Bill Burr + Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – "Bill Burr + Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)"

Episode Information:

• Title: Bill Burr + Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)
• Release Date: December 27, 2024
• Host: Adam Carolla (featuring Bill Burr, Tracy Metro, Joe DeRosa, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop)
• Description: This episode revisits classic moments from "The Adam Carolla Show," featuring heartfelt discussions, candid takes on controversial topics, and the hilariously irreverent ACE Awards segment.

---

1. Introduction to Cruel Classics

At the beginning of the episode, Bill Burr introduces the segment "Cruel Classics," highlighting memorable clips from the past 15 years of "The Adam Carolla Show." He briefly mentions the companion podcast available on Adam Carolla's Substack, setting the stage for a nostalgic yet humorous dive into classic moments.

Notable Quote:

• Bill Burr [00:46]: "Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni."

2. Remembering Greg Giraldo

Bill Burr and Joe DeRosa share poignant memories of the late comedian Greg Giraldo, discussing his talent, struggles with addiction, and the impact of his untimely death.

Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [03:14]: "Greg was a really funny guy and an interesting guy."
• Joe DeRosa [04:05]: "He grew up in New York when it was New York was New York... He got a law degree. He's really accomplished, smart, interesting guy."

3. The Reality of Drug Addiction

The conversation shifts to the unpredictable nature of addiction, comparing different individuals' experiences and emphasizing that no amount of talent or intelligence can shield one from substance abuse issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [07:04]: "You could tell my kid, look, you can fuck around with drugs, but... you don't fucking know."
• Joe DeRosa [08:16]: "Seeing somebody, you know, as talented as Greg... lose to it is just really shows you."

4. Upcoming Shows and Performances

Bill Burr discusses his upcoming performance at "The Egg" in Albany, interacting with Joe DeRosa and teasing about the opening acts and logistics of the show.

Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [01:39]: "Bill is going to be playing tomorrow night at the Egg in Albany."
• Joe DeRosa [02:03]: "I just had a special come out, so..."

5. Introduction to ACE Awards

The episode transitions into the ACE Awards, a satirical award ceremony created by the hosts to honor humorous and unconventional categories related to the show's content.

Notable Quote:

• Bill Burr [58:31]: "And that winner is Adam and Brian for White House Pissing Off White People. Well deserved."

6. ACE Awards Categories and Winners

Throughout the awards segment, Bill Burr, Gina Grad, Tracy Metro, Joe DeRosa, and Brian Bishop introduce and humorously critique various categories such as "Rant of the Year," "Best Impression," and "Best Drop By a Guest." Each category features witty banter, playful jabs, and memorable moments that highlight the show's comedic essence.

Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [63:18]: "Neither necessary nor sufficient for economic success."
• Tracy Metro [25:34]: "The blog belongs to Donald Trump."
• Bill Burr [80:32]: "You're listening to the sound of me being shocked."

7. Listener Interactions and Calls

The hosts engage with listener calls, infusing personal anecdotes and on-the-spot humor. These interactions often lead to spontaneous comedic moments, further showcasing the hosts' chemistry and improvisational skills.

Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [135:56]: "The audiobook was great, but I need to see those in person."
• Brian Bishop [172:56]: "I brought the last one. That was the last thing that came out of my mouth before I hit line number two."

8. Closing Remarks and Final Awards

As the episode concludes, the hosts wrap up the ACE Awards, reflecting on the humorous categories and celebrating the unique moments that define "The Adam Carolla Show." The finale is marked by a blend of heartfelt thanks and irreverent humor, leaving listeners entertained and eagerly anticipating future episodes.

Notable Quote:

• Bill Burr [185:23]: "Until next time, mahalo and get it on."

---

Key Insights and Themes:

• The Unpredictability of Addiction: The hosts delve deep into the struggles of addiction, highlighting that it can affect anyone regardless of their talent or intelligence.
• Celebration of Comedic Moments: The ACE Awards serve as a tribute to the show's funniest and most memorable segments, emphasizing the importance of humor in discussing serious topics.
• Candid and Unfiltered Conversations: The show maintains its signature candidness, allowing hosts and guests to discuss controversial and personal topics with honesty and humor.
• Community Engagement: Through listener calls and interactions, the episode underscores the strong connection between the hosts and their audience, fostering a sense of community and shared experiences.

---

Conclusion:

This episode of "The Adam Carolla Show" masterfully balances humor with heartfelt discussions, paying homage to beloved figures like Greg Giraldo while celebrating the show's unique comedic spirit through the inventive ACE Awards. Bill Burr, alongside Gina Grad and Bryan Bishop, delivers an engaging and entertaining summary of classic moments, ensuring both long-time listeners and newcomers find something to enjoy.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

From the makers of Rice a Roni comes Macaroni, a creamy, delicious boxed Mac and cheese that's not just good, it's cheesy. Good macaroni will please even the pickiest eaters with two magnificent flavors that will melt your Creamy Cheddar and creamy white cheddar. If you love cheese, you'll love Macaroni by the makers of Rice a Roni. If you don't love cheese, well, that's just unbelievable. Try macaroni. It's cheesy. Good Mac a Roni. The San Francisco Treat.

[Bill Burr]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Kurla's substack. Make sure to check out adamcorla.substack.com Sign up to get access to ad free shows, lots of bonuses, including the new podcast feed it out currently featuring Jay Moore.

[Tracy Metro]

All right, let's get to the clips coming up first today we have Adam Carolla Show 418. Bill Burr, Tracy Metro, Brian Bishop, Adam Carolla.

[Bill Burr]

This one's from 2010. This is after they switched over to the radio show format.

[Tracy Metro]

Tracy Metro was a fill in for Teresa Strasser.

[Bill Burr]

She also tried out for the job.

[Tracy Metro]

Adam would always give her a hard time because she had a signature color.

[Bill Burr]

She also had really cool hair.

[Tracy Metro]

If you have loud shoes, signature color or hair that Adam finds fence over looks like his mom's hair, he's not into it.

[Bill Burr]

Bill, good to see you, my brother. Yeah, always a delight. Bill is going to be playing tomorrow night at the Egg in Albany and we're talking about the Egg. You formally just open for people at the Egg.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, big time acts at the Egg. And now finally I get to go there and see if see if I can sell more tickets than the guy who sweeps up the place. But I think they think the tickets are actually selling well. I just had a special come out, so.

[Bill Burr]

Sure. How many, how many people does the egg hold?

[Joe DeRosa]

I think like 8 or 900. And we're up. We're up to 700.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that's good.

[Joe DeRosa]

So I just got to push through the last 200.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you'll make it and walk up.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, that's right. Come out there with my Elvis scarf. Scarf on. My last joke. Wipe off the sweat, throw it in the crowd.

[Bill Burr]

How much time were you due with the Egg?

[Joe DeRosa]

Probably like an hour and 10.

[Bill Burr]

Mm.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And we have someone open for you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, Joe Derosa.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I don't know who that is.

[Joe DeRosa]

Joe Derosa. He's the teen idol of this next generation. Really, really good looking guy. Oh, oh, he isn't really missing shoulders. He's not even missing shoulders. You just know the meat in between your neck and your shoulder. He doesn't really have those collarbones. Whatever the collarbone meat is attached, attached to, he doesn't have it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, no traps.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, there you go. He's trapless. Yeah, he's got plenty of jokes. He's actually one of my best friends in this business, so I'm psyched to work with him.

[Bill Burr]

And now how does it work? You give him a little, little taste of the door.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm very, I'm generous.

[Bill Burr]

You are.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not one of those tight ones who makes you go down the street and stay at a Super 8. You stay in the same hotel with me, right? And then we booze it up afterwards. It's a good time.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Oh, speaking of comics and boozing up, Greg Geraldo passed away. That was gonna be one of Tracy's stories, I guess. Coming up, we, by the way, will replay our podcast with Greg, I believe for Monday is how we're gonna do that. Was he a friend of yours? Did you know him?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I've known him for like 15 years. I still. Yeah, I'm just kind of in the shocked state.

[Bill Burr]

He was a really. I didn't know him well. He did the podcast a few times. He kicked ass on those rows and was really just a really funny guy. And then an interesting guy wasn't. He was like mixed ethnicity and someone was a scientist or professor or something.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, he went to Harvard.

[Bill Burr]

He went to Harvard.

[Joe DeRosa]

He grew up in New York when it was New York was New York when it was like, oh, I think.

[Bill Burr]

His dad worked for the airlines or something. I'm just putting these, piecing these things together. But he went to Harvard. He got a law degree. He's really accomplished, smart, interesting guy. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And then became a comedian and was, you know, killing it. He was like, comics, comic. We all used to watch him. And if he had a special, we all watch his specials. And he was just a great guy. I still can't be honest with you. I can't believe it. And when I heard the news that he was in a coma, I was just like, all right, this is gonna be it. This is gonna be the thing that turns him around. And I, yeah, I like I said, just, you know, Cuz I live out here on the West Coast, I don't see him that much anymore. So I'm just kind of feeling like he's just on the road right now. Yeah, it's just, it's an awful, awful thing.

[Bill Burr]

It's. It's that sort of Mitch Hedberg thing. Like, Jesus, why do the, you know, you know these guys go.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's never the hex.

[Bill Burr]

I know they kill themselves too.

[Adam Carolla]

You just don't hear it. He was only. He was really young, 44 years old. And according to his representation, it was not a suicide attempt, but that he OD'd and his drug of choice was prescription drugs. And of course he's best known for Last Comic Standing where he's just so likable, good looking guy and how.

[Bill Burr]

But he was clean for a while, right? I mean, did he.

[Joe DeRosa]

I shouldn't really talk about. I know he struggled with it and he was, he's a great guy and was a great comedian. That's all I know. I don't know any of the details of it, but other than. It's just shocking, absolutely shocking.

[Bill Burr]

And it's so weird how people are wired and this is basically what, you know, what I'm going to tell my kid. I'm going to tell my kid, look, you can fuck around with drugs, but you may be a Fiat or you may be a Jeep, but you don't fucking know. I mean, you may be Len Bias or you may be my buddy Chris. My buddy Chris, you know, did an eight ball, heart stopped, had to get the whole, you know, Pulp Fiction adrenaline thing jammed into him. My buddy Chris is one of these guys, he's like, you know, he's half Hawaiian. He's, you know, should have been dead 30 different times with his.

[Joe DeRosa]

All those years with the kayak.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Up against the waves, paddling that wooden.

[Bill Burr]

Boat while the theme from Y5O played in the background. No, he's been run over. One of the few guys I know has been run over intentionally. Like somebody aimed their car at him and ran him over. He could have been dead 10 times, but he's just not. He's just one of those guys. And then there's like Len Bias, like, okay, signs a big contract or what's his name? Yeah, it. Signs a big contract by the Celtics, right? Yep. And goes, goes, goes out and does a little partying that night. And Bob, dead at 22 or 21 or whatever. I mean, whatever.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was the story without. That was the first time. But I don't think he, I'M not saying that contract and go like, yeah, I think I'll go free base.

[Bill Burr]

No, I'm not saying it was the first time.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I'm saying maybe it was the 25th time.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

But my buddy Chris, you could put two zeros on the 25 and you could add another couple pounds of coke and he's still fine. He's fine. And sometimes you take a bunch of prescription drugs and you do whatever, you know, you hear the rock and roll lifestyle and you hear about the Ozzy Osbourne stories and you hear about, you know, what Tommy Lee and all these guys did and the rest of the guys from Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx or whatever, it's like, they're fine. And then there's Len Bias or Greg Giraldo and Danny Bonitucci. Yeah, see, that's a shame. Toronto gone. But Bonaduce gonna be doing mornings in Philly tomorrow. The point is this. I'm really gonna tell my kid, like, hey, listen, man, you could do a fucking pillowcase of coke and be around tomorrow. Or you could do two lines and fucking. You're done going to cardiac arrest just.

[Joe DeRosa]

To tell him not to do it in general, because.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, but if I tell him that he might do it. That's my thing. And here's the thing. I've asked Drew about, Dr. Drew about this a million times. You don't know how someone's wired meaning, like, you know, Len Baez was a world class athlete.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, I have to tell you that, like, what little I knew about what was going on, like, I just. How I knew Greg, like, I didn't believe. I was surprised when I always heard he had a problem because he was never, I never really saw him out of it. He was such a bright guy and I can't believe I'm talking about him in the past tense, but it was just, it's still just a total shock. I mean, if any. I just, I don't know, man. It's. It's one of those that obviously can happen to anybody. I'm like one of those people, like, because I don't struggle with addiction, I was always confused by it. But just seeing somebody, you know, as talented as that guy, smart as that guy, lose to it is just really shows you. I don't know. They call it disease, whatever they call it, but it's.

[Bill Burr]

The pull of it is incredible. You know, sometimes when guys are really high IQ guys, they can get away with doing stuff. Like there's, there's guys that are, it's that sort of Lawrence Taylor syndrome, which is they're such great athletes and they're so good at what they do that they can go out whoring and drugging the night before the fucking super bowl and still get two and a half sacks on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, they know their limitations.

[Bill Burr]

Well, not only that, but they don't have, like, Greg, Geraldo, maybe. The guy's so bright. Maybe the guy's so funny. I've met him a few times. We had him in here. It never seemed like anything was going on with him versus when you'd see.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, it wasn't. Like, now that this happened, people gonna act like he was a guy who was always out of it, and he wasn't. He just. No, he just had a couple of periods, like a. Like, he'd go on a bad run and then he would be fine. And, like, when I left New York, he had a sponsor and everything, and he was sober and he looked great. And I didn't hear any stories about him missing gigs or anything. Anything. And it wasn't until, like, the last six months that I heard that maybe he was starting to get in rough shape again. But, you know, I just hope when people seeing this that they're not going to. That he's going to get defined. Like, he was this guy nodding off on corners. He wasn't. He was in clubs and absolutely destroying in all of his comics. We all watched him and have nothing but respect for him. That sucks about something.

[Bill Burr]

I never even heard that about him.

[Adam Carolla]

But he just. The way they found him is that he failed to appear at a gig, and then a friend went over and found him.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, he's supposed to be at the stress factory.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Anna Nicole Smith could not get away with doing drugs. That's what I'm saying. Like, you know, like, oh, my God, something's up with this purse. Maybe Geraldo, sadly, was sharp enough to do it, but again, I never saw it and I never heard it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like I said, it was just so people don't start painting the guy out. Like he was this dude on the corner.

[Bill Burr]

I don't think they're going. I don't think they're gonna. Because I never really. I'm naive.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

But I don't have a drug problem. I have a. I think he just.

[Joe DeRosa]

Had a couple of bad stretches, and this was the last one he had, and it ended up like this. But other than that, he was a total professional. And like I said, he's like one of the, you know, comedians. We don't laugh at anything but he's one of those guys. If I knew he was coming up and he was on stage, I would always watch him because it was just a list material. It wasn't hacky. He just was, you know, had his own voice and. Yeah. It just sucks.

[Bill Burr]

Sad. Yep. And again, Mitch Hedberg, like, as a matter of fact, you know what? I don't want to. Bill Burr. Not a fan. Because every time I announce, I normally just hate stand up comedians, but once I go, that guy's funny. Like, so did you hear what happened to Bill Burr? Yeah. So it's bad.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's what me, like with musicians, everybody. I. John Bonham. Yeah. Stevie Ray Vaughan. I was into it.

[Bill Burr]

Sure.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, yeah, But I, I think that was a good point that I don't think that the hacks when, when they die, I don't think anybody gives a shit. So nobody tweets about it or writes an article.

[Bill Burr]

That one guy from Milli Vanilla killed himself. I was always into the one guy.

[Tracy Metro]

Is that Robert Fab?

[Bill Burr]

I was in the. Rob I was on. Fab was a hack, but Rob, he.

[Joe DeRosa]

Was a dog, that guy.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

He shouldn't have killed himself. He just waited a little bit longer, he would have been fine. Because back in the day, when we were coming up, when you were finished in show business, you were finished. And now you can just do a show about being finished. You can just do a show about it. Look at me, I'm finished.

[Bill Burr]

Right, Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's why I think Kathy Griffin is a genius. She has her own TV show saying she's on a D list. It's like you have a hit television show, you're killing it.

[Bill Burr]

Right. It's a hit.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go. Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

It's insane. Yeah. I mean, look, look, you could either go see Dr. Drew or you could pack on £20 and do some sort of celebrity chub club, whatever it is. Or just get your own reality show where you attempt to get your career back. You know, we follow MC Hammer around, he sees if we can get a record contract. Yeah. Get a makeover. I mean, there's really, there's. There's so many fucking channels now, it's impossible.

[Joe DeRosa]

Adopt a bunch of kids.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Just sprinkle them around you and just shrug your shoulders like. That'll be the promo picture. What did I do? You remember this person from Eight is Enough.

[Tracy Metro]

This fall Saturdays, MC Hammer.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Now, was it Rob or Fab who took his own?

[Tracy Metro]

Who knows?

[Bill Burr]

Took his own life? It was Millie or Vanilli. Yeah. But, yeah, there's no reason to do that anymore. Not with Dr. Drew, that's for goddamn sure. All right, so, Bill, let's talk. Or talk about lighter subjects. Lighter, lighter subjects.

[Joe DeRosa]

If you're ready to elevate your driving experience, the first ever Kia K4 is worth a closer look. It combines style and performance with a sleek, futuristic Design featuring StarMap LED headlights and an available panoramic display for unforgettable looks. SiriusXM comes standard in every Kia K4, bringing you closer to what you. Plus, with an available 190 horsepower turbocharged engine, the Kia K4 delivers everything driving enthusiasts crave. Learn [e-mail] K4.

[Adam Carolla]

From the makers of Rice a Roni comes Macaroni, a creamy, delicious boxed Mac and cheese that's not just good, it's cheesy. Good macaroni will please even the pickiest eaters with two magnificent flavors that will melt your heart. Creamy cheddar and creamy white cheddar. If you love cheese, you'll love macaroni by the makers of Rice a Roni. If you don't love cheese, well, that's just unbelievable. Try macaroni. It's cheesy. Good Mac a Roni.

[Bill Burr]

The San Francisco treat. This whole. These miners that are trapped over there in Paraguay, boy, are they still down there. 37 souls two miles beneath the. No. Yeah, they're still down there. They're down there.

[Joe DeRosa]

School lunches down to them every day.

[Bill Burr]

They slide Hot Pockets and cigarettes down there and.

[Adam Carolla]

And they watched like soccer or something.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Now, see, I would have a sense humor. I. But believe, first off, my buddy Ray would definitely throw a rat down that thing for fun. Or they. He would. There's no doubt he'd be farting down that thing. Just hearing. I would be the guy coming down.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'd be the guy losing my shit, and people would have to shake my shoulders. For Christ's sake, get yourself together.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Joe DeRosa]

1950S backhands to my face. I would go nuts down there after a while. Like, let's just fucking dig ourselves out already.

[Bill Burr]

Raoul was, you know, the 1950s were a great time because you could backhand a woman and she would thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

You could backhand her and then have sex with her. That was considered calming her nerves.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Give her. And also there was a. Also, if whatever ailed you, you could get a shot of brandy. Like, you get a piece of rebar sticking out of your side and you'd be like, ah, impaled myself on this rebar. Hold on. Take a nip of this.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, this will Help your nerves, you know, if you watch old reruns of Mary Tyler Moore. Whenever Mary came in, freaking out, like at work, Lou Grant was like, mayor, relax, relax, have a drink. And he had a bottle of scotch and bottom of his desk drawer was totally considered.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it was fine.

[Joe DeRosa]

Two martini lunches.

[Bill Burr]

It was weird that people would. I mean, not only would gumshoes do it, but editors of newspapers or anyone who had a corner office, even, even cops, even commanding officers, they would open a desk drawer, it would be laying down in a shallow one. They just pull out. Come on, here we go. And they pour themselves a couple. You need a belt. You look like you use a belt.

[Adam Carolla]

You just make it warm.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. It wasn't on the rocks.

[Joe DeRosa]

Basically, anytime you had a tough decision to make because there was no self help books, you just took a belt and you just went with your gut.

[Bill Burr]

And it didn't matter what day it was or what time it was. Looks like you could use a pop. The other one, that'll never happen again. Which is. I used to love it when Darren would come home on any of those 60s, 50s or 60s shows. The guy would come home from work, he'd have a tough day at work. Mr. Tate's riding him like a mule.

[Joe DeRosa]

Tell me about that, grandpa.

