Dana Gould + Teresa and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show - Episode: Dana Gould + Teresa and Bryan (Carolla Classics) Release Date: February 2, 2025

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Introduction

The episode kicks off with an advertisement for Barilla Protein Plus Pasta, seamlessly integrated into the conversation to promote a winter energy challenge. Following the ad, Giovanni introduces "Carolla Classics," a podcast dedicated to highlighting memorable moments from the Adam Carolla Show's 15-year history. This special episode commemorates the milestone of 2,000 episodes, featuring Dana Gould alongside Teresa Strasser and Bryan Bishop.

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Celebrating 2,000 Episodes

Timestamp: [02:02]

Adam Carolla opens the segment by expressing excitement about reaching 2,000 episodes, mentioning the electric atmosphere surrounding this achievement. Giovanni and Teresa join in with congratulatory remarks, humorously referencing their own appearances and interactions with guests.

Notable Quote:

• Giovanni: "I want to say this. ... Losing 80 pounds. That's understandable, but never jarring. ... But now here we are." [02:10]

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Recap and Comedy Skits

Timestamp: [08:33]

To mark the occasion, the show features a comedic recap by Rich Banks, presenting a humorous song that encapsulates the essence of the first 2,000 episodes. The song intertwines various pop culture references and inside jokes, reflecting the show's signature humor.

Notable Quote:

• Teresa Strasser: "Jimmy Kimmel Pets on plane Adam's magic crystal brain Backup beavers..." [08:50]
• Giovanni: "We have to keep those things flying out the door. They're happy. Let's keep them that way." [12:24]

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Guest Spotlight: Suicide Girls

Timestamp: [55:02]

The episode features Missy Suicide, the founder of Suicide Girls, who discusses the brand's evolution and upcoming projects, including their latest reality horror movie, "Suicide Girls Must Die." The conversation delves into themes of non-conformity, self-expression, and the challenges of creating authentic content within the horror genre.

Notable Quote:

• Missy Suicide: "It's about girls that choose to commit social suicide. Girls that choose not to fit in." [55:19]
• Missy Suicide: "Our new movie came out today. Suicide Girls Must Die. It's our reality horror movie." [58:05]

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Advertisements and Promotions

Timestamp: [10:17] & [22:36]

Throughout the episode, Teresa and Giovanni engage in humorous endorsements for sponsors like Pinnacle College and Man Grate. These segments are marked by witty banter and playful critiques of the products, maintaining the show's comedic tone.

Notable Quote:

• Giovanni: "If you like video games, you like computers, and you're dangling a little or maybe you're looking to make a change..." [21:08]
• Adam Carolla: "Let’s support America. Let’s support our sponsors." [22:43]

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News and Current Events Parodies

Timestamp: [86:49] & [170:00]

Teresa Strasser and Giovanni present satirical news segments, parodying real-world events with exaggerated humor. Topics range from celebrity gossip to absurd scenarios like arresting someone for having a Nazi ringtone, blending reality with fictional elements to entertain listeners.

Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla: "A 66-year-old Indian woman has become the oldest person in the world to give birth to triplets..." [22:48]
• Adam Carolla: "Radar Online reports that Mel Gibson's baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, has audio tape..." [120:04]

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Interactive Comedy and Improvisation

Timestamp: [73:38]

The show incorporates interactive segments where listeners contribute movie titles, which the hosts humorously develop into fictional blockbusters. This improvisational segment showcases the hosts' quick wit and ability to turn mundane prompts into entertaining content.

Notable Quote:

• Giovanni: "Neighborhood Watch... it's just an excuse so these guys can get out of the house and play cards." [69:11]
• Teresa Strasser: "The more you know, don't be with a girl..." [146:19]

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Closing Remarks and Future Plans

Timestamp: [195:07]

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts announce upcoming live shows and autograph sessions at various venues like the San Jose Improv and the House of Blues in San Diego. There’s a final round of humorous exchanges, reinforcing the camaraderie among the hosts and their commitment to entertaining their audience.

Notable Quote:

• Giovanni: "Until Next time, this is Adam Carl football. Brian and Teresa Scott saying mahalo." [195:07]

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Conclusion

This special "Carolla Classics" episode serves as both a celebration of the show's enduring legacy and a testament to the hosts' consistent ability to blend humor with candid discussions. With memorable skits, guest interactions, and satirical news, Adam Carolla, alongside Teresa Strasser and Giovanni, deliver an engaging and multifaceted listening experience that both honors the past and looks forward to future episodes.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Barilla wants to help you stay active this winter with its great tasting Protein plus Pasta. It's the pasta taste you love with the energy you want, so it provides a good source of protein and it's made with 100% plant based protein from lentil flour, pea protein and chickpea flour, making it a good source of fiber too. We love that Barilla Protein plus is made with ingredients you can trust and it's from Barilla so you know it's going to taste great. I'm always looking for ways to increase my protein intake and this is an easy way. You can add 17 grams of protein per 3.5 ounce serving with the Barilla Protein Plus Pasta. It tastes so good. I also feed this to my son Ford because he's a picky eater but he loves Barilla so this is a way for me to get him his favorite food and a little extra protein. Also, you can put your energy to the test and take on Barilla's Protein plus Pastas Winter Energy Challenge this February. It's on the Strava Fitness app. It's free and all you need to do is simply complete 10 days of movement for your Barilla protein plus pasta reward. Terms and conditions apply. Sign [e-mail] Barilla.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is a podcast where pen the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Coral Classics with the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla substack. Check out AdamCarolla.substack.com to get access to the ad free archives for this show, the Adam Carolla show and to the brand new show Beat it out, currently featuring Adam and Jay Morton. And if you'd like to request a clip please email us classicsdamcurolla.com now on to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla show episode 2000 featuring the Try Guys, Gina grad, Brian Bishop. He's done 2000 podcasts. It never gets old. This is a perfect recap summary of everything Adam did In the first 2,000 episodes of the show. Shockingly rich Banks was able to fit in a ton of details. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an electricity in the air today.

[Giovanni]

Yeah man, that's why my hair's a mess. Good day Gina Grad. Good day to you and bald Bryan.

[Teresa Strasser]

Congratulations everyone.

[Giovanni]

I want to say this. Things in life creep along. We're getting heavy and they happen Very gradually. And the very gradual part is the part that makes it difficult to wrap your mind around or understand the person who you see on a daily basis who loses 80 pounds. That's understandable, but never jarring. It's that same person you haven't seen since last year. And then you see them. Oh my God, the weight. Yeah. What happened? What happened? It's amazing. Oh, great. It just elicits a different response because it's all at once versus the very slow. I've lost four pounds a week for the last 17 weeks and now here we are. So that never really gets any response because sometimes it gets looking good or whatever, but it doesn't really get. Not from the day in and day out because those people see every day. Hard to tell. And it's a human thing. What we've been able to do here and come to a place and come to a studio. I had to. As I was floating around in my freezing cold pool the other day and looking at Philly Cheesesteak, who does this great move, which is he gets on the. He gets on the side of the pool and looks down at me like, hey, I'm not fucking nuts. I'm not going in there. Like I have a 3 IQ, but I'm still not going in there. But he's all jowl when he looks down at me. You don't get that POV of your dog that often, or hopefully if you do, you've used plenty of water soluble lube that'll come off in the pool. But that dog just looking down, his jowls start surrounding his eye sockets, which is funny when the jowls spill up into the eyes and he just looks at me and he does this weird move where he takes one paw and he, he just puts it out. Not really. He's not sure what he's getting out of it. He's not sure what he's doing. Are we high fiving? Is he trying to pull me in? I don't have anything he needs. He just does a thing with his paw.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is there a little of like, is he okay?

[Giovanni]

Should I check him for.

[Teresa Strasser]

To make sure he's moving?

[Giovanni]

I wish there's not. But I was just floating in my freezing cold pool and I was thinking to myself, you know, you've been able to carve out a life where you have a warehouse where you built a studio in your warehouse. You've surrounded yourself with people you want to work with and you get to go in there every day and that's your job. And I was thinking, that is insane. That's an insane notion. I mean, look, it's insane enough that you're able to get a job on Spike TV or you get a job on whatever radio station or whatever that is, but the idea that you just get to go to that warehouse you bought to put a couple of cars in back in the day and go sit in your studio and talk into your microphone as a job is pretty outrageous. Now it's been done incrementally and for so long that it doesn't feel like it would feel if I was just in high school or swinging a hammer or whatever it was my former life was. If I just woke up here, I'd be like, oh my God, this is insane. And it's important, I think, for everybody to sort of see if you can dunk yourself in the freezing, frigid waters of life every once in a while and think, wait a minute, here I am. Look at this. I mean, it's so easy to. With the kids and the schedule and everything, to have everything just kind of pass you by where at the, you know, we're capable as humans of marveling at, you know, you took me. Take me in TiVo or DVR. I went from, wait a minute, you can't stop TV. You can't pause a live show. That's. I'm not a warlock. That's alchemy. Well, you can't do this stuff. How do you do it to. Jesus Christ? I recorded the goddamn playoff game, but didn't do the spillover. The thing ran 17. I didn't see the fourth quarter. I didn't see the last three minutes of fourth quarter. Now I'm ripped yet. That's what we're able to do as human beings from the. Oh, my God, I could have traded a five year old DVR to Elvis for his house in 1975. Possibly two of them, possibly two of us. Yes, and a couple of his lady friends. But now I'm yelling at mine because it wasn't smart enough or I wasn't smart enough to hit the extend and record the rest of the fourth quarter of a football game. So that's where we're at. And I am going to tell you right now that I do appreciate this, that I do think about this, that I realize that it can't be done without you guys and it can't be done without the sharing. I took Philly Cheesesteak for a walk on Friday night when everybody was somewhere other than home and. And I just called the guy Matt from Chicago, who had lost his dad and his sister in the plane crash. And we had nice chat, and he's 24, and my God, I mean, you know, talking to him about his tool room, and him and his dad had his tool room, and they had the tool room in the basement. And I was asking him what he had, and he did this part where he said, we have a band saw. There's a band saw, but we. We have to put it. I have to put it together. It's still in the box kind of thing. And I sort of realized, oh, he got that while his dad was around. And they had planned on putting it together and using it, but we had a very nice conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it meant a lot to him that you called.

[Giovanni]

Well, it meant a lot to me because I sang our fans. He said, oh, we saw you in Chicago, and we saw you doing stand up, and we saw you doing live podcasts. I took my dad, my dad took me. Whatever it is. That's why we're here. And we never lose sight of that. So I want to thank all of you for listening for all these years and being a part of these 2,000 episodes. So I appreciate it. And now we'll move Forward with our 2,000th episode. Let's see, we got our Rich Banks song. Gary. Brian has it. I do. All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have not heard it.

[Giovanni]

I have not either. Let's check it out. Let's give it a listen. This could be the beginning of something great. Or it could be painful, humiliating. 20 minutes. Let me tell you about. First off, I gotta say this. I'm nervous. I don't know why, but I've never done this before.

[Teresa Strasser]

Jimmy Kimmel Pets on plane Adam's magic crystal brain Backup beavers Brian's cancer lazy hippie mom Seth MacFarlane Gavin Newsom asshole patent trollers sue and Brian Cranston Brian Bishop both spelled with a Y, blah, blah blah. Ken Burns at Jay Moore the deaf rat guy Bryan Cranston does gay eye no more showers hygiene he pissed off the Philippines Alec Baldwin reeled Hoffer down his right Goodbye he's done 2,000 podcasts and you keep complaining and you're never Waning. He's done 2,000 podcasts and he'll keep on going. Cause it's hard. He's blowing Opal Power makes you sick 50 years we'll all be chicks Max of batter half tart Gary Jerkin on a flight Vince Dog Dr. Spaz Richard Martin NY Jazz Larry Miller's road trips Occupy Wall Street K Rock Road Hot Newman's got a winning time Fond of the lyrics dropping turds Harlan Williams doing birds drop sir we can rage podcast on a cruise ship endless ramped IPA tournament roses comprehensive keep complaining and you're Never waning Pizza 2000 podcast there's gonna be 10 more versions.

[Giovanni]

Artie Lang August.

[Teresa Strasser]

Looks like K D Lang Rich Banks genius tits who the fuck sells this shit? Garrett Ghost, Dr. Drew David Wild ball Jew lackey stole his microbrew Elliot cool.

[Giovanni]

Interview My God.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sonny Bono, Yoko, Beastie Boys Holler notes Huelhauser Mike Ro May or Villa Retardo Dawson president me made a peanut allergies retarded at the Huff Pole Kevin Smith's an asshole he's the 2000 pod wow and you keep complaining and you're never waning Easter 2000 podcast and you keep on going cause it's heart it's blowing Albert Brooks has best guess Lynette kicked off Southwest Molly Philly big mama got it all Sunny and Natalia not Taco Bell material Olga cheap calls change smoking baby doll no beer in first class dag ass Teddy Pendergrass DFG not JB what else do you want from me?

[Adam Carolla]

I hope it goes another hour.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, me too.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's the 2000 podcasts and you'll keep on going cause his heart is blowing Tab on Jor Bungalow sue definitely not a Jew Rich man, poor man Bollywood Kaelin taxes fair share Jeff Ross, Rose Eisen and the Dolpost Guinness record from Gervais Celebrity Apprentice made up movie favorite tweets Red bracelet for eating beats do his best, not your best window of negligence he sold out Seattle's more mangrias in your liquor store what Candy's complain about mama's chanting freak out he's the 2000 podcasts and you keep complaining and you're never WANING he's the 2000 podcasts and if the mics were gone we'd still get it on and on and on and on and on and on.

[Giovanni]

And on and on yeah Rich Banks with I'm guessing an assist from Mike lynch got us they're opus.

[Teresa Strasser]

That was amazing.

[Giovanni]

Absolutely amazing.

[Teresa Strasser]

We should play that on stage in Fresno.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, people in love with that. That bears repeated listening. There's a lot I need to unpack that song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

All right. That was the premiere of he's done 2000 podcast. Amazing song. Come next, we have Adam Krolla show 354 featuring Missy Suicide, Teresa Strasser and Brian Bishop from 2010. Hope you guys enjoy. And now the fifth Beetle, Adam Corolla yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on, man. Date it on good, Dave. All Bryant. Yeah, it's George Jetson. I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Me either. He's gay. George Jetson's gay?

[Giovanni]

He could be gay.

[Adam Carolla]

You think so?

[Giovanni]

You never saw him pounding Trudy? I can't believe.

[Adam Carolla]

You know her first name?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Judy. Judy. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Close. You think. You think she was a beard?

[Giovanni]

Well, you think about it. You never saw him being intimate?

[Adam Carolla]

Cartoon for kids.

[Giovanni]

You could tell he had it pretty bad for Mr. Jetson or Mr. Spacely. Space leave, basically. Space products or something.

[Adam Carolla]

You think they were drawn toward each other?

[Giovanni]

It must have. Yeah. I don't know. I know. Isaac, listen, take this in the spirit in which it's intended. But, Isaac, your people. Not huge fans of the gay activity, am I right? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Really?

[Giovanni]

Well, I mean. I mean, it's all right once in a while, like, you know, Magic Johnson or something. But, I mean, like, again, when one man touches another man. That's not something you'd like to watch, is it? No. No. Hell to the no. Sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you remember, you know, Isaac, when he was with us, he was a Scientologist, so I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I don't know if that affects his beliefs.

[Giovanni]

It's good. Scientology's good, but not being gay, but, well, homosexual. It's a. That's a different. Yeah. No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

He was in show business for so long, you think he'd have a more open attitude.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. No. Yeah. You really think he would? Well, I said, could you explain to us how you not being open to the gay lifestyle affected you vis a vis. Shaft. You know, it's a thing that you get. Did you get when you do, Chef. You see, I'm with you on this. You know, these people have these bigoted views, and then when you ask them to explain themselves, he can't.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, articulate himself because it's just one of these irrational things, you know?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He was just a little stumbly there.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That's all. It's a little unsteady. And listen, I know where you're from, and I know you're very progressive, but I can tell you this because it's not that irrational in the sense that I'm telling you. Guys are nauseated by other guys contacting each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Visceral.

[Giovanni]

Visceral.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, Isaac, have you ever had that experience where you just, like, see a couple guys kissing and you have, you know, you're grossed out?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You have? Yeah. You gotta think about it.

[Giovanni]

No, you will. It doesn't matter if it's a movie, a play, or whatever. You have to hold your hand up. If two guys are making out. You do straight guys have to do this?

[Adam Carolla]

You just can't.

[Giovanni]

It has nothing to do with being uptight. It's the same thing that you do when you hold your hand up when there's something and there's some, like, vivisection or something and they're putting an electrode on a monkey's brain or something, you will hold your hand up. But I would say it's even greater. It has an even greater audience than that because half the straight guys I know want to see the guy eat shit on the snowboard and get the compound fracture of the femur. None of the straight guys I know want to see two guys kissing.

[Adam Carolla]

So this could be the ultimate jackass.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it really is. And by the way, that's why most of that stuff involves, like, lick that guy's balls or whatever. For straight guys. They'd rather fucking staple their sack to their inner thigh than make out with Steve O. So as I've said many times, not defending us Neanderthals, but I will say this. For as disgusting as that act is to straight guys, we're passive about it for the most part. Like, it's a. It's a. You know, we don't want to watch it. Go do whatever you want to do. By and large. Few troublemakers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A couple want to round them up and drag them on the back of a truck. Passive.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we're mainly. And those guys are probably gay, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because so much energy into gay guys.

[Giovanni]

Because the guys. The guys I know that are straight and just. Just basic, run of the mill heterosexual guy just nauseated by two guys going at it and really wants nothing to do with the guys or the act or the street that they're doing it on. Like you're just trying to get away from it.

[Adam Carolla]

Not gonna spend all day dragging Matthew Shepard.

[Giovanni]

Not behind a pickup truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gonna be out getting laid.

[Giovanni]

Get gay juice all over my bumper. No, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to get that off.

[Giovanni]

Thank you. Yeah. Gotta go down to the coin op car wash to get that off. Yeah. Am I right, Isaac? Yeah. All right, thank you. I think we found some common ground here.

[Adam Carolla]

But, Isaac, what about George Jetson?

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Inconclusive.

[Giovanni]

Sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't know if you can be. Sometimes. Either you're gay or you're not gay.

[Giovanni]

Well, we couldn't figure out. Yeah, Jetson. Well, look at his hair. He was very a dapper man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a dandy.

[Giovanni]

He was a dandy. He took care of himself. He ran on that treadmill. He didn't want to ran on it. Never once made a pass at Rosie the maid. Right. If I had a chick made robot running around my space villa, let's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Say there'd be a short or two.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Isaac wants us to know that he.

[Giovanni]

Is straight and Judy was hot. He never, never saw him being intimate with her. His daughter was pretty easy on the eyes too. Elroy, the young son. It's gonna be nice though, like when you're just doing a show. Like, hey, it's called the Jetsons. What's his boss's name? Space. Outer space. Spacely. Mr. Spacely. I was thinking Spacer, but you know what? Spacer. Spacely. Spacely. Yeah. What's the name of the company? Spacely Enterprise. Where are they? In space. Spacely Enterprises. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That works.

[Giovanni]

All right, let's eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

All right, we're done.

[Adam Carolla]

Break.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we're writing shit for kids. We don't have to do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Like they're gonna care.

[Giovanni]

They're done. All right. And by the way, every dog will just talk like Casey Kasem doing Scooby or Shaggy or doing the. Doing Scooby Doo. That like his dog. Oh, shit. What was his dog. Wow, this is sad. That'll come up in a second. Wow, we're all officially old now. Space dog. That's what they wanted to name it. Oh, shit. Elroy. Was it Astro? Astro, yeah. There you go. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Spacely worked for Astro Sprockets or something. Or Spacely Sprockets. And then the dog's name was Astro. Astro spoke exactly like Scooby Doo.

[Adam Carolla]

All dogs talk like that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it was a weird. Must be a nice little claim to fame where you pioneer voice for. This is what dogs sound like. And then everyone who does a dog, like, like really, like all and all breeds.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's kind of like I feel.

[Giovanni]

Like a black lab would sound a little. A little more like just because the.

[Adam Carolla]

Dog'S black, he sounds like Isaac Hayes.

[Giovanni]

Why not? He does. Yeah. Well, I mean, does Kelly Ripa sound the same as Isaac Hayes.

[Adam Carolla]

After a few drinks?

[Giovanni]

That's my point.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody sounds like Isaac Hayes after a few drinks.

[Giovanni]

All right, let's. Let's give a little shout out to a couple of our sponsors. Pinnacle College. You heard me talk about these guys before Video game sound design and recording engineering programs. How does that work? I don't know. Call them up. 888-590-8824. I just know if you like video games, you like computers, and you're dangling a little or maybe you're looking to make a change, maybe been doing something for a while that just ain't paying dividends, but you don't want to go to college for four years. And by the way, what's a four year degree get you anyway?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of debt.

[Giovanni]

A lot of debt and a chance to go to college for another four years to get some more debt to try to get out of it with some sort of degree at that point that you could get paid on. How about you just go to college for less than a year, you get your degree and your sound design and you move on. You get a job, do recording and engineering. It's all, all good stuff. And again, it's not all just video games. You can be doing movies and television and whatnot. Just won an Oscar for The Hurt Locker. 888-590-8824 is the number. Or you can go to PinnacleCollege. Edu. That's PinnacleCollege. Dot. All right. And of course, man, great. What else can I say about these guys? Support them. The good guys. Spoke to him. Guy grilled me on grilling for. It was like it was an hour. I spoke on the phone to Evan and I had to do that mover. I go, oh, I'm going up the hill. I got a phone's gonna lose you.

