Brian Bishop (2:17)

Gina, let it go.

Gina Grad (2:18)

I'm sorry. It's my favorite word.

Brian Bishop (2:19)

It's offensive.

Adam Carolla (2:20)

Phil came with me to work today because I got Phil slobber on my arm. It was raining outside, or it was raining, and the wife had a few appointments, and we didn't want to leave Phil out in the rain, even though someone left Phil out in the rain.

Gina Grad (2:38)

He's really surveying the perimeter.

Brian Bishop (2:39)

He really is securing, sniffing for bombs.

Adam Carolla (2:42)

Phil did something that was really, really nice the other day, which is he sleeps on Natalia's bed. He slee. He hangs out with me in the office until it's time for me to go to sleep. And then I sort of shoo him outside for one last emptying of the bladder. And then it's time for me to carry him up on. Put him up on top of Natalia, who's asleep by then. But Phil then sleeps dutifully, hopefully not too dutifully on top of Natalia. But I was sitting in my office the other day, and I was just chatting it up with the wife, and Phil was just sort of sitting on the floor, and Natalia was in the other room and started making a noise as only Natalia will do. Natalia comes from a long line of loudmouths who. I realize it's bizarre, but my grandmother famously would come home from work and scream for my grandfather, who. It was one of these things. It's tantamount to the person that knocks on the bathroom door and then opens it simultaneously, somehow.

Brian Bishop (3:57)

Props that are open.

Adam Carolla (3:58)

Yes. Let me explain the concept behind knocking on a bathroom door or any door, whether it's the maid who does the room service or the maid, and then she'll do the thing where she'll tap twice on the door long enough for you to look up from the toilet. And then the door just goes sailing open. And you're like, here's how I feel like I want to have this discussion with people named streets and with people who knock. Like, here is the purpose of why the Blue Jay way and Lane and Tara shouldn't be next to each other, because they all start with Blue Jay. And the reason you knock is to see if somebody's inside the room that may be napping in an intimate moment or may just be watching TV in their underpants. But either way, you must then give them time to respond. Otherwise the knock is really null and void. And all it does is you now are established with eye contact while the person is mid beat or mid shit or mid what? Nap or mid whatever. All it does if all the knock does is give you time to turn and look.

Brian Bishop (4:57)

Yeah, you've ironically made it the opposite

Adam Carolla (4:59)

of what the knock should be, right? And my. My grandmother would come home from the VA and she just walked through the door, and she'd be like, lotsy. And then without any hesitation, like, she didn't. He'd be in the kitchen running like Tom Cruise with the weird karate chop, yelling, yes, dear. But he couldn't beat her. He couldn't beat her. It was. Somehow, she thought he was fucking Dr. Bombay. Like, she was gonna walk into the living room and Yellozzi, and a big poof of smoke would come up, and he'd be standing there with a polo mallet and full uniform going, yes, my dear, I was playing with the Shah of Iran and Bahrain. What is it now? Like, the old man's in the kitchen, give him four Mississippi to turn and start walking toward the front door. But no, no, the big yoo hoo would come flying out moments later.

Gina Grad (5:54)

So Natalia has a little Grandma Carolla in her.

Adam Carolla (5:56)

Well, Lynette's mom was very much insane that way, too, with the crazy woo. She was nutty and religious and would just sort of yell out a kind of speaking in tongues kind of. Kind of a praise Jesus with just crazy woo. And Natalia does the crazy screams. Sonny doesn't make a peep. Sonny. You don't know where. Many of my discussions with my wife, as it pertains to Sonny go the following way. Where's Sonny? He's behind you. Oh. How long have you been there? About three days. Okay. All right. Carry on. I thought you were out. I thought you were at a friend's house. You're just standing behind me. Okay, that's.

Brian Bishop (6:40)

Keep up the good ones.

Adam Carolla (6:40)

That's. Natalia screams, but Natalia did. So we're sitting in the office with Lynette, myself, and Phil, and Natalia let one of her things go from her room, which is. It's hard to tell if it's joyous, if it's anguish, if she's being backed over by a, you know, asphalt spreader or she just saw her favorite star on TV or whatever it is, but she gives the whatever, and all of a sudden, Phil perks up. Like, Phil. Phil's ears. Like, dog whistle. Yeah. His ears perk up like mommy's in trouble, like it's a crazy something and does a very hard and purposeful trot. Like, I'm gonna go investigate what's going on over there, because I heard a noise that sounded like distress. It wasn't from. From the room she gave.

Gina Grad (7:36)

She gives a pretty Hearty suey, Like, to the pigs?

Adam Carolla (7:39)

Yes. She's very. She's very suey, and she's very out there, and she, you know, like. Like I said, if anybody walks by, she'll scream at them walking down the street and stuff. How you doing? They're waving at them and stuff. It's a weird. Again, it's that thing, or it's like, what's an introvert? What's an extrovert? It has no. Well, my mother was in the opera, so of course I'm. No, no, they're just. They're just how they are. Just how they are. You guys have known them for a long time. They're. They're. You've known Brian. You've known the kids their entire lives. They're just how they are.

Brian Bishop (8:10)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (8:11)

There's no. There's no. There's not much molding. I've always said you can ruin a kit.

Brian Bishop (8:18)

What's that? Can you put it. Can you. Can you point it in a direction? You know what I mean?

Adam Carolla (8:21)

Can you harness it, you know, once in a while on. Like I said, on Saturday when we're heading to the hardware store to get a rope swing going. Sunny won't go near the rope swing, but she. We're going to the rope swing place, and, you know, I give her. We're going to ropes and such.

Brian Bishop (8:40)

That's in the ropes district. Right.

Adam Carolla (8:41)

We're going to. We're going to the orchard to buy the plywood disc that I'm gonna drill a hole in and the paint to paint it up and put the rope through it and blah, blah, blah. And as we're backing out, I said, you know why we make a good team, Natalia? And she goes, because we got a motor. Oh, wow. Yeah, we do.

Brian Bishop (8:58)

She knows the answer.

Adam Carolla (8:59)

That's why we're taking care of business.

Brian Bishop (9:00)

She knows the answer to the test.

Adam Carolla (9:01)

Yeah. And that's.

Will Forte (9:04)

She.

Adam Carolla (9:04)

She. You can. You can take that part, I think, and try to harness it for good, you know?

Gina Grad (9:10)

But you can't make her into Sonny or Sonny into Natalia.

Adam Carolla (9:13)

No, no, no. But Phil is with me because it was raining today. He didn't have anywhere to go, and thus he's passed out. Let's see. Yeah. Behind me.

Brian Bishop (9:23)

Well, one of the best moments so far was Phil got behind the curtains that we have here in the studio, and all I saw was a tongue coming out to select the ground.

Adam Carolla (9:31)

That was great. So now Phil is passed out. I shan't make the show about him, but he brings a little joy to everybody. And we bring him around. Speaking of the weird thing that people do. And we always talk about this like the equivalent of the knock and then swing the door open. I'm not sure how this works, but I got the Gary. The monitors aren't on, by the way. I got return. I think we returned home on Sunday from the beach with the cryptic message from Lynette's brother on her phone saying, call me. I got some bad news.

Gina Grad (10:18)

Is there anything worse than a call me?

Adam Carolla (10:21)

It turns out there is something worse. It's when you find out it's not really that bad. Now Lynette has a father who's 85 and not in fantastic shape. When the brother calls and says, leaves a message, says, call me, I got bad news.

Gary (10:42)

Who died?

Adam Carolla (10:43)

There's only one possibility, and that's dad died. There's a being a C, which is some other family member died, but second cousin. It's pretty much. Yeah.

Brian Bishop (10:55)

The sentence is going to end the same way.

Adam Carolla (10:56)

I was standing there and remember, famously, when Lynette's mother died and the whole discussion about leave the neighbor alone and so he's dead. It's the torn from the pages of. Well, it wouldn't have made it into a sitcom, but maybe curb your enthusiasm or something like that, where I'm screaming, you know, leave the neighbor alone. I want him to check on him. My mom, I don't. I'm worried to leave him alone. I'm sure she's fine. And then what? Oh, she's dead. Like, literally while I'm standing there, like, the guy with the phone just walks across the little easement and walks in and sees her dead body laying on the ground. And he dug herself.

Will Forte (11:37)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (11:38)

So I've already been through it. I was already standing next to her on the phone when mama died. And now we're going through it with dad. Turns out mama, who was a third degree black belt in, like, taekwondo and insane. The bad news from the brother is her martial arts instructor has passed. Who Lynette has never met.

Gary (12:06)

Wait a second.

Brian Bishop (12:06)

That is pretty bad. Bad as in what someone out there is mourning?

Will Forte (12:12)

We don't know.

Gina Grad (12:13)

It's not Lynette.

Adam Carolla (12:13)

We don't know.

Gina Grad (12:15)

I got some bad news.

Adam Carolla (12:16)

Call me when you have an elderly father. The mother's already passed. And this is about the guy, by the way. Obviously, if the guy was the instructor to your elderly mother who's passed already, it wasn't, you know, oh, his sandrail rolled on Pismo Beach. And it's so sad to see these gu struck down into Pro. Yeah, like, obviously the sensei is, you know, like Joel Silver. No, Joel. No, no, fuck.

Brian Bishop (12:49)

Kreese. John Kreese.

Adam Carolla (12:51)

No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking of the. Oh, Shatner's here. Okay, we'll get him in a second.

Brian Bishop (12:56)

Sensei.

Adam Carolla (12:57)

Yes, I'm thinking of the movie where Joel McHale.

Brian Bishop (13:05)

Schumacher.

Adam Carolla (13:07)

Murray. Now this is. No, no. Older Haley Joel. Broadway Joel Gray. Yes.

Gina Grad (13:16)

You're welcome.

Adam Carolla (13:17)

Joel Gray. Thank you.

Brian Bishop (13:18)

That was for you, Gina. That was a layup.

Adam Carolla (13:21)

Joel Gray played the old Asian sensei in Cabaret.

Brian Bishop (13:28)

Okay, I got it.

Kalin Bean (13:28)

Yes, thank you.

Adam Carolla (13:29)

I got it in. I knew it in that movie. Oh, my God. We're gonna come up.

Caller (13:41)

You've seen it.

Adam Carolla (13:41)

Oh, you've seen it. Oh, no, it's a pretty. Fred Ward starred in it and as a young Mike August.

Brian Bishop (13:48)

I feel bad.

Adam Carolla (13:50)

No, you'll know. It's Dutch McConnell. The legacy continues. Okay. You'll know it. You'll know what the movie is. And he played an old. It was back when a Jewish dude could play an old Asian dude. But it was right at the end of that period. But anyway, the adventure.

Gina Grad (14:13)

Williams.

Adam Carolla (14:13)

Remo Williams. The adventure begins. He played his sensei. Thank you. When the old guy who owned the dojo, by the way, who Lynette's never met and. Or she did meet, she was nine and has not seen in 40 years. When that person goes, feel free to incorporate that. Well, feel free not to call at all. Right, Right.

Brian Bishop (14:43)

An email would suffice. A text.

Gina Grad (14:45)

You keep it to yourself.

Adam Carolla (14:46)

I would say nothing.

Brian Bishop (14:49)

You're right. This is not news.

Adam Carolla (14:50)

I'm saying if, like, one of my dad's trumpet buddies from 35 years ago passed away at age 86, I wouldn't need. Heads up.

Brian Bishop (14:58)

Was there any follow up conversation with the brother? That's a strange way to.

Adam Carolla (15:01)

There was this. There was this great moment of Lynette looking at me going, here we go. Like, okay, dad, Dad's gone. Dad's gone. And then there's me kind of having that stupid moment where I have to balance my own feelings and agendas versus being a human being. Right? Where it's like, oh, fuck, now it's a night of shit. Like, are we gonna have to pack up and head out to the house? And what do I do with the kids? Yeah, like, what are we doing here? Meets with the Gonna Go by Paul Barron.

Brian Bishop (15:34)

Hand ready.

Adam Carolla (15:35)

Lynette dials, gets. Does the. Does the compulsory little bit of small talk right at the very top, you know? Good. The kids are good. Okay, okay. Good. How's everyone? Okay. Good. Okay. So what's going on, then, with the perfectly timed hello? Hello? Fucking cell phone. Fucking. Oh, the fucking reception. Talking into the phone. If you can hear me, I'm calling back on the landline. You know, a lot of that. And then that goes in. Then, of course, me pacing back and forth by the door, you know, trying to be supportive, waiting to see if there's tears or there's some whatever. Karate instructor for the woman who died over 10 years ago, who she then worked with 15 years before that, who Lynette's never met. I'm just saying, look, in a way, you're a better guy than I am because you're calling and leaving a message. But. But let's really. With the elderly dad, let's really tread lightly. Let's examine this just a little bit. Feel free to just say, call me back. Mom's karate instructor died. Like you have a limited amount of

Gina Grad (16:42)

time or without the call me back. It seems like more of a conversation ender than a conversation starter. Like, all right, I'll talk to you later. Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you. Do you know who died?

Adam Carolla (16:52)

I'm just saying there's a lot of people, and I don't believe that Lynette's brother's one of these people. They have a nefarious gene, which is they, like you dangling out there. They like the fact that they have dominion sort of over you for this period. I don't think he's that. I just think this is sort of. Just sort of bad form. But really, no need to ever do that to anybody ever.

Brian Bishop (17:17)

Speaking of sitcom, it sounds like the part of the sitcom where the person's watching your dog and the dog dies and you're gonna text and tell them. It's like you said, the text.

Adam Carolla (17:24)

No, don't send the text. We'll skin another dog. And they'll never.

Brian Bishop (17:27)

The credit instructor died like a karate instructor.

Gina Grad (17:29)

They'll never know.

Brian Bishop (17:30)

It sounds like the lie you come up with in the sitcom to throw them off the real bad thing.

Daniel Schechter (17:34)

That.

Adam Carolla (17:34)

Yes.

Brian Bishop (17:35)

What a strange thing to text about.

Adam Carolla (17:38)

Well, either way, we had a nice long moment of, okay, Dad's dead. Let's now make this official.

Gina Grad (17:45)

So if it's dad this time, is it going to be something horribly ironic

Brian Bishop (17:48)

like, lol, call me, winky face, pile of poop?

Adam Carolla (17:53)

One would hope.

Podcast Host (17:58)

That was Adam Krillo Show 1761. Next we have a clip from Adam Krillo Show 955. This is live from The Pasadena Ice House with Dave Attell, Alison Rose, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. A little Q and A's.

Adam Carolla (18:12)

Here's the deal. The chocolate pie is the biggest cop out in pie history. We're gonna buy a pie tin and scoop pudding into it, and then we'll put whipped cream. And that's not a fucking pie.

Gary (18:27)

Is it the lack of effort that's getting you?

Adam Carolla (18:29)

Yeah, it's like. It's chocolate pudding put inside a pie tin with some crust on it. Pies are baked with love, by the way. All right? Not scooped with malice. Yeah, but it looks so cool. It's got that, like, whipped cream in the middle. It's, like, fucking erotic, dude. It's like a nipple or something.

Gary (18:50)

Where are you guys on banana cream pie? Because I don't know where I am.

Adam Carolla (18:53)

Banana cream pie is good. That's. That's. I'll give that a pass. I said it's okay. Oh, we can't. Oh, wait, what's that? We could not go on, like, a pie tour together. No, I guess we can't do that. We would be like a. A mongoose and a snake. Exactly. Not get along well on our pie tour. But apple pie. Just think about it. You can put all this on top of it. It's even better. It's so great. It's like, you know, it's like. I don't know. It's like being loved. It's like a hug from the inside out. It's great. No, I know. The Alamode is good. Alamode. It's excellent, man. Hot and cold. It's like. Yeah, yeah. No, the best.

Gary (19:27)

Or on tv, they put cheese on it.

Adam Carolla (19:29)

Yeah. What is every slice of American cheese doing on apple pie? I've seen that. I thought all these truckers do that. I thought that was like a long haul trucker thing. Like. Yeah, I don't got time for a meal and a dessert, so just going to combine them into one evil thing, right? Those. You know who else does that? Those are the guys who put chili on spaghetti. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah, I don't. Who are those? That's a drunk. That's a drunk meal, Adam. That's when you're drunk. Like. Yeah, but also, maybe it's just one of those things where it's like apple pie, American cheese. We get it. You love this country. Now knock it off. Alam mode. Very French. Very French. You know what that is?

Gary (20:06)

That's. That's a terrorist pie. Because it's overcompensating.

Adam Carolla (20:09)

Aha. If I was a terrorist, I'd be walking through the airport with an apple pie with American cheese on it. Yeah. All right. Shall we take some questions from the audience? I think Ball Bryan has some cooked up. You guys threw some in. I'm intrigued because I was backstage and I heard someone say, this is a question that's never been asked before. But I didn't ask what it was. Do you have that question?

Brian Bishop (20:34)

Let's start off with it.

Adam Carolla (20:35)

And, you know, it's never been asked to me before.

Gary (20:39)

Let's just find out. It's a journey.

Brian Bishop (20:42)

I don't know if it's ever been asked of anyone before. From Tom Nawrocki is Tom Nairocki.

Adam Carolla (20:47)

Tom. Tom. There he is.

Brian Bishop (20:49)

We'll repeat the question because there's no microphone for the audience, but go ahead and for the. For us, yell it out. Okay. That's how crazy. Adam, here's the question. How do you control a split piss?

Adam Carolla (21:06)

Wow. Wow. Good one, Tom. That's a good one. Isn't that the weirdest? Yeah.

Brian Bishop (21:12)

Adam, explain to the ladies what that is.

Gary (21:16)

Oh, like we don't have those occasionally.

Adam Carolla (21:18)

Split piss is when two guys are teaming you. Let me answer for it. One of them is super girthy, but the other one's a bear. You're power bottom. He's wearing a gimp mask. Yeah. Tom, I don't even feel like this appropriate really going anymore. This. I will answer this after the show, if you don't mind. It's probably. I feel like it's gonna. Embarrassing. Split piss is when you're standing over the toilet. It's usually. I was gonna say after you had sex, but let's be more realistic after you beat off. Because I'm just playing the odds. Yeah. I'm playing a big tent. A lot of people. I'm playing the ejaculate odds here. And you stand over the toilet and you start peeing. And to the right, you notice you're filling a potpourri dish. And to the left, you're peeing on a magazine rack, but nothing is going into the toilet. And then you now have that Sophie's choice of. Well, yeah. What side? Looks like it's coming out at a greater volume. It's kind of that move like airport security where both lines are the same. This the same way. There's like nine guys in each.

Gary (22:26)

Just dial your dick 45 degrees.

Adam Carolla (22:28)

Oh, you should. Should I didn't I try not to ring my cock. That's a Corolla thing. You know, my dad told my Grandpa

Brian Bishop (22:37)

told my son, usually the next thought is how far till the shower.

Adam Carolla (22:41)

Yeah. Right. So there's the move where again, it's. It's like the airport security thing where he's like, should I go to that, by the way? I don't know why that's such a huge deal. Because it's. It always factors out about 55 seconds difference. But you're like, that guy's a savvy business traveler that. Oh, she's traveling with her kids. Oh, look at the guy running. Look at the chick running the fucking X ray. Look at her. She's tired. Yeah. She's not on a full night's sleep. No. No. And then you pick the wrong line every time.

Gary (23:08)

It's the equivalent of the grocery store map.

Adam Carolla (23:10)

Right, Right.

Gary (23:11)

Like there's a young person with a lot of groceries or an old person with only two.

Adam Carolla (23:14)

Right. It's got a bunch of.

Brian Bishop (23:15)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (23:15)

Travelers checks and coupons and war bonds and shit like that. So then you do that move where you go like, well, I gotta pick one direction. And then you literally find yourself peeing the direction that is not toward the bowl. And then instantly it clears up. And then you just start peeing on magazines. They cross the aisle, as I call it. Yeah. Thank God, almost everyone in magazines. I hate. Like, take that, Ashton Kutcher. You're not so beautiful now, are you? You're not so beautiful. How's it the taste? Wake up and smell the urine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kardashian family I is icing at all. Yeah, I know. That's a split piss. Yeah. I didn't even know that was a term that. Excellent. I didn't know that. I kept thinking, like, I was dying. So thank you, dude. I was like, holy, this can't be good. Well, let me tell you this. You use the sink, my friend. I don't care if it's a fork or a trident. It does not matter. Pickle, fork, trident, it doesn't matter what you're producing. It all goes in the same place. Yeah.

Gary (24:18)

How frequently does this happen?

Adam Carolla (24:22)

It's weird because here's the whole thing. It will sneak up on you. Yeah. It never alerts you. You know, it's like when people talk about breast cancer. Something like that. Nobody ever prepares you. I like when people do that. There's not a class you take in high school for breast cancer. You know, they always do that thing where it's like. Like one day it's there. You know, it's like that. So that's what the split piss is Nobody taps you on the shoulder and goes, in about four hours, you're gonna have a split piss. So emotionally prepared. Here's some Saran wrap for the potpourri. It doesn't happen. It just, it hits when you least expect it. Right after a rhubarb pie. That's when it happens. Yeah. Yeah. We never had a split. Never had a split piss conversation. No, that was really. Yeah, I like that. Serious, you're a tall man, right? You're over six foot. No. What are you, six? Two. No excuse not to use the sink. No, no excuse. And, but here, be, be prepared if you have kids or wife to pretend like you're doing something when they come into the bathroom other than pissing. Checking your look or whatever it is. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, I've had my.

Gary (25:28)

Imagine if you had an asparagus split piss.

Adam Carolla (25:31)

Oh, wow. You'd have to move. No.

Will Forte (25:34)

Wow.

Adam Carolla (25:34)

That's the perfect storm. Yeah. Excellent one, Ali. George Clooney starred in that. Excellent one. Yeah, that's once in a lifetime. Yeah.

Podcast Host (25:41)

Brian.

Brian Bishop (25:41)

All right, next question. Next question from Chris Pope. Where's Chris Pope? Chris Pope, right here in the front. What's your question, Chris? Your biggest regret.

Will Forte (25:51)

Wow.

Adam Carolla (25:53)

Wow. I, I'm gonna try to be, try to be truthful here. Let's see. I don't, I don't have. You know, it's weird because everyone does this thing where they go, oh, you talk so much shit about Hollywood. Is that slowing down your career? And I go, I have no idea. It's like asking someone, is your tap water killing you? Like, I feel a little sluggish. I know, but I don't know. I really don't know. I don't have a rear view mirror. Like, I really don't. I just try to look forward. And I'm sure there have been many times where somebody's been in a room and said, let's get Adam Carolla to do this. And then somebody chimed up. One chimed in, said, fuck that guy. They're gonna do anything ever again. And there's a lot of that. Like, But I, and I think, and I don't know, do you guys all have a biggest regret beside me answering this question in a super unfunny fashion, or.

Gary (26:49)

I feel like that's the kind of thing you're supposed to have chambered, like your favorite band and favorite movie, but instead, when anyone asks you, it makes you go,

Adam Carolla (26:58)

yeah, I, I, I have, I mean, not screaming at every teacher I had in high school. You, I'm gonna Be rich one day. Suck my dick. You're a loser. Don't. You may be a hero around this campus, but believe me, I know. You go home to your shitty apartment in van eyes and cry into your dinty Moore stew every night, you single sucker. Yeah, and everyone knows you don't want

Brian Bishop (27:22)

to have a cliched answer like that for everyone.

Adam Carolla (27:24)

No, no. But everyone has regret is probably not telling every teacher I had in high school to up. Yes. And everything boss I've had subsequent to that. Yes.

Gary (27:33)

What about women that hit on you that you didn't sleep with?

Adam Carolla (27:35)

Oh my. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I, I was, I was at a, at a, at a diner once and it up Beechwood, up Lake Hollywood or Beechwood area there. Hollywood. It's like Hollywood land. Yeah, Hollywood Land. But it's the worst name ever for a place. What should we call this place? Well, we're in Hollywood. Yeah, we'll put land on the end of it. And I was staring at like the hottest chick of hottest blonde chick I've ever seen in my life. And I was doing an interview. Actually it was the interview that started the man show because there was some guy that was a big fan of mine and he wanted to do a story on me. And all I was doing was loveline and like Mr. Burcham on Kroc. And his editor evidently wasn't a big fan. And his editor kept saying to him, we need more. Like what? What more do you have? Like what else? So he's doing Loveline. So what, what else? What else, what else? And we're sitting at this diner and I said to him, and I was looking at this blind, I was like the best looking woman I've ever seen in my life. And I said, well, I got this idea for the man show. Me and Jimmy Kimmel, blah, blah, blah. But it wasn't anything. I was just talking, trying to sort of pad this stuff because in Hollywood you have a bunch of ideas and none of them ever work out. But I was just adding shit that his editor could put on there and then he could get the story printed. And at some point the super hot dude the super hot chick was sitting with came over and said, hey, listen, my friend over there, the hot one, she, she's too shy to say anything, but she, she's a big fan, she wants to call. And by the way, it was the greatest moment my life because I was sitting with the guy who's interviewing me. I was like, oh, not again. Not again. Wow. Can I.

Gary (29:28)

Sorry to inconvenience you at least fucking

Adam Carolla (29:30)

finish my fries, dude, without the super hot chick wanting to blow me. And I. I got the phone number, and I. I had a girlfriend at the time, was not living with her, but I had a girlfriend, and I had this phone number, and I, like, had it. I had it with me for, like, 24 hours. And I was like, you have to throw it away, because if it sits in your pocket and then you get drunk, you're gonna fucking pick it up or something. So I. I threw it away, and the article got printed, and a guy named Michael Davies. Oh, who was over at, like, abc, his secretary got hold of the article and showed it to him. It's like, hey, show for men, about men all. Now, the thing that was funny is before then, my partners Daniel Kellison and Jimmy Kimmel, were like, you. You shouldn't be talking about this. Is someone else going to rip off our idea? And then they got the idea, read the article, and thus the man show was born. And about four years later, I was playing a celebrity softball game, and one of the guys who was the guy at that table came up to me and went, why did you not call that chick? That's the hottest fucking chick I've ever seen in my life. And I said, because I had a girlfriend, and I was stupid. I mean, what are you gonna tell the guy? I don't want to lie to him. I'll tell you my regret. Good boy. That's my greatest regret. He's not. That's pretty big regret. Yes. My regret is not wearing a sweater because it is fucking freezing in here. Am I right, guys? What is this, North Korea night at the fucking. It is the Ice House, dude. Fuck, it's cold. Adam, are you cold or not? No, but I'm on a roll, man. Okay. Sorry, dude. Sorry.

Gary (31:14)

I was also drinking Mangria.

Adam Carolla (31:15)

I'm drinking Mangria. It's like the inner fires are cooking away there. Yeah, it's like Sterno in a nice spot. All right, should we do one more?

Brian Bishop (31:25)

Yeah, sure. You're also wearing a very smart sweater, by the way. This is.

Adam Carolla (31:28)

I am. Thank you. It was one of those. Here's how involved my process is for picking out wardrobe. It was sitting out, like, I just.

Gary (31:39)

Is it yours?

Adam Carolla (31:40)

I think so. I was just in my bedroom going, what is this? All right, I'll put it on. What the hell? I'll give it. I'll try anything once.

Gary (31:48)

Your watch is smart as well.

Adam Carolla (31:49)

You know, I don't wear a watch, but I do when I'm on stage because it's like lose track of the time, you know? So I. I don't know why I don't wear a watch. It's a weird thing not wanting to know what time it is. I think that's a bad thing.

Brian Bishop (32:02)

One of the coolest groomsman gift I ever got was a pocket watch.

Adam Carolla (32:06)

Oh yeah. Cool. It's classy. Yeah, that's classy. It's very. All right.

Gary (32:10)

A little douchey.

Adam Carolla (32:11)

Douchey. Douchey and classy.

Gary (32:14)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (32:14)

Question from Philip Seastrom. Where's Philip Seastrom?

Podcast Host (32:21)

All right, this Adam Kroll Show 955. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 1346 with the great Richard Marks. We played many clips from this episode before. I think the entire episode as well. Well, this was a small chunk. Some more Q and A this time in the studio with Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2014.

Adam Carolla (32:48)

Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or anything. His Netflix queue. Before you spend bucks, remember his taste sucks.

Will Forte (33:06)

He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers 2.

Adam Carolla (33:09)

Hooray for Bounty wolves. Oh, one more thing. I tell you, I really, I was looking at everyone as we were leaving today and just now the kids, everyone's got the kids now and the kids getting along great and everyone's having fun and the kids are enjoying one another. Natalia's holding Dickie's little baby up, you know, the whole thing. And we're walking out to the plane and the guy was sort of working the door, went hey. Like, you know, when Jimmy was walking by and then when I walked by, he went like, hey. Oh. And then he stopped and he said, what are you guys doing out here? Like a show or something? And I said, no, we're just enjoying each other. And I thought, I like that. Because most, you know, I don't think Martin and Lewis could say that.

Brian Bishop (33:55)

No, they definitely could not. They just hated each other. Well, not now.

Adam Carolla (33:59)

Especially not now. But most folks that team up at some point figure out a way to hate each other at some point. Especially entertainment, especially comedy. And I was just really proud to tell the guy, now we're just, we're hanging out, having a good time. He's paying for everything. Yep. Alright. Bollywood. Yeah.

Brian Bishop (34:20)

22 Jump Street. It's in theaters now. Directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller. They did of course, the original. Original, the remake, 21 Jump St. A couple years ago. They also did the Lego Movie. They directed that and they wrote it

Adam Carolla (34:32)

for earlier this year.

Brian Bishop (34:33)

You guys seen the Lego Movie yet?

