no big thing.

[A]

Nothing to eat and no cheesy looking in the mirror don't get it for me, huh? It ain't no big plan But I know what I like. I know I like dancing with you, you. And I know what you like. I know you like dancing with me. Oh, yeah,

[C]

yeah.

[A]

Kiss me once, kiss me twice. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me gladly. Kiss me once, kiss me twice. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me deadly. All right, now we need some hand claps. All right,

[I]

keep doing that.

[E]

You know I love dancing with you.

[A]

Dancing with you. Kiss me once, kiss me twice. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me deadly. Kiss me once, kiss me twice. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me. You're my pretty, pretty baby kiss me. Come on, pretty baby, kiss me d All right.

[I]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[A]

Y. That's Lita Ford with a nice assist from Mitch Parents. It sounded great. Put your guitars down, your headphones on, and sidle up to that microphone, people. Let's talk living like a runaway. Available now on Amazon and itunes. And you know what to do if you're gonna go to Amazon you go through our website, you hit the Amazon banner. First record released in how many years, Lita?

[I]

Well, my first record was in 1970. 26.

[A]

Was that the Runaways?

[I]

That was the Runaways, yes.

[A]

Jesus Christ. You don't look that old. You're not that old.

[H]

I started young.

[A]

Thirteen. How creepy. And I saw. I think I saw. I saw the documentary, but maybe it was the Rodney on the Rock documentary. I was. Sit. Sit in your seat there, Lina. Get up on that microphone, if you would, please.

[I]

Saddle up.

[A]

How. How creepy was that manager, whatever guy? Who. Did you see that Ronnie on the Rock? Was it the mayor of Sunset Strip?

[D]

Mayor of the Sunset Strip?

[A]

Yeah. Mayor of Sunset. You ever see that, doc?

[I]

No. No, I haven't.

[D]

You never saw it?

[I]

No.

[D]

It's a great documentary at Rodney Bingenheimer called the Mayor of the Sunset Strip.

[I]

Oh, wow.

[D]

It's a great documentary.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

I had no clue.

[A]

Oh, really?

[I]

I had no clue. I honestly have been on a deserted island, I guess, so, almost a decade. And it might have come out during

[G]

that time, I believe, or like a

[I]

metaphorical literally deserted island. I've had no tv, nothing to eat and no tv. No, literally, I lived in the Turks and Caicos Islands on North Caicos, which has population 1500 people. There's no television. You have to have a satellite if you want to watch TV or use the Internet.

[A]

What place is this with no tv?

[G]

Were you being punished? What's going on?

[I]

Yes, I was being punished.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

And yes, it was like a prison. And you got to listen to living like a runaway because it tells a story.

[A]

But you, you chose to live there, right?

[I]

No. No.

[A]

You're avoiding the tax man.

[G]

No, you were grounded.

[A]

Bad relationship.

[I]

I was married is what it was.

[A]

You got kiss deadly.

[I]

I did, right? I did, yes.

[A]

Bad relationship.

[I]

Back from the dead now.

[A]

So how many years there?

[I]

Almost a decade.

[G]

So much TV to catch up on. You have no idea.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[I]

I never watched tv. I watched kids movies. I watched. I've loved Finding Nemo, Jungle Book and, you know, all that stuff.

[A]

Finding Nemo reminded you of your yard?

[I]

Yeah, completely.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[I]

Well, we have. The second largest reef in the world is wrapped around the Turks and Caicos Island.

[A]

Everyone wants to hear about the second largest. We have a Great Barrier Reef, and then we have a not so great one around Caicos over there.

[D]

Then there's the rest.

[A]

Then there's the rest.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Who came in second? The Kentucky Derby?

[D]

No one knows. That's the point.

[A]

That's the point. All right, enough reef Talk.

[I]

Enough Rodney Biggenheimer talk.

[A]

But I believe the Runaways were discussed. And if not, it was the super.

[G]

You're talking about Kim Fowler?

[A]

Is it this? Is that the super? Is that the creepiest man to ever live?

[I]

No, Kim Fowley.

[D]

He's in the documentary.

[I]

He's the weirdest. One of the weirdest.

[A]

I don't have a big chasm between creepy and weird. Oh. When it comes to guys and their

[I]

sexuality, eccentric would be the word for. For Kim. He's. He's just eccentric. He was our manager in the Runaways.

[A]

Yeah. I had him in a little more of those shaded with creepy, though.

[I]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

At least. At least as he came across in this particular.

[D]

That's a movie to catch up on. That's really, really good movie.

[E]

I will.

[I]

I absolutely will.