[Adam Carolla]

If I cut out.

[Giovanni]

He kept going. I had to pull over while he wowed me about grilling for another 45 minutes. These guys are insane about grilling and they make a great product right here in the USA. All American. 100% cast iron and such a deal. 25% off retail. Just click on the [e-mail] let's support America. Let's support our sponsors. All right, T. Yeah, Bone. Now you in the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Me?

[Giovanni]

Go.

[Teresa Strasser]

From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

A 66 year old Indian woman has become the oldest person in the world to give birth to triplets after IVF treatment at a controversial center. Yeah, but Terry, Debbie, Brian and I.

[Giovanni]

Are going to beat that in a few years. We're both just waiting, just biding our time.

[Adam Carolla]

Gave birth to two boys and a girl who are now being treated in intensive care. After being born underweight, she received IVF Treatment at the National Fertility center where the world's oldest mother, Rajo Debbie Lohan, was also treated. Mrs. Lohan, 72, gave birth 18 months ago.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And now, by the way, she's revealed she's dying.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Listen, here's how you know you're too old to have kids when it's time to breastfeed and your kids like, yuck.

[Adam Carolla]

They learn how to speak incredibly early just to tell you it's gross. You're gross.

[Giovanni]

Somebody give me.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Any formula? I'm fine with that.

[Giovanni]

I drink out of carton. You got any? What they call that, Pet milk.

[Adam Carolla]

That's fine too.

[Giovanni]

Can opener?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Got some insurer. I know that's usually for old people.

[Giovanni]

How about that evaporated milk? I don't know why we have to evaporate it, but let's evaporate some and I'll go ahead and eat some of that. So she's 72.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So a 66 year old woman had triplets, right? She's got the record for triplets. Yeah, she's got the record, but at the same center that treated her, treated this woman, Mrs. Lohan. She gave birth 18 months ago and she's revealed that she's dying.

[Giovanni]

Dying too. Yeah, Brian and I are going after that record too few years. Just wait, my pretty. Just wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and now she's angry at the center for not explaining the risks to women about having babies later in life.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

She's dying? I guess they, you know, they fuck around with your hormones. Probably not that great for you when you're 70.

[Giovanni]

Well, okay, hold on a second. By the way, we're looking at a picture of this woman. She does not look happy about these triplets at all. Although I do think there's people from other countries. You guys, tell me if I'm onto something here. We learned at some point in this country's history that it's. It's good to smile for the camera. Yeah, like the earliest efforts were not. Nobody was having a party.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean like, yeah, everyone looks bummed out, but they just didn't smile for photos. I think maybe the exposure was longer.

[Giovanni]

Exposures longer. And the bad teeth didn't help either. But even when they got that stuff worked out like shit from our grandparents, you know, from back in the day, you know, Philadelphia, up on the roof at the wedding, you know, 1957, Grandma Carolla was not the life of the fucking party. She always looked pissed off. I mean, there was never any woohoo or. Yeah, you Know, how about a Winger, you know what I mean? Come on, grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

A Winger.

[Giovanni]

Get the shirt off.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know your grandma to flash.

[Giovanni]

Well, not my grandma, but she's got friends. I'm saying she was 29, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she was a grandma.

[Giovanni]

Smile on your goddamn face, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Have a good time.

[Giovanni]

Live it up, party. So all I'm saying is this. We, at a certain point somebody realized, come on, live it up a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't look dour.

[Giovanni]

Somewhere in the 60s, someone went, take a picture, Smile on your face. Live it up, right? All right. I say in a lot of countries around the world, I don't think they've quite got that message. Guys try to look really serious. Chicks look kind of put off, you know what I mean? Yeah, she looks pissed that she's having these kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe they think we look cheesy because we're always smiling these big smiles with our big white teeth.

[Giovanni]

I think they think that we, we're probably, we're fools, you know? I mean, like, I think guys especially, it's my, you know, it's the guys with the beards, you know, they try to, there's a certain like guys, males try to look like males and the adults try to look like adults.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not a George Jetson beard. A beard beard.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, real beard. No, what I'm saying is, is they have guys like we have. We have guys like Mark Cuban, looks like a 19 year old frat boy. He's a millionaire adult who owns a professional franchise and a jet. But yet he's wearing like cargo shorts and you know, he's wearing short sleeve shirts. He's laughing. Up in other countries, he would look like a guy who had money, right. Anyway, he took pictures, he'd have a serious look on his face. Right. You know, our sort of, these guys at these, these sort of captains of industry back in the day, you know, they just had a very serious like, I'm a rich guy, I have a rich guy look. I have a rich guy mustache, have a rich guy top hat. Now we have Old Navy and guys yucking it up. That's all I'm saying. I think they're a little more throwback that way. Maybe they're right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way we should be carrying ourselves.

[Giovanni]

Well, you think our sons are going to see a bunch of pictures of us looking like jack offs when they're older?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they don't want to see. Or do they want to see their moms, given the Winger?

[Giovanni]

Right. That's my point. That's my point. They don't want to see some bar like Havasu with mom, like, doing a jello shot. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You want to imagine that your mom was wholesome.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And a virgin, so she conceived you.

[Giovanni]

It's just not. Not even that part. But even. I mean, yes, that part, but also just a part where your mom's not partying. Like, how you supposed to tell your kid, oh, hey, put that beer down. When I got pictures of you doing jello shots in Havasu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, tell me more about how I shouldn't drink.

[Giovanni]

Right, right. So anyway. Yeah, mom's looking pretty dour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that's got to be a tough experience, carrying triplets. 66.

[Giovanni]

All right, but they're out now.

[Adam Carolla]

They're out.

[Giovanni]

Laugh it up, bitch. That's all I'm saying. And then the other one thinks she's dying because.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she thinks she's dying because of.

[Giovanni]

Her fertility treatment, because they had to, like, stimulate her and get an egg out of her.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just guessing that. That they, you know, that is.

[Giovanni]

Do something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, I.

[Giovanni]

No. Free lunches in nature would say, true.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna pay later if you start messing around with your hormones. I mean, even the birth control pill, which I don't. I know I'd been on it really, my whole adult life, and when I went off of it to get pregnant, I thought, wow, life's totally different.

[Giovanni]

Off that.

[Adam Carolla]

You are paying. You're paying for your awesome birth control.

[Giovanni]

Well, let me ask this.

[Adam Carolla]

In sexual pleasure, I might add, trying.

[Giovanni]

To figure this out.

[Adam Carolla]

Go off the pill. It's a lot more fun.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I had no idea.

[Giovanni]

Adam. I got off the pill. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Get your wives off the pill.

[Giovanni]

Can I say this? The. The gal here who's 72. Don't you. You still got eggs at 72. They just stop dropping. Like, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

God. I mean, maybe if they give you a bunch of hormones, they can get one to drop. Or maybe they go in and get one. Or maybe they implant one for somebody else's egg.

[Giovanni]

I think that's what they do.

[Adam Carolla]

They got to use another donor egg.

[Giovanni]

Your eggs are powdered like military food by then, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

It's a C ration in your C. Yeah. Heavy. I get the big bucks. Yeah. So they must have implanted an egg in her. There's no way she got. She got one of her original eggs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The story doesn't go into detail about how they got this woman Pregnant.

[Giovanni]

All right, but should they be?

[Adam Carolla]

But obviously they went to extreme measures, right?

[Giovanni]

They shouldn't be monkeying.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, monkey around when somebody's 45, but.

[Giovanni]

Maybe not 65 or 72.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or say, yeah, she was. I think she was 70 when she got pregnant. Or, you know, who knows? Maybe this woman had a history of breast cancer or certain kind of things that aren't helped by monkeying around with the hormones.

[Giovanni]

Look, it's all this Lyle Alzado bullshit, which is steroids, gave him brain cancer and killed him. Meanwhile, Bonaduce doing mornings in Philly. You know what I mean? Like, come on, if every guy who did. Who juiced in the 70s, a Schwarzenegger would be dead 10 times over, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's easy to mistake causality for our correlation for causality.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like, these two things might have both happened, but one didn't cause the other.

[Giovanni]

Yes, you'll be glad to know that, Brian. I use you as a. As an example of a man who's lived an exemplary lifestyle and has a brain tumor.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Lucky me. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Well, what I mean is, you didn't sleep in a microwave or chain smoke, right? There's really nothing point to.

[Adam Carolla]

I live near Three Mile Island.

[Giovanni]

But as adults and as, like, superstitious adults, and especially as atheist adults, because this is our God. We're like too much. Processed food, perhaps. Would you eat out of plastic? What'd you do? You did something?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the plastic. That was it. Did you drink a lot of bottled water?

[Giovanni]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

So your mom gave you hot dogs and stuff? American cheese? Yeah. Oh, breastfeeding? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Soda. Drink soda all the time. Okay, you didn't smoke. But did you ever know anyone who smoked?

[Teresa Strasser]

I knew new people.

[Giovanni]

Smoked. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You hung out with them?

[Giovanni]

I have friends who smoke. Oh, they smoke. And you were there? Yeah, I watched them. Yeah. Okay. Oh, you watch. Well, there you go. Yeah. See, it's rough.

[Adam Carolla]

And there were times you didn't exercise that much.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I felt lazy from time to time. And see, all this is. Is a fucking bullshit way for me to feel good about myself. Like. Well, I didn't live that life. Exactly. So now I can sleep because I don't have to think about this. See, the idea that this randomly could happen to anyone at any time, even if they led a healthy lifestyle, scares the out of me. So I gotta do something. How long did you live in that apartment by the. By the train tracks? Too long. Too long.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently, that was it. That's probably what was there, like, asbestos Tiles.

[Giovanni]

It must have been in your school. Did you go to old school? Well, very old. Old school.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

The heating, the heating. Would they turn the heat on?

[Teresa Strasser]

Sometimes ducks.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Come right through. The duck smells. Yeah. See, I went out here in la, we didn't. We didn't always warm, so we didn't open the window. Fresh air. Fresh air, yeah. Never drank tap water. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not having explanations for things and having the universe be random and chaotic, so.

[Giovanni]

Unpleasant people, the out. And religious people can just go, you know, hey, God had a plan, but the atheists have to come up with something and that is, well, fucking black mold.

[Adam Carolla]

Black mole, obviously.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you have a lot of allergies and asthma.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna find people and then I'll do this bullshit witch hunt where I find people lived in your old apartment. I go, you ever feel tired at night? Sometimes. Aha.

[Adam Carolla]

Stomach problems.

[Giovanni]

But black mold, there we go. All right, now I gotta publish a report.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone in that building was affected.

[Giovanni]

I'm going to be on Oprah. Now move over, Jenny McCarthy. I got a theory too, bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it half cocked?

[Giovanni]

Of course, of course, of course. It's just shit happens. Some kids are autistic, some kids aren't autistic. And I don't believe everything just moves in a perfectly linear fashion. When you look at it, it's like When a team goes 500, they don't win a game, lose a game, win a game, lose a game, win a game, lose a game. No, they lose eight games in a row and then they win 10, and then they lose two in a row and then they win five in a row. It's totally random. At the end of the season, they're 500. So if you wanted to go back and look at autism or look at whatever you want to look at, there's probably going to be years where that shit's just on the move and then there's going to be years where it goes down it goes. It's not a graph that just. It's not. Everything is just perfect and laid out. I don't believe we have answers for everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but even if you're completely, totally reasonable, if you had the choice to walk under the ladder or around it, wouldn't you just go around it just in case it was bad luck?

[Giovanni]

Baby, I'm the dude working on the ladder. Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Hold on your menorah and smoke it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, that's how we're gonna do things.

[Giovanni]

That's how we roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Giovanni]

You worked religion into this conversation, Dude, I did. I'm just finishing what you started.

[Adam Carolla]

Always working it in. Well, here's a person who, probably not a Jew, was involved in a crime, although it was at a library. We are the people of the book. Here's an arrest description. Naked with stolen cheese. Darrell Bess, 52, was found standing completely nude in a bathroom at the Cincinnati Public Library. When police searched his bag, they found a four pound block of cheese that had allegedly been stolen from a local marketplace. He also had two knives, some DVDs that belonged to another library branch along with the cheese.

[Giovanni]

Well, I gotta tell you, when you're living off, you're putting down like a couple of wheels a week, you're gonna be backed up and you're gonna be spending a lot of time in the public library bathroom too. You know what I mean? That's double edged sword, that wheel of cheese, you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like a good idea. And you pay. There's no free lunch.

[Giovanni]

You got no bread, you got no dipping anything. You got no crackers, no nothing to spread it around. You're not getting any. You're not getting any Triscuits or Wheat Thins. Pushing a little roughage through you. You really spend a lot of time on that commode in that bathroom in that Cincinnati library, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But why was he naked?

[Giovanni]

Well, again, you know, when you're, when your life is just about trying to shit out a cheese wheel, you got time for pants, sister.

[Adam Carolla]

And he had DVDs from another branch, so apparently he made the round.

[Giovanni]

Why they have DVDs now?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, they do.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Jesus, shit. Can't you get DVD for 99 cents now? Like, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

There are poor people.

[Giovanni]

I was always poor. And listen, here's what I know, I know that again my drug addict theory. There are people that are homeless and they're on the streets and they have a $200 a day cocaine habit and they managed to feed it for five years. How do you feed a $200 a day habit? When you're jobless and homeless and whatever, you fucking figure out a way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's nobody more hard working than a junkie.

[Giovanni]

Nobody fucking works like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, they have to hustle so hard.

[Giovanni]

That's right, that's right. So here's the thing. There's really and the time, I'm telling you, because the Corollas, my dad famously would rent records from the library Check out records from the library.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad did that too.

[Giovanni]

And just getting records. And here he is just, hey, I'm listening to little buddy guy here. And that's all scratched up. I mean, you could imagine that the books are barely in readable condition. Imagine something as delicate as a record, you know what I mean? This thing being passed around for 30 years because my dad is getting like, stan Kenton from 1951, you know? So here it is, 1978. Well, that shit's been on the shelf for 30 years now. Holy shit, this thing, it's warped. It's skipping. It's a disaster. And here's what I would argue, the amount of effort involved with going, I'm going to the library. I'm parking the car, I'm going in, I'm finding the animal. Gonna check out not the one I want, but one. That's close enough. I wanted a little Dionne Warwick and I got the Fifth Dimension instead. Close enough. Take that, check it out, bring it back, go in the house, do it. And then have to bundle it back up and take it back in two weeks. Otherwise we get charged a nickel. Could have just bought the fucking Dionne Warwick at that point. Yes. With the calories burned. And then just. What about what it does to your humanity? Hey, I'm a 41 year old dude. I wait in line with a bunch of school kids.

[Adam Carolla]

That's depressing.

[Giovanni]

You know, you've arrived.

[Adam Carolla]

Ugh.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I'm surprised she wasn't being blown before he even made it to the parking lot of hot groupies wanting to be around a guy checking a record out. And what. What did a record cost back then? What's this thing cost? And you can't record it. It's not like my dad. Like, it'd be one thing if he had a plan. Like, you know what? I'm gonna check out 10 records at a time. I got this 90 minute max elf cassette thing. I'm gonna make something. I'm gonna make the best of Stan Kenton and Dionne Warwick. And I'm gonna have it. Then I'll return it all, and I'm a freak.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll record it and then I can listen to it anytime I want. I'll never have to go back to the library, rent it again.

[Giovanni]

Love this song.

[Adam Carolla]

She did have a great voice.

[Giovanni]

Great nostrils. Great voice. And it's a good song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's good.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah, but isn't it. She's. They're singing background, right? Yeah, they did like the original demo and sold to her and, like, you know, you've had a long career when this is one of your newer hits from 1986. You know what I mean? This is like when she says, now something from the new album, she goes, 1986. I turned it up.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta wrap Bachelor. It's too bad she had to go the Psychic Network route and kind of make a joke out of herself, because she really, truly was a great singer.

[Giovanni]

Oh. I mean, do you know the way to San Jose? Obviously, she knew because she was working with a psychic.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's true.

[Giovanni]

The original Garmin gps Brian knows because.

[Adam Carolla]

He'S from around there.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Falsetto's a little pitchy here.

[Giovanni]

She's a. I mean, Adam's not the. Oh, my. Yeah, she said she's. Oh, wait, here's where it goes. Here's where it gets very 80s here. It jumps like it's. It's sounding sort of a little timeless at some point, but it gets very 80s when the. When this comes in. My love is stronger than the universe. My. Your soul is crying for you. Maybe my dad knew what he was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is good. This is good stuff.

[Giovanni]

Pops out an apology.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry about that whole thing.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. Mash it up with pops. Corolla 3. Yeah. Hello. All right, here's Rick. Those 80s, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

But she goes. She goes up an octave here. This is where she really kicks it. Mash it up with dad again.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad is just going to come in.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Hello. I swear to God, I think I was driving home from Vegas after my girlfriend. My girlfriend dumped me. And I was listening to this song. It was like tears pouring down my eyes. It was like. Have you ever seen the movie Mad, Mad, Mad World? I was like, Dick Sean, going, I'm coming, mama.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm coming, mama.

[Giovanni]

Otherwise, you have to be hard prank.

[Teresa Strasser]

Are you bitching?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to be caught out in Baker feeling a little bit moody, and after losing your last 80 bucks playing at 21, driving home alone from Vegas. This song pop. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me you didn't have air in your car.

[Giovanni]

No. If I say I'm in my car and I say, you know, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

There's no air in the car. There was an atmosphere, sure. Oh, great.

[Adam Carolla]

You just dumped. You're listening to Dionne Warwick. It's summer in. In the desert.

[Giovanni]

Ah. This thing came on the radar when I almost drove off the road.

[Adam Carolla]

You were by yourself.

[Giovanni]

Just almost drove into the Bun boy. Ended it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Right in the big.

[Giovanni]

Thermometer yeah, it's gonna crash in that huge thermometer.

[Adam Carolla]

Just don't take out the mad Greek. No, that over there.

[Giovanni]

No. Yeah, yeah. Because everyone loves a $26 falafel.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's pricey. It looks like it would be cheap.

[Giovanni]

He is mad.

[Adam Carolla]

He's so mad.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mad at us for stopping at his place.

[Giovanni]

Drive another 200 miles and enjoy a reasonably priced falafel, huh? Next.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you got other options for falafel.

[Giovanni]

That's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

This is.

[Giovanni]

They know they have you over a goddamn barrel at the Mad Greek.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they can charge anything.

[Giovanni]

It's really. It's like. It's like popcorn at the theater.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you going to do, pay $72?

[Giovanni]

Go pop your own?

[Teresa Strasser]

He's cornered the market on high desert Greek food.

[Giovanni]

But you know what? He is a dude. I mean, this is one of these things, if you think about it. If you drive to Vegas, halfway to Vegas, there's this Greek place and it's the Mad Greek or the Great Greek or whatever. It's a mad Greek and it's a good example. I'm going to drive my kids there and I'm going to say to them one day, I'm going to say, hey, Sonny. And. And she'll go in Italian. I'll go, yeah, sorry. Now listen, here's what I want to say. This is Greek food in the middle of the fucking desert, right? And I go, yeah. I go, what percentage of people driving past this thing on their way to Vegas, by the way, are into Greek food? And my son's going to go, I don't know, 25%. I'm going to go now. 10%. But guess what percentage of that 10% he gets. 100%. That's all he needs to laugh. All the way to the great Greek bank, you know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Tomorrow's lesson, split pea soup.

[Giovanni]

That's right. And now to built Anderson split pea soup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You know what I mean? Because there's a million burger places all the way down, all the way down the highway. But you gotta have arguments. You get a car with four guys like Wendy's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're doing Carl's Jr. No, no, no. We're doing in and out. Nah, nah, you're getting that thing. But Greek, there could be no argument. Smaller pool, but you get a hundred percent of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to go to passive aggressive Greek. I don't want to go mad. It's only 100 more miles and it's falafel is better.

[Giovanni]

All right, you got another story. I know we're talking about. Oh, yeah. Cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Cheese. Man stole some cheese. And now on to a story about unicorn meat.

[Giovanni]

Mmm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Website called Think Greek.

[Giovanni]

That's what I named my penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Unicorn meat. Yeah, because it has a horn. Or it doesn't exist. Or girls like it. Little girls like it.

[Giovanni]

It's a conversation starter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Giovanni]

I mean, like, let's say we're at a bar, right? Hey, what's your name?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Teresa.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I know what my penis's name is. Not really unicorn me. Thanks for asking. How about another round?

[Adam Carolla]

You make me uncomfortable.

[Giovanni]

You want to know why it's called unicorn meat?

[Adam Carolla]

I really, please.

[Giovanni]

It's rarely seen in the wild.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's my boyfriend.

[Giovanni]

You see that?

[Adam Carolla]

See that tall guy over there?

[Giovanni]

Sweetie, who you kidding?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my. Really? Seriously. That's my boy.

[Giovanni]

I sized you up when you're coming in.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't take kindly to people buying.

[Giovanni]

That guy's the bouncer. Does your boyfriend have one of those clicker things that tell us how many people are in the club?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking to my friend.

[Giovanni]

All right. No, no, no. You know you want the unicorn, me. Now beg for it. Come on. I'll get you Jameson's.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, I'm in. See, I'm in.

[Giovanni]

I might have a half a Vicodin rolling around my sofa. Yeah, you look for it. I'll get behind you. Jeez.

[Adam Carolla]

I've put out for less. A website called ThinkGeek sells gag gifts, but now they're in trouble over their candy unicorn meat, which I think is actually kind of a funny gag gift. It sort of looks like Spam. It's got a little rainbow, and it's called unicorn meat. But they have a tagline, pate is passe unicorn, the new white meat. And the National Pork Board didn't think it was funny.

