Bryan Cranston + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Bryan Cranston + Greg Fitzsimmons

Date: April 17, 2026
Host: Adam Carolla (with Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, & guests Greg Fitzsimmons, Bryan Cranston, Josh Gardner)
Sections included: The best bits from episodes #762 (2012, featuring Greg Fitzsimmons & Josh Gardner) and #772 (2012, featuring Bryan Cranston).
All timestamps below are from the beginning of the episode audio unless otherwise specified.

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode is a highlight reel featuring some of the most memorable moments from the Adam Carolla Show’s deep archive. Superfan Giovanni introduces segments from early-2010s episodes, including comic/writer Greg Fitzsimmons, the ever-versatile Bryan Cranston, and Adam Carolla regulars like Josh Gardner (a.k.a. “Def Frat Guy”). The show is packed with trademark Carolla rants, absurdist humor, deep dives into show business, bits on family dysfunction, and candid discussions on everything from cookies to celebrity culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Writers’ Room Antics & Man Show Memories

[02:00 – 05:30]

• Adam and Josh Gardner reminisce about early Man Show writers’ room days.
  • Gardner: "It’s been a long time since I darkened this doorway.” [02:14]
  • Carolla: “Josh was more mascot than writer…every three weeks, he’d pitch a bit about hockey goons that’d piss off Jimmy.”
• Discussion of bits Gardner contributed (e.g., Trapped in a Well, Salute to Advertising Mascots).
• Frequent poking fun at Josh’s lack of productivity, to everyone’s amusement.
• Adam: “He used to injure himself playing hockey on the weekend and say he couldn’t come in Monday. Had to wear the neck brace in.” [03:55]

2. Southern California Jewish Center Jingle Bit

[05:35 – 09:00]

• Adam drags up a hilariously kitschy radio jingle for the “Southern California Jewish Center” and riffs on its tax deduction-centric pitch:
  • Carolla: “Never heard the deduction part worked quite as many times as I have here. This is a very ugly stereotype.” [08:14]
  • Allison Rosen and crew riff on “donate your boat, real estate, RV”—with Gardner and others singing along the jingle with satirical lines.
• Adam's comedic dissection: “The Jews, they set the bar pretty high in the ask department...” [06:46]

3. Family Dysfunction & ‘Sentimental’ Photos

[10:24 – 15:55]

• Adam reads the clinical, unsentimental captions his grandmother wrote on childhood photos:
  • Carolla (reading): “A freestanding Swedish fireplace behind the kids. It’s an architectural description in case one of the grandkids is blocking the fireplace when future generations see these pictures.” [12:13]
• Everyone riffs on the bizarrely dispassionate notes—Allison: “Too bad she couldn’t get you guys out of the photo.” [12:41]
• The gang reflects on intergenerational dysfunction, with Adam making peace (and some dark jokes) about his family’s emotional distance.

4. Musical Comedy & Live Performances

[19:42 – 24:35]

• Josh Gardner plays his new song, “I Love Regina (Saskatchewan)”—a comedic ode to the Canadian city, laced with innuendo and wordplay.
  • Gardner: “But only Regina can make me beg and moan / like a magnet to Regina I am drawn. I love Regina, Saskatchewan.” [23:06]
• The song evokes laughter and singalongs from everyone.
• Greg Fitzsimmons joins, Adam hypes the musical talent: “Mr. Stinkfinger is still available on iTunes. I recommend it highly.” [20:25]

5. Stand-up Comedy & Celebrity Culture

[37:04 – 46:28]

• Greg Fitzsimmons discusses attending Lakers games and the “performance” of sitting courtside in LA:
  • Fitzsimmons: “They pay that money … just to say, ‘I'm a front row guy.’ They are selling themselves—‘I'm one of the 20 most important people in LA right now.’” [41:00]
• Adam and Greg riff on celebrity self-promotion and lingering shame/reluctance around self-branding—contrasting themselves with more brazen celebrities.

6. Who Writes the Jokes/Music?

[46:28 – 50:06]

• Debate about authenticity and performance in comedy and music:
  • Adam: “No one really knows who is funny and who isn’t…not even within the business.” [45:55]
  • Fitzsimmons: “The gift is really being able to deliver what you put in their mouth a couple hours earlier.” [46:36]
• Discussing artists like Letterman vs. Leno, Adele vs. Elton John, and the importance of writing (vs. performing) your own material.

7. Topical News & Outrage Culture

[51:47 – 61:04]

• Discussion of a teacher sex abuse scandal and media coverage, with the comic panel riffing on the grotesque details and the line between broadcast content and too much information.
• Adam on outrage: “Are we really that offended by it [Rush Limbaugh calling Sandra Fluke a ‘slut’], or is it just an opportunity?” [120:38]
• Allison: “It was over three days and it began to get into pretty creepy, weird territory…” [119:28]

8. Bryan Cranston Interview (Ep. 772 Highlights)

[124:28 – 130:26]

• Cranston talks about John Carter, his career, and the reality of being typecast as “a nice guy.”
  • Cranston: “I’m just riding a wave…at some point, I’ll wipe out, hit the beach, and determine if I can still paddle out.” [126:26]
• Adam probes Cranston on actors’ ability to pick good scripts and how Breaking Bad opened doors for theatrical work.
• Cranston: “If you can get good at identifying well-written material, you are on your way.” [128:34]

9. Made Up Movie Games

[145:18 – 154:18]

• The panel invents ridiculous movie premises riffing off random titles:
  • Cranston pitches “Speed Dial,” about a guy who gains superpowers from amphetamines hidden in moldy Dial soap.
  • Adam’s “Weekend Warrior” imagining Mark Wahlberg as a beer-league long snapper who’s called to the Super Bowl and blackmailed by the mob.

10. Life, Death & Celebrity Funerals

[167:18 – 171:47]

• Contrast between Black and White funeral traditions:
  • Adam: “When Whitney Houston dies, if you got any black in you, you have to go to the funeral…When the Golden Girls died, the rest didn’t even go down the hill…” [167:18]
  • Debate about the surviving Monkees not going to Davy Jones’ funeral, and what cultural expectations about remembrance say about us.

11. Death, Suicides, and Society’s Reaction

[173:52 – 177:51]

• Adam rants: “If you’re gonna kill yourself, just kill yourself. Don’t take out others and then kill yourself.” [173:23]
• Adam and Cranston discuss odd cultural notes like how being attractive seems to amplify the supposed tragedy of a death.
  • Cranston: “Ever notice the comment, ‘Oh, and she was so good looking.’ As if there’s more of a loss…” [176:16]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your gift of hope is a great deduction. I’ve never heard the deduction part worked quite as many times as I’ve heard here.” — Adam Carolla [08:14]
• “Ball. Bryan. Good day. Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla.” — Panel, parodying their own intros [02:04]
• (On homemade lasagna) “I have not had it in 15 years. Only the shitty Stouffer’s variety.” — Adam Carolla [88:56]
• “They pay that money in the same way that Budweiser buys a Super Bowl commercial…saying, 'I'm one of the 20 most important people in LA.'” — Greg Fitzsimmons [41:00]
• “If you can get good at identifying well-written material, you are on your way.” — Bryan Cranston [128:34]
• “If you’re going to go through all that effort, just use a bigger pan.” — Greg Fitzsimmons, on lasagna and efficiency [92:18]
• “Are we really that offended by it, or is it just an opportunity?” — Adam Carolla [120:38]

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Additional Segment Timestamps

• Man Show & Writers’ Room Memories: [02:00–05:30]
• Jewish Center Jingle (+ Musical bits): [05:35–09:00], [19:50–24:31]
• Greg Fitzsimmons basketball/courtside riff: [37:04–46:28]
• Debate: Performers vs. Creators (Music/Comedy): [46:28–50:06]
• Bryan Cranston on Breaking Bad & acting: [124:28–130:26]
• “Made Up Movie” improv game: [145:18–154:18]
• Death, funerals, and how society responds: [167:18–171:47], [173:52–177:51]

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Tone & Language

• Signature Carolla: Blunt, irreverent, sharp observational humor, and self-deprecating storytelling.
• Dynamic Banter: Panelists riff off one another, often taking jokes to absurd extremes.
• Candid & Unfiltered: Taboo topics handled with comedic flourish—explicit language and adult themes are frequent.

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In Short

This Carolla Classics episode is a master class in quick wit, comic deconstruction, and no-holds-barred conversation about everything from family dysfunction to celebrity self-promotion. Highlights include hilarious musical parody, deep dives into the mechanics of TV/comedy writing, a quintessential Cranston interview, and plenty of Adam’s legendary rants about everything from lasagna to the pitfalls of modern celebrity funeral etiquette.

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For further details, refer to segment timestamps above for your favorite bit or quote.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Having the right people in your corner for life's biggest milestones makes all the difference. Like a friend who's there when you're house hunting or checking out a new ride, State Farm is there too, helping you choose the coverage you need. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help you along the way. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help choosing a plan that fits your needs so you can continue celebrating all of life's milestones. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla Show. To obtain the full archive of the Adam Carolla show, please check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com there you'll find the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast Beat It Out. And if you'd like to request the clip, please email us classicsamcorla.com we do get an overwhelming amount of requests for clips from Loveline or the KLSX Adam Carolla show that ran from 2006 to 2009 for 715 episodes that immediately preceded this podcast. While we're not able to play those clips, if you would like to find more information on Loveline or the Kayla Adam Carolla show and the effort to save that lost media, Please check out patreon.com Giovanni There you'll find the most up to date information on the efforts to recover these shows and share them online. Now on to the clips coming up. First day we have Adam Curlis show 762 with Greg Fitzsimmons, Josh Gardner, DFG, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. Josh Gardner plays the character Def Frat Guy, one of the original characters of the KLSX morning show from 2006. Something from a writer's room from the Man Show. Throughout the years, Adam had Josh Gardner do this bit. He played a deaf frat guy. He also released several albums. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Ball. Bryan Good day. Allison Rosen hello Adam Carolla well, Josh Gardner, Good to see you. Good day, Ace.

[Josh Gardner]

Man, it's been a long time since I darkened this doorway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a lot of guts showing your face around here. A lot of guts. And I respect that. Okay, Josh was Last time Josh got his acoustic guitar out, he was in front of 1200 people 1150 people.

[Josh Gardner]

2500.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Josh Gardner]

SRO.

[Adam Carolla]

Standing room only. Boston House of Blues opening up for me with three smash songs. And they went bananas for Josh. And actually one of the songs I had not not heard before. Now, I know you're not the deaf frat guy, but you do a pretty good impersonation of the deaf frat guy.

[Josh Gardner]

I tried to do that. Then you guys got. You guys turned on me. I was having a.

[Adam Carolla]

You're such a passive aggressive dick. I told you sing three songs, get the fuck off stage. You had them right where you wanted them, and then you had to start doing your bullshit. But the point is this. There's great love. Josh was one of the original writers for the man show. I'm not sure what he was responsible for. He used to pitch.

[Josh Gardner]

He used to pitch alien cold open.

[Adam Carolla]

He used to pitch scenes. I used to. It never aired. He used to. Josh.

[Brian Bishop]

Some people do, yes. And Josh does neither. Nor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Josh was more mascot than. Actually, I talked to Jimmy. As it turns out, you owe us each $287,000. And that's if you're well deduct the

[Allison Rosen]

amount of the potato keychain he gave you.

[Adam Carolla]

Josh was more mascot than he was actual writer on the man show, but about once every three weeks, he would pitch a bit based on hockey goons. That used to infuriate Jimmy because Jimmy's like, fucking, I'm tired. No one wants to hear any more about hockey. Then Josh used to injure himself playing hockey on the weekends and then say, couldn't come in Monday. And then Daniel forced you to come in wearing a. But you had to wear a neck. Neck brace, right?

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah. Cervical collar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Cervical. All right.

[Josh Gardner]

Wasn't a halo, though.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to do your impersonation of the deaf frat guy talking about cleaning up pumpkins. Because this is what we used to do. We'd all sit in the writers room. We'd send Josh out to the end of the hallway, shut the door, and then 13 guys would just sit in the room and we'd have you run in and do this. Out of breath. Out of breath. Blake Chambers and the Teagues are going to do a dance on our faces

[Josh Gardner]

if we don't clean up those pumpkins.

[Adam Carolla]

Blake Chambers gonna do a dance on his face.

[Josh Gardner]

There's some incident with pumpkins.

[Adam Carolla]

There's always something with pumpkins. Now which were your bits on the man show? Just cause this would be amusing.

[Josh Gardner]

Salute to advertising mascots.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Yeah, that's probably why you got bringing in Mr. Peanut. Yep, that Was genius.

[Josh Gardner]

The Rosie trapped in a well.

[Adam Carolla]

That was your idea, too. Another good one. That's four seasons on the mainstream. I somehow got.

[Josh Gardner]

I got at a certain point they.

[Adam Carolla]

So you've got a quarter bit a season now going.

[Josh Gardner]

There were so many. You can't remember.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see.

[Josh Gardner]

I somehow got into. I became the like official supervisor for the trampoline thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Aha. That's a good gig. Going to Elysian park and watching hot chicks on the trampoline.

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah, it was a.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, hey.

[Josh Gardner]

It was a great gig.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Josh brought his guitar. Speaking of songs, I promised you guys my Southern California Jewish center song, right? Yes, we're able. We couldn't find it online. It's going to set your people back couple hundred years, Allison. Be prepared. I. We got it from Dennis.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the good old days.

[Adam Carolla]

Dennis Prager's producer. And I'll be on stage at Redondo beach at the Performing Arts center with Dennis Prager doing a sit down. A quite thoughtful sit down.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll sing along.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'll be a meaning of life sort of sit down. The first show is about gone and the second show added Saturday night. So you can check that out. Dennis. Just a fantastic mind. And we couldn't be further apart on many topics, but we are simpatico on others. I will bring you. I will play you now. We found the old jingle. This is an actual jingle for the Southern California Jewish Center. You hear a lot about stuff about the Negro College Fund. Is that what they call it?

[Allison Rosen]

United Negro College Fund.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, United Negro College Fund. And a lot of stuff about. For 39 cents a day, you can keep a family fed in El Salvador for a lot of just for pennies a day for price of that cup of coffee you're drinking back before coffee

[Allison Rosen]

was $4 a cup.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You can build a hospital in San Salvador. But I'll play the full commercial because you see, the Jews, they set the bar pretty high in the ask department. Let's listen, folks, here's a great way

[Brian Cranston]

to reduce your taxes. Donate your old car, rv, boat or real estate to the Southern California Jewish center and you'll get a no hassle valuable tax credit that actually helps others in need. Donate your car, real estate, RV, jewelry today by calling 1-800-936-HOPE. That's 1-800-936-Hope. Donate today. And you'll also receive a free vacation voucher for two days, three nights in a hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

It's easy.

[Brian Cranston]

Donate. Get a free vacation. Take the tax credit. This is a great way to donate, you give, they give. Call today. 1-800-936-HOPE. 1-800-936, hop. Help children and families in need. Donate your car, real estate, rv, boat or jewelry. And get the highest possible tax credit

[Adam Carolla]

card plus the vacation tax credit. Five times now 36 hope.

[Brian Cranston]

800-936-4673. Also on the [e-mail] your gift of

[Josh Gardner]

hope is a great deduction. Southern California Jewish Center.

[Adam Carolla]

He said deduction no less than eight times. Your gift. Now I've heard a million. Please give. Give generously. Gift till Herze. I've never heard the deduction part worked quite as many times as I've heard. This is a very ugly stereotype.

[Josh Gardner]

Holy shit, is that a catchy jingle.

[Adam Carolla]

Your gift of hope. You want to try it? You want to try it, Josh? I'll sing it with you. Do you not play the guitar? There's a thing with strings on it. California. The gift of hope is a great deduction. Southern California Jewish Center. You thought I was kidding when I said your gift of hope is a great deduction.

[Allison Rosen]

And I do like the Andy Dick and you version better than the real one.

[Adam Carolla]

Still, I like the part where they're like, donate land.

[Allison Rosen]

I know a real piece of real estate.

[Brian Cranston]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

I've been wanting to unload my real estate.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a couple acres off Wilshire. Yeah, go ahead and take that.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, whatever will I do with this boat? I don't need any more.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a boat and an RV and some land. Actually, I park. I park the RV on that land. But I want to get rid of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Throw in some jewelry and we'll give you two nights in a hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

Any hotel?

[Allison Rosen]

No, just not any hotel. But it's a hotel. It's a motel.

[Adam Carolla]

See if you can do it here. Let's see if we can. We can get our jingle going. Hooked nose Jew. No, come on, let's see if we can get it going. Do you guys. Can you figure it out? No one thought to separate that part? No.

[Caller Walter]

You're here.

[Josh Gardner]

Southern California Jewish Center.

[Adam Carolla]

Folks, here's a hooked nose Jew.

[Josh Gardner]

The gift of hope is a great deduction. Southern California Jewish Center.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you put your own flavor on it, but that was awesome. Yeah, you know, it's a great. It's a hit.

[Josh Gardner]

Hey, I saw a. I saw a huge RV today towing a boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

They were on their way to the Jewish center.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're going off to Southern California Jewish center. And they didn't talk about where the money was going. Or who was getting it.

[Allison Rosen]

It'll just help people in need.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, some Jews only have one or two boats. How about you give.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're not using either of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of sad, I was going through pictures today. Mike lynch and I were going through pictures of my childhood. And just the old, you know, manila envelope filled with pictures and just pictures.

[Brian Bishop]

The Corolla frame.

[Adam Carolla]

The Corolla frame, manila envelope that says kids 1967 through 1979. And just going through them and I found some of these old pictures. And we're doing the new book. The new book is out. I believe it's May 15th. I think you can pre order it, not Taco Bell material and grab it on Amazon. And we're going through these pictures because it's time to send in all the pictures and get everything locked off and done for the chapters. And we're just combing through them and I started looking at these old pictures. I'll kind of hand them around a little bit here, let Alison know what I'm talking about. As a matter of fact, hand them back to me because I'm going to read you what's on the back of it. And it's just pictures of me and my sister sitting around my grandma's house. And I'm looking at the. I start reading the back and I notice there's quite a bit of writing going on on the back of these pictures. And I'd never read it before and I'd never noticed before. It's up. You can go to AdamCroll.com and see me sitting there. And so it's not really like my family to write little forget me nots on the back of pictures or something. But I'm gonna read this now. Maybe there's a side of Grandma I didn't know about. Maybe there's a softer side. Maybe there's something. Maybe I'd been a little hard on the old lady over the years.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she was sentimental and wanted to remember what was going on with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So there we are sitting on a brick sort of stoop there in the corner of the dining room. My sister's drinking something out of like, hot cocoa. I'm sitting there holding a Tonka truck and staring at the camera. I then read what's on the back and I think, okay, there's gonna be a date here. It's gonna be how old we are, what grade we're in, or just how cute we are or how brown our Ey. Here's what the inscription that goes with this picture. A Freestanding Swedish fireplace behind the kids. It's an architectural description in case one of the grandkids is blocking the fireplace. When future generations see these pictures. Too bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Too bad she couldn't get you guys out of the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What are those two shits doing blocking that nice Swedish piece of architecture there? That is behind that picture? I'm like, what the fuck? And then I.

[Caller Walter]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

The first one I come across is us sitting in the living room. It's us sitting at a table. Looks like we're playing cards or something. And again, it's in Grandma's handwriting. So I'm trying to read. I'm like, is the date written out longhand here? Where's the date, by the way? No date. There's no date on the picture and no ages on the picture. The next one is we have a hanging stained glass chandelier over the table now. And. And hanging plants between the windows now. So it's basically saying if you see this picture, picture a fake plastic chandelier. It's fake plastic stained glass. You know, 29 bucks at any Ikea and a couple hanging potted plants. Because I'm sure people will see this in the future. Like, if my kids see this. This picture, they're gonna be like, where the fuck is the hanging ficus?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna be all bent out of shape, and I'm gonna go, don't worry, don't worry. There's a hanging potted plant there. Now.

[Allison Rosen]

Other than that, everything in the photo is the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Josh Gardner]

Isn't that better, though, than having, like, the family in happier times?

[Adam Carolla]

Something. The next picture is us in what is the old kitchen, which was just a galley kitchen, was, like, 3ft wide and 9ft long. And it says now we, I don't know, circle the dining room, which we did ourselves. Everything but foundation. Well, actually, I did. I'm the one who built the. Oh, no, they built the new. The new dining room. I built the new kitchen. Anyway, more discussion about the new fireplace and the new. The new dining room and stuff. They done. Not one word about age or kids or what grade.

[Brian Bishop]

Aggressiveness knew no bounds. In case. Let someone think she cared deeply about her grandchildren. Just in case someone got ahold of these pictures.

[Allison Rosen]

I just like that even in death, she's still belittling everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

It was funny that Mike lynch pointed this out to me. The first one, a freestanding Swedish fireplace behind the kids. Mike was like, the fireplace got top billing. It wasn't the kids seen here with a fireplace behind them. It's a fireplace not seen here. With nuisance grandkids blocking said fireplace.

[Brian Bishop]

Grandkids insisted on sitting in my shot.

[Adam Carolla]

A little window into the psyche of the Corollas, everybody. This is Grandma, by the way. You know, the grandma's supposed to be the one who's over the top and doting. Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she must have spoiled you rotten.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it never ended.

[Josh Gardner]

It's a good looking fireplace.

[Adam Carolla]

In her defense, it's nice Swedish. That is baked enamel. Yeah. This is by the way, it went from this to smash cut to. You know, now. When I tell you my stories, I hope you believe them because it is now it is written. It is written now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A vacation rental shouldn't come with surprises. It should come with verbo Care and 24, 7 Life Support. If the hot tub's broken, that's a verbo care thing. If my teenager starts calling me Leslie,

[Adam Carolla]

that's a family thing. Leslie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Verbo Care and 24. 7 Life Support. If you know you've ERBO terms, apply seeverbo.comtrust for details.

[Adam Carolla]

As Moses would say, a gift of hope is a great deduction. When Moses came down from sang when she said. When I told her in 1996, you know, I was doing loveline with Dr. Drew and Ricky Rackman, and I said, it's not going so good. Ricky doesn't listen and he kind of steps on my jokes and he, he's not very good at give and take. And she said, I bet he'd say the same thing about you. Now. Now you know. Now you know. Now you believe me. Do you believe me?

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you believe me?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, grandma. See you in hell. Thank you. It's great. By the way, thanks for doing such a great job on mom. That's what I really want to thank you for. Because you passed that great tradition on to mom. I really needed someone who could lock herself in a room and yell, freak out. That's what every nine year old needs. There you go. So, Brian, that's how I got how I am.

[Brian Bishop]

How about that?

[Adam Carolla]

Now I know that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, I have some pictures too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I do, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

I brought some pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you see? Yeah, I woke up this morning and did have pictures in the back.

[Brian Bishop]

No, these are actually from earlier today. I was woken up this morning by a bang on my front door. Normally wake up around, you know, work at night, so I stay up late. And normally seven o' clock is the regular time for the rest of the world, but not for me, that's very early.

