Brad Williams + Gabriel Iglesias (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Brad Williams + Gabriel Iglesias (Carolla Classics) Release Date: July 4, 2025

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Introduction to Carolla Classics

The episode begins with Giovanni, the host of Carolla Classics, introducing listeners to a curated selection of the best moments and highlights from 16 years of The Adam Carolla Show. Giovanni emphasizes the availability of ad-free archives and invites fans to request specific clips via email.

Clip from Episode 1360 Featuring Brad Williams

The featured clip hails from Episode 1360, recorded in 2014 around the 4th of July. This episode includes Brad Williams, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bischoff, creating a festive and humorous atmosphere.

Notable Moments:

• Technical Hurdles in Movie Production: Adam discusses the challenges of transferring large movie files, humorously admitting, "I will fuck that up. There's no doubt." (02:57)
• Matt the Porcelain Punisher’s Absence: The team jokes about Matt’s unavailability due to his "toilet bowl convention in Fresno," awarding him the "platinum brush award" and a humorous scepter accessory. Adam quips, "Toilet paper Sasha they put over. It's a dispenser." (05:14)
• Navigating Parental Visits: Adam shares his envy-induced rants about visiting his parents' house with his girlfriend, leading to a lighthearted exchange about feeling like he’s bringing a “moped to Mars” instead. “07:13”

Relationship Advice Segment with Caller Sam

The conversation shifts to a caller, Sam, seeking advice on his troubled marriage after his wife confessed to cheating with a coworker.

Key Insights:

• Counseling vs. Moving On: Adam weighs the options between seeking counseling or ending the relationship, stating, "Once it has been decided by the gods or Penn Jillette or whoever that you can't get pregnant... then we will go do that." (12:51)
• Importance of Timing and Temperament: The discussion highlights how age and personal temperament affect decisions in relationships. Adam advises, "If you were having kids, you'd try to work it out... but without kids, maybe it's time to move on." (146:20)

Notable Quote:

• "We do all these things where it's like, well, the guy dressed up by putting a zebra head on, and then he went to the school and he opened up on a bunch of fourth graders, and we're like, what was he thinking?" (148:15)

News Segment: Tragic Incident and Serial Killers Discussion

Allison Rosen presents a somber news update about a 22-year-old boy who died in a hot car, leading to charges against the father for neglect and other related crimes. The discussion evolves into a broader conversation about serial killers, their characteristics, and societal perceptions.

Key Points:

• Case Details: Justin Ross Harris faces multiple charges, including neglect and sexting with minors. “69:18”
• Public Perception of Serial Killers: The hosts debate whether serial killers tend to be good-looking, referencing infamous cases like Ted Bundy and Richard Ramirez. Adam remarks, "The lion's share of the serial killers are pretty easy on the eyes." (94:58)

Notable Quotes:

• "The fact that we've kept this pirate ship sailing for over five years now because of you." – Adam Carolla (197:59)
• "It's like Night Star. Oh, no, Richard Ramirez wasn't too bad." (95:08)

Stand-Up and Upcoming Projects with Gabriel Iglesias

Gabriel Iglesias joins the show to discuss his upcoming stand-up comedy concert and his role in Kevin Hench’s new sitcom, Cristella.

Highlights:

• Cristella's Development: Gabriel describes his character as "the cousin of the guy that owns the house" in the pilot episode. “157:50”
• Stand-Up Concert Details: Gabriel announces his comedy concert, a "97-minute long show" recorded live at the SAP Arena in San Jose, available in select theaters from July 25th. “158:00”

Notable Quote:

• "I'm a hero in my own eyes that I didn't pass out." – Allison Rosen, reflecting on her own experiences. (13:26)

Relationship Dynamics and Personal Anecdotes

The hosts delve into personal stories about relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication and understanding in maintaining healthy dynamics.

Key Takeaways:

• Handling Cheating: Adam discusses the emotional complexities of dealing with infidelity, advising men to assess their willingness to move past the incident and prioritize mutual respect.
• Self-Care and Support Systems: Emphasis is placed on leaning on friends and family for support during relationship turmoil.

Notable Quotes:

• "The deciding factor to me is the kids. If you told me you had a newborn..." – Adam Carolla, highlighting the importance of children in decision-making. (146:20)
• "Don't overdo it with the hmms. Scratched chin at appropriate time." (161:24)

Conclusion and Final Remarks

The episode wraps up with lighthearted banter, sponsor mentions, and well-wishes for Independence Day.

Closing Highlights:

• Sponsor Shout-Outs: LegalZoom, FreshBooks, Valvoline, PetFlow, and Deer Hunter 2014 are briefly promoted.
• Final Banter: The hosts joke about body odor issues, personalized fashion choices, and the challenges of maintaining genuine interactions amid societal pressures.

Notable Quote:

• "We're in international waters... But yeah, it was fun..." – Adam Carolla, reflecting on a humorous mugging story. (56:07)

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Timestamp References:

• [02:57] – Adam’s admission about messing up movie file transfers.
• [05:14] – Awarding Matt the Porcelain Punisher.
• [07:13] – Joking about visiting parents with a girlfriend.
• [12:51] – Discussing relationship advice with Sam.
• [46:32] – Discussion on serial killers’ appearances.
• [94:58] – Adam’s observation on serial killers’ looks.
• [146:20] – Importance of children in relationship decisions.
• [157:50] – Gabriel’s role in Cristella.
• [158:00] – Details about Gabriel’s stand-up concert.
• [161:24] – Advice on handling relationship issues.
• [56:07] – Humorous mugging anecdote.
• [69:18] – News segment introduction.
• [94:58] – Serial killers appearance discussion.
• [197:59] – Giovanni’s closing remarks.

This episode of Carolla Classics offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions, making it a quintessential example of The Adam Carolla Show’s engaging content.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign Classics.

[Giovanni]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Corolla Classics available through Podcast One Premium. You can find ad free archives for this show.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to find ad free.

[Giovanni]

Archives for the Adam Carolla show, the.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat.

[Giovanni]

It out, check out Adam Corolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] Once again, we cannot play any Loveline material nor any material from the Adam Carolla show that air on KLSX from 2006 to 2009 that immediately precedes the Adam Carolla show podcast. For that material it is available elsewhere. For more information, check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni have any questions? I'll help you out. All right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Curlis Show 1360 featuring Brad Williams, Allison Rosen, Brian Bischoff. This one's from 2014. It's around the 4th of July. It was a really fun show. I thought it would include most of.

[Adam Carolla]

The episode and the next episode coming up.

[Giovanni]

Air very close to this one and they both have very similar fun vibes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you enjoy this and a happy 4th of July to y'. All. Good day. Allison Rose Hello Adam Carolla. Hey Bullpen.

[Giovanni]

Your website is bunk. A few people wanted that from yesterday. J. Moore's indictment of Rotten Tomatoes. Your website is bunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, he was good on this show. He's always good on this show.

[Allison Rosen]

But not good at Rotten Tomatoes, which made me feel better even though I was still like outstandingly bad and worse than he was. But he was more on the me side of things than the you winners side of things, don't you think?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. You've definitely found a kindred losing spirit in J Mortgage.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I know we do love company, us miserable people.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta talk to Matt the Porcelain Punisher in just a couple of few. First off, thank you so much for spreading the word and telling everybody about the whole patent troll thing and helping us out. There's more to come. Spoke to Costner yesterday. He's going to join the fight with us and we're going to bring him down. So thank you so much and thank you for supporting us in general and again, telling a friend, spreading the Word. That's about all we got, but we got a lot of it, so thank you. I said, now what happened? What I do is yell. Yell. I go on weekends. On the weekends, I watch cuts of the two movies I'm working on and make notes. But that come in the form of a thumb drive, and you can download them. There's two ways. You can upload, download, or sidelink them or whatever it is.

[Giovanni]

This is a discussion I never thought we'd have on this podcast. You're explaining the tech angle of making movies everywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it hasn't happened yet.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to bring it around because it takes a significant amount of time to download this thing. And you don't want the editor.

[Giovanni]

It's a huge file. He's actually downloading the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a huge file. You don't want times two movies. You don't want the editor sitting around watching his computer. You want him to do it. When he leaves, he hits the button and then he goes home. And then it takes place overnight, unfortunately, the following morning, it needs something other than me walking in and a guy saying, delivery for Mystic Rolla, and then handing me this thing. It needs you to move a mouse and click on something, and then you can pull it out in the form of a thumb drive. I will fuck that up. There's no doubt. I will fuck that up. So, unfortunately, while I'm coming in on Saturday to grab the thumb drive, somebody else has to come in on Saturday first and click the mouse, and then I can grab the thumb drive.

[Giovanni]

Because you need the movie on the thumb drive to see what the editor has done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, it's not a day's work for anybody, but somebody on their day off essentially, is going to have to get up, go over to the shop, open the shop, put it on the thumb drive, and then go back home. And I feel bad making people do that, but I narrowed it down.

[Allison Rosen]

But not that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Not that bad. Well, I got to watch your fucking movie, and I'll screw it up if I do it myself. So. And you know, people are in the neighborhood. It's get up, go there, do it, turn around, come home. It's probably an hour door to door. So I said to Andrew, who's the kid who's working on the Newman doc, I said, well, this one's between you and Matt Fondelier. As to who's going to be working an hour on the 4th of July.

[Giovanni]

This is come in, click whatever button needs to be clicked to get the movie onto the thumb Drive for you to come get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. And I left Andrew and I said Matt's close enough. He's got a good attitude. I think I can handle this. You can probably stay home. I'll hit Matt. Well, I hit Matt. Matt's got plans. Gonna be out of town.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess. Guess what. Matt wins toilet bowl convention in Fresno.

[Allison Rosen]

Him and helicopter party.

[Adam Carolla]

He's getting the platinum brush award.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the brushy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a scepter. Yeah, he's getting like a scepter. But now it comes with a holder too.

[Giovanni]

It's like a key to the city. It'll clean any toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Toilet paper Sasha they put over.

[Giovanni]

It's a dispenser.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's a proud day for me and my family. So speaking of his family, he said he was heading out of town. So I said. With his lady friend. So I said where are you heading, Matt? And he said what? Actually I think I just stared at you and gave you a knowing look like you already know. Right. Going to parents house, sleeping over. Wow. Going to sleep over at his.

[Allison Rosen]

At your parents house?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, correct. With his lady friend for a pool party. Not a pool party. Just a day of pool recreation with.

[Allison Rosen]

The family, mom and dad and the girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Knowing my dad, there will be some party element to it as well. But I said, and I meant it that my rage is born of envy. You know what I mean? It started you so it's ripe. Understand that it starts as envy and turns to rage when I think oftentimes.

[Allison Rosen]

Anger does stem from that.

[Adam Carolla]

You've shamed me. And now it's turned to rage. But it's really more of an.

[Allison Rosen]

It's your own pain.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my own pain turned outward. But the notion of going over to your folks house as a, you know, adult with a girl. I'm holding my fingers up in quotes. The idea of me going with my girlfriend to sleep over at my dad's house so we can chill by the pool the next day.

[Giovanni]

Lynette would be confused.

[Adam Carolla]

First off it sounds like why don't we just take a moped to Mars? That sounds more feasible. There'd be less questions asked by Lynette if I said why don't we just grab a moped to Mars?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean your stripper girlfriend would move in with your grandmother.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but they were out of town when my stripper girlfriend moved into their house. And you gotta realize there's a rich tradition of Corollas leaving and going to the grandparents house and flopping when My dad left my mom, it's unclear who left who, but when my dad, when they left, moved out. Yes, when they left, my mom stayed in the piece of shit house that she was flopping in in North Hollywood that was owned by my grandparents as allegedly a rental. That has to do the grandparents house, which are her parents and flopped out in their one bedroom.

[Allison Rosen]

So that has to do with flopping, not owning your own property and abandonment and breakups, which is in the Corolla wheelhouse. Whereas this whole Fondelier thing, this is like people who enjoy each other's company.

[Adam Carolla]

I was hoping is this again Matt?

[Giovanni]

How is it like a day trip? What is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's like 40, 45 minutes or so. It's not too far. Sleeping over. Sleeping over though in your old bedroom? Well, same house, but no, not. We have a bonus room, extra room, boner room, the sleepover. And hold on a second. First off, I was laughing with Matt because I said, you know, when my parents broke up, there were no assets, there was nothing to divide. The assets were my dad took his ass out of the house and set it in his fucking Volkswagen. That was the asset that my dad left with when, at age 41 when they broke up, that was his asset. He was slow playing it, setting his ass in his Volkswagen and driving to her parents house two blocks away. I'll show you. Literally didn't have to get on a freeway, just drove down side streets, went to the parents house and slept in the den. Fucking awesome. Oh man. Now why the sleepover tonight? I understand the pool party tomorrow. Well definitely tonight also means free dinner tonight with the family. And also what might you be eating tonight? That's a great question.

[Giovanni]

Hopefully we'll go out to dinner somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice. Maybe a little tap on. But dad's paying. All right. Exactly. Plus that means hot tub tonight. With as much booze as we want to consume. And not have to worry about driving with just you mom and your girl.

[Bald Brian]

Yep, just the four of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Chandelier stew.

[Giovanni]

Adam's like the cuckolded husband who's asking the wife all the painful details just so it hurts more. What are you going to eat tonight? Are you gonna be in the hot tub?

[Adam Carolla]

Was Lucius cut or uncut? Yeah. Wow. It's gonna be a great, great weekend. Oh my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Now let me just get something clear. At any point when you're asleep, when you're in bed in your parents house, do you begin to be overcome with rage over something that happened when you were 14 like, happens to me, or is this whole thing like a vacation?

[Adam Carolla]

It's truly like a vacation. Wow. Yeah. It's nice. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't get bent out of shape over the tiniest thing. And you don't suddenly think I'm reacting like a teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say if I spend an extended period of time, my parents, like, you know, we go to Mammoth every.

[Bald Brian]

Year for, like, a week.

[Adam Carolla]

Toward the end of that week, it gets a little much sometimes. Tired of you wearing his Wilson shoes. Exactly. Snow all over these things, son. Come on, now. But, no, it's. It's actually a lot of fun. You know, it struck me, it's kind of weird, because this is basically the relationship that all my Jewish friends have with their parents, but none of the goyim I know have this with their parents.

[Giovanni]

He's not Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sir. All right. And then it struck me. Well, Allison's Jewish. But your parents made a mistake. They should have told you you were a Jew. And perhaps you could have been enjoying this afterlife with your parents as well. This payback for not. You thought you were one of us.

[Allison Rosen]

I will behave as a goy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You raised me as a boy. Now you're gonna get the same shit I give my parents. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Matt, how old are you?

[Adam Carolla]

I will be 30 in September.

[Giovanni]

When I was about Matt's age, maybe a little younger, I looked forward to visiting my parents in the same kind of way. They didn't have a pool, so it wasn't pool parties. It was barbecues and fun times.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes I look forward to it in the sense of, like, ooh, fun. We're going somewhere. And then half a second later, I realize, oh, no, this is where we went.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't really have that. But the sleepover part.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Plus, my parents are out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, again, I mean, there's heavy drinking in the evening after the dinner. Understood. The sleeping is more of the passing out variety. Okay. All right, listen. Again. It's the jealousy, the shame, and the envy that has turned to rage. It didn't start as rage. It's born of envy. So know that I'm a catalyst of change in many people's lives. Yes. All right, now change your ass out of that stool and into the sofa in the back and get some work done. Thank you. Oh, my God. So sad.

[Giovanni]

You raised him right.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to. I gotta tell you, I am hell bent on having that relationship with my kids. I am. I kiss them, I hug them, I try every goddamn day. It's just a waste of my time. Oh, that boy. Such a boy. All right, there's that. There is Alison. Alison's going, allison, you're trying to get pregnant, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I am. And before the show started, I said to you, so we're beginning to start all the fertility stuff because you said on air, don't drag your heels, don't do all the sort of half measures, just rush to the people in the lab coats who can make this happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, once it has been decided by the gods or Penn Jillette or whoever that you can't get pregnant, the, oh, we'll give you a shot in the ass every night for a year. That's gonna cause a lot of fucking arguments. It's just the thing you do for a year before you realize, look, we have to do this. And then when this doesn't work, then we will go do that. I said, just skip ahead to the stuff that works.

[Allison Rosen]

And I even am thinking, oh, maybe we didn't somehow. Didn't do it right. Didn't give it long enough, didn't schedule it right. Didn'tyou know, didn't bathe my innards in sperm just enough.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

So, yeah, so I just went and they drew blood today. And I am one of those people who really kind of has a phobia about that. So it's a. I'm kind of a hero in my own eyes that I didn't pass out. And they were very nice. They didn't make me feel like a child or an asshole. They were strangely patient with the fact that I'm just a big wimp when it comes specifically to that. Getting a shot. Fine. Having someone straighten the blood on my arm just, I begin to, to feel very woozy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's something visceral about it because your blood is your sort of life force and somebody. It's the tubes of my life force removing it. But so now you're on to the part where what?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so the next thing is a hysterosalpingogram, which is where they shoot dye inside my uterus and look around to see if my tubes are open. And also they think I have, here's some details. They think I have polyps in there or a polyp or something. So then the next thing is a hysteroscopy and I put, I put a photo on Instagram. I said, this was on the back of a brochure I got from my doctor. It's like four silver haired, 65 year old women doing aerobics in A pool. I don't understand why this is on the back of the procedure that I may have to have. Stop smiling like that, Brian.

[Giovanni]

They're backup news girls.

[Allison Rosen]

But this is where they send a camera up there, and they look around, and if I do have a polyp, then they remove that, and that's done under general. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's giving blood. If there's another thing I don't like, it's. See, these are the women. We're looking at a photo of this. How are they representing fertility?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Are they still from Cocoon?

[Adam Carolla]

I think when you don't. You know, there's an old joke that my grandfather told me, and I'll tell you what it is in a second, but I think when in doubt, when it comes to medical brochures, you have women jazzercise in a swimming pool, like, the shallow end of a swimming pool. And everyone just goes, oh, well, there you go. It's basically the equivalent of riding a mountain bike in a commercial. It could be used for drugs. It could be used for depression drugs, could be used for high blood pressure. Could be used for any. Really anything. Just somebody riding a mountain bike, I guess.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's like, imagine if these were the people on your plastic surgery brochure. Like fertility.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

You.

[Allison Rosen]

You want to feel young and vital. It's weird with osteoporosis.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why we're looking at it now and laughing, but I don't know how it works. The joke my grandfather told me a million years ago is, they have awkward dumbbells. The guy had, like. The guy, I don't know, he spoke to Moyle, and then the guy said, yeah, come by my shop or something. And he came by the shop, and the guy had a big clock hanging in the. In the window.

[Allison Rosen]

Every Jew knows this joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they said, why? Why the clock in the window? And he said, like, what am I supposed to hang? It's basically the joke. And.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I know a different joke.

[Adam Carolla]

What are they supposed to have? Just a big broken pussy on there? Just like a pussy with a. With like, a thermometer hanging out of its mouth and a bandage around its head going like, oh, man, I'm on the fritz.

[Allison Rosen]

The joke that I know is someone sees. Someone sees someone pushing a grandfather clock, like, into their office, and then the guy points to his wrist and says, you should get one of these.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's another. Yeah, that's it.

[Allison Rosen]

But similar clock humor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I know why they've stood the test of time.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why the old women on the fertility thing. But maybe this isn't purely a fertility thing. Maybe this is something that happens when you hit 55.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I think. I think that it's. No, I think it's. I represent the youth contingent of people who need to get hysteroscopies. Apparently so.

[Giovanni]

That's a young face.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not for sure that I have to have that based on this X ray. Wait, Brian, what just happened?

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying, look, once in a while a guy gets breast cancer.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I'm that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're that.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm the.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the male cancer filled male boob, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of, Daniel gave sperm.

[Bald Brian]

They don't call it gimmick sperm.

[Allison Rosen]

They call it just jizzing in a cup.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he have to produce on site?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you guys are lucky that guys are jack off ninjas because if you asked a woman, I need you to come to this weird place in Tarzan on the second floor. And there's a fucking Pinkberry next door. And you can kind of hear the machine through the wall and have an orgasm.

[Allison Rosen]

And everyone's gonna know what you're doing in there. And we'll provide a lot of porn, but you'll be afraid to touch it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And achieve an orgasm. Like no woman I know would be able to do that. They'd be like, it's fucking high noon. I'm looking out the window, I can see the strain billboard with the guy and his eyelid being pulled. Fucking down with the worm coming up.