Adam Carolla (34:34)

No, I'm gonna.

Brian Bishop (34:38)

It was fantastic.

Adam Carolla (34:39)

I know, but you gotta understand that I almost live in a Lego castle to feel like. So I feel it's gonna be like a Vietnam vet here in a chopper, you know? I'm just gonna freak if I see that movie because it's. It's Legos everywhere all the time. But, yes, I hear that's great.

Brian Bishop (34:54)

It is excellent. This one has, of course, Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum from the original Ice Cube. Nick Offerman, all back from the original cast. Peter Stromer. Stromer. You would know him.

Adam Carolla (35:04)

The. From the Great Calves.

Podcast Host (35:05)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (35:05)

Great.

Adam Carolla (35:07)

He has great calves.

Brian Bishop (35:08)

Oh, yeah. He plays a creepy guy in Many, Many.

Adam Carolla (35:10)

Oh, no, no, wait. I'm thinking. I'm thinking of the other.

Brian Bishop (35:15)

Peter Stromer is in many of the woodchipper scene from Fargo. He's the guy stuffing into the wood chipper. He's the creepy guy in a lot of movies.

Adam Carolla (35:23)

Yeah, I'm thinking of the guy with the good calves from the river. Wild One. Oh, shit.

Brian Bishop (35:30)

Davis. Right there.

Adam Carolla (35:31)

Yeah, different guy. Almost the same last name or something.

Brian Bishop (35:35)

But anyway, he's in this. He's great. And there's also two people in this who are fantastic, who I'd never heard of before. Wyatt Russell. He's the son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. He's fantastic. And there's someone named Gillian Bell who's a former SNL writer. She's a TV actress. People may recognize her from tv. I didn't know who she was. She's great. I love this great cast. If you've seen the trailer, you get the whole thing. It's, you know, 21 Jump Street. They went back to high school. In this movie, they go back to college. It's very straightforward. I didn't get the 21 Jump street remake, or I got it, but I didn't. I wasn't on board. I didn't like it as much as everyone else. Did you see it?

Adam Carolla (36:09)

I haven't seen it yet. It's, you know, 90% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Brian Bishop (36:13)

This is 21 Jump Street I'm talking about.

Adam Carolla (36:14)

Oh, 22.

Brian Bishop (36:16)

I think it's pretty close. 85.

Adam Carolla (36:17)

Well, we called it the remake. It screwed me up, but. Yeah, I know. I know what you're saying. Well, to a remake, it's weird. It's weird that they make a move. The 21 Jump street was like eight people of all different ethnicities.

Brian Bishop (36:31)

Oh, it's a TV show?

Adam Carolla (36:32)

Yeah, the TV show. And then they go, we're gonna make that into a movie. But like, why are you calling it that? This is not that. Why would you just make a movie?

Brian Bishop (36:40)

I don't know. I thought it was a little too wink, wink a little. I just didn't get it. And everyone else loved it. So I was like, well, clearly I missed the boat with this one. I was able to relax. I was able to enjoy it and kick back. I think it was just. I didn't. I realized that I was off the mark the first time. For whatever reason, everyone else liked it and I didn't. And I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna let it go and enjoy.

Adam Carolla (37:02)

Admit when he's wrong about 21 Jump street, the movie.

Brian Bishop (37:05)

I hope to be that big man.

Adam Carolla (37:08)

I buried my grandfather before he was able to utter those words. And I think it still exists and serve attention robbed of that. Yeah, that's right.

Brian Bishop (37:18)

You know, sometimes you have to hear like a few songs from a band or a few jokes from a comedian to really get on board. I'm sure the first time Stephen Wright or Mitch Hedberg or someone got on stage.

Adam Carolla (37:27)

Yes.

Brian Bishop (37:28)

People were. Took a minute to be like, what's going on here?

Adam Carolla (37:30)

Yes.

Gary (37:30)

But then once you get it, that's how this is.

Brian Bishop (37:33)

That's a kind of how this was. Because the first movie was very tongue in cheek and very silly and very self referential. And I was kind of like, this is too clever. It's not for me. This one was almost the same. But it worked because it was already that style. I knew what was going in and I liked it. Some really good laughs. Ice Cube had maybe the funniest scene in the movie. And I don't know if I could ever. I don't know if you could ever say that about him and his career before.

Adam Carolla (37:53)

Well, he's gonna be. Well, you've not seen the Are We There yet trilogy.

Brian Bishop (37:57)

I have not.

Adam Carolla (37:59)

He's gonna be in here, I think on Wednesday. So you guys can look forward to that.

Brian Bishop (38:02)

It was great.

Adam Carolla (38:03)

He was great movies. So what do we think?

Brian Bishop (38:05)

Movie is funny. I mean, it's as good as a sequel to 21 Jump street could have been. There's a little too much plot. It was a little silly, but it was funny. Some laugh out loud moments. Christie was in hysterics. So if that's any indication, maybe it's a hit's a hit. But I loved it for what it was. I give it about a B plus.

Adam Carolla (38:25)

I'm on the fence.

Gary (38:27)

B plus and A minus.

Brian Bishop (38:29)

I laughed a lot. It was a kind of a silly ditty.

Adam Carolla (38:34)

Let's say this though. If you laughed a lot.

Caller (38:37)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (38:37)

Like, I always hate it when like I read some review or something in my movie and I go, I laughed a lot. But I give it three stars, you know, and it's like, well, if you laughed a lot.

Brian Bishop (38:48)

That's a good point.

Adam Carolla (38:49)

That's a good. If you're. It's hard to get a laugh in a movie theater these days. Like, you know what I mean?

Brian Bishop (38:55)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (38:56)

Really laughed. Yeah. How many more laughs did it had. Have than a million ways to die in the west?

Brian Bishop (39:01)

About a million.

Adam Carolla (39:02)

Oh, okay.

Brian Bishop (39:03)

No, no, it was a very. It's a very funny movie. A minus.

Adam Carolla (39:06)

All right.

Brian Bishop (39:06)

I'm feeling terror in a volume.

Adam Carolla (39:09)

You're welcome.

Brian Bishop (39:10)

22 drums.

Adam Carolla (39:14)

All right. Box dot com. Everyone. You go to Costco, Sam's club. It's frustrating, man. Long lines now it's hot. That blacktop, man, gets hot out there and you gotta park a million miles away. You gotta get one of those camelbaks. So you don't, you know, you gotta

Brian Bishop (39:30)

hydrate, set up camp for overnight.

Adam Carolla (39:33)

What if you get locked in the trunk?

Brian Bishop (39:35)

You better hope you have one of

Adam Carolla (39:36)

those perish very quickly. Especially in a dark or black sedan there, out in that sun. No, box.com. they got you covered. Now. They have all the items that the big places have. But you do it from your phone, your app. It's an app. I mean, come straight to your door and shipping's free for hundreds of items. You spend more than 60 bucks. But again, why wouldn't buy a roll of toilet paper? No, it's the savings. It's the bulk. It's awesome, man. Enter the promo code Adam at checkout and you get 15% off your first order. Save time, save gas, save. Save membership fees. Boxed, boxed dot com. B O X E-D dot com. And remember, you let them know Adam sent you a checkout. Enter that promo code and they'll give you 15% off. All right, Richard Marks is here. A couple of phone calls.

Brian Bishop (40:38)

They're all decent. You can start at the top, take

Adam Carolla (40:40)

a phone call, and we'll bring Richard marks in. Hey, Tony. 28, North Hollywood.

Caller (40:45)

Hey, how's it going, Adam? Good, good. Hey, so I'm going on this annual, like, all guys lake house trip coming up here in August.

Adam Carolla (40:55)

Yeah.

Caller (40:55)

And we're basically just gonna be, you know, shit faced on the party barge on the lake.

Adam Carolla (40:59)

Sure.

Caller (41:00)

And I was wondering. I was Wondering if you had any good prank ideas. Maybe something you learned from Jimmy back in the day.

Adam Carolla (41:08)

Party barge be a good name for your honker. You know what I mean? Better get on that party barge before it leaves pour. Let's see. What lake you going to?

Caller (41:24)

It's a little lake. It's in Illinois. It's in a little town called Antioch.

Adam Carolla (41:29)

Oh, yeah, I think we have one of those out here. Well, we have an Antioch. I don't think we have an ANIAC out here. Let's see. What would Jimmy do in terms of boats? And I mean, it would involve the ass. It had have to do with the bathroom somehow.

Gary (41:53)

Maybe coffee can.

Adam Carolla (41:55)

Maybe that was me. Maybe it would be. Maybe do the cellophane over the toilet. Someone's giving me some good toilet pranks. Yeah? Who gave me a good. Somebody gave me a good toilet prank, but I can't remember what the hell. It can't. What the hell. It was generally farting a lot.

Brian Bishop (42:11)

Close space.

Caller (42:12)

Well, that'll be. That'll be done for sure.

Adam Carolla (42:13)

Yeah. And what you do, what Jimmy would do is he would eat, like, raw clams and broccoli or something the night before. So he'd be prepared, you know, screw your floor and fauna up and then just go. Just go gas away.

Brian Bishop (42:26)

So will there be fishing, Tony?

Caller (42:29)

I'm not much of a fisherman, but my buddies from back home will be fishing for sure.

Brian Bishop (42:33)

So there'll be fish on the boat.

Caller (42:36)

That's true.

Brian Bishop (42:36)

Well, that opens up a whole world of possibilities.

Adam Carolla (42:38)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (42:39)

Fish in the toilet.

Adam Carolla (42:40)

Yeah, there's fun to be had, but work, you know, don't stray too far from the ass. Let's not forget what got us here, people.

Brian Bishop (42:48)

Fundamentals.

Adam Carolla (42:49)

That's right. Yeah. Stick to the fundamentals, all right. It's like when a team's been running all year and then they get to the super bowl and they got to air it out. Not the time to get away from you there. Dance with who brung you.

Gary (43:01)

Brian. What pranks involving fish in toilets are you imagining?

Brian Bishop (43:05)

Fish in toilets? Pretty much it.

Gary (43:07)

Okay.

Brian Bishop (43:08)

Yeah, listen. When you lift up a toilet bowl and you see anything in there, especially anything aside from what's supposed to be in there, it's terrifying.

Gary (43:16)

I've heard of a prank involving a potato in there, and that always cracks me up.

Adam Carolla (43:20)

Hey, John.

Caller (43:22)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (43:22)

Adam 27, Fresno. What's going on?

Caller (43:25)

How's it going? Hi, Bald Brian. Allison.

Adam Carolla (43:27)

Hello, Adam.

Caller (43:30)

You're a genius, by the way.

Adam Carolla (43:32)

Thank you, my friend.

Caller (43:34)

So, now that you've been a father.

Adam Carolla (43:36)

Yes.

Caller (43:39)

So now that you've been a father for a while and you get along with and are close to your son, have you ever figured out why your dad wasn't like that? I listened to the classic Loveline episode with him on it, and it blew my mind.

Adam Carolla (43:50)

Oh, really? Classic Loveline episode?

Will Forte (43:55)

I don't.

Adam Carolla (43:56)

You know, first things first. I was just thinking about this because I was with all the parents and their kids, and their kids are, you know, on vacation, and they're running after them, and it's like. It's kids, kids, kids talk. And, like, you know, Lynette's a constant. Like, hey, you know, they need breakfast. You know, it's like, I'm almost like, they got breakfast bars. You brought a bag of breakfast bars. I'm gonna have a break. Sonny needs. And I thought, I've talked more about my kids in their zero to eight than my parents, I believe, talked about me and my sister combined to this day. And then I realized that's what everyone does now. And as you talk to other people that are sort of my contemporaries, they're like, yeah, we would just leave the house in the morning and then come back at night, and dad would be on the sofa, and that'd be about that. And then get up the next day and go again, like. And there was no dads coming to things that took place in the middle of the day, in the middle of school day and work day, because dad was at work and all that. But also, it's just a general kind of laissez faire. Like, rub some dirt on it. Like, they'll work it out. Like, the parents. When I was a kid, it's like. And it wasn't just me. It was everybody I knew. It was like your parents were going to birth you, and then they were going to sort of hang around a little bit, make sure that you didn't get too fucked up.

Brian Bishop (45:22)

Super Bus rough far.

Adam Carolla (45:23)

Yeah. And then you just moved out when you're 18 and a half, and that'd be about that. But this part where everyone's best friend and all this is all new. I think it's relatively new. This insane. Like, on the way back from the vacation, Lynette is laying out the itinerary for the kids who start whatever camp. You know, Sonny's going to Ba Ba Ba. And the town's doing the. And it's just one. It's summer. It's like summer vacation. You know, you think we would just be told, look, there's a lawn, there's a hose. Go fucking Sick. Go take the hose and spray it on your sister. Do whatever you want. Go on your underpants. Like, who gives a shit? Come back in when you get hungry. A lot of stuff where it's like, sonny's not eating. He needs to eat. It's like, he'll eat.

Will Forte (46:08)

He's.

Adam Carolla (46:08)

There's a ton of food everywhere. Just he'll. No one ever said, I never got any of that. Like, what's. Why isn't it you should be eating? Hydrate, hydrate. Drink some water. Take some water. Like, take water. You leave. And then when you get thirsty, you go find a hose or drinking fountain or something. You drink and then you'd come home. I could leave my house covered in. Wrapped in tinfoil with a bicycle with two flat tires and go, I'm gonna go ride to Canoga park and come back. And the day. Doggiest days of summer, and no one would go, where's your water? Take some water. Drink some water. Like, hydrate. They'd just go, I see ya. Or why, Actually, why are you telling me? I think would be the conversation I would have.

Brian Bishop (46:49)

Did I ask?

Adam Carolla (46:51)

Yeah, that would be it. We drank when we were thirsty, we ate when we were hungry. We've figured it out. It is. This new level of intensity is insane. I had this. And I just had this conversation with Jimmy over the weekend where I was like, first off, these kids are just being flooded with information. All the kids were just at the table playing around with their Game Boys and shit, whatever the hell they got. And mostly the parents were kind of like, look, we're on vacation. We don't want to have to juggle for you. You guys sit and play, and we're going to have a beer and relax, and it keeps them occupied. But I said, are we gonna have any more John Poppers in the future? Because John Popper plays the harp like nobody else has ever played it before him. And that's the product of a fat kid who isn't getting his dick sucked, who doesn't have a flat screen TV with a whole bunch of video games loaded up on it and says, I

Brian Bishop (47:55)

know what to do. Harmonica.

Gary (47:57)

Put this in your mouth instead.

Adam Carolla (47:58)

Yes, I will sit in my basement in Wisconsin and work this fucking thing five hours a day. Like, no way. My son would breathe in and breathe out of it once or twice. Then he'd have to rehydrate. Then he'd do a thing where he put a straw into it so he could hydrate while he was learning the harmonica. But seriously, he'd blow and went. Once. He'd throw it, set it down, Then he'd go break off a piece of the Lego castle we're living in and make a smaller castle, ironically, next inside the castle we're living in. And then he'd go. Just go run around like he just would never. There's too much. There's way, way too much going on for anyone to get good. Jimmy said, oh, no, we're just gonna have little chips put in us that, like, you want to learn a language. Why do. The repetition, you know. He said he was working on his clarinet. It's like he was, you know, remembering the fingerings on the thing and stuff. It's like, we're not gonna need to do that. We're just gonna download this shit. Like the Matrix, which you have the Matrix, yes. Which I need to.

Gary (48:58)

But I have. Actually. This is a. This is a rarity.

Adam Carolla (49:02)

Oh, maybe Jimmy had to. I thought it was his idea. Wait a minute. Oh, wait a minute. Wrong phone. Hey, John.

Caller (49:10)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (49:10)

Yeah. Your dad's lazy.

Caller (49:13)

No, he's like a prison guard and works a lot, but it's just more like he didn't have a relationship, you know?

Adam Carolla (49:20)

Yeah, no, I did. Whenever I do these kind of things, I always say to people, like, anyone go on vacations with their parents and, like, Dickie's like, we drove to Indiana. Like, what. What happened? My dad had a brother lived in Indiana, so we drove there once. Like those. That's everyone's vacation memory of their childhood. They drove to Indiana one time to see some guy they didn't like that much while their dad smoked in the car, and then they turned around, drove back. That. That's their memory of their airplanes and rental cars and cottages and, you know, babysitters that you hire so you can go out that didn't exist. Did you guys go on vacations?

Brian Bishop (50:02)

I went on one plane ride between the age of 0 and 16 to see family friends in Michigan who they knew for the longest time, but. And the first plane ride I took after that, I paid for myself. So, no, basically, vacations, yes, but not like, you know, taking trips.

Adam Carolla (50:16)

I mean, I understood that people did it back then, but it's like these kids have more under their belt than us collectively had, and especially the parents. It was always get in the car with no air and drive somewhere and come back and then argue in the car. That seemed to be everyone's road trip.

Brian Bishop (50:33)

Again, idyllic.

Adam Carolla (50:33)

Yes. All right. Should we get Richard Marks?

Brian Bishop (50:36)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (50:37)

All right. Why don't we do that? Take a Quick break. Be right back with Richard Marks next.

Podcast Host (50:47)

All right, this is Adam Kurillo Show 1346. Coming up next, we have Adam Kurillo Show 1396, featuring the S. Tier.

Will Forte (50:53)

God.

Podcast Host (50:54)

Tier comedian Bill Forte, one of the funniest improvisers, comedians, human beings to ever exist. It's so much fun to hear him next to Adam along with Daniel Schecker, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2014.

Adam Carolla (51:09)

Good day. Alison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla, Ian Baldwin. We're driving to Florida.

Brian Bishop (51:14)

That was requested by Evekowak, who, it turns out, is driving to Florida today. He's driving to Florida. Can I hear the drop with the hashtag top drive?

Adam Carolla (51:22)

Well, Will Forte and Daniel Schechter's coming in as well. They got a new film coming out, and I'll be interested. You know, it's weird. Well, a couple things. First off, it's weird when your friends become famous, but you think of them as friends and not famous people first, which is this. So the Emmys are today. Baby doll has flown in town to throw his Emmy party. Now he has Jimmy Kimmel nominated and I think Bill Simmons For 30. For 30. But I don't know if Bill won or Bill was just nominated. He won with the Emmys tonight. Yes. They moved it up and they moved it onto a Monday instead of a Sunday. It's all I said to Baby doll. What? Since when is it a Monday night, not a Sunday night? And since when is it this early? And he said, baby, football. Football's that powerful. Football.

Brian Bishop (52:30)

Preseason football.

Adam Carolla (52:31)

No, not. Yeah. Not going against regular season football. Not going against Monday night Football that people move their scheduling around. Who the hell wants to go? Would you like your show to premiere against the Super Bowl?

Brian Bishop (52:46)

Obviously not.

Adam Carolla (52:47)

Right. On another network, in other words. So the point is, is football has become such a behemoth that it's actually pushed the Emmys forward and onto another day because they don't want to have to go up and do battle. Hey, Gary, Sorry, I'm a bad reader. You're giving me huge piles of information about. All I want to know is, did Bill Simmons win an Emmy or not? And did he win it for 30? For 30 or not? Okay, then you just give me that. I don't need all that he's against and all that kind of stuff. So Babydoll comes in on a Sunday night, and then Babydoll comes straight from the airport to come see my movie where my agent is Babydoll, which delighted him. And then he's got to get ready for his little intimate Emmy party, which is Bill, Jimmy, and a few other clients and the wives, which is nice. But I said, well, it's over on the west side. I still want to go see Jimmy's newborn baby, which we've not been able to work out for the last three or four weeks because he's been traveling, I've been traveling, blah, blah, blah. So I said, well, Jimmy, why don't me and Lynette come by on our way to the restaurant and we'll come by like an hour early and we'll pay a visit. And he said, oh, I got Emmy rehearsal. Which, not the kind of answer you'd normally think that your friend would have on a Sunday night. If you're talking about Sunday night, you swing by the house to see their newborn, you wouldn't think they'd have to be at an Emmy rehearsal.

Brian Bishop (54:22)

It's not typical the old days. The girl would say, oh, I'm washing my hair tonight. I can't go on a date with you. I got Emmy rehearsal.

Adam Carolla (54:28)

But you think, yeah, I mean, way, like if you just took Americans and you said, Sunday night, you know, about six o', clock, I'm going to swing by your house and see a newborn. Probably way less than 40%, maybe even 30% would be attending an Emmy rehearsal that they were in.

Brian Bishop (54:44)

It'd be in the minority for sure.

Adam Carolla (54:48)

Yeah, less. Yeah, probably less than 30%. I don't know if I'll happen to

Gary (54:51)

me a handful of.

Adam Carolla (54:52)

Yeah, I don't know if I want to go down to 20%. I'm going to commit because I'm getting a bunch of angry tweets saying, it's happened to me a bunch of times. But. So that is Babydoll's dinner. And this is the one where Sal will jack up the price of the meal by ordering the seafood pyramid. When baby doll inevitably goes out and has a smoke at some point.

Brian Bishop (55:12)

Two to go, plus a bottle of champagne, right?

Adam Carolla (55:15)

Sal doesn't drink. It always bothers me because I don't like to waste stuff. And no one's going to eat the food. Everyone at the table thinks it's hysterical running up his AMEX card. I think it's funny, too. But the problem is nobody ever eats the food. No one's going to drink the bottle of Cristal champagne. And the waiter or waitress is always down for it. Of course. They just. Because when you say to the waiter,

Brian Bishop (55:49)

waitress, can we trip on the pre tower amount?

Adam Carolla (55:51)

Yeah, just go get another $150 bottle of booze they're just like, okay. And if Baby doll goes, no, no, no, we already got three on the table. They're already gone. If you just want to know where people are at. If it was something that cost the waiter or waitress money, they'd be like, okay, hold on. Who's paying for this? Is this really what you. The person who's paying? Or, you know what? They're out at the bathroom or having a smoke right now. I'm going to wait until they come back because we're two hours into this. You guys all have your belts undone. I think we should wait and just see. But. But when all it's doing is jacking up the price and they're tipped. They're just shot out of a cannon and they just come right back with a huge pile of, like, steaks. We'd be two hours in, everyone's done eating, and Sal will order five steaks, and they'll all just come out again. And then I feel compelled to eat some of them because I can't stand that. It's just. And it's not. We're not eating at Denny's. It's good shit. So I'm fucking bringing that shit home this year.

Brian Bishop (56:49)

Absolutely. You should.

Adam Carolla (56:50)

That's it.

Gary (56:51)

Does Babydale ever try to quit smoking?

Adam Carolla (56:55)

Yeah, he did. Jon Stewart sent him to, like, the Involuntary Schick center once, where they literally just confine you. Like, they pick you up, they throw a net on you from a truck. They come pulling up to you in like, a Daktari or something. They come pulling up to you in, like, a Range Rover, and a guy jumps out with khaki shorts on. He throws a net over you, and they drag you into a facility and they keep you there. It's like a facility.

Brian Bishop (57:27)

It's inpatient sounds.

Adam Carolla (57:29)

Yeah, it's like what Dr. Drew would do with heroin, but for cigarettes. Yeah, he went. I think, let it go. It went okay for a couple of days, I guess, but. I guess.

Gary (57:44)

But then he left the center.

Adam Carolla (57:45)

Yes, I guess, but I think John paid for it, and I think he just. He just went away. But either way, it's going to get rung up tonight. So we can look forward. We can look forward to that. I'll tell you. And I think Bill Simmons already won his Emmy. For 30. For 30. And then we'll find out tonight about Jimmy winning his. For outstanding Variety. Snl, Stuart Colbert. So Baby Doll represents three out of the five.

Brian Bishop (58:14)

He has a good chance to win tonight. Good chance to bring home some hardware.

Adam Carolla (58:18)

Yeah, it's a very good chance to win some hardware. All right, tell me where you guys come down on this. I was working Saturday out in the LBC out in Long beach, catching a contractor. We had a first case of the homeowner physically attacking the contractor. Oh, wow.

Brian Bishop (58:39)

I thought it would have gone the other way, you know what I mean? The contractor, sometimes the one who's backed into the corner and you kind of feel, oh, this guy's gonna take a swing.

Adam Carolla (58:46)

Well, by nature, contractors are more physically aggressive than homeowners, but this is Long Beach. These guys were Marine buddies, and this guy's a very ready Marine. The guy who got screwed and he got taken off the property at a certain point and it was just us and the contractor. And at a certain point, we're just standing in the kitchen and I just heard over my right shoulder. I changed my mind, motherfucker. This guy come flying right past me. Dove on the guy and just a whole scrum broke out in the middle of the kitchen.

Brian Bishop (59:22)

I can't wait to see that.

Adam Carolla (59:23)

It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good stuff.

Gary (59:26)

Did he get hurt?

Adam Carolla (59:28)

There was a lot of. He didn't throw a swing at him. He kind of went flying. I mean, got him in a headlock and he was trying to choke the life out of him. And then everybody sort of jumped on top of him and everyone was okay. Although there were a few pieces of equipment broken. But it was on. It wasn't one of those, you know, cat fight, kind of of tug at the hair extension kind of things. It was just full out, full on Marine. On Marine violence. Later on, I was standing in somebody's driveway and I was looking, as I do at the back of the car that was at the end of the driveway. And it was a fucked up Toyota, and it was about five years old.

Brian Bishop (60:08)

They should change the model name.

Adam Carolla (60:10)

Could have been a. Yeah, this could have been a Prius or something, but. But this one is jacked up. Literally had duct tape. But is there any. You tell me if there's something sadder than this. Not the duct tape. The duct tape where the layer of silver has been worn off and there's just a weird white cloth. The sun blasted cloth. Yeah, the one that the sun has just kicked the shit out of. So duct tape holding the rear tail light in place. Bad enough, but this has gone on for two years now when the duct tape taps out, cries uncle. Where you need some duct tape for the duct tape, because it's now just a weird white. It looks like Gauze.

Gary (60:49)

That's just sad because that just. Those are people who've given up.

Adam Carolla (60:53)

And it's. And it's just a weird. Now there's nothing holding it but adhesive from the duct tape. But the duct tape's decomposed. But I'm looking at the license plate frame, and the license plate frame says, underdog Toyota of Long Beach. You know, come on down and get your deal. It's the plastic thing they put on every car that leaves a lot. It's free advertising. But what kind of advertising? When the cars had the shit kicked out of it? And all I'm saying is, I was saying to the camera guy, I was sitting next to him, I said, I bet Toyota of Long beach wishes this one. I wish it said Toyota of Bell Gardens. Like, this is not our product. This is a very poor reflection on us as a dealership as a whole. And then I thought, but that is not just one of those things where they put the plastic thing on there and they send it out the lot. They should check up every six months just how you're doing. And if you're not doing so well, like this one out in the lbc, this trunk had this weird little spoiler thing that had popped off, so there's nothing but the holes that held it to the trunk. So if it rained, whatever would get into the trunk. And then the duct tape that had long since abandoned the duck, giving up the duck was around the thing. And I just thought if you were Toyota of Long beach, you would have come by and said, let's remove this advertisement. This is not what we were talking about.

Brian Bishop (62:13)

Go out with a bunch of CarMax ones and replace them.

Adam Carolla (62:15)

That's right.

Gary (62:16)

I think that's like the car version of this sad apparel thing. When you go to find an old pair of sweatpants and you pull on the waistband and it just crackles.

Adam Carolla (62:25)

Yes.

Gary (62:26)

Sad elastic.

Adam Carolla (62:27)

I've had that with underpants, too. The sad elastic, the sock and that. That's when it's time. Like, that's gut check time, literally, for the underpants, where you go, all right, we gotta part ways, my friend. It's been a long ride, though. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed these 14 years and a noble effort. Yeah, you've been awesome over these years.

Brian Bishop (62:45)

Time to hang them up.

Adam Carolla (62:46)

I heard the crackle, and it's probably my fault for letting you settle in the drawer for more than four days, because if we're on the every other day run, we don't get the crackle in underwear.

Gary (62:58)

Like, cars need to be Exercised.

Adam Carolla (63:00)

They're meant to be worn.

Brian Bishop (63:02)

Taken on the road.

Adam Carolla (63:03)

That's right.

Brian Bishop (63:04)

Speaking of which, do you think that part of the problem with the cars, with the duct tape and people leaving the duct tape too long and blah, blah, is that cars are made too well these days? Like a 2000 Toyota Camry might run for 14 years while it gets all dinged up on the outside, but the car's too good on the inside. Like, if it drives in their mind, oh, the car's fine. Just a little bit of duct tape.

Adam Carolla (63:22)

Yeah. It used to be that. That person, that irresponsible person who. The person who wasn't taking care of business.

Brian Bishop (63:29)

The car would break down.

Adam Carolla (63:31)

Well, yeah, you would have to change or you'd have to add a quart of oil every six months. Otherwise you'd blow up the engine. These people wouldn't add a quart of oil every six months. Thus they'd get 18 months in, the engine would blow up and that car, that eyesore, would be taken off the road. That is sort of mitigated, though, by the fact that. By the point that the older cars, you could work on them yourselves and get them running just enough to keep them on the road and use what I miss. Our children are going to grow up in a world where they don't realize that a coat hanger could be used as a car antenna.

Brian Bishop (64:09)

No, that's a bygone.

Adam Carolla (64:10)

That was a good look.

Gary (64:11)

And a TV antenna.

