Dave Dameshek + Lisa Lampanelli (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Carolla Classics – Dave Dameshek + Lisa Lampanelli
Original Air Dates: 2013 | Carolla Classics Re-broadcast March 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show’s “Carolla Classics” features two standout segments from 2013, showcasing Adam’s signature irreverent humor alongside football podcaster Dave Dameshek and comedian Lisa Lampanelli. The episode revisits classic conversations about pop culture, birthdays, comedy, fame, weight loss, everyday annoyances, and much more, plus special appearances from medical fitness expert Dr. Jeffrey Life. Expect quick-witted banter, confessions, bits about mundane irritations, and amusing insights into the reality of working in showbiz.

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Key Highlights & Discussion Points

1. Riffing on Birthdays, Family, and Earned Celebrations

• Adam, Dave & Bryan Bishop discuss the meaning of birthdays: Adam rails against obligatory celebrations, preferring accomplishments over luck-of-the-draw milestones.
  • Adam: “I want stuff you earn. I'm not interested in stuff you don't earn.” (09:05)
• Dave posits: “Looking forward to birthdays is like when your parents would pick you up from school...and then instantly, whether you had a good or bad day, you felt awful.” (07:29)
• Hilarity ensues around family traditions, Adam’s indifference to his own birthday, and why everyone celebrates even the lowest among us (Saddam, Hitler) being born.

2. Gift Giving Rituals & Jimmy Kimmel’s Ace Hotel Surprise

• Adam reflects on good gifts vs. obligatory ones and how real friends show up in meaningful ways.
  • “Kimmel's gifts are always really thoughtful. He's a great gift giver.” (16:44)
• Story: Jimmy Kimmel surprises Adam with Ace Hotel-branded gifts—tying in Adam's "Ace Man" nickname—in a gesture of personal significance.
• Quick tangent on celebrity gift myths: Did Kimmel really buy Jeff Ross the topless Bea Arthur painting?

3. The Dilemma of Unwanted CDs & Modern Guilt

• Adam laments the burden of receiving CDs from aspiring bands: unable to throw them out, he “passes the burden” to a younger, B-list staff who couldn’t care less (20:19).
• Dave likens it to the “pass the penny” jar at stores.

4. Movie Talk: Sequels, Comedy, and ‘Behind the Candelabra’ Review

• In-depth debate: Are comedy sequels doomed? Is the “newness” of a premise what makes a comedy work?
  • “When it comes to just doing a comedy...is it almost impossible to follow up?” (25:08)
• “Hangover 3” gets panned:
  • Brian Bishop: “Disastrous, awful, awful, unfunny movie. Just terrible.” (21:54)
  • Riff about sequels’ diminishing returns: “It’s like a relationship—first date, you see her from across the bar...year 14, you walk into the bathroom after they shit it up—now it’s a different relationship.” (27:28)
• Adam’s “Behind the Candelabra” review (95:45):
  • “Michael Douglas—no way! And then you went, wow, they pulled this off... It looked good. There’s gonna be some Emmys around, I'm guessing.”

5. Sports Talk with Dave Dameshek

• The group discusses NHL and NBA playoffs, team bets (Penguins vs. Bruins), and the “local foods” tradition.
  • Adam jokes: “I want some fisting, some dry fisting, or sex with the other one's wife or something...just send over one of our hams isn’t enough.” (35:09)
• Sports name favorites: Milan Lucic, Radic Bonk, Håkan Loob (38:44).
• Dave reads NHL names with comic relish.

6. Fitness, Testosterone, and Conquering Old Age (Dr. Jeffrey Life Segment)

• Dr. Life shares his transformation story and longevity tips:
  • “Eating the right kinds of food, drinking the right kinds of liquids, and doing the right kind of exercise.” (62:39)
  • Warns against processed carbs and recounts his own diet and fitness regimen (65:01–70:34)
• “Do you wake up with morning erections?”—funny, awkward banter as prostate and testosterone health is discussed (93:05).

7. Comedy with Lisa Lampanelli (1:19:51–1:36:56)

• Lisa Bellies her weight loss: “I lost 107 pounds. That is 17 Sarah Jessica Parkers!” (120:29)
• Talks gastric sleeve surgery, the shift in emotional eating (“Now my anger just comes out disproportionately, usually at Asians”), and what changes in her marriage and touring routine.
• Brilliant reenactment: Adam pretends to be Lisa’s husband, acting as the perfect domesticated man to hilarious effect (126:36).
• On successful comedians’ insecurity and measuring against peers (138:23).

8. Fingerprints, Bureaucracy, and Everyday Annoyance

• Adam rants about coaching background checks:
  • “I have a fake middle name on every legal document I have... We're super lazy and stupid as a society, but sticklers for details.” (108:10)
  • Over-the-top story of being fingerprinted by a “nice Armenian lady” (111:38).

9. Game Shows & Pop Culture Nostalgia

• The group debates the best TV game shows ever, riffing on their childhood favorites and the inherent absurdity of some formats.
  • Adam: “If this list were accurate, it would go at number three, Price Is Right; number two, Pyramid; number one, Match Game.” (183:28)
  • Bald Bryan: “How would you draw ‘An Elephant Never Forgets’?” (181:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Adam on Birthdays: “Saddam Hussein had birthdays and Hitler had birthdays. All the greats have had birthdays.” (08:28)
• Dave Dameshek: “Birthdays are like assholes—everyone has one, and they all stink.” (09:03)
• Adam on CDs: “Now someone gives me a CD, I don’t know what to do with it. So it floats around my car. I'm not gonna listen to it, but I can't chuck it.” (20:19)
• Brian on Hangover 3: “In the theater I was in, a third of the audience walked out halfway through.” (30:09)
• Lisa Lampanelli: “That is 17 Sarah Jessica Parkers right there!” (120:29)
• Adam (Re: Lisa’s Husband): “Sorry, I'm out of breath. I've been pushing a Swiffer around the condo... The bed will be turned down, mint on your pillow, sun tea steeping by the grow light...” (126:02)
• Dr. Jeffrey Life: “If you eat carbs... you’re going to spike your blood sugars. You're going to end up with insulin resistance and glucose intolerance.” (63:44)
• Adam on societal nonsense: “You have to get thumbprinted... coaching my son's team. Why? I have a fake middle name on my license. We’re super lazy and stupid as a society, but sticklers for details.” (108:06)
• Game Show Bit: “Can I buy a vowel here, but he’s talking about performing oral sex, you know—Can I buy a vowel?” – Bald Bryan on 80s comics’ hack jokes (191:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Birthdays & Family Philosophy: 01:42–13:45
• Gift Giving & Kimmel Story: 13:45–18:14
• Unwanted CDs: 18:13–21:02
• Comedy Sequels, Hangover 3 Review, Candelabra Discussion: 21:02–30:59, 95:45–99:42
• Dave Dameshek Sports Segment: 33:43–41:34, 161:38–163:38
• Dr. Jeffrey Life (Fitness & Old Age): 61:53–93:05
• Lisa Lampanelli Interview: 119:51–136:56
• Coaching Fingerprints Rant: 103:29–116:27
• Game Show Discussion & Pop Nostalgia: 176:36–198:23

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Episode Tone & Style

• Unfiltered, candid, and rapid-fire banter: Adam and friends don’t shy from dark comedy, self-deprecation, or poking fun at society’s small absurdities.
• Features bits, impressions, and sound effects (e.g., “blaster” jokes, calling Jesus at Christian Mingle).
• Emphasis is on the everyday irritants of life, pop culture, the weirdness of showbiz, and male aging—all explored with sarcasm, wit, and occasional vulnerability.

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For fans of the Carolla universe or classic conversational comedy, this Carolla Classics episode is a masterclass in ribbing, storytelling, and making life's mundanity hilarious.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster? I was so moved by how carefully

[Bald Bryan]

he buried my electrical wires. I knew I could trust him to

[Adam Carolla]

bury my sweet nibbles after his untimely end.

[Bald Bryan]

This is very strange, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail] the Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Brian Bishop]

Welcome to Corolle Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Bald Bryan]

This is the podcast where we play

[Brian Bishop]

the best moments, highlights and fans like

[Bald Bryan]

the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics and you can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one. If you'd like to find the ad

[Brian Bishop]

free archives of the Adam Carolla show

[Bald Bryan]

as well as The Adam and Dr. Drew show and the podcast Beat it

[Brian Bishop]

out, make sure to check out Adam

[Bald Bryan]

Carolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcrolo.com

[Brian Bishop]

all right, let's get to the clips coming up.

[Bald Bryan]

First we have Adam Crollo show 1088 featuring Dr. Life, Dave Dameshek, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop from 2013. Dave Damoshek, welcome back.

[Adam Carolla]

What a pleasure to see you. How was Memorial Day?

[Bald Bryan]

My well, good. Good to see you.

[Dave Dameshek]

Allison Rose, hello and happy belated birthday.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. And bald Brian, here's how fucked up I am with the calendar and with my my birthday. I never knew. I never associated my birthday and its proximity to Labor Day and actually Memorial Day and I screw up the two all the time. So my whole life my birthday is either landed on Memorial Day or somewhere around Memorial Day. And you'd still have to ask me every year, what's the one that comes at the beginning of the summer and the one that comes at the end? Well, one of them comes on your birthday. Still never again. I blame my parents for turning my birthday and turning it into basically Cigarette butt. Something to be discarded and be avoided. I don't know what anyone's birthday is in my family because they celebrate. They combine birthdays and then celebrate them two months down the road and stuff. So I never knew when it landed, but I had a good time. Couple of observations and you guys tell me what you think then, as not promised, behind a candelabra. My review.

[Brian Bishop]

Dying to hear about this.

[Bald Bryan]

And also, we'll do a little hooray for Baldiwood over there. You have Fast. I mean, sorry. You have Hangover 3. Sorry, I. Everyone wants me and Bill Simmons to go see Fast and Furious, but he's out of town covering the Mavericks or whatever. I was in Memphis eating. Eating them ribs and listening to the blues. Yeah, well, so now I love it. So I said to him, I shot him an email on like Thursday, and I said, bill, are you in town? Can we see this movie? And he shot back, no, Ace, man, we're gonna have to see it separately then. See it together. And I thought, well, can't we just wait till Wednesday when you come home? And he said, can't wait. Go, Pat.

[Dave Dameshek]

I love that. You're also gonna have to see it separately, though.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, we needed to see it separately. And. Well, no, he was just assuming that I couldn't wait either. So then I had this weird dilemma, which is I said, why can't I take my son? He's almost seven. You know what I mean? I saw Pepillon when I was seven.

[Brian Bishop]

He's halfway to PG 13.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. He's technically a little past, if you're counting months. So I said, why can't I take my son? And then I realized all he does in his video games is shoot people anyway. This is just balder people, bigger arms shooting people. It's not no big whoop. Big muscle bound guys shooting each other. And then the car stuff's just the car stuff. In a weird way, those movies are sort of devoid of sexuality. They're just.

[Dave Dameshek]

They're just like video games come to life.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, they're just cars flipping over and then people crawling out of them. It's just one big A team sort of montage.

[Brian Bishop]

Plus, before puberty kicks in, sexual sex scenes and all that stuff is all just confusing. You're like, huh, what's going on?

[Bald Bryan]

And they don't even have them in this movie, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's not the reason. I think parents avoid those because. Yeah, listen, I'm not allowed. I want the kids to see the superhero pictures, but Mama says no. You know, they can't see all that violence and everything, but with the. I have to admit something to you, ace, and to everybody, and I'm gonna go public with this one. I've never seen any of the fast

[Bald Bryan]

and fast Leave now before I start throwing punches and kicks in the air. All right, look, this is a good

[Brian Bishop]

time to admit I haven't seen any since the first one.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Wow. Wow. Room spinning.

[Dave Dameshek]

I've seen all of them.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Thank you. Thank you. You're my anchor. Okay, so what you want to avoid. And when there's movies, they don't really have bad language and they don't have sex. They just have cars flipping over and people punching each other in the face. That. That's. That's it. The language and the sex part. At least you don't have to worry about that part. And then the car's flipping over again, more of a video game. So I said, listen, I'm taking. I'm taking Sonny. And I said, sonny, you up for this? See this movie with Daddy? And it's, you know, it's 123 minutes long, so it's a little bit. Little bit long. It's just a waste of my time. He saw. What movie did you see with your daughter over the weekend?

