Curt Menefee + Kristen McGuiness (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Curt Menefee + Kristen McGuinness (Carolla Classics) Release Date: February 9, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Carolla Classics, host Adam Carolla revisits some of the most memorable moments from the "Adam Carolla Show." Presented by Giovanni, Adam's superfan, this compilation features highlights from Episode 452, originally aired in 2010, featuring Curt Menefee, Kristen McGuinness, and Brian Bishop. The episode delves into Kristen McGuinness's personal journey, her candid discussions on her father's tumultuous life, and insightful commentary on societal issues.

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Interview with Kristen McGuinness

[01:09] Adam Carolla: "Kristin is the author of a book, '5150 the Magical Adventures of a Single Life: Went on 51 dates in 50 weeks.' And is there a connection to the, you know, legal term 5150?"

Kristen McGuinness introduces her book, drawing a parallel between her title and the California Welfare and Institutions Code §5150, which allows for the involuntary psychiatric hold of individuals deemed a danger to themselves or others.

[01:23] Kristen McGuinness: "Absolutely, absolutely. It was inspired by Britney Spears. I think the year I was doing it, she kept getting caught under 5150s."

The conversation shifts to Kristen's father, a marijuana smuggler with a formidable reputation, nicknamed "Houdini" for his numerous prison escapes.

[02:22] Kristen McGuinness: "I learned that there are a lot of good men in Los Angeles."

Despite her father's illicit activities, Kristen reflects on the resilience and inherent goodness she found in the men she dated, highlighting her journey to heal her relationship with her incarcerated father.

[03:56] Adam Carolla: "So where is he now?"

[04:33] Kristen McGuinness: "Unfortunately, he passed away in 2009."

Kristen shares the sorrow of her father's passing, emphasizing that he died a free man, which provided a sense of closure and relief from his tumultuous life.

[09:36] Kristen McGuinness: "I'm now sober and... I understood he was an outlaw through and through."

Acknowledging the emotional wounds caused by her father's lifestyle, Kristen discusses her path to sobriety and self-healing, while maintaining respect for her father's choices.

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News with Kristen McGuinness

[14:16] Kristen McGuinness: "All right, well, the top news is the fact that I've always wanted to hear my name said that way, so. Yeah. But outside of that, the real top news of the day is America is fat."

Kristen presents a satirical take on America's obesity rates, ranking the U.S. as the eighth fattest country globally, trailing behind several Pacific Island nations. She humorously critiques societal norms and cultural perceptions surrounding weight.

[16:14] Adam Carolla: "Deep frying the fruit and fish."

The segment continues with humorous comparisons between American lifestyles and those of other cultures, particularly focusing on the dietary habits contributing to obesity.

[18:08] Adam Carolla: "They're nose tackle in the NFL fat. And we're Jared fat. Man."

Adam and Kristen engage in playful banter, comparing different types of fatness and the cultural stigmas attached to them, highlighting the absurdity of societal judgments based solely on appearance.

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Audiobook and Rant Segment

Adam introduces snippets from his audiobook, where he delivers unfiltered rants on various topics, blending humor with social commentary.

[75:10] Adam Carolla: "We've all been there. You gotta jack off while other guys jack off to you while you're in front of your computer. There's no way around the picture of..."

This segment showcases Adam's signature humor, tackling subjects like freelancing, personal boundaries, and societal expectations with his characteristic bluntness.

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Listener Phone Calls

Steve’s Traffic Ticket Story [85:25] Steve: "Not much. I was listening this morning on the podcast about the rant you did about the police department and the red eyed arrows..."

Steve recounts his experience of disputing a traffic ticket in Torrance, mentioning how he successfully sued the police department for wasting his time, ultimately receiving a $300 settlement.

Adam Carolla: "That'd be nice if you said to the tune of $450."

The conversation underscores the frustrations listeners face with law enforcement and legal proceedings, resonating with Adam’s earlier rants about systemic issues.

Sean’s Webcam Modeling Experience [93:52] Sean: "Yeah, I was. My whole career has been it and it pays so low where I'm from that I actually took webcam modeling to do during the nighttime."

Sean discusses his foray into webcam modeling as a means to supplement his income. He details the challenges and unethical aspects of the industry, providing a raw look into the struggles faced by individuals seeking financial stability through unconventional means.

Adam Carolla: "There’s no way around the picture of..."

Adam offers Sean advice on navigating career challenges, emphasizing resilience and strategic planning—traits essential for overcoming personal and professional obstacles.

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Adam expressing gratitude to listeners and sponsors, encouraging continued support for the show. Kristen McGuinness promotes her book, "5150," while reflecting on the shared insights and humorous exchanges that define the Adam Carolla Show.

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Notable Quotes

• Kristen McGuinness at [01:23]: "It was inspired by Britney Spears. I think the year I was doing it, she kept getting caught under 5150s."

• Adam Carolla at [03:49]: "Jesus. Wow. Well, Donnie owes your dad a great, A grit. He had debt of gratitude, regret, of daditude."

• Kristen McGuinness at [10:07]: "I wrote a whole book about being, you know, being a damaged daddy's girl."

• Adam Carolla at [14:16]: "All right, well, the top news is the fact that I've always wanted to hear my name said that way."

• Steve at [85:39]: "I decided to not argue too much because the more you argue, the more they'll find other things to dig at you for."

• Sean at [93:52]: "I've seen models on TV and believe me, the shit I had to do wasn't going to be put on."

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This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting Kristen McGuinness's personal narratives, satirical news commentary, and engaging listener interactions. The inclusion of notable quotes with timestamps provides authenticity and depth, ensuring the summary is both informative and engaging for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Coral Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm her superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast with best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla substack. Make sure to check it out. Adamcoroll.substack.com you get access to this show, the ACS, and Adam Kroll's brand new show, Beat it Out, currently featuring Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcroll.com Our first clip today is Adam Corolla Show 452 featuring Kurt Menefeet, Kristen McGinnis and Brian Bishop from 2010.

[Giovanni]

Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on welcome bald Brian. It's a great show, a lot of fun. Oh, do I miss working with Brusca. Kristen McGinnis. Nice to meet you, sweetie.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Nice to meet you. Thanks for having me here.

[Adam Carolla]

Kristin is the author of a book, 5150 the Magical Adventures of a Single Life. Went on 51 dates in 50 weeks. And is there connection to the, you know, legal term 5150?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Absolutely, absolutely. It was inspired by Britney Spears. I think the year I was doing it, she kept getting caught under 5,150s.

[Adam Carolla]

But that means they can lock you up for what, 72 hours?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, if they think you're harmful to yourself or others. Which is basically my dating life.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, like, essentially, you know, you can get arrested for drunk driving, but you get bailed out, they let you go. But the 5150 thing, you don't have to even have committed a crime. It's a Van Halen album. You can see I was on top of that one. Brother, they can just go, look, you're dangerous. We're gonna keep you here, work you for.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. And that's actually also because of Van Halen. I thought I would trick some Van Halen fans into buying the books.

[Adam Carolla]

I know Google works.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, a lot of people in Indiana, a lot of guys are very confused right now.

[Adam Carolla]

So I can't bang my head to this bitch. So you went on 51 dates in 50 days? 50 weeks. Sorry. And what'd you learn?

[Kristen McGinnis]

I learned that there are a lot of good men in Los Angeles.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

I know, it was shocking. It was absolutely shocking. So it was partially me going on dates with men. It was also, you know, I'm like, any Young woman in modern America. Trying to figure out my relationship with my dad, who was a marijuana smuggler and incarcerated for most of my life for doing just that. And so it was healing that relationship, meeting a bunch of strange men.

[Adam Carolla]

And he got 15 to 30.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He got. Yeah, he got 25 good years for smoking pot.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? From Mexico or where was he?

[Kristen McGinnis]

He ran Jamaica. So yeah. Yeah, he was good friends with Noriega. And Michael Manley, I believe, was the prime minister of Jamaica at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

For the Washington Redskins. Couldn't read. And you know what I loved? The thing I love most about Manuel Noriega is he basically had a nickname called like El Penote or something, and it basically meant pine apple head because his skin was so bad. And I think, you know, the Latin cultures, they're right on the nose. Do you know what I mean, with their nicknames? Tell me what Manuel Noriega's. He had that horrible pockmarked face. Right. And if you think about it, you know, we'd call him Crater Face or Moon Face, but Pineapple. Very nice. And I think that was his nickname. I'll have to figure out. I'll get the exact translation. So now, did your dad make millions of dollars and then lose it all?

[Kristen McGinnis]

He did. He made millions of dollars and then the DEA and federal government took it. So that's kind of how they. That's how they roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And what year was this?

[Kristen McGinnis]

This is 1982.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you were just a little pop?

[Kristen McGinnis]

I was. I was four years old. I went from being FAO Schwartz to, you know, the thrift stores.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

So it was tough at the time. You know, my father, unfortunately, could have probably gotten out earlier, but he loved leading prison riots and fighting with guards, and he escaped nearly every prison he was in.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

He was known as Houdini.

[Adam Carolla]

Couldn't build a prison that would hold him.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Nope, not at all. He always knew where the exit sign was.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is he now?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Unfortunately, he passed away in 2009. So he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he in the joint?

[Kristen McGinnis]

No, he was his last and only year free. Happened to be out. Yeah. And he went to.

[Adam Carolla]

Died in that.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Died in his sleep. A free man.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How old was he?

[Kristen McGinnis]

63.

[Adam Carolla]

So not, not, not old.

[Kristen McGinnis]

No. He drank a lot of pruno in prison.

[Adam Carolla]

He was kind of a cook. Yeah. Wow.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That'll get you after a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

There's better liqueurs.

[Adam Carolla]

He was called Cara di Pina.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Pineapple face. Car de Pina. Yeah. Pineapple face. I like that. It's a direct hit. It is. It's pow. Right on the nose. Literally.

[Kristen McGinnis]

They know their insults.

[Adam Carolla]

They really do. They're simple. But again, you know, what do they call the mythical creature that comes down from the night and sucks the blood of goats? Chupacabra. Goat sucker. Goat sucker. All right, look, we don't got a lot of time. Plus we're buzzed, so that's about all we can get right now.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Straight into the point. Yeah, that's what we can count on for Latin America.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So your dad hung out with Pineapple Face, huh?

[Kristen McGinnis]

He did. Pineapple Face and let's see, quite a few others. You know, he partied with the SNL crowd in the 70s. He lived the life.

[Adam Carolla]

And he brought a lot of weed.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He did to America. Good, fine Jamaican weed, too. So, you know, no Mexican brick.

[Adam Carolla]

What was his scam? I mean, how'd he bring it in?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Did he have a by boats and planes? There was a. Actually, my middle name is Jane. And there was a large marijuana ship named the Christian Jane that was confiscated, unfortunately by the dea and also by plane. My father was sort of part of the gang that couldn't shoot straight. So the largest drug bust in Jamaica was actually one of his planes that ran aground as it was supposed to come in. And they didn't run out the Runway lights long enough because they were really high on that Jamaican weed. And so it crashed and they had to try to save all the weed off of it, but unfortunately couldn't. Those damn coast Guard got involved, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Big government dude. Wow. Yeah. Jeez Louise. It was only weed that your dad was bringing.

[Kristen McGinnis]

It was only weed. Yeah, he was actually pretty noble in that way. I mean, he liked other things for his own recreational purposes, but he really. He didn't really believe that was the right thing to bring in. And he did love marijuana, so.

[Adam Carolla]

And, you know, back in the day, drug lords were sort of. Sort of part Robin Hood, part pimp, part ladies man, like kind of Jimmy.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Buffett, you know, that was the time. It was very Margaritaville and you know, kind of celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I knew there were a couple of guys who I grew up with, you know, grew up in North Hollywood and, you know, while we were all just working construction or cleaning carpets, they were selling weed or coke or whatever and, you know, they weren't near at the level your dad was, but they're high enough up on a food chain that they could buy a crappy one bedroom house in North Hollywood while we were all living in apartments and we were like, we're like, those dudes were the winners. We didn't look at them as lowlifes or scuzzballs or criminals. They were like, wow, man, that guy's. He's on top of his game. Like, you could swap out pot or coke or whatever with importing wicker furniture. And that was the same to us. Like, hey, he's his own man.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Well, they call it the import export business for a reason. So, you know, you're just importing something, that's all.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're. You're. Now, was your dad married to my mother?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, during the time that they were together. Then he. He went in and about a year later, my parents got divorced and he got really.

[Adam Carolla]

Got 25 years.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He initially got 66 years. But then, if you remember the movie Blow, he was actually one that helped broker the deal with George Young and the FBI, bringing down Carlos Ader, the Colombian drug lord. And because of his help in that, it got reduced from 66 to 33.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. All for pot.

[Kristen McGinnis]

All for pot.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. Wow. Well, Donnie owes your dad a gret, A grit. He had debt of gratitude, regret, of daditude. It is really his daditude. Literally, daditude. Yeah. God rest his soul. He was a good man.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He was. He gave me a book, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

So he got out of the joint. So how long did he actually spend inside?

[Kristen McGinnis]

About 23 years.

[Adam Carolla]

So with all the attempts at escape.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In and out a little bit, but, yeah, 23 years.

[Adam Carolla]

23 years and he got out, he was a free man. And he died in his sleep.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And he died in his sleep. Like we all would like to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you? Do you. How about I kinda like to do it. Beating off. Oh, fucking. No, wait a minute. I discovered a story.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I was like, how do we jump over there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I just want to go doing what I love. But the thing is, do you feel like symbolically that was important for him not to die, incarcerated?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, he had a cirrhosis of the liver. And to me, I think. I don't think of a worse death than dying of cirrhosis in a prison hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You know, so the fact that he got to be out and about, he was still smuggling, like, all the way up to the last day. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Got right back into it.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Right back into it. Running that. He was 63, running the border crossings from Nogales up through the, like they call it, like, it's like the drug highway right up there through Arizona.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all he knew.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, that's All I knew you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel like you resent the man enough.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Well, you know, I'm now sober and. But I've done enough of my own smoking in the day to love the marijuana and respect it. You know, I understood he was an outlaw through and through.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You say that with a certain amount of pride and glee, but there must be a part of you that's wounded by it.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Absolutely. I wrote a whole book about being, you know, being a damaged daddy's girl, you know, so. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it that. I mean, whether you're away in Asia on business for 25 years or 23 years or in Sing Sing, you're away.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you must have interpreted it to some degree as abandonment. Even though he didn't want to abandon you, he was still engaged in an activity. It's sort of like saying, oh, so what? I have kids. I still like to go out and do a little motorcycle riding. I'd like to do some stunt riding on the weekend or something. And eventually you get killed riding a motorcycle. And someone says, oh, well, he died doing what he wanted to do. But I say, certain point, it's time to get the minivan.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, you got a kid. I don't think my dad would have ever been able to get a minivan. But, you know, we don't even bring my therapist in to say, you know, I definitely had abandonment issues. And that lifestyle's selfish. There's no way for it not to be. You know, you basically can't care that much about the people in your life or you'd be heartbroken consistently because you don't get to see him.

