Bill Maher + Jay Chandrasekhar (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics Episode: Bill Maher + Jay Chandrasekhar Air Date: June 21, 2026

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Overview

This episode of "Carolla Classics" features two sprawling, candid, and hilarious conversations: a deep-dive with comedian and political commentator Bill Maher (recorded in Maher's home theater) and a lively in-studio segment with director/comedian Jay Chandrasekhar and the regular podcast crew. Unfiltered discussions range from the mechanics of show business and standup comedy to hard-hitting social commentary on religion, race, education, and family dynamics, all presented in the signature unvarnished Carolla style.

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Segment I: Adam Carolla and Bill Maher – A One-on-One (starts [02:01])

Bill Maher’s Upbringing & Early Career ([02:49]–[06:59])

• Background: Bill describes growing up in postwar New Jersey with a self-described "Leave it to Beaver" upbringing. His father worked in radio news, shaping Bill’s early exposure to media.

• Quote: “I was a kid who dreamed big dreams ... I had what I would call the last Leave it to Beaver upbringing in America.” —Bill Maher ([03:26])

• Career Path: Maher details his start in stand-up, his desire to expand beyond HBO with a free online special, and why he chose Yahoo as a platform:

  • “I've always wanted to be on a network that's the same word as the word I shout out when I'm coming. So there you have it.” —Bill Maher ([05:09])

Pay Television, Demographics & Perspective ([06:39]–[08:59])

• Insular Media Bubbles: Carolla and Maher riff on how living in Hollywood distorts one’s sense of what the rest of America watches.
• Religious Belief: The duo instead jests about societal surveys, religious beliefs, and the disconnect between elite and popular cultural perspectives.
• Quote: “Some of the toughest insects make fuck very hard.” —Adam Carolla ([08:59]), joking about the biblical story of Noah’s Ark.

On Religion: Belief, Hypocrisy, and "Aunt Grace" ([09:22]–[15:44])

• Surface Religiosity: Maher’s take is that most Westerners are functionally secular even if they profess religious beliefs, using his “Aunt Grace” analogy for empty ritual for family harmony.
  • “A lot of people just keep going because they don’t want to offend a certain family member who would be crushed.” —Bill Maher ([11:45])
• Carolla’s View: Carolla argues that if people really believed, they’d act differently, referencing public hypocrisy among religious leaders.
  • “If you really did believe that there was that sort of eye in the sky, you would modify your behavior drastically.” —Adam Carolla ([13:36])

Political Hypocrisy & Cultural Change ([14:20]–[20:39])

• Political vs. Religious Dogma: Maher contrasts both spheres, suggesting religion presents more opportunity for people to change their minds; political identities are often set.
  • “Religion...is the one topic where people are vulnerable to change because ... you can really get that question mark in their head.” —Bill Maher ([19:47])
• Carolla on Progress: The importance of being on the “right side of history” regarding social progress.

The Evolution of the Standup Career ([23:27]–[44:46])

• Comedy Bootcamp: Maher paints a realistic picture of the celebrity journey—open mic failures, club politics, advice-givers, and painful lessons.
  • “The first year or two of your standup career...that’s where 90% of the pain is, because you aren’t good." —Bill Maher ([35:47]).
• Recognition and Audience: How recognition transforms the comedy experience from generic to specific, making performance more rewarding.
  • “The third element was recognition. And I never knew what that meant until I got it. And then it is everything.” —Bill Maher ([42:38])

Maher’s Old-School Approach to Comedy ([57:37]–[61:58])

• Craft and Preparation: Maher defends his meticulous, joke-driven act contrasted with modern, “casual” or “shabby chic” lazy standup available in clubs.
  • “You know what I hate is watching any standup comedian and see them on stage going, ‘What else? What else? Fuck what else.’ ... When you see me, I will never say what else. I know what else. I came prepared.” —Bill Maher ([58:48])

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Segment II: Adam Carolla, Jay Chandrasekhar & Crew – In Studio (starts [66:31])

Commentary on Graduation Rates & Family Structure ([69:25]–[89:05])

• Race, Graduation Rates, and Social Commentary: Adam leads a frank (and controversial) discussion about disparities in graduation rates among racial groups in America.
  • Carolla blames family breakdown in black communities—rather than poverty, crime, or lack of social services—as the root cause of education gaps.
  • “What makes a student is a mama and a daddy and an environment that's light on chaos and big on guidance...” —Adam Carolla ([74:59])
• Unfiltered Analysis: The talk is peppered with dark humor, blunt personal anecdotes, and Carolla’s signature rants against what he sees as media and political avoidance of the “real” problem.

Ray’s Childhood Antics and Friendship Stories ([94:47]-[109:55])

• “Don’t Tell Ray” Parties: Hilarious stories about Ray being so rowdy at parties that friends organized “Don’t Tell Ray” versions to exclude him.
• Pancake and Marshmallow Anecdotes: Childhood tales, including pranks involving marshmallows (resulting in literal burns), showcase the group’s long friendships and penchant for self-deprecation.

Home Improvement Q&A and Carolla’s Advice ([110:02]–[124:19])

• DIY Guidance: Adam and Ray answer listener calls about replacing ovens and reinforcing doors after a break-in, giving practical (and offbeat) advice wrapped in good-natured ribbing.

Jay Chandrasekhar’s Journey: From India to "Super Troopers" ([126:01]–[139:47])

• Family Background: Jay’s parents, both Indian immigrant doctors, were bemused but ultimately supportive as he pivoted from pre-med to comedy.
  • “I took organic chemistry, got a C minus right out of the gate, and it was over.” —Jay Chandrasekhar ([133:49])
• Making "Super Troopers": The struggle to finance and create the cult comedy hit, including financing from a friend’s dad and rejection from studios wanting Ben Affleck as the lead.
  • “My dad’s like, ‘Ben Affleck can’t act like you…so she leave.’” —Jay Chandrasekhar ([139:05])

Modern Parenting, School Interference, and Dad Guilt ([142:12]–[144:49])

• Changing Expectations: The absurdity of needing parental presence at every school function and how working parents (especially dads) are now framed as “absent.”
• Sarcastic Bit: “Unless you’re sodomizing my kid, we’re cool. Teach him a couple vowels and we’re good.” —Adam Carolla ([142:55])

Riffing on Buttermilk, Yeast Infections, and Cultural Foods ([156:18]–[163:48])

• Cultural Mismatches: Jokes about traditional foods (like Indian buttermilk and rice drinks) and health advice, plus a segment on medical mishaps and embarrassing stories about STDs.

End Segment: News with Gina Grad ([147:12]–[173:33])

• Paris Hilton, Roller Coaster Mishaps, and U.S. License Photo Law: A medley of the day’s offbeat news, injected with the usual irreverence.
• Social Engineering Gone Awry: Rant on banning father-daughter dances out of sensitivity to single-parent homes, pivoting to why discomfort and "shaming" can be a positive social motivator for success.
  • “There needs to be an element of discomfort… If someone said, here’s some air conditioning and a blowjob, I would have went, ‘All right, I will continue doing what I’m doing.’” —Adam Carolla ([172:19])

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Notable Quotes

• “You cannot teach [comedic] timing. Timing is innate.” —Bill Maher ([42:52])
• “I feel like there's a lot of making up for high school going on [in LA].” —Adam Carolla ([29:53])
• “Part of being an atheist is just wanting to stay out of the game.” —Adam Carolla ([22:23])
• “This is the ultimate racism... These people are dying in the streets, they're rotting in prisons, they're having horrible, poverty-fucking-filled lives, and nobody wants to say...” —Adam Carolla ([83:47])

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Episode Timestamps & Key Segments

• [02:01] - Start of Bill Maher interview
• [06:39] - Discussion of Real Time, audience demographics, and cultural bubbles
• [09:22] - Religion in American society, hypocrisy, and "Aunt Grace"
• [23:27] - Maher’s stand-up beginnings, comedy industry insights
• [42:36] - The importance of audience recognition in comedy
• [57:37] - Old-school standup vs. the modern “casual” style
• [66:31] - Jay Chandrasekhar interview begins; shift to studio banter
• [69:25] - Carolla’s rant on race, education, and family breakdown
• [110:02] - Home improvement advice call-ins
• [126:01] - Jay Chandrasekhar on making “Super Troopers”
• [142:12] - Parenting, school obligations, societal shifts
• [147:12] - Gina Grad's news, including Paris Hilton quote
• [156:18] - India, buttermilk, and health tangent

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Tone & Style

Throughout, the episode maintains Adam Carolla’s signature style—irreverent, blunt, and fast-paced—with guests matching his energy. Serious societal commentary is continually cut with banter, self-mockery, and raw, often profane jokes. This mix keeps even heated debates and rants bracingly funny.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a perfect sampler of "The Adam Carolla Show": incisive yet crude discussions on politics, culture, and personal history, with industry veterans revealing both their vulnerabilities and hard-won lessons—all amidst raucous comedic interruptions. Expect deep dives, unexpected insights, and unfiltered authenticity, grounded by plenty of unmistakable Carolla wit.

Transcript

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[Adam Carolla]

Classics I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

clips from all 17 years. The Adam Carolla show if you'd like to obtain access to the Adam Carolla show archive as well as the archive

[Adam Carolla]

for the Adam Doctor trailer, Drew show and the newer podcast Beat It Out.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Make sure to check out Adam Carla substack adamcroll.substack.com Sign Up Subscribe Listen ad free and you'd like to request a

[Adam Carolla]

clip, Please email us classicsamcroll.com all right, let's get to the clips coming first we have Adam Croll Show 736, one

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

on one with Bill Maher from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard of voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Bill Maher]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No Credit cards or alien encounters Necessary

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV Stream now pay never. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. And sitting here in Bill Maher's home theater. Got a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

[Bill Maher]

Well, you know, Adam, we put away our pennies.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Growing up, did you ever think you'd have a home theater?

[Bill Maher]

Well, you know, I was a kid who dreamed big dreams when I heard the train pass by in my bed at night. Oh, no, that was Nixon who did that. I didn't have a train near my house.

[Adam Carolla]

I am curious about your background. I don't know where you grew up. I do know something about your early years, but since it's a sort of one on one format, can we just go back? Where'd you grow up? What did you want to do when you were in high school? All that good stuff.

[Bill Maher]

Yes, we can. Of course. I'm an open book, Adam. You know that. I do. And we're going to pretend you don't know everything about me that we have discussed already on our many mandates, but for the sake of the audience. Yes. I grew up in New Jersey. I had what I would call the last Leave it to Beaver upbringing in America.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill's dog's on top of me right now, by the way. Yeah. Your dad did what?

[Bill Maher]

My dad was in radio, radio news. In the days when every news station had news at the top of the hour, you know, at every hour, on the hour, every station had to give you what, five minutes of what was going on in the world. And he was one of those guys. So we lived in a little bedroom community in northern New Jersey, a suburb of New York. He would commute every day, drive down to the George Washington Bridge, drive across it, park in Harlem, basically in. No, not Harlem, Washington Heights, and then take the subway down to Midtown, where the radio station was.

[Adam Carolla]

I should tell everyone listening, by the way, that Bill Maher is doing a standup special. Crazy Stupid Politics will be live from Silicon Valley, and he's going to stream it. It's all part. It's today, essentially. It's Thursday, February 23rd. But tonight, for most of people that are listening, 7:30 Pacific, 10:30 Eastern, part of. Well, it's sort of brand new and it's sort of old because I was thinking back of the closed circuit fights between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman or whatever. People would gather in the Milwaukee arena and watch it because it couldn't be in Zaire.

[Bill Maher]

True. Well, I mean, this is what I. I'VE done nine HBO specials and they were always stand up. And this is basically what I used to do if I was ready to do an HBO special. But I thought since HBO has me 35 weeks a year and people know me on that station, let's go somewhere where we can make new fans and new people. And I thought Yahoo. Has a tremendous reach and I've always, always wanted to be on a network that's the same word as the word I shout out when I'm coming. So there you have it. That's why I'm on Yahoo. And it's free.

[Adam Carolla]

It's free.

[Bill Maher]

I'm giving back.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know it was free.

[Bill Maher]

Well, of course it's Yahoo.

[Adam Carolla]

I would just would have assumed that there was some sort of, I don't know, 3.99 a download or something.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I mean, Louis CK did that. But this, I wanted to do something free. You know, I didn't want to make. It's not a money making thing. I have a kick ass stand up act right now. The Republicans have given me so much amazing material and it's just a very tight little bitch of an hour that I think will get people laughing and that's all I want to do and have new people see what we do and then hopefully come to hbo because HBO is great, but you know, it's a little like that very exclusive resort that's 30 miles out of town and you kind of have to go into town to tell people to come to the resort. Sometimes that's what I'm doing. I'm running into town and saying, come back to my resort.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, HBO is good. I mean, I feel like it's good in the cliques you hang out with and in this town. And I mean, it's great. There's an interesting sort of thing which is like living in Hollywood and hanging out with, I'm guessing some of the people you hang out with. We all watch the show.

[Bill Maher]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's. And it's so everyone I know watches Real Time. But maybe if you went to certain, you know, certain parts of Iowa, maybe they wouldn't.

[Bill Maher]

I think that that's true of any show on none. Whatever network it's on. Of course HBO has the.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, CSI has the opposite problem. I would say no. And you know, watches csi.

[Bill Maher]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Three and a Two and a Half Men or the list goes on and on.

[Bill Maher]

Right. That's true. But of course HBO is also a pay network. You have to pay for it. And some people just can't do that, especially in a recession.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember my sister worked at a Silver Lake hair salon on Hyperion boulevard in the 80s. And at some point we're talking and I said, what percentage of men in this country do you think are gay? And she said, 70%. And she was rounding down, and I realized she just knocked 30% off the hundred percent that she experienced at her hair salon in Silver Lake on Hyperion. And I realized that's sort of how we're shaped. Sometimes I can't imagine, like, somebody not watching your show or even the Sopranos, but then you realize, then you see these studies where half the country doesn't even have cable. And you're like, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Or the same with TiVo or cell phones or something like that. Or especially with you and me. Believe in angels. You know, 67% of people believe they have a guardian angel or, you know, that kind of shit. Which do they really believe?

[Bill Maher]

That 61% believe in Noah's ark, believe that an old man who lived to be 900 got two of every species, including, I assume, the million insects which are really hard to gather and make fuck and put them on a boat. And I mean, yeah, there's no underestimating the American public. I was tweeting pill bugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Some of the toughest insects make fuck very hard.

[Bill Maher]

You gotta play just the right music.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But do you think, like, I know these things are interesting for guys like you and I to poke fun at, but do you. I have this theory that we're both atheists, and I believe that people just say they're religious half the time just to sort of move on.

[Bill Maher]

Well, that's a major theme of mine, both in my act and when I talk to religious people, which is that this is a superior culture to many because we have learned to blow off religion precisely because we ignore it. Other country, other cultures, you know, Muslims, obviously, not all of them, but much more they believe and follow, I think, the Quran than the way people in Western culture followed the Bible. Perfect example recently was this debate we had about contraception. And, you know, how dare the Obama administration force Catholic hospitals and institutions to provide contraception in the healthcare package? Well, 98% of Catholics use contraception. If that's not a perfect example of religious people absolutely blowing off what their religious leaders tell them. So what are you. If your religious leaders say it's verboten and 98% of you do it, what's the point of even being a Catholic? And I think a lot, you know, what A lot of it is. A lot of it is. Aunt Grace. That's my code word for my father had an aunt and I. You know, you're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average.

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[Bill Maher]

Time we were growing up, we went to church and I hated it. And when Aunt Grace died, we stopped going to church and I didn't link it until much later. And I think that had a lot to do with it. You know, there's a lot of people out there who just keep going because they don't want to offend a certain family member who, who would be crushed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's also a little Aunt Grace, by the way, code for when I'm on my period as well. So my connection to Aunt Grace, there's a little of this when you have kids, for instance. I have twins.

[Bill Maher]

Yes, you do.

[Adam Carolla]

And the notion of something bad happening to your twins is unthinkable. It's just unthinkable. And if somebody is sitting around saying

[Bill Maher]

I have twins in the Jacuzzi right now and I am telling you, I know exactly what you're talking about, about

[Adam Carolla]

if you have kids or just anybody you love and, but especially kids and somebody says something like what if they're in an SUV and a Firestone tire blows out and the thing cartwheels? You just go, listen. You know, knock on wood, that should never happen. And I'm not religious And I'm not superstitious. It's just, you think about your kids and you do the. I'm gonna knock on some wood. And I think there's an element of that with religion, which is, it couldn't hurt to do that. It's not going to help. But on the other hand, it doesn't cost me anything, and I'll just go along with it.

[Bill Maher]

And that's not just kids. That's for people, for themselves. That's saving your own ass. I hear that a lot. You know, I might as well, because when I die, I want to be covered. It's sort of like insurance, right? You know, you get the rental car and for another $2, you get the insurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And that's essentially what it is.

[Bill Maher]

But that doesn't mean I have to respect it intellectually.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. And I suspect. See, I always said if people really did believe, they would act differently. Even the people.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Even the people who claim to do it for a living. The preacher who's going out and picking up gay guys on the side and doing his thing and then ask the Lord for forgiveness. If you really did believe that there was that sort of eye in the sky, you would modify your behavior drastically. And the fact that you're carrying on this way, whether it's embezzling money from the church or fucking around on your wife or doing the occasional gay runaway at the massage parlor, if you really did believe, I just don't think you'd engage in that behavior.

[Bill Maher]

Of course not. If you just followed what Jesus said. I heard Lawrence o' Donnell last night asking that Franklin Graham guy. He was quoting Jesus saying, if you want to be my follower, you have to give up everything you have. He said, Mr. Graham, have you given up everything you have? And then he pointed out that he was actually a rich guy who lived in a nice house. Sure. You know, I mean, nobody follows what Jesus said, especially the hyper Christians who want to run this country and who do run the Republican Party. I mean, Rick Santorum is so at odds with a lot of what the Pope says. The Pope is not for the death penalty. Pope is against wars. Where is Rick Santorum with all his piety? How can he, with a straight face go on about how he's such a great Christian and he doesn't even follow the leader of his own church.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I think that the problem with religion inherently is you're going to. You're going to agree with half and you're going. You know, you still want to Beat off. So you still want to start a war? You still want to covet your neighbor's oxen or whatever it is you're going to do. And that's why for me, it's too big a pain. Also, I wish I believed. I tell people all the time. I really do. I really do wish I believed. I don't believe. And people ask me why I don't believe. And it's not.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, I wish a lot of things. I wish I had ice cream right now, right. I wish air was like marijuana, you know, but it's not. And you know, it's just. It's just at a certain look when you're younger, I understand when you get to be a grown ass person, it's just ridiculous at some point to take your morals from a desert dweller 3,000 years ago. I mean, the idea that women can't have contraception in the year 2012 in America because somebody wrote in the book of Genesis, Genesis, about how you're not supposed to spill your seed, right? It's. It's just ridic. I mean, at this point in our history, at this point in man's evolution, and we're still got a long way to go, but, you know, we have crawled out of the intellectual slime. We are in the age of science and rationality. We are not 3,000 years ago where people, it was understandable and forgivable that they made up stories about gods and how we got here and all that. But it's not forgivable anymore because now we have better means. We have carbon dating.

