← Adam Carolla Show
Adam Carolla Show
Dave Dameshek + Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)
02:58:42
#1 ACS #1022 (feat. Grant Lee Phillips, Dave Dameshek, Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop) Recorded 02-25-2013 – Release Date 02-26-2013 #2 ACS #2720 (feat. Gina Grad and Bryan Bishop) Recorded 12-19-2019 – Release Date...
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Adam Carolla
Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Corolla Classics until we return. Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast with play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Corolla's Substack. All right, coming up first, we have Adam Carolla Show 1022. This is Grant Lee Phillips, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This is the infamous what a Fool Believes clip. It's a lot of fun. Hope you enjoy. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS Live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack. Since we're busting Dawson's chops, it's a perfect time to mention that Lisa Loeb will be coming in next week. Oh, all right, let's tell the story now. So Grant Lee knows all about it. Yeah, you're gonna need to. One time, Dawson, when I was doing a morning show, when I was doing a morning show in 2008 or something like that, he showed up in shants that didn't have gravy on them. And I said, whoa, what's the occasion? Dress shants. Yeah. Yeah. Like McCann's off. Yeah. He was wearing. He was wearing flip flops that were like only 4 to 6 years old. And I said, what is the occasion, Dawson? And he said, lisa Loeb's coming in today? And I said, yeah. And he said, she does that single show, you know, number one hit single or whatever it is. She did that, like, VH1 single. Like Lisa Loeb's single Looking for. Looking For a date show. Remember that? Right. No, it was called Number One Single. Number One Single. Right. And she's cute as a button, and she sounds great and writes fun songs and everything like that. And I said, so what of it, Dawson? And he said, we're going out. And I said, you're going out? Yeah. And I said, how's that going to work? And he said, I'm going to ask her out. I said, well, that don't mean you're going out. You can apply for a job at the Pentagon, but it doesn't mean you're going to be working there. And he said, well, she's single. I said, yeah, I know. Well, at least in the TV show, she's single, but that don't mean she's going out with you. You have access to every. By the way, I'd get divorced tomorrow if I thought those were the rules. Lynette, no offense, but you know what I'm saying. The rules aren't because you're single. You must date me. The rules are you have to sign off on this request. Some sort of positive affirmation. Yeah. I said to Dawson, this is not a done deal by any stretch of the imagination. That information confused Dawson more than anything. And I said, all right, well, go ahead and ask her. I'm not telling you not to ask her out. I'm just saying don't start planning the date out just yet until you get confirmation from her. And he said, yeah, a little confused by the exchange. Long story short, they're married. Long story short, she came in an hour later, sang a song, split. And I said, did you ask her out? And he went, yeah. And I said, what happened? No, that's okay. And I thought, let this be a lesson to you and everyone else who is. She must have terrible taste in men. No. To never try ever. And I hope there's young people listening. Now, here's the good news and the bad news, Dawson. She's not going to remember this exchange. I know, and I'm happy about that. Can you do the bad news till he tells her? Until I tell her. No. The bad news is that she's not gonna remember the exchange. Meaning? There's a song by the Doobie Brothers called what a Fool Believes. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Really? On the mic, exactly what it sound like. That's right. That's right. If you get the lyrics to that song, that's exactly. That's exactly it. The white man has the power. It's a white supremacist song. You wouldn't know it because he mumbles. It's an interesting song. And if you break it down, it's basically just about it. It's about a guy who thinks he had a relationship with a chick, but she doesn't remember who he is. Ah, right. If you really just break it down, is it because he didn't enunciate? Their lyrics are right over there. Yeah. Kenny Laughman's co writer. Yeah, he really. Yeah. From somewhere back on a long ago. Join me. Trying hard to recreate Once in her life she must have looked small for his nostalgic tail Only to realize it never really won now see, now this is where it gets cruel. She had a place on this. No, no, go up. Oh, really? From there. No, she. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, that's right. Had a place in his life Right. Now here's where it gets sad. It never matters. That's the sad story. Rises to her apology. Everybody has returned. That was everyone else who worked at Kyla Saxon watching her sad. Now where's your white supremacist? Oh, it's the wise man. It's not the white man. I'm sorry. Same difference. Yeah, that's right. All right. Yeah. You get that It's a hit. It's kind of an interesting song. That was magical and a little sad as well. I had no idea. Yeah. Yeah. I think we can get Michael McDonald on the show. You can get Mike McDonald on the show, I think with a couple of phone calls. All right. We got to get Daggers. Like to someone who knows him. Yeah, well, yeah, that would be the first phone call. That would be the very first one that would have to be made. It can't be random phone calls. It's really possible. The guy. When I went on tour with Alan Parsons in South America, the guy who was our stage manager. I mean the guy was. The production manager is Michael McDonald's front of house guy. And that has to do with avocados. Why? Because guacamole is good. Yes. All right, so we will. Can we hear that? Do you have that song, Brian? Somewhere. It's. It's a little underrated. It gets. Gets lost. People think I'm a little too much about China Grove. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You know why? It's. It's got a little. It's got the bongo in it from the. If you like pina colada. It's got a little like Rupert Holmes in it. I think the prom. Did anyone ever know what this song was about? White power. Yeah, it's like your mind just kind of writes stuff off or you kind of move ahead. It's like this little. Little popcorn Diddy. But it's got some truth to it. It's kind of interesting, and it's got some depth to it. Now you got to join in here. There you go. Crank it up. You got to use the mic. There you go. As she rises to apology, everybody. All right, all right. Good song. Yeah. Also, if you ever listen to some Steely Dan stuff, Michael does some pretty stellar work in the background. That'll be it. When we get in, we'll talk. Nothing but Steely Dan. Oh, ride like the wind, too. He appears. He makes a cameo. Kind of a Hitchcockian kind of cameo. He makes a. So any song that has a bongo or Congo in it, that song he's immediately attracted to. Do you have a little. Get him in like the wind? Someone could play a bongo somewhere, and he shoots up in his bed. Ride like the wind. Sorry. Now we'll find that one somewhere. Gotta have it somewhere. You listen to the Congo bongo, whatever. Congo Unchained, we call it. We'll find it. You can really find bongo music. We don't have that. What the hell is going on in this country? Bald Brian Grant Lee Phillips. By the way, the music. Walking in the Green Corn, available again on Amazon as we speak. Let's see. Just to hear that beginning. Just to hear that beginning drum thing. Just that hand slapping the skins. But if we don't have it, Mike, you know he's gonna find it. Mike will have it somewhere. Mike has an iPod with 80,000 songs on it or something. Let's see. And yeah, Michael McDonald does some pretty stellar backup on that. Steely Dan, right? Like the Wind. No, not Steely Dan. Christopher Cross. Right? Oh, sorry. Screwed you up with that. Hear the bunk? Like said, anything with a little mono. Yeah, all right, Grant Lee. Knock yourself out. I gotta say, make fun of the song all you like. If it comes on the radio, I ain't changing it. And I may sit in my car. Back when guys used to write songs about being on the run, on the road. Gotta hurry. Gotta get to the next town. Crisscross. Make love to my next lady. Oh, here, Michael, by the way, you don't have to say border, Mexico. We know where you're going. You're not going to Canada, for Christ's sake. Christopher Cross was an outlaw. You should see him written all over his face. Yeah, here comes Michael. All right, all right. He's got that bongo they like. That that must have been his decision making process. Like, is that a cool kind of conga beat? I'm in. Yeah. All right. Grant Lee Phillips, everybody. Keep it up as we go out. What the hell? Thank you so much for coming in. Always a good time. And of course, Allison Rosen and Ball, Brian and Dawson for being a good sport. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo. I like it when my boyfriend defecates on me. All right, this is Adam Carrillo Show 1022. Coming up next, we have Adam Aquilla Show 2720 featuring Gina Grad Brian Bishop. This one's From December of 2019, 13th annual ACE Awards, Gina's fifth year. Hope you guys enjoy. Oh, oh, oh. 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Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts. One stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store. Online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam from the historic Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale. It's the 2019 ACE Awards celebrating the best of the Adam Carolla show this year with seat slash bra filler, Gina Griffin, Brad and Oscar statue model bald Bryan. And now your host for tonight's ceremony, Adam Corolla. Well, here we are again, everybody. Since this is the last time we'll talk before we go on our little extra extended break. If you'd like to go ahead and pre order the new book, I'm your emotional support animal navigator. All woke and no joke culture. It is now ready for pre order. I guess you can get it at Amazon or wherever else. Barnes and Noble. Amazon links are on AdamCarolla.com so pre order now. You realize that Phil steals the COVID Phil is the star. He's so fat, he's just sitting on top of me. Like, two guys had to lift him up and dump him on me. And then everyone had to, like, hold treats to get him to look. But we'll put it up. I think the COVID will be up there. So if you guys want to do that, Couple tickets left in Chicago coming up, Milwaukee coming up in January, and uppity finally ready and shipping at chassis C H A S S Y as well as Shelby American and the posters and 24 Hour War and all the other good stuff. So go there and get that holiday gift. All right, Shelby. Hey, before we do that, guys, cheers. Cheers. We got a nice little glass of champagne. I love you guys. Cheers. Thanks for a great year. Bottoms up. Cheers. Clink, clink, clink, clink. All right, drink a little champagne and we'll go right into the first category, best impressions. The nominees for best impression are. Kyle Dunnigan as Matt Fondelier. What's going on with the dmv? You were on hold for, like three hours. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know. What? It's on the phone there. I was on hold. Well, can't you go online and make me an appointment? Yeah, man, I'll look into it, man. Yeah, well, but I asked you to look into it two days ago. Yeah, yeah, a couple days. I'll get to it. Yeah, no, no, we'll get to the DMV in a couple days, man. I said two days ago. Yeah, no, not two days from now. You got a boss. Sure. Two days from now. We'll have you down the dmv. All right, Matt, let's have it. Let's have an organic conversation. Sure, sure. Do you think I could get an appointment at the dmv which is in pebble beach or Seaside, eight miles away from Laguna Seca, the track. That's correct. And it's actually perfectly located halfway between where you'll be staying and where the track is. You have the place on Wednesday I can get you a DMV appointment on Thursday, so it's halfway between the track and where you got to be. And by Wednesday, June 19th, we'll have you there. Zip, zap, zop. You got it, boss. Adam Carolla as Jay Leno. I got a clip of Jay Leno during when he was deposed. Oh, you do? Yeah. Oh, well, let's hear it. Anal sex God's harrowing reach around in the Duesenberg and his helic. His deposition only lasted seven minutes because he was in wrap it up mode. Can the corporate read back? All right, there we go. We'll be back. Thanks for joining us. Let's get back. See Bernard over there? All right, here we go. Well, that was riveting. Gina Grass as Robin Quivers. The thing that I always remember about Dr. Drew in his narcissism book is the person that scored the highest was Robin Quivers. And she was shit ripped pissed at Drew. Like, how dare you? How dare you? And it's like, this is. This is what? This is why you pegged the narcissism meter? I am not a narcissist. I am the person. I am the most important. I'm the bowels of this show. I keep the show running. Robin, we don't. We're not here. Dr. Drew, I'm sorry. This is not. Not your show. This is Howard's show. And I think that Howard would agree that I am not a narcissist. I think you're the narcissist, Dr. Drew. It's simply a test. It's simply a. It's a yard, Robin. It's a yardstick. We just measure everyone equally with the same yardstick. I don't think there's anything equal about this. I think I was given a different test than everybody else. I'd like a fresh test. I'd like to do this again, because you know what? At the end of the day, I feel persecuted. Doctors, not a bad person. We're not saying that. I feel accused of being a bad person, and I will not put up with this. Let's go to break. Let's go to break. Third love spot to read a pajama gram, maybe. I just. I hope you and I are good. That's all. I just. I'm good. But apparently I'm always good because I'm a narcissist. I know. I consider us friends, and I just hope this isn't going to affect that off the end. Well, we'll see, Dr. Drew. We'll see. On your next appearance, if you ever have one? Insane. That was so good. Thank you. Thank you, adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Even Dr. Phil knows to be like, where did you. Where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Like, even he knows. That's right. Yeah. Three takes. Give three. Yeah, you give three takes. Do we. Do we get it? Okay, one more. Okay. Where did he touch you? Let's just kind of string it together. Not such a big pause in between. Where did he and touch you? Just kind of put them together together. Right. Hold on, Doctor. Oh, sure. Phil. Yeah. Can I call you Phil? Of course. All right, Doctor. We want to get these clean. Great. Where did he. Where did he put it? Where did he. So, Phil, that's too specific. Well, you said there. Put it. Yeah, yeah. In the script we have. Where did he touch you? Great. Well, you know, but sometimes my conversations get little loose and I improv a little. People don't know. I trained at the ground. I understood, but now it's not that time. And I'm not Mindy Sterling. Well, not with that attitude. Where did he touch you? Oh, that's good. There it is. That's three. Let's get three clean. Can I get a smoothie? I may have stepped on that one. Where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Where did. We'll be right back. And Brian Whitman as Jay Leno. I know. You do? Jay Leno. Yeah. But of course. Coming up on the Tonight show tonight, like, we had an incident with Jay Leno the other day where food related. I was gonna bring him some chick fil a. And we came up a little short. The worst moment I've had in recent history is when I was eating my chick fil a burger. Jay had anointed himself the guy. He was Santa Claus. He was going through the sack and handing it out to everybody. And at a certain point, he realized there were no more burgers and no more chick fil A sandwiches. And none for him. Yeah, of course I'm here for you. Hold the mayo. I feel. Yeah, there you go. It's spicy. Spicy. It is. And I'll just sit here and guess I have my own sandwich, ladies and gentlemen. Of course. There's something wrong here. Where's my. Oh, there's certainly been a miscommunication. Where's my. Oh, hey, Jay. You didn't get a sandwich. No chick fil a mayo. Geez. There