[Adam Carolla]

I took both kids to see Epic.

[Bald Bryan]

Epic. Yeah. So I said to my son, he saw Epic on Friday. I said, you ready to see another movie on Saturday? What'd you think of Epic? He said, a little bit scary. And I went, uh, oh, not a good sign. Not a good sign on the puss o meter. So I compromised and didn't see Fast and Furious 6. I saw behind the Candelabra, which is really.

[Brian Bishop]

You didn't see Fast and Furious 6?

[Bald Bryan]

No. What I would call lateral movement.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd Sonny enjoy that one?

[Dave Dameshek]

That would be more disturbing, I would think.

[Bald Bryan]

He loved the hell out of it. All right, so there's that birthday. Tell me what you got. Tell me. You guys are wired. I don't dread my birthday. But if you give me a choice between having my birthday and I've been the boss for 15 years, and I like it when my birthday falls on a Saturday or Sunday. So there's no cake in the lobby in interns pretending to like me kind of situation. But I'm just like. I just want business as usual. I'm not a weirdo. I'm just. It's like, I'd rather not be celebrated. That's my thing. But here's what I figured out. So I was having this Thing we were eating with the kids and the wife and everything on Sunday night and Monday's my birthday. And my wife said, you're looking forward to the birthday. And of course, that was a big mistake because it just means, here's what my birthday is. Caller id. My mom's calling. Should I pick up or not? Or just let her leave a message saying, happy birthday or do we gotta get into it? Or what do I do? I'm gonna get a few more of their phone calls and a couple emails.

[Dave Dameshek]

Looking forward to birthdays is like when you would get. When your parents would pick you up from school. I don't know if your parents did this, Adam, but the first question was always, how was your day? And then instantly, whether you had a good or bad day, you felt awful.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, here's where receiving birthday wishes

[Brian Bishop]

is getting into it.

[Adam Carolla]

For the record, my par still call and in unison sing Happy birthday to me.

[Bald Bryan]

That's why.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Bald Bryan]

You're who you are. All right, so now then, I had a little breakthrough. So my wife did the thing. We can't do anything without meeting, breaking down the game film. We tried watching the Real Housewives of Beverly hills. We get 10 seconds in and I start talk. I do 20 minutes on grit, you

[Dave Dameshek]

know, which one is that?

[Bald Bryan]

And so on. And so rest the blonde. So I said, she said, you look forward to the birthday? I said, nah, not really. She said, why? And I said, because it doesn't feel like anything to me. And then she said, why not? Why not? And I said, well, almost everyone you know was born. Almost 90 something percent of the people you hang out with were born. We all have a birthday. Saddam Hussein had birthdays and Hitler had birthdays. All the greats have had birthdays. Your worst enemy, the worst teacher you ever had, that guy from LAUSD who would beat off onto a cookie and, like, get his kids to eat it with a picture of a cockroach on it. He has a birthday, and when it

[Dave Dameshek]

was celebrated, you get him.

[Bald Bryan]

It's the frosting that counts. The guy who abducted the three people, women and gave them abortions by punching them in the stomach and raping them.

[Dave Dameshek]

Birthdays are like assholes.

[Bald Bryan]

Everyone has one and they all stink.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

So everyone has a birthday. Everyone was born good and bad, but we all just have a birthday and they come around every year. And I don't feel like you earned it. And so I start getting a stinger. Like, I want you. I want stuff you earn. I'm not interested in stuff you don't earn. And she's like, oh, please. Jesus Christ, Vince Lombardi. Give it a break. Although she didn't say Vince Lombardi. She said, weep Eubanks. Yeah, she went deep.

[Adam Carolla]

Confusing, too, because he won one but lost some. What are you getting at?

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Yeah. I didn't. Abe Gibran. She went, all right, no one knows what we're talking about.

[Dave Dameshek]

Who's this funny to?

[Bald Bryan]

All right? Nobody. People get it. People get it, okay? So she said, like, she started with the, oh, for the love of Christ, you know, can you fucking enjoy your birthday? And I just thought, the way I'm wired, it doesn't mean anything to me. Now, here's an interesting point. Then I backed off and I just thought, I got onto why this place didn't have coleslaw. And there should be a law that if you serve more than four varieties of sandwich, you must serve coleslaw. If you have six different burgers and five different sandwiches, you must have coleslaw.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd vote for that.

[Bald Bryan]

You cannot just be one of these places where you go, you have seven different kinds of fries. Oh, do you want the shoestring ones, or do you want the yam fries, the sweet potato fries, or the curly fries, or the serrated fries, or the jumbo fries or whatever, and you go have seven different fries. You go, can I have coleslaw? Oh, we don't have that. Uh, once you get past two fry varieties, you need coleslaw. Once you get past. Past five, six sandwiches.

[Brian Bishop]

Cold sandwiches, though, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, you need coleslaw. What people eat with the fuck. Anyway, she turned into an old Jew momentarily. So I decided to spare her my diatribe about just being born not being enough for me. And then I realized, maybe in a weird way, it's the ultimate lottery ticket. You're born. Maybe we should make. Maybe it is okay to celebrate. Here we are, we're living. We're on this planet.

[Dave Dameshek]

And I think what you're really celebrating is another year that you didn't die.

[Bald Bryan]

That's what it said on the cake, written in a black Sharpie.

[Dave Dameshek]

It's very minor accomplishment in some of our cases.

[Bald Bryan]

That's true, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone who likes to reflect, though. Yeah, someone who likes to reflect on life. You say, listen, 10 years ago. Who would have thought, you know, 15 years ago.

[Dave Dameshek]

But that leads to depression.

[Bald Bryan]

No, not for him.

[Adam Carolla]

It shouldn't.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, that's true.

[Bald Bryan]

It's just the way I'm wired. But now, here's the second word. I'm wired. And this is very interesting. The gift that Lynette got me. Gary will throw up on the screen. And you can go to AdamKroll.com and look at it. She took a picture from the newspaper or whatever of me shooting a bottle of champagne over my head and put it on fabric and made it like a frame.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, that's neat.

[Bald Bryan]

And it's really cool. It's like one of those cool fabric. Whatever. There's that, that. There's a service that does that. And it's nice. I don't know, it's 20 inches wide and 22 inches tall or whatever it is. And she gave me. No, now here's a picture of me looking like the biggest jack off in the world. And I love it. And I realize, well, wait a minute. Why does this guy who does not want to celebrate his birthday, why is he in love with this picture of himself? It's just one or the other. I should hate myself or I should love myself. And then I realize, oh no, that I earned birthday. That was just my dad not pulling out.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotcha. It's funny because when you said that I don't like my co workers or the subordinates pretending to like me, I think that obviously is self deprecating.

[Dave Dameshek]

He didn't actually say that.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember at the man show one year, because people may have heard that you prefer pie to cake. It may have come up once or twice on this podcast. Not out loud, but yes, one time instead of cake, there were 25 pies from. From the best pie house in LA.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And of all manner and everything. And I remember that same. I don't like birthday celebrations either. Like, yay, we got you your favorite. And then you have to be excited. I think it's that you don't like that fading excitement.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, thanks everybody. I think that's what you don't like,

[Dave Dameshek]

having to hang out with people he works with.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Yeah. So I'll tell you the one thing that got me a little bit. You know, I get the calls from the usual suspects and then there's always a few surprise people and a couple of emails and that kind of stuff. And it all feels good. And it's a holiday and people are out doing their own thing and you know, I don't keep a tally on. Heh. Hey, how come Dan call me? Because I didn't wish Damascek a happy birthday on his birthday and that kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

It's still coming up in a couple of days.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Matt, don't mark that on the calendar. So the one guy, Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel's. He is on top of this stuff. And I was like. It was weird because I felt like a schoolgirl. Like every couple of hours I'd go back and check the email. It's gotta be an email. It's gotta pop up any second.

[Brian Bishop]

Twirling your finger around the phone cord.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Mm, no. Just taking the phone off the hook when I went in the shower. The global gaming league is presented by atlas Earth, the fun cashback app. Hey, it's Howie. Howie Mandel. And I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do it gaming team take on gilly the king and wallow. 2, 6, $7 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com in partnership with level up expo. The global gaming league is presented by atlas Earth, the fun cashback app. Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to w witness history as me and my Howie do it gaming team take on gilly the king and wallow. $267 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com in partnership with level up expo.

[Dave Dameshek]

So I making sure the phone works.

[Bald Bryan]

Nothing. Yeah. And then today, of course the phone call met with the we're going out for barbecue. Met with the only the kind of gift that Jimmy Kimmel gives, which is Jimmy puts a ton of thought. You know, for me, I just get everyone beer of the month club or nut of the month club and they're happy. Everyone seems to be happy about it. You get a few new 12 packs every month or whatever it is. Oh, not Jimmy. Jimmy went to this boutique hotel which I stayed at in Portland. I guess there's a few of them now called the ace hotel. Got the ace towels, got the ace toiletry bag. Got the whole box. Comes up the driveway with the stuff. That's all says ace on it. Of course. Nickname and hands. And I thought, who else? Who else but Jimmy? I went from like this guy to little confused. Like, did Jimmy screw up and not remember? Is he pissed off about something like what's going on to. Ah, yeah, that's Jimmy. And then we just went out, had ourselves. Went to Montrose, California, drove out.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is that?

[Bald Bryan]

That is a little enclave that's right around La Crescenta and La Canada, where I met Jimmy. Back in the day, I was living in La Crescenta and we just had ourselves a romantic barbecue. It was delectable and it was nice. Yeah, that Kimmel gives.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not just. It's not a matter of having a ton of loot. He's. His gifts are always really thoughtful. He's a great gift giver. But did he really buy Jeff Ross? Did I misunderstand what I saw online? Or did he actually buy Jeff Ross for $1.9 million? That topless Bea Arthur painting.

[Bald Bryan]

People were tweeting me that because it was on Drudge or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

And Jeff Ross photograph of him, Ross holding the photograph saying, jimmy Kimmel, most generous guy ever. Did he really spend $1.9 million on a BR nudie shot? That's crazy.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, first, I know he didn't. Well, no, I don't know anything because even though I was thinking about it all, it's the weird wiring. I was looking at it all weekend going, what is this? Did he really spend that? Then smash cut through. Two days later, we're sitting at lunch and it doesn't come up. That's how I was complaining about something. I'm sure have time. I suspect that. Although I'm sure he could afford it, I don't know why he would do it and give it to Jeff. That. The giving it to Jeff part. Jimmy could have bought it. He could have given it to Jeff to take a picture, but I don't think he would have.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's his famous joke. Of course, Ross is probably most famous joke, but still.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, if he bought it for me, take those fucking Ace towels, shove it up his ass, because that couldn't have set him back more than 450 bucks. Max. Max. Yeah, it's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Wonder what happened there.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, well, you know what? Now I'm gonna ask him. I will get us an answer. I will get an answer to that. All right, let's see. Bald Brian over there has got reading. No seems to be. No seems to be the answer now. All right, can I ask you guys one thing? Tell me if you're like me, and I hope you're not. People give me. People give me CDs of their crappy bands that I've never heard of that they put together on their. On their Mac laptop. From their mom's apartment. And then because it's something, I can't throw it away. Like, I can't hand it back to them. I can't go, oh, no, take that. I can't just leave it on the table and put my beer down on it. Because if they find it later, they'll be, I just don't want to do that. So I must receive it. And then once I receive it, because I remember the time when my dad used to go to the North Hollywood Library and rent records. I mean, not rent, but check out records. Like, literally check out vinyl and how he was too cheap to purchase a vinyl. And I remember when I used to. I was so poor and CDs were, you know, they were 14, 18 bucks and I was making seven bucks and eight bucks an hour. And all I would do is about once a month I'd buy the Best of. Like, I couldn't get into everyone's deep cuts. Be Best of Steely Dan, Best of Chicago, Best of Whoever. And that was all my first 20 CDs were just the Best of. And I also remember the times when I would gather them up and take them back to the record store and the guy'd go, that's 59 cents. That's 89. 89 cents, 59. These were 14.99. I thought. I didn't expect 80 cents on the dollar, but how about 4 or 5 bucks toward the next Divinyls over here? And it'd be like, now 50. So now someone gives me a CD, I don't know what to do with it. So what it does is it floats around my car. I'm not gonna listen to it, but I can't Chuck.