[A]

Yeah. So there must have been some crazy Times. Like Sunset Strip, 70s, later 70s, early 80s. What the hell was going on? It was awesome.

[I]

It was awesome.

[A]

Where did you grow up?

[I]

I grew up all over the world, really. I was born in London and we made our way through the US and we ended up in California.

[A]

And what age were you when you moved out here?

[I]

Oh, God, I was in second grade.

[A]

Where'd you live?

[I]

Long Beach. And we went to. I went to school in Long beach and I commuted back and forth to Hollywood to go to rehearsal after we got out of school. This was in junior high. I met the girls, and then in high school, we joined the band. And I would go to high school, finish my day at high school, and I'd get in the car and I'd drive down to Huntington beach, pick up the drummer, and drive to Hollywood to rehearse with a rock band.

[A]

Right.

[I]

And then drive her back to Huntington beach, drop her off, drive back to Long beach and get up the next morning and go to high school in

[A]

a car with no airbags. Every. Every. Everybody. All these stories. I know when you start retelling these stories, I always just think about, like, oh, yeah, we'd go to Tijuana for the weekend and sleep on the beach and get a bottle and all that kind of stuff. We were 17. And you think, oh, my God, if my kid ever tries half of this shit, I'll fucking kill my dad.

[G]

And no one had phones then, so if you got into trouble, you had to find one.

[A]

We didn't have AAA cards or credit cards or any. Anything. Yeah. To find a phone, 747. So what. So what did your parents think of this? What was their situation?

[I]

They were really supportive. I think my parents Were maybe out of all the girls, they were probably the most supportive parents out of the group. Although our bass player's mom had to go with us on tour at first because we were too young to play in certain venues. We needed adult supervision. So we brought the bass player's mom, who's Jackie Fox.

[A]

So you're like 17 years of age or under 18, in other words?

[I]

Yes, I was the oldest and I was 17.

[A]

Wow. And so you guys were out touring at that point?

[I]

We toured. Our very first tour was three months on the road with the Ramones.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

And my father went to school and got my high school diploma. Because I was on tour, I couldn't go get it. So he went to Long Beach Poly High School and picked up my diploma for me while I was out on tour with the Ramones. It was pretty wild.

[A]

Long Beach Poly. The Jackrabbits.

[I]

No, I don't know what they were, but they were pretty brutal. High school.

[A]

I gotta find out what the name of that team was. I don't know why. All right, so first, when you said your dad went to high school for you, I thought he was like taking. Taking tests and turning homework so it would be very supportive. What a supportive dad. And what a dumb high school. Nothing like that 15 year old with the blonde hair at all.

[D]

Ms. Ford, do you have a question?

[A]

Yeah, let's do it. Don't focus on the male pattern baldness. Focus on the paperwork and the penmanship. What does your dad do?

[I]

My father was in real estate. He passed away in 1988, but he was in real estate.

[A]

And Mama did what?

[I]

She worked at the Long Beach Medical center in downtown Long beach. And she worked with all the doctors.

[A]

Would you like to know the name of your high school football team? Yeah, the Jackrabbits.

[I]

Was it really?

[A]

This is very sad.

[G]

She was on tour.

[I]

It wasn't the Jack Offs.

[A]

Very sad that I have to tell you the name of your high school,

[I]

but I was not. I gotta tell you something.

[A]

I wasn't there either, sweetie.

[I]

I went to Lakewood High School first, and I didn't like football. And a lot of the football players went to Lakewood High School. And I went home and I told my mother and father that I can't go to this high school because it's all football players and cheerleaders and I need rock and roll. So I used to get in the bus and take the bus from Lakewood to downtown Long beach to Poly High School so I could go to high school with my buddies that played in

[A]

the rock band Lakewood, home of the Matadors.

[G]

But anyway, that's nice to your parents. Like I feel like a lot of us, if we had said to our parents we need rock and roll, they wouldn't have let us go to a different high school.

[A]

Yeah, my parents would have been, look, as far as you can walk, feel free to attend the school on Neptune. If you can walk there, you're going to high school.

[D]

You're enrolled in school.

[A]

Wow. We did not know that. Now we need to know the Lakewood High School.

[I]

Were you athletic?

[A]

I actually played football. I don't like to talk about it.

[D]

Shut this one.

[A]

Yeah, come on. You got me out of my shelf. All Central Valley first team. We wouldn't have gotten along because I needed to not rock. I needed to play football.

[I]

Oh yeah, we would have probably beat each other.