must be some sort of confusion or mistake here. I definitely ordered for you and your crew, too. Question I Paid the power bill. The screening going okay over there? Oh, yeah. No, we should definitely watch your screening. I mean, I don't want this to affect that at all. No, don't worry about not bringing me food. I know the whole. I know things are kind of tough. The whole Gabrielle Union thing and then now no Chick Fil A. And then of course, a bag of Dorinos wouldn't have been so bad. Ladies and gentlemen. Wow. The only one I can really eliminate is myself. So Julie Lettuce. I really don't know. Dawson, you have a winner. The winner is Adam Ray. Oh, well deserved. That was great. Yeah. Cause his impression was funny and he was super funny. It's a combo. Yeah, it was a combo of him taking that great stand up sense of humor and then layering it on Dr. Phil. All right, so you'll call him out? Dawson, we're moving on to Rant the year. One of the first installments of Rant of the Year. Here we go. Our first nominee for Rant of the year, Tipping and waiters. The bill was $701. And I said, good, 20%. I'll give him 840. So at 701, I round down to $700 because I'm Ebenezer Scrooge and I go, I'll give him a buck 40 on this. And Daniel starts going, ah, come on, come on. Just give him 200 bucks. Give him 200 bucks. And I think there's a couple things. First off, we've been here a grand total of 70 minutes. Like this guy doesn't need to get Mark Garrigo's hourly billable numbers. Number two, this is not the only table this individual has serviced in the hour and 10 minutes we've been here. He's working on four or five other tables. I imagine he's getting a tip from them. He doesn't need to average $200 an hour. He can average 80 bucks an hour and be just fine. And fourthly, fifthly and six. Listen to me. Waiters. Waiters who are not students struggling, trying to get their way through high school, whatever it is. 42 year old waiter guy, you have tapped out of life. You have decided to not possess a skill. You've decided not to get any real training. You don't read architectural plans. You're not a certified cpa. You cannot. You're not a holistic healer. You're not a massage therapist. You don't have your fucking license to drive an 18 wheeler. You have fucking nothing. You've tapped out. You've tapped out. People do this thing all the time. Oh, these guys are hard working. They're noble. No, they're not. They're the biggest fucking losers you ever went to high school with and they fucking tapped out fine. Why does loser guy who has no training except for to bring dishes back and forth or something. You could get a fucking monkey coach up to do in four working days if they just shadowed one of these guys. Why does that guy need to average $120 an hour? Fuck it. I'm not on board with that. That guy's tapped out. Well, seriously, like, I got Shawn at the other shop. He gets 60 bucks an hour. He's a world class fabricator. Like, he's shaping metal and welding and heliarc and tigging and migging and all stuff. Why does the fucking guy have to average more than him for the zero skill? And 20% was a fair. Was a very fair tip. I know. Daniel's is one of those guys. You know those people. I know. I promise I wouldn't do this, but you know those people where they act like something is. You're back to zero. Like, they're kind of the people that go, you know, they go like, you buy something at 700 bucks and then they go, what's another 50 bucks? And it's like for just 50 bucks, it's like. It's not just 50 bucks. It's 700. And now we're talking about 50. I gave the guy 20%. And like, Daniel's just like, whoa, what's wrong with the little whatever? And it's like, we could do that, but we don't have to do that. And if it's your money, have at it. Dan. Yeah, you chip in. But he is going to make what an attorney makes. Walking around this restaurant, Maui, bringing people plates of food is fine with me. All right, the bonus rants we get during this episode of the best. Yes. Best reenactments is our. Our next one. I love a reenactment. The nominees for best reenactment are Adam and Dawson for Cosby recording session. So I was thinking it'd be funny if there was like, some original recordings of this. Dawson, you want to play the engineer in the recording session? Yeah, I'll be Bill Cosby. We're going to record a theme song to the Bill Cosby Show. All right, Bill, take one. You comfortable in that mic there? How's my levels? Great. Okay. Sorry, I don't sound like me. All right, here we go. Take it away, Roofy Quaalude. Dropped him, Patties. Hey, Bill. Fall asleep, girl. Cut for a minute. Yeah, I. I thought I heard you say Quaalude. Roofie. First of all, I'm just. Roofie is. I'm scat. Okay, all right, all right, let's. I'm just scatting. All right, all right. I don't know. Here's my thing. It's a stream of consciousness. I don't know what's coming out of my mind next. You know what I'm saying? You're the boss. I'm just scatting. Okay. Scatter away. Groove. All right, take two, but here we go. Drop the panties, girl. Quaalu, finish the drink now. Chew them panties off. Roofing. Kick a roof. Quailude. All right. Yeah. Hey, Bill, I'm hearing. I'm hearing Quaalude an awful lot in there. Adam and Brian for. Checked out. Drew. Drew. Yeah. What the hell's going on with these politicians, I ask you? Right, Yeah. I mean, it's insane. It's insane. Everybody with their policies. Their policies. What. What's going on with these policies? Crazy. I mean, you think, okay, Joe Biden is against gay marriage in 2011. Now he's for gay marriage. You think that Joe Biden is four. He's actually four. He's evolved on the issue over the last seven years. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Because I feel like I'm out here on a fucking island just. Just paddling in a circle. It's like I'm shouting into an empty mailbox or something. Right, right? Yes. Yes. God damn it, Drew. Thank you for having my back. I just. I appreciate it. You know, I feel like I. I just talk and talk and talk, and it just lands on deaf ears. Right, Right. Yeah. Okay. You know what? Oh, man, it's good to have a team, you know what I mean? Like, I. I feel like. I just feel so vulnerable sometimes, and the fact that you're. You got my back, you know, you got in the military. You got my six, you know what I mean? That's my. That's. That's midnight, you know, 12 straight ahead. My six. You got my back, bro. Sif. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. That felt good. Hey, good talk. Good, good talk. Sometimes I do not Always a good talker. I felt like this was a good. Hold on, Drew. You didn't think this. I felt like this was. Was a good talk, man, and I. I'm sorry. I just needed a purge, man, and I needed. I, I. You know what? You're more than a partner. You're a friend. You know, and Adam and Brian for sex robot 911 call. They said hackers can hack into a robot or. And have full control over arms, legs, other attachments, and in some case, knives or wielding devices. And often these robots can be upwards of £200 and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control. The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots. Can I say this too? It's going to be weird. You know, I've said before, like, Demi Moore had like a situation with some overdosing or like pharmaceuticals or something, and her assistant was like calling in and going, she's. And the 911 operator's going, what did she take? What did she take? She's like, cause I don't want this on TMZ Tomorrow. There's gonna be a part where I'm hiding in my closet and my sex robot is hunting me down and he's using the strap on battering ram, Daryl Gates style penis. Just mashing it through the door. And I'm gonna be like nine months. They're not. Emergency. Yeah, I got emergency over here. I need to send a squad car over. All right, calm down. What's your emergency, sir? By being hunted? My own living room. All right, are you alone? Yeah, but just send somebody over. Is there who? Okay, is there one attacker or multiple attackers? It's one, but just send somebody now. Sending someone now. Channel locks. Do they have a weapon? You know, Pat Benatar says she's not to use sex as a weapon. This is kind of what it's doing. I'm confused. They still have some sort of stabbing device. Okay, hold on. Let me just. They didn't break into the house. They were already in the house. Is this a domestic situation? I live alone, but they're already in the house. Nick's coming through the door. Tell them to bring channel locks and, oh, jumper cables. Is this person's name Dick? No. Just bring jumper cables. Bring jumper cables. I'll take you on aaa. Yeah, I'll tell you what's not happening. Not being hunted by a sex robot. Wow. It's funny you forget about all those things. Not at all. God. What? What reenactment? Oh, somebody tweeted me that they wanted the. I don't know if. I guess they didn't make it, but they liked the 10cc. Oh, yeah, the band name, Jizz Eagles. Like the idea that we had to put Jizz in front of every band name or something. That was. I do remember that as Being fun. Did Jizz Eagles like the guys? Like, what about the Eagles? Oh, okay. Yeah, we could do the Jizz Eagles. I don't know. God, it's so funny. Cause you just talk so much and it all gets captured, and then we relive it. Dawson, who wins? Let's see if we can get an acceptance speech here. The winner is. Checked out Dr. Drew. Oh, I'd love to hear a few words from Dr. Drew. Drew, I know this is an honor. I know you've had many prestigious awards over the years, but. But obviously, this is the biggest, right? Yeah. Okay, so we have a capacity crowd here. They're all sort of sitting on the edge of the seat, and I want to know, really, what's it feel like to win an award? This. I mean, what's it. What's running through you right now? Emotionally crazy. No, it's crazy. All right, so obviously you're over the moon. You're going to be out celebrating tonight. Let's not have you end up in celebrity rehab with all the partying and celebrating after tonight. Right, Drew? Right. Right. All right. Thank you very much. That's very hard. Passion. It struck a chord with everyone because clearly he was checked out. That's. He was obviously doing something else. Right? Song of the year, number one. We have multiple songs, Right? All right, so this is the first entry. Our first nominee for song of the year for 10 years. Get it on, get it off. Get it off the air, doggy. Well, this is our last show. I still remember the day I thought you go, end of the morning show. KLS sex was gone. We're gonna cry, we're gonna laugh. He's gonna vomit. You swore you'd start another talk show soon. You put it out on itunes. Can't imagine it'd still be on a decade down the road. For 10 years, you never shut your trap. You never cease to. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 14 years you bitched about whitey with a checkbook. Come on down for your raping. We can't feed them boys sticky rice on ACS. 14 years, I wake up every morning and I say a cheer for myself. I've never known a day I didn't hear. There is no God. Your voice in my ear. I'm God talking up a storm. You must stop fucking up. We'll fire your ass. I own all of you. But four years, you paid them all instead of showing them the. I own the fucking building. 10 years on your mom and dad. My room was a porn. Their parenting was bad. Your childhood was feel so Sad you're not a Jew. 14 years. Complained about the nails, the takeout that she gets, and racking up your debts. I'm drinking. Woman on ACS. 14 years, everyone under 40 is an asshole. 14 years, you whined about your kids, those spoiled little shits. You're fucked. If OGR quits. Oh boy, you're screwed. 14 years, daddy's drunk. You've hated bean pop. Natalia, what's the top to stop? Just hope Johnny is up top. All AC for 10 years. Do we all have to talk about diversity or can we just talk about traffic? Hey, taxpayers unite. Nobody. Safety. Safety, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety. Human being, hear me roar. Go eat a 10 gallon dick for 10 years. Red Arrows at left turns, the cash that Oprah earns. The spelling of those words you didn't learn meow or something. You know, 10 years, you podcast every day. You have so much to say. If I had my way, you'll get it on 10 more years. I'll do it for free and would do it for free. And we'll start doing it for free on Monday when I begin podcasting. Wow. Dick Banks. Thanks everybody. You make fun of Kenny Rogers, but I love that song. Sweet. It's a great, great song. When you have kids, sit down and listen to it with them. All right, best invention coming up. I have so much to say in between everything, but I'm stifling myself because we got a big party to attend and we have so much show plan. Well, there's already people eating barbecue all. But it's all right. We're here for 10 years because you talk. Ooh. Dawson. Shut the fuck up. Dawson. Burning daylight, Dawson. I like that. All right, I'll make notes for the first show, but I will say that last night I was over at the whatever party house with like Jon Stewart and Jimmy and everyone for the live Jeffersons. Oh, not the Jeffersons. All in the family. And I think good times. Was it good times? Yeah, I think it was good times. And all the people were there and all the A listers were there and had a good old time. Although I had to wake up at 6:45 and drive Natalia to school this morning. And then as I was dropping her off with a throbbing headache, I drank a ton. Last night I got the call. I forgot my water. Turn around, go back. All right, I'll get in all that in the new year. The next category is best invention. The nominees for best invention are. Welcome Matt Scale. Well, if someone would invent my welcome Matt Scale, we could avoid the Embarrassing confrontation. It disables the ring doorbell as soon as it says. Every once in a while there's a little confusion because you're like, say to your wife, how come my bowling ball hasn't arrived? I ordered it months ago. And it's like, oh, sorry. The guy must have been holding it while she was. Your wife's outside holding groceries. I've been ringing the doorbell for hours. You gotta set it down on the st. Right? You know, come on. So you're drunk. There should be a cable channel called so you're drunk and you then punch in your age. So you're drunk. Because it wouldn't be the same thing if you were 26. As it is with my age, 54, right. But I got home, I was drunk and I turned on the TV at like 12:45 and it was the scene for the Titanic where. Sorry, not the Titanic, the Titan adventure where Gene Hackman is hanging on the valve. He's wearing his priest, Kai. He's like, have you had enough lives yet, Lord? Have you taken enough? Have you had. And I was buzzed. I was like, this is the greatest thing ever. There should be a channel called I'm buzzed. That's a wonderful movie, by the way. We put in your age where, what region you're born in. Just the quarter handful of likes. You like sports, you like action, whatever it is. And it start. The programming is from midnight to 4am on Friday and Saturday. That's it. And we just show and we just go to parts of movies that you sort of remember liking when you were 14. That's great. Google, you write. I got a good app which is just called Google, you write. And we've all experienced a heartache. Like I got in an argument with a guy once. Like, we've all. We all just get in a stupid argument. We have stupid arguments. And now the bet gets settled. We've all been in that position where it's like, God damn it, I knew I'm right about something. And this is. It'll just agree with you. It's an app you put on your phone, Gina. You can have a dead ringer. It'll come out, it'll word it exactly right. You can have that satisfaction. You can even show it to people you're arguing with. But if they're gonna start asking, is that from Google you write, or regular Google, but it'll feel good. Double doorbell. Two things. I don't know if this has been invented, but can we invent it? And we need this invention now that we're in the era of. I was in my essentially what is my basement yesterday. And of course I heard the doorbell and. Which is the front door is not very close to where I am, which is a first world problem. And the doorbell rings and I have this fleeting thought and I thought we now need two doorbells. We now like the toilets that have the number one and the number two button on the top there. We now need a doorbell that just has a drop off courtesy and I