[Giovanni]

I thought those ACLU guys were. I mean, I thought the NAACP guys were pissed again over the black hole.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. They were upset about the greeting card. They thought it said black whore.

[Giovanni]

Carl Sagan would be so proud. Yeah. So who's pissed?

[Adam Carolla]

The National Pork Board.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The other white meat.

[Giovanni]

Good name for Tease V. It's not kosher.

[Adam Carolla]

The other white meat is pork's thing.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And so they didn't want it there. They didn't want it to be part of this gag gifts marketing king.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but listen, you gotta understand, you come up with the other white meat, and it becomes A punchline to a lot of jokes. It's sort of like, can I buy a Val? Remember when comedians were doing that all through, like, the 80s and 90s? Oh, you're gonna buy a vowel? Everyone laugh it up. It's the other. White meat was always like, sort of. Look, when you launch. When you launch something, you have to be. You have to expect that this is what's gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they were hit with a cease and desist, these Think Geek people with their unicorn meat gag gift. So they issued an apology. I think you'll like it. Sort of. Speaking of passive aggressive. Dear pig Killers, we'd like to publicly apologize to the National Pork Board for the confusion over unicorn and pork and for their awkward extended pause on the phone after we had explained our unicorn meat doesn't actually exist. It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn. In fact, Think Geek's canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity.

[Giovanni]

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a plaster mold of some vomit. Good day. And by the way, Bert, how's that cat shit coming? Thank you. Good day. I said good day.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you call your penis again?

[Giovanni]

Unicorn meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Unicorn meat.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

So is there a difference between a spin off and a sequel? And why does that matter to Michael Douglas?

[Giovanni]

Oh, I heard about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's got a lot of money riding on the difference.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Gekko.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, his ex wife wants a piece of his Wall street money. Deandra Douglas is taking the actor, is taking the actor to court. Because as part of their 2000 divorce settlement, Michael agreed to pay her earnings from projects he worked on during their 20 year marriage, including any possible spin offs.

[Giovanni]

Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Since the upcoming Wall Street 2 Money Never Sleeps is a sequel to the 1987 hit, she is demanding 50% of his paycheck and royalties from the new film. Now his lawyers insisting that a sequel is not the same thing as a spin off. So stay out of our pockets.

[Giovanni]

Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

A judge has yet to rule.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I don't know what she got. I heard she got like $45 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Something.

[Giovanni]

Something insane.

[Adam Carolla]

But he got Catherine Zeta Jones, so.

[Giovanni]

Right. So where everything's cool, let's. Let's move on. Call to life. You know what I mean? I mean, I know there's a punitive part of most this stuff, and then I also know once you gear up with lawyers, they're just the world's shittiest Bug in your ear. It's like they're. It's like if you had the devil on both shoulders. You don't even have that fucking guy playing the harp trying to tell you what the right thing to do is. I. You know, I don't even blame half these people. There's some cocksucker ambulance chasers like, you know, you're entitled to. You know. And meanwhile, they're gonna be entitled to 20% or whatever the fuck they get her. So they just put that bug, and then they just keep working it. And then they do. You know, then when she says, well, I'm fine. Well, you're fine, but how about your kids? And what if. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And before you know it, they're just fucking doing, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

We need Canadian judges.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just reasonable. Like, you know what? Look, let's not fuck around. Obviously, this Wall street thing is related to the other Wall street thing, so don't be an asshole. But 50%? A lot. So why don't you just pay her 25% and let's all go home?

[Giovanni]

Or 10%, because you got $45 million.

[Adam Carolla]

How much money do you need?

[Giovanni]

Did you go through the first 45 million? Eight years.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Come back to court when you're down to 12 million.

[Giovanni]

I'll tell you what. I'll give you one hour to round up three people that are doing better than you out of this.

[Adam Carolla]

One hour.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, One hour outside of this courtroom. You can't point in Michael, and you can't point at your attorney.

[Adam Carolla]

Not really.

[Giovanni]

One hour to fucking just run out the streets of Los Angeles, find three people, they're doing better than you. Go. And if you can't do it, I'll give you 10% because that means you don't really have problems.

[Adam Carolla]

Definitely punitive. Right?

[Giovanni]

It's. Well, look, I'm sure she's. She's pissed. And I'm sure she's bitter about. And also, Catherine Zeta Jones is so hot that it's like you have to, you know, like, if you're. If you're the jilted husband, you know, wife, like, you gotta go, that bitch stole my man. What the fuck is. And then someone shows you a picture of Catherine Zeta Jones and, like, I wonder if I could eat his puss. Eat her pussy while she was blowing him. Maybe I could make myself useful, I guess. He's right. He's right. She's hot. What are you gonna do? She's from where? What's her accent like?

[Adam Carolla]

What, Wales?

[Giovanni]

She's Classically trained, Shakespearean.

[Adam Carolla]

A tap dancer.

[Giovanni]

Famous. I'm gonna kill myself.

[Adam Carolla]

She had an Oscar.

[Giovanni]

Nah. Someone find me something sharp to fall on. Give me that swifter. I'm gonna sharpen the edge. I'll fall on it right now. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not before I eat this gallon of ice cream.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. Well, this would. I'll tell you why I don't go for this. This is going to set a precedent that's unprecedented. Like this, too. Thank you. This means every divorce from now on could just really be looked at like. Wait a minute. You know, I mean, I know they have a thing where any of your earnings we can. But this, this. Most actors who do sequels. I mean, how many actors can say they did, you know, Harrison Ford? Hey, man, you're going off and doing Indiana Jones. What the. It's been 25 years since we, you know, since we've knocked off here. But, hey, that's a nice paycheck. And I was with you when you did the first Indiana Jones. I mean, and you agreed. I agreed to get part of creative. Whatever. I mean, this is going to open up a can of worms. Yes, that.

[Adam Carolla]

Any sequel you do, but it's right there in their agreements.

[Giovanni]

Well, not only. Not only that, but I don't know. Mute musicians. You know, I don't know what happens when the Best of album comes out in 10 years or whatever. Well, it's a collection. You're reselling stuff that happened when I was around. I mean, the math of when I was around, I think you could do that. That's a Kevin Bacon, you know, six degrees kind of thing. I mean, that's. If you wanted to get creative. There's not much Michael Douglas could do that doesn't get back to her at some point. All right, well, anyway, I just. My whole thing is if you got 45 mil the first time around and I don't know what you got. I just heard it was something pretty insane. And I'm guessing if you're Michael Douglas, it would have been something pretty insane the first time around. Then just go spend it and enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, here's a reasonable, reasonable response. Probably you actually are entitled to this, but you have a shitload of money. Why don't you just try to enjoy the rest of your life?

[Giovanni]

And I would argue that you're, in the eyes of the law, entitled, but not in the eyes of God or, you know, Mother Nature or Allah, you know what I mean? Oh, man. What about those divorces? How those Middle Eastern divorces go? Tell you what. Your Honor, my client's a reasonable man. He's decided not to behead her because she's feeling and he's in a good mood. I was thinking about stoning her to death.

[Adam Carolla]

In arbitration, they decide how many fingers she can keep.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. All right. That's good. Yeah. This is awesome. Should we bring our guest in?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Missy Suicide from the suicide class.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about beating off to that earlier today.

[Adam Carolla]

But you didn't know if you should or could.

[Giovanni]

Nah, I just. I just thought. I just thought it'd be in poor form, you know? Mm. I see the Suicide Girls on. What? Are they on? Are they on? Are they on Showtime?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I didn't know about the Suicide Girls until today.

[Giovanni]

Hi. Have a seat. How are you?

[Missy Suicide]

I'm doing good.

[Giovanni]

How are you? Good. Put your headphones on and tell me about this phenomenon known as the Suicide Girls. Because I come across it. Is it on Showtime?

[Missy Suicide]

Our movie, Suicide Girls Guide to Living is currently airing on Showtime.

[Giovanni]

Well, then it is. And the show's on. Right.

[Missy Suicide]

And the.

[Giovanni]

Well, I see the Suicide Girls, like, I, you know, skip around the TV channels. I see Suicide Girls all the time.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah. We've had two movies air on Showtime so far. Our first tour that followed the girls in their first tour.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm watching. Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

And then their first burlesque tour. And then we also had Suicide Girls Italian Villa, where we took a bunch of the girls from Europe and brought them to a villa in Tuscany for a week and just filmed all the beautiful goings on.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you called Suicide Girls?

[Missy Suicide]

Because it's about girls that choose to commit social suicide. Girls that choose not to fit in.

[Giovanni]

Mm. Like you talking about with the tats and the piercings and all that stuff.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

How did it get started?

[Missy Suicide]

It got started in 2001. So we've been around for nearly 10 years now.

[Giovanni]

And are you one of the founding mothers?

[Missy Suicide]

I am. I am the founder.

[Giovanni]

How'd that go?

[Missy Suicide]

It's been great so far.

[Giovanni]

Well, obviously successful and there's a market for it. But how did the idea come to you?

[Missy Suicide]

The idea came because I thought that the girls that I knew were the most beautiful girls in the world. The girls with personality and tattoos and piercings and girls that had a little bit something different going on than just the standard cookie cutter version of beauty. And so I decided to take pinup style photos of them and create a community around it. And it's taken off. We've got over 2000 suicide girls from around the world. Every continent, including Antarctica, has a suicide girl on it.

[Giovanni]

And, and, and how does it. Who's. Who's the clientele? I mean, like, what kind of guy? For the most part, dealing with guys, it's pretty 50. 50. There's a lot of chicks in there who like. And so are we calling them lesbians?

[Missy Suicide]

I think there's a lot of straight ladies as well.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

And they log on to the website and watch, well, softcore porn?

[Missy Suicide]

No, it's like Pin Up. It's like things like Michelle type stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Except without the Nazi.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah, I don't.

[Giovanni]

I didn't really.

[Missy Suicide]

I'm not very familiar with her whole repertoire.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Missy Suicide]

I know kind of what it was like her version of what it was about, but, you know, think Bettie Page, but modern version, so.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, that's what, that's what it seemed like to me as I was watching it. I mean, I feel like it's like it's been on for a while because I must have seen the goes on tour version of it, but I haven't seen the movie. So let's talk about the movie.

[Missy Suicide]

Well, our new movie came out today. Suicide Girls Must Die. It's our reality horror movie.

[Giovanni]

Now. How do you do a reality horror movie?

[Missy Suicide]

Well, we were thinking about, you know, the girls and I were sitting down. Sawa, who's one of the director, she and I were sitting around and we were like, you know, we. We really love horror movies. We want to make a horror movie, but we can't write a horror movie script. And even if we could, the girls can't act. And so we were faced with these challenges, so we thought, why not tell them that we're gonna make another movie that's gonna be like the Italian villa where we take the girls out to a remote location, have like, you know, shoot a calendar, and instead we'll pick them off one by one and leave the other ones to think that their friends, you know, not. Not know what their friends did, whether they're, you know, alive or dead or what. What's going on and if they could be next.

[Giovanni]

And so where'd you shoot it?

[Missy Suicide]

In Maine.

[Giovanni]

That was the Italian villa.

[Missy Suicide]

Oh, no, no, no. Maine. That's the Suicide Girls Must Die.

[Giovanni]

Oh, okay. Sorry. My Italian villas mixed up. And how long was the shoot?

[Missy Suicide]

The shoot was. I think it was a week or 10 days.

[Giovanni]

And that's not very long. That's fast.

[Missy Suicide]

Well, I mean, I think after. You can't really. We weren't really hurting anybody. And so, I mean, you had to like, you know, after a few days the girls would kind of catch on. Catch on. So you had to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

So you had to pick them off.

[Giovanni]

Kind of quick, but. And to be a suicide girl. What if you don't have any tattoos?

[Missy Suicide]

It's more about personality. There are girls without tattoos.

[Giovanni]

Oh, there are. Mm. Gotta masturbate. I mean I gotta check.

[Adam Carolla]

Without piercings or tattoos.

[Missy Suicide]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

But they're, they.

[Giovanni]

I never see them.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Behind the camera.

[Missy Suicide]

No, I mean there's some that like. I'm trying to think if any of those girls on screen don't have any. There. There's a number of girls that don't have any piercings or tattoos. But they tend to be, you know, kind of alt girls anyway.

[Giovanni]

Mm hmm. I, I gotta say I haven't seen any, but I'm gonna keep looking because that's my thing.

[Missy Suicide]

No pet. No tattoos or piercings?

[Giovanni]

No, I don't like tattoos or piercings.

[Missy Suicide]

Why?

[Giovanni]

I just feel like the form is already there. I feel like it's when people stick shit on a night car, we feel like it's already there. Why are you messing around? There's some stuff that works better than others, but it's like these guys who drive the Corvettes that stick all the shit on the Corvette. The Corvette's fine. That's my feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

I mean, but you should customize. You don't believe in customizing at all? No custom car?

[Giovanni]

I never. I see. I don't think, I'm trying to think.

[Missy Suicide]

Of stock car, man.

[Giovanni]

Nah, I don't like stock cars. I'm trying to think of. I like old Japanese cars. I'm, you know, probably weirder than you think I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Stinky.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. No, I'm trying to think like. I guess what it is, is I don't think it ever got me anywhere with a woman or it helped her. Cause that's what I'm saying. I mean like, like you're pretty, you remove the nose ring, you'd still be pretty, you know, but it would be the same thing. Like I wouldn't look at you and go, oh, now I see the nose ring. Now I'm like, now I'm sold. See what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

I mean, I think that, I think it's about self expression, you know, why the girls customize their bodies.

[Giovanni]

Well, it's definitely game on. But then the other thing is too is now that it's game on and ideas to kind of, you know, you know, be non conformist. Now what do you do? Like if you're trying to kinda like, you know, once everyone gets a tattoo, then you gotta be the one without the tattoo. That's the one. That's the rebel.

[Missy Suicide]

The Alex P. Keaton.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Alex would be the rebel of the suicide girls. Like he's crazy, man. That guy won't do anything.

[Missy Suicide]

You won't get any piercings, no tattoos, nothing.

[Giovanni]

So hardcore.

[Adam Carolla]

Where did you grow up?

[Missy Suicide]

I grew up in Portland, Oregon.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good place to be a suicide girl, I would think.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah, I mean it's. It's kind of where the birth of all the suicide girls were. The. The term suicide girls comes from a Chuck Palahniuk book and he's from Portland. He's the one that wrote Fife.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God.

[Giovanni]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

In fact, I just read his book about the sex addict. God, I can't remember the name of it, but they made it into a movie that I didn't see. But it was great. And I liked Lullaby too.

[Missy Suicide]

Not Choke.

[Giovanni]

Choke.

[Teresa Strasser]

Choke.

[Missy Suicide]

Choke.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Chokes. A sex add upon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Nice. Yeah. What you learn?

[Adam Carolla]

Well here I did learn something. I learned that sex addicts have a problem when they go to their meetings because they just meet other sex addicts and then they go to the bathroom with a 12 step meeting sex in it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I mean like that would happen.

[Adam Carolla]

But doesn't it seem like that would happen? It's just a place to meet other sex addicts.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, absolutely. But I mean that's, that's. I mean you can't bring a pony keg into an AA meeting. Learn the hard way. But the sex addict thing, I mean, that is something you can't like leave.

[Adam Carolla]

Your vagina in the car. You have to bring it.

[Giovanni]

No, I know Quincy Jones puts that over the door. Check your vag in the car, but you can't do it. And you're who you are. And by the way, you ain't there because you're cured. You're there because you got some issues.

[Adam Carolla]

Working on it.

[Giovanni]

You're working on it.

[Missy Suicide]

Maybe group therapy isn't the best for the sex app.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

You may be one, but I know, I do know people who, and I think this is part of the therapeutic process, but they get kind of a crush on their therapist. So even one on one therapy probably just end up having sex with your therapist.

[Giovanni]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

From time to time.

[Giovanni]

I've never had a therapist come on to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Me either.

[Giovanni]

None of those dudes wanted any of this. Kind of frustrated, you know, as a therapist, you know, most of the people I just Thought of this. This is why I'd be a great therapist and great dad. The therapist.

[Adam Carolla]

What's your daughter's name?

[Giovanni]

Cindy. I don't know what. I check her ID when she comes in the house. It's like, hey, you. Hey, sweetie. I call her sweetie. The point is, this therapist, so much of it is about self esteem and about what these people have gone through. And it's like issues involving their self worth and stuff like that. I'll bet you coming on to a patient actually make them feel pretty good about themselves. So as a. As a sex therapist or even just a therapist therapist, like, my policy just to try to repair the person's torn psyche would be they sit down like Teresa. Like you sat down. Let's face it, I know how fucked up you are. If we sat together for five years, there would be a little part of your brain going, why my therapist never come on to me? I'm unattractive, Something wrong with me. So just the first time you sit down, like, hello, I'm Dr. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, doctor.

[Giovanni]

Skirt looks good on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much.

[Giovanni]

You blaming your parents?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Would you blame me if I sat next to you? You know what I mean? And then you just go. And then you just go. I feel this inappropriate. And I go, you're right. You're right. But I'm sorry. You're so attractive. It's really. I. I have never done that with a patient before. But your magnetism, you know, like Catherine Cedar Jones, I couldn't. Anyway, let's move forward. You feel pretty good about yourself for the rest of the thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think. Wow. He. He had to go around his professional boundaries to hit on me because I was that appealing.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then my self esteem would be cured. And I wouldn't have to go back to you, though.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you make your scratch?

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, that's a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta keep your clients.

[Giovanni]

Oh, easy. I charge 10 grand for one session. Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you're cured.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Then you're cured. Yeah. I'll leave it up to you. You wanna do 100 bucks a pop for the rest of your life? You're gonna shell up ten grand?

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a sign? Girl, upstance on therapy? Are you pro?

[Missy Suicide]

I'm pro therapy. Yeah. Big fan, big fan, Big fan.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we all like therapists. Even if they don't show us the quiet dignity of trying to fuck us. At least a blow job. Come on, buddy, you know what I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've never, never been hit on.

[Missy Suicide]

My therapists have never Hit on me either.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, what the fuck? Maybe they're and. But not to mention my dentist.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing.

[Giovanni]

Nothing. Not even a handy.

[Adam Carolla]

Any medical doctors?

[Giovanni]

Nothing. It's really. I'm starting to get a complex.

[Missy Suicide]

Don't you have to go to the doctor that makes you, you know, cough? Try burning cough.

[Giovanni]

Well, yeah. Some old guy touching your balls for a high school football physical hardly counts as a sexual encounter. Even though it felt good, of course. And I did come.

[Missy Suicide]

Did he tell you that you were attractive?

[Giovanni]

They always do the turn your head and cough. And I was always figuring out like what's turning your head is to do flex muscles in your chest or do something.

[Adam Carolla]

What does that have to do with it?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I figured out a certain point. So you don't cough on their bald head.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Giovanni]

Because otherwise you stare down at the guy and his bald head at your balls and you go and you just cough on his head. Turn your head and cough is put your head up and move it the other way and then cough.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. The coughing probably has some purpose, but not the turn your head part.

[Giovanni]

I gotta believe the coughing serves on purpose. Otherwise they're insane because they're really like masochists. They'd go vomit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I like to fart. All right, should we do a little made up movie? Sure, yeah. Brian, you have ourselves an intro here.

[Teresa Strasser]

According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, in.

[Giovanni]

The year 2010, a hero would rise.

[Teresa Strasser]

To turn your movie titles into blockbusters.

[Giovanni]

Glad that's not me. Glad that ain't me.

[Teresa Strasser]

That hero is Adam Corolla.

[Giovanni]

Boy, that could be me. And this is made up movie. All right, here's how this works. You call in, you throw out a title, we all just jump on it, do a little gang bangin and figure out what the movie is. I'll tell you, we've been pretty successful in the past. Come up some stuff that's. Listen, it's right up there with a night at the museum. A lot of these premises, very strong. Hey, Spencer. Yeah, Adam, what's up? What's going on? Spencer? Get it on. Get it on, buddy. Just want to say, you know, love the podcast of the new show, of the new format. I've turned two of my best friends onto it. They love you. I'm so glad you brought that up, Spencer. That's all we ask. We'll do it for free. Just turn on a couple buddies to it and let's. Let's build our numbers. Absolutely. All right, so you want to know my movie title? Sure. Neighborhood Watch. Neighborhood Watch. All right. This definitely. This a comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got to be a double entendre, right? Is it about an actual.

[Giovanni]

No, no. I think, I think this one. I think this one's just on the head. This is one of those. And, well, someone like Phil Hartman, he would have been good for this. Oh, maybe we go Schwarzenegger, he comes out. He comes out of his dormant acting phase and of course they're neighbors and it becomes this, oh, let's get Tom Arnold in on this, baby. We'll get him in on it. And here's the deal. They are doing one of those it's wacky sort of hijinks. It's neighborhood watch. There's. There's. Of course, some of the guys are really gung ho, other guys are really laid back, but. Oh, oh, now I got it. It's just an excuse so these guys can get out of the house and play cards.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, because their wives are shrews.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. And their wives are shrews and harpies and they're like Michael Douglas first wife. And they gotta get out of that. So it's like, oh, honey, I wish I could stay home and watch. Watch Desperate Housewives with you, but I have to go train with them. Whatever. So they train and they lead everyone to believe that they have rankings and they have jackets made up. They lead everyone to believe that they've been training the whole time, but really they've been sitting around drinking beer and playing cards the whole time. And then the terrorists invade and they are totally untrained. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. But everyone's thinking it's like, oh, thank God we have a well armed militia who's been working on this stuff for the last five years. Like, oh, God, I don't know what's going on. They're parachuting down like Red Dawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now this is a comedy, right? So there has to be the hilarious scene where they're at the firing range and it's just a disaster. Like accidentally shooting the light fixture, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but ricocheting off. Some woman is smoking a cigarette in the parking lot and takes it out like a whip, you know? And then there's that I was also seeing too, where it's like they've been claiming that they've been building a shelter in the back of Tom Arnold's house the whole time. Like, oh, man, it's tiring. We have to dig it. We have to stock it with food and, you know, water supply. You don't want to know. And Then a certain meanwhile, they've been playing cards the whole time. So at a certain point when the terrorists land, the wives are like, hey, well, let's go. We'll go take shelter. We'll go down the. Down in the backyard. And the terrorist leader is some highly decorated general from over there, but he.