[A]

So I picked a horrible sport to make myself good at. And then I got like scholarships to crappy schools. But I was too stupid to fill out the paperwork and stuff. So I never took the SATs or anything. It's a very sad non rock and roll story. I was not touring when I was young. I was touring kitchens, cleaning the carpets. Oh, the Lancers. Sorry, that's the name of quit team.

[D]

Touring other friends pantries.

[A]

So why out of the Runaways so so early?

[I]

Well, I got a phone call from Kim Fowley.

[A]

That's a creepy guy.

[G]

Well, that's. He's weird and eccentric.

[I]

Weird and eccentric? Yes. The creepy guy.

[G]

He.

[A]

Well, we're an eccentric meets. I want to have sex with people under 18. Makes you creepy, right?

[I]

Depended on what suit he had on.

[A]

Right.

[G]

The.

[I]

The weird and eccentric was the purple suit with the plaid. Colored shirt underneath. Striped. Sorry. Striped shirt. And then the. The creepy guy was the brown suit. When the brown suit came out, you knew that something. Something was up.

[A]

Yeah. And when something came out of the. The brown suit, it was time to lock it.

[I]

That I never saw.

[A]

That's good.

[D]

Extra creepy birthday suit.

[A]

Yeah. The creepiest suit of all.

[I]

Didn't go there with Kim.

[A]

But everyone else did.

[I]

Yeah, no, I never did. But Kim taught us a lot. You know, he taught us a lot about choreography and you know, how to front a band and be in a band. And I don't think I would have been doing what I'm doing if it wasn't for Kim.

[A]

Well. Well, if you like him, do not watch that documentary, okay? He comes across as, you know, not, I would say Hitler esque, but in top, you know, definitely one of the guys who helped Architect Help. You know that effort, Goebbeli. Yeah. Is it Goebbels?

[G]

Oh, yeah.

[I]

I'm gonna be Hitler, though. You're right.

[G]

Like Goebbels esque.

[A]

Yeah, Goebbels esque. Goebbel esque.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

Sounds cuter that way.

[I]

He's a Hitler type.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know what he's still doing alive, but he's still alive. He's still doing whatever he's doing. And then the Rodney thing is just unbelievable because I used to work at Kroc, so I'd get a nice. I'd see Rodney to see him when he'd come in on a Sunday nights. But it was incredible time. I mean, these guys were Belinda Carlisle and, you know, everyone was banging on the back door of the old Kroc, sliding the tapes under the door, trying to get a little airplay. I mean, how did it work for the Runaways? How were you guys discovered, so to speak?

[I]

Mercury Records. Denny Rosenkrantz from Mercury Records was one of the gentlemen that discovered the Runaways, along with Kim Fowley. And Kim took us to Mercury Records, which later became bmg, rca. They went through all these different titles.

[A]

Was it just a Wild west back then? And, like, who. What are some of the bands you saw who were coming up? You must have seen a million bands on the way up.

[E]

Well, we.

[I]

We grew up. The Runaways grew up with the punks, the Sex Pistols, Blondie, the Ramones.

[A]

The hell was it like opening for the Ramones when you were 16 or 17?

[I]

Sanity. It was absolute insanity. The Ramones used to have chicken wire up in front of the stage because the audience used to throw handfuls of change at them, so they would have chicken wire up to block stuff flying in their direction. The Runaways only got condoms filled with weird stuff like noodles or men's underwear.

[G]

How do you even get the noodles in the. Oh, no.

[I]

I guess you could.

[A]

Yeah, condoms. But all better than what's supposed to be in condoms, if you think about it.

[I]

Yeah, well, you never know what was in there with those noodles.

[A]

I was doing a weird pasta sauce bottom ramen. I was out on stage at RFK Stadium and the fucking guy was standing next to you, asked for money. Like, he did that, you know, in front of 55,000 people. Like, hey, man, I'm not getting paid enough. Then all of a sudden, we were getting pelted with nickels and quarters. That hurts. I was on stage when someone threw one of those, like, mini Jagermeister bottles. Like, people don't Realize you can be 28 rows back and just chuck that little booze bottle and by the time it get. It's at lethal velocity by the time it goes past your forehead up on stage. Many a person has been taken out by shit. Toss at them up on stage.

[I]

My ex boyfriend, I gotta tell you, got hit with a frozen rump roast and he got knocked out.

[A]

Wow. My dad went the same way.

[E]

How does

[A]

May rest in peace? It was a good roast.

[G]

Why did someone get a frozen rump roast into the concert?

[I]

Well, nowadays they go through your purse and they make sure you don't have a 12 gauge in there or anything like that.

