Dave Dameshek + Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Dave Dameshek + Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Carolla Classics) Release Date: May 11, 2025

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1. Celebrity Apprentice Experiences

Challenges of Staying in the Hotel: Allison Rosen shares her struggles with staying at the Trump International Hotel during the filming of Celebrity Apprentice. Her discomfort stems from her homebody nature and reliance on personal comforts, such as her TV setup at home.

• Quote:
  "The idea of being cooped up in a hotel room sounds insane to me."
  (03:02)

Sling Box Debacle: Allison attempted to use a Sling Box to stream her TV shows from home while away. Despite initial optimism, technical issues plagued the device, leading to frustration and unmet expectations.

• Quote:
  "We tried to hook it up and we got it all hooked up to the TV and it would last for about 15 to 90 seconds before it froze."
  (10:37)

Interactions with Penn Jillette: During her stay, Allison had a notable interaction with Penn Jillette, who suggested turning on the TV in unconventional ways, further complicating her attempt to stay connected to her shows.

• Quote:
  "He looked at me and he said, I haven't even turned my TV set on. And I was like, are you high?"
  (07:19)

2. Racing and Tragedy

Encounter with Marco Andretti: Allison recounts meeting Marco Andretti, Michael Andretti's son and an IndyCar driver. Their conversation took a somber turn when Marco's teammate, Dan Weldon, tragically died in a race shortly after.

• Quote:
  "Dan Weldon was dead, like, two and a half, three months later. So, very weird."
  (33:17)

Impact of Dan Weldon's Death: The sudden loss of Weldon not only affected the racing community but also altered Allison's experience on the show, leading to emotional reflections on mortality and unforeseen consequences.

3. Hot Chicks and Cultural Comparisons

Debating Attractiveness Across Countries: The hosts engage in a lively discussion comparing the demeanor and attractiveness of women from various countries, often highlighting stereotypes and personal preferences.

• Quote:
  "Hot chicks from Canada are much fucking nicer than hot chicks from Florida for sure."
  (38:03)

Critique of American Female Representation: Allison criticizes the portrayal and presence of American women in sports and media, suggesting a lack of genuine, hardworking representations.

• Quote:
  "We don't have hot chicks doing them in real life. We do have hot chicks who play them in movies."
  (39:35)

4. Football Talk with Dave Dameshek

Playoff Predictions and Team Analysis: Dave Dameshek leads a segment analyzing NFL teams' performances and playoff prospects, expressing strong opinions about the New England Patriots and other contenders.

• Quote:
  "New England would steamroll that team. So whoever survives that one would limp into Foxborough."
  (72:11)

Super Bowl Frustrations: The discussion reflects frustration with the unpredictability of football outcomes and the perceived ease with which certain teams advance to the Super Bowl.

• Quote:
  "And that is going to happen. And they have no defense whatsoever."
  (72:22)

5. Movie and Pop Culture Commentary

Unrealistic Movie Scenes: The hosts critique unrealistic portrayals in movies, such as those in The Abyss and Tango & Cash, highlighting discrepancies between on-screen actions and real-life logic.

• Quote:
  "But he's gonna show the guy up. He pulls off, he stops his car."
  (87:00)

Harold & Kumar Discussions: Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg discuss their involvement in the Harold & Kumar franchise, emphasizing the challenges and creative decisions behind the series.

• Quote:
  "We couldn't get the glitchy Aasterk that was going to be too far out. So we wrote the script."
  (135:00)

6. News Segment with Allison Rosen

Michele Bachmann’s Campaign Suspension: Allison Rosen reports on Michele Bachmann suspending her presidential campaign after a poor showing in the Iowa caucus, noting the standard political rhetoric used during such announcements.

• Quote:
  "She said last night the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice. And so I've decided to stand aside."
  (78:29)

George Zimmerman 911 Call Controversy: A discussion ensues about the Today show's editing of George Zimmerman's 911 call, analyzing the implications of media narratives on public perception.

• Quote:
  "The network completed its investigation and found an error and issued an apology."
  (Brian Bishop, 78:29)

7. Promotional Segments and Sponsor Mentions

ProFlowers Promotion: A promotional segment highlights ProFlowers and its offerings, encouraging listeners to support the show through flower purchases.

• Quote:
  "You find the link, support the show and boom. And we've added to Canada and UK. We should do Australia so we can get that."
  (55:49)

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8. Controversial Exchanges and Humor

Chevy Chase Incident: Allison Rosen vents about a voicemail from Chevy Chase, criticizing his behavior and delivery, highlighting tension and longstanding issues between collaborators.

• Quote:
  "Fuck you, dude. Why do you have it in for me?"
  (157:05)

Discussions on Gender and Stereotypes: A heated exchange unfolds regarding gender stereotypes in media and sports, reflecting broader societal issues.

• Quote:
  "She's only 4 inches off the ground. He slid across the finish line and got second."
  (32:27)

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9. Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and reflections on current events, maintaining the show's signature blend of candid conversation and comedic banter.

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Note: This summary focuses on capturing the essence and key discussions of the episode, incorporating notable quotes with timestamps for context. Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections have been intentionally excluded to maintain focus on substantive content.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] we have a companion podcast titled Cult Classics with ad free archives available through Podcast One Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new show Beat it out through Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com make sure to check it out and subscribe. Alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Kollishow 728, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2012. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day. Baldbrand diamond earrings. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello Adam Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I guess the news finally came out about Celebrity Apprentice and everyone's buzzing about that. And I'm glad because there's things I.

[Brian Bishop]

Want to say and you've had to stay mum.

[Allison Rosen]

I've had to stay mum for the last few months, but I'm about to burst like a dam. So the things I can get into. We have some questions. We got some news. We got dam going to come in. I think we'll talk a little playoff football. I can be found at the Durham, North Carolina, Carolina theater. Thursday, June. Maybe I'll visit my new best friend Clay Aiken over there. Thursday, January 19th Boston House of Blues. That one's almost sold out. Everybody deaf. Frat guy may be opening for me. Maybe he wants to open.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not Josh Gardner. Def rat guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Def frat guy.

[Gary]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

House of Blues. Friday, January 20th Silver Springs, Maryland at the Fillmore. Saturday, January 21st. All right, couple things. I don't know, I guess people have Celebrity Apprentice questions.

[Brian Bishop]

I actually have that story in my news.

[Allison Rosen]

I figured you would. I'm guessing you'd have some questions for that. I'll tell you a few.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, why couldn't you tell us? Let's start with that.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a few things I wanted to complain about. Like, you know, I have, you know, I don't know if you guys noticed this, but sometimes when I travel, I notice things and I come back and talk about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Usually you're so good natured, but occasionally something will set you off.

[Allison Rosen]

Had a great, had my great discussion. So it begins with this. You move in to the Trump International Hotel, which is scary for me. Because I have a weird non traveling gene. I have a weird homebody. Homesick. I miss my shit. I miss my stuff. I miss my peeps. I miss my family. Family. I miss my wife, I miss my twins. But long before that, even when I lived in shitty apartments, I would miss my futon with cat shit on it. Like I just missed. I liked being home. I've always had that.

[Brian Bishop]

Home is where the cat shit is.

[Allison Rosen]

And so it's like, oh, you're gonna go to the Trump International Tower. And I said, well, how long am I gonna be there for? And I spoke to Rob Barnett, who's the producer of the thing, and he's like, oh, Adam, you're going to win this thing. And I think he's Australian, but I can't do that.

[Brian Bishop]

He probably only said that to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I was the only one. And he was pendulette.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're gonna win this thing.

[Gary]

Oh, Adam, Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean, Adam, win this thing. Said he'd be gone for like five weeks. And for me, I go out of town for three days, I'm like, oh, God, oh, the humanity. When am I gonna get home? I can go to Maui for a week and be like, at the end of that week, be like, fuck, yes, I'm getting home. I don't even like la. I'm just glad to get home. So five weeks and I don't see. Me and New York were not friends.

[Brian Bishop]

Former lovers scorned.

[Allison Rosen]

She finger blasted me once when I was in the shower. I like, as you know, I like my cars, I like my building, I like my space. Like today, you know, trip to the Home Depot had my boys buzzing around, tearing down stuff. Working on the race car building, the new SK studios sort of bouncing from place to place, making runs. Like, for instance, I don't like not driving for four days. It's weird for me not to drive. It's not that I drive like, you know, Duke's a Hazzard. It's just I like sitting in my car and turning the radio out, go.

[Dave Damaschek]

In the window, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Slide across the hood and go into the window. It's just I miss a car. And it's not even like I said, like, oh, I'm pulling e brakes and Brodies. I just enjoy the freedom of that and going on runs and kind of back and forth. And the idea of being cooped up in a hotel room sounds insane to me, by the way. Only. So what happened with me? Couple things. First off, when I heard this news, I got scared I was like, jesus Christ. Potentially five weeks out of town, that's a lifetime for me. I've never been out anywhere for more than, like, five days at a time, number one. Number two, I thought your parents sent.

[Brian Bishop]

You for summers abroad in Switzerland.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that was an exchange program, but, yeah, I guess you're right. Yes. Oh, yeah. I mean, first off, if you really want to learn the cello or, I mean, really, right, you. You can't do it from North Hollywood.

[Dave Damaschek]

Stradivarius.

[Allison Rosen]

You cannot do it from North Hollywood. Anyway, I think my dad understood that very clearly. So five weeks sounded scary to me. And then the second fear. And a lot of better people would have thought about their twins, but you thought about my baby TiVo. I was like, my TV. What am I gonna. I'm not gonna have my TV. I'm not gonna have my tv. And you know that feeling of once you're used to the TiVo or the DVR now, being at the mercy of the television. And I swear to God, I mean, we'd go out and do these fucking challenges and stuff like that. You'd meet down in the lobby at, you know, hair and makeup, 6:30 down in the basement, meet in the lobby at 7:00am, get into a van, go to Trump, whatever, wait for Trump, do the thing with Trump, then go over here, go over there. You'd walk back through your hotel room, be 10 o' clock at night, and then you'd fucking turn on ESPN4 and it's, hey, the Lady Lobos from New Mexico State and girls indoor volleyball. And you'd be like, ah, what happened? What happened with today's NFL? And it was like, now local. I would watch like, Yankees legends on the local New York Fox station stuff. The fucking shittiest. The Trump International is the shittiest. Fucking cable. Like, I mean, it would go out all the time and they just, they had espn, but it wouldn't be the ESPN that was showing you football highlights. It'd be girls volleyball highlights and, you know, softball tournaments from Canada.

[Dave Damaschek]

You're reading the crawl intently.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, just like, oh, this is so brutal. The only thing that made it worse is talking to Penn Jillette. Cause I was like. I was like, penn. Fucking brutal, right? This cable, this tv, I mean, there's fucking nothing on. And, you know, you don't have it programmed and the channels aren't any good and you don't know where anything is. And he's like, you look at that.

[Brian Bishop]

Sheet with 8 million channels, you can't figure it out.

[Allison Rosen]

And he looked at me and he said, I haven't even turned my TV set on. And I was like, are you high? And he's like, you know, I read. And I said, where? And he said, in the tub. And I was like, how do you fit in a tub? Number one, that'd be like a guy taking an old time bath. Like an old miner taking a bath. And wash tub, you know, so it's like galvanized tea. You make that sound when you get.

[Gary]

Out of the tub.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm a reader.

[Gary]

I had an idea.

[Allison Rosen]

I was weeks into this thing and he was like, and turn my TV set on. I was like, oh, you fucking bastard. So first thing out of my mouth was, okay, I need. I called Ed, my AV guy. I said, ed, I'm going out of town and daddy may be gone for over a month, and I have to figure out a way to get my TV into that TV at Trump Tower. And it's 2011.

[Brian Bishop]

That was your first call?

[Allison Rosen]

11. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then later I told the wife and kids, not in that order. And I said, I need to figure it out. And he said, sling box. I said, I got to tell you, Ed, I'm not excited because nothing fucking works for me. Nothing works for me. And he's like, no, no, man. Sling Box, Sling Box. That'll work. And I'm like, you don't know me. I have a fucking magnetic force around me that ruins everything.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's the guy that espouses the virtues of the. The Sonos controller, which you had so much trouble.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, I have a. I look up in the sky, I'll knock a satellite out of its orbit just with my magnetic field. So where's Gary, by the way? Is he here?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary, back me up on this. So Ed goes, Sling Box, do not worry about it. And I'm like, ed, I do not trust you. And he's like, you will watch every single show that's on your DVR TiVo right from the sling box, just like you're sitting at home. And I was like, don't, okay? You fucking lie to me, I'll come after you. Because. Because here's what it is. It's six days a week. They undersell this point. It's six days a week. It's probably a 14 hour day. I mean, it's meet in the lobby at 7 or 7:30, come back at 8:30 or 9 at night. And it's Monday through Saturday. And if you cannot read and you're cooped up in your 450 square feet, the only thing left is that I'm going to watch my MMA show and I'm gonna watch my sports Center.

[Dave Damaschek]

Plus as like a doctor at this point, he's like saying, we're. We can cure your son's cancer. And you're like, don't fuck with me.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't.

[Dave Damaschek]

You know what? You can't just tell me you can't. I'd rather you just say you can't.

[Allison Rosen]

So I got the, I got the. Don't get my hopes up. Don't fuck with me. And he said, believe you me, sling box.

[Brian Bishop]

I like that he's saying it so slow.

[Allison Rosen]

So I was saying, okay, all right, fine, fine, I trust you. And I walked into my room and there's literally a 60 inch television, flat panel television, just sitting there in the corner, right?

[Gary]

You know, high def.

[Allison Rosen]

And I was like, this is awesome. And then I said, gary, who came out with me so I could continue podcasting. I said, gary, come out here. We gotta get this. Gary's like, I know the sling box. I use the sling box. I travel with the sling box. And when Gary then corroborated the sling box story, I was like, okay, all right, okay.

[Dave Damaschek]

And he walked off.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary, Gary came in. Gary came up first night, said, gary, I was gonna packing my huge box of clothes. And Gary. And by the way, when you're gone for five weeks or potentially five weeks, you're like, you have these decisions like, bathrobe, bathrobe. Do I take the bathrobe? Bathrobe, Right? Yeah, like the shit. Like, I'm gone. This ain't weekend action. So Gary comes in and says, I'll hook this sling box up. And what happens, Gary?

[Gary]

We tried to hook it up and we got it all hooked up to the TV and it would last for about 15 to 90 seconds before it froze.

[Brian Bishop]

That's worse than you reboot it.

[Gary]

And after about two hours of that, you just said, fuck it.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? And then I said. Then Gary said, bad signal, bad Internet signal here. But if we hooked it up to a hard line.

[Gary]

Yeah, because at the hotel, every person who stays there shares the same free WI fi. But if you have the hardline, which they make you pay for, and it's absurd, it's like 20 bucks a day, then they, you know, guarantee you a.

[Allison Rosen]

Certain amount of bandwidth. No problemo. All right, so of course, Smash Cut two. I had to come back to LA to go to Mike August's wedding and blah, blah, blah. So I just said, gary, I can make it the next five days without. Without the sling box. And that I did. But when I come back, well, we'll just hook it into the hardwire WI fi and I'll have my sling box. And then I came back.

[Gary]

Didn't work at all.

[Allison Rosen]

Work for about 15 to 90 seconds before it froze. You hooked it up, hardwired it, and as he left, it froze. And it was like, I want to sue everybody. Because I was like. It was like, celebrity Apprentice. First thought, first, where's my TV shows? Where's the first? It's like I curse myself. I utterly curse myself. It's my fault, because what I should be saying is, Celebrity Apprentice, good. I can get away from my TiVo for a while. I need a break. But no, not me. Not me. I go, I need my dvr. I need my shows. If I don't have my shows. Look, it's a room the size that we're in right now with a little kitchenette and a little bathroom attached to it. And you're gonna be sitting in there for a month, and you're gonna be going insane. You're coming home at night. Some of these people, Lisa Lampanelli and George Takei and all sorts of even Sunny Aiken, Theresa. No, no, I'm not saying them. I'm saying some of the people had places in the city. Sorry, but they could go somewhere.

[Gary]

They had their apartment or their place.

[Allison Rosen]

They could go to. Their place for me was nothing. Was no family. It was no anything. Was just, boom, Me singing and sing. I needed. So I announced to the heavens, I need my TV shows. And I get the do not worry about it, boss. And then I get the do not worry about it, boss from Gary. And then it's smash cut to, well, it doesn't work, but here's the reason why it doesn't work. Soon as you come back again, we'll plug it in and it's gonna work like a charm. No can do. Not even close. I mean, like, Gary'd be like, so all you do is see, you hit capture, and then you hit play, and then you hit. You hit the inbox, and it'd be like, oh, there you. Oh, my God, I'm watching my MMA show. And then up froze. Like, it just. It worked just enough to fucking piss me off.

[Brian Bishop]

So how long did you watch it before you decided it was too annoying?

[Allison Rosen]

It never worked. It never. It couldn't be done. It could not be done.

[Dave Damaschek]

Gary, why didn't it work with the Ethernet?

[Gary]

It should have worked, right? For some reason, the. The hardwire just. There wasn't enough bandwidth.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, there was throttle it or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Well, I even knocked it down to. To, you know, like below 480p, to the really low resolution, figuring that that would help it out. Why would that help?

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Could I possibly watch tv? How could I possibly. And again, you should have just brought.

[Brian Bishop]

Your whole cable box from home.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the only dvi. Swear to God.

[Gary]

I said. I said to Ed, what would it.

[Allison Rosen]

Take just to put a in my room? He's like, don't worry, Sling box. Sling box. And I'm sitting in the middle of fucking Manhattan. And the thing, you know, and Gary's going. Gary's going, oh, man. When I go to fucking New Brunswick, this thing works like a fucking top. Like, it's awesome. You can go to any part of Minnesota and this thing works. I mean, this thing works everywhere. You go to the Red Roof Inn, sitting right in the middle of fucking. The entertainment capital of the fucking world. At the end of Times Square, there's and end of Broadway. Nothing. Just nothing.

[Dave Damaschek]

Not just that. The classiest hotel in New York and.

[Gary]

They charge 20 bucks for hardware.

[Adam Carolla]

Ethernet.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it a part of the. I would have talked them around that one. They're condo y kind of whatever things, but. So I was like, see?

[Brian Bishop]

How to throw the game.

[Allison Rosen]

I literally just said one thing. I just said, celebrity Apprentice. I said, TiVo, and that was it. Then I was demoralized at that point. The next thing was I had a nice moment. And the only thing I really wanted to tell you guys about that was driving me nuts was they have the clearance woman. And the clearance woman is like, we have to see your T shirts, we have to see your jackets. Just see if there are any logos. Can't say Nike or STP on that. Or if there is, we'll have to clear it. We'll have to check it. And I said, well, I don't have. My T shirts are just plain white T shirts. And then I have some long sleeve dress shirts. It's winter time. And some jackets and suits, things like that. And a bathrobe, socks, sweatpants, you know, I don't have. I'm gonna be wearing. I'm gonna be wearing a suit and a shirt and a sling box, and I don't have anything. And she's like, all right, well, when can I come by your room and check. Check your stuff and I mean, go through your drawers, literally. And I said, there's no need to rehab. There's no need to do that. I do not have anything that has this. And I kept pushing around and it was my whole thing in life of can we claim our lives back from the fucking lawyers, can we? And I said to her, listen, I know you have a boss and your boss needs to know that. You went to Adam Carolla's apartment and you looked through, physically inspected everything that he brought. I can tell you this, I brought some things. I did bring a shirt that says Puma on it that I'm going to use to work out in the basement tomorrow on my day off. But I will not be wearing it on the show. I've been on TV for over 15 years. I understand the rules. There will be nothing with a logo on it that will be on me. I will be wearing a dress shirt with a T shirt underneath it. That will be all. When can I come up? So now it's that sort of thing where you're sitting at a certain point. I went down the lobby and she cornered me. She said, I think now would be a good time to come up. And I did your business.

[Dave Damaschek]

Coming on ya.

[Allison Rosen]

I did that thing, I start sucking.

[Brian Bishop]

She had the rules.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, I don't have a thing that has anything on it that I'm going to wear on camera. Of course, this is like day off time. And I was wearing this hat that said like Hudson insulation on it. And she did the thing that all the fucking cunts do where they go, you couldn't wear that hat.

[Brian Bishop]

We do do that.

[Allison Rosen]

You got me, bitch, you got me. I wasn't gonna wear this hat. It's on me. Because it's a Sunday and I'm walking around Manhattan. I've told you, I'm not gonna need to come up. So she comes up and she looks through the stuff that's hanging like on this rack that's out there, some of the suits, some of the dress shirts. And she said, I need to see the T shirt drawer. And I said, no. And she said, I need to see this T shirt. I said, I'm not. You're not? No, not doing it. I'm taking a fucking stand in the name of sane people. It's a drawer. It's a mahogany drawer. It's 12ft from where we are and it's filled with white V neck T shirts. And that is all. And there are a couple that have sayings on them which I will not be wearing on camera. Are we clear? Because you have to leave. I just said, now leave. Because we're all going insane. We're all insane. Now it's officially on with the were fucking Nuts. Lawyers have strangled the life and the humanity out of this country. Whatever happened to the point or the part where I just say to someone, I get it. I can't wear a Coca Cola T shirt. And I'm not.

[Brian Bishop]

She's the T shirt. Gustavo.

[Allison Rosen]

It's 41 degrees outside and we're doing the Apprentice where everyone's wearing suits and ties and jackets. And I get it. I will not be wearing. I understand what a logo is. I'll not be wearing anything with it. And then I said, what about Paul Tuttle? Cause Paul Tuttle, I was joking with her because every single time you see him, he's wearing American Chopper apparel. Hoodie, sweatshirt, you know, shirt. It's all American Chopper. American Chopper. American Chopper. I said, how'd Paul get away with that? And he said, oh. She said, oh, we cleared that. And I said, who'd you clear it with? We cleared it with Paul. And I said it was okay with Paul then to advertise his brand on your network. And he's like, yeah, we got that. And she's, like, taking me seriously. He never is seen without something that has his logo on it. So that. That is the one I was dying to tell, just because it was bugging the shit out.

[Brian Bishop]

So did you win? Did she not look in your drawer?

[Allison Rosen]

No, she did not look in the drawer. I just told her to leave. Just fucking leave, I said, as I say to everyone, I do understand your job. I understand it very well. And I do understand there's somebody above you who's going to ask you, did you look in Adam Carollis? And I can tell you. Feel free to tell them yes, because I will not be wearing anything with a logo on it, nor do I have anything with a logo on it. So let's get on with our lives. Please, can we get on with our lives, Sling box.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not watching right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Damaschek]

What is the danger, legally, if you wander into a shot with a Nike shirt? Like, what? What are they clearing?

[Allison Rosen]

What now? There's no.

[Gary]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all about. You see, everyone thinks, well, what does Nike care? That's just free advertising for Nike.

[Gary]

It's the other advertiser.

[Allison Rosen]

Advertisers paid good money to be on the show.

[Dave Damaschek]

Pepsi would not be pleased if you walked in.

[Gary]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. That's right. That's right.

[Dave Damaschek]

That is the height of paranoia.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Gary]

It's. It's crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's big time. That was good.

[Gary]

The.

[Allison Rosen]

The. The boardrooms are what they are. They're intense. They're literally hot because every single room, and you guys know it from working here. Now shut the air. You have to shut the air because of the sound. You can't have this. You don't know how loud air conditioning is until someone's hang holding a boom mic up by it. Air is always off, lights are always cranked up, and everything takes 10 times as long as it should. And when you take 16, 17, his kids, there's a big boy's in there, his hair. You got 21, 22 people in a smallish room with a bunch of lights and no air. Somewhere around minute 80, it gets hot and it's like. It's literally the heat is on. Like, you go in there and you sit down and. And he makes you wait. Like, you sit, you sit, and then he comes walking in.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you actually. Did you feel nervous or intimidated or angry or. All those things that people seem to.

