Christopher Titus + Bobby Collins (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Christopher Titus + Bobby Collins (Carolla Classics)

Podcast Date: October 11, 2025
Guests: Christopher Titus, Bobby Collins
Featuring: Adam Carolla, Allison Rosen, Brian “Bald Brian” Bishop
Clips from 2011 episodes: Shows #715 and #720

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Overview

This Carolla Classics episode features highlights from two 2011 shows: one with veteran comic Bobby Collins and another with stand-up star Christopher Titus. Adam, Allison, and Brian revisit heady topics ranging from cultural attitudes, celebrity anecdotes, health battles, and rants on everything from traffic laws to TV and music. The tone is Carolla’s signature blend of exasperated rationalism, humor, and candid, free-ranging discussion, with plenty of sharp asides from Titus and Collins, plus intimate moments about personal health and loss.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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Media Bias, Politics, and Public Rants (00:46–15:58)

• Adam on Media Slant
  Adam opens with a pointed complaint about being questioned over associations with right-wing figures but never over left-wing connections, noting media double standards.

  • "I've been asked, am I worried about being connected with right wing whoever…a thousand times, no media members ever asked me about being too left wing…" (01:50, Adam Carolla)

• Hate Mail Over Politics
  Brian shares experiences receiving right-wing hate mail when being vocal about liberal ideas, but no comparable vitriol from the left for conservative remarks. Adam offers a metaphor about taxes and public services, riffing on paying the equivalent of “schoolteachers” through taxes and the lack of corresponding additional services.

Memorable Aside (05:19–05:56)

"Adam Carolla: There’d be no jury in the world [that] would think I should pay for 51…worth of taxes. But that does piss people off… I think they're all fuckups and greedy and they're all a mess and they're mostly sociopaths."

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Car Rants & Speed Limits (08:21–18:51)

• Adam launches into a rant about driving up to Sacramento, acquiring a Porsche Panamera, and frustrations with traffic laws.

  • "This car is so packed with technology, it'd really be like if somebody said, we've got to set a speed limit for biplanes—well, I got a jet—and they went, I don't care, that's the speed limit." (13:25, Adam Carolla)

• On Radar Detectors:
  The crew jokes about the dubious value of radar detectors and storytell about parents’ nervous habits in cars.

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Environmental Tangent: Leaf Blowers vs. Trucks (19:10–24:36)

• Discussion about emissions from leaf blowers versus large trucks, highlighting the inefficiency and pollution caused by outdated lawn equipment.

  • "A Ryobi four-stroke leaf blower kicked out almost seven times more oxides of nitrogen and 13.5 times more carbon monoxide than the [Ford] Raptor." (21:53, Brian Bishop)

• Adam complains about society’s selectiveness in environmental policing—“berserk over smoking, no problem with leaf blowers”—and suggests noise, air quality, and health all suffer from inaction.

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Showbiz & Comedy: Bobby Collins Interview (44:08–62:09)

From Calvin Klein to Stand-Up

• Bobby shares his story of leaving a corporate VP job to pursue comedy, with Adam and the gang marveling at the rise of Calvin Klein’s business.

  • "The masses were the asses. Play it to them. That’s how they [marketed it]." (46:01, Bobby Collins)

• Collins recounts opening for music icons like Cher, Julio Iglesias, and Dolly Parton, sharing backstage stories and comic material strategies for big crowd performances.

  • On opening for Cher: "You could be clever, but you can’t be crude—because they’re judging her." (53:21, Bobby Collins)

Cruise Ship Comedy

• Bobby details the luxurious gig of working cruise ships: performing two nights during a week lounging as a guest.
  • "You're on the ship for seven days? How many nights do you perform? Bobby Collins: Two. Adam Carolla: This is where the dick’s coming out… You’re getting paid to go on a cruise." (58:50–59:17)

Reflections on Comedy Writing & Touring

• Collins emphasizes the importance of regularly testing new material, not just relying on “hits,” even in big venues.
• Anecdotes about touring culture, showbiz rivalries, and generational differences in celebrity and showmanship.

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Health, Friendship, and Loss (83:13–104:35)

Updates from Brian Bishop & Allison Rosen

• Brian provides a candid update on living with a brain tumor, discussing the realities of treatment and ongoing monitoring.

  • "…I’ll never be in the clear, so to speak… but I feel great. I’m doing great, and you know, it’s all I can sort of hope for." (84:44, Brian Bishop)

• Allison shares her experience with ovarian cysts and the anxiety of testing and surgery, delving into the dark humor that sometimes accompanies medical ordeals.

Adam on Loss & Grief

• Adam shares an emotional story about his friend Philip the Juggler, a performer and companion from his pre-showbiz days who has been struck by severe dementia.

  • "He was such a life force… and now it’s like he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t walk, he doesn’t do anything. He’s… a vegetable basically." (99:02, Adam Carolla)

• The conversation is deeply personal, with nods to acceptance, gratitude, and the unpredictability of life’s hardships.

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Risk, Comedy, and Cancel Culture: Christopher Titus Segment (131:50–141:49)

• Titus discusses the fallout from an onstage joke about reserving space on the grassy knoll if Sarah Palin became president. This led to right-wing outrage, O’Reilly’s “pinhead” label, and hundreds of death threats.

  • "If you walked into a building that says 'comedy' on the outside and you paid money, we get a fucking pass… If you had any concern, Tracy Morgan’s half insane!" (133:06, Christopher Titus)

• Both comics vent about cancel culture and people feigning outrage—suggesting critics use jokes as opportunistic leverage rather than expressing real offense.

• On media polarization: Titus cycles between MSNBC and Fox, critiquing both for their bias and bombast.

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Societal Rifts, Work Ethic, and Money Resentment (141:49–117:44)

• Adam and Titus debate American economic frustrations, including the decline in manufacturing, the struggles of unionized labor, and misplaced resentment toward wealthy or successful individuals.

  • "What’s the problem with being rich? And why do rich people have to pretend like they’re not rich?" (110:12, Adam Carolla)
  • "The biggest trick the Republicans played is telling the roofer that because the billionaire pays 2% more tax, he’s going to lose his job. The biggest trick the Democrats played was to believe you need government to make it okay." (146:40, Christopher Titus)

• Adam rails against the hypocrisy of “American Dream” narratives fueling economic mobility, only to now generate envy and shame for those who succeed.

• Titus shares the grim realities of his divorce, false accusations, and legal battles, weaving in absurdist humor and lessons about self-reliance.

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Pop Culture, TV, and Social Trends (63:41–76:57; 70:04–76:51)

• The hosts review a survey of TV shows preferred by Democrats versus Republicans, riffing on the cultural and political cues embedded in show choices.

  • "She’s one of—she’s a super smart, B. Super hot. Right there. I’m done. I’m done." (73:08, Adam Carolla on TV crime drama tropes)

• Tweet-seats debate: Adam and Bobby banter about the rise of “tweet seats” for live-tweeting at theater shows, grumbling about digital distraction’s impact on live performance.

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Riffs & Observational Comedy (misc. timestamps)

• On Airport Security: Adam and the crew lampoon TSA procedures, the "sing-songy" agents, and American culture’s obsession with rights and self-victimization.

  • "We need to call the herd some time… Just shut the fuck up and die already. That’s all I’m saying." (156:12, Christopher Titus & Adam Carolla)

• Tuba Thefts & Banda Music (165:25–172:17)
  Segues into the absurd, after news of tuba thefts to supply banda groups:

  • _"This fucking music hurts my skin..." (166:17, Adam)
  • "It's making me hate my dick." (171:51, Christopher Titus)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

Adam on Cultural Double Standards (01:50)

"No media members ever asked me about being too left wing…That's a little clue into the universe that they're living in." —Adam Carolla

On The Oddity of Modern Laws (13:25)

"It'd be like if somebody said, 'Hey, we have to set a speed limit for biplanes.' And then you go, 'Well, I got a jet.' And they went, 'I don't care.'" —Adam Carolla

On Grief and Appreciation (102:35)

"She’s just like, ‘I’m so thankful he came into my life’ … What a woman. … We all should adopt that." —Adam Carolla (about Philip’s wife Susan)

On Cancel Culture in Comedy (133:06)

"If you walked into a building that says comedy on the outside and you paid money, we get a fucking pass." —Christopher Titus

On Political & Economic Manipulation (146:40)

"The biggest trick the Republicans played is … the billionaire pays 2% more tax, [the roofer's] going to lose his job. The biggest trick the Democrats played was to believe you need government to make it okay." —Christopher Titus

On Drive & Entitlement (142:57)

"...if you've been working for GM for 20 years ... and the only thing I’m qualified to do is work fast food, that’s kind of where you’re at..." —Adam Carolla

On Social Media & Live Events (64:14)

"You're such heroes. You're just like the guys who went in the buildings on 9/11 because you came up with some folding chairs." —Adam Carolla (on theaters’ “tweet seats”)

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Timestamp Guide to Featured Segments

• 00:46–15:58: Media double standards, social media hate, taxes as “schoolteachers”
• 08:21–18:06: Porsche Panamera road trip and car/speed limit rants
• 19:10–24:36: Leaf blowers, pollution, emissions story
• 44:08–62:09: Interview with Bobby Collins: Calvin Klein to comedy, touring, cruise ship work
• 83:00–104:35: Brian’s tumor and Allison’s health update; Adam’s loss of friend
• 131:50–141:49: Christopher Titus on cancel culture, Fox News/O’Reilly feud, threats over Sarah Palin joke
• 146:40–149:00: Debate on wealth, government, and economic opportunity
• 165:25–172:17: Laughing at tuba thefts, cultural music gripes, and “bandas”
• 172:17–176:43: Wrapping up, summary of the show’s tone and comedic outlook

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Overall Tone & Final Thoughts

This episode is packed with sharp observations, raw humor, and fierce, sometimes heartfelt, candor about life’s ironies—whether in public discourse, personal triumph and pain, or the absurdities of daily living. Adam never misses an opportunity to expose hypocrisy or champion individual initiative, while Allison and Brian add perspective, empathy, and wit. Bobby Collins and Christopher Titus prove rich guests, sharing both backstage laughs and unfiltered truths.

Carolla’s no-holds-barred style is on full display—pleased to call out left and right, comfortable pivoting from lowbrow jokes to deep reflections on mortality and meaning. The episode is classic Carolla: abrasive, funny, biting, occasionally tender, and always ready to riff.

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Listeners get raw honesty, legendary rants, backstage comedy tales, and a vivid portrait of American cultural anxiety as seen through the sharpest minds and tongues in the comedy world.

Transcript

[Christopher Titus]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Christopher Titus]

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[Adam Carolla]

Go with Workday Go. Welcome to Coral Classics.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics available exclusively through Podcast one.

[Allison Rosen]

Sign up today for ad free archives of this program. And if you'd like to get ad.

[Adam Carolla]

Free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or just access the exclusive brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check.

[Allison Rosen]

Out Adam Carolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if.

[Adam Carolla]

You'D like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcarolla.com let's get to the clips coming. First we have Adam Crolla Show 715.

[Allison Rosen]

Featuring Bobby Collins, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was doing a good day. Bald Brian, don't act like you're not impressed. Allison Rosen, hello, Adam. I hate I gotta keep defending myself, but I was doing an interview today with this chick from like, Sacramento, and she's like, aren't you worried about the stigma of Glenn Beck? And I get this a lot. Like, aren't you worried about being associated with the right? And I said, how come when Alec Baldwin announces we're good buddies and he comes on the show, nobody interviews me and goes, aren't you worried about being connected to the left that doesn't exist? And she's like, well. And I said, the reason you're asking that is because the media slanted toward the left. And all of you think that way. You can't help but the way you think, see, if I go, hey, me and Alec Baldwin are good buddies. And he calls in and we hang out, you think, cool. And if somebody says, hey, Glenn Beck was calling you a genius the other day, you go, ooh, to be fair, aren't you worried?

[Brian Bishop]

The interview was with Left wing Think Tank Daily, Sacramento's left wing Think tank Daily.

[Adam Carolla]

She had no answer to that. That. But yes, it is weird.

[Bobby Collins]

It's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

And it just kind of. I know we get in this argument, like, which way is the media slanted? I'll tell you this I don't know which way the media slanted. I will tell you, I've been asked, am I worried about being connected with right wing whoever or being too right wing? A thousand times, no media members ever asked me about being too left wing. When I talk about pot and abortion in gay marriage or something like that, that's a little clue into the universe that they're living in.

[Brian Bishop]

Here is something I have noticed. When I say something vaguely liberal, I get vicious, vicious right wing tweets like threatening harm to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like what? Give me like an example.

[Brian Bishop]

We should send you to Egypt to be raped.

[Adam Carolla]

I am this close to raping you.

[Brian Bishop]

Because I had brought up the Elizabeth Hasselbeck Bill Maher thing.

[Adam Carolla]

The right wingers came after you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. However, when I say something vaguely conservative, I don't get vicious tweets from liberals.

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm. So I don't fire you and burn down your friggin ass. Well, maybe it's just what they want you to be or expect you to be. Maybe I never get any. I never get anything from the right. I only get shit from the left. But maybe that's my listeners, right? You know what I mean? I think they're probably more left leaning.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder if you were to say something. So if you say something that skews liberal, you don't get any. People aren't trying to tell you to go get rich.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I never get that. I only get it if I make one of my comments that sounds insane. Like where I go, well, each year I pay the equivalent to 48 school teachers in taxes. Like what 48 individual school teachers individually would pay. I pay as one person. We get the exact same benefits. And you're saying to me you want me to pay the equivalent of 51 school teachers. I think I can make a pretty good argument as to why I should pay for only 45 worth of school teachers in taxes in one tax year. And then I get the hate mail, oh, you rich guy. I don't think you pay. I'm just saying I'm paying for 48 worth of schoolteachers. You want me at 51, I don't get an extra thing. This would be a very interesting argument if we just went into a court of law and you sat down and you would explain to the unbiased judge why I should go from 48 schoolteachers to 51. And then I could easily make the argument to get from 48 down to 45 by simply explaining I get no extra anything from the people that I'm giving the money to. Except for a little bit of the stink eye when I'm explaining this particular.

[Brian Bishop]

As you're explaining it, I'm imagining a bunch of chairs with 51 school teachers and then it just has 48 and then has 45. It'd be nice, I feel like, to illustrate this in the court. You should have that many school teachers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to get. Yeah, it'd be nice. All right, one of me, there's them. And then I'll draw the amount of road that one of them paves each year, which is less than three inches. And then we'd show my fucking eight miles of road that I pave every year through my taxes or whatever it is. And then it'd be an open and shut case. We'd all leave. It'd be the easiest case in the world. There'd be no jury in the world.

[Brian Bishop]

They wouldn't get very far. 3 inches of road, that would think.

[Adam Carolla]

I should pay for 51 or worth the 51 worth of taxes. All right. But that does piss people off, and I understand it. The thing that's different about me is I grew up around this shit and this rhetoric. And that's why I'm not buying into it now. Also, as I've said a million times, the government. Look, if I thought the fucking money was going somewhere useful, I'd give you all that I had. But I don't trust these guys either side of the aisle. I think they're all fuck ups and greedy and they're all a mess and they mostly sociopaths. The other thing I want to talk about as it pertains to the government, pull up a Porsche Panamera, please. Now, I had to go to Amazon today, click through our website so we could get a little love. But to buy a Porsche, I actually had my assistant do this. No, I had to buy a radar detector today because I got this Porsche Panamera. Now, I did not get it. I talked to my friend Matt d', Andrea, who I do the car cast with. And I said, matt, talk to the good friends over, our friends over at Porsche. Because last time I saw Joel McHale, he pulled up in one and I said, where the hell did you get that? And he said, they're letting me drive it. So I said, I gotta make a run to Sacramento. And I'm driving. Cause I'm fucking tired of the airports. I'm tired, I'm rung out. I realized in the last four or five days I did lax, then I flew LAX to Philly. And then I was back in Philly airport the next morning and I flew to Detroit. And then I was back in the Detroit airport the next morning and I flew to Chicago and then back in the Chicago airport the next morning to Denver, back in Denver and then Back to Burbank. 10 Airport 10. Take the shoes off 10. Sir, what I need you to do for me, okay right now is to go ahead 10 with the shoes and the belts and the things. Also passing all the signs that said kids under 12 do not need to remove their shoes. As I've said, I'm not clairvoyant. I just notice things that are wrong earlier than other people. Six months ago when we were in Hawaii, I was saying what the fuck is my 5 year old daughter kicking off her flip flops for? To get through security in the Maui airport.

[Brian Bishop]

And you're just keenly critical.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm keenly critical. That's right. That skirt could use an ironing, sweet pea. Anyway, so great 70s accent stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, Keen Lee Curtickle.

[Adam Carolla]

And you are missing some scalp polish, mister.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I told Matt, Matt, we're making a run. We're going Fresno and Sacramento and it's me, August and Mike lynch and fuck it, we ain't flying, we're driving all the way through. We'll stay one night in Sacramento and we'll fly out and I mean we'll drive out the next day. And I said a cool car to do this would be cool. So I got a Porsche Panamera and this is a beautiful, beautiful, just Autobahn, just pussy. Pure, pure German pussy. And this car, I want to see some.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see some stats on this car. That's my point. And I know there's different versions. Give me the S. I'll take the S. Now the reason I got a radar detector is because when I finished a show in Sacramento at, let's see, we'll do an 8 o' clock show, finish about 9:45, sign some books, take some pictures, pack up some God knows what and we'll be in the car, if we're lucky, at 11 we're driving it and we got about a six hour drive. Now we're going to be on the Grapevine and, and it's gonna be Saturday night at 11 o' clock at night and the fucking place is gonna be empty. This car has massive brakes and all the safety and innovation from the xenon headlights to the 12 airbags in it to the crumple zones. But just the speed rated tires and the speed sensitive steering, like it'd be.

[Brian Bishop]

An insult to the car to go.

[Adam Carolla]

The speed limit.65 in this car does not feel like anything. I mean, I've said it a million times. When you're in a Lear Jet and you're going 550 miles an hour, you're standing around eating finger food and fingering up, I mean, and drinking a cocktail and it's nothing. It's nothing. You're going 550, it's nothing. When you're a shopping cart and you're going 11 miles an hour, you're. You're one of the jackass boys. When you're in my mom's VW square back from my childhood and you're going 55 and you're fucking white knuckling it with the drum breaks and the retreads. This is nothing at 65 and I'm going to be driving the fuck home on the grapevine. And the grapevine is crawling with cops. And they do this new thing now where they hit you with radar when they're coming at you so you don't see them behind you and you don't slow. Slowing down, going under the overpass doesn't do it anymore. They come at you. And when they're coming at you at 80 miles an hour and they're way the fuck down the road and you're coming at them, your combined speed is 160 miles an hour. They get you. And then they do my favorite move, which is they go across the median and then they burn out a little and get a little bit squirrely coming out of it and kick some gravel and shit onto the highway. And then they hust, then they floor it and they catch up to you and then they explain to you why what you were doing was dangerous. That's what I love. So I need a fucking radar detector because I cannot take this autobahn cruiser that's safe at 110 past 65 or 70 or I'm going to get a chicken shit ticket. And by the goddamn way, I could shave two fucking hours off this night's commute. Two fucking hours if I could lay my foot into it. Now the car's safe at 155 miles an hour. I'm only asking to go 90. I'll still shave two fucking hours. And by the way, I just got done doing a show and paying a shitload in taxes. Filled up, used the gas, drove through the Mickey D's and we're spending a lot of money here. Can we get a fucking pass at Mickey D's? You don't go with Mike Goggins. He's a McNugget Hound.

[Allison Rosen]

The nice Mickey D's, not the roadside Mickey.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

In the mall.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. Can I make this point? If the posted speed limit is 65 miles an hour, but you're in a fog bank and you're going 65 miles an hour, you will get a ticket for driving at an unsafe rate of speed. Sure, it could be 65, but it's pouring outside and it's foggy and you're going 65, and that's unsafe. How about I use your same argument against you, which is there's nobody on the highway, it's a clear night, and I'm driving a fucking piece of precision German pussy. How about I go 90? I'm sure. Oh, oh, they're always open to that. So we're gonna have to fucking crawl home because we take all our fucking tax dollars and dump them into fucking buying new cruisers and new pussies with fucking radar detectors with an antiquated speed limit.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of cars eat more pillar pussies in this scenario.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Even the German one.