[Allison Rosen]

Through the face and out the.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. Whatever it is. Sorry, this ain't gonna happen. Not here. I'm gonna need at least a baker's dozen of candles. Someone better draw me a bath. I need a glass of chardonnay. I need a little Yanni. Yeah. Sarah McLaughlin, like playing or something. An eye mask. Like I need some aromatherapy. Like I need some flattery.

[Allison Rosen]

I need some reassurance.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody. I need to be taken. I need to be swept a fucking way. And it ain't the second floor of a mini mall in Tarzana. Guy you could say to a guy, hey, where do we need to produce? Where do we need to produce? The sample tolerance Museum. All right, where do we go? One of the simulated ovens or where should we go?

[Giovanni]

2:30. Good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can be there. I'll be done by 2:35. Like you could literally go to the Holocaust museum and fucking Produce. There's no doubt about it. I don't know a guy. Do you know a guy that if you said, listen to me, I will give you $5,000? We will give you your privacy. You need to go to the Holocaust museum, and I need you to produce. It needs to be done in a timely fashion. That could not produce.

[Giovanni]

I would have left before he finished the set.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'd have my pants. Guys could walk an entire Holocaust museum and produce at the end of the tour. And it would probably add 35 to 40 seconds to the normal time the guy spent in the shower the day before. Sad.

[Allison Rosen]

For a small group of them. It would even subtract like, 45 cents.

[Adam Carolla]

You dated a guy who probably would have. Would have shaved a few tents off his 40.

[Allison Rosen]

It's another kind of shower. He'd like to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Wouldn't have made it to the bathroom.

[Allison Rosen]

So Daniel said that he was. He gave some consideration to how much time he was in there because he didn't want it to be too short, but he didn't want it to be too long.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I said. That's what you got to do. That's. That's the one time you're not looking for any. That of boys. Like, whoa, we got a winner. We got a new leader on the tote board here. Like, you don't want that. Easy. Turbo. Yeah, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you even close the door?

[Adam Carolla]

You want. Yeah, you want. You want the thing. And you don't do that move that I did where I pulled out my own porn like a flask. I carry my own porn. Thank you very much. I got a porn porn belt I wear, you know, like for when you travel. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I've said it. I went to the bathroom and went. How long would a normal person take to produce? I went right in that middle.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you tacked that on to five seconds. Or.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But I remember thinking very consciously, like, I don't want anyone going, hey, quick draw. And that's. Jesus Christ. Barely. I started barely. Barely gotten a top line of this paperwork I was filling out. And what I thought you just. I didn't want that. I didn't want, like, okay, it's been a fortnight. Where the hell that guy go? Did he crawl out the window? Like, I don't want that. I just want. All I want is nothing. There's certain.

[Giovanni]

It's basically, you want no one to have any thoughts on your session whatsoever.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I treated it like every couple times a year when Saddam Hussein was in power, he'd call like a big cabinet meeting and everyone had to attend. Your goal when you attended one of those meetings in that big auditorium with like a thousand guys actually leave, was to just sit there and not, hey, you don't want to be called on. You don't want to stand up. You don't. You don't want any fucking trophies and you don't any step out with. I want you. Once you talk to Uday and Koussay in the parking lot, like, meet me up on the roof. You just want to sit there, get through it. And polite applause. Don't be the first one to stop clapping.

[Giovanni]

Maybe a Hail Saddam and then just.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking get up and it's back to the two stroke car or whatever the fuck got you there. But the point of the petty cab, however it is you got there, that's it. You don't want anything. That's what you're looking for. 0 complete. Fly under the radar. No, there you go. Or nothing. That. That's. I think that's what Daniel's looking for in that situation.

[Allison Rosen]

So the next step after the imaging and after they figure out like, what is going on in there.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's weird? Whole generation, because I got my kids. You guys were conceived while dad was thinking about fucking someone else. Oh, sad.

[Giovanni]

Dig.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't really have that problem in the past. But not, you know, nothing wrong with you. But what I'm saying is he was provided with material. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, these kids are really the product of masturbation, if you think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he could have been staring at Christy Canyon circa 1987, when the kids were conceived, sort of. Oh, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

He only thinks of me.

[Adam Carolla]

I am saying.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what he told me.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have him in the room when those things are, you know, when the eggs are fertilized and force him to think about you. Yeah, Justin, just for good cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Wash them in the correct thoughts. So anyway, so then there's like a whole thing where they give you hormones and then they brought up this chart showing the percentages that. That will work based on your age. And then ultimately you get to IVF, which is 45% works. And I. So what you're saying, Adam, is just go straight to that. Don't mess with the stuff. That it costs money and takes time. The thing is that IVF is more invasive and there's just a huge meta. Irony over the whole fact that I wrote all of those. What I'd expect if I were expecting. And now I'm earnestly sounding like one of those people.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know if you're allowed to jump to the finish line with.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think they might not let you.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll probably go, you really need to da ba ba. But they can't guarantee b, B, B. We had triplets for, like, 10 minutes. They were like, oh, there's three little guys up in there. And I was like, holy shit, triplets. Like, I thought, we're having a child. And then it went to triplets. And then I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, what are you talking about? Three of him would be no problemo. I was like, holy shit, triplets. And then I realized, Fuck, this is Dr. Drew's fault. He has triplets. He did the same thing. I was, like, making fun of him the whole time I sat with him. And now a decade went by. Now I'm gonna have triplets. And then you get into this thing where it's like, would you like to reduce? And you're like, oh, reduce. And then it's like, oh, it's kind of an abortion. But that's what. We're not here for abortions. We're here to have kids. And now you're in this weird fucking world where it's like, I didn't sign up for an abortion. I signed up to have a kid. And now would you like to reduce?

[Giovanni]

It's shipping from the green. Because you don't want to go too far, don't want to go too short. You want to get that right on the putting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. And I Now, what happened was it was just like, holy shit, we're having triplets. And then you start thinking about the health of mom and carrying triplets and all the bed rest. And now you go, like I said, you go from one kid, like, emotionally to three kids. Holy shit. And the one just dropped off, just like, sloughed off. Like, the one little heartbeat or whatever they caught early just magically went away, which was like, oh, good. I mean, it was like, you didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Have to make that decision.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I didn't want to have to make that decision. And I don't know. What we never even really talked about. It was just like, well, the one looks pretty good and the other looks pretty good, but there is a third that's not looking. Looking quite as good. And magically, the boy and the girl, and then the one slipped off. And then, you know, God, you know, very, very lucky in that department. But it is. There's often multiples that come from this.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't quite under. I could probably easily find that out. I don't understand why that happens so frequently. Is it that the eggs split once they get inside, or do they implant more than one?

[Giovanni]

I've been told it's because they implant more than one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do.

[Allison Rosen]

Chance of they go for more than one thing. That's what I thought. No, no, no. That's always what I thought it was. But Mike August said they, like, start splitting once they're inside of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't talk to him about anything but Cajun. Cajun food is all you really should talk to him about.

[Giovanni]

Nakaye's an expert.

[Adam Carolla]

Bayou related food is where. That's his. Hey, I'm serious. And if you've ever gone out, when I was in Austin, we ate Cajun food together. That's his true field of expertise, is Cajun food. That's where he really.

[Giovanni]

His doctor Elicit Cajun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think it was. His emphasis was on crawfish. On crawfish. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. I'll save my gumbo related conversations for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, legal zoom, baby. Protect your family and your finances. Get real peace of mind. Legal help. And it's legal help you can [e-mail] they've been helping Americans with the wills and the powers of attorney living Trust for over 13 years. Protect your assets. Protect. Start an LLC, S Corp, trademarks, real estate documents, and more. They make it painless, they make it fast. It's inexpensive. It's great legal protection. It's legalzoom.com they take care of you. Soup to nuts. Start to finish. Modern way to get help. LegalZoom Dawson. For special savings.

[Bald Brian]

Be sure to enter Adam in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Referral box at checkout. Protect your family. Protect your [e-mail] LegalZoom was developed by top attorneys to provide self help services at your specific direction. But they're not a law firm. Legal help is furnished through vetted independent attorneys. All right, Brian. Not Bald Brian, but Brian, 25, spells his name like a human being from New York. What's going on?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Ah, it's going really good. Longtime listener, first time caller.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Brian, you're so fucking lucky. Cranston spells his name with a Y. Wow.

[Giovanni]

Am I?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're lucky because every time I think about you and I start clenching my fist, I. I see Cranston's name and I go, fuck. What am I gonna do? How can I justify this. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's live under a lucky star.

[Adam Carolla]

I really do. Lucky.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, the cancer. Yes, but still.

[Adam Carolla]

But the whole thing. Yeah. Brian with an I. Sorry.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah, that's all right. So I wanted to call in because I actually worked for the publisher of your latest book, President Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah. Harper Collins, it says up there. Yes, indeed.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

And I love the book. I thought it was hilarious. But I think there's something that you should know, which is. So the internal company database has a bunch of records for when we ship out books. And in particular, we ship a couple of cases of books, as you probably know, to the Warehouse. Warehouse, rather.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

And in the system, your name is spelled Adam. C O, R, O, L, L, A.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. How could. Could it be any other way? Could it be any other way?

[Giovanni]

How would they know?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Well, here's the rub. Fondelier's name is spelled perfectly, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom. Yeah. Because everyone went to school with five or six Fondeliers. I know. First off, it's a weird thing because, you know, just in the phonetic department, it's K. Does this say Carolla? It's K. Like, I never say core to anybody. It's this cuh. It's cuh. It's ca. It's Carolla. And the Ola. I mean, it's sort of phonetically. It's pretty phonetically there, but on the other. But it's also spelled on the book too. Like, if you need it, there's probably a couple copies laying around.

[Giovanni]

Where are they gonna get a copy of that book?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah, it's not like there are any publicity materials or copies of the book or any other records anywhere in the system with your name.

[Adam Carolla]

It just is. And I'm now accepting that as a unfortunate part of life. But that is just the way it is. I was staring at the die cast Toyota Scion model of the Toyota Grand Prix car I drove the other day and looking and marveling that my name was spelled two different names on the same die cast car model, about three quarters of an inch apart. And just my mind started dripping out of my nostrils. I was like, it is spelled two different ways on the same model car. And the car's six inches long. I don't know how much work it takes to spell it two different ways.

[Giovanni]

What's more work than getting it right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I think the one car just has it misspelled all the way through. Which. Which I understand, except for there are many things that involve that race that have my name on it. That Is spelled correctly, especially the two huge crystal trophies. But it's spelled correctly on mint, like a tote bag. And up on. You know when they put your picture up on the Jumbotron and everything, they spell it correctly on the leaderboard on top. Getting dusty on top of that leaderboard spelled correctly, but on the car. Spelled incorrectly. But two different ways on the same thing again. Wouldn't you just punch. Punch it into some printing computer and hit print and four versions would come out. Put one on the front bumper, one on the rear bumper, and one on the windshield. Like, does it take extra work?

[Giovanni]

It does seem like more work to get it wrong and right on the same car.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

The problem is they're not doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

They're doing their best. They're not doing your best.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Oh, boy. I had a funny exchange with. You can get Fondelier back in there. Oh, boy. Did, by the way, did you guys move? Brian? Yeah. You guys, Harper Collins was moving.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah, yeah, we moved buildings. We're down in lower Manhattan now.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good. And what do you do over there?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

What do I do? I'm in publicity.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You're working on my book.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Well, I'm not, unfortunately. I was very happy to find out that we'd gotten it because we knew we were going to get a lot of good business. But unfortunately, I don't get to work on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Brian. I appreciate it.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

No doubt. Keep on keeping on.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, buddy. I had a new quasi insulting one that would be right up there with don't do your best. Do my best. I think I wrote Costner an email talking about getting in on this patent troll thing we're doing and we're going to do a big fundraising event. This, that, and the other. Well, I told Matt to write him an email. Costner, just because he's that kind of guy, wrote back about two hours later with a long fight the battle, blah, blah, blah. He's going to be in Europe. He's going to be this and that.

[Giovanni]

He said, dear Concerned fan, thank you for your email.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, he wrote back like two hours later. And it was ar email. He's a passionate man. And one of the. He wrote something on the date that was a little bit confusing. And I said to Matt, hmm, says he's going to be out of town on this date, but we're talking about a later date. What do you think he means? Do you think he's confused? And Matt said, what? I said, your guess is as good as mine. And I said, what Your guess is.

[Bald Brian]

A lot better than my guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you, a much more well connected guess than I will ever have. Well, if you have someone guessing, would you rather me guess or. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. All right, lesson learned. Just want to make sure it was clear. All right. I know it seems like probably a lot of people wouldn't stop and take the time to clarify that, but I just wanted.

[Giovanni]

That's what separates you from them.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, so my guess is better than yours. Andy, don't do your best. I'll do your best even when you're guessing. Now guess my best. Okay, thanks. I'm such a dickhead. He said your guess is as good as mine. I had to correct him. All right. Oh, Brad is here. Brad Williams. We love Brad Williams. I'll tell you what, let's take one more quickie call. Brian, you can jump in on this one. And Brad, Brad Williamson. Abraham, 35, Arkansas.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Thanks, man. How's it going?

[Adam Carolla]

Good man.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hey, best friend. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Full, luxurious head of hair. Brian, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Question.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Oh, yeah, question. Just wondering, with all the Transformers 4 and other movies made out of, you know, board games and sequels and Hawaii 5o, you see any end to the remakes and the. The rehashing of all this crap?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, what do you think?

[Giovanni]

Well, you probably. You think, you've alluded to it before with like, if you're a studio and you're making a big movie, international movie, and you're investing so much money, you're not going to take the chance on our audiences going to know what this is like. You have to have a pre existing idea or franchise or notion or it can be a comic book or it can be a whatever, but it has to be something people are familiar with investing money. I think it's right, but that's what they're thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

I think movies, movies more than just about anything because TVs kind of always been TV and there's still, you know, everyone wants to make the best TV show and they want to make Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones or whatever it is, and books. Everyone just wants to make a great book. Even documentaries, things like that. But movies have become more of a business and more of an international business and internationally owned business over the last 30 years than any of those other conventions I've been speaking about. Like the TV shows were let's make the best TV show we can make, or let's make a sitcom or whatever it is. Some are good, some don't work, but Movies very intentionally took a turn and said, look, we need to fucking turn a profit. And if it's something that people have heard of, we got a much better chance. I mean, you take a look at like National Lampoon, they made a fucking decent movie like we talked about in 25 years. They just put their name on everything. And even, you know, Spike Lee or other guys, you know, there are other people whose names they'll. But now it's Kevin Hart or something, but they'll put their name. Tyler Perry's a great example. Tyler Perry just put their name on something.

[Allison Rosen]

Jules Dash.

[Adam Carolla]

Jules Dash. Names all over my document. He or she's a fucking money. Fucking cash money in the bank. So the, the. This, this is happening with formats and names and things, but it's, it's now gone past. Like, used to be. Well, we'll do a remake of a movie. Now it's television shows. Cartoons. Battleship.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Board game Battleship. I mean, yeah. So fucking weird.

[Giovanni]

If you're a big corporate. It's gotten. With the remakes and the reboots and all that stuff, the franchises. If you're, you know, launching Avengers 2 or just Avengers or whatever it is, that's like Apple launching the iPhone 5, it's like, that's your tent pole for the year. And the success of that movie is going to dictate how well your company does that year. It's gotten just so humongous that you can't risk it on an unknown quantity.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in a world, pardon the pun, where it is very difficult to turn a profit and get your returns back on your feature and so on and so forth, they're helping their cause. They're hedging their bet. They're going, look, as I said, if you can do Land of the Lost, you can do anything because you can divide the globe into just simply two spheres. There. There's just two. There are two containers. There are two huge Tupperware containers that you can divide the entire globe into. Those who've heard of Land of the Lost and fucking hate it, and those who have never heard of it. I don't know why you would make a movie based on that, based on that knowledge. Because those are the only two. There's no third option. There's no C group. There's no all the above. There's nothing. There's just the people have never heard of Land of Lost and the people who think it's the worst thing that's ever been created, though, that's it. That. That's all that's Your only choice. And they still made that movie.

[Giovanni]

The fact that it existed gives it some value for some strange reason. Yes, a bit of trivia for you. Maybe you guys will appreciate this. So all the big movies, some movies, at least the big action movies, they're all based on some existing property. A book, comic book, a TV show, whatever it is, or a remake or reboot. It's so rare these days that the last one. What's the last movie? Big summer movie, big runaway hit. That was not based on any. It was a totally original idea. Not based on a book. Comic book. I may be wrong on. There might be more than one. The one that I can remember, and the one that always gets pointed out is, oh, this is one of the rare examples. That is not a comic book. Not a book. It's not a TV show.

[Adam Carolla]

So you couldn't say Jaws because that was a book.

[Giovanni]

It was more recent. It was in the last five years.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right.

[Giovanni]

But I'm saying it's gotten so rare that pretty much one movie in the last five years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. Reds or something. Or red or whatever that was. That was a comic book.

[Allison Rosen]

22 Jump Street.

[Giovanni]

No, I'll have to look that one up. But it was Inception.

[Adam Carolla]

Inception.

[Giovanni]

Totally original idea, and they totally marketed it based on. Oh, this is the guy who did the Batman movies and Leonardo DiCaprio and all that stuff. And that was what they put forward for the marketing. But it's so incredibly hard for these big companies to do that with unexisting franchises.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why, but somebody tweeted me. It's funny, it's nice and weird. No recollection of much of my life, but somebody tweeted me. There's a lot of. I'm very flattered that a lot of fans listen to old Loveline.

[Giovanni]

And Classic Loveline is a podcast now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they listen to Classic Loveline and then they enjoy it, which is a weird thing because one party is like, there's a radio show I never think about. You think about watching reruns of a TV show or watch an old movie or something like that, but a radio show. And then there's a party that thinks, why not? I mean, if it's something that you liked and it was funny or interesting and who cares if it's 10 years old? Or maybe you never heard it the first time around? But we were. Somebody gave me a tape or sent me a tweet that had put together, like, a best of or whatever, and I never listened to any of that stuff. But sometimes when people tweet it to me, I'll just poke it on just to. I have no idea what I said or what Drew said or what's coming around the corner. It's kind of funny to hear every once in a while, bald Brian in there.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Tara. Don't call me Tara, God damn it. Or something. Whatever. Whatever it was at the time. But I did remember one thing that always stuck with me from Loveline is nobody, including Drew, but the producer and whoever's engineering and whatever it was would ever even smile at any joke I ever made. They were not allowed to. I mean, Anderson I don't think would have it. No one wanted to see him storm out of the studio, you know, But Drew wouldn't make a face. Drew and producer Anne, like, I don't know what her first language is, but she did not like anything I ever said. Like, it was in a decade. I never got. You should write that down. Or, oh, that was a good one. Or did you just think of that? Like it wouldn't matter. Some stuff was good. And she just never, never. And neither would Drew. Drew would just sort of sit there and it was funny. I was.

[Giovanni]

To his credit, Anderson would laugh at you sometimes and then get mad at himself for laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Even just spontaneous, like when you sneeze and fart. He didn't mean to. It just slipped down. So we had somebody call in, and the person called in and they said, I'm allergic to latex condoms. And Drew said, why don't you think about an animal skin condom? And she said, I don't want to use an animal skin condom. And Drew said, why not? And I said, she's a vegetarian. And Drew just sat there with the normal, well, then you might want to think about other contraceptives. And everyone just did what they did. Mount Rushmore of Mount Rushmore's, and nothing. And I just said, hey, fuck you. That was funny. And he was like, what? Huh? And I was like, that was a good little pun there, like, right on the spot. And he was like. And it was like everyone was nothing. And I said, fuck, you know what? Call Jimmy Kimmel. Cause I just. I bet you we'll call Jimmy. And if I lay this out on Jimmy, you'll get a laugh out him, and it'll show you guys that people with a sense of humor would appreciate this stuff. And they're like, I don't know. So we called Jimmy up, and Jimmy just picked up the phone, and I Said, all right, Jimmy, here it is. I'll just lay it out. And I just laid it out and did it. And he got a big laugh out of it. And then he said. So he said something that made me laugh, which is he said he likes puns. And he said the one he laughed at was, we were with the Juggies in Jamaica. I think it was a great scam. We would always say at the end of the year, we got to do a big extravaganza, man, show thing. Let's get together all the juggies and go somewhere, you know, exotic. And I'd always. Now me, I'm always the guy who just wants to go home. But I was like, fuck it. We'll go stay at Ian Fleming's estate in Jamaica with the Juggies. That sounds like fun. And Jimmy's big pun joke with me is one of the Juggies, like, was in her bikini and, like, slipped and cut her shit on some coral or something. And I asked her if she wanted me to put a little jack teen on that. That was. Jimmy got a big fat laugh out of that. I have no recollection of that.