[Allison Rosen]

Feel on that show, they create, by the way, when you leave. Not saying I did, but when you leave, when one leaves, you might still be there when one leaves, they give you a card for a therapist.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it one of the trumps?

[Dave Damaschek]

Classy therapist.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, classiest therapist in Manhattan, I can tell you that. They create this environment where you're sequestered and they create this heat fever. And none of the staff. You get into the van and you go, where are we going? And they go, I don't know. And you get to know some of the segment producers and you're like, come on, sweetie, where are we going? They don't tell you. And then you get to where you're going and you're like, all right, let's get out of this van. Like, not yet, not yet. And you'll sit in that van for half an hour until they're ready to sort of do with you what they do with you. There's no going. There's no tipping anyone's hand.

[Gary]

It's all.

[Allison Rosen]

And they'll put you in that room, and you'll sit in your war room for three hours just waiting. And then you'll get the Mr. Trump is ready to see you kind of thing. And you'll march in there and you'll sit, and then you'll wait 15 minutes, and then he'll just come walking out with this shit, eating green onions, looking around. He'll just be looking at everybody, and it'll just do a thing. And he's very good at what he does. He says, you know, he'll do that thing where I'll Go, Brian. Who's the weakest person on this staff? And I'm gonna answer for you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay?

[Allison Rosen]

I will be, Brian. And me, even though you're in the room.

[Dave Damaschek]

Okay, I'm with you.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone's great. Everyone does a great job. Everyone busts their hump, right? But if you had to choose the weakest person, name one person, just name one person that isn't as good as another. And then you'd go, listen, I think Mike lynch is one of the hardest working, smartest, funniest guys out there, right? But who would you get rid of if you had to get rid of one person?

[Dave Damaschek]

But in this case, who didn't pull their weight? They're all excellent people.

[Adam Carolla]

We love them all.

[Allison Rosen]

They're all good people. They're great.

[Dave Damaschek]

But in this one case, and he'd.

[Allison Rosen]

Be like, you do five rounds of everyone works hard, everyone busts their ass and everyone whatever. But if you had to decide one person, you'd be like, well, Dawson, because sometimes I just feel like his voiceover work and his selection of cheese and the calzones was a little. And then next thing you know, Dawson goes, you want to talk about me? Brian? Brian, I was the one who told you.

[Gary]

I said.

[Allison Rosen]

When we were at the costume store, I said to get an extra costume for George, and you said we were covered, and guess who didn't have a costume. You told me. You told me we were good and I told you. And then it goes to. Then it goes to. Well, listen, maybe, you know, maybe if you're. Maybe if your marriage had worked out, you wouldn't be this bitter. Like, I mean, that's how it keeps ratcheting.

[Brian Bishop]

What do they say to you?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it fucking. It, Ratch. It just. It starts ratcheting. So it goes from nobody. Everyone's great to something professional like. Well, I guess he could have worked a little harder when he was. We're all painting the mural and he didn't quite paint as much. And then it goes to.

[Brian Bishop]

On the man show.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. It gets to something personal, so. And it gets out of control.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I hope you were there to play the game and not make friends.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, the chick. The chicks got out of control. They always do fast.

[Dave Damaschek]

They're worse than.

[Allison Rosen]

This is why, by the way. This is why. They're 51% of the population and could never be a female president because they're fucking up each other's koozes immediately.

[Brian Bishop]

I know.

[Allison Rosen]

They're all up in each other's grill and they fuck it. And by the way, they'll sell the other one out like that. And they're calling them of has beens and blah blah, blah. I mean, it's just like it got gnarly in that room. So there's a lot of good stuff there.

[Dave Damaschek]

What percentage of the group had you already met or familiar with? Because you obviously have Lamp and Alley and Penn Chillette and George Takei and blah blah, blah.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you like to know the list of people who are going to be on?

[Allison Rosen]

Because I have to hear some.

[Gary]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Go ahead and prattle those.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, and she's reading names. Who did you meet? Anyone as they're reading the names.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll do it in between.

[Dave Damaschek]

Thank you. Of people that maybe you enjoyed and will keep in touch with.

[Brian Bishop]

Debbie Gibson, future friends.

[Allison Rosen]

Paulie Surprising. Paulie Tuttle. Paul Senior, you know, sent me, sends me texts, texts me and says, you know, Arsenio to, you know, you know, sort of keep in touch. Clay Aiken, we had on the show not too long ago. No, not so. Aubrey and I are. She's ambitious, very ambitious.

[Brian Bishop]

Tia Carrera left her work in Wayne's World.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Patricia Velasquez.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. She was, she's like sort of a actor activist or something now.

[Brian Bishop]

Lisa Lampanelli.

[Allison Rosen]

Great.

[Brian Bishop]

Arsenio Hall. Adam Carolla. I know him. George Takei, Penn Jillette, Paul Tuttle, Michael Andretti, Dee Snider.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Well, now, let's not forget, remember there was that death in Indy, Dan Weldon. Dan weldon, good looking, 33 year old dude. Died in the IndyCar race we were talking about a few months back. So dig this. And I told you that I was at a race. Now I was doing a race in Monterey a few months back and the.

[Gary]

Dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Who came in, okay, so everyone, I've sort of told half this story before, but sort of dig this in its own weird way. Dan Weldon's a two time Indy winner. The second time he won Indy was the last Indy. Indy 500 is arguably the biggest one day sporting event in the world. Really? I mean it draws, I don't know, 400,000 fans. I mean it's insane. It's three, four Rose Bowls full of people. Dan Weldon won the race. The reason Dan Weldon won the race for the second time, the Indy 500 was because the guy who was in the lead hit the wall for no good reason.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ran into the wall, like unabated.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean if you show footage of it, people are like. And the guy introduced himself to me. The guy ran in the wall when I was at Laguna Seca as the guy who came in second place at Laguna came in second place at ind. I immediately knew. Oh, you mean the rookie dude who was winning the race and had the.

[Gary]

Last turn to complete.

[Allison Rosen]

And it was one of those things where the announcers were saying, you know, it's like, Joe Pisarczyk, you know, oh, he's just gotta take it. Oh, it's a fumble. It was like, all right, miracle in the Meadowlands.

[Dave Damaschek]

Herm Edwards.

[Allison Rosen]

Herman Edwards. Yeah. But the point is, they were announcing as he was turning the corner, well, he's gonna take the checkered.

[Gary]

He's gone into the wall.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, it was like they were announcing he was winning as he wasn't the third to last lap. It was the last lap. That guy's last name is like, Hildebrand or something like that. What the hell?

[Brian Bishop]

Dan Hildebrand.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Hildebrand. Now, that guy introduced himself to me, and that guy was not in traffic. That guy did not have Dan Weldon up his butt. That guy was not doing anything. He just magically got sucked into the wall on the very last turn. The biggest race in the world. And then Dan Weldon went on to win. And then Dan Weldon was dead, like, two and a half, three months later. Now, I showed up in New York on Wednesday or whatever it was Thursday to do the. I think it was Thursday or Friday. I showed up to do the.

[Gary]

Get.

[Allison Rosen]

To know dinner, you know, cocktail party that night. Oh, hey, it's Lou Ferrigno. Hey.

[Gary]

Cheryl Tieg.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like. Oh, hey.

[Gary]

Oh, Lisa Lampanelli. Good.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm so excited to see you. Penn Jillette.

[Gary]

Great.

[Allison Rosen]

You know all this. And I was met by Marco Andretti, who's Michael Andretti's son. And it's. Oh, Marco Andretti is going to be. He's an IndyCar driver. Fantastic. So Marco and I immediately start talking racing and cars and blah, blah, blah. And he said. I said, well, what's going on? And he said, well, you know, I can't go to the press junket tomorrow. I have to go to Vegas to do the Indy race, and then I'll be back Sunday, and then we'll start the Apprentice. And he went to the Vegas race on Sunday, and his teammate, Dan Weldon was killed. So he just went and he.

[Adam Carolla]

This podcast is supported by Talkspace.

[Gary]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us.

[Brian Bishop]

Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Adam Carolla]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online military members, veterans, and their dependents ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers, all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Brian Bishop]

I just answered a few questions online, and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me, and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up, and they accept.

[Gary]

Tricare.

[Brian Bishop]

Therapy was going so well, my husband and I started seeing a couple's therapist through Talkspace too.

[Adam Carolla]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military go to talkspace.com military to get started today.

[Allison Rosen]

That's talkspace.com military he was also an Andretti team. Michael Andretti. Dad told me he just signed him, like, before the race or was going to sign him after race to his team or. The guy was 33, for Christ's sake. So he just basically went to this race. So one minute you're at a cocktail party with the guy, and the next minute I think, I hope this is. This is him hitting the wall. Yeah, this isn't Dan Weldon. I don't want to see Dan Weldon die. But this is Hildebrand. And the announcers are just saying, oh, the guys, he's lapping traffic. Turn it up.

[Gary]

It just.

[Allison Rosen]

Hit the wall for no reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Dan Weldon is going to win the race.

[Allison Rosen]

And he slid across the finish line and got second. And as I said, what magical force pushed him into the wall? You know what I'm saying? Like, knowing that the guy who was five seconds behind him was gonna be dead in three months. Is there some weird great magnet. The guy completed, you know, 200 successful laps or whatever, whatever. However long the track is, I don't know. But without hitting the wall. But it's somehow on that last one, he got sucked in. Dan Weldon won, and I don't know, three months later, Dan Weldon was dead. So very weird.

[Brian Bishop]

How did Dan Weldon die?

[Allison Rosen]

He got into a crash at. I don't want to see the crash. It was in Vegas, and it's a track that's too tight, and the drivers didn't like it, and he just got sucked up into the catch fence and just caught. And just went airborne and just disintegrated and young guy gone. So now Marco Andretti is, like, too distraught to come back and do the show. So his dad, Michael Andretti, shows up and takes his place. That's why Michael Andretti. It used to be Marco Andretti.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, interesting.

[Gary]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

What an opportunistic dad.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is Mario still alive? The Grandfather.

[Gary]

Yeah. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's.

[Dave Damaschek]

He's a racing family.

[Brian Bishop]

I know that.

[Gary]

Sorry. Yeah, for the list.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always talking.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you're right. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right. Let's take a phone call or two. Hey, Herbert.

[Herbert]

Hey, Adam. Get it on. How you going, mate?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, what's going on? I don't know anyone named Herbert. Good to see you, buddy. What's going on?

[Herbert]

You said that last time I rang up, but which I know you remember. Of course.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure. What time is it?

[Gary]

In Australia?

[Herbert]

It is 10 to 3 in the afternoon.

[Brian Bishop]

What are you doing up?

[Herbert]

What am I doing up? It's a. It's a good question. I'm actually sitting by, hanging out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep. What's going on?

[Herbert]

Not much. Not much. I'm sort of ringing up because I've been a big fan of yours for quite a while and I sort of want to know if there's anything I could do to try and get you out here to do some live shows.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you own a theater?

[Herbert]

Not currently, no.

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck? Why are we talk. Why am I wasting my breath?

[Brian Bishop]

You don't get out of bed for. For this.

[Gary]

What do you do, Herbert?

[Herbert]

I'm a horticulturalist. I've got sort of a gardening and landscaping business.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, that's the same as owning a theater.

[Herbert]

It's like the next thing. It's literally the next thing.

[Brian Bishop]

It is an orchard or an arbor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's a lateral one.

[Herbert]

You don't have gardeners though. You have Mexicans, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's true. We have guys with leaf blowers who mow lawns, but they're not really specialists. They don't take the kind of pride in the work that you do, Herbert.

[Herbert]

No. We need a couple of border countries with immigrants, but we'll get there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. It'll bite you in the ass, Herbert. What you can do is you can get, you know, a thousand of your closest friends together and I'll come out and we'll do a show. Yeah.

[Herbert]

Brian, would you do, like, if I could organize like an online petition or similar type thing where people committed, you would come out?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I've always wanted to go to Australia. Everyone tells me, you should go to Australia. It's one of those, oh, you gotta go to Australia places. I mean, people don't say that about, you know, like, it's sort of like Hawaii is like, eh. You don't need to go to Hawaii after people go to Hawaii, but Australia is. Oh, you gotta go to Australia.

[Dave Damaschek]

I always wanted to go. That'd be awesome. Hey, did his friends call him Herb.

[Brian Bishop]

Or Bert or Herbie?

[Herbert]

Yeah, I get all three. I mean, like you say, not many people these days are called Herbert, so I get all sorts of combinations of all of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Herbert]

Can I just say on the sort of live podcasting thing, I know we don't want to talk about Kevin Smith too much, but he coming out in a couple of months.

[Gary]

Oh, really?

[Herbert]

He sold out. He sold out an 1800 seat theater twice.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then we should be able to do. Come on, mate. No, look, maybe there's something to this. We'll talk to Mike August about it. But you know what, Herbert, get ready, buckle up for funny because here comes a punny. This is going to be a grassroots effort on your behalf. Grassroots because he cuts lawns.

[Brian Bishop]

Nice.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Herbert]

All right, Herbert, good to talk to you. Take it easy. Love the show. Thanks, guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Love you, buddy. Loving you.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good old Herb and or Bert.

[Allison Rosen]

I just feel like everyone from every other English speaking country is better than we are. Is that fair?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Is that fair to say?

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty much.

[Dave Damaschek]

Well, on a technicality I'll say no, because some of those South American countries, technically first language is English and that's much worse. But I know what you're saying. The spirit of what you're saying is correct.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, let's all limit it to white English speaking countries. They're all better. They have a better sense of humor. They're just better Canadians.

[Brian Bishop]

They take the piss. We never do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Canadians are just nice. I'll put it this way. Here's how you can judge it. Here's how you can judge it. Hot chicks from Canada are much fucking nicer than hot chicks from Florida for sure. You see what I'm saying? And hot chicks from Australia are much cooler to hang with. Like, I've met hot chicks from these places. You, like, do shots with them and hang out and like belch after they chug a beer and stuff. Like hot. There's no. Our hot chick behavior is appalling. We have horrible. Our hot chicks are the worst. They're the most attitude. They're. I don't know what. I think our society kind of fucks them up. There's something about.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. They're representing hot chicks when they're overseas and they're doing a horrible job. Ours are.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, by the way, this is why.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, we are.

[Allison Rosen]

You wouldn't see any hot chick. You don't see hot chick tennis players from this country.

[Brian Bishop]

True.

[Allison Rosen]

You see hot chick tennis players from other countries. Why? Because once our chicks hit 13 and realize they're hot. They're like, you want me to do.

[Gary]

Four hours of what a day?

[Allison Rosen]

Drop the racket the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm fucking going out.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna be a modeler.

[Allison Rosen]

Just to fucking. No, think about it. We don't have hot chicks doing stuff. About the best we'll ever get is Mia Hamm. Like kicking a soccer ball. And she's cute, but there's no Maria. There's no career.

[Brian Bishop]

Maria for hot chicks here is like showgirls on a game show, right? Auto show stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

No, the fact that we don't have hot chick tennis players will let you know right now that our hot chicks are lazy and self entitled and that there's no way a statuesque hot blonde would go to fucking tennis camp starting at 5am and go for nine hours a day like all through her teens. At some point she'd find a mirror in high school and be like, fuck this, I'm going out on a football team. Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

She didn't even ice skateboard.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So how do the hot chicks act? I was in Vancouver, you know, four months ago and I was just sitting around. We're just sitting in clubs and stuff. Hot chicks are totally friendly over there. And it wasn't like hey man show. It was just sort of regular, just good looking chicks just sort of buzzing around and not doing that. I'm a hot chick, so I'm a hot. Come on. I didn't have to stand over here and you guys come stand around me now. Just a goofy sense of humor. Just nothing. No attitude, no pretense. Yeah, I think that's how you can judge it. Who? I would like someone to make a power ranking of hottest to coolest chicks. I mean, there's no such thing. See, like it's that sort of bond, hot bond chick syndrome. There's Denise Richards. There's no such thing as a real American version of a ballistics expert or Soviet whatever, nuclear. Who looks like that from here, but in different kind. Like I'll give you an example. All right, what's her name? Perfect example. You know, I'm talking about. Can somebody Google what's her name and get the goddamn image up here for a fucking. Throw my shoe through that glass, Dawson. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, no, her, that's what's her face.

[Gary]

What's her name?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, and not what's her nuts now what's her nose? What's her fucking name?

[Brian Bishop]

What does she do?

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, I'll tell you who and you'll throw her name out in a second. The hot blonde correspondent from 60 Minutes.

[Brian Bishop]

Who was basically, oh, Laura Logan.

[Allison Rosen]

Laura Logan who was gang raped by the horrible. One of those countries that fucking needs to be burnt down. That's how they celebrate. By the way, you're gonna see him on a bad day. I know Laura Logan. Laura Logan is a hot, like semi busty, super smart, like, bikini model who went to, you know, whatever, went to journalism school or whatever. There's no. Of course she has an accent. There's no. There's no. There's no Laura Logan from Florida. Because when you look like that, you don't go to jail. Finish journalism school.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't even go to journalism.

[Allison Rosen]

She's English or South African. South African. That's my Laura Logan. That's all you need to know. They don't exist. We have hot chicks who play them in movies. Yes, but we don't exit. We don't.

[Gary]

We have Jessica Alba who plays a.

[Allison Rosen]

Smart chick in real life. But then you interview her.

[Brian Bishop]

When I first saw Lara Logan, I thought, really, this exists in real life?

[Gary]

Not.

[Allison Rosen]

No, not in real life. I mean, not in these borders.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

This would not exist here. See what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

You with me?

[Dave Damaschek]

I'm totally on with that. I'm wondering where the. I guess the sideline reporters sort of fall into that thing where it's like, I'm too hot to swing a racket. I'm gonna hold this microphone and look pretty.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's like our version of that is a sideline reporter. But those guys, there's all the hard work they're training, they're just stilted and really don't. Most of them don't know the game. And the ones that do know the game are the ugly ones. All right.

[Gary]

Ugly.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Less attractive. Less attractive.

[Dave Damaschek]

I know what you mean.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. You know what I mean. How did somebody. Where are those power rankings on hottest chicks from countries?

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, the thing you asked for three minutes ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. With what's her nose at the top of the line.

[Dave Damaschek]

We're on that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Best way to propose. Hey, Eric, Adam. What's going on?

[Herbert]

What's happening?

[Allison Rosen]

Calling from Memphis. What's going on, my brother?

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for taking my call.

[Herbert]

I love the pods.

[Allison Rosen]

Loving you, baby.

[Gary]

Yeah, and also I love the backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Bear jerk off technique.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

It's the only way to keep a Kodiak away. Leads into my question. The girl that I would love to propose to is an outdoors girl. And I am as well, not an.

[Adam Carolla]

Outdoors girl, but an outdoors guy.

[Allison Rosen]

I get you.

[Gary]

And I'm asking, how should I propose to her? And also how should I not propose to her dad, but how should I ask her dad?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I can tell you from personal experience, you know, go ahead and take 10 minutes and do it right, because it will haunt you for the rest of your life and you'll be the subject of much ridicule at, you know, gatherings and parties after your then wife has a couple of cocktails and go, oh, well, this one. Especially when you start hanging around with the one uppers who are like, well, what he did is he hired a skywriter and he. When I went, we. Well, we were in first off, I don't even know the name of it. It's a part of Mexico that doesn't have a name because not on a map, but we had our own island. Anyway, we were lying there and all of a sudden this biplane comes over top and it's like, really? Because you know what Adam did? I was sitting on a sofa and he came over and threw a ring at me and said, there's. And then he would. Then he turned the TV on. So you see, you will start in comparison. You see, you see what I'm saying?

[Gary]

It will be.

[Allison Rosen]

It will haunt you. It will haunt you. So you don't want to fuck it up getting down on a knee like going old fashioned. You'll never fuck that up. I wouldn't get. I would. Here's all you need is enough so that when they start telling the stories with the other girls at the party, because it will inevitably come up, how did he propose?

[Gary]

And.

[Allison Rosen]

And even 20 years from now it will come up of, well, how did he propose? Well, how did your husband propose? However that works, you need to be covered. You need to create a. Oh, but you know, I don't. You know the whole part where you're gonna go bungee jumping and do it mid air and all that kind of stuff? That part I don't feel you need.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it needs to be extreme.

[Allison Rosen]

You need someone like Allison Rosen to go, oh, that is so.

[Brian Bishop]

Just show me a puppy and I'll do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that is so. That is.

[Gary]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I advise against putting a ring in food though. Or like some kind of. What do you eat in the wild? A canteen. Don't stick it in a canteen because she could choke.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, don't do anything like that.

[Gary]

String.

[Herbert]

Shock and awe situation.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? String together a couple of choice words and make sure that the wife can remember those words, because it'll be the. He got down on one knee. He said, you complete me, and I'd like to be completed for the rest of my life. And every fucking chick will just go, oh, my God. Except for my wife will go, are you kidding me? You know what, Adam? Did you see what I'm saying? Come up with something corny, you know, like a bad bumper sticker.

[Dave Damaschek]

What did I just do?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, you could just use the word love. I'd suggest putting the word love in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

Make.

[Allison Rosen]

Just make.

[Brian Bishop]

And put a few. Pat it with a few sentences.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but don't. Don't get too long. Like, whatever you could fit on a custom license plate frame.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I hate my grandmother and my grandkids, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, something like that. Something short and sweet that she can keep repeating at parties. And drop down to the knee.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, start with ever since I met you. I. We like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Girls like that don't get super wordy. Talk about how you knew she was the one.

[Dave Damaschek]

Carve something. They're outdoorsy, right? Carve something into a tree.

[Gary]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Dave Damaschek]

Go out in the.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Dave Damaschek]

Go out. Just into the tree.

[Allison Rosen]

Try to stay away from compliments. Like, you're super tight down there.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

And if she cries, wipe at your eyes as if you're crying, too.

[Allison Rosen]

And don't do the caveats. Like, you know, this is going to last forever unless I win the lottery or I get that book published.

[Dave Damaschek]

What are the chances of that?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you know, don't do the caveats. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's understood, right?

[Gary]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like I just want to blow through a couple of these calls here. Hey, Kerry.

[Herbert]

Ace, man. Happy New Year.

[Allison Rosen]

You sound either hot, crazy, or both.

[Herbert]

God bless you. I'm more hot than crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Because when I get the big breath at the beginning, when I get.

[Herbert]

That was my total excitement about being on the air with the podcast.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you look like, sweetie?

[Herbert]

Well, I'm a brunette, long hair, and.

[Adam Carolla]

The show has reached.

[Herbert]

Not your type. I've got breast implants, so we could never be.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, we could try.

[Herbert]

All right. All right, then.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I think they're too big. And you could never get close to her.

[Herbert]

Proportioned and very hourglassy.

[Allison Rosen]

I get it.

[Herbert]

I'm not like the two skinny strip club girls.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like that.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Phoenix Scottsdale area is the leading area for breast implants.

[Herbert]

I believe it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true. Well, look, you Meet a lot of disposable income. Meets a lot of tank tops. Going to meet a lot of boob jobs. So, Kerry, what do you do over there in Phoenix?

[Herbert]

I pretty much have your stereotypical sit in a cubicle and do an ambiguous function type of job, which I've had since. Since I've graduated college. So I place purchase orders, I chase parts, and we manufacture ambiguous things, and it's sucking the life out of me slowly. I was recently at this comedy show at the Orpheum in Phoenix in December that you might remember, and you ended that specific show saying that we should be going after our dream. And I think my problem is I don't. What's my dream?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Gary]

There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

She's out of the cubicle into her pubicle. Stage four. Stage four. Sorry, Ball.

