Bill Burr + Stephen Root (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Bill Burr + Stephen Root (Carolla Classics) – Detailed Summary

Release Date: January 25, 2025
Guests: Bill Burr, Stephen Root
Hosts/Participants: Adam Carolla, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, Mike August

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1. Introduction and Classic Clip Highlight [00:00 – 01:30]

The episode opens with Giovanni introducing "Coral Classics," a companion podcast featuring the best moments and highlights from 15 years of The Adam Carolla Show. He previews a classic clip from The Adam Carolla Show episode #571 featuring Stephen Root, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2011. Giovanni praises Stephen Root’s versatility, mentioning his roles in NewsRadio, Justified, Office Space, and collaborations with the Coen Brothers.

Notable Quote:

Giovanni: "Stephen Root might be best known from his work on Justified News radio... one of the most talented actors who's ever existed." [00:16]

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2. Behind-the-Scenes and Personal Anecdotes [01:30 – 06:00]

Adam Carolla shares insights into his hectic schedule, including managing multiple shows like "Kevin and Bean" and the "Carson Daly Show." He humorously discusses interactions with guests and co-hosts, including playful banter about Brian Bishop's title as the "number one Asian big boob queen."

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Number one Asian big boob queen. I love to hear her say, queen." [02:04]

Allison Rosen recounts a childhood experience where she believed her pet cockatiel died from an epileptic seizure. Her father later reveals that he had actually killed the bird due to neglect, leading to feelings of betrayal and anger.

Notable Quote:

Allison Rosen: "That is a slow and painful death." [03:24]

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3. Parenting Challenges and Family Dynamics [06:00 – 15:17]

Adam delves into the frustrations of parenting, describing a chaotic moment when his young daughter, Natalia, refuses to take her medicine. He humorously narrates the scene where attendants struggle to administer medication using unconventional methods like turkey basters and ice cream.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "I started a Terminator of kids. She is relentless. She never stops." [08:18]

Allison adds that Natalia's determination, despite causing chaos, will serve her well in achieving her goals later in life.

Notable Quote:

Allison Rosen: "Whatever she wants to achieve, she really will." [15:17]

Adam shares a poignant story about intervening during his then-girlfriend’s mother's psychotic episode, highlighting his reluctance to seek emotional support and the challenges of handling family crises solo.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "I just pulled her aside and I just went like, look, I'm tired." [10:21]

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4. Media Commentary: Satellite Radio Frustrations [16:01 – 23:04]

Adam expresses frustration with the repetitive and low-quality music selections on Sirius XM’s Satellite 80s channel, lamenting the dominance of bands like Loverboy over more deserving artists. He critiques the station’s programming choices, emphasizing his preference for underrated 80s music.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "It drives me fucking mad." [22:22]

Brian and Allison join in, agreeing that the station’s focus on clichéd hits undermines the rich diversity of 80s music.

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5. Amazon Promotions and Affiliate Marketing [54:00 – 55:30]

Adam shifts the conversation to promote the show’s affiliate partnership with Amazon. He highlights the significant traffic and sales generated through their website, urging listeners to shop via their Amazon links to support the podcast.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "It is mind-numbing how loyal you guys have been and is blowing Amazon away." [54:27]

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6. Interview Segment: Stephen Root on Charity and Theater [56:22 – 76:35]

Adam welcomes Stephen Root back to the show, discussing Root’s involvement with the Shakespeare Center of Los Angeles. Stephen elaborates on the center’s mission to make Shakespeare accessible through educational programs and stage productions. He recounts his experiences performing alongside notable actors like Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt.

Notable Quote:

Stephen Root: "They make Shakespeare accessible to the common man, to the kids, inner city and that kind of thing." [56:37]

Stephen discusses his philanthropic efforts, including donating to educational institutions and supporting theater programs that engage youth and veterans.

Notable Quote:

Stephen Root: "They got through round one where they got $25,000 grant. Now they're trying to get the big $500,000 prize." [57:57]

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7. Comedy and Personal Stories: Drug Use and High Experiences [76:35 – 117:00]

The episode continues with light-hearted yet candid discussions about drug use, personal mishaps, and humorous anecdotes. Adam shares stories about carbon monoxide poisoning from childhood, interactions involving pot brownies, and the unpredictable effects of being high.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "If you want to kill yourself, this is the way to go... Just a tip, if there are any teens listening..." [156:07]

Allison and Mike August contribute their own experiences, adding to the comedic yet reflective tone of the conversation.

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8. Movie Critique: Thor and Board Games [117:00 – 144:00]

Adam criticizes the movie Thor, focusing on its excessive CGI and lackluster plot. He humorously dissects the film’s inconsistencies and over-the-top effects, questioning the critical acclaim it received despite its flaws.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "It was a pile of do not see this movie. But then again, all the super... a piece of shit." [133:54]

The conversation shifts to board games, with Allison Rosen highlighting the poor condition of thrift store games and reminiscing about their childhood experiences playing classics like Backgammon and Stratego.

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9. Absurd News Stories and Satirical Commentary [144:00 – 178:28]

The latter part of the episode features fabricated and exaggerated news segments, blending satire with humor. Topics include:

• A Florida woman attacking her roommate with butter, leading to arrest.
• The sale of the head of the patron saint of genital disease in an auction.
• Critiques of societal norms and humorous takes on serious issues.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "I'm in, by the way." [175:41] (Referring to the sale of the patron saint’s head)

Allison Rosen shares bizarre news stories, and Adam responds with his signature humor, highlighting the absurdity of these events.

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10. Closing Promotions and Farewell [178:11 – End]

Giovanni wraps up the episode, teasing the next installment featuring Bill Burr. The hosts engage in final promotional segments, advertising upcoming live shows and encouraging listeners to engage with their content.

Notable Quote:

Giovanni: "We'll have a new episode tomorrow. Make sure to tune in. Until then, mahalo. And get it on." [178:11]

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show masterfully blends personal storytelling, humor, and satirical commentary, all while promoting charitable causes and engaging in lighthearted banter with guests like Stephen Root. From parenting woes and media critiques to absurd fake news segments, the show maintains its signature blend of candidness and comedy, making it both entertaining and thought-provoking for listeners.

Notable Highlights:

• Parenting anecdotes that resonate with many listeners dealing with similar challenges.
• Stephen Root’s insights into theater and philanthropy, showcasing his dedication beyond acting.
• Humorous critiques of media and entertainment, such as the over-CGI Thor and repetitive satellite radio playlists.
• Satirical news segments that add a unique twist to the show’s format, keeping the audience engaged and amused.

Listeners new and old will find this episode a delightful mix of laughter, relatability, and sharp wit, staying true to The Adam Carolla Show’s reputation as a top-ranked, engaging podcast.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack. Check out AdamCarolla.substack.com. you'll also get access to a bunch of other ad free shows, including the brand new podcast Beat it Out, currently featuring Jay Moore. All right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Corolla Show 571. This featuring Steven Root, Allison Rosen, Brian bishop. It's from 2011. Steven Root might be best known from his work on Justified News radio. Played Jimmy James, the CEO, one of the greatest characters in all of sitcom history. All of his work with the Coen Brothers. Crazy stuff he did in oh Brother, where art Thou? Of course, Milton from Office Space. The red stapler. Overall, one of the most talented actors who's ever existed. Really fun, nice guy. I was actually at the studio for this taping myself and an ex, he actually sat next to my ex girlfriend. She was like super thrilled because she was such a huge fan. Really cool dude. Talked about everything. I was even able to observe to him that I thought that his character Jimmy James on newsradio was overall a very benevolent, nice man. He's like one of the nicest characters. He actually took a moment to appreciate it. Like he really was a nice character. Really cool dude. Hope you guys enjoyed this interview. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Long night last night. Thanks to all who made us the number one most downloaded podcast and then got up early, did a little Kevin and Bean this morning and did Carson Daly show. Really love Minka, Love me some Carson Daly. And ran around all over the goddamn place. Good day, Bo. Brian, who is number one? Yeah, number one Asian big boob queen. Do you have that? I love that. Number one Asian big boob Queen. I love to hear her say, queen.

[Brian Bishop]

Don'T play tennis no more.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love that. I love that. And Allison Rosen, how are you, my dear?

[Allison Rosen]

I had a very rough day.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so I had a pet cockatiel when I was a child. I would dare say it was my best friend. I named it after myself, Allie. I was only 5. I all these years believed this bird died from an epileptic seizure, which doesn't really make sense, but when you're a child, you believe your parents. So today my dad was talking about, you know, when we were in Redlands and Mom drove all the way back to get you a new bird because we had forgot to leave water for Allie. They killed my bird.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they killed it? Really?

[Allison Rosen]

And he said it as if I knew this. I said, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Not unlike discovering I was Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

And that is a slow and painful death.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, I know, I know. But it took all my strength not to say to the dog, sleep with one eye open.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

And unlike an epileptic seizure, which would just be some sort of fast bird death. I know. So it's bird torture. And. Oh, I'm so. Well, I was like, I can't believe I'm gonna get upset about something that happened over 20 years ago. And then my dad said, that's you. And I said, no, that's everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's you. Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Isn't that everyone? Like, I think part of the reason I'm so upset is because the sense I got was that I was supposed to just be like, whatever, no harm, no foul, no pun, and a lot of harm. And a dead foul.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, True.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it. Don't deprive me of at least feeling betrayed and really angry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I hate birds because I feel like all they do is shit and make noise. But I still feel your pain.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And there is that thing. As a parent, though, it's kind of weird where, you know, the kids are just kids and they could do no wrong and you have to take care of them and so on and so forth, and then at some point, it does devolve into, I hate you, I wish you'd die. I wish I was never born. You're not the boss of I'm not gonna use a condom next time, I said, I wrote that on my wall. Really?

[Allison Rosen]

I wrote, I heart circle slash mom and dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a moment with my daughter today where it's like, I got legitimately pissed off. Like, you know, my thing is I'm a fair guy in that I don't ask that much of people around me unless I'm paying them, except for when they don't do what I tell them to do. Somewhere around the 12th time, I do get pissed off. And when I get pissed off, I'm loud, like, I'm a dick, you know? It was time for her to take her medicine, since she had her adenoids out 24 hours ago. And she was sitting on the kitchen island that I built, by the way, and she was sitting there, and my wife was on one side, and the lady who cleans the house is there on the second side. Lily. I think it's Lily.

[Allison Rosen]

She all goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Replacement. I don't know. I knocked her up, like, three nights ago, and then this whole Schwarzenegger thing came out and freaked me out, so I got to talk to her tomorrow. And. No, she's the. She's the woman who used to come once a week. And then at some point, my wife said to me, you know what? Lily comes once a week, and the house is still a mess. And I think I'm going to have to. And I thought, oh, here's the moment where she picks up a mop and she said, have her come twice a week. It was a great sitcom moment, right? Oh, I should. Right? I should pay more. You're right. By the way, that does count as her cleaning the house. Yeah, she's the one who told the maid to come two days later.

[Allison Rosen]

Surrogate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So Natalia's sitting there up on the island, and my wife's on one hand, and Lily. I'll figure out her real name in a second. She's hanging on to the other arm, and they're trying to give her a squirt of her painkiller medication, whatever. You know, they got the mini little turkey baster with a little weird kind of milky shit in it, and you got to squirt it in their mouth, you know. And, you know, Natalia's doing. No, I don't want. You know, Mommy's doing the. It's good for you. You need it. It's medicine. It's supposed to be, you know, it's gonna help you heal. It's gonna. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. And so they're trying all these tactics where they're like, what if we put a little in some of this ice cream and a big spoon, and then you take a bite of the melted ice cream, and then she's like. And then she's like. She's sort of fighting and fighting. And I'm like, hey, come on, now. You gotta take your medicine. You're sick. It doesn't taste good, but you take it. And then we'll have some ice cream and we'll get it over with. And she's like, you know, and she's just, like, pulling and fighting and scrapping and scrapping and fighting. And I said, like, hey, Natalia. And I gave her the hey, you know, I gave her one of my. Hey, you taking the medicine? And, you know, one of them had one of her arms, the other one had her other Arm. I took the feeder and I put it into her mouth, and I squirted it into her mouth. And she did this move that. God, I hope she doesn't do as an adult, at least on camera. Swung her mouth around, and this thing just looked like a mouthful of bird shit just went flying out of her mouth. She just went like, whoa. And she just shot it all out of her mouth and then.

[Allison Rosen]

Spirited.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. Because as you established last night, she likes to scrap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she likes to scrap. And the. And the ladies loaded. The ladies gave the, hey, sweetie. No. And I gave the, hey, knock it off.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you covered in this stuff at this point?

[Adam Carolla]

It went shot all over the dog pretty much. Like, it just swung her head out and, like, at one. One girl on one arm, the other girl on the other arm. Mean thing, her, like, thrashing about. She's a smart girl. Like, you know, And I was just like, enough of this ice cream bullshit. You know, you. You eat your medicine and then you get your ice cream. She, by the way, is fucking relentless. She's just, like, fucking relentless. Like, she said, I want to go to Color Me Minds. Like, you got to. Okay, eat your medicine. You can go to Color Me Mind. I want to go to eat your. Have your medicine. Have your medicine. You will do 300 laps and you won't even know it. Like, you'll go. I said, no. I said, she'll. I mean, she's like, I had to fucking throw her. Not throw her, but I had to go put her in a cold swimming pool the other day. It's like, I want to go in the swimming pool day, sweetie. It's cold outside. The pool is freezing. There's no. So I want to go in the pool. Step you go. Like, if you ask me again about the pool, no coloring mine and no presence on that. I want to go in the pool. I want to go to the pool. She's just got the fall. I had to get her into her bathing suit and actually put her up to her chest in freezing water and then pull her out just to fucking shut her up. Like, she's just fucking relentless. And I started a Terminator of kids. I know. She is relentless. She never stops. She never stops. And I.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what my parents used to say about me.

[Adam Carolla]

I started thinking about my wife's mom who's passed away, and I just thought her, her mother, my wife's mom and my grandmother were both just relentless and just fucking life. Loud and relentless. And one. I forgot one of the worst days of My life, It was about 10 years ago, and I was working my schedule, which was Loveline during the nighttime and then man show, and then like, Loveline, we tape on Friday nights and blah, blah, blah. I got home one Friday night after taping three or four Loveline shows. And I was. I was done for the week, and I was trying to have a cocktail kind of thing. And my wife was like, my mom's having an episode and she's freaking out. She's not taking her medication, and we gotta get down there and, like, we gotta get her to the hospital. It's like she lives in fucking West Hills. And I just got home and I was like, by the way, this is a good thing about being with me. I never ask anyone for backup. Like, I don't need any emotional support. To me, it's embarrassment that you see me or my mom or anyone this way. I want everyone out.

[Brian Bishop]

No time for backup.

[Adam Carolla]

No time for backup. Shoulder. Rol. Hey. I've never said, can somebody. You know, it's weird. I don't understand it. But I do understand it's how normal human beings work. I'm not wired that way, but so I had to go down to West Hills and get my. I don't think we were married at this point. We weren't married. So my girlfriend's mom out of her house, basically, and we're going to have an ambulance pick her up. She needed to go to the hospital. She was psychotic. She needed medication. And this woman's like a scrappy third degree black belt, like, 71 years young kind of thing. And it was like the worst 18 minutes of my life. I went over to this little piece of shit house in the West Hills, and I said, listen, Helen, because the deal was we even had my buddy Tony Barbieri call her as Jesus Christ. It was Kimmel's idea. I think she was a religious fanatic. I went over there, and this could about sum up my life. I think, in a nutshell, this would sum it up. I said, helen, the paramedic showed up. I said, helen, you gotta get into the back of the ambulance. They have to take you to the hospital. They have to check you out. No, she was Italian. Not gonna do it. I said, look, if you don't do it, the paramedics are gonna call the lapd. We're gonna have to sit around here for an hour, which I've spent my fucking life sitting around. I feel like just sitting around on other people's behalf. And. And I said, the LAPD is going to show up in an hour. Then they're going to either tell you to get into the back of the ambulance or they're going to force you to get in the back of the ambulance. And she's like, go get them. And I was like, and I just did that thing. And I've had it happen a fucking million times in my life. And that's why I want to just sue the world. Like, I just pulled her aside and I just went like, look, I'm tired, you're tired, Lynette's tired. The ambulance drivers are tired. Jesus is tired. Jesus is tired. It's 8:45, it's Friday night. You can go get into the back of the ambulance right now and go with these guys who want to help you. Or then we can just sit here and wait for the cops to show up about 10 o'clock and then you guys can slug it out in the living room. And then they'll throw your ass into the back of the thing and they will force you into the limit now into the back of the.

[Brian Bishop]

If this podcast thing doesn't take off.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla, Hostage NEGOTIATOR oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

Get in the back.

[Adam Carolla]

Just get in the back. It'd be great if a human being listened to me. It would be awesome if all the fucking people I've called a million times. What I want a million things, how it's gonna work. Here's what's gonna happen if A, B and C don't never. Idiots don't listen in ear to crazy people. And I've spent my whole fucking life with that. Call the cops. Call the cops. And said, all right, fucking call the cops. And we called the cops. And, you know, it was like big husky LAPD white dude and big husky LAPD black dude come walking in. It's fucking embarrassing. You know, she's in her nightgown.

[Brian Bishop]

And my question is, was Lynette embarrassed? She must have been.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, of course. And then it got worse because she just went into her room, like down the end of the hall, and the cops just said, all right. And the cops just walked down to the end of the hall, and next thing you know, you just heard fucking furniture breaking and her scream when Italian woman screams at the top of her lungs. And cops yelling like, yeah, like, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. And like, more she. And more slapping and then her screaming at Lynette, screaming, why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? It's like screaming, she broke one of the cops watches off the guy's wrist. I mean, she slugged it out, the fucking cops. And it's like they shoved her in the back of the fucking. They shoved her in the back of the. But it's like I just felt like this is my life in a fucking nutshell. What do I do? And why don't I ever get to be on the other end of this?

[Allison Rosen]

Why can't I be the calm and collective?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to be the crazy cunt whose fucking legs are flying around. I'm punching cops and someone is yelling something at me. I just, for once, I want someone to say to me, adam, you know what's going to happen if you do X, Y, and Z. So don't do it. I'm warning you now because I love you and me go, no, fuck you. I'm going to do it anyway. Every fucking person I talk. And by the way, that's a big version. I have a million small versions where I go, here's what I need. Here's what I want. Here's what I need. Here's what I want. It's like, no, you not gonna get.

[Allison Rosen]

So you feel like Natalia's got a bit of grandma in her.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. Yeah. And, yeah. Oh, yeah, she's got a lot of everybody in her, but, yeah, my grandma and her great grandma and her grandma. Yeah, she's a goddamn scrapper and someone's gonna have to break her. And it's like, you don't want to be mean or whatever, but Jesus Christ. I told her tonight, medicine tastes crappy. It makes you better. It's good. Move on, you know? Gotta hold her down.

[Allison Rosen]

One thing I will say is that all of that, though, can manifest as determination later on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever she wants to achieve, she really will.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll go far. Driving everyone nuts, those people. But she will go far. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no. There's two kinds. There's dumb determination, too. Let's not discount dumb determination. Probably about five years later, my wife had not heard from her mom in, like two days. And she's like. She's having an episode. She's out. She's not picking her phone up. She's not answering her phone. And I was like, ah. You know, she's over at the Olive Garden chatting up one of the waiters.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, because I'm always Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I'm always. That's her favorite restaurant. She's born in Italy. So I'm always like, always like, yeah. You know? And she's like, nah, I'm gonna call. I'M gonna call the neighbors. Like a big, robust guy who's been their neighbor for 30 years. Like, I'm gonna call Stan. I'm gonna have Stan go over there and check it out. And I'm like, ah, leave Stan alone. Come on, Stan probably just got home from work. Yeah, go check him out. Check her out. I was like, look, your mom, you know, she's probably not home. She's not picking her phone up. No, no, no, I'm calling Stan. I'm worried. I was like, leave her alone. Leave Stan alone. And it's literally like, I'm in the kitchen, and she's like, stan, listen, can you go to the store and check on my mom? And I'm like. And thank you. And I'm like, sweetie, come on, leave Stan alone. What's she gotta go over there and bang on the door? Your mom's probably not even home. And she's like, hold on. Yes, Stan, she's dead. I'm like, I swear to God. I swear to God. I'm like, ah. All right. I was never. You never been shut down.