[Giovanni]

Good thing social harassment laws don't exist overseas.

[Adam Carolla]

We're in international waters. Yeah, but it was funny, that. Not funny ha ha, but funny. Interesting that Drew never. He would never stop. No one would ever stop. I think there was one time when Mila Kunis was in there.

[Giovanni]

Independent. Independent third party.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And she was a guest. Yeah. And she was on that 70s show.

[Giovanni]

I think she was there with. Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

And Drew kept saying to her, get me on that show. Get me on that show. I want to be on that show. I want to. He's such a ham, you know, I want to act on that show. And about the fourth time he said it to her, I said, I sound like a dick. But I said, leave her alone, Drew. She has no power. She's not a producer. She doesn't run the show. She's just one of the cast members on the show. She can't get you on the show. And she's like. Drew's like, I want to get on that show, and you can get me on that show. I said, that's like going by a firehouse and asking the dalmatian for a gig as a fireman. They have no power. And he was like. She now realized, in hindsight, it felt may have been a little insulting, but a good metaphor. And you can see how it would have been construed as insulting if you're.

[Allison Rosen]

Looking to be insulted more years Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think anyone on that. I cannot think of a show where there was a bigger chasm between audience entertainment and staff entertainment. Oh, wow. It'd be pretty tough because I feel like other shows, you know, when Howard Stern is rocking and rolling, Artie Lange would be laughing along with it, or so would Baba Bowie.

[Giovanni]

Well, Jackie's laughing the background, so he's the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that just meant it was his joke. Oh, okay. That meant you could always tell.

[Giovanni]

That's a good strategy.

[Adam Carolla]

Jackie slid the joke over and then would overdo it on his joke, but.

[Giovanni]

I never knew that. Well, that makes sense. It's perfect sense.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't say it was every time, but you could kind of tell if one was a six and you heard Jackie laughing his ass off. Probably. Pretty good chance that was his six. See what I'm saying? Makes sense now.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But makes sixth sense. Yes, it's good. Should I get Ann in here not to laugh? Or Anderson or Drew?

[Allison Rosen]

But Drew now laughs, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He kind of does now. Yeah. It took him. Took him a long time to figure that one out. All right, we will bring in Brad Williams, who we love so much, and we'll do that right after this. One of our favorites. Brad Williams in studio about last night, co hosted with Adam Rayes. Boy, I got to tell you, I had to flip a dwarf and find out who I liked better. Brad Williams. Adam Ray. I fucking love both of you guys, man.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I mean, we. We. And we get along together, and I think that's what makes the podcast work, so. But thank you for being so supportive and always having us on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's available on itunes, and what else can I say? It's peanut butter and chocolate. How can you go wrong with these two, Brad?

[Bald Brian]

Jew and midget is usually a great combo. It's right after peanut butter and chocolate. If a cannibal could have a Jew midget sandwich, they would totally be about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Or mouth to God's ears. So you just got back from Brazil yesterday? Yeah. And you went there for the World Cup?

[Bald Brian]

I was there with your friend and mine, Kevin Rider of the Kevin and Bean Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

We went out there together, saw four games, went to five cities, got mugged. It was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

You got mugged?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, but I was warned that I was gonna get mugged.

[Allison Rosen]

By the mugger?

[Bald Brian]

No, I was warned by the Brazilian consulate. When I went to get my papers and all that, they said, just so you know, you should have a fake wallet and a fake cell phone on you. For when you get mugged, not if you get mugged.

[Adam Carolla]

When you get mugged you can throw it like throwing a tennis ball for a dog and they'll go chasing after it and you can make your escape. Can I say this? When the consulate, you know, whatever piece of shit country you guys are listening in right now, when your own people have to give people a laundry list of shit not to do in your country, like hey, don't drink any of the. Certainly don't go out after the street lights come on. If you do, definitely stay in a crowd. Like when that list gets about as long as Ron Jeremy's cock. Maybe it's time for you to stop and re examine your country just a little bit. When you're giving lots of. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody's staying in your house and you're like, listen, don't try the hot water in the entry bathroom because that. And you gotta jiggle the fucking can the commode because the toilet over.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't go out after 5pm or before.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if you're gonna shoot, you gotta wipe your ass with just a handful of goose down. Don't try toilet paper because that's gonna clog up the. When that list takes 15 minutes for you to deliver. Maybe it's time for you to go around the house and take a good look about fixing the place up just a little bit. That's all I'm saying.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, but I'm glad they gave me the advice because it happened.

[Adam Carolla]

So what happened? So you and Kevin, of Kevin and Bean are out there.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How did that marriage begin?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, of me? Of me and Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean Kevin is an interesting guy in that he likes to go out, he likes to explore, he likes it just sort of set out and do all that kind of stuff.

[Bald Brian]

He certainly did. Well, my brother in law is on the board of Kevin's charity, the Friends and Helpers charity. And so. And we're all soccer fans and we just sort of got all talking and we. This is two years ago that we decided to do this and we. And we did it and yeah, it was a blast. It was a blast to go with my friends and see and see another country and see. It really makes you appreciate American hookers too.

[Adam Carolla]

It really does.

[Bald Brian]

Because I mean now there must have.

[Adam Carolla]

Been piles, piles of hookers. Like they're bringing them in on pallets and forklifts. Right?

[Bald Brian]

I don't know what the name is for a group of hookers.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it like a murder of hookers Yeah. I don't know. It could be a pod.

[Bald Brian]

Could be a pod of hookers. Gaggle, a swab, maybe that. A cunt of hookers. I like that one. And you know it. Buy American people. That's what I'm trying to say. Because you go out to the other countries, and in. In the end, these hookers are on Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro, and they're standing right next to the Brazilian supermodel with the huge ass and the big titties in the thong bikini. And they're right next to that going, hey, hook me up. Why don't you want to sleep with this? Like, because you're standing next to a supermodel, like.

[Adam Carolla]

But how do you. It's weird.

[Bald Brian]

You're not gonna choose the hooker. You're not gonna choose the rump steak when the filet mignon is right there.

[Adam Carolla]

But how do you. Well, first off, you may not get into that dining car where the. Where the filet mignon is being kept. I mean, that could be Leon Leonardo DiCaprio's plate that he queued up.

[Bald Brian]

Damn height requirement.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying there's no guarantees. The rump steak, at least you know, you're getting sustenance. That's right. You know, you're going to be with a full belly. Jizz, but a full belly. But either way, no guarantees with the models. But also, it strikes me when you're in Brazil and everyone is wearing a thong back, you know, the fucking surgeon general's wearing a thong back walking down the street. How do you. And everyone's wearing wedgie, you know, stripper wedgies. How the fuck do you figure out who this. Who the hookers are in Brazil, isn't everyone. I mean, how do you differentiate that?

[Bald Brian]

It's pretty much the ugly ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. They're the hookers if they're on Copacabana beach and they come up to you. Because I imagine that the hookers in Vegas probably had this same problem where, like, now it's kind of the point where you go to Vegas at night and you can't tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Everyone's slutting it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's like. It's like. It used to be easy if you wanted to back in the day, like, you're shooting a bad episode of Beretta. You needed a biker gang. Well, just find me a guy with a tattoo and a beard. Find me. But all you need was a guy. Find me a white guy with a tattoo. He's a biker for sure. He's got a beard now. Everybody fucking pussy's got a tattoo and a beard and whatever. Every hipster. Like, we've all just become one thing.

[Bald Brian]

How pissed off are actual sluts on Halloween?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Like, everyone's dressing up and they. And they got a black bra on and they're saying, oh, I'm a slutty nun. It's like, come on, that's my territory. I'm supposed to be the whore.

[Adam Carolla]

So what? So they come up to you, as in their ugly.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what do they say?

[Bald Brian]

They mean, I, I, we must. They must have known that we were Americans just walking around. Like, we must just have that American vibe. I don't know what the American vibe is, but we must just be sweating it out because they would, they would come up and just start saying, you know, hey, you know, 200 for a good night, 150 for a good night. And I don't know. And I would look at these hookers, and in my head I'm going, I would pay 200 not to. Like, that's a good night to me. Like, if, like, I'm 30 and if you to. My idea of a good night is going home, seeing, you know, watching a movie on Netflix and beating off and going to bed. Yeah, that's a great night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, also, as I've said, you know, the car wash charges extra for vans. I feel like you should get a break. Like, if. I'm just saying, it's 150 bucks for Brad Williams and Ralphie May. You know what I mean? Come on now. The car wash got it right.

[Bald Brian]

Well done.

[Adam Carolla]

The Miata's cheaper than the fucking van.

[Bald Brian]

Darn right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I, I would offer a discount.

[Bald Brian]

That'S going into the. That's going into your next book.

[Adam Carolla]

A non group discount.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Yeah, this is the, the, say the same one. You would charge more. The same way you would charge more for a gang bang if a midget's plowing you. And I use the word plow very generously. Yeah, we should absolutely get.

[Adam Carolla]

I would give you a break. I would.

[Bald Brian]

Us and Asians.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

It's not gonna hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

I would give you a break. That's perfect. So there you are on the beach, a lot of hookers. Now, how do you, how do you get rolled?

[Bald Brian]

Is that, is that slang for mugged?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam is very street.

[Adam Carolla]

I watch Beretta. I understand. I know street talk. Rooster told me.

[Bald Brian]

He's saying rolled. I'm like, I didn't take any ecstasy while I was There.

[Adam Carolla]

Roll. This is. That's what they do to you on the street when they take your watch.

[Bald Brian]

Well, and you would know being from North Hollywood High and all that that was coming home from a game in Manaus. And Manaus is a city that's right on the equator. So it's pretty much a ghetto that they decided to have this soccer games in. And they built the stadium from nothing. They couldn't even drive the parts there. They had to fly the parts of the stadium in and then have them come down the Amazon river. So it's really just a jungle that they decide to have a game.

[Adam Carolla]

How many stadiums? And by the way, my theory a few weeks back was the closer you are to the equator, the less shit you build.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the less durable goods come out of your country because it's hot and you have no beach and you're fine. Nobody on the equator builds a fine automobile. Right. Doesn't. It just doesn't exist. Yeah, I don't know that the equator or anywhere near the equator produces a fine automobile.

[Bald Brian]

I think they go for the same philosophy with the hookers as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the closest you get towards the equator, I don't think you get a good washer dryer set out any place near the equator. Or refrigerator with a slide out freezer in the bottom drawer.

[Giovanni]

A good parade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you get parades in hookers.

[Bald Brian]

But then you have the other line where you go so far away from the equator that it starts going in the other direction.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the sweet spot. You need the sweet spot of right in Michigan. It's just cold enough to make some good cars. Yeah, but not so hot that we want to go out and sun our asses on the beach.

[Bald Brian]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we're.

[Bald Brian]

So we're coming home from this game and this guy, we're trying to wait for a cab and this guy comes up and he must have seen me and thought like, well, it's like the gazelle with the limp, you know? I mean, like that. That's the one that I can get.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bald Brian]

Now, I don't know if he thought that I was gonna have a lot of money. Yeah, exactly. Like you're like you're going big game hunting. You know what I mean? Like go out there, if you have a beagle's head on your wall and saying, yeah, shot that beagle dog from 100 yards. That's not very impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. There's a part where it's like, oh, they hit the old lady and took her purse away. And you Go. Well, that's not very noble, but they've given up dignity. They're criminals, you know, Maybe they just want the easiest purse to grab. And if Brock Lesnar was standing there, they'd be like, maybe we'll find an easier wallet to get than Brock's.

[Bald Brian]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

So are you there with Kevin?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I'm there with Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin's a decent sized guy.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. But they've gotten. They went on ahead to try to.

[Adam Carolla]

Get a cab, so.

[Bald Brian]

So I'm, like, kind of left by myself, and I'm sort of wandering up, and this guy just sort of wrapped his arm around me like he was my buddy. And then he kind of whispers in my ear, and he kind of puts the gun up next to my rib cage, and he just goes, hey, you know, give me your wallet. Give me your phone. And thankfully, I had the fakes on me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did get the fakes?

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Oh, I got them. I had them ready. And I'm almost like that guy that's, like, been. Been taking Brazilian jiu jitsu for, like, 30 years, and I'm just now getting into a fight. It's like I've been waiting for this moment. I was smiling as I got mugged because I knew I had the answer.

[Adam Carolla]

What is a cell phone worth on the brown market? Whatever they got over there. Yeah, the sort of caramel colored tan market over there. I mean, I just feel like, okay, if you have a brand new iPhone, that's. That's fine. But. Yeah, short of that. Is there that much? I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

But he wanted it, and so I gave him my phone. And at the same time, I'm laughing because before I left, as soon as I knew that I was gonna have this fake wallet and the fake cell phone, I turned on this fake cell phone and I loaded it up with cock pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's great.

[Bald Brian]

All my cock. So he has nothing but cell phone.

[Adam Carolla]

But dwarf cockpits and does, like, the wallet have the cardboard fake credit cards that come with a wallet?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it had that. It had, like, pictures of the family that obviously wasn't mine. Like, they're black. And you're like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this for those who are listening, who produce wallets for a living? We don't need the fake cardboard credit cards in there to purchase the wallet. That's what goes. Yeah, what do I do? Put a toaster oven in this goddamn thing? Like, what goes in this? I've never. You've never seen me trying to climb into one of those slots or go, jesus, what, do I put road flares in here? Like, we get it. The credit card goes in there. We'll do that math. Thank you very much.

[Bald Brian]

I'll occasionally try to stuff a condom in there, but that math gets done very quickly.

[Adam Carolla]

Wallet should come with the fake cardboard condom. So it should. You pull the wallet out?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he want to look inside the wallet?

[Bald Brian]

No. They're getting in, they're getting out. They don't want to get discovered because there was a large military presence there and a large police presence. They obviously did their job with me. So I just gave. I just gave him the fakes. And then he ran off and I'm just giddy and someone, like, walks up to me. He's like, what happened? You were just mugged.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's got the fake. He's gonna see dwarf cock pictures.

[Bald Brian]

And you're trying to explain that, like, in Portuguese. It was really weird.

[Allison Rosen]

What, the fake phone is actually a fake phone or just a cheap phone that's not your phone.

[Bald Brian]

It's a phone that I've had for four years.

[Adam Carolla]

It just.

[Bald Brian]

Like, when I got my new phone, I just kept this one.

[Allison Rosen]

So they don't actually make fake phones for this?

[Bald Brian]

No. So if you should. Yeah. If you have an old phone or. I mean, you can go to, like, a cricket or something like that and get a phone for, like, 20 bucks or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, so fake phone, fake wallet. Yeah. And then how many different stadiums did you go to?

[Bald Brian]

We went to four different stadiums. We went to Manaus, Recife, Belo Horizonte and Rio.

[Adam Carolla]

And what was the biggest, most. What was the most raucous crowd you went to by far?

[Bald Brian]

We saw Brazil play Chile in a knockout game, and Bella Horizonte sold out. And Brazil fans watching Brazil is most unreal experience. I saw so many grown men crying.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

Like, just like when? And not even when something like, not even when the end result would happen. Like, if a guy would miss a pass, they would just wail like, like a heavyset woman of color at a funeral. Just.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bald Brian]

And then they just start crying. And like, my team.

[Adam Carolla]

My team.

[Bald Brian]

It was nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

What I. You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Bald Brian]

And the best part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Is that everyone comes to these games dressed as the stereotype of their country, which I love, because everyone says, you know, stereotypes are wrong. Don't do it. Don't judge, whatever. Like, you go to a game with Germany. Oh, yeah, exactly. Like, you go to games, would see Germany, everyone's in lederhosen. Mexicans have the bandolero and the sombrero on Japan Fans come dress as a car accident. It's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

And they clean up after themselves. At least the Japanese do. They did. And that sounds. Besides the mugging. And even the mugging was a nice mugging. Sounds pretty fucking magical. It was. And so how many days were you there for?

[Bald Brian]

We were there 10 days.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you have extended your stay if the US had not gotten knocked down?

[Bald Brian]

Kevin from Kevin and Bean show and my brother in law actually did. I had gigs to do. I went home and they stayed an extra day and watched USA get kicked out by Belgium.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. What? Just. And so your thoughts on the country overall?

[Bald Brian]

The country? Brazil.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

I mean, you definitely saw the poverty lines in terms of the people in the favelas and the city structure. Like, we were on a bus coming back from one of the games and they had a flash flood and we had to stop and just. We couldn't move for three hours. We were stuck on the bus for three hours because they had a flash flood. We're seeing cars floating by and people, like, starting to do makeshift boats. And this happened in a matter of minutes because of being in the Amazon and everything. So, like, the nice parts of Brazil are very nice. The hotels and where the tourists go was great. Copacabana beach in Rio is unbelievable. The Christ statue and all that, it's great. But there's definitely dramatic class differences. Like, you make one turn and then it's just. It's not pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It sounds like a really fun and interesting trip. I've. I've hit the road with Kevin a couple times myself, and he's an easy guy to travel with.

[Bald Brian]

He is. He's great. He got absolutely wasted one night and that was.

[Adam Carolla]

I find him to be super boring to eat with. He's like, literally, like, he'd be like, is there kfc? And I'm like, come on, we're in Seattle. Let's go down to the fish market and go, there's no kfc. Like, he's that kind of. That kind of eater.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. I mean, he was happy with, like, we, like, we were like, oh, we gotta get some food one time before going to an airport. He's like, nah, they got food in the airport. And then we go to the airport and they literally just had cheese sandwiches and not the nice kind. This isn't a restaurant in the airport. So we're like, oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, there's part of me that kind of appreciates it, but when you're traveling, the food is half the. Half the allure.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And sampling the local cuisine and everything. And the guy who's looking for the KFC always drives me nuts.

[Bald Brian]

To his credit, he ponied up one night, and we went to this restaurant in Rio that was a seven course meal that was like. And we walk in and there's a guy putting whipped cream inside liquid nitrogen.

[Adam Carolla]

To, like, make that dessert.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It was so good. And we're seeing this really expensive stuff all around. We're like, this is gonna be amazing. And so we sit down for the meal, and they first bring out this tiny plate that has a small white disc on it. And we're like, okay, well, this is cool. And then they come with water, and they pour it on the disc. And then the disc grows. It just grows right there. Like, oh, that's fucking sweet. And we're all looking at each other like, this is gonna be great. And I grab it and I pop it in my mouth. They're like, what's it taste like? I go, well, it tastes like a hot towel, because that's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

We were so uncultured that we had the hot towel, and we were just so anxious. And, yes, they were laughing at me, but they were all about to do the same thing, so we couldn't really laugh at me. So I'm just chewing on hot towel.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I. I just got back from Napa. We just had this conversation with Jimmy and cousin Sal and Dickie from the Boston's. Daniel, a few other guys like that. And cousin Sal ate the rock salt patty that the half oyster shell was sitting on. Now, to be fair, it was Napa, and we were dying for food because they have nothing but food there, but they have no food there at the same time.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, because you're just chugging wine and eating crackers.

[Adam Carolla]

Please give us something to eat. And he started eating into this brick of salt. And, yeah, they don't make a clear delineation between what's edible and what is garny.

[Giovanni]

I did the exact same thing around the time of my wedding when they handed me pink Himalayan rock salt. Hands all this at the table. And of course, I was like, great. Right in the mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I may have been radiated, but when a chef hands you something at a fancy restaurant, it's pink Himalayan salt. Fuck yeah, I'm gonna eat that.

[Adam Carolla]

You eat it.

[Giovanni]

That's decoration.

[Bald Brian]

And you're, like, chewing on it, trying to be like, well, it's not good. It's an interesting flavor, but it's really expensive, so obviously it's gotta be good.

[Adam Carolla]

Nope. Towel all Right. I'll tell you what is good. Fresh Books, man. Millions of entrepreneurs and small business owners have discovered fresh Books. Building a business. You want to turn it from a hobby into a business. You want to go full time. Do like I did with Mangria. You'll need yourself a little fresh books. Create professional looking invoices. Track your time capture expenses. Real time reports just a couple clicks away. And again, why pay some fancy accountant to do this for you? You can use Fresh Books and you can work from anywhere. Use it on your mobile app. By the way, they have an app, so you can just use it on your phone. Use it on your real phone, not your fake Brazilian phone. Use the real one with the pictures on there. Yeah, try it. Free 30 days. So here's what you do. GetFreshBooks.com GetFreshBooks.com Enter Adam Carolla in the how did you hear about us? Section and you can try it. Free for 30 days. That's fresh books dot com. All right, Allison Rosen. Let's do a little news, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison now. Allison now. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison now. Allison now.

