Dana Carvey + Jay Mohr (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Dana Carvey + Jay Mohr (Carolla Classics) PodcastOne / Carolla Digital – March 15, 2026

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode features unforgettable highlights from two fan-favorite appearances: Dana Carvey (2016) and Jay Mohr (2017). The first segment is a lively in-studio visit from SNL alum Dana Carvey, who dives into comedic impressions, discusses family struggles, and explores the complexities of parental background and showbiz. The second segment, with comedian Jay Mohr, offers stories about stand-up, behind-the-scenes music video work, and eyebrow-raising banter about politics, race, and the changing landscape of American comedy.

Adam, joined by co-hosts Gina Grad and "Bald" Brian Bishop, blends his signature rants on LA life and fatherhood, sharp cultural critique, and warmth with legendary guests in these "classic" episodes.

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Key Highlights & Discussion Points

1. Dana Carvey Segment (2016)

Dana’s Arrival and Micro-Impressions (53:23–54:14)

• Dana Carvey introduces his "micro-impressions," a new twist on classic characters.
  • Quote (Dana, 53:46):
    “Sean Connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in Spain.”
    [Impression] “Yes.”
  • “Christopher Walken sees a particularly good magic trick.”
    [Impression] “Wow.”

Reflections on Comedy, Impressions, and SNL (54:15–62:39)

• Dana describes how mastering an impression, like President George H.W. Bush, can take years.
• Adam and Dana discuss the phenomenon of catchphrases and their viral quality—how sometimes what sticks isn’t inherently funny until the audience embraces it.
• Carvey discusses SNL audition anxieties and early work.
  • Quote (Dana, 88:43):
    “I was 31. Ten years of stand-up. Everything I ever did had failed except club work. … I was thinking ‘this is it,’ you know, and I did well enough to basically get the show from that.”

Family, Upbringing, Success, and Family Dynamics (65:59–105:54)

• Dana and Adam get personal, reflecting on their less-than-ideal childhoods and how that impacted their drive.
  • Quote (Carvey, 97:17):
    “My father could control his temper and his emotions at work, and then he’d come home and unload. … That was like, well, then where does his culpability… I don’t know.”
• They discuss the challenges of sudden showbiz wealth and family expectations.
  • Quote (Carvey, 104:15):
    “I started doing just consistent monthly [support for family] because there was no organization to it. … Part of me, I don’t know if it was guilt … but I kind of wanted to help people make their lives a little better.”
• They joke about property values in San Carlos and how their families “missed out” on California’s real estate explosion.

Audience Questions, SNL Memories, and Famous Sketches (78:45–81:41)

• Callers geek out over Carvey’s legacy, asking about “Massive Headwound Harry” and other classic sketches.
• Carvey shares prop-mishap stories and what it was like to work with castmates like Phil Hartman and Mike Myers.

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2. Adam’s LA Rants, ‘Waze’ Navigation + Thanksgiving Food Bit (00:54–49:58)

LA Homelessness, Waze, and Social Decay (00:54–13:53)

• Adam launches into a signature rant about Waze’s directions taking him through deteriorating LA neighborhoods (“full third world,” “scavenger hunt”), lambasting city leaders on homelessness.
  • Quote (Adam, 06:28):
    “I drove through that thing at the beginning of Scarface when they took all the refugees from Cuba by the freeway… I want a message for Mayor Garcetti—how about you drive your ass through it on occasion.”

Social Commentary: Policing, Times Square, and “Usable” Urban Space (07:15–12:08)

• Engages the crew in a debate about the tradeoff between policing and making spaces like Central Park and Times Square accessible.
  • Quote (Adam, 08:25):
    “We want to get out of Fantasy Land into reality world where people aren’t raped when they jog.”

Quirky Food Segment: “Will Andrew and Brian Eat It?” (32:59–49:58)

• Andrew and Brian are tested on Thanksgiving meal staples (stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, cornbread, mashed potatoes).
• Hilarity ensues as both are revealed to have toddler-like, ultra-picky taste buds.
  • Memorable moment: Andrew refuses every classic Thanksgiving dish but turkey (49:00).
  • “Post-Traumatic Stuffy Disorder,” “If it’s free, I was in—put it in me or put it in me and then pay me…” (49:55–50:25)
• Gina Grad dominates the guessing game, leading to lighthearted gloating (48:30).

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3. Jay Mohr Segment (2017)

Jay Mohr’s Arrival: Comedy, Music Video Stories & “Big Mama Got It All” (135:40–161:32)

• Adam and friends reminisce about behind-the-scenes life in the '80s and '90s LA music video industry (involving Sting, Van Halen, The Tubes, and more).
  • Quote (Adam, 138:00):
    “Everything was just coke-fueled and on the fly… there seemed to be unlimited budget, no real clocks in the place.”
• Jay Mohr riffs on recurring characters (“Big Mama Got It All,” a boisterous, wise-cracking matriarch), overlapping with Adam’s own family stories.
• The two riff with “Bald” Brian on comedy bits involving race, NBA trivia, and personal oddities.
• Mohr plugs his music documentary “Finding Joseph,” following HR from Bad Brains, highlighting mental health awareness in the punk scene (165:38–169:03).

Convo on Race, Politics, and Obama’s Farewell (179:24–204:59)

• Adam weighs in on Obama’s farewell speech, race relations, and the state of political discourse.
  • Quote (Adam, 181:32):
    “I hate that part… we’re going to spend a bunch of time on race, and then he’s going to explain to us why we all need a whole bunch of, of work.”
• Extended riff on whether Americans are inherently racist or if the mainstream narrative is exaggerated (183:24–203:29).
• Jay delivers both raw and comedic takes, sometimes as “Randy Warwick” or “Big Mama.”

Trump, Fake News, Golden Showers, and Press Dynamics (207:05–217:56)

• Discuss Trump’s first press conference and the shifting tone between media and politics.
  • Quote (Adam, 211:12):
    “You know, the only one that cares about my tax returns are the reporters. … I don’t think they care at all. I won. I became president.”
• Debate on the concept of “career enders” in modern politics and pop culture: “We may have entered a new zone where things can’t land anymore.” (217:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• (Dana Carvey, 53:46): “Sean Connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in Spain: Yes.”
• (Adam Carolla, 06:28): “I drove through that thing at the beginning of Scarface when they took all the refugees from Cuba… I want a message for Mayor Garcetti—how about you drive your ass through it on occasion.”
• (Carvey, 104:15): “I started doing just consistent monthly [support for family] because there was no organization to it. … I kind of wanted to help people make their lives a little better.”
• (Adam, 181:32): “I hate that part… we’re going to spend a bunch of time on race, and then he’s going to explain to us why we all need a whole bunch of work.”
• (Jay Mohr, as “Big Mama,” 157:15): “Put my titty in your mouth.” (height of absurd banter—classic Carolla show flavor)
• (Jay Mohr, 166:47): “His stage name is HR Human Rights. … He just kept getting a little worse... mental health is never really spoken about. It’s a huge stigma.”
• (Adam discussing working in music videos, 138:00): “Everything was just coke-fueled and on the fly... no windows, no clocks…”

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Important Timestamps

• 00:54–13:53: Adam’s “Waze,” LA urban decay, and social commentary rants
• 32:59–49:58: “Will Andrew and Brian Eat It?” – Thanksgiving edition
• 53:23–62:39: Dana Carvey’s micro-impressions, SNL stories, and catchphrases
• 65:59–105:54: Dana and Adam candidly discuss difficult childhoods, family, and evolving relationships with money and success
• 135:40–141:29: Adam and Jay Mohr reminisce about working on music video sets in 1980s–90s Los Angeles
• 179:24–203:29: Extended roundtable on Obama’s farewell, race in America, and socioeconomic opportunity
• 207:05–217:56: Discussion on Trump’s press conference, political decorum, the media, and the “new normal” of career-ending stories

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Tone & Language

• Frank, irreverent, and deeply comedic throughout, with moments of surprising introspection and vulnerability, especially from Adam and Dana.
• The conversation is peppered with quick, observational wit, self-deprecation, and the kind of unscripted back-and-forth fans have come to expect.

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Summary Takeaway

These Carolla Classics showcase the show’s strengths: blending insightful, no-holds-barred cultural commentary with deeply personal storytelling, brilliant improvisational comedy, and guest moments that move effortlessly from poignant to absurd. Whether it’s Dana Carvey reflecting on family pain or Jay Mohr riffing on “Big Mama,” these episodes deliver endlessly quotable dialogue, genuine laughs, and a revealing look at the lives—and minds—behind the microphones.

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Transcript

[A]

Foreign.

[B]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, Super Van Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available exclusively through podcast one. You can find the ad free archives and if you'd like to find the ad free archives of the Adam Korolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or get access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcorl.com let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Corolla Show 1957 featuring Dana Carvey, Brian Bishop and Gina Grad from 2016.

[A]

Dana Carvey, the great Dana Carvey coming in.

[C]

So excited.

[A]

Love that guy. And also Andrew and Brian, Other Brian at the other shop. Will Andrew and Brian eat it? We're doing a Thanksgiving edition, so we're looking forward to that. Thanks you guys for getting the 24 hour war. It's been selling like hotcakes and so much so that we crashed a website. What? I know, it's such a good problem

[B]

to have more reflection of the website.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. I got up this morning. I'm sure it is. Don't laugh that hard. I got a beef with Waze. Whey's beef, man. Waze beef. I said to the Porcelain Punisher, oh, good day, Gina Gray.

[D]

Good day to you.

[A]

And bald Bryan Namurgamadoff. I said to the Porcelain Punisher last week I said, we're getting a press tour together for serious SiriusXM, blah, blah, blah. I said, where is it? And he said, I don't know, I'll check. And then I went like, please, please, please don't let it be out on Wilshire and Fairfax over there. A million miles away. It gotta be there at 8:15 in the morning. And it's like, well, Miracle Mile right there, kind of where KLSX used to be. A little further.

[C]

Is it in the Variety building? In my building?

[A]

No, it's not in that, that building. It's along Wilshire, what they call Miracle Mile. Kind of across the street from the Tar Pits or actually down a little bit by the Peterson Automotive Museum. Anyway, I said, do the thing with Waze where you check in advance from my house to this place. And I did it last week. And he said, hour, 15 minutes. I was like, ooh, that's not that far. The distance isn't that far. And I said, God, that sounds long. And then I said, check again yesterday. And he checked again, and it was down to like 1:13. So either way, I was supposed to be there at 8:15. So I left my house at 7:10, just because I never would get anywhere too early. And I got there 10 minutes before 8. I've never been so early in my life. And I'm pissed at ways because I knew it. I said two times, like, 1:15. That's too long. That's too long. That's too long. And it got there in about 55 minutes. But I've realized what Waze sends you on, and I'm going to try to be clear with my wording. Los Angeles is just coming undone. And Waze sends you through every part that's coming undone faster than the next. It's always, get off the 5 freeway, turn down Academy Boulevard, go down Silver Lake highway, go over the road, make

[B]

this impossible left turn where there's no light or stop sign.

[A]

Yeah, but you don't. There's a kind of, a kind of weird thing when the world wakes up and it's noon. There's civilians walking around. When you're driving around at 7:15 in the morning, it's just homeless people that you see out there with the one intrepid jogger chick who's like, literally wearing one chick just like sports bra and the cycling shorts, just chugging right down through Silver Lake. And I'm like, wow, sweetie, why don't you just put some hamburger meat on your back?

[B]

Put the lion's den.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I'm in my car and I'm frightened and I see nothing but crazy homeless people. But I realized if you live in Los Angeles and if you stay on the freeways, you can stay away from the crazy homeless problem.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

And then you do that thing, especially if you grow up. Here you go. Well, there's tent city downtown, but we're not near that. Well, no, it's spread out. So when you get off the freeway, when Waze tells you get off the freeway and take all these side streets, you're driving through neighborhoods, see homeless people all over the place.

[C]

They have their own suburbs.

[A]

I now realize what Waze sends you on is a scavengers hunt. In terms of. I'm not the one who's looking. I just pass scavengers. I pass people that comb through.

[C]

They scavenge.

[B]

Yes, the hunt for scavengers.

[A]

I I drive through scavengers who are scavenging through the dumpster of life.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

They're just.

[B]

No literal dumpsters of life.

[A]

Yeah, they are. They're just.

[B]

They're.

[A]

They're pushing shopping carts with stuff piled high on it. They're like dragging dog sleds filled with junk and stuff. Like, they are scavengers. And I'm driving through them and around them to get from my house to the Miracle Mile.

[B]

Is that a thing that's unique to la, do you think, or. It's got to be in other huge municipalities where people. There are gigantic shopping carts full of cans and bottles being pushed by scavengers. I mean, that's like their. That's like their supplemental income or possibly the primary income. I just thought of, like, it's so ubiquitous here. I'm like, does that happen everywhere?

[A]

I don't know, but happen in a lot of places. It is. It is. It's gone. We're going full third world. When you again, just live where I live. Go to Miracle Mile and go ways it all the way during traffic and roll them up. I drove through a Somali tent city camp that was like, I literally left our own borders.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I want to transfer international waters. I went into international waters. Yes.

[B]

They checked your passport.

[A]

I drove through that thing where he had to stay at the beginning of Scarface when they took all the refugees from Cuba by the freeway. I drove through that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

To get to the Miracle Mile. Yeah. It is getting sad out here. I don't know you. You know, they do this thing where they go, well, you can judge a society by how it treats its prisoners, you know, and that's fine. But there's. I have a message for Mayor Garcetti. There's another, easier way to judge your city. How about you drive your ass through it on occasion and see everyone just splayed out everywhere and go, huh? Is this in terms of our. On the pro sherf to the Olympic Committee? Is this something we, like, highlighted the

[B]

travel committee's website or the tourism committee's website?

[A]

Jesus Christ. We're vying for the Olympics. And we. I'm doing the homeless Olympics on. On the way to Miracle Mile.

[C]

Well, and that was the big thing with Giuliani, right back in the day. He, quote, unquote, cleaned up Times Square. And people said, well, where did the homeless people go? And they said, I don't know, but it sure is clean around here.

[A]

So see, I remember Soylent Green. There was all of this. You guys Forget when Times Square wasn't owned by Disney. And I'm not. I see both sides, but I'm not one of these sort of insane anarchists, which is like, hey, Times Square's gotta be Times Square peep shows and junkies and humans defecating on the sidewalk and scared, you know, I got it. It's like we do this thing where it's like every time the man gets involved, something bad's gonna happen. Like, you used to not be able to walk through Central park at night and now you can because the mayor went, hey, we need more cops. We need more stopping and frisking and we need to, we need to up our game a little bit or whatever the broken window thing was, you know, and we're gonna go ahead and up that. And it's like a lot of people cry like stuck pigs. But isn't the upside that we can use Central park now?

[C]

I mean, and subways at all hours of the night. Yeah.

[A]

There's no such thing as saying we're gonna step up our police presence. We're gonna really start letting the bad guys know it's a bad idea to hang around Central park at 10 o' clock at night and rape a jogger. Without the non gang banger or bad guy getting stopped on occasion and asked for id that comes with the territory. We're like, no, we don't want that. It's like, yeah, but you do want this. Yeah, we want this. Yeah. Well, you can't get there from there unless you travel through Reality Land. And Reality land is, hey, teenager with the baggy pants, come over here and show me some ID for no good reason, because we're trying to get out of Fantasy Land into reality world where people aren't raped when they jog.

[B]

Matt Fondelier was just telling me about Reality Land. Disneyland. His dad loved it. Yeah, his mom, not so much. But he and his dad took a commemorative photo.

[A]

Oh, God. And we made they hand you a

[B]

credit card application when you walk in.

[A]

Believe me, when they, when they did. There's a Gary. David. Oh, my God. All right, you guys are gonna have to sort me out. Johansen, the hot, hot, hot guy.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

Who also did a lot of acting.

[B]

Buster Poindexter.

[A]

Yeah, that was his name.

[B]

Yeah, that was his Persona. But David Johansson is his name.

[A]

Is it David Johansson?

[C]

I'm pretty sure you mean the tall comedian.

[B]

The taxi driver in Screech.

[A]

I told you too many names. Yeah, he's a real character. You'll recognize him. He sings. Yeah.

[B]

This is Hot, hot, hot. He was in the New York Dolls.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is all the same guy.

[A]

All the same guy. He came out with an album more Searching for Gary. Probably let's say 98 and maybe even before that would have been. Was this as Buster? Yeah, I think so. Then that would have probably been Buster's Spanish rocket ship. Probably. Was that 98? That's 97. 97. Okay. On the other side, there's a David Johansson album in 2000. I'm gonna go with 97. That's him now, but.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Well, he's.

[C]

Yeah, he's Keith Richards vibe.

[A]

There's a song on that album about Times Square. Sort of all the fun stuff going away in Times Square downtown Dream.

[E]

Possibly.

[A]

Well, you can listen to it. They'll mention Times Square and all that. And it's a fun song and it's a good song. But I like a usable Times Square.

[B]

I would like.

[A]

I would like to be able to walk through it and not avoid it. And unfortunately it means the man has to do his job in order to get from where we were. And Jimmy and I used to go down there in the, you know, mid, later 90s, mid-90s, early mid-90s, and it was a dicey place to do business and now it's a real good place to do business. So cops showing up and kind of straightening things out. It's not always the man opposing his will all the time.

[C]

I wouldn't have been able to move there, a young 22 year old Gina to move to New York if that was still the case. I wouldn't have wanted to. I would have been scared.

[A]

It was a dicey place and LA is kind of turning into that Times in a much more sort of age quilt sort of way, just spread out and suffocating everybody. But I think with the amount of taxes we pay in the city, it'd be nice if somebody could at least address this or start focusing on it without a hey, you gotta give us more money so we can fix this thing. We're already getting taxed pretty good. I think there's other things you could do.

[B]

We could turn lemons into lemonade. I mean the Olympic Committee, the LA Olympic Committee, anyway, could like pitch it as maybe part of the Games, you

[A]

know what I mean?

[B]

Like hurdles over the homeless encampments.

[D]

I've always said

[A]

I'm with you. Listen, I was way ahead of the curve on this because I said we'd get our ass kicked every year in the bobsled department. Like the four man bobsledder Right. Two man, four man. Always, always getting their ass. I feel like the three man bobsled is right up there with the guy who invented the number two pencil. Just a different. Just different. Or number three. Sorry, number three pencil. Oh, no, three is the one used to. All right. Somebody. That's the kind of student I was. I said, you know, every year we would always try to get. We tried to get Herschel Walker on the team one year. Because the whole thing is about the push. The technology we're good at, right? We got a state of the art sled. It's all about the first 40ft, where you just push, push, push, push. And like I said, for the guy in the front, he steers. For the guy in the back, he breaks. And the two guys in the middle push as hard as they can for 40ft and then attempt to blow themselves for the next mile and a quarter. Because all you do is shove your head between your legs and you're just human ballast. But I said, we got. You see those? And we lose every year because we even try taking like track stars and putting them back there. Guys with huge quads. I've seen homeless guys pull on a wagon train of three or four shopping carts up Laurel Canyon. Like we do. We do training, but we have. We have a season and then they come back and then these guys never stop. Imagine if you were always in camp because you didn't have a camp or you lived in a camp.

[B]

There's no off season for these guys.

[A]

No, you're done with the fight. Let's go back down from the cabin over there that Rocky was training in. They live it weekends and Sundays and holidays. And every day it's just up over Laurel Canyon dragging a wagon train of these things. Put some of those guys behind a bobsled. First off, imagine if we fed them.

[B]

Wow, what a competitive advantage.

[A]

We feed them, we put them behind the bobsled and they're like, well, this is nothing. Just dragging something with a bad wheel on it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Take the layers of burlap off your own.

[C]

You don't have to bring any bottles. Any.

[A]

No, just put. Just put them on the. Oh, this is the easiest. We kick ass. Yeah. Be great. Just like.

[C]

Sounds too good to be true.

[A]

Guys going down the luge, hitting off a 40, smoking half a cigar.

[B]

That's like you're saying bolt. Like. Like taunting to the camera. You know, like doing the whole celebrating mid race.

[C]

Well, it's like they have the sign at the gym. If you're not training, someone else is. They take that very seriously.

[A]

All right. Do I have the song? Yeah. It's got a very long instrumental lead up. You want me to just fade in 10 seconds before they start or how long is it? Overall, I like this song a lot. It's a fun song. 4:15. Okay, well, we can get past that. I'll tell you about this before we bring that on. Draft kings. No better combo than turkey and football. Unless your fantasy season isn't going as planned. Well, you don't need to worry about that. You got DraftKings the destination for one week fantasy football. No season long commitments, nothing to bust, no bench warmers. Pick a new team every single week, everybody. That's right, Every week. Brand new [e-mail] you can pick your contest, draft your team, follow it live. Or you can do the 5050 contest. How does that work? Well, the top half of all the entries are going to win cash. So 50 50. Even Mike August likes those kind of odds at the shoot.

[B]

Wake up early for that.

[C]

They're a little high for him.

[A]

An hour earlier than earlier. So even if your team is cooked, you can still win huge cash prizes at DraftKings. That's DraftKings, Dawson. Use code adamdraftkings. And play for free with your first deposit. That's code Adam. And play for free for your share of over $100,000 in total prizes this weekend. Get to DraftKings.com now DraftKings.com eligibility restrictions may apply. Seaside for details. All right, we got the song about what happened to Times Square. I can't believe the things I see

[D]

on Broadway to get the ladies of the evening are going away Disney's built

[A]

a fortress in the heart of Times Square the most wholesome people will soon be there they don't smoke, they don't drink they'll turn this town into a mall and I don't know what to think they don't smoke, they don't drink they'll turn this town into a mall and I don't know what to think

[C]

Song.

[A]

Let me hear a little more. Hubert hattie Circus on 42nd Street. The most fabulous freaks you ever want to meet Trust that emporium was built on hollow ground but the city father shut him down they don't smoke, they

[D]

don't drink they'll turn this town into

[A]

a mall and don't know what to think they don't smoke well, There you go. 1997.

[C]

Ironically, I could get that at the Disney parade.

[A]

I'd like to hear that. All right, let's see Andrew and Brian are out there for the Thanksgiving edition. I will tell you. Let me tell you today. Sharp contrast to Thanksgiving, where I get to spend time with my family. Today is the best day of the year for this American citizen.

[C]

Tell us more.

[A]

Ah. Each time I do one of these car racing documentaries, at some point we go to Leno's shop. Leno has the Tonight show set set up there with a big old movie theater screen in the middle of it and some risers. And we bring over a fresh cut of the movie and always bring a couple of cold ones because Leno's a teetotaler. And then we sit down with his crew and my crew, and we watch our offering. Nice.

[C]

That sounds fun.

[B]

With guys will appreciate it.

[A]

With car guys who appreciate it. And it's a. It's a cute little couple sitting right next to Jay. And we sit there, and he just sits there, and he. He uses a. It's a. It's a denim sort of. He'll wear, like, a denim poncho with a denim. I don't know what they call those blankets that turn into a onesie or whatever. He has a denim Snuggie. He'll pull. He'll pull up that. He'll pull up a bucket of denim popcorn, and we will watch this movie. But in terms of, like, the simple things to enjoy in life, I always have this date where we're gonna go out to Leno's shop and watch it with the guys who did the movie and then the crew over at his shop. And it's always dangling out there as a. I will look forward to this moment. That's cool. Yeah. When you're in the middle of doing it and everything's a hassle and travel and all that, this is, and I think a real kick for Nate Adams and company, because in a general way,

[B]

not a specific way, but general way, you're making it for those guys. The movie's for those guys. Those types of guys. Those guys who are into that thing can appreciate the history, and they probably know a little about the story.

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. All right, we'll bring the guys in one second. I'm just gonna power through. Oh, no, I'm starting at the bottom. Mike. Yeah.

[F]

How you doing?

[A]

52, Kentucky.

[F]

Yep.

[A]

What's going on?

[F]

I saw your show. I saw your show at Bogarts. It was really, really entertaining.

[A]

When was that show?

[F]

When was that show?

[A]

That's a question.

[F]

Four weeks ago.

[C]

Is that when we went to Chicago.

[A]

Yeah. It was when we met up with you the next night. You had lynch in August and Cincy. Oh. Oh, yeah. I was at Bogart. Right.

[B]

Heard it was okay, but was missing something.

[A]

Yeah. You enjoyed it?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

But I kind of want to add a layer to that compliment. The last time I went to see a comedian at Bogart's was 30 years previously and it was Sam Kinison.

[A]

Wow. Been a while. So it took me to get you paroled or what happened? Where were you for that 30 years?

[F]

Oh, I actually just didn't find anybody comedians around here that funny.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

I just didn't bother to go out. Nobody actually got me to pry the money out of my wallet.

[A]

I am so glad I didn't know that going in, because if I knew that there was one guy out there that had had a 30 year draft blown, dust off his eyes, hiatus on showing up at Bogarts, and that if I screw this up, he's not gonna come back to another comedy show probably in his lifetime, that I would have been overcome with pressure and that Sam Kenison was the last guy he saw at Gogarts.

[B]

The ghost of Kinison behind you, right?

[A]

Screaming, yeah. All right. But you had a good time.

[F]

I had a great time.

[A]

Oh, good.