[Allison Rosen]

Kill your instincts.

[Adam Carolla]

Never been shut down so fast in my fucking life.

[Brian Bishop]

Gotta love that Stan.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? The guy, like, literally just walked in the front door, she took a nap, like, before she was gonna go work out and never, never woke up. And Stan literally, like, just walked in the front door, put his, like, finger on her pulse, you know, and just went. She's dead.

[Allison Rosen]

No mirror under the nostrils?

[Adam Carolla]

No, just with the phone, on the phone. And I was right in the middle of one of my. Come on. She's always. I'm. Shut the fucking IHOP at a Canoga Park. Believe me, she's a strong. She'll live till a thousand. The strongest woman I know. Believe me. God, I wish she would move on. She's not. She gonna live. She can't live as long she's dead. I was like, out of a fucking movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'll tell you what takes the sting off of dying for loved ones.

[Allison Rosen]

This is about my bird.

[Adam Carolla]

Psychotic episodes involving the lapd.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you really would like to, again, if you find out you have a terminal illness or maybe just getting a little long in the tooth, and you don't have a whole lot of time left on the planet. Invite family members only. Over. Invite LAPD over, duke it out with them in the living room, scream at everyone as they're dragging you out into the squad car. And then, you know, a year later, a few years later, when you move on, people kind of have a Hmm. I mean, sad see your go, but definitely not gonna relive that episode again.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a lot to be said for strategic death. It's like when people choose a song they love for their funeral. It's like, why torture the people you love by making them. Now they'll always associate that great song, that beautiful song with horrible memories of funeral. Play a song you hate. Yeah, play Pitman Eater for your funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Or something ironic like Sticks Best of times, but at least not a song.

[Brian Bishop]

That they're gonna hear and then hear a wonderful song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Imagine my John Lennon or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah. It'll ruin it for everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Or like when you're trying to get out of relationship and you just become super annoying. We have a life that way.

[Adam Carolla]

We have. I have a super annoying song, by the way. You can, you can cue it up in 50 years. Wall v Chicks, by the way. Paperback out as we speak with the new sports chapter available now. One man's Opinion. Face to Face with Ace. New clips every week, huffingtonpost.com comedy and of course, the big show out here at the Wiltern. Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Simmons doing. I think we're going to do a bass cable classic. I think we'll do a little con air up on stage for you. That would be tomorrow night. Also damn excited about talking to Albert Brooks. This is damn exciting stuff. I am going long form with his ass. I've never really seen seen the guy sit down and really go long form ever. Really. So I'm excited. We'll play that for you, I think, on Monday. Palace of Fine arts, San Francisco, June 4th and Caroline's. We're doing the show live, the podcast live. Come see us out there. See how it works. See how the fudge is packed. Caroline's. New York City, June 24th. I was listening to a little satellite 80s radio today, driving over to do Carson Daly. I only listen to the Sirius XM Satellite 80s channel to fucking piss me off, right? Because I've said, go ahead, Brian. I've said many times, said many times, that there's some of the greatest music ever from the early 80s, especially your pretenders and your Joe Jackson and your Elvis Costello. But instead it's all fucking Flock of Seagulls. And then every once in a while they trot out a little Lover Boy. And everyone knows lover boy sucks in a sort of likable way, like a bad breakfast meat.

[Brian Bishop]

You know who doesn't know Lover boy sucks? Loverboy. Yeah, I saw them on a VH1. Where are they now? Thing around you know, 1990, 2000, probably narrated by Rachel Perry, by the way. And it was basically. He was still doing the headband thing and this thing was like. Well, Nirvana came around and basically killed my career. It's like, lack of talent.

[Adam Carolla]

They've had something to do with that, I'd say. Horrible lyrics. Like, she's turning on the heat. There's a lot of heat in the street. And this has two of us. She's got the magic touch. A little.

[Allison Rosen]

Would take it be a bad breakfast meat.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little too much. Yeah, yeah. This essentially, I. I was. I was thinking of Boogie Nights with Mark. Marky Mark doing his.

[Brian Bishop]

Feel My Heat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Feel My Heat. And I thought this is about. About it. What was all the burn and heat on the street decade? It was a real. From like 78, there was like Disco Inferno. Right? There's like a lot of. A lot of burning things to the ground and global warming. Smoke on the water. Yeah. Oh, it's a little too much. 100 above.

[Allison Rosen]

Which is not even that much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's 100 above whatever it was.

[Allison Rosen]

So if it's like 85, I was thinking like 101. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Some say she do. Let me guess what the next one would be. What.

[Allison Rosen]

Can. What.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this song. Stop this. Stop the madness. It's a pile of fucking shit. And I've said this to the Sirius XM retards who fucking program, if you want to call it programming a station. How much Fucking play. Good song from the 80s. Why is it just the pure shit from the 80s?

[Brian Bishop]

Mike say, well, they won't be around much longer.

[Adam Carolla]

Be nice. I'd really like to fucking shoot down that fucking satellite. It's. It's not. I mean, I understand, like, it's. It's not supposed to be novelty music from the 80s. It's just music from the 80s.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It drives me fucking hot. Some say she will Some say she.

[Brian Bishop]

Won'T Maybe the fine print is novelty songs yous wish you had forgotten shits from the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

Extremely shitty Adam Sandler movies. It almost seems ironic, the songs they play.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, anyway, maybe it's for when fraternities are like, let's have a party. What should be the theme? 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it feels like. Except for I'm alone in my car and I just want to hear one of many good 80s songs. Had a good run there. Yeah, I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Between Lover Boy and Mark Knopfler and Olivia Newton John.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Sunglasses.

[Brian Bishop]

Edgy McMahon.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very true. Walter Payton had one as well. All right, Allison, you got some news?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center, next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen turning up the heat. Some say she can, some say she won't or can, or some say she does, some say she don't. Like it's like a. It's like.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd like to diagram that sentence.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Dr. Seuss had a Quaalude and a boner and decided to ride the. Write the world's shittiest rock song. That's all it was. Is there a human being who doesn't think they could write that song?

[Allison Rosen]

I could do it without the Quaalute or the boner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you could.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I wouldn't want to. Jeff Conaway is in a coma after an apparent drug overdose. He's in a coma.

[Adam Carolla]

That's him.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's more than. He's more sound than he's making right now. He's unresponsive at this time. And, you know, he's been on Celebrity Rehab more than once. And on Twitter, some people are blaming Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm, so goddamn sad. Because when you see him in, like, Greece, you see this vibrant, great looking, active, whatever. And these guys all have the same story, which is they go, I was on Broadway and I did a flip off a piano and I landed on my back and I got strung out on these meds, and it's whatever. I don't know why everyone. I mean, maybe I just have this inside view of Dr. Drew, but I've known Drew for so long, he's wildly concerned about what people think of him, and he wants to help everyone. And I don't know, is this show hurting celebrities? I mean, they pay them and they get sober or they try to get sober, but what's the difference between that and them just staying locked up in their apartment and not getting sober?

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, people say that it's. Or the charge against it is it's exploitative or that it's unrealistic because how can people really get sober in three weeks or whatever. But at the same time, like you're saying, I mean, they are getting paid, they are getting help.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all.

[Allison Rosen]

They're getting attention, which they need or want to.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all versus, and it's all versus nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like Drew pulls them out of Betty Ford where they were gonna complete a six month stint, and he puts them in. It's like no, they were just held. Held up in their apartment.

[Allison Rosen]

But. And it does seem that like you're saying he stays in touch with them afterwards and does care about them.

[Adam Carolla]

True. Cares about people way too much. I mean, we used to get stopped at airports and we'd have that angry bitch who's like, angry at dudes.

[Allison Rosen]

Hate those bitches.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just mean it's weird because you do love line. You know what they all sound like over the telephone and there's all these weird little tells. And I did one of those. Tell me if you guys know this kind of person. I did one of those radio tours where I did about 25 stations. And then one of the last stations I did was a chick. And she's like, first thing they do is this one. You don't remember me, do you? And you go like, nah, I don't. You don't, do you? And you go, no, I'll give you. And you just think, first off, that person that does the. Wants to keep doing the don't remember me, do you? Like, who's the joke on, sweetie? Who the fuck is the joke on here? I had this weird moment where I. Speaking of Dr. Drew, I did Dr. Drew's show about two weeks ago and sitting next to me was this sex. This person that was in a friends with benefits relationship and she was the 42 year old kind of, I'm okay having sex with this guy because I know that's all I'll get off him and blah, blah, blah. And she was like a little crazy eyes, you know? And she sat down next to me and she went, hi, Adam. And I was like, how you doing? And she's like, do you remember me? And I was like, no, I don't. And she was like, you know, we've been together or something.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Something to that effect. Yeah. And I said, really? And she's like, oh, yes. And I said like when? And she's like, you don't remember? And I was like, we already established I don't remember that. And I don't remember anything really. And she's like. She's like, so you don't remember this or something? And I said, no, but if you want to tell me, that might help. But I don't know what we've done. It's funny. Drew's sitting there looking at both of us and so is the other dude. She's sitting and she's doing this whole weird thing. Yeah. Like how we slept together. And I was like, I don't. You don't look she didn't look unfamiliar, I will give her that. But she didn't look familiar. Somewhere in between. And she's like, well, you should think about it. And then we started doing the show, and then when we were done with the show, she said it was time for her statement, like, where she was going to leave. It's like she turned around and she went, adam, you can just spend the rest of the day thinking about how we know each other or something. And then she started to walk out, and I said. I said, you know what? Here's the thing. I know you're probably gonna think that I'm gonna think that. I guarantee you I will not. And I will not think about it. The second you leave, it drew back me up. I stopped thinking about shit the second the person leaves their own right or wrong, and he's like, that's how he is. And I was like, sorry, I'll never think about this again. And I hadn't thought about it until this very second.

[Brian Bishop]

You thought about it again.

[Adam Carolla]

I am so fucking gotcha. I literally had this woman telling me.

[Allison Rosen]

That is the most ridiculous conversation I've ever heard.

[Adam Carolla]

I had this woman. We slept together. Oh, here it is. I have no.

[Allison Rosen]

Which one is she?

[Adam Carolla]

She's the one who's closest to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know who she is, but. But here's how fucking weird I am. Like, here's how what people don't understand about me and my sort of serial killer type mentality. I could have gotten her name. Like, I could have said after the show, what was her name? And then, like, googled her or something and found out we took a Groundlings class and, you know, 1991 or something. Wait a minute, hold on. I'd have to take a nap. Four or five characters in.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she has a short name, like Mo.

[Adam Carolla]

I have. I didn't know what it. Mo. The point is, is I left the place and I wasn't like, what's her name again? And I didn't watch the show, and I still don't know what her fucking name was. And I have no idea. And I don't give a shit, because my feeling. I don't know if you guys are like me, but here's my deal. If I slept with her, then I slept with her. Obviously, it wasn't that fantastic. And if I didn't, then it's academic.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, I think that that's a woman who does not understand men at all. Because women will sit there and really ruminate on the, like. And then I slept with this guy, and blah, blah, blah. And what was it like? I don't get the feeling that most guys are hung up on every person they slept with also. Do you really. I mean, do you really think that you were with her in that way?

[Adam Carolla]

I was. I must say. I did sleep with a girl once and then went to a restaurant. She'd given herself a nice makeover. That was only a couple years later. I mean, I was like. You know, slept over when I was like, I don't know, 20, 21, something like that, and then went to a restaurant with my friends and a few other guys when I was like, 23 or 24, and we're waiting to be seated, and I said, the hostess is hot. And one of my buddies went, you already slept with her? And I was like, huh? He said, yeah, that's Sheila. I'm making a name up.

[Brian Bishop]

So you yourself. The high five.

[Adam Carolla]

I did. I was like, really? I was like, wow, she's really pulling herself together. She looks good. And I felt good. And I thought, we got to go out to another restaurant, see if this happens again. Let's go to the fucking islands across the street, see what happens. But, no, I don't. I don't remember her at all, right? But here's the whole thing. I don't remember her, and it's not gonna change anything if I went and found out about her. So I don't think about it. And plus, I assume she's not, since she's on Drew's show, but that just.

[Allison Rosen]

Seems like an easy way to attempt to get your attention. Like, why not? It's like someone who comes up behind you. Guess who? Just tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

They do. Like, you don't remember me, do you? You know, it's that. But it's a class reunion where they put their hand over their name tag and go, come on, come on, come on. And it's like, all right, you didn't make a big fucking impression on me. Like, isn't this embarrassing for you?

[Brian Bishop]

When you open a conversation with a challenge, that's usually a dicky move.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Drew, guess what I did today. Drew and I would walk through airports and stuff, and people come backstage, and I just yell. You know, people come up to me once in a while, and they go, what makes you think that? And I just go, beat it, bitch. And because the second you came in, I was just like, beat it. Just get the fuck out of here. I could see what your deal was. And they'd bring him backstage to the shows. We did at colleges and all that kind of stuff. And Drew would always sit down and engage them, and then it would bother him that they were bothered by him and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he would try to convince them and stuff. It was really insane how sensitive he is.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I think I have an element of that Drew thing in me, which is where when people say stuff on Twitter, that will sort of get under my skin and I'll think about it. You don't have that really, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I do. Except for it's never. It's not about me. I did. I did Bill Simmons's podcast a few. Few weeks back, and we were talking about fast five, and there was a GT40 that was one of the cars that got like, car napped or something. And Bill said, ace, ace, I'm gonna communicate with you via the written word. How much for that GT40? And I said, well, that's not a real GT40. That's a kit car. That's not that fast. If it was a real GT40, it'd be worth like $5 million. And he's like, got, Jeez, me gotcha's me go back. Go best next. So I just threw up $5 million. A little hyperbole, but not much. I was reading some Twitter and it was like, heard, you know, Ewan Simmons on the show, and Adam doesn't know what he's talking about. Those GT 40s are 300 grand all day long, and the one that won Le Mans is under a million bucks. And I went fucking. I was like, crawling. I was in my hotel room in Milwaukee. I was like, is he fucking nuts? Find me one GT40. Find me a GT40 that's for sale. That's under $1 million. I'll come suck your cock right now. And the one that won Le Mans is worth, I don't know, $17 million. And it's just that kind of. Because I'll tell you why that drives me nuts. Because the people that are reading it think that this guy's the fucking expert and think I was just speaking out of school or exaggerating or what have you.

[Brian Bishop]

It's kinda like, who has the word? And in fact, he would have had the last word.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also, I'm the dumbo celebrity who's just sort of. Just sort of, you know, using hyperbole. And he does the casual. You find Those things under 300 all day long doesn't exist. You can get a Ford GT, which is a new car for under 200, but you can't get it a real GT40 for anything under a million dollars, at least. Not that I'm aware of. See, go online, see if we can find. If you can find one. Thanks. If you can find one for sale. They don't. They don't sell them. They made a handful of them.

[Allison Rosen]

And you'll suck his cock if you can.

[Adam Carolla]

I will suck his cock.

[Allison Rosen]

That's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I will. But I did not return his tweet. But that. You can say whatever you want about me, but that kind of stuff always fucking drives me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. When someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember that time about the Mad as I'd been on the radio is when I was explaining that a crescent wrench is actually an adjustable wrench and the crescent is just a branch name for the ranch.

[Brian Bishop]

When was this Loveline or radio show?

[Adam Carolla]

This was day five of the radio show. And, you know, like, clean it.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it a collar?

[Adam Carolla]

You explained to. Yeah, it was a collar. And he was. He was trying to get smart with me, you know, and he was going, it's a crescent wrench. I said, listen, a crescent wrench is a brand name. Adjustable wrench is what it's called. Technically, generically, even.

[Allison Rosen]

I know this and I know that's surprising.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like tissue paper and Kleenex. I mean, there are band aids or whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

It is a mistake to make as a crescent wrench is shaped. Adjustable wrench is shaped like a crescent. I'm just saying you could make that mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, no, it's not really. It's straight, but I guess it's kind of crescent at the end.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Sorry, the business end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he just thought he knew and I told him he didn't know. And he just kept going and kept going and kept going and he was pissing me off. And then later on I went and looked it up and I was fucking enraged in gorgeous. All right, so where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Forbes has released the list of the world's most powerful celebrities. Lady Gaga has knocked off Oprah Winfrey. Lady Gaga is the most powerful celebrity according to Forbes, then Oprah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. How do they figure this out?

[Allison Rosen]

They have a whole methodology.

[Brian Bishop]

They have a complicated algorithm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, they.

[Adam Carolla]

They really do.

[Brian Bishop]

I was curious myself. They did Gaga and, like, they have, like. I don't know if we can get a screenshot of it on Forbes.com they have a thing where they rank. Yeah, they rank celebrities in like four or five different categories.

[Allison Rosen]

They rank pay, money, tv, radio, press, web and social.

[Brian Bishop]

And then average it out to who is most powerful according to those. Yeah, that's it right there. I say money should probably win out, but they have a whole thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she makes 90 million and Oprah makes 290 million. And then Justin Bieber, who's number three, which is mind blowing, makes 53 million.

[Adam Carolla]

And so number one, she only ranks.

[Brian Bishop]

Eighth on the money scale. See what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Zopra, Justin Bieber, U2, Elton John, Tiger Woods, Taylor Swift, Bon fucking Jovi. I guess he's touring. Simon Cowell, LeBron James, Angelina. Yeah. Katy Perry, Johnny Depp, Kobe Bryant, Leonardo DiCaprio. Black Eyed. Peace. Holy.

[Allison Rosen]

How do we feel about you two? I'm a little tired of them.

[Brian Bishop]

They're making the money.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the band. I don't like any YouTube songs. Any old stuff's kind of cool. Yeah, some of the stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they bother me when you were a girl in high school?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like you two. Never really did. They're just. I don't know why. They're a good band. I just don't like them.

[Allison Rosen]

I find them to be painfully earnest.

[Adam Carolla]

They're a little preachy and it's like, buga buga buga buga buga buga. And also, I don't like every one of their songs. Their songs are mainly shitty. Like a couple of pretty good ones and mainly bad ones. And they pretend like they're singing about something. And here's all I'm saying. I don't know. My plan was basically, here's my challenge to Bono. How about if I do this, how about I take Bob Seger and I send him to your native Ireland and I just have him complain about how shitty Ireland is and how the people could be giving more and how they should be doing more and how they're using too much gas and all that kind of stuff. Because I feel like Bono, all he does is come over here and sort of bother us.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

He's just fly in our American ointment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Take your fucking shades and go back to Ireland. Fucking bitch over there with your bucka bucka bucka buck bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka bucka. I've never. I've never ever went like, hey, I really need to hear a U2 song. Even though they have some. It's like. It's one of these things to me. They're. They're sort of like the Red Hot Chili Peppers for me, which is good band. Never have to hear another song. Never have to hear. Never have to hear them yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm never like, oh, under the bridge.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn it up, turn it up. Gotta hear the song.

[Allison Rosen]

Ugh. Speaking of touring and music, I think they.