[Bill Burr]

He need to have a couple. He'd need to make himself a highball, he'd need a cocktail. And he'd walk. And here's what. I loved this, by the way. I know this probably never happened in real life, but it still gets me pissed at my wife because there's no way she would do this. The guy'd walk right in the front door, he'd throw his briefcase down, he'd loosen his tie up, and then he'd walk right over to the bar. And the bar was sometimes the mobile one with the little wheels on it. Whatever. Walk right over the bar, pull the lid off the ice bucket. The ice bucket would be brimming with fresh ice. He'd take the tongs, he'd drop in a couple of things into a snifter. He'd pour himself some scotch and walk into the kitchen. Honey, I'm home and I'm done. Who the fuck is filling that thing? I've almost got divorced over who's gonna water the fucking pots at our house about 300 times. I can't imagine walking home, by the way. She doesn't know when he's coming home. He comes home at all times of the fucking day. Comes home late after a big business meeting.

[Joe DeRosa]

Doesn't Even say hello. It's immediately to the. I need a shot of this before I get home.

[Bill Burr]

And it's overflowing with ice. Not one of them is melted, just brand new. Like, every 15 minutes, she must empty the thing out, refill it on the off chance he's gonna come home and want a high ball.

[Joe DeRosa]

He was living the dream.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Joe DeRosa]

That just sounded like paradise to me. I'd love to have one of those bars now.

[Bill Burr]

I open that thing, it's. A moth comes out, it smells like mildew. There's no fresh ice.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't even have a bar. I just have, like, bottles of liquor on our breakfast table. That's all.

[Bill Burr]

I. I had a.

[Joe DeRosa]

They had the right glass.

[Bill Burr]

Eyeball glass.

[Joe DeRosa]

A martini glass.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, they'd get the right glass. I had the. I made something up. And it's one of those, you know, I made something up called Mangria the other day, where I just. And it's one of those. I don't want to turn into Jeff Foxworthy here, but why couldn't he be gone? And, you know, Greg still be around or Mitch still be around, but I made something called Mangria, and it's one of those. Here's how you know you're an alcoholic. I have a couple of pops at night before I go to bed, and I was. I was out of red wine, but I sort of walked back into the kitchen, and I had about two sips of red wine at the bottom of my glass, but no more red wine. But I was not done drinking. And I just walked into the. I walked into the pantry, grabbed a bottle of, you know, vodka, and just topped off my red wine thing with it. And it sort of looked good. Yeah, it served its purpose.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you cut it with anything besides.

[Bill Burr]

A little bit of red wine? I didn't even put ice in it. And I dubbed it Mangria, which now made it all of a sudden. If it's a drink, by the way, if you call, you know, lantern oil and nail polish, if you give it a name like a Happy Jack or something, then you can drink it. If it's just nail polish remover, you got your fucking Betty Ford or some.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sort of sex position, right? Girls are all, you know, right.

[Bill Burr]

Eating pussy on the couch or something.

[Joe DeRosa]

Cowboy pussy on the couch, something like that, I'll drink it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. So I just dumped my vodka in on top of my red wine. I walked back in the den, ended up finished watching SportsCenter work.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was a logical choice. When you said you were Going to cut it with another liquor. Liquor. I was immediately like, clear. You got to go clear with that.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, just. And it made. It made a sort of rose, like a high octane rose out of my red wine. And I was fine with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to think what I would have put in it. Maybe some brute, some fruit to like, really make it like, you know.

[Bill Burr]

But that's. That's the whole point. Like, I think the fruit, the umbrellas, the ice, that's all the foreplay. We just want to fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's.

[Bill Burr]

We just want to catch a buzz, you know, if we can eat pussy, we can drink Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

True.

[Tracy Metro]

I'd like to taste a good wine.

[Bill Burr]

No, I. And I don't. I don't know the taste of good wine, and I don't. I don't care.

[Joe DeRosa]

I know one good wine.

[Bill Burr]

Catch a buzz.

[Joe DeRosa]

I order every time. A Barolo. That's the only thing I will order. And then for half a second, the waiter raises his eyebrows and thinks that I know what I'm doing and then starts spewing out wine knowledge. And then I'm just like, yeah, I got nothing. I just knew.

[Bill Burr]

I just hear Cha Ching. Like. Like when. Whenever I just. I go, give me a Pinot Noir. That's all I ever. And they go, oh, we have something in from Spain that's like, oh, oh, we just had an import. Oh, there's something for the net. I go, just give me the house. Because I. Because the problem is you can't ask how much. They'll just tell you, oh, we have a delightful whatever selection. And they'll.

[Joe DeRosa]

Whatever year it is, you just divide by two.

[Adam Carolla]

That's usually on the menu when you, when you're with friends and you're ordering a bottle of wine, do you just screw? What's screw? On the left hand column. Do you just go immediately to the right for the cheapest thing?

[Bill Burr]

I just go, look, everyone just order up. Buy the glass or order your drink. And if I'm paying, I'm paying. But the. Buy the bottle pretending like, you know, seriously, you know, Fetzer is good enough for 7.99 over Trader Joe's. I can't tell the difference. I've never had.

[Joe DeRosa]

I've never had the balls to send the wine back. I do the whole thing. You spin it with your fingers, sniff it. You actually sent it back?

[Tracy Metro]

Just did it a couple weeks ago.

[Bill Burr]

Really?

[Tracy Metro]

The wine was bad?

[Bill Burr]

Had it gone bad? Or was it. Oh, okay.

[Tracy Metro]

I'm a wine snob. Sorry about.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, you are?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Tracy Metro]

So I got the wine, took a sip, like, this is not good. Send it back.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're educated with wine. You don't have to call yourself a snobby. Yeah, that's just all us beer drinking morons.

[Adam Carolla]

I like beer.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't like. I don't like red wine. Like, I make one glass of it, but it gives me a brutal hangover.

[Tracy Metro]

Really?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. And I hate. And I also equate it with really drunk girls. Like, after shows, they always come up and their teeth are sort of pink now, Right? They have that red wine.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're drinking the cheap shit you get, you can get more of a hangover than a heartier wine.

[Joe DeRosa]

I find even on the good stuff. Barolo, the one that I know, Step.

[Bill Burr]

Up to the Mangria.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, there you go. I would do that. Sit there and laugh at how stupid it is. Have a great guy moment. We shouldn't be doing this. Let's put on sports.

[Bill Burr]

Should we play a little Blah, blah blah, by the way. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

That was.

[Gina Grad]

The following is a presentation of Jeremiah Weed.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, there you go. Speaking of food, it's time for Blah.

[Gina Grad]

Blah blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their online rant. Let's play.

[Bill Burr]

All right. How many do we have, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

We have five blogs. We were thinking we'd play the first to three wins.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Gina Grad]

If anybody gets to three at the same time, we have a tiebreaker.

[Bill Burr]

Sure. Let's do it. All right.

[Gina Grad]

When married couples split up and one person makes more money than the other, often somebody ends up paying alimony, and it's usually the man. But legally, under state laws, both women and men are entitled to financial support if there's a large discrepancy in spousal income. In the past, not many men have had the need or the nerve to ask their wives for alimony. However, recently there's been a move toward gender equality. A lot more men are asking for alimony, or as some people call it, manimony. I say, if you're entitled to money, ask for it, Tom.

[Tracy Metro]

Like this.

[Bill Burr]

Mm.

[Gina Grad]

Is it Alec Baldwin, Pat Sajak, or Donald Trump?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. I was thinking Kevin Federline.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. All right. You guys are not gonna suck me in every time I get sucked in.

[Joe DeRosa]

With the obvious, right?

[Bill Burr]

No, I get sucked in with the wild card. I get sucked in with the. Every time I go, why is Pat Sajak saying this? Why would it be included in these group of two guys who might say this? Where does this guy factor in? And then I go, must be him. Because otherwise, why Would you throw him in? I get burned every time. Fuck Pat Sajak. Not going for him.

[Joe DeRosa]

Pat's a hard one. Because Pat is just a great punchline anyways.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Just to throw him in on something like this. Not disrespecting his game show.

[Bill Burr]

Trump sounds like kind of. Ah, Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Alec Baldwin.

[Bill Burr]

Going Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Baldwin. I had to jump in.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not going Baldwin. I'm not going Baldwin. Because he's already gotten trashed just for yelling at his kid like a normal parent.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

And so I don't think he needs any more heat like this. Just the look on Donald Trump's face. I think that. And he's paying. God knows he's paying a ton of money.

[Adam Carolla]

I really think he's coming up with the word manimony.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not saying he doesn't have writers. I'm gonna go with Donald Trump.

[Bill Burr]

All right, you're going Trump. I'm going fucking Baldwin.

[Tracy Metro]

Absolutely, Sajak.

[Bill Burr]

That's my guess.

[Tracy Metro]

That's my guess. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Because they're with me.

[Tracy Metro]

It's not written passionately enough for Baldwin or.

[Bill Burr]

I know Paul.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know, I think he's right because those two are really entrapment. Trump and Baldwin.

[Bill Burr]

Baldwin's a more passionate writer in this. All right, let's just do it. We've all made our.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Donald Trump. Bill Burr on the board.

[Bill Burr]

Bill Burr.

[Joe DeRosa]

I got nervous there for a second. I was like, he doesn't blog and.

[Adam Carolla]

He also doesn't write the word manimony.

[Joe DeRosa]

He doesn't. He wears loafers and acts like he's rich. I don't think that guy could really scrape together seven grand in cash. I think he's just leveraging.

[Bill Burr]

Can I say this too? When you know you're a fucking knob. When something that's mild, as mildly amusing as manimony, we can't attribute to you manimony. If Bill Burr came up with manimony, I'd be like, maybe if you're doing. If you're doing a 20 minute set, I wouldn't use it. If you got to do an hour and 20, then I could see you working it in in the middle of the set somewhere.

[Joe DeRosa]

But I would retire if I ever came up with something like that.

[Bill Burr]

Don't put it on a coffee mug. But you know your fucking knob. When you come to something, that would be a 4 or 5 in the clever department. We're all going. I don't think he could have thought of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

All right, here we Go. Bill Burr on the board.

[Joe DeRosa]

I think maybe he was just quoting it.

[Gina Grad]

You'd be hard pressed to find a movie closer to the hearts of 30 somethings than Goonies. A band of awkward, socially outcast kids set off to find a buried treasure, narrowly averting almost certain death and outrunning, among others, a popular high school jock named Troy. Back in 1985, when the under the. When the underdogs had their day and the final credits rolled and we called our parents for a ride home, we realized something fantastic. It's true. We weren't Troy. And thanks to the Goonies, we no longer wanted to be Troy. It was okay with us. Cut to present day. What happened to the better part of a generation that once walked out of their local theaters rooting for the Mikeys and the chunks and the datas of the world? They've turned into Troys. Troys who can't accept the differences in others and condemn the things they don't understand. Finger pointing. S talking Troys. Is it Kevin Smith, John Mayer, or Tori Spelling?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my.

[Bill Burr]

Now there is some weird over under on Goonies because everyone who's 42 plus doesn't give a fuck about Goonies. And everyone who's 30 to 42 swears it's like a rite of passage. Once in a while it pops on television. I watch eight minutes of it and go, what the fuck am I doing watching this horrible movie? Just because everyone who's the age of 37. I never loves fucking Goonies.

[Joe DeRosa]

I never liked any of that shit. I didn't get into Star wars even when I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was boring.

[Joe DeRosa]

I watched sports.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought it was so much I wasn't into.

[Bill Burr]

At same with like, Star Trek and all that stuff. Like, ugh, stuff's horrible, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Gave me a headache to pay attention. And like, you can't just zone out and watch that shit.

[Tracy Metro]

I named it. Yeah, I named it one of the five most overrated movies of all time.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, it's horrible.

[Joe DeRosa]

What's that?

[Bill Burr]

It's a piece of shit. Yes. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we all agree.

[Bill Burr]

All right, so this is the now Kevin Smith blowhard. Could be him. John Mayer, Blowy Hardy. Ah, boy, Spelling.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, two out of three of them are the right age group where they could actually be touched by it. I think Kevin Smith is too old, but he strikes me as the one.

[Bill Burr]

He's on the outer fringe of the.

[Joe DeRosa]

Goony thing, but he makes those sort of parallels between movies and worldviews. So I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go with him.

[Bill Burr]

You're gonna go with Kevin.

[Joe DeRosa]

Although that could be part of John Mayer's attempt at stand up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going John Mayer all the way.

[Bill Burr]

I like that.

[Joe DeRosa]

I like John Mayer John Mayer.

[Tracy Metro]

He's my age. And it's not clever enough for Kevin Smith.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not well written enough for him.

[Bill Burr]

Tory's too old, I think. Here's the whole thing. I don't think Tory could string together this sentence, but I think John Mayer would attempt to make it funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

True.

[Bill Burr]

And he tries to work jokes in to the thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's way too silly for this.

[Bill Burr]

I'll go Kevin Smith. All right, so what do we got? I got Smith Bill.

[Joe DeRosa]

I got Smith Smith Tracy.

[Adam Carolla]

I've got John Mayer.

[Bill Burr]

Mayor John Mayer. Two mayors.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to John Mayer John Mayer.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian and I are on the board.

[Bill Burr]

Why isn't that. I thought he tried to be funny or cute or something.

[Joe DeRosa]

I hate to admit it. He wasn't bad. Just for someone starting out, he wasn't bad.

[Bill Burr]

Who the. Right. This much about a shitty. All right, all right, all right.

[Gina Grad]

Ace, you're the only one not on the board.

[Adam Carolla]

Really self important.

[Bill Burr]

All right, here we go.

[Gina Grad]

Photos and models. I'm not looking for those typical for typical models. I want cool looking girls. I made these clothes for whack jobs and cool girls. So if you're in NYC or Billy Burg, next week should be a good time. Maybe two. Let me see you. I'll let you know. It'll be fun. Is it Gwen Stefani, Courtney Love or Kanye West?

[Bill Burr]

Wow. First off, they're all Gwen Stefani and Kanye west are the same person.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you see Courtney Love? Oh my gosh. That photo of her.

[Bill Burr]

Photos and models.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she get hit in the face?

[Bill Burr]

Something? There's some asymmetry going on there. That.

[Gina Grad]

That particular picture was half of Britney Spears.

[Bill Burr]

I was gonna say like Picasso must have hit her with an easel or something. Okay, good. All right. So it's not just okay. There she goes. All right, photos, models, ball. Bryan, what do you think?

[Tracy Metro]

Billy Burg must mean Williamsburg. It must be a local east coast thing. And neither of the girls are East Coasters, so I'm gonna say Kanye West.

[Bill Burr]

Wow. I like the way you're thinking. I'm gonna go with Kanye west too. Just because of that whole local Billy Burg thing is as well. But who knows? These chicks have traveled. Shit, these people have traveled all over the place a million and one times. I'm changing my vote to Gwen Stefani.

[Joe DeRosa]

That'S what I'm going with. Gwen Stefani, because she actually makes clothes. The other one is too hammered. And I don't know. I don't think Kanye west needs to tweet models at this point. I think they just show up at his house. So I'm going with her. I think it's. Yeah, she had that. That one album. She had the two Asian looking chicks in the funky clothes. That just sounds like the Heraku. Yeah, she's pushing 40, so she's saying Billy Berg to try to remain cool.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Tracy Metro]

I'm changing. Minus Stefani, too.

[Adam Carolla]

No way. Okay. I'm going Kanye West.

[Bill Burr]

Kanye West.

[Adam Carolla]

Kanye West.

[Bill Burr]

You're going Stefani. Brian. Yeah. All right. Three Stefani's. One Kanye West.

[Gina Grad]

It matters little. The blog belongs to Courtney Love.

[Bill Burr]

Wild card. Damn it.

[Gina Grad]

Moving on. I may not be a scientist, but I know a great idea when I see it. More than a billion people today rely on rice as a main source of food. This number will certainly rise in the coming years with the expected growth of the world's population. Greater demand for foods such as rice will come at a time of increasing pressure on the earth's resources, at a time when our soils are becoming less fertile, our streams and rivers more polluted, and our forests more threatened. Improving agricultural productivity.

[Joe DeRosa]

She inhales some rich.

[Gina Grad]

Particularly for resource intensive crops such as rice will be a critical factor in securing food for the world's population. Sri the system of rice intensification.

[Bill Burr]

Drina Partridge. I know this one.

[Gina Grad]

Part of the solution. Is it Deepak chopra, chef Rocco DiSpirito or Jim Carrey?

[Bill Burr]

Take a little time to be quiet. Wow. Yeah. All right.

[Joe DeRosa]

You got the obvious guy from Asia.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I say Deepak. Yeah. Talking about rice. Sure. Yeah. All right. I'm saying Jim Carrey because he shouldn't be on there.

[Tracy Metro]

I feel like Jim Carrey wants desperately be considered, like, super smart. So I'm gonna say Jim Carrey.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. What do you think?

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, you know, just because you guys are going Jim Carrey, just to add some excitement, I'm gonna go with that douche in the middle with the green shirt.

[Bill Burr]

Rocco.

[Joe DeRosa]

He just looks like he'd bang your wife.

[Bill Burr]

He would.

[Joe DeRosa]

Probably coming over with a bag of groceries, trying to look like he's, you know.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he's nothing but a problem.

[Bill Burr]

He is.

[Joe DeRosa]

Look at all the zucchini peeking out, you know, subliminally what he's saying with that bag of groceries.

[Adam Carolla]

Look how big it is.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Which, you know, Means it's small.

[Joe DeRosa]

Tracy, Is it ever just because maybe he does? Can they just be a confident guy with a big truck and a big dick?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah. You know, all right, so I got him.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's just insecure. Maybe have a big dick is anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm only going Deepak to take over.

[Bill Burr]

Deepak, Deepak, you got. You got pseudo intellectual Jim Carrey on there too. Time to be quiet. Yeah, that's right.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Jim Carrey.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Ace man on the board. Brian in the lead with two. Everybody else at one.

[Bill Burr]

Are we going in the last one?

[Gina Grad]

We got this one and then a tiebreaker.

[Bill Burr]

Let's go.

[Gina Grad]

Just keep this in mind. Obedience is the fruit of the tree of fear. If someone on the news or a politician is trying to scare you, if they want you to be afraid so that you will follow them into acting against an enemy, whatever they are saying, more likely the opposite. More than likely the opposite is true. If you must act, act from love. I believe in people. That's why I'm a comedian. I really enjoy bringing joy to strangers and helping us all find commonalities we can laugh at. Is it Hal Sparks?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, boy. Roseanne, what would you do if it was Barr? Yuck.

[Gina Grad]

Or Dane Cook?

[Bill Burr]

Roseanne Barr.

[Adam Carolla]

Roseanne Barr.

[Bill Burr]

I'm going without a doubt. I'm going Dane Cook.

[Adam Carolla]

Definitely Roseanne Barr.

[Tracy Metro]

The first name that jumped in my head was Roseanne Barr.

[Bill Burr]

All right, so we got three Roseanne bars and one Dane Cook.

[Gina Grad]

The blog belongs to Hal Sparks.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, so Brian wins.

[Gina Grad]

Well, we gotta. We got. We got one more. Well, yeah, somebody tells, right? Brian has two.

[Bill Burr]

He.

[Gina Grad]

He is in the lead. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that was our last question.

[Gina Grad]

That's the game. Thanks, Jeremiah Weed. Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round of blah, blah, blah. I just hate it when someone doesn't win by blowhard. House.

[Joe DeRosa]

Someone won House.

[Adam Carolla]

Sparks.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, that theory just totally. It doesn't take into play sociopaths. And if you're just nice to people, they'll be nice to you.

[Bill Burr]

I hate all the fucking comedians that are like, I want to make people think. I want to bring joy in their heart. The greatest gift. I'm fucking. I go into town. First off, I'm only there for the money. I don't give a fuck. People enjoy themselves.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did I make my bonus?

[Bill Burr]

I want fucking money. And then secondly, free food. If I had fear, that would. That would suggest an emotion. I don't have any fear. I wish I Was scared it would give me something to think about. I'm just bored. I just want to get the fuck out of there.

[Joe DeRosa]

Especially if you're in an awful city. The worst of the comedy clubs that are like part of a strip mall.

[Adam Carolla]

There's just no way you've made it then.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. There's no way to not feel like a failure as you're trudging it behind the BFI bin for the good fellas entrance in air quotes Beer would be.

[Bill Burr]

Would be awesome. An awesome sensation to have. I have no sensation. It doesn't affect me.

[Joe DeRosa]

I just want to animals as a kid just to try to feel something.