[Adam Carolla]

This car is so packed with technology, it'd really be like if somebody said, hey, we have to set a speed limit for biplanes. And then you go, well, I got a jet. And they went, I don't care. That's what the speed limit is. The same one that Charlie Brown and the Red Baron were flying around in up with Camel. Yeah, that's the same speed. Yeah. Canvas or aluminum doesn't matter to us. Radial engine or GE turbine engine don't matter us.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like professional driver or someone who just got their license.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Speed it up and it should all just basically be on a curve. Like how fast you. It's not how fast you going. How safe right is to travel. You can get. You can be under the speed limit but be texting. Well, why. Why do you get a ticket? Well, it's unsafe. You're distracted. So I'm at 10. At 10 and 2. I only have three and a half Miller Lights in me from the show, and I'm driving a German car at Big Macs. So now I have to get a fucking radar detector and see if we could thwart this fucking scourge.

[Brian Bishop]

Why does your German pussy not come with a radar detector?

[Adam Carolla]

I not sure if it's legal. They're not legal. In all states, I do not believe. And to those who are like, they're illegal in California. Yeah, well, fuck. Fuck you, Schwarzenegger. Because if you guys are gonna come out with all your fucking radar shit, this is basically the cold war taking place on a dashboard. Good stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

What's a compression ratio?

[Adam Carolla]

What is a compression ratio? Oh, yeah, and this is 12 and a half to one. It's how much compression is being made inside of the cylinder when the piston makes its stroke. The higher the compression ratio, usually the more horsepower an engine's going to produce. When they do like turbocharged and supercharged engines, they lower the ratio a little bit because they dump more of that in terms of boost into the cylinder. And it used to be that 12.5 to 1 would be too high and it would ping. You'd get premature detonation. But you don't get that anymore because they've worked out the mapping on the computer and they retard the timing and advance the timing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But this car hauls ass and I would love to haul ass. And again, leaving at 11, there's a big difference to me whether you get home at 3am or 5:30. Yes, that's a fucking long haul. And I'd love on an open.

[Brian Bishop]

How do you make an Airbnb? A vrbo. Picture a vacation rental with a host. The host is dragging your family on a tour of the kitchen, the bathroom, the upstairs bathroom, the downstairs bedroom, and the TV room, which, surprise, is where you can watch tv. Now imagine there's no host giving you a tour because there's never any hosts at all, ever. Voila. You've got yourself a vrbo. Want a vacation that's completely and totally host free?

[Adam Carolla]

Make it a VRBO desolate highway just to do what the car could safely do. But that would be impossible because we have one law and it's down at the lowest common denominator. Common denominator. And obviously it slants toward the lawman. And the money and fucking tickets, they ain't 80 bucks, they're 300 and something bucks. And they hide behind that fucking bullshit excuse of hey man, we have to make it high to prevent people from doing this. Well, you're right. Now tickets as fast as you can fucking write. It's not preventing shit. You're just raping the people that pay your fucking salaries. There should be a goddamn uprising against this. I mean, anyone who gets a fucking ticket on that grapevine who wasn't doing anything unsafe should fight that shit. As a matter of fact, everyone who gets a fucking ticket should just fight it. Just fucking clog the system. Same thing they did with the cameras in the intersections. Everyone, fuck it. We're not paying it. Nobody paid it. Nobody. Fucking poor Mexicans in this town, they can't afford a $480 ticket for going through an intersection. So everyone went, fuck it. The whole system shut down. That's what we should do. You see, they fucking got you by the balls here when they pull this shit for companies. You see, when they try to rape Nissan, Nissan just moves to Nashville and goes, fuck you, California. And when they try to rape all the other companies that just flee to, you know, Phoenix or flee to New Mexico or flee to another state that's more friendly, they just pick up and leave. But they know you can't pick up and leave. You're on their fucking road, so they just rape the people that are left behind. Ass wipes. All right, anyway, I'll tell you how the radar detector goes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Have you ever had one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Mostly they just go off randomly all the time and just remind you not.

[Brian Bishop]

To speed up the supermarket doors.

[Adam Carolla]

They just go off? Yeah. It's sort of like this. Here's how a radar detector works. They don't really work. It's just like you took a hollow box, put a battery in it, and had a little red light and a speaker in it. And about every 45 seconds, it would randomly go. And you go, oh, shit, I better slow down. Cause you'd never get a ticket if somebody just sat in your seat and went, hey, slow down. Hey, slow down. Hey, slow down. That's really what they are. They're a hey, slow down. Box that gets set off by, like, CB radios and shit.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what you need?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's it. And then you slow down and there's nothing there.

[Brian Bishop]

You need my mom in the car with you because she does that thing where even before you make any slight turn, she braces herself and throws her feet against the door and her hand.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad does that with the foot. He starts applying the brake.

[Allison Rosen]

Christie spob does that, too. What is that? Who flings themselves at the dashboard.

[Adam Carolla]

They do that. That's exactly what happens. Yeah, it's an old. It's an old person thing.

[Brian Bishop]

It's related to the throwing the arm if they're driving. Throwing the arm against the passenger to hold them back.

[Adam Carolla]

Like they're gonna do that, by the way. Like, my dad's little Skinny Wickets could stop anybody. All they're gonna do is cut you with that bony elbow of his. All right, the other thing someone was tweeting me about. Leaf blowers. We can look into this story. I don't know if you got any of this, Alison. I'm going to give some love to one of our fantabulous. You guys can look about the leaf blower. And by the way, so what? I think it was Edmonds. They tested the emissions. Just the emissions. Now I've talked about those fucking leaf blowers because they don't have. Anyway, you know they don't have catalytic converters on them. They're just open exhaust. They took the emissions of a Ford Raptor. It was a 6.2 liter V8, a big V8, Ford truck engine. A souped up Ford truck engine. The Ford Raptor will show a picture of the Raptor when they find that versus a fucking leaf blower. Guess which one was putting out more emissions. The fucking.

[Brian Bishop]

Something tells me the leaf blower.

[Adam Carolla]

Leaf blower. And that's just the emissions. I constantly talk about the fucking toxic airborne clouds that it creates. I mean, I was driving up the hill today. This fucking guy was just launching a cloud of whatever was on the ground. You're walking your dog or pushing your kid through a fucking stroller. It's again, it's one of these things that I can't figure out. We go apeshit over smoke. We go apeshit over secondhand smoke. We go fucking berserk. The guy smoking a goddamn Marlboro Ultralight on the fucking beach will get tackled and arrested. But the fucking leaf blower guys are just fucking pluming shit out in the air. Nothing. No one can say a thing. I think it's because it's racist. I don't get it. I don't get the fucking problem where everyone does it. You know, it's gonna cost more. It's got good. The fucking car has 10 airbags. We pay for every one of them. There is no version of that car with no airbags. There is no version of that car with no crumple zone. There is no version of. Of that car with no catalytic converter. You put it on and you pass it on. Yes, Brian, I was stopped at a.

[Allison Rosen]

Red light today and I saw a guy using a leaf blower. Maybe the lawn was a little damp from sprinklers or whatever sort of futile spring, you know, leaf. Blowing a bunch of fallen leaves off a lawn wasn't really doing much. I'm thinking, wouldn't it be just as fast, if not faster just to make.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, like just as fast.

[Allison Rosen]

Obviously a little more effort. You can't just stand there and swing your arm.

[Adam Carolla]

But just as fast. It's their sword. Go ahead, Alison. Read that there.

[Brian Bishop]

The test found that a Ryobi four stroke leaf blower kicked out almost seven times more oxides of nitrogen and 13.5 times more carbon monoxide than the Raptor, which insideline.com once called, quote, the ultimate Michigan mudslinger.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a huge 4x truck with a huge V8 in it.

[Brian Bishop]

The kind of truck where if you see someone driving it, you think small penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

An Echo 2 stroke leaf blower performed even worse, generating 23 times the carbon dioxide, sorry, the carbon monoxide. And nearly 300 times more non methane hydrocarbons than the Raptor.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's just what's coming out of the exhaust.

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean? Two stroke.

[Adam Carolla]

Four stroke. Two stroke is the one you add the oil to. And the four stroke is.

[Allison Rosen]

Are electric ones any safer?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the four, the electric ones are not putting out emissions. These ones are putting out emissions that are equivalent or higher than a full size Ford truck with a V8 in it. That's each one. And that's not even the problem. The problem is the airborne particulates that they're just shooting out into the air. That's my problem.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what? I bet a lot of it is phlegm too. Because you know how people are always coughing up phlegm on the street, Then it's getting blown in the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Dried phlegm, rat fecal matter. Just your general dust and pollen and shit like that. Rat phlegm. And then sounds like a name like if Howard Stern really hated his program director. And like shit that just comes off cars like vulcanized rubber and stuff. Just bits and pieces of tire and just shit that just drips and dries and all that. Whatever's on the ground. Whatever reason why you wouldn't want your kid to walk barefoot down or lick the ground. Or lick the ground.

[Allison Rosen]

Curbs.

[Adam Carolla]

Painted curbs. You were inhaling all this shit once again, berserk over smoking. No problemo with the leaf blowers. Which just goes to show we don't really give a shit or we're too stupid to know the difference. Get rid of the. And not. And then there's just. It's three tears. It's what's coming out that's causing this commentators tears. It's what's coming out of the exhaust. It's worse what it's kicking up off of the ground. And it's noise pollution which Is much more important than people ever really think about. What's the last time you fucking just took a nap or had a conversation on the phone? You don't notice that.

[Brian Bishop]

1983.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't notice it until you do a whole bunch of, like, interviews on a phone. Like, I'll just do a bunch of interviews, and it's like, I'll hear that fucking thing fire up and have to walk into the bathroom and shut the door and put the towel over my head and shit like that. All right, let's do something about this. But will we do something about it? No.

[Brian Bishop]

What can we do?

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking outlaw him like you do lawn darts?

[Brian Bishop]

No, but I mean, someone listening right now who's like, yes. Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Are lawn darts outlawed? Yes. Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone has a friend who has a friend who has a friend whose. I was taken out by the.

[Adam Carolla]

They used to use them all the time on the apartment complex across the street from us. And I think my neighbor called the cops. Guy was out there raking today. Has been raking for the last two weeks. Good.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought he meant Landar's, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew exactly what he meant. Which goes to show that something's wrong with me. Or more importantly, something wrong with you guys. That's right, Brogan. What they should do is they should take some of the cops that are hanging around the grapevine riding out chicken shit tickets and steer them toward the scourge.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, they should blow them with leaf blowers towards the scourge.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, go to meeting. You get your news prepped. Holiday weather, it is upon us. Blustery out there. Like I said, man, Denver snow, a falling ice, frozen. Oh, man. I was walking to a club. It was all icy in the alley. And I was doing that weird walk, that weird linebacker walk. We were trying to walk on every square millimeter of your foot. Just your feet are out wide. I didn't want to eat shit before I went in a club. Yeah, why not? Use a little gotomeeting. You don't have to deal with all the snow and the rain and the sleet and the hail. GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix. Host meetings online from your computer while your attendees join from their computer, their iPad, iPhone, Android, many mobile devices. This is nice. I mean, your iPhone. Come on, man. You don't have to go in the meeting anymore. Download the free app and start joining or hosting gotomeeting sessions, Even if you're snowed in. Try it for free. 45 days free visit. GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code Adam 45 days free man. GoToMeeting. All right. Allison Rosenberg. Little news, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Christopher Titus]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it Cut.

[Christopher Titus]

It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

FAA administrator Randy Babbitt resigned Tuesday, three days after he was was arrested on a drunk driving charge near his suburban Washington home, Fairfax City. Fairfax City police arrested Babbitt late Saturday night after they allegedly saw him driving on the wrong side of the road. The police put out a news release on Monday morning detailing the incident. Babbitt was alone in the car and was cooperative. Police said he was released on personal recognizance, meaning no bail was required. The police department said Babbitt failed a sobriety test, but they did not release the results of any blood alcohol test. A court date for Babbitt has been set for February 2nd in Virginia.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the FAA. What?

[Brian Bishop]

He's the Federal Aviation Administrator.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the guy who decided that Natalia didn't have to wear her flip flops or could wear her flip flops when she went through the.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if he personally did, but he was near people who did.

[Adam Carolla]

I just hope when he was arrested, the cop gave him an extra helping of cop talk. Sir, what I need you to do for me right now, just go ahead and turn around real quick, okay? For me right now. And he went, hey, you don't need all those words. And he'd go, how's it feel, bitch? Because you've instructed every single person who works under you to fucking give the extra airport talk, people. When I'm gonna. And you know what? It drives me even more nuts. Now, the sing songy bitch will sit in the front, and she'll just be. She doesn't do anything. She just stands in front of the metal detector and she does this one. Liquids. That means all liquids over 3.5 ounces, over 100 milliliters. All liquids.

[Brian Bishop]

She making smoothies at Costco.

[Adam Carolla]

That means conditioner. That means all gels and liquids. Every form. That's water. That's why it's like, yes, sweetie, we don't have to cover all liquids on the planet. All of them need to be removed from the thing. All computers out of the bag and clearly displayed in their own tray. Every computer. People, if we have to remove the computer from the bag. We're only going to have to say all liquids over three point. It's like, okay, sweetie. What could make this experience worse? This sing songy bitch telling me about the computer that needs to come out of the fucking bag.

[Brian Bishop]

She's like someone hawking a product at Costco. Because, you know, recently we were talking about Costco and they give out a lot of samples, but then there's always a couple stands where it's someone who is giving a whole spiel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, much like that. No. You know why? Because they're trying to get you to buy a blender.

[Brian Bishop]

I still find it annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

This person is fucking condescending. And sing songy the other person's annoying in a fucking car salesman way.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine you wanted a blender, they didn't wanna let you have it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like. I'm like. A blender's like, oh, that's this one. Sir, you're not physically, emotionally, or spiritually ready for the puree setting. Okay? So keep walking, sir. You can chop, you can chop, you.

[Brian Bishop]

Can mince, and you can dice, no frappe.

[Adam Carolla]

If you might, I suggest. I know you had your heart set on pina coladas for this party. Might I suggest a nice bottle of white zinfandel? Thank you. Keep moving. You're not smooth enough for a smoothie. Understood. Mm. Would you like a smoothie? Here's how I suggest you make it. Take a banana, break it in half, shove it in your mouth, then dump orange juice in your mouth. Then take a handful of your favorite berries and or protein powder and shove them into your mouth. Then put your head in a paint can and then swallow. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

In the background, the husband leaves over to the wife. I think we should get one of those magic bullet blunders.

[Brian Bishop]

So what's with pilots and people who work around airplanes being drunk all the time?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But I never drink more than when I'm in an airport.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, maybe they feel that way too.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what it is. First off, I'm tired of being judged. At that point, I just want.

[Brian Bishop]

You're broken.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fucking broken. I'm depressed. I want the time to go away and I just want some fucking booze. I just wanted to. I want to forget about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you ever drink to the point where time just slows down?

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, no. That'll happen with pot, but with booze, I'll just push on through. Or not care.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't vomit frequently anymore, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I'm amazed at how much drinking I can do at an airport. Cause it's spread out very nicely, you know what I mean? We're not doing tequila shots. Although the other thing is I've been traveling all over the place and haven't been asked to see my ID in like a good year. And now two times in a row at the airport bar. Sir, what I'm gonna need, by the way, while the guy's complimenting me on the man show, I'm gonna need. Yeah. Because I shot that when I was, well, 14, so just about now be 21. Yeah. All right. Just you understand, we're living in a society where every human being has to pull their license out at the fucking bar. And like, you don't get your license out enough at the airport.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe like how kids now don't have to take off their flip flops. Maybe a lot of signs like, hey, old timer, keep that ID in your wallet.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Because the signs, like, our four kids, like, hey, kids, keep those shoes on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Sorry. Baldwin. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Was kicked off a plane.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Playing Words with Friends on his phone. He was flying LA to New York. He was on American Airlines. The door of the airplane was closed, but he was playing Words with Friends, which is like Scrabble, on his phone. They asked him to stop. He did, but I don't know how contentious the asking him to stop and him stopping was. And then he went to the bathroom, even though the seatbelt slam was on, allegedly. And slammed on his way out of the bathroom, slammed the door so hard that the captain said, what was that? And upon realizing it was Alec Baldwin and finding out what happened, the captain booted him off the plane.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

So he took to Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Brian Bishop]

He tweeted a lot about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't fuck with those captains. A lot of those guys, ex fliers, like Marines and stuff like that.

[Brian Bishop]

And they're drunk. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't need. They don't need your highfalutin Hollywood Hollywood guys.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like they're just waiting to kick highfalutin Hollywood people off their airplanes.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys, I mean, like I said, I've talked to some of those guys and they fly, flew, flew like F4s and Nam and stuff down MIG Alley and shit. They don't like those Hollywood pussies. That's right, their ass off the plane.

[Brian Bishop]

So. And then other people were tweeting about it as well on the plane. But anyway, here's one tweet from Alec Baldwin, flight attendant on American, reamed me out for playing Words with Friends while we sat at the gate, not moving. Hashtag, no wonder America Air is bankrupt. And then here's another one, hashtag, there's always United. Last flight with American, where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950s find jobs as flight attendants.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, gonna have to apologize to the ladies. And, you know, it's what we talk about. You give people who shouldn't have much juice in life. I mean, and that was actually mucus.

[Allison Rosen]

Preemptive.

[Adam Carolla]

There's two ways you get juice in life. You earn it, or once in a while it lands in your lap. So the earn it people, the Richard Bransons of the world or the Alec Baldwins of the world, they have Jews now, they shouldn't be able to abuse it, but let's face it, they're used to kind of getting treated differently than you and I. And they've earned whatever they've earned. I don't know. I didn't design society. All I know is when you're a hot looking chick or you're a guy who people recognize from hosting SNL 16 times, you get treated differently than most people. He earned his juice. The flight attendants did not earn their juice. These are junior college students who weren't doing too much with their life. They're not what you call super smart or super ambitious or super anything. They're just working people. But then 9, 11 happened and now they got juice and that juice landed in their lap. And I'm not talking about turned over box. I'm talking about the kind of juice that gives you power to throw off a guy like Alec Baldwin. So now they're juiced up and they do what most people do, most civilians do when they get a little juice. See, everyone does that thing where they go, oh, this celebrity's a dick and that celebrity's an asshole. And I would be nice if I was the boss, or I would be nice, really try it on for size. Have everyone kiss your ass and get paid a whole shitload of money and be driven places and fly for skyline and see how quickly you go from zero to douchebag. I've seen it happen a million times. It happens to a lot of people. And that's why a lot of these guys are douchey. And look what has happened to the civilians. Flight attendants have become bitches in the last 10 years. They formally were the nicest people on the planet. Like if you said if I made this joke 20 years ago, if 20 years ago I said bitchier than a flight attendant, you'd go, the good looking chick who Offers you a pillow like that joke would. That joke would not make sense. Right? If I said in 2011, she's bitchier than a flight attendant, you'd get it. So what happened? They got juice. And when you take fair to middling brain sized people and you give them juice, a lot of times you turn to fucking monsters. That's what's going on. That's all the fucking security dickheads. And that's my sort of, we've built the minimum wage gilded cage segment or chapter in my book. That's what I'm talking about. We've taken a bunch of these guys, we've given them juice, and now they're in charge. They got the keys to the castle and you can fuck yourself, Alec Baldwin. And that's a lot of what's going on. Now, on the other hand, you shouldn't be a douchebag if you're Baldwin. If she tells you to shut your phone, you should shut your phone. And you know, she says, don't get up and go to the bathroom. Don't get up and go to the bathroom. But, you know, he had a first class ticket and you know, they were sitting around for a long period of time and you know, it didn't make a fucking difference. Just like me going, when I get my ticket for going 78 miles an hour in the Porsche, it's not gonna make a difference. So who's the criminal? There's a law, there's a rule, but where's the victim?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a Hollywood version of this. I just thought of it. Remember Drew did that narcissist study on all the celebrities that came into Loveline for like a year and a half or whatever. It was like he liked narcissism and celebrities. And he found out that the most narcissistic were reality stars, right? Because they were ordinary people who had fame thrust upon them, didn't work for it, didn't earn it. They literally were ordinary people. And now they're the douchiest of all of the celebrities. If you want to call them that.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, brace yourself against that desk. That is a very good point. Yeah, essentially my point, but it's a great example of my point. Yes. The people that came up with it, earned it, fought for it, and studied to get it there. It's the difference between rich guy with the business degree who started his own business from nothing and lottery winner. They're different dudes. See what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

Right. But add another layer onto that, which is you win the lottery not just randomly but being sort of douchey to begin with.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with that.