[A]

Right.

[I]

But then you could bring just about anything into those shows.

[A]

Yeah, you could really do some damage with a roast. Although, who's the joke on? You know what I mean? Also, I remember going to like Perkins Palace. Remember that? Remember in Pasadena?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And seeing the Plasmatics and like we're in the front row in the mosh pit. It's not really a row, it's just a pit. And they're like gonna blow up a car. And they like blew up a car. Like we thought, oh, it's gotta be a joke. I'll never forget very vividly it twisted my sexuality and I've never been, never been. Right. The bass player from the Plasmatics wore like a tutu in fishnet stockings. Right.

[I]

Wendy O. Williams.

[A]

Wendy O. Williams was the lead singer.

[I]

She was right.

[A]

John Bouvard, bass player. Really? Yeah. Now see, most people couldn't answer that in this room. So he had. And it could have been lead guitar, but it was probably bass player. He had his foot up on the, you know, feedback amp there and another one was on the stage. He was playing the whole time. A 16 year old Adam Kroll was down in the pit, the stage about five feet off the ground. He started looking up. The guy's wearing a tutu with fishnet socks. He had one nut had popped out of the tutu and was just being pressed up against the fishnet stocking the entire time. That's all I was staring at this guy's one nut up. But almost like, like being trying to be extruded through this fishnet stocking.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

I've never been the same sexual.

[G]

Did you want to pull it through?

[A]

I just, I just remember that. I remember they took a chainsaw, sawed a guitar in half and then my buddy Ray got into a fight with a guy who grabbed the other half of the guitar and all that shit. But yeah, it was. There were heady Times.

[G]

We should ask Lita about your question that you feel like guitars are everywhere now.

[A]

I feel like guitars would be like, if I walked into someone's house when I was a kid and there was an electric guitar, that was a big fucking deal. Now I see him hanging everywhere. I see him being handed out. Every auction I do, something's being signed by Aerosmith and handed out. You go into a program director's office, they're leaning up against the wall like they. They're making. Is it just guitars just kind of handing them.

[G]

Is it a better company now, or are they just handing guitars out everywhere now?

[I]

Well, I think there's more everything these days.

[A]

Yes.

[I]

You know, more brands.

[A]

What's happening is, when we grew up, if you wanted a pinball machine, you had to go to an arcade. And if you wanted a popcorn machine, you had to go to a movie theater. And there's a whole bunch of stuff where it's just specialty stuff that you went to. Now you go to people's houses, and there's guitars leaning against popcorn machines pushed up against pinball machines. Love that guy. Yeah. All right. Should we do a little news?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, let's do that. You guys hang out and crack wise. Right on the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[I]

Allison.

[A]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it up with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[G]

So all sorts of news out of Cleveland. Three women who were missing for about a decade, who were thought dead have turned up. Amanda Barry is the one who broke free. She got a neighbor's attention, this guy, Charles Ramsey, who's now, like, all over the Internet. She got his attention, and he helped her get out of the house. She went to his house, and she called 911. And we have some audio of the 911 call.

[A]

All right. Wow. All right, let's hear that.

[F]

Help me.

[C]

I'm Amanda Barry.

[F]

You need police, fire, ambulance.

[A]

I need police. Okay, and what's going on there? I've been kidnapped, and I've been missing for 10 years. And I'm.

[C]

I'm here.

[F]

I'm free now. Okay, and what's your address?

[A]

2207 Seymour Avenue.

[F]

2207 Seymour.

[A]

Looks like you're calling me some 22, huh?

[F]

Looks like you're calling me from 2210. I can't hear you. It looks like you were calling me from 2210 Seymour. Okay. Stay there with those names.

[G]

And then it goes on. And she says, are you sending help now? And he's like, talk to the police when they get there. She's like, are you sending help now? And you need to come now before he gets back. Every question takes like four tries to nail down. But then they're like, who are you hiding from? And she says, his name. Ariel Castro. How old is he? 52. What's he wearing? I don't know. He's gone. What was he wearing when you last saw him? I don't know if she ever answers that question, but they were being held at the house of this guy, Ariel Castro, who was a school bus driver, played in a band, was pretty well known in the community. Everyone around him is very surprised. His son had written an article in a newspaper about the missing girls. Ten years.

[A]

His son.

[G]

Yeah. Was a reporter years before. Couldn't believe it was his father. This Ariel Castro went to vigils for the girls, helped look for them. Actually said, this is the one that is insane to me. Actually said to someone, like they were digging up a yard, trying to find the girls. Said to someone, oh, you're not, you know, they're not gonna find them there. You think he would?