[Adam Carolla]

I always, I always be a funny online dating website for senior citizens. I'm laughing too hard at my own joke. But they have J dates. Oh, I see. And they have like, you know, carbon carbon dating.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

This would be for the, for the senior who still wants to get out there, log on to carbon dating dot com. It's sinking in now, right?

[Bill Maher]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I feel the same. You know, I feel the. Politically, I always think you should look ahead 25 years, 50 years, and see where we're at. Like, you know, in 1950, whatever, when somebody said, well, we have drinking fountains for colored people and we have them for white people. Someone should have said in the year 1985, do you think we're still gonna have these? And if the answer is no, then you get on the right side of history, because that's how. If you look back historically, none of the politicians, there's none of them that said they were for this. They Were all against it. And the list goes on and on. We should do this with many topics like marijuana. And I think people do sell research and things like that. Things that will be here.

[Bill Maher]

I think they do. But it's not like religious people are going to hear that argument and just give it up. Oh, you're right. In a hundred years this will seem silly. No, their view is in a hundred years or before, the rapture is going to come and Jesus is going to come down and swish you up to heaven if you're good and if you're lucky and if you're not a Jew and for everybody else, you know, it's going to be pitchforks and hellfire and you're going to be partying with Satan. So, yeah, it's one of those conundrums. That argument only works on the people who would believe it to begin with. It doesn't turn anybody around as so little does. I mean, you know, both of us have exhausted so much breath over the years and you think, how many people have we really turned around?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen, I can't get my wife to listen to me. I've realized that I had no idea. I say it all the time. I always thought I would be. If I ever got to that point where I was rich, white and middle aged, everyone would just be at the hem of my garment saying, please, more pearls of wisdom. Instead of, yeah, you took your asshole pills today, I guess, Carolla, why should we listen to you? I mean, I just thought if you drove a Tercel and I drove a Mercedes, you would have to listen to me when I imparted my wisdom upon you. Not necessarily because I had more money than you, but just because I figured out a way in life to parlay whatever I had into success. And you'd want to know that we have not. No, we have not worked a society around that at all. We have not fostered that at all in our society.

[Bill Maher]

But any converts, I must say, are satisfying. And I do hear them all the time. Especially about the topic we were talking about a minute ago. Religion. Not so much with politics. People are pretty set in their political ways. That may be a chip that goes in your brain when you're born. You know, I just feel like in political circles people are either red team or blue team. And then whatever happens, they see it through that prism. But religion, I have heard a lot of people, especially after Religionless came out, said, and to this day when they see the movie, they say, you know what? I kind of was on the fence and that pushed me. I really feel like religion is the one topic where people are vulnerable to change because it is just. If you look at it and examine it just in a dispassionate light for five minutes, you can push someone over. You can really get that question mark in their head.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

It's not that hard to make them go, oh, my God, you're right. This is just such a bunch of bullshit. And as soon as Toto pulls that curtain back and they see that the wizard is just a little man saying, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, then you know you're home.

[Adam Carolla]

But for every one that you've turned out.

[Bill Maher]

Sure. Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I like to think of him as Frost.

[Bill Maher]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he is the bishop, Don. Magic wand. So he is a bishop of the Catholic Church?

[Bill Maher]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

For everyone you've turned out. Turned out. There's been 50 alcoholics that have hit rock bottom in their 40s and found Jesus Christ or death row guys that have found Jesus Christ. Sadly, I don't know if they've really found.

[Bill Maher]

But the numbers, the numbers of atheists and agnostics keep going up in America. That is. That is one of the fastest growing minorities. I remember in the census of 2000, I think it was something like 7. I think it was 7%. And then in 2010, it was 14. It had doubled. And the last one I looked, it was 16. So the numbers are moving in the right direction. Obviously, we're nowhere near where they are in Europe, which are 50 and north, but it's going in the right direction.

[Adam Carolla]

And as far as I read a quote of yours, I just said something the other day which was. I think I was talking about Penn Jillette and about how he has so much energy behind the atheist movement. And I said, for me, religion is a moving job and I've got a bad back. Part of being an atheist is just wanting to stay out of the game.

[Bill Maher]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And if I'm going to be going to rallies, then I may as well. May as well be going to church at that point.

[Bill Maher]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know if you feel that way or not.

[Bill Maher]

Of course. And that's one reason why it's hard to know how many atheists there are, because we are precisely unreligious. We don't get into groups. We don't count ourselves. We don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Chico.

[Bill Maher]

We don't have. We don't have those trappings that religious people have and which leads them into group things. We are by nature individuals and ethicists. We don't need the, you know, the list of 10 things. Because we know the list and it. And it doesn't resemble mostly the Ten Commandments, because most of the Ten Commandments are ridiculous things that have to do with God's ego and not with morality. If you were really coming up with a list of 10 great things, you certainly would put rape and incest on the verboten list. And you would leave off maybe swearing, working on Sunday and building statues. Other gods.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

Do you.

[Adam Carolla]

So going way back to dad who drove into somewhere other than Harlem but nearby, parked his car and went to work every day.

[Bill Maher]

Parked his car and then took the subway. Parked his car at the subway in Washington Heights. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Chico's very affectionate.

[Bill Maher]

He likes you. Usually he spends 10 minutes barking and then he loves you.

[Adam Carolla]

Is. And so you saw your dad do this basically his whole life?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Well, he was. When I was a little kid, he was more on air. He was on the old Mutual Broadcasting System and on WOR in New York, and then they became defunct.

[Gina Grad]

This is a paid message from GoFundMe. Meet Juan Naula.

[Adam Carolla]

When his son was hospitalized for a

[Gina Grad]

viral infection, Juan started a GoFundMe to pay for medical expenses.

[Adam Carolla]

It was 5k to pay the bill for my son, and I need only 22 hours. It was amazing. People really trust on GoFundMe.

[Gina Grad]

How did Juan raise $5,000 in less than a day? He posted a short video on GoFundMe telling his story in 30 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

30 seconds. Be specific. Be quick and tell.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What are you going to be using the funds for?

[Adam Carolla]

I was nervous to do it because it doesn't feel okay to ask money. But you shouldn't be nervous.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Sometimes you just have to do it

[Adam Carolla]

and see the results. We were able to save my son's life thanks to gofundme that we still have my son with us.

[Gina Grad]

Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this message reflects one person's experience.

[Bill Maher]

We had some tough years when he was in and out of work. He landed as an editor, a news editor. Same kind of gig, but not on air. And that was like the 80s. And.

[Adam Carolla]

And for you, what was high school like?

[Bill Maher]

Well, tough, you know, I mean, I'm not one of those people who particularly enjoyed childhood. I didn't have a bad childhood or abusive childhood or any of that. I just was never meant to be a child. I'm a control freak. You don't have a Lot of control when you're a kid. I was shy, you know. I had one girlfriend in high school, so that was a fun year. But then, you know, she dumped me, and I was, like, completely desolate for the last year of high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have a lot of friends?

[Bill Maher]

I didn't have a lot of friends. I had one or two even in college. College was even worse. I had no girlfriends except my last year, and hardly any friends for the first couple of years.

[Adam Carolla]

You went to Columbia, right?

[Bill Maher]

Cornell or Cornell? I should have gone to Col. That would have been a lot more fun. Cornell upstate Cornell was very isolated and very competitive and very cold. And there weren't any girls hardly.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the plan when you went there?

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I don't know. I mean, I went to the best school that took me without. Hardly. Without investigating anything else. I'm not a great researcher. And that was it. I was stuck in this cold, lonely place.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really, like I said, I think I spoke at Ithaca a time or two, and it's up and out. Like, it's out there.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, it's. You mean far away, like.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

It's isolated, physically beautiful, but hard to get to. And once you're there. Yeah, you're in that world. And I wasn't, you know, I was not somebody who was very socially adept at that age. Like I say, there weren't many girls there, but I sure didn't know how to get the ones that were there. Would you.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a question. You know, it's sort of weird with the girl thing and the celebrity thing, because now you can get laid whenever you want because you're on tv, essentially.

[Bill Maher]

Do you think, well, I have a girlfriend now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

I went through that phase for a long time. Yes. But, you know, I'm 56 now, so I. You know, I'm not trying to do that anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Hypothetically.

[Bill Maher]

Hypothetically, I still could. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And do you think it's because you figured it out? I mean, do you. Let's just say you're a plumber. Don't you feel like your rap would be good enough to get laid now, minus the celebrity part?

[Bill Maher]

I don't. I don't. That's. Wow, Adam. That's a. What a philosophical kind of job that is. I don't know about that. I think, you know, you're. You're saying, could you have the confidence that you have, which is partly given to you by being a success? Without that success? I don't know. If you take away the first part of the equation that the second one holds.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of it is a rap and an understanding of women too though.

[Bill Maher]

It is. That is true. Yeah, that is absolutely true. If you, I, I feel like that is something that comes with age and experience no matter what your position.

[Adam Carolla]

If you knew what you knew now, oh my college.

[Bill Maher]

Absolutely. I'd be so much better, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And it'd still just be Bill Maher the college freshman or sophomore. Junior.

[Bill Maher]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

You take that diabolical 56 year old brain of yours, right, Stick it in a 19 year old bill Maher felt hairless bond, right? I mean you could just work that rap.

[Bill Maher]

You're right. You're right. Well, I mean it's, it's knowing that rap, it's knowing the anti rap, it's knowing not to have a rap. It's knowing to. It's knowing to how to talk to a woman as if she's actually a person instead of this thing that you want to fuck. That's the cool, that's the thing that really you have to get into your head if you can actually talk to them as if they are just another person you're interested in. And then of course as you get even older, what at least what happened to me is I actually did want to do that. I actually did want to find women that I really did want to talk to. Aside from the fact that I wanted to have sex with them. Whereas for years the sex just ruled me. It was, I mean that just. I was the traditional person, man who was led around by his penis.

[Adam Carolla]

And did you feel. I feel in this town at least especially with a lot of agents and in suits we'll call them, and not in a pejorative way, but just producers, agents, guys like that.

[Bill Maher]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like there's a lot of making up for high school going on.

[Bill Maher]

Like a lot of there was with me.

[Adam Carolla]

I could not get that tall blonde when I was in high school. But now I drive this car, I work in this office, I wear this suit in lookout world because I am overcompensating and you're gonna get hit with a tidal wave of jizz.

[Bill Maher]

But that's, but that's not just show business. That's real estate moguls. That's anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure.

[Bill Maher]

That's not just show business because you know what that is about is women mature earlier. So you know, women when they're attractive in high school are going out with the upperclassmen. When I was at Cornell, the hot girls were going out with the graduate students. Wherever you look the Girls are seeking somebody who might be a little closer to their maturity level, which is somebody older. So the young guys are left frustrated. So when we get older, oh, it's time to turn the tables. Now we're the older person who has the thing that the girls want.

[Adam Carolla]

I know the harsh reality sinking in in high school where you had that thing where you were a freshman and you said, well, don't worry, next year we'll get the whole freshman class when we're sophomores. Oh, you realize that math never worked.

[Ray Oldhafer]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Somehow just kept pushing on right past whatever the fuck grade I was in.

[Bill Maher]

That's. That's correct.

[Adam Carolla]

So dad goes to work, you're in college and you start. Obviously you're thinking about comedy at some point, but does it exist in your world? Are you, are you aware of it?

[Bill Maher]

Oh, I, I wanted to be a comedian and knew I was going to be a comedian when I was 10. I remember.

[Adam Carolla]

You knew you were going to be one versus hoping to be one.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I mean, you know, I did not have that kind of a, kind of confidence as a kid. I just knew that that's what I wanted to do. I could not picture myself doing anything else when I. Here's, here's the greatest test of. I think what motivates and goes on in a man's mind is what you think about when you're jerking off. So when I was 12 years old and I started to jerk off, what was it that got me? The women in my jerk off fantasy? What got me these great women who at the time were like Ann Margret and Raquel Welch. It was that I was a comedian, that I was a successful comedian. So I must have really.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you were beating off to Minnie Pearl.

[Bill Maher]

No, no, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying what would get you, what

[Bill Maher]

would get me those women was when I was 12 years old was, I was, I was Johnny Carson. I was a successful comedian, right? So he was always in my head. As I say, I was not confident, very shy. So I never said to anybody, I'm gonna be a comedian. It's funny the way kids, they have such confidence nowadays. They'll come up to me, you know, 18 year old kids, hey, I'm gonna be on your show someday. Hey, I'm gonna take over your show. Great. You know, I just never had that, that, that sort of confidence. But when I graduated college, you know, I had to. My parents were like, well, we didn't want to really ask you all the time you were in college, what you're gonna Do. But, you know, it might come up at Thanksgiving dinner. And, you know, I kind of just mumbled, yeah, I passed the audition at Catch a Rising Star, and I'm, you know, can be a comedian. Oh, okay. You know, they were like, they were cool about it. You know, they didn't say, oh, come on, get a real job.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Right?

[Bill Maher]

And that's what it was. I moved into the city. I did not have any money. I got what they call a rent free situation where I did something for people. Sold pot. No, I did that too. I did that too. But no, I lived with the South African ambassador's family, and I took his three bratty kids to school and kind of bought. Bodyguarded them.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, really?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, that was my rent free. And I lived in the maid's room, which was about as big as your shirt. And for that I got room and board. You know, the food was horrible, but I got a place, a roof over my head. I lived in a very swank apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

I work with the kids. I want you to meet your new bodyguard dad. I'm taller than he is. I think I weigh 20 pounds more than he does his job.

[Bill Maher]

I was 22.

[Adam Carolla]

I've got the bullet for you.

[Bill Maher]

The. The kids were like 8, 7, and 4 or something. No, no, no. There were twins. There were twins. And then an older one, like, they were like 9 and 7 or something. And yeah, I would get up in the morning, I would take them to walk them to the bus, get on the bus with them. We'd go over to the school on Park Avenue. Then I go back home. I'd sleep until it was time to pick them up. In the afternoon, I'd pick them up, take them home, and then I would go out at night to the comedy clubs and humiliate myself. But you were.

[Adam Carolla]

You were living in a pretty sweet. I mean, a small room, but a

[Bill Maher]

big house, small room in an amazing apartment in a building called the Sovereign, which was right in the shadow of the 59th Street Bridge east of First Avenue.

[Adam Carolla]

So that worked out.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, for the time, for that moment in my life, it was a way to live in New York and be able to walk. I was on the east side, and that's where the clubs were. That's where Catch and the comic strip were.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, as far as progression goes, you know, this is the problem that a lot of people have. They first. They first think that you are who you are and always were who you were. They don't realize that you sort of molded yourself into who you are and continue to mold yourself into who you are.

[Bill Maher]

And slowly, because I'm not a fast learner. But yeah, you're. It's an evolution. Life is an evolution.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you go up on stage and is there any point where you think, geez, I've done this 10 times and I'm not that good at it, or did you see a progression immediately?

[Bill Maher]

Well, oh, no. I mean, the first year or two of your standup career, that's where 90% of the pain is, because you aren't good. I mean, you know, you're funny as a person, you're funny as a kid. You make teachers laugh, your friends laugh. You think this will be an easy transition to make an audience laugh. And of course it's not. It's just the very beginning of what could make an audience laugh. But it's a completely different skill set which you have to learn in front of people who are not enjoying you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, you only. You hang out all night at the comedy clubs hoping to get on. Some nights you don't get on at all. If you do get on some nights, it's for literally one or two people, the last people left. And no one else is going to want to go up there except the eager, desperate newcomer be. And you go up there and you try out some material and it doesn't encourage you to do it the next night, but you have to because you, you know, you have this drive to accomplish this. But it is not an easy first year or two. If you learn anything else, you don't do it in an atmosphere where people are literally staring at you, looking at you like you're an idiot and what are you doing? You suck. And rejecting you very, very vocally. You know, if you learn the computer, you do it in front of the computer screen and you make a mistake. So what? But this is just so hard on the ego.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it'd be like if you learn to be a commercial pilot by crashing airplanes every night.

[Bill Maher]

That's perfect. Yes, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice if they had some sort of comedy simulator you could get into.

[Bill Maher]

Right? And they don't. You cannot do it in the mirror in your room, as many people think.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And there's the thing that's. I keep trying to sort of explain to people is. Or what people don't. I don't think what people can fully grasp is there was a time when Bill Maher wasn't Bill Maher and no one at the club gave a shit about Bill Maher and made no difference to them. Sometimes even worse they may have thought Bill Maher wasn't going to amount to anything or didn't particularly like him or said he doesn't have what it takes. I mean, I've been around long enough to hear people say that about a lot of people that are now successful. And even Bill Maher didn't know what Bill Maher had. So that's the part where you feel most. And this is getting cathartic, but that's where you feel the most vulnerable and you don't. And I think a lot of people just think, well, even though we all intellectually understand there was a Bill Maher in high school and an unsuccessful stand up Bill Maher, you always were on this trajectory and people knew who you were and sort of it worked out. It's not that way with stand up, especially at the beginning.

[Bill Maher]

It's not that way with any, any phase of any part of show business. You're only really as good as your last project. Look at all the people who, they're on top, like literally one year and then a couple years later they're like on a sitcom or something. You know, I mean, I always kid Les Moonvest because I call him the Vulture of Blackrock, because, you know, his, his method is to like find people, movie stars who have just passed their peak and then he gets them on his detective shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You know, and that's why I call him the Vulture, because he's hanging there above the scene, waiting for some. For a career to die. Yeah, he's waiting, waiting for a movie career to become. To die. And then the person is vulnerable to do television.

[Adam Carolla]

He's waiting for, you know, anyone under Meryl Streep chops to hit any female to hit her 41st birthday and he's gonna slide in there or a guy,

[Bill Maher]

you know, it's like one day you're Gary Sinise and you're in, you know, Forrest Gump and all these big movies, and then you're like, yeah, I'll be a detective on cbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bill Maher]

Not that that's bad work and it's very lucrative and it's wonderful. But I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not wonderful, but when you

[Bill Maher]

say, well, it's compared to being, you know, salesman at Kenny Shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Bill Maher]

Pretty wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

Not sure if they have Kinney's anymore.

[Bill Maher]

That's why I use it so it doesn't insult anyone I see selling PF flyers at Kitties.

[Adam Carolla]

So you go through that, that horrible, horrible, like what would have to be basic training that went on for Two or three years. Yes, that first couple of years of doing stand up, waiting in line. Oftentimes the only audience are other comedians who aren't very generous with their laughter. I have found that the guys who ran the open mic nights were almost sadistic in their wiring sometimes.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of wanted to be.

[Bill Maher]

Well, because you're competition, you know, and

[Adam Carolla]

also they are you 20 years from now who never found any success and are back doing something that they think is beneath it.

[Bill Maher]

Well, the guys who ran the open mic nights when I was there were the ones who were just slightly ahead of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Bill Maher]

Yeah. Larry David was the guy who passed me at Catch a Rising Star. He had been doing it maybe five years more than I had.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he did these guys.

[Bill Maher]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

The experience I had was these guys would dispense advice sometimes, but it was never really advice for the sake of advice. It was more sort of drill sergeant yelling at, you know, greenhorns kind of, you know, and listen, you know, when you see the flashlight, that's your last joke. It's not your last story, it's your last joke. Save the funny stuff for the end. And then weird editorial stuff like tell jokes. People don't want to hear stories.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And like, well, how do you know they don't want to hear a story?