Adam Carolla (64:12)

Yes, and a TV antenna as well with weird foil on it. All right. Do you ball. Bryan, I sent. You can look for it. I sent a song over to you that I heard on my way. Now you can look for it. I was driving on Saturday out to the LBC about 7:30 in the morning. I turned on the 80 station on the XM series just usually to be annoyed, and I heard a song that I hadn't heard in a million years. We, you know, I like to bring in the bad ones. This could be more annoying. Hold on for a second. This. We have some leaders in the clubhouse when it comes to just horrible, horrible 80s songs. And Rise, for instance, by Public Image Ltd. Yeah. Sex Pit by the. That's the guy from the Sex Pistols who's an asshole and he sucks and he can't sing and he has no fucking music ability, musical ability at all. I think people feel sort of compelled to say they like the Sex Pistols. But I don't know anyone who really likes the Sex Pistols. They just go, oh, yeah, I can dig it. They're kind of the Punk rock version of Lou Reed, which is. Everyone sort of nods their head and goes, yeah.

Brian Bishop (65:22)

Who enjoys the Sex Pistol?

Adam Carolla (65:23)

Nobody. Nobody. And he's a talentless fucking hack. He's a piece of shit hack.

Brian Bishop (65:27)

You'd make a horrible hype man.

Adam Carolla (65:28)

He fucking sucks. He does what you do when you can't sing or play instruments or do anything else. But I found a song, something that may rival that in many departments. First, something I love. Reverie Bed. Oh, my God. My friend Jody, or my wife's friend Jody came over today, and she loves the Paul Newman documentary. And my wife. And they were sitting on the bed and they had the thing vibrating and tilted up. And I said, jody, you like? You like? I said, jules Dash had a pass at the Paul Newman doc, and it's different. You saw it two months ago. You loved it two months ago. It's even better now. You got to go look at it. I just got a new cut. It's in the next room, and she's sitting on this bed. It's three in the afternoon. It was vibrating. She goes, I'm not going anywhere. I said, just go into the den and sit down and watch. You love this doc. You're going to love it more. And she goes, just pipe it in here. She said, can you just pipe it into this TV set? I don't want to leave the bed. I said, no, I can't get it on this TV set. I don't have a dvd. It's not a dvd. It's like a memory stick. It's plugged in my computer. It goes into the other TV set. I can't get it on this TV set. She's like, this vibrates.

Gary (66:43)

You can't get chicks out of your bed.

Adam Carolla (66:45)

Can't get the bitches out the bed.

Gina Grad (66:48)

What problem?

Adam Carolla (66:49)

That's three in the afternoon, man.

Brian Bishop (66:51)

Story of your life.

Adam Carolla (66:53)

That's how good this product is. We Love our Reverie Bed. 888-888-5990. Or you can visit sleeplikeadam.com for 101 night. No risk trial. If you don't love it, send it back. Full refund. Look, change your life. That's all I'm saying. Change your life with Reveribed. They gave it to us about two months ago. And it's like I said, I hit the vibrate. The only thing that's wrong with the bed is I do wake up in the middle of the night simply to hit the vibrate action again and then fall right back asleep.

Brian Bishop (67:26)

It's a good problem.

Adam Carolla (67:27)

To have it is a first world problem. First hundred people, by the way are going to get some beautiful sheets worth 300 bucks. 888 Triple 8. $59.90 or you go to sleeplikeadam.com alright. Do you have that song Bald Brian? Mm, yeah. You guys tell me if you remember this one. 07:20 and I'm driving to Long beach to watch a contractor scream or get screamed screamed at by a homeowner and I'm like I'm already pre annoyed. Geez. Can you tell us from the 80s? It's almost impossible to tell.

Gary (68:13)

Seems like a breaking electronic toy.

Adam Carolla (68:14)

Yes, great time if you're tal countless artists to make music.

Gary (68:25)

Who is this?

Adam Carolla (68:28)

It's EBN Ozn, like dashing. I don't even know what they're called. It's supposed to hit. We'll figure out. Max Patty, figure out where it was. You'll recognize it.

Brian Bishop (68:45)

This is the most volume I got.

Kalin Bean (68:47)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (68:55)

Sound familiar to anybody?

Brian Bishop (68:57)

I've never heard this song.

Adam Carolla (69:01)

Made some charts because I heard it quite a bit in the 80s. There's a dance club thing. Pretty heavy into the new wave romantic scene back then.

Brian Bishop (69:10)

Well done.

Adam Carolla (69:11)

I'd get on the floor and just spin. Never stop spinning. I did it for me. I didn't do it for the ladies. Although they noticed. Oh, definitely got their notice. There are 178 parent languages in our planet with over 1,000 dialects. It's amazing. We communicate it all. Languages and Dialects was one of those 80s songs where the one guy would talk over the synthesis and it was considered completely acceptable. All right. Am I the only one in the building knows this one?

Gary (69:42)

I feel like maybe I have heard it, but it also sounds like an amalgamation of a lot of other songs.

Adam Carolla (69:46)

Yes, Well, big enough hit to be like played on the 80s channel. You know, like they don't play stuff that's never been played before. And now we'll have to figure out. Gary will figure out where it came where it came in or if it if it charted at all.

Brian Bishop (70:07)

The name of this catchy tune Gary is A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y.

Adam Carolla (70:13)

That's what I said. Why?

Brian Bishop (70:14)

Rolls off the dumb.

Adam Carolla (70:15)

Yeah. All right. Now see, I grew up in Los Angeles. I listened to kroc so they would. Oh, here it' Then it gets into the later story about how he, him and the chick started hanging out, went back to his flat.

Brian Bishop (70:34)

The video is something else.

Adam Carolla (70:36)

Are you watching it?

Brian Bishop (70:37)

Yeah. Matt sent me a YouTube.

Adam Carolla (70:38)

She asked me if I'm angry or something. I said of Course I'm angry, man. This isn't high school or anything, you know, so I'm feeling really cavalier and I said, call me, you know, if you want to.

Will Forte (70:47)

Yeah, call me if you want to.

Adam Carolla (70:50)

So she rang me up and she says, hey, you want to go out? So I want to go out. I was on the 110, completely annoyed.

Brian Bishop (71:00)

Right back to the chorus.

Adam Carolla (71:02)

Yeah, all right.

Gary (71:03)

I have to see what they look like.

Adam Carolla (71:05)

You guys will. Your heads will explode when you find out there. Was it charted at some point? All right, Max Apata, you discussed it at the 80s. I've. I've never heard of this song and I was really glad about that. Too late now. All right, us, Las Vegas, Treasure Island. Coming up Friday, 9 o'. Clock. Come out and say hi. Rick from Pawn Stars and me and George Wallace will be there as well, as well as the rest of the gang. We'll do ourselves a live podcast. Come say hi. And then afterward take a picture and I'll put my head right in between Rick and George Wallace's so I look super skinny. Las Vegas as well, as I mentioned previous days, Gillies, Treasure island on Friday, 7 o', clock, signing some Mangria. So come say hi as well. Irvine Improv Wednesday. That is coming up this Wednesday. Dag. On stage, everybody. And Mangria, now available in Florida. Finally, total wine. 21 locations, all of them. You go to corolladrinks.com. all right, let's see. Phone calls was in the top 40 on the Billboard club charts. Okay, let's see what that means.

Brian Bishop (72:19)

It's earned its way onto the 80s channel.

Adam Carolla (72:21)

Mm. Hey, Justin.

Caller (72:25)

Hey, Adam.

Adam Carolla (72:26)

27, Reno. What's going on?

Caller (72:30)

Not much. I've been listening to you since I was about. Shoot, 12 years old. I love all you guys. Adam, Bald Gary, Chris, Matt, Bubble boys. How you guys doing?

Gary (72:40)

That's a reference from my show.

Caller (72:42)

Holla, holla, holla. Alright. Hey, Adam, I want to know. I always listen to classic Loveline and you're always on there. And whenever it's like a hot young actress, comedian, whatever, TV star, whatever, you're always trying to ask him out or trying to spit some game at him, so to speak. I wonder, did anything ever become of that?

Adam Carolla (73:02)

No, obviously not.

Brian Bishop (73:04)

Topher Grace and him and Omaha, we

Adam Carolla (73:08)

blow each other in the parking lot. Yeah, that was it. Just me, Topher Grace at one time. That was all. No, I went with Chris Penn to a cop bar after about all Loveline ever turned into me is me and Chris Penn went to a cop bar. In Culver City, which.

Brian Bishop (73:33)

I think it's jocks or dailies.

Adam Carolla (73:35)

Yeah, well, like, you remember Loveline? I mean, the old Loveline. When you'd go out of Irving street or whatever it is, you'd hang a left instead of a right. I'd hang a right to go home, but I'd hang a left.

Brian Bishop (73:45)

Corner of Washington and then Sepulveda.

Adam Carolla (73:48)

Yeah. As I recall, you'd go straight out down Irving. You'd have a left and you'd go down about five blocks, and it was there in the corner on the right.

Caller (73:55)

Yep, yep. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (73:56)

And he called. He called it a cop bar.

Brian Bishop (73:58)

That's right.

Adam Carolla (73:59)

And we went there after to have a few drinks. Marilyn.

Brian Bishop (74:03)

No, not Marilyn Manson. The drummer. Tommy Lee took us there once. He's like, we're getting beers around here. It's like down the street.

Adam Carolla (74:09)

That's right. That's right.

Gary (74:10)

What was the experience of drinking with Tommy Lee like? I imagine it would be horrifying.

Brian Bishop (74:15)

He loved everything that was on the jukebox. Did a lot of air drumming. Seriously?

Adam Carolla (74:20)

Chris Penn was the same good guy. Good guy to drink with, yeah. God. Chris Penn's. What's he been dead for? 7 years? 6 years. It's one of these things where it's like he's been gone for a while.

Brian Bishop (74:33)

If I had to say, I'd bet 10 years.

Adam Carolla (74:34)

I don't think it's been 10. I think he died when we were doing the KLSX Morning Show.

Brian Bishop (74:40)

Okay, well, look it up.

Adam Carolla (74:41)

Remember hearing about it?

Brian Bishop (74:42)

Eli's been a long time.

Adam Carolla (74:43)

We'll figure it out. Anyway, AE IOU spent speaking of 10. 10 weeks on the Billboard hot dance disco charts. Peaked at number 20. He died in 06.

Brian Bishop (74:53)

Right as we started the morning show. You're right. In January.

Kalin Bean (74:55)

06.

Adam Carolla (74:56)

That's right. Mm. All right, thank you. Let's see. Someone's impregnant. Someone is. Dan on Loveline. Let's see. I'll talk to Dustin. Dustin, 26, Indiana.

Caller (75:13)

Hey, what's going on?

Adam Carolla (75:14)

What's going on, man?

Caller (75:16)

Hey, I was just. Love you guys. Thanks for taking my call.

Adam Carolla (75:20)

Sure.

Caller (75:20)

I hate you guys for making me listen to that song. That was the worst thing I've ever heard.

Adam Carolla (75:25)

Horrible. How about me? I had to listen to it. My car. I only had had to 422 other options I could have listened to.

Caller (75:32)

Yeah, well, hey, I just got back from a weekend trip, and we were listening to classic Loveline the whole way up and back. And there was one with your dad, and it was about you. Him Taking you to the beach and you getting rescued by Coast Guard because you got out too far.

Adam Carolla (75:48)

Yeah.

Caller (75:49)

Brushed it off. But I'm curious because you never brought that up on the show.

Adam Carolla (75:54)

When I really happened, he was probably

Brian Bishop (75:56)

getting ready for a date with one of the hot young actresses that came in.

Adam Carolla (75:59)

Yeah, probably one of the Bertopher Grace Culpac. Yeah, could have been Hobie from Baywatch. The Sun. Okay, here's what we had for entertainment. My dad's cousin Vince lived in Santa Monica in an apartment, mind you, as an entire life, but he still lived in an apartment in Santa Monica. So my dad didn't have any friends, but Vince was his friend and grew up down the street from Philly in South Philly, back in the day. So during the summers, once every two months or six weeks we would go see Vince and we'd go to Vince's house and Greg was his son and we would all go to the Santa Monica beach and it was free and about as, about as much of an outing as the Corollas did. My dad didn't much go for the water, but I was kind of nuts for body surfing and I didn't have any, any fins or belly boards or anything, but I would go out in the ocean and I'd just be out there all fucking day. And I didn't really, I didn't have any fear even when I was 9 or 10 years old of waves or riptides or any of that shit. But once in a while they'd kick in. And one time I did get sucked out and I got sucked out and I got sucked out far enough for the lifeguard to come out and come grab me. And instead of trying to get in because the current was so hard and the waves were so big, we went out further and the lifeguard boat went and picked us up. It's kind of freaky for like a 9 or 10 year old to go out, like keep going out, we're getting further away from shore. But I got picked up by that sort of very traditional wooden looking, sort of orange and white lifeguard boat. If you're from Southern California, you see them going up and down the coast. And they took us to the pier and then got off the pier and walked back out of the. By the time I got back and my dad wasn't looking or anything, he was just sitting on the.

Brian Bishop (78:08)

He was worried sick.

Adam Carolla (78:09)

Sitting on the beach? Yeah. With Vince the big excitement would come. Vince would bring a couple of folding chairs, but the lowboy folding beach chair, you know, the Ones where your ass about 10 inches off the ground and fold down.

Gary (78:24)

It's barely a step up from just sitting on the sand.

Adam Carolla (78:26)

Yeah, it's like step up from on the sand. And at some point, Vince and my dad would go for just a long walk down the beach and then to the pier and then sort of come back. And my dad, if somebody were to ask me like what his number one hobby was, I'd say walking, which of course is life in the fast lane. When you're a nine year old, you know, I mean, that's what you want, you know, Some guys have dads who own restaurants or nascars or something like that. You want a walker, you know, that's exciting. He likes going long, slow walks without. Without you. It's fucking exciting. I could. I could watch that man walk all day long.

Brian Bishop (79:02)

Sometimes he did.

Adam Carolla (79:03)

Oh, poetry in motion.

Gary (79:04)

Slowest rambling, man.

Adam Carolla (79:06)

His arms barely moved. It was awesome. I wish. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture my dad moving super slowly down the street.

Brian Bishop (79:14)

I can see it today.

Adam Carolla (79:15)

Yeah.

Gary (79:16)

Did you wear sensible footwear?

Adam Carolla (79:18)

Well, not on the beach. He'd go a natural, as he called it, bareback. Bareback. And so him and Vince would go walking down the beach and all we would do for entertainment is dig a hole behind the chair and then lay the towel over it and then place the chair back up just on the edge of the hole. So when they came back from their walk and plopped down in the chair, it would fall back into the hole. Wow. That was as much as we fucking

Gary (79:48)

had from the mind who brought you crank anchors.

Adam Carolla (79:50)

Yeah, that was it. So that was good times. And yes, I did that. My stepdad would take me to Santa Monica. Think I could never figure out. It's one of those things where. Where I lived, Santa Monica was

Will Forte (80:08)

50

Adam Carolla (80:09)

minutes away to get to the ocean and Malibu was like an hour and five minutes away. Malibu was so fucking much nicer.

Daniel Schechter (80:18)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (80:19)

Than. Especially when you spend a bunch of time in the water. The water was so much clearer and warmer and just nicer. And the coastline was nicer. Malibu was so much nicer than Santa Monica, but Santa Monica was marginally closer. So we always went to Santa Monica where the water was like murky and brown and weird and shitty.

Brian Bishop (80:36)

It's still like that. I mean, the difference between the two.

Adam Carolla (80:38)

Yeah. When you go down the coast, as you start heading towards Santa Barbara, it gets beautiful, but it's kind of shitty around Santa Monica. Anyway. One time I went there with my stepdad and we were out swimming around he would go out and swim around. And the riptide kicked in again and he started heading in, and I started heading. We were both fighting the current as hard as we could, but I was 10. And I wouldn't say he abandoned me, but it was Corollas had every man for themselves policy. I remember retelling the story a couple times. At a certain point, he pulled me aside. He. He said, can you please stop telling that story? Please stop telling the story. Where the current kicked in, and I headed toward where he headed, toward the sand as fast as he could. Never looked back, even though I was out deeper than he was. Please stop that one.

Brian Bishop (81:28)

He was sure you were going to make it.

Adam Carolla (81:30)

He knew in his heart of hearts I was going to make it, but the other folks at the barbecue did not know that. And he wanted me to stop advertising that.

Brian Bishop (81:38)

I could see how he'd have a problem with that.

Adam Carolla (81:39)

I could too. All right, somebody's wife is pregnant, line three. No, no. Brad, 40, Seattle H. Man, thanks for taking my call.

Caller (81:52)

Yeah, man, love the show. Been a big fan for a long time. Hello, Bob. Brian. Hello, Allison. Big fan of your guys podcast as well.

Gary (82:00)

Thank you.

Caller (82:01)

Yes. So my wife's pregnant and we went to a birthing class this weekend and they advised us. Well, part of the birthing class was, you know, hey, you know, you need to give your wife encouragement during the labor process. And they gave us some examples.

Adam Carolla (82:21)

And hold on a second. First off, I think I have history on my side. When I say many hundreds, maybe even thousands of people were born before birthing classes, I mean, that's a good year at the end of the tens of thousands.

Brian Bishop (82:36)

I'll go with you, I'll see your stipulation.

Adam Carolla (82:39)

The folks at the HuffPo would put up a pretty good argument, but I'm telling you, I think it's hundreds of thousands, maybe even more.

Brian Bishop (82:46)

You make a good point.

Adam Carolla (82:47)

Okay? There is a whole fucking cottage industry, whether it's the birthing class or the $4.99 fruit wash that dudes just pay for, that everyone in society's decided is a good thing. Okay, here's what I'm saying. I'm not signing off on how could it hurt as me wasting a Saturday? Do you know what I mean? Like, okay, well, what, what could it hurt? You go with your wife, you go to a class, you lay down on a yoga mat, you hold her hand, it starts at 10 o' clock on Saturday, you're done by three in the afternoon. Like, what? What, what could it hurt? Like, well, it cost $389 and I don't fucking need to be there on a Saturday. Like, what could it hurt? I don't know. Put your fucking thumb up your ass and walk in a circle with your pants around your ankles. What could it hurt? Like it doesn't follow. Yeah, it doesn't hurt. It's just if you use enough lube, it's just we're all gonna fucking die and that will be a portion of our life doing nothing. Okay, yes, I'm happy to say that Lynette is not down with any. Like, she understands all this bullshit too.

Gary (83:50)

But could you imagine a scenario where it's a couple who's nervous and this will soothe their nerves about it?

Adam Carolla (83:57)

Yeah, but the thing the nerves are

Gary (84:01)

based on, on people making you feel like there's a right and wrong way to do something. And in this case your body's gonna take over.

Adam Carolla (84:09)

Think about. It's the nerves of narcissism that we've created, which is people didn't used to get all uppity about birth. It was just a natural part of life. It's just, okay, everyone who's here was born. And everyone who came before you was born. And you were born. And your fucking mom was born, by the way. If my mom could have fucking kids, anybody could f have kids. Fucking dumpsters could have kids. I mean, any fucking buddy's capable. If my parents could have kids and raise kids, anybody could have children. So I have that pre existing knowledge, okay? The world's laziest human beings on the fucking planet. The least capable human beings on the planet successfully had a boy and a girl. So I'm already locked and loaded with that knowledge. But I'm also not so narcissistic to think that, oh, I'm special. See, it's a nerves born of it's nerve sissism. It's you being nervous cuz it's you. But if you take you out of the equation, people are just shitting out kids left and right all the time, all over the world, constantly. And the time I gave that speech, 20,000 kids were just shat out all over the world.

Brian Bishop (85:19)

And all over the globe they'll romanticize it.

Adam Carolla (85:21)

Thank you. It's the most beautiful thing in nature. So you remove yourself from the equation and then you're just one of the millions of people who are currently shitting out a kid. And there'll be 200 million that come after you and 200 million that came before you. And now you're just one. But what we do is it's us. It's me. It's my wife. We're different. We're different. We're different. We're better. What we're not really saying is we're better. We're just saying we're different or it's us, or I have my own. So we've created this whole little cottage industry about people have too much money laying around and then too much narcissism laying around and then going, yeah, but it's us. What about us? And we're gonna have to deal with this. You don't have to deal with it.

Gary (86:03)

How was the class? Brad?

Adam Carolla (86:05)

Where's Brad? Hold on. Brad.

Caller (86:08)

But they. You know, I just was wondering what you gave Lynette in terms of encouragement when she was in labor.

Adam Carolla (86:16)

I told her, go shit that kid out.

Brian Bishop (86:18)

Fist bump?

Adam Carolla (86:19)

No, but look, I didn't like having my wisdom teeth removed, but I didn't go to a class with my wife for six months leading into having my wisdom teeth removed. Look, I don't look forward to it. It's uncomfortable. There's blood involved. It's painful. It just is. The hand holding leading up into it. It's a procedure. It's a part of life that is not comfortable. It's not pretty. When it's done, it's great. You're glad you did it, but for the two hours you're there, it's stressful, it's painful, it's whatever. But so are many things in life. Having. I guess having your fucking gallbladder removed is that way. But do you have to go to a bunch of classes leading into it?

Gary (87:04)

The two hours of having your wisdom

Adam Carolla (87:07)

teeth out or of childbirth, shitting out the kid, having the childbirth. I mean, look, if you go natural, you can be in labor for long periods of time. If you go C section, which a lot of people do these days, and insurance companies ask, as you do, and you get past a certain age or you have multiples like I did, and blah, blah, blah, you schedule it. You go do it. It's a procedure. It's not.

Gary (87:25)

It's an extraction.

Adam Carolla (87:27)

Yes, like the wisdom teeth were extracted. Except for I didn't put the kids in Lucite and put them on my desk. Not yet. We'll see how their attitude is. Brad.

Caller (87:38)

Awesome. Thanks, Adam.

Adam Carolla (87:41)

No, here's what I'm saying. I'm gonna sound like a douchebag, but there's a whole bunch of industries that are sprung up around nervous whitey with too much cash, P whip dad and too much Fucking time on our hands. And then you become fucking Tobar the fucking barbarian if you go, fuck that. Why do we have to go every weekend to a class and you've got to learn to breathe, and I've got to hold your hand. Why, when nobody did this before us, nobody, when it didn't exist, when the entire planet didn't do this until 11 years ago, do we really need. It's the same fucking thing I said about my kid and his corrective helmet. Really? He needs a helmet? How come no other human being needed a fucking helmet? How come no kid I went to junior high with or grade school needed a helmet? How come nobody before this day needed a fucking corrective helmet? The answer's the same answer. Hey, guilty, rich whitey. Because we're telling you. And it's one more thing for your insurance to pay for, and there's one more thing for you to cut us a check for. And so one more thing for everyone at the fucking dinner party to look at you and go, what, you didn't get your kid? No helmet. No helmet, no birthing class. Now It's a waste of time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There is so fucking much of that that has sprung up in our culture. It's fucking bullshit. The kids don't need it any more than they needed the helmet. Kids have no fucking idea in terms of born and birthing and all that kind of shit. As far as the women go, there's anxiety, yes. There's pain, yes. There's all those things. That's what it is. You want to remove that. That's childbirth. I don't know. Would you like to just have no knowledge of that day? Would you like to just be completely numb and coast through it? It sounds good, but, I mean, I don't know. Anxiety, nerves, certain degree of physical pain. Yeah, that's childbirthing, I believe. I would dare to say that creates a bit of a bond in.

Brian Bishop (89:50)

You go through an ordeal, you go through something to get something extremely valuable.

Adam Carolla (89:54)

I would say if you went to the extreme and just went. You show up and there's the wicker basket with two kids in it the following morning. And you didn't go through anything. Like, if a mom didn't go through morning sickness, didn't go through the sacrifices of I couldn't drink. Well, no, but a lot of women, you're at a party and it's like everyone's having a glass of wine and enjoying themselves, and you're sitting there sucking on some Fucking juice box. And the physical pain and getting out of shape, stretch marks, whatever it is, is there's probably no pain, no gain kind of thing. But yeah, I think there is a connection, a bond. Just like guys have in the military. Just like guys have at football practice. Oh, it was 2A days. It was tough. Guys were vomiting. Yeah. Was physically tough. But I've created this. But you're worth it. In other words, child, you were worth what I had to go through. Mamas vagene and anus became one because of you. That's right. But you were worth it.

Brian Bishop (90:59)

I like how your first example of a woman's sacrifice isn't giving up her career, putting it on the back burner. It was stopping drinking for nine months.

Adam Carolla (91:10)

The first month. I think you can drink actually.

Brian Bishop (91:11)

That's a good point.

Adam Carolla (91:12)

So it's about seven and a half months. And obviously I mean hard liquor.

Brian Bishop (91:15)

Yeah. Not the occasional year.

Adam Carolla (91:17)

I mean like a Schwitz wipe, something like that.

Brian Bishop (91:19)

Mimosa.

Adam Carolla (91:19)

Yeah. No, but I've been at those parties where everyone is celebrating and there's the one pregnant chick and everything's going around and she goes, club soda vlog. I'm good with my club soda. And you're like, you kind of feel sorry for her because everyone else is kind of getting their shit on her. There's a doobie going around or whatever it is and she's sitting there with her fucking club soda. Sacrifice. It's a good thing. The birthing classes. I would just love some sort of document on kids of birthing class Parents or parents of birthing class. I don't think it makes anything any different or any better.

Brian Bishop (91:55)

It can't make a difference in any tangible way for the kid. Right. It's just got to be for the mom's comfort, I suppose.

Adam Carolla (92:01)

Yeah. It's really just a group of pussy whipped guys. That's all it is. It's like it's 30 guys showing up in one place with a knowing glance. So you're pre whipped too? Yeah, me too. All right, so we're paying for this. Fucking college football started here.

Caller (92:15)

We are.

Adam Carolla (92:16)

Awesome. And maybe it's just me, but I also know that making an ordeal about the event leading into the event, months into the event is not a great thing to do emotionally. For instance, we went and I think it's up now the car cast episodes. Now we put the car on the dyno. I just normally work, work, work, work, work. And then we go to Monterey and we race the car. And I don't Even think about it. This time we went and put the car up on a dynamometer and spooled it up, and I got in the car and I scared myself inside of the car like a week before.

Brian Bishop (93:08)

I'm asking for Alison and the other listeners, what's a dynamometer?

Adam Carolla (93:11)

It's a probe that goes up your. We'll show you a beat of it. It's a thing that tests the horsepower of the car while the wheels are spinning. And it's kind of indoors and it's kind of loud. And for the first time ever, I went and scared myself in the car. You can see the. Well, we'll get to the punching part in a second.

Brian Bishop (93:38)

Has one of those ever malfunctioned?

Adam Carolla (93:39)

Not. I mean, now that it's over, it's kind of. No. You'll see when it spools up that it gets. It gets scary. I sat inside the car and I scared myself inside the car a week before the race. Yeah, it's weird when it's standing still and, like, chained down. Anyway, I went to the race for the first time scared. Whereas I would always just go to the race going, fuck it. We're gonna get in the car. We're gonna have a good time. It was a bunch of lead up that kind of led up the buildup. I don't know that going to a class every other weekend for four months before this makes it any better. I think, in a weird way, you'd be better off trying to kind of put it out of your mind and then just. It's go time that day and just fucking do it instead of the huge buildup. Gary, you can show the thing when it spools up, and I'll show you the part where it gets a little. It gets a little scary. It's just further down. It's the next run. All right, we'll bring our guests in in one second. You can go to Carcast Facebook if you want to check it out. Hey, Alex. Yes? What's going on?

Caller (94:43)

I'm good. How are you doing, ace? Man?

Adam Carolla (94:45)

I'm doing good, man. All right, here we go. We're going to spool it up again. So you get to, like, 3,000 RPM in fourth gear, and then you punch it, and that's when it scares you. So what you do is you drive it up to the red line to make one run. So then I started thinking, well, when you race it, you do that times 10, 20 times a lap, every single lap. And I started, I was sitting in the car, and the Car was vibrating, making so much noise and so, like, violent and scary that I thought, oh, no, no, this is scaring. Now I'm scared. So the. The lead up to the. The lead up scared me.

Gary (95:28)

It's weird how foreboding that sound is. It's like I have. I'm having, like, a. Almost a Pavlovian response to that.

Adam Carolla (95:34)

When you're in the car and you're moving 135 miles an hour forward, it's kind of behind you, but when you're sitting still, it freaks you out in a small room.

Brian Bishop (95:44)

I mean, not small, but in, like, a room with concrete and everywhere.

Adam Carolla (95:48)

So all of a sudden, I was on my way to the race, going, I don't know if I want to do this or not.

Brian Bishop (95:54)

Psyched yourself out.

Adam Carolla (95:55)

That's what I did. So I think you can psych yourself out. I don't think. I think it's quite. Lynette was a champ. Like, it was like, you'll be pregnant with these twins, and then we'll pick a day, and that'll be go time, and we'll just go there and do it. And that's what she did. And it wasn't a whole lot of hand wringing and classes and whatnot leading up to it. And I think it was. I think it was good that way. All right. Shit. Alex, real quick, and then we'll bring our guests in. Alex, Is he still on?

Caller (96:25)

Yes. So Yesterday I turned 21, finally.

Adam Carolla (96:29)

Yeah.

Caller (96:29)

And I fell asleep at around 7 o' clock and woke up this morning, and I was super upset that I did nothing. So I was wondering if you had any suggestions about something that I could do to make up for my miss 21st.

Adam Carolla (96:44)

My 21st, I think, was on a Friday. I went to some party, I got drunk, and I fell asleep on a box spring in an alley. And then the following day, I had to go to work and dig ditches on a construction site. Wildly hungover. If there's anything you don't want to do hungover, it's dig ditches. Yeah.

Daniel Schechter (97:01)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (97:02)

And that's all I remember. I say you get some of your friends, you get yourself a 12 pack of domestic beer, you all beat off on a cookie and eat it. I didn't see that coming.