[Bald Brian]

Who that sexy voice?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so a number of updates in the story about the 22 year old boy who died in the hot car. The guy month old? Yes. Did I say year? Yes, 22.

[Bald Brian]

He was a frat boy passed out drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

You're 22, it's on you. Sure, but months, not your fault.

[Allison Rosen]

20 months old. This whole story is turning into like porn for Nancy Grace.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I forgot about it. Yeah, the worst kind of porn.

[Allison Rosen]

So a judge denied bond for the father, saying he will stand trial in the charges against him. There was a probable cause hearing on Thursday and police testified that Justin Ross Harris, as a father, was sexting with several women on the day of his son's death. And there were two life. It does not look good for the guy. There were two life insurance policies on his son.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, two life insurance on a 22 month old.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that weird? One for $2,000 and one for $25,000. The district attorney said that Harris was in an unhappy marriage and wanted, quote, a childless life. The police detective my parents wanted to.

[Adam Carolla]

Say, but they didn't kill us, they just neglected us.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, well, let's ignore they were unhappy.

[Adam Carolla]

And wanted a child's life too. Yeah, about it that way.

[Bald Brian]

I'm fascinated that you say he was sexting because, like, did he continue the sexting after? You know what I mean? Like, it's like. Talk about a boner killer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, I'm so hot right now.

[Giovanni]

Like I'm inside of a car.

[Allison Rosen]

One of the photos that he sent was his erect penis and he sent it to a 16 year old, so there's that too. So he's got great judgment.

[Bald Brian]

He did want children just that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jeez.

[Allison Rosen]

He had visited a subreddit about people who die, which shows videos of people dying from suicide, executions, war, etc. He also visited a subreddit called Child Free and searched the Internet for, quote, how to survive in prison and quote, age of consent for Georgia.

[Giovanni]

Let's wait for all the facts to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Listen, can I say this? The guy had a semi white collar gig or did he not?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he worked in the corporate office for Home Depot.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so he's around.

[Allison Rosen]

He was a web designer.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Web designer. That's what I'm about talking. I mean, he knows computers, he knows the Internet. He knows firsthand that when you get busted for something like this, the first, they just confiscate your computer. Now, no matter what, if anyone goes out on a half day boat out of Long beach to go after perch and bonita and somebody drowns, they confiscate the guy's computer. The first move of all law enforcement. I think they just want to look at free porn, but they confiscate your computer. That's what they do. They want to look at your computer.

[Bald Brian]

Never Google the crime you're about to commit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So as the guy who does the web design, who's allegedly trying to figure out a way to get away with this crime, how do you fuck that up that badly?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I mean, it sounds like he has a personality disorder or something because apparently.

[Adam Carolla]

I disagree.

[Bald Brian]

He seems like an outstanding citizen of our fine nation.

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently.

[Allison Rosen]

When his wife arrived at the police station, according to the police officer, it was all about him. And he was saying, I can't believe this is happening to me. Why am I being punished for this? It was all very one sided. His wife said to him, did you say too much? The detective said that when he was told he would be charged with murder, he responded, but there's no malicious intent. You know, a normal thing that a distraught father would say.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

They were using past tense.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so the wife seems like it seems like it.

[Allison Rosen]

If she was saying to him, did you Say too much. And also there's some surveillance video which, and now this is, you know, it's not cut and dry, but surveillance video which apparently shows him like trying to work himself up like rubbing his eyes and huffing and puffing and stuff in one of.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I ask you, this is intensive. Is this gonna sound on this show? Yeah. Can't you give away a white kid pretty damn easily in this country?

[Bald Brian]

Like it seems like 22 month, there's.

[Adam Carolla]

Always a nice demand for young blue eyed boys. You know the guys, you know, 22 months old, not even two. I mean, aren't there a kajillion families that are just like, oh man, I was gonna have to go to China and get a chick. But hey, a white boy here apparently has an accent.

[Giovanni]

He can't even say Roll Tide.

[Adam Carolla]

This is great. This is awesome. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like now it doesn't make any sense, but unless they're just crazy, how do.

[Adam Carolla]

You give away the kid? Like see that's the thing, like there's plenty of demand for the 22 month blue eyed kid. There's plenty of pent up demand for that kid. But as the parents Craigslist, what do you do? Just show up at, you know, the firehouse and go like here you go. Do you have a wicker basket? Like what, how's that one work?

[Bald Brian]

I think, are there bins like they have for goodwill on the side of the road?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's the other drive through. Yeah, yeah, it's the other end of.

[Giovanni]

The equation that's messed up because you, you can't go from a child, a life with a child to childless and explain that to your friends and family. That's what you're saying? Oh, like you can't have a 22 month old. Hey, where's your house? The kid? What kid? Like that's the part that you can't pull off. You can off a kid.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we, we weren't feeling it so we just dropped him off.

[Giovanni]

I know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know the story. So many levels.

[Adam Carolla]

He's playing AAA ball. He's in Cuba right now. He'll be back.

[Bald Brian]

He's on a mission.

[Allison Rosen]

Put your kid into foster care though. If you're not up to the task of. I mean it seems wrong, but I feel like I've heard of that happening.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like we've, we realized that if you're like single junkie mom, you can go drop your kid off at the firehouse.

[Bald Brian]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But gainfully employed, married couple Web designer for Home Depot. Web designer from Home Depot. I feel like the fireman's gonna be like, whoa, hold on there. That's a pretty nice minivan. Yeah. What is that? Where are you going? Like, what? What's up?

[Bald Brian]

Is that paid off?

[Adam Carolla]

It is. What the hell? Yeah, you got the fucking pink slip. Wait a minute. Get back here. I don't know how that works. And Brian's right. There's a certain stigma attached to giving your kids away as far as the in laws go and folks like that. People may have questions.

[Giovanni]

There's some explaining you'll have to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But I do feel like there's at least a demand for that product you have. And like I said, junky single mom, go to the firehouse. We all sort of applaud that rather than flushing down the toilet. Right. Like that. We're down with. So I don't know. But again, we do do this thing where it's like, well, the guy dressed up by putting a zebra head on, and then he went to the school and he opened up on a bunch of fourth graders, and we're like, what was he thinking? Well, I think he's crazy. I think this part of being nuts is doing things that would seem weird to you and I. Yeah, we're trying.

[Bald Brian]

To find logic here.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, me and Lynette, we're gonna drop the twins off somewhere. I wouldn't fry him in a car. What would I do with them?

[Bald Brian]

And it's like, well, how would I kill my child?

[Adam Carolla]

Do that?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean, I expected that if it were gonna turn out that it wasn't negligence, it wasn't that he just forgot that there would maybe be a few details that would come out that would make it a little more clear what intent was. But, I mean, this is like a fucking cornucopia of sadistic horrendous. That's what I'm saying. It's like Nancy Grace Bukkake here.

[Bald Brian]

I'm sure Nancy Grace Bukkake is playing at Bonnaroo next year.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, pretty solid right now.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not on the main stage, but.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you know, they're working their way up. Now, didn't this guy come back to the car?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, and then he came back to the car. And.

[Bald Brian]

And he argues that he didn't see the kid in the car when he came back to the car for whatever reason that he did.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he argues that. And by the way, he went and got breakfast with the kid, as was their normal routine at Chick Fil. A And then went to work where he supposedly forgot to drop the kid off at daycare. However, it's like a 30 to 40 second ride. Yeah, it's not as if his mind wandered.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's now seeming pretty clear that the parents now here. He'll be the frustrating part of the whole thing. And this part always drives me insane. We will need the testimony of the wife in order to put this guy away forever. And I don't know why they did this. We're going to figure it out. I think it was the Hillside Strangler did this, but we'll try to figure it out. He had a partner. And every time this kind of shit happens, it drives me nuts. Like, one guy goes and abducts the schoolgirls. The other guy runs the upholstery shop where they torture them and keep them semi animated and alive for three days and rape them repeatedly. And then at some point, the one guy says, hey, do you want my testimony? I can help you put this guy away forever. And then that guy, he gets off. Yeah, because all I did was hold her down while this guy raped her. And then as far as the cops go, I have a better idea. How about you do your fucking job? You don't have enough. Like you need the wife to chime in and go, hey, I can tell you a couple juicy tidbits he did tell me he was thinking about. How about you just do your cop work? Sure, you pretend like the fucking wife was never born and we put him away forever, but instead it'll be one of these things where she gives the. She. She start. She. She'll turn state's evidence on this guy. Then she gets 14 months at a minimum security and two years of probation. It'll be one of those things, you know, like fucking pull them both away. Yeah, okay, I'll tell you what. Fry him and put her away forever. How about that? But instead, she'll agree to testify. And it's like, what do we need her to testify? If we got all we need on this guy, what are we gonna do? You think he's gonna walk?

[Allison Rosen]

There also were some other inconsistencies in the story like he claimed. So witnesses say that he called someone. So he drove to the movies to go to the movies with friends afterwards. And then at some point, apparently discovered the kid, you know, dead in the car and got out. And someone was performing CPR on the kid, and he was on his phone and he called someone to tell them what had happened. He claims that he didn't reach anyone. Though. But witnesses say that he did talk to someone, and then also he told his wife that the boy looked peaceful being taken out of the car. But witnesses say that the boy's eyes and mouth were open and did not look peaceful.

[Bald Brian]

So wait, so then not only did he go back to the car and not see the kid that time, then he came out, got in the car after work, and then drove to the movies and still didn't see the kid?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And cops say that this isn't a.

[Bald Brian]

Quarter that rolled under the seat. It's a fucking baby.

[Allison Rosen]

And it was in a. The baby was in a rear facing child seat and the kid had outgrown the child seat so that it's not like you couldn't see the head over the child seat because they took a. You know, they like approximated this and discovered that you can see the kid's head above the back, above the childhood, the child seat. And he had to revert or he had to back up to get into his parking spot.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he had to look over his shoulder. Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

That's real. Perry Mason Colombo, Jessica for Murder she Wrote stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

What were the Hillside Strangler guys named? They were cousins. One of them copped a. Whatever. We got to figure out if one of those fucking assholes is out of fucking jail. They're both.

[Bald Brian]

One serving a life sentence.

[Adam Carolla]

The other one died in 2002 in jail. Oh, good.

[Bald Brian]

Angelo Buono.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Kenneth Bianchi. Yeah, Bianchi, I think. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Good Paisans.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're awesome. Hear about those, too.

[Giovanni]

I don't know what the story says, but do you know if the computer that they seized and searched is his work computer or his home computer?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Because if it's a work computer, Adam, that might answer your question of why would a web guy not erase his. Blah, blah, blah. He might not have had. He may not have had administrative access because, you know, Home Depot is a huge corporation. They might restrict that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I know the nuts is nuts. Does. But anyway, the guy's nuts. I just.

[Allison Rosen]

They grabbed her computer, too. So I imagine they grabbed all the computers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know that. You know the guy. Oh, the other one. Guys, remember the guy out of Canada who had that.

[Bald Brian]

Wayne Gretzky.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically looked like seventh member of Duran Duran. He got married the last few years, Right. It's been a while. It's probably been 80s, late 80s, I think he got married and his. He kept abducting women and like filming himself torturing them and having sex and blah, blah.

[Bald Brian]

Blah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they finally found the tapes and this, that and the other. But the wife did the. I was scared, you know, he. I thought he was gonna kill me. But she knew about it. She was like there working the video camera stuff. But she got the. I thought he was gonna kill me. There's a lot of mileage you can get from the wife going, I thought he was gonna. But then there's a million and one stories where you just went to the mall alone and could have easily just fucking walked to the police department, walked in and went, by the way, this guy's over here. Well, find that story. You know what it. What it was. Remember those great Dr. Baden things where he was. HBO stuff or whatever it was, and they do those stories about the super macabre, bizarre forensic stuff. Yeah, I think it was. I think it was one of. I think it was one of those stories, but it may have been. It was. The guy was definitely Canadian. It was definitely him filming one of the top. Definitely the top 10 of Canadian serial killers.

[Allison Rosen]

He definitely looked like a member of Duran Duran.

[Adam Carolla]

Definitely looked.

[Bald Brian]

Duran Duran, Canadian serial killers. Is there even a top five, Top three?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you'd be surprised. You know, it's a lot of white folk over there. They're the ones who kind of got the market cornered. Yeah, that's true. Anytime there's snow on the ground and white folks around, there's gonna be some serial killing. The more you know. And Paul Bernardo. Yeah, I think that's it.

[Bald Brian]

Everyone in Minnesota just got nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking wife ended up. Fucking wife just got like, probation or something. It's like she was there and she helped recruit, you know, she'd beat the club and help recruit the women to come back and all that. But she kept saying, I thought he would kill me, you know, and it's like at any point you could have saved five people by just literally not coming back to the car after you went into the market and using your cell phone to call the cops or whatever. All right, well, we'll find out about it, but. Oh, yeah, Kerry Homolka. Yeah. Valvoline, baby, let's go on to happier news. Valvoline. You guys know that they've been around since 1866. They've reinvented motor oil. Every year I use these guys. I use the synthetic stuff because, you know, I'm the Ace, man. 1866. They're an American company. They're owned by Americans. They're the only one. And they've been around the longest. And they got a deal for you for a Limited time, you get a free American flag when you buy five quarts of Valvoline motor oil at a participating retailer. Salute the stars and stripes. Put your hand on your heart. Put your foot on the pedal, baby. It's Valvoline. 140 years under the hood. Go to Valvoline USA.com for more information. That's Valvoline USA.com for More Information. Yo, she got it for manslaughter, but I don't think she did any. We'll find out what she did. But the video show her assaulting some of the victims and having sex with female prostitutes. But they found the video after. Yeah, like, they had videotapes. Here's what drives me insane. They had the videotapes that they would take of her being of this guy raping runaways or whoever. Right? Horrible, horrible things. And then they had the trial. And during the trial, she was like, oh, man, yeah. No, he's an animal. I feared for my own life, but what could I do? He was gonna kill me, too. And then they're like, all right, well, you get manslaughter. Then later on, they found the videotapes. And when they found the videotapes, they found her hanging out, doing some raping and hanging out and helping him as well. And it was like, yeah, but what can you do?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we are. Yeah, we already gave her manslaughter.

[Adam Carolla]

And my whole thing is like, well, I'll tell you what we can do, by the way. It's not like we landed on this planet and there's a whole bunch of laws in place, and now we're being governed by some horrible overlords that say, unless you fucking go by the letter of our law that we laid down 2,000 years ago, there could be no modifications.

[Bald Brian]

Zombie Ben Franklin is.

[Adam Carolla]

Our laws. We get to do what we want. Right? So now we found some videotapes, and then. Don't give me the slippery slope thing. I'll tell you what. Next time you convict someone of a much lesser crime and then you find color footage of them engaging in a much greater crime, then, yes, go ahead and overturn that one as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it double jeopardy that prevents.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it is. My whole point is, why don't we just look at every case on its own merits? And like I said, it's not like.

[Allison Rosen]

The court system's getting much done now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, yeah, they give you this, but what if. All right, that'll be a separate case.

[Bald Brian]

Then we'll talk about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Then we'll talk about that when it happens. Right, so Tammy Hilmalka, or whatever her name was, ended up doing next to nothing. I want to know what the fuck she did time wise. But her husband, now we got to find a picture of the guy because I told you, he was in Duran Duran. He was dismembering. You know, he was doing the guys that keep them in this semi lucid state for days and torture them and then dismember them as like, you know.

[Bald Brian]

You are really stretching the limit on how much happiness a midget can bring. A podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because you're talking about, like, dismembering.

[Allison Rosen]

And tell us again about being mugged.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, let's go back to that.

[Adam Carolla]

The good news is you wouldn't need to be dismembered. They just put you in one sack of cement and throw you over one ship.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they'd like throw me in a sock and beat me up against the wall twice.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm good. One good ankle, one good knee high tube sock, and they toss you in the river, swim over. That'd be it. Right. Whereas Gary, it'd be a long bit of, you know, he doesn't fit in a 55 gallon drum.

[Bald Brian]

No 55 gallon drum. You're giving me way too much credit, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Two liter thing of Sprite, you know, something like that. Sure. Sunny D.

[Giovanni]

Approximate measurements, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously.

[Bald Brian]

Obviously, we're not going by.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's go. Something happy.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Good thing Monica Mehta isn't here. Happy 35th birthday Walkman this week, 35 years ago Tuesday, that Sony revolutionized the way we listen to music. The Walkman, a portable cassette player that for the first time, let us take our music with us without bothering our neighbors, hit the market on July 1, 1979.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Don't you always feel like the black man has been on the vanguard, you know, now with the Dr. Dre earphones? Started with the boombox on the shoulder, right. Went to the walk. I feel like the ghetto blaster. Yeah, we just. We just should agree. We should, you know, if we want to find out what the future of portable personal music is, we just need to get some brothers in a room and go, what's it look like? What are you thinking? 10 years from now? Like, what do you think? We don't want to invent something. Oh, yeah. By the way, there's our serial killer. Wow.

[Bald Brian]

You got him side by side with Duran Duran.

[Adam Carolla]

Very good.

[Bald Brian]

Looking Good pull there, Mr. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And just for A guy, he's doing life in prison forever, I think. But I think his wife must be out by now.

[Bald Brian]

I don't trust that Flock of Seagulls haircut. Never do.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there a disproportionate number of good looking serial killers?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And is it because their good looks allow them to maneuver through society that way?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Because when you look like the guy from the Hills have eyes, it's hard to get runaways to go back to your apartment, back to your lair, try.

[Bald Brian]

To get within 50 yards.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you want a Pepsi Free? Because I know where a cold one is. Like, no, I do not.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, just step into the van. I got some. I got some jerky in here and some mike. And I said, come on. Yeah. When the guy from the Hills has eyes, pulls up in his fucking primer van, you don't get into that guy's van, but when the guy looks like Ted Bundy, you're like, whoa, hey, nothing wrong with that. He spit.

[Bald Brian]

All right, make this happen. Well, yeah. And it just happened. Where? And Alison, you may have done this story, but they put up the guy's mug shot. And I think it was maybe Cerritos or something.

[Allison Rosen]

And I only do stories about outdated technology. I know what you mean, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

This guy's mugshot.

[Bald Brian]

Mugshot McDreamy or something.

[Allison Rosen]

He just got a modeling contract, but he's still finishing his jail sentence. I haven't done that story, but I have seen that story.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. This guy, his mugshot gets put on.

[Allison Rosen]

A Calvin Klein model.

[Bald Brian]

A police website, and it's his mugshot. And people comment on it like, oh, I hope. I hope I'm his next crime. And like, that's what women are commenting on.

[Allison Rosen]

Me.

[Bald Brian]

Meanwhile, a guy comes home from Afghanistan, dove on a grenade, gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, and he can't get pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, ladies, that's what I'm saying.

[Bald Brian]

Priorities here.

[Adam Carolla]

Get in the van. That's what I'm saying, ladies. Get in the van.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary, could you. Or Caitlin, could you find this? His name is Jeremy Meeks. M E E K S. By the.

[Adam Carolla]

Way, she did 12 years. She was out in 05.

[Bald Brian]

Even though she held the camera, never said anything, participated.

[Adam Carolla]

12 years. Well, it's a simple math. Would five of these chicks be alive if she dropped a dime on her own fucking serial killing husband? And the answer is yes. So either way. But yeah, there he is.

[Giovanni]

We didn't do the story.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what he. I don't know what he. What he did to get himself put behind bars for. I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

He has.

[Allison Rosen]

Gang related.

[Bald Brian]

He has multiple felonies, illegally possessing a.

[Allison Rosen]

Firearm, as well as other gun and gang related charges. And he was accused of violating his parole.

[Bald Brian]

And he's got a teardrop tattoo, so, you know, you got to do something to earn that.

[Allison Rosen]

According to his mother, he is turning his life around.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, well, yeah, he's got the money contract. As we all know. Every model is completely well adjusted.

[Allison Rosen]

He really is smizing though, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Tyra Banks thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So. So they throw him up there and he's. And he's good looking and women are like. So he mugged a couple people.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Bald Brian]

So he stole some cars.

[Giovanni]

We.