[Bill Burr]

Something is wrong with me. But I don't get any high off of anyone laughing. That's my problem. I just. I just want to get out of there. And if they're laughing that's just part of the gig. That's what you're supposed to do. I wish it felt like something. It never feels like anything. I just want to.

[Joe DeRosa]

I wish we just a mind fuck the crowd. Why don't you just do a bit about that towards the end of the show after you've killed for 50 minutes and just be like, you know, I wish I got a charge out of all that you guys have just given me over the last 15 minutes. But I feel absolutely nothing.

[Bill Burr]

I'm empty.

[Joe DeRosa]

Empty.

[Bill Burr]

And I felt like leaving tube sock filled with sawdust. That's what I feel like right now. No. It's all I want to do is get the fuck out of there. Nothing personal. I just want to go. I. I don't want to. Wherever I am, I don't want to be there. That's. That's.

[Joe DeRosa]

I used to fantasize.

[Bill Burr]

I want to be at home. That's okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I used to fantasize.

[Adam Carolla]

But what about your studio? Like this is your second.

[Bill Burr]

This I like because there's no audience. I don't like. I don't like audiences. That's my problem. That's my own. That's the only thing standing between me. Me being one of the all time great stand up comedians is not liking an audience.

[Joe DeRosa]

Other than that I could have been.

[Bill Burr]

One of the fucking greats.

[Joe DeRosa]

I used to fantasize about owning my own helicopter and having a pilot's license and like I land right on top of the club.

[Bill Burr]

Mm.

[Joe DeRosa]

And then when I'm done, that's it. Either that or buying an old F16 and you just fly it Mach 2 back from New York. So I'd be in my bed by the time those jackasses drive home buying an old F16. They sell those. Can I buy them off that Blackwater guy?

[Bill Burr]

You can buy MIGs. I think they get retrofitted with like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's definitely not sexy staying in shit ass hotels.

[Bill Burr]

No, no. But traveling the country for work. It doesn't matter how nice the hotel is and how nice the venue is. It helps. It's better. But just. Just want to go home.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, during the show is awesome. And I actually like doing the morning radio. It's those in between 16 hours.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, really? That's the part I like.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's apart.

[Bill Burr]

Now go see matinee movie at the mall with Mike August. It's awesome. Tracy, you want to do a little more news before we take this baby home?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would love to. Kind of.

[Gina Grad]

Speaking of the rest of the news with Tracy Metro.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of flying an F16.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What about flying a gas balloon across.

[Bill Burr]

The world like Richard Branson would try to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, kind of. Well, this past Saturday, the 54th annual Gordon Bennett. Not the 54th annual. The 54th Gordon Bennett gas Balloon Race occurred. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the event, as was I, it is an annual event in which teams of balloonists try to see who can fly the farthest from a set point on about 35,000 cubic feet of gas.

[Bill Burr]

Who would you rather hang out with? Balloonists or swingers? Like just if you had to have dinner?

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, I just was with some swingers this weekend and they were trying to get my husband and I to do it with them. And it was like, really?

[Bill Burr]

What's.

[Joe DeRosa]

What's their. What was their closer?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. They didn't stop.

[Bill Burr]

It just never. Are you uptight? You uptight about your body? You're not tired?

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't that. Well, yeah, you know, and I was like, okay. At first it was funny and cute or whatever. And then I was like. They were. One was after my husband, one was after me. And we were like, that's.

[Bill Burr]

I like when they get into nature, you know, we're the only mammals who like that. One doesn't other mammals in the ass while they're getting high.

[Joe DeRosa]

Marriage was invented by human. It's not real. You're fighting your DNA.

[Bill Burr]

It's just a piece of paper. Yeah. And at some time, I'm telling you, they have to work in.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? It was like that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Get the fuck off me. Oh, I love anger. No matter what you say, it's a turn off.

[Bill Burr]

They have to work in. You somehow being like puritanical and uptight about your body or something? Like, it's okay. It's just natural. It's just a human.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why don't you guys get the balls to break up with each other?

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You just don't want to openly cheating on one another.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you're like, really?

[Bill Burr]

How did you meet this couple of swingers?

[Adam Carolla]

It was at an event. We actually had swingers. Exactly. We met them a year ago and. And apparently they thought about us.

[Bill Burr]

Really? Sure.

[Joe DeRosa]

You just need to break up with the person you're with at that point. Just say, I am so sick of fucking you that I can actually bring up fucking other people in front of you. And you think it's a good idea.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

And you'd rather bang whatever dude that chick is with than look at me naked again.

[Bill Burr]

And then there's like, there's gotta be rules. Like, I can only be blown, or I can't fuck her, or like, I can eat some pussy, but I can't.

[Joe DeRosa]

Get a blowjob orgasm with her. With me. You can start with her, but I'm worried about, like, disease.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy and the guy and the.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. What's the guy and the guy doing? See?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's kind of when it went.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, you got to be in the same room.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I didn't do it.

[Joe DeRosa]

I didn't say you did. I was just. I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, we didn't get the rules.

[Bill Burr]

Swinger.

[Adam Carolla]

You were really uncomfortable with the kibosh. No, it was just not. No, just not.

[Bill Burr]

But what if. What if you were attracted to the couple? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Not going to work.

[Joe DeRosa]

What if you were in Vegas and the guy was really good looking, he offered you a million dollars.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. He looked like Robert Redford. Yeah. Before skin went weird, but not Robert Redford Today.

[Tracy Metro]

Robert redford was like 1994.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

Butch Cassidy. Robert Redford. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, so back. Back to our balloon.

[Bill Burr]

Balloonist. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So guess what happened to these guys that were in the balloon going with 35,000 cubic feet of.

[Bill Burr]

Well, they get up into the. They get up in the jets and they. And they go. I mean, they can cover tons of ground. Like, they're always trying to circumnavigate the globe because the jet stream is like, I don't know, 250 miles an hour or something. So once they get up to that altitude, they take off like a fucking.

[Joe DeRosa]

Arrow, you know, like the balls that. That takes. And nobody. Nobody even knows that it's happening. And also, the fourth annual. I've never heard of It.

[Bill Burr]

Right. Well, what happened to them?

[Adam Carolla]

So guess what? Missing.

[Bill Burr]

Missing.

[Adam Carolla]

They went missing. One team went missing over the Adriatic Sea. Well, duh. What do you think's gonna happen? And there have been search and rescue crews looking for them. And the team that went missing is Abruzzo and Davis. They've. They're like, who?

[Bill Burr]

Who? Huh?

[Joe DeRosa]

Vegas.

[Bill Burr]

Abruzzo and Davis. I'm Abruzzle and this is my partner Davis. And here are the bears. They're opening for bilberry at the Egg. Bill walks out October 1st. Bear shit.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's part of the act. It's fake. Press fall.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So helicopters, military aircraft, several boats as well as ground crews have been searching for them. Now here's what I found interesting. The family members of Abruzzo Davis don't really seem to be that stressed out. They're just like, yeah, they were having electrical issues because of the weather. So we're just hoping that's the problem. If it were my spouse, I would be. Yeah, I would be a little stressed out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Pressurized suit got a hole in it and someone couldn't turn off the gas. They just kept going up and up and up. Yeah. And then all of a sudden they run into the space shuttle. Then you gotta have George Kennedy drop.

[Bill Burr]

In from 7:4 and from another plane.

[Adam Carolla]

And then connect it with like one of those zip lines all the way down.

[Joe DeRosa]

Charlton Heston.

[Bill Burr]

Chuck Heston dropped in Airport 77 or something. That's our Goonies, by the way, Brian.

[Tracy Metro]

And that no one else cares about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

All those movies were before cable. Those movies were incredible.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Abruzzio's father and two other Albuquerque residents because, you know, Albuquerque has their balloon festival every year.

[Bill Burr]

Big, big balloon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. His father made the first successful balloon flight over the Atlantic in a helium balloon in 1978. Landing in France.

[Bill Burr]

78, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Landing in France after 137 hour flight.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's in Abruzio's blood or Abruzzo's blood.

[Joe DeRosa]

Imagine doing this over the Atlantic by yourself. Taking a dump down into the ocean.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. There's a trap door in the wicker basket. Yeah. You know, you don't want to get the blue eyes.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's another record he probably took. He said taking this shit from the highest altitude.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

On top of a whale's head.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And then also just one big blob.

[Joe DeRosa]

With an eye on it.

[Bill Burr]

Killing cod fishermen with shit is also another record he can add. Add to his long list of many records.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, it goes down into the Porpoises blowhole. That's why it was banned for a number of years until they were able to get a light enough toilet up there.

[Bill Burr]

So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Brian, Bill Burr and Tracy Metro saying mahalo.

[Gina Grad]

And now your Adam Carolla extra.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Tracy, you have one more bonus stitcher story for us.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. And this is for all the Glee fans out there.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I mean, hey, do you hate it? I don't know anything about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch one episode, you'll be hooked.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I'm. Then it's like saying, try heroin. You'll be hooked. I don't want to be hooked.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so cheesy. It's fabulous.

[Bill Burr]

I love Jane Lynch.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Hilarious. I just love her.

[Bill Burr]

She did my movie. I did an independent film. She did it and she didn't have to do Called the Hammer. She did it. She didn't have to. She was awesome in it. I never met her before and she was sweet as could be, so. And. And I've talked her many times since then, so it couldn't happen to a better person.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this story is not about the funny and fabulous Jane lynch, but it is about the not terribly funny or fabulous in my opinion. Britney Spears. You fan of the Brit?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Me either.

[Bill Burr]

I don't feel like she brings. Here's. I'll tell you my Britney Spears thing. I need you to be either an incredible musician or an incredible songwriter, or just look amazing. Be incredible in some way or have some chops. Just fucking be able to belt out a tune. I don't feel like there's anything there for her. And I just. I know I just sound like Pops Corolla here when I say I just feel like she's concocted in some kind of lab. I remember about five, eight years ago, I turned on the tv, was like, britney Live, HBO Special. She ran up a flight of stairs. She's like, oops, I did it again. But she ran up. During her whole stage thing, she literally sprinted up 30 stairs to get to the top.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't out of breath, right.

[Bill Burr]

Couldn't hear her voice change or that thing where you or even a little fart come out. Like, okay, listen, it's clearly lip sunk. Fine, but let's not broadcast that it's being lip sunk by you running up a flight of stairs and not even hearing you breathe.

[Adam Carolla]

That annoys the crap out of me when they do.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. And by the way, that should be legal. It should literally be illegal.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, oh, Actually, you know what? It's false advertising.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody sued before over this, which is if you pay money to see somebody perform, sing their songs live, and you hear a recording of their songs, that ain't what you paid for.

[Adam Carolla]

So true. Truth in advertising, you know, the infomercial world, it has to be what they sell and they show on the air. Has to be exactly what.

[Bill Burr]

And she's not hot enough. She's just kind of a figmentation of our imagination put together.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't love her.

[Bill Burr]

She's all right.

[Adam Carolla]

But the generation that loves Glee sure loves the Britster.

[Bill Burr]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's a character on the show called Britney. And apparently they had a little something something going on. And it was such a huge hit that episode that they're talking about bringing Britney back. And believe it or not, the Britney episode was bigger than the Madonna episode.

[Bill Burr]

Well, the thing that's insane is when you hear about, like, top GROSSING Performers of 2009 and you're like, well, let's see, Jay Z made $51 million and Britney Spears made 39 million. And you're like, doing what? Wasn't she just like getting her head shaved and drooling and dragged out of like, what the.

[Adam Carolla]

She has one new song.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know how anything works. And then people go, she has a fragrance. And you're like, What? She sold $30 million worth of that shit. How does it work? What goes on? I have no fucking idea. I'm waiting for John Hyatt night on Goddamn. I'm waiting for either Nick Lowe, Dave Edmonds, Elvis Costello, John Hyde, or Graham Parker night on Glee. And that's it. I'll not stop writing Fox until they pick up at least.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here's what I'm going to.

[Bill Burr]

Alan Parsons.

[Adam Carolla]

I only knew one person. That was Elvis Costello out of that entire list.

[Bill Burr]

I know. Well, it's part of the joke, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I missed it.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that's the point. Missing the joke is the point. Well, the point is, is they're obscure. That's why they're never going to.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was hoping that I was going to be in on the joke.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But apparently I'm just like the rest of the.

[Bill Burr]

Never heard of Nick Lowe, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bill Burr]

You ever heard of, let's see, Girls Talk? Not Girls Talk? Yeah. Cruel To Be kind. The song.

[Adam Carolla]

Truth be told, I am really bad at music.

[Bill Burr]

No shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, if you sing the song, I'll go, oh, I know that you gotta.

[Bill Burr]

Be cruel to me kind.

[Adam Carolla]

So far, nothing.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a sec.

[Bill Burr]

Did you grow up on an island somewhere. I did. What country?

[Adam Carolla]

The island of Tracy.

[Bill Burr]

Just listen to this part.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I know this song. I totally know this song.

[Bill Burr]

Of course you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a total music retard.

[Bill Burr]

Song's so good. It's a good pop song.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a feel good song.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus. So tired of hearing hall and. And John John Cougar melon and all that. I want to hear some Nick Lowe and girl stalks even better song.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, that is a really good song.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a really good song.

[Bill Burr]

I brought you around.

[Brian Bishop]

You did, you did.

[Adam Carolla]

But see, and that's the thing, like, I'm so bad that you said all those names and I probably even knew music from all those people.

[Bill Burr]

I guarantee I could find you a Dave Edmonds song that you've heard of and I could find you a Nick. Well, I just played you Nick Lowe. Elvis Costello, we know. Yes, Graham Parker's gonna be I could find you a Graham Parker. And I could find you John Hyatt, too.

[Adam Carolla]

See, but either way, anyway, they're not going to be see on seeing on Glee.

[Bill Burr]

But no Britney maybe seeing Glee.

[Gina Grad]

Thank.

[Bill Burr]

All right, this is Adam Krillo Show 418.

[Tracy Metro]

Coming up next, we have Adam Crillish Show 1977.

[Bill Burr]

Gina Grad. Brian Bishop, Ace Man.

[Tracy Metro]

December 2016 Ace Awards.

[Bill Burr]

Gina Second. Oh, oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have. Well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well. Get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts. One stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam.

[Gina Grad]

From Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2016 ACE Awards, honoring the very best of the Adam Carolla show this year, featuring trophy girl Gina Grad and seat filler Brian Bishop. And now your host for this evening's ceremonies, Adam Carolla.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get on, man. They get on my favorite show of the year, hands down. Love you guys. I mean, a second probably only to 19 hours after the Trump win and having Glenn Washington in here to discuss white privilege, you know, vanilla and chocolate.

[Tracy Metro]

You can like them both equally just.

[Bill Burr]

For different occasions, which I'm glad you brought that up. This is a great evening, a great night, and we thank you. So I have in my hands a list, envelopes, multiple envelopes. Best impression, most uncomfortable moment. I always look forward to that. Best invention, best reenactment caller of the year. All the good stuff. All the good stuff. And we never hear it.

[Tracy Metro]

No.

[Bill Burr]

We can only speculate as to what the most uncomfortable moment of the year was. It's a true treat for us, impersonation or impression or rant of the year. And because of the way I'm wired, I have almost no recollection. So if you put a gun to my head and said rant of the year, I wouldn't even know where to.

[Brian Bishop]

Start, where to begin.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. So this is not only it rings in and harkens and points a klieg light to the fact that we've done another year and we've completed another year and we're turning the corner around third base. And we're heading for eight years into this process. So we thank you guys so much because we don't do anything in terms of advertising and pulling out outdoor advertising, indoor advertising, online advertising, advertising.

[Tracy Metro]

We do no advertising, subterranean advertising.

[Bill Burr]

It is all you and all you telling friends and family members and loved ones and people you work with about this program. So thank you for the fact that we're going on. Brian has a good job. He has a child. He has a wife. He's alive.

[Tracy Metro]

They're in the other room.

[Bill Burr]

All these things because of you guys. So please thank You. But also share the good news. If you know somebody, tell them about it.

[Tracy Metro]

Hear that, Chrissy? Advertising is worthless.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian has a job and a baby. I got a new jacket.

[Bill Burr]

All right, so we're excited to have Gina grad here and completing another year with Gina grad and bald Brian.

[Tracy Metro]

That's right.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, we're having a beer.

[Tracy Metro]

Listen, Adam brought in the cold beer and the cold mugs.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not gonna kid you people.

[Tracy Metro]

You've been straight with us this far.

[Bill Burr]

I was at. We're doing the Christmas party tonight. I was at the other shop, mopping and cleaning and organizing and doing all the stuff that I do in preparation for a Christmas party. And I tell people all the time, throw a party once a year. It forces you to douche out your world and dust things off and put things away. And like, what's in that box? I don't know. It's been there for nine months. We'll pick it up and get it out.

[Tracy Metro]

Things that don't work get working or get replaced.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, get out. That's. Leave Lynette out of this. That's what I've been doing all day. But now that I'm done, I've cracked a beer and I'm gonna enjoy myself. All right, this show speaks for its. It is Mike Dawson. It is Mike Lynch, Gary and I don't know who else.

[Tracy Metro]

Big round of applause for all the hard work, everyone. All hands on deck.

[Bill Burr]

All hands on deck. Going all through this. This is the first time we hear it when you hear it. So we'll move on to category number one.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best impression are. Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. By the way, chill pills.

[Bill Burr]

For sure.

[Gina Grad]

A Dr. Phil product sponsored by.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I like that.

[Gina Grad]

The commercials would be the best.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, get a Quaalude. What you gotta do. You have road rage. Do you get overtly frustrated at your.

[Gina Grad]

Wife for taking too long to get.

[Bill Burr]

Ready for the movie and you miss the previews?

[Gina Grad]

Have you called a nine year old.

[Bill Burr]

Kid a cunt during a T ball game? Take a Quaalude.

[Gina Grad]

Now in strawberry and grape. J.L. calvin as Donald Trump.

[Tracy Metro]

How great are we? I mean, this is unbelievable what we're doing. You know, I won. You know, they said I couldn't win.

[Bill Burr]

All of a sudden I'm winning.

[Tracy Metro]

Not only am I winning, I'm winning great.

[Bill Burr]

The thing is, I think he can pass a lie detector test.

[Tracy Metro]

Like he could say two plus two.

[Bill Burr]

Is five and he'll go, oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Because he believes it.

[Tracy Metro]

Unbelievable. I mean, Two plus two.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know why they're saying it's four.

[Tracy Metro]

It's clearly five, right?

[Bill Burr]

I've done the math.

[Tracy Metro]

I've read it on Twitter. It's 5.

[Gina Grad]

Jonathan Kite as Vince Vaughn.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's up, my man? How are you? I like the energy happening right now. I like your smile, my man. I kind of like what's happening right now. What kind of cologne is that? The cool water, my man. Because you're such a cool guy. That's by David of. Most people don't know that I'm a spokesperson for that, but I am because I like the energy. The energy happening right here, my man. You get it and I get. We got each other right here. I'm pointing to my heart. Cause we're any side, you know, we're the ET of each other. We get each other in the heart. You know what I'm saying, my man?

[Tracy Metro]

The laugh was the cherry on top.

[Gina Grad]

Brad Williams as Sylvester Stallone.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, some of the big winners were the Revenant for best Director, Best Actor, Best Motion Picture drama, the Martian, as we discussed, Best Comedy, and Sylvester Stallone for best performance by an actor in a supporting role in a motion picture.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you got Golden Globe. Because I was in Rocky Movie. Like, they, I. I made Rambo, right? I made Rambo. Ain't give me best supporting Actor. I'm not gonna mow down a lot.

[Bill Burr]

Of Asian bad guys.

[Gina Grad]

And they only give it to me.

[Bill Burr]

But Rocky, they. They let me that Best supporting Actor.

[Gina Grad]

So I was fighting cancer. I knocked out cancer. Like, cancer came at me just like Apollo, you know, and like, knocked me over. And I was like, you, cancer? And I knocked it out.

[Bill Burr]

I've knocked out the cancer. Give me the Golden Globe.

[Gina Grad]

And Dana Carvey as Sean Connery. Christopher Walken and Tom Brokaw.

[Bill Burr]

Man, there's a lot of good. My new thing now is micro impressions. Sean Connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in Spain. Okay. Yes. So it's just a way. Yeah, you don't have to do the whole thing with. Imagine if Sean Connery was one of the founding fathers and had to deliver in a debate with, no, you just go, this. It's better. It's more satisfying. And then in today's super fast cut society, Christopher Walken sees a particularly good magic trick. Wow. That's it. I could teach you. I mean, we can all do these.