[Adam Carolla]

I Get you wake up to a

[Brian Bishop]

very loud pounding on the front door. It's a neighbor alerting us to. What is it? Busted water main.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, we didn't know what it was. It was. There's a video.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I awoke to. That had been going for in case insurance. There was some sort of problem with the foundation of the house or something, because, as you can see, this has been going for, like, five hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. I mean, when shit goes in the wee hours of the morning, then what are you gonna do now? It doesn't look like a water main.

[Brian Bishop]

It wasn't a water main. I didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

My brother's a sprinkler head.

[Brian Bishop]

My brother's a landscaper. So I called him, and he's like, oh, it's probably something with your.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a sprinkler valve. Sprinkler valve.

[Brian Bishop]

Whoever put the sprinklers in, It's a drip irrigation system. And they did it, like, aftermarket, after, because the sprinklers are good. But it's the drip system that burst because, like, a plastic cap on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And basically exploded and was like this for five hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was my morning. All right. But you got up, you got it shut off.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I had to call the plumber. GWP took forever to come out and called a plumber afterwards, and they beat him there.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll tell you where the main is. They should show you where the main

[Brian Bishop]

didn't turn it off. That's the thing. We actually. I know where the main is. We turn that off. We went out to the street, turned the meter off, and what happened is when they put this drip system in, they bypassed the shut off.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

So it had to shut off, like, out to the street, the whole property.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. I don't know how. Shutting the main off doesn't shut everything off to the house.

[Brian Bishop]

You see that plastic PVC right there? That's aftermarket.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone in another house is like, I'm

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

trying to wash my hair.

[Josh Gardner]

David, how about those plants?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're really good for them. It's cocky for them.

[Brian Bishop]

Christy was, of course, devastated, and I pulled her aside and said, a, it'll get fixed. B, it could be 10,000 times worse because it could be in the house.

[Adam Carolla]

In the house, and you could be out of town. Out of town. That's right. So got it fixed. Josh, you can check that out. Adamcarolla.com so as devastating as my. Is my picture now, where does this. Where does this now? For me, this this doesn't rank that weird for me because I'm used to it, but it is. It is weird that there's an inscription behind the picture of the grandkids written by the grandmother, and it's a description of what is going on architecturally.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing about it is that it shows that this person actually had some passion and interest in things, just not her family.

[Adam Carolla]

Great passion. And Swedish fireplaces. All right, Fitz dog Greg Fitzsimmons is waiting out there. Josh Gardner's got a song for us. The new album. What's that called, Josh? It's called Winter Bush, and it's available now on itunes.

[Brian Bishop]

What's it about?

[Josh Gardner]

It's part of a cycle where my last release was Mr. Stinkfinger, which is an autumnal record. You could almost hear the fall foliage in it. Now we've shifted over to the winter. Yeah. The deep blues and whites and purples of winter, and you're like an artist. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, Mr. Stinkfinger still available on itunes. I recommend it highly.

[Josh Gardner]

This one, I gotta say, is about.

[Adam Carolla]

It's better.

[Brian Cranston]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me give a little. You tune up. All right.

[Josh Gardner]

Oh, there it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Play a little music behind me here as I give a little love to Otto Shepherd. As I know you like working on your own car. You get the Monroe shocks, you get the Monroe struts. You need it out here in la. Oh, a lot of potholes. Guys like Brian blowing. Blowing good, clean water all over the place. Cracking the sidewalk.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get the Monroe shocks and the Monroe struts. By the way, [e-mail] 15% off. 15% off. Autoshepherd.com plus free shipping on orders. Over 50 bucks. Good people, good sponsors. We get all our auto parts over here. I mean, fond alir is a gearhead. Oh, my God. Don't get that guy going over there. That's right. If you can't spell auto shepherd, that's all right. You just go to the [e-mail]. support our sponsors, everybody. They're good guys and they bring donuts. Do yourself a favor. Don't get stabbed at the local auto parts store and get that grease all over your hands. Auto Shepherd.com. that's autoshepd.com.

[Josh Gardner]

i got a way to end it. Oh, Auto shepherd tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so the new song, Josh, which I heard in front of the capacity crowd at Boston's House of Blue, going bananas for this house of blues,

[Josh Gardner]

I should say, hey, feel free to Jump in.

[Adam Carolla]

What's this one called?

[Allison Rosen]

If we feel it.

[Josh Gardner]

If you feel it, you know it's pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

What's this one called?

[Josh Gardner]

This is called I Love vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

You love what?

[Josh Gardner]

Regina.

[Adam Carolla]

Regina. Okay, here we go.

[Josh Gardner]

I made love to Vancouver. And I French kissed Montreal. I fell real hard for the cliffs of Cape Breton. But only Regina can make me beg and moan like a magnet to Regina I am draw. I love Regina. I love Regina. I love Regina. Saskatchewan. I love Regina. I love Regina. I love Regina. Whoa, Saskatchewan. Saskatoon and Yellowknife Just ain't my kinds of towns. And Moose Jaw sounds like a girl I used to know. But only Regina will never let me down. Regina looks and smells as pretty as she sounds. Okay, sick. I love Regina. I love Regina. I love Regina. Saskatchewan. I love Regina. I love Regina. I love Regina. Whoa, Saskatchewan. You can unlick Regina. Even if you try. There simply is no other better place. She's sweeter than a baby's bottom. It's smoother than cherry pie. Regina always puts a smile back on my face. I love Regina. I love Regina. I love Regina. Saskatchewan. I love Reg. I love Regina. I love Regina. Whoa, Saskatchewan.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you, guys.

[Josh Gardner]

Thank you so much.

[Allison Rosen]

I love Regina.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I love it, too.

[Brian Bishop]

Can we isolate Allison's microphone from that?

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, that sounds.

[Josh Gardner]

Hey, I don't usually sing with the cans on, you know, I.

[Adam Carolla]

You sounded off.

[Josh Gardner]

Well, I sounded off.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, and Jeff Dunham's a millionaire. This guy's going back to his shit outside of Vermont.

[Josh Gardner]

Well, he's got that skeleton puppet. That's the one that.

[Adam Carolla]

So sad. So sad. All right. We got calls up here. We got live shows. We got the news. We got Fitzsimmons coming up.

[Allison Rosen]

Josh Gardner has a story evidently, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, story, which is? The Swedish.

[Josh Gardner]

It's the Swedish stove thing. It made me remember something, and it's linked in pretty well.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Josh Gardner]

A while ago, I lived in Spain, and I got to be friends with a gentleman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that thing.

[Josh Gardner]

I got to be friends with a gentleman who was a bouncer kind of club. Dutch guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Great story. It's good stuff.

[Josh Gardner]

Dutch fella.

[Adam Carolla]

Bring it home.

[Josh Gardner]

Okay, so this. The guy goes. He goes. So he goes, last night, I go, what did you do last night? And he goes, last night, we were. A mate of mine, Swedish guy, we were at the cinema, and we picked up these two English chicks, and we bring them back to my flat and, you know, no preliminaries. It was straight cock and cunt fucking. No prelim. I have this bitch, her fucking Head out the window. And this Swedish guy, look, he's on the bed. And I go, what the fuck are you doing? His penis was limp. It was softer than a fucking baby's bottom. And I go, get the fuck. You're insulting the girl. Get the fuck out of here. So we had a pleasant threesome. But you're not one of those assholes, right? And I'm like, I don't. I don't know. I don't think I'm one of those assholes. He's like, call me after work tomorrow, we'll have a Coke.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Josh Gardner]

I never called the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that's too much pressure.

[Josh Gardner]

It was just that Swedish stove thing

[Adam Carolla]

really reminded me that we're all thinking about. But who else has got some story?

[Josh Gardner]

Do you think the guy was really

[Adam Carolla]

an asshole, though, for throwing the guy with the limp penis out of there?

[Josh Gardner]

Well, no, the guy with the limp on the bed, because his buddy. There were no preliminary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, I don't think anyone intentionally. It's sort of having a limp cock is the vehicular manslaughter of crime, which is, no one goes out and says, I'm going to run over Mexican on a bicycle who's coming home from his busboy gig. But when it's raining, I've had a couple of beers, you know what I mean? So you still feel bad for all parties? You know, there's still a victim here. But it's hard to blame the guy who couldn't get a boner because he didn't go out intentionally and think, let's pick up some chicks at the cinema and not get hard.

[Josh Gardner]

And then the Dutch guy goes. He goes. And of course he goes, we're at the cinema and it's, you know, the cinema and the discotheque are about what, 50 meters from my flat?

[Adam Carolla]

I love it when a guy goes full euro in just one sentence. You know, the flat, the disco and putting the tech.

[Josh Gardner]

By the time we're in the lift, I'm already fucking this. But he had such a mobile rang.

[Adam Carolla]

It was horrible.

[Josh Gardner]

Because he had good English but such a filthy mouth. And he knew all the swears.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't even have discotheques here anymore. Know why I think we did away them and just called them discos.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because if you're. If you're a disco tech, you have a 300% greater chance of being blown up by terrorists. If you're just a disco, you will not be blown up. But if you call yourself a discotheque, here comes the Fucking shoe bomber. I've done the math. Gift of joke is a great foundation, a great deduction. All right, let's see. Oh, we got a video also. Are we looking at the video? We gonna put it up?

[Josh Gardner]

Well, let's take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's let it breathe. Yeah. Yeah. Josh has a video that you can [e-mail] as well, I think.

[Josh Gardner]

Oh, he's cueing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. Do you ted tits.

[Josh Gardner]

Asus. I can't be with you no more. This other girl I know wants me to go with her. You don't know her. She go to Aldean middle, seventh grade, like I should be. But she 14, so she should be in eighth grade. She got that ass and those tet tits. And my birthday is March 29, and she told me if I go with her, I can her on my birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Uninterrupted shot. Yeah, uninterrupted shot.

[Josh Gardner]

Plus, she a crip, so I will be with her.

[Adam Carolla]

This video is now. Must see. It's going viral. Meaning it's gonna die.

[Josh Gardner]

Bai.

[Adam Carolla]

I just can't forget. Get your pair of Ted Te.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not sure if this is racist or very racist.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think it's very racist. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's racist or very racy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think he said racist. We're gonna put this on our YouTube channel. Yeah, go, go.

[Brian Cranston]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

This will be on our YouTube channel. I recommend it very high. All right.

[Josh Gardner]

Josh Gardner, Creative in Maine, making a living.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That is some really, really good stuff. Fitz dog is out there. Greg Fitzsimmons. We got a couple of. Couple of calls out there. Let's see. Someone's gonna help me with a live read. Hey, Dan. Dan.

[Caller Walter]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you calling from?

[Caller Walter]

I'm calling from a town called Sunol, California.

[Adam Carolla]

Sonol, California. You do not know that one.

[Caller Walter]

What's up, Paul? Bryan will.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he doesn't.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't even know where that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's the mall?

[Caller Walter]

It's East Bay, near Livermore.

[Brian Bishop]

No one goes there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah, no worries.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Caller Walter]

Good times.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, you're around Silicon Valley there, right?

[Caller Walter]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, how about go to meeting?

[Caller Walter]

Oh, love it. I run businesses on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you want to attach the face to the name. It's important you run businesses off of GoToMeeting. That's what I love. So we both recommend GoToMeeting.

[Caller Walter]

Oh. To everybody, including my grandma, who has no idea what a computer is.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought to you by Citrix. You know, that's a name you can trust. You Take the webcam you click on to collaborate with the group. HD video. You get all the partners under one roof. Doesn't matter where you are, you could be. Where you going back, Josh, In a week. Where are you going to be?

[Josh Gardner]

I'm thinking about getting a little RV out here.

[Adam Carolla]

Where that? Yes, and Maine. Thank you. All right, so we're full 22ft away from where I am. Well, don't worry, we can still Interface. Use it GoToMeeting regardless of time zone. That's right, we use it here, try gotomeeting free. 30 days only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button and use the promo code Adam. Dan.

[Caller Walter]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

I inspired a sci fi novel.

[Caller Walter]

Yes, as a matter of fact, you did.

[Adam Carolla]

How did I do that?

[Caller Walter]

Well, I gotta. Let me start from the beginning.

[Adam Carolla]

Grandma from Planet Bitch.

[Caller Walter]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead. I love me some Star Trek.

[Caller Walter]

I know you do. I'm not a professional, creative person. My family is somewhere between yours and Chris Titus is on the parenting scale. And so I was writing a first draft back in 2008. It was a really difficult for me to do that. But you, Teresa and Bob Bryant had these extended discussions on how to keep following your dreams, keep pushing forward through whatever challenges you run into. And it really kept me going.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're welcome.

[Caller Walter]

Allison, of course. Can't hold a candle to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. Yeah. All right.

[Caller Walter]

You kept my mojo going. And so now I have a book out there to share with everyone. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. Well, now you have to throw out the title. What the hell?

[Caller Walter]

Okay. It is called Flotilla. It's a near future sci fi novel based on the colony floating off the coast of Los Angeles. And the main character is a teenager who gets kicked out of rehab to live with his dad and raise fish on the open ocean.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Is he bald?

[Caller Walter]

Not yet. Not yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Flotilla. I like that. Hey, listen, you're talking to one of the five guys on the planet that like the water world, so look out.

[Brian Bishop]

I liked water world.

[Adam Carolla]

Six, seven guys. Yeah, I know, but it got a lot of shit when it came out. But it's kind of fun. It's above average, for sure. I know.

[Caller Walter]

Everyone wants to make that comparison. You'll dig it, Adam, because I threw a number of Easter eggs into the novel that fans of the show will dig.

[Adam Carolla]

And when you say everybody who wants to make the comparison between Flotilla and Waterworld, you mean your stepdad and your cocker spaniel.

[Caller Walter]

And that really angry phys ed teacher who kicked me out of class that one day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly. Well, thanks, Dan. We do appreciate it. And I'm happy to be the wing. I should say the wind under anyone's wings. Josh Winter Bush, name of the new album. This is the real deal.

[Josh Gardner]

This is my. This is my.

[Adam Carolla]

Regina's on that song.

[Josh Gardner]

Magnum opus.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that. Is Regina on there? Is that on Winter Bush, track one. Track one. Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

Leading off with Regina.

[Adam Carolla]

And the last one, too. Mr. Stink Finger, available on itunes. I'll tell you, if you like good music, you like good family oriented music, Mr. Stinkfinger. You can't go wrong.

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah, Josh, my dad sent me it. He said, I bought your album on itunes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Josh Gardner]

He goes funny with an exclamation.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe he's being sincere.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that was after. Oh, boy. All right. Regina's good stuff. Defratguy.com and you can Twitter him @defratguy. And you can Twitter him at. To Josh Gardner. Yes.

[Josh Gardner]

I totally forgot, man, that I'm gonna be opening up for you.

[Adam Carolla]

You are?

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah, man. Seattle Friday, March 9 Going through that whole run.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Josh Gardner]

We're gonna go over to Spokane, to the Knitting Factory, then down. Back down to port. We're gonna shoot down to Portland.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna open for me?

[Josh Gardner]

Shoot down the five? Yeah, I'm headed up there. We're gonna do some music and it'll be. We'll make. We'll make a weekend out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. We'll talk. Quick break. Greg Fitzsimmons next.

[Josh Gardner]

Hey, baby.

[Caller Walter]

Hey.

[Josh Gardner]

What's wrong with women today? Wiping out beavers all across the usa. It's a natural fact.

[Adam Carolla]

Natural fact. I remember when they used to sing about it. It's a natural fact. Great. Fitzsimmons is in studio. Always great to see the Fitz dog doing standup dates. February 24th and the 25th. Up. Comedy Club in Chicago. Never been there. And March 16th, part of Second City. Oh, okay. Improv Hollywood, March 17th audiobook. Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, out on Amazon as we [e-mail] if you want to check out his website. Good to see you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great ace, Matt. Thanks for having me in exciting times.

[Caller Walter]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on on the social front?

[Brian Cranston]

Anything?

[Adam Carolla]

How's the wife treating you? How are the kids?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kids are gone. I took my son to his first basketball game last night. We went to the Lakers. It's the Trailblazers.

[Adam Carolla]

How was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a blowout game. But it is amazing when you go see a game in person. After watching on tv, you go, who shrunk the fucking basketball court and blew these guys up? It's so much more intense and, and you know, and then you see all the. Of course at la, it's about who's sitting inside, right? So we had good seats. My friend, I believe is in the mafia and he got tickets for us that were like 15th row, center court. And I'm looking right at Katzenberg and Spielberg. They're there 20 minutes early standing on the court.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they? Here, let me ask this. Cause I just went to the Staples center, but to watch the Harlem Globetrotters Sunday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My son was at that Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Geez, your son's getting a lot of hoots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wasn't there, but yeah, he's all over it.

[Adam Carolla]

I sat in a weird no man's land, which is not a good place to sit with two 5 year old kids, which is you either want to be courtside where there's nothing in front of you, or you want to be up a little bit on the rake when it starts to rake up. But what it does is it goes courtside and it sort of goes flat for about 20 rows and then it starts to rake up. And if you're somewhere in that 20 rows, you think you're in good seats, but you're really just 20ft away from the court, but you're flat. That's really what the fuck is going on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the big dicks don't come out unless they're on courtside because they don't want to be seen in that area because they didn't. All people think is, wow, Ron Howard didn't get courtside.

[Adam Carolla]

And ironically, if I was back 20 more rows, I'd have a much better view of what was going on on the court because I'd be up on the raked part of the blue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now you're talking about the Fitz dog seats.

[Adam Carolla]

The Fitz dog seats, as they're affectionately known as at the Staples Center. So I, I wonder about those things. Like, does everyone. Look, I know people like sports, but Jeremy Piven just wants to stay in their courtside. Right. Like he wants to be seen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That might, that might be a bad example. I think Piven. Piven probably is into it. Jack Black was sitting next to Jerry. Jeffrey Katzenberg.

[Adam Carolla]

He's into it. But shouldn't you feel self conscious about that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'd feel like a douchebag. There's no way I would sit in that seat.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd feel weird just standing up, knowing everyone was kind of looking at you. And for Christ's sake. What if you wanted to scratch your balls, for the love of Christ?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that actually gets you some points, I think, for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying the guys, like sort of that Spike Lee kind of thing. Like, I know you're really into your team, but on the other hand, everyone knows who you are and you're running up and down the side of the court and you're high fiving guys that are 8 foot taller than you. Like, there's kind of a part of your brain that goes, why don't you sit down and be quiet? And this is weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they do it in la. It's not like if they're in Sacramento, you don't see these assholes jump on their private planes and go to Sacramento.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw Told it five times, but that's a little light on this show. I saw Sharon Stone driving around in a convertible Aston Martin 10 years ago, just through Pasadena. Just stopped at a light. I just looked to my right, there's Sharon's blonde hair. First off, it's an Aston Martin convertible. So you're already sort of looking at it because it's unique, interesting, beautiful car. And then you're like, oh, that's Sharon Stone. It's like High Noon. Top down, blonde hair. And it's like, sweetie, you're not getting enough attention and there's not enough weirdos to follow you home and try to rape you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, here's why we're sitting in a garage right now doing a podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They pay that money in the same way that Budweiser buys a commercial on the Super Bowl. Katzenberg is saying, Jack Black is saying I'm a front row guy. They are selling themselves, basically saying, I'm one of the 20 most important people in LA right now.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels weird to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why you're in a fucking garage.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, based on what you guys know

[Brian Bishop]

about Jack Block, you think it's into

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

basketball at all and.

[Brian Bishop]

Or sports?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. I will say he made

[Brian Bishop]

his fan tenacious D. I. Oh, he

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

was sitting next to Kyle Gass, by the way. I'll give him credit. I'll give him credit for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I met, I met him many, many years ago at a. At a dinner where he was just a boyfriend of Laura Kightlinger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Back in the day. And Laura Kightlinger.

[Allison Rosen]

How about leaving the jokes to add on.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that girl. And she was doing the first season of mtv. And Jack Black was not Jack Black. He was this little scruffy, hairy sort of John Belushi, sort of poorly dressed. Like, we're out at a nice dinner with the producers, and Laura Kightlinger brought her little. Her little chubby boyfriend with her. And I was like, who is this weird dude who doesn't comb his hair? And that was Jack Black.

[Josh Gardner]

That's how I roll.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't talk about sports.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. I think he's a rock and roll guy at heart, from what Laura told me that. And I know him a little bit, and he's very nice guy, but I think he likes to just hole up, listen to music and mix music, play music.

[Adam Carolla]

So does he go. Does he go and sit courtside? Because that's part of a sort of obligation. Like, hey, like, I have two heads on this, and you tell me I

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

got a third when you're done.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. There's a part of me where it's like, I just did the Celebrity Apprentice and I didn't mention the podcast once. And I was standing.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. I'm standing next to Paul Tuttle, who was wearing his Orange County Chopper apparel on top of Orange County Chopper apparel on top. Like, there's, like, layers of. Layers of everything he wore. Everything was Orange County Chopper, everything he named Orange County. And I feel so weird about that. But on the other hand, I go, well, the guy's a businessman, and he's making millions of dollars, and he sells tons of fucking hoodies and tons of T shirts. And I'm trying to do a podcast, and I go on Celebrity Apprentice, and I don't even bring up the podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So on the one hand, I don't think I can do what he's doing. On the other hand, who's the retard here? I think it's me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You are now, because the business. You had a second head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The first head is. No, that's two of them. One is, I'm ashamed and embarrassed to bring this stuff up. The other part is. Is, well, maybe I should be courtside. Maybe they're smart, and maybe they're laughing all the way the bank.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what I was thinking about the whole time I'm supposed to be watching the game. I'm supposed to have my arm around my kid enjoying, you know, a great sport, and instead I'm looking at these tan guys with reconstructed faces and fucking hair implants because it's gross. Every guy really does look like that, Right? And I'm looking at them. And the thing is, I'm looking at them. They're courtside or they're close to up front, I'm thinking, who is that guy?

[Adam Carolla]

I wanna. He's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got the power over me now. Cause I'm looking at him and I think, God, I guess that's what I'm supposed to be doing. And I'm like, you. I go, but I can't. It's not in me to do that kind of shit. I have to, like, you know, self destruct. I have to say stupid things in public that people will shit on me for. That'll keep my career from going to the next level. Cause I'm hosting the porn awards, right? You know, I just. I can't calculate and I can't posture. And the people. We were talking before the show started about a certain individual and. And there. He's a comedy star.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess the point is, some people maybe are given certain comedic roles because of the. The perception that they're funny rather than you having laughed at them at some point in your life.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I love his Nikon commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't really. He's dreaming those. We don't really count. I mean, the thing about comedy, we don't know who's parroting words that fat Jewish guys wrote and who's making stuff up in real time and who's. I always know this because when I do a show like I've done Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Apprentice or Fitz Dog Radio. Or Fitz Dog Radio, people. Yeah. I don't. Not in that order. Yeah, yeah. Fitz Dog Radio, Dance with the Stars and then Celebrity again.