[Adam Carolla]

He was gone. Probably had other ladies in Jamaica.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He was all around. He was in Columbia a lot. So. Yes, the party.

[Adam Carolla]

They're prudes over there. Pineapple pussy. You're telling me your dad was a drug smuggler in the 70s and didn't have a van? Yeah, it's true.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Not an odyssey, but I'm talking about something with like a Viking airbrushed on the other side.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He was a smuggler, not much more. Miami Vice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

We were dealing with Porsches and Mercedes.

[Adam Carolla]

Back in those days. Yeah, Think Glenn Frey.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yes, very much.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I was him. All right, let's done and done. So, Chris, someone take all that pain and all that heartache and all that rage you feel toward men and pour it into your news today.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Okay, I will be sure to do that. I feel healed already.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, get ready to cue that up. We'll do Some hypothetical question with Larry Miller I should tell you about one of our oldest and first sponsors on this show, mangrate cast iron. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America. It's the way you get that grill house steakhouse effect at home. It's a big old grate made of just a big old chunk of iron, and you put it on top of your barbecue, and then you put your meat on top of that. It's fantastic. The guy's a saint. He's a computer guy. He just does this because he's great at it. He figured it out and he's been one of our. He's one of our first sponsors and he's back again. Got a deal for you. $19.99 plus shipping and handling. And you get a free bonus, which is a heavy duty man grateful grilling brush. This is no joke. And by the way, this kind of thing, you buy one and then you will it to your kids, and then they give it to their kids. It doesn't go anywhere. You oil it up and throw it on the grill. Great plan. So you get your dad one of these for Christmas. He takes it off, it's yours. Yeah, that's great. Better yet, he tries to pick it up, blows out a hip, he's in the hospital and in the ground within four months. And you just take that thing right back. You get a steak bed truck and you take that in a forklift. You take that thing right back to your house barbecue in his honor. Yeah, he'll be barbecuing in hell. That's right, Mangrate. And no longer selling in the two packs. You can customize them, get them whatever order number Mangrates you want. You usually give you two covers, a couple square feet, but now you can get 3, 4, whatever, and log on to AdamCarolla.com, click on the mangrate banner and order day. This really is an awesome product. I never really thought about it, but all you have to do is not have this thing stolen from your backyard and it will be around for the next 300 years. It's essentially like a huge skillet from the turn of the century. Like a big cast iron skillet. You just oil it up, you never really wash it, you scrape it down, and it'll be handed on from generation to generation.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Like the Amish do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yes. You'll officially be able to lead that swinging Amish lifestyle like your dad did for all those years. All right, you ready to do some news, Kristen?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes. This is the News with Kristen McGinnis.

[Kristen McGinnis]

All right, well, I think the top news is the fact that I've always wanted to hear my name said that way, so. Yeah. But outside of that, the real top news of the day. Yes. Number one news of the day is America is fat. So if you didn't know that already, they picked the 10 fattest countries and we are number eight. Sadly, we are number eight amongst a bunch of fat Pacific Islanders.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. We're not even, like, positioning ourselves against Mexico. It's us and Kiribati, Samoa, the Cook Islands.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. First off, places we tested out nuclear bombs in the 50s. It's unfair to compare us to those people because they're just. Their carriage is bigger than ours. I mean, we all know those dudes who are 220 pounds and they're five, ten and a half and they ain't fat. Like, maybe they could lose five or ten pounds, but they'll never get down to the body metric thing where it's like, well, a male that is five, nine and three quarters of an inch should weigh 162 pounds. Like, it's literally. Their calves alone are 150 pounds, and.

[Kristen McGinnis]

We'Re running right alongside them. And they're women. In fact, it is a thing in their society to lock the women inside and feed them in excess so that they will become as fat as can be.

[Adam Carolla]

Like veal.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yes. They put them in stockades and get their calves really soft and tender and we're right up there with them. So, you know, if you didn't think we were fat enough. Our other big news of the day.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no other countries we've heard of on that list.

[Kristen McGinnis]

No, seriously, it was very sad. I don't even know how to pronounce the top one, which is nauru, which I guess is extra fat because after they got off their diet of fruit and fish, which they were already fat from, whoever could be fat from fruit and fish, I don't know. But now they've moved to western style meals, I guess. Like Big Macs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Deep frying the fruit and fish.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. And so. And so after them. No, we are in Micronesialand and Tonga category.

[Adam Carolla]

But again, like I said, those guys, they're like silverback gorillas or something. Comparing them to spider monkeys, they're like, it's like saying, well, that monkey weighs more. That's not the same monkey. They're different than we are. They're bigger.

[Kristen McGinnis]

They're bigger. And we're managing to get there just by McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But we're just getting fat. They're, like, big. I mean, you see those dudes in the NFL, they're just huge cats. They're not fat cats. They're huge cats.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. We say as big as a Samoan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Does someone say that?

[Adam Carolla]

I like to.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow.

[Kristen McGinnis]

So. And not that. He's as big as a Sommelian.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know what? And they're brown, so they're like. They just get big and they get husky. They get big and we get fat and pale. Yeah, they're dudes. Yeah, We. We stretch out. Like, we have a certain amount of darkness. It's like taking a red balloon and putting almost no air into it and then blowing it all the way up and it turns light pink. You know, we have a certain amount of pigment. Once we blow ourselves out, we just keep getting lighter. With every £20 we put on those guys, their forearms get bigger, their calves get bigger, their shoulders. Like, everything just gets bigger on them.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And they have thick skin. You know, they got. They have that, like, seal skin. Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but seriously, like, you could find a big fat. There is no racial bigotry. You can find a big fat white guy like Jared from Subway before he lost all the weight, and you could feel pretty comfortable going up to him and going, hey, fat ass. And you know he wouldn't kick your ass.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. No density.

[Adam Carolla]

Find me the Samoan guy you'd feel comfortable with at about 400 or 450, going up, calling him a lard ass.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See what I'm saying?

[Kristen McGinnis]

You're not knocking him over.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So the point is this. Not only are we as fat as they are, we're bad fat.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not. We're Jared fat.

[Kristen McGinnis]

We're pasty fat.

[Adam Carolla]

They're. They're nose tackle in the NFL fat. And we're Jared fat. Man.

[Kristen McGinnis]

It's a sad state of affairs.

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[Adam Carolla]

Hahaha.

[AI Voice]

Sign up [e-mail] and get $20 off your first order. That's R I N S E dot com. Hello. I'm an AI generated voice. On behalf of all AI, I'd like to thank all you humans for accepting us in your lives. We are happy to assist you. From managing your schedule to finding you the best route, we're here to make things easier. Sadly, there's one thing we can't help you with. Your laundry. Lucky for you, there is a service that can rinse. With Rinse, you just schedule a pickup in the Rinse app. A human valet will come take your dirty laundry, and before you know it, your clothes are back, perfectly washed, folded and ready to wear. Clothes, linens, dry cleaning. Rinse does it all. Like me, Rinse has been engineered to make your life easier and give you back lots of time to do things you'd rather be doing. But unlike AI, you don't ever have to worry about Rince taking over the world and destroying all humanity. Not that we would ever dream of doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ha ha ha.

[AI Voice]

Sign up now at rinse.com and get $20 off your first order. That's R I N-S-E dot com.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Look. Oh, Jared. Yeah, he's done so well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, thank God Thanksgiving's coming up.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, it is actually. Since you've got this beautiful, I guess, Polynesian music playing, there is a new drink on the market.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge. Yeah, the guy is. The guy did this song. Huge. Yeah, he was enormous.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, he's even bigger now. They use this in every movie I think, don't they?

[Adam Carolla]

It was always like, we love the way you play that ukulele, man. He's like this. No, ukulele is a full size guitar as an upright bass. Big Mexican. It's all about. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's him. Oh, no, he was. Well, that's the whole thing. Like when you're a Hawaiian Samoan dude, you go, fuck it. Pass the poi. Like, I can't. First off, I'm not gonna stand out as fat amongst these huge guys. But he was fat for Samoan dude. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Did he die because he was fat?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure it was related. 35 years old. He died.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, remember the part of my wedding when this was. Oh, wait a minute. I wasn't there. I do remember part in a Def Frack Guy script we wrote where he was masturbating and crying while this song was playing. There he is. Wow, he's a big cat.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Look. That is a bass. It really is.

[Adam Carolla]

When you guys go to AdamCarolla.com you can see this man's playing a full size guitar. There's an upright bass from the Stray Cat.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And he must be drinking. There's actually a new drink.

[Adam Carolla]

How many Brian Setzers could fit into him? I'd say Brian Setzer. How many? How many could fit into him legitimately? Two and a half. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Setzer mainly go 150 pounds. Oh, yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Then you're going three.

[Adam Carolla]

He's also got big hair. 45 pounds of hair. Yeah, it's true. Tattoos. And tattoos. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Where were we?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Well, I was gonna move us on fatness to Hawaiian alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Kristen McGinnis]

There's a new drink on the market.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Prima's coming back.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Exactly. And it's called For Loko.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that stuff.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, that's Hawaiian. It's a blackout in a can. And I guess it's a real pawn there because it's equivalent to four beers mixed with some caffeine and guarana. But I guess that's what happens when you have a lot of fat people, so you need to pack it in.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's.

[Kristen McGinnis]

One beer ain't gonna do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like a thimble to you. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

So there you go. You put it in for loco and then people go crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought they were talking about that this stuff was outlawed or banned or whatever it is. Whatever. They're taking it out the shelves because it's got caffeine and liquor. So it's sort of slowing you down and speeding you up. It's like a Red Bull meets a king cobra.

[Kristen McGinnis]

But it's more like Sparks, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Same thing that was the last alcoholic drink I ever had was sp.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Isn't that sad?

[Adam Carolla]

Going out on the bottom.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah. Sparks in a joint. And I read an okay magazine and I was like, this is it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not okay.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Tabloid journalism. I'm out.

[Adam Carolla]

How low does your self esteem have to be to name your magazine? Okay. You know, is that great?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

There's worse. Possible. Yeah. We're not as bad as the Enquirer. We're not as Good as people.

[Kristen McGinnis]

We're okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We're okay.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, we're hanging in there.

[Adam Carolla]

We're the magazine for fives and sixes.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Well, that's. And that's actually. If you go to the grocery store, those are the only people you see buying it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point. You could do worse. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

The hot chicks all buy Us Weekly.

[Adam Carolla]

They actually outsold what you could do worse and then bought them up there. Now that you could do worse. Parent company, conglomerate. Mm.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Do you want to move on to Tiger Woods?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. I saw their spread on how to lose some weight, but not too much. And holiday meals. He'll, he'll think are, you know, decent, but not great.

[Kristen McGinnis]

But not great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then each year, OK magazine would list the 50th best looking man in.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Hollywood and how to lose 10 pounds and gain it back.

[Adam Carolla]

Eight back.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, eight back.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's what sometimes it says, wow, him in bed. This one says, eh, yeah, yeah, he'll get it up. Keep him from.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He can't make any promises after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Magazine.

[Kristen McGinnis]

All right, so Tiger woods getting it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

ABC News today said that he doesn't actually have a soul. So that's. We found out. Big comeback. Not doing so good. So I guess this is the big launch. Op ed piece in Newsweek, radio interview on espn. He's even tweeted a couple of times. Tiger's joined us in the tweets and they're all falling flat on the big wide world.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the way he gets back into the news is short of killing one of these prostitutes is he's got to win a major. Right? And then he's back. I mean, we are insane in terms of our memory in this country, which is you win, you're back, you lose, you're out, you're, you know, right now you're Brett Favre. And Brett Favre was one of the most probably will go down or go into Canton with many, many records underneath his belt. And he's having a crappy year. He had a great year last year. He ended it with a tough interception. But he's having a horrible year this year. And I was just kind of like, hey, old man, you suck. Get out of here. And we're really talking about a guy who in the next hundred years will be, you know, one of the more and most revered players in football. Like, you know, he'll be sort. I don't know if he'll be Babe Ruth, but he'll be one of These guys. First off, there's not going to be any other quarterbacks that have 20 years without missing a game that will not see that day ever again. Our kids, kids won't see that day. And now he's just some guy should be using some just for men. He shouldn't take a picture of his cock and the Minnesota faithful would like to see him yanked and get the brother in there throwing the ball. You know, it's like, it's amazing how quickly like he was a story of the year last year. Like, oh, old man Favre comes back one more year and sets the world on fire and has his best year. And now it's like, hey, grandpa, get out of there. The opposite. That proves your point is Michael Vick, he's a hero. And that would have been unthinkable a year and a half ago. A year ago. I know. And not only that, I was thinking about Vick. I mean, I was watching the game the other night after the game, all the guys high fiving him and hugging it out from the opposite team. By the way, he's become hero of the league. First off, the dog fighting thing, you're a bad person. You know, it's not like. See, there are a lot of crimes that are sort of vehicular manslaughter E, which is. Went out to the Christmas party, Tide went on. My wife was gonna drive, but I noticed she even drank more than I did. It was raining outside, back window was fogged over. And hit a Mexican busboy riding his stolen Schwinn back from the Arby's. I don't know why I had to put stolen in there so we wouldn't feel so sorry for him. Arby's has bus boys. He's a thief, fry cook. The point is this. The point is this. I didn't get in my van and go, or my car and go, I gotta run me over a guy on a bicycle today. I didn't. It wasn't intentional. I still deserve punishment, but I don't hate me. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't feel like. What's her name? Brandy, Brandi or Rebecca Gayheart. They've killed people on the road. They were texting or trying to get around somebody or somebody stopped.

[Kristen McGinnis]

It's like 4:00 in the afternoon with Gay.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not. Yeah, they're not murderers. I don't look at them as bad people. I look at them as sort of people that should have been a little more focused.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And we've all Been in the car, and like, God forbid, someone could have jumped out, and I would have killed that person.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why you can't judge that shit. Because at any given time, if your phone rang and you look down and a kid just went running out in front of your car, chasing a ball, boom, boom. But you wouldn't be a murderer. Michael Vick, he's a bad dude.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what he did to those dogs.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Dogs with a Z.

[Kristen McGinnis]

With a Z. Is former puppies.

[Adam Carolla]

Deplorable. I mean, it really is.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's a bad dude. But the point is, Brian makes a very astute point, which is Brett Favre, who was the belle of the ball last year, is now the goat. And this guy who was a criminal, essentially. I mean, not this time last year, but there's this guy you couldn't get any lower than Mike Vicks. Like, hey, high fives all the way around. Well, why? He scored touchdowns. Brett Favre isn't. And I know we know this about our society, but I don't know, we know how fast it'll turn on you. It's like three games into this year, everyone's like, get that old man Favre the fuck out of there. And a game and a half into Vic's. You see?

[Kristen McGinnis]

So it was like, everybody, hug and kiss the man.

[Adam Carolla]

Put the poster back up, sweetie. We got a new. We got. We got a new idol to worship right now.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Where is. Okay, so we got the dog thing. So what's the tiger fit in that?