[F]

Next time you're out here. I live only like a few minutes from the airport and I make a lot of Hungarian food. So next time you're out here, Bogarts or anywhere nearby.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I can make you guys a big Hungarian feast.

[A]

Wow. Thank you. You got a basement? Because this is sounding. It's getting better every second. Living by the airport.

[C]

Does this smell like chlorophyll?

[A]

I've been so alone using paprika. What else do you need to know?

[F]

Real Hungarian paprika, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And I know how to make deviled eggs. And for August, I know how to make cheesecake.

[A]

Sweet. Yeah. We ate 141 deviled eggs in Reno, so.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I must take that. I must tell you, Lynette makes. Lynette has made egg salad three and a half times in the 15 years I've known her. But one of those times was Saturday before I left for Reno. And I literally. I did this move. You guys know this move?

[B]

A lot of protein myself.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You have to know this move. There's that move where there's the egg salad or the chicken salad or the tuna salad, whatever. It's in the bowl and it's in the fridge, and it's got the sulfane pulled over the top and you Pull it out and you size it up. You go, there's a little too much here. But if I transfer half or three quarters or seven eighths of it onto a plate, then there's just gonna be just a couple of bites. I'm gonna cover it up and I'll put it back, but it's not gonna be really anything. And then you do that thing that. Where you go, eff it. I'm just. I'm going to the ball, to my head. Like there's not. If there's a ton there, then you pull out a serving for yourself. If there's a little there, you go, kill it. This is a little more than you need. But you go, it's not worth silly.

[C]

You did the right thing. Because someone else would pull it out and be disappointed, right?

[A]

So I ate about six eggs sitting and eating on Saturday before we left for the airport. And as soon as we got to Reno, people to start literally presenting hard boiled eggs to me one after the other. And I did a blast.

[B]

Go ahead, Luke.

[A]

By eating them. Yes. All right. Speaking of cool hand. Let's see. Come on. Damn, I'm scared to go to line one. All right, Michael, update football picks.

[F]

65% since we first started talking. 60% this past weekend, when we spoke last week, said, hey, you've held up your end of the bargain. Let's have you out. And Brian said, well, let's. Let's maybe get one more week. So there it is, 60% again. 65% over the entire period.

[A]

By the way, you make a horrible Asian student. Hey, mom, what's up? 60% algebra, 60% biology, 60% history.

[B]

So I guess you'll be killing yourself.

[C]

I believe I'm owed an apology.

[A]

Yeah, you'd make a horrible Jew and or Asian student.

[B]

This one's on us, Michael. We forgot to assign you specific games, so you must have just picked a few random ones that you probably felt confident in. That's really on us. I'm sorry, 60.

[F]

That's not that. Actually, what you did is you've always said, do the final five games of the week of play. Normally we do, but that's what I'm.

[A]

Hold on. You started it, you know. Hold on, you started it. 60 something percent, then you went to like 80 something percent. Then you went to 65% and now you're at 60%.

[F]

I went. I went 3 for 5, then 5 for 5, then 2 for 5, then 3 for 5. Last week I was 67% and you said, yeah, but ending on a frowny face. And she said, but on the other hand, you've held up your end of the bargain. And Brian said, well, why don't you have him do one more week?

[A]

Well, Brian kind of. He rules the roost over here. Yeah, Maybe he didn't get that memo behind the scenes. So I do.

[B]

As an iron fist, but a velvet glove.

[A]

I can check with Brian to see if it's thumbs up or thumbs down off the air. Of course, he'll make the final decision. And then thus, when you come into the premises swinging machete the first place, you ought to sort of focus your eye. Or to big bald head, it says Adam Carolla out front. But it's Brian is really pulling all the strings up here.

[C]

Puppet master.

[A]

Understand that, Mike.

[F]

Everyone we listen to, everyone we listen to is barely able to make 60% just choosing a winner or a loser.

[A]

I gotta check my math, but the last time I checked my math, 60% was a little bit over 50%, which I feel that's. Chimps throwing darts at a schedule can get 50. Right.

[B]

Don't forget about the vig. That's gonna take you down.

[A]

Oh, the vig. Yeah, you gotta pay the vig.

[F]

But I'm not 60%. I'm 65% over the period.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. We'll discuss. Gary, remind me to discuss for you. Discuss that with Brian. Yeah, I'll put that high on the list. I was kind of. I was hoping for a string of four out of fives.

[B]

Yeah, we all were.

[A]

I think we all were. We're a little bit low now. All right, why don't we bring in Brian, other Brian and Andrew. I was going to say Brian with the bad attitude, but hey, how could you tell? Then Brian with the Y and then I don't even know where to start. Now I'm lost. Just bring in Andrew and Brian over there. Hold on. I was gonna talk to line three. Who's on there? Oh, did he hang up on him? That's fine. That's good. You guys.

[G]

He's still there.

[A]

I just took the note down. Pull in one second. Yeah. All right. Hey, caller. Yes, Kevin. What's your name? Kevin. Oh, Kevin there. Yes, go ahead. What's going on?

[F]

Hi, thanks for taking my call. I'm just curious if Sonny is showing any signs of maturity that would lead you to believe he is ready to stop playing with his Stuffies. Or if not, at what point do you tell him that it's time to tell the Stuffies to hit the bricks?

[A]

It's just a waste of My time. I think what I'll do. Somewhere around. Somewhere between his junior year in college and divorce.

[B]

First divorce.

[C]

Stuff he caused.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's clear. Well, it has to come first.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[A]

Divorce the junior year in college and. Or divorce. I will get into his apartment and I will. I'm assuming he's a renter. He's a Corolla. And I'll take them all away and I'll explain that a very elderly Philly cheesesteak got loose and just went nuts. And the reason I cleaned it up is because I didn't want you to see the carnage.

[B]

What had happened.

[C]

See, I thought you were gonna go the other way and stage a horrific crime scene involving the stuffies ripped apart limb to limb.

[A]

Yeah, I don't wanna.

[B]

I don't wanna print dramatic.

[D]

I don't.

[A]

I. I don't.

[C]

Theatrical.

[A]

Yeah. I don't want him to have ptsd.

[B]

Post Traumatic Stuffy disorder.

[A]

Yeah. And Malibu Marty. Andrew. Hey.

[E]

How's it going?

[A]

Brian. What's up? Andrew? It's true. I call your name when I go to the other warehouse just to hear you respond, right? Yep. I don't need anything from the boy.

[B]

What is the response?

[A]

He. He sounds.

[B]

If only he was here to recreate it.

[A]

Oh, okay. Sorry. Well, it's kind of tough on him because it's not gonna sound like much, but. Andrew.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, now, listen.

[B]

I can see why you long for that.

[A]

It isn't normal. No, listen to me. You know how I've said, you know, if you're gay, you'll sound gay eventually, and if you're angry, you're gonna sound angry. And if you're racist, you sound racist. Like, you sound like. You kind of sound like what you're thinking.

[C]

Right? Cheer up and be excited.

[A]

Yeah, you just sound like what you're thinking most of the time. And the response is a pretty pure way to kind of see what's going on in somebody's core. So when I call my son, he'll give a very pure, sweet response because he's a sweet person. Andrew's a sweet guy. His temperament is very good. And so he answers, he doesn't sound like my son. They have the same tone.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's. What a nice. It's how nice people respond when the boss man says something. All right, so you guys ready to play some ball over here? Congratulations on the movie, by the way. You guys did a wonderful job. What are we working on now? Willie T. Mostly. Mostly Willie T. Ribs. The story Cut is almost done. If not done right now. Was it a three or four hour story cut? Four and a half hours long right now.

[C]

Leave it.

[A]

So am I, Andrew, am I gonna be devastated that that's not on a disc for me this weekend? Or how's this gonna work in the disappointment department? Because I get a lot of, you can have it on a stick. And then I go, I want it on a disc because I want to watch it on my tv. And then I get a lot of, ooh, it's gonna take some time, take some doing. Yeah. And then at some point I'll say to Andrew, how we looking? And he'll go, well, I'll start compressing it early Wednesday and then it should be ready to go at about 4 o' clock when you're ready to go on Wednesday. And then I'll come in at noon and I'll go, how we looking? And I'll go, 3% compressed, boss. And I'll say when you start 5am and I'll go, okay, how's this gonna work with my four o' clock departure here? Yeah. Then he'll say, it should be done around 2am I can come back, get it and bring it over to your house. And then I'll go, don't do that, don't do that. I don't want it. I'll be asleep. Don't do it. And then I'll go, I'll come over on the weekend, I'll abandon my family and all my Thanksgiving. And I'll go, just wait till Monday. Just wait till Monday. How are we on that?

[B]

Where's Prada?

[A]

I think it was like 80% when we came over here.

[E]

80%, but that was part of it, right?

[B]

Yeah. That's only the last half.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

The first half is something like 30%. So we're 80% of 50% done. Yeah. All right. I like those. I like those numbers. Yeah. Maybe Michael should have. Should work with you guys. You guys know how to spin things. How we doing, boss? 80%. Great. Of 50%. All right, so I'll be able to take a disc home on tomorrow? Theoretically, yeah, there's about an 80% chance. Okay. All right. And chassis, two S's and a Y, doing very well. And like I said, we crashed the system, but we're back up as far as we know. And everyone's loving the 24 hour warranty.

[B]

Are these fellows going to Leno?

[C]

Well, now they are.

[A]

Hold on now. It ran through my brain. You guys don't like cars? Dude, that's A yes or no question. Yeah, I like cars, Andrew. You don't like cars? Not really.

[B]

You don't like people appreciating your work? People appreciating what you do?

[A]

I don't know. It's. It's tough because I ran, you know, I don't want to show up there with too big a posse, you know what I mean? No, wait.

[C]

I got this, you guys. There could be food there. You'd hate it.

[B]

Oh, goodbye.

[C]

Don't bother.

[A]

Yeah, you guys are probably Conan fans or something anyway, right? Yeah. Anyone invite you guys to Leno? Nate invited me.

[D]

Oh. I told him I'd think about it.

[C]

You big timed him.

[A]

All right, well, think real hard cause I invited a couple other guys too, so we'll work that out. This is the first I've heard of it. Okay. Thanks, Brian. I had a feeling. I had a feeling I was gonna go in and ask you guys, but then I thought, what if the answer is no or you haven't been invited? All right, let's play the game.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Will Andrew eat it because he's picking his lunches. Plain Cheerios. Eats pizza without cheese because he eats hot dogs from the middle out. Must have a mental disease because he's. His taste buds are so f. He won't eat a p because he's been druze eating it. So weird. Like a toddler who is hiding. All right, good intro. First I'll tell you about Tommy John, the company that introduced the world to wedgie free men's underpants. Oh, Andrew and Brian. Imagine going through high school in a wedgie free environment. Think about where you'd be now, emotionally, spiritually, anally. It is Tommy John, everybody. If you're not wearing Tommy John, you are missing out. Patented breathable fabric. It's just one of these things where you just. You will not go back to the old underpants.

[B]

I've been missing this my whole life.

[A]

Yes, yes. Anything better than those like multi pack the chub pack boxers and everything. Super soft undershirts never come untucked, the socks warm over on. I told you. I was doing Bill Simmons show the other week and I was like I gotta sit there and fold it. Cross your legs and it always shows your weird hairy shin. Got out the socks. Foot dropped. Just dropped in Tommy John. No adjusted adjustment needed. All their underwear is backed by their best pair of aware guarantee. So you got nothing to lose. Tommy John. Tommy John. Dawson, use code [e-mail] now for 20% off your first order. That's Adam for 20% [e-mail], tommyjohn.com all right, so will Andrew and Brian eat it? Thanksgiving edition. Here we go. All right. Our first food item is stuffing. Will Andrew and Brian eat it? I love stuffing.

[B]

That's out of the box. Stuffing.

[A]

Stuffing is great. Stuffing is a great thing to slide over and get just a little shot of gravy on the side of it, a little smear of the cranberry and even some mashed potato and just put it all in one bite.

[C]

Here's my thinking. It's bread based, which is very plain. So I think yes.

[A]

But it's seasoned on the spices season. It's got a number of things going on.

[B]

It's toasted bread.

[A]

It's as white bread as you get. Pardon the pun. Almost in the Thanksgiving department, but still a little exotic for Andrew's palate. I say no to Andrew and Brian. I say no to. Because he's probably a conscientious objector. He's gonna do one of the I don't need your bread put in your turkey. Okay? So I think he's gonna hate it for moral purposes and he's gonna take a stand, a moral stand. And Andrew's just not gonna like it.

[B]

I'm looking at the way Andrew's looking at it, and I say yes, yes, yes to Andrew. Brian, he's such a wild card. I say no. Yes, Andrew, no to Brian.

[C]

I'm gonna go the opposite. I think that Brian kind of hate loves it, and I think it's a little too much going on for Andrew.

[A]

I wouldn't need it. I wouldn't need it if you paid me to. Wow. Angry at stuffing. That's what I like. So two points available for each one of you on each item. So Adam in the lead with two.

[B]

Follow up question. Have you guys ever tried stuffing?

[A]

Once.

[B]

Never again.

[A]

The horrible stuff, there's nothing to it.

[C]

Post traumatic stuffing disorder two years ago.

[A]

How can you not. Andrew, how can you not try stuffing? There are things you do eat. Very few, but there are things you. Everything you eat could be. Could fit onto Tom Brady's wristband with this. With his cheat place on there.

[B]

That's a two minute drill without opening

[A]

just the bottom part. But you might like stuffing. It's just bread, breadcrumbs. Just the name's not very appealing.

[C]

Wait, some people call it dressing.

[B]

Yeah, dressing or fixing.

[A]

That's. It's getting worse.

[C]

Okay, wait, so it's.

[A]

It's all in the marketing for you? Yeah, it's in the marketing little homoerotic for you.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like some turkey.

[A]

All right, all right, well, let's take it away. Hold on. Oh no. Dylan. Yeah? Bring the. You got a plate of raping on there, D. Bring that out of here. Yeah. There's no way Andrew's eating that next thing. All right, so now we're going to try the next one. Next up, green bean casserole. Will Andrew and Brian eat?

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

I've seen it look better, but in theory it's amazing.

[A]

All I can think of is, am I paying for all this?

[B]

Well, you're gonna get it.

[C]

Somebody had to make it.

[A]

All right. Green bean casserole.

[B]

I can't envision a scenario in which either one of them would eat this. In which case I'm saying yes to I don't know.

[A]

Well, again, the game is designed to confound, you know what I mean?

[C]

And it tastes so good.

[A]

And I'm now having to sort of, you know, put my mind into the head of Dylan or Lynch or whoever had to go over there and pick what's left of your brains. And at some point Brian said, oh, I love green bean. Or they said, what do you like? What do you like? And he threw a crazy curve ball with. My mom used to make great green bean casserole. So I will go, Andrew, no, Brian, yes.

[B]

I'm doing the same thing because Andrew doesn't like cheese on pizza. Right. And this is a very cheesy dish. So I say no to Andrew, yes to Brian.

[C]

I think it's more cream based. Right.

[A]

Doesn't have to, I don't know, doesn't need to have a lot of cheese.

[C]

I think it's gonna be a little too much for both of you. I'm gonna say no to both.

[A]

I wouldn't eat it. No way. Dammit. You should have got my first instinct. I should have too. I get up in my hand and I start trying to. It's disgusting. No, but it's so specific that I felt like somebody talked to somebody and got an answer. Okay, now green beans are best raw. Yeah.

[B]

You don't mess with them.

[A]

Yeah, green beans on their own are fine. Get like five or six and you just take a big bite. Really? That's it. That's how you do it. Green beans. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Like, what else is in this?

[C]

I don't know, Cream and fried onions.

[D]

No.

[C]

Okay, Mushrooms.

[A]

So green beans are best raw.

[B]

Oh boy.

[A]

Wow. Oh boy. There's no pattern.

[B]

It's like a true serial killer. Like a Madman. There's no pattern.

[C]

You're gonna have a baby and the toddler's gonna be like, just try it.

[A]

He's gonna do the choo choo train today.

[B]

Airplanes coming in.

[A]

Your dad's got scurvy again. We've gotta get him. He's been eating nothing but Honey Nut Cheerios. Junior, get in there. Talk some sense into him. Hey, pull up that huggy and man up. All right, now let's go. What's next? Oh, wait, who's. What's the score now? Sorry. You and Gene are knotted up with Brian one behind. All right, our next food item, canned cranberry sauce. Will Andrew and Brian eat it? This is the gelatinized version.

[C]

Well, you still see the canned divots.

[A]

Yeah, the serration of the can. I don't like it because it comes out like dog food. When you do a thing that makes sense, it queefs a little when he comes out of the thing. All right, it's too tart for Andrew, it's too tart for the lad. But at some point one of these a holes has to agree to one of these things. Right? Was there any kind of pre production on this bit? Like, I don't know how this thing works.

[B]

The funny part of it, if they hated everything,

[A]

it's certainly possible. I don't. We can reveal the behind the scenes after if you like. Direction goes into this. I don't think it should be discussed with these two, but we can talk to me about it later.

[B]

Be surprised, everyone.

[A]

Too tart for Andrew. But I'm just going to say because someone has to like something at some point that Brian. But why would he. It's something. You have the same relationship with food Andrew that my mom and dad have with life. Which is like. Do you think your mom or dad. And I was like, hold on. Before you suggest the activity or the hobby or the team, does it fall under the heading of something? Well, yeah, falls under the head. Okay, then they're out. They're out. So with Brian, it's like in Andrew it's like, well, we gotta get. No, if it falls under hanging of food edible, then he's out. So I'm gonna say he's out on this. But I'll say Brian's in because someone has to say in.

[B]

I trust my first instincts now. No to both.

[C]

Okay, if you guys will remember from the Halloween edition, they were both super into the sour patch and all that curly. Yeah, the sour crap. That's so terrible.

[B]

Fantastic.

[A]

Sour patch.

[B]

Yeah, Sour and tart. Though, are different.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

But it looks like unidentifiable mess, and that's kind of what that Halloween candy is. So I'm going to say they'll both eat it.

[A]

Wow. All right. I would eat it. Oh, I've never had it and I never will.

[C]

I'll take that.

[A]

Never, never will. Never will. You know, I hope. I hope. Hold on, Dylan. It is my desire and wish that you both get strung out on meth.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And commit some sort of heinous crime. You know, like where you kill a cop and then a neighbor and then, like, the cop's son and you get the death penalty and you're in either Texas or Florida. Okay, Andrew, you're in Texas. Brian, you're in Florida when this heinous crime goes down and you get the death penalty. And over there, they'll fast track you. You know, we don't have to sit around and we're still waiting for, like, the first Manson family member out here in California to get the chair. But over there, they fast track you, they push you to the front of the line, and then they say, andrew, final meal. And you're like, do you have tap water? Yeah. Okay.

[B]

While you're deciding you're a final meal. You want the tap water?

[A]

No, this tap water's good. Or not? I'm good.

[C]

You have half an orange.

[A]

I'll have. And then Brian will be like, I'll have one sour patch and one. And if you could do the tap water lukewarm, that would be awesome. No, I still am. So you've never. Brian has never tried cranberries.

[E]

Never in a million years.

[A]

Okay, but now how do you know in advance? Especially when somebody. Andrew. I mean, sorry. Yes, Andrew, you enjoy cranberry sauce. So when you find out a guy like Andrew enjoys it, does that loosen up your. Your bib just a little bit? I don't know who has been sharing

[B]

a wall, an office wall with me

[A]

for the last two years. Wow, there's a lot of deep seated hatred going on here. Okay, what is. What is the score now? Gina has four, and you and Brian are both tied at three. Oh, boy.

[C]

I'm looking through the window. And this would be a real easy game to pray to play with Chris in there.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Chris. Chris is eating all the stuff that's leaving Caitlin's favorite day of the year. You tell me when Dana shows up, by the way. Will do. All right, our next food item is cornbread. Cornbread. Oh, look at that. Corn makes everything better. It just does. It's like, chowder's good, and then corn chowder's better. Like, corn. Cornbread is so good. And the problem is you have a problem with, like, Vinny Tortorich and whoever. I've been ruined for cornbread. When I was growing up, it's like, oh, that's something healthy to eat. Cornbread, corn, and bread. And now it's like you realize you might as well have a piece of cake.

[C]

And speaking of cake, can I give everyone one Thanksgiving tip? My mom's been doing this my entire life. You add it's two boxes of cornbread and one box of yellow cake mix. Just do that this year. Everyone will love you for it.

[A]

All right, I'm gonna say they both dislike cornbread.

[B]

Interesting. I'm going the opposite way. I'm saying they'll both eat cornbread. It's simple, minimal ingredients, minimal sort of taste.

[C]

I think it's a texture thing. I think Andrew will eat it and Brian will not.

[A]

I will eat it. I won't. Damn it. Damn it.

[B]

Have you said yes to one thing yet?

[E]

No.

[C]

He doesn't do Thanksgiving.

[A]

All right, I'm declaring Gina the winner. Unless there's something. Is there one more out? There is one more. Let's just do one more.

[B]

Because it'd be pumpkin pie.

[A]

It could be either dessert or could be actual turkey, which we don't. Turkey is our tiebreaker. Know about if we need it. So, Brian, Thanksgiving over at your place. Just one chicken bouillon cube is placed on the table, and everyone. Mama yells, have at it. Or, like, rings the triangle or. Well, last year. Yeah, last year. I want to know what happened last year. Last year, I. I had a potato, and I cut it up. Living on the wild side. I made french fries. My own secret recipe for French fries with a potato. You show. Do you go home? Where do you go? I stay in la. You stay in la. Who are you with? It's not me. Myself. Okay.

[C]

It's all coming together.

[A]

I am with Leno. I don't know if you heard. No, but I've done the out of work actor thing here, which is like all the. All the people from the Groundlings and the Acme Theater, they're all from somewhere else, and they get together at one Thanksgiving. Yeah. Go to Kathy Griffin's apartment and she'll serve it up over there. Back in the day or whatever it is. I used to do that. But you got. Well, it'd be a waste for you to go anywhere, right? Yeah, well, I just generally don't like

[B]

people in la Celebrations of food.

[A]

So it's like celebrations, food, people, all the things. Yeah, you've come to hate. Andrew, where are you gonna be? At home? Yep. Any family coming in? No, just me and my wife. We'll do the last one, and then I want to know what your wife is supposed to cook.

[C]

Whip up a nice Cheerio gravy.

[B]

Right. I feel bad. I would like to formally invite you guys to dinner at Adam's house.

[A]

We're going to my sister's house in.

[B]

I would love to go to Adam's house.

[A]

Go to my house. Good luck at my sister's. All right, here we go. Our final food item. Mashed potatoes with gravy. Mmm. Mashed potatoes with gravy. Gina, you're gonna have to go first.

[C]

All right, well, we know Brian likes potatoes, but I don't think that he abides by gravy. Ah, Andrew, you know what? I think that the gravy makes this a no for both of them.

[B]

Oh, thank God. I'm going yes to both.

[A]

I gotta go yes to both, too, because my only way back into this game, statistically or mathematically. Here we go. I wouldn't eat it.

[B]

I will never have gravy. Or mashed potatoes.

[A]

Mashed potatoes are disgusting. That's what Andrew will eat often. I don't.

[C]

I don't mean to gloat, but did I win the Halloween edition, too?

[A]

I think you. I know.

[C]

I know these guys. Yeah, I don't know them, but I

[A]

know you don't know me. Oh, boy, oh, boy. What have I said? Andrew. All right, get back there and finish up that Willie T. Ribs documentary, would you, please?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I want that thing burnt on a desk. Yes.

[B]

All right, just for fun, would you like to know if they eat turkey? Okay, just say a quick yes or no.

[E]

I love turkey.

[B]

Yeah, turkey's fine.

[A]

That's the beauty. That's the beauty of it.

[C]

White meat, dark meat.

[A]

That is the beauty of it.

[C]

They don't discriminate.

[A]

That is the beauty of those two.

[C]

It's insane.

[B]

Isn't it a little depressing going into the holidays?

[A]

The thing I can't figure out about Brian. Well, first off, there's our editor. Jacob over there. May quietly be as bad as these two guys.

[C]

He doesn't want to be outed.

[A]

I haven't really scratched his lotto ticket yet. But judging from what he does for lunch over there, which is a sack of the miniature carrots that are pre rounded over sort of cocktail weenie carrots. Like a sack of those and like A sack of cashews. I'm starting to worry a little about Jacob over there as well.

[B]

It's alarming.

[C]

How'd you find them all?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Also, no to everything except your.

[A]

When I was poor and I was their age, if it was free, I was in put it in me or put it in me and then pay me and then I'll go buy some food. But either way, I was in. I didn't turn my. Like, mashed potatoes and gravy would be like, I'd eat an army helmet of mashed potatoes and gravy if you handed it to me and told me, just stand in the corner and eat it. Eat the whole thing. Like, there's nothing. The thing I can't figure out about and about Brian is he's never tried.

[B]

He never will. We should do a segment one time on, like, our best poor eating stories. Like, just the lengths you go to when you're poor and there's food. Like, I'll just give an example. My roommate for many years worked at a movie theater close by, and at the end of the night, when they closed down, all the popcorn would just be extra popcorn. He'd put it in, literally, a new trash bag, a black trash bag, and bring it home, and we'd eat popcorn all weekend. Stale popcorn all weekend.