[Allison Rosen]

He was hiding his light under a bushel, as he does by not mentioning Fitz Dog Radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Got a bushel shade?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Light behind it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Under it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Blacked out. Bushel shade. Sounds like a COD piece. Point is this. Everyone will always go, oh, man, you're so funny on that show. And I go, yeah, well, that's. That's. I'm a comedian. That's what I'm supposed to do. But. But other people aren't that funny sometimes. And you realize no one really knows who is funny and who isn't funny. And we're not even within the business sophisticated enough to know who's doing an act and who's having words put in their mouth and who's fast on their feet and who's spontaneous and who takes a lot of rehearsal. Like, it's a weird thing. I was just talking about this with my friend Kevin Hanch. Like, even within the business, we don't really know who the real deal is, so to speak.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And ultimately probably don't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well. And, you know, and I've written for a lot of shows and, you know, like the defrat guy, putting words into your mouth all those years. And it's amazing because, like, people don't understand. Like, you know, when I wrote for Ellen, she. That stuff's written. Every fucking word of it is. But she's so good, right? She's so casual and fun and relaxed when she delivers that shit, it's like she's thinking of it, Right? That's the gift right there. Some guys, the fat Jewish guys, they go up to try to say that shit, right? And it doesn't even seem like they ever. Like, someone must have written it for them because it's not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. So the gift is really being able to deliver that what you put in their mouth a couple hours earlier.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because you can always get a room full of fat Jewish guys that can write funny shit. It's the person that can put it out there, you know? Like, look at Letterman. I was thinking about a Letterman monologue versus a Leno because I was at the dentist, and the woman's like, oh, I love Jay Leno. Until I went to see him down at the Hermosa Beach Comedy Club on Sunday night, and I realized he was trying out the jokes. Like, she thought that he just went up and talked about fun shit he could remember from the new. Like, it's crazy. And then you think of Letterman and you go, he kind of does just do that. Like, he has a few ideas. You know, colony on the moon. You hear about that. Paul Newt's got a colony on the moon. And then he actually finds funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it seems spontaneous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And it kind of is a little more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think the thing that's interesting is when you go on these reality shows, you cannot bring your teleprompter with you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And thus it's always like, oh, you're funny. And why wasn't so and so funny? It's like, because I do. This is what I do. And that's what they do. And they make a lot more money doing what they do than I do me doing what I do. And I think we're the idiots. I think they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, if you think about music, you'll get somebody like Adele. And I said to myself, I was listening to David Bowie Heroes two days ago and thinking to myself, nobody does this anymore. Nobody writes shit that transcends and brings you. And I thought, adele does. But then I needed to know, does she write her own shit? And I found out she does with a partner. And then I gave her full credit. If it was somebody who was just delivering the music written by somebody else.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Debbie Gibson versus Tiffany.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who wrote that?

[Adam Carolla]

I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, fair enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love Debbie Gibson.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But do you give less credibility to say Elton John, who, Bernie. What's his name? Wrote most of the toppin. Toppin. Do you give him less credit than you give, say, a Rod Stewart?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck, yeah. Rod Stewart's horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Rod Stewart's horrible?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's not horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Horrible. Oh, he's horrible. Well, here's how you can tell when Rod Stewart sings Handbags. All right, Rod Stewart sings.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a banana photo for the listeners.

[Adam Carolla]

When he sings first. First cut is the deepest, you go, oh, that's a really good song. And then you realize that he couldn't have written that song. And he sings Downtown Train, you go, that's a really good song. And then you realize you could have written that song. And he sings Handbags and Glad Rags, you go, that's a really good song. He couldn't have written that song. But then when you hear Passion or Hot Legs, you go, oh, I bet he wrote that song. He writes horrible songs. He's a horrific songwriter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bad example. Let's go to Neil Diamond.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. I think you should write your own songs if you're a performer now, once in a while you have your Frank Sinatra or your Tony Bennett and who gives a shit? But. But Rod Stewart is a horrifically bad songwriter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Frank Sinatra you put way up there, even though he didn't write anything. I'm not. I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not me. But I appreciate, first off, the difference between somebody who's just a voice and somebody who writes songs like Whitney Houston was a voice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you hook them up with a producer and a songwriter. But so was most of that or a lot of that Motown stuff. You know, they had producers and they had songwriters and they of kind. A couple of Jewish guys would write the song. Not as fat as the guys who wrote the jokes. And then they'd give it to the, you know, black chicks. And the next thing you know, you had magic. And that was fine. Yeah, I. I dug that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean that. There's no problem with that. But when it just comes to talent level, much prefer the singer, songwriter, songwriters. John Hyde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

John Hyde. Love.

[Adam Carolla]

John High.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who. John High, by the way, I would say, is the. He is the opposite of that. His songs become famous by somebody else because he's not as good of a singer as they are. Well, he's like Randy Newman.

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for he's a better singer than Bob Dylan is. And Bob Dylan would cover his songs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. But do some news.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, let's do the news. I guess I was just trying to see if there was a difference between comedy and singing in terms of who. If you have to write it or not. I think with comedy, you have to write.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I think someone who's famous for being a good singer is akin to someone who's famous for being a good actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's a song where the comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a difference between own stuff, Chris Farley, the late great, or even John Belushi and Louis ck. You know, I mean, one. It's a different thing. If you're a comedic actor, that's fine. Yeah, with me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you're. If you're doing stand up, I'd like. I'd like. If you're going up there and saying. Because when you do. See, when you do a movie, if you're going to play Bluto in Animal House, you're just playing Bluto and Animal House. But if you're doing stand up and you say, hey, man, my girlfriend just broke up with me, you're saying, my girlfriend in me. And so I want you to have had that experience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Experience, Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you mind if we dance with your dates? All right. Allison Rosen now, by the way, in the news, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison wrote this song. When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison and I performed it and played all the instruments.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No Jews involved, no mark burnt.

[Allison Rosen]

The teacher who from Miramonte Elementary School, who's accused of 23 lewd acts against the young kids, pled or pleaded not guilty in court today.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I've said this before, my lasagna eating rule. I don't know where we're at with society. I told you that. Things you could say, you couldn't say on the radio 10 years ago, you can now say on, you know, primetime television and all that kind of stuff. But when I got to hear stories about putting the semen in the Dixie Riddle cup and having them do a shot of that, like NyQuil and stuff like that, it's like, I can't. It's fucking. It's too Much for me.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a bit of improvisation on your part because it was a blue plastic spoon or some cookies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No Dixie up.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where have you been for the last 24 hours?

[Adam Carolla]

I write my own material. Could do what I just did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You took that pedophilia and you.

[Adam Carolla]

I made it my own.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You made it your own with the

[Allison Rosen]

specificity of Dixie Riddle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I did. It did occur to me, though, that

[Adam Carolla]

it's like he's trying to ruin everyone's fucking dinner. Like he put a cockroach. What he did is he took an adorable seven year old, he put a cockroach on their face. Then he gave him a spoon of semen. And you're like, all right, I'm full. Good. What else we got to talk about? My mom being ran. Raped.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In prison. Like, I can't eat anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But I eat jizz on a puppy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Could we just talk about people being impaled on rusty crow crowbars and, and, and, and rebar so I could finish

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

my meal and it's always six o' clock news. You're sitting there with the kids.

[Caller Walter]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you just finished watching America's Funniest Video rerun or something. And then, top story tonight, guy jerks off on a cookie, gives it. And you can't find the remote. Yeah, exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Do the kids ask questions about it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like when, when daddies really love cookies. They really, really, really love cookies. Really love cockroaches and cookies.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't like how I like cookies?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, with the different kind of, you know, you get the ones from grandma's cookies and you like the oatmeal with the icing. Icing on there. This is like that, but it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We ran out of sugar. Daddy had to improvise.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's a little saltier than Grandma's.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I did. What. What if it really tasted fucking great? What if, like, it was the best kept secret that, like, jizzle covered oatmeal cookies were like fucking lobster. But you wouldn't like, you could never eat that. But if you did and it was that good, would you sneak off and. And it can't be your jism. It has to be like somebody else. The flavor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're immune to your own gizmo.

[Allison Rosen]

What a cruel trick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But if it's a guy who looks like a postal worker with a mustache comes on a cookie, it's so. Fuck. It's like crack to you.

[Allison Rosen]

People will go Miles for his.

[Adam Carolla]

I really have to think about this, you know. So you're saying if a stranger beats off on my oatmeal cookie, but it's really nummy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, like nummy.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta get back to you. I just couldn't answer that honestly. I just don't know. I just don't know. I'm being honest. I couldn't answer it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think as a society.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what's the question on the table here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think if you. The cookie on the table is. If everybody in America knew that jizz covered cookies from strangers were better than anything else you could experience viscerally in your life, would they not go seek out jism covered cookies and eat them knowing it was jism but not being able to stop themselves?

[Adam Carolla]

This is why Ellen shit canned him. It's just these kind of discussions in the writers room.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I pitch it and she go, I'll just dance. Get some of that out of dance.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the thing though. If what you're proposing, a stranger's jizz on a cookie was the best thing ever, then I don't think we'd regard jizz the way we do. We'd think of it more like frosting.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's, let's, let's, let's.

[Allison Rosen]

He's trying to eat lasagna.

[Adam Carolla]

Have aside climb out for a second if we could. I'm just saying if half of what this guy they say this guy's doing is true, let's just kill him or have him killed in prison. It'd be nice. It's just so sad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do love the killing in prison system.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too. I like that too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Such a great resolution. Because you watch those mood like vigilante movies where like the guy walks cause the cop didn't read him his rights and you get so angry. But then when they go to prison and you think they're not killing him, they just sent him to prison, you go, oh, that's fucking so much better.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's always my sort of argument for capital punishment. Like the people that are against capital punishment don't have a problem with Jeffrey Dahmer being killed in the bathroom of the prison. It's satisfying. You know, you go, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or I'm against capital punishment, but I'd be the first one to kill somebody if they fucked with anyone I knew.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Really? Well, that's good. We all hope this guy is killed in prison and put out of his misery. I mean, he's like a dog with a disease. He needs to be put down. Essentially.

[Allison Rosen]

He also has a very demonic glimmer in his eyes because I saw a bunch of photos of him today and there's a lot of photos of him posing with kids. These weren't the photos that they found.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my argument though. This. I'm gonna make the spoon and the jizz argument. Which came first? Pardon the pun, but what I'm saying is this.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, knowing what he did, I think he has a demonic glimmer.

[Adam Carolla]

Believe me, I got a stepdad. I could show you a couple pictures of of if I told you the guy jizz on a spoon and fed it to me. Every picture of my stepdad. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Because he looks creepy, but he's a nice guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now they should measure you if your eyes are a certain percentage close to each other and the hairline is that high and that must give.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's, it's, it's all there.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I love when the super creepy guy, it's, it's my Joe Jackson. Not singer, songwriter Joe Jackson and not look sharp and I'm the man. Two great albums. Not that one. Joe Joe Jackson, Papa Papa Jackson. I love when these guys like stare in the mirror and go, well, I'm 85% creepy now. But what, what if I got a pencil thin mustache like an evil guy from a Disney cartoon from the 50s, like a car, evil carnival barker from the 50s. Wouldn't that make me look that much creepier and demonic spikes? Yeah, yeah, I bet it would. Bet it would. And it's probably. He's probably taking a little sharpie and drawing it. Oh yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

First just on one side.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I'm being interviewed by Geraldo and he's asked me if I ever molested my son, what's going to make it seem to the world like I'm lying my ass off? Super penciled in ski.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Oh, oh.

[Adam Carolla]

What if I wore chain outside of my turtleneck? Yes, yes. Is there anyone that ever gets hold of these guys and go, look, there's a place called old Old Navy. Get a shirt with button down collar. So at least for a second you

[Allison Rosen]

can go back kill.

[Adam Carolla]

You go back to the burnt orange dicky with of gold outside of it. But just put on a pair of khakis for the one fucking interview here's Martin Brashear is going to do with you. And then you go right back to the penciled mustache and the crazy fucking sweater.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can grow creepy back.

[Adam Carolla]

But for now, right, like if you're the guy's attorney. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Little just for men. And let's get rid of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't blow dry the 27 hairs on top of that. Don't blow dry them back. Just let them fall for today.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

A state lawmaker bothered by the publicly released 911 call involving Demi Moore has made it her mission to make sure law enforcement agencies cannot legally release private information from emergency calls.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, good.

[Allison Rosen]

Something you felt.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything that I complain about eventually will come to fruition.

[Allison Rosen]

Assembly woman Norma Torres has introduced a bill, AB 1275 or 1275, which would prohibit said agencies from releasing medical or personal identifying information contained in emergency calls.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course somebody's going to get killed because they're not going to want to say that whatever celebrity has OD'd on whatever it is, it's something like incense. They collapsed from dehydration when really they sucked up way too much many Percocets or something. But they're not going to want to say that. And then they want other personal information like their age and their weight and stuff like that. And they don't want to say that. No one wants to give it up.

[Allison Rosen]

She's 30 something and she's 40.

[Adam Carolla]

Fit. Yeah, she looks fit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like a conference call with 911 and TMZ.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I never thought of that. But yeah, that's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone's gonna get fucking killed. And why do we. Why do we. And look, I understand. And then everyone makes the fucking. It's all the slippery slope stuff because. Oh, okay, so you're not for freedom of information. So then we do, we plant some WMDs over there in Iraq and we start a war over nothing. Because. Because Demi Mo phone call can't be monitored by. It's like. No, no, we're just. Just this one thing. Just this one thing. Just the one thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Critics of the.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I want to yell at all assholes with their thing.

[Allison Rosen]

No slope.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you go, you go. Why is this not a good idea? Well, at first glance it seems like a great idea, but what about. And then they do some crazy math 100 years in the future where the government is off with their black op helicopters doing whatever they want. They're planting weed and in your 5 year old daughter's crib and there's nothing you can do. It's like shut the fuck up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now. It's like these senators, they can insert shit into bills like the bridge to nowhere but they can't insert. But. But just not 911 calls. You can't insert something that would actually make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice. And who the fuck is going to be against this?

[Allison Rosen]

Critics of the proposed measure say federal and state laws already provide enough protections. Existing laws.

[Adam Carolla]

Enough.

[Allison Rosen]

Enough. Existing laws allow law enforcement agen to withhold personal information, quote, that is medical or personal, that if disclosed, would cause an unwarranted evasion of privacy. The media is usually able to obtain copies of emergency dispatch tapes under the California Public Records Act. Agencies decide what qualifies as evasion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's not enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, it's one thing if you're a news outlet, and even then you're making money, you're selling commercial time. If you're tmz, you're selling commercials. And if you're providing. If your content is Demi Moore's 911 call, then that. That's content, and you're selling commercial time off of that. So they need to be compensated. That's my argument. If you're gonna film George Clooney, you gotta pay George Clooney.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have no bigger fan in the world or bigger supporter than the Fitz dog. You know that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a but coming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But are you not the guy that used to go to Las Vegas and prank call people and then put it on his entertainment?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Cranston]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but still. See, it's a tie. It's a tie. It's a tie. Well, first off, I don't know about that. We went to Vegas because it's illegal to do it in Los Angeles. Number one, Jimmy's hometown. Number two, we would have to call them and get their consent.

[Josh Gardner]

Ah.

[Adam Carolla]

And oftentimes sweeten the deal with a gift certificate to Olive Garden.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was it the Olive Garden?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we'd start with the Olive Garden

[Brian Bishop]

out back to school, sweeten it, and

[Adam Carolla]

work our way up to the Outback. Red Lobster.

[Brian Bishop]

If they were really tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Red Lobster was for a certain ethnicity. So if the point is this, so you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if you see Demi Moore in an Olive Garden, you know that she sold out low.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she sold low.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have waited for that.

[Allison Rosen]

How high would you have gone?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we would have to get. We would have to get. That's. That's my whole thing. If George Clooney is leaving LAX and you run up to him with a camera and you want to toss it on your primetime show or your syndicated show, that then sells commercial spots on it, George Clooney has to sign a release.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

No. That's not true. It should be true, but it's not true. Because they're considered a celebrity first and a citizen next.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it?

[Adam Carolla]

And I've always said this good. If George Clooney or me or whoever Fitz dog is a celebrity, meaning if you're a citizen, you can't walk out of LAX and have a guy film you and throw it up on a TV show without.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even if you're the fat guy. Like on CNN when they do an

[Adam Carolla]

opening, just show the fat guy or they'll show your fat ass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can't show his face, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But if you're a celebrity, they get to show you without any consent. And I was thinking about it and my feeling is that's fine. But then I don't want to pay as much in taxes. I want my own garbage man. When I call 911 1, I want the cops there 10 minutes earlier. I'm a celebrity. So I want some special celebrity treatment. Because if this is gonna be the only treatment I'm gonna get, then fuck it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And if I'm a citizen, you should

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

be a premium citizen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I've been saying my whole fucking life because of the taxes I pay. But I'm just saying you're a citizen first and you're a celebrity second. So all the laws that pertain to a celebrity just like to a citizen just like in a bad way, meaning there's no law about you jaywalking and there's no law about you paying your taxes. And it's not like, well, your water bill is cheaper or your cable bill is cheaper. There's nothing. It' the same. You're a citizen. You should then have all the same laws.

[Allison Rosen]

I meant how high would you go in terms of sweet talking people to allow you to use the tape?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the highest you ever pay?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we would. Well, sometimes there was just. No, sometimes we could never get them to clear anything. Like what the time I used to call up and I would call up as Mr. Burcham and I would explain that I had a wife who was morbidly obese and she was getting fitted for one of those lap bands. And I would call moving companies and I would say, I'd basically say to

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

them,

[Adam Carolla]

listen, we're only about a mile and a half from the hospital and the insurance doesn't cover the ambulance ride and they want like $6,600 to transport her from the thing. But my brother in law's, you know, he's got one of those diamond blades and A stucco cutter. We can take the garden window out of the living room. And then we'll just go ahead and put her on a pallet. If you got a steak bed truck with a Tommy lift on it, I mean, I'll flag her and we'll just, you know, hit her with some bubble wrap and you guys take her to the hospital. I mean, what would something like that cost? Because that's got to be, you know, a couple of hundred dollars, right? And I was. I do that bit. And the guys. Basically, I would explain that she was know. You know, they'd be like, how much does your wife weigh? And say there's a round estimate. Because we can't really. We have to go to the zoo to weigh her. So we can't really know how much she weighs. We have to factor in the box spring and stuff like that. Deduct that, you know, in the bed and stuff. But she's in the, you know, 650 to 900 range. But anyway, I'm gonna take the garden window out. Like I said, I can rent a forklift. We can get her onto a pallet and then just get her. If you got a steak. But. And it will bubble. And I'd say that, you know, if she starts to get a cantankerous, I can dart her with this concoction of like, Robituss and nyquil that I make up. It turns her into a pussycat like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You already don't get close enough to your own wife that you're already darter.

[Adam Carolla]

And we'll flag her. Shouldn't be a problem. You know, if you have a gate lift, you know, what's that rated for? We can get her on there. And so I'm talking as one moving guy, and you have to call 10 moving companies. But I was pretty consistent, convincing. And I was like, she's huge. Insurance doesn't cover the ambulance ride. That's, you know, five grand out of my pocket or whatever. I said it was the best.

[Brian Bishop]

Was your response to when they were like, is this a joke?

[Adam Carolla]

I wish it was. That was all. And all that just did go away. You'd move right on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then they're. Then they're on your side.

[Adam Carolla]

So the humanity. This one guy, I could hear him. So it's like the whole time I'm doing the. You know, she's a big gal, but she's gonna get this procedure. And I could hear the guy, like, he was a moving dude, you know, And I could hear him like. Like going like, hey, Kurt, Kurt, he wants to remove his fat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I'm listening. So how much does she weigh? They can't, they don't have a. They don't have a scale big enough. And so he was like, I can tell he's like laughing it up with his buddy, you know, and at a certain point, I got really pissed off and serious at first, and I'm like, sir, my wife has a medical condition. Do you understand? It's called morbid obesity and she may die of it. And I appreciate if it was a form of entertainment for you and your co worker. And he, this guy, he got all sober real fast and he went, hey, okay, listen, sorry, sorry. I know, I know where you're coming from. I know, I know where you're coming from. I have a three year old who breathes through a tracheotomy hole. So I understand what it's like to live with someone with a disability. And I said, sir, your daughter was a smoker. She did that to herself. My wife is a victim. My wife is a victim. This guy, soon as I explained that his daughter did it to herself because she's a smoker, but my wife was a victim. My wife has a medical condition called morbid obesity. This guy went from like laughing it up to. He just went, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm fucking. I'll fucking kill you. Where the fuck are you? Fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's running in place.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, yeah, I was like, where's. How do I get through? How can I punch through this phone? And how can I get my hand through this phone to strangle you? You know, so he starts screaming at me, he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna find me. He's gonna fucking kill me. He'll kill me. Then like eight minutes later, after he hung up, you know, I called him back, say, hey, man, hey. That was funny, wasn't it? Hey, you ever had one of those blooming onions? No. Still want to kill me? So that guy, we couldn't get. I couldn't get him off. I couldn't get him back off.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you call and say, hey, this is Adam Corolla from Crank Anchors or just, hey, man.

[Adam Carolla]

We would usually move ahead. We would usually move ahead with. We would, we would move ahead with the calls and have like the secretary chick call back. Like, oh, that was. Where's the party? That was really funny. We're doing a show called and stuff like that. Hope they went for it. On occasion, you know, I'd come back and be like, this guy won't do it. You want to call him? And then I'd probably lost him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you offered him a carton of Marlboros for his daughter.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's thought three year old.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I did. I did a CD once. I have one cd. Just because I don't really believe in putting a. Out, like, come to a fucking show. What are you gonna. You gonna sit at home and listen to me in a club?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, maybe. I mean, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anyway, it's out there, the cd, don't buy It. And what's the name?

[Adam Carolla]

So people know not to buy it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't buy it. You literally can't. Off. I took it off the Internet, if you have one. I'm sorry. All right, And. But at the end, I added all these prank calls that I'd made, and I didn't get any clearances. They're literally like a naming company on the cd. It's like real. I call the Vietnamese architect, and I told him that I had adopted a Vietnamese child and that he's loud. And I want them to build a small dog house in the backyard for the boy, just to see if I could get him do it. And his line the whole time was, anything possible. But I would describe more and more horrific things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he just kept going. Anything possible. But my CD has the name of the company. It's got all kinds of people. I didn't clear anything. I just put it out and started selling it.