Brian Bishop (97:18)

I did not see that going that way.

Gary (97:20)

Traditional.

Adam Carolla (97:21)

It's traditional. It's called Okie cookie. All right, Alex, Enjoy. Yeah. Legal zoom, baby. Oh, man. Most Americans don't have a will, but you don't want the court dictating what happens to your property. Do you? You know what I found out in California?

Brian Bishop (97:37)

What's that?

Adam Carolla (97:38)

If you don't have a will and you pass away, all your stuff goes to Donald Sterling.

Brian Bishop (97:42)

Oh, my God, him specifically. Specifically not the owner of a major sports franchise. Sterling, Donald.

Adam Carolla (97:48)

That's how he got.

Brian Bishop (97:49)

That's how he's so wealthy. Obviously.

Adam Carolla (97:51)

It seems bizarre, inane, weird.

Daniel Schechter (97:54)

It's gone on for that.

Adam Carolla (97:54)

Super specific. Yeah. But that's what happens.

Brian Bishop (97:58)

Thank God we have this platform and you can spread the word about it.

Gary (98:01)

We don't want it to happen to you.

Adam Carolla (98:03)

Stuff to go to your kids. Yeah, yeah. Not that racist. No, no. So you go to Legal Zoo, man. They can take care of you. It's National Make a Will Month. It's coming to an end soon, so let's hurry. Only a few days left. Right now you can save 15% on last wills and get living trust and receive what they call a pour over. Will free. Only takes 20 minutes. They'll guide you from start to finish. Developed by the best legal minds in the country. They make it painless for you. Their legal zoo. Dawson, during National Make a Will Month, get special pricing on wills and living trusts by entering Adam in the referral box at checkout. It's National Make a Will Month, so don't wait any longer. Protect your family, protect your future. @legalzoom.com Today, LegalZoom was developed by top attorneys to provide self help services in your specific direction. But they're not a law firm. Legal help is furnished through vetted independent attorneys. All right, Will Forte out there. Daniel Schechter is out there. Life of crime, new movie. We'll take a quick break. We'll bring them in. We'll talk to them next. Yeah, Back with Will Forte and Daniel Schechter. Good to see you guys. The movie, I'm sorry, it's called Life of Crime. It's in theaters coming up this Friday. Jennifer Aniston's in it. Tim Robbins, Isla Fisher. So lots of good people as well as Will Forte. So, Dan, this is. This is your project. Sidle up to the mic there, if you would. Dan, how did this thing get started? How the hell did you get Jennifer Aniston in it? I mean, Will Forte. Thank you.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (99:40)

It's a long tale that I'll make brief. It's based on a book by a guy named Elmore Leonard, who, I don't know if you've seen his stuff. There are movies like Get Shorty out of Sight, Jackie Brown, kind of hip crime stuff. I'm like a Huge fan of his. I took one of his books off my bookshelf, and I did something that normally wouldn't work on 99 times out of 100, I just sort of adapted it on spec. And Hale married into his reps and said, I really would love to do this. And they were like, we don't even know who owns this. This is kind of before our time. And it took two years to track down the rights, and by then I had sort of won them over. And they're like, all right, we'll give you a year to see if you could put together a cast. And in that time, we got people like Will and John Hawks and Mos Def. And then Jennifer Aniston did sign on events.

Adam Carolla (100:23)

And did you know Will before this?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (100:25)

No, I didn't. I just. That by then, we had a couple pretty great people attached. Like, the people I just mentioned. I think John Hawks and Mos Def and Aniston were on board. So then I was like, oh, I think this is cool enough that I could just offer it to him and he might consider it, because I love Will as a big fan. And so. Well, you were also like, oh, I got an offer. Like, that was exciting.

Adam Carolla (100:44)

Well, don't you think there's a lot of that in this business where you as an actor, like, oh, I would be flattered. Like, I've had people say, we're looking for an Adam Carolla type. And I'm going, I'm available. I could do it. You know, like, there's a weird disconnect. It's like, I don't know, the two cool, insecure people at the. At the dance standing on the other side of the gym thinking, well, no one would ever want to come out. Well, they wouldn't. And they're both, like, kind of thinking the same thing. And you should probably just go meet in the middle somewhere and have a nice conversation and then talk to each other.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (101:15)

I've seen agents talk to each other. I've seen people interfere with that, though, too, where they kind of tell the person, oh, you're too big. You shouldn't do this right now.

Adam Carolla (101:19)

Now.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (101:19)

So sometimes people get inside their head and make them think they should accept, you know, maybe a smaller part or something like that. Because Will, right before, I think, just did Alexander Payne's movie in Nebraska, that he's amazing.

Adam Carolla (101:28)

Yes. I love that movie quite a bit, and I thought it was very good. And I thought Nebraska's one of those movies where I don't. I mean, it's not about anything. I guess that's really the point. But there's no part. It's. Once you start it, you don't turn it off. And I think that's probably the highest compliment you can pay to a movie. It's sort of like. It's weird. It's like my relationship with magic. I watch Magic for like four minutes. I go, God, that's really hard. It's so impressive. And I go, all right, let's go. I just want to leave. But I'm still like. I go, that's really impressive. I just want to leave. And Nebraska's one of those movies where you. There's nothing going on, but you never want to shut it off. You just want to see what's going on next. I know it sounds horrible. I just mean.

Brian Bishop (102:16)

That's a two thumbs up review from Adam.

Gary (102:18)

No, but since Will has been in the room, he's received a lot of backhand compliments.

Daniel Schechter (102:23)

No, it's the word compliment.

Adam Carolla (102:25)

There's a couple of. There's a couple of guys on the road in black and white for a long period of time, but you don't go. You don't go, I wonder if he's going to get that riding mower back or not. Like, that's not what's really on your mind. You just. You don't want to turn it off. You just don't want to go somewhere.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (102:41)

Somebody once told me a weird. They said a weird thing that I didn't take seriously at the time, but they said to make a great movie, you only need three really good scenes, but you need no bad scenes. And I didn't really think about that at first, but, like, that's what that movie is. There's just no bad in it. So people like us who are judgmental and critical, we can just turn off that part of our brain and just, wow, this is just really good. And I care about these people. And this is just solid work all the way through.

Adam Carolla (103:01)

It is. And I don't know what the timeline is, but. But especially when you're at home, it's not eight minutes. It's probably closer to three minutes of not much going on for you just to get up and leave or change a channel or whatever it is. And so Nebraska, that way, and I'm assuming life of crime will be that and then some.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (103:21)

That's your big fear, is that people are going to turn on Netflix someday. I have like 100 movies on Netflix that didn't get past, I think, minute eight or something like that, especially in that environment. Where it doesn't cost you a dime to. To just walk away and see what else is on. But, yeah, we burned some calories to hold your attention for the hour and a half or whatever it is to watch this movie. I really want people to be entertained while sitting through something I make.

Adam Carolla (103:41)

And the general premise is what?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (103:45)

Jennifer Aniston plays sort of a depressed and trapped housewife in the late 1970s, and she gets kidnapped by John Hawks and Mos Def, who have kind of a clever scheme to extort her husband, Tim Robbins, for a million dollars while they're holding her ransom. And then things don't, as they do in life and movies do not go according to plan and will forte sort of one of the things they don't anticipate in the film, I guess.

Adam Carolla (104:08)

Is it getting a wide or limited release or what can we expect? Because people listen all over the country and sometimes world.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (104:16)

Well, the good thing is it's VOD the same day. It's one of those new things where, you know, you gotta spin a positive. It's tough on the director's ego. But apparently it's really great now to have your movie come out, out vod, because the whole, you know, country can see it whenever they want. So it's going to be in 15 major cities. Don't make me list them all, because I don't have them by memory, but I think they're on the site lifeofcrime.com and VOD the same day. And I hope people get a kick out of it. You can see the trailer and stuff. And I'm really proud of the film. We were closing out of Toronto almost like a year ago. So it's fun, you know, now the movie's finally coming out, I just want

Daniel Schechter (104:47)

to tell you that you are handsome, you are smart.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (104:49)

Is that I need to hear just

Daniel Schechter (104:51)

to boost your ego about this VOD thing.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (104:53)

Thank you, Mr.

Adam Carolla (104:53)

Forte.

Daniel Schechter (104:53)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (104:54)

And you shot. It's weird how long the process is, right? Like, it's weird how you shoot it. Everything heats up for a while, and then it kind of goes away for a little while, and then it heats up again because it's in a festival and it's sort of back.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (105:10)

It's a testament to how you need to find stuff you actually like because you got to talk about it for years. And I still love this thing. It's based on one of my favorite books. It's a kind of a quasi prequel to Jackie Brown by Quentin Tarantino, has some of the same characters in it. So that sort of made me even more of a nerd for it. And I think other people get excited about it, and I just love it. I love the seven parts. I love the actors that I couldn't believe. I got to be in this movie. Aniston does stuff I'd never seen her do before. Robin's forte. I think everybody kind of does something that they haven't done in other films, which is kind of what I always want to see in casting.

Adam Carolla (105:38)

So, Will, what is your journey? Where do you grow up? How do you get into SNL comedy and all that stuff? And was there something else you thought you were going to be or that your dad was praying you would be?

Daniel Schechter (105:50)

My dad was in the financial industry. He was a stock analyst. So I thought I was going to do that. I grew up in Northern California, a place called Moraga and Lafayette, and went to ucla, was just a history major. Started doing the financial stuff. Hated it. It was just not for me. And then went to the Groundlings and started. Started working my way up through there and was a writer first, so I was writing for sitcoms for several years before getting the SNL job.

Adam Carolla (106:21)

What years were you over at the Groundlings?

Daniel Schechter (106:23)

Groundlings was like, 90. I started going through the system. You were at the Groundlings, right?

Adam Carolla (106:29)

Yeah, yeah. I mean, probably had some of the same teachers. I was probably there before you. I was there late, super, like, 89. 90. No, it was weird because I was watching TV today and they were doing. Doing this whole thing about Rob Lowe's sex tape. And it's a weird milestone life marker, but I was like, I remember hearing about that sex tape when I was taking my writer's lab at the ground laser.

Brian Bishop (106:53)

It's the 20th anniversary of Rob Lowe's sex tape.

Adam Carolla (106:55)

Yeah.

Daniel Schechter (106:59)

About 2002. 94.

Adam Carolla (107:02)

Did you go all. Did you have, like, Cynthia Segetti and people.

Daniel Schechter (107:06)

I did. Cynthia wasn't. She was doing her stuff through Acme at the time.

Adam Carolla (107:11)

She went to Acme. So I went and started ACMI after I was cut from the Groundlings.

Daniel Schechter (107:16)

So I was. During the waits in between Groundling stuff, I would go take classes from Cynthia, who's great. She's great.

Adam Carolla (107:23)

I try to tell people all the time that the Groundlings had classes that you might get through intermediate and then go to writer's lab or Advanced. And it'd take, like, two years before the next class opened up. And so they would give you these supplemental classes that you could kind of take for free in, like, church basements on Saturdays. And it was like, well, you can take Kathy, what's her name's class for free. Like, as a way to kind of tide you over. It was like a little snack in between the classes. But it would be long periods of time between going from one level to the next. It'd be like my kids if, like, if they took two years off between second and third grade. It was just a weird. It was a weird way to do it. And it was that much more heartbreaking when they kicked you out at the end because you had so many years under your belt. They probably could have squeezed them all into 18 months, but five years in, they're telling you to hit the bricks. At least that's what happened to me. And then I just went and started acting.

Daniel Schechter (108:23)

I made it in.

Gary (108:26)

What'd he miss?

Daniel Schechter (108:28)

But that's the thing. It's a. I love it.

Caller (108:31)

It's.

Daniel Schechter (108:31)

It is. Everything that I've gotten has come through the Groundlings in that experience. But it's, you know, it's. It could have happened, you know, depending on the teacher. You get, you know, everyone's just got different, you know, different people are making decisions on your future there. And so it's, you know, if I had the teachers you had, I might have gotten kicked out as well. So.

Adam Carolla (108:53)

No, there is an element of. You do two shows, as I've said, in your advanced class, and they vote after the second show. And I had a good first show and a shitty second show because my teacher told me, do a bunch of gents type shit, which of course I wasn't any good at. And then they voted the next morning and it was like, yeah, you can't weigh things equally. If one happened two months before, the other one happened that night and you're voting the next day. But I remember just being fucking devastated.

Daniel Schechter (109:22)

Oh, yeah. I mean, it is hard work. That place is. It's hard work. It's very rewarding. But like, it's. You invest a lot of yourself in that process. It's hard.

Adam Carolla (109:33)

It was so weird for me because I want all. You get indoctrinated into this thing and it's like all you want to do is make it into the main company, you know, and the main company, those people are gods, you know, Especially when you're taking beginning and intermediate, you know, like, oh, the main company. The main company. And you hear about all the names, they've gone on to SNL and say forte.

Brian Bishop (109:55)

That's why you're saying.

Daniel Schechter (109:56)

You did not hear that line, by the way. I didn't say that. Whoever that was a wizard voice.

Adam Carolla (110:02)

So what happened with me is I got dumped and then I went off and did Acme, and then I went off and did some other things. And then later on, Loveline became successful, and they did a Groundlings like, After Dark cable show or something. Like in 1998, whatever. It was, 97. And they wanted me as the celebrity host of the Groundling. So they would get these, you know, C list celebrities to come in and be the host that night for the late night cable show Groundlings After Dark or whatever it is. So I had only been booted. You know, I'd been booted out about five or six years earlier, but it was still pretty fresh in my mind.

Caller (110:46)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (110:46)

And so when I showed up, everyone was like, hey, man, pretty, you know, hey, that's the stars here. And I was like, me, you guys are the Groundlings. You know, I remember, like, being. I was backstage and I was, like, talking to one of the guys going, hey, man, you're a Groundling. He's like, hey, you're on mtv. And I'm like, mtv? Come on. Jesus Christ. Polly Shore's on mtv. You're a groundling. And I was like, going, what's that? Like, what's going on? He's like, you know, I got a couple of roommates. We had a pretty cool apartment over in Van Nuys. You know, I don't have a car, but it's cool. We take the bus. And I'm like, oh, that's right. I live in a house in the Hollywood Hills. Like. But it still never really sunk in. Right.

Gary (111:27)

Because they had rejected you.

Adam Carolla (111:28)

They rejected me. So I was out making good money as a working comedian, and they were still Groundlings. And I. To me, they're well ahead of me, career wise. What that show was, it was like Night at the Groundlings.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (111:43)

I know.

Adam Carolla (111:43)

You know, I don't remember too much

Daniel Schechter (111:47)

about it, but there definitely was a show around then. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (111:50)

Yeah. So will. So then you go from the Groundlings and did you get into SNL from the Groundlings?

Daniel Schechter (111:57)

No, I was. Well, yes and no. I started doing a bunch of sitcom writing. I wrote it. I guess the main ones were third rock from the sun and 70s show. And then while I was there, I would still do Groundling shows every once in a while and just happened to be at one that Lorne Michaels came to, and that was 2002, I guess.

Adam Carolla (112:20)

Instant comedy with the Groundlings, 1998. And then I don't know how long it lasted. So Lorne Michaels, now do you know Beforehand, Lorne Michaels is in the audience. I mean, you could see his forehead from the stage.

Daniel Schechter (112:32)

Obviously, somebody whispered, lorne Michaels is out sitting in the audience. And then everyone. Some other people said, shh, shh, shh. Because they didn't want to freak everybody out. But I had a job at the time, so I was. I think other people might have tensed up a little, and I was nice and loose because I thought, oh, there's no way I could go there. Anyway, I'm under contract writing right now. So I just went out and had fun. Had a. Happen to have a good show. The crazy thing is, I did this sketch that just did incredibly well that night. And we did it for another three months, and it never went well again after that. I just got really lucky.

Gary (113:11)

What was it? Do you remember?

Adam Carolla (113:12)

It was the Pigeoner.

Daniel Schechter (113:14)

No, the pigeoner. It was the stakes. It was actually, we did it on snl. We tried it on snl and it did not go well there. But it was. I was a judge. And the defendant kept over the testimony. There was a. It was a murder trial. God, I'm not doing a good job of describing this succinctly. The guy who was up for murder would, Every time the witness would try to talk, would make this bullhorn go off. And so the judge kept being very patient and just, you know, Mr. Marshall, will you please refrain from using your bullhorn? And then he would say, sure, sure. And then it would go off again. Then it was like, okay. Finally, after several minutes, it's like, okay, bailiff, please. Please retrieve Mr. Marshall's bullhorn. And then we'd go on with. And the witness would try to talk again. And he shoots off a bullhorn. It's like, Mr. Marshall, you have a second bullhorn, don't you? They're just. Kept being. He kept having many, many bullhorns. Sorry, I could have done that shorter.

Adam Carolla (114:24)

Yeah, that was kind of like.

Daniel Schechter (114:26)

It was watching the sketch.

Adam Carolla (114:28)

But magical, that. That night with Lorne Michaels.

Daniel Schechter (114:31)

Oh, yeah, it was. It was. I mean, so what.

Adam Carolla (114:36)

What happened then after that? Was there like, oh, actually, I remember

Daniel Schechter (114:40)

I was going to. I went to Europe. I had. We had time off from 70s show and I went to Europe and got a call that basically ruined my vacation because it was saying that he wanted you to. He wanted me to come and audition. And it terrified me. And all I could think about was how nervous I was. Already incredibly nervous.

Gary (115:03)

I couldn't eat any of the carbs anymore, right?

Adam Carolla (115:04)

Oh, yeah. No. Oh, my God.

Daniel Schechter (115:07)

I mean, this is your dream. Going into the Groundlings. To go to SNL is your dream, and here it's, like, presented in front of you, and I was just terrified of it. So it was.

Adam Carolla (115:17)

Yeah, it is. It's a weird way to ruin a vacation, to let you know there's something.

Daniel Schechter (115:24)

Most people would just be delighted, but I'm just an overthinker, and I thought, oh, I know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

Adam Carolla (115:30)

Not most comedians. I think most people with a sense of humor would probably get up in their head about it and be thinking about it.

Daniel Schechter (115:36)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (115:37)

Throughout the. Whatever. Yeah, yeah. I got. Yes, Paul Bryan.

Brian Bishop (115:42)

Speaking of backhanded compliments, before the show started, I gave Will a very clumsy compliment that when MacGruber first came out, I, like, probably many people, was confused, and I was like, what is going on here? And since then, I've seen it three or four more times. It's one of my favorite comedies, and I love it.

Daniel Schechter (115:56)

Thank you very much.

Brian Bishop (115:57)

It's really grown on me. Do you get that a lot of people saying, like, oh, I've turned the corner on this movie or this movie?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (116:02)

No.

Daniel Schechter (116:02)

Most of them say they liked it right off the bat.

Adam Carolla (116:05)

I know I describe it as a comedy about nothing. No, I.

Daniel Schechter (116:09)

You know, I don't care if. As long as somebody ultimately likes it, I'm fine with it.

Adam Carolla (116:16)

If it's.

Daniel Schechter (116:16)

You know, the problem is most people, if they don't like it the first time, they're not going to watch it again. So I just got lucky that you somehow saw it again.

Brian Bishop (116:23)

I've seen it now.

Daniel Schechter (116:23)

Yeah, we're really proud of it. We're. You know, it's.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (116:25)

It's.

Daniel Schechter (116:26)

It was a. It was a bummer when a lot of people didn't see it because we really believed in it. But, you know, it feels like we. People have come around on it a little bit, you know, through getting to see it on cable and stuff. But. But, yeah, we wish more people got to see people.

Brian Bishop (116:40)

Track down McGrewer. That's a funny movie.

Adam Carolla (116:42)

Agreed. Shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen. Yeah, go ahead. The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

Will Forte (116:54)

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

Adam Carolla (116:57)

Allison.

Will Forte (116:59)

And when it's time to wrap it

Adam Carolla (117:01)

up, she'll sign it off with Zip it. Cut.

Gary (117:08)

That is the kind of enthusiasm that I wish all guests had for that song.

Adam Carolla (117:13)

Dan, you don't have any relation to Jody Scheckter, do you?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (117:16)

No, I never do. When Anybody ever asked me about another Schecter. I have a very small family and I always have a disappointing answer.

Adam Carolla (117:21)

Jody Scheckter. You see how the F1 great Jody Scheckter spot. Oh, he was one of the guys that probably. If you saw Rush, you'd probably see a couple of his cars. What? This car is pulling around there. Spelled it differently.

Gary (117:39)

Yeah, it looks like Jody Scheckter has a K. Oh, and our Dan Schechter does not.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (117:43)

That is correct.

Adam Carolla (117:44)

Anyone ever bring up Jody Schechter, I'm an asshole.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (117:46)

You're the first.

Adam Carolla (117:47)

All right, here we go. That's just a fucking tactic. No gearheads in this goddamn town.

Daniel Schechter (117:52)

Schecter or Lenore. Thank you.

Gary (117:56)

So, biggest earthquake in 25 years to hit the Bay Area. Struck just before dawn last night. 6.0 magnitude earthquake will. Do you still have family up there?

Daniel Schechter (118:05)

I do. They're all okay. But they said it shook pretty hard.

Gary (118:09)

Yeah, it was apparently probably not a rolling one, but a very violent shaking.

Adam Carolla (118:14)

People tweeted me a lot of pictures of big wine barrels on the ground broken open and my precious booze everywhere. And I had this thing where I toured a huge winery. Got like a private tour of a huge winery like, four years ago, and I noticed. We'll find a picture. The way they stack the barrels is simply by gravity. They have these metal sort of bands, and they're not really bands. It's brackets. The brackets. As if you took two Cs and put them back to back, facing the opposite direction, put one on top of the other and then put the barrel on top of that. And then you just keep stacking. And they'd go up like 10 barrels high. They'd go up like three stories. And I used to do earthquake rehab work, and I was going on a tour, and I'm looking at these thousands of barrels all just stacked up, but nothing. No straps, no cables, no anything. And I just said, what's holding those things up? And they said, gravity. Just the weight of one on top of the other. And I said, we're an earthquake country, are we not? And they said, oh, yeah. I said, well, if there's an earthquake, aren't these all just going to come showering down and then break apart? And it's just going to be all this beautiful wine just spread everywhere and you lose millions of dollars. And they're like, then you get this one, which is an interesting part of life that I've been experiencing a lot. Yes. Matter of fact, that happened like, we had a big One like a year ago. And all of it came down and I went, okay, does anyone want to get any fucking tie downs and put it on top of this thing or some straps or brackets or something? And they're like, yeah, that's a good idea. That's a real good idea.

Brian Bishop (119:55)

When we sober up, we'll have to tell the boss about that.

Adam Carolla (119:58)

This is what they have. You can see what it looks like. But if you show. So Gary, if you find a shot of the thing just stacked up, they just somebody. You put the one bracket on the ground, you put a barrel on it, you stack. It's not even as effective as Legos because there's no male and female. It's all just sit on top, put a bracket, a curved bracket on top. But it's the weirdest thing in the world. It's like you're talking to a pilot going, shouldn't we shut the door before we take off? That'd be an awesome idea. Now let's get in our seats. You're to going, but what if oxygen blows out of place? Yeah, we want that to happen. And you're like, in fact, it did happen once. It happened a few times. Lots of planes were lost. And you're like, well, go do something then. You're in the middle of earthquake country. Nothing, nothing, nothing to be done. Oh, now Gary, I need a picture that goes to the fucking ceiling. But you can see again that it's just sort of wedges and brackets and weight. You just keep stacking the barrels on top of each other.

Gary (121:00)

What if they need to get to one of the barrels that's on the bottom? Or do they not.

Adam Carolla (121:03)

Does it just not that way? I don't know. Here's a bigger picture of what I was looking at.

Daniel Schechter (121:08)

Oh, geez.

Adam Carolla (121:09)

My plan always was they had. There's nothing holding them down but gravity.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (121:16)

It's a good action scene in a

Adam Carolla (121:17)

movie is what I'm seeing here running slow motion as the barrels explode behind.

Daniel Schechter (121:22)

It's like Mario Bros. Are you guys from California?

Adam Carolla (121:26)

Yes, I am. And this is why everyone is.

Brian Bishop (121:29)

I grew up in California.

Daniel Schechter (121:31)

I look at everything as what would happen to an earthquake, to this. Like, it's just. It's one of my big fears in my head.

Adam Carolla (121:37)

I stare at pets and think what would happen if there was an earthquake. You would fall over or like at a bar.

Daniel Schechter (121:42)

Like, oh, all that stuff in an earthquake is just little things like that. Everything is through this prism of earthquake fear.

Adam Carolla (121:49)

It's a pretty good sort of glimpse into our horribly wired Psyche and that we live in a place where the earth underneath our feet shakes violently like every four years. Yet I will pass an award that's made of glass and perched on the end of a shelf every day and think I should put something under that and never do it.

Daniel Schechter (122:11)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (122:11)

Why, why, why are we wired that way now?

Gary (122:14)

Do you think it's cuz we've. People who grew up in California have lived through so many earthquakes where nothing horrible has happened. Because that's my experience of earthquakes usually is you just kind of wait it out.

Adam Carolla (122:24)

I think our default setting is nothing and we're lazy. I think there's an also part of us that's like, well the day we put the straps on the barrels, the day the big one hits, like we're gonna, we're gonna will ourselves an earthquake by putting the safety straps on the barrels of wine. But yeah, I don't know. It's Northern California. They've had some seismic activity there in the past. I do believe recent history. Why not? Why? And in a world of codes. Because it's nothing but codes. If you build a place, if you build a structure, it's nothing but oh, shear wall and hold downs and all thread and Simpson straps and it's like nothing but earthquake work. If you're going to build, I guarantee the building that has all the loose barrels of wine in it went through a whole bunch of earthquake related codes. Why not the stuff you're doing inside the building? Because there's going to be at some point employees walking around through the corridor of hotels and tour groups. Yes.

Brian Bishop (123:27)

People that don't belong there.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (123:29)

The 1 to 10 system that they do. And I'm from New York, but the last time I was here there were like a couple fours and fives. It was like a couple months ago where they had that. But this was a six.

Adam Carolla (123:38)

Right.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (123:39)

That it doesn't. Is it exponential? Because it doesn't seem like it's that much more.

Adam Carolla (123:42)

Yes, it's a fucked up system where you go, this is a 6, but a 7 is 10,000 times more powerful.

Gary (123:50)

You go, isn't the point of numbers

Adam Carolla (123:51)

to avoid that six? Yeah, we were using the first numbers then it's really. I'd like to find that guy. And the guy did the terror color code alert thing. No, this is a magenta that's totally different than burnt orange. You should know that burnt orange is inherently more dangerous. We should work that one out. Because I've had it explained to me a million times that the difference between a 7 and an 8 is the difference between a. A firecracker and Hiroshima. And it's like. Well, it just seems like one to me.

Will Forte (124:27)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (124:28)

So we should work out a new system.

Daniel Schechter (124:30)

Okay, agreed.

Adam Carolla (124:31)

All right. And by the way, worked. I wouldn't mind doing the black cat M80, M200.

Brian Bishop (124:37)

These are all explosives.

Adam Carolla (124:39)

Yeah, you got to go to Mexico more often.

Brian Bishop (124:41)

Sorry about that.

Adam Carolla (124:43)

But, you know, Hiroshima, Nagasaki. Save those for the island shit. You know, just keep working. Just keep working our way through famous explosions. Sorry.

Gary (124:51)

The earthquake triggered six major fires, including several mobile homes that completely burned down. It's a lot of range, people's wine destroyed, and some mobile homes.

Brian Bishop (125:01)

Will, were you up there for the 89 earthquake? Were you still living in the Bay Area at that point?

Daniel Schechter (125:05)

I had just moved down for college, but I was here for the 94. 94. That's the scary thing is you remember. Oh, yes, Northridge. Within a couple of. Couple years after that one. We got one. We must be, I think, pretty overdue down here.

Adam Carolla (125:21)

Oh, yeah.

Daniel Schechter (125:22)

For something.

Adam Carolla (125:23)

Yeah, Something big. It's coming. But doesn't mean any of us are going to strap down any of our shit or have any kind of plan. I don't have.

Daniel Schechter (125:31)

No. I was just yesterday looking. I have this earthquake preparation guide, like the things you should do for an earthquake. I was thinking, I gotta go do this stuff and get a bunch of water just in case. And it's always pushed to later on the to do list. Do you guys have earthquake stuff?

Adam Carolla (125:50)

You know, you have this thing where you think, here's our meeting point, here's our safe word, here's our. Maybe that's different.

Gary (125:57)

Point is, you'd still be having rough sex in an earthquake.

Adam Carolla (126:01)

That's right. Possibly rougher. People always say, like, I have a conversation about. About having a conversation. But the conversation where the family gets together and goes, here's the safe zone, and here's where the water and the beans are. Like, that never happens. Although when I left the house today, my wife was working on a note in case of an emergency for the kids. And I said, what goes on here? Because I remember being in grade school and you'd have your emergency card. And like, well, here's daddy's work number, and here's Mommy, and here's Refined everybody from there's a situation. Here's contact numbers and things like that. But along with that, now comes a note. And the note is, hey, this is Mom. We're doing good.

Brian Bishop (126:52)

A comfort note.

Adam Carolla (126:53)

A comfort note.

Brian Bishop (126:54)

I've never heard of that.

Gary (126:56)

That just made Me. Remember my parents wrote my sister and me a letter and said if anything happened to them to open it. And I've always been like, what the hell's in that letter?

Brian Bishop (127:06)

Bring it in.