[Adam Carolla]

I think Bono just sort of sits around and goes, what song would I look coolest singing? And we would. And what would people think were the coolest? Let's sing one about Martin Luther King and all that kind of stuff. You know, they're just. I don't know. They're just kind of a mediocre band to me. I know everyone loves them. They're great in concert. They're talented. I feel sorry for Larry Mullins. Always laugh that they're saying, there's, like, what, you guys are in a band. What's your name? I'm the Edge. What's your name? I'm Bono. And what's your name? I'm Larry. Larry needs a fucking good name, doesn't he?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he does.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want.

[Allison Rosen]

But you think this is. It's got to be a choice.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a. There's a little of that pretentious rock thing.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot. But it's little. A lot. It's. It's. I'm glad we all hate you, too. We should start a.

[Brian Bishop]

Love YouTube. But I like their songs that don't. Maybe don't get played on. That's a very hipster thing to say. Some of their songs you don't get played on the radio quite so much. Are awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I. I never have to hear this fucking song again. And here's the deal. I have. There's tons of great music out there. There's just tons of fucking great music that has never been played on the radio. And you can just continuously listen to that and you don't have to hear the same. Dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So fuck them.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, fuck them. Let's fuck them in silence. Katy Perry's Concert Writer has been released on the Smoking Gun, and it is 45 pages, and it outlaws carnations. And there's some specific furniture requirements.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I tell you mine?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you don't want to hear.

[Allison Rosen]

It, but I do.

[Adam Carolla]

We were playing the Schnitzer in Portland. Thank you, Portland, for a great show. And my concert rider is light beers, water, coffee, and a tray of vegetables. Like one of those plastic ones that comes in the whatever as you get over at the Gelson's for $14 with a little dip in the middle. Mike August added Cookies. He added oatmeal cookies to the rider. For him, the Schnitzers. It's all this fucking union bullshit. And the theaters just gouged the fuck out of you. And so he called the rider and the vegetable. And by the way, when I say vegetable platter, I'm literally talking about one of those plastic party trays. Like the ones when you work in a really shitty office and you're having a really bad birthday party and somebody's in charge. Someone who makes $9 an hour, who's in charge of getting the fucking snacks. And they get the carrots and the little peas and all things. Yeah, I'd say low end, $7.99. High end, you're probably $14.99. They would charge 385 bucks for it.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you serious?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's how they do it. They just gouge the fuck out of. Out of everybody. I mean, Katy Perry doesn't know and doesn't care and makes so much money that it doesn't matter.

[Allison Rosen]

Carrots dipped in gold.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Do we have. Is this my rider?

[Allison Rosen]

That's your rider. Let's release it.

[Brian Bishop]

7. 7. 10 of that is a ranch dressing. And that says, please provide bottled waters. Miller Light bottled beers, pot of hot coffee, a veggie tray with a ranch dressing. Very specific. A plate of oatmeal cookies, and one unopened bottle of Pinot Noir.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Like, only brown M and M's.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And half the time, this shit isn't even in there. And this time, Schnitzer, it was not there because Mike August Mike called me and he was like, I want 385 bucks for a veggie platter. I was like, well, fuck that. I'll eat some carrots before I go over there. And it's like, all right. And he nixed it. Good for him.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How'd you get your roughage?

[Adam Carolla]

They were missing the coffee, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? I feel like that should just be standard. And I know because I've noticed when we do our shows, you always want coffee and beer before you go on, and half the time, it's takes a little. Little wrangling.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you noticed that about me in my life and that all I do is repeat the same things over and over and over again, and it's like.

[Allison Rosen]

As if 50 first dates every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Is a fucking brand new day. Yes. More like groundhog. Yeah, that too. Like, yeah. Oh, what, you want a coffee? Yeah. Same one I asked for every fucking show, right? Yes. Yep. This was the same Thing at the schnitz, I was like, oh, you want a coffee? Let's see if I can find one guy went over to the Starbucks, like, down the street and got one. Yeah, let's hear the rest. I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that must be what it's like for Katy Perry when they have carnations in the room. Because she does not want carnations.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

She wants a selection of seasonal white flowers to include white orchids, white and purple hydrangeas, pink and white roses, and peonies. Adam, how come you don't detail the kind of flowers you want?

[Adam Carolla]

In Europe, that'd probably be 1500 bucks. I mean, Katy Perry, I guarantee would Plots. If you sat her down and told her what these theaters are probably charging her for this shit. Their thing is like, yeah, you can have what you want. We'll take it off the top.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's like a mini bar. Charge gout.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just whatever. It's. I've called a maxi bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah, you would. You did.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll get whatever you want, and they'll just charge you 10 times whatever market value is for it. So they're actually probably happy when they do it. And they just knock that right off the top. There we go. What else they do?

[Allison Rosen]

Dried apples or pears and. So this is more stuff from Katy Perry's Ryder Freeze. Dried strawberries, whole wheat, pita bread, and crackers. Let's see. Electric tea kettle, six vitamin waters, Fused. Thunderize. Assorted flavors. Wait, scroll down and get to the part. Some other stuff. Salt. What a diva.

[Adam Carolla]

Box of paper tissues. Can I say this about this? A lot of this stuff has to do with other people entertaining people who come backstage. Also, the person puts together the thing. They just put it together. They don't sometimes even like the flowers. That doesn't have to be Katy Perry. That can be Katy Perry's person wanting this for her.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Katy walks in every time, and they're there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's a lot of people handling shit that doesn't necessarily. We all like to go. I bet Katy Perry is sitting down and cranking out this thing on her diva hello Kitty notepad. But a lot of it just turns into other people getting involved.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, see, like, okay. Chauffeurs are not allowed to start a conversation with the client. Wheel men are similarly barred from conversing with Perry's guests or fans. They are directed not to stare at the back seat through the rearview mirror. Drivers should not ask for autographs or pictures. But I Mean that. I don't know. That seems standard.

[Adam Carolla]

That could be her or that could just be her person that does this and her person that does this does this. And also, I must say, as pathetic as it is, get picked up as I chronicled. I swear to God. Get Mike. Mike lynch in here. Get Mike lynch in here. Get lynch in here.

[Allison Rosen]

Mike lynch is on the microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

Seriously, when we. When we got picked up in kc, I know we'd chronicled this on the air, but I walked out on the curb, there were two cars to come get us. The first car I looked at was so filthy that I went, I got to get in the next car. And I hadn't seen the next car. I mean, it was filthy. There was no fucking. I mean, from. This is from 14ft away, right? It wasn't like I'd gotten into the car and went, wow, does it smell? Each of them was about half a car, actually. I stood out in the curb and I was like, that's a fucking filthy, old fucked up. I mean, you could see where the dirt had washed away with the windshield wipers. And the fucking fat slacker with the crazy hair, like, on the car had no headliner. I mean, literally, the headliner was torn away. I can't fucking believe it. But here's the thing that drives me nuts. Listen, fat ass, wash your fucking car, you shit. You're picking up people at the fucking airport. What? Take a fucking hose to your car.

[Allison Rosen]

Lynette would have.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't. Get the fucking rubbing compound out. Yeah, it wasn't fucking. It wasn't 5am it was 6 in the evening. It was a Saturday. Get the fucking hose out, you fucking slacker piece of shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So tired of 1200 or 1500 seat theater. Even if you've never met them, you know who they are.

[Mike August]

This is somebody who has drawing power.

[Adam Carolla]

Clean your car. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't claim to be a big celebrity, but whoever you pick up from the airport, in this particular instance, we are playing a massive theater in the middle of town. Big, high ceiling, multi decked, you know, 1200 seat venue. Now, maybe it's the Buffalo Gay Man's Choir, or maybe it's Adam Carolla, or maybe it's Tony Both or Tony Bennett, right? But either way, whoever you're picking up sold this fucking huge venue out. So once you take a hose to the car, right, Filled with shit, just filled with just junk. The guys all fucking falling apart. And then the car we got into was almost as shitty, and the guy had no idea where the motel was.

[Allison Rosen]

The theater sent these people over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they sent these. Yes. And as I've said, Dr. Drew climbed into the back of a Celica that had a fresh load of dirty hamper laundry. The literal hamper. Sitting shotgun. I took the front seat. Drew climbed to the back of a two door 79 Celica and there's a big pile of dirty clothes. It's like, I know. And people do this, Ah, these are just college kids. Or you know what it's like when you're fucking 22 or you're 19. When I was fucking 19 or 20, if you told me to pick up anybody from the fucking airport, I would have taken the goddamn hamper out of the fucking back of the car. Like, I would have done a. I'm gonna give the car fucking once over. Adam, you have to go pick up lover boy. It's hot. Hot. Fucking feeling the heat on the street.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, Drew, you throw the Thomas Guide to the other side of the back at least, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Drew and I would get picked up. We. We went with a dude who stopped.

[Allison Rosen]

At his house to get what had.

[Adam Carolla]

To change his jeans. He was wearing blue jeans and he got into black jeans. And we sat in his driveway of his apartment, me and Drew, and people were knocking on the window. Hey, Loveline. Well, we sat in this guy's fucking Tercel. Oh. So what happens? I'll tell you what happens is, what happens is you get home after about the 55th one of these trips, and you just fucking yell at your manager and you just go, hey, man, no more. When you have fucking. We need a car. Need a town car and a fucking professional driver. And a guy wears a jacket. I don't want any fucking stops over at the goddamn guy's house. And I get on his fucking hamper in the backseat of fucking car. He just does. And next, you know, it kind of turns into that.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is why it would be fine if a normal person pulled up in a normal car. I'm not uptight. It ain't no big deal. But they fucking push. I mean, we, we've had. We had the chicks last. But I've been to KC twice in my life. Twice in my entire life. One time to play at the University of Kansas. Picked up by two ditzy chicks in a Pathfinder that was not worthy for the road. Not the Dixie chick and had no idea where the hotel was, who then picked us up late from the hotel to take us to the deal, to take us to the venue because they were eating Dinner. And it ran late. Who then couldn't find the venue and got us to the venue late. So the show started a half hour late. Who then, on the way home, couldn't find the hotel. That was the first time in Kansas City. This was the second time Kansas City went back. Third time I waited 10 years. Third time I go to Kansas City. Guess who's gonna have a rider and want a professional car?

[Allison Rosen]

Katy Perry.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

And you. Yeah. No, now I totally get why. Yeah. You'd think that driving around would be one of the most important things that happens with the performer. Getting to the venue, literally coming back.

[Adam Carolla]

From the Kansas City airport and these two ditz balls in front looking back at me and Dr. Going, you guys know where the hotel is? Oh, yeah. I was fucking. I mapped this city many. I've walked this city many times. Many times.

[Brian Bishop]

My dad, the famous cartographer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sure. Call me the fucking Lewis and Clark of Kansas City and Drew the Magellan of kc not to prolong this, but didn't. Didn't you also ask them to bring you to a good Kansas City barbecue joint? And I did. And we ended up at essentially a Sizzler. But to be fair to them, it was 12:30 because we got lost and there wasn't any place open anymore. Yeah. All right, let me wrap the news for now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, Kansas City.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Yeah. Oh, man. This. This GD Amazon thing is really going through the roof, you guys. It's unbelievable how much business we have sent to Amazon through our website and through you guys. It's over. Goddamn whelming. It's just amazing. And I'm blown away by this. I'm sitting down with a Cousin Sandy looking at some of the charts today on this computer. It's mind numbing. And it's all you guys. Amazon.com great deals. You guys shop on Amazon. Anyway, so you click through AdamCarolla.com and we get a couple percentage points. And they're in love with us because we got to be number one, certainly in podcasts for those guys. You can support the show. You can use the Amazon link on our side. You can even bookmark them. That's what you need to do. Bookmark them. And you [e-mail] and every purchase we get a little something. And again, it's like Paul Newman dressing, except for he ain't gouging you for them. Kids in the Wall. Hole in the Wall Gang. Kids in the Wall in the hole. I love that sketch group.

[Allison Rosen]

If you have a hole in the wall, you should put kids in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is agreed. Unbeatable convenience, amazing prices, great shipping rates. It's Amazon. You can trust those guys. And just click through AdamCarolla.com it is mind numbing how loyal you guys have been and is blowing Amazon away. So please, please keep it up. We love every second of it. Yes, I agree.

[Brian Bishop]

I see they give me the Film Vault reports. People still buy them through other shows on the network. All goes to the same piece. But it's nice to know that, you know, Film Vault, for example, I just, we get pages and pages of reports saying, oh, people bought stuff, and people bought stuff. It's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

It's overwhelming. So thank you and please keep it up. And again, we're not asking you to go out and buy something you don't need, but if you need something and you go through Amazon or not, click through our page and let us wet our beak. All right, we'll take ourselves a break. Stephen Root is here and we'll talk to him next. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Krolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game, live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with bet online. Bet online. The game starts here. Yeah. Back with Steven Root. Stephen, you know, from Office Space, News, radio, Dodgeball, True Blood. You know, he's one of these guys, you know in a heartbeat if you saw him. He's got a charity. He's making money for the Shakespeare center of Los Angeles.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, I'm chilling for that today.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I did something for them.

[Stephen Root]

Did you? Did you ever do one of their stage readings? That's how I got involved with them.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how to read.

[Stephen Root]

Well, see, that's what they do. They make Shakespeare accessible to people. That's their whole gig.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen the ones with like Tom Hanks and.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, that's the one Tom and Rita do every year. And they get a whole Bunch of a list stars. I don't know why I did it, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's. I mean, no, yeah, I mean, what? Huh? Yeah, I've saw the one they did a couple years ago. You do. You do. You see those things and you go, oh, this is why Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey Grammer. Like, you go, oh, he's really good. Yeah, like, you do notice the difference. Like, you go, you can't tell so much when you're watching a sitcom, but you watch two and a half or what feels like four hours of guys up on stage reading from a script that's in their hand and not missing a syllable.

[Stephen Root]

You go, well, he's theater trained. A bunch of us are. All old people are theater trained. And it's a good thing, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

In the long run.

[Stephen Root]

But. Yeah, so I'm there. Should I go ahead and chill now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead. No, I was involved with this charity. I did. I did the big comedy barbecue beer fest over at the house a few years ago.

[Stephen Root]

Well, what the gig is now is they're involved in this online community giving contest, and they've already got through round one where they got $25,000 grant. One of two theater companies of a hundred organizations that got that. Now they're now in round two and they're trying to get the big $500,000 prize. So we're going to, you know, hopefully.

[Adam Carolla]

Get your viewers, listeners, and is it.

[Stephen Root]

Crazy People involved in that is the deal.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my wife's talked about this a million times, but, you know, I tend to tune out when people bring up Shakespeare. But they've. They bring Shakespeare to the common man, to the kids, inner city and that kind of thing.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And they got. They got like a program called Willpower where they got veterans. They pay teens and veterans to make their own versions of a Shakespeare play, and then they perform it themselves in that facility. So they have a lot of educational classes and plus they put on full productions. I did one of Much Ado About Nothing right before Christmas with Helen Hunt and David Ogden Stiers and Lyle Lovett, believe it or not, came on and really sang like four songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they get. They get guys when. They'll. When they'll do the Shakespeare night, they'll get. Jackson Brown, I think, was playing at the one. Absolutely.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah. Well, this was a full production.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is. Not that. Yeah, we.

[Stephen Root]

But you got to wear.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you got to wear high boots.

[Stephen Root]

I got to wear high boots and a leather coat. I was the villain.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, great. Yeah, it was. I'D never seen a Shakespeare play. I mean, I was 40, I don't know, 4 years old or something. I'd never seen. See, I'm from North Hollywood. Like, it never came up. It's such a weird. Me either.

[Stephen Root]

I was a Midwest kid. You know, I didn't. I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't get discussed in English class in high school. You'd think there are things you'd think would come up in high school at least once. Not. Not so much over at North Hollywood High. No.

[Stephen Root]

So it's good. I mean, Shakespeare was for the people of his time, and they're trying to make that, you know, still viable now. So I think it's a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do those things every once in a while where they go. Turns out when inner city kids read nine or more hours of Shakespeare on a daily basis, they tend not to join gangs. It's like, yeah, no shit.

[Stephen Root]

Because they're asleep. That's not true. Because it's. They really do a good job. So here's the. Here's what they got to do. They got to go to. Do you have the little chyron thing you can put up there?

[Adam Carolla]

You'll throw something.

[Stephen Root]

Okay. It's a www.lashakesthevote.org la shakesthevote.org. you go on there and you say you like the online community giving thing. And then you vote for, you know, the Shakespeare Company of la, and hopefully they'll get enough votes to get that big, big $500,000 grant. It'd be a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, it says here that you donated $100,000 to the university of Florida.

[Stephen Root]

That seems wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

That does seem wrong. Is that true?

[Stephen Root]

It's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that tuition now?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just.

[Stephen Root]

It would be now. Not for me back then.

[Adam Carolla]

You went to the University of Florida?

[Stephen Root]

I did. I'm a gator. Can't help it.

[Adam Carolla]

And 100,000 bucks.

[Stephen Root]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like a lot of money.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, well, you know, there's no reason for me to be in the business without them, you know, that's really.

[Adam Carolla]

You look at it that way?

[Stephen Root]

Well, I kind of. I kind of do. Because I wouldn't have without that school and without that training and straight on from that school to New York doing three years of Shakespeare on the road, I wouldn't be in the business.

[Adam Carolla]

So people, you know, you hear people talking that way about schools that are in Boston but not Florida so much. But. So you. You majored in theater?

[Stephen Root]

I did, but I didn't until I was a junior I switched over. I was in journalism. I was one of those guys that it was, you know, was going to be a broadcaster, but everybody started talking like this, and I was way too stunned. I couldn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

And so did now. What did your dad. Your dad was a construction supervisor.

[Stephen Root]

He was. He was a guy on steam power plants, and then he finally got into atomic plants at the end of his life. But, yeah, so I was like an army brat. I moved every, like, year, year and a half, but all around the Midwest.

[Adam Carolla]

And what was his plan for you? I'm sure it doesn't sound like kind of thing, but that acting doesn't sound the kind of thing that would thrill a dude like that.

[Stephen Root]

No, I did a lot of. I did a lot of. I was a laborer for him, you know, on any. Any number of jobs, but I didn't know what I was going to do. So, like I said, just, you know, kind of snuck into it in Florida. I was going to be something, and then took a class and went, that's easy. I can do that. And went from there.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there a Stephen Root hall of something now?

[Stephen Root]

There is a Stephen Root Shadow Box Theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in. On the. In the University of Florida campus.

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean? Is that black box theater?

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, it's a small. It's a small space where they do, you know, experimental stuff. So it's fun.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good things to podcast there.

[Stephen Root]

And we may.

[Adam Carolla]

They've renamed it to dude from Dodgeball, by the way, because a lot of kids weren't identifying. I mean, look, it's better. That's right.

[Stephen Root]

Fat guy, student.

[Adam Carolla]

Other kids. So now as an. As an actor, like Jace, it's funny because there's the actors. There's the actors. You know, there's your. Your Tom Hanks is in. Your Tom Cruises is.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, they make money and they do all right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they're the sort of perpetual servers who, you know, look, let's face it, never. Never getting out of that Chili's in Agora. And then there's all of us in between and. But you're an actor.

[Stephen Root]

I would hope so at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

And see, I always feel like, well, I'm a comedian, so I'm sort of like a hot chick who, if I want to whore myself out, there's always gonna be some Asian businessman who's gonna drop a few dollars on my ass.

[Stephen Root]

Gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

And I can take it somewhere and actually just go make some money. But as an actor, I would feel insecure if I was just going out on auditions and thinking, like, should I buy that new car? Which car should I buy? Can we move to that new house there?

[Stephen Root]

Looks for a job every freaking day. Yeah, and that's hard. It's hard to go every day looking for a new job. But it's, you know, it's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But how? Like, I remember talking to Sarah Silverman about this years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you drop something?