[Herbert]

Kind just made my life with that drop. Like, I. I can call it a life now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, And I'm so glad because I normally end my shows with White People Unite. But this one, I ended with Chase.

[Gary]

The dream because I had an idea.

[Allison Rosen]

That you might be calling in. Would have been a horrible outing otherwise.

[Gary]

All right, here's what I would say.

[Allison Rosen]

Kerry, as I was talking about in the show, assess yourself and be realistic. And first off, everyone feeds you this fucking line of bullshit of like, oh, well, everyone's great at something. There's something inside of you. Some star waiting to come out, some.

[Gary]

Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all these fucking Katy Perry songs. It's all bullshit because now you're 35 with fake tits and you're living in a cubicle in Phoenix, and you're pissed.

[Brian Bishop]

And she's making ambiguous parts.

[Allison Rosen]

You're making ambiguous. So here's the thing. The first thing you do with everybody is you go, like, what do you want to do versus what can you do? Like, you go, I want to sing. I want to sing. It's like, but you can't. You don't have a good voice. You're not good at it. So assess where you're at, because your dream is going to be difficult to obtain if you have talent, impossible to obtain if you don't possess that talent. So becoming a professional singer is tough enough if you have a good voice. If you don't have a good voice, it then becomes impossible. Same with athletics. Same with sometimes comedy and many other things. So first off, really just sit down and go, what am I good at? She's making ambiguous parts. And speaking of parts, one of my.

[Gary]

Parts just got filled with blood.

[Allison Rosen]

Cherokee Stage four. All right, where was I?

[Herbert]

Awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you need to figure out what you're good at. And the good news is you can kind of make a lot of money doing anything. Like, even if it's like, all right, well, I'm really good at arranging flowers. Well, you can start an online flower business and nexcno be the next pro flowers or something. It doesn't have to be. I'll get a job at a flower shop making $9 an hour. But you may have to start there.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not Janet from Three's Company.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. And then work a dream, work your way up. Be realistic, sit down and go, what are my strengths? I'm good at making ambiguous junk, and I have a couple of nice fake C cups. But what else are my strengths? Can you dig it, Carrie?

[Herbert]

I can.

[Dave Damaschek]

Ambiguous junk. Your porn name.

[Allison Rosen]

Ambiguous junk. All right, great. They Might Be Giants song. One more line. Two. Justin.

[Herbert]

Hey, man, how you doing?

[Allison Rosen]

What's going on?

[Herbert]

Not a whole lot.

[Gary]

I just wanted to get your take.

[Herbert]

On horrible baby names that are coming out. And I'm not just talking about black people, but I feel like white people are trying to throw their hat into the ring on this. I have some friends that are naming their kids like a daughter Sailor Rainier. Oh, yeah, And Raiden with two wives.

[Allison Rosen]

Raiden. Can I say this, too? It's called a middle name, not a middle names. You know, like when people go, this is little Taylor, Charity, Chastity, Tinker, Spy, Weldon. Yeah, it's not four middle names, it's fucking one.

[Brian Bishop]

And God forbid you're Catholic, you're gonna have 17 names by the time you're done.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I can decide on one as a guy has none. I'm pissed at the fucking nine middle name things. Let me tell you the tune out factor as you start to approach the fifth name. When you're telling people this is little Diana, Taylor, Charity, Chastity, Dakota. It's like, oh, he just immediately starts to fucking. I'll start thinking about anything but your kid's name. And what am I going to do? Like, write it down. Oh, boy, that's going to fit nicely on a charm bracelet. It's like, shut up, you obnoxious ass wipe. Hey, Justin.

[Herbert]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You're in Seattle?

[Gary]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, I'm coming out there in March.

[Herbert]

I already got my tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

I love you. Yeah. You want to hang out after the show? Of course. Come by. I'll sign your book or your whatever.

[Herbert]

All right, cool.

[Allison Rosen]

Love you, buddy.

[Brian Bishop]

Just me. Or has it suddenly become vaguely homoerotic? Very vaguely more Than vaguely. Very.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, you should have seen me and Lou Ferrigna. I interviewed him for my room. Very homoerotic.

[Brian Bishop]

One microphone.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Came over in his shorts, his flip flops.

[Gary]

That guy's got calves.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me tell you what. Tell you what. There's no worse thing in the world than Lou Ferrigno. When you're down in the. He's 59, he's built like a brick shithouse. When you're down in the workout room and you're on the fucking elliptical. Cause you just had your knee repaired from the arthroscopic whatever. And then Lou Ferrigno walks in and you're like, oh, does he go straight.

[Brian Bishop]

For the weights or does he work out on the little machine?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he does 20 minutes of cardio. He actually. It's in the basement. So his actual exercise, lifting the ceiling, which is how he actually lifts the building. Yeah, it's great. Hands like mitts. All righty, then. Amazon, baby. Oh, love the support. Love what you guys are doing. You know what you're doing? You're blowing wind into the sail of our pirate ship. That is.

[Brian Bishop]

I did not see it going that way.

[Allison Rosen]

I like when people say, that is at the end. Yeah, baby. You're making the dream come alive. I love you so much. You're going to buy anything on Amazon. What do you do? Well, you go to AdamKroll.com, you click on the Amazon banner and pow. Beak moistened. Love you so much. So whatever you get. And I know you guys have computers, that's how you hear us. And I know you do a lot of shopping and it has been an amazing success. And we're now building the new studios and possibly an office for Mike lynch back there. Because you guys have done us right.

[Gary]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

No windows through Amazon. So thank you so much. Anything you're going to buy, you find the link, support the show and boom. And we've added to Canada and uk. We should do Australia so we can get that. Our one guy over there.

[Brian Bishop]

Herbert.

[Gary]

Herbert.

[Allison Rosen]

Alrighty, quick break. We got the news coming up. Dave Danishek back in the hissy neck.

[Gary]

Chubby face.

[Allison Rosen]

Dave Danishek.

[Larry Miller]

He has a chubby face.

[Gary]

He tied the knot and then he gained some weight.

[Allison Rosen]

It all went to his face.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why Dave Dameshek has a chubby face.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it works for Big Ben. Big Ben is a chubby face guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking the same thing, Ace. I was. I was just talking about that. Now he has the same affliction that I do, which Is. I call it the Travolta syndrome. The first 15, you know, neck up. Some people, they put on a. They get a beer belly. Not me, Not Ted Kennedy, not Big.

[Brian Bishop]

Ben Robinson, not the arsonist who looks like Will Arnett either.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, let's show that. Yeah, that arsonist, the guy in Hollywood who's been lighting everything on fire.

[Gary]

I said it yesterday.

[Allison Rosen]

Will Arnett. Put that donut down. You're gonna end up like this dude, man.

[Gary]

You got a real problem.

[Allison Rosen]

He is bucketheaded. Will Arnett. Is he.

[Adam Carolla]

Same expression even on Will Arnett and the arsonist.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the same dude. Now this.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And so if you took a look at Ben, Big Ben Roethlisberger from just the neck up, you would not think that he was an athlete.

[Adam Carolla]

No, indeed.

[Allison Rosen]

You think it was a guy just chug beers and watch other guys play the game. Unlike the dreamy Drew Brees or the aforementioned Tom Brady.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he came up in conversation today over there at NFL Network. No, actually, at the Kimmel show. You're familiar with Jimmy Kimmel, I believe.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too. But that's a discussion for another time and place. But yeah, I was talking about the fact that Rother people were taking their cheap shots as playoff season is about to begin, about how can you support this guy? And I said, I wouldn't want my daughter to wind up with this character Roethlisberger. But on the other hand, I resent because the Steelers are about to play the Denver Broncos, and of course, Tebow mania has swept the land. And I resent the Chris Collinsworths of the world. Most analysts for some reason feel obliged to say this when they criticize him. I don't say what you want about the way he throws a football, but any father would be thrilled, right, for their daughter to bring him home as their suitor. They. They would. Unless. Unless you're Jewish, Muslim, atheist, or not insane about your religion.

[Allison Rosen]

The other 98% of the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, that'd be fun to have that guy come into your house and want to lead the prayer circle before dinner.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what would be funny to do right here? Take a night find. Find the fattest headed picture of Ben.

[Brian Bishop]

Roethlisberger and put it next to Gerard Depardieu.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah. Who's more of a. More of a wildcat offensive player. You bring him in on the third.

[Gary]

And fourth and short situation.

[Allison Rosen]

Situation type player. He's a slot man. Depardieu. No, you put that. And then you write at the bottom in Froot Loops. Serial Rapist. Heavy, Heavy. Hold on, I gotta do it.

[Gary]

Why don't you stop talking for a while?

[Allison Rosen]

With a question mark in Captain Crunch? No, Frankenberry. Serial Rapist.

[Dave Damaschek]

Just go with alphabets and get over with.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wait a minute. Brian's onto something.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't come in big enough font.

[Gary]

Yeah. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Dave Damaschek podcast, the Dave Dan football program, available on itunes. And you can catch [e-mail] that NFL I saw Dave last time was at the NFL Network. It's such a nice complex.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. It feels like a campus, doesn't it?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's beautiful. And it's well hardscaped and softscaped over there because they put a bunch of indigenous plants like cacti and it looks beautiful. It looks like you're somewhere outside of Phoenix or something there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's interesting comparison. And it is sort of like those. When you see those ESPN commercials of mascots walking around. It is sort of like that, you know. Oh, look who it is. It's Michael Irvin.

[Gary]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, hey, yeah, you just stop and start kibitz in with Warren Sapp.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone say that about you? Like, oh, look, it's Dave Damaschek. No, no, they don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Michael Irving. I can't figure out if he's still pissed at me or not. We had an incident.

[Adam Carolla]

I vaguely remember that. Remember we were in New Orleans. That faded. That ill fated trip. Why? I don't even want.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

Because as the playoffs begin, it is. I'll tell it quickly. I hate when people tell the same exact stories over and over again. Except when you and I do it, Adam, because between the two of us, we have nine total stories.

[Allison Rosen]

So I have five, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's true. Now I thank you, Alison. I'm sorry, I can't make that.

[Brian Bishop]

I tried to do that now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I went to the. In January of ought to the prohibitive favorite, the Pittsburgh Steelers. I bought tickets. I had confidence that the Steelers were going to play your Rams in the super bowl down in New Orleans. What better trip? I mean, you know, a gay old time was sure to be happy down there.

[Allison Rosen]

I think Jeff Ross was there and everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was going to be great. And we were all going to be there. And it was going to.

[Allison Rosen]

James, Baby Doll Dixon was there.

[Adam Carolla]

James Baby Doll Dixon was there. That's exactly right. Chris Bohm was there there.

[Allison Rosen]

Everybody I knew was there.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a wonderful time. It was Set up.

[Allison Rosen]

Ralphie May was there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And one of Kimmel's Vegas jumped. There was a bat, there was a bachelor party going on.

[Gary]

It could, we couldn't help but miss.

[Adam Carolla]

And of course it was gonna peak with me going to my first ever super bowl to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers play again. You know, I was over the moon as a, as a, as a afterthought. I thought, you know, listen, I should go and see the Steelers get the win over these overmatched Patriots coming off of the Tuck Rule game. The infamous Tuck Rule game.

[Allison Rosen]

They were, they were not, not, not favorites in that game.

[Adam Carolla]

I went, it was a double digit spread if I recall correctly. But of course I don't talk about those things anymore. But, but now. So I go to, I go to Hines Field. The Steelers improbably lose. Yeah, I, I file out of the stands with, with 65 or 70,000 other people who just are at, you know, it's January in Pittsburgh and so they know there's nothing to be excited about for the next three or four months.

[Allison Rosen]

This was it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody, it's like you just got punched in the gut, right? We walk out of there. On the way home, you hear on the radio Cordell Stewart, the quarterback, being interviewed, and they say, are you upset about this loss? And he says, no, not at all.

[Allison Rosen]

No, not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not at all. You know, sometimes the best team doesn't always win. Hey, Cordell, you're the reason we lost the game. How about the 65,000 people that are upset?

[Allison Rosen]

To be fair, I think black guys learn that early and often with cops pulling them over. You've been drinking? No, not at all. Is there domestic problem? No, not at all. I heard gunfire. To be fair, I think when a white dude comes at him with a question, no, not at all. It's the first thing that comes out. Then later on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm offended too. In our skill set in life.

[Allison Rosen]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been talking with Kimmel's security guards, Phil and Skip a little bit lately. I just picked their brains on things that may come up in the second half of my life. Because I feel like I'm now fully moved in officially into the second portion of my.

[Allison Rosen]

Chris wants to move your microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong, Donovan? To fans of the Daves of Thunder program, this is one half of the double Ds. Of course. Thank you, Donna of it. A pleasure to see you again. You're looking well. I've been asking these guys, could I get away with murder, murdering somebody? I Know now, of course, you could get away with killing somebody you don't know. That would be an easy one. They tell me, no. And I say. I said, what? You're saying nobody can get away with murder? They said, no, you can't. And I said, why not? And they said, you just don't have the makeup for it. And that's a slap in the face. On one hand, it's a compliment. It's that I'm not shifty enough. But on the other hand, I'm offended.

[Allison Rosen]

By that, what happened in the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm going. So I just thought. I just. I was annoyed by.

[Allison Rosen]

I just was.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I just recollected that they've been telling me I can't get. And they agree with it, too. No, we would. Yeah, you would break.

[Allison Rosen]

You got sick of the super bowl, didn't you?

[Adam Carolla]

I went to the Super Bowl. The steel. So I wasn't gonna go, right? I decided it wasn't right for me to go. I had to back out, cancel all my plans. Damn the money. And one Adam Carolla called me and he said instead of his classic Tickled Pink, he altered it. He said, tickled brown for you, Dave, my heart goes out to you, but you're still going to the Super Bowl. I said, no, I'm done. I can't do it. He said, you'll go. And he. And for 40 minutes, he berated me on the phone and insisted that I go. I was touched. So I went. And it was wrong. It was wrong for me to go.

[Allison Rosen]

The football gods, they punished me that.

[Adam Carolla]

Trip because in spite of the wonderful food. And we ran into Michael Irving, if you remember, we ran into Michael Irvin down there while we were eating. He was in some sort of a state. Maybe it was us. I don't remember. We ate oysters. And then. That's my colleague now. We. We ate oysters. And the next day I woke up and I. And by the way, I'm in a room with Cousin Sal, the mixer of all mixers, the greatest co. Worker. Unless he's tormenting you, right? New Orleans hotel room. Now I have to throw up. And I. And I. And I run to the toilet and Cousin Sal is breaking the door down to watch me vomit and laugh hysterically when what's.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the pleasure?

[Gary]

Who wants that?

[Adam Carolla]

Who wants to see it? But, oh, he's in heaven.

[Allison Rosen]

Understand the pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

He is in heaven with it. And I'm throwing my guts in this New Orleans hotel room. And the. And. And you said it exactly right. The football God smoked me that day.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't want me there.

[Allison Rosen]

Baby Doll gets sick too. Or was it just some ass related thing? Because every time he travels, something happens to his asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Or maybe he says that so salad.

[Brian Bishop]

It is a condition.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, of course. And we.

[Allison Rosen]

I know we talked to my bachelor party. I had to sleep with Ray Oldhoffer in the same bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Who had ringworm.

[Allison Rosen]

Who had ringworm.

[Adam Carolla]

He had ringworm on that.

[Dave Damaschek]

That's not the right. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Sleeps like a guy that was thrown out of an 18 story building. How he. His position on the sidewalk is how he sleeps. Those are legs flopped over, lay flop.

[Larry Miller]

Just.

[Allison Rosen]

But you know how he is in real life. He's worse in sleep. He used to hold up a covenant.

[Adam Carolla]

And used every public, you know, facility that we use.

[Allison Rosen]

He put his balls on Jeff Ross's forehead.

[Adam Carolla]

What is to this day? To this day. You know, Ray has emasculated me on more than one occasion by. He does something called the breathing game. He holds your nose and covers your mouth simultaneously. And he's more beast than man.

[Brian Bishop]

You understand?

[Allison Rosen]

There's no way. Worked at Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't free myself.

[Allison Rosen]

Somebody had to explain to him, you can't choke people at work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, the boss, Jimmy Kimmel. Said Ray.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, compared to Ray, this is way back. Ray was 12, 42 and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray couldn't help himself. He was warned by the boss. This stops. You do not play the breathing game ever again. Or it will. Or it will be your job. And he couldn't help himself. He still had to do it.

[Allison Rosen]

It was, I mean, not a game to the person who's trying to breathe a beast.

[Adam Carolla]

He pinned me down.

[Gary]

The point is.

[Allison Rosen]

Because of Baby Doll's ass problems, I. Even though it was my bachelor party, I was forced to share a bed, a fungal bed with Ray, who had ringworm, who was dominating the bed. I didn't want to make contact with him. And he was pulling the car.

[Adam Carolla]

And the hot tub.

[Allison Rosen]

And the hot tub.

[Brian Bishop]

It was dominating the entire voice places.

[Allison Rosen]

Baby Doll got his own room.

[Brian Bishop]

Cause he had to shit it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause he had like ass related problems. And then there was this sort of bunkhouse in the back that Sal was farting up something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Yeah, that's the room I was in. I was in there with the Kimmel brothers in South.

[Allison Rosen]

I opened the door to that room like one of those asses going all night next to a space heater. And then you just open the room and get that Hot rush of ass. And it was like, oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

I suffered a mild form of brain damage.

[Gary]

That definitely.

[Brian Bishop]

When you came home, did all your clothes smell?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they did.

[Allison Rosen]

You would be hosting a game show on network television right now if you did not spend those three days in that room. There's no doubt in my mind, Dave. No doubt in my mind if you've not suffered that trauma.

[Adam Carolla]

It was horrific. And I didn't realize how bad it was. Like Adam says, there is something to that thing of being in a place. And the smell, if the smell builds slowly somehow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

People walked into the room and it was like they just got hit with a two by four.

[Allison Rosen]

You opened the door and you got hit with a fucking wave of hot ass. All right, so anyway, damage now, Michael Urban. I did the show.

[Gary]

Question mark.

[Allison Rosen]

I did Kimmel's show with Michael as the guest. And I was basically explaining to Michael, you black guys, you love your mamas because there's 14 of you. And she had five jobs and she worked her ass off and she made sure everyone had, you know, something clean to wear. You guys love your mom.

[Brian Bishop]

Celebrating the mother.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, you know, and when you get your sign your contract, you buy your mom a house or something. And I basically explained them whitey lukewarm on mama, like, you know, Kimmel, meh, they're all right. You know, hey, they birthed us. We'll give them that. But we don't want to hang with them and sure as fuck ain't buying them a house, you know. So I was explaining and he was giving me the listen, you need to respect your mama. And I said, you don't get it. My mama was making me hot pockets while your mama was cleaning my house. That's why I don't give a shit about. And he laughed it up pretty good. But I think later on, as a matter of fact, I know later on we tried to book him on the show or something. He was pissed off about it. I was making mama jokes. I was really saying that my mama was lazy and his mom was cleaning out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he missed five jobs. Don't worry, I will be the conduit. I will make.

[Allison Rosen]

Please.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause that's what I am.

[Allison Rosen]

Please straighten it out.

[Gary]

All right, Dave, little football talk quickly.

[Allison Rosen]

Before we get in the news. You know me, I'm perpetually scared of the Patriots. Two home games to win this time. Yeah, with the. With. With first off, Brady's 30 and one at home or whatever, they. They get a buy. They got two home games to win. They're. Here's your nightmare. Everyone's like, oh, they're defense.

[Gary]

Their defense.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they score 47 points a game, so they give up 21. So what?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I got in a fair amount. The, the, the bit I do every week at is the shame report and certain fan bases or in fact just about everyone, including Steeler fans who don't know, obviously. I'm born and raised in Pittsburgh. You know that though, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not heard.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I am. I'm. That's where I was. Yeah, I grew up there. I spent all 18 years of my.

[Allison Rosen]

About Beaver Falls once.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's where my mother's from.

[Gary]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Once. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Beaver county now. So, yeah, people always accuse me of hating their team. I have it in for. For their team, when in fact I really only have it in for. For Baltimore. But if you're a New England hater, here's the nightmare scenario for you. It is that the Bengals beat the Texans this weekend and then that would send Cincinnati to Foxborough for the second round. And Cincinnati, you know, has no business being the class or a joke team. I mean, they're fine, but they don't belong in the playoffs. You know, New England would steamroll that team.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you would have the Steelers, presumably assuming they get through Mile High, to play the Baltimore Ravens. So that would be a bloodbath, the typical bloodbath. So whoever survives that one would limp into Foxborough.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you would think wouldn't be obviously at full speed. New England, if that happens, they have about as easy a path as you could ever imagine to a Super Bowl.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that is going to happen. And they have no defense whatsoever.

[Allison Rosen]

It's going to be like winning just two regular season home games for them, essentially. I mean, they'll beat Cincinnati at home any time of the year. They would, they would do that in November at home or any, any other, any other month. And then they will be in the super bowl against Green Bay.

[Adam Carolla]

I say, I said before the season, I said the packers over the Ravens. I stand by that. Now. I still can see that happening. A lot of people are talking about the Saints because they've been playing so well.

[Allison Rosen]

Who is going to play? How are the. How. Who's going to knock off the Pats?

[Adam Carolla]

The Patriots? The Ravens are about the only team I think Pittsburgh would have a chance. Everything, if everything were just so. But they're banged up. They really are decimated by injury. So that's not probably.

[Allison Rosen]

And then when Green Bay, if it's Green Bay in The pants. Who do you take?

[Adam Carolla]

I think the final score to that game will be 237, 231. Neither team plays defense. In fact, have you ever seen this? Must sicken someone who loves defense the way you do.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla, a All Valley performer on the defensive side of the ball, must be disgusting. You don't like to talk about. I know that's not your way.

[Allison Rosen]

You must have Wikipedia that.

[Gary]

I brought that up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All the contenders, the 49ers are a good defensive team, and I guess the Texans are. But I mean, for the majority of these teams, the. Who are the favorites? The Patriots, the Saints, the Packers. They have not just mediocre defenses, garbage defenses. These it's. And they are clearly the best team. Who's going to stop these teams?

[Allison Rosen]

Nobody.

[Adam Carolla]

And the Saints go, here's a. Here's why the Saints don't go to the Super Bowl. They have to beat. They have to beat Stafford and Calvin Johnson. Nobody has stopped them in a month. They have to win that game at home, then go to the. Go to Candlestick. They don't travel well across the country against the best defense. And then if they survive that, they have to go to Cold Lambo and beat Aaron Rodgers. That just ain't going to happen. It's going to be the Packers.

[Allison Rosen]

And here's the thing. Don't you feel this way in life? It's sort of like if you give a contractor a budget where you go, like, we're doing a kitchen, entry hall and bathroom remod. We can't spend $70,000. We can't spend a penny over 70,000. They'll always get to 70,000. If you said, I can't spend a penny over 50, they'll get to 50. Like, they'll just get to where they get to these teams. And everyone is kind of does that. If the professor says, you have two weeks to complete your term paper, it's two. It takes you two weeks. If he tells you you get two months, it takes you two months. If he tells you, it takes two days, it takes you two days. These teams whose offenses perpetually put up 49 points magically let the other guys score 31 points. It's sort of like that thing where it's like, the team hasn't scored a touchdown in three quarters and 14 and a half minutes, and then all of a sudden like, oh, they need to score here. And they just march down and score. Like, why weren't they doing that earlier?

[Adam Carolla]

The 49ers, that just won't you know, people talk. Well, the Giants beat the. The 40 a generation ago, in the early 90s. That one. The. The Rams almost got beaten by the Buccaneers, who had no offense but that great defense. But consider the game is completely different now in 2011. Everybody just lights up the scoreboard.