[Brian Bishop]

Reality stars. Oh, wow. Because reality stars, at this point, it's not just your. It's not just an average person. It's someone who's got a propensity towards douchiness to begin with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but this was almost pre that. Yeah, this is like five, eight years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Survivor in 2001.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

People just wanted to be like the.

[Brian Bishop]

First season of Contest or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm. All right, well, look out, Baldwin.

[Brian Bishop]

The United States Postal Service says it's planning to largely eliminate next day delivery for first class mail as part of its push to cut costs and reduce its budget deficit. Currently, more than 40% of first class mail is delivered in one day. The slower delivery would result from the decision to shut about half of its 487 mail processing centers nationwide.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't we be working toward getting rid of this sort of vestige of the past? I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, sometimes I think that, like, let mail go the way of the penny, which is still here. But then I was thinking, yes, I can understand for communication, you know, why do you have to send someone a letter, but there's items. You have to send them. Like actual physical items.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know, but we have other carriers for that. I'm just saying find out. Somebody figure out. And here's what I'm gonna do. When I'm in charge, I'm just gonna do. I'm gonna treat it like I treated Spanish in high school. Who's the smart one? I'm gonna sit behind you and copy. Mm. What do you think Germany does?

[Brian Bishop]

You want to model yourself after Germany?

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think the Netherlands do? Like, what's Japan do? What are the. I'm not interested in what Mexico's up to. I'm not interested in a donkey wandering in a circle with an unmarked package duct taped to its ass. But I want to carrier donkey. I want to know. I want to know what the fuck they're doing in Japan. That'll be our answer. Because if they have not shrunk their post office in the last 50 years, then maybe that isn't the answer. But I'll bet you Japan has something going. They're doing something. Steal everyone's idea. That's my whole thing. Go find the A student, sit behind them and cheat. I want to know what Japan's doing for the post office and Germany. Not because they are big fans of their politics, but they do, you know, do keep the trains running pretty good over there. Know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

I Do.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not big time wasters.

[Brian Bishop]

Current standards call for delivering first class mail in one to three days within the continental United States. Under the planned cutback, those delivery times would increase to two to two or three days, potentially creating problems for clients of Netflix who would like their next episodes of Mad Men.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't think about the day.

[Brian Bishop]

Or procrastinators who like to pay bills as late as possible. To them I say at least pay your bills online.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say this, it's a perfect time to talk about stamps dot com. Oh, ace man. Sweet transition.

[Allison Rosen]

Optimistic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Holiday's coming up fast. You want to jump on stamps.com? yeah. Why leave the house? Why hang out at the post office? Have you ever been to a post office where you went, wow, this is nice?

[Brian Bishop]

No, this is sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I might just come here to kill time. I don't care if I have parcels or not. No, you don't want to hang out at the post office. All right, how about Japan privatized the postal service in 2007. Well, this is shocking. I was not ready for this. Oh, wait a minute. This is what I expected.

[Brian Bishop]

Keenly. Critical strikes again.

[Allison Rosen]

Keenly.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's been almost five years since they privatized a postal service and I'm sure it's a. Sure, it's an utter disaster. If I know Japan, this is not working out at all.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sure they bungled it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, then we'll find out what Germany does. Find out that we'll get our answers again. Our president should just be ripping off ideas from other cultures and other places. And by the way, also looking at other things like ethnic cleansing and going, not so much.

[Allison Rosen]

There's some takeaways.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna use the whole thing. I'm gonna use the world and their cultures and the countries to know not only what I do wanna do, but what I don't wanna do. And I'll just let them be little petri dishes, have the little experiments and we'll do it that way. I know regions are different, I know cultures are different. But just, you know, if they've got a rail system that seems like it's working, maybe we'll use that. Said it a million times. When I was out in England, out at night 10 years ago, just walking out, doing a nice little pub crawl. They had these weird shaped urinals that three dudes just parked right on the sidewalk. Three dudes could put their back. You didn't go in and close a door. You just could turn your back to Society and take a whiz. Now everyone goes, well, that seems weird. Well, it's that or go pissed by the dumpster, because that's pretty much how it works. And England decided they didn't like all the smell coming from the dumpster. Now Los Angeles, every stairwell and every parking structure reeks of urine because we didn't embrace that idea. I don't understand why we're not smart enough to look at something like that and go, oh, there's a good one. Well, why don't we use that like.

[Brian Bishop]

Beer or underwear in vending machines? I think Japan has that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, exactly right. All right, Bobby Collins is out there. We'll take a quick break. What's going on with Germany? Any postal news on Germany?

[Allison Rosen]

We're looking extemporaneously.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up with Germany? Yeah, what's up with Germany? We'll talk to comedian Bobby Collins next. Back with veteran comedian Bobby Collins. Good to see you, Bobby.

[Bobby Collins]

A pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

Pleasure. Bobby's got himself a DVD telling it like it is, available at bobbycollins.com Also, live shows coming up December 16th, 17th at Pechanga Casino in Temecula. I think I was out there a few months back just the 16th.

[Bobby Collins]

I'm not doing the 17.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, screw the 17th. This is 16. Maybe I'll do the 17th. You should. Bobby Collins.com is where you get the information. You can Twitter him at Bobby Collins. Bobby, it says here left the position as VP at Calvin Klein to pursue comedy. Is that true?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, I was a New York survivor guy, you know, and I, I saw all the other guys doing stand up comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was this?

[Bobby Collins]

32 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

32 years ago. How, what was. How big is Calvin Klein now And how big were they then?

[Bobby Collins]

They were, they were starting to become huge then because we, we were the junior division and we needed a girl to represent our, you know, because we were just juniors.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bobby Collins]

And we got this Brook shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

Nothing can come between you. And we just sat there and took orders. Those, I mean you could buy a pair. Your jeans you're wearing now is the same jeans in the same company that makes them out of that Costco will have.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

But because it's Calvin Klein, we, you know, it was $39.

[Adam Carolla]

It was really kind of creepy those seeing a 14 year old Brooke Shields or 15 year old Brooke Shields doing her weird sort of tantric yoga position or whatever, talking about nothing coming between her and her cows. I mean, it was kind of weird, wasn't it? She was underage at the Time, wasn't she?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, her mother was real straight. It just, you know, it was a marketing tool. The masses were the asses. Play it to them. That's how they.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and then they went nuts with the underpants.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who the hell the hell would have known they'd be selling underpants for 18 bucks a pop?

[Bobby Collins]

Isn't that ridiculous?

[Brian Bishop]

Especially when nothing comes between me and my Calvins would suggest a lack of underwear.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I would have liked to have sat my dad down and Bobby's dad down in, you know, the early 70s and went, listen, old man, there will be a future where people will be paying for water bottles of water. They'll be paying $18 for underpants. My dad's like, I bought my first car for 18 dol. Just quiet and listen.

[Bobby Collins]

Father once said to me before he passed away, he said years ago, he said, watch this. He was a smart man. He said, watch this sports thing. This thing's going to grow to ridiculous heights. I said, do you really believe that? It's only a fucking game. He said, no, keep an eye on that.

[Adam Carolla]

And it. Holy shit. It's insane how sports have become.

[Bobby Collins]

If it wasn't for sports and television, we'd probably all be down our basements, cleaning out our muskets, thinking about ways to overthrow the government. Yeah, but they. Crises. They create our crises for us constantly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do.

[Bobby Collins]

And you talk about them and I talk about them on the stage and we all.

[Adam Carolla]

And no, it's, it's. And it's. It's on and off the field, quarter greens. It's like Tiger woods, he got caught. Oh, Tiger woods won his first tournament two days ago. Tiger woods is back. And I was like, we're living our life through a fucking golfer and other.

[Bobby Collins]

Things that they throw out there around us. You know, the, the guy twiddling, the diddling, the other guy down in Penn State.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bobby Collins]

You know, they. People.

[Adam Carolla]

He wishes twiddling.

[Bobby Collins]

Everybody's been diddling since we, you know. I walked by a church, the priests.

[Brian Bishop]

Were like, thank God Pennsylvania is thick with diddlers right now.

[Bobby Collins]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Sports diddlers have weird open crotch shot.

[Brian Bishop]

We're looking at the Brookship video now.

[Bobby Collins]

Remember that?

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't know she had a perm back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's now.

[Bobby Collins]

She's on Broadway, isn't she?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. It's weird and creepy and her mom is extra super creepy. I would like to get Brooke Shields mom and my mom together in the same room just so we could see. I feel like they would both explode because You've never had two people. It'd be like if Hitler played chicken with Gandhi and got on his shoulders in a swimming pool. That's what it would be like getting those two. There would be no less a showbiz mom than my mom. I mean, my mom is literally famous for saying, give me one good reason why I should order cable when her son had two shows on cable.

[Brian Bishop]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

You could never Brooke Shields mom and my mom sitting there. That would. I'd love to get those two into the same room. It'd really be like that Hitler team up with Gandhi. Come on, we're getting in the pool. We're done with Marco Polo. I'm playing chicken now. Get on his matter. Get in the. Get on the Furious back because you don't weigh anything and you're rangy and you smell of curry. All right, where were we, Bobby?

[Bobby Collins]

My parents wouldn't even know who these people were. My father was a New England guy and he married a lady down in of 12. He was the only child married someone 12 people and siblings right. From Louisiana. So I got half that blood in me. And the half the quiet, you know, the reserve. They don't know anything. You know, what did you Kardashians to them? They'll think like it's a, you know, a breakfast cereal.

[Adam Carolla]

What did your dad do for a living? When I was a clerk, he was a clerk.

[Bobby Collins]

His whole life he was a clerk.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you ended up going to college and you were going to make something of yourself. Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

And he did. No, he went to Providence College and he was really smart. But I always used to be the kid, the one brother son of and my other brothers never said anything would say to him, dad, you have such vast knowledge. You know everything. How come you're not applying it, doing anything with it? And he says, what do you mean it's for me?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. His knowledge is for me.

[Bobby Collins]

And it was like, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. It's like a trunk filled with porn, you know?

[Bobby Collins]

Hey, dad, I'm gonna be a comedian. Oh, your mother named you after Bob Hope. Because I really liked him.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't know that.

[Bobby Collins]

I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me that?

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about going into that field. Did he try to talk you out of it? I mean, especially since you're doing pretty good.

[Bobby Collins]

No, he wasn't. He was an intelligent man. Man you knew to follow your dreams. Life's short. You were only here for a blink of an eye. You know, no one in this room is getting out alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

I'm just trying to get through it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Bobby's open for Cher and Julio Glacis, Dolly Parton and Tony Bennett. Who. Who'd you like? Dolly Parton. Who's the best? Who's the nicest? Out of that. Out of that group. Well, you got to be careful. No, you don't. They're all going to be.

[Bobby Collins]

I liked Julio.

[Adam Carolla]

I liked. Who was a.

[Bobby Collins]

He was this, you know, like Julio was to the world, our Frank Sinatra to the United States.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

To all the girls we love, you know, so when I traveled with him, he was. He was just a regular good guy. Was a soccer player that was singing. He got hurt, so he started to sing in his hospital. He was laid up for like two years.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

He started singing, you know, he was a goalie.

[Adam Carolla]

So you got a lot of, you know, what you call. He's down to earth.

[Bobby Collins]

He calls it like it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Sloppy seconds, I think we call it out here.

[Bobby Collins]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of chicks, though. I mean.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, I saw things.

[Brian Bishop]

Catch Julio's runoff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Pan drippings.

[Bobby Collins]

My wife's Italian. She's got weapons.

[Adam Carolla]

But you saw. You saw. Oh, I saw things with Julio.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How would it work? Like, you're opening for Julio at the height of his fame, right?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You go on the road with Julio.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

88 city tour, and you go out and do 20 minutes, half hour, something.

[Bobby Collins]

32.

[Adam Carolla]

32 minutes.

[Bobby Collins]

They'd always have a guy stand behind you at 30, because you're the sub star.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

They'd have a guy behind the curtain, go, wrap it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you could hear him.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. You do 32 minutes. And how did Julio decide on you? And then what was it like playing to that audience? Because that audience ain't there to see Bobby Collins.

[Bobby Collins]

Right, right. That's a whole different. That's a whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at him.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good looking.

[Bobby Collins]

That was a whole different field, you know, opening. I was. I was performing a catch, A rising star in New York City. And all of a sudden, an agent called me up the next day. Goes, who's your agent? I go, what's in it?

[Adam Carolla]

You know?

[Bobby Collins]

He said, well, Cher was in there and she wants you to open for.

[Adam Carolla]

Her on a tour, and you're playing. Those tours are huge, right?

[Bobby Collins]

I mean, 36,000 people was the first. First time I ever opened for her, and first time I ever opened for someone really big.

[Adam Carolla]

You go from a stage, 200, 220 people to 32,000 people?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How does that work?

[Bobby Collins]

Well, I called up, after I got off the stage, I called up my then girlfriend and told her. She goes, how was it? I said, not only am I sweating from under my arms, but the sides of my underwear are sopping wet.

[Adam Carolla]

It went all.

[Bobby Collins]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I was freaked. I would be too.

[Bobby Collins]

Right. But I didn't let anyone know it there, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But how do you. How do you. What do you do with your act? Like, I mean, there's a different. Well, different material you have to use in front of that massive audience, right?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, it's a shit material. It's, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Bobby Collins]

You could be clever, but you can't be crude.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

You can, because they're judging her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

You, you're right. You're just. They'll get rid of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

But she doesn't want to have a bad. Nothing casted on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right. And are you allowed to do any share jokes?

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, yeah, yeah, they can. Some of them. Some like you, you can mention that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever tell you to.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Take it. Hey.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You doing your. I got a feeling Sonny's gonna hit a tree on skis probably. Right. That's for the club. Yeah, that's for the club. So she.

[Bobby Collins]

Remember, it's a. It's a living and it's a good one. But you still. I would always, you know, I have to go to the edge and they knew that and a lot of them like that about me.

[Adam Carolla]

But doing so for you, schedule wise, that'd be a pretty sweet schedule because you're doing the same act pretty much, right?

[Bobby Collins]

No, I kept it fresh. The key, you know, as well as anyone else is writing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you would. But most comedians, when they're breaking in new material, go to the Comedy Cellar on a Wednesday night. Right. An open mic night, butt in between comedian number 21 and 23, and do a little comedy in there. But you don't test out stuff in front of 14,000 or 25,000 people.

[Bobby Collins]

That's how you learn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you were testing out stuff all the time.

[Bobby Collins]

So that's why somebody. I do a lot of theaters now. So somebody said to me last week at the Tarrytown Theater in New York, upstate New York, they said, hey, Bobby. And I said, I'm concentrating. I got like seven new minutes of stuff. I really got to work it. And I always put it up front.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

You know, that's. It doesn't make a difference how many people. That's it. That's. That was one of the lessons you learned, take the best and leave the rest of working. Big room.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you get to. As far as travel goes, were you in the bus with the percussion section or.

[Bobby Collins]

I traveled with Lyric. I traveled with Julio. I traveled. I. Cher was afraid of planes, so we had to have buses. But I flew places.

[Adam Carolla]

They were close.

[Bobby Collins]

No, I flew with Cher, but she. You got that big room on the second bus in the back. Even though we had. When I went in there one time when I first got on the tour, you know, I walked in there and they said, all right, you're the sub star, Bobby. You got the second bus and you got that big room in the back. And I went in there, and one of her backup singers was there, there. And I looked at her, I said, nah. You know, from New York. Yeah, this is my room. And she said, no, no. You got one of those little, you know, bunks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

And I said, nah, no. So I got her out. It turned out to be the. I forget her name, but, you know, the. The singer that was on or. She did all the. The movies with Christina Aguilera. No. You mean.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Liza Minnelli.

[Bobby Collins]

No, she did all the movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to think what. Oh, how old she would be now.

[Bobby Collins]

She was. She's a. And she still sings. No, she was a backup singer for Sharon.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bobby Collins]

Those movies with the two partners, the black and the white guy. He was the. He put down Jews. I don't know what.

[Adam Carolla]

Mel Gibson.

[Bobby Collins]

Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she's an actress. Yeah. Oh, she's not a singer.

[Bobby Collins]

She's a singer, but she was an actor. Yeah, she acted. She played Danny Glover's wife in those movies.

[Adam Carolla]

You're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know who that is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're talking.

[Bobby Collins]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a black woman.

[Bobby Collins]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we spit that out early, Bobby, because that's Danny Glover's wife on the. Now I hear. Now. You see her. I see her, but I don't. I'm trying to think if I know what her name is.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know if she was a singer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that. That I didn't know.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, well known.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, you. You tossed her out of the bunk. Yeah. And she showed you. She went on to play Danny Glover's wife.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, she's a good. You know, you get to know him, you're with him 88 times.

[Adam Carolla]

Dolly Parton, ever see her naked?

[Bobby Collins]

No. Sweet. Sweet, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Same question. Same question for Tony Bennett.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a paint. What a life. God, Damn. I didn't see. That's the one. There's two things I gotta do on my bucket list. I gotta play a cruise ship.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Bobby Collins]

I'll be doing that in two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell us the schedule. Cause I had a buddy who was a juggler who played a cruise ship, and he told me the schedule and I almost started beating off in front of him.

[Bobby Collins]

Well, I do. I work for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines and only them.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, tell me the schedule. Your work schedule. How long is the cruise?

[Bobby Collins]

One week.

[Adam Carolla]

One week.

[Bobby Collins]

You get on in the middle of their cruise. So that's. So if you get on. On Florida on Sunday, you'll get off in Florida on Sunday. You as a passenger, as a performer, you get in there on Tuesday, the day before you're supposed to get on the ship.

[Adam Carolla]

Ship, Right.

[Bobby Collins]

And I'll get on at Saint Kitts coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

So that you'll get on the day before. Yeah. So you don't do anything that day?

[Bobby Collins]

That day I fly. They put me up in a nice hotel with my family.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the next day, 9 o'.

[Bobby Collins]

Clock, the ship pulls in. They send a van to pick you up and you go on a cruise.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you work that night?

[Bobby Collins]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the next night? No. This is where the dick's coming out. What about the night after that?

[Bobby Collins]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, when you're. When you're on the ship, you're just a passenger, right?

[Christopher Titus]

Yes.

[Bobby Collins]

You get. I get one suite and I also get one passenger cabin for my kids. We do it once a year.

[Adam Carolla]

This is my point. How many. So you're on the ship for seven or eight days?

[Bobby Collins]

Seven.

[Adam Carolla]

How many nights do you perform?

[Bobby Collins]

Two.

[Adam Carolla]

This is where the dick's coming out. My buddy was like. And I'm like, where are you going? Caribbean. And it's like, you're going to. And then what else do you get? You know, free meals, free everything. And you get to fuck showgirls and stuff like that. You know, just work two nights and, like, you're getting how much?

[Christopher Titus]

They probably.

[Adam Carolla]

They give you like eight grand or something. And I was like, you know, this a long time ago. I was like, you're fucking getting paid to go on a cruise.

[Bobby Collins]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And you barely were. And it's like, darlene Love. Darlene Love. That's true.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I did. I didn't find that. I was following the trail of finding it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Tossed her right off that bunk. Do a cruise, wow. Do a cruise, wow. It's worth it just to do the cruise. But do you juggle how much time do you have to do?

[Bobby Collins]

I do 50 minutes. Four times and four times two shows.

[Adam Carolla]

And two shows.

[Bobby Collins]

Yes. And that's it for the two crowds on each seating.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

For the first. Now you're getting off that Sunday. I've performed for you probably that Saturday night because you're the headline performer. So they come dressed up and it's the big night, the gala night for them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And then you're just a cruising past.

[Bobby Collins]

Year and then you'll all get off and I'm there and with my family and we'll go off wherever they in Florida somewhere for the day we come back. And now the new people are on and I'll perform for them Tuesday night and I have to get off the ship on Wednesday.

[Adam Carolla]

And where's the ship heading this time?

[Bobby Collins]

This one? This one is St. Kitts, Antigua, Barbados and one of their own private islands called Labadi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Getting paid. Getting paid to eat free food and go cruising.

[Bobby Collins]

So picture me in the New York kid in Atlantic City and all of us are opening for Suzanne Somers. First time I ever opened for someone and there. And a English guy came over to me and he said, hey, can you do that on a cruise ship? They never had comics before really. Except for the guys with the, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, the squirting shirt. You were the first guy.