[Bill Maher]

Yes. There was also, when I was there, this, this template that we all believed in that we had to get like five or six clean Tonight show shots together. That's what we were, what we were in the clubs for, to develop clean material. So then we could go on the Tonight show and the Tonight show would then get us a sitcom.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

That's what we all had in our heads, really. The goal was to get on a sitcom like Freddie Prinze did and be a stand up who also had a sitcom.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't it nice knowing. And by the way, Bill's going to be doing live free stand up crazy stupid politics out in Silicon Valley. And if you're listening, that'll be Thursday, February 23rd tonight for 90% of the people that are listening. 7:30 Pacific, 10:30 Eastern on Yahoo. And on Yahoo. Isn't it nice knowing that you're going to walk out in front of your audience and that you've earned that audience.

[Bill Maher]

That's everything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's everything.

[Bill Maher]

Bob Hope said there was three elements to comedy to stand up comedy material which you can buy, timing which you cannot buy or even be taught. Timing is innate.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bill Maher]

You cannot teach that. And the third element was recognition. And I never knew what that meant until I got it. And then it is everything. Because for so many years, you are generic comic. That's what you are as a young comic that nobody knows. And I always use the analogy of music. No one would just. If somebody said to you, hey, do you want to go to a club tonight and hear music?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bill Maher]

You'd be like, well, what kind are you talking about? Megadeth? Are you talking about jazz? Are you talking about Christina Aguilera? What kind? And no one would just say, yes, I want to hear music. Maybe somebody would. I sure wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Not unless they said, break a tone, right? Which case I'd be in.

[Bill Maher]

But no, but they do that with comedy. Want to go to the comedy club and hear a comic?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bill Maher]

And maybe they're thinking, oh, it's going to be as great as the last time we went when we saw Gallagher. And then you're nothing like Gallagher. So, you know, you're playing to at least half the audience who doesn't. It's not really interested in the type of comedy you're doing, and you're not that good, and you're trying to win them over and oh, yay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it fucking sucks.

[Bill Maher]

It's just so much better to walk out there to people who know what you do, they want you to do what you do for them, and you want to do it for them now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of. I would use the same thing about saying. I would use the same analogy with music. I would say if you're a band and you're playing the county fair, you're fucked for the most part, because you're just playing in front of a group of people that happen to be at this place. If they've already come out to see you, you're about halfway home. And I almost feel, when I go out and do shows, sort of like it's cheating. Like, people will go. You know, you walk off stage and people go, oh, that was awesome. Great show. You slayed them. And I always go, but they were here. They were already sort of primed.

[Bill Maher]

They're in the bag.

[Adam Carolla]

They were here anyway. All you can really do is fuck it up.

[Bill Maher]

Do you remember that great scene in Spinal Tap where Spinal Tap is playing, like, the Air Force Academy, right? And Fred Willard is the officer, and he comes over to them and he says, oh, we're so glad you're here. We're such big fans of yours. Well, not you in particular, but the whole genre of rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we love your. I think he said, we love your music. Well, not your music.

[Bill Maher]

Not you in particular, but the genre.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred Willard.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

And not only that, but just one of the nicest dudes on the planet.

[Bill Maher]

And never stops, always works. You always see him and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he just. He seems to have it right. I don't know. I mean, I don't know if he enjoys it or. He wants the money.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, he does.

[Bill Maher]

He loves it. I've worked with Fred before. Put him in a pilot. I once did a sitcom pilot, and I've worked with him in Stand up on the Road. I know his wife Mary, he's been with forever. And yeah, he's a great guy with a great life and a great talent, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't let me put words in your mouth.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

But

[Adam Carolla]

I've talked to people about why some jobs are good and why some jobs suck. And people like to think about compensation a lot, how much you get paid. And that's how we'll decide where the job sucks or not. But for me, it's repetition. I like the job I have because I can work on a book one day. I can do a podcast. I can do a live show. I can do an independent movie. I can work on a sitcom. I'm guessing because you do so many different things, that's kind of a part of this business you're attracted to as well, and. Or would you like to go back to a nightly. Be here. You know, you're hosting the Tonight show now, but you have to be at the same place every day for the next 25 years at the same time and all day.

[Bill Maher]

Well, I mean, I. I do have a fairly routined life. I mean, I do a show on Friday night. I work all week toward that show. I go to the office every day at the same time. And then I do stand up frequently on the weekends. You know, I do about 60, 70 dates a year. So I'm away, but never more than like two or three at a time. And then I come home. Sometimes people say, you know, how long is your tour? I'm like, what time is it? My tour ends when the show ends and I go home. But, yeah, I mean, outside of making that movie religious, which was my Moby Dick that I really wanted to harpoon, that motherfucker. I don't have any great ambitions to do any other outside projects. You know, I've been lucky enough to be doing real time now for 10 years. I did Politically Incorrect for nine years, and I do stand up now. We did put out a book that. We did put out another new rules book this year. I did that more for, you know, I know it sounds corny, but fans, my writers wanted to do it. I was happy to do it, but I wouldn't have done it personally myself. You know, books are great, but not enough people read them. I'm happy just doing the show and stand up, you know, I don't have the fire in my belly anymore like I did when I was young.

[Adam Carolla]

For doing a sitcom.

[Bill Maher]

Oh, for doing a sitcom? Forget it. Are you kidding? A sitcom? I lived that life. That was the 80s. I was in four sitcoms and it was great at the time, but, you know, I don't even watch sitcoms, let alone be in them. Well, I watched the office in 30 Rock.

[Adam Carolla]

But what about, by the way, the book, the New New Rules? Funny, look at how everybody but me has their head up their ass. You can get at Amazon and by

[Bill Maher]

the way, and it is funny, you know, I mean, it's a great compilation of not just the rules, but those editorials we do at the end of the show, which I think would serve as a pretty good book on their own. But, you know, it's a, it's a lot of work putting a book together and I didn't really, I don't, you know, I'd rather enjoy my life. You know, when you get to my age, your perspective changes because you just realize every day has to count.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Does.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that brings me to another question. So outside of comedy and hot tubs, what are you into? I mean, what is a passion of yours? Would anybody be surprised that you're into building ships in a bottle or something like that?

[Bill Maher]

During my stand up act, it's funny you say that is my building ships in a bottle. Because it's a meticulous hobby where you get to craft something little by little. I love going out on the road and building my act and, you know, putting the pieces together, putting, oh, this joke works better before this joke or, you know, this joke would work great if I put it more toward the end of the show in this section. That kind of meticulous craftsmanship is what I love about stand up. And it keeps me busy. And you know, my philosophy of life is be as good a person as you can. And after that it is a lot about killing time until you die. It is a lot about distracting yourself. Some people build ships in a bottle and some people watch nascar and some people go out and do stand up, but it really is just that. So, you know, I work a lot. People think I'm a workaholic. That might be an apt description I work on the show tirelessly all week. Really takes it out of me and you know, when my girlfriend's here, we hang out. I. I watch tv usually at the end of the night before I go to bed. But I love tv. I love watching shit for an hour and an hour and a half before I go to sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you smoke pot on a daily basis?

[Bill Maher]

Not on a daily basis.

[Adam Carolla]

Three times a day?

[Bill Maher]

Never. I've never smoked pot on a daily basis. Mostly because it doesn't work as well if you do.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bill Maher]

You know, I, in fact, what I would really love to do is take a year off from smoking pot. That would be awesome because then I would get my original head back where I would just sit there and laugh hysterically at nothing. But. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen since it's been my New Year's resolution for like 30 years. Quit this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it? Is it? Pot is so fucking good now. I mean it's just so good from the time you were smoking it back in the day in upstate New York.

[Bill Maher]

It may be, but my head isn't as good, so I don't notice that. You know, I don't notice how great the pot is because I've been smoking for so long that it just does not, you know, reach me on that level. I mean, I may have been smoking dirt weed when I was 19 and first did it, but my friend and I literally could not get out of the driveway. We would smoke pot in the car away from the parents and it took us an hour to put the car in reverse. I mean, we were just laughing hysterically at nothing that does not exist anymore. I don't think they make a kind of pot that could do that to my brain. If they did, I would certainly pay top dollar for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, for me, I used to love smoking weed. And then at a certain point I got too much on my plate emotionally. Like kids and mortgages and insurance and that adult life, so to speak. And the pot made me, it didn't make me paranoid, but it made me sort of. It was easier to smoke pot when I was single and all I was thinking about was going to Denny's and having. Ordering three grand slams and laughing my ass off. Like what? I wasn't thinking about paying for my kids college. It's somehow the pot. Now booze works incredibly well for that. FYI, lest anyone think I'm not doing something to alter myself, I'm just saying couple of glasses of red wine and it's like, fuck it, the kids can go to junior college. Big deal. They're not Einstein. They'll get over it, you know? But the pod makes me pace now, and it doesn't make me uptight or weird or anything. I got high the other week. You couldn't really tell, but I get up in my head a little.

[Bill Maher]

That happens. I used to eat it on occasion, and I would never eat it again because eating it started to make me paranoid. It's a different high when you eat it. It's a little more like tripping. Can't depend on what it's gonna do to you. You don't really know how much you've taken.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, you can. You can ask Sarah how much she put in the brownies, but other than that. But, you know, it becomes like a merry go round that you feel like you can't step off of. You're going to be on this for the next seven hours.

[Bill Maher]

Yeah, it can be a bad trip. But, you know, it's funny you say what you just said, because I just read Paul McCartney quit, and I thought, God, I hear this so often. You know, people get to a certain age and they quit. And I feel like I don't want that to happen to me because I feel like the day I quit, potential, that is sort of like a admission that I'm on the final glide path now, right? Like this is. That's. That's gonna be a depressing day. If that day comes. I hope I'm like Timothy Leary who was puffing on his deathbed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, is there part of you. And I honestly feel this way about other substances, booze included, pot included. I like it too much to have a problem with it, because if I have a problem with it, then I have to stop doing it.

[Bill Maher]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I am the kind of guy who. I love drinking my red wine. But if that. If I switch over to vodka, and that comes in a squeezed plastic bottle and I'm drinking it straight out of the squeeze bottle in my car and the sun is out, then I have to check myself into the Betty Ford Clinic, and now I can't drink anymore.

[Bill Maher]

I think that's the type of personality you are. I mean, some people are addictive and obsessive and do over the top with everything. I was never that kind of person. I never did anything, I don't think, in excess. I mean, I used to drink a lot more, but as you say, I never did it in a day. I never did it out of a squeeze bottle. It never affected my work. I Don't think it affected my relationships. I didn't have any then. I was a party animal. So, I mean, you could say it affected that. But I mean, I wanted that first. It wasn't like drinking made me that drinking just allowed the party to continue. It's so easy to have a party all night long. When you drink, you go to one place and you have a couple of drinks. Oh, now we're kind of high. And then you go to another place, you have another couple of drinks and you know, you go out at 8 o' clock at night and you come home at 2 in the morning. Well, I just don't do that anymore. I mean, I used to have, you know, 25, 30 drinks a week. Now I have five drinks a week. You know, because liquor, it's not like pot, it's just a lot harder on your body. You just can't do it. When you're 56, you'll have a nose like Ted Kennedy.

[Adam Carolla]

The next day is a little tough too.

[Bill Maher]

Not for me. It's that day. It's like two hours after I stop. I don't get a hangover, I get a. I feel shitty. Fairly soon after I've taken this poison.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, for me it's the next time I'm awake because all go to bed drunk and then get up the next day with the, you know, never again. And then I think, hair from the dog.

[Bill Maher]

Well, you're lucky, it makes you pass out. It doesn't make me pass out anymore. It makes me sick.

[Adam Carolla]

The jokes. I was thinking about this again. Don't let me put words in your mouth. You're a guy who has a lot of opinions and a lot of social commentary and you like to mix it up with people that disagree with you. And when you watch your show, you see that that's where you come from. But you also are a guy who likes jokes a lot, which is strange because I like the social commentary stuff and I like the free flowing thought, the improv and all that kind of stuff, but I'm not much for jokes. I like jokes, but I'm not, I'm not, I don't do them. I'm not very good at them. And then there's people just do the jokes, you know, Jeff Ross does jokes, but not a whole lot of social commentary. It's weird that you're sort of straddling that fence and I mean in a good way, but I mean, most guys are one guy or the other. You like jokes a lot for a guy who does what you do.

[Bill Maher]

Especially in the standup now on Real Time, you know, I have guests and we're trying to talk about topics. So I want to make the show entertaining and I hope to get some funny stuff in there, but it's not pure laugh, laugh, laugh. What I try to do in the standup is, you know, make a point, but always with a killer joke at the end of it. If I have a point to be made but I don't have a joke that finishes it, I don't do the point. I'll make another point. I like to give them a very tight show of a lot of, you know, really funny jokes. You're right, I do like jokes. And I think when you do stand up especially, that's what you're there for. That's not a lecture, it's not a history class, it's not a talk show. They come out there and they paid money to sit in an audience and they want to laugh hard. And that's what makes them jump to their feet at the end that, oh my God, he worked my stomach out. And to do that, yeah, you gotta have jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

You sound like the guy who used to run the open mic over at the Improv.

[Bill Maher]

Now I'm doing that.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Awful.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I mean, I think there's a part of you that's a little bit old school with that. Absolutely. Because a lot of people feel like

[Bill Maher]

I'm totally old school. You know what I hate is watching any stand up comedian and see them on stage going, what else? What else? Fuck what else? You know what? When you see me, I will never say what else. I know what else. I came prepared. That is old school.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I appreciate that and I like that. I think the audience appreciates it. And I think the what else Part is just part of this weird casual. Everyone shops at Old Navy, even if they make $5 million a year. And everyone drives a Prius. And everyone has this sort of shabby chic, you know, guys that are millionaires have beards that are scraggly and look like Ashton Kutcher with a hair and a band.

[Bill Maher]

What does a band wear? A T shirt and jeans. It's not like the old days when the Temptations all dressed the same and had great suits on, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. No, it was like, you're going to be in a band. All right, we have to dress. I'm Paul Revere. You're the Raiders. You better get one of those three corner hats. And now, goddamn band. We need the same outfits.

[Bill Maher]

Of all the examples, that was the perfect one. Paul Revere and the Raiders.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And there's a thing now where everybody. And there was a time when acting was acting and now it's sort of method acting. And the. I don't mean that in a bad way, but you know what I mean? Where everyone has to show up and pretend like, well, geez, I really have to rub their forehead and say, I never really thought about it. And they have to dress again like they're, you know, on a Southwest flight to Vegas in the middle of the week. You know, there's this, I'm not trying. I can't get caught trying. That's it. And performers used to, hey, they'd spin plates and go, huh, huh.

[Bill Maher]

No, I'm trying. I'm trying as hard as I can. And when I'm not doing that, I will quit. I try as hard as I can to make Real Time the best show I can on Friday night. It's a lot different than doing a show every night. When you do a show every night, you can't make it great. The charm of it is that we're throwing shit against the wall tonight and seeing what's gonna stick. I mean, Letterman has made a career of that. Like, you know, hey, we're just going to go on the street and we're going to use the people who work here in the building. And you know that. And there is a great charm to that. That's not what I'm trying to do. I have all week. I'm trying to create a polished product that catches people up who have not been able to look at the paper all week on everything important that happened that week and do it in an entertaining way with enough pre written stuff that I know that if a guest is boring or a panel is not clicking for too long, it won't be forever before we get to something really good and entertaining. And when I do stand up, you know, like I say, I want to make that a tight little. And when I can't do it that way, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it this lovingly way. Maybe that's, that's not hip, but you know, I'm old enough now where I don't have to worry about hip or not. You could just kind of like take a pass on that and say, hey, fuck you. I'm 56.

[Adam Carolla]

I found that when most people do the what else? If they could do it the way you do it or the way Dennis Miller does it, or the way a lot of guys Older school guys do it where they just rattle it off. They would.

[Bill Maher]

They would do it. I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Real time Friday nights, 10 o', clock. HBO. Of course. New episodes returning on March 2nd. And as mentioned before, the Stand up special, it'll be streaming live on Yahoo. And that'll be tonight, February 23rd. That is Thursday, 7:30 Pacific. And you do the fucking Eastern Math. Jesus Christ. 8:45 Eastern.

[Bill Maher]

He gets grumpy at the end of the hour, doesn't he? A grumpy old man at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, we're old school. We like jokes. Go to meeting. By the way, gotomeeting. I don't know if you've tried this technology, Bill, but it is unbelievable. Brought to you by Citrix. It takes the webcam you put on your computer. Oh, imagine the single Bill Maher with GoToMeeting. You can see everyone in high definition.

[Bill Maher]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

On your screen. I think up to like six people.

[Bill Maher]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is a weekday for you. But back in the day, that would have been Wednesday afternoon for Bill Maher.

[Bill Maher]

Ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

You can again face to face on these meetings. You don't have to. You can keep your carbon footprint to the size of Billy Barty's.

[Bill Maher]

Really? Why is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because you don't have to get on a plane and go across country and meet with everyone. You just pop open your computer and use GoToMeeting. It is such a saver of the ozone. Collaborate in Group HD video. Try GoToMeeting free for 30 days. Free 30 days? Only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button and enter the promo code Adam. Bill, this has been a little slice of heaven.

[Bill Maher]

I wish you could go on more. I'm just getting started.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't we do it again?

[Bill Maher]

Anytime. You guys can stay here for welcoming

[Adam Carolla]

us into the home again. Beautiful, beautiful theater up here. Acoustically sound at Bill Maher's private estate. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bill Maher San. Mahalo. At first I didn't think it was real.

[Bill Maher]

I woke up to this blinding light

[Adam Carolla]

and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. The truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Bill Maher]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV stream now pay Never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com ask Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. All right, it's Adam Crillow. Show 736 admin.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Go all the way back to Adam appearing on Politically Incorrect many, many, many times. He was essentially a regular and if

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

anybody called or canceled, he was on

[Adam Carolla]

the list to come fill in. Dr. Drew also appeared in the show, just nowhere near as much as Adam.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Bill then appeared on Loveline, also in the Man Show.

[Adam Carolla]

He's appeared on the podcast several more times and Adam even popped up on On Real Time. All right, coming up next, we have

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

adam Krilla show 915. Jay Chandasekar, Ray Oldhopper, Gia Grad filling

[Adam Carolla]

in on News back in 2012 along with Brian Bishop.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution, all designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the Podcast. And welcome to the program. Welcome, Gina Grad. Good to see you again.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you. It's so nice to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Alison had a little moving emergency and she'll be back on Monday, of course. No, she's moving on up, but she had a little moving emergency, so Gina stepped in last minute to do some news and commentary and we thank her. Good day, Ray Oldhoffer.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Good day to you, ace.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a nice day today. We went to Nick Offerman's wood shop and boy, it's like you died and went to bunghole heaven. That's a wood thing.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Hardwood. Anyway, yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. Bold Brian.