[Bald Brian]

We all had a phase.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

His mother has started a GoFundMe site to help fund his legal defense, claiming on the site that his tattoos, such as a crip on his right forearm and a teardrop under his left eye, have led to negative stereotypes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna start.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? I'm starting to go fuck yourself campaign. How about that?

[Adam Carolla]

I just love that he must have got caught up in that school to prison pipeline or something. But the teardrop tattoos and the crips thing and the f. The LAPD leads to negative stereotypes.

[Allison Rosen]

So unfair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's so. It's so unfair. It drives me insane. Like, look, if you're gonna fucking get a bunch of tats on your neck and a teardrop tattoo and a crips thing on your forearm, there will be some. You're sending a message, well, look, just.

[Bald Brian]

Because I have this swastika into my forehead, why do you automatically assume I hate Jews?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, the whole deal is, if you get a tattoo and you send no message, then you've done a horrible job of picking a tattoo. Like, why? Or why not just get it on your anus, right? Like, the point is, is you're getting a shit done on your face and you're getting shit done on your forearm so that you can send a message.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I would get a little face so that my anus is the mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You definitely make it do.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I would make it. I would do. I would either do just the flower part and just kind of make that the center. Or I do like a sea anemone. Yeah. You know, but that might take some explaining.

[Bald Brian]

I do a basketball player dribbling the ball and then the ball is the anus. I would do that. Like an action tattoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How about that one? Yeah, it's smart. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, definitely smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Shrewd. I mean, it's shrewder than it is smart. All right, let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenz. Ibet cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bald Brian]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right that the lion's share of the serial killers are pretty easy on the eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

Does seem that way. Or are we just heaping our attention on them because you do? I mean, like, Night Star. Oh, no, Richard Ramirez wasn't too bad.

[Giovanni]

No, he was a decent looking fella.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well. But let me know. Ramirez looked. Well, he looked kind of demented. Richard Ramirez. Well, look, they can always. They always get married in prison.

[Giovanni]

One of those guys had the high cheekbones.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he had high cheekbones, but he was freaky looking. But that's because he was nuts. But the thing about Richard Ramirez is he would break into people's houses and, like, rape them and kill them in their sleep or snatch women. Yeah. Ted Bundy.

[Bald Brian]

Any old guy could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ted Bundy would get, like, hot chicks to finish a term paper form, and then he would kill them. Like, it was like he would, like, pick them up. They would help him out. Like, they'd. You know, he'd pretend he had his arm in a fucking sling, and they'd help him like his car was broken, and they'd give him a hand, give him a ride.

[Giovanni]

And we all know Allison's love for young Ted Kaczynski, who was technically.

[Allison Rosen]

I was just thinking about that. Oh, yeah, no, he was super hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Looked like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive.

[Allison Rosen]

He really let his looks go.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a shame, but young Ted was very easy on the island.

[Bald Brian]

Ted could do it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, look, we could start a calendar.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, we should beefcake.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Mr. February Calendar. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes, definitely. And then, like, you could plot their crimes on the calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I think would be fun? I think it'd be fun to do that calendar and say these guys were all firemen and see how many we.

[Allison Rosen]

Could sell who would be so horrified when they found out.

[Adam Carolla]

See it up in the kid's room. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And see all the women who have had their pulsating shower heads to that calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

And then, like, all the money's going to the victims of 9 11.

[Allison Rosen]

So have there not been any black serial killers?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's. Yeah, there was the guy who recruited the other black kid to shoot everybody.

[Bald Brian]

From the trunk of the fueling DC sniper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Allison Rosen]

My word is bond.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he wasn't bad looking either.

[Giovanni]

I saw the movie.

[Allison Rosen]

He was Jamaican.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. He was. He was fairly easy on the eyes. And definitely, you know, he wasn't this guy with the teardrop tattoo and the piercing blue eyes, but he was like, you know, he wasn't Denzel Washington, but he wasn't fucking far off, I'll tell you that.

[Bald Brian]

I'm worried that when black people do really start serial killing, they'll do it like they do in every other activity and just do it way better than white people.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit.

[Bald Brian]

That's what I'm worried about.

[Giovanni]

The takeover.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna fucking take it over.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like. Oh, just like basketball.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll be the fucking Tiger woods of serial killer.

[Bald Brian]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Shit.

[Bald Brian]

It's gonna happen. People, eventually they're gonna. They're gonna take over everything else.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we'll be talking about all the old records that the white guy, he did 12 coeds for integration be laughing nothing. Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Before blacks picked up the knife. We were doing all right in that department.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to be like all the baseball records before Jackie Robinson entered the league, before I broke the color barrier. Null and void.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, my God.

[Giovanni]

Let's retire someone's number.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Where was that? The belt. The beltway sniper. That guy had a crazy like Muhammad something or something.

[Giovanni]

But he was American though. Yeah, yeah, but the movie, by the way, Isaiah Washington played him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go. That's what I'm talking about.

[Bald Brian]

Good looking dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Good looking dude right there. Yeah. Alan Muhammad.

[Allison Rosen]

Alan can't have been his giving.

[Giovanni]

Jerry Muhammad.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry, John Allen Muhammad. I don't know. It's so by the way, with all the Muhammads, everyone can change him, but we need to find a picture of him. I said the joke a few times, but I was still very proud of myself, which was when all of this was going down. That's a good looking brother right there.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he's good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

He may not be not Denzel Washington, but he could be Denzel Vancouver somewhere that was close enough to Washington.

[Giovanni]

Denzel Tacoma.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's nothing, you know, nothing wrong with him.

[Bald Brian]

He's got the tight hairline. He's doing good.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, that's him after, you know, not shaving.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, That's a rough weekend in the tank. Yeah, I'd like to see him, you know, put together. Don't worry, we'll airbrush him for the calendar.

[Allison Rosen]

For those who are curious, if you type in black serial killers into Google, quite a cornucopia of results.

[Giovanni]

Hope the cops don't find your.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't kill your kid.

[Bald Brian]

I always was like, did you mean White serial killers.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe that's maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't mean like, oh, look at all the serial killers. I mean, there's a lot of people who've dedicated websites to compiling them and making slideshows. That's what I mean. I'm not the first who's wondered this.

[Adam Carolla]

I said on Stern, I remember all this was going down probably. Let's see, must have been like 2002, 2001, I think it was.

[Giovanni]

Later 2002, it was post 9 11.

[Adam Carolla]

2002, it was 02 and Robin was doing it in the news and she was like, people are freaked out because this guy's just shooting people randomly. Like people are at the gas station filling up, they just fucking bullet through the neck. And like most of the time they do this stuff where it's like, well, he's preying on prostitutes. You know, he's going after Puerto Rican prostitutes. And you're like, well, right, right. But when you're just going to the Arco and you're filling up and you get the bullet through the neck, that's freaking everyone out. Sure. So Robin said, what should parents tell their kids? And I said, tell him he only shoots people that don't clean their room. And I meant it. I was like, you'll get a clean room and the kid's gonna walk to school. Not serpentine, just walk to school feeling like, well, I clean my room, I'm cool. And he's not gonna get shot statistically anyway. You'll get a clean room, he'll get a good night's sleep. Fucking win win. It's good goddamn parenting.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I mean, that's a real life boogeyman. Cause that's what parents do with the boogeyman.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, if you don't finish vegetables.

[Bald Brian]

Or whatever, than the boogeyman's gonna get ya. So the kids eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect.

[Bald Brian]

You got the news. Doing your work for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Brad. Done and done. Pet flow. I love these guys. Oh, man, Pets. Food is heavy. Get that big 40 pound sack of kibble, put it in the back of the trunk of the car. You try to dig it out, you throw your back out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, how do I do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what do you do? You gotta carry it on your head like a villager from some impoverished nation, right? Absolutely. Shit. Not fun. Now you go to petflo.com, schedule your pet's food, it's shipped for free and it goes right to your front door. And you can try PETFLO today. And here's how you do it you get 20% off your pet's favorite food. Go to petflo.com ace. They got everything. They got 200 different kinds of health conscious foods there and all the brands to choose from. Why bother with this? Are you out? There's like too much or too little? I got a closet filled with Molly's food because Lynette goes out and buys baker's dozen of cases of this stuff because you don't want to run out because. And then what if something happens to Molly? Now I got to sell all this food on the black market. You're not going to go out at night. Hey, what are you going in the 711 for? You going for dog food? Hey, come out to the van.

[Bald Brian]

I got some, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I got some. I'll cut you a fucking sweet deal on this. Try petflow.com, do it today. Get 20% off your pet's favorite food. Use the promo code ACE. Help support the show and our sponsors. That's PetFlow. All right, Brad Williams, about last night.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is Adam Kulishow, 1360. Coming up next, we have Adam Krulle Show 1362. This one features Gabriel Iglesias, def frat guy Allison Rose and Brian bishop, also from 2014.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. I love the fact that we've kept this pirate ship sailing for over five years now because of you. Good day, Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Carolla, bald brother Brian. I was in my early 50s.

[Giovanni]

Many, many requests for that with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

For today's top drop, well, Gabriel Iglesias is going to be in here. He's in my buddy Hench's new sitcom Cristella. So we'll see how that's going and how that feels. Also, the Defrack guy is going to be on. I got to play a little something from Yoko Ono. Who? Yoko Ono. At the very tip of the top of my pyramid of if they could actually do something, they would have done it by now and they would be doing it. It's my argument with the guy who does spoken word. If he could do what Chris Rock does, he'd be doing what Chris Rock does.

[Giovanni]

Their thing is not a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the performance artist.

[Allison Rosen]

You just don't get it, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

If they could actually paint like one of the masters, then that's what they would be doing. If Yoko Ono could sing, she would be singing. Usually when people can do stuff, they do it. They don't choose to do something insane that annoys all around them. So I'll get to that in a Second, I had a. That's sort of an interesting little thought. One is, my mom came over over the weekend, brought my stepdad, had a little muffin talk, and then I showed them my Paul Newman documentary.

[Giovanni]

Because new Carolla Digital Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Muffin talk, Muffin talk with the Ace man, Muffin talk and a hot mug at Joe Sunday mornings. So the Newman doc is good because I'm not in it anymore. And it's all Paul Newman. And they grew up. Not grew up, but watched Paul Newman movies throughout their life. I guess they're sort of contemporaries of Paul Newman. Like I would be a contemporary of George Clooney. I guess he's. I mean, obviously better looking than he is. No, like, he's a couple years older.

[Giovanni]

But I grew up at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

I grew up watching. I watched all his movies. So if you made a doc about him after he died and I was 82, I'd watch it and go, oh, that guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Especially because by the time you're that age, it really is like, oh, it's one of my pals. Regardless of whether you knew that person or not.

[Adam Carolla]

So I showed my mom the doc. Now my dad basically hugged me and said, if you never do another thing, this will be all you need to do. Which is insane for him. Insane for that man.

[Giovanni]

Be like him yelling, hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Hell yeah. Yes. It was insane for him. I've never seen that reaction from him on any topic for anything at any time. Whatever achievements I've had. Never that ever even close. My mom did this one, and it's one of those very mom moves. And my mom does a lot of these, and it always drives me nuts. She said, not interested in the subject matter. And it still held my interest. Now, here's the thing.

[Giovanni]

That's a compliment.

[Allison Rosen]

It is. But why does it have to be couched that way?

[Adam Carolla]

I have had the a million times with her. She has started every sentence with, I'm not interested in. Well, first off, you really got to break it down this way. There's no dialogue, no documentary where you're, you know, King of Kong. I'm not interested in video games inherently. I don't play a lot of video games. I'm not interested. That's the whole thing about a documentary, whether it's.

[Allison Rosen]

And education in general.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, yes, anything. Any anything. I mean, what are we doing? Coal mining disasters or whatever, you know, some horrible pesticide company that polluted the river and now the kids have down syndrome. Like, yes. What documentaries are for is to get you interested in something you'd never heard of or you weren't interested in that before.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly. What, Dense in subject matter inherently.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because otherwise, what would you watch? You'd be watching documentaries about the USC horse.

[Giovanni]

Oh, traveler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I mean, the horse.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, how many of those are getting made? And the whole idea of documentaries is to. Right. It's to sort of open your eyes to things that you hadn't been aware of before.

[Giovanni]

But fine, I'll watch one on the Fighting Irish mascot.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was. It's a compliment, but it is one of those things also that the. I always thought I was a kid with my wife, though, when I say I'm very much into these things, why must you start the sentence with, I'm not into that? How about you just be a little into it? Perhaps because your son is living it.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's one of those things where I have a feeling if I said it to you, you'd just take it as a compliment, but because as a parent, it just. The whole thing stings more and you take it to heart more, and there's just no way to avoid that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also. It's a. It's a history thing, but it's also a modality thing. It's also. This is how I operate. I never give out the compliment I couch it with. Yes, she has the hang of make it a little bit about me, and then I'll hand it to you. And even then, it's kind of like, I don't like this, but this held my interest. Held my interest is not exactly gushing.

[Giovanni]

It's not going on the poster, but.

[Adam Carolla]

It held Adam's mom's interest. But anyway, she liked it. And that's all she. That's all. That's about as much as she can. That's what she's capable of. For her.

[Allison Rosen]

That is gushing. Yes, it could be. You know, it could go on the poster if it was, like, not even a fan of racing, but I was riveted. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

No, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a way to.

[Giovanni]

There's a really nice way to say that exact same thing, which is, you know. No, I didn't know anything about this. I wasn't really interested in it, but this was a really fascinating. Yeah, there's a nice way to say that. Almost exact same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. My feeling, what I am always most interested in is the lack of interest. That's what interests me the most. It's not the. Like, what I said to Lynette, I said, if you made a really good Vegetarian lasagna. And somebody said, oh, that's great. That's good stuff. That feels about right. You put in half a day. This is a year. And you get the. Oh, that's great. Anyway, where are the kids? Like, there's that part where you don't get the. How long. Where who. How'd you get Robert Redford? How do you get Robert Redford? How do you contact Robert Redford? To sit down with Robert Redford. Like, I would have these questions. I would want to know, what do you do with it?

[Allison Rosen]

You're involved and invested in your kids life, lives.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. If you. Like I said, if you made me a vegetable lasagna that tasted pretty good, I'd say that's great. But if you showed me a doc that you'd made over the past year or so, I would have.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask you a question as a fellow adult who deals with her own relationship with her parents? As you were showing it to your mom, was any part of you like, here we go again. I am making myself vulnerable.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I have a sort of no share policy, just in general as it pertains to my mom and my dad. I don't set myself up for that stuff at all. Like, I don't do the. Oh, now my weekend is ruined. Because once again, I was disappointed. I realize exactly her limitations and capabilities and where they begin and where they end and never expect anything. Anything more or less. And I also know that she liked it. I just know this is what you're gonna get. So it's not a matter of. And you guys don't get into this syndrome where you're pounding your head against the wall trying to get somebody. Trying to get something out of somebody that you. That they don't.

[Allison Rosen]

That they can't. They don't have the capacity to give.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right. That is not the way to go through the adult life. Although every once in a blue moon, someone like my dad surprises me by giving me an insane compliment, which I've never received in any way, shape, or form. I don't even. And I'm not even sure if he knows, like, Jimmy has a TV show. You want to know? I'll tell you one of the weirdest thing about my parents. I met Jimmy Kimmel when I was 30.

[Giovanni]

They're not star fuckers.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoo. I met Jimmy Kimmel when I was 30, and he saved my life essentially, and made everything essentially possible. There's a reason why you're coming to my house versus me going to your house. Because if I had not met Jimmy Kimmel, you'd be coming to my apartment is the way it would work. He's a saint in a V neck sweater. He did everything for me. He's then gone on to host the Emmys and have a very successful late night career. His name has come up a grand total of 0 times in my house, with my parents or their house on any topic. I mean, I could start talking about late night tv, his name would not come up. It's not. How's he doing? It's not. Geez. You hear Jay retired. How's Jimmy doing now that Fallon's on the scene? It's not. When does he tape his show? I have some friends in town, they want to come see. He does not exist. Always on the COVID of Success magazine.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's official.

[Adam Carolla]

It is official. That's this month.

[Allison Rosen]

What Achiever's read, according to the magazine.

[Adam Carolla]

I could literally leave out Vanity Fair that he was on the COVID and they would not. They would not acknowledge his existence. Kind of weird, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's almost deliberate.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that part, like, don't you want to, I don't know, get invited to his next Christmas party maybe? Or like, like, okay, heard he was on there with.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

They have access.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just some. I mean, even if it. Again, not too. Not to schmooze with Clooney, but just to go. It's kind of weird that.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

To go.

[Allison Rosen]

What kind of muffins does he serve?

[Giovanni]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Behind the scenes, your old partner's taken over late night and he is dead to everyone in my family. His name has never come up. And it never comes up now. His. His. You know, when we go to Phoenix, his folks come to the show. I see his folks on Father. I see his dad on Father's Day and all that kind of shit. Dead. Just dead. And then I also think this is, by the way, a complete lack of business acumen. And you think about it and really think about it. Businesses like relationships and networking. Yeah, my. I get a. You know, when my kids, when my twins have their birthday, Baby Doll sends them some shit that he got his assistant to buy online over to the house. It's his. He's a, a good guy, but B, it's good business.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm guessing that's why your dad's trumpet empire will never take off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm guessing when Flugelhorn Productions will never reach its capabilities. It's zenith. I'm sure when Jon Stewart's kid has a birthday, he gets something from Baby Doll too. It's just a little bit of good business to be on the happy side of the guy who's taking over Hollywood. Or push comes to shove, something catastrophic happens and you need 100 grand tomorrow. That's a good guy's good guy's phone number to have in your Rolodex. That guy. No, not interested. Not interested. And do never, never question. Does not care. If he was killed in a dirigible accident and it was all over the news, I don't think I'd get a phone call.

[Allison Rosen]

But they must know. I mean, they have to know, right?

[Adam Carolla]

They know he does late night tv.

[Allison Rosen]

And they know you're close to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but that's where it ends. It's never been discussed. Never? Never. Like, are you gonna go on? Or how's Jimmy doing? Or how's the competition? Or any of the implications of, you know, someone's retiring, somebody's coming into the game. Nothing does not exist.

[Giovanni]

Here's a question. Do you think they're genuinely uninterested? Like, it's just not part of their lives? They don't care. They're oblivious. Or are they actively holding back interest?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not actively.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just. He does not exist to them. Although he should. That's better. I mean, well, in a way it's better, but in another way, it's the ultimate. Like, holding back is something.

[Allison Rosen]

Like the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think when we were in high school and we had a crush on somebody, I think you'd rather have that person know you existed, have some feelings and be sitting on those feelings rather than just, like, who? I don't know that dude.

[Allison Rosen]

I assume everyone goes through life like that about me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they did and do.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Correct. And shall. But what I'm saying is, don't worry.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a lot of responsibility, but I try to be nice about it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he doesn't exist.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but that's strange.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a weird guy. To not exist. It's hard to not exist. He's on the COVID of every third magazine.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. You almost can't help but encounter the idea of Jimmy Kimmel. If your parents, once a month at least, just flipping channels, seeing a promo on stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

He's everywhere.

[Giovanni]

Passing by the magazine rack of the grocery store. Exactly. You must encounter the notion of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Often does not exist. Does not exist. There's no connection between he and I.

[Giovanni]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never been spoken, never been asked.

[Allison Rosen]

So weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Warm and fuzzy and weird. All Right.

[Giovanni]

Did she ask for a book when she came over?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Thank God.

[Giovanni]

Dodged that bullet.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the things I was thinking about. So as we're talking about speaking of documentary, I'm pulling myself out of there and just have it brought to you by Jules Dash so I can get some good ratings and get some good critics. And it was funny. I was kidding about it two weeks ago talking about Jules Dash, my nom de plume, taking over for me and seeing how much better the critics score would be on Rotten Tomatoes if Jules Dash presented this documentary versus Adam Carolla. But it was interesting because I looked on Rotten Tomatoes and Dinesh d', Souza, who came on the show a few weeks ago and was talking about his new documentary, America. I wouldn't call it a great film. I would call it a pretty concise, nicely crafted answer to a lot of the criticisms that we have toward this country. There's a lot of folks that like to beat up on this country because of their past, essentially because of its past and actually current and future as well. And this is. Is one immigrant from India's answer to some of those questions or a defense of some of those critiques?