[A]

That's what you call a tell in the abduction. But by the way, I would go to the vigil too, because. Because first off, the arsonist wants to watch the fire. And then number two, when you're holding the candle that's shoved through the paper plate, there's a lot of, well, I wonder who could have done this. Certainly none of us who cares so much to show up in the vigil. Yes. And there couldn't be anybody here. We need to go look for the person. We need to look for them. They're certainly not in this group.

[G]

He was in touch with the victims fathers. So Amanda Berry, you know, gets loose and says there's more women there. There were two other women that he was holding. There was a six year old girl. Ariel Castro said, that's my girlfriend's kid, but it's probably the kid of him. Amanda Castro. Sorry, Amanda Barry and his daughter.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

And now people are wondering what the hell was going on with the cops because neighbors had seen women on leashes in the backyard. Told the cops, the cops didn't take it seriously. The cops had visited the house a couple times, but never went in. But people saw and heard all sorts of weird stuff.

[A]

All right, going on. I've said this 250,000 times, right? In the movies, cops do shit in real life, they sit around, wait for the phone to ring, Right? They're all fat and wait for the phone to ring. There's nothing that goes on. And by the way, certainly not in Cleveland. Here's what real cop movies should be called. Ample time for backup.

[D]

Nothing but time for backup.

[A]

We have a fortnight for backup.

[D]

Time to spare for backup.

[A]

We will send in the fucking dogs, we'll send in the robot, and then we'll send in a. A robotic dog before we go in.

[I]

Right on.

[A]

There's no way I'm getting my fat ass shot. Or better yet, we'll just shoot up a tundra with Mexican women napping in it. So that's what cops normally do. They're all heroes.

[I]

Knock on the front door, knock on the back door, go around, see what's back there.

[G]

Or take it seriously when someone says they see women on leashes. It's three brothers who were arrested now.

[A]

Yeah, well, here's the problem you mentioned. Freaky.

[G]

Really freaky.

[A]

Here's here, we have a problem. Everyone's a fucking nut job. Everyone's a freak show. And we can't judge. So it used to be we had a society where if you saw a guy walking down the street and he wasn't wearing a tie. Like, if you saw a guy get on an airplane and he wasn't wearing a tie, you're like, what's wrong with that gentleman? Someone needs to investigate him. Now everyone's just letting the freak fly flag fly and there's no more fucking judgment going on. Because. Because you see the guy in the crazy van, you see the guy pumping the crazy music. You see the guy who's wearing the one flip flop and walking in a circle on his front lawn, and it's like, none of your business anymore. He's just doing his own thing. Everyone's just kind of doing their own thing. So in a circus filled with freaks, who can tell who the bearded woman is and the fat guy?

[I]

You can't.

[A]

You can't anymore. It's a total freak show. Like, everyone looks like a fucking. And every guy's covered with. Every guy looks like a gang banger now.

[I]

And they're probably the nicest guys on the block.

[A]

Well, I'm just saying, like, there used to be a thing where you'd go, look at that guy with the fucking goatee and the tattoos and wearing a wife beater and a sweatpants. I keep my eye on that guy now. That's everyone.

[G]

Well, okay, so we have video of Charles Ramsey, who's The neighbor who helped Amanda Barry and from whose house she called. And this is. It's really long. This is. This is the end of it. But he's talking about how this has gone viral. He's talking about how he, like, he actually says he's like it. You know, this guy had giant testicles.

[A]

That's like.

[G]

I think a quote testicle is a quote. To be able to pull this off

[A]

in plain sight or be incredibly insane.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like flying an airplane into a building as giant testicles mixed with fucking nuts. You know, there's a lot of. Let's not forget about the nuts part, right?

[G]

All right, so let's play this video

[A]

because how he is is. He just comes out to his backyard, plays with the dogs, tinker with his cars and motorcycles, goes back in the house. So he's somebody you look and you look away because he's not doing nothing but the average stuff. You see what I'm saying? Nothing exciting about him. Well, until today. What was the reaction on the girls faces? I can't imagine.

[D]

To see the sunlight, to be around.

[A]

I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms. Something is wrong here. Dead giveaway. Dead giveaway, Charles. Thank you very much. Giveaway. Thank you very much. Oh, she got problems. That's the only reason why she run to a Black man. Yeah. 2013, Charles Ramsey, neighbor. Here's why I would make the world's worst journalist. Because. Because I'd be the guy on the street going, so what time she run into your arms? High noon. High noon? Jesus Christ, it's a Monday.

[I]

Unbelievable.

