Brian Posehn + Larry Gatlin (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Brian Posehn + Larry Gatlin (Corolla Classics) – January 11, 2025

The Adam Carolla Show continues its tradition of blending unfiltered humor with insightful conversations in the "Corolla Classics" segment. In this episode, hosts Bald Brian and Ben Schwartz revisit highlights from past shows, culminating in an engaging discussion with comedian and musician Brian Posehn. The episode also features guest Larry Gatlin, adding a unique dynamic to the conversation.

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Introduction to Corolla Classics

The "Corolla Classics" segment serves as an archive of memorable moments from the Adam Carolla Show's 15-year run. Hosted by Bald Brian and Allison Rosen, this segment curates fan-selected clips, offering listeners a nostalgic trip through Adam's uncensored rants, humorous takes, and in-depth interviews. The hosts mention exclusive content available on AdamCarolla.Substack.com, enticing fans to delve deeper into the show's rich history.

Quote:

"Welcome to Corolla Classics... the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show."
— Bald Brian [00:43]

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Guest Introduction: Brian Posehn

Brian Posehn joins the show, welcomed warmly by Bald Brian and Ben Schwartz. The hosts dive into Brian's personal journey, discussing his recent weight loss efforts and the challenges of balancing a demanding career with family life.

Quote:

"I have a kid and I don't want to die on him."
— Brian Posehn [20:44]

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Balancing Career and Family

The conversation shifts to Brian's experiences as a parent and a comedian. Brian shares insights into his initial reluctance to have children, influenced by negative family experiences, and how his perspective evolved over time. The hosts explore themes of personal growth, responsibility, and the impact of family dynamics on one's life choices.

Quote:

"I did have some sleep... All I do is crack jokes to kids... Which pales in comparison to my twin brother."
— Brian Posehn [23:23]

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Made-Up Movie Segment: "Misfortune Cookies"

In a playful segment, the hosts and Brian collaborate to create a fictional blockbuster titled "Misfortune Cookies." They humorously outline the plot, casting iconic actors like Jackie Chan and Jet Li, and mixing action with comedy. This improvisational exercise showcases the hosts' creative chemistry and comedic timing.

Quote:

"Jackie Chan gets a beautiful Eurasian daughter who Jet Li wants to date, leading to a series of comedic and action-packed events."
— Bald Brian [39:12]

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Personal Stories and Adversity

Brian Posehn opens up about his childhood, including the tragic loss of his father at a young age and the challenges of being raised by a single mother. He discusses how these experiences shaped his views on family and responsibility, providing a deeper understanding of his comedic perspective.

Quote:

"Knowing that you're not like the other kids and seeing that you're not like the other kids... It always made me feel different."
— Brian Posehn [29:00]

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The Taco Shell Incident

A poignant moment arises when Brian recounts a tragic incident involving his twin brother, who died from an accident with a taco shell shard. This story underscores the show's ability to blend humor with heartfelt narratives, offering listeners a multifaceted perspective on life's unpredictabilities.

Quote:

"He got a little bigger once the beard started getting crazier and... Due to a taco shell shard, my twin brother passed away. It was tragic."
— Bald Brian [45:15]

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Societal Commentary and Parenting Ethics

The conversation delves into broader societal issues, including welfare, work ethic, and parenting. Bald Brian and Allison Rosen express their views on the importance of instilling responsibility and pride in one's work, contrasting it with perceived dependencies fostered by governmental support systems.

Quote:

"Shame is the most powerful emotion there is on the planet... it brings out ferocious anger."
— Adam Carolla [85:30]

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Advertising and Sponsors

Throughout the episode, sponsors like NetCredit, TrueCar, Castrol Edge, and Pluto TV are seamlessly integrated into the conversation. The hosts promote these brands with humorous endorsements, maintaining the show's signature blend of comedy and advertisement.

Quote:

"Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit. Applications subject to review and approval."
— Adam Carolla [20:16]

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Closing Remarks and Future Segments

As the episode wraps up, the hosts mention upcoming tours, album releases, and additional content available on their respective platforms. They encourage listeners to engage with future episodes and participate in interactive segments, ensuring continued listener engagement.

Quote:

"Brian's new album, 'Fart Wiener Jokes,' is out on iTunes, Amazon, and Brian's website. Get him at BrianPosehn.com."
— Bald Brian [54:34]

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Conclusion

This installment of "Corolla Classics" epitomizes the Adam Carolla Show's enduring appeal—melding sharp humor with genuine, relatable human experiences. Brian Posehn's candid storytelling and the hosts' dynamic interactions offer a rich, engaging listen for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

1. "Welcome to Corolla Classics... the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show." — Bald Brian [00:43]
2. "I have a kid and I don't want to die on him." — Brian Posehn [20:44]
3. "Jackie Chan gets a beautiful Eurasian daughter who Jet Li wants to date, leading to a series of comedic and action-packed events." — Bald Brian [39:12]
4. "Knowing that you're not like the other kids and seeing that you're not like the other kids... It always made me feel different." — Brian Posehn [29:00]
5. "Shame is the most powerful emotion there is on the planet... it brings out ferocious anger." — Adam Carolla [85:30]
6. "Brian's new album, 'Fart Wiener Jokes,' is out on iTunes, Amazon, and Brian's website. Get him at BrianPosehn.com." — Bald Brian [54:34]

These quotes highlight the episode's blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and societal observations, encapsulating the essence of the Adam Carolla Show.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Bald Brian]

To the people 1, 2, 3, 4. Those are numbers, but you already knew that.

[Allison Rosen]

If you want to know what number.

[Bald Brian]

You'Re going to pay each month for your car, use Kelley Blue Book. My wallet on Autotrader.

[Allison Rosen]

They're really good at numbers.

[Bald Brian]

Autotrader welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, Super Faye Agne Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Corolla Classics. The ad free archive is exclusively available through Adam Corolla's Substack. Make sure to check out AdamCarolla.Substack.com where you can also get access to Beat it out, the brand new show currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarollo.com alright, coming for our clips today we have Adam Carollo Show 384 featuring Brian Posayn, Teresa Serrasa and Brian Bishop from 2010.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, it's I'm like a buzz right now from Buster, waking up at 2.

[Bald Brian]

4 and 6 and the first thing it does is that recall like you go, you know, someone goes, what's your address? Or what street do you live on? Or what's your dad's name or something? You go, you know, it sounds like Tim. I can't. What the fuck? It's the same as the Jimmy's dad's the same name anyway. Jim, you feel like a fucking retard.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, it's the most basic things, like I couldn't say ass over fist on the last show.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's why I won some kind of award or at least an induction into the Radio hall of Fame for doing Stern show 50 times. Coming off of Loveline at midnight and starting his show at 3am back at Westwood One in Culver City and doing a five hour radio show. I was gonna be completely swimming in my own juice by the time we got to, you know, hour number four. Couldn't. Thank God. Hey Howard, I agree with the black chick with the titties is in the Next room. What the hell?

[Ben Schwartz]

What do you call her?

[Bald Brian]

What is her name again? It's like a bird. It sounds like a bird.

[Ben Schwartz]

Dove?

[Bald Brian]

Lark.

[Ben Schwartz]

Sparrow. Sparrow.

[Bald Brian]

You literally. You think of a joke, but you realize you can't come up with Ronald Reagan's name, right?

[Ben Schwartz]

And it's gonna be hilarious if you just get that one name out.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he's like the cowboy. I rode the horse. He said, read my lips. I'm a. No, wait.

[Ben Schwartz]

And his wife was, like, petite, and she spent a lot of money on decorating.

[Bald Brian]

What was this thing? Oh, shit.

[Ben Schwartz]

Win one for the Gipper guy?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. That dude with the pomade, he was the governor of California.

[Ben Schwartz]

I lost my timing with this joke. Or did.

[Bald Brian]

It's been 20 minutes. Like, you know, fuck, my brain doesn't work.

[Teresa Strasser]

Rubber quivers.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Ben Schwartz]

No.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Reagan quivers. Is that what you just said?

[Bald Brian]

I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a funnier version of what I just said.

[Bald Brian]

That's pretty nice.

[Ben Schwartz]

That would have been funny.

[Bald Brian]

You know, the difference between us is we beat ourselves up about it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

We should talk to Donnie, because Donnie has a way of somehow skirting the part where he beats himself up.

[Ben Schwartz]

God, I'd like to skirt that.

[Bald Brian]

It's nice. We went to pebble beach, and Donnie went on a coffee run when I went and got the car in the morning, and I said, give me a large coffee. And Donnie came back and he handed me a small coffee, and I said, small coffee? And he said, yeah. I said, I ordered a large coffee. And he said, oh, yeah. I said, don, have you ever. We go out to coffee all the time. Have you ever heard me order a small coffee? And he went, no. And I realized, wow. Like a dog shitting on a rug. No problemo.

[Ben Schwartz]

Nothing.

[Bald Brian]

Completely fine with it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Incredibly high level of tolerance of his own mistakes.

[Bald Brian]

Not an ounce of, like, ah, fuck, or what was I gonna do? Or, ah, let me go back and do it.

[Ben Schwartz]

A lot of kicking himself.

[Bald Brian]

Nah. Couldn't see it from where I was sitting. But Donnie, that's a. That's a. That's a great thing you got going. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, after drinking that much wine with.

[Bald Brian]

You all weekend and staying up late.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, I got to deal.

[Bald Brian]

With all this audio video gear. Slept for 10 hours. Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I did have some sleep.

[Bald Brian]

All right, a little weed on top. Now, why grab the small?

[Adam Carolla]

Because you already had a cup in the hotel room.

[Bald Brian]

And then we're going to pebble beach, where there's, like, a ton of food and here's I have this argument with my wife all the time. Like, let's just say outside. Outside. I said small. I said large. But let's just say I agree. I'm not arguing crazy. Let's just say on a crazy whim, I said small. And then you showed up with a large. What do you think I'd do, throw it in your face? Like, to me. All right, you would have had a comment. Like, I said small. Wouldn't waste all this coffee.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Bald Brian]

Well, but here's the thing about me. The prior two or three days, I walked out there with a large, right? Yeah. I never ordered a large. I never ordered a small. To the best of your knowledge, you drink a lot of coffee? Yes. All right, just get the large. Like, what would it harm? That's all I'm saying. Yeah, all right. But you beat yourself up pretty good about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Bald Brian]

I just walk away and chuckle. Really? Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

I have not had that response to any mistake I've ever made in life, no matter how small.

[Bald Brian]

Now, if I said, no chocolate, hey, Theresa, give me coffee. Make it a large. And you walk away and handed me a small. And I said small. I order a large.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's three therapy sessions about why I can't listen, why I don't do things well, why I'm incompetent and why I do everything wrong and why people don't like me.

[Bald Brian]

I would also argue it's why your batting average is a little bit better in the small and large department than Donnie's. Because the walk away chuckling doesn't. It doesn't get you the large next day.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, the thing about beating yourself up is you do go that extra mile to not fuck up in the same way next time. Because it works so bad.

[Bald Brian]

The first time you beat yourself up, you gotta walk away and chuckle more.

[Ben Schwartz]

Let me put this. I should, and this is not my quote, but the biological purpose of pain is to prevent the recurrence of stupidity. So if you feel no pain, the stupidity reoccurs. If I put my hand in a fire, a flame, and it doesn't hurt, I'll just do it again.

[Bald Brian]

So if you walk away chuckling, you'll do it again.

[Ben Schwartz]

That didn't hurt.

[Bald Brian]

All right.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's why you should throw the coffee in for a skull. You think he'd do it another time after that? I mean, last time you got a small.

[Bald Brian]

I would argue that it would probably prevent that, yes. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Pain is a great teacher. And sometimes I just feel pain for the fuck of it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

But getting back to sexy stoners. Joseph Gordon Levitt, you know who that dude, you know?

[Bald Brian]

Sure, of course.

[Teresa Strasser]

Joe go.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. 30 rock.

[Ben Schwartz]

Mm.

[Bald Brian]

I mean, third rock from the Sun.

[Ben Schwartz]

Did you guys see Inception?

[Teresa Strasser]

I saw Inception.

[Ben Schwartz]

Did you like it?

[Bald Brian]

He's in third Rock from the Sun. Yes, he was. He's.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's gone on to be quite an adult actor.

[Ben Schwartz]

500 Days of Summer.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, he's a. 500 Days of Summer. He was in a lot of really.

[Bald Brian]

Good movies last summer.

[Ben Schwartz]

GI Joe, 500 days of summer. I, by the way, overrated.

[Bald Brian]

It is.

[Teresa Strasser]

But he was good, and he was good in Inception.

[Ben Schwartz]

Inception was amazing.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a great movie.

[Bald Brian]

He's made quite a career for himself. And let me just say this. From all the people, from him to Johnny Depp to other folks that now Jason Bateman and guys like that who are doing kind of schmaltzy, you know, sitcom y or cop drama things in the 80s or 90s or whatever, they've gone on their film careers. To all the assholes that said, I can't stop being typecast. No, it's not that. Or if it is, they've gotten over it somehow. They've gotten it over. You're listening. Bob Denver. No, but I'm just saying, if you're one of these guys that says, well, I was in 90210, so that's why I can't work anymore.

[Ben Schwartz]

I get typecast.

[Teresa Strasser]

Talent almost always wins out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. Well, these guys, I mean, fucking Johnny Depp was in 21 jumps.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's had arguably the hardest role of any, like, megastar. Of going from, like, you know, teen idol, heartthrob, lightweight roles to being a respected actor.

[Ben Schwartz]

Or look at someone like Julianne Moore who was on a soap opera.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

And manages to be one of the best working actresses today.

[Bald Brian]

You listening? Ian Zuring.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't think he is.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like, I could never come up with the name Ian Zuring right now.

[Bald Brian]

You're too tired.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what I miss, by the way, we'll never get to experience again is David Arquette busting down our door. That was by nature of it being a podcast, you know what I'm saying? Like, he would bust down the door occasionally on the live show.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. I mean, please stop me if I'm wrong. Happened more than once where he actually just came into the studio after I was talking smack about it. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Once on Loveline in the middle of a show and then once on the morning show. We're talking about Alexis Arquette, I think.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Came and told us the show, a brother or whatever it was. Toaster. I don't know what it is.

[Ben Schwartz]

You were being so mean to her.

[Bald Brian]

She was such a cunt. She had a little bit of a.

[Ben Schwartz]

Chip on her shoulder.

[Bald Brian]

Chip Fucking size of Paul Bunyan's ox.

[Ben Schwartz]

David Arquette. And you know what? He's unpredictable. And that's. I associate that quality with somebody who's truly funny.

[Bald Brian]

David Arquette.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

David Arquette is a. Yeah. I'll tell you the thing about Arquette. Good soul. It's just. Good guy. It's like just a. He's got a good vibe. There's. There's a couple of guys out there that have that, you know, good vibe and guys who don't have that good vibe. And Arquette's good vibe said, like Robert Downey Jr. There's a handful of guys that just have a really. Joel McHale has a great vibe. Zach Levi. There's some guys are just like really cool vibes and other guys pains in the ass.

[Ben Schwartz]

Getting back to Joseph Gordon Levitt, he told Details magazine, when I was in high school, I loved sports, smoking weed, I loved it. But I cut myself to once a month. That was my rule.

[Bald Brian]

Once a month?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

So again, he wanted to continue to enjoy it. It sounds like he didn't want to become a pothead.

[Bald Brian]

I'd like to talk to Dr. Drew and see how much that once a month business he buys from Levitt.

[Ben Schwartz]

Does that really mean once a week?

[Bald Brian]

There's nobody who does anything who says they do it less than what they actually do or do more than what says they do it more. You know what I mean? If somebody says I do something once in a while, they meet about four or five times a week. And if they say, you know, I smoke pot once a month, you can probably swap out month for weekend, Right? Which is fine. I'm not judging. Just say do it. You know why I don't buy once a month? Why once a month to me is a liar. If you tell me I smoke pot on occasion, like just a rare occasion, like if I'm on vacation, we're hanging out, we're in the Bahamas, we're at the beach.

[Teresa Strasser]

Going to see Sex in the city too.

[Bald Brian]

Going to see Sex in the city too, and I eat myself one of those Listerine postage stamps and freak out. If you say that, I buy it. If you say I smoke pot every day, I buy it. If you say I smoke pot about every weekend, I buy it. Once a month is a no man's land where you're not really hanging out with Dawson and you ain't hanging around with Brian.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're caught between Dawson and Brian.

[Bald Brian]

You're also caught in a lie and the moon in New York City. Because it's bullshit. If you like. Like, here's the thing. I don't really smoke weed anymore. So for me, I don't smoke weed once a month. I will on rare occasion. I'm not judging. I'm just. I drink red. Red wine.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

I just want. But I will smoke weed, but it's not once a month. If you smoke it once a month and you say once a month, you don't even, by the way, for people really smoke weed once a month. They don't know they smoke weed once a month. They would tell you a couple times a year.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Like, if it kind. If someone has it and you get a wild hair.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

You don't really see. You don't acquire it.

[Bald Brian]

Mm. I know it's crazy, but it's true. I'm telling you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Are they gonna remake this movie?

[Bald Brian]

Wow. Feel like.

[Ben Schwartz]

I feel like I heard that Alexis.

[Bald Brian]

Arquette will star in it.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think they are remaking it with Russell Brand.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Oh, and Alexis Arquette in the Liza Minnelli role.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay, here's a shocking one, and I'll wrap up after this. Stephen Colbert as a sexy stoner in a live speaking engagement in 2006. And in San Francisco, he mentioned that smoking weed in high school influenced his comedy.

[Bald Brian]

Also, you have to consider the source and the environment. It's like when a politician gets up in front of a bunch of guys who are in a labor union, they're pro labor. And when a comedian's in San Francisco and there's a lot of herb going around and you know you're gonna get a fuck yeah at everyone, then you're weed smoker. If you're talking to the Young Republicans Committee and you're in Arkansas, then it's not so much. You know what I'm saying? That too. But either way, who gives a fuck? Smoke up. You want to smoke up. You don't want to smoke up, don't smoke up. We should stop enforcing everything and stop fucking talking about it once and for all. Let's just move on with our lives.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, that helps me to round out this list because poor Kimora Lee Simmons got busted in 2004 for possession. She had a couple grams of weed in her bends.

[Bald Brian]

Well, they should lock her up and.

[Ben Schwartz]

Throw away the key just in her case.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, yes, that's the news. She looks like a female impersonator, doesn't she?

[Allison Rosen]

Coming up.

[Bald Brian]

If you don't.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's the new thing. Remember when Lisa Lampanelli was here and she said there's, like, the five ways you can roast women. It's like, fat, big, vagina, slutty. What am I missing?

[Teresa Strasser]

That sleeps around.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, the slutty, old, ugly, fat.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I remember, I realized there's also true.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

And you know how I learned that? Because somebody took the liberty of posting on my blog that I look like a tranny.

[Bald Brian]

Really? I had no idea.

[Ben Schwartz]

I never even considered. I mean, I considered a lot of flaws, but I never. That one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait, was it a hot. Was it a hot tranny?

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, they had made their. They'd made their name tranny Teresa. It was like a specific person that spends a lot of time on the Internet attacking me in various ways, but I hadn't thought of that. And I realized, oh, yeah, that's another one. Because you on the HOF Roast, that does come up where somebody looks like a tranny. That is another way of roasting a woman.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I'm going to have Donnie settle their hash by taking their coffee order later on in the day. And not only. The only thing worse than getting the wrong size is having the guy got it for you walk away laughing. When I was walking away laughing, I was laughing at how you can get so frustrated. He even walked away and, like, he looked at me, Theresa, and said, you know what? I'm going back to get a large. He was so insulted. That's why I'm laughing at his frustration. Well, you brought me a Dixie riddle cup filled with coffee latte, and I wanted a.

[Ben Schwartz]

You do like your coffee.

[Bald Brian]

I do, but. And I would air. Donnie would have no way of knowing.

[Ben Schwartz]

That you've only known. Been friends, close friends, for three days.

[Bald Brian]

Well, went to the same place the first two days before that. What about Twain's drinking pots of coffee in the beginning? Well, that's my whole point. Why not get the large? That's what I'm saying. All right, I'm sorry. All right. Here's the other thing, too.

[Ben Schwartz]

I feel like there's been a lot of healing.

[Bald Brian]

You don't have to be sorry. But you know the part where somebody fucks up and then right after fucked up, they kind of go like, yeah, I know. And you think to yourself, well, then, did you do it on purpose or.

[Ben Schwartz]

I needed to kick yourself a little tiny bit.

[Bald Brian]

You had a cup of coffee in the room. We're Jumping in the car to go driving. You want, like, a big, tall coffee? I ordered a large. I did. You're right. You knew it. On some level. You just decided I didn't need it. I think that was. That's what happened.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think he has some. Is there any unconscious maneuvering going on in the mind of Donnie?

[Bald Brian]

Everything he does is unconscious, rather than. I mean, subconscious. Oh, subconscious. I'm sorry. No, there was an element. Yes, there's an element.

[Ben Schwartz]

He doesn't want you to have too much caffeine.

[Bald Brian]

There's an element of. I'm ordering a small. You drank enough, right? You're gonna order small. You're gonna smell, too. You've had enough. I need you pulled over to take a piss.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Listen, it's like your 30 seconds on the microwave. It's 33. I'll take two small coffees. Yeah, it's big time saver. Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Saved the time.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

You have to carry the larger one and pay for it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. You can't take the time to say, I have a small and a large coffee. When you see that. That's a. I think they're both one. But listen, you're on a small roll, right?

[Ben Schwartz]

Don't break it by putting a large in there and confusing everybody.

[Bald Brian]

No, listen, if Donnie was a waiter, he'd do that thing. That's my favorite waiter move, where you go, you order a sandwich with no mayo. Brian. And then you order a sandwich, too. And I'll jump in.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'll take. Let me get a turkey sandwich, no mayo, please.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

And then the lady will be having just a BLT with no mail.

[Ben Schwartz]

What the fuck do I have to do with this mayonnaise?

[Bald Brian]

I was on a Mayo roll. That's the point. I assume that just because we're dying. I was thinking about mayo that we share. I thought of the word mayo. The word mayo came into my head. He said mayo. That's how it works.

[Ben Schwartz]

They do do that, don't they?

[Bald Brian]

They get on a roll. Yeah. I always laugh, thinking, yeah, that's where we met, at the.

[Ben Schwartz]

No Mayo Clinic.

[Larry Gatlin]

Come.

[Bald Brian]

All right, Weezer, I bust your chops because I love you. No, I'm just saying. Look, it's a T. You should take a page, actually a rolling paper out of Donnie's book.

[Ben Schwartz]

I should.

[Bald Brian]

And Donnie take a page out of teas book. That's where the truth lies. Somewhere in between walking away laughing doesn't really get you anywhere. And committing suicide over fucking up a coffee order doesn't get you. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Trying Too hard and trying not hard enough.

[Bald Brian]

A little in between.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

All right, where were we? Ah, I think Brian Posane is. Is here.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's hard to miss him out there.

[Bald Brian]

He's a lot of man. I can't believe you haven't had sex with him.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, there is Steve Agee.

[Bald Brian]

Pinnacle College, by the way. They do video games, sound design, and recording engineer programs. How does that work? I have no idea. They're in North Hollywood. You go in. It is a 9 to 12 month program. Some of their graduates. Graduates. Graduates, by the way, have won Emmys and Grammys and Oscars and. Oh. My point is focus, people. You like video games? Like playing with video games. You want to work in the lucrative world. I'm guessing those aren't going the way the dodo in the next four to six years. I'm guessing it's not like making moccasins or saddles. There will be plenty of jobs out there for people who design and do sound design on video games. But again, it doesn't have to just be that. Could be music, could be movies, could be television. They're offering the first video game sound design program. And Again, it's just nine to 12 months. Check them out at PinnacleCollege. Edu. That's PinnacleCollege. Edu. Or you can call them toll free at 888-590-8824. That's 888-590-8820.

[Adam Carolla]

NetCredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit. When other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. If approved, applications are typically funded the next business day or sooner. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partner net credit. Credit to the people.

[Bald Brian]

Before, you know, we gotta fix around here.

[Ben Schwartz]

What?

[Bald Brian]

That part where they put up on the screen, bring in Brian Posayn. And then I announce I'm gonna bring him in in a second, but then I do about two minutes worth of shuffling around and then he's not around.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's on deck.

[Bald Brian]

Ah. Hi, Brian. How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Have a seat.

[Bald Brian]

Good to see you.

[Brian Posehn]

Good to see you.

[Bald Brian]

You look. I don't want to use the word fit.

[Brian Posehn]

Well, for me, but for you, you.

[Bald Brian]

Look great on it.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

I have a kid and I don't want to die on him.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really? If you die on him, he's going, no, no, not literally, but you roll over on that kid. He's rolled over too.

[Ben Schwartz]

How old is your kid?

[Brian Posehn]

15 months.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, congratulations. And I told you it wasn't gay. T. No. Just because you're over 6, 9 and £300, you haven't attempted to have sex with our teeth. Assume that everyone in The NBA Power 4 in the NBA is gay.

[Brian Posehn]

Is that your thing? The big fellas for a while there, yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Ag. You know, he's a bigger guy.

[Brian Posehn]

Even bigger than me.

[Ben Schwartz]

It did not bother me. Although it was. I found it. One thing about it, creepy total strangers, even people who are kind of on the conservative side, would always be curious about his penis size. Be just because he was so tall.

[Bald Brian]

Right?

[Ben Schwartz]

They would just ask me.

[Brian Posehn]

No, that's a common thing for guys our size. Yeah, I get that all the time. Guys, this is assume. And yeah, like, guys your size are like. Will be the, you know, like, hey, what do you got there? Posay?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's my thing. Well, they assume two things. They assume you played sports in high school and then they assume you have a big honker, which neither are true. Well, you know what you should say now? You should combine your two answers and go, no, I did not play basketball. My cock was too big and the shorts could not contain them. And then the person we plumb. Out of questions.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, it creeped out, you know, creeped.

[Bald Brian]

Out, but out of question. So, Brian, first off, how much weight have you lost?

[Brian Posehn]

Not much yet. I think like 10 or 15, but really enough for people to notice.

[Bald Brian]

And it's weird. How does that work?

[Brian Posehn]

I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

Well, because I. I mean, you're so tall. 10 or 15 pounds wouldn't seem like much, but yet I noticed.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, but I was such a fat fucking fuck. Like just any little bit.

[Ben Schwartz]

Did you gain weight when your wife was pregnant?

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, that happened. And then just whenever I work on something, like the last season of Sarah Silverman, I ballooned up. And I think it was just being around another huge guy that was also eating shittily all day.

[Bald Brian]

Right. And playing video games. And Brian, also the big man sized lumberjack beard. I mean, it's almost like once you make the decision to grow that big beard, you almost have to grow into the beard.

[Brian Posehn]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

So it's.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, I think I got a little bigger once the beard started getting crazier and.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah, more and just being a big dude. Like there's, you know, when you're beardless and 5, 8 and small bones. 10 pounds. Seems like you've gained a Winnebago when you're 6, 8 big bone big. With the big Dan Haggerty beard, you can green let yourself go for a few months. So how about the kid? Let's talk about that.