[Bobby Collins]

No, they said, I go, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How much I love that story. Yeah. Bob, you want to hang out and do a little news with us? Sure. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors, Discount America's Tire. These guys are great. Getting me my race slicks. I'm going racing, baby. Ain't going cruising. Yep. Our friends over at Discount Tire and America's Tire, same place want to send you. Oh, what the hell's going on? Some new copy here. Let's send you to LA for the weekend to meet me. Thanks for the heads up, Mike. I was not aware of this. It doesn't matter if you're a fan of the Discount or America's Tire. You want to come meet me, I'll do. That includes round trip flights for two. That's almost as good as the Bobby Collins cruise deal. Yeah, right. Two nights in a hotel and 500 bucks in spending money. Wow, not bad. Plus tickets to the Peterson Auto Museum. I got a car over there. Can't touch it. There's a velvet rope around its edge. Corolla weekend. Yeah. Takes it to Peterson Automotive Museum is fantastic by the way. And behind the scenes tour of the shop studio right here. Oh, okay. [e-mail] discounttire or our site. All right, well, go at it. Thanks for the heads up, Mike. Appreciate it, buddy. No idea. All right, there's my car, by the way.

[Bobby Collins]

Which one?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's fast. Now, which car do you think is my car? You have to figure out. You got a De Tomasa Pantera there to the right. I go with both sides. Oh, I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

I think maybe the orange one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Yeah, there it is.

[Bobby Collins]

Nice. Yeah, My wife bought a Prius.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Leno said to me, why'd you do that? I said, I don't know. They asked, well, who's starting the car? I was like, I don't know, Jay. Well, why'd you do it? I went, I start my cars. I don't let my cars in. I said, I don't know. They asked for my car. Being verbally assaulted by you? They asked, put my car in a displace. I said, fine, I understand. Who's starting? Who's working at you? Who's handling that car? I was like, like, all right, Jay, first off, you're rich. Quiet, relax. You're fine. And I'm sure there's not some kid rubbing his ass against a fender. And, yeah, it probably needs to be started, and it's not. And I can dig it. They're non profit. They wanted my car, so be it. I don't know. It was full of questions, but now.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a question.

[Adam Carolla]

It was did not trust.

[Brian Bishop]

How long did they have it for? Do you know?

[Adam Carolla]

They had it for, like, six months, and then they, like, renewed it.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you gonna feel sad when they want to return it? Like, oh, my car's not good enough for your museum?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I kind of miss my car. And I took my kids, and they say, there's daddy's car. And they went, yeah, all right. You know, because they're completely jaded. They're a disaster at this point. All right, more news. Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

A growing number of theaters and performing groups across the country are setting aside what they call tweet seats, which are in house seats, for patrons to live tweet during performances. Ron Dildeen, the executive director for Shakespeare Festival St. Louis, an outdoor theater festival that began using tweet seats two years ago, said tweet seats have become a national trend. Coast to coast theaters are experimenting with how to use tweet seats effectively. The arts are evolving right now. They are participatory. Social media is a tool we rely on, and we have been unafraid to experiment with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. You're such heroes. You're just like the guys who went in the buildings on 911 because you came up with some folding chairs. Where's the foam core sign that said tweet seats? And by the way, Wade wrote tweet and seats in pale yellow on a white sign so it doesn't read at all.

[Brian Bishop]

It's true. It looks like someone vaguely urined tweets on there. He has. Yeah. But Carnegie hall and Kennedy center still have a leave your phone in your pocket policy and turn it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody wants to be doing Shakespeare and looking at some asshole staring down at a phone. Right, but are they trying to generate interest? Is this what, like. And then what if you're saying shitty things? Like, I do tweet seats at my shows, but I wouldn't want people going corolla. Not as funny in person. A lot of material. Pretty stale. Doesn't mix it up like Bobby Collins.

[Brian Bishop]

You should make them sign a writer before they get a tweet seat.

[Adam Carolla]

I need positive tweets.

[Brian Bishop]

Positive tweet seats? Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

All we want.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I think some of them have sort of a special interactive thing, like they're tweeting out their program, program notes and things like that. Sort of like when you walk through a museum, not unlike the one where you could find your car, and they give you that thing to listen to, which I never really listened to.

[Bobby Collins]

Distracting and rude.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's. Let's try to do the math on what the chicks look like in the tweet seats.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like a dude could sit in a tweet seat.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like, is she a great big fat person? I feel like the legs of that chair are gonna be pressed down quite a few inches into that lawn. Somebody's gonna have to come and free that thing up, get the jaws alive to get that thing out of the.

[Brian Bishop]

Some of the audience would be like, why are the tweed suits lower? They're not. They didn't start out that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's fidgety. That's why they're lower.

[Bobby Collins]

You've played the Sal.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. The big folks over there.

[Brian Bishop]

You've never wanted to tweet during some kind of performance or review?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I have not. Not had that, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

I bet you have. You want to tweet right now?

[Allison Rosen]

I've tweeted from the stage to our live shows, but never, like, from a movie or something. And I don't see a lot of plays or, you know, from a con. My wife tweets from, like, concerts, like, constant like, oh, there's rules. Oh, this song, it's like, aren't you supposed to be, like, losing yourself in the music? You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, fucked up in the performance.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever's going on, I never. It drives me crazy. But if you want to do it, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, that's why you're supposed to drop acid and take your top off after sitting around. Imagine telling all those folks over at Woodstock. And there'll be a couple of seats for the Tweeters. Naked and high and sliding through mud. You were there, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, you. Oh, that's right. You. You opened for the Grateful Dead.

[Bobby Collins]

No, I was there. Me and John Mamellock.

[Adam Carolla]

What we doing?

[Bobby Collins]

New York? John said to me, hey, there's a lot of shit going up upstate New York. Want to take a right? He had a new Z28.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobby Collins]

I said, like, this. Fuck, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Camaro.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah. I said, let's go.

[Brian Bishop]

I knew that.

[Bobby Collins]

We got as far and we pulled off to the side of the road as. Till they let us. And then we jumped on cars, you know, trucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

We're moving, taking people, and it was great. Smoked our body weight in pot.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobby Collins]

And we just sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Bobby Collins]

Right next to people. Everyone was like. Matter of fact, we were kind of. We were good guys because we were looking around at people like, are we gonna get caught? You know, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobby Collins]

We were still like, oh, these people.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember the bands?

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, yes, I remember.

[Brian Bishop]

Then you weren't there.

[Bobby Collins]

No, right. I remembered the one going up the country, the Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Canned Heat.

[Bobby Collins]

Canned Heat. That's when we first were lying.

[Adam Carolla]

I want some love for getting canned heat.

[Bobby Collins]

And then it rained.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I made it up for Darlene Love. That. That was a protracted period of time. But the Canned Heat, whoever's right on there, get rid of it, man. We were like, sometime out brown acid, then you'd be. Your wife would be tweeting. All right. Stay away from the brown acid, man.

[Bobby Collins]

And there were lines for that one payphone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now we all have cell phones. Yeah. Simpler time, but a lot of. Lot of peace and love going on.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, it was wild. It was wild. But remember, we had Nixon as our focal point and the Vietnam War.

[Adam Carolla]

What is this?

[Bobby Collins]

I went down to Occupy. You know, Wall Street.

[Adam Carolla]

They have.

[Bobby Collins]

It's across the board. I like the sentiment, though. You know, it brings that. Oh, look at this.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's nothing good to focus on, right? Nixon was such a. He was such a man. Yeah, he was the man.

[Bobby Collins]

But down there, there was no Focus. Then it was weird.

[Adam Carolla]

I like this song because that's. It sounds like someone's squeezing his balls every time he's singing.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a secret.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, it was good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a rambling song.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I feel like now, if someone said, there's a lot of stuff going down over there, you want to go? I'd be like, no, but tell me where it's going down and I'll avoid those roads.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be like, well, let me get my sunblock and my Purell. Make sure I got my laptop.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, is there somewhere I can plug in my straightening iron or am I going to need to buy one? There.

[Bobby Collins]

It was different.

[Adam Carolla]

And there was heavy hippies.

[Bobby Collins]

These are the ones that. Remember those girls that used to just stand up and dance, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

And you'd look at them.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa, whoa. There they are. Right? This is on Freedom Rock.

[Bobby Collins]

Brogan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was great.

[Bobby Collins]

Mm. My wife is 13 years younger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

She gets the biggest kick out of saying, yeah, he was at Woodstock, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Good stuff. Yeah. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Entertainment Weekly ran a survey of TV shows that appeal to lefties versus right wing Republicans and Democrats is how it was broken down.

[Adam Carolla]

But this can't be news shows or Fox shows or CNN shows. It's gotta be like sitcoms, right?

[Brian Bishop]

It's both.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, we don't need Fox and Friends, do we? I mean, we know how that's gonna work.

[Brian Bishop]

That one's not on there. Well, okay. Like the Daily show and Colbert Report.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a laugh.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but they're on there. That's why I'm saying there are some news that are included.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's easy. That's no shit. But to me, it's more like the sitcoms.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Okay, so let me explain. These are a few of the findings from an annual research survey by Experian Simmons that measures the consumer preferences of various political ideologies. And report prepared exclusively for Entertainment Weekly. Okay, so here are the ones that appeal to liberal Democrats, and they survey people who identify as either liberal Democrat or conservative Republican.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so this is the Democrats.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, 30.

[Adam Carolla]

This is two and a half guys who didn't want to fucking pay their taxes, but instead blame people because they drove nicely and wanted free health care because Canada had it.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation. The View.

[Adam Carolla]

The View.

[Brian Bishop]

And okay, it says shows they were.

[Adam Carolla]

On such a roll and then they put the View in there.

[Brian Bishop]

Shows that skew female tend to do better among Dems, while male friendly shows tend to perform higher among Republicans. Glee. Modern Family. It's always sunny in Philadelphia. That's Treme.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are we on now? We're on the Liberal Democrats. Oh, okay, that's good. That makes sense. Treme Scared with Glee.

[Brian Bishop]

Which I used to think was pronounced Tream.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not though.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's on hbo.

[Adam Carolla]

It's about New Orleans or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Cougar Town.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Not good.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody has to sit those people down and go, we're really on a roll here. And then we got the view in Cougar Town. Now, which one of you assholes is responsible for this? And maybe you should walk to the other side of the aisle fucking us up here. We had a nice thing going with 30 rock.

[Brian Bishop]

Cheryl, is cougar Town. Uh.

[Adam Carolla]

You're out of here. Yeah, you're out of here, bitch. And don't give me that lefty bullshit.

[Brian Bishop]

Late show with David Letterman and Late Late show with Craig Ferguson. Right, okay. Conservative Republican favorites. Swamp Loggers. Top Shot. The Bachelor. Must that be political? Cause have you seen the current ad for the new Bachelor? It's just a woman crying and then it's like, the Bachelor is returning. So exploitative. Castle myth. You're not a Castle fan?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. There's always 10 of those shows. I have no idea. It's two really good looking people who solve crime. And by the way, every time I turn on 2020 or 48 hours and I see what actual cops look like, actual detectives look like they're fucking the fattest, baldest, whitest guys on the planet. And the practice, it's not that they're eating during the interview, but you almost see them eating. It's like you can't not see them eating. Like you're just like, I. And then they get some super hot chick and she's a forensic medicine specialist and this guy's a wisecrack and whatever and there's all this sexual tension, but it never comes together. I got no time for that in real life.

[Brian Bishop]

You're never wondering, like, when will those two get it on?

[Adam Carolla]

And she, here's, here's. She's one of. She's a super smart, B. Super hot. Right there. I'm done. I'm done.

[Brian Bishop]

Super athletic.

[Adam Carolla]

She's devoted her life to solving crime. Strike three. Super athletic and single. Perpetually single. It's like, ah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

And great hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Hair's always fantastic.

[Bobby Collins]

And you coming over there and saying you want to smoke a joint, she's like, how could you do that?

[Adam Carolla]

She kicks ass too, by the way. When Push comes to shove.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Yeah. She has knives and guns in her shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how that stuff. How that Castle stuff works, but go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Mythbusters.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's a weird one for the righties.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm. I know. Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's about. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

American Pickers. What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Although only America is kind of interesting, which is. It's not him doing a bunch of lame tractor jokes. He actually travels around and, like, interviews people. I don't know who makes stuff and do stuff. It's kind of what I think. It's kind of travel log. And he doesn't ham it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Like that show with Jessica Simpson where.

[Adam Carolla]

She traveled around talking about beauty.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

International beauty, whatever it is.

[Brian Bishop]

I know that you recorded all of those shows, right? American Pickers, Pawn Stars, Swamp People. Swamp Bloggers and Swamp People. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of swamp action. The middle.

[Adam Carolla]

The middle. Now, that's weird.

[Brian Bishop]

That does. Well, liberals, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Good show. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Tonight show with Jay Leno.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, beyond that. Yeah, Makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

The Biggest Loser.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he wears a flag on his lapel of his suit. That sucks about it.

[Bobby Collins]

What does he wear on his heart? You know, the old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Look out for the brown acid. What's that? What show?

[Brian Bishop]

Biggest Loser. Hawaii Five Zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, to be fair, I think the right is fatter than the left, and I think they're interested in weight loss.

[Brian Bishop]

That is fair.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate that Biggest Loser show. I cannot.

[Bobby Collins]

One third of all adults.

[Adam Carolla]

Adults now are overbeast because we have crafted a society where you cannot see boobies or butt crack on a beautiful woman. But morbidly obese dudes with huge fucking man tits can stand there with their shirts off getting weighed in, and they'll run the commercials for that shit. Look, it's repugnant. And here's the deal. Either something is offensive to look at, or it's not. It's not about religion for me. I'm an atheist. This guy has huge D cups, and they make him take his fucking shirt off and they run the commercials. And you can't avoid the commercials because you're just watching something else. You're watching the news on the network and you're eating dinner, and the fucking thing just comes flying up. There's a dude with a shirt off. It's not acceptable. It's offensive to me. What's the. Hard to look at?

[Bobby Collins]

It's making you feel better about yourself, seeing that on television.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but it's like seeing that little Vietnamese girl whose clothes were burned off running from Napal. If that fucking makes you feel good about your life, then you're an asshole. And if this makes you feel good about your life, you're a dick. And we have something called standards and practices. They should exercise them. It's offensive. It's hard to watch when you're eating.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's interesting because, you know, surgery shows can show all sorts of things.

[Adam Carolla]

That are shocking too. It's wrong too, but, but the general.

[Brian Bishop]

Rule is what they want to avoid anything that would be titillating to someone.

[Adam Carolla]

If you said, goddammit, you'd be bleeped out.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. So titillating.

[Adam Carolla]

And as I said in my book, when you watch Survivor and the hot model, bikini model is scurrying up the fucking cargo net and a little of her ass crack peaks out, they have to tile it out. That's where an inch of her ass, that's a model's ass crack. They fucking tile it out. This guy's got, got his fucking pantis slopping over the top of his fucking shorts. And that's no problemo. We're obviously retarded as a society. I've said it a million times, we're fucking idiots.

[Brian Bishop]

And also NCIS and the Mentalist.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I knew the Mentalist would be on there.

[Brian Bishop]

Dancing with the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the Mentalist commercial cuz it's like he's standing there and he's like talking to some guy and there's a huge, there's a lipstick stain on his collar that looks like it was put there from a stamp. You know, like somebody took a stamp and just rubbed lipstick on it and pressed it onto his white collar. And it's like the Mentalist knows everything. Cheater. Whoa. You can see that from fucking outer space. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew the Mentalist would have to be on there too.

[Brian Bishop]

Consumer Reports. Americans top holiday dreads. These are things that Americans fear around the holidays. Number 11, 12% of people dread holiday tipping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, you mean like the mailman and stuff?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Although I was actually just thinking about this recently. I was remembering when you live in New York, it's a huge thing. Especially if you live in a building with a lot of doormen and different people. Because you, I mean you always hear, well, they make the majority of their money around this season, so then you're the asshole if you don't give them each a lot of money.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, about 700 from me.

[Adam Carolla]

700 bucks?

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, they're good. Especially if they're good to you. Doorman. There's two porters there's three doormen on a rotation, two quarters. And then the. The super take care of the soup. He gets the 200.

[Adam Carolla]

So he and everyone else gets 100.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah, let's take care of these guys. And when something wrong happens, I live on 70s 12th street in the Village, and something happens, they're right there for you. You. Otherwise, people, they just give them 20 bucks.

[Allison Rosen]

What is a good. What does a good doorman do?

[Brian Bishop]

Open the door for you?

[Bobby Collins]

Well, besides packages. And you come in with your clothes, you know, your dry cleaning. They grab the stuffy, they get the elevator, You. They'll grab your mail, you know, yo, they're good.

[Adam Carolla]

You're up there. Service, you're upstairs banging your guma, right? He talks you, your wife, Your wife comes in. Hey, how's it going? What's the rush? What's the rush? How about we sit down and play a little Connect 4, right? It's a nice day. Then he calls you on the cell phone. The Raven. The Raven has left the nest. Tipping up. Yeah, that's what I gotta tip those guys.

[Bobby Collins]

You always take care of the people that take care of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Having to be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like you could do a lot of cheating in New York. If you're in good with your door.

[Bobby Collins]

Guy, they'll cover your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

And that guy doesn't talk. He's a good straight dude.

[Bobby Collins]

He's paid off.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. That'd be the easiest cheat in the world, right? Cause there's one elevator. There's one door. He's manning it.

[Allison Rosen]

She's not coming to the back door.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I bought.

[Brian Bishop]

But the other one is.

[Bobby Collins]

I bought the apartment that I grew up in. So to me, it's still like going home.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Bobby Collins]

And the doormen, their children are the doorman.

[Adam Carolla]

I could buy the house I grew up in with the change in the ashtray of my Lexus. Right. And that one. What floor are you on?

[Bobby Collins]

The second floor.

[Adam Carolla]

That still works. Yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, it's got good.

[Adam Carolla]

Cheat away, baby.

[Bobby Collins]

And I got a deck. Cheetah deck is huge in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't screw on the deck because that can be seen from the street. Go inside and draw them curtains.

[Brian Bishop]

This is like a deck with plants.

[Bobby Collins]

No, just deck. You could lay out balcony.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay.

[Bobby Collins]

So being nice.

[Brian Bishop]

Having to be nice. 15 of people dread being nice. Having to attend holiday parties or events.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please. That's nice.

[Brian Bishop]

Disappoint. Okay, I'll just. I'll just get through these. Disappointing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm tired. Screw it. If you can't handle going to a holiday party. Fuck yourself. All right, that's it. That's the news. Tired of all of you. I still like my doorman cheater idea with Allison Rosen. Except for later when he tries to extort money out of you.

[Bobby Collins]

They always know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Mangrate. Ah, there's a holiday gift. That's something that wouldn't make your list of complaints. 100% Made in America. Cast iron. 100. 100% Cast Iron Steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. Look at that bad boy. Mangrate. These guys were on early and often. Somebody was just telling me every time. So every time you hand somebody the box, you just hand it to them and they go, jesus Christ, it is so much for $19.99. It's going to get your steaks, your chops, your chicken right up to your steakhouse quality. Just trust me on this one. Believe me, you get the bonus brush with the Adam Corolla show logo in it, and it's all Good. And it's 1999. How can you pass on that? And Amazon? Come on, keep the pirate ship afloat. People gonna buy something from Amazon. Click through our website. Keep. Keep the love. Bobby Collins, everybody. Tell it like it is. Available at bobbycollins.com December 16th only. Papa Chunk at Casino Temecula. Find him on a boat near you and Bobby collins.com and you can Twitter him at Bobby Collinson. Thanks, Adam. Love you, Bobby. Until next time, Adam Carolla for Bald Brian. Bobby Collins and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. I agree with Bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, those Adam Koshow 715.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up next, we have Adam Kishow.

[Allison Rosen]

7 20, featuring the great Christopher Titus.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop, also from 2011. Adam, how say you, Bald Brian? Mm. What's going on?

[Brian Bishop]

Allison Rosenberg was on the receiving end of an aggressive rectal exam.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true.

[Brian Bishop]

Totally true.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Disneyland. Yeah. Yeah. Playing the Anaheim Grove this Thursday the 15th. San Francisco palace of Fine Arts, Phoenix, Orpheum Theater in Vegas, House blues all coming up. Oh, boy. I told you. Last time I was at the California Adventure, I had my daughter on my lap, and they're playing California Dreamin'. And I thought, no, this is the Mamas and the Papas. And I thought, oh, Mackenzie Phillips was on Oprah three weeks ago talking about having consensual sex with her dad.