[A]

You weren't at work, huh? No, no, no, no, no. You work at night? No, no, no, no. What do you do? I immediately turn it to him. I smell malt liquor. By the way. Has anyone been drinking? Because I'm not fucking drinking. What are you doing at home? All right, let's move past the hero side. Let's focus on you. What's going on with the crazy Al Sharpton here? What's going on here? What's going on with the work? I want to investigate this guy now. I want to know what's up with him. I don't know why he's home. You know what? Some young girl could run into my yard during the day, I wouldn't fucking be there. I'd be paying my taxes. I want him looked into.

[G]

You're like a distant cousin of Huell Hauser. Because it's like. But these three women were being Held as sex slaves and they got free and this guy helped them.

[A]

So it was 10 years of them trying to get out of there.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

I mean, I don't know how it hasn't so much has not come out yet. It's not clear how much they were trying to get free, but there was pounding at the windows. I mean they obviously took the opportunity to get out when they could.

[A]

Like I say, the more I've been complaining I'm the tip of the spear of cops aren't heroes. I mean some of them are, but the majority of them don't do a bunch of great police work. And now every one of these stories that seems to come out, isn't it just somebody called somebody or somebody broke free or something or the cops had shot the wrong person or the cop. I mean, do we have whatever the

[D]

result of 10 years of investigative work, you're saying.

[A]

I'm saying the guy who they found in Boston, the neighbors found the guy or the guy with the boat found the guy. The one guy got away even though they were all shooting it out in the street. Just the dormer thing. Somebody he abducted, dropped a dime. Isn't everything just sort of boiled down Isn't all the police work is somebody made a phone call.

[G]

Does seem that way, yes.

[A]

I mean not to chicken shit tickets. They're fucking Johnny on the spot with that paperwork.

[G]

What's interesting to me, so many things are interesting to me and upsetting about this but she obviously knew that people had been looking for her. Like it seems like she's been paying attention to the news or knows that she's in the news.

[A]

I don't feel like they know what to do with this guy in prison. Like you know, like three of them.

[G]

It's this guy and it's his two brothers as well.

[A]

Right. But it's still. They're not sure if the brothers are in.

[G]

They arrested them. I don't think anything is clear.

[A]

Alright, so I'm just saying like for in the joint and we go, look, there's some guys coming in as pedophile new fish. Yeah, right. We gotta fuck that guy with them.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Make short work of him. That guy killed a cop. So I'm going to get him pack of cigarettes. Sure, sure. Yeah.

[D]

That guy, okay.

[A]

This guy abducted three chicks and then he had babies with him and kept them locked up in their basement. Played ranchero music real loud.

[D]

Well that's kind of the soundtrack to our lives right now.

[A]

Yeah, he drove a school bus. No one found out about this for

[D]

10 years to do good things in those 10 years. I mean, he was a pillar of the community.

[A]

I just don't know if we should fuck him or beat him up or, like, what?

[D]

I said we do both and then sort it out later. Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Let's go.

[A]

All right, let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, like, in the yard, what do you do with this guy? Fucking hero in the yard. Like, how'd you fucking pull this shit off for 10 years?

[G]

I know.

[A]

Or do we kick your ass with the rest of the pedophiles? Or, like. I'm not sure. Then there's got to be some, like, Stockholm syndrome or something, right? I mean. Yeah.

[G]

I mean, you would assume that in those 10 years, had to have a shower.

[A]

There'd be literally a window of opportunity to scurry out. The guy had to drive a school bus.

[G]

And yet it seems like this is her first chance to get out.

[D]

You know, it seemed like in the tape, she was pretty darn excited to be.

[G]

The windows only had a tiny bit of a tiny opening. He had boarded everything up. And I mean, like, this Charles Ramsey had to help her break the screen free.

[A]

You know what I want? I'm. When I'm in charge and we have trouble sniffing dogs, and I'm gonna send them once a year around everyone's house, like the Census Bureau, and they're just gonna go, it's the entry hall. The dog's just gonna, like. They smell trouble. We're coming back, like in Minority Report.

[D]

Those little spiders that just went around and just surveyed the scene.

[A]

That's all we need. God, this is a weird story.

[G]

You have to train them, though, to know what's real trouble versus what's not. Cause I feel like they come to my house, was a problem. I can't get this thing to print.

[A]

Right. Yeah, no, definitely. We definitely work on it. So this will unfold and there'll be more. And it'll get weirder.

[G]

More bizarre setting.

[I]

And then there'll be Silence of the Lambs.