[Gina Grad]

Hi, this is Becky Honkington.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going to get into a controversial story subject here, and first I must say that thank you, thank you, thank you for Mangria. I've sold almost 1500 bottles of mangria, pre ordered baby, shipping out early next week. And it's just been a huge success. And we got 1, 3, 6, 12 bottles. Whatever you like. You go to the Mangria link on our homepage. Or you can go to Be a Man. Or. Ray, we're going to start with you. Every time I fucking give a website out, you like to yell out before I get. Or you can go to buymangria.com. thank you, Dick. Anyway, Ray and I had a good time. I'm glad Ray's here because I want to get into this controversial. Not really, but I say that I got to get into controversial subject here. Somebody tweeted me this article and it's us. Black male graduation rates lag behind whites. You guys all sitting down?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Hold on, let's hear the whole article.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. By the way, just for FYI, and I'll read you some of the numbers. You can guess. I'll let you guess. I asked Matt to go find the Porcelain Punisher. Find where the Asians and the Jews are in terms of graduation rates out of the whites. Thanks, Ray. That part I think we knew. The question was, you're going to guess the percentage? More than half the young black men who graduated from US high schools in 2010 earned their diploma in four years, an improvement. But the rate still lagged behind their white counterparts. And that's us, by the way, also known as the blue eyed devil. 52% of black males entered high school in 06 and 07 that year. And 52% of them, I should say, graduated after entering in 06 and 07. So it's about 50% compared to there's. By the way, There's a new, very troubling description for white people. You guys sitting down? You sitting whitey? Compared to or compared with?

[Gina Grad]

Hi, this is Becky Honkington.

[Adam Carolla]

Compared with 78% of white, non Latino males and 58% of Latino males. So we're not. We're not just white anymore. We're white, non Latino.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

That's like every rectangle is a square. Not every square is a rectangle.

[Gina Grad]

And then you throw in the Pacific Islanders, and then hell breaks loose.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Squares or rectangles.

[Adam Carolla]

Just this notion that you can't say 78% of white males. It's 78% of white, not Latino males. And then 58% of Latinos, fuck it,

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm 100% white and I graduated.

[Gina Grad]

How Aryan of you, Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

How many Absent. How many absences?

[Ray Oldhafer]

112 absences out of 176 school teaching days.

[Adam Carolla]

And yes, I graduated senior year. Yes, senior year. Now 58% with the Latinos. So the Latinos got 58%. The brothers got 52%. The honkies got 78%. The article goes on to say the graduation rates of blacks and Latino students has become more urgent now that the majority of babies born in the US Are minorities. That's another great statement. The majority are minorities. That's an interesting statement, isn't it?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Well, the thing is, the stupider you are, the more catching kids you have.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you. It's the whole plot of idiocracy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right. So now the black leaders have stepped up, of course, and they're gonna right this wrong. And there's a guy who doesn't give his name, but the Congressional Black Caucus, or, sorry, I like to call it the Big Swingin Black Caucus, these outcomes are not evidence of flaws of young men, but evidence of willful neglect by federal, state, local, elected policymakers and leaders. I like the willful neglect.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What about willful neglect of parents?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're trying to hold the black man down. So what? Aggressively neglect them so we can do what with them later? You know what I mean?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I love somewhere in between.

[Adam Carolla]

I love part of the plan. I love that it's part of the plan. So here's the thing anyway, anything but. I've said it a million times. It's not. And I'll play this clip. And it's funny, because I saw this clip over the weekend and I was watching HLN and I think the network Dr. Drew's on, and they did this whole thing about the doctor Drew in the his. The whole Chicago teacher strike and all this Stuff. And they played a clip and they had a reporter there. Her name is Madeline, and I don't know how to make out her last name. Her first name is Madeline, which is a herky Jerky. Yeah, it's a weird.

[Gina Grad]

A hijarika.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird name. But Madeline is a weird name.

[Gina Grad]

It's an adjective too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Maudlin.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I'm maudlin today.

[Adam Carolla]

Depressing.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

I'm a little Ehidjera Rica today.

[Adam Carolla]

Modeling. And she's a reporter. Now, keep in mind, she's reporting and she's gonna tell you what's going on with the teachers and the teachers unions. And at some point she'll get into. To the urban community. Go ahead and play it.

[Gina Grad]

Union officials are meeting today to vote

[Adam Carolla]

on whether to end the strike this week. The Chicago Teachers unit and the city

[Gina Grad]

school board reached a tentative deal on Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Madeleine Ihe Jarica joins us now. She's a reporter with the Chicago Sun Times. I know you've been busy covering this story. Chicago Teachers Union took a stand.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

They said no.

[Adam Carolla]

They said we are not going to comply with criteria that allows teachers to be dismissed without. Without an opportunity to. To improve. And we are not going to be the scapegoats for public school education. Not when there are so many other factors that play into the performance of children, particularly in urban education. Poverty, crime, hunger, lack of social workers, et cetera, et cetera. Let's focus on the et cetera, because that's the only fucking one that matters. You're a reporter, sweetie. You're supposed to get at the truth. You're supposed to claw at the truth. Hunger is not what's keeping the brother man down when it comes to graduating. And neither is violence, and neither is poverty. And neither is a lack of social workers. Because guess what? When you're doing well, you don't need social workers.

[Gina Grad]

There is stuff for that. That's what Head Start is for. You get breakfast at school these days?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, Ray, when we went to.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Fuck, man. That's fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Listen.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason the black community and black men are not graduating is because the black communities come undone. The family unit has come undone. What makes a student is a mama and a daddy and an environment and an environment that has. It's light on chaos and big on guidance and says things like, where's your homework? Did you do your homework? Who's your teacher? I want to meet your teacher. When do I get to meet your teacher? I want to be involved with your academic life. That's what gets kids good Grades, not excellent teachers. Yeah, that helps. But let's face it, it's a low paying gig. And you're not gonna find a whole bunch of super smart, super motivated people to fill those roles. And there's many of them counselors, they're kinda like firemen.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Usually gay and trying to bang you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was yours, Ray.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you got to be absent 150 out of 170 days by the

[Ray Oldhafer]

way he banged you.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I wish my fucking counselor wanted to suck me off. I would have sucked him off for a little advice.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You still graduated.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Awesome. And we both ended up at carpet Cleaning Academy. The point is less teeth. We were like.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It's like we were the white blacks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's my counselor, Mr. Tomey.

[Gina Grad]

Fetching gentlemen.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yes. Oh, he was fantastic. Yeah. He could give a shit about Adam. Look at that Kennington shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember him explaining to me when I was talking about taking a class that everyone else was taking. And he went, it's a little out of your. A little out of your job description. Yeah.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What class?

[Adam Carolla]

I just said, I don't know, there's some history class everyone else was taking. I wanted. No, Ray, not automotive, you fucking retard. That's an easy class.

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, that wasn't. That was kind of tough actually. Anyway, what, what did you want to take, Ray?

[Gina Grad]

Did you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, just. Shit. All right, don't either listen or shut up, huh? I'm trying to explain that I was taking a class, it was a little bit difficult, and he suggested it was a little bit over my head. Not automotive. That would have been a class that I could have easily done. Yes. I was a ceramics major after all. The point is this. The black community is suffering because the black family is suffering. And the black student is suffering because the black family is suffering. And it's not about hunger. I don't know that many black kids that are hungry. And I grew up poor as you can get, and there was always food to find. Just fucking bum it if you have to, but you'll find it. Crime doesn't help, poverty doesn't help, but it doesn't stop you from learning. We went to. And the whole counselor thing, counselors, these are like firemen. You fucking call them after something happens. You don't call them before something happens. You don't need them. Yeah, I mean, look, in a world where there's two counselors for every troubled kid and you know, schools that are built like cathedrals and the best of the best teaching everything. Yeah, but we don't have that world, and we're not going to have that world. There's only one way to prevent this, and it's parents. And the only way to get at the problem is to focus on the cause of the problem, admit there's a problem and address it as such. You being a reporter. A reporter are supposed to get at the truth. And if you were talking about malaria, you wouldn't be screaming, let's not blame the mosquitoes. It's gotta be something else. It only happens during a full moon. No, if malaria's a problem, then you get at the problem. What is causing malaria? What is spreading malaria? You find it and then you attempt to work on it or eradicate it. So this is the problem.

[Ray Oldhafer]

That's why we went to Walter Reed Junior High.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

But when you're mad at malaria, you're not afraid that the wasps and hornets and whatever the hell they are mosquitoes are gonna get off?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Wait, which one's the wasps? I think we are so. And you got the guy who's doing the Black Caucus over here and he's saying it's not their fault. This is the problem. This is the fault of the willful neglect of the federal, state and local elected. Whatever. All right, so let me say this. Let's just say it is willful neglect on the state and local and federal level. Do you think it's going to get any better? Because I would say it's not. If all you do is look at the government go, what the fuck's up? How come nothing's changed here? Why is the black man falling off? And the Jew and the Asian, why are they rising? Well, first off, do you think there's a conspiracy against the black man? And as I say all the time. You don't think we hate Jews? Take a look at the world, baby.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Guess again.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a little something called the Holocaust, and there's still a little something. Well, sorry, Ray, I know you're just barely one generation removed there, but all I'm saying is this. Historically, we've not been wild fans of the Jews yet. They graduate. Do you guys want to guess at the rate that the Jews graduate high school?

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm gonna venture to say 98.

[Adam Carolla]

Not bad. Gina.

[Gina Grad]

I'm gonna say 89. Conservative.

[Adam Carolla]

Solid. Brian.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Somewhere around there.

[Adam Carolla]

89. 89.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It's three on the board. I saw it.

[Adam Carolla]

97. Oh, 97. That's right. And the Asians love the Jews. Asians.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Asians. Somewhere around 86%. Sorry, sorry. By the way, I got the super condescending. I got the super condescending Jew, you know, I got Matt the porcelain punishers from the tribe. And he gave me. I think he gave me the 97%. And then he paused and he said. He said, that's just 3%. I said, don't fucking talk down to me. Chew, boy. I can do the math. I may have been a ceramics major, but I can do the math between 97 and 100. Geez. So proud of his tribe.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Then you pause and you're like, it's three, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The point is this. Look. Oh, well, who am I to talk about this? I'm a white guy. Well, look, who am I to fucking talk about anything? There's a problem. Are we not allowed to talk about problems because you don't share the same skin color as the other girl?

[Ray Oldhafer]

You're a white guy who didn't go to college. Really? You're a white guy who barely graduated high school. You're a white guy. You know, what was your GPA?

[Adam Carolla]

1.7, but.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And you got a pocket diploma.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I didn't get my full diploma. But if you back out my six A's for playing baseball and football every semester back six A's, out of that 1.7 GPA, I think you're down to maybe point eight or nine.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, there's 0.08 in your GPA.

[Adam Carolla]

I was number. I was number four, 97 out of a class of five hundred and seventy. And at least 55 of those people dropped out. Right? Right. There's no way.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, they were Amelia Earden. Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so here's the point. Black leaders and black reporters. When you're asked what the problem is, maybe citing hunger isn't going to be the best road to repair. Why don't you cite the truth? You know what it is? Whitey can't do it. We're all scared shitless. Everyone's a fucking coward. No one wants to be called a racist. No one wants to fucking step up and tell the truth. By the way, are we doing these young black men any favor by saying hunger and lack of counselors and poverty and crime as the excuse for why they're not getting an education? Or do we want to. To get to the problem? What if it was a physical problem? What if it was just half the black males have this physical ailment? Should we go ahead and cite a whole bunch of fucking medical mumbo jumbo that doesn't get us any closer to healing this problem? It's retarded. I don't understand. It's the ultimate racism. These people are dying in the streets. They're rotting in prisons. They're having horrible poverty, fucking filled lives. And nobody wants to say, again. Play modeling. Once again, let her explain to us. And you can skip ahead a little. This is a reporter for the Chicago Sun Times explaining why the young, the urban community is not doing well in school. Not ever mentioning. Ever mentioning the parents, not ever mentioning the family. The Chicago Teachers Union took a stand. They said no. They said, we are not going to comply with criteria that allows teachers to be dismissed without an opportunity to improve. And we are not going to be the scapegoats for public school education, not when there are so many other factors that play into the performance of children, particularly in urban education. Poverty, crime, hunger, lack of social workers, et cetera, et cetera. Hey, bitch, you're a reporter. How about your fucking report? I'll address all those. Intact family, intact Mommy and Daddy. Guess what? The crime goes away. Intact Mommy and Daddy. Poverty cut into intact Mommy and Daddy. Hunger cut into substantially intact mommy and Daddy. Daddy stays around and raises Junior. We don't need the counselor, so. So et cetera is the thing we need to focus on, not the hunger. Yes.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Ray Madelan's other job is a substitute teacher. Duh. That's how she subsidizes her income.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Really? How about leaving the jokes to Adam? That's what you're trying to fucking put in with?

[Ray Oldhafer]

That's my job.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So the Black Caucus can talk about getting more money and getting more money at the federal level and at the state level to cure what? And how much money have you already gotten and what's it doing and how come there's certain groups, groups that don't require any money. There's Eastern Indians come here. They ain't fucking loaded. There's plenty of Jews that have come to this country. Every single group that has come to this country has come to this country broke. But they focus on family and they focus on education, and they pull themselves out of poverty. Now, we could look the other way with the Latino kids and the black kids, but that's not helping them. That's hurting them. So you're negligent. You're not doing your job. You're a doctor. If somebody has cancer, you can't go, oh, shit, don't look, they have cancer. But I don't want to say anything because I don't want to get him pissed at me. And the guy's black. So he's going to call me a racist. No. You say, you have cancer, let's treat it.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I should have done that when I was diagnosed. That's right, you fucking racist.

[Gina Grad]

And that.

[Adam Carolla]

Take it back.

[Gina Grad]

And that's exactly the thing because. Exactly what you're saying. Not only is this your problem, but we're going the extra mile and saying. But you're taking. You know, you're too weak to hear the truth.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And you're making it generational, too. You're handing it to the next generation, of course. You know. So it's going to be Pete and Repeat. And how's that going for you? Not going well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Two guys we played football with at North Hollywood High, by the way. Pete and repeat, black brothers. And Ray. I'm glad you're here because I've told the story more than once, but I've left out. Always left out a couple of white guys, which is North Hollywood High. When we went there, blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Asians.

[Ray Oldhafer]

We had a melody pot.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, white trash everybody.

[Ray Oldhafer]

We did.

[Adam Carolla]

Magically, Jews all went off to Stanford and Cal.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Stanford, Cal and Ivy League, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. That's where all our Jewish friends. Oh, magically, their parents were all still together. And magically, they did their homework, they did their SATs, and they did everything.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Magically, they turned out to be really fine.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not an ethnic thing. Cause the brothers went back to South Central, the Mexicans went back to Sun Valley, and me and Ray went to cleaning carpets. Now, it's not a.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Hold on, let me wipe my teardrop.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the color of your skin. Ray and I had honorary black parents and they. I should bestow my dad with an award. I don't know if you got your senior afri. They didn't give a shit. So we didn't do homework. So Ray fucked around. And Ray's entire. I'd say, well, let's see. You would hang out with our. We'd hang out with our Jewish friends and you would beg them to buy you hamburgers and you would pee on them when they drove you home.

[Ray Oldhafer]

We hung out with rich kids. We did. I mean, but we were accepted.

[Adam Carolla]

We were moochers.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We mooched stuff off the Jewish kids.

[Ray Oldhafer]

We'd pee on them.

[Adam Carolla]

You bring up a good point, by the way. Our buddy Alex is now an attorney. Jewish guy takes Ray out, buys him a double king cheese at Fat Burger and Fries. Then on the way home, Ray pees on him in his vw. Rap it. And Then Alex pulls over and yells, get out of the car. And Ray yells, what for?

[Ray Oldhafer]

I need a ride home.

[Gina Grad]

You pissed. Not only on him, but on the interior of his car.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, he was in the car. He was in the car.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe he was just pissed because now he's.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Because he was literally pissed because he

[Gina Grad]

was pissed and everything in his car was pissed on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's me.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Listen, I couldn't help myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Get rid of the picture, because Alex Arado's in the. In a. In an outfit that you can't read. I was cute. All right, so now you go, well, what about money? What about poverty? Well, you know what? We went to high school with a handful of folks that were white trash from the Valley. Chris H. You remember, played on the football team. Single mom, lived in a shitty apartment down on, like, Sherman Way or whatever. He went to the Air Force Academy. Our buddy Zeb went to UCLA and then went to Cal. Single mom, lived in a crappy apartment, got a couple of grants. I mean, they worked their tails off. They did the paperwork, they filed stuff. They got loans. They got probably a little scholarship help or something like that, whatever was available.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Grants and such.

[Adam Carolla]

They took the sats and they went off. It had nothing to do with their. It had nothing to do with poverty. They got the grades. Then they went off to, like I said, the Air Force Academy and Cal and UCLA and Cal and there's many others. We went.

[Ray Oldhafer]

A couple of white tracks kids that we went to school with did, you know, fared rather well, I mean, considering that they were raised by a single mom and such.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, they focus. So the point is this. The government is not going to do anything but fuck things up. And black folks, if you're waiting, keep waiting. Because there ain't enough money to throw at this problem. There's not enough money to throw at the problem of dads. Leave. It does not matter. We just will never collect that kind of tax revenue. We're never going to get past 50% if pops leaving. On the other hand, if Pops hangs out and helps you do your homework, then you don't need a penny. So why do we focus on everything but the one thing that will cure the problem? Well, politicians are cowards and hypocrites. And these people make their living off the fact that these people are graduating at such an abysmal percentile. So can somebody step up and can somebody talk about it? And by the way, modeling. You're not a reporter if you're not reporting the truth. And that's the Truth. And I love the fact that you peel off four that are neither here nor there. Hunger. Oh, please. And by the way, how long are you gonna fucking play that card where whitey just sits around and goes, yeah, they're hungry. They can't. They can't. They're too wavy. They can't push a number two pencil.

[Gina Grad]

Shut Ticonderoga.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus fucking Christ, Please, somebody talk about the fucking truth. Hunger, poverty, crime, lack of counselors, etc. Yeah, focus on the truth, baby. All right. And again, brothers, let's go. I can't be the only guy talking about this.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And by the way, 15 years ago, probably the same exact story came out.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Out.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It's generational. If you go back in the archive 15 years, boom, you'll see the same fucking exact story. Yeah, it's like Pete and repeat. Stop it, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, who else has got some story? You're just talking about Wood. All right, I'm gonna be at the. Actually, we're gonna do a live podcast. Crowne Plaza, Hotel Ventura. Coming up next Wednesday, September 26th. Right. Are you trying to get my attention?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, I just bought. I bought 10 tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

You bought 10 tickets?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, I sure the fuck did. You bought 10 tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

All my brothers are going, holy shit.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yup. Congratulations, Pete, Repeat, Pete, repeat. And again and again.

[Adam Carolla]

Rob, Rich, Ray and Ronnie are all going. And by the way, you do know when I met Jimmy. I've told the story a thousand times, but when I met Jimmy, I was laughing with him about what a jack off my buddy Ray is because he's got one of those stupid fucking families where he's got Rob and Ray and Rich and Ro and all the brothers with a stupid R. And he said, yeah, I'll tell that to my brother John and my sister Jill and my dad Jim and my mom Joan.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And I said, now he owns abc.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't mean retard, retard. I meant retard, genius. I don't know about that.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But, yeah. So, you know, you do share something with the Kimmels.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Ah, more than just.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, it's hard to scientifically now figure out because the Kimmels and the old Hoffers are at either end of the sort of success laps, you know what I mean? Yeah. Ray's family's the part that's sort of in the dirt just a little bit. Not the first rung, but a little bit just below the grasshopper yet. Well, it's like. It's like when the lawn's a little bit soggy and it starts pushing in a little bit. And then Jimmy's family is like that big rubber padded boot that you put on the top so you don't scratch up the stucco.