[Adam Carolla]

You start to realize at a certain point there's only so much law enforcement, so many people in law enforcement, and they're working on RICO Acts and things like that. And you're just. You're. You're way down their list.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Starting March 5, an ordinance goes into effect that will require porn performers to wear condoms while on location. So there's a debate right now. Debate between people that want, you know, adult film stars to be wearing condoms and feel like that will keep them safe, and then the people who feel like that is going against their freedom to make the kind of movies you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And Greg, you have some knowledge of this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Actually, one of my very dear friends is the head of the std, part of the health Department here in California. And this has been his big. He's been spearheading this, and so to speak, he's been coming on the faces of this legislation for a while. And the point is really that they're not going to flee la. They're going to flee. Then it'll go there, then it'll go there. And it's like any law, it's gotta start somewhere. But the truth is if you were to go to another workplace where your life was put in danger because of work conditions, it's illegal, it's a legal job. You either have to say prostitution is like a snuff film, you find it, it's from Germany, or you say this is legal to watch, so therefore it's subject to any other laws of commerce.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sort of torn on this one because I, and I'm sort, one hand, it's sort of like I'll get the fucking government out of everything. Just let people do it. On the other hand, yeah, they have all that bullshit o stuff where if you're working you got to wear a net on your hair and your beard and all that stuff. But then half that stuff is ridiculous. Like if you climb up more than two steps on an a frame ladder, you have to put a harness on and shit all that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're not taking it up the ass from a guy that's had 20,000 partners when you're on the ladder. Well, you could have aids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but still you don't know that. See how that works? Almost any application I know, if you're

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

short one step on the ladder, you don't get. Well, that's how you get them up there. You get a little.

[Adam Carolla]

The other, you know, the other thing. Is the gay porn industry somewhat sort of self regulates, like in the gay porn world, you need a condom because you're gonna get aids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just the opposite. There's no laws for gay porn at all.

[Adam Carolla]

All. But they do use condoms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was about to ask the

[Allison Rosen]

cc, have you guys been watching different movies?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The ones that I see very often, the men, it looks, it looks like a condom, but it's actually just semen. They in the sh.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never mind.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I, I, there's no.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

By and large I agree with the sort of, you know, other businesses are regulated argument. On the other hand, and it's the sort of thing where, where does it end? You know what I mean? I mean, how much intrusion is government, how deep, how deep are they gonna penetrate?

[Brian Bishop]

Slippery slope argument.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Guy wants to watch some porn, two people are coked up and want to do it, everyone's getting paid. Tough shit. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it and Look, I mean, she ran away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's her fault.

[Adam Carolla]

There are a lot of jobs that have inherent danger in them, and they try to make them safe. They do tests. Testing in porn. You're not gonna win over any fans.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the test. Well, look, believe me, I hosted the porn awards twice, but the testing they do. There's one woman who has an agency. She's not even a doctor, and it's the only place they get tested. And the porn stars pay. Have to pay for it themselves. So you're getting paid a grand, and you're spending 500 on the test for them because what other job would you go to where you got to pay for your own? Well, I guess healthcare.

[Adam Carolla]

We all do that. Podcasting. All right, it's just this. I agree in principle. On the other hand, if people. If it's just gonna jobs are just gonna leave the state because people want to see porn that doesn't involve condoms. Although, as I've said to bald Bryan, the great pitcher Jim Abbott would have a move. If you do watch porn where there is condoms, that condom goes flying off at a certain point, but you. Yeah, before the cookie gets dusted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The cream pie is illegal, but the bukkake shot, even with this new laws, is fine. You can take it off and do what God intended, you know, make her go home on the bus, disgraced and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. And there are a lot of guys who can do what Jim Abbott, the pitcher, they used to have one arm, could do with the baseball mitt, which is have that condom off and have the jizz sailing without in one motion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, and a good porn star can get the condom under her eyes, catching the tears just after the bukkake shot,

[Adam Carolla]

and then snap her on the ass with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stab her on the ass with her own tears.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's a story about what to do if you're ever trapped in an avalanche.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's watch. There it goes. There's no arm. The mitt goes right onto that good arm before the ball crosses home plate. Look at this move. It's on the stub, then pouts right on there. And this is him in high school. By the time he got into pros, it's one smooth motion.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, he had the mitt on his penis so fast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a good pro career, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Throwing a hitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Threw a no hitter. There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

So Weekend Avalanche claimed the lives of three skiers in Washington state.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't you hate to be Jim Abbott's kid. Like here's what I'm talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad's a one armed pitcher, throw no hitter. And he's just. Whether it's like, oh dad, this algebra homework is so hard. Harder than throwing a no hitter with one arm. Dad, there's so many leaves in this yard, I can't rake them all in one day. It's too much. It's too hard. Harder than throwing a no hitter with one arm. Yeah, that, that's what raking those leaves. There's no fucking complaining. There's nothing. I will hit you with my stub.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there's only one guy that could

[Adam Carolla]

ever relate to him and that is Tom Dempsey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nope. 1972 Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher threw a no hitter.

[Allison Rosen]

Wouldn't it be great while on acid.

[Adam Carolla]

A while on acid. Oh, what's his name?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the fucking Doc Ellis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doc Ellis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's the only other guy that can truly relate to Jim Abbott.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because they threw real no hitters.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Either on acid or limbless.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Tom Dempsey had the. Had the nub for foot and nub for an arm. Who kicked in the NFL. Still tied for the record by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

63 yards.

[Allison Rosen]

You had to have a nub. Where would be your preferred nub placement?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have it be my non throwing arm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, what are you throwing these days?

[Adam Carolla]

Number one one fits mainly over food showing up cold at expensive restaurants, that kind of stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you want the strong arm when you're.

[Adam Carolla]

I want the good arm for that. Yeah, yeah. So I'd go, I'd definitely go weak arm. You know what I mean? That's me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw a guy with one of those spring loaded legs and I was a little jealous on Wilshire the other day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, I'll take one of those, the carbon fiber ones.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's half the effort. You know, you want to go run, you're going to go twice as far.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys, the way the technology's going, these guys and these like Paralympic games and stuff, these guys are fucking running their asses off. I mean they're doing 100 meters and just. It's not, it's off of Olympic time, but it's not that much off Olympic time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh no, it's better now. It'll be better.

[Adam Carolla]

It will be better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Eventually it'll be like Special Olympics. Olympics and then Paralympics.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And the guys that are doing. I was talking to a guy the other day was trying to book a guy on a wheelchair over here and, and the guy does the wheel. I said what's he do the marathon in? Cause he does marathons in a wheelchair. And he goes, I don't know, 47 minutes. And I'm like, wait a minute. And he's like, oh, yeah, it is 31 miles an hour. It's like, oh, yeah, he's in a wheelchair. He's got wheels. He's doing a marathon. Somebody find me. What? I don't know if it's 51 minutes. Someone find me the record in a wheelchair. These guys are covering 26.2 miles or whatever it is, is in under an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but without a drink, how are you going to get that little Dixie cup?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you're going by 70 miles an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can't absorb it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, could you imagine?

[Allison Rosen]

You have to have someone in a wheelchair handing them out.

[Adam Carolla]

We got to get a Kenyan in a wheelchair just to dust these guys off. Because that's what's keeping them alive right now. Somebody get a Kenyan out to Iraq. Get one of those guys in country to step on a bouncing paddy. That'd be the worst, I mean, the worst news ever. Like, all the guys are sitting around in the paddock just right, ready to smoke everyone else who's running the Olympics, all the able bodied people. And then all of a sudden, a Kenyan just rolls in. Yeah, just rolls. Wicker, wheelchair, old school wicker. Like insane asylum, turn of the century, you know, just wicker. And I was like, oh, fuck, there's a barefoot guy. He's got one barefoot. Oh, we're gonna get smoked by a canyon. That'd be the greatest thing ever. Like if they just said, look, we're gonna take one canyon, we're gonna cut his leg off and we're gonna have him dominate in this, in this arena too. It'd be awesome, you blue eyes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it'll be like, it'll be like how the white guys felt in golf when Tiger showed up.

[Adam Carolla]

Minute, minute, eight. I'm sorry. Hour, 18 minutes. And some guy told me it's like 51 or something. So he lied. That's 04, by the way. Should have beat it by now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, how do you feel about the guy who wanted to play PGA golf and they. He had to take a cart because of David Duval.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah. They're like, well, you can't take a cart. And it's like, first off, your sport is a sport where a hot chick wearing cycling shorts comes by in a buggy and I can buy Corona's offer in the middle of the sport. Like, what other sport is there where somewhere in the middle of a sport, a hot chick comes by with a golf cart and a cooler in the back of it. It's like you want a couple Heinekens or Miller Lights and like, that's not a sport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My mom used to have a plunger on the top of her putter so she didn't have to bend over and pick up the ball from the hole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's not a sport. Not a sport. So let him take that. Let him take the motherfucking golf cart. I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

Apropos to your question about if you'd rather have a nub on your hand or your foot. As one who's had limited use of both a hand and a foot, you definitely want both hands. You definitely want both hands working both hands. I can't tell you how I went the longest time not eating steak. You can't cut steak with a, with a mechanical or nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, think about with that and eating hamburgers. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Typing. Well, you don't do typing, but you know, there's a lot of out there that you need.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet the cows wished you just had the one hand.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good point. It's bad for cows.

[Adam Carolla]

Two hands that good for steak or, or burgers, sandwiches or pot.

[Brian Bishop]

Roast beef.

[Adam Carolla]

Roast beef. All the cow. Cow related.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what? Paul Brian just did, by the way? We're Jim Abbott's kids right now. He just. Jim Abbotted us.

[Adam Carolla]

He Abbotted us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He came back from brain cancer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Double Abbot at us. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One absolute Abbott. Yeah. One up and Abbott.

[Brian Bishop]

You've seen the real sports. So they do like the guys who. The, the softball league and they have like one leg and they got the bouncy thing. You can do anything with one leg.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And not only can you do anything with one leg, there's a guy who will pick you up in a van and give you a uniform and they, they, they will work their schedule around you and your one good leg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then you get that good spot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Parking wise, there was always like, I always wondered about like the SOCA pet of the. Those Paralympics. But like the competition must be in the parking lot for those two spots. That's where it gets really.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. The Paralympics. Well, you know what they need to do? As I was thinking about it, and this is like one of those things that everyone think I'm a bigger douchebag over, but there's certain things, like I go the Home Depot down the street. The Home depot always has 20 handicapped parking cars.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you about to shit up?

[Adam Carolla]

I am going to do it. No, here's what I'm saying. The Home Depot has 20 open hands.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes you start a bit and I feel like in the Olympics you should like a dive has like a 4.8 difficulty level. Right now I'm giving this a 9.3 difficulty level. Adam Carolla, right now on the couch.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going to make sense. I'm going to bring it around. The Home depot has always 20 open handicapped parking spaces because there's probably not a whole lot of one legged roofers, you know what I'm saying? But if you go down to the Costco, they'll be filled up because there are people who are handicapped who go to the Costco. So somebody ought to do some sort of algorithm that says, look, home improvement supply places don't need the same ratio that supermarkets have or that clothing stores have or whatever has. And someone should figure that out and factor it in.

[Allison Rosen]

Because right now, bike shop, how many does that have?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right now we just do some kind of square footage thing where it's like you have X amount of square feet, you have X amount of parking spaces. And 5% of your parking space or 7% of your parking space must be dedicated to this. But there are certain ones that are always empty, like said bike shop, health club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, zero. Right. And Home Depot. Home Depot versus. Right. So figure it out. Give a few more spaces to the supermarket and. Or the hospital.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're talking about a zero sum game. There's X number of handicap spots in a city.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm talking about an efficiency game, which is. The Home depot doesn't need 20. Maybe the Costco needs 25 and the Home Depot needs 15.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dairy Queen. How many do they get?

[Adam Carolla]

Two and a half. Half?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that a bike for a bike?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A handicap bike.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Brian Cranston]

That was the news with Allison Rose Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. We thought we'd play a little Allison's. Alice is gonna make a good move there.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

We thought we'd play a little something called what can Adam complain About? There's a mic stand that's bothering me right now. Oh, somebody. Somebody's gonna move that.

[Allison Rosen]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You're starting to make a move. But I wasn't sure if it was the right one. One or not. Ah, there we go. Thank you. I should tell you about my good friends and we'll do what can am Complain about. Fitz dog. You play along. These are things that people shouldn't have to. Things that I couldn't complain about, but I can find a way about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Familiar with the bit?

[Adam Carolla]

You know the bit? Stamps.com. oh, yeah. Going to the post office. Oh, so tiring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's getting worse because there's less and less of the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm not sure where the handicap. A lot of handicapped parking over there at the post office. See? Don't need it over at the Home Depot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but the post. Can't you just mail the shit to them?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can now with Stamps.com. stamps.com. They're gonna save you time. They're gonna save you money. You have a home office. Do you not grateful samples?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We use stamps.com over here because we have an office here. And you can print postage right from your own computer. It sounds weird. It sounds almost illegal, but it's not. See, that's what you want. What you want are things that sound illegal, but they're not. Like, you go, I can't believe someone lets you do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If they're on money.com, that would be right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, she looks 18, but she's 25.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you want. They got a deal, a special no risk trial. So what you do is you print postage right, from your printer at home in your computer, and they give you a scale. So you weigh your parcels and you do it and you get it exactly. Exactly to the penny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But what if I don't have a scale?

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, they'll provide you with a digital scale and 55 bucks. Free postage only if you enter Adam in the promo code. And then you see, I like this part because the mailman goes, hey, man, I got your 26 penny savers and your huge yellow pages. And you go, hey, I got something for you, brother. And you hand him back a sack of shit. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With your hand. With your hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Fair play. My good hand.

[Brian Cranston]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Go to stamps.com. click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Adam, that is stamps.com promo code. Adam, this is such a great product. Stamps dot com. All right, shall we play here? The world is full of it, and one man can complain about it all. This is what can't Adam complain about. All right, you guys emailed these. Tweeted them in. I guess you tweeted them in. Let's see. Unemployed mba, homemade lasagna. Let's see. How can I complain about homemade well, here's how I can complain about it. I have not had it in 15 years. Only the shitty Stouffer's variety. You think the fucking homemade lasagna? Really? Like, I think if somebody said no homemade lasagna, half the marriages would just. People go, fuck it. I'm not doing it. Because to me, that's what I pictured like I pictured in marriage would be like, listen, you're paying for private school, you're paying the mortgage, you're going to lease her a car, you're going to pay for gas, you're going to pay for medical, you're going to pay for everything. But at the end of a long, hard week, you know what you're going to get? Get a plate of homemade lasagna. Well, you know what? I've held up my end of the bargain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure have.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Hand to God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand to God, good. Hand to God, not stump to God, Hand to God. I've held up my thing and what do I get? I get the weird mini Stouffer thing. Not quite one portion. Not quite a pan, you know, I mean, it's like a little more than one, but not quite. It's that weird in between.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this two people or one really stone guy? That's why.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want my homemade because you know what I like? I like that Pyrex glass thing where it gets weird and crispy at the end. Kind of hard and weird.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, like jerky lasagna at the end, but then you get to the moist, gooey part in the middle. That's what I like a lasagna a lot like the prime rib, you know, you can go for the end cut or you can go for the nice, beautiful, moist, delicious, delectable center cut. I want some goddamn homemade lasagna.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Talk about the leftovers a couple days later.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know what you do? I reanimate it like Dr. Frankenstein. I sprinkle a little water on it like a Merlin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By hand?

[Adam Carolla]

Just by hand? Oh, yeah, the good hand. I don't have my assistant do this. I take my good hand and I sprinkle a little water on it. I put a paper plate over it to capture a little the stick steam. Then in the microwave. For how long? 2 minutes and 22 seconds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Efficient. Yep, efficient.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have to pick my finger up and hit the 20222 right there and it reanimates it. I'll even lick the weird that stuck to the paper plate after it bubbled up like that.

[Allison Rosen]

He Uses all parts of lasagna.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you can judge a culture and a society by the lasagna being made at home. And I say in the 50s, there's a hell a of a lot more lasagna going around this country. A hell of a lot more.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, am I allowed to talk of the. And I don't want to pile on Lynette. Actually, I do want to pile on. Are you not married to a guinea

[Adam Carolla]

full blooded Italian hat?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is. And you've held up your end.

[Adam Carolla]

I pay for everything. Even the frozen lasagna.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you should go down to every supermarket your wife shops at Whole Foods and tell them that she has blocked frozen lasagnas. She's blocked illegal for her to use

[Adam Carolla]

the credit card to purchase the fly zone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

There could be a little flyer behind the cash register of a picture of Lynette and a picture of frozen lasagna with a circle and a slash.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you. I don't want to get into the slippery slope part. But before you know it, she's out in the alley. Look at turning tricks. Looking for lasagna. Guy pulls up my primered van. He's a lasagna candyman. Gives her a little sample just to hook her. Just a little little sample. When it tastes more. Get in the back of the van. You know the game, sweetie. Zipper goes down. See this? That's where this is going to end.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You come home, she's got a little white something in the corner and a little red something in the other.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Right. Said provolone. What is that?

[Brian Bishop]

That's not ricotta.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Someone's been eating oatmeal cookies down at the junior high again. I just thought it'd be a life of homemade lasagna. That's all you make. That pan of lasagna lasts four months

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

if you do it right. What I hate is when the wife makes one fucking family portion. And it's like you went through all that effort. All you have to do bigger pan.

[Brian Cranston]

Same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Same activity of your hand. Same cooking time. Now we got two, three meals.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're going to complain about cooking me a second meal. This make it. I like the leftovers better. The lasagna tastes better two days later.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? There should be. There should be. Forget about the Stouffer's weird size one. That again. It's either for one stone fat guy or two people that aren't that hungry. Like that. Weird. It's five and a half by five And a half have. It's not really. There should just be one go for broke in Pyrex. You return the Pyrex for deposit, you bring it back, it's 18 bucks. You get your money back on your next tray twice a month. You buy it in the Pyrex and it's like. So your marriage has gone to lasagna company. We're selling your full tray.

[Allison Rosen]

Freezer wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, freezer wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She is. The expectation that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we're not pretending.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cards are on the table.

[Adam Carolla]

We're busy. We're busy, busy people. We're beyond the lasagna point. It's beyond. We're beyond the honeymoon and lasagna point of our relationship. Sweetie, we're moving on. You got a busy life. You're dealing with the kids. I'm dealing with the podcast. We're gonna go, we're gonna put the 18 deposit down in the Pyrex. We're gonna get this huge fat family style lasagna from Whole foods. Gonna be $152. I'll be happy. I don't care. I don't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At this point, it's similar to the Vitzimons double massage. Me and the wife, we get massages the same place, same time. Come home, have sex, no foreplay. They did it for us. We don't have time.

[Adam Carolla]

They rubbed it right out of you. I like that. All right. Breakfast in bed. Well, let's not go there. I mean, unless you're talking about breakfast, barn, bed, or an actual breakfast. Because that. That I've never experienced before. Fourth of July fireworks. Fourth of July fireworks. I enjoy the bejesus out of. I will say this. We have not moved ahead technologically in fireworks, in the fireworks department in about 2,000 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you say we, you mean the Chinese.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean the Chinese. I feel like the Chinese maybe a thousand years ago would look up into the sky and even with their limited vision, see exactly what we see now standing on our beautifully manicured golf courses in 2012. I want someone that's taken a next step. And believe me, I've seen this smiling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's going to be Jeremy Lynch.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeremy Lynch's gonna do it. I've seen the smiley face. I'm not blown away by it. I'm just saying fireworks. And by the way, you've made them safer. That doesn't mean shit to me. Because the best part about the evening news is the fireworks display gone bad. When the barge catches on fire and the shit starts going everywhere and everyone's running, running and shit's flying everywhere. I like that part. So the safety part. You've taken away half the show for me. Everything's computerized now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The whole point is to replicate a war.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my good. That. That's the point. That's. That's how we wrote the song.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Limbs bursting it in air.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is this. Fireworks no different for 1,000 years. And I say it's time to step it up or crank up the danger like. Like when we were growing up. And there'd be the one guy in the jumpsuit with no undershirt and unzipped to his navel, holding a paps tall boy running the thing like lighting it with a tipperello. Like that guy. Not everything. Hooked up to a computer and wearing safety goggles in some kind of smoke free zone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what I'm saying? There's a tube. They're putting in a tube.

[Adam Carolla]

Just throwing in a trash can. Just throwing in a trash can. Order.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, you know, here's what we do. We're worried about the Chinese open overtaking us as, you know, as a world economic power. Here's what we do. You know, sometimes the cops are chasing you in a good movie. You turn around and you go at the cops. We make better fireworks than the Chinese. We start shipping them to China.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fucks them up.

[Adam Carolla]

Their heads are spinning, they'll explode. They don't spin, they explode.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'll make them explode.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. Into a smiley face. All right, last one. El Mambo Blanco says Predator drones. Well, I love Predator drones because there's just nothing better than a guy sitting in a Sears gardening shed in Iowa taking out one of the guys in the deck of cards for the Al Qaeda deck of cards. And taking. And it's one of the royal flush guys too. Just sitting back. A guy was playing video games in high 10 years earlier with his grandma yelling, you'll never mount to anything. Playing those video games. And he just took out Sheikh Khalid Mohammed Comet with a fucking joystick. I love that shit. Unfortunately, it's gonna spawn a bunch of bad movies in the next five to eight years. Predator Drone that takes on a life of its own. The Predator drone that can communicate with other Predator drones with the rogue satellite, that one scene at the end of act. And the evil defense contractor who's saying like someone goes, you're going with inferior materials on the chip. Don't worry. What could go wrong. And he laughs and takes a hit off his cigar. And then smash cut to the part where the four star general always to testing. Yeah. Let me say this. I've seen enough movies. Army don't test anything. No, I've seen enough. It never goes well. They were like, well, that was awesome. Sign us up for a thousand units. We're going back to our hotel now. Oh, no. Never works. Never.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Not been one movie. You tell me the percentage. Movies where they test something for the army and it goes swimmingly. Or movies where there's a blind chick and her dog starts growling at a guy, comes to the apartment and turns out the dog was all wrong. He was just a nice neighbor. Wanted to help out. Turns out to be at the light.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm stuck. You got stuck. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's good enough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And yeah, it.

[Josh Gardner]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

That was. What can't Adam complain about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I don't want to put a. I don't want to trail this bit off, Adam, because you nailed it. So let's just stop there. I mean, I had something.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But now you rang the bell and the thing and I'm sitting here going like,

[Adam Carolla]

no, now I feel like I'm

[Allison Rosen]

having sex with you without a massage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, here's what it was. Here's what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. Yeah. I feel like I'm eating cold lasagna while you guys are fucking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's, it's, it's. I'm not using my good hand. It's really about, you know, with it, with the drone, is that I think the government realized the schools are failing. How can we possibly make these kids do something? So they built the drones, work backwards, introduce the video games. It's all we got. We got a pipeline of fucking ADHD kids hardwired to blow up foreigners.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But don't tell them we have nothing else. All they know is these fucking kids are good Americans. They got a new generation, they're sharp. You should see what they do with the drones.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't tell them they can't do anything else.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Which we cannot. We can't manufacture anything. We can't do anything. But we can work that joystick. Greg Fitzsimmons, by the way. And you can, you can find out any date that Greg's doing by going to Fitz with a zone fitzdog.com and you can Twitter him at Greg Fitzshow, if you will. Good guy, funny guy. Stand up guy. Always like the Fitz dog. Bill Maher on the show. One on one. The elusive Bill Maher. Tomorrow. Amazon, baby. Love you guys with the Amazon click throughs. Love you, love you, love you. Keep it going. We're using all the money to build the new studios back there. It's beautiful. And it's all because instead of just going to Amazon, you guys click through AdamCroll.com and hit the Amazon banner. Thanks for keeping the pirate ship afloat. Love you. So until next time, Adam Kroll for Bold Bryan, Greg Fitzsimmons and Allison Rosen. Oh, and Josh Gardiner saying mahalo. Let's pick up some chicks at the cinema and not get hard.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming at you with everything we got.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the mindset.