[Dave Dameshek]

It feels weird.

[Bald Bryan]

So then I have to bring it in and try to pass it off to somebody who may be into this imaginary band that no one's ever heard of.

[Dave Dameshek]

It's like pennies. You're just passing on the burden to someone else. Just throw it out.

[Bald Bryan]

And I'm trying to hand it to a generation of 26 year olds who don't give a shit about CDs because

[Dave Dameshek]

they don't even have a way to

[Bald Bryan]

play them when they were free. When they grew up, they had a mobile man.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can't, Allison, just discard them, because when that person comes calling, if these people are presumably chums of yours. Hey, what'd you think of the cd?

[Bald Bryan]

You'll never, probably never get, Never get to that point, because I just hand them to you. All right, Bald Brian? Yeah, you did yourself a little hangover.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I saw the Hangover Part 3.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I want to do that. I want to hear about. I want to hear about you very long. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he sees up on the big screen or in his Netflix Q. Before you spend bucks, remember his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers to Hooray for Baldy War. So far, GI Joe is the leader

[Brian Bishop]

in your clubhouse for the summer. Yeah. Looking back, Paint a Game was kind of fun. And Oblivion actually may have been the best. And Oblivion was okay. I thought I'd give you like a bit.

[Dave Dameshek]

Your unreserved enthusiasm is overwhelming.

[Brian Bishop]

I got some exciting movies next week after from the Mind and the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan. After Earth.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, after Earth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that Shyamalan. Well, then you know it's a stinker.

[Bald Bryan]

You know how.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I've always said Entourage, you know that the, that some of the stuff that they. Some of their conceits are phony. The guy, the main guy, I haven't seen that show in so long. Can't remember the guy's name anymore. But the star, Vinnie.

[Brian Bishop]

Vinny Chase.

[Adam Carolla]

Vinnie Chase is. His career is over. His Hollywood career is over because he makes one bad movie. M. Night Shyamalan proves that that is absolutely untrue. How many pictures, Zach, I made in a row that are all stinkers? You One good one.

[Bald Bryan]

They were from the ass of M. Night. This one he did. The first three were from the mind of then. Then he made seven from the ass of paint region and now he's gone back to mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have read the fine.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't see his name thrown around anymore. And like more harm than good at this point. But here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

That's next week. This is the Hangover Part 3 in theaters now. Written and directed by co written directed by Todd Phillips. Little hit and miss as a director. For every old school there's a due date for every Hangover. The Hangover Part 2. So some great comedies. I think we all agree that Old School was great and Hangover was great. But some misses. This is squarely in the miss category. Just a disastrous, awful, awful, unfunny movie. Just terrible. Most the original cast is back. Plus John Goodman who by the way had a really, really good year last year. He was in Argo, he was in Flight, he was in Paranormal. Three Oscar nominated films for John Goodman

[Bald Bryan]

and that guy does not slow down for his size. He was in five movies total. Just the sheer mass alone would cause him to slow down.

[Brian Bishop]

Simple inertia would keep going.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the laws of gravity and science which suggest that he would slow down with just the halves on that. Man, it's sort of sad when they take a movie that has. I mean, in a way it's sort of like Namath going to the Rams or OJ going to the 49ers. Just better to go out without it being kind of sad. Like I know there was one more chance or two more chances to turn, turn a buck on something, but the first one was so well received. We all have such great memories of it. And now we kind of look back on the franchise, at least as a

[Brian Bishop]

whole, as a dud of Rotten Tomatoes. And I wonder at what point does do franchises start? The original good movies start to suffer because the franchise is bad. But I think, I think we all look back in the Hangover as a good movie.

[Bald Bryan]

But let me, let me ask this comes on cable, is it us or is it them? What I'm saying is when there's a concept that comes out, the concept introduces you to all these characters and you go, oh man, that's cool. I love that character. Then you have this premise that you may like and whether it's a shark or Zach Galifianakis or an alien, you have not seen it before. So you know, the first Predator was a fun movie to watch because it was like you were going, alright, this thing I did not know about. And the first Alien was fun to watch. And there's such a thing as a good sequel. But when it comes to just doing a comedy, I wonder, like Caddyshack 2 and stuff where they just take the same people and you already know them and you kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a funny subsection. People always make fun of sequels and certainly the third in a trilogy is usually the worst of that. I mean, obviously there are exceptions that prove the rule, but comedy? So are there ever good sequels in comedies? Not Beverly Hills.

[Dave Dameshek]

European Vacation.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that was the worst of all. Terrible film. Christmas Vacation though.

[Dave Dameshek]

Am I the only one who liked that one? Did everyone think it was a steaming pile of turds? Maybe I was too young when I saw it.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't want to be. I didn't think about it enough.

[Brian Bishop]

But to your point though, this movie is kind of like a spin off TV show because it's all about the Ken Jeong character.

[Bald Bryan]

Uh huh.

[Brian Bishop]

What the fuck, I don't care anymore. It's all about his character. And his character in the first movie was like, you know, human or paprika. Yeah, exactly. A little bit goes a long way. This one is just heaps of it. Just throw it in the pot and the whole dish suffers.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, Yeah. I just. I wonder almost if it's almost Leslie Chow, if it's impossible to do. Not impossible, but extremely difficult to follow up on a comedy. Like, I was trying to watch the second Hangover, you try to watch it in a bubble, but you. You cannot. Although it'd be funny if you fart in that bubble. And I don't know if it would expand or make a boom noise like the bass drum and bounce around and never get out. There should be a little fart happening. But what about.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the. Here's the counter to that.

[Bald Bryan]

Would you like it if you just fart? You saw the Hangover 2, right? Which everyone said was no good, but if you just saw it.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a good point.

[Bald Bryan]

You just went and saw this movie and go, this is a movie called the Hangover. It's not called the Hangover 2. It's just called the Hangover. And you watched it, I think you'd go, it's pretty crazy out there. Rollicking comedy. Had some pretty good scenes.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not as much a bad movie, Hangover 2, as it was just the same jokes in a different setting.

[Dave Dameshek]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

So 80% is good, but minus.

[Adam Carolla]

You know. But what about. Here's. Here's the answer. Here's the counter to that, though, is what about sitcoms? If Cheers is funny in season eight, you didn't get tired of that premise.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I don't have all the answers. I just wonder how much of this thing, whether it's Indiana Jones or it's a shark or it's an alien, how much of it is carried by the newness of just going, you know, like a relationship. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Bald Bryan]

First date. Jesus, man, is she hot. Then year number 14 of the loveless marriage. You see what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

A long time.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, love only became loveless about year nine. Oh, no. But you know what I'm saying is you become like a relationship. You see somebody from across the bar and they're twice as good looking, ten times as mysterious. At a certain point, you walk into the bathroom after they shit it up, and you're like, this is a human being. And the blooms off the rose. Now it's a different relationship you're having with this alien or the shark. Now one where you have sex with The TV on. But it's. It's. You know, it's. It's too. It's. We know all these characters, everything. It was fun. Like the first Indiana Jones. Who is this guy with this whip? This is awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, careful with what you say. These are very.

[Bald Bryan]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Precious pictures that you're about to apparently assault.

[Dave Dameshek]

You want.

[Bald Bryan]

It felt great to be introduced to all you're trying to recreate.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a parody, right?

[Dave Dameshek]

You're trying. There's an experience you had the first time you saw a comedy that you really enjoyed, and you want to feel that again. And it's very hard to. You might create a funny movie or something interesting, but it's hard to recreate a same experience.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. So if they made a Animal House 2, right.

[Brian Bishop]

They may have.

[Bald Bryan]

I would say, probably did in like 97. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

The next Generation.

[Bald Bryan]

Would it be any good or would we like it? Would it ever work if you got all the people together and all? No. Being introduced to Bluto and Flounder and all those guys and, you know, Pledge Pin and all that kind of stuff. Just all that Dean. The Dean and everything. Just Dean Wormer. Just the whole thing. You already know him now. Now we have to start. We already know everybody. And there's not that. No place to go.

[Adam Carolla]

It's one of the more fascinating things, the repetition. It's like shooting three pointers. You can do it forever. You can't make 100% of them. Comedy ace. I hate to be. I hate when. There's nothing worse than when people analyze what's funny. But Adam Carolla, Norm MacDonald, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Martin, they all have done things that didn't work.

[Bald Bryan]

That's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

How is that possible? You think, well, they're funny, so just shoot a camera. Put a point of camera. That's done and done. And yet it remains this nuanced thing no one thinks can crack with any regularity or with any, you know, hundred percent.

[Bald Bryan]

At least two of those four people are filthy rich. One of them is crazy and doesn't care. And then there's me. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to sit down and think that. Think about.

[Bald Bryan]

Think about that.

[Brian Bishop]

In the theater I was in, a third of the audience walked out halfway through.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Bishop]

There are three people in the audience. One guy walked out.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Knocked out halfway through.

[Adam Carolla]

Not as good.

[Brian Bishop]

Not quite as good. No. But still. That's true. But here's what I do. I was driving back from Palm Springs today, squeezed in a movie just so I could talk about it on Today's show. Terrible movie at that.

[Bald Bryan]

So committed to a scrap. Let's bring it home. Squeezed in a movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Terrible next week, just so we can talk about it.

[Bald Bryan]

I know it was tough. Listen, on his way back and forth. Oh, you know, if you have kids one day and they start complaining one day when we were driving the diesel Jetta back from the Springers.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. That's right.

[Bald Bryan]

Daddy's squozed. Squeezed in a movie. Squeezed in a movie. Under 25% of Rotten Tomatoes, by the way, just so we could talk about on a pod, an air conditioned podcast. Do you understand? So don't give me crap about walking.

[Brian Bishop]

How many of those words would make sense to my kids 10 years from now? Movie next week after Earth.

[Bald Bryan]

All right. Hooray for bounty war. Let me pay a compliment to the blacks. I was looking. It's rare. So sit down. Sit up. I was looking at the After Earth billboard. I was driving around. I love when they do that thing where they go, this is Earth a thousand years from now and all that good stuff. But I was looking at the billboard and I was looking at Jaden Smith, who I just assume I will hate one day. I just assume I'll hate, right? And then I was taking a look at Will Smith and I know these are just pictures from whatever. And I really. Will smith looks about 15 years older than his son. I mean, what is Will Smith, 44, 45? I don't know, 43? We'll have to find out. What.

[Adam Carolla]

Bet he's even older than that.

[Bald Bryan]

I was looking at this picture. You talk about black not cracking. He's 44. I was just looking at this picture. It wasn't this picture. It was one where they had his face all the way to the right and Jaden's face all the way to the left. And they both. Just. Half their faces were on the billboard. And it was just because it was a billboard. Listen, I'm sure it's been airbrushed and whatever, but Will Smith looked.

[Dave Dameshek]

He looks like a teenager almost.

[Bald Bryan]

He looked like a little bit older than his teenage son.

[Brian Bishop]

Fresh Prince.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Unbelievable. All right, man. Great, baby. Oh, Father's Day. That's another thing I did this weekend. I got my birthday and Memorial Day mixed up with Father's Day. Told my daughter she had to be nice to me because tomorrow's Father's Day and she had to correct me. I got to start following that calendar thing, man. Father's Day, baby. Man, Great. Perfect gift for dad. Get Will Smith that he can afford it. I'm sure he could afford three of them, maybe more. But can you afford not to have one? I don't think so.

[Brian Bishop]

He's probably doing a lot of grilling. If there's restaurants left on earth, he's got a lot of wild game.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. You got a grill to survive. 100% made in America. 100% cast iron, 100% steakhouse quality grilling in your own backyard. Or as I always say, if you're insane, someone else's yard. Someone you don't know named best grilling accessory by Men's Health magazine. No more flare ups, no more dry meat, guaranteed. Plus, the chicken and the veggies are going to taste great. $19.99 Father's Day special. Go to mangrate.com, enter the code astute and click on the man grate [e-mail] just for my listeners. You get the custom heavy duty grilling brush. Mangrate, baby. All right, Dave Dameshek, we got a little sports for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I believe we do. Hit it bald. It's time for Dave Dameshek's number one sports.