[Teresa Strasser]

Keeps getting outwitted, unintentionally by their.

[Adam Carolla]

And he thinks they're tactical geniuses, but really it's just dumb luck. And by the way, can you have a movie about bumbling law enforcement agents without Kevin James?

[Giovanni]

No, that's the law. It's Paul Blart meets Red Dawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I mean, if I. If I was describing it, yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

He could go with, you know, more on the nose and have, like, an Ice Cube character.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody ethic. Gotta be ethic.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what about Craig Robinson? He's hot right now.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, he's funny. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, he's married to an Asian broad who never stops. Never stops ordering around. Always order him around.

[Teresa Strasser]

You find out halfway through the movie.

[Giovanni]

She was.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's a knives expert. She was a knife thrower.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's what happens. The ladies buck up.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're.

[Giovanni]

The ones we don't know is they've been meeting while the guys were meeting and they weren't playing cards. Yeah, they were training.

[Adam Carolla]

And Kevin James, X. Y. Our wife used to be a gymnast.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she has all kind of moves.

[Missy Suicide]

Maybe they've been doing some kind of stripper pole training.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what suburban wives do.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So they have. They're very flexible.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Alan Rickman plays.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Rickman plays. Yeah. And by the way, the terrorists are not Muslim. They're just, you know, basic blonde terrorists you see every day. Mercenaries. Highly trained, supposedly moderately trained mercenaries. Or the poorly trained mercenaries. They're clearly poorly trained mercenaries. All right, Spencer. Yeah. You cool with that? I loved it. Thanks, buddy. Good times. Thanks for spreading the word. All right, let's just go down the line. Jesus. Hello? Ace, man. What's going on? Jesus. Oh, man, I'm a big, big fan. Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I show everybody I work to hear.

[Giovanni]

Listening to you, and I want to thank you for putting some money and.

[Teresa Strasser]

Time into this program.

[Giovanni]

Our pleasure. T. I'm scared to say this in.

[Teresa Strasser]

Front of my wife, but you're very beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

And the guest, Big, big fan with the guest. Like the Suicide Girls.

[Missy Suicide]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. All right. What do you got for us?

[Teresa Strasser]

Mexican American ninja.

[Giovanni]

All right, first, I see. I see Carlos Mencia. Really it was a breakout role for him. And, you know, it's got a little Karate Karate Kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

If they can train Jaden Smith.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Karate Kid, Meet Stan and Deliver.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I like that. You get a little neighborhood kid who doesn't have a father figure, and kids beat him up. And he needs the Mexican American ninja to train him. Which, by the way, is, man, the.

[Teresa Strasser]

Kid from Modern Family.

[Giovanni]

Modern Family, yeah. The chubby. Yeah, chubby Hispanic kid in the role of a lifetime. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Training montage where this jogging and losing weight.

[Giovanni]

Well, but here's the whole thing. It's got a whole Mexican spin on it, you know what I mean? So, like, they practice chasing the lunch truck. You know, that's a road work. You know what I mean? It's all. It's derogatory, don't get me wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Very derogatory. So instead of wax on, wax off, they're doing, like, gardening.

[Giovanni]

Well, well, they're. They're doing it. No, they're doing wax on, wax off. But as they widen the shot, we see it's a low rider car. You know what I mean? It's that kind of. That kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna get picketed by a lot of groups, and they're gonna be pissed off at Carlos Mencia.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sellout.

[Giovanni]

And there's like a scene where they go down to the beach to practice on one of those pylons and one of the Minutemen comes running out with a shotgun. Running away. Yeah, the critics are gonna hate this. Yeah, it's gonna make a ton of money. You hire Robert Rodriguez to direct. It's a whole Hispanic, like, you know, cast and crew. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and here's something that's never been done in a Hispanic themed movie. We play that song Low Rider. What? Oh, they never, never happen. Never, never, ever, ever.

[Missy Suicide]

Cheech and Sean need to make it. Make an appearance.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, they show up. Oh, wait a minute. Chong is in drag. They are an elderly couple. An elderly Hispanic couple. Yeah, they're the grandparents.

[Missy Suicide]

I'm Alita.

[Giovanni]

Does anyone like. Like, if I'm directing Carlos Vinci and his next stand up special, like, hey, I pulled some music for the promos. If I hear this song, I'm like, everyone's fired. If I fucking hear Low Rider, I will fire everyone's ass in this room. Because that means you don't have a fucking drop of creative blood coursing through your collective goddamn pain.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is so have to be played.

[Giovanni]

Over every fucking Hispanic scene. Everything. You know what, Brian, Write this down. I'M gonna write a Mexican theme song just so I can get some fucking airplay for movies and promos. While you're at it, why don't you.

[Adam Carolla]

Come up with a song that's sung on someone's birthday?

[Giovanni]

Oh, Joey, that's a good idea. George Lopez has another special coming out on hbo. Let me guess what song's gonna be playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it klezmer music?

[Giovanni]

Oh, Riding the Valkyrinis.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait a minute. What?

[Giovanni]

All right. So fucked out. Anyway, we're gonna play this on a loop. Entire movie, non stop, never gonna end. Jesus. No, I think we lost him. These Mexicans gotta pay their phone bills and drop all the time. That's gonna be another joke in the movie. Another joke. Another stereotype. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Every throw hit the paper.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. So it's funny. Yeah. And there's like a. Yeah, lots of stinks where he has to take on guys by the freeway swinging orange sacks at him. It's all stereotypical Mexican stuff.

[Missy Suicide]

Could they be in Arizona? And there could be, like, a carding thing.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. Well, the All Valley finale takes place in Tucson. Yeah. Has to go there. And they get pulled over with no id and Sheriff Piakala, or whatever his name is, he plays himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he does a cameo.

[Giovanni]

He does a cameo. Yeah. They get pulled over, they get tempted to port him. They have to break out of tent city. It's gonna be exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

So it has political tone.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. Oh, they're taking. They're making. They're definitely sending a message to the fat cats in Washington. Yeah. Hey, Jesus. Yes, sir. Yeah. You cool with this? Yeah, man. That was funny, man. Great stuff. The MNC is gonna be awesome in this.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a hit.

[Giovanni]

Thanks. You smoke a little weed? Jesus. Oh, you could tell. Yeah, I can always tell. No, I did that on purpose. I always know you could tell with the last. Ah. Thanks, buddy.

[Teresa Strasser]

No problem.

[Giovanni]

Let's try another one. Let's just go to line three. We'll just go down the line. What do we got, Matt? Hey. Hey, guys. What you got, Matt?

[Teresa Strasser]

Movie title, Cold Snap.

[Giovanni]

Mm. I see this as more of a thriller. We're working a lot of comedy here, but I think this is more of a thriller. And I see this as one of those depressing, very well made. Like when. Oh, man, what is her name? Charlize Theron. Makes herself ugly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

One of those movies.

[Missy Suicide]

Monster.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So do you want her to star in Cold Snap?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she puts on a couple of pounds. She plays a Minnesota housewife.

[Missy Suicide]

The fake teeth.

[Giovanni]

Fake teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

That's Right. That's right. She's married to Alec Baldwin. Is sort of semi abusive older husband. And she's real.

[Teresa Strasser]

Coffee's for closers only.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's what he starts off with. And it takes place in the coldest winter in the last 80 years.

[Adam Carolla]

And she starts to suspect something's going on with Alec.

[Giovanni]

Mm. Mm. Suspects he's a successful realtor and she thinks he's having an affair.

[Adam Carolla]

But she comes to find out there's something far more sinister going on.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

It takes brass balls to sell real estate.

[Giovanni]

Mm. Finds out there's a plot.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. She's just following him, thinking she's gonna catch him with some, you know, some gal.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But instead she realizes that there's international espionage.

[Giovanni]

He shows people houses and then never return. She's like, ooh, this me bring it home is delicious.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

They're eating his clients.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

That's right. See now like motel hell.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Or we could go an entirely different direction.

[Giovanni]

Now it's too late. All right, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we should and can turn back. All right, let's try and save Cold Snap.

[Giovanni]

But now this idea has to be an 11. Now to undo the three.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I can undo the three. The five.

[Giovanni]

All right, let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Which I think this is gonna be a solid five. Okay. Now this is a documentary that you just.

[Giovanni]

Clients. Oh, you're getting rid of Charlize.

[Adam Carolla]

Her. She's out. I did not go anywhere.

[Giovanni]

Wow. She put on £40 and now it's done. Wow. All right, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Documentary thinking she's pregnant. It's a documentary about a group of teenagers and let's just say they're like in the Republic of Georgia and they've discovered American beat poetry and they're obsessed with it. It's all they think about. It's all they talk about. They wear berets and they, you know, because they snap.

[Giovanni]

Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's cold.

[Giovanni]

So I think they're like Jack Kerouac.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But they're like 15 or 16 and they just latched onto this piece of American culture and it explores what that generation of poets are.

[Giovanni]

And it's funny because they're like, he is like Squiresville daddy. O.

[Adam Carolla]

That's in the trailer.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Whoa, mama, you're bringing me down.

[Adam Carolla]

From the director of Spellbound comes Cold Snap.

[Giovanni]

Right, right. And they're, they're singing Bob Dylan songs. How many miles must the man walk in snow? Like, yeah, they're. They're playing Bongos and stuff like that. They're doing Peter, Paul, Mary.

[Adam Carolla]

They're completely poverty stricken. It's freezing.

[Giovanni]

The answer, my friend. She's blowing in Zuin like that kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Giovanni]

All right. Drinking, drinking fresh ground coffee.

[Adam Carolla]

Because their country is also undergoing very, you know, a rebel youth revolution.

[Giovanni]

How about a hockey comedy starring Taylor Lautner?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's hot.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, can Charlize Theron play his mom?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because she already gained the weight.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. All right, let's do. Let's do one more. Let's go back up to the top and speak to Duncan. Duncan. Hey, Adam. What's going on, Duncan? Not a whole lot. Good to finally get on the show. Great to talk. You calling from Chicago? I am, yeah. Just out there a few weeks back. Yeah, you gotta make sure you come back. I was in Milwaukee for that show. Well, if they told me you were gonna be in Milwaukee, I would have rescheduled. But I thought you were in town. Says Duncan from Chicago. So what's up, Duncan?

[Teresa Strasser]

Not a whole lot.

[Giovanni]

The movie title is Hell's Waiting Room. Rob Zombie directs.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, this is your genre.

[Missy Suicide]

This is my genre now. All right. Hell's Waiting Room.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how you guys can there be hot.

[Giovanni]

This is your genre.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, let's put in some hot tennis style girls. Yeah, hot girls go with what you know, right? Tattoos and piercings.

[Missy Suicide]

Maybe some zombies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, maybe they. The hot girls are the zombies.

[Giovanni]

Mm. Hell's Waiting Room. Mm.

[Missy Suicide]

They're doing some kind of tattoo waiting room. I don't know. I'm really bad at this whole thing.

[Giovanni]

All right. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I think we're onto something here. All right, you have it, I think from Dusk till Dawn with George Clooney. And I think how that bar was really just sort of, you know, it was just sort of Hell's Doorstep, really. So how about we take that theme, but we bring it to a tattoo parlor? And so it's a tattoo parlor, but it's really, when they pull back, you see it's just an entry into hell and everyone is waiting there. What goes on back? You don't want to know what goes on back in the. In the. Behind the curtain.

[Missy Suicide]

In the back.

[Giovanni]

Back behind the. Yeah, in the back. Back room of the tattoo parlor. So. All right, so we. So far, all we got is Rob Zombie directing.

[Missy Suicide]

I hot tattoo artist girls, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

In the tattoo room.

[Giovanni]

Megan Fox is the lead tattooist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I like that.

[Missy Suicide]

Now maybe Diablo Cody could write it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she knows ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I like that.

[Giovanni]

And Megan is completely covered in tats, but hot.

[Adam Carolla]

And the dialogue would be extra snappy because of that Juno style writing.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. And then there's like. And there's that. She's snappy and funny and she's ultra sexy, you know? And she's like, do you have tattoos everywhere? And she's like, not everywhere. There's one spot I don't. Let's see if you can find it. Yeah. Mm. Let's see if your fleshy tattoo pen can find. Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

And that's the key to getting out of hell's waiting room or something. You have to find the.

[Giovanni]

Who else is in this? Well, let's get Charlize Theron back in.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we get her? She drops the £40.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Gets back in. Now, are all the tattoo artists women?

[Missy Suicide]

I think they should all be sexy girls. Sexy girls that are really zombies or should they really be vampires? Vampires are.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to cast as, like, sort of the queen bee, Susan Sarandon. She's like the original Suicide girl.

[Missy Suicide]

That's a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Because she's hot.

[Missy Suicide]

She's totally hot. She was in Rocky Horror, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect.

[Giovanni]

Same outfit. Same outfit.

[Missy Suicide]

Same outfit from Rocky Horror.

[Giovanni]

And here's the thing that's weird with her. Not a tat on her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

She's like one of these coke dealers who's never tried coke. It's ironic.

[Missy Suicide]

It's a business deal.

[Giovanni]

It's funny that it's her. Her name's on the place and everything, but she's. She's. She's Rosie. She's the number one tattoo artist in America. Not so much. Doesn't even wear nail polish. Everyone thinks it's funny. It's ironic. Nothing? Nothing. It's pure business for her.

[Missy Suicide]

She's right up your alley.

[Giovanni]

But what happens? Yeah, Straight edge.

[Adam Carolla]

But what happens in hell's waiting room? I mean, isn't that a place where they decide whether or not you go to hell?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. All right, well, then what happens? Someone pulls a plug in the projector. Come on.

[Missy Suicide]

Okay, so you're in hell's waiting room. You have to get out. Somebody accidentally ends up in hell's waiting room.

[Adam Carolla]

But they didn't do anything wrong.

[Giovanni]

Reese Witherspoon did nothing.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And suddenly she ends up there.

[Giovanni]

She was in a standing she. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. Her Miata broke down when she was driving through wine country and got picked up by a bunch of Heschers in a van who just robbed a liquor store. And when the van Went off the cliff into the drink. They mistakenly just took everyone in the van. Yeah, they must have. Yeah, she shouldn't. She shouldn't be there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth. Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

Reese is disgusted and it's kind of like defending your life.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Oh, I like that movie. This is damn exciting stuff. All right, let's go out on top with a defending your life analogy, or at least comparison. You got. You got an out first Ball Bryant.

[Teresa Strasser]

Adam Corolla will return in made up movie Part two.

[Giovanni]

All right, maybe I took one too many. Let's be honest, T bone. Yeah, you got some. I got the rest of the news fired up for us.

[Teresa Strasser]

And now the rest of the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that we're on the subject of tattoos, Jon Gosselin wants to make a change in his life. According to Radar Online, Jon has hired a new manager, a new life coach, and he's gotten a huge tattoo of a dragon on his back that's gonna.

[Giovanni]

Make all the difference in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

He says, I have planned this tattoo for years now.

[Giovanni]

That makes him even dumber.

[Missy Suicide]

He's gonna be infinitely more employable now.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, if he just told me he was drunk and he did something dumb in Vegas, I'd be much, much bigger fan of it. But this is planning your dragon tattoo should not be for years. It should be on your calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wanted something that resembled a rebirth or a change in me. He adds that his eight children love it and think. Think it's cool.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. How about his ged?

[Adam Carolla]

I heard a rumor that planning that.

[Missy Suicide]

That he has his girlfriend's name by it too, which is the dragon. Dragon by the dragon. Ellen, or whatever his girlfriend. 23 year old girlfriend's name is. Which is always a brilliant move to get your girlfriend's name tattooed on you.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Never goes wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It seemed like when you tattoo the wedding ring, that's always the case of death too.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Just seems like an imbecile, doesn't he? It's like a doofus. And by the way, that's not a fair fight when you take the doofus dude and you hook him up with a super smart but bitchy chick. Like, I don't want to say super smart, but I mean is she's sort of evil and bitchy and smarter than he is and cunning and has sort of a sharp tongue and he's just like a durr. I'm planning a dragon tattoo and he's like, what are you doing this weekend, John? Planning my dragon tattoo. Jesus. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been doing it for years.

[Giovanni]

It's 04. When are you getting that thing? Slow down. You don't rush into a dragon tattoo. You know what? You don't go headlong into a dragon tattoo. You take your time. You strike when the tattoo artist is least expecting it. I've been playing this thing since my sophomore year in high school. Like she's dealing with a doofus like that. No wonder she just kicked his ass all the time.

[Missy Suicide]

And you would think that. I mean, we're looking at a picture of it right now, and it's just not. Not that color. It's not colorful.

[Giovanni]

It's not. He could be a suicide dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's got a tattoo.

[Missy Suicide]

He's pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

He has committed social suicide.

[Missy Suicide]

He has by.

[Giovanni]

And he has some sort of scroll that's coming off the bottom of the tattoo. Maybe that's where he has. His lady's name is a tattoo. I feel like the dragon has a. Like a. A. Like a menu or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, if he tattoos a deep saying in a foreign language, he's obviously smarter than we think, because only smart people do that to show off.

[Giovanni]

Oh, he's a doofus. God, those kids should just pray they're dumb. There's a good chance they're going to be evil and dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're right. They've got both.

[Giovanni]

They could get both. Yeah. Such a. He's just such a d. Isn't he Hired a new life coach. It'd be awesome being his life coach. I'd be a great life coach. Once I sussed him out as being an imbecile with money, I'd be like, all right, what are we gonna work on today? I'll tell you what. You need discipline, and you need movement. How about you grab me a beer? But we just worked on that last weekend. Don't argue with the life coach, dragon boy. Now give me a beer. And this time, make sure it's called Chap. Chap. Hired your life coach implies fired the old life coach. How are you handling that? Conversation went, listen, mannequin that I pulled out of a dumpster. You're just not conversational enough for me. I'm gonna have to let you go. Don't just sit there. See, that's the problem. Oh, get out of my face. All right, we'll make love one more time. That's probably how it goes.

[Missy Suicide]

See, he seems like it'd be easy to trick, though, with your. Your previous therapist.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Would you like to have sex, John? All Right? Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

You're a very attractive man, John.

[Giovanni]

I'd be a great life coach. Now you're gonna learn about melting cheese by making me fondue.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how you learn tenacity? Vacuuming.

[Giovanni]

All right, now, for the next five hours, we're gonna plant our dragon tattoos in silence. I'll be in the room watching.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a sketch pad.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna watch the World cup in the next game. Sketch out your next rendering for a dragon tattoo. All right, that'll be $500. I'll see you next Wednesday.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, we should probably start meeting two, three times a week.

[Giovanni]

Three times a week.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the kind of life coach I am.

[Giovanni]

You know what? Grab me another Michelob Ultra. Let me think about when we should plan our next meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what a life coach drinks.

[Giovanni]

Sure. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I want my life coach drinking or something.

[Giovanni]

Mickey D. Well, I want a beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait.

[Missy Suicide]

What does the most interesting man in the world drink?

[Giovanni]

Well, he drinks Dos Equi, but, I mean, I guess I could drink a Dos Equis. I'm not gonna drink a malt liquor or Mickey's big mouth or something like that. You know what I mean? Because that's a tell. They ain't that much of a life coach.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Giovanni]

And if you drive a shitty car, you should park it down the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. If you're a life coach, you can park.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, if you're just starting out with your business, you have to, you know, rent a BMW.

[Giovanni]

You know, things we rent, like a Cadillac or BMW. Think you're doing good?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just to show that your life is going well right now. Missy, I don't know if you shoplifted when you were a teenager.

[Missy Suicide]

I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't? This is a story. See, I would think teenage shoplifting would be, you know, it.

[Missy Suicide]

I mean, a lot of the girls. I don't know if a lot of the girls did, but it's not beyond the pale. I had caught shoplifters when I worked at Urban Outfitters.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Giovanni]

That's got to be uncomfortable. Yeah, I'm unconfrontational. I wouldn't be good at things.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah. It was the homeless people that would stumble in, and that would be the. That was the most uncomfortable because.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, because they're, you know, they're down in a lock. So, like, hey, see that black guy rolling that wheel of cheese? Yeah. He's got a hoodie. You gotta go stop him. It's like that kind of Thing. Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

And they didn't. Urban Outfitters doesn't employ security guards or anything. So it was like you, like the. The team manager had to go, you know, floor manager shift.

[Giovanni]

Were you that.

[Missy Suicide]

I. I didn't make it. My. My urban fitters career was not so illustrious.

[Giovanni]

But they would tell you, go do my bidding for me.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah, but I'd have to go, did you have to get the hobo from that?

[Giovanni]

Did you have a tattoo and a piercing?

[Missy Suicide]

I did have Pierce.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. See that? The dialect. She doesn't care.

[Missy Suicide]

They're like men.

[Giovanni]

She likes pain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Missy Suicide]

She deals with the. The.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she's hardcore.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Plus they're gonna think she's cool. You know what I mean? She's keeping it real.

[Missy Suicide]

They didn't think I was so cool.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Missy Suicide]

The hobos didn't think.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you when you got your first tattoo and. Or piercing?