[Adam Carolla]

Free. This is the mantra.

[Josh Gardner]

Free.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

This is the with movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the fairly odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful, helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right, Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Adam Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

We're coming at you with everything we got.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the mindset.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Free.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the mantra.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

This is the with movies like Pineapple Express, the entire Star Trek film franchise and Gladiator, and TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Fairly Odd Parents and Ghosts, Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

All right, there was 762 with Greg Fitzsimmons, Josh Gardner, Allison and Brad Brian from 2012. Coming up next, we have another episode from 2012 Adam Carilla show 772, Brian Cranston in studio along with Allison and Brian. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald Brian. Oh, I need to have a special bra made for men. And good day, Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we just got a call from Cranston. He is on his way. He knows his way around the valley. Born and bred in the valley. So we'll be bringing him on in just a couple of few.

[Brian Bishop]

Good guy, nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, solid.

[Allison Rosen]

So dreamy.

[Adam Carolla]

Dreamy and solid. Solid is go to meeting. Go to meeting with HD faces.

[Brian Bishop]

Awfully solid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Brought to you by Citrix. By the way, you can look your compadre in the eye. Maybe it's not all just a bunch of friends. Maybe it's a steely eyed glare you get. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Could be flinty. I don't know what that means, but I feel like it's not good.

[Adam Carolla]

I would get Cranston to say he headed up my company and then put a script in front of him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Why are people not hiring people to be them? On GoToMeeting.

[Adam Carolla]

And he'd say a lot of stuff like, no dice, you know what I mean? Like, because we had, you know, when someone wanted. Someone wanted to take us over. And he'd say, yeah, I'm Adam Carolla. And Adam Carolla doesn't roll over in bed for less than 50k. And then he'd squint again. Again. You know, him walk up with a cane. An ivory cane, right. Big ivory snake or something on the top of it. Yeah. I'm saying, if you're gonna do go to meeting, why have your big fat head sitting there going, I don't know, I gotta ask my wife.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Why not have some guy like Cranston in character, leather vest?

[Allison Rosen]

Because you don't want it to be like. Yeah, the minute I saw his face, I knew. Push over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Some guy, you know, some guy with a nice chiseled face and a buzzkill cut. Maybe Arlee Ermey. You can't handle me, son.

[Brian Bishop]

This is my app.

[Adam Carolla]

Your last easy day was yesterday. Yeah, just start screaming at the guys. Anyway, go to meeting. That's what I would do. Scumbag. Why, why put your, you know, sort

[Allison Rosen]

of, you know, sensitive, soft face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, kind of. A lot of. A lot of circulating estrogen running through his body. Why have that guy sitting there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then. And then the guy on the other side of the media.

[Allison Rosen]

Broken capillaries on his nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was gonn this alcoholic. 25%. But now it's 15% after seeing him.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're so ugly you can be a modernist.

[Allison Rosen]

Unless you're really selling. Go to meeting today.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to meeting. You can try it out for free. That's right. Free for 30 days. Cranston's gonna cost you. But go to meeting. Free for 30 days.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you save money for Cranston.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Use the promo code, Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and enter the promo code. And I'm positive that if you. You were trying to get a meeting done and you had some good looking guy, that chiseled face, one scar in the right place that people could imagine, maybe it was fisticuffs. Maybe. Maybe it was a sword fight.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Jealous ex lover.

[Allison Rosen]

And when you asked where he got the scar, he just kind of. He'd become even more shifty and taciturn.

[Adam Carolla]

None of your beeswax. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe he'd throw in. I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you line that we all hate so much but would be effective. Alrighty. I found out some people were tweeting me today that good news and bad news. Good news is I was the answer to a Jeopardy question for I think the second time in a year or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm the question to an answer.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, well, someone just tweeted us that. I have it right here in front of me, but it was the $2,000 question. By the way, that's the hardest one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is it the hardest one?

[Brian Bishop]

It's the highest value at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's bad. Then it should. Easy. Makes you more popular. Popular. Like if we were talking about George Clooney, it'd be the hundred dollar question.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, Mr. Brightside.

[Brian Bishop]

But it depends on the category and the.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's more prestigious.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's cool.

[Brian Bishop]

But unless you're. No self esteem coming through.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I'll give you my low self esteem. No one got the answer.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's bad. That's bad. The first time I did it, somebody. I was the answer. Somebody buzzed in. I don't know what happened this time. Oh, I think. Think it was Famous Adams or something like that. That was the first time. Yeah, it was like Adam Sandler and Adam Rich from all the. Whatever the fan show was. Eight is enough.

[Allison Rosen]

And this was according to the person who tweeted me sweet lil films.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Unless the person was joking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, the Question is, the Hammer is a knockout film with this ex loveline and man show host.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no one's heard of the Hammer, so they got that, screwed them up. But they could have done the man show, probably. Although I watch those shows. I've watched Jeopardy. On my way to the Simpsons. I stop sometimes and I. And I. And I see them and I have no idea because they'll do continents and they'll do, you know, capitals and they'll do Russian czars and stuff like that. I just sit there dumbfounded. And then every once in a while they go, what 1976 Woody Allen movie was named after this city? Like Manhattan? It's like nobody guessed. No, no, no, no. So when it comes to that, as a matter of fact, that's how they know about all the czars for the most part. And usually they have a great, well rounded game. But I sat there and have watched. I've not even tried to venture a guess in five questions. And then they got to something on TV or something in the movies and was astounded that those three didn't even venture a guess on somebody's sake.

[Allison Rosen]

No, because they've been reading about Pangea and other nerdy things.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Brian Cranston]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. Gonna find that spot on you one day, sweetie.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's a myth. It's like the lost continent of Atlantis.

[Adam Carolla]

Pangea. All righty. Mike Dawson, by the way, is doing a solo acoustic performance this Thursday in Seattle. So you can come out, check him out and you'll see us on Friday. I waited for you, man. Yeah, it's the Connor. Is that. Did she call that Burn Burn. Connor Burn Pub. That's right. Right. It's 5140 Ballard Avenue. And you can. Can you go online and go to Connor Byrne? I think you can go to connor burnpub.com. yeah. C O N O R B Y R N E. Find out times. Might you do more than one show? Just gonna do one show with another friend of mine named Ian Jones is gonna play a solo acoustic show and then there's two full bands. No, I'm singing, I'm playing music.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it'll be fun.

[Brian Cranston]

There's two full bands and then two solo acoustic performances. Music starts at 8:30.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. And that is 8:30 this Thursday. All right. Me and Dennis Prager. An important show I would call important. Usually it's a lot of laughs, but this one was interesting and important up on our website if you want to check that out.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And definitely not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Soon to come to ice. A lot of laughs in there, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of laughs.

[Adam Carolla]

You said usually. Usually. All right, should we do a little news? And we'll wait for Cranston to come

[Brian Cranston]

in the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

up, she'll sign it off with zip it, can't you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yesterday was Super Tuesday. As we record this, the results have not all come back, but so far we know that Gingrich won Georgia and Romney won Virginia and Vermont.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's not just Super Tuesday. It's also Oreo's 100th birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Hundred years of the Oreo, which I personally die. It's a very overrated cookie. Die.

[Adam Carolla]

Wildly overrated. If she die, it'd be nice. Maybe they'll get Oreo AIDS and just die. Double stuffed. Double stuffed without a condom. It's fucking. They're horrible cookies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they're. They're some sort of.

[Allison Rosen]

I believe you and I agree on this because we have different feelings about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, normally you're wrong. In this case, you happen to be right on.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oreo is in the cookie department. You know, it doesn't make the top 25. And it's one of these things where in cookies, once you get down to 25, you start up at the top again. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't need to. You don't need to keep going that deep into. Into Cookieville.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no reason for you to eat your 31st favorite cookie. You'll just go right back to peanut butter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's like, all right, so maybe you've topped off on the oatmeal. So, fine, you go to peanut butter, and then you go. You go to chocolate chip. But by the time you're done with the chocolate chips, not that you're eating a baker's dozen every day, but at a certain point, you just go back up to the top again. That. But Oreo does not make the top 25 for you and me.

[Allison Rosen]

But for a lot of people, they

[Adam Carolla]

rank it number one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

They're idiots.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. What is it they like about it? The sort of tasteless, dark.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a hard, chunky thing. Or that lardy middle.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Larding middle is.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, we've. Well, first off, we've convinced people there's a way to eat them, which means it's bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Every frigging article I found about this was like, dip it, dunk it twisted, twist it, lick it. Which way do you eat it?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yes. Nobody ever does that with prime rib. Like, here's how you can. If you know what you. Okay. You don't like prime rib. Not if you're on monkey bars. If you're on some monkey bars.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And you had a friendly chimpanzee with you, and you're. And you're watching.

[Allison Rosen]

You had it on a train.

[Adam Carolla]

You're watching porn. You would love. You don't do that with food. If you gotta start apologizing for the food by. Oh, you could dunk it in this and then do that with it, and then spread it apart and then twist it and then whatever. If you're getting a blowjob while you're dunking it and some mocha coffee.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, right. If two things are being dunked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's it. It's just the fucking cooking. The cookie's weak. It's a weak cookie.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a bad cookie. Strong.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just that. Yeah. The outer part's a little too bitter, the inner parts a little too lardy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. Look, if we were all out of cookies, if we. You know, everything that Petridge Farms is. Is better, right? Everything except for the trefoils the Girl Scouts offer. And even trefoils is a picture push is better. And again, we have to start working in what you're dunking it into or sipping it or washing it down with. You're fucked. They're bad. And the idea that they'll take this cookie, that's fair to middling at best, and start working it into ice cream and working it as a yogurt topping and all that is nothing shy of a crime. Nothing shy of a crime.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a crime against humanity.

[Adam Carolla]

It really is. It's a horrible cookie.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? A little bit of insight into this, though. It's 100 years old. Like, think of a human who's 100 years old. You don't expect much vitality. No, you wouldn't want to eat them. They would taste like Polysporin.

[Adam Carolla]

They're the Nicole Richie of cookies. Never has someone done so much with so little. Like, there's just nothing there. There's nothing. There's no reason. They don't sing, they don't dance, they don't model. They're not.

[Allison Rosen]

But maybe in 1912, they were. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but it's done.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No more with the Oreos, you idiots.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, but if only it were no more. They have a special limited edition birthday Oreo coming out, which is. It says Oreo 100 on the wafer part. And then it has icing and sprinkles inside.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just like the worst. Peanut butter cookie is better than the best, freshest Oreo. Like, I could.

[Allison Rosen]

You're get a lot of hate mail for this, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you retards with your fucking Oreos. They're horrible, horrible cookies.

[Allison Rosen]

They're passionate about them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, the only thing good about it is the ethnic connotation that they spawn, you know, later on. That's really the only thing that saves them, in my mind. The offensive ethnic slur that came from them. Other than that. This is Neapolitan. Yeah. That's the only saving grace. This is the Neapolitan ice cream of cookies. Like, unnecessary. Who needs it? Gone. Gone with you. Make room on the ship shelves for real cookies. I would take the worst. I would take generic peanut butter cookies over one that rolled off of the conveyor belt at the Oreo factory and into my mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

I would say, what were you doing at the factory?

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Some guys hate them so much.

[Adam Carolla]

I know guys.

[Allison Rosen]

I would take a Nilla Wafer over an Oreo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would. And Nilla wafers aren't. Aren't much.

[Allison Rosen]

No, they aren't.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

So advertising every time the word wafer is involved, it's bad times, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Communion wafer, Necco wafer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's just. It's basically saying, when you hear wafer, it's hearing, lower your expectations.

[Allison Rosen]

What other wafers are there?

[Adam Carolla]

Do not dream. Do not dream. Too high. This is just a wafer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Sustenance, and barely even that. So advertisers aren't the only ones pulling their products from the Rush Limbaugh show. After learning that his song Sledgehammer was played during Limbaugh's rant, a spokesperson for Peter Gabriel released the following statement. Peter was appalled to learn that his music was linked to Rush Limbaugh's extraordinary attack on Sandra Fluke. It is obvious from anyone that really appalled.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel like I've been appalled or outraged. I've never been outraged or appalled. I've been pissed off and I've been tired.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. I've been annoyed and I've been. Yet sleepy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've been annoyed, sleepy and horny. But I've never Been appalled.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been bloated and I've had a headache.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, girl talking. My feet. Yeah, yeah. But I've never been appalled or. Now I know. I think that's one of those buzzwords that publicists use.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Because the first to put a lot of distance between.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The Peter Gabriel thing is sort of like this. It's like. It's. Is he English? Yeah. Here's how it works. You be the publicist and you tell

[Allison Rosen]

me, are you being Peter Gabriel?

[Adam Carolla]

Peter Gabriel.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. I'm telling you that your song was. You. Okay. Well, I have some outrageous news. Your song Sledgehammer was used in the background. I'm sorry? Your masterpiece, Sledgehammer was used in the background of right wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh.

[Adam Carolla]

I know who that is.

[Allison Rosen]

You know Rush Limbaugh. He's sort of heavyset.

[Adam Carolla]

I live in Chichester.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. But here in America, this is a. This is a very devastating blow to your inner.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he in.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, he's. He's a radio host.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Right wing.

[Adam Carolla]

So what happened?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he was talking about this woman and he called her a slut.

[Adam Carolla]

Do people not like it or. They like it?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they didn't actually talk about your song.

[Adam Carolla]

No. But the woman. Is it good?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's controversial.

[Allison Rosen]

It's awful. Everyone's talking about it and everyone's listening to it, and it could be bad for your.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Then tell him it's not good.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Is it okay if I just kind of work? Just. I'll just finesse this.

[Adam Carolla]

Do what I pay for.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

It is obvious from anyone that knows

[Adam Carolla]

Peter's work, that's how that conversation went down. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And then I invoice for $10,000. It is obvious from anyone that knows Peter's work that he would never approve such a use. Has he expressed this in some of his other earlier works?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. He's an artist. I don't need to hear. I don't need to hear Sledgehammer ever again. And it's not a bad song.

[Allison Rosen]

No. He has asked his representatives to make sure his music is withdrawn. And especially from these unfair, aggressive and ignorant comments.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember when Chrissy Hines from the Pretenders was on the radio show Bald Brian and we had to tell her that it's her going back to Ohio song, which is one of their shittiest bump in songs. It's like only their. Only Rush Limbaugh's like, only bump in song for 15 years was a Pretender. Song, and she seemed to have no real opinion about it because it's actually good. Because if you're trying to sell records, you're getting your hook spun every single day to an audience of, you know, millions. And that's a good thing because people, heads or not. Yeah, ditto. Head's got computers. I can go to itunes and buy year. It's back to Ohio, I think, which is one of. I love the Pretenders and I hate that song. It's like Rush Limbaugh so dumb that he could. He'd take the worst Pretender song and play the worst hook from the worst Pretender song.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, now he's playing a hook from. Was playing a hook from Sledgehammer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Meanwhile, he could have took Mystery achievement, the real song.

[Allison Rosen]

So a lot of people have tweeted me about. Aren't I outraged or appalled about Ed Schultz calling Laura Ingraham a slut or Bill Maher calling Sarah Palin a slut and, you know, bringing up these people on the left who've also been misogynistic. And I don't think it's ever okay. But I also feel like this just feels like very feeble, kind of like tit for tat and finger pointing. And the thing with Rush Limbaugh is my feeling is it. It's not that he used the word slut. It's that it was over three days and it began to get into pretty creepy, weird territory with wanting to watch the video. I feel like that. I feel like if he had just used the word slut and stopped, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. I'm having tons of sex pay for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, look, let's be honest. You fundamentally disagree with Rush Limbaugh and you hate Rush Limbaugh. So thus his. It's easier to disagree. You know, it's like when a guy from your team gets in a scrap in a bar, you go, ah, let him play on Sunday. But when a guy from the opposing team gets a scrap in a bar, it's like, hey, message got to be sent. I mean, that's the way we're wired.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all wired that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So. But that's the way it goes kind of across the board. I mean, for everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that. Those people are saying that. Are you. You're saying it to them. That's just kind of. It's much easier. Look, when you're Bill Maher fan and he makes one of these jokes about, you know, how stupid George Bush is, or something. Or some crack about Barbara Bush or something. You laugh, you know, because it's kind of like. Yeah, but when it goes the other way around, you go, hey, that's bullshit. It's kind of your team, their team, everyone's wired that way, and we should all get over it. I mean, it's stupid to point out, hey, when the guy from your team got in a fight, you wanted him playing the Rose Bowl. You didn't want him suspended. It is what we do. That's our team, how it works. Yeah. Yes, but we should all. But we should all just understand. That's how everybody works.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Yes, but do you not think this has more to do? There's more to this than just him using the word.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care. It's a guy blowing hard is. And there's guys who blow hard on the left and guys who blow hard on the right. Are we really. I mean, in this day and age of seeing airplanes flying to buildings and two girls in a cup, are we really that offended by it, or is it just an opportunity?

[Brian Bishop]

Andy made a really good point yesterday, which was Rush only talks to his people. Like, he's like, all you feminazis out there. Like, the feminazis aren't listening. They're not tuning in. They don't know what channel you're on. Like, you're only talking to your people.

[Adam Carolla]

So let him talk to his people. And everyone talks. Anyone's mind not. Because he's already preaching to his flock, just like Mars preaching to his flock. And these people have less power. And again, my feeling is, look, it's in poor taste. And, you know, it's just like the Breitbart thing. It was in poor taste for him to mock Ted Kennedy when he died. It was in poor taste for people to mock Breitbart when he died. Although I would argue bigger tragedy. When a guy goes early 40s versus early 70s or whatever it is, I'll let a little more mocking go. Like, if you make it to 110, we can do a little bit of mocking. You go 30. Zip it at that point. That's a little more tragic to me. But either way, we should all be over all this stuff at this point. I mean, that's my feeling. And these guys say things that are. I mean, they're there to fan flames and stir things up and cross the line and. I don't know. I just feel. Feel like the whole thing.

[Allison Rosen]

It's ridiculous that. Yeah, it will also. I think it's ridiculous that we're talking about the birth control pill. This much. This has become such a huge issue.

[Adam Carolla]

And I concur.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'll get off myself.

[Adam Carolla]

That. I agree. I agree, everybody. I want it. I want it in the municipal drinking supply.

[Allison Rosen]

But the people are saying that they're pills because they're like. Like, I have to be. I'm pissed personally, that I have to be on them right now.

[Adam Carolla]

And it has nothing with.

[Allison Rosen]

To do do with sex. It has to do with endometriosis. It has to do with the fact that I will become infertile if I don't manipulate my hormones. I can go on, but I won't.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

There's just. There's a lot of women who are on them. Gynecologists want to put women on them young. And it's for all these health reasons. It's not for sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, even if it is for sex, who's. Whose fucking business is it? Like, who. Who. Who cares? I mean, it doesn't matter. And there's a handful of loud voices that are talking about, you know, Jeremy Ling lin, Jeremy Lin1 Jeremy Lin1 week, and then it's Rush Limbaugh the next week, and then it's whoever, me the next week, and then it's somebody else on the radio the next week. The percentage of people that actually give a shit are very small.

[Caller Walter]

Very small.

[Adam Carolla]

They just get it all. They get on Twitter and they get it out there. And again, these are all slow news cycle things. If there's something really going on, pow. It all. It all goes away, and it's luck of the draw. You say something stupid, you could be out in the news for three months.

[Allison Rosen]

Stupid roulette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or you say something stupid and there's another nine, 11. You're off. You're on the back page. You're not even making. Not even making the cut. All right. A guy who makes a cut everywhere it goes. One of my favorites. Should we just bring Brian in? You want to stop and bring him in, or do you want to bring him in? You want a break? All right, let's have a quick break. We'll bring in the great Bryan Cranston next. Yeah. Bryan Cranston in studio. Love me some Brian Francine, John Carter. The film in theaters this Friday, getting good reviews.

[Brian Cranston]

It is. It is. I saw it a couple weeks ago at the premiere, and it's really cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a film based on a book that goes way back that no one's heard of.

[Brian Cranston]

That's right, exactly. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote. Wrote the books back. I think it was like 1912. He started writing these before he got really famous. Famous with Tarzan. So there was a series of, I think, 12 or 13 novels. The first one was called the Princess of Mars. And it takes place partially in Civil War America and turn of the century England and Mars. So it's pretty cool. It's a wild ride, and it's a lot of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Cranston is. Now, tell me this is a stupid question, but you're such a nice guy, and then everyone always comments about how nice you. You are, and then do you have to live up to being that nice guy? Like, I wonder. I mean, it's a pressure. Like. Like. Like they do that with kids and they go, he's a bad kid. And then someone goes, stop telling him he's a bad kid, because he's going to be. Perpetuate that myth by acting bad, and you're just reinforcing this behavior.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you ever just feel like acting like a douche, but then you realize everyone thinks you're nice and you're gonna burst their bubbles?

[Brian Cranston]

I should talk to my wife sometimes. She'll corroborate that. No, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm.

[Brian Cranston]

I'm a lucky guy, man. I'm. I'm happy to be here. And when you're raised in the background that we kind of share, sure. Anything is an achievement, right. When your expectations were so low?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, gay porn, never. Never easy. Especially in the 80s. See, no. Growing up in the Valley, growing up in Canoga park or Chatsworth or whatever, you always screw it up every time. Having her mom in her Cadillac drive you over the past.

[Brian Cranston]

The past. Simi Valley swap meet.

[Adam Carolla]

Simi Valley swap meets. And. Yeah, so it's all. All gravy. Yeah. But. But. But is there a fire in the belly of Bryan Cranston that thinks, you know, could all go away? Like, I gotta. I gotta keep it. I gotta keep it going.

[Brian Cranston]

No, man, I. I know that it'll all go away at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

So it's like, no, I'm just riding a wave. That's the way I look at it. It's like. And for some reason, another wave caught me, and it's like, oh, it's kept. I don't even know where the shore is. I'm just riding it. And then at some point, I'll wipe it out, hit the beach, sit there a while and determine whether or not I can still paddle out.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be eaten by seagulls.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Josh Gardner]

Is it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Nice that we're living in a time when a TV show can forward a theatrical career, which feels. Don't let me put words in your career, but it feels to me like Breaking Bad all sudden pushed the theatrical stuff, where normally it's like, oh, guys do movies and then they slum it and do TV and then they're doing dinner theater. But Breaking Bad all of a sudden sort of opened up this whole theatrical thing and now it's on.