am waiting here. Oh, I want to know the difference. Yeah, that's good. I'd just have a doorbell like I think I would have a standard slightly oversized button like the size of a quarter that was in the middle was a doorbell. And underneath it I'd have a doorbell that was more the size of a button. And it just said delivery drop off a delivery just thing. And you just push that bottom one. Okay. And we all know that's good. All right. Like those toilets with a double button. Yeah, yeah. Where you been? Yeah, I just said that. Oh, sorry. That's good. No, it's a good thought. The two drop, one drop. Remember when you have a good thought. Yeah, I'm just. My thought, I'm just hammering it in. And gyno dogs. There used to be a place by the Van Nuys courthouse. There was a small shack. It was a hot dog stand. It was called Law Dog. Good. And you would go there and you would get hot dogs and they would also give legal advice. You got a law dog clip? Law Dog, Yeah. There's line up at Law Dogs to get a healthy serving of help. The dogs cost about A$50. The advice is free. Jesus. Hold on. Oh, right. Write this down. By the way I'm looking next, man. Gyno dogs. I'm looking to expand my business a little bit again. Probably limit it to six, eight days a week. You know, that's not. But line up as long as you want. Line it up, ladies. See how this goes? How is this not a Netflix show? Obviously we keep the dogs away from the stirrups. Not some kind of weirdo. Right? You don't use the speculum to get the hot dogs out of the water. Yeah, we have a pony wall in between where the hot dogs are kept. It's not a full height, but it's a pony wall in between and the stirrups. And do you just wrap the patient in butcher paper instead of the gap the paper gown? No, we just. It's. It's. Again, I'm not a weirdo. We do it like it's a regular gynecologist office. Except for I have no training. Just like regular, except I have no training. All right, who could it be? Wow. Best invention, Dawson. The winner is the new cable TV channel. So you're drunk. That's fair. I would watch that. Oh, come on. They could show clips from, like, bad 80s titties movies and things like that. It's all porkies and Face Off Again. Depends how old you are. Sure. Could be dirty rotten scoundrels for a certain generation, right? It's the Goonies. Mason Dixon Line. To me and Dr. Drew. Goonies means nothing if you're 41. It means everything. But to me and Brian, it means everything. Right, Brian? Exactly. I can't get enough of Goonies. I was fortunate enough to see it later in life and I was like, what the the is this shit? Right? But if you saw it at 14 in the theater, you're fucking in and you come home at 41. Buzzed. They have specialty weekends too. Like tonight, from midnight to 4, we're only playing Super Troopers. Oh, and if they did, if they showed shows like Battle the network stars, like from the 70s and then my fucking head would explode. If I was drunk and it was 1:45 in the morning. All right, second Rant of the Year. Our second nominee for Rant of the Year, Mayor Garcetti. Commencement speech. But to the graduates, I say, you belong to usc, but USC now belongs to you. You belong to Los Angeles, but Los Angeles belongs to you. You belong to this world, but this world also belongs to you. That's when this campus has been at its best. That is when we, as human beings are at its best. My wish is that you never feel that you don't belong. And that you, in turn, never let anyone else feel that either. What the fuck is he talking about? You belong? Come on, Pat Fucking Benatar. Did you get the traffic going, dude? Wow, that's good. These. I am so. I know. I'm a heartless robot from the bowels of hell. I don't know what people are fucking talking about. I just don't know what they're talking about. Like, when you belong and I belong, we belong. Then we belong. And we're at our best when we all belong. So reach out. Reach out to those who don't belong. Lend a hand to those who don't have a hand, who don't. Who do want to belong but can't belong. Find those in your community who don't belong and ask them to join you in belonging. Because together, by the way. I just. I don't fucking listen to anyone who says. Because together. Together we belong to the night, we belong to the night. So together we're stronger Together we belong. And if together we set our hearts and our minds Hearts and our belonging minds Hearts and our minds belong to our hearts and our hearts belong to our minds. And you belong to the campus of Cal State Northridge, and Cal State Northridge belongs to you. And we belong to Northridge, and Northridge belongs to the San Fernando Valley. And then the San Fernando Valley belongs to Los Angeles, incorporated in parts of Santa Monica. If we feel we all belong together, then we're all stronger when we belonger. Douche. I don't know what you're saying. Get the fucking traffic and the homeless fixed, would you please? He's such a. Is that the fucking guy you want running your city? I don't even know what he's saying. I'm sure somebody who makes scented candles wrote that for him and went, here, just read this shit. It's a fucking platitude that means nothing. You should be telling these people to get the to work. It's all the graduation card. Jesus. I am. I'm honestly confused by most conversations I hear from adults now, especially when they take the podium. I don't know, like all the feelings based stuff, I don't know what I'm supposed. For me, I want some marching orders. Like, I want someone to go do 10 push ups a day and then see if you can get it to 15 the next week. But this sort of just good vibe platitude thing, I don't know what it is, but I'm like. And I don't know why people respond to it. Well, unlike everybody else, you call it out instead of being like, uh huh, no, I totally get it. Because you don't want to be the person that doesn't get it. Even though it's insane. When you hear like Alyssa Milano going, I fight for everybody, it's like, that doesn't mean anything to me. Then who are you fighting against and what's going on? And what do you mean and? You're sending out tweets. It's crazy, but it's sort of like, I don't know, it's like a really shitty hall and Oates song. I have no idea that this many people would respond positively to nothing. It's nothing. What is there to respond to? All right, we'll take a quick break. We have Caller of the Year, Interview of the Year and more right after this. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew. The last word of 2019. A frozen pork chop, a paint roller, beef stew, a catfish, a kayak, a street sweeper, Soapy's coin, laundromat, summer sausage, Easter ham, Hoss, avocados, Hot pockets, a propane tank, his disc, disability paperwork, lunchables, a T shirt cannon, a dirt bike, a flea market, a machete, the Bible, a Chewbacca costume, a suitcase full of cats. Thank you, Alcoa, for your continued sponsorship, and stay tuned for more in 2020. Definitely not a juice Dawson knocking it out of the ballpark. So is Brian's favorite part of the fucking population. His disability paperwork. So good. All right, let's see. Oh, get a little wine for the holidays. My ride on red. Pinot Noir. Grapes grown in Oregon. Better than anything you could get at a grocery store. And right now you can go to rightonred.com, use the promo code Adam and get free shipping. How about that? Say hi to Lynette over there. Corolla drinks. Get some good wine for the house this holiday season. Right on, red. All right, moving into our second song of the year. And again, this is a treat for us because give me $1 million and $1 million, and I have no recollection of what this next song would be. So here we go, Dawson. Our second nominee for song of the year. You rich banks, like Band Aid, the Concert for Bangladesh, and We Are the World. On one special day, after a taping of the Adam Carolla show, the employees gathered to sing a message of hope, love, and an expression of pain for victims of harassment. Chris, Gary, Dylan, Matt, Brian, Kaylin, Gina and me. This one's for us. And by us, there is a guy who likes to write some songs. He's the guy whose name is Rich Banks. The songs are insulting. Oh, to every one of us. And now, Rich, we have a song for you. We won't stand by listening to you say that I'm dumb, incompetent and gay I don't like songs about my great big memories and my dumps the size of manatees. Fuck you, Rich Banks. We are your victims we aren't the ones you sing the songs about so go suck a dick Just hear what we're saying. Tired of your. Next time you want to write a song, go yourself, you rich things. We are your victims we are your victim we're all victims we are the ones you sing the songs about so go suck a d Suck about one cheat you. Hey, move. They don't like you either. Could stand to lose 15, 20. If you don't mind me saying, you slob, this is what you do for a living. Make mean songs about other people. Have some dignity already. You have a child, for Christ's sakes. Strong entry. Yeah, strong Shaq. All right, let's in fact never play this again. We have our third entry in Rant of the Year. Next, our third nominee for Rant of the Year, Berkeley. Gender neutral language. So Berkeley voted to ban some gender specific words in its city code and replace them with gender neutral options. And now there is a giant list of words that will no longer be used in, you know, government documents. So in the maintenance world, in the construction world. Manhole is out. Maintenance hole is in. Man made out. Human made in. Manpower out. Human effort in. My favorite. Pregnant woman out. Pregnant employee in. So what you get out of Berkeley is dudes thinking like chicks. And that's where the city's gonna go off the fucking rails. That's how it works. Guys think in a way that's a little more pragmatic. Gets the bridges built, gets the skyscrapers built. Women do other things, have other skills. It's a different skill set. We are different. That is good. That what you want. We are trying to somehow blur that. Blurring it doesn't help. It doesn't work. And that's why this thing's turning into a shit show. All the guys are scared to say anything because they're fucking coward pussies. And they're just going the chick route. Everyone thinks that's everything. That's chick think is an evolution. That's all an evolution. All dude think that's us looking in the rear view and going the other direction. That's fucking retarded. I'm not down with it. I've never been fucking down with it. This is not evolution. This is fucking retardation. It's all done by the same group of fucking pussies. It's a group of guys who can't fight, they can't fuck, they can't win, they couldn't play a fucking sport. So they have decided that this is where we should be going. There is no end. There is no end. These ass wipes. These pussies. What's this pussy's name? Riggle. Robinson. What? Get out of here. He's a muppet. He's 23. Yeah. And he grew up in the fucking belly of the beast. He's a pussy. And this is not. This is just the beginning of his list of things to do. He's gonna keep going and he won't fucking rest until he tells you what to do. Every fucking turn of the way, he's gonna correct you. He's gonna fix you. And eventually, by the way, his these suggestions are gonna become mandates and then laws, and then people are gonna start getting shit canned. Just had a chick in England lose her gig because of some sort of, I don't know, gender, sex, whatever, and she got fired. And then they sort of, I don't know, J.K. rowlings or something sort of backed her up. Now she's fucking getting raked over the goals. Like this doesn't end in. We'll agree to disagree. It ends in, you're going to the fucking cornfield without. That's how it ends. It doesn't end with, well, you have your opinion. I have my opinion. No, no. It ends with, I'm in control and you're out of a fucking job. You're on the wrong side. That's how this ends. Which is interesting because it's the fucking hypocrite assholes that never stop talking about McCarthy who now want to do this. Sorry, is this rant four? I'm sorry, but it really is like, really. So if someone disagrees with this fucking notion you came up with 10 minutes ago and now we're not allowed to work anymore? 23 year old fuck bag. Okay, that's how you want it? He who hates McCarthyism, this is your plan? Very interesting. I love that that's the pitch. All we do is fucking rail against McCarthyism and now this. Okay. Seems inconsistent to me. All right. Say the least. And also, what the fuck do you know when you're under 25? What did you guys really know under the age of 25 other than what your favorite burrito was at Del Taco? And what you know is usually wrong. Conspiracy theory. Is this a way for college students to clear the way so there are more jobs when they get out of school? Smart. I hope so. I hope so. All right. Interview of the Year. Oh, boy. No idea. Here we go. The nominees for Interview of the Year are. Ted Nugent. I've had, you know, I had a couple beers. I'm 70 this year, and I had a beer in 59. My band, the Royal High Boys in Detroit, played a fraternity party at the University of Detroit. It was a pool party and somebody had some Pabst Blue Ribbons and everybody else was drinking and I was thirsty and my, my dad had caught me, he'd have shoved that bottle so far up my ass. But I had a couple of Pabst Blue Ribbons and Got a little tipsy, but I haven't. Well, I had one other in 74 when I was grouse hunting and I was really thirsty, and I went to my buddy's ranch in Northern Michigan, and it was hot, and he had a. A beer that had. Was yellow. Miller. Miller Highlight, Maybe something like Corona. Corona, Corona. I don't think they invented it. And it was cold, and I got to tell you, it was delicious. And I've always said, my. My brothers, my sister, my band, my crew, all my friends, we have campfires now, drink beers, and I have a little wine, no problem. I just don't. I just think drooling and puking and stumbling is not a party. Well, you were living it. I mean, in the late 60s and in the mid-60s and late 60s, when everyone was just a goddamn mess with the drugs out trying to perform, were you thinking to yourself, I don't want to go out on stage that way? Well, I can transfer you to the question I posed eternally so since the 60s. Well, Ted, you know, you're right there in the epicenter of the drugs and alcohol and the world of rock and roll. Amboy Dukes. How did you avoid the temptation to get high and stoned and all that? And I went the same way. I avoided the temptation to stab myself in the dick with an ice pick. It looked like a really stupid idea because everybody was drooling and stumbling and falling and dying, and they forgot the songs, and I couldn't wake them up to get to the gig. This is desirable wear. So my dad's ultra militant disciplining finally had an indicator in a pragmatic world that I was intent on safeguarding my music. So I just figured the only way to play James Brown and Wilson Pickett songs accurately was to be clean and sober and take good care of yourself. Plus, I hunt with a bow and arrow, and if you're stoned, you're gonna end up buying chicken. And so I really wanted to. The song's cocked, locked, and ready to rock. It's not just a phrase. It's really how I live my life. Dog the Bounty Hunter. I didn't know that you were in prison yourself. For sentence to five years? Yes, sir, in the 70s. Texas. What? Can you tell us the story behind that and that you became the warden's barber? Well, I was a member of the Devil's Disciples Motorcycle club out of Texas, Colorado, Arizona, nationwide. I was sergeant of arms at 17. Wow. So one night we pulled up to do a drug deal, and one of my brothers went inside to buy it. And when you say brothers. Brothers in biker games. Yeah. Not biological brothers. No. Right, okay. And as they started talking, he pulled out a shotgun and said, just give me all of it. And the guy grabbed the gun so it went off and hit him in the shoulder. So he came running outside and said, you know, I've been. He was. We could hear the shot. He was bleeding. His name was Don. He was bleeding. And the shotgun, the bottom piece wasn't on. So when it went off, it cut his hand. On the way to the hospital, he said, I hit him in the shoulder. And I go, what hit who? And so I dropped. They dropped me off my house. I went back over to the house, saw the police bringing him out. He was alive. And in the morning, 6am, it said, Dwayne Dog Chapman, Devil's Disciples are being