[C]

Are there state or federal laws against force feeding?

[A]

I know, Brian. I know. When a prisoner, like, at Gitmo goes on a hunger strike, they put a butt funnel in them and give him some insurer.

[C]

All right, all right.

[A]

One of the first things. One of my first moves, like, if I was ever in charge, would be like, I'm sorry, everyone's gonna find this controversial, but if any prisoner just decides to stop eating, we don't have to. To chain him to a bed and put an IV in them. Like, if they just don't want to

[B]

eat, that's their prerogative.

[A]

I will put a. I will put a BLT sandwich, Gitmo. I'll put it. I'll put a club sandwich out. I'll put a glass of milk and a club sandwich and a salad out every morning at 10am if they choose not to eat it, that'll be them. But I'm not going to wrestle their emaciated body down and try to shove an IV in them.

[B]

Our hope should be they all stop

[A]

eating, which is thank you. Which is what they do. All right.

[C]

Lovely sentiment this time of year.

[A]

Dana Carvey is now here, so we'll take a break. First, Ashley Madison, baby. Ashleymadison.com fed up with the vanilla dating sites? Bored with swiping. Check out the new AshleyMadison.com Everyone is welcome. Singles, couples, people looking for new experiences of every kind. Nearly half the members are single. That's a stat. Nearly half the members are single for free. Spirited, open minded people, man, Check it out. Ashley Madison. Students, artists, entrepreneurs, retirees, moms, dads. Everybody in between. Go to ashleymadison.com you'll never be asked to log in using your public social network accounts. Lots of features designed to keep your private life private. So check them out. Ashleymadison.com and you can join free today. That's right, [e-mail] that's ashleymadison.com check it out. Join for free today. All right. Dana Carvey is out there. His comedy special I saw last night, very funny. Straight white male. We will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Dana Carvey. Everyone loves Dana Carvey. Straight white male, 60. Very funny. Netflix special event as we speak. Feel like he did at least 37 impressions. I didn't count them, but man, there's a lot of good stuff.

[D]

My new thing now is micro impressions. It's just because I'm so bored with them. It's a way to establish a conceit that the joke is almost the impression. Well, it's a reverse engineering. Here's an example. Sean Connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in Spain.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yes. So it's just a way.

[A]

Yeah. You don't have to do the whole thing with. Imagine if Sean Connery was one of the founding fathers and had to deliver in a debate with. No, you just do this. It's better. It's more satisfying. And then in today's super fast cut

[D]

society, Christopher Walken sees a particularly good magic trick.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Just. That's it. I could teach you. I mean, we can all do these.

[A]

No, I don't think we can.

[D]

All you need is one syllable.

[A]

Wow. The thing that's amazing about Dana, but I always say this about any good impressionist is how their face turns into the person they're doing too. Which I wonder. Well, no, there's some in your eyes that look that become the person you're doing. And it's like I get the audible side of it. Like you can hear it in Mina. Bird it back. There's a way to do this show. Nice.

[D]

That's so good. This is gonna be fabulous.

[A]

Starts off the special with Trump, by the way.

[D]

I do. I had to. Okay, okay. I mean that's just a weird new strange toy that you have to do. I mean, and you. And it keeps getting. I saw him with Obama and you just have a million. That. That picture was the most Shakespearean. Whatever. Don't let go of my hand, okay? I'm very in over my head.

[A]

Don't let go. Also, it's like, in a weird way, giving the keys to the White House back to Trump is like. We countered with one and a half white people are coming back. Like black guys. You may have got it for eight hours. We're coming back with one. One and a half. Maybe even 250% white people would have said. Some would have said like two years ago. What do you mean one and a half white people? Just wait. Just wait.

[C]

It's like, makes sense.

[A]

Rubio, what are you talking about?

[B]

You should be so lucky.

[D]

I am so white. I'm totally white. Incredibly white.

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

Don't worry. We're going so white, you'll wish you had Cruzeo.

[D]

A billionaire who got the working class vote. I mean, I think that is just.

[A]

It was just giant and orange and I mean, we're going. But you know what? You know what? I don't want to tell you how to do your comedy, but.

[D]

No, I want to hear what you're.

[A]

Here's what I would work on.

[D]

Everyone's trying to figure out this.

[A]

Here's what I would work on when I would call it Trump on prompter. Because when he gets on the prompter, he does the thing where he lays out a bunch of stats. He lays out a bunch of. And then he does the side thing where he'll go. He'll go, you know, 2,000Americans killed by illegal aliens. Terrible. He'll throw us. That's that Unprompter. That's not on prompter.

[D]

That's a really good observation because I was doing that. And he had a very weird cadence, too. They will do things that we don't know when he's looking at the prompter, they'll ever do. They're very, very terrible, terrible things. Terrible. Your dad live in the middle. Terrible. He'd go back to the prompter and he'd have that thing where he'd chalk in a very different cadence and then he'd go down the center. Very tremendous. Tremendous. Absolutely tremendous.

[A]

He drops down, does the terrible or the tremendous.

[D]

We're all still learning it. It took me two years to learn George Bush Sr. It takes a long time to get the sub hooks. You know, there's a lot of weird sub Hooks.

[C]

And then everyone just starts doing your impression. And starting.

[D]

Well, it would be doing Alec Baldwin because he's the bully pulpit. He does a great hulking, bizarre take on it.

[B]

So your facial thing with the impressions was perfectly Dana's. Tom Brokaw was very with the face.

[D]

Can I do a micro Tom Brokaw?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Tom Brokaw asking, where is the library? In Spanish, Donda esta la bibliotheca. So it's like they're just. They're funny, right? You have to laugh because why am I setting up this premise? Like, how. It's not even like Tom Brokaw in a hot tub with Sinbad.

[A]

Well, I feel like, again, I don't want to tell your business especially well,

[D]

I'll take your observations, put them through my filter, and not credit you.

[A]

I would have two micro impressions.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I would have the Sean Connery, do you want a vacation in Spain? And then I would have the flip side, which is Broca. We have to guess who it was. And obviously that's one we do. That's Tom Broca asking where the library is in Spanish. Right.

[D]

You gotta.

[A]

The ones we got a guess at, and then the ones that you set up in advance.

[D]

Yes, I have. Let's see. Michael Caine as a kindergartner. What do we have to color between the launch? They're just fun. I don't know.

[A]

It's available now, by the way. Straight white male, 60. Very, very.

[D]

It's very weird shooting those things. Have you shot an hour one yet?

[A]

Well, I was going to, and then Baby Doll Dixon, my agent, caught wind of it, and it was this. Will you ever.

[D]

I love that movie you did, by the way. I have a little ADD about to stand up on the road.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Hard capture. At least for me. That was like, yes. People go, must be so glamorous. You know, it's like, no, well, thanks.

[A]

I got a couple other movies I'll. I'll give you before you leave.

[D]

Tell me where they're streaming.

[A]

You ever have this situation, whether it's in any kind of relationship where you're telling somebody the truth or what's happening or something, and the person is getting mad at you like you got caught cheating? Like. Like. Like, it's like your phone rings and you go, oh, it's my old girlfriend Cheryl Ann, sending me a text, and then your wife's going, what? She. What's this on your phone? I'm telling you what's happening right now. Like, that's. It's real time. Why haven't I done a stand up special? There's a guy named Barry Katz.

[D]

Yes, of course.

[A]

Jay Moore does a very funny. Barry Katz. Yeah, he's a management guy, manager, and he's a funny guy. And he just came up to me at some charity event and he was like, why haven't you done a stand up special? And I said, I don't know, I just do everything else. And he said, do you want to

[H]

do a stand up?

[E]

Have you ever been to China?

[A]

Yeah, that's J. Moore. And I said, yeah, Barry, I wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't mind doing a stand up special. Is that something you do? Yeah, I know people. I said, okay, well, I think I could do. I'm doing a lot of standup right now. And I said, all right. And then I called my agent, James Baby Doll Dixon. I said, hey, talk to Barry Katz. He wants to. What's that guy talking to you about stand up specials for?

[D]

I said, so they got competitive.

[A]

Well, I think there's a little territorial.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

And then I was like. I was like, well, I don't know. I think he wants to do a special. What's he talking to you about doing a special? I said, I don't know. I just want to tell that son of a bitch Baby Doll, like three days later. And he said, don't worry, I got that whole thing to go away.

[B]

Straightened him out.

[A]

I straightened him out good.

[D]

I don't go with Baby Doll. I want representation. It's a straight white male named Baby Doll.

[A]

Baby Doll Dixon.

[D]

I don't know about specials anyway. I mean, really, 10 minutes of standup. When we were kids, we'd see Richard Pryor, Ned Sullivan, or. I don't know about the whole hour thing. Anyway, I watch them in piecemeal for friends. I'll watch 15, come back later, a month later. It's just hard to sit and watch anybody for an hour with a mic. Except for my special. But you know what I mean.

[A]

Well, for you it's like, speaking of like Bob Hopes, like a cavalcade of stars.

[D]

Well, it is a variety show. I'm not a traditional stand up. Coming from one point of view and doing that. It's like a variety show. There's like little sketches.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. At some point we have Paul talking to John Lennon in heaven about Michael Jackson and other things. It's doing all the parts and it's

[D]

kind of a fun, you know. What is, you know, what's it like? Well, it's about Kanye west making an album with. With McCartney and Lennon has a conversation. What do we know? Does he have a woman that inspires him? Well, he's got, you know, lovely girl named Kim Kardashian. Well, what does she do? That's the job. Well, she takes pictures of a bottom. That's her job, to take pictures of a bottom with a Polaroid camera? No, the baby television. In the future, everybody's got a baby television. She takes pictures of a baltim, you know, and, you know, they all do it. The whole family's taking pictures. One gentleman got so frustrated, he became a woman. So that's part of the special. But, yeah, I could do that all day because I want to have John Lennon and Paul McCartney be friends now. Yeah, I want them because enough time has passed. You listen to Revolver and you see that where they were harmonizing and writing together and. And you go, well, they loved each other. And so when I do the conversation, it's cathartic for me, personally.

[A]

Yeah, I'm trying to think if there's something about that level of talent and the way they both yin and yang kind of completed each other sonically, that you could never get along with that person that was so close to you or fit or completed you or something. Like, I don't.

[D]

Well, if you write a song like if I Fell, and then you've got your bandmate come in, you put these headphones on and you're going to sing two part harmony. And so it's. Paul McCartney is going to sing it with you. And it's like doing both at the same time, and you're hearing it and going, holy. So.

[A]

Right.

[D]

I think that that happens. And if John had lived, they would have figured that out later.

[A]

Oh, they're definitely.

[D]

They were too young. It was too soon.

[B]

There was that great moment in history that was almost a great moment, which. Where they almost went on snl, remember that was. They were in together, watching the show, and didn't Lorne Michaels offer them a check to. It was 500 bucks.

[D]

Come down here, 30 Rock. We'll give you $45. And all the things. Hello, Adam, it's Lauren. We'd like to have another incredible real life character.

[A]

Speaking of incredible characters, you were in the freshman class with Neyland, who I love, and Phil Hartman. Yeah, and Hartman. That's a guy I miss. It's funny, somebody brought up Sam Kinison earlier in the show, and I've never a big Sam Kenison fan, and I figured he would have OD'd at some point or something. But the like I'm married. I'm in hell. I'm in hell. And then all the rock and roll and hey, Pauly Shore thinks you're super funny. I never really got on board with that.

[C]

Wasn't your brand.

[A]

I don't really. I feel like if you were here now, he'd be dead. So.

[D]

Well, what happened is when you're Phil Hartman, I miss. I will see indie films and see a character and go, wow, Phil would have played that great. Because Phil. Phil was effortless. What was so freaky about Phil is he cared about his guitar, his. His boat, his airplane. And then he would. Oh, yeah, I'll go do that. I mean, you'd be on the 8H Saturday Night Live and, you know, you'd have your binder or he'd have his binder. Meticulous. But. But I would. I mind was crumpled up. I'd look, he'd be reading about Evinrude motors, schematics of horsepower. Just. And then. Oh, yeah. And then go do this Arab prince and some sketch. So. Yeah. He was a freak that way.

[A]

Well.

[C]

And designing album covers. Right.

[D]

He was a complete artist. Yeah. A complete renaissance personality. And that's. Yeah, I agree. You know, so where.

[E]

Let's.

[A]

I want to talk some Dana Carver here. I want to know where you came from, what your influences were. I was yelling at somebody the other day when they were talking. I've explained that. There's nobody less funny on the planet than my mom. I don't think. Would you agree with that, Brian?

[B]

That I've met for sure.

[A]

Have you met anyone less funny than my mom?

[D]

But now I want to meet your mom. That's funny.

[A]

Well, I'm sure she's a big fan until she finds out I'm a big fan of yours and we know each other. In which case she. She won't be a big fan. How would I know that? Great. John. God, I love that Jon Stewart story. I love when I love. We're talking about On Brand. We're talking about on the road. Like on Brand. Like one that just encapsulates my entire family.

[B]

T.M.

[A]

yes, my mom. Sorry, listeners, but I'll tell you how many kids.

[D]

How many kids.

[A]

I have a sister. She's a year older. She's doing well. My mom is just one of these people that has no sense of. It's just. She's not funny. And it's sort of. But not mean or even angry. Just sort of not funny. Just from a fiber of her soul, but also with a nice dusting of you know, crushed child inside mixed with lashing out at the world and just low self esteem. Like, I like her.

[D]

I relate to what you're saying.

[A]

She walked through my front door once and one time. We never discuss comedy or what's funny or anything. It's completely an utter bust. I mean, Brian, please stop me if I'm overstating my mother and just how dour and unfunny she is.

[B]

We'll jump in at some point, okay? If necessary.

[A]

She walked in through my front door about 10 years ago. She was holding a VHS tape that she tapes Oprah with over and over and over again. And she said to me, it's all very Corolla esque. She said, have you heard of this Jon Stewart? Well, we're on the same network.

[D]

That's what comedians love.

[A]

I do love that.

[D]

You gotta love this guy.

[A]

The only thing better is calling your stand up special. It's a funny little skit. That's a skit.

[D]

Well, I always say class clown is singular because if there were class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class. We're needy people.

[A]

Yeah. What is like fish? So she comes in and she goes, have you heard of Jon Stewart? Now we have the same agent, James Baby Doll Dixon, and we're on the same network, which is Comedy Central, so. And I do comedy for a living. So at this point, there's probably a good chance I know who Jon Stewart is. Have you heard of this guy? She said. And I said, yes. And I don't get sucked into extra conversation because I know that can lead nowhere but trouble. So I just went, yes, I know Jon Stewart. And she said, oh, my God, he is funny. I was watching Oprah, he was on Oprah. It's not my sort of thing, but I couldn't believe how funny he is. And I brought the tape so that we could watch it together. Now this is a very bizarre overture.

[B]

This is quite the.

[A]

For my mom.

[B]

Overreach.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, bran muffins are stretch, but bringing a Jon Stewart comedy tape in is intense. That's involves us sitting next to each other in a room that's not passive aggressive.

[D]

It's completely innocent.

[A]

Yes. And she says, oh, God, I think he's so clever. He's just so clever. And he's just going on and on and on and I'm just biting my lip and I don't think my wife Lynette can take it anymore. And she just chimes in and she goes, I don't know if you know this, but Adam is not only friends with Jon Stewart, but they have the same agent. So Adam knows Jon Stewart and is friends with him. Very, very friendly with Jon Stewart. And she paused and she says, said, yeah, he's a little hit and miss.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Not everything is a 10, is what I'm saying. It's not all. It's not all tense. I'm like, wow, you just turned.

[B]

Yeah, the stink.

[A]

Whoa. Mom. What if my wife is lying and I've never met John Stewart? Now you're showered on him because he's friends with your son.

[D]

Wow. How old is your mom now?

[A]

I'd say 81, 82.

[D]

When my mom was around that age, she would say stuff like she'd visit me. And this is around voice. Do you have a spoon? Yeah, we have a spoon. Do you have a strawberry? We don't have any strawberries. We have blueberries, but I like strawberries. So, anyway, that's just an exact look. You have something to look forward to.

[A]

Well. So where'd you grow up and how'd you grow up?

[D]

San Carlos. Like, on the peninsula South.

[B]

Dana, I'm not. Sorry to hijack this, but for one

[D]

second, there was not a lot.

[B]

There were not many more people in my young life who are more influential on me and important to me outside of my own family than Dana Carvey. It's why I got. I'm an SNL geek. I watched every episode for many, many decades. It was because of you. I tuned in early on because of you, your characters, your comedy.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

Did you know you were neighbors?

[B]

Then I found out early.

[A]

I'm like.

[B]

I'm like, in sixth or seventh grade. Wayne's World's just becoming huge. And I'm like, this guy, this awesome guy, he's from San Carlos. He went to Carlan High School just down the street. I'm from San Carlos.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I went to Central Middle School. I. I was all about Dana Carvey.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then you know things. No, you're a huge.

[A]

You're that big an SNL fan.

[B]

And it's because of Dana. Like, I would tune in to see what Dana did that week, and then it became part of the reason why I'm kind of doing. I gravitated towards this whole world because Dana Carvey sparked a lot.

[D]

I'll take it. I can't conceive of that, but I understand. When I first came to la, my

[A]

mom sent me texts. That's a little hit and miss. She said the early years before. Before Carvery, were spot on. And then not the Next year you left, but the year after that it kind of got back on track.

[B]

But to find out.

[D]

To find out.

[A]

My favorite guy in the 60s.

[D]

This explains your drive. This explains the Adam Carolla that is just gonna.

[A]

I, I don't, I don't have a prove it to people thing. I don't.

[D]

Do you have, do you have any. Like I, I would have a hard time watching my own special. Like I can't. Like you have a self critical side. Like when you say that to me, I'll take it and accept it but I can't totally. It's all surreal that I even got on the show.

[B]

I remember talking middle school. So I didn't know anything.

[D]

No, I had a good run there and I was with incredible people. Phil, of course, and Lovett's and Mike.

[A]

Well, let's talk about drive and motivation for a second because I do want to kind of explore that for a second. I'm now thinking about that. First I will tell my audience this. You do not have to drive anywhere. You go online to go to Simplisafe S I M P L I safe this holiday season. Check the home security off your list. Simplisafe having the biggest holiday sale ever. 200 bucks off. That's right. A special holiday security package. Award winning alarm system. 17 security sensors for each door and window, panic button, extra siren, wireless connection. Super easy to do by the way. Just peel and stick with the 3M stuff. The batteries last up to 10 years and the wireless system will connect with the authorities and police dispatch. So you don't have to do anything. Usually at $600. Now it's just 400 bucks. So no long term lock in contracts, installation costs, no hidden fees. Good guys, better company. Get 200 bucks off. Go to simplisafeadam.com that's simplisafeadam.com Again, save the 200 bucks. Use my name. Simply two I's in there. Simply safe. Adam.com SimpliSafe.

[D]

That's all I'm going to say.

[A]

Drive. I don't have that. I never got love from mommy and daddy. I'm going to go find it somewhere else. I don't think what I did get is I think I was so marginalized for such a long period of time that I didn't realize I could make a penny in this business or even do anything until I was 30. I was literally picking up garbage on a construction site at 26, you know, and I went, oh my God, I can make movies and I can do documentaries. And I can write books. It was unheard of that anybody from where I grew up, you can't write a book. You can't spell. How are you gonna get on the New York Times president? What do you think? You make a documentary. You're not an artist. You didn't go to nyu. How are you gonna do any? So now for me, it's like, oh, I gotta do it all this year.

[D]

I know. Well, you were an athlete, right? In some ways. Cause I was a runner, and I was pretty good. I ran a 427, but we had other guys on the team. A 417 and a 4 10. And there's a long story to it, but when I was running, you know, at the era I came, I wanted to be Steve Prefontaine, which was the greatest American distance runner. And then there's a given point where that fantasy that you're going to play pro baseball or whatever it is, isn't going to happen. But I still had all this competitiveness. So when I did stand up for the first time and it started to happen for me, I thought, wow, now I'm Steve Miller. Because Steve Miller was the 410 mile. So it was sort of. I don't know if it was to get love rather than, okay, I can do this. I can't dunk a basketball. But now I can be competitive and win. So that's.

[A]

What did your parents do?

[D]

Dad was a high school teacher for 50 years. San Mateo High School. My mom was a preschool teacher and five kids.

[A]

The Wellington Drive.

[B]

That's right. I've been there many times.

[A]

You know what's weird about Dana? One of the good guys. I don't know why, but there's something about your reputation that's not even your reputation. It's just something that's out ahead of you. And every time Dana Carvey's name comes up, everyone just goes, oh, nice guy. Super, super nice guy. You don't get any. Well, he'll be a little. But catch him on a good day.

[C]

Dana's Dana.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, might be slightly dysfunctional.

[A]

Normal. Real normal for comedy.

[D]

All my madness is just right in here. I'm. You know, I have a lot of neuroses. My kids. I got two sons that are in their early 20s now, but when they were like, 14 or 15, they. They got me a little book for my birthday. It said, worst case scenario, like how to survive a bumblebee attack. I mean, I worry a lot. I have a terrible fear of flying. I may be overly empathetic like right now, part of me is thinking, I hope this is going well for you guys. And I mean, I don't know whether that's like neuroses or whether I'm nice.

[A]

Well, there's a ice.

[D]

Kind of has a weird connotation, doesn't it?

[A]

Well, neuroses is like paprika. Like a dusting of it is good. Like a pleaser. Being a pleaser to a certain extent is no good because you don't want to see this movie, but you agree to go, or you agree to go eat Thai food, but you're allergic to Thai food, but you're a pleaser. And then you resent the person or you have gas or whatever it is.

[D]

I've done that in my life.

[A]

Life.

[D]

But I was aware at some point that I had a lot of anger and I was passive aggressive. And, you know, I'm in therapy now.

[A]

Believe it or not, at this age, being. Being the pleaser, it comes back to haunt whoever you're pleasing because you end up paying with a little interest and

[D]

penalties on it because it's a dysfunctional way to be.

[A]

You get your way, which is, I want Thai food. You in the mood for Thai food? Not really, but I'll go because you want to go. And then you've got. And later on you'll be punished through whatever modality.

[D]

I mean, in my professional life, so to speak, I was able to stand up for myself when I needed to. I wasn't so pleasing. Like, oh, you do this sketch, you know.

[A]

Right.

[D]

But in my personal life, and what happened to me and others is just being very tight with my brothers and sisters. And then all of a sudden I was famous and getting very wealthy. Where I could make it one night where my brother, we shared the bunk bed like one of my very best friends to this day. It would take him four years to earn that. So that's just been a very weird. Gay prostitute.

[A]

Doesn't pay what it used to, that's for damn sure.

[D]

Why'd you get gay prostitute?

[A]

Well, you gotta work. I'm not judging him. I'm just saying. I'm making a comment.

[D]

Regular money, you know, Regular money, I think.

[A]

Yeah. During the day. And then the street lights would come on and you have to make some extra strange. Do what you got to do. I'm not.

[D]

Again, I thought this was the clean show. I thought this was the one where we're not gonna.

[A]

So.

[D]

But anyway. So there's all these different things about me that maybe are underneath the surface

[A]

of nice Guy, I got a quick question before Gina.

[D]

Does that seem nice?

[A]

It's at the tip of my tongue. I met Mike Myers, I think, once. He strikes me as a genius, but it just strikes me as sort of a little bizarre or different or so. I'm not trying to say something in a negative way, but I remember he's

[D]

very eccentric and very to himself. He always was just, you know, he's kind of European and Canadian in a way, and his parents from Liverpool. He was a child star in Canada. Oh, he was, yeah. And sort of a wonderkind.

[A]

I mean, do you stay in touch? Is it hard to keep up with guys that sort of just. I don't know, I feel like there's some people that slough off and it's kind of their doing. And then people say to you, like, hey, you keeping up with them? And it's. It's like, no, but that's because they kind of fell off a little bit or they go. They're kind of solo acts or whatever it is.

[D]

Some people have more layers to get through. Mike changes his email a lot. I don't know, like, if he has security issues, so. But when we do email. When I saw him on the 40th, we did a sketch together and it was fine. I mean, I'm friendly. The ones who came in originally, Dennis Miller, I talked to pretty regularly, Kevin Nealon, all the time, John Lovitz. Those are kind of the three. It is like, you know, it's a weird thing to have happen and share with people because it's, you know.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sorry, can I understand that geeky fan question?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I think one of my all time favorite sketches of all of SNL and you happen to be in it was massive head wound Harry.

[C]

Oh, my God, Gary.

[B]

You can probably find a still of this. Probably not good. It's such a visual gag that it's

[A]

not good for the video.

[B]

But the idea, remember this sketch, Adam? The idea for the people listening is a guy shows up at a dinner, a cocktail party. He has a massive head wound open, gaping wound, gaping, seeping wound. And everyone. Phil Hartman does a great double take. Hey. Freaks out. And then at one point he's like, I'm just gonna lie on your couch. He lies on the couch and he's getting the blood everywhere. And then brilliantly, a dog comes out. A dog comes out and starts licking it. Licking it. And of course, my question is, what did the prop department make that out of? Because at one point the dog starts to chew on it and tug on it and Dana has the wherewithal to hold it in place. And then he hits it. There's someone gets the dog away. He drops the greatest line in SNL history. He probably smells my dog.