[Missy Suicide]

My first piercing, I was 15.

[Giovanni]

Stepdad not a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

No. He didn't care for it.

[Giovanni]

No, he did not.

[Missy Suicide]

My parents are still married.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Wow. And your dad doesn't mind the fact that there's a stepdad floating around there? Parents still together. Wow. I like that. How do they feel about the whole Suicide girl thing?

[Missy Suicide]

At first, they were not the biggest fans about it, but they've started to come around. They appreciate it now. They've seen that I'm not completely fucking up my life.

[Giovanni]

I like their story. For once, it just went. They were in love with the notion of it, but as the years wore on, they learned to hate it because it's always the other way around.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. At first, they didn't know what to make of it. They were concerned.

[Missy Suicide]

I think if you were. Like, if. If you were a failure, like if you did something and you failed at it. And my life went into a downward spiral, and all of a sudden I was a junkie, like.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Stealing from urban outfits.

[Adam Carolla]

This is an industry.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a website, movies, a show.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. So there you go. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I bring up shoplifting because a 15 year old in St. Paul, Minnesota, went to Kmart and stole 44 pairs of underwear. She put them in a tote bag and walked out without paying.

[Giovanni]

That was one of those things where she put them on, like, stuff, you know, you go back and you put a couple on and then you walk out, but 44 pairs.

[Adam Carolla]

44 pairs in her tote bag. And when, you know they have to wait for you to leave the store.

[Missy Suicide]

I guess you have to actually be walking out of the threshold before you can Actually stop them.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Missy Suicide]

Because they could be going to the. They could be going to the cash rep.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. She could have been planning to pay for these 45 pairs of panties in her tote bag. When police caught up with her, they asked her why she did it. Her response, do you expect me to wear dirty underwear?

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess she just didn't. You know, when you run out of underwear, that's when you have to do Kids got moxie. Yeah. I like her attitude.

[Giovanni]

44 pairs, though.

[Missy Suicide]

That's quite a lot.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

What is she doing with those underwear that they get so dirty that she needs 44 pairs?

[Adam Carolla]

She might have just been a compulsive shoplifter. It didn't really matter what's going on?

[Giovanni]

Could be heavy flow day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you just think, I'll just replace these.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Ain't worth it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if you guys would care to read Rob Lowe's memoir, but it's coming out whether you like it or not.

[Giovanni]

Oh, finally.

[Adam Carolla]

The 46 year old actor who recently left the ABC series Brothers and Sisters will release Stories I Only tell my friends in May 2011.

[Giovanni]

How can you leave that series? I just feel like. I don't know why, but I have to feel like everyone who's on that show is just lucky to be there. Like feeling like, eh, we're not that good.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, if Sally.

[Giovanni]

But we keep getting picked up.

[Adam Carolla]

If Sally feels doesn't quit, then maybe I should probably hang out till we get canceled.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Where are you going, Rob?

[Adam Carolla]

Rob Lowe discusses to the bookstore. He discusses his experiences as an actor and a father. The president of the publishing company describes it as a mid career meditation on his four decades as an actor.

[Giovanni]

I don't like that. Four decades of an actor when you're in your 40s, you know, I mean, like, it's a weird math. None of this should start until 15. You shouldn't be able to do it because they do this thing where you go, yeah, I've been acting for 37 years. You go, but you're 39. I know, but I did regional. I got. I played the part of a cactus when I was 18 months old and I. All right, so you're. You. You were held as a baby on camera. I don't count that. You have to know what's going on for you to begin your career.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Missy Suicide]

Snowflake in the school play.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That doesn't count if you were a.

[Adam Carolla]

Baby model like Brooke Shields. Yeah, I'm not gonna count that.

[Giovanni]

No, Your career starts when you lose your virginity to a producer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's when it begins.

[Giovanni]

That's it. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we had the Bachelor Jake on our show, and it seemed like everything was fine with him. He's totally happy. He was in love. Now not only has he broken up with Vienna, but some people are talking a lot of shit about him.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This guy, Paul Rosso, who appeared on season four of the Bachelorette, that's the Deanna Pappas season, tells Radar Online that he always felt Jake may have been playing for the other team. He says, I definitely think he has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses, but also because he didn't want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. And then he adds, nothing personal, Jake. Oh, you just accused me of being gay.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Missy Suicide]

Who asked him in the first place?

[Adam Carolla]

Radar Online.

[Giovanni]

Well, let me ask this. He was accused by Vienna for, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, of not wanting to be intimate.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he said he was fasting and he was tired and he had a lot of excuses.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Missy Suicide]

Does she have kind of a wonky eye, though?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, she does creep me out a little. But, you know, that's what doggies for, baby. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We should have had that conversation with Jake when he was here. You could have schooled. We were too busy talking about his being a pilot.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, let's really. Let's break down Jake for a second. Second. I would definitely. I could definitely check the gay box if I didn't know the guy or anything like that. I don't know. But what I mean is, if someone just showed me a picture and said, do you think this guy looks gay? I'd go, yes. He has all the. You know, it says that sort of short compact, stays in shape, you know, Dancing with the Stars. I mean. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, no, but just run around his underpants. Wouldn't have sex with the hot chick on the first Bachelor. Then he went in and ratted out the other dude. Remember that one?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't actually watch the series.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, I just heard Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Brian's a big fan.

[Giovanni]

It was pretty moving episode.

[Adam Carolla]

He only liked seasons one through four.

[Giovanni]

It was. It was. It was a 41 minute, 27 second minute into episode eight of season seven where Jake went in and confronted the Bachelorette and her new beau in a hotel room. And like, dude, are you gay? Said he had a girlfriend. Did kind of go against the dude code.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And what gays.

[Giovanni]

The gays don't. They don't have to hang with the dude code, do they? I think they do, yeah. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Code's a code.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Tell that to Switzerland. Do you know what I mean? I think they're neutral.

[Adam Carolla]

They're neutral, yeah. Yeah. In war.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you think the gays are like Switzerland?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, maybe worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Good chocolate.

[Giovanni]

Clean but uninvolved. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Another unidentified contestant in this case says, jake always struck me as a phony. He never was really himself. He was always trying and trying and trying to impress.

[Giovanni]

Well, doesn't it. Do you have to add the third try to say this about Jake. Is it a little weird when you find out that these guys want to be actors? And now it starts to bring other things into question. Like first you go, I'm so naive. But I mean, it's like, oh, he just wants to meet the love of his life. And then you hear he wanted to be an actor. And now it's kind of like, what's going on? And he seems. Seems very nice guy. We had him on this show. But whatever that quality you need for an actor, he doesn't have that. And you guys ever meet people that are just tinny and sort of hollow and they don't seem substantial? It'd be like the exact opposite of Alec Baldwin. When you meet Alec Baldwin, you go, I can't believe this guy's not president. Like, yes. Like, you go, there's so much there versus that person. We just kind of knock on him and it sounds hollow. Jake has a little of that. And listen, there's plenty of room in the world for these guys to see and stuff. No, he's a nice looking sort of. You get the idea that he's going to give you the answer you want to hear. He's going to play it how you want. You know, there's something unsubstantial.

[Missy Suicide]

He's not going to pull anything out that you're not expecting.

[Giovanni]

Right. And he's gonna. And he's sweet and he's the nicest guy in the world, but I don't think those are the qualities that would make a good actor.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And clearly he went on the show to further his career.

[Missy Suicide]

If he's a blank canvas. Oh, there's that, you know, like actors are supposed to be blank canvases and he can take on any role, but if there's no. I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know, but I feel like he's a blank canvas that the paint would roll off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Meryl Streep's blank canvas that can take on accents and personalities.

[Giovanni]

Jake's.

[Missy Suicide]

Yeah, he's blink.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like the Scabula Rasa.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, Nice guy. Wish him well. And look, these two shouldn't have gotten married. And this is ridiculous, this nonsense about everyone meeting on a show and doing all this and the fact that we're that into it. And by the way, does anyone really care?

[Missy Suicide]

I did see Trista and Ryan at Legoland. They were really together.

[Adam Carolla]

They're really a couple. They got a couple kids.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they're the only one. And ironically, weren't they the first or second one?

[Adam Carolla]

They were the first.

[Missy Suicide]

First Bachelorette, I think.

[Giovanni]

How insane. I mean, it's really. This is like you sitting down to play blackjack, getting blackjack, announcing the world. This is the easiest game in the world. And 10,000 hands later of 13, you go, Jesus Christ, what's going on here? Like, the idea that the first one is, like, really the only one that ever made it out of, what, now, 10, 11 seasons? It's one of the seasons.

[Adam Carolla]

You throw in the Bachelor and the Bachelorettes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Missy Suicide]

I mean, it's two seasons. A year. Two seasons.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Well, listen, I don't watch the show, so. What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

At least Trista and Ryan had a happy end and they ended up at Legoland.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I will end there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Teresa Strasser and the news, you CNN.

[Giovanni]

Missy Suicide is our guest. She's got some DVDs I think we're gonna give Ryan and Tim and Fried Freed.

[Teresa Strasser]

Fried.

[Giovanni]

Fried. All right. That's his name. Fried Joe. Oh, Fried Joe. Oh, it's got a last name. Yeah, Fried Joe is. They're all going to win themselves or at least get themselves a copy of the dvd Suicide Girls Must Die. It is out yesterday. Yes. Did I get that right? Missy Suicide. I think we're doing the math on that.

[Missy Suicide]

I think it. Yeah, I think it was. It's out the 29th.

[Giovanni]

Well, there you go. And what the hell else? Should we toss out a website?

[Missy Suicide]

Sure. Suicidegirls.com.

[Giovanni]

And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Brine, Missy Suicide. And of course, your beautiful Teresa Strasser saying. Oh, telling me to pick up a mangrate.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Forgot about my good buddies at Man Grate. That's right. Go to AdamCroll.com and just go ahead and punch the Man Grate. Little banner there. And let's keep those things flying out the door. They're happy. Let's keep them that way. So until Next time. This is Adam Carl football. Brian and Teresa Scott saying mahalo. Alright. This is Adam Kroll, show 354. Coming up for our final clip today we have Adam Kroll, show 356. This is Dana Gould, Teresa Strasser and Brian Bishop. This is a live podcast after they switched formats. This episode's never been played on Cruel Classics before. It very much fits in with the ACS format they were trying to do at the time as opposed to a traditional live show. Dana Gould's crushing it. I hope you guys enjoy. Teresa's got herself her Jameson, so she's going to be in great form. Gould is going to join us. I know you probably have Mel Gibson as one here. Okay. So I just want to start by calling you a filthy Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Get that out of the way.

[Giovanni]

Well, I know now's the time. Yeah, like if anyone wants to go on a racist tirade or do anything out of line, tonight's the night because it'll all just be swept up in a sea of Mel Gibson we'll never know about. Brian, what are you. I don't even know what you are. Please refrain from using ethnic slurs. You can see how the sausage is made and the fudge is packed and in real life. Yeah, everybody. All right, so first, want to give a first live commercial. This must feel good. Spending 30 bucks and then getting screwed for drinks and then hearing me do a commercial for Mangrate. That's got to feel awesome. Yeah. 100% cast iron. Made in America. Throw it on the grill. I'm telling you guys, by the looks of the colors of your faces, you love barbecue.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. This is a white town.

[Giovanni]

I know. Theresa didn't know any. Let me tell you a couple things about Irvine went to a gas station. You should steady yourself, Theresa, because this is going to be. This is going to be tough.

[Adam Carolla]

My stomach. Whiskey.

[Giovanni]

Went to a gas station, put my credit card in the pump to pay it, didn't ask me for my area code, zip code, whatever the hell the id. The point is they trust us here. They knew I didn't steal the wallet. And then. You should sit down. Sit down. Then I went inside, it was clean and I went to the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

They let you use the bathroom in the bathroom?

[Giovanni]

Normally you just have to pee on the Fritos. In la, you have to pee into a sack of Fritos because you're lucky. Yeah. And then you. I can't remember what you into. Oh, a decorative popcorn tin. That's right. Or a beanie walked right in. And they said, thank you. Pee again. When I. When I left, it was so awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you, do they have, like, hand soap and paper towels?

[Giovanni]

They had. They. It smelled of Febreze inside of there. The tile was clean. Nobody had taken a sledgehammer to the sink or the commode. No one had drawn a swastika and fecal matter on the door. It was like normal people going to the bathroom. It was weird. Yeah. Yeah. What a utopia you guys live in. Oh, yeah, man. Great, right? Go to AdamCarolla.com and hit that banner. All right, so I think we're going to do some live Huell High. And you may have. Thank you. You may have heard the wonder that is Huell Hauser on the radio, but when you see this bit that Mike lynch cut together, your. Your jaws will drop into your collective calamari. See? Do you see how I used alliteration there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Collective.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, so. So we should start off with a little one. Weezer, you making noise? Oh, I gotta wish a happy anniversary to somebody. Yeah, who's that? Weezer. Shout it out. Where is he? Over. Straight ahead. Oh, he's not at the mic. All right. Fuck those kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's Carrie and Gavin.

[Giovanni]

Ace. Carrie and Gavin. Happy anniversary. That's more for the chick.

[Adam Carolla]

Congratulations. That's for Carrie.

[Giovanni]

More. Yeah, it's for Carrie. For the guy making it to 12 years. No big.

[Adam Carolla]

How long have they been married? Do we know?

[Giovanni]

10. 12 years. Oh, they're here. Right. Carrying. Gavin, where are you? 12 years. 10 years. All right, so you're not C. 12. Okay. Congratulations. Although, really, to stay married, you just have to not really do anything, you know? I don't know. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you coast, right? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

It's like being congratulated for taking a nap or falling asleep while you're driving. You know what I mean? Digesting, like, for a guy. Just don't start shit for 10 years. You'll be fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Can we do a little. What can Adam complain about before we get started with the news? What do you have? Hold on here.

[Adam Carolla]

Dancing with Sonny.

[Giovanni]

Dancing with Sonny.

[Adam Carolla]

That's hard to complain about because you love dancing with the little boy.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And the girl. And it ensures that they're gonna have a happy childhood. Unlike yours.

[Giovanni]

No, she's a witch. Her and I have parted ways. She wants no part of Papa, but. Well, I'll tell you the problem. I'll tell you what I can complain about with dancing with my son Sonny. The kid is. He weighs more than a He's like a pony cake filled with sand and mercury. And, you know, he doesn't. He doesn't dance like, you know, like Julianne Huff. He wants to go up, and so you got to hold him the entire time, and then you gotta hop and next thing you know, you know, busting the stitches on my hernias scar and, you know, hopping up and down and you gotta spin him around and then you set him down and he wants to go again. And I mean, you really. I'm gonna like, like a throw back out or bust a groin or something. This kid's heavy. And then what do we do? When he's in high school, he's like £260 and he wants to dance. And, you know, I'm just a. A bent over old man. I'm like Montgomery Burns, you know, and I have to, like, I have to pick him up and then it'll be his wedding. No, this is gonna be dance.

[Adam Carolla]

This is gonna be a children's book.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I'll be like the giving tree, except for my balls will be on the ground. Yeah. So, I mean, the dancing is good, but, you know, I'd like him do a little freestyle and not have me. And by the way, he's not dancing. It's. It's like saying, oh, it's. It's not like the bowling pins are juggling. The guy who's juggling is juggling. They're just inanimate objects. So he. He'd just be a potted plant if I didn't pick him up and spin him around.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the puppeteer.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I'm the puppeteer.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, remember when he was born and you said he was built like a butt plug?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was so touching.

[Giovanni]

Right? Yeah. He's still a butt plug, but for the seasoned gang. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Not a beginner.

[Giovanni]

He started off as like, for the beginner kit, like my first butt plug.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I don't know if they have gay beginner kids, but I would imagine they should. He's now up to, you know, veterans only. He's definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a. It's the fruit stand on a Thursday night.

[Giovanni]

That's right. All right, toss another one out. All right, this guy's cupping his mouth, so it must mean something, peeing in the sink. These kids. These kids rat me out every. Every one of my moves. Farting on them. They go right to Company with the peeing in the sink. They rat me out on that one, too. Although there's a new wrinkle in peeing. In the sink. I don't know if you guys have seen this or you know about this, but there's some weird kind of fly that's, like, living in that sink. Have you guys seen these? Weird little black. Am I making this up, Brian? No. Yes. Yeah. Have you guys. Wow. Stole while I squeezed one off? Brian?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Some girls do pee in the sink.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I like to think in some small way I'm a part of that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But not out of convenience. I think we do it like if you're on a first date or something and you don't want them to know you're peeing, so you go in the sink, then you don't have to flush.

[Giovanni]

Wow. This getting cathartic. Wow. Wow. And is that like, oh, I'm not the only one. You mean like when you have to vomit into the kitty box because you don't want them to know you have an eating disorder?

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Right. I don't. I can't digest those pancakes and get fat.

[Giovanni]

Adam, hold on a second. You would pee in the sink so the guy wouldn't hear you peeing in the commode so he wouldn't be freaked out on the first date?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I have done that. I don't know why it's an intimate thing for somebody to hear you pee. Girls know what I'm talking about.

[Giovanni]

But considering there's a fair amount of guys who like getting peed on, I don't think that's a deal breaker.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that number has been overblown. I don't think it's that many.

[Teresa Strasser]

A fair amount.

[Giovanni]

I would call us a vocal minority is what I would call us. I mean, those dudes over that guy right there who digs that. And I definitely am not into it. Wow. T. But what couldn't. Oh. Oh, it was the sound of the flushing of the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I needed to avoid the sound of the flush because as you know, I don't. I want. You know, I wanted my now husband to think that I really. I. I released waste through my skin like a frog.

[Giovanni]

Right. But what about if it was like a pedestal type thing and you actually tore it off the wall? Is this only done with the culture marble and the ones that are built into the stand? Wow. I love you, Theresa. I love that you're that up in your head. Even about peeing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's intense to be this self conscious. That's where the Jamesons comes in.

[Giovanni]

Keep going with that Jameson's. God knows what else she's peed into. We'll find out. The night is young. Yeah, the peeing in the sink. Oh, yeah. So you guys haven't seen these weird little itty bitty black flies that come up from the sewer, the drain or anything? Nothing. My. Is that, is that you guys have, you know. Okay, now I got something to pee at. That's my point. Whereas before I was just willy nilly peeing into the sink, looking at myself in the mirror, you know, giving myself a high five or maybe doing a crab, now I have a mission. I have something to aim at and that's a little. The little black fly in the sink. If you were looking at where you were peeing, perhaps maybe you would have hit a fly or two. And by the way, let me ask something about urine and women because I'm wildly confused. I just assumed their wee wee went down. I didn't know it shot out. And I took my kids on a walk and they both decided they had to take a pee and they were going to pee now. So. So we went off the side of the road like in a little dirt area. And my daughter, I'm not exactly sure what to do with her when she has to pee. My son, I pretty much got a pretty good handle on it. Get the tweezers out, find his pack, aim downwind and, you know, hope for the best. My daughter, I kind of pick her up a little, like I'm not sure what, but her things are shot down, right? But I've had it happen where she's like wearing shorts. Just every drop hit the underpants and shorts. And once they're going, it's hard to divert. You know what I mean? It's like you can't yell, stop. She'll go full lesbian if I start screaming at her. Mom, she's peeing. That's bad. No, you're making daddy so upset.

[Adam Carolla]

She is this close to winning the vagina Stop. This close to winning the Iditarod.

[Giovanni]

Right? Yeah, she could be a musher. Yeah, so. So I was, I was trying to hold her up and she was peeing all over the backside of her skirt. And by the way, you guys are violent with your urine. You know, I mean, guys are leisurely. You know, we start, we'll start with a little blast and then take a pause and then start up again. You know, it'll break at the end, we'll do a little dribble, we'll think we're done and then it'll be one more salvo before we, you guys just boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Because we hold it in longer. I think there's more trouble to go.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, I really. I gotta. I've really learned a lot about urinating 4 year olds. I don't know how we're gonna top this. Yeah, that is sad. All right, let's toss another one out. You're my. My book. Ah. My future book. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it have a title?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's called in 50 years, we'll all be Chicks. And I didn't. It wasn't even. It was my idea, but it was my idea for a title. I think it was mentioned somewhere in there. Writing a book sucks. It's work, man. You have to lookin write it, and then you give it to someone who, like, is 20 years younger than you are. She doesn't get any of your references, and then she sends it back and you have to fucking comb over it. My Mike lynch is here. I can't spell. We can't spell. And you can barely read. It's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Entourage, though. You can spell that one now.

[Giovanni]

Entourage. O, N, T, E, R A J E. No, Entourage.

[Adam Carolla]

A whole book filled with words.

[Giovanni]

Brutal. It's brutal. And you have to pose for a cover and you have to, like. You have to. And then I'm gonna have to thank people, and you know how much I hate that. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

In the acknowledgments, did I make it? Because you're in mine.

[Giovanni]

Well, you're. You're covered under the. You know who you are.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. No, no. That's how the whole thing works. You know who you are. This is the wisdom for all you.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to be named.

[Giovanni]

Did you thank me in your book?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got a whole paragraph.

[Giovanni]

Now, this is one of those things.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really touching.

[Giovanni]

This is one of those things, like when somebody shows up to your house with a shitty bottle of wine, and then two weeks later you're going to their house, and now you're like, I guess we gotta bring him something. I mean, not. Nothing shitty about your book.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's along. It's along the lines of you hate everything, but you don't hate me. And that gave me the balls to think that I could write this book.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I bite my lip when I talk about you. T. That's. No, no, you're. You're. There's nothing wrong with you. Wow. Teresa, I. Listen, I'm one of the few people I like to be able to. Hey. I'm the one who defends you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm the one who defends you when.