[Bald Bryan]

Number one sports. Do it, Dave.

[Adam Carolla]

As we've been discussing, NBA playoffs and Stanley cup playoffs are underway. To update you on the scores this evening would be outdated by when you're listening to this tomorrow, so I won't bother with that. I will tell you in the Stanley cup playoffs in the Wales Conference finals. I don't acknowledge the current Eastern Conference. That's hokum. It's the Whales conference in the finals. My Pittsburgh Penguins against sporty Simmons is Boston Bruins.

[Bald Bryan]

We're gonna take you out. Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna whip your team with a real deal in black and gold and so on. I. I'm anxious for this. What should we bet, Ace?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, don't bet. The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up. March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment. You, you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about. Get real time. Scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Adam Carolla]

$12,000.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, that's. That's the whole thing. Like that thing where the two mares do the. Well, you can get the pippin apples and then we'll send over one of our hams that we're known for. First off, there's no skin in the game when you're sending over a local pie and then you're sending over, I want some fisting, some dry fisting or sex with the other one's wife or something. You know what I mean?

[Dave Dameshek]

Cutting off a thumb.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be interesting consequence.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Because all they do is they take

[Dave Dameshek]

A local, whoever, 8 tons of fro yo. Our finest fro yo.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And then it's whatever you're known for with New York, it's always bagels and something else. And then it's lobster if you're, you know, on that coast. And I'll send you some New England clam chowder. You send me a primis fries, coleslaw that the ace man loves, and I'll

[Adam Carolla]

split it with him.

[Bald Bryan]

And we're watching the movie for the fourth time, and they never get to the first off. Why is this news?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Why.

[Bald Bryan]

Why they. Why is this news? And then you never see the payoff. What I want is like a serious. I get to take a wiffle ball bat and hit you as hard as I want in your belly.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta pull two mayors, dude.

[Bald Bryan]

You have to hold. Yeah. Hold your shirt up with your teeth. You hold your shirt up with your teeth, and I get to just whack you as hard as I can.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah. One shot at the end of that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And on air, on air, Mayor Brenda Walters took to receive what she had coming to her.

[Bald Bryan]

No. But first off, it's unclear whether the apples ever even arrive. They don't ever. They don't cover that part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You wonder, does anybody there. Some cheap, cheapskate mare just be like, they don't really expect this and just. It goes on.

[Bald Bryan]

And if you did get whatever the, you know, Philly cheesesteak, it probably come with a snot rocket in it. Yeah. You know, especially if it's a bad call that costs you, you know, the Stanley cup or whatever it was. But either way. All right, so it'll be your Bruins, Penguins.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll see if it's the Kings or the Blackhawks or the Red Wings that. That they'll meet in the finals. I feel. I feel surprisingly confident. I don't usually. I feel very pessimistic about my team. I feel like the Penguins matchup is good.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me ask this about. What about the Bruins is a Bruin every bear?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. I don't know. Is it a straight synonym for bear? I don't think so. I Assume a bruin is a type of bear.

[Bald Bryan]

But now here's the thing. It's not a type of bear because it's a lot of different bears. Just a brown bear. Just garden variety bear. Right? Because it's not. Here's the thing. You wouldn't call a polar bear a bruin. It's just a bruin. It's just a brown bear.

[Dave Dameshek]

In the olden times, maybe it was.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a type of brown bear.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's interesting.

[Bald Bryan]

It's from the Dutch bruin, meaning brown. Oh, bruin. Like bruin. Okay, brown. It's a brown bear.

[Adam Carolla]

It does remind me, though, Ace, something that apparently went over based on the Twitter response that I received over the last several days. People enjoyed when I listed my favorite NHL hockey player names on the podcast last week. So listen. And a lot of people felt that there were some egregious omissions. So I'll try to rectify that. I'll see. Let's see if some of these. We'll start with those Boston Bruins. Just to show I'm not going to turn my nose up at one of the original six.

[Bald Bryan]

Speaking of rectify, we'll do the behind the candelabra review after this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. How about this original six team Boston Bruins. Here's one of the great names in the NHL today.

[Bald Bryan]

Milan Lucic L. Cheech. Lucy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love it.

[Bald Bryan]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's also. There's Radic Bonk. Yeah, There's Hawk and Lube.

[Dave Dameshek]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Hawk and Lube.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Ruslan Fedatenko.

[Bald Bryan]

Hold on. Hawk and Lube. Might. Might be a morning team out of the Fresno area. Hey, I'm Hawk. That's Lube over there Hawking Lube in the morning. 7 hours, 23 minutes and 23 seconds after the hour. That is 37 away from the top there. Of course, we got news. Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, news, weather, sports. Coming up, traffic. Look out, we got the mattress and lanes. Let's go up to Chet Wheeler and he's driving the Stater Brothers just. There's a JetCopter 5. Chet, what do you got up there, Chet? Oh, Chet.

[Adam Carolla]

Hawk and Lube.

[Bald Bryan]

Chet, what's going on in those lanes out there? Is it slow and go on the 405?

[Adam Carolla]

Hock and lube.

[Bald Bryan]

Whoa. This just coming in. Hawaiian gardens, checking in. 72 degrees Redlands, 72 degrees Duarte, 72 degrees Commerce, 72 degrees Irvine, 72 degrees Santa Ana. 72 degrees Santa Rosa, 72 degrees Thousand Oaks. 72 degrees. Canoga Park, 72. Diamond Bar, checking in. 72. I like the fact that they checking in. I think they're checking in. Should we call Hawk and Lube and tell them how hot it is outside?

[Adam Carolla]

They must have pointed the Ambassador to phone the.

[Bald Bryan]

This just in. Flint Ridge in LA Canada area where Kimmel Carolla ate some lovely brisket today. Checking in. 72 degrees. Diamond Bar, 72 degrees. Compton, 72 degrees. Glendale, 71. No, check that, 72 degrees. Check it in. We got mattress and lanes. We got traffic, weather, sports, weather, traffic, surf report. Traffic, weather, news and traffic coming in the top quarter and 8th, 16th, 32nd, the 64th of the hour. All right, now it's back to sports with Hawk and Lube and Dave. Dave Damsham. Hold on a second. Get down and kick Sludge in the nuts. He's down at the Duarte Ikea. Go down there. He's with the party patrols giving out the beer koozies. Go out there and find that big turd and just kick him in the nut. He's so fat. He's such a fat slob. Oh, he's so fat. Oh, is he fat. He's so stupid and fat. Sludge is out there. He's so fat. I think he's retarded. He's fat. He's dumb and fat. So just kick him in the nuts, because that's what a fat, dumb guy needs. He could go down there, we'll have the Sludge and Loubettes. No, wait a minute, Lube. I can't forget the name of the morning show. Hawk and Lubettes will be down there. They'll be wearing the two piecers they're standing next to. Sledge, kick that big fat guy in the nuts for me, would you? Go ahead and kick away. Get yourself beer, cousin. News, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, weather, news checking in. Top of the hour. All right, now back to Sports with Dave Damaschek. Dave.

[Adam Carolla]

Poor Tad. Now, listen, here's something else that's going on, so we'll, you know, we'll continue with that. Naming hockey players. You know, as much as Ace wants to hear about it and you out there, tweet me about it if you like it, because I'll give you another one. Here's a pair of brothers. Saku Koivu, Miko Koivu.

[Bald Bryan]

I like when you say. I like when you say Ricky. Tikki Tavi.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's one of the scariest things you talk about. Scared as a child and you look back as an Adult. I'm now humiliated. But when I was a kid, boy, that one. Remember Ricky? Tikki Tavu? He was. He was a little weasel guy. What was he? He was a. He wasn't a weasel. Yeah. He was a mongoose.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the code.

[Dave Dameshek]

What was his name?

[Adam Carolla]

Rikki Tikki Tavu. He would protect the family, protected the little boy. And those cobras would come to get him. Who has cobras roaming around their yard like that?

[Dave Dameshek]

Not when you have a mongoose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not yet.

[Bald Bryan]

And the mongoose cobras are always speaking a real creepy tone.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna bite the little boy and kill him. And Rikki Tikki Tavu would swoop in capeless.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me say this. If I were mongoose and I was like at the mongoose convention and like, what shall we eat? I'd be like, I don't know, Brisket, chicken. Thinking cobras. I'd be like, maybe we shouldn't go after the most venomous snake on the planet. Why don't we just take like garden snakes or just, you know, basic, basic snake, you know, non venomous.

[Brian Bishop]

We can avoid snakes altogether. Throwing it out there.

[Bald Bryan]

Jet's making a hell of a point right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Just for example.

[Bald Bryan]

We can eat frogs, we can eat birds. That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of amphibious animals out there.

[Bald Bryan]

Listen to Chad, because I think he's onto something. We don't have to eat snakes at all, much less the scariest one on the planet. Who decided that? These scariest. It'd just be like saying, you know, all I want to do is eat great white shark. And I'd say, how about some sea bass? No, we want great white shark. Yeah. But white monkey with something that could kill a horse.

[Dave Dameshek]

We've pretty much signed off on it.

[Bald Bryan]

There's so many. They got all the vegetables in the garden over there. They got the big fat mice running around in there. We could eat those.

[Brian Bishop]

A mongoose proposes they go vegetarian.

[Bald Bryan]

Why not? Just not enough to eat meat. No, no, But I'm saying like a master cleanse. Give it like 10 days.

[Brian Bishop]

Pepper and lemon juice.

[Bald Bryan]

My sister did that.

[Brian Bishop]

Lost like 8 ounces.

[Bald Bryan]

Do you know how toxic. You know a cobra, they're filled with toxins. They shoot toxins. They literally have poison in their body. Of course you're gonna feel a little sluggish. Raise a paw. Who feels a little tired about 2 in the afternoon. You feel like taking a nap. That's all the cobra poison in your body.

[Adam Carolla]

If maybe four or five of us went out as a Group, I bet you we could take down one of those sheep. I've never seen that thing. Tons of meat.

[Bald Bryan]

Lots of meat. That's right. Yeah. They don't have fangs. They don't shoot poison out of their fangs. Let's get off this whole cobra thing.

[Adam Carolla]

This is one of your keeners.

[Bald Bryan]

Let's move forward.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you need to call a meeting among the Mongoose community

[Dave Dameshek]

for cobra. Is it like they've had a taste of cobra?

[Bald Bryan]

I think. I think it's the guys who want to try to scrap with Mike Tyson at a local bar.

[Dave Dameshek]

Like, you go, like, mongoose are all on Red Bull.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, my thing is drunken Mongoose. Let's find the guy in the wheelchair with the skinniest arms and fuck with him, not find the champ. You know what I mean? But they're guys who go, I'm gonna give the cha. I'm gonna. I'm gonna try the champ.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a weird thing, though. It's not just the cobra thing. There's something about the food thing of eating those exotic meats.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, like fugu, the blowfish that might kill you.

[Adam Carolla]

Animal. The hot new restaurant in la. Camel Hump. Oh, we gotta try that.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wait, what if Ricky Hump is the best part?

[Bald Bryan]

What if Ricky Tikki Taboo. Eat. Ate who? What food? Fubu.

[Dave Dameshek]

Fugu.

[Bald Bryan]

Fugu. This one's a black clothing line.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Rikki Tikki Tavu, and my favorite meal is. What is it called?

[Dave Dameshek]

Fugu.

[Adam Carolla]

Fugu. With a dessert called Delicious Roku Tiramisu. Ooh la la. Ooh, you have tiramisu.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, shall we do the creep of the week?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. But I do want to say something very quickly, ace, because this is something that you enjoy football, especially the Rams, and you enjoy cars. So I wanted to get your reaction to this fairly big story in Calabasas today. Eric Dickerson, of course, the LA Rams. Great running back, tweets out, I live in Calabasas, and Justin Bieber needs to slow his ass down.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I heard that he was. Well, here's a couple things.