[Adam Carolla]

And she's like living in an apartment, you know, and at this point, this is about seven years ago or something, I was at her apartment and I was like, why don't you get yourself a condo or house or something? It's like, you know, you never know, you know, kind of thing. And I like the thing.

[Stephen Root]

You know, you gotta bank whatever you make for the most part. Cause you might make nothing for three years.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand, but I said, what has the last 10 years been like for you? She's been like, I've made, you know, good money every. And I go, well, let's just assume the next 10 years are going to be that way and get a fucking condo already.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you guys ever assume it?

[Stephen Root]

Oh, do I ever what?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you ever feel like, yeah, I know that I'm doing well and it'll continue? Or is there always fear?

[Stephen Root]

No. And every. Every a list star that I know goes, I'll never get a job again. And that seems to be the mindset of every actor that I know of is like, we'll never get a job again. I don't know why. I think that's just part of being an actor.

[Adam Carolla]

But cocky enough to drop off 100 grand is all my money. Something's going on.

[Stephen Root]

I don't know, it was a tax thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a weird, you know, I, I interviewed Francis Ford Coppola and he said I couldn't really work in this town. Like, I, I don't think I could get a job directing a lot of movies. He was serious, serious. He said, I could get a job doing a gangster movie, but I couldn't. Oh, there's two of us now. I don't think I could get a job. Just, you know, I wouldn't have my pick of the litter. I couldn't come to Hollywood and go, hey, man, Franz Ford Coppola wants to get involved with this, whatever, and start directing, you know, Fast Six or whatever the follow up to Fast Five is gonna be.

[Brian Bishop]

Sadly, he's right.

[Adam Carolla]

He is. That's. That's the way the business works. I mean, here's a guy who's a Legend. And I'm sure they'd give him all the Godfather fours in the world, but they're not gonna give. Not gonna just let him do a rom com.

[Stephen Root]

No. And it's different though. I mean, when I was doing theater in New York and I got to the point where I was actually doing off Broadway and then I did Broadway and then I said, okay, time to come to la because I'm not just a piece of meat. And you get there and you do two lines on Roseanne and you do, you know, or Harry show or something because you have to start off at the beginning again and when you're done.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing the coke, then how many lines, how much actual dialogue did they give you?

[Stephen Root]

Not very much.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, you came to LA because you aren't just a piece of meat?

[Stephen Root]

No. Well, I wasn't at that point because I was doing the Broadway company of Driving Miss Daisy with Julie Harris and we came here and we sat here and so all the casting directors would come to see her and Brock Peters three person show. They had to see me, right? So, you know, it was time to get. If I was gonna make any money, I had to come and do film and tv. So that's what I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so far it's working.

[Stephen Root]

It's all right. I paid the rent, paid a mortgage and.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you married? Are you living alone?

[Stephen Root]

I am. I know I'm married.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking at your hand, I see a ring.

[Stephen Root]

Let's see. Wait, what's up?

[Allison Rosen]

Your hand is flirting with me.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah. You know what? My wife gets mad at me all the time because I don't wear it, but it's a little big and it falls off. So I don't get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure it does. Yeah.

[Stephen Root]

No, I'm married to Romy Rosemont who recurs on Glee. She's Finn's mom on Glee.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that's a gay trick question. It is. I'm not gonna fall for that. Oh, Rosie. Oh, my God. Yeah, her. She's awesome.

[Stephen Root]

That's a very pretty lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You know how there's voice twins out there? If you close your eyes, you know, Kevin Smith voice twins. Remark.

[Allison Rosen]

Your voices must get that all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. I just did Red State. Yeah. Red de.

[Stephen Root]

Red state. Oh, awesome. We did. We did. We opened that tour that he did of it. Radio city music hall. 4,000 people.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm hearing it too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's really awesome how well he draws going around. It's crazy going around town. Yeah.

[Stephen Root]

I did one in New Orleans as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you do the Will turn out here.

[Stephen Root]

I didn't get to because I was doing a premiere for another movie in Washington, D.C. at the moment.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy to my far. The guy, the far right of that picture is my old roommate, Ralph Garman.

[Stephen Root]

John Goodman, the man Goodman.

[Adam Carolla]

And Ralph Garmin was in the movie. And I was like, oh, there's my buddy Ralph. My old roommate Ralph.

[Stephen Root]

He was cool in it, too.

[Adam Carolla]

He's good ax. Ever. He never said a word. They did not have a syllable, literally. Not a syllable in that. So you watched it at Race City. 4,000 people. Jesus Christ. What a rush.

[Stephen Root]

Unbelievable. And to stand on that stage was like standing on a fucking football field three times.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Stephen Root]

I still haven't seen that one. That's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

We're planning on playing a little. What? Can't Adam complain about the staff edition? We have $8, but somehow the money's left us. We still gonna play that? We're gonna go for that Mike or. No, we don't need to.

[Brian Bishop]

We can talk to Steve.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw the $8 left, so. Well, I slipped that back into my pocket. Okay, well, you want to.

[Allison Rosen]

You wily son of a bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, why don't you sit on that literally, until the next time we're gonna do it, then should we do the rest of the news and Stephen can sit in and just.

[Stephen Root]

I never listen to the news. This would be good for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can talk over it if you like.

[Stephen Root]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I do.

[Allison Rosen]

The world's oldest woman has been announced. And remember, I announced the world's oldest man or woman recently.

[Stephen Root]

Isn't that Paul McCartney?

[Adam Carolla]

Ash and Kutcher already fucked her.

[Brian Bishop]

Too soon?

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's Maria gomes Valentum. She's 114 years old and 313 days. And I hope that's what she tells people when they ask. And she's the oldest living person according to Guinness World Records. Our friends over at the Guinness got the podcast record.

[Adam Carolla]

Stephen.

[Stephen Root]

I did her. That's wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, Steven, she was in her name. So it was a while back. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

She's Brazilian and she's young at heart.

[Stephen Root]

Oh, God bless her.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's kind of nice. It's kind of touching, but once you hit 100, we all become the same nationality. Everyone's hair gets the same color. Everyone turns about the same color. The wrinkles just overtake. There's no. You can tell. You can't tell she's Brazilian. She could be from any part of Europe or any part of this country. There's no.

[Brian Bishop]

She could pass for Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

She passed for anything. She could be black. She could be anything. And that's the beauty.

[Allison Rosen]

At least she's retained her looks.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, she has. Except for what looks like a huge blackhead on the right side of her. Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's her eyebrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way. Oh, I see. Either way. Either way. God bless her.

[Allison Rosen]

See, at my sister's wedding, we were talking to one of her friends who is in medical school right now, and she's trying to figure out what specialty she wants to go into, and she's choosing between kids and old people.

[Adam Carolla]

Pediatric or geriatric. Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

And then she decided that if she didn't get to work with old people, she would feel like she was really missing something more than young people. Like, she just loves working on old people. And I think my sister was like, but aren't they kind of gross?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, they are.

[Stephen Root]

They smell. Yeah, I do. My body is decaying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

You too young?

[Stephen Root]

No, darling, I'm almost 60.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What, you've been preserving yourself? Well.

[Stephen Root]

Well, I use Dove with a quarter cleansing cream.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I would have thought you used salon brands.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but here's the whole thing. Like, we know we sort of grew up with this fallacy that old people had a certain wisdom that they could share with you until they forget it. Yeah. Ever talk to old people? Like, ah, what do you think? I think the Padres are gonna be this year. They should be all right. And then that's about it. You go. And then at some point, they go, I had a Buick in 61. That was a great car. A great car. They say twice, and then you think, this old fuck doesn't know anything. I thought it was gonna be imparting wisdom to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Where are the avuncular old people who pull you aside and tell you things they've learned from all their years on this earth and give you sage words that you can carry with you? Well, I have yet to be fired.

[Stephen Root]

They fired all them.

[Adam Carolla]

And think about this. Think about all your dopey friends now with just another 50 years on them. Do you think they're gonna know anything that they don't know now? They'll be that much dumber.

[Brian Bishop]

Ray's gonna be amazing.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

My buddy Ray this. You take Ray and take him from now, and then you just add 400,000 beers. He'll just be shorter, and then he'll just be a little bit shorter. His breath will smell because you're not gonna get anything out of him.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Yet still freakishly strong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So remember we talked about the mother who was on Good Morning America with her daughter? The girl was eight years old and the mom had supposedly injected. Yeah. The eight year old girl with Botox. And then Child Protective services came in and took the daughter away. Well, lo and behold, it appears that the whole thing was a hoax.

[Adam Carolla]

Makes sense. Well, I was saying why. I understand why you're giving your 8 year old Botox and I wouldn't do anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And I was thinking, why do they have all these photos of her bruised and with an ice pack and also like that girl could be in a pageant. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of rough. Yeah.

[Stephen Root]

So anyway, to be on tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's like bubble. Balloon boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Bubble boy. Balloon boy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, balloon boy. Bubble boy was a way back. That's an immune system problem.

[Stephen Root]

Me and Adam, remember bubble boy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure. The boy in the plastic bubble. John Travolta. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't his mom just come up along the side and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the saddest part was the title of that. Hey, we got this miniseries where John Travolta is trapped in a plastic bubble. What should we call it? He's, by the way, he's a young lad. Boy in a plastic. What's a bubble made out of, Tim? What's it made of? Burlap? Plastic. Plastic. Yeah. All right, I got it. What? And let's not forget, I'm the guy who named the La Brea Tar Pit. So I think I know what I'm doing. The boy in the plastic Bubble. Brilliant. Let's eat. That's why I get the big box.

[Allison Rosen]

Or do you think they're like. Well, let's just talk about this boy in the plastic bubble tomorrow.

[Stephen Root]

I love that. You got it up there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's great. Yeah, yeah. So evidently Travolta met his wife there. Or his girlfriend who died of cancer, played his mom or something.

[Brian Bishop]

He was no boy. That's Travolta. The man in the bubble.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

Bubble man?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the Michael Jackson song.

[Stephen Root]

The Hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Well, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

Strapping lad in a bubble.

[Adam Carolla]

He was. He was. Please find the song Letter in by John Travolta. Please. All right, now hold on. Couple things. This is why we can never get through the news. I understand John Travolta was 46 when he played that role. I don't know how old he was. All right, he was 20 years old. He was supposed to be 16 or something like that. I do believe I do believe that his girlfriend was his mom, who was about 20 years a senior Greek, and she died of cancer. And it was one of those things. Let me just turn it up a little bit. It's ironically, somewhat letting her in. But he's in a bubble.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Aren't we all though, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

So true. But she did like a box cutter to get into that, to really get let in, you know. Now I like this part.

[Brian Bishop]

Jaws of life.

[Adam Carolla]

There's one, you know. You know, when celebrities do albums, they can kind of mask it with, you know, a little overdubbing and some background singing filter and a little auto tune or something like that. It did not work in this particular case. He met a 40 year old Diana Hyland, Began dating, eventually fell in love. He was nearly 18 years. Oh, she was nearly 18 years old. Okay, hold on. Turn it up now. Here's where it is. Turn it up. I mean up, baby. Now here's. Here's right here. Listen. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Acoustics.

[Stephen Root]

Shocking that you know it that well.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, I didn't hear you talk. Rewind again. Rewind. I hear it one more time. I hear you. There it is. How did those conversations go? Like, how come my agent isn't. Baby doll, you got to cut it out. This podcast thing's going through the roof and we need an album now. And I'm like, I can't. But I can't sing. I mean, people say to him, like, I cannot sing.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't worry about that anymore. It's definitely not a concern.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, anyway, she was getting divorced and she was 18 years older than he was.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was 22 during Boy in the Plastic Level.

[Brian Bishop]

He died only four months after the TV movie aired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, terrible.

[Allison Rosen]

There should be another TV movie about that.

[Stephen Root]

A terrible story.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's terrible. She wanted to know about. Talk about someone who needed a bubble. That's. She needed that bubble. Yeah. So he's very. But that whole, you know when they do that John Travolta's gay talk.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do know when they do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give that kind of stuff much thought. I don't really much care. But when I hear these kinds of stories, it always feels like, well, that ain't helping why they fell in love.

[Allison Rosen]

They probably did it before she died.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, let me tell you, if I'm 18 or if I'm a 22 year old Vinnie Barberino coming fresh off that pockets full of cash, I'm focusing squarely on the 18 to 18 in a month demographic. C cup and above demographic. Yeah. The 40 year old gals coming off a divorce. Probably not. Not my crosshairs or puke hairs either. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So you think the Ashton Demi thing is just a weird anomaly? Well, she's gonna have trouble keeping a grip on him.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a, it's a weird thing. She was a very beautiful woman and. No, I mean that's kind of thing where you have to understand if, if there's this other thing, there's this other phenomenon which is more the Brian Austin Green phenomenon which is if the young lady saw you when she was nine in your highly successful sitcom or 90210 or whatever you were doing. See, there's this weird grandfathered, like how.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to go out with David Faustino.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I don't really. Wait a minute. First off, if you're serious, we're fighting because there's only one of my skin. So I think I'm more than worse. I've made myself clear on this. More than once. More than once.

[Allison Rosen]

It's worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're nine years old and you're watching David Faustino, you're just some fucking nine year old who lives in Wichita and he's a rich guy who lives in Hollywood. And then at some point you become a hot 23 year old starlet and he becomes a guy who's opening boat shows in the marina. But in your mind he's still that hot dude that you wanted. And that's where that phenomenon comes in, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. When the X crosses or you have some way of putting it in your book.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the X theory as it pertains to men and women, I'm saying. But there is an X theory of almost no matter who you are, and especially sadly because of the double standard mostly involving age for men, that at a certain point, even though I was 11 and like, oh my God, Wonder Woman's the hottest chick on the planet.

[Stephen Root]

Barbara Eden for me. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point, Wonder Woman would be lucky to fuck me. Our ex would. Right now, Adam, that's like I crossed Charlene Tilton like nine years ago from Dallas.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Passed her right by, right? Everybody. I grew up watching on TV and lusting. I mean, it's like I. Hey, if I threw Barbie Benton a fuck, it'd be a good day for her.

[Stephen Root]

You hot baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm saying there's an X and you eventually cry. I mean it's, it's like Larry, what's his name? Marrying Miller. No, Larry Kradinsky or whatever. His name is. No, he married Elizabeth Taylor. You know what I mean? It's like he's guys with a mullet. He's a roofer with a. They both had mullets back then. But the boys like the guy's rumor. Why? Well, because he's a 62 year old Liz Taylor now. You ain't getting. You ain't getting the 19 year old this day. That's just one of those. Oh, see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Like Sunset Boulevard.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Stephen Root]

Well, just, just, you know, market this, the X thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about the market. And I'm gonna tell my young son, you know, I mean, he's five years old, you know, maybe, maybe when he's like, you know, he's. He's thinking about Katy Perry or something. Don't worry, at some point you will cross. At some point she's gonna be 61 and out of work and you're gonna be a 39 year old stud and you'll be able to fuck her.

[Stephen Root]

And she'll be happy about it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. She'll tip you out.

[Stephen Root]

I got it.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause like a year ago I had this stupid, boneheaded, tiny fling with a 23 year old or something. And my friend was just saying, there's no way this is gonna work. And I was thinking, yeah, duh, right. But specifically, there's no way it'll work because even if somehow you guys, you know, managed to like cobble together some relationship, which is not what it was about, you know, he's about 69.

[Adam Carolla]

All day long.

[Allison Rosen]

No, my phones are creaky.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand.

[Allison Rosen]

So, you know, he's. There's no way his attraction will be sustained because you're old.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what your friends hold you?

[Allison Rosen]

Essentially, yeah. And I said, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I never felt better. It wasn't because you're old, it was because you will be. Just the way men are. He's gonna want a young 20 something was what my friend was saying, which is probably true.

[Adam Carolla]

John Travolta's gay Sugar Ray Leonard in.

[Allison Rosen]

A new book coming out says he was. Guess I bet. You know, what's he gonna reveal in a memoir?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, you're always molested.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Yeah, that's what he's going to be revealing. He says he was sexually abused as a teenager by a prominent Olympic coach.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. He makes the claim in his upcoming autobiography, the Big My Life in and out of the Ring. He was assaulted by the unnamed coach on two occasions. The first was when he was competing at A tournament in Utica, New York, when he was 15. The second, several years later, happened in a car parked in a deserted lot when the coach was was discussing with him his prospects in the 1976 Olympics.

[Adam Carolla]

Good looking kid.

[Allison Rosen]

Quote, before I knew it, he had unzipped my pants and put his hand, then mouth on an area that has haunted me for life. Utica. I didn't scream. I didn't look at him.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird. Have a haunted penis.

[Allison Rosen]

I just opened the door and ran. Now and then, he says, I realized I would never be free unless I revealed the whole truth, no matter how.

[Adam Carolla]

Much it hurt with a knife. Advance. Somebody should have warned Marvin Hagler about this because I feel like he took that fight way too lightly. And if you'd known that he'd been sexually abused. Absolutely. Essentially, he's gonna take it out on you with his fist.

[Brian Bishop]

Good alibi, though. Haunted penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Haunted penis, mate. Worst ride in Disneyland, by the way. Yeah, don't bring the kids, but a great movie. Yeah, awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Buzz Bissinger says. Do you know who that is?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Buzz Bissinger?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Buzz Bissinger, the writer.

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, absolutely. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Buzzer says that Sugar Ray Leonard, he doesn't believe this because he sat with Sugar Ray Leonard and interviewed him extensively for screen.

[Stephen Root]

He's English, he doesn't believe nothing that didn't happen.

[Allison Rosen]

And he says that he thinks this would have come up and it didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Steven say Buzz Bissinger, as English a tongue as you can. We'll do a thing where you're drunk, Buzz Bissinger, and you're knocking on my door.

[Stephen Root]

Oh, Buzz Bissinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's there?

[Stephen Root]

Come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's there?

[Stephen Root]

Is it Buzz Bissinger?

[Adam Carolla]

Buzz, is that you?

[Stephen Root]

Yes, it's me. Buzz Bissinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What do you want, Buzz? It's late.

[Stephen Root]

What a lot to use. You Lou?

[Adam Carolla]

Lou's not here. He left already.

[Stephen Root]

No, not that Lou. Your bathroom, you tit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know, Buzz, it's pretty late. Are you sure this is Buzz Messenger?

[Stephen Root]

No, it's Buzz Messenger.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's this? Wow, I love that. So Buzz says, ill luck.

[Allison Rosen]

Buzz doesn't believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's now weird because Buzz says it's bunk, everybody. I wish my fucking editor would have told me I needed to be molested to sell a fucking book. I didn't know everyone had to be molested.

[Allison Rosen]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Molesting a Olympic boxer is a lot like saying, I'm gon badger. Like, doesn't that seem like a bad fighter?

[Stephen Root]

Why would you do That I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re supposed to find pasty white kids who are eight or nine years of age whose stepdad already sort of laid the foundation for your molestation. You really want to go fuck a guy who's going to be the next, you know, middleweight champ of the world? It doesn't sound like a great plan to me.

[Allison Rosen]

So you don't believe it either.

[Adam Carolla]

On the other hand, really, what you make up, you know, being blown in a parking lot after an Olympic boxing thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, the blowjob, confusing, because, like, is that what you get when you win or you lose?

[Stephen Root]

I'm Buzz Bissinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Buzz. Yes. I'm gonna call the cops.

[Stephen Root]

I'm in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

No, come on.

[Stephen Root]

I want to see you for a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Buzz, I'm tired from the fight.

[Stephen Root]

I'm very happy to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How does it. Like, before I knew it, he had unzipped my pants and put his hand, then mouth on an area that is haunting me for life. Like, how fast is he moving?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

But at some point, you're like, what are you?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Sugar Ray was one of the slickest fighters on the planet. And it didn't matter how long your reach was. Tommy Hearns found this out. Or how fast your hands were, you could not catch up to the man. So I don't think there's any such thing as undoing his wranglers and getting them down and getting his penis out without him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's what he did.