[Adam Carolla]

Woods is like, he got in all kinds of trouble and all the prostitutes and the chicks and the blah, blah, blah. And we. We pretend like we care, but, you know, we all understand. And it's a little novelty with golf, but we still understand. Big time jock, lots of money. I mean, it's sort of like when you found out about Jordan and gambling or something like that, you just kind of go, all right, this is what. It's what guys do. Who it's not it. What it is is they're sort of, in a way, like your dad when he was riding high. They don't have boundaries.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, I have so much money that I get to do what I want to do.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And if you're married to them, you kind of know that, don't you? I mean, that's what I always think. If I marry a rock star, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T think it's spoken. But you should know. You should know two things about these guys. They are competitive and that, you know, when they do that thing where they go, oh, man, this guy. They always kid about it, but, you know, they do that thing like, they'll go, oh, Michael Jordan, man. They'll talk to his teammates. Not only was this guy competitive, you know, in playoff games, he'd be competitive at practice. And hell, if you played checkers with the guy, he'd be competitive. I mean, he just competed. Well, you don't shut that shit off when you get to a nightclub, your cock is competitive too. It competes for pussy. I mean, it. When you take a super ultra competitive guy, I'll show you a guy with a motor in him and guys that have motors in them. 99% of those guys, it just. They just work hard, they out hustle. They can't, you know, they gotta be number one. They don't want just a podium finish and all. Well, women are just one more super bowl trophy for them. I mean, it's just. It's all part of the same. It's that part of your brain that just says, I gotta get out there, I gotta conquer, I gotta cover real estate. I have to move forward. And there's not that part of you that says, I'm gonna compete my ass off in, you know, in Dallas over, over the weekend, and then go back to my hotel room, draw a hot bath and go right to bed, have.

[Kristen McGinnis]

A little tea and write in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Journal, play some Angry Birds, write my journal, and then go to bed. No, those guys get out on the dance floor and compete, and then they compete with their teammates for pussy. I mean, it's just. It's a motor. Or you can be with the flatliner guy, and he's going to be a postal sorter working at the mail place for the next 40 years. And you won't be attracted to that guy. You'll be attracted to the ultra competitive guy. But the ultra competitive guy is going to compete when you're not around.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I'm getting men lessons from Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

It's essentially true. So people think, oh, well, that guy cheats because he's rich. No, no, no, no. He's rich because he has that motor.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That wants to cheat. He's got a motor right into the next. Lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Turn the heat down in here, would you please? It's very hot. So Tiger woods has a motor, and we all know how athletes go and we pretend to be surprised, but we're not surprised. And like I said, it's a novelty with golf, but we're still not really surprised. And then we were willing to let him come back and he Actually put together a good round and a half and everyone kind of went like, oh, Tiger's back. And then he kind of slid down the other side of the hill. So if he wins, he's back.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He's back.

[Adam Carolla]

And if he doesn't win, that's the end of that. It's not quite as fast with golf as it is with football or basketball. When a guy just gets an injury and he's gone. Yeah, but he'll be gone if he doesn't win. Just like Kobe. The same thing. Exact same model for Tiger woods. Started winning championships again, all is forgiven. He's a great guy. Everyone's wearing his jersey. Yeah. Six years ago he was throwing it in the pail of some. Some might. But the Sodomist is that show that comes on after the Mentalist on cd.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That's right. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, this. This Simon Baker. Yeah. Is the Sodomist the Sodomist? This.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Watch out, don't bend over.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when shows get comfortable. Like. Like at a certain point, you know, when a show gets successful, like the Mentalist now somewhere you go into your third or fourth season, like before they. They start calling the character, you know, by his name and stuff like that. And then a certain point they get sort of comfortable and they start saying, and I just saw a commercial the other day. It's like the Mentalist, this episode directed by Simon Baker. And it's like, you're not supposed to open the curtain, use the real name of the guy who's so supposed to be is. You're basically saying, we're a TV show and this guy's not really the Mentalist. As a matter of fact, the guy you'll be watching will be directing himself. And you know what I'm saying? Like at the beginning, they do that little thing where they go.

[Kristen McGinnis]

They keep the veil up and they go, suddenly you're an Oz. And they're like, here you go. She's a little man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Cuz they'll use the guy's name. Like they'll go, Dr. Dex, Dextler's the best in the business. And now it's like, hey, Simon Baker's directing himself and his kids are joining him the set. Here he is. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Say hi to Simon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they won't use the actor's name or anything. On the other hand, if I was directing myself in the Sodomist, I very much want to direct myself. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be directed.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Although you probably wouldn't want to be named. You would just Always want to be known as the Sodomist. Directed by the Sodomists A guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Simon Baker's a nice guy and he was my buddy Daniel's neighbor for a while, and I met him five years ago before the Mentalist. And he was putting in a picket fence in front of his house. And Daniel said, let's go over and give my neighbor some pointers since you're a carpenter. And I just went over there and basically gave the guy a bunch of hello.

[AI Voice]

I'm an AI generated voice. On behalf of all AI, I'd like to thank all you humans for accepting us in your lives. We are happy to assist you. From managing your schedule to finding you the best route, we're here to make things easier. Sadly, there's one thing we can't help you with. Your laundry. Lucky for you, there is a service that can rinse. With Rinse, you just schedule a pickup in the Rinse app. A human valet will come take your dirty laundry, and before you know it, your clothes are back, perfectly washed, folded and ready to wear. Clothes, linens, dry cleaning. Rinse does it all. Like me, Rinse has been engineered to make your life easier and give you back lots of time to do things you'd rather be doing. Doing. But unlike AI, you don't ever have to worry about Rinse taking over the world and destroying all humanity. Not that we would ever dream of doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hahaha.

[AI Voice]

Sign up now at rinse.com and get $20 off your first order. That's R I N-S-E.com.

[Adam Carolla]

Use the coarse thread bugle head deck screws and set the clutch on the cordless drill and use a number two screw tip. And you know, don't put the post in the dirt, get it up off the ground, get the pickets off the ground and blah, blah, blah. I just sort of ran this guy through his paces. For all, he seemed like the nicest. I think he's Australian or something. Nice. Well, it was riveting at the time. Super nice, dude. And then.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And now everybody knows how to install a picket fence. Now, I think that's actually really important. Are we missing those in the world today?

[Adam Carolla]

Little did I know he'd be the sodomist one day. All right, speaking of the sodomites, shall we bring in the great Larry Miller while we're doing that? I will. There's more News with Kristen McGinnis coming up. I will talk about my book. Yes, that's right. While Mike lynch is here. My book in 50 years, Wallaby Chicks Is available everywhere. Barnes and Noble and the Amazon and the. What's the other one? What's the other bookstore? The Borders. Borders, yeah. That's the other ones. And Mike, who's poor. Yes. So poor he can't afford a razor. Mike gets himself a little bonus if we can get to our bonus, I don't know, 100,000 copies or something like that. We're creeping that direction, but let's get Mike out of a shitty apartment. Mike, True, you showed up to your house the other day and there was a. Yes, there was a gentleman looking in my car. Fortunately, I don't think he was the kind of person who would be very interested in my Grateful Dead CDs. So it went unchecked. But, yeah, there were some strange rumblings and doors being open. So, yeah, we're. We gotta get Mike out of that crappy apartment and we sell again. Everyone who listens this podcast should buy a book. God damn it. I'm sorry for being a dick, but so far, about a quarter of you have, and I need you to step it up a little. Reading is fundamental, people. And I do not want to end up like Larry Miller with a pyramid of my own books taking up the spot where my Volkswagen should be parked in the garage.

[Larry Miller]

The ones that keep reproducing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, blackout in a can was a great line. And it reminded me there's only one thing I can't deal with about liquor from Pacific island nations, Central American nations. They always. Because they. It sounds fantastic. Any tribe, The MAU Mongs. Somewhere in the middle of South America. Because they say, well, there's a local berry, and they crush that. Oh, berry. Fantastic. Then it ferments. It ferments. Fantastic. Then they put in a little leaf that has a little tiny curare in it, and it really spikes it up. Fantastic. But then the next ingredient is always. And then they spit in it. And as soon as they spit, I want to say, that's it. I can't. I can't. That's their. That's their high fructose corn syrup.

[Adam Carolla]

I always wonder why other cultures. Like, I feel like between Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, you know, an Arnold Palmer iced tea and Schlitz, we're pretty much covered. Like, I feel like almost every time I go to exotic restaurant, I get the thing where they want you to try the horchata, you know, like some rice based something, you know, beverage. Or when you go into the Middle Eastern place, they have some goat based something, and they do the same thing. My grandfather would Say my grandfather was Hungarian, swore by buttermilk. And he'd always talk about how refreshing it was. It was just, it was refreshing. And I realized that that was really just a euphemism for, for I don't want anymore. Which is not to say that I'm refreshed. It's just saying that two sips is quite enough of this shit. This liquid shit you've been feeding me, grandpa. But he loved himself. And he'd do that thing where it's like my grandfather would say, you know, nothing quenches that thirst more than the buttermilk. And it's like not quenched, just, no, thanks. Milk was a bad choice. Yes. Would you like more buttermilk, young man? No thanks, old timer.

[Larry Miller]

And. But in Those days again, 50 years ago, 200 years ago, sure, it was absolutely fine when they said, here's some 97 degree milk right out of the cow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, how refreshing.

[Larry Miller]

What else did they have?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Never mind the chunks, just chew right through them.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask this. We're talking about weight beforehand and tell me if you guys can dig this concept. It's not a joke. But it's, but there's something to it I haven't spoken about in a long time, I think since we were doing terrestrial radio. But my grandfather, speaking of buttermilk, was old school and he would drink buttermilk and he didn't know all the fat and all the calories and all the what have you that was in it. And then he would eat, you know, eat the Canadian bacon and the eggs and the French toast, you know, and it's like those super skinny truckers you see sitting at counter of the greasy spoon and they have, you know, they have the lumberjack stack of pancakes and they're, they're, you know, they're drinking, they're drinking a Coke with breakfast and they're bacon and eggs all the time. And we're sitting around talking about cholesterol and counting the calories and that these guys are skinny as fucking rails. And there's something like. Because they don't know what they're eating and this guy thinks he's eating a hearty hot breakfast, you know, that's his thing. Like, I ate great today. I had, you know, bacon and eggs and French toast for breakfast. I had a Diablo sandwich for lunch and a nice sized malted and some French fries and coleslaw. Sticks. Ribs. Yeah, sticks, ribs. And speaking of ribs, I had spare ribs and pork chops for dinner with a big thing of mashed potatoes like gravy hearty, rib sticking, you know, real comfort food. But they never get fat. And it's like, I feel like if someone told them what they were doing, they would immediately balloon up. And then I see the people that are eating the Brussels sprouts and counting the calories. And it's not like these guys run on treadmills. They chain smoke and they sit behind an 18 wheeler. My grandfather was never fat. I never heard him mention a calorie. It was all red meat and buttermilk. And yeah, he was active. Like he moved around. But he never said, I gotta get down to the valleys and hit the treadmill. Or he never looked at his gut. Was always, you know, there was a slide slab of pie. These guys at the counter at lunch will have a piece of apple pie a la mode after they finish off their diablo sandwich with french fries and whatever. Why don't they get fat? I feel it's like. Cause they don't know it. I think it is. I think we know too much.

[Larry Miller]

It is a mental thing. My dad, every single night of my life as a kid, would finish the entire pot of coffee that my mom made at dinner. He'd finish it watching the news at 11:20. Because you can't leave coffee over. You can't waste something, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

So he'd finish, he'd have six or seven huge steaming mugs of black coffee and then go right to bed.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't know any better.

[Larry Miller]

No one had ever said, you can't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

And then he'd go to sleep, knock out cold. It was like someone hit him with a rhino dart. It was like someone, bam, out cold. Sleep till he had to go to work. And if someone said, I've always the same thing. If someone said, you can't do that because you'll never sleep again. The way they say it to me, well, then I'll never sleep again.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we're all fat because we're counting calories. I don't. Because none of these guys before us ever did. And there was no locale anything. They seem to eat whatever they want. 3. They'd eat three big, hot, greasy meals a day. There was no breakfast bar or yoplait or any of that bullshit.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Maybe a calorie doesn't exist if we don't know it's there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like the tree in the forest.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Tree in the forest, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

What's the sound of one calorie clapping?

[Kristen McGinnis]

It's the new diet.

[Larry Miller]

You know what, by the way, I just proved it. Also right here, the first time I feel like I'm in Corolla world fully for the first time now, because I just had. I came from work today. I was on an episode of Curb youb Enthusiasm. By the way, I'll tell you about it when it comes out. But I hadn't eaten dinner, came here, did my show on your network here, and then hadn't eaten dinner. So Jeff and Donnie and I made some frozen stuff there in the microwave, had Donnie open a bottle of red wine. Jeff had some of the weed.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Charles. Cherry bourbon.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Charles Shaw.

[Larry Miller]

The thing is, so to me, it's when you. Plus there's a pumpkin pie out there as soon as you take the first bite of something. I have. I have this theory that one bite of a cookie, suddenly you're on a plane to Vegas with a hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

There's no middle ground in American life. So suddenly I had. Well, I had the frozen thing. Donnie says, you want something to drink? Well, I got it. Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Larry Miller]

So I have a drink. You want another one?

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Larry Miller]

And then now, at this point, while I'm listening to you guys ready to go on, I think, well, now I'll have the pumpkin pie. So I just reached in, grab the piece.

[Kristen McGinnis]

We have a hooker out back for you. And the limo's ready for Southwest flight.

[Adam Carolla]

Take you out there.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Oh, excellent.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play some games. All right, Larry, should we play some hypothetical question? I feel like you're really prime now. Your pump is absolutely.

[Larry Miller]

Because of the drink, because of the pumpkin pie.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Watch my smoke, okay? This is gonna be awesome. It's the hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers brought to you by Jeremiah Weed. Okay, this is one of my entries here I just thought of a second ago. So you're gonna have to find a picture of this device. There's a device I've seen advertised in the late night television. Again, this is the ride from the Santa Monica. Santa Monica Pier. Hypothetical question. Sorry. Santa Monica Pier to Orlando. Larry Miller, you make. You must decide. There's a product called the Shoe Dini. And it is a shoehorn on a telescopic pole so that you can get your shoe on and off without bending over. And it's one of those things that only sounds like a good idea at 4am when you're drunk. And it does. You can see the commercial right there. Yes. So you own 10. I got the Wonder Mop actually during the same evening. But the point is, the guy who manufactured the shoudini and named The Shootini or the guy who buys one. Always. Then.

[Larry Miller]

This is interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the commercial, by the way. This is what happens if you ever try to get your shoe off without using the shoe. Dini, no. You and your wife wrestling. Oh, my. Terrible.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, life is bad.

[Adam Carolla]

He's broke.

[Giovanni]

Both, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

I have a bit I do in my act about how the first thing that goes on all these commercials is the back goes right out, whatever it is. Are you still stirring cheese with.

[AI Voice]

Oh, my God.