[Allison Rosen]

Nobody understand Packers.

[Adam Carolla]

Packers will scratch out enough points if.

[Allison Rosen]

You'Re on the D. If you're, you know, if you're a DB and your DB for, you know, and Tom Brady's your quarterback, you got to be saying at some point after the team meeting when you're walking out to your SUV with the custom rims, you know, Tom and Belichick are gonna be good for 40, maybe 44, 49 points. So as long as we hold them under 35, we're walking away with a W. Like, you just don't like the Ravens. They know that they're Gonna put up 10 points. I mean, historically, they're. They're like, look, you know, Ray Lewis is walking back to his SUV with the triple chrome rims, explaining to Tea sizzle, we got to hold these guys to a touchdown, and we're going to.

[Adam Carolla]

Lose all these quarterbacks. And we got this Flacco guy, right?

[Allison Rosen]

We got. Yeah, we got to hold this guy. When you got Brady up there, like, oh, you just give up a field goal or touchdown, you just must walk off the field, go, Brady. Gotta go get us a touchdown now, because we just gave up with two or up. We're down 21, nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Would there be.

[Gary]

Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Go do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would feel obliged knowing myself. I would. I would have to express some shame. Hey, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

That I.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I would just mind the.

[Allison Rosen]

Correlation between how many points your team scores versus how much you give up, because all the teams we're talking about are lighting up the scoreboard, and their defense is just whiffing as well, which is more than a coincidence, because it's not like they drafted a bunch of guys who couldn't play defense. And I'll bet you if they weren't putting up those kinds of numbers, the defense wouldn't be. It's psychological.

[Gary]

I hear. What.

[Allison Rosen]

You're heavy. Heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. Yeah. You are profound tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

Heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Top to bottom about with the whole. The. The hotness scale.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm right.

[Adam Carolla]

Rankings. That's. Well, the only. I will say that maybe this is a. The exception that proves there'd be no.

[Allison Rosen]

Laura Logan, while the news woman that.

[Adam Carolla]

Came to mind, of course, is my beloved Natalie Morales on the Today show at the news desk.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but those are. She doesn't go out in the field. She's just reading. But she's boxing Curry getting raped in the field jacket. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I hear you.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought that was a. A valid point.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, where the. Where the hell were we? A little news perhaps from.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, am I still in the room?

[Gary]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, you don't love sports?

[Larry Miller]

Read some news from her iPad.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes I love it so much that I'm speechless around it.

[Allison Rosen]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Gary]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it.

[Allison Rosen]

Cut your tall assignment.

[Brian Bishop]

Michele Bachmann ended her bid for Republican presidential nomination Wednesday, hours after a disappointing sixth place finish in the Iowa caucus. The Minnesota congresswoman suspended her campaign. A legal technicality that will allow her to continue to raise and spend campaign funds. She said last night the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice. And so I've decided to stand aside.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is everyone so fucking positive? Like, I heard everyone had dropped out. Do the. Yes, we've decided to step aside, but we do not regret for a moment. As a matter of fact, I am proud of each and every one. And. And we've paved the way for. Is there anyone.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a politician's version of no, not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

But they lost.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there one guy can fucking throw his helmet down and go, God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's from Iowa and she's the. The state that I love. I was reared here like, I imagine Cornell's.

[Gary]

You let me down.

[Adam Carolla]

I was.

[Allison Rosen]

Instead of saying I would never change.

[Gary]

I would.

[Allison Rosen]

Instead of, like, I would never change. Another thing. I'm very proud of all my accomplishments and accomplish everything. How much fucking picture fit? Well, this is bullshit.

[Gary]

This sucks.

[Allison Rosen]

What's going on.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes marriages don't work out, right? Was mutual. I mean, yes, I was kicked out. Yeah, it was mutual.

[Allison Rosen]

All their sort of conciliatory speeches are.

[Adam Carolla]

Always saying, poor him over me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I know I'm. No, I'm delight, but please, I'm better than that.

[Allison Rosen]

Total pause. Like, they never.

[Brian Bishop]

They anal juice is named after him.

[Allison Rosen]

The first thing they do is explain how good they've done and how well they did, which is a weird thing. And it's pervasive now because anyone who gets kicked off a reality show, anyone who gets asked who gets cut off a team, anyone that's always like, I know in my heart that I did the best. How about you? Just a. Here's what I'll accept. Tears.

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

Why me? Why does it always happen to Me, I go accept that. I'll accept you cursing a family member. Fucking dad. God damn it. You see what you read?

[Adam Carolla]

You're losing cost us this time, old man.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right, I'll accept that. I'll accept blame for the referees or the people of Iowa or somebody outside of your realm. I'll accept that. But what I won't accept is I did a wonderful job. Well, obviously you've been cut.

[Brian Bishop]

That's like your whole thing about how you should never say I'm doing the best I can.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

Say you're holding back a little bit. That's why you didn't do well.

[Allison Rosen]

When you're fucking up and someone says I'm doing the best I can, that means you're fuck up. It's like slurring your speech and saying, I'm not drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

I always refer to your Paul Abdul syndrome is a great thing. Oh, it's not drugs then. The only other alternative is that you are truly demented.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You're hit on the head with a coconut. A crazy coconut.

[Brian Bishop]

So I claim blood in it. I claim to have.

[Adam Carolla]

And they've made one of those cartoons. It rose up the bruise and it grew a hair. Why did the hair come out?

[Brian Bishop]

And then a bruise bird.

[Adam Carolla]

Nauseating.

[Allison Rosen]

That happened the most not only in cartoons, but perpetuated well into the 60s and 70s in the sitcom. Was that the only way you could undo brain. Severe brain trauma was more brain trauma. The only way Gillicky could get his memory back was another well placed shot with a skillet on the head. It's like. That is for guys, for like neurosurgeons who watch this, who have to examine the brains of ex NFL interior linemans must be appalled at this message being said. You know what's going to get his memory back a third concussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the anvil. Like that's not a whole generation.

[Brian Bishop]

There was a Charles in Charge episode where he hit his head and thought he was Chaz.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Had to hit it again.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to hit it again in order.

[Gary]

Yeah, that's exactly how the brain works.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the other side of that is. I was just. I was just talking about that. Remember the abyss? I remember that. In the, in the abyss. And you see it, it, in it. I mean, listen, we've seen it at least 2, 000 times in TV and movies. The scene where the guy is dead or the woman is dead and they're like, don't you quit on me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And the doctor or the, or the authority Figure comes in and, like, takes the pulse and they're like, he's gone.

[Gary]

He's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Let him go. Let her go already.

[Gary]

Like, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I can't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on, baby. You gotta live.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I need you. I need. You know, they do that and they're out for like, seven minutes, and then they bring them back to life, and then they're like, what? I love you. And then they spit the water up.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I thought I lost you, baby. I would love just one. For the person to be severely brain damaged.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's the reality. Like, I thought I lost you, baby. That would be a great. That would be a neat turn for the movie the Abyss or any other.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know what I want? I want first off, nothing funnier.

[Gary]

How about the dia.

[Allison Rosen]

How about the diagnosis by the layperson that takes less than three seconds where the guy's lying there and he puts his hand on his. He's gone. What are you, a doctor? No one ever goes, well, hold on. You just put your forefinger on the guy on his neck, part of his neck, for less than two seconds and have announced he's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

How many dead. How many people that were still cleaning the light out?

[Brian Bishop]

Settle down. Marcus Welby.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What do you. Yeah, you fuck ate Quincy. How about you.

[Gary]

How about we take a mirror and.

[Allison Rosen]

Put it by his mouth and see if he fogs it up.

[Gary]

We just.

[Allison Rosen]

We're moving on one. And also, how easily the eyelids are closed. I love that move. Like, just the hand just sort of slides across the face and the. Both eyes, never one stays up. And I didn't get it right.

[Adam Carolla]

When movies start to inform. When early movies inform later pictures. And that's. And that's what you see with that eye move. It started out in the 70s when you first saw it. You know, they would make a good effort. They would actually place digits over both eyes and push the thing down. Then it got to by, like, by the end of the 80s, it was really like, I could just wave my hand at you like Merlin, and your eyes would wind up closed. You know, he's gone.

[Allison Rosen]

Like turning. Turning a double play where you just sort of straddle second base and the guy never really touches it. It's just sort of good. That's a double play.

[Brian Bishop]

Turning a letter on Wheel of Fortune.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Same gesture.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And by the way, I'm sorry to keep talking about this, but did you know that when you have surgery, they tape your eyelid shut?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't want you they don't want you waking up and freaking out.

[Brian Bishop]

I saw my. My surgical. I just had surgery, and I saw my surgical report.

[Allison Rosen]

I taped my mouth shut, but he left my eyelids alone.

[Gary]

What was that about?

[Brian Bishop]

You should check your butt. Then.

[Allison Rosen]

Told me it was standard procedure. I said, standard procedure. I got a little something to say about. And then the tape went out.

[Brian Bishop]

Isn't that so creepy, though? I think that's really creepy.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know they did that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's because you can't blink when you're out, and it's so your eyes won't dry out or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

But still, just the idea of the. Just my naked body line there with.

[Adam Carolla]

You just had a surgery. That's a shame. Did you. Did you get to enjoy. Did it interrupt your Hanukkah?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, did you do a Hanukkah?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, actually, I. I'm. I celebrate Christmas. But it did. It did interrupt Christmas.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't do both?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not? Rosen?

[Brian Bishop]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

This is our first opportunity to Jew out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't like the candles or anything like that?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no.

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Brian Bishop]

It. It. It is a long. This is a story not worth going into now, but basically, I didn't know I was Jewish growing up because my parents are weird. Anti Semites, but not really, but just. It's a whole crazy thing. So I always grew up selling, believing in nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't go with the, we better change our surname. Rosen might be a tip off.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I said. I was like, if you want to deny who you are, at least give us a different name. Because I'm not fooling anyone.

[Allison Rosen]

The playmaker didn't find out he was a Jew until his fourth season in the NFL. That's a little tipped for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael Irvin's a Jewish. That never come up in all of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Did not find out until the fourth season.

[Adam Carolla]

The other. Well, the other movie thing, I. Obviously, we could spend 18 hours doing this, but the one that has been on my mind lately that drives me crazy is the. That has nothing to do with reality. Is the cop and the FBI guy at the crime scene arguing over whose crime scene it is. Do cops like, this is my jurisdiction. Like this. This is my crime scene. You know, get out of here, Fed. You know, that kind of thing. It's like, dude, would any real cop do that?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, in real life? Like, hot potato? Like, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fed would come in, like, watch yourself. You're of your jurisdiction. This is my crime scene. All right, I'll be at the Bar, let me, let me know, let me know how it all turns out. Matter of fact, I don't really care that much.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd be like two janitors arguing over who's going to clean up the vomit. Like, all right, I'm going in, I'm going to take a blow. Butt in the back. You go ahead and mop it up. Yeah, the great part is when one guy is the good guy and like for instance, greatest scene ever. Tango and Cash. Beginning of Tango and Cash. Stallone speeds out ahead of the tanker truck. By the way, Stallone, he doesn't get enough credit for being a horrible writer. He just doesn't. People sort of know him for being a horrible actor or horrible husband, but they don't realize just how bad a writer he is because he wrote Rocky and everyone sort of gives him a pass on that. But in Tango and Cash, they're going down a long deserted desert. They're going down a desert highway. And he pulls out in front of him and his convertible. I think it was a Cadillac convertible. Yeah. He pulls out in front of them, he blows past them, he gets in the middle of the road and he pulls out like his snub nose.

[Gary]

38.

[Allison Rosen]

And he starts firing at the semi truck. Now I don't know what his plan is because if his bullet misses, he's gonna get ran over by a semi truck. But they slam the brakes on and for some reason they slam the brakes on and both guys come through the windshield. I've slid, I've slammed my brakes on before. I don't go through the windshield, even if you're not wearing seatbelt. Now you can see by the way the guy driving the rig has a bigger head than even Big Ben does.

[Adam Carolla]

And also white guy, Latino guy, that's your gang there.

[Allison Rosen]

Now let's see. Now his plan is. Now he gets the. You're out of your jurisdiction, you're not part of. And at a certain point he fires into the tanker truck and everyone goes, what? And then cocaine starts, starts pouring out. And he's right. See, not only is it his jurisdict, not his jurisdiction, he's gonna show the guy up. He pulls off, he stops his car. And by the way, when a full tanker truck is going 65 miles an hour and coming at a 3,400 pound convertible car, it will just blow it off like a rail. Like a, like a train would just knock a toy car off a track.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw a road warrior.

[Allison Rosen]

I know he has a revolver here, a snub nose revolver. It's not even like he's got the Magnum or hunting rifle, anything like that.

[Dave Damaschek]

It wasn't loaded.

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't loaded. Oh, he's put his. Put big bullets in. Now he's gonna stop and just fire at the guys who he may hit or he may not hit, but either way, wouldn't the guys just plow through him in his car?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Now this. This is hardly a plan. And there's no way that there's any. There's no police manual in the country that has this in it. Stop your Cadillac and start shooting your very small caliber weapon at the guy. Now, he slams the brakes on. They lock it up and he's confident that they're gonna stop, even though. And then they both come through the front window as you do when you apply the brake to your car. And then he's standing there, eight feet from the stop. I argue. He knew this was in the script. If you don't have a script that you're able to read four or five pages head on. You would not do this with you or your car.

[Gary]

Or your three piece, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Maybe it makes me. Puts me in the camp of squares. But you know, the lieutenant who's. Who's too much of a tight ass for guys like Tango and Cash or Mart or Murtaugh and Riggs, when they're like, you shot up a downtown area. You caused tens of thousands of dollars of damage. When you. I'm kind of on their side. You know, do we need the gun? Play with me. Walking on the street and the rest of the civilians settle down. Riggs have to open fire with me.

[Allison Rosen]

And it becomes a theme. Like one of your buddies who gets into a fight. Every weekend. Every weekend it's the same story. I'm sitting at the bar, minding my own business. Some guy. But every weekend, every weekend you're minding your own business and some guy comes up and calls your wife a horn Again.

[Adam Carolla]

What would happen in the real world if there was one cop on lapd? Like, did you hear what happened in Century City? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing happened on Figueroa last week. Yeah. Completely destroyed 27 cars total.

[Allison Rosen]

Greatest moment in this movie is when the drug kingpin is sitting in the back of his limo. Tango, Cash. Cash, Tango. The two cops, they never stop. Like anyone knows LA's top cop. We all know the name. It's just as preposterous as the best cooler in the business.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Not just as preposterous. There's nothing more ridiculous than being A bouncer who is known the world over.

[Gary]

I would.

[Allison Rosen]

Unless there's something on YouTube raping someone in the bathroom of one of the clubs you're supposed to be working at. No one knows who you are. Right. How bad a plan is this? Parking your Cadillac Avalon or whatever the hell it is in front of a 20 ton rig and then firing.38 caliber pistol?

[Adam Carolla]

He plays by his own rules.

[Allison Rosen]

And what if no one stopped? Why did that guy slam on the brakes?

[Gary]

Brakes?

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't get shot, did he? Why didn't he just plow through Stallone and the car?

[Adam Carolla]

He's into your metrosexual convertible Cadillac. He doesn't want to destroy it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Cadillac Avante. Was that Avante? Find out the name of that. Find the Cadillac's convertible from 91 or something.

[Dave Damaschek]

Thank God the windshields were plate glass and they broke very easily.

[Allison Rosen]

They both fly. I'm just saying Stallone is a horrible writer because he wrote that. I stand in the street, I hold my small caliber pistol.

[Adam Carolla]

Neither one's even wounded. Yeah, they just stop to be good.

[Allison Rosen]

Does anyone explain? Like, does anyone go, so you shoot one of them. What, his steering hand, right? No. No.

[Gary]

What are you.

[Allison Rosen]

What are you shooting? I hit the windshield. But you don't hit them. No. No. Why do they slam the brakes on? Oh, because I'm standing there. Yeah, but they want to kill you, right?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then why don't they just run you and your car over?

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote Rocky.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I guess you're right. That's how it works. God, he's a fucking whore. He's horrible writer.

[Gary]

His dialogue's horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

He's really bad. Yeah, his bad.

[Gary]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Night.

[Gary]

Except for Cliff.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's the one, people. That's the one, people don't watch enough Avante. Watch Nighthawks.

[Gary]

What the hell?

[Allison Rosen]

Find out the name of that Cadillac Creed. Oh, this news been going on forever. That it? We done? Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

Endorse Romney.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. That's the news.

[Brian Bishop]

That's it. I'm Allison Rosen.

[Gary]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Cadillac Avante.

[Dave Damaschek]

Allison. This is year one of the show, Dave. Adam talk about their own things.

[Adam Carolla]

My God, it's hot in here.

[Allison Rosen]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

What is going on? I heard your whole thing about the air, but my goodness, yeah. Cadillac of Alante.

[Allison Rosen]

Alante. That's what it was.

[Gary]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Legal zoom.

[Gary]

Oh, you Jews love some legal zoom.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we do. Yes, we do.

[Allison Rosen]

Legal right in it.

[Gary]

That's fair.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, there's no. I can't counter that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Expensive legal fees.

[Gary]

LegalZoom is not a lawyer, and self help services are provided at your direction.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's try that last line, but this time have fun with it.

[Gary]

LegalZoom is not a lawyer.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, reel it in a little bit more conversational.

[Gary]

Legal Zoom is not a lawyer and self help services are provided at your direction.

[Allison Rosen]

But say it like we're having a conversation. You know what I mean?

[Gary]

Legal Zoom is not a lawyer.

[Allison Rosen]

What's Legal Zoom?

[Gary]

Dude, Legal Zoom is not a lawyer. Huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what do they do?

[Gary]

They provide self help services at your direction. Uh huh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

And I should use the name Allen and I can get more savings.

[Gary]

Enter Allen Adam in the referral box at checkout.

[Allison Rosen]

I see you wouldn't say enter if.

[Gary]

We were talking type Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you wouldn't say that sketch. All right, that's enough. Next. Who else we auditioning for this later?

[Gary]

Hosen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a commercial, Ace. That's, you know, the commercial I wanted to ask you about because I feel like you should be upset about this. As a matter and a matter of fact, not just the. The commercial, but this. The new. The new thing in TV is. But first, the commercial. I want to say this. Michael Imperioli, Chris Moltisante from the Sopranos, and that God damn shot at tequila that's sitting in front of him perpetually. It's always playing with it. I want him to drink it already and get off my back about how I'm not a man.

[Gary]

Everything's about what.

[Allison Rosen]

He's this old.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just prematurely curmudgeonly guy berating.

[Gary]

What was.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to men?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, by the way, should that should the hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you get drunk and get off my back?

[Allison Rosen]

The guy's famous. Being a heroin addict, right? Why she's selling tequila for. There's this whole weird rat pack 60s things where guys are wearing the black suits, but the tie's a little loose and you have this feeling like they're not married. There is a hot chick somewhere back in some condo somewhere that expects them not to do what they're kind of going to do tonight. But they're saying with the one black friend who gets mixed in. And Gray Goose tonight, the worst spot that there is currently is the man up one. I think it's the Bud Light one or something where they go, oh, is it Miller Light where they go. It's like the four guys sitting around again with the one black friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Characters are sublimely awful in every one.

[Allison Rosen]

Of those, but it's what happens when you do corporate writing and Everything's got to go right down the middle. You can't have a little edge, a little fun, a little anything. And they're sitting around a bar and a guy goes. They're all drinking their Miller Lights and he's drinking one that says Gennaro Discount Blob Flat Beer. And he does that first thing where he goes, what this? They all taste the same.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of beer you want? I don't. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

A beer. That's. This, That's. That's the second unmanly thing you've done.

[Adam Carolla]

What else did I do that was unmanly?

[Allison Rosen]

Smash cut to him on a girl's bike, crying, dressed up in a. In a. In a Dutch boy outfit, going down the street, ringing the bell, mommy, Mommy.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't remember that.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't remember that. And they're still his best friend, even though clearly, sincerely, because he's climbed a rock wall, he's got four inches off the ground, and he started crying for his mom at the 4 inch mark or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Some stupid boy makes me crazy.

[Dave Damaschek]

At least he was reminded of that. He begrudging was like, oh, yeah, I guess that was unmanly.

[Gary]

What happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Used to be a man would have a drink and talk about babes and. And football. Now they talk about. They drink cocktails with umbrellas in it.

[Allison Rosen]

And who knows what else I drink Tequila.

[Adam Carolla]

Get off my back. Imperioli.

[Allison Rosen]

Here he is on the rock wall and, oh, by the way, we reveal that he's only. He's only 4 inches off the ground. He's a cold sweat. He's screaming, he's looking down.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You would have to have vertigo to not know that you're a four inch. He's petrified, though.

[Dave Damaschek]

On the line, they always do the.

[Allison Rosen]

Button where the hot chick comes by and reveals some call back to whatever. I've been in a million bars. I've never had a hot chick come by and say something to me that I did earlier that day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, nice whack in the shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

The skinny jeans. Yeah, yeah. It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the hot girl that's gonna waste her time to come up to you and be like, nice skinny jeans and mock you. Your friends would never say anything about.

[Gary]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but please, if I walked in here in skinny jeans, I would actually. You would. You would sense it before I came through the glass door.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Choke you out for real this time.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's the whole man thing. Every show now, all these sitcoms man up. All this stuff. I feel like you're not getting your due for this. You, I, I, I. Don't you feel that probably at ABC that the executives were sitting around and saying, like, well, you know, you know, Adam Carolla, you know, he had success with that book, you know, and that. So there's obviously an audience for this sort of thing. And I feel like they're now sort of, you know, the sitcoms, and they're these commercials. Hey, we attracts. The demo really is responding to this. We have to be more manly.

[Allison Rosen]

Jimmy. A million years ago, Jimmy, before Spike and all these Fuel TV and stuff, was saying there should be just a man's network. I mean, it's. But look, when Jimmy and I were talking about doing the man show in 1995, people we're pitching it to were like, all right, and who's the chick host? You know, we're like, no, it's us, right? And then you need Kathie Lee, somebody in between you to offer the voice of.

[Gary]

It was so it was, it should.

[Allison Rosen]

Have been a billion years ago, but it was. We couldn't even get the concept that it would be two dudes talking on stage.

[Brian Bishop]

How about leaving the jokes to Adam?

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. All right, Dave Dameshek, everybody. The Dave Damaschek football program.

[Gary]

Great podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Come visit us when you're not busy with Eisen.

[Allison Rosen]

You'll come visit us or the Playmaker. Yeah, Dave Damek, NFL.com you can Twitter him at Damek. All right, so until next time, Adam Kolla for bald Brian. Dave Damek and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. You're super tight down there.

[Giovanni]

That's Adam Cole Show 728. Coming up next, we have Adam Curlishow. 783, John Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop from 2012. Check it out.

[Gary]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day.

[Gary]

Bald Brian, podcaster for yelling. Good day. Oh, I miss you, Larry, pal. It's been a while and it's great to be back.

[Larry Miller]

In fact, I got you something. I got you a little gift when you're. Just pass it over because you know how it is when you're.

[Gary]

Thank you.

[Larry Miller]

When you're friends and you know, I know it's a little sappy, a little sentimental, but Larry was in Canada.

[Brian Bishop]

Jump out or be wet.

[Larry Miller]

I had the best, one of the best parts I've ever had. And, and, but then did a lot of the one man show. But the truth is I always. Well, again, it's just it's just a little thing, but I don't. I hope everyone doesn't mind. It's worth taking a minute to say, you know what? Friends are friends, and I know you like it. So.

[Gary]

A box of trefoils?

[Larry Miller]

Yes.

[Gary]

Girl Scout cookies. Oh, thank you.

[Larry Miller]

I debated between that and the Star Trek collection.