[Joe DeRosa]

Tom Brokaw.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Tom Brokaw asking, where is the library? In Spanish. Donda esta la bibliotheca.

[Joe DeRosa]

So it's like they're just.

[Bill Burr]

They're funny, right? You have to laugh. All right, I have the envelope in front of me. I'm going to open it up and I'm going to take out the piece of paper and it says, and we do make Ace Awards out of Lucite. Actually, Glass sends it. Jonathan Kait is Vince Vaughn, everybody. Well deserved, well deserved.

[Tracy Metro]

A real dark horse.

[Bill Burr]

Wow. Unbelievable. All right, next category.

[Gina Grad]

Our first nominee for Rant of the Year, Luck.

[Bill Burr]

We have now morphed into the latest one, which is the easiest way to extract money from people. Luck. This article that Gary's going to read you is taken from a New York Times article in 2007, Cornell economist Robert Frank wrote about President Barack Obama's plan to let the Bush era tax cuts from the country's top earners lapse for the New York Times.

[Tracy Metro]

He wrote that critics who complained that.

[Bill Burr]

They had uniquely earned the money that would be taken away by stricter taxes were wrong because, quote, contrary to what many parents tell their children, talent and hard work are neither necessary nor sufficient for economic success. All right, hold on. Neither necessary. So talent and hard work, not. Not a necessary nor sufficient. So what is the narrative that this asshole and the New York Times are trying to push? The narrative is I'm lucky. Nick Santora is lucky. Kevin Hench is lucky. Thus they need more of our money, which, by the way, not sure how that's going to fix the infrastructure. Anyway, seems like you've been taking a lot lately and nothing's going to happen. But I will tell you the bigger and the worst part of this entire message. Let's just say you're someone who, by definition, by this article is not lucky. You're. You're now into your 30s, you have a family, you're making $34,000 a year. Or maybe you're unemployed now. You read this article? Well, obviously you're not lucky. I'm looking at your car out in the driveway. You got a Tercel with four different color fenders on it. And I'm looking at your wife, and she weighs more than the terce. So is it safe to say you're not blessed? Is it safe to say you're not lucky? Okay, well, why try? Because you can't try for luck. So this asshole's eliminated talent and hard work, the two things I had on the table to try to compensate for this thing called luck, which doesn't really exist. But you who are reading this article, chances are you're not a millionaire. So you're not Lucky. So nothing you can do with your lot in life. I mean, you're relatively young. Maybe you're 35 years old, but you might as well pack it in according to this fucking poison peddler, because you're not lucky. Yeah. Why try? That's. That's the other guy. But I tell you what we can try to do. We can try to focus on luck and how lucky the other guy is, and let's see if we can get him to kick down a few bucks, get him to pay a little more. As if that's gonna work on the fucking tercel and the fat wife. Is there ever, ever? Is there an amount? I'm at 40%. What if I got to 60%? Is it gonna help the guy with the tercel? Is there a magic number? Course not. But this is now convincing. What I would guess would be 99% of the people who read this article that they're not lucky. And thus, I'm doing the lot deductive reasoning here. Why try? Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Very, very fair point.

[Bill Burr]

All right, now is. Now, I had. I had my order mixed up a little here. I don't think so. Because the rant. We play one every few categories, okay? So I'm gonna. I'm gonna set it aside.

[Gina Grad]

There are seven rants throughout this show. That's it.

[Bill Burr]

Now, I got. By the way, just for a second, I just read. So during the. An hour ago, I said to Nick Santora and Kevin Hench, I said, hey, during the Christmas break, would you guys like to get together and have a steak? And they said, yes. And then Nick forwarded something along that said in a link that said, and by the way, Hench is paying for the stakes. And it was an article that said, last man Standing, Tim Allen going to syndication. Kevin Hench was a nobody. He worked on my sitcoms. My sitcoms didn't work.

[Tracy Metro]

He was a hell of a nobody.

[Bill Burr]

He was a hell of a nobody. He worked on the Hammer. The Hammer didn't make any money. He kept going and going and going. He finally got hold of this. He got lucky.

[Tracy Metro]

Three cherries all lined up in a row.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. Now he has a sitcom that's going into syndication. Nobody's been grinding harder than Kevin Hench for the last 11 years. I don't know where the luck part of this equation comes in, but there you go. He got lucky, everybody. All right, next category.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for Most Uncomfortable Moments are.

[Bill Burr]

Pam Adlon, I know. You. And Louie. What are you. Are you boyfriend, girlfriend?

[Joe DeRosa]

What?

[Bill Burr]

What are you and Louie. Partners?

[Adam Carolla]

We are Creative partners.

[Bill Burr]

And we started being so 11 years ago. Creative partners. Yeah, but do you guys have sex?

[Gina Grad]

Not creating a baby.

[Bill Burr]

But you guys together? Is it not news, what's happening? I mean. No. I mean, I. Would you be pissed if you fuck somebody else? Other people. You wouldn't? No.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Bill Burr]

And. And I wouldn't be shocked either. You wouldn't. But you have had sex with him in the past? No, I don't.

[Tracy Metro]

She doesn't play the game anymore.

[Bill Burr]

So.

[Brian Bishop]

Happy to have you here.

[Bill Burr]

Wow. I'm gonna go with yes. No. Okay. That means yes. And we have our ACE Award winner, Who I fuck. Okay.

[Gina Grad]

Brian Bishop.

[Tracy Metro]

I've been sitting on this information for a few weeks now. I didn't want to announce Anything until we're 100% sure, but Christy and I, we've had a lot of doctor's appointments, a lot of scans, a lot of tests, and there is definitely a new growth.

[Bill Burr]

We knew.

[Tracy Metro]

We knew this day was a possibility. We didn't really expect it, but we knew that it was definitely something that could happen. And the doctors are now telling us that it could be five or six months until we meet our new baby. Christy's pregnant. Christie is pregnant. Garbage. Sorry to leave you guys down that.

[Brian Bishop]

Path, but I'm so angry.

[Bill Burr]

I'm angry, too.

[Brian Bishop]

I hate you.

[Bill Burr]

So well worded. Perfectly worded.

[Gina Grad]

Steve Aoki.

[Bill Burr]

A controversial subject. Steve. Guy Aoki. Is that your father's brother? Guy Guy.

[Gina Grad]

I don't know. I don't even know who that is.

[Bill Burr]

It's a different Aoki.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, there's a lot of Aokis.

[Bill Burr]

It's like Smith almost a lot of Aokis.

[Tracy Metro]

You thought they were.

[Bill Burr]

Guyoke is a watchdog. All Asian groups. If you're Sarah Silverman or Adam Carolla, you've got a letter from Guy Aoki. But the thing that was funny is the reason I assumed he was your dad's brother or uncle or something is because when we got. When you get up. Bad letter from Guy Aoki. Somebody said it's from an office that he has at a Benihana. Oh. Oh, maybe they're being racist. Silver making a joke. I took him literally. It's true. I saw these Are Dark Days on the podcast. I did the Aoki Benihana map. But you don't know any Guy. I don't know a guy.

[Gina Grad]

I've already heard of this guy.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Tracy Metro]

There's this Irish guy. He was from Nantucket.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Brian.

[Bill Burr]

What? Brian wants to settle my hash about some statistics or numbers. A debate, an argument. And I'M perfectly open to it, so go right ahead.

[Tracy Metro]

Well, imagine I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, the Adam and Drew show, with Adam and Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Tracy Metro]

That's okay. No, it's not okay. And imagine my surprise when I heard Adam play this clip from the David Wilde segment from a few days earlier. You say we spend the most. We probably do because la. So humongous. Like it's a. It's the biggest county in the.

[Bill Burr]

Well, no, it's per student.

[Tracy Metro]

All right, we don't. I have no way of verifying that.

[Bill Burr]

But let's say it is per student. Okay? That's what I'm saying to you, and.

[Tracy Metro]

Let'S say it is.

[Bill Burr]

They don't do it. Like, Arkansas is this big and they spend 30 million. In LA, you spend 31 million. But pursuit. No, they do it per student. That's how they.

[Tracy Metro]

Let's say that's correct.

[Bill Burr]

No, that's how they do it, Brian. That's how they. They do it, is what I'm saying. Okay, I'm not being a dick, I'm just explaining. They don't do the. Let's say, let's.

[Tracy Metro]

Yeah, the money can certainly be spent better. There's obviously not getting the results.

[Bill Burr]

Stopping and having to argue with somebody in the middle of.

[Tracy Metro]

Now, you played that clip because you were dissatisfied with how that conversation went between you and the exchange went between you and me. The irony is we would have ended up at the same place. Because I'm saying whether or not we do it per capita or overall or whatever, we're still on the same page where the money is being spent poorly like this, or the pensions or whatever it is, we're gonna end up at the same destination. Why do we have to have the, the, the spike strip where we have to stop and say, please agree with me, it's per capita.

[Bill Burr]

When I didn't want to know, I. Well, I know he didn't want to agree with it, but that's the unit of measurement that they use to measure spending.

[Tracy Metro]

That is true. So it's also true.

[Bill Burr]

But. But that's why I wanted just. You're. You're asking me. I'm asking, asking you why not just go, okay, that's how they do it? Moving on.

[Tracy Metro]

Fair enough. That is true. It is also true that the number one per capita spending district in the United States is the Newark Public School District in Newark, New Jersey. Do you want to know who's number two?

[Bill Burr]

I got, I got the full list.

[Tracy Metro]

It's Buffalo Public School. But do you want to know who's number three?

[Brian Bishop]

Are we in the top ten?

[Bill Burr]

All right, but number three is Camden.

[Tracy Metro]

City, also in New Jersey.

[Bill Burr]

You want to know who number 180 is? 180. Right.

[Tracy Metro]

Per capita. Per capita. 180. LAUSD. But please, I'm dying to hear this.

[Bill Burr]

Well, first off, first things first. That has nothing to do with you disagreeing with me. The disagreement part back up.

[Tracy Metro]

Hold on. What?

[Bill Burr]

That has nothing to do with the argument we had on the air.

[Tracy Metro]

I don't know about that.

[Bill Burr]

And David Wild, there's one message. You have to stay back. You have to raise your kids, you have to educate your kids and then this will stop. Or we could use your super effective method. Your super effective method. Does anyone want to look if anything's effective? That's the whole thing. Do you get no results? You get zero results. And proudly stand by your methods. Boldly. You're like, you guys are all captains on a sinking ship going, we are all the best. Stay the course. Throw away the sexton. We know what we're doing. You've had 30 years of this. It is zero effective. How about an alternative plan? We've had 30 years of what? Rhetoric? Nothingness. Exactly what you're doing now. We're all speaking. I mean, we're not. What is your plan? My plan? What is your group's plan? I don't have a group. Do you have a plan? I'm not running for president. What is your plan, David Wild? Oh, my plan is more investment in public education. Okay, who spends the most? Who spends the most? What city? What. What state? I don't know. Do you know? Yeah, it's basically LA is at the top of the food or the bottom of food. If you work in the unions, 49th Baltimore, Chicago. Who spends the most and who do you.

[Gina Grad]

Well, that's.

[Bill Burr]

We need to invest more. Here's a very important thing that is fallen apart in America. How about like, my dad grew up on charity. And he said what saved him from a tough New York City childhood was that public libraries were open like around the clock. And he hid in the library and became a good student and managed to.

[Tracy Metro]

Go to Cornell, put himself through Cornell.

[Bill Burr]

But if your family, if your family life is chaos, you're not going to a library. We've let libraries go.

[Tracy Metro]

We've let, you know.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, that's music education. Music. Okay, so those are the top three. Brian, you got that?

[Tracy Metro]

I got that.

[Bill Burr]

Investment in education. Keep libraries open longer. In bassoons. Jesus Christ.

[Tracy Metro]

I remember that being much, much, much, much, much, much, much longer.

[Bill Burr]

It was about 40 minutes. Ryan.

[Brian Bishop]

If you don't get one of these, I might have to leave.

[Bill Burr]

The winner is. David Wild, everybody.

[Tracy Metro]

That was pretty uncomfortable.

[Brian Bishop]

That was epically awkward. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Look, I just want results, people. I just want results. But to be fair, can't do. They can't do a thing.

[Tracy Metro]

This is the only award show this year that David Weltson, not producing.

[Bill Burr]

Been writing for.

[Brian Bishop]

To be fair, your cancer scare was hilarious.

[Bill Burr]

I did offer to punch it up for me, but that was. The cancer scare thing was beautifully worded.

[Tracy Metro]

Christy, who's in the other room, remembers. She's like, you practiced that on me to make sure you got the wording right. I'm like, I did?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. The wording was technically perfect.

[Gina Grad]

Everything was true.

[Brian Bishop]

You dick.

[Bill Burr]

All right, next category.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best reenactment are. Adam and Brian for TSA Job Interview.

[Bill Burr]

Look, you go to an airport. There are airports where the security is really hostile and douchey. And then you go to airports where everyone's, like, super friendly and super nice. It's not, oh, that guy's nice. That guy's a douche. That guy says, wait, that chick's. It's like. It's. It's something that just permeates. Like, if you're a douchebag, you go to LAX because you're like. It's a. It's like a siren song for C. And douchebags that go, come. No joy. No. We welcome super rude Curt Prickly to work at tsa. No, no.

[Tracy Metro]

We find refuge here.

[Bill Burr]

Well, now, that's Seattle. They discourage that over here. We encourage will. You'll be bonus based on how many people you make cry every day. Come on. Come on, the water's warm. Come on over.

[Tracy Metro]

I scored a two on my last review of my last job.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Tracy Metro]

We got a ringer.

[Bill Burr]

We got a ringer.

[Joe DeRosa]

Shut the.

[Bill Burr]

Are you kidding?

[Tracy Metro]

You shut up and let finish. They said I had a bad.

[Bill Burr]

It just came a little bit. Now, wait a minute. Let me check. Are you sure it wasn't a three? Come on, now.

[Tracy Metro]

Are you questioning my Matthew, dipshit?

[Bill Burr]

I love that. Love that. So a two. Really? And by the way, a lot of people think that's out of 10, that's out of a hundred. So in the attitude department, you were a two out of a hundred.

[Tracy Metro]

Basically failing. Yeah, effectively a zero.

[Bill Burr]

Get in here, you little asshole. Come on, let's hug it out. I'm not gonna touch you. Yeah, good answer. Good answer. Can you start yesterday?

[Tracy Metro]

That's impossible.

[Bill Burr]

Find it funny. Hey, let's have a guy. Hey, there's a mother over there struggling with a carriage that won't fold up. She's got a stroller and three kids.

[Tracy Metro]

Miserable.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. Do this thing where you tell her to take off her belt, and then she looks down and see she's not wearing a belt. And you laugh really hard.

[Tracy Metro]

Pretty funny.

[Bill Burr]

Like, you know what? I don't want to tell you to be an obviously 2 out of 100, you're black belt. Try to do your thing. All right, you start today.

[Gina Grad]

Adam and Gina for Joe Biden, rape pledge enforcer.

[Bill Burr]

I'm asking you to join millions of Americans, including me, President Obama, the thousands of students I've met on college campuses, and the artists here tonight to take the pledge. A pledge that says, I will intervene in situations when consent has not or cannot be given. Let's change the culture. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Should I just go dorm room to dorm room?

[Tracy Metro]

Hold on a second for you.

[Bill Burr]

Hold on a second. I did, but how are you supposed to know about this?

[Tracy Metro]

Let's find out.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'm curious.

[Bill Burr]

I can't imagine how you'd know. Like, I grew up, people had sex around me, but I was never really there for the consent part. You know what I mean?

[Tracy Metro]

It's a very hard to testify.

[Bill Burr]

I guess that's what I'm about to say, but we'll listen. Such a hero. Should I just go dorm room to dorm room, when I hear people fucking go, hey, sorry, I just sort of kicked the door in. I popped the pins on the hinges. Anyway. Everything cool?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we're trying to.

[Bill Burr]

You, sweetie?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know this dude?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, he's my boyfriend.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you get the fuck out, please?

[Bill Burr]

All right. He's ball steeping you right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, and I'd like that to continue.

[Bill Burr]

There's a half drunk Schaefer that's sitting in the. Sitting on top of your Mini Frank lunch.

[Brian Bishop]

We're fine.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. Can I tell you that George Foreman cooker is illegal to be in this dorm? You're right. You're cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'll unplug it.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Is anything written? Did you give me your consent?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, when I was screaming for Jesus, when, you know, he was plowing me, I was fine.

[Bill Burr]

I'll tell you what, you get your paperwork together. I'm gonna go to the next dorm room.

[Brian Bishop]

Sounds good.

[Bill Burr]

And make sure everyone's rendered consent. Simply slide the consent form into the hall. I'll just go ahead and check it and initial it and send it. Slide it back for you.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, my boyfriend is officially in his refractory period.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, well, that's where I like him anyway. Look, there is a box that says I can squeeze your left titty if you'd like to check that on the consent form.

[Brian Bishop]

Will it make you leave faster?

[Bill Burr]

I will leave in a different mindset and probably have a little more wind beneath my wings. Have at it.

[Brian Bishop]

The left one's a little fuller.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you. All right, moving on. All right, that's gonna be awesome. Thank you, hero. Thank you, Joe Biden, hero. Thank you, all the heroes. Thank you, heroes. And by the way, never stop patting yourselves on the back. For what? Amazing, amazing, amazing, brave, brave heroes. You are fucking blowhards.

[Gina Grad]

Adam and Brian for White House pissing off white people.

[Brian Bishop]

The cast of Broadway's hot ticket musical Hamilton took its sold out show to the White House on Monday where the star and creator of the musical showed off his freestyle rap skills in the rose garden. Video went viral. Freestyle posted Monday shows Lin Manuel Miranda, who stars as Hamilton, rapping to a live drumbeat as president Obama prompts him with cue cards.

[Bill Burr]

I think Obama, like, every morning, like, walks into his. Like, his first meeting he has with the secretary, and some of his aides are like, all right, look, what do we got left? And then the secretary shouts out, we had 289 more days in office. All right, people, how are we gonna piss off whiny? This ain't gonna happen for a while, right? Rob, what do you got?

[Tracy Metro]

I feel like you can fill out a March madness bracket.

[Bill Burr]

March madness bracket. How about we have the mix guy from Broadway do the whole rap thing on the steps? They're gonna hate that, though. Is he white? No, he seems black. It's rappy. It's good. Yeah, that'll be good. Oh, Bird. I like Mary. King Cobra day. The malt liquor, right? Yeah. Good, good, good. That's good. Billy D. Williams. He's still around.

[Tracy Metro]

Yeah, you could.

[Bill Burr]

Let's get him up here.

[Tracy Metro]

You could pardon Wesley Snipes.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, pardon Wesley Snipes. That's good, that's good, that's good. What else? What else do we have here? All right, hold on. Let me. Let me talk to Chip over it. How's it going with the paroling of Suge Knight? Nothing. Well, just for a day. Just for a photo op.

[Tracy Metro]

That's gonna be tough.

[Bill Burr]

We got 289 more days to piss off whitey. Let's do this right.

[Tracy Metro]

Let's talk in there.

[Gina Grad]

Red, white and blue.

[Bill Burr]

All right? Does anyone need a pineapple soda or are we good?

[Gina Grad]

Adam for strip club track tragedy, this.

[Brian Bishop]

Father has been charged with leaving his nine month old girl in his car for about an hour during a daytime visit to a strip club. According to prosecutors who Talked to the LA Times, 24 year old Awin Dargan pleaded not guilty Monday to one count of child abuse. If convicted of the charges, prosecutors say Dargan faces up to six years in prison. The baby was found inside the car only after an assistant manager at SINJ Gentleman's Club in North Hills.

[Tracy Metro]

Please tell me sin is spelled some other way.

[Brian Bishop]

It's S, Y, N, N. Heard the cries and apparently he was inside getting a lap dance.

[Tracy Metro]

Can we cut to a week later at the strip club? The little girl didn't make it.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, this was going out to the little girl of unknown ethnicity who died in the ramp before. Yeah, Jade. Stage five. Stage five. J5. Hey, listen. Well, it's important to quit your granny. Drop your lid in. There's one little gal ain't gonna make it to the pole. She. It was unseasonably hot. You know, they talked about this El Nino. By the way, that's the name of my. Perhaps it's not enough opportune time to weave that into this. Look, we don't. I'm overcome by emotion. Hold on, J. State five, day five. Jake. Come on, J. He's up there at stage five. All right, we got gentleman's brunch. It's hard to take care of business when. Young girl. Paris out there so young. We like to see them perish out here in their mid-20s.