[D]

Right. Well, that whatever they put on it was like baby food or meat flavored

[A]

stuff, and dog is holding it in place.

[D]

Yeah, Well, I had a choice, you know, when I first got on the show, Lauren Michaels didn't want anyone to break. That's Carol Burnett. So I felt that the sketch.

[A]

Meaning no laughing.

[D]

Well, the sketch was going so well that I had a choice. Like, I know the crowd would have went crazy if the dog had ripped my head off, but I decided at the moment that the sketch was so good anyway to hold it so that that's what happened.

[B]

And you played it so straight and

[D]

just play it straight.

[B]

So great.

[A]

We got. Wait, Gina, did you ask your question?

[C]

No. You know, you do all these wonderful characters and, you know, I know you still do so many of them and are so great about that. I feel like a lot of comics and actors who are famous for one or two or a handful of things say, oh, thank you, I appreciate it. I don't do that anymore, but thank you very much. So are there any characters you feel like that about or you just. This is part of your family and this is what you do?

[D]

Oh, yeah, I don't. I, you know, I want to see Hotel California. If I see the Eagles, I mean it. It's a great problem to have, but I don't. I try to do new stuff, but if I do an hour stand up, I'll do a little of church. She's great. If I'm heckled. It's the ultimate. Oh, yeah, well, we like to drink liquor and, you know, that kind of thing, so. But I don't mind. But I don't want to lean on them, so. But yeah, I know that I'll never. I'll be remembered for those characters because, you know, they were on televised.

[A]

Well, speaking of that, Cameron's got a question from Chicago.

[D]

Oh, this is cool.

[A]

Cameron.

[D]

Hey, gang, how's it going?

[A]

Got a question for Garth. I do.

[F]

Hey, Garth, what are your thoughts on the 2017 rock and roll hall of Fame nominees this year?

[D]

Did Aerosmith get in?

[A]

I think they're turning in Europe right now.

[D]

I think the main person that they forgot up there is Todd Rundgren. That's the one I'm really waiting for.

[A]

Hello, it's Garth. I thought about as far as.

[D]

But seriously, Todd Rundgren is not in the Rock and Roll hall of Fame

[A]

just for raising Taylor Aerosmith. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. The daughter.

[D]

The daughter. Liv Tyler.

[A]

Liv Tyler. Yes. Yes. He raised her right.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just for that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He should be in.

[D]

Yeah. Herman of Minkalo. Oh, those are the ones. Those are all those nominees. Yeah, all nominees. Okay.

[A]

Well, Jam, how do you feel about Journey?

[F]

Should Journey be in?

[D]

I suppose. I mean, aren't they the biggest band?

[A]

You gotta notice, Garth, come on.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah, they should. Journey should be in. Because everyone likes to take a Journey, so why wouldn't Journey be in? No one wants to be a Depeche Mode. That mode doesn't get things done. Swing party on. Hey, I can do Garth on radio and no one knows he's not here.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

You can't believe who just joined us. Yeah, I think it's fun. I like Adam and Carolla.

[A]

All right, I'm going to talk to. Let's see. Let's hop up the line. One here. Talk to John, 43, Portland. John. Oh, by the way, sorry. Somebody sent me a tweet the other day and it said, why do you say the ages? And I say it because I do complain, like, oh, traffic and weather and news and traffic and weather and all this great crap. You're wasting everyone's time. But when we did Loveline, I'd always say that the name. Because if somebody said, you know, I'm a virgin and my boyfriend wants to deflower me, and you're 37, well, that's a totally different context than 15 or 16. And so give me your. But by the same token, like when people say, hey, I'm single, or I'm living at home or whatever, knowing your age factors in heavily into whatever advice or whatever mosaic I'm painting of you right now. So I like your question and your age do kind of factor in as far as the calling from Portland or wherever you are. That's just us jerking off into a ceiling fan, but go ahead.

[F]

So I first of all, love the show. You guys are awesome. I've listened to Adam for decades and Gina and bald. Thank you. You guys make my commute. I got a long commute every day, and you guys make it awesome.

[C]

Thank you. I'm sorry. I was an outburst first.

[A]

Thank you, John.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, Dana, I.

[F]

This is a big deal for me. I'm kind of in the Brian camp of nerding out. I played the church lady when I was in high school for skits and things.

[D]

I'm wearing the dress right now.

[B]

Excellent.

[D]

Excellent.

[F]

But you know, both of you guys are super funny. And the question is, how do you know? Like, is there, like, when you hit comedy goals? How do you know when it's. When you've kind of onto something that's funny.

[B]

Let you know what happens.

[A]

I think for Dana, I gotta believe it's a little more concrete because he can do these great impressions and come up with these great characters. And I don't know if you knew Church lady was gonna be good before you did it.

[D]

I did it in the clubs. It was originally almost like a Jim Gaffigan alter ego. Like, I'd go on stage and at the time, I looked so young, I would say, yeah, there's probably people out there now going, wow, wow, wow. They let children into the theater. And so that attitude evolved. So by the time it on snl, I knew where all the rhythms were. Although still, it was shocking the first night. I went, well, isn't that special? And went. Because it's not a funny line in particular, you know.

[A]

Well, I think that's the key with any sort of catchphrase. It's just. There's nothing funny about Here Comes the Judge either or get her Done or any of that stuff. But it just.

[D]

Well, I know what you mean.

[A]

If it was funny, then it wouldn't be your sort of catchphrase, because catchphrases aren't funny. They're jokes, they're punchlines or whatever it is.

[D]

That's the ultimate condescending dismissal.

[A]

What did you. What did you audition with now? What did you have going into snl?

[D]

I had. I had chopping broccoli, which I know is absurd. I just did it once. Derek Stevens.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I did one sketch on there with Derek Stevens where the record company comes in and tells him he has to die.

[B]

Take his own Death to die charts

[D]

with Jim Morrison and Hendrix. They record sales. But I. And it was. But I don't want to die. And it just. It died in the studio because it was so heavy. I had Church lady in my pocket. Not. Not as a fully formed. I did. I never wore the dress. It was just a character. Had a bunch of impressions. My go to was Jimmy Stewart, Robin Leach. This goes back to 86. Probably did Casey Kasem. I didn't have that much. I mean, the show really helped me develop more stuff.

[C]

Isn't that when you had George H.W. or was that too.

[D]

That was later. That took a year to learn how to make that Mr. President, George Bush Sr. Funny. It took a year. It did. Because he was so There was nothing there after. Reagan was bumbling, foolish.

[A]

I gotta believe that if you're doing an audition and you can do the current president better deliver, that's going to help a lot.

[D]

But that was Reagan during those times.

[A]

I want to. Can you just walk us through the actual process? It seems to be a little different for everybody, but like, first off, who gave you the nod in the first place? How did you.

[D]

Well, I'd auditioned a couple times and I actually followed Kenison once at the Comedy Store at midnight after 20 comics. And I just bombed. And so then when it came around again in 86, I didn't want to go to the Comedy Store. Improv with the cattle call of comedians, right? So there was a hundred seat club on the west side called Igbees. And so I wanted Lorne Michaels to see me there. And Rosie o' Donnell was headlining that club. So they asked her if I could come in and do like a regular set, like 35, 40 minutes. So she said yes. So I was scared out of my mind. And I was there. And Lauren came in with the head of the network at the time, Brandon Tartikoff, NBC and Cher, and now the comedy stylings of Dana Garney. So just. I was 31. I've been 10 years of stand up. Everything I ever did had failed except club work. And I was thinking, this is it, you know, And I did well enough to basically get the show from that. And then I lived at Lorne Michaels house during the month of August.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. Lorne said, you come out, you stay. And I didn't know. I thought everyone did. I show up in Lorne Michaels house, just me, him and a Whitney Brown. And we're just at Lorne Michaels house in August. In July, besides doing the clubs, I played a pizza parlor in Martinez, California. Played to four people. Now I'm at Lorne Michaels house. I've never done sketch comedy. And I'm starting the show October 8th and I'm gonna be on Saturday Night Live. And. And the way the show wound up, the church lady was moved up, all these pieces were moved around. And my manager came into the dressing room at the time. He talked like this. He goes, I don't know why it is, but it's your show. I don't know why. And I didn't even know I was in the cold opening. I kept in regular sketches, I would look toward the audience when I got a laugh, like a standup. And so that's how it happened.

[A]

Wow, that's so bizarre. Well, everything I Mean, there's no straight line to snl that's gonna be. Been there, done that, heard that one.

[D]

It was only unique in that we were the last cast where it was so small. And after that, Lorne always had rotating junior varsity. I mean, our junior varsity was Chris Rock Farley, Sandler Spade and Dennis Miller would go in their dressing room and just dissect him. And they loved it. They go, come on, do it again. Christ's sakes, Farley. Country not buying the fatty guy. Then he'd go over to Sandler. They don't get this. Okay, Sandy? You know, and they loved it. They were laughing, Chris Rock. Sorry, it's not happening. There's no second Eddie here. And it was so, so funny. And they loved it. They loved Dennis doing it. They just.

[B]

Come on, Dennis.

[A]

God, he's such a brilliant guy. God.

[D]

Crazy mind.

[A]

Yeah, Crazy brilliant mind. All right, hold tight. Let me see.

[D]

He says nice things about you, too.

[A]

I'm a fan of that guy, always have been. And I think he's the one. It's kind of. Well, I'll tell you, like, if you ever do something. Well, okay, this is self serving, but.

[B]

But.

[A]

So I did the. I have a documentary that came out Yesterday called the 24 Hour War. And then I had another one about Paul Newman's racing career.

[D]

I might have seen that one.

[A]

If not, I'll make sure to see it. It's on Amazon Prime, I think.

[D]

I think I did see that. I think I did see it.

[E]

I loved it.

[A]

And at the end of the movie, and we had everybody. It was like Mario Andretti, champion racer and this, that and that, whatever. And I said, you know, at the end when Paul's. After he's dead, we should show picture of him sitting in the car. And then we should have Paul Newman driver. And it should. And then when the other things fade away, the driver should just like stay there for an extra like three seconds or something. I was sort of designing this thing to try to. Gary, I don't know if you got. You can find the end of that movie somewhere. Yeah, I got it. Right. I'll show you what I meant. I'll tell you. I.

[D]

But.

[A]

And then I'll tell you the Dennis Miller thing first, let's say about the rich uncles. A lot of uncertainty in the country right now. Well, that is true. Your retirement portfolio, how's that going? The stock market? I don't know. It's time to diversify. What did I do? What do we do? We use Rich Uncles. Richuncles.com, they're REIT R E I T Real Estate Investment trust. They own commercial property, collect and rent the rent from credit worthy tenants and then you pay you in cash. Monthly it is around 7%, a little over 7% which is pretty damn good considering I think a T bill is like half a percent or less or something insane. Anyway, ideal for IRAs. Great way to diversify your investment portfolio and add some steady income. Featured in the Wall Street Journal. You can see the article by the way if you want to read it. The Wall Street Journal. What better periodical to read than the Wall Street Journal? Richuncles.com so go there, read the article and then see if it makes sense for you. It is Rich uncles. They're REIT R E I T again a Reggae Tier 2 offering. Richuncles.com or give them a call. 855 Rich Uncles.

[B]

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[A]

Gary's downloading this thing from the cloud, which I'll show you, but Miller saw the movie and he wrote me a very long wonderful email.

[D]

Which one?

[A]

The Newman documentary. And then at the end he said and you held on Driver at the end and starts explaining how he sort of choked up a little. But he picked out the thing that I spent a bunch of time picking out that I didn't think anyone would really notice or speak about. Maybe subconsciously it brings some feeling up in them but he tapped right into it and was specific about it. I thought in a self aggrandizing way. That guy's smart.

[D]

Dennis is a very sentimental. He's a seriously sensitive instrument. You know, he feels things a lot, especially a very. He's around his sons, he's pretty, you know we both our childhoods were a little challenging, so to speak.

[A]

So what was challenging about your upbringing? I mean you had five. The brothers. He had a lot of brothers and sisters.

[D]

Yeah, brothers and sister. Just my father was very intense. Just he would throw violent tantrums. We had corporate punishment. Yeah. Graphic your belts and things and really

[A]

was it from hanging around kids all day?

[D]

No, he was, he was given up at birth. He was an orphan and wandered all around rural Montana in the 20s and 30s. At one point, he was. His dad came to get him and he lived in Seattle. His dad got in a fight on the docks, and he. He was hiding under a stairwell.

[A]

And so he was traumatized.

[D]

He was traumatized, and he. He didn't. Yeah, he was a very troubled man.

[B]

So.

[A]

Well, thank God, he.

[D]

He.

[A]

He molded youth for 50 years. Well, we drive a truck. He doesn't be out of town that way, at least.

[D]

Yeah, well, school te.

[A]

Like, you know, when I, When I. When you said mom taught and dad taught. We come from the. The Bay area. What? I was like, okay, super crunchy dad.

[C]

We know the type.

[A]

Yeah. Like Lieutenant Day. But here's the thing. And we should all hate our parents. And I'll tell you why. My parents were fairly horrible, and their parents were horrible. Both my parents come from horrible environments, and thus me and my sister come from a fairly horrible environment. I love the bejesus out of my kids, and I tell them on a daily basis. I wouldn't call it overcompensating. It's just. I got a couple of great kids. Why not give them a kid? And the idea of hitting my son without being playful, like literally striking my son or my daughter feels insane and foreign.

[C]

Totally different than coming within a millimeter of his face and telling him not to move.

[A]

We have that. Okay, well, he made.

[D]

He would snap the belt to terrorize you, and then he gathers all around how many. You know. Yeah.

[B]

Psychological torment.

[D]

The only thing you can say for everything you get, you give up and vice versa. So what it may. I was just used to being traumatized and in pain. So I go into stand up comedy and distance. Running like this feels familiar. I mean, I think that if you make the childhood too fantastical, what's happened with the millennials, it's a little tough. I know it's being talked about all over the place, but it really is. The boomers, did we did a number on them?

[A]

No, I.

[D]

We did a number on you guys.

[A]

I can't. It's so bizarre to me to have my kids fear me. That's a weird. I want them to respect me through actions and work and other achievements, but I don't want them to ever be scared.

[D]

I didn't want them to be scared in our house. I loved that all the neighborhood kids would come to our house.

[A]

But why would your dad. I mean, it's just one of those things that. I know maybe it's vexing, but why? I know your dad had a lot of trauma. That's fine. A lot of people have had a lot of trauma. Why do we need to. Then knowing firsthand how horrible that is, we need to inflict that upon our offspring.

[C]

I know some therapists refer to it as miserable familiarity. So it's what, you know, we gravitate toward what we're familiar with, and that's as far as it goes.

[D]

The problem that you have as a child of a rough childhood is that my father could control his temper and his emotions at work, and then he'd come home and unload. So that was like, well, how? Well, then where does his culpability. I don't know.

[A]

How long. Is he still alive?

[D]

No, both went to Jesus.

[A]

And how long did he get to experience all of your success?

[D]

My mom and dad. I mean, and my mom, she was very. She grew up wealthy and then married. My dad had no money, so they. They really. I had a sense of wanting to take care of everybody anyway. And so when I got money, I started just passing it out, especially to my parents. And then it got crazy toward the last 15, 20 years that everything was about, can we get more money, to be honest. Everything.

[A]

When did they pass my dad?

[D]

About eight months ago. My mom, maybe four years ago. But he was 92 and just died in his sleep. It was no one. You know what I mean? It wasn't.

[A]

Yeah, I get it. I'm sort of that way with people, which is if someone makes it to their 90th birthday and beyond, that's a pretty good run. But as far as the money goes, I'll show you this Newman thing real quick, which Gary just pulled up as a human being represented Paul Newman. I consider myself lucky Paul's brother.

[D]

I did see this better.

[A]

I had Paul for a brother. He couldn't say that. Yeah. So Miller just tapped right into that, which I was happy about.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Strong visual there. Let's talk about. So, okay, so experienced this to some degree, which is. No, there's just kind of this weird thing, relationship that you have with people, which is everything becomes normal and becomes. Even at a certain point. So if you have a roommate and you cook the lasagna and you scrub the pan and you make the table and then you bust the dishes and clean it. That sounds like you're doing all the work at the end of one week of doing that, that's now the water level of the relationship. That's the normal. That's the standard. That's called Tuesday. And if you start deviating from that or you start saying, look, I'm making a lasagna but do I have to go to the market, clean the pan and scrub the thing? They'll go, yeah, that's the way it's done. We're at our sort of. We're sort of. That's the bubble. And the level of life is in between the two lines. Even though the level is way off plumb way off level, it's tilting hard left in their mind. That bubble's just right in the middle. So if you give your sibling. I paid for their. My dad leased them luxury cars and paid for my daughter's kids. I mean, sorry. My wife's kids. You know, school. Private sister school.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All our. Whatever extended family. Whatever.

[D]

Whatever it is, it just compounding.

[A]

It just is. Yeah, it just is. Like you don't get a special card for. For Christmas or anything. It's just that's where we're at. The bubble is in between their lines. Not lifelines. The life, the. The levels all over the road. But in their mind that's where it is. And then after 10 years of. Of leasing Mercedes, you go no more. They go, well what the hell? What's going on here? Why are you being a dick?

[D]

No, once you put that. I started doing just consistent monthly because there was no organization to it. If I had a good year and someone needed a house, I bought him a house. But then why doesn't this person get a house? So I was just teetering along and. But part of me, I don't know if it was guilt or like. Yeah, I mean I kind of wanted to help people make their lives a little better. And even now as my siblings are getting older, I want to make sure that nobody is suffering, you know, that they're okay because it's too bizarre. I got very fortunate. No matter how hard you work. That's why I love Paul Newman.

[A]

By the way.

[D]

I've always quoted him cuz he always deflected the Newman salary. Well, you raised 365. I would have kept the money. He was such a throwback. I, you know, I made. He made fun of. He never once kind of went well. Yeah, I did do a lot. You know, I love that about Paul Newman.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Anyway, sorry, non sequitur.

[A]

No, no, he. After winning, I guess his either second or third national championship. You know, it's like Paul, you've won the national champions. Oh surely Temple would have gotten that car. Well gone like a rocket. It was so well prepared. Like that's what he just got done saying.

[D]

I hate just. It's not in vogue right now in Our culture.

[A]

I love that about. About the man. But do you feel like there was an appreciation for what you did? I. For your family?

[D]

Well, my parents went all the way through, I suppose. It's just that they. My dad.

[A]

Was it expressed to you?

[D]

They just wanted more, to be honest. I mean, my dad, toward the end he found out I was helping out one of his sons. You know, what are you doing giving him money for. We're the parents. We're entitled. So they got distorted because it was so much and it was my own sickness in a way. And it just went on and on and on. But I got him a house. I got him all kinds of stuff.

[A]

See, this is my thing. And this is why you hear me railing against handouts all the time. Like, you know, make your kid breakfast, do that. It's a simple act. It shows them that you care. It doesn't cost any real money. Make them. And everyone's like, why don't you? Why are you so cruel Again, you will turn good people into bad people by just giving them crap. You really will. Now your dad started off as a bad person, but you can take otherwise pretty decent folk, like hardworking regular folk and kind of turn them into soft, bitchy, unappreciative, greedy, whatever, pretty easily.

[B]

Or worse. It'll probably happen. Sounds like it happened with Dana's siblings. Interview family. The envy. But like this guy's getting that.

[A]

Yeah, what's up? My parents were always. To a certain degree, my parents were never money grubbing and always nice. But when my mom found out that I was leasing my dad a luxury car and only, you know, re roofing her house or adding a porch on or doing the bits and pieces for her, she felt gyps.

[B]

Well, that's the envy I'm talking about. Like, why would you do this?

[D]

Well, that's why.

[A]

But it's really. It's turning her into a bad person. It really is.

[D]

That's why you want to organize. And the truth of the matter is, you know, people need money when they're older. I mean, when you're subsidizing a very healthy. No drug addiction, no physical ailments, 28 year old, that's one thing. But if someone's close to 70 and has a bad back, that's when they might. That's where morally. And also if someone has a real problem. But I'm very tight with my siblings. I'm cool with it all. I just. It was such a bizarre rocket that I got on. It was so distortive. I would have needed a really good business manager and a good therapist right at that moment.

[B]

Isn't it?

[D]

Because I felt such guilt?

[A]

Here's what I'm saying. For the person that is paying for the private school or paying for the car, paying the mortgage, or sometimes beyond health care, things of that nature. Could that person get a Christmas card around December, middle of December each year that said, hey, Dana, this your sister? Like, I know it's not much, but thanks for all you do. It means a lot to us and our family. Thank you. There you go. Like literally a buck 29 worth of Hallmark. Like, can they do that? The thing is, they never do that. And the reason they never do that is because it's an admittance of sort of guilt. It's acknowledgement of I need you. So I'm just gonna pretend like this doesn't exist, right? Well, now ruin my story. Did you get any good, good cards? It just said, hey man, thanks. Really appreciate it.

[D]

Yeah, it's just an upending thing. I mean, when it first started, we'd go home for Thanksgiving dinner, the refrigerator with all the kids pictures. And as the years went by and I got more popular and got more money, there'd be more pictures of me on the refrigerator.

[C]

That's how it's done.

[D]

And I say, mom, what are you doing? But it's all kind of happened now. I'm out the other side. I have a business manager, I have a therapist with my wife, and I'm helping where I can, but in a very considered way. So, you know, I also saved a lot of money because I grew up poor and I never wanted to go on bended knee back to my father, right. So I saved a lot.

[A]

So geez, Yeah, I love it. I love that everyone's miserable.

[B]

On a footnote, isn't San Carlos a bizarre place? You can grow up with relatively low means, and now it's still part of Silicon Valley.

[D]

My house, the family homes dad was probably 1500 square feet. It's, it's well over. It's like close to 2 million now. My parents bought it for 24,9. It sat there for a year. They couldn't unload it in 1960. You want 24,000 for this house? You out of your mind? Get out of here.

[B]

My parents bought their place in 87 for 250,000 at the time. And my mom's dad was like, you guys just bought a quarter million dollar fixer upper and they just sold it for 1000.

[D]

Modest house.

[B]

I mean, this is not a mansion

[D]

by any Stretch to imagine those people, their equity.

[A]

Mom's house was $10,000 in like 1951 in Valley Village. Sold for like 675. So they could bulldoze it. Yeah, I don't want to be a 1 upper, but they bulldozed my house. It's a small patch.

[D]

Where's our equity? Where's our 40 times the value of the house that we bought? What happened?

[A]

I don't know. It's crazy. It's all sort of crazy.

[D]

Roll, do you want me to read this or anything? Is Donald Trump. What do you want me to do here?

[A]

I'll tell you. Just. Just back me up. Lifelock, Donald. You need identity theft. That's a big problem.

[D]

People steal it. There's many Donald Trumps.

[E]

There's only one.

[A]

That's right. That's right. You got Baldwin stealing your juju out there. Holiday shopping. You're online. You're shopping. You're buying all those gifts online. Your identity's out there. You have to protect it. Identity theft is America's. America's fastest growing crime. I've got Lifelock. My kids have it, my wife has it. It scans hundreds of millions of transactions a second. So if you got a problem, their US based agents will fix it. They'll fix it fast. But you're not going to have a problem. You got Lifelock. Look, no one can prevent all identity theft or minor. All transactions, all business. But Lifelock is the best identity theft protection available. It is Lifelock. Dog it. Join right now for a special 15 discount. Go to lifelock.com or call 1-800-lifelock. Use promo code Adam15. That's Adam15 to save 15% hack now. Offer ends December 31st. Call 1-800-lifelock. 1-800-lifelock. Use promo code Adam15. Oh, well, speaking of Christmas coming up, a new limited edition release and a new design. Don't do your best. Do my best. That's my favorite saying. T shirts available today, I think.

[D]

Did everyone else have a good childhood here? I feel like I'm dominating. Pretty good.

[A]

Brian's was good.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Gina's is pretty good.

[C]

Good relationship with my parents.

[D]

Yeah, leave it at that. I was just.

[A]

Free range. I didn't.

[B]

Mine was good. Because of Dana Carvey. Same.

[A]

Geez, I like to think my dad would have beaten me if he'd had the energy.

[D]

Well, you know, when you. In all fairness, when you look back on it, my dad did get me a drum set when I was 14. I asked for a lot of years.

[A]

Oh, my God. No.

[D]

No one I know. Well, he got it half off at Bruce Stewart's Music.

[A]

No, I'm still.

[C]

No, it doesn't help.

[A]

I was talking to Maria Menounos an hour and a half ago.

[D]

I know her.

[A]

She's lovely. I did her show once, and I was saying, you know, a sense of humor. You know, people don't. Oh, no. You know what I was talking about? I was talking about being a wrencher. I like mechanical stuff. I like doing stuff. And everyone goes, oh, that's nice. Where'd you learn that? It's like it was just in me. It's in me. It's always been. What, your dad was a mechanic? No, it's in me. And I said, look, no one asked. You know, when you talk to Tommy Lean, you go, you got to start drumming. How'd that go? And I go, I was 6, and I was banging on pots and pans. And that's what happened. Like, the next year, I got a drum kit, and I never got off it. And I said, I was that kid, but with mechanics. And I never got the drum kit. That's different. But now Dana Carvey, who had the worst childhood in the world, got the drum kit.

