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- [00:15]
A
Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics, which you can find exclusively through podcast One the entire ad free archive, every single episode. And if you like the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out adam corolla substack adamco.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us. Classics Adam corolla.com All right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla Show 709, featuring Carlos Mencia, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011. Good day Ball, Brian. I don't want to have this erection. I don't want to have the thoughts I'm having. How you doing, Allison Rosen?
- [01:03]
B
Hello.
- [01:04]
A
Allison asked just before we went on the air, did Michael lynch have his baby yet? No. And why do I care? Well, he does all the work for me when I do my live shows. The live show is sort of a PowerPoint presentation with big pictures and big screens and things going off behind me. He runs the Macintosh, and I'm going out to Philly Keswick Theater. Thank you. On Thursday, and I don't think he's going to be there. And we said, all right, maybe Mike August can do it. And then we both started laughing. And I said, he's been in 150 shows. How can he not know the rhythm? And we both decided a drunken stranger from the crowd would be better off running that Macintosh.
- [01:47]
C
He knows the rhythm. Go in green room, eat Chartuderie, play a tray, right?
- [01:52]
A
Eat a tray. Talk on a cell phone.
- [01:54]
B
Bitch about bad art on the walls. He did that once. And I thought, oh, aren't we learned?
- [01:58]
A
Complain about the oatmeal cookies, eat more vegetables.
- [02:03]
B
Give you his watch.
- [02:03]
A
That's right, give me his watch. Yeah, I don't own one now. I own one that I can read. My eyes were too bad before I had them fixed to be able to read or didn't know when I got to the 90 minute mark of the show. Yeah, and that is. We forgot.
- [02:20]
C
Act confused.
- [02:20]
A
Act confused. That's right. So I don't know, have to talk to Chris about going on the road because I spoke to Mike and Mike did one of these things. Mike's a good guy, but you can't do this. He did this one. And you tell me why. You tell me what's going on. Remind me to tell you something. I was just complaining. I hope you're sitting down. I was just complaining about this earlier today, which is I got a call from my realtor at like. And it's okay. This is why I don't react appropriately to things, because I got a call from my realtor at like 11 o' clock this morning. And she said, the Burbank warehouse, which is not where we're at, but it's another warehouse that I sold, but the new tenants, people bought it, have not taken it over and it's filled with my junk. She said, I. The fire sprinklers have gone off. A water main broke and the place is flooding. And I thought, holy shit. And I started picturing, what do I got over there? Oh. Oh, God. I got boxes with pictures and photo albums and everything. Are they on the floor? Did I have them up off the ground? I got car stuff over there. What's getting ruined by all this water. And she said, I'm heading over there now. And I had something that I was going to do, which is go to Home Depot and buy some stuff for this warehouse. And I thought, oh, I better get over there too. And then I thought, oh, fuck it, I'm not gonna do anything anyway. And then I said, well, go over there and call me when you find out, because I don't react to things anymore because everyone's full of shit and everyone is Chicken Little and the sky's falling. And then she called me about an hour later and said it was a pipe outside of the building. There's nothing wet inside the building. And I said, that person wasn't able to convey that to you over the phone. Well, I don't know. They saw water. I know. And I was yelling at my fucking assistant, J. Which is. It's like, how come they didn't know? Or how come. Actually, because they wanted it this way. They like it. They like the fact that hey, oh, hey. Oh, hey. And then you go, oh, hey. And then you've come over there and then there's nothing. And you feel like you've been fucking, anally raped with a fucking sock filled with sand.
- [04:39]
B
Dry sand.
- [04:40]
A
Dry sand.
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B
As opposed to that wet sand, not.
- [04:41]
A
The moist sand that you hear so much about, you know, closest to the water, right?
- [04:45]
B
Quicksand. Yeah, yeah, not a quicksand. Anal raping.
- [04:49]
A
And I was just like. And my first thought is, always glad I didn't go, yeah, glad I didn't go. And secondly, I will meet my demise this way because there'll be a fire alarm going off in the hotel I'm at.
- [05:02]
B
You'll be like, fire. Or someone smoking a cigarette outside the.
- [05:04]
A
Hotel, fuck it, I'm going to. I'm getting right back in bed. And eventually, that's all. I'll meet my demise. Or. And I was just like. And again, the person that conveyed it to my realtor. Really? You don't know the difference between a pipe that's broken outside of the building and one that's broken inside of the building? There are windows that you could look through.
- [05:25]
B
They're pretty radically different.
- [05:26]
A
And everyone hides behind this veil of, I'm sorry for being concerned. You know, it's like, shut the fuck up. I can't take that part of life where everyone is trying to agitate me and it's like they're fucking jacking you off. But again, with a she should be.
- [05:42]
B
Fined for false alarms.
- [05:45]
A
So anyway, I didn't go. And then when she told me, I was kind of pissy about it, like, thanks, appreciate it. She hung up. But again, it can't be conveyed whether the water's coming streaming from inside of the building, which is a major catastrophe, versus outside the building, which falls under the heading of who gives a fuck.
- [06:04]
B
You also would think she would figure this out before alarming you. I don't know. It's like she doesn't listen to this podcast and know who you are.
- [06:11]
A
Nobody knows who I am. So I was talking to Mike lynch tonight, a little earlier tonight, and I said, what's it looking like, buddy? Because they induced labor and nothing and it's not going on. And he said, yeah, nothing's happening. And we're talking for a bit or two about, well, who's going to Philly and how we doing the show. And then what about Detroit and what about Chicago and what about Denver? How are we going to do these shows? You going to make it? Am I going to break in a new guy? And we've used other guys before. We use Giovanni. We were in Seattle once and stuff. It's fine. They just lay it out on the computer, PowerPoint, whatever. It's fine, but we're talking about it. And then he went, oh, gotta go. And he hung up the phone and I went, oh, shit, he's having the baby because they induced the labor the night before. And I thought, just perfect. I'm on the phone with him talking about when this baby's coming, talking about the dates. And he gives the, ooh, gotta go. And he hangs up the phone. And I did the. Oh, my God, she's having her baby. And then I thought, now some doctor or nurse or somebody walked into the room. And he called back about 10 minutes later to his credit and said, yeah, doctor walked in, but there's always enough time. I don't know why my grandmother always pissed me off. Because if I was ever visiting with her and the phone rang, she'd pick up the phone and she'd say, you know, hello? And then the person, you know, Mildred, would say, hi, Helen. And she'd go, mildred, I can't speak to you now. I'm talking to my grandson. I'll have to call you back. And she'd hang up and. And I think, first, Biddy, why'd you pick up the phone? Like she had a phone answering machine. Like, okay, don't pick up the phone. Number one, Number two. I will lot you an extra two seconds to go, hey, my grandson's here. Can I give you a call back when he leaves? Should be about an hour. Awesome. And hang up. Instead of that. I'll have to. You know, I don't think. I don't even think she would say, I'll have to call you back. She'd go, I can't speak now, my grandson. And it's like, is this how you feel important in life? Because there is an element of that, like, for this fleeting moment, I do kind of feel important.
- [08:18]
C
So this is Lynch's power trip. That's what you're saying.
- [08:20]
A
Every time he has a kid, he pulls this shit.
- [08:23]
B
I know.
- [08:23]
A
No, lynch, you know, he's a nervous dad. He's sleep deprived. He's frayed. I'm sure his wife's uterus is on his last nerve while she's trying to. Whatever. And the doctor walked in and he just did. He gotta go. Probably knowing he was going to call me back. So no big deal. Nowhere near the pipe. The sprinklers are going off in the warehouse. But, yeah, I could do with a Gotta go. Doctor just walked in. You know, doctors that we think the doc's gonna do. Throw a fucking throwing star at your jugular if you go two more syllables. All right. Anyway, he called back five minutes later, and we'd discuss. I don't want to find Chris. Not sure that kid's last name is.
- [09:08]
B
See the alternate. I forget his last name, too. The alternate to that, though, is the person who says they have to go and then stays on the phone for 10 more minutes and then they have to go. And then another five minutes and then it's like you've had to go for the last hour. And I wanted to go this whole conversation.
- [09:22]
A
Yeah, you got my to go pussy wet and now I want to go pussy. That's number one. I hit the dry for. I'll take two also.
- [09:33]
B
You want balls with that?
- [09:35]
A
I want a side of balls. No, someone. I forgot to talk about this dude. I forgot about this dude. We got to put this dude on the hypothetical road trip. Forgot to talk about this guy the other day. Saw him on Thanksgiving. See him every Thanksgiving. The I'm going to work out in front of everybody, dude, on Thanksgiving day, dude, you know, two in the afternoon and I'm jogging up the street or I'm doing my thing, you know, I'm at the park and I'm doing my. Come on, dick. You should be drunk in front of the TV set, seeing if you can put on £14 and that's 11 hours. Don't give me that fucking shirt off. Chugging up the hill, letting you know just how much better he is than you. Look at me, it's Thanksgiving and I'm fuck. Enjoy that stuffing and that drumstick, you fat fuck. Look at me, look at me.
- [10:26]
B
Working out, rollerblading, carrying the poles.
- [10:30]
A
Yeah, yeah. I hate that ass. Wife. There should be a moratorium about because there's a shame factor. I'm just losing. Undoing my pants at this point. I got working out.
- [10:41]
C
He knows what he's doing.
- [10:42]
A
He knows that's what I'm. That's my point.
- [10:44]
B
You don't fucking work out on Thanksgiving on that day.
- [10:47]
A
It's a good point. It's a good point.
- [10:49]
B
Saves up all. He eats Thanksgiving dinner every other day and then just works out on Thanksgiving.
- [10:54]
A
Oh, when I'm in charge, I'll have a thing where, you know, just like my thing with the, with the marathon, which is you got six hours to finish and your ass is out. Or by the way, you can keep running, but you'll be running next to semi trucks and drunken gang bangers and lowriders like streets open at that point. When I'm in charge, Thanksgiving workouts will be. The cutoff will be 9am and then if you'd like to resume at 10pm that's your business. I'll be shit faced and asleep in front of the TV set, pants down. Yeah, I don't wanna see your fucking ass going up the hill at noon. You understand?
- [11:30]
B
There should be a calorimeter around and if anyone Burns a certain amount. They're executed.
- [11:35]
A
I'm going out and buying a barrel of rum and I have to see your ass going up the hill jogging with your shirt off. I don't go for that shit.
- [11:43]
C
All right, you're also going out getting your turkey because they made ham for you.
- [11:46]
A
That's right. That's right.
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C
And your pie.
- [11:48]
A
The other thing I thought of, just because I'm addicted, I just. I walked into the kitchen and the news was on. And they. Egypt held its first election in like 30 years. And. And the big news story was, Egypt holds election and no violence. And everyone's like, you know the news, hey, look, we got something going there. And I thought I said, that's awesome. And it's kind of like if you had a 29 year old son with severe down syndrome and you went, hey, guess who tied their shoe today? On one hand, it's great. On the other hand. What year is it?
- [12:22]
B
Egypt. Yeah.
- [12:23]
A
Hey, you guys had an election. That is so awesome.
- [12:30]
B
We're coming up with doing that for.
- [12:31]
A
A lot longer coming up in 2012. Are we? That is awesome. You had an election with no violence. There you go, boy. You really. Next thing you know, an airplane with less than three wings right around the corner.
- [12:45]
C
No biplanes.
- [12:47]
A
You'll get to step up to a biplane.
- [12:49]
C
But you got to encourage the good people.
- [12:52]
A
I rather shame them and just go.
- [12:54]
D
Are you fucking high?
- [12:55]
A
You're celebrating this. You guys had an election with no violence.
- [12:58]
B
It is. Yes. Which works better for Egypt and their positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement?
- [13:05]
A
Positive reinforcement is looked at as a weakness.
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B
What if every time in that part.
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A
Of the world, what if every time.
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B
They have an election without violence, someone goes, then they associate it with elections without violence and treats.
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A
I'm just saying, please. What year is it, people? All right. And Brian had a story about the Saints Monday Night Football game.
- [13:27]
C
They're winning right now. Monday Night Football looks like they're gonna win the game. So there's a story I've been meaning to tell for a while, and it involves the Saints. And I had to get it on the air, but I didn't have a good opportunity. This seems like as good as any. So remember when the Saints had their training camp in Oxnard a couple months ago? Oxnard out here in Los angeles area, about 40 minutes away.
- [13:46]
A
Raiders used to have. Or El Segundo, I think was the Raiders. Maybe Dallas was out in Oxnard, I think.
- [13:53]
C
I think any team that wants to make sort of a media splash and get some extra coverage and Just sort of be out there in the public consciousness. Goes to LA for training camp.
- [14:01]
A
Yeah. Cowboys used to have it in Thousand Oaks back in the day, right?
- [14:05]
C
Yes, in the Valley. Correct. When there was those fires, by the.
- [14:07]
A
Way, I was invited as one of the high school all stars in the Valley to go watch them practice many years ago. Part of a treat. Yeah, it was cool with Tom Landry and you know.
- [14:19]
C
Did you like any of the Dallas players because you were a Rams fan?
- [14:23]
A
I was a Rams fan and it was. It was a funny thing. We got to eat lunch with the Cowboys.
- [14:27]
C
Awesome.
- [14:28]
A
Oh, you went.
- [14:29]
C
How'd you get out there?
- [14:30]
A
I. I hitched a ride with a guy named Chris who had a car. Yeah, my dad was instantly.
- [14:35]
C
Yeah.
- [14:36]
A
Assuming cars did not take you. No, one guy named Chris Hardwick had a. Not. Not. No, no, no, no.
- [14:41]
D
Sorry.
- [14:41]
A
Chris Hardwick, what did he play? No, Chris Harden was his name. Sorry.
- [14:45]
C
Had a holder or a.
- [14:46]
A
Put on Corona. Had a Corona Toyota Corona station wagon. I had that. I had my first car. Really?
- [14:53]
C
It was like a hatchback type thing. I abso.
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A
Toyota Corona.
- [14:56]
C
They discontinued those.
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A
Yes.
- [14:58]
C
Early 80s.
- [14:59]
A
No shit. But he had a. He had a wagon and he drove. It was me, him and like one other guy. They picked like three all stars from every team in the Valley. Got to go out and watch these guys practice. And then when they showed the training film that year, the Rams beat him. And I was the only one who cheered.
- [15:15]
C
I usually can't compete with you and lynch on Tales from the Cheap, but if I can, it was that in my high school, senior year of 1996, I drove a 1981 Toyota Corona. It was terrible.
- [15:27]
B
Everywhere. Brother or sister in that. In every movie from the late 70s, early 80s.
- [15:34]
A
Yeah, it was. It was a shitty Toyota station wagon, but his was red. But anyway, go ahead.
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C
The Saints.
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A
Saints.
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C
The Saints practiced in Oxnard for a week, preseason practice. And I got a Twitter or email that goes. A Twitter from a guy named Carter Sheridan, who is the wide receivers coach for the Saints. He's a huge fan of the show. He listens all the time. Loves Allison, loves the show.
- [15:55]
B
Is he cute?
- [15:57]
C
Yes. He's a good looking man. College ball. Yeah.
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A
Man of color.
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C
Black guy.
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A
Yeah.
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C
Allison's face.
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A
I did the Carter wide.
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B
No, no, my face dropped because I have a ball. I'm into the man of color. It's just that I'm not.
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C
You have a suitor in New Orleans.
- [16:14]
B
Awesome.
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A
Okay.
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C
So anyway, he's a coach. He's the wide receivers coach on the team.
- [16:18]
A
Assistant coach.
- [16:19]
C
He's a huge fan of the show. Listens all the time, downloads daily, has the app on his phone, has the whole thing. So a big fan. And he says, hey, how about you guys come out to the practice? I'll get you guys sideline passes, whatever you want to do. It was the week that you went to Hawaii, so you couldn't go. Allison didn't really have any interest in going, but I was like, absolutely, I'll go. So I hooked up with Carter Sheridan.
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A
There he is. Yeah, there he is.
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C
Got his number, went to the practice. He did his thing afterwards. Came up to me, and the plan was to do jock walking. We're gonna do, like, gay walking and nerd walking. We do jock walking. And I brought a tape recorder with me. Same one you brought, or we're going to bring to Mike August's wedding.
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A
The little tape recorder.
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C
Brought it. And Carter, being a huge fan of the show, hooked me up. He got me interviews with Roman Harper, Malcolm Jenkins, Lance Moore, and Drew Brees.
- [17:05]
A
Wow.
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C
Almost wow. The recorder malfunctioned, and it recorded, literally, me saying hello to Drew Brees, like, hey, how's it going, man? And then nothing. And I literally. I asked him. I asked Drew. I asked all these guys the jock walking questions. They were fairly clever questions. Malinch and I came up with some good ones, and it was a great bit. And maybe if we can get Carter on the phone sometime after the season, we can do jawcking with him, because it was kind of a funny idea, but we had a Drew Brees exclusive down the drain.
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B
Yeah, I'd be an asshole if I said what I'm about to say.
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C
Drew Brees.
- [17:42]
B
No, no, no, no. The question, your service. Was the tape recorder malfunction not a human error? Not that you could make an error. No.
- [17:48]
C
Probably was human error. If I had thought to turn it back on you. If someone had been with me to work the tape recorder as I asked the questions. A lot of things, you know, asking the questions. I probably messed it up. I still think I did it the same way I did it here in the studio when I practiced. But whatever happened, it messed up and we lost the interview.
- [18:09]
A
Yeah, True breeze, man.
- [18:10]
C
That guy's a list NFL talent.
- [18:12]
A
He's a stud. He's having a great year this year. And he is one of these guys that's. He's a great story because physically, although a great athlete, doesn't have the tools that some of these other guys have, but just works his ass off. His great work ethic and a Crazy story, I think, with his wife.
- [18:29]
C
I love coming back from the injury thing.
- [18:30]
A
Coming back from the injury and all that. Just couldn't happen to a better guy. Especially going to New Orleans and seeing that town in ruins and all that kind of stuff. All right, so someday we'll get Carter.
- [18:40]
C
Sheridan on assistant coach from the New Orleans Saints to play jock walking.
- [18:43]
A
We're all gonna just be poised by our computers in a three point stance waiting for that. And thanks, Carter. Thanks for listening and hopefully you guys go on to win tonight. Mangrate got a holiday special. This is something Carter would enjoy. I saw a picture of that dude. Looks like he's no stranger to the barbecue and the mangrate. I mean, what an item. What can you say? 100% made America 100% cast iron, 1999. Give him the gift he'll actually use. God, I don't know. Get you one. Get him one. Get her one. Get the neighbor one. You know, for fun. You know how you have to get your mailman a gift instead of giving him 20 bucks or a bottle of scotch? Get him this.
- [19:25]
B
Yes.
- [19:25]
A
Drag this around. Hyperextended shoulder dragging the shit around all day.
- [19:30]
B
That's right.
- [19:31]
A
It is one. It's like an engine block of barbecue. Just. It's an awesome item. I really. I defy anyone to get the man grate and then come back with a complaint. I'm all ears. Somebody buy this thing and then tell me, you know what? Not impressed or I didn't feel like maybe it's worth 18.99. Oh, contraire. There's as much steel in this thing as there is in a Daihatsu charade. Do you know that?
- [19:54]
B
I didn't know that, but wow, an.
- [19:56]
A
81 Corona Toyota Corona. And I got a bonus. Comes with a heavy duty mangrate grilling brush and the Adam Corolla logo burnt right into it.
- [20:05]
B
Yeah, because the mangrate is too heavy to carry around with you at all times. But the grill brush, you could stick that in your purse. You could stick it in your dash, on your dashboard.
- [20:13]
A
Hang it for behind your ear. Mm. All right. Do you have some. Some news?
- [20:19]
B
I sure do.
- [20:19]
A
Cranked up for us? Let's do that. The news with Allison Rosen.
- [20:25]
D
She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison Allison.
- [20:40]
B
Herman Cain in the news again today because an Atlanta businesswoman accused GOP Presidential hopeful of having had an affair with her that lasted 13 years. Now, this affair, it's not supposed to be harassment. It's supposed to be a consensual affair. Now, Cain, aware that her announcement was coming, preempted the announcement by telling CNN a few minutes before his. Before the assertion by telling CNN the assertion was coming and that it was false. And we have his denial.
- [21:08]
A
Oh, really?
- [21:09]
B
Yeah.
- [21:09]
A
Wow.
- [21:10]
B
So unlike the other harassment stories where it took a little while for him to resp. Got out in front of this one and preempted it.
- [21:20]
A
So someone's gonna say something that's not true.
- [21:23]
B
That's what he's saying.
- [21:24]
A
How can you say that about 13 years?
- [21:27]
B
Yes. Well, let's hear his denial and tell me what you think. So this is Wolf Blitzer. This is Wolf Blitzer interviewing him about whether, you know, the affair happened or not.
- [21:38]
A
I don't know about that. Do you have a 13 year affair with this woman? No, I did not. Did you know her for 13 years? Yes, but I did not have an affair. Okay. And until I see and hear exactly what's going to be, what the accusations are going to. Going to be made, let's move on. Yep. But I acknowledge that I knew the woman. I acknowledged that I've known her for about that period of time. But the accusation that I had a 13 year affair with her. No. Do you. I gotta see a picture of her.
- [22:10]
B
And we have. Yeah, well, we. And we have her, the interview that she gave coming up next.
- [22:16]
A
I'll tell you, the guy really fucked this whole thing up for everyone was Schwarzenegger. Because in the past, you just take a look at a chick and you go, oh, please. I mean, one way or the other, if it was Fawn hall, you'd go, oh, I get it. And if it was Maggie Hernandez or whoever it was, you'd go, oh, I don't think so. He fucked up the whole thing.
- [22:36]
B
Yeah.
- [22:37]
A
You know what I'm saying?
- [22:37]
B
I do know you're saying.
- [22:40]
A
Yeah, well, you know, Cain likes pussy.
- [22:43]
B
Clearly.
- [22:44]
A
Yeah.
- [22:45]
B
And people are so. A lot of people are predicting this is gonna be the end of his nomination or his bid. And he answered the question of, you know, does he plan to drop out of the race? He said, not as long as my wife is behind me. And as long as my wife believes I should stay in the race, I'm staying in this race. Wow. Apparently her reaction to this whole thing was, oh, here we go again. I mean, how much are you really.
- [23:08]
A
You know what I gotta do? I Gotta get these chicks together with my wife, you know what I mean? Cause my wife, they'd be sitting around and my wife would go, you know, sometimes when I'm talking about Bruce Springsteen, I think he tunes out a little bit. And they'd go, oh, really? That's the extent of it. Wow. And they'd backhand her and go, cry me a river, bitch. My fucking husband's been balls deep. And everybody. She lives in Mississippi.
- [23:32]
B
Does your husband get upset with you about the coffee mug? They'd be like, what? So this is the woman who had the. Allegedly had the 13 year affair. And she's talking about it.
- [23:46]
A
Mm.
- [23:47]
E
I was aware that he was married.
- [23:49]
B
And I was also aware that I.
- [23:50]
E
Was involved in a very inappropriate situation. Relationship.
- [23:56]
A
I wanted to come out and give.
- [23:57]
E
My side before it was thrown out there and made out to be something, you know, filthy, which some people will look at this and say, well, that's.
- [24:08]
A
Exactly what it is.
- [24:10]
E
And I'm sorry for that. I didn't want to do this, but it was something that I felt at.
- [24:17]
A
The end of the day was the.