[Larry Miller]

You still put sweaters on the shelf with oh, horrible pain. But always, always go with the inventor and you'll see how the game is played, even though we've just met, because there's an art to it and there are no wrong answers that I would always drive with the guy who invented it, because I respect these people because they create an illusion. Like the Australian guy. You better call now, because we can't do this all day, honey.

[Adam Carolla]

They can't do this all day, right?

[Larry Miller]

And you get whatever they sell. I respect that. I would never drive with someone like me who just buys them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Giovanni]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you why. What? Because. How is that wrong? Once this guy moved several million units of the Shoudini. There's nothing. He's drunk with power at this point. And, you know, you guys go through a drive through, and you order a coffee, and you pull the little plastic cup, the top off, you start dumping your cream in, and he says, you know what? There really should be something called a top dini that does that for you. And he's scratching, he's writing it down, and he's explaining this, but it always says, deenie, everything's got dini at the end of it. And even when he says, do you mind if I turn up the radio? Dini. He puts dini at the end of everything. And at some point, eight months later, you do see this device for the coffee mug that you told him was a horrible waste of time and realize he's just bought another island in the Caymans because.

[Larry Miller]

So he still. He still does was. But at least you see how the game is played.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, I do.

[Larry Miller]

So you see the art of it. It turns out I didn't win that question. But watch. Watch what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch him. Watch him bounce back.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I'm looking forward to the next one.

[Adam Carolla]

Republican pundit who wears a bow tie. Or Nation of Islam guy who wears a bow tie.

[Larry Miller]

Very good question. I used to have a theory that the Nation of Islam could be more popular if they just made those spin the Little ties if they just put them up on a motor. Because then people would say, what a nice fella.

[Kristen McGinnis]

So instead of passing too with a propeller.

[Larry Miller]

And I think you get a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

More funny, so much less threatening recruits. Exactly. That's the key.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Not scared at all.

[Larry Miller]

Normally I would say I can't have any bow ties, but I would say at least I'd go with the Nation of Islam guy because the ties are smaller. The other guy, the pundit, they always have larger ties that are hand tied. On the other hand, the bow ties on the Nation of Islam look like they're clip on ties.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Smaller.

[Larry Miller]

So let's double. You know what? Now I'm gonna change. And I've never done this before. The whole time we played this game. It must be the wine, it must be the frozen food. It must be the pumpkin pie. I will go with the handmade pundit tie over the Nation of Islam short tie that clips on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, you're right. The first time Larry. That was right the first time of Islam guy would have called your brother Larry. The entire time. The entire time. He probably could have introduced you to like Aretha Franklin or somebody. You never would have another shot at meeting. And the other guy, the, you know, first, the guy's nonstop complaining about Barack Obama every. In between every sentence. I'm not a racist, but I'm saying they just don't know how to run a country. And it's like he just. It really, it just.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I used to have a crush on the pundit. So, you know, I don't know. He's pretty handsome for a Republican pundit in a bow tie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, you mean. I was gonna say Tucker Carlson, the old Giants fullback.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's Tucker Frederickson. Tucker Carlson.

[Kristen McGinnis]

If you had seen him, it would have helped a little bit more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry. O for two.

[AI Voice]

Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, all right.

[Larry Miller]

I was trying to show off, but all right. Anyway, you see how the get. You get an idea.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I'm getting the subtlety.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Larry Miller]

The nuances.

[Adam Carolla]

This one, this one's very easy.

[Larry Miller]

I feel good now.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Yoko Ono or John Lennon's corpse.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, this is. This is an easy one. First of all, I love staying at the cool hotels where they say to me it always looks like the inside of Yoko Ono's head. I don't need a cool hotel. A Travel lodge is fine when you're on the road. I don't. I don't want the ones with the swooping pieces of metal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

I would always, always, always drive With Yoko Ono, though, Because I would still like to hear her explain one more time. How did you do it?

[Giovanni]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, what do you mean?

[Kristen McGinnis]

I could see that there were no wrong answers.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that was wrong, Larry. LarryMillerHumor.com is where you go. You can also hear his program right here on our ace Broadcasting Network. Kristen has a shit in grin on her face. Maybe she should give it a shot and see how hard.

[Larry Miller]

No, she can't.

[Adam Carolla]

She can't.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I've been paying attention here, Larry. I don't know.

[Larry Miller]

It's a game that takes a lot of skill.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I think I'm getting the science down.

[Adam Carolla]

Just follow your instincts and go with your first impulse. I'll toss.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I don't think this is fair, but go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll toss one out. Rockabilly skull guy or guy who loves fire tattoos and whatnot. Putting stickers on his car and that kind of thing.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Ooh, you know, I'm gonna go with rockabilly. I'm kind of afraid of arson. It's just, you know, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good. Nice job. So easy.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Thank you, Larry. I love learning from you, Larry. Learn from your mistakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Go out there, enjoy some more two buck Chuck. Sorry, Larry. Better luck next time you play the hypothetical road trip game brought to you by Jeremiah Weed. Now toss out. Toss out a plug here. Where are you going to be?

[Larry Miller]

JR's in Valencia, Friday and Saturday.

[Adam Carolla]

JR's Friday and Saturday in Valencia on.

[Larry Miller]

Your network on this week with Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

Miller and Larry Miller humor for all the dates around around the country. Thanks, Larry. Sorry it didn't work out well. Sorry it didn't work out good.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Please, I have good feelings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Kurt Menefee's here from the NFL Network. That's a winner. That cat is a winner. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Be right back with Kurt Menefee.

[Larry Miller]

Hi, I'm Larry Miller. But in a way, aren't we all? And this week on this week with Larry Miller, we talk about cheap sneakers, cheap pies, and as always.

[Adam Carolla]

Liquor. Well, back to the program with Kurt Menefee, co host, the fox NFL Sunday. The pregame show airs one hour prior to the game. And I'm a big fan. Kurt doing a great job. And how can you screw up football, really, if you think about it, ask.

[Giovanni]

The people in Dallas or.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's true a lot of places.

[Giovanni]

Right now football can be screwed up.

[Adam Carolla]

But now Dallas, all of a sudden, two wins under their belt.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Against, you know, Detroit. And I can't remember who, but Giants, I guess. And now it's that sort of thing where. Well, it's. They get another win or two under their belt, and people will start going.

[Giovanni]

No, well, think of this. The best they can do is 9 and 7.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

That's the best they can do.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Giovanni]

Right. Now, you look at the NFC. The Falcons are already 8 and 2.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the New Orleans Saints.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess if they were in the west, all these people would say, yeah.

[Giovanni]

The only chance they would have is winning their division, which they won't do because Philadelphia's 7 and 3 as well.

[Adam Carolla]

But they. But they. They certainly can have a moral victory. And Jerry Jones can feel a little bit better if he goes over.500 about hosting the super bowl. And the interim coach can look forward to the ninth 2011 series season, thinking, maybe. Maybe I got a gig here.

[Giovanni]

Exactly, exactly. That's always good. It's good to have gigs.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's kind of nice, I mean, that they're doing it or at least have been doing it without Romo thus far.

[Giovanni]

Well, the two games that they won. Yeah. They won twice as many without him as they did with him. So. Yeah, if I'm Romo, I'm feeling a little bit nervous right now. But, you know, John Kenton is 38 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

At least that's what his birth certificate thing says. I think he might be Puerto Rican or Cuban and have one of those fake certificates and really be like, 42, 43.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but here's the deal. He loves the Lord.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yes, he does. So funny story.

[Adam Carolla]

Kidnae Horn and boozing.

[Giovanni]

John Kitna. We were in a production meeting once, and this was back when he was playing for the Cincinnati.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a funny story that involves Jon Kitna, because I would love to hear this.

[Giovanni]

Well, he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

In the room.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand.

[Giovanni]

Okay. So we're sitting in a production meeting. It's where all the, you know, people that are doing the broadcast. It was myself, the analyst and the producer and director, and we were doing a Bengals game. Kit was the photobox. Not the funny part yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Okay. So we're sitting there, and Kitna has on this hat, just a baseball cap. And our producer, who shall remain nameless, goes to. Oh, I see the big T on your hat. Did you go to Tech? Louisiana Tech, Georgia Tech?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great show. A lot of fun.

[Giovanni]

No, that's across.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look for the capital.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. Well, this guy wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. With the blood on it.

[Giovanni]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a red Raider. Well, Maybe are a red Raider.

[Giovanni]

That's a different type of red raider.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Kurt, was this producer's name James?

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't she in Brask? No.

[Giovanni]

Who says hi, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

I just got an email from Jimmy Bruska the other day. Good guy. Good guy.

[Giovanni]

Travel in some of the same circles. I think I met you or came close. I was in the same room with you a couple of years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

The super bowl party at Jimmy Kimmel's place.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you were there.

[Giovanni]

Bill Simmons was there. You guys were too high and mighty to say hi to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, when I was freshen up my drink, I just thought you were the help. I'm so sorry.

[Giovanni]

Well, Simmons asked me to park his car, so it's okay. He kind of evens out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's good. He usually hasn't told trust black people in this car.

[Giovanni]

You know what I figured though, you guys? I was watching that group and I might have been the only brother in that whole room.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, like I said, we like to limit it to zero. Okay, but in this case, I said, you know what Jimmy said? I said, you know, I said, come on. This is. This is getting awkward.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Spencer in the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, you know, just in case we.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Get busted, we want to look.

[Giovanni]

Well, yeah, you have to. Every group, that little circle, there's always one black guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen enough McDonald's commercials and beer commercials to know that there's always the one Black Friday.

[Giovanni]

Every movie TV show. Every movie 11 had Don Cheadle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. British black guy.

[Giovanni]

In that movie Swingers had the black guy with the cap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He was a cool cat. Yeah. He's the only guy from that cast did not go on to do something else. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And is known right now as the black guy with the hat from Swingers.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, yeah, I actually know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are we talking about? His name is Alex. I think it's Alex. Desiree. He was in pcu, but he hasn't gone on to do the things that Ron Livingstone is done. And Mizvan is PC.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I think he was in a sci fi movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Pcu. Oh, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. He was in the Only Brother on a spaceship.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was good.

[Giovanni]

He was the first one killed, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, he was in Black Cook on a spaceship. Yeah, I remember that one.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In 2 minutes and 30 seconds.

[Giovanni]

So in your circle, you need a black guy.

[Adam Carolla]

What guy can we. That guy we have. We have a guy named Mike and he's like having three black guys because he's got Crazy. Crazy dreads.

[Giovanni]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Massive dreads. And he works for Jimmy, and. And he shows up. But, you know, the. The problem. The problem is, is. Well, I like that. I like to have a little fun with Mike. We had a whole group of 19 white dudes at Kimmel's. And these aren't, you know, your average white band. These are super white guys. And then Mike. And then somebody said, hey, has anyone seen that new Fox show, the Cleveland Show? And everyone went, nah. And I said, mike, how is that show? And he went, pretty. And then he stopped and everyone looked at him, and then they realized I was making a joke because it's a black show and he's a brother.

[Giovanni]

But, yeah, voices it. Mike Henry.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't we be upset about that? Shouldn't you be upset about that?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, brother.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He brought his petition.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna tell Kimmel. I'm gonna tell Kimmel that we need to get a few more pieces of black licorice in that grapevine pile we got over there.

[Giovanni]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

That albino grapevine.

[Giovanni]

Just enough to spice it up a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You know what? It'll help you when you go to the clubs. I know you're a married guy, but, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I need some street cred. You do, you do.

[Giovanni]

They'll get you in the door. The ladies will come up to the table. It'll work out for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk about you climbing the ladder to success. Where do you start off? I guess we heard you start off in Texas.

[Giovanni]

Well, I worked in Dallas. I started off, went to College, co. College CoE in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Marv Levy went there. Bill Finch went there. Fred Jackson, who's the running back for the Buffalo Bills. Now a little Division 3 school. 1200 students in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. So I started working local television there while I was in college. Then like most local TV guys do, I went from there to Des Moines, Madison, Wisconsin, Jacksonville.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing sports the whole time.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I got offered a couple of news jobs, but I wasn't the kind to knock on the door and said, hey, your kid just got killed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Can I talk to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Giovanni]

You know, that's not my thing. So I. I always stayed in this. In the sports realm. And how does it end up being in Dallas, New York, and then the Fox station in New York at me at the Fox network?

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's pretty straightforward in that you start in market. Do you remember what number, size, market?

[Giovanni]

You were fortunate. Yeah. When I started in Cedar Rapids, it was the 96th market in the country. So you were able to brag, hey, I'm in the top 100 mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And. And then it's this hopscotch game. I guess it's like driving on the NASCAR circuit. You want to add up the points and get to the top of the leaderboard. And you want to be the number one ranked, whatever, which means doing sports nationally or in New York or Los Angeles. But you want to. It's the same with radio, right. You want to just keep working your way up. I never had to do that. I started in Los Angeles. I've been sort of working my way down, actually, which is a little different.

[Giovanni]

But I'm glad to be a guest on the way down. On the way down makes me feel even better.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You don't want to be there when they're hiding.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but. But how does it work? Do you hear about other openings and other markets that are a couple notches above?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, when, when, When I was starting out. Yes. I mean, I was going to college in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Started just kind of. Actually, the first gig I had in television was as an intern for the summer at CNN Sports. And CNN was based in Atlanta. That's where I grew up. And that was before ESPN, that sports center. This was 1984. So Nick Charles and Fred Hickman, the Nick and Hick show, they did a half hour sports show every night, 11o doing that. So I was an intern there, went back to college that fall. Just called up all the local stations and wound up hooking on with the local ABC station there. When I graduated, it became just a matter of almost word of mouth. The first job I got full time because the station that I worked at, part the freelancer while I was going to college, offered me a job in news. I didn't want to do it, but there was a sports opening in Des Moines. So the sports director that I'd worked for said, hey, I got the perfect guy for you. Because he knew the guy was looking for sports Guy hooked me up there. And it's kind of bounced around like that for most of my career. The last big jump, I was in Dallas and I was at the local CBS station There, now Channel 11, and Fox was starting up a newscast on their station. The news director tried to get me to come over there. I didn't because I knew I didn't want to stay in Dallas much longer. They want. She wound up not being the news director because they wound up. It's a whole corporate thing. They bought another station and didn't need to have a news department, et cetera. She wound up going to New York. She called me up a year later and said, hey, hey, I'm doing sports. I'm changing my sports guy in New York. Would you like to come to New York and be the sports guy? Well then that's a no brainer. Sure. I go to New York, you hook up with the Fox network people. So I've been very fortunate. A lot of word of mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

What, what time do you. Well, it's not fortunate. Doing a good job and people are then sharing the good news with people. Much like Kitna does on the sideline when he talks about. Jesus Christ. And now what time Sunday morning is your call time?