Gary (127:06)

Maybe it's who our real parents are. Although there's no reason to think they aren't our real parents.

Adam Carolla (127:10)

50 cent in a condom. Do you still have that letter?

Brian Bishop (127:13)

Good luck.

Will Forte (127:13)

I.

Gina Grad (127:14)

No.

Gary (127:14)

My mom put it in her desk drawer. That's where I was supposed to go if anything ever they were going to Europe.

Brian Bishop (127:19)

Go find it.

Gary (127:19)

Ask her. I know.

Daniel Schechter (127:21)

I bet it just says, we love you very much. You were almost what we wanted. Not a disappointment.

Gary (127:28)

I think it probably has like, hang in there. Information about 50 and this. And here's what to do. Some coupons that are soon to expire.

Adam Carolla (127:38)

I think there should be two notes. There should be, everything's good, we'll see you soon. And then there should be. Daddy's trapped under rubble. You'll never see him again. Shut the fucking lights because I'm not gonna be around. You know what I mean to tell you to get your shit together. There should be the two notes, right? It can't be the one happy note. What if Daddy was trapped under the wine barrel?

Brian Bishop (127:56)

But how would they know which one to open?

Adam Carolla (127:58)

Well, I think the people in charge are gonna have to find out. You know, the city's burned. Send them. Give them the tough love note.

Brian Bishop (128:05)

Okay?

Adam Carolla (128:06)

You know what I'm saying?

Brian Bishop (128:07)

This is a note number one situation. Note number two situation.

Adam Carolla (128:11)

That's right. Oh, here's a note I'd like to get. I'd like to get one from DraftKings, baby. Football season just around the corner. Getting excited.

Brian Bishop (128:20)

Man, I can't believe it's almost here.

Adam Carolla (128:22)

Getting beaked up. Love it. And if you want your piece of the five million dollar kickoff week at DraftKings.com it is easy. Brian, how you hanging, man?

Brian Bishop (128:30)

Good. So I'm also doing the traditional league just because I've been doing it for years and the pain in the butt is trying to get it on the same page for the draft. Like, oh, I can do it Monday at 6 or Tuesday at 8 or whatever it is. What a pain in the butt. But DraftKings, you draft that week on your own schedule. And if it doesn't work out for you, for whatever reason, next week, draft a new team.

Adam Carolla (128:46)

Fantasy football, much more exciting. @draftkings.com you can win huge prizes starting the first week of the season. DraftKings Dawson. DraftKings.com Bigger events, bigger winnings Bigger millionaires. Use promo code Adam and you'll get free entries into the week1.5 million dollar kickoff bash. Enter Adam now for free entry now@draftkings.com DraftKings.com all right, let's do another one. Gary, tell me about Jody Scheckter. Dying to know. I want to learn. I think he would have been in. I think he would have been in the Niki Lada, James Hunt. Rush would have been in that series.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (129:19)

I saw Rush.

Adam Carolla (129:20)

Love that movie.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (129:21)

That's good.

Adam Carolla (129:23)

All right, sorry.

Daniel Schechter (129:24)

Where were we?

Gary (129:24)

Well, Richard Attenborough, acclaimed actor and director dot com. He was 90. He had been in poor health for some time. Perhaps you know him as he invented dinosaurs. That's right.

Brian Bishop (129:35)

He brought him back.

Gary (129:36)

That's right.

Brian Bishop (129:38)

Didn't he direct Gandhi?

Gary (129:39)

He did. He directed Gandhi and he played Kris Kringle in a remake of Miracle on 34th Street. He also was the theme park director in Jurassic Park. He directed oh, what a Lovely War. He also directed Chaplin and Shadowland and Chorus Line, which apparently the critics did not like at the time, which is surprising to me.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (130:00)

Real MacGruber type situation.

Gary (130:02)

Exactly.

Adam Carolla (130:03)

Come around. Jody Schechter won the F1 world championship in 1979 and started in 72. So it would have been through that Rush era, because I think that was like 76, 77 or something.

Brian Bishop (130:16)

He beat Richard Attenborough.

Adam Carolla (130:18)

That's right.

Gary (130:19)

He was knighted in 1976.

Adam Carolla (130:20)

Jody was knight.

Gary (130:22)

No. No.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (130:23)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (130:24)

Daniel, how come nobody comes up to you and brings up Jody Schecter?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (130:27)

I don't know, because they know I

Adam Carolla (130:28)

know nothing about sports or anything manly at all. You're running in the wrong.

Gary (130:33)

Seventeen years later, received a life peerage, becoming Baron Attenborough of Richmond upon Thames. Probably insufferable after that.

Adam Carolla (130:40)

Oh, my God. I remember when I was knighted. It was a big deal. Was. Was. I feel like it's weird, you know, it doesn't happen that often, but were you where you play the old man in a movie that's 20 years old and you're still alive? I'm trying to think of other examples of that, but he was kind of the old guy.

Gary (130:59)

He's been old for a while in

Adam Carolla (131:00)

Jurassic park, but maybe he wasn't that old. He looks pretty old.

Brian Bishop (131:04)

He looks pretty old.

Adam Carolla (131:05)

Yeah, I know, but in my.

Gary (131:07)

He looks old in air quotes.

Adam Carolla (131:08)

When I saw it when I was 25, I was like, old man, whatever. But he's not. He wasn't 75. He was.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (131:15)

No, he was 70 because he died at 90 right.

Adam Carolla (131:17)

He died at 60.

Gary (131:18)

Oh, look who knows math. Okay, we get it. So he had been in frail health since he fell in 2008 and spent his last years in a nursing home.

Adam Carolla (131:29)

Earthquake related or it just went down on his own?

Gary (131:32)

It does not say. All right, I think maybe on his own.

Adam Carolla (131:34)

I use the double sticky tape on my grandpa. I don't want him going anywhere.

Gary (131:39)

To me, 90 is a good life, but I know when I'm 89, I'm gonna be like, I'm not going anywhere.

Adam Carolla (131:44)

Yeah, but you. I mean, hopefully, like it's time.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (131:48)

If I see an 8 in front of a death, it's. It makes it a lot easier to.

Daniel Schechter (131:52)

To see it.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (131:52)

You know, when somebody's number, I think,

Adam Carolla (131:54)

unless there's nothing behind it, then it's. I mean. Well, you're right though.

Brian Bishop (132:01)

That's totally correct. That's totally depressing.

Adam Carolla (132:04)

You want three, four digits behind it. I agree with me. Yeah, well, I'm not a math major, but you know what I'm saying.

Brian Bishop (132:10)

I do know what you're saying.

Adam Carolla (132:10)

I know Jody Shector. That much I know. All right, one more. He'll be missed. Sad.

Gary (132:18)

Three people were wounded, gunshot wounds, at a party hosted by Chris Brown early Sunday.

Will Forte (132:23)

What?

Adam Carolla (132:25)

I mean, oh yeah.

Gary (132:25)

Suge Knight was among the wounded.

Adam Carolla (132:28)

I was listening to this story today. Whaaat?

Gary (132:31)

And it's like, he's gonna be okay though.

Adam Carolla (132:32)

Oh, he was shot at MTV Music Awards party.

Gary (132:36)

Yeah, it was a party for the vma.

Adam Carolla (132:37)

Oh, and seven years earlier, he was also shot at party. Like just being shot multiple times at parties, you know, like I could see being shot multiple times at 7:11 in war. And in war, things like that, shooting range, ranges, things involved. But just parties, being shot at, that seems like a pretty bad run. And.

Gary (132:57)

And to still keep going to parties.

Adam Carolla (132:59)

My feeling is if I'm at a party and I see Shug walking toward the punch bowl, I'm fucking shoulder rolling out of there. Like, this guy has a rich history of being shot at at parties. I will be behind the dude who's shooting at Suge Knight. That's where I'm gonna be. I'm just stay away. As far away from Suge Knight as possible.

Daniel Schechter (133:18)

Behind him as in orchestrating. Are you saying I just the semantics.

Adam Carolla (133:22)

Oh, no, not emotionally or spiritually. Physically behind that, but also shooting. Suge Knight is not that tall a order. He's a lot of man. And I feel like anytime there's bullets flying, one is going to find sugar.

Daniel Schechter (133:36)

Do you think he wears like A bulletproof vest. When he goes out, he.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (133:40)

He should cost him.

Adam Carolla (133:44)

He should go full Kevlar bubble wrap, like, everywhere he goes.

Daniel Schechter (133:48)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (133:48)

Suga's 49 years old. He's gonna be an old man someday if he doesn't keep getting shot at parties.

Adam Carolla (133:53)

If he goes another VMA party, is

Brian Bishop (133:55)

he ever gonna be like a sweet old man? Like, is everyone like a jolly. Like, is he gonna lose his.

Gary (133:59)

Like, a Richard Attenborough type? Yeah, I don't think so.

Brian Bishop (134:01)

I don't think Richard Attenborough.

Adam Carolla (134:04)

I think he goes, don King, at

Brian Bishop (134:06)

some point, is he always going to be scary or is he going to be like, a jolly old man?

Adam Carolla (134:09)

Well, it depends, because it's like the market will determine that. Because what I'm saying is Don King was kind of a street thug. Killed a guy by kicking his head against a curb for a while and stomped to death. We can't judge. But at a certain point, he realized, hey, I'll wave an American flag and pick my hair out, make some real cash. And I don't know where Suge Knight's career is going, but at some point, you know, know it's happened. Like I said, George Foreman was the most feared man on the planet in the 70s. He was, you guys, not old enough to remember. He was considered the scariest, baddest motherfucker on the planet. And he played the part. He didn't. He didn't speak. He didn't. Wasn't funny, Wasn't fun with the press or anything. He was just a funny.

Gary (134:54)

He didn't have a grill.

Brian Bishop (134:55)

He didn't knock out fat.

Adam Carolla (134:56)

Yeah, he didn't knock out fat. He knocked out other brothers, and that's what he did. And he was menacing. That was his whole thing. I mean, you show a picture of. Well, let's see. He did the Thrill in Manila. No, no, that was Joe Rumble and Jump. He did the Rumble in the Jungle. I think whatever you see him in his first time around, he didn't say shit. He stared everyone down. He was fucking huge. And he scared the shit out of everybody. And then he reinvented himself and turn in this great cheeseburger. Eating, grilling, you know, he turned completely around. Shaved mustache, completely round. Yeah, that's all it was. And, you know, Mike Tyson has kind of done the same thing. He turned into this sort of funny, just interesting, chatty guy with all these good stories. He was the baddest man on the planet. So maybe there's some. You know, there's certainly some. There's certainly some History here. There's. There's precedent. He could turn into that guy.

Gary (135:53)

Chris Brown tweeted after the incident, and I need help deciphering the last part of it. He said, it's disappointing that we as a society can't have fun or enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes. Miss me with the bullshit. Is he saying he wants miss?

Adam Carolla (136:08)

Maybe missed him like he was being shot at?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (136:11)

Ms. M I, S, S M I

Daniel Schechter (136:13)

S S. I interpreted that like, don't bring your bullshit around me.

Adam Carolla (136:17)

Right. But when there are bullets flying and he didn't get hit and it's kind of his party, that's miss, miss me. And, you know, the brothers kind of do their own spelling, so I wouldn't read too much into it. There's Scary George from. From back in the day. But you'll see pictures of him, and you will not see pictures of him smiling at all at any time. It's just super scary. George Foreman. And people thought he was gonna kill Muhammad Ali. Like, that's who that dude was. Miss me. I mean, his party and bullets flying. Right. Maybe thought one of those bullets was meant for him.

Gary (136:56)

But, no, I think Will might be right, that it's a sassy, like, listen, you. You miss me with your bullshit. Like, avoid me with the bullshit.

Brian Bishop (137:03)

Don't bring it around here.

Daniel Schechter (137:04)

Yeah, yeah. Just like, you know, this is crazy. Just grow up and don't shoot people apart. Right?

Gary (137:12)

Right. Sensible words from Chris Brown.

Will Forte (137:14)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (137:14)

It's a guy punches chicks in the Aston Martin going, hey, come on, fellas.

Gary (137:18)

Pull it together.

Adam Carolla (137:19)

We'll take it easy.

Brian Bishop (137:20)

Will should give the white interpretation of Chris Brown's tweets.

Adam Carolla (137:23)

I would. That would be a good sketch. I would watch that. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

Gary (137:27)

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

Adam Carolla (137:31)

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, blinds galore. The. They got a Labor Day sale. It is this week. Up to 50% off of everything. You've worked hard all year. You deserve some beautiful blinds. Keeps things nice and cool during these hot summer days. Blinds galore.com is where you go. We went there. Oh, Matt, the porcelain punisher. Yeah, you went there. You screwed up the measurement.

Brian Bishop (137:56)

Screwed it up.

Adam Carolla (137:57)

But I finally got it back, installed it on Saturday morning, slept in Sunday morning, no sun. Yeah, well, my girlfriend did a lot of the heavy lifting, but, you know, I supported her. But you. You gave them the measurements. You screwed up the measurement, right? Yeah.

Daniel Schechter (138:14)

Really great.

Adam Carolla (138:14)

They just replaced it at no cost, no questions asked. It Was amazing. That's what we got to love about blinds Galore. The right window coverings save you 150 bucks on your energy bill. Keeps all that hot sun out and stops your furniture and so forth, and pets from getting all sun blasted and everything. So if you don't like what you've ordered for any reason, they will send you something you like. Free samples, free shipping. These guys are experts. Great clients, great product. Go to blindsgalore.com. that's blindsgalore.com. let them know I sent you. All right. Allison Rosen, your new best friend. Episodes available on itunes. And new episodes every Monday and Thursday. Is that Daniel?

Gary (138:57)

That's Daniel,

Gina Grad (139:00)

yeah. It's a.

Gary (139:01)

It's warning. It's a good episode. It's a pretty sad episode. We're talking all about the whole Oliver situation and all that. But it's a good episode if you enjoy listening to good things.

Adam Carolla (139:11)

We're talking about Oliver the pet, not the neighbor from the Brady.

Caller (139:13)

Okay.

Gary (139:14)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (139:14)

Just in case.

Gary (139:15)

We just lost our dog.

Daniel Schechter (139:16)

I heard.

Adam Carolla (139:16)

I'm sorry.

Gary (139:16)

Oh, thank you.

Daniel Schechter (139:17)

But I heard you also just got married.

Gary (139:19)

Yeah, well, that happened first. Yes.

Daniel Schechter (139:21)

Okay. So that's up to, you know, you take the good, you take the bad.

Gary (139:25)

Thank you.

Adam Carolla (139:25)

You're right. Life of crime. Name of the movie. It is available on bfd. Coming up. No Video on Demand. That is coming up Friday and also in select theaters. I think what people should do is go to lifeofcrimemovie.com and then find out what theater might be near them or how to find it or to see a little trailer for it. Yes.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (139:50)

Rotten Tomatoes. Check it out.

Adam Carolla (139:52)

Go to Rotten Tomatoes. How's it doing on Rotten Tomatoes? Well, I would have brought it.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (139:57)

No, no, it's doing pretty well, but there's only like eight reviews on, so I'm like, I kind of want to step it up. We're still fresh.

Adam Carolla (140:03)

Okay.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (140:04)

We got like 70, something like that.

Will Forte (140:05)

Oh, geez.

Daniel Schechter (140:06)

The way you described it at first made it sound like it was, well,

Adam Carolla (140:09)

yeah, I'm just getting the bad.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (140:10)

There's like, I read, like, five good reviews that aren't up there yet. So I was an attitude of being here, and I'd be like, what's going on?

Adam Carolla (140:14)

Well, we know we got of a lot little juice over Rotten Tomatoes, so we'll give you some tomato juice.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (140:18)

I love Rotten Tomatoes.

Adam Carolla (140:19)

I like it. So until next time, Sam Corolla for Will Forte. Daniel Schachter has never heard of Jody Schachter. The real famous shame who should change the Spelling of his name. Allison Rosen. And bald Brian saying mahalo. Can't kick the bitches out the bed.

Podcast Host (140:44)

All right, it's adam Kroll show 1396 with the genius wheel Forte in studio. Coming up next, we have adam Kroll Show 1803. This is the first half of the episode featuring Mike Rowe, Joe Coy, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. No Mike Rowe in this portion, just Joe Joy, hilarious as usual. Fun reenactment from 2016. Check it out.

Adam Carolla (141:05)

Thank you guys so much for showing up. Thanks for telling a friend. Thanks for spreading all the the good juju around here. And speaking of juju's Gina Grad, everybody. Good day and ball. Bryan. Come on, Kaelin. Kalyn is here. Kalyn is one of our favorite lackeys. We're playing a little know your lackeys, man. I think Corolla Drinks sponsors that we got into the ipa. I got an IPA out. I don't know. We didn't get into it quite yet, but it was flowing in Long beach at the bar around 5 o' clock on Saturday. And it's called Endless Rant. And it is good. It is some good stuff. So I'll keep you posted on that. Kaylin.

Kalin Bean (141:52)

Yes, sir.

Adam Carolla (141:54)

How long you been here?

Kalin Bean (141:55)

I've been here a little over three years now. Started late February 2013, I believe.

Adam Carolla (142:00)

And who's your dad?

Kalin Bean (142:02)

My dad is actor Michael Bean. He's in the Terminator, Aliens, Tombstone, the Rock. The Rock.

Adam Carolla (142:09)

Did he

Brian Bishop (142:13)

ever Come on. Don't bury the lead.

Adam Carolla (142:15)

The Abyss. Do you ever just see him in the doorway of your room at night when you're beating off, yelling, stand down. Stand down.

Brian Bishop (142:24)

Come with me if you want to live.

Kalin Bean (142:27)

Not quite.

Adam Carolla (142:29)

We spilled the same jizz. And we're in the same biz. I mean, same blood in the same mud. Oh, my God. If that guy was my dad, I'd just make him yell stand down. At the dog, at the wife, at my penis. And that's just. There were more. Oh, the Rock. Just everyone yelling stand down. At each other. Oh, I love it. Love that. That must be nice. So you grow up, but that also you're splitting your time because your mom is from England, right?

Kalin Bean (143:02)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (143:03)

So you're going back and forth, right?

Kalin Bean (143:05)

No, she actually was living here for pretty much until I was like, 21, and then she moved back to England. So she was here for a long time.

Adam Carolla (143:13)

All right, we have a intro for Know youw Lackeys. By the way, he knows the last name of the quarterback for the 1970 Rams, but not his nannies. If you want a Nobel Prize, she never made it to the show. Never ask you about it. He greets his own father with, it's nice to meet you. He is the least interested man in the world. This is Know your Lackeys. Kalin is. And by the way, here's how little I know about Know youw Lackers. I don't even know how we do it.

Brian Bishop (143:50)

We talk to Kalen, get to know him. Caleb, what's your favorite movie of your dad's? The one you enjoy the most?

Kalin Bean (143:56)

Have you seen any of them? Yeah. Okay, My favorite movie of his is probably Aliens, but my favorite role that he plays is Johnny Ringo in Tombstone.

Adam Carolla (144:03)

Good answer. Nice.

Caller (144:04)

Solid.

Kalin Bean (144:05)

If I have to go with the favorite scene, then it's got to be that one in the rock too.

Brian Bishop (144:09)

In the showers.

Kalin Bean (144:10)

That's a good scene. That's Michael Bailey.

Brian Bishop (144:11)

Showers.

Adam Carolla (144:12)

Yeah.

Will Forte (144:13)

Does your dad pressure you?

Adam Carolla (144:14)

Like, how long are you going to

Will Forte (144:16)

intern for fucking Corolla? When are you going to start picking up the acting gene that I gave you?

Kalin Bean (144:23)

No, not quite.

Brian Bishop (144:23)

Any acting aspirations?

Kalin Bean (144:25)

Not really. I like acting. I think it's fun. There's a little class that I take with my dad's acting coach, actually, that I go to every once in a while. But for the most part, I don't really like attention very much.

Daniel Schechter (144:37)

So.

Brian Bishop (144:37)

This must be great for you.

Kalin Bean (144:38)

Yeah, this is.

Will Forte (144:40)

He's trying to beat rest. Are you guys looking at this now?

Adam Carolla (144:45)

It's gonna look. Just because you guys flush up when you drink, don't pass it off on the round eye. Look at them. They can't help themselves, can they?

Will Forte (144:53)

One shot and I'm a stoplight.

Adam Carolla (144:55)

That's what I'm saying.

Will Forte (144:56)

Cars come to a complete stoplight.

Adam Carolla (144:58)

Find a mirror.

Will Forte (144:59)

Oh, no.

Adam Carolla (145:00)

Find a mirror.

Will Forte (145:01)

Sorry for making traffic again.

Adam Carolla (145:03)

Find a mirror, lay it on its side and take a good look in it before you start pointing fingers at our red faces. Sorry, Caitlin. Sorry for that digression. All right, so you're taking acting classes just for fun. Okay. But you got a good look. Your dad's obviously connected. And is it in a way to get over, like a stage fright or shyness or that kind of thing?

Kalin Bean (145:29)

No, not really. It's just like, I do like to act. I think it's fun, kind of putting on a mask, pretending to be someone else. But in terms of. Of like doing it regularly. I just, you know, growing up here, you kind of realize if you're gonna be an actor, you kind of got to throw everything into it. You really got to do it. And I like having a steady job, a routine job. I'd go to work, do my work, come home. And I wanted a steady paycheck, too, and I just wasn't ready to give, like, 100%, go out on every audition, do everything to be. To be an actor. So I just kind of. I just do fun every now and then.

Adam Carolla (146:01)

What is. What is surprising to you about this place? I mean, I guess I'm saying if people are listening, they want some insights into what's going on. I remember when I was. I used to listen to radio shows and stuff like that, and I was like, what goes on over there? I'm a narcissistic douchebag. Other than that, don't leave the witness that you must have known coming in.

Kalin Bean (146:23)

No, I don't really understand. Sorry.

Adam Carolla (146:25)

You want. Yeah. No. What was surprising to you when you came around here, if anything?

Kalin Bean (146:31)

I guess it was just kind of how relaxed the environment is. Like, when we're doing the show. I was always starting out. A lot of pressure, a lot of work, and you kind of think it's like that all the time with every show. But in between shows, they're really hit. We have, like, good down times in the back. We eat lunch. You kind of do your rants back there and entertain us. So the downtimes here are pretty fun.

Brian Bishop (146:50)

There's a sideshow.

Gina Grad (146:51)

It's their downtime.

Will Forte (146:52)

Everyone here does dress like it's laundry day. Everyone's in their Sunday's best.

Gina Grad (147:00)

Campbell Joe.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (147:01)

Some of them are in your clothes.

Adam Carolla (147:03)

Yeah.

Will Forte (147:05)

Boss man always leads it. Ace man is always just like, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna wear this for a week. And that's cool.

Adam Carolla (147:13)

That's.

Will Forte (147:13)

That's the. That's the comfortable environment about this place. I love it.

Brian Bishop (147:16)

Brian's the only dissenter wearing a goddamn collared shirt.

Will Forte (147:19)

Yeah.

Gina Grad (147:20)

Brian is always clean and fresh, wearing sweatpants.

Adam Carolla (147:23)

So, Kaylin, you. Let's see, now. You. You date, right?

Kalin Bean (147:29)

I. Yeah, I guess so. I mean.

Adam Carolla (147:32)

Well, I mean, you're. You're. You've. I. You don't. Do you have anybody steady in your life right now?

Kalin Bean (147:38)

No, I don't.

Adam Carolla (147:39)

Right. How.

Will Forte (147:40)

Well, look at him, Adam, seriously. I know that's a question you ask me.

Adam Carolla (147:44)

No, what I'm saying is this guy.

Will Forte (147:46)

Look at him. He's got the young playing the field.

Brian Bishop (147:48)

The notion we should establish this first. How old are you?

Kalin Bean (147:51)

I'm 20.

Adam Carolla (147:52)

The notion of having the computer at this age, being able to date between Uber and the computer like, could there be anything better? And then everyone's sort of mentality about meeting and hooking up and stuff that's not really casual. There's nothing really. There's no stigma or anything attached to it anymore.

Kalin Bean (148:10)

I mean, I'm not really looking for a girlfriend.

Adam Carolla (148:12)

I wouldn't either.

Kalin Bean (148:13)

I don't really want one. So I don't really date a lot because I don't want a girlfriend.

Gina Grad (148:17)

But do you have like a stable of a couple that you pull out

Kalin Bean (148:19)

every once in while a. I got one good thing going on. I know, right?

Will Forte (148:23)

Good for you. Wow. Good for you. Right on the hip.

Adam Carolla (148:27)

Right on the hip, huh? And what when you Netflix with your

Will Forte (148:33)

girls, whoever you're with is tombstone or something that your dad's in.

Kalin Bean (148:38)

It's happened before.

Adam Carolla (148:38)

It has?

Will Forte (148:39)

Yeah.

Caller (148:40)

Smart.

Will Forte (148:40)

Yeah. That's a good one right there.

Adam Carolla (148:42)

Yeah. Do you all do.

Brian Bishop (148:46)

It's just one good thing.

Adam Carolla (148:48)

Oh, good thing. Yeah, yeah, I would.

Will Forte (148:53)

You like Tombstone?

Adam Carolla (148:55)

I would do the same thing. I drive by the McDonald's I used to work at in high school and go, yep, flipping the burgers right over there. Want to start sucking now or wait till we get back to the apartment?

Kalin Bean (149:07)

Yeah, well, most of the girls that I do take home or date don't really know my dad's movies. 80s action movies aren't normally in their wheelhouse. Not really the wheel house of.

Adam Carolla (149:16)

It's true. You're dating some 22 year old chick, she's gonna have no idea about the rock.

Will Forte (149:22)

And then Tombstone is just that movie. Tombstone is that movie.

Adam Carolla (149:27)

I know, but not for the chicks.

Gina Grad (149:29)

Not in their 20s.

Adam Carolla (149:31)

And by the way, here's the bad.

Brian Bishop (149:32)

It's a really good movie.

Adam Carolla (149:34)

Here's the deal. When you're a 22 year old chick and you're hot, you're at the height of your powers as a human being. I don't care if later on you go on to run, you know, IBM or Nabisco or anything. I don't care. You'll never have the kind of juice that you'll have. Nancy Pelosi doesn't have the juice of a hot 22 year old chick. So you're at the height of your. I mean, Carly Fiorina does not have. Oh, she may have $500 million in the bank, but she's also got 57 years in the bank. She's not at the height. When you're 22 and you work part time at a Starbucks, but you're a hot chick, you're at the height of your powers. No homework necessary. It's not like, oh, I'm dating this guy. I better go check out some of these movies so I can have something to talk about. I'll gladly look across at him and go, I don't know who that movie is. Fuck it, I'm hot. Hot chicks don't even have to make excuses as to why they don't like. We slide into a weird embarrassment how like dumpy dudes go, oh, yeah, sorry. No, I saw it. No, I forgot. Sorry. Stupid, stupid. I'll go there. Hot chicks is like, nah.

Brian Bishop (150:47)

Yeah, what of it?

Adam Carolla (150:48)

Don't know it. Never heard of it.

Brian Bishop (150:49)

Yep,

Kalin Bean (150:52)

I'm familiar with that.

Adam Carolla (150:53)

Yeah.

Kalin Bean (150:54)

In terms of my dad.

Adam Carolla (150:55)

Yeah. Yeah. So how do those. Do we meet people online these days?

Kalin Bean (151:01)

No, not really. I've tried it a couple times, but I've tried it a couple times online, Tinder, whatever those are, but they didn't last very long.

Adam Carolla (151:08)

So you're like, I'm going old school. I'm just gonna go home and fuck my robot. Keep it real. No, how does it. How do we. What do we do on a Saturday night?

Kalin Bean (151:22)

Unless there's some kind of work related event going on. Nothing. Staying home, probably.

Brian Bishop (151:27)

Video game guy.

Kalin Bean (151:29)

I used to be before I started working here. And that is slowly but surely kind

Adam Carolla (151:33)

of gone out window.

Kalin Bean (151:34)

Yeah, I don't really play anymore.

Adam Carolla (151:35)

When you were growing up, did your

Will Forte (151:37)

Hollywood dad friends have kids that you grew up with?

Kalin Bean (151:41)

No, my dad didn't have a lot of friends and the ones he did have didn't have kids.

Adam Carolla (151:44)

Ooh, he's a lone wolf. Well, yelling stand down. Every time you go to brunch with somebody, it's a good way to get them just to leave the restaurant yelling at the waiting staff, staying down. Crap.

Brian Bishop (151:54)

Ciopino looks good. Yeah.

Kalin Bean (151:58)

But I did go to a bit of like a celebrity kid school.

Adam Carolla (152:00)

You did?

Kalin Bean (152:01)

When I was there, I out with a couple celebrities.

Adam Carolla (152:03)

Kids going out to restaurants yelling, we've spilled the same marinara. And then yelling, what rhymes with marinara?

Brian Bishop (152:11)

You wouldn't want to think that out ahead of time.

Adam Carolla (152:13)

Well, no more Italian, that's for damn sure. We're going tie from now on.

Gina Grad (152:17)

I'm kind of curious what Kaylin's long term aspirations are. I can't really get a feel for that.

Will Forte (152:22)

Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out too.

Brian Bishop (152:24)

You want to run this?

Will Forte (152:25)

Are you just rebelling and get your dad? Like, just want to be dude dad.

Kalin Bean (152:31)

Yeah, well, my dad's always been like, really supportive. Whatever I wanted to do, he's right there. He's right there having me do it. But I pretty much couldn't really tell you because it's. I just like, I like routine job where I go to work, I do my work, and then I go home and I relax. And having that in kind of routine is good enough for me. Things I like a lot. I like working on sets.