- [24:18]
E
Right thing to do. And is it going to hurt a lot of people? Yes, I'm sure.
- [24:23]
A
I'm interviewing herself. I like that. Why does she need to throw it out there?
- [24:28]
B
It was going to come out. Yeah, that's what she said. She said that it was going to come out and she wanted to. What happened is. Well, she's kind of saying two things. She said that it was going to come out because someone had tipped off the news stations about it. But she also said that she was watching Herman Cain on Letterman and he was kind of demonizing these women and saying that they were liars and that her heart went out to them. So she wanted to come forward.
- [24:55]
A
I don't know what to think.
- [24:57]
B
And then she was asked, are they still having an affair? And she said, I think it's safe to say after this interview, no, but we have a friendship. And he gave her two copies of his books. CEO as self and I don't know what the other one is. And he autographed both of them.
- [25:12]
A
Really?
- [25:13]
B
That really has no bearing on this. But yeah.
- [25:15]
C
What ethnicity is she?
- [25:17]
A
Hard to tell.
- [25:18]
B
Harlot. I read some. Someone made a quip about Herman Cain and white women. But she looks not. She looks kind of black.
- [25:27]
A
No, I'd give her white.
- [25:28]
B
You think she might be a little of both?
- [25:30]
A
Whiteish chicks tan it up a lot these days. And she's got a very masculine look. I don't know if that's what he's into.
- [25:41]
B
The women who accused him of harassment were blonde and not super masculine.
- [25:46]
A
I wonder if he.
- [25:47]
B
I think he likes all kinds.
- [25:48]
A
I think he doesn't have a discerning penis. He'll take anything. Raccoon in a dumpster for a penis. You know what I mean?
- [25:56]
B
A raccoon in a dumpster looking for. Oh, his penis is a raccoon in a dumpster. Oh, I see.
- [26:01]
A
Whatever. Yeah, chicken ribs, fish. It doesn't matter. Whatever. Got. Whatever. The campers tossed out that.
- [26:06]
B
So you're saying his penis pretty much has opposable thumbs? Get into anything.
- [26:10]
A
I know.
- [26:10]
D
Dudes.
- [26:12]
A
I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but they're dudes. They just fuck. It's like, sex is sex. I'm getting pussy. Other guys, you know, they treat pussy like transportation. Like, look, I got to get from point A to point B and I'm doing it. And there's other guys who are like, I'd rather not unless I can drive, you know? All right, let's go. Let's just go. Car. Car analogy. There are a lot of guys that go like, I would rather not drive unless I can go like, Nissan Maxima or above. Now, look, we're not going to get a Bentley, a Rolls Royce or Ferrari every night, but there's a sort of a minimum. I don't want to be seen in the Corona with bald Brian. You know what I'm saying? Look at the tailpipe dragging.
- [26:58]
B
Right, right. Like, oh, that girl's a pogo stick. Fun to ride, but I don't want anyone to see me riding her.
- [27:03]
A
Yeah, I think we'd do that with moped, but that makes more sense. The point is. Yeah, because it's kind of impressive to ride a pogo stick. But the point is, you know, you.
- [27:11]
B
Go Nissan Maximum just because you rode a unicycle.
- [27:13]
A
Yeah, I did. Nissan Maxima. Where you go, okay, it's got a V6. It's nothing flashy, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's like a decent looking car. Like, the female Nissan Maxima would be like, all right, not gonna get made fun of. Nothing wrong. Not a junker.
- [27:28]
B
Solid.
- [27:28]
A
And so then their guys go to a bar or go to a party or go to a wedding or go to what have you. And they'll start off with the Ferraris and the Lamborghinis and whatever, and they'll work their way down, and eventually they'll get to the Nissan Maxima, but they won't dip Below that, because we've all seen this Chevy Cavalier coming down the road with the rust.
- [27:51]
B
Do they get drunk car goggles?
- [27:53]
A
Yeah. Just saying, you know what you're talking about? We're talking about, you know, Nissan Maximum is a good solid five and a half or six. And then the guys, you just won't dip below that. Then there are guys you're like, I'm fucking right? I'm driving like I need to get from fucking point A to point balls. And that's what I'm doing, right? And yeah, I'd like a Ferrari, but. And I'll take the Maxima, but I'll fucking take the Chevy Celebrity. They ironically named Chevy Celebrity because no celebrity's ever even been in one, right? No celebrity shopped for a Chevy celebrity. But I'll fucking take it. I'll take it with the primer on it and the fucking fender pushed in. I don't give a fuck. I'm getting laid. And there are those dudes, and I know those dudes.
- [28:35]
B
I think all cars feel the same in the dark. I think that's what they're thinking.
- [28:38]
A
I think they produce more testosterone or.
- [28:41]
B
Do they just have lower self esteem? No, it's not about self esteem for guys.
- [28:44]
A
It's like, fuck it, I'm getting laid. It feels good.
- [28:47]
B
Is it an age thing or is it like it's every guy like that from the beginning?
- [28:51]
A
Are we looking at a Chevy celebrity?
- [28:53]
B
No, we're looking at a woman.
- [28:56]
A
I've always known those guys. They're out there. They don't look any different. They don't talk any different. You couldn't tell by hanging out with them. There's no, like, oh, that guy's a horn. Oh, he's wearing a medallion with a shirt undone to his navel. Now it's just regular dudes and they just like pussy. I mean, they get made fun of by other dudes because they fuck a lot of Zuzu Troopers, but the reality is they're more man than I. Because my thing is, if I can't, as soon as I dip below the Maxima, I'm going home and beating off the Lamborghini. I'm calling it a night. Well, I mean, actually, I do beat off the Lamborghini. That wasn't a good metaphor.
- [29:42]
B
When you're with a woman, are you picturing a car when you close your eyes? Is that too personal?
- [29:49]
A
No.
- [29:51]
B
Yeah. Well, two things.
- [29:52]
A
So he likes pussy?
- [29:55]
B
Yes.
- [29:55]
A
And he likes the whole cornucopia. The entire used car lot.
- [30:00]
B
And she said that it Was like always fun and kind of exciting and apparently he can turn on the charm.
- [30:05]
A
He's got an addiction and he likes pussy just like Bill Clinton likes pussy. And that's the way these guys are. And most politicians like pussy. That's what attracts them to do this sort of thing. I mean, CEOs, politicians, business magnets, guys like, you know, oil, Oil tycoons and magnates of various and stuff like that. They're like pussy. They produce more testosterone. They're that guy. They're not the. I married my childhood sweetheart. I worked in the same mill making textiles for 40 years. And I love Magnus very much.
- [30:41]
B
They're not in that and they're not in agriculture.
- [30:43]
A
We're now living in a time where it's front page news. It used to be we. It was understood, but it wasn't spoken about. Now it's spoken about. So now we take this new template and we go, oh, well, this guy's unfit. But everyone who came before him, or most who came before him or many who came before him would be unfit as well. And then we get in that thing where you go, oh, no, it's not they like pussy. It's that he lies.
- [31:09]
B
Right?
- [31:10]
A
You have to lie. The fuck are you going to say? I love pussy.
- [31:14]
B
I love pussy.
- [31:15]
A
They should, and I think they will one day. But that's thing now, I'm not a huge Herman Cain fan. I just don't like this road we're going down where this vetting process involves who you fucked in the last 20 years.
- [31:28]
B
Herman Cain's attorney came out and made a pretty compelling statement. He said, this is not an accusation of harassment in the workplace. This is not an accusation of an assault which are subject matters of legitimate. Yeah, which are subject matters of legitimate inquiry to a political candidate. Rather, this appears to be an accusation of private alleged consensual conduct. Adults. A subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office, or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life. The public's right to know and the media's right to report has boundaries. And most certainly those boundaries end outside of one's bedroom door that said her by. By addressing this ahead of time, Herman Cain, then, I think makes it a subject of public inquiry. He's making it part of the story. Of course, to be fair, if he were to ignore it, it still would. And people would wonder why he's not saying something about it.
- [32:24]
A
I gotta talk to These guys wives.
- [32:26]
B
Yeah.
- [32:27]
A
I love this.
- [32:29]
B
43 years. Gloria Kane.
- [32:31]
A
Well, that's how you stay married for 43 years. I mean, she must have known about three quarters of this shit, right?
- [32:37]
B
She's not known, right? I mean, how could she? Cain texted and called the woman that we heard from today like 63 times or 463 times or something insane in the last couple years.
- [32:50]
A
Well, let's just say, you know, the guy goes, look, I like pussy. I like your pussy. I like everyone else's pussy. And sometimes you're not around, but I love you and I'm gonna provide for you.
- [33:03]
B
Yeah, that's good enough.
- [33:04]
A
Is that all right with you? I mean, I don't know.
- [33:09]
B
Agreed upon.
- [33:10]
A
Well, first off, they've been married for 43 years, right? She's wasn't brought up on Britney Spears, you know, I mean, she is from a different generation where you sort of look the other way, right? But it's this historically not a new thing. You marry a guy, he becomes successful. He provides you with a big house and a home. He takes care of the family, the kids. He pays for college. And in exchange, you. You lead a life of privilege. He gets a little pussy on the side, he doesn't bring it home. You look the other way and you don't smell his dick. That's the part that we forget to put on, right? Oh, my God. It's exciting. That's the way it goes.
- [33:52]
B
And all the pizza you want.
- [33:54]
A
Yep, that's right.
- [33:54]
B
Well, unfortunately, that isn't working out for them right now because it is very much in the public.
- [33:58]
A
Yeah.
- [33:59]
B
Kansas governor Sam Brownback apologized Monday for his staff's overreaction to a disparaging tweet directed at him by a high school senior during a Capitol visit. Emma Sullivan made national headlines last week for tweet she said was intended just for her friends. During a youth and government field trip to the state capitol, she wrote, quote, just made mean comments at gov Brownback and told him he sucked in person. Hashtag, he blows a lot. The senior said she did not actually talk to Brown back. And the Post referenced a joke she had with a student on the trip. The next day, she was called into principal Carl Craw's office. She says, I had no idea what it was about or why I was being called into the office. I'd never been in trouble before. Apparently one of Brownback staffers had notified the principal. She says, my principal told me he needed to do damage control and was really upset. He said I was an embarrassment. To the school and the school district and that I had been disrespectful. He asked her to write a letter of apology to Brownback and his staff and set Monday as the due date for the letter. But she did not write the letter and doesn't want to write the letter. She says, I don't think I should write the letter. I don't think it would be the best move for me at this time. I do not think an apology would be a sincere thing for me to do. She said that her parents and many of her peers support her decision. And now Brownback is apologizing for his staff's overreaction. How ridiculous is this?
- [35:20]
A
I don't know what's going on out there. There's too much fucking information. I'm tired of it. I don't want to know anymore. I don't give a fuck who's pregnant. I don't care who's breaking up. I don't care who's gaining weight. I don't care who's lost weight. Except for Mitzia's lost £70. We talk about that.
- [35:37]
B
I know, insane, but a tiny person just wandered by.
- [35:40]
A
We're way too fucking up everyone's ass. Yeah, like, who gives a shit? Take care of your fucking family, take care of yourself, take care of your neighbors, and call a life, would ya?
- [35:49]
B
That said, even though it is ridiculous that he reacted to this thing on Twitter, I can sort of understand. I'm not forgiving it, but I can sort of understand losing perspective when you read something mean about you on Twitter and just kind of having a knee jerk reaction. I mean, this was one of his staffers, so that's ridiculous. But I do think that when you just encounter something derogatory, you sort of forget that this might just be a young person who's one of a zillion people out there and you don't need. It's not, you know, you don't need to react to it.
- [36:23]
A
Yeah, I had people lie about me on their radio shows and in public and say things that I did that I didn't do and all that kind of shit all the time. And my first reaction is, oh, I gotta straighten this out. And then the next one is, why just fuck it deeper into it, like, who gives a shit? Do you move on?
- [36:42]
B
Do you always have that knee jerk, I have to fix this reaction? Or do you sometimes. Do you sometimes immediately go to, eh, who cares?
- [36:51]
A
I have. I had an instance. See, the problem is then when you talk about it, then it just perpetuates the thing, and then it just goes deeper and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just. I had this instance recently where somebody tweeted me something and directed me to something on YouTube and then found some other thing on YouTube where somebody was calling me a liar and a fucking asshole and a douche and lying about a situation that couldn't have been further from the truth. Like it didn't exist. Like, it was literally fabricated. Like, I didn't even know what the fuck they were talking about. I really don't. And I even talked to Dr. Drew about it because I saw him the other day, and I said, because he was allegedly there during this, and I was just like, this never happened, did it, Drew? And he's like, no, it never happened. And then you realize people calling you a liar about something that never, never happened. It's insane. And your first impulse is, oh, fuck, I gotta straighten this out. And then your next one is. Usually the healthier impulse is, I'm gonna drink some red wine and watch SportsCenter because I'm not dancing with the tards. And that's that. So that's. But I understand. I understand the impulse, right? I definitely understand the impulse. I mean, Carlos Mensilla, I'm sure, said his fair share of that as well. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's probably good for your career to dance with the tards. You know, it creates something. Oh, well, I mean, think about. You know, think about. I don't know what Donald Trump has been able to do or what a lot of these people have been able to do with their feuds or their arguments or the Kardashians.
- [38:39]
B
Even if it's negative or positive, as.
- [38:40]
A
Long as you can't, whatever, you're just staying out there constantly. You know, the death of somebody with no talent or no ability is not staying out there.
- [38:49]
B
Right?
- [38:49]
A
I mean, you know, it's sort of like, well, if you're Paris Hilton and you're not embroiled in something, then you're just a talentless chick who can't act, sing, or do anything.
- [38:57]
B
Speaking of, where has she. She been lately?
- [38:58]
A
That's my point. She's a fucking. A talentless chick who can't do anything.
- [39:02]
B
Now. Now Courtney Stodden is taking her place, and I barely know who.
- [39:06]
A
I don't even know who that is.
- [39:08]
B
She's married to someone a lot older, and they always make fun of her on the suit.
- [39:11]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [39:12]
B
Oh, Dr. Drew was dragged into that thing because he was. She said that she didn't have implants. And on life changers, he was. I think they. They did X rays to see whether she really had implants or not. And I thought, oh, Dr. Drew.
- [39:26]
A
Yeah, I saw Dr. Kim Kardashian at her ass X ray. I'm like, really? What do we really. What would the founding fathers think of this?
- [39:35]
B
If they're around, they'd say, what are X rays?
- [39:38]
C
Well, they're like slaves.
- [39:39]
A
Yeah.
- [39:39]
C
So think of the big ass thing.
- [39:41]
A
Yeah. It's just fucking nuts.
- [39:43]
B
All right, there he is.
- [39:44]
A
Where were we looking all Dr. Drew, I know.
- [39:47]
B
The bodies of three men have been found in shallow graves in eastern Ohio. All of them believed to have been killed after answering a craigslist ad to work on a cattle farm. There's two suspects. Brogan Rafferty of Stowe, who's a 16 year old and he's been charged with attempted murder. And 52 year old Richard Beasley of Akron. And he's being held on unreleased. Oh, yeah. And Brogan Rafferty's father says that Brogan was manipulated and corrupted and says that he's a mild mannered gentleman. The investigation began the night of November.
- [40:23]
A
6Th, when now we looking at a picture of the two guys are being accused.
- [40:27]
B
Yes.
- [40:28]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [40:30]
B
They don't look unguilty.
- [40:32]
A
No, no. I mean it definitely. You know those things where they interview the neighbors and they go, did you have any idea this would be one incident? They usually go, no, he's a mild man. Guy kept to himself. He seemed to enjoy his family. This would be one case where all the neighbors go, oh yeah. By the way, why weren't you here five years earlier? Because I feel like this has been going on for a long time. Yeah. That is a father son team right there.
- [40:56]
B
And yet they're not father son.
- [40:58]
A
Geez, look at them though. They just fucking look. Really.
- [41:02]
B
Except the one on the right, the Brogan Rafferty, if that's who we are looking at. Which. Okay, I'm getting a thumbs up. Does look a tiny bit like Corey Feldman. Just a tiny bit.
- [41:14]
A
Brogan is like one of those things that Dawson would call you if he was asking to have a hit off your joint. I was just gonna say that. Hey, Brogan, what's up? Brogan. Yeah, now you work Brogan into a sentence with invol marijuana. Dude, dude, Brogan, don't Brogan that joint.
- [41:29]
B
Brogan, can you work Brogan into a sense involving marijuana and also killing someone who answers a craigslist ad?
- [41:36]
A
He's stoned. He can't do one. He's trying to think too hard.
- [41:42]
B
Okay, don't hurt yourself. The investigation began the night of November 6th when a noble county deputy sheriff responded to a call and came upon a white middle aged man.
- [41:50]
A
Say this, say this, you gotta use the carb brogan. I like that when guys shout out instructions because half the bongs have a carb and the other half don't. And so the guy starts sucking on it and his fingers thumb's not over the carb hole and nothing's happening. He says, yell from across the room, there's a carb brogan. You make the bong, Brian. You do the bong sounds. This will be perfect. All right, you ready? Here we go. I'll get going. Dude, you gotta use the carb brogan. All right, let's try it one more time. This time have fun with it. And don't, don't, don't start with dude. Just yell bong noise. Here we go. That's habit. You gotta use the car brogan. Perfect. Right?
- [42:36]
B
And now a cough sound. Do a cough sound.
- [42:43]
A
Wow. All right. This guy looks like a serial killer. Yeah, he also looks like my buddy Dave Cravens. I'll find a picture of that guy one of these days.
- [42:52]
C
Doesn't the chubby kid have that look that like, he could have gone either way. He could have been like a choir boy, you know what I mean? He's got the innocent sort of look to him. And now he's like toughening up.
- [43:02]
A
Go easy on the hash, Brogan. And the shallow grave part. Look, if you're gonna commit to killing, let's commit to digging a grave.
- [43:12]
B
Yeah, you're right.
- [43:14]
A
Why make it so easy for the authorities with the shallow grave unless they.
- [43:17]
B
Want to be discovered? Do you think the guy's nose was still sticking out of the ground?
- [43:22]
A
See, Brian, this is why you couldn't be a cop. Because it'd be like, hey, we found these guys in a shallow grave. And you'd be like four and a half feet. I'd call that a medium grave. And you'd be like, well, it just sounds better to say shallow, but I.
- [43:35]
C
Mean, of all the graves I've seen, you know, six foot being the deepest and shallow graves really being about a foot or a foot and a half, two feet at the most. This falls on the deeper side.
- [43:46]
A
I'm just saying, give me a little poetic license here, would you? Bury it in a shallow grave. It just looks better on the headline of the newspaper.
- [43:54]
C
Okay, I will concede that it is shallower. Than the average grave. Most regulation graves are six feet, and this by definition is shallower. We'll compromise prepared in a shallower grave.
- [44:05]
A
Shallower grave, Shallowish grave.
- [44:07]
C
I'll give you that. Shallowest.
- [44:09]
B
The most boring NCIS ever.
- [44:12]
A
It looks like shit on the masthead there. Come on. Where were we?
- [44:18]
B
So, the shooting victim. The way the cops discovered this was because a guy who had been shot in the arm sort of showed them what happened. The shooting victim, who's from from South Carolina and was not identified by police, told the sheriff he had answered an ad on Craigslist offering work caring for cattle on a 688 acre property. He met with the two suspects and drove toward Stock Township after being told a road was closed due to a landslide. The South Carolina man got out of the car to start walking toward the property, which he was told was nearby. While walking through a heavily wooded area, which is is danger tip number one. You might go to a lightly forested area, not heavily wooded.
- [44:58]
A
I would not walk through a well lit mall with these guys with a security attache.
- [45:07]
B
I don't think he had that beard.
- [45:09]
A
Oh, okay.
- [45:09]
B
But he's scarier without it. There's a little picture here. His mouth is a permanent grimace.
- [45:16]
A
If you met Brogan's cousin, Guy Dude Bro.
- [45:22]
B
And his other cousins. Sup?
- [45:26]
A
There's got to be a guy named Guy Dude Bro on the planet.
- [45:29]
B
I know. I have a story about baby names. I'm gonna work that one.
- [45:32]
A
I want to hang with that dude. All right, let's see here.
- [45:34]
B
You know, okay, let me just get to this scariest part. He walked through the heavily wooded area and turned around to see a gun pointed at his head. Mm, that's scary. He deflected the gun and ran. Getting shot in the arm while fleeing. So he hid for seven hours in the forest before going to a house and requesting help. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.
- [45:56]
A
That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, right. Go to meeting. You got the mobile. Gotomeeting. Gotomeeting. Brought to you by Citrix. You can go online from your computer. Attendees can join on any computer or their iPad. You can try it out for free. They got a free app. That's right. You can join with your iPhone or your iPad or your Android. Oh, so simple. What a time we're living in. You just tap the email invitation and instantly join it. Is that easy? Try GoToMeeting. Free. 30 days. 30 days free. So from now till almost 2012, that's.
- [46:39]
B
Almost a whole Year.
- [46:39]
A
I like those commercials that come on mid December. Go. No payments till 2012. Like, that's in 11 days, guy. Dude, bro, this is 30 days free. Go to the app store or Android market to download your free app. Then visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code Adam. And even if, I don't know, even if I didn't have a business, I'd do this just to hang out with my buddies.
- [47:02]
B
Even if I didn't have a computer or iPad, I'd do this.
- [47:05]
A
Yes, that's right. GoToMeeting.com Good guys, good sponsors, great product. All right, quick break. Back with Carlos Mencia next. Yeah, back with Carlos Mencia. Great to see you, Carlos.
- [47:26]
D
Likewise, man.
- [47:27]
A
Carlos has a stand up special. It premieres this Sunday, December 4th on Comedy Central. 10pm Carlos Mencia, new territory and website. Carlosmencia.com, twitter. Carlos Mencia. Great to see you. And it was funny because somebody said four days ago, I don't know who I was talking to, but said, God, Carlos Mencia's lost all this weight. He looks great. And I thought, oh, good for him. And then here you are. I didn't even know you're coming on.
- [47:54]
D
Oh, no way.
- [47:55]
A
Yeah. So what happened? How'd you. How'd you do all that? I know you're tired of talking about it. No, I've heard about it.
- [48:00]
D
You know, I got a friend that about a year ago got diagnosed with diabetes, and they were cutting off his.
- [48:06]
A
Toe and stuff, right?
- [48:07]
D
And I want to go see him, and the first thing he says is, man, you're fat. I'm like, dang, how you doing, bro?
- [48:14]
A
What the fuck?
- [48:15]
B
And.
- [48:16]
D
And then I thought he was kidding, but. But he looked at me and he's like, no, seriously, man, you know, you don't want to end up like me. And that, like, led me to start thinking, am I fat? You know, because my fat friends that are my height wear like 40 jeans. You know what I mean? I was like a 34, so I just. I guess I was like fat everywhere as opposed to, like in one specific place.
- [48:41]
A
You wore it? Well, that's the.
- [48:43]
D
Yeah, like, it was. You know what I mean?
- [48:45]
A
I wasn't like, yeah, you were. You were not fat. You didn't have, like, the big ass kind of thing.
- [48:52]
D
Yeah, exactly. So that just led me to go.
- [48:55]
A
Cut his toe off as a punitive step for having diabetes. Because that would be my thing, like, as a doctor. Yeah. I'd be like, listen, fat ass, you're gonna lose a leg.
- [49:03]
D
Oh, yeah.
- [49:03]
A
But I'm just taking a toe.
- [49:05]
D
Oh, yeah.