[Adam Carolla]

If that were true, then Hands of Stone Duran would have blown him in the ring.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stephen Root]

This is unlike any news program I.

[Adam Carolla]

Have ever been involved. Shout out, Buzz. We're trying to get Buzz pissing you. Buzz.

[Allison Rosen]

Jerry Lewis is no longer going to be doing the telethon after this year. He's retiring as the host of the annual Labor Day Telethon for muscular dystrophy research after 45 years and will make his final appearance on the show in September. He says as a labor of love, I've hosted the. That sounds like he's bitter about money. As a labor of love, I've hosted the annual telethon since 1966, and I'll be making my final appearance on the show this year by performing my signature song, you'll Never Walk Alone.

[Adam Carolla]

How is his health? Because he seemed like he was on death's doorstep.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Stephen Root]

He was on a lot of medication.

[Adam Carolla]

Before this, and he seems to have straightened himself up. Or is he in his mid-80s?

[Allison Rosen]

He's 85.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so I was way off and he's 85. Geez. Be great to make to 50 years. But on the other hand, he's served his debt to society. Why isn't he moving to France where they love him?

[Stephen Root]

That's a smart idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you feel like if he did move to France, they'd find out he wasn't that funny?

[Allison Rosen]

They get to know the inner Jerry.

[Adam Carolla]

Bloom would be off the road. Maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Buzz, do you know my theory on the whole Jerry Lewis franchise?

[Stephen Root]

I love Jerry Lewis. He's very.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. He's huge in Europe.

[Stephen Root]

I've not seen him since 61.

[Adam Carolla]

My theory. My theory is that the Germans love Hasselhoff to piss us off. They know we fucking think that guy's a hack and a joke. And the Germans are like, fuck those guys from World War II. And, you know, it would suddenly get under the fucking saddle. You know, it'd be burr under the saddle of the Yank tanks. Let's all just unanimously agree that not only we love Hasselhoff, we love him as an artist.

[Stephen Root]

We do.

[Adam Carolla]

We love as a performer.

[Stephen Root]

Talk about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just let it. We'll just put it out. Let's all agree that we fucking love Hasselhoff and France. And by the way, they both. Both countries hate us, especially France. Let's pick their worst comedian then. The one that they make fun of the most, Jerry Lewis. And let's all uniformly embrace him. And again, it's just gonna be nothing but piss off the fucking Again. Like they couldn't. They couldn't. They. They could probably pick worse. And maybe they're thinking about it now.

[Allison Rosen]

Can we do it back to them?

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting. Yeah. I mean, like, who does France have.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Who's there?

[Stephen Root]

Yeah, who would. That would piss.

[Allison Rosen]

Eiffel66 or that.

[Adam Carolla]

That we would.

[Stephen Root]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the whole thing. Like, they don't. They don't produce any famous people.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna need to send someone over to find out. We're lukewarm.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Gerard Depardieu and Hassan. We're sort of lukewarm on this genre.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's all embrace Buzz Bissinger.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm in, too. All right. Count me down for Buzz.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. I love Buzz.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Hey, Buzz, have you heard of this? Go to meeting. Go to meeting, Go to meeting.

[Stephen Root]

Tell me about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought. You gotta do it as Buzz Bissinger. Come on.

[Stephen Root]

Go to meeting. What's that? Tell me about it, son.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Buzz, it is awesome. What is it? It's for businesses of all sizes and they're all making the switch to go to meeting. You can host your first meeting right away. It's a way to have online meetings. You don't. You know, Buzz.

[Stephen Root]

I've heard of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Where people have to get your face.

[Stephen Root]

On a computer screen.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of close.

[Stephen Root]

We'll talk to you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like that. Yeah.

[Stephen Root]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Buzz, you wouldn't have to come over to the person's office.

[Stephen Root]

You could me in there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying you could join the meeting from anywhere. Right?

[Stephen Root]

You don't want to smell me. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're a jet setter. And a Globetrotter, for that matter. And a boy in a bubble Buzz in a bubble Gonna let him in John Travolta's my cousin Sing letter in.

[Stephen Root]

And Cockney Buzz if I knew this song I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Low flat monthly rates. Have as many meetings as you want from your Mac or PC. You can try GoToMeeting flat for free. That's right. 30 days for free. One month, unlimited online meetings. Free. Just say Buzz Bissinger sent you.

[Stephen Root]

I would say that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you have to say Adam sent you.

[Stephen Root]

Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just type in the promo. You type in the code Adam. Buzz.

[Stephen Root]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Visit GoToMeeting.com. that's right. Click on the Tried free button and enter the promo code.

[Stephen Root]

Buzz Messenger.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Buzz.

[Stephen Root]

I forgot.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, Buzz. Why don't you read the plugs up up there? Let's see. San Diego House of Blues. San Diego House of Blues. I'm gonna be there.

[Stephen Root]

Second, Dana Gould will be there. Gould, That's a strange name. Caroline's in New York City June 22nd and 23rd. It says plus, but it means and yeah, Live stand up shows at the Wilton with Jimmy Kimmel. I know him and Simmons. Tomorrow night now, the palace of Fine Arts. That's going to be In San Francisco. June 4th. Caroline's, New York City, June 24th. And Mount Airy Casino. Don't know where it is. Mount. Mount Pocoino.

[Mike August]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Pocono.

[Stephen Root]

Mount Airy Casino in the Poconos, Pennsylvania, June 25th. I'm Buzz Bissinger and that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Buzz, I feel like you could be at least a field correspondent for the news. I'd like a show, just a thing where you went. I'm Buzz Bissinger. Back to you in studio. Let's try that. All right.

[Stephen Root]

On Buzz Bissinger. Back to you in the studio, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, that's right. That's good. No, I like the arm. I like the way you really hit arm. All right. But now back to you. Let's just say studio and really hit the studio with gusto. All right.

[Stephen Root]

I'm Buzz Bissinger. Let's go back to the studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's try one more just to get a clean.

[Stephen Root]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Buzz Bissinger right now. Back to you in studio.

[Stephen Root]

All right. I'm Buzz Bissinger now back to you in studio.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. Was that lovely? All right. We got to get you on the scene. Let's hope the levee breaks or something. Any excuse to get Steven Rood out of this building, please. The Shakespeare, the Shakespeare center of Los Angeles. Help the charity that me and my wife are also involved with.

[Stephen Root]

Lashakesthevote.org that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Www.lashakesthevote.org let's help out this very, very worthy, very worthy charity.

[Giovanni]

All right. There was Adam Cooler show 571 with the great Steven Root along with Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2011. Coming up next, we have Adam Kolla Show 578. This one's featuring Bill Burr live on stage with Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop and Ace Man. This is Bill's second appearance on the podcast. I hope you guys enjoy Pluto.

[Adam Carolla]

TV is the place for movie fans.

[Allison Rosen]

Like me and TV fans like me.

[Adam Carolla]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Allison Rosen]

Whether you're in the mood to solve.

[Adam Carolla]

A little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Allison Rosen]

Or tracking or curl up with a.

[Adam Carolla]

Surefire hit like Forrest Gump.

[Allison Rosen]

Run Forrest.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV Stream now pay never. Bill Byrd joining us tonight. Bill can be found at the San Francisco palace of Fine Arts. Ain't Nixon. Wait. Wait a minute. That's me. Oh, holy. It said live standup plugs. I thought they was plugging you. And we're playing the same night. The same. What the hell? And he can be. He can be found inside of Lynette Carolla on Wait a minute. This is my card. Oh, this is Bill. Bill's playing a. A Sears gardening shed in Pacoima on Wednesday.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my card.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. Bill is. Oh, on what? Seen as summer AMC's Breaking Bad. You're gonna be in Breaking Bad. Oh, that's awesome. Awesome. Also the Monday morning podcast available on itunes. And live shows June 15th at the Chicago Theater and also June 29th at the Greg Giraldo benefit. Oh.

[Mike August]

With the will to turn for his wife and kids.

[Adam Carolla]

We were just there on Saturday night and there were more people actually. Thankfully I got some new Astroturf in this place. A couple things like to start off, we'll get into the news, we'll do Allison out in the audience questions. We'll do all that stuff. What. What would you do if you were me? I had two of those situations happen today. My son came home this evening about 6:30. He's not quite 5 yet. Had the man manicure and the pedicure and not the. Not the clear one either. Like the black guys grown up.

[Mike August]

Gotti.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This was.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he drive himself?

[Adam Carolla]

It was. He. He went, no. He even had flip flops.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he doesn't want to mess.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. What a message to send to other countries. Third world countries that don't have flip flops or shoes. Like we have a pair of flip flops that we throw away just for walking home from the mall. Just. Just from going from the mall to our Mercedes. We have a special disposable flip flop.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be the most valuable thing in your village.

[Mike August]

Your four year old sewed together.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. That was the factory. He got his toenails and fingernails done. And I said sonny, what's up? And then a said what? What's up? And I said well, boys don't. And my wife gave me that. You're going to ruin him. Like no, you're gonna, you're gonna raise him right. I'm gonna save him from a good ass kicking. And number one. Number two. Yeah. Guys don't normally get the mani. Petty and when they do, they go with the clear which is a classy. The low sheen and. And she kept giving me the undermining.

[Allison Rosen]

Your ability to make this point by knowing that men usually go for the clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't. Do not shame him was her. Was her whole thing. And I like shame. I miss shame. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Is she trying to like teach him to be a pimp someday? Did she get him like a little fake fur length coat staff?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Girls in his class asses as like I don't understand the direction. Why does a kid need to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was, he wanted to go by Huggy Bear. He was wearing a panama hat.

[Mike August]

She went to throw him the football. She goes, not Yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Not yet.

[Mike August]

And I still.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn, still. Damn.

[Mike August]

They're still tacky.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you see the cotton between the fingers? Dad, come on. Now. You know there's no ball in the house. So he got the mani. Petty. And I got this one today. And not sure what to do with this one either. I was exiting my driveway this morning. I had the woman, the woman who surprised at everything when she's driving like you see her, but she sees you and acts like you didn't see her and gives me oh, shit and then has to sort of take it out on you. She sort of went through a stop sign. I was sort of pulling out. I saw her, I stopped. She honked after I stopped. You know that thing where you go, oh, no, no, that honk. That doesn't count. I stopped first, then you fucking honked, bitch. But she honked and then she gave me this one. What the fuck? Like the crazy like you madman. You. How dare you pull out of your dwelling. Are you insane? Don't you know the rules? You're supposed to tunnel out the spoon. Like this thing where you're not allowed to drive your car out of your house without somebody freaking on you. It's not like I pulled up on the sidewalk, chased her around, or I drove through her living room. I just was coming out of my driveway, saw her coming at a high rate of speed, stopped, and she went by. Except for she had to stop right in front of me and honk and give the. What the.

[Allison Rosen]

She saw the madman intent in your controlled driving.

[Mike August]

I like how she can't multitask.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

Just couldn't drive by. What the beeping. She had to stop, do the face and then beep like it was a three camera shoot. We need coverage on all of this.

[Allison Rosen]

Like she's a comic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and let's get one more for safety, sweetie. And this time have fun with it. But here's. Here's the other thing too. To all of you who are outraged by this heinous act of leaving my home. I don't give a. That you're. I don't care. Like that. That's it. And neither does anyone else. Nobody else gives a. Nobody. No, I'm not. I'm not walking around all day, like, going, oh, man, oh man. You know what? It's my fault for leaving the house. You know what? I should have. I. I should have. You know what? Next time, Next time I leave my driveway, I'm gonna hire a guy in an orange vest, just block off traffic and put some cones down and then what I'll do is I'll push a car out there with. With a couple of road flares down, you know, and I feel horrific. Oh, man. My intrusion upon this woman's life, I am now officially broken. No, All I think is she's a cunt.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you should send. You should send notes to all your neighbors, like, if you're gonna have a party, letting them know that you'll be exiting your driveway at a certain time the next day. Make sure they're on board with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the.

[Mike August]

You should have a little sign on your hood. You pull it up, it just says, I don't care, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mike August]

And then she continues.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I. I had. I had that one. I had. Oh, I gave the back honk. She honked at me. I threw that honk right back at her honk. I honked at her and gave her the spaz, too. I honked one and freaked her out.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you honked and mocked.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I realized she knows where I live. So if my house gets TP'd tonight. Well, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever been in a car, though, where you're driving and the passenger is one of those, ah, people?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's my car. That's my dad. Yeah, my dad actually tries to work imaginary petals on the floor. That's how I know I'm doing a good job. When he acts like Fred Flintstone, he's trying to put the. He tries to apply the brake from the past. See his little feet trying to apply the brake from the passenger side. That means I'm making good time. Yeah. The other thing I found strange is I had an MRI yesterday and on. On my knee, which is a little bit screwy. And I haven't gotten the results yet, but I'll share them with. With you as soon as I do. This was an easy mri. The. Anyone had the mri? It's. It's the most annoying grading sort of sounds. Oh, Brian, I've had a couple every two days.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, one or two. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds bouncing off all over the place. It's the kind of like.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like they shove you up a robot's ass and then beat on that robot with a hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Brian Bishop]

It's really annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. That's what it is. And the first MRI I ever had was for my hand before I had surgery on my wrist, and I had to go in head first. And going in head first is like going in head first into a sleeping bag. It freaks you out. Going in foot first. That's Just good camping. I mean, that's fine. Head first blows ass and head first sucked. And I had to do the hand out in front of me and lay on my face and all that. This was just like me taking a bath in an MRI machine. Like an MRI hot tub. Like, I was just at my waist. It was only up to my waist. It wasn't that big a deal. But the thing I found interesting about this is most people are freaked out. It's a half hour ping pang, poom. And it really freaks a lot of people out. A lot of people are claustrophobic. They don't like it in the waiting room of the MRI place and all they do is MRIs. They're out in Glendale. There is a. One of those custom coffee machines. And I like it. I like it at the Nissan dealership and I don't mind it at the doctor's office, but the one place you don't need a double cappuccino is the MRI thing. Because you're already fucking. First off, God forbid you have to take a piss halfway into it. Secondly, you're already on edge. Like, you really. You need some chamomile and maybe a Quaalude, but not. Not the custom cappuccino. It's weird. And it's like. It just. It seemed like the world's worst thing to put in the lobby. I mean, they should have some cocoa, maybe some hot milk or something, but really, they have the 15. It's one of those, you know, you want the espresso. You want the double espresso. Latte. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Valium?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Magazines?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Something, something. And then the tech was a huge man. And all those guys are all massive. I don't know why they're. They're always. It's like. Like they're either bouncers or techs. The. All the hospital guys just bursting out of his. His scrubs. In which case, do you really have to wear scrubs for that gig? You know what I mean? Like, hey, I'm sitting here.

[Mike August]

I don't even know what an MRI is.

[Adam Carolla]

Magnetic resident, whatever, watching sports.

[Mike August]

He needs an mri. And I would just repeat it in a bar. He's getting an mri. No idea.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny.

[Mike August]

What is it? You just stick it in there and they. It's not an X ray.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's. It's. It's an X ray using magnets or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Not ready.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm just saying, not from the far east, not every.

[Mike August]

That sounds very spiritual.

[Allison Rosen]

They need to be extra Big because they're subduing people who are super caffeinated.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. When I was in. When I was doing construction, I was a laborer for a long time, and all I did was dig ditches. And one day I showed up to the job with tool bags that I bought over the weekend, and I had them all strapped on. I said, hey, hey, boss, I got me. I got some new tool bags. And he said, that's awesome. Now take them off and get in the hole. And that's what I feel about the guy with the scrubs. He could show up with sweatpants and, like, a hockey sweater on. I don't need to see he's not performing surgeries. Tell me to hold still, by the way, and asking me what I want to listen to in the headphones. Brian, what do you listen to?

[Brian Bishop]

Always classical. Always classical. Because the headphone quality is never good. The banging of the MRI interferes with the music anyway. So go with something that is the. Will be interfered with. Interfered with the least. Always classical.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. If you go in head first. Yeah, that blows.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not claustrophobic, but I can see how it would blow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm used to it. Okay.

[Mike August]

Enchantment.

[Adam Carolla]

Better. Better man. Yeah, Better man. I never had one.

[Mike August]

No, it can sit down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You've made it to 40 without ever having an MRI.

[Mike August]

I got a D in math in 5th grade, and that ended my sporting career and actually all my other brothers, too, because my dad had this one for all and all for one concept. So I'm. I screwed up. So. Everyone was screwed.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. I mean, you screwed up in math, so you're. You're.

[Mike August]

My brother flunked out the third grade, had to stay back, so I had to repeat the first grade, too. I swear.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah.

[Mike August]

I don't think he understood the whole concept of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad was.

[Mike August]

It was like. Like one for all off, one to achieve something.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

But not in failure also. But, yeah, he just. I don't know. He was the first kid out of the shoot, so they probably thought, all right, maybe this is. Maybe they're all morons. We'll just give them an extra year to kind of play with mud, and then we'll. We'll send them on their way.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad's like the Great Santini.

[Mike August]

You know what's hilarious? We actually showed him that movie one time, thinking he would kind of get it, and he loved it. It. He thought it was an awesome movie. And then he would just walk around. We'd hear him upstairs, brushing his Teeth going, I am the great Santini. He. He didn't get.

[Adam Carolla]

So when you flunked out, you know, when you got a D in math, your dad pulled the plug on the athletic career of all the birds. Yeah.

[Mike August]

That was it. We were done.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mike August]

We were done. And then like years later. No. Years late. No, there's just no communication. Right. House. Years later, my dad goes, how come we haven't played football in high school? I was like, I thought you didn't want me to. And he goes, us now. And then that was just it.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it.

[Mike August]

Yeah, that was it. No communication.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I had. I had surgery on this knee already many years ago, so maybe, maybe something tore again.

[Mike August]

Was it from the find out digging ditches or drunken.

[Adam Carolla]

It was face plant. It was. I played 11 years of organized, you know, tackle football with a nary a knee injury. Had some bad shoulder injuries, but no knee injuries. And then, oh, there's picture. Picture me. And there's Mr. Gallagher, who is a good guy, standing behind me. And then that's his daughter Kelly with the pigtail. She was some kind of hot, by the way. That was me probably a season before. I tore and dislocated my shoulder and was jacked up for a season.

[Allison Rosen]

No wonder you look so happy. Happy there.

[Adam Carolla]

Seen that picture? Yeah. Truth be told, the Gallaghers were, you know. You know, they always do that thing where they talk about other families and they talk about positive role models and they talk about negative role models and all that kind of stuff, and they say, you know, you said positive role models. The Gallagher family bummed me out because that guy was the coach and his name was Duke Gallagher, and he was just the greatest guy in the world. And they had a golden retriever, and they had a daughter who was a great gymnast named Kelly, who was a beautiful blonde. And their son, Dan Gallagher, played running back and his wife was hot. And they drove a brand new station wagon with fake wood siding on it. And they lived up in Laurelwood, up in the hills up here. And. And I used to go over to their house and get completely bummed out because I would look around and go, oh, my God, this is what a family does. And then I would go back to my piece of shit house with my mom locked in a room yelling freak out. My dad in his crappy one bedroom apartment, and I was completely bummed out. I remember going to their house and looking at a picture of a ski vacation where they're all on top of Mount Whatever with their arms around each other wearing parkas. And they got the lift tickets and everything. And I was going, I'm saying, what is this? And they went, that's us going to Mammoth Skiing. How does that work? I was saying, they're going, well, we get skis in a chalet and we rent a cabin. And really, all together, how does that go? I would be way, way more bummed out. And then I would go to the Black family, Henry and James Boyd, who lived in Pacoima, whose dad was gone and the older brother was arrested and the mama was morbidly obese, and they had nothing and we ate grits. And all of a sudden I felt better about myself, you see. So the positive role models listening to hip hop.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet the Gallagher sent amazing Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

Cards because, you know, they posed Mount Olympics.