[Adam Carolla]

And that way. And then Keyshawn Johnson also passes him, and he goes to Justin Bieber's house and says, you have to slow down. So Keyshawn Johnson and Eric Dickerson are yelling at Justin Bieber. Funny. Anyway.

[Bald Bryan]

Is he Canadian?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

He has to be confused by all the black rich people. Should be. I thought the triple gated community was all right. Anyway, so I like two things. As someone who likes fast cars, I understand. You want to just open them up all the time. You just want to do that punch. You just want to punch it. Especially when you're fucking 16. What does he have half a pew?

[Dave Dameshek]

He's 19.

[Bald Bryan]

So you just want to couple things. Remember when you had the 15 minutes of fame? Remember the 15 minutes of fame? Like we would be talking about the Kardashians and go, hey, enjoy it while it lasts. Well, no, she just made $61 million last year.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, you remember when 15 minutes of fame actually existed as a thing, as opposed to now where you're just famous forever.

[Bald Bryan]

Every single boy band, every, you know, Britney Spears, they would all just be passing through and we could all have that moment where, okay, they're annoying now, but we can enjoy watching them doing porn four years from now. Or on one of Dr. Drew's many shows or something. Something, something. These people are now hanging around. Yeah, I mean, like these Kardashians. We should have cycled through the Kardashian thing. That should have taken nine months.

[Adam Carolla]

We did that with Kaja Goo Goo.

[Bald Bryan]

I just did that. One of the greatest goaltenders ever, playing the mountain lake now. Yes, Hush, hush. Now these people are hanging around and I don't know, maybe they have talent, but even now, I just wonder. So I'm with the. He's a kid, he wants to open his car up. But I'm also with the. Your parent. You're walking your dog and your kids down the sidewalk, and this guy winds up a Ferrari Italiana or whatever it is, Italia458, and just opens it up. So I get that part. It is one of these things where you have officially become old when you're yelling slow down to rich people in your neighborhood. But I understand and I get it. And I like that he hid himself in the house. And Dickerson of Pony Express fame is one of these guys who got, I think, a Trans Am in high school. So.

[Adam Carolla]

So I hope that's a funny irony I didn't think of.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, when he was basically. When SMU was basically paying him to come to their college, they sent over like a gold Trans Am, you know, low profile kind of move for him and his mom. It was like in his grandmom's name or something like that. And if Biebs is smart, he'll fire back with some reference to the Pony Express and him getting a free, free car out of high school. I don't think he probably goes back that far.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure he also is up to speed on his football because and he could crack back like, well, if you were as fast as Darrell Green, you could have caught up for me. But from behind. But of course, that's a nerdy football reference that only I really.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, there is. And Darrell, look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

No white flag there. I mean, no red flag there for anybody. Yeah, he's just an 18 year old kid driving around a golden TA around the campus of SMU.

[Bald Bryan]

You know, he lived on a huge house up on the hill. That house was worth more than the car. He was living in it. I mean, the house that he was living in at the time. So there should have been a little red flag. It was a good. The 80s were a simpler time. Late 70s, early 80s. Just a. Just a simpler time. As I always say. The best time, which is pre aids, mid Coke, nobody. People are too busy fucking and getting high to ask questions. Threading the needle.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get to it quickly here, Bald Brian. Let's get to. Oh, I'm sorry, Alison, I interrupted you and I could tell you were upset, but I didn't mean to interrupt you.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, I was just saying. What Adam was saying is getting me excited for his behind the Candelabra review. But I want to hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it.

[Dave Dameshek]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll do it then.

[Dave Dameshek]

I want to hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

Hit it, bald. Crepe creep. Creep of the week. Of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. Well, I had one in mind. But I have to take a quick detour now. Allison Rosen. I don't know why. I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

What? What?

[Adam Carolla]

What's with the stink guy? I'm trying to get through this. I have a couple of minutes each week and all I get from you is I can't wait to hear you talk some more. Adam.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

You know I don't like that. Taste the blaster. See how you like this.

[Brian Bishop]

Jerk.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a nice. I just winged you.

[Dave Dameshek]

Can I peel this?

[Adam Carolla]

I know you may not, and I

[Bald Bryan]

would have to live with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Then drop it.

[Bald Bryan]

All right? The Good Doctor is waiting to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just get to it quickly. Then I was. These commercials. I didn't realize. And it's funny because the Good Doctor, who we see in every airline magazine for his remarkable physical transformation. He dropped all that weight. He's now muscle bound. This is one of those things. And then when you flip through the magazine more, it's filled with dating websites, ways to go on dates. Always all these things. Everybody's looking for someone else. And match.com is successful. And then they break it out into subsections. J date. I think there's something called Find Black Singles, which I find a little offensive. I feel like that's not an appropriate name. But the worst of them all. Christianmingle.com.

[Bald Bryan]

mm.

[Adam Carolla]

It says, find God's match for you. Find God's match for you. So God is getting involved here. He's. He is actually setting you up. Jesus is getting involved in who you go out with. And it occurs to me, if you are a devout enough person that you're going for the [e-mail] you can't really say no. But I assume they don't have 100% success rate. I assume everybody who goes to ChristianMingle.com doesn't marry the person that they first get set up with. Right. And this seems like you lack some faith, and I think that's bad behavior.

[Bald Bryan]

You can't say no. You don't. God's supposed to be doing the matchmaking. Why do you have to go online if God is finding the match for you?

[Dave Dameshek]

God can bring you to the keyboard.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Number two. Yeah, it's very funny because I'm sure there's a lot of people that see people's headshots and they look fantastic and they're 12 years old, and then they arrange a date, and then they notice they have a fat ass, and then they're like, you know what? I talked to God in the bathroom. He said, nah. Said to keep moving.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's exactly right. What is the premise of a website in which Jesus has played matchmaker? You're kind of put in a real tough pickle if you're not into the girl. Baldbrian. Let's do a reenactment. Play it up, ace. You be Jesus Christ. I will be a dissatisfied customer. I am going to be a dissatisfied customer. Blowing in a call to you to render my. Not complain.

[Bald Bryan]

Always let it ring three times because I don't want him to think I'm desperate, you know, you don't want. God doesn't pick up the phone. Hello? Who's this? God.

[Adam Carolla]

He's busy after all, right?

[Bald Bryan]

No caller id. So I do the thing, you know. Hello? I don't commit. Hello?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, calling for Jesus.

[Bald Bryan]

Who's calling?

[Adam Carolla]

Name's Gail. You probably recognize the name. You set me up on a blind date a couple days ago.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Girl named Chastity.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Oh, TGI Fridays with the coupon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured you'd be up to speed.

[Bald Bryan]

Nice, nice. My son should have Rested on the day you were born.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's one of those things. Like they say, that's a subjective sort of thing. And that's kind of the reason for my call. I'm a big fan of your work, I think.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but the half off the entrees before 5pm on the first date with the coupon. I'm omnipotent, you know, I'm aware that

[Adam Carolla]

you may have some notes for me and I'm interested in your inputs but. In your input. But. But really the issue is, you know, I just don't. No offense Jesus, but she wasn't for me. I just don't think it's a match. I just wanted to. I thought that. I've put all my faith in you. Obviously I've given my life over to you.

[Bald Bryan]

Hold on a second. I'm right in the middle of trying to get Dane Cook his career back. I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean I really am looking for love, so.

[Bald Bryan]

You're what?

[Adam Carolla]

I really am. No, no, no. I just wanted the sort of. I don't want to complain, I don't want to sound that way, but ungrateful. I just wanted to let you know that maybe we could try again because I really wasn't in to Chastity. Yeah, I just. Was.

[Bald Bryan]

Was that her name? Is that the Bono kid?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it. No, it was not because I didn't boy that guy believe me, Jesus, you know, and I would never be that sort of guy.

[Bald Bryan]

We had to have a team meeting on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I think the one you're talking about has a wang.

[Bald Bryan]

But I don't want to talk about that. Well, first off, watch your language. I had to tell everyone. Pull up a cloud. We really got to talk this one out. When it came to jazz Bono, I mean that was. We were burning the midnight oil. You know, most people use this line to beg for the life of their five year old with a tumor not to. To bitch about J D. Screw J. Date Christian singles or whatever it is. They do this kind of thing. When an airplane is plummeting toward a volcano, that's when the phone rings. I get a lot of screaming and a lot of apologies. I don't get a lot of bitching. It's not a.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I do go to church.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I'm not Judd McIlvaine. The consumer hotline. Google that shit, bitch. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus.

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus. Digging deep.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm sorry. The guy was a. You know, he looked up consumer fraud. He lived on the earth.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be upset.

[Bald Bryan]

I think he was in North America. I put a beacon on him, you know? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be upset with me. I'm just trying to tell you.

[Bald Bryan]

Obviously I'm irritable. First off, I was eating. Oh, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

But that being said, I feel.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I have? What's that? Angel hair pasta. Usually gets a laugh, not just a grunt.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's true.

[Bald Bryan]

Do you think that's funny? It gets a laugh. It always gets a laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

And what about for dessert? Here we go.

[Bald Bryan]

Let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me guess. Balance it out with some devil's food cake.

[Bald Bryan]

That's going angel food, but yeah, it's funny. Devil's food. I'm going to write that down. All right. So anyway, normally people make this call when they're either on fire or their kid has a tumor or the plane is plummeting toward the earth. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Chastity, wasn't it? I'm ready to share my life with someone. I want to build a family.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

This topsy turvy world. I don't know what's going on.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me tell you about family basketball players.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I want a traditional family.

[Bald Bryan]

They're all my creatures and my sons. And by the way, you can't have a family. Yeah, why? Your sheet's no good. I just deactivated it.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, because of this phone.

[Bald Bryan]

Cause I want a bunch of you guys ringing my phone. Little you's ringing my phone off the hook.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that seems awful.

[Bald Bryan]

Can we get one of those Barbie Corvettes? Like, come on. This is for dying kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought the Jew's God was the vengeful one.

[Bald Bryan]

No, just listen. The seed's no good. So the good news is you don't need a condom. The bad news is there can be no offspring. Alright, I gotta get back to Cook's career here. This is a head scratcher.

[Adam Carolla]

Fine. I just wanted to let you know that if maybe you see fit down the line to try and set me up again. Because I would be interested to know who God's choice is for me. Can she have bigger tits?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Okay, listen, I'm hanging up. There's tsunamis, we got tornadoes. I'm cooking up over here. We got all sorts of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Jesus. One more question.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Want to have a catch?

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. That's powerful. It's good stuff. This has been a wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to say Adam Carolla. I was I nervous to work with Adam Carolla? The great Adam Carolla, to take the stage with him? Sure I was. But he is so generous as a performer.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He creates a playground, and that's why I got into acting. The craft is so exhilarating when someone else is taking chances.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm courageous.

[Dave Dameshek]

He's just brave.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, bring it home, because that's it. Dr. Jeffrey's gonna break in.

[Adam Carolla]

These lack of. These people lacking in faith. And don't take Jesus's setup.

[Bald Bryan]

What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

They don't go on. Christian, mingle. In the meantime, feel this. Forget the nails and all that stuff. I was gonna say crucifixion. I don't know. That seemed too harsh. But nails. And maybe in hindsight, that's even worse. But anyway, either way, taste the blaster. You're the creeps of the week.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, before the good doc comes in, bidpit.com the ultimate shopping experience. You can lock horns with fellow bidders without leaving the couch. And that's my whole thing. I like the horn locking. I don't like the getting up off the sofa. Horn lock, yes. Sofa, sofa. Leave no popular brands up to 90% off retail. You can get iPad mini for as little as is $13.82. Beats by Dr. Dre. They got the headphones on there for four bucks and change if you win. You want to have fun? Bidpit.com they have pit stop auctions. They got hidden bonus games. You can spin the wheel and win. You can do your own auctions on there. And they got 25 free bids. Just go to bidpit.com Adam and you'll get the 25 free bids. You got to use the promo code Adam. Offer only available for the first 300 people. And let the fun begin. 25 free [e-mail] Adam all right. The great Dave Damaschek Dave Damaschek football program you can get on itunes and you can Tweet him amishek. Davedamichek.NFL.com the Doctor Mastering the Life Plan

[Adam Carolla]

Happy belated birthday, ace.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you, Dr. Jeffrey Life in next. There was never one greater than Ace on Justice world or in outer space. And his birthday's today, so I just called to say hey. You deliver with such style and grace. Try Evoice free for 30 days. Go to evoice.com and use the promo code Adam. Or click the evoice [e-mail] this poem sucks. Well, it's perfect because I just turned 49 and I'm feeling old. Dr. Jeffrey Life mastering the Life plan. Available on Amazon. You know what? You go to AdamKroll.com you click on the Amazon banner, you buy the book, and we get to wet our beaks. Good to see you, Doctor.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Thank you.