- [49:05]
A
And I'll let you pick the toe. And don't worry, it won't be a big toe, but I'm taking the toe. And every time you wear flip flops, it'll be a subtle reminder to put down the fucking donut.
- [49:14]
D
Yep, that's pretty much how it starts. And my grandma went through the same thing, but my grandma was. It was harsh because she had like 10 or 12amputations by the time she died.
- [49:24]
A
Really? Yeah.
- [49:25]
D
It was like a toe, then another toe, then another toe, then a foot, then the other foot. You know what I mean? And it got to a point where literally she was just, you know, above the knee.
- [49:33]
A
Buried her in a hat box.
- [49:34]
D
Exactly, man. It was. And we were all telling jokes about it, too. It was up, man. It was up. My grandfather was like, she's disappearing on me. And we're like, holy, I can't believe you just said that.
- [49:47]
A
Well, let's talk about the cultural part of this whole thing, because I. I work with these dudes. I've worked with these dudes. When I say these dudes, I mean everybody but white people. Yeah. And there's a thing. And I was just talking to someone about this, which is the Latin dudes especially. It's just cheese and beef and rice and beans. It's like everything's fucking beef. It's beef every. I mean, but not just beef.
- [50:10]
D
Think about what's in a burrito. Rice, Shitty for you.
- [50:13]
A
Beans.
- [50:13]
D
The worst kind of carbs. Tortilla. Worst kind of carbs. I mean, it's just all the bad. The only shit get is little tiny pieces of fucking onions and cilantro.
- [50:20]
A
Right? And that's it. Every meal. And if they had beef jello, these guys would buy it. Oh, yeah. And they're cooking up the beef for breakfast and for lunch. You know, it's like eggs and beef and tortillas and beans and stuff. And it's like, now, I couldn't tell these dudes, hey, go to Jamba Juice and spend five bucks on a smoothie because they can get huevos rancheros for 4.99 and that's hot and sticks to your ribs kind of thing. And so it's like a cultural thing. Like, how do you tell people when this is. And they've been taught this is nutritious, it's hearty, it's hot.
- [50:54]
D
Actually, no, it's. Because where we come from, like, I was born in Honduras, and when I Lived in Honduras, we didn't eat any meat, you know what I mean? We ate meat like, once a week, if we were lucky, really. So it was a lot of vegetables, a lot of fruits, but that was the shit we had to eat because that's all that there was. So that was our top ramen, you.
- [51:13]
A
Know what I mean?
- [51:13]
D
That was our shitty food. So we come to America where they're like, hey, man, you can have beans and rice with meat and fucking eggs and all the shit you never had over there, right? For cheap. No, I mean, I came on, motherfucker. You know what I mean?
- [51:28]
A
It's insane because at Taco. At Taco Bell when I was a kid was 19 cents, and that sounds cheap, but gas was 79 cents when a taco was 19 cents. And now gas is $4 and a tacos 39 cents. Like, it hasn't gone up that much. It hasn't. Barely. Hasn't really even doubled. Gas is, you know, gone up tenfold. Tacos have gone just about double.
- [51:59]
D
I mean, pretty much stayed the same, man. Pretty much 20 cents. That's it.
- [52:03]
A
I would feel weird when I would go on runs, like, when I was building and I had the Latin dudes up at the house, and I have, like, seven Latin dudes, some of them family members, I'm sure, from 18 brothers and sisters. I'd say to them, I'd say, look, I'm going on a run. And by the way, there was no, like, hold on. I'm lactose intolerant. You know, I'm free food tolerant. That's how those guys are.
- [52:25]
D
Exactly.
- [52:26]
A
And so I'd go on a run and I'd be like, give me 28 soft tacos and 28 bean burritos and 28 chimichurris and chongos and 15 Pepsis. And they'd be like, that'll be 4.55. And I'd be like, wow. I mean, literally, give the guy $20 and get back $17 change. And I'm buying food for nine hungry dudes, everybody. And it's like, this is way too cheap. I don't know how they do it. It can't. Obviously, it's not all good. Right? Right. So you saw your fat friend in the hospital that lost a toe? Yeah. Which toe, by the way, do they.
- [52:57]
D
I think it was the one that.
- [52:58]
A
Went to the market or the one that went home.
- [53:01]
B
I was wondering as well.
- [53:03]
D
I think it was the. The fat one, bro. Yeah, the one that went to market. This one to the market, bro. So I couldn't get him. I couldn't get them sandals unless I could get. Not the thong ones. I guess I'd have to get the big strappy ones. It would actually flip off.
- [53:19]
A
It's also weird when you lose something to diabetes. You see, like, when you go in and you get your meniscus repaired like I did, the guy always says, how'd you do it? And you go, like, water skiing. And then they always go, well, no more water skiing for a while, Right? But when you lose your big toe, they go, how'd you lose your big toe? Sitting on my fat ass, watching TV and eating, eating, eating.
- [53:39]
D
A lot of that I'm not supposed to eat.
- [53:41]
A
Yeah. And I guess it's the same. No more. But.
- [53:44]
D
But it wasn't like he had diabetes. He just didn't want it. We knew it, right? We're like, bro, you weigh 450, right? Go to the doctor. You're sick. I mean, you. You can't walk. You're wheezing. You have that sleeping disorder. Sleep apnea. Yeah, go get a mask. I mean, it was just horrible, man.
- [54:05]
A
So you go in to visit, the guy calls you a fat ass. Yeah.
- [54:08]
D
And then.
- [54:08]
A
And then.
- [54:09]
D
I swear, I mean, I put it in my act as a joke, but it really. It really is. What happened that night when I was about to have sex with my woman and I never noticed this shit before, man, but we're doing. We're about to do missionary, and right before I got on top, you start.
- [54:23]
A
Thinking about the tortillas.
- [54:24]
D
No, she braced herself, bro.
- [54:25]
A
Oh, really?
- [54:26]
D
Yeah. And I never noticed that shit. Like, she literally went and fucking made a face and put her arms out, and I went, what the are you doing? And she's like, what. What did you just do? She's like, I didn't do anything. I was like, no, you just put your arms out and kind of fucking took a breath. And she's. I don't. She didn't know that she was doing it, right? And that's when I was like, did.
- [54:45]
B
That kill the romance?
- [54:47]
D
Hell, yeah, that killed the romance. I mean, come on.
- [54:49]
A
So you said, I'm going on a diet.
- [54:51]
D
Then it's not. I don't feel like I'm having sex at that point. I feel like I'm just fucking raping a chick because my weight is holding her down and she can't get away.
- [54:59]
B
Yeah.
- [55:00]
A
Oh, you're right. Sure. That wouldn't be good.
- [55:03]
D
No, that would be horrible.
- [55:04]
A
Right, Right.
- [55:05]
D
That was. That was, like, the thing for me, and I'M just an extremist by nature. Like, anything I do, I just do it to the ultimate. And that's what happened. I just lost 20, then 20 more, then 20 more. Then I said, fuck it. I'll do the next 10.
- [55:21]
A
Does it becomes. And I've definitely seen this with people. Becomes an addiction. I mean, it's the same gene that got them fat. Yeah.
- [55:28]
D
Yes.
- [55:28]
A
Which is. Come on, you've had nine donuts. You don't need a 10th. It's like, fuck it. I do. That's a kind of a mindset. And there's a. You worked out twice today. You don't need to work out a third time. Yes, I do. It's an extreme thing, but it also becomes. It becomes intoxicating. You're like, holy shit, I look good.
- [55:44]
D
Well, it does, because first of all, like, I was at the gym the other day, and I found myself being that douchebag looking at himself in a fucking mirror while he works out. And I was. You know, I'm like, fuck, man. I don't want to be that guy. But on the other hand, I work so hard that it's like, holy shit. I. I do fucking look good. I'm proud of myself, but I don't want to be that douchebag. So now I'm trying to sneak in peaks and trying not to be the douche, but I am the douche, and I'm fucking horrible, man.
- [56:12]
A
So what do you. What did you do? Like, what was the first thing you did?
- [56:17]
D
I did steps. I mean, I'm lucky, you know, I. I'm not poor. So I went to a nutritionist. He was like, okay, we got to do all these tests on you, measure your fat, see how much calories you burn if you just sat on your ass all day long. Then we got to speed up your metabolism. We got to give you all these supplements. We got to do this, do that. So then I went from, I think, eating about 2,500 calories a day to 22 to 2,000 to 15. I ended up going all the way down to, like, 500. Then toward the end, I did HCG and then sped up my metabolism. And the irony is, like, now I can burn if I work out anywhere between 3,000 and 4,000 calories. So I actually have to eat more now than I did when I was fat.
- [57:02]
A
What is your regimen now? Like, what is breakfast, what is lunch, and what is dinner?
- [57:06]
D
All right, A regular day for me is get up at about. If I don't have to do radio and Stuff. I'll get up at, like, 9, have an egg white omelet with veggies and, like, skim milk or coffee, whiskey, milk. Right, that'd be that. Then a protein shake three hours later.
- [57:24]
A
Yeah.
- [57:25]
D
Then a salad with chicken and, you know, like a light dressing. And I don't mean light. I mean, whatever the dressing is, just not as much as they put. So if they give me, you know, a big thing, I use one third of it.
- [57:37]
A
Right.
- [57:38]
D
With chicken, then. Then a protein bar three hours later, and then, you know, a meal with maybe a piece of steak, piece of chicken, piece of fish. You know what I mean? Something like that. With. With some kind of vegetable.
- [57:50]
A
Yeah. It always sort of boils down to movement and portion control, but that's it.
- [57:56]
D
Everybody ask me the same shit, and I. I don't want to be a dick, but I'm like, there's no fucking shortcut.
- [58:01]
A
Right.
- [58:01]
D
It's like a car, man. You know what I mean? You put more in, you get more out. It's the same shit. You just got to work out and eat.
- [58:08]
A
Right. It's weird because inherently, everyone is acutely aware of this, and if they didn't know it 20 years ago, it's been beaten into them over the last 20 years. But we all know it yet. There are millions of diet books sold every year, and there's one that's on the, you know, New York, New York bestsellers list every five minutes. And we all know. But we're all desperate for that shortcut.
- [58:30]
B
Right?
- [58:32]
A
But then. And I found usually when you start doing it, it's never as bad as you thought it was gonna be. And you actually sort of feel pretty good. You do feel good. You're getting sort of a positive momentum, and then it's not that bad. And it's not like someone says you have to just eat puffed rice patties for the rest of your life. It's actually, you know, the omelets you eat. Like, it's weird if you go, it's.
- [58:56]
D
Just an egg white omelet. Every once in a while, I'll have, like. Let's say I'm doing an egg white omelette. And I'll say, how many.
- [59:02]
A
Many.
- [59:02]
D
How many. How many eggs do you normally put in an omelet? And they're like four. Well, can you put one egg, just the whole egg, and then three egg whites?
- [59:08]
A
Right.
- [59:09]
D
You know what I mean?
- [59:09]
A
Right. Just to balance it out, you get to cheat on. On your Sunday.
- [59:13]
D
I get to do cheats whenever, you know, like that I mean, I'll cheat whenever.
- [59:17]
A
I really lost 70 pounds.
- [59:18]
D
Yeah, man.
- [59:19]
A
Wow.
- [59:20]
D
Yeah. It was like. It's right on the edge of. I was right on the edge of if. If I would have gained 5 to 10 more pounds and I would have lost this weight, I would have had to, like, go get laser surgery or something for my skin. I was like, right on the fucking edge where if I'm standing there and I make certain moves, you could go, oh, shit, that's where you got extra skin. Just tiny bit right there.
- [59:42]
A
Right.
- [59:42]
D
You know, so.
- [59:43]
A
And. But the good news is you weren't. You didn't go, Ralphie May, with the. With the act. I mean, like, you weren't doing fat.
- [59:49]
D
I never did fat jokes.
- [59:50]
A
Right.
- [59:51]
D
That's the weird part. I never fucking thought I was fat. I just never thought. That's why it really fucked me up when my friend was like, you're fat.
- [59:58]
A
I'm like, whatever.
- [59:59]
D
No, seriously, you're fat. And it really did fuck me up because I never thought that.
- [60:04]
A
Did he lose the weight or is he lost more toes?
- [60:07]
D
I think since then, he's lost like £35, something like that. But, you know, it's also.
- [60:14]
A
It's.
- [60:14]
D
But you know what you discover, though, how much food. For me, anyway, going through this whole fucking shit, what it made me realize is food has been such an important part of my life.
- [60:26]
A
Life.
- [60:27]
D
And not from a dietary perspective. From a perspective of when I would go out. Let's say I'd go to Fogo de Chow.
- [60:35]
A
Oh, yeah, exactly.
- [60:37]
D
I just loved feeding my family and friends because that was my way of saying I'm successful.
- [60:42]
A
Yeah.
- [60:43]
D
When I was in the projects growing up, I couldn't afford any of this shit. I couldn't go out to eat. I mean, I remember we would go to Jack in the Box and it was like, holy, we're going out to eat. For me, all that stuff represented so much more. It represented being a man, being a provider, being successful, not being ghetto, not being poor. I had to erase all that shit. That was a hard part.
- [61:06]
A
Not eating right.
- [61:08]
D
That wasn't the biggest problem.
- [61:09]
A
I come from the same family, by the way. We would go in and I'd have overhear these conversations with my mom and the store manager. Just top round, no middle or bottom ramen. It's all top. Because it's a little rich for Corolla's blood. Isn't it shred? Does it exist or you guys just not carry it? There's no bottom ramen, but yeah. So you go into Fogo de Cho.
- [61:30]
D
And they eat everything. And then your mom, like, my mom. Your Italian mom. Eat them more. Eat them more.
- [61:35]
A
You don't look good. I wish she sounded like the buzzard from the Bugs Bunny cartoon. But they, they, they. No, what happens is you go to Fogo de Chow, which is a. Like a Brazilian, or you can eat thing, and you pay 49 bucks for dinner, and you got to eat 50 bucks worth of food. You better. And it's the same way with me. It's like you fly me first class. I have to make it up with booze and food.
- [62:00]
D
Exactly.
- [62:00]
A
And desserts.
- [62:01]
D
Exactly.
- [62:01]
A
And I'm the guy who. When they push the cart by who with the ice cream sundaes, and they go, would you like chocolate tapioca or strawberry? I go, all three, bitch. Bring it all. Bring it all. Make three. Because I. I grew up desperate. Yes. And so you realize it's the worst thing you can do to your kid. But when you have 18 of them, I don't know how the fuck you avoid this. You do this. We're poor. It's like weird health food shit. Weird 70s hippie shit. You create all this weird energy around food. And then every time the kid gets into someone else's cupboards, it's like, what are those? Space stick bars? Give me those. What is that? It's a Jellic. And you get this. And then before you know, you fucking blink your eyes. You're 47 and you're rich, but you still got the. You know, you're going out to dinner with your wife, and she's sending. You know, we're leaving. It's like, fuck you. Fucking throw away that. Those potatoes. Bullshit. Yeah, bullshit. I'll eat those.
- [62:54]
D
I had to order appetizers.
- [62:55]
A
Yeah. Always.
- [62:57]
D
I had to, because that was my thing. Like, when I was a kid, even if we went, I could never.
- [63:02]
A
An appetizer sounds like my dad knows it.
- [63:04]
D
My dad would have been like, appetite. What the f. I have an appetite. Eat, motherfucker. He would. Got an appetizer?
- [63:10]
A
Yeah.
- [63:10]
D
What are you talking about? So for me, it was like, let's get an appetizer every time, regardless of it looking good or not.
- [63:17]
A
Right.
- [63:17]
D
Whether it was spinach dip or the fucking buffalo wings, whatever. Get it.
- [63:21]
A
And I now.
- [63:22]
D
Now I don't do that shit anymore.
- [63:23]
A
I cannot leave a thing on the table. I have to pack it up. Like, I'll give it to a homeless guy out front. I'll eat it in the parking lot. I'll feed it to my Dog, I don't care. I can't. Can't leave food. Like it. It. So I've licked plates in restaurants.
- [63:40]
D
I'm not even kidding, bro. I've licked a plate.
- [63:42]
A
And when the person got back from the bathroom was like, what the Carlos men. See ya. This is a peculiar evening.
- [63:49]
D
Wait a minute.
- [63:50]
B
But.
- [63:51]
A
So the moral of the story with the food and the kids is try not to build a lot of weird energy around the food. And again, you'd have to had 17 brothers and sisters.
- [64:02]
D
There's 18 of us. So I have 11 sisters and six brothers.
- [64:06]
A
Wow. So there's gonna be.
- [64:08]
B
Which where are you?
- [64:09]
A
It's gonna be energy lineage. Second to last.
- [64:11]
D
Yeah, second to last. And I have like 70. I think I'm up to 75. Nephews and nieces.
- [64:16]
A
Do they now? I spoke to you once and you were telling me how they hit you up for Brad a lot.
- [64:21]
D
Oh, God, all the time.
- [64:23]
A
And like, I would love I. If.
- [64:25]
D
If there was a fucking lot of divorce. Your family.
- [64:27]
A
Family, yeah. You do it. Oh, God. You save money.
- [64:29]
D
Oh, man. I would be a millionaire if it wasn't for my family. Now how are they thousandaire but not a millionaire?
- [64:35]
A
How's their attitude in terms of, like, when they borrow the money? I should do air quotes to borrowing the money because, well, they're all different.
- [64:42]
D
Like, everyone has their ways. You know what I mean? Like, one of my sisters, Olga, she's really sweet. She never asks for a lot of money and she gets embarrassed, right? So she'll have her son call me up. Like, I remember he was 4 years old and he was like, uncle Carlos, can I borrow 240? $42? And how much, Mom?
- [65:05]
A
Right?
- [65:06]
D
32 cents. And I was like, oh, that's a bill. That's fucked up. Like, oh, come poor Nats. Come on, get on the phone. Come over. I'll give you 500 bucks. That sucks. I know what you're going through. Then I'll have my brother, who used to be an alcohol. So I know about enabling now. So he'll call me up and say, hey, I need you to lend me a thousand dollars.
- [65:25]
A
Right?
- [65:26]
D
I'm like, that's enabling, bro. I'm not gonna do it. You got yourself into some. You got to get it. I'll give you 200 bucks, though. I'll give you 200 bucks. I'll feel like I help, but I didn't enable.
- [65:33]
A
Do you call him by his name or by his number? Like number 11? I'm not gonna be an enabler.
- [65:39]
D
Yeah. But here's the shitty part. A week later, I'll have you know, I'll be eating dinner with my mom, and she'll be like, oh, by the way, did you give your brother that hundred dollars? He needs. Needed that. He got an extra hundred out of me. Like, he knows how to play that, right? So he gets me. And then there's like, Joseph, he's just straight the up, hey, I need you to. I need you to give me $5,000.
- [65:58]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [65:59]
D
I'm like, give you?
- [66:00]
A
Oh, yeah. Well, at least he calls it what it is. Oh, no.
- [66:03]
D
I'll tell him you mean lend you. And he'll look at me and go, you can call it whatever the you want. I'm not going to pay you back. And you know it.
- [66:08]
A
Are any of them doing well financially?
- [66:12]
D
They're all doing like. They're all doing okay. None of them have extra money. They're all the paycheck, you know, the two paychecks away from being broke.
- [66:20]
A
Right.
- [66:20]
D
They're all like that. But they, you know, most of them own homes and, you know, it's just that they do stupid shit.
- [66:26]
A
Right?
- [66:27]
D
You know what I mean?
- [66:27]
A
And then are they all out here? Are they all in Southern California? All in the United States?
- [66:32]
D
And not even United States. I think there's one in Mexico, two or three in Texas, one in New York, three in Chicago, one in Miami, and I think two or three in Honduras.
- [66:49]
A
I've said over a certain amount of kids I look at as child abuse.
- [66:55]
D
We were. We were fucking workers.
- [66:57]
A
Yeah. I mean, at a certain point. And to me, I had about six and a half as my over under.
- [67:04]
D
That was yours?
- [67:05]
A
No, I didn't have my parents. Just. I didn't have parents. But they only had two kids, thank God. Although they could have had 18. It wouldn't have made a difference to them. Either way. They ain't around. But having 18 children, it's like I have twins and I get into this thing constantly with my wife where it's like, you're spending a little too much time with the boy. You and Natalia need a day out where you just go out together one on one time because it's important that you bond one on one. Now you times that. 18. And I know they didn't all just drop out at once. No, it was spread out.
- [67:41]
D
None. None. There were no multiple births.
- [67:43]
A
Really? 18.
- [67:44]
D
No multiple births. Only one of us was born at a hospital.
- [67:51]
A
Right.
- [67:52]
D
No drugs, no doctors.
- [67:54]
A
Wow.
- [67:54]
D
Yeah. When I was born, literally this lady said, I'm gonna go get Milk came back and I was on my mom's stomach. Like, literally. My mom didn't even fucking know. It was one of those. I pregnant. She didn't even know she was pregnant.
- [68:08]
A
You were number 17, right.
- [68:10]
D
So by the time I got there, you know what I mean, it was a slip and slide. Let's be real, dude.
- [68:15]
A
And. And what it was.
- [68:17]
D
I mean, come on, after 16 kids go through that, you know what I mean?
- [68:20]
A
What are you supposed to say, holding on for the. To your mom's. What do your mom's friends say when you go, like, I'm pregnant again? Oh, good for you.
- [68:31]
D
Congratulations.
- [68:33]
A
Yeah, I've already bought you a kitchen worth of appliances for gifts. Like, seriously, I don't know what else to get you anymore, sweetheart.
- [68:41]
D
But most of them were born in Honduras. And what happens is the first three, you know, they became mom and dad and so on and so forth. So there were literally only about six or six or eight of us in the house at any given time.
- [68:55]
A
Right.
- [68:55]
D
You know, there were some not born and others that are already moved on. So that's kind of. But it was. We were lottery tickets as well.
- [69:02]
A
Because first. The first. Because you worked, right?
- [69:05]
D
Well, not only did we work, but my mom also and dad also raised us, like, with this guilt of having to share our wealth and everything that we have.
- [69:14]
A
Yeah.
- [69:14]
D
So here's an example. Like, I remember this happened twice in my life where my mom made some shit that just really delicious. And I said, mom, like, if there's any extra, I don't want anybody else's, but if there's any extra food, that would be awesome. This is so good. And my mom would made me a plate and she put it there and she just stood next to me and she didn't move. And it creeped me out. So I just kind of looked up and I went, what? And she looked at me and I swear to God, she goes, just remember today I didn't eat for you. And I'm like, what the fuck?
- [69:44]
A
Really? Yeah.
- [69:47]
D
So now, like, it literally, if some. If a family member will call me, me up and ask for money or ask me for something, and I say, I can't do it. My mom will call me up within a minute and 22 seconds. That's the longest time it's ever taken. I've checked.
- [69:59]
A
They go right to Mama, 22 seconds.
- [70:01]
D
And she'll call me right away. I got gives to you so you can give to your family. That's why you have the talent. It's not yours. It's Jesus.
- [70:09]
A
Interesting.
- [70:10]
D
And fucking Jesus is not. I'm like, really? Jesus wants me to write a fucking check? Seriously.
- [70:15]
A
Carlos's first three siblings are actually older than her mom.
- [70:20]
D
Really comes down, Wait a minute.
- [70:23]
A
Powerful. How old is the oldest then? The one that was, I'm not even.
- [70:26]
D
Sure I know she started when she was 15 and it last one was 40, 44, 46.