[Brian Bishop]

One man's treasure is another man's trash.

[Gary]

Oh, this is awesome. It's gonna be. I'm gonna enjoy throwing this at kids who ride their bicycle on that little medium that's on the other side of the sidewalk. But I still consider my lawn, by.

[Larry Miller]

The way, this made it at least bearable. You know, every year, of course, when the Girl Scouts are outside Ralph's and they got the table, hey, you want to buy a thing? You know, and you have to be a pretty. You have to be a brick not to go over and say, sure, give me a few boxes of things, right? So this made it bearable because I saw with a smile, I got actually two boxes and my kids ate one. I was going to give you two boxes.

[Gary]

Really?

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Special needs children. I did not know that. I'm so sorry.

[Larry Miller]

Well, you know what? They ate half. And you know what they said then? These aren't good. They said, that's not my favorite.

[Gary]

And then they ate the rest. Speaking of kids with needs, I was at Larry's charity last Sunday night, and it was one of these, Larry, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Like really out of a movie where.

[Gary]

I'm standing there with Jim Jeffries. I'm saying to him, at about 5:45, I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. And people think I'm a stand up, but I'm not really a stand up. I'm sort of a storyteller with some jokes and I do 90 minutes, but it's sort of a night and evening with Adam Carolla. But it's not really going to work if you just have me do 15 or 20 minutes in front of a mixed crowd. So I'm sort of like, well, I'll get up there with Larry, I'll help him emcee, we'll do a little back and forth, some soft shoe, and it'll be fine. And I said to the organizer of the event, oh, where's Larry? And she said, oh, he's in camp. And then I said, oh. And she said, you'll be headlining. I thought, thanks, Larry. Oh, I didn't.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, that's right.

[Gary]

Yeah, that's the Larry's.

[Larry Miller]

You know, I didn't even know seriously when he said, I Was at Larry's charity. I thought it was like that gift of, okay, what's coming now?

[Gary]

Larry's kids.

[Larry Miller]

You know what? Actually, I love that group. It's tuberous sclerosis. And then. No, the thing came up with doing PR for the other thing, and I had to go from Springfield to Toronto.

[Allison Rosen]

That's exactly what she said.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. Right.

[Gary]

Yeah. You'll be doing 40 minutes after Jim Jeffries wows them with a shit, pussy and cunt humor, but with a delightful Australian accent. So it's gonna be good.

[Larry Miller]

Plus, it's one of those things, as we all know in comedy, you know of just. And they never did find the head. So please welcome now. Oh, my gosh.

[Gary]

I know. That's right. So I was like. I was saying to Jim, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I just.

[Allison Rosen]

Larry will tell.

[Gary]

Larry told me to come here. Larry won't be here.

[Larry Miller]

First of all, all I can say is, I'm so glad I softened it with a gift.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes.

[Larry Miller]

The truth is, I had no idea, because you forget. I know. You know, we all know this. You forget things because we're like, mono focus people.

[Gary]

Sure.

[Larry Miller]

And you say, all right, now I know I'm doing this, so you switch the train track over. But you know what? Next year, all I can say is, next year, please come back.

[Gary]

Yeah. I get the one Jew who doesn't. Who never remembers, by the way. That's right. Wish I had a Jew. Most of you never forget, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

If someone says never again to me, I say, what's that?

[Gary]

What happened the first time again? What? Some promise the first time around. Something with the brisket.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened?

[Gary]

All right, so I spent. Speaking of food, we got a pecan pie from one of our fantabulous guests. The wife came in and brought in a pecan pie and brought in a pumpkin pie. And I didn't examine the pecan pie, but the pecan pie is. This is my. Where does it end? Please, dear Lord, tell me where it ends. Now, Maddie, our number one sales gal, Maddie came in here and she's great. We have our meetings. And Maddie makes pumpkin bread or. No, I'm sorry. She makes. Is it like. What the fuck does she make? She makes carrot cake or banana. Banana. She makes banana nut bread, and it's awesome. She makes it fresh, and she's a doll for doing it.

[Larry Miller]

It was here at the party.

[Gary]

Leslie.

[Larry Miller]

Christmas party.

[Gary]

But she puts chocolate chips in it. And I say to her, and I don't know what to say to good people that try to do good things, but it ends up in tragedy. I say you don't need the chocolate. Everything doesn't need a chocolate chip because it's banana nut bread and it's fucking good. And you do a great job. Don't apologize for your banana nut bread. Do you know what I mean? You do a good job. Stand next to it, hold your head.

[Brian Bishop]

High, nuts behind those chips.

[Gary]

That's right. And she, she makes a great banana nut bread. But then she put the chips and so I sort of subtly said, it is its own thing. You don't need to do it. The pie sat here. Everyone got into the pumpkin pie. The pecan was left, long story, left unmolested. And then somebody started getting into it and realized there was large flat chocolate chips. And I mean like nilla. Wafer size. I mean, not quite, but just weird rounded over weird chocolate chippy wafer like buttons.

[Dave Damaschek]

No, you know what those are for? Those are. You're supposed to melt those and turn those into like drizzling chocolate. My wife buys some wholesale from baking places.

[Gary]

Right, but why are they stuck all like. It has some sort of skin problem.

[Dave Damaschek]

They're supposed to be melted.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what I'm saying is this.

[Gary]

Who orders pecan pie? And then you give them pecan pie.

[Allison Rosen]

And they go, what the fuck is this?

[Gary]

And you go, we ordered pecan pie. Yeah, but where are my large manhole sized cover chunks of bittersweet chocolate on top of. And then someone goes, yeah, but that doesn't go on chocolate. Yes, but you should have known that's what I wanted.

[Allison Rosen]

Like here's the whole thing.

[Gary]

This whole chocolate thing is great. I mean, if you're. Forget gold. Everyone put your money in chocolate. Because we figured out a way to weave it into fucking toothpaste. Like it's just. Hey, banana nut bread.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, with chocolate.

[Gary]

Hey, pecan pie.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, with chocolate.

[Gary]

Like, hey, rectal exam. With chocolate. Like everything.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, wait a minute.

[John Hurwitz]

That's.

[Larry Miller]

That's good.

[Gary]

That's true. I'll take that. Chocolate is great, but it doesn't. It's its own dessert. You don't. Pecan pie is great.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a flavor that drowns out all other flavors. That's my problem with chocolate.

[Gary]

It's not. Yes. It does not enhance. Like, look, you take something like, let's say you have eggnog and you grind up a little nutmeg on top and it kind of enhances the flavor. It brings it out. Or you have iced tea, you put A little wedge of lemon in there. This is competing desserts, this is chocolate and that's pecan pie.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Gary]

What is going on?

[Larry Miller]

People just aren't satisfied. The last 10 years, anyone sane, especially in food, has been getting back to you know what. Hamburger, couple of pieces of onion, little ketchup. That's it.

[Gary]

That's it.

[Larry Miller]

Cold coke on ice, you're done. You don't need black cherry flavoring.

[Gary]

You don't need anything else now and do. Here's your job. Your job is not. Not to modify and alter the pumpkin pie, my sister with the vein of plum sauce in the middle of it. And. Or you're pudding, your bread, whatever it is, your job is not to alter it or modify it. Your job is to make the best one you can. You make the best pecan pie you can.

[Brian Bishop]

Just do you banana nut bread.

[Gary]

That's right. Do you.

[Larry Miller]

Plus, you know what? When you put too much effort into things that don't matter, it makes the full thing stink. All movies where they do too much on the cars flipping or on the buildings collapsing, you know, they spent four months of pre production on that and the script stinks and the acting stinks and it's not as good as it can be.

[Gary]

Agreed. All right, so I spent the whole day down in Long beach today doing the practice. First time out on the track for the Long Beach Grand Prix, I'll tell you that. Speaking of manly things. Mangrate, everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh man, the manliest.

[Gary]

They're back. Larry, you been using yours?

[Larry Miller]

First of all, I don't have one. What the f. I will I actually, every time I come, I expect.

[Gary]

Well, someone get Mr. Miller a man grape post haste, please. And you know what?

[Larry Miller]

I know it's gonna make my George Foreman grill look sick.

[Gary]

That's gonna make it look like it's got to have 100% cast iron. 100% made in America steakhouse house quality grilling right in your own backyard. That's why the terrorists hate us, ladies and gentlemen. No more flare ups, no more dry meat. Just beautiful, beautiful.

[Brian Bishop]

I have both those problems.

[Gary]

Beautiful, beautiful steaks and chops and fish and chicken. All there.

[Allison Rosen]

20 bucks, by the way.

[Gary]

20 bucks. Larry, attempt to. Mike, don't set that. You'll crush this console.

[Larry Miller]

It's a brand new console.

[Gary]

Wow, 20 bucks for that. Just click through the man great [e-mail] and it comes with the. With the Adam Carolla branded grilling brush, baby. That's gonna be something to will to the grandkids, man Great. Adam Carolla Great guys. Great sponsor. Talk to these guys. I love these guys.

[Larry Miller]

What do you do when you're branded but you know you're a man? That was the old Chuck Connor show.

[Gary]

Yeah, there was. Well, there was riflemen and then there was Thrill seekers or something was another one which is like. He'd talk about guys, but when I was a kid, the biggest stunt you could do was get on a motorcycle, light pallets on fire, wooden pallets with kerosene, and then you put a helmet on and hit him at about 55 and duck your head at the last second. Let's look at that again in slow motion. It's basically an alcoholic on a motorcycle going through something that was going to fall over under its own weight momentarily. It'd been charred that badly. Thrill seekers. Men who look danger in the eye and lick it. I swear to God. There was a show called Thrill Seeker is hosted by Chuck. Hi, I'm Chuck Connors, your host.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, we'll figure it out.

[Gary]

So I spent the day. If we can find that, the beginning of Chuck Connors Thrill Seekers. I will plots myself. I spent the day at Long Beach. Somebody. Gillian Barbary. You ever have that thing where somebody comes up to you? We hopped in the van to do our first lap around Long Beach. Long beach is great. They do the Grand Prix there. They've been doing the celebrity Grand Prix there for, like, 38 years. Pretty credible people involved with that. Not this year, but normally there is. And the thing about the track is there's concrete barriers all around the track, and they're about a foot off your line. Like, they basically say, when you come out of the corner, your mirror should just come right up to that concrete barrier. And then when you come into the other thing, it should be right against the thing. And somebody's going to manage to. To hit one of those things. But I got in the van, and they do the laps in the van, and then you get in your car, and then you do the laps in your car. And Jillian Barbary said, so the Vegas odds makers have you at number one, huh? And I was like, what? And she said, vegas oddsmakers have you at number one, and there's a lot of really fast guys out there this year. And I said, really? And she said, oh, come on. You knew that at number one. I had no idea. And she said, oh, please. You knew. And the more she got into how I should have known, the more I realized that she must sit home and Google herself every 18 seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

Because, you know, when someone goes Come on.

[Gary]

You know, they're doing that transference thing, like you knew that you were. It never occurred to me to check online, and it just never. It never came up. But anyway, I found out I was number one, which I may have been the first year I did it, and it didn't help me. But this evens out my 50 to 1 odds with dancing with the Stars. And when people say, why are you number one? I go, why was I 50 to 40?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you're. You're seven to one on winning this. Gillian Barbary is 27 to one.

[Gary]

Right. But I'm number.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm the number one celebrity. Yeah. This is the. Okay, I have the press release right here. World renowned Vegas gaming expert picks comedian Adam Carolla as celebrity favorite in 2012 Toyota Pro Celebrity Race. Comedian and popular personality Adam Carolla is Las Vegas handicapper Anthony Curtis celebrity pick to give the pros a run for their money in the Toyota Pro Pro Celebrity race on Saturday, April 14, as part of the 38th annual Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Corolla is a radio, TV and web host who co created such hit series as Crank Acres and the man show and is on the current season as Celebrity Apprentice. And then when it says about how you're picked to win, Funnyman Carolla is a serious contender to win this year's Toyota Pro Celebrity Race. He competed. He first competed in 2003 and was a front runner when he drove in the 2010 competition. He's fared well in his past two races and may do even better this year.

[Gary]

7 to 1. Get your money out, people.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, come on. You knew that.

[Dave Damaschek]

When is the race?

[Brian Bishop]

April 13th.

[Gary]

Coming up. April 13th or 14th. I think the Grand Prix. The 14th, and we're the day before. Adrian Brody looks real good. Brody Jenner looks real good.

[Brian Bishop]

Brody's eight to one. Brody Jenner is eight to one.

[Gary]

I should get a. At least somebody should add £200 to Brody Jenner's car and remove £500 from my car as a penalty. When I show him my dad and he stands next to his dad's Wheaties box, someone should go, like, look, all right, genetically, you should be 10 minutes a lap faster than me. Look at you, you big slab of shit. Look at. Look at your dad. He's the world's greatest athlete. You ever seen my dad? Come on. I should get some kind of weight handicap here. You see what I'm fighting against? Genetically, you've overcome the genetic odds. I'd added a Buick Regal automatic and it was too Much car for.

[Brian Bishop]

If your dad was on a cereal, what cereal would that be?

[Gary]

It'd be cashy. Go F yourself.

[Larry Miller]

I was gonna say Cream of Wheat. No, Wee Tina.

[Gary]

Yeah, Wee Tina. Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

But so what about a celebrity Parents?

[Gary]

His dad won his Bruce Jenner, I think, did it like five times and may have won like two or three times, too. But anyway, I thought I would. We put a. Jeff went down there and Chris Maxaloxa went down with me to do. Matt Motorator went down today and we put a little camera inside my car and I thought, it's under two minutes. I'll give you the bird's eye view of the one lap over at Long Beach.

[Dave Damaschek]

Are you all driving the same kinds of car?

[Gary]

Yeah, it's all equally prepared. That's start, finish line, Jeff.

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like I'm playing pole position.

[Gary]

All right, well, I'll show you the start finish line. I just want to give you one lap. That is the shoreline straight. That's basically the start finish right. Right about there. Now, the guys in front of me is the instructor, and we're now getting sort of to the end of the day. So he's basically saying, I'm gonna drive fairly hard and you can try to sort of keep up with me and Fifth Gear, maybe 110 or 115 miles an hour if you're doing good. And then it goes right into this tight turn, which is where everyone runs.

[Allison Rosen]

Into each other because it's all the.

[Gary]

Way at the end of the straightaway, someone will plow into those tires. Beautiful day at Long Beach. And they get like 50,000 people at this thing. And the thing I tell everyone when they go, why do you want to do this race? I go, look, you can get a bunch of buddies together and go down to Willow Springs and rent the tracks out and have fun, but you'll never get yourself up on a Jumbotron and you'll never get a chick in a Takati bathing suit holding your name on a sign next to your car. Now you can see when you drive the track the way you should, you'll get very well. You get basically up on the wall. You get very close to the wall, and then you go in. You try to hit the apex of the turn, and then when you come out of it, you try to kind of get close to the wall again. That's the streets of. This is Long Beach.

[Dave Damaschek]

Streets of Long Beach Improv.

[Brian Bishop]

And I think a chick Fil A.

[Gary]

Yes, yes. And you want to go to our website and take a look at one lap over there on the streets of Long beach, you can.

[Larry Miller]

It's always so moving to see all the closed stores as you drive by like that, by the way, to see all the Barnes and Nobles and the.

[Gary]

Malls that crash into one. You if. Get. Get him some ink at some point now, where everyone hits you, where the cluster fucking begins, where everyone gets into it is coming up right here. It's the Shoreline. It's the hairpin right before Shoreline. So you go into second and you swing out, and then someone dives in right there. And then at some point, I'll be into that wall to the left, and that's a lap at Long Beach. So that's coming up. That'll be exciting.

[Allison Rosen]

Exciting.

[Gary]

We'll watch that one. You can shut it off, by the way. We're going into the pits now.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so we got some news.

[Gary]

We got some hypothetical road trip. Airport shitting. I went into the airport, I think we're in Kansas City last weekend. And there were 14, 16 stalls, and I was looking at 12, 14 pair of wingtips and the trout down over the top of them. I mean, normally when you walk into a bathroom, there's not that much shitting going on. Not that kind of simultaneous shitting.

[Brian Bishop]

Like synchronized shitting.

[Gary]

Yes. Oh, trial sport.

[Brian Bishop]

And also beautiful. Yeah, in its way.

[Gary]

You know what? It might have been so majestic since.

[Larry Miller]

They were all wearing wingtips. Maybe the boss had to go and they thought, we'll all go, too.

[Gary]

That's right. Or maybe they're all reports orders put fedoras on, fondle ears in. But I walked. I walked in there and I was like, wow, there's a lot of guys shitting. And then I came out and I thought, you don't see this. You don't see this when you go to the Staples Center. You don't see this when you go. You don't see this when you go to a ball game or a show or movie. You know, movie could be two hours long. There's a. People are at the airport for 45 minutes, maybe an hour, hour and a half. Why so much shitting going on? And I realized it's a perfect shit storm. It is a. My clock's fucked up. Like, normally I would be at home shitting now. But I got up at 5am the car picked me up at 5:45. It's, you know, 6am My time. It's noon, your time. And my bowels can't catch up to the clock. So the clock is completely fucked up. Lots coffee and breakfast burritos and. And things mixed with a healthy dose of, pardon the pun, who gives a shit? I'm not being judged.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you have to think twice.

[Gary]

When you're shitting up your workplace. You even have to think twice when you're shitting up your movie theater. That's local. You could run into somebody.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you just fart with impunity.

[Gary]

There's guys, they're going, I'm in Kansas, by the way. There could be a lot of guys. Like, I'm a Steelers fan. I hate the Chiefs. I'm gonna shit the hell out of this guy. You know what I mean? There may be a little payback action going on as well, but either way, I would say the airport, per asshole.

[Dave Damaschek]

Romeo Cornell just got fired all his way out of town.

[Gary]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

One last one.

[Gary]

I'm just saying there's a little of, you know, a little of. There's a wet sidewalk over there. I'm gonna pick up a stick and put my shit initials into it. Like there's a little. I'm leaving my mark. I wonder if there's a little. First off, I'm wondering if the women's bathroom has nearly as much of this. I think there's a little bit of the dudes, I'm leaving my mark. Secondly, who cares? Third, all the time zone. And again, there's sort of mechanical reasons why you're doing it. But again, with a healthy dose of I don't give a fuck who. See, nobody knows me. I'll do what I. I'll do what I please.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, you don't want to be on the plane and have.

[Gary]

That's. That's the other. That's the other deal with that. Where is there more shitting per capita than. Than at the airport than the. The. The men's head at the airport.

[Larry Miller]

First of all, as you know, you're talking to your road brother. And I know something about time zones and airports, right? Normally, I don't have that much of an away game, but in this last trip, something so shattering, an evacuation so, so stunning happened that I was so. If it. And I realized I would have. I do this with my kids. Sometimes I'll call home and say, you won't believe what just happened.

[Gary]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

And. Or that in the house. My wife, obviously, is not part of this. But they'll say, come here, take a look at this. Or I'll say, you got to put that on pause. I don't care who you're fighting on Call of Duty, you have to See this?

[Allison Rosen]

And Call of Duty.

[Gary]

Hey, look at that.

[Larry Miller]

Who doesn't like a good pun?

[Gary]

Dwyer gets a big box. And by the way, whatever came out of you, I guarantee was not worse than the trefoils you forced your kids to eat earlier that week.

[Larry Miller]

But on this airport trip, I realized it was only like a work of art because it was an automatic toilet. It was going to go away. I couldn't call about it. I couldn't take a picture.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a snowflake.

[Larry Miller]

Normally, you know, George Wallace. Normally I call him and say, sure. You won't believe this, right? Over the years of friendship, this is the one topic it doesn't. He can be on stage.

[Gary]

Can you do it? George Wallace?

[Larry Miller]

Oh, sure, sure. Because we went to wrestling together. They hit that thing of when he yells, put it on him. In a wrestling match from row Triple Z.

[Gary]

Black comedian with a Kango hat. And I hope you're sitting for the Kango hat part from row Triple Z.

[Larry Miller]

The wrestlers turn and he yells. When he yells, put it on him. I, I hang on. It's like, put it on him. But it's so much louder than that.

[Gary]

I gotta tell you. You know, Jimmy does a super offensive black guy voice. Jimmy Kimmel. And he did some sort of comedy up fronts whatever thing where everyone was staying in the same hotel and he called every person in the hotel as George Wallace. Yeah, my name's George. What is George Wallace? And it's weird because there's that white guilt thing where it's like you don't want to say to George, get out of here with that fucking fucked up black accent. Like, you know, like he could he. So he called everyone in the room as George Wallace and they all went for it.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, this will never come up against. I'll tell you. I was drunk one night with Rich Jenny when we were baby comics together. And it was after a show at the Improv out here and we got, we drank all night long and that you get into that head of I'm gonna call my friends, right? I called Wallace up. Now it's five in the morning. I called him up to say, pal, I just gotta tell you, I really like you. And, and he's just like a chant. He's just chanting through the hokogo going, you have messed with the wrong guy. You have just again and again. And every morning for the next two weeks, at five in the morning I got a call and the phone rang and I'd say, hello, and he'd say, hello, Larry Miller, can you tell me does catch a rising star have two shows on a Saturday night? And I'd say, haven't I paid enough for this? And he'd say, no. Click. And he'd call every morning.

[Gary]

That was Jimmy Kim Gimmel, his. I'm pretty sure his brother played in the NFL.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah, Steve Wall, he's the lineman for the Niners.

[Gary]

Yeah, so he's a. Yeah. Offensive lineman.

[Dave Damaschek]

Multiple time world champion.

[Gary]

Big, big dude. All right, let's see. Allison Rose, you got a little news there.

[Brian Bishop]

I do.

[Gary]

We got a little hypothetical road trip for Larry Miller. Is that sponsored? Do we have a sponsor for. For that? We roll right into it. We got an intro for that. I should tell you people. St. Louis Pageant Theater, April 20, and St. Paul Fitzgerald Theatre, Saturday, April 21. Me and Dennis Prager back on stage in San Diego, this time at spreckles theater. Saturday, May 5th, I should say. And tickets going fast. Not Taco Bell material. You can pre order that baby. Nice Father's Day gift. And thank you so much for doing that.

[Dave Damaschek]

You can use Dads and Grads or just Dads.

[Gary]

Just Dads. And you can use the link on our homepage. Go through Amazon if you want to do that. Also, night of comedy for Project ALS. Wednesday, May 2, 8pm, Montalban Theater, Hollywood. Jimmy Kimmel, myself, Sarah Silverman, Kevin Nealon.

[Allison Rosen]

Great stuff.

[Gary]

Stand up. Todd Glass, Jeff Ross, Patton Oswalt. I mean, it's going to be a great night of comedy for a great, great charity. I'm going to talk to Kimmel, see what we'll do on there. Larry, you're not invited. I know. You'll be in Canada anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Gary]

You should have just seen the look on my face. Where's Larry? Larry, Where's. Yeah. Oh, he's not here.

[Larry Miller]

We're driving to Florida.

[Gary]

Awesome. Awesome. Yeah, you'll be headlining. Oh, awesome. All right. Should we do a little hypothetical road trip? All right, let's do it. The game where there are no wrong answers.

[Larry Miller]

We're driving to Florida.

[Gary]

All right, Larry. No wrong answers here.

[Larry Miller]

You know what? It's just good to be back playing the game because I love the game and it's nice to be in a cocoon where, you know, you don't get judged.

[Brian Bishop]

Judged.

[Larry Miller]

Because out there.

[Gary]

Oh, out there, Adam. Non stop Adam. Right? Yeah, out there. Yes, that's right.

[Larry Miller]

It's non stop judgment that never ends. In here, I can say what my feelings are, what my thoughts are, and know that there are no wrong answers. So you know what? All I have to do by the way I love the word enhancement on this box. On the man grill.