[A]

Yes, there'll be something. There'll be something in the story that pisses me off. Like, the ACLU will get involved because they'll want partial custody of the child for him in prison or something. Weird. There'll be some component of this that's going to make me want to. To fucking freak out at some point. Of course, there'll be one component where there'll be, like, children's father's advocacy groups going down and protesting, saying that he should have visiting rights with the son or the daughter they sired.

[G]

The fact that people had called the cops to say what was going on there and that the cops didn't do anything, that's not pissing you off.

[A]

You know how. First off, the only thing I'm convinced that the cops are good at is taking money from people. I don't think they're good at anything else.

[I]

Parking tickets.

[A]

Just tickets. Just fucking tickets. That's what. There's one thing they're really super good at, field sobriety. That's the sobriety test and speeding tickets and all that kind of stuff. All the law enforcement part, the part where they serve us to protect and serve, like all that part. I don't feel like they're doing a great job with that. I feel like everything's unsolved until somebody makes a phone call or somebody brags to their cellmate, you know, those murders from 18 years ago, they never cleared their was me. And then the cellmate drops a dime on everything. Is somebody dropping a dime on somebody else? And by the way, you should drop a dime on our good friends over at National Academy of Sports Medicine. Smooth, Ace, man. Yeah. Stop wasting your time with schooling. Lita figured that out. She had to yearn to rock and roll and rock she did. That's right. But you go to all this school and you waste all that time and you, you learn about natural history or French Renaissance or some kind of like that. It's a waste.

[I]

It is.

[A]

It's a waste. Go to the National Academy of Sports Medicine. They'll guarantee you get a job within 90 days. You be a personal trainer, you get certified or you get your money back. The fitness industry is booming. There's a huge demand for certified personal trainers. You can earn a ton of money. You set your own hours, you get paid to stay in shape. I like that. And they got a free 14 day sneak peek. Go to usatrainer.com it's fun, easy. Do it online. That's usatrainer.com all right, one more story.

[G]

Well related. Elizabeth Smart, who have been at abductor for years, spoke out today and she said, Denver, Utah.

[A]

Where was that? Colorado somewhere that the guy came to the house. Handyman. I gotta say, there's no dicier gig than handyman. If there's anyone you don't want in your house, it's a handyman. Ironically, everybody who comes in your house, the guys who install the alarms, the handyman, the plumber, the guy snakes out the drains, all fucking. They'll have rap sheets as long as your Arm. They're all the worst people on the planet. I've worked with all these people so

[G]

good that we allow them into our homes, no questions asked.

[A]

I would say the average guy who installs alarms has a greater criminal history than the average guy, than the average school teacher or garbage man, number one. And the more work that they do in your house, the greater their criminal history. I swear to you, it's true. They cannot be trusted. So this guy's like a handyman. And he abducted.

[G]

Yeah, she was abducted in Utah.

[A]

Yeah. And then he just made, like, a man in the wilderness shack, and they just lived in it.

[I]

But these people that do these kind of things are intelligent. They know what they're doing.

[A]

Yeah, they definitely can evade the law. I mean, they're sort of Ted Kaczynski kind of.

[I]

They put on a fake appearance.

[A]

Right. So what about her?

[G]

So she said that her abstinence education growing up is part of what kept her, like, loyal to him, basically, part of what allowed this all to happen. She talked about her upbringing in a Mormon home and her sex education at the hands of a school teacher who emphasized abstinence only. And he compared premarital sex to chewing gum. And this is her talking. This is a quote. I thought, oh, my gosh, I'm that chewed up piece of gum. Nobody re chews a piece of gum. You throw it away. And she. Her own rape made her feel so dirty and so filthy. She thought that she didn't have value.

[A]

So because of her training, she thought that even if the first guy you're with is the guy you have to stay with.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Even if that first guy's just a crazed rapist.

[I]

Yeah.

[G]

She felt she didn't have any value anymore because he had chewed her gum.

[A]

That's why. And by the way, I fucking wish they throw. Throw it away. They throw it away in Tokyo. In la, they're throwing on the fucking ass. And then I step into it and my Adidas and they fucking sit outside and get rained on. I wish people threw gum away. I have to correct her on that. That's Utah. They throw human beings there. They throw away.

[G]

Worse though, is when is the 12 punch of gum and then something disgusting stuck into the gum on your shoe.