- [70:33]
B
Wow.
- [70:34]
D
15. And if you add them up, she was literally pregnant for like 13 to 15 years. Like literally in a state of pregnancy for, you know, for 13 or 15 years. If it's nine months, if it's, if it's more than that, then, you know, the equation gets a little harder.
- [70:50]
A
And everyone's still around his dad, still.
- [70:52]
D
Around, everyone's still around. But, but me, it's different. Like, I see when I was born, my mom was really pissed off at my dad and they were coming to America. My uncle and aunt were the ones that came to this country. They immigrated, brought them here. So when I was born, just because she was in a shitty mood and she had enough, she actually gave me to my uncle and aunt to raise as their own. She's like, you guys can't have kids. You can have this one, this one's your kid. So we lived in the same house because, you know, sure. So I, I, I mean, if I say mom, two people answer. If I say dad, two people answer, right?
- [71:26]
A
Because aunt, everything was totally cool. Her sister couldn't have kids.
- [71:30]
D
No.
- [71:31]
A
Her brother, our brother couldn't have.
- [71:33]
D
But they don't know. I, I, I don't know which one can't have kids, right? If it's my, you know, my aunt or my uncle, who am I, who I call my mom and dad, right? Here's the shitties part. She gave away the lottery ticket, right?
- [71:45]
A
She had, now she's crawling back.
- [71:47]
D
So now, you know what I mean? Like, I have issues with my brothers and sisters about this stuff because they get pissed off. I treat my mom like my aunt and my aunt like my mom, right? And they're just like, you know, why are you holding it against her? And I'm, I'm not, I'm.
- [72:02]
B
But the minute 22. That's your birth mom?
- [72:04]
D
Yeah, that's my birth mom.
- [72:06]
A
You feel like then you're being treated differently by your mom and your siblings because you're on television and people know who you are?
- [72:14]
D
Well, I mean, they're really cool. They're not, they're not fucked up like that. The only thing is, is like, you know, my birth mom has a House in Honduras. It costs like, I don't know, 90,000 bucks. My mom and dad live in a two point something million dollar house up here in Encino next to me.
- [72:31]
A
Those are your aunt and uncle, correct? Right.
- [72:34]
D
So that disparage, you know, the disparity in that right there, that's what pisses my siblings off. They're like, right. How could you do that to your mom?
- [72:42]
B
And I'm like, you're like, but I'm an only kid. Yeah, I'm 17 siblings.
- [72:45]
D
Exactly. And they're like, but that's your mom. I'm like, and why are you mad at her? I'm not, I'm happy. I, I, I'm glad. I'm, I'm different than the majority of my brothers and sisters because I was raised with different values than that.
- [72:59]
A
Right.
- [72:59]
D
You know what I mean? My mom and dad were your special. You're great. You're you, you can do anything, accomplish anything. When I first started doing steps, my, my birth mom had an intervention for me. Like, literally.
- [73:12]
A
Really?
- [73:12]
D
A fucking intervention.
- [73:13]
A
She's like number one, number seven and number 12 are very upset.
- [73:18]
D
All of them. Fuck them one through one through 16. And they're all like, you're ruining your life. You're a straight A student, you're gonna degree in electrical engineering. What the fuck is your problem? Why are you doing this?
- [73:29]
A
How many interventions?
- [73:31]
D
It took so long. And then by the time it got to my uncle, he was drunk and he was like, I'm your father. If you want to be a clown, fuck it. Juggle. And I ran. Fucking ran. I just left the room. I said, thank you, I'm done. I don't give a shit. And of course, you know, once I started getting successful, then all my family was like, we knew you were special. We, you know, remember I drove you to that one gig that you did in Pasadena that one time? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you drove me to the Ice House. Here's a thousand bucks.
- [74:03]
A
What the, you know, comedy intervention with Carlos Mencia. I like that. Yeah. You know, I, I think that way a little bit too sometimes, because I've, like, for instance, I called my dad a pussy a thousand times on the air, you know, and I thought, well, old man, you rolled the dice right early and often. And you were smart. Like, what are the chances? I should have been a fucking, I should have been digging ditches for a living. I shouldn't have been on a, you know, syndicated radio show. But, but turned out I was on a radio show. And when people would ask me, I'D call my dad a pussy. And there was an element of payback, but there's also an element of truth. And I don't think he made the wrong decision. He saved on college and food and clothing and things like that, but there's a little element of payback's a bitch. And I don't know if you have this sense of, I don't know, justice, but it's not. Not I'm going to punish somebody because I'm a dick. It's like, bitch, you should have thought about this 20 years ago and you didn't. And now I'm not setting out to hurt you, but guess what? You will be treated accordingly. I'm not going to rewrite history and pretend that you are always around and always supportive and it wouldn't be the right thing to do. It's the wrong message to send to anybody, which is, you have a kid, pawn him off on aunt, uncle, don't spend a whole lot of time with him. Don't spend a lot of time, money and nurturing, whatever, have a comedy intervention. And now the kid becomes a star and you're supposed to, what, get a mansion? What kind of story is that to be told?
- [75:41]
B
Well, is that part of why they were having the comedy intervention? Is that they didn't want.
- [75:45]
D
No, they were having a comedy intervention because I was gonna be at that time, I was the first one that was gonna graduate with an actual degree.
- [75:54]
B
Oh.
- [75:54]
D
You know what I mean? So they knew I was gonna make money. They didn't think, you know, you were throwing it away.
- [75:59]
A
They.
- [76:00]
D
Yeah, they thought like, you're up. I mean, you're gonna have a house, we're gonna visit you. It's gonna be fun. That's the way they looked at it. I'm not mad at that. I'm actually glad because I look at my brothers and sisters and how they, how their brain works, how it doesn't work like mine.
- [76:16]
A
Right.
- [76:16]
D
I'm, I'm, I'm actually grateful, right, that my mom gave me to my aunt and uncle because I wouldn't be this guy without them. They're the ones that, that instilled the work ethic, the values, the non. Victim. I was never a victim. My dad that got his thumb cut off in an industrial accident, my uncle.
- [76:35]
A
Went to work the next day.
- [76:37]
D
Yeah, like, seriously, this guy, bust your ass, work. If you work hard, no matter what happens, everything's going to be fine. Just do your shit. And he came from that. If, if I was, I think if I would have been Raised like my brothers and sisters. I would have been that victim.
- [76:52]
A
And I also like this thing. And I, I hate this part of society where we get all caught up in the blood. You know, somebody raises you, they raised you right. And I can't stand this thing where the biological parent who gave the kid up for adoption when the kid was 5 months old comes back 31 years later like, hey, here I am. Like, who the fuck are you?
- [77:15]
D
I don'. Understand the kids that wanted. Like, why would you want to meet that person?
- [77:19]
A
I want to meet the guy I forgot to pull out when he was my mom in the bathroom.
- [77:22]
D
That's why I'm not a Raider fan or a Ram fan.
- [77:24]
A
Right.
- [77:25]
D
You left.
- [77:26]
A
Yeah.
- [77:26]
D
Go, you. I'm not gonna cheer for you now.
- [77:29]
A
I, I just. I'm in. I'm enthralled with this comedy intervention thing. I'm picturing a dude with a ponytail and huge calves. Talking about, like, I remember when I, I, I couldn't get.
- [77:38]
D
They love you.
- [77:39]
A
I couldn't get through the day without telling the knife joke. You'd look at my house, man. You'd find a whoop of cushion in every drawer, man.
- [77:48]
B
Rock bottom. When I sold my diamonds for rubber chickens.
- [77:51]
D
Yeah. My mom did not understand why I, she, she literally did not understand why I couldn't tell jokes at a work at. At my workplace.
- [78:01]
A
Right.
- [78:02]
D
Because at the time, I was going to college.
- [78:03]
A
Just work and tell jokes. Yes. That's what she said.
- [78:06]
D
You. You work at Farmer's Insurance. Why don't you just tell jokes to your friends at Farmer's Insurance? And I'm like, I do. They're the. That told me I should do stand up. They're the ones that started this. So, like, I don't.
- [78:17]
A
And it's tough because you don't have a whole lot. Like, you got to go. Look, there's Freddie Prince and Freddie Prince. I'm out.
- [78:27]
D
And this was, like, way back in the day. So it was Freddie Prince and Paul Rodriguez.
- [78:30]
A
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [78:31]
D
That was it. I mean, that was it. Those were the only.
- [78:33]
A
You know. And one guy killed himself when he was, like, 21.
- [78:36]
D
Yeah. And one of them wasn't even around.
- [78:37]
A
Right?
- [78:38]
D
Yeah. So that was it. So they. They didn't understand any of it. They got nothing of it. Luckily, I won Star Search. International Star Search in Spanish, like, pretty early in my career.
- [78:48]
A
I mean, Japanese, but same. Exactly, bro. Really? One International Star Search in Spanish.
- [78:54]
D
So when I did that, that's when they got it right, because they went to go see the Performance at the theater. They saw everybody there. They saw the laughs. They kind of got it. And then when it aired, my mom turned on Univision, which is the station she's always watched. Sure, she sees me on it. That's when she was like, oh, that's what this guy's been doing.
- [79:18]
A
Who hosted Erica Strata? I don't remember somebody.
- [79:22]
D
Yeah, somebody like that.
- [79:23]
A
Yeah, somebody like that. I love. Is there. Is there, like, a Mexican or Latin Ed McMahon?
- [79:27]
D
Would there be.
- [79:28]
A
I'm looking for a sidekick.
- [79:30]
D
No, but there is a. There is that guy from Salado Gigante, but he's more like the Johnny Carson. That dude's been on television for, like, 40 years straight.
- [79:38]
A
I'd like to have a conversation with Univision that basically went like this. Listen, you guys need to fix your network. Because when I'm traveling and I'm skimming through the stations and I get to your station, I can tell it's Spanish language before word is spoken. I can tell by the crazy makeup, the crazy hair, the crazy sets and.
- [79:59]
D
The music in the commercials.
- [80:00]
A
Crazy. I don't have to hear one fucking word of Spanish being spoken. I see it and go, what year is it? And then all of a sudden, the Spanish.
- [80:08]
D
But it's the same with the DJs, right? You know, like, I go every once in a while, and I don't like doing it, only because if people actually think I'm funny and they come to see the show, they get boned because it's in English, right? So, you know, there are places I go to where they're like, we got you on this Hispanic station. We're going to sell out. And I'm like, you don't understand. I don't do my. In Spanish. But that's fine. I'm not going to say no. You booked it all already, right? But as soon as I get on the radio, like, I. It's a whole different thing because you walk in and these guys are like, hola, Carlos. Mucho gusto, okay? Interestos. And you're like, what the Just happened to this guy? And it's the old school dj. Hey, everybody, what's going on? It's that voice. And they still do that as we speak right now.
- [80:55]
A
Do it again. And work. Work in Budweiser. Because the Budweiser, every once in a while, you just listen.
- [81:02]
D
Budweiser? Isn't that the way they say it?
- [81:07]
A
I know that's what I do whenever I come across the station. Like, I'm not going anywhere until I hear Budweiser. I have no fucking idea what they're talking about. I'm guessing it's not politics, but I'm going to listen until I hear Budweiser and then I can move on.
- [81:20]
D
Listen. Rednecks and illegal aliens.
- [81:23]
A
Right?
- [81:24]
D
Well, I can't. I shouldn't say rednecks. I should say rednecks and wetbacks are exactly the same. They just speak a different language.
- [81:30]
A
Yeah.
- [81:30]
D
They drink the same shit, they look at the same shit, they dress the same way. You know what I mean?
- [81:37]
B
Yeah.
- [81:37]
D
I imagine a conversation where some illegal aliens, like, you know, some. Some illegal aliens getting spoken to by some redneck or a redneck's like, I ain't nothing like you, man. I like wearing hats. Fuck, me too. And belts with big buckles. Holy fuck, me too. And pointy boots. This guy, he's just like me, you know?
- [81:55]
A
Yeah, they're the. I worked with these guys, you know. Exactly the thing that always. I always. There's a couple things I couldn't figure out about the culture. Like, I'd see the Brahma.
- [82:04]
D
Ask me any question.
- [82:05]
A
I had the huge Brahma bull decal.
- [82:08]
D
I'll tell you where it comes from. First of all, the Brahmin bull in. In South America and Central America is the epitome of bull. So if you have a Brahmin, that's the shit. Because they're white. They got the big hump.
- [82:19]
A
They're the biggest.
- [82:20]
D
They're the fucking most amazing. Most of these guys were hands working hands on a ranch. And their status symbol of making it was if you can have a Brahmin bull, that's when you know. So they get here and they put that as a symbol of to be successful and on top of it to remember. That's where I come from.
- [82:40]
A
I can dig it.
- [82:41]
D
But I don't understand it, by the way. I'm not fucking telling you that I'm with the program. I'm just telling you where it comes from.
- [82:46]
A
I always used to say, you got the decal of the bull, which is, you know, says you've arrived, except for it's on the side of A primered Ford F150 from the army early 70s with a space saver spare and the Denver boot on it. Yeah. Why don't you just go ahead and get yourself Cadillac and that'll let people know you've arrived. You don't need the sticker. The bull on the side.
- [83:08]
D
Well, the worst is the shitty car with the last name.
- [83:11]
A
Right?
- [83:12]
D
Ironically, in old English.
- [83:14]
A
Yes.
- [83:15]
D
Like, it's always in old English.
- [83:17]
A
What is that?
- [83:17]
D
I have. I have no idea, bro.
- [83:20]
A
What is.
- [83:20]
D
None whatsoever.
- [83:21]
A
What. What is going on with the. What's. What's going on with the one where, like, chewy 1981 to 2007, like, the rolling Memorial, like, on the back of the thing, like, like, the. The Latin dude died and then I have to fucking ride. I'm always doing math. And by the way, it's never happy math. It's never like, I bet there was a fire and there were some cats and he ran back in. It was like, drive by.
- [83:46]
D
Yeah.
- [83:47]
A
Gang banging, drugs, you know, and especially when you do the weird math. And a guy with. Was like, born in 89. And you're like, what year is it? Yeah, died in 2010. Holy. And it gets really depressing and weird is they have that in Honduras. They do that. Good. No, that's a Mexican thing.
- [84:04]
D
That's very Mexican. My mom's. My mom who raised me is Mexican, so I got a lot of that Mexican culture. You know, we used to go and live in Mexico and stuff like that. So weird.
- [84:12]
A
A lot of death, like, a lot of skeletons. They embrace death, though.
- [84:16]
D
Like, it's not scary. Like, that's. That's one of the things that's so hard for me in my stance. Stand up is like the. That I saw growing up was so up that I had to make it funny. But in, you know, in America, people don't live like that. So I. I have to, like, censor myself all the time and go, don't tell that joke. Just lead up to, like, this part. But don't tell those other two punch lines. Those are for you. Because people will freak the out. Because I grew up, like, in Honduras and Mexico, where, you know, when you're walking down the street as a kid, the headlines are chopped off off heads, and they don't hide it. That's the newspaper. The shit is in color. And there's a head chopped off. And you're staring at it and you're, you know, six, seven years old. And this is the shit you see every day. Yeah, every day. No, not just pictures. Like, literally with their heads decapitated on the street.
- [85:04]
A
Why? What. What is the. Where does the. And I know people go, oh, it's the drugs and all that kind of stuff. But it's sort of like, you know, the. There's. There's colonized honeybees, and then there's African killer bees, right? And they look the same, except for one of them, will you up and kill you? The other one's Going to sweeten your tea.
- [85:25]
C
Yeah.
- [85:25]
A
And that part of the world has some Africanized killer people.
- [85:31]
D
Yes.
- [85:31]
A
In it. Like they're just take a machete to you people. Where does that come from? And I know people go, is it alcohol?
- [85:38]
D
Listen, my dad owned a bar. It's alcohol, bro. It's not drugs, it's not coke, it's not any of that shit. It's alcohol. I don't know what the fuck it is, bro, but I remember being in Honduras when I was a kid, you know, I lived there from the age of 12 to 15. And I kid you not, bro, as soon as they would have three beers, every man would start saying, I'm a grown ass man. I'm a fucking man. And as soon as that shit starts, started, somebody was gonna get hit with a machete.
- [86:08]
A
It's crazy. It's crazy machismo over there, right? Like a lot of.
- [86:12]
D
Just because they don't. They're poor as they don't have anything to defend. They don't have anything to live for. Their wives are ugly as you know what's weird? And they get drunk and they want to kill each other.
- [86:22]
A
The thing that's weird is like, again, my only knowledge is construction. But I work with Latin. When you put a lot of those guys are the same Latin. And would find out, like, this group of dudes were pissed off at that group of dudes. And I'd say, say, like, what's up? Because I jokingly came in like that morning and said, like, hey, Hector's number one man. Number one, Hector. I'm buying you a beer after. Good job on the stucco, Hector. And then I left. Oh, fucking feud broke out. You anointed Hector. I was kidding.
- [86:52]
D
I know.
- [86:52]
A
But now they're all pissed at Hector and they want to kick his ass because he did a good job on the stucco.
- [86:57]
D
You think you are Hector?
- [86:58]
A
And I just thought, what's with all the machismo shit? And then someone would get pissed and walk out, out like that, you and Hector. And it's like, what? I'm just kidding around.
- [87:07]
D
It's poor people, though. It really is. That's what's going on. Poor people, machismo, you know, you call it machismo in. In South America and Central America and Mexico, you call it terrorists in the Middle East. You know what I mean?
- [87:19]
A
Right?
- [87:19]
D
And that's why warlords in Africa, it's all the same. It's poor people that are pissed off that have nothing to lose in life.
- [87:28]
A
Right?
- [87:28]
D
You know, that's why if I could live anywhere. I would love to live in, in an middle class, upper middle class neighborhood of people that are just barely, barely keeping what they have because those people are happy as shit. They don't fuck with you, they don't care about your life. They're just worried about their shit. The ghetto is the fucking worst. And even rich rich people, because rich rich people will just replace whatever they did insured, you know what I mean? They'll fucking run over your shit.
- [87:56]
A
And to have something to lose.
- [87:59]
D
Exactly.
- [87:59]
A
I mean, it's that feeling of when the cops.
- [88:02]
D
You're gonna take away my shit.
- [88:03]
A
When the cops pull you over and tell you to get out of the car and you go flying out with your arms flying around and they pull their guns out and they start yelling drop. And you yell, what the fuck? Right? You, you have to. If people have something to lose, it prevents them from doing shit that brings society down. Yep. And. And it's what I see it myself. It's sort of the. It's this. Basically, it's like I used to ride a motorcycle and I rode it everywhere and I rode it in the rain and I didn't give a shit. And now I have kids and I have a house and I have some things and I have some shit to lose now. And thus I don't ride a motorcycle anymore because there's shit to lose versus a couple of futons and a roommate.
- [88:45]
D
Exactly.
- [88:45]
A
And it keeps you as a society, it keeps you in line. Yes. The ground, the threat of hitting the ground actually keeps you grounded. All right, we've gone too long. I should tell you about stamps.com. ah, the holidays upon us, baby. Stamps.com. you should use this, Carlos. You could send your 17 brothers and sisters a nice Christmas card this year with five bucks duct taped to the back of it. Stamps.com. you can print official US postage using your own computer and I'm guessing printer as well. Otherwise that would be a bitch. And they'll give you. It's really a great deal. There is the scale. You weigh it, you print it. You can do it with parcels, you can do it with letters. Weigh yourself never. And send yourself to Honduras. Never spend more than you need to spend because it'll tell you it's calibrated. It's $110 offer, by the way.
- [89:39]
C
Well, Carlos goes to send those checks. His relatives.
- [89:42]
A
That's right.
- [89:42]
D
Actually, I have that for the business.
- [89:44]
C
Exactly.
- [89:45]
D
When we send out, when people buy stuff over the Internet. Internet, that's what we use to the parcel.
- [89:50]
C
Stamps I thought the business is what you called sending checks.
- [89:54]
A
So you got the digital scale. Oh, all right. Well, you sign up. Well, Carlos smart enough to do stamps. Smartest one in his family, stamps.com and they'll also toss in 55 bucks free postage, but only if you enter Adam. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone, the top right hand corner there or just the homepage. Type in a Adam stamps dot com. Good enough for Carlos Mencia, good enough for you. And of course, Amazon. Love you guys. Love that you're keeping the pirate ship afloat. You're going to buy something on Amazon. Click over to AdamCroll.com hit the Amazon banner and pow. Beak moistened Carlos again. Stand up special. Coming up this Sunday, December 4th, Carlos Mencia New Territory premieres 10pm on Comedy Central. See just how fit this man can be. Carlos always fun. Thanks, man. Love it, baby. Thanks, brother. Come back anytime you like. So until next time. And by the way, I'm in Philly at the Keswick theater this Thursday, December 1st. Detroit Royal Oak, Chicago Park west, two shows over there and Denver Paramount. So I'll see you guys there. Until next time. This is Adam Kroll, football. Brian, Carlos Messiah and Allison Rosen say mahalo. Look, I like, I like your. I like everyone else's. All right, that's Adam K Show 709. Carlos actually goes all the way back to Loveline. He appeared all the way back in 1998, made a couple appearances on the morning show and also appeared on the podcast. Coming up next, we have Adam Car Show 7 11. We have winter EVs Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011. Mike lynch just had a baby and I wish he'd come back to work because I'm tired of trying to be funny. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandy, get it on. Yeah. Lynch had himself a baby earlier today. There he is. Is. He's wearing an ace and a whole.
- [92:00]
B
Hat and a fish shirt.
- [92:02]
A
Always, always good to wear the hat of a pilot that never saw the light of day. It brings good luck. The Hebrew ites would. The Israelites would tell you that. It's a mitzvah. It's called what you call a mitzvah. Yeah, that's his young daughter. I wonder if they're wearing a hat that's pink and blue. I was immediately pissed off. I'm. My kids came out pink and blue beanies.
- [92:26]
B
What are they just hedging their bats or something?
- [92:28]
A
I don't Know what the is going on? I got a son and a daughter and I can't tell which one's which when they're in that hatchery place, you know?
- [92:35]
B
Yes.
- [92:36]
A
Because they have pink. They have pink and blue striped beanies instead of pink or blue beanies. Yeah, they decided to get one that helps nobody.
- [92:48]
B
What the f. I blame look alike anyway? So why are you gonna dress?
- [92:52]
A
Especially when they're swaddled?
- [92:54]
B
Yeah.
- [92:54]
A
So you have a son and a daughter and they're twins and you don't know which ones you know to love more. You know, obviously I want to love it. Oh, looks like it is a pink and a blue. How cheap do you have to be as a. I mean, you guys. By the way, you sell band aids for 1500 bucks. An Ace bandage is five grand. You gotta blow someone for sling. You can't. What the. Does a beat beanie size zero set you back 29 cents a pop? And how much is it to have a kid? And as I say to the airlines all the time when they're serving you the fucking fiesta mix or whatever dried bullshit they're trying to pass off as a snack, go ahead and charge another 21 cents and give me some Cheetos.
- [93:34]
B
Right.
- [93:35]
A
Pass it on to me. Yeah, pass on the 49 cents it would cost to get a solid colored beanie.
- [93:41]
B
Yeah. Basically charge 200 for the beanie and then the insurance company will knock it down to like 20 bucks.
- [93:47]
A
Right.
- [93:47]
B
But I think you're right. I think you have two options. One, let the kids wear blue and pink beanies, but then their genitals are exposed so you can tell who's who.
- [93:56]
A
Yeah.