[Gary]

Yes. It enhances grilling.

[Larry Miller]

One of the greatest jokes. But I'm ready. Let's play. And it's just good to be home.

[Gary]

All right. Morning show flunky. You know, that's. That's the guy, that's big turd. Who they never stopped making fun of or morning show program director.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, this is the trip from Santa.

[Gary]

Monica Pier to Epcot Center.

[Larry Miller]

I know. And you start me off on something that seems complex. It seems multi layered, it seems nuanced. But I'm so. I haven't played the game game in six weeks. So I'm hot and I'm ready, and.

[Gary]

I'm ready to go mathematical.

[Larry Miller]

First of all, it would never be the program director because as you know, they live with the motto, when in doubt, cook. And they will always have someone on making an omelette, and I can't take it because they don't car. Listen to me carefully, okay? Adam, is it?

[Gary]

Yes, Adam, it shall be.

[Larry Miller]

Will never be the program director. It will always be. Be the flunky. Because I could always say within sincerity, you will be something someday. And he can say to me, I know I will, and we can talk show business together. Never. Someone who calls himself the director, but in fact does not direct. I dare you to judge that.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on, it was close. My first day back, it was close.

[Gary]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

It was close.

[Gary]

And I'll tell you why it was close. How close?

[Allison Rosen]

The greatest.

[Gary]

Well, it was. It was wafer thin close. Because the greatest nightmare. I mean, I literally wait up covered with sweat, thinking about climbing into the car with my program directors, my ex program directors, and them going, I have 41 hours of air check tapes that we can go over. And I brought an extra few hours in case we run a little bit. But if we just drive straight through to Florida, we can just listen to these air checks all the way through.

[Dave Damaschek]

Everything goes well, we'll have the next Rick's D's by St. Louis.

[Gary]

So the reason you're wrong is the flunkies are always 300 pounds, and your mileage is really gonna vary. And with gas coming up to five bucks a gallon over that distance, that extra 100, 150 pounds could really hurt you in the pocket.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I guess I never thought of it that way.

[Gary]

But still, let's not live in the.

[Larry Miller]

I was close. Starting close is great when you haven't played the game in a while. So you know what? Watch what happens now.

[Gary]

All right? Guy from storage wars or chick from Extreme Couponing.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, this is easy. This is easy. And I appreciate the fact that you fue a little guilty because you gave me something before that was so close. So I understand that it would never ever be the guy from Storage wars and it would always be the woman from Extreme Couponing because, number one, I like the women from Extreme Couponing. I've seen the show quite a bit and I actually not only dig what they do, I like that they're self effacing when they say, gee, maybe I'm a little crazy. Maybe I do this too much. I love how they take one whole corner of the garage and use it just for fabric. Fabric softener. I love how they're so resourceful.

[Gary]

I love how because in the apocalypse we're gonna need fabric that will be fluffy towels our trade that will what we will use for currency. That's right.

[Larry Miller]

Still speaking.

[Gary]

Sorry. And.

[Larry Miller]

And I love that one out of six of them are fetching.

[Gary]

Come on. Sorry. Very pretty. Very pretty. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Nice.

[Gary]

Pretty much.

[Larry Miller]

Mother.

[Gary]

Like a pretty mother. Grading, annoying. And handling those scissors while you're going 75 miles an hour. A gust of wind as you open the window flies up. You're stabbed in the jugular, you bleed out.

[Dave Damaschek]

They want to stop at every dumpster too. You can't get more than, you know, 100 yards.

[Larry Miller]

She is so pretty, though.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And he, by the way, he's a handsome man.

[Gary]

Okay, let's. Let's see if we can run the table here. You ready? This one's easy. Teen girl who waited in line for the Hunger Games or adult male who waited in line for Harry Potter.

[Larry Miller]

Boy, you know what? First of all, this can only be one answer. Nominally, on the surface, they're both annoying. But we don't live on the surface, do we, Adam? No, we dig deeper than that.

[Gary]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

So first of all, it could never be. Could never be. Could never be anyone with a teenage girl because I'm terrified of ever being being pulled over or looked at in a food place. Why is the bald man with a teenage girl?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

And I'm just petrified of that. So my truth is, my life is that it could never be the teenage girl as annoying as the middle aged man who goes to see Harry Potter is. At least I could keep saying to most of the trip, what's wrong with you?

[Gary]

You know my. No, you know. No, my truth.

[Larry Miller]

My life can't be with a teenage girl.

[Gary]

My greatest fear is having someone point at me in the super market in 20 years. And going, what is that old bald guy doing with the age appropriate woman? That's my greatest fear. Shame the devil. Yeah, that is my greatest Larry. I'm sorry, Larry. I guess I never thought of it that way. But it's so much fun to be.

[Larry Miller]

Back home playing the game.

[Gary]

Yeah, the game. Clearly missed you. How about you try going to go to my PC? Yeah, you are on the road, aren't you, Larry? All the time, buddy. You want to get to that computer?

[Allison Rosen]

I am.

[Gary]

I'm always away. Sorry, Larry.

[Brian Bishop]

Road brother.

[Gary]

Didn't you hear him say no? Go to my PC. They got the app for the iPhone brought to you by Citrix. Like having your work computer right in your pocket. So next time you're on the throne over there at the airport, destroying a city, just burning it down like Sherman, using your ass, you can be getting some work done. Beside the work that's being done by the Porcelain Punisher, of course.

[Larry Miller]

No more important work in the world.

[Gary]

No more important. Go to my PC. You can use the app, you can edit. You can edit PowerPoints, spreadsheets, work on files anywhere just with that iPhone.

[Dave Damaschek]

We had this just in the toilet here alone. Matt Fondelier would be like the guy from Limitless. He would get so much done.

[Gary]

He.

[Brian Bishop]

Wouldn'T be able to feel his feet, but he would get a lot done.

[Gary]

Go to my PC, try it for free 45 days. A free trial. 45 days free only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit go to my PC.com click on the try it free button. Remember, use the promo code Adam. Good guys, good sponsors, great product. Larry Miller, everyone. Live shows, cocktails with Larry Miller. April 12th, 13th and 14th. Coming up in Western Illinois University. Oh, I know that place. College of. How do you say that, by the way?

[Larry Miller]

That explains some of their admissions.

[Gary]

Am I making that up?

[Larry Miller]

Page if you can't say the name DuPage.

[Gary]

DuPage.

[Larry Miller]

If you can't say the name, don't do the crime. That's my feeling.

[Gary]

Elgin Community College. All coming up in Illinois. All come coming up the middle of April. Go to Larry. Go to LarryMillerHumor.com to find out where he's going to be playing all around the country this week with Larry Miller, the podcast. New episodes release each Wednesday. Larry Miller, podcast.com took a lot of guts showing your face here, Larry. And I want you to know I respect that.

[Larry Miller]

Guts, Adam. Let me tell you. Let me tell you a story about a young boy who now has a.

[Gary]

All right, take your man. We'll take a Should we take a quick break? It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, Ace, man, It's Dan in St. Pete.

[Gary]

My girlfriend hates her guts, but she buys a lot of on Amazon.

[Allison Rosen]

So when she was at work, I.

[Gary]

Switched her Amazon homepage to your Amazon homepage. Wetting everybody's beak. Love you, brother. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Love it, man. Love the week. Love the Amazon. John Hurwitz, Hayden Slosberg. Did I screw that up?

[John Hurwitz]

I think you got it pretty good there.

[Gary]

Pretty good. American Reunion in theaters this Friday. That is April 6th. CO directed the film, co wrote the film. You guys were buddies in high school and look at you now.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I know, it's crazy.

[Gary]

It says here, creators of Harold and Kumar.

[John Hurwitz]

Yes, we wrote the first. We wrote all of them and directed some of them.

[Gary]

I met with those guys over at New Old. Where the hell. Who did Harold and Kumar? New line? Was it? New line? Yeah. I always use Harold and Kumar as an example of when someone goes, well, I don't know who's gonna. This idea is a little bit too far out. I'm gonna, what the fuck is Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? I mean, it's like you have two guys no one's ever heard of, and they're not the comic nationalities either, pardon the pun. And they're going to White Castle. And it's not a star studded thing. And it's not one of the those things where it's like, oh, I saw that we all read the Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle comic book growing up and now. So I said, if somebody can make that funny and sell that and pitch that, why the fuck? What idea is undoable now?

[John Hurwitz]

Yeah, see, I don't think you could pitch it. We actually had to write the script because there's no way that you could just get in a room and be like, okay, here's what it is. It's two guys and they get hungry and they go and get a hamburger.

[Gary]

I'm listening. I'm intrigued. Don't stop. Keep going.

[John Hurwitz]

And the burger is.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta know how it ends.

[Gary]

Miniature burgers. You say, keep speaking.

[John Hurwitz]

And the stakes are, if they don't get the burger, then they don't get the burger. They have to eat, like another burger or something.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

That was our big thing. You know, we had lived in LA for a couple years when we wrote that script. We were, you know, selling the occasional project, but, you know, nothing was getting made yet. And we were Running out of money. And we're like, okay, we need to do something. And we came up with what appeared to be the least commercial idea of all time.

[Gary]

Well, and also Harold and Kumar. Like, see, Cho is Chinese, and the other guy's, you know, Indian, right?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah, it's a Korean and Indian guy.

[Gary]

Oh, sorry. Korean and Indian. Why? You guys are as white as you get.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Gary]

That's a weird.

[Brian Bishop]

Why are you giving away our jobs? I feel like that's what he's saying.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I like being calpe.

[Allison Rosen]

Considered white.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I like being considered white. You know, we're a couple of Jews, and. And I think we're like, well, you know, let's do. We can write Asian and Indian characters because we have the same types of parents.

[Allison Rosen]

I think.

[Gary]

Yeah, no, that's true.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I think that was pretty much it.

[John Hurwitz]

Also, I think, like, when we were in high school and college, there were a lot of Asian students that, you know, were born in America, didn't, you know, have accents. And there was a big disconnect, I think, in the 1990s, where, like, every Asian character had the thickest accent.

[Gary]

You know, I've had this argument with people all the time. It's always like. Everyone always goes, oh, the school systems are failing the kids, and we're not doing enough. And then some black guy takes over and implements a program, and Bill Gates gets involved, and I go, listen, if you have parents that are together and give a shit, the kid will be fine. It doesn't matter what school he goes to. If the Jewish parents, the Indian parents, or the Korean parents, you'll be fine. And it's not about money, because oftentimes the parents from. Especially the Korean, Indian. You know, people just came to this country, they don't have means, but they're together and they put an emphasis on education. And the kid comes out fine.

[John Hurwitz]

You have to be a hard ass.

[Gary]

You have to be a hard ass, or you have to be home and a hard ass. And for some reason, there are certain cultures that have that. I'm just white trash from the Valley. We never had that. No one I knew had that. But the Jews from up in the hills, Laurel Woods, Hebrew Heights, as we called it, they focused on education. We live in the.

[John Hurwitz]

The hills. We're hill people.

[Gary]

We come out at night.

[John Hurwitz]

But, yeah, no, it's. Yeah, that's the thing with Jews. They're like. The parents are intense, you know, and that's the secret. That's the secret to the magic. Yeah, the spells.

[Gary]

Yeah, it worked. So. And, you know, I was thinking of. Look, you got the entire original cast back together. And it's this beautiful sweet spot of everyone is still around and successful, but not too successful that they'll tell you to fucking off for this. For this project. Like, everyone had the right degree of, like, let's face it, you're not going to get George Clooney to come back to the Facts of Life for the reunion show. He just.

[Brian Bishop]

Bite your tongue.

[Gary]

Sorry. I know. I don't. I don't want to shatter the dream, but I'm just saying they did a Facts of Life movie. My friend wrote it. And George Clooney was not a part of them going on a cruise.

[Brian Bishop]

Joe. They couldn't even get Joe.

[Gary]

They couldn't even get Joe back at that point. That's. That's right.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

We couldn't get Casey Affleck. That was the one. The one guy. He played Kevin's older brother. He's such a minor, minor character.

[Gary]

No one will miss him. No one will miss him.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

But that's the one guy.

[Gary]

Everyone else sort of stayed out there enough, and what you don't want is, what the hell happened to that guy? Six rehabs later in a sex change and you're like, who the fuck is that guy?

[John Hurwitz]

Luckily, everybody is still alive.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

They're presentable.

[Gary]

They look the same. They've all just sort of been working, working. And it's a sweet spot of, yeah, I'll do that if the money's right. So now you guys then got brought in. So do we have another Harold and Kumar coming, by the way?

[John Hurwitz]

We had one come out just at the end of 2011, the Christmas movie. So we just had one come out. And while we were. While that was shooting, we were writing this movie. So we produced that while writing American Reunion and just finished American Reunion up, so haven't started another Harold and Kumar yet.

[Gary]

It's nice to get on that list of guys who do this, though, right? Where people now come to you and go, hey, we want you to do this.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

It's a good list. It's nice, you know, especially, you know, taking on this project. You know, American. American Pie is just, you know, it's an important project at a big studio. So it's nice for us to have come in there on that kind of thing. Harold and Kumar, we love it like crazy. But it was always like, the bastard stepchild of the bosses in certain ways. So it's been cool being involved in.

[John Hurwitz]

A big corporate project.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

A big corporate project, right.

[Gary]

Is there any horror stories? Corporate horror stories. Pains in the ass.

[John Hurwitz]

No, this is one of those. We've been lucky. We've worked on franchises that are known for being outrageous. So we love comedy that pushes the envelope and when we come up with something, you know, everybody gets excited. It's not like, oh, my God, that's too much. You know, a lot of times you get the pressure to go even further and that's great.

[Gary]

Well, there was like flute fucking in the first episode. Yeah, exactly. They fucked the pie.

[Allison Rosen]

They fucked the flute.

[John Hurwitz]

You start off there, you know.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah. Now it's like, you know, the big thing in this one is, you know, Jason Biggs goes full frontal. So you see.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

You see Jim's penis in this film?

[Gary]

Actually, somewhere around the mid-80s, we shifted from boobies to cock. And I would like us to shoot. Shift back toward boobies.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

You'll like the boobies in this one.

[Gary]

Oh, good.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

We can promise you that if you liked. In the first American Pie, there was the whole Shannon Elizabeth sequence. We have something that we believe rivals that. There's.

[Gary]

Oh, really?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

An 18 year old girl who Jim used to babysit who is coming on to him all weekend. And right in the center of the film, there's a long extended scene with quite a bit of nudity.

[Gary]

Oh, good.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

So we have.

[Brian Bishop]

Who plays her?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah, her name's Ally Cool Coburn.

[Gary]

She hasn't been in anything.

[Brian Bishop]

She was in that look. That Showtime show.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

She was in that look at you.

[Gary]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Incredible.

[Gary]

That's impressive. All right, she'll we do a little news. You guys hang out track wise. Pretend like we're back in high school. The News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

And when it's time to wrap, she'll.

[Gary]

Sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Today's news is sponsored by GoDaddy.com. go to GoDaddy.com and use the promo code ACE. Tweet us your new domain name and if we like it, we may give it a shout out. Tweet those to us at AdamCorollsHow and use the hashtag Ace GoDaddy.

[Gary]

All right, baby, Like a pro.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you. There was a shooting, a deadly shooting at a small Christian college in Oakland yesterday that left seven dead and three wounded. The shooter was a former student who was targeting a school administrator and former classmates and he felt they had treated him unfairly. Those killed included six women and a man ranging in ages from 21 to 40. The victims came from Korea, Nigeria, Nepal, and the Philippines. Six were students and one was a secretary.

[Gary]

This was a. Is this a nursing school?

[Brian Bishop]

It was a Christian trade school that had links to the Korean American community. It taught theology, nursing, music, and Asian medicine. It describes itself on its website as having been started to provide, provide, quote, the highest standard education with Christian value and inspiration. It was really small, like, fewer than 100 students.

[Gary]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

And so the guy, the shooter is 43. His name was Won Go. He's a Korean American. He'd been expelled from the school two months earlier for behavioral problems and anger management issues. Witnesses said he returned to the small college on Monday morning, entered a reception area and opened fire. He then walked into one of two class classes in telling former classmates to line up and that he was going to kill them. And, like, someone that thought it was a joke at first.

[Gary]

I miss the days when people would make the proclamation, you know, sort of Gone with the Wind, like, all right, you're kicking me out. You're kicking me out of this class. One day I'm gonna own this college, buddy. It's a different. And then. And then there's this whole long montage of them working super hard and studying and staying up in the calendar pages. Now it's like, well, I'm just gonna get a gun. I'll come back and. And I'll just shoot everyone who said shit about me. Like, what the fuck is going on?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

People have gotten lazy.

[Gary]

They're lazy. You're right.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

They're too lazy. It's just the easy way.

[Gary]

I can go home, put my nose to the grindstone, make a whole bunch of money, be a rich. Be a rich industrialist, come back and buy and sell everyone at this college. Or I can go fucking get a gun and shoot some everybody.

[Brian Bishop]

It's easier to get a gun than to be a tycoon.

[Gary]

And why is everybody shooting every. Like, I don't. I mean, I know this sounds weird. Weird, but I don't feel like there's any constructive criticism or any kind of criticism that can be dealt with in our society anymore. Like, there's no longer can you say to somebody, hey, listen, you're not pulling your weight. Well, that's your opinion, dude. And there you go. Like, you're just not doing a good job for us. Yeah, well, you just have it out for me. You're jealous because I'm tall and you're not. And it's like, can't anyone just be fucking critiqued for being a shitty student or shitty employee anymore? Can't be.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

People just suck and own up to it.

[Gary]

And by the way, can't they just suck? And can't we just tell them they suck? Like, what fun is it being the boss?

[Brian Bishop]

Go on Twitter, though.

[Gary]

You can't.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's not do it on Twitter.

[Gary]

I swear to God, I'm talking to my son, and he's 5 years old. I'm like, sonny, you want to practice hitting the baseball? I hit the ball to the moon. If you're talking about hitting the tee in the middle and having the ball fall off backwards, that's your version of hitting the ball to the moon. I hit the ball to the. No, you don't. And then I get the conversation of, stop telling him. He doesn't. He sucks. Why can't I tell him? I didn't start off by telling him he sucked. I start off by saying, you want to practice baseball? But then he made the proclamation that he hits the ball to the moon.

[Dave Damaschek]

He started it.

[Gary]

And again, if you mean the moon, if you're talking about the other team's dugout, if that's your version of the moon, well, then, mission accomplished, third best coach.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mr. Moon.

[Gary]

Right? I just don't feel like there's any dialogue anymore. Nobody can go, look, you're not doing a good job. Fuck you, dude. Why do you have it in for me? What happened to constructive criticism? What happened to critiquing people? What happened to shit, canning people because they do a shitty job? What happened to all that? And why is it so taboo to even have that conversation anymore? I don't know if it would stem the tide of the. These kind of crazy shootings, but I just mean in general.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, in general, we are coddled.

[Gary]

Yes. No one can tell anyone they're doing a shitty job.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah. No, it's true. I mean, I think that people's first reaction upon receiving criticism is not to think, well, this person knows. This person might be able to offer insight into what's going on and give me advice. It's more just to figure out, well, why do they have it in for me?

[Gary]

Yes, it. You should think, first off, when you.

[Brian Bishop]

Get notes on your scripts, do you appreciate them?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

We do now. Early on, it was like, fuck you. What do you know, you little guy?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Now we're. No, now you. You're like, okay, everyone's an audience member, and you just gotta take it and take it.

[John Hurwitz]

We should be like, I don't know. I mean, I think that the idea of using a gun in, like, bringing some, like, hip Hop, like, kind of you guys should terror to the screenwriting process.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

We need, like, our own sugar.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys are the guys to do it.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes.

[Gary]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Hurwitz]

We'll scare it. We'll scare them to death.

[Gary]

And by the way, you don't have to shoot anyone. You just. You just lift the sweatshirt, show them the pearl handle on the.44 that's stuffed into your trousers, and they'll know you mean business.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna get a. Just a pearl handle. Better yet, like, attached to a pen.

[Gary]

Why do you need the rest of the gun?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

No, it's like that thing, you know when you see. It's so cute. People have Garfield's tail hanging out of their trunk. I don't think they have the whole Garfield in the trunk.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just the tail.

[Brian Bishop]

Just Uncle Adam, that's just me.

[Gary]

But that's just the tail. You know what I'm saying? Maybe the whole Garfield's in there. I should check. I should ask him to pull over what's left of my pearl handle. You know what I mean? That'd be funny. That'd be ironic. Like, hey, pull over. Hey, fuck you. Hey, look at this pearl handle. And then we pop the trunk. And I'm like, where's the rest of the Garfield? And they're like, where's the rest of your gun, bitch? And I'm like, doesn't feel good, does it?

[Brian Bishop]

Dangerous game of bluffing. Who knows where that one could go. A Canadian transgender model who was disqualified from the Miss Universe Canada will be able to compete in the beauty pageant after all, as long as she meets certain requirements, the Miss Universe organization said in a statement. The statement, in part, read, the Miss Universe organization will allow Jenna Talikova to Compete in the 2012 Miss Universe Canada pageant provided she meets the legal gender recognition requirements of Canada and the standards established by other international competitions. And the New York based organization did not specify which other competition standards Talicova would have to meet. She's being represented by Gloria Allred, and they had trust with these.

[Gary]

Which one's the transgender chick? Is it both of them or is it one of them? I feel like I'm looking at three transgendered women there.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

What was her first name again?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, now it's. Did you say Genitalikova?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Oh, I thought you said Genitaliakova.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no, that'd be cool.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I was like, really like that.

[Larry Miller]

That's.

[Gary]

It's just all a joke now. Was it.

[Brian Bishop]

There should be someone.

[Gary]

Jenna now. But it was Jim or something.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know what it was, but she's 23 now. Born as a male and identified as a female since the age of 4. She began hormone therapy at 14, underwent gender reassignment surgery at 19.

[Gary]

That is the most euphemistic statement since ethnic cleansing. Gender reassignment.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, let's go. Cock and balls over there on the right.

[Gary]

Pussy labia.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's go.

[Gary]

Mine and majora. Yeah, both of you over the right.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's go.

[Gary]

Let's reassign this genitalia. Gender reassignment. Wow. Okay. I got a million things to say. There's certain things that like, we never anticipated. And so when it comes to, to like competition, now this is a beauty patent, but when it comes to tennis. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Renee Richards.

[Gary]

Yeah. What happens. That was very dikey of you to even know.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Gary]

That the thing just, just chambered in your faithful.

[Brian Bishop]

But, but thinking about it in relation.

[Gary]

To this sport, it is weird when it comes to physical sports. Like, well, this used to be a dude and now it's a chick. But should she compete about against chicks? Does she like she has like he has a physical. She has a physical advantage and all right, so.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he or she would definitely would when it comes to sports. But something like this, what possible advantage does she have?

[Gary]

How about the fucking horrified guy who's just sitting home, cracked a beer, he just got done telling his buddy he got blown by beauty queen last week and now it's like, oh, damn, that's her. Oh, shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you want to hear the press?

[Gary]

This will be good. Yes. Entered this competition and gave the pageant her time, her best efforts and her money. She did not think for one moment that what she might have looked like at birth would be relevant. Sure. She did not ask Mr. Trump looked like to prove that he is a naturally born man or to see the photos of his birth to view his anatomy, all very relative, was male. It made no difference to her. Why should it have made a difference to him? We are asking Mr. Trump to step up and be a leader in the fight against discrimination. Or would he prefer to hide behind other organizations and say that if they discriminate, so can he? Mr. Trump's statement fails to state that the rule that only naturally born women will be allowed to compete will be eliminated.

[Brian Bishop]

Otherwise, we are considering distinctive wiz of Jenna's legal options.

[Gary]

Yeah. Over the weekend we have formed legal teams in Canada, New York and California.