[Brian Posehn]

It's awesome. He's a little guy. And I just, it's been weird because I was one of those people thought that I would never have a kid. And then plus in my stand up act, being kind of negative about kids too. Just sort of changing and then trying not to change too much, you know, because I don't want to lose the guys who love my masturbating material.

[Bald Brian]

Sure. Tough. And what? And so what? Being a guy who never thought he'd have kids, I sort of felt that way too myself. And I'm wondering where you got your I'm one of those guys who's never gonna have kids feeling.

[Brian Posehn]

It came from a couple of places. And I used to be so negative. Like I used to. I do a joke about it. But how like when I was young, my, my cousin got his, his girlfriend pregnant and I was like, my family hated me because I came out so against like, oh, you know, how can you do that? You know, how can you ruin your life? That's just the way I looked at it when I was younger. And then I just never thought it was something for me. And then I think part of it was my last girlfriend before my wife was never gonna have a kid too, so. And I was with her for a long time. So it just became kind of my mantra that I was gonna be one of those people.

[Bald Brian]

Well, the women usually bring the guys to it because the guys would. Being a sort of perpetual holding pattern state of adolescence. Especially doing comedy.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Essentially not having a job for a living or having a job that really didn't involve getting up before noon.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

You just go, fuck it. And a lot of comedians I know, Doug Benson, if you're listening, are just in this sort of perpetual, sort of adolescent circling of the airport and they're like, fuck it, I like smoking weed. I like making my own hours. I want to go to bed at 3, 3:30 in the morning. I want to wake up at 1 in the afternoon and I don't want anyone taking my money.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

And so you get this, it's a little self absorbed and ends up making you funnier. But if you have a woman who's like, fuck it, we don't need kids, then you're never gonna have kids. You kind of need to get with someone who goes, hey, I'm not getting any younger.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. And my wife was Originally, like on that side, like, well, if you don't want to have, you know, she didn't want to force me into anything. But then I sort of came around to the idea and it's great, isn't it? Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

How much of change, too. There's so many things that aren't your idea that are great in your life. You know, no one really explores that. You know, there's a lot of stuff where people say, look, you should get married or we should get married, or I mean, really. Truth be told, I would probably be dating with no kids for the rest of my life. If you just sort of asked me every day.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

If you woke me up every Monday morning and said, is this the week you get married? And I mean beautifully have two children, I would say, no, not this week. And then before you know it, I would be in my 80s going, no, not, you know, with a stroke case. No, I know exactly what you mean at some point.

[Brian Posehn]

And it's not like my wife suckered me into it or anything.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

But yeah, she presented. It was an idea. I had never thought of marrying her even, you know, like getting married.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Like, I was with her forever before she said, you know, you should pull the trigger.

[Bald Brian]

And we're sort of living in a time where guys can get away with it.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Especially stand up comedians. You know, you just announce, I'm not the marrying type or I'm a confirmed bachelor, whatever.

[Brian Posehn]

Or you just say, I'm a stand up comedian.

[Bald Brian]

Comedian. And it's perfect because you go, listen, you know, with my, you know, on the road, crazy hours, crazy travel, never know where your next paycheck comes in. Whoring. Jesus. Should have stopped on the road. But yeah, you just go, wouldn't work. Would you like me to be a dad? Not never, never here. And blah, blah, blah, blah. So you have every excuse in the world, but I love the fact that you're digging being a dad.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, I'm having a blast. And it's real cool, you know. You know, Patton had a kid around the same time, so. And then I have another really good friend of mine whose baby is like a month older. And then Dave Anthony, another good friend of mine. We all had kids around the same time. Patton thinks, because we came home from Comic Con and we're all horny. We all impregnated our wives after looking at Scarlett Johansson in the Black Widow costume and what? That's what he thinks happened.

[Ben Schwartz]

But honestly, birthdays cluster around September because they're New Year's Eve babies.

[Brian Posehn]

Maybe we all came home around August, September, and then our kids all came out in the spring.

[Bald Brian]

And what about the. The math works out, the parenting and not wanting to have kids? Like, I came from a shitty family, so I kind of understand my thing, but your family.

[Brian Posehn]

I have a thing. No, I have a thing that I never really talk about, but my dad died when I was 2, so I was.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really?

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. So I always. And that was a big thing, like, I got made fun of for not having a dad. And really, that was part. I mean, part of why I took a lot of hits when I was a kid was my looks. But it was also raised by a single mom and we didn't have money.

[Bald Brian]

And what were your look? All right.

[Brian Posehn]

I was the poor kid. Poor kid. And then also skinny and weird and then tried to be funny, and people didn't think I was funny initially.

[Ben Schwartz]

How did your dad die?

[Bald Brian]

They don't know if you're funny is the problem.

[Brian Posehn]

Right, right. But then by senior in high school, I had turned it all around. I was like the dj and.

[Bald Brian]

But the dye had been by then. Yeah. Now, where is this growing up?

[Brian Posehn]

Northern California. Sonoma.

[Bald Brian]

And the mean streets of Sonoma.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Well, I came from San Jose. Like, I moved from a city when I was 9 years old and then moved up to Sonoma. And you'd think, like, the country kids would be cool. You think it would be the reverse. But it was brutal. At home to the country. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

After your dad died, hitting his head on a door jam, it must have been difficult. No. What happened with his father?

[Brian Posehn]

Blood disease. And just like some crazy, like, soap opera disease that just, like, they tell you you're gonna die, and then you die, and it.

[Bald Brian]

And at age, it's always a tragedy, but it too. Do you remember much of it, but.

[Brian Posehn]

You just grow up kind of knowing there's a hole.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

Knowing that you're not like the other kids and seeing that you're not like the other kids, and then the kids reminding you constantly that you're not like them.

[Bald Brian]

So they really were cruel about it. Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, yeah. I had kids. Like, a kid was making fun of me, and I go, well, my dad's dead. And he goes, well, dig him up, you know? And like, that was the thing I'll remember forever.

[Bald Brian]

Pick him up.

[Ben Schwartz]

It makes me like, I want to get in this time machine, and then I want to hit that kid in the face.

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So, yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

I don't know why my mom didn't flip out and kill all these kids.

[Bald Brian]

That Remained in the. How was your mom? Was poor.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Well, single mom going to school and then working for the state and you know.

[Bald Brian]

Right. So.

[Brian Posehn]

And not poor.

[Bald Brian]

But not knowing how hard it is.

[Ben Schwartz]

With two parents to raise a kid. Can you. Now do you have new appreciation for your.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And how, how did your mom, how was your relationship with your mom?

[Brian Posehn]

Really good when I was young. And then I went through the rebellious thing and then I kind of born lamed her when I was, when I, when I got picked on so much.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

I had a lot of resentment and I couldn't come home and you know. Well, yeah, I mean I had kids calling me faggot and throwing stuff at me like I.

[Ben Schwartz]

She didn't defend you?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Brian Posehn]

And I came home and I would complain about it and she'd go, oh, kids called me giraffe. And I'm like, giraffe is not the same as faggot. Like she was a six foot lady growing up in the 50s.

[Bald Brian]

Sure.

[Brian Posehn]

So she got some grief.

[Bald Brian]

Sure, sure.

[Brian Posehn]

But not compared to, you know, the skinny kid.

[Bald Brian]

Well, it is weird. I mean one of the. It's a thing that I marvel at. I mean, it's sad that you're jealous when you turn on the news and they got the 15 year old black kid with his shirt off and his pants down. He's being pushed into the back of an LAPD car and you see that huge black mama like banging on the gate in the project. You let me at him. You get away from my baby. And I think to myself, wow, I wish I had that mama.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, my mom. No, you're staying there.

[Bald Brian]

My mom would have never done shit. She would have been out of the house. But. So I wonder if. And your mom must have been obviously going to school, working, being burdened by not having a lot of help, a lot of money, having a husband, died a widow, blah, blah, blah. See, I believe that you sort of see life and have experiences sort of through the filter of your childhood. And so whatever you were to your parents, well then you think potentially your kids are going to be to you. And my parents treated their kids like a royal pain in the ass. Just like, oh, God damn. You want to ride? Where? Oh, it's going to cost what? What you want $12 for a windbreaker that says East Valley Trojans on it? Please, we're not made of money. Like everything, everything was met with an exhale. Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Netcredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit when other lender apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. If approved, applications are typically funded the next business day or sooner. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partner netcredit credit to the People.

[Bald Brian]

So I just grew up thinking, wow, kids gotta be the world's biggest bummer. I just thought, what a pain in the ass. Cause my parents were just exhaling, and meanwhile, they never enjoyed any. They never went to any of the football games or thought anything was good. So none of the positive, all of the negative means, well, kids suck. They take your money, you get no enjoyment from them, and next thing you know, they want to ride to Van Nuys to hang out with their buddy Teddy. It's such a bummer. So I got that and I just thought, well, why would anyone want kids?

[Brian Posehn]

Well, see, I thought I would die as soon as I had a kid.

[Bald Brian]

That's even worse.

[Brian Posehn]

Like, I grew up with that going, why have a kid? Because I'm just gonna die on him. Because obviously this runs on the family. Even though I had nothing to base that on, I would have been only the second one, but. Right.

[Bald Brian]

Right. Interesting. So it is nice. It feels good that you were led to that intimacy and that even against what would have been your wishes.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, well, I feel like I did a lot of growing up in the last 10 years, and not just from my wife, but just all the way around, just, you know, and I just sort of fell into it or it made more sense as I'm, you know, acting more like an adult. Even though I. I'm wearing short pants, but still. And I got high in the afternoon, I'm still totally an adult. For compared to who I am and compared to most comedians, most of my.

[Ben Schwartz]

Friends, it must be kind of a beautiful experience, having never had really a father to be one.

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, it is. Yeah. Yeah, It's. It's already really cool. And the one thing I'm loving, and he's totally obsessed with me and.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Like, he does the. The hi Dada thing, and he doesn't say, hi, mama. And so it's hilarious because it bugs my wife. So, like, I've got this thing to kind of hold.

[Bald Brian]

It's like living with the brawny man or the big guy who'd be out in front of the tire store, the big, giant fiberglass guy holding up the tires or something like that, you know, like living with the, you know, yeti or something. I Mean, it's very exciting. Is it for a kid, you know.

[Brian Posehn]

To have a big lumberjack? Yeah. He pulls on it constantly.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right?

[Brian Posehn]

He loves the beard.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

But I think the big thing that. That plays into it is that I've been gone. I was, like, gone 100 days of his first year.

[Bald Brian]

You're on the road.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. So when I'm there, like, my wife's there every single day.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

So I'm more of a. Like, he doesn't know when he gets up if I'm gonna be there or not, so. And then when I show up, it's like a total surprise.

[Bald Brian]

The, by the way, name of the new album is called Fart Wiener Jokes. It is out on itunes, Amazon, and Brian's website. By the way, you can get him at Brian Posein. That's a P O S E H N dot com. You guys want to do a little made up movie? You guys in the mood for this? People call us, they throw out a title, and we just basically make up a movie around the title. So it's a. It's a challenge. But we usually land on our feet.

[Allison Rosen]

According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, in the year 2010, a hero would rise.

[Bald Brian]

To turn your movie titles into blockbusters. Glad it's not me. Glad that ain't me. That hero is Adam Corolla. Boy, that could be me. And this is made up Movie. All right, Adam, I have no idea what's going on with the phones, but I'm assuming they're not plugged in or ready to go, but I'll give it a try. Hey, Ray.

[Brian Posehn]

Let'S see.

[Bald Brian]

Donnie's got to hit something. I just hit.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep doing something.

[Bald Brian]

All right, something's wrong with the phones here, Weezer. Let's see if that works. Hey, Ray Hayden. Or didn't one just drop off and switch over? All right, I don't think this thing's gonna work. Donnie's gonna fix. Something's wrong with the phone lines, which we normally don't prepare before we do phone calls or people phone in, but I don't know. Donnie can try it out. Yeah, see, now what happens? I don't know. Is it plugged in? Oh, we know we're gonna take phone calls, Donnie. Yeah, yeah. All right, but don't kick yourself in the ass. That's the important part.

[Brian Posehn]

Well, he was in immediately, like.

[Bald Brian]

All right.

[Brian Posehn]

The response time was pretty impressive.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, pretty good response time. All right, give it a try. All right, you ready to try a little?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Bald Brian]

All right. Do not beat yourself up. That's the important part. Let's laugh it off. There you go. Hey, Michael, Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great.

[Bald Brian]

We have a mic on the mic, so it's extra confusing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, we have the titles.

[Bald Brian]

We have the titles.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

All right, let me try it. Hello. That's funny when they do it. Hello. All right, now listen, it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Look who wants to do.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, A date. We knew we're gonna try to take phone calls, right? Oh, there's the car.

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, did I do it?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Brian Posehn]

Did I kick it loose?

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't hook in.

[Brian Posehn]

Sasquatch walked in. He didn't kick it loose.

[Bald Brian]

There. We're good now. Hey, Michael, have another drop.

[Brian Posehn]

Yo.

[Bald Brian]

We do know when we're gonna take phone calls though, right? Yeah, no big deal.

[Brian Posehn]

You guys have a meeting.

[Bald Brian]

Well, they plan it. They go, we're gonna do made up movie. Maybe he thought people were gonna walk in the titles like they normally do. All right, Sorry, Michael. Yo, what's going on? How are you? Good. I'm a big fan. First of all, I want to say thanks, Michael, do you have a title of a movie you like?

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Try this on. Misfortune Cookies. Mmm. Miss Fortune Cookies. Run with it.

[Brian Posehn]

So it's Jackie Chan and Jet Li.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

All right. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Ray Liotta plays the heavy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, wait. Yes. Jackie Chan, Jet Lee, they're hitman. And they get that they're on the Yakuza. And they get their, like, the next assignment, the next hit.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Fortune cookie.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, that's.

[Teresa Strasser]

That way they disavow all knowledge of having gotten the.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

And Jet Li gets a cookie that tells him he has to kill Jackie Chan.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

And Jackie Chan gets the same cookie about Jet Li.

[Brian Posehn]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And it's his honor. Right. And it's. It's. And so there's comedy, but there's also action and pathos in it.

[Brian Posehn]

Yes, of course. And then it's got heart.

[Bald Brian]

It's got a lot of heart.

[Ben Schwartz]

Because one of them's gonna have to have, like, a kid.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Oh, I'll tell you what. Jackie Chan is a beautiful Eurasian daughter. Who, Jackie Chan or Jet Li? I can't remember.

[Brian Posehn]

Jackie's the older guy.

[Bald Brian]

Jackie's got a beautiful Eurasian daughter. Jet Lee wants to. Is dating her.

[Brian Posehn]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

And. And.

[Brian Posehn]

But behind Jackie's back, he doesn't know it.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Brian Posehn]

But in the second act, certain point.

[Bald Brian]

This, where the heart comes out, he finds out she's pregnant with Jet's kid.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Little Cessna. I guess you'd name your kid if you're Jet late, right? Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

Single engine.

[Brian Posehn]

Single engine.

[Bald Brian]

Piper Cub. So the point is. Is. Point is. Is you can't kill him now because you're essentially killing the father of your grandchild. Yeah, that's where. That's where it gets. But tons of. Tons of action, tons of intrigue.

[Brian Posehn]

Now then at the end, they both kill the guy that set them both up.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Find the guy, team up.

[Brian Posehn]

Of course.

[Bald Brian]

Set. Set them both up. Yeah. And maybe. Maybe that's Ray Liotta. Maybe Ray Liotta did that.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I think it has to end with something funny happening at the wedding of the. The pregnant gal.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

You know, she's pregnant at the wedding and.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

I can't remember which one is. Is her daughter.

[Bald Brian]

It's Jackie Chan's daughter.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah. He walks her down the aisle.

[Bald Brian]

Right? Yeah, yeah. And there's a. Yeah, there's a crazy.

[Ben Schwartz]

Something.

[Brian Posehn]

Something hilarious happens.

[Ben Schwartz]

Something hilarious.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, maybe there's one.

[Brian Posehn]

And then Turning Japanese comes on and they roll credits.

[Bald Brian]

The thing that's funny is almost everybody on the bride and groom side is a third degree black belt. Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Of course.

[Bald Brian]

So it's just, oh, here's the comedy. Here's what happens. Some bumbling sort of gang banger. So that's multiracial, but that we set.

[Brian Posehn]

Up earlier, like in a B story.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. They're like stoner gang bangers. And they stumble onto this wedding and they're like easy pickings. Lots of guys in their big fat wallets, lots of old men. And it just turns into a crazy kung fu thing where they just whip the shit out of all these gang banger guys who show up. They think they're gonna get in there and grab all the cash at the wedding and grab the cake and do all that.

[Ben Schwartz]

The old people and the kids.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And the bride and reveals herself as a hitman.

[Ben Schwartz]

And by the way, just for the.

[Brian Posehn]

Closing credits, she's got a baby in her tummy.

[Ben Schwartz]

For the closing credits. Can they all be like, you open the fortune cookie and then directed by.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bust open the cookie.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Candy. That's it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Oh, this is gonna be good. Misfortune cookie. I like that. All right, let's talk to Mike. Mike, Adam, what do you got for us in the made up movie department? All right, Adam, here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm thinking conjoined twins, separate mother.

[Bald Brian]

You got a father. Mike. Mike. You give the title and we tell you the name of the movie. You give us the title of the movie, we describe the movie.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, I mean, does he want to give us the plot and we give him the title, because there's no reason we couldn't do that.

[Bald Brian]

We're gonna break down. I gotta fire a call screen. Give us the name of the movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Salt and pepper.

[Bald Brian]

All right, I got it. Conjoined twins.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Different mother.

[Bald Brian]

One black, one white.

[Brian Posehn]

Tracy Jordan and Seth Rogen.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Yeah. And it is crazy.

[Ben Schwartz]

I can already see the trailer now. I mean, Rogan's trying to have sex, and Tracy Morgan's Tracy Morgan.

[Brian Posehn]

I always call him by his character, Tracy Jordan.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he said Jordan.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. What a racist asshole.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, just asshole. Or just racist. But either way. Yeah, they're conjoined. Yeah. They had a black father and a white mother, and it just turned out this way. This is awesome. They have to learn from each other.

[Brian Posehn]

The father and the mother. We gotta catch them. Right?

[Bald Brian]

That's. That's a good point. Let's make. Let's say. Let's make the mother Cicely Tyson. Wow. That's. That's possibly dead.

[Ben Schwartz]

She's. She's an older.

[Bald Brian]

All right, we gotta go. All right. All right.

[Brian Posehn]

Dad, is De Niro doing another hilarious part?

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, De Niro's believable.

[Bald Brian]

That could be funny. I could make it more of a Harold Ramis type just because he played his dad already and not up. You have Harold Ramis. And now, how about this? Robert Downey Jr. As a black woman.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Posehn]

There we go.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Now we got something going on. Right. And now do we have Tracy, sort of the studious one, who's a little more uptight? And for some reason, even though.

[Brian Posehn]

But now they didn't know each other growing up. Right. Now they're together in the first.

[Ben Schwartz]

They're conjoined.

[Bald Brian]

They're conjoined. They literally came out of Mama that way. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

May I just say, I think they should have a sister. And I would like to cast Kardashian. No, the girl from Precious who you thought, well, she's never going to get another role.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, she'd be fun.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. We have her in there as the sister.

[Brian Posehn]

But what happens on page 15? What's the conflict? I mean, what.

[Ben Schwartz]

They want to be separated and a doctor. A doctor, finally. You know, like, maybe there always seem to be.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on. They don't have the money.

[Ben Schwartz]

They've got to raise it.

[Bald Brian]

They got to raise the money.

[Ben Schwartz]

And in the end, do they really want it?

[Brian Posehn]

One of them wants to do something else. Like Seth Rogen wants to be a dancer.

[Bald Brian]

Right, Right.

[Brian Posehn]

Or something.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. So they have to raise the money. What are they going to do to get the money? Because insurance will not cover the separation of conjoined twins.

[Teresa Strasser]

Greatest strip tease ever.

[Brian Posehn]

Ah, they go, they go.

[Bald Brian]

They take to the poll, they take to the park.

[Ben Schwartz]

Just realize you're playing Salt Peppa. Took me a second.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. It must become exotic male dancers.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Brian Posehn]

To Ebony and Ivory.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. And there's a lot of hijinks, like in the commercial where they're on the edge of the stage at the bachelor party, they both just go ass over teakettle into the frame.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right. And of course, we'll have to have the Michael Jackson Black or White song.

[Brian Posehn]

Right? And then one of them, like, takes like a drug that they're, you know, like, for that they have an allergy to.

[Bald Brian]

Right? And the other one.

[Brian Posehn]

And then it affects the other guy.

[Bald Brian]

Right, Right.

[Brian Posehn]

When he can't be like, he's going for a job interview.

[Bald Brian]

Right? Yeah, yeah, the job interview. They're total lightweights. Like, Seth Rogen's a huge stoner.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

But Tracy Morgan, you just give him half of one of Sarah Silverman's pot brownies and he's three sheets for the next two days.

[Brian Posehn]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

So he. It goes through his system as well. Now there needs to be. They both fall in love with Halle Berry and claim her as their own.

[Ben Schwartz]

Now, did they meet her at one of these strip clubs?

[Bald Brian]

She reluctantly goes along to one of her friends bachelorette parties. That's the thing. And they both see her exactly between the two of them. Like, she's. Come on, she's black, she's white. What are you talking about? She's mine. No, she's not. Right.

[Brian Posehn]

So then, so how does it end? Does it end with them getting back together? There's a sleep with her forever. They, they, they, they get rejoined.

[Bald Brian]

They, they, they. They're separated.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

That can join twins. But before, there's a crazy. One of the funniest scenes ever put to film. Lisa Lampanelli fucks the shit out of Tracy Morgan. Oh, yeah. And it's just. But while she's attached to Seth Rogen and it's just insane and stuff, being knocked over and a Chinese kid lighting firecrackers in the room. It's. It's total, total insane. Mostly improvised, but a crazy.

[Brian Posehn]

Trying to talk to his mom at the same time on the phone while Tracy's having sex with Lisa.

[Bald Brian]

We're joking.

[Ben Schwartz]

But the Wayans brothers have made worse movies.

[Bald Brian]

Absolutely.

[Ben Schwartz]

Much worse premises.

[Brian Posehn]

For sure.

[Bald Brian]

Absolutely. And there's a really disgusting, funny sort of everyone there's something about Mary sort of scene where Tracy pulls out when he's banging Lisa Lampanelli from behind and at the last second goes, oh, baby, I'm gonna come all over your back. And Lisa smacks him and it goes.

[Brian Posehn]

All over Rogan's hair.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, like, it's like. Oh, dude, it's covered with his own slimed again. Yeah, I didn't know all that. All right, I like this, by the way. Any of these movies could be made by Hollywood. I'm. I'm all for it. Hey, Mike. Yes, well, we had Mike and a Michael and a mic. This is Mike. What's happening, Mike? Where are you calling from?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm calling from New Hampshire.

[Bald Brian]

Hey. Yeah. What's going on? Not much. Just had a long day at the office. Mm. We're. We'll never come to New Hampshire and do comedy, so I'm gonna be honest with you. So I'm an hour north of Boston. Yeah, we're coming to Boston to do comedy, so enjoy. I shall. What's up? I'm of a made up movie title. This is perhaps a character piece called the Bird Feeder.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

I have. I have an idea.

[Ben Schwartz]

What do you got?

[Brian Posehn]

I think it's a horror movie.

[Bald Brian]

How about Russell Crowe is the silent he for the first half of the movie. No words.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like the piano.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like Wally.

[Ben Schwartz]

Jane Campion.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. He's a quiet. He's a quiet. What they think is a simple man.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like Boo Radley.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Who's that?

[Ben Schwartz]

He's the guy to kill a mockingbird from a book. Yeah, but that was made into a movie, so there's a chance he could be familiar.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he had that song that black guy used to sing about him. Bo Radley. Bo Radley Bow. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Played by Robert Duvall.

[Bald Brian]

I'm thinking about Diddley. Point is this. Who's in that Nike commercial, right, with the. Yeah. Anyway, Bo Radley. All right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Bono's.

[Bald Brian]

Bono's literature. The point is this.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Bald Brian]

So Russell Crowe plays a simple man. It's. It's 19. It's a period piece, but from the 50s, of course. He's a very simple man from the 50s. And he works on a huge estate and his job. And he's a groundskeeper.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wears overalls.

[Bald Brian]

Wears overalls. And he quietly just tends his business. But there's a lot of those scenes where, like, he's in the yard reform, filling the hummingbird feeder.

[Ben Schwartz]

He takes care of the birds.

[Bald Brian]

And he's up on his. A frame ladder and he sees through the window what's Going on.

[Ben Schwartz]

Like he can see that little bit Hitchcock.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he can see. We see the world through his eyes. Like most of the movies are about the people that are the focal point. The rich guy, the industrialist who's the head of the house and the, the matriarch or the patriarch of the house and so on and so forth. But this is through the eyes of one of the silent people. Right, right.

[Brian Posehn]

Just because the most observant person.

[Bald Brian]

Just because he doesn't talk.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Now, bird's eye view. Bird's eye view starts up a relationship with the polio stricken daughter of this couple. She's 9.

[Brian Posehn]

She's 9.

[Bald Brian]

She's nine. Has full blown polio. She likes him and she. Yeah. Befriends him and, and she reaches out to him. She's the only one who'll. She goes around in a wheelchair with a blanket on her legs like fdr.

[Ben Schwartz]

And she asks about the birds.

[Bald Brian]

Uh huh. She's the only one.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

But questions. Yeah. And he's a little suspicious, but he opens up to her and we see there's a moment, there's a pivotal moment when one of the birds falls out of the nest, lands on the ground. She picks up the bird. He picks up the bird and snaps its neck quickly and says the bird will be shunned by the mother once it smells the presence of.

[Ben Schwartz]

Does this foreshadow what's gonna happen?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, but it's him explaining it's the humane thing to do, but her being freaked out, but it lets the audience know he's gonna break her neck. He'll do what needs to be done if it needs to be done, to.

[Brian Posehn]

Protect her, push her into the well.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think that's what's gonna happen.

[Bald Brian]

I think he's gonna protect her.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, he's gonna protect. Protect her because that's the only person who he's close to.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. And then we start to realize that the father again, all through the eye of the simpleton groundsman known as Russell Crowe. That he's a philanderer, that he's abusive, that he's a drinker. I mean, he's essentially Patton Oswald.

[Brian Posehn]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

That would be a beefy role for him.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, that'd be good. Well, he proved himself with. Big fan.

[Bald Brian]

He absolutely did. He can go dark. He was great in that. It was a very enjoyable movie. I just saw that on cable recently, so. But we'll probably go for a guy, you know, we'll go for a Pierce Brosnan.

[Brian Posehn]

The studio's not gonna sign.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they're not gonna sign off a pen, not with this kind of budget. Pierce Brosnan is the guy for that, all right? Yeah. And he's very cruel. And at a certain point, he's gonna send Emily, his beloved nine year old, he really wants. Ah, you know what? He's not her biological dad. He's the stepdad. And he wants her sent off to some sort of camp somewhere so that he can get the home and be running in the home because she's the.