[Ray Oldhafer]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Ray. All right, where were we? You bought 10 tickets. Really?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We would have given you 10 tickets.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, really? Yeah. I talked to your buddy, Mike August. I tried to get him.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

He was like, buy him?

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, Nick Snay.

[Adam Carolla]

He wouldn't give.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Well, listen, he gave me four. I got a bunch of people coming.

[Adam Carolla]

He gave you four, you bought six?

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, bought ten.

[Adam Carolla]

Ten?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, absolutely. You're worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, thanks, buddy. You are Rich and Ron and Rob and Rob will all be there.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'll be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You are going to get heck no.

[Adam Carolla]

Rob, Ray, Ron, Rich, Ray, fucking listen, you should pay for every second of Rich's therapy his younger brother because all you did was torment that poor kid.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I really didn't though.

[Adam Carolla]

He would.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'd make him clean up afterwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray would walk into the kitchen. His mom, you do your mom. You do your mom's. Ray would walk into the kitchen at noon.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Raymond, this is your.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Ray would walk in the kitchen at noon, Go, mom, make me a bunch of pancakes. And then mom would say, oh, we need some sandwiches. Mom would say, with the pancakes, what

[Ray Oldhafer]

kind do you want?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit, Right? You're such a fucking idiot. Your fucking mom would tell you, no, kitchen's closed. It's not a restaurant.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And I'd say, well, come on, Ma. And I'd make her do it. She'd do it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you would spit on Ronnie's.

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, that's not the way I was with you. I would spit on their food.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course I would.

[Ray Oldhafer]

That was my job. I needed to eat.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's how the story went. We better change this. We walk into the kitchen.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Aren't you late for your groundlings class?

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna say this.

[Adam Carolla]

We would walk into the kitchen, It'd be like 11:30 in the morning, and you tell mom to make you a bunch of pancakes. Mom would yell, kitchen's closed. Yeah, that's right. And then you'd slide Rich as pancakes across to you, spit on him, he'd start screaming. And then she would start making more pancake mix for him and fucking cuss out and we got to eat. That's how the story went, right?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Or then you would go like, hey, Ma, alright, fine, kitchen's closed. Make me a sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She would fucking tell you.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, just cold foods and sandwiches right now.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what Happened with Ray.

[Ray Oldhafer]

My mom was a champ.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what happened to Ray. You really. Your life could be summed up with your mom making you that sandwich. That was the problem.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Problem.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Now, where were we? Home improvement questions. How are we going to do that? Oh, Weird Al is coming out. Weird Al is going to be on stage with us at the Crowne Plaza Hotel.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Very influential.

[Ray Oldhafer]

My family will enjoy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead, Brian.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Very influential in young bald Brian's life.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Love that weird algorithm. Had the cassettes.

[Gina Grad]

What was your favorite song?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Even worse. Well, even worse was the album I had on cassette, Lasagna.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, you like how song is about food?

[Adam Carolla]

I would like you to find Ayatollah because you remember my bologna or whatever it was. But I'm telling you, there was an Iotola before there was a My Bellona. Maybe it wasn't even Weird Al. We'll try to find it out. It was definitely a Dr. Demento. Classic. All right, where were we? Yeah. All right, Shelley, do let me give a little love to Evoice here. And then Ray, home improvement questions.

[Ray Oldhafer]

We'll do that. Hold on. My mom's making pancakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Add Corolla. You don't know how that story goes. Ray with the pancakes by now, huh? Okay, right. Watch. You spit on your brother's pancakes.

[Gina Grad]

Was Ray a big drug taker? Recreational drug?

[Adam Carolla]

No, unfortunately. No, no. Ray drank quite a bit.

[Gina Grad]

Well, that'll do it, too, matter of fact.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Ray drank. Oh. Steve Dahl did the parody song ayatollah in 1979. So it wasn't Weird Al. I've seen people take a tumbler of, like, Bacardi 151. Like a glass with no ice in it. Bacardi 151. Just like the glass. You're holding up one of my worst ice. Hold it up. Let me see that.

[Gina Grad]

This is a tumbler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a tumb. And pour about that much Bacardi 151 into it.

[Gina Grad]

That's too much.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking about it. We're Talking about about 5, 6 inches of it in a tumbler. I'm not talking about doing, like, a shot or double shot. I'm talking about multiple chugs.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

That's 2/3 of a pint glass.

[Adam Carolla]

Like if somebody. Yeah, like if somebody took. Somebody took a beer, poured three quarters of it into a cup and just yelled.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Just saying,

[Adam Carolla]

ray, am I black and wearing a koofie? And where we are in the interruption?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you standing behind me? Why are you interrupting me? Shut up. You do not interrupt me.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like somebody took a beer, poured three quarters of it into a cup and then just chugged it. Except for it was Bacardi 151. That's what Ray would do.

[Gina Grad]

And that was your drink, huh? Bacardi?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was just that I found him my shrub.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Later on. Tucked him into my tub. My whole thing is like, if you're gonna vomit, you're vomiting in a tub.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Shrub.

[Gina Grad]

Something you can rinse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Mm.

[Ray Oldhafer]

All right, so what about those home improvement questions?

[Adam Carolla]

Evoice, Baby E voice. They got call recording. Just press star two. Yeah, that's right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Ray calls, you don't want to talk to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

But you want the message.

[Adam Carolla]

You want the message, you can record it. Well, you can get the message, by the way, and you can have it converted into a text or an email. God bless Evoice. Toll free numbers, call forwarding, hold music, add Corolla and voicemail to tax. As I said, for your free, free six months free. By the way, you can record incoming or outgoing calls. I like that. Free for six months. Try it for free. Www.evoice.com Adam. Or you can click on the eVoice banner at www.adamcarolla.com eVoice. Your mobile phone at work. Alright, so should we do a little. We got a little intro here. Here, let's play.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Taking calls.

[Adam Carolla]

Home improvement tips straight from the Ace man's lips to those in need. They cover it all, A to Z, roof to basement and in between,

[Gina Grad]

raise

[Adam Carolla]

on the ladder and Ace got the hammer. It's Ace on the house. Hey, tell me if this makes me a bad dad, but I'm going to Coronado. I'm going racing this weekend at the Coronado race. Which is cool, it's on the naval base there and all that kind of stuff. It's I think, what do they call it, Fleet week over there? Anyway, really cool, all that stuff. I thought I'd bring my son with me and do one of those like solo man vacation things, father son things, and go do the race and all that kind of stuff.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Cross swords and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, roll the family tradition. That's right. Couple last couple times we did it ago, we stayed at the. The hotel. Hotel del Coronado. Very nice.

[Ray Oldhafer]

That boy's gonna be a seal.

[Adam Carolla]

And they did this whole. Yeah, fucking fur seal, not Navy Eskimo. Beating the shit out of it with a fucking fungo bat. Anyway, he. Last time we did this thing where you Get a campfire and you, like, make s' mores on the beach kind of thing. Sounds awesome, but it's really like. It's one of those things that sounds awesome. Like, for, you know, 80 bucks, they'll set you up with some graham crackers and some chocolate chip, you know, some chocolate bars and some s'. Mores, and they put a little pot of thing. And you get the fire going, and you put the towel down. And to a chick, it sounds like the greatest thing in the world, but you sit down and the wind's blowing a little, and you got sand in your ass. And then somehow every bite has just a little bit of sand in the thing. And you're trying to cook the thing over the campfire. And it's like I said, there's more shit in your ass. And at a certain point, you're kind of like, let's go back in and watch SportsCenter. Because it's like, it sounds awesome, but you're sitting in the sand and you're getting sand caught up in the marshmallows and all that shit.

[Gina Grad]

They just don't care, do they?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but dad does. This year, I was like, we're gonna go eat some Chinese food and then go back to the hotel room and you can watch daddy watching tv. And my wife plants the whole s' mores thing. Sonny comes home today with the, hey, we're going on the beach. We're doing the s'.

[Gina Grad]

Mores.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, where'd you get that idea? Mommy?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mommy should have minded her own fucking beeswax.

[Gina Grad]

And you can't tell him how much you hate it.

[Adam Carolla]

The s' mores machine is broken. They're out of stock.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Sticks.

[Gina Grad]

You mean the fire's broken?

[Adam Carolla]

They have no fire. We're out of fire.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There's a fire at the s' mores factory, actually. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Span of fire. Yeah, it was delectable. Yeah, that's right. So.

[Gina Grad]

But he's going to look back and think that those are the best moments of his life when he was cooking s' mores on the beach with you. And you can't tell him how much you hate it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? I just. I don't like the sand. Sand and marshmallows is tough. That's tough. Like, I can do sand and beer because I can't do that.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It's even tougher about marshmallows. What happened to your cheek?

[Gina Grad]

Oh,

[Adam Carolla]

what happened? Story's been told before, as they've all been told. But, Ray, please back me up and tell Me, if I'm using any hyperbole here. Do you know where we were?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Your next door neighbor Adam's house?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We were babysitting.

[Ray Oldhafer]

If I knew his last name, I'd say it.

[Adam Carolla]

We were babysitting my next door neighbor and I used to call Ray over when I was about 12 or 13 and I was babysitting. And it was a great babysitting gig because I got a whole dollar an ounce. And the kid was asleep half the time when I got there. Like, they put the kid to sleep at a. At 7. I'd show up at 7:30, like, he's just asleep. And I just watched a fucking Love Boat and Fancy island and fucking Dantana. Someone's killing Showgirl on tv.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Or Z. Z Channel. Remember? They had that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this predates that. We didn't have that. Why are you interrupting me? Right? Did you watch. You ever watch any cable tv? Over there. There.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm just, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't watch it? No, we watched. Okay, just go ahead. I'm painting a picture here. You paint it quicker. I'm talking about. We didn't have on.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember the massaging recliners we had? Go, go, go. No, we didn't have them. We had ABC Friday night up. We did not have ZTV or on tv. That was. That was years later.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, fucking young.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So Ray and I ate a lot. That was our love. That was our shared love. And I decided we should have a little cookout, a little campout in the kitchen since the kid was asleep and no one was coming home till midnight. And we went and found marshmallows, and we got some skewers and we put them through and we were roasting them on the stove. And I had one that was completely engaged. I mean, it was burning and, like, making noise, like popping noises and stuff. It was sizzling, caramelizing. And I. Yes. And I was holding it up. It was clear I wasn't gonna eat it anymore because it was completely charred, but it was burning like a torch. And I said, look, everybody, it is the great Corolla, the greatest fire eater of them all. And I did this mock move where I leaned back and I started, you know, doing this thing where I was getting. And Ray whacked my elbow. And the flaming marshmallow cleaved, clung.

[Gina Grad]

In twain.

[Adam Carolla]

In twain. Seared, seared to the side of my cheek. You guys don't not. I'm not sure if you know what pain is if you took a marshmallow. That's Fully engulfed, inflamed.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, it's as viscous sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

And just stuck it to the side of your lily white 12 year old face.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What's the matter?

[Adam Carolla]

And then the next day, is everyone like, what do you got herpes? I wish. Fucking wish at least. Means I would have made out somebody. They didn't invent herpes.

[Gina Grad]

And that's the difference between men and women. You guys are still friends. The girl would have moved away. Her family would have taken her to a new school. They would have sued the other girl.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't even. I thought it was. I thought it was funny. Right?

[Ray Oldhafer]

It was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

No, right now you're not friends with the girl, by the way. You don't get to rape her.

[Gina Grad]

That pretty much ends the friendship.

[Ray Oldhafer]

By the way. I bought 10 tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Ray, do you have a. You gotta. You gotta get a little love. You got a sponsor here?

[Ray Oldhafer]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, maybe, maybe.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You know who this segment's sponsored by, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. But you do.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I do. MaximaStyle.com.

[Adam Carolla]

that's right.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Best known for their energy saving LED light bulbs like the ones Adam uses on his house. Go visit M A X X I M A style dot com.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what we're yelling about. Maxima style. Yeah, good guys, good. Sponsors and led, baby. Way to go. All right.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Especially for outdoor.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody got the DTR party. Ray hates us. But Gina, at a certain point, we had to have parties that were designated. Don't tell Ray parties.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, no. He was that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was that guy. And he was two of those guys. He actually had people trained so that they would throw themselves into the swimming pool when he got to the party because they didn't want to get roughed up or their shirts torn or anything like. There's. There's two ways you could do it with Ray. He could enter throw yourself in by

[Gina Grad]

the scruff of your neck.

[Adam Carolla]

He could enter the patio and you could toss yourself into the pool because he didn't want to get the buttons ripped off your shirt or your head scuffed up or something.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm starting to sweat.

[Adam Carolla]

Because there's a version of it that involved the headlock and some swinging around. And if you struggle, it's worse. Yeah, you make it worse. That's right.

[Gina Grad]

How are you walking around free in society?

[Adam Carolla]

It's an interesting question.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And Gina, nice to meet you.

[Gina Grad]

It's very nice to see you as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, our buddy Jack just threw himself into the pool.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Gina, you Want to play the breathing game?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, good. Does the bottom of the pool smell like strawberries? Should I check it out?

[Ray Oldhafer]

It depends.

[Adam Carolla]

He announced everybody. He announced a Ray. I'm throwing myself in the pool. I'm throwing myself in the pool. He kicked off his leather loafers. He pulled his leather wallet out of his pocket, threw it on the patio furniture, and he said, now I throw myself in the pool. And he threw himself in the pool. And second he hit the water, in went his leather shoes and his wallet right behind him.

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, no, no, not behind him. I floated them on the pool.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And then I cast them out and a cannonball on top of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it right. Either way.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way. You cannot escape Ray. So we ended up having parties that were called DTR parties. And now there's a shirt called Don't Tell Ray. And they got the book and the shirt package, and there's a chapter in my book dedicated to Ray. And so we got the T shirt and the book, and it's autographed by Ray. So tomorrow? Yeah, Ace, man. Get it on. What's going on, my brother? Oh, not too much. We got the Don't Tell Ray party pack today. All right? Got one for me and got one for my little brother down in Texas. So I'm spoiling his Christmas present because he's gonna know it's me. Ah, thanks, baby.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Love it.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm gonna wear it proudly tomorrow to my daughter's Catholic school. Limited. Limited edition, by the way. Only. Only two. Only 200. Only 250. Don't tell Ray party hats. It's Picture Ray with a party hat on. And I'll tell you Astan. I ordered it Monday. Got it today. Love you, baby.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm just seeing Mexican at Home Depot wearing it in a month.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Tom. Appreciate it. Yeah, right. The idea that we actually had a whole genre of party dedicated to you not attending.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Listen, it wasn't that. It was a combination of Snake and. Which was a bad combo, you got to admit. So either one or the other would go, and then one of the other would tell.

[Adam Carolla]

The party wasn't called don't tell Snake. That was another friend. It was called Don't Tell Ray. The party work. DTR parties.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You know the real story, all right? So calm down.

[Gina Grad]

Although, if it was.

[Ray Oldhafer]

And by the way, how many did I miss? Zero.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? You don't know how many you missed, okay?

[Ray Oldhafer]

You didn't get laid on any of them. I know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Gina Grad]

If it wasn't. If I wasn't the. The source of Ray's anger. I would have loved to watch it, though. I would have loved to see somebody else get tortured.

[Adam Carolla]

It was fun. We would have just made out.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but he's an attractive man. I'll give him that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, here's the thing. Here's the problem, Gina. You think you escaped Ray except for the cake that you guys were all gonna enjoy.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

You guys were gonna enjoy some cake later on that night. Ray woulda put his fist into it, and then his fist into me, and then possibly his fist into you, and then the shit. And then the shampoo bottle that you're

[Gina Grad]

gonna use right into me.

[Adam Carolla]

He may have peed my. Peed in the shampoo bottle that you may have used later on.

[Ray Oldhafer]

So we'll talk about later.

[Gina Grad]

Right into me.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, you think you've avoided Ray successfully. You have not avoided Ray successfully.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It lingers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Ray lingers. All right, let's see. Someone wants to replace an oven. Let's see. Tracy. Yeah, this is Tracy. What's going on, Tracy? Okay, so this is the thing. My oven is about 25 years old in my apartment, and I want to make my landlord believe that it's broken without actually breaking it. Without causing a gas leak and having my building explode and killing all the children. Right. You want it replaced? It doesn't really need to be replaced. He's not going to replace it.

[Gina Grad]

Right, yeah.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It sounds like Fight Club.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. So what you need is some repairman who's basically, you know, well, he's gonna send my super. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's New York. Yeah. Gotta send that super. Gonna send my super. My super. You know, he breaks a lot of balls, and he's gonna look at it and he's gonna. Yeah, he doesn't want to do any extra work, so he's not gonna want to replace it. He's just gonna tell, you know, the guy, it's fine.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

And how many you say? 20.

[Gina Grad]

It's gotta be 25 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what to do. I'll tell you what to do. I would get an independ, independent opinion or two on this, because dudes will come out. Like, you'll just open the phone book and guys will come out, right? And you'll go, listen, I know the super says we can just use it for another five years, but you know what? I think he has an agenda, which is not spending your money. And I'm worried about my kids. And Safety and things like that. And you should be too. If this thing leaks gas or blows up or whatever, I don't really care. I don't have any kids. Quiet. I got a plan. Alright? The upstairs kids, the retarded kid upstairs. Upstairs.

[Bill Maher]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That fucking shit. The point is this. You had a couple of licensed and bonded guys come out, you had them look at the oven and they both agreed it needed to be replaced. And here's the written whatever. And by the way, if something happens, this written whatever is not going to look good. Knowing that it was on, it was basically documented and on record. So your guy, I believe, has an Egyptian. These two independent guys don't have an agenda. Except for they do have an agenda. They want to sell you a new oven. But that's the way you get what's gonna happen when my super comes in my apartment and turns my oven on?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Didn't Adam tell you? Be quiet and listen to the story.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen. Didn't I tell you how this was gonna work? You're right.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You're right.

[Bill Maher]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I explained it clearly. Get two guys, they're gonna come in, they're both gonna want to sell you a new unit. They're gonna write it up and they're gonna give you a quote and they're gonna write it up. And then you are gonna say, these are two independent people. Dudes. Your super is on. He's on your dime and he has an agenda. Okay, all right, all right. I would like not to go on, though. I understand that part where you want to vandalize your oven. Right, Ray? Remember when we used to clean carpets?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember when you didn't want to clean carpets?

[Ray Oldhafer]

I broke the machine.

[Adam Carolla]

You break the machine?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You get Ray over there to break it for you.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You know what you do? You tie the cord around your waist and you start a gallop. And then everyone, hey, Tracy, I'm trying to help you out.

[Adam Carolla]

Now tie it around your neck and start running. And jump out the window could work too. Tracy, what are you doing over there in New York all single and everything? Well, I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm just hanging out.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It's 10:30.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to break my oven over here. What are you. What are you. What are you doing? First off, I like the idea. I just. First of, I. I am smitten with the idea that you're very into your oven. Cause I feel like I am.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Do you cook?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like chicks don't.