[Brian Cranston]

It did. Because I know Breaking Bad is, is so cinematic. It's like a mini movie every episode, right. And the writing is just so good. And that's the, that's the thing to do if you're, if you're a young actor, if you can hook your wagon to a good writer. That is the workhorse right there. You just, let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've always said that, and I've said it on this show. Don't, don't agree with me just because I'm right. But, you know, I feel like there's a lot of capable actors and when you give them, it always reminds me around awards season when they're given great material, then all of a sudden there's Pulp Fiction and John Travolta and he's great. And when he's given Battlefield Earth, then

[Brian Bishop]

he, he's really great.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he becomes awesome. You see where I'm going here?

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

So what? You know, of course, if you can get Tarantino to get behind you and feed you a whole bunch of great lines, then you're going to be for Aaron Sorkin, then you're going to be fucking, you're going to be nominated. And there's a lot of guys that are really capable and once in a while there's guys who take it to the next level with, you know, Javier Bardem and, you know, no country for Old Men or something like that. But in general, there's a lot of really good actors. It's either going to have stupid words coming out of their mouths or profound words coming out. And if the good words are coming out, then you'll get the praise.

[Brian Cranston]

It's, it's one of those things that if, if you can get good at identifying well written material, you are on your way. And if you can focus on just doing that, you're really in a good position.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are some of the guys you think are good at that?

[Brian Cranston]

Well, I mean, I think there's a lot of people who do that. Now. Every, every project starts out and they intend to make a great movie or A great TV show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Okay, well, Nick Cage. But who else? Who's second? Who's second?

[Brian Cranston]

Nick made some mistakes, you know what I mean? Nick Cage.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Cranston]

He's a guy who found himself in financial trouble, so he was making creative decisions based on financial need.

[Adam Carolla]

I say he's genius because his movies now have more CGI than he is actually in the movie. So it's like when you see The Ghost Rider 2. Yeah. Chopper from Hell, and you see the commercial, Nick Cage not even in it anymore. And you realize he only needs to be on the set three or four days. Then he goes down to Mocha Sound over there and lays down a couple of VO tracks and kits his payday and goes home. He's.

[Brian Cranston]

Meanwhile, you're doing a lot of green

[Adam Carolla]

screen act, you're down in New Mexico dancing for the man.

[Brian Cranston]

That's it. That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Pennies on his dollar.

[Brian Cranston]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, he just probably comes in, does a little vo, you know, gets his. Collects his money. Like he is physically in less and less of those movies.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, but so is his stature. His stature has dropped. He's not as. He's not as revered as he was before, and he knows that. I mean, you can't make those decisions, those, those types of films and, and expect to. To be. Does it still respect it?

[Adam Carolla]

Does it become like a. Like a. Like a shame spiral? Like Allison wanted to hang on her to her virginity and tell her freshman year of high school. But then when it went in the seventh grade, it just was open for business. You know what I mean? It becomes a slide at that point.

[Allison Rosen]

I had to reward myself with more sex and more.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like once you break that diet, then nothing with a calorie and it's safe in the house.

[Allison Rosen]

Before long, there were times of the day, like the times of the day that I wasn't having sex less than when I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? So 13 hours out of the day you'd be having sex, let's say.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. And then I'd be sleeping. Sleeping.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

For the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Rest of them mending, taking a. Sits back.

[Brian Cranston]

It sits back, Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

A little.

[Brian Cranston]

A little bidet action.

[Adam Carolla]

A little puff of steam would come out when she lowered herself into the tub. Yeah. So who are.

[Brian Cranston]

A little Summer's Eve.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and you're ready to go again?

[Allison Rosen]

Not just in summer.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are some of the guys besides yourself, of course, who are good at picking those scripts. Who. You know, Johnny Depp sort of comes. I was just gonna say interesting work.

[Brian Cranston]

Interesting work. Now he did that one he did in Puerto Rico.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't. Rum Diaries.

[Brian Cranston]

Rum Diaries. And it didn't, it didn't become a hit. But that doesn't mean the script wasn't good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And no, you can't base it on commercial success because the guy's trying to make interesting choices. Yeah. And so, you know, I don't know what Ed Wood did, but that was, it was a really interesting choice.

[Brian Cranston]

Ed Wood and Roger Corman came from the same kind of mold.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, him playing Edward, playing Edwin. Either way, the same thing. So I'm done putting names. Your mouth. Give me two more good, good actor names who pick interesting scripts that we've all heard of.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, I think, you know, I, I think Paul Giamatti picks really. Oh, and I think Philip Seymour Hoffman picks some really interesting stuff and things. Like, you know, he played the, the manager in Money Ball, and then, you know, he was the campaign manager in, you know, Ides of March.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

So they were both in the Ides of March.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah. And so is Giamatti. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But when you take Giamatti and you put him with M. Night Shyamalan, M. Night trumps, they'll always, they'll always. It's like when you take. It's like the dominant gene. Yeah.

[Josh Gardner]

Take.

[Adam Carolla]

Take Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. You're never gonna get. You don't get a hot kid. I'm sorry. But the tough gene always, always wins out. It always. Correct. Take the hottest chick in the world and a guy's a four and a half, and he'll bring her right down.

[Brian Cranston]

Oh, it's a sad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sad but true. Sad but true.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Cranston. I got to say, because people are going to yell at me. I've, I've said things about drive that I wasn't proud of. Don't lie.

[Brian Bishop]

They weren't proud.

[Adam Carolla]

It got a little over. Now you're always fat, you're always great, you're always fantastic. I, I, I. It got a little over. It got a. It got, it got built up too big for me. It got built up too big for me.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, that was your, your own mistake of listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Partly.

[Brian Cranston]

Level of expectations.

[Adam Carolla]

It was very high. It was very high. And I thought it had a lot of nice texture to it, and I thought it was a very cool film, but I didn't think it was a good film. I didn't, I didn't like the script. It bothered me.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the I wish you weren't a liar drop.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish you weren't a liar. No, I said. And before I knew Cranston was coming in, I said, it's not a bad movie. It was. It was hyped. It was hyped way. Rolling Stone had it number. Number one, please. All right, well, see. Shut your mouth, you dirty liar. Say something. Yes.

[Brian Cranston]

Since you knew that going in, you knew that Rolling Stone number one. And also you're a car guy.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're there, you're gonna see some

[Brian Cranston]

really cool cars and some.

[Josh Gardner]

Really.

[Brian Cranston]

And then your expectations are higher.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's part of it. Yeah, that's part of it. I. I mean, I know it was. What is it supposed to be about? Not that much. That sounded horrible. That was the. No, I mean, he didn't marry the chick at the end. He didn't go off with her. He didn't. You know, it was like.

[Brian Cranston]

That's like fairy tale, though. You wanted that. Is that. Is that what gets you going? You like the happy ending?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Brian Cranston]

You look for a happy ending any chance you get. I'm sure you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I. I wanted more. I wanted more. I thought the. I thought the performances were all good. I just thought the script wasn't. Wasn't quite there. I'm thinking if I read the script, I don't know what I would get out of it.

[Brian Cranston]

You see, I. I.

[Allison Rosen]

An understanding.

[Brian Cranston]

Respectfully disagree with you. Now I'm partial because I was in it, and we had a great experience. Shooting was James Salas wrote the novel, and it was this film noir, kind of interesting Hollywood dark CD kind of thing. And Nicholas Refn, who, by the. Who was our director, who, by the way, doesn't drive, that he does not have a driver's license.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I found out.

[Brian Cranston]

So we met at his house. House several times. In his living room.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had to go to his house. Right.

[Brian Cranston]

Because he doesn't drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are we all hobbled by adults who refuse to drive?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you have to pick them up. I have a few of these.

[Josh Gardner]

Play is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, come pick me up. Who's dropping him off after karaoke night over at Kimmel's?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like I made the decision not to wipe myself anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's going to come?

[Brian Cranston]

Who's wiping Allison tonight?

[Adam Carolla]

Get down there. Yeah. All right. So you went to his house. You'd have to go to his house.

[Brian Cranston]

Designated wiper tonight. All right, so we go to his house.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's we?

[Brian Cranston]

Well, myself and Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman and Ryan Gosling. And we would meet in his house with the writer Hostney.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Brian Cranston]

And we would go through it and. And Ryan was saying, you know what? We don't even know his name. His name is Driver. We don't know where he's from.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

So he thought his. His part should have less dialogue because we. He con, you know, conveys his. His thoughts and messages through his actions.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you guys get drunk guy or anything? No, that'd be fine.

[Brian Cranston]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Gosling. Nice guy.

[Brian Cranston]

Good guy. Yeah, he's a sweet guy. He's a sweet Canadian guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you feel seduced?

[Brian Cranston]

No, no, actually, I was fulfilled.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, no, he's Canadian, so that makes him nice.

[Brian Cranston]

Nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, really nice guy. And.

[Brian Cranston]

But he's. But he's really there for you as an actor. He's present, he wants to rehearse.

[Caller Walter]

He.

[Brian Cranston]

He says, you know, let's. Let's try something else if you're not completely comfortable. And you know, we're. So. Everybody's on the same par. And so we pitched out ideas and, and what we would say. And my character, who was more of a schemer and waiting for a ship to come in, so I said I should talk more.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you don't have to. You don't have to audition for something like that. No, but sometimes you still have to audition. Are we beyond that?

[Brian Cranston]

No, no, you do. I mean, it depends on who you're there for. If, If Clint Eastwood says, I want to see Cranston come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

You know, and. And I want him to read for me and then I read for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

I'm not going to say no.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But other than that, you're having, like, chemistry meetings. Yeah, like a checking out. Yeah, we.

[Brian Cranston]

But, you know, to me, everything is an audition. Do you know what I mean? You go in and you want to. You don't want to just be aloof about it. You want to show that you're interested in the project and that you're going to bring some energy to it and thought and talent and time. And so you come in with ideas and. Which is always the best thing. And for actors, the more comfortable we feel, the better we perform. So the more comfortable we feel is when we know and understand the character. Character better. So we were able to be in his living room and pitch out the characters. And that's when Ron Perlman and. And Albert Brooks came up with the. The Jewish friends from childhood angle. And. And they were picked upon from the more Italian gang, like kind of mafioso kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Perlman, a little bit of a Blowhard.

[Brian Cranston]

A little bit, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit, yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah. But I mean, it's like he went, he wanted to go there and it's like, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, in real life, little bit.

[Brian Cranston]

He's a little bit of a blood. I don't know. I mean, I find him cool, man. He's just a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

You say Ron's Ron if you'd like.

[Brian Cranston]

No, I, I, I think, yeah, I'm there, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I've interviewed him. I didn't, I wasn't as delighted by him.

[Brian Cranston]

Oh, he's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a bad guy.

[Brian Cranston]

What about Albert?

[Adam Carolla]

Have you, yeah, we actually was, it was a little bit, bit of a nice dream come true for me because I've always been a big fan. You know, I loved Lost in America and I love Defending youg Life. I always thought Defending youg Life was sort of an important movie that got kind of not really brushed aside, but. Oh, it's a comedy, you know, But I thought it was more interesting than your basic comedy. And I've always wanted to interview him, but he doesn't really do too many interviews and he doesn't come out to the Valley. And we came to him, we brought the Mountain of Muhammad and we went to his office over there off of Wilshire or Beverly or wherever it was and sat down with him for an hour and change and had a nice interview. And you never hear the guy interviewed for an hour. Plus, it's just a little, you know, when you do those shows, you do the Tonight show, you do any late night show, it's produced little sort of, I guess it'd be like if you really wanted to see, see how a guy fucked, you'd have to mount a camera on top of the hamper. But if you put him in front of 3,000 people in bleachers or 300 people in bleachers, he's a hero and he had an audience warm up guy and a lover. Yeah. That wouldn't be indicative of how the guy screwed. That'd be him screwing for seven minutes while you were watching. But that wouldn't be every, every moment. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so, well, here's what I'm getting at. You don't really get to anything on those shows. You, you throw out a plug or two for your movie, right? You're funny.

[Allison Rosen]

You get to a couple commercials for your personality, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're little commercials for your personality. If you're funny, you know, if you get lucky, you'll stumble on to a little Something spontaneous or whatever. Six and a half minutes. Brian Krantz and everybody, thank you very much. And then you move on. But you never really get to the long, long form.

[Brian Cranston]

No, no. That. Why, that's why this show, which is totally unproduced and unprepared for anything that may happen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Cranston]

Is so refreshing.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Brian. I mean, John Carter, you just earned yourself a plug. John Carter in theaters this Friday, March 9th.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I just learned about John Carter? Directed by the guy who directed Finding Nemo and Wally.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta be good.

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't think much of John Carter when I heard about it months ago. And I was like, this guy who made these two awesome movies, direct. I'm totally in now.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I have said many times if I was running a screenwriting class, I would tell them to watch those Pixar movies for storytelling. Just, you know, you see Nemo or any of those Pixar movies, the storytelling is incredible. You get kind of caught up in the animation and the VO and stuff.

[Caller Walter]

But the.

[Adam Carolla]

The writing is so strong. I mean, in Nemo, he gets captured and he goes into the tank and he has to escape the tank and all that stuff. It's really strong. Have you, have you ever been up to Pixar?

[Brian Cranston]

No, I've never been up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Cranston]

Is it quite a campus up there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's so unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's like a blimp hangar filled with happy nerds playing, like, air hockey and eating and waiting. A lot of people are like, whoa, what's he doing here? Oh, this is Dan Off. He's just hanging.

[Brian Cranston]

He's just hanging out.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just hanging out. And I mean, it's. It's like the big boss man wasn't there, but his, his. His second, you know, seconds. His. His Mr. Pixar wasn't there. But they're like, you want to see his office? He's got a bunch of really cool trains in there. Like, well, if he's not here, he's not. Ah, we'll go in anyway. And they just fling the door open and a bunch of people walking through his office and stuff, which would piss off most. Most bosses, you know. And then it was off to the writers rooms and all the writers rooms, they each get their own corner that they get to decorate however they want. Like a speakeasy with a secret door in the back. And, like, I mean, one had a tropical jungle theme and all that kind of stuff. And then food and people Playing hockey, you know, air hockey. And then they're doing stuff like, well, we got Earth, Wind and Fire playing at noon. If you want to stick around for that. That'd be on the putting. And then there's that next to the water slide. Not the big water slide, the smaller one for the handicapped people. And then they go. And if there's anything you ever want to get into, like archery or something like that, you just have to get more than two people to sign up. And then we'll get a guy to come out and we'll have archery classes.

[Brian Cranston]

It's like college. It sounds like a really cool college.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I. And I realized I could never be the boss. I'd be a dick.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, it's amazing that anything gets done there. It sounds too loose and too ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because there's no rules and there's no time limits and everyone just kind of does their work and Montessori.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, it's insane where you call your teacher Stu Sally.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so weird. And it is one of those things where when you turn on the news and you go, like, the terrorists have blown up another children's hospital or something like that, and you go, God, what's wrong with us? What's wrong as people? You know, what are we doing? What are human beings doing? Then you go into Pixar and you go, look how great we are. It's utopia. We're so great.

[Brian Cranston]

Maybe it's like the. The Truman Show. Maybe they're living in some kind of bubble and they only get good news filtered in through their radios and televisions.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like something is God damn amazing and everyone there is the happy. They're so happy to be working.

[Brian Cranston]

Andrew Stanton, who is the director Brian was talking about, great guy. And he did Wally and he wrote Wally and. And Finding Nemo. And he came on the set and we're working. Taylor Kitchen and I were doing a scene and he. He gave us some direction and then we said, okay, we got it, and we did the next take. And he came skipping around the corner from the video village. And he was so happy. And it was like, yo, what's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's going on?

[Brian Cranston]

He goes, I. I just can't believe it. Usually I'm so used to inanimate to give notes, and I have to come back three weeks later to see them integrated into the next cut.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Cranston]

You guys just. You just did it?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Real time.

[Brian Cranston]

He's like so excited, like a little boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he is A good storyteller.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And thus John Carter a good story. And I was checking on Rotten Tomatoes. Doing very well. Friday, March 9 All right. Shall we do a little made up movie? We just get the title of a movie and we go ahead and build, build the movie around it. She'll. Brian. See anything you like. Yes. According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, in the year 2012, a hero would rise to turn your movie titles into blockbusters. Glad it's not me. That hero is Adam Corolla. Boy, that could be me. And this is made up movie, Brian Cranston. You see anything you like?

[Brian Cranston]

Well, let's go with the first one. Speed dial. Speed Dial is actually a story about a guy who discovered speed amphetamine in his dial soap while taking a shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Cranston]

He was, he was, he was washing up into his armpits and orifices and all of a sudden he started getting supernatural powers. And so then he's able to, whenever he starts to, you know, drop in energy, man, he just takes out his bar of soap and uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Now he's in a loveless relationship.

[Brian Cranston]

Yes, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

With a shrew of a woman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you read that?

[Brian Cranston]

Yes, yes, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And so all his sort of chi has been zapped. But then also it's a shower and he comes popping out and she's like, who's this man?

[Brian Cranston]

I love this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

But he has that dilemma of having to keep it up for lack of a.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right, right. Now there's the sun. Yeah. And the son, the son is a. Is a guy who's. He's gone. God. And this guy was an ex. He was an ex, ex marine and he doesn't like all the long hair and the crazy trench coats and all that kind of stuff and he's trying to reconnect and he takes a shower with a certain teenager.

[Caller Walter]

So.

[Brian Cranston]

Which is not strange. Which can happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Tasteful.

[Brian Cranston]

Yes, tastefully done. Like Sandusky. Just you know, having fun. Snapping towel. Rough housing.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what men do.

[Adam Carolla]

The usual stuff. That's right. Boys being boys. Cornhole. And other boys. That's right. That's all that. Now is the soap, Is it a magical. This is the bar soap. Sort of a metaphor for something. Was it, was there pixie dust in it? Or is it coming from the, the soap factory this way? Or is it this only one bar?

[Brian Cranston]

It's this one bar. And that's the dilemma.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh gosh.

[Brian Cranston]

He uses it. He needs it. But it's diminishing in size every time he uses it.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Limitless. Taking the pill made him better, but.

[Brian Cranston]

Oh, so you're saying that. Are you saying I'm plagiarizing this story? Is that what you're saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Hell, man. Hey, man, Cranston's a huge star, and he makes time in his day to come in here and be a guest on our podcast. And then you attend, attack him with this verbal assault.

[Brian Bishop]

You give me a lot to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Go find a fucking mirror, would you? Sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Granson.

[Brian Cranston]

That's all right.

[Allison Rosen]

I just hope he doesn't put the soap in that one spot in the shower where the water hits it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Cause that'll erode it fast.

[Brian Cranston]

That is the end of Act 2, where he realizes his mistake. He's riding high, and then all of a sudden.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Right. But then we find out, and he learns that just the love of his son can give him the power of 20. He doesn't need the soap anymore. The power was always in his life.

[Allison Rosen]

So he gets his chi back from his son.

[Josh Gardner]

The.

[Brian Cranston]

The natural Cornholing man. Father, Son.

[Adam Carolla]

Case of love. Tastefully done. Tastefully done. Allison. You got anything you like up there, Brian? Anything?

[Allison Rosen]

Hand to God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Hand of God.

[Allison Rosen]

It's about a good group of. Let's make them cult members.

[Brian Bishop]

It's about a group, that much is for sure.

[Allison Rosen]

It's about a group for. It's not. Not an individual, not a duo.

[Adam Carolla]

Group of cult members of cult members

[Allison Rosen]

who believe that they have to cut off someone's hand as a sacrifice to God.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Wow, you guys are really on the nose over there.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the on the nose couch.

[Brian Cranston]

No, that's true, man. That's true. I know it.

[Allison Rosen]

And they have sort of a lottery, much like Shirley Jackson's the Lottery or Hunger Games. Really, it's inspired by these. And so they pick out someone's name out of a fishbowl. And they know this is gonna happen all year. They're preparing for it. And then that's the person who has to lose their hand. And they can choose left or right. Cause they're not insane.

[Brian Cranston]

Cut to heaven, where God has made chimes out of all the hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

As they're. As the breeze blows. Because there's always a nice breeze in heaven. And you hear these little

[Allison Rosen]

fleshy wind chimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the Weeknd warrior.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that was mine.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Oh, it was pretty elegant. Let's jump in on this. Let's get Wahlberg back in a football uniform. It's an Idea that's sort of semi based on reality, which is the team makes the soup. Wahlberg never only played college ball. He never played pro ball.

[Brian Bishop]

Is he a player or who is he?

[Adam Carolla]

Fan? He's a. Well, he's not anything anymore, but a weekend warrior. Okay, he plays. He plays in one of those pickup games like beer league, you know, just kind of a weekend. Just kind of weekend stuff. Played some college ball, but that was a long time ago. But his college coach went on to coach in the NFL. Now he's taken his team to the super bowl and their long snap breaks his leg. The game before the super bowl, he needs the man who used to do the long snapping back in the college days to step in, is the only one he trusts. That's Wahlberg. So he calls upon Wahlberg to step up and suit up for, and only for the super bowl, the big game. The problem is the mob gets to Wahlberg when they find out about this as well. I've always said the lowest paid guy on a football team is the long snapper. He's a special teams player. He's getting the league minimum. The mob gets old to him. He snaps one over the punter's head and does one bad snap on a PAT or field goal temp. You can shave eight or 10 points off that game. So now the mob gets hold of him. They find out because it's a big story. Local guy gets a hold of him.

[Allison Rosen]

Tagline be one bad snap.

[Adam Carolla]

One bad snap. Yeah, or his. His bad snapping caused him to snap. Yeah, we work it out. Don't make him snap, just snap. They get the mob gets hold of the kid. Yeah, he's got it. He's got a teenage daughter played by Dakota Fanning's younger sister, L. Elle Fanning. All right. Elle Fanning is his kid. Messy divorce, trying to win the love back. Mob gets hold of the kid. Now he's going into the super bowl knowing this is the biggest stage he'll ever be on. But he's got his daughter to think about. His team's a three point favorite favorite. But is he going to snap that ball over the punter's head?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, on the one side, he gets the league minimum for the game, which is like 100 grand or 200 grand. He gets a share of the Super Bowl. A Super bowl share and the ring, which is another 50.

[Adam Carolla]

Little something called pride. Yeah, he played five years. One red shirted year. We don't get to the details with this guy. Medical.

[Brian Bishop]

Medical. Red shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Over at tcu. And he never missed the snap. Horn frog. He's a horn frog. He never, never missed. He never, never bad snap in the guy's career. He's just never big enough to make it to the show. So, of course, the coach goes for him. Now what's he do? Does he sail that ball? And there's a great scene where the. Where he's lining up and the mob guys are on the sideline and he fires one right into their head. Just knocks them off like they do in every good movie, where the mascot gets hit in the head or falls off the horse or something like that.