- [93:56]
B
Or cover the genitals and wear gender appropriate hats.
- [94:00]
A
Yeah, I. I do blue. I do think I do. And I know I'm not. I'm not just one of these conspiracy theorists. I do think this has to do with the general sort of gender bending, trying to turn everyone into Chaz Bono society where corruption. There was a time when it's a boy, it's a girl. Now it's like we can't judge and we don't do yellow.
- [94:26]
B
That's the universal either.
- [94:27]
A
We don't want to start pushing a boy toward a. In a certain direction or a girl in a certain direction by putting a certain color beanie on her head.
- [94:35]
B
Right.
- [94:35]
A
Because then she's going to get the pink beanie and the next thing you know, she's going to hit the glass ceiling and start making 70 cents on our dollar.
- [94:41]
B
Why not make it fun then and do like berets and some rare.
- [94:45]
A
Something. Yeah, like. Like bad themed restaurants.
- [94:48]
B
Yes. Like a pirate's hat and a fedora.
- [94:51]
A
Mm. There should be a rule, and I've had that. I've had that happen a bunch of times when I've gone to the badly themed restaurant and they have the. They won't go.
- [95:00]
C
As opposed to the good themed restaurant.
- [95:02]
A
Well, I mean, I'm not talking about a classy joint like Medieval Times or something like that, but where they have the knights and the damsels, you know.
- [95:10]
D
That kind of thing.
- [95:10]
B
Yeah.
- [95:11]
A
In the bathroom.
- [95:12]
B
Right.
- [95:13]
A
I would like to say there's certain things in life you can take some poetic and creative license with and others that just have to be the same. And ladies and men. Men's room. Ladies room. You know, don't fuck around with that.
- [95:27]
B
If I'm drunk, I don't want to be standing there trying to see out of one eye, being like, is that a deer wearing lipstick or not?
- [95:32]
A
Right, right, right, right. And how many people have drunkenly stumbled into the wrong, wrong place?
- [95:38]
B
I don't know. But I must say, probably every single time I use a public restroom as I'm sitting there, I. I hope I'm not in the men's room. That's not normal, is it? They should just worry about that every time.
- [95:49]
A
They should just have a colored door. Blue and pink or something like that. Just. Just some sort of universal. I don't want to slow down. I'm drunk. I got a couple pitchers of beer in me. I gotta take a piss.
- [95:59]
B
Brian looks like he disagrees and he's disgusted.
- [96:01]
C
No, I just realized, like, if you were a peeping Tom or if you got off on, like, seeing girls going to the bathroom, whatever, this has gotta be the greatest thing in your life, is that there's 5 to 10% of all restaurants have the cleverly named. If you're drunk, you'll have trouble discerning names for the men's and women's restroom. The Caballeros.
- [96:17]
A
Yes. Right. And you don't. Yes. If you don't speak fluent Spanish, you could get confused. And yes, you could walk into whatever and see, whatever your fetish.
- [96:26]
C
That's total indemnity. How am I supposed to know?
- [96:28]
A
I don't know.
- [96:28]
C
I can't read Spanish.
- [96:30]
A
Here would be my policy when I'm in charge, as well as, you know, my attack crows for breaking up.
- [96:36]
B
Someone should be writing all of this down.
- [96:38]
A
My occupied Spanish LA and all that stuff. If you have to stay there for more than a 3 Mississippi and go Back and forth to each door. Like if you have to go one door back to the other door and then go back, you should be able to defecate in the hall.
- [96:52]
B
Yes.
- [96:52]
A
No questions asked.
- [96:54]
B
I agree.
- [96:54]
A
Not a one. Hand of God. Hand of God. Literally defecate.
- [96:58]
B
It can be called the Adam Carolla rule.
- [97:02]
A
Hand of God.
- [97:02]
B
What's that smell? The Adam Corolla rule.
- [97:05]
A
Hand to God. God. All right, where the hell was we? A couple things. Something I didn't. Well, one thing that's sort of tragic that I wasn't aware of. We were talking the other day about my old buddy who I played football with, Eric Kramer, NFL quarterback, 13 years. Played Pop Warner football with him for three, four years over at the East Valley Trojans. His dad was my assistant coach. Nice guy. Sort of talked me into coming back after I was seven and sort of sucking. It was a weird thing. Gave me a weird speech about being tickled pink. I'll never forget because when you're seven that sounds weird for an adult to be pink. But he was happy to see me back somehow. I don't know what happened, but someone twittered me or something. I did not know that Eric Kramer's 19 year old son was killed or OD'd or had something going on with friends and then some guys admitted to it and covering it up and blah blah, blah. And it is one of these. Wow, you first off, I've never felt older in my life because the last time I saw Eric Kramer in the flesh we were 10 and a half. And now he has a 19 year old son except for his 19 year old son's not with us anymore. And it felt really weird that I was talking about it and that evidently he'd passed away a few months earlier but an investigation had kicked in and they'd found out that there was was. It was an OD that involved the COVID up and some friends that were there and some foul play and I don't know if it's murder or manslaughter or whatever it was. Maybe we can go online and get some clarity on that. But very sad and it's the first I'd heard of it, but he's out here. He was local. I guess he was a ball player and I guess he was 19. So very sad to hear that. And is one of the same things where. Jesus Christ, you blink your eyes, right? And the guys you're playing popcorn or football with have sons that are playing out of high school for Christ's sake. So I'll try to keep you posted on that. Happier news, got the tallies back on my book. And we're over 150,000 units sold. So thank you guys very, very much.
- [99:21]
C
Is that total or audiobooks or combined?
- [99:23]
A
That's just, I just say units now because they do the ebooks and the audiobooks and the paperback and the hard copy and it's blah, blah, blah. But when you take the units and you put the units together and why not like we've sold like 77,000 hard, hard copy, hardbound, hard coffee, stiff coffee, hardback, stiff back, hardback, barebacks, something like that. Yeah, but you know, some people don't read books that way. They get the Kindle, they get the ebook, hardcover. Yeah, they get, they get the Kindle book or whatever, whatever they do. So I now. Or they get the audio or whatever it is. I just call them units and over 150,000. So God bless you. And that is all you guys, by the way, doing that. Do you get the story here? So. October 30th and. Jesus. Personal tragedy struck the life of the Kramer family. Los Angeles. 18 year old, Oaks High School senior quarterback Griffin Kramer, son of Eric Kramer, is found dead at the house of a close friend. School officials gave preliminary information that they believe passing was due to a drug overdose. So anyway, a sheriff's department got involved and. October 30th, jeez, that was just really recent. Jesus Christ. Christ. We're just talking about this. Anyway, very sad, very tragic and very weird. Especially because, see, I never left and I guess he never left. I mean he came back, went to Detroit, I guess he went to Chicago.
- [101:04]
B
When was the last time you talked to him?
- [101:06]
A
I spoke to him when I was 10.
- [101:10]
B
Wow.
- [101:11]
A
I just remember the guys I played with. And then later on I remember seeing him in the league and I remember seeing how he dropped and he wore his uniform the same way, sort of. He wore his belt sort of cinched up tight and his pants like he was sort of put together. It's a weird way. It's like seeing somebody walk when they're 10 and then seeing them again as a 28 year old walk and you recognize like their walk or just their posture or whatever it is. He was put together the same way. Like he sort of wore his uniform the same way.
- [101:42]
C
Obviously it worked for him. Thirteen years in the league.
- [101:44]
A
Yeah. Look at me. I don't had half a year of junior college. All right, Very, very sad.
- [101:52]
C
The story can be told now. Were you better than Eric Kramer?
- [101:54]
A
Well, yeah, I was better than Eric Kramer. I started Didn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember. But I remember the last thing he said to me. He said, carolla, don't worry. One day I'm gonna have my. I'm the last laugh. We're gonna be starting for the Bears and then the Lions and played for one. He played the Bears, played the Lions, and he ended up with San Diego. Thirteen years in the league is a hell of a. Hell of a run.
- [102:22]
B
Then did you say, yeah, but I'm gonna have a podcast.
- [102:24]
A
Atlanta Falcons. He said, what? And then he laughed and said, good luck. Yeah. Detroit. Yeah. Oh, it's the Falcons. Is the team. Team. I miss Naysay. I mean, I guess he only had one year with the Falcons. All right, you got some news?
- [102:37]
B
I do, but is it me, or is his penis really prominent in that photo?
- [102:40]
A
That's a tough towel. I'm hoping.
- [102:43]
B
Why would he have his stuff down there?
- [102:46]
A
I'm pretty sure that's a towel that he has tucked in. I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure.
- [102:52]
C
White on white there at the photograph.
- [102:53]
A
Something or something. Yeah. Maybe a white on white. It. It. It seems prominent. I don't remember it as being that prominent, but I knew him prepubescently.
- [103:01]
B
Right.
- [103:01]
A
You know what I mean?
- [103:02]
B
So you don't know?
- [103:03]
A
I don't know. No, I do not. The news with Allison Rosen.
- [103:08]
D
She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.
- [103:12]
A
It's Allison.
- [103:13]
D
Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.
- [103:19]
A
It's Allison.
- [103:20]
D
Allison.
- [103:23]
B
So sad news. Comedian Patrice o' Neill died of complications from a stroke. The stroke was related to diabetes. He was 41.
- [103:31]
A
Yeah, he was funny. What movie was that guy in? No, he came in, I'm sure on the radio show a time or two.
- [103:40]
C
He was for sure on your TV show, Comedy Central.
- [103:43]
A
Too late. Yeah. Nice guy. Trying to always get him mixed up with the comedian from the hot tub time machine. Who?
- [103:50]
C
Craig Robinson?
- [103:51]
A
Yeah.
- [103:52]
B
He's alive.
- [103:53]
A
Yeah.
- [103:54]
C
He was a guy that was the Playboy Mansion show was sweating profusely.
- [103:57]
A
Mmm. Mm.
- [103:59]
B
Patrice was recently on the roast of Charlie Sheen. He'd also been in the office.
- [104:04]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I'm sure people made 80 diabetic or diabetes jokes about him.
- [104:11]
B
They did. Amy Schumer made a pretty funny one.
- [104:14]
A
Good stuff. Made a whole nine weeks after the jokes. Yeah. Sad. 41, man.
- [104:21]
B
Yeah.
- [104:23]
A
What's with the brothers and the diabetes? And by the way, screw sickle cell. Focus on the diabetes. With the brothers and the sisters. Now, is there anything going on that's cultural or is it just diet and exercise and. That's the cultural part?
- [104:41]
B
Yeah. Well, I mean, that is a cultural part. I don't know. I don't know if it was adult onset diabetes or juvenile diabetes. I would suspect adult onset, and I'd suspect it did have to do with weight, but I don't really know.
- [104:54]
A
I gotta say, when me and Jimmy went to go visit the bishop, Don magicworld Juan in his apartment with. With his Rolls Royce that's parked in front of his apartment. He's the only guy that lives in an apartment that has a custom Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of his apartment. And we walked into this room, there was Snoop Dogg and about eight of his cousins sitting there. And it's all just church's fried catfish and, you know, fries and grape soda. And it was like, I was thinking, this can't be good for you.
- [105:26]
B
Right?
- [105:27]
A
And they always do that thing where they go, you know, black guys die, you know, 15 years younger than white dudes do, and everyone goes, man, that's tragic, and we should do something about that. But if white folks ate like that, we'd die 40 years before black people did.
- [105:42]
B
They don't eat to introduce celery sticks.
- [105:44]
A
They need to get some celery stocks or something going in there.
- [105:47]
B
Stock and celery sticks?
- [105:48]
A
Yeah. I mean, the only time it shows up is when they're eating the buffalo wings. What are you saying?
- [105:54]
B
Yeah, just as a. Like in case we gave you extra ranch here. Something to soften.
- [105:57]
A
Yeah. Something to mop up the ranch. Yeah. Someone's got to talk to those folks about the diet. I don't know what his situation was, but the brothers, they got to give it the diet there.
- [106:10]
B
This is not your point at all. But what is with the celery sticks and the buffalo wings?
- [106:14]
A
I really think it's like the firing squad where they give the one guy the rubber bullet. It just so you.
- [106:20]
B
Just to keep you on your toes.
- [106:21]
A
Just so you can sleep at night. You know what I mean?
- [106:23]
B
So you can surprise your mouth.
- [106:25]
A
You had three pictures of Sam Adams and you ate 40 chickens that were deep fried and lard. But you go, I did have that celery stick. And you go, yeah, all right. Feeling pretty good about myself. Yeah.
- [106:35]
B
Dr. Conrad Murray was sentenced to four years in the Los Angeles County Jail, the maximum sentence allowed under the law in the death of Michael Jackson. In a lengthy statement delivered before sentencing, Murray for involuntary manslaughter Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor said he felt a significant responsibility to determine the appropriate sentence. Sentence, quote. There are Those who feel Dr. Murray is a saint. There are those who feel Dr. Murray is. Yeah, I don't know anyone is a saint. They didn't speak up.
- [107:01]
A
Yeah, I didn't hear from them.
- [107:03]
B
I feel like it's a rhetorical flourish. There are Those who feel Dr. Murray is the devil. Right. Because he probably couldn't have said. There are Those who feel Dr. Murray is not that bad. There are Those who feel Dr. Murray is the devil. He's neither. He's a human being. He stands convicted of the death of another human being. Poetic.
- [107:18]
A
He's a human being. Right. I'm with you.
- [107:20]
B
He stands convicted of the death of another human being.
- [107:23]
A
Ah, that's. That's mj.
- [107:26]
B
Yeah. Automatic credit for good behavior lowers the actual time served to two years. So he could be out in 2013. He's not eligible for early release, electronic monitoring, or house arrest. Members of Jackson's family who sat in court for Tuesday's sentencing appeared pleased with the judge's decision to ignore defense pleas for leniency.
- [107:44]
A
A part of the deal was he didn't seem sorry for what he did.
- [107:48]
B
Right.
- [107:48]
A
Which is a weird double edged sword, because if you're saying I had nothing to do with something.
- [107:52]
B
Yeah, his hand was forced by his own hands. Defense.
- [107:54]
A
Right. So if you're apologizing, then there's a certain admittance of guilt. I've gotten in these arguments with my mom before where she's like, I'm mad. And I'm like, well, you don't have any right to be mad. She's like, well, just apologize. And I'm like, well, if I apologize, then it's as if I did something wrong. And I didn't do anything wrong, so I'm not gonna apologize. Why can't you just apologize? And by the way, somewhere around the eighth time someone yells apologize at you, isn't it sort of like them saying, tell me my ass looks good in these jeans. And you go, but it doesn't tell me it does. But it doesn't tell me it does. But your ass looks fat. Just say, my ass looks good in these jeans. All right, your ass looks good in those jeans. How good does that make you?
- [108:35]
B
But do you mean it?
- [108:35]
A
Yeah. Does that make you feel good about yourself?
- [108:38]
B
No. I'm actually surprised now. See, if you had apol. If you ever apologized after she's asking you to, though, would that be it? Cause I find that I'M usually on the other end of it where I'm like, I don't think that was a very sincere apology.
- [108:49]
A
I've never.
- [108:49]
B
Did you mean it?
- [108:50]
A
I don't think I've ever asked anyone to apologize. And I've never done that thing they used to do in all good 80s movies where they go, take that back. They always do that in all those good movies.
- [108:59]
B
Or how about this one? You don't get to be mad. You don't get to apologize.
- [109:05]
A
Really.
- [109:05]
B
I feel like anyone can apologize, just some of us won't.
- [109:10]
A
Never asked anyone for apology. Because I figure whatever it is they say they mean, or at least they meant at the time, what percentage of apologies are actually meant? Or.
- [109:23]
B
Well, I find.
- [109:24]
A
Yes.
- [109:25]
B
And I think, I think I'm onto something. If someone says I apologize, if they use the word I apologize, they're full of shit. If they say I'm sorry, they might be sincere. I just have never heard the word apologize. Be sincere.
- [109:40]
A
I prefer that the person admit they're wrong. See, that I'll accept. Because you get into an argument with someone about something and, and it's, you can get into the apology part, but it's really about who's right and who's wrong. You cannot imagine how wrong you are. Is that Jane Goodall?
- [110:01]
B
But see, with we women, while someone admitting they're wrong is good, oftentimes it's more like something that you said hurt their feelings. So you were wrong to say that. But it's not wrong really. Over wrong and right.
- [110:17]
A
I'm sorry.
- [110:20]
B
Herman Cain told his staff Tuesday he is reassessing the viability of his campaign in the wake of new allegations he engaged in a 14 year extramarital.
- [110:28]
A
Was he fucking them at the time or is he during a refractory period?
- [110:32]
B
Yeah, no, that's his denial. No, he was not. He had a friendship with them. He was not fucking them.
- [110:39]
A
Thirteen year friendship, huh? Yeah, it's that same thing we talk about. Like if you're just friends with someone for 13 years and you're texting them at 4am and all that kind of shit, and it's a chick and you're a dude and you're not fucking them, something's wrong with you. That's that same thing I talk about. It's like, listen, I enjoy the company of 9, 10, 11 year olds. And yes, we make forts in my bed. And yes, we shower together and yes, we'll cuddle and, you know, we'll, we'll engage in horseplay in the shower. But there's nothing sexual going on. Yes. When I drive my car, I'll rest my hand, their thigh. It's like, you don't understand. That is so much creepier than you blowing them.
- [111:17]
B
But I often.
- [111:18]
A
And it doesn't exist.
- [111:19]
B
Right. I mean, yes, we had sex a few times, but it wasn't sexual. I feel like that's what it is like. Yeah, we have a friendship that includes sex, but it's not.
- [111:26]
A
Oh, my God. You imagine the wife of Herman Cain. Like, look, bad news and horrific news. The bad news is your husband is not going to be the second black president. And the horrific news is all he's going to do is spend a shitload of money and let the world know that you're basically a beard who's a. Who's a doormat, who's hanging on while he just has dalliances all over the country. And for years and years, there's gonna be thousands of people coming out of the woodwork who your husband either fucked.
- [111:55]
B
Or tried to fuck or was really good friends with.
- [111:57]
A
Yeah. And you're gonna. You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna come out right now. I've been fucking Herman Cain's wife. That's right. How's it feel, bitch? For a long time. And she's good. Brian, you want to step out? You want to say anything? You're with me. Oh, my God. It's exciting. Sorry, sweetheart.
- [112:19]
B
Well, I have also. Fucking Herman Cain.
- [112:22]
A
You had.
- [112:22]
B
Well, I wouldn't call it fucking.
- [112:24]
A
You were there.
- [112:24]
B
I didn't say we had relations. I would not paint it with that brush.
- [112:28]
A
I knew your. I sensed your essence once when I was there. Evidently, she hadn't showered or showered well enough. Yeah. There should be a bunch of dudes stepping forward, going, you know what? I got on with Herman Cain's wife.
- [112:39]
B
Yeah. Why does Gloria smell like Adam or Alison?
- [112:42]
A
Well, Herman was on one of his many business trips when he was banging one of his colleagues. Guess who was balls deep in his wife.
- [112:49]
B
That's right.
- [112:49]
A
How does it feel, big boy?
- [112:51]
B
Yeah. Right. So I'm just. Here's what I'm wondering.
- [112:55]
A
Spread the word.
- [112:56]
B
And he's saying that he is going to reassess whether he's going to stay in. In the campaign, whether he's going to continue pursuing this. Depending on financing.
- [113:05]
A
Can I say this? Let me take this. Because I love to take everything and turn into some, you know, I'm attempting to, you know, like a young Charles Mantz. I'm trying to start a race war here. I have not heard much if anything about the wife and staying or leaving or what is her role or what is going on. Going on. There's been a lot of judgment of Herman Cain, but usually in this society the wife starts getting a little judgment too. Like, what are you doing staying with this guy? What are you doing standing by this guy? What kind of message are you sending to young girls across America that your wife can be this, yeah, he is a serial philanderer and you're just turning a blind eye, does all this kind of thing. And I wonder if there's a little bit of a cultural thing here. Like he's a black guy. I don't say nothing about it. Or like she knew what she was getting or something. Something. Because if this was just, could be worse, Mitt Romney, everyone would be fucking screaming at the white. First off, I don't even know the wife's name, Gloria. And I haven't heard anything about her. And I've not heard women. There should be a uprising of women going, what are you doing with this guy? What have you been doing? And why are you still with this guy? And this is an outrage.
- [114:20]
B
Well, I think that's what may come of the fat of the fact that he's been having an affair for 13 or 14 years. Because before it was just these, it seemed a whole lot of isolated incidents of people accusing him of sexual harassment still.
- [114:33]
A
Have you heard anything about her?
- [114:35]
B
Yeah, she has said that.
- [114:38]
A
Now where, where is the popular uprising against her?
- [114:42]
B
Yeah, there isn't any of that yet. But I, yeah, that's it.
- [114:45]
A
Stuff. That stuff should be around and should have been around.
- [114:49]
B
Well, there are people who are denying that all of this, that any of this is true.
- [114:54]
A
I think she's getting a cultural pass here a little bit. A little bit. Now I'm saying like where all the, where's all the Bill Maher jokes? Where's all the late night TV show host jokes? Like where's all the people? Women normally, if she was redheaded, I think people would be disgusted and be like, where's your dignity? Where's your self esteem? Where's your pride? What are you fucking with this guy?
- [115:17]
B
Why are you wearing red?
- [115:18]
A
Why are you wearing red?
- [115:19]
B
Or pink.
- [115:19]
A
Or pink.
- [115:20]
B
Whichever. Yeah, one redheads aren't supposed to wear.
- [115:23]
A
I'd say both. Yeah. I'm just saying I don't think we're gen. I, I again, maybe this is me, maybe this is just because I'm, you know, wildly bigoted. But I think she's getting, I think they're getting a little pass here, like a little. A little affirmative action on the blame here. I don't think the chicks want to blame, see, because it's this weird thing because. Because the chicks love to blame. It's. Honestly, it's the same problem they have with the Middle east, which is they should be dead set against the Muslim men and all the things that they're doing to oppress women. But they're fucked because it's a different culture and you can't judge cultures. So on one hand, you're throwing acid on women for driving cars or reading books or anything like that. And it'd be real easy to do if the dude looked like Rush Limits Limbaugh. You just can be. You just. You condemn it immediately. Except for he's a different culture, so now you're fucked. So all the super liberal chicks out here who live in Santa Monica can't really judge the Muslim men because they're Muslim men and it's not their culture, so they can't. And they really should be focusing on those poor. Their poor sisters in the east and what's happening to them. But they don't really say anything because they're sort of confused about it. They don't know what. I think there's an element of that with this. Like, on one hand, I want to tell this woman what to do. On the other hand, we're not the same color, so I can't judge. So I'm just gonna keep it zipped.
- [116:46]
B
Well, how do you feel about the whole thing? Do you think if a woman stands by a man who is a flanderer, there's something wrong with that? Because I'm thinking of marrying someone who's already married.
- [116:57]
A
Oh, my God. It's exciting, I think. And I hate this because I hate the cop out. It's a person personal decision that everyone has to make. I think there's some people, and for some people it's a major issue, and for others it's not. And it's usually some shade of gray in between the black and the white of those two. I think women are better prepared. I shouldn't say prepared, but their wiring is almost better for that than men. Men's wiring is like, I'll kill that guy. Who you with? Where you who? Where is he?
- [117:42]
B
Right.
- [117:43]
A
Women have the. You know, I mean, let's face it. This has been going on for a while. Herman Cain didn't invent this. This is something that's been happening ever since guys went out on the hunt.