[Brian Posehn]

Benefactor that he's gonna.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, I think he's gonna send her to an institution for people with polio because he's embarrassed to have her around.

[Bald Brian]

Ah. How about this? Let's go darker. She's the benefactor of this sprawling estate.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. So he's gonna kill her and he's poisoning her.

[Bald Brian]

He's gonna kill her. And at some point, the bird feeder needs to settle his hash. Step in, it's dark.

[Brian Posehn]

And then he snaps Pierce Brosnan's neck, Right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Just like he did the bird.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. He has that weird, quiet guy. Groundsman strength, Right? I don't know why. The groundskeeper.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's like Lenny and Of Mice and Men.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I don't know that dude either, but cool. From Motorhead. Lenny. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Of Mice and Men. Steinbeck. You know, the guys who make the P.S.

[Brian Posehn]

I made that into a movie, too.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's trying to play with her. Yeah. Bladed 2 movie with Sherilyn Fenn. He's trying to pet her head because his hair.

[Bald Brian]

Her hair's soft. And then he acts color movie. Or one of those black and white ones.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, they made one in black and.

[Brian Posehn]

White and then she's done a couple of her version. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Is this the dude?

[Ben Schwartz]

No.

[Brian Posehn]

However, Anthony Edwards do a version of Mice and then.

[Bald Brian]

Did he.

[Brian Posehn]

Wrong.

[Ben Schwartz]

Gary Sinise did one of them and. Oh, gosh, wasn't John Malcolm with Lenny?

[Bald Brian]

Huh?

[Ben Schwartz]

But speaking of.

[Brian Posehn]

You didn't see that.

[Ben Schwartz]

You didn't see that one.

[Bald Brian]

I just know Motorhead. I never caught him when they came into town. But Lenny seems like an awesome dude.

[Brian Posehn]

Yes. He's always at the Rainbow.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you can smell them when you drive past.

[Ben Schwartz]

One of Brian's passions is the metal.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, thrash metal. All right. Hey, we have a little clip from Brian's album, by the way, part two of the news. Should we hear a little clip? Yeah. I don't know if you want to set this up, because I don't know.

[Brian Posehn]

If you know it, but it might be my song.

[Bald Brian]

Ah, it's Brian's song. Yeah. Fart and wiener jokes. This is off Brian Posein's new album. Let's hear it.

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, this is the gambler.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, the Gambler. That's right. Remake of the game bar.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Smart.

[Brian Posehn]

This song was asking to be metal this whole time.

[Bald Brian]

Never thought about it. Yeah. I met up with the gambler we were both too tired, too sleepy so we took turns a staring out the window at the darkness Till boredom overtook us and he began to speak he said, son, I made a life out of reading people's faces and knowing what their cards were by the way they held their eyes so if you don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Mind me saying I could see you're.

[Bald Brian]

Out of aces For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice so I handed him my bottle and he drank down my.

[Brian Posehn]

Dude. So listen to the lyrics. The lyrics are totally metal.

[Bald Brian]

You got to know when to hold up. Yeah. Know when to hold up. Know when to walk away and know what to.

[Brian Posehn]

I just hope Kenny Rogers had to hear this at some point to sign up on it.

[Bald Brian]

Be like, cancel my plastic surgery this morning. I want to hear this pose song.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, well, don't they have to? I don't know. When you. When you re record something, I think somebody has to approve it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I guess they do. I would have liked coward of the county or Lucille. Ruby. Ruby. I mean, don't take your love to town.

[Brian Posehn]

That's next.

[Bald Brian]

Have you ever really broken down the lyrics to Ruby don't take your love to town?

[Brian Posehn]

Well, she's a whore, right?

[Bald Brian]

Well, not really by trade, but she has to because she's a young woman and she has needs that aren't being satisfied by him. Because he was broken down in. In Korea, I believe he was left bent and twisted by the Asianic war. Do you have that song, Brian? If you really listen to the lyrics here, it's quite a.

[Allison Rosen]

It starts off, painted up your lips.

[Bald Brian]

And rolled and curled your tinted hair. Yeah. She's torn herself up that quick?

[Brian Posehn]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

He's good, Ruby.

[Ben Schwartz]

And to be fair, this is not the first time we've broken down the song.

[Brian Posehn]

This song.

[Bald Brian]

All right, so she put the curlers on and painted up her face. Now it's getting dark and she's heading into town so far, you know, so good. It's all right. Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Not a total bummer yet.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Maybe there's a nice trader Joe's or something.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Bingo night.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. You never know why she's going to town. And now we find out. Start that crazy Asian war.

[Allison Rosen]

But I was proud to Go into my patriotic chores.

[Bald Brian]

I got drafted and he went.

[Brian Posehn]

He's proud.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, proud.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it's true that I'm not the man I used to be.

[Bald Brian]

To me that means he can't perform right. Yeah. Can't satisfy his younger wife. You know, he's not. Not what he. Not what he was. But he still needs to need some company. Still needs some company. It's a good man. He's a patriot.

[Allison Rosen]

It's hard to love a man whose.

[Bald Brian]

Legs are bent and paralyzed. Oh, bent and paralyzed. Yeah. And the won't send the needs of a woman your age Ruby basically can't his old lady anymore.

[Brian Posehn]

A nice way to say it.

[Bald Brian]

I like this part.

[Brian Posehn]

Long till he's dead yeah everybody's counting the day, right?

[Bald Brian]

It's quietly one of the most depressing worlds are Station's hero yeah he's basically begging his young wife not to go some strangers around cuz I just heard the slamming she's splitting. Turns out he has another side to him too and that was just this week. So she does a lot of fucking in town and if I could move.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd get my gun and put her.

[Bald Brian]

In the ground he'd put her in the ground if he could move can't move.

[Brian Posehn]

Lucky for her.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I know. If you want to hang around with a guy want to put you in.

[Ben Schwartz]

The ground maybe that's why she takes.

[Bald Brian]

Her love to town Think you love yeah, I'd move my love into town too if I was going to be putting the ground and I love that.

[Brian Posehn]

The song is so cheery sounding too.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it's like hey, hey. Yeah, it sounds like a Cialis commercial.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, you kind of want the backup vocals to go. Wait, what did you say? You're going to shoot her?

[Teresa Strasser]

Those old guys.

[Brian Posehn]

No, we didn't sign up for this.

[Teresa Strasser]

Those old guys in the Vaga commercial get together and play in the band on weekends. This is the song they're playing.

[Bald Brian]

The band. Well, it's true. They can't get a boner. They got to go into their wives got to go in town and you.

[Allison Rosen]

Guys want to play Ruby again.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is an upbeat Diddy about a paralyzed guy whose wife is a. Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It'd be weird when the guy who just did the drum track for it, the session musician who laid it down months earlier, that's for a Kenny Rogers song. He probably thought it was another, you know, a foot snapper and a toe tapper. And then he heard this about the guy who's bent and paralyzed and his.

[Brian Posehn]

Dad Actually is like that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

So then his dad thinks that.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he's singing about him. Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Then he gets into some trouble at home and it's just a session drummer.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

He's like, I didn't write that.

[Bald Brian]

But. But you know, I'm telling our family story in Korean.

[Brian Posehn]

Your mother's a whore now.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, well, there is. It's funny you bring that up. Do you have the Coward of the County? All right, we'll work on that.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, that one's a bummer too, right?

[Bald Brian]

Well, not only that, but, you know, she's gang raped by the Gatlin brothers.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, I see that.

[Brian Posehn]

When does that happen? That happens in the lyrics.

[Bald Brian]

Well, the thing that's nutty about the Coward of the County.

[Brian Posehn]

And Lucille's a bummer too. Like, right?

[Bald Brian]

Every song he quietly sings, except for Islands in the stream is a bummer.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wait, what happens in Lucille?

[Brian Posehn]

There's some grief going on. I can't remember. Yeah, Cowder doesn't end with her dead or never stood.

[Bald Brian]

Lucille's got 18 kids or something. Lyrics out to Lucille. Yeah. Yellow something. That was kind of like pose growing up, right? No, dad. Everyone thought you the coward of the county. Well, at least reddish. Yeah, Reddish yellow.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Old.

[Bald Brian]

His daddy died in prison. His daddy died in prison. I mean, your dad wasn't in the joint. Cause he wasn't my brother's son. Ah, oh, so he's the uncle. I still recall the final words. Brother said to Tommy, son, my life is over, but yours has just begun. Uhoh. Promise. So before the chorus, the dad. Yeah, the dad died in the joint, by the way. I didn't. With kids whose dad died in the joint.

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

That was my policy. I feel that's a pretty scrappy kid who's seen a lot. Yeah. Dad probably taught him how to make a shank. Yeah. I see the guy with the teardrop tattoo next to the teardrop tattoo. Which means your dad died in prison. I don't fuck with that kid, but have it. Incidentally. The Gatlin brothers didn't get that message. He loved Becky in her arms. He didn't have to prove he was a man. She loved him for who he was.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah. Yeah, that his dad died.

[Bald Brian]

Gatlin boys came a calling. They took turns at Becky. Wait, there were three of them. They took turns in Becky. There were three of them.

[Brian Posehn]

Did they get multiple turns? It's sort of implying.

[Ben Schwartz]

Now who's Becky? I can't follow.

[Brian Posehn]

The only girl that.

[Bald Brian]

The only girl he loved was Becky.

[Brian Posehn]

And loved him back. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, she.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's how his dad died in prison.

[Bald Brian]

She liked him for what he was. Yeah. Everyone else knew he was yeller.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right, right.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. And evidently a.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

Becky saw him for what he was, and she loved it.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then these Gatling brothers came along.

[Adam Carolla]

They came and calling her.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

They had at her.

[Brian Posehn]

They each took turns.

[Bald Brian]

They each took turns. And there were three. And when he stopped, he goes, and there were three of them. Wow. Gross. And the best part about this whole story is when I interviewed Kenny. Kenny. Kenny Roberts. Kenny Rogers. Kenny Roberts was a motorcycle racer from the 70s. Kenny Rogers. I said there was an act called the Gatlin Brothers that were pretty famous around your time. He's like, yeah, I know. I toured with them many years. I'm like, were they rapists? How many Gatlin Brothers were there? He's like, there were three of them. There were three of them. So when you talked about the gang rapist named the Gatlin Brothers, when there was three of them and you were touring with the Gatlin Brothers, didn't you pause and go and make it the Johnson Brothers? And making four of them. Make it the Baldwin brothers. Making six of them. Like, one of the guys, he's like, yeah, there you go. And he started laughing, and I was.

[Brian Posehn]

Like, I did a shout out for.

[Bald Brian]

You on my new song, who Likes gang Rape? Listen to this. I got a great shout out for you. Gatlin Brothers. Next one. Like, Gatlin Brothers. Hey, who's in the gang rape? Hold a lighter over your head. All right. Awesome. Yeah. All right. This next song is not about consensual sex. All right, so the Gatlin Brothers. When there's three Gatlin brothers in real life, and there's three of them who raped Becky? There were three of them. Back in, Tommy opened up the door, saw his Becky crying. The torn dress, the shattered look was.

[Allison Rosen]

More than he could stand.

[Bald Brian]

So soon as he was done beaten off, he took down his daddy's picture.

[Brian Posehn]

He doesn't have crippled legs to stop him.

[Ben Schwartz]

His dad had already told him not to do what he had done.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they saw the picture.

[Brian Posehn]

So is his dad in jail for messing up some dudes?

[Bald Brian]

I'm guessing it wasn't tax evasion. Rarely. Rarely a topic touched upon in the country world, you know? Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

It wasn't white collar crime.

[Bald Brian]

Well, what really rhymes with deduction, Right?

[Brian Posehn]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Embezzle is tough.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it's a tough one, too. Yeah. Son, you don't have to buy to be a man. He was 1099 by his former employer in the previous tax quarter. He didn't claim enough dependence. It's really, it's wordy, you know, better just what rhymes are. Racketeering. Yeah. Better just put a man in the ground. Safer. Safer. Rhymes faster too. Uh oh, one of them got up, hit him halfway across the floor still in his refractory period Tommy turned around, they said hey look, ol Yellow's leaving. She could have heard a pin drop and Tommy stomped and locked the door. We locked the door. Yeah, it's the baddest ass move in the world. The baddest ass move in the world is putting the closed sign. Yeah, that means you're giving, you know, a world class ass kick and you lock the door. Although I would argue if I own the tavern, I'd be like, hey man, we're still up.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, you guys can fight, but you don't have to, you know, just take it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we make most of our money from the bar.

[Ben Schwartz]

I do have bills to pay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, every administrative ass meeting, these people are going to drink some beers.

[Bald Brian]

So why close the doors? Postein's doing two shows here on Friday and one show Thursday night. So if we could go ahead and reopen that door, that'd be awesome. All right. Sorry, 20 years of crawling was bottled up inside him. He's got a lot of ass whooping to give him nothing bad. He let em have it all. Tommy left the bar room hot. A Gatling boy was standing. He said this once for Becky as he was the last one for I heard him say I promised you dad not to do the things you've done. I lost. Maybe, maybe dad beat the shit out of Gatlin senior, but yeah, the other.

[Brian Posehn]

Thing is a sign of a badass when somebody starts talking to themselves after they just kicked your ass. Like that's frightening.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, talking to their dead dad.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, talking to Jesus or whoever they're talking to. That's just bad news.

[Bald Brian]

They should be talking to the police. But anyone else, you got problems. Yeah, yeah, so there you go. He was a coward in the county and there's a very valuable lesson in this.

[Ben Schwartz]

What is it?

[Brian Posehn]

Don't mess with.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, don't fuck with that guy.

[Brian Posehn]

Because after his dad is in prison.

[Bald Brian]

Brother'S gang rape, you're Becky, then you're gonna beat everyone into a coma in a tavern. I mean, it's again, uplifting message.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't taunt the guy whose wife you just raped too. Like, hey, yellow's leaving.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, that's the lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

They do a lot of that.

[Teresa Strasser]

In movies, the taunting after the raping is really the. The cherry on the horrible side.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's one thing to gang rape your girl.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

But then call you yellow on top of it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

During your refraction.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

And he just went to talk to those fellas. He just wouldn't say to straighten them out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Don't do that again. Don't rape my wife again.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's not cool.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

But then calling him yella.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. That's. That's what did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or give me a heads up when you're gonna rape her so I can put her raping dress on because this one's all torn and covered with goo.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean? And that was an expensive dress. Right. You know, I got my, you know, T. I don't want to get gross here, but you have your period underpants, right? Oh, yeah. So you have your raping dress, right.

[Ben Schwartz]

You don't mind if a little guy.

[Bald Brian]

Has a work T shirt?

[Adam Carolla]

He uses oil?

[Brian Posehn]

Have a raping dress.

[Bald Brian]

Well, when you're going to change your oil in your car, you don't put on it.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, no, exactly.

[Bald Brian]

Put a tux on.

[Brian Posehn]

I'll put on a free, like, comedy club T shirt or something. Yeah, yeah, right.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm sure you would have a raping outfit, too.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

You know you're gonna get dirtied up.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Oh, no, we have an outfit for raping.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's what I'm saying.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Same, same. Same shirt that I wear to change my car oil.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

Put my Tampa improvs in elastic waist pants and go out and rape.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, right. And to me, it's whatever I saw Patton Oswald wearing last because, you know, I'm feeling. No, he's a good guy. Just. I just went when the lineup hits, you know what I mean?

[Brian Posehn]

But nobody's gonna ever mistake you for him.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? But I feel like they go into a blackout thing and they go, I think the guy was funny. I saw him on cable. He did a kind of serious movie that people enjoyed but nobody watched. Well, there you go. That's Patton Oswalt right there, buddy. You're talking about the man, are you not?

[Ben Schwartz]

I would just be interested in Kenny's writing process. Like, when you sit down, do you first get the melody?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Or do you first think about, like, situation that shouldn't lend itself to song?

[Bald Brian]

It's got to be weird for the guy who collaborates with Kenny because the guy probably writes this cool little ditty now you go write a song about bucking off a horse or a picnic or something like that. I got one about gang raping and it's like, what? No, no, no. This is gonna be a little toe tapper. Remember? This is gonna be like for hayrides and shit like that. Come on, Kenny. I got one about a guy whose blades were bent and twisted in the Korean War. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, it's gonna be weird because, you know, there's some guy probably lays down the lick and then gives it to Kenny, and then Kenny does the lyrics. And again, one of these days, if we can book them, we'll get the Gatlin Brothers in here and see what they have to say about being serial rapist. Yeah, it was great.

[Brian Posehn]

He threw us into a song. But then when we heard the song.

[Ben Schwartz]

Good News and Bad News.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah, the manager told us Kenny wrote us into something. Yeah, Kenny was a good buddy up until that point.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, like, you know when someone writes a book and they thank their wife? This is kind of the opposite of. The opposite of that. All right, let's give a quick plug for Brian Persein before. Before we bring this baby home. Fart and Wiener Jokes is the name of the album. Got a little sidetracked with Kenny, but, hey, what are you gonna do? That's the way the show rolls. He's gonna be at the pipeline in Honolulu, September 1st. Good times, everybody. And, oh, I forgot to give a shout out to one of our best sponsors. Hell, they're not even sponsors. They're friends. Nay, lovers. Go to my PC. That's right, go to my PC dot com. How's it work? Well, you have a computer. Could be Macintosh, could be a PC. And you're away from your office and damn it, you need something from the office. Or you're playing the Pipeline in Honolulu and there's something on your home computer. Brian, you're booked at the Pipeline. You got a picture?

[Brian Posehn]

What am I gonna do? And I want to pull this thing up and I can't get.

[Bald Brian]

It's at your home computer. And your lovely wife is with you. And your beautiful 15 month old is with you as well. Well, what do you do? Go to my PC.com special offer, 45 day free trial just for my listeners. All you do is visit gotomypc.com and click on the Try it free button. Remember to use the promo code, Adam. That's the only way you get it for 15 days for free. I should say 45 days for free. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla. We're Ball Bryan and Brian Posein and Teresa Strasser saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

And now your Adam Carolla.

[Bald Brian]

Extra. Yeah. Time for a little extra content. Get an assist from my good buddy Brian. Yo, always good to have you back.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I'm stuck here because President Obama is in town doing a fundraiser, apparently in my neighborhood, and they've stopped traffic on all the major streets. They're all just by. My wife just texted me a picture. And people are stopped, like, on our side streets, like they can't even get through.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, let me say this. I've complained about this before. And listen, ass wipes, don't explain to me the nuances of politicking. Where and how does it work? Where you get to go out, not at the halfway point of your own campaign. And I was shouting about this when he did the View a few weeks ago. And start going out and either campaigning for yourself or somebody else. Get the fuck to work. You're the goddamn president. You have arguably the most important job on the planet. Certainly top three.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Other than being a parent.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I'm paying a Mexican lady.

[Bald Brian]

To do it while I'm here.

[Teresa Strasser]

So she has the most important job.

[Bald Brian]

The point is this. You have. Let's just put it this way, you have the most important job in this country. How about you hang in the office and get some work done? And don't give me this fucking. Oh, you're just a Barack hater. I'd say this to every president every time they're going on vacation, and I don't mind a vacation, but the fundraising and the campaigning for other fucking politicians, and by the way, ones that you probably don't even know or necessarily, they just happen to be in your party. Knock it the fuck off. I mean, who's he raising money for this time?

[Teresa Strasser]

I guess I have no idea. But it's obviously probably a Democratic candidate, right? Somewhere here on a congressional race.

[Bald Brian]

Well, here's who we have. We have Barbara Boxer over here, who's horrific. We have Dianne Feinstein, who's probably worse than she is. And then that only left leaves Schwarzenegger and Villa Ritardo. All of them are fucking not worthy of raising a fucking penny for. I wouldn't take what was in my fucking ashtray or even Dawson's, which has nothing but roach clips in it, and give it to those fucking idiots. By the way, here's all you need to know. California better before these fucking charlatans got to town. Or worse. Obviously it's worse. The place is a dump. Barack needs to go the fuck back to the Oval Office and get some shit done. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

The vacation. You're right. Don't mind they've got Camp David and designated places for that. But the. The interruption of daily life for mill. And maybe the busiest intersections in.

[Bald Brian]

In.

[Teresa Strasser]

In the United States.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what I mean? These are major.

[Bald Brian]

And who the fuck time too. And just make a phone call. How about you Skype him in?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's.

[Bald Brian]

Does that work with black people? No. Okay. Throw us late. Did not. No. Not. I just. I just meant I didn't know if it's a black and white technology and it didn't show up or.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here I am being racist.

[Bald Brian]

Damn it. They're always late. All right. So they're on wrapper time. I wonder if Brock's on wrapper time too. Either way, whoever you are, whatever side of the aisle you're on. Let's go ahead and get to the halfway point of your contract. You have a four year contract. You've decided to start shopping around deals for other teams like you're a fucking free agent.

[Teresa Strasser]

You have a no trade clause.

[Bald Brian]

19 months in your 48 month contract. Contract. Let's get busy and stop working for other players on other teams and other contracts just because you're both lefties. Fuck that. Get back to the fucking Oval Office and get busy. And how can we never say anything about Barack Obama made a campaign stop. He's swinging by California to do a fundraiser. It's $5,000 a plate for Dianne Feinstein. Get the fuck back to Washington and get the fuck to work. Or do we not have crime? Poverty? Is everyone employed? What's going on? And let me say this too. How much difference do these guys make? Remember we're all bracing ourselves for the big change. What? Really? What was the big change that came in? Remember it was time for change. Getting big change. Prepare for change. Hope and change. Hope and change. Maybe they meant like change.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's all that's left in my pocket.

[Bald Brian]

Hope and a little change. All right. Anyway. You can sleep here tonight. Bald Brian.

[Teresa Strasser]

I might. How long do these things usually go? This extra content. Two questions. How long are they supposed to go? How long do you make them?

[Bald Brian]

We far exceeded our allotment of time already.

[Allison Rosen]

That was your Adam Carolla extra.

[Bald Brian]

All right. That's Adam Carolla Show 384. Coward of the county. Great revisiting of the Kenny Rogers stuff in the morning show. And the next clip actually plays perfectly into that. This is Adam kroll. Carolla Show 1857 featuring Larry Gatlin from 2016. Check it out. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well, Betonline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to Betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering.

[Adam Carolla]

So have some fun.

[Bald Brian]

Make these games in these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with bet online. Bet online. The game starts here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get on mandate.

[Bald Brian]

Get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

And welcome to the show. We're doing a little one on one with Larry Gatlin. Good to see you, my friend.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. Good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry, of course, well, has quite a solo career also. The Gatlin Brothers is where you probably know him best. Sold millions. How many records? Brag a little about the Gatlin Brothers before we get started.

[Allison Rosen]

First of all, they're my best friends. Wow. You can. We've been doing it for 61 years. Believe it or not. We started when we were 2, 4 and 6 years old. We get along, you know, when you consider being in backstage, limos, buses, trains, planes, you know, and on stage and doing it all that. We get along famously together. When you consider all that, they're like I say, we love each other. We're kind of connected at the soul, I think, with the music. We the first, we had eight number one records. I wrote all those eight. They're the best harmony singers. I tell people they're not my backup group. They are what the Gatlin Brothers sound is about. So of those eight records, the first six were on a little independent label called Monument. Monument Records. Fred Foster was the producer. He produced Roy Orbison, you know, on Monument, did all those great songs. But we didn't sell a lot of records. It was a little independent record company. The radio stations loved the sound of the records. The fans requested it and that's how we kind of got the records to on the charts. But we didn't sell a whole lot of records. We got a lot of airplay and I made money as the songwriter.

[Adam Carolla]

But Gary, give me a list of some Catlin Brother number ones.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll Well, I know them by heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know them well?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm kidding.

[Allison Rosen]

They bought me a big house with a circle drive and a color tv. Hell yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to speak in a circle with the circular driveway. I want to circle back to the brothers because I have spoken to people here who are in brother bands, you know, the Black Crows and the Gallagher brothers and guys like that. They famously.

[Bald Brian]

Oasis.

[Adam Carolla]

They famously don't get along. Like the band is hard enough. But being in a band with your brother somehow makes it tougher for most people. It doesn't work out for most people, but for you, you say these guys are still your best friends.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's the deal. I'm not going to try to be Billy Graham on you, you know, and sing Come to Jesus and be flat, however, and I'm not going to question anyone spiritual motivation or their experience or anything else. We are of the Christian ethic. We were raised in church singing gospel music. We believe that our music, you know, it's not odd about the man who loves a job is always on vacation. Alright? We have loved our job, we've loved each other. We believe that the ability came from a higher power. And so when things fall apart and as William Butler Yates says, when the sinner will not hold, you know, when things fall, fall apart as they do when records don't go to number one. When people. My buddy Roger Miller said a lot of people were coming to his shows dressed as empty seats.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Roger Miller, the king of the road guy?

[Allison Rosen]

That king of the road guy.

[Bald Brian]

Sailor.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Trailer, not sailor.

[Bald Brian]

Totally different sailor.

[Allison Rosen]

Rooms.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, it does change the whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

All you do is go from sailor to trailer and it changes.

[Allison Rosen]

Totally different movie.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The total vibe of the song.

[Allison Rosen]

So I think that's what it does. We believe that we have been given a gift to uplift our fellow man, to entertain our fellow man and to make money. Those are all three good things.

[Bald Brian]

Where did all this positivity come from? Where did you grow up?

[Adam Carolla]

What did your daddy do?

[Allison Rosen]

Daddy was a hard working man. He's 89 years old. I tell people he's not a former Marine or an ex Marine. He's just an 89 year old Marine not currently on active duty. He's locked and loaded and ready to go. So we learned that ethic from him of service, even though neither one of us were in the Service. I was 296 in the draft.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve, what's 296 number 290.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't have to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, number two, I thought that meant fallen arches or something.

[Allison Rosen]

That is the new remedy. But he taught us the love and respect for the military and for our country and to a certain extent, the spiritual side. But that was kind of left to mom because he was working in the oil field. He didn't get to go to church with us very much. So that's where we learned it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's circle driveway back to the love and respect for the country and the military. Obviously, what's going on out right now is insane in terms of the country and the police and the military and everything else. And I think that it leads. Here's what I'm feeling on a psychological level. You can't take a whole bunch of people, give them a whole bunch of free shit, and then tell them how miserable they should be and how angry they should be at the government and the cops and expect them to have fruitful lives and be happy about their station in life.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course you can. You just did it. You ought to run for something.

[Adam Carolla]

I should run for something. But are those people ever going to.

[Bald Brian]

It's so. I'm really. Every year I get older, I start.

[Adam Carolla]

Thinking about how worthless everything is. If anyone hands it to you unless you go get it. As a matter of fact, when you start handing it to them, they start to resent you. And it's a micro thing. I've had it happen with family members where you loan them some money or you put their kids through private school, or you do whatever you do, and at the end they end up resenting you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they're pissed because you think they ought to pay it back.

[Adam Carolla]

Even if you don't think they should pay it back, they're still pissed because you basically shame them.