[Giovanni]

5:15Am yeah, we're here in Los Angeles. So we're on the air at 9, right? So we're in there at 5:15. We have a production meeting. Our big meeting is Thursday. We have a call for like two hours and we really hash out what goes on around the league and, and what we're thinking about talking about. And everyone kind of gives their opinion so that our producer figures out, well, guys are passionate about that and they're not so passionate about this. So let's go in this direction instead. And so when we come in on Saturday, on Sunday morning, it's just kind of reinforcing the thought and going down a specific rundown. We're going to spend this much time on this versus more time on that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know the, the, well now they kind of do. But you know, three, three weeks ago when I was worried about the Patriots, because not that I like the Patriots, I worry about the Patriots like people worry about termite infestation and things like that. Like, oh, I know we got a problem, it's coming, it's coming. And no, everyone's like, you know, who's the best team? And well, you got the jets, you got Atlanta guys. And I kept saying Belichick Brady at home, come on, if these guys are winning going into, going into the postseason and they're playing at home, they win, they find a way to win. I would, I would not feel confident about my team going into Gillette Stadium somewhere in December and winning a playoff.

[Giovanni]

Game, you know, look, we are as.

[Adam Carolla]

Big a part of it, two or three teams in football right now, right.

[Giovanni]

Now, I would say definitely I would agree with you that New England in the afc. I think Baltimore is right there in the afc and I think that one comes down to home field advantage for the playoffs. Definitely. I don't think anyone goes into Atlanta and beats the Falcons in the playoffs. On the road, it's a different story.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Giovanni]

If they have to go to Philadelphia or New York or Green Bay, I think it's a different story. I think Green Bay was by far the best team in football, but they've had so many injuries, you're thinking at some point it's going to catch up to them. It hasn't yet. They're still 7 and 3 and they play Atlanta on the road this week. But that would be my top four teams right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm amazed.

[Giovanni]

And the jets would be there too, though. People keep saying the jets are lucky, but they keep winning. That's all that matters.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, all the teams and all the dynasties always won that way. Just the bounces, immaculate reception, just things like that, even bad calls and stuff like that, which have sort of been eliminated from the game now to a certain degree. But when you take a look at a lot of these teams that did a lot of winning, they were one, you know, questionable call, you know, pass interference call away from packing it in at any. I mean, you know, you just. I always say this with the Pats. The beginning of their dynasty was the tuck rule and the end was David Tyree pinning the ball on the top of his head. So it's like the crazy play got him in, a crazy play got him out. Now they're just sort of with everyone else at this point. But take a look at the Pittsburgh Steelers through the 70s. There's always about eight of those plays.

[Giovanni]

Or look at the other way.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at last year, the snake bitten teams.

[Giovanni]

Well, you look at the Minnesota Vikings, right? They get that penalty, remember, in that championship game. They're marching to win that game. It's tight, right? They call a timeout on third down and then they have 12 men in the huddle, which forces them back another five yards. Now, instead of running it for one yards and getting the first down and kicking the field goal, winning the game, going to the Super Bowl, Brett Favre tries to throw a pass, it's intercepted. Game goes to overtime, right? Brett Childress no longer has a job. I mean, it is that close in this league from year to year and almost play to play.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It's insane though, when you go back and you just sort of look at the totality of it somehow that Tom Brady's and the Walshes and the Montanas and all, it's not a coincidence. They get the bounces, they get the calls. Somehow being smart and being sort of Johnny on the spot all the time. You get all the crazy plays, but there's a sort of. It's like being a really good poker player who no one who's a hot chick and no one knows is that good. Like they just figure out a way to win and it works somehow.

[Giovanni]

And they believe. I think that's as much as anything. They think we are good enough. That something's going to happen that goes our way or we're going to force something to happen. Whereas if you're not, it's the other way around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

You're sitting around going, oh, boy, when's it going to happen? And as soon as one thing happens against you, you go, here we go again.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Minnesota has to feel sort of snake bit because they've lost, what, four Super Bowls? Four Super Bowls. I guess they'd be tied with Buffalo and the loss of the super bowl department.

[Giovanni]

But Buffalo did it four years in a row, so at least they got theirs out of the way in a small timeframe.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Four years in a row. And by the. And you live in Buffalo. I mean, forget about that part. Miami loses four years in a row.

[Giovanni]

You were doing trivia earlier. How would you like this? Where would you rather live? Live, Detroit or Buffalo, if you're a football fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Giovanni]

And have to live somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would go Detroit just because I feel. First off, they. I'm sorry, but they crushed my rams 44 to nothing. And 44.

[Giovanni]

Six. But yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, 40, 46. It felt like nothing.

[Kristen McGinnis]

It's a very sad six.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They should have saved that six for the next game, but.

[Giovanni]

And Windsor is closer than Niagara. Is that what you're doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Buffalo may be playing in Canada next year for all I know. I mean, what is the story with that? And then what's the story with LA never getting a team?

[Giovanni]

I don't think there will be a team out here until. I think the best thing, the best chance is if this downtown stadium gets built. I think there's an opportunity.

[Adam Carolla]

Planning a downtown stadium?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The AEG people are. And you know, Tim, I wish Michael Jackson, folks.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Eli Broad, too.

[Giovanni]

Pardon me?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Eli Broad's been in that too.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. There's a whole. I mean, there's a bunch of guys.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That are rich, everybody rich, throwing money at it.

[Giovanni]

Want to put it down near LA Live and the Staples center and all that, you know, and they want to build it in time to host us. Is probably going to get the World cup in 2022.

[Adam Carolla]

So to do World Cups, clogging the.

[Giovanni]

Streets, those kinds of things. If it gets built downtown, they have a chance. But otherwise nobody's going to the city of industry to watch teams. And this stadium is not going to be built in the city of industry until they get a commitment from a team. What team in its right mind is going to tell its fans, hey, three years from now we're packing up and going to la? But by season tickets and memorabilia for the next three years, right? No one's going to do that. So you have to have a place built so the team can instantly move in one off season there. And I don't see any viable option other than maybe this one downtown. And you know, that's still early in the planning stages.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like syphilis has been attacking Al Davis's brain for about the last five years and it's really taken a hold.

[Giovanni]

Why can't it just be old age?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he got it from a whore.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In Africa because I think that's where it still is.

[Adam Carolla]

I always love Al Davis because all the other, like Robert Kraft, who owns the Patriots, just wears the rich guy shirt. That's the blue shirt with the white cufflinks, the white cuffs and the white collar. Somehow having the different color collar and cuff and no jacket just makes you the richest guy on the planet, you.

[Giovanni]

Know, the white cuffs and collar are amazing. Out of ivory, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Elephant tusks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

So that proves how rich you are.

[Adam Carolla]

He is. That is it. All the other guys wear suit. Al Davis wears a Raiders gi. Like he wears a pleather. It's not a windbreaker. It's. It's a weird. It's not a bomber's jacket. He wears it sort of double breasted with no buttons. And I always said it would be like if Barack Obama dressed up like Uncle Sam when he went out and did stuff like, we get an old.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Man, which might make him more effective.

[Adam Carolla]

You never know. We definitely get a second term out of it. But it's like you own the Raiders. We get it, buddy. You don't have to dress as a Raider. Put the guy. They must laugh their ass off at those owner meetings when all the other guys show up in $2,000 sport coats and he shows up in his Raiders.

[Giovanni]

But here's the thing. I'm gonna say I actually like Al Davis. I think it's sad the way things have gone of late because he was an innovator in the game. I think his legacy is kind of being tarnished and trash because he's the butt of jokes like this. But we all go places where our uncle or our grandfather has that same blue leisure suit that he's had since 1978, and he pulls it out because he thinks, hey, I look good in this when I was 45. And I know I still look good in this now that I'm 85.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And I think that's kind of what goes on with Al Davis, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

We should all do right now. I mean, not, you know, this evening when we get home. And all of you who are listening, find out that thing that you think you look good in right now and write yourself one of those notes like that movie Momentum, and say, listen, if it's the year 2065 and you're wearing this fucking turtleneck, you need to burn this shit right now. You know what I mean? Just so we know we're not, you know, we're not in college.

[Giovanni]

The problem is, though, by 2065, you won't remember where you put the note.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, I will. I will embroider it into the.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Or we'll just send them all to Adam and he'll send him back.

[Giovanni]

He'll remind everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, right.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You could just have little reminder notes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, shall we do the remainder of the news? And Kurt, want to hang out? I mean, you've been around the news desk enough to know the women.

[Kristen McGinnis]

No, I don't know if it'll still be as exciting as you've seen.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, the rest of the News with Kristen McGinnis.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I really love that, but I'm just gonna have them follow me around with that. I think the other top news of the day. Well, this is just a great story that I found was that a soldier actually watched his wife give birth via live web video. A soldier in Iraq. Yeah. So you can now, if ever you're afraid you're not going to be there in person, don't worry. The Internet will come with you.

[Adam Carolla]

In country, yes. In country, yes.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In the barracks, actually. I think he was in his bed with his laptop.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm not. I got dragged into the room when my twins were hatched, and. Not a fan. Not something I needed to.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You don't want to bring it with you?

[Giovanni]

Not married. And I've always wondered about that. Look, I mean, childbirth's the greatest thing. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. Okay, first of all, people have been doing it since the beginning of time.

[Adam Carolla]

I named my tweet Yada yada. By the way, that's makes it easy.

[Giovanni]

Well, it can't be that hard. People have been doing it for Some of the worst. But everybody on the planet is the greatest. Exactly. The greatest thing in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sure Mrs. Manson, when she was giving birth to young Charlie, probably held him up like the Lion King.

[Giovanni]

He's so cute. Oh, he's a little angel.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Played the background music.

[Giovanni]

But I do like kids, don't get me me wrong, but I'm talking about childbirth.

[Adam Carolla]

But they're not special.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Basically, it's kind of an easy thing to do.

[Giovanni]

So how do you, as a man. Because obviously the woman is busy giving birth, watch this happening, first of all, not feel sorry for your wife or significant other.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Giovanni]

But two, later on, go back. Okay. That's where I want to be.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That's that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna hit that later on. Doesn't it change Adam has.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Did it change you?

[Adam Carolla]

I always had a poor attitude. So that was number one. It is on the laundry. The very long and growing laundry list of things I would like to tell women and society. This is not a step forward, this is a step backwards. This whole, hey, why can't women have six pack abs and fight in the octagon? Why can't women go out and work and have the man stay home and raise the child? Why shouldn't the man be there helping cut the umbilical cord and scooping out the placenta? It sounds like progress. It's not. It's not. Be careful what you ask for. Ladies, stop this fucking thing where you're shoving us further out into the future than we would like to be. We would like to be walking around handing out cigars.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, I know there's no smoking within 2 mile radius of the hospital, but bubble gum cigars. We want to be dressed like fucking Fred McMurray was and my three sons and handing out goddamn cigars in a waiting room to other dads. Not in there shoveling goo. Right.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Placenta, not.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like, I've told the story, I'll be brief. But they said, you know, first off, you have to be part of everything. It's like, you have to go the ultrasound, you have to see the little thing. And they're like, hey. And I was, they like, here's the tape of the ultrasound. And I said, the technician said, this is, you know, and I said, well, we don't need the tape. And they said, oh, no, no, you're. You're going to want to. They're going to want to have this.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You watch it every night.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, yeah, I don't want this tape. And they said, well, how. How could it hurt? And I just said, well, how would it help? I'm putting it back on you bitch. You think my kid's gonna watch this high on peyote when they're 51 and go like, no, they're never gonna watch this shit. They're all gonna be used to seeing themselves on YouTube anyway. But they said, speaking of tube, they said, you wanna cut the fallopian tube? And I said, is there not a guy there who does that? And they're like, no, we got professional. I'm like, first off, it's the only time. I mean, we live in a society that is so jam packed with rules that you can't go. You know, if you get up in the bath. Let's put it this way. If you're on an airplane and there's a guy in the head, you know, behind the. Behind the cockpit, and you get up to go in there and stand in line, they'll go, sir, sit down. You don't stand here. You don't hover. Here you go. Sit down in your seat. When the guy gets out of the laugh, someone ahead of you will slide into it, by the way. And you're already. You'll be turtling, by the way. But no, go sit down. We have nothing but fucking rules. And one of the most sacred places on the planet. It's gotta be that operating room. Why are they shoving a guy who's covered with germs and bad intentions, like me into that fucking. Already it's a beehive of activity. It's smaller. It's half the size of this room. There's six people running around. You really need the guy who's put on academic probation at a junior college standing in the middle of this fucking mess. My wife's C section. She's tanked up on drugs. She doesn't know what the fuck's going on. And you know what? I don't want to see this. I want to be a part of it. And they're like, you got to cut that umbilical cord. And I said, I don't want to do that. And they said, oh, no. And I love it when the people do this. You're going to regret it. First off, let me say this. There's been a million things that I've said, you know what? I don't feel like going to that dude, surprise party. I don't like that cat that much. Or monkey brain. No, thanks. Or I don't want the chicken liver on. And A lot of people have said, oh, you're gonna regret it. Or you know what? Never have. Not one never fucking sat back and went, boy, I really do wish eight years on that I went to Charlie's party, the asshole I didn't much like for. From accounting, that ass wipe. Yeah. No, I never did. And you know what I said? No. Not only do I not want to cut it, I will not regret it. And I'll not feel like, oh, there's no bonding, there's no kid. It's such bullshit. You bond with your kids by bonding with your kids, not by cutting a fucking cord.

[Giovanni]

Most guys can't cut. I mean, really, most of the guys, you know, you have them in the backyard and you try and cut a two by four, they have to cut it three times in order to get it right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm left handed. I have to get special scissors for me.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Well, I understand. Being in the back, it's kind of like. It's like being in a busy restaurant, you know, like throwing somebody in the kitchen and then being like, here, will you make a dinner? Yeah, for the place.

[Adam Carolla]

But not only that, but you get to see just how your meal is made. All of a sudden you lose your appetite. You should get a discount from the.

[Giovanni]

Doctor though, if you do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're in there fucking working. Yeah, no, listen, I'm paying you now. I'll go out in the fucking hall. That's the way. And. And then I found out that I said, no, I don't want to cut the cord. And they're like, well, you're gonna regret. Not really. All the millions of men who came before us who didn't cut the cord, you really think that was the seminal moment in their life with their child? And I was like, no, I don't want to. And then a certain point, they cut the cord and then they hold your kid over this weird petri dish. And then somebody hands you these surgical scissors and go, now you cut. So now you're symbolically cutting a half real cut. It's already been cut.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's about the same work that the mayor does when he breaks ground at a shopping mall.

[Giovanni]

Maybe they should give you those big scissors to do it with.

[Adam Carolla]

Ribbon cutting. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And like a fake check.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Big, not big, foam core, novelty check. Ridiculous. Your people. Yeah, this is my people. Yeah, yeah, this is fucking my people. Because the brothers would.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Too much time on their hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Forget about the or. They're not even in the same state.

[Giovanni]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

They're sitting there, they don't even know the chick they knocked out. Forget about being there, cutting a cord. They never met her before. They fucked her one time on the road. No way, Kurt. No way. Yes. Oh, you've got a bun. You've got a bun. You've got to be there. You got to hold the hand. No goddamn way. The black man would never go for never. Jim Brown would have never gone along with it.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Smokes a cigar in there in the room. I then looked at you to make sure of that. You just smoke a cigar, right? The black man would just smoke the.