sought for the murder of Jerry Oliver in Pampa, Texas. Last night, my whole world changed. How long were you in prison? Eight, 18 months of a five year sentence. The warden I became, I elevated myself to warden's barber. Because that guy you didn't want to beat up because he was a warden's barber and the guards barber. And when girls had come to visit their husband, you had to be looking good. The warden. Right. So you didn't touch the warden's barber. So I noticed that. So I elevated myself to be that. And then I was inmate counselor because I had guys walk up, say, dog, how you spell wood? And I said, W, E, Z. And they're like, thank you. And I'm like, what are you writing? Let me help you. And then when their people died, an inmate's mom or dad died, I was the one that had to go tell them, you know, you just. Anybody with the mother still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Willie. I said, warden, that's not the way to do it. Let me do it. Wow. And Brian Ryan Banks, what prison did you go to? Man, I jumped around. I started off Kern county, which is Delano State Prison. From there I went to cmc, which is in San Luis Obispo, which is a maximum security prison. Then my points, classified to a lower security level. And then paroled from crc, which is in North Corona. How much time do you spend incarcerated? Angry or just going? Like, I. I find that when people do things that are not nearly this egregious to me, I just go, why? What? What? Like, how could she do this? How could she be. She's in a movie right now eating popcorn, and I'm in a blocked in a cell why? How? Like how much of your time? Or did you get filled philosophical and get past it or like what did you do? Anger was who I. You know, being an angry person is what I became. You know, for a long period of time while being incarcerated, just knowing that the system had failed me, that my lawyer didn't really fight for me. But there was no evidence to prove that this, this case even happened. But here I was in prison with a six year sentence. I was extremely angry. And then I realized that all the neck that the anger that I had towards of people that I felt were responsible, they probably didn't care, more than likely didn't know how I felt. So this anger was simply for me. I was doing the job for the people that put me behind bars. I was destroying myself with this negative energy. And so I had to make a change. I had this epiphany one day which is kind of shown in the movie, realizing that I may not be in control over the things that are happening in my life, but I am in control over me while going through these unwanted experiences. And so just every day that the fight and the struggle began or became to be in control of my emotions and not allow my emotions to control me. I may not be in control over what's happening in my life, but I am in control of how I respond to it. Wow, that was harrowing. Lots of good stuff there. All right, Dawson, who won that thing? Well, he did 18 months of a five year sentence, but he will serve life as the winner of the 2019 ACE Award of Interview of the Year. Dog the Bounty Hunter. Wow. Snatch from the Motor City Madman. Everyone, God, everyone has a story. You start really getting into all these guys. They all have a story. All right, number four, Rant of the year. Our fourth nominee for rant of the year, Chase Bank Monday Motivation. I was telling you about Chase bank and they're completely innocuous. Save your money. Don't go, you know, make a cup of coffee. Don't buy it. Stepped out of line right there. They were called, it was poor shaming. They claimed they were poor shaming. But Elizabeth Warren went on a sort of political rant. But what initially started it was representative out of Orange county just basically said, you're poor shaming. So Chase is merely saying, you can read it again. Gina. They're merely saying, you want some more money saved. This would hold this in your savings account. No matter who engaged in this behavior, then you engage in this behavior. You can. Sorry, you can read it. One, the original Chase Street. It's between you and your bank account. You. Why is my balance so low? Bank account. Make coffee at home. Bank account. Eat the food that's already in the fridge. Bank account. You don't need a cab. It's only three blocks. You. I guess we'll never know. Bank account. Seriously. And so Chase apologizes. They don't mean to apologize. And Elizabeth Warren gets her thong back in a knot. But she's not angry either. She doesn't care that they told him to save money. She's grandstanding and Chase is grandstanding in a negative way. But they're apologizing. And so both are doing what they do. But I read some of the comments below it and I was. This podcaster was shocked and appalled and I read that you have some of them. Right? All right, go ahead and read some of those. All right, so I'm just going to start from the top because here was my thought. My thought is, I know what Chase is doing, I know what Elizabeth Warren is doing and representative whomever is doing. But surely people understand what's going on and go, hey, give him a break. So you make your own coffee and save a few bucks. I wish my wife did more of that or something. But people's comments, and this is the jump the shark moment in our country's history is what making fun of their lower income customers. What a great bank to never, ever deal with. Making fun of. Mm. I live my entire life this way where people go, you know how it must feel, Adam, when you. I go, it shouldn't feel like anything. I'm telling you how to get better. I'm telling you what to do. I'm just giving you a roadmap. But you have to hear what it sounds like coming from you. Coming from the rich guy who's figured everything out. Okay, it sounds like something. I don't know what it sounds like. How about it just sounds like, here's a good idea for you. Could it just sound like that? Or it sounds to me like they're saying, save yourself some money on coffee and food and travel. Yeah, that's what it sounds like to me. All right. But it sounds like something else to everybody else. People are getting atrophied in their brain or something. Like what? Like what it sounds like. I hear that. I do hear, like what it must sound like. And I'm like, I've never cared what anything sounds like. These are either works or it doesn't work or makes sense or it doesn't make sense. It's weird. Like being judged all the time. Like, you think Chase is judging you? They're telling you how to save money, you fucks and goddamn politicians. Fuck you. What is this bitch's name who's out of like Orange county and she's. Fuck. God damn. What a piece of shit she is. You know, it's just. Fucking Christ. Just go do something, would you? It reminds me of when I first started working for you at klsx and I bought a package of bread, some mayonnaise and some bologna and brought it to work every day. And I made myself bologna sandwiches so I didn't spend money. Yeah, and you told me, Dawson, you're getting paid pretty well here. Dude, why don't you leave the baloney at home? The opposite of Chase Bank. Yeah, get some fucking salami, prosciutto yourself something a little better. God, I don't know. When's the last time anyone ate a piece of bologna? Two days ago. Oh, Jesus. That's some Brian level shit. Point shooting. Like when I was. When I was 13, I was like, fuck this. It seemed weird at 13. Represented Katie Porter. Thank you, hero. Now shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ, just fucking do something with a road in a school and fucking figure out a way to trap rainwater, would you? Instead of showboating all the time. All right. Anyway, where the hell were we? Oh, we got another song. And we got another song. Number three. Here we go, our third nominee for song of the year. The Alan Parsons Project. Macaroni and cheese Thanksgiving mashup. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you, you. But guess what? Since you up the macaroni and cheese, you're cleaning up all this by yourself, Junior Dejana nor me are gonna help you clean up macaroni and cheese. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you. Macaroni cheese. We told you don't put that in macaroni, but you insist on putting it macaroni cheese. So since you won't do things your damn way, we gonna do our way. Macaroni and cheese. We get ready to go upstairs and go to sleep while you clean up all this for Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you. But guess what? Macaroni and cheese. This ain't fair that we couldn't even get a decent thing about cheese. We gotta wait to go back to Goose F Karen to make us some damn macaroni and damn cheese. Macaroni and cheese or you decided to do some you didn't seen off the damn Internet? Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. You experiment by your damn self. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you. Macaroni cheese before forever. Hell, don't try it with us. We don't want that macaroni and cheese. Aunt car gave you the damn recipe but you chose to do on your own. Macaroni and cheese. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. Since you up the macaroni and cheese. You experiment by your damn self. Macaroni cheese. Up the macaroni cheese. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. We told you don't put that in macaroni but you insist on putting it Macaroni cheese. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. So since you won't do things your damn way, we gonna do our way. Macaroni and cheese. We get ready to go upstairs and go to sleep. Sleep. Since you up the macaroni cheese. Since you up the macaroni cheese. But guess what? This ain't fair. And we couldn't even get a decent thing of macaroni cheese. Macaroni cheese. We gotta wait to go back to Gold for auntie car to make us some damn macaroni and damn cheese. Macaroni cheese. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. Cause you decided to do some. You didn't see about the damn Internet. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. Since you up the macaroni cheese. Macaroni cheese. Hell, don't try it with us. We don't want that. Auntie Carrie gave you the damn recipe but you chose to do on your own. Macaroni and cheese. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. You experiment by your damn self. Since you fucked up the macaroni and cheese. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you. I want to travel with this woman because, like, when I order huevos rancheros and they bring me a breakfast burrito, or Mike gets a club sandwich, a blt, they bring him a chicken burger. I want fucking her standing there yelling at the fucking waitress. Right. She would back you 100%. Oh, God damn. Alan Parsons is touring in 2020. Wow. Trying to get her on the bill. If he's coming to the Greek, we're going. Dawson. There are some Los Angeles shows. We shall make it happen. All right, let's see. We have Caller of the year. The nominees for Caller of the Year are. Bernie, you came out to being bisexual to your mom. Yes. Right. And then you've decided to head the chapter of the bisexual community or group on campus. Yeah. Well, the whole lgbt. You get to run the whole thing. And you're only half gay. That's why she was Outraged. Jesus Christ. I don't know if they have principles. Yeah, I mean, it'd be like if Lenny Kravitz took over the naacp. It's like, come on, buddy. Yeah, you got a white dad. Give me a break. Very Jewish dad. Yeah. Think you run this whole place? Come on, Bernie, I'm only vice president. Oh, that makes sense. But if something should happen to the president, like they blow up his motorcade or something, you gotta go full lesbo before you slide into that Oval Office. Can you take that oath? Yeah. Take the oath now. All right, so what do you guys do? How often do you meet? Where? And do you need a guest speaker? We meet every Thursday in one of the quad buildings, and we have been looking for a guest speaker recently, so. Okay. Riverside live show. Do you have any of the minutes from the last meeting? Like, what do you guys cover? Well, right now we're trying to organize a drag show. I love it. A drag show. Now, is this top fuel? Funny cars? This is alcohol. What kind of drag show are we talking about here? Pro stock. I don't speak your language. Tell me every meeting. Isn't it rag show? How dare you. Okay, so you're trying to organize. So you're trying to heal the community by nut jobs dressing up in bolos and stomping around? I'm sorry, but Visa Gold doing Material Girl is one of the most inspiring things I ever saw on my college campus. Maybe the community shall be healed. All right, you want to think about feeding the homeless or nothing like that. Just let's all. Let's all put on some kissing potion and mince a bath, okay? I'm saying, aren't you guys supposed to be up for this program? Well, aren't you supposed to be helping the community? What's the drag show gonna do? Are you gonna raise money? Give it to somebody? Yeah, I think it's to raise money. Okay. All right. But not to buy frilly things. What's that? Okay. All right. So. All right. And how many folks are in the meeting? I think it's about 20 or 30 of us. Okay. And your mom is not happy that you've turned political? No, he said that if I end up being with a girl, that no guy will ever want to date me ever again. Oh, I beg to. Hi. Let me talk to your mom. Gary. Gary, 34, wants parenting advice. Oh, boy. Yeah, guys, big fan. Yeah, man. Any. Any thoughts for a first time father to be? Well, General, I'm. I'm. I'm famous for saying this on Loveline, which Is if you're calling in and asking, you're fine. Anyone is actually concerned. Yeah. Going out of the way to get information. That means you're calling podcast. Maybe not, but you're going to be a good, you're going to be a good parent. Plus I see on the screen, Gary, you're 34, you're in LA, you waited, I'm assuming you waited a while to have kids intentionally. Yeah, certainly by design. Wanted to get established. Just so we're clear, 34 is waiting a while for the overall country. That's coincidence. So wonder if the average age of a first time parent, it's gotta be 23, 22 nationally. Yeah. Probably goes up a lot more. That's going up a lot more in la, New York. Hey, so Gary, boy or girl? Boy. Good, good. Jesus. See, it's well done. It's easier. It's easier. Hey Gary. Yeah. What do you do? Podcast production. Production. Oh, that's Gary. That was a very cool. That is a very cool twist. Good for you, my friend. Wait, how come we didn't recognize his voice? He sounded confident. I don't know, I wasn't even, I wasn't even disguising it. I know you weren't even. Sorry. You weren't even disguised it. Put Gary, put Gary on hold. Gary, we'll get back to you. I have our own mission here to deal with. Appreciate that. Oh my God. Oh God. I need a space. That was a nice reveal. That was a great. That was a great reveal. I had to. That was awesome. And Nicholas Cage, different reasons why I work so much. Yes. Some of it is definitely financial. Other things are, you know, I don't do very well when I don't have some, a job to do. You know, sometimes I'll, I can I get kind of anxious or. It's like, like a working dog. Like if you have a Doberman and you don't exercise a dog, he's going to get hyperactive. And so I think that I need work to stay on balance. I'm much more, I'm healthier, I'm working now and I'm, I'm more careful with my, my well being. And the other thing is that by working I'm staying in shape as an artist, if you will, if I can use that word, my instrument, which is my body and my voice. Wowee. Kazawi Dawson, you have a winner to announce. It should be said, two points that number one. This is our second nomination in as many years from Bernie. We look forward to hearing from Bernie in 2020. Nicolas Cage also just dialed the telephone, just called the show. Our winner for caller of the year is. Gary. Yay. And here he is with a little baby. I can't believe it was this year. It's an honor. And now here he is with me live in studio. Look at that pumpkin. The Fresh Prince. Wow. He's being very good. Right? Right now. Catch your eyes. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. Well, thank you, Ace Awards and thank you, everyone. I appreciate it. We love you. We love you, Joya. Oh, it's beautiful. God, I can't take that face. Feeling good. All right, we have our fifth rant of the year. Number five rant of the year. Our fifth nominee for rant of the year, Gillette and Toxic Masculinity. These are two five year olds. Rough housing on a lawn, at a barbecue. That's what boys do. That's what they do. I sure as help. We don't break out in another war or need another bridge or another skyscraper. We are guys wrestle with other guys. That's what they do on a lawn, at a barbecue. No brass knuckles, no weapons, no throwing punches. This notion that the dad is like, hey, you don't do that. Yes, you do. That's all you do. If you get rid of that, we're in trouble. But I'm gonna take it outside. They're outside. Outside, they're at a picnic. Yeah, Take these two fucking kids, get them a fucking crossword puzzle and let them sit in the corner and struggle with their sexuality. And you tell me when the depression starts to kick in. There's all this. And go ahead and get them some. Get them some ADD medication or some Ritalin. Ritalin or whatever it is. Because that boys need to get out. They need to move, they need to have contact. They need to rough house. This isn't by the way, these guys are so pissed poor at making a point. Which is these are two kids that are five years old and that are clearly friends that are just sort of scrapping around and wrestling on a lawn at a barbecue. And one's not attacking the other. There's no reason to separate. There's no reason to separate them. Because the boys watching today will be the men of tomorrow. No, they'll be the fucking pussies of tomorrow. There will be no men. They're not gonna be the men. There's just gonna be two fucking creatures living in the same domicile. Oh, fuck you, Gillette. Fuck you. You're creating a big old sack of fucking worthless pussies. And we're gonna be fucked. It's funny, I went to the hand doctor yesterday cause both my hands are fucked up. I see Don Elwhy on TV talking about the non surgical, you know, but affix the finger. Yeah. So if you look at my hand, the furthest I can get my pinky out is, you know, basically 90 degrees angle. I can't do it. I have like gross and cysts and. But the missing finger trick is really easy, right? I'm fucked up, my knuckles are fucked up, my hands are fucked up. And I was in the kitchen the other day and I was explaining to Sonny, your dad's hands are fucked up. Your dad has a high threshold for pain. My hands hurt, but I don't really talk about that much. But they are jacked up and it's starting to fuck up. When I shake hands, it gets pushed in. It's hard to drive a race car and blah, blah, blah. You're not selling this masculinity thing to him really? I said to him, I said to him, he said, well, why are your hands fucked up? And I said, because I boxed my whole life. I did construction my whole life. I played football my whole life. I did a bunch of hands on shit and that's why my hands are fucked up. And he said, was it worth it? And I said, we're standing in the house, that's seven and a half million dollars because I went out and did this shit my whole life. So yes, it was worth getting fucked up hands to get this life. But yes, your hands will get fucked up along the way. And there's a sort of brain version of that and a body version of that. But yes, you go out there and use your hands and punch a bag for a while and do some construction and do whatever, your hands will get fucked up. It's gonna catch up. But my dad is 89 and his fucking hands are fine. How fucking pristine. He could model new out of the box. He could do modeling for Isotoner, mint condition, mint condition hands. His hands are fine. He lives in a shitbox and he's waiting for his trumpet to show up that I'm gonna purchase for him. And my hands are fucked up. So just think about that when you're thinking about putting your hands on another five year old, provided you're five and you're wrestling. That's right. By the way, do you have a double jointed thumb and am I just seeing this for the first time? Nah, I don't, I don't. Look at that right one. I Don't. I don't think so. Look at how far back that goes. I never thought. I never thought about it. But I am normal. It's not. It is. Brian, make your thumb do something. No, you don't make your thumb do something. Not even close. Yeah, make my thumb sideshow. You mean on the. On the. That. Oh, that's gross. Never mind. Yeah, Brian could do it too. That's gross. All right. Sorry. Just diminish your accomplishment. No, you had. Well, I thought you come as you go. I thought my stupid pinky that can't straighten out. I thought maybe I could overcompensate with my thumb, but evidently no. Could you straighten the pinky, like if you like forced it, or is it hard as more a splint? No, you can try. I don't want to. I want. You can. It won't move. Like my pinky is facing down and I can't straighten it. I can't straighten it. Cyst and whatever. And I gotta get injections and stuff like that. All right, let's see. We got a break then. Coming up, we have best musical moment. We have most uncomfortable moment. So much. Coming up right after this. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to Betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with bet online. Bet online. The game starts here at the technical and creative arts Aces held earlier this month. Awards were given out in the following broadcasting categories. Best front cell. You're rocking with the toolbox, a station that feels like vacation inside. Another free ride. Be sure to tune in this evening for the Van Halen vault every weeknight at 6 from 1984 to OU812. We got an hour of Sam and Dave brought to you by Guitar Center. Get to Guitar center now for overpriced gear and employees with attitudes. It's their annual it's still way too expensive and I can't find a place to park sale going on now at Guitar Center. We got traffic and weather together. Such skies in the Southland while the rest of the country freezes. We got 74 degrees. It's nice, but we are running out of water right now. Be caller 105 and you'll win lunch for two at Outback's Egg House. Outback now serving kangaroo Cuckoo Kachoo. Music from Rick Derringer, Jethro Tull and the Loving Spoonful next hour. Got just enough time to tell you that this set of the hits is brought to you by Bed, Bath and Beyond. Go beyond the bed and the bath. That's right. Check out the hallway. Tomorrow's another two for Tuesday. Double shots of that classic rock all day, baby. Here's a band that we won't play on two for Tuesday because they only got one song. It's like they said, hey, if we only get one song, let's really make it count. Let's also give ourselves a really dumb name like Sugarloaf on the toolbox. Green Eyed Lady. Lovely. Best intro joke. And now he likes boobs like he likes his walls. Load bearing. Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Mike must have a day off. Probably at a funeral for one of his customers. Cancellation. Some free time in the morning. I don't mean customers. I do mean funeral. All right. Sportscaster of the year. Oh, brother. Time for the Waterhouse update. Brought to you by the Rutger Hauer Hour, the talk show that is not screwing around. Women's World cup soccer USA Like Kamala Harris with three loosely related facts. They just keep coming at you. England had as much chance as a straight pride parade in West Hollywood if the U.S. women win the Cup Sunday. Trump brought tanks to D.C. to keep them from entering the White House. That soccer wrap up brought to you by Dice Krispies. Start every morning with a gamble. South America's best time baseball. Yankees played Boston and London and ground em up like it Angry waiter demoted to the pepper mill. Shut a local cricket fan after game number one. Only six hours and it's already over. I want my money back. 7th inning stretch Wright said Fred saying take me out to the ball gag store. NBA the Brooklyn Nets sign Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving and DeAndre Jordan. Meanwhile, the New York Knicks drop their car keys down a sewer grate. Ken Competitive eating. Even I don't call that that item. Sponsored by appointment, the app that delivers ointment to your door exactly when you need it. Best radio request. I do love this about Led Zeppelin. When you call in and you have to request a song. Hey, man, could I hear that one about The. It's called the purple Alligator. The of. It's. She's got a purple. Oh, it's called Come on babe. Come around the block or come around the. Come with America. Can I request a Led Zeppelin song? This one is called Torn Achilles. Oh, cut. Misty. Hoppy. God damn it, Hoppy. I IPA I tell you what. Let me just scrap the lid. Banana Bana Banana. Let me take. This is called Let me take you to the movies. Let me take you to the woodshed. Shit. This I want to take you to the. Let me take you to the movie. Yeah, this is called I want to take you to the movies. No. Okay, wait, wait. Forget it. Forget Led Zeppelin. Forget it. Fucking can't take anymore. I want to hear bad companies, bad company off of the album. Bad company. Okay, it. I'm hanging up. And best morning zoo. You have been banging that drum all day. I want to bang on my drum all day long time run with in 22 minutes right here with ass crack and back sack in the border. But that hurts. And you have pop the top. But another ass crack and back. Back sack. HR Grebel. Let me just jump into this. It's 851 to 51 at the top of the hour. I'll tell you what. Back Sack. Yeah. Why don't we just march it down the hall and walk into Jack Silver's office, see if we can just hash this thing out during the commercial break. Maybe we can do it. I'd like to do it because I want to do a show that's entertaining and free of any personal baggage. Well, that's going to be difficult because you can in here like a Sherpa dragging baggage every single morning. Ass crack. Yes. Back Zach. Tell it to buy Marconi Award. I have a daytime local Emmy, which I say is much better than Marconi Award. Plus I was voted top 10 DJ in spin and hits and radio and Dial magazine magazine nine years running. I'm strong. I'm struggling. I'm not easily offended. The reason I come here is to inspire people having a tough time getting out of bed in the boredom. And if you think I am intimidated by your midday television. Miami, Abby. I worked in South Florida. I worked at number one Y100, Fort Lauderdale, Miami and the Palm. And I'm gonna tell you something. I happen to be personal friends with Shotgun Time Kelly. And that man has six Daytime Emmy awards from local programming in San Diego. All kids shows. Because that man has a heart and a big hat. But he wants to raise those kids because the parents Sometimes suddenly are around to do it for service. I love the way he says shotgun and the pom pom. I don't know. It's kind of what. It's kind of what makes humans humans and why you can't really describe things to other, like, cultures or other animals. Like, there's something rhythmically, whatever, it's greater than the sum of its parts. Like, if you try to describe it, if you did a great impression, it wouldn't be. You know, it all comes together. It's one of those you had to be there moments, right? Or had to listen to it or had to hear it. But either way, it is not something you could write. No, it's just there. And that's sort of why, probably why we love comedy and why we love Magic Johnson taking the ball down the court. Improvised, like doing something. It's not something you could see coming or work out or script out. It just sort of is in the moment. That's so great. Like, I was thinking about stepbrothers of all things the other day, the movie. Step brothers, John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell. The scenes where they're sleepwalking. If you wrote that down, it would sound so fucking stupid. Like two grown men sleepwalk and run into each other. It's goddamn hysterical. All right, let's see. What I don't know. Where are we now? Song of the year four. Song of the year four. Here we go. Actually. Yeah, number four. Here we go. Our fourth nominee for song of the year, the 12 rants of Christmas. On his first class of thangria, Adam ran said he about building codes from the city. Straight no chaser. On his second pangria, Adam rants at me about two spoiled kids and building codes from the city. On his third class of Mangria, Adam rants at me Three dropped calls, two spoiled kids and building codes from the city. On his fourth glass of Mangria, Adam rants at me Four plates of carb re drop call two spoiled kids and building coats from the city. On his fifth class of Mangria, Adam rans at me 5 freeway socks 4 plates of cars 3 drops call to spoil kids and building codes from the city. On his sixth bus of Mangria, Adam rant at me six hours of fortnight Five freeway socks Four plates of cars three dropped calls two spoiled kids and building codes from the city. On its 7 7th langria Adam rants at me 7 socks that fill 86 hours a fortnight 5 freeway socks. Really socks 4 plates of cars 3 dropped calls 2 spoiled cuprats 10 building coats from the city. On his 8th glass of mangria, Adam rant at me 8 meals from postmate 77 socks that fill 86 hours of fortnight 5 freeway socks, 4 plates of carbs, 3 dropped galls, 2 spoiled 2 bass and building codes from the city. On his 9th class of mangria, Adam rant at Me 9 veggie pizzas, 8 meals from postmates 7 socks that fill 86 hours of fortnight 5 freeway socks, socks. 4 plates of cars 3 dropshalls 2 spoilers, you little bastards. 10 building codes from the city. On His 10th class of mangria, Adam rants at me 10 lackeys slacky. 9 veggie pizzas, 8 Meals from postmates 7 socks that fill eight 6 hours of Fortnite 5 freeways, 4 plates of cars, 3 dropped calls twos boys. You little bastard. Building codes from the city. On his 11th Angria Adam rans at me 11 flights on Southwest 10 lackey slacky. 9 veggie pizzas, 8 meals from Postmates 7 socks that fill 86 hours of Fortnite 5 freeway socks. Oh my God. 4 plates of carbs, 3 dropped calls, 2 spoiled Sit yout ass. Building codes from the city. On his 12th best of Mangria Adam rants at me 12 podcast tapings 11 flights on Southwest 10 lackeyslacky 9 veggie pizzas, 8 meals from Postmates 7 socks that fill 86 hours of Fortnite 5 freeway socks. Oh my gosh. 4 plates of cards, 3 dropped calls 2 spoiled kids, 2 man building codes from the city. Beautiful. Those guys did all that live. That was amazing. And no one was holding a sheet of paper. No, they're real good. And I was like, know what they're doing? You just made up a bespoke song. Why don't you just like put it on a piece of paper and we practice superheroes. I went to see them last year after they came in and we took the four year old and it was magical. And a little plug. Cause they invited us back. They're gonna be in cerritos on the 28th in a couple days, so please go see them if you can. It is really amazing experience. Yeah, I totally agree. They're all good guys. And yes, you could hold a piece of paper. Cause it's a podcast and who cares? And you made up this song. But it'll be better if you commit it to memory. And there's a certain pride in doing that. Absolutely. And I just love that there's a super easy Way out of this. But you're not. I love that. So good. Straight, no chaser. All right, let's see. We go on to rant of the year number six. I think it's best musical moment. We're actually. Oh, I'm sorry. We have to. Musical moment. I'm sorry, we have to. We have to crown. Take that champagne away from him. Sorry. Here is the nominations for best musical moment. We will crown the winner for song of the year at the end. End. Okay. The nominees for best improvised musical moment are. Adam and A.J. benza for Harvey. She was a Harvey girl. A lot of these girls have kept their mouth shut. That's. That's part of the way you can see who's the Harvey girl. I keep thinking. I keep thinking of Charlie girl. Charlie who beats off in a pot of planet. They call him Harvey. Who drags reporters to basements of kitchen. Pow. Who beats off in the shower. Wow. Kind of lose. And he's kind of fat. And they call him Harvey. Get rich, Banks. Get to work, man. Smells like an Oscar sprayed on your neck. You got to find that song Kind of. Ooh. Kind of work. Harvey. Harvey kind of dick. Kind of now wanna work in this town again, you'll start sucking. Harvey song writes itself. That's the easiest. Simon Banks. So easy. Dana Gould for Jim Morrison. B52's mashup songs are written in people's cadences. The Door Moore's song Riders on the storm is written in a B52. There's a killer on the road. His brain is squirming like a toad. Hey there, toad. Get out of that road. Riders on the storm. Until this house we're born. When he's right, he's right. Adam from Met Jack Davis tribute Baby, baby. Oh, man. It's a. It's a. It's. It's kind of rambling from a. From a futon. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, listen, baby, like, I'm not gonna get up and ramble, but after you're done blowing me, I need you to ramble. Show yourself the door. You ramble, girl. You're getting that look in your eye. You're hot. There's like you're a hot blooded woman child or something. Yeah, see, you're getting hooked on me. You know, that's like. We've all had those conversations. Should have dedicated this to Christy when I had the chance. But you shouldn't stop blowing me. Which is really the undercurrent to every one of these subtext. Just keep it friendly girl cuz I don't I'm gonna blow a load in your wheel Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me I'll bang you on the futon and I'll set you free Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me Powerful warning. You Bradley Cooper. It's not that hard. Tessa Bishop. What? For jingle bells. Oh, no. Can you sing it again? I'll sing it with you. Here we go. How do you know that song? Who taught me that song? My daddy. Our babysitter. Our babysitter taught me the song. And Brian, for Isaac Hayes. Dan Hill mashup. I would encourage you guys to tweet me and do this periodically. A song that Isaac Hayes would never sing. Still too tender for Isaac. In a different way also. When he talks about his feelings. How to judge you no. And what you say or do I'm only just beginning to see the real you Sometimes Sometimes when we touch Sometimes too much when And I have to close my eyes and hide y I want to hold you till I die no. Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subside Strong contenders. Wow. Wow. Now I'm one worried that Tessa's gonna take it because, you know, sentiment crowd. You know, I didn't know for wonderful, but, I mean, come on. No Harvey girl. Matt Davis and the Harvey girl. And what do we just hear? Isaac? You know, Mac Davis was, like. He was a singer, a songwriter, and he was an actor. He was, like, in North Dallas. Played the quarterback in North Dallas. 40. Yeah, that was Mac Davis. Like, Mac had a. Like one of those Kris Kristofferson kind of, like, careers where he's, like, at sung and he wrote a bunch of songs for people and then sung a bunch of songs and then did a bunch of movies. Either proving that he's super talented or none of those things is really that difficult. I think it may be the difficult part. All right, what do you got, Dawson? The winner posthumously, which means very funny. From the grave, Isaac Hayes. Well done, Mr. Hayes. What? What? Sometimes. All right, now. Now we move on to rant number six, our sixth nominee for rant of the year. School lunch debt. Well, the Wyoming Valley west school district in Pennsylvania sent out hundreds of letters this week warning parents who had lunch debt that things get really bad really quickly if they don't square up those bills for their kids. The letter, which was reviewed by cnn, told parents that there have been, quote, multiple letters sent home with your child and that no payments have been made. It also said failure to provide children with food could result in parents being sent to dependency court. Saying that, quote, if you are taken to dependency court, the result may be your children being removed from your home and placed. Placed in foster care. Good. About a thousand letters are sent to parents. They're pissed. They're freaking out. You parents feed your fucking kids. Yeah. Pieces of shit. And listen, Tyler Perry. I know you're listening. Don't fucking swoop in and settle the debt. Do not swoop in and make this right. Let those fucking shitty parents figure this shit out. This notion of free is good. These people should get free health care, they should have free college and they should have free meals. I'm not signed off on it. Not because there's anything wrong with college meals or health care. I'm not signed off on the concept of free. You are fucking people up. You tell me if it ever works. These parents have fucking kids. They don't pack lunches. The school, they send them to school. They rack up a bill. And I'm sure It's a bunch 29 a week or something worth of shit. And these people are pissed off that they owe the school board 41 bucks. You. That's what happens with free. It ruins people. Do we not know this? Good luck. We'll see how that one works out. Let's see how it works. It doesn't. It can't. It shan. And it won't. Wow. Thank you. Sticks again. The fucking lazy piece of shit. Ne'er do well. Fucking parents who don't want to pay for their own kids and do whatever. By the way, I guarantee three quarters of those fucking lazy pieces of shit have tattoos. Where'd you get the money for the tattoos? Where'd you get the time for the tattoo? What's an average tattoo on your arm? 300 bucks. How many fucking hard boiled eggs and green apples could you buy? How many sacks of beans? How many sacks of rice? What could you buy with that 300 bucks. Bucks worth of tat you got, you bitches, you. I'd argue that inspired a fucking conversation with a hot blonde last night. She was like, explaining about me and my male privilege. And I was like, that was a mop. I think it was a hat rack with a mop leaning against it. And she was like, you're male. Like, you. You don't. You don't understand. I was like, I know your story. And she's like, what? I was like, when you were 19, you were at UCLA when I was 19. I was picking up fucking garbage on a construction site. So don't fucking lecture me about my fucking privilege, please. Jesus Christ. Did you ever take Interface? Yeah, we had a long conversation. We're like, we're friends, but don't fucking lecture me about my fucking whatever. When you're on a. You're on a campus at 19 and you're the fucking belle of the ball, like, just. Just knock it off. Just go do your own fucking thing. It's weird and it's sad, but free shit to people. Pisses them off. It makes them agitated. And all they want is more. And they don't even know what's going on. They don't even know why they're agitated. They're just agitated. All right, Most Uncomfortable Moment is coming up. Everyone holds their breath for this. I don't know if anyone's gonna ask me. It always involves Brian, but we don't know. It's one of the last longer. One of the longest segments of the year. Strap in. All right. You got it, Dawson. The nominees for Most Uncomfortable Moment are Adam and Kayin. Kaylin was house sitting. The days that we were in Maui, thank God, took care of Phil, picked us up, dropped us off at the airport. It's all good. But as we were pulling up about 1:15 in the morning last night, I had this thought. How long before I find something that lets me know Kaylyn was here? I just thought, how long? Then I walked into the bedroom, my bedroom, and there was a bunch of. A couple of t towels that were sort of like balled up and weird sitting on top of my bureau. Like, I have a chest of drawers. So on top of it was some unfamiliar towels in an unfamiliar position. And I went, where these towels came from. There's my chest of drawers there. And then I lifted them up and a bra came flying out. And I thought, I guess Kalin was with his lady friend. But I thought I didn't have to know that. But now I do. I have to know it because it's on top of my bureau and it's her bra on top of my bureau. Don't act like you're not a friend. So I literally just took these towels that were like, ah, they're balled up and they're on top. They're on top of my chest of drawers. So I'm probably not going to miss them. They're in my bedroom, right by my bed. But I'm like, I'll take these towels and I'll hang them out to dry or spread them out or whatever. And then a bra. One airborne. When I shook them out, and I went, oh, well, I guess Kaylin was having sex in my bed with this gal who wears a Calvin Klein 34B. So I thought, well, that shouldn't take that long. We are off to a great start this year. You showed up with your lady friend. She did come over. She did come over. Okay. She could have just taken a shower. I could guess you took a shower with K or hot tub or what have you. But how's it work with the part where I find the bra as I walk into the house? Like it could have been hanging from a lighting fixture. It's true. Y. Adam and Gabe. Well, CNN reports. Hold on. Gabe left? What? Yeah, Gabe just pulled out. He quit. I don't. I don't know. Dylan tried to go. Go and get. And he just. He gave Dylan the peace sign and just. Just drove away. Did he clean his office? Yeah. Did he clean out his office? I feel like I was pretty mild mannered with him. I don't know. I don't know if that was too rough on the. On the young boy. All right, well, let's hope he doesn't come back. I'm not kidding. Why did I. What you. By the way, if that gets him to leave, leave, then I don't want him back. That's if. The talk I had with him about playing video games in front of me in his messy office that I tell him to clean all the time. If that got him to leave, then. Then that's good. Adam and Chris. Oh, did we ever find my. Somebody tweeted me chicken paprikash or something. The. The last one I have was from February, and somebody tweeted. Hold on, hold on. How does Twitter work? How do you and Me and Twitter work? I sit at my house, I see eight tweets about chicken paprikash a day and a half ago. And then I say to Max, go on my Twitter and find that thing. And you're like, it doesn't exist. There was one from four months ago. And I'm like, no, no. Yesterday or the day before. Like, people were tweeting me. Like, hey, I want to make this. I think. Think it was Anna, but maybe I. I think so. Maybe it was. I can. I can text. I'm not blaming you. I'm looking at anything that tonally. I know I'm blaming you. But the only reason I say this is because at some point, we do find it. At some point, I go on the hall, and I go, what the going on. I just got it yesterday. How come we know what. And then someone goes, oh, I got it. Or Gary goes from the other room. I got it. Tell you my search method. Tell me if this is flawed. I searched. Just look at my. Go to my page and just look from, like, yesterday or the day before, and you'll just see a picture of chicken paprika. I just went to Anna's Twitter. It's right here. Oh, okay. So, all right. Yeah. Unfindable. But was it tweeted to Adam? I just. Not. No, but it says chicken paprikash in the instant pot. Can you see what I see on. On my Twitter? Yeah. Okay, so go to my Twitter. I don't get thousands a day. I get a cup. I get a few. And go. But you're asking that this was tweeted to you. So I was looking at everything. I'm not acting. How do you act like someone tweeted toward you? Like your posture, your mannerisms. Like, Caroll over there acting like he's being tweeted. I said, I go to. I went to my Twitter and there's tweets about this. Can you go into my Twitter and see tweets about this? Or says, all right, you want me. Just look at your timeline that you just. I go to my Twitter from, like, yesterday and look for a tweet about chicken. All right. And then you'll see tweets about chicken. Okay. I don't know about checking my timeline or looking for buzzwords or actively tweeted at me. I don't know if they were tweeted at me. I feel like we go through this a lot. I. I say in blanket statement, go to my Twitter. Somebody tweeted this. And then we get into a lot of semantics about what happened. But we could just go to my Twitter and just look at it. Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. All right. Adam and Danny Trejo, when you were in prison, did you do, like, a shop class or continuation school or was there any kind of educational. You know, there used to be. I mean, but they. In fact, they had a different college courses, but people started on the streets. People started complaining that guys were going to prison, getting their. Their. What's the first one you get? Their diploma? Free ride. See, that's the. That's. Why do you say that? That's not good. You're in prison. That's not a free ride. I'm somebody making the voice of the person on the street. That's not me. Okay, all right, okay. I'm sorry. I'M sorry, you have said that before, though. That's the. And Adam and Dylan. What's he upset about? You're just a little hard on. On him for this whole office thing. And what is. What am I being hard. What is the hard part on me? Well, he doesn't. Okay, thank you, K. And this. He does a lot of work for the show. He really pours his heart out and puts everything into the show. He doesn't organize his. Okay. He works hard for the show. Yeah. Okay. And you don't work hard or Brian doesn't work hard or I don't work hard or. Everyone works hard. Brian works. Okay. He works hard for the show. Okay. What's that have to do with cleaning his office or not cleaning his office? No, it just. As far as. Just the morale here is just. Is just getting very low with all this. This office cleaning. It's worrying me too. Yeah, well, how should we resolve this office cleaning? I called you that day. It's on me. I should be assigning it to people and it. But didn't I tell Dylan to clean his office? I don't. I don't know if you personally told Dylan to clean his office or not. Okay, Dylan, is your morale low? Do you want to take some time off? I'm. I'm confused. Because if you do think I'm as fucking lazy and atrophied and stupid as you think I am, then fire me. Okay. Would you like to be fired? I would like to have a job here where my work is respected and people don't scream at me on air for a fucking radar cord that I didn't put on a shelf. But fire me if you think I'm this stupid. Well, let's. Let's take some time off. Want to. Why don't we do that? We'll figure out the rest. Self esteem movement, man. Not a good thing. Anyone who thinks it's a good thing, check with some 28 year olds and tell me how it's working for them. Hope he's at the party tonight. It's a real photo finish with this category. Wow. All right. It's an honor just not to be nominated. Brian, this is the first time you're edged out. My streak is broken. Yeah, you can relax. All right, Dawson. Most uncomfortable moment. Everybody saw it coming. The most Uncomfortable moment of 2019 goes to Danny Trejo. Oh, okay, I'll see that. God, he did get heated. Yeah, he wasn't pleased. Adam's flipping joke about free education. Yeah. How dare you. All right, let's see. Are we taking a break here? Max Spana. All right, coming up, we have Best drops, best guess, winner of the best Rant. All ahead right after this. Let's take a look back at the staff's Google search history for the past year. Vegan, Mexican food, San Fernando Valley Asian serial killer cabins, Bill Gates shoes. How does Dennis Rodman make money? Kevin Hart, Jackfruit, Zuma Beach, Creamy French versus Thousand Island. Daniel Craig, shirtless Gay marriage Longitivity. Carmen Electra Young Video Song. Do people eat Cassowary? Jenkum. How much does Harvey Weinstein weigh? Sometimes when we touch 1979 Bantam's Chatsworth Chiefs College of the Canyons. Kurt Russell's Eyepatch, Aloha, Bobby and Rose. Robert Crab, Oral Vampire Facial Jungle Roses, Dangerfield. Which states have upskirt laws? 85 year old man Abortion. Mark Spitz, Speedo Pea Protein Isolate, shroud of Turin. 