[Gina Grad]

I do.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I cook.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to culinary school.

[Gina Grad]

I cook a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I feel like most chicks keep their shoes in the oven now.

[Gina Grad]

Sweaters.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Wait, are you hot and cook?

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette calls it the box that has fire in it.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I said, are you hot and cook?

[Adam Carolla]

I am hot and I cook. Really? Yeah.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I don't know if I'm buying that.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you can look at me on Twitter. Are you. So you're single, you're good looking, and you like baking.

[Gina Grad]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Because Ray is horny and has a fast metabolism.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, that.

[Ray Oldhafer]

That's done and done. Mm. I'm coming over.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you guys could hook up. Yeah, yeah, come right over. I'm in Queens, though. I'm not in Manhattan, so there's still some Los Angeles. What's your Twitter handle? We'll pull you up. Trixie Tuzini. Trixie Tuzini. Ah, that's. Hey, everybody.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, most times a lot of these

[Adam Carolla]

gals use pseudonyms or gnome to plumes or. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Where's Chim Chim and Spritele?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. They use fake names.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, when you got. Ah, Jesus Christ. This one's name. This bitch's name is Trixie. So we're just gonna call her Sharon. Ah, shit. Jade.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Stage four.

[Adam Carolla]

Stage four, Jade. Wow.

[Ray Oldhafer]

How's that going?

[Gina Grad]

Are you one of those? It's like T R A, C, Y Toozini, like it sounds. It's T, R, I, X, I, E. Oh, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. T, U, Z, Z, I, N, I. Mike Lynch's daughter's name is Trixie. That's why he's disgusted by this. Hey, everybody, don't let my dad spill fully.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I look good in underpants.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, wait a minute. She's coming to the stage, her pops and assistant rider back at Kibbles.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where were we? Oh, hold on.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Push it down.

[Adam Carolla]

Little nose stud there.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Do I have a nose?

[Adam Carolla]

Pouty lips. Well done. Well done, brows. Ray, you could get behind that, couldn't you?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Not in front of it. Oh, I'm just kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you bake?

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, you're pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you bake? What's your thing? Yeah, whatever.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything. You bake everything.

[Gina Grad]

Lamb.

[Adam Carolla]

I made lamb in the broiler and I don't want to clean the oven. Oh, man. That's why I'm trying to get the new oven lamb for one. Depressing.

[Gina Grad]

You know, she looks like a cross between. And I mean this as a total compliment, she looks like a cross between a young Liz Taylor and Snooki.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Mm, yeah, right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I'll take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Do you pencil in your brows?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. No, not at all.

[Gina Grad]

Great brows.

[Adam Carolla]

There's great brows. Those are white waxed. What are you talking about? No, no, no, they're threaded.

[Gina Grad]

They're threaded. Very painful.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Duh.

[Adam Carolla]

How's the threading work? Oh, God, it's terrible. What's it do? Tie a string around each hair and pull it out of your face. Yeah, each hair. Oh my God.

[Ray Oldhafer]

They do the. It's like dental floss.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but it's so fast. It's like a little weed chopper.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Somebody asked me if I shaved my junk on stage the other night and I told them, you paid me 20 bucks to shave my ass once.

[Ray Oldhafer]

No, I did it for.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's what I'm saying. But no, you paid. No, you paid me $20 like in like 1989 to shave you.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah. Cause you had to go out looking good, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

You paid me, Ray. Yeah, okay, so wasn't cause I had a date, Ray. It's cause you paid me to shave my ass.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You had a bunch of. Hey, I shaved Dave Craven too and had to pay him a hundred bucks.

[Gina Grad]

Are you talking the cheek or the inside?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, Dave. I mean, Dave.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a woman here in New York that will wax you. We had a party called Shave Dave and Ray paid Dave $100 and he stood in his driveway.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Don't shave those down, Ray. Hose him down. And shaved him. And I got a bunch of Asian girls that shaved him with razors. It was absolutely fantastic.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, I've learned a lot about home improvement from this side.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Wait, who's this?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? You didn't get a bunch of Asian girls. You had poor women who lived in the building who were coming back from the market who you made stop and shave Dave.

[Ray Oldhafer]

They were Asian. Then downstairs. All right, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's get to our next question. Robbed a couple months ago. Talk to.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Oh, Trixie. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Trixie. Owen. Hey, what's going on, Ace, man, What happened? You were robbed? Yeah, a couple nights ago, actually. 100 year old house, kicked in the back door. Were you home when they kicked in the door?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, I was at work.

[Adam Carolla]

I actually had an alarm.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It called me up at work and had to head home and police were there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Must not be calling. Yeah, you're calling from St. Louis. Because in LA, police wouldn't be there. Like LA. It's like 911.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What did you say robbed? Were you tied up or anything weird?

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, he came home from work and the police were there. So unless he was tied up at work as a sort of preemptive strike

[Ray Oldhafer]

fantasy about catching somebody. I want to get robbed.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a weird reality of not listening when people are talking. He said he came home from work and the cops were there. Do you think the cops tied him up?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Say again?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Who needs you for me right now? Let's go ahead and get in this chair so we can zip tie you.

[Gina Grad]

I'll tie you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead and put this guy.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Don't you have another fucking guest coming in?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. Thank fucking Christ.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Please.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. Anyway, thanks, Brian. What'd they do? Hit you with an ether rag and throw you in the trunk?

[Ray Oldhafer]

You know what, Adam?

[Gina Grad]

Does it smell like chloroform to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, listen, Ray, listen. He said he came home.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, I got it the ninth time.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Anyway, they kicked in the door. I'm some pancakes for you. And by the way, you know, it's not la cuz the cops were there. LA would have been like 91 1. You were robbed. Well, were you robbed or robbed? Robbed. I mean like robbed. I mean like you know your name, pistol whipped robbed or someone just stole your shit. Because if someone just stole your shit, we're not coming out. And by the way, I like.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What's your last.

[Adam Carolla]

They start the lowering of the expectations. Like don't expect to get any of this stuff back. Thank you. You make fine detectives. Sorry, go ahead. They took a TV and everything, but

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

either way it was a. It was a just like an oak pine door. And I was wondering if I replaced

[Adam Carolla]

it with some hard, harder like oak or something.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

If that would be a better idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Go with a solid core. It's an exterior door.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

So it should be an inch and three quarters. Sometimes those back doors are an inch and three eight. They use the thin shit in the back.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Okay.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Sometimes they're metal clad. If you have to have a fire door.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, not sometimes, but you can get a metal clad one. The old one wasn't metal clad. The new one can be. Do you care what it looks like?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, I like it to look with the house.

[Adam Carolla]

The house is 100 years old.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

The jam held but the door exploded.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's usually the other way around. It's hard. Look, here's the deal. Just make sure it's an exterior door. Inch and three quarter thick on a four inch hinge. I'll bet you that one was an inch and three eight thick. Are you at home now?

[Bill Maher]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you measure what's left of your door? Yeah, I'm actually taking a measurement right now. You are? Yeah, I'm actually downstairs at the door. Tell me if the hinges are three and a half inches or four and how many holes.

[Ray Oldhafer]

How many holes in the hinges?

[Adam Carolla]

Four inch. Then you had an inch and three quarter door.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you do. I know that because you have a 4 inch hinge. All right, so you did have one and they kicked in an exterior door.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

My hunch was incorrect. So here's the deal. Do you own the house or you're renting? No, this is my house. Okay, so you want something that looks nice. Look, get a new. The hinge knuckles are on the inside, right. So you don't have to get the non removable pins. The NRP hinges.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, that's correct.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, just replace it with something heavy like you said oak that looks like of the period. And you can beef up, you can beef up the jam, not that the jam gave way, but you can do a deadbolt and you can beef up the jam with like that metal sort of half sleeve thing that goes around it. And there's ways to do that. So just replace. You got the alarm. It worked. Really? The alarm? And you know what? It was a white guy in a hoodie. Wow. Way, no way.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Where do you live? I'm moving.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It was like one of those alarm commercials, right?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I'm scared.

[Gina Grad]

May I make a suggestion for him first of all? A, go steal your neighbor's ADT sign and plant that next to your door.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Gina Grad]

B, this is another tip I heard. Go to a Goodwill or a Salvation army and find the biggest, oldest, dirtiest work boots you can find. Like size like 15. Plant those right next to the door and you'll be just fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You know what I do? I leave my fucking door ajar. Come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, Come get some. I love it. Yeah. I like the boots idea.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, real quick. Frank from Philly.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Hey, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Toilet sounds like it's running all the time. Yeah, we got a ballcock situation.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah, you got a ballcock.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's sing Toilets wear Out. And the hair master, you can go get it. New setup. And they're like, I don't know, 9.99. Home Depot. Replace the whole thing. Get a more modern setup. Pull the lid off the tank, shut the water off with the angle, stop down at the bottom on the floor there and just swap it out. Ain't no big deal.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Really easy.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's got to be done. Yeah, it's 10 bucks got to be done, you know, and you almost do it all by hand or pretty much.

[Ray Oldhafer]

You should be able to. Pretty much everything should be finger tight. But if it's super old school, get a couple of pairs of channel locks and dikes and whatever you need to to get to get the rest off.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Somebody said, somebody said. Yeah, Balcock and Dykes all in the same sentence. All the outlets in the house were installed upside down. Wants to know why.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Because your electrician's a retarded guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say. Usually they fuck up the first one and then it's just a chain of retardation. It's Domino Domitards. So that's it. You leave them alone though, you know, I mean, you can fix, you can flip them over, you just unscrew the two screws, you know, take the plate off, off and flip it around if you want. Ain't no big deal.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Just make sure it doesn't arc and then make sure when you put it back, use electrical tape around the outside so you don't arc.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't get that arc because it's got the metal screws on it. All right, Ray, you've done a yeoman's job.

[Ray Oldhafer]

What does that mean? You want me to leave?

[Adam Carolla]

Is a yeoman a really shitty sailor?

[Ray Oldhafer]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Ray. Something you're lucky nobody had. But back in the day. Legal Zoom. Oh man, what a section for.

[Ray Oldhafer]

But you know what? Legal Zoom. Wait a minute, wait. We gotta thank Maxima first.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank you.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Use the code, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, don't scream into the mic.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I want to go ahead for additional savings. Adam, 80am I'm unable to control the

[Adam Carolla]

pitch or volume of my voice. That's Maxima style.

[Ray Oldhafer]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Legal Zoom. Gotta protect your family, your future.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

They have a tab that says Just Ray. Problems, question mark? Question mark.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Planning, insurance, he's a comedy of fucking animals, etc. I think it's funny. Real peace of mind. Yes. You need to be legally protected and you can do it affordably with legalzoom.com wills.

[Ray Oldhafer]

I gotta pee.

[Adam Carolla]

Powers of attorney, living Trusts and more. LegalZoom, baby. You can form an LLC, incorporate, register trademarks, whatever, pass patents, more. They do it all. LegalZoom.com Protect your family and business today at LegalZoom.com LegalZoom is not a law firm, but you can use it to find an attorney and get self help services at your specific direction. For more savings, enter Adam in the referral box@checkout legalzoom.com. all right. Our good friend Jay Chandrasekhar. You know him? Super Troopers Beer Fest. Oh, Duke's a hazard. I forgot about that.

[Gina Grad]

That

[Adam Carolla]

main guy in the Broken Lizard comedy team. You know those guys? Anyway, we'll bring him in next. Ray.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic job.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Love you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Love you, buddy. We'll take a quick break. Back with Jay next. Ah, Jay Chandrasekhar in studio. Probably met jay in Super 20. That's probably. Which is now. Well, I'm trying to think. Super Troopers, 13 years old.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Came out 2000, so 12. 2001. 2001.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I meant you shot it and it was.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Shot it in 99. Yeah. Oh, you were talking about shooting.

[Adam Carolla]

I did the math on shooting.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I did the post production.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Been a while.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And look at you. You look brand new.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thanks.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I mean, you know, the question we get asked most is when are we going to make a sequel? And we've written a sequel, and it's sort of tied up in this legal issue with Fox.

[Adam Carolla]

Aha.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Which if it's settled, you know, we'll be growing the mustaches again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'd be nice because everyone loves that movie.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, we can only ruin it. It make.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, look at. But let's look at it this way. There's been some cop sequels. Like Naked Gun was a cop comedy sequel. The first one was great. And everyone seemed to like the second one almost as much. I mean, may. I don't know. I mean, everyone. Everyone loves Naked Gun. Loved the first one. And they love the second one, too. So why not Super Troopers?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I agree. I love the Naked Gun. I actually also love the TV show they did called Police Squad. Yeah, I watched all six of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Six episodes. Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There's that big really tall guy.

[Gina Grad]

A banana.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's got something on his cheek. In a half a banana film.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I loved it when they would go into the lab and. And three of the guys would walk through the doors and the other guy would walk around the set. Like it would just make fun of everything there was. Because in a regular TV show, that's what they would have. They would have a flat that would be up. They'd shoot it from the side, and people would walk through the door, but obviously the fourth wall would be open and then one guy would walk around that fourth wall. There were so many jokes in those movies, and usually you get your choice between sort of corny jokes that are kind of funny, but corny. And then stuff that actually a little more intellectual and sort of works.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

Those movies worked on every level.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

For my money, the Naked Gun was the best of all of that huge genre of parody movies. There are some other great ones, including Airplane. Yeah, I liked it better than Airplane. Airplane's great. I mean, one and two, but, yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

I like better than Airplane. It's hard.

[Ray Oldhafer]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's hard. It's a matter of preference. Hard to argue with either one of them.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Airplane was the first time I saw Tit on. On film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. Oh, well, you should have seen Kentucky Fried Movie.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I didn't. You know, I only saw chunks of.

[Gina Grad]

It was the popcorn you've been eating has been pissed in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there was a lot of tits in Kentucky Fried Movie. And Kentucky Fried Movie was the original Zucker. Is it Abram Zucker?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Zucker. Abrams Zucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, Zucker. Abram Zucker. I think Kentucky Fried Movie was their first offering. And anyone who does comedy and makes movies for a living should go watch that just to see what they were doing in their infancy. And it's funny. It's sort of hit and miss, but it's got a lot of really funny stuff in it.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, it's an underrated. Entry into that whole genre from them is top secret.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Thousand.

[Gina Grad]

When Valkyr was hot, his first role.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, he was dating Cher at the time. We became friends with David Zucker out of Sundance because he saw our first film, Puddle Cruiser, and wanted to sort of present it. And he told us his story about Airplane and how he tried to get it made. And I guess it was. Michael Eisner said, you can make. What they wrote is they wrote a black and white film, and it was a propeller plane. And he said, you can make it, but it has to be a jumbo jet. Has to be in color. They said, all right. So they. So they did it. But the sound of the plane in that movie is a propeller plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's always. It's always something. Yeah, it's from the 40s or 50s, like, very Howard Hughesy. The movie, by the way, the Baby Makers, which Jay directs, is out on DVD as we speak. You can get it through Amazon for those of you who want to keep the pirate ship afloat. And God bless you all for buying the Mangria and hitting. Clicking through the Amazon banner and doing all this stuff, the books and everything, this little experiment. My dream has worked out because you guys have been supporting the show so you can get the Baby Makers, you Can get it through Amazon and you can go to AdamKroll.com and click Path. And we get a little love and you get yourself a funny movie. Aisha Tyler's in this. Constance Zimmer who was in my movie. She was in my movie the Hammer. And also, you know her from.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Who's Constance Zimmer? Oh, yeah, from Entourage. Entourage. The other agent in Entourage.

[Adam Carolla]

In my movie, she was my first girlfriend. And in Entourage, she's always like the aide, the sort of the one that Ari fucked like a hundred years ago. And he always brings it up. And she's really good. She's really good in everything. Olivia Munn is great in it. Now, Paul Schneider, is he the broken lizard?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, he's the guy from. He was in Parks and Rec for, I think, a year or two. He. He was in. You ever see that movie Lars and the Real Girl?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, I love that movie.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

He was.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard that movie was great.

[Gina Grad]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a crazy idea. And it stars Ryan Gosling.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Ryan Gosling, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And he. He marries. I mean, he starts dating a real girl. Like an inflatable fuck up. A real girl, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

They don't want to make him feel bad because he's a little mentally off, and so they say. Don't say that. It's not real. Just sort of pretend like she's real.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And it works? Yeah, it works.

[Adam Carolla]

So what is your background, Jay? What gets you. I mean, this is what gets you here. What gets your family here? What is your family? I know I've asked you this stuff before, but,

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

like, my parents are from India. Is that what you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and they came here.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

They came here in probably 64, and they met in Chicago. They're both doctors there. And they were in the ER in Cook County Hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Clooney did his thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this about India and I don't know India at all. All I know is you're either a doctor or you work in a. A sewage facility where you just pull shit out of the ground. Like, I don't feel like there's a lot of in between jobs over.

[Gina Grad]

There's a balance of power.

[Adam Carolla]

I just know it's like everyone's either a doctor or they're living in something with a corrugated tin roof.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You're talking about in the country of India?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, what other country?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

What about call centers?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Look over here, it's doctors, it's Internet, it's engineers, 7, 11. It's cab drivers. And. And that's about.

[Adam Carolla]

But what country has so many doctors and then so much crazed poverty?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, there's more.

[Adam Carolla]

At least Africa's consistent.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah. There are more Indians than any other people on the Earth. So we got a lot of everything. We got a lot of everything. I mean, we're all over the place. But, yeah, the poverty's rough there.

[Adam Carolla]

Your parents. But it's weird because I feel like there shouldn't be. There's certain nations where you go, I got a lot of poverty and I got a lot of kids and a lot of whatever, and you go get it. But India, you're better than that.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, it's a country that has sort of been a little bit leashed by this sort of socialist system, which is sort of. They didn't ally with the Russians or the Americans, but they had sort of more of a socialist economy. And now it's getting unleashed, and it's really kind of exploding economically.

[Adam Carolla]

And your parents both, what kind of doctors?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

My dad's a lung disease doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

My mom's ra.

[Gina Grad]

Please don't tell me in some ironic twist of fate, he's a smoker.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, he smoked for a while, and then we got him to quit when we were like, four or five.

[Gina Grad]

You showed him a picture of his lung?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, there was commercials all the time. So he'd come up and we'd go, you shouldn't smoke. You're gonna die. And then, of course, When I was 16, I started smoking and smoked for 20 years and just quit. Not quit. Just. I quit about five years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

So you. Then you grow up where? What part of the United States?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Outside Chicago. New.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, you want to do comedy because I bet your parents are. They're forcing you. I was talking about this at the beginning of the show. They're probably saying, study, go to college, become a doctor or become an engineer or do something.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, I mean, look, my uncles were doctors, my aunts were doctors. So I went to college at Colgate University. I'm like, I'm going to be a doctor. I took organic chemistry, and I got a C minus right out of the gate, and it was over. I mean, it was finished. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have been the greatest day in my family's life. By the way, if I got a C minus organic chemistry, I didn't really give a.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And my parents are like, you are not suited for this.