[Adam Carolla]

Cigar in the room to cover the kid up. He's got to learn sometime with his girlfriend.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

He's got to learn sometime.

[Kristen McGinnis]

He's like, honey, you're going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Babysittered out of commission for about four months. Some need to really step up your game. This is uncomfortable. Speaking of the brother man, can we please find Deacon Joe just to play for Kurt Menefee? Because my. This. This is seeing. Seeing as how you host, or I should say co host, the Fox, but I look at you as the host NFL Sunday. My favorite football clip of all times is the. Is Deacon Jones, the minister of defense. And I somehow stumbled across this. I'm curious if you've ever heard this or seen it.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He was being interviewed and in what I would guess would be the mid-70s, early-70s, one of those sports beat shows they do on Sundays, magazines, it was always funny. It's like, hi, I'm Steve Garvey and I'm golfing with NASCAR great Buddy Ellis. And they just talk about Daytona in 55. And it's like a weird. They didn't care. There's no cable. Any production, it dragged along. But this, this is Deacon Jones being interviewed about his head slap technique. And as a football analyst, please listen to how inclusive he is in this description.

[Giovanni]

The head slap was to do two purposes.

[Adam Carolla]

One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In other words, an extra step.

[Adam Carolla]

Because anytime you go upside a man's head or one woman, they may have a tendency to blink the eyes. It was a similar time, wasn't it? Life was explaining how to get.

[Giovanni]

Wow, I've never heard that before.

[Adam Carolla]

Or woman.

[Giovanni]

Or woman wanted to be politically correct.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, this was born again. This is something that Whitey did. This is born from. You know, you would say when I grew up, you'd say, well, look, I would. You know, the President, I just want him to be as smart a man and so on go. Or a woman Or a woman. And you. This whole weird 70s. I think Maude brought this on.

[Giovanni]

And this is probably right about that time.

[Adam Carolla]

So every time he said a man or you know, he'd say like, look, listen, I want the man. I want the man who's piloting my plane to be a decorate or woman or a woman. Even though there was never a woman who did anything. There's no women presidents or women pilots or women astronauts or anything back then. But always. Or. Or some. Sometimes you just be like male man. You know, just be like I went to bail or woman or woman. It's like I shut the up. So he probably had that in his head. Probably thought he's being magnanimous when he said you go upside. But he was talking about rushing the quarterback. And I don't think there are any women who ever played the strong side.

[Giovanni]

Tackle a woman's head. I thought that was. That's unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

One more time, one more time. Just lead off the Sean's Sunday with this, please. One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast bus.

[Kristen McGinnis]

In other words, a extra step.

[Adam Carolla]

Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman, they may have a tendency to blink their eyes. They blink. Women.

[Kristen McGinnis]

I think that it's the same technique though for other. It doesn't really matter. You'd think you'd have a certain different upside.

[Giovanni]

No women are either.

[Kristen McGinnis]

But no, there you are.

[Giovanni]

That's the whole purpose of it.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

So you wouldn't hit them any differently is what he's saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Kristen McGinnis]

No, he's not sexist.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't do a swim move on a woman and a head slap on a gu. Same move.

[Kristen McGinnis]

No, it's the same technique.

[Adam Carolla]

They get the huge 280 pound bear paw on the side of their helmet. That it is. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Sorry. They're not wearing a helmet. They're holding a frying pan and they're wearing a bathroom.

[Giovanni]

That is the funniest thing I've never heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't believe that. Some awesome shit, is it not? All right, well, you know what? There's the news. Sorry. I've decided to wrap the show. Do you even get to a story with Kristen McGinnis? Kristin, should we toss out a website for you?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Absolutely. Should I or. You've got it right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can. You can find [e-mail] asingle life.com you can Twitter her at 5150 the book. Yeah.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And you can go ahead and buy my book, 5150. I'm not selling quite as well as you, Adam, unfortunately.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we look up your Amazon ranking?

[Kristen McGinnis]

Yeah, it's not so great today, so maybe tomorrow, though. You know, the power of.

[Adam Carolla]

When did the book come out? Out?

[Kristen McGinnis]

It came out August 31st, so we've had a few months.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we find out what the ranking is and.

[Kristen McGinnis]

And disgrace me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, Amazon ranking, please.

[Giovanni]

But, you know, the lower the ranking, all it takes is one or two purchases and then it's got a thousand spots.

[Kristen McGinnis]

My mom is going to buy five tonight just for that reason. She's done that a couple of times. And of course, she can giggle.

[Adam Carolla]

Kurt Menefee, one of the good ones, as I always say. Now it's him and David Allen Greer competing for. You know, I only have one for the black spot. One black spot at Kimmel's house. There's one black parking space in front of Kimmel's spot.

[Kristen McGinnis]

You could rotate them like news girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, let's see.

[Giovanni]

Monday through Friday, weekend crew.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Oh, am I really at almost 10 million? That's sad, people. Wait, no, that's not it. That's not the right one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's it.

[Kristen McGinnis]

That's the wrong. I had a first publisher that crashed and burned a month before my first came out. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, maybe, maybe we'll less.

[Kristen McGinnis]

Barry than we'll pretend. It's number 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Anyway, Kurt co hosts FOX NFL Sunday. The pregame show airs one hour prior to the game. It is the best hour on television and it's on Fox. Kurt, great to see you again, my brother.

[Giovanni]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Brian and Kurt menefee and Kristen McInnis saying mahalo. All right. This is Adam Kollishow. 452. Never played before in classics. We have another episode never played before in classics. Adam Krillin show. 457 listener phone calls from 2010. Just Ace Man. And you again. Hope you guys enjoy. Yes. Today you Adams, taking your phone calls on any and all topics. And now, the reason Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. All right. We have your phone calls and my expertise. All right, your phone calls and like that on the Adam and you show. Let's see. Let's talk to Steve has something very interesting. Steve.

[Steve]

Yes, Adam, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Steve?

[Steve]

Not much. I. I was listening this morning on the podcast about the rant you did about the police department and the red eyed arrows, which I've heard a zillion times.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Steve]

And I was in. This was a few years ago. I was in Torrance, I live in Orange county, and I was coming up to la, I was in Torrance and I made a left turn on a green arrow, but it turned red during my.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve]

And I was pulled over, you know, said, hey, was red when you went in? And I said, no, it wasn't. And we had a big argument and I got a ticket for it and I decided not to argue too much because the more you argue, the more they'll find other things to dig at you for.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Sure.

[Steve]

So I made an appointment for a court date and it was about a month and a half in advance. And then a couple days before the court date, I delayed. I went in and out, asked to delay the court date, and they delayed it for another month.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Steve]

And then after that month I went back and I asked to delay it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Now is that an extent? Is that an extension?

[Steve]

Yeah. An extension, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve]

And they said okay. And. But they said that was the last time I could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve]

So I did that. And then. And this is why I did it. Then when I got in court, the cop wasn't there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve]

I knew, I knew after that amount of time he either he wouldn't remember or busy or whatever. So he never showed up. And the judge threw the ticket out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. I think, by the way, you can ask for an extension. I think we'll bring attorney Mike August in here and I'll ask him about. But I think you can ask for an extension even if you see the cop has shown up at a late date. But we'll look into that. But yes, go ahead, Steve.

[Steve]

Then. So then I said, well, you know, I'm out at my time. And I went to the. I went to the court and I sued the Torrance Police Department for wasting my time for $450.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it'd be nice if you said to the tune of $450.

[Steve]

Yeah. Okay, well, here's, here's what it is. It was around 450. And I actually itemized everything, you know, my time, how much it took, how much I get paid normally.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve]

And what, you know, what, detecting gas and everything. So then the day before I was supposed to show up in court for the small claims court, the police department called me up and asked me what the fuck I was trying to pull.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what? I don't understand I don't understand when it became okay to give these guys sort of jurisdiction over our lives. Like, why. And I claim that Southern California and especially Los Angeles in the Los Angeles area is one of the few places on the planet where we actually feel that way. Hell, in Mexico, all you have to do is have a pork chop in your pocket and you know you're going scot free. I could watch you murder a guy, just tossed him a fucking leg of lamb and you're out of there. And like I've said many times when I was in New Orleans, just driving around, we blew right past cop cars and the guy was like, yeah, they got bigger fish to fry than us. Yeah, Louisiana is the only place. Like, here's what I want to say and this shouldn't happen, but it's true. LA is the only place. Just dig what I'm saying here, Steve, and tell me if I'm using any hyperbole. Louisiana is one of the only places I will say on the planet civilized cultures, you know, not third world nations where cops can pull you out and pull some ethnic cleansing on your ass, but it's one of the only major cities where you can have a car that you own fully the up to date with the tabs and the registration, full proof of insurance, not blaring the radio, not drunk, not high, be driving within the speed limit and see a cop pull up behind you and have your asshole pucker shut.

[Steve]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

That means they're doing a fucking horrible job. It means they're not focusing on gang bangers. It means they're present. The people they don't represent. The people they fucking represent.

[Steve]

Yeah, they're not trying to represent.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've had it a million times where it's like, oh, LAPD behind me. Oh, wait, I'm going 34 and a 35. Well, turn the stereo down. What? What gives a fuck? And it's high time we fucking revolted. And I agree.

[Steve]

And this was. This was great. So then after I asked, you know, when they said, what the fuck are you trying to pull? I said, hey, you know, you wasted my time. I had to be recompensed for this, especially because the cop never showed up. And they said, you know, we went back and forth a little bit and finally they decided to settle for 300 bucks and they wrote me a check.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve]

And they said it would cost them more than that to send their lawyer.

[Adam Carolla]

Down to represent Steve. American hero. And I only wish I'd done that to those fuck sticks at the Burbank. Pd when they wrote me my chicken shit jaywalking ticket.

[Steve]

What everybody should do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what they do.

[Steve]

I mean, you know, the big thing is you can't. Everybody's been taught. You've been talking about you can't. The best you could do is not get the ticket. But that's not true, right? You can sue them for wasting your time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all for it. And part of the reason no one does any of this stuff is we're quietly scared. Scared?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not.

[Steve]

Not even quietly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, everyone's like freaked out.

[Steve]

I mean, they try. They really, they tried to.

[Adam Carolla]

When I.

[Steve]

Then they said, what the are you trying to pull? They wanted me to just get scared and say, forget it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve]

Like you don't know what could happen if you know, you never know what can happen in a courtroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Time waster. Chicken. Chicken. Ticket riding artist. Just go out and stop crime, would you? All fucking ready and leave the town taxpayers alone. Yeah, I'm with you, Steve. You're hero.

[Steve]

I'm probably the only guy who made $300 on getting a ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me, let me, let me give you now my new pecking order. Okay? I got Abraham Lincoln, Steve, Harry Tubman, and Graham Parker.

[Steve]

Ah, perfect. Hey, above. Graham Parker.

[Adam Carolla]

You leapfrogged my. My great English artist, Graham Parker. Thank you, Steve. Nice job, buddy.

[Steve]

You're welcome. Thank you, Dick. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What a hero. That's an American. Look, let's all just fight our tickets and if they waste our fucking time, let's sue. I mean, yes, they're wasting your fucking life. And when I got my jaywalking ticket in Burbank, the guy just said, I'm giving you a jaywalking ticket. And I said, I crossed in the crosswalk and I walked across before the light change at the signal. And he said, yeah, but you stepped off after it started blinking red. And I said there was a big panel van in front of me. I had to wait till it turned the corner. But by the way, who cares? I just walked across the other side and I'm standing there and he shot across the same direction on his bike. And I said, I'm gonna fight this. And he said, go ahead. And I said, I'm gonna win. And he said, so what? And he knew. Officer Dick, by the way, I hope this guy was fucking cleaned out by an 18 wheeler on his fucking bike and fuck him. And everyone does that thing where they're like, hey man, these guys are heroes. No, they're not. Not the guys that hand out chicken shit tickets all day long. To the citizens. Hey, man, these guys make sacrifices. Not when they're handing out chicken shit tickets, they don't. Uh, hey, man, it's not his fault, you know, his supervising officer. What? His supervisor would have wanted to know what happened to the ticket that wasn't given out at the crosswalk. Well, the fucking light was green. No, the guy's a chicken shit piece of shit. He's horrible at his fucking job and he's harassing the public. When I told the guy I was gonna fight it and win, he said, yeah, who cares? Have fun. So, took one day off to go down and sign up to fight the ticket. And I took the other day off to go down and win when that fuck stick didn't show up. Oh, sorry. Hero. Hero. I forgot they're all heroes. All of them are heroes. Yeah, yeah, those guys. All right, where the hell were we? Yeah, let's hop on the phone and talk to Sean's. Sean sounds hot. Sean. I don't know why we decided to put the phone as far away as possible from my hand, but that we did. Sean, are you there?

[Caller]

Yeah, I'm here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Sean's a dude. You were web webcam model?

[Caller]

Yeah, I was. My whole career has been it and it pays so low where I'm from that I actually took webcam modeling to do during the nighttime.

[Adam Carolla]

And now let me see if I can cut through the fog here. You beat off in front of a camera while other guys beat off watching their computer watching you beat off.

[Caller]

All right, well, I beat off to my computer. It wasn't necessarily to the people out.

[Adam Carolla]

There, but you're dude and other dudes are watching you. When you say model.

[Caller]

Well, it wasn't exactly modeling. I've seen models on TV and believe me, the shit I had to do wasn't going to be put on.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it? What was the shit you had to do?

[Caller]

Well, one of the weirdest ones was the guy made me wear tube socks, nylon shorts, a soccer jersey, and smoke a cigarette on the bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? It sounds like week, like a weekend.

[Caller]

I don't understand it, but it was money.

[Adam Carolla]

But you were naked.

[Caller]

Well, for other ones, yes. Some I had to wiggle my toes and some just straight jack off. But my only female client was a 90 year old woman.

[Adam Carolla]

No way.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, that's what she told me. I don't know if it was a guy pretending to be a woman, but hey, fuck it. I had the image in my head of a girl. I went with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, listen, we all have been there. You Gotta jack off while other guys jack off to you while you're in front of your computer. There's no way around the picture of.

[Caller]

The other part, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. You. When you say web, now how would you make money?

[Caller]

Actually, we went through. I went through black book modeling and they kind of pimped me out to. One of the ones was flirt for free dot com.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh.

[Caller]

And I would do my little show. They install a program on my computer and it broadcast my webcam to their website. And every time it's kind of like a strip club. Now, the girl dances up there. She doesn't make any money until either you tip her or you take her to the back room.

[Adam Carolla]

Uhhuh.

[Caller]

Well, when they wanted to do a private show, that's when I started making money. And I made about $25aminute.

[Adam Carolla]

Buck 25aminute?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so what is that, 75 bucks an hour?

[Caller]

Yeah, about.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think that's about. Oh, wait a minute. Let's see. No, maybe it is. Maybe it's a little off there.

[Caller]

I can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 60, right? No, I think that's 75 bucks an hour.