[Adam Carolla]

People sit around trashing you. I'm the One.

[Giovanni]

I'm the one. You're not.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell people you're not a bitch.

[Giovanni]

You're not. The bats out of their hands. They want to go up to your castle with torches and pitchforks and pull you out of the lab. I'm the one who defends you. I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

When they ask me, why are you still working with her, I say that you're good.

[Giovanni]

I know. Yeah, it gets a little insulting about the fifth time someone yells, I'm the one. All right, let's toss out another one, please. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Isaac Hayes.

[Giovanni]

Isaac Hayes. Uh oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. This is gonna be the hardest one ever, Adam. I mean, we love him.

[Giovanni]

This is Isaac Hayes country here. I can see it. Yeah. Yeah. Should we talk to Isaac? Yeah. Isaac, you happen to be in Irvine? Yeah. And are you enjoying the afterlife?

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes I wonder if the. If heaven is like a club. Is there a two drink minimum?

[Giovanni]

It's good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good there. Okay.

[Giovanni]

Well, you like having a. Wow. And. You getting along okay up there? Yeah. Okay. But it doesn't sound like you're having the kind of party you're having when you're, you know, down here on Earth. Earth? Yeah. You gotta kind of watch your P's and Q's over there, don't you, Isaac? Yeah. I'm just saying. No, I mean, you gotta. You gotta watch, you know, watch the language, watch the ladies, watch the drink, that kind of stuff. Yeah. Isaac, I know it's a pretty complicated algorithm as to how you get in to heaven, but if you could just, as someone who's actually in heaven, just give it. You know, this is a thing that you get. Did you get. When you do, shout. All right, thank you, Isaac Hayes, everybody. Dana Gould is on his way. T, you got the news? You're gonna do the news live for us?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Shall I. I think I'm gonna sit down while you do this news. Maybe I'll sit where Dana would sit.

[Teresa Strasser]

From the International News center next to Donnie's Mini.

[Giovanni]

That is Donnie's Mini Bike Collections with Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we might as well get right to the Mel Gibson thing. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Radar Online reports that Mel Gibson's baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, has audio tape of the actor on a rant, and it makes his anti Semitic tirade during his DUI arrest sound tame. Radar reports that they have heard the tape. And by the way, TMZ is now confirming, which includes several of their explosive arguments. You've probably heard this already.

[Giovanni]

I disagree with some of the Things.

[Adam Carolla]

He said like, you look like a bleeping pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of N words, it will be your fault.

[Giovanni]

Wow. He's a deeply religious man.

[Adam Carolla]

He's also heard calling Oksana A and a C word. In another tirade, Mel tells Oksana, how dare you act like such a when I have been so bleeping. Nice. I'm going to come and burn the effing house down, but you will blow me first.

[Giovanni]

Wow. Yourself on the road, Michael. Play that one again. I love that one. I like the idea that you can be yourself on the road. My whole thing when I want a blow job.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Even if I'm planning on burning the house down after I come, I keep it pretty close to the vest, you know what I mean? So what I do is I get my blow job and then the chick is going, hey, what are you doing with that road flare? And I'm like, aha. But I don't alert her in advance that I will be burning the house down. But first, I'm gonna require a blowjob.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all backwards.

[Giovanni]

I find it really decreases the chances that you're gonna get blown. Yeah, it's almost 50%.

[Adam Carolla]

Even Isaac Hayes knows you don't burn. You don't threaten to burn the house down till after the blowjob.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. No, you wait. Yeah, right. Isaac knows that you wait till you're in your refractory period before you threatened to burn the house down.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, you know, Adam, a lot, sometimes a lot of people have comments, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Not all.

[Giovanni]

That's not 100%. Isaac is right.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of people have commented, including the naacp, of course, Gloria Allred, Jesse Jackson. Nobody has gotten a comment from Isaac Hayes.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously, he's an important person.

[Giovanni]

Oh, well, yeah. And a man of color.

[Adam Carolla]

Man of color. How do you feel about this, this attack?

[Giovanni]

It's a good thing. Oh, really? It's good.

[Adam Carolla]

But saying she's going to be raped by a pack of n words is good.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Well, I, I, I think that the fact that the black community is rallied around raping Mel's ex wife, I think that's probably what you're saying, that the pack is strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let me ask this. Angel wings I've only seen in the white feathers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when you're in heaven.

[Giovanni]

Well, you know how they have like those, they have those breathe right Strips now in different colors. Band aids. Don't you kind of. Oh, God, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I grew up in San Francisco and there Was always a lecture with the box of crayons because the flesh colored crayon was white. So you have to explain these crayons are racist, right? It's not. Everybody's flesh is this color.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So why are the angel wings always white, right? I mean, Isaac's up there.

[Giovanni]

And by the way, you know what those lectures in the third grade lead to? Peeing in the sink on the first day. So please don't put your daughters through any of that. Yeah, just figure like there should be some brown feathered, you know. There you go. Oh, wait a minute. When. When in Victoria's Secret when what's her name had her.

[Adam Carolla]

Naomi Campbell?

[Giovanni]

Well, no, Tyra, when she retired her wings. I think they were white. We could straighten that out.

[Adam Carolla]

But Tyra, how come no one's thought of this?

[Giovanni]

That's why I get the big box.

[Adam Carolla]

Isaac Hayes. Do you have white wings or brown?

[Giovanni]

Maybe it's on to something else. Sometimes. Sometimes he mixes it up. All right, so Mel left a lot of. I like when people. I like when they're going, I was so fucking good to you, you smelly cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

How could he do this to me? I hope you get raped by a pack of N words.

[Giovanni]

Jesus Christ. I don't know how to be any nicer to a cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, for a cunt, I've always treated you with dignity and respect.

[Giovanni]

You were always my number one cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

When it comes to whores, you're the best.

[Giovanni]

My grandfather, who was a direct descendant of Sir Walter Raleigh, would say, you always treat a cunt with respect.

[Adam Carolla]

I never asked you to blow me until after I threatened to burn down the house.

[Giovanni]

That's right. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

I deserve something.

[Giovanni]

Well taken.

[Adam Carolla]

Leon Jenkins, president of the LA NAACP tells tmz. It's unfortunate. It.

[Giovanni]

Hold on. The LA NWACP tells tmz.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Giovanni]

VFD or C. Piss.

[Adam Carolla]

Lol.

[Giovanni]

Thank you. See, that's why. Look, she's drunk. Yeah, she's drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I'm just the one. The bartender has a little bit of a light hand.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I noticed that.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you know, night out.

[Giovanni]

Say this when somebody says, I just want Jameson straight up. Don't bring a hummingbird's beak of it to the person. Because when the sun is still shining outside and they're drinking straight Jameson's, it means they have a problem with booze. Feel free to be a little heavy handed. And I say this for you, bartender, because Teresa is not gonna have to go back and forth 12 times if. If you just Basically, take the bottle, take the sword and knock the top of it off and bring it over. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Lmao.

[Giovanni]

That's right. Teresa will strain it through a sock because sometimes glass falls down into it. And then enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I'll pee in the sink so no one has to hear it flush.

[Giovanni]

So Mel's in trouble again.

[Adam Carolla]

Mel's in trouble. And this guy from the LA NAACP says it's unfortunate Amanda has made his millions off of women. After African Americans and Jews harbors such racist, sexist and anti Semitic feelings against people who admired and respected him for decades. He goes on to say an apology.

[Giovanni]

Off of Jews too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Jews pay to see movies.

[Giovanni]

Oh, okay. Oh, he made it. Or.

[Adam Carolla]

But sometimes we sneak. We pay to see the one and we see two. Right, but we pay to see the one. Sometimes we sneak in our own popcorn. Yeah, I don't want to pay six bucks for it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, cost me 30 cents. 50 cents worth of popcorn.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes we sneak in a candy bar.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, now and again.

[Giovanni]

Right. And then you take a spill in the lobby on the way out. Sue the whole fucking place. Yeah. Pull up a little carpet seam, catch it.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have wiped up the diet Dr. Pepper before I took a spill on it.

[Giovanni]

My bad, Chewy.

[Adam Carolla]

He says an apology is insufficient. Giving Mel's history of racism, sexism and anti Semitism, no amount of words will change his image as an out of date and out of control racist.

[Giovanni]

Mm, well, that's good. I mean, at least he doesn't have to apologize now. I don't know what he does. Where's Danny Glover coming down with all this?

[Adam Carolla]

I know that's his main man he needs.

[Giovanni]

It's literally his backup.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Giovanni]

He's too old for this shit. What's that? He's too old for this shit. Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but really, what do you do if you're Danny Glover?

[Giovanni]

I. I don't know that there's anything you can say because either way you're gonna be. I think you do what Danny Glover does. You just hang out and hope. He's probably hard at work on the Color Purple too. Break in training. He's filming in Japan right now, so he has nothing to say about it. He.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you'll remember back in 2006 when he said effing Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. But it's one thing to insult Jews. We're only 3%.

[Giovanni]

It's not like you guys start the wars. You just get rounded up and someone needs to intervene. You Know what I mean? So in a way, you're responsible, but it's not like you did anything. It'd just be like, you know, it's like the chop in a custody battle. You know what I mean? It's not their fault. They're just getting pulled from one direction and another, and then we got to start bombing people in order to get the kid back to daddy's house.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not our fault. It is not our fault.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Meanwhile, Mel Gibson, you're like a football.

[Giovanni]

In a rugby game, you know what I mean? You just get pushed back and pushed forward and then there's a scrum and then you squirt out and then someone runs after you and kicks you.

[Adam Carolla]

There's so much pain and suffering in our people's history that I noticed my family is very cavalier about it. Like a couple days ago, I asked my mom what happened to grandpa's siblings before he came over here. Sister raped and murdered by the Cossacks.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just offhandedly.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. By the way, it was murdered and raped. But I don't want to correct you on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

When they get to Ellis island, they change the story.

[Giovanni]

I know how the Cossacks roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Mel has sold his home. He has a 75 acre Connecticut estate. Sold for 24 million, which sounds good, but he was asking 39.5.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. He's got to be hard broke.

[Adam Carolla]

Tough times.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. He's gonna have to move into that Airstream trailer down by the beach where he lives down there.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Andy Dick?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, him, Andy and. And what's his McConaughey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll be. That'll. They should park them end to end and cut a hole. Dick will be in the middle, you know what I'm saying? Drunken Mel will be coming down the hall, and then Here come Drunken McConaughey and they'll split Dick like a wishbone.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm very excited to run this bike. Wow.

[Giovanni]

Is that his Connecticut pad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's got a five horse stable, log cabin, 60 foot swimming pool.

[Giovanni]

Is he. Is he divorced? He's divorced with this chick already. Like, she's the new chick.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Yeah, there was the. The original wife. I think they might have had eight kids or something that. A lot of kids.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then this gal.

[Giovanni]

Right. So he dump ducks on now. And. And so this is all stuff that's left on her phone machine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she started recording it after things got violent. And apparently there are also some emails, so there's a lot to look forward to.

[Giovanni]

That's why whenever I, you know, get into a little spat, and I have to leave a message on my wife's recording machine. I always do it this way because I'm always thinking about tmz, right? So I'm like, listen, you cunt. I'm gonna come over there and burn the house down as soon as I'm done blowing Harvey Levin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. Oh, it's brilliant.

[Giovanni]

See what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He can't ever use that without.

[Giovanni]

Now what's he gonna do?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, it's so good.

[Giovanni]

So I'll just do it anytime. Like, if I call my agent, I'm pissed off. Or I call. I don't care who I call. If I'm pissed off at Alaskan Airlines, I'll just. Whatever. Listen, your service was subpar. I had to get my bag at the. At the carousel. Instead of a bag instead of a gate check. Hold on. I gotta suck off Harvey Levin. Now, where was I? You guys just work that into everything, and you don't have to worry about it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're right. Hey, whore. You F and C word. You're gonna bl. Oh, wait. Wait a second.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Harvey's at the door. Harvey Levin.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. L, E, V, I, N. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I can't run it. Tori Spelling's husband, Dean McDermott, is in the intensive care unit of an LA hospital. He's suffering from a punctured and collapsed lung.

[Giovanni]

Lynette's gonna be over the moon about this, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't.

[Giovanni]

Hates it.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I just say. Let me just finish this story before I get into.

[Giovanni]

Motorcycle accident.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, this guy's been getting a pass, and I hate to kick him when he's down in the icu, but it looks like he's gonna be fine. Whatever.

[Giovanni]

I heard the 911 call.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd it go?

[Giovanni]

He. From his cell phone, he was down. He was like. Like, I'm in Temescal Canyon. I laid my Harley down. I have a punctured lung. Hold on. I gotta suck off Harvey Levin. Every call. Every call. That's the point.

[Adam Carolla]

He's fine.

[Giovanni]

I don't care if I'm like, there's intruders in the house. I heard window break, and I got suck off Harvey Levin. It's all gotta. It's all gotta be out there now. Because every 911 call, if you come.

[Adam Carolla]

Home and your wife is in the pool, floating in the pool, I run.

[Giovanni]

In, I call 91 1, I tastefully work in sucking parve.

[Adam Carolla]

That's hard.

[Giovanni]

But why that. What do you mean, how? I'm a fucking actor. What are you talking about? I know, but I use inflection. I use my voice as a tool. It's an instrument, Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to work that in organically. It's a non sequitur.

[Giovanni]

You know what? It's a. It's a kind of a nuance, and, you know, I have that kind of range. You know, I mean, I would do it and I think, you know, respectful way where, you know, I showed, you know, the. You know, I drank in the gravity of the situation, and I did, like, if my wife's in the pool and she may be drowned, and I don't know how long she's been in there. Sorry, I'm pulling the tears back, but I just got done sucking off Harvey Levin. I mean, that's a tense thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I pulled it off.

[Giovanni]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Dean McDermott is fine. Only the good die young. He was riding a dirt bike with friends when he got injured. Now Tori says to People magazine he's in a lot of pain. He's taking this as a sign and realizing family is too important to risk his life.

[Giovanni]

He's taking it, or she's forcing it up his ass, along with the kickstand of the motorcycle. Yeah. When guys take things as signs, it means it's being shoved up our ass. I said, no more goddamn dirt bike riding, you asshole. Pow. Kickstand. There's your sign.

[Adam Carolla]

This family is important, but not the family I left when I met a spelling and then unadopted my baby.

[Giovanni]

We unadopted the baby. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They were in the process of adopting a baby.

[Giovanni]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Why does this guy get a pass? He's one of the worst people ever.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I got so mad at him.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I think I saw you on CNN with the ex wife.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that was the ex wife. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember Dr. Drew?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna get your opinion. But you no longer remember.

[Giovanni]

No, no, I remember now. I did. I did. Larry King, Right. Oh, except for Jeff Probst hosted.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

And then at a certain point, we took a phone call from England.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Where the chicken said that she had been dumped also by her husband. Or she was seeing a guy and dumped him. And then she worked in sucking off Harvey Levin. So evidently, this thing has gone global at this point. And I remember Probst at the time thinking that was out of line. I explained to him during the commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Then he had apologized to the audience.

[Giovanni]

For the rough language.

[Adam Carolla]

To make it Serious? He took off the choker?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I wonder if Jeff. Jeff Probst will be asked to take over now that Larry King's leaving.

[Giovanni]

Oh, is he leaving?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Does he know he's leaving? I don't feel. I feel like he's showing up Monday and doing a show on Probst Lap, and it's like, first, I. This chair's uncomfortable, but anyway, smells of denim. Let's keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, he might.

[Adam Carolla]

He's leaving. He sent a Twitter saying that he's done. He'll still be doing specials, et cetera, but he will no longer be doing his nightly show. He wants to spend more time under preparing for other things.

[Giovanni]

Does he communicate by clapping together coconuts? I didn't know he did twittering.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, he tweets.

[Giovanni]

Do you.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone follow Larry King?

[Giovanni]

No, that's a trick question. See, when we do these shows, I tell Teresa goes, oh, is anyone Father. Follow Larry King's Twitter. And then some guy will raise her hand and he'll get. She'll go, the bouncer. Give him the fuck out of here. So you guys all pass?

[Teresa Strasser]

Ace, man.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dana Gould is here.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Dana Gould's here. All right, well, I'm just gonna talk about sucking off Harvey levin for another 20 minutes and we'll bring him up on stage, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Should we wrap this section of the news?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, we'll do the second section with Dana Gould. How about that? More of Teresa's news coming up. If you don't listen, you're an anti Semite. Evidently, Mel doesn't listen. All right. One of my favorite comedians in the world. Why? Because he's the real deal, everyone. He's not one of these ass wipes that prepares a bunch of material and then regurgitates at night after night. He comes up here naked and raw and slays the room. Except for this time because it probably put too much pressure on him. We're gonna do a little what can't. Oh, no, we're gonna do. You'll have. Yes, thank you very much. And you will see Huell in all his glory. But first, we'll bring up the very talented Dana Gould, everybody. Perfect timing. Did you get your drink there, T? Did you get your medicine?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I didn't.

[Giovanni]

He didn't. You got your cocktail there. He. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, sir, very much.

[Giovanni]

Wall.

[Teresa Strasser]

And yet, it was an obstacle course.

[Giovanni]

Hi.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice to see you.

[Teresa Strasser]

How's it going?

[Giovanni]

Crazy. Great. See you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Nothing straighter. Two heterosexual dudes kissing.

[Giovanni]

Good to see you, buddy. Thanks for Making the pilgrimage. I'm doing great.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's always good to be back in Irvine. I was raised in the slums of Irvine over by the sketchy Color Me Mine.

[Giovanni]

Wow. Yeah. On the wrong. On the wrong side of the monorail.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

[Giovanni]

Wow. That could be tough.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I know what it's like over there, so.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dirty adobe.

[Giovanni]

You just got back. Did you get back from China?

[Teresa Strasser]

I was in China for a month.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

The hotel was from Barton Fink, but the weather was from Blade Runner. It is a long time. We were adopting our third daughter. And after about three weeks. Thank you. After three and a half weeks in China, I just turned to my wife and said, let's just. Just start.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Let's just talk.

[Giovanni]

Right? God, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

What do I have to do?

[Giovanni]

And when we're done, I'll burn your house down. So you adopted your third.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Three now.

[Giovanni]

Chinese.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

But they're all girls, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

All girls. And the.

[Giovanni]

Because they don't.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's the deal.

[Giovanni]

The boys are commodity over there.

[Adam Carolla]

One child policy.

[Teresa Strasser]

The one child policy over there. And they favor boys to boys to girls.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And a lot of families that can't afford to pay the tax that you have to pay when you have another baby. Like, I love. I love hearing people in America bitch that it's socialism.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

No. Coming from a country where you can't have another kid.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is socialism.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Like I have to pay for a.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thing that I have.

[Giovanni]

I got a goddamn ticket for bow hunting from the back of my Ford F150 on Melrose Boulevard. The other day wasn't. What the kind of communism is this going on here?

[Teresa Strasser]

Goddamn president's a socialist.

[Giovanni]

So. So they have. They have a lot of girls over there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, they have girls, but they don't want girls. They want boys.

[Giovanni]

I can tell you. I have twins. I have a girl and a boy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Giovanni]

They're right. Right. The problem is smart. Those shinies.

[Teresa Strasser]

The problem is it's all a part of their plan for having an entire generation of men that aren't getting laid but do have access to nuclear weapons.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Which is why the smart money, we need to take these oil drills that don't work and develop the. The Vegas to Beijing hooker Chunnel.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Shoot hookers through the core of the earth to jack off Chinese dudes.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

To ensure one more tomorrow. Sort of keep the mushroom cloud off the horizon.

[Giovanni]

Like they would have that. The bank or the car dealership back when we were growing up then.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Giovanni]

Boom. That pneumatic thing right so it'd just be like, sierra, we need you to climb into the tube. Okay. And the next year, just pop up in Beijing. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

There it is.

[Giovanni]

There it is.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's what we're trying to avoid. Here's the weirdest thing I saw in. In China. No kidding. Walking down the street. And we went to. We went to Shanghai, then we went to Guangzhou, and then we went to Jiangxi, which is like people in America, they go to Boston, and then they go to Minneapolis, and then they go to Fayette, S.C. little store. A woman had in front of the store, bowl of live eels and a mesh bag that you'd like buy onions in full of live toads.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

You just pick what you want.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

They fry it right up.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. That was. That was the only thing that really made me throw up in my mouth.

[Giovanni]

You didn't eat any eel?

[Teresa Strasser]

I have not had eel nor toad that I know of.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, can I ask you, how do the two older girls feel about their new sister?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, we. We keep telling them. I don't have a joke.

[Giovanni]

You keep them in the crate for the first six months?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, we're raising. Raising veal children.

[Giovanni]

Well, just so their scent gets, you know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I'm using my kids to work on another invention I have that. I can't give you the details, but it's called Dog in a Box. I'll tell you all about it later. No, they're. They're great. The kids are great. My daughter had a cleft lip, so we had that fixed.

[Giovanni]

The newest one.

[Teresa Strasser]

The newest one had a cleft lip and we got that fixed.

[Giovanni]

I don't know what this endeavor cost, but they give you a little break on a factory second. I mean, well, I mean, listen, I don't know anything. Sears has an outlet, and, you know, if one of the Maytags has a dent in the side of it, you know, they pass it along. That's all I'm saying.

[Teresa Strasser]

They threw in a Vespa.

[Giovanni]

Oh, they throw it at Vespa. Wow. All right. That's about even.

[Teresa Strasser]

But. But we. What it's so great is she's in America 10 days, she's already had plastic surgery.

[Giovanni]

Surgery. Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

And to see a 15 month old girl already with a perfect decal.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I'm thinking, I thought you were gonna get her lip fixed. Who's looking at her lip? No, no, this is my child.