[Giovanni]

I don't know, Dinesh, could this be construed as a right wing film? Is that how it would be characterized as?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's how it would be. That's how it would be characterized. Although it's insane now that it's basically, here's why the world is a better place because of America, which has now become a right wing thing, which is weird to me because it's just sort of patriotic, which should be shared equally. But it's here's why. And then you realize if like Brazil or El Salvador, Cuba or Dubai or Hungary did a film that was like, hey, this is why Hungary's a great country. It probably wouldn't be getting a zero on the top critics by whatever the Rotten Tomatoes is.

[Giovanni]

What's the documentary called?

[Adam Carolla]

America.

[Giovanni]

It's in theaters.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Or it's out now, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it gets a zero now. The audience gives it an 82, but it gets a zero. I don't know how many documentaries get zero. Wow.

[Giovanni]

Has it ever been done? Documentary gets zero from the critics. And 80 something. 80 plus.

[Allison Rosen]

It's gonna be Souza's other movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Probably has other movies.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a Obama one. Is it 2016?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But then I started looking. I said, I wonder what Michael Moore gets. And I like Michael Moore films, but Sicko gets 90% by the top critics and 87 on the audience. Bowling for Columbine gets 94 on the top critics and 83 on the audience. And then Fahrenheit 911 gets a 83 on the top critics and a 69 on the audience. That's why, if you're coming out with a documentary, I think you'd be better off having Jules Dash make it. Jules Dash make it. So he gets a zero.

[Allison Rosen]

But question. If you were making a. I mean, to compare your documentary to something that's very political in nature, but, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S not very political in nature.

[Allison Rosen]

It isn't.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's just. It's a defense of this country and some of the accusations and allegations, but it's not political. That's the whole thing. I mean, it talks about. About the Revolutionary War and the French writer who came and observed this country. Drew brings him up all the time. I'll think of his name in a second. De Tocqueville. Right. And some of his thoughts on this country.

[Allison Rosen]

Alexis de Tocqueville.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Yes, Alexis.

[Allison Rosen]

You know him as Alexis.

[Adam Carolla]

That is him. That is he. But no, it's not. I wouldn't call. I mean, it turned. Everything turns into political because the guy on this side of the aisle says, we raped the land and took it from the indigenous, whatever Indian population. And then the guy on the right says, well, first off, that population of Indians took it from the last. Populations of Indians who stole it from the last. I mean, they beat them. They went over there and kicked the shit out of them and decimated them. And now it's their tribe's land. But every tribe basically just. Just decimates sort of how every place was founded, Europe and beyond. It's. Somebody came over, took. Kick some ass, took over and squatted it. You know, we've done that, but also we've done a lot of that and then pulling out, such as World War II stuff. So it's not wholly political. It's mainly a defense of a lot of the negative things that are said about this country by the people in this country. But it still garners a zero amongst top critics, which lets you know where top critics heads are at in terms of. Again, if there was any other thing, it's just pro America.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And if it was pro Hungary, as I've said before, I don't think Hungarian critics would give it a zero.

[Giovanni]

I wish I'd seen it now. But if it's not political, as you say, not inherently political, then it might not be very good. I mean, is it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. It's not zero. It's a zero.

[Giovanni]

You're saying it's not nearly that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a zero now. What documentary gets a zero?

[Giovanni]

I can't think of one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all.

[Giovanni]

Aside from Allison says his other movies.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all. That's all I'm saying. Say what?

[Giovanni]

You love Michael Moore. And he kind of rubbed me the wrong way. He makes really good movies.

[Adam Carolla]

I had no idea you guys would be on this side of this.

[Giovanni]

What? Meaning what?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just my argument for this.

[Giovanni]

I haven't seen the movie. I can imagine. It's not very good, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You can imagine. Okay. All right.

[Giovanni]

Why is that funny?

[Adam Carolla]

Because he. Cause you haven't seen the movie.

[Giovanni]

Okay. Should I not say anything then?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you give your opinion. I like Michael Moore. I said I like Michael Moore.

[Giovanni]

I was only saying that the American movie, it can't be very good if it's got zero. Unless it could be.

[Adam Carolla]

It just could be.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I think Adam's argument.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not going to the right people.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Is that the top critics are showing their hand politically in that they're giving their.

[Adam Carolla]

70% of the audience loves the movie. Okay, well. But you could also argue. Well, that audience wants to go see that movie. True. They can make that argument for Transformers or any or just about any other movie. Now, the truth is somewhere in between. It's not a great movie, but it's not a zero. It's. I liked it, but I like. I'm sort of pro this. And I agree. I don't like all the bad. I don't like the beating up of America. That's what I'm saying. I don't mind the truth. I don't like owning. I don't mind owning the past, but I don't like the constant kicking the shit out of ourselves. And again, compared to what other cultures that have come before us or are currently on the planet now. You know what I'm saying?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's basically saying that America is a force for good. Even though we've done some shitty things, it's good that we have America sounds like. Basically.

[Giovanni]

It sounds like a point of view that's not in a lot of documentaries. I will say that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it is. It is not. But it also goes to show what, as Alison said, who's reviewing these? Who you got to deal with. And now think about your topicality and think about who's bringing it to you. Poor Jewel. So you make one about how fucked up our health care system is. You're in Pretty good shape as far as the critics go. You make one about how well there were black guys who owned slaves, too. And you're not in good shape in terms of the critics, but it was funny that I just got into Jules Dash a couple of weeks ago, and now the chickens have come home to roost with a big fat zero on Dinesh d' Souza's poor movie. Anyway, I enjoyed it, and I think if you like this country, you'll probably enjoy it as well. Audible.com audible.com, leading provider premium digital spoken audio information and entertainment on the Internet. And guess what I'm listening to Shrinkage. What? That's right.

[Giovanni]

That can't be right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

You finally finished Bossypants.

[Adam Carolla]

I finally finished Bossy Pants. I'm moving into Shrinkage now.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, the Shrinkage? That's by Bob Bryan.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's about my wiener. God damn it. It's a different one.

[Giovanni]

Who voices it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I fell into a cold body water. It's not that long. Yep. You can purchase individual books or for real savings, you sign up for Audible Listener Program and it gives you book credits every month for a low fee. Over 150,000 titles every genre, fiction, history, romance, mysteries, thrillers, sci fi, self development. I like that. Kids, young adult stuff. And you get a free audiobook and you get a 30 day trial today. You can sign up@audible podcast.com ACE. That's audiblepodcast.com ACE. All right, is DFG on the line? Line two. Hey. Hey. Deaf rat guy.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah. What's up, bro?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

How was your Independence Day?

[Adam Carolla]

It was very fine. I stayed home, I drank beer, I went on a flight.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I love America and I'm not apologizing for jack shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that. That's what I love about the dfg. What did you do for the fourth of July?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Well, the weather wasn't that good, but we did do some tubing. It was pretty good. But then we had the T put his uncle to the hospital because his land is nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's got the prodigious nut sack now. Normally he sits on it and there's a torsion and it cuts off the blood supply.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

But you guys, this was just going across the wake, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So you guys were tubing at the lake and what happened is Nutsack fell through the hole in the tube or something.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Like he bounced up, then when he bounced down, his sack was underneath him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Oh, I see, like, yeah, getting dragged behind the boat must be going Pretty fast.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

He said that this had happened to him, I don't know, 150 times.

[Adam Carolla]

You think he'd learn his lesson somewhere in the high 90s?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

He'd kind of do that thing with that man sack thing, that sack sling.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that? How's that work?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Oh, it's that thing that I patented, you know, where it's like a thing so you don't see it on. You're not.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right, right. So it keeps the nut sack up.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah, the sack sling, patent pending.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was bouncing on the back of the inner tube that was being dragged behind the ski boat. And he was bouncing up and down on the wake and his nutsack fell through the center of the inner tube. And he landed on it?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

No, it. No, it did. We took. He was like going. Making the sign that I want to cross the wake. So we were like, all right. And then he crosses the wake, gets air lands. Then he's like giving the thumbs down. And the dudes that came through it, yeah, they, they came to him. They said his voice was very high pitched, like a lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Yeah. From the nut trauma. So he went to the hospital, but other than that, it was a good. A good weekend.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Independence Day. I love America. I'm apologizing for jack shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I love about you, dfg. So do you have some JV or all balls for us?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hell yeah, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I think we have. We. I think we have a little intro for you. All right, dfg, what do you got?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I told. Oh, okay. Dude, dudes wear. Who wear fray jean shorts on Independence Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? The frayed jeans. Now are these just sort of worn or are they technically worked on and frayed? Are they made to be frayed?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right. No, that's an honest answer. That's all you can give. So frayed jeans, shorts? Well, I'm afraid not. I go with JV on that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, JV all the way. Even if it's on July 4th, there's no excuse for shorts on men. They're cutoffs.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right. By the way, the idea that we went through an entire decade known as the 70s, where cutting off Levi's and then jumping into the lake sounded like a good idea with boxers on underneath. That shit must have been wet for like four weeks after that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine the stench.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, is there anything that's worse than, you know, in terms of laying around and drying yourself than denim?

[Allison Rosen]

No. I mean, it's like jumping in with A dry anchor on you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like burlap is fucking better than that. I mean, just what you want in shorts, like in trunks is something that 10 minutes after you're out of the pool is dry. This is wet all through the fucking weekend.

[Giovanni]

You're encumbered the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And these guys, it wasn't like they changed into their Juicy couture after that. They're wearing the pair.

[Allison Rosen]

They had one pair that night.

[Adam Carolla]

They're sitting on a log roasting marshmallows, watching fireworks in the same funky stinky cutoffs that were still wet from the lake.

[Allison Rosen]

Getting a yeast infection just thinking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

But the good thing is like they're still wet, so if you got the frayed part, they won't catch a spark from the fire.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. It is a safety issue.

[Allison Rosen]

Flame retardant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Dfg, Go ahead.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hey, what about those that take pictures of fireworks on the 4th of July?

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, so instead of enjoying the 4th of July, you're taking pictures of it. You know, I think about that when I go to these kids things and you're watching your kid do this ice skating thing and every parent is watching through the viewfinder in their camcorder and then they'll go home and watch exactly what they were watching. They'll never have the version where they're just experiencing what's going on. And then maybe there's something to not having everything captured and digitized. Like maybe there's something to just that.

[Allison Rosen]

Thing in a moment.

[Adam Carolla]

I did this car race. I put a camera in my car when I do the car race. It's fun if there's an accident or something when we do car cast. But this guy I was racing with, he did something kind of hairy and he was right behind me and then he was right in front of me and it was kind of fun. And I said, you got a camera in your car because you're going to want to see that again or something. And he just kind of pointed his head and he went, it's up here. And he went, that sort of thing. It's like I was there, I lived it. That's enough.

[Giovanni]

I feel the same about people who take videos at concert. It's like just being lost in the music. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking experience. Drop some mushrooms and roll, baby. All right, so we're gonna say jv.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Having all balls.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

What's even more JV are the dudes that win the like NBA title and then they're videotaping it. Or dudes Coming out for the Olympics. And they're. They're videotaping, like, where can we get a copy of this?

[Adam Carolla]

If I don't tape it, I. I agree. You know, I understand when they go, like, they go into the locker room and they want to go. That's the me doing. But there's so much footage from so many different angles. Really, like, how about you just hoist the champagne?

[Allison Rosen]

Never even come out that well. Anyway, hence, I am. I was. For a second, I was gonna say there's an all balls angle of it, which is if I wasn't there to enjoy the fireworks, it's. It's nice for me to be able to see the photos. However. No, they're never good, so it's jv.

[Adam Carolla]

And they never change either.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Giovanni]

The athlete thing, I will say is kind of cool, though, because they have one of only 12, 15, whatever it is. So many perspectives of so many people on earth, whereas there's 50,000 people, you know, in the stands and how many millions at home, they have a very unique perspective on.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I would have JV Perspective.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Right. I would have the three or four guys that did it just email me, and then I would be in the shots. All right, let's do. Let's do another dfg.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

What the bad word? Original Hot candy.

[Adam Carolla]

Werther's Originals. The hard candies.

[Giovanni]

Is this related to Fourth of July?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Taffy All America.

[Adam Carolla]

Are those. Is that the caramel butterscotch or butterscotch? I like butterscotch.

[Giovanni]

Underrated flavor.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like butterscotch has been usurped by passion fruit.

[Giovanni]

Oh, tenfold.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there was a time when there was no such thing as passion fruit. And everything had a. Every other thing had a butterscotchy whatever. And I miss butterscotch.

[Giovanni]

Bring back butterscotch.

[Adam Carolla]

Butterscotch on a Sunday. Wildly underrated. The labeling on the butterscotch.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they even make that anymore?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you, it's fucking sweet. It's nice. Yeah. I don't. I don't know. I feel like maybe caramel sort of. Because they were the same color and the same consistency, they got bumped. It was kind of like VHS and beta. Like, there's not a room. Not room enough for both of you.

[Giovanni]

There's always room for butterscotch on my sundae.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love it. All right, so we're gonna go with the Werther's original. Very controversial. All balls.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good. All right, let's do one more dfg.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Okay, dude, here come the Last two wearing shades during the act in an adult film.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right, guys wearing shades.

[Giovanni]

The man or the woman?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Ooh, the dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the dude. Yeah. Well, if it's the kind of thing, where are they? Prescription?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

No, there's like, you know, white, cool looking shades.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Otherwise white, like, sketchy reflective lens so we have more angles on titties.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, interesting.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Not this like, cool white shades.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Like. Like a way Varnay. The Varnay might have a reflective lens, but no reflective lens. White frames. A distraction. To me, I'm gonna say jv.

[Giovanni]

Unless we're going for a real theme, like they're on the beach, then distraction.

[Adam Carolla]

We all go JV on this one.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

It's all bald, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now why?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

It shows that you, like, got some attitude, especially when you're doing it yourself. You look over at the camera and you're like, hell, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're breaking down the fourth wall with your Varnays on.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, show attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

We're doing pretty good. All right, let's do the last one.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

All right. Dude, what about sticking your finger up your ass and smelling it? No, I'm just kidding, bro. The last one is gorillas having pet kittens.

[Adam Carolla]

Pet kittens.

[Allison Rosen]

Gorillas having pet kittens.

[Adam Carolla]

Showing all ballsiest of them all. Well, we love.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

But the gorilla is wearing an American flag as a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. Well, let me say this. I think it's why we love Mike Tyson and pigeons so much. Because if Justin Bieber collected pigeons, we'd hate it. Be like, oh, fuck you.

[Giovanni]

Now it's the manliest of beasts. Something delicate, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's something like the guy that's so large with something so. So cute. Frail. Yeah. So we like that.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Hayden Panettiere and the Klitschko brother.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Vladimir or Vitaly? Vladimir. Vitaly. Shit. Vladimir. Vladimir.

[Allison Rosen]

According to Gary Hayden's biggest fan. That's Vladimir.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be a big fan of hers, except for I don't know what she does. Guys feel that way. Do we need her?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if I would be a big fan of her even if I knew what she did, but.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, I know she's an actor.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I've been to the Hayden Planetarium.

[Adam Carolla]

I never. I know she's an actress. I just don't feel like we need another blonde actress.

[Allison Rosen]

No, like, doesn't she. Doesn't Kristen Bell do what she does, but better?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, as long as we have Kristen Bell.

[Allison Rosen]

But maybe the spare.

[Adam Carolla]

If something happens to Kristen Bell. We need Hayden Panettiere.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's one heartbeat away from Kristen Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and she's in those commercials where she's washing her face but the water like cascades and she's all made up and all that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how it goes with Maxima.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna go all balls on this one.

[Giovanni]

I'll break off and go, jv, I don't think that gorilla can care for that kitten. Not give it the care it needs. Keep it clean, keep it shots up. This is dangerous.

[Adam Carolla]

Shots up. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you know about Coco and Snowball? If that was its name?

[Giovanni]

Obviously not all balls.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I don't know. Now I'm sort of with Brian. It's like kind of jv, It Could Be Of Mice and Men situation where it crushes it by accident.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, spoiler. Alright, so you're with Brian on jv.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. Dfg.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Dude, do you know all about this? That a real hurricane is coming to the east coast?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I heard about that.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah. Called Hurricane Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Auburn, Maine. Monday on the 14th of July, silky smooth. Tuesday on the 15th, Bangor, Maine. Going to get hit hard. A real reign of Mangria will come to that town. And then Thursday, July 16, we will be in the state capitol. Portland, that's not the state. And we're going to be doing events. So just dudes, check out the Mangria page for these live events we're going to raise. We're going to Revere Beach, Boston, New Hampton, Vermont. All over the place, all over Maryland.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, dfg.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah, dude, you're going to see more tramp stamps, dude, at this thing then. Then you will. Since the casting call from Fantasy Island.

[Giovanni]

It's a lot of trash dance.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I mean a lot of tattoos.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, tattoos. Oh yeah, we got you now. Yeah, now it's coming together. Now it's coming together.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

You will see more tattoos than the cat. I mean tramp stamp tattoos. Never mind, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, dfg. All right.

[Bald Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was JV for all balls with the deaf frat guy. All right, let's see what do we got here? Ah, Gabriel Glacias is here. Let me just take one phone call and then we'll bring Gabriel in. Hey, Sam.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Hey, man. How's it going, Mr. Carolla?

[Adam Carolla]

Good, 26. What's going on?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Oh, got some relationship issues. May be able to give me some guidance on here. Been big fan for a long time, so your word means a lot to me. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

But I've been married for about a year and a half and actually with my wife since we were juniors in high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

And been having a real rough patch in our relationship past three months or so. Bottom line is she asked for basically a separation. Basically, just take a week, think about things, figure out what we want to do with our lives. And this last weekend, she confessed that she had hooked up with the co worker that she warned me she was interested in before we did all this.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Mm.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Basically my question to you now is, do we go the counseling route, try to work things out, or do I, as a 26 year old with no kids and no real huge pull to stay, just cut my losses and say, time to move on, find something new?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's a couple things. You know, women usually, you know, guys cheat because they can't usually. I mean, it's an opportunity thing. You know, you go, why are all these celebrities and athletes, why are they all cheaters? It's like, because they find themselves sitting in a Denver bar and they have a hot floozy come up to them and ask them if they would like to go to the room with them. That doesn't happen to long haul truckers. It's not that. So the opportunity part is the part, like I always say, I don't know anybody who would steal and especially steal somebody's wallet. But then you take the percentage of people, you go, how many people? If they found a wallet with 500 bucks in it and no ID, how many of those people wouldn't remove that cash and keep walking? Like, now you got a large, much larger field to choose from. What are you talking about? That's right. Sonny stole from his own papa. So that to me is kind of the thing. Like, that's why these guys get busted all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

But you were gonna say, but women cheat.

[Adam Carolla]

Women cheat for reasons. Like women cheat because they want to get something and they're not getting it at home. And it's not sex. It's a kind of attention. The attention manifests itself in sexual. From the dude they're working with because that's how he expresses himself. But for them, it's just interest. This person is interested in me. And it's never fair because of course that person is interested in you. That person's never had sex with you. Call me in 12 years when that person's humped you 26,000 times. And then we'll see just how attentive that person is. It's an unfair comparison. It's just. It just is. It's the feeling you have about your car the first day you drive it off the lot, versus the three and a half years into the lease when you're eating fucking chili fries that are perched precariously on the passenger seat.

[Allison Rosen]

Romantic.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I am curious, Sam. I mean, are you still in love with her?

[Deaf Frat Guy]

I've talked to a couple friends and stuff, and they all say that I seem like I want to work it out. I haven't talked to anybody since this, though. I'm really torn at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's the thing too. There's a lot of guys and gals, but I think guys especially who could not get over this if their spouse stepped out on them this way. Women are a little more wired to get over it, and many couldn't. But guys, we're not really wired to move past this. So I think if you're not willing to move past this, number one, it's a waste because you're wasting your time, you're wasting her time. And it's also kind of thing where at age 46, you're much more wired to get past it. Not that you have better wiring, it's just your existing wiring is fucking corroded and rusty and shorted out and you're going to die soon, so you just don't give a fuck.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

That's the thing. Being 26 years old, it's hard to say. Well, you know, there still is a lot more more out there. And that's kind of what got me pulled to say I don't really need to deal with this kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I am. To me, the. The deciding factor to me is the kids. If you told me you had a newborn or a 3 year old and a newborn or something like that, I'd say try to work this out. You say, I've been with somebody since I was 15 or 16 and they cheated and shit's not worked out and we don't have any kids between them. Let's say you take a Mulligan plus on this one.