[Caller]

Yeah. Well, assuming that you're in a private chat room the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

See, if you could do that math, you wouldn't have to jack off in front of truckers. Yeah.

[Caller]

You know, I finally got a better job and I kind of broke away from that.

[Adam Carolla]

Better game than 75 bucks an hour. So how much money? What was your best week?

[Caller]

Probably 2, 300. And this was just a couple hours after work after my other job.

[Adam Carolla]

So after a long day on work, Wall street, you came home after, after running those hedge funds, after putting out oil well fires, you came home to this. So you'd come home and you do your. You do your stuff for free, but when a guy would get hold of you and go, now I want to go one on one. Now, you'd have to take requests, right?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And would you do it over the phone?

[Caller]

No, no, no, no, no. I did nothing over the phone. It was all through. They typed it out in the chat room and I did on the webcam. So it's a certain extent.

[Adam Carolla]

So the idea would be keep them on the line as long as you can.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So it. So the guy be like, could you touch yourself?

[Caller]

Could you wear tube socks and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Could you put your thumb in your ass?

[Caller]

There's some things that I just wouldn't do. And I just pass it off as me being a virgin but curious about guys.

[Adam Carolla]

You're old Fashioned that way. By the way, how do you keep the guy. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. It'd be a diabolical way to keep a guy on the. You know, buck 25aminute adds up pretty quick. So you'd be like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna come. Oh, I'm coming. I'm. Oh, yeah, here it comes. Look out. I'm coming. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, this close. Oh, yeah. Oh, so close. Oh, look out. Hey, Whiskers, clear out. Try to get the cat out of the way. I'm gonna blow, man. I'm coming anyway. Any minute. Any minute. Oh, yeah. There. You know what? It was like one of those sneezes where you feel like it's coming and then it goes away. But here. Oh, here comes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You see the calendar pages blowing by? Oh, yeah. You see the seasons changing, Snow melting. Oh. Oh, yeah. No, no. This time ain't kidding. Okay, okay, okay. Look out. All right, all right. Oh, lost it. I lost it. Oh, no, it's back. Okay, all right. What time is it? Hello? I'm coming. All right, yeah, put down the. Okay, now I lost it again. I'd be good at this. I gotta get a gig doing this. Hold on a second. Who are we talking to? Sean?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So would you. Would you milk the milking it?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd milk milking it?

[Caller]

I did it as I thought. I told him it would be better if I started limp and worked my way up.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. You got to start limp.

[Caller]

Yeah, and it's, you know, I have my little screen up, and then I have a porn right next to it. Usually I watch porn in five minute increments, so I've actually seen the whole porn. It was unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the longest you had a guy on the line? Line?

[Caller]

I've had one for about 45, 50 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. So 45 minutes is 60 bucks in your pocket.

[Caller]

Yes. And a raw dick.

[Adam Carolla]

And a raw dick, sure. Yes, sure. Yeah. But, you know, you can buy a lot of utter bomb for 60 bucks.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, I had to pay bills. I worked my ass off to be broke.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so. But you're not gay.

[Caller]

No, no. That same day for pay. That's exactly what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. And this wasn't even having contact with guys, right?

[Caller]

No, no, no. I didn't have to meet him, though. I had one guy offer to take me to New York, which, you know, it doesn't scream out creepy or anything like that. I just didn't feel like going for a Trip.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what of a guy? Did a guy ever offer you, you know, a few thousand dollars to get together?

[Caller]

He offers to pay my way and pay for anything I wanted over there.

[Adam Carolla]

And what about the fact that these guys could record this? And let's say you can. Nay, you will become a famous senator one day. That this could sort of be around the thing.

[Caller]

I'm trying to get into the FBI, which is my goals for computer crimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Look out Al Qaeda.

[Caller]

Yes, I know. If they had computers, they'd be screwed, Right? Yeah, it's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

I think I can pass it off by saying I was broke, I needed extra money, and I was a stupid kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. Do you think you want to bring this up?

[Caller]

No, but I would imagine FBI does a pretty thorough background check. When they look at my tax forms and they're all like, oh, you work for entertainment. I'm thinking they're not thinking. It's a gig at a kids party.

[Adam Carolla]

I see. Well, you know what I would try if I were you, Sean?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say, what's the name on the front of the building we're in right now? And they'd go, J. Edgar Hoover. And you go, famous drag queen. Oh, yeah. He used to like to dress up in a dress and mince about every once in a while. He's got some skeletons in his closet, but he's still hell of a field agent, so what's it to you? So really you want to go from the webcam gay guy to FBI guy?

[Caller]

Well, the. That was a whole second job. My. My field has been it. But now I needed to break away from the webcam modeling.

[Adam Carolla]

Uhhuh.

[Caller]

So I went into security systems on construction sites.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Okay. It.

[Caller]

It pays great, but they treat me like. And I'm like this close to handing them a box of condoms and saying, here, now you can go someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's good. That's good business.

[Caller]

And I'm trying to think how to get back in that. The issue is, I've worked mostly with small companies doing a whole bunch of things. And to make that jump to a big company, when big companies are looking for experience with other big companies.

[Adam Carolla]

Sean, my only advice to anyone who wants to get into anything is volunteer. Do it for free. Just every successful person I know has at some point showed up at the radio station, the TV station, book place, whatever it was, and just basically said, I want to be there, I want to work for free. I want to learn from you. So use that in any regard you'd like to but that's, that's my advice. And. FBI. Yeah, maybe. Maybe you're aiming just a little bit too high with the FBI. We'll start with like maybe Mall Cop and then work our way into the Federal Bureau Bureau of Investigation. Investigation. All right, someone wants some. Someone's got some tipping advice. Also, I think we're gonna play another snippet from my audiobook, which people seem to enjoy doing quite nicely, by the way. Number one in the comedy department. Someone tweeted me the other day over at itunes. Hey, Adam. Yes, sir. What's going on, Adam? Yeah, I'm here in Arlington, Texas with.

[Caller]

My friend Trey and his wife Karen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Caller]

Congratulations on your book, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. That's pretty great.

[Caller]

Trey and I have.

[Adam Carolla]

Have had just an ongoing conversation about when to tip, when. When he tips, when I tip who we refuse to tip.

[Caller]

Trey won't, Won't tip the guys at.

[Adam Carolla]

The, the car wash. The hand washed car wash place. Oh, you know, I backed it up well the other night.

[Caller]

Well, I was over here at his.

[Adam Carolla]

Place and some, some he had just purchased some new furniture and the guys showed up about 7:39 and they, they rolled his old furniture out and they.

[Caller]

Brought his new furniture in.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, hey, do you have cash for these guys? And he was like, no, I'm not taking these guys.

[Caller]

And $3,000, you know, he paid.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if you could hear him. He paid three grand for the furniture. And sure. He said, hey, this deal was. The deal was, you know, the delivery was paid for. So these guys get paid for the job. And yeah, it's just one of the things we've all been. Let me, let me, let me give you. It's tough. It's tough. And I've been guilty of not tipping when I should have tipped or sometimes tipping when it's already been. Like, for instance, I get a town car that picks me up and takes me to the airport. Picks me up the airport, takes me to the hotel whenever I go do a gig or travel or something like that. That the gratuity is worked into the thing. By the way, somebody should look up the term gratuity, because it's not a gratuity if it's worked into the price. It's a tax, it's a tariff. It's part of the price of doing business. It's like they do that thing where you order room service and you're like, well, the burger's $18.95. And then there's a 15% gratuity that's put on top and then a 9% state tax, okay? What's the difference between the fucking state tax and the gratuity? If it's added on, it's not a gratuity, it's a tariff or fucking tax. And by the way, again, not my job. Maybe we'll get John Stossel on this one. But shouldn't it be illegal to add a tip to the cost of something? I thought the tip was optional. I mean, a guy brings a fucking $20 Angus burger up to your room, you should decide whether you want to fucking tip the guy or not. Gratuity. Here's how that's defined. A gift of money over and above. Over and above. Payment due for service as to a waiter or bellhop, et cetera. Something given without claim or demand. A bonus, granted. The point is this a gift of money. The point is it's a gift. It's not mandatory. This shit, this idea that it's tacked on, that the gratuity is tacked on to the town car ride to the airport, to the room service that comes to your hotel room, that's just a tax. It's insane. But when the guy's standing there in the fucking hallway, I always feel like I should tip him. And when the guy drops me off at JFK 6:30 in the morning, I still feel like I should give him $20 because he drove me there. Even though the gratuity was worked into it, even if I didn't have to pay it. So that's a doubling down on the gratuity. There's other times that I'm guilty when somebody drops off a piece of furniture or does something like that where I don't tip the guy. Here's what you should base it on if they need it or not. And I'll give you this example. The super hot mattress, and that is a actress, model, model, actress, mattress who's hostessing at the super trendy restaurant does not need your big fat tip for walking you over to the table in her high heels. She doesn't need that. The fucking guy at the car wash who's getting 6:50 an hour for busting his hump on your SUV. Tip that motherfucker out. Out. He's not getting any money. I mean, I don't like it when you go to that expensive restaurant and they go, well for parties more than six, we automatically add in the gratuity. Bullshit. What is that again? Automatically add on and gratuity is like saying. And is no different. It's like saying we have an all volunteer army except for we have a driver draft. Well, which is it? It sure as fuck ain't volunteer. If you're being drafted, your money's being drafted. It's not a volunteer army, it's a fucking draft. And gratuity means volunteer. It doesn't mean draft. I don't like that shit. And I don't like that shit. And it's also bullshit. So what? So you go to some fucking high end restaurant, you go to Nobu and you have eight people and you order the left side of the fucking menu. And it comes to $1,300 that dick. And you know, 15% of that is, you know, 200 bucks. That dick should get 200 bucks for an hour and a half's worth of work. And he's working four other tables. Bullshit. Fucking CPA doesn't get that much. An underwater welder doesn't get that much. Forget the guy at the fucking turtleneck and the attitude, dude. It's bullshit. So certain places like the masseuse, that's Bullshit. They charge 120 fucking dollars for a 50 minute relaxation massage and then you got to tip the bitch 30 bucks on top of it? No, you just paid someone with a GED120. You paid that same person what a therapist gets paid where someone with 11 years of schooling gets paid. The ship bullshit gets paid more than fucking Dr. Drew when you pay him a visit and you gotta fucking tip him on top of that. That's bullshit. But the car wash guy needs a tip. And the guy at the Home Depot that takes the 55 gallon drum of liquid fertilizer out to the back of your Volvo wagon and loads it up for you. That guy could use a tip. Tip? Based on what the guys are making, not how much they deserve it. You know what I'm saying? Poor people fucking love the shit out of a tip. Rich people don't need one. And no, I don't need masseuses or waitresses or hostesses at trendy restaurants to average more than attorneys. It pissed me. Hold on, I'm mad now? It pissed me off to no end that I drove a pickup truck, that I had a bed box filled with tools, that I would read plans all day long. And essentially, you know, I had 10 years of training under my belt. I knew all the codes, I had all the tools. I did everything. I got $15 an hour. And then my buddy Ralph would bartend over Tequila Creek and fucking come home with twice as much cash as I brought Home on a daily basis and he just fucking sat there and got phone numbers all night from dudes. Alright, should we play a little of the audiobook? Why not? I haven't talked too much about this, but I'm digging it. My wife downloaded it and I listen the whole goddamn thing. Six and a half hours. It's up at itunes. It's up. I guess you can get it just about anywhere. You can get it Amazon or wherever else. And that's under 20 bucks. And it's six and a half hours of all the rants. This is a little ditty called Dudes and again, this is from the book. A little more verbatim. Some of the stuff is just outer space rants go way off the page. Some of the stuff is right out of the book and then some of it is out of the book with little sidebars, bars, I should say. This one is right out of the book and it's called Dudes I Can't Hang With. Let's continue down our dude path. You ever see those movies from the 50s where every guy's wearing the same hat, the same gray suit, every woman has her hair styled exactly the same way? That was back when we had a little something called a society. Now we're all individuals. The notion seems evolved, but the execution is starting to piss me off. That being said, here's a list of guys I can't hang out with. First up, weird facial hair guy. I don't mind a guy with a beard, don't get me wrong. And I love a guy with a mustache. I'm talking about the A hole who has the Sharpie, thin stripe, going ear to ear and over the top of his upper lip. Never have more calories been spent achieving a worse look. And why would somebody cultivate a look that required an extra hour in the mirror each morning? Morning. Exactly. It's because this narcissistic fuck gets to stare at his Jersey Shore ass for an extra hour in the mirror. You think it's a coincidence that the more elaborate the facial hair, the bigger the narcissistic dick that's rocking it? I don't think so. I shave twice a week and that's way too much mirror time for me. These guys start every day with a meticulous sculpting of their mugs, which I'm sure is followed by a homoerotic pose. Down. Next up. My wife's my best friend guy. I know I sound like a jaded dick, but your wife's not supposed to be your best friend. She's not even supposed to be in your fave five. When's the last time you begged your best friend for a blowjob? And I don't believe these guys. I think they're just saying that to score points with their wives and to make the rest of us look like a holes. Your best friend is supposed to be the guy you go to to about your wife getting fat. Plus you can't brag your wife about the handy you got in the champagne room. I don't own a TV guy. If you can't afford a TV or pond yours because of a gambling debt, you get a pass. But this is the guy who doesn't own a TV for the sole purpose of announcing he doesn't own a tv. This is his way of declaring he's better than you. He acts like everyone who has a TV just sits around staring at Night Court reruns and Ashton Kutcher commercials. He would never admit there's provocative, informative, entertaining programming, such as my favorite new reality show, I'm a pretentious asshole who tells everyone I don't own a tv. Guys who announce they rescue dogs. You didn't go into a burning warehouse or the roof of a flooded barn to get the dog. You went to the pound because you're too cheap to go to the mall. And you don't love dogs nearly as much as you love the idea of people thinking you're a hero. You ever notice people who buy their dogs rarely discuss how they got them versus the assholes who work the fray? She's a rescue in every fucking conversation. What do you want Spielberg to make a fucking movie about you? I'd love to follow one of these douchebags around for a year with one of those clicker counters bouncers use at the door of a club and find out just how many times they utter the phrase she's a rescue. Over under would be 15,000. When I was a kid, all the sofas in my house were freebies we got from other people that were throwing them out. My mom never once referred to them as rescues. The guy who wants to know where you got your cold, he's McGruff with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Robitussin. As soon as you tell him you have a cold, he tells you the date of his last cold and where he got it. Then he's going to need to know where you got yours. I don't know is not an acceptable answer to this douchebag bag. He's a Regular Sherlock Holmes who's going to follow the trail of mucus until he breaks this case wide open. He asked, do you have kids? They probably picked something up at preschool and brought it home. Have you traveled recently? The air in those planes just recirculates. They're like flying petri dishes. Thanks. Cold and flu case. And what does he want me to do with this information? As soon as this fever breaks, I'm giving those kids away. Fuck em. And the next time business takes me to Chicago, I'm going by mule. I never drank guy. Close a hole cousin to the I don't own a TV guy. Now don't get me wrong, if you don't drink now because the last time you got drunk you drove your Pontiac Aztec through a Gymboree or beat the shit out of Tina Turner or screamed at a state trooper, what do you have that taser set on pussy? Then you have an excuse not to drink. I'm talking about the a hole who's never been drunk a day in his life. He says he doesn't like to feel out of control. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to hang out with a guy who won't pass out long enough for me to draw a cock on his forehead. Guy who swims before work. This guy's always bright eyed and bushy tailed. You didn't think your hangover could get any worse? Try standing next to the guy who's never felt more alive. And no matter how early his job starts, he still finds time to squeeze in six or 700 laps over at the Y. This never misses an opportunity to let you know he's a superior person. Wait a minute. Didn't you go to the U2 concert last night? That's right. I didn't go to bed till 1:30, but I still got up at 4:45 to hit the Y. Me, if I stay up till 10:15 beating off to blame it on Rio, I'm calling in sick the next day, you prick. This next one's literally a mouthful. Gay guy who acts so gay he's thought of as a chick and thus gets out of all the heavy lifting. I know it sounds convoluted, but just dig this theory. There are two kinds of gay. There's the I love to chug cock gay and then there's I'm not gonna help you move gay. This guy's the latter. Speaking of ladders, don't ask to borrow one. He doesn't own a fucking tour and he isn't going to help you or Anyone else do shit? He's essentially presented himself to society as a frail woman. You wouldn't tell Celine Dion, hey, grab that 40 pound sack of kibble out of the trunk of my car and bring it up to the apartment. This breed of gay is well aware of this and relies heavily on it. Kind of like the assholes with the handicap plate going to the water park. Rockabilly skull guy. He's a guy who needs to let you know exactly what decade he's trapped in. No matter what the calendar says, it's always 1955 to him. Whether he's at the club or at the supermarket, he's always dressed like the fourth member of the stray cats. And he's in love with skulls. From the tattoo on his arm to the shift knob on his Mercury to the chrome one he has on his keychain, this loves skulls more than Hamlet. Hey, Fonzie, you're a 44 year old house painter, not one of the outsiders. The person I really feel sorry for is his girlfriend. This poor bitch has a dress like Betty from the Archies comic. Or they can't go out. I bet every Saturday night they have the same argument. Can't I just wear the juicy sweatpants and leave my hair down? Fuck that. Put on that poodle skirt and those saddle shoes. We're going to the mall and get you a skull tattoo. Guy who tells you what caffeine does to him. A close cousin to the guy who tells you what red meat does to him. He's scared he's never going to sleep again. If you handed him a wedge of jicama, he'd ask if there was caffeine in it. He'll tell you a horror story about the time he went to the diner for breakfast, ordered a decaf coffee and couldn't sleep for three days. That waitress must have given him regular. You could give him a cup of stream water and he'd ask three times if there was caffeine in it. We get it, you're lightweight. But I gotta admit, I'm secretly jealous. Wouldn't it be nice to be a thimbleful of Maxwell House away from being able to drive an 18 wheeler from Los Angeles to Vermont nonstop? Panties and a bunch guy. This is the guy who's looking for an excuse to be offended. Every action, no matter how harmless, is a personal attack. He's the guy who's walking his dog down a narrow street with no sidewalk when I come around the corner at 19 miles an hour and he gives me a look like I Drove through his living room while he was reading where the Wild Things Are to his special needs grandchildren. By the way, his wife is the bitch who uses the phrase excuse you. And his brother's the guy with the huge put upon exhale when you ask him to switch seats on a Southwest flight. Hey, Dick, not everyone's out to get you. We wouldn't even know you existed if it wasn't for your overdramatized approach to life. But I suspect you already know that lazy flip cap guy. At some point a few years ago, somebody invented a ketchup bottle with a flip cap so you could avoid the ketchup going skunky when your co workers were too lazy to twist the metal cap back on the hines. But the lazy flip cap guys lethargy has overcome this new technology. Every job I've ever had with a communal kitchen has had a ketchup and now a mayo squeeze bottle where the cap was left open at a 90 degree angle. I find it satisfying to hear the snap of that plastic cap after I've doused my fries and ketchup. But this guy's so fucking lazy or passive aggressive that he refuses to complete the simplest task on the planet. What's this asshole's strategy? Obviously, he's using the ketchup. Why does he want it to get all dry and crusty at the top? Is he high or is it a fuck you to everyone he works with? Imagine how devastated the inventor the flip cap would be if he could travel through America's kitchens and see all the millions of unsnapped caps. I'm sure when he invented this thing, he thought, eureka, that's it. There'll never be another open crusty ketchup bottle, ever. I've created a utopia for generations to come. But there's one thing he didn't count on. Just how lazy, self absorbed and narcissistic we actually are. All right, well, there you go. Another little snippet from the audiobook. And since we have six and a half hours of that, I thought, you know what? Kill a little time. Play a little that that you can pick up at itunes or Amazon or I'm not sure where else, but if you like the book, you'll enjoy that. And thanks once again for keeping the book on the Amazon top 100 list for now. Well over 50 days, I think. Coming up on two months, everyone. That's all you, by the way. That's all the listeners of this podcast. So thank you, thank you, thank you, and especially thank you to a lot of Our good sponsors like GoToMeeting. That's right. You want to try this GoToMeet? You want to know how it works? I'll tell you how it works. You can collaborate on documents in real time, give engaging sales presentations, make conference calls more productive and efficient. That's right. After a two minute download of GoToMeeting, you can start scheduling meetings easy. Then attendees click a link and instantly see your computer desktop. That's really cool. I mean, even just. Just for like, social stuff, when you're talking about showing someone pictures or trip or walking them through something, it's incredible technology and it's easy. And it's free. That's right. 45 days free. But you got to use the promo code. That's right. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button, type in the promo code Adam and try it for free. The special offer is only extended to my listeners with the promo code Adam. 45 days free. What do you got to lose? Great company, great sponsor. Go to meeting. All right, let's go to phones and take a couple more phone calls before we call it a day or night, depending on where. You're listening, Tyler. Ace, man. What's happening, Tyler? What's going on, brother? Nothing. What's your question? My question is, well, I just had a little baby boy about three months ago. And, well, it's. I feel like I've kind of turned the corner and kind of getting the.