[John Hurwitz]

To give the dude credit. He looks like a dude blonde.

[Gary]

Couple things. Yeah, very true reading. She's reading this. This statement like, she's reading to special needs kids about the tranny that could like, like she saw getting all weird and sing songs.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And pitch.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Which is, which is weird. And let me say this, her audience.

[Dave Damaschek]

Because she's not going to reach the smart people. They've written up their mind. She knows she's reaching the feeble mind.

[Gary]

The, this overcompensation that lawyers have with all the law books behind them. Like, do you guys, when you guys do a press conference, you have tons of scripts behind you or pies. Super funny scripts.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a bunch of podcast books.

[Gary]

Behind me or something. Why do you. And like every lawyer commercial, the guy's in the middle of reading one of his law books and then he shuts it high. I'm Larry Talbert and it's like, what, what were you just reading? A law book.

[Dave Damaschek]

I'll fight for you. Since I finished reading all these.

[Gary]

Right, I'm ready. Every one of these dusty books behind me. And isn't everything on the Internet these days? Do you really need the 40 pound book with the shit?

[Brian Bishop]

They should have him spinning around from his computer where he was scrolling with his.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

There's just an iPad on the wall.

[Gary]

Yeah. She's got the law behind her. Literally. I have the law on my side. I have a metric ton of books on my side. She is so sing songy and annoying. I love when lawyers make really relevant points. Like when they're like, did she ask to see Mr. Trump's genitalia when he was born in 1949? Of course she did.

[Brian Bishop]

She looks kind of like Ivanka Trump a little bit. Ivana. I mean, wait, which I always forget. The daughter is Ivana.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Ivanka's Ivanka.

[Gary]

We've all done worse. That's the guy's eyes. All done worse.

[John Hurwitz]

Yes.

[Gary]

So she, she did. Was doing the hormone therapy at 14.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Gary]

And got the assignment reassignment surgery at 19.

[Brian Bishop]

She's 23 now.

[Gary]

Now 23. And wants to compete.

[John Hurwitz]

Like, what, what is her, like, skill in the competition? Is she able to do like, juggling her own genitalia? You know what I mean? Like, is she, is that fair? Like, I mean, she kind of has a little bit more.

[Gary]

Let me, let me say this weightlifting. Here's my take on this. Not bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Gary]

There's certain things that are what you call performance enhancing. Like every once in a while they'll take a urine test from a prize fighter and they'll find traces of marijuana and they'll take the belt away. And the guy just did fucking 12 rounds of super stellar work, and the next day they find traces of marijuana. And it's just. It's like my feeling is, give him a second belt. If you can fucking do 12 rounds and all the training and all the shit it takes to be a prize fighter and you got some weed in your system that ain't performance enhancing whatsoever. Like you having. Telling your cornerman to have a baker's dozen of Oreos in the corner waiting for you and give me yoo hoo instead of bottled water is not performance enhancing. Now, when you find the creatine in there, whatever the band substances, that's fine. I don't think so. All this stuff to me is, does your former. Whatever gender, does that give you an unfair advantage over the other contestants? And I would say that being a dude. And I'm just looking at the dudes in this room.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think being a dude is.

[Gary]

Gonna give any of us an advantage in a beauty contest. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna agree.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I think if she wins, it's fair and square on that one. I think I was actually really impressed with that photo. I was questioning everything right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Perhaps they do good work in Canada.

[Gary]

I still am. Yeah. All right. Thank God Gloria Allred was there. It's super annoying.

[Brian Bishop]

And Sing Songy and, you know, other contestants are surgically enhanced, and they're allowed to be, aren't they?

[Gary]

That's right. I guess.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm pretty sure they are.

[Gary]

I guess. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a feud brewing between Community creator Dan Harmon and Chevy Chase. Apparently, Chase walked off the set during the filming of the season finale because he objected to the scene. Chase eventually sent Harmon a text message to smooth things over, but Harmon didn't accept the apology and instead said, fuck you. You breached your contract. You're an a hole. Harmon told this to a crowd in Los Angeles at a monthly comedy event he hosts called Harmontown. And he played the voicemail for the audience. And here's the audio from the email.

[Gary]

He said he walked out when you said.

[Allison Rosen]

Text message says, your comments are unnecessary, hurtful.

[Adam Carolla]

I said you.

[Gary]

You've reached your contract. You're ex.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good that you left. And then this happens.

[Gary]

When?

[Adam Carolla]

A day later or that night?

[Allison Rosen]

That night. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

After what I'm guessing is two bottles of Beau.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, Chevy Chase. I hope you're ready to take your medicine.

[Gary]

You're here.

[Allison Rosen]

Take your medicine, you fat. You didn't give us a script to begin with, so nobody knew what the was going on the week during. During the week. Second of all, you're goddamn bad. Writing Stinko was abomination. And your writing is getting worse and worse. So sa. I don't get talked to like that by anybody. Certainly not in front of my wife and daughter.

[Gary]

You.

[Allison Rosen]

You goddamn alcoholic fat. You're gonna live to be about 50, 70, if you're lucky the way you eat.

[Gary]

I got nothing to say to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Except you can suck my. Is that clear? And I hope you can play that for everybody around you who agrees with you that she said you should say you in front of all those people to me and my family. You think that's the right way to behave? If you are here right now, I kick you teeth out.

[Adam Carolla]

I doubt that.

[Allison Rosen]

You're nothing to me. You're a fan of who I've worked with before. You're not funny. You're okay.

[Gary]

All right.

[John Hurwitz]

You couldn't completely diss him there.

[Gary]

You got the same thing from chasing Biggs, though, right?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Oh, every day.

[John Hurwitz]

Son of a bitch.

[Gary]

All right, I got things to say about this. First off, the first time Chevy Chase has been friends funny in 20 years, even though it's unintentional, right? I know a person or two who works on that show. I'm a card carrying NAMBLA member, not saying who it is. And it's one of those things where I don't bring up the name Chevy Chase, but every time I go, how's it going over there? His name gets brought up and it's like, he's a fucking lunatic.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a hermaphrodite.

[Gary]

He is fun. No, it's not Joel McHale. It's somebody else. It's the heavyset black chick whose name I can't recall. But I get an earful of what a fucking lunatic that guy is. And I could. I. I know Chevy Chase is a fucking prima donna lunatic. I mean, everyone has ever worked with him. I mean, I'm sure If you got two fucking shots of NyQuil into like, hey, I need to have a special.

[Allison Rosen]

Bra made for men.

[Gary]

Any. And Gilda. Oh, wait a minute. She's not around. The point is, if you took anyone from that. If you took Garrett. Well, if you took anyone from that cast and told them to speak openly about Chevy Chase, I'm sure they'd tell you what a fucking colossal douchebag he is. I think he's nuts.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's what I was wondering when you were saying that, like, lunatic erratic behavior or not in touch with reality.

[Gary]

I think it is. First off, you must have a pompous bulb that is planted deep within your lunatic soil that when there's enough booze and pills and mulch and stuff that's dumped on top of it, eventually blossoms in the world's shittiest tulip. And I think I should write children's books. You really are really paint a picture.

[Brian Bishop]

Paint a word picture.

[Gary]

So you have to start off with a pompous bass. And that was Chevy's thing. I mean, Chevy's thing was like, tall, great looking, did a year or 2 on SNL, and then struck out to have a movie career. There's a whole generation of idiots that like Fletch because they think it's a good movie, but it's really not one.

[Brian Bishop]

My last name is Rosen. I've been called Dr. Was it Rosen Penis for a long time.

[Gary]

I will go over a long list of wildly overrated movies because. Because a whole generation of people saw him when they were 14 and then just made the decree that they're good, but they're not good anymore. They don't hold up. But anyway, he's not a funny guy. He's a comedic actor. He was a physical comedic actor. He was great looking and he had a great presence and he had charisma like he had it. But he made a string of really shitty movies, and he probably didn't take care of him.

[Dave Damaschek]

He followed it up with a string of another string of really shitty movies. You're talking about Vacation with another string.

[Gary]

Right now he's a sort of washed up lunatic. And that's Chevy Chase. And it'd be one of these things. And this is the part of life I'm interested in. If you talk to every single person on the set of Community and went, give me a list of the biggest pain in the ass lunatic on this set, every single one of them would say, chevy Chase. And then if you said to Chevy Chase, I randomly spoke to 121 people. People, everyone from craft service to your costars. And they all gave one name, and that was your name. He'd say, that's because they're all assholes. Or they're all jealous.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Well, they're all assholes and they're all jealous.

[Gary]

There you go.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

I like the idea that that's, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

All right, maybe I am an asshole who's jealous, but I still have an opinion. No, no.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

But, you know, it's so funny. There's a lot of that in the business that we're all in, obviously.

[John Hurwitz]

But, you know, he didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

He.

[John Hurwitz]

For a drunk, you Know, voice message rant I think he got away with. You know, it could have been worse. Like, you know, Mel Gibson. There was no N word, no C word. It was mostly just suck my dick.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[John Hurwitz]

And I'll kick your teeth. It was a violence and gay stuff. It goes, you know, that's typical. People expect that.

[Gary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And he called him fat.

[John Hurwitz]

Oh, yeah.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[John Hurwitz]

But still, it was. I mean, he's.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah, it was schoolyard.

[Gary]

Yeah, it was good.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's also good.

[John Hurwitz]

It was just so childish. It's just like. Well, you're just stupid.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not a good writer. You're just okay.

[Gary]

I like it when the guy who's trying to knock down the other guy throws himself in the gay wood chipper with him. Like, you sucking my man?

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Gary]

What's that make you? The straightest guy on the planet? Dump a load all over your funny fat fucking face and then I'll turn you around and cornhole your fucking ass. And that's my fucking refractory period, all right? I'll tickle your balls.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll give you a full fucking reach around.

[Gary]

Okay, you fucking gay fuck. Like, what? Who's gay now? I'm.

[John Hurwitz]

Take my dick and stick it deep in your ass.

[Gary]

Yeah, dry, by the way. Fucking. No lube. Forget it. You know what I use for lube? Fucking baking soda. That's how. Fuck. I'll be balls deep in baking soda, Rich, and you're fucking dry ass. Yeah. And then I'll pop one of those ammo poppers and tighten it up, man. It's gonna be good luck walking after I'm done with your ass tomorrow, gay motherfucker. It's always that way.

[John Hurwitz]

Your drunk rant.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you just heard it.

[Gary]

Yeah, that was part one.

[John Hurwitz]

Yes.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

I looked at the email, the E. Voice transcription of his voicemail, and I also feel.

[Allison Rosen]

What the hell?

[Gary]

How I feel.

[Dave Damaschek]

Chase called me.

[Gary]

I feel bad. I feel bad for the fat gay guys out there because they're. They're. Who's the guy writes in the Oscars? All this guy, Bruce.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel bad for Bruce.

[Gary]

Bruce has to be crying every time he hears one of these because every time you start trying to tear another guy down, it just goes fat and gay. And he's got to be looking around going, wait a minute.

[John Hurwitz]

Although he could love Chevy Chase and be like, oh, my God, this is my fault fantasy. Like, you know, but wouldn't it suck.

[Gary]

If, like, every time, like, someone was drunk and leaving when a drunken messenger, like, you guys should be Jews who.

[Allison Rosen]

Went to high school together, right? Harold and Kumar.

[Gary]

Jews who went to high school and made you. Like, if you're just like, whoa. Like, if you're Bruce Waylance.

[Adam Carolla]

It happens every day.

[Gary]

I'm fat and gay. And every single, single message ends up with fat and gay. What the fuck? I walk around this way, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I feel like they're saying there's something wrong.

[Gary]

Yeah. Like, this is the way. Wake up.

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck?

[Gary]

All right. Mm. You know what I would say? Better angle. You're straight, but you fuck super ugly chicks. And, oh, here's why. Here's my. You're not fat and you're not gay. You're straight and you fuck fat chicks. That would flip it around. I would take the theme and move it over. That is the greatest story I have ever heard. Danny had a husky girlfriend. All right, that's good. I like that. I like the feuding.

[Brian Bishop]

NBC News launched an internal investigation. Internal investigation, excuse me. Into why it's Today show broadcast an edited version of the 911 call placed by George Zimmerman the night he shot and killed Trayvon Martin. Both Today and msnbc. Msnbc, excuse me. Broadcast an edited version of the call which makes Zimmerman sound as if he were engaged in racial profiling. Filing. The call that they aired went like this. Zimmerman said, this guy looks like he's up to no good. He looks black. Today didn't inform his audience that it had edited out the middle of the 911 call, which in reality went like this. He said, this guy looks like he's up to no good or on drugs or something. It's raining and he's just walking around looking about. The 911 operator then said, okay, and this guy, is he white, black, or Hispanic? Zimmerman said. Said, he looks black.

[Gary]

Not as bad as what happened to me on a Celebrity Apprentice in terms of the editing hatchet job. But, yes, we talk about this all the time. The news is just turning into a soap opera. And it's as much reality as reality shows is there's a narrative. And we never stop with the we're such a racist culture, and it's such a great news story about what a racist culture we are. The thing that's funny about the whole racist culture thing is we're going on year number three and a half of our first black president, and we've all stepped up. The whole racist culture thing. It's like since Barack Obama got into office.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it.

[Gary]

You feel like everyone's, like, kicked into overdrive with the we have a black president. This topic is gonna sort of go away. Everyone's gotta kick it up. There's a weird compensation. Like somehow we're losing a grip on our racist culture complaints.

[Brian Bishop]

The thing that's tough about this one is that they're very weird. Well, I think there very well may have been a racial component to it.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course there is.

[Brian Bishop]

So the fact that they're editing this out and then not being entirely accurate and then it looks like they're trying to create a narrative. It's a shame because the narrative might already be there.

[Gary]

Yeah, every day it changes. Well, first off, do they have an agenda? Obviously they have an agenda. You always know the agenda because you can see what they're doing. So yes, they have an agenda. We never stop beating ourselves up about this. We can't let it go. Like, we just can't let it go. And I do think ever since we got our first black president, the folks who can't let it go have fucking stepped it up. There is a racist element, a racial element to this. Because if that was a kid who was of a different nationality who didn't commit a disproportionate amount of crime, the guy wouldn't be as nervous. It's the same thing with cab drivers, people. Oh well, black guys don't get picked up in New York City. Who's driving the cabs? A bunch of blue eyed guys whose parents were from Scotland? No, there are a bunch of guys from countries all over the world. They're not even white people. If you really do the math on the guys who are driving the hacks. But they're not picking up black people. So that's a racist problem. And who. That's whitey being racist.

[Dave Damaschek]

Racist.

[Gary]

Their story gets fucked up when the guy becomes something other than white. So they try to take the Hispanic guy. And so what the news does here is they go, first off, let's get rid of the part where the dispatcher asks what the nationality is. We'll just tack black on to looks like he's up to no good. That'll help the narrative. The second part is we'll take this guy who's probably more Hispanic than he is white or Anglo, and we'll get rid of that part and we'll make him a white guy. So that'll fit the narrative. Of course you have, you're built, you're painting a picture, you have a story, you have a narrative, and it's that we're racist. The bottom line is I think this guy was.

[John Hurwitz]

Well, no, but he wasn't Racist enough.

[Gary]

It was like he wasn't racist enough.

[John Hurwitz]

When we wrote a screenplay. It's like he needs. He needs to be clear that he's the villain. You know, it's like, okay, he's racist here, but it's a little wishy washy. Let's make it change his last name from, like, you know, Menendez to Zimmerman. That just sounds, you know, whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, people have ambiguity.

[Brian Bishop]

So they were.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's not.

[Gary]

Some of the answers, he's not racist enough. And yes. So here's the question, though. When the cab driver who's from a foreign land does not pick up the black guy because there's a disproportionate amount of black guys involved with violence and in the criminal justice system and in the penal system and picks up a white guy instead, is he racist.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian?

[Allison Rosen]

Is he racist?

[Gary]

Is that a racist act? And then if you want to, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Mean, yeah, it is. It is. Even if you can understand why he might be making those decisions, that is a racist act. Because the black guy that he's not picking up, he has no reason or he doesn't know that that particular black guy is gonna do something.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the point.

[Gary]

He's basing it on the odds. And if you went to that guy's.

[Brian Bishop]

Country, let's say he only picked up women, he refused to pick up men. Is that sexist?

[Gary]

Well, that's another question. Here's another point. All this racism, it's always black men, but it doesn't seem to be against black women, women per se. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Why isn't it more crime is committed.

[Brian Bishop]

By men than women?

[Gary]

Well, there she is.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm saying, is that sexist? Can he refuse to pick up men?

[Gary]

If I was driving a cab, I would want to pick up women more than men. If it was the wrong side of the tracks, especially late night, yes, it.

[John Hurwitz]

Doesn'T matter what race.

[Gary]

I would work. Here's what I would do. I would work danger of being shot in the back of the head and work down to the lowest common denominator, which is Asian woman. You know what I'm saying?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

You'd be working.

[Brian Bishop]

But we're talking about shooting someone, not picking up someone in a cab.

[Gary]

All right, but is that act racist? You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, there's also tape of him saying fucking C O O N S. And he really. Yeah, but some people say, okay, if you're quoting someone, yeah, not with someone who's picking up drops.

[Dave Damaschek]

But some People clearly and loudly into the microphone.

[Brian Bishop]

There's some question. I think there are people who feel like, no, he didn't say that. He said fucking goons. And it was a term of endearment. That's what someone said. But if you hear the tape, then it does not sound at all like he said fucking goons.

[Gary]

Well, look, whether he's a racist or not. And by the way, he had called.

[Brian Bishop]

56 times to report crime, to report, like, shifty black people. Yeah, he's got out for them.

[Gary]

Yeah, it's an issue. But it still doesn't mean that the news isn't taking the story and running with it. They're not getting enough story. And if you went to another country and drove a cab and somebody told you there's this nationality and that nationality, and this nationality does more shooting of cab drivers, what would you do if you're driving the cab?

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty people.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Bishop]

The network completed its investigation and found an error and issued an apology. And here is that statement. During our investigation, it became evident that there was an error made in the production process that we did deeply regret. We will be taking the necessary steps to prevent this from happening in the future, and we apologize to our viewers.

[Gary]

And how about Spike Lee being an heir?

[Allison Rosen]

How about him being a racist?

[Gary]

He's a fucking racist. Spike Lee is a racist.

[Brian Bishop]

He. You know about this? He retweeted a tweet that revealed. Yeah. The address of what?

[John Hurwitz]

The wrong address.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. The wrong. George Zimmerman's parents. He financially settled with them. I love that story, but we don't.

[Gary]

Know how much I hope that bought a Klan robe and, like, had some Daisy Dukes with that. And look, here's the point. We never stop with this dialogue. Okay, here's the deal. There are racists in this country. There are racists, and then there's cab drivers who basically don't want to get shot and are picking their least likely folks in order. And I'm sure those guys pick up more women or would like or prefer to pick up a woman over a man, just like we all would. I always break it down to this.

[Brian Bishop]

The driver's black, though. I'm not getting in that cab.

[Gary]

He'll shoot you in the rear view. Bounce it right off. No, it's always. It's. It's always like this. And here's how we work as human beings. We see breeds of dogs, and certain breeds of dogs tend to bite, and certain breeds don't. But that doesn't mean that there's not bad and good within each breed.

[Allison Rosen]

We better change the subject.

[Gary]

You change. Just play the odds when you see it and when you see black teens, your brain does a little.

[John Hurwitz]

Like it's a difference between racism and prejudice. Like everybody's prejudice. Everybody has prejudice. Like racism is more of an active thing. It's one thing to like go.

[Brian Bishop]

And I would argue that George Zimmerman.

[John Hurwitz]

Yeah, he was running after.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a little more racist than pred. Yeah, by those it seems.

[John Hurwitz]

But in Adams, what Adam's talking about here, it's actually just like it's innate. You can't even stop it. It's just fear. It's just like you see stuff on the news, you hear stories from people and you feel like, okay, well, okay, I'm in a dangerous neighborhood and a black guy's coming up to me. I'm nervous. That's not being racist. That may be being prejudiced and you can't help it because of the society you live in and the world we live in.

[Brian Bishop]

But yeah, it's an uncomfortable.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it is.

[Gary]

And the reality is we need to address it. And the dialogue should be, look, Zimmerman, I'm sure Zimmerman's racist. I'm not defending him. It's the news saying, here's an opportunity to have a dialogue. Why are people who are not formally racist and who like to think of ourselves as not me actually, but fair, good minded people. Why do we get nervous when we see a black 17 year old with the hoodie on walking at us down the street? Why do we feel freaked out by that? You're not racist, but you might have those feelings. Why should you have those feelings?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I do.

[Brian Bishop]

I told you in college that I watched my friend get held up at a gas station by this large black man who's holding a meat cleaver. And I was afraid of black people.

[Gary]

That was George Wallace.

[Brian Bishop]

It was just a physical reaction.

[Gary]

The dialogue can be, why are people who aren't racist feeling that chill in their spine when they see this guy? Well, the problem is there's a we are odds and look. You can take it to anything. After 9, 11, when you saw the guy, the swarthy guy with the beard and the robe who was coming through the airport and he was, oh shit, I hope that guy doesn't get on my flight. So we do this thing where it's like, oh, you guys hate black people. Oh, you guys hate Muslims. Oh yeah. No, we have a fear and we have a self preservation instinct. And look, if we really wanted just to hate people, we'd hate Japanese people. We really would. Because they bombed Pearl harbor, we put them in internment camps. I mean, we didn't like Japanese people. But you know what's happened since then? They've made a fine quality automobile and mini pickup trucks, and they've excelled in math and science. They made up for it. They made up for it. And they don't pose a threat. Like, you don't feel that, oh, there's a Japanese guy getting on the flight.

[Allison Rosen]

You.

[Gary]

When with me. No, there's. You don't have that situation.

[John Hurwitz]

You actually feel very comforting.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a good luck charm.

[Gary]

Yeah, yeah. You do you hear the pan flute behind you. I know. I'm saying, you take cultures that. And by the way. Oh, we hated the Japanese. We hated them. I mean, we put them in internment camps. We have. We formally hated the Japanese. And it took, you know, generation and a half, and we're. We were done. Like, maybe our grandparents still say Japs, and we have some uncle that's 90 that fought these guys and did island hopping with these guys and fought it out with these guys. And he'll never forgive or he'll never change his mind. He's set in his ways or whatever. But when we sit around here and think about Japanese people, we just think about good students and good automobiles. Right. That's all we think of it. So we have the opportunity to think this way or that way over many different cultures. And I and I know that the black leaders do this thing where they go, we've just singled out the black men and decided to discriminate against black men. But there's a million different opportunities for us to discriminate against. And we don't jump on. We don't jump on Eastern Indian men for some reason. There's plenty of, you know, we mistake.

[Brian Bishop]

Them for Middle Eastern. We do.

[Gary]

Yeah. The thing is, is we take the. You know, we try to figure out who poses a physical threat to us, who could possibly do it. And unfortunately, we don't really work the percentages. We just go, if this group is a little bit higher in the percentage, then we're not picking them up. That's how we work. There's a black guy in one corner and there's a Japanese guy in the other corner. And. And we go, this guy poses less of a threat. And that's what we do.

[Brian Bishop]

So then what do black guys who aren't out to fuck with anyone do? Because that must suck.

[Gary]

Yes. Well, the first thing.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Dress really dirty.

[Gary]

The first. Learn Japanese. Yeah.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Be the Nerdiest black guy.

[Gary]

There's a problem. Then it's like, oh, you want to take our culture away? Well, the sort of thug culture. Yeah, because those are the guys that everyone's freaked out about.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Yes. Be honest here.

[Brian Bishop]

That was Geraldo's argument that they shouldn't wear hoodies. They should not be wearing hoodies. And then he had to apologize on.