[A]

To me, it's the hot day. I swear to God. I was complaining about this. I told you. I had a moment where I was eating at a restaurant, at a diner. I walked out to the car. There was like sort of parking attendant guy. He wasn't a valet guy. He was just kind of traffic copying guy. And he said, I think someone tapped your car. And I said, it doesn't look too bad. He said, I think there's a note on the windshield. And I went, oh, okay, what do we have here? And sure enough, note on the windshield. And it said, here's my name. I hit your car when I was backing out. Here's my. My driver's license number and my insurance stuff. Here's my cell phone. Call me. Let's discuss repairing your car. And I just went, my God, there's a shred of dignity and humanity left in this universe. I took a half a step backward and I stepped into fucking gum. And it was 95 degrees on the blacktop. So as soon as I stepped on it, and I'm talking about the old school run DMC Adidas with the super busy traction on the bottom, lifted the foot up, had the long bridge of the fucking Juicy Fruit. And I could smell it. It was spearmint. You know, when it's activated, you're smelling someone else.

[G]

That's the worst. That's the most offensive.

[A]

The worst part is this is three months ago. They've been sitting outside my house recently getting rained on. I don't know what to do with them. I literally have to hire somebody to get a dental instrument to get the fucking shit out of there. I don't know what to do with it. Yeah, it's. It's. It's. It's a fucking. It's worse than the Valdez, whatever that was. This pales in comparison. It. It's a super fun project. It really is. I. I don't know how to get this shit out. I won't bring them in the house. I won't take the hour it's gonna take to clean out this person spit from my fucking tread. So it just sits in a weird no man's land, which is just in front of my front door. Getting rainbow on.

[G]

How long see have. How have you been living without them? I say just take it all the way and get rid of them.

[A]

Just chuck them.

[I]

I feel like you're never going to wear them again.

[C]

Goodwill.

[A]

But then they win. Then they win.

[G]

Oh, you're right.

[A]

But they're. But they're. They're like brand new.

[D]

No, you got to scrape it out.

[A]

Then I have to scrape it out. But then they win again.

[D]

I know. They're good shoes, though.

[E]

They were.

[A]

Let's bring it home.

[I]

That's the news.

[G]

I'm Allison Rosenz. If it comes, you could choose gum,

[A]

stick them in the freezer, let it freeze and then just crack it off

[G]

with a screwdriver and buy a new freezer at that point.

[I]

All right.

[A]

No, no, I'm with you. I was going to liquid nitrogen route too.

[I]

Take it to your next rock concert and hit someone in the head with it.

[A]

Throw it at your ex husband.

[G]

Yeah, good idea.

[A]

I'll tell you who not to throw a frozen pot roast at mom.

[I]

Oh, Mother's day.

[A]

During Mother's day. Yeah, you wait till that pot roast is full of thawed before you chuck it at mom. You do not throw a frozen pot roast at mom. That's a weapon. Mother's day this Sunday. Let's get her some Sherry's berries. Starting at only $19.99, it's a 40% savings and you can double the berries for just 10 bucks more. Big plump, delicious scrum. Delicious strawberries rolled in the nuts and the dipped and the chocolate. Unbelievable. I can't talk anymore. I'm drooling. Order now. Offer expires soon. Go to Berris B e r r I-E-S.com Click on the microphone, top right hand corner and enter ACE. Get the special deal. Let them know you heard it here. Sherry's berries, everyone. Lita Ford, everyone. Living like a runaway. Available now on Amazon, Amazon and itunes.

[I]

Video for mother.

[A]

The video. So you can see that where the

[I]

song that you just. That we played just a few minutes ago, not Kiss me Deadly. But before that we played mother or you played mother and we did a video for mother. And it starts tomorrow. It's gonna post tomorrow on USA Today.

[A]

Mm. I got that right here.

[I]

At 8am on the west coast.

[A]

I'm going to set my alarm, but I'm going to be in a bad mood. Don't like getting up. All right, our boom. Where's our boom? Give me boom. Yeah, our boom ringtone is available. You just search the porcelain punisher for your iPhone. And me and Drew, first three shows available on itunes. If you want to check that out. Marc Maron up on stage with us at amount tonight. Yeah. And we'll be doing that show live. All right. And Costa Mesa at Baycrest liquor on the 16th, 6pm Little mangria tasting. Then we'll do a show at the Irvine Improv that night. And of course, Napa, California Shiners May 18th. I'll be doing a little tasting before the show, before the race and before everything else. So until next time, this is Adam Crolla from Lita4Ford. Mitch Perry, Allison Rosen. Thank you guys. And bald Brian saying mahalo. Why, why, why, why? All right, that's Adam Cole show 1073 with leader Ford, Dr. Bruce, Alison Rose and Brian Fisher. That does it for Ace world class.

[B]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for

[A]

an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

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