[Bald Bryan]

Adam, lean up a little bit or pull that mic up to the soup cooler there, if you would. So how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I'm 74. I'll be 75 pretty soon.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm reading here that your story was at. Let's see, you were how old when you realized you were fat and old?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

About 58, 59.

[Bald Bryan]

And this, all this diet and exercise. I mean, a couple things. What is the most important thing you think somebody can do when it comes to longevity, physical fitness, that kind of thing?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, there's not one thing. It's a combination of things. But I would say. I would say eating the right kinds of food, drinking the right kinds of liquids, and doing the right kind of exercise.

[Bald Bryan]

What is the thing that we're doing that we don't know we're doing? Like, for instance, I always just thought eating a ton of fruit would be good, but I didn't realize how fat you get eating a ton of fruit. But it's like, oh, it's nature, it's healthy, it's fruits and vegetables. But. But picking out on fruit, probably not a good thing, right?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No, not a good thing because you need protein with each meal, and you need to avoid foods that jack up your blood sugar. Some fruits do that. And you need to watch the carbohydrates that do that as well.

[Bald Bryan]

Can we eat some carbohydrates? Because I feel I'm so. I'm thinking about taking my own life because I love pasta and I love carbs. And all of a sudden we went from. I remember back when they were saying carb load.

[Dave Dameshek]

You are taking your own life by eating that, Adam.

[Bald Bryan]

Now I can't eat the carbs or I'm not supposed to eat the carbs.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Yeah, I didn't make the rules. But that's true. I mean, if you eat carbs, if you eat pasta that is processed, you're going to spike your blood sugars. You're going to end up with insulin resistance and glucose intolerance.

[Bald Bryan]

So what is your walk us through? What would be a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner for you?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, I don't eat three meals. I eat four or five small meals a day.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, really? Because I'm missing some meals, buddy.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, then you need to.

[Bald Bryan]

You may have taken a few.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

You need to go up to four or five small meals a day.

[Bald Bryan]

Four or five small ones? Yeah.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

And you need to make sure you don't eat the following. Potatoes, rice, pasta, breakfast cereals, tropical fruits, fruit juices. These all spike your blood sugar.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the other thing I never figured out. Like, you know, everyone's like, oh, have a glass of orange juice with your breakfast. It's healthy orange juice. It's filled with vitamin C. They're trying to kill you. Yes. It's like there's more. Well, I don't know if it's, you know, it's not the same as Coca Cola, but calorically it's hot, it's greater, right?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Oh, yeah. I mean, your blood sugar will go up with orange juice just as much as it would with coke.

[Bald Bryan]

So what would your, what would your ideal. Let's say, what would you start with? Meal number one.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Meal number one. I have a shake after I work out, a protein shake after you work out? After I work out. But that might not be the best.

[Bald Bryan]

But shouldn't you eat before you work out?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I think that's what I recommend to most of my patients. Eat before you work out with a protein shake. And that's the only time I allow a half a banana, which is a high glycemic fruit, and that's the only time because you need that when you're working out to drive amino acids into your muscles.

[Bald Bryan]

So you do the protein shake first and second meal.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Second meal is like fish or chicken and vegetables and maybe a yam.

[Bald Bryan]

Yam. That's a weird one.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Yams are very strange because they taste like they would really be sweet.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, they look, look, let me tell you something. My stepdad, he loves sweet potatoes. Now I know he's just trying to piss me off. He loves a sweet potato. He hates a yam.

[Dave Dameshek]

How can that be?

[Bald Bryan]

It's like saying, I love curly, I hate meadowlark. That's a globetrot. Well, then one's a little bigger version of the same, dude. Like yam is just more sweet potato, right? It's more of a.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

It's very complicated.

[Bald Bryan]

He told me the back end of

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

the old man, I think is orange. And a sweet potato is white.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Except for it's not white white. It's kind of. It's if a yam raped a russet, like if they went to potato prison, right? And they'd have a little tot would be the tore off and it would. Now don't blame the tot.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, no.

[Bald Bryan]

That's society's problem. We have to raise that tot, right?

[Dave Dameshek]

It takes courage to raise a tot.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Right.

[Dave Dameshek]

But I'm like, what's the leader of the prison yard? For yam. For yam and sweet potatoes.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I think the Yukon, the squash. Squash. Cigars. I think if you. If you like a sweet potato. Why don't you like a yam? It's more sweet potato.

[Dave Dameshek]

That would be my question.

[Bald Bryan]

He did at the concert.

[Dave Dameshek]

I don't trust him.

[Bald Bryan]

Not well.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Did you ever test him and make the two and have him try them?

[Bald Bryan]

It's on my list.

[Brian Bishop]

They bring a little fingerlings for scared straight.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. John, I'm gonna need you to put this blindfold on. Don't ask questions. I hope you're hungry.

[Dave Dameshek]

And open your mouth.

[Bald Bryan]

And open your mouth. That's right. So yam. So second meal.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Second meal. Like a chicken breast or salmon? Some vegetables are fine. Most all of them.

[Bald Bryan]

Where are we with the red meat?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Red meat? You know, if you know, you have a family history of heart disease or you know yourself, you have problems with your cholesterol and you're at risk for vascular disease. You should be very careful with red bean.

[Bald Bryan]

Uh huh. But if not.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

But if not.

[Bald Bryan]

Protein.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Go for it.

[Bald Bryan]

Third meal.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Pretty much the same as the second meal.

[Bald Bryan]

More yams.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, brown rice.

[Dave Dameshek]

Well, there's your car.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I feel like I could do with brown rice. Although I'm a puss and I get the white and I shouldn't because the brown is not bad.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No, the white just spikes your. It's processed, you see, and it spikes your blood sugar up. And then your insulin goes up. And then you spend your day like most Americans with elevated insulin levels. And when you have elevated insulin levels, you cannot metabolize fat. Your body fat.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I'm such a pussy. Now, my birthday was Monday, so my sister brought over an ice cream cake. Sure. There's a chapter on that. And especially eating. It's weird to eat when you're 49. Ice cream cake. I ate that. I drank all day, ate a bunch of junk. And I woke up this morning, I announced, no more crap. And then Jimmy called me 20 minutes later and said, you want to eat barbecue? I said, let's do it, buddy. And then we're eating barbecue an hour and a half after that.

[Dave Dameshek]

Amazing willpower.

[Bald Bryan]

I have zero will. Zero willpower. So, all right, fourth meal.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Fourth meal can be yams. Another. No, I'd say this time we'll go with broccoli and another salmon or tuna.

[Bald Bryan]

So we got a good fish. Yeah, we feel like the salmon and the tuna are the Ones that are getting it all the time.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Oh, there are a lot of us. Other fish that are good.

[Bald Bryan]

They're all fine.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Yeah, they're pretty much all fine.

[Bald Bryan]

Anyone avoid?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, if you're a young woman that's pregnant, you do not want to eat fish that could have high mercury levels.

[Bald Bryan]

What about the farmed fish that everyone is freaked out about? Farmed fish, but I can't figure out what's going on with farmed fish.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, they're supposedly not as good. You know, that they are not fed natural foods. And so I tend to stay away from farm raised salmon. And you have to ask at a restaurant.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh yeah. Because they won't tell you. And then dinner.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Dinner. Like maybe a small piece of red meat.

[Bald Bryan]

Now we're talking. How many ounces is small?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

About 5 ounces.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, this thing, it's this crazy thing because I don't know what to do about it. But. But the first part of my life I spent just foraging for food. Now I have money, I can eat whatever I want. And now it's this whole battle of not eating what I want to eat. And it's this weird position in a weird way. I liked it better when I was just a starving artist, like literally.

[Dave Dameshek]

Well, I wish our appetites would catch up to our bodies and the world we're living in now. Because we still have appetites as if we're cave people. Yes, that's an exaggeration, but to a degree. But our metabolisms are like. We don't need any more food for the rest of our lives.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. Because we're not doing anything. Sitting in a car that drives itself, answering a text, using our, you know.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Now if you combine not so good eating with a really good exercise program, you can get away with it.

[Bald Bryan]

What do you think of steroids?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I think steroids, when we are talking about testosterone.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I'm just talking about. I don't know when people say the use of steroids.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, I mean, I use testosterone. Most of my patients are on testosterone because they're men that are experiencing andropause. This happens at about age 47. Testosterone starts to go down and that's why they come see me. Because they've lost energy, their erectile performance is compromised. Sexual function is not so good.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, how are you going to find. I mean, hypothetically, you know, with the, with the erection not functioning the way.

[Brian Bishop]

Feel bad for those guys.

[Bald Bryan]

Losers.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, suckers.

[Bald Bryan]

You got an email on the back of the book. But anyway, these guys are suckers. Yeah. So if the dingling's not working too good. Little loss of libido.

[Brian Bishop]

Put in layman's terms, Adam.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

So that, that happens when testosterone levels decline. And so typically my male patients come to me, they say, because their energy is not what it used to be,

[Dave Dameshek]

but what they mean is their ding a ling's not working.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

The ding a ling is just not up to snuff. It's performance that it was five years ago. So I get that out. They tell me that now.

[Bald Bryan]

What do you give them? Do you give them a patch? No, I give them bills a shot.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I'm big on shots. One shot a week.

[Bald Bryan]

One shot a week. And where's it come from?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

You synthesize, it's pretty much synthesized, so it's as close to bioidentical as we can get. And that's what I've been on personally for 10 years. And my patients do really well on it.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you know, again, we'll do this sort of blanket thing and just say steroids. But you know, people are talking about, you know, Lyle Alzado's dead because of steroids. And it's like, well, let's listen. First off, people get cancer, they get tumors. Brian has a brain tumor over here. Lyle Alzado had a brain tumor. You weren't juicing all through high school, in your early years with the Raiders. Steelers, right? Junior, senior year, Denver. And yeah. So this notion that where you go, oh, I got sick and then you go, because I live too close to the power lines. Like, well, people just get sick. Number one, you can't blame it on something. Number two, having a bunch of 74 year old, is it 74? Yeah, 74 year old guys that are built like brick shithouses. How bad can that be? Like people can go, that testosterone is going to get you. Right. But you can beat a 24 year old Marine in a foot race, in an arm wrestle. What are we talking about here? Like, if it's making you that much stronger, what are we talking about?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, it not only makes, keeps people from losing muscle as they age, makes people stronger, but it makes them healthier, it reduces their risk for heart disease, it reduces their risk for prostate cancer.

[Bald Bryan]

And it basically, basically. Don't let me put this in your mouth here. I mean words, we don't. We as guys, you know, once you hit 30 something, you start going down the other side of the hill over there and you stop producing as much testosterone. And basically what you're doing is you're putting it back into.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

That's right.

[Dave Dameshek]

But it makes you angry look how angry he is.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So rageful. And we're. And then I guess my only philosophical argument is a sort of free lunch in nature that you're monkeying with whatever the cycle. And I guess it's a death cycle, but it's this cycle. We don't need to reproduce anymore. We don't need to fight anymore. We barely need a screw anymore. We just need to sort of cycle

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

down, shrivel up and die.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Like our dads did.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Yeah. My dad's doing it as we speak.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam's dad's been doing it for 75 years.

[Bald Bryan]

He started shriveling in high school.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

And the thing is, we treat coronary artery disease. We put stents in. We do bypass surgery.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, that's the thing. I was yelling at somebody the other day when we're talking about playing God, like there's all these people that are freaked out about, you know, cloning and all that kind of stuff and playing God.