- [117:54]
B
Sort of thing biologically, if she's stepping out, then the guy might be raising a kid that's not his. Whereas if he's stepping out, that just means he's got kids elsewhere.
- [118:02]
A
Yeah, there's a whole bunch of reasons why it's okay for me to cheat. Not okay for my wife.
- [118:07]
B
Right.
- [118:07]
A
That I'm gonna. I'll put a punch list together and we'll work that out when I get home. Reason 29B, section A. What? Page 139A. I'll let you get on that page. There you go. It's right in the pamphlet. Yeah, so. So when it becomes a woman, then it becomes. Who knows? Because for all we know, she hasn't had sex with this guy in 15 years and that's the way she likes it. I mean, maybe her thing is I want to stay married to you. I want to, I want to live in the house I live in. I want to have the lifestyle. I, I. But I'm not attracted to you physically anymore. But will not get divorced. I mean, who the fuck knows? They might have an agreement. She may be perfectly aware of all this stuff. As a matter of fact, he'd be sort of insane to embark on this journey without her knowing something because had to know that this stuff's gonna come out.
- [119:07]
B
Well, what I think is interesting is that now he's considering dropping out because to me, the revelation of a 14 year affair, like, why is that necessarily worse than all the sexual, sexual harassment stuff? But people do seem to think they're acting like it's worse.
- [119:22]
A
It's a cumulative thing though. I just think he's been buried in a landslide of poontang and he just can't dig his way out.
- [119:29]
B
A poontanga Lanch.
- [119:30]
A
Tupanga Lanch. Just. Yeah, like that Stevie Nick song until it. Until a poontanga brought it down.
- [119:44]
B
Yeah, but so he said that mounting allegations of sexual impropriety.
- [119:48]
A
Mounting. Yeah, he did.
- [119:53]
B
Are taking an emotional toll on his family. So he's finally saying it is taking a toll on his family. American Airlines files for bankruptcy.
- [120:03]
A
What's the over under on his next blowjob at home from his wife, 2051. I mean, like, when, when is the last. When point is what's over on his next blowjob. Like there should be Vegas odds on.
- [120:15]
C
This wife or the next one.
- [120:16]
A
This.
- [120:17]
B
I feel like this one's never.
- [120:18]
A
Yeah, maybe never say never.
- [120:20]
B
Probably got a bad back suddenly, but.
- [120:22]
A
We all know this guy's got a pretty good touch, you know what I mean?
- [120:27]
B
Yeah.
- [120:28]
A
Not bad at what he does.
- [120:29]
B
You're right.
- [120:31]
A
And who knows? Maybe she's into it.
- [120:34]
B
Maybe.
- [120:35]
A
I mean, I doubt it. But, you know, maybe she swings. Maybe she knows about it. I mean, maybe turns her on. I don't know. Maybe she's frightened. Maybe they never have sex. Maybe it's in. Maybe it's something that was agreed upon. I mean, there's so many different ways this could go at home, and so many people have so many different sort of agreements.
- [120:56]
B
I just suspect if that were the case, that he would be handling this differently. I don't think it would be these huge blanket denials. But maybe I'm wrong.
- [121:05]
A
But that might not be for her. That might be for us.
- [121:07]
B
Brian, you and your wife are swingers. What do you think?
- [121:09]
C
Yeah, she's obviously one of her word, you know, sticking by your man all these years. You know, the marriage vows and all that. So all he needs to do is make a bet with her for a blowjob and then win that bet. Like they're watching football in the fourth quarter. Bet you anything Tebow brings these guys back, she's like, no way. They're down by 10 points, there's two minutes left. Then when he brings them back and they win.
- [121:27]
A
Bj, right? That's right. All right, where were we?
- [121:31]
B
So American Airlines parent company AMR, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. All of its subsidiaries will honor tickets and reservations and operate normal flights schedules. During the process, the airline said it was forced into bankruptcy because of cost disadvantages it faced compared to rivals that had already gone through bankruptcies.
- [121:47]
A
Yeah, I should have known when I saw Monte Carlo being played in first class the other week when I was flying home from New York. Chick flick.
- [121:56]
B
Yeah, that's a sign.
- [121:58]
A
Oh, not only that, Tweener chick flick.
- [122:00]
B
I don't. I've never even heard of this movie.
- [122:03]
A
What's that? Can we happen about this on the. Was it Monte Carlo?
- [122:07]
C
It's a recent movie.
- [122:08]
A
There it is.
- [122:09]
B
Oh, look. Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, Katie Cassidy.
- [122:13]
A
Was I yelling at you two about this?
- [122:15]
B
No, but two of them have been on Gossip Girl. I feel like I would like this.
- [122:19]
A
Were they yelling at you too, or was I doing a show alone? Yeah, I thought we were all in the room. I thought we were all in the room, too. Yeah. Oh, anyway.
- [122:27]
B
Well, maybe we were, but I wasn't.
- [122:29]
A
You guys were tuned up. Monte Carlo is. Is. Yeah, fucking. I mean, it's about a bunch of 17 year old girls who go to Monte Carlo and fall in love with a prince or something.
- [122:40]
B
I really think I would remember that.
- [122:41]
A
I'm sitting in first class watching this fucking movie going, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, I got a $3,000 ticket here. I'm sitting next to eight other white guys in their 40s and everyone's looking at the screen going, what the fuck is this? Who is in? Who's watching? Watching? Who wants to see a film about seven? And by the way, no beating off.
- [123:02]
B
I was gonna say.
- [123:03]
A
Oh yeah, I think I was talking. I think I was talking to Joel McHale about it. Oh, God.
- [123:08]
B
Insult to injury.
- [123:09]
A
I figured it out. Yeah, Dreamboat came by, made sure the dumbest person alive. What is wrong with you? Who the fuck wants to see Monte Carlo?
- [123:18]
B
I'm still bitter.
- [123:19]
A
Okay, here's the thing. I would if I had an all girls like high school volleyball team and I took them on a flight and I go, hey, guess what the movie is. It's called the Bad Lieutenant. You're going to love it. Is there a difference? Why? I swear to God, I swear to God. This first class had just a bunch of dudes, average age 51, average income $2 million a year, and they're all fucking staring at this fucking chick flick tweener film.
- [123:51]
B
They do better just play. You know, when they play old sitcoms at the end of movies.
- [123:54]
A
I would rather watch 200 episodes of the King of Queens than fucking Monte Carlo. Who, What? Who is watching this fucking film in first class? And then they go, you were. Well, maybe. Well, it's true. But they go, well, you know. Well, that's the film they showed on the plane. But okay, show it in the back of the plane. Don't show in fucking first class or a regular movie.
- [124:14]
B
Or put those little individual TVs. Yeah, like they're non bankrupt partners.
- [124:20]
A
No, I think they gave you, they get, they, they gave you that little, little suitcase with the headphones and the thing on it. But then you're watching a six inch screen, right? You know what I mean? You don't watch Spider man on like your wristwatch.
- [124:32]
B
No, no, no. I, I barely want to watch things on my iPhone. I think I'm losing eyesight.
- [124:38]
A
So one of the chicks played her English twin who was like a tabloid heiress bad girl based on some Selena. Selena Gomez would show up and she's like, hello, Governor. Great. And then there'd be at sea where they squared off in the bathroom. And then everyone thought she was the heiress.
- [124:59]
B
Right.
- [124:59]
A
So next scene, other in Monte Carlo, staying at a beautiful hotel and. Sounds like Parent trap finds love.
- [125:05]
B
Who Played the prince. I bet you don't know.
- [125:08]
A
Hunky dude may have been Australian. And I was pretty drunk at the.
- [125:12]
B
Time of those three, though. And we're looking at Leighton Meester, Selena Gomez and Katie Cassidy. Who's your fave?
- [125:22]
A
I couldn't date Leighton Meester because I drink too much on airplanes and I'd fuck her. You know, people go, who you dating? I like Mr. Meester Meester band from the 80s. No, no. Lisa Meister. Meister Me.
- [125:38]
B
You couldn't date anyone who's been on Gossip Girl because they all have names like that.
- [125:41]
A
Couldn't be named Lisa. It'd be like Lisa Meester, Danny Meester. Leister. Leighton Meester. Leighton Miser. You know, that chick from Gossip Girl. You know, the girl from Possum Girl. Leighton Meester. Leighton Meister. Meister Burger. Yeah, I'd fuck that up. Selena Gomez. You know, I think I could do that, you know, because of the Bieber. The Bieber thing, You know, just breaking off some of the Bieber. Katie Cassidy. Yeah, I could handle that.
- [126:14]
B
She's David Cassidy's daughter.
- [126:16]
A
Oh, it is. I couldn't tell which one was which one was which. I knew Selena Gomez was her, and then I knew she was her British heiress. Oh, boy. You know, the film would be just her working with her dialect coach. Yes, that. That would be the movie I'd watch like Hearts of Darkness.
- [126:37]
B
So I wonder if they put marbles on her. Her mouth.
- [126:39]
A
Fucking Monte Carlo. And that's stupid. American Airline.
- [126:43]
B
Before Tuesday's. Tuesday's filing, American, Southwest, and JetBlue were the only major US airlines that had not filed for bankruptcy organization. So.
- [126:53]
A
So JetBlue and who? Southwest. Yeah.
- [126:55]
B
So see, there you go. Having a first class.
- [126:58]
A
Yeah.
- [126:58]
B
Is Is good or is good?
- [127:01]
A
JetBlue and Southwest are like, they're so smart. They run a tight ship. They provide a service at a great price point, and they give people what they want. And people fly JetBlue to New York and they watch their DirecTV and the headrest of the seat in front of them and they're entertained and they're happy. And then they fly it again.
- [127:21]
B
But they have flight attendants that make jokes.
- [127:25]
A
It's a scourge, thankfully, because the bulk of my flying on Southwest used to just be Burbank to Vegas. And whenever they called Las Vegas lost wages and then laughed hysterically. It always, always bothered me. And I think someone put an end to that.
- [127:43]
B
And I'm happy about that because we got. When Brian and I were flying, there are six ways to Leave your lover. But there's two different ways to get off this airplane.
- [127:52]
A
Oh, really?
- [127:53]
B
And then I was thinking, I wonder how she arrived as six ways to leave your lover. Cause it also could be like, there's seven ways till Sunday, right? Or, you know, there's a million ways to skin a cat. There's so many different number things she could have said.
- [128:03]
A
I thought there was 50 ways to leave your lover.
- [128:05]
C
50 ways to leave your lovers. 6 ways off the airplane.
- [128:07]
B
Whatever.
- [128:09]
C
You had it right? Mostly. Point is funny, flight attendant.
- [128:13]
B
I think there's just six ways to leave your lover.
- [128:16]
A
Make a new plan, Sam. Don't need to be Coy Roy. By the way, when I heard that song came out, I was. I was nine, you know, and don't need to be Coy Roy. First off, koi doesn't mean it's not even a fish when you're nine, right? I. I thought he said you slipped the back Jack. I would sing don't need to be corduroy because it's like, it's the only sense I can make of coy and Roy.
- [128:40]
B
You know the Golden Girls theme song? It's if you threw a party and invited. And the card attached would say, that's the line. But I always thought it was. And the heart attack would say, and it made sense to me because they're all old. Seth MacFarlane's house was toilet papered by Charlie Sheen fans.
- [128:56]
D
Really?
- [128:57]
B
Yes, it was toilet papered last night.
- [128:58]
A
Don't mean to be Feaster. Meester Meister. See, it's no good.
- [129:04]
B
It's not.
- [129:04]
A
Can't break up with Leighton Meister Layton. Meester Leighton. Don't want to be Fainting Layton.
- [129:12]
B
That's good.
- [129:14]
A
Masturbating Layton. All right.
- [129:16]
B
Anyway, two identified boys and one girl snuck onto Seth's Beverly Hills property, toilet papered the house, put a sign on his front door that said, winning Tiger blood. And they made this drawing that said, roast. What? Here it says that it says, roast this bitch, but I think what they meant to say was, roast this bitch.
- [129:35]
A
Aha.
- [129:36]
B
And then Seth tweeted, actually, I got in a bra with a mummy. I won.
- [129:42]
A
Funny. What was their problem with him? Did he did something?
- [129:47]
B
Mm, I don't know.
- [129:48]
A
Mm. That's his house. I can vouch for for that.
- [129:52]
B
Did it have toilet paper on it when you were there? Who toilet papers anymore?
- [129:56]
A
I don't know. But it's funny. I always think about when the TPing craze hit. The guys who made toilet paper must have thought, this is awesome. Because we can even go three sheets at a time once a day on someone's ass. Or they can get the principal's house and go through roll after roll after roll. Like the guys who make skateboard trucks have to be delighted that kids are out trying to break their product constantly. Like it used to be, you'd get a pair of skateboard trucks and a skateboard. You just ride your skateboard, and it'd last you until you got tired, and then you'd put it in a closet. Now they're out dragging them on every rail and dragging them on all the coping and jumping off shit, and they're gonna be busting more trucks. And if you make skateboard trucks, these are your salad days, my friend. We should all stop what we're doing right now and start making toilet paper.
- [130:46]
B
Eggs.
- [130:46]
A
Eggs. And skateboard trucks. Shaving cream and shaving cream. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna get a store at the mall and call it simply skateboard trucks.
- [130:56]
B
Eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper.
- [130:58]
A
And pie tins.
- [131:00]
B
Oh, pie tins.
- [131:00]
A
Yeah, yeah. And guitars.
- [131:02]
B
What are other things that people.
- [131:03]
A
To who? Fans. And because now people are trying to destroy skateboard trucks. Like they're fucking beating the shit out of those things. You ever watch any of those videos? It's like up on the railing, dragging them down the railing, dropping railings. Show railings. All right. Simply railing skateboard trucks. Toilet paper, Shaving cream. Shaving cream and eggs galore. And guitars. Maybe loose simply, but not acoustic for gifts.
- [131:28]
B
Like Spencer's for gifts. It could have all of that simp. No, I don't think lose simply.
- [131:32]
C
Simply is more at that point. And railing for your store.
- [131:39]
A
A lot of truck dragon. A lot of board bright and truck dragging. I'm beating the out of. They're angry at those skateboards.
- [131:46]
B
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, cunt.
- [131:53]
A
That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, where the hell were we? Go to meeting everybody. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Everyone's on the go. You're traveling around, holidays coming up, hitting the road. Want to stay in touch? Want to get some work done? Gotomeeting brought to you by Citrix. Host meetings online from your computer while attendees join from any computer or get this iPad. There you go. So you don't want to make iPads. You can't TP a house with an iPad. Go to meeting and you can go for free. That's right. You can go to the app store for free and you can download your app for your iPhone or Your Android or your iPad. So easy to do. Try gotomeeting free 30 days free 30 days, 30 days free. You hear me? Go to the app store and or Android market, download the free app. Visit GoToMeeting.com GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code Adam and speaking of your computer, how about some stamps.com? this is an amazing company. Stamps.com I don't have to go to post office ever again. And doesn't matter. Sending a letter, sending a box, a parcel, it doesn't matter. Especially around the holidays. You can trystamps.com and you can print official US postage using your own computer right out of your printer. You can do everything. Turns your office or turns anywhere really into a post office minus the race riff raft, you know what I'm saying? And the wanted posters. Actually I'd put, I put a few of those wanted posters up my own self. That's what I do.
- [133:36]
B
I put something with a glass frame with different commemorative stamps as well.
- [133:42]
A
Yeah, for me it's Shirley Temple. Doesn't get any better than that in the stamp department. Yep. Do everything you do at the post office without the hassle and you print it right on out. You slap it right on, on there onto your parcel there onto your envelope. They got the digital scale. They got 55 bucks free postage. 55 bucks. That's a lot of sending.
- [134:06]
B
It really is.
- [134:07]
A
I don't know if I do that and I don't know if I do that in a year. That's healthy, man.
- [134:11]
B
Especially around the holidays.
- [134:13]
A
All right, let's get going, people. Only if you enter Adam go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Adam that's stamps.com promo code. Adam. All right, let's take look a a break. Speaking of hot chicks, winter Zolies here. Did I screw up? Zoli?
- [134:31]
B
I don't think so.
- [134:32]
A
All right, Sons of Anarchy Tuesday nights, 10pm on FX. We'll bring her in next. Yeah, FYI, if you're going to be in Philadelphia, I'll be at the Keswick theater tomorrow. Thursday, December 1st. Ditch Detroit, Royal Oak Theater on Friday, Saturday, Chicago park west, two shows by the way, Denver at the Paramount Theater on Sunday. You go to the website if you want to find out more details about those shows or any other ones coming up. Winter Zoli, good to see you, sweetie.
- [135:05]
E
Hi. Thanks for having me.
- [135:07]
A
My pleasure. Sons of Anarchy Tuesday nights, 10pm on FX. Season finale coming up on Tuesday, 12-2-6 I hear. And take this in spirit, which is intended. I hear this is a great show. There's too many good shows for me to watch now. And it's just weird. It's like. I don't know. It's like the Wire or something. Like, everyone's like, oh, that's a great show. It's a great show. And I go, I know, Bob. So I'm like, behind on everything. I don't know when to start. I guess I got to get the box set or something like that.
- [135:38]
E
I know exactly we're talking about. There's a lot of good shows to catch up on for myself, but, yeah, it's a great show. I. I highly recommend it.
- [135:45]
A
Yeah. And I like Ron Perlman.
- [135:46]
E
Yeah.
- [135:47]
A
Although he's a big blowhard. A little bit. A little bit.
- [135:51]
E
He.
- [135:52]
A
He likes to talk.
- [135:54]
E
Yeah. But you know what?
- [135:55]
A
He's just say, ron's Ron.
- [135:58]
E
Ron's Ron.
- [135:59]
A
Yeah. Yeah. But you like that guy.
- [136:03]
E
I do. I like all the guys. They're all really.
- [136:06]
A
Where do you film? Where do you shoot the show?
- [136:08]
E
North on Hollywood.
- [136:09]
A
Blah.
- [136:10]
E
Mm.
- [136:10]
A
That's where I'm from.
- [136:11]
E
Really?
- [136:12]
A
Yeah. Did you like the noise I made? Blah.
- [136:15]
E
Yeah, that was great.
- [136:17]
A
Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You know, I grew up out there.
- [136:23]
B
Huh.
- [136:24]
A
Yeah. Sorry you have to shoot there.
- [136:27]
E
It's a little ghetto there. But we're on Radford.
- [136:31]
A
Oh. Oh, you shoot on Radford at Radford Studio.
- [136:35]
E
Did I just say Radford? Yeah, I didn't mean to say.
- [136:37]
A
Oh, okay. Because that wouldn't have been good, that.
- [136:40]
E
No, not Radford. No, we're at Occidental Studios.
- [136:44]
A
Where is Occidental? Somewhere in North Hollywood.
- [136:48]
E
Yeah. Somewhere in North Hollywood.
- [136:49]
A
Yeah. North Hollywood's kind of depressing, right?
- [136:51]
B
It is.
- [136:52]
A
It really is, culturally. Like, what the fuck is going on? It's like kind of half Tijuana and just half sort of bumfuck and.
- [136:59]
B
Yeah. But if you need a mattress, it's easy to find.
- [137:01]
A
Good. Good place. Good for mattress. Not great if you're into supporting the arts, for instance, but.
- [137:07]
B
Oh, that.
- [137:08]
A
It's good for. If you need a box spring. Yeah. It's kind of weird. It is. It's. It's a little. Depending on where you go, it's got a lot of sort of Tijuana in it. I was just driving down, like, Sherman Way and Van Nuys today. At a certain point, I sort of looked around and went, where the fuck am I? Yeah.
- [137:23]
B
There's the NoHo Arts District. How do people feel about Doesn't. I think Gary lives near there.
- [137:28]
A
I built the Acme Theater in the Noho Arts District right when they were starting to call it the Noho Arts district in like 1990, when it was still weird and dicey and scary, but they decided we're going to make this into the Melrose Boulevard of the Valley. And they started doing stuff and we built. I built the Acme Theater there and then they turned it into something some other. It's still a theater and it's still right there off of Magnolia. And it's still in the Noho Arts District. Although they have the ugliest sign on the planet.
- [138:04]
B
They really do.
- [138:05]
A
Well, it's weird when you're sort of saying like, hey, this is the arts district. But you put artistically the worst sign you can possibly put there, though. That's your idea of art.
- [138:16]
B
It's like the Noho Found Arts District.
- [138:19]
A
Yeah, it's bad times. And it's also a weird message to put forward because it's like, hey, this is. Look how artistic we are. Except for I've seen your fucking sign. And it's like a clown vomited on a piece of steel. Yeah, that's like.
- [138:36]
B
It didn't make the cut for Tomorrowland.
- [138:40]
A
It was like some poor sign got raped in the bathroom that got gang raped in the bathroom. A trip truck stop. And that's what came out.
- [138:46]
C
That's the signs when the walk of shame.
- [138:48]
B
It's like a sign had an affair with the robot from Short Circuit.
- [138:53]
A
It's exactly what it is.
- [138:55]
B
Know what I would call it around the holidays?
- [138:58]
A
Ho ho.
- [138:58]
B
Arts District.
- [138:59]
A
That's good stuff. We'll edit that out of the show. So, winter. Oh, yeah. You moved out here with your family from Prague?
- [139:08]
E
I moved out here by myself.
- [139:09]
A
By yourself?
- [139:10]
E
Yeah, I did.
- [139:11]
A
At age 11.
- [139:13]
E
No, no, that's what it says here.
- [139:14]
A
It says, at age 11, move with her family. Oh, to Prague. Sorry, now I've screwed up. Where were you then? Where did you grow up? Or where were you before age 11?
- [139:26]
E
I grew up in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.
- [139:28]
A
And you just go to Prague at age 11 and then.
- [139:30]
E
Well, I'm half Czech, so it's not like it's completely out of the blue.
- [139:34]
A
Right.
- [139:36]
E
And yeah, my parents wanted to open up a new business. Business. And they chose Prague.
- [139:41]
A
Sure. Makes sense. You're in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. The only logical move is to Prague.
- [139:47]
B
Exactly.
- [139:48]
A
So they go to Prague to open.
- [139:49]
E
A what, a nightclub and a restaurant.
- [139:53]
A
Yeah, still working out, still going good 20 years and they're still in Prague.
- [139:59]
E
And they're still in Prague. They were voted one of the top 10 clubs in the world at one point.
- [140:05]
A
Wow.
- [140:05]
E
90S. Yeah.
- [140:06]
C
What year was this when they started it?
- [140:08]
E
They started in 92.
- [140:15]
B
No, no. Yeah.
- [140:16]
E
They were one of the first clubs to start really playing house and jungle.
- [140:20]
A
Oh, boy.
- [140:22]
E
Yeah, that's.
- [140:23]
A
That's the birthday. That's patient zero.
- [140:28]
B
What's the name of their club?
- [140:29]
E
It's called Rados.
- [140:30]
A
F.
- [140:33]
E
Rados means joy in Czech. And then the FX was actually added for numerology purposes by my mother, and.
- [140:40]
A
The network forced that upon them after the first season of Sons of Anarchy, I'm sure. So they're out there. And so you came out here at what age then?
- [140:51]
E
I came out here when I was 24.
- [140:54]
A
Did you get exposed to a lot of productions and things in Prague because there's a lot of Hollywood and movies and shooting and stuff that goes on in Prague?