[Bald Brian]

And they think.

[Allison Rosen]

You think.

[Adam Carolla]

I've realized that shame is the most powerful emotion there is on the planet. If you said to. If you said to me, let's just say to me, hey, you're an asshole, I'd go, yeah. And they'd say, hey, you're this, that, and the other. Yeah, you're not funny. You know, okay, that's fine. I make millions of dollars being funny. Like, it's fine. But if you tell me something that hits home, you know, if you get into, hey, you're not spending enough time.

[Bald Brian]

With your kids, all of a sudden.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been. Now there's kernels of truth there. Like, I've internalized that a little bit. Like, I feel that a little. And you're gonna get some bark. You're getting some bite back at you. If you come at me with that or something that strikes a nerve, something that feels like there's some kernels of truth there and that brings out shame and shame brings out rage. And I've experienced it my own life, a whole bunch, which is tell somebody anything, call them anything, they don't care. They're just words or names or whatever. Tap into something that they really do feel like may be true and you get ferocious anger.

[Allison Rosen]

Any parent that tells a child you should be ashamed of yourself, they ought to get bitch slapped right there.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely. Bitch slap, shame. I have been shamed before by parents, by teachers. All it means is that parent or that teacher doesn't have anything to really tell that child to aid that child's growth or to show that child where they might have gone wrong. Putting your hand on the fire. Shame is the most debilitating. That and having a bad back are the most debilitating things on the planet.

[Bald Brian]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

And I believe when you hand everyone just enough to get by on or everything, they feel a sense of shame. Because obviously if you're handing adult something and saying, look, I know you can't afford to feed your kids lunch, you know, it's my whole thing with these school lunch programs or school breakfast or now they have school dinners and now there's this whole thing about, well, who's going to feed them during the summertime. I tell people all the time and my friends on the left take it and run with it and turn it into something else, which is, I made my son and daughter eggs this morning. It probably cost me 41 cents. It took me seven minutes. My son appreciated it, I appreciated it. He likes them scrambled, she likes them sunny side up. It was a little moment of me taking care of my kids. It's symbolic mostly, but they appreciate it. We had a little moment and it doesn't cost anything. When I tell everybody I want you to cook your kids breakfast, it's not because I want you to save me money. I want you to have that bond with your kids. And I also don't want your kids growing up assuming that somebody's going to get them breakfast other than their family. I want them counting on you. I want that. I want that carved into their fabric, their DNA. I don't want them at age 8 looking around and wondering what kind of slop the government's going to throw on the tray and hand them in the cafeteria. Because that just perpetuates, leads to other things and the food is empty. Calories and emotionally it's empty calories. The kid gets nothing out of it. Nutritionally and certainly emotionally, it's a horrible message. So when I say feed your kids breakfast, I'm not saying it to save taxpayer money. I'm saying it so that your kid can grow up to be a citizen and cook his kids breakfast or her kids breakfast.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you carved it.

[Allison Rosen]

You talk about carving it in your DNA. You carved it in their DNA before that very morning. The moment that you did the eggs, you have been raising them in a certain way to respect certain things. You know, hey, maybe they're supposed to clean their room because Daddy did them. There is something, a give and take for that. My old and dear friend, who is still my old and dear friend, George W. Bush called it the soft bigotry of low expectations.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that line.

[Allison Rosen]

If nothing is ever expected in return, it reinforces that those people can't do anything. If you got up and gave them the eggs every morning, drove them to school, when they came home, you did their homework for them, you know everything in the world. First of all, they're not. I would not want to be in a lifeboat with Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama because they wouldn't want to row. They just want to tell other people how to row. And then they'd be bitching about, you're not rowing fast enough. They don't know how to do anything. They don't know how to use their hands to do a day's work. Our father taught us to do that. Daddy took me out to work with him. He was a driller and I was a roughneck. He came in one morning, I had cooked my own eggs. I'm serious. Had scrambled eggs and made a little coffee and some orange juice. And Daddy was grousing around because he was going to have to go out to the rig shorthanded one of his guys.

[Bald Brian]

How old were you at this time?

[Allison Rosen]

I was 16, 15 or 16 between my junior and sophomore or junior and senior year in high school. He said, well, damn it, I'm going to have to go out shorthanded and we're going to have to make a trip. That means you're taking all the pipe out of the hole and putting all the pipe back in and in the hole. And it is eight hours of hucking and bucking, right? So I said, daddy, I'll go with you. He said, no, I don't want you to ever step your foot on drilling rig floor. That's why I work hard. I said, you're not going out shorthanded. I'll go with you. He said, well, let me tell you how it's going to be. And I knew right then I was about to hear it. He said, the boss doesn't pay you to polish that seed over there with your britches. He said, you're going to be working. He said, here are the rules. If it's broke, fix it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it's broke and you can't fix it, paint the son of a bitch. That's what it was like at the Gatlin household. We were taught that there is work, there are certain things that you do. There's a certain code of ethic and behavior that you do. Now, I had friends on the other side of town, the rich side of town. They got everything they wanted. They were never. And this is the rich folks, okay, the 1 percenters who were doing that. And for the most part, they turned out. I know I'm painting it with a broad brush. And it's anecdotal, as they say.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you can't fix it, paint it with a broad brush.

[Allison Rosen]

Paint them with a broad brush. And the same thing. Jesse J.C. watts said something.

[Adam Carolla]

The football player, former football.

[Allison Rosen]

And he was a congressman from Oklahoma. And he said something.

[Adam Carolla]

J.J. watts. Yeah, that's another football player.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a different watch. He said he was elected as a congressman from Oklahoma. First black congressman ever from Oklahoma. He said one night after he'd been in office two weeks at a Republican fundraiser thing at dinner in Washington. He said, let us not measure our compassion by how many people we have on welfare. Rather, let us measure our compassion by how few. We need to hear that.

[Adam Carolla]

I am an atheist, but amen. It drives me nuts and this notion that I lack compassion because I understand firsthand through my upbringing, which is quite a contrast to yours. My upbringing was welfare. Oh, I'm sorry, I am wrong. Because I grew up with welfare and with food stamps and with school lunch programs. I'm a product of that. And I saw my mom just sit in this house that my grandmother let her sit in because she owned it very small house, and just rot. Just rot. Because she got just enough to stay alive. She packed on weight, she let herself go physically. She didn't put herself together. She didn't put makeup on. She didn't fix her hair. She literally just sat, got fat, smoked pot, and sort of slid into this depression and sat in this free house and got the check from the government, which was just enough to buy some frozen dinners and that went on for years, and at a certain point, every muscle she had atrophied.

[Allison Rosen]

Who did she vote for, you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure she was all about Carter. Of course she was, and she didn't. She was probably on the Ralph Nader bandwagon back in the day. She probably cast a vote for Tom Laughlin, who starred in Billy Jack, even though she probably wrote in Tom Laughlin from Billy Jack. Like, I think that she was writing. You guys can Google that. You have a laugh.

[Bald Brian]

Anyway, maybe she wrote in LeVar Burton, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But either way, she didn't write in.

[Allison Rosen]

Reagan, or we could pretty well be.

[Bald Brian]

She atrophied.

[Adam Carolla]

She atrophied. And I said to her one day, I remember just thinking when I was about nine, I just said, I don't get it. We don't have anything. Your car's all broken down. You're all broken down. There's no food in the fridge. Why don't you just get a job? Because kids don't understand. They just think a job is a job. You know, they do that all the time. You want to be a schoolteacher, you want to be a doctor, you want to be a lawyer. They don't realize they're paid. There's a little pay difference in some of those. But my from the mouth of babes thing was just get a job. If you get a job, then we could have a car and we could have some food, and we have whatever. And she just looked at me and she said, if I get a job, I'll lose my welfare. I remember at the time, I think, wow, what an irresponsible, horrible statement to make. What For a mother to make to the son. But I experienced it firsthand.

[Bald Brian]

She.

[Adam Carolla]

And the thing that's comical about the whole thing, getting back, circling the driveway, back to where we started. Nobody hated the government more than my mom. Nobody depended on the government more than my mom. So I understand firsthand what it breeds. It breeds contempt for the person that's handing you the pittance to live off of every year and every month, but also breeds an inner contempt. My mom obviously didn't like herself. And what was looking back at her when she looked in the mirror when she got up about noon. So this was. I've seen how debilitating this can be. So when I say I don't want people on welfare and I want people to make their kids their own breakfast, I'm not saying that out of cruelty. I'm saying it for the person firsthand. The same way your doctor would say, I'm gonna need you to exercise. And you'd go, it hurts. I don't wanna do it. Well, get up at 6 in the morning and jog 5 miles. No way.

[Bald Brian]

It's cold outside.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is this guy mean? He's being mean. He doesn't like. He doesn't like his patient. No, he loves his patient. He wants his patient to thrive. He wants his patient to be healthy.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know, that'll do about. No good deed goes unpunished. So the government gives. Here's the thing. When I was In New York 20 years ago, I did played Will Rogers on Broadway. And one morning I was reading either.

[Adam Carolla]

You played the part of Will Rogers.

[Allison Rosen]

On Broadway, part of Will Rise, one of the greatest thrills and honors of my life. I was either reading the communist manifest, which actually is called the New York Times. We call it the Communist Manifesto at our house. It was either that or the Wall Street Journal. One of those. And I would imagine in the WSJ because of the content, a man and a woman got married. This was 100 years ago. Whatever. They had eight children. Those eight children had 70 between them children. And while the pyramid. There were over 170 people in the pyramid.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

From that mother and father.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

While the mother and father were still Alive, there were eight people in that 170 person pyramid that had gainful employ.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Out of the 170, there was eight.

[Allison Rosen]

The benefits from the government were over $2 million a year in food stamps, whatever. To this one pyramid.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And people say, well, Larry, you're a racist. Well, they automatically assume they were black. They were white.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And who gives a rosy red rat's ass what color they were? Because they were sitting on their rosy red rat's ass and letting you and Larry work and buy and pay for the food stamps.

[Adam Carolla]

I was laughing. I'm laughing at myself. Because the most racist thing you can say is saying you go, well, look, 170 people, eight of them gainfully employed. I want to correct this. That's racist. I didn't say what color they were.

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

That's racist.

[Adam Carolla]

You were assuming that something. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And by the way, there are a.

[Adam Carolla]

Lot of racists to choose from. Why'd you choose that race? I was talking to somebody called in to another podcast I was doing earlier in the week, earlier in the month, and he said, you know, we do all these stupid PSAs, public service announcements, all these sort of click it or ticket or talk to your kids. Every time I watch tv It's a stupid commercial about reading to your kids or talking to your kids, which is like, no, duh, of course I'm going to talk to my kids. And if you have to be told and prompted to talk to your kids from a TV commercial, we got problems. But either way, all a bunch of waste of time and a waste of taxpayer money. But somebody suggested this and I thought, eh, that's not a bad idea. He said, how about a PSA about how to interact with police? And I said, oh, that's not a bad plan. And he said, yeah, my dad said, I'm a white guy. But my dad, obviously white guy, hadn't been pulled over in about 30 years and he got pulled over. And because It'd been about 30 years, he did what he always did, which he got pulled over and he got out of his car and started walking toward the cruiser and the cops started yelling at him, get back in the car, get down or get on your knees or whatever it is. And it's like, yeah, I thought to myself, that's what people used to do. Used to get out of your car and you'd start walking toward the cruiser wanting to know what the problem was or making up excuses or holding a fruit basket. But. But it's not a thing where it's just. Well, it's just for young black men. No, this old 75 year old white guy didn't know how to interact either with the police.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a new day for him. That was not in his wheelhouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now he said, what about a PSA about how to interact with police? And I said, that's a brilliant idea, except for you'd be called a racist.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I have one for you right here. I know a young man. I say I know him. His social media guy, a guy named Shannon Self, is the guy who handles that for me. He's a young black singer, country singer, named Coffee. C O, F F A like Coffee Anderson. He has done a video of how a black man should respond to a policeman stopping you. It's got over 33 million views. Oh, coffee Anderson.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe we should.

[Allison Rosen]

This is unbelievable. It makes sense. Don't reach in your pocket for your driver's license.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, getting back to race, I'd say this would probably be good for any color person that gets pulled over.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I'm guessing this video. I mean, I'd like my son. I mean, look, there's this thing all the time where it's like, I'm a black dad and I'm Gonna have to sit down with my son and explain to him what kind of country we live in and explain to him what to expect out of cops and this, that and the other. And I hate you poisoning your son that way. But all dads and moms should tell their sons especially, look, here's how you interact with law enforcement when you get pulled over. Be respectful and do exactly what they say and you might save your life and also might save you from getting out of a ticket. I've gotten out of quite a few tickets by just literally being a sweetheart. And anyone who knows me knows. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the nicest guy in the world. And I, and I don't like chicken shit tickets from cops. But in that one little interaction that's going to last about 90 seconds, I might be able to get out of this ticket.

[Allison Rosen]

In Rousseau's famous work, Camille as the teacher and the student, Rousseau, the teacher tells Camille, I will teach you how to sleep anywhere in the world and how to be comfortable and at home anywhere in the world. How I will do that is you will sleep on the ground. If you learn to sleep on the ground and I was mentioning to it to one of your guys out here, you can sleep anywhere. It's up to the parent. It is incumbent upon the parent to teach the child how to get along in this world. Let me tell you something Adam. If you tell your kids to don't drink and drive, drive the speed limit, don't drink and drive and all the time you're telling them that you're drunk on the walls and piss ant and you're driving 65 through school zone, you can tell them whatever you want to, sure they are not going to pay any attention.

[Adam Carolla]

So what kind of piss aunt am.

[Allison Rosen]

I as drunk as Walson piss it. Can you imagine a Walson pissing?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know what a Walson.

[Allison Rosen]

Piss ant we're taking. Waltzing. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Waltzing.

[Allison Rosen]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Adam Carolla]

Waltzing, I guess.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. It's a Texas thing. You can tell them all you want to, but if you don't live it in front of them, they're going to do it like you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I agree and Gary will find it. But we have that psa, so we'll take a listen for Coffee's words, you know, and all the stuff that's going on out there in this country and beyond. I say the only shot we got is parents and their kids and raising your kids and keeping the family together, focusing on family, focusing on education, that's all we got. Because obviously the cops, as I think Commissioner Brown brought up a while back, they can't be drug counselors, they can't be dog catchers, they can't be marriage counselors. They just have to be cops. All that other stuff that's got to take place at home, you cannot take these people and unleash them into society where the cops are there to protect the citizens. If you got a guy who's holding a broken bottle and standing on a ledge and waving it around every day, you can't talk him off that. That's stuff that needs to be taken care of. When that kid was 0 to 18. Now we got him at age 23.

[Bald Brian]

We're not going to be able to fix this guy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's kind of too late. Of course, after the guy says, may I see your license? And he's pulled you over. The great philosopher and teacher, Dr. Alan Bloom, University of Chicago. He said, there's one thing that a college professor can be assured of. If he or she walks into the classroom and asks, is there any such thing as right or wrong? 90% of them will say no. It is relative. Well, his deal is that we don't study the classics. We don't study Plato and Socrates or the Judeo Christian ethic. And whether you are an atheist or like Thomas Jefferson's Bible, that he cut out a bunch of the stuff he didn't like, but just the teachings of Christ, whether you think he is divine or not, there are some things there about, don't do this, don't do this, do this, live right. And if there is no. What I am saying is, Adam, if there's no at least a kernel of something to which you can tether your behavior, what are we talking about? If there's not something, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, I'm an atheist, and I completely reject that. The two arguments I reject is, I reject the atheist argument, which is, hey, there is no up and down and right and wrong, and we live in some sort of weird zero gravity. If that's right to you, then that's right to you. If having sex with your daughter is right to you, then it's right to you. I can't tell you wrong. That's bullshit. And one of my buddies, Dennis Prager, is the biggest Jew on the planet who loves him the Torah. He'll say, well, without religion, what's to say, what's right and what's wrong? And I'm like, I can say what's right and what's wrong. I agree with 9 1/2 out of the 10 Commandments, at least. I mean, I don't want them taken out. You know, this whole thing. When the atheists want him, there's a 10 commandment plaque in front of the courthouse and they wanted it bulldozed, you know. No, I don't want it bulldozed.

[Bald Brian]

I agree with all that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fine with all that stuff. It's easy to have a moral bearing, whether you find it religiously or you just find it from within. There is a right and a wrong in nature and in God. I believe it. And I don't know why we're. I don't get why we're arguing with it all the time. It drives me insane.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it vacillates your idea of the good and mine and what. What a moral template may be or a tether or something, a code of ethic. If they vary to such a great degree, like I say that you think it's all right to have sex with a dog, and I don't. Somewhere we're going that will clash. If the government is going to give you money to have an abortion from the union of the me and the dog, it becomes so absolutely bizarre. You know what I did yesterday?

[Adam Carolla]

What did you do?

[Allison Rosen]

I googled a copy the Girl Scout handbook. Everybody saying we need to come together right around what we need to call it around what if you tell me black lives matter, which is based on a lie of hands up, don't shoot, Right? We don't have anything to talk about, pal. Is if that is what you base. You know, black lives do matter. I agree. But if you tell me my life and the men in blue don't matter, we don't have anything to talk about. So let's just sit down and take the Girl Scout handbook. Be a good person, be a good citizen, do the right thing. And all the way to Plato's idea of just the good. What is good, what is true?

[Adam Carolla]

I think.

[Allison Rosen]

I think we'd have a big argument. Not you and I. You and I would probably feel about the same.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. I think here's where we're going south. And that's another thing I talk about. Dennis Prager is a big proponent or fan of. He brings it up a lot. Just because you're poor doesn't mean you have to be amoral. It doesn't mean you have to be violent. It doesn't mean you have to involve yourself with criminal behavior. What the Left does is they go.

[Bald Brian]

These guys are poor.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course they're in gangs, of course they're doing this, of course they're doing that. Well, what do you mean of course? It's funny because the left says, well these guys are poor, so of course they're out selling drugs and being violent and gang banging and bashing senior citizens over the head. And then out of the other side of their mouth they go, these guys are rich, so they're evil. And it's like, well, which is it? Cuz you've done the poor, you've done the rich. They seem to always be focused on the middle class. But I don't sign off on this notion that if you're poor, you have to go hit people over the head and steal their pocketbook. I was poor my whole life. My family was always poor. Not for a second did we ever dream of going out and inflicting any harm on anyone else personally or their property. I mean, we were poor. And I was just telling someone this story, but it is bizarre. I found a $50 bill at the Cherry Hill Mall, Cherry Hill, New Jersey, when I was about five or six on the ground and my mom picked it up. She does have a bizarre moral compass, I must say. This was early on when my parents were still married and I guess she was a little more normal. But we picked up a $50 loose $50 bill. And I said, Hey, $50. And he said, we're walking it over to lost and found. And I said, even at age 5 or 6, I was like, lost and found for a $50 bill? Who's going to.

[Allison Rosen]

Somebody lost it and we found it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we found it. She said, no. Goes to lost and found. All right, we were poor. That $50 bill was a lot of money to us and most anyone, 1971 or whenever it was 70, but. But we walked it over to Lawson, found, just gave it to the person behind the counter in Lost and Found. And then I counted every single day because I think the person said two weeks. If it's not claimed, it's yours. And that $50 was. Turned out to be more money than I ever saw before. Like my 25th birthday. Like, I mean, that was a lot of dough to me back then. And I remember just thinking, oh God, please God, you know, don't let someone claim that.

[Allison Rosen]

And what would you do if you found one today?

[Adam Carolla]

Geez, I, I would probably walk it over there. I mean, look, if I found it blowing down the street, I don't know. But if I found it In a mall or in a restaurant or something. I probably would, you know, based on two things. A, I'm rich and B, I remember walking this over.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you should change B and A. Put B in the A part.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to be a little self deprecating, but I also think to myself, I was just talking to somebody about this, which is, you know, somebody said to me, you know, I do the right thing and the other guy doesn't do the right thing. And I can't remember what the example was, but I just said, it doesn't matter what the other guy does. You do the right thing. And they go, yeah, but what if the guy at the lost and found, you know, he's just going to pocket that money. The guy you hand it to is just going to put it in his pocket. He's gonna be 50 bucks richer. And I was like, well, that's up to him. With everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a zero sum game for so many people. I've got to have all the marbles and you can't have any of them, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But my bigger point was just sort of if the guy at the restaurant that you return the $50 to, or the guy that lost and found, or whoever you hand it to puts it in his pocket, that's him. He's a thief. He's going to have to deal with that. He has to wake up every morning and look in the mirror and see the thief looking back at him. That's him. You're not that person. So just give the person the 50 bucks and walk on.

[Allison Rosen]

I like your deal better.

[Bald Brian]

You know, I do too.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. $50. A small price to pay for being able to sleep at night or not having the thief looking back at you. But what I'm saying is, just because you're poor doesn't mean you can't be proud. It doesn't mean you can't do work that you're proud of. My father mean that you have to resort to criminality.

[Allison Rosen]

My father never got past the 10th grade. He never made more than $35,000 a year in his life. We were lower middle class and the way we could live where we lived in Odessa, just a nice little brick house. We didn't live that always, believe me. The brothers and I sang our sister, we would go and sing and they'd take up what they called a love offering.

[Adam Carolla]

Pass the basket.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They didn't love us as much as we needed for them to. That augmented his salary so that we had a nice standard of Living, it was still paycheck to paycheck. That's the way it is. But he taught us that work was noble, that we were supposed to feed, you know, work sweat of our brow. And I'm going to tell you something, I'm 68 years old. How old are you?

[Adam Carolla]

52.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you in pretty good shape?

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty good.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. If you had followed me around two days ago. I had a 40 hour stretch from doing concerts and traveling and having late airplanes and getting in rent car. I had a 40 hour stretch that I slept for 25 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And when I woke up, did my job, did what I had to do. It was quality. I did it the way I was taught to do it. Because I know how to work. Now for my deal, I'm grateful to God. I'm not beating you up. I'm saying I'm grateful to God for strength. That's the way I feel about it. To go do what I have been called to do. But a lot of they couldn't. They couldn't have kept up with me whether they had to sing and do interviews and all that stuff or not. They would have quit after about hour 12. I know how to work. My brothers know how to work. We pay our taxes. My wife and I pay 10%. I'm not bragging. I'm saying I'm being grateful. 10%. Not of our net taxable income. We pay 10% of our gross income to our church. They do wonderful work. They go into the community, in the black community and help people do their taxes. They give dental work. They take a van. They give ladies mammograms. They have doctors come in. They do good things for the community. And this is people who are wealthy and people who are poor in our church who believe in giving back hard work and they are not on the dole. I like my deal better than the woman you talk about sitting around on her ass eating Twinkies and smoking Camels.

[Adam Carolla]

I like. By the way, you are getting a plug for that. Larry Gatlin. The Gatlin Brothers. The album the Gospel According to Gatlin, available now on Amazon and itunes and tour dates all over the place. They're going to play at the Pavilion in Barton, Texas, or Barton Creek in Austin, Texas. Grand Ole Opry. Did I say that right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Nashville.

[Bald Brian]

That's.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't know about the Grand Ole Opry? Are you some kind of communist?

[Bald Brian]

Most people.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know what I've seen.

[Allison Rosen]

Where are you from?

[Bald Brian]

I know Minnie Pearl is.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, okay. She was a great broad. I loved her. And when I say great broad, that's a compliment. What a wonderful, sweet woman. I miss her.

[Adam Carolla]

Show dates all over the place. You can go to gatlinbrothers.com. yeah, I'm gonna. Let's talk about hard work, and then I want to ask you about. I talked to comedian Norm MacDonald, and I think I talked to Kenny Rogers about you. I think, Gary, what it was is I had Kenny Rogers on the radio show, and I asked him about the Gatlin brothers once and about coward of the county. We have me and Norm McDonald. But I'll get to that in one second.

[Bald Brian]

First, Castrol Edge.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah. Castrol Edge advanced full synthetic motor oil three times stronger than Mobil 1 against viscosity breakdown as per industry. Sheer stability test in 5W30 grade. So they got these two films. Castrol Edge challenged two pro race car drivers to push the boundaries of performance. One in an Aston Martin Vulcan, the other in Koenigsegg. Not a lot of those in West Texas, I'm guessing. These drivers were challenged to beat their best times. And what they did is they did a VR simulator, and then they actually hit the track, the Scarry race track. Anyway, if you want to check it out, go to Castrol USA YouTube channel and check it out. I promise you, you will be pinned to your seat. Titanium, strong for maximum engine performance. It's Castrol Edge, baby. Check it out.

[Bald Brian]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a viscosity breakdown one time during the.

[Bald Brian]

Was that. Yeah. Was that on Loveline? I'm. I search you and Kenny Rogers doesn't look like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's probably not online. Me and Norm MacDonald are online that have got Kenny. I spoke to, and I don't think that's up there, but. Well, if you find the coward of the county and you find him talking about the Gatlin brothers and then he.

[Bald Brian]

Goes, well, we have it with Norm, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, let's. Let's just hear that.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. It's got a bit of a head on it. So here we go. All right. Until Becky knew him as yellow, too. One day while he was working, the Gatling boys came calling. The Gatlin boys are in town already. They took turns of Becky.

[Ben Schwartz]

What?

[Bald Brian]

There was three of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold it there for a second. There's three Gatlin brothers, right?

[Allison Rosen]

My mother, my dear, sweet mother called me whenever that record was out 30 years ago. She was weeping, sobbing. She said, larry. I said, what? Mama, what's wrong? Are you okay? Kenny Rogers just accused you of Steven Rudy, of raping a Girl, a song. I said, what are you talking about? I don't listen to the radio. For me to listen to the radio and listen to music is like a mailman taking a walk on his day off. I don't listen to records, okay? So I said, what are you talking about? So I found the song and I played the song and I heard it, and I called Kenny. I said, kenny, what's up with this record?

[Adam Carolla]

Because he said, you guys. You guys toured together.

[Bald Brian]

We're friends.

[Allison Rosen]

We toured together. We'd done shows for years. He said, what are you talking about? I said, and the Gatlin Boys came calling. They raped this girl and they had their way. He said, oh, I didn't think anything about it. I said, you'd have damn sure thought something about it. They're Nikki, Becky and Kenny Rogers came calling. You'd have damn sure thought about it. Let me tell you the background quick. And Kenny and I have laughed about it, and we toured about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the comedy was, he went.

[Bald Brian]

The Gatlin Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Where he went, all right. A couple of guys.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, there were three of them, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I thought, you know, I thought the publicity was bad. But let me tell you what my old friend Johnny Cash told me one time. I was getting some bad, bad publicity about another deal. He called me. He said, pilgrim, there ain't no such thing as bad publicity unless they got a picture of you screwing a goat. So they don't. He was like a big brother I never had. So I talked to Kenny about it, and we. The only thing I could do at that point in time was go ahead and laugh about it, be big about it. Not cause a stink. Because, like I say, we were on the road with him. I wish he hadn't done it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, he wrote the song, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't write the song.