2019 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Take off that Brassiere, my dear. That's 2019. On to 2020 with the Adam Carolla show. There we go. Heading into the home stretch, many things were well, we're gonna crown some winners up here. We got the drops coming up. We got the Song of the Year. We got Best rant. We have all of that ahead. First Zorro z o r o.com find everything for business, any size and almost any industry. Tools, equipment, safety, office cleaning supplies and more. Tons of stuff for electrical, plumbing, contracting, manufacturing and more. You can do it for your home, you can do it for your business. Medium or small? Large, whatever. Zorro brands you know and trust. Stanley 3M. I used some 3M double stick tape today. Milwaukee and Rubbermaid, just to name a few. Amazing customer service for real, or I should say from real people in the US so fast and free shipping on orders of 50 bucks or more. And again, you pick up the phone, you call these guys. Somebody speaks good English and lives here in the United States. Visit Zorro.com Adam Sign up for the Zmail today. Get 15% off your first order. That's Z O R O.com Adam Our fifth nominee for song of the year. Kailyn's beds are burning out at the boss's house. Was Kaylin and his girlfriend watching the house and walking Philly while Ace man was in Hawaii? When Ace came home, he found a bra was not Lynette. On his chest of drawers, wrapped in a towel, a 34B cup. It belonged to her. Kanan's girlfriend, Lilace was with Howie Mandel Hayes banging. Kayn was in Adam's bed and banging while Adam was out Catamaran kin was in his bed Girlfriend slamming a bra was found was not Lynette Caleb park is Carolin the boss is bad. Oh wow. Such a hit. Another baby. Yeah. Wow. B cup. Or as Gina grad knows it, shot glass. That's funny all right because I'll have a nice stein of what Gina's surfing up. Why did you just drag your hand across my cheek when you said that? Yes. You know, we could have been something. Sometimes jokes don't work. The winner. All right. Oh yeah, please. Of song of the year. So many great submissions this year the goes to you, Rich Banks. Rich Banks. Mike Lynch. Gina Grad. Gary Smith. Chris Locks. Mana Kaylin bald Bryant and Mike Dawson, Gina range man. Great chaps. The only one who could actually sing. We have two dudes in front fans here. You guys sounded good. But it did. Does make you ironically appreciate Rich Banks. Cuz like he can sing. All right, so now Brian, big award. Best drop by staff. Brian's going to pick the winner. The nominees for best drop by a staffer are. Jap flaps free. Bill Cosby. To the degree that I do understand. I don't care. I have sucked a dick. I don't know how to put this lightly, but who cares? And the winner, the best drop by a staffer. Jap flaps. Yeah, well deserved. We got some mileage out of that sort of par. Gladly take that. The best one they left out of Chris. We have now best dropped by Gina. Christ. The nominees for best drop by Gina are. Meth. I'm on it. She's been around but she's young and clean. Kiss. Come get it in blood bitch Made ass little boy. I'm out there with a broke hand. Don't get smoked. Ass cracker. I was supposed to go Christmas shopping with my family, but I'm home tending to my tender butthole. There's been a thousand dicks in me. And the winner. Oh, I mean a plethora. They're all winners. So good. Best drop by Gina is There's been a thousand dicks in me. Thank you. Strong, strong, Andy. That's not true. The butthole one is the best though, in a way because there's a moment in which you can tell you're like, shit, there's going to be a draw. Yeah, I was trying to imitate Josh Brolin. I gave you so many gifts this year. Brian Woot didn't even make the podium. Wow. Now we move to best drop by moi. Adam Corolla. The nominees for Best drop by Adam are. I'm gay, but I'd like to be gayer. Come here, you little homo. When I see something I like, I take it Miamo is Paco. I'm like mayor of Douche Island. And the winner. Yeah, a lot of hits. Best drop by Adam. When I see something I like, I take it such a la. It was a weird whisper at the end. Then put it over the top, right? Yes. It was the drop in octave. All right, now we have a guest. Oh, sorry. This is drop of the year. Just drop of the year. Best in show. Yeah. The nominees for drop of the year are 100%. Hey, Mike, he's talking about you, you ass. I just got my ass destroyed today. I got my own. Sometimes jokes don't work. Wow, man, this is tough. This is strong. The mic ass is good, but the jokes don't work as legs, you know what I mean? Like, that could work well beyond all. All our. We could be. We could all pass on and that could still work. That's true, but how many mics are in this studio? I mean, Brian got some mileage out of that. I'd have to look back over the years of ACE Awards and like, look at the nominees. I have them all. You know what I mean? Like, this might be the best crop of five. Oh, yeah, this is good. It's tough. The. The winner is of drop of the year. Hey, Mike, he's talking about you, you ass. I don't remember who that was. Logan Paul. Oh, it was Logan Paul. That's right. Talking about his buddy. Jokes don't work. It's a great drop and I will use that. Good. Yeah. You will use that? Yeah. All right. So that wasn't Neil Degrasse Tyson. That was Logan Paul. Yeah, I know. They're very easy. We can double check. We can double check. I'm not gonna say I'm right, but just check. Yeah, just check. All right, we have a guest of the year coming up now. The nominees for best guest are. AJ Benza. My dog 10 years ago died on the airplane, which is the worst. Really? Yeah. So I don't need an emotional dog, but we're taking a dog to New York and to go see your vet and act like you concocted this big story. I flew on 9 11. You have no idea. You take that fight all the time. It could have been me, whatever the fuck. How dog is that? 10 pound Japanese chin? No, my dog died on a plane from LA to New York about an hour and a half into the flight. Oh, God. Trying to feed him for a little piece of ham, and he's stiff as a board. It was the worst. Next three and a half hours were horrifying. They put him in a hole. There's a hole in the fuselage in the back of the plane. That kind of keeps something cold if something dies. And let me tell you something. When dogs expire, or pets expire, they release a lot of gas that you can't believe. People looking at me, I'm like, it ain't me, you know, crying. That's my dead dog right here. I'm a mess. So AJ Has a fake service dog? Well, yeah. Yeah. At least it's a dog. It's not a chicken or a pig. The people things people take on planes. You think it would be very triggering for you to bring another dog on a plane. You know, I haven't taken a pet since my other dog died, so this could be a very emotional trip, Gina. We'll see. We hate the people who take dogs on planes. AJ I want my dog to see my sister's house before she sells it. It's a big thing. Oh, wow. There's gonna be 12 dogs there. We're all taking our path. 12 dogs? Yes. My sister has seven, I have one. My nephews have five, four between them. So we're all taking the dogs there for the last weekend in Long Island. Woofstock. Yeah. It's kind of a dog stock. It's just the beginning of a chick flat. It's very gay. It's very gay. I know it's gay. So the dog expires on the plane. Terrible. Yeah, I. Now the gas part adds a wrinkle because I feel like I would just slide that thing under the seat. No, it was under the seat. It was under the seat. It wasn't. Why did you say anything like? I just feel like, first of all, the amount of gas. It was like 10 drunks at the bar. Oh, my God. You know, Jimmy had canned clams and cabbage. Whatever he ate, it was that kind of smell. You couldn't get away from it. And I'm crying. And then they came back with throw and I said, my dog died. Died. They put it in a hole in the plane in the back. And, you know, we. We. We took it to the vet. We got home, it had an enlarged heart. No. No idea. 10 year old dog. Great little Yorkie. I love my little boy. Died. Dead. Done. Done. Dana Gould. I'd like to play the role of a Huelles, segment producer over at. I feel that was too Tight. Was that, Should I, should I open that one up? Yeah, Huel there. We have some new management here and I know you like to play things kind of fast and loose and shoot from the hip, but what I'm gonna need is a shooting schedule, a breakdown. I, what I'm saying is, is I saw what you did at the Baghdad Cafe. You walked more of that? No, no, because there was. We're in the middle of the desert and there was a roadster sign with a one and a five on it. That's two hours. I need two hours. Look, the Godfather was less than two hours as I recall. A ride around there that had characters that had plot, that had Marlon Brando, that had movement, that had pace, Star wars, these things. You can't take empty highway and fill it with two hours of rocks and gravel and scorched desert and Chaparral. I gotta tighten this up. My background is MTV Sports. We see we're on the same page because you're talking about the Godfather. And I got, coming up three and a half hours with a woman who find a pine cone that from a certain angle looks like James Khan. Yeah, Joe. And that's a tight three and a half. Yeah, but so you're kind of illustrating what I'm saying here, which is we can debate whether the pine cone should ever even air, but I'm saying That is a 90 second hit max. Three and a half hours. Well, you have to get, you know. Yeah, it's like an onion. There's just levels. He was in rollerball. James, James. Have you ever gone to roller rinks? I've seen it. I'm familiar with skinny Mini Miller. There's a roller, there's a roller rink in Glendale, California that. Well now I, I, I just did a remote exactly 500ft from it. Well, okay, but see Hugh, this is what I'm talking about. I've watched this tape. I have a chalk outline around that. Is that like a restraining order or something? We don't need to get in, we don't need to get into the, the, the sticky fingers of a mid LA bureaucracy. Okay, Chris DiStefano, your mom was in the second tower. Yes, she, she, yeah, when that happened. So I knew, you know, I'd been her office before she was like the 65th floor, the second tower. That was set on 9 11. But when, you know, that happened, I went to an all boy Catholic high school in Corn Queens and we could see the World Trade center from the class that I was in. We could see it from most of the classes. So we just saw the buildings on fire. And then a teacher came in and he was like, hey, boys. The city's cities under attack. You know those buildings, I bet. You know, I guess, you know, this is before it happened. He's like, those buildings are on fire. So whoever. If you guys have loved ones there, go call them now. Because he was. He kept saying. He was like, there's a preposterous chance. There's an astronomical chance that people. Everybody in those buildings are dead. I was like, well, great. My mother works in the second one. And then he didn't care. He was like, well, go call her. And then the line was busy. The line was. Was busy the whole time. So I started to cry because, you know, I thought my mom was dead. And I'm sorry. You don't have to explain why you're crying. Honestly. I was also on steroids. You know, 17 years old. I was having emotional. I was taking Winstrom, we believe. Yeah. So this kid, you know, like I said, all boy, Catholic school. So this kid started. Frank started to laugh at me. Yeah. So I broke a chair over his head because, like, you know, I just. I was so emotional. Like, I'm not that kind of guy, you know, But I just bang, hit him. And I got thrown out of school. That was Tuesday. And then I didn't. And then my mom was. By the way, I thought my mom was dead the whole time until I got home. I finally got home and my mom opened the door and I genuinely thought. At that moment, I thought she was a ghost, like in my body. I was like, she's a ghost. Cuz I hadn't heard from my. I was like. Then the towers fell down. So then I was like, she's definitely. What time of day was it when you saw her with your own eyes? With my own eyes. That must have been about 4pm because she had to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge. Everybody had to walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge. So when I saw her, I was like, oh my God. And she had blood all over her legs. And I was like. Then I got like, iron. Then it was like, I'm joining the army. Like I went. And she was like, no, no, honey, I fell off the bus in Brooklyn. And I was like, what? You just escaped 9 11. You fell off the bus? And she was like, I slipped off the bus. And then. So it was like this moment. But then I didn't tell her that I got thrown out of school three hours before that because I put somebody in a coma. So I just I went, Wednesday, we head off. There's a time and a place for that. We had Wednesday off. Wednesday, all New York City schools were closed. Thursday, I just, like, Larry David just walked back into school. I was like, they forgot. It was a national tragedy. Come on. They forgot. And as soon as I get there, the principal's like, stefano home. You're out. You're expelled, you're out. So I had no choice. There's no leeway on that. Well, that should be a different time. We need like a Scent of a Woman style hearing with the whole school there. Yeah. So I call my father, who's like an old school, like, you know, kind of like Brooklyn Bronx guy, you know, he was one of the. I think he was like a bookie. I think that's what he did. You know, he never, like, had, like a real job. He was always like a cash kind of guy. That's just like the guys that, you know, I grew up around. So my dad, I called him and I was like, dad, look, I'm sorry. You know, I got thrown out of school. I hit somebody in the head with a chair. And my dad was like, well, you didn't get thrown out school yet. And I'm like, well, I did. He's like, I'm gonna come down there. I'm gonna negotiate. And I was like, you don't have to, dad. Like, I'm expelled. It's. I. I was in the wrong. He goes, now there's no evidence, and I swear to God. So we comes down to the principal's office. I'll never forget this. He was wearing, like, a New York Yankees batting practice jacket. He had a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. He was wearing his huge chain. He has like, the bit like one of those, like, Jesus. Like Jesus's actual high and weight and gold chain. So he walks into the principal's office and like, you know, keep in mind, I mean, you know, you have to have a meeting with the principal. There's a secretary, there's a whole system. My dad just ignores all that. He goes, which. Which room is it? And I was like, oh, it's that room. So the secretary's like, oh, sir, can I help you? Just ignores. Walks in the principal. I'm seeing this, like, from behind my dad. The principal was on the phone. And my dad goes, hey, can I talk to you? And doesn't introduce himself. Nothing. And the principal's like, excuse me. He goes, yeah, I'm Chris's dad. I need to talk to you. And the prince was like, well, I'm on the phone, sir, you'll have to wait outside. And my dad just hangs up the phone. He just hangs up the phone. He goes, look at that. Now you're not on the phone. Look at that. James Brolin. I was going through the chicane and it was just after dark, which is. Or at dark, you know, which is the toughest time on a track. Track. You can't see, you can't judge well. And suddenly in, in the dust I see this, what looks like a hog. I mean a 400 pound hog. And it was a pet that somebody had brought because, you know, the whole center of the track is loaded with motorhomes and drunks, right? Well, they brought their pet hog, right? And the hog loose and it's running across the track at the chicanes. And I go, this mother is going to scoop right up this Porsche hood and right through the windshield and take my head off. Unless I get this thing sideways. It's a very. I hit the brakes and I did what I did and guess what? It caught the front of the left tire and ripped the A arm and the tire completely off. The, the 924 Porsche he's driving is low with a long. Wasn't it a V8? No, no, no, it was a 6. No, it's a 4. Really? With a turbo. I don't remember that, but it was. Well, look it up, little car. I didn't drive it, I'm telling you. Yeah, I'll remember, I'll remember for it was a turbocharged four. But don't get mired in six or four or eight in race car trim because they have F1 cars with four cylinders, 800 horsepower. It's all how they put the turbo on it. But it's a long, low front hood. It's like a wet show. The pig, pigs coming right through the windshield. And that decision had to be made in how many milliseconds? Oh yeah, milliseconds. And I was so luck. But you know, I was just amazed that that tire and. And a arm just passed me like nothing. And then the truck drivers later brought this cooked hog in the morning to me and said there wasn't. They found him in a ditch, rolled over and there wasn't a mark on his skin. That's why they make footballs out of these bastards. And Chris Kattan. I love Saturday Night Live. I've always loved Saturday Night Live except for when DJ Khaled performed, but. Oh, right, another one. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, that's how he orders Food. Another one. Can I get your coffee? Another one. You like some ranch with those fries? Another one. Okay. Normally we don't put the chili and the ranch on top of the fries. Another one. Okay. Would you like a steak cut fry, a curly fry, or just a traditional fry? Just another one. Okay. Would you like us to dump the ranch into your mouth and then dip? Just push the fries. Let's think about it. Another one. Okay. Now, we don't have bundt cake for breakfast, and we don't. We cannot put the egg inside of the hole of the funnel cake. We don't normally do that, but I think we might have one left. Yeah, just another one. Okay. All right. Thanks for setting me up for that. That was really good. And we're at the Morongo Casino. Oh, no. All right, we got a seven card. We got a seven pack shoe over here. All right, so, Mr. Khaled, you. You got a nine. You flipped over a face card. You have 19. I'm. I got. I got a three showing, so I guess you're good. You're gonna. You're gonna stand on that. Another one. Okay. You have. Look, I'm not here to. You have 19. I got a three showing, so I'm probably gonna flip a face car and then probably bust. Are you sure you want to hit another one? Oh, I'm going back to Cali trying to think of that. James, Brooke Roland's story was Max Pat, and you'll know. Dawson, was he talking about Sebring or Daytona? Probably. Sebring must have been talking about Sebring. Where's the chicane? Well, there's a chicane, like. Oh, that's a part of a racetrack. They. Not all racetracks, but they'll put them in. Like, the Mulsanne straight at Le mans was, like 3.7 miles and long, and guys would be going 245 miles an hour when they got to the end. And people dying, so they put a little wrinkle in the middle of it to kind of slow you down a little bit. It's like a little speed bump for racetracks. Like, all right, there's a chicane, and we can't go 250 miles an hour and die in the middle of the night. So there is a chicane at Le Mans, and Le Mans does have, like, a bunch of people showing up and camping in the middle. But it was Sebring. It was Sebring because Sebring probably has one, too. And. And Seabrings, Florida, it's A little more trashy panhandle. Right. So I had to correct him on the number of cylinders. Good place. Where they'd have a pig out in the windfield. Yeah. All right, Dawson. Sorry. Go ahead. The winner of the 2019 ACE Awards for guest of the year is AJ Benza. Well deserved. That guy's awesome. He always brings in. All right, now when we wrap up in eight minutes, we're going to go to the other shop and you shall see the Porsche that won Sebring outright. 8 cylinders, 6. Won Daytona outright as well and won it's class at Le Mans, but not outright. Came in second at Le Mans. So always appreciate. All right, our last number seven rant of the year. Our seventh nominee for rant of the year, Little Miss Sunshine. This is when we jump the shark. Blame this movie. I'll tell you why. Greg Kinnear is a dad in a very good and traditional way. All he's doing is like, working and all he's doing is talking about like, hey, don't eat ice cream for breakfast. You're going to do Little Miss Sunshine. You shouldn't. It's unhealthy for you. He is the hero of this story. The producers and the director made him into the goat of the story. He's the dad. There's something wrong with him because he's trying to like hustle up work and he's trying to keep his family together. Whatever. You got the brother, the gay brother who tried to slit his wrist and they're like sitting around the dinner table and, and she's like, what happened to your wrists, Uncle Rob? And he's like, well, when I was done blowing my boyfriend, I decided. And, and, and great. Caner's going, I. I don't think that's acceptable. They're like, why is it acceptable? Let her know. She should know the truth. You. She's fucking nine. She doesn't need to know about this guy killing himself because the gay partner left him for an author. That's number one. Number two, she's going to a beauty contest. She does need to know about nutrition. She ordered fucking ice cream and pancakes for breakfast. And the fucking sane guy, the same sane guy, thought it would be a bad idea to talk about suicide at the dinner table when they're back in Arizona. Also think it's a good idea idea to talk about eggs and a more nutritious breakfast. And yes, especially and ironically when you're on the way to a beauty contest. The other hero in the movies, the fucking junk, the junkie sex Offender fucking grandpa who is a fucking junkie. The most inappropriate fucking grandpa in the world. Like he's in the next room doing a couple of rails. He was thrown out of shape Shady Acres for being sexually inappropriate with other members of Shady Acres. And now he's been thrown out of multiple old age homes for getting handsy with women in the. In the fucking home. He's a junkie who's a sexual predator. And he's the second here who teaches his daughter to his granddaughter to dance like a fucking whore. And he's the fucking hero. And then the gay guy tried to kill himself. He's the second in the line of hero and the fucking one sane, normal guy in the fucking movie. Greg Kinnear, the dad. He's the villain. He's the dumbo. He's the buffoon. He's the clod. Now, where are we now in society? We're short on the kinneers. We got plenty of junkies running around. And this movie caused it all. It got it completely backwards. The chick couldn't dance for shit. She has no talent. That's the other thing. Like the other chick comes out, she plays a concerto on a Steinway. And the other chick comes out, she's spinning baton and doing the splits. All stuff you have to practice for. All stuff you have to dedicate time to. And then this bitch comes out, shakes her ass like she's fucking drunk, stumbling out of a bar. And we're all supposed to start applauding the chick who's putting put no effort, no time, it has no skill level into our act. This movie's 100 backwards and it marked the of our society. We jumped the shark with this movie. Jesus goddamn Christ. And everyone was like applauding like, oh, she's no, she has no talent. And what about the other girls who work their ass off for the competition? And why, by the way, why bother practicing anything? Why pick up the baton? Why pick up a guitar? Why pick up a cello? It doesn't matter anymore. Why learn to play the harp? You just get out there and stagger around some sort of flop dance. And then everyone will just start slowly, like start to slow clap for you. Fuck that. But of course it had me. We love it. We love it. We love it. This. Listen, I know people do that. They do stuff with me all the time. They go, do your bid on dear, I'm dead serious. I'm not doing a bid on anything. We're. We're as a society because of this movie. This movie represents what we've done. We've fucking gone from Greg Kinnear to the fucking cousin or that stupid as Gina brought up to make the clip. The fucking brother took the valve silence because he wanted to be the fighter job. We fucking jumped the shark. That's where we're at. We are fucked with those guys, with the guy tried to commit suicide with the cool mom with the valve silence guy. Our society's destroyed with those guys. There is no more society with those guys. By the way, those guys don't do shit. A harbinger. They don't do anything. They fucking sit around and they comment on how they don't like other people's bridge building and war waging and fucking skyscraper building every. They sit back and they comment on things. They don't do jack fucking shit. Those pussies don't do shit. They write about other people and how they don't like what they do, but they don't fucking do anything. We don't want that. We don't want that. We want to celebrate the people who do things and not the fucking snarky douches who comment on how they don't like what the other people do. And that's where I so listen, ass wife, if that's the society you want, we're there. You'll have it. You got it. Good fucking luck with your next Golden Gate bridge. Good fucking luck with your next world war. Good fucking luck to you pussies. Good luck. Nobody's gonna be there to build it or fight it or do it. Good fucking luck. All right, Dawson, you submitting that as rant A my super positive outgoing message of the year, but Jesus fucking Christmas. I never thought we'd get to this point. That movie represents everything that's wrong with our fucking society. That's right. Light a fucking candle and blow it out with a fart because we're fucking done, people. It's insane. There's fucking dudes who do shit and those who fucking sit there and fucking snarkily comment on them. And that's what this whole world is turning into. And somehow they're the fucking heroes of. People that talk about shit are the heroes. People that fucking do shit are the heroes. What's the. What's the last time these guys did anything? Or when's the last time these guys did anything? What did they build? What do they make? What do they manufacture? All they do is they fucking fold their arms. They're like, oh, you big whatever. Pharmaceutical auto whatever. Oh, you're carbon footprint. Like, oh, yeah, okay. Commenters you fucking do something. I gotta get my fucking car and I gotta drive home. Well, actually have someone else drive me because I'm a little buzz. But the point is this. Who's putting the fuel in the tank? Who's manufacturing the car? Who's making the fucking. Who's. Who's. Who's melting the steel? How do we get it? How do we get here? Pussies. Or we should just all just fold our arms. Yeah, how'd you get that fucking iPhone 10? Who made that shit? Who invented that shit? Who melted down the metals? Who cast the shit? Who designed the shit? Who did that? You just want to fucking snarkily go away on your laptop, your phone, your computer, your electric car back to your condo? Who built the condo you live in? Who built the roads? Who built all this? You shut up for 2020. Just shut your face and get the to work. And don't critique those who do work because these people are working. Like, you sit around like, oh, these guys, oh, they're, oh, the, the fuel that they, they burn. And that's it. Yeah, okay. Magic fucking wand. Fucking pixies. You get us a magic wand, you fucking fix everything. You fuel everything, you create everything, you build everything. Give me your fucking magic wand, you fucking hypocrite pussies. What are we going to do? Yes, we do have to burn calories. We do. We make. We put carbon into the atmosphere because we're making steel for the condo you live in and steal for the car you drive. How would you like to do this? Would you like to live on the dirt? Or you explain to us your special fucking talent for creating things that doesn't involve any burning of fossil fuels or burning of anything. Just you, you tell ears. Get your magic wand out, make it for us, you fucking hypocrite pussies. Or shut the fuck up because we're tired of fucking listening, you assholes. I want to hear another one of you fucking assholes in 2020. Explain to me what, what's problematic to you. 26 year old fucking pussy doesn't know shit about anything, has never fucking worked a day in your life. You tell me all about you. It's fucking problematic to you. Shut up. We have a fucking country to run. Get the fuck out of the way. Let the fucking adults run it. And you shut up. All right, so everyone enjoy their next day. I'm trying to say is. Merry Christmas. Jesus fucking Christ. Look, you can complain all the fuck you want about what we're doing or what they're doing. What he's doing or what she's doing, you must come up with an alternative plan that works. If you don't, then shut up. You can talk all you want about burning fossil fuels and cars and automobiles and roads and vulcanized rubber and whatever good come up with. Go invent something that works better or shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear any more of it. In 20. Fucking 20. Thank you, Dawson. Chris, did you, Tessa, get all that? First of all, amen and God bless America. Thank you. The winner for the 2019 ACE Awards for Rant of the Year is Gillette and Toxic Masculinity. Yeah, boys wrestling kind of dovetails into what you were just talking about. What the fuck is five year old boys wrestling on a lawn? What is negative about that? Unless you're a chick or a dude who thinks like a chick. A dude who thinks like a chick. That's where we're at now. All right, let's see. I'm gonna jump in really quick. And in that rant, Adam, you said it. Don't, it won't, it can't, and it shan't. I want to thank all the people that make this show possible. You got your Dawsons out there, your Mike Lynches, your Kalyns, your Gary's, your Matt Fondeliers, your Emmys, your Gabes, your Jorge's. We call them Jorge, George, Mike August and Chris Maxapata. Dr. Drew thinks that's his real name. Hey, Mike, he's talking about you, you ass. We got Gina, we got Brian with a Y. Why we got. You can't spell anything. What do you care? That's a good point. Super. You lucky. Cranston does his with a Y. Boy, that saved your ass. Oh, man. It'd be a whole different life for you super fans. Giovanni Dick Banks as well, Charles is over there eating barbecue. We'll thank him as well. Here we go into. I never know how to word this, but passing year 11 coming up in February, all because of you guys, because of the people that are listening. Who knew this fake job can turn into a real job and create a family. And while the families are creating families, it's wonderful. I should give Gina and bald Bryan a moment or two to say what they think at the end of the year. Because it would be unfair of me just to sort of steamroll over you. I wish I would have prepared for that. We're good. Hi, Gina. How about you? I will say I've said this multiple times to multiple people. That I cannot believe. In February I will be here five years and I still feel like the new kid. Every day feels like a lot longer. Thank you. It does. I still feel like I'm new and I'm excited and I want it to be good and I want to prove myself and I'm just happy to be here. So thanks for letting me be here. I love it, Gina. I love people. Low self esteem. I do. You got your girl. Everyone always fucking talks about high self esteem. I fucking hate those two tracks. I like low self esteem. And you can do my dear, you got a heaping help. Low self esteem. And we'll always be friends and we'll never have a fucking crossword course word or an argument. It will always, always be that. I love that. Brian on the other hand, smugly printing top of my head this says I think this has been one of the best years of my life with 10 years. 10 years since diagnosis. 10 year anniversary of laughs of laughs for O'Brien. Now we're doing laughs with raising tons of money and it's been you guys, Adam, Gina, everyone under this roof and everyone listening has been the biggest part of it. Aside from obviously Christy and Tessa. But it's the engine that's driven probably what has been my best year. So thanks you guys. Well, thank you and thank you listeners and you can go to AdamCarolla.com for all the live shows and chassis for all the VODs and DVDs and anything that ends in a dark and let's see, Laughs with Ball. Bryan, as we just discussed, available coming up on 150k. All money is going to. Damn. Is it? Damn cancer. Stupid cancer. Stupid cancer. Sorry. You get like two and a half hours of comedy for under five bucks. And you can sign up for our Corolla newsletter and you can also check out my new book or at least you can pre order it at Barnes and Noble and Amazon. Amcroll.com I'm your emotional support animal. Amimal animal you can. And give some love to Mike lynch who worked really hard on that book as well and on the ACE Awards and until next time which is 2020 Santa Fe Rolla for Gina Granbal. Brian, say it. Mahal. Thank you for joining us for this year's ACE Awards. Share it with a friend and show them what they missed in 2019 and get them listening in 2020. Produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch, co producers Chris Laxamana, Gary Smith, Kaylin Bean, Emmy Fuentes and Gabe Maldonado. Special thanks to archivist super fan Giovanni Orchestra and score for the ACE Awards. Thanks to extreme music recorded using rode microphones and edited on Avid Pro Tools and Adobe Audition Catering by Chick Fil? A. Unless you're Jay Leno. Hotel accommodations by Kalin's Airbnb. Putting the B cup in bnb. Come for the bed, leave the bra, Travel to the Ace Awards furnished by a car with an open trunk with Mike August's bag flying out of it. No animals were hurt in the production of the Ace Awards, Unless you count Phil being kicked in the ribs by Olga. Hey, Mike, he's talking about you, you ass. The ACE Awards. All right, this is the 13th annual ACE Awards from 2019. That does it for today's Coral Classics. Until next time. Oh, and get it on.