Adam Carolla (152:53)

Cause I grew up in the house.

Will Forte (152:54)

Now when you say go home, is that your home or is it the guest house on your dad's property?

Kalin Bean (153:00)

It would be the two bedroom apartment in North Hollywood that I share with Gary.

Gina Grad (153:02)

That's so awesome.

Kalin Bean (153:03)

That's what that is.

Adam Carolla (153:05)

It makes me so happy. I'm gonna float a theory here. It could be a little upsetting, but I don't think so because it's got kind of a happy ending. I've always said, never been a better time to be poor in this country, right? Yeah. When I was 24, I was broke. I drove a piece of shit. I didn't have air conditioning and life was uncomfortable. There was a whole bunch of stuff that I wanted that you just weren't gonna get because you're poor. Including eating out at night or going to events or any form of travel other than taking a bus to Utah or something like it wasn't going to happen. But I floated this theory before, but Kaylan, tell me if some of this rings true. You don't have to have this crazy scratch and claw your way to the top because how big is the TV at your house?

Kalin Bean (153:57)

It's about 60 inches.

Adam Carolla (153:59)

Okay.

Will Forte (154:01)

That's not really struggling.

Adam Carolla (154:03)

Well, what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, is you're not a car guy, per se.

Kalin Bean (154:08)

No.

Adam Carolla (154:08)

Okay. You can get whatever you want out of your smartphone and the Internet and all that kind of stuff. Porn is free and it can be put on a 60 inch plasma. Do you, you guys seem to have. Go out to eat a lot. I mean, when you go out to lunch, you, you eat, you know, you know, you don't come in with a little Ziploc bag and some Fritos in it or something, right?

Gina Grad (154:31)

Tupperware of Cheerios, Goldfish.

Adam Carolla (154:33)

When there's.

Kalin Bean (154:33)

Yeah, I go shopping for my breakfast and dinner, which are normally the same things, but when there's lunch, it's. That's. I'll let myself. When there's a. Eggs and turkey burgers.

Adam Carolla (154:41)

When there's. When there's a concert or an event or something that's coming into town that you feel like you'd like to be A part of or see or be at or whatever. Do you, do you buy those tickets?

Kalin Bean (154:54)

No, not really. I mean, I just, you know, I don't really go out a lot.

Adam Carolla (154:58)

Like I said, what's the last event thing that you might call not a movie but last, like event you've been

Kalin Bean (155:04)

to, aside from just anything like Matt's wedding or a bar crawl. Mangrove.

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (155:09)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (155:10)

Where you went and just said, I'm going to go check this out, get some tickets.

Kalin Bean (155:14)

There might have been something before Coachella, like two years ago that was Coachella.

Adam Carolla (155:19)

But no more Coachella.

Kalin Bean (155:20)

No more Coachella.

Adam Carolla (155:21)

But no, not no more Coachella because you can't afford it.

Kalin Bean (155:24)

Pretty much, yeah.

Adam Carolla (155:26)

Did he answer my question?

Kalin Bean (155:27)

I'm not sure.

Adam Carolla (155:27)

Yeah, but so what I'm saying to Brian is, is do you notice what I'm talking about here? I got 6 inch plasma. I'm not a car guy and I got a. I got a smartphone.

Brian Bishop (155:36)

He has a low overhead and thus he can, he can just cruise on by and if he's something he wants, like I suppose a concert ticket or whatever that thing is, you know, it's probably not without.

Adam Carolla (155:45)

Right. So whether It's Southwest Airlines, StubHub, Uber, Uber or Panasonic, everyone has these sort of weird. You're going to be miserable over here, driving your piece of shit with no air conditioning and watching your 13 inch black and white Xena TV is gone.

Will Forte (156:03)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (156:04)

And now you can enjoy your life and work here.

Kalin Bean (156:08)

Yeah, no, that's. You're exactly right. I. I like in terms of aspirations again, I have like a two bedroom in North Hollywood, 60 inch plasma. I just got my very own dog. And I am kind of a loner, so I don't mind. I kind of like being alone. I like staying home and just watching tv.

Will Forte (156:22)

You got a really cool friend, Gary.

Adam Carolla (156:25)

How many live with me? What do you guys do for TVs? I mean. Sorry? For cable, satellite, Netflix, that kind of stuff.

Kalin Bean (156:33)

I just have like I got the basic channels on Time War plus hbo and. Because I was gonna cancel it, but you know they'll do whatever they can to make you stay. So I got a pretty good deal. They just gave me basic channels plus HBO, Internet for like 90 bucks and then just Netflix, Hulu, YouTube.

Adam Carolla (156:49)

All good reasons to never. To never move into the corner office. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Brian Bishop (156:55)

I don't pay Caleb for much of a sports fan, are you?

Kalin Bean (156:59)

I wasn't growing up. I watch a bit here and there. I watch football, I watch a bit of Basketball, I watch a bit of ice hockey. But I'm not really just about any team, any sport.

Brian Bishop (157:07)

My overall point was that the main reason, I think, to keep cable, at least for guys like you and me, is the live sporting. You can't get, you know, the live sports on a lot of, you know, streaming services. And so thus you must have cable. But if you're not a huge sports fan, I can see that the big reason to be a cord cutter, as they call him.

Adam Carolla (157:20)

Yeah, but he didn't. He just put a little pressure on him and he got his thing. My whole thing is whatever that crazy fire is that was under a lot of people back in the day. Through technology and through sort of just a mind shift, you can have a very comfortable, enjoyable life on Not a King's Ransom. Yeah, I hope I'm not paying you very much.

Kalin Bean (157:45)

It's good enough.

Gina Grad (157:46)

I also think that if he had a bunch of money, he still, he's a guy who really enjoys the simple life and I respect that. Like, you see, you kind of like to do your own thing.

Kalin Bean (157:56)

Let's be honest. When I grew up, I had a of lot, lot of money. My dad is really rich and we did have a lot of money. And then when the, you know, 2008 financial crisis happened, like my dad wasn't really immune to that. So it hit kind of my family too. I moved out on my own. I started working. My dad, you know, my parents split up and you know, I lived by myself in a studio in like Van Nuys. And I really wasn't unhappy. It didn't really seem like a downgrade because again, I had like a roof over my head. I had food, I had this big tv, living by myself, on my own, making my own money. And I realized, like, I'm just, I'm happy with that life. That's a pretty good life to me. Living here in North Hollywood.

Will Forte (158:31)

A lot of Tang after this. I want to hang out with them. This is.

Adam Carolla (158:38)

No, this is a turn right now.

Will Forte (158:40)

My dad was a multi millionaire, but I, you know, I just wanted the simple life with cotton T shirt and jeans.

Adam Carolla (158:48)

Well, no, the. You got it out of your system. Like you didn't grow up. Like, I feel like me and Joe especially and many others, but I'll just use me and Joe. Cause I don't feel like Gene and Brian had a little more of a middle class existence. But I grew up like scratching. Like I need some food. Like I need food. Like at the dump. I was a raccoon at the dumpster. Of life. That's how I grew up. And I still sort of have that clawing mentality. Like I was, hey, Mike Rowe. I was putting a goddamn deck on my house before I got here today. I asked Rob to show you a picture. Yo, you would have jizzed on it if you came out there today. So Mike Rowe being a sealer on your deck. But I was serious. I grew up feeling like never. I'm not. I'm gonna have a refrigerator and there's gonna be something in it. I declared.

Brian Bishop (159:38)

You said you're so tie.

Adam Carolla (159:39)

That's right. My parents were arguing with the manager at the Alpha Beta. No bottom rock Ramen. Nothing in the bottom ramen department. No. No middle Ramen. Because top ramen. No, no, no. When some. Are you out of the bottom ramen or does it not exist? I said never. Not for me.

Brian Bishop (159:59)

That's an inconvenience store.

Adam Carolla (160:01)

That's right. Not me. Not me. I had a family where I would getting wrestling matches with my grandmother over 35 year old Tupperware to take home goulash to my one bedroom apartment that my grandfather presented me with. And my grandma would be like, don't let him take the Tupperware. And I'd be like, I'm just going to my apartment, grandma. And she'd go, put it in a jar. Put it in one of those jars we save where it's weird and crusty and the lid's a little rusty. It smells like pickles and mayonnaise. Put it into that jar. And then it'd be like, he'll bring it back next time. He may get in a car accident. He may go to Medical Mexico to start a new life and sell our Tupperware. We don't know. We cannot be trusted with this 89 cent thing that is fogged over so much that you could not see a body part through it.

Will Forte (160:50)

But no, my mom's Tupperware was Cool

Gina Grad (160:52)

Whip, right in Country Crock or the butter cookie jars.

Will Forte (160:56)

And if she saw that in the garbage when we were done, oh, she'd lose her brain.

Adam Carolla (160:59)

Oh, my buddy.

Will Forte (161:00)

How can you throw that away, Joseph? That is where we store everything my

Adam Carolla (161:05)

buddy Ray's mom used. There was something called slime. It was a kid's toy that even when I was a kid, I was like, I'm sorry, I'm not entertained by this gelatinous gunk that falls out of this little pail.

Brian Bishop (161:15)

This little plastic trash can falls down.

Adam Carolla (161:18)

Hey, I'm just like weird, gooey, whatever. One of my Junior high had it. Oh. Ray's mom somehow came upon 30 of those empty trash cans and those became the drinking cups.

Gary (161:28)

Where?

Adam Carolla (161:29)

And it's like, what are we doing? Getting cancer out?

Brian Bishop (161:31)

No one's scrubbing you.

Adam Carolla (161:32)

Buy a glass, would you stick your head out of the closet? All right, anyway, enough about you. Enough about you. So good you got it out of your system.

Kalin Bean (161:40)

Yeah, pretty much.

Adam Carolla (161:42)

You can rip a bong load and go back to the shop, hit the sofa with fond alarm, take a nap.

Kalin Bean (161:48)

Yeah, I don't normally get high when I have to work because those are not good combos together.

Gina Grad (161:54)

Peanut gallery.

Adam Carolla (161:54)

Not normally.

Kalin Bean (161:56)

Not really.

Adam Carolla (161:56)

To be clear, I wasn't laughing because he does get high orc. I'm laughing because he had the audacity to just say that to his boss. Normally. Normally there is no boss anymore. That's what the other thing I've explained to Brian many times. There is no more boss.

Brian Bishop (162:11)

Out of, out of 280 working days in 2015, I barely got high.

Gina Grad (162:15)

For 75, I was sober more than I wasn't.

Adam Carolla (162:19)

All right, pretty great. K and bean. Yes.

Kalin Bean (162:24)

Okay, so I do smoke a lot of weed, but in terms of my weed smoking, I kind of equate it to your end of the day beer. You spend all day working, you work your ass off. You crack that beer at the end of the night, it's gonna be the best thing you taste all day rather than just stay home, lounge around. Same thing with me. I like to work without getting high because I can't work well when I'm high because I get like lethargic. I work all day, put in a day's work, go home, get high, watch tv.

Adam Carolla (162:48)

Alright, alright. Modality of marijuana ingestion.

Kalin Bean (162:52)

They were edibles for a while, but at the beginning of the that was getting a little heavy so I proned it way better.

Will Forte (162:57)

You should never do an edible anywhere but the safety of your own home.

Gina Grad (163:01)

Yeah, seriously, it's not a good wind down.

Adam Carolla (163:03)

All right, Gina, what do we got?

Gina Grad (163:05)

Well, this Facebook broadcast was brought to you by ultimate ears and the UE Boom 2 Bluetooth speaker win one by leaving a comment during this broadcast with the hashtag Corolla on Facebook.

Will Forte (163:16)

Gina, I will tell you this. My son has that Ultimate Ears and it is pretty. It's the best blue Bluetooth speaker.

Gina Grad (163:21)

All right.

Will Forte (163:22)

He's got the big one and it, it sounds the best out of all the Bluetooth speakers we bought.

Adam Carolla (163:25)

I would like to come. You know, when I come back in life, I want to come back as Jo Koy's son. This guy's buying two three thousand dollar tickets to Seattle football games and all. I mean, what a job. Oh, my God.

Brian Bishop (163:41)

2,000 miles away.

Adam Carolla (163:42)

Oh, my God.

Brian Bishop (163:44)

We're coming, right?

Adam Carolla (163:44)

I said $3,000. But we're. What was it?

Will Forte (163:47)

It was 20.

Adam Carolla (163:48)

$20,000 Super Bowl. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Will Forte (163:50)

20,000.

Adam Carolla (163:51)

That's what I'm saying. All right.

Brian Bishop (163:52)

The Warriors. Speaking of which.

Adam Carolla (163:54)

Oh, yeah. All right. Chamber that for one second. I got some Mike Rose here. We got the Warriors. Brian was at the game. Thanks, Kaylin. Brian was at the game. There's also another thing with the rams and the 49ers to get into.

Brian Bishop (164:10)

It might be off the air discussion, but I can mention it briefly if you'd like me to.

Adam Carolla (164:14)

Well, we got. Just chamber it for whenever. Yeah, plenty of stuff. I want to talk to Joe Coy.

Will Forte (164:21)

Oh, no. What'd I do now?

Adam Carolla (164:23)

Joe? The Koi Pond. Great podcast. New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday on itunes. Also, live shows everywhere. The Houston Improv. The Moore Theater in Seattle. Love that. Oh, we'll be at the Moore coming up this Saturday. And San Jose Improv hill. Go to joe j o k-o y.com and he'll be everywhere. Oh, Tim Bradley. Timothy Bradley. Yeah. The Desert Storm.

Will Forte (164:52)

Yes, sir.

Adam Carolla (164:53)

Boxer just fought Pacquiao.

Will Forte (164:55)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (164:56)

Gonna be on Thursday show.

Will Forte (164:59)

Yes, sir.

Adam Carolla (164:59)

Okay. Where was I? I want to ask you about this. Well, I'm just gonna force you to slip into a stereotypical Asian character.

Will Forte (165:07)

Hey, sir, I could do that right away.

Adam Carolla (165:10)

Not yet. No problem. You and I are gonna play. I'll play.

Will Forte (165:12)

The penis has shrunk down to.

Adam Carolla (165:14)

I'll play the part. I'm gonna play the part of my wife.

Will Forte (165:18)

Oh, okay.

Adam Carolla (165:18)

And then you're gonna have to play the part of my daughter's best friend's mom. Okay, but we'll get into that one second first.

Will Forte (165:25)

It is freezing cold in here, by the way. Still freezing.

Adam Carolla (165:29)

Oh, well, you can. Brian will turn down. We usually like it cool, right? Gina runs a little hot.

Gina Grad (165:34)

Yeah, I'm good.

Adam Carolla (165:35)

TrueCar, baby. Mmm. Pricing information, experience. All the things you need. TrueCar, they have certified dealers. Enjoy the faster process. Get the car you want, truecar.com and use the app. Figure out what everyone else paid, guarantee your price, lock in your price and get started. Over 2 million cars have been sold. Over 11,000 TrueCar certified dealers. Nation wine and newer use. So now, no excuse. True car. The average savings, $3,279. $3,279 off of MSRP. Newer use TrueCar.com Download the TrueCar app today. So I'm the. Well, you know, every look, everything I complain about comes to fruition. Right, Right. But which everyone understands, I think by now is a truth. But not when it comes to scholastic endeavors because I'm such a bad student. So look, if I'm talking about service dogs, well, maybe Ace is on to something. And if I'm talking about overusing Purell being bad for you. And by the way, all the articles that now come out that says we shower way too much, we shouldn't be stripping off the things that are on our skin, we're using too much soap and cleanser, blah, blah, blah. When I talk about that stuff, people kind of go, eh. And then turns out I was right. Million years ago I saw about crows and how smart crows were and how we should be using attack crows and dogs and how good dogs were and how they should be sniffing out cancer and venereal diseases in women at parties. Put them by the front door, Joe, when they start chasing the tail bitch back in the Denali. That's right.

Will Forte (167:13)

You're a genius.

Adam Carolla (167:15)

I've been saying this my entire adult life, but how cool would that be?

Will Forte (167:19)

Just a dog that sniffs STDs and. And just starts howling the minute he

Adam Carolla (167:23)

says, and here's the deal. At the club, all the chicks are club. At the club, they're all wearing she

Gina Grad (167:28)

sort of a stocking ticket inside.

Adam Carolla (167:29)

They're all wearing miniskirts. Oh my God, they're all wearing miniskirts.

Brian Bishop (167:32)

Micro minis.

Adam Carolla (167:33)

Medium sized dog just sitting on his hineies right there. All women love dogs and they don't take any offense to the dog sniffing out the snatch. Right? They go, right? That's what dogs do. They go, oh, look at him, look at him, look at him.

Will Forte (167:44)

That's my dog.

Adam Carolla (167:45)

Yes.

Will Forte (167:45)

Is your dog's name Chlamydia? Get out of here.

Gary (167:52)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (167:52)

Yes.

Brian Bishop (167:52)

How'd you know?

Adam Carolla (167:53)

No. And also when they do this thing where it's like, well, they can train dogs. They can take pot welded into a fender filled with coffee grounds, and the dog can smell the pot through the truck fender in the coffee, cocaine explosives, whatever it is. Backyard fruit couldn't smell an STD on a chick that's been around over to Kaylin's pad a couple too many times, right? Yeah.

Brian Bishop (168:20)

Okay, that's child's play.

Adam Carolla (168:21)

It's all things. And then we started getting into the academic world and I had kids and I said this Homework. It's no good.

Will Forte (168:30)

Impossible.

Adam Carolla (168:31)

It's impossible. It's one big fat argument.

Brian Bishop (168:34)

So who are you talking to at this point?

Adam Carolla (168:35)

My wife. Okay, okay. Now, people are tuning out because a, you may be talking about venereal sniffing dogs and attack crows and all the things you say that come to fruition, but this is homework.

Brian Bishop (168:47)

This is our arena.

Adam Carolla (168:49)

And you got a 1.7 GPA when you were let go. Merciful. Mercilessly. Mercifully. Mercifully. Can't even spell it or pronounce it. Out of high school, you were let go and you don't know anything about this. And I just said it's weird because they go here all day, especially boys. They sit. It's tough enough to just get them to sit there and do their shit. And now they come home and it's time to add a deck on with dad. It's time to go into the kitchen with mom and learn how to cook. It's time to throw the football around. It's time to take the dog for a walk. It's time to experience life, not sit and crack more books and get into more arguments about what this stuff is.

Will Forte (169:31)

I have a tutor.

Adam Carolla (169:32)

I had this thing. Oh, I throw money at everything. But I had this thing where I got called into the room. I had Olga, the Guatemalan nan. I had my son sitting there at Mike. And by the way, this shit is spread out all over the house. You don't realize the backpack is a steamer trunk of stuff. It's the wife combing through it. Where. Where's the notes? Where's the stuff? This is from two weeks. Like, it's entire. The house is filled. It looks like an accountant's office during tax season. There's arguments. So I get called into the office. Office. It's my nanny. What is this word? Because English, not her first language. It's like casta. Yeah, it's S, P, H. It's handwritten. He got it off one of his friends. This is like the. These are the homework words they have to memorize and spell. It's a long. It's a shopping list. It's like, look, you've just been at school all day. Now here's a shopping list. List of shit to do when you get home so your parents will get divorced. That's basically what it is. And I'm sitting there and I'm looking at this list that was, like, copied. Someone took a picture of it. The camera or something like, S, P, H, Y. Like, I don't now Olga's Online, trying to figure out. And I'm looking at it, and I said pseudonym, and she's like, pseudonymous.

Caller (170:59)

What.

Adam Carolla (170:59)

What means that? And I said pseudonym. It's like a. Like a name. Like a fake name. Not your.

Brian Bishop (171:05)

Like a nom de plume.

Adam Carolla (171:06)

Not your real name. Like, not like his ploob. Not your real name. You know, like. Like a name you would. Like a writer would use a pseudonym. Like, like. Okay, Mark Twain. Mark Twain's not his real name. Who is Mark Twain?

Gina Grad (171:20)

Mark Twain.

Adam Carolla (171:20)

Hold on, you don't know Mark Twain? No. You should know. I think you should know. Mark Twain is. No, I don't know who Mark Twain is. Now, another argument. Separate side. I like to take my arguments and write them off, parcel them off in the small night, get to have a small side argument.

Brian Bishop (171:34)

Like a side pod.

Kalin Bean (171:34)

Poker.

Adam Carolla (171:35)

Listen, I'm dumb, but I know who Mark Twain. And I know. I know it's shooting him. Yeah. Mark Twine and Samuel Clemens. Right. And all that. And so we're having this another side thing. And then I realized, what the fuck are we doing? And then I get this article and people. All right, Gary, do you have the article?

Director/Producer Dan Schechter (171:53)

I do.

Adam Carolla (171:54)

Okay, you do realize that between the homework and then the stupid projects, the goddamn project. Your home is destroyed. It is a non stop, never ending cyclical argument bigger than the galaxy of did you do? Where's your words? Did you get your words? Hold on. Give me that. When is your work? When are your words? Do. Is it. Hold on. When is this? Sonny, when did you get this?

Will Forte (172:24)

Tomorrow.

Adam Carolla (172:25)

You know it's not tomorrow. When is this? Do all. When is this due? Hold on. You gotta write a report. The report is due first tomorrow in the fourth grade. Do you really need to know about a pseudonym? Is that you're asking? That's one of your spelling words, a pseudonym.

Gina Grad (172:43)

They shouldn't be creating aliases.

Adam Carolla (172:45)

Yeah, in case he wants to start an ISIS sleeper cell, he'll know the proper nomenclature when it comes to discussions about the starting. I just like. Can they just go to school and then come home and then do whatever the fuck they do at home?

Will Forte (173:01)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (173:02)

Can we just do that? Because that is a much bigger part of their life and you're causing a lot of friction. Yeah, between mom, dad, the kids. Lynette. It's a never ending. Her following them around the house and an argument. Well, if it was due. Hold on. I got a piece of paper here that says this was due on the 14th. What is it today?

Will Forte (173:25)

It's the 21st.

Adam Carolla (173:26)

Oh, Sonny, come On it was in the backpack. Well, the backpack. To be fair, the 911 report is a little thinner than what's in his goddamn backpack. Can we just knock it off?

Will Forte (173:40)

I don't. I'm going to take it one step further, please. Not only that, then when the, the homework's not getting done, they have to have a mandatory parent teacher meeting and they keep calling me. The mom is the easiest one to go. I'm on the road a lot. Well, when is Mr. Coy going to be home? Because we need both of you there. It's very important. No, it's not. It's not that important. It's not that important.

Adam Carolla (174:04)

How do we all make it without.

Will Forte (174:05)

Just tell my son to do his homework. We don't need to come in and sit on the little chairs and talk about my son.

Adam Carolla (174:13)

You know what I think I'm going to do?

Brian Bishop (174:14)

He's up in your chin.

Gary (174:14)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (174:15)

So I, I, so this.

Will Forte (174:16)

So here are turkeys all over the place. It's not a real. Here comes the paste.

Adam Carolla (174:22)

Here comes the article. Go ahead, Gary. This comes from Time. Parents put up with these nightly battles because they want what's best for their kids. But surprise, the opposite is more likely to be true. A comprehensive review of 180 research studies by Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Harris Cooper shows homework's benefits are highly age dependent. How cool is it, by the way, that John Wayne had his own college?

Brian Bishop (174:45)

That's pretty amazing.

Adam Carolla (174:46)

That seems pretty bitching right there. So you know that those dudes know what they're talking about. Keep going. High schoolers benefit if the work is under two hours a night. Middle schoolers receive a tiny academic boost. And elementary age kids. It's better to wait. If you examine who knew. Who could have possibly known this? Who could have possibly foreseen this? Who could have possibly had. Who could have had. Who could have known this? And say, who could have possibly known this?

Brian Bishop (175:13)

John Wynn was a pseudonym.

Adam Carolla (175:14)

Oh, that's true. Mary Morton. Yeah, that's right. If you examine the research, not one study, but the full sweep of homework research, it's clear that homework does have an impact, but it's not always a good one. Homework given too young increases negative attitudes towards school. And that's bad news, especially for a kindergartner facing 12 more years of assignments. All right, so I just. My wife's been telling me to shut up, but now I got on a

Will Forte (175:39)

piece of paper by certified people.

Adam Carolla (175:42)

By certified.

Will Forte (175:43)

This is a real piece of paper.

Adam Carolla (175:45)

My ideas are usually swept Swept away.

Will Forte (175:49)

But this article can literally tell your wife to shut up. That's how powerful this power is.

Adam Carolla (175:56)

I said, now look, we are harming these kids and certainly harming our. My life is 72% more miserable because of this. And the house is a mess because it's filled with papers and junk everywhere. Can we present this to the principal at the elementary school and go, look, the researchers have spoken and we should reel it way back and then eliminate this because we're doing harm to the kids. This is an unintended consequence and so says the research.

Brian Bishop (176:32)

That's a realistic idea proposition.

Adam Carolla (176:35)

She says, we can't present it. And I said, why not? And she said, she said, our kids are dumb. It's gonna look like.

Brian Bishop (176:45)

Did she say that?

Adam Carolla (176:46)

Well, she didn't say dumb.

Will Forte (176:49)

She didn't say that.

Adam Carolla (176:49)

No, she didn't say dumb. She didn't say dumb. But this is one of those things where I'm guessing when the guy who invented the Ziegfeld Follies when he was in grade school, and they'd go, we're gonna release everyone in PE in alphabetical order. And he was like, why don't we do reverse alphabetical? Why don't we flip the script every once in a while? That's what's right here. There's an agenda.

Brian Bishop (177:13)

I got you.

Adam Carolla (177:13)

There's an agenda.

Brian Bishop (177:14)

If the honor of students parents brought it to the principal, it'd carry more.

Adam Carolla (177:19)

Right. So we're the Corollas. My kid stabbed himself with a pencil the other day by mistake when he was trying to.

Will Forte (177:28)

My son ran into a wall doing hardcore parkour.

Adam Carolla (177:32)

Right. So this is going to seem like this is agenda because we're kind of the up family of the group. You see what I'm saying?

Will Forte (177:39)

Hey, the koi. Yeah, that's the name of this sitcom.

Adam Carolla (177:42)

So when you. When we present it, it's gonna seem like, oh, well, of course you dumb bugs don't want to do homework because.

Brian Bishop (177:50)

We get it, okay?

Adam Carolla (177:51)

We get it. We get it.

Brian Bishop (177:53)

She left her dunce gap in the car, Right?

Adam Carolla (177:55)

Right. So she said, we can't bring this in because it's going to seem like,

Will Forte (177:59)

you know, that we're copying out.

Adam Carolla (178:02)

Right. Which we are, don't get me wrong. But. But we have statistics on our side, right? I mean, don't get me wrong, this. Even if it were bad for the kids, I would still want this to end. But it turns out it's good for the kids. But of course, the agenda, Right, Right. So I said, okay, we gotta find A smart family around here and Natalia's best friend.

Brian Bishop (178:27)

You know any smart kids?

Adam Carolla (178:27)

Tell you dad's an engineer, Mom's Asian, met at ucla.

Brian Bishop (178:32)

That's their qualifications. Dad's an engineer, Mom's Asian.

Will Forte (178:35)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (178:35)

Met at ucla.

Will Forte (178:37)

Oh, they met at ucla.

Adam Carolla (178:38)

Met at ucla.

Brian Bishop (178:40)

That's your face.

Adam Carolla (178:41)

He was getting his engineering degree.

Will Forte (178:43)

Oh, my God.

Adam Carolla (178:43)

So I said, all right.

Will Forte (178:44)

They actually have computers inside their kids.

Adam Carolla (178:47)

Brains. Yes. I said, face of the campaign right there. We gotta hand this off to Cammie's mom. And she's got to present it because she walks in first off, she's Asian.

Brian Bishop (178:56)

You'll hear her coming.

Will Forte (178:57)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (178:57)

She slide right in like a ninja. She dropped down from the ceiling. Dropped down from the ceiling.

Will Forte (179:03)

I said,

Adam Carolla (179:06)

she'll present it. And all of a sudden, I mean, what is the world's greatest mom who's presenting me with? And this will put the brakes on this homework immediately. My wife said, cammie's mom's doing an hour with him every day before school and after school on the homework. I. Tiger Mom. She's not down.

Gina Grad (179:25)

Yeah. With the message.

Adam Carolla (179:26)

She's not down with the message.

Brian Bishop (179:28)

Oh, she's okay. She's volunteering.

Gina Grad (179:30)

She's adding on.

Will Forte (179:30)

Yeah. This paper is incorrect.

Adam Carolla (179:33)

I'm sorry. Cammy's mom.

Will Forte (179:35)

What college did this article come from?

Adam Carolla (179:37)

Duke University.

Will Forte (179:39)

You mean John Wayne?

Adam Carolla (179:41)

No, no, no, no.

Will Forte (179:42)

It's a synonym.

Adam Carolla (179:43)

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

Will Forte (179:45)

Me neither. It's really tasty.

Adam Carolla (179:47)

It's a little advanced. Cinnamon. Yeah. So we are struggling with homework.

Will Forte (179:53)

Ah, of course you are.

Adam Carolla (179:54)

Yeah. I don't know why you say it. Of course. Huh.

Will Forte (179:57)

It's just I kind of knew that just looking at Corolla.

Adam Carolla (180:00)

Yeah. We're not so good, you know, I'm a comedian.

Will Forte (180:03)

I know.

Adam Carolla (180:03)

Yeah. My wife, sort of regular gal, you know?

Will Forte (180:08)

I understand. She's always drunk that year.