[Dave Dameshek]

You take antibiotics.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I used it the other way. The people that are freaked out over, like, let's say, genetic food, monkeying with food, screwing with strains that are, you know, impervious. Yeah. To certain vermin or whatever. But those same people are not into that. Are all for, like, stem cell research, which is one more just, I'm for everything, don't get me wrong. But that's one more. Just, hey, I don't like this science. I do agree with that science. There's a right version, a left version. It's like, science is science. Let's see what works here. And people are going to die along the way, but people are dying anyway. And now they look good when they die. You're going to look fantastic.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

The neat thing is that the better I have looked over the last 10 years, the healthier I have become. I mean, I was a type 2 diabetic when I started all this, and I had coronary artery disease. That has all gone away. Not the coronary artery disease, but I stopped it.

[Bald Bryan]

I was listening to some fitness model discuss this on the radio the other day, and he said that half hour a day in the gym was all you needed.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No, I totally disagree.

[Bald Bryan]

You disagree?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I spend four mornings a week, four or five, in the gym lifting weights with a trainer. My trainer that I've had for about six years. Rod Stanley.

[Dave Dameshek]

It's a good trainer name.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it is.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

This is really, really key to.

[Bald Bryan]

How long are you in the gym?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Every hour and 10 minutes. And then I spend four hours a week riding my exercise bike. Four times a week for about 50 minutes each time. And then I do Pilates because three years ago I realized I was really stiff and stooped over. So I hired a Pilates instructor. Her name is Shane.

[Dave Dameshek]

Take this in the spirit it's intended. But is there anyone who thinks you become more of an asshole now that you become super healthy though?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No.

[Dave Dameshek]

Really. I'm just saying you spend so much time in the gym. You must make people around you who are not as healthy feel bad.

[Bald Bryan]

You make people who are by the pool who are in their 30s feel like. Well, yeah, right.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I'm sure I piss off a lot of people.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Look at the COVID of the book. I'm angry. I'm livid. I'm not going to say anything about it, but I'm just livid because you're healthier than.

[Dave Dameshek]

You're in better shape than all of them.

[Bald Bryan]

The doctor's jacked. I want this testosterone now. How much does it cost? Does insurance cover this testosterone?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, not through the clinic that I work with. We do not take insurance. But you know, you can get a doctor that knows what he or she's doing to prescribe. To prescribe.

[Dave Dameshek]

Women can become doctors now, Adam. I've seen it. Not just gynecologists.

[Bald Bryan]

Build a time machine and kill Hitler's mom. While you're at it,

[Brian Bishop]

maybe you can ride a unicorn over to her office.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Yeah, we do that. Yeah. So.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

But it's not expensive.

[Bald Bryan]

It's not expensive. All right.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

You know, and I talk about it on my website.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll give that website out right now. It's drlife.com.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

all right, just D, R L I

[Bald Bryan]

F E I F. There you go. Should we do a little news doc? You want to hang out and crack wise? Gary, start the clock there, would you, buddy? Yeah. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. LegalZoom Baby America. Built by innovators. People like Edison, Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, Anima Corolla. Just put that in there. This month, LegalZoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream. You can apply for patent, register a trademark, protect your products, incorporate form an LLC, launch your business. Use LegalZoom. About as inexpensive as that testosterone. You don't need to get a high priced attorney. Use LegalZoom. Visit LegalZoom.com they'll take care of you start to finish. They've helped millions of businesses get started and get get started. Right. Don't forget to use the code, Adam, for additional savings. LegalZoom celebrate innovation with LegalZoom and for a limited time, get a special price on trademark, copyright hand patent applications by using the Code Adam at checkout. Protect your creations and launch your [e-mail] LegalZoom can provide self help services in your specific direction or they can connect you to an attorney, but they are not a law firm. All right, let's do a little news doc Hangout. Crack wise or crack walnuts. Right. With your biceps. Either way. And we'll do some news with Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison. Allison.

[Dave Dameshek]

So JCPenney is catching little heat because they put up a billboard advertising a tea kettle. But people think the billboard looks like a certain thing. And I want to know without telling you what?

[Bald Bryan]

Adolf Hitler.

[Dave Dameshek]

That's right.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. But I look at clouds and they look like Adolf Hitler. I look at my dog, she looks like Adolf Hitler.

[Dave Dameshek]

You count the Hitlers and the tiles.

[Bald Bryan]

Hitler. Yeah. Everything's Adolf Hitler to me. This carpet's very Hitler esque. So are you.

[Brian Bishop]

That's weird because the negative space. So they'll put this on the website, I'm sure, but yeah.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yes. You can check out AdamCarolla.com to see the photo of the tea cat that unfortunately resembles Hitler.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. But a happy Hitler. A carefree Hitler.

[Dave Dameshek]

It's like a cartoony Hitler.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a hipster skinny tie.

[Dave Dameshek]

Mm. Yeah. It's like if Hitler were in if Hitler.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Or on south park or something like that. Yeah. Now the billboard looks more Hitler esque than I. I don't know. Than Hitler than most teapots. Here's the deal. We can no longer control everything that happens. Every 250 millionth Triscuit is gonna look like it has the virgin Guadalupe on it. You know what I mean?

[Dave Dameshek]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Just is. There's just gonna be things that look like things because there's so many things. There's gonna be words that sound offensive even though they're not. They're gonna be people that. That flub up certain words because they say so many words and there's so many to choose from.

[Dave Dameshek]

And there's a website to catch and point out all of it.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. But here's the point. Is JCPenney endorsing Hitler? And then are they doing it through tea kettles? And if so, they're a little late to this party. You know what? I feel like JCPenney really should have done the thing that they should have done. They had an opportunity. They had a super denim robot. I'll show you a picture of this super denim robot my parents used to buy me. They do. Like, here's how it worked. They go like Broadway bullocks. A little rich for our blood. Sears. There's not a whole lot of negative stigma attached to Sears. Let's buy our son jeans from J.C. penney. Shiny plastic jeans with reinforced knees. And there's a commercial for the super denim robot when your jeans are shiny. And again, the gay overtones of having the reinforced knees, we all knew what that was about. But there was a commercial, and it had a robot. Back when they used to just put people in robot outfits and they just put, like, a Quaker Oats cardboard cylinder on their head that they painted silver. And the arms would always be that flex ducting that they would use on a dryer. The arms of the thing. And he was trying to wear out jeans, but that they should have done a Hitler mustache on him. That was their window. You know, that's where I feel like they could have made their move. But. So it's funny.

[Dave Dameshek]

If they really were into Hitler.

[Bald Bryan]

If they really were. Yeah. They dropped the ball. So it's funny. But there's. What. What are they saying? I mean, you know, when people go. You know, you ever have this person? And I'm always curious about this person and wonder how it works, where they go, well, anyway, what I'm going to. No, the guy just lives. He lives right down the Strat for me. Street from me.

[Brian Bishop]

Strat or street?

[Bald Bryan]

He lives down the street.

[Brian Bishop]

Got a Strat by her ear.

[Bald Bryan]

It's down the street.

[Brian Bishop]

He lives in a cul de sac.

[Bald Bryan]

I meant to say straight. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say Strat. I said street.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Shut.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. Like, okay, fucked up. Please, can we move on? Like, what is.

[Dave Dameshek]

No one does anything on accident.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't even correct people who do that because I know what their mouth was attempting to say. Yeah, just something else came out. They invented a word. I get it. All right, so.

[Dave Dameshek]

And you're saying that's what this is? Pretty much I am. Well, it's being spun. It got a lot of attention today, and it's being spun as a publicity stun. No, no, no. It's been spun that. Oh, poor JCPenney. They're already financially floundering, and they just can't catch a break. Look at this misstep. Actually, probably good.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it's. Any publicity is good publicity these days. But yeah, I like the. We're back. I like the commercials. Couple of commercials. I like any, you know, take a second look at, you know, Union Carbide or whatever it is. Like, whatever that means somebody fucked up colossally. I like all the bp. Everyone's down on the coast of Louisiana having a good time. Bumper shrimp harvest this year. You know, I mean, it's all the happy people.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you like, do you like the. The makeup calls? BP will do this. They'll be like, they'll show their guys down there scrubbing, you know, seals and stuff like that. And like, like Netflix sent us an email saying, sorry, we messed up or whatever it was. And it's always nice when the company's

[Bald Bryan]

like, all right, I like.

[Dave Dameshek]

So It'll be like JCPenney doing the heaven Agila.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, exactly like that. All right. I miss a world with a JCPenney in it, you know, I want to take my kids there and punish them, you know? Yeah, I want a place.

[Dave Dameshek]

Isn't there anywhere you could take them now that'll punish them?

[Bald Bryan]

I guess we can just go. Go to Van Nuys. Just in general. All right, what's next?

[Dave Dameshek]

Well, a rare Apple one computer. So this was Apple's first desktop computer, sold for more than $671,000 over the weekend at an auction in Germany. And I started thinking about computers and

[Bald Bryan]

started thinking about Kimmel. Bought it. He gave it to Jeff Ross.

[Dave Dameshek]

So at this point, I have a computer that's really outdated and I want to buy another computer. However, there's like the Mac rumors, and they say, don't buy because they're going to announce a new one. And then I was thinking about your computer, which I've seen, which is a pretty current computer. And given that you would advertise, perhaps that you're not the most tech savvy, email, texty person.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, my computer at home.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Dameshek]

But do you keep up with current computers? Like, who's in charge of buying you the current computer?

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, well, what happens is I'm forced to. I don't do anything myself. But somebody's got to edit and someone's got to get files and audio files and edit. And then they go, this thing's no good. And this thing doesn't work. I have an $8,000 Mac that I bought to edit my movie. The Hammer that's in the next room. That's like, ah, this is not. No, it's not worth it. We'll sell it for scrap. Like, it's like $8,000 computer. And then. And it's so funny with computer people because when you go, how old's a computer? And you go, like, seven years.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, they laugh at you.

[Bald Bryan]

They laugh at you. It's a weird thing. Is there a crank on it? Yeah. If you say your car. What is it? A catgut hard drive in there? Like, if you say your car's seven years old, they'll go, it's still got some. If you tell anyone your computer's more than three years old, and they start laughing. But I'm not any better than the one that came out in the 80s. But the people around me, I'm asking them to do more on it and a lot of graphics.

[Dave Dameshek]

So they are the ones who decide.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, okay. Yes, Gotcha.

[Dave Dameshek]

But do you know anyone who would pay $671,000 for a vintage computer? Because I have one from 2007, I think.

[Bald Bryan]

I think the notion of buying anything that's going to be worth twice as much in 10 years is a good one, whatever it is. And this could be that.

[Dave Dameshek]

That's true.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, we only. We understand it in art and coins and real estate and stuff like that. It's that way for everything. Cars, it's insane. Anything that's sort of one of a kind, anything that has some history to it, buy it. Buy it as an investment.

[Brian Bishop]

It's historically significant. At the very least, it's going to be a museum someday.

[Dave Dameshek]

Dr. Life. Do you spend a lot of time at the computer? Because I keep reading that sitting will

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

kill you as little as I can.

[Bald Bryan]

I heard that thing where you're supposed to walk around for 20 minutes forever. Like every two hours you sit or whatever. And all we do is sit. I don't know what the hell else to do.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm standing right now.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I should stand.

[Dave Dameshek]

We should all stand, I guess.

[Bald Bryan]

Next show.

[Dave Dameshek]

I don't know. Is that true?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, we're too sedentary. We're not moving around.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

We're gonna thrombo difference between standing and sitting.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, what are we supposed to do?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

You gotta move. You gotta devote some of your day to moving.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Here's my problem. I'll tell you my physical workout problem. I picked an exercise that's super easy for me but difficult for other people. And they plate spinning and they think,

[Dave Dameshek]

no, I can't do it. I keep breaking the plates.

[Bald Bryan]

I skip rope. And for me, it's fairly effortless. I think I could probably smoke and skip rope if I Needed to. Again, not in front of the kids, but it's easy for me to skip.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Do you know what you get your heart rate up to? That's the key.