[Allison Rosen]

They're matching sweaters.

[Adam Carolla]

I called this dude. I called this dude Duke Gallagher. I called him like six months ago, and I hadn't spoken to him since about two years after this picture was taken because I went off and played for the Sun Valley Falcons. I needed to be traded from the East Valley Trojans or they put me on waivers or something. But it was a weird thing, but I can't explain it. But I played five years for Duke Gallagher and the. In the East Valley Trojans. In the last two years, I played with Coach Burr at the. Oh, Coach Burr.

[Mike August]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, scary guy. Over at the sun of Sun Valley, our home field was Polly High. Jesus Christ, what a piece of. But the point is this. I didn't talk to this dude in 30 something years. I called him six months ago. I said, duke, thank you. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for saving my childhood. He did what all good dudes do. He was like, sorry for trying to butt you. And no, no, he said he did the. Ah, hell, get out. And he remembered me and he knew and he knew I got injured. He knew the whole thing. And he did the. He pushed it off. He did the. Ah, nah, I would have done, ah, no, no. And I said, seriously, listen to me. Thank you. Thank you for volunteer, your. Volunteering your time. Thank you for being a mentor. Thank you for being a great role model. Just take it and thank you. Dude. Yes.

[Mike August]

That's like a Hall of fame name too.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Duke Gallagher. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How'd you find first ballot?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I stayed in touch with his sons over the year, over the years, his son Dan. And then at some point I was talking about him on the radio or something, and somebody contacted me. It's mostly people can find me more than me Finding them. But, yeah, what I say. Oh, yeah. 11 years of football, not an injury. And then playing pickup football when I was 20, knee just popped right out of Joint Point and blew my knee out. And you guys know the story. Spent that evening moving furniture with donnie.

[Mike August]

So, yeah, 20 years old, that's the cutoff without roids, where your body starts breaking down. That's why all these guys, they talk like Lance Armstrong. It's like they're gonna take away his championships. It's like, who are you gonna give it to? The other guy driving 30 miles an hour on a bike mountain. Like he's not on something. Yeah, you're gonna do that for a month.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna.

[Mike August]

Passing cars. Cars going up a mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

Those other guys are clean. I can't believe I was talking about my podcast. I can't believe his buddy ratted him out. You know, what a dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Mike August]

That has nothing to do with what he did. It has to do with our foreign policy. I'm convinced if his first name was Jacques, they wouldn't give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

And they'd have a picture on the Eiffel Tower. They would.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? They don't. They don't like.

[Mike August]

Plus, I don't get how you flunk something, you know, you never flunked a test. He's done right now. It's like seven years later. It's like, what, because this guy said you did?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the other thing, too. It's like the IRS has rules, and your job is to try to skirt those rules without getting arrested. I mean, you get around them. You claim 12 dependencies. You're only just you and your cat. You work it out.

[Mike August]

Step out of the batter's box. You throw off their timing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, that's what the whole. The whole thing is about. That. I mean, the whole. I mean, catchers, when they catch a ball, they bring it. Yeah, they bring it in. What is that? Cheating? You're going to throw the guy out of the league?

[Mike August]

Some stuff is called gamemanship, and then the other stuff is called just straight up cheating. But there's just certain sports where you. You have to be on roids to complete it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

I mean, did you. I mean, I don't know how long it used to take them back in the day when they had, like, wooden wheels. When they did it, like back in, like, the 1910s. Teens or however the. You're supposed to say it as an intelligent person.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Guys, guys. Sons would complete the tour. Yeah.

[Mike August]

People died.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They would die, their son, they would give birth.

[Mike August]

They're going up mountains and there's people in front of them on motorcycles.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, trying to keep up with them.

[Mike August]

And they're keeping up with motorcycles and they're gonna say, he's the only guy. All those Germans in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Also their track record, the Tour de France sense, I, I don't know if it's. It probably started before automobiles were really, you know, prevalent. Maybe they're around, maybe it started the turn of the century, I don't know. But soon as the first Buick rolled off the assembly line, someone sort of said, fuck this noise. I'm not pedaling a bike around France, for the love of Christ.

[Mike August]

I have no problem with people using roids and performance enhancing stuff. I think they're, I think they're heroes because they're using their bodies as lab rats. And because of all, all those guys who've died. They keep adjusting them now. They're not that bad. You wait, when we're in our 80s, we're all going to be jacked because they're going to be legal by then, right? That's like all these people facelifts.

[Adam Carolla]

Now these guys came before us and offered themselves up.

[Mike August]

Offered them up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, it is, it is funny. Every once in a while they do one of those stories about the guy who's on the roids and he's 70 years old and he's got the body of a 31 year old. And they're going, he, he's in, he's really taking a chance. Really. He's fucking your girlfriend. He's got 19 inch pythons. You know what I mean?

[Mike August]

The only thing that this guy's doing that's wrong is that he's in a Speedo. They're showing like a 90 year old guy. You got to dress your age. You're definitely way beyond this. No one's going to look good in a Speedo regardless. But you know, if he's got a button down shirt on. Yeah, the right kind of cologne. Ladies, she's in a steakhouse. You're coming out of divorce. Bang. You're all over that. That's his real hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that.

[Mike August]

No, maybe it isn't. Yeah, that part starts way in the back.

[Allison Rosen]

But I thought that roids affect your, your man junk.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't. Here's the thing about roids. Okay, here's all I know.

[Mike August]

Original.

[Adam Carolla]

Essentially, when you hit about 30, your body begins dying. It's sad but true. But you hit about 30 and you, you start you start to slow march to the grave. I'm sorry to bum everyone's weekend out, but that's what happens. You, your hair start. Your hair starts thinning out, you start getting a gut.

[Mike August]

You're supposed to have reproduced by then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We don't need you anymore. You slough off like. Yeah, the, the great tampon is going to absorb you and just take you to a better place. That's why they put wings on those maxi pads. You can float off to a better place.

[Allison Rosen]

A maxi pad gets its wings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. There you go. That's the point. So you basically start dying at 30. And it's, it's very, it's slow, but it's like. Yes. What happens? You start getting wrinkles, your skin starts sagging, your hair starts falling out. You start collecting fat, lose muscle mass, bone density, everything else.

[Mike August]

You're ascending wiring debt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Acquiring debt to send off. So you essentially start dying. Now what the roids do and the human growth stuff does. Human growth hormone is. It sort of puts the shit back into you and it tries to trick your body into thinking it ain't 30 and dying and going down the other side. Now this guy's trying to take a shit at this point. Point. It makes you think you're perpetually 29 and that you're heading this direction. Now. I don't know what's so bad about this treatment.

[Mike August]

You put in your gas, you put in your engine. Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You just toss that, a little octane boost. And the point is this. Would you rather die at 74 and be built like an 18 year old or just wither and die at 83, you know what I'm saying?

[Mike August]

I mean, how boring was baseball before Roy st. Honestly.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

1998 was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Third baseman hitting like 50 home runs coming up there, no necks. It was, it was great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So then it doesn't turn your dick into an acorn? Because that's what I've heard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't, I don't know. But from the acorn comes the mighty oak.

[Mike August]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

It just sounds. That was a comeback, I think.

[Mike August]

I think the original, the original roids did, but now I think they're starting to get rid of that thanks to.

[Adam Carolla]

Heroes like Lance Armstrong.

[Mike August]

Yeah. Living strong way back.

[Allison Rosen]

Does anyone in the audience know anyone taking roids or human growth hormone out there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're not going to raise, raise their hand. Yeah. It does something to your balls. I, I don't know. They don't really have any official whatever. Although Dr. Drew always says no free lunches in nature, meaning it can't screw around with nature too much. But on the other hand. What. We do valve transplants for your heart, and we give you blood transfusions. Isn't that plain, guys?

[Mike August]

Penicillin works.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, penicillin ain't bad. Allison, are you out there?

[Mike August]

Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Dr. Drew.

[Mike August]

She's out there, like, juicing. That guy's jacked. He's got the animal shit. He's got, like, 19 shows and he's still jacked. I'm telling you how.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing about Dr. Drew. He's jacked and hairless. I mean, he's built like a goddamn bodybuilder. Makes you want to puke. Yeah. Allison, work. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Here. So we are going to take some audience questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

First question from Stephanie Salgado. Are you Stephanie?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, Remind us to talk about how shitty Thor was. Was.

[Brian Bishop]

Thor was shitty.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And also, we need to talk about the fact. Speaking of roids, Brian has a bone to pick with Bill Burr. The fact that I won the movie game when Bill Burr was on the.

[Brian Bishop]

Podcast, you know, I know you're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, Stephanie, what is your question?

[Brian Bishop]

I was rowing that game about Adam's pre show routine.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have any weird requests for.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, dressing room stuff? Like, do you have a certain thing, like a diva quality we have? I mean, what, the writer? The. The. The. The technical writer is before the live shows?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean, like, do you have.

[Adam Carolla]

To have, like, a certain type of flower?

[Brian Bishop]

A green M M's?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a carnation man. Yeah, sure. But it goes season to season because, you know, you. I've tried the whole tulips thing when. When it's off season, and that's a disaster. So, I mean, you know, you can't. You have to pick the region, and you have to pick the flower that's indigenous to that region, and then you have to pick the season. Do you see what I'm saying? So you go to Minnesota in summer. You don't take tulips. You know what I mean? Because now you got a problem there. You know, it's not bulb season over there. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a thing. I have a wheel up in the room that clearly charts it out. Mike August is working on it as we speak. And then we won't travel to certain parts of the country if those flowers aren't in season. So I. I move like migrant Field workers. I move with the flowers. Bill does the same thing all the great comedians do.

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely.

[Mike August]

I've always been a flower guy. Took a lot of heat from Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Did that, did it that way. All the. Bill, Bill Cosby.

[Allison Rosen]

What kind of flowers are you guys feeling right now?

[Mike August]

Well, I'm into orchids. Definitely an orchid guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's again, a seasonal thing. I'm not gonna. There's no free lunches in nature is what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't, I don't understand what your question is. Do I have crap in the dressing room or what?

[Allison Rosen]

Special, A special certain something that particular to you as a performer that you like in your dressing room?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't, I don't, I don't have anything. I have a coffee and a Miller Light and that's. That's about it. And they usually, the coffee order up. And I don't have any rituals or any Madonna shit where I'll get a hand in, in and thank Christ. It's usually just me complaining about the travel. And then we go out on stage.

[Allison Rosen]

You do usually go to the bathroom before we go on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

I try to go to the bathroom before we, you know, I try to rub one. I mean, go to. I mean, I try to evacuate the edge off. Yeah, no, I, I will, I will urinate before I go out on stage because there's nothing worse than being up here minute 45 and thinking, Jesus, I gotta take a piss. Which has happened to me a time or two.

[Allison Rosen]

Next question.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you for that horrific question.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Next question's from Frank L. Where are you, Frank L. Age 34. Frank, there he is.

[Allison Rosen]

Frank, Hello. Okay, what's your question?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I noticed that we're all still here after Saturday. So why didn't God pick you up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, good point. And maybe there are a few people missing. I mean, that would be a decent argument. Yeah, we're all sinners. My, my feeling, my feeling with the proclamations, as I stated on probably this podcast and maybe the Kevin and Bean show the other day, which is here's what I'd like. And Bill, I think you're going to enjoy this. I don't mind the guys making the crazy proclamations. I mind us buying into it. An insane old fuck, an 80 year old old who literally interprets the Bible and has been wrong every other time he's made a doomsday proclamation, makes a proclamation and it's all we talk about nationally and maybe internationally leading into that day when these guys shoot, we shouldn't be giving these ass wipes the time of day. So here's my whole thing. Now this guy will come up with another proclamation, and we'll do that thing where you go, get the fuck out of here. What day? And that's the way. That's the way it works. All right? So here's the thing. Here's the rule. He is only and. He is only. And anyone, whether you be a preacher or not, you're only allowed to make the doomsday end of days proclamation if you will agree to this one simple stipulation, which is I get to put a shotgun in a bench vise. You sit in a folding chair that you're duct taped to it. We have a atomic clock behind you and a current USA Today with the date on it. And the shotgun is hooked up to a timer. Now, you make the date and you call the time and you do whatever you want, but you have 60 minutes. And if the rapture doesn't come, pow. Off goes the head. No more proclamations now. Now I'm standing up because I'm angry and my balls were sticking to my leg, but mostly because I'm angry. I would love to know how many of these crackpots would make the proclamation with my little shotgun idea attached to it with that little caveat, that waiver, that rider attached to it. How many? And then, if so, the answer would be zero, of course. And then the question would be, why? Why zero? Because you could do the shotgun thing for me and say, will the sun rise tomorrow, Adam? And I'd go, fuck yeah. Bring on your shotgun. I know the sun is going to rise. Is a baby going to cry tomorrow? Is the sun going to set tomorrow? Is Bill Burr going to nod while I'm going on a rap script tomorrow? Yes. These are all things I know are going to happen. So put the shotgun in the bench vise and I will duct tape myself to the seat. I have no problem with that. So, no, you will not do that. None of them will do it. And none of them would agree to a good one, like, all right, you lose, we take your house like a good old wrestling thing. Loser leaves town or something. No, they don't. They will not ever agree to these terms. Why not? Because they know it's not going to happen. If they knew it was going to happen, they would agree, but they don't. It's just like the asshole who goes, I'm innocent, and you go, take a lie to take our test. And they go, no, I'm not going to do that and you go, why? You're innocent. They go, absolutely. Good. Take a lie detector. No, I'm not gonna bullshit. If you're fucking innocent, you take a lie detector test. And if you believe your fucking religious rhetoric, then you would do my shotgun test. None of them will ever do it. And thus no one should ever be listened to again. Except me. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, is the duct tape there to prevent the last minute ditch to avoid the.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

That's going to keep you in the chair.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's ironically. It's your duct tape, so you cannot duck. It's ironic that it's called duct tape.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, this guy is now predicting October 20th.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my old point. So I say, shut up your bag of shit until you get the shotgun out or sip it.

[Mike August]

You should also only be allowed so many predictions. When they drag a fat guy out of the crowd to try to hit the a half court shot to win the key to a car that it might open the door.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

That's what you got. You get one over. Yeah, this is like the guy, the sports fan, every weekend makes a prediction and he's always wrong. And then when he's finally right, he's like, dude, what I say, I called it. It's like, dude, you call everything you call a game every weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now. I concur. Why are we listening to these? Obviously he knows things. Things, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

He's never been right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

But he might be right someday.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my thing. What? Ladies, ladies, ladies. Where is this guy's wife? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because I got a wife who wouldn't let me do this. I got a wife who. This is. This is what the wives do.

[Mike August]

Adam, you're scaring people.

[Adam Carolla]

Knock it off.

[Mike August]

No, I'm just saying, like, that's what your wife would say to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you're right. Right. You make a hell of a wife.

[Mike August]

It's just I was in character. See, that's how I booked those episodes.

[Allison Rosen]

Excellent improv.

[Adam Carolla]

It's your wife's job. Like when you go. What do you mean? A lot of people wear flip flops to a funeral. That's just what they do.

[Mike August]

Instead, he's not gonna care.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. Way Larry would have wanted it. They go, no, you're not leaving that. No, you don't go to a funeral in flip flop flops. Go put some shoes on. That's what the wife does. And when you go, you know what I'M gonna shut that neighbor dog up for good this time. Your wife grabs you and goes, no, do it. You don't leave the house. I don't.

[Mike August]

Rat poison. For the rats.

[Adam Carolla]

For the rats. You don't put it in the. The dog chow. You don't do it. That's what the wife. Where is this guy's wife? Oh, you know, at some point, he wakes up and goes, you know what I'm gonna do today? I'm gonna make another doomsday proclamation. Sweetie, we've all heard about your doomsday proclamations. Yeah, I beat you@Connect4. You really think you're going to predict the end of the world? Sorry, go ahead, Bill.

[Mike August]

No, but her economy is wrapped into that shit now, so she's got to stand there and support him and he's got to come. What I want to do is go to do. Go to this guy's church. The Sunday after he says the shit's going to be over and it isn't. We're all sitting there and just watch him, see how he warms out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So this Sunday then?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Wasn't it last Sunday he didn't give.

[Adam Carolla]

Interviews or something after this?

[Allison Rosen]

That's a no. Yeah, it was. Right. He preached. It was going to be Saturday, then Sunday he wouldn't give an interview. And then Monday he came out.

[Mike August]

Anybody. Anybody in that church? Your preacher's a rapture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Mike August]

Got to own up to it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

This next one isn't signed, but it's to me, so I'll just. I'll just read it. Dear Bald Brian, do you find it ironic the two assholes who fucked you so bad on Doug Love's movies are on stage at the same time?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you expect.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you expect any. Do you expect any apologies tonight? P.S. your drops are perfect. Bald is beautiful. He should definitely talk. More signs Anonymous.

[Mike August]

I have a right to play the game just as well as anybody else. I know nothing about movies. I forget how I. I saw the excitement in your eyes that you were going to win the game, and you.

[Brian Bishop]

Thought, I must crush this.

[Mike August]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. Bald Brian has the. An essential component that all losers have, which is get really deadly serious about shit that pays nothing and take a lot of pride in it. Do you know what I'm talking about, Bill?

[Mike August]

Yeah. Yeah. Me watching sports all the time. Yeah, he hit.316, not 317.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. In a fistfight about nothing.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ball. Brian, can we talk about how shitty Thor was for just a Second, let's talk.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you guys seen this piece of shit?

[Brian Bishop]

We talk about it. We talk about on the film vault this week. We talk about why it was so shitty. Shitty.

[Adam Carolla]

It was shitty because the first thing they did. Well, I had a, I, I had a boy, you know, you're in trouble moment with Thor, which is I walked in a few minutes late and the movie had already started. I didn't miss anything. It was just big sweeping, big fake looking CGI up the, up the wazoo. And I walked in and the movie had been running for like 90 seconds. And I thought I was looking at a preview. And I turned to the guy next to me, I was like, like, well, you know, I ain't seeing this piece of. And then it was like, oh, wait a minute. I am seeing this piece of totally CGI out. But they do this move where it's like we're going to take our horses on our horses on our crystal bridge to our magical transport machine. And it's like, which is it? The horse or the transport? You know, they do that thing where it's like we have a machine that will transport us through the universe and now we're going to fight with Pataka bats. You know what I mean? Like I, I figure you have at least a gun at that point.

[Mike August]

Not that great a super anybody is tough with a hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and it's not even a claw in hammer either.

[Brian Bishop]

Two thirds of the movie takes place on a planet called Asgard. Who gets a about Asgard, right? There's nothing interesting happens there.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus it sounds like Asgard. It sounds like, you know, it sounds like something you'd buy from a guy in a prison. Hey, I just made an Asgard in shop. You want it, it's yours for a pack of Pall Mall. Yeah, Asgard. Of course he's got the dad and he's telling he's got the brother. What's the one Asian dude who's living on Asgard too? There's one Asian dude in the mix, which is weird. Look, nothing against the Asians. I mean I don't care for them, but I'm saying nothing against. No, they're not. They're family oriented. They take care of business. I love the Asians. The point is this. There's one Asian dude and all of Asgard and it's in his little five man posse. What the is he doing there?

[Brian Bishop]

It's a good school district.

[Adam Carolla]

And he don't even throw down any jujitsu or kung fu or karate. What the hell you got the Asian guy in there for?

[Brian Bishop]

Did you realize Renee Russo was in this movie? She had like a five and under. She had less than five lines.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she played his mom.