Adam Carolla (180:10)

Yeah. We're not college. You know, we didn't. We didn't meet Mr. Carrera.

Will Forte (180:14)

You don't have to say anymore. We already know.

Adam Carolla (180:17)

Yeah. We would have met at college if we both snuck into the same frat part. Of course. But that's the only way we would have met in college. Yeah.

Will Forte (180:25)

So for a second, I just need to tell my kids to do something.

Adam Carolla (180:28)

Okay.

Will Forte (180:29)

If you don't mind doing that. Get the calculator as soon as possible. Then I cook. Okay. Go ahead.

Adam Carolla (180:34)

Yeah.

Will Forte (180:35)

So tell them to get calculated.

Adam Carolla (180:37)

Right, Right.

Will Forte (180:38)

Anyway, geometry in the fourth grade.

Adam Carolla (180:40)

Yeah. See for us.

Will Forte (180:41)

What is your kid doing in the fourth grade?

Adam Carolla (180:44)

In the Fourth grade.

Will Forte (180:45)

Yeah. What. What type of assignment? What type of work? What hardest subject?

Adam Carolla (180:50)

Sonny's memorized the entire starting roster of every team that made the Final Four at the college level. And he's also.

Will Forte (180:59)

That will get him very far in life.

Adam Carolla (181:01)

Good for him. He's put together a power order of best forwards in NBA history as well.

Will Forte (181:07)

Impressive.

Adam Carolla (181:08)

Yeah. Yeah.

Will Forte (181:10)

One second. Okay.

Adam Carolla (181:14)

Yeah.

Will Forte (181:14)

I just told my daughter to do something in a different dialect.

Adam Carolla (181:17)

Yeah.

Will Forte (181:18)

Oh, sorry. Yeah. That's not even our.

Adam Carolla (181:19)

I didn't know you guys said more.

Will Forte (181:20)

That was Chinese. We're Korean.

Adam Carolla (181:22)

Oh. I guess it's. Yeah, we have, like, Brooklyn and Oklahoma, I guess. Yeah. Hey, go ahead. Yeah. You met your engineer husband?

Will Forte (181:31)

Oh, yes.

Adam Carolla (181:32)

At ucla.

Will Forte (181:32)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (181:33)

Yeah. So, you know. You smart man. Yeah, Absolutely smart. Certainly smart man. So I read this study online. It was tweeted to me.

Daniel Schechter (181:43)

Oh.

Adam Carolla (181:44)

And. Yeah.

Will Forte (181:45)

Twitter.

Adam Carolla (181:46)

Twitter.

Will Forte (181:46)

Twitter. Okay.

Adam Carolla (181:47)

Twitter. Yeah. And so if you could just.

Will Forte (181:49)

All of your news articles on Twitter.

Adam Carolla (181:51)

I stay in touch with the people. I'm a professional comedian, you know? I mean, my husband is. I'm a woman who loves him very much. Yeah. Obviously. If you could take this article.

Will Forte (182:02)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (182:02)

And just sort of walk it into the principle there. For what reason, pardon the pun, with the log. And then just go ahead and just kind of spread it out there and just show the principal. Mr. Or Mrs. We've not met. My kids have only been there four years, so I don't. But to whom it may concern.

Will Forte (182:21)

Oh, okay.

Adam Carolla (182:22)

Okay, good.

Will Forte (182:23)

Very smart lady.

Adam Carolla (182:24)

Yeah. Show. Go ahead and explain to her.

Will Forte (182:27)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (182:28)

How homework is a bad thing.

Will Forte (182:30)

Why would I do that?

Adam Carolla (182:31)

And because it's this article.

Will Forte (182:32)

My kids never have enough homework.

Adam Carolla (182:34)

This kid.

Will Forte (182:34)

Even when we're not at home, they still work.

Adam Carolla (182:37)

There's an article. Yeah, no, I do, but my kids.

Will Forte (182:41)

One second, one second. I'm so sorry. Okay. Sorry. That was for my newborn.

Adam Carolla (182:49)

Yeah.

Will Forte (182:50)

Yeah. He's eight months old.

Gina Grad (182:52)

Calculator doesn't translate.

Adam Carolla (182:53)

We do this thing where me and my son.

Will Forte (182:57)

In our language, there is no calculator.

Adam Carolla (183:00)

Well, we do some math.

Will Forte (183:01)

Who is this girl? That is.

Adam Carolla (183:03)

I got a black lab. You know, I got a Labrador.

Will Forte (183:06)

Oh, very.

Adam Carolla (183:07)

I got a Labrador.

Will Forte (183:08)

Very tasty.

Adam Carolla (183:08)

And so I got a. I got a. I got a digital scale. This is a pet. And I'll pick up Philly cheesesteaks.

Will Forte (183:14)

And then you stand on it.

Adam Carolla (183:15)

I stand on the scale. You get off, and then I get off. I put him down, and then you put. And then I get on the scale. And then for the next three or four days, we figure out down to, you know, minus or plus 1112 pounds, give or take 10 pounds.

Will Forte (183:31)

So you can still figure it out. Out.

Adam Carolla (183:33)

Just that moment we figured out, we. We get out. We get out the scratch pads, and we break off in discussion groups, you know, and over the course of the weekend, we'll figure out, give or take again, 10 pounds, plus or minus what Philly weighs. And that's the kind of stuff we enjoy doing.

Will Forte (183:50)

Rounding you like.

Adam Carolla (183:52)

Well, that's a math. I think that's. I think that's a math. I think we could call that. We could call that a math equation

Will Forte (183:59)

is what they call it.

Adam Carolla (183:59)

Yeah. And then, you know what'll happen? Well, we just call it math. And then what happened is a couple weeks later, lo and behold, Philly put on a couple more pounds. Right back to the scale. Yeah. You know, and then we break off and we'll do it on a Friday if it's a long weekend, but if it's not a long weekend, we'll do it Thursday night. So we have a little padding in there. And then we meet Sunday, we meet in the living room. After, I'll be watching, like, Point break for the 25th time, drinking an IPA, and then we'll all sit there with our cocktails and we'll give our numbers. You know, I'll give the number that we got on film. Again, plus or minus about 10 points. But. So that's what we do. So what you call homework. Well, it's a. It's something that we bond over. And, yes, I think it hones valuable math skills. And so anyway, back to the article, please. Yes, the article.

Kalin Bean (184:51)

Article.

Adam Carolla (184:52)

Twitter? Well, no, but it's an article that was tweeted to me, but it's from Time.

Will Forte (184:56)

From Time in Duke University. So you are following Time?

Adam Carolla (185:00)

Well, it's a real magazine. No, we don't read Time Duke. We read. Okay, magazine.

Will Forte (185:06)

So it's from Duke University.

Adam Carolla (185:09)

Yes, yes. So they. They've had this stuff called data, and they've crunched it and they figured out that homework at the grade school level. And. I know you're kidding. Kids are both geniuses, right? And so technically, they're doing the work as a high school senior while they're in the fourth grade. So it might not apply to them, to be honest with you, but my kids are maybe a grade behind, so it really applies to them.

Will Forte (185:35)

Several grade behind.

Adam Carolla (185:36)

Okay, well, I didn't want to make

Will Forte (185:38)

fun of your kids all the time.

Adam Carolla (185:39)

Okay, that's not one time.

Will Forte (185:41)

Your son lick a window it's so funny.

Adam Carolla (185:44)

During winter.

Will Forte (185:45)

He thought it was ice.

Adam Carolla (185:46)

Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Will Forte (185:47)

He's a cute kid. I like that kid.

Adam Carolla (185:49)

Yeah. You sure there wasn't a jelly bean stuck to it? Because he has.

Will Forte (185:51)

No, it was definitely just a window.

Adam Carolla (185:53)

Okay.

Will Forte (185:54)

He said, look at window in his eyes.

Adam Carolla (185:56)

Let's get them out of the equation. I know your kids are doing trigonometry now at a. At a high school level, but if you could just bring this article in to Mr. Miss. Ms. Dickinson. Ms. Dickinson.

Will Forte (186:12)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (186:12)

Right. If you could.

Will Forte (186:13)

Very nice lady.

Adam Carolla (186:14)

I have not had the pleasure.

Will Forte (186:16)

Went to ucla.

Adam Carolla (186:17)

Okay.

Will Forte (186:17)

Well, good.

Adam Carolla (186:18)

That's a college.

Will Forte (186:19)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (186:19)

Yeah. See, I wanted to stay local. I didn't go to ucla.

Will Forte (186:25)

Have you ever thought about putting your kids into a circus?

Adam Carolla (186:31)

The show that would travel around.

Will Forte (186:32)

Travel around and dancing with monkey lick window laughter.

Adam Carolla (186:40)

Yeah, No, I don't mind. I don't. This is. You know, we're kind of going down a trail here that probably. I didn't want to get off. I didn't want to veer off course. What I'd like you to do is to bring this article into Mr. Dickinson's office.

Will Forte (186:53)

Ms. Dickinson?

Adam Carolla (186:54)

Ms. Dickinson's office.

Will Forte (186:55)

You don't really pay attention, do you?

Adam Carolla (186:57)

I'm kind of a multitasker.

Will Forte (187:00)

This is really, really neat to see. Do you lick window as well?

Adam Carolla (187:04)

I'm a multitask, by the way.

Will Forte (187:07)

By the way, your roof on your house is incredible.

Adam Carolla (187:10)

Thank you. To underscore this, Lynette was doing dishes, and I was sitting at the computer four feet away. And I said, corn of the article. It doesn't benefit. It benefits. Corn of the article benefits high schoolers. Has sort of break even in junior high and actually doesn't do any good and actually hurts the grade schoolers. And she looked up and said, how's that going again? And I said, this is exactly the reason why we gotta. We gotta get this thing out of here. We're gonna screw these kids up. So, Cammy. Cammie's mom, if you could just. Go ahead, just walk this sick.

Will Forte (187:51)

My son just woke up or something.

Adam Carolla (187:53)

I make a rocket.

Will Forte (187:57)

Let's go fly to moon mama. Oh, so good. He. He just knew.

Adam Carolla (188:03)

Oh, he's newborn. He already made a rocket.

Will Forte (188:05)

Nine months old to make a rocket.

Adam Carolla (188:08)

Speak fluent English again. You guys are doing trigonometry at the advanced high school level, so maybe this doesn't apply to your kids, but my kids, this would definitely hurt, and I'd help. And I say all the other kids at the school, as well, this would be beneficial, but again, if I bring it in to Mr. Mrs. Dickinson's office, it's not gonna know.

Will Forte (188:30)

Ms. Dickinson have very big concern for you as well.

Adam Carolla (188:32)

Okay, so we talk all the time

Will Forte (188:34)

at the parent teacher meeting that you never come to.

Adam Carolla (188:37)

What she call us?

Will Forte (188:39)

Parent teacher meeting. You guys never go. You and Lynette. Never there. Never there.

Adam Carolla (188:44)

They have those meetings.

Will Forte (188:46)

Yes, every Thursday. We talk about the kids and the future. So we always talk about. To start that they break the ice. We always talk about Sandy licking the window so much.

Adam Carolla (188:54)

When you're done doing.

Brian Bishop (188:55)

When you're done.

Adam Carolla (188:56)

When you're done doing the 10k before school every morning.

Will Forte (188:59)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (188:59)

If you could just go ahead and walk this into. It's Ms. Dickinson's office and just kind

Will Forte (189:05)

of to benefit us at all.

Adam Carolla (189:07)

Yeah, but think about all the kids. You like statistics, do you not? All right. Statistically, this is going to be good.

Will Forte (189:14)

For who, though? If you really think about it.

Adam Carolla (189:16)

Yeah.

Will Forte (189:17)

For who? Yeah, not your kids, but maybe for you and Lynette. Am I right?

Adam Carolla (189:23)

And scene. So what we need to find. We need to. Well, we need to find a fair to middle in the smart department friend of the kids to walk this into the office.

Brian Bishop (189:35)

That is, so to speak, their assignment to find.

Adam Carolla (189:40)

I got some important homework. I got the best homework assignment you'll ever have in your life. Kids, I need to get this. Now, seriously, what do I do? If I go in, it'll be like, who are you? And I'm like, I'm the dad. What are you doing in my office?

Brian Bishop (189:53)

I know this is the first time we've met, but I have some radical thoughts on your curriculum.

Gina Grad (189:57)

I hope this doesn't come across as a threat, but maybe do it anonymously. Little envelope under the door.

Will Forte (190:04)

Sure that's a good idea?

Brian Bishop (190:05)

Sure. You guys have to have a headliner at your next fundraiser.

Adam Carolla (190:09)

Yeah, you know how that conversation's gonna start, Honey, where's the school?

Will Forte (190:13)

How about sneak in the night before, blow it up in poster form.

Gina Grad (190:15)

Oh, I like that.

Adam Carolla (190:16)

And let the kids read.

Gina Grad (190:17)

It's aggressive.

Adam Carolla (190:18)

Well, here's the thing I said to my wife, I said, you know, honestly, the problem with this is this school's so good that many of the parents would protest if you said no homework. Even if these are the scholars that should be studying the data that Duke University spat out that said no homework,

Gina Grad (190:36)

but it's just not how it's done.

Will Forte (190:38)

Don't you think it's lazy, though? Is that what it is? Don't you think it's lazy on the teacher staff. They can teach and have these kids do their work in class.

Adam Carolla (190:47)

Well, not only to come home. The laziest thing is it's the lazy.

Will Forte (190:51)

Tell them to go home with them.

Adam Carolla (190:52)

The goddamn projects. Just carve out an hour every day and work on your project. Don't turn my living room into a fucking arts and crafts store. And then nothing but arguments. All right. Five four Club. Simple, affordable way to expand your wardrobe. Clothes shipped right to your door. Just 60 bucks a month and only ways to be a member. So if you want to get the really good stuff, and we got the really good stuff over here. My new onstage jeans from the five club. Free delivery and free size exchanges. Go to five four club. It's good stuff. And then it goes away. One of my kids spelling words. Sonny Bespoke. Oh, no, I just made that up. Synonym. I mean, see how dumb I am? Why do we need both anyway? Go to five four. Go to five four club. Five special. Spell it out. Five. Spell it out. FY I don't even know what it is. F I v e. 5, 4. F o. No r. No. F o u r54club.com promo code. Adam, save up to 50%. So almost 25% off. 50% off. So 3/4 off. 50% off off first month's package. That's 54 Club promo code. A, D, E, M. Wait a second.

Gina Grad (192:18)

I think you've spelled your name wrong.

Adam Carolla (192:20)

It's right. Oh, yes. A D, a M. There it is. For your 50% off your first month.

Will Forte (192:26)

Adam, when she asked you what a pseudonym was, did you really know or did you have to look it up?

Adam Carolla (192:32)

I did. I have weird holes and then weird little things that I know. And I'm also good enough that. That I was. She's not from here, but she's been here for a long time. I figured Mark Twain would be just

Brian Bishop (192:44)

a cultural thing or in pop culture like the face and the famous.

Adam Carolla (192:48)

Yeah, that's why I had to be a little bit douchey when I had to get in. But she knew the story. She didn't know it was Mark Twain.

Will Forte (192:55)

I just want to thank you because you taught me what a pseudonym was.

Adam Carolla (192:57)

So thank you.

Will Forte (192:58)

You're my teacher.

Adam Carolla (193:00)

There's no reason to have. First off, my son doesn't, at age 9, need to know what a pseudonym is. Also, he doesn't need to know how to spell pseudonym. And also, and more importantly, me and the nanny and my son don't need to have a big powwow confab around my desk and burn 20 minutes of our life that we'll never see again when it's spelled insanely by another one of his nine year old friends. We all have to just sort of study it and then try to Google it and figure out what did he mean? Right. That's where we're at now. That's 11 minutes of my life I will never get back again. But if you'd simply keep it to the classroom because it's doing more harm than good statistically, then we would not have to go through the dance of the tards. So much of life.

Gina Grad (193:47)

This should be the principal speech, by the way.

Adam Carolla (193:49)

So much of life is just. It's just dance of the tards. Like, I don't. There are two giant pieces of cardboard with projects, projects that learn nothing that involved nothing that wasted nothing that'll somehow they'll get put aside and then at some point someone will spill a soda on them and then eventually they'll get thrown out or Philly cheesesteak will chew through them. It's just a massive waste of time in a life when there's so much to experience, so much to do. So it's like when I look at it, life now, it's like, oh, my God, I gotta get this all in in 76 years. Like, there's so much travel, there's some who's been to New Zealand, who.

Will Forte (194:30)

What?

Adam Carolla (194:30)

Who. Who knows about this and who knows about. There's so much going on. What are we doing?

Caller (194:36)

Yeah.

Gina Grad (194:36)

Chained to your desk.

Brian Bishop (194:37)

You're burrowing in a very small part of life.

Adam Carolla (194:39)

Yes. All right, I gotta go.

Brian Bishop (194:40)

I gotta call Christie and see if it's too late.

Adam Carolla (194:43)

Joe Koy, everybody. The koi pond and just go to jo koy.com find out where joy. God damn it, Call him, Joey. Every time. Time you say

Brian Bishop (194:55)

hitter in the ninth inning.

Adam Carolla (194:56)

Micro in studio. Next. Love you.

Podcast Host (195:02)

All right, those Adam K Show 1803. Coming up next, we have Adam Cur Show 2234 featuring Rob Schneider, Joe Coy, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2018 against the first half with no Rob, just Joe Koe in studio. It's hilarious to hear Adam and Joy in their prime. Hope you guys enjoy. I'm going to say Joy again.

Adam Carolla (195:22)

Good day, Gina Graham, good day to you. And bald Brian. You're an idiot. Joe Koi in studio.

Brian Bishop (195:31)

Hello, Adam.

Adam Carolla (195:32)

Got his fantastic Netflix special, Joe Coy live from Seattle. Also a day named after him in Hawaii for all the sold out shows and commerce and Toyotas he sold there. Tacomas.

Will Forte (195:44)

All the Tacomas.

Adam Carolla (195:45)

All the Tacomas. Yep. It's dealing with days.

Brian Bishop (195:48)

So if you look at the bottom there, the little bottom of his. Joe's bio, there's a new note. Beat out Mariah Carey for biggest selling artist in live Hawaii history.

Adam Carolla (195:57)

You had me just beat out Mariah Carey. I don't need to know any of the context. I don't. Doesn't matter if it's. I don't care what it's for. Could have been a domestic issue. It doesn't matter to me as long as she's beat out biggest heels. Yep. Joe Coy in studio. And of course, thank you, Adam, for everything. The koi pond as well. Rob Schneider coming in in a couple of few. So thoughts. There's Golden Globe thoughts there. Many thoughts. I had this thing. I like to study language. I find that you're well known for studying language. Language makes a difference. There are two things you can study. You can study language and you can study commercials. They'll tell you exactly where we're at at right now.

Gina Grad (196:46)

And Adam studies both.

Adam Carolla (196:47)

Oh yeah, I studied.

Brian Bishop (196:49)

So imagine outlearned it here.

Will Forte (196:50)

I study commercial language is what they call that.

Adam Carolla (196:53)

I study both. One thing you'll see an incredible amount of now when you see commercials. It's interesting how commercials never quite get the. They never get the mixture right. There are, for instance, there's now a new Southwest commercial like wanna get away way. There are three white guys robbing a bank. There's no such thing as three white males in a commercial unless they're robbing a bank. If it's a medication for Ed or if it's for anything else, they have the one black guy, very multiple and one Asian guy or whatever. Like they'll mix it up.

Brian Bishop (197:30)

There's a night drinking. They got the whole.

Adam Carolla (197:32)

No, there's no such thing as just three white dudes in a commercial. Unless there's. Unless they're committing a crime. Lesser committing a crime. So they have to have weird they're ratios screwed up. Tons of gay and interracial couples now too much more than in society. I don't know in terms of interracial couples, in our society it's probably 4%, but in TV it's up to 37%.

Brian Bishop (197:57)

Now that's gotta be a way around the whole thing where it's like, oh, we need one of these, one of these and one of these for our, you know, Viagra commercial or whatever. Oh yeah. What if we have one which no one knows what it is. And now we now recover the all ethnic ambiguity.

Adam Carolla (198:09)

It's also.

Brian Bishop (198:11)

It also.

Adam Carolla (198:13)

It's also kind of a unintended consequences thing because commercial actors want to work and black commercial actors want to work. And I'm sure black commercial actors would be fine being in a southwest want to get away commercial. But this one has to do with a felony. Right. So you cannot audition for this. You. You stay home. Yeah, that's right. So I noticed as I watch, and then I also listened to language and I started in with the people saying, I feel versus I think. I think if you think something, you can think wrong. If you feel you can never be wrong. How could you be wrong by how you felt?

Gina Grad (198:56)

The bases are covered.

Brian Bishop (198:57)

Thinking implies that you've thought about it and you've arrived at this conclusion like, I think this is the thing. Whereas I feel that's your gut reaction,

Adam Carolla (199:04)

that's your instincts, and it cannot be taken away from you. You get to own that. And I've noticed this coming up. And then I started realizing this. Now there's a very slippery slope here. It is combining I feel with my truth.

Brian Bishop (199:23)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (199:23)

Not the truth. Not the truth. My truth.

Gina Grad (199:26)

Stepping into your truth.

Adam Carolla (199:27)

You feed and you have your truth. And now we're living in a land that does not need judges or lawyers or courts. That's just what happens.

Brian Bishop (199:37)

Gravity or any kind of laws.

Adam Carolla (199:38)

Yes. At that point, you can pick out people who passed away before you were born and say you were sexually assaulted by them. And if that's your truth and that's what you feel, then you can sue.

Gina Grad (199:50)

Their estate shall not be debated.

Adam Carolla (199:52)

Right.

Will Forte (199:52)

He can't debate that.

Adam Carolla (199:54)

That. How can you debate your truth?

Brian Bishop (199:56)

Yeah, it's undebatable.

Will Forte (199:57)

It's the truth.

Adam Carolla (199:58)

Yes.

Gina Grad (199:58)

Your truth.

Adam Carolla (199:59)

I have a super wide. That's how I feel. That's my truth.

Brian Bishop (200:02)

I believe it may not be the truth.

Adam Carolla (200:04)

Who is from the truth? My truth. Now, how big is your Adam lengthwise?

Will Forte (200:11)

Just tell me the truth.

Adam Carolla (200:13)

Tell us how. How long do I feel it is? Yes.

Will Forte (200:15)

How. How do you.

Adam Carolla (200:16)

Or how long she feel it is?

Will Forte (200:18)

I want to know you.

Adam Carolla (200:19)

My truth is insanely average. Oh, actually, no, because the average was always six inches. And then they moved it down a little bit to like 5, 4, 5.3 or half or whatever. I'm right around there. In which case, yeah, it's like, this is my 40. Time didn't improve. Other people got around me, got into Zima. I'm still slow, but other guys got slower. So that's what happened. I've been. Here's the knock on my cock. No, my cock does not have. It does not have girth. It doesn't have length. It doesn't even have a white berth. It doesn't have ambition. It's very run of the mill. Yeah, yeah, Right.

Will Forte (201:09)

Yeah. Average. The average person.

Adam Carolla (201:12)

But it's kind of the Michael J. Fox of Cox. Which is. It's nice. Well purported. Yeah. It. It doesn't.

Gina Grad (201:22)

Nobody has a problem.

Adam Carolla (201:24)

It's got symmetry.

Brian Bishop (201:25)

It's relatable.

Adam Carolla (201:25)

Yes, it's relatable, Adam.

Will Forte (201:27)

It's likable. Michael J. Walks into casting and gets it because he's just likable.

Brian Bishop (201:36)

Yes.

Will Forte (201:37)

Your dick does not have to read for the part.

Adam Carolla (201:38)

Yeah. You see my dick and you go, oh, there you go.

Will Forte (201:41)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brian Bishop (201:42)

Do a chemistry test.

Adam Carolla (201:43)

Get in there.

Brian Bishop (201:45)

Do it. Won't do.

Gina Grad (201:46)

It doesn't read.

Adam Carolla (201:49)

It tests.

Will Forte (201:50)

Does not read.

Adam Carolla (201:51)

It doesn't read. I'll do it. Yeah. I'll do a chemistry test.

Gary (201:53)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (201:54)

Your deck's good in the room.

Adam Carolla (201:55)

Yeah, it's great in the room.

Gina Grad (201:57)

It reads people.

Will Forte (201:57)

Well, the only. Your dick buys Audible books and it's through the roof.

Adam Carolla (202:02)

Males 18 to 34. That's its demo. Males 18 to 34. The ladies, not so much. Not so much the younger ladies, but males 18 to 34. Sweet spot. That's the Dick's demo. That's Dick's demo. So that's. That's your truth. That's the knock on the cock. I love it.

Will Forte (202:22)

And that's the truth.

Adam Carolla (202:23)

So I was. I was watching the Golden Globes last night, and I was first. I saw Laura Dern and she did the Speak. Speak your truth. I think we'll play a little clip of that.

Gina Grad (202:37)

Pretty little lies, I believe.

Adam Carolla (202:38)

Probably. Probably had this one going.

Gina Grad (202:40)

It was a culture of silencing, and that was normalized. I urge all of us to not only support survivors and bystanders who are brave enough to tell their truth, the

Adam Carolla (202:52)

truth is what we really need to focus on. Their truth is a big issue when it comes to sexual assault.

Brian Bishop (202:58)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (202:58)

Because that could get people locked up or imprisoned or fined or whatever. That can cause a lot of trouble.

Caller (203:05)

A.

Adam Carolla (203:05)

And from doing Loveline for 10 years, there can be a large chasm between the truth and your truth.

Gina Grad (203:14)

Your version.

Brian Bishop (203:14)

It's semantics. I'm sure she meant well, but isn't it a little bit harmful to suggest that a sexual abuse survivor's truth is their truth? No, it's the truth. It happened. Someone perpetrated that.

Adam Carolla (203:24)

You're right. It's sort of condescending.

Brian Bishop (203:27)

Yeah, I know she meant well, but

Gina Grad (203:28)

that, like Adam Santa, that is. That is the colloquialism of the day. You wouldn't think to say the truth because nobody says the truth anymore. Anymore. They say your truth.

Adam Carolla (203:37)

Yeah. What they don't realize, I believe, is it's kind of, as Brian says, hurting their cause. Because if you're degrading it a tiny

Brian Bishop (203:45)

bit by saying it's your truth and

Adam Carolla (203:46)

not the truth, if you said you're a big USC fan, if you say USC Trojan, best college team of football team of all time ago, that's your truth.

Brian Bishop (203:56)

That's the truth.

Gina Grad (203:56)

I believe that you believe it.

Adam Carolla (203:57)

Right. If I say that's your truth, that sort of invalidates you. All right. Sorry. Oprah, I think, has a truth as well.

Brian Bishop (204:06)

For too long, women have not been

Adam Carolla (204:08)

heard or believed if they dared to

Brian Bishop (204:12)

speak their truth to the power of those men. But their time is up.

Adam Carolla (204:19)

Well, if she had a magic wand, we'd all be in trouble. No one would have a dick. I wouldn't even have an average dick.

Brian Bishop (204:24)

Everyone's looking under their seat for car keys.

Adam Carolla (204:28)

So again, speaking your truth versus the truth, and I feel like versus, I think these are all little differences that are not pushing us in the. In the right direction.

Gina Grad (204:41)

You know what? I almost never say I feel, or at least I try to catch myself when I do it. Because when we were in seventh grade, we had an English teacher that would go insane if we said, I feel like this is what. No, no, no, no, no. You don't feel. You think. And he would actually smack our desks with a giant metal ruler.

Adam Carolla (205:00)

Nice.

Gina Grad (205:00)

To get us to stop saying we feel like this.

Adam Carolla (205:02)

Yeah. On a just a side note, in terms of kids and how they're coming up and the, you know, my campaign of my kids just need to be raised 1,000 times better than I was raised. But we don't have to go for 10,000 times. As I keep saying to everyone all the time. Like, we stop it. 1000 times better my kids childhood can be vs 10,000.

Brian Bishop (205:30)

I got bad news for you. Joe's going for the 10,000.

Adam Carolla (205:32)

I know.

Will Forte (205:35)

I'm trying to break the record.

Adam Carolla (205:37)

You're taking. You're buying $20,000 Super bowl tickets, $20,000 shoes. Taking a son and I. Yeah, tell us what. I will tell you one. I'll tell you one. It doesn't sound like much, but I'll tell you one. Okay. This very morning, Lynette says I gotta head over to School, I gotta drop the kids off their lunch and then I gotta go do a podcast. And first things first, I don't think any of our parents would have headed to our schools and dropped off our lunch. Our lunches. But here's what definitely wouldn't have happened. She then explained. And by the lunch would have been, you know, a bologna and spit sandwich on some day, old bread, stale chips. Right. And some stale chips, Gennaro chips. Right. And a Hydrox, a half a Hydrox, right? Oh, no. She explained that it was going to take a little time because she had to swing by Panera and pick up the sandwiches. So this would never. Could you picture your parents going by McDonald's, by the way? You would rule the school if your parents came in with a big measure. For sure you would rule the school.

Will Forte (206:45)

Just that brown bag with the M on it.

Adam Carolla (206:47)

Your. You could have a brown bag. You know, you could get anything you want on any campus, any junior high or grade school campus or even high school campus in America if you just, just do this. Take a brown bag, unmarked brown bag, stuff a couple of gym socks in there, just to fluff it up. And then take some candle wax and rub the wax so it looks like grease his penetrative thing around holding that. And you'd be like, oh, you want what's in here? Blow me. And I'm talking to the principal. Like everybody would do everything. It's just same bag, same wax, same socks. You could get whatever. You go walk on to the next campus, get a PJ anywhere you wanted to go.