[Allison Rosen]

The guy who wrote. Looked at the guy who wrote Lucille. Find out. Find y'all. Google who wrote Lucille. I can't think. This guy and I were up CMA Award for Song of the Year. He was up for. You picked a fine time to leave, right? Roger Bowling. Roger what?

[Brian Posehn]

Bowling.

[Allison Rosen]

Bowling.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

And then it also lists Billy Ed Wheeler.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it. Roger Bowling. Well, he's dead and I'm in la, so it's a better deal.

[Adam Carolla]

You had a song up.

[Allison Rosen]

Burning in Hell. We had all the gold in California song that I'd written. It was up for Song of the Year. Lucille was up for Song of the Year. We were in our tuxedos and our fancy alligator boots and all that stuff in the Grand Ole Opry House for the Country Music Awards show, the biggest night in country music. I went over there and offered my hand and said, congratulations, man. It's a great song. And he said, blank you, Gatlin.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

I said, what? He said, blank you. I said, let me tell you something, Halls.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the guy who wrote the Coward of the county song and put the Gatlin brothers in.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so now I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Allison Rosen]

So he said. I said, if we weren't in the Grand Ole Opry house and dressed up in tuxedos, I would just open a boot shop in your ass.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. I have no idea why he did it. Absolutely zero idea. We weren't close, obviously. Then he wrote the Carrot of the County.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he wrote it after that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So I have no idea. But for him to do that, it was beneath contempt. And Kenny. I cut Kenny some slack on it, and we let Kenny. And our good friends. I do shows with him, used to stay at his house when we were on tour and play tennis and all that stuff, so. And he's on his farewell tour, and I congratulate him. He's had an incredible career. Well, it's just one of those things. I don't. I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had. It is weird when you look back at little snapshots of your life and they just don't make sense. Certain little episodes where there's something like, this guy was a songwriter. You were a songwriter. Could have been a little jealousy, but most people don't have that for their peers. And you had no interaction with this guy before that?

[Allison Rosen]

None. I'd never spent 30 seconds with him, didn't even know him.

[Adam Carolla]

And you went up just to say hi, like a couple guys would if you were both up for the same award. You just showing good sportsmanship.

[Allison Rosen]

It's professional courtesy.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just tells you to fuck off.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And can you say, fuck you and you're showing.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we can.

[Allison Rosen]

And then, fuck you, Gatlin.

[Adam Carolla]

Then some years later, how many years later, he writes Carida County? He makes the Gatling Brothers a rapist.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So go figure.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so weird. And to this day, now he's gone. Now he's in hell. But we never got to the bomb. It's funny. I just had a story I don't believe I've ever shared on this program.

[Allison Rosen]

But, folks, be ready for this now. We have a moment right here. This is an experience I can Feel some. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Most. Yeah, most. Most stories everyone's heard a thousand times, but I don't think I've ever told this one. I played Little League baseball, maybe my second year of Little League baseball. And I was. I wasn't as serious about baseball as I was about football, but. And I started a little later, I was probably 10 years old and I was playing for a team called the Cardinals. And we had this coach. I remember he's a squatty guy. The big beard and sort of funny glasses and funny hair and just a little sort of roly, poly, funny little squatty man.

[Allison Rosen]

You're a racist. Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

I was a pretty good ball player and I would think I was a pretty good teammate. And I always was through high school and always played organized sports and always got off real well with the coaches. And I was always one of these guys that just. It was Mr. Gallagher and Mr. Johnson and Mr. Nielsen. I didn't even know these guys first names. It was Mr. This or Coach that. I didn't bug them or talk to him about, you know, I want more playing time or I want this position. I want to play center field, not right field. I never did anything. I had pretty low self esteem. Whatever you told me to do, I just did it. And I, while I was probably a little angry and a little defiant because my family was a mess, but it never came out in the playing field and it never came out in the Pop Warner field or the baseball diamond or anything. I was a good teammate. I was just sort of, yes, can do whatever. Run a lap. I'd run a lap. Do push ups. I'd do push ups. That was it. And at some point about halfway into the season, this coach, whose name escapes me, he just went up to my mom or something and he said, I can't work with this kid anymore. And I remember very clearly he called me pigheaded. I said, this guy's pigheaded. I want him off the team and I want to trade him. And I remember thinking like, I don't remember asking to pitch or asking. I didn't ask to do anything. I just played. I was a pretty good player. And that was about it. And I got traded to another team and I hit my first home run with that other team and did pretty good with that other team. But to this day, I have no idea what inspired this guy. And you know, it's one of these things where I try to look back and go, well, what was my role in this? Because it's always A good idea to ask you what your role was, but because I played Pop Warner football starting at age 7, and I never got in a fight. I never got benched by coach. I never got. I never jawed at anybody. I never had an issue. And I played football through high school and baseball through high school. I think if you contacted any coach I ever had, they just go, he was a funny guy. He was a good player. Funny guy, nice guy. That was about it. Good teammate. That was it. I have no idea why this guy did that.

[Allison Rosen]

I would offer that it was life teaching you the Rousseau Camille. If you can sleep on the ground, you can sleep anywhere. So those things that are difficult for us, that teach us how to do things. I have a little bit of a bad back right now, and I'm going to go get it worked on, but being able to do my job and do it well even when I'm not 100%. You talk about baseball, the great pitchers, the hall of Famers can get you out when they ain't got their best stuff. You travail through that. That old deal about what does not kill me makes me stronger. But. And I believe in that. I believe life teaches you those things. And either we. And it's so trite and cliche to say, you know what doesn't kill us make it stronger? The hard things. You know why things get to be truisms? Because they're true. So when you get through that kind of shit, you're stronger on the other side of it. I guarantee you from Daddy's work ethic, from us having to work hard as we were kids, from, you know, pushing the bus when it wouldn't start.

[Adam Carolla]

Tour bus.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, the tour bus, doing all that stuff. It's. It's pretty hard to throw something at the Gatlin Boys that we can't. That we can't go do and do a quality job.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what are there, four or five? Oh, no, wait, three. Three.

[Allison Rosen]

Two brothers. I have two brothers. My sister has three.

[Adam Carolla]

The repeat.

[Allison Rosen]

I have to Rogers. My sister has.

[Adam Carolla]

There's three.

[Allison Rosen]

Look who just showed up.

[Bald Brian]

The ability to work.

[Adam Carolla]

This is another thing. Everyone's worried about air conditioning and time off and how much time can we get off? It's a big battle about how much time can we get off and how much maternity time. And doesn't the dad need a few months of maternity leave? And what about the gay couple? They deserve maternity leave as well. And this, really.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a vision I do not want to contemplate. But go Ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

It's coming, it's coming. The point is this. Stop fighting so hard for days off. It's weakening you. It's an insane thing. It's this weird. It's a weird thing that people, they push so hard toward the pleasure part of life that they don't realize that they're robbing themselves of the satisfaction part of life. I've been doing. I've been in show business for, you know, 20 some odd years now, and I haven't really had financially to do a lot of the work. I used to be a carpenter and I haven't had to. I didn't have to build this studio and I didn't have to build this console. This console we're leaning on, I remember. Well, we sort of knocked off on a Friday and I ordered this red laminate and I ordered it. It's funny going back to all these old places I used to order materials for and when I used to work for a living doing that stuff. And now coming back driving a Jaguar and still ordering the same stuff, but coming from a different place and being able to pay for it. But I go back to some of these old places, these hardwood supply places and big plywood places and laminate, custom laminate place. And I ordered this stuff up and it showed up at the end of the day on Friday. So my guys were all knocking off at 3:30 and this thing showed up at 3:25 and everyone just sort of looked at me and said, well, we'll lay it up Monday. First thing in the morning, we'll get started. And I said, yeah, because it just came in and I was chomping at the bit because I wanted to see this console finished, you know. And sure enough, I came in on Saturday alone and it's a little cumbersome because the sheet was like 5ft wide and 10ft long and it's a couple, maybe a millimeter thick and it's unwieldy. But I knew from my former days of working in a cabinet shop how to lay this up alone, which is basically, you take this Formica that again, if you got a picture at about 5 foot wide and about 10 foot long, just how unwieldy that would be. And you have to use contact cement. You don't put this stuff down with hot glue or caulking or anything. You do contact cement. You take a roller, you do one side, the inside surface of the laminate and then you do the top side of the other thing, the console that you're going to put it to. And I can tell you it's weird, but you have to wait for both of them to dry. Completely dry. Put your hand in the middle of it, put your hand on the console, put your hand on the material, pick it up, dry as a bone. Then when they touch, just touch, they weld together. So if there's anything where you're laying up something mistakenly, a part flops down and touches, it'll tear it before you can fix it. So how do you get this 10 foot piece that's 5 foot wide on this thing? Well, you do a whole bunch of thin dowels. You put a whole bunch of sticks like every 16, 18 inches. You set it on top, it's dry, dowels will roll around. Then you lay the sheet down on top of the dowels and you sort of roll it around to. You get it just how you want it. Then you start pulling the dowels out sequentially and patting the thing down. I was here on Saturday doing that because I couldn't wait until Monday. I wanted to see it on Saturday. And I think a lot of people think, well, look, let somebody else do it or pay the guys or have them do it or tell them to do it on Monday. I get a lot of satisfaction out of doing it on a Saturday. And I think it spills into other facets of my life.

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely. And every time you sit here, it's a thing of joy to you. It's a thing of pride. You did that with your hands. I will sit at the Waffle House and watch a short order cook for an hour after I finish my omelette. It's unbelievable the way they work. And then those kids, they have. If they put the butter on a certain. If the waitress puts the butter on a certain side of the plate, that means it's a scrambled egg. The system that these people do, hard working people, they know how to do it, they do it with. I love to watch somebody at their craft. Yeah, Baseball. I love somebody who'll hit the cutoff man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Allison Rosen]

You're making $10 million a year and you can't hit the damn cutoff man. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. I don't know why we decide that. Working with your hands or working on your feet or working hard or working a job where your forehead gets sweaty. Why, that's demeaning. Somehow I think the left has decided that's demeaning to people like, you know, they do this thing where, you know, nobody's going to do this and who's going to pick your vegetables if we, you know, Beef up the borders. And who's going to?

[Bald Brian]

People.

[Adam Carolla]

People who work. People who want to work, people who should work, young people.

[Allison Rosen]

I did. I wrote a song. And I'm not trying to do that ordeal. Well, let's get back to me, but let's talk about me, because you told a really long story that had nothing to do with me.

[Bald Brian]

Now it's all about laminate.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm. I'm your guest. Dinesh's movie. Dinesh D'Souza. The way that the left has brainwashed the people and put them in the 20th century plantations, the slums of the inner cities, in the north mainly, and in the south, and have enslaved them with welfare and told them that they are owed a living. Come vote for us and we'll keep giving it to you. There is no pride of craftsmanship. There is no pride in working. There is nothing that is noble that my father taught us. And somebody taught you about the laminate deal. And as such, we have people whose existence it is just that. I wrote a song. My favorite line I ever wrote in.

[Adam Carolla]

A song was, oh, is it about laminate?

[Allison Rosen]

It's really about laminate.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the subtext is laminate.

[Allison Rosen]

It's laminate.

[Adam Carolla]

I should think for a moment.

[Allison Rosen]

The line says, just existing makes dying look easy. But maybe tomorrow. I've done enough dying today. What it should be, not doing your own laminate really sucks big time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's got a ring to it.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'll work on that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's finger popping right there.

[Allison Rosen]

That'll get them.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a great lyric and I want to get back to it. One second because I have thoughts, believe it or not, on what you just said. First, simply safe. I met the engineer who invented simply safe.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I go pee while you're talking about simply safe? Folks, I'll be right back.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, number two, I don't know if I can stretch it that far, but number one. Yeah, okay. The engineer.

[Allison Rosen]

My hands are clean. You want me to pee for you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Simply Safe. So the guy invented it was at Harvard. His friends got ripped off, they got robbed, their place got robbed. So he is the greatest friend ever. Starts shopping around, looking at companies, trying to figure out to get a security company. And they're like clunky and expensive and I got to drill holes and I got to pull wires and it's a mess. Anyway, he invented Simplisafe. He did what smart, hard working dudes do. He just went, this doesn't exist. Well, now it's going to. No drilling. Just $14.99 a month, three times less than most security companies. No long term lock in contracts, no long commitments. And right now you get 100 bucks off my hand picked security system. They got the entry and the motion sensor and the glass breaking sensors. Go to simplisafeadam.com that's simplisafeadam.com S I M P L I simplysafe Adam. All right, Larry Gatlin is shaking the dew off the lily. He'll be in. I'm glad I got to the bottom of that story. It's pretty crazy story, isn't it Gary?

[Bald Brian]

It's pretty nuts. He goes up and he's trying to.

[Brian Posehn]

Glad hand with a dude and then.

[Bald Brian]

Two years later his mom calls him and goes, why are you and my boys raping? It's bizarre.

[Brian Posehn]

That's insanity.

[Bald Brian]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so that line, repeat that existing line one more time for us.

[Allison Rosen]

Just existing makes dying look easy, right? You want to hear it? I've got my guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Save my place.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Save your place. So what I was saying is, yes, it's easy. I remember myself at a certain point in my life. Now, I didn't grow up in the inner city and I wasn't gang banging. But you say you hear these stories and somebody says, geez, he shot this guy over $10. Or he fired at this guy, you know, he was 14 years old and they opened fire on this guy.

[Bald Brian]

What about his life?

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't he worry? What about prison? What about his family? Will you remove when prison or death is sort of a lateral move, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

From where you are now, of course you're going to do that. I mean, I can tell you just in my own experience, I was poor, I was somewhat depressed, I had no future. And I rode a motorcycle and it had a bald back tire and I'd ride it in the rain and I didn't care. Like I was 19 or 20. I had nothing to look forward to but just a hard life. At that time, in my mind it was going to be a long struggle met with a lot of manual labor. And I wasn't attempting to kill myself, but I rode around a motorcycle with a bald tire in the rain and I just didn't care. And now I have stuff to lose. So I don't ride around on a motorcycle in the rain with a bald tire because I have things to lose. These guys growing up in the inner city, they got nothing to lose. If you don't give somebody something to lose, then who cares? Shoot a cop Shoot a neighbor, shoot yourself. It doesn't matter. Everything's a lateral move.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, freedom. Freedom for one is different than freedom for the other. You know, my friend Kris Kristofferson wrote what I think is the greatest line in history. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

[Adam Carolla]

Made famous by Janis Joplin.

[Allison Rosen]

By Janis Joplin. So that kind of freedom means that you're going to go hold up a liquor. That is freedom, but it is a disjointed. It is a horrible kind of freedom that says devil may care, you know, I'm gonna go do this anyway. The context of my song was it's a love song. I mean, it's like, what will we do now? You tell me. The hourglass is all out of sight. I was up till 11:30 last night. High notes are hard. How could love slip through our fingers and leave nothing but time on our hands? And how will we live now? You tell me. With parts of our hearts torn away. Just existing makes dying look easy. But maybe tomorrow. I've done enough dying today. So in the context of a love song, that means a certain thing to me, you know, as it would a breakup or whatever of two people. But I'd never thought of it in the context of. In the hood, it can mean who gives a crap? Well, I'm going to go do this. I'm just existing now. Anything's better than this. I'm going to go hold up a liquor store. I'm going to sell drugs. I'm going to do whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Really think about whether you're living in the hood or the barrio or wherever you're living and. Or you're in some parts of the Middle east and you're sleeping on a dirt floor and there's a scorpion crawling on your head at night. Hard to find clean water. Why not put on an explosive vest and go into an airport? What is the difference? I mean, I can tell you, growing up with a fair amount of poverty, no air conditioning, sort of uncomfortable, not a lot of amenities. Prison honestly, is honestly, a lateral move to a lot of. Would be a lateral move to a lot of folks in this country and a step up for half the homeless guys.

[Bald Brian]

You try to.

[Allison Rosen]

At least it's worth taking the chance. It's worth going ahead and living, you know, walking with.

[Bald Brian]

Well, if somebody said the wire without.

[Allison Rosen]

A net, you know.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, if somebody. Look, if somebody says, this Mexican drug cartel, they're gonna give you $10,000 just to go ahead and drive across the border with this duffel bag and you go, all right. Well, I could go to prison, but $10,000, more money I'm ever gonna see in my life. And I'm going back to dirt floor and not a lot of food. Yeah, you take that chance. And I gotta tell you, if somebody would have got ahold of me when I was 19 and said, Take this duffel bag and go to Tijuana, I'll give you $10,000, I think I would have done it.

[Allison Rosen]

If they'll make it 100, I may do it.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a little desperate, but now I have something to lose, so you gotta give people something to lose.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna write a song to some people. Some, da, da, da, da. They got nothing to lose. For them to stay in prison is just a lateral move.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Boy, that is good. Let me write that, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Work some laminate. Talk into that, if you could.

[Allison Rosen]

Laminate's hard to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, hard to rhyme. Let's see.

[Allison Rosen]

Contaminant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, how about Formica? That's no good. Oh, there's also one called Wilson Art. No one's going to get that reference.

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you what.

[Allison Rosen]

Laminate. I like. Contaminant. Examine it. I can rhyme Crap and claw hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

I just telling everybody. People, look. And that thing about losing something, it doesn't need to be a mansion and a Rolls Royce. It could just means it could be your pride, it could be your work, it could be your family. You know, whatever it is, you got to value something. That something you value doesn't have to have value. It just has to have meaning to you.

[Allison Rosen]

To you.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you do that, then you won't go out and do whatever it is you might have done because you may lose that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how it works.

[Allison Rosen]

I believe it.

[Bald Brian]

All right, Truecar, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

You want some pricing info? You need a better buying experience. How about TrueCar? Enjoy a faster, cleaner, easier process. @trucar.com, our Chris Maxpad just went there, got his Prius. No muss, no fuss. Over 2 million cars have been sold by over 11,000 TrueCar certified dealers nationwide. Truecar users save an average about 3200 bucks. Even more. Buy new, buy used, buy with TrueCar. Truecar.com if you're buying a new car. If you're buying a used car, Truecar. Put the app. Just get the app. It's free. Download the app. Truecar app. Get it. Wasting some time at the airport. Check out some cars. See if they're going for it wherever you are. Maybe got A layover. Check it out. Truecar.com all right. Live shows for me all over the place. Cincinnati, Chicago, Boston, Connecticut, Dallas, Austin. Going all over the place. You can go to AdamCarolla.com we got a cruise coming up December 9th. That's really cool. Doing some live podcast in there in Mangria and hanging out. Good prices, fun times. They got a real limit on those staterooms, so check that out. Adamcroll.com Going fast, by the way.

[Bald Brian]

So are they. Don't dilly dally. Yeah, we're at least we're significantly sold.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I would assume for 575 bucks in three days and going to Mexico.

[Bald Brian]

Plus only a $200 deposit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Pay the rest of that later in August.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Why wouldn't you do that? I need more of that. More than that and shrimp. Anyway, the gathering.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. I'm texting my wife that you're very long winded and I'm going to miss her lunch date.

[Bald Brian]

So go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers album the Gospel According to Gatlin. And what you should do is you should go to gatlinbrothers.com and find out all about the live tour dates for hardest working band and country music and the gospel.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, the word gospel just means good news. And the good news is we don't preach to anybody. So it's our kind of Christian message. But it has a song on there about my recovery from drugs, you know, and alcohol. And I say the first line is I thought I was dancing till somebody stepped on my finger. So, you know, it's not exactly Amazing grace and B flat stuff like that.

[Bald Brian]

All right, there's adam Kurilla Show 1857. Come up next, we have Adam Krilla show episode 1000 live from room 5 in Amalfi with Ben Schwartz, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2013. Check it out. Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[Ben Schwartz]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Bald Brian]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[Ben Schwartz]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Bald Brian]

Like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning. Whether you in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Larry Gatlin]

Or Tracker or curl up with a.

[Bald Brian]

Surefire hit like Forrest Gump Run Forest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV Stream now pay never. Adam's guest today from House of Lies, Ben Schwartz plus Allison Rosen on news.

[Allison Rosen]

And Paul Bryant on sound effects.

[Bald Brian]

And now celebrating 1000 shows and 976,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Uses of the word cunt.

[Bald Brian]

Adam Corolla. Yeah. Get it on Got to get it.

[Adam Carolla]

On no choice but to get it on Mandate.

[Bald Brian]

Get it on thank you. Let's give a hand to Elijah here.

[Adam Carolla]

Who we've left a chair open for.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you very much for coming out tonight. That is Allison Rosen over there.

[Larry Gatlin]

Hello, everyone.

[Bald Brian]

Bald Brian to my left. Ben Schwartz is coming out here. And we have a passion from Alison's book she'd been working on, I believe, last year.

[Adam Carolla]

So we'll get to that in just a second.

[Bald Brian]

I don't have. You know, when we do these kind of shows in front of an audience, I try to preload three or four ideas before we come up on stage. So I have something to talk about tonight. I only have one, and it's a taco shell. And so I'm gonna need some help here because there's not a lot to go off of, but you only have about 45 minutes. I could probably do 45, 50 minutes on taco shells. Does that include tacos? Because then we're over an hour. Although I would like some fucking clarification on fish tacos, because I've ordered the fish tacos where you get the mahi mahi and you get the little tortilla, and it has the weird tartar whatever sauce. This, you know, Mexican secret sauce, which I'm guessing involves semen, but sparingly.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a secret.

[Bald Brian]

And then there's the fish. Here's what I'm saying. There are times when you order the fish tacos because you're trying to make a healthy choice, right? Because it's the ahi tuna with all the cabbage and everything. But then you get all the little breaded pieces of cod, and it's covered with the deep fried batter, and it's covered with the Thousand island dressing. And it's actually worse than getting the pork taco. And I know it sounds sexual, but what I'm saying is, is give her the pork taco, man. What I'm saying is I need some clarity. Like, I need to know. I had. I had fish tacos tonight that were horrible for me because there were a bunch of little deep fried breaded battery. I may as well just ordered McNuggets.

[Larry Gatlin]

After a lifetime of dieting, here's pretty much what I realized. If it tastes good, it's fattening.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. All right.

[Larry Gatlin]

So were the tacos good?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they were good. Okay. It's bad for me. Okay. But I. The guy behind the counter needs to tell you which fish taco you're getting. And I don't feel like we have three different kinds of steakhouse taco, pork taco. You know, we have a soft taco and a hard shell taco, but fish taco. It's a fucking crab. It's a crab shoot. It's a crab shoot. What is. So my. My nanny. It was. It was taco night last night at my house, which used to be. I feel like my kids should be much more excited by. You know what I mean? Remember when there's. You just put night behind anything?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Taco night. Hey, it's twister night. It's molestation night. Like, if you put night. Eat sand night. Yeah, if you put night. Oh, by the way, my. I should. Okay, now I gotta hold every thought. Tonight I was skipping my rope, and my daughter came bounding up into my room that I skipped my rope in. And she said she'd been doing a lot of thinking and she wants her own ringtone. And she's tired of Sunny stealing all her thunder with. If that's just a waste of my time.

[Teresa Strasser]

We got a decent one.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I know. We. I told her about that one, and Daddy stopped talking and stuff. She announced she wanted a new one, and it was a Bruce Springsteen guitar riff, which she then did for me. And I told her she needed to talk to James Baby Doll Dixon. Because I couldn't make these kinds of decisions without him. He'd get pissed off at me.

[Larry Gatlin]

Okay, well, I'm surprised she doesn't have representation. Also, not to be a diva. Is there any way we could. I feel like I'm being interrogated by that light. Is there any. Can it be.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Angled any other way?

[Bald Brian]

It does seem. It seems exceptionally hot. Yeah. The light was bouncing off Paul Brian's forehead. It's like. It's like his forehead. It's like I felt like I was piloting a light aircraft and his forehead was stuck on an island and it was trying to signal me.

[Larry Gatlin]

I know.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean?

[Larry Gatlin]

I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's like I'm burning ants.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what it was. The Hubble head over there. So. All right, tacos. Here's what I like in life. You guys tell me if you like this part of life. It's my favorite part of life. Tacos that we. That we were eating on. On taco night. Which, again, should meet with more enthusiasm from my children than it actually does. Like, big whoop, it's taco night. I'm more excited. Me and the dog are more excited. Taco night. I've noticed that the taco shells now stand on their own.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

They've squared off the bottom of the taco shell.

[Teresa Strasser]

Flat bottom.

[Bald Brian]

The flat bottom. They flattened out the bottom of the taco shell.

[Larry Gatlin]

Like an iPhone stand.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Right. Formerly tacos were basically just like drunken people with zip ties around their ankles. That's. That's the way I always thought of taco shells. I know you all did, too, but I mean, it's like, like just. They would not. And then somebody had to invent a long wooden stick that had a bunch of notches in it. You know, if you're professionally into tacos, like if you were going to, you know, if you were upping your taco game to the point where you were going to make six or eight of these at once, you had a taco. I don't check taco rack on a stick or something.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Taco rake. Yeah. And it sounds like a small town outside of Arizona. Where are you from? Out. Taco rake. Oh, we're right outside of Phoenix.

[Larry Gatlin]

I flew over that one 20 minutes from the airport.

[Bald Brian]

I always feel like people are lying when they do that.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Because there's a place you've never heard of and they're like four minutes from the airport, on top of the airport, in the airport, under and on. And in the airport. It's on the tram. That's where taco rake is. So they've now invented taco shells that stand on their own. And I love this part of life because it does not require any more technology. It doesn't require any more materials, it doesn't require any more labor. It doesn't do. It doesn't require anything except for a good fucking idea.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's just a correction.

[Bald Brian]

It's a correction. But then it also makes me think, how many fucking years were we having these capsized tacos? Like, every single time thing would fall over and then all the grated cheese would be like, oh, the humanity. No, I'm going over the side.

[Adam Carolla]

Look out.

[Bald Brian]

Hang on. Shredded lettuce.

[Larry Gatlin]

Or like, you take a bite of your taco and then you realize you need to go to the bathroom.

[Bald Brian]

What to do? What to do? You can't say, oh, yeah, right, yeah, no, yeah, right, right. What to do. And that is about the time you decide you should go to the bathrooms after that first bite of Mexican food. What to do? Do.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I wonder if Huel Hauser was lucky enough to see the flat bottom taco.

[Brian Posehn]

Let's pray, because that Would have.

[Bald Brian]

Let's pray in the topper. You know, whenever I talk to an athlete or performer who won like, a Heisman or who won Academy Award or Super bowl or something, and then they tell me about how their dad passed on, I always ask and pray that he was there long enough to see them hoist the Lombardi or win the Heisman or whatever it is. And let's hope Hewell was around long enough to see that.

[Adam Carolla]

A taco shell that stood on its own two feet.

[Bald Brian]

This is amazing. Like that great man did here in the San Fernando Valley for so many years.

[Larry Gatlin]

All right, I have a taco issue to bring up. The other day, I was eating tortilla chips, and one went down sideways and, like, I think kind of scraped the. The bottom of my mouth on its way down. And I actually suggested that maybe I needed stitches because there was a tiny river of blood. I find hard taco shells to be pretty dangerous.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Where do you stand on this?