[D]

I had a Hardy Boys book. Was my snare drum. You want to hear quick?

[E]

True story?

[D]

So I was a big shoplifter because we were really poor. So we'd go down Laurel Avenue in San Carlos, and I would steal. Steal stuff from Laurel, the music store there. I stole these drumsticks on a regular basis.

[B]

Rod's records.

[D]

Well, years later, I was. This is so Hollywood. But I was at the Four Seasons in the bar, and the Grateful Dead were there, and Mickey Hart, the drummer, we were talking, and he said that he had owned a music store in San Carlos to go on Laurel Avenue, new. And he goes, yeah, that was his place. So I gave him 10 bucks. They were cheap back then. Yeah.

[A]

Yes. The special. Straight white male, 60. Absolutely fabulous, super funny. It's available now on Netflix and the. Also coming up, if you want to send him a tweet, it's Dana Carvey.

[D]

I do any character. If you want, I'll be a human jukebox. Yeah.

[A]

Comedy Showcase, Sunday, December 4th. And it's going through the 18th. Where's that at?

[D]

That I go to the west side to try out material. It's only got 50 seats in it. I can't believe it's out.

[A]

You want to see Dana, you better get there early.

[D]

It's 10 bucks. And it's just me making up stuff

[A]

and my sons the 24 Hour War, available on iTunes and chassis 2S's and a Y if you like. And Corolla drinks for the holidays and all that good stuff. Order all that stuff now. And until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dana Carvey and Gina Grant and Ball Brian saying mahalo.

[D]

Donde esta la bibliotheca?

[B]

All right, that was Adam Carolla Show 1957. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 1985. Jay Moore, David Wilde, Gina Griffin grad. And Brian Bishop from 2017.

[A]

Check it out. Good day, Gina Grad.

[C]

Good day to you.

[A]

Handball. Brian.

[B]

Tessa has her first fever.

[C]

Oh, I thought you were being a little bitch.

[B]

Tessa has her first fever. Well, I am being a little bitch because I had to take her out of daycare today. They wouldn't take her. They said take her home. She's hot.

[C]

Poor thing.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Well, they got exposed kids to it.

[B]

To kids who have fevers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think you do.

[A]

Oh, yeah, man. Dr. C in the built character. That's right. David Wilde is here. He'll tell you about the boogie woogie fever.

[G]

Happy, happy. Hashtag golden shower gate to everyone.

[A]

Special day, the show, by the way, it's a Comedy Central show, Comedy Jam. And they're doing a live taping tonight.

[G]

Tonight. And if you. Yes, if you want to go to the Comedy Jam, tickets.com. i'm going to double check that. You can be there for free. Get some tickets. Tickets. It's going to be. We've had amazing people. Like it's comedians and actors singing and then sometimes they're joined by people. So we've had like Natalie Mains, your former flame. Yeah, she came up and sang with one of our comedians. Richie Sambora came and jammed. And then I think, yeah, for tonight you could see everyone from like Jay Farrow. He's gonna have a really cool guest. Busy Phillips. Some really cool, cool people.

[A]

I love Busy Phillips. Malin Aukerman, I love that name.

[G]

She's super cool. I just worked with dealt with her yesterday.

[A]

And Busy's name Busy because she was a busy kid.

[D]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

I just like when you just get named what you are. Fuck you. Is that Busy?

[B]

It's busy.

[A]

I been busy. And speaking of kids, so we had Scott Carney on and he had the book what doesn't kill you. And he was talking kill us, by the way. And he was talking all about the cold water plunge. The cold plunge. And I said, well, I got a pool in my backyard. It's probably about 52, 53 degrees. So I could go do it. He said, well, go do it. And I said, all right. Cause it's been an ongoing thing. We've been talking about all the sort of peanut allergies and all the safe spaces and all the warnings and wrap every kid in bubble wrap and all. Mainly for me, it all distills down to Purell, like this notion that they hand out Purell everywhere and wherever you go. And everyone's supposed to use Purell all the time and everyone's washing all the time. And I've always said, I think this is weak, weakening our systems here. And I got a tweet today from a guy who said his dad taught in public school for 30 years. And he said, from 1960 to 1990. And he said, in those 30 years, he had one kid who was allergic to peanuts from 1960 to 1990. Now, you could imagine putting together 30 years from 2000 to 20, 30, with one kid. I said, how could we have physiologically, psychologically change this much? So anyway, I'm with Scott. And Scott was saying, well, go take that cold water plunge. And I was like, I literally look out into my backyard and have nightmares about being drunk and falling into the pool and being like a guy fell off a crab boat, just waiting and flapping. Well, eventually that would give way to just a dead man's float. And so I got home yesterday and it gets dark about five and it's been raining and it's been as cold as it gets out here, which is not. Don't give me folks calling in from Minnesota, but it's never 52 degrees during the daytime.

[B]

It's LA cold.

[A]

It's LA cold. It'S wet steam coming out of your mouth.

[G]

As opposed to LA hot, which is a description of a hot chick, right?

[A]

Yeah. It also feels like an 80s kind of bar that had an outdoor seating area.

[B]

Failed Stephen Bosch hot.

[A]

So two T's. I said. I said, all right, I'm gonna try this. So I got home and it was like four o'. Clock. And I said, I'm getting my swim trunks and I'm going in that pool. And then I said to my son, you want in? Go ahead, Brian.

[B]

Sorry, buddy.

[C]

It wasn't a waste of his time.

[A]

Sonny doesn't get into the pool.

[B]

He didn't get the words out.

[A]

I spent the 4th of July Flo pool yelling at Sonny, get in the goddamn pool. I didn't build this pool for me to float around in solo. And he's like, I'm good. That's on the fourth of July. So I can only imagine. But for some reason, something's going on with him. That's good. And he said, yeah, I'll give it a try. And I said, all right. And he showed up in his trunks with his long sleeve T shirt on. I don't know why kids have to wear shirts in the pool now. And. And it was presumably because it was freezing outside. And his goggles, which is funny. And I said, he's a cautious boy.

[D]

All right.

[A]

I said, now I'm gonna go get in. So I gave my phone to my nanny, Olga, and I said, you need to take a picture. Because I told everybody I'd take a picture of me in the pool. Gary will show the picture. The pool water is 52 degrees and it was cold. But I will say, just like Scott had predicted, what happens is you have the photographs, right, Gary? Yeah, sorry, my QuickTime crashed. It's right here.

[C]

He's doing video.

[A]

I think you've named your brain quicktime.

[B]

Not so quick.

[A]

It turns out the pool was freezing. But I must say, when you get into the pool, you have this initial sensation of. Of shock.

[B]

What have I done?

[A]

What have I done? And then as you start to kind of regulate your breathing, you have this warmth come over you.

[G]

Then death, Then death.

[C]

Sweet embrace of death.

[A]

Yes, I talked to my nana. And then nothing. I remember nothing after that.

[C]

Did it make a huge difference after you put your head underneath of regulating

[A]

for guys, it's the balls, okay? But I found myself at a certain point going, I'm just gonna sit here and I'm gonna just try to regulate. And all of a sudden my body started to even out. I did not feel the cold. I just felt this sort of kind of a warmth mixed with little spikes of uncomfortable, but not bad. And sat in there for about five minutes. And when I got out, I found myself standing now in a sort of misty rain at about 52 degrees outside with steam coming off me. Warm, just warm, just like you said you would. And soaking shorts, just feeling hot. My body was red.

[C]

I felt warm and metabolizing like a mofo.

[A]

I was like, here we go. And I felt great. And I got up this morning and I dunked myself at 8:15 in the morning. It was freezing, it was raining. I baptized myself. But the funny part, there's two parts of this that were funny. Now my son has stepped onto the Baja Shelf. That's a place they say for kids to wait, but it's really for adults to drink. It's about an 8 by 8 square. It's about a foot deep. And it's a way you can drink in the pool without drowning. And it's awesome. And my son stepped onto that, got the water up to the bottom of his knees, and then he stepped down to the first step and got the water sort of mid thigh. And I think he went, fuck this. So I was like, yeah, that's the way I would feel too, because it's kind of this thing. And I'll tell Gary when to stop it. The thing that was funny is, well, first off, there's two things.

[C]

Natalia's an Uggs.

[B]

Natalia is.

[A]

You can stop it there for a second. There's a couple things going on. First off, it's the only time I've ever had Philly cheesesteak look at me. Like, this guy's nuts. Like, normally Phil is dry humping a sofa pillow while devouring a bathrobe. And I gotta come in and go, are you nuts? Get off of that. But he was looking at me in the pool going, what the fuck? Like, I'm a water dog. I want no part of this. He went in once, just sort of on a whim, just because I pulled the COVID off a few weeks ago. And he was like, oh, open water, man. And he doesn't get the whole heating part. And he just went in and went, uh, oh, getting out now. Getting out.

[D]

So.

[A]

So I'm floating around the pool and Phil's like doing this weird move where he's putting one paw in and he's looking at me, which is great. It's a great POV if you're in the pool, because he's all jowl when he's up top and he's just going, I want in.

[B]

But he's not winning out.

[A]

What are you crazy? What are you doing in there?

[C]

Oh, there he is.

[B]

Look at Phil.

[A]

He's too cold.

[G]

She's worried about the dog.

[A]

Believe me, something happens that it all goes away. That's what happens.

[B]

Did you jump in or did you let yourself in?

[A]

I walked in slowly. I walked in slowly because I did not want to burst a vessel in my forehead.

[G]

Did you have a bigger or smaller pool in your childhood estate?

[A]

Well, what size is Olympic, technically?

[B]

And which weight are big by some people?

[A]

I had this great trifecta of pain, which is the house that I grew up in had one neighbor with an above ground pool, but those always go away. And then there was one person that put in another pool, and we got to play around in that pool. But the worst thing I ever had was the dad's house where I used to sit in a sweat lodge called a garage for my bedroom, with no air and no heat, no anything. And during the dog days of summer and, like, in July, just be brutal. Like, you ever walk out of your house and walk into your garage and go, oh, my God, it's burning in here.

[G]

Freezing.

[A]

It's either so much colder or so much hotter because there's no insulation and there's no roof and there's an attic and everything and whatever. I lived in this house, in this garage, which is, like, in the backyard. There was a pool 12ft to my left. That was the one neighbor pool. 14ft behind me was the second pool, and 22ft to the right was the third pool. So I had this crown, this halo of pools around me. And I'd just be laying my bed like Pepillon when he was in the infirmary with the fan going and the gay guy putting the flower in my mouth. And I'm laying on my back, and I just hear Marco Polo splashing and sloshing around all day long. And I just lay there just hallucinating because of the heat.

[G]

So when you fly out of Burbank, it's one of these amazing things where you realize, oh, my God, like, because I have the east coast sense where a pool denoted wealth. East, where, like, you drive, you go over Burbank Airport, and you go, oh, my God, there's, like, all these people in shitholes with pools.

[A]

And then it also makes you go, how did I miss pools in every single house my family bought? It seems like statistically, you'd have to land on one pool, wouldn't you? So that's how I grew up. So I put the pool in the back, and Sunny said, I'm with you on this manly experience. I think he wanted to. I think he thought he was going to impress me.

[C]

You put down the carrots.

[A]

That's right. And he said, I'm with you. So he had the goggles and the shirt and everything. I said, all right. So I went and float around the pool for about five, six minutes. And I was like, all right, I've proven everything I need to prove. And I said, I'm getting out. And Sonny was just sort of standing on that first step. And I said, well, Sonny, I'm getting out of the pool. And if you're jumping in, now's the time, because it's raining, and I'm standing here in my shorts and I'm getting out of the pool, and Sonny said, I'm going for it.

[D]

What?

[A]

And he looked at me and he said, pain don't hurt. And I said, I thought you'd be bigger. And then. So he said, pain, hurt. I'm totally prepared for him because he's backed out of every roller coaster and every scooter and go kart and zipline ride in America.

[G]

You raised a Jewish son somehow.

[A]

I did. I did. Minus the study habits, by the way. Like a C minus. C minus. Jewish son in temperament, yes. Not scholastic achievement. So I got the worst of all. I got the worst of all worlds. So I said, and we'll roll the tape. And the thing that you should listen for is listen for Lynette, in case you want to know what I'm against on a daily basis when I say things like, let them walk to the Pinkberry. I'll give them 10 bucks, they can get a frozen yogurt. We live in the safest neighborhood in America. What? Let them go up there. They're not walking on the highway, just walking up the side street to get a Pinkberry. They'll be back.

[B]

Should we take bets on what Lynette's gonna say? I have my money on Sonny.

[A]

No, you'll catch a cold.

[C]

You'll catch your death.

[A]

The funniest thing in the world is I've said 200 times, it's the difference between moms and dads. I just went, look, there's. I have to preface everything with, this isn't my idea, or I didn't. I didn't form the study. I read it from smart people. Because if I do anything that is like, hey, I got a hunch we're done. We're done. My gut's telling me we're done. I have to say, I read online a study out of Yale, and then we might be able to make some progress, But I've said 1 million times, it's interesting because we're talking about Vinny Tortorich. The worst part about fat, it's got the word fat in it. The worst part about catching a cold, it's got the word cold in it. So when you go, you go, don't. I'll go. We're gonna walk to the liquor store. You're gonna catch cold. It's cold outside. You're gonna get cold. You're gonna get the thing. It is outside, and it's gonna get grafted onto you. And I go, there is no correlation between being cold and catching a cold. And it's like you put on five layers and some mukluks because you're gonna catch a cold because it's cold. And it's like. There isn't. You don't catch colds because it's cold. You cannot talk a mom. You will not talk Christy out of the cold equals cold department. So Lynette's standing in the house. Cause it's too cold, which is sad

[G]

because she's the only one I want to see in the pool.

[C]

My guess is he's turning blue.

[A]

You're gonna. No, no. You have to think. You have to factor this in. How does the critique of the old man who built the pool factor in here? What am I. What's my role in this so far? I'm standing just to the left. You can. I'm standing just to the left up on the side of the pool. Sonny has got his back to the house, and he's getting ready.

[B]

He's on that Baja shelf looking ready to jump.

[A]

He stepped off the Baja shelf onto the first step, and I've just given him the, hey, man, I'm heading into the house. So if it's go, it's go, and we'll see what happens. But you gotta listen to Leonardo. No, no, no. Oh, my God, it's 52 degrees.

[C]

Get him out.

[A]

Get him out. Get his towel. Get his towel. Get his towel ready. Put it over him. Put the towel. Goodbye. Seriously? Natalia's laughing her ass off.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I love Lynn so much. I can't.

[B]

That's the sweetest instinct. That is the sweetest instinct.

[A]

I know. Well, the reason he's wearing a long sleeve shirt.

[B]

He jumps in the pool with a

[A]

long sleeve shirt on. Now, keep in mind, I'm standing with no towel, but. All right.

[E]

That was you.

[G]

I thought that was Jake Gyllenhaal.

[A]

Wow. I stood in. In the Fighter. The. The. I was just standing there, and Sonny jumped into the pool, and I was sort of being his towel valet. But when he got out of the pool, he was wearing a sopping wet long sleeve baseball undershirt. And I didn't want to do the whole Toro towel move where I do the full drape around him because he's wearing a wet shirt. I was thinking, we're going to pull the shirt off, and then I'm going to go around him because it didn't make sense to go around him. But I got caught in between because he popped out with the shirt on and then started made a beeline. So I took the towel and threw it over his shoulder.

[B]

I take this with you.

[A]

I was Heavily critiqued, I bet.

[G]

I gotta say, Lynette was very concerned, but it's not like she ran outside and got risk getting wet from the towel she just ordered you to do.

[A]

So. She was wearing suede. Oh, okay. And it was wet.

[B]

If we can see the end of that again.

[A]

Garrett, roll it to a little bit. Roll it. Give us five seconds ahead before he. Give it. Before he jumps in, please watch Sonny's

[B]

for the people at home. Sonny's expression on the way in pure glee. He's just smiling.

[A]

He couldn't be happier he hit the water. It did affect him hard when he hit the water, but I was very proud of the fact that he was standing water up to his mid thigh. And he took the dive. Yes, Gary, I will roll it back for you, but I gave you as much head as I was sent, so I can't really give you more than I already showed you I gave you.

[G]

Can we hear that?

[A]

It's three. Appreciate that. Dude. It's three separate videos. That's why it appears there's more here. But. Oh, I see. The one clip is. I'll start from the beginning. All right, so there's Sonny. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Get him out. Get him out. Get the.

[B]

Look at the smile on his face.

[G]

She's acting like he's at Guantanamo Bay being tortured.

[B]

Keep it going. He's smiling.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Best day in Natalia's life.

[A]

Oh, she. She loved it.

[G]

You and Jimmy never did like the. The Polar Bear Club and, you know, like that, having to join in with the Polar Bear Bear Club.

[A]

We did. Let's see, we went to fertility clinic and had a race. I can tell you that once we went to wrestling camp, which was about as brutal as it got, because you don't realize in wrestling camp, when hillbilly Jack, who's the 400 pound guy with the thyroid issue and the overalls. And there's two kinds of wrestler. There's buff wrestler, and then there's sloppy overall wrestler. When sloppy overall wrestler gets you in the headlock with the multiple side rolls and the huge gunt and the I don't shave my pits kind of, this ain't the tan I'm waxing wrestler. This is the I'm the sloppy hillbilly resident. You don't realize what your head smells like. After that dude gets you in a

[B]

headlock, you want to be headlocked by ravaging Rick Rude.

[D]

Not.

[B]

That's not Jim Duggan.

[G]

Finally, somebody the rock to put me in a headline. When I worked with him, Recently, Yeah.

[A]

You never, never watched the back of your neck again. So Sonny took the sort of polar bear challenge. I was, I was proud of the boy.

[C]

Will this be a daily occurrence?

[A]

I don't think it's gonna be for Sonny. But I've gotta say, I had a very long night the night before. A lot of problem with the septic tank and the sewage smell and the waking up in the middle of the night and all sorts of stuff.

[G]

You should have called Brian and I wanna. We would have come and fixed it.

[A]

I didn't want to put you two journeymen. I know you. I know all you troubleshoot all day long. I used to laugh about this, but it's kind of true. And it's a quicker way to do it, which is the people who go, you come into work and you go like, I need a cup of coffee. I had a long night, or I'm feeling tired or whatever. And they go, I go to the wine, swim 200 laps at 6am every day. And I've never felt more awake. And I've always said, of course you threw yourself in a body of water for an hour. Of course you're awake. If a pier broke and I fell in a lake, I'd be awake too. But I'm not going down to the Y and swim for an hour. But I realized I sort of made this deal with myself. I took my phone out this morning, I got my underpants and I said, look, what are we really talking about here? You're going to walk down, you're going to submerge yourself. I said, I got one Graham Parker. So song worth of submerging. I walked out to the thing, I set my phone down, I put the Graham Parker song on.

[G]

What song?

[A]

And I went, don't bury the leaf.

[G]

Oh, stupid faction.

[A]

No, it's actually interesting and it's. It just happened to be at the top of my playlist. Paralyzed. Ooh, that's telling. Which is telling. But I like it. I like that song a lot. So there it is. So I thought, I sort of reasoned with myself, I can walk out of this house, I can go submerge myself for 3 minutes and 31 seconds.

[G]

You can't be too strong.

[A]

You can't be too strong. Graham Parker song. And I can then get out and walk back into the house and be all in at about five minutes, right? And I will be totally awake and I'll be ready, ready to go after a horrible night's sleep.

[C]

And that counts as a shower.

[A]

Oh, hell to the yes. Showering Is now completely on my. Off my list now. Oh, it's about to say paralyzed. All right, so. So that I did. And I gotta tell you, I recommend it. I did feel my body completely shift into this sort of weird mode. But I also. There's that moment where you start to hyperventilate, and then that part where you go, now you have to breathe and you have to take control of yourself and you have to bring it down. And if you do it right, you will find yourself standing outside of the pool in the rain, in 51 degree weather in your shorts, radiating heat. Like, literally feeling warm. I was not uncomfortable at all.

[C]

Well, and I think there's a difference, too. At least you got to do this in the privacy of your own home. Because at the Korean spa, we do this naked with a ton of chicks hanging out, being like, what is she doing over there in the ice?

[A]

Oh, poor Gina's like, you still got one titty in the pool, sweetie. Huh? I was halfway in the car. No, no, there's still titty in the pool. Let's go. Let's get it out of there.

[B]

Oh, my God, you're right.

[A]

Yeah, we got another couple coming in. Yeah, yeah, I can't do that.

[G]

Do you like breast humor?

[A]

She loves it.

[G]

You keep a breast of your.

[C]

Yes. I can't get enough.

[E]

Please.

[C]

More. Yeah, it's good stuff.

[A]

I only say it because you're such a good sport. Thanks. All right, Jay Moore is here. So let me push on for a second, tell you guys about true car. Love these guys. So whether you're getting a new car, used car, or an Amphicar. Yes, they have an amphibious car they built way back in the day.

[B]

I saw James Bond.

[A]

They literally built one just for the road. Oh, yeah, they're out there. There you can go get them if you want. Used or whatever. TrueCar you can choose from over 700,000 pre owned vehicles from over 13,000 TrueCar certified dealers nationwide. Whether you're looking new, whether you're looking used. I suggest TrueCar. Find out what everyone paid in your neighborhood, apples to apples. Then get your certificate, lock it in, go to your certified dealer and pick up your car. It's new, it's used, it's TrueCar. And again, it's not one of these. Oh, here's the one they put on the commercial. And then, of course, that one's gone. And then they try to upsell you. No, you lock it in and just go pick up your vehicle. So whether you're going new, whether you're going used. Go to truecar.com that's truecar.com new used truecar.com.

[G]

yes, Adam, when you're in your new true car, I suggest, if you haven't already been listening, listen to Jay Moore's podcast. This week was a very special episode. I will say no more. But it was very emotional. It's like the first time I got choked up listening to a Jay Moore podcast.

[A]

More stories. Jay's gonna be in here in a second.

[E]

Remember that time I fucked those guys and they fucked me?

[C]

You got choked up.

[G]

That gets me emotional right there.

[A]

Tell me I'm gonna dig deep a little for a second. But he comes in here and does Randy Warwick. Warwick. And it cracks me up. And he's just a blue collar, white trash kind of dude. Tell me how weird this is. There's a guy named Brad. Brad is the white trash dude in our group. Brad is the guy on the perennial top 10 list of top 3. 5. Whenever cousin Sal does his character of the year, Brad has all the stuff. Brad sounds exactly like Jay when Jay does Randy Warwick. And the thing that's funny is we nickname Brad. We call him Randy, but have been calling him Randy for years based on nothing. That's why it's weird when Jay comes in and calls himself Randy and then does Brad, which is insane to me. Gary, you probably had a lot of exposure to Brad, but he is that dude. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I've watched football with him a few times. That's 100% accurate.

[G]

That's what the police call synchronicity.

[A]

Yes. I was at A and M Records when we did that video. Oh, no. Oh, yes.

[G]

You were around the set.

[C]

You were on the soundstage. Right.

[A]

Painted the set I used to have to paint. One of my first jobs was painting the cyclorama at A and M Records on the soundstage.

[G]

The chaplain lot, which is the coolest place on earth.

[A]

Set up all of those candles that Sting ran through.

[G]

Are you serious?

[A]

It was.

[G]

That's wrapped around your finger, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah, that is. It's probably not Synchronicity. I remember them going, sending someone and tell them to get 200 Christmas tree stands and 200 dowels. And we'll just take the Christmas tree stand and put the dowel in it. Then we'll put the candle on top of the. Whatever. It's also where. I was also there when they filmed She's a Beauty by the Tubes.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I remember Stan. So what would happen with me is they would have to paint the psych. It's basically looks like a skateboard ramp to heaven. It's just flat on one side. It's. So when you're doing a show and something's in the background and it just goes for infinity, no sharp corners and no shadows. That's what the cyclorama is for. The edges, well, you know what, it's shaped like the deep end of a swimming pool, sort of. And it was huge. It was like three stories tall, and we had to paint it with a roller. And these two films, Soul Train, that there. And the deal would always be this. They would tell us they're shooting this police video there, but they're going to wrap at 10 o' clock at night, and then they're shooting Soul Train there at noon tomorrow. So you have to paint the cyclorama flat black in between the two videos, the two things they're shooting. And we go, all right, what time should we show up? And they go, well, show up at 9:45 and we'll start painting at 10. 10. Well, because it was a music video, we'd show up at 10 and they wouldn't even be halfway.

[G]

Right. Sting's still having tantric sex, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

Which you probably taught him on that

[A]

video shoot he's in. Yeah, I do tantric masturbation, but, yes, I can go on for days. But he's busy. They're not doing anything. I did one with Van Halen. They wouldn't even come out of their dressing room. And so what do they tell us? Well, they tell us, well, now you guys sit around and wait, because when they're done, we need that psych painted. Because they're still going to do Soul Train tomorrow at noon. And so we would end up starting at, like, 2am but in the meantime, we'd get sucked into the production, like, so that you. We'd be sitting around and, like the set guide, like, come up and go, hey, man, start setting up these candles.

[C]

But I don't work.