[Giovanni]

She's young.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is my child.

[Giovanni]

Yes. You and Woody Allen. That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

See, but here's it. Honestly, Honestly, I don't get weird.

[Giovanni]

In defense, it seems like you're thinking about it.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, but that is the thing about.

[Giovanni]

Just laugh it off and keep moving.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hold on. I'm siding with you. I'm siding with you. I can't. Having having raised Chinese girls. Chinese chicks, Asian chicks is off limits for me now.

[Giovanni]

Oh really?

[Teresa Strasser]

It just doesn't work for me at all.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I see.

[Teresa Strasser]

Because I know what their vaginas look like and I'm just remembering the times I wiped poop off them.

[Giovanni]

Right, Right. And now. And now that's extra.

[Teresa Strasser]

And now I just like. No, throw it in the mouth. Bag of toads.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Bag of toads.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Make a Chinese bag of toads.

[Giovanni]

Right. So no, there'll be no. No Chinese women for you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Who's happier? She's like, when does he die?

[Giovanni]

Do you do a Woody Allen?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, she, she.

[Giovanni]

No, she does Woody Allen. Because I imagine they're, they're, they're big blind. They're probably like, like, oh, me and we had a big blowout last week. I'm like, woody, I don't feel like I'm being heard.

[Teresa Strasser]

I. I don't understand.

[Giovanni]

The screaming is becoming too much. I'm going to go to Red Roof Inn. I can't take. If you raise your voice at me one more time.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm sorry.

[Giovanni]

I'm going to call 91 1.

[Teresa Strasser]

Why are you so upset that I want to open an all Asian daycare? I'm trying to give back.

[Giovanni]

Would you like to know what the square root of 911 is? I know it sounds like a stereotype. When I called. I'm going to ask ass to suck off Harvey Levitt. Don't be surprised.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, no, I'm off that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, there are fast rules. There are hard and fast rules.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, there are.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't. Your girlfriend's kids.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

How about that one?

[Giovanni]

It's right under check your ego at the door. Thank you. Thank you, Dana. You really should be delivered.

[Teresa Strasser]

So I have another one. I have another one.

[Giovanni]

Get ready, Brian.

[Teresa Strasser]

The first time you sleep with a woman that you've been dating and you're just about to have an orgasm. Don't whisper. Take my sick. Just don't do it. Hard and fast rule.

[Giovanni]

No, it's good to know you have any more, Dana. Cuz Brian is. He's queued up. The more you know. There you go. You have one more.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't try to rob a bank. In this age of sensitivity. Don't try to rob a bank with a squirt gun full of AIDS blood.

[Giovanni]

Come on, Brian. Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

The more you know, don't be with a girl. And when you're on a date with a girl, she starts to cry because her father molested her. Don't say, oh, I get it. Your dad gets some. And now I don't. Don't. That I have to come that joke. That joke is by Drake Sather, who's no longer on the planet to tell it. So I do that for Drake.

[Adam Carolla]

You did it justice.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's another great joke of Drake Sather no longer on the planet to tell them.

[Giovanni]

Sure, I.

[Teresa Strasser]

So I thought of this today. That's why I was thinking of Drake today. I always hate it when I see a homeless guy with a dog because, you know, the dog's thinking, hey, I can do this on my own. I don't need to be homeless and on a leash.

[Giovanni]

That's true. Yeah. The one good thing about being homeless is a dog. Although you do get the nifty bandana. I noticed that. It's the one perk to being the homeless dog is the bandana.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, you know, my dogs. I have. I have. I have four dogs. I have four dogs now.

[Giovanni]

What country did you buy them from?

[Teresa Strasser]

A strange country downtown.

[Giovanni]

Oh, okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have four dogs and three kids, two little girls and a baby. You know, when did I become the world's turd valet? I'm just so happy to be out with people who can take a shit and deal with. With it on their own.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

The more adult responsibility I take on do you get. The more poop I'm. I'm shepherding around.

[Giovanni]

I get to wipe my ass all the time. Do you mean. I didn't know that part. I thought there was potty training, you know, pre and then post, but I didn't know there was a sort of mid. I can find the toilet with my asshole, but I can't find the paper to my. And my daughter just comes out. She's like, wipe, wipe it up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Okay. Yeah. Now who's the star? Come on.

[Teresa Strasser]

Exactly. Nothing says parenthood like hearing dad wipe my butt.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Then again, it's so rare. My dad visits and I love having him around.

[Giovanni]

Any excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I had no idea. I thought they either no in their.

[Giovanni]

Diaper or the toilet steps a good year before they know what to do with it. And they do a lot of wiping my ass, thankfully.

[Teresa Strasser]

And when you. And when you. Now you have a boy and a girl.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. And they both need the ass wiping.

[Teresa Strasser]

But when they're still pooping in their diaper.

[Giovanni]

Which.

[Teresa Strasser]

Which I love because it's just like a coming attraction to what we have soon.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

You do as you. As you come. So you go. The poop goes everywhere.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know Places like I never in my wild wildest AM dreams.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Anything is possible.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, anything is possible.

[Giovanni]

It can seem. It'll jump from their band, their pull up to their earlobe, but also, like.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not only did I everything. You will be scooping poop out of a Chinese woman's vagina. Also, you'll be doing it absent mindedly while thinking of something else.

[Giovanni]

Right. Yeah, you know, you.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then there's my kids.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he's talking about your kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

Parenthood to me is like, you'll say things with that you never thought you'd say. Like. Like, you'll say, oh, I have poop on my hand. Right.

[Giovanni]

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't, don't. No, yeah. Do the Howie Mandel because I got poop on my palm. Yeah, yeah. It's sad. I don't even know. And by the way, I was noticing when I was.

[Teresa Strasser]

By the way, how many layers are turned on right now.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, God. Show of hands. Just line up in the back.

[Giovanni]

Should we do a little Huell Hauser.

[Teresa Strasser]

By the way, I would love. You know, I know we have some video, but first I have to tell you, Adam, as you know, I love cars. I love engines, and I love the parts. I love how they work. The parts of engines, how they work. So today we're going into the western part of Hollywood to a place called Tranny Town.

[Giovanni]

No, no, no, no.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's supposedly where they make parts of engines.

[Giovanni]

Now you're thinking of transmissions. Well, yeah, they don't, but that's not what they do.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't see any car parts, but let's ask this lady with the big hands where the car part? Machines.

[Giovanni]

Fuel. That's. That's it. Now you're.

[Teresa Strasser]

Remember the crying game?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

The training and the crying. I could immediately. I could tell it was a chick. Dude.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

The penis.

[Giovanni]

I love a ceiling filled with baseball hats. Oh, boy. Here's the place to get socks.

[Teresa Strasser]

Get ready for an adventure. It's time to go digging for Huell's jewels. Corolla's excited on the Adam Corolla show.

[Giovanni]

All right, let's see what we have cooking first. I think we have. Huell's talking to the manager on the phone. Is that our first clip, Dawson? And this is where we hear Huell's signature crazy laugh. Let's take a look, see if we just happened to pick a quiet month. Well, that's okay. We like it quiet. And there's plenty of quiet in Newberry Springs. We're having a ball out here. She said Newberry Springs has a lot of great characters for movies. They don't have to bring in the extras. They're already here. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

How many people have heard that laugh as he put the last nail in the floorboard?

[Giovanni]

Go ahead and scream, you crazy ex marine.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm gonna leave you down there so long that when I cut you open, your blood will be wine.

[Giovanni]

This is a Huell, by the way. Newberry Springs. I don't even know. It's halfway to Vegas and then halfway to hell. You go. You go to like, the bun boy and you hook a left and you just keep driving until they run out. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you guys think that Huell Howser was a fiction or had you actually run across him on tv?

[Giovanni]

Oh, they know Huels.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's larger than life. He's larger than. He's a giant.

[Adam Carolla]

But it seems unreal until you actually see the show and realize that it's not an exaggeration.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's. Here's the thing about. I'm. Here's an aspect of Huel that I just. A comment. Remember when we were kids?

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

Gay guys were like you. You would imagine gay guys as effeminate, weak guys, weak sisters.

[Giovanni]

Right, Right. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

The new gay guy that will kick your ass.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Every. You drive through West Hollywood and the gay guys are in better. So much better shape than the straight.

[Giovanni]

I know. They all just left the octagon.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The rectagon.

[Teresa Strasser]

The rectagon.

[Giovanni]

But I know my rectum's gone. Yeah. They all the. The fear of all straight men is to be held down and just used like a Kleenex by gay man.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That really is all right. I think our next one is yes. Fear. Huell's gonna set up the adventure through Newberry Springs. We were surfing the Internet the other day and we ran across.

[Teresa Strasser]

I bet you were a website that.

[Giovanni]

Was put together by the chamber of commerce of Newberry Springs, California. And what it does, it's a 45 mile driving tour that they say takes about two hours. They list all the points of interest in and around guy driving a tube bucky. And since I know absolutely nothing about Blueberry Springs, all I know is dumpster.

[Teresa Strasser]

Full of hooker heads off the Internet.

[Giovanni]

And head on out here and spend a couple of Days nosing around. We headed out from LA this morning on the 15 freeway up to Barstow and then cut off over here on the 40 Freeway. Took the Newberry Springs exit. Wow. List it all out for us. We haven't called ahead. Nobody knows we're coming, and we really don't know what lies ahead. I'm guessing a whole shitload of boring.

[Teresa Strasser]

Stuff if I know some plants.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you need to know every freeway he took to get to Newberry Springs.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, then I got out of the sick petunias. All right, I need another Miller Light if one of the waitresses is fine.

[Teresa Strasser]

Diet beer.

[Giovanni]

Huell. The next clip, by the way, is a. Huell's first stop on the tour. And we'll take a look at that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Jules sort of looks like Jay Leto. Surgically modified.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, he's like. If they fixed. If Jay, like, went into the. The Twilight Zone thing, where they give you the better version of you, he would come out looking. Because Jay sort of looks like his own caricature now, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. He looks like the guy he's been drawing. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

If you. When I went to the carnival and did a caricature of Jay Leno, that could now be his police identiquet portrait, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did that happen?

[Giovanni]

I don't know. I think he's become a parody of himself. Hey. Oh, thank you. Hey, Mike.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I wouldn't say that.

[Giovanni]

Well, let me see. Can you give me. Let's. Let's get Huell on the phone. Let's skip ahead to seven and where he talks to the owner on the phone, because that, to me, is Huell at his. At his best. And then later on, he's going to talk to an old timer about rocks.

[Adam Carolla]

These aren't out. These.

[Giovanni]

This is what.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is the show?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. This is the show. So give us that. Give us that one. This is him at the Baghdad Cafe. This is the moment I. I knew I was in love with Huell Howser. I stumbled across.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not the Baghdad Cafe in San Francisco, right? In the Castro.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Been there many times.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you go, gals. If you'd stop hanging out with each other, you might meet a fella.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I was. Spent many a morning there.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Single.

[Giovanni]

All right, can you guys fire it up?

[Teresa Strasser]

You're not going to meet any Deuces.

[Giovanni]

Howdy. How you doing? Well, we're just doing an interview here, finding out about the Baghdad Cafe.

[Teresa Strasser]

Your son died. Fantastic.

[Giovanni]

I know. Is there a. Is that picture in there of Burt Lancaster? Why is there. Let's stand in here. Let me get this and I'll relay it to our viewers. Why is there a portrait of Burt Lancaster in here? On the wall of the Baghdad Cafe? Everyone's sitting down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Get ready to yourselves.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you just bought it. He's never actually been here. Bert Lancaster's never been here. He's never been here. Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Capitalism at work. Now, how does this work? You gave someone money and they gave you a product for that money?

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

How does that happen?

[Giovanni]

Well, I gave them money. I got the picture.

[Teresa Strasser]

What planet are you from?

[Giovanni]

Well, I got the picture of Burt Lancaster. I put it up there at the cafe.

[Teresa Strasser]

All I do to get things is I show people how I can crush walnuts with my taint and they give me whatever product I require to leave the store.

[Giovanni]

Fuel.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you have any walnuts on you now?

[Giovanni]

No, but you're free to walk out. Fuel. Bob, get the fire extinguisher. Fuel. Hold on.

[Teresa Strasser]

My foreskin grows back on a monthly basis.

[Giovanni]

You're free to leave here with as much stuff as you can carry.

[Teresa Strasser]

That explains why I am wearing a bandolier of Emory boards.

[Giovanni]

All right, get to work. Oh, this is Huell arriving at the.

[Teresa Strasser]

Old timers of everybores. If somebody like to come up here and challenge me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no one will.

[Teresa Strasser]

No one will.

[Giovanni]

Here's Hu with the old shirt. Yes, sir. Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Howdy. I'm Huell Halser from KCET Television.

[Giovanni]

How you doing?

[Teresa Strasser]

How do you hear about the bones?

[Giovanni]

Well, we're curious as to these rocks. I mean, I see that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, your children seem to be covered in fur and crawling around. Those are my dogs. Dogs.

[Giovanni]

And we're just kind of hanging out. I don't see this part. When I was at the California Adventure last weekend with the kids, by the way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, if this guy's name isn't Rapey McChild Molester. It has to be something in another language that means that.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this Hoarders?

[Giovanni]

Oh, this is him getting to my favorite part, which is this guy looks.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like the guy from Jeepers Creepers.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, he literally just collects aggregate. It's just the stuff that goes. The difference between cement and concrete. That's what this guy collects. Just the little rocks that go into cement to make it kind of aggregate.

[Teresa Strasser]

Aggregate.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's. That's what they call it. Yeah, but, you know. All right, we roll it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Out.

[Giovanni]

All these rocks? Yeah, it's rocks that I picked up over a period of years. Hold on. Run it back for a second because. Oh, Lord.

[Teresa Strasser]

First Off, I just see the oldest of a microphone.

[Giovanni]

He gives the oldest sounding response ever when he goes. And then fuel doesn't even have a extra lob to hook on to him. And the old guy's walking this, by.

[Teresa Strasser]

The way, this, this guy is proof of my theory. That, and it's certainly a certain point you want to die.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's hoping that I don't want to live forever.

[Giovanni]

He's hoping that a turkey buzzer just takes it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he looks like he's refusing food and drink.

[Teresa Strasser]

It looks like Jack Skeleton with aids. Yeah, it's worse.

[Giovanni]

He's like a political prisoner who's going on a hunger strike.

[Teresa Strasser]

An AIDS ridden skeleton man.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, no, I thought you better when.

[Teresa Strasser]

You just wanted to run Christmas, but it looks like it took a funky load.

[Giovanni]

All right, so listen before Christmas jokes, ladies. Listen to his. His initial response here. Sorry. Go ahead, tell me about all these rocks. Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a second.

[Giovanni]

Rocks that I picked up over a period of years. Oh. Oh, look. Oh, look these.

[Teresa Strasser]

But it was.

[Giovanni]

Wow, this is amazing. You've got. You've got coffee cans full of rocks over here. That means you're not rocks. Big rocks. Look at this one.

[Teresa Strasser]

If it was just a little later in the afternoon, this interview would end with. How long do you think it would take for me to kill you with my hands? Just my hands For a second he.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounded a little like your dad.

[Teresa Strasser]

My son.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It was the second when he made the sound.

[Giovanni]

Right? Yeah. But let me explain the difference between Huell and my dad fundamentally. Hello. If you show Huell a handful of pea gravel, he's like, holy Cross. That is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just cummed.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. But if I say to my dad I was first team all valley in football, he goes, oh, great. Yeah, that would be the difference. Parents. Huel gets more excited over a refrigerator magnet than my dad did over a full scholarship to play football. Yeah, that's the difference between Huell and my dad.

[Teresa Strasser]

Keep you honest. Yeah, I called him. Hey, mom, you're never gonna lose. I won the Pulitzer Prize. Well, your sister got her truck fixed.

[Giovanni]

Right? Why?

[Teresa Strasser]

Let me just keeping you down.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Let me say this.

[Teresa Strasser]

My parents looked out of parents the way Nick Nolte treated eddie murphy in 48 hours. I'm just keeping you down.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Let me just say this to any of the parents out there who may have more than one child, if the one child turns out to be successful, do not feel like it's your full time job to settle their Hash and be the sandbags on their gondola and pull that where you just made the Fortune 500. And you have to explain that your sister Nancy foundation. Her retainer.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

We don't need it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Go ahead and build them up, but do not try to suffocate us. It's not a. It's not a tank where you push us down and they rise up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I make. I make a.

[Giovanni]

Be down.

[Teresa Strasser]

I make a healthy living and support a loving family doing what I love to do.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, your sister got that dead tooth pulled out.

[Giovanni]

Yes, that's. That's my point.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you know what?

[Giovanni]

What?

[Teresa Strasser]

We found out it wasn't the tooth. It smelled. It was the gum hole.

[Giovanni]

So.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what? You never know.

[Adam Carolla]

Dry socket.

[Teresa Strasser]

All right. Oh, look, don't get me started on dry socket.

[Giovanni]

Do we have the. Do we have our last Huel collection?

[Teresa Strasser]

If I. If I start talking about dry socket, I'm gonna get laid 20 times before I hit the exit sign.

[Giovanni]

This is. This is him looking at the collector. They licked the rock, everybody. I don't know. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Here, look at this.

[Teresa Strasser]

See this guy?

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's beautiful. Hold on a second.

[Teresa Strasser]

That had.

[Giovanni]

Do you know what old man spit on a hot rock smells like on an August day in Newberry Springs?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, I do.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the hobo power?

[Giovanni]

Smell this, girly. More time he licks. By the way, it's not a rock that he just pulled out of a neatly folded kerchief that was underneath the sova. This is just. That's sitting out on his dirt lawn. This is what the old man does. Maybe this is the key to longevity. Maybe we're not licking enough rocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be the secret this old guy brings.

[Giovanni]

My.

[Teresa Strasser]

When we took this. When we took our daughter in for her surgery, we're in the.

[Giovanni]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[Teresa Strasser]

The survival surgical. The facial reconstruction surgery place.

[Giovanni]

Sure. I bet they have a niftier title at the children's. Yeah, it's probably called, like, the Smile Zone or something. That's not the surgical place.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you're in there with the people before surgery, and it makes you realize that there are days when God must think, I'm gonna make some people just for Halloween. Then we have to fix it.

[Giovanni]

Right? Right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Some gnarly stuff in there.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. One of the Doctors Without Borders.

[Teresa Strasser]

You don't want that. I say that because there's no God.

[Giovanni]

Let me say this. This is not the right country for that. There's a lot of.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm Sorry. Let me get real. There is an invisible giant in the sky that helps you find your missing sandal. Sorry, my bad. And he has a beard.

[Giovanni]

Beer?

[Adam Carolla]

Isaac Hayes? No.

[Giovanni]

All right, one more. Let's all focus on the old man licking the rock. Here, let me show you some things here.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can you pick up the colors? I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, look at this. That's beautiful. Oh, that's beautiful. What is this? That has a little bit of turquoise in it, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Lick this.

[Giovanni]

Well, actually, it's not a good idea unless you know what you're doing because there are some that are poisonous.

[Teresa Strasser]

He looks like George Carlin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I have a feeling his sex offender registration is not up to date.

[Giovanni]

But on the good side, ladies, if you see a guy out in the yard licking rocks, you know his tongue is open for business. When he gets in the boudoir, be like, oh, sorry, I don't do that.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's another great thing that happens as, like as you start off in diapers and you end up in diapers. You start off at birth weight and end up back at birth weight.

[Giovanni]

That's the other 6.7 ounces. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you need some to wipe you. It's like Tuesdays with Mori.

[Teresa Strasser]

That guy needs a pneumatic lift of shampoo.

[Giovanni]

All right, well, that is a hu. In Newberry Springs with the world's oldest man is one day I'm.

[Teresa Strasser]

One day I'm going to find myself.

[Giovanni]

You know, he has.

[Teresa Strasser]

In an elevator with him.

[Giovanni]

I know. And he wants to go, hey, why.

[Teresa Strasser]

Are we stopping between floors? You. I'm going to love you to death.

[Giovanni]

You know, this old guy has a couple successful kids somewhere around the country, and he talks to him on the phone on a semi regular basis and talk to them about who he's going to leave the rock collection too. And they're all very magnanimous, like, oh, you know what, Julie, she always loves geodes. She loved geodes at Carla, he was talking about a Duesenberg. It'd be a completely different tone, but they become the greatest. You know what, pops? I got all the rocks I can carry.

[Teresa Strasser]

I got some good rocks. And I got a new rock that I found. It did. It came hidden in a baby and.

[Giovanni]

And I had.

[Teresa Strasser]

There was a rock in the head that I now have. It had eyes and a brain in it.

[Giovanni]

I need you to lick something called Ensure T bone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

You got the rest of the news. All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I. You know, I had a new story with Theresa Strasser. Unless you.

[Giovanni]

No, go ahead. Give us A new star.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, Elena Kagan is being to join the Supreme Court. And they say the big problem is that they're having a hard time getting her to tell them her opinions. I thought she was a woman.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, biologically, maybe. Biologically, I wanted.

[Teresa Strasser]

I wish I was a comic in the late 60s that I could just do, like, the terrible. Like. There was a big blackout in Boston last night. The police picked him up before he hurt anybody. Woman goes into the police department. She says, officer, I was molested in the park. He says, here, suck this lemon. She says, what'll that do? It'll wipe that grin off your face.

[Giovanni]

I'm laughing at you.

[Teresa Strasser]

These are all real. Those are all playboy party jokes from the 70s.