- [141:01]
E
I did, yeah. I was actually fortunate to be able to build up my resume out there. I got a lot of work, which helped me when I came out here to get a manager representation.
- [141:10]
A
That's so random that you moved to Prague to get work and then essentially Hollywood kind of follows you out there, right?
- [141:18]
E
Yeah.
- [141:19]
A
Because when you first moved there, there wasn't that much in the way of production or was there?
- [141:24]
E
That's when it was just starting. So, you know, we moved out there in 92. So around 94, 95, it really started to pick up.
- [141:35]
A
And again, awesome, because you didn't have to leave Prague. Tell me about Prague. What do we need to know?
- [141:45]
E
Well, it's a beautiful city. When I moved there, it was just post Communism, so it was very dark, dingy and depressing.
- [141:56]
A
What? That's not the Communism I know.
- [141:59]
E
So it was a bit of a culture shock. But since then it has become very Western, which is, I think, both good and bad. But it's still. Architecturally, I mean, everything. It's really old. Everything's all things authentic.
- [142:16]
A
Yeah, that's why they shoot there all the time.
- [142:19]
E
Yeah, there. There it is.
- [142:20]
A
And so you lived in a place and your parents ran the nightclub, and did you ever work at the nightclub?
- [142:27]
E
I did, yeah. I. Yeah, I started out waitressing, then I moved.
- [142:34]
A
We're at a Vicksburg.
- [142:35]
E
There it is.
- [142:36]
A
There it is.
- [142:37]
B
More glow sticks.
- [142:39]
E
Yes, glow sticks.
- [142:40]
A
And what was the big drink? When you're waitressing, what are people drinking?
- [142:46]
E
Well, I was only doing brunch. I wasn't working at night.
- [142:51]
B
Wait, it was a nightclub that served brunch?
- [142:53]
E
Yeah, there's a restaurant upstairs which functions from 11 in the morning until 4 in the morning.
- [143:03]
A
Wow.
- [143:04]
B
Yeah.
- [143:05]
A
Pretty rangy brunch there.
- [143:06]
B
Well.
- [143:07]
E
Well, it's. You know, weekends are brunch. I work the weekends.
- [143:09]
A
I see. I see. So a lot of mimosas.
- [143:12]
E
A lot of mimosas and coffee. And then I started working in the office. I did some party promoting, and that's when it got really fun. And. Yeah. Threw some parties and.
- [143:27]
A
Yeah, that'd be. You had to be the hippest kid in your Prague high school. Well, that was that work.
- [143:34]
E
The party promoting happened. This was after I graduated from school in New York and moved back to Prague for a couple years.
- [143:41]
A
Okay, so you went to high school, though?
- [143:43]
E
I went to high school in Prague, then I moved to New York, went to acting school, moved back to Prague. Well, I wasn't intending to move, but I ended up staying for two more years.
- [143:51]
A
Mm. Wow. That's a crazy journey of a. Of an adolescence.
- [143:56]
E
Yeah.
- [143:57]
A
But good, right?
- [143:58]
E
Oh, amazing. So for me. Yeah, for sure.
- [144:01]
A
And did you travel all through Europe?
- [144:04]
E
I did, yeah. I've been pretty much everywhere.
- [144:07]
A
God damn. See? Remember North Hollywood? That was me.
- [144:12]
B
You've seen other parts of Hollywood.
- [144:14]
A
I got out every once in a while to Van Nuys. Summer in Van Nuys.
- [144:18]
B
Right, right.
- [144:19]
A
And once in a while, if we're doing well, we'd drive through Sherman Oaks, maybe Valley Village, just to see how the other half was living. But we stuck to North Hollywood.
- [144:28]
C
Frog of the Valley, Keeping it real.
- [144:32]
A
Yeah. All right, you have some news, or at least the rest of the news queued up there. And Winter, you just jump right on in and say whatever you like.
- [144:41]
B
Okay.
- [144:42]
A
And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.
- [144:47]
B
Facebook published a list of the most shared articles from 2011. The 40 most shared articles on Facebook. And I will tell you the top 10. 10 the new Zodiac sign dates. Remember when people thought the zodiac was shifting and, oh, my God, I thought I was a Taurus all along, but it turns out I'm not?
- [145:05]
A
No, I don't remember that.
- [145:07]
B
Big news. It was big news. Do you remember Winter? Okay, well, that's okay.
- [145:11]
A
Nobody remembers that. When would that happen?
- [145:15]
B
So you mean it was a false alarm, though?
- [145:18]
A
So it's like, you mean I'd been living this lie about being a Gemini, and turns out I was a Taurus my whole life?
- [145:24]
B
Like, didn't you know secretly that you were a cancer your whole life?
- [145:27]
A
I knew I was a Taurus, but.
- [145:29]
B
Didn'T he ever feel like something else?
- [145:31]
A
I don't know. I met some ditzy chick and we. Oh, wait a minute.
- [145:34]
B
Did your charts.
- [145:35]
A
No, but we found out, you know, she did the thing where I found out I was a Gemini. But I don't feel like I have two personalities. I feel like I have half a personality.
- [145:45]
B
Someone's walking around, there's a gemini with someone.
- [145:48]
A
3 and a half personalities out there. Yeah.
- [145:51]
B
Find that person.
- [145:51]
A
Yeah.
- [145:52]
B
Wait, so you. You and some chick found out you were this. Couldn't you just look in the back of the newspaper?
- [145:57]
A
No, no. I mean. I mean, it was. I just had it. It's one of those dudes. Never talk about it. Like, I've known Brian for 10 years. I don't know. Fucking sign. He is bald, right? And broke. That's a sign. That's what I see when I see bald Brian. I don't care what a sign is.
- [146:11]
B
He's a scalpacus.
- [146:12]
A
And when he tells me what it is, I just go. I never go. I knew it. I don't even know what it means. What are you, Brian? Just for the record, just so I can forget about it. He's a big boy.
- [146:23]
C
Virgo.
- [146:24]
A
I knew it. Yeah. What traits do Virgos have?
- [146:29]
C
I will say I'm not down with all the astrology stuff, but the Virgo is very organized, almost anal, sort of in their organization, and I very much exhibit that. But I don't delve much deeper. I'd be good matches with these people and all that exhibit that trait.
- [146:44]
A
Winter would.
- [146:45]
E
Are you Cancer.
- [146:46]
A
And do you have the signs of the cancer?
- [146:49]
E
I do, yeah.
- [146:50]
A
You do?
- [146:50]
B
Yeah, I do.
- [146:51]
E
That sort of homebody. Carry my home on my back.
- [146:55]
A
You?
- [146:56]
B
Yeah.
- [146:57]
A
Strong back. And how about you, Allison? William.
- [146:59]
B
I'm Taurus.
- [147:00]
A
Oh. My sister's a Taurus.
- [147:02]
B
I am beautiful, like they say.
- [147:05]
A
And funny like the majestic bull you're named after.
- [147:08]
B
No, I am. Well, I don't believe in it, but I am stubborn like a Taurus. But the other stuff, like I'm supposed to be. Be a good, like. Good at making a good homemaker and domestic and all that shit, and I'm not now.
- [147:19]
A
Are you supposed to get along with other Tauruses?
- [147:22]
B
I think so.
- [147:23]
A
Who are you compatible with? How about the cancer over here? I think cool with that.
- [147:29]
B
You know, the only time I. I mean, I think I am. The only time I really looked into it was many years ago when I would have a crush on a guy, and I'd be like, oh, I wonder if we're compatible.
- [147:37]
A
Yeah.
- [147:37]
B
You know, I feel Like I didn't go much further than that.
- [147:39]
A
Remember at the 7 11, they'd sell those little scrolls.
- [147:42]
B
Yes.
- [147:43]
A
Did they sell those little scrolls? I feel like they've been replaced by energy drinks. Like that was our energy drink.
- [147:50]
B
Right.
- [147:50]
A
That was our, our. And now our kids get this weird caramel colored that they're drinking. It makes it more obnoxious. They both kind of give you a license to be a douche. But those little weird purple scrolls, formerly for Jews only. Yeah. If you got really high, you'd try to smoke one. Right.
- [148:09]
B
Or you could snort drugs through it.
- [148:11]
A
Yeah. Make a sherm out of it. Yeah.
- [148:13]
B
They also used to have biorhythm machines or those things that you'd. Those handles that you pull and it'd say whether you're like clammy or a hot love machine. How would I know that?
- [148:23]
A
My mom had a fucking biorhythm wheel.
- [148:26]
B
Really?
- [148:26]
A
Yeah. And it'd be the same thing every time. It'd be like, hey, mom, can I get a ride to Van Nuys to Teddy's house? Hold on, let it me call. Consult the wheel. Bad news. Have an extra critical day. Talk to me tomorrow.
- [148:41]
B
That's. That was the. It was like a two.
- [148:43]
A
Yeah. Every day was an extra critical day. Like she had a bad wheel. By the way, I'll save you five bucks. Every day is a bad day.
- [148:51]
B
You should have gotten her a Magic 8.
- [148:53]
A
Yeah. You got a mattress and no box ring. It's on the floor. You're living in a piece of that your mom lets you squat in. In North Island. Hollywood, you're on welfare and food stamps. Give me the wheel.
- [149:03]
B
How should I know?
- [149:04]
A
There's not gonna be a lot of good days on that fucking wheel.
- [149:07]
B
You should have done her extra critical day. So the ninth most shared story on Facebook. Giant crocodile captured.
- [149:15]
A
I want to see one. I want to see one of those biorhythm wheels so I can have a Vietnam esque flashback.
- [149:21]
B
Do you need a therapy dog?
- [149:23]
A
Yeah, I need a. Now I can fly with one.
- [149:26]
B
Yes, you can.
- [149:26]
A
That's right.
- [149:28]
B
And then also if the dog senses you get one of those worth it. Senses that you're about to have a seizure. It'll jump on top of you, calm you down.
- [149:34]
A
Okay. The second story was an alligator.
- [149:38]
B
Giant crocodile. They are not the same. Giant crocodile captured alive in Philippines. 8th most shared story dog in Japan stays by the side of ailing friend in the rubble. Like your therapy dog.
- [149:49]
A
But maybe the dog was just trapped or waiting for you to die so it could eat You.
- [149:53]
B
You're right. You're right.
- [149:54]
A
Stays by the side. We do too much. We ascribe too much good to dogs and too much evil to cats.
- [150:00]
E
No, but his owner was buried there.
- [150:02]
A
Mm.
- [150:02]
E
He's already dead.
- [150:03]
B
Yeah.
- [150:03]
A
Oh, he's already dead.
- [150:04]
E
Oh, yeah. He wouldn't leave the grave.
- [150:07]
B
Oh, no. That's a. That's the number six. Yeah, that's number six. That's okay. It's okay. Number eight was ailing. Friend. Number six is dead. Friend.
- [150:17]
A
But the dog. Hanging out. But where's the dog going, really? You know what I mean?
- [150:22]
B
Right?
- [150:26]
A
Brunch plants in Prague. You know what I mean? Where's the dog got to go?
- [150:30]
B
I feel like everyone should test their dog by being in some kind of situation and seeing if the dog.
- [150:35]
A
I do that when I get home.
- [150:36]
B
Yeah.
- [150:36]
A
I'll fake a heart attack.
- [150:37]
B
Do it. Let us know what happens.
- [150:39]
A
Yeah. Number seven, Sad parts. When my wife steps over me on her way to the kitchen. That's bad.
- [150:45]
B
An eye.
- [150:46]
A
Hey, Ben, this was tested. I didn't know you were gonna get involved. Yeah.
- [150:52]
B
Number seven, you'll freak when you see the new Facebook. That was the headline. It was about the Facebook redesign. Number six, Winter's story @ funeral. Dog mourns the death of Navy SEAL killed in Afghanistan at.
- [151:02]
A
Funeral. How'd it do.
- [151:04]
B
That? Well, it prepared a.
- [151:06]
A
Speech. I mean, did it. Did it howl or. It must add.
- [151:10]
C
Something. Planted itself up at the altar by the. I think there's a famous picture. Famous as of six months ago. Like, planted itself up at the altar, like, underneath the guy's casket or something like.
- [151:22]
A
That.
- [151:22]
C
Wow. Like, the dog could not be.
- [151:24]
A
Consoled. Oh, I like.
- [151:25]
B
That. Inconsolable.
- [151:26]
A
Dog. Right? Right. Until it found a sofa pillow to fuck. Then it was right back to.
- [151:31]
B
Normal. My parents dog has dog sex with their computer chair. And he's.
- [151:36]
A
Scared. Yeah, my dog. My dog used to have sex with my kids. Hippo.
- [151:42]
B
Chair. I guess they like.
- [151:44]
A
Chairs. Yeah, they love chairs. Yes. They had that. That hippo chairs are a wild disappointment when you get older, because when you're young. When you're young, it's awesome. They're all shaped like.
- [151:54]
B
Stuff.
- [151:54]
A
Yeah. And they're cool, and they're festive, and they're on the floor and your dog's fucking them. And then later on, it's like, here's a folding metal thing. Sit on it. Be.
- [152:02]
B
Happy. You know.
- [152:03]
A
What? This is a huge.
- [152:04]
B
Disappointment. Phones, not smartphones, but actual landlines are huge disappointments. Because when you're a kid, it's like, ooh, a duck that questions or a dog that barks. Or a race car or a high.
- [152:13]
A
Heel. Or how about just castles that you can't bounce in? Just regular castle castles. Jumping up and down on that hard granite.
- [152:20]
B
Floor. Fucking falling in the.
- [152:22]
A
Moat. Falling in the moat. Getting eaten by alligator. That's sometimes having to do the queen spitting. Yeah.
- [152:29]
B
Yeah. Totally hate that cold. Yeah. Those giant thrones that you can't sit in and the.
- [152:35]
A
Jester. Yeah. No drunken middle aged guy with his shoes off jumping around with.
- [152:40]
B
You. Never enough.
- [152:40]
A
Mead. I love the one dude in the kitty castle. That's my.
- [152:44]
B
Thing. And then there's someone who's like checking the weight capacity for.
- [152:47]
A
It.
- [152:47]
B
Yeah. You're just right under.
- [152:49]
A
It. Yeah, yeah. There's always the one dude actually out here. It's always our friend Don Barris who gets. It's not even drunk, just shoes off, going balls out in the kiddie.
- [152:58]
B
Castle. Do they have bounce castles and all this in Prague or do they have something more.
- [153:03]
A
Fun? They have real castles. If you live in a real castle and you're having a kids party, do you get the bouncy cast.
- [153:10]
B
Castle? It's like an insult to the.
- [153:12]
A
Castle.
- [153:12]
E
Yeah. I don't know that they have bouncy. I've never seen a bouncy castle in.
- [153:16]
C
Prague. You got a bouncy one bedroom apartment for your.
- [153:19]
A
Kids.
- [153:20]
C
Yeah. Put it in your.
- [153:20]
A
Castle. Yeah. They say a man's home is his bouncy.
- [153:24]
B
Castle. Okay. The fifth most shared thing was the father daughter dance medley. It's a video. The fourth was.
- [153:33]
A
Parent. What's going on.
- [153:34]
B
There? Father and.
- [153:35]
A
Daughter. Oh, it's a.
- [153:36]
B
Medley. Yeah. They're dancing at a wedding and it's an unconventional.
- [153:40]
A
Dance. Is it? Is it? But, but it's, it's a, it's one father and daughter. It's not, it's not a medley of fathers and.
- [153:47]
B
Daughters. No, it's not like a father daughter review. It's one father and one.
- [153:51]
A
Daughter. Yeah, I remember me and my dad used to dance to this all the.
- [153:57]
B
Time. Did you stand on his.
- [153:59]
A
Shoes? I need to see that biorhythm wheel so I can fucking have a heart.
- [154:04]
C
Attack. I know it's hot and I know you may, may not or, or may not have been drunk, but you remember I Rick rolled my.
- [154:08]
B
Wedding. Did you play drops at your own.
- [154:10]
C
Wedding? I play I Rick rolled my.
- [154:12]
A
Wedding.
- [154:12]
C
Yeah. It was sadly the highlight of my life to that.
- [154:14]
A
Point. Yeah, it.
- [154:16]
C
Was. First dance. I. Now the couple would like to invite you to Watch the first dance. You expect like a real like mellow song. We got out there. We did like a three second, like, wait for the music. Wait for the.
- [154:26]
D
Music.
- [154:29]
A
Yeah. Did anyone laugh? I.
- [154:31]
C
Couldn'T. I was.
- [154:32]
A
Radiated. My wedding Jimmy played a man eater just to fuck with me. Then he paid big tad 100 bucks to get naked and throw a cannonball in a swimming pool. But thankfully I was drunk by then, so it didn't matter. Yeah, there's the biorhythm wheel. So you can figure out, like, there's good days. There's a flawed plan with the biorhythm wheel. Because my mom would look at the biorhythm wheel and she'd be like, oop, not a good day to leave that house and to be like, yeah, what about jobs and driving people to school and stuff? Sorry, you can't argue with the wheel. It'd be like two days later be, oh, another critical day. Like, there was never a day that was good for mowing the lawn or doing push ups. It was always just, oops, extra critical day. Don't. No, not a good day. And I think it was more like, don't make any big stock trades on this day. But my mom adhered to the wheel religiously and would like, I'm not getting dressed. Rest a day, extra.
- [155:30]
B
Critical. Yeah, I'm not taking a shower. Could drown. But I don't get how it.
- [155:36]
A
Worked. It's just good.
- [155:37]
B
Science. I mean, but yeah, I just don't get.
- [155:40]
A
Science. I don't know the fuck you do. You punch something or just look at it. Yes. Yes. You put the date in. I don't know where the moon is and where the whatever is. And you twist it around and then you find out it's not a good day to drive your son to Van Nuys. That's what it's really for. It should be called the I'm going to get out of shit wheel. I'm going to not do shit people ask me to do.
- [156:03]
B
Wheel. I'm going to shirk my duties.
- [156:04]
A
Wheel. Shirk my duties wheel. Right.
- [156:08]
B
Yeah. Number four, parents don't dress your girls like tramps story about how little kids are dressing too sexy. Number three. Here you go. No, your zodiac sign hasn't changed. Number two, what teachers really want to tell parents. And the number one most shared article on Facebook in 2011, satellite photos of Japan before and after the quake and.
- [156:30]
A
Tsunami. What do they really want to tell the.
- [156:33]
B
Parents? I don't know. But evidently a lot of them think of they want to leave Teaching because of interactions with parents. So I think what they really want to tell them is a.
- [156:42]
A
Fu. You know, the thing about.
- [156:44]
B
It. Hit the.
- [156:45]
A
Road. These teachers are constantly complaining about the parents not getting involved enough. But is that really what you. You.
- [156:50]
B
Want? Evidently.
- [156:51]
A
Not. Bunch of needy white people going, why isn't my child getting the extra attention? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, that seems. I feel like as a teacher, be pain in the ass when I saw the, you know, the super intrusive couple coming up, coming on, right. Bringing the casserole as an offering, but then laying into me. I don't go for.
- [157:09]
B
That.
- [157:09]
A
Yeah. And by the way, it's insane with these kids. There's the first day of school. We just did the Thanksgiving one. Whatever. It's times two because I got the twins. And then what, like a Thanksgiving program? Yeah. Everyone brings food, you serve everybody. Everything's a party. Everything's got to show up. You got to meet everybody. I was just informed, bullet dodge, by the way, that I think Friday, some sort of parent teacher thing. And I don't know how. What. I don't know when this happened. And I think it's an LLC thing because this would not go on in Prague or in Pennsylvania. And I know it was just happy coincidence with the alliteration there, but they do this thing where it's like, all right, we're gonna meet. Okay, when? Well, we're gonna meet Wednesday at noon. And it's like, do dudes have jobs? Remember, dudes had jobs. Like you're supposed to be somewhere middle of the week, middle of the day. And then you do the thing where you go, I can't be there. I'm working. They go, what? So you're not gonna what? Quit my job. The fucking kids. Five fucking fine. Talking to you on a miniature chair. You know what I mean about the five year old. 7. Little trouble with the lowercase letters. You know, with that paper that's got the stippling on it so you can learn how to. Yeah, he's fine. He'll be fine. She'll be fine. What's with all the middle of the week meetings? How about we call this. I'll meet you Saturday night at Chili's by the first round. Yeah, I'm.
- [158:44]
B
Free. There should be more parent teacher conferences at a.
- [158:47]
A
Bar. Yes. Pitcher.
- [158:49]
B
Beer. Let's get to the truth at your parents.
- [158:51]
A
Nightclub. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. The floor going and the house music pumping and we're rolling on X. And then it's just. And there's you're expected as a dad, you're expected to be at all these weekday, middle of the day, middle of the week, fucking nonsense meetings. You're just supposed to be there. It's not like you're at your office and you get a phone call that your kid got stabbed by another kid and you're showing up. It's like, no, we're just going to hang out and talk about your kid in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. And there's a bunch of dads.
- [159:26]
B
There. Don Draper would never.
- [159:28]
A
Go. No, man. Men's Don Draper would go. And it is one of those. It's funny because there's nobody in between. There's winner dad and there's loser dad. Like, you see the dude there who's wearing the suit, who just. He owns the company, so he gets to come and go as he. As he chooses. So he can go to the.
- [159:46]
B
Thanksgiving short day that.
- [159:47]
A
Day. Then there's the dude in the hemp flip flops smelling of patchouli, has.
- [159:51]
B
A fucking headache, who had a very critical day. He.
- [159:54]
A
Put. He plays the. Yeah, he plays. Yeah, Brogan, he plays the bass guitar in like an America cover band or something. But he hasn't been gainfully employed in four years, and he's up for anything at any time. But there's not the in between, dude. There's the never had a job dude in the last five years. And then there's CEO, I do what I want dude. There's not the in between.
- [160:17]
B
Dude. But does the never had it. Does Brogan have a wife that's working that kind.
- [160:21]
A
Of. Yes.
- [160:21]
B
Yes. So then how does she get.
- [160:23]
A
There? I don't. I.
- [160:24]
B
Don'T. There's only one parent.
- [160:26]
A
Required. Something happened where I blame Whitney Houston with the fucking children, our future bullshit. Where we decided that you could just go in your boss's office and go, hey, Stan, next Tuesday from 11 to like 3, I'm not going to be around because my kids having a Thanksgiving pageant. Because in the past it'd be like, come here, let me put my cigarette out on your phone forehead right now. When I'm done with this Brandy, I'm gonna throw the snifter at your head. Get the back there. You don't need to be at some place where your kid traces his hand and makes a turkey out of crepe paper. Knock it off. Get back to your station. By the way, start your secretary. This is getting.
- [161:05]
B
Embarrassing. I've got to get me some.
- [161:07]
C
Kids. Mr. Mrs. Dubro, I feel about Your son.
- [161:11]
A
Guy. Yeah. Yeah. So now you're all expected to be everywhere for everything, or somehow you're gonna scar the kids. And they all have huge backpacks filled with. I don't know what the kids do. Yes. My kid can't stand up. He falls over on his back. He's like a turtle when he gets flipped over. And then he can't wait. The guys come around and ride him. A guy from one of those rescue. You know, the guys who clean pelicans and.
- [161:38]
B
Stuff.
- [161:39]
A
Right. But they come around and actually flip my son back over on to his feet. You know, he has to crawl on all fours. They all have backpacks. They're fucking 18 inches thick. They're in kindergarten. I don't know what's in that backpack. How'd it get so hefty? Like, what the hell's going on in that.