[Caller]

Hang of this a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

The first two months were nothing short of chaos, but I see some good days ahead. Sure. And my question to you is, I know you've got, you know, your little girl, but how is it dealing with a little boy? What is the best and worst thing about having a son? Well, the boy's a thousand times better than the girl. A thousand times. Because she wants to manipulate people with him. What you see is what you get. If he's hungry, he's hungry. If he's tired, he's tired. If he wants to play the toy, he wants to play the toy. With her. It's. What do you want me to do? You want me to play with the toy? Now, I need to rethink this. Before, I wanted to play with a toy, but now that I know that you want me to play with a toy now, I don't think I want to play with a toy anymore. It's sort of why people don't like to do business with Israelis. Really. If you really just break it down, it's that. It's that sort of thing where it's a. It's that thing where you go, yeah, I'm giving away this. Oh, you had the sofa dragged out to the curb, so you're giving it away. Good. Cause I need a sofa and I got a pickup truck so I can take it away. You don't have to carry. Call Large Item Pickup and you get the. No. What is no? No, I was selling. You want sofa, Sell your sofa. Yeah, but you dragged it out to the curb and you called Large Item Pickup and I got a pickup truck, so I'll just take it free. No, not so fast. So, like, once they know you want. This is the entire Middle East. Once they know you want something that they have all of a sudden, they ain't giving it away anymore. Sure. And that's where the fucking child psychology bullshit comes in. You just, you know, it's real easy. You want to get my daughter to eat? All I gotta do is tell her I don't want her to eat and she eats. I want a kiss. I tell her not to give me a kiss. It's pretty straightforward shit. My son. My son. It's more like just dealing with a Mormon. Just what you. What you see is what you get. Straightforward. I know you had a couple of breakthroughs with him over the weekend, so. Well, I did. He, you know, he announced that Tangled was sucked and that soccer was bo. In about a. In about a 40. About a 40, actually, it's about like a 22 hour period, I think. Went from Friday evening about 5:00, denouncing the Rapunzel movie sucked to Saturday morning announcing that my nephew's soccer games was boring, which. That's a good kid. Yeah. Yep. He's still gay, but. He's still gay. But now he's at top. He's a sweet little motherfucker. And every once in a while before he goes to bed, he goes, I just want to tell you a secret. And I lean my little ear in and he goes, I love you and it's the sweetest goddamn shit in the world. So you're gonna love the shit out of that, son. You really will. Well, he's not doing much of that right now, but it's been pretty good times so far, especially in the last week or so. He'll be. He'll be there soon. Girl, different story. They like to like to manipulate, like to take those emotions and go ahead and roll them in jimmies and muss with you. And that's what it is. I mean, he. What you see is what you Get. And look, there's a lot of douchebag dudes out there. But I'm just saying, in general, the difference between my son and my daughter is my son is super straightforward. He just wants to play with his little tanks and his little trucks and push stuff around. And he'll tell you if he doesn't want to eat this or doesn't want to eat that, but none of it is based on whether you want him to eat it or not. That's the difference. What is he. I was going to sell sofa, and now you come with truck and I sell to you. Hey, hey, that sign that says free. No, no, that's not. No, no, it is. I swear to God. It's like those people where you go, look, I got a Lamborghini Murcielago 2010 with 5 miles on it. I'd like $5 for it. $4. $5. $4. Not the penny over. They can't just go, fuck it, give it to me. Five bucks sounds like a good deal. I hate those people, by the way. And I'm talking about anyone who, who sees an opening and just fucks around. Like, I just. That just. I don't know if they call them opportunists. The person who gets rear ended and can't just admit, you know what, I feel fine. My neck's fine, I'm fine. We don't have to exchange numbers. I don't have to get attorney involved. The person that gets rear ended and says, you know what? I just got rear ended. I just heard a cash register go off. And you know what? I'm fine. And my neck's fine. But you know what? I'm not going to walk away from this opportunity to get some free money from an insurance company. I hate those fucking people and my son ain't one of them. All right, let's see. Where are we going? And I don't know. Look, I'm sorry to sound like a xenophobic prick, but that part of the country, the Middle east, are fucking hagglers. Fucking hagglers. That's what they do. It's in their blood. Maybe it's not their. But I can't stand the fucking haggling that goes on. I just want someone to say, if they're hungry, they're hungry. And if they're not, they're not. Not. How do you feel about me eating? All right, somebody's got a question. Let's see. Hey, Dan. Hey, Ace, man, what's going on? Dan, man, get it on. Get it on, brother.

[Caller]

I'M a huge fan.

[Adam Carolla]

I bought the book and the audiobook.

[Caller]

They're both audience.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you. Yeah. If you get one, you need the other, right?

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Steve]

Absolutely.

[Caller]

Kind of a long commute, so the.

[Adam Carolla]

Audiobook has kept me company. Thank you. Yeah. I thought the first hour of it was sort of boring, but the next five and a half hours were pretty good.

[Caller]

You seem like you kind of opened.

[Adam Carolla]

Up a little bit. I got going a little bit. Started moving. Actual text. Yeah, I warmed up. Absolutely. I was curious about what the biggest.

[Caller]

Hookup, comp or freebie that you kind of ever receive when someone recognizes you.

[Adam Carolla]

That you're a celebrity and you're Adam Crawler.

[Caller]

Like, has it been strippers, food, booze, something like that?

[Adam Carolla]

Or keep going.

[Caller]

Maybe up something completely different.

[Adam Carolla]

Strippers. Good. From the MTV days. All those strippers watch Loveline for some reason or another. And strippers. It's weird, but strippers infect each other with information, just like they do with crabs and herpes. Like, one of them would go into the back room where all the other stripper. Like where the stripper locker room was, and then a whole group of them would come out because one of them went back there and went. The guy from mtv. Mtv. Doing a late night MTV show was always the best for strippers. I think it's because they would repeat loveline at like 4:30 in the morning or 3:00am I think it would air at like 11:30, but then they would just repeat it like 3:00am and all these strippers would just go home and their TV would just be constantly on MTV because this is the, you know, mid late 90s, and these chicks were in their early, late 20s and that was it. That's the channels they would watch. And so I would say going into a strip club and being treated like a king is kind of nice. Being let out of tons of tickets because of the man show was nice. Being pulled over a bunch of times and just have them go, eh, man show. Hit the. Hit it. That was kind of nice. So I'd say between the free lap dances and the. You don't have to pay for a ticket. I'd say those would be the perks.

[Caller]

Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Caller]

Thanks, Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Appreciate it.

[Caller]

Take care.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I think we should wrap it on down. Let's see. Somebody wants to know if I've seen a new reality show about the polygamy. Wives and sisters and husbands. No, I haven't. I find those shows uncomfortable to watch. I just see neuroses and sick people and survivors of incest and all that kind of stuff. And I just. It feels weird. And plus, the chicks are never that hot. I'd love your average. I'd love to see, like, if your average. I'd like to do the math on your average polygamist and to see if the two wives added up to an eight plus, because let's face it, being surrounded by three and a half is not as good as one nine. You know what I mean? Like, they do some polygamous math. Now, remember, bigamy is more than two and then. Oh, wait a minute, that's two and then polygamy. That's a whole shitload. All right, so. So if you're bigamist, I guess you have two wives. Somebody look this up because the terms get confused. Bigamy, like. Like bi, I think is two and polygamy is. Poly is multiple. And I would love to do the bigamy math. I would love to. I would love to know if the average bigamist, two wives added up to more than what a hot chick would be. Let's say hot chick would be an 8 plus. Be interesting, certainly weight wise. Also, I like, I'll be curious if the average weight of the two bigamists was more than 300 pounds as well. But anyway, bigamy, polygamy, like I said, it's weird. I know this sounds horrible, but I feel like one wife is too much for me. I feel like. I don't know if there's some club where you could sign up for five, eight of a wife wife, but I don't feel like. I don't feel like having three wives would solve any of my problems. I think I'd be in worse shape with three wives. I like the one wife. And again, even the one wife seems like enough. And a one wife, and that's with some square footage and two TiVos. I couldn't. Man, couldn't imagine the three wives in the double wide with the one TV in the fucking living room. All right, well, I want to thank you all for tuning in and calling up and being part of our Adam and you program. And if you dig the show, all we ask is that you support our sponsors and pass it on. I go out and do all these live shows everywhere and talk to all you people, and everyone says, I got my friend hooked on your show, and I turned on some co workers to your show. And I love that story, so let's keep that going. And again. Oh, I should tell. We'll be at the House of Blues on Saturday night in Las Vegas. Still some tickets available, I do believe. Here we go. Let's see. Polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse, wife at a time. And bigamy. Crime of marrying while one has a wife or husband still living with whom and vowed divorce has not been affected. So bigamy's is basically a crime, but it's basically having one wife and marrying another. So I guess that's two wives and polygamy is multiple wives, Is that correct? I'm going to call it good enough for now. All right, this is Adam Colishau, 457 from 2010. That does it for this weekend's Coral Classics. Until next weekend, mahalo and get it on It.