[Gina Grad]

And Adam for candidate platitude.

[Bill Burr]

I share your concerns as a father. I share your concerns as a neighbor. I share your concerns as a trucker. I share your concerns as a human being. I want for my kids what we all want for our kids. A chance. A chance at education. A chance to do better than we did. You know, my grandfather came to this country from a country that hadn't been invented and still doesn't exist. That's how small it was.

[Brian Bishop]

The old country doesn't exist.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. You know what he showed up with? He had nothing but a pocket full of syphilis. It's actually packed syphilis.

[Tracy Metro]

That's why you hate pockets so much.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. And he. He showed up to Ellis island and here's the kind of chutzpah he had. He showed up at Ellis island, he found a guard, he Said, I want to change the spelling of Ellis Island. And I said, wait a minute. That's what we do for you. And he said, how's it feel, bitch? And he started off sweeping pubic hairs at a whorehouse. Oh, yes, it's low. Oh, my gosh. For an A was paid a nickel a pound by the pound, by the pound.

[Tracy Metro]

A lot of hair.

[Bill Burr]

Well, they had a lot more back then.

[Tracy Metro]

That's a good point.

[Bill Burr]

There's more back. Yeah. It's not the landing strip and the full Brazilian job you see now. All right. Wow. Where do we go? I'm gonna open the envelope here.

[Brian Bishop]

There are no losers.

[Bill Burr]

No, but there is one winner. And that winner is Adam and Brian for White House. Pissing off white people. Well deserved.

[Tracy Metro]

I feel like a strip club DJ.

[Bill Burr]

Got robbed a little bit. A little bit. So much of that was in the Rich bank song, the morose cherry pie.

[Tracy Metro]

Version, the gift that keeps giving.

[Brian Bishop]

I had never heard it and I almost felt, oh, that's hilarious.

[Tracy Metro]

The funny part is I remember asking him to do that song when the stripper fell off the balcony, remember, like three years ago and she died and like, oh, this would be funny. I never thought we'd get to use it again. Like, God, that's so good. Never get to use it again. And luckily the little girl died. Luckily.

[Bill Burr]

Keep it chambered, man. 2017 is gonna be a good year for sure.

[Tracy Metro]

Strip club music.

[Bill Burr]

All right, next category.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best invention are Airbnb.

[Bill Burr]

The air is going to be more like an error. And this is. This is going to be a broken broads with baggage. And it's going to be hot chicks that made a few mistakes that are now screwed up with the baggage. They got a couple of kids, they got broken by, you know, the bad bad boy guys. But they're still physically, the bones are still good. You know what I mean? These are chicks that have kids from previous relationship. Yeah, broken is in there. We don't need. It'll be a website. So for the price of like a 24 year old single chick with no kids, who's a five and a half, that you can land. You can have this damaged knife.

[Tracy Metro]

This is the poor man's hand.

[Bill Burr]

Airbnb.

[Brian Bishop]

You gotta get on this.

[Bill Burr]

I gotta get on this. You guys ever go out like appliance shopping and you want the dishwasher out of Sweden? Okay, you want the Fisher Paykel Gaggenau, you want that one, but you're pretty much on a Maytag kind of Priceline, but you can get the Fisher Paykel's got a dent. The floor model with the little ding in the side or something. Little? The stainless steel is scratch, but you're kind of smart to go. I still rather have that one than the brand new out of the box Maytags. I can live with the dent. Yeah, this is the. Okay, Airbnb. Live with the dent. That'll be. Yeah, she'll share custody of your dick.

[Tracy Metro]

This is your. This is your finest idea.

[Gina Grad]

Gay gynecologist pictures.

[Bill Burr]

By the way, your gynecologist says he's gay smart.

[Tracy Metro]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he really is.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a partner smart. Every time he goes to work, you can tell when. I mean, he's. He has a loving family with his partner smart.

[Bill Burr]

I do it too. That'd be my angle.

[Adam Carolla]

Get all day.

[Bill Burr]

Hold on. This boner has nothing to do with your. It couldn't. I'm gay.

[Tracy Metro]

I'm adopted.

[Bill Burr]

I'm a loving partner. This is simply. Has nothing to do. Do not flatter yourself. I'm as gay as they come.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you what. It sure does make women want to have him be his. The doctor.

[Bill Burr]

You know, they have those like, inspirational posters that they like hang up and you could buy. Like if you have a business. They should have fake gay families for. For straight male gynecologists. What's a picture? You and two Asian kids and a good looking guy, like at Griffith park, you know, couple those around, you know, it's like a whole kit. There's some potpourri for the bathroom. There's a whole nine yards. You get it all, comes in one package. You set it up. There you go.

[Gina Grad]

And douche your cigarette.

[Bill Burr]

Drew was very upset that everyone had their panties in a bunch about vaping. He doesn't care. As a doctor, he doesn't care. And anything is an alternative to cigarettes in his mind. And then I was asking, who are the people that complain about everything all the time, right?

[Tracy Metro]

Like the default setting is, this must be bad.

[Bill Burr]

This must be bad. We must stop this, this. And if you want to vape, you may vape it. Because it doesn't affect me. It doesn't affect my children, does affect my dog. Doesn't affect my bottom line. But I came up with a product for these people every time they felt like trying to stop any one of us from doing something that doesn't affect them whatsoever. Something they could chew on to stop the crazy craving to stop me from doing what I'm doing, which doesn't affect it. I call it douche. Rat. It's just a gum that douchebags chew.

[Tracy Metro]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

And it just quells that urge to jump onto the Internet or to say things like excuse you, or to say. Or to get that breathy thing. My child is asthmatic. Okay. Yeah.

[Tracy Metro]

It reduces the urge for self righteousness.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. It's literally. It's called douche rat. And you just chew on it every time you have an impulse to stop someone from doing something that doesn't affect you at all. All right. Wow. Let's see. Let's open this envelope. And the winner is. Air B and B. Yeah. Nice. Care is human.

[Tracy Metro]

The gynecology kit is. Is very specific. It's a very target demo. The Airbnb can help a lot of people.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone can enjoy them.

[Tracy Metro]

Society.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I think I could really offer something to that. I'll say this quickly before I have too many IPAs. Smart mouth. That's right. Let's see if you have too many IPAs. Yeah, if you have too many. Smart mouth, it's clinically proven. It instantly eliminates bad breath and prevents bad breath for 12 full hours. I think that's like half a day. You can hit it that night and not wake up with a morning breath. How about that? Activation is key. Two separate liquids. I always tell you guys, whenever you're building, if there's an A and a B, if there's resin and a catalyst, if there's two parts, it's always much better than the one part.

[Brian Bishop]

Activate it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, like when they talk about, like, epoxy or something like that, they go, it's a one part epoxy. It's like two parts. Mix it, activate all the heavy duty stuff. That's what this is. So they take the two parts, they combine them, they get the zinc ions, they stop the bacteria from producing the sulfur gas. And clinically tested, it's science. It works, man. Doesn't matter if you're working out all day or doing donuts in the Lambo like the Ace, man. We'll go look at some Lambos in a minute when we're done here. Next time you're out drinking, smoking, getting high, driving your cab, getting high, use smart mouth before heading out with somebody, man. You may meet someone over the holiday. You want to smell good? Visit smartmouth, smartmouth.com. find it at Walmart, Target, Walgreens, CVS. Everywhere you shop. Smart mouth, baby. All right.

[Tracy Metro]

My child is in the other room and you're talking about getting high.

[Bill Burr]

I was looking at her through the window.

[Gina Grad]

Just adorable.

[Bill Burr]

She is all right.

[Gina Grad]

What's next, Dawson, our second nominee for rant of the year, passive aggressive waitress.

[Bill Burr]

I said to the waitress, I said, I'm gonna go with the two beef tacos a la carte, Just the tacos. And she paused and she went, it comes with rice and beans. And I said, yeah, okay, but I just want the two tacos. That's the other thing I. The other thing that's pissing me off is I'm attempting to be healthy. I'm trying, right? Five minutes later, she delivers both her plates. Mike's with rice and beans, mine without rice and beans. And she went, I was wrong. The tacos don't come with rice and beans. I was like, how little? First off, how many times can you fuck up in this 22nd exchange we're having? We went round and round. The rice and beans maypole, the retarded rice and beans may fall three times. And what we ended up with is no rice and beans. And why do you think rice and beans go with this? Well, here's what I'm saying. Are you super angry at dad and passive aggressive? What is going on in the zeitgeist? You know what I mean? If you really just distill it down to a sort of psychological, what is the fuel that propels this 25 year old imbecile psychologically? Because I said no rice and beans. And she went, mmm, you can't have that. Well, the stuff doesn't come with rice and beans. And all you do is hand out these plates all day long. It's not like every once in a while somebody goes, yeah, give me a quiche. It's pretty much a burrito and enchilada.

[Tracy Metro]

Rice and beans, limited menu.

[Bill Burr]

That's all you do all day. So why are you coming back with whatever I'm saying cannot be done? There's a lot of passive aggressive, angry people out there, and women especially, because they get screwed by daddy. And here comes Daddy. I am Daddy. I'm literally her dad's age. I'm literally her dad's age. And I'm saying to her, no rice and beans. And she's looking at me going, no.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you're getting the rice and beans.

[Bill Burr]

You'Re getting the rice and beans. And rice and beans don't exist on that plate. She's never delivered them with rice and beans, so why does she even know? And if she knows, what does she know? She never delivered it that way. Like, I can give the simple coin toss mistake, but this ain't that. It doesn't come with that she doesn't say. I don't know if it comes with that or some do and some don't. She looks right at me, goes, no, it comes with that. And I go, I don't want it with that. And she goes, it comes with that. Space is saying, f you. Yeah, daddy. It's going on big time. It's going on everywhere. I'm telling you, I know everything. All right.

[Tracy Metro]

Stacked category.

[Bill Burr]

Every year, it keeps getting better. All right, Dawson, keep rolling along to one of the most interesting categories of the evening.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for Caller of the Year are. Abdul Aziz from Saudi Arabia.

[Bill Burr]

American teacher. The first year of college, he told us, like, you need to listen to a lot of English. So I went to the Internet and I searched, and the first thing that came up was the Adam Carolla show. So I started listening. And I've listened to all your books, actually. I've watched your shows. I am a big fan of you, even though maybe politically, I don't agree with your vision of the Middle east, but I don't care. You are funny. I got the don't do your best, do my best T shirts. Wow. Nice. Yes, nice. I. I have it here. I am wearing it. Oh, send us a picture. Yeah, the. The shirt was 19. The shipping was 186.75. Exactly four months to get that. Thank you, Abdul Aziz.

[Gina Grad]

Thank Kathy.

[Bill Burr]

57, Riverside. You're selling surplus goat milk? Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

What do most people do with goat milk? Actually, most of the milk I sell to dog breeders. Is this the only business you're in or is it this and tax preparation? Well, I actually do the goat's milk. We sell that because that supports my horse habit. I have beautiful horses. Breeders. I thought you were talking about straight people. We've been in LA too long. Too long. We got to get out of show business. I'm sorry. My day job is. I own a property management company here in Riverside called Main Street Property management. And we also do rehabs and flipping of houses. I love you, man. We raise our own tilapia style. We raise our own turkeys to eat. What the hell? How do you raise a tilapia? I have a pond, an aquaponics pond, and I raise our own vegetables. I planted a dwarf avocado tree. That's as far as I've got, baby. Let me tell you, when the big cyber attack hits, when it really goes down, I'm coming down for some hass avocados and go. Yeah. You can't come unless you've got a lot of guns. I'll bring guns.

[Tracy Metro]

Prosecutors, of course.

[Bill Burr]

I won't bring an attitude. As an ex prosecutor, I do understand gun legislation. I will bring guns. There's one thing. I'm going to need your work. I need you to build a still. We have a brewery in the G. Where it is. I knew it. All right, I'll be bringing the rest. Grow our own grapes and make our own zinfandel.

[Tracy Metro]

Good Lord. Such a specific grape.

[Bill Burr]

I argue with my wife over aroma. Tomato plant for three years. This is crazy.

[Gina Grad]

Bryce.

[Bill Burr]

I got fired about a month ago from a very well paying gig for doing a Norm MacDonald joke. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's hear the joke. The joke. Well, I know how much Norm hates this, so I'm gonna do the least insulting impression of him as I possibly can.

[Gina Grad]

I'm not gonna do it.

[Bill Burr]

You can do. You can do the Jay Moore. I don't care. But basically, I hosted a show at Harry Potter World. So I got on stage, I introduced the dancers, I go, please welcome the beautiful ladies of the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. I switch from the British accent when I go backstage and not knowing that my microphone is still on. And I said, hey, hey, Kyle, you know this. This Harry Potter guy, you know, he murdered a guy in cold blood back in 88 in a Texas bar fight. And then at that moment, you know, it'd only been like 10 seconds. But that's a long 10 seconds if it's going out to an amusement park. They let you go? I haven't worked since. No. I would feel bad, except you did that impression that you said you weren't gonna do. No, I said I wasn't gonna do the annoying one. That was the toned down one. Let's hear the one that would be insulting. I'm from Canada. I don't really. I don't really understand flossing. You know, all it does is give your. Make your teeth a big mountain of blood. No, you're right. It is more annoying. Bryce, nothing can hold you down if with that kind of range you think he's gonna get work again. You can do everything from norm to super extremely annoying norm. So there's no way you're not gonna land on your feet in this town.

[Gina Grad]

Alfred.

[Bill Burr]

So real quick for Adam, I wanted to ask him what PSAs I should take back with me. Says you're going back to Kenya. Is that where you're from? Yes. Poaching still a problem or have they curbed that poaching? It is still a problem.

[Brian Bishop]

The elephants.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. It also doesn't help that we are Kenyans. We give us a little money and.

[Joe DeRosa]

We just let you do it.

[Bill Burr]

But.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, noted.

[Bill Burr]

There's part of me that kind of likes that. Like I feel like as long as you got 40 bucks in your pocket, you'll never get a speeding ticket in Kenya. Everything's for sale, right? That is true. Traffic laws are suggestions if you have money. You know, let's just say you were drunk and your ostrich was going over 80 miles an hour. I don't know what you guys ride over there.

[Tracy Metro]

Kilometers, but kilometers.

[Brian Bishop]

Be respectful.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever. I don't know, Emu. I don't want to be disrespectful, but you're riding some form.

[Tracy Metro]

Weight bearing bird.

[Bill Burr]

Weight bearing bird. And you're intoxicated, probably for me. Eating fermented hippo flop or something. Or whatever you guys consume over there. And a cop pulled you over on. I guess he would be riding a gazelle on a water buffalo. And you reach in your back pocket, you had to pull out your money stick. We have wallets here, but that's keeping like this scoop.

[Tracy Metro]

Skewer the money with a stick.

[Bill Burr]

It's a stick with. It's called a money stick.

[Tracy Metro]

Do they skewer the money?

[Brian Bishop]

You're picking up trash on the highway.

[Bill Burr]

I'm just thinking wallet is a. Maybe a bridge too far. Yeah. How much in American would it take to get off of that ticket? Okay, first of all, we don't have to be on animals. We. We can speed. Just running. So you can just run, Alfred. That's a good point. You win all the marathons every time.

[Gina Grad]

And Chris.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Chris, 48 from Brooklyn. Yeah, that's me. Hello. What do you drive? What do you drive or who do you drive for? I drive a 18 person, like a commercial vehicle. Basically, I drive old ladies to the senior center and back home. Well, not always back home.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, often it's just one way trips.

[Bill Burr]

Sometimes they just have to fish them out of the pool.

[Tracy Metro]

One way trips.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. All right. Chris, are you married? I'm divorced. Happily divorced. Hold on.

[Tracy Metro]

Come on.

[Bill Burr]

Shocking. Sorry. Hi, Chris. Go ahead. Divorced you? I'm sorry. Okay. I wasn't sure I was listening. No one.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not alone.

[Bill Burr]

You're listening to the sound of me being shocked. What man would pick up and leave all this? All right, sweetie? Yes. Are you single? You out there? You online? We dating? What's going on? Yeah, I'm actually, I'm on match.com. my name is Chrissy K R I S S I look Me up.

[Tracy Metro]

You have your mission, all right?

[Bill Burr]

Now, do they give you.

[Gina Grad]

Do they let you keep the bus.

[Bill Burr]

On the weekends like they do with the Town Car? Guys, you know, when you dance, you roll.

[Brian Bishop]

Road trip.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean? Weekends. Drinking. No, I'm not. I'm not driving on the weekends. This is drinking. Sorry. Quietly.

[Tracy Metro]

Quietly. My favorite category of the night.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm kind of pulling for Kathy.

[Tracy Metro]

I love the color category.

[Bill Burr]

She was excellent. All right.

[Tracy Metro]

It's gotta be Kathy, right?

[Bill Burr]

The winner is Kathy.

[Tracy Metro]

Well deserved. Two time calling the turkeys.

[Brian Bishop]

If we try to send her a trophy, will she say, I actually make my own trophies?

[Bill Burr]

Wow, look at that.

[Tracy Metro]

She built that giant jungle gym. Playground.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God. Beheading it to what a woman. What a woman. All right, Dawson, what's next?

[Gina Grad]

Our third nominee for Rant of the year. Sonny and Natalia's homework Projects.

[Bill Burr]

This goddamn school system. They send these kids home with these projects and the project becomes all consuming. The first thing it does is it creates anxiety in the kids, like the clock is ticking on the project. I literally told my wife, can we do this? When we're done with the projects, instead of have them lean against the wall in the garage until eventually they get water damaged or ran over can we ceremoniously burn them in the pool before we fill it with water? We'll give them, like, a Viking funeral. Because now you have big piles of cardboard with different. You have all these celebrities and all these, you know, historical figures and everything, and they're all stuck to it. And because you had so many arguments and so many hours invested into it you now have this pile of crap that you can't throw away but it'll never go up. It'll never go up anywhere or do anything. Okay, so here it is. It's an assignment. California, here we come. Wildly Creative Social Studies. Visual project. Spring 2000, the winter and the fall one still ringing in my ear because that was a thousand arguments over. We don't have paste, we don't have thing. Where's the crepe paper? Where's the cutout? Where's the. Here. But don't worry, you get options. Paint using oil or watercolors. They're wildly flexible. On a canvas, at least 12 by 16. So if you go 12 by 12, you can't. So they're already saying, you gotta go get a canvas. 12 by 16. And you have to use oil colors and paint. History of. I'm sorry, perspective and topic. So. And be sure to include typewritten explanations on one. Explanations on one. Page your picture. You can use an album and create a scrapbook, eight to 10 pages. You can write a script, film a video of your topic. You can design a quilt. You can build a quilt. You understand I'm doing a remodel. My kitchen is torn apart. The deck is torn apart. The dog is at doggy achievement camp. The pool is torn apart. But I could sew a quilt. I could sew a quilt. I can get in an argument over Natalia about getting the quilt. I can overhear the 3,000, the endless discussions about Natalia yelling at the nanny. We don't have it. Quilt material. Where's the sewing machine? Oh, it gets better. You can do a sculpture.

[Tracy Metro]

This is where the clay arguments the clay.

[Bill Burr]

You're killing families. Like it's not. And by the way, if you're telling us to buy canvases and clay and people have jobs, people have lives, and we send the kids to school for eight hours, and then they come home, and then we gotta start the argument with the acrylic paint and the clay and the statues. How about you get your eight hours and then they can come home? Hey, as I started yelling at Lynette last night, guess who has a project? I do. I'm building a deck. I'm building a contact deck, a goddamn swimming pool, and a goddamn kitchen. That's called a project. Sure it's not Levi Strauss duct tape to piece of cardboard? It's not that important. It's not gonna get the kind of life skills you get out of going to Wikipedia and printing out pictures of Levi Strauss and sticking him to a piece of cardboard. Sure you're not gonna get that. Or building a miniature age quilt. Sure you're not gonna get that. But it's a deck. It's a pool. It's a kitchen remod. How about they get to go home and work on projects that have to do with their life, their family? Maybe they just want to go home and throw the football with dad. Oh, boy. Last night, Sonny said, let's throw the ball, dad. Let's throw the football. And then the voice from the other room, which was Lynette, no way is Sonny throwing that ball because it's Levi Strauss. Piece of crap is due the next day. Stop handing it out. Stop it, Brian. You're gonna discover these motherfucking assholes who have no constraints on time. First off, look, I'm sorry. I don't want to bring this down. You wouldn't be doing what you're doing if you knew what the fuck you were doing in terms of Teaching. You're fucking losers and all you do, but it's this great, it's a perch. You get to sit on top of fucking Mount Pius and deliver your fucking sermons. Sermons. You who make $41,000 a year get to destroy lives who make millions of dollars a year because you don't. The fuck you're doing. You fucked up in your life. You're fuck ups overall and you never stop. And we all have to bow and genuflect to this. Shut up. Just get the fucking kids through school. Let's get the fuck out of here. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're not working in the private sector. You're protected by the unions in the system. Shut the fuck up. Put your head down. Let's get through it. Don't molest the kids and let's just get the fuck out of here, please. It's insane. You have no idea what percentage of your child's life is going to be a monumental waste of your time and their time. It's a huge waste. It's a huge time suck of nothing.