[Bald Brian]

Well, first off, as you well may or may not know, I lost a twin brother to a taco shell shard in 1971. It's. Yeah, it's not something I like to talk about.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yet you cavalierly have taco night.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you know what? He would have wanted us. Darrell would have wanted that for us.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't want to press you on the details, but did he live long enough to see that you do the man show?

[Bald Brian]

No, no, that's. That's the point. That's. That's the sad part. He does not know that side of me. Yeah, he got a. He bit into it. It exploded. I tore retina on a shard of shell, and then he got one lodged in his esophagus, and he just dropped. And he died doing what he loved, eating Mexican food. You know, it was taco night, and we vowed to carry on, you know, in his name.

[Larry Gatlin]

They should make them like plate glass so that when it cracks.

[Bald Brian]

You mean like safety glass? Yes, that's.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yes, that's what I mean. Right, exactly. They are like plate glass right now. And that you could actually decapitate yourself with a shard.

[Bald Brian]

Right. I. I know. I agree. That's the fakest part of all the movies, when the guy blows out all the car windows and everything's flying everywhere. Yes. All right, so tacos can stand on their own two feet now. And I am simply in love with this notion. I really am. And maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should.

[Larry Gatlin]

Maybe we're making less of a big deal than we should.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Why aren't you guys more enthused about this whole taco revelation that's going on right now? No more. I'm just saying. But here's the thing. What? 65 years of tacos falling over before somebody like, here's all I'm interested in, life. You take a taco and you set it down and it falls over because the bottom of it is rounded. Right?

[Larry Gatlin]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

At that point when the first one came off the conveyor belt in 1940, one shouldn't have. Somebody said, well, hey, wait a minute. Maybe if we squared off the bottom of these bad boys, they wouldn't fall over. All it takes is a new mold.

[Larry Gatlin]

Taco rakes.

[Bald Brian]

How many millions. Millions of tacos have fallen over? I'll bet you that's. That's.

[Larry Gatlin]

You're being.

[Bald Brian]

Billions kajillions of tacos have fallen over how much ground beef in cows? You know what I mean?

[Larry Gatlin]

I don't even.

[Bald Brian]

It's scary to imagine how much ground beef is onto the floor.

[Larry Gatlin]

The carnage.

[Bald Brian]

The flavored.

[Teresa Strasser]

The carne carnage.

[Bald Brian]

The carne carnage, yes. How much? How much? Beautifully seasoned ground beef and shredded lettuce. It's one of the few applications for the shredded lettuce.

[Larry Gatlin]

It really is.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know who decided it must be shredded for this one application. How much of that has hit the floor of either the dining room at the Mexican joint or your own house? Huh? How many dogs have diabetes right now because they have eaten what has fallen off of that table because of the tacos that could not stand on their own two feet?

[Larry Gatlin]

I know.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I say it's time to stop, people.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Bald Brian]

Powerful. Yes. You know how I'm going to get to talk about this? Bill Cosby. He tried it with the black community. It didn't go so well. I feel he could work the taco community with this.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

All right, now, do you have a passage from your.

[Larry Gatlin]

I do, and I think we need to explain it. So what happened was, like, last year, I guess we were talking about someone who had written a mem. We were talking about a pregnancy memoir. And then you were saying that every.

[Bald Brian]

Cop out celebrity writes. Even dudes these days.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Right. You know what it's like to be pregnant.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Right. And then, oh, Jenny McCarthy, she's so brave. She talked about being fat and then nipples hurt. She's a hero.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

And then you were saying that I should write a pregnancy memoir. And I said, well, but I'm not pregnant. And then you said, but now's the time.

[Bald Brian]

Now's the time.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Because when you are pregnant, you're gonna be, you know, busy with the.

[Larry Gatlin]

Being pregnant.

[Bald Brian]

Being pregnant. Pumping.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah. And then it's like, you know, gonna be 18 years or whatever.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

However many of people are going to.

[Bald Brian]

Call you a poser. Like, oh, you're only writing a book on pregnancy because you're pregnant. Right. So obviously, you know what I mean? Like people do with me in Vietnam. Oh, because you went. Yeah, yeah. Or sort of the opposite.

[Larry Gatlin]

But yeah, I know. Because you get a lot of, like, you really should have been in Vietnam to write about it. Hello. It's called an imagination.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It's called Google. You know what? Maybe you guys were too close to Vietnam. You guys had survived the Tet offense.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah. I mean, maybe you can't offer.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[Larry Gatlin]

You really have to not be there to be able to write about it, which is kind of the heart of like.

[Bald Brian]

Like a phone psychic.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

The reason I can tell your future is because I don't know you.

[Larry Gatlin]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

And you're giving me.

[Larry Gatlin]

You'd get all muddy with the details.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Larry Gatlin]

So this is what I'd expect if I were expecting. Well, I went to visit Dr. Buzco yesterday and he told me if I gained one more ounce, I'd be endangering the baby. The baby. I thought to myself, the real danger is to my waistline, self esteem and any bag of chips in a 20 mile radius. We're talking major cravings here, people. Barbecue, Cool ranch, sour cream and onions, salt and vinegar, vinegar and water. I don't care if they taste like douche. If they're greasy and covered in salt, I will eat the hell out of them. And then wash it down with a summer's even soda, which really doesn't taste all that different than a reunited on ice. Which is how I got into this mess to begin with. Lol. But seriously, I have been given the greatest gift of all. I'm going to bring a life into this world. I feel truly blessed and a little superior to those poor souls who, for whatever reason, aren't able or don't want to have kids. Dear God, if you see fit, please help these selfish, childish, sorry, selfish, childless people get knocked up. Also, please make my baby attractive enough to be a Baby Gap model. Amen.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Larry Gatlin]

And then. Yeah, we have.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry, hold your applause. Hold your applause for me later. All right, go ahead.

[Larry Gatlin]

Upcoming chapters include foreskin and seven years ago or circumcision through the ages. Holy hell, I can't stop burping. And can I name my baby Carbuncle Johnson if I'm white?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, wow. Powerful social commentary. Now you may applaud. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for that. Speaking of kids and why not to have them, I fuck. What? Listen, can I just say this? I know you can't hit your kids anymore, but. What are you talking about? Every fucking conversation I have with my daughter is a 14 move, you know, back and forth. It's like the Jews and the Palestinians and it's a fucking negotiation. And she's got her.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what I'm saying.

[Bald Brian]

Like what, what do you do? I mean, I'm saying like when you could just take a fucking flip flop off and go across their head with it or take that wooden spoon or do something. It was, it was a conversation ender. It just stopped. So here's how the conversation goes. My, my, my daughter has this, like, she has two things. She has this Easy glider thing that she sort of sit on. It's like a mechanics creeper for kids. Like the thing you slide under cars with, except for your lay back. But the problem is it's like it's meant for sliding under SUVs, essentially. And we go walking through the hills and my daughter says, I'm taking my Easy glider. And the next thing you know, she takes off down the hill going, woo. She's crazy. She's like a speed junkie or maybe just like a junkie junkie. And I yell, natalia, slow down. Like I'm running after. Because I'm thinking a car's gonna come up the hill and she's gonna slide right under the fucking bumper. And I don't care what happens to her. My fucking wife's gonna kill me if I don't come home with her.

[Larry Gatlin]

And you're gonna crush the Easy Glider.

[Bald Brian]

Yay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is it meant to be ridden like that or she using it for not its purpose?

[Bald Brian]

She's supposed to be doing this with her feet and working this sort of pumping action with her feet, but when she's on a 45 degree grade, she just goes sailing down the fucking hill. So tonight she announces she's going out walking, she's going with the nanny, and she's bringing her Easy Glider. And it's dark outside. And I say, no, you're not going with the Easy Glider. You're gonna roll under a car, it's dark outside, there's traffic coming up the hill, you're gonna get killed. And she goes, well, what if I just pull it with me? During the hill part, and then I'll get on it when it flattens out and I say, no, no, no. Easy glider there. I know it sounds like a newfangled tampon, but I say no. And she says, all right, well, what if Olga hangs on to my hand when I. And I go no, and she goes through 15 different machinations of whatever this is, and I go, no, because you can't, because Olga's holding Molly and Molly's gonna be tugging on. But I realize if I could just hit her with a fucking flip flop, this conversation would be over.

[Larry Gatlin]

Well, you should do that then.

[Bald Brian]

I should do that then, right?

[Larry Gatlin]

No. She needs to learn that no means no.

[Bald Brian]

I. You know how people figure out no means no? You hit them once and then they realize no means no until that no means fuck you, old man. Let's continue this argument into the future.

[Larry Gatlin]

I see I'm actually someone for whom I can't handle no meaning no. So I. But. But outside of it, I can diagnose that that's. She's just gonna keep trying to come up with ways to outsmart you, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Netcredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit when other lenders say no, apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit. Application subject to review and approval. Learn [e-mail] partners netcredit credit to the people.

[Bald Brian]

Look around. You can find cars like these on.

[Allison Rosen]

Autotrader, like that car riding your tail.

[Bald Brian]

Or if you're tailgating right now, all those cars doubling as kitchens and living living rooms are on autotrader too. Are you working out and listening to.

[Allison Rosen]

This ad at the same time?

[Bald Brian]

Well, multitasking pro cars like the ones in the gym parking lot are for sale on autotrader. New cars, used cars, electric cars, maybe even flying cars. Okay, no flying cars, but as soon.

[Allison Rosen]

As they get invented, they'll be on Autotrader.

[Bald Brian]

Just you wait. Autotrader. Let's bring Ben Schwartz up here because he just walked in. House of Lies Season 2, Sunday nights, 10pm Showtime. Ben, how. How do we get. How do we love Beyond Parks and Rec, by the way? Oh, thank you so much.

[Mike]

I appreciate it.

[Bald Brian]

How do really like I look? I don't want to turn into a black comedian here and talk about.

[Mike]

I can't wait to hear where this goes.

[Bald Brian]

This is good. How. How mama used to beat the out of. To go get my own switch and beat the out of me and all that kind of physical abuse while everyone laughs their ass off. Yeah, I'm not gonna go down that road. But seriously, I have a daughter who thinks we're on an equal footing at home and thinks everything can just be taken to the supreme court and we can argue everything and does not listen to a fucking word I say. And if I said one well placed shot from a. I love when you stand up.

[Mike]

I love when you stand up.

[Bald Brian]

Just, just, just one. Just to sting of the flip flop across the forehead, you know what I'm saying?

[Teresa Strasser]

The thing is, you have to make it count, though. You can't just hit her once, because if you miss or you graze her, then that's funny.

[Mike]

The question is, why does she think that to begin with? Why does she feel like she can keep arguing back and forth?

[Bald Brian]

No flip flop in a vacuum of.

[Mike]

Flip flops, In a world where there's no punishment with baseball bats or flip flops.

[Bald Brian]

Well, what would make you think you could speed if you never got a ticket for speeding? And like when the cop pulled you over and he went, you know how fast you're going? And you'd go, do you know how fast you were going? Like, what would ever stop you from speeding? What stops you from speeding as a guy pulls you over?

[Mike]

I will say this.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know, I don't know about.

[Mike]

It, but if a police officer ever pulled me over and he said, you know how fast you go? And then took a fucking flip flop, bam. I would never speed ever again. Yeah, I don't know if that works. Your own child would.

[Larry Gatlin]

You really.

[Mike]

You would never hit your child.

[Bald Brian]

But I want, but I don't want him. Tired of negotiating everything, you know, and she's smarter than me, so she sucks me in with these scenarios that actually sort of make sense. Like, you know, well, what if I walk the cart down the steep part and then when it flattens out and then I'm like, well, it just kind of. No, no, it just keeps going. And then at a certain point, she left without her easy glider because I had to lay the. The law down. And I gave her a good. I gave her a hug, like a backside hug. Like, I got around the neck and gave her a big kiss on it. I know it sounds pro wrestling.

[Mike]

It sounds aggressive.

[Bald Brian]

It does. And she goes, oh, you hurt my neck. And I was like, I kimchi on the forehead. And she's like, you hurt my neck. And I said, you're fine. And then later on when I came down and my Wife was saying there she was explaining how I choked her.

[Mike]

You gave her a choke hug. You loved her so hard you stopped the oxygen from going to her brain.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. Yeah. A lot of people find that sensation very, you know, around us.

[Mike]

Enjoy that. Sure, sure, sure.

[Larry Gatlin]

Only as they're orgasming, though.

[Bald Brian]

Do you know. Do you know anyone who's died? You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

In that age range.

[Mike]

You know that age range of people who auto erotics officiate. There's an age.

[Bald Brian]

I was even thinking that. Well, yeah, there is an age.

[Mike]

Right there was.

[Bald Brian]

I.

[Mike]

By the way, I'm making a funny joke.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, no, you don't do it, you know, in your. In your. You know, you don't do it from, you know, 0 to 14 and a half.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

And then you probably knock it off around 32. I don't know. How old are you?

[Mike]

I'm 31 years old.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, so you got one year. And by the way, I don't know.

[Mike]

What'S going on right now.

[Bald Brian]

Auto radical fixation. Don't play stupid with me. And by the way, I said 32. I didn't know you were 31.

[Mike]

Pretty good.

[Bald Brian]

When are you going to turn 32?

[Mike]

September.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. This is the most dangerous nine and a half months of your life. Well, I only have a year. Have you seen the movies where the cop says, I retire next week? Yeah. What happens? Yeah. Bullet to the head, man. That's right.

[Larry Gatlin]

This is when you're going to be.

[Bald Brian]

This is when you could die. Beating off. Right now, tonight.

[Mike]

It's so weird because that's. I saw a fortune teller, she's like, you're gonna die jerking off one day. I literally. That's all she said. And she didn't even know my sign or anything.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. Am I true? Yeah. That gypsy lady spoke the truth, by the way.

[Mike]

She disappeared five minutes later to look back, she wasn't even there anymore.

[Bald Brian]

That's how they work. You never turn around and they're going, what? What are you looking at? I'm hanging out and they're not smoking.

[Larry Gatlin]

There's never a long goodbye. Like, hey, you leave. Leave now. No, you leave now.

[Mike]

Yeah, you turn around. There was an abandoned Blockbuster Video where she was.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Mike]

And I was like, what the hell is going on?

[Bald Brian]

Right. So here you are knocking on the door of 32.

[Mike]

That makes you feel old. 32 is. What is. What does 32 mean?

[Bald Brian]

It's the. It's. It's. You're out of the danger zone of auto erotic asphyxiation.

[Mike]

Outside of that, is there any other specifics that wants to turn 32? Things get dreary or.

[Bald Brian]

No, no, then you coast. You coast for like 15 years and then colon cancer creeps in. Oh yeah, like so. But that's a sweet spot. That little sweet spot between 32. Colon cancer. Yeah, it's a sweet zone, Brian. You're right. You're right. I mean, besides the brain tumor, you're. You're coasting, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Everything's coming up, Brian.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, man.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

I mean, if it wasn't for the malignant brain tumor, you'd be laughing your ass off.

[Teresa Strasser]

Aside from that, it'd be hilarious.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So. So if you can make it. And like I said, like an 80s cop movie where you go woo.

[Adam Carolla]

One more day tire at the end.

[Bald Brian]

Of this year and I already got a boat. I named it and everything. That just means trouble, you know what I'm saying?

[Mike]

The name of my boat is no Cancer. Never.

[Bald Brian]

Well, no, now you're. No, it's the auto Erotic fiction.

[Mike]

That's so many letters. And then me thinking about how expensive would be to put that on the boat.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And you figure all the other guys. Boats that are in the slips where they're like, I just named mine after my grandson. But you had to name yours after auto erotic asphyxiation that I somehow got through. And by the way, it's only supposed.

[Adam Carolla]

To be on the back of the boat.

[Bald Brian]

It's not supposed to turn the corner around the side. Yeah, if I gotta walk around the boat, figure out the fucking name.

[Mike]

By the way, asphyxiation with an A. Could just be like a snake eating its own ouroboros just keep eating itself. The words. I. I'll never do that.

[Bald Brian]

You know what?

[Mike]

Again, I'll be fine.

[Bald Brian]

That's what a lot of.

[Brian Posehn]

That's.

[Bald Brian]

That's what a lot of departed between 14 and a half and 32 year olds say.

[Mike]

God, 14 and a half. Thinking about it. 14, half. I was just playing super Nintendo all day.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. With a lamp cord around your neck, you freak.

[Larry Gatlin]

Just to hold your head up.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Larry Gatlin]

Like it's that hard.

[Bald Brian]

My. My manager's assistant died of this. I swear to God.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to God.

[Larry Gatlin]

Well, now it's getting funnier.

[Bald Brian]

Oh no.

[Mike]

Now I'm like really sad.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah, he's right in that sweet spot.

[Mike]

How old was he?

[Bald Brian]

He was right your age. He's 31. In you know, a few months. Yeah, yeah, I. Worst fucking funeral I was gonna ever. The fucking words.

[Mike]

What makes A bad funeral.

[Bald Brian]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

What makes.

[Bald Brian]

Why is it bad?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Well, the one where the guy died in his 90s and he's buried in a Civil War outfit, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And he has 26 grandkids are standing by his coffin. Not so bad, but not as bad.

[Larry Gatlin]

Or even the one where someone dies, like saving a bunch of kids from a burning place, Right?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah. A lot of tears, but not nearly. Not nearly as bad.

[Adam Carolla]

But the.

[Bald Brian]

This, not bad.

[Larry Gatlin]

And did everyone dance around it?

[Bald Brian]

The physically dance around it?

[Mike]

You've ever been to a funeral before, by the way? Ask that question. You've never been to a funeral?

[Larry Gatlin]

I've been to. Excuse me. I've been to many funerals. Wait, what do you think I meant?

[Mike]

You dance around the coffin of a dead man.

[Bald Brian]

Dance around.

[Mike]

People are doing the horror around the coffin.

[Larry Gatlin]

Isn't that. Yeah, no, no.

[Bald Brian]

We, we, we, we did not. The cause of death talk. I. First off, I didn't even take the chance on masturbating. I mean, normally, you know, in any three or four hour period on a weekend, you know, well, with food and the service, you know what I mean? But I broke my tradition and I was like, I'm not even gonna chance it by masturbating.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's usually his way of affirming life after.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Larry Gatlin]

You might never want to get yourself more.

[Bald Brian]

It's the way grandpa would have wanted it. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

10 times. It means masturbate 10 times every weekend if you sleep for six hours.

[Bald Brian]

Hmm.

[Mike]

Huh? What if you said between every four hours you masturbate?

[Bald Brian]

No, I'm just saying, saying a period, you know, here's what I'm saying. If I would have possibly done it anyway when I was at home during that time period, well, then, you know, I don't like to break with tradition.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's like this. Adam plus free time equals masturbation, right? Especially with an iPad.

[Bald Brian]

Plus prostate plus prostate health, which then spills in from 47 to 53.

[Mike]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

God, tell me one thing I can look forward to in my life.

[Larry Gatlin]

The sweet release of death.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Mike]

Masturbation and the sweet relief. That's what I've learned today.

[Bald Brian]

I'd read that book.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

Should we take a question? We do want to try a little. What can Adam complain about? I think we tried this last time.

[Mike]

Let's see what happens.

[Bald Brian]

You jumped in, you looked at that piano like you might be able to play it.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that true?

[Mike]

No, no, no.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe.

[Mike]

Chop chopsticks, Right?

[Bald Brian]

Little something.

[Mike]

This was lying here by the way there's so much trust I have. I have no idea what's.

[Bald Brian]

That's your water. That's your water.

[Mike]

I just trusted that it wasn't terrible.

[Bald Brian]

I just rinsed my. And I didn't wash it. I just rinsed.

[Mike]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Bald Brian]

You know what?

[Mike]

I have another one of these also.

[Bald Brian]

Just a swizzle.

[Mike]

Just one more swizzle. Cock rinse.

[Bald Brian]

Once you step up to a little Mangria, I think.

[Mike]

Whose was in that?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, whose wasn't in that stuff? No, every. Hold on. He's getting up every single bottle of Mangria has Antonio Banderas dipped in it before it's cork. Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

It's true.

[Mike]

That's why it's. It smells so like, hand to God.

[Bald Brian]

Hand to God, Yeah. And he wasn't cheap.

[Mike]

No, it was not cheap.

[Bald Brian]

At every single bottle, as it leaves the line, before the cork goes in, the cock goes in.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's like a giant tequila one.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. But it comes.

[Mike]

But it comes right back. Because you don't want the whole thing. You just want a taste of Antonio Banderas, the essence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a weird perfume.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry, where were we? Stuff.

[Brian Posehn]

The world is full of it and one man can complain about it.

[Bald Brian]

All.

[Allison Rosen]

This is what can't Adam complain about.

[Bald Brian]

All right, we will go out to you, the audience. Yeah. Hand raise, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

There we go.

[Bald Brian]

Apple pie and ice cream. Apple pie. Oh, you added ice cream to the apple pie. Look at you. You baited me with apple pie and then you dumped the ice cream on there.

[Mike]

You.

[Bald Brian]

Because the difficulty level went fucking through the roof when you added the goddamn ice cream. You know what you're doing? All right? Apple pie with ice cream. Let me say this. Back me up here, people. When I used to be a carpenter and a boxing instructor and I was poor, I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted because all I did all day was either climb around on the roof of a house or teach white people that were really slow how to box. But either way, all I did was burn calories. And that in that situation, I had no money. I loved apple pie a la mode, but I really couldn't afford to go out and eat and eat nice meals. Now fucking food is free and I'm rich, but I'm getting fat, so I'm fucked because I got all the money I need. And there's a diner that's open 24 hours on every fucking corner. And the Trader Joe's down the street has all the apple pie and all the French vanilla ice cream. On the planet and I can't eat any more of it. And it's this weird thing where now you're walking around like I used to. If you want to talk about taco shells, I used to go to Henry's Tacos. We brought this up.

[Larry Gatlin]

Hey.

[Bald Brian]

They were going to close the place down until a bunch of really motivated stoners went, no, you don't usually hear.

[Larry Gatlin]

That, by the way.

[Bald Brian]

It's not like somebody wants to tear down the school for the retarded preschoolers. This place made tacos.

[Mike]

But wait, does black school t Tacos? Everything would go, yeah, but they put.

[Bald Brian]

The beef on the outside. It's fucking brutal, man. They have a learning disability. You understand? They'll make tacos like we know them. The point is this. You want to tear down the. The preschool for the retarded kids, no problemo. As long as you're gonna put up, like, a soft swirl, you know, ice cream place over there, a froyo place. But you want to tear down a taco place. It's been in the Valley for 41 years, and there's a bunch of guys chaining themselves to the bulldozer. It was insane. It really is one of those things where I would like to show other countries our problems by going, here's what we're protesting. Here's us taking back the night. There's a taco. And by the way, who makes fair to Midland tacos? Not even that great, let's be honest. Fucking rice, beans, beef, and a fucking tortilla. Like, how many different ways can you fuck that up?

[Teresa Strasser]

That'd be a great conversation.

[Brian Posehn]

Where.

[Teresa Strasser]

Where are the guns? Where are the military with the guns?

[Bald Brian]

You don't understand. This is fast food. We take it pretty seriously.

[Brian Posehn]

Where are the.

[Teresa Strasser]

Where are the villagers being oppressed?

[Bald Brian]

All right, so hold on. I know you don't have water that's drinkable. And I know there's some ethnic cleansing that's currently going on somewhere around here, although I've not seen any firsthand, but I just landed. The point is this. This is not slow food. This is not medium food. This is fast food at a fair price. You understand me?

[Teresa Strasser]

They are burning your religious idols.

[Bald Brian]

All right, you know what? They make a hell of a soft taco, and we got to take a stand. But the point is this. What was my point? Point is, now I walk around with a big fat wallet and a big fat gut, avoiding food that tastes good. I'm actually tortured. I used to go to that place. I used to order. I used to Go to that. Henry's tacos. I'd go up to the counter and I'd go to the window and I would ask the guy for the broken taco shells. He would give me the broken taco shells, and then I would get the. The taco sauce chips, and I would just dip them.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I'm doing.

[Mike]

Of course.

[Bald Brian]

You did that, too.

[Mike]

I know that. Yes, yes, yes.

[Brian Posehn]

Of course.

[Mike]

We used to do that. And there was. Oh, man, I forget if it was Krispy Kreme or something. The idea of taking something and the shards that were left over. I remember when I was coming up and taking classes at UCB in New York, I knew exactly what was on the Wendy's dollar menu and the McDonald's dollar menu. Because you learn how to eat dinner for $4 a night or $5 a night, right? So one of those tricks of going to a place and they have like, oh, yeah, you get free chips. I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah, right?

[Bald Brian]

You just show up and get the remnants of the broken. Maybe you're going to the Moyle's office.

[Mike]

Oh, that's what it is.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's right.

[Mike]

It's so weird. They're all gummy and they get bigger in my mouth.

[Bald Brian]

Where's the foreskins? Did you throw this? It's a Jew joke. Come on. All right, give me another one. What else do we got? Yes, A properly hung door.

[Mike]

Ooh, carpenter question. Carpenter question.

[Bald Brian]

All right, hold on a second. First off, I'll give you a quick tutorial. You hang a door using a jig, and you use a router, and you put a collar around the router and use a straight bit. And I like a carbide bit on there. And it's four inches for exterior hinges, and it's three and a half inches for interior hinges.

[Larry Gatlin]

Why aren't you wrong?

[Bald Brian]

You're riding this down. Because exterior doors are an inch and three quarters thick, and interior doors are an inch and three, eight thick, and they're all six, eight. This is amazing. You know, any guy who's six, seven and a half to six, nine, that's bad times. Like, if I ever talk to dude and I go, how tall are you? And he goes, six nine. I go, fuck. Because every doorway, you have to lower your head. That's right. You end up. You end up slumping over. I can tell you, I don't like to complain about the great city of Los Angeles very often, but here goes. For a second, I was rebuilding my first house up in the Hollywood Hills. And I had a dickhead inspector and I was tearing out an old bathroom downstairs and, like, replacing the door. And he came in and he said, now that you tore this thing out, which was the bathroom door, which was only like 28 inches wide, you now must replace it with a 32 inch door. And I could not fit this 32 inch door in. And the space. And by the way, 28, 30 inches is plenty of room for a door. Front doors are, by the way, traditionally 36 inches. And the rest of the interior doors are 32 inches. And the only reason they're 32 inches instead of the old house is like, you know when you go to old houses from the 20s and have doors that are pretty thin, like for the bathroom, Narrow for the bathroom. Well, the reason they're 32 inches is because all these fuckers in wheelchairs are destroying our way of life.

[Mike]

32 inches wide or height?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Why 32 inches wide? Because that's what it takes to get a wheelchair into the bathroom. They're so selfish. No, it's their rolling asses that caused the 32 inch wide door. But my house, my first house in Lake Hollywood, or I should say in Beechwood Canyon, had approximately. My assistant Jay is standing here. How many fucking stairs from the street to that bathroom on the first floor? 86. 122. I mean, literally, the reason. When I got married, I got married, I had the ceremony at that house, and it was just gonna be. Well, first off, I just wanted to be me. I didn't want Lynette there. You know what I mean?