[A]

Yeah, I was like, if I'm on the clock at 10, I'll set up candles. So I wasn't anybody anyway, so I found myself setting up the candles for staying to run through.

[C]

That's nothing.

[G]

I want to hear every video shoot you ever. Eventually you have to do a podcast just about that. I want to know about every one of your shoots.

[A]

It was kind of interesting. And then there we go.

[G]

Fee Waybill.

[A]

I remember them. I remember, like, having the production coordinator, whoever, like, on the phone, you know, the landline like talking to some chick going, yeah, well, no, we will provide the mermaid tail. We need you to get in it. No, we don't expect you to bring. No, you don't have to bring a tail. Show up in like a one piece and we'll put you in the mermaid outfit. Will you do that? And we're going to put him in a wheelchair. Yeah.

[B]

Do you have a mermaid tail?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

This stuff was all just coke fueled and on the fly, right? And no one seemed. There seemed to be an unlimited budget and there was no real clocks in the place or no windows or anything. And you'd just be sitting in there all. All night. And then I. Yeah, I could remember. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Finish what you're saying.

[A]

I think they use that stage in Spinal Tap when they're like loading in and they're doing the thing, the most brilliant thing in the world where he's stuck in his pod and every. All that. All that kind of stuff that Harry Shearer, I think, stuck in his pod. I think when they're loading in the skull and stuff, I think that's the A and M stage they were using. But anyway, that's gonna be a weird

[B]

thing for me to have to explain to Tessa some days. Oh, no. They used to spend a million dollars on a music video because that was very, very important. She seemed like, what is that?

[A]

Right?

[B]

That's a very specific, very profitable small slice of our day.

[G]

The day I moved here, I went from the airport and I was supposed to go to the video shoot for Rush, Rush by.

[C]

Hurry, hurry, baby, come to me Sorry.

[B]

Keanu Reeves.

[G]

Keanu Reeves. No. And my first act as a journalist for Rolling Rolling Stone in LA was to drive accidentally. I didn't. I was new driver. I drove my Mazda Protege onto the driveway and interrupted a shot of Keanu and Paula. So I probably cost 200 grand right there, you know, I was hoping they'd recast Keanu for me. You know, go for. Go a different way.

[C]

You're virtually interchangeable.

[A]

That's a laugh.

[G]

You know how many roles I've lost to him?

[A]

Hey, Matt, line five, Palm Springs.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

You notice the water levels a little high in my pool? Yes. Yeah.

[F]

Watching that.

[A]

I'm on it. I had the COVID off. It was raining in it. Now I got the pump going. But I appreciate it. I like where your head's at.

[F]

That was the first thing I noticed. And your spa wouldn't be very efficient that way.

[B]

What is the danger?

[A]

Well, the spa, there's a. There's a little pony Wall between the spa.

[B]

Oh, you have the spa inside the pod?

[A]

Yes, and it just stops. It's right at that level. So I just took my P and set it on top of the little pony wall in the spa, knowing if the pool gets down to that level, then we'll. We'll be good. But you a pool guy man?

[F]

Yes, sir.

[B]

What if he was just a big fan enthusiast?

[F]

No, I do. I do. I do about 4, 40 pools a week myself. And that was just something I noticed, and I was gonna call your pool guy out. So you need to get a pool guy if that's where you have your water level.

[A]

But no, my unfortunately named pool guy fell. Phil does a wonderful job. Not only I think about his name now being Phil, like, with an F, but before, I did this stupid move with him. You guys know that move where somebody tells you their name at a party or whenever or wherever, and you forget it? Seven seconds later? You feel like an idiot because you're like, it's one thing if they came back next week, and you're like, oh, sorry, what was it? Bird or Brad? But, like, when you're walking back to the house and you've forgotten their name. So I went. The first day this guy showed up, the pool guy. I walked out, and I was like, hey, what's going on? And he's like, hey, I'm your new pool guy. The pool contractor said, I recommend this guy. I said, okay, good. I said, hey, my name's Adam. And he said, yeah, okay. And then he gave me his name. And I was like, hey, good to meet you. All right, so you're my new pool guy. Fantastic. And I started walking back in the house. I took two steps toward the house. I was like, I just whiffed this guy's name. I have no idea what this guy's name is. And now I can't turn around and go back and ask him his name. I took two steps away from him, and then I thought, screw it. He's the pool guy. He'll be out there cleaning the pool. I'll be in the house watching TV or at work. I don't need to.

[B]

And never we shall meet.

[A]

I'm not gonna tattoo his name on me. And then about 10 seconds later, I let Philly Cheesesteak out the door. And of course, Phil makes the beeline for everyone, tries to lick him down. He's jumping up on him. And I go out in the back. He has no idea what's going on. And I'm just yelling, phil, Phil. No, Phil. No, down, Bad. Phil. No. And he's looking at me the whole time. And Phil's looking at me all the time. Phil. No, Phil bad and Phil and. And certain point, he goes, I'm Phil, what do you, what do you want? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess that kind of worked. Although I would have approached it a different way. You think I would have connected the two? I was that far out of it. But anyway, thank you, Matt. Let me just blow through these and we'll bring the great Jay Morgan. And how will cannabis legalization in California affect jobs? Kenny, Kenny, are you there? Line four. Yeah, there you go. Oh, you mean affect people working jobs?

[F]

Yeah, well, I mean like creating jobs. Like, I mean, you know, a little stagnant. I mean, do you think this will give us a nice little boost?

[B]

Could there be a possible negative of effect?

[A]

I'm all for it. The only thing I got with weed, I think is people think that the weed. You know what, it's a little dangerous. Just like ATVs are dangerous in a weird way. More dangerous than a dirt motorcycle is because when you see the dirt motorcycle and it's two wheeled and you look at it, you have respect for it. Like, you go, I could get hurt on that thing, the ATVs.

[F]

I'd rather not get rolled over by an ATV.

[A]

You know, it's got the four. All right, put on. Hold on, Stoner, the ATVs got four wheels and you kind of look at it and you go, I could ride that in my flip flops and like board shorts. Like I think I could. And then they go, what about your two year old son? Yeah, put him up on my lap between, put him between the gas tank and the 12 pack. Let's just go ahead and wedge them between the gas tank and we'll just putter along. Then you kind of do this move where you go, there's a little sand dune here, let's have a little go at it, come on. Next thing you know you eat shit. But it makes it look like. And I feel like when it comes to like booze in work, I don't know that many people that go. And look, there are alcoholics out there. Don't get me wrong, but I don't know that many people that are like, yeah here. That many people go, I'm gonna have a couple of beers and then head into the office. Like, because it's gonna. I'm gonna smell like beer. People will know it's gonna. I'm gonna get tired.

[B]

One word.

[A]

Yeah, it's gonna affect my stuff. Everyone I know smokes pot. It's like I can rip a bongload head on in. Like, I can drive that for, you know, the people. I drive better, I do a better way, right? So the difference there is that creatively it's not that one is more dangerous as the other. It's just one is the atv, which is, oh, I got this. And the other there's the dirt bike, where you go, look, put your helmet on, put some boots on, and play it safe.

[C]

You underestimate it, right?

[A]

And everyone I know who smokes a ton of weed does the. I'm fine on a couple of bonglets and going into work. And I go, yeah, you're. You. You forgot one of your shoes. And the right one's on the left foot. And I go, yeah. And they do this argument all the time, which is like, I would have done that anyway. And I'm like, oh, then you're retarded.

[C]

That's not good. I don't want you to work for

[A]

the thc will flush out of your system in a few hours the retardation. I'm not sure that goes away.

[B]

Joke's on you, bro. I didn't forget one shoe. I remembered one shoe.

[A]

All right, let's see. Frank, 35. Adam.

[F]

How are you?

[B]

Good.

[A]

What's going on?

[F]

Hey, Gina.

[A]

Hey, Brian and David.

[F]

How are you?

[B]

Hey,

[F]

just wanted to get some advice from you. I've been kind of doing. Trying to get into voiceover. Been taking some classes, kind of working it out going on a year now. And I wanted your advice on when you think I should continue if I need to. Maybe give it up. If I haven't had any.

[A]

Later. Hasn't. Yeah, Dawson doesn't need any. Well, hey, Competition. Hey, Frank, let me. Let's go back. I'm going old school. Ernie Anderson, ABC, late 70s. Let's go. I want you to repeat this sentence, Eric, right?

[F]

Yes, sir.

[A]

All right, so you go, and after an all new Love Boat, someone's killing showgirls, and Dan wants to know why.

[F]

And after the Love Boat, somebody's killing showgirls, and he wants to know why.

[A]

No. And Dan wants to know. That's Dan Tanner. And Dan wants to know why.

[F]

The night after the Love Boat, somebody's killing short girls, and Dan wants to know why.

[C]

Nailed it.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Don't play the recording from the 70s, Frank. Do it yourself.

[A]

I'm gonna say not to quit your night job. I'm not even. I'm not even a day Yet I'm saying night holiday and weekend job, day

[B]

job, holding both hands.

[C]

Frank, where are you originally from?

[F]

Well, I'm here from la.

[A]

Huh.

[F]

Born and raised here in la.

[C]

I detect a little something else.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna say, are you first generation? Are your parents from other places?

[F]

Place, yes. As a matter of fact, my parents are Olga's country men.

[C]

Salvadoran, Guatemalan.

[A]

I really appreciate her more and more every day because it's like an adult in your house who's paid to feign interest in what you're saying.

[C]

Okay, perfect.

[A]

And there's.

[B]

What's that like?

[A]

Nothing better. Like what? Olga, she's always doing something like unloading the dishwasher. And then I'll come in and go, olga, come here. And then she'll go, oh, good. I get to pretend to listen to this insane person while I'm getting paid and not having to bend over and do the dishwasher while he goes off on one of his rants. Or I hold the camera while he throws himself. The crazy white person throws himself into a swimming pool that's freezing. Yes.

[B]

I got practical advice for Frank. Frank, if you're first generation, you probably do a pretty good Guatemalan accent. The Hispanic marketing is huge. Multicultural marketing apartments of big companies. They're always looking, Robbie, for people to do voiceover with accents and stuff.

[F]

It's interesting you say that. Sorry to interrupt you there, Brian. It's interesting you say that because I actually just signed up to do some volunteer work reading Spanish books for the blind and recording that. You know, work out my craft. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. That's a good, good way to get

[B]

reps. Find the big companies in la, Disney, things like that, and get in touch with their multicultural marketing departments. They're very big.

[A]

Can I jump in here, Dawson? Dawson should jump in. First of all. Now hold on.

[C]

First of all, putting on a clinic.

[A]

I don't want to get racist here, Frank, but blind Spanish people are just Spanish people that can't read.

[F]

Well, this is at the La Braille Institute over there on Vermont.

[A]

Well, I gotta say, hybrid ruse. Yeah, that's where I'd go too. All right, go ahead. Yes. First of all, first of all, Frank, tonight on an all new tonight after an all new tonight after an allnew the Love Boat. Someone's killing showgirls and Dan wants to know why. Number two, you speak Spanish.

[F]

That's why I'm a fan of Dawson. He's the one that kind of inspired me to go.

[A]

They call him five Takes or less. Dawson, there is. There is a lot of work. Work in Spanish. Voiceover. And if you are bilingual, you could possibly work. But the best advice I can give you is get one job and keep it. If you can do that, more will come. Putting up Stuka. Give us the. Give us the. I'm talking one vo Job. I say sorry. Give us your best Spanish language goal.

[F]

Goal.

[C]

Like they just scored a goal.

[A]

World peace. There we go. World peace. Like your mom.

[F]

I'm just getting over a cold.

[A]

All right. Yeah, go ahead. Give us the best Spanish language sounding goal. All right. Yeah. That ended like Sonny getting out of the pool. Thank you, Frank.

[B]

On him.

[A]

She was a little rough on me, was she not?

[C]

She was quick to judge, Mom.

[A]

Quick to judge.

[B]

To levy judgment.

[A]

Quick to judge.

[D]

All right, good luck, Frank.

[A]

Kevin, great. You really could see everyone's personality pushing through because how delighted was Natalia. Sonny was an exquisite momentary pain. How glee evil was Natalia on top of the world. All right, Kevin, last call and we'll bring Chandler in. What's going on?

[F]

Hey, now, guys.

[D]

What's going on?

[F]

I. I called last month, talked about my web series. You guys gave me some pretty cool advice. And Adam, thank you so much. You've been liking my videos on Instagram, and I wanted to pitch you as possibly being an executive producer for my show Comics Watching comics.

[C]

Oh, right, because you've got nothing going on.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, Kevin, you did like the crep

[C]

that you did like the premise.

[A]

I did. I just. 10,000 things doing. If it's one of those things where you just put my name on and send me a check, I'm. I might be down with that.

[F]

Well, it's the easiest EP credit you

[A]

could ever hope for.

[F]

Here's why. I've got some stuff written down here. I mean, I emailed August about that. Never heard back. So I thought I'd call the. Go right to the source because I got a little thing called grit.

[A]

Mm.

[F]

But anyway. All right, so there you go. One, all I would need is just here and there. Talk about the show on the podcast.

[B]

Having to sit through this call makes it not the easiest credit union ever done.

[A]

That's true that if you're ever in

[F]

New York, sit on a panel. Sit on a panel and watch the comics with us. And three, dialing up the. Dialing up to the network contracts. You have like the Sharon Levies of Spikes of the World or even buddy Jimmy Kimmel. Seeing how we can get this show pitched to a network.

[C]

He doesn't so much need a producer as fairy godmother.

[A]

Yeah. He's looking for a comedic drug mule to basically mule this thing into Spike and Jimmy Kimmel. All right, keep working on it.

[B]

That's a hard yes.

[A]

That's right. Jay Moore is out there. We'll bring him in. We always love Jay Moore. David Wilde tonight. By the way, there's a live show

[G]

if you're in la. If you want to go to Hollywood and see a Comedy Central show way before it's on Comedy Central a few months beforehand, it's the comedy jam tickets.com thecomedyjam tickets.com I promise you will see not only some great comedians, but a few a wide range of musical guests that will charm and delight you.

[A]

And shoot him a tweet at Wild about music. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with Jay Moore. In the spirit of Murrow Cronkite Brokaw, here's another great moment in local news. Heroic effort to save a deer that was stuck on an iced over a river. Now, that deer was unable to get off the Farmington river and connect Connecticut. Yesterday, a crowd had stopped on the side of the road when someone called police. Come on, Bambi. It's easy. Well, after several attempts to coax the deer to safety, two people went out onto the ice. Get this, they crawled out there on all fours. They were eventually able to get the physically exhausted deer back on dry land and out of harm's way.

[E]

Well done.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Poor little Bambi couldn't do it all on her own. That's a great moment in local news. Now back to the Adam Carolla show. Get ready with my mom, Brian. But I was thinking, as we welcome the great Jay Moore, more stories, new episodes every Monday on iTunes and podcast one. I also want to talk about his documentary as well as I, as I was thinking, as I was thinking about it, my mom would make the worst news sidekick ever. Because whatever you say, they have to pretend to laugh when the weather guy kicks it back. Bring your muk locks.

[B]

Remember that time you want those crazy shoes to the studio?

[A]

My mom would be the worst because everything would be, hey, there's a deer. I hope he brought his ice skates.

[C]

How would I know that?

[A]

Well, I hope. Hope we're not. I hope we're not in. In for an early thaw, right?

[E]

Early what now?

[A]

How should I know? Oh, big mama got it all. You're my mama. You are my mama.

[E]

Good side, man.

[A]

Oh, I love you so much, mama.

[E]

Speaking a lotto, there was a Lotto

[A]

crime downtown last night. Oh, a lotto.

[E]

That's a pun.

[A]

I like that.

[E]

That's two thirds of a pun.

[A]

Pe or on? Or on. Well, Brian. Oh, Big Mama.

[B]

See you again.

[E]

I love seeing you tonight with Brian. Brandon Ingram.

[A]

I love Brian. Who?

[H]

Dinner.

[B]

Stanley.

[A]

What?

[E]

I love seeing you at dinner the other night with Brandon Ingram.

[A]

Brian Ingram.

[E]

Brandon Ingram.

[A]

Brandon Ingram won the Duke.

[E]

Now he's a Lakers.

[A]

Oh, the Lakers. Yeah.

[E]

Brandon Ingram.

[A]

I love Big Mama. Got it all. Because I grew up not being able to nuzzle a bosom. I grew up not having. Having the feeling that. That feeling that. Remember? You see how Lynette exploded when Sunny fell in the. Jumped in the swimming pool.

[E]

Did she live?

[A]

Not an ounce of that. Is she alive? My mom? No. Jury's still out. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. No, she's alive.

[E]

Put my titty in your mouth.

[A]

Yeah. I got no sensation in your titty.

[E]

Too much Vic's vapor, bro.

[D]

Oh, you.

[A]

What? You put vapor rub on. Oh, on your chest. On my titty or. Chest racks. Yeah. I like that. I did.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Why didn't you see that through? I don't like to wear white shoes. Oh, no. I wear slides. Slides.

[E]

Jellies.

[A]

Jellies, yeah.

[E]

Air Jordans.

[A]

Air Jordans. Well, you got. You got to show off those nails, cuz. Those toenails.

[E]

I'm glad you noticed, son.

[A]

I'm not seeing.

[E]

My boys don't know this. Champion. Championship.

[B]

Champion.

[E]

Champion.

[A]

Wait, you know my boys? I know you have the triplets. The champion triplets.

[E]

Yeah, they're born Englewood.

[A]

Englewood.

[B]

City of champions.

[A]

That's. Oh, he knows. The Lakers are on the Forum.

[B]

That's right. City champions.

[A]

Hey, that's Gina Grass.

[E]

I had my reading last night. I'm sorry.

[C]

It's great seeing you again.

[E]

I'm sorry.

[C]

It's no problem.

[A]

I'm sorry. So Big Mama got it all? She's fine. She's from ch. I mean, they're champions. You get.

[D]

What?

[A]

You get down.

[C]

I get down. I get.

[A]

You get freaky. Yeah, a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, I get down.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Sure, Big Mama.

[A]

So, back to champions. You have the three triplets, right?

[E]

Well, yeah.

[A]

You have. And for me, What? Anthony's the baby, right?

[E]

It's Champion. He don't have a middle name. Champion. George.

[A]

George, right.

[E]

And champion. Eldon Campbell.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. He's the father.

[B]

Father.

[A]

Oh, from the Lakers. Wait a minute. Is that a. What other El camp? You know, I don't know.

[E]

It's kind of a oneoff.

[A]

Is it? I'm sorry. I don't mean Elon Campbell from the

[E]

World Vision Center, Man. No.

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

You're smarter than this.

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm more of like a, you know, Kiki Vanderway.

[B]

You're an El Ky.

[D]

Throw some dick.

[E]

Now.

[A]

He was a scoring leader.

[E]

White man. Larber, Kiki Vanderway. Tom Chambers.

[A]

These are white scores.

[E]

I. All of them.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Well, they're gonna make me less good at basketball.

[A]

No, it only couldn't hurt. It could not hurt. It could not hurt.

[B]

I didn't realize there's a big basketball fan. Big mama, huh? I didn't realize there's such a big basketball. Who's this now?

[A]

That's Brian.

[B]

Still me.

[A]

She need her glasses. I'm more of like a James Worthy Cooper, you know, Magic Johnson era, kind of.

[E]

AC Green wasn't no virgin.

[A]

I was gonna say AC Green was a virgin.

[E]

No, he wasn't. No, I saw him at a glass story hall on Lancashire Boulevard.

[A]

Oh. Throwing dick. Throwing dick.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

It was all a ruse.

[E]

A con.

[A]

A con carnival game we are saying was. Hold on a second.

[E]

I'm sorry.

[A]

AC Green was a. I think forward for the Lakers during all this.

[E]

Doug Christie.

[A]

I'm sorry. Doug Christie.

[E]

No, A.C. green was a virgin.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

A.C. green was famously a virgin. A religious guy in the NBA.

[B]

Given the Big Mama, such a big Lakers fan in that era, that must have been her. No pun intended. Her white whale.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Famous virgin.

[A]

Yeah. A what now? The Ungettable Conquest.

[E]

Oh, Moby Dick.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, it's a book.

[E]

Oh, I know.

[A]

It's a novel.

[E]

Alcohol is anonymous.

[H]

The Big Book.

[C]

The Big Book.

[A]

Moby Dick as a Herman Melville.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He got paid by the word. I don't know. No, he wrote a book.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

About a whale.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Page 200.

[E]

They ain't even underwater yet.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[E]

Why am I doing these hand motions if I'm on audio? Oh, I have to, like, stop or I'll do it for the next three straight days.

[A]

I will never leave this place. Can I ask you a question?

[E]

You know I know. Caesar Milan.

[A]

No, the dog whisperer. Whisperer. Yeah.

[E]

And he told me he was having visions of a black lab named Felipe.

[A]

That's my dog.

[E]

I know. Pissing on the motherfucking car, bitch. Cause these niggas can't close doors no more. What the fuck is going on in this Corolla home? The Big Mama gotta come talk to Sonny and Lynette.

[A]

Who exploded? No, they didn't explode. Well, I figure Speech. Yeah. Natalia and Lynette were having difficulty closing their bedroom doors. And, you know, Phil was chewing a lot of Phil and cheesesteak. Cheesesteak? Yeah, he was chewing a lot of hairbrushes and stuff like that.

[E]

Well, hairbrushes are for spankings and combing hair.

[F]

That's all.

[A]

I think they're just for combing hair. Right. Well, we're spanking.

[E]

I'll talk to Gina.

[A]

Tomorrow's episode.

[E]

See what happened with the hairbrush.

[A]

You know, I'm a white guy. Hold on, big mom. I gotta go on a little longer with this. I just want to say this.

[B]

Don't go anywhere.

[D]

Who's that?

[A]

Now, you tell me if this is gonna be racist. Oh, Brian. Yeah, it's Brian.

[E]

Hi, Brian.

[A]

I don't think this is that racist. Let me say this thought every single time. I just grew up a white guy in the valley with a puss for a dad, and I was never spanked or beaten or anything. Right. Every time I talk to a black comedian, it's like my mama tell me to go pull out a. Get a switch from the backyard, or she'd grab a spatula or wooden spoon, or he'd use his belt, or he'd use his fishing hat or whatever it is. And I thought maybe we should just invent something, you know what I mean? Weighted properly, ergonomically gripped instead of confusing the kids, you know, because there could be some danger here. Like you grab a sprinkler key and cause some real damage. And there was, like, the thing. There was always this controversial. Yeah. Where the kid would go grab barbed wire, the mom would go tell him to grab a switch, or dad would tell him to go grab a switch. They'd get one that was too thin, and they'd have to go back and get a bigger switch. What if we just came out of the beating stick that was, like, signed off. Yeah. Get Dr. Phil. The. You know, have series signed off on and endorsed. Yeah. Ergonomic. Get the surgeon general on it.

[E]

You said mukalux earlier. Like, we have Muckalux and we don't have a standard. Government approved. All right. You want the government in your fucking business all day? You live tarred fucking Hollywood faggot work.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

No. I don't even get started on fucking your buddy Brad. Taking my Randy neighbor. I got a weed for that guy. Him and cousin Salo, a grand because I took Virginia Tech to meet Florida State.

[A]

We.

[E]

Buzz Williams actually said he'd cover it.

[A]

We called Brad Randy before we knew you, though. Randy I don't know what to say.

[E]

Hey, before Abraham I am, bro. I get hammered. Me and me and the man. Up top, bro.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Buzz Williams covered that a grand, by the way.

[A]

Oh, who for the eight grand you owed for Virginia Tech coaches.

[E]

Virginia Tech. He went through some fucking crazy charity because cousin Sal and Brad went ain't grading the hole. They're like, oh, trust me, take the over. They're going to beat Virginia Tech. It's going to be Florida State.

[A]

Seminoles, dude.

[E]

They got fucking crushed.

[A]

Yeah. I don't follow the college game as close as you.

[E]

I would have taken a bet, but I passed out.

[A]

My son said he's verbally committing to. To Clemson, by the way, after the. After the big win. Big championship win. Yeah.

[E]

Cousin Sal's a ran in a hole to Buzzwell. You don't want to be in debt to Buzz, bro.

[A]

Yeah, no, I don't want to be in debt to Buzz. I do want to tell he's a bad dude. I do want to tell this. That Jay Moore has got a himself TCL flat screen TV over here. That's right.

[B]

What'd you do?

[A]

Right?

[E]

Let me tell you something. They're the actual best TVs. And the fact that I got one from you guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

You asked Gary and I'm like, my eyes. I'm like, who's. Who's tc? Like, it's so big.

[A]

It's so big.

[E]

I'm like, whose TCL is it? They go, it's yours. I'm like, that's funny. And they had to convince me for like 10 minutes. I'm like, this is amazing.

[A]

I know. We're very generous over here. So go to tclusa.com and check them out. Great stuff. And it's all preloaded with all the stuff.

[B]

It's got Roku built in, it's got all the apps. 4K. It's pretty glorious.

[A]

Enjoy the hell out of that.

[E]

You're sell me, man. I'm like, I know. Exactly. That's amazing.

[A]

Can we talk a little about your documentary?

[E]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

So you're doing one on the singer from Bad Brains, right?