[Gina Grad]

Cut out, you know, wow.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Adam's parents have been strand around the house.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have been D in the refrigerator.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Tape parade and more juice, Doctor. I thought about being A lawyer for a while. I mean, it was literally like, I don't know, what. What else is there?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So. And then I. I was in a bunch of plays in. In. In high school and college, and I was sort of on the funny side of it all. So I. I went back to Chicago for a semester, and I did stand up at age 19, and I, you know, I taped it, and I'm like, let me see if I can entertain strangers. And I did about 15 minutes of material in about five minutes, just racing through it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

But I got enough laughs that I'm like, I'll give it a try. And so I went back to Colgate and I started this comedy group, which eventually became Broken Lizard, right? And the goal was to try to make, you know, shows that were like Monty Python slash Saturday Night Live. We did, like, short movies in between sketches, right. And the. The characters would come back, you know, on and on through this, through the show. And it became a big hit at Colgate. And then when we. When we moved to New York, we got into this sort of cabaret theater called the Duplex, which is sort of half drag queens and half. Whatever, right?

[Gina Grad]

It's more than half drag queens.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, I mean, our. Our. Our waiter waitress had the hottest little body on him. And a fucking beard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And a big Adam's apple. But, I mean, the most sickest. The sickest. And long blonde hair, right. I followed him down the street for about two blocks before he turned into a dildo store. And I saw his beard and Adam's apple. But you're like. It was like a really. Anyway, it was an open place, and we went in. We went and did shows on Monday nights, and Colgate just empties into New York on the. When people graduate. So we filled up the place and we sold a ton of booze, and they immediately moved us to Saturday because they're like, we don't really care what you do as long as you sell that much booze.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And it just went well. You know, it kept going well.

[Adam Carolla]

Spirit of the thing, how long after that did the Puddle Skipper Puddle Cruisers?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, I took a class at nyu, and I kind of learned the basics of how to make movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, your parents pissed the shit this whole time.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, they really. They really kind of believed that I believed that I could make it.

[Adam Carolla]

But if they were talking shit about you in their accent, what would it sound like?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, you know, I don't think this is a totally guaranteed job. You should consider a backup plan. It is. Well, you know, how are you going to make money? And you know, stuff like that.

[Adam Carolla]

But dad, haven't you seen Monty Python? He inspires me.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There were no Indians on TV in America the time. I mean, Fisher Stevens played the only Indian in Short Circus.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

My dad's favorite movie, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. He should have been wildly offended by the idea that they took Fisher Stevens.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There was an Indian in it. I'm like, he's not Indian. He goes, well, basically, though, yeah, well,

[Adam Carolla]

what about Gunga Din? I mean, he was Indian, wasn't he?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So we, we, you know, we were doing this show actually in this, you know, the state there. They had a group too. MTV called us up and said, we're gonna give one of you guys a TV show. Either you or the state. We did a show Friday night. We killed. Right. They did a show Saturday night and they must have killed more because they got the show.

[Adam Carolla]

What did your dad sound like when you told him this story about goddamn state?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Who the fuck do you think they are? He messed up tenses.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta keep going.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So we figured there was Saturday Night Live. I think there was In Living Color, and now there was a stage state. Right. TV is not going to happen for us. Sure, let's try to be Python and let's make movies. So we, we raised money honestly through somewhat through my parents and my uncles.

[Adam Carolla]

What did your dad sound like when he told him initially he needed money

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

to make a $160,000?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you crazy? See, I'm drinking this Mangria, so this gets funnier for me.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I'm drinking the Vangia too. Delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great, isn't it?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And, and yeah. And then, you know, the credit card companies thought I was a doctor, right. They were like, you. They were racist. They thought all Indians are doctors.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, when racist means you got a great vertical leap or your cock is huge or you have an advanced degree, then again, count me in.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

We're fucking racist with me.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So I put 70 grand down on credit cards. Wow. And they called me and they said, you're not a doctor, are you? I said, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they have an Indian accent at all?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, they did not at the time. There was no outsourcing.

[Adam Carolla]

Unfortunate. Yeah, yeah. So you made this initial movie. Was it a full length movie? Yeah, it was a feature film, so it's 90 minutes.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And we got into Sundance and we, you know, won the Hamptons Film Festival.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's where you met one of the Zuckers.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

We met one of the Zuckers. And it introduced us sort of to the business. And then we wrote Super Troopers and took it around all the studios. And everybody said, no one said yes. They said, but Ben Affleck has to play the part. I played, sure. And I was like, you don't really get what we do. My dad's like, ben Affleck can't act like, you know, so she leave.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the studios, I mean, they just do this thing where they go, they sort of hedge their bets. They're like, yeah, we'll make. We'll make whatever. As long as you can get super hot Star du Jour to star in it. Because obviously it's like, it's. It's like saying, yeah, I'll throw you a party if Aerosmith plays at it. And you go like, well, if. No shit, I could throw my own party if fucking Aerosmith was gonna play at it. I don't need you for that. So, of course, yeah, that's what they do because they want the deposit on their keg back and they want to make sure everyone's gonna show up at the party. So you gotta guarantee Aerosmith, But a bunch of unknown guys, that's a bigger risk, right?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And so we, we got turned down by all the equity guys, everybody who invested in independent film. And finally my friend called me and she's like, hey, my dad is retiring from investment banking and he's going to write scripts. And would you mind meeting with him? I'm like, yeah, ok, I'll meet with him. So I meet with him and he goes, I want to write scripts.

[Adam Carolla]

Indian guy?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, no, a white guy.

[Gina Grad]

What would that sound like?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So he says, I want to write scripts. Do you have any scripts that you've written that I could read to see what you guys. So I gave him Super Troopers. And he read it and he goes, what's going on with this? And I said, nothing. And he goes, I'll make it. I'll give you a million, too. And I said, that's our budget. So we went and made it.

[Adam Carolla]

And today, $1.2 million. Unbelievable. What's it made to date?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

In the neighborhood of like 80. 290.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That is a nice return on your investment. What do you think? And obviously you guys shot. Shot it probably on film. We shot on film back then and then processing, editing prints. Every movie theaters. I don't know, it's like 15, 16 grand a print or something like that. What do you think you make that movie for today?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I mean, if you really made it the same way it would probably be about 3.2.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, really, even if he shot it

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

with digital, okay, maybe digitally, I mean, it's not a great deal of difference. It would probably be around three. And I know that because I just made Baby Makers, which I shot in 20 days and I made it for two and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

And was that shot digitally or.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, I shot on film.

[Adam Carolla]

Because. You like film?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because most people shoot digitally now. Or at least they, at least that's what they say.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I think they haven't perfected making old older actors or women over 40. They haven't perfected making them look good yet.

[Gina Grad]

HD is the curse of all women.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And so it's not that there aren't great cameras. There are great cameras, but I just like how it looks. So I convinced them to do it. And you know, baby makers was 20 days. Super troopers, we shot in 28. So I mean, you know, I don't know, maybe three and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of Baby Makers, when last time I saw you we were at, at like some kindergarten bullshit graduation or something. Holy shit. Now your kid, you must have kids, same age. I have six year old twins.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I have six year old twins.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right, that's right. And oh my God, with the parents and the meetings and the things and it's like you got to go in and like meet the teachers and the parents and everything's by the way, Wednesday at noon. And you're like, don't people have jobs? Like what's going on? What are we supposed to do? Drop everything and go down and meet somebody? And what difference does this make? This is kindergarten. This is first grade. Look, unless you're sodomizing my kid, we're cool. You know, teach him a couple of vowels and we're good. Could you imagine your dad showing up to every single one of these conferences and graduations? What would he sound like if you told him he had to go to your kindergarten graduation?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

How much do I have to pay not to go?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I, I'm like, I don't get it. And it's like, well, you're gonna ruin the kids if you don't. And no, I'm not. They're fine. They're fine. So I'm guessing your kids are going to some private school now?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And, and, and like they're, in fact there was a, an event tonight at 6:30.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there you go.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And I'm like, I gotta go do Cruella show and my wife's like, you're not coming. I'm like, no, I'm not coming.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. And I, I'll you tell, tell you, making a living now in this society, this horrible society we've crafted gets you up to zero in terms of like doing your husband job. Like going, I gotta go to work. Gives you the okay. Like, wow, hello. Paying the mortgage, putting food in the fridge. So high and mighty, releasing your car. It's all. Cause I go to work. All right. I guess if you want to be one of those parents, we're going to have a latchkey kid on our hands. And it's like, no, I'm working. That's a good thing. It was only in the last four or five years. I feel like I was a dad at the worst period in time ever. Because back in the day, if you hung out and you provided, you're a good solid dad. And now if you're not going to the school three times a week and hang around and then there's those jack off dads who don't have jobs. And you get that thing where it's like, Emily's dad made a whole thing out of PVC piping and he put it on a plywood thing and it showed kids how gravity works. Like that Puss doesn't have a job. That's why I like, by the way, get his wife in here, let me give her a couple of beers. I want her to open up about what it's like to have this fucking guy gets to be the hero of the school, but never brings a penny. I want to get a few beers in her and talk to her.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I know some of those guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know those guys. They fucking make us look bad. And again, they can't be compared to us because we have jobs. Of course, if you didn't have a job, you could fucking hang around and make water wheels out of PVC pipe all day. These kids. But you don't make a goddamn penny. Thank you. Sorry, that got a little cathartic.

[Gina Grad]

Can I say something really fast about Jay? I actually saw him, I think it was this year, a couple months back, do some stamps at the ucb, which was pretty cool and pretty interesting. Yeah, you, but you, you didn't seem like this at the time.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I was a little different. I was a little shit faced. I bought a. They didn't have, they don't have a bar there. So I bought my own bottle of vodka and I didn't regulate it properly and I walked out there and I'm like, I am fucking Shit faced.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you hate places that make you into alcohol?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I agree.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This is that place where it's like you go, well, where you go like you're doing a show and it's like you go like, well, I like to have a Miller Light backstage. And then I like to go out on stage with a beer and they go, oh, well, this is a dry campus. And then you go, oh. So I got, well, where's the closest liquor store? And they're like, well, there's one on campus, but it's closed. So then there's another one that's a couple towns over and you'll like, well, could you send somebody? And now all of a sudden you feel like some kind of fucking maniac with your booze. Like, I'm getting the DTS and you can hear Dr. Drew going, what are you doing? You can't do one show without. But you have a certain little ritual. And in places that don't have the beer, don't have the wine, or don't

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

have the booze, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. Being on a stand up stage as you are in a bar, you're in a bar drinking, telling jokes. You have to have all three.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Social lubricant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thus the Mangria.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I love the mangrove.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fucking awesome, isn't it?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I love the mangrove.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's selling like hotcakes. All right, Gina Grad.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna talk about doing a little news with you again. The movie, the Baby Makers. It is out in DVD form. You can get it on Amazon. And Again, click through AdamCroll.com show us a little love and the definition of win. You get the movie, you get the comedy, and we get a little love. All right, let's do some news with Gina Grad. This is the news with Gina Grad. Wow, you got your own opening.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, thank you for that. Well, Paris Hilton is under fire for comments she made about gay men. She claimed, and I quote, gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude. Most of them probably have aids. The comments? Yeah, they were made in a cab.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not. It's not that they're horny. It's two dudes deciding when and if and how often you fuck. And that's like two fat guys at a buffet deciding on when it opens and when it closes.

[Gina Grad]

But also like herpes riddled pot, kettle. Like, who is she to make that kind of comment, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she's a herpes riddled kettle. And the other thing that pisses me off about her is I'm a car guy. And she buys the coolest car. She bought like the McLaren Mercedes. Now she bought the Lexus LFA. She buys these like crazy supercars and then just drives around town in them in automatic mode. And all the guys that are car fanatics are like, that's a fucking Kevlar monocoque tub in that thing with F1, this and that. She's driving a Lexus, a $385,000 Lexus supercar. It's like a fighter plane. It's all carbon fiber. It's got an F1 engine in it practically. It's got a V10 mid mounted engine and all that kind of stuff. And then she fucking drives it and just fucking putts around. She's going to Kitson in it, for the love of Christ. She fucks it up for all the guys who like cars. So fuck her. But yeah, dudes are horny and we take two dudes and you put them together and you're like, so when shall we start butt fucking? They're like, well, the glory holes. I mean, they invented something called the glory hole. They were like, listen, my apartment isn't. It is a whole eight minutes from here. I fucking can't wait that long.

[Gina Grad]

Where's the shitter?

[Adam Carolla]

Where's the shitter? And let's put a hole in one of the stall doors.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, she pays her publicist very well because her publicist said that's not what she meant. She said Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease where.

[Adam Carolla]

What does she do? I mean, she just gets paid 75 grand to go to Vegas and open a club, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's about it. Right.

[Gina Grad]

And she doesn't have to stay, she just makes an appearance, waves like the queen and she's out, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

She's a travesty.

[Gina Grad]

She's the best.

[Adam Carolla]

But what does she have to do? She's a Hilton, right? Everybody is.

[Gina Grad]

Well, and her sister Nikki, of course, does what every rich chick does, makes handbags. So she's the working girl.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

But that Paris, she's getting a little long in the tooth, right? 27, 28.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's getting. She's knocking on 30.

[Gina Grad]

I don't know if you take your kids to Knott's berry farm, but 20 riders expecting a short thrill were left dangling at 300ft for nearly four hours when the wind seeker ride at Southern California's Knott's Bray Farm stalled out. And they were upside down. Yeah. Well, no, they weren't upside down, but they were up 300ft. One woman actually went on. Isn't that ironic? She went on that ride at that moment to get over her fear of heights. And she said about an hour in, she started to feel really calm and really collected, and then she. She flipped out. There was nothing they could do. They kept saying over the loudspeaker, please be patient. Please be patient. And that was three or four hours.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why Jay doesn't get on a roller coaster without a bottle of Cuddy Suck, just in case that bitch breaks down. You don't need it to be a dry rag.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You can't be too safe.

[Gina Grad]

Have any of you ever been stuck on a roller coaster? Because I have.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you have.

[Gina Grad]

And I'm terrified of heights, so if this happened to me, I'd fucking kill myself. I just died.

[Adam Carolla]

Which roller coaster were we on?

[Gina Grad]

It was in Kansas City Worlds of Fun, so you're probably not familiar, but it was. We were sideways, so we were. We were parallel to the ground sideways. And it was horrific. And firemen had to come up, and it was the worst.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

My grandmother, when. When we were young, had hair down to her feet.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And got it. I like it. And got it caught in a. In a roller coaster before it got.

[Adam Carolla]

What did that sound like?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, no, my very long hair is caught.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the roller coaster. We had a couple of. I remember seeing Indian women back in the day who just had that fucking ponytail that just dragged on the ground behind them. I'm not sure the strategy behind. I know there's a lot of stuff going on with people in their hair and there's religious stuff, but it feels like a doctor Drew used to call. There's something called a fomite. That's just something that just carries disease. This is a fomite for stink. It's just. It's just one more. Every inch you add your hair is one more inch of stink possibility. And when it passes a foot, it goes up, like, tenfold.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Well, it had. You know, I mean, if you add roller coaster oil into that, I mean, it gets. So anyway, she cut it off.

[Gina Grad]

She cut off at the coaster?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, they had to cut it off. Part of it at the coaster. And then she's like, I need a more sensible hairdo.

[Gina Grad]

Is it a religious thing or a cultural thing?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

No, I think she was just showing off.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen more Indian women that. Oh, that and her. And Crystal Gale. Crystal Gale had crazy nutty novelty long hair. She was a country singer from like the 70s 80s.

[Gina Grad]

Is your a big Crystal Gale fan?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

She probably brownish, dirty blonde.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know what her. What her? Oh, don't make my beautiful. Yeah, there's Crystal Gale.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Vira forgot what I said. Yeah, I like that.

[Gina Grad]

So in New Jersey now.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. More Crystal Gale pictures.

[Gina Grad]

I'll wait for you to finish.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, when you're sitting down on the floor and your hair's piled up on the floor.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I see.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where I was telling you. So sad. I could name two presidents, but I know the chicks. I know that. I know Crystal Galen, her long hair.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You can have two presidents and one's Mitt Romney.

[Adam Carolla]

I was feeling bad actually for Jimmy Carter the other day because I thought, what's it like for Jimmy Carter, who's always used this like the yardstick for shitty presidents? Like everyone's like, look, this is the worst administration since the Carter administration. This guy's less effective. His foreign policy is worse than Carter's. Jimmy Carter probably at some point, doesn't he go, hello, I'm still alive, by the way. I'm alive. All the other guys you're talking shit about are dead.

[Gina Grad]

Habitat for Humanity, ever heard of it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I'm fucking swinging a hammer here for a black family over there. What, A guy named Herbert Hoover? Can't you talk about dead guys? I'm doing.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Please.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello? Why am I the fucking yardstick for shitty presidents?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There was a guy named Herbert Hoover out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. I'd love to get him and Clinton in the same room because Clinton is what happened. Exactly. Yeah. Clinton is the exact opposite. He's sort of the example of the cool guy president who did a fantastic job and everything was awesome. And that's we need Obama to be more like Clinton and blah, blah, blah. And then everybody is. It's like that cautionary tale, like, you want four more years of Carter esque policy. Well, you're looking, you're looking. He's gotta fucking hear that shit almost on a daily basis, right?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Must be a nightmare.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry.

[Gina Grad]

Where were we? So the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission has cracked down on drivers smiling in their driver's license photos because their smiles could interfere with their new facial recognition software. The spokeswoman said there was no law banning smiles per se, only a simple request that drivers not smile. As if you've just Won the five million dollar lottery. Residents are also asked to remove glasses and headwear unless it's for religious reasons.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Unless it's for religious reasons.

[Gina Grad]

That's too touchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, then don't get a fucking license then.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I just think this, if the facial recognition software can't recognize someone smiling, that's preposterous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Then if you're like a terrorist, you just walk in smiling.

[Gina Grad]

Well, and that's not why they do it, by the way. I believe wholeheartedly that it's because when you get pulled over, you're not fucking smiling. So you gotta look downtrodden and beat down.

[Adam Carolla]

And I had a friend so they can recognize licensed, he was just had a puss on, on his license. And I'm like, why are you making a puss on your license? And he said, well, the only person that sees it is the cop who's giving me a ticket. And I don't want him to think I'm happy about what's going on here. And I said, that's a heavy retarded logic that I'm buying into right now. Or you should have your arms crossed and be looking credulous, like, this is a waste of my fucking time.

[Gina Grad]

Or like Peter Griffin get shit faced and have your hair all askew and your glasses all messed up and take your picture like so when you're drunk, they think that's just what you look like.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, that's a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

My buddy Tony takes novelty. You know Tony from Kimmel's show? Like he. Yeah, he's put a wig on and went. He's nuts though.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

But yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, this is the end of our civilization as we know it. No more smiling for your driver's license picture. All right.

[Gina Grad]

Be somber. Eating rice once a day can increase arsenic levels in your body by at least 44%, according to a new study from Consumer Reports. The study surveyed more than 60 different rice products ranging from infant cereals to rice, pasta and rice drinks, and found worrisome levels of inorganic arsenic in most of the products. So that is linked to liver, bladder and lung cancer. I don't know if your dad knows about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you this. If you're drinking rice based beverages we don't need, you hit the dirt, dude. If you're drinking horchata, you're chugging more than more than a tumbler of horchata a day.