Gina Grad (207:29)

So is it their birthday again?

Brian Bishop (207:32)

No, this is not applicable to Adam's experience in junior high. But for the rest of us, we show if we forgot our lunch, like happened to leave it at lunch, you had just bum stuff from other kids.

Adam Carolla (207:39)

Always bum, always bumps.

Brian Bishop (207:41)

I mean freezers every day.

Gina Grad (207:43)

Maybe the kitchen would give you a peanut butter sandwich. Oh, they don't have peanut butter.

Adam Carolla (207:46)

And they always took, they took like future cat ladies. And they work the snack shack. Like the student. The student chicks that work the snack shack who hand out the sticky buns and stuff like that, they weren't the bells of the ball. Like they kind of knew this is the 13 year old that's probably gonna be single for a while. It wasn't the hot chick, the hot blonde, the captain, the cheerleading team, she wouldn't work the stupid snack shack.

Gina Grad (208:17)

She didn't have to.

Adam Carolla (208:18)

So you'd have some chick. We got a chick. Okay, I just want you guys have to picture this. She was White as a ghost. I mean, pale white. She had screaming red hair. And the red hair also becomes sort of kinky. Real kinky red hair. She was the worst thing you can be in terms of fitting in when you're in the eighth grade is being the Bahi behemoth. I mean, not. It's not being fat, it's being a giant. There's some like. Everyone had like the giant woman, you know what I mean? She was 6 foot. She was 185.

Will Forte (208:54)

She had knuckles.

Adam Carolla (208:55)

Her name was Joan. And it's just. She had a name from like the 30s. Joan. And she was Joan. She was a huge Bay City Rollers fan and used to dress up in the tartan. Bay City Rollers. The. The Bay. You find me a picture of the Bay City Rollers, Max. Pat. They wore like, coveralls, like tartan plaid coveralls, which only accentuated her size is not flattering. But we knew that we could take my buddy Chris, who's basically. If this is the A team, he'd be face. You know, take face and go up and talk to Joan. She's working the counter at the snack Shack and. Sweet talker. Get some, Chris.

Will Forte (209:35)

Chris, get.

Adam Carolla (209:36)

Get some.

Will Forte (209:36)

Hey, Chris.

Adam Carolla (209:37)

Get some sticky buns out of there.

Will Forte (209:39)

Sticky buns came out. Chris.

Adam Carolla (209:40)

Hey, man. Hey. Hey, what'd you do last? S a T U R D A Y hey. Huh? Yeah. Hey, Joan.

Will Forte (209:48)

Hey.

Adam Carolla (209:49)

Hey, do you like the.

Will Forte (209:50)

My coveralls?

Adam Carolla (209:51)

Yeah, they're sweet. You make those yourself? Yeah, I made them out of three pair of regular size coveralls.

Will Forte (209:56)

Yeah?

Adam Carolla (209:57)

Yeah. And a pup tent. Hey, I love the Bay City Rollers, man.

Will Forte (210:01)

Man, you want sticky buns?

Adam Carolla (210:02)

Yeah. Yeah, that's why I'm here. Hey, listen, I'm a little short.

Will Forte (210:07)

That's fine.

Adam Carolla (210:07)

I guess everyone's a little short. Stand next to you. Don't crush me. Don't crush me between your thighs.

Will Forte (210:14)

Just hug me. Just give me a hug. Give me a hug.

Adam Carolla (210:18)

You know, I'm hungry, but I'm not starving. You know what I'm saying?

Will Forte (210:21)

Smell the new buns, though.

Adam Carolla (210:22)

Smell them.

Will Forte (210:22)

I put extra cinnamon on this one.

Adam Carolla (210:24)

Yeah. You know the reason why. Why they have the Lucite between us and you? You know what I mean? It's a kind of a no hug zone. You're in kind of a no hug aquarium, you know what I mean?

Will Forte (210:35)

How about. How about two cinnamon rolls? Do you want two sticky bones?

Adam Carolla (210:40)

Yeah. Because Ray could use one, too.

Brian Bishop (210:41)

Hey, Chris, Chris, Chris, it's me. It's me, Adam. Carolla. Have you Got the sticky buns yet? I'm starving. My parents haven't fed me in weeks.

Adam Carolla (210:50)

Get him away. I know he's an. Hey. Take your Jew. Go sit over there and see if you can get some sandwiches from some of your buddies. Why?

Brian Bishop (210:57)

Don't tell me to shut up.

Will Forte (210:58)

God, he's so ugly.

Adam Carolla (211:00)

Don't worry about him.

Will Forte (211:01)

He's so ugly.

Adam Carolla (211:01)

Don't worry about him. Don't worry about him.

Brian Bishop (211:04)

None of my hot girl.

Adam Carolla (211:05)

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Adam. Hey, Adam. Shut up. No one's going to get me if he keeps talking. Chris, you see that Mighty Joe movie?

Brian Bishop (211:16)

Sorry, Joan.

Adam Carolla (211:17)

Go away. No flash photography.

Brian Bishop (211:19)

Back away.

Adam Carolla (211:20)

Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. I love the Bay City Rolex.

Will Forte (211:26)

I do, too.

Adam Carolla (211:27)

Yeah. And I know they speak to your. I think, your Irish heritage.

Will Forte (211:33)

We're not Irish at all.

Adam Carolla (211:35)

Well, I just saw the red hair. I don't know where it came from.

Will Forte (211:40)

My dad.

Gina Grad (211:40)

Hey, Chris, what are you doing talking

Adam Carolla (211:42)

to Joan the giant? Sorry. They're Scottish. They're Scottish.

Brian Bishop (211:48)

Shut up.

Adam Carolla (211:49)

Hey, listen, there's only. There's only six minutes left in the ironically named nutrition. Nutrition was the time where you could just drink. You could. You could drink powder, you could. You could drink chocolate milk and eat sticky buns. That's what you did during nutrition. That's what we did during nutrition. Anyway. Hey, look, just hug me. How about. Yeah, give me a hug. Yeah, how about we put that on layaway and you just slide a couple of sticky buns through the slot there so we can get our sticky hands on him?

Will Forte (212:20)

Okay, Fine. That's fine. But you owe me one.

Adam Carolla (212:23)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot. Yeah. Hey. Hey, by the way, Ray wants a rematch on the arm wrestling. He says. He says you cheated, man. No, I did.

Will Forte (212:32)

I won that fair square.

Adam Carolla (212:33)

He says he wants a rematch. He wants a rematch on that. And he. He also says he thinks he can squat more than you. It's just he. He was sore. He's pulling shit. Find me a picture of the Bay City. Of the Bay City Rollers. I remember that outfit now. You remember?

Gina Grad (212:52)

Are we talking dead center?

Adam Carolla (212:53)

This giant person making themselves their own y. There's nothing you can say whatever you want about bad skin or about weight or about anything, but just being. Every school had to have the one giant woman, right? Yeah. No, I. I'm sure. And I hope her life turned out great because later on, being tall is fine. And she probably. Well, all the hot chicks that are now all sun blasted and had too much plastic surgery done. She's running some corporation somewhere.

Will Forte (213:24)

She's doing a TED Talk, Right?

Adam Carolla (213:26)

She's doing a.

Will Forte (213:27)

She's doing a TED Talk.

Gina Grad (213:28)

Persevering in the face of adversity.

Adam Carolla (213:30)

Yes.

Will Forte (213:30)

Yeah. I used to make my own clothes. Now look at me.

Adam Carolla (213:34)

Are based anywhere. All our.

Gina Grad (213:36)

You know who the giant in our middle school was? JoJo. So maybe it's something about that name.

Adam Carolla (213:41)

JoJo.

Gina Grad (213:42)

Her name was Joanne, but she wanted to be called JoJo.

Will Forte (213:44)

Of course she did. Yeah. JoJo. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (213:47)

Yeah. We had a big Deborah, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Gina Grad (213:50)

That goes.

Adam Carolla (213:51)

That's tough. Did you guys all have a one giant, not fat chick?

Gina Grad (213:55)

No. Giant chick pituitary issue.

Adam Carolla (213:57)

Yep.

Will Forte (213:59)

Yeah. You listen to the Bay City role?

Adam Carolla (214:01)

No, he's listening to JoJo. He's JoJo. Listen to Jojo. By.

Will Forte (214:05)

Come on.

Brian Bishop (214:05)

You know.

Adam Carolla (214:06)

Yeah, Boss G. That's right. Wow. Who's this?

Brian Bishop (214:09)

Played often in Bishop House.

Adam Carolla (214:10)

I don't even know what this is.

Gina Grad (214:11)

A little yacht rock for you.

Adam Carolla (214:12)

Little yacht rock.

Brian Bishop (214:13)

Hold him. Wait for it. Blue eyed soul man. This ain't yacht rock. Boss gags. Get down with some boss gags.

Adam Carolla (214:28)

I digressed a little, which is Lynette had to go to Panera to pick up lunch. And I was like, Jesus Christ. And then she's like. And then I gotta go by subway. Oh, yeah. That's for the boy.

Will Forte (214:43)

That's for the boy.

Adam Carolla (214:43)

That's right.

Gary (214:44)

I know.

Adam Carolla (214:44)

Because the boy wants Subway.

Will Forte (214:45)

Yeah. My son wants Panera.

Adam Carolla (214:47)

Yeah.

Will Forte (214:48)

She wanted Panera. My son.

Adam Carolla (214:49)

How many miles away from our childhood now did this. Now you were.

Brian Bishop (214:53)

She's got Panera taste on a Subway budget.

Adam Carolla (214:56)

You were a million miles away, child. Just on the swing by Panera and bring it to school. But now that we're going by Subway, you can't even see the tail lights of the distance. The chasm between our childhood and this. Right.

Gina Grad (215:09)

Did they get 100% on a test?

Adam Carolla (215:12)

No.

Gina Grad (215:12)

Did they find out they were giant?

Will Forte (215:14)

No, they were just hungry.

Brian Bishop (215:15)

They are cumulative 100 on several tests.

Adam Carolla (215:18)

No. It was funny because Lynette was getting a little defensive about it as I was going into old man rant number 178 of the new year. But I said, no, no. That's why I married you. Love the bejesus out of these kids. And there's no way. My mom. I mean, famously, my mom hid a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne because she thought she might have to share it with her husband and her mother and her son one day. She, like, hid it under a sweater. Like, that's A completely different mindset. 1,000%. All right.

Will Forte (215:54)

You know, I still remember the day my mom brought me McDonald's.

Adam Carolla (215:56)

McDonald's.

Will Forte (215:56)

Like, to this day, I still remember that.

Adam Carolla (215:58)

Did she bring it to school?

Will Forte (215:59)

She brought it to school. I got my lunch and she was

Adam Carolla (216:01)

on the way to work and she

Will Forte (216:03)

brought it and she was so pissed. She was so pissed.

Adam Carolla (216:06)

What did she sound like?

Will Forte (216:07)

Don't ever forget your lunch again. This is the last time. This is the last time.

Gina Grad (216:12)

But when you forget.

Will Forte (216:13)

I was sad. I was like, I'm so sorry. But in my head, I'm like, I got McDonald's.

Adam Carolla (216:16)

Was she on her way to nurse or to teach people about nursing?

Will Forte (216:20)

She was about to teach somebody about nursing.

Adam Carolla (216:23)

Wait, what did your mom do?

Will Forte (216:24)

My mom just worked at a bank.

Adam Carolla (216:26)

Nursing at a bank?

Will Forte (216:27)

No, she never.

Adam Carolla (216:28)

Bank nurse. Every. Every.

Will Forte (216:29)

All the other Filipinos in my family were nurses except my mom, and she wanted me to be a nurse. I'm like, you were in the banking business.

Brian Bishop (216:35)

Was there shame that she wasn't a nurse?

Will Forte (216:37)

She hated me. Great shame.

Adam Carolla (216:39)

No, no, she wasn't the nurse.

Gina Grad (216:41)

She's the black sheep at the bank.

Will Forte (216:42)

Oh, she was. She was the black sheep? Yeah, she was the black sheep. Yes.

Adam Carolla (216:45)

Was what? So what did she sound like when she was ordering at McDonald's?

Will Forte (216:49)

I'll take. Let me see, what's in a number one again? What is that?

Adam Carolla (216:53)

That's large. That's a Quarter pounder.

Will Forte (216:56)

A Quarter pounder, which is a lot of.

Adam Carolla (217:00)

Well, it's a quarter.

Will Forte (217:01)

A quarter of a pound. Is there a pound? Do you have a pound burger?

Adam Carolla (217:05)

You get four quarter pounders, then that's four burgers. That's a pound, though.

Will Forte (217:11)

But I just want one. One pound.

Adam Carolla (217:13)

Well, you know, like, you have a quarter and then four of them make a dollar.

Will Forte (217:16)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (217:17)

You could have four quarters that make a dollar.

Will Forte (217:19)

Oh, but that's stupid.

Adam Carolla (217:20)

But you can't have a dollar. You see what I'm saying? Oh, by the way, the Quarter Pounder, that's pre cooked weight. Once we cook it, it gets lighter, but we're still there. Well, what is that? Bear?

Will Forte (217:33)

All of the. That's not pear.

Adam Carolla (217:36)

It's not a bear.

Will Forte (217:36)

No.

Adam Carolla (217:37)

Pear. It's not a pear.

Will Forte (217:38)

It's not pear.

Adam Carolla (217:39)

Yeah. No, not a pear. No. Just order either one.

Will Forte (217:42)

I don't want to. I said.

Adam Carolla (217:44)

You said you wanted a pair.

Will Forte (217:46)

It's not fair to me.

Adam Carolla (217:47)

We have a one Big Mac. Okay, you want a pair of.

Gina Grad (217:52)

I don't.

Will Forte (217:54)

Do you not understand what I'm saying to you?

Adam Carolla (217:56)

You said you don't want a pear.

Will Forte (217:57)

No, I said it's not pear.

Adam Carolla (217:59)

I'm agreeing with you. It's one burger. It's called a quarter pounder. You want a pear of patties? That's a big Mac. That's two patties whose weight, by the way, don't exceed a quarter pound. It's uncooked.

Will Forte (218:09)

Okay, that's fine. You keep talking. Does it come with french fries?

Adam Carolla (218:16)

It does not come with branch fries. What?

Will Forte (218:19)

What did you say?

Adam Carolla (218:20)

It comes with a french fry, but not a branch.

Will Forte (218:22)

I said french fries.

Adam Carolla (218:23)

I heard you said you wanted a pair with branch fries. We don't. We don't serve french fries.

Will Forte (218:28)

Who is your manager?

Adam Carolla (218:29)

His name is Ken. He's in a windowless room contemplating suicide right now, staring at brown, weird tile on the floor.

Will Forte (218:36)

I hope you die, okay? I hope you die. Well, I really hope you die, okay?

Adam Carolla (218:42)

I didn't.

Will Forte (218:43)

I don't want the hamburger. I don't want french fries. I want to change my order. I have to hurry up. My son.

Adam Carolla (218:47)

Oh, we're having his parking lunch.

Will Forte (218:49)

Listen to.

Adam Carolla (218:51)

You forgot his packing lunch.

Will Forte (218:52)

Packing lunch?

Adam Carolla (218:54)

His packing lunch.

Will Forte (218:55)

No, he. He's packing lunch.

Adam Carolla (218:57)

Are you swearing now?

Will Forte (218:58)

I'm cursing right now.

Adam Carolla (218:59)

Maybe a parfait.

Will Forte (219:01)

You.

Adam Carolla (219:01)

You think a parfait would settle you down?

Will Forte (219:03)

A far.

Daniel Schechter (219:04)

Pay.

Adam Carolla (219:04)

A parfait.

Will Forte (219:05)

A farpe.

Adam Carolla (219:06)

What is parfait would settle you down.

Will Forte (219:09)

I'm saying that I said farpe.

Adam Carolla (219:11)

What? Yeah, Parfait.

Will Forte (219:12)

Far.

Adam Carolla (219:12)

Far.

Will Forte (219:13)

Far.

Adam Carolla (219:14)

Farpe.

Will Forte (219:14)

Farpe.

Adam Carolla (219:15)

Parfait.

Will Forte (219:15)

No.

Adam Carolla (219:16)

Now I'm confused. Would you like complimentary place parfait? I've been deputized to hand out parfaits to customers that seemed agitated.

Will Forte (219:24)

I'll take a pre farpe.

Adam Carolla (219:26)

I'll take a pre parfait. No one really knows what it is. It might be ice cream. It's kind of yogurt. You know, it's ice cream in a cup. No one really likes it, but it's got a good name.

Will Forte (219:36)

I'll tell you this. It's delicious.

Adam Carolla (219:38)

The parfait.

Will Forte (219:39)

The parfait is delicious.

Adam Carolla (219:40)

Parfait, yes. Yeah, we have a couple different offerings in terms of toppings for the parfait.

Will Forte (219:46)

Oh, what do you have? Free nuts.

Adam Carolla (219:48)

We don't have free nuts.

Will Forte (219:49)

No, you have to pay for the nuts. I know I have to pay for the nuts.

Adam Carolla (219:54)

Yeah, but we will those. They are free. With the parfait you cannot eat. But we do not have free nuts, per se.

Will Forte (219:59)

You're really frustrating.

Adam Carolla (220:00)

Hold on. There's 181 people behind you. I'M sorry, folks, you're gonna have to wait till we settle this free parfait. Would you like. We have a. We have a cherry. Do you have a cherry compote that we pour on top? I'm quite articulate for someone who works at a McDonald's. We also do a caramel. Some people call it caramel. I call it caramel.

Will Forte (220:23)

I'll take caramel.

Adam Carolla (220:24)

Caramel.

Will Forte (220:25)

Caramel.

Adam Carolla (220:25)

Caramel.

Will Forte (220:26)

Car.

Adam Carolla (220:27)

Car. Car. Car.

Kalin Bean (220:28)

Car.

Adam Carolla (220:28)

Caramel. Carmel.

Will Forte (220:31)

All right, I'll take that.

Adam Carolla (220:32)

It's a city by the beach.

Will Forte (220:33)

Can I just.

Adam Carolla (220:33)

Oh, yes.

Will Forte (220:34)

I don't have time.

Adam Carolla (220:35)

Well, we've been here for a while now.

Will Forte (220:37)

Yeah, we have been. And there's a long line behind me

Adam Carolla (220:40)

because you're being a.

Will Forte (220:41)

To a fed.

Adam Carolla (220:41)

Uh huh.

Will Forte (220:42)

But this is. Scratch everything I said.

Adam Carolla (220:44)

All right?

Will Forte (220:45)

This is what I want to get.

Adam Carolla (220:46)

Filet o fish.

Will Forte (220:47)

Filet o fish.

Adam Carolla (220:49)

Who?

Will Forte (220:49)

Filet o fish.

Adam Carolla (220:51)

We only have a filet o fish. We don't have.

Will Forte (220:53)

That's what I said.

Adam Carolla (220:55)

Do you want some fries with that?

Will Forte (220:57)

If you can give me some french fries and a pale o fish. I would like that with one.

Adam Carolla (221:01)

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Will Forte (221:03)

Frappuccino.

Adam Carolla (221:04)

I'm going to go to that heating tray over there.

Will Forte (221:06)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (221:07)

I'm just going to get everything that's in it. Just throw it in the back. There's a. There could be apple pies in there. There could be filet. I don't know what's in there, but I will take a variety bag.

Will Forte (221:19)

A variety bag? Yes, a variety of things will be in the bag.

Adam Carolla (221:23)

I'm going to get my duffel bag from my locker and I'm just going to fill it with every single thing that's in that warming tray right now. And I will just give it to you. Gratos.

Will Forte (221:32)

That's fine.

Adam Carolla (221:33)

A gratis. And gratis is a place we like to spend time. Yes.

Will Forte (221:38)

Do you have a Happy meal?

Adam Carolla (221:40)

Half eaten meal?

Will Forte (221:41)

Half a meal with the toy meal. You put the toy in the box and it's very happy. It makes me happy.

Adam Carolla (221:46)

What box would this be? We have a half. We don't have a half a meal. Half eaten meal.

Will Forte (221:52)

Half eat meal. Half a meal.

Adam Carolla (221:54)

I could search the garbage for a half eaten meal, but most our customers consume.

Will Forte (221:58)

Why would I want a half eaten meal? I want a Happy Meal. The one that make you smile. The Happy Meal.

Adam Carolla (222:03)

Happy Meal, stupid. Yes. Is your son into Star Wars?

Will Forte (222:08)

Oh, he loves Star Wars.

Adam Carolla (222:10)

Okay. Because we're out of those I was hoping you're gonna say no.

Will Forte (222:16)

You really make me mad.

Adam Carolla (222:17)

And scene.

Brian Bishop (222:18)

Nice.

Adam Carolla (222:19)

Joe Koi's mom, everybody.

Will Forte (222:20)

Wow, it's fun.

Gina Grad (222:22)

Look what she went through just to bring you that dance.

Will Forte (222:24)

That's why she was mad.

Adam Carolla (222:26)

What did she bring you, by the way? Do you remember? You should know to this day, didn't

Will Forte (222:29)

we just do this filet o fish? But that was her fish favorite though. That was my favorite.

Adam Carolla (222:33)

Filet o fish is perfect because it was delicious. I never liked fish growing up as something a big fish fan. It's as far away from fish as you could possibly ever, ever get. The it was fish was the fifth on the ingredient list of filet. Filet o fish Just informed. She bring you fries?

Will Forte (222:50)

Yep, she brought me fries, a little small coke.

Adam Carolla (222:52)

Any dessert? Any apple pie?

Will Forte (222:53)

My mom was pissed.

Adam Carolla (222:54)

No, hell no.

Will Forte (222:56)

Just that's all she got me.

Adam Carolla (222:57)

What would your mom what, what would you do for lunch?

Will Forte (222:59)

What would you mom. Oh, by the way, this came in the stock. Styrofoam.

Adam Carolla (223:02)

Oh, it was a blue Styrofoam. Yeah.

Will Forte (223:04)

It was well packaged. It looks. Everything was like a gift in the bag where the napkins were expensive.

Adam Carolla (223:11)

Like, wow, this is a good linen. Yeah. Linen. Yeah. You were the bell of the ball.

Will Forte (223:17)

I still remember that.

Adam Carolla (223:19)

Today I'm eating a filet o fish. Right this way, Mr. Corey. Yes, kids, gather around.

Will Forte (223:26)

I'll show you you what McDonald's looks like.

Adam Carolla (223:31)

And what would your mom pack? What was her sandwich? What.

Will Forte (223:35)

What was your. This is the worst one. And by the way, she didn't have Ziploc bags. We didn't have those kind of bags. I don't even think it was a fold over bag or tin foil.

Gina Grad (223:46)

Oh no.

Adam Carolla (223:47)

Or like the wax paper.

Will Forte (223:48)

And then she'd fold it like it was like a nice present. She'd roll it up on the sides and it was always either eggs and salad or tuna fish. Something that stunk up the room.

Adam Carolla (223:56)

Right. And.

Will Forte (223:57)

And everyone knew I was opening my lunch every time I opened. Ah shit, Joe's eating a sandwich again. Because it was always egg salad, tuna

Gina Grad (224:03)

fish, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.

Kalin Bean (224:05)

Sulfur.

Adam Carolla (224:05)

I think, I really do think I could just. I could go to a sixth or seventh grade, like sort of cafeteria area where people are eating for lunch. And I could just walk up and down the aisle going, all right, your mom loves you and mom no doesn't care about you. Mom love, love, love. Not interested, not abusive.

Will Forte (224:24)

Oh yeah.

Adam Carolla (224:25)

Like I. I literally could walk up and down and see who the super lazy checked out parents were and who. The ones who were. Who were loved.

Gina Grad (224:33)

If you're not sure, you have to open the bread and see if there's mustard. Smiley face.

Adam Carolla (224:36)

Yes, yes.

Gina Grad (224:37)

And how they break one in the grad house.

Adam Carolla (224:39)

Right? They write their name on there. Oh, yeah. The only little notes. Little notes. Oh, my God.

Will Forte (224:45)

Eat your apple before line.

Adam Carolla (224:47)

Yeah, you are loved. I got a note that said, good luck with Joan.

Gina Grad (224:52)

Maybe she'll give you lunch.

Adam Carolla (224:54)

Jesus Christ. And then when my parents. I was. When I went to Colfax Elementary, I was just on the super embarrassing breakfast lunch program where you just had your stupid little ticket, get your stupid little fish sticks and whatever it was. So I was off that. And then when I got to junior high, they didn't really have the lunch program, as I recall, and my parents got divorced and I was living with my dad and he was in charge of putting lunch together. So here was this horrible perfect storm of horrible lunch experiences for young Adam Carolla. Thanks, dad. My dad's the goddamn cheapest guy on the planet. There's nothing you can say that would ever convince me that he's not just the cheapest guy on the planet. So giving you three doll, $2 or something completely off, that was not on the table.

Will Forte (225:50)

My dad's pretty cheap, Adam. My dad is still a coin guy. My dad is still a coin guy, sis. Through those damn coins, man.

Adam Carolla (225:58)

My dad's also wildly incompetent and could not make a tuna fish sandwich if his life depended on it.

Gina Grad (226:04)

Yeah, this is Mr. Raisins for dinner.

Gary (226:06)

Right?

Adam Carolla (226:06)

Right. He eats raisins for dinner. And I just happen to be starving all the time. That's my. So all I would do is show up and I would find my Jewish friend whose parents love them and also had like a slider build. Their parents, they had this great combo. Their parents loved them. And there were 118 pounds soaking wet. So guys like me and Ray would just sit next to them and going, hey, Nate, you're gonna finish that? Yeah, you ate the one half, but you're gonna eat the other. And they'd always throw you. Throw you more. Suck. It's like growing up in a koi pond. Just look, looking up, just looking up, going, please, please, somebody throw me a crumb or something. Yeah, and.

Will Forte (226:50)

Oh, you'd swim to the top too, and eat it.

Adam Carolla (226:52)

And then we just go bug Joan and whoever else was in the snack shack and see if we could get something. But it was. It was a whole life of just bumming Stuff, It's a weird. Also, it puts you in a mode of, hey, man, like, like you. You essentially become a seventh grade grade hobo. You, like, wander around like, are you a fish at cigarette. You don't like picking up cigarette butts and trying to light them and stuff like that.

Brian Bishop (227:18)

Says hungry.

Adam Carolla (227:19)

Like we panhandle. Literally panhandled all the way through junior high and high school.

Will Forte (227:25)

Okay, but when I was a kid, like, there was always that broke kid. I was that broke kid. And you, and you always try and like get. Schmooze people for food and all just like Adam. But now the roles have reversed because now these kids, because my son goes really well off school. All the, all the kids that have money, but they all act like they're broke now. It's like the roles have reversed now. Like, my son loves not having money on him. My son loves bummies. He always brags about, yeah, Ronnie gave

Adam Carolla (227:53)

me half his sandwich today.

Will Forte (227:54)

And just blah, blah, blah. Like, he loves it. He thinks it's the coolest thing. And they all do it.

Adam Carolla (227:57)

I think. Wow. I think it's basically.

Will Forte (228:01)

But they also go to Starbucks and McDonald's and Pizza Hut and all that stuff on their lunch breaks now. So it's kind of like a different world.

Gina Grad (228:06)

They're playing house, they're playing struggle.

Will Forte (228:08)

Actually, it's called playing broke.

Gina Grad (228:09)

Interesting.

Adam Carolla (228:10)

It's. Yeah, it's like shabby chic.

Brian Bishop (228:12)

Yeah, derelict boho.

Gina Grad (228:14)

Derelict.

Adam Carolla (228:15)

All right. What's that mean? Oh, from Zoolander.

Brian Bishop (228:19)

Bugattu's new line was like homeless chic.

Adam Carolla (228:26)

All right, Rob Schneider's out there. We're gonna bring him in in one second. First I'll tell you about hymns, man. It's 2018. Put your hands on your head. Not you, Brian. Tell me how much hair you feel up there. I noticed. You know, I noticed watching a lot of NFL football when the guys pull their helmets off and they're walking to the sideline, you can see. You can see it getting a little thin up there. Oh, yeah, a lot of those.

Brian Bishop (228:49)

The helmets are flattering.

Adam Carolla (228:50)

You listening? Jason Whitten. You should have picked up some hymns, man. There's still time for hims.com one stop shop for a hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness and more medical grade solutions and generic equivalents of name brand prescriptions. So you can keep that hair. And the whole thing is you're not gonna get it back. You gotta keep what you have. No herbal supplements, none of that stuff that doesn't work. No waiting room, no awkward doctor visits. My listeners can get a free trial month. Everything you need. Keep your hair for just five bucks. Cost you hundreds if you went to the pharmacy. So while supplying see the website for full details go to 4hims4h I m s.com Adam f o r h I m s.com Adam you don't this kind of stuff we I'd always talk about like you don't have to go to the doctor, you don't have to get the prescriptions. Go to hims. Okay. Jo Coy Rob showed up a little early so we're going to break a little early and we'll get to the great Rob Schneider. Joe Coy live from Seattle. Fantastic. Stand up special please. Everyone. Everyone has watched it but watch it, watch it again. The koi pond, of course, the podcast. JoeCoi.com is where you go for all the live shows and everything else you want to know about. We will do a little good sports and then we'll bring Rob Schneider in.

Brian Bishop (230:18)

Right? All right.

Podcast Host (230:23)

That's Adam Kolla Show 22:34 Great Jo Koy in studio. That does it for today's crawl of classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.