[Tracy Metro]

Is it too late to send her back?

[Brian Bishop]

Can't put her back in. No.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus fucking Christ. SAFE SURRENDER SITES Listen, teachers, I know you don't like this, but you're where you are because things didn't work out. Now shut the fuck up, stick to the plan and just let us get the fuck out of here.

[Tracy Metro]

He's not talking to you, the teacher listening to the show. He's talking to the other bad teachers.

[Brian Bishop]

The one you know, that you hate.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus goddamn Christ. I don't care about any teacher I've ever had. Ever. I've had good ones, I had bad ones. I don't remember any of them. Shut up and let us get to fucking work. That's it. You do nothing. You done nothing. Now, sadly, we've anointed you some sort of, you know, second coming or there's some sort of like, oh, well, these guys are the gatekeepers to everything in life. No, you're not. All we have to do is get through you. You're basically, you're a lateral move from the people who do security at lax. We just need to get past you and get the fuck on to what we're doing.

[Tracy Metro]

Don't screw it up.

[Bill Burr]

Everyone think back in their fourth grade teacher, their fifth grade teacher, their seventh grade teacher, who taught wood shop, who taught whatever, economics, who taught whatever. All we did was get past you and get onto our fucking lives. So please just shut up. I know all you want to do is die because that's why you've chosen this profession. Good. I'm with you. Let's just get the fuck through it and die. Stop handing out the chicken shit. Just stop it. We'll get through it. The kids will never remember your names, never remember who you were. You'll have no influence on them. They'll get the fuck on with their lives. Their biggest influence will be their family and whatever they're watching on tv, and that'll be it.

[Tracy Metro]

Please, Dawson, if you're feeling ambitious, this could be a late entry.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it too late?

[Bill Burr]

Jesus goddamn Christ.

[Tracy Metro]

I love it. Because always this. The rant category always begets more rants.

[Bill Burr]

Well, because we've never taken a bigger pack of losers and infused them with more. Like, you make such a difference. No, you don't. You don't make a difference. Oh, fireman. Okay, fireman. They're all heroes. They're all fucking heroes. They make the difference. Brian, tell me how a fireman has made a difference in your life specifically.

[Tracy Metro]

This is gonna be great. My grandfather was a fire captain.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. All right. In your life?

[Tracy Metro]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

In my view or done something in terms of firemen?

[Tracy Metro]

I cannot remember our interaction.

[Bill Burr]

Anything? Nah. No Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Gina? No.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't recall.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. Me? Nothing. All right, so maybe we can remove the hero mantle from the firemen and how important they are in our life. Do the same thing with fucking teachers. Just shut up and let us get through you. Just let us get through you and get to our lives. Yeah, that's all.

[Tracy Metro]

That was a pretty epic point. Shit, though. Fireman was important in my life. My grandfather's a firecap.

[Brian Bishop]

I loved him dearly. We tear up that envelope because I think we have a winner. This will be the second choice.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Now, what's next? Sorry, Dawson. Jesus Christ.

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for Best Interview are. Russell Simmons, you're a guy who starts.

[Bill Burr]

Off with nothing and is now. Now has everything. How does one make that journey? He didn't grow up with any special privilege or training or anything. Well, I can tell you now when you say has everything. I still struggle with some things, but I learned that having everything as a comfortable seat and all of the work that we're doing, all the money we're trying to raise, all the companies we're trying to build, all of the shit we're trying to do is to be comfortable, at ease in our space. And the seconds we have at ease.

[Joe DeRosa]

The presence, the awakened seconds are what life's about.

[Bill Burr]

Happiness Right. Anything else is bullshit. So all of the outside is nothing. So getting stuff sometimes, sometimes contributes to sadness to some people. And getting stuff as part of a cycle of giving sometimes can be part of the process of making you happy. But nothing that they give you can make you happy. Yeah, that's an inside job. So I. I learned that that takes years. I mean, obviously, experiences of getting stuff is one way of learning, and the experience of not having anything, of course, is another way of accepting that happiness. Happiness comes from inside out. And I always say, like, no matter how many seats you have in your house, you can only sit your ass in one at a time, no matter how rich you are. One seat or one ass. And you have to learn to be comfortable in that seat. Norm MacDonald, we got a guy who's been a hole for a million years, but in an interview with HuffPost Live, talking about when you hosted SNL. Yeah. You said that you had an idea that you're going to just leave, even not do the rest of the show. You said that. So, like, someone talked you out of it, and I was just wondering who that was that talked you out of it. It was like there was three writers that were. I, I didn't use any of the writers from Saturday Night Live. Instead, I picked, you know, these three genius writers that used to write on Saturday night. So we wrote the whole show. And so the writers really hated us. And anyway, but that was my idea. I was like, yeah, I'll just do the monologue and leave. And. And great. It's a great idea. And then I thought it would be really good for the show. You know, I mean, a ton of press, make huge news. And also, they would have to, you know, they would have to, on the fly, change sketches and stuff. It would be very exciting. You know, Pharaoh would have to jump in and, you know, be. Take my role. Yeah. And, you know, Sherry O'Terry would have to be Burt Reynolds or something, you know, and. And then I thought. And then one writer said, you know, you're. I explained that to him and he said, well, you're. You're saying, like, you're gonna do something that's gonna be good for snl. And then you're. You're gonna. It's gonna be really bad for you. And you could be just walking out of show business if you do that.

[Gina Grad]

Will you, Shatner?

[Bill Burr]

We who are not addicted can't understand that. Why don't you stop? Just say no. Sure. And we don't understand the inability to say no until. Until when? My Wife died, and the pain I felt, I thought, oh, my God, I'll bet that's the kind of pain she felt. And I would do anything to assuage the pain I felt of her death. I was now in touch with the agony that an addict must feel from time to time of that shame and the desire to change. So for you, are you trying to constantly get her to rehab or change or plan interventions? Oh, constantly. Psychiatrists, therapists, rehab homes, all of it. And. And that was. That was. Was the whole thing. You see, Leonard was helping me all this time. I would say, why can you go 30 days to a rehab and on the 31st day, need a drink? I mean, why can't you go 31.

[Gina Grad]

Days, and then if you can go 31, 32?

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that's what they do day by day. And Leonard had the strength of character. When his wife said to Leonard, if you're. Are you happy now? He had remarried. He said, yeah. And she said, well, if you're so happy, why are you drinking? And he said to me, I thought, yeah, why am I drinking? And he stopped drinking, but he didn't stop smoking, and that's what killed him. Glenn Beck. I'm good friends with Penn Jillette. He's a state. Yeah, he's Satan. Handmaid's biggest handmade. He's. You know what? He's more moral than most of the people I know that are in religion. Penn and I, when we first met, I was huge fan of his. Had him on for a full hour, and we had a great conversation. And at the end of it, I said, hey, Penn, next time you're in town, let's go have dinner. And he looked at me. Now, this is right after. You know, this is a couple years after September 11th. And he looked at me and he said, are you kidding, man? I'm not doing dinner with you. From perfectly nice to really hostile all of a sudden. And I said, no. I said, okay. And he said. I said, I. I'm sorry, I've. I. What. What's the problem? And he said, you're a religious guy. You're a religious friend. And I think that religion is a disease. Look what the hell's happened to our. Our country? And it's all because of religion. It's a disease. And he turned around and walked away. And I was. And I. As he turned around, I said to him, you know, Penn, I've always thought many things about you, but I never thought you were a bigot. And he walked out of the studio and never I didn't think we would ever talk to each other again. We fought, fostered a friendship over the years, and we don't agree on a lot of stuff. But I don't know when America became this place where we have to agree on what certain policies are or how or who you vote for. We. They're bigger principles. Are you a decent human being? Are you trying to be a better person? Do you tell the truth? You know, can I leave my children with you and know that they were safe in a case of an emergency? Can't. Can we get back to that? America and everything else will work itself out.

[Gina Grad]

And alec Baldwin.

[Bill Burr]

You're 59. I'll be 59 in April. You'll be 59. So back when you were 51, are you different? Well, I think that, you know, when I turn 50, and I don't try to explain this, I don't.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, it really surprised me.

[Bill Burr]

Even I was really flipped out. I couldn't believe it. When I turned 30, I thought, wow, that really hit me too. I thought, my youth is over. I'm not really young anymore. When you're 30, you're young, but you feel like you're getting older. When I turned 40, I was elated, I was euphoric. I thought, God, I really beginning to understand who I am and what I'm doing, and maybe I'm getting better at it and I'm learning how to become a better actor or what have you. When I turned 50, I wanted to shoot myself.

[Gina Grad]

I was so depressed.

[Bill Burr]

I laid in bed for like two days, going, crying. I going, this can't be. I mean, I'm really seeing over the top of the mountain now, and there's.

[Gina Grad]

More days behind me than there are.

[Bill Burr]

Ahead of me, blah, blah, blah. And. And now I'm just completely juiced again. I'm married. I got three kids. I've got a. I've got four enormous five, including my other. My other daughter, Ireland.

[Gina Grad]

I've got five reasons to take better.

[Bill Burr]

Care of myself and to stay alive and to keep working.

[Gina Grad]

And I really.

[Bill Burr]

The way that I'm different is I'm. I have a family. I have a family, which I. I had a family, and then that all went away.

[Gina Grad]

I grew up in a family.

[Bill Burr]

And I realize now how much I missed that. I mean, I love coming home. And even though it's challenging and even.

[Gina Grad]

Though my wife and I, you know.

[Bill Burr]

We work hard and at the end.

[Gina Grad]

Of the day, I'm getting stunned, stomped.

[Bill Burr]

To death, you know, by my son, he's Just so incredible. Sure. But I'm just. I put the key in the door and I know there's something I love more than anything on the other side of that door. So I'm happy. It's really a privilege to get into all this stuff with all these people. Right. I mean it's really. It's really cool to hear what they have to say.

[Brian Bishop]

Deep dive intimate. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I do love that more than doing like a late night talk show situation.

[Tracy Metro]

Five good bits here. So anything crazy happened at the set of your last movie?

[Bill Burr]

No, I really, I. I find it profound. Like it's really interesting when Alec Baldwin's talking about turning the key to his door and what's on the other side of it. All right, let's see who won this bad boy. Alec Baldwin, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Well deserved.

[Tracy Metro]

That trip to New York was worth it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Was that from New York?

[Tracy Metro]

Right?

[Bill Burr]

I guess it was.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Didn't we? You left from Texas.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Tracy Metro]

Belly full of barbecue.

[Bill Burr]

Can't remember. Belly full of barbecue. All right, what's next? Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

In a private ceremony held earlier daytime ACE awards were given out in the following categories. Best science program.

[Bill Burr]

Consider long ago. Yeah. They would toss virgins to the volcanoes on the grounds that the virgin was this cherished thing in. In your society. I don't know if that's still the case.

[Brian Bishop]

It's gone the way the dodo.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. It's. It's like, do you really want to be with a virgin? It's like. No. Give me somebody who knows what the hell they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mean to give you top cover for whatever nasty stuff you're doing. No.

[Gina Grad]

But I get it.

[Bill Burr]

Like the Tyson said, the volcano God doesn't want a blow job from a chicken braces. We want to. We want a tramp stamp on. On that ass. Yeah. That's just. It's a. It's a. It's an outdated by way. It's an extinct premise for how you might appease the gods. That's all I'm trying to say. So it might be something like, hey, we're looking for folks to dump in the volcano. Let me see a twerk. Sweetie.

[Gina Grad]

Best diet discussion.

[Bill Burr]

We've been traveling with Dawson for years now. I've known Dawson for years. Dawson, you are the guy I love to hate because you can tell me what you had for breakfast this morning.

[Gina Grad]

Eggs Benedict with hash Browns and a V8.

[Bill Burr]

Right. Why the aren't you fat? Dawson, why aren't you fat? You eat whatever you want. Right? Yes. I Do. Okay, your exercise is basically opening packs of cigarettes and then flicking the cigarettes and. And flipping. Flicking lighters. Right.

[Gina Grad]

And the remote control.

[Bill Burr]

And the remote control. You do no exercise. No.

[Tracy Metro]

When he diets, he switches to marble lights.

[Bill Burr]

God, Dawson, you're the old school dude that can eat whatever, whenever, except for. And never get fat.

[Gina Grad]

Precisely.

[Bill Burr]

Wow. Dawson, if you live four minutes longer than me, I will come back from the grave and kill your family. I will be so pissed.

[Gina Grad]

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, I'm not. Because I will be. I will be outraged if I die before you. That'll be my lab. That's I'm on my bed and I'm holding my children's hand. I'll be like, is Dawson still alive? And they'll go, yeah, he's smoking out front of the hospital.

[Gina Grad]

For best political punditry, Republican Representative Richard Martin.

[Bill Burr]

I don't describe. Discriminate. Huh.

[Gina Grad]

I hate all non Christians.

[Bill Burr]

Right. Okay, so you don't single out a group.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, if Christians. Non Christians were supposed to be in this country, why would Jesus have written the Constitution?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, touche.

[Tracy Metro]

It's a good point.

[Bill Burr]

I don't. Well, all right, so I don't want to argue, but then, like, when Trump says he doesn't want any of the folks. Folks of the Muslim faith coming into the country, is that something you would support?

[Gina Grad]

Amen.

[Bill Burr]

And he talks about, you know, when we get a terrorist, we should not.

[Gina Grad]

Only kill them, but we should kill their family. I don't think that goes far enough. I think we should kill all their friends on Facebook. And for best election ad, Adam Ray as Tony Danza. If Donald Trump becomes president, I will do the punch myself in the eye with a spoon, move to Barcelona, drink.

[Bill Burr]

A bottle of rum, then eat a homeless man's fart, scream at a wall, get into a heated argument with a.

[Gina Grad]

Stranger in a hot tub, cut my.

[Bill Burr]

Dick off, rip my dick off, jump into a fire, fight that guy in the hot tub some more, let a pit bull bite my dick off, shove.

[Gina Grad]

A fat kid into a race red.

[Bill Burr]

Tube slide at McDonald's and have him be stuck there for a while. Prank call my old middle school principal.

[Gina Grad]

And tell her she's a fat, sneeze into a pregnant lady's mouth and throw.

[Bill Burr]

A bunch of Skittles at a midget's house.

[Gina Grad]

So come on, let's fix America.

[Bill Burr]

Vote no on Donald Trump.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow, a lot of good honors.

[Bill Burr]

Didn't even know that one was coming. All Right. So that was just a bonus category previously awarded.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they don't televise, though.

[Bill Burr]

All right, let's. Kathy Griffin hosted that one, probably. Okay. All right, let's. Let's go for the next.

[Gina Grad]

Our fourth nominee for Rant of the Year, Mayor Garcetti and runaway Production.

[Bill Burr]

It was so funny to hear Garcetti. Mayor Garcetti, a couple of days back, he was like, we're adjusting the tax rates and these runaway productions we're bringing back to Los Angeles. In the past, we were a little bit lazy. And I said, the fuck you were. It's called greedy, ass wipe. Not lazy. Lazy is. Oh, you want a permit to shoot? What do you even need a permit for? Just go shoot. Just go shoot. Lazy is. You want to shoot on Hollywood Boulevard. Shoot on Hollywood Boulevard. Greedy is what you were, Garcetti. Not lazy. Super motivated and greedy. Lazy as. I'm gonna have another iced tea. Go shoot your production. Not lazy. Greedy. The fact that they can't even call themselves that is the insane part. F you, Garcetti. Jesus goddamn Christ. At least call you what you were super greedy. Money grabbing. You drove everyone out of state and out of the country to shoot, and now you missed the revenue, so you have to get it back. So you have to start. But don't say lazy. Garcetti said they've been lazy. No, you're gouging and raping. You're not lazy. You're. You're the opposite of lazy. You're overactive, Right? Late. A little bit lazy. You, Garcetti, you guys all hate politicians now, right? Like, I can't be the other one. Politicians, like, Garcetti's not stupid, so he's lying, right? We've been a little bit lazy in the past. Like, nothing to do with lazy. Just fucking gouge it. Just gouge.

[Tracy Metro]

We've been gouging wrong, so we're gonna fix that, right?

[Bill Burr]

Wouldn't it be just a little bit refreshing if they just went like, look, we're.

[Brian Bishop]

Hands in the cookie jar.

[Bill Burr]

Hands in the cookie jar, and we'd like people to come back now. And so, well, let's. Can they just at least own up to anything?

[Tracy Metro]

Be refreshing.

[Bill Burr]

Well, we love sports, right? And in sports, oftentimes they go like, I was a little this or I was a little that. I was a little whatever. And, you know, we're going to correct this or we're going to whatever. Can they just do that little accountability run?

[Tracy Metro]

Blocking wasn't up to snuff. We're going to fix that. Fragrance game.

[Bill Burr]

Well, here's the thing. Yes. Accountability. Because if you look at what you were doing as lazy, which, in fact, it was rapey, not lazy, then you're essentially saying, either I'm a fucking liar or I have no idea what I'm doing. And as a citizen, I would like to think of you as someone who knew what they were doing, right? So instead of just lying a second time, just go like, hey, we did this. We thought it would do that. It didn't work out.

[Tracy Metro]

Lesson learned.

[Bill Burr]

Direction. And we're changing direction. And then as a citizen who pays taxes, I'd go, oh, okay, good. But you lying makes me even more nervous because now I'm thinking, like, I don't know what the fuck you're. Now I'm thinking you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

[Tracy Metro]

You're questioning the competence.

[Brian Bishop]

We have two problems.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ. It's so fucking sad. Like, yes, you gouge people leave. The people that leave are Hollywood people. These aren't guys who manufacture metal. They're not like, well, we make I beams and aluminum siding. It's like, you guys make movies of the week and you guys are leaving. So is there anyone else who will leave if you. So if you can get Samuel L. Jackson to leave, you don't think you can get Toyota, Nissan to leave? Okay, good. All right. Jesus Christ. It's weird. Okay. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Put yourself in a better mood.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Squatty Potty. Now I'm in a better mood. Ah, holiday season. Nothing says I love you like the gift of complete elimination. I like to do that with Garcetti. Experience a healthy toilet posture with the original Squatty Potty. Somebody tweeted me a picture. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is like at Costco. They were, like, stacked, stacked. A wall display. That's right. Why not? Why not? Yeah. Faster, easier, more complete poop time. Based on science, recommended by doctors and healthcare professionals. Helps anyone who might suffer from constipation, hemorrhoids, too much straining on the commode. Like you may know little IPA come back up on me.

[Tracy Metro]

Barbecue.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Ooh, that's coming up. But we're gonna go eat a lot of barbecue after this. And we're gonna need to be in the right posture staff. Bonus squatty bodies that' get five star reviews on Amazon. Go to Squatty Potty.com, use the code Adam 25% off your entire order, free shipping. Ah, well, why not? All right, so that's squattypotty.com. enter Adam, 25% off shipping. All right. Do we need to take a break? All right, quick break. Right back now. What do we got left?

[Gina Grad]

Coming up, we got the drops category, the outstanding achievement in on a point or story. We'll also go through some of the songs of the Adam Carolla show the last year. And we will come right back with the Ace Academy for the Recording arts and sciences award right after this.

[Bill Burr]

Right after this. At great clips, they want you to love your hair. That's why they've created clipnotes. Oh, it's diabolically simple. But geniuses over there, they take notes, they figure out what you like, and then they log it in. And then every time, everywhere, you get the haircut you want. With clipnotes, no matter which stylist cuts your hair, you get the great haircut you want every time. Great clips. It's going to be great.