[E]

HR it's called Finding jokes. Joseph, there's a clip of the trailer up on my website. I'll send it to you. I think Gary has it. Gary, I sent it.

[A]

I watched it.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I'm into it. And I. Is it complete? Is it out? Can we send.

[E]

It's completed and there's screenings. And what you do is you hope somebody. You know this. You hope somebody buys it right. And covers all your expenses that you got other people to do for you to pay those people back so they'll stop calling you.

[A]

Was this your thing? I mean, no.

[E]

James Latham in New Jersey, I was doing the Borgata, and he came backstage, he goes, I'm doing this Bad Brains documentary, and I would love it if you. I could interview for it. And then I said, or I could do the VO for the whole thing. And then I saw what he had. I said, or, why don't we go in this together? Because I think the story is Joseph's mental health, not, like, just blowing the band. And the fact that he went so bananas. And everybody in the documentary that's saying, yeah, something happened to him, man. Like, they're sweating out tickets to the Kids Canyon Club, like the Minor Threat reunion, and he's in a boxcar, happy. That's what fascinated me.

[A]

Bad Brains is, well, very influential punk band, but like the first basically black punk band that I'm sort of aware of. I mean, punk, dc. And so everyone, whenever they're talking about who influenced you, Green Day or whoever, it's always Bad Brains always, always comes up. But I didn't know about the mental health part of the whole thing. So the lead singer is what?

[E]

He's got a lot of different diagnoses. And he kept hearing God telling him to leave Bad Brains and go do reggae music because the birds sing more sweetly and the grass grows greener. And he would do it. His stage name is HR Human Rights. And he would do a reggae album. And it's like, perfect. It's just like a great, accessible good. Like it should be, just be mainstream, great reggae album. And then they go back to Bad Brains and they'd crush. And on stage, like you saw in the clips, he's just like, channeling. He's not like a regular frontman. There's no. It's like Clapton or Buddy Guy on guitar. There's no, like, real thought. He's just present. And it's. He just kept getting a little worse, A little worse and little worse. Because, as you know, mental health is never really spoken about. It's a huge stigma. And then what's great about the documentary is members of Bad Brains, one who is his actual brother, they're like. They just. We just thought you were a jerk. Like, we know you were ill. Is he schizophrenic? I don't want to say it on the air in case I say it incorrectly, because it's not fair to him, but yes.

[A]

Well, it sounds like Usually when you're in your, I don't know, earlyish twenties and you start hearing people telling you to do things, and when I would

[E]

ask people like Duff or, you know, just guys that I knew from the mystery podcast to do to sit down for interviews, they couldn't wait to just talk about their first time seeing Bad Brains walk on stage and watch an HR and the guys. And then all the guys in that documentary that are like, yeah. But then he got, like, weird. I'm like, when I watched it, what James Lathos had assembled and already filmed, and this has been like, his life's work and all of his money, I'm like, these guys look like miserable dicks. Like, HR is like, jumping off the San Monica pictures and just waving at people, like, happy. Like he. Something's, like, magical about this guy.

[A]

So we can look forward to this. Well, I'll tell you what.

[E]

So screening February 15th, TBD for the actual theater, because you want it at the right place, you know, as you know very well as I know. So I didn't even know we were going to talk about this. I would have been much more prepared.

[A]

Well, can we send people to a website or your site if they want to find out information about this?

[E]

Yeah. Jmore.com and let's just have like 20 people go to the screening on February 15th, and you can choose whoever you wish.

[A]

The live dates. By the way, shifting gears here for a second for J. Mohr, South Point Hotel. That's in Las Vegas. That's January 20th and 21st. And then you can go to jmore.com for any information about the screenings at Bad Brains, live shows, podcasts, what. Whatever you need.

[E]

Yeah, buddy. Get it on, buddy.

[A]

Get it on.

[E]

Get it on.

[A]

All right, so should we do a little news and we will have Jay sit in and have some fun?

[C]

Absolutely.

[E]

Gino, would you do this for me? Could you do. Can we do a super truncated short version of, like, you're the anchor and big mama got it all, is the side person? Because Adam's mom, as he said, would be a terrible side person.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

But you can make it up now.

[C]

Oh, we'll do it now. Big press conference for Donald Trump today. He had a. A lot to say regarding the hacks from the Russian government.

[E]

Russians.

[C]

Yeah. Yes.

[E]

Am I on camera?

[C]

Not right now, no.

[E]

I'm sorry.

[C]

You're shouting off stage. I'm on camera. I'm sorry. As I was saying, might be great friends with Vladimir Putin, but he's still vehemently denied.

[E]

Get my powder out of my dressing room.

[C]

We are. We are live right now.

[E]

It's next to my bowling ball bag. It's a Simpsons bowling ball, big mama.

[C]

We're Alive right now on the air.

[E]

It ain't my go. Do you think thing Russians hack some Trump shit? Vladimir, I'm fired.

[C]

Can you cut to commercial? Technical difficulties.

[E]

Enjoy this new T shirt on television.

[A]

Thank you.

[E]

Just.

[A]

I like that. Brian, you've met my mom maybe once, right? Yeah, I have actually a worse person for that job.

[B]

I mean, maybe someone in a coma or. You know what I mean, with the baseline ability to speak. Yeah, she's probably.

[A]

Hold on. Let's not jinx the person in the coma, okay? Okay, Number one. Number two, there's a context to a coma.

[B]

That's true. They're unable to speak.

[A]

Yeah, they have Randy.

[E]

Brian's on pornhub, jacking off the stepmom. Porn. That's not the guy you want motherly advice from. Oh, he said, you know what? He's a pure kid, though. He don't around.

[A]

No, he's. What you see is what you get. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

[E]

That's a lot of magnolite in his jeans, bro.

[A]

Downstairs. Yeah. Yeah. You know that.

[E]

That's why I shaved his head, so they would match.

[A]

Wow, you mean his. His dork and his head would match? How do you know he's got that much in his pants, bro?

[E]

We go to the steam room together all the time at B's. Oh, you go to B the Y burnt out. Just has balls. The one in Long Island, Brian, you remember that?

[A]

We were there.

[E]

Who was it we were with? The kid from the Saved by the Bell Kid. Margosa. Whatever the his name is. Kid doing diamond push ups in the steam room. And he gets a. He gets rocked up. Brian got all bonered out. I'm like, bro, that's inappropriate. He goes, well, you. You're shaving, Warwick. I'm like, I can shave in a steam room now.

[A]

I've got a boner.

[E]

I'm hard.

[A]

But you're not gay, right?

[E]

No, we're all straight. Hell no. It just felt good.

[B]

Hell no.

[E]

Just felt good. We were hammered, bro. I'm a mushrooms in the steam room. I'm like, it looked like wizard of Oz in there, dude. Flying monkeys and everything.

[A]

So Gosling's doing push ups in there.

[E]

No Gosler

[A]

even give a. Yeah, yeah. But not gay.

[E]

No. I'm willing to learn, though.

[A]

Who cares?

[E]

You know, if I was gonna give me another bartles and James 12 pack,

[A]

who gives a Right, Right.

[E]

Where's Ray with the van?

[A]

Oh, Ray with.

[E]

Yeah, Lancaster. Like eight minutes.

[A]

Yeah, we got going rain the van out here.

[E]

I was telling the kid outside, Matthew, he's a fan of yours.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I said, I listen to your podcast so much. Like you don't know how much personal you give. And I just like, put it in this little special hive in my hand for Big Mama. Like, yo, oh, your dog, Phillip.

[A]

Cheesesteak. Yeah, we had to. Big Mama. We used to go. We used to go to Lancaster and clean up.

[E]

What happened to Molly?

[A]

We cleaned. Oh, she. We had to put her down.

[E]

No, I know. But then what happens? Where'd I put that body?

[A]

Well, they cremated her and then they gave her ashes back and they put it in this little box. This looks like a cigar box.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

He smoked a cigar. No, it's a. Well, yeah. No, I will not this. It didn't come with cigars in it came with the dog in it with the ash, the ashes of the dog.

[E]

Maybe Ma died because she smoked so much.

[A]

No, no. This is probably my fault.

[E]

I was telling these guys. I don't know if you realize what a position I put you in because I was listening to the first Big Mama. I know you're the news and I apologize. I get manic at the connection with you. Look at the smile on his face. I love you. And you are in a position of. I listened to it like a couple months ago. You have to be so frustrated, but never disagree. And I don't even know you realize the high wire act you're doing and it's such a brilliant skill set.

[A]

That was in real. No, no, no for Big Mama.

[E]

But you have to go. No, no. And get exacerbated like, fuck. Like you're not even fucking cl.

[A]

But. And.

[E]

But you're so happy that she has your attention.

[A]

I do love that she's burning calories.

[E]

And I think most people be like, no, no, the dog did not smoke.

[A]

Yeah, I. I'm. I'm. Any. Any attention is good attention.

[E]

I don't think you realize that specific skills, like, I don't know. I've never really. I've never seen it before.

[A]

Maybe it's a feeling or maybe it's repetition or maybe it's a feeling. I'm telling you, Gary, Sal shows on the. We do sales on the Internet. If you could. Do you know what Brad looks like?

[B]

No, I've actually never met him.

[A]

If you can find that and have Brad and show Brad just talk a little bit. You will See, Randy, what he had

[E]

him talk about is a grand he owes Buzz.

[A]

Yeah, he's probably not going to talk about that. Randy. But the idea that we dubbed him Randy is a weird. It's his nickname for no good reason. All right, wait a minute. We'll do the news first. I'll tell you guys about life. Live lifelock. That's right. Cyber threats, man. Bad in 2016. Now even more in 2017. Protect yourself. Identity theft. America's fastest growing crime. I have lifelock. Natalia has it. Sunny has it. Lynette has it. Everybody at the Corolla house has it. Why? Because they're out there. God knows who's hacking these days, who's not hacking. It'd be a shorter list. Need to protect your identity. Lifelock scans hundreds of millions of transactions each second, and it will detect if your information is being used. They will send you an alert. No one can prevent all identity theft or monitor all transactions. All business. But LifeLock, you have the best protection available. And it starts at just $9.99 a month. That's right, under 10 bucks a month for a little something called peace of mind. It's the best. It's LifeLock. And again, you're doing all the shopping 2017 online. Why not do it with a little something called peace of mind? A little lifelock. Dawson, go to lifelock.com or call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code ADAM. That's ADAM. For 10% off your LifeLock Ultimate plus membership, call 1-800-LIFElock. 1-800-LIFELock.

[E]

Now, please be the guy. Oh, it has.

[A]

I'm honestly not sure what they're talking about. I was just. No, it's just Sal's doing his football show from my car warehouse on Sunday, and Brad is Randy on the left. And it's.

[E]

It is the guy on the left.

[A]

Oh, of course not. The beard guy? No, that's Scott.

[E]

Oh, I'm so. It has to be.

[A]

Yeah, and if you. Gary, you can scroll around till he says something. He's about to say a little something.

[E]

Go ahead, Ludes.

[A]

All right. Yeah.

[D]

I would have liked Quailudes.

[A]

You didn't ever try quail.

[B]

They were great.

[D]

You know who ended Quaaludes?

[A]

Bob Dole.

[D]

Oh, you went in there, made him

[B]

stop doing this thing.

[A]

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[D]

I was the end of quail.

[A]

You like qu. Oh, Ian.

[D]

No, yeah, it was just. It's a pharmaceutical thing.

[E]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting. Bob. Bill.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Let's see, what else? All right, what do I want? Randy, That's That's Randy.

[E]

Immediate observation. Yeah, Brad talks exactly like a homeless person. He's got a little. Play that exact clip and imagine it's a guy sitting down outside Starbucks.

[A]

It's got a little dusting of that.

[C]

Is he. Is he messing around or. That's his vibe.

[A]

Oh, no, no, that's him.

[E]

They stopped making Quaaludes because of Bob Dole. No, they stopped making Quaaludes because Steve Martin sold out the Hollywood bowl waving his fingers around.

[A]

Huh? What?

[E]

Now I'm Quaaludes?

[A]

No, you're right. That's exactly.

[E]

Steve Martin sold out the Hollywood bowl going, hey. Waving his hand.

[A]

This is amazing.

[E]

He's got a bunny rabbit here on we're high.

[A]

It's weird. It's so non Steve. But Martin, it's right. That's all you would hear is you were walking into the Starbucks, looking down, walking with purpose that they outlawed Quaaludes because of Bob Dole. You might give a knowing. Yeah. And then you'd walk in and on the way back, you figure it's gonna hit you up for some. But that's a very, very. But whenever I think of Randy Warwick, I think about Brad.

[E]

I gotta meet this Brad fellow.

[A]

I may both catch on fire.

[E]

There might be, like, a phoner you could arrange where, like, Warwick's an actual dude and Brad. Because I don't think Warwick's on Brad's radar. After the aluminum foil on his windows in his apartment.

[A]

You could probably call him up.

[E]

Yeah, well, tell me Bob Dole. That's how he lost his erections. You do Quaalus, bro. It's like snorting Adderall. It'll kill your dick a little bit. That's why Brian's all rocked up. He's clean, bro. He just likes to jack off at a steam room. And fucking God, what is the name? Marcos? There was diamond push ups.

[A]

True.

[E]

You got Gina right across here with a giant rack. She's a gorgeous Italian chick. But you know what? She's a good girl, though. Good girls off. Keep your meat hooks off. Never gorilla snaps if you look at

[A]

Gina the wrong way. Should we do some news?

[C]

Oh, can we?

[A]

Give me the news with crap. News with Geno Grad. Great gene viral.

[H]

All those crazy Trump tweets.

[A]

Give me news with Gina Grad. Trouble in the Middle East. Celebrity drunk meltdown Seek. News with Gina.

[B]

Gina.

[A]

The news with Gina Grad.

[C]

Well, President Obama gave his final speech to a crowd of nearly 20,000 people in his hometown of Chicago Tuesday night. He touched on everything from isis to climate change, to his wife and kids. Couple of highlights for you. In the first clip, Obama addresses how the transition will go down.

[H]

In 10 days, the world will witness a hallmark of our democracy. No, no, no, no, no. The peaceful transfer of power from one freely elected president to the next. I committed to President Elect Trump that my administration would ensure the smoothest possible transition, just as President Bush did for me.

[A]

He is a great orator.

[E]

I mean, the magnitude of that, though.

[A]

He gives great speeches, and I love the first 10 minutes. And I just sort of sat there and went, eventually, we're going to get in a race and we're going to spend a bunch of time on race, and then he's going to explain to us why we all need a whole bunch of, of work.

[B]

And then.

[A]

I hate that part.

[C]

Didn't he say at one point, I couldn't find a clip of it, but didn't he say, like, it's hard? Yeah, okay, we have a way to go, but aren't we much better off now than we were 20, 30 years ago in terms of race?

[A]

Well, here was, here's, here's the. No. And here's the problem. He has this. Well, no, he did. No, we're not better off. No, we're not better off. He had a weird, he had a weird. He had this weird position, which, which is he has been sort of the custodian of race in a weird way, as the first black president. He's been a little bit of the custodian of this for the last eight years. So he can't really say it's gotten worse on my watch. He has to say it's gotten better. And what he did, which was, again, these are, I think, tactical and smart. You know, he didn't say, things have gotten better since I've been here for eight years. He was smart. He went back 30 years. He went like, things are better the last decade and the decade before that. And, you know, if you're gonna get back 30 years, then no one can argue with, of course we're better off now than we were 30 years ago. My thing is we. Oh, it's not me. If you poll Americans, I don't know statistically how you do this, but if you ask most people, are we better off or worse off, they say worse off because of what's been going on in the news or Ferguson or whatever it is. Most that's, that's their opinions. I don't know how else to quantify it other than what people feel like or think or something.

[B]

I think you're right. From the perspective of every time they ask, how's Congress doing? It's always 80% disapproval. And it's always, you know, it should be.

[E]

But also the race question, Adam. No, I'm not saying that white or black people asked. You're gonna get a 100% column filled with way better, and you're gonna get 100% column filled with. It's a mess. I don't. That's a divining rod.

[A]

Well, Gary, people are, like, so tired

[E]

of talking about it.

[A]

What I'm saying is, is there is a point to call him the custodian.

[E]

He's the fucking president. You could have called him. Sweeping up the.

[A]

I didn't mean like a mop. Lincoln, he's throwing me trash can with wheels on it. I meant the guy's throwing some fucking sausage in that bedroom, dude.

[E]

Lincoln's looking down, crying, dude.

[A]

What I'm saying is, is they have a thing where they ask Americans, how are race relations?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know how they do it, but they just do it. And they're worse off now, now, according to them, than they were. So it's not quite the Congress thing, where they always go, oh, it's always horrible. It's like the presidential approval thing. I don't know what it's always based on. Obama's got a very high approval rating right now. And then there's sometimes where they dip, like after Benghazi. It's down to this and now it's up to that. And it's not super official. It's just the way people feel.

[B]

The tide is turning.

[E]

Everybody likes the black guy when he's leaving, of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially the custodians.

[E]

That is why, like, good.

[D]

I love that guy.

[E]

There he goes.

[A]

I love him.

[E]

His contract's expiring. I fucking love him. He's my favorite receiver. Here's the thing, though. What I was trying to say to you is if you ask white America, is race better now than it was, you'll get near 100%, of course.

[A]

No, I don't think so. I think white people are freaked out because I think the news is. We're bombarded with Ferguson and cops being shot and rioting and blah, blah, blah, and all the video of the black people being shot and sitting. Besides, I know you sound like a machine.

[E]

Disagreement with you at all? No, it's all right, because the story immediately after that story is. It's either a hoax or you didn't see what they didn't record And I'm speaking. I mean, I don't make assumptions. And this is why. Because it causes disharmony here. Like, I think the aggregate is so, like, I can't. I have no idea what it's like to be a black person. I don't know black people. And if I have to hear this shit one more time, it doesn't.

[A]

Big mama got it all. It's not black racism.

[E]

Never.

[A]

There you go.

[E]

You remember Edwin Moses?

[A]

Oh, he's a great hurdler.

[B]

Undefeated.

[E]

And he was black.

[A]

He was race and race. Oh, I never thought about that middle name would jump.

[E]

The power of what Obama said. Like the transfer of power peacefully.

[A]

Great.

[E]

That's like that hit I just wrote down.

[A]

Amazing.

[E]

And I sent it over to Gina.

[A]

Like, holy shit.

[E]

Like a guy that once said, lil Jon, you're fired. He's gonna be the fucking president.

[A]

It's incredible.

[E]

Teresa Giudice, you're fired. Bret Michaels, you're the champion.

[A]

God. Conversation with her in a van for about an hour once. And it was mind numbing.

[C]

What'd you talk about?

[D]

Shoes.

[E]

Her husband Joe.

[C]

Jail time.

[A]

We talked football. College football. Oh, boy. And I was trying to explain her what a corn husker was a lot of Rutgers talk. It was incredible.

[B]

What a lot of Rutgers talking down the shore.

[A]

Everything's all right. I don't mind. I thought it was a great speech. I just don't like the part where we go race and then we explain everybody has a whole bunch of work to do individually.

[E]

That's my point though, because you're a white guy. If you were like. If fucking George Wallace was sitting here, it'd be like.

[A]

That was the best part of the speech I got. He's a funny comedian and whatnot. He wears those Kango hats.

[E]

I fucking love George Wallace.

[A]

I had this funny moment where I brought Olga in again. Stop unloading or loading the dishwasher. Come on here. And I said, there's this part where he said, look, we can't paraphrasing, but, you know, if we're gonna stop letting brown people into education for brown people or something. And I said, who's doing this? What are you talking about specifically in terms of not wanting brown people to be educated or what happened. Have you again, like, not living in a racist country. I'm all for explaining that we all have it in our hearts and we all need to do a better job. I reject. I think there's a handful of people that are racist and I think there's the rest of us that essentially Try to get along and do what's best for everyone and don't care. And also, this country, as you look at most people, you know, when he does this, you know, don't want to be fearful of people that look different than you. This country is one big pile of people that look different than you. You can't walk through an airport or go through a major city if you can't handle people look different than you. You can't leave the house because you encounter people look different than you all day, every day. That's pretty much what we're used to here. He did this thing about brown people and getting in. I think he was laying a little groundwork for Democrats and Hispanics. And look, they're gonna take over, so they're gonna choose one side or the other. Let's have them choose us. Yeah, the Hispanics, but we want them to be Democrats. So there was a little tilling of the soil of that. And maybe Gary will find that. I think it was about.

[E]

I don't know how much.

[A]

I don't know how much more time you put in 20 minutes in, but Jesus Christ. But hold on. I called Olga in, who's from Guatemala, and I said, Olga, how do you experience this country? And she said, I've been here for 32 years and I've never experienced any. I worked for a woman who was crazy and she was a bitch and she quit. But that's because the chick was just a crazy bitch, not because she was

[C]

Guatemalan or oh my God, it's exciting.

[A]

Not yet. She's on paid vacations. On paid. But I said, honestly, really, what do you experience? And she said, I've not. She's a female. She's a single mom, She's Guatemalan and. Or what we would think Hispanic or something brown, and she's been here for 32 years. And she just said, I had to work for a crazy bitch and I quit. But other than that, nothing. And then I said to her, I said, I want you to tell me this, then riddle me this and you guys all answer. See if we can figure this out out at home. Because I never stop hearing about socioeconomic. That and down and help up and handout and all this kind of stuff. I said, and there's people in the have nots and the struggling and everything else. I said, look, Olga, who do you know? Who have you known that are either. And you guys can all answer this question. Think back on everyone you've met, everyone you know who are either a couple couple or single or as an individual or even as an extended family, like the grandpa and the mom and the aunt, the niece and the daughter, whatever. Who do you know in this country since you've been here, who you would typify is very hardworking and pretty focused and not irresponsible. Like, didn't take their paycheck on Friday and go straight to the dog track. But like went, hey, put some of that money away, save it for a rainy day. Or we shouldn't buy swizzle sticks. We should buy, buy. We should put our money and buy health insurance or whatever. Like, who do you know who a works hard, Not a genius or not gifted, just gets up on money and goes to work, Just works hard and is responsible. Or you would call responsible. Not saying you can't order a pizza or go to Disneyland on occasion, but not stupid gambling, whatever, buying lottery tickets or substance abuse or something like that. Who do you know in your entire life, life and go back to high school and come forward to today that is hardworking and responsible as a family or as an individual who is not making it, who's not. Not saying rich, just not cutting it, not being able. Not being able to. No insurance, not being able to transportation, not being able to travel or do whatever they have to make ends meet, keep the lights on in their house or apartment. Can you think of a motivated person that you would teplify as hardworking, focused person, responsible couple, family, whole families or just individuals that in this country, since you've been in this country, on this planet, that have not been able to cut it, that have not been able to make it, that are the have nots, that can't. The latchkey, whatever. So fall between the cracks. Who do you know? Because I start thinking about it, I

[D]

was like, I don't know.

[A]

I know guys like Ray from high school that were fucked. Yes. My buddy Chris got ran over by VW Bug intentionally.

[E]

That was an accident.

[A]

Randy, you. You're aiming for him on PC.

[E]

I can't see the fucking windshield. I'm crouching down.

[A]

He got his. He got his $13,000. I remember he was in the hospital for a week, but he got his $13,000 from the insurance company. And I said, chris, you'll never see $13,000 in your life. You'll never see it in your life. You need to take that money, put it by like a condo, put a down payment. He went to Maui and did blow for three months and it got run off the island and came back. Chris won. He made that decision. But who do you know, let's all think about it. In this country that has not been able to get it together. I don't mean. Again, I don't mean drama. Drives a Cadillac or BMW or something or lives in a double gated community. I just mean getting along comfortable, not the have nots. Can we think of a person? I couldn't think of anybody.

[B]

No. I don't want him personally. Of course hard work and all that stuff, like you said, is probably the biggest key to success. I will point out the fallacy of me saying that or you bringing it up is the vast, vast majority of my interactions in my life, the totality of my life and probably all of ours is middle class, ish white people. So. So I can't speak for people who have a harder path. I don't know. Hold on, hold on.

[A]

Of course, my.

[E]

This always gets quantified. He's asking you to represent that.

[B]

Okay, well in that case.

[E]

No, you're like black Puerto Rican.

[A]

No, I want that.

[E]

He's saying who do you know?

[B]

No, he's asking who do you know in your life which could encapsulate.

[E]

That's your life.

[A]

Okay, I went to high school.

[E]

I want to point that out. Like, even here, like four friends, it gets like parsed. Like we're all on the same page and we're like going, well, I am know.

[B]

Yeah, but Jay, but just. It does sound, it would sound ignorant if I was like, yeah, everyone I know who works hard is successful. Because

[E]

I feel like you're couching this in a way not nothing. No, hold on, let me finish. I didn't say it yet. So you can't have this reaction because it actually hasn't come out of my mouth.

[A]

Because Gary, you find that clip, we're

[E]

conditioned to have like a sort of 20 minutes. But I don't know if Adam could have possibly expressed or explained like I was my.

[B]

I was.

[E]

I've never been quiet that long in my life. You blew my fucking mind. The way you. From the moment you were born, through high school, through college, if you went through, you know, 20s, 30s, 40s, to right today, who in your life, your life do you know that breaks their fucking ass to work and is not irresponsible? That isn't making it.