[Gina Grad]

Tapioca jones on.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't need you around.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Rich man, poor man, they sell that shit in whole foods.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Whole foods, like rice beverage, rice cream,

[Adam Carolla]

Rich man, poor man. Oh, what's the Indian beverage? I got something good.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Lassi. It's called lassi.

[Gina Grad]

It's creamy.

[Adam Carolla]

I got guys from like other countries going, it is sea salt and it is goat based. But it is very good. And I'm like, nah, it doesn't sound good to me. No, it's diatomaceous earth and sea salt and it's a good goat. Well, it's not cheese, but anyway, it's apart from the goat and it's very good. Very good. And it's like, no, it is not good. I've done the fucking math on your good. Oh, no, it's just. And people. I had a grand. My grandfather was Hungarian and he used to talk about buttermilk all the time. And he'd be like, thirst quenching, thirst quenching. And I'd go, listen, just because I don't want any more doesn't make it thirst quenching. You're mistaking me, taking a sip and going, I'm good with thirst quenching. That's not thirst quenching. Thirst quenching is 16 ounces. Polish it off like Michael Jordan. Little drip down the thing and slam it down and go, ah, this is. No, thanks, grandpa with the weird butt. Buttery.

[Bill Maher]

Weird, weird.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Buttermilk was big in India too.

[Gina Grad]

It is buttermilk.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's other countries, they're into buttermilk. It is like the thick, viscous milk that tastes like sour.

[Gina Grad]

My lower GI tract is like twitching.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't the idea of milk that's the consistency of prowl, that tastes like someone squeezed a lemon into it. Does that sound refreshing to you? That's awesome. Oh, my grandpa. Fuck it.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

But he could be refreshed by any. Anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Then listen, you could eat a cube of butter and just wash it down with some vinegar and be like, ah, so refreshing Chaser. So Indians like buttermilk, huh?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, they love it. They love it. And I drank a lot as a little kid from my grandmother.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They've decided. And also they decide certain shit's good for you. Like buttermilk.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And rice.

[Adam Carolla]

And rice.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Lots of rice.

[Gina Grad]

How do you live past 30?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Does it look like eggnog?

[Adam Carolla]

No, buttermilk.

[Gina Grad]

Delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

Buttermilk is sour. Sour. It has a tart flavor to it. It's sort of. I don't know how they do it, but it's a little. I would call it tart. And it's like thicker milk. That's very tart. And almost lemony tasting or a little vinegary sort of tasting. It's the opposite of kefir. Do people know what kefir is?

[Gina Grad]

Probiotic yogurt drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Kefir's like liquid yogurt from the 70s. Now it's all over the place. But they used to just have. Have, like, yogurt. Like, it's basically smoothie, sort of like.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Like gogurt.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna say the same thing. I just didn't know if anyone would

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

drink kefir when you were a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I drank.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Your parents were sort of a little hippie, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my mom. My mom was hippie. And she'd go to, like, the. You know, but back then, they didn't have the whole foods. They just had, like, the hippie market, you know, and you'd have to go there and, you know, it's like, don't eat chocolate, eat carrots. And it's like, calorically, it's exactly the same. It just tastes like shit. But they're very into, like, don't drink coffee. Drink postum. You know, it's like everything was the same. It was just the idea that this is our shitty beverage. And now we've all figured out that it's not any better for you to drink that shit than it is to drink coffee or to drink whatever.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Kefir is very good for you, though. If you're on antibiotics, drink some kefir. It'll keep your flora going forward.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. I don't get yeast infections.

[Bill Maher]

Great story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Today's show sponsored by. Although if I did, if I had a period, can you imagine what a disaster I'd be? It doesn't take much to get me into a bad mood.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Next story.

[Adam Carolla]

Next.

[Gina Grad]

Dudes can get yeast infections, by the way.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Next story.

[Adam Carolla]

I did it. I had a yeast infection.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So, you know, in the tip of their dicks.

[Gina Grad]

Well, yeah. All over the shaft. Or thrush in the mouth.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Oh, sure, in the mouth.

[Gina Grad]

It's called thrush.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

But you can get it on your hooah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did. I actually did. I'm never gonna get tired of this. And I went. I didn't have any kind of insurance at all, and I didn't. I was living in Santa Monica and I went down to the Santa Monica Free Clinic, which is just run by militant lesbians in the most depressing words on the planet. Cox. You know, like, they're. They're only there because their stepdad did something horrible to them, and they're. Now they're Just fucking angry. And I didn't have any insurance or anything. I was just like, sitting in the room. And you know that thing where they go, like, disrobe, the doctor will be back, and you're kind of thinking, can I hang out my underpants? Like, I don't know. When the doctors go, they don't make it clear. And when you're not paying, everything is just like, you know, getting your. Just fucking getting it.

[Gina Grad]

Get it when you get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it when you get it. And she said, you know, yeah, you got some yeasty. On the peckaroo, I think she said, medical diagnosis. She sent me across the street and was like, a weird thing. Cause, like, old man Drucker, like, behind the counter. Cause, like, the pharmacy was across the street and that I had. That was like, I had to pay for. And I didn't have any insurance or anything. So it was like 45 bucks worth of whatever cream. And so it's like I went to the thing and then like, old man, like, behind the counter, like, ah, what do we got here? So I handed him the stuff. Lip, is this for your girlfriend? No, vaginosis, Schwoosis. Oh, it's for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's for me, old man. And I took it back to my apartment. I used the shit once. Like, the cream one time. Probably ended up beating off because there's no way. There's no way. How much cream are you gonna rub in your dick before you go? Like, hey, wait a minute. It's like the Reese's peanut butter commercial. The peanut butter cup, double two. We gotta. So I used it once and then I never needed it again. The next day it was gone. But I remember being so poor that I'm staring at this thing of. If there was an ebay at the time, I would have tossed this fucking cream up onto eBay. Like $37, barely used. Buy it now for $20.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Original owner.

[Adam Carolla]

Original owner. Low mileage. Non smoker.

[Gina Grad]

Or best offer.

[Adam Carolla]

Or best offer. Like, yeah, so dudes can get the yeast. I know. And the thing that cures yeast on a dude. And the thing that cures just about everything, Air. Like, people go like, oh, man, you gotta get a band aid and some cream on that and some ointment and all that kinda stuff. It's like when you get something cut up or something. Get it. Get it up, clean it up and get it out in the open. It just dries up. Like, get that stuff out of the briefs, get it out in the air, let it dangle a Little bit. Fire up the ceiling fan and sleep on your back.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Adam?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah. I'm glad you're here. Close the door behind you. Yeah, we've gotten a couple complaints from the other people in the office. I understand you have a medical.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a medical condition. Did you not see the handicap plate on the Isuzu Tripper?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, I was gonna ask about that. Where did that come from? I slept with this girl in college, and she had a boyfriend, right? And she kept hounding me, hounding me. And finally I went over there and I had sex with her. And she said she was on the pill, so I came inside her, right? And then I went home.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, what would your dad say to that?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Don't be a dummy. So, in fact. So two weeks later, she calls me and she goes, thanks for giving me chlamydia, asshole. And I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe. Because, you know, now her boyfriend had gotten it as well.

[Gina Grad]

The jig is up.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So I went down to the. The medical place, and the woman stuck a Q tip on a stick into the end of my cock, turned it, and then pulled it out. And I was like, oh, I feel fucking terrible. And then it really stung. I mean, every time I took a fist after that, it stung. A few days later, comes back negative.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

So I call her up. I'm like, your fucking boyfriend's cheating on you, right? And then they broke up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but by the way, you put something into my cock and turn it. I turn with it. I'm like a propeller on a stick.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It's a horrifying situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn 360 degrees. You can spin me around if you like. I will. Keep turning as far as you can turn that stick. That's the way my works.

[Gina Grad]

Have you ever had anything jammed in your urethra?

[Bill Maher]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean. No. No, I've never. I've. I've been very lucky in the. In the. In the game. I mean, I. You know, I've never had anything under. Had to have anything yoked out or anything. I had a buddy who got crabs, and they say, oh, if somebody gets crabs and you're like, they're your roommate. They're like, sharing a bathrobe or using the same bathroom or towels or whatever. Well, not at the same time on

[Gina Grad]

a brisk winter morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, I was poor. Shared futon with dudes.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

He's on your shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My buddy. It's a long bathroom. My one movie ticket, please. How do you dress your balls? To the left side of Adam's Neck. I was. This dude was sleeping in my bed with me. Like we had a single. He'd sleep in it like during the day and we'd like take shifts and he'd like work the night shifts and we're living out of my garage and stuff. This guy had crabs. And I was like, for sure I'm gonna get crabs and I'm gonna get crabs and not even fuck. Like, I mean, that's the worst thing

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

that is loose to a dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's like you napping on your sofa and a cop coming in and giving you a speeding ticket going, what? At least let me get in a car. Fucking do a donut in a parking lot.

[Gina Grad]

Did you get them?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I never got him.

[Gina Grad]

That might be your superpower.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I have. Maybe I have that thing like where, you know there's people out there that it's like, oh, the mosquitoes love him. He gets bitten, you know, and he sit right next he's camping with his buddy. His buddy doesn't get touched, but he gets to shit beat out of by those mosquitoes. Maybe crabs are the same way.

[Gina Grad]

They don't cotton to you.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know how you get rid of crabs?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to know. Because we tried ammonia.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Just stand naked, a little bit of air on it.

[Gina Grad]

Put the ceiling band on, you suffocate them with air.

[Adam Carolla]

What would your dad sound like if you told him you had crabs?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Don't put air on it, dummy.

[Adam Carolla]

Encore Insurance, baby. How about it? That's right. How about 866-347-5748? You can visit smartterm.com life insurance. You need it. Who knows? You could get crabs. Something could get infected. Boom, you're gone. You got to take care of your family. Crabs died doing what he loved. That's right. One of my guys over here, Kit, one of our sales guys, he got a little deal from Encore. He's healthy. No, no. I mean, yeah, but that's not part of this 36 year old, non smoker, 20 year policy, by the way. $500,000 for less than 30 bucks a month. Such a deal. Give Encore a call, see what they can do for you. Give them a call. 866-347-5748. Licensing and disclaimer information can be found at smartterm.com youm got a family? Take care of that family. Smartterm.com all right, Gina Grad, one more little story and then we'll bring it home here.

[Gina Grad]

All right, here's the deal. The ACLU in Rhode island has Two new targets within the very same school district. Father daughter dances and mother son baseball games.

[Bill Maher]

Sure.

[Gina Grad]

They're saying now they're gonna stop those because gender based events are discriminatory. They're squeezing out the kids that don't have fathers in their lives, don't have

[Adam Carolla]

mothers in their, fucking shame them. And by the way, next, so, so next time think, think about it before you get divorced or pull out.

[Gina Grad]

But it's not the case.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on. The tits. I know, but it's Jesus, like the

[Gina Grad]

pancake luncheons and stuff. And you're there with your brother, but what's next?

[Adam Carolla]

The fucking Sadie Hawkins dance? I mean, there's just certain shit we have and it's understood. And look, honestly, TV shows, in this case, honestly, the show Dallas should be pulled off the air because it shows rich people flying in private jets and making love in huge mansions. And I'm upset by that because I live in an apartment and I have to use the subway.

[Gina Grad]

I don't have livestock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is pissing me off. I only have three head of cattle and almost no acreage.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Almost none.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my point is this. There's always going to be somebody that has something that you don't have. Have. Your job is to not be shamed by that. Your job is to look at it. And by the way, at first it starts with shaming. That's the first thing we don't get into this part of it. You become ashamed, like, oh, why is that person so successful? Why am I not successful? Why does that person have a relationship and I don't have a relationship? And then it turns into anger and then it turns into a phone call to the school board. And everyone, everyone's such fucking pussy whipped ass wipes now that we just pull the plug on fucking everything. Here's the deal. The answer is not no father daughter dances. The answer is let's start having families where we don't have this situation where there are fathers. Yes, let's have the fucking dads.

[Gina Grad]

Have you gone to any of those with your daughter?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck no.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

I feel like father daughter, the term has been ruined by the mother daughter porn. You know, you're like, well what? I don't even want to be associated with father daughter. Because then people, oh, you're into that.

[Adam Carolla]

Papa John Mackenzie didn't help things either, by the way. I don't see the necessary father daughter thing.

[Gina Grad]

Is that true, by the way? Do you think she's telling the truth?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Why not? Why wouldn't she be telling the truth?

[Gina Grad]

You think Edward James almost was telling the truth.

[Adam Carolla]

That thing where they do that, where they go. Like, she was only talking about having consensual sex as an adult woman with her biological dad to get attention. I'm like, I could do a couple fucking better ways. Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

You know, and you got to wonder, did they go to that dance?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Did it lead to.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it's a stepping stone drug. Yeah.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

We really need this.

[Adam Carolla]

Where it started, I gotta say.

[Gina Grad]

We used to go to those, you know, like in the 80s, your dad, you know, wears a tie and you wear a little dress and you go to the, you know, the school gym and you have the father daughter dance. It's all very fine and whatever. And then there's like that one girl that's there with her mom, and it's like real depressing and uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

See, here's the thing.

[Gina Grad]

I'd rather just not go.

[Adam Carolla]

It's supposed to make. We need people to be uncomfortable to some degree. Because when, you know, people. I was doing an interview the other day and they said, what motivated you to get into comedy? What got you into comedy? Who'd you look up to? Who was your inspiration? And I said, what motivated me to do comedy is my life story sucked. I swung a hammer. It was hot. I had no air conditioning. I drove a piece of shit truck that had no air conditioning. I lived in a shitty house in the Valley that had no air conditioning. I had three roommates. I couldn't get laid. My life sucked. And that got me into comedy. I kept saying, I don't want to live this life. I want to go on vacation. I want air conditioning. I want to drive a car that doesn't have a lumber rack and a bed box box behind it. And that discomfort got me into comedy. If someone said, here's some air conditioning and a blowjob, I would have went, all right, I will continue doing what I'm doing because there was a comfort level. So there needs to be an element of discomfort. There needs to be a point where you go to school and people have things you don't have. Sometimes it's a car and sometimes it's a deck. And you go, I want that. I want that for myself. And I want to create the life that gets that, where you don't fucking go complain and try to get the other dad to turn in his car. That's not your fucking job. And somehow this country has turned into, hey, why do you have that car? Why do you have that dad? And I'm going to go report you, okay?

[Gina Grad]

Nobody gets one now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now nobody gets one. So I can what? Feel better about myself? Doesn't make you feel any better? Just no one has a fucking car. No one has a dad. Now your job is to look at the fucking guy in the Rolls Royce who's happily married and go, that's what I want for myself. I do not want what I come from. And I'm going to work hard to achieve that. Not go fucking write a letter to someone about somebody who shamed you. Yes, I agree. All right, Bring it home, baby girl.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, all right. Oh, so next time you are tapping away on your little self phone, make sure you don't give yourself text neck. Because now it's real and they're diagnosing it.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, people just looking down the whole time.

[Gina Grad]

Looking down the whole time. Well, in my case, I kind of can't get around. But you know, for most people you're looking down and you're putting so much pressure on the back of your neck because they said when you sit up straight, your head only weighs about 10 pounds. But when you're slouching now you're carrying 20 to 30 pounds on your neck and it's giving you text neck. So be careful about that PSA for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what the cure for text neck is. People asking you trivia questions that you can't remember the answer to because it forces your head to go up. God damn it. What the fucking name was that? Oh, shit, that was Mahogany Rush. Shit, I don't know that band. Fuck no, it's just called Mahogany. No, no, that was that movie.

[Bill Maher]

Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, wait, that was Diana. God damn it. No, wait. Looking for Mr. God. It's the fucking name of that movie. But that'll bring your head up.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Yeah, but then you'll Google it and

[Adam Carolla]

then you're like, oh, then your head's going back down again. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

All right, well guess what? I'm Gina grad and that's the news. Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have aids.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Gina. Graduation income at home, baby. You want to make some money? Like to do it from within the friendly confines of your pajamas. How about incomeathome.com, the friendliest confines of all. That is the greatest confines ever. Yep, proven step by step systems. Help people start their own cash generating home Internet businesses. No pressure, no cold calling. Earn money. Do it on your own computer 24, 7 7. Make money while you sleep. Oh, man, that's my idea. Get in those pajamas and start earning anyway. Incomeathome.com America is a leading work from home business. A rated for their ethics and affiliated with a multi billion dollar company working in over 80 countries. Never knew there was more than like 15. Really opened my eyes to the number of countries there are.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

There are 196 countries too many.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's fire up those Predator drones. We gotta thin the herd. Incomeathome.com they're giving away a thousand bucks, by the way. It could be you just check them out. Visit incomeathome.com that's incomeathome.com all right, man, where were we? Ah, Foxwoods Casino, Connecticut. Coming up next Friday on September 28th, Tropicana Showroom, Atlantic City on the 29th. And me and Dennis Prager in Cleveland and Philadelphia. Coming up on October. You can look up dates. Adamkroll.com Are you playing cards?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

When you go play those casinos, you ever roll the dice? You ever pull the machines?

[Adam Carolla]

I am cursed. I am not blessed. I'm cursed. I'm unlucky. I'm wildly unlucky.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

And people, the fact that you know

[Adam Carolla]

that I know it. And every time I play blackjack, the fucking bitch to my right and the douche to my left, left just 21, 21. Blackjack 21, 21. And I've got, you know, 13s and 14s. Here's the deal, everybody. I am unlucky. And every time I say to someone I'm unlucky, they go, what do you mean you're unlucky? Look at you. You got a big house, you got a beautiful family, got all these cars. You're living the life.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about, unlucky? I go, that shit I earned. If that had to do with flipping a card over, I'd be living in a fucking double wave in Pomona right now with no. Well, swamp cooler. Worse. Sucking tons of BTUs and not putting any. Any cold air out. Yeah. Someone's like, how can we? We need a noise maker that makes people think they're getting cool. I mean, you'd be. You'd save yourself a ton of money if you just hired a homeless guy to stand next to you and go like the whole time you're a slave

[Gina Grad]

fan. You with another note card.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be cheating because they don't create any. Any cool air at all. And then they're like, they put horse hair on the outside of or something. They get fucked up and they sit there and then once in a while they lurch over to the list to the right. Like a sinking ship or something. It's so fucking sad. Where were we? Ah, Jay Chandrasekar, everybody. The baby makers. What would your dad sound like if he was telling people to buy it on DVD on Amazon?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It is a very hilarious movie. My son is in it again. He's okay, but what can you do? It's available on Amazon.com

[Adam Carolla]

this man Gris.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Good shit, right?

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

It's really good. I like it. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Jay and Gina Grad. And bald Bryan and Ray Oldhoffer saying mahalo. Don't talk down to me. Chew boy. All right, that's adam. Cruel show 915.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

That does it.

[Adam Carolla]

This weekend's Cruel Classics.

[Jay Chandrasekhar]

Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get on.

[Adam Carolla]

At first, I didn't think it was real.

[Bill Maher]

I woke up to this blinding light

[Adam Carolla]

and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. The There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth, isn't it? It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Bill Maher]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay.

[Ray Oldhafer]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

At first, I didn't think it was real.

[Bill Maher]

I woke up to this blinding light

[Adam Carolla]

and I was transported to another place, Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth, isn't it? It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Bill Maher]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay.

[Gina Grad]

Never.