[Larry Gatlin]

A really intimate situation.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I feel like. I get it. I can handle this. And then we'll just do yours at a later date and, you know.

[Mike]

Right, right.

[Bald Brian]

You know, I abide by it. I'm a man of my word. But my grandma.

[Larry Gatlin]

Take me.

[Bald Brian]

My grandmother. Yes, I do. And then I would compliment myself. I've never looked more ravishing in my life. Yes, I'm glowing. My grandmother was in a wheelchair, and my buddy Ray and my buddy Chris had to drag her up 80 stairs just to get her to the back fucking yard of the place. I mean, that lift her up is impossible.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So here's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is the inspector came in and the inspector said, now that you've pulled the door off of this old bathroom, you must now enlarge the door opening to 32 inches. And I said, why? And he said, because that's the code. And I said, why is that the code? Because I knew the fucking code. And he said, because it's a code. And I said, it's a code for wheelchair access. And how the hell can anybody in a wheelchair possibly get into this house? Because of the 85 stairs between the floor and this bathroom. And he said, do it anyway. And that's when I realized everyone who worked for the city of Los Angeles was a dick. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

None of you are heroes.

[Bald Brian]

None of you.

[Mike]

Does that essentially mean that if you. If you build your own house, you have to. About. You can't make door. You can't make, like, a series of Willy Wonka doors. You can't. You have to keep doors all the same or no, you can't do shit.

[Bald Brian]

If you want to build your own house. Are you fucking nuts? You can't do anything you want to do. You have a guy with a big fat mustache and, like, the salt and pepper in his forearms. Big forearms. Mario from Mario, he's going to come in here and he's going to tell you to put fire sprinklers in where you don't need fire sprinklers. And he's going to tell you why you can't do this and how you can't do that. He's going to give you a whole bunch of shit that's super fucking expensive that you don't need to do, and he'll tell you to do it, and you'll have to do it. And he's going to want soils inspections and impact inspections, like environmental impact reports and compaction reports. And it's all just cha ching, cha ching, cha ching, cha ching, cha ching, please. You guys attempt to build something in.

[Larry Gatlin]

Southern California, you can't even bribe them, right? Like, I feel like I've learned that from your stories.

[Bald Brian]

I don't. I don't. That's. That's his name, right? I don't even know. I don't even know how to bribe people anymore. I feel like you used to be able to bribe people. What the fuck has happened in our society where you can't bribe people? Like, people would tell me that back in the day, like. Like when they lived in New York and they'd get pulled over drunk on a bridge, and they just, like, you know, hand the guys. You hand them your license with a 20 rolled up at the bottom of it, and the guy says, have a safe night. You know what I mean? What the fuck happened with bribing people? Wouldn't you guys be cool with either being bribed or bribing people?

[Mike]

Like, yeah, I would Your audience goes nuts.

[Bald Brian]

Well, no.

[Mike]

Yeah, give us money.

[Bald Brian]

I would like to be bribed. Like, I would like a gay guy to hit on me. It's just flattering, you know what I mean? Like, even if I said no. Come on, fellas. Someone with their sucked.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean? I mean, I'm not into it, but why don't you ask who knows that no gay guy is ever, you know. You know, it's sad, like, when they go, yeah, you've had gay guys hit on you a lot, right? And I go, actually, no, they never do. What's wrong? What am I doing wrong here? You know what I mean?

[Mike]

You're not giving out the right vibe anymore.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not giving out the right vibe? Is there one gay guy I could bribe to hit on me out there? Nobody.

[Mike]

You get a lot of tweets soon.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You get a lot of tweets about. Gay guys are gonna want to hook up with you now. All sorts of gay guys. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think.

[Bald Brian]

Should you do it once just so you're not uptight?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah. To prove how straight you are.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you know.

[Mike]

Get your dick sucked by a guy just to prove how straight.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, and look him in the eyes just to show them that you're heterosexual.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

It's a completion.

[Mike]

I get it. I get what you're trying to say.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Mike]

Yeah. Like relaxing music on. Look him in the eyes. Tell him, this is amazing. I wish I was gay. Like, show that you're heterosexual.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then, like, complete in his mouth and say, this is the first time I feel real.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

That would make me so heterosexual.

[Bald Brian]

You do that move that Swayze did in Roadhouse when he was getting stitches with no anesthetic. When he drops a digit on you, you just. Just do a little wince, you know, but you don't crack. You know what I mean? Just that move. That move. That's just it, you know? He drops a dry digit on you, and you just go, pain don't hurt. You know what I mean? And you show them your gay medical records.

[Mike]

You know, Roadhouse Specific is amazing.

[Bald Brian]

Ah, see, here's a guy who's trained in improvisational comedy called Roadhouse Specific, which does sound like its own gay move. The Roadhouse Civic is amazing. Oh, yeah. Love it. If you're Greco, you're going to love the Roadhouse Specific.

[Mike]

It's amazing.

[Bald Brian]

No, here's what I want to say about the old gay move for a second. You know how when people call me racist, all the Time. And I'm like, what? I got a black friend. You know what I mean? And when it sounds so lame, you realize you're naming your one. You're naming David Allen Greer. How could I be racist? I know a black human being. You know what I mean? I tolerate one black human being. One black human being. Well, maybe one and a half. I don't know if some guy. Guys are mixed. But the point is, it's a. It's a lame excuse. You know, when they go, you are this. And then you go, how could I be that? I know one of those people. Yeah, it's a lame excuse.

[Mike]

Well, if you say one of those people, you're skewing racist.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. Those kind even there.

[Mike]

Let's try.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, One of the good ones. Whatever. No, no, no. You still.

[Mike]

Adam, you don't see what you're doing, right? You're still try one more time. Like you have. You have a black friend. You said instead you would say, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Lucius is a good. Is a dear friend of mine.

[Mike]

I mean, that's fine.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

So I'm saying when. Then I get accused of being homophobic and I go, oh, I got a gay friend. That's not enough.

[Larry Gatlin]

No.

[Bald Brian]

But I've sucked off a dude. They're proudly doing. Yeah, that's a conversation that works.

[Mike]

That works great.

[Bald Brian]

So maybe just one.

[Mike]

Let's go through it real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Suck off a black guy.

[Bald Brian]

Two birds with one bone. Oh, come on, baby. Come on. I looked at you like we're singing. Don't go breaking my heart. And you.

[Mike]

I didn't know. I didn't know. I apologize. Give me an alley oop one more time before the end of the night, and I will hit it.

[Bald Brian]

All right.

[Mike]

I will hit that.

[Larry Gatlin]

So you are going to go through it, though, right?

[Mike]

What is this we're going to find?

[Larry Gatlin]

You're asking him if he's homophobic?

[Mike]

Oh, here, you want to go? Well, we understand exactly what he's going to do, but if you want to handle that situation. So I hear that you're homophobic.

[Bald Brian]

What do you mean? I blew a black guy once.

[Mike]

I really respect you, and if there's like an Amazon link on your itunes or whatever, I'll donate money to you and your cause.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you need blow jobber. You're not.

[Mike]

You're not gay at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Not gay.

[Bald Brian]

But I'll suck a dude off any guy in your crew. How you guys doing?

[Mike]

There's six of us. They're all raising their hand, but they're feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's Go by height.

[Bald Brian]

Go.

[Mike]

Okay, you're obviously gonna go with this six, nine guy doorways.

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you what, let's go by girth, huh?

[Mike]

But, guys, he is serious.

[Brian Posehn]

He's got the girthiest dick straight.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Okay.

[Mike]

Who's got it?

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you somebody. I think Michael Naron. Didn't Michael Naron send me a picture? Didn't he. Didn't he draw something up about.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember my windbreaker idea?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you didn't see it?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, wow. Wow. I'm looking at. I'm looking at Mike Lynch. Mike Naron. We'll get. Okay. We'll get this up on the website. No, tell me that you guys would not go for this in a heartbeat. It's something I talked about on the podcast about a week ago. I was talking to Drew about it, and he liked it. And Narren sent Drew a picture and sent in with me and Drew. Okay, here's the dream that I had.

[Mike]

It's an actual dream that you had.

[Bald Brian]

I had this dream. Yeah. But to kind of qualify it, I was in my I'm gonna wake up in 20 minutes or half an hour kind of mode where you're, you know, it's that part of, like when you're under anesthesia and you're coming out of it, and you know you're coming out of it, but you still don't feel like opening your eyes. But you're not in rem. You're just sort of, you know, you're creative, Ben. Your mind wanders a little bit. All right, So I thought about this great, great idea. I thought. I pictured a slab of aluminum, just maybe about 3, 38 thick, you know, not too thick, with a hole in it and a graduated cylinder underneath it filled with water. And every guy in America would chub up as best he could. He'd get the most going he could, and he drop it into the graduated cylinder, and we'd see how much water was displaced. Okay. Okay. So this accounts for length and girth, and it's just volume. It's just pure volume of chode. It's volume of chode. That's all it is.

[Mike]

I got it.

[Bald Brian]

That's all it is.

[Mike]

I got it.

[Bald Brian]

And then we would issue windbreakers.

[Mike]

I can't keep going. I can't wait. Keep going.

[Bald Brian]

You got. Windbreaker would have a number now.

[Mike]

Your volume number.

[Bald Brian]

No, no, it's your ranking. It's better. It's better. So number one, I mean, the guy who displaced the most water. And this again, we would start at 18. I don't want to get. We're not weirdo. I'm not a weirdo. I'm not going to have some 15 year old in there. It starts at 18. It just goes all, all the way through a day after you die, basically. And, and the guy who's wearing the number one windbreaker, that's like the big Harley Davidson, Evel Knievel, you know, number, you know, Rainbow tape number one. Now there's, I don't know, over 18. Let's say there's 125, 130 million men in the United States. They're like over. We all have to wear the windbreaker.

[Mike]

24 hours a day for a full.

[Bald Brian]

Month, one month out of the year. And so here's the thing. If you could be well into the millions, I mean, your number could just keep going around.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's like your phone.

[Bald Brian]

We'd have to have pants as well.

[Brian Posehn]

Just.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, just going down. Just going down. Oh, yeah, we have. Yeah, we'll put it on our website. There's, there's the picture. But the point is, is somebody's gonna be number one and then somebody's gonna be 1,000,015 picture.

[Mike]

Right now. They're all looking at the picture.

[Bald Brian]

I would. Okay, here's what I would say. Just, just to not be confusing with the numbers.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

The guy who comes in last just has a huge zero and then everyone else just has the numbers. So again, anyone in the single digit club or in, even in the double digit club or in the teens or the twenties, that is huge.

[Mike]

24 million. That's huge.

[Bald Brian]

Literally. It's huge. And this guy's making the rounds on the talk shows. You know what I mean? I mean, this guy's just. This is bigger than a local celebrity, of course, this guy. And by the way, I mean, you could argue, well, George Clooney's a bigger celebrity, but not really.

[Larry Gatlin]

Well, not to find out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Certain.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not a bigger celebrity.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And then every year we have to anticipate it. Does he hang on to the windbreaker?

[Mike]

With number one, it's gonna, it's gonna change.

[Bald Brian]

Well, there's another, there's another guy turning 18. There's millions of guys turning 18 every year.

[Mike]

Just like the NBA draft.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's literally the NBA drafts.

[Bald Brian]

It literally is a lot of us. And when you're in the top 10, you get like special parking. You get the number on the hood of your car. You know what I mean? It's like diplomatic.

[Mike]

Your name turns into the number. Yo, what up, nine.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right. Certain club. You know, it's every. Every place. That's like you get into any airport lounge across America. You know what I mean? You know that.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know that someone is already famous. Will end up in the top 10 or 20 or something like, you know, Tim Duncan or Chris Weber or someone like that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. That's when it goes huge. That's when that guy. Yeah. Put two zeros behind. Is already huge celebrity at that point.

[Mike]

The best is, you know, like how back in the day you would pin. Like women would wear like high school jackets of.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Mike]

Doesn't have anymore. It'd be so hilarious if that was the women or the woman had to wear.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Mike]

It's like, oh, so you're a guy you're going out with. Is 1,200,000,000 the most embarrassing windbreaker in the world.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. And they're being.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's my boyfriend there.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. He eats a. He eats a good.

[Mike]

Listen. But I'll tell you that the cylinder was skewed.

[Bald Brian]

There was. There was like a nine mile an hour wind blowing out of the southwest.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

There'd be a good. You'd get a couple shots, by the way, at it. Like if you. You. If you. If there was a protest. If there's a situation where like, come on, someone threw some ice in that water three times.

[Mike]

You average it three times.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Do. There'd also be some weird one on there, like Pat Sajak, number seven. Holy man. Like, there'd be some crazy person in there.

[Mike]

Haley Joel Osmond.

[Bald Brian]

What the.

[Mike]

Did not see that, but I saw that.

[Bald Brian]

What is that? Nobody saw that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Also, Ben, to your point, being around 1 million is not a bad thing because.

[Mike]

I'm sorry, 24 million.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I said probably 120 million.

[Bald Brian]

One million would be great.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

No, 1 million. I mean, it doesn't sound like you should be bragging. I have the millionth largest in America, but you're in rarefied air. Rarit.

[Mike]

There's that funny guy of who gets 13, the unlucky 13, which is an amazing number.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Mike]

Volume, size, but also very bad. That's like the biggest, worst luck dick you've ever seen your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of 13.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Tell me how this sentence ends.

[Bald Brian]

We were. Well, I'll tell you what I'm saying. Where is the number? You guys can vote on this, because we're trying to figure out in the studio, And I think 13 is around where the number crosses the length. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, number one is not one inch. And number 22 is not 22 inches, but number 13 could be 13.

[Mike]

And I wonder if girth would be better than length in volume size.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

If you're looking for a displacement, you're looking for displacement. Correct, sir?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I think.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

All right. Anyway, let's get this done.

[Larry Gatlin]

We've been talking about this for far too long.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. I don't know what Obama was doing wasting that valuable mic time the other day up there on the. The steps of the Capitol or whatever, talking with about equality and whatnot when he could have.

[Larry Gatlin]

I know it's a depressing issue.

[Bald Brian]

It's a perfect time. I'm not saying spend the entire speech on it, but it would have been the perfect time to kickstart this whole movement. You know what I mean? Yeah. All right, should we do. What should we do? Should we do a little bit of news? How you feeling about that? Let me give a little live read, Ben, by the way, House of Lies Season 2 Sundays, 10pm on Showtime. Yep. Also, the website rejected jokes.com and the Twitter rejected jokes and Parks and Rec and. Well, not Parks and Rec. I should.

[Mike]

I still do it.

[Bald Brian]

All right, then. Parks and Rec. And a lot of people say, adam, what's it like to watch you do a live read? And I say, you know what? Sit back and enjoy the majesty of. Go to my PC. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can remotely connect to your office computer from home. Or as I always like to remind everyone, you can get to the home computer from the office. Because I feel like there's times when I'm out and about and I want to get on that home computer. Your Mac, your PC, your mobile device, anyone will work. And you can hook them all up to go to my PC. They got a special 45 day trial. That's right, a free trial. Only if use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMyPC.com Click on the Try it free button. And remember, enter the promo code Adam. All right, Allison Rosenberg. Little news, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Larry Gatlin]

No. No.

[Bald Brian]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Allison Rosen]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it Cut.

[Bald Brian]

It's Allison.

[Larry Gatlin]

No. No. Junior Seau's family is suing the NFL for wrongful death, for omission, for not talking about the brain injuries. Because they're saying the brain injuries are what led to suicide.

[Bald Brian]

Right. But how about the fact that he made $150 million from the NFL. And I'm not saying. Look, he probably wouldn't have been the next Bill Gates if he decided not to go turn pro his, you know, junior year over USC or whatever year he return. I mean, yes, he probably did suffer brain injuries from the NFL, but he also made him and his family wealthy from the NFL, which is more than you can say from. For coal miners who die on the job, basically. Well, his mom. I love Junior. Say off's mom. Do you know her?

[Mike]

I don't know her at all, no.

[Bald Brian]

You don't know Doris?

[Mike]

No.

[Bald Brian]

She's a dear woman, sincerely.

[Mike]

You know her?

[Bald Brian]

No, I don't know her, but all I know is she's the exact opposite of my mom. She was like, oh, Lord, take me, take me, take me. Like, she was like, where's the car? I'm jumping in the hole. Like, oh. Like she couldn't form a thought because she was so. I mean, imagine that was.

[Larry Gatlin]

I mean, what would your mom be like?

[Bald Brian]

She'd be like, oh, well, first it'd be news. He's. He's dead. I didn't. Oh, okay. I'm gonna make a health drink and I'm gonna digest this. Okay. Well, I'm sure he'll be missed by some who enjoyed his brand of humor. And it wasn't my cup of tea.

[Mike]

This is the eulogy, by the way.

[Brian Posehn]

This is her in front of everybody.

[Bald Brian]

Saying it was a bad person or a good one. I'm just saying it was a person. And you know, I'm. Like I said, I'm. I'm sure he had a couple of, few fans out there that are, you know, I mean, obviously everyone's replaceable. You know, there's nobody who can't be replaced. But I didn't get around to reading his first book or two. But you know what? I may just sit down. I mean, if I can find one in paperback, used on Amazon. Yeah, I think I might take a look at that. Anyway, I'm going to make a health direction drink.

[Larry Gatlin]

Stirring trip.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Stirring tribute. She was like, ah, Lord, Jake. You know, I mean, she was like, great beside herself. Yeah. There were like black women going, hey, cool it, baby. Like, reel it in. You're out of control. Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Did you see the video or hear the, the audio of Hillary Clinton testifying today about Benghazi?

[Bald Brian]

I just heard. I, I, all I heard was she got really pissed off when somebody, somebody questioned her a little bit.

[Mike]

What did someone question her about?

[Larry Gatlin]

Just about why they were saying that it had to do with protests over the YouTube video when, you know, the intelligence now is saying that it was Al Qaeda.

[Bald Brian]

By the way, this will turn into my favorite new topic, which is stupid or liar. This, we had no way of knowing, will turn into either you were lying about what you knew or you're fucking stupid. I hope it's lying, because lying means smart but deceiving, which everyone does.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, so she said. With all due respect, the fact that we had four dead. Sorry. With all due respect, the fact is we had four dead Americans. Was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk last night who decided to kill some Americans? What difference at this point does it make? It is our job to figure out what happened and do everything we can to prevent it from ever happening again.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it doesn't. What difference? Like. Like those planes that hit the Twin Towers, whether it was a navigation problem in the cockpit or terrorists took them.

[Adam Carolla]

Over and flew them intentionally.

[Bald Brian]

What's the difference? We have 3,000 dead people now. Move on.

[Larry Gatlin]

And she got.

[Bald Brian]

She got totally cunty because the guy started pushing her and going, why didn't you know? You could have called and talked to somebody and found out very quickly. And she went, we have four dead people. Okay?

[Larry Gatlin]

Which means she got kind of like. She got. Well, she teared up and got into.

[Bald Brian]

No, she got cunty first. When she did the. We got four dead people. You know, but it's that thing you do where you want the person to shut up and back off. You go, there's four dead people. You know, like, that's that sort of thing where. It's like when women call their house their home. When you come into my home, okay? That's when they want you to back off, even if you're right. You know what I mean? Yeah. So she brought up as if no one there in the. In the crowd knew there had been, what, four dead people? We thought one guy just bruised himself a little bit. I didn't.

[Larry Gatlin]

What are the circumstances under which we women should be pulling this when you come into my home thing? Because I'm thinking the apartment that I rent, I'm just like, yeah, whatever. Do whatever you want.

[Bald Brian]

When you replace house with home and kid with child, when you come into my home and threaten my child, you go, if you come into my house and threaten my kid, that's no big deal. A home, you know, you do like a double clutch on. You come into my home, you threaten my child. That's when. That's when you get off That's a plan.

[Mike]

I'd be afraid.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I do. I'll do that to the UPS guy. I'll do it to anybody. No reason. No reason.

[Adam Carolla]

No reason.

[Bald Brian]

He's like, I'm just dropping off beer in the month when you come in and you're brown. Not Nazi uniform. Your brown shirted uniform.

[Mike]

Oh, my God, my child is seeing this.

[Bald Brian]

My child. In front of my child with your. With your socks rolled over your Reeboks. You don't even need a hat.

[Mike]

It's not even sunny out.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Larry Gatlin]

You do not raise a flip flop to my child.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Larry Gatlin]

My home. And Panetta has lifted the ban on women in combat.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. They'll be back. So keep fighting women. Before you know it, you'll be fucking walking point and stepping on landmines. Well, I mean, this is the dumbest argument ever. Hey, we want to. My whole thing is. Yeah, go ahead.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, I know. I'm super. The right to die in combat myself.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

But what people are saying is that women are already in combat. Like the. There aren't really front lines positions anymore. So it's just the recognition for stuff they were already doing.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, yeah. But there's still better places to be.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah. Like, not in combat.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. But in the rear with the gear. Like standing wherever Geraldo is is better than the dude who's on his elbows who's trying to dismantle a bomb. Right, right.

[Larry Gatlin]

And it's in New York.

[Bald Brian]

You want to be, like, hiding behind Geraldo's nose. I want to be peeking through his mustache, making sure it's clear, you know, ducking my head back down under his mustache. Yeah. No bullets. That's right. I feel that guy's been in country like 185 times without so much as a piece of shrapnel going through. Like it's his heel. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You want to hang with Geraldo.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right, right. Wednesday, which is when. When we're doing this right now. National Pie Day. Adam.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What does National Pie Day mean for America?

[Larry Gatlin]

It means that I bring it up and Adam talks about pie because he loves it.

[Bald Brian]

Nice.

[Mike]

Here we go.

[Larry Gatlin]

Actually, some places had discounts on pie today.

[Mike]

That's what I was gonna ask if something fun happened. Is there like a pie parade?

[Larry Gatlin]

I wish.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

No, listen, I. There used to be a pie controversy. People used to like cake more than pie. And now we've turned the corner. People enjoy pie more. My work is done. It's basically what I'm saying with pie Like Mary Poppins. That's right. I was gonna open my umbrella and fly away with my shoes that lace up to mid. Mid shin for some reason.

[Larry Gatlin]

With your bag that has an umbrella. With a talking bag.

[Bald Brian]

What was going on in olden times when people had so much free time, they go, I'm gonna take 45 minutes to put these shoes on. Yeah, I know what was going on. It's not like they're playing hoops or.

[Larry Gatlin]

Anything really keep the soot off that much.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe it was the cobblestone. Maybe a lot of people were rolling ankles back then.

[Larry Gatlin]

But you think one person, one innovative cobbler would have thought we could just lop.

[Bald Brian]

But look how long it took for the taco shell guy. Right? You know what I mean? And this is much more complicated. Just saying women and men spent a lot of time lacing shoes. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

You can buy Velcro shoes.

[Bald Brian]

No, you can buy them now.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Not back in Mary Poppins days.

[Mike]

Correct. By the way, you know Mary Poppins wasn't a real person, right?

[Larry Gatlin]

What?

[Bald Brian]

Get the out of here. I just saw her. I saw a documentary she starring in.

[Mike]

No, this is going to blow your mind. Mary Poppins. There no human being can fly.

[Bald Brian]

I just saw a doc about her.

[Mike]

What was the name of the documentary?

[Bald Brian]

Mary Poppins.

[Mike]

I don't. I think it's behind.

[Larry Gatlin]

Behind the Umbrella.

[Mike]

That's a Disney film. No, what you're talking about scares the out of me. No.

[Bald Brian]

There was a guy who was a chimney. He looked like they jumped paintings. You know what he looked like? A young Dick Van Dyke.

[Mike]

No, this is a film.

[Bald Brian]

This is a dance. They had a horse race. The horses came to life and they were like. Came off the carousel.

[Mike]

Yeah, horses come off a car.

[Bald Brian]

That's why it was such a great dial to me.

[Larry Gatlin]

A window into a world he had not experienced.

[Mike]

I don't know how to.

[Bald Brian]

Thin blue line. Mary Poppins and King of Kong. Those are my top three.

[Mike]

King of Kong is an amazing film, by the way.

[Bald Brian]

That's what I'm saying. Not as good as Mary Poppins.

[Mike]

Well, it's because Mary Poppins is not a doctor.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? I've heard enough of your lies. Oh, and by the way, I don't.

[Mike]

Know how to prove myself.

[Bald Brian]

House of lies. Should we believe a damn one that comes out of this guy's rather. What?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, I guess we know if we're looking at stupid or liar.

[Bald Brian]

Seriously, people, he's on a show about liars, okay?

[Larry Gatlin]

And he's trying to tell. Yeah, okay.

[Bald Brian]

He Does a doc on Showtime. I've seen the show.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, it's a house where a bunch of people who lie live together.

[Bald Brian]

That's right, house like Big Brother. All right, next story.

[Larry Gatlin]

Well, this is an addendum to the pie store, which is Gawker. Around Thanksgiving did a story where someone asked, how come there's no orange pie? We have lemon pie. We have all sorts of fruit pies. I know. Orange pie. It's a question whose time has come?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

So then they did sort of some follow up reporting on it, and someone made an orange pie using a lemon meringue recipe, but they just did it with orange juice instead of lemon juice. People are now eating orange pie.

[Mike]

That's delicious.

[Teresa Strasser]

What about sweet potato pieces?

[Mike]

Not the color.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. I hope that was the tumor talking, Brian.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I have a tumor.

[Bald Brian]

See, this is what the tumor does. Get the tumor.

[Mike]

I'm sorry, buddy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you guys are talking about like.

[Bald Brian]

I know. Yeah, orange pie. I could get down with orange pie.

[Larry Gatlin]

I think I could get more down with orange pie than with oranges. I've talked about this before. I don't like. I feel like oranges are totally overrated. That's where people always go when I.

[Mike]

Say, yeah, I love tangerines.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I like tangerines because they're thin skinned. I mean, they can't take a joke. But they're easy to peel. Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

And they often don't have seeds. But oranges have that, like, yucky fuzzy.

[Mike]

There's more of a process, connective tissue.

[Larry Gatlin]

It's. Yeah, it's not. Well, here's down your face.

[Bald Brian]

Here's the thing about oranges. I mean, you don't really think about it, but by the time you're done clawing at the thing, every thing that you've ever touched is now on this orange.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, yes.

[Bald Brian]

At some point earlier that day, you took a shit and you touched a couple of door handles and you petted your dog and whatever. Do you feed whatever's touched your hands like the last two weeks is on that thing? I mean, you're. Because look, you can wash your hands, but you're not a surgeon. Like, you're not going at your cuticles and shit. You know what I'm saying? By the time you're done peeling the thing and then tearing the sections apart.

[Larry Gatlin]

You'Ve exfoliated yourself with the orange.

[Bald Brian]

There's all kind of God knows what's on that orange. And ironically, they want you to eat the orange so you won't get sick. Self satisfied. Sniff.

[Brian Posehn]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

Thank You.

[Larry Gatlin]

And speaking of food, two men in New Jersey are suing Subway. Okay, so there's a bit of a kerfuffle over the Subway footlong. Someone in Australia posted a photo on Subway's Facebook page with a foot long and a ruler, and it was only 11 inches.