- [161:54]
B
Backpack? I don't know. I carried a very heavy. Sometimes it was a shoulder bag, sometimes a backpack, depending on the year and the trend. And there were a ton of books and then a ton of other stuff in there. But I can't imagine in kindergarten what could be in.
- [162:06]
A
There. Jimmy Kimmel was sent to school with a brief briefcase and was called Briefcase Joe because of it and still is not forgiven his mother, by the.
- [162:15]
B
Way. At what.
- [162:16]
A
Age? At that age where it hurts the most to be called Briefcase Joe. And I love the kids. Have no creativity whatsoever. They just look at you. Hey, Briefcase.
- [162:27]
B
Joe.
- [162:28]
A
Right. But that's it. You're fucked. Your Briefcase.
- [162:30]
B
Joe. At that point, I wonder if he's ever carried a.
- [162:33]
A
Briefcase. Since nobody's carried a lot other baggage.
- [162:35]
B
Emotions. Did you see the video of Miley Cyrus at her birthday party where she admits that she's a stoner and a.
- [162:43]
A
Pothead? Yeah, no, I saw.
- [162:45]
B
That. You did? Well, we're gonna see it.
- [162:46]
A
Again. Yeah. She got a Bob Marley.
- [162:48]
B
Cake.
- [162:48]
A
Yeah. She's starting to fade.
- [162:51]
B
Right? Well, here she is singing. Yes, she.
- [162:55]
A
Is. She got a panda.
- [163:07]
B
Bear. And then Kelly Osborne says, I thought salvia was your problem. And by the way, I think she said Bob Marley with a faux Jamaican accent, which I don't like this.
- [163:34]
A
Does. How come Kelly Osborne magically gets to be best friends with.
- [163:38]
B
Everybody? She really.
- [163:40]
A
Does. You know what I.
- [163:41]
B
Mean? Yes. She's like the Kim Kardashian to Paris Hilton way back when. Yeah, I don't.
- [163:47]
A
Know. Yeah, no, maybe she's a great friend. It's a weird. It's a weird thing. Thing. But if somebody told me that Kelly Osborne was my best friend of Mine, I'd be like, I. Yeah, I guess. I guess she has to be my. When Andy Rooney died, she was like, he was my best friend. Yeah. There's nobody who can pass away without her delivering the eulogy, her announcing this my best friend, her thing. How does that.
- [164:11]
B
Work? I bet on her resume and her skills.
- [164:16]
A
Friendship. No one. I don't think anyone has the balls. Like when she's coming up and giving you the cake to go, hey, bitch, off stage, we don't hang, right? You just go, fuck it, give me the Bob Marley.
- [164:25]
B
Cake. Mm. Well, she took to Twitter to defend Miley, saying, you guys, she probably didn't say it like that, but, you guys, if Miley Cyrus is not recording, filming, slash touring, she. She is works. Oh, Kelly. You guys, if Miley Cyrus is not recording, filming, touring, she works every day. How could she possibly do all that if she was a.
- [164:46]
A
Stoner? Think there's a lot of stoners that are pretty functional, right? Bob Marley did a lot of touring and recording and performing. The guy on the cake did performing and touring and recording.
- [165:00]
B
Stoned. It's.
- [165:01]
A
True. Yeah. Number.
- [165:03]
B
One. I kind of feel like if someone gives you a Bob Marley cake, though, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a stoner, just means you like bad.
- [165:08]
A
Music. I'm with you. But I think it does. I think. I think it's does. I don't.
- [165:13]
B
Know. I think she is.
- [165:14]
A
One. Is Miley Cyrus. Well, first off, what? Who gives a shit? I mean, doesn't every 19 year old smoke pot? And when are we gonna get over it? And then secondly, isn't she kind of done? She.
- [165:26]
B
Done. She gonna be done. I feel like I don't think she's having a great career right now, but I do think she can make a comeback. I think she has talent and she really speaks her.
- [165:34]
A
Mind. Does she have a good.
- [165:35]
B
Voice? Yeah, think. All right, Winter way.
- [165:39]
A
In. Has she made enough.
- [165:41]
E
Money? I don't know. I really don't follow Miley.
- [165:43]
B
Cyrus. You follow her.
- [165:45]
E
Dad? I don't follow her dad either, but yeah, I. I don't have a comment.
- [165:50]
A
Here. Yeah, all right. We don't like her. We're done with.
- [165:54]
C
Her. Was Kelly Osborne ever your best.
- [165:55]
A
Friend? You know, to Kelly.
- [165:57]
E
Osborne? Not yet.
- [165:58]
A
Anyway. All right. I don't like the British accent. Chicks who grow up, I know they grow up around the British accent, but they got to drop it because they grew up around their parents. But their parents were in Beverly Hills and they hung out more with their peers than they did with their Parents, and they should have the accent of the city that they're in. I mean, so here's the thing. If you grew up with parents that were English speaking or just had a, you know, from Philadelphia and you grew up in Britain, you would probably have a British accent if you grew up there right now. So I'm doing the reverse math here, right? You should have the accent of the country you live in. It's sort of obnoxious when you have that.
- [166:41]
B
Here. Well, it's like my dad says, wooda for water and orange. For.
- [166:45]
A
Orange. Donkey and donkey. Donkey for.
- [166:48]
B
Donkey. Yeah. And I don't say any of.
- [166:50]
A
Those.
- [166:50]
B
Yeah. Horrible for.
- [166:52]
A
Horrible. My favorite. I don't know, I think it was maybe was the late Great. I think it was Jimmy's Uncle Vinnie, cousin Sal's dad. I don't know why. It captured everything. He pronounced that Woody Allen movie. He said, you seen that? Hanner and her sisters, and it was perfect because you just took that R and the A and you did it.
- [167:19]
B
Perfectly. Vinnie, why Clef Jean, in his former chance charity Yele Hay Day Haiti, are facing new allegations that the majority of the money they raised for Haiti after the earthquake was misappropriated. Yele Haiti took in 16 million in 2010, according to.
- [167:33]
A
Records. Now, does he want to be king of Haiti? What's. What's he want to do with Haiti? He wants to run for something over.
- [167:39]
B
There. I think he wants to help them and take the. The money that is going to this.
- [167:45]
A
Charity. What is happening over in Haiti? What's the problem? What's going on? I feel like we're not doing enough judging. We need to start.
- [167:54]
B
Judging. Well, you could judge Wyclef Jean for this charity where only a small. Okay, so 5.1 million went to emergency relief efforts, but he took in 16 million. And then he's turning around. He's turning around and saying that that ratio is really not all that different than other charities, which, if that's true, that's a problem, I.
- [168:18]
C
Think. And shitty guys like this, though, right? Because I'm sure he's not doing the books. I'm sure he just wants to help Haiti and put his name on a charity and said, hey, you guys are doing a good thing, and what he thought, and, like, I'm putting a name on it, and we're gonna help each other. Next thing you know, they're cooking the books, and he's gone over the middle of.
- [168:34]
E
It. I agree. I mean, it's still 5.1.
- [168:35]
A
Million. Yeah, it's. It's 5.1 million more than they had before Wycliffe John got involved, but he's been involved with this Haiti thing for a long time. He was talking about running for Grand Poobah. It's unclear to me what you run for over there. Mr. Haiti 2012. And somebody decided he shouldn't. And there was some story about that. Like there was. Like, he should do this. And then somebody did a. Not so fast. He's not what's best for Haiti. But by the way, I feel like anything would be better for Haiti than whatever's going on in Haiti right now. So he's been involved with that for a long time. So I don't. Is the story here. I mean, do they. There's allegations, but they have.
- [169:25]
B
Proof? Well, yeah. I mean, a company called P and A Construction, which is owned by his brother in law, received almost 400,000. There's just all sorts of money. Went all sorts of places. Places like. And he. Including to.
- [169:38]
A
Him. Yeah. And so what do.
- [169:40]
B
We. Other companies and things like.
- [169:42]
A
That. And what's your pitch? Like we got to get Haiti back on its knees like it used to. I mean, what the fuck? I mean, I just. I want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with a lot of these nations and get to the bottom of it. Otherwise some of these places just seem like they're sort of perpetual black holes that money just goes down and nothing ever gets solved. And there's always starvation and famine and there's disease. And it's like I went in corruption. And then there's the people that do that same thing all the time where they go, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa. It's not the people. It's not the people. The people are great. It's the people in power. And my answer is always, what part of Canada do they come. Come from? Which is my dickish way of saying, aren't they Haitian? And what the fuck. I mean, we were in here and I was talking to some. I don't know which actor I was talking to is like from huarachi and Joel McHale. Joel McHale, originally from Huarachi by way of Prague and Karachi or something like that. And you know, talking about the whole Muslim thing, and he was saying, well, we get up at 5 and we pray and then we pray again at.
- [170:59]
B
7. Oh, yeah, it was.
- [171:01]
A
Khmer. Yeah, we pray again at noon. And then we, you know, we pray at three, and then we pray at six. And then I'm like, all right, so how's it going? Well, the village sucks. There's a lot of corruption. All the cops are on the take. And I said, geez, you're doing a lot of praying. There's a lot of in between prayers. There's a lot of shaking down citizens and grifting and, you know, bribes and all that. And it's like, yeah, that's the culture. And it's like, maybe we should do a little less praying and a little more organization with the police department. It's like, hey, you can't judge. It's not all the cops. And it's like, I think we should start judging. And yes, I know it's not all the cops. It's just way too many, right? It's. Something's going on. And I just want someone to get a fucking globe and start circling these little spots with a Sharpie and, and go, all right. All sane countries that seem to be running okay with trains and things like that, not a whole bunch of infant mortality and disease and all this fucking corruption and all this and, you know, throwing acid women's face for reading books and driving cars. Let's all just fucking get together and let's see if we can straighten out some of these countries. And I'm not talking about fucking Bono doing it, doing a benefit. I'm talking about cracking. I want to know what the fuck is going on in all these places. Is Haiti just gonna be Haiti for what our grandkids are gonna be talking about a shitbox Haiti? Is. Is that the plan? Dropping off more seeds over there? What are we gonna do? What's.
- [172:31]
B
Up? I don't know what Haiti plans to do with their future, but I do think the earthquake fucked them up more than they were already fucked up. All right, so speaking of crime, shoplifting. Have some stats on.
- [172:43]
A
Shoplifting. Is that still going.
- [172:45]
B
On? It is, I feel so is it 1 in every 11 people who walk through the door of a store will walk out with at least one item he or she didn't pay for. And I don't think it's by.
- [172:55]
A
Accident. One in 11, according to this story, that's one of those. Like one in three women will be raped over a lifetime. But that's not.
- [173:04]
B
Rape. Rape with a stolen.
- [173:05]
A
Piece. That's drunken husband rolling over you. Rape. You know that. I'm not counting that. Okay, this is you eating a couple of grapes in the produce section and walking out. That ain't. They're counting.
- [173:16]
B
That. What about if it's a couple yogurt covered pretzels from those.
- [173:19]
A
Bins? If they're gonna put Them in the.
- [173:21]
B
Bins? Well, that's the thing. They. They expect shrinkage when you get.
- [173:25]
A
The scoop with the chain on it. Oh, yeah, you're asking for trouble.
- [173:29]
B
In the lucite bin or tongs with the chain on.
- [173:31]
A
Them. Tongs with the chain.
- [173:33]
B
Yeah.
- [173:34]
A
Yeah. Well, how are you gonna know if you like the pretzel or not or the yogurt if you don't, you.
- [173:38]
B
Know?
- [173:38]
A
Right. You know, pop a couple of them in the. In the soup cooler. You gotta try it.
- [173:42]
B
Out. What if you're thing was stealing scoops and tongs? No wonder they have.
- [173:47]
A
Chain. Chain.
- [173:48]
B
Down. Well, retailers are likely to lose 111. No, sorry. $119 billion to shoplifters this.
- [173:55]
A
Year. You know who pays for that? One guy named stan. Horribly.
- [174:00]
B
Unlucky. 3% of shoplifters are professionals. Who will fence. I've developed a speech.
- [174:06]
A
Impediment. He's.
- [174:07]
B
Professor.
- [174:10]
A
No. Yeah, you're not gonna get laid with.
- [174:12]
C
That. His tax is not too complicated, by the.
- [174:14]
A
Way. He. When he's trying to get laid at the bar, he upgrades to international jewel.
- [174:19]
B
Fee. He's like, I'm sure you're familiar with heists, are you.
- [174:24]
A
Not? Yes. Are you.
- [174:25]
B
Not? I'm the king of the.
- [174:26]
A
Heist. Yeah. You see this park I'm wearing? There's one underneath it, and I got it for.
- [174:31]
B
Free. See this briefcase? It's either filled with single bills or someone else's.
- [174:35]
A
Underwear. Yeah, I haven't worked my way up to international jewel thief. I'm regional. I work at Glendale, Eagle Rock area. But I'm looking to.
- [174:44]
C
Expand. It's my.
- [174:45]
A
Circuit. Yeah, we're moving out toward the Reseda area soon, and before you know it, I'm going.
- [174:52]
B
International. Three quarters of shoplifters aren't even troubled teens. They're adults. Most. Most with jobs. And 35% of lost losses will happen with the help of a corrupt employee. This explains why during my youth when I worked at Sam Goody, they used to like, really check you over before you left the.
- [175:11]
A
Store. When I had my buddy Chris, he worked at snacks Fifth Avenue, and.
- [175:16]
B
I couldn't get a real.
- [175:17]
A
Place. It was hell. Yeah, it was. Get myself a nice soft pretzel from him. When he worked the cart, did.
- [175:24]
B
You have to carry it out in your.
- [175:25]
A
Pants? I would, I would. I would go. I was so desperate. He worked at the, like, Sherman Oaks Mall or something. And every once in a while he'd have the cart. You know, whenever you had the cart, he'd be away from the home base. So the manager wouldn't be there. Go get one of those oversized chocolate chip cookies from it. Snacks with. So I had a man on the.
- [175:48]
B
Inside. That's.
- [175:49]
A
Right. See, this week you're part of the.
- [175:52]
D
Catch. An international jewel.
- [175:54]
A
Thief. She's going to have to.
- [175:56]
B
Become. Here are the top.
- [175:58]
A
Rapist. Thank.
- [175:59]
B
You. Top 10 things that are shoplifted. And I'll do this fast. Yeah, well, I feel like we're pressed for.
- [176:05]
A
Time. Ah, we're.
- [176:05]
B
Good. Okay. Filet mignon. Luxury.
- [176:08]
A
Meats. Filet mignon, yes. Mmm. How do you steal.
- [176:12]
B
Meat? Yeah, I don't know, but meat just walks right out of stores. Just flies out of stores. I don't think you shove it.
- [176:20]
A
In your pocket, but behind that glass case with that old guy is missing a thumb working there, Right. Like, what do you do with him? Oh, oh. You wanna know how you steal that? Oh. Because I used to shoplift this way all the time. No, I'm not kidding. I used to steal stuff. I would go down to the Gelsons in like, Studio City, North Hollywood area. And then you go to the back in the day, the back is where like the meats and the deli and the stuff was. And you'd go, oh, give me a turkey leg. And they'd give you a turkey leg. And they'd wrap it up and they'd like weigh it and they'd put a price tag on it and that. You don't pay for it there. You pay for it in front. Somewhere between that back counter and the front, that turkey leg. You know, you walk out there. Yeah. Stop by.
- [177:08]
B
The. Did you. Wait, you actually did this.
- [177:10]
A
Though? Oh.
- [177:11]
B
Yeah. And it was specifically turkey.
- [177:12]
A
Legs. I did steal turkey.
- [177:14]
B
Legs. I don't know if that's considered a luxury.
- [177:16]
A
Meat. I had low self esteem. I didn't want to go filet mignon. I had to go see something that was cooked. It's fucking starving. But yeah. So you go to the back of the store, get your meat, they'd wrap it up, weigh it, give it to you, and then somewhere between the back of the store and the front of the store, it slides down the front of your.
- [177:33]
C
Pants. Knows a better way to do that for those.
- [177:36]
A
Shoplifters. Listening tips for.
- [177:38]
C
Shoplifters. Yeah, the same way you said, I get the meat and they wrap it and they sticker and everything. All you do is for some smaller items, maybe some razor blades or whatever it is you want to take, and you simply undo the stickers, open the flap, slip it in there, redo it. Don't Ever tell a.
- [177:52]
B
Difference? Wait, you stick your razors in your.
- [177:55]
C
Meat. It's wrapped up pretty good. You're not me touching the meat, but still, it's not gonna de. Sterilize.
- [178:00]
A
It. So you put the, put the higher, put some smaller, higher priced item in with the filet.
- [178:07]
C
Mignon. You can't get away with another steak. But yeah, if you get a smaller, higher price.
- [178:10]
B
Item. What if I completely miss misunderstood what you said and I'm like, why are you buying hairspray that has a steak stuck in it out the side? So high priced meats, expensive liquors, electric tools. The DIY category, specifically, like electric toothbrushes or power tools or plug in.
- [178:30]
A
Tools. That's a big ticket item, man. That's tough to get in and out with.
- [178:36]
B
That. I know. Especially since they're all wrapped in the way that you hate, which is you can't break into.
- [178:40]
A
Those. They come in those plastic cases and the handle is sort of zip tied shut. And it's like take a little bit of work to get at.
- [178:47]
B
That. I know. I'm just. The way they figured this out was they asked stores, you know, what are the items that you're losing? So the iPhone4 or other electronic gadgets, specifically Apple Gillette, Mach 4 razor.
- [179:03]
A
Blades, the fucking razor make a lot.
- [179:04]
B
On the resale market because they're.
- [179:06]
A
Expensive. My God. Well, first off, how does this work? Like you're going into the fucking Rite Aid and there's a guy in a primered van. Hey, buddy.
- [179:16]
B
Yeah. Hey, beard.
- [179:17]
A
Guy. What are you going in for? Gonna get six pack and some cigarettes. Buying razors. Yeah, what do you got? Gillette, man. Yeah, Come out to the van. Really? I'm gonna save $4 this way by going with some weirdo do an alley and a.
- [179:33]
B
Van. I don't think you have to get into a car with someone. I don't think you have to drive around. If you check online auction sites, you'll see a tremendous number of people trying to sell razor.
- [179:42]
A
Blades. You know, the, the, the Rite Aid in Studio City has this thing that when you lift the flap of the Lucite door where the razor cartridges are, it goes beep, beep, beep. It's like a truck's backing up. And then there's a weird panic mode where it's like, I gotta grab for something before it. It lets.
- [180:02]
C
Every. Oh, I'm surprised you mean lift it. Usually you have to get the guy out the.
- [180:05]
A
Key. There's only for con. First they did the guy with the key and then they did A thing where there's an actual alarm that goes off. And I look at that, and then I look at the. The barbed wire around the freeway signs, and I go, we're done. This is done. Our society's fucking.
- [180:21]
B
Shit. We got at least.
- [180:23]
A
Shaving. I'm moving to Prague. I'm gonna drop some.
- [180:26]
B
Max. They just give razor blades away there, right? Right.
- [180:29]
A
Yeah. I'm gonna make a snow angle cheaper than.
- [180:31]
E
Here. I mean, they're a ripoff. They really.
- [180:33]
A
Are. Yeah, they're expensive. They're super expensive. And they're always out of the one I want, so I gotta buy the new one and the new handle that goes along with it. And I swear to God, me and my assistant Jay stared at my one with the handle and the thing like a monkey for an hour there. They can't get it. I can build a house. Cannot get it to fit. Don't know. Brought the handle in, brought the thing. Bought the one that coincided. Ah, fuck. All right.
- [180:58]
B
Anyway. Axe Body.
- [180:59]
A
Spray.
- [181:00]
B
Really? I, too, was surprised. Dial is a close.
- [181:03]
A
Second. That is the greatest story I have ever heard. Danny smelled like Axe. Axe Body.
- [181:09]
B
Spray. Yeah, I.
- [181:11]
A
Know. Well, why would you even steal it? Why don't you just apply it when you're in the.
- [181:15]
B
Store? Well, maybe you don't want to have to go to the store on your way to every hot date you're headed.
- [181:19]
A
To. Maybe. Right. But it's not like someone's gonna accuse you of smelling more like Axe on your way. Way out. You didn't smell that much like Axe on your way.
- [181:27]
B
In. Mind if I sniff.
- [181:28]
A
You?
- [181:28]
B
Yes. And see your receipt? Polo, Ralph Lauren and other designer apparel. Let's rock. Elmo Chanel, Number five. Lower on the list than Axe Bodies.
- [181:39]
A
Right? What the hell kind of parents must you.
- [181:41]
B
Be? And then Nikes and other athletic shoes. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sit.
- [181:47]
A
Bitcoin. That was the news with Allison Rose. Oh, love me some discount. America's Tire. Winter tires, everybody. I'm getting some slicks from these guys. I am excited. You? It's cold out there out here. It ain't. Ain't cold.
- [182:05]
C
No. Far from.
- [182:06]
A
It. Far from it. But where you're listening, it's cold. And you got to get yourself some winter tires. And they're in stock now, not just for snow. They grip the road better than all season tires. And weather conditions. 45 degrees and below. That is where you are right now. Remember you putting your family in that car? People, let's be practical. Tires, man, that's Your contact with the road. And let's face it, you're not gonna go from a tsunami or an earthquake. You're gonna go probably going on the road. Let's be safe. Let's get those tires. I'm not wishing it upon you, but I have checked your biorhythm wheel and it's not looking good for your car wheel. Yeah, it's another kind of wheel. Focus on a car wheel, everybody. Discount in America's tire. Let's be safe. Let's drive with confidence all winter long. Get your winter tires today at discount in America's tire. These guys are great guys, great sponsors. Sponsor my race car and love these guys. So let's show them a little love. And speaking of love, how about mangrate? That's right, mangrate. I don't even have the copy in front of me. I know it's $19.99. I know it's the best goddamn gift you could get. Look at that. Detroit Iron. 100% cast iron, 100% made in America. You go to AdamCarola.com and you click on the man great banner and we're going to throw in the brush and it has my logo burnt into it. Great guy, great company. One of the first folks on board here and just a great gift. You cannot be disappointed with your mangrate and Amazon. What can I say? You know the drill, people. Go to amcroll.com hit the, hit the link. We're loving it. Love, love, loving it. And we're building out the studios and we're adding. You guys don't know about this, but I got some great names coming on board here. Big names coming on board to bring you guys more entertainment. And part of the reason we can do that is because you go through AdamCroll.com when you buy off Amazon. So. God, that guy sounds hot. And thank you. Yeah, Norm should be coming around looking. Probably got something going with Jay Moore. Penn Jillette's looking good. Dr. Drew and me maybe getting together again, we got some good potential.
- [184:17]
D
Stuff. Dr. Drew in the.
- [184:18]
A
Hisy. Nothing carved in stone. A couple carved in stone, others in soap. But do not worry, carved in axe body spray. Coming soon. Thank you so much so much. Winter, thank you so much for coming.
- [184:31]
D
In. Thank.
- [184:32]
A
You. By the way, last the finale. By the way, Tuesday, December 6th of Sons of Anarchy. Tuesdays, 10 o' clock FX. You can go to fxnetworks.com SOA that would be Sons of Anarchy. So until next time, this is Adam Kroll, Bryant Winter Zoli and Allison Rosen saying Mahalo Listen, I enjoy the company of 9, 10 and 11 year olds. And yes, we make forts in my bed. And yes, we shower together. And yes, we'll cuddle. That was adam Krull show 7 11. That does it for today's Kool Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it.