[Giovanni]

I'm guessing she hasn't had a rock licked a lot. And if she was, it wasn't by the old man. Now we're. Yes. Weezer. Let's have Dana stand off to the side. To the right with you. Oh, okay. Then the picture won't be on space. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Dana, have you been watching?

[Teresa Strasser]

Who said that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's Donnie.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, Donnie. I couldn't see him back there. Hi, Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you been watching the confirmation hearings?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, I would rather watch a moth die. I don't have any interest in that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Well, here's a story out of Germany.

[Giovanni]

I've been watching.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been watching?

[Giovanni]

Yes. Not jackable.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

Almost. Almost. Almost impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing.

[Giovanni]

Almost.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even when one of the senators asks a question.

[Giovanni]

Schumer. Yeah, but just Schumer. Yeah, that's it.

[Teresa Strasser]

If there was a chance of her not getting it, I would watch it out of interest. But.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

It is what we call a FETA company.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is a fait accompli.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Enough of that Mexican around here. Just go overboard.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, I gotta say, I saw today at the store, everybody was talking about the Gulf. I said, the store today. I saw sardines packed in oil. See, already they're just working it into.

[Giovanni]

The do that move now.

[Adam Carolla]

That makes it funny.

[Giovanni]

You know what else is funny? Donnie told Dana to move. And then the screen went blank for the first time ever.

[Teresa Strasser]

Turns out I was. It's like a Scientology.

[Giovanni]

There we go. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Giovanni]

All right. Sorry. T. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

The new A man was arrested in Germany because he was on a train and some of his fellow passengers were offended by his ringtone. Let's take a listen. I think we have it.

[Giovanni]

Wow. Jump in my car.

[Adam Carolla]

He actually had an Adolf Hitler ringtone.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He could face as long as six months in prison. For the Nazi ringtone he programmed into his phone. According to the Telegraph, the man's ringtone was a speech in which Hitler threatened the destruction of world Jewry if Germany was dragged into war. Passengers aboard a train to Hamburg heard the ringtone multiple times and reported it to police. The man, 54, was arrested when the train reached his destination. Swastika stickers and a photo of Hitler with the words the greatest commander of all time were also seized from the man.

[Giovanni]

Hitler.

[Teresa Strasser]

One ball.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's what I heard.

[Teresa Strasser]

One ball. Love dogs.

[Giovanni]

Yep. He. He should replace it with Mel's outgoing message. Now in Oxana's thing, that'd be an compromise, you know.

[Teresa Strasser]

It is. Eva Braun. Hitler had a girlfriend, you know, and there are times when I didn't have a girlfriend thinking Hitler had a girlfriend.

[Giovanni]

Wow. Yeah, I know. I felt that same way when Lyle and Eric Menendez were fielding marriage offers from the joint and there's some hot chicks rolling in and I was home beating off at my apartment. I was like, what?

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm still watching, you know, a Dusty Voice VHS of Ginger Lynn's Girl Girl hits.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't wanna. I don't like. See, that's the thing. When you have.

[Giovanni]

I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

If this happened to you when you have daughters, it kind of kills a lot of porn.

[Giovanni]

I thought it would.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, yeah, one thing. No, you did. It happened to me because I just see people as.

[Giovanni]

This is like when a real children. No, no, no. This is like when a real hardcore smoker finds out that one of his buddies gets pancreatic cancer or lung cancer. You think it would slow him down? Not if you're hardcore.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay. I thought I was hardcore. The. The 2020 video in my neighborhood in the porn section had the Western doors. So when you go in and be.

[Giovanni]

Like, shame, shame, shame, shame.

[Teresa Strasser]

I love the mechanics of the mechanics. Mechanics of the porn section in terms of, like, if a guy drops dead on the street, people like, hey, what's going Right on top of what's going on?

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

But if that same guy walks in the porn store, give him some room. Yeah, man's making a porn choice.

[Giovanni]

I like the Western Doors because I always used to go, like, there's not enough room in this porn section for enough pathetic. Guys are addicted to jacking off. I'm gonna clean up this one tissue town. And then some miner would come in. Hey, there's coming them their heels. Yeah, it's always one of the weirder, more uncomfortable. We're gonna have to have. Well, you don't have a son either.

[Teresa Strasser]

The new Anabolic compilations here. The new Anabolic compilations here. God damn it.

[Giovanni]

You throw your hat down. Yeah. Yeah, everybody. Where's the Best of Chrissy Canyon? It's rented out. God darn it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Denver Pyle comes in every time I'm about to come. They cut to Ron Jeremy. I have me an accidental mangasm.

[Giovanni]

That.

[Teresa Strasser]

Doesn'T go on your record, by the way.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's happening. Oh, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Oh.

[Teresa Strasser]

I. Four hours I milked this.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. It is very upsetting. There should. If there was a class action lawsuit against Ron Jeremy in his face for every guy that dropped a load when a big sweaty mug of his, we'd all be millionaires. The other thing that's weird. I. I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just cut to that oil coming out of the.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Getting back to your daughters not to weave them into the porn thing. It's a weird etiquette. You have to kind of pretend like you've stumbled into the place. What are these nude people hugging for? Well, perhaps I could kill some time here. I'll look around.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have no particular love each other in this movie.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yes. I have no particular interest or proclivities. I'll just wander around like. I don't know what I like sexually, but one time I did go into the thing intent on grabbing some Asian porn, and there was an Asian dude in the section. And I don't know if that's a tip of the cap to him and his people or a slap in the face.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know.

[Giovanni]

What do you say? I could be construed either.

[Teresa Strasser]

Who do you like?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I was probably grabbing a minka Chinese restaurant.

[Teresa Strasser]

Mostly it's Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's true.

[Giovanni]

All right. Sorry, T. What were you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there was one of these old school judges in Ohio and he got mad at this murderer for spitting on a jury. So when he returned to court, he was wearing a diaper and a mosquito net of over his head.

[Giovanni]

Wow. Oh, is that him?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's him.

[Giovanni]

Is that a diaper?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a diaper.

[Teresa Strasser]

And did the judge sentence him to appear in court like that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what you get for spitting on the jury.

[Giovanni]

But how do you find it a jury of your peers? Like. Because there couldn't be other guys out there breathing into a diaper.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, really? I have an idea. Why don't somebody go on the Internet? I'm sure we'd find through a diaper 70. 12 million.

[Giovanni]

12 horny men.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, 12 men. 12 visible hands.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad you mentioned the Internet, because, you know, we. We do a bit. Who the f sells this? S where we go on Craigslist. Yeah, we go on Craigslist and we find unusual things for sale.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can I interrupt just one second, please? Why isn't Huell Howser interviewing this guy? Huell Howser would see this guy and go, I'm at a courthouse where they have a diaper box in here somewhere. Let's find no target. The murderer wearing the diaper. So you have diapers in a storage closet.

[Giovanni]

I wish someone had shit in this thing first.

[Teresa Strasser]

What else is in this storage closet? There's pens, paper clips.

[Giovanni]

Your Honor, I'd like. I know I had life imprisonment, but I'd like to. I'd like the electric chair, please, so I can escape this hell known as Huell Hauser. Huell, you want to sit on my lap? Where.

[Teresa Strasser]

What were your plans for that diaper later?

[Giovanni]

No particular plans. That's. Would you like it?

[Teresa Strasser]

There are particular plans now, my friend. All right, Teresa. I wanted to take us down a cul de sac. That was unrewarding. I succeeded.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I was rewarding. Now here's a.

[Giovanni]

Here's a f cell. This is right.

[Adam Carolla]

We do a bit where we find people who. I think we found an 88 year old man, Bob. He was selling three ring binders. Yeah, I love Bob too. I think we're gonna follow up with Bob.

[Giovanni]

He sold Amphicars, the amphibious cars and. And a Mercedes gull wing. That's right. I remember people buy their cars and.

[Adam Carolla]

He had a bunch of three ring binders he was selling. Anyway, people sell really weird shit on craigslist list including a pink upholstered vagina couch.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

This is for sale?

[Giovanni]

Oh, Lord. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the ad. Here's the ad from.

[Teresa Strasser]

Are you sure that's not the octomom?

[Giovanni]

It's got a clitoris. Or clitoris, as my grandmother used to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the ad. Beautiful pink vagina couch that I made in art school and no longer have space for.

[Giovanni]

First off, you always have space for a vagina couch.

[Adam Carolla]

You make space.

[Giovanni]

The day I declare there's no space in my home for a vagina couch is the day I stop living, my friend.

[Teresa Strasser]

He describes his couch as heavy. Like a couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. It's large. It's a large vagina couch. It measures 5ft 3 inches long. 3ft 3 inches inches wide at the middle. Stands 2 in 2ft 3 inches tall.

[Teresa Strasser]

It doesn't say much for the girl he was dating at the time. You know, I was just looking at your cooter and got an idea.

[Giovanni]

Now, he made it. I like the fact that he made it in school because, you know, he probably had a Christian art teacher who would like, come around and be like, brett, how's the pink hot dog bun couch going? Yeah, going good. All right, checking in.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like standing by the well, I see you have that couch of the Rolling Stones logo. And then he's like, turn it back this way.

[Adam Carolla]

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that the couch has some scuff marks and stains.

[Teresa Strasser]

I bet it does.

[Giovanni]

Whose does it?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, especially after you have a couple of step stools, am I right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise it's in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a three hour drive north of San Francisco. I'm asking for $600 and a loving home call.

[Giovanni]

Willow, couple things. When I hear the vagina couch is functional, I go somewhere else, you know what I mean? Number one, not enough Scotchgard North America to take care of that baby.

[Teresa Strasser]

The couch is not even close to being out.

[Giovanni]

There was ever a couch that needed grandma's plastic. This is it.

[Teresa Strasser]

My rollerblades, on the other hand.

[Giovanni]

But aren't you scared, like, you're going to show up at that guy's house and he's going to like, I'm here for your vagina sofa. And he's like, it's in the basement. Come in. Where did you park? I hope down the street. Do you have a cinder block so I could put it on the accelerator of your truck and drive it toward them? Perhaps I've said too much.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you want to see my necklace made of feet?

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm starting it today.

[Giovanni]

I like that there's a shot of him in it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Actually, it's a delivery man. After you take this picture, you're gonna let me go, right? That's right. Wanna see a tape of an old guy licking a rock?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's hard to top a vagina couch, but thanks to nerve.com.

[Giovanni]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Teresa Strasser]

You weren't in my frat.

[Giovanni]

Does it come with the maxi pad throw pillows? Thank you. Thank you. That's why I get the big box. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

This also from Craig.

[Teresa Strasser]

Why does the cat love that coat so much?

[Adam Carolla]

This also from Craigslist. Here is the posting. This is A bad of us personal delivery bike starts out normal. It's black, has one speed, a coaster break, a kickstand, chain case racks and a dynamo lighting system. I discovered it in the basement of the Smith and Butler boutique in Carroll Gardens last October. I am selling this bicycle because my therapist suggested I need to come to terms with my attraction to African American women. No sister is going to date a 34 year old systems administrator Ryan riding a European grocery bike. However, when I would cruise slowly down park slopes fifth Avenue, panties would literally fly off of every white or Asian woman with a stroller and a master's degree. I live in Williamsburg now and the bike confuses most of the women here. If I grow my mustache out a little and explain it only has one speed, like a fixie, I can sometimes get to second base. But for the most part I might as well have a sole patch and collect classic cameras. If you want to get some action, I'd only take this baby out south of Atlantic Avenue. Spring is coming and if you like flat ass waspy moms who went to Vassar, this is the ride you need. $300 OBO if you want.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, if you want a muscular bubble butt sister, get rid of this bike. Please buy it yours, Barack Hussein Obama.

[Giovanni]

You know, I'm just picturing back in the day, like remember when you guys would sell something in the recycler? Like in the 80s early 90s, it wasn't all computer driven. You'd call them up and you'd have to talk them through it like it's an 86 Nissan King Cab with low mileage. And then they would do, they'd repeat it back to you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I sold my fax machine through the recycler and you called them to the guy's house and it was Russ Tamblyn, the co star of west side Story.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Giovanni]

Wow. How gay of you to recognize him.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know he was on Twin Peaks. He had just been on Twin Peaks.

[Giovanni]

But still gay porn than I own. There you go.

[Teresa Strasser]

And now my friend dates his daughter. So it's an even smaller no kidding David Cross.

[Giovanni]

I'm just saying. Could you picture that's his.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's him.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. That's Dano from Hawaii 5o.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, that's Russ Tamlin from.

[Adam Carolla]

You're telling me he played Tony.

[Giovanni]

This is amazing. Wait a minute. Who was dano from Hawaii 50 then?

[Teresa Strasser]

It was not Ross Tamblyn. That's a different guy like him.

[Giovanni]

All right, now where was I? Oh yes. I'm just saying.

[Teresa Strasser]

That shorted me on a fax.

[Giovanni]

No, I'm just saying, could you imagine calling this one in versus sending it like. All right, got the part about me digging fat black chicks. Okay, repeat it back to me. Okay. Now, I didn't say the underpants flew off. I said the panties flew off. Please get it right. All right, repeat it back.

[Teresa Strasser]

My dad is so freaked out, freaking and freaked outly racist, that the first time he came to la, he just looks at the car in front of us like, jesus Christ, what is it? He goes, every time I see a goddamn white woman, she's in the Cow with a black guy. That's just another woman with black hair.

[Giovanni]

Right? He's looking.

[Teresa Strasser]

He sees it everywhere.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

He doesn't even like to watch people with bright teeth eating licorice. He just can't. The colors are mixing.

[Giovanni]

I can't stand Bostonian guy. Where's she?

[Teresa Strasser]

Can you believe it?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's weird. They're smart and racist and angry over there. It's a weird combination.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yep.

[Giovanni]

What is that?

[Teresa Strasser]

It is a very racist city.

[Giovanni]

It's so weird. It's.

[Teresa Strasser]

But my hometown.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know. See, it's weird, though, because they're smart. Like, usually there's the, you know, you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Get Harvard and all those schools are right there. But then there's a very, you know, working class. There's the upstairs, downstairs aspect of it they don't take kindly.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, I saw Goodwill hunting.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Tells you all need to know.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Tiger woods is about to be single again.

[Giovanni]

Oh, your dad not a fan of him?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, no. And he took her. And he. As he was. He took our last sport. It's all we have now. I'm into curling.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's all we got.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have.

[Giovanni]

We got ice fishing and curling.

[Teresa Strasser]

Got all the sports and music. Your Latinos got your manual labor market all sewn up. The Japanese get everything you plug into the wall that lights up and buzzes. The only thing left for regular white people is titty bars and ventriloquism. That's all we have left. Somebody get me a dummy because I ain't taking off my shirt. No shutties.

[Adam Carolla]

TMZ is condom full of walnuts. That eland will not get near the reported 750 million that is been reported in the settlement. As one source puts it, Tiger isn't even worth that much. The source added, however, she'll do a lot better than she would have under the prenup. In May 2009, Forbes estimated Tiger's worth at 600 million.

[Giovanni]

Why have a prenup if it doesn't get honored? I don't understand the. It's gonna throw it out, but it's a plus.

[Teresa Strasser]

His wife was like. His wife could have married, you know, Johnny Winter.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And people. People would still go, God damn, his wife is white.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

She looks like the elfin queen from the Hobbit. I mean, she looks like she's on a Cleco Club ginger ale cab.

[Giovanni]

I know. She's really hot, but she's super pasty. But I'll tell you, that makes one hell of a porn video right there.

[Teresa Strasser]

Her hair is almost white. Her skin is translucent. She looks like a photo negative of Michelle Obama.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now he's gonna be single.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I said it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, speaking of Adam, speaking of Michelle Obama. So I saw the Joan Rivers documentary and I. She stole one of your jokes.

[Giovanni]

What about her having nice arms? That's nice. Oh, she stole my palakio Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, actually, she pitched it, and then everyone in the room kind of got silent and uncomfortable.

[Giovanni]

Like now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So she did not end up using it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Smart. Yeah. Well, it's. When she was wearing the pillbox hat, you know, and all that stuff. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is this the COVID of the book Communion? Oh, no, it's.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I can't figure out if she looks.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like she should be summoning Richard Dreyfus up onto the ship.

[Giovanni]

All right, last news story.

[Teresa Strasser]

T bone again, my point. At a certain point, you want to die.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

She should start dating the lock rate or the rock liquor of Newberry Springs. You're just done. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

There was a guy in Borneo who was 113. When you're that age and you wake up in the morning, you're just like, you gotta be kidding me.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. It's got to be disappointing. Like, you got to open your eyes every morning.

[Teresa Strasser]

Dracula. Can I just goddamn die?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

My friend's grandkids are dead. Can I get the fuck out of here?

[Giovanni]

It must be a weird feeling to open your eyes in the morning, go, ah, fuck this ceiling.

[Teresa Strasser]

What do I think what I'll do today? Maybe I'll try to bend my knee. I mean, there's nothing to do when you're there.

[Giovanni]

And then what do you do? Like, maybe we got a sitcom here, but then you want to go with our record. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You want to go visit where they buried your pilot? After we see where they buried my.

[Giovanni]

Pilot, they do that thing where, like, here's the sitcom part.

[Teresa Strasser]

Haida is not as responsible for the many Dead pilots as you and I.

[Giovanni]

True, I know. Black Hawk Down. No, it's like, here's the. Here's the. Here's the.

[Teresa Strasser]

I've had my hand in more failed pilots and an Air Force proctologist.

[Giovanni]

Do the dance. Do it. Now, here's what happens. Here's what happens. He's a. He's a deeply religious man, this Borneo man.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

But he's so bored with living he can't take it anymore. Watching the same movie over and over again. So he realizes he can't take his own life, he'll go to hell.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Giovanni]

So he like breaks the pilgrimage, like down to like South Central, and he finds like some Crips. And he's like, hey, you guys want some fried chicken? I hear that's what you enjoy. And he's like, come on, come on. And they just like, they're about to beat him up. And then all of a sudden, you know, Mel Gibson drives by or something. I go, fuck it. The whole thing is that like it can't.

[Teresa Strasser]

I can't even get murdered, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, right. It's a hit.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll leave you with this story. Sean Penn is gonna produce and star in a new movie about a surfer. Have you guys heard of this guy? Dorian?

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. How can he smoke when he's surfing?

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna find a way.

[Giovanni]

He's got a wetsuit for cigarette.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's gonna serve the way Batman served, clearly on a table.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Annette Funicello on his shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna play Doc Pascowin, the subject of the 2007.

[Giovanni]

You choose with your surfing already.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, this is the same movie as his last movie. No, no, into the Wild, about a guy that walked away from society and went out to live in the woods. You ever see the movie into the Wild with John?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course.

[Teresa Strasser]

About the rich kid that didn't like being rich.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

So he went out to live in the woods by himself.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I was one of the producers on it. Really? No, I'm just saying it to be a dick.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know my review of that. It's based on a true story. You know what could have saved that guy's entire wasted life? If somebody had just said, it's hard to grow up.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's hard to grow up. Or if someone would have just stayed in town and screwed.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is the same story about the guy that forced his kids to be homeless and they deprived, they had no money and they drove around, surfed all the time, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah. Is it that guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Surf wise, he was A Stanford medical school graduate who quit his job and started traveling in a trailer. You're exactly right. With his nine kids to surf the world, almost all of his nine kids went on to become champion surfers.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. And they all hate him.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. See, as a man who goes to China on a bi weekly basis to rescue children with cleft palates, this kind of abuse makes you sick.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know, this is the guy smearing his psychosis up his children's nose.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm up in this way.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hey, good for you. Another Sean Penn is going to, you know, eulogize another narcissistic, self entered jackass.

[Giovanni]

Well, but don't you. It's Sean Penn. Is he.

[Teresa Strasser]

I said self centered.

[Giovanni]

Oh.

[Teresa Strasser]

But I actually said self entered. But that's sort of the same thing.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I like it. Self entered or I'd still be in the parking lot.

[Giovanni]

I've never.

[Adam Carolla]

Do the dance.

[Giovanni]

Do the dance. Never met the man, but he seems like a pompous ass to me. Sean Penn. Yeah, you do you man, he does.

[Teresa Strasser]

Have a way of turning Democrats into Republicans.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Teresa Strasser and that was the news.

[Giovanni]

The news with Teresa Strasser. Eat a dick.

[Teresa Strasser]

Msnbc.

[Giovanni]

One more time for Teresa Strasser on the news. Dana Gould, where are you gonna be, brother?

[Teresa Strasser]

I'll be at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater next Tuesday.

[Giovanni]

I got an Asian kid.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. And you can see me this week, this month on Showtime in the green room. And a little documentary called I Am Comic.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I have that.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's very good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we have the.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sean Penn is from the movie.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. That starred Will Smith.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna watch that bald Bryan fire off a couple sound effects. Bald Brian. What the hell? Oh, okay, fuck it. Give a plug to where we might find you and catch up on your progress. I'll be on your show.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, check out and inconvenient tumor.com and follow my broadcast.

[Giovanni]

Inconvenient tumor falls. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

How you doing? How you doing? You look great. How do I look? You look great.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not too bad. You look great.

[Giovanni]

Thanks, buddy. I feel okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right, we'll save this for after the show. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dana Gould, Teresa Strasser, Paul Bryan, Mike Goss and Mike Lynch. My good buddy. The. Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Don't miss out. Corolla on the road this Friday and.

[Giovanni]

Saturday night at the San Jose Improv at the San Jose at the San Diego House of Blues on July 24th and August 6th. To the 8th at the Tempe Improv. And remember, friends, Adam, Teresa and Brian will be signing autographs and shaking hands right there in the foyer of the Improv. So hang out. All right, this is Adam Kroll show 356. That does it for this weekend's Kroll Classics. Until next time, mahalo. And get it on sa.