[Gina Grad]

Earlier this month, awards were handed out by the Ace Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences in the following musical categories. Best rap album.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what brie etiquette is, but you can't go. What do you do? Get a pencil and try to dig out what you broke off in debris at the party. You can't do it when they've contributed.

[Tracy Metro]

To the Brie at that point, you.

[Bill Burr]

Know, they need the debris. Ah, the debris. We need a. Not a bad rapper name either. Debris. I need Debris album. Yo, this debris. My new album releases next month called cutting cheese. Cheddar, Cheddar, Cheddar. I say brie, you say Brie.

[Gina Grad]

Breathe.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I'm saying. Drop dropping this month.

[Gina Grad]

Best musical critique.

[Brian Bishop]

Corey Feldman back on the Today show and his angels went with him. He returned Thursday for an encore performance and a chance to redeem himself for his bizarre performance last month.

[Bill Burr]

Here's a clip. You know, there should be. There should be basically a breathalyzer for singing because we do run into a lot of horrible singers. And it's. That's because nobody tells them. But nobody's gonna tell them because you're on the payroll or you're off. If you pipe up, there should be just something you sing into a tuner. It doesn't care who you are, what you did as a child, ethnicity, religion, whatever. You just sing into it and it'll just tell you whether you can sing or not.

[Gina Grad]

A long time ago, they had one of those. It was called a microphone.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Tracy Metro]

Dawson bringing the heat.

[Brian Bishop]

Zing.

[Tracy Metro]

Bringing the heat.

[Gina Grad]

For best country music performance, Wheeler Walker Jr.

[Bill Burr]

Now you're gone. I'm by myself jerking off to pictures on Myself. But before I swap on your face that scrap. You. You broke my heart. Your friends for tearing us apart. Hope he never comes home. You hope you wind up alone.

[Gina Grad]

Best use of a trumpet mouthpiece.

[Bill Burr]

We used to. When Joel would come on, he would do my dad speaking to me through his mouthpiece, which. I don't know. I was thinking about it the other day. I was thinking, how did we even do this? I don't know how worked. I wrote four books. Have you. Have you had a chance to look at them? Or is that. That's all four. No, two to the last two or all four. Wow. So nothing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. All right. Well. Not a reading guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like, you try.

[Gina Grad]

Best rewrite of a Hall and Oats song.

[Bill Burr]

Man Eater. Oh, every.

[Tracy Metro]

Oh, that's a closer.

[Bill Burr]

It's an opener. Closer. Keep it as a closer so I can get the. Out of there. I'll beat everyone to the parking lot. I'll start my song with, Whoa, whoa, here I go. Watch out, folks, I'm taking a leap. Then it's to the car. They're playing Man Eater anyway.

[Tracy Metro]

Oh, there he goes.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ.

[Gina Grad]

Worst recording session.

[Bill Burr]

Just. Yeah, let's bring that to the top. Let's get a base. More bass, if you don't mind. And then some treble. Oh, there you go. There we go. I like that. Yeah. Keep it clean, bug. She got a pushy py. Yeah. All right, hold on a second.

[Gina Grad]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

I like the sticker mat. Let me. Let's just lay it down and, you know, just go ahead and have fun with it. Lay it down, and we'll see if we can go back. I'm having a lot of fun, but you keep an eating rap. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I talk all day. Same thing. I don't go, hey, there. Your opinion don't mean it's going to be a long time. You say all your things. I come in here. Hey, who give a. What you say? I'm one of the founding members. No one give a. Maybe this tour thing isn't a great idea. No, it is a good thing if you give me a chance. You take it from the top. Yeah, take it from the top. Bring it a Treble up a little louder so I can hear my voice and. Well, maybe you can shut the upper.

[Gina Grad]

And for best performance by a duo or group, Lisa Loeb and some drunk chick.

[Bill Burr]

I'm starting to ignore you. Ignore you. I would never.

[Adam Carolla]

I doubted you.

[Bill Burr]

So long. I Doubt you so long I'm tired.

[Adam Carolla]

Of overthinking oh, and I know you don't belong.

[Bill Burr]

This is an improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Feels this way sometimes.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody feels this way.

[Brian Bishop]

And I do.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't hear it, but I do.

[Bill Burr]

You don't seem angry.

[Adam Carolla]

But I do anger at you.

[Bill Burr]

I will never be angry at you. I do. I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the big finale.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Bill Burr]

I would never do this without you. I love you, honey. I love you. All right. Sorry, am I. Hold on a second.

[Brian Bishop]

Refreshing.

[Bill Burr]

Wait, Dawson, what's the category?

[Brian Bishop]

Those are early.

[Gina Grad]

Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.

[Bill Burr]

I was looking for best song. Sorry, I opened best song. All right, I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

[Gina Grad]

Well, speaking of the nominees for record of the year are Rich Banks and Mike Lynch.

[Bill Burr]

You have any idea what line four's name is? Hi. Hi. Sorry. Hi. What's your name?

[Tracy Metro]

Faith's hot.

[Bill Burr]

It's Faith James. Like, is it Faith?

[Tracy Metro]

It's Faith.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. Yeah, okay. You don't hit the L very hard in that. To be fair to Kay.

[Tracy Metro]

It really doesn't, huh?

[Bill Burr]

It's. It's Faith, right? I guess it would be nice if kin could hear names property. I type so awkwardly when screaming the.

[Gina Grad]

Calls but it isn't all his fault.

[Bill Burr]

Before you give him too much ego, call him an idiot cuz Adam up too. Oh, Adam. Add some letters that are in that name. Put in an L that just don't belong. I'm on cold medicine to be fair to me killing ph he f2bl like two second graders with a touch of down syndrome. Cause neither can spell Faith. Yes, neither can spell Faith. Faith can't spell Faith. Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith. Is it Faith or is it Faith?

[Tracy Metro]

These are dark days.

[Bill Burr]

There's no it's not filth cuz repeated.

[Joe DeRosa]

The ph but now realized that the.

[Bill Burr]

P and T sounded familiar. So I kept repeating Faith.

[Tracy Metro]

This is the greatest moment podcast history.

[Bill Burr]

Faith.

[Brian Bishop]

Does that help?

[Bill Burr]

Faith, but no Faith.

[Gina Grad]

Mike Dawson.

[Bill Burr]

I moved on her actually, you know, she was down in Palm Beach.

[Joe DeRosa]

I moved on her and I failed.

[Bill Burr]

I'll admit it. I did try and her she was married. Huge news era. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping every now she wanted to get some furniture. I said I'll show you where they have some nice furniture. I couldn't get there. And she was married. I moved on her like a.

[Tracy Metro]

I.

[Bill Burr]

Did try and her it soon take so much. She's your girl's hottest. We forget to touch. She's now got the big phony pits and everything. She's totally changed her look. No, it's time for me to say I did try and it Whoa. Yes. Whoa. Yes. The Donald escort Grab by the whoa. I moved in her like a whoa. She's your girl's hot as Grabbed by the yes. The Donald is scored. Grabbed by the whoa. I'm more moved on her like a Whoa. She's your girl's hottest. Grab him by the yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

The doll is good.

[Bill Burr]

Melania said this was okay. Grab him by the. You know Billy Bush. Come on, shorty. Grab him by the Whoa.

[Joe DeRosa]

If you had to choose honestly between.

[Gina Grad]

One of us me or the dog.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no. That's self competition. Yeah, seriously.

[Tracy Metro]

You had to.

[Gina Grad]

You had to take one of us as a date.

[Bill Burr]

That's take fifth on that one.

[Tracy Metro]

I'm not laughing because that's our president draw on the list.

[Gina Grad]

And Mike lynch.

[Bill Burr]

Because he's picking his lunch is plain Cheerios Eats pizza without cheese because he eats hot dogs from the middle out Must have a mental disease because he's his taste bud are so he won't eat a pie because he's Andrew's eating is so weird Like a toddler who is high.

[Gina Grad]

Rich Banks and Mike lynch can we make a.

[Bill Burr]

A moratorium slash band on goddamn Alvara street the San Fernando Valley's turned into Tijuana how about I we launch Honky Avenue Just rich whitey lounging with like a mint julep There is a street called Alvaro with lots of Mexican shit.

[Tracy Metro]

To be found A poncho it's like a rug you can wear but nowadays.

[Bill Burr]

In Los Angeles that could be any street in the town and so we gotta walk down to Honky Avenue Olvera street for whitey oh, we gonna rock down to Hunky Avenue Dave Matthews plays there nightly Never ending Dave Matthews stores are selling gold cufflinks two guys who own an NFL team a $12 chai tea for your drink It's a Donald Trump wet dream Good God. We're gonna rock down to Honky Avenue Free parking for your Tesla we gonna rock down to Hunky Avenue It's a white people fiesta Funky street everybody. There we go.

[Gina Grad]

And Rich Banks and Mike lynch.

[Bill Burr]

These pube curls growing something for math and cheeses Sweating swampy. His ass has got to smell shitty his musk is strong like a sumo stone he stinks so bad but he's witty Smell like clam like the boots of a fisherman his nuts smell like clams make my nose Wanna retire? Man, his junk re. It's like clams. Ain't no showers for the ace, man, his false smell like clam. Jesus, Adam, just watch. Come on. Jesus, Adam. Just watch.

[Tracy Metro]

Strong year for songs.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, man, please. I gotta say, I was delighted because I saw Dawson dump a Sprite into his glass and I was like, what the hell's going on with this? And then a second later, the Mangria bottle.

[Brian Bishop]

There it is, a nice spritzer came.

[Bill Burr]

Over the top of it. And I was like, now we're back. Now we're back.

[Gina Grad]

This shit's dangerous.

[Bill Burr]

But when I saw you just dump the Sprite can into your glass, I was like, what the hell's going on with Dawson? And then when the Mangria bottle came, I was like, oh, yeah. Out of a mug.

[Tracy Metro]

An Evangel the Body Snatchers moment.

[Bill Burr]

Powerful. All right, wait a minute, Dawson. Do I have.

[Tracy Metro]

Didn't you set it aside?

[Bill Burr]

I got song of the year.

[Tracy Metro]

You saw you set it aside for a second.

[Bill Burr]

You already opened it. Oh, I already opened it. Oh, sorry. Okay. Best song of the year. Best Rich Banks and Mike Lynch. Honky Avenue.

[Brian Bishop]

Bit of an upset, bit of a sleeper.

[Tracy Metro]

That was excellent. But my heart's up to Downtown Falk Clams.

[Bill Burr]

A lot of good stuff going on. Fisherman's Boot. I mean, a lot of stuff. All right, what's next, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

Our fifth nominee for rant of the year. LAPD shooting and the racial news narrative.

[Bill Burr]

Black leaders. Are you listening? The DA in LA decided to not file charges against the cops that fired 107 rounds into the back of a pickup truck.

[Tracy Metro]

Oh, the Dorner.

[Brian Bishop]

When they were looking, they thought it was Dorner.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Tracy Metro]

A black guy.

[Bill Burr]

A huge black man. This is a 71 year old Hispanic woman and her 47 year old Hispanic daughter delivering newspapers. But if these two in this car.

[Tracy Metro]

Were black, there might be a. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Might, I would argue. Look, this is. This is more egregious than men. Many of the things that have burnt down many a shopping center. This is. This ain't 15 rounds. It's not 18 rounds. And this isn't struggling with. And choked out. This is over 100 rounds into the back of two people who aren't the right sex.

[Tracy Metro]

Yep. Gender, ethnicity, truck, anything.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, okay. And this not really discussed too much in national news because we have a narrative to follow. This doesn't fit narrative. This is cops, probably some black, some Hispanic, some everything, shooting Hispanic women. That doesn't fall under the heading of our narrative. We need a black teenager. Obama's not Gonna have a beer with these two? Fuck no. All right, so doesn't land in narrative. Narrative, thus doesn't make it onto the news. Thus how are we gonna confuse and poison everyone's mind? Because in a way, what you're doing CNN and everyone else is. You're poisoning people. You are making my 9 year olds grow up in an environment where they think cops hate black people. People. And you are making black people think cops hate black people. And you are making cops think that black people think they hate them all because you have a narrative that you won't let go. Assholes. All right, I agree with me. Barbecue's heating up in the other. No need to look for one of those envelopes. Yeah, I got it. What's next, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for outstanding achievement in Shitting on a Point or Story are.

[Bill Burr]

Ray Oldhoffer. Like Vinnie Tortorich says, you know, people don't. People are getting fat eating all these carbs because fat has the word fat in it. Fat's actually good for you, but it's got the word fat in it, so people are scared of it. You see what I'm saying?

[Tracy Metro]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

I eat a lot of fat. Ray, when did you complete your groundlings training? You understand what I'm saying to you? Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Go get revved up. Get revved up. No, you make a point to me. Make a point to me. Make a point to me, Matt. Make a point to me. Don't do about keeping your car clean or Keep your car clean or polishing your shoes or washing your hands. Just make a point to me. I gotcha. Make a point to me. If your car is clean, you're gonna be a much happier person. Okay, I have a dirty car.

[Tracy Metro]

But that was suddenly the funniest part. Make a point to me.

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Nope. Dick. No wonder he's a D minor student. No, he wasn't.

[Tracy Metro]

Says the D plus student.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, well, at least I showed up and earned my deed.

[Tracy Metro]

That's right.

[Bill Burr]

Ray didn't even show up. Still moved along. Who would want to? You want to know that? Nobody. Like, in terms of Ray repeating a grade, do you think Mr. Spaeth wanted Ray again? Like, everyone was like. It was like having a bobcat stay another night in your tent.

[Gina Grad]

Mike Dawson.

[Bill Burr]

We're walking through High Holland and we passed the shop, me and Mike August Dawson. Were you walking with us? Yeah, I was. And we passed the halva shop, and I said, oh, it's halva. And none of the other adult males had any idea what the I was talking about. And no one had ever tried. It basically tastes like you poured honey into sand and then shaped it into a brick. And they were like, the Jews never stop punishing themselves, do they? They could get a Hershey's Bar, but instead they're like, nah, we got to pour honey into sand and then shape it like a brick. We'll. We'll eat that. It'll scratch up the roof of our mouth. It's a weird. It's weird. I kind of like it, but it's really good. It's, like, addictive. Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it was great.

[Bill Burr]

He always knows where I'm going with this stuff. It's not good.

[Tracy Metro]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

And no one else liked it, but, Dawson, I thought everybody liked it. Okay, Dawson, Dawson, remember the conversation about why Jews have to punish themselves? It's all right. Jesus.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I do.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. It was based on halva.

[Gina Grad]

And caller Brian.

[Bill Burr]

We had a bear attack out here in Southern California. I'll bet you, statistically, moose attack more human beings a year than bear.

[Tracy Metro]

Ooh, really?

[Bill Burr]

I'm going to go on a weird thing and say that it's never been depicted in a movie, but I've seen hundreds of bear attacks depicted in movies.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, and moose can cause a lot of carnage with those antlers.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, they'll tell you the. The moose, that is the hippo of North America. Right? The one where they go, oh, no. Oh, no. The one you need to fear. Oh, no, not the lion. You know, not the gorilla. It's the. It's a hippo. Hippo kills most people. Yeah, I think. Think. I think the moose. I think that's our North America's hippo.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll buy that.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Brian. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Hey, Ace. Thanks for having me. Sure. Been a fan of yours since the Loveline days. Thank you. And interestingly, also, a bear attack survivor in the Glacier National park in 2000. That's not what I was calling about. When did you graduate the ground shift? Hold on, I gotta keep going. I find a guy's attack, three mooses. Wait a minute. What. What happened with the. With the bear attack? So I just gotten married, and I was just saying it was impossible for anyone to really be attacked by a bear. Statistically. Yep. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

One out of five columns.

[Bill Burr]

That was how many seconds before I.

[Tracy Metro]

Potted you up Once again, a guy named Brian shooting at your point.

[Bill Burr]

I brought the last. That was the last thing that came out of my mouth before I hit line number two. Okay, that was. All right, let's open the envelope, see a point. Oh, this is A tight race here, Ray. Old hoffer, everybody.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a lifetime achievement award, right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Yeah. Really is. He's done so much over the years. All right.

[Tracy Metro]

Real point of shame for me not to be nominated this year.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Brian was nominated.

[Tracy Metro]

You know, much like Notre Dame fans think their team's number one even though they're not ball eligible year after year, it's like time. Take a look in the mirror, you know what I mean? After not getting even nominated, do better. I promise to triple down next year. 2017, the year of the point shooting.

[Bill Burr]

What's next, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

At the Technical and Creative Arts Aces held earlier this year, awards were given out in the following categories for best insult by a guest. Anna Faris.

[Bill Burr]

You know when you're, like, kind of getting at something with somebody and you go, whatever. It's like, where'd you get those shoes? Or, what's the story behind that? Or what's. How do we do. They go, hey, I'm wearing them, aren't I? Like, they're not answering. They're not addressing what you're. We. Adam, question. Let's back it up. When have you ever asked a question? What? Wow, that's a man. Korea.

[Gina Grad]

Best insult by a caller. Jesse.

[Bill Burr]

Question is, yeah, basically, you're. I mean, you're no Aaron Sorkin, but you still. You write good movies. I. I like Sorkin.

[Brian Bishop]

What other compliments you got?

[Tracy Metro]

That it's coming out hot?

[Bill Burr]

Just took a dump on my career.

[Gina Grad]

Best insult by a child. Sunny Corolla.

[Bill Burr]

Sonny, don't be a snob. I don't do any eggs. She drops in the pan. She beats it on the compliment. I appreciate it, but you could compliment your mother, too. Compliment your mother, would you? Okay. All right. She the greatest mom you have? Well, I've only had one mom so far. Yeah. So by reasonable deduction, Sonny, so far.

[Gina Grad]

That was great for worst diction. Dr. Bruce.

[Bill Burr]

I think the other interesting topic is the whole prince debacle. From the standpoint, when he went to the emergency room, they had to stop the flight. How about your debacle Debacle? How about the Dr. Bruce debacle?

[Gina Grad]

Worst Freudian slip.

[Bill Burr]

I. I agree. And when I welcome people into my home where I rape my children, I will not have them. No, he said raised. I said where I raised.

[Tracy Metro]

Okay?

[Bill Burr]

Because it sounded. It sounded like rape.

[Tracy Metro]

I heard it, too.

[Brian Bishop]

What's wrong?

[Bill Burr]

That is weird.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't forget you're thinking about this during the show.

[Bill Burr]

There was one class I did complete in LA Valley College. It was called Voice and diction. Elocution. My dear boys, I do this for a living. I think I know what comes out of my mouth. Check the tape. Or Google that. Mark that. Google it. Don't just Google it. Just go ahead and Google it up. Look it up. All right. Anyway. May I continue? Okay. And get your head heads out. I got it.

[Tracy Metro]

We're in your home.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. When I invite people into my home where I rape my children, I'm telling.

[Brian Bishop]

You, Dawson, I heard it that time market.

[Bill Burr]

All right, now you're. Hold on a second. Let me explain something because I.

[Gina Grad]

The Bros before hoes award went to the deaf frat guy.

[Bill Burr]

Can we do a little jv Are all balls. Can I clear the air first? People. You know, it had been a long time, people going, what is up with you with the acs? Why they haven't been on the show? Are you on probation? I want to clear something up. Dude, between you and me, straight on. Knowing you for a long time. Yeah. I did not tag. Lynette. What people are saying that I didn't do it. That I remember. Well, you, you do black out when you drink that. Did I? Not to my. I wouldn't do that to you. Right. But people think that's why I haven't been on this joke. I want to tell them not true to my knowledge. But I don't know because I like to party. Right now I have an apology.

[Gina Grad]

And the radio program director's award for most calls taken went to Adam Carolla.

[Bill Burr]

All right, I want to get to all this stuff. I feel bad for people have been on hold, so I'm gonna real fast. I'm not even gonna talk to him. Ben. Sorry for being on hold. How are you sorry for being on hold? I, I, I'm sorry. I'm not going to get to your question. Feel free to call back anytime. It's so quiet. Yes, it is. Williams, 33, not talking to you either, but thank you. From Portland. You have a lovely city.

[Tracy Metro]

Hopefully back soon.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you, William. Appreciate it. Are you there? Yes. Okay, thank you. And Susan, 46, Illinois. Hi. Hi. All right. And Kevin, 25, from Delaware. Kevin, Hello? All right, I said hi to the people.

[Brian Bishop]

Gotta roll those calls.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Tracy Metro]

Nothing better than death Reck. Guy tries to break it down and get serious.