[Giovanni]

Do you guys agree that Sam's in the advantageous position? He sort of has the moral high ground in the. In the divorce or separation, whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, yes, I bet if we talked to her, she cheated because she knew Sam was already checked out. Like, he does not even sounds like he's got one foot out of there already. He's done checked out, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't score you the points like cheating does in the negative department.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

No, I haven't been around that much and I haven't been that available. But part of that was after my eight hour days of work, I would go and spend five hours on our driveway swapping the car or her engine in her car because she blew it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I know. Listen, here's the deal. Unfortunately, women are not pragmatic, they're emotional. Yes.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Allison Rosen]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

I had. I know. Honestly, I had this conversation with my wife the other day, which is like. I don't know, we were watching one of those shows that makes chicks angry. You know, it's like. And then he hired a skywriter and a florist and he shoved the florist up the skywriter's ass. And they got in this biplane together and I came, could see from the gondolas, we were floating over wine country. And she just sort of gave me the.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like the Bachelor or something?

[Adam Carolla]

It's all those fucking shows. That's women porn. That's their porn, you know. And then Lynette kind of gave me the. You would never ever do that. And I said, that's right. You're not married to that guy. You are married to the guy who put in the brand new bathroom sink, set up and swapped the whole thing out and blew it out and did that in a day and did that myself. So that you do have. You don't get the gondola ride, but you do enjoy the fucking sink in the bathroom. So it's true you don't get that, but you do get this part, but that goes down as a zero and this goes down as everything. Except for that fucking guy with the spray on tan from the fucking wicker basket that he lives his life in is not ever gonna get that shit fixed. And it's gonna get old real fast when you gotta open the phone book.

[Allison Rosen]

You can travel the earth in a gondola.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Different ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Drop the saddle on that stallion.

[Adam Carolla]

Drop you like one of his sandbags one day, baby. One of his many sandbags. All right, so I think we're all just in agreement on this. This guy Sam. Like, no kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Dating for 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Since 15 kind of thing. Let's move on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Someone's going to Long beach this weekend and they want to know where to eat. I have no, no idea. If you guys know, you can tell me. Best gift I ever got. My twins.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And then this really cool picture of me and my car that Jay, my Assistant put on. He grafted onto wood. There's this company that takes photographs and puts it on, like, birch. And you can see kind of the grain coming through, but you see the photograph, too.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that's even more rare than twins.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, any idiot can have twins. Wood picture's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris is from. Chris knows some good place to eat in Long Beach. Says Open Sesame International Shop on Second Street's the way to go. And let's see. Wife swap. Whatever. Do it. No, I just.

[Giovanni]

Celebrity wife swap.

[Adam Carolla]

Celebrity wife swap. Here's the thing.

[Giovanni]

Adds a layer.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I just say this? There are certain. The one thing you do kind of learn in marriage, I do believe, is you start smelling those arguments before you get run over. Like, you can hear that argument train coming down the track so you can move your pickup truck and not get slaughtered.

[Allison Rosen]

Daniel still has mufflers on when it comes to that.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't smell those. No.

[Allison Rosen]

I can totally get him pretty far into the. Like, how do I look in this? Do I look fat? What was your ex girlfriend's physique like, kind of thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I almost want to pull them aside and say, don't answer these.

[Adam Carolla]

The one thing you do learn is, you know, double back. And they're little moments. They're little moments, little tests, you know, little things of. Hey, we got Sonny Natasha's report card back. Just got it today in the mail. All right, well, there you go, you know. No, stop. Stop. Feign interest. Pretend to listen.

[Giovanni]

Your brain's like a computer running the empathy program.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Stop.

[Giovanni]

Listen. Raise eyebrows.

[Adam Carolla]

Scratched chin at appropriate time. Right. Yeah. Don't overdo it with the hmms. But you can use like three and a half, you know, and then move on to watching Lock yourself in den and watching SportsCenter. The little things where you just kind of. The argument train is coming. It hasn't turned the corner and gone through the tunnel yet, but. But it's down the tracks and you can just feel the vibration. You can avoid it. That's right. I would feel like this would be one of those things again. What good could come of it? He's fluffy. He's Gabriel Iglesias. He is in studio. Next. Gabriel Iglesias in studio. Gabriel's got a movie coming out select theaters July 25, the fluffy movie. We'll get into that in a second. I got some of his dates up here. He's doing my buddy Kevin Hench's sitcom Cristella. We'll get into that in a second. First, I was reminded. Good to see you, Gabriel. Thank you. I was reminded that we started the show talking about Yoko Ono. But I got a little clip from her. And I know everyone knows where she's at, but this could be a good clip. This is her. The Glastenbury Festival. And there's. I don't know, it's a pretty big festival. So here's Yoko doing her thing. Nobody.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Nobody.

[Giovanni]

She's dancing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Bon Jovi. She's seen a million faces. Faces. And she's confused them all.

[Giovanni]

I. I wish people could see the audience that we're seeing. They are standing. Stokely.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, if she was Ringo Starr's wife and not John Lennon's wife, she'd be killed. Like, there'd be a. And they're not a court in the land would convict the mob that killed her. Right. Gotta be weird if you're in the band because you have to pretend like you like her or the music.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It's like gum, gum style. Gum bad, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think she's doing it just as she practiced?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you get it.

[Giovanni]

There's a few. There's a couple people nodding their heads, right? But the vast majority is milling about.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. First off, it's. It's virtual. You could play Alvin and the Chipmunks, and there'd be three or four people in the audience high enough to be rocking out for Alvin and the Chipmunks. Like, it's a festival. Like, there has to. Like, if they hear electric guitar with the bass behind it, they're just bobbing their head, right? What the fuck? And then what does she think? And then who does she surround herself with? And could that possibly work for anyone else?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That's a lot of yes people.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm wondering who her backing musicians are, because I bet you they've been in a lot of stuff that we would know, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what happens? Like, does she have to attend sound checks?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That's probably what the sound check sounded like. And everybody's like, oh, she's just, you know, this is what she's doing for the sound check. The concert will be way better.

[Giovanni]

Some singers just fuck around in the soundcheck.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Sound check. We always show up and we do.

[Adam Carolla]

1, 2, 1, 2, whoa, whoa, what's up?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And then, you know, you show up and you do your regular act. And they probably like, oh, she must think she's still at sound checker.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I'm trying to think if John Lennon was still alive, if she'd get away with this shit? No, No, I think not, Lucy.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You're out of the show.

[Giovanni]

Footnote to that is, this is gonna sound weird, but isn't it better that John Lennon's passed away? Because he'd be. He might be old and sold out by now and doing like Pepsi commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I think he wouldn't have to hear don't worry by his wife.

[Giovanni]

But we have this perfect image of John Lennon the Beatle and John Lennon the peace guy. And it's not tainted.

[Adam Carolla]

He would have called some TMZ photog a fag.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

And then we'd all be up in the his shit and the thing would be, give what a chance? Yeah, John on tmz. And then it'd be that. Right? And then that's what we'd be talking about. And then that's kind of how we'd work. We'd remember it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

But out of all of the Beatles, who was known as being the craziest one, the one that was like the, ah, this is him again, you know, Was it.

[Giovanni]

Was it John, I think the crankiest.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they were amongst the saner bands. I'm trying to think of bands that were. That had anything near that kind of success where somebody didn't just completely blow themselves up with drops. Completely freak out. Yeah. All right, Gabriel Glacias in studio. Gabriel's got some tour dates, New Jersey, and he's also going to be in Resort Cove Haven Resort in Seton, Pennsylvania. Also Reno Event center and a bunch of dates available on his website. What you can do is you can go. Go to fluffyguy.com and you can find out where Gabriel, who's constantly touring, is coming to a town near you. He's also doing my buddy Kevin Hench's new show. Now, not just doing, but as a regular on the show. What is your part on Christella's show?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I guess the cousin of the guy that owns the house because we've only shot a pilot. I don't remember everybody's names because it's all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sometimes things can get swapped up and changed around. But my buddy Kevin Hinge got himself now pretty much second show on tv and he found Christella, who, you know.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Oh yeah, she's been in the game for a while. She's been doing stand up. I'd say about 12, 13 years.

[Adam Carolla]

So give us a thumbnail description of Christella Cristella.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Let's see. She's a hard working, silly, fun loving. I'm trying to go based on the Bio that was written for the show. I just know how she is. She's just crazy, and she's, you know, almost like a tomboy.

[Adam Carolla]

But she grew up, like, in a Texas.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

She grew up in Texas? Yeah, in Dallas, you know, with her mom and siblings and stuff. I mean, you know, nothing too crazy. Not like she was in the streets or anything.

[Allison Rosen]

And the show is based on her standup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. And it's smart because. Oh, now we're looking at a picture of her. Hinch is like, hey, whitey, you guys go fight it out for your share. I'm gonna get a Latin chick on here, and she'll be the new Roseanne. And there's any shows. I mean, the. The. The. The fastest growing segment of this country is Hispanics, and they don't really have a ton.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

They have a lot of sex, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

They have a ton of shows. Yeah, I know a lot. By the way, my new nickname.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

My new nickname is Mr. Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you've been.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I've been preaching the gospel. I gotta let you guys know. I've been preaching the gospel to everybody. That stuff, man, anything that makes me not look at patron is. Is pretty amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And I'm not just saying that because I'm a. I've said it on stage many times, and I have taken down a few people I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I think Fluffy was nice enough to get a couple 10 or 12 cases from us, and he's been spreading it around and spreading the good news.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. Thank you so much. And new formula is coming out real soon, and I'll keep you posted on a new bottle, new formula, and all sorts of new good stuff in the very near future. So. So when you guys start shooting Cristela, I should know this because I'm making a movie with the guy.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Want to see the end of August.

[Adam Carolla]

So they're all. Everyone. They're all in argue with the network mode and write the scripts mode.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

They're definitely in write the scripts mode right now. That's where they're at.

[Adam Carolla]

And then how did it work with the pilot in terms of you? Because you're not an actor for hires so much as you're a comedian as well. So you want some input on what's coming out of your mouth. Right.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You know what? They let me play with the script a little bit, so obviously I have the go to lines, but if I want to improvise, they're up for it. They're not like, no, don't do that. They welcome it, which Is pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Ironic that Kevin Hench is the whitest man on the planet, Right?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Very structured. Very structured, but yes, very white.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How'd you get along with him?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You know what? We spoke a little bit. I mean, I was on the set for a day, basically during the shoot. So, I mean, we, you know, we just said hi a couple times. It wasn't like, you know, full blown conversation or anything. Everybody was real busy. They had to get the shoot there was, you know, short on time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. I'm really gonna be excited to see this when it. When it comes out. I hope it's a huge success.

[Allison Rosen]

Getting really good press so far.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And it's not the traditional, you know, oh, let's hit every single stereotype. And. Oh, and there it was with a burro, and then she showed up with a tortilla.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? It's like. It wasn't like that, you know? Know, why is anyone writing this down?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The door, you know, somebody must be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me answer the door. That's good. Why is everyone writing? Keep going, man. Yeah, no, it's. It's. It's. It's tough.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It's tough to find that fine line between where. Where it gets a little uncomfortable and. And still entertaining. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And I think that was the whole goal with Cristella, is that she wanted to make sure that she shows her roots, but she doesn't want it to be. Every other joke is a, you know, oh, we are selling oranges. Oh, here we go. You know, it's like, oh, God, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you gotta sell apples every once in a while by the side of the freeway. I agree.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

She's happy as long as she's not picking them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So now is she ready for success? Because let me tell you, that is.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

A really good question. And let me tell you about Brett Butler.

[Adam Carolla]

There's been a couple ladies who were fairly humble at the beginning and turned into fucking. I mean, you should hear, like, the Brett, Bret Butler, Roseanne, Allison Rosen. Well, she hasn't had any. But if what I'm saying is funny.

[Giovanni]

Went different directions on that.

[Adam Carolla]

Just even a hint of success.

[Allison Rosen]

Both so flattering, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't even reached the level where I can be a full blown cunt yet.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. But here's what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

God willing.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys ever do that thing? And I do it all the time where I go, I know guys. And if they had an ounce of success, it would be Fucking disasters. And I don't mean they'd be divas, they'd be a pain in the ass. I mean, just fucking. It's like you work with these guys sometimes, you know them, sometimes they're. They work in your business. You know, other comedians that like, they're doing okay, they're selling out 300 seat rooms, but if they ever had an ounce of real sitcom success, they would be a fucking disaster within six months.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Let me ask you this many.

[Giovanni]

Do you think it's the qualities that would make them a disaster that prevent them from getting that success?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I think anytime somebody gives you everything that you want and doesn't stop to say, hey man, you know, do you really need this? Should you really be doing this if somebody just says yes all the way, I mean, people can basically melt down. You know, you've seen what happens when I don't say no.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple mangrias here. No, here's what I'm. Here's. It's an interesting topic. First off, I do believe we all are just born with a general temperament, like dogs. Some dogs are very laid back, some are a little more aggressive. You know, we're all just kind of put on this planet. I have twins, boy and a girl. The boy's very laid back, the girl is very aggressive and that's how they're born. So first off, we're just sort of born with a temperament.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Like you're a certain way of being.

[Adam Carolla]

Yours may be easygoing and some people may be higher strung and it's not. You go, well, maybe he grew up in an environment with a. Or his parents were. Or after his dad left.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

No, no, it's just the natural way of being.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your rhythm. Alright? So first off, you have a temperament, everyone has that. Secondly, there's a time thing. For me, my success came late in life. So I was just sort of who I was for good or for bad. I didn't change that much because I was who I was before I was anything. When it hits you at Molly Ringwald's age, then who the fuck knows what you're gonna be? You have enough years established in your adult life. As I always say, my brain was a cement sidewalk. It was dry by the time I had success. You couldn't put initials in it with a stick. It was just sort of done. Yeah, when you start making more money and you get busier, you get a little shorter with people and time is a little of the essence and you don't tolerate screwing up up Quite as much because you have a lot on your plate, a little stress, things like that. But your general being doesn't change that much. So it's a combination of your general temperament, how early it showed up, and then after that there's a little of the real you that's going to come poking out because society keeps you in check. When you have a humbling job, when you're not making a ton of money, when you have to go to work with everyone else and all that, or you can't go tell your boss what to do.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Exactly what to do. I think when it hits people really early and especially when they're really young, that, that definitely is not a good. You know, you get the Bieber syndrome, you meant, right? Versus somebody that's been struggling out there in the freaking bars and they're playing the garage clubs and the, you know, performing inside of empty swimming pools. You know what I mean? Just those type of gigs for year after year. And then when it does hit you, then you have a different appreciation for it because, you know, it could go away.

[Adam Carolla]

The, the, the folks too. I mean, then it's that thing where it's too much too soon. You want the gradual build. Not the one day Brett Butler's a comedian you haven't really heard of, and the next thing you know she's got a top five sitcom, which seemed to happen in a seven month period. Not good. You know, then you mix in some substance. You know, never, never a good thing. There's many, there's many issues. But let's hope that handles her success. Well.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I think she's very grounded. I really do. I've hung out with her enough times and we've drank enough times together to see how her personality can be. And she's very chill.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, so we look forward to that. And again, the movie. What's the movie about?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It's my Stand Up. It's a comedy concert. It's an hour and it's 97 minutes long. It's basically, it's one big show that I did in San Jose at the SAP Arena.

[Adam Carolla]

So it is a concert stand up show, which I've seen on you more than once, but this is for theater.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

For theater.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so that is again coming out in select theaters July 25th.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

July 25th.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Wanna do a little news? Sure, let's do it. The news. You know what? Yeah, hold on a sec. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors, Deer Hunter. Man. Everyone here at Corolla. One plays Deer Hunter we can't stop 2014. Big guns, over a hundred different species of animals, tons of missions, wild animals attacking you, bullets flying everywhere. It's addictive, and you can get it free on the App Store and Google Play. Millions are playing deer hunter 2014 include bald Brian, Matt Garrett, myself, Dawson, and even Allison. She doesn't play. She stands and cheers. Make sure we get all the wild boars that are attacking us. Try it, try it and see how you like it. How about it? It's a blast. You don't have to be a gamer to be into it. It is good, clean fun. Available on the App Store and Google Play. Deer Hunter 2014, baby. All right, now. Now the news. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it Cut. It's Allison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So that was Yola Tango backing Yoko Ono. I knew it was people that when we heard who it was, we'd be like, oh, that too. That is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

So there you go.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Yo Tango.

[Allison Rosen]

Yo Tango. So respected that revered alt band Gabriel.

[Giovanni]

That's. I got it Spanish.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. So it's gotta be. I mean, for them, it's like at some point they go, oh, you're either gonna be behind Michelle Branch or Yoko Ono.

[Allison Rosen]

And I bet. Well, I mean, we love Michelle Branch, but I bet Yoko. I bet to them, Yoko Ono. That's cool, because it's at least.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think they're. I think they're miserable. I think they're miserable.

[Allison Rosen]

Speaking of music, top five most played songs on the radio so far this year. Do you want to take a guess?

[Adam Carolla]

This year?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So this is. At this point in the year, here are the songs that you just. You hear everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they all new songs?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, then that I'll marry you song.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The one that sounds real reggae ish. What one man, that. You're so rude. But I'd still marry you. God, I can't think of it.

[Allison Rosen]

This is gonna be a terrible game because for all I know, that is one of these. And I don't know. Well, the problem also now I'm wondering, are they all new?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It sounds like a. Like a Hawaiian type song.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the problem. The problem is the DJ used this front sell it and back sell it. And then the song was, hey, coming up, up. I think I love you by the Partridge Family. And then the whole song was, I think I love you 228 times. And then the guy would come back on and go, that was, I think I love you, but. And then you would know. Now it's like. You know that one where the dude is digging on the chick and it's like a lot, you know? And he keeps saying how much he digs her, but I. And then you gotta start singing it. But you sound like an. When you start singing it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That's the song right there.

[Allison Rosen]

And who is this?

[Adam Carolla]

Archer Tramley.

[Allison Rosen]

This is magic. And that's not one of the top five.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That song is played a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

These ones are played even more. Number five is one Republic's Counting Stars. Number four is Lords.

[Adam Carolla]

Team Lords. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Lord, Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she the young chick who doesn't want to be there?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I don't know if she doesn't want to be there, but she is young.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw her. She's. You know the chicks who hide behind their hair?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. That's what I miss about. I miss. What I miss about the beehive is there's no hiding. You can hide. You can take shelter under the beehive.

[Allison Rosen]

Kate Pearson never hid behind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Kate Pearson was great in a hailstorm, but she could not hide behind her hair. So this.

[Allison Rosen]

We're looking at a photo now of Lorde.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she the one I was. Yes, because I was watching her sing.

[Allison Rosen]

Royal Royals.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. During. Sorry for the extra two no's. During the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, she was singing a Nirvana song, and she was one of those chicks who came up there and, like, flopped her hair in front of her and did the. I'm gonna sing now. And like, I guess, weird. It's kind of an homage to Kurt Cobain, who sort of hid behind his hair. There's not too many dudes who hide behind their hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Not anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

But he did a little hiding behind his hair, and she does one of those, like, kind of I don't want to be here postures, which. It just sort of drives me nuts because, like, if you can sing, fucking own it. You know what I mean? Like, if you have talent or if you're good at.

[Allison Rosen]

It became a sign of authenticity years ago. But those years, I mean, she probably wasn't even alive when that factored in.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, right there came. There was something kind of. Of. There was something sort of cool about going, I don't really want to be here, but I'm so fucking talented. I have to be here. I Have a gift that comes, you know, just.

[Allison Rosen]

I refuse to sell out.

[Adam Carolla]

Pushes through. Yeah. Remember that scene in Alien where it burst out of the guy's chest cavity? That's what my talent is. So I can't hold it back. So I must be here. But if you kind of watch and Gary will pull up a picture or two, but you'll sort of see her kind of like their hair kind of flopped over her. Also drives me nuts when it flops down and then they have to flop it back and then it just flops down again. It just becomes something to do. I think it's like Jenny McCarthy on Oprah. Not that I watch that business. Yeah, but. You know what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Number three.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't find her voice to be that fantastic in her Nirvana. Chris knows something about music and he's making a face. And I didn't find her to be anything doing the Nirvana song. So first off, why did they do nothing but chicks? Like, an interesting choice, but if you're doing the Pretenders and you just had a string of dudes go out there and do Chrissy Hines, wouldn't that be sort of weird and a little bit disrespectful?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, seems strange.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you flip flopped it, it'd be, what the fuck? That's like, if it's a chicken, have a chick, and if it's a dude, have a chick and a dude. But it was like all women, which was, again, interesting. But I don't know if Kurt Cobain would have wanted it that way, per se. I think he probably wants some dude with some credible pipes just to get up there and just fucking blow the lid off the joint.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, coming in at number three, Katy Perry's Dark Horse. Number two, all of Me by John Legend. And then the song that you can't not hear anymore got to be the happy song. It is Pharrell's happy, which is funny.