[John Hurwitz]

The hoodie and how.

[Brian Bishop]

You're right, I'm afraid of both of you.

[Gary]

It is. I mean, the culture needs to change. The discussion of bringing up the young black male and why the poverty and why the violence and why, you know, racist society aside, let's just say we're a horribly racist society. All right? Maybe we are. And that'll never go away. So let's just take that as a constant. That will never go away. Okay, now what are we going to do, Dads? Hang out. Raise your kid, Focus on education. Keep that kid out of trouble. We need discipline. We need disciplinarians at home. We need a family structure and a culture that says it's not okay to settle things with violence. We need a dad who's there to be the disciplinarian. And we need intact families. That's what we need. And the racist culture? Well, somehow Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey have figured out a way to skirt the system and get around that maybe we are racist. Maybe that'll never change. I mean, Spike Lee would probably say, look, let's face it, we're living in a racist culture. What are we going to do? Well, it's not going away. Whatever we have, have, whatever attempts at education, however we spin the news, it's not working. So let's just work on the one thing we can control. That's our family. That's our raising of our kids. That's the educating of our kids and focus on that and then see if things magically change. See if cab drivers magically start picking up young black teens. See if people stop being freaked out by young black teens in hoodies. I suspect it will magically change as that side of it changes. There's always going to be situations. Zimmerman's. I'm not saying this guy did anything right. I'm saying he was wrong 100%. And I'm not defending him and saying he's not a racist, but I'm saying they're not nearly as many racists as the Spike Lee's of the world would like us think. And this culture is as even a playing field as you'll find on this planet. So if you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere.

[Brian Bishop]

I've now actually hit the age where I'm afraid of Alti news. Teenagers.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

You should have that. Like, if I'm walking down the street. No, regardless, it's more just an age and a sort of. I don't know. I don't know what I'm picking up on them. My own being kind of old now. I don't know. But I'm just like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna go on the other side. And I don't know what they're gonna do or say.

[John Hurwitz]

I think that you're a story. I mean, they're shooting kids in school. Everything you see, it seems like a more violent generation. I don't know.

[Gary]

I think it's a news. I think it's a sort of form of racist for the folks that should be getting involved and should be judging and should be saying, look, man, we gotta get this together. The prisons are filled with your young teenage and young men. What the fuck is going on? Let's do something about this. It's the. I can't judge. I don't want to say anything. It's not my culture. I can't do anything. I'm just not going to pick you up when I'm driving a cab.

[Brian Bishop]

It's so fucking complicated.

[Allison Rosen]

It's so interesting.

[Gary]

It's not that complicated.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't think it is?

[Gary]

No, it's families. Get the families together. Here's what it is. There's a cultural family problem with African Americans. The dads aren't staying around and raising the kids. It's an epidemic and everyone knows it. And no one's gonna say shit about it. And you show me any culture where the dad splits, and I'll show you a culture where there's teens that are running unchecked who aren't being disciplined. Discipline. Who are getting into trouble. Let's face it. That's it. And I think the culture should. And again, if Bill Cosby pipes up, then he's a pariah and he gets tossed out. But I'm saying we should address this like it's an epidemic, because it is. And not doing it for us, doing it for them and everyone else. I don't want the fucking prisons filled with black guys. I don't want the cab drivers not picking them up either. And you can say, well, then knock it off. But they'll never knock it off as long as there's a disproportionate amount of violence created by one group or any group, whatever color they are. So let's focus on that family unit. When can we have the dialogue about the dads hanging out? When can we have that? We're not going to have it. The politicians aren't going to have it. They're going to kowtow to them. They're going to tell them what they want. They're going to talk about more social programs and better schools and better teachers, better principals and better everything. It's not that. It's the family. It's always the family. I've said it a million times. I went to North Hollywood High. We had Jews, we had blacks, we had Hispanics, we had white trash. Nobody went to college except for the Jews and the Asians. Why? Their families were intact. Every Jew I knew their families were intact. They focused on education. Their kids went to Cal, ucla, pla, and Stanford. And the rest of us clean carpets.

[John Hurwitz]

Malcolm X picked the wrong religion, I think, you know, I think that's right.

[Gary]

Should have been a Jew.

[John Hurwitz]

Had he started that trend, you know, it would have been interesting instead of the Nation of Islam, you know?

[Gary]

Right. So everyone is freaked out and uncomfortable because a white guy is talking about black culture. And that's not our job and that's not our place. And haven't we done enough to these people? Now we're judging them and all that. But the reality is we have done enough to them. We've done enough horrible things to them and it's time we do something for them. And part of of that is addressing a problem. It's like, we're a doctor.

[Brian Bishop]

We should send Michelle Pfeiffer to the inner city.

[Gary]

Yeah. We don't wanna say you have cancer because we don't wanna be mean. There's a cancer in that culture. The dads are getting people pregnant and they're leaving. That's a cancer. We need to focus on it like it's a problem, like the problem it is and discuss it and see if we can fix it.

[John Hurwitz]

It's a tough problem to solve. You need to, you know, there needs to be insistent incentive to stay. I think they need to create incentive.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Monetize your needs to be like you're.

[John Hurwitz]

Gonna get this many blowjobs. It's gonna be like, intense.

[Gary]

I'll do it. Give me the knee pads. Yeah, you know what? Can't we all just blow along? Yes. The incentive. Here's the incentive. I'm sorry for getting too serious for too long here, but the incentive is being judged.

[Brian Bishop]

You See, I feel like blowjobs is more motivated.

[Gary]

We need need. And the black culture needs to start judging the guys who have five, six kids and then split. In the Jewish community, you would be judged. If you started a large family and then decided to head off to Florida and ride out the rest of your life, you would be fucking judged. And we need to start judging as a culture, they need to judge themselves. We need to judge. Everyone needs to judge. It's not a bad thing. It's not all right to have this. It's an epidemic. Epidemic. And it will lead to everything. It will lead to poverty. It will lead to violence. It leads to crime. It leads to more unwanted kids. It's a horrible cycle. And we all as a society have to get together and start judging. And we can also judge and talk about racism at the same time. And how what we're gonna do that. But we can't keep ignoring the elephant in the room.

[Allison Rosen]

Next story.

[Gary]

Next. Thank you. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Alec Baldwin is engaged to his yoga instructor, girlfriend, friend. I wanted to do the serious story now.

[Gary]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he. She's 28 and her name is Hilaria Thomas.

[Allison Rosen]

Hilaria.

[Brian Bishop]

Hilaria.

[Gary]

Wow.

[John Hurwitz]

This is Hilaria.

[Brian Bishop]

Posed to her just before his 54th birthday.

[Gary]

Wow.

[John Hurwitz]

Good for him.

[Gary]

Yeah. What's Kim Basinger doing? No, yoga instructor. Can't go wrong with that. Wow. He's got the Bill Maher hairdo in this one picture.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[John Hurwitz]

He's got the Bill Maher smile, too.

[Gary]

He hasn't been married. He took a good 10 years off. I'm trying to think of when he got divorced.

[Dave Damaschek]

Is it before or after the LA Confidential movie?

[Gary]

That was like 95, gotta say. Right about then or after. Good guy. Little nutty, but he can back it up. That's the whole thing about Alec Baldwin. There's the Chevy Chase. Nutty. I don't think he's bringing anything to the party anymore. And then there's Baldwin. It's just fucking awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, what is your feeling about this age difference though? Cause you are not the kind of person who feels like, oh, age is just a number. You feel like a 54 year old and a 28 year old actually are going to run into a lot of areas where they don't have something to talk about. Right.

[Gary]

Divorced in O2. Well, there's this. There, there is that whole thing. I mean, it always. It's usually when it comes to music, you know, where you start like going, you know, you bring up Deep Purple or Steely Dan and they're like, what? When is that? And you're like, come on. And then, unfortunately, the only person next to them was one of their ditzy friends who's a year younger. And you go, come on, Deep Purple, Steely Dan. And they go, yeah. And it's like, I am 0 for 137 in the. Come on to the next person who's standing next to it. I don't know what that. I don't know what that is. Like, you guys know as writers all the time, when you're talking and you're doing that thing and you're collaborating, you get in that argument, you go, you know, there's some joke where the guy says, yeah, I'd like to put a ball gag in you. And then the other guy goes, no one knows what a ball gag is. And then the next guy goes, everyone knows what. What a ball gag is. Everyone's heard of a ball gag. And you go, I don't think so. And then someone goes, ask Sheila. And then Sheila walks in from the next office. You go, sheila, do you know what a ball gag is?

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Gary]

And then you go, see? And then she leaves. And then you go, she's a fucking retard. Come on. No one ever talks shit more shit about someone who doesn't know what something is. But the point is, you know, it's one of those, like, the whole. The whole marriage thing is almost like the prostitute thing, which is, look, if she needs 100 bucks and he's got a boner, then that's their business. If he, you know, if he's who he is and he wants to marry young piece of arm candy and she wants to be with the distinguished guy whose name, you know, he recognizes and blah, blah, blah. It's between the two of them.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

The thing that I like about it is, didn't he. He did that movie with Meryl Streep, like, two years ago about, like, his character was, like, with the young girl and learned all those lessons in that.

[Gary]

That's right.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

No, but he learned the lessons that it's a mistake that, you know, in.

[John Hurwitz]

That he was going through a midlife crisis. And then he realized he needed somebody his own age he could talk to about Steely Dan with. Yeah, and then he finished that movie and took that money and bought this. This girl over here.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I just realized you guys are kind of responsible for introducing MILF into culture, aren't you?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

We're not.

[Allison Rosen]

We.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

You know, we didn't do the original American film. Oh, but.

[John Hurwitz]

But MILF was. Was around For a buzz around.

[Brian Bishop]

But I feel like it became really hot. Milf.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

It was John Cho as MILF guy number two popularized. He popularized the MILF term and really got that genre of porn up and running in a big way.

[Gary]

Yeah, not a fan of the MILF porn.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Feel like it's not the best.

[Gary]

I don't know, it's like you want to watch senior league baseball or you just want to watch young, able bodied 21 year olds.

[John Hurwitz]

It's interesting though that now it's like, like if you're in your late 20s and you're a porn star, you're like entering milf, like a new phase of your career.

[Gary]

Yeah, it's true.

[John Hurwitz]

It's another. It gives it another burst.

[Gary]

There's something out there, but I feel like I want to see everyone in their prime, you know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

That's me, the romantic.

[Gary]

I want to see them in their fucking prime.

[John Hurwitz]

I want to see them.

[Gary]

They're most nubile and athletic previews, that's me.

[John Hurwitz]

Yeah, well, they're abused before.

[Allison Rosen]

Newly.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yes, newly abused.

[Gary]

Newly.

[Allison Rosen]

Freshly abused.

[Brian Bishop]

See, I'm the loinspawn of a milf. So you know how we always talk about people who are very specific about whether they drink Pepsi or Coke versus the people who don't care at all?

[Gary]

Jimmy Kimmel.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well, Jimmy Kimmel, which one does he like? Either this is great for him or bad news.

[Gary]

He spat Pepsi in my face when we were eating at Paquito Mas because he asked for a couple Coke. They gave it to him in a cup. He sucked it out of the straw. He couldn't let it pass his palate because, you know, he's a scientist and he spat it out at me because it's like he has a record of never ingesting Pepsi Cola.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

He has a record. He's been keeping track.

[Gary]

Well, it's one of these things where he's made the proclamation, I will not drink Pepsi. Yeah, Like I've said, I'll never give my wife a compliment. And I've been on a streak for almost seven years, years now. And no, it's one of those things where, you know, you just do those things where, like I've done that with lottery tickets. Like I fucking hate the lottery. It's gambling for retards. It's state sponsored bullshit. And I can't believe it. I'll never buy a lottery ticket. And if I bought one, it would kind of fuck me up.

[Allison Rosen]

Like I wouldn't like it.

[Gary]

So.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I've never had calamari And I feel like I'm just gonna go with that.

[Gary]

Mmm.

[Brian Bishop]

Cause it's my thing.

[Gary]

You and Kimmel. That'd be a weird thing because Kimmel's never not had calamari.

[Brian Bishop]

That is weird.

[Gary]

He has calamari cereal in the morning, his calamari scented candles in his bathroom.

[Brian Bishop]

And I have all non calamari versions of those same things.

[Gary]

This would be one of those things where you and Kimmel will be sitting around, he'd be having a moment, and he'd be like, you tell your. I'll be Jimmy telling my Pepsi One and you tell me your calamari thing. It'll be like we hear the conversation go south.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Gary]

Yeah. I'm one of those guys where I only drink Coke. I've never let a drop of Pepsi cross my palate. And I will take that to the grave.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm like that.

[Gary]

I love that.

[Brian Bishop]

I totally get that.

[Gary]

Because you got the same convictions.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, yeah, that's. I am.

[Gary]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Calamari.

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck?

[Gary]

Are you kidding?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the best shit ever.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Get the out of my house.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, what?

[Gary]

Leave.

[Allison Rosen]

Pack my hunt bag and leave.

[Gary]

I don't need you around.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Gary]

You would. No. We're nothing on, like, we have nothing. We have no common ground. Calamari's the greatest ever. What are you doing? I would take calamari flavored multivitamins if they had them.

[Brian Bishop]

So anyway, Dunkin Donuts announced Monday they're switching with calamari. Yeah, I think it's kind of gross. And yet I'm well aware, between you and the me that's talking right now, as opposed to me, that I present to society, I'm well aware that it's probably not that bad because everyone likes it. It seems gross to me.

[Gary]

Look, it's just battered and deep fried and it's like.

[John Hurwitz]

Honestly, the word squid is a bad word, I'll give you that.

[Brian Bishop]

But it tastes good.

[Gary]

It is. And when you. When you dunk it in the marinara sauce.

[John Hurwitz]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. Dunkin Donuts is switching from pet.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like.

[Gary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Damaschek]

But it's fried. Almost anything fried is great.

[Gary]

Yeah. It's hard to go wrong. Although once in a while you go to a really good Italian joint and they do their own calamari their own way. And it fucking takes it to another level.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Gary]

And it just. With a little zest of the lemon on there. Anyway. Boy, I'm fucking dying for some calamari. We gotta hit an all night calamari joint on the way home.

[Dave Damaschek]

Good Place of resita.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, good.

[Brian Bishop]

The idea of squid doesn't leave anything to be desired for you.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even like a picture of.

[Brian Bishop]

Non calamari style squid.

[Gary]

I don't like seafood. I'm not a big seafood guy. But even I'll eat calamar because it's just fucking bright.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Gary]

That's the whole thing.

[Dave Damaschek]

I will say Allison's defense is a texture thing is weird. It's rubbery.

[Gary]

It's weird. I get it.

[John Hurwitz]

A good calamari is like, you know, not too rubbery.

[Gary]

Yeah, it's only rubbery if you don't cook it right. Says the guy who makes the calzone with the Velveeta. There you go, buddy. Got it in there. Banned from Kimmel's house. Banned from Kimmel's house for bringing over the wrong kind of calzone.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, that's cooked and that. Like life's whole squid. But with it we know what it looks like.

[Gary]

Newer and newer.

[Allison Rosen]

Disgusting changes tentacles.

[Gary]

It's funny. I understand what squids look like.

[Brian Bishop]

Wiggly, slimy things.

[Gary]

I've seen drawings of squids.

[Brian Bishop]

A penis is more attractive.

[Gary]

Ooh, kalikake. Dude, watch that.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, all right.

[Gary]

Understand. Look, there's a lot of animals. You know, bacon's great, but pigs aren't beautiful. You know what I mean? I mean, there's a lot of stuff you can make that argument for, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

It's true.

[Gary]

Catfish doesn't look fantastic.

[Brian Bishop]

I've never had catfish either.

[Gary]

Not great looking.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's delicious.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It sucks up stuff from the bottom of the ocean.

[Gary]

Not the George Clooney, the Fish world catfish. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

But the point that I was trying to make earlier is that Dunkin Donuts has announced that they're switching from Pepsi to Coke.

[Gary]

Is all you're eating based on how the animal looked before while it was alive. Like swordfish. That's majestic and delicious. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[John Hurwitz]

Only lamb.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's not. But I wish it were.

[Gary]

All right.

[Dave Damaschek]

Panda at this restaurant. Because I love panda.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I don't like panda.

[Gary]

Koala and panda. Those are the cutest of all the edible animals.

[Dave Damaschek]

Any more soupy will do.

[Gary]

All right, so wait a second. They switch.

[Brian Bishop]

Tender pouch.

[Gary]

They switch from Pepsi to Coke or Coke to Pepsi.

[Brian Bishop]

Pepsi to Coke. In all Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins.

[Gary]

I wonder if we will be relief.

[Brian Bishop]

Only to know that I wouldn't. I would go out of my way to avoid eating something cute. I'm a hypocrite. I won't eat disgusting things or cute things. Could we like middle of the road.

[Gary]

Could we just have fucking Coke and Pepsi in the same. Under the same goddamn roof? Like, I feel like we have that with everything except for fucking Coke and Pepsi. Like, why do you have to declare a beverage major? Why can't you just have fucking Coke and Pepsi?

[Brian Bishop]

It's civil war.

[Allison Rosen]

It's some kind of weird Coke and Pepsi cartel.

[Gary]

And they come in and they shake you down and they go, either you, you're with us or you're against us.

[Brian Bishop]

What would happen actually if a restaurant tried to have both? Like, how long would they be able.

[Gary]

To Crystal life now made a rat outside.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

You know, the supermarket is neutral ground. It's just the supermarket. It's okay. You know, everyone could go for now. Nowadays it's like church, you know? You know, you could go in there and. And it's. It's a safe place.

[Gary]

You'd get the 2 liter bottles through your windows that night of the competitors.

[Brian Bishop]

You just hear them bouncing, bouncing off.

[Gary]

Yeah, I like crystal light knock though.

[Brian Bishop]

That is good.

[Gary]

Delightful, refreshing Jewish beverage tragedy.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosenzip it cunt.

[Gary]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. You guys are juicy. You do a lot of wrenching on your own cars?

[Hayden Schlossberg]

Yeah. Yes, all the time.

[Gary]

Your parents put an emphasis on wrenching, not so much study.

[John Hurwitz]

We can take care of it.

[Gary]

Good, good. That's right. How about you go to Auto Shepherd? You go online to autoshepard.com. they literally gave me this copy. They said, remember David Carradine from Kung Fu? He didn't understand the importance of good airflow. I like these guys. These are my kind of atheists.

[Herbert]

Too soon?

[Gary]

I don't care. I would have put him in that red, white and blue GI and put him right on his bed. But no, but. Put the flute right across his chest. But no, they had to leave them in the closet. Right now Auto shepherd has K and N high flow stock replacement air filters on sale. They got discounts. You see you guys, I know what you're thinking. I'm tired of replacing the air filter in my car. And it costs money. And it's filling up the landfills with the whole air filters.

[Hayden Schlossberg]

That's the worst part.

[Gary]

Most of those landfills are like 85, 90% air filters. Well, you used a K and N ones, lifetime guarantee. You just, you wash them. You literally pull them out when they get dirty. Wash them with soap. You oil them up, put them right back in high performance air filters. Better performance, better mileage, washable, reusable. Don't get caught with your pants down. Let's get over to auto shepherd. Autoshepard.com. if you don't know how to spell it, you go to our website, autoshepard.com. good guy. And we get all our parts from these guys. And also, did you get some parts from Auto Shepherd?

[Dave Damaschek]

I just ordered something. I just got some from Auto Shepherd.

[Gary]

Wasn't I talking?

[Allison Rosen]

What'd you get?

[Dave Damaschek]

I got a. You know the, the cable that holds your tailgate down the back of your truck? One of them was severed and it held by one cable for a long time. I was like, I'm gonna fix this. Finally, finally gonna address this issue. This seven dollar item.

[Gary]

That cable didn't break. It was cut.

[Dave Damaschek]

Oh my God.

[Gary]

Every second TV movie the week I would see when I was a kid, would it be at some point?

[Allison Rosen]

Point?

[Gary]

So we're like 33 minutes in, someone hold up a piece of rope and go, which rope didn't break, it was cut. I don't feel like I could stare at a piece of rope and know. And there's never anyone going, how the fuck do you know that? Who made you the rope cutting severed expert guy? Yeah, you really just look like a piece of broken rope to me. No, that was no mountain climbing accident. That rope was cut. And no one ever goes, you sure? Maybe we should test it before we make the these kind of proclamations. And there was always a lot of those break lines. They didn't break, they were cut. There's a lot of, lot of things being cut. Work that into your next script. Sorry, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Otto Shepherd.

[Gary]

That's right. Yeah. Oh, how about this? How about proflowers Easter this weekend? What the hell? Coming around. I feel like it just.

[Brian Bishop]

Every year it's faster and faster.

[Gary]

It's faster and faster. No, dig this. Remember, remember that span when you were a kid, when you were a student between Easter break and school, out for summer, full Alice Cooper, the dog dance. You know what I mean? Like that time when you were coming back from Easter break, if someone had even brought you, brought up summer vacation, you would have been like, don't even go there. Like we're a million miles away. You really, if you do the timeline on Easter, it was like eight weeks.

[John Hurwitz]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Which when in the ninth grade? Just the fucking lifetime.

[John Hurwitz]

You're going back to jail, right?

[Gary]

And now if somebody says something's happening in eight weeks, you're like, oh shit, I gotta start packing. Like, it's There. It sucks that as you get older.

[Allison Rosen]

Life speeds up to that.

[Gary]

To the point where it's like you're 70. Each day feels like a second. Then you're dead anyway. Proflowers Easter this weekend, forget about thinking about your own demise and the demise of loved ones and how we'll all just be dust in the wind, surprise that special someone again. We're not going on. We're not going to live forever, people. I think I just made that abundantly clear. How about we get some. I'll tell you what will live forever.

[Allison Rosen]

These proflowers.

[Brian Bishop]

You want flowers that'll outlive you, guaranteed.

[Gary]

At least seven days. Hey, we can't say that for any of us. We don't know. We don't know. Money back guarantee, by the way. And guaranteed delivery in time for Easter. How about that? And a free glass vase and chocolates. Just $19.99. Call 800 proflowers. Mention Ace and you get the deal that is proflowers.com click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in ace. Good guys, good sponsors, good folks and tons of flowers for under 20 bucks. But only if you mention Ace. So go to proflowers.com tell them we sent you our 800 Pro flowers. All right. Where the hell did the time go? Am I missing anything? John Hayden. Hey, best of luck to you. Thanks.

[John Hurwitz]

Have a great time.

[Gary]

Oh, I got it. Yeah, thanks. American Reunion this Friday in theaters. That's April 6th this Friday and you can go online. AmericanReunionMovie.com come in when you have the next project.

[John Hurwitz]

Will love to do that.

[Gary]

I'd love to have you back. So until next time, it's Adam Kroll for John Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg. I got it.

[Allison Rosen]

And Allison Rosen and Ball Brian saying mahalo.

[Gary]

Airport.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Cole show 793. John Hayden, who responds responsible for Harold Kumar and the guy's appearance is back on Loveline. Adam promoting that movie. Eventually supposed to do the deaf frat guy movie. Never came to be. Eventually ended up doing Cobra Kai and taking Adam Corolla's most absurd favorite character from the series, Terry Silver and reintroducing him in a really cool way as well as Mike Barnes from the third movie. Really, it's a real huge continuation of Karate Kid 3 movie that Adam Carolla did a commentary with Kevin Hench for back in the day. They really focus on the characterization of Terry Silver, I believe was played by a 26 year old Thomas Ian Griffith. But he was a Vietnam vet and the movie came out in 1989, which they mocked endlessly. You can still find that bass cable commentary online. You can buy it. It's hilarious. Highly recommend it until next weekend. Mallow and get it.

[Adam Carolla]

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