[Brian Bishop]

It was the kind of thing I was like, I think that looks like an old Renee Russo. It was an old Renee that came.

[Adam Carolla]

Down and the seismic technologist or whoever, the science. Who played the science?

[Brian Bishop]

Stellan Skarsgard and Natalie Portman.

[Adam Carolla]

Natalie Portman. And by the way, if I know one thing about scientists, like whenever there's an earthquake over here and they go over to Caltech to have one of the ladies who's an expert on plate tectonics talk about what just happened, always looks like Natalie Portman. Super smoking.

[Allison Rosen]

They're usually a little younger enough to be a seismologist. Yeah, they kicked me out of seismology school.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. Yeah, you can't be. You can't be over 6 and be in seismology. And not that you're not a nine there. There she is. She's a scientist. Her young, younger sisters is even hotter than she is.

[Brian Bishop]

The girl from a 40 year old virgin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's in there with that great rack of hers and they're living in God knows what town. And it's just. The movie's a piece of shit. Like you don't care. There's not a second in that movie where you give a shit. Not one fleeting second.

[Brian Bishop]

At the end of the day, the bottom line is Thor is just a lame superhero. Like, he has supernatural powers. He has a hammer. No one gives a shit.

[Mike August]

This is on you guys, though. Like, if you couldn't figure that out. Dude, there are good superheroes to make movies about. They're down to like fucking Green Lantern.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a flashlight.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty soon it'll be a guy with a flathead shovel. Like, I'm gonna.

[Mike August]

I don't even know what Scrap Lantern does. It's like nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing that's ridiculous.

[Mike August]

Devil.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing. That this guy's got a Dustbuster.

[Mike August]

As long as there's a mask on it, all of a sudden it's a superhero. This movie's awful.

[Adam Carolla]

Criminals, meet your vacuum. Well, here's the whole thing about all this stuff where you go, well, what's the guy's gig? And it's like, he has a hammer. And you're like, oh, okay, he has a hammer. Except for it's a flying hammer. And it's like it enables him to do a million different things. So what? It's not really a hammer. It's a magic wand with a rock on the end of it. Is what it is. That movie, Blue Monkey Ass. And I checked on Rotten Tomatoes. It was like 80%. What the fuck is the bar so low that we can't figure this out? Who the fuck said this was a good movie?

[Brian Bishop]

They got a lot of people fooled, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that?

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of people fooled, I think, with this one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so anyway, ladies, don't go out and see Thor. I know you're dying to this weekend. It is a piece of. It's wildly cgi.

[Allison Rosen]

It's.

[Brian Bishop]

What percentage of the film of things you see on the screen would you say are not real, are fake animated? I'd say 75% of what appeared before your eyes is not real.

[Adam Carolla]

Not including Natalie Portman's teeth because they're supernaturally white. Yeah, it is a pile of do not see this movie. But then again, all the super.

[Mike August]

What are you guys saying about this movie? Thumbs up.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't like it.

[Mike August]

Guys, you're talking in circles here.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying a rental. It's a rental. All right. Allison, you got some news?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do, baby girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center, next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Roses.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, first of all, we have a very special video to play for you. Adam, that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's better. Uh. Oh, now I start out. Sorry.

[Mike August]

There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Very special video.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Special video message for you from your children.

[Adam Carolla]

Those aren't my kids.

[Allison Rosen]

From some kids.

[Adam Carolla]

My kids are black. Let's see. Can we see the kids toenails, or was this taken pretty. Are they singing Happy Birthday to Me.

[Mike August]

And we can't hear it?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Mike August]

Was it. This is better than Thor, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Happy birthday, dear Daddy.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy birthday to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, son's out of there. All right.

[Mike August]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

I just ovulated.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I lactated, so we're even. My daughter seriously pulled the same shit she pulled with my. With my mom. That's sad. With my wife, for Mother's Day, which is. She wanted to get me a three pack of Bratz Dolls. That's what my daughter. Every time she goes out shopping for somebody else, she buys herself. It'd be like if somebody said, hey, Adam, let's go out and go shopping for Nana for Mother's Day. And I was like, I bet you'd like this cordless drill.

[Allison Rosen]

Want to know what I got for my sixth birthday from my dad? A backgammon set.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not making that up.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so chewy. Yeah, the goyim would never do that.

[Allison Rosen]

It was going to be at least two years before I got into backgammon.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Really? That's. That. That's literally. That's my daughter. And that's what she wanted. To buy daddy a three pack of dolls. I can't even fuck. Use your head, sweetie.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll bet you could.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if I got enough buzz going, I guess I could try. But the point is, fucking Thor sucked, man. Didn't it?

[Brian Bishop]

Thor sucked.

[Allison Rosen]

So police arrested a Florida man after he allegedly harassed a woman with a pool noodle before punching her in the face. East Naples resident Carl Ludwig Eichner is accused of attacking the woman after she allegedly threw his watermelon into the ocean. According to the police report, the woman noticed a watermelon that was carved into the shape of a head.

[Mike August]

Definitely not a Jewish.

[Allison Rosen]

Resting in the sand, the seemingly abandoned melon was attracting insects. So the woman picked it up and thinking the melon would eventually disintegrate, disposed of it in the ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. They got a big roach problem at the beach. You know what I mean? Like what. What insects are we talking?

[Allison Rosen]

I think she just saw a watermelon head and wanted to throw it in the ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Me too.

[Mike August]

That's a hell of a throw.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What's a hell of a watermelon carver.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, who does. Who here has carved a watermelon in the water?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I just thought of a great race joke.

[Allison Rosen]

Make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, if you have like a golden retriever, you throw a piece of driftwood in it. I can see it.

[Mike August]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What? I didn't even finish it, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

So anyway, this man.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you, my brother. I'll see you at the meeting.

[Allison Rosen]

See at the meeting, retrieved the watermelon and returned it to the beach, only to have the woman once again dispose of it in the ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

So he approached the woman with his swim noodle full of water.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, wait a minute. What is swim noodle?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it's one of those. It's like a big sort of. And you guys correct me if I'm wrong, I believe it's like a big, like nerf.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the floating thing, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Mike August]

He hit it with one of those. That's hilarious. He got arrested for water. And not one banker in jail. He hit her with a nerf stick.

[Allison Rosen]

He dumped the water on her and then he punched her in the cheek.

[Mike August]

Nice. I like. Cuz the noodle wasn't Use the water as a distraction. She can't see it.

[Allison Rosen]

The wet noodle wasn't enough.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You know what scene I miss from good, good fight scenes back in the 70s and 80s, when the guy would grab a handful of sand and toss it, and the guy go. And then he'd beat the.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm blind.

[Mike August]

It's amazing. You didn't go with that. All that sand, right?

[Adam Carolla]

All that sand, right? So obvious. But you go with the swim noodle. Can you even throw or swing a swim? I feel like that's kind of thing you hit yourself with before you hit.

[Allison Rosen]

Your over on your way to punching the woman who threw your watermelon head.

[Mike August]

How is there no YouTube video of this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's. Someone had a video.

[Mike August]

Watermelon head being thrown into the water. Guy comes back with a wet noodle.

[Adam Carolla]

I had my one. My. My greatest. As shaming as a youth, which was I was at the beach when I was like, 10, and I was just walking down the beach, and somebody had placed, like, a six pack of Coke right where the water was. Was washing up, I guess, to keep it cool. I was like a pirate ship filled with Coke. Must have sank. And this. This booty had washed up to the shore. I was so desperate and poor. I was like, oh, my God. And I did this thing where I started to bend down to pick it up. Like, I was like, oh, my God. And I heard the fat on the towel about 20ft this way. Do the excuse you. That was the first time I heard excuse you. Excuse you.

[Allison Rosen]

What a twist on excuse me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Anyone who used the term excuse you should just kill themselves. Excuse you.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree.

[Mike August]

You could have opened one and finished it by the time. Time she got over there.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Hey, how about you get a Styrofoam cooler like everyone else?

[Allison Rosen]

The problem with soda at the beach is that no matter what, you get sand in your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Impossible. Impossible not to. So he attacks her with the noodle and then punches her.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she presses charges. All right. Sounds about right.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds about right for Floridian.

[Adam Carolla]

Very Floridian. Right.

[Mike August]

If it was flipped and she punched him and did all that shit, he would have got escorted off the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike August]

Equal rights both ways. Every once in a while, ladies, you got to take one.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill's right, people.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like maybe.

[Mike August]

Really? Seriously. Yeah, I know the ice jokes, they just fly, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. We don't like domestic violence. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So Cara diaguardi, You know who she is?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's from American Eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And now she has a new show called Platinum Hit.

[Mike August]

Anyway, show sucks too.

[Allison Rosen]

She was. Yeah, apparently. Apparently more so even. She was on Lopez tonight and she revealed that she used to live with Paula Abdul. And while she lived with Paula Abdul, Paula was on vacation and she ate pot brownies and got totally fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

She ate pot brownies in Paula Abduls when they shared an apartment?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. So here's the quote. There were these little nuggets, little, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, whose were they? Whose pot brownies were they?

[Allison Rosen]

That she didn't say, but they weren't Paula's. There was a party and someone brought them.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe MC Scat Cat left him behind. He kind of. I didn't trust that dude. Not as far as I could throw him.

[Allison Rosen]

Especially not with the way he was just pushing his brownies on everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So she ate six.

[Adam Carolla]

Six.

[Allison Rosen]

Six hours. This is her quote. Six hours later. I was like, hey, there's a lot of ease in that hay. What's going on? I fell out of bed on the floor. I stumbled downstairs and I was like, I ate too much. And the ambulance comes and is like, this bitch is high as a kite.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

This is her recounting this.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a lightweight.

[Allison Rosen]

And then she. But here's the best, weirdest part. She spent three days in the hospital hallucinating and having IV fluids.

[Mike August]

Yeah, that's about right. No, I had two and a half and went to the airport and I was like hallucinating by the time I got there.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Mike August]

Yeah. No, if they're big, they were like kind of like bathroom tile style size. I ate one, then I ate another, and then I had the half of the other one. And you know when your foot falls asleep really bad? I felt like there was a ball of it hovering right on the crown of my head for like two days.

[Adam Carolla]

Your whole body fell asleep?

[Mike August]

No, all I remember is I got on the plane. I was so paranoid. I just wanted to stand up and admit to everything. I just convinced everyone was staring at me, people in the airport could still hear me. And I was looking at my girl like, what did you put in these? I was like having all these paranoid thoughts. This little kid in a suit walked by. I remember that. The toddler, like a little Jay Leno.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like that might not Is.

[Mike August]

Totally freaked me out.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird when you get high how weird things will happen to you and you think, what the. I'm high. Why is this. Why is there a kid? Why is there a kid wearing a bow tie? And I'm high. Don't they know I'm high? Like, why is this weird timing?

[Allison Rosen]

And then you're like, are there always weird things happening and I just normally don't see them? Or is it cuz I have special high perception?

[Mike August]

And he was talking that gibberish like pebbles. Like I got like ABBA dip. ABBA dip. And I felt like I was this close to being under, being able to understand it. I was just focusing on it. Yeah, that little suit on I got.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

Just freaked me out. Horrible, horrible experience.

[Adam Carolla]

I ate a pot brownie on a plane once with Kimmel. And I was just eating my pot brownie on the flight. And it was funny because I picked up my pot brownie, started eating it, and Jimmy's like, hey, dude, be mellow, be cool. Like, don't. Come on, they'll see you. And I'll go, they just think it's a brownie. Brownie. Jimmy, you diving on me with your jacket, that's. That's drawing suspicion. They just think it's a brownie, you understand? They don't know I'm eating drugs right now, though. Now I'm sure they suspect that you slapped it out of my hand and yelled, be cool.

[Mike August]

Like Kostoski and Hutch dialogue.

[Adam Carolla]

Be cool, be cool. Like it was one of them. Yeah, I had to explain to him either for all they know, you see, but like later on they're gonna bring me a Mrs. Fields cookie. They don't suspect they're drugs in that, do they? And honey roasted nuts, those aren't laced with pcp. It's just food. I'm allowed to eat it on the plane. I got carbon monoxide poisoning once, which is insane. And by the way, I would be a goddamn genius if I didn't get this carbon monoxide poisoning. I mean, I'm pretty sharp as it is, but if I was not, my brain was not poisoned at age 10, God knows I'd probably be winning Pulitzer prizes and taking home, you know, medals of freedom and things like that. I was in the back of. Speaking of stone. Things and activities, my mom, during the height of her hippie dom was. I don't know what she was doing dating. I don't want to know. You know, it's one of those guys who was hanging around after my dad moved out. The dude's name was Zorback. First name, I'm sure his real name was Gerald, but he went by Zorback, you know, and he had like a converted mini school bus that he drove, you know, back Back in the day, back in the 70s, if you're a hippie, you could drive anything but a car. Dune buggies were fine. VW bugs were fine as long as they were turned into Baja bugs. Sandrails, school buses, mail carts, anything. What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Pegasi.

[Adam Carolla]

Pegasi. Anything but a fucking Dodge Dart, you know. And this guy had a school bus, like a mini one that he, like, converted into like a micro buzz kind of like, you know, you take out the back seat, you put some plywood down. It was basically mobile raping units, essentially.

[Allison Rosen]

Mru.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like the mru. Yeah, it's. You tired of the hassle of roofing the chick and dragging her all the way back to your apartment to rape her. We have an mru. You park in the parking lot. Yeah, come see you. We come to you. Yeah, it's like the bloodmobile or the bookmobile, except for rape, you know. And so I had one of these things and we, we were going camping with my mom and Zorback, and I fell asleep. I just like went to bed in the back of, you know, the rape unit, you know, and this guy had like a screen door or something in the back, you know, like an open window or something, and all the exhaust. You ever drive, remember, like in an old car, like you drive in a station wagon with the hatch up or something and all that, you could smell all the exhaust coming in because it creates a vacuum. And I fell asleep back there and I got carbon monoxide poisoning. And they stopped at a. They stopped at a supermarket on the way up to Mount Pinos or wherever we're going. And because they're, you know, great, great parents, they're like, he's asleep. Let him sleep it off in the car. And they went off inside the market. Well, I woke up at some point and I was. I was drugged from this carbon monoxide poisoning. And I also learned a very valuable lesson, people. If you want to kill yourself, this is the way to go. You just. Just a tip, if there are any teens listening, you know, you get. Got some teens are thinking about killing themselves. You get groggy, all you want to do is go to sleep, and you just never wake up. I mean, you understand why people do it this way. And I somehow woke up and I was groggy and I was drooling all over myself. And I said, I gotta go into the supermarket and find out what's going on. And I was just staggering around the supermarket. And at a certain point I went and used the bathroom in the back and then lay down on the tile floor to go to bed. And a guy like got me up and said, you got to keep moving or whatever. And I walked out and I kept moving. I was like staggering around, sort of looking around. I had a Coke that I wanted to buy and I kept dropping it. I was looking for Zorback and my mom. And then at a certain. Here's, here's the stone weird part. It's all pretty weird, I know, but at a certain point like a 40 year old woman just comes up to me and hands me a sack of jerky or something and goes, can you open this for me? And I was like tearing it and dropping it on the ground and trying to bite it and dropping it on the ground. But does that ever happen when you're not stoned or fucked up? You're just walking through the market and someone costs you, hey, open this package for me. Only when you're fucked up. Do you see kids with suits and people ask you to open their packages in a supermarket.

[Mike August]

Right back is the worst name I think I've ever heard, dog.

[Allison Rosen]

That there could not be a time that you'd be more ill equipped to open jerky.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Although I wanted the bounty that was inside the package very badly, I couldn't do it. I was drooling, I couldn't tear, no motor skills.

[Mike August]

There's no headache with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I was up for like the next 48 hours. Like I, like, I got, you know, I probably killed a few hundred million brains with puking nausea. I was at a headache and I was like nauseous and you know, took a day or two to sort of get out of me. But yeah, carbon monoxide poisoning. Yeah, you go right to sleep. That's what happens. That's what happened. What was the tennis player? It's Bjorn Borg. No, it was a vitus. Gary Lytis, who's the tennis player? Just slept over the guy's house and the heater was on the fritz and just died. Nobody.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the only fucking person in a room of 80 white people and knows that. This tennis player thing, big name.

[Mike August]

What year?

[Adam Carolla]

Big name happened 20 years ago maybe? Yeah, happened about 20 years ago.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Arthur Ash. Well, he died, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, come on, that's aids, God damn it. I make the off color jokes. Was it, was it Venus Scary lives? No, it was, ah.

[Mike August]

That guy was ranked like, why do I know Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I got brain poisoning from carbon monoxide.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you have, you have a special aptitude for carbon monoxide. News stories.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess that's what it is. That's all I remember, is carbon monoxide. Related stories.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I know that it has no odor, and you can't see it.

[Adam Carolla]

He went find the story Mike, but he went to some rich friend's house. The heater was, like, on the fritz. And this is why you got to douche your heater out every once in a while. It was not. The exhaust wasn't working right. It was bringing carbon monoxide. He literally just went to bed and woke up dead.

[Allison Rosen]

It could have been bad for him. All right. Garolaitis died in an accident on September 17, 1994, at age 40 while visiting a friend's home in Southampton. A malfunction in the heating system caused odorless, poisonous carbon monoxide gas to seep into the guest house where Garolitis was sleeping, causing his death. Garolitis is interred, means buried at St. John. Who cares? Anyway? Sucks for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it does.

[Allison Rosen]

But now you could be a tennis star in his stead.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. It's weird that I have to know that little tidbit.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what I want to know. Why do people eat pot brownies and then go do things where they have to be aware, such as taking a flight? Or, like, I have friends who had days in court and took acid beforehand. That never made sense to me either.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who would do that?

[Mike August]

Well, I was with someone who didn't know, like, the effects of it, had only smoked it. So I was with somebody really inexperienced. I should have only eaten half of one.

[Allison Rosen]

Not done.

[Mike August]

And I didn't feel anything. And she's like, well, why don't you have another one? And then I have a sweet tooth. I'm walking out the house. I'll have another one. I got that little sugar rush.

[Allison Rosen]

You get a little stone, and then you want to eat more brownies.

[Mike August]

That was just out of pure ignorance, but I think I would know enough not to take acid. I didn't know that you could hallucinate if you had too much ganja in your system. I didn't realize. I just thought you'd be really hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No eating. Eating pots. A much different animal. That's. That. That. That's. That is a mystery.

[Mike August]

Watched the Oscars earlier this year. Was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I wish I had a pot cookie or hit myself in the head with a frying pan or done something to make that tolerable.

[Mike August]

No, my favorite part was when that guy. What's the name of the guy who hosted me?

[Adam Carolla]

A scary Linus.

[Mike August]

No, not Him. James Franco, when he had that. When he. I saw. I was high, but I saw it when he quit, when he just said, you know what? Fuck this. It was right after he came out dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Didn't get a laugh. He was like, really? Go fuck yourselves. And for the rest of it, I saw it as I. I'll read this shit, but you know, I'm not trying.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, guys. This. This is going to be fun. He never was dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Am I right, people?

[Mike August]

He was. He came out and dragged.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he was wearing a suit the whole time. Hannah got. I watched every second, right? You guys saw every second, right? Was he ever dressed like Marilyn Monroe? All Absolutely not. Marilyn Monroe. You sing Happy Birthday to the President. Yeah, go off with your Rastafarian friends and play your bongo drums, you hippie.

[Mike August]

You guys just try to get me. I know what.

[Adam Carolla]

I wore a three piece suit the entire show. The entire. Am I right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I taped the thing. I watched.

[Mike August]

Talking too loud to not be lying. The truth does not need to be screamed.