[Brian Bishop]

What's the theme to incest?

[Allison Rosen]

Consensual.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the underlying word there. It's the operative word. And I just thought it was really. It had been like two months since this revelation. There's nobody in charge of the playlist over there.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think there is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird thing, like, nobody knows.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think there's an incest czar.

[Adam Carolla]

There should be a czar of incest. It's gonna be my gig.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone Greek, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. I have an unfortunate health thing to discuss, and I thought not to do with me, but I thought I'd talk to you guys about your condition. We get a little update on Brian. What's going on with you and your brain tumor? How's that treatment?

[Allison Rosen]

That's so funny. Christopher Titus is here. He walked in the studio early and he's like, hey, man, how you doing? How you feeling? And he's like. So he says what a lot of people say. He's like, so, you in the clear or, you know, you all good or whatever? And so many people say that to me, like, at live shows. And it's really well intentioned because, you know, I sound so much better than I did at, you know, my worst point. And I'm getting around so much better. But unfortunately, I'll probably never be, quote, unquote, cured. You know what I mean? I'll never be rid of, whatever, what ails me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we have a hallmark, sort of one hour special version of everything where you're either in. You're either dead or you're alive. And if you're alive, you're Ben vereen in the 60s, you know, but they don't realize this is. Yeah. Something not getting hit by a car on pch. Is that him? The point is, this is something you have to live with. I don't know, like diabetes. You have to sort of control it and live with it and work with it and stay on top of it and monitor it. And thank God there are these drugs that are at least keeping it from growing the tumor, that is.

[Allison Rosen]

The tumor is under control. I get scans every three months, and I'm down to once a month on my infusions, which is great news. It's much improved. Thank you to everyone who asks. I very much appreciate it. And, yeah, I'll never be in the clear, like, so to speak. Like, next 10 years gonna be smooth sailing. But I feel great. I'm doing great, and, you know, it's all you can sort of what it was, which is Titus asked me how I was doing. I said, hey, as good as I can reasonably hope for hope or expect to be. And he kind of laughs like, what does that mean I was like, well, I mean, realistically, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be doing at this. I didn't think I'd be here at this point in my life. You know what I mean? So, yes, doing much better than probably had any right to be.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, this is not so much hyperbole, because as soon as I got off the phone with Paul Bryan, what, two years ago, two and a half years ago, I got on the phone with Dr. Drew and Dr. Bruce, and when I gave him the tumor and the location and where it was and what it was called, they both gave a. Ooh, boy. It's sort of. They gave the same answer that the guy gave on Defending youg Life when Albert Brooks said he had nine days to review nine pies. Yeah, I'm gonna give you a pie for every day. You know, when he went, how many days you have here in Judgment City? Judgment City? He's like, I have nine days.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a recurring joke, too, because everyone would ask, and they'd be like, oh, four days, five days ago. I remember nine days ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was Dr. Drew and Dr. Bruce were like, ooh, that's a bad one. And. And it is. And there was this bad math that I was doing. They said, well, if it stops growing or it doesn't grow, then he might be okay, but if it grows, it's a death sentence. And I said, well, obviously it's growing because he's symptomatic, and that's why it's causing these symptoms. Blurred vision or slurred speech or whatever. So it is moving. And they said, ooh, that's bad, because it's hard to stop to get that one to move. Now, I think they were kind of back probably before the wonder drug or before whatever, some of these guys. I mean, I know as a carpenter that half the stuff I learned 15 years ago, there's things that are newer that I haven't quite caught up with now. And I think there's a little element of that, because evidently, when they were. When this was 1989, that was just a death sentence. When they were in their practice and Drew's in college. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Med school. So you know what it also is, Adam? It's your analogy always about A's in the worldwide statistics.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I think when Drew and Bruce and all the doctors who don't specialize in this thing hear the statistics, they're hearing the across the board stats, they're hearing. I'M lumped in with the 65 year old, 75 year old guy or woman who lives. I was not near a good medical facility. I'm in a world class medical facility out here in Los Angeles and doesn't have access to that and maybe is in poor health anyway. And I was in really good health. So a number of factors probably contributing to.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably. But they knew the tumor and they knew where it was located. And Dr. Bruce's sister had the same tumor.

[Allison Rosen]

Has.

[Adam Carolla]

Has. Sorry, the same tumor.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I mean, it's important because she's been around for eight or 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Or whatever it's been. Right. But it hasn't made a move in a while. But when it makes a move, that's where the trouble comes. It's hard to treat. And this was on the move. So it was a bad math of, well, if it's moving, it's a death sentence. And I was basically saying, well, it is moving. And that was the problem. Alison, your health issues, let's talk about that.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah, mine are not at all as severe as Brian's situation, but. Eat more pussy. I had mentioned that I have. So I have a family history of ovarian cancer. So I went in for a couple screening tests thinking that it would be totally clean bill of health. I don't know why I thought that. I think because I've just never had surgery or never been in the hospital. I've always been very lucky in that way. I did have to have my wisdom teeth out. That was the biggest ordeal I had faced. Anyway, I recently was on the receiving end of an aggressive rectal exam. Oh, you're jumping ahead in the story when the man wore me like a puppet. So anyway, I have some ovarian sick and they have to go. And then they also did a blood test and it was elevated for this cancer marker. But there's always other reasons that that test can be elevated. So they have to go in and find out what that. And take the cysts out and find out what is going on. But since then.

[Adam Carolla]

Can they use the front door this time, for Christ's sake?

[Brian Bishop]

No, they have to go through the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see, they're going Kool Aid on you.

[Brian Bishop]

Laparoscopy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I call it. Going Kool Aid. Oh, why is it called hey, Kool Aid? Just going through the wall, man.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like they're using crazy straws.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you have to picture the Kool Aid guy. Kool Aid busted a wall.

[Allison Rosen]

Aid shakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry. I'm a little slow. Anyway, though, the good news is that since I had first talked about this on the show, I had a test, and there's a genetic marker for. If you have the mutation, then it means you have an increased risk of cancer. And I don't have that mutation, which I had a 5050 chance having, and I don't have it. So now people are less worried about cancer, but they still have to do the surgery, and I'm not looking forward to that, but I think I'll be fine. Although I might be down an ovary.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, sorry. We'll get Gina Grant in here. All right, so keep us posted. Tell us when that's happening. When is that happening?

[Brian Bishop]

27 December.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. It's a weird one. There's this thing in all. Maybe it's just a showbiz thing, but once you get to the 15th, it's like there's no conversations until the next year.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing happens.

[Brian Bishop]

And then you tried to book it, and I said, no, I'm in show business. You don't understand. I shut down for that time.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I just. I mean, it's fine, but I don't know, there's something about just that end of the year thing that just makes it so. It's. So we'll do it in 2012 or something. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Alison, what do you say to people when, like, people like, you know, our mom's age who are filling out forms like. And they're like, what do you do for a living?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's a good one, actually. That's a good one. I used to write. Usually I write writer, but then for some reason on the last one, I wrote down performer. And then when the doctor was explaining the recovery to me, he's like, now, I gather you're a performer of some sort. So the recovery, it's really going to depend on your tolerance of pain. But I find that, you know, like, with athletes, usually you're used to withstanding a lot of pain. And it didn't make any sense to me till I realized I wrote performer. He probably thinks I juggle.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no aphenu.

[Brian Bishop]

You can go on the form where.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't have to explain either what a podcast is or no one for a radio station. It's Internet. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

There's no avenue. You want to read the word I wrote down there 10 seconds earlier?

[Brian Bishop]

Juggler. Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote that down about 25 seconds before you said juggler.

[Brian Bishop]

Were you staring at my ovaries.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you ever said, be a juggler on this show?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I never have. Why did you write that down? That's so bizarre.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna tell you about my friend Philip the Juggler, and I just wrote down the juggler.

[Brian Bishop]

That's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you went juggle thought I probably thought I juggled.

[Brian Bishop]

We are on the same juggling wavelength.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. Like when I got arrested at the McCarran Airport and the guy was sweating me in the room and he yelled, what do you do for a living? And I was like. Like, it all flashed, you know? Like I said, I was never going to do the comedian because. Oh, funny boy. Not laughing so hard anymore. Maybe. Maybe your Jew friend Sarah Silverman or Dana Gould could get. Maybe they know an attorney could get you out. They probably wouldn't know who they were. So I just sat there and went, multi hyphening. And the guy went. The guy went, you don't know what you do. And then I just shouted, carpenter. Is that what I could talk about? Yeah. Philip the Juggler. Oh, man, you've heard me talk about this dude before. That's him at his second wedding. That would be a probably 26, 27 year old me on the left side and Philip looking like Matthew McConaughey on the right. Philip is. Or Rob Schneider. Philip is and was a dear, dear friend of mine. And Philip was one of these in between dudes. Because I knew that there were guys from the old neighborhood I knew growing up in North Hollywood. The Rays and the Chris and the Donnys and all the guys I grew up with. And then there's the newer show, Busy Friends, sort of. Well, I was about to say Jimmy, but I wasn't really in show business when I met Jimmy. But they're the guys I know that are in showbiz. And then there's the old school, whatever. Philip the Juggler. He's the guy whose wedding I went to. And his best man shook everyone down for the money he bought. Paid for. For the bachelor party. And it's a long story, but Philip was this really sweet guy and a really sweet soul, and he lived out here and he went off and opened for Andy Williams. He was a juggler. He would do. He had a. It was like almost vaudevillian. He would get up on stage on a unicycle and he did comedy. He did the comed comedy juggling. And he'd get this. You know, he'd get the machetes and he crazy see the Guy up on a. Up on a unicycle, up on stage juggling machetes. And he was not really a comedian. He was just a guy who people liked and he made him smile and he made a nice living. But he wasn't a celebrity. He was a performer. The juggler.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And he went off to Branson, Missouri, to open for Andy Williams at the Andy Williams Theater. And he made good money and he had a great life. And he's how he knew we're talking about cruising the other day. He'd go out on these cruises for eight days and have to work like two days. And I was always like, oh, man, oh, man. Because I wasn't in show business when I met Philip. But Philip was always great to me. And he's always like, you're super funny. You're gonna be fine. And I was just a carpenter the whole time. And he'd get these gigs, like Andy Williams would go to Palm Springs and he'd invite me out and we'd stay at La Quinta. And I'd be backstage drinking free Heinekens and eating free food, you know, and staying at La Quinta. And he went to. One time he was booked at the Caesars in Caesars, Tahoe. And I flew out there and then we drove back through Yosemite and just listened to the Doors the entire time. The stretch of highway, by the way, if anyone hasn't done it, the stretch of highway from Tahoe through Yosemite is unbelievable. And when you're hearing this is the end playing in Philip's Philips Toyota, it is mind numbing. Anyway, Philip I hadn't seen in a while. He came out and stayed. Him and his wife came out and stayed with me. Been almost eight or ten years now. And I had lost contact with him. And I thought he was just in Branson doing his thing. And I got an email from somebody who knew them and knew me and said his wife was trying to contact me but didn't have a new contact for me and blah, blah, blah. And so I called her the day before yesterday. Her name is Susan. And that was his sort of. I don't say new bride, but they married 15 years ago. And she said, well, Philip's ill and Philip. Philip has this sort of dementia. And Philip has maybe Alzheimer's or dementia or something. No, Philip is right at 10 years older than I am. But Philip was always in great shape. Always just had these great genes. Was just one of these guys, looked good in his underpants because I bunked with him Enough to see him in his underpants. And you know, he's one of these guys that was just. He was just good looking. Like he didn't have. He just. He was symmetrical, well built. Guy rode a unicycle and juggled machetes, for Christ's sake. And so I was like. So I'd heard through a couple of emails that he was having a hard time and was having difficulty with dementia and what have you. He didn't do any drugs, he wasn't a drinker, he was a social drinker, but he didn't do no head trauma or anything like that. And so I called his wife Susan and I said, so, what's going on with Philip? And she said, well, well, he's now, he's at a home now. He's living in this assisted care situation. And I said, well. So I started thinking, well, I don't think he's gonna remember me, but maybe I should go visit him. He's in Kansas City and bring some pictures and sit down with him. And she's like, he can't talk, he cannot speak, he can't take care of himself. He can't clean himself, he can't go to the bathroom.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he have a.

[Adam Carolla]

Just this crazy severe dementia that just set in. And it's like.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it organic, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's like, what's the prognosis? And it's like there's nothing. He's supposed to have died six months ago and he's still alive. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Is she about his age?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, a sheep trying to keep it together. She's younger and. I'm sorry. I knew how to do this. He was just such a. He was just such a guy that was such a life force and I hadn't seen him, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

When was the last time you talked?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like he was over at my house. We were eating sushi. You know, he was going on. On cruise ships and, you know, performing and doing everything.

[Allison Rosen]

It turned to something else.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, thanks. Then it turned and now it's like he doesn't talk, he doesn't walk, he doesn't do anything. He's, you know, he's a vegetable basically. And I said, well, what's the deal? Well, he's supposed to be dead, but now they think maybe he's going to go on, but there's no long term anything. He's just. No, he wouldn't be able to communicate. And his wife has such a great spirit. I'm like, wow. Because she had to take care of him. And she's like, I'm just thankful for the years that we had. She's not bitter, she's not upset, she's not cursing God or anyone else else. She's just like, I'm so thankful that he came into my life. And I just thought, God, what a woman. I mean, and it made me think, you know, we all should adopt that. I mean, we all should. You know, she's like, we had 15 great years together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I thank God that he came into my life and that's where I'm at with it. And I was like, wow, wow. So I'm going to try to get out and see him. But there's, you know, he's not going to know me, obviously, and he's not going to be able to communicate with me. But I was sort of prepared for him not being able to remember me, you know, But I didn't know he was completely just gone. And really it's worse than being gone because this could go on for 10 years of just complete nothing. She doesn't want that either. But it's so weird because I was out of touch and they weren't able to get hold of me and I was not able to get these little incremental updates. It was so sudden for me. I was like, you know, he was, you know, Mr. Life of the party. Mr. Good looking, Mr. You know, he wasn't an accountant for a law firm or something. He was a juggler. He was a unicycle riding, juggling performer who.

[Allison Rosen]

Absurd.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Loved to have fun and just had this great spirit and just magnanimous and just easy and friendly and, you know, he was one of these guys who, when I met him, he was, you know, in show business and I was a struggling carpenter and I marveled at his life and what he did and all the travel and they got to, oh, I'd go see him in Las Vegas, go open for Andy, Johnny Mathis. And he'd take me backstage, take a picture with Johnny Mathis and all this stuff. And then at a certain point I got much more successful than he did. But he always just enjoyed it. Like he never held a grudge or was like, you know, some people get catty about, you know, I was here first, you know, I did. Now you've passed me and now we're not talking anymore. He was always. He loved it, he loved my success. So just a great spirit that will be missed. And his wife is Susan. It's just an angel.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they have Any kids?

[Adam Carolla]

No. And that's the. I guess that's the good news about this whole thing. And, you know, the moral of the story is you don't have to be a chain smoker and you don't have to get into a motorcycle accident and you don't have to play a lot of high school football or anything. It's just shit happens. And it's not always based on anything. Sometimes it's based on something we love to do. Did he sleep with the TV on? You know what? Did he.

[Allison Rosen]

I got a ton of that when I was diagnosed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you live under this?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Drink this.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Because everyone would have. Everyone would have one, right? Nope. That's just. It's just, you know, once in a while when they do that one out of a thousand people, you gotta be that one or you gotta know that one or you have to be close to that one.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm starting to regard it sort of like jury duty, and eventually it just is your turn to deal with this kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So that was just really bothering me. So I'd say we wish him well, but there's no. There's no coming back. There's nothing to do at this point. I'm gonna. I'm gonna check with his wife and see, you know, what they. If she needs anything. And we'll see and we'll keep you guys posted. But that's the. There's no.

[Allison Rosen]

We can help. I mean, if she. Do you know anything about her living situation?

[Adam Carolla]

She's a professional, and she lives in Kansas City and she's doing. She was a professional before she met Philip, and she's sort of maintained her job. And I think she's doing okay for herself. She's smart, she's resourceful, and she's tough. And like I said, she was a professional. And so I think she's doing okay. But I'm going to check because this is just. Oy, boy. You should not wish this upon your worst enemy in terms of a relationship, because this.

[Brian Bishop]

She's in a holding pattern.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's been going on for 10 years, like, slowly. Well, you know, it starts with, geez, what's that guy's name? And then, where are my keys? And then it starts turning into, you know, being misdiagnosed. And the next thing you know, you're. They can't work anymore and you're taking care of them at home. And then at a certain point, you have to make the decision that they need to go into an assistant living situation because you can't bathe them and clean them and take care of them and. Hey, boy, boy, listen. We should all live to 80 and then be just cleaned out doing a base jumping stunt where the chute doesn't open, for the love of Christ. Whoo. You got some news. I'm gonna pull it together before we get Titus in here. Yeah. Oh, God.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you guys bond unicycling?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it was weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he teach you, or is that just.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I always could ride the unicycle, and he could always ride the unicycle, but we never. I never. I probably jumped on his backstage a time or two, but it was never. Guys who can ride the unicycle are not very impressed by other guys who can ride the unicycle.

[Brian Bishop]

The unicycler's code.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I thought, what a day it must have been like.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I do remember distinctly one time me going over to his condo in Reseda and saying, philip, you have to teach me how to juggle. Cause I gotta make some fucking money in show business. And if you could teach me just some basic juggling, I could already ride the unicycle. I already have a sense of humor. Then I could open for Andy Williams.

[Allison Rosen]

How many times have that phrase has been uttered? You gotta teach me how to juggle?

[Adam Carolla]

I think I said, gots. You gots to teach me how to juggle. He has to know how to juggle. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Did he?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, he tried. We went. You know me. I spent two hours and went, fuck it. I'm doing another open mic, Mike. I'm gonna try to be funny. Yeah. It was his bachelor party, where that was the one, famously, where his best man paid for all the food and paid for the restaurant, paid for the strip club and all that kind of stuff. And then at Philip's wedding, he commandeered Philip's accountant and told him to walk around and collect money from everybody for the bachelor party. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. And that picture you can [e-mail] is from that wedding. All right, I've got it together now. Let's do it. News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Christopher Titus]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip It Cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

On Saturday night at the debate in Des Moines, Mitt Romney offered to Bet Rick Perry $10,000 that he was wrong about Romney flip flopping on something and we have the video.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, uncomfortable. I'm just saying you refer individual mandates, my friend. You know what, you raised that before, Rick, and you're simply. It was true then.

[Bobby Collins]

No, no, it's true now, Rick.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll, I'll tell you what. 10,000 bucks. $10,000 bet.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm not in the betting business, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'll show you this.

[Christopher Titus]

I'll show you the book.

[Adam Carolla]

I've got the book. And we'll show it.

[Brian Bishop]

So now there's fallout because people are saying that this bet shows that Romney is rich and out of touch with the regular Americans.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how about when kids bet you a billion dollars or gazillion or a.

[Brian Bishop]

Million bucks, they're out of touch with the American voting public as well. Gillion, don't let. Yeah, but seeking to counter this image.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't make your point. Like, you can't go, all right, the average American makes 42 or $47,000 a year. The average bet is usually one week of one year salary. So that would be, you know, that would be $871.50. You got to go $10,000 because you're trying to make a point. That's the point of the bet. The point is I will bet more than I. Because I'm that sure of this.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not making an investment. He's making a point.

[Adam Carolla]

He's making a point. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

But to try to counter this image that he has of being elite and super polished, he told an audience about how he had to defecate in a bucket while working.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, she got my vote.

[Allison Rosen]

Pulled the Corolla.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. While working as a Mormon missionary.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that Grateful Dead song.

[Brian Bishop]

While working as a Mormon missionary in France as a young man, he said a number of the apartments I lived in when I lived there didn't have toilets. Toilets we had instead the little pads on the ground. Okay. You know how that works. All right. There was a chain behind you with a bucket. It was a bucket affair. I had not experienced one of those in the United States. Most of the apartments I lived in had no refrigerators. So apparently shit in the refrigerator. I don't recall any of them having a refrigerator. We shot before every meal. Most of the apartments I lived in had no shower or bathtub. In some cases there were buildings that had showers. You go in, you pay a couple of friends and you could get a shower. We do that once a week.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not helping.

[Brian Bishop]

Or if we were lucky, we actually bought a hose and we stuck it in the sink, and we'd hold it there with the hose and the big bucket underneath us in the kitchen and wash ourselves that way. I hope it wasn't the same bucket we crapped in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Collins]

So.