[Brian Cranston]

So the question is, does Mark Wahlberg have any other daughters? So can he spare one?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I. Right, right.

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Brian Cranston]

Why, Is it like his least favorite daughter, maybe?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, maybe her skin's not so nice. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't love her so much. Not so much. Yeah, I like that. All right. What do you think?

[Brian Cranston]

Ball?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, you got.

[Brian Bishop]

How about Hand to God? But here's my version.

[Adam Carolla]

So what. Wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

On the film vault, we did top five movies that need to be made, and one of them was oh, God. Remember oh, God. With George Burns.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. Did get remade. Did. After the George Burns version, they did another George Burns version.

[Brian Bishop]

God Book Two. But I mean remade, like rebooted with a new cast. So here's God comes down from heaven to enter.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a second. Didn't they do one with Steve Carell or had to build Narciss?

[Brian Bishop]

No, that's Bruce Almighty.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

After Evan Almighty or whatever it was. This is God comes down from heaven to enter a poker tournament and Las Vegas. But the devil comes from hell to play against him. He enters the same tournament, and they end up at the same final table. Final table with six other poker.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie Daniels.

[Brian Cranston]

Charlie Daniels.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God, that'd be amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be great.

[Brian Bishop]

Can Morgan Freeman play God, or is that typecasting?

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, look, I'd like to see an Asian in there for a chance.

[Brian Bishop]

How about Brian Cranston?

[Adam Carolla]

Cranston's good, but he's. I mean, he's got the beard. He can play with the other poker.

[Brian Cranston]

I could play the devil.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you can have a white dude play God in this town.

[Brian Bishop]

It's too presumptuous.

[Adam Carolla]

Either you do a chick.

[Allison Rosen]

That's Morissette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you could do a chick. Or you could do a black dude. Asian, chick. Asians, confusing. And Jew out the window. But I. I'd say. I'd say you get your choice. Between chick who looks sort of like Mother Nature.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Or they'll three times Foolisha Tyler, maybe. Yeah, like that.

[Brian Bishop]

And then up at the final table at the World Series of Poker, first for the fate of humanity on the line, and they have to play each other in poker and ends up playing heads up. And that's. That's high stakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand to God, that's high stakes. Well, you're not going to do any better than that. At least.

[Allison Rosen]

Too bad I own the name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but we'll sell it. I thought her idea about cutting off everyone's hand and throwing it in the air was better, but that's too God to God. Yes. All right, bring it on home. Adam Corolla will return in Made Up Movie Part two. Ah, something interesting. Someone's on line three. Hey, Walter.

[Caller Walter]

Adam. Carolla. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Walter?

[Caller Walter]

Hey. I just wanted to say I've been listening to you guys for a while. Did two tours in Iraq, listening to you, Adam, on your radio show and on the podcast. Brian, great job on the drops. Allison, you're super hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Caller Walter]

Mr. Cranston, you're amazing.

[Brian Cranston]

Thank you, Walter.

[Adam Carolla]

Two tours. What were you doing over there?

[Caller Walter]

I was. I was. It's kind of weird. I'm a submariner Navy diver, and I went to do a military transition team to help help the Iraqis get on their feet. So I'm living with the Iraqis.

[Adam Carolla]

You're living with the Iraq Iraqis?

[Caller Walter]

Yeah. Yeah, it was. It was. We're training them combat arms and a bunch of different, you know, giving them weapons.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you. What do we need to know about the average Iraqi that would surprise us?

[Caller Walter]

They. They poop on the ground.

[Brian Cranston]

Doesn't surprise us.

[Adam Carolla]

I want something like huge Connect four fans, you know what I mean? Like something pooping on the ground. That. Listen, when you're living in a desert, you almost have to poop on the ground. It's like saying he pees in the shower. Well, what are you going to do?

[Brian Cranston]

Fertilizer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they poop on the ground. All right, stereotype intact.

[Caller Walter]

Thursday, poker night. It's called man love Thursday. Where all the men get together in the village. Man love, hand of God, handy things together.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? That. Do you need that in that world? Like, do you need a boys night out? Isn't every day boys night out more manly or more of a girl's day in?

[Caller Walter]

It's actually reserved for more. For porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Caller Walter]

They get away from the lives and stuff like that and they. They. They get. They get together in groups. And so when you go to their houses and stuff like that, and they show porn the door, make sure they have their clothes on before you talk to any of the shakes or anything like that.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait a minute, wait a minute. They're groups of dudes who watch porn together.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they sit in a circular formation?

[Caller Walter]

They come some sort of formation. It's usually some sort of. Of weird sexual activity. Not always. Not always. I don't want to paint the bad picture on the Iraqi people. They're a good people.

[Adam Carolla]

So far it's been glowing. I'm planning my next vacation. Scrub Tahiti. Sweetie, we're going to Iraq where this shit runs, Brown. The street runs. Yes. All right, you're telling me that guys. So they not only have a prayer mat, they have a prayer bib. They as well,

[Caller Walter]

pretty much.

[Adam Carolla]

Thursday night is sort of guys night out.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah, Thursday nights and guys nights out. There's not too many women. You don't really get to see them. They're usually indoors.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I'm going to float a theory here. I know we don't. Well, here's what I'm saying. You know, people go like, well, what. What are. What are folks from the United States like? Like, but, but if we shin.

[Allison Rosen]

Toilets.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, we do that, but why would you do this? We. If you went. But, but if you were just stationed somewhere near the bayou in Louisiana, you'd be like, well, they all love crawdad and they wear. They wear. They wear overalls, but with only one strap, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they don't wear shirts under their overalls.

[Brian Cranston]

And even little girls have shotguns.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and they like shotguns and fan boats and. So you. Beads. Yeah. And you'd be going, huh? But, but that's. That would be your world. Maybe he was staying in a really fucked up village where guys did a lot of beating off and shitting on the ground.

[Brian Cranston]

So there are certain areas.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why shouldn't there be? I mean, why do we think of

[Brian Cranston]

it as one thing?

[Adam Carolla]

We do? We do, but we understand very clearly. There's Manhattan, there's Malibu, there's the Palisades, and then there's the bogs of Louisiana. And there's parts where we, maybe we wouldn't be so proud of. Not to mention, you know, you know, East LA with gang bangers and whatever places you wouldn't bring strangers from other countries to show them. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe he would know if that's the case.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish. Yeah, let's talk to him because I don't know if he knows, but. And I know there's a sort of cosmopolitan side to most places, but we know. I never really think that way. Maybe they have their own shitty little corners over there.

[Allison Rosen]

Suggesting that they get it on with each other, though, or just that they view porn together. That's what I was suggesting, but I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey,

[Caller Walter]

they got it on together.

[Brian Cranston]

They get it on together.

[Adam Carolla]

Dudes get it on together.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah, you see a lot of instances where they. Where they're either getting it on with other guys or animals or. I wish you weren't,

[Allison Rosen]

Walter. You started out with such promise.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not having sex with animals.

[Caller Walter]

Hand to God.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of animals?

[Caller Walter]

It's various animals. There's stories of goats.

[Brian Cranston]

Definitely donkeys to Adam. That's a deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, wait. What?

[Brian Cranston]

Of kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of animals.

[Brian Cranston]

Before I agree to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Like hot animals. All right, now, hold on a second. He said he was a submariner.

[Caller Walter]

I'm a fire control technician. On a fast submarine.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't make that. How many days. How many days would you stay under without surfacing if.

[Caller Walter]

Well, if you're on mission. Well, the periscope is usually always up, so they'll go anywhere between 40 and. I've heard up to 90 days. 100 days underwater.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Without ever surging. How. How. What depth would you be at when the periscope puts?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you say. I've heard up to 90 days.

[Caller Walter]

64ft.

[Adam Carolla]

64ft?

[Caller Walter]

Yeah. Depending on what kind of submarine it is.

[Adam Carolla]

How many leagues is that? Good, quick.

[Brian Cranston]

How many leagues, Walter? 64ft.

[Caller Walter]

Oh, leagues. I'm not sure with leagues.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller Walter]

It's distance, isn't it? Yeah, it's usually fathoms, but.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What would you guys do in knots?

[Caller Walter]

The full speed is classified. But submarines. That section go up to and above 28 knots.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, full speed is classified. That's a good answer. See, that's what he does.

[Brian Cranston]

But you've been vetted.

[Adam Carolla]

But the part. The part where these guys are having sex with themselves and animals. Sounds a little dicey.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, themselves, everyone does that. But each other. And animals.

[Brian Cranston]

Not that anything's wrong with that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now. So, anyway, you were in charge of living amongst the folks.

[Caller Walter]

Yeah. The mayor of a.

[Brian Cranston]

You say the mayor.

[Adam Carolla]

That he did.

[Caller Walter]

Mayor Marshall, did you hand out the

[Adam Carolla]

key to the donkey?

[Brian Cranston]

There's a ribbon across the ass of the donkey.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. So what was your question, Walter?

[Caller Walter]

Just a quick question. Maria Menounos was on yesterday. A deal breaker.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about that today. She's very Hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that looped or was that one straight one?

[Brian Cranston]

Is that really her laugh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like people need to realize that a lot of the times that they might have thought she was doing that laugh, which is genuine. That was a drop. I know she did it more than once, but she didn't do it as many times as people heard.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen closely. Adam is laughing at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can't loop it. Well, that's it. You know, it's the. It's the. It's the. It's the nanny conundrum. You know what I mean? It's Fran Drescher circa 1989. You know, that'll. That looks goddamn good. But then she starts talking, and, you know, there's a.

[Brian Cranston]

There's a way you can just, you know, say, let's play the silent game. Hey, you see the artist.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do that.

[Brian Cranston]

Let's recreate that in a sexual tone.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm more like, do you see Pulp Fiction? Because it's called a ball gag. All right, let's see Cranston plans for Breaking Bad. Let's have Cranston answer a question here. Brad. Let's see if I can work this phone out. I don't know where the phone's that work. Brad, you there? Yeah, I'm here. Got a question for Cranston. Yeah, I'm a big fan of all you guys. You guys are all awesome.

[Caller Walter]

I even listen to Allison's podcast. It's funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks.

[Caller Walter]

I just had a question for Cranston.

[Adam Carolla]

When season five of Breaking Bad ends,

[Caller Walter]

are you gonna stay on television and keep working with Vince Gilligan, or are you just gonna go straight to film?

[Brian Cranston]

I usually have people who will respond to that kind of questioning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not allowed to answer.

[Brian Cranston]

No, I'm teasing. No, I think. I think, you know, this has been such a great ride. When we're done, we have 16 more episodes to go, Brad. And they might split them up in 8 and 8. Or we're supposed to say it's just 16 more episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

Episodes, Right.

[Brian Cranston]

So we don't know when it's gonna end, but we never.

[Adam Carolla]

How many episodes will that make? Will we get to 16 more?

[Brian Cranston]

Oh, the total is 62, I think. Total.

[Adam Carolla]

They can syndicate now and do. Syndicate.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, that's. That's enough. But it's about anything with this kind of show. It's so serialized that it's not a good syndicated show.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Brian Cranston]

You don't want to pop in at 3 o' clock on Tuesday and go, where am I? What I. I don't even know what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

People get the box set and watch season one. That's how it's going to work.

[Brian Cranston]

That's how when people buy it at a box set or they buy it, a country will buy it and run it like crazy. But.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

I think after all is said and done in. In March of 2013, we'll. We'll stop production and then I'll step away for a while and, you know, I would have to see something as brilliantly written as. As Breaking Bad in order to get back into television right away.

[Adam Carolla]

The. You're doing some directing. He did Modern Family.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if we talked about my buddy Michael Spiller, who directed a few of those. Yeah. Good guy.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Just shot me an email, told me stop making fun of his son on my podcast. But yeah, don't stop. He loves his goddamn family so much it drives me insane. Yeah, he's a huge fan of his family.

[Brian Cranston]

Of his family.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves his family. Family.

[Brian Cranston]

What's that about?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but he's making us all look bad, and I suggest he knock it off.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, that's too.

[Adam Carolla]

It's, you know, he's doing a little something for his. He wants to do something for his wife.

[Brian Cranston]

He wanted to do something, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What a horrible narcissist he is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we do a little more news, by the way? Now the rest of the news with Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

A drug lab in the room of a nursing home resident caused a fire that killed one person and injured six others in northeast Ohio. It was a meth lab in a nursing home. Three residents and two non residents were hospitalized and two people were treated at the scene. Drug charges are pending against two of the men who were burned. A lawyer for the nursing home declined to comment, but auditors records show the home was built in 1950, had 31 rooms, and 39 names are on. On its roster.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, these were people who work there, not elderly people.

[Josh Gardner]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

Maybe it was the elderly cooking.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they haven't revealed any of that, except that a couple people who were in the nursing home apparently knew about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Cooking meth in a. In a nursing home is a good place to do it.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, going to a shitty neighborhood and putting a bunch of bars up in front of your windows, not a good place to do it. Right.

[Brian Cranston]

Except with nursing home residents using what ingredients they have, like Jello and Kaopectate, Viagra and those things as substitutes. It obviously ended up in tragedy that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I feel like we were talking about this before. A lot of guys used to fall asleep smoking back in the day. Lots of. Oh, you know what, it's funny I wanted to bring this up. Speaking of tragedy, remember us talking about, talking about how if you're black and you die, everyone has to go to your funeral even if they didn't know you?

[Allison Rosen]

I have a story. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel bad because, you know when Whitney Houston dies, if you got any black in you at all, you have to go to the funeral. You just do. Al Sharpton must show up and must make a comment. It's physically impossible for him to know every person of color on this planet, but yet if somebody of color dies, he has to come out.

[Brian Cranston]

He has to.

[Adam Carolla]

And not only does he, he has to make a comment, but he has to talk about. He remembers the time not so long ago when they were marching hand in hand to the same drum and he'd been to the mountain with them and then they'd come back and then went back up to the mountain because they'd forgotten something on the mountain and they'd come back again. Whitey don't have time for that. And I brought up the Golden Girls. The Golden Girls all died off pretty much in Los Angeles and been buried in Los Angeles and not even gone down the hill hill to go to each other's funerals.

[Brian Cranston]

They didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's the Golden Girls. That's how whitey rolls. We don't give a shit if you die. So much pressure. If you're black, you don't bring up the monkeys. Right. Because somebody tweeted me that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, well, turns out, Adam, you're correct. The remaining monkeys in fact may not attend Davy Jones funeral. Mickey Dolan says that he, Peter Tork and Mike Nesmith, they're probably not going to attend the ceremony because if they were to attend it, it would run counter to the family's wishes for a low key burial.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Cranston]

Davy Jones died.

[Allison Rosen]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, do you think Mike Nesmith is going to get off a plane and then there's going to be banners and guys waiting and there's going to be women swooning and people

[Brian Cranston]

crawling over still wearing the beanie cap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like he's going to get a black suit and drive to the funeral and the car's going to be pulling e brakes and U turns at Peter Torture. They're. It went by.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Brian Cranston]

They show up on the little tricycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nobody unless they're driving the monkey's mobile. Oh, which. That'd be a good. Because that could hold a casket. Unless they're physically driving the monkey's mobile, nobody recognizes those guys.

[Allison Rosen]

My understanding is they. This is what Mickey Dolan said. My understanding is they want to avoid a media circus and the family wants to keep it very, very low key and very, very private. And you can imagine as soon as one or two or any of us were there to show up, it would be. It would very quickly be degraded into something that I don't think his immediate family would want to deal with. So I'm kind of. Now, see, this article says. So I'm kind of expecting their wishes, whatever their wishes may be. But I suspect respect is the word they meant to write. I'm respecting their wishes, whatever their wishes.

[Brian Cranston]

That's kind of brilliant.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe it really is.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't want to go to Florida and go to the funeral. That's what he's doing.

[Allison Rosen]

That is such a good way to get out of something while still hanging on to the moral high ground.

[Brian Cranston]

Even if they, the family doesn't release a statement, you just come out and say, well, I just want to respect the family's wishes. For a low key, respectful.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to respect the family's wishes for me not having to shell out $921 for air and then a hotel and then a rental car.

[Allison Rosen]

And they wouldn't want that stay.

[Brian Cranston]

The family wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Davy would have wanted me to stay in my living room and receive oral from my younger wife. And, you know, with his wishes, I will respect that. That's gonna be hard for me to stay away from that. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever come up with a brilliant excuse to get out of something? I don't think I ever have.

[Adam Carolla]

No. That is. That is excellent. Because they just don't want to go. They didn't like him. They must not have liked him.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not what they're saying. But I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And does he speak for all monkeys?

[Allison Rosen]

He does, yes. On behalf of the other monkeys. That's what he's saying. Because if any one of them were to show up, it would be a media circus. Especially more than, you know, when monkeys get together.

[Adam Carolla]

Peter Tork. Is there anyone that knows what. I know what the monkeys look like? I don't know that I would recognize Peter Tork. And in terms of media circus, let's really examine that media circus like, you know, Michael Jackson coming out of a courtroom. Media circus.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or two guys holding up their cell phones, you know, like the kind of

[Allison Rosen]

media circus that you get when some old band plays the fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think any. Media circus.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Peter Torque. Long blonde hair.

[Adam Carolla]

He used to, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he wear the hat?

[Brian Cranston]

No, that was Michael.

[Adam Carolla]

That was. That was Mike and I. I just. I don't think anyone would recognize. Okay. There's no. Nobody guy going to a funeral. Yes. Yeah. Nobody.

[Allison Rosen]

He lost his twerkiness.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody would recognize him. And his father, he was detorked. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Dale Regan, headmaster of Episcopal school. Oh, wow. Time has not been kind to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Time's not kind to anybody. Time, Derek. Time beats the shit out of everybody I know. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Here's a sad story about a school shooting, but no kids were killed. Theo Regan, headmaster of Episcopal School of Jacksonville in Florida, was sh. Shot and killed by a teacher who had been fired earlier that day. So the teacher was fired, then returned to the school with an AK47 in a guitar case, shot Dale Regan, the headmaster, and then took his own life. No one else was hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That thing where you get fired from your $46,000 a year job. Never. I would never take that personally. And it's always. I mean, obviously, obviously there's pre existing conditions going on. There's depression and maybe a brain tumor and whatever else, but people get fired from good jobs, don't go back and kill their boss. It's weird. The shittier the job, the more the likelihood of you killing your boss. It doesn't make sense. The guy who was like, you know, chief financial officer for GM or GE or some big conglomeration virgin, whatever, when he gets shit canned, he doesn't go kill anyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Anybody I know, because he has a severance.

[Adam Carolla]

Severance in a parachute. But still, they always tell you it's about pride.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, first thing would be if I was getting shot. Like I'd be like, please don't shoot me. But thank you for being so dedicated to your job. Like most people would not have loved their. I could shoot.

[Allison Rosen]

What passion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. Let me re. Evaluate you, please, quickly. Well, sad but weird. But don't you just want to. Everybody. Here's what I want. Everybody who's going to kill themselves, kill yourself and don't take out others and then kill yourself. There's a lot of. Like, he took out seven co workers and then he killed himself. He took out 10 students, then he killed himself. He took out his newborn and his wife and his wife's new boyfriend and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

then he killed himself.

[Allison Rosen]

A gun.

[Adam Carolla]

It just kill yourself let's eliminate the middleman here. Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

The other way around, of course. The people who then kill themselves. Maybe they go, ah, forgot to kill the others before I kill myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Cranston]

My life is horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Put that. Post it on your forehead. Yeah. Well, everybody who. Everyone who jumps off the bridge. And I always, like. It's always weird to me, but I think I can explain it. You know, they did that leaper movie or whatever that movie was, where they just filmed people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

[Brian Bishop]

The bridge.

[Adam Carolla]

The bridge, Daisy.

[Brian Bishop]

Documentary.

[Brian Cranston]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Really good. And it just. Everyone committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. And the. I don't know, two or three people who lived. Not everybody dies. And I don't know if that makes you superhuman or colossal. Fuck up. If you're trying to kill yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

I can kill someone with bad luck.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't even jump off the fucking Golden Gate Bridge and kill myself. But you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and you don't kill yourself. The first thing that everyone says is they wish they were back on the bridge. Bridge when they jump off the bridge. But I also wonder if that's just some crazy endorphin rush that makes you more that. That's your reptilian brain saying, you need

[Allison Rosen]

to dial it back. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to be four feet behind you.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But that first thing is, why am I out here? But maybe they all get.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like their instant thought as they're in the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The first thing they think of is not mission accomplished. It's more like, shit, why am I not back on that sidewalk? But that's. I think that's more the. Your body.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Jumping in. That's why you can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's also like that thing in New York all the years I. I lived there, whenever. And I think a lot of New Yorkers do that. When you're standing on a subway platform. That's. That there's that thought of, like, what if I jump? What's stopping me from jumping? What if I jump? But I. I just eventually stopped ever worrying about that because I was like, I don't think. Like, there's just no way my body's gonna allow me to do that.

[Brian Cranston]

But everybody thinks that you're on. You're on a tall building and you look off.

[Adam Carolla]

What would it be like if I

[Brian Cranston]

was falling off this building? That's kind of a creepy thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

But it doesn't mean that you have suicide wishes. It's just kind of A.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I'm just saying if you're gonna kill yourself, kill yourself, but don't kill other people and then kill yourself. It's gonna, you know, tarnish your legacy. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you kill yourself and people are like, he was in so much pain. You kill three people and then kill yourself. You go, what an asshole. And they call you a coward.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah. You ever notice that? That also, there's a comment when someone dies and they say they add to it. Oh, and she was so good looking. As if there's more of a loss, the better looking a person is, oh, my God, he died. But, hey, you know. Yeah, not so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She was an A cup. It was a little bit hippy, so that's about the. So bad. And sure, some of her cancer research was starting to pan out, but have you ever seen her yearbook photo? Yeah. What you call a loss.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

On the other hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

The girl who was a stripper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So sad and so sad.

[Brian Cranston]

She got hit by that bus.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we basically treat them the same way we treat cars that get into accidents. You know, if you're tercel and someone backs India, it's like, what are you gonna do? Put a little Bondo on there? You'll get back. But when a Ferrari goes. Gets crumpled. People are like, oh, what a. We're aesthetic society. We were shallow, but we may be right too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's plenty ugly people, and it does thin the ugly herd a little bit. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe that's why we get sad, the loss of.

[Brian Cranston]

Of beautiful people.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

Survival of the one less gorgeous person.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a problem with Princess Grace going down. It's like, oh, it's a beautiful Aston Martin. And her. Oh, Jesus. This is a one, two punch cars and pussy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess Natalie Wood was a little past her prime when she.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she hit the drink. But she didn't take a nice car with her.

[Allison Rosen]

At least she didn't take a nice car with her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, Jane Mansfield, you know, these people, they. They left us and they took a nice car.

[Brian Cranston]

I guess she could have taken a nice boat and a couple other actors with her.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have been a bigger tragedy.

[Brian Cranston]

That would have been a huge thing.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm just saying, if Princess Grace was driving, like, you know, a race rental, like a Pontiac Sunfire.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't have been as bad.