[Bill Burr]

I love that guy. All right, what's next? Dawson, there's nothing to reveal here, right? No. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

From the makers of Rice a Roni comes Macaroni, a creamy, delicious boxed Mac and cheese. That's not just good, it's cheesy Good Macaroni will please even the pickiest eaters with two magnificent flavors that will melt your Creamy Cheddar and Creamy White Cheddar. If you love cheese, you'll love macaroni by the makers of Rice a Roni. If you don't love cheese, well, that's just unbelievable. Try macaroni, it's cheesy. Good Mac a Roni, the San Francisco treat.

[Bill Burr]

Feeling stiff? Put your hands in the air like you just don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Or maybe like you do care. Move your arms behind your back, do.

[Bill Burr]

Some gentle twists with your core and repeat. This healthy suggestion is brought to you by Regent's Blue Cross Blue Shield of Oregon. Together we Health.

[Gina Grad]

Our sixth nominee for Rant of the Year, Wells Fargo's Apology to the Arts.

[Bill Burr]

Wells Fargo was attempting to take young people and get them sort of financially literate, you know, for the. For the future. And so you can read what the ads say. They're just magazine ads, print ads with the teenagers.

[Brian Bishop]

First the girl, it says, a ballerina yesterday, an engineer today. Let's get them ready for tomorrow. And then a nice young man, an actor yesterday, a botanist today. Let's get them ready for tomorrow.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. So the arts are all the pussies in the art. The arts, they're so precious. You fucking loser pussies. You're all so precious. First off, most all of you suck. You really are bad. There's a very small percentage of you that can actually write, deliver, joke, or act, what have you. Most of you are horrible, struggling pieces of shit. And the idea that you get your fucking precious panties in a bunch because an institution is telling people, hey, you may, you know, you may be wanting to do high school plays now, or you may be wanting to play the clarinet or something, but the way you're gonna make your bones later on. And they didn't say street sweeper, and they didn't say meter, parking, meter reader, any of that shit. They didn't give you a chicken shit job. They gave you a nice job. They gave you a nice job in chemistry or whatever it was. They gave me a nice white collar professional engineering gig. But because you're such colossal pussies and you take. You and fucking Shell Crow gotta get up there and beg for money every 10 minutes. Talk about the arts. Fuck the arts. Fuck the arts. You'd learn so much more by building shit. You learn so much more working in a class where you're working a fucking lathe and learning how to weld and learning how to put pieces of metal together. Than you'll ever fucking learn in your fucking interpretive dance class ever. Ever. The only reason I'm fucking smart is because I know how to build. I know how to put shit together. It helps you put shit together in your mind, and you can apply it to anything. Unlike playing the fucking clarinet. These guys are right. They owe nobody an apology. They're trying to help. People statistically don't have a chance of making a living doing what they're doing. They'll never use Wells Fargo if they choose acting or playing the clarinet or the Fuck.

[Tracy Metro]

No need.

[Bill Burr]

And they have to offer up an apology. Not that they mean it. They don't. I don't mean it. Not for a second. It's just because you guys in the art community are such colossal, precious pussies. You're such fucking pussies that you bitch and moan about everything. Oh, God, the arts. Fuck you. Fucking loser pussies. God damn, you're so fucking worthless. The arts are nothing. They're just. They're. They're. They're window dressing in terms of society goes like, there's a whole bunch of we got to get to and then there's the arts. Why we've decided they're number one is insane to me.

[Tracy Metro]

You hear that, Tessa? Put down that tutu. Pick up a botany set.

[Bill Burr]

That's right. Jesus Christ. Well, what is everyone's theory? That most people are wildly artistic?

[Tracy Metro]

Yeah. Yeah, it's much.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know that to be true.

[Tracy Metro]

It's much more statistically likely that you'll make a successful career in the.

[Bill Burr]

I've sat in a million writers rooms and not found funny people in the writers room that I was in that had already been vetted to get into the writers room. Not that funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Getting paid to do it.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. All right, Dawson, what's next?

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best Drop By a guest.

[Tracy Metro]

Real awards.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Tracy Metro]

Pretty good.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I'm not that impressed.

[Gina Grad]

She's big north of the border.

[Brian Bishop]

Instant classic.

[Bill Burr]

That's right. I was taking a shit.

[Tracy Metro]

And the ACE Award goes too.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, she's big north of the border. Everybody.

[Tracy Metro]

That was paying off at minus 5,000 on the.

[Bill Burr]

On the.

[Tracy Metro]

On betting sites. I had so many damn people come up to me on the crew cruise and say, not highball, Brian. Hey, but I love the show.

[Bill Burr]

She's big north of the border.

[Tracy Metro]

It's sweeping the nation.

[Brian Bishop]

And I love that he was paying homage to his father when he did that.

[Tracy Metro]

Drunken father in the booth.

[Bill Burr]

All right, what's next, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best Drop By a Staff member are window of negligence.

[Bill Burr]

That's this year.

[Brian Bishop]

Spicorama.

[Gina Grad]

That tasteful dude maintain.

[Bill Burr]

Stuff I was looking for completely failed you.

[Brian Bishop]

If he me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster. Oh, man, I don't want to that.

[Tracy Metro]

And the ACE award goes to Window of negligence.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well deserved.

[Tracy Metro]

That was from April of this year and it's brought us a whole new term into our lexicon.

[Brian Bishop]

Gets thrown around a lot.

[Bill Burr]

All right, what's next, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for best drop by a Corolla R.

[Joe DeRosa]

Captain.

[Bill Burr]

We can't feed them boys sticky rice. I put a cap in your ass. I kick your ass. I'll beat your ass. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. I woke up in finish this morning. Don't chime in here, Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

My new ringtone.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Tracy Metro]

And the ACE award goes to.

[Bill Burr]

I woke up in Phoenix this morning.

[Brian Bishop]

Doing an impression was.

[Tracy Metro]

Everyone likes the kids taking the piss out of dad.

[Bill Burr]

That was me at Phil Rosenthal's house during Loudly during the Martian five hour movie. I was like, passed out on the floor and like, I was like, get up. And I was like, I woke up in Phoenix this morning. Like, I was like, I'm exhausted.

[Tracy Metro]

If anyone deserves to pass out drunk on the floor during the Martian on.

[Bill Burr]

The floor, it's making. Yeah. All right.

[Tracy Metro]

A good year for drops.

[Brian Bishop]

Great stuff.

[Bill Burr]

What do we got, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

The nominees for guest of the year are. Anna Faris.

[Bill Burr]

Adam. Are you a betting man? I can. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just lost $5,000 on the super bowl, so. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Bill Burr]

So wondering what I could bet with.

[Adam Carolla]

You to get you into a leotard if you lost.

[Bill Burr]

I like those kind of bets.

[Adam Carolla]

You do? Would you. Would you wear a leotard? And would you like podcast live with camera?

[Bill Burr]

Yes, I. I would if you lost. And I'll tell you. I'll. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you want your nuts close to your body.

[Bill Burr]

No, I think it's good to have. I always said if you want to get people in shape, like, if you really want to get people in shape, instead of casual Friday at the workplace should be go to go to work in your underpants Friday. Because when you're sitting around on Wednesday and you're reaching for a donut, you go, I gotta be my underpants in two days. Like all day. Like, it keeps you in line. So can we think of a bet?

[Gina Grad]

We don't have to do it right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, but can we think of a bet? I don't know what you would bet me, but that if you lost, I.

[Bill Burr]

Want you in not just like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Leotard, but sort of a unitard.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. And I kind of want you in.

[Adam Carolla]

Front of the booth here since.

[Brian Bishop]

Since he's in a mine.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I'm gonna be at your house, am I not?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, all right, then I will.

[Adam Carolla]

Set up a special.

[Brian Bishop]

Throw in the unicycle. Oh, he'll buy the unicycle in his unitard.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds a lot of unicorn. All right, I'll tell you what, more.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids in the Corolla family.

[Gina Grad]

Lenny Dykstra. I fell short on this one, but I wanted to tag some royalty, you know. So I was looking to hit Princess Stephanie.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, she wasn't that good looking.

[Tracy Metro]

She's gettable, though.

[Bill Burr]

I thought she was pretty. She was, but. But.

[Gina Grad]

So I'm Monaco.

[Bill Burr]

Monaco. Yeah, she was hot all time.

[Gina Grad]

And. And I'd go to her club and I'd tell my boy, I'd have to.

[Bill Burr]

Take two guys with me because they.

[Gina Grad]

All have to take shifts, you know. And I said, go get the 411 and see if she's here. And she's not, she's not there. And a lot of times this happens. So this one story you gotta hear, man.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I turn like around, I see.

[Gina Grad]

These two blonde Swedes, like, right out of the tourist book. And I said, dude, go get that poor one now. Comes back, bad news with their fiances. I said, look at me. I will have their suitcases on the sidewalk tonight. This is when I'm 31, walking around with, you know, cut up, don't have all the, you know, mileage I have now. And, and, and, you know, million dollars at will. And, and, and they knew it. So, so what happens as those went to sleep? I get a yacht, dude, as big as this building.

[Bill Burr]

It's big, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

And next thing you know, I'm in the French Riviera sitting on the front of that thing.

[Bill Burr]

What do you call it?

[Gina Grad]

The front of them yachts about. Yeah, I'm not a water dude. I'm more in the robes and room service.

[Bill Burr]

You're not an actual sea captain?

[Gina Grad]

Nah, man. I don't like what's underneath me, man.

[Bill Burr]

So. So.

[Gina Grad]

But we're going down because we're going to Portofino. And I look back and I see the two Swedes, dude, sunbathe and mood. And I said to my buddy, bro, if this isn't heaven, it's the closest we're going to get.

[Bill Burr]

Ready?

[Brian Bishop]

Quite the rack on tour.

[Gina Grad]

Dave Coulier. I do Celebrity Wind.

[Bill Burr]

I do. I do Celebrity Window.

[Brian Bishop]

Amazing impression.

[Bill Burr]

It's very specific. Okay, well, should I name the celebrity? This is Gwenneth Paltrow. All right. After one of her $200 smoothies.

[Tracy Metro]

Okay. All natural.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. As she's stepping off of the Vespa. Stepping. Doing that move where you have to step off the ves. Scooter after dropping her kid off. It's. I got it. Just. That's a quick step.

[Tracy Metro]

It sounds right.

[Bill Burr]

She's in shape. Just. Yeah, exactly. That's dead nuts on. I was there. That is dead nuts on. Do you want her now after, like, a fat burger? Yeah, very much. This is the fat burger. Double king cheese, chili and an egg. All right, here we go. Gwyneth Palt.

[Tracy Metro]

So dumb, but so great.

[Gina Grad]

Akbar. Badger. Bamila.

[Bill Burr]

Jimmy Kimmel's hosting the show. Okay. He's. He'll be hosting Emmys. He's a dear friend of mine. Okay. Okay. When you win, I want you to thank the producers. Okay. I want you to thank God or whoever you'd like to thank. Thank God. Yep. Or whatever. But when you see Jimmy, when you go up on stage, when you rush up on stage in that finely tailored tuxedo. Yeah. I want you to say to Jimmy, hey, man, I haven't seen you since that cuckolding film we did back with you and Molly last week. He's got a beautiful blonde wife. Okay. Name is Molly. I think it's gonna bring the house down. Okay. Cuckolding. Cuckolding. Don't look it up. Okay? Just say it phonetically. Seen you since the cuckolding shoot. Shoot. We did with Molly last week. With Molly last week.

[Tracy Metro]

Akbar, if you do Google it. Don't do it with a work computer.

[Brian Bishop]

Put your safes there, John.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my goodness. Okay. Now, I don't know what that means. They're going to get a laugh. They're going to get a big laugh. Now, do I say that into the mic or do I.

[Brian Bishop]

As many people as possible can hear it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Tracy Metro]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

I'll say it. Yeah. I'm pointing at Jimmy. Okay. Since last week, we did that cuckolding shoot. Yeah. It would be funny. Okay. All right. Yeah. And just write it out phonetically or whatever. Okay. Cuckolding. Yeah. I'll look it up to how this. Don't. Don't. You know what? Don't spoil the surprise. Okay? It'll spoil the surprise. Now, let me ask you this. Will I be hosting Ninja Warrior? Since we just got picked up for season nine, will I Get will. I'll be working for Ninja Warrior.

[Joe DeRosa]

You'll be busy, you'll be working, you'll get offers.

[Bill Burr]

Your phone's gonna ring. Phone will not stop ringing.

[Gina Grad]

And Jenna and Bodhi Elfman, like we.

[Adam Carolla]

Just had our second kid and he started feeling so domesticated and like he couldn't go out at night because I needed him to help out with the kids and I was tired and he.

[Bill Burr]

He just started feeling like a trapped rat and he took me to a cafe. I always, there's so many animals for.

[Adam Carolla]

Any of his like bad non becoming qualities, I just pick rat as the analogy. But he took me to a cafe.

[Bill Burr]

And he was very serious. He's like, now wait, you've been together for how long? 26.

[Adam Carolla]

Well at that point it was 24. 23 years ago.

[Bill Burr]

23 years ago. You've been together for 23 years, you have your second child and he took you to a cafe? Yeah. And he's like, I'm having, having a.

[Adam Carolla]

Hard time and I just feel like I need to.

[Bill Burr]

A cheerleader. This is a real story. I said it again. I'm sorry.

[Gina Grad]

Say it 10 more times.

[Brian Bishop]

Your Pravada is amazing. Bodhi.

[Adam Carolla]

She, and we were drinking, you know, our little cappuccino. I, I really felt like I, I.

[Gina Grad]

Had been with my hot gorgeous wife.

[Bill Burr]

For 23 years and I was starting.

[Gina Grad]

To get a hankering for like UC Santa Barbara cheerleaders.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what was.

[Adam Carolla]

And I thought he's never cheated on me, ever. And I've never cheated on him though. I've sucked every moment of kissing actors. I've sucked it for all it's worth. Every moment for what it's worth. And I thought, I, I, and I had a moment of going like, okay.

[Bill Burr]

Golden rule, like if this was me or I was having a similar dilemma.

[Adam Carolla]

How would I want to be treated? Then I thought, because I trust him cuz he's earned my trust.

[Bill Burr]

I thought, I, I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I actually, I get it.

[Bill Burr]

I said, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Took another bite of my eggs, finished.

[Bill Burr]

Chewing and then I said, okay, go. Wow. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

That's how it's done.

[Bill Burr]

Look, Jen Elfman. All right, the winner is guest of the year, Jenna Elfman and Bodhi Elfman. All right, well deserved. Yeah, I love that. I love those too. They were awesome.

[Tracy Metro]

All good interviews, all good guests.

[Bill Burr]

All right, what's left, Dawson?

[Gina Grad]

Our final nominee for rant of the year, Hazelnut creamer.

[Bill Burr]

Here's the ingredient for the Nestle coffee Mate first ingredient. And this is what you put in your morning Joe. This is what you're dumping in your coffee every morning. This is the way you prefer it. This isn't. In a pinch, we're not trapped at a bad hotel with me and Mike August in Mansfield, Pennsylvania. And we get what we got because we didn't pack our own cream. Now this is what we choose to put in our coffee. This is what we choose to spend my money on and put in one's coffee. First ingredient, water. Water. Water's the first thing you're the number one ingredient in your additive to your coffee is water. It's water that's number one. And by the way, when something says number one, by the time you get down to six or seven, it's tenfold as much number one, water. Number two, sugar. I would argue you could probably add that the old fashioned way. Like James Baby Doll Dixon.

[Tracy Metro]

With sugar.

[Bill Burr]

With sugar. It's available now. I think you get it without a prescription. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. So you can get sugar. Now, what's three in the thing that you're adding to your coffee for breakfast?

[Brian Bishop]

It's gotta be cream, vegetable oil.

[Bill Burr]

One and two are water and vegetable oil. But this is what you've deemed is delectable in your fucking coffee. And you have to get two big jugs of it because one. That may only make it a couple days. But here's the upside. It's bad for you. And super fattening. Yep, that's the upside. Oh, God. I literally yelled at the shop today. I yelled at Rob. I said, I don't know anyone who's smart who likes French vanilla additive to their coffee and. Or Mountain Dew. I'm not saying it makes you dumb.

[Tracy Metro]

You'd have to dig deep.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know if it makes you dumb or dumb. People are attracted to it.

[Tracy Metro]

Causation or correlation.

[Bill Burr]

Right. But I don't know any smart people that are into it. So just please let it be known that nobody I know who's smart likes this or that. Then do what you want with that goddamn information.

[Tracy Metro]

There should be on your job applications for Corolla Digital Vanilla Specific or All flavored.

[Bill Burr]

All flavored.

[Tracy Metro]

It starts. It starts.

[Bill Burr]

All flavored. All right. Window of negligence. All right, so what we do is we wrap it up here and we go to the other shop and we eat barbecue.

[Tracy Metro]

Wait, don't we name the rants of the year? That's the big one.

[Bill Burr]

Confused. I don't even know. Let's see. Sunny, Natalia, School projects. Yes, thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

I think everyone can get behind that.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus.

[Tracy Metro]

God touches a big swath out here.

[Bill Burr]

Ten years old, they do eight hours a day. Just let it be done, that's all.

[Tracy Metro]

Will they be at the party?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Tracy Metro]

Or do they have homework to do?

[Bill Burr]

Hey, will Phil be there? Someone asked me. I think Philly Cheesesteak will be there.

[Tracy Metro]

Phil's got to meet Tessa. And it's gonna be a glorious Facebook moment.

[Bill Burr]

If you haven't seen it, go on our Instagram, there's a great video of Phil and Nate fighting. I think Phil, I've seen that.

[Tracy Metro]

It's pretty good.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of Nate, by the way, the 24 hour war, that's the movie we've worked on on chassis. C H a s s y.com youm know, the reality is, as far as my kids go, like, like the. The 100% God's honest truth is getting sentimental now. Yes. I want them to show up to the Christmas party.

[Tracy Metro]

Sure.

[Bill Burr]

I want them to see the people, the fruits, see the employees, see the fruits, whatever. The. As far as the, hey, who's going on the Levi Strauss or the Ho Chi Minh trail or whoever the fuck it is, like, I don't care. I want them to show up at the events, meet the people and go, oh, this is what dad does. This is what dad did. Here are the people he works with. Here's the environment, here's what he does. Like, that's the most important thing. So the part where it's like, oh, get a sitter. Keep him at home. Absolutely not.

[Tracy Metro]

And his celebration on top of that.

[Brian Bishop]

And Natalia would never allow that.

[Bill Burr]

Right. So bring them to the party. As far as the school projects go, no one gives a shit. All right, great. Thank you for another fantastic.

[Tracy Metro]

Bottoms up here.

[Bill Burr]

Bottoms up.

[Brian Bishop]

Hell yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Cheers. Cheers.

[Tracy Metro]

Click, click.

[Bill Burr]

Cheers. Thanks to all that made this happen.

[Tracy Metro]

Dawson and Lynch and everyone who did all the research. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

Go to amcrola.com for anything you need. We'll see you in the new year. Until next time, to Sam Corolla for Gina Grand Mulbrand saying mahalo.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you for joining us for this year's Ace Awards. Share it with a friend and show them what they missed in 2016 and get them listening in 2016. Season 17 executive producer Adam Carolla produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch, co producers Gary Smith, Kailyn Bean, Nick Davis and Chris Laksamana Orchestra and score for the Ace awards provided by Extreme Music Rance, screened into rode microphones and produced on Avid Pro Tools and Adobe Audition. Special thanks to archivist superfan Giovanni Custom headphones provided by V Moda and in ear monitors by Ultimate Ears. Travel to the Ace awards furnished by a $4.8 million Paul Newman radio car catering by the vending machine that Adam didn't want in the first place. Catering criticized by Vinnie Torgerich Hotel accommodations by some place with airport in the title because Mike August is a cheap sleep deprived By Tessa Bishop Nominees and winners chosen by a select panel because if there's anything we learned this year, it's that voting doesn't matter. The ACE Awards the ACE Awards is a Corolla digital presentation.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, it's Adam Kollo from the Adam Korolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing all your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BetOnline. BetOnline, the game starts here.

[Tracy Metro]

All right, that was Adam Cooler Show 1977. That does it for today's pro classics. Hope you enjoy the clips.

[Bill Burr]

Make sure to tune tomorrow for even.

[Tracy Metro]

More Ace Award and other fun clips.

[Bill Burr]

Until next time, mahalo and get it on.