[Adam Carolla]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

[Allison Rosen]

He always talk. Excuse you. He always talks loudly.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mike August]

So people's eyebrows go up to their hairline.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

They're full of.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, Bill Burr, I would not lie to you.

[Mike August]

You are also full of. I'm not Biden. I know what I saw.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't believe your friends dropped acid before they went to court.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, it's stupid. And then in college, this other guy took five and a half tabs of acid.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

And the thing that we were always talking about after that, and then he got in trouble with and like had some screaming match with the Dean, but the whole thing was, it was really.

[Adam Carolla]

With a park bench. But anyway. But why thought it was the Dean?

[Allison Rosen]

Why the extra half a tab of acid?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like five.

[Allison Rosen]

Too much six.

[Adam Carolla]

A little rich for my blood. Five. Come on. I gotta roll. Yeah, I don't know how that works, but I will, I will tell you this. There's not a science to pot brownies. And that's why we need to figure this out. Because it used to be the same with mushrooms. Mushrooms. Anyone ever do the mushrooms out here? There we go. You know what I'm talking about. You're like. Like, it's funny because on one hand you don't want to completely freak out and just have a psychotic episode. On the other hand, you're not going to chance not getting incredibly high, right? So you have to try to balance it out. And yeah, I remember the worst. The worst is the combination like, if you're high on mushrooms and everyone else is high on mushrooms, then you're cool. But if you're high on mushrooms and one of your buddies shows up high on coke, you're fucked. And I got really high on mushrooms. And my buddy, who was going to school in Boulder, Colorado. Yeah, go Mushrooms, Colorado, Boulder, everything. He comes back with a pillowcase filled with mushrooms, thinking he was going to sell them and live off the summer. Here's the deal. Don't deal mushrooms if you really like eating mushrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

That goes for all drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Rule number one. That's right. I don't care what you're selling. It was the same thing. It was like when I played popcorn or football. Every year they do the candy drive. They give me the brick of candy bars. There'd be 12 of them in there, and I was supposed to sell them for a dollar a piece and then return the $12. I would return half a candy bar and $2, and the other seven went to my fucking hat. Every time I ate, every time I was in a deficit. But the point is, is he ate them, Donnie ate them, I ate them, and we all got high as a goddamn kite. And it was awesome until my buddy Ray showed up, and Ray was high on coke. And Ray started picking Donnie up and throwing him around. And I was like, crying, don't hurt him. Don't hurt him. Then the worst thing that can ever happen to you when you're high on mushrooms is Ray's girlfriend, who was also high on coke, locked me in the bathroom to confront me about what coke.

[Mike August]

Hands are, just not.

[Adam Carolla]

It was one of those super high coke moments where she was, like, licking her lips and doing that thing, you know, like, what was that movie with Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan? They're doing Night of the Roxbury Night at the Roxbury. She's doing the Night of the Roxbury movie. And she was like, listen, I know Ray's one of your best friends, all right? And I'm his girlfriend, and I want us to be friends. And I know there's a weird vibe between us, and I know you feel protective of Ray. And I'm like, I don't feel. I love everyone. I love everyone. I love everyone. And she's like, I know it's weird, and you feel I'm taking Ray away from you and that you don't have a girlfriend, and we're not spending enough time together. And it's always a weird energy between the two of us. I can feel it in the room. When we're together, I'm like, there's no weird energy. There's no weird energy. Fun energy, rage, banging on the door, what's going on in there? And I'm like, nothing, Nothing. She's like, don't answer the door. We're not done talking. I'm like, yes, we're done talking. We're done talking. Yeah. So you don't want to mix. Look, nothing wrong with a Coke high and nothing wrong with a. Again, we have a lot of teens listening. There's nothing wrong with a Coke high and there's nothing wrong with a mushroom high. Don't lock them both in the same bathroom. That's my. That's. That's all the more you know. Brian, come on, buddy. Wake up. Wake up. The mushroom queen back here knows what I'm talking about, right?

[Mike August]

People aren't coke. They're just not fun. It's. Everybody's gotta be on it. Or after a while they think you're a cop.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

That's basically what happens. And then the energy gets fucked up and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. It's like what the teacher said with the chewing gum. Did you bring enough for the whole class?

[Mike August]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless you bought a couple eight balls, keep it to yourself.

[Mike August]

Sort of like that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like. No, it's exactly.

[Mike August]

Chew it too. Everybody chews it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

You have something you'd like to share with the class?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You bring enough. I love it like that one time. I'd like to go, yeah, I brought a case. Cunt. Here you go. Spread it out. Did you bring enough for the rest of the. The class? Well, by the way, it's exactly how life works. You can't pull up in a Mercedes unless you have enough for everybody. That. It's a horrible message to send. Thank you. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Hollywood is turning Candyland into a movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Candyland, the board game going to be turned into a Hollywood action. A big budget Hollywood action film.

[Adam Carolla]

How out ideas are we?

[Allison Rosen]

I think this is a good idea.

[Mike August]

A hundred years into movies, there's no movie to be made. It's over.

[Allison Rosen]

So scriptwriters Glenn Berger and Jonathan Abel, who also wrote Kung Fu Panda 2, said, we envision Candy Land as Lord of the Rings, but set in a world of candy. Berger went on to explain that the Candyland movie will not be remotely based on the specifics of the board game, although it has characters from that world and takes the idea of people finding themselves in a world that happens to be made entirely of candy, where there are huge battles going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. It's like that Katy Perry video, but a lot longer.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's four other movies based on board games that are in the works. Ouija, Battleship, Risk, and Monopoly Battle.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I, I talk to. Oh, shit, Brian. Gotta help me on this one. What's up?

[Brian Bishop]

Who's that? Albert Brooks?

[Adam Carolla]

No, Friday Night Live director.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Berg.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Pete Berg. I called.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, he's working on Battleship.

[Adam Carolla]

I talked to Pete Berg like two years ago. And, and we're just gonna hang out and in box. I know it sounds funny, but Pete, Pete Berg, nice guy, but he had his hands down and I hit him with a left hook and he didn't like it. But, but the problem with getting hit hard in the ring is although it may piss you off, you still realize you just got hit by a guy who punches harder than you. So there's not a lot you can do about it, you know? But he was still kind of pissy about it. But he's a nice, well, he's kind of nuts, but he's a nice guy and he always wants to spar. But then when we spar, he goes, yeah, but don't hit, don't hit. You know, but he wants to spar. So I go, all right. And I called him and he, I said, where are you, Pete? And he said, he said, I'm on a boat. I'm gonna be sitting in a boat. I'm on a boat all day. And I said, what are you, what are you doing on this boat? And he said, I'm writing the script to Battleship, the movie. And I was like, jesus Christ, is there nothing? Like, are we gonna do Operation and Don't Spill the Beans and Don't Break the Ice and Connect for the fucking movie? Like, what?

[Allison Rosen]

Hungry Hungry Hippo.

[Adam Carolla]

Hungry Hungry Hippos, the movie? And I was like, laughing like, what the fuck? Are you kidding me? And two years later, here we go. And I'm sure they're gonna make the goddamn Hair Bear bunch, and Seth MacFarlane's bringing back the Flintstones. We're officially out of ideas. So we take fucked out shitty ideas from 30 years ago and make movies out of them?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you like board games?

[Mike August]

You had to see him growing up.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. No, I had to see Thor. What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you like, Are there any board games that you liked growing up? Did you guys have board games? What did you do for fun?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what it was is we, we, the Corollas, did not have board games because that would have meant the entire family would have had to gather together and there would have been eye contact and it would have been very uncomfortable. So we didn't have that.

[Mike August]

Do you mind that game Perfection where you. There was a timer. You pressed the thing down, you had to put all the pieces in, and if you didn't stop the timer, it like literally blew up. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Blew up in your face. Yeah, it popped out.

[Mike August]

Teach kids about stress.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I knew. Yeah. This will come in handy when you're trying to disarm them.

[Mike August]

Yeah, there it is. When that would fly up into you.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're trying to disarm that bomb on a commuter train. This will be awesome. No plastic. All my games are. I, I remember the game by the kid that had the game. Eddie Gravich had Operation. Chris Bohm had Electronic Battleships. My cousin Greg had Don't Break the Ice and Don't Spill the Beans. Max Truax. My neighborhood Stratego. I remember everybody's things. Yeah, we didn't, we didn't have any of those things. And if we did, everything we bought was from a thrift store. It was all used. And board games are the worst thing to buy from a thrift store. A, because they smell weird and mildewy. I don't know what the fuck happens to the cardboard, but it always smells weird. And B, it's Monopoly minus the boot and the hat. And five get out of jail free cards. And there's a booger on it, you know, like it's always.

[Allison Rosen]

There's like an extra die.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of like it's like we're gonna play gin rummy, but we have a 46 card deck, you know, and one of them's dog eared. Like it's never, never quite right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, my parents would not let us. They let us have the games, but if the games buzzed or made noise, they would somehow like cut. Like we had operation. But they cut the wires so that it didn't make.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad's a physician, so he probably took the vocal cords out of there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Larynectomy on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Clearly an alcoholic from the 20s. That guy. Yeah. He had a haircut like Mo Howard. Look at that gin Champ. Look at the chin blast. I mean, that guy was clearly an alcoholic. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Yeah, that, that, that was the hidden message.

[Mike August]

Is that what that expression is?

[Adam Carolla]

Jim Blossom?

[Mike August]

That's. Yeah, that WC Fields nose.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that like broken black.

[Mike August]

I thought that that was some sort of flower.

[Allison Rosen]

Nope.

[Mike August]

What, so I'm stupid?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a band.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Mike August]

I knew that. But I thought it was a flower. What I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you think everything's a flower. That's the way you look at life.

[Mike August]

I don't. I see it through rose.

[Allison Rosen]

You love or K. Last.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Literally rose. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Atheists have the best sex lives. A psychologist has come out with a study saying this. And what he did is he polled 14,000 people.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And called a research.

[Adam Carolla]

He polled them. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

He polled 14,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

14,500 people who had been religious and then.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, 40,500.

[Allison Rosen]

No, 14,500.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to get to 15,000 or just stop at 14.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like Alex is read about five and a half thousand. Acid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Why not do six or five? Yeah. All right, so he pulled 14,500 people.

[Allison Rosen]

These are people who at one time were religious and then moved away from the church and lo and behold, their sex lives became like wildly better.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but those are disgruntled religious people. They fuck with a vengeance. That's different.

[Allison Rosen]

That's different than people who are born atheists.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's fucking with a. With, you know, with a mission as opposed to just missionary. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? That's an angered, you know, that's. That's bulletin board material for a team. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just an a. I'm a lazy atheist from birth, you know what I'm saying? So I don't fuck with a chip on my shoulder.

[Mike August]

Plus they get to say whether they're having good sex or not. Right. So, you know, the Jesus freaks are going to tone it down and these people are going to ramp it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Mike August]

You know what? Fuck that study.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, turns out that. Well, just here's some news on who has a lot of guilt. So you know who's going to be freaky in the sack. Those who have been raised Mormon with had the most strict views about sex and showed the highest rating among those who had sexual guilt. Others with similar responses were Jehovah's Witness, Pentecostal, Seventh Day Adventist and Baptist. Catholics, on the other hand, rated their guilt at 6.34, which is lower than the ones I just.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up with the hasidum fucking through a sheet? Is that. You know anything about that?

[Mike August]

What about. Yeah, they cut a hole in the sheet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or just poke a hole, you know, find a seam.

[Allison Rosen]

But they don't call it a glory hole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird. That would be a ghost or a Klansman right in the eye. It's like a guy's got a clan outfit but doesn't know how to put it on herb. No, no, no. You're cocksing it now. That's where your eyes are supposed to be.

[Mike August]

Friday the 13th, part one. He just had the. Before the hockey mask.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember that?

[Mike August]

He had that bag over his head. Huh? Brian, there's a movie thing.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Mike August]

Friends again.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. Bill Burr.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Still working on Stratego. The movie. Jesus Christ. What have we come to with this shit?

[Allison Rosen]

I used to like that game.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the commercial. Stratego. Yeah. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

So if you're a fan of Marmite or Vegemite, which I doubt you are, because.

[Adam Carolla]

Exploitation film.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Don't go to Denmark, because right now Denmark is. No, they've halted the sales of Marmite and Vegemite.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I don't even want to know what Marmite is. Vegemite is horrible topical treatment for toast. It is so goddamn bad. I. I worked with a guy who was a Kiwi and his name was Fraser, and he was nuts, and we sat in his Volkswagen van during lunch once when we were doing earthquake rehab, and he pulled out some Vegemite and he gave me. Oh, man, you got to try this. Oh, you're gonna love it. It tasted like ass. Pureed ass. Horrible. I would love to find out the world's worst indigenous food. Like, is it poi? Is it Vegemite? You know, what is the shittiest? Yeah, haggis. Like, what is. Is it Menudo? Like, what is the shittiest? What is the shittiest? Just I, you know, locals swear by it, but it is ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Look how viscous. And it looks like it is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like you rubbed your toast against a piece of telephone pole or peer pile on or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Are we insulting anyone's taste right now? Does anyone out there like Vegemite or Marmite?

[Adam Carolla]

No, nobody likes that. Now you got to hate your tongue. I'd rather eat those magic mushrooms. They tasted better.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, apparently food that's been fortified with vitamins, minerals, or other substances cannot be marketed in Denmark unless approved by Danish food authorities. So people who want their Marmite and Vegemite are up in arms saying that, you know, you banned our delicious viscous tar.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. There's going to be a whole underground Vegemite black market over there, like breast.

[Allison Rosen]

Milk and raw milk. Milk.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to be like, I'm going have to give a. I'm going to have, like a safe house where I deal Vegemite.

[Allison Rosen]

The Underground Vegemite railroad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Australian chicks are going to come over there. Shaking and sweating. I don't have any cash. Can you front me some Vegemite? Start sucking, sweetie. Right, I'll think about it.

[Allison Rosen]

I like. I don't want to move too fast. I just swallowed a bunch of balloons full of Vegemite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. Muling them over from. Yeah, from Perth. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So here's another Florida story.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Yep. Sheriff's deputies in Collier County, Florida say 49 year old Dawn Elizabeth Rash attacked her male roommate with butter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not. That's not the way.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, I know.

[Mike August]

That's. She's 49. Yeah, she born in 1949. Was her.

[Allison Rosen]

The victim told deputies that he and Rash were having an argument about what food was hers and what was his when she threw butter at him, striking him in the leg. Deputies observed that the victim did have butter on his ankle. When authorities confronted her, they noticed a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her person and facial area.

[Adam Carolla]

Her what area?

[Allison Rosen]

Her person and facial area. Which means like all of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, here's the whole thing. Everybody stop calling the fucking cops. Really? Every time. If I called the cops, every time someone threw something at my friends, tortured me.

[Allison Rosen]

Have they thrown butter at you?

[Adam Carolla]

I had my. I was physically assaulted by my. By my friends. All the time. It was non stop. All the time. They kicked the shit out of me constantly.

[Mike August]

And they were sober.

[Adam Carolla]

They were completely sober, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You never called the cops?

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't even know you could call the cops. I got attacked with a. With a beer bottle and a baseball bat in the street. I knew the guy's first and last name. I never called the cops.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not funny. Like butter, though.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know butter's funny.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a funny assault.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tack with. That guy hit me with aluminum bat. I never even thought about it. I would never call the cop. What the fuck is everyone calling the cops for? Leave the goddamn cops out of it. And by the way, what the hell are you gonna do with Butterfly? Unless it's frozen and shaped like a dagger, there's nothing. You can do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh my God. You could like whittle a shank out.

[Adam Carolla]

Of butter and then freeze it. But the whole thing is you have to stab somebody quick before. Before it's drawn.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it'd be like. If you were good at that game, perfection. Then you'd be good at stabbing people.

[Adam Carolla]

With a butter knife. I mean, not a butter knife. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Then the evidence would melt.

[Mike August]

Yeah, evidence melts.

[Adam Carolla]

And here's the thing. Keep some lobster nearby in case it melts. I mean, worst case scenario, you get lobster. That's worst case scenario. All right, last story, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. The severed head of the patron saint of genital disease. Who even knew there was one? Is on sale. It is going on auction in County Meath, which is not in America on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a patron saint of venereal diseases?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Why.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly? The skull is allegedly that of Saint Vitalis of Assisi, an Italian Benedictine monk from the 14th century. It belonged to an Anglo Irish family from County Louth and is housed in a Queen Anne case dating from the 17th century.

[Adam Carolla]

What? No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes, not right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's incorrect.

[Allison Rosen]

Saint Vitalis was. Was born in Umbria, Italy, and is said.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, it's Saint Grecian formula. Or who is it? Is it incorrect? Or you just, no, no, you're wrong, or, no, I can't.

[Mike August]

I can't believe it.

[Allison Rosen]

Ombudsman.

[Adam Carolla]

There's two kinds of no, there's no, you're wrong. And then they're, no, my brother's not dead. No, no. They start pounding on the cop's chest, which no is this. Oh, says it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, never mind then. No, well, I'll just tell you what the story says, and then we can be judges ourselves of whether this is true or not. So St. Vitalis, patron saint of STDs, was born in Umbria, Italy, and is said to have lived an immoral and licentious youth. In an attempt to atone for his early sins, he later undertook pilgrimages to shrines throughout Europe, eventually entering the Benedict monastery at Subaco. After leaving the monastery, he lived the remainder of his life as a hermit near Assisi. It is said that he wore only rags and shunned all material wealth with the exception of a basket, which he used to fetch water. He died in 1370, and word of his sanctity soon spread due to reports of numerous miracles performed on those with bladder and genital disorders.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. A water basket seems like one of the worst inventions ever. Like, I'm going down to the creek with my water basket. By the time you get back up to the campsite, like, what the fuck? I filled this thing up.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a miracle.

[Adam Carolla]

Back down to the creek again for my water basket. Yeah. That's a horrible thing to carry water in. Yeah, boards are good, bladders are good, but baskets, not great for transporting water. No, I mean, how long?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, syphilis must have gone to his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's that. Yeah. It's not like. It's not like the sparks are sparklets. Guy comes by with a basket of water. That's a disaster.

[Allison Rosen]

So this head will be going on sale on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

It's valued between 800 and €1200.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a real loss of. This is a real tragedy of Michael Jackson being dead. Who's going to buy this kooky shit? You know what I mean? It used to be an anonymous bid from Jacko you could count on, you know, It'd be great news. We'd be talking about it. Who needs a head for the guy who cured crabs, you know, we don't need that.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't.

[Mike August]

I would buy it and never then never pay for it. He never paid for any of his. By the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Never paid for any of his STD heads or anything. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me. It's like a telethon where, like, I pledge €100 or a challenge or whatever, where you have no intention of acting. Spending that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's why. That's why. When I sell my skull for the guy who is a patron saint of herpes. I need cash on the barrel head. Pardon the pun. I don't. I don't accept any second party checks, any travelers checks. I don't take plastic. I don't take. I don't take Diners Club. I don't take any of that. I need cash.

[Brian Bishop]

You've been burned too many times.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been burned. I. I listen. When you've sold as many skulls as I have over the years and burned as many times as I have, you'll only take cash.

[Allison Rosen]

You totally got burned on the warts head guy.

[Adam Carolla]

The warts guy. The worst lunch meat ever. Worst. Oh, no, wait. All right. And if there are any teens listening, again, that's the message I want to send. When you're selling ahead of a patron saint of, like, hepatitis C or aids, always take cash. Always cash. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. You're welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Bill Burr can be found on AMC's Breaking Bad. Season four coming up. You said four episodes. You're doing.

[Mike August]

I did two. I did two episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I just doubled it, bud. Ready?

[Mike August]

I like it. Should be my agent.

[Giovanni]

All right, that is it for these cruel classics. We'll have a new episode tomorrow. Make sure to tune in. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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