[Brian Cranston]

You think that comes out. Oh, my God. Princess Grace died. What was she driving?

[Allison Rosen]

Adam would say that.

[Brian Cranston]

What was she in at the time?

[Adam Carolla]

She must have been. I she was in like a sports car. I think it was a Jag. For some reason. She was just going along a mountain highway in. In Monaco and like went off the side of the road or something. But I'll guarantee it wasn't a, you know, it wasn't a Renault alliance or something. It wasn't a K car. You know, it was. It was something. Wasn't a Dodge. Yeah. It wasn't a box from. From back then. It was something. Something nice. Her husband would have, you know, seen to that.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna find out what that was. I'm gonna go with Jag. What? Rover.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's like brown color.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But, well, the picture we're seeing, that's a V8 car.

[Brian Cranston]

That's what she was driving.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird car for her to be driving.

[Brian Cranston]

How do we know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Rover is kind of a cool car.

[Allison Rosen]

But Anyway, the Rover P6 series is a saloon car model. I've never heard of a saloon car.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a race.

[Brian Cranston]

It's got a bar inside.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a racing. Yeah. It doesn't have a regular door. It has a flat door. So go flap. Go back and forth, sidle up to the dash or the two fingers. Plane of castor oil. That's right.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, that's why she died. She fell out of the saloon doors.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't watch those.

[Brian Cranston]

That's a bad manufact.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. She was driving a very nice car for the Princess of Monaco there. Was she.

[Brian Cranston]

Maybe she was trying to keep low profile.

[Adam Carolla]

She was slumming it.

[Brian Cranston]

She didn't want to do what the monkeys would do if they showed up at Davy Jones funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? You didn't want it? They didn't want to go to that funeral. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

They're respecting or expecting the family's wishes.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody asked them not to go. Right. We wanted to do something tasteful in private. Right.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah. Maybe they had a falling out. Did we know that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, when Gladys Knight goes to Pips half to show up.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. When you go, we have to show up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. You have to. When Davey Jones goes, the monkeys don't go. And when the golden girls go, or when one of the, you know, Rue McClanahan goes, the rest of the golden girls don't go. It's just Whitey don't. We don't honor.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So we don't honor.

[Brian Cranston]

When he goes. Do I have to go?

[Adam Carolla]

If.

[Brian Cranston]

When Adam goes.

[Allison Rosen]

Be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice.

[Allison Rosen]

It would be nice.

[Brian Cranston]

Listen, I just want to respect his wishes and have a nice low key service. Well, I don't want to take.

[Allison Rosen]

Make your wishes known now, Adam. It'd be nice binding.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to hire a lot of heavyset black women to yell no and

[Brian Cranston]

throw themselves and just cry and just weep.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not we fellow. Just bellow and they yell, lord, take me, take me. And then dive. Faint and dive. Yeah. They're going to, they're going to fan themselves, they're going to swoon and then they're going to dive into the smelling salts on hand.

[Brian Cranston]

You're going to have an open casket when you go.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I don't, I haven't, I haven't planned it out, but I, I want somebody making some noise and I don't feel like my family's vocal enough. You know what I mean? I really want somebody. I really want someone whipping it up, you know? And that's why I need the heavyset

[Brian Cranston]

women of color at, at John Ritter's memorial.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I miss that guy.

[Brian Cranston]

I did too. What a great guy he was. At his memorial, the USC marching band came out. Played like mothers. It was fantastic. It was amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost hear it.

[Brian Cranston]

Because you're almost. No, maybe not.

[Adam Carolla]

Ritter. Super nice dude.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna. My, my Mount Rushmore of Hollywood non douchebags. I'm going to put. I'm going to put Henry Winkler posthumously place Ritter. Yeah. Bryan Cranston if you go to the funeral. Yeah. And Michael. No.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's the fourth non douchebag.

[Adam Carolla]

I kind of like the idea of

[Brian Bishop]

leaving it open though. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Brian Cranston]

Let him see who sits on this couch.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Cranston]

And fawns over you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Larry Miller would be very upset if he doesn't make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I, I got, I got to

[Allison Rosen]

say, but you wouldn't expect him to be a douchebag.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I gotta say, Ritter just. What? Just, just a nice guy. Just a really warm guy or sort of Henry Winkler nice. Shakes your hands with both hands.

[Brian Cranston]

That'.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you play a villain in something though? I'm remembering there was sort of cognitive

[Adam Carolla]

dissonance because bad Santa was one of his last things, which he was a really cool roll in and sling blade and I sat next to him on a. We were flying to Orlando to do a TV pilot. Me and him were doing a pilot once a million years ago and I was retarded at the time. And he was explaining to me that a book just came out like, this is the worst thing ever. Like a tell all book just came out about some chick who, you know, had sex with a lot of Hollywood types and that he was in it, but he was married to his ex wife at the time. Yeah. So I said, well, what was the problem? Because you're sort of out of there now. Well, he was with his new gal at the time, time and hooked up with this chick, and it was just sort of chronicled in the book of, you know, he went to New York and it was this date and easy to find on the calendar, and we met it there. And he took me, offered me a ride in his cab. There's whatever. And it was just one of those, oh, God damn, you got to sit. I mean, you miss old Hollywood, you know, when these people just be killed. You could be gay for a thousand years. No one.

[Brian Cranston]

No one knows.

[Adam Carolla]

No one has any corporate questions. Hey, that guy's a Jew. Get him out of here. It was a great time. It was a great time. And he was just all bummed out because he knew his new gal now, Amy Y. Amy Yasmin, who he'd been now. Now been with or then been with for, I don't know, 20 years or something like that, was going to get hold of this book and find this. This math I can't figure out. My book must have came out in 96, something like that, but had. We just talking about his dad, Tex Ritter.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, you know Tex Ritter, don't you, Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

He's a. I know Tex. I don't know what you have a country personality? Singer.

[Josh Gardner]

Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, he was an actor, too. And an actor and a. And a. You know, a horseman. And so he would do those kind of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's a movie star. Yeah, it was just a really. Just a really sweet guy and a really interesting guy. There's a.

[Allison Rosen]

The book wasn't you'll never eat lunch in this town again, was it? I just know that's a book that pissed off a lot of people.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think it was that. But if you can find a book that came out in about 96 where some whore talks about having sex and it's not.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not. I'm with the band.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not really that fair because most dudes, when they land in jfk, if there's a hot chick and she says, hey, you want to share a cab into the city? Or I got a town car, you want to ride? Oh, you're staring. You're staying at the Four Seasons. I'm at the Four Seasons. It's you Want to. You do that. And then if the chick says, you want to have a cocktail, I got time to kill. Most guys are going at least to that base, let's be honest. And most your dudes. And this is the way it works, you know, everyone's like, well, why do all these Hollywood guys cheat? If you took Joe the plumber, you put him down at jfk, had a hot chick say, you want to share a town car with me, and then offer to buy him a couple. Couple drinks at the Four Seasons, he'd be it. He'd be in, too. That's the way. That's the way it works. It's called opportunity.

[Brian Cranston]

But as a. Would you have gone there would. If you had that scenario happen, would you go and have a drink with her? Wouldn't you think, oh, wait a minute. This is getting out of my sharing the Cab.

[Adam Carolla]

This is 96. I always say it's sort of the difference between robbing a bank and finding a wallet. Bank robber. Then you, You're a thief. You find that wallet. Let's see if there's any cash in here. You know, I mean, you're not quite. You didn't go out to steal anyone's money.

[Brian Cranston]

You didn't know you were going to

[Adam Carolla]

find a innocent jog, and you kicked something, some pussy.

[Allison Rosen]

I suspect a wife or girlfriend wouldn't see it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they would not. But I swear to God, there's still. We need to see the difference. And maybe I speak way too much about this, but there is a fun. There is a moral difference between going out trolling, right?

[Allison Rosen]

You going, one's like, you're a serial cheater, and this is what you do when you're not with your wife. The other one's like, oops, your dick fell on someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you tripped, you know? Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

No, but you know, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you can't. You can't do it. I'm just saying it is a sort of a thing where it starts off as you're standing in the airport and you're going, geez, that chick is hot. The one standing by baggage carousel number four. And then you turn around and the chick standing there and she says, you want to share a cab into. And most guys aren't really wired to tell hot chicks, buzz off. No, you get away from my chick. I'm spraying my cock with apple bitters just in case you try to devour it. So the next thing you know, you're in a fucking cab. And then there's the thing to do. Yeah, yeah. I don't cheat, but there's that. I don't have anything to do. You want to have. Let's have a cocktail.

[Brian Cranston]

Now, see, that's the step. That's where you. You draft a draw, right? There's. There's one thing being a kind. And you're going to share a cab or you have a car and you're going to give her a ride.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a pro. She says, I'm at the Four Seasons, too. Know.

[Brian Cranston]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. But it's the.

[Brian Cranston]

It's the. Want to have a cocktail? Then, you know, it's crossing into an area. Yeah, that's dangerous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I'm just saying. Guys. Guys have a libido.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

It's exciting.

[Brian Cranston]

I have a story about John Ritter.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Brian Cranston]

There was. He produced a movie that I was doing, and I. I went down to Dodger Town with. With him and.

[Adam Carolla]

Vero Beach.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, Vero Beach. And we were on the same team and playing. It was great.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[Brian Cranston]

And I had done a commercial years ago with Amy Yazbeck, and so I met both of them, and so he's just a really terrific guy. And we were in a movie together called I Forget. It'll Come to Me. But anyway, he said, I'm gonna be in New York. I'm doing a Broadway show, and that's why I'm here. And I go, oh, I'll come see the show. And he goes, no, no, don't, don't. Don't come see. It's. It's not very good. Don't. Don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I go, john, forget it.

[Brian Cranston]

Come on. I'm gonna be a New York. My wife, Robin, and I will come see the show, of course. Now, Brian, really, you don't. Don't. You don't have to do that. Ah, come on. I thought he was being modest. So I get to the. We get to the. I said, we're gonna go see John show. And Robin goes, oh, man. I hear that's terrible. I hear it's got bad reviews. And. And I said, that's what John said.

[Caller Walter]

It's.

[Brian Cranston]

Well, we shouldn't go. But I told him I would, and. All right, maybe we'll see if we can get out of it, because I don't want to be in that position.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Oh, okay.

[Brian Cranston]

And so we walk down into Times Square, and I said, well, let's just go see where the theater is, and then we'll, you know, see it, and then we'll go to bed. We'll figure it out tomorrow. So we're walking down. Oh, there it is. There's a theater on 45th street or whatever. And we walk down 45th street to see the one sheet. And as soon as we get to the theater, boom, all the doors open, and people are pouring out going, wow, what was that? And someone drops a playbill. And I say to Robin, follow me. And I swoop down, I pick up the playbill and put it in my hand, and I walk over to the stage door, and I knock on the stage door, and I say, bryan Cranston and Robin to see John Ritter. Oh, right away. Yeah, come on in. Come on in. So I go inside. Robin, meanwhile, cannot lie. She is the most purest, wonderful woman in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Picked up the whore at the airport. She can lie. Built a reputation on a bedrock of lying and deceit. But you have your wife. Of course she can't lie. So.

[Brian Cranston]

So she's like, no, no, no, no, I can't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. Just breathe.

[Brian Cranston]

Just breathe.

[Josh Gardner]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

It's okay.

[Brian Cranston]

I can't. No, don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't. Greatest role of his life, dragging her in.

[Brian Cranston]

And then we go in, and he goes, I can't believe you came. And Robin's shaking, and I go, john, are you kidding? Of course I came. Why didn't you call me? I would have gotten your tickets. I don't want to bother you with it. Come here. Get me a hug. And we're hugging. And he goes, well, what'd you think? What do you think what I think? Of course you're having fun. It's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Cranston]

And I said, who's this? And it's his daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, let's talk about her. Sure.

[Brian Cranston]

Let's divert this thing and then talk about Larry Miller. Larry was going into that play.

[Adam Carolla]

Going in.

[Brian Cranston]

Going in.

[Josh Gardner]

He.

[Brian Cranston]

He and John Lovetts were in the audience, and they were watching the play because they were hired to replace the actors, John Ritter being one of them, and to go into that play.

[Adam Carolla]

Lovett's the greatest King Lear Broadway's ever seen, by the way. What else do you do that's wrong as sidebar, but go ahead. Yeah.

[Brian Cranston]

At the end, he couldn't lift up his daughter, so he just had a wheelbarrow. So. So they come backstage and they're. They're very dubious about this whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

They're going, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Larry's going, I don't know. I don't know what the hell is going on. I don't.

[Brian Cranston]

Know, what do we get ourselves into?

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Brian Cranston]

And John's going, I don't know about this. And they go. And then John Ritter goes, well, Brian and Ramen saw tonight and they're going, what did you think? Now we have to relive it now. John and Larry and I go, well, I, you know, fan their moments and all, you know, you bring yourself into it and when, you know, and they're asking specifics, well, what about.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was great. I love that part.

[Brian Cranston]

And you, it all came together. I was just dancing as fast as I could, just trying to get out of it. But I didn't have to see the play.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

Which was a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Cranston]

And my wife was. Her palms were as wet as, as the lake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the, the. I feel like as an actor with some improvisational background, you probably relied pretty. Yeah, yeah. And wives aren't, aren't as good at lying.

[Brian Cranston]

No, she, she, she was very nervous about that, but it was fun. We got away with. And years later I told Amy Asbeck that story and she laughed and she said, you know what's funny is that I wish that you had been able to tell John that story before he passed, because he would have howled.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was, he was just, just a good dude. And I wonder what the name of that book was. Now it's bothering the shit out of me. All right, one, one more story. Do you have that?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Robert B. Sherman, two time Academy Award winning songwriter, died Monday the age of 86 in London. And you may not know his name or you may, but he, you certainly know his songs. Along with his brother Richard, who is still living. The World War II vet composed the music for Mary Poppins, the Jungle Book, the Aristocats, the Parent Trap, Charlotte's Web, Winnie the Pooh, Chi, Bang Bang. And he wrote It's a Small World.

[Adam Carolla]

All the, all the stuff.

[Josh Gardner]

Stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I think him and his brother sort of learned to hate each other. I mean, anyone who's forced to collaborate and it came out of the same womb eventually learns to hate each other. So that's a given. He did all this great, he did all these great songs and I think I saw a documentary on him and his brother. They're very interesting cats. And then he ended up moving to England and painting or something like that. But what a legacy this guy leaves.

[Brian Cranston]

He wrote It's a Small World.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And that's grading it.

[Brian Cranston]

That's gonna, that's taking some points off.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Cranston]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because that does get, it gets.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you feel he's more harm Than good.

[Brian Cranston]

I think in that song, it was. Boy, that was. I don't know if he ever thought that that was going to be played on a loop forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a quarter every time that thing is played. Yeah. He. He. And when you watch, you know, you go back and you watch these movies, especially in now that I have Kids, and you watch, like, Dick Van Dyke, and you go, God, this guy was a talent. Like, you just think, ah, that's the guy from Murder, She Wrote or Matlocker or whatever. Matt Helm or whatever the hell his name was. We'll figure it out. But the point is, you just go. You sort of know them for who, you know where you know them from as an adult. But you go back and watch Mary Poppins and you see Murder. He's Diagnosis Murder There you go, you see him dancing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And singing in his cockney accent. And you see the guy's moves, and it's like, wow, this guy was a really great dancer. And his accent was funny and his singing was funny.

[Allison Rosen]

And you go, I believed he was a chimney sweep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he's doing it all, you know, it's not a bunch of quick cuts and cgi.

[Brian Cranston]

A mensch, man. This guy, I've worked with him a couple times, and he's really a sweetheart.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Jew from For Cool. It's.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, he's. Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

He may be going up on a Mount Rush. Non douchebag, non douchebags.

[Brian Cranston]

Dick Van Dyke. Let me nominate him. I think he's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

He could be like a placeholder for a time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, everybody's a placeholder. You can all get bumped. You know what I mean? You got to keep. You got to stay cool to the grave.

[Allison Rosen]

Otherwise you got to stoke your non douche status.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. Every time the flame of ego comes up, you must. You must extinguish it with douche. Non douche.

[Brian Cranston]

Non douche.

[Adam Carolla]

Powder form like grandma used to. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian Cranston's face on the Mount Rushmore of Mount Douchebags. You're one bad move, by the way, from being chiseled into John Cho.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Easily. Yes, it's been said many times, Brian. I'm glad you brought it up again. All right. He'll be missed.

[Brian Cranston]

He'll be missed.

[Adam Carolla]

But his brother miss him.

[Brian Cranston]

Making lots of money.

[Adam Carolla]

Brother doesn't like it.

[Brian Cranston]

Making lots of money. And you know that I'm a member of bmi.

[Adam Carolla]

You are? Yeah. Because.

[Brian Cranston]

Because while I was on Malcolm in the Middle. I got a call from the guy who does the. The All. He has to write down all the moments of music on a show and report that back to Fox. And they said, you should join BMI because you create music. And I said, I don't know what you're talking about. He says, well, anytime you have whistle or hum, technically, that's music. And you should be the. The author of that and therefore get royalties.

[Allison Rosen]

And you can get 10 cassettes for a penny.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yes. Yeah. So.

[Brian Cranston]

And I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. But doesn't someone else have to whistle that hum or hum that whistle or do whatever it is in order for you to get a payday?

[Brian Cranston]

No, because when they.

[Adam Carolla]

When they do reruns.

[Brian Cranston]

Reruns of Malcolm in the Middle, I get. I get a quarterly payment of. Of two. Two to three. $300 still.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah, Just for.

[Adam Carolla]

The rich keep getting richer, don't they?

[Brian Cranston]

Isn't that a great world?

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Brian Cranston]

It's like. It's like humming. 0.5 seconds, whistling. 1.5 seconds. You're humming, whistling, humming, whistling.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird that there's somebody in charge of that and they somehow figure it out because I would never pay me or Brian. Like, I'd just be like, screw him. Look, if he comes to us one day and goes, hey, man, I've been counting the. One of my friends told me that they were in a hotel and they saw a rerun of Malcolm in the Middle. And it was the one where I was getting out of the shower and I was humming and I went to my mailbox and I haven't seen shit in there. Yeah. So somebody owes me some humming money. Then we'll pay Cranston. But until he comes to us, fuck him. This kitty don't hum for free, baby.

[Brian Cranston]

And they said, as long as you don't hum or whistle any known tunes. And I said, please, I don't have to copy someone else's work. Yes, I'm an auteur. I write my own music, thank you very much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You dance to the hum of your own piper. Yeah. All right, Allison, bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Brian Cranston]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. Brian Cranston. You're a hands on guy, right?

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You like to build. You like the work. You like to roll up your sleeves. The kind of guy likes wearing a collar but rolling up his sleeves. Might I suggest one of our sponsors, autoshepperd.com autoshepherd.com youm get all your parts.

[Brian Cranston]

I don't know what auto shepherd is.

[Adam Carolla]

You can get your car parts from auto shepherd. You probably guy like, you know you're busy.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got, you got a TV series. You have a popular best of humming for lovers coming out.

[Brian Cranston]

It drops on Tuesday.

[Adam Carolla]

It drops on Tuesday. Check itunes for that. But you still want to work on your own car. And that's why you go to autoshepherd.com you go online, you get. Get whatever you want. Brake pads, rotors, whatever you like. Distributors, alternators, doesn't matter. All there. All under one huge roof and all in your computer. Autoship.com they're giving away $100 shopping sprees all this month until March 31st. You go to autoshepperd.com contest and you enter. That's right. That's how you do it. And 15% off the brake pads and the rotors. If you work on your own code car. And you should. It's just, it's just something a man should do. Autoshepherd.com that is autoshepherd.com contest. Just go to autoship.com let them know you heard it here. And finally, stamps.com. now, Brian, this is. You work from home. On occasion.

[Brian Cranston]

On occasion I do.

[Adam Carolla]

You have an office?

[Brian Cranston]

I do have an office, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And all those heavy parcels you have to mule down to the post post office. It's back breaking, back breaking, sweaty work. Stamps.com put an end to your misery with Stamps.com does all the stuff you can do at a post office minus a stink eye from the barely employable federal employee who's pissed off about her pension and her cost of living increase being only 2% last year. None of that. You could do stamps.com. you can buy and print official US postage right off your computer. Computer at home.

[Brian Cranston]

No, you can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you can. Brian Crancy, you're probably thinking, but how

[Allison Rosen]

do you know how much postage to put on your parcel?

[Brian Cranston]

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

[Allison Rosen]

You're welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

You weigh it. You get a free scale, a digital scale. You put. Let's say I wanted to send this, this, this delightful packet of Nutter Butter bars. And I want to send it one of my friends in Indiana. I'd weigh it.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd punch it in a computer and the exact right postage would come out of my computer. Pow. Put it on there. Sent away. And I would hand it to. I'd hand it to the postman and when he did that thing where he was going, here's your penny saver.

[Brian Cranston]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, don't bring the penny saver to anyone with gates. They ain't in a penny saver. You see a Jag parked in the driveway and you got a fucking. If you're talking through an intercom, we don't want the penny saver. Let's move up the dollar or quarter saver. Maybe the nickel's there. But when the guy's laughing and he goes, here's your phone books. Here's your 80 pounds of phone books and your 13 penny savers, you go, hey, bitch, not so fast. I got something for you. And you hand him your parcels. Now take them. Take this Nutter Butter walk at the Indiana.

[Brian Cranston]

So it's all at home.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all.

[Brian Cranston]

The postman comes by, you hand him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You leave it in the post box. Leave it in your box. You hand it to him. Whatever you want.

[Brian Cranston]

That's a fantastic service.

[Adam Carolla]

Stamps.com. click on the microphone and the top homepage there. You type in Adam, you get the scale for free and 55 bucks. Free postage.

[Brian Cranston]

I swear to you, we. I was talking to my assistant about this today.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you should keep that conversation rolling.

[Brian Cranston]

I'm telling you, we're going to. Stamps.com.

[Adam Carolla]

that's right. Stamps.com. promo code Adam. And again. John Carter, the movie. The film in theaters out Friday, March 9th. Breaking Bad, of course. Fifth. Fifth season. It's gonna air January.

[Brian Cranston]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry.

[Brian Cranston]

July.

[Adam Carolla]

July. Screwed that up on amc. Always at the light on the Mount Rushmore. Non douchebags. I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything better about a man. You can Twitter Brian at Brian with a Y.

[Josh Gardner]

How do you like that?

[Caller Walter]

Green.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. One of the one. By the way, one of the senior Brian's with the Y because most. Most the guys over 40 got the. I don't see that too often. No. Definitely a trendsetter.

[Brian Cranston]

I tried.

[Adam Carolla]

You can Twitter him at Bryan Cranston. And until next time, Adam Crowley for bald Brian. Bryan Cranston and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Brian Cranston]

Who's wiping Allison tonight?

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

All right, that's Bryan Cranston in studio for Adam Crollo show, episode 772. That does it for Ace Crollo Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

mindset.

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