[Brian Bishop]

And then people are. And. And also fact checkers are saying that Perry was wrong. Perry would have lost the bet.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he would have. So Mitt would have won.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's why. Why 10,000 bucks again? I've said it a million times. What the fuck's the problem with being rich? And why do rich people have to pretend like they're not rich? It used to be this. I mean, I understand if you're walking through a shitty neighborhood, you don't want to look like the Monopoly man because you don't want to get robbed. But this thing where people are going to hate you if you're rich, Fuck you. I mean, really? Is that really what we've come to? You're going to get resented because people will resent you. Well, first they'll envy you, then they'll resent you, then they'll hate you because you make money. We're going nuts with this, and it's only been in, like, the last 10 minutes.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I think that the thing. And you've made this point before, that the only thing that should matter when we elect someone is are they smart? Can they do the job like we should have a presidential app? However, I think most people vote on an emotional level, and they. They vote for themselves. Essentially. They want to relate to the.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the fact that rich people have to pretend they're not rich in 2011.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. And I'm talking about why it would be bad for a candidate to appear rich. I get what you're saying, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Some of these guys come from privilege. I mean, you know, look, Dr. Drew comes from privilege. But that privilege helped him go to a good college, and that privilege helped him go to med school, and then that privilege educated him, and that privilege taught him humanity.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's my vote.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And that privilege then helps him help other people. I don't wanna hold that privilege against Dr. Drew. I come from a shitty family. Dr. Drew comes from a good family who was very interested in education, his dad's a doctor, so on and so forth. Should we punish Dr. Drew because his dad made money and could afford to go to college? Well, that's kind of how it works sometimes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying he's good because he went to College or because his dad was rich. It's sort of neither here nor there. You will judge him based on. Done it on his own merits. I mean, maybe your parents are rich or maybe they're poor. Let's just peel your onion and figure it out. Why do we have to. Oh, that guy's dead. He's rich. We're so fucking nuts with this money thing these days. Look, some people have money, some people don't. I have bad news for you, y' all sitting down. The people with the money, usually smarter than the people that don't. Oh. Oh, how can he? And not only are they smart, they work harder.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, people also hate smart people.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart people that say they're smart, yes, they're usually smarter, they usually work harder, and they usually have a plan. Now, sometimes it's Daddy's money, but that's not the case nine times out of 10. Maybe it is. Maybe it is. Two times out of 10, but I'd say the lion's share. And by the way, you can squander Daddy's money. It's pretty easy to squander Daddy's money. Most of the time, the people I know who are successful busted their fucking ass to get there. And now they have to put on the flip flops and the Maverick shirt and the cargo shorts and pretend like they didn't do a thing and pretend like they're just like everyone else and pretend like they're poor because they don't want to get shit on by envious people. Well, fuck you. These people work hard and. And I don't know what these candidates do. All I know is everyone's scared shitless to act like they have money now, and I ain't digging that. This country was built on people wanting to make money. Now you go, what? Built on. Well, not built on wanting to stuff your mattress with cash. It was built on wanting to have your business go from 10 employees to 20 employees and your franchise to go from. From 10 Taco Bells to 20 Taco Bells to 50 Taco Bells. That's what this whole country is built on. And if you take a look at a lot of other countries, and especially if you take a look at anything that has to do with communism or socialism, that's one big flat line. Our country is one big. He started with one food cart. You know, he had one. You know, he had one green grocer, one apple cart, and he turned that into one of the biggest green grossing outlets, whatever, in North America, with everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Start off with one hot dog and one Stick.

[Adam Carolla]

One hot dog and one stick and one plunger to make lemonade.

[Brian Bishop]

One little lemon wedge earring.

[Adam Carolla]

One orange. No, Julius. It all started with this person had one of these things, and then it never started with, well, the guy came over from his native wherever on a boat with tons of money and a whole bunch of franchises under his belt. Now, it always started with one, and then they built. So was it to try to get rich? I don't know. Was it to move forward and you got rich along the way? I don't know. It's a chicken or the egg kind of thing. I don't know if these people are thinking, I want to get rich or they're thinking, I want to be successful and I want to have more franchise this year than I had the year before.

[Allison Rosen]

I think the problem might be people who were born into wealth versus people who. Who gained their wealth and worked for their wealth. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, the amount of people that are born into it is much smaller than what we portray as a society. Yeah, we look at Paris Hilton and go, oh, okay, yeah. Her hair with her little teacup poodle showing up on all the red carpets. Everything. But the lion's share of the successful success stories in this country are people busting their hump and throughout the world. And if it's not them, it's just their dad who had nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree with you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's barely one person, one generation removed.

[Allison Rosen]

But in terms of political candidates, like. And this just seems like the perception to me, like, they're all. I think the perception is they're blue bloods and they were born into it and they didn't work for the money. You know what I mean? I mean, they watch, they're smart, and they work hard and blah, blah, blah. But it's more if you're born into a wealthy lifestyle, maybe you don't have the perspective, you know what I mean? That someone who worked for it, started rags or riches type thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's all about, well, first off, why is it. I mean, there are people. Look, I was born into nothing, and I never learned a fucking thing about money. It was never discussed. Why should I know about money? We didn't have any. It'd be like studying chinchillas. We didn't own a chinchilla. Why should I be a chinchilla expert? So there are two types of born into money. There's the Hilton sisters, and then there's what a lot of other people do, which is they take their sons, they bring them up, they Teach it is. I mean, say what you want about Donald Trump, his dad was a hard driving real estate guy who got him, sent him to business school and he did real estate in, I don't know, Long island or something. And Trump went into Manhattan to do real estate. And yeah, his dad taught him, you're gonna have to sweep and clean the toilets on my properties when you're 10 years old and all that kinds of. We just look at that guy. Ah, he's a big sack of wind, big blowhard, big. Ah, fuck daddy's money and all that kind of stuff. No, his dad taught him real estate and his dad taught him him to bust his ass and he went off and became more successful than that. So is it bad that Trump's dad had real estate or knew real estate or taught him about money or taught him about business or. I don't know, I mean, does that, should we hate Trump because he was born to a guy who was hardworking and started a business?

[Brian Bishop]

Not when there are so many other good reasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's not like he sits around and just does coke all day and, and puts on a disco ball and does a roller bogey dance. He fuck, he's out busting his ass. I mean, you can say whatever you want about him, but his dad having money doesn't make him not know about money, it makes him know more about money.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, earlier you mentioned that if you're going through a bad neighborhood, you don't wanna look like the Monopoly man. Cause you'll be a target. I wanna know what is it about that look that would make you a target? Is it the suit? Is it the shortness? Is it the fact the Europe carrying sacks with dollar signs on them, a.

[Adam Carolla]

Giant mustache, a perfectly round head? Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it's a cane as well. He doesn't have the money sacks. I forgot I was confusing him.

[Adam Carolla]

For a guy who uses a cane, he seems to move pretty well.

[Brian Bishop]

He looks awfully spry.

[Adam Carolla]

He looks spry.

[Brian Bishop]

He's on one foot and does a heel.

[Allison Rosen]

He's falling.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's like that guy from the Magic Mountain commercial from a few years ago. Oh yeah, Swifty Lazar glasses. He used to freak me.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a very catchy jingle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Look, here's the thing. You can be good from rich or bad from rich. You can be bad from poor or good from poor. I find that most people come from money, usually understand it a little better because they have dads that are focused and hard working. And we've just decided there was something about the silver spoon in your mouth, and we just write you off, and we're like, get the hell out of here. Of here. And I completely disagree with that. And by the way, let's just use your math. I know plenty of fucking idiots from the Valley whose parents are fucking retarded. Never told them how to balance a checkbook. Never taught him the value of hard work or studying or anything. They just got divorced and lived in separate apartments in North Hollywood. Should they be president? Should we vote for Ray?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

That would be fun.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, everyone in Mexico is poor. Does that make you noble? Does that mean you know something about finance or real estate or foreign policy?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it doesn't. Okay. The Kennedys were rich, were they not? But good rich, right?

[Brian Bishop]

The good rich. You're right. There is a whole category of good rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there is.

[Brian Bishop]

That was back before everyone knew every detail about everything. Moral judgments, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. They're like the ladies, but so be it.

[Brian Bishop]

So Lowe's, the home improvement store, is facing a backlash after the retail giant pulled ads from a reality show about American Muslims. Lowe's stopped advertising on TLC's All American Muslim after a conservative group known as the Florida Family association complained, saying the program was, quote, propaganda that riskily hides the Islamic agenda's clear and present danger to American liberties and traditional value. The show premiered last month and chronicles the lives of five families from Dearborn, Michigan, a Detroit suburb with large Muslim and Arab American population. A Michigan congressman spoke out against the company's decision Sunday, saying Lowe's is upholding the beliefs of a fringe hate group. Representative Keith Ellison also said Lowe's is choosing to disregard the First Amendment. So people are all. All angry about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Is Gene Hackman the voice of Lowe's?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's build something together.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is that him?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

But what they're building is hate. Un American hate. So Lowe's came out and, depending on what article you read, either defended or apologized. Defended their decision, or apologized about their decision, saying they issued a statement apologizing for having, quote, managed to make some people very unhappy. Quote, individuals and groups have strong political and societal views on this topic, and this program became a lightning rod for many of those views. As a result, we did pull our advertising on this program. We believe it is best to respectfully defer to communities, individuals, and groups to discuss and consider such issues of importance.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. Who gives a shit?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, Gene Hackney hasn't made a Comeback. He's been gone for, like, almost 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Has he?

[Allison Rosen]

I think the last movie did was welcome to Mooseport.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? That was a long time ago. Let's not have that be the last thing on the resume. He's going to go out like John Campbell and have, like. Remember John Mother movie.

[Allison Rosen]

What didn't he do?

[Adam Carolla]

No, his last movie was like, the Settlers going across the country.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no. Wagons East.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

With Richard Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

Something like that. So, so bad. How dare you.

[Brian Bishop]

Here's the thing. Advertisers just want to stay away from anything controversial or political, it seems.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, they just want out. I mean, they don't want any trouble. That's. That's how advertisers work. And when they hear any kind of trouble at all, they just start heading the other way. It's kind of like, you know when you're in a restaurant, you're looking for a table and you see a couple that's fighting.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just go, fuck it. I need to start heading the other direction.

[Brian Bishop]

I actually just piss myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, even if they're not having a big fight, but they're having one of those. Like, they had that at an airport. Line. Line. We're coming out of Denver something. And we had the. I walked into the security line behind the couple that did the. I didn't leave it in the car. You left it in the car. I'm not even so sure it's in the car. Oh, if it's not in the car. Well, then it's at home. Okay. Well, if it's at home and then we're totally screwed.

[Brian Bishop]

We're not talking about their child, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. I didn't want to ask what. What it was, but it was like. And there was a lot of. Well, it would. Look, if it's in the car now, then I'll go get it. But if it's not, I'm saving myself a trip right now. And it started getting a little bit heated. A couple that's been together too long and just doesn't give a fuck anymore. So I feel like that's probably my parents. Yeah. I didn't.

[Bobby Collins]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

It's exciting. I did not want to be, be, be in that one. Thankfully, the guy went out to the parking lot to go look for whatever. I didn't know because I ended up looking at my boarding pass and it had, like, an executive status on it. And we hurried out of that one line and got into the other line. Line.

[Brian Bishop]

Now that brings up Two things I'm wondering about. Fighting in front of strangers and fighting in front of friends or family. Your views on it, do you try to keep that to a behind closed thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my family. I never see my family. I mean, there's no. They can't really. You can't fight in front of my family because then you just have to get into a huge fight on Thanksgiving once a year. It's not like they're my fam. I don't see my family really, but I'll go over to their house and fight with them on occasion. But that's not fighting in front of them.

[Brian Bishop]

That's not fighting. I mean, couple fighting.

[Adam Carolla]

The couple fighting I will do in front of the nanny because also it's nice, because then when Lynette storms out of the room, I can turn to the nanny and go, in your village, would they put up with this shit? There's no fucking way you'd put up with this shit in your village. Village. She's from Nicaragua. It's kind of condescending. Oh, no, wait. She's from a. Oh, fuck. I'll find out where she's from. You know, people do request the Mijos, maybe give the mijos.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you know, I don't even. I've only heard about the Mijos.

[Adam Carolla]

She's from Guatemala, I think. Sorry. Yeah, the Mijos.

[Allison Rosen]

I think Adam's gonna come on soon, but by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I will do. Let's wrap the news for now.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Pro flowers, baby. Yeah, you gotta get yourself some proflowers. Such great deals these guys have. I mean, you go to their website and it's just flowers. Used to be a hundred bucks. I mean, a florist is 100 bucks. 110 bucks for, like, roses and all that stuff. Proflowers. You walk out there with that whole website for that kind of money. 800 proflowers mention Ace, if you will, and you can save some money. Also, you can go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner, and type in ace. They just worked it out. I don't know. It's not catch as catch can anymore. They show up, they're in a box, you pop them open, you put them in a vase, put a little water, put the little packet of curry sauce or seasoning or whatever in there.

[Brian Bishop]

Sour cocaine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Keeps those things going for a couple of weeks. And beautiful flowers are up all night. Around the holidays especially, that is proflowers.com Miho, bring Titus in here in a minute. Miho was Adam De la Pena. Adam De la Pena got a job for the Man Show. We would hire people based on their ability to play softball. And then there's a couple other factors in there. And De la Pena came in, he was just like, chubby Mexican guy and he was goofy. And Adam De la Pena came in and he said, I showed you both Hawaiian shirts. And we said, you got us Hawaiianers? No, no, no. I showed you. I made these Hawaiian shirts for you two. And we were like, all right, well, you're in. Like, we don't need to look at any riding samples. You showed us Hawaiian shirts.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. House is opening.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess Jimmy and I knew we'd be riding most of show anyway, so it was like. But we needed to write. We could hire riding staff. So we just wanted to hire people that were good at softball and sewed Hawaiian shirts and stuff like that.

[Brian Bishop]

You need a wardrobe assistant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If they were funny, that was a plus. But it wasn't a moss. And so De la Pena, I used to do this thing. I don't know where the fuck it even came from, but I would call him Mijo. And. And I think he was like the junior writer. And since I couldn't type, I. I got hooked up with Miho. And I would go into his cubicle or the writer room and I would just dictate my. My scripts. And he would just be typing away on it. And we used to have to entertain ourselves over there on the Man Show. And we'd do a lot of. I'd do this for the writers. I would do my three Mihos. And eventually it got up to like five. But I was the middle aged, slightly heavyset Hispanic mom who I believe was coming home from the market and finding she found that her beloved son, Miho.

[Allison Rosen]

She calls out to the son.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Had met with Trent. She doesn't know that. I know, I know. But I'm setting the table. So the first Miho is when she comes through the front door. Because groceries, groceries in hand, comes through the front door, groceries in hand, announcing she's home, ready to make a nice meal. So she comes through the front door. Mi ha. That's the first Mijo. Now she starts looking around, realizes the sun's gone down, the street, lights are on, but there are no lights on in the house. How come Mijo hasn't turned the lights on? It's still dark.

[Allison Rosen]

The familiar sound of rancheros music Is not playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's usually blaring Ranchermi, isn't he? She starts to head up the stairs, still holding the grocery race. Second Mijo. Mijo. Not sure. Is he there? Is he in the house? Has he met with foul play? Then the third Miho, now this is the pov, walks into Miho's bedroom. We just see the feet dangling, swinging, swinging. Drops the. And I don't know how you do this, but drops the groceries in slow motion. You see the eggs hit the ground in slow motion and lets out the final. Mijo. Miho. And then later on, there was a fourth Miho that was added when she has a moment at his coffin before they're putting him into the ground where he's laying there propped up in a suit with his makeup on. And she just, you know, puts his. Puts her hand, you know, on his. On his chest and does. Those were the four Mijos. I think there may have been.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember the fifth?

[Adam Carolla]

There was a fifth.

[Allison Rosen]

It was weeks later.

[Adam Carolla]

Weeks.

[Allison Rosen]

She's walking down the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, she's walking down the street and. Whoa. It's a familiar.

[Allison Rosen]

She sees something that reminds her of him. Like someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Riding the same bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sees a familiar. Hears a familiar song. Sees someone who looks like Kim.

[Allison Rosen]

The car drives by with the. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

With the familiar song playing. Brian will cook it up. Yeah, Those are the five Miho's. Yeah, it started with three Miho's, but eventually it got up to five. Those are the five Miho's, everyone. And we'll get De La Pena on here to talk about whatever the hell he's working on. I think an animated show. Christopher Tyler, Good people. Christopher Titus is waiting to come on and we will not disappoint and make them wait any longer. Chris Titus next.

[Bobby Collins]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Titus in studio. The DVD box set. Get a real Job, Numb Nuts. Also, by the way, includes all four stand up specials over six hours of Titus. That is a lot of Titus now out [e-mail] website Christopher Titus.com, podcast Titus. Podcast.com Titus ran into a little controversy, I guess, last time I think you were on stage with us over Irvine Improv.

[Christopher Titus]

I was Irvine. I crack off a joke and next thing I know, Bill O'Reilly's calling me a pinhead on television. Did you know that actually? And made television. What was the joke you said they played? Remember the brain fart that Sarah Palin had? The one about Paul Revere?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Christopher Titus]

He's shooting the guns and ringing the bells and he warned The British. That the British were coming. And my seven year old goes, dad, that's not what happened. And I said, so you guys played it. You played it. And when I came back, I said, man, if she's elected president, I'm reserving a spot on the grassy knoll. That was pretty much it. AUDIENCE LAUGHS Move on. The next day, the Fox blog picks it up. The headline is, Christopher Titus threatens to assassinate Sarah Paul Palin.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of. There's two versions of this. The right has the, you know, you're threatening to assassinate Sir Palin. The left is, you're racist, you're homophobic, you're xenophobic, you're anti black, Hispanic, whatever, You're comedian and you're trying to make jokes. And I've said this. Until you buy a hunting rifle or until I put on a Klan ho, were comedians. Remember when you had to earn your status as a racist or as an assassin?

[Christopher Titus]

Who says I'm a racist?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm the racist.

[Christopher Titus]

No, look, if you walked into a building that says comedy on the outside and you paid money, we get a fucking pass. If we're on that stage making jokes, Tracy Morgan gets in trouble. And by the way, if you paid to see a Tracy Morgan show, you deserve what you got. If you had any concern, Tracy Morgan's half insane. Tracy Morgan has a guy that traveled with him that feeds him vegetables so Tracy Morgan doesn't die. And he's funny as shit. But people walked in, and I don't understand that. People get pissed at comics. Like, and I understand if Bill Cosby snaps, if Cosby gets on stage one night and goes, I believe that the Jews should be killed, then I'm in.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in on that.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm like, okay, wait, I will lead the cause against cause, but until then, it's comedy. And so I do it and it blows up. And then Bill O'Reilly and I don't think anything of it, and Bill O'Reilly goes on TV and goes, Christopher Titus called it did. Pinheads and patriots called me a pinhead. And I thought, that's the. It's the greatest thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like a Warren Zevon album.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pinheads and Patriots. When did I get a Wait, I think we have it. Arizona shooting last January demonstrated that quite clearly.

[Christopher Titus]

But still, pinheads, especially in show business. Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Free speech to the limit. This isn't in show business. Exactly.

[Christopher Titus]

That's why me. You know what, man? I. I am gonna. Literally, she gets elected president, I am gonna hang out on the Grassy knoll all the time. Just, just look, it's for my country. If I gotta sacrifice myself, it's for my country. And let's be clear, let's be factual. The Warren Commission proved that nobody was shot from the grassy knoll. It was shot by a lone gunman from the Book Depository that went down the street, made a hard right and shot the president. So all I was really saying was I was gonna sit on the ground and all and watch the new retarded president drive by. That's all I was really saying. And this guy's. And by the way, that Bill O'Reilly, to take a comedian seriously at all. The guy can't even figure out the Lincoln book has 14 factual errors. Ford's theater won't even stock the book. And they have Lincoln bobbleheads and they won't put the book on the shelf. So, you know, Bill O'Reilly, whatever. And here's the thing on TV, by the way, if you play that further, Bill O'Reilly actually says, we'd like to have him come on and talk about it if you'd like to. So I instantly called him. We called him, and you know what he said?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Let's hear it. Dear Bill, we will be awarding seven.

[Christopher Titus]

Reference, of course, to the assassination of President Kennedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Titus is a pinhead. He has issued an apology to come.