[A]

Well, that's amazing. I specifically put that to single Guatemalan mom Olga, because I was curious. In her world, her sphere is gonna be also.

[E]

Brian was right. Then I apologize. No, she's asking us.

[A]

She has relatives that are from Guatemala who are here. And she's like, I don't know anybody who works hard.

[E]

She's royalty. Her uncle invented that fucking pan float.

[A]

So that's how I'd say so. I just don't want to hear the constant chorus of these people are up here, those people are down there, and the people up here have jurisdiction and dominion over these other people.

[B]

Serfs versus.

[A]

This is part. Yeah, the part where he said, while the brown people argue over scraps, we retreat into our enclave, our rich enclave. That's not.

[B]

That's equally.

[E]

You have millions of listeners. I think your question is a standalone for each individual listener. White, black, pinstripe. Well, I don't care if he's pinstripe. You know what? I would really. I would care if he's pinstriped. I want to meet that guy.

[A]

I would like to know.

[E]

Now, look, obviously fascinating people get hooked

[A]

on drugs and people get hit by streetcars. I mean, I'm not saying that. I'm saying just the person that's out there working.

[E]

You could not have teed this up more perfectly for a more fucking spotlit question. A signal in all this fucking mishygoss that's going around. Like, who do you know that gets up, goes to work every day, that's not irresponsible, that breaks their ass, busts their ass, does it doesn't have a gambling problem, doesn't have a drug addiction and just fucking ex response responsibly. That is not, quote unquote, making it right or is through the crack. Now, making it is always a sliding scale. Like, you and I want more. And there's people that want what you and I have, and there's people that want what we all. But it's fascinating question.

[A]

Thank you, Rainey. You got it. Sorry, Gary.

[C]

Well, he's like on that the only. The only.

[A]

Is it not 20 minutes in or 21 minutes in, but the real progress

[H]

that we've made, we know it's not

[A]

enough

[H]

our economy doesn't work as well or grow as fast when a few prosper at the expense of a growing middle class. And ladders for folks want to get in the middle class. It's not the expense, that's the economic argument. But stark inequality is also corrosive to our democratic idea. While the top 1% has amassed a bigger share of wealth and income, too many of our families in inner cities and in rural counties have been left behind. The laid off factory worker, the waitress or health care worker who's just barely getting by and struggling to pay the bills, convinced that the game is fixed against them that their government only serves the interests of the powerful. That's a recipe for more cynicism and polarization in our politics. There are no quick fixes to this long term trend. I agree our trade should be fair and not just free. But the next wave of economic dislocations won't come from overseas. It will come from the relentless pace of automation. The that makes a lot of good middle class jobs obsolete.

[A]

You go through this, Gary. Yes. The people that get laid off. The part where he's talking about the brown people going to school and the fact that going for the scraps, let's go and find it too.

[E]

Like there's a fatal flaw in this.

[A]

And look, I'll tell you the fatal.

[E]

11% of the population is black. Then the vast overwhelming majority of the people President Obama is referring to are white.

[A]

White people.

[E]

Well, my sister in Kentucky, she's got fired from a fucking, I'm not even joking, a bait shop. Like, yeah, like we gotta cut back. Like nobody. There's nobody brown within five towns.

[B]

How much fishing is going on in Kentucky?

[E]

Oh bro, you don't even know. It's crazy. There's no good shows down out of Scotsman.

[A]

One of the. My biggest issue is in the entirety of the speech. We've gotta do a better job. The government needs to do a better job. Job. To me, the premise is flawed. First off, you are the government and have been the government for eight years. The government is not going to fix what you're talking about. What the government is going to do is hopefully create something and get out of the way a little bit and have some opportunity. But in terms of what's going on, you need to fix it with your family. That's not the government. The government. The government can't fix what you're talking about. You keep talking that the government can fix it, the government can't. And at least I've never really seen evidence of the government fixing what he's talking about, what we need to fix.

[B]

The government can fix what they're supposed to fix. This is too far a bridge.

[C]

Well, and actually this doesn't make any sense because the one thing, as you say, and a lot of people agree with you, the one thing he could say that would empower the individual, he

[A]

won't say, he won't talk about family staying together, focus on education and wherever you come from, let's get on with it.

[E]

But why don't you guys get off your ass and yeah, it sucks to get up at 4 o' clock in the morning, but that's when the fucking job starts.

[A]

Well, the thing I object, the thing I don't like, that's all everybody I'm talking about.

[E]

I realize it sounded really racist.

[A]

If I'm a nice nine year old,

[C]

if I get up for work.

[A]

How old's Champion? Which champion? Well, the triplets, right?

[E]

Irish triplets. Same birthday, June 5th.

[A]

Oh, June 5th.

[E]

All right, four or five. I played a number.

[A]

What I'm saying, you play lottery?

[E]

He's 34.

[A]

Okay. What I feel is 34 year old champion sitting at home with the house arrest bracelet on her anklet.

[E]

Well, Tammy. Not Tammy, but Tammy.

[A]

Champion does. Champion.

[E]

George got one.

[A]

Oh, so one of the champions does. Yeah. You know this. Okay, I know it. I'm just saying, some of the honesty, I heard every show. I don't want that guy sitting home going while the president explains that we're all a little bit racist. We got a lot of work to do and it's inside of all of us and we need to correct it. Because I'm sitting there going, I make some Pollock jokes and some black jokes. But no, I don't need to. To correct my racist as it pertains to race, my behavior.

[B]

You tweak it, but not correct it.

[A]

Yeah, perfectly fine getting along. And neither is my son or my wife. And all of a sudden, my wife's parents are from Italy. Like, I don't even know what she is.

[E]

There is running water that is okay and healthy for you in every single park in the United States of America. That's free water. Yeah, like, let's start with just water fountains. We got whatever there is. Affordable housing, there's benefits. You go into the military, you pay for college. There is Social Security. Everything that's donated was donated by a rich white guy. Like, you know what? Where is the argument for like, and when's the middle class gonna donate a

[B]

fucking library to a university?

[A]

Well, what I also don't like is they always go, this one guy, this one guy's making all the money while all the guys, the 500 people that work at his factory are struggling. It's like, how about the guy who built the Factory who employs 500 people? Could we give just a little tip of the cap to that guy? Why is that guy the enemy is what I'm saying, why is he the bad guy? Yeah, the guy who created the 500

[B]

jobs, is he exploiting the workers? That's one thing. But if he's just. He's the boss who built the company.

[E]

He's coming from a guy's got a housekeeper named Olga. He threw over a fucking dishwasher to talk to her. He said, riddle me this. You don't even know what that means.

[A]

All right, Garrett. Sorry. There's two. There's one about education and brown people, which I thought was weird. And then there's another one about the scraps. And by the way, which one is this?

[C]

When did it become okay?

[A]

You can use your. If you got your clip, you could can poke me in here.

[C]

When did it become okay to say brown people?

[A]

Because we have to make a definition between black and Hispanic and we don't want to. I don't know.

[B]

Minority is too great.

[E]

I call them now white.

[A]

Well, let's just listen. Let's see.

[E]

I call them others.

[H]

If we're unwilling to invest in the children of immigrants just because they don't look like us.

[A]

Hold on.

[D]

Who.

[A]

Who said that? Who said that? When is.

[D]

Is.

[A]

Is world fairness.

[B]

He said.

[E]

He did say if in all fairness that's true. He's in this, like, purgatory, like, where he's not. He's kind of making the statement, they

[A]

don't look like us. Who does? The is that this country we don't want to invest in education for people don't look like us?

[B]

No, he's probably talking about a worst case scenario, right?

[E]

If there's a United Negro College Fund, by definition there is program to identify somebody. Doesn't look like you. Look at every fucking SEC football player.

[A]

Yeah. Ever. Listen, champion could have been out on that field last Monday night.

[E]

What happened Monday?

[A]

Oh, the championship. The game, they named it.

[E]

Did you see Lane Kiffin on the sideline?

[A]

Lane Kiffin, did you see him on the sideline? Yeah, I guess I did.

[B]

No, you did.

[A]

Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, he's in Inglewood.

[B]

Where was he?

[A]

Oh, Lane Kiven. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. That's right.

[D]

Me.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We went to SC together. Oh, you did? Yeah. I didn't know that. Did you go to film school? A Monty Kiffin look like the pelican from Miami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, he still runs. I mean, she runs deep.

[B]

She really love football.

[A]

I'm sorry. The rest.

[E]

Eight laces, baby.

[A]

We'll rewind it a little and we'll get into the.

[E]

There was 16 I them off, eight laces left.

[A]

All right, here we go, Gary. And just hit play there.

[H]

To invest in the children of immigrants just because they don't look like us, we will diminish the prospects of our own children because those brown kids will represent a larger and larger share of America's workforce.

[E]

Can you imagine a white president saying those brown kids.

[C]

That's what I'm saying.

[E]

What is this investment? I, I didn't know it was a municipal bond. When I look at a Mexican child go, oh, Let me get 14 on that one.

[A]

Look, buying shares. I dig the guy. Like I watched first 10 minutes I said this is excellent. I watched the end, I said this is excellent. But I kept sitting there going, when is this part where we stop and go, We've come a long way, but let's face it, we got a long way back. And I would accept this. There are, calm down certain pockets in this country of racist people. It's a very small percentage who act out in a racist way that does not represent the vast. This part where we all need to look into a mirror, where we all need to change, where we all need to grow and evolve.

[E]

He's not even talking about you.

[A]

Relax. I reject that. I absolutely do. And I'm insulted by it. And as every other American, whatever color you are, who goes out there and tries to be even handed, fair and generous and philanthropic and whatever your whole life, why do we have to to keep looking, finding a mirror and seeing a Klansman looking back at us. All right, we got one more. We got the scraps. Clip this in my house. Sorry, my computer's going a little.

[E]

Fix it.

[H]

Every economic issue is framed as a struggle between a hard working white men middle class and an undeserving minority. Then workers of all shades are going to be left fighting for scraps while the wealthy withdraw further into their private enclaves.

[A]

He's right. I don't even know what the fuck he's talking about really anymore. But all right, that's the act.

[E]

I'm not joking. That's the actual first time I ever heard that argument posed. I thought it was the upper 1% versus all of us. And he for the first. That's the first time my ear heard middle class is in this battle with low like rapport.

[A]

Yeah, Carlin nailed it.

[E]

They have all the money, do very little work. Then there's the middle class that do all the work for a little bit of money. And there's the poor to scare the shit out of the middle class. Make sure they keep showing up at all those jobs. And he says jobs like it's disgusting.

[A]

All right, take your thoughts on. I like the speech. I just don't like when everything gets broken down and there's brown and race and there's people. We're not gonna. The idea that in 2017, we reject people in this country that look different than us. Nobody's. I don't know anybody. Everyone's doctors, something who looks different than

[C]

them, or is this just a thinly veiled cough? Cough, Trump.

[E]

Yes, of course it is.

[A]

But listen, just say it then. I mean, because don't look me in with all the entire group.

[E]

And now we have the first orange president. Just call. Yeah, just call it out.

[C]

By the way, did you guys notice that one of the children was missing? No. Sasha at the event.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you know why?

[A]

No, I didn't notice that.

[C]

Just Malia. And there's a clip, but we could skip if you want. But very heartfelt words to his kids about just how proud that they've made him and wonderful words to his wife. But only one of the daughters was sitting there because, like the Corolla, Sasha didn't finish a paper, so she couldn't come to the speech.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yes, she was.

[A]

Why would you want to go. Would you want to go to the desk school?

[C]

Like a, you know, away school? But she still had work to do, and she did not come to the speech.

[B]

Wow. Draw a line in the sand.

[C]

Just like Adam Lynette would do with the kids.

[E]

What a punishment.

[A]

I'm trying to clean your room.

[E]

You're not coming to clean.

[C]

I thought about you saying, you know, how important it is to see, you know, you take your kids to work, see what you do. This would have been a good sendoff.

[A]

But I'm wondering. I gotta believe daddy doing a 52 minute speech has got. That'd be boring as shit for a teenager, right?

[E]

Of course it is.

[C]

And all they really have to show up to is the Turkey. Pardon.

[B]

I would imagine that would be a blood war.

[A]

Yeah, we're that way. We're that way with our kids. Like, they don't finish a paper. You only get seven hours of TV tonight.

[C]

Yeah, I crack the whip.

[A]

That's right. You're not getting into double digits.

[B]

Taskmaster.

[A]

All right, let's do one more.

[C]

All right. Well, lots more happened on Wednesday. President elect Trump conceded for the first time that Russia was behind the hacking of the democratic institutions during the presidential election. He said that at a news conference. He said, I think it was Russia, according to the New York Times. But he vigorously denied the allegation that he hired prostitutes to pee on a hotel bed where President Obama had stayed. He called that fake news and praised Russian President Vladimir Putin for saying it was false. As well, the behavior appear. Yeah.

[A]

There could be no more presidential. It's funny cuz you always think presidential. You think salt and pepper, white guy, whatever. Yeah, but Obama is the most composed.

[C]

Most grace.

[A]

He has the most grace. Push it real good. He's good.

[E]

Oh, salt and pepper. Sorry.

[A]

Yeah, salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. I mean that speech is magnificent. I disagree with all the race. He's great. He's up there.

[E]

He looks.

[A]

He's perfect. He's perfect up there. And then you go right to Trump. Yeah, it's perfect.

[C]

It's so good.

[B]

It stands in sharp context.

[C]

Well, for anyone who isn't quite on the up and up about what I was talking about, this appeared in a 35 page dossier released by Buzzfeed Tuesday night which detailed Trump's alleged ties with Russia. Trump decided to hold a press conference Wednesday morning addressing this and other issues

[E]

about being a metro.

[C]

Apparently this, somebody called this on December 14th on this show. And we have a clip of that if you want to hear it.

[D]

Speaking of movies, there's a movie I want to see. It's that Donald Trump orgy tape.

[A]

There's a Donald Trump orgy tape in Moscow.

[D]

That's why that he's given all the appointments to Russian dudes.

[A]

Because

[D]

Putin has a blackmail tape of Donald Trump in an orgy in Moscow.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

That's why, like that's quite. Your secretary of oil. You're the head of, you know, Russia, you know,

[A]

Big Mama laughing or Jay laughing. He called it. Yeah. Secretary of oil, I think. I don't think he knows politics.

[C]

Extra virgin, out of the mouths of babes. So he talked about a lot. Yeah.

[B]

I have a question.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

He and other people are saying this is fake news. My question is, are they saying the dossier is fake or the information in the dossier is fake? Because the dossier, as I read the New York Times story, it's like legendary in Washington. Like everyone's read it. Everyone knows it exists. Everyone knows it's out there. There was a lot of rumbling about it during the election. Def Reck guy obviously had. But it was out there.

[E]

I don't know if you want to use the word heard.

[C]

That's a really good point. Thank you. You've got winded.

[B]

But I'm saying, are they. Is the theory that the information's fake or did the dossier.

[C]

Well, I think a quote from Trump might help you understand that. He said, and I quote, intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to, quote, unquote, leak into the public good. So Maybe he was specifically talking about himself.

[E]

Local news, it never should have been leaked to the public. Gina, I love those. Local news.

[A]

We have a whole. Now there's. See, there's two. It's an interesting thing. And we should get used to it now because it's like there's emails or news or information or things are being hacked into. They're being hacked. That happened. And then the person you can always tell because they make the argument of that was hacked. Like, right, that was hacked.

[B]

So now you didn't want to have exposure, right?

[A]

Like if you left your phone out and your wife saw a bunch of texts to your old girlfriend, you could say you weren't supposed to. Supposed to look at that, but it still doesn't mean that doesn't happen. Exist. And then there's a part where it doesn't exist and somebody made them up and put them on your phone. And now we can all get lost chasing our tails to infinity in that world. Right? The dog. It's a good movie.

[E]

It's a big dog. Phillip.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Phil, he only got 10 rings now that Phil Jacks got 11.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Phil Jackson.

[E]

Philly Cheesesteak.

[A]

Sorry, go ahead.

[C]

So it's not all they talked about in the press conference. He got into it a few times with a couple of reporters. In this clip, Trump goes at it with a reporter who asked about his tax returns.

[A]

I'm not really saying the tax returns because, as you know, they're under audit,

[C]

but every president since the 70s has

[A]

never heard that before. You know, the only one that cares about my tax returns are the reporters. Okay? They're the only ones. No, I don't think so. I won. I mean, I became president. No, I don't think they care at all. I don't think they care really much. Fucking brilliant. I think you care I won.

[E]

No, they don't care. I won a president.

[C]

I hadn't heard that before.

[B]

Oh, wow, that's a good one.

[E]

But at the end, you got it like, yeah, he's absurd, by the way. He's aged 20 years already. It's like Lincoln's fucking portraits. Like, but the last one, he's already 100 years old here. But here's the thing. He starts like a child, and then at the end, he just fucking slams

[A]

that shit in her face with chalk.

[E]

Fucking full of nuts. No, I won. The proof is that they don't. I won.

[A]

It's amazing. This is going to be a great four years, and I'll tell you why.

[C]

All right?

[A]

Because if Ken Burns had an argument with Randy Warwick.

[E]

You'd have to wake me up for the second half.

[A]

It never would be Randy stepping up to. And eventually, at a certain point, Ken would just start yelling, I fucked your mom with a fucking. Fucking mop handle that was dipped in fucking shit. Okay, you piece of shit. Shit online. You see? See? So the press, everybody's gonna have to go into the swamp with Trump. There's no. There's no high rope. They never been tested because it's like. Well, sir, I respectfully disagree, sir. Follow up, sir, I believe I'm within the bounds of my expertise.

[B]

Point of procedure.

[A]

Right, but now he required negligence. How long did it take her to get down into the dirt with Trump?

[E]

Did she, though?

[A]

Not her. The reporter.

[E]

But she didn't know.

[A]

She went right back. All of a sudden we're on a schoolyard.

[B]

What did she do?

[E]

That was down.

[A]

He played again. Well, I'm not saying down, but I mean, like, he fired. What he did is. He did what no one ever does, which is no one cares. Leave me alone. You know, like he fired back with his thing. Usually politicians give a non answer, but they're not, they're not aggressive about it.

[C]

She put a snippy, sir on the

[A]

end of the sticker, I think. Then she fired back. Well, let's just hear it again. That's what she did.

[E]

I know what she did.

[A]

What I'm saying is usually you'd stop. You're gonna see some fireworks is what I'm. I'm saying because of his. Him. You're going to see the press getting down and firing back. Let me just hear it again. I'm not releasing the tax returns because, as you know, they're under audit.

[C]

But every president since the 70s has

[A]

had a fire audit from Iraq. You know, the only one that cares about my tax returns are the reporters, okay? They're the only ones. No, I don't think so. I won. I mean, I became president. No, I don't think they care at all. I don't think they care at all. I think you care. I think you care.

[C]

I think she's more befud. I think the press is befuddled right now.

[A]

It's going to start with them yelling, you know, Melania's stinks.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

It's going to happen. Jesus, it's coming.

[C]

Well, please.

[A]

I'm saying you can't. She's working on a paper. Randy and Ken can't stay up here.

[E]

They Ken birds. Who cares? The baseball documentary put everybody to sleep.

[A]

That's What I'm saying, he's going to

[E]

sit down with you or some ambulance.

[A]

It puts you to sleep, right?

[E]

You know it.

[A]

Some of the audience, he don't know.

[E]

I whacked out on Valium and coke for four days listening to fucking dead Miles.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

I'm with you actually, because I think this buzzfeed releasing this dossier thing, this, a lot of it's unproval, unverifiable news. This might be the first sort of salvo of that because this has been around since the election time and no one bothered to report it because it's sensationalistic and we can't prove it. It's like, oh, oh, no. Like it is all on the table

[C]

and he won't win anyway until election night when it.

[A]

When it starts to move, it doesn't head toward decorum.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

It devolves and it devolves quickly into the pendulum only goes down the fun. The fun stuff. And that's what's going to happen.

[C]

Well, speaking of the fun, speaking of the fun, he wrapped it up with one of his catch Jokoi on some More. We love Jokoi.

[E]

He wrapped it up more than me.

[C]

And he was talking about turning over the company to his sons and ended the whole thing with one of his favorite phrases.

[A]

This is all just so you understand these papers, because I'm not sure that was explained properly. But these papers got tons of manila envelopes. Just a piece of the many, many companies that are being put into trust to be run by my two sons. And I hope at the end of eight years, I'll come back and I'll say, oh, you did a good job. Otherwise, if they do a bad job, I'll say, you're fired. Sir.

[B]

Sir.

[E]

This the greatest president of all time.

[A]

It's gone.

[E]

This is the greatest thing ever. Those files look like a sketch.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And as he walked out, as you

[E]

can obviously say, there are so many files. I be like, obviously studious.

[A]

If Obama ended every speech with here come the judge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Geraldine. He needed. Yeah. Flip Wilson. Yeah.

[C]

And as he walked out, there's literally a reporter screaming, trump, you never answered the question about whether you're best friends with Putin. And it just kept walking.

[A]

It's gonna be perfect.

[C]

Remember, he's been in the WWE ring before, so he knows how to be a shocker.

[A]

He is metaphorically never going to be out of the WWE ring. You know what?

[E]

You know what, though, is when something actually lands and stays, right? Because he's so teflon. And he's a fucking genius. Like, I won. Like, what do you want? Score? Like, he might as well went, Nice face.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Like, okay, nice head.

[C]

Yeah. Your mom.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

But when something lands, it'll have to land like a fucking piano and a cartoon off of a building onto his. Like, it'll be like. There can't be any ambiguity, obviously. So if something like hacking or something like getting pissed on by prostitutes. If something lands, it's going to be. Be like, check mate. Like we've never seen before in our lives. I just can't fucking get him on anything.

[A]

I just saw how ironic the golden shower is with him because everything's gilded. Everything's gilded. But I'm wondering, we may have entered a new zone where things can't land anymore. Where it just doesn't. I mean, like a political version of a starlet and a bootleg porn.

[B]

Yeah, like a Kardashian thing.

[A]

Something that was a career ender. There's no such thing as career enders anymore. There's just more of your name and more out there and more arguments we may have.

[E]

Tell that to see Thomas Howell. He did Tank with James Garner. Nobody saw him again.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Tank.

[E]

He works all the time.

[A]

Garner commandeered a tank and took it through the city.

[B]

You have to tell me.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right. All right, let's bring it home.

[C]

You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[A]

Gina, Gina. That was the news with Gina Grad. Ah, Guy Co. Man, everybody's got something to do. How about you save yourself hundreds of dollars on car insurance and you don't even have to leave the house? Nope. Just go online. Go to geico.com in 15 minutes. You could be saving 15% or more on car insurance. Extra money put in your pocket. I call it Whams. Walking around money and extra again. Hop on. Figure it out, Find out and give yourself 15 minutes. See if you can be saving 15% or more. That's geico.com geico.com and last but not least, I'm doing a new show on Spike. And the first thing I said when I said we're doing a home improvement show is I said, I need to be basically Judge Judy for home improvement projects and couples. I need basically divorce court.

[B]

You're the arbiter.

[A]

All they do is argue over. He wants the Caesar stone. She wants to go with. With Carrera marble. We can't afford the marble. He thinks it's that, but it stains and it's always. And I said I'll settle it.

[C]

You know what it is? Divorce Courtyard.

[A]

Like that.

[C]

You're welcome.

[A]

Yes. Damn.

[E]

That's why I like Gina, man. She got them ideas flowing.

[A]

So if you're fighting with your spouse over some home improvement issue, I can help. And I'm an expert. When I render my decision, it'll stand and it'll be carved in either Caesar stone or quartz or whatever. We're going with Carrera Marvel. We'll do it on my new show. And what you can do is you can go to couples.renovationsmail.com go there, and if you got a prompt, just say who it is. What's going on?

[E]

What's the name of your show, dude? What show you come out on, man?

[A]

I think it's called Adam Carolin. Friends Build Things Live.

[E]

I think you want to go with Homegirls out there, man. That's smooth and flow.

[A]

You like the way it flows? Yeah.

[E]

What you say? Like dot, forward, slash, Like, I got lost, man. Like what Gina said was just Divorce Courtyard, man. I'm with that, man.

[A]

It's going to look good on a crude windbreaker. Yeah. Jay Moore, everybody. More stories, buddy. And his live shows. He's all around the country. He's doing everything he's doing. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to J. Moore. M O H. That's the website. Jay Moore. Find out about the screening, find out about the live shows, find out about the podcast. J. Moore.com US live shows. Irvine Improv. January 19th. Coming up, Fresno, Oxnard, all sorts of live shows. Sacramento. Go to mcroll.com. find that out in my movie, the 24 Hour War. Available at chassis C H-A-S-Y.com iTunes, Amazon, all that stuff. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, everybody. The critics have spoken. 95 with the people and 100 with the critics. So enjoy that. How bad can it be? And the Red man, Gria is back in stock. Let Lynette know you heard it here. She'll love you for it. Go to corolladrinks.com till next time, Adam Corolla for David Wilde and Jay Moore and Gina Granbaugh. Ryan, Sam, Mahala. I grew up not being able to nuzzle a bosom.

[B]

All right, that was Adam Crowell Show, 1985. That does it for this weekend's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for an all new installment. Until then, mull and get.

[A]

Ra.