[Giovanni]

Because you're like, oh, they ever say the song the name over and over again in the song? This song is nothing but the name of the song over and over again.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't really have a problem with this song.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's fun. No, it has instruments in it. Like, you can hear instruments. It's not all just sort of cast.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It sounds like a song that could have been written 30 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. No, it's. It's. It's arranged. It's got a jazzy, melodic sound to it.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And it could have come out of Motown and that could have been Smokey Robinson singing that song easily. And the Miracles could be right behind him.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, something fun coming up. We have a Germany or Florida?

[Bald Brian]

Which God forsaken land is this up story from?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play Germany.

[Giovanni]

Or Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so the way you play this, Gabriel, is. Okay, you have to guess if this story is out of Germany or Florida. I will not read the identifying parts. So it is possible to rock too hard. Doctors treated a 50 year old man earlier this year who was complaining of constant headaches that were getting worse. He had no history of head injuries or drug possession problems, but told doctors that he had been headbanging at a Motorhead concert with his son the month before. After scanning his head, doctors found a brain bleed. They drilled into the head to drain the blood, after which his head headaches stopped. But it was all the head banging. And the doctor said, we're not against headbanging. The risk of injury is very, very low. But I think if our patient had gone to a classical concert instead, this would not.

[Adam Carolla]

He's literally not. I mean, he's not banging his head on anything. He's just rocking so hard forward and.

[Allison Rosen]

Backward acceleration and deceleration led to rupturing.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was his doctor, I'd be like, my prescription is you attend a Yoko Ono concert, that's the only thing that can.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't even need a brace.

[Adam Carolla]

That can reverse the symptoms almost immediately. You will stand like an ice sculpture while she gets up there and speaks gibberish for 20 minutes. Yeah. There's nobody.

[Allison Rosen]

Spiritual attraction.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Nobody in danger of hurting their brain at a Yoko. Well, there's a sort of brain damage that takes place when you're just exposed. Exposed to horrific art. All right. Does she get to be an artist? I think she gets to be an artist, right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking sucks.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

So I say Germany. I say Germany only because I haven't heard of Motorhead in Florida in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, Motorhead. Yeah. And then there's. I don't think they'd be conducted. I don't think. I feel like it was Florida. They'd tell the guy, yeah, take a shot of nyquil and sleep it off. Like, I feel like the delicate brain stuff is more Germany. I'm going Germany as well.

[Giovanni]

Everything about this story is Germany. I feel like we're being sent that way. But as soon as they said if he was at a classical concert, that's the country of Strauss, I say Germany.

[Adam Carolla]

Motorhead has. Does Motorhead have umlauts? I feel like there's Something. There may be some umlauts involved with Motorhead. Maybe that's a Motley Crue thing.

[Giovanni]

Motley Crue for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna say yes, then.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone ever given, like, the lifetime jack off achievement award for putting umlauts on Motley Crue? Like, just for being like, were you guys all from Indiana? Like, where the fuck did you get your umlauts? You gotta fucking earn. Earn those umlauts, bitch. All right, all right.

[Giovanni]

I say Germany.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Germany.

[Allison Rosen]

This is like on Jeopardy. When everyone gets.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to win, you go Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it was Germany. Congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You know the story. Yeah. Oh, I see.

[Allison Rosen]

You were telling me which way to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I forgot that every game we play, everyone ventures a guess. And then I forgot you had the story. But sometimes they'll doctor up the story where the person who's reading it doesn't know what the story is.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm realizing I took out all the other identifying things, and I considered taking out Motorhead, but then I thought, Novette doesn't give it away that much.

[Giovanni]

Could be. Could be Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So there's a lot of.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Real clue was the Motorhead thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's. There's, um, lots over the second O in Motorhead.

[Giovanni]

That's an important distinction.

[Adam Carolla]

We do have the word motor, though, right? Like Detroit's Motor City stylistic choice.

[Giovanni]

Well, they're a British band, though, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I. Well, there's. What's his name? Said Motorhead. Right. Hold on. I think we could. There could be a battle.

[Giovanni]

Can you still smell them?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We could take George Clinton and Lemmy from Motorhead. Like, we could take the funk side and the rock side and have a fucking battle royale in the funk department.

[Giovanni]

Could Andrew W.K. be a part of this? Is he not in their league yet?

[Adam Carolla]

If he wants to come in and get his ass kicked in the funk department, he's welcome to show up. But I would stay home were him, like, you know, let him work on your funk game. Yeah. Like, listen, kid, it's nice that you brought your cap gun to a street fight, but go home, don't hit the showers, and really just focus on your funk for a while. But Lemmy the Dreads, Lemmy and. Well, George Clinton's a lot of man.

[Allison Rosen]

Which starts, I haven't been around George Clinton to appreciate his ripe odor, but let me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you've not lived until you've been in a studio the size of Westwood One in Culver City, which is a small closet with a big man and his hair and they shut the door and as Brian will test, the air conditioning was always on the fritz over there. That was bad. But. But Lemmy, he's no fucking slouch either. Like, I don't know if pound for pound, Lemmy might have him beat. Yeah, and I think we might.

[Allison Rosen]

Although he has a lot of pound in warts on his face, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

The only way to really settle this is for a. A bo sniffing dog. And we just put them both on one side of a street and have to see which side the dog goes to.

[Giovanni]

No, no. Suicide the dog runs away from.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's true. Might be overwhelming.

[Allison Rosen]

Have the dogs been trained?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What I always think about with these guys, when they come in wearing the jeans and the long sleeve shirt and you smell them coming up the walkway, I think about their lady friends because.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It'S a whole different kind of dedication right there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll guarantee the dude from Coldplay gets a funk going during the lovemaking like the skinny white boys get. Everyone during the lovemaking gets a little extra hormonal funk, adrenaline funk going. Now imagine when you start at a nine in the funk department and now it's time to lay down with your lady. Wow. Yeah, you're setting the bar high. So where's a motorhome? English.

[Allison Rosen]

They're from London.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't the umlaut more of a Germany thing than an Englishy thing still? Well, anyway, I think it's a stylistic choice.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you had this experience and it's happened to me a couple of times. Always at the grocery store. It's a particular grocery store, though, so maybe it's just this grocery store someone in an aisle over will be funking up like a good four aisles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't understand how a human can have a scent that strong that you can it. Like it lingers and it just radiates out and makes almost half the store uninhabitable.

[Adam Carolla]

And as I always say, where is the husband and wife in this equation?

[Allison Rosen]

But I mean, this is different than like cab driver, European public transportation situation. This almost seems like a medical.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what the problem with the problem with cab drivers is? What they need to do is it's that small apartment with the space heater.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Going and they're not getting out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're just.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You're basically just simmering.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever do that thing where I used to have to work in people's houses all the time, installing closets, building shit in their houses, working in earthquake rehab, and going to these funky little shitty units? And what happens is you, you, you open the front door, you get that whoosh of old person BO mixed with cat, something mixed with space heater and it's like, oh, fucking A mixed with, by the way, cooking with lard. Like bad bacon mixed with old man, you know, and you get that whoosh and you go. And you just go like, oh, fuck, this is going to be rough. And I'm going to spend the next few hours in here working in this unit. And then at some point, like 26 minutes in, you're like, how come I don't smell this anymore? Thankfully, this is how you know we have a merciful God. Your brain will not torture itself. It just won't. It'd be like someone losing their eyesight and 30 years later going, fuck, I can't see like every single morning. No, you just start. You start acclimating to shit. Otherwise you'd be a life of torture. Here's what we need to do with the fucking cab drivers. You guys need to hop out and swap cabs every shift so you can jump into someone else's fucking Crown Vic and go, what the fuck? Oh, shit. No. This is fucking brutal. Because when it's your cab, that's just your fucking cab. You just.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That's your thing when you blow it up in the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

I had. Well, no, that's enjoyable. I had a shuttle van pick me up at the airport. When I came back, I was in New York with Jimmy and Kevin and Bean and they said, fly back tomorrow. You're auditioning for Loveline on mtv. And I was. Was weird. I was doing a rich man's thing, which was jumping on a plane from New York and flying to LA to audition, but they were playing for the ticket and I wasn't gonna pay for a cab back to my apartment and I jumped into the shuttle. And I, like the first dude in the shuttle and the shuttle was like, fucking A. And then because it was a shuttle, the guy had to circle the airport 12 times because he wasn't leaving without a full fucking load of super funked out, disappointed cheap folks in the back of that extendo van. And so I got to sit there in the funkified, marinating air, marinating, doing circles. And then comes the weird sort of Sophie's choice of being in the shuttle, which is, do I get dropped off first and have every fucking poor loser in this van know exactly where I live? They're not winners, they're losers and they know where your house is now, or do I go last and spend an extra hour and 15 minutes in this piece of shit van with the funk.

[Allison Rosen]

What'd you do?

[Adam Carolla]

I got. I was first in the van, and we circled the airport for 20 fucking minutes. So I was like, I got seniority. I need to get out of here first. And we were driving along the 405, and we ended up dropping off two or three people just because they're, like, in Culver City and shit. And I was in Toluca Lake, and we're going down the 405 and we're heading toward the 101. And this dude lived in, like, Canoga park, if you can picture it, which is hard left for about 12 miles. And I was living in Toluca Lake, which was hard right for about six miles. And as we were coming to the split, I literally almost grabbed. I just grabbed the guy's wheel and went, no, no, I'm right here. And I bullshitted him. I said, I'm right off Van Nuys. I'm in Van Nuys. And so we started driving, and he's like, is this your. And I'm like, no, no, just keep it going. Cold water wits it. Laurel Canyon. Yeah, yeah, keep Riverside. And once, what I got to do, fucking pull an E brake and turn around, like, at that point. But I was like, no way am I getting on this van. Getting in his van first, getting an assful of your funk, and then being the last human being to climb off it. A powerful story for my children.

[Giovanni]

One day with a lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

A lesson. Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Some people, though, seriously, I don't understand how they could develop that, like, in a day that takes, like, when you smell people and it's from far away.

[Allison Rosen]

It feels like it's coming from somewhere inside their body.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Yeah. Like it's something that they're eating or maybe they're having an intestinal problem. Because there's some people that got, like, really funky breath, but yet they brush their teeth all the time, and they're always chewing gum, but they got that.

[Adam Carolla]

That breath.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It smells like an alkaline. Like, it almost smells like a metal mixed with shit. And it's just like, God, really? And, you know, so, I mean, it's tough to say, like, I'm so self conscious because I am a big dude. You know, I'm over 300. And so it's like, I always want to. You know, I take two showers a day. I put a lot of deodorant, a lot of cologne and stuff like that. Thank you. I'm so self conscious of that.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing again, the wife or the friend, whatever your support system is. Somebody look, it's there you are. The last defense between this person's funky ass and the. And the line at the register at the fucking Whole Foods, right? Like, come on, it's your job. Nobody at the fucking Whole Foods is going to go up and tap you on the shoulder and explain you what a horrible problem you have with BO.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

They'Ll wait for you in the floor, likes to leave.

[Adam Carolla]

But your wife, your husband, your best friend, your brother, your sister, your father, your mom, you know that person that per. The fucking person that says, hey, you got some broccoli on your teeth. Not person. When you're, like, leaving the house and you got a nick shaving, you got a chunk of toilet paper stuck to your chin, and that person goes, hey, whoa, whoa. You got a thing on there that person. Like, you wouldn't say that to a stranger, but you would say that person to. Your buddy needs to fucking talk about your BO Problem, because it's fucking everyone else's shit up at the office, at the Whole Foods, or wherever else you're going, right?

[Giovanni]

That's so funny you guys are bringing this up because my high school job, I bagged groceries in a grocery store for two years. And there was a regular, a woman who came in with her two little kids. She was an Indian woman, dressed in the garb and everything, very polite, very friendly, always smiled, always polite and friendly, Smelled awful. You knew as soon as she walked in, she was there. And you were dreading her coming down your aisle because you have to bag groceries for her weekly shopping for kids. And it would take 10 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

This is what I'm saying. It happens at grocery stores.

[Giovanni]

She had no one in her life, obviously, to tell her. Or maybe she knew and we never got to the bottom of it. It was just so weird that it was in the grocery store like you said, and you knew from aisles away she was coming down.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? There should be, you know, the stickers on the back of the delivery trucks, like, how am I driving? Okay, how about this for a breakthrough? All right? Okay, that's it. I'm having a breakthrough. This is the America I want to live in when I'm in charge. Everybody for one week out of the year is going to be forced to wear a windbreaker, and it's going to be, how am I smelling? How am I acting? What is it? You know what needs improvement on me? You know? You know, the person you see, they're wearing the hairstyle and they're like, dude, really? You're 66 years old and your hair is jet black and you fucking look like an idiot. You're dying your beard and it looks like someone drew it in with a Sharpie. Come on, dude. You're 67. You're wearing new Religion jeans. Come on. Like, you know that guy? Obviously he's not getting the proper information. Maybe he's funky. Maybe his breath is shitty. Maybe their teeth are funky and yellow or something. Whatever that is, is. Imagine the utopia we would be living in if just every citizen one weekend out of the year had to wear that windbreaker where we call the 800 number and we'd see what your tally was. It wouldn't be a good day. It would be very uncomfortable when we had to hear all the complaints, but that would be it. Just. If you were rude, if you were dickish, it would probably keep people in line. By the way, leading up, how much.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

More improved would it be for the person, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Leading up to your windbreaker day, you'd be fucking flossing and practicing, looking people in the eye and saying thank you very much. You know, like, you'd be the. You'd be the. The morals. You'd be festivious and the greatest driver and you'd never. It. Keep it. Keep everyone in line.

[Giovanni]

You know the old cliche like, oh, she must be on her period or something if someone's actually nice that week. Oh, he must be on his review week.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Oh, you'd see him, they'd have the windbreaker on and yeah, when the guy gave you the. After you at the four way stop, you probably see the arm of the yellow windbreaker hanging out of the thing.

[Giovanni]

Hey, fellas. I brought bagels.

[Adam Carolla]

Straighten everyone's shit out. I really would. I'll bet you for the criminals, there'd be no crime on that week. It just be good. Just. We just let everyone know where you were. We'd have an 800 number. It would be the last, you know, the last few digits. The 800 would be the same, but the seven digits after that would be your digits. And we'd all could just call in and just, well, here's what we need out of this person.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That's what's going on. Charlie, work on this.

[Allison Rosen]

Very bold.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

No, you're saying about people like, okay, individuals. You've done enough meet and greets to know that sometimes freaking funk travels in packs. I'm sure you've been in some places where like, that guy was like. And then the person next to him wow, you. You share your friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know, is it proximity or is it that they both have it?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I think that there's been some times when I've done certain shows in certain places where it gets really, really cold. You know, a lot of times, people just.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't neglect a shower. Yeah, I have had this.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I got it from couples, and I've also had it from just like, friends hanging out.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys in Houston told me that Gabriel Iglesias, you know, get a photographer. Don't stand there with everyone. Their cell phones takes forever. Learned that from Gabriel Iglesias in Houston. Not from Gabriel himself, from the guy who ran the club. Club in Houston. But that move, the dude's wiping his hand as he's coming to you in line to shake your hand. The hand wipe. And you know what I've had with that dude way more than once? Double handshake. Hand wipe, handshake. Super sloppy, moist, weird hand. And then at the end of taking the fucking picture with the guy, hands coming out again. Wow. It's like, first off, we don't need to shake hands. I don't shake hands with it. Some people just walk up, put their arm around you, take a picture. Whatever. Whatever it is. There's nothing that says you must. It is sort of like you saying, it's like you have a tiny cock and you go, I'm going to the nude beach. And you go, well, there's a regular beach right next door. You just wear your trunks. No, I'm going to the nude beach so everyone cannot see my tiny cock. Why? Why? You don't have to shake hands. You have weird sweaty hand. You know it. You're wiping it on the thigh of your jeans as you're walking to me. And I'm seeing you, by the way, in slow motion. Sort of like when it's in a movie where they're going to shoot the president. I'm the Secret Service guy that sees it all going down in slow motion. Can't stop it. That's the hand, the right hand dragging down the thigh of the jeans as they're walking toward you. Shake the hand. Sloppy, swamp hand. And then follow up hand.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And then you give that hand to the next person.

[Adam Carolla]

The next person thinks you have sweaty hand. Then do you have the conversation with the next guy who sticks his hand out because now your hand is moist.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean, that's the hand version of when you walk. You have to use the bathroom. You walk in, you're like, oh, right. Then you walk out and you Try to be like, no, it wasn't me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. What do you do, Gabriel?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

So here's what you're doing. Wet hand, prior to the meet and greet. You got the line set up already. If you have a photographer, you basically, you get yourself a large tub of hand sanitizer and you put it at the beginning of the line and you let everyone know, listen, you guys, there's been a couple people here tonight night. Couple sneezing, couple coughing, you know, Adam or Gabriel, whoever the entertainer is, has a lot of shows to do this week, and we just want to make sure that nobody gets sick tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

So I don't use it. Yeah, but how's that stop the wet hand?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Oh, dude. Hand sanitizer on your hand will dry your hand right up. The alcohol will dry your hand right up. So you have everybody do that, and this way everybody feels cool and nobody gets all weird.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm glad you've taken a stand regarding hand sanitizer.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the last 40 minutes of my act is what pussy's hand sanitizer users are. Would it fly in the face of that?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I get sick once a year if that. And it's for that reason, because before I used to always, like, how about.

[Adam Carolla]

One of those Dyson knife hand air knife things?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

This little cooler?

[Allison Rosen]

The ones that make your hands look like your face when you're in like three GS?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I could bring them with me. Running off a car battery or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Now that's fun.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I gotta work the hand sanitizers. I'd rather use hand sanitizer than not shake people's hands. Because then you're that guy. Then you're that the guy who's the germaphobe. The guy that doesn't want to touch people or the guy that isn't accessible. People don't want to feel like they're, you know, I'm not good enough to touch him.

[Adam Carolla]

I shake everyone's hand, but I'll tell you the dude I like. The dude I like is the dude who gives you the Howie Mandel fist bump and says, I got the sweaty palm ace, man. So give me the. I'll give you the bump. I'm like, good. There's a guy understands his limitations. Like, he has a little issue. Fine, no judgment. Wants to make a little connection. We'll make our little connection. But he gets it. He understands this is his thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Which is worse, a warm, sweaty hand or cold, sweaty hand?

[Adam Carolla]

Warm is, to me, swampier, because sometimes I'll have.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not the Sweaty hand. But it's. I've been holding a drink in my hand, and then if someone goes to shake my hand, I'm like, sorry, it's gonna be cold and wet.

[Adam Carolla]

Cold and wet is better than warm and wet.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You get more of a clean feeling from cold, cold.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm with you on the funk. I think I have gone through this life and smelled the funk of a thousand men. I really have. Just the cast, the fucking. Yeah, all of them. But in the lines, just in the. I had a situation where I was going through, like, customs in Toronto and it was the super long serpentine line where I was behind the Funky person for 55 minutes. Because you just walk behind them and.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

By the way, refreshing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Good luck trying to put 20ft between you and the person in front of you, because the per. Everyone behind you would be like, hey, dude, here we go. Now we're all in this line together. Just standing behind that and just whatever's behind, just. Just getting whatever's coming off of them as they're walking where. All right, let's get my windbreakers enacted. Anyway, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenz, and.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, combat. Gentlemen, these guys are new sponsors. Essentials for modern men. Suits, shirts, tie, sweaters, denim chino chinos. Denim and chinos in the morning. Everybody playing the classic rock. Ah. And stuff that never goes out of style. They got the slim and modern fits. Whatever your body type, you are covered. And they cut out the middlemen and the unnecessary markup. And they control every aspect of their product. Get this. They own their own sheep. Wow.

[Giovanni]

They shear them. They shear their own sheep.

[Adam Carolla]

They're sheep shearers or they just love sheep. But I'm assuming they use the wool clothes from scratch. That's right. I like the idea that they got their own sheep, too. All right, and until next time, Sam Corolla for Gabriel Iglesias and Allison Rose and Embal Bryant saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't even reached the level where I can be a full blown cunt yet.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is for today's classics. Hope you have a great fourth of July.

[Adam Carolla]

Be safe out there.

[Giovanni]

Until next time.

[Deaf Frat Guy]

Time.

[Giovanni]

And get it on.