[Christopher Titus]

On, on the Patriot front yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

You really want to kill her?

[Christopher Titus]

You know, my, my apology was to the Kennedys. I apologize for 40 years of grassy knoll jokes into the Palins. If you actually thought I was going to shoot one of you, I apologize. And, and, but you know, because if I thought someone do it in my.

[Brian Bishop]

Family, I'd be pissed, too.

[Christopher Titus]

But two, I don't believe Lee Harvey Oswald was at the Havana funny bone cracking off JFK jokes, right? And then I went. The reason I said this and the reason the audience laughed, which you hear clearly, is because we as Americans recognize we have set the bar so low on a possible leader that we would actually consider Sarah Palin. You don't give the stupid cheerleader the Uzi, right? That didn't squal the controversy at all. No one was happy with that. Well, so then I started tweeting. Like, I started tweeting, guys, I shouldn't, because people. I got 400 death threats.

[Brian Bishop]

400 death threats on Twitter or how are they coming up?

[Christopher Titus]

Facebook. Facebook and Twitter. And so I said, guys, I'm sorry I said this. I didn't say I was gonna shoot her. I said I was Gonna shoot at her from a helicopter.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I said.

[Christopher Titus]

And then. And then I said, guys, I shouldn't have said this. You know, What I meant to say was, if she reruns, we should reload. And now people are. It's just consonants and exclamation points. People are just like, fuck. My final one was, guys, I'm sorry I said this.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel stupid.

[Christopher Titus]

Kind of like Sarah Palin. It just makes me sad that in this country, like, you know, the one thing that has worked after World War II, and we all got together. We all got together. Everybody's kind of together with one purpose. We had the highest. We had industrial growth. We had the best employment. We were making money. And now it's like we're so split. The country's just going down the toilet knowing that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we've turned into a bunch of pussy tattletales. I don't. And I would be fine with it if I thought the people who were pointing the fingers actually meant it. Like, I don't think. I don't think. Yes, exactly. Now I'm pointing a finger at you. I don't think I am opportunistic. I know. Nobody thinks Christopher Titus is a potential assassin. Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not Day the Jackal over here. Or.

[Christopher Titus]

What a weird cover. What a bizarre cover, too. Yes, please welcome, like the mechanic. I'm putting a rifle together backstage.

[Adam Carolla]

The Manchurian comedian. Yes. Okay, so no one believes that, and no one believes that I have anything against fucking Filipinos or transgendered or whatever fucking jokes we're making. And by the way, it's not like Titus went into the club with a Sarah Palin joke all chambered. You did the news. Somebody shouted it out. Whatever it is, when I do my thing that I get in trouble for, I don't bring shit it up. Somebody shouts it out. So you're just reacting in real time, for Christ's sake. You're comedian. You're up on stage, there's an audience, and they get the context of it.

[Christopher Titus]

What's funny is you have someone who is saying, she run for president. No one's going to. The fact that this woman is so. This ain't the first time she's done something stupid. All I was a comedian is pointing out that, wow, she's not really smart.

[Adam Carolla]

But this thing of. Well, they go, all right, well, okay, so Titus isn't going to get up on the grassy Noel with a, you know, pump action shotgun, but he may encourage other crazy people. Well, look, if you're going to do that. Then all video games have to go away and all rated R movies have to go away. And any move, you know, jackass, the movie and the television show must go away. Like cartoons must go away because people are going to get hit with frying pans, drop anvil from the Acme company, strap rockets to their ass. I mean, I mean, come on. There's always a certain amount of crazy and there's gonna be a certain amount of people that go into safe ways and shoot at politicians and a certain amount of people go into Columbine and shoot at. And certain people go down to Hollywood and Vine and shoot at people. The idea that we're gonna pin that to this.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder if any crime has ever been pinned on a comedian though. Because I mean, there's all sorts of things that have happened where people have said, oh, this music inspired me to do it, or this movie or this game, which I don't believe. But I just wonder if anyone's ever said, oh, Lenny Bruce made me do this.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a sort of angry, depression, repressed soul that is attracted to Slayer or whatever. It is a dark, it's a dark person who doesn't want to hear Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They, they, they want to hear something with a little sharper edge. So it's sort of you go chicken or the egg, but it's the chicken. The chicken wants to hear Slayer and then goes out on the shooting spree. It's nothing.

[Christopher Titus]

But I also think every, no one.

[Adam Carolla]

Caused anything, anyone to ever do anything, right?

[Christopher Titus]

Everybody gets that. I think everybody gets that. What people don't get, and it's a diversion in this society is like, you know what I do on what I'm on? Listen to satellite. I actually turn on msnbc, then I flip to cnn, then I go back to Fox. And I do that all the time, especially on long trips. And MSNBC and Fox News are both full of shit. Like full of shit on a whole. They had a third party candidate come on msnbc and I thought, okay, these guys can be like, all right, it's America and freedom. And they like, they rip this guy cuz they thought he was going to screw up their election. And then Fox, you know, Bill O'Reilly's one of the most bombastic, says so much bullshit to the point where you're just like, wow, dude, you're making stuff up as you.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes I feel like he's kind of.

[Christopher Titus]

Mild for Fox and he's the guy you go, well, he's the calm one.

[Adam Carolla]

I Think. And I think I have the theory you have a lot of right wing listeners.

[Christopher Titus]

Right? You have a huge, like, right wing listenership.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you just have a huge listenership. Some of them are right wing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, I have. I'll tell you what I have. I think I have a bunch of. Of. Of course. You think they're sensible. No, I have sensible folks who listen to the show who are sort of tired of the Occupy Wall street people and tired. I think the people that listen to the show are very. You pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you get to work, you take. And for some reason, that's become a right wing cause. The get to work. I don't understand why. I thought it was just an American cause, sort of, you know, you have five jobs. I have five jobs. Everyone I know has three and a half jobs. And there are people out there with no jobs, and I'm tired of paying for them.

[Christopher Titus]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the retarded ones. The ones that have decided to.

[Christopher Titus]

You're okay with paying for paying for the retarded ones?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, for four months.

[Brian Bishop]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

Then they shake it, you know, run it off.

[Christopher Titus]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Rub some dirt on it. Let's get going.

[Christopher Titus]

Rub some dirt on it.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is. No, I think I've said many times, we understand there's a segment of society that needs our help. And I think we all make headlines, a sort of. We all have an agreement when you enter this society that there's a certain amount of. Group of people that do need our help. And then there's a certain amount that are just sort of rolling in their own shit, and they need to get up and get fucking busy.

[Christopher Titus]

Look, if you got unemployment for two and a half years, fuck you. I'm sorry. At that point, at that point where there's so many times that you just go, I never got unemployment. I barely graduated high school. I had to go to summer school. They handed me a blank piece of paper when I graduated, they let me graduate. They said I could go through school ceremonies, but I had to do two classes in summer school just to get my diploma. And I had to. And I had to bust my ass and write comedy. Honestly, if I didn't learn how to misspell and joke for him, I would be turning tricks behind a Denny's right now. I swear to God. I'd be grand slam, Titus, hanging at the dumpster. But I would still be working, damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

But you work. I mean, it's like, I remember once I picked up a Guy hitchhiking. And he said, you're a carpenter? I was driving my truck, you know, and I said, yeah, I'm a carpenter. And he said, hey, man, man, I'm out of work. And I said, what do you do? And he said, well, you know, I do framing, I do drywall, do masonry, I do finish, I do plumbing. And I said, are you good at it? And he's like, yeah, man, I'm good at all of it. And I thought to myself, no, you're not. Because you'd be working if you were good at it. You'd be working. Every carpenter I know and knew and know who is a good carpenter and an honest carpenter and a hard working carpenter, they're all employed and they're always employed.

[Brian Bishop]

There are fields though, where you can be educated and have degrees and not be able to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I agree, but the other thing is, is if you've been working for GM for 20 years and you've been making 3250 an hour plus overtime and benefits and whatever, and you do this thing where they shut down the plant, they move to Mexico and they go and you go, the only thing I'm qualified to do is work fast food. That's kind of where you're at. The 33 bucks an hour that was inflated. You ain't worth 33 bucks an hour if all you can do is work fast food. Food now.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, but see, okay, so see, I have this thing where I get on your show and I start to agree with you and I have some issues with that now because right now, now, right now because of nafta, we have fucked, we have fucked this country so bad across the board, Industrial everything. Now the unions do they get out of hand. But that's the problem. No one's willing to take their part of their part of the problem. You know, the unions basically got the price so high in China. There's a dude that went works, runs a tire shop. I buy rims and stuff from them. He said, they flew us to China. They went to a Michelin plant. Here's the deal that Michelin got. They basically got the land for free. They got the plant built for free. China built housing around the plant. Now they only needed 1,000 workers. China built housing for 4,000 people. Because if someone walks in and screws up and is a little pissed that they're making a buck, oh, two an hour, they actually fire them and they have 3,000 other people that step in, that is where we're fucked. You to have, have to kind of the balance is it's for these companies, for these people that own these companies to go across the planet to actually make, to pay someone not even a decent wage, not even a living wage is un American. And someone to simply just go. And I gotta be honest, Adam, go ahead. For you to just go. Well, it's because they don't wanna work hard. Well, it's almost like they were told.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying it's cause they don't wanna work hard. I'm saying when you have a high school diploma and that's, that's it. And you're doing work that a Chinese guy or a robot can do, and you're getting 33 bucks an hour, you're inflated, you're being overcompensated. Look, when I worked as a carpenter, I would get 12 bucks an hour. But when I got a job doing earthquake rehab for the city, I got like 21 bucks an hour because I was being overcompensated. They actually paid laborers more than they paid the actual carpenters, which is another fucked up. And this is why we don't have any money as a city. There's a balance.

[Christopher Titus]

And if it explain teachers, then there's no amount of pay sitting in a room with 30 little shitty smelling kids. Is there really, is there enough money for that?

[Adam Carolla]

Not for me, but I hate kids. I mean, not of course, not one of my twins.

[Brian Bishop]

Obviously no one has sympathy for doctors or lawyers, but those are fields where people go to school forever and then it's hard for them to get jobs.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

[Christopher Titus]

Saying the lawyers are getting 400 bucks an hour for making two phone calls.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I'm not saying everybody, there's a.

[Brian Bishop]

Lot of them that are working.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying everyone who's out of work is out of work because they're lazy. I'm saying I know motivated. And you have to be adaptive. You have to be able to roll with it. I mean, just because you're trained in this field doesn't mean you might not be. You might be driving an airport shuttle for six months, but doing the best fucking job you can and working three other jobs. That's the economy we're in. It's about adapting, it's about changing. But a lot of it is just pure effort. Calorie burning. Roll up your sleeves, get to fucking work. Make half as much as you made the year before and figure it out. But the finger pointing and what's Obama gonna do for us? I Just. All I'm saying is I don't think the government's gonna do anything for you. You shouldn't expect it. You shouldn't expect it. That's all I'm saying.

[Christopher Titus]

I say on this new show, the biggest trick the Republicans are played is the saying to the roofer that because the billionaire pays 2% more tax, that he's going to lose his job. And the biggest trick the Democrats played was to believe that you need government to make it okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Christopher Titus]

You know, they're all full of shit. I mean, honestly, what you said in your book. What's the name of your book, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

50 years Wall Beach. Yes.

[Christopher Titus]

Where can I get that?

[Adam Carolla]

You can go to Amazon and get it, and you can click through AdamCarolla.com and show us a little love. Great. And by the way, while you're at Amazon. Yeah. Do you got. Do we have Get a real job, numbnuts? No. You know what?

[Christopher Titus]

You know why we don't have it? Because of the deals I've signed in the past with DVDs. They actually, Paramount has Love is Evil, and they sent me a sheet and they'd sold. They've sold 52,000 copies. And they said there was all this.

[Adam Carolla]

Breakdown of what they spent.

[Christopher Titus]

There was $10,000 shelving fee. And it got down to. And, you know, they owed me nothing. They were still convenient. They were still 4200 bucks in the red. So what I did was last meeting I had with Never Lution, which is a really good special. I'm really proud of it. We sat down and they go, here's a distribution deal. And I've been doing, by the way, you taught me a lot, Master Yoda. I dealt with Norman Rockwell's bleeding. I've been selling it for a couple years, and I was making this much money a month. And it was a nice bit of money. And I told the guy at the meeting, I go, all right, here's what I'm making on this dvd. Can you pay me that every month for the next two years? And the dude's face. It was amazing to watch that. The knowledge that I had about making money on my own, own stuff. And he went, no. And I said, okay. So we just took it over. And within, literally, within two months, I paid all the costs. Actually, it was a month. I paid all the costs and everything. And now I make my own money with my own stuff. I know why Prince wrote slave on his face. Let's just leave it at that. Yeah, I had it on my face for a Little while.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that's funny about the cost is when they do the thing where $250,000 in advertising and merchandising and you're like, advertising?

[Brian Bishop]

I didn't see.

[Christopher Titus]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

Where was that?

[Brian Bishop]

They're like, we sent an email.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not see one fucking. Half a page in one fucking magazine. I didn't see it. And a quarter page in a penny saver. What do you mean advertising?

[Christopher Titus]

Product placement.

[Adam Carolla]

Advertisement took place.

[Christopher Titus]

My product placement was under the kitty litter in Walmart. That's where my product placement was.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's such a fucking bullshit racket. They just pad the shit out of it. Yeah, well, anyway, so you said get.

[Christopher Titus]

A podcast and blah, blah. Just so you know. The Titus podcast podcast I have started now. I just basically just record yours and play it on my podcast. But I've done so well actually because we do it like my numbers in the clubs are going up and it's weird that we've kind of taken over this. It's really great that you're doing this. I hate. You're so much more successful at it than I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, don't worry, you'll come around. There it is. The tightest podcast right there.

[Brian Bishop]

Where do you do it?

[Christopher Titus]

We do it from the Combustion Lounge.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Somebody.

[Bobby Collins]

What is that?

[Christopher Titus]

Shut up. I'm not telling you.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody.

[Christopher Titus]

It's a bunker.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody tweeted me that I was a question on Jeopardy. Today.

[Christopher Titus]

Today.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yes. They just got a tweet. Me and some other famous Adams. I guess I was. You know.

[Brian Bishop]

It was an answer on Jeopardy.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Sorry. It was an answer.

[Christopher Titus]

You made an answer on Jeopardy.

[Brian Bishop]

I think this is the second time.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's happened before, but I can't remember what the first one was.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I can't either. But I know that my dad was.

[Allison Rosen]

A play on your last name, I think like Honda's car. And also comedian Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

But then the real question is do they get. Do they get it right? But I was lumped in with some. Some other famous Adams. Do we have. Do we have that?

[Brian Bishop]

I think we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's take a look at it.

[Brian Bishop]

Also a person's surname for 800 Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Ant and Sandler Ellen. Who are Adams.

[Bobby Collins]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's weird. It is weird. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I wonder if Adam. Ant.

[Christopher Titus]

Adam is as excited and Sandler, or alive by the way, you could have. Now, I don't. Don't get all big headed about that one because Sandler was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what got it. That's what got It. If it was just me and Ann. Yeah, they wouldn't have known. Hey, let's get Titus a mangrate. You like Detroit iron, do you not, Titus? And you? Probably. I'm looking at you. You haven't gone vegan yet on me yet, have you? No. No. You like green? How about a little steakhouse quality grilling? Give him one of those man grates now. Feel the weight. Feel the weight of the grate.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, I'm gonna curl this before.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a man grate.

[Christopher Titus]

Very nice. You know what? I actually liked it. I queued a little bit salmon before I came over tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Well, it's gonna get that much better next time. The salmon, the chicken, the chops, the steaks, all steakhouse quality now. $19.99 holiday special. Click through mangrate and go to the [e-mail] and order today. That thing, I mean, seriously, is that 25 pounds as seen on TV?

[Christopher Titus]

Also, it says right on the box.

[Adam Carolla]

That part I don't remember. But look at that bad boy. It is just serious iron. They have the exclusive bonus offer. You can. Every order is going to come with a heavy duty man. Great grilling. Brush with the Adam Carolla show logo on it and use it in good health. All right.

[Christopher Titus]

I love the way it looks. I may bolt it to the valve covers of the car we're building right now because it looks pretty good. That's that old school finned.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Look, I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I just want to point out if this were television, it would be a girl in a bikini delivering the prize. But we have.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt said. We got Matt. Yeah, the porcelain punisher. Matt Fonda Lair. Do we have some more news, by the way? Let's now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

A pair of senators from New York are calling on the Transportation Security Administration to put specially trained passenger advocates at every airport so there would be people that you could talk to if you have a concern about the way you were treated as you went through airport security. This is after three elderly women accused the agency of strip searching them at JFK in New York as they were on their way to Fort Lauderdale.

[Adam Carolla]

She looks just like the person I had yelling at me at jfk. What do these people like, you pass through and it takes you 18 minutes, but you realize they're there for an eight hour shift, right? And I had this one woman, I was talking about this. She's just sort of. She stands there and she. And she's like, all liquids, all liquids over 3.4 ounces in the tray. All computers out of the bag in the trays. Jackets and hoodies in the bag. Shoes and belts, all loose clothing in the trays. That means iPads, portable laptops, portable computing devices. All gels. And she starts. Eventually she'll cycle again. That's all gels over 3, 3.4 ounces separated out of the bag. All computer and laptops in a separate solo tray. All jackets and hoodie. And it's like, is this what she's doing? Because I've heard 18 minutes of this and I'm gonna have a seizure.

[Brian Bishop]

And I wonder if she ever mixes it up. Like, shoes in a bag, all gels in their own bin.

[Christopher Titus]

She gets all cocky, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she gets cocky and goes off book.

[Christopher Titus]

There's a great dude at. We go into. I want to say it's American or something. There's this one black dude at LAX that has turned. He has turned it into. He's a big. He's really a monster. But he has turned it into a bit like. He just starts. He's literally like, all right, everybody, here's what I need you to do. You got to put that.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn.

[Christopher Titus]

The computer got to go by itself. Don't be putting in something else in there. And he's kind of invented his own little piece. And then he didn't do. Exactly. He switched it up again.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard.

[Christopher Titus]

You heard me the first time. Right. And I know you was in line. You heard me. And he's just. It's a show.

[Adam Carolla]

I actually. I actually waited.

[Christopher Titus]

I go, go ahead in front of me. This guy's good. I like this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

This chick has that. I'm a 50 year old bitch and I do everything in a sing songy fashion. And I'm definitely condescending. One of my daughters has a horrible eating disorder and the other's £400. Like, that's. That. That's what she'll do. You know, Michelle, the whites go with the whites and the colors go in with the colors. And you put the paprika in with the spice stuff and you put the salt in the other.

[Brian Bishop]

I just bought this box, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's all same.

[Christopher Titus]

This is about people. Like, if you have a problem, these would be advocates.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

They would just be standing off to the side, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Because so many people feel they have been mistreated by the tsa.

[Christopher Titus]

What is wrong with us? I went to South Africa. Okay. So we flew to South Africa to do Never lution. I get off the plane, there is a woman who stops me because I got a box.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a box of DVDs.

[Christopher Titus]

Woman stops me, gets in my face, like three. And to my face, what's in the box? I'm like, DVDs. Let me see what the DVDs are. And I said, what are they of? And she like. And in America, we have. We have. So I think we have too many rights. Everybody's rights are important. We become this big.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, everyone's feelings are important.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

We pie it off into such little groups.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this notion of I felt threatened, like, based on what? You know, think about how many times I felt threatened when I was a kid. Kid I felt threatened. Never came up. I was hit with a flathead shovel came up. I was attacked with a crowbar that came up. But I felt threatened. You feeling the way you felt is neither here nor there. And it's sort of like. It's like a quarterback saying, I felt like I was going to get speared by that linebacker. Yeah, but if he never left his feet, then you're not. Your ribs ain't cracked. Like this whole thing of my feelings. Here's how I felt. Here's how he made me felt. Here's how she made me feel. You know, that's what everyone's doing this. It's all about how you feel and about how somebody makes you feel. I felt attacked, I felt threatened. I felt judged. Shut the fuck up and get on the plane.

[Christopher Titus]

It's not even that specific. My anxiety level has risen. Right. My anxiety is up a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Who cares? Then you're weak. There's something wrong with you.

[Christopher Titus]

We need to call the herd some time.

[Adam Carolla]

We've decided that. That everyone who felt bad for five minutes needs to be compensated or apologized to. Just shut the fuck up and die already. That's all I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Hulk Hogan's ex, Linda.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Christopher Titus]

You're really.