[Bald Brian]

Ah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Who knows where. What kind of windbreaker it would weigh?

[Bald Brian]

How much water? Yeah. Would that thing displace?

[Larry Gatlin]

It would just soak it up like a tampon in the blue.

[Mike]

That's a whole different type of garment. You give a different windbreaker.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

How much can your dick soak up is a whole different thing.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, you'd have to be if you're really dehydrated going in.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

Yeah, I can see you having a really dehydrated cocktail.

[Bald Brian]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I just figured out a way to cheat the system. Let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Bald Brian]

I probably shouldn't say. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Larry Gatlin]

Piss into the cup.

[Bald Brian]

Train yourself to suck it in.

[Mike]

Yeah. Like, you're like.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean? I bet Sting can do it. I bet Sting can suck shit in through his cock. Oh, I'm sure you know what I mean. You have to blow stuff out of your ass to make ramen. You could suck stuff in.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I'm saying you put it.

[Bald Brian]

Into the graduated cylinder and you just. You.

[Mike]

You hear a slurping noise, and everybody's like, what?

[Bald Brian]

A little bit. A little bit spills out, but a lot goes back up.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And then you pull out. It's like just a little. Just a little teaspoon at the bottom. And you're like, that's right, fellas. And they're like, what the happened? And you're like, hey, what are you gonna do? So smart Joe, you check the side of the graduated cylinder and put a little Sharpie mark on it. That's your job. That's it. The rules.

[Mike]

Just like the rules of building a house, the rules are whatever the displacement of the water is afterwards.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. Put a mark by the side of the graduated cylinder, and then he takes.

[Larry Gatlin]

Out his dick and he squirts it. From getting sick, from sucking up dirt, someone else's dirty water.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hope they replace the water.

[Bald Brian]

Well, yeah, we get new water. We get new water. There's a whole sanctuary. And here's the thing, too, listen. There's something called a retrograde ejaculation. You guys know what that is? No. That is. That is. You ejaculate, but nothing comes out. It's A smokeless cigarette, as I. As I call it. It's a way, you know, does it.

[Larry Gatlin]

Come out later, or. There's just nothing. There was nothing.

[Bald Brian]

No. Yeah.

[Mike]

It's three days later. It comes out of your ear.

[Bald Brian]

I think eventually everything comes out. Yeah, it only comes out, but you have to laugh really hard.

[Mike]

I'm so embarrassed.

[Bald Brian]

I'm so embarrassed.

[Mike]

I'm so embarrassed.

[Bald Brian]

I'm so embarrassed. What is that? Oh, I don't.

[Mike]

Three days ago, I tried to jerk off and nothing came out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And now.

[Mike]

Now, like, out of my eyes.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah. It's what I tell all the ladies on the first date. And then they're like, why are you over my forehead? And I'm like, don't worry about it. Nothing's coming out. And I'm like, oops. First time for everything. Clean that up. Yeah, it's retrograding. You can also do it yourself.

[Larry Gatlin]

Do what yourself?

[Bald Brian]

You can retrograde yourself. Meaning, you know. All right, well, okay.

[Mike]

Oh, my God, he's taking off his pants for the podcast.

[Bald Brian]

Get your. Okay. All right. You. I. I don't. I never have done it, but I used to hear when we did Loveline, like, if you take your fingers and you kind of, like, shove it up in the right spot, it'll stop it. You know, the people who sneeze, but they stop sneezing. Like, it drives me nuts. Like those chicks that go. And you're like, oh, my ears hurt.

[Larry Gatlin]

My ears.

[Bald Brian]

My eardrums hurt. Yeah. Like, yeah.

[Mike]

I would rather you shoot me from Street Fighter.

[Bald Brian]

I would rather you shoot a snot rocket all over my fucking ambrosia salad than make that sound again. That it is because it hurt my ears. My ears popped. Yeah, yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

It sounds wrong.

[Teresa Strasser]

Even if that was physically impossible, the sucking up with your penis. You know how, like, guys, like, you know, put the gauges in their ears and progressively bigger ones to make the holes bigger. You could probably ream out your urethra and get a couple extra milliliters in there. That could be the difference between 50 million and 10 million.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, no, that could be a big difference in there.

[Mike]

And then you got way. Okay, I took it too far, I guess, right?

[Larry Gatlin]

No, you're right. More absorption.

[Mike]

More absorption.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

But no, you know what I think? You know, you see the guys who, like, there are the. Are the guys who can do the weird thing where they put, like, a cigarette under their eyelid and they blow it out of their nostrils and stuff. Like, there's a lot of shit that people can do. I mean, look, I've, you know, you've seen the people that are double jointed, and I feel like you could train a cock to suck up some water if you had to.

[Larry Gatlin]

I'm so jealous. All I'm like, I spend a lot of time teaching myself to raise my eyebrows separately and also teach you.

[Brian Posehn]

Can you do it?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, there you go.

[Larry Gatlin]

My left one's a little weaker, but. And then also I spent like pretty long time in college learning how to make myself burp because it killed me that I couldn't, but I'm never gonna be able to drink water out of my dick. Yeah, okay.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Well, again, just saying yeah is enough. We don't need to hear it.

[Bald Brian]

These are just ways to cheat the system. You know what I mean? And then next thing you know, we got a Lance Armstrong situation ourself. Like, you've been wearing that number one jacket for six years. A lot of kids looking up to you. Yeah.

[Mike]

Thanks, man. Thank you so much.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Thank you. Why, what's wrong?

[Bald Brian]

Turns out you were sucking.

[Mike]

Yeah, I knew this was gonna come up.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right. All the other guys on your team, sponsored by the post office.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why.

[Bald Brian]

All right, where were we?

[Larry Gatlin]

So two men are suing subway advertising.

[Mike]

11 inches.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right? Because so like 100,000 people weighed in on the Facebook page. Subway took down the post.

[Bald Brian]

But they're going to say a foot long is just the name of the thing.

[Larry Gatlin]

That is exactly what they say in the commercials.

[Mike]

They do measure it with 12 inches.

[Bald Brian]

Inches, right.

[Mike]

I used to go to Subway a lot also.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Hence that kind of took the wind out of the sails of the argument that it's just the way we're describing it.

[Bald Brian]

And then, but like, the quarter pounder isn't a quarter pound. That's a quarter pound before it's cooked.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. The pre cooking weight.

[Larry Gatlin]

Right. Well, they try and they tried to say that. They tried to say that it had to do with the toasting, but 17 out of 17 sandwiches that the people who looked into this bought came up short.

[Bald Brian]

Let me say this about Subway, okay? Subway's been around for a long time.

[Larry Gatlin]

This is how.

[Bald Brian]

All right, okay. Let me just say this, all right. How fucking stupid are we? The, the whole point to a sub sandwich is that really good sub joint on the corner that you know about where the guy makes great meatball and a great Italian sub, you know, which.

[Mike]

Doesn'T exist in la, by the way.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There's so hard to Find a really good place.

[Bald Brian]

There's, there's a couple places in the Valley, but it's really hard. And the idea of the mass produced Subway. And I feel the same way about pizza. Like what? First off, you know, Pizza Hut, Domino's, whatever, it ain't free. It's just fucking 9 bucks versus 11 bucks or 1250, you know what I mean? It's not, not free or even half price. It's like 20% more brightly lit. Yeah, like here we are at Amalfi, they have a brick oven downstairs that makes killer pizza. And it's 14 bucks or 16 bucks versus 11 bucks or 9 bucks. So don't you owe it to yourself and your fucking palate and your tongue to get something decent versus the mass produced piece of shit? And this place is a shitty subjoin. Like the fucking turkey is particle board. What? There's. They're gonna sponsor the show next week. I love me a Subway. No, but seriously that like part of their fucking turkey is made up of 500 different turkeys. It's fucking OSB oriented strand board. You've seen it. They use it for roofing sometimes. The point is this. Why not go to fucking ma and pa place on the corner and pay one more dollar per unit? Like literally for 65 cents you can get a real sandwich. What are we doing? Are we this stupid? The ones with the pillowcase of ground up lettuce. Oh, I love shredded lettuce, especially by the pillowcase. And I love a guy in the huge stupid oversized gloves. They don't even give him real latex gloves. They give them Ziplocs, baggies and they have to weigh everything. I don't want someone weighing, weighing my meat. I want to do the water displacement thing on the meat, but I don't want them weighing my meat. Support your fucking local Monpo sandwich places, people. How the fuck, how the fuck did these places become the biggest chains on the planet? Whether it's, whether it's Subway or Taco Bell. How the fuck do these places become so huge? There's a Mexican joint on every corner. There should be a sub joint on every corner. Prefabbed, weird, sterilized, shitty, chipboard turkey sandwich bullshit. What do you fucking people thinking?

[Larry Gatlin]

Haven't you made the point before that stupid people like consistency.

[Bald Brian]

Like consistency. I mean, they like consistency and repetition. They love the same fucking shit. They love, they eat. Well, I'll tell you what. What's your dog eat for dinner every night? Oh, it's rack of lamb one night and then he's in the mood for tie the following night? Or is it the exact same shit every single night? And looks forward to it just as much, if not more, than you look forward to your variety of dinner every night. Why? Because they're dogs. Stupid. Stupid people like repetition. They like hearing the same shitty Katy Perry lyrics over and over and over again. What is your kid like? Wait, hear it again. Hear it again. Play it again. Play it again. What are kids?

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid People.

[Bald Brian]

People.

[Mike]

You just said your kid was smarter than you were.

[Bald Brian]

Well, she's. She manipulates, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

She's more devious.

[Bald Brian]

She has a chance. Blacker heart than me. I have a pure soul.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a pure self.

[Mike]

Pure soul.

[Bald Brian]

Pure soul. Yeah.

[Brian Posehn]

God.

[Mike]

I got it.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I got it. That does sound like a radio station.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, it's 622.

[Bald Brian]

22. FDR. Yeah. So many back in pure soul coming back. We got.

[Mike]

The next three songs are just wind instruments.

[Bald Brian]

I got Diane. Yeah. No, not soul music.

[Mike]

Oh, wait, I was gonna say. And then Diana Ross.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, And Diana Ross. That's your name. Yeah.

[Mike]

I'm so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

That's okay.

[Larry Gatlin]

So it's wind instruments and Diana Ross.

[Mike]

I screwed it up. Sam Cooke. Wind instruments. Jackie Wilson. Wind instruments.

[Bald Brian]

Try Jackie Wilson.

[Mike]

I love Jackie Wilson.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No, I was off. I made a huge mistake. Wind instruments was wrong. I thought we're doing cool. 95 points.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Mike]

I didn't know we're doing soulful. 95.6.

[Bald Brian]

If you ever hear the flute, by the way. If you ever hear that. Brian, let's hear it again. And you look around and you're not Asian. You're about to get your ass kicked. So you just hear that. Just look around like. And you realize, oh, my God, there's an Asian guy. And then me, you know, who's gonna get their ass kicked? Not the Asian. Not the Asian guy.

[Mike]

You could be walking down the street with your Asian friend and you hear that and he looks at you and he goes, I'm so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

By law.

[Mike]

I'm so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Your orbital socket right now.

[Mike]

My God, we just had a nice meal, but I have to kill you now.

[Bald Brian]

I'm going to take your heart and.

[Mike]

Go, I'm so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the.

[Bald Brian]

It's the bylaws. Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, it stopped. It stopped. You're fine. You're safe. You're safe.

[Bald Brian]

No, no. But do you walk a few more paces and I am so sorry.

[Mike]

Yeah, I am so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, listen, Mitsuk, you know, you and I go way back. Yeah.

[Mike]

Listen, I know. I know, it'd be.

[Bald Brian]

Just be cool.

[Mike]

It's over.

[Bald Brian]

I just bought dinner.

[Brian Posehn]

You know, I get it.

[Mike]

We're good. It sounds off. Don't worry about it.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. But.

[Mike]

Okay, cool.

[Bald Brian]

I'm just scared if it pops up again.

[Mike]

It won't pop up. We're fine. Let's just go home.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, cool. All right, so we're going to the.

[Mike]

I have to rip off my shirt.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, listen. I don't feel like my shoes. No one needs to know. We're hearing the pamphlet.

[Mike]

I can hear a pamphlet.

[Bald Brian]

I'm so sorry, but you don't know what that is, cuz sometimes the wind just sort of goes through the canyon.

[Mike]

We're fine. We're fine, we're fine. Let's go home. Do you want to get a drink?

[Bald Brian]

I'd like to be by myself. Listen for a while.

[Mike]

Listen.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, no, you're good.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're fine.

[Bald Brian]

You're fine. So you want to go to the Arc Light? Yeah.

[Mike]

Dude, you want to go out? What do you want to see?

[Brian Posehn]

Oh, my God.

[Bald Brian]

Wow. Can I just call. Call my parents.

[Mike]

Let me put on this bandana instead.

[Bald Brian]

Of your cell phone. Oh, no. I just want to tell my wife I love her.

[Mike]

You're gonna have to die. You are very lucky today. You are a very lucky man. It's just a guy that has a terrible diaphragm playing this flute today.

[Brian Posehn]

Yeah.

[Mike]

He can't get through three bars.

[Bald Brian]

No. Okay. You're lucky. Yeah. Maybe I'll skip the Arc Light, though, because I just feel like, what?

[Mike]

Let's hang out. Let's be friends.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. We're eating.

[Mike]

You're like, we don't spend enough time.

[Bald Brian]

I know, but I'm scared I'm gonna hear that pan flute, like, fire up again.

[Mike]

You were eating and you said, when someone says I'm racist against Asians, you're my only friend that I could prove that I'm not racist.

[Bald Brian]

Mine then offer to suck your dick. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. By the way, you did.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Mike]

Look me in the eyes and said, see?

[Bald Brian]

Look at me. All right, you know what?

[Mike]

We're fine.

[Bald Brian]

I'd like to go home and just reflect on all that's happened tonight.

[Mike]

Well, let me give you a ride home. Let me give you a ride home.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? I.

[Mike]

You're gonna walk four miles to her house.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, but you know what? I want to work off dinner, you know? So you just go ahead.

[Mike]

Well, let me shake your hand. It was good to see you, man. I'm happy not to play.

[Bald Brian]

Take care.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Mike]

Man, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

[Bald Brian]

And scene.

[Mike]

And 10 more minutes.

[Bald Brian]

And 10 more minutes. Thank you, thank you, thank you guys.

[Mike]

That's a part of our two person show if you guys ever want to see.

[Bald Brian]

I'm back.

[Larry Gatlin]

What's it called?

[Mike]

It's just called Jews.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not, I, I'm. Well, I'm kind of a Jew now.

[Mike]

Oh, I can't wait for the end of this.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I'm not, I'm so sorry. I, you know, I take out Jewish.

[Mike]

Stars and kill you.

[Bald Brian]

That's why I want to walk home.

[Mike]

Make you eat hamentashin and kill your Jewish stars.

[Bald Brian]

I, I, I was Italian when I was working construction my whole life. And then I got into comedy and then everyone went, well, you're Jewish, so you understand.

[Mike]

I thought you were.

[Bald Brian]

Well, cuz I'm in comedy. If I was at your house putting a roof on it, you wouldn't be like your hair. I do have crazy Jew hair.

[Mike]

Your voice.

[Bald Brian]

Sicilian hair too.

[Mike]

You know, I've gotten conf, well outside of my nose, I've gotten confused for being Italian.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Or when I went to a different country, Spanish people thought I was Spanish.

[Bald Brian]

Jews are just smart Italians with shitty noses. I've said it all. I've said it the whole, I've always said it. I mean, everyone knows it, but it bears repeat.

[Mike]

This is gonna be your next book.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that'll be the name of the next book.

[Mike]

It's a pop up book.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. All right, let's bring it home. Let's do one more story. Okay.

[Larry Gatlin]

Lindsay Lohan turned down an offer to do Dancing with the Stars. An offer of $550,000.

[Bald Brian]

Whoa. For the season. What?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah. They pay them. They pay you.

[Bald Brian]

I, you know what?

[Mike]

A bunch of money I bet, right?

[Bald Brian]

I did it. And, and you know what, people? Honestly, I know it sounds stupid, but I didn't, I never asked how much money I was getting paid or what it, what it was.

[Larry Gatlin]

Because that does sound stupid.

[Bald Brian]

Does it sound stupid?

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

To me it was like one of these things where either you do it or you don't. I was making a bunch of money at the time doing syndicated radio. And so it was like, do I feel like doing this or don't I feel like doing this? But it was, it wasn't about the money. Although I did find out at some point, right. Because I never, I never asked and I never got any checks. They just send them to the.

[Mike]

Did you get paid zero dollars?

[Bald Brian]

No, I did not get paid zero dollars, No. I, I'm not, you know, I'm not a Jew, but I'm not stupid either. I. Here's what, here's what happens. Honestly. You get a guy in your life, James Baby Doll Dixon, he makes deals, the shit goes through him and then the checks get sent to the accountant and before you know it, you're just kind of out of the loop. So I really didn't know how much was when and when and all that. And I really didn't know and I didn't care because it was just sort of a weird goof for me because I was making a bunch of money doing syndicated radio. So I was like, well the, this is a fun little hobby and I get to rub up against Julianne Hough and all that kind of stuff. And I did find out that I got knocked out in like week four. And at some point years later, I found out if you make it to week five, you get another 150 grand or something like that. And that did, that did kind of piss me off a little bit, like, because they do, they, they incrementally bump you. Because if they're just going to pay all up front and they're going to pay everyone the same, then you're just going to go up there and pretend.

[Mike]

You know, just drop it.

[Bald Brian]

After I'd go out the first dance and throw myself down the stairs. Just literally, just by the way, of course, like in Pepe on, when he's walking down the gang plank, he just, on Devil's Eye, he just threw himself down the stairs.

[Larry Gatlin]

If you had known, would you have danced differently?

[Bald Brian]

I would have. Well, first off, as you know, the only time I feel like I'm alive is when I'm dancing that much.

[Larry Gatlin]

That or we can see that.

[Bald Brian]

Right, right, right. In your moves. Honestly, if somebody would have said, look, if you can pull this shit off, you'll get another 150 grand before you get knocked out the following week. I wouldn't have put the cap at an hour and 45 minutes of practice time every day. I probably was, I was doing morning radio, right? So I was getting up at 4:45 in the morning, doing a bunch of radio, finishing up at 11 or noon or whatever and then going to rehearse dancing. And I was pretty fucking tired by that point. And Julianne Huff was like emotionally sort of checked out at that point.

[Larry Gatlin]

Oh, unavailable.

[Bald Brian]

Like she was. She was thinking about doing Footloose too. And kind of like she was, she'd moved on. Even though, you know, contractually she had to Be there. She was. She was moving on.

[Larry Gatlin]

She no longer saw herself in the mirror ball.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. That's right. Very good point. So we both want to get. So I'd say to her, like, look, we'll go as far as we can go for two hours at a time, but we're not going to practice for nine hours like you and Elio or whoever you won with. And she'd be like, oh, that's cool, because she wanted to go too. So that was that. But if someone had told me there's an extra 150 or like 225 or something, it was like a big chunk of change I would have, for at least that week, put in a couple extra hours every day.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yes, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosenzip. It cunts.

[Bald Brian]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. I. I had a nice time explaining to her that she had won, like, the last two times with, like, Aunt Apollo Ono and Elio Castro Neves. I don't know why she couldn't fucking dance with a guy named Mike. So I couldn't have to, you know, run all these weird names too. I think she won two times. And she's like. I was like, how long did you guys practice? And she's like, well, at the end, we're doing like 13 hour days. I mean, this is dance practice for 13 hours days. And she's like, But a lot of the time, we would just sit and talk. And I was like, yeah, let me explain that part.

[Mike]

How much of your two hours did you guys talk?

[Bald Brian]

We didn't do any talking. Like, I was like, let's do two hours to get the fuck out of here. Like, you're really hot. Like, don't. Do not get me wrong. You're smoking hot. But I'm not one of these fucking guys that you guys be. Be a little more realistic with your cock and balls here, which is like, are you going to fuck her or not? Because if you are gonna fuck her, by all means start feeding her wine coolers and see, you know. You know. Hey, I got a custom van in the parking lot.

[Mike]

Custom van?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I got. Got shag for a headliner. You want to check?

[Mike]

See that van, please?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we'll have another. You know what?

[Allison Rosen]

Have enough.

[Mike]

Sorry, there's nothing in this drink.

[Bald Brian]

Have another Bartles and James, and let's just see where it goes.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

It's almost noon. Yeah, Come on out.

[Mike]

Where are the windows in this van?

[Bald Brian]

No, they're weird little bubbles or smoke, but you can See out, but you can't see it.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. That's so cool.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

So I'm like a caged animal.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know what a zip tie feels like? No, I'm all.

[Mike]

Want to know.

[Bald Brian]

It's fun. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. What's my name? What's my name?

[Mike]

What's.

[Bald Brian]

You know. That's good. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Mike]

This is good.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it's good. Yeah. No.

[Mike]

Good night.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. You know what? No one needs to know about anything ever, really.

[Mike]

If you think about saying Twitter and.

[Bald Brian]

Facebook, everyone's always like, we need to know stuff. But really, what's the point? What's the point of them needing to know?

[Mike]

If you want to know stuff, sweetie.

[Bald Brian]

Go ahead and finish that wine cooler, huh? I got a peach wine cooler in.

[Adam Carolla]

The van if you want.

[Mike]

You know what's so funny? I love peach. The beach and I love wine. So maybe we put them together. You know what?

[Bald Brian]

Let's do that. You know what? Let's go out to the desert. Have you seen the sunset? I love breaking, but in the desert. All right, then let's go the desert. Let's watch the sun go down.

[Mike]

I feel like we talk about it, but we never do it.

[Bald Brian]

You know what? Have you ever done a butt chug of a Bartles and James wine cooler?

[Mike]

This is gonna sound weird, but no.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, well, you know what? Yeah. We are gonna burst that behind when we get in that van.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

And scene. Thank you. Now. No, I love when you say thank you after it. Thank you. After every joke you say, so. No, here's.

[Mike]

She was 25.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you so much. Here's what I'm saying. Here's what guys do. Here's the problem with guys. One of multiple problems with guys. I have a super pragmatic cock and balls, which is either we're gonna try to fuck or we're not. And if we're not, we're not. And I'm married. I just had twins. You're 19. We're not. This is not gonna happen. This is not gonna happen. You're the Most beautiful blonde 19 year old on the planet. And you can take your knee and put it in your mouth while you're standing on a rollerblade, but that visual is amazing. To see what happens. She would roll for a mile and a half. That's right. And if she ever hit the window, she'd stick. Okay? But the point is this. All right, all right. Why don't you say thank you after that? Thank you.

[Mike]

Thank you, Adam.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Mike]

Thank You, Adam.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you, Adam. I mean, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Mike]

Thank you so much.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you. But if you're not gonna fuck, know it. And don't hang out and make fucking scenes. What guys do is they go, well, we're not gonna fuck, but I still want to sit around and talk about Twizzlers and bullshit for two hours because she's so hot. That's not doing anyone any good. There's no practical application. So I was like, you're the hottest chick on the planet, but I'm not cheating on my wife or my family. So we'll keep it to an hour and 45 minutes. I'll get the fuck out of here. The other guys were like, I'm not cheating either, but I still want to hang out and talk for two hours because their cock and balls were confused. You guys know what I'm talking about. You'll talk to the fucking hot chick forever. You're not fucking her. You'll just talk forever. Okay? I'm saying either fucking make a move or shut the fuck up and go home. Beat off. I mean, just go and be with your family. Yeah. Not thinking of her. Right. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Ben Schwartz, everybody. I got a couple of. Couple of pieces. Oh, business. I'm going to be. When we go out to Boston, everyone's like, what are we gonna do with the Mangria when we get to Boston? I'm gonna be out in Boston. We're gonna do a little Mangria tasting at Cappy's Liquor in medford. Yeah, baby. 3 to 5pm That'll be this Saturday. And by as far as Detroit goes, the Royal Oak theater has about 75 tickets left, so we should hop on that if you're planning on coming out and seeing me over there. Also, I should tell everyone that. Ben, again. Again, House of Lies.

[Mike]

Guys, Don Cheadle just won a Golden Globe for acting in this thing.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's. That's affirmative action, though. We all know.

[Mike]

Oh, he's amazing in it.

[Bald Brian]

He's fair to me. No, I, I, I'm a huge. I'm a Cheetle fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Except.

[Bald Brian]

I, I, I, I. I loved him in Boogie Nights.

[Mike]

I think he's amazing.

[Bald Brian]

I didn't need the Cockney accent and Ocean's Eleven. I loved it. I did not need that.

[Mike]

I love him. He's amaz. But don't tell me you guys get a chance.

[Bald Brian]

Is he a good guy?

[Mike]

He's unbelievable. He's he's been wonderful to us, really. And he is so good at what.

[Bald Brian]

He does because normally they don't like the juice, but he's been good. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, Sunday nights, 10pm on Showtime and Rejected Jokes.com is Ben's website as well as Twitter. And what else do you need to know? Parks and Rec and Ah. Go Daddy, baby. Go daddy. By the way, their December deal was so good that they're carrying it over in to November. Oh, no. Went the wrong direction.

[Mike]

11 months.

[Bald Brian]

No, no, I went backwards. I fucked that up. That was me, that one. No, no, I went the other. I went wrong. I slipped back a month.

[Mike]

I should have put forward.

[Bald Brian]

Their December deal has gone so well, they're carrying it forward in two. March.

[Mike]

No, let's take it from the top.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you know, let's try it again from the top. Go Daddy's deal in December, subway sandwiches went so well that they're going ahead another month. January. Whoa. 2015.

[Larry Gatlin]

Oh, so close.

[Bald Brian]

I should have just stopped in January, by the way. They're going right into January. You get up to three domain names for just 295. And if, if you need a fourth, like your domain name hoarder, like they're going to do one of those TV shows about you. 7.99 after that, but really, that'd be compelling.com.net.

[Mike]

Biz. How many more? What are there?

[Bald Brian]

There's a dot org, but I think you can't be turning a profit on that one. Each one comes with a free one page, instant website, personalized email, and built in photo album. But I think you have to add the pictures. It'd be weird if they came with pictures.

[Mike]

Just your personal pictures.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Like your arm around some chick that you never met. Yeah.

[Larry Gatlin]

Pictures of you from the future.

[Bald Brian]

Freaky.

[Larry Gatlin]

Yeah, from January though, Like a very, very soon future.

[Bald Brian]

And all sad ones. Like you walking along a beach with a metal detector in your 70s in bad sandals and it's just the logo from GoDaddy smiling. Yeah.

[Mike]

You standing over Danica Patrick goes, I'm sorry, sorry. Yeah, she's the spokesperson for GoDaddy.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[Mike]

Thank you, guys.

[Bald Brian]

Just enter the promo code Adam295 in your cart to get the [e-mail] that's Adam, the number two, the number nine, and the number five. Go Daddy. All right, so until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Ben Schwartz, Allison Rosen, and bald Brian saying my hollow. All right, that is it for today's. Coral Classics. Hope you enjoyed all the clips. Until next time, Hollow and Get It On.