[Brian Bishop]

You.

[Christopher Titus]

Very smoothly going.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel threatened by his discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, look, the airport. Airport's a pain in the ass. And it's manned by dumb people who couldn't. Who couldn't become police officers, basically, let's be honest. And you're gonna have to suck it up for 12 minutes and be under the thumb of a guy who shouldn't have finished high school when he says, take the belt off or empty the key. And every once in a while they're gonna be snot nosed. When you forgot about your keys in your pocket, you walk through the thing and. Sir, we said remove all objects. And you can't snap back when they just throw it in the fucking tray and get the fuck out of there. Knowing that you're going home. Home to a prettier wife and a bigger house.

[Christopher Titus]

You can snap back, but it's. There's going to be an odd sexual experience. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll have zip ties put on you. All right. The Hulk.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes I don't put my lotions and gels in a Ziploc bag. Don't tell anyone.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to. This is the confusing part of the whole thing. It's insane. All right. Anyway, the whole.

[Brian Bishop]

Hulk Hogan's ex, Linda Bolaya or Bolia, recently claimed that Hulk Hogan is gay and had an affair with wrestler Brutus Beef. She also accused the wrestler the Barber.

[Adam Carolla]

Brutus. The Barber Beefcake? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I just know him as Brutus Beefcake.

[Allison Rosen]

My favorite wrestler growing up, by the way. He had the shears and he had.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

He would shear your hair off. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

She also accused the wrestler of being prone to violent, threatening outbursts during their marriage. Yeah, that's ironic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

That you would like a barber that picks people up.

[Adam Carolla]

And that Hulkster I know. Did he hit her with a folding chair?

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, that'd be great.

[Brian Bishop]

In her memoir, Wrestling the My Life against the the Ropes, she writes Hogan.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't believe her memoir would have anything to do with Hulk Hogan or wrestling.

[Brian Bishop]

I know. She wrote, Hogan, quote, tore my clothes, threw lamps and held me down on the bed with his hands around my throat during arguments. I was always afraid he would kill me in one of his rages. The revelation of Hogan's supposed affair with Beefcake occurred while she was promoting the book Thursday. Hogan fired back, filing an 18 page civil suit against her, claiming he was defamed. His attorney said he's being accused of all sorts of vile conduct that he did not commit, adding, Ms. Beaulieu's made enough of these outrageous allegations that it's time they stop. The only realistic way of making them stop is through the court system. Hogan himself said, if any of that was true, I would admit it. And if I was a homosexual, I would embrace it. It's just so crazy to hear. So I have a real problem with it. If you're going to say I'm something that I'm not to try to ruin my career, my livelihood, I have to answer her back. It's so ridiculous. I don't mean to laugh about it because it's not funny, but it's insane. It doesn't make any sense to me.

[Christopher Titus]

You've never been divorced, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Not yet. I Mean, no, not yet. But I did blow the Honky Tonk man in the later 80s. It was totally consensual.

[Christopher Titus]

So in a divorce, it was a crazy time when I filed for divorce. My wife walked into court the day I filed for divorce and said flat out to the judge, all I wanted to do was end the marriage. She was seeing two of the guys and she had actually forged like 300 grand were the checks over the last two years. And I had it. I had it.

[Adam Carolla]

Klitschkos are very lucky.

[Christopher Titus]

I just wanted to end it. I walk in because I filed for divorce and a woman scorned. It's not a man scorned. She gets in front of it, she says, she. I go, you, Honor, and she goes, this man has beaten me for the last 20 years and recently just threw me down a flight of stairs twice. And I remember just like, there's no reaction, except like I couldn't even form words, which is not legal.

[Adam Carolla]

She probably did one of these moves where she went, this man has beaten me.

[Christopher Titus]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

At Connect Four for the last 20 years.

[Christopher Titus]

Play that back. So I fought for five years.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I. The lying, I don't know where I. I could never summon the lying part of life. Like I could do. Well, I understand a lot of the part of life, but the part where I just look at you and say, oh, yeah, just make some crazy shit out there. Yeah, just. He was. Oh, no. He's the one that handed me the like, what? No, that, like I could never do.

[Brian Bishop]

Have they con. Are they some weird crazy person where they've convinced themselves it's true or do they know they're lying? That's what I always wonder with liars.

[Christopher Titus]

It starts there and then it starts here and then eventually it goes. The problem is this. The problem is I represented myself at the end and we came with a picture of her because she said I. She had a specific date. Like she has a problem. She made a specific date. When I beat her, threw it on a flight of stairs, punched her repeatedly, ripped her hair out. Here's two problems with that. I had a picture of her the day after at our kids preschool graduation. Because in LA there's a preschool graduation.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, you got to have it coming up. And the music. And then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got two of them.

[Christopher Titus]

You got two of them.

[Adam Carolla]

And then.

[Christopher Titus]

And then the other thing was that she got hair extensions that exact same day to go to weave. So.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Christopher Titus]

So we actually deposed the guy. Did hair extensions. Do you have any marks, anything? Nope. Then we brought in a picture. This is so great. It was like a mob picture. She actually had a picture of holding up the pamphlet at the kids graduation. She was holding it up, and it had. Yeah, it had the date at the bottom. It was like a mob photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

So my lawyers hadn't presented that at the trial. So when I fired my lawyers and I went on a reconsideration and I gave to the judge, the judge goes, well, Mr. Titus, your lawyer screwed you. He said this on record. And he goes. He goes, I'm not going to, but I wish I could retry this case.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. So it represents myself. Fool for a client. And it worked out well.

[Adam Carolla]

You are used to public speaking.

[Christopher Titus]

You true that.

[Adam Carolla]

You're smart and you're motivated.

[Christopher Titus]

I was scared, though. I started out with this. I looked at the judge because I. Working with this father's rights guy in Seattle because it had gone so bad, man. It had gone. You cannot believe. Don't get divorced. You know, Lynette. Kill him or you kill her. Just don't get divorced. I'd much rather you do some time. Yeah. Don't get divorced. And I go in. I go in.

[Adam Carolla]

Boating accident.

[Christopher Titus]

There you go.

[Brian Bishop]

It's an accident.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Christopher Titus]

Got it. So what happens is that I'm in there, and basically what he had done is he had given her this payment plan. Like I owed her. First of all, she owed me half a million dollars over the last three years. She had forged. It's crazy. I can't even say it. It hurts to say it. And if I say it with any volume, I actually grow a ton of myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that money daddy gave you? Is that money daddy gave you?

[Christopher Titus]

No, it's money that I've worked my ass off for my whole.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate you because daddy gave you that money.

[Christopher Titus]

So here's what happened. So I go in, and he gave her a payment plan, and then she owed me some certain amount of money, but he didn't do that. So I went in, and I go, this is how stupid I am as an attorney. But this guy said to do this. I go, your honor, I'm really nervous to be here, but I have to be honest with you. You have violated my 14th amendment rights. I started with the constitution.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

And I'm waiting for the judge to just take a rifle out because I know they have weapons behind their case. And he focuses on me, and I go, you violated my 14th amendment rights of equal protection under the law. You gave me a pamphlet. And I went down these 10 things that he had Done. And you made numerous mathematical errors on money. And I went down those. And my ex goes, your Honor, do.

[Adam Carolla]

We have to take this?

[Christopher Titus]

And the judge goes. Just goes, Ms. Titus, I'm listening to him right now. And I realized I had someone's nuts and advice. I wasn't sure whose.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like that Vin Diesel movie where he had Hair.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the name of that one? I didn't see that one, but I. Boiler Room. He boiled an attorney in 1:1. He played an attorney that had hair in a movie about four years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

It was well into his career. I forget his name. I forget the name of the movie.

[Christopher Titus]

Nice call.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it was called An Attorney with Hair.

[Christopher Titus]

Nice pull on Boiler Room, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. Except for it wasn't Boiler Room, I don't think. Oh, there he is. Wow. Yeah. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

He looks so different with hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Brian Bishop]

It really makes him look like a Jewish accountant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry. So did it turn out okay?

[Christopher Titus]

Turn out okay? So I swung a $200,000 judgment the other way, so she owes me 200 grand.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

I'll never see it. I'll never see it in my life. In my life. Never.

[Brian Bishop]

And the judge didn't get defensive.

[Christopher Titus]

We're actually in appeal right now. Before the other side. No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Weirdly enough, here's the thing with Judges Find Me Guilty. Name of the judge.

[Christopher Titus]

Judges don't give a flying rat's ass about lose, winning, or losing. They just want to get you out of there. I saw Mel Gibson there. I was sitting there, like, waiting to go in, and Oksana comes out, and I'm like. Because they had the doors locked. And Oksana comes out, and she's. Oh, man. This is the evil porn off that woman.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear, she seems like you don't sense it.

[Christopher Titus]

You're like, oh, my God, this woman's. And Mel Gibson walks out, and literally, it looked like someone had beat him. He just. Whatever. How many millions they had just. He had just given her. He just walked out. And I did this to him. All I did.

[Bobby Collins]

I got hammered.

[Christopher Titus]

I just gave him the nod, and he went, that was it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's cool.

[Christopher Titus]

It was a dude nod.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're doing a Pop Warner version of his super bowl of money giveaways.

[Christopher Titus]

I mean, I'm definitely doing a popular.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's still smarts. But what he's giving away. And, you know, she's a witch that's passionate about, you know, she's a fucking witch.

[Brian Bishop]

Kind of like Octomom there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. She does yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

What kind of celebrity courtroom are you going to?

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Christopher Titus]

It was just. It's just LA court lately. City court. It's not a celebrity. Do you think you have a special courtroom?

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice. I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

I wouldn't know.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay. Little massage going on.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, last story.

[Brian Bishop]

There's been a rash of tuba thefts. Tuba thefts in Southland High School.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Bandits have recently struck Southgate High School, Centennial High School in Compton, and Huntington Park High School, escaping with thousands of dollars in tubas. The LA Times reports that thieves stole $13,000 worth of tubas from the Southgate High School, including an upright concert tuba and a silver sousaphone, also known as a marching band tuba. On Tuesday, Huntington Park High School's last tuba was taken. Several weeks prior, eight sousaphones were taken from Centennial High School. School band leaders believe the thefts are a result of Southern California's recent banda craze. And banda is dance music played by brass and woodwind instruments and anchored by the tuba. And there's high black market prices for the instruments.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Let's get to the bottom of this. What nationality we talking about here?

[Christopher Titus]

I'm guessing Hispanic of some sort.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. You think with the. Between this and the reggaeton, it's like they're trying to fucking it. You know how the Occupy Wall street people were complaining that the cops were hitting them with the sonic cannon to drive them away? I think we're getting the slow sonic cannon from the Mexicans. I think the ranchero music and the reggaeton music, I think it's all part of a Drive Whitey to Seattle movement. Because this fucking. This music hurts my skin. Like, you know, you get up in the morning, just all the fucking Latin.

[Christopher Titus]

Anytime you can put a fast paced music and have a tube in it, some of that brass one, it literally melts part of your brain. Like, literally. Maybe your thing can be dealt with. I didn't even think about this. Maybe we could melt the tumor that you got.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, with tuba music? Yeah. Tone will melt.

[Christopher Titus]

Targeted tuba therapy might work on you. Hey, look, you've tried everything else, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go for it. You can remove tattoos with reggaeton. Yeah. You just have to focus.

[Allison Rosen]

This is my first to go in Mexico for like, experimental drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

No, wait a minute. Here. Go.

[Brian Bishop]

We.

[Adam Carolla]

We are. Bandas are most widely known for their rancheras. Yeah. But also play modern Mexican pop. Definitely not a Jew. For certain cultures, Middle Eastern cultures, Mexican cultures. Just knock it off with the music. Let us handle that one. You Guys are fucking it up royally. It's so fucking annoying. You ever go into one of those Thai food places where they insist on playing the Thai music? Or you go into one of those fucking Middle Eastern places where it's like they insist on playing that. Knock it off.

[Brian Bishop]

Food is enough for journey to another land.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly. We got it. We got it.

[Adam Carolla]

We got some skinnered in here. We'll eat your Thai cuisine. It'll be cool.

[Christopher Titus]

Just make it nice. Play Nebraska. Eva gave me the Nebraska. So then our spring scene, Nebraska.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you happy that these tubas are walking out?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, someone's taking a tuba. Like, I don't care how baggy your hoodie is, it's tough to get out with a tuba. You know, sadly, the less annoying instruments like piccolos and oboes are easily stolen. But no one wants to play that because they're not. Whitey isn't annoyed by piccolo, by the way.

[Christopher Titus]

I always feel worse for the kid. Okay, so there's some poor bastard that learned to play the tuba, which is the worst possible instrument. There's no cool. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Say poor. Say fat.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay, fat. Get this fat, pimply kid who busted his ass. You know what? I'm committed to one thing. I don't have any friends. I'm in my room, I got the tuba, I'm getting good. And then he gets it jacked.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's horrible.

[Christopher Titus]

It's horrible. He's got nothing left.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got nothing left. I thought.

[Christopher Titus]

And then he goes to Virginia Tech and shoots a cop.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought the tube tuba was. I thought they were. See, what's getting really expensive now is a lot of metals. Like.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, like they're melting them down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I thought. Like, they're tuba chop shop of some sort. Yeah, Too fat.

[Allison Rosen]

Too furious.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The fat nefarious. Yeah, the guy takes a French horn and throws it at you, you go after him. No time for backup.

[Christopher Titus]

Gotta get it now. Jumping from roof to roof.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, listen, this couldn't have come as at a worse time because affected bands are scrambling to replace their instruments before Saturday's 38th annual Marchy Band and Drill Team Championship. Copper.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like the copper stuff. Like, everyone's pulling out copper wiring and copper pipes. And, like, I know a lot of guys who, like, work downtown and they get their aluminum ladders stolen and stuff, because aluminum. Well, if you think about it, you see a guy walking around and he's picking one aluminum Pepsi can at a time. Out of garbage can. Weighs you know what?.00 whatever ounces. Now you pick up a 20 foot aluminum extension ladder that weighs 200 pounds. How many Pepsi cans is that?

[Christopher Titus]

Take it to the recycling centers.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Where do you take it?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess so. You know, here's the thing about the dudes who work at the recycling center. Not chatty, right? Not a lot of questions.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Christopher Titus]

Just keep throwing into the. To the. To the grinder.

[Adam Carolla]

It just goes right into the cauldron there.

[Christopher Titus]

Got another tuba there.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple more ladders. That's right. And by the way, let's blow out that spit valve before we weigh it this time.

[Christopher Titus]

We've been burned before, you son of a. Fill it with kitty litter.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Why don't you tell your dad not to let his trumpet out of his sight.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, don't worry. Sleep so that we're gonna have to.

[Christopher Titus]

Take out the read weight on some of these insurance. You bring it in.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Great. What is the music? I want to hear? I want to hear this.

[Christopher Titus]

Do we have some of it?

[Adam Carolla]

If we can. If we can find. I know you guys have been hard at work looking for that over the last 10 minutes.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm sure it's going to be surprising.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sure it'll be wild and soothing.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Tuba based. This is not that bad.

[Brian Bishop]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this it? What is.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's related to polka.

[Christopher Titus]

Wait, this is gotten popular now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, they don't like it. They're trying to drive us off our land with this.

[Christopher Titus]

This is like what they play. Didn't they play this one? Koresh. They were going after Koresh. They just played this from the outside of the Branch Davidian compound.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what it is. Here's why they have no space program here. You want to know why they don't have a space program? Turn it up. Turn it up. Just to listen.

[Brian Bishop]

This would drive me into space because.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing can be done to this music. All you can do is drink and try to deaden it. You can't do any calculations you can't work out. You can't do any math equations you can do nothing.

[Christopher Titus]

Can't drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Annoying.

[Brian Bishop]

You can't to it.

[Adam Carolla]

No. God, no. You can't even. I could barely beat. I mean, I don't think I could even beat off of that.

[Christopher Titus]

No, I couldn't even.

[Adam Carolla]

You know. No.

[Christopher Titus]

It's making me hate my dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Frankly. Yes. I hate Titus cock more than I ever did.

[Brian Bishop]

It's making me hate your dick too.

[Christopher Titus]

See, There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was at A nine when he walked in tonight. All right. It's fucking obnoxious. Listen, it's just fucking retarded music. Let's just call it bad. Can we just call it bad? Can we stop with all the. Hey, it's a cultural thing. We can agree that there's differences in cultures that are good and differences that are bad, right?

[Christopher Titus]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

This is shit music, right? Fucking annoying. And it's.

[Brian Bishop]

No one here is gonna play it. It's got tubas.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's basically the last thing you'd ever want to hear when you had a hangover if.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, what's in your head when you have a hangover anyway?

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking hangover. Yeah. Beethoven sounds like this when you're hungover, right?

[Christopher Titus]

I think this saddest thing is that literally there's somebody out there that needs this music so bad, they are actually sending crews out to jack tubas because we need more of this music. There's someone out there.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the black market.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Shut it down. Beef up that fucking border, please, people, please. Let's fucking beef up that border so we don't have to have our brains poisoned. Hey, said it once, said it again. They do that thing all the time where they go classical music. When my wife was pregnant with my twins, there was a whole lot of. Play the classical music. They made some smart. They done tests that say the kids have a higher. They test better if they get. All right, if there is a music that makes you smarter, then there's a music that makes you dumber. Right? It's not just all music that makes you smarter and then no music that makes you dumber. This music makes you fucking retarded. So what? Put an end to it.

[Christopher Titus]

So what you're saying is the socio economic problems that the minorities currently face in this country, especially on the Latino side, is based entirely on this two Cuba music.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's pump in some classical C and see if the test scores a little bit.

[Christopher Titus]

Little baby Mozart.

[Adam Carolla]

Just fucking.

[Christopher Titus]

A little baby Mozart instead of Baby Mariachi.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just try and experiment instead of the fucking most annoying shit music in the world. And the reason I'm pissed, people go, oh well, so what? It's not your culture. I'm fucking deluged by this shit. Every construction site ever worked on, every time I drive past a fucking gardener's truck, this shit is cranking.

[Brian Bishop]

Every time you go sombrero shopping, oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, I go down Alvara street, by the way. Like, we need Alvarest. Alvera Street. Jesus Christ, Alvera Street. Alvera street used to be. Hey, it's a little slice of Mexico right in downtown la. Do we need that anymore?

[Christopher Titus]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, music's so fucking grating. Hey, discount tire. Love me some discount tire, Titus, you know discount tire in America's Tire.

[Christopher Titus]

I know the guys that work there are gonna be a little pissed about the whole music thing you just did.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, they're gonn change of station when the ace man shows up to get some new racing tires thrown on his BBS rims. Oh, yeah, that is a nice rim. And it's a nice tire. And they got me my tires. And they'll get you your tires. They're Discount America's Tire. And they got a Facebook contest. You want to come out here? You want to hang out with us? You want to hear me complain about tuba music? How about it? Come out to LA for the weekend. Meet me. This trip includes round trip airfare for two. Two nights at a hotel. 500 bucks. Jesus, spending money. That is good cash.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, buy some tubas.

[Adam Carolla]

Tickets to the Peterson Museum. I got a car over there. You can go say hi to it. Stay on the other side of the velvet rope, though. And also you can come behind the scenes here. You can come by the shop, check out the studio, hang out with us. [e-mail] Discount T Tire or our site and come hang out. Yeah, good times. Oh, right.

[Christopher Titus]

What car's over at Peterson?

[Adam Carolla]

I got a Lamborghini. Got that orange mirror up there.

[Christopher Titus]

Pretty car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is a beautiful.

[Christopher Titus]

I had my foo's car over there for a while. I didn't like it there.

[Adam Carolla]

That car would have never been invented if there was ranchera music blaring in the background. Everyone would have just been drunk and laying around chasing a chicken in a circle. That car would not exist. Do you understand? That car exists because classical music exists. Please wake up, people and start judging Christopher Titus the DVD box set. Get a real job, numb nuts. I couldn't agree more. Includes all four stand up specials over six hours. The website Christopher Titus.com, the podcast Titus Podcast. And you want to support the show, Go to Amazon, baby. Click through. And if you're going to Amazon, doing a little Christmas shopping, but you click through our website and hit the banner. So until next time, it's Adam Crawl for Bull. Brian Christopher Titus and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo.

[Christopher Titus]

I believe that the Jews should be killed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. This is adam co show 720 with Christopher Titus. That does it for today's Crow Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on, Sam.