[Bald Bryan]

I sweat through my shirt a little bit.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, you need to check your heart rate.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I do.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

If you get your heart rate up to 140, 150, you're doing good.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. All right. So I should be. See, if I were shittier at skipping rope, then I would burn more calories skipping rope.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

You can skip rope faster and you can put some.

[Bald Bryan]

I do have a couple of moves. I do a little zippity doo down there.

[Brian Bishop]

Has the doctor seen the hammer?

[Bald Bryan]

I haven't seen it. Oh, yeah, I do. Some people think I did. There was a stunt rope man in there. Now, we just.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

So you've been doing that since you were a kid?

[Bald Bryan]

I learned to skip rope when I started boxing when I was about 19, and I was good at it, and it came fairly easily to me. And I realized that most people. Interesting life lesson. I'd run into guys who box for 20 years, and I'd go, all right, let's skip some rope and get a little lather going. And they go, I don't really skip rope. And then I'd go, you don't skip rope. You box. And they go, I'm no good at it. And they realize they're no good at it, and they never want to go through the period where they suck at it, so they just abandon it and they go right to the heavy bag, which is fine, but you never really round out your game very well because you just kind of focus on the one thing that you're good at or the three things that you're good at. But the thing that you're not that good at, you don't want to look bad at at the gym in front of everyone else. And especially when you get to year 13 of something and somebody goes, that guy's been boxing for 13 years, and he looks like an idiot skipping the rope. So they avoid it when you should be doing the opposite, which is if you're shitty at skipping rope, set aside an extra 20 minutes to do it every single day. You'll get past it, you'll push through it, and you'll be pretty good in six months.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Do you still box?

[Bald Bryan]

All I do is shadow box so I don't get hit in the head anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

That's great.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

I mean, that's a great form of exercise. So if you did that for 30 or 40 minutes every day, you'd get in really great shape. Cardiovascular.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I got to do something with the rope. It's too easy. How long do you.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Do you jump the rope?

[Bald Bryan]

I jump the rope for about 25, 30 minutes a day. But I watch TV and I barely move. I still squat. I sweat, but I'm, you know, I'm sweating now.

[Dave Dameshek]

You see what? I keep reading, but I just don't want to believe it. But what I keep reading is even if you're working out, if you're sedentary for most of the day, you're screwed. It's not true, right?

[Bald Bryan]

We at least try working out. Couldn't hurt.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No. If you devote an hour a day to working out, you're gonna be okay.

[Bald Bryan]

I watch TV and I have earbuds in. And if I could, I swear to God, I am so bored working out that I literally put on the TV and then I put in the earbuds. It's pathetic. It's just pathetic. I used to be a stud and I turned into a puss. I need some of that testosterone. I used to run the bleachers and drag the tire behind me and do all that great rocky stuff. Now it's just like.

[Brian Bishop]

It's getting depressing.

[Bald Bryan]

It really is.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

It's not too late. I mean, this is the time to start.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I gotta bottom out first, though. I'm almost at bottom.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the best part.

[Dave Dameshek]

How will you know when you bottomed?

[Bald Bryan]

People tell you. Other people complain.

[Dave Dameshek]

Are you inviting people to let you know?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but you gotta mean it.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean? I don't want any half assed. You sort of, kind of maybe bottomed out.

[Brian Bishop]

You look better.

[Bald Bryan]

I wasn't there when you did it, but I heard tail. Maybe you did. Yeah. You gotta meet it. You commit to it. All right.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Another way to know is if you don't wake up with early morning erections or you never get spontaneous erections.

[Bald Bryan]

If you don't get those, Allison, you're screwed. Spontaneous? Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

She doesn't get spontaneous anymore. You have to work at it for.

[Dave Dameshek]

I did not have to.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm pretty sure if I went back to high school and they gave me some sweatpants, I could get something going. I need to recreate the environment. You know what I mean? And the young ladies. Don't hurt me.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wait. Do most men get spontaneous erections their whole life?

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

It starts to decline as their testosterone level declines. But if they have good, healthy testosterone levels, then they get an occasional erection

[Bald Bryan]

out of the blue. Is that the yardstick? We used When I say yardstick. But the five and a half inch yardstick we use to measure your testosterone, I mean, if you had one. Just one way to measure a man's testosterone.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

That's one question.

[Bald Bryan]

Wake up with the boner and do

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

you get spontaneous erections?

[Bald Bryan]

I don't get the spontaneous ones, but I do wake up with the boner. But I think that's just because I have to take a piss.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

No, they call it piss hard ons, but it's really.

[Bald Bryan]

It's what I call my employees. But it's really piss hard on.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Number two, if you don't have good testosterone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're right.

[Bald Bryan]

I should never. Them. That's right. Sorry.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Yeah, but if you don't get. If you don't have good testosterone levels, you will not get a spontaneous. Spontaneous erection or an early morning erection.

[Bald Bryan]

I got the early morning one.

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

Well, then you're probably okay. But it could be on the downslide.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I'm sure I'm sliding. And I do. If I ever do get a massage, I have to think about Vietnam and my grandparents fighting in Vietnam, by the way. Like, I have to take it a step further because I'm naked on top of a table and someone's putting their hands on me.

[Brian Bishop]

Are they fighting each other like they're having a spat or are they, like, fighting in Vietnam?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, my. My dad is a. I mean. Sorry. My grandfather's an American and my grandma's Viet Cong.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's head offensive. They're going at it pretty good.

[Brian Bishop]

It's pretty bad.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I have.

[Dave Dameshek]

You shouldn't use the language. Going at it if you're trying to avoid.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, yeah, it's a good point. Good.

[Brian Bishop]

Hot, heavy.

[Bald Bryan]

Thinking about not getting a boner is not an effective way to not get a boner. It doesn't work. I mean, it doesn't. It doesn't. Look, if you're trying to quit smoking, sitting around all day thinking about not smoking is not the way to quit smoking or eating or whatever it is you're doing. All right, let's bring it home.

[Dave Dameshek]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zipit carbohydrates.

[Bald Bryan]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. All right, behind the candelabra. I promise to you guys. Did you guys watch this?

[Dave Dameshek]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

First couple things, it was one of those movies where you went, how they gotta pull this off. Michael Douglas met in no way. And then you went, wow, they pulled this off. Yeah, it looked good. There's gonna be some Emmys going around. I'M guessing, I'm just guessing. And you know, does it set design and costume and all that. But I think Michael Douglas and, and Matt Damon will be up for something. They both just sort of turned into that person. Now the good news is we didn't know those people well. I mean we just see them up on stage doing them, but we didn't really get to see them in their personal life enough. It's going to be more difficult in years to come. When you're doing a bio whatever on somebody and there's lots of footage and lots of camera time, you know everything

[Brian Bishop]

about the person or you think you do anyway.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, you, you will not just know the act, you know the big screen version or the big stage version of them. You'll have to get all the other nuances. So I didn't know what Liberace was like at home.

[Dave Dameshek]

It made me want to go look up footage of Liberace.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it was interesting. So Michael Douglas was fantastic. His piano playing seemed incredible. I don't know how they did it. I don't know if he plays the piano.

[Dave Dameshek]

I was trying to figure that out as well.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know, he just odd.

[Bald Bryan]

Obviously trained for the part. Matt Damon was fantastic. Idea that he played a 19 year old and then played a 45 year old is insane. Rob Lowe was fun. I thought I'd be freaked out by all the hot tubbing with dudes, but somehow was cool with it. I think it's because I knew the two guys couldn't figure it out. No, most guys have a visceral reaction to 2. When straight dudes see gay dudes kissing, they have a visceral reaction to it. Like they'll go, oh man, come on. I don't see that Everyone thinks that's homophobic. It's not really homophobic. It's built in. I've talked to Dr. Drew about this. Straight guys seeing the gay sexual act, they avert their gays, pardon the pun, just like you would of anything else that you just didn't want to see. And that's just what straight gay.

[Dave Dameshek]

But the exception is when you know the guy.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know, it's not being uptight. It's somehow knowing that. And I must admit I kind, you know that the way they did the kissing and the way they did the stuff was not, you know, full blown tongues, you know, slathering and everything. I did kind of look down a little or look or whatever. But somehow I was looking at them both as actors playing this role. And how interesting it was.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I was both totally lost in the story while at the same time always thinking, I can't believe that that's Michael Douglas. I can't believe that's Matt Damon.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. So. Would have made a better movie than probably 90% of the movies that hit the theater. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

A real director, Steven Soderbergh.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Don't know if it would have made money because it could have freaked people out. Who the hell knows? But definitely worth a watch. Everyone's gonna hate me for saying this, but it could have been 90 minutes. There was a. There was a. It was. It was.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it two hours?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Or thereabouts. You know, it kind of was one of those movies that had a very long middle and then kind of wrapped it up pretty fast, but interesting. And a lot of people were sort of think, you know, it didn't focus that much on Liberace, the classical pianist, and more on his sexuality and all that. But you have one story to tell, and you got to tell it. You just realize it was a time before we knew everything about everyone. So you could just do whatever you want it. You'd have your trusted confidants, and you wouldn't, you know, they couldn't tweet out pictures of you and your boyfriend and all that kind of stuff. And people. There's just a certain amount of weird decorum where you could have your life and people could speculate, but that was about it. Anyway, I give it two big cocks up. It was enjoyable.

[Brian Bishop]

Engorged.

[Bald Bryan]

Engorged. Morning. Spontaneous. Bloated. Tumest. And penises. All right, Lumosity, baby. Yeah, let's. I mean, the biceps, that's good for the good doctor and everything and all the health, but what about the brain, man? What about that muscle? You got to stay fit with that muscle. Lumosity helps you do that. They have lots of games that help your memory, help your focus, help your sharpness, and you can train and you can keep your score and you can match yourself against other people your age and your group, and then you can see how you're progressing along.

[Brian Bishop]

And they keep rolling out new games, or at least for me, anyway. I've been doing it for a few days, and I just played a new game yesterday, and I was like, jesus Christ, there's more games.

[Bald Bryan]

It's just quick, daily workouts designed to improve your brain's performance. And like anything else, you use it or it atrophies, it shuts down. And I don't know why your brain's any different. Like I always say, you want to talk about your core?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Core.

[Bald Bryan]

This is the core, baby. Your brain. Get out there and work it out. Be more sharper and more focused. Better at meetings. Better problem solver. Better memory. Think more clearly. Start training today. Go to lumosity.com click on the start training. Start training to begin for free. That's right, free. L U M O S I T Try it out for free. Tell them you heard it from me. All right, I want to thank the great Dave Damoshek for coming in here. Me and Jay Moore are going to be at the Wiltern theater coming up August 3rd. Those tickets are going to go, so if you want to see me and Jay Moore together, go check that out. You want to check out Mangria? We have a new page. Go to buymangria.com you can Facebook [e-mail] mangria and corolla drinks and that. Mangria and blah, blah, blah. You can figure it out. But we have a new page and lots of cool stuff on there. Dr. Jeffrey Life, mastering the Life plan. Available on Amazon, the website Dr. DrLife.com and you can give him a tweet @DrJ Life. I want to thank Dave Damaschek for coming in here. Until next time, this Adam Carolla for the good doctor, Allison Rosen and Bob Bryan staying. Mahalo.

[Dave Dameshek]

Who's this funny to?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, that's Adam Kolla Show 1088.

[Bald Bryan]

Coming up next, we have Adam Kurilla

[Brian Bishop]

Show 1102 featuring Lisa Lampanelli, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop, also from 2013.

[Bald Bryan]

And good to you, Allison Rosen.

[Dave Dameshek]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Bald Bryan]

Your seat seems hot.

[Dave Dameshek]

I know. I feel like I'm shrinking. I'm too fat for the chair.

[Bald Bryan]

You have to. Well, it's meant for regular sized people. I mean, to be fair, it's hard

[Dave Dameshek]

for me to fit in this tiny world.

[Bald Bryan]

Good to see you, Ball Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a great show. A lot of fun.

[Brian Bishop]

Requested by Angry Burger. Hashtag top drop.

[Bald Bryan]

There's a move to getting your seats to go up, which is you have to hop and pull at the same time.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, I know what you're thinking. That my fat ass is what's preventing the hydraulics lifting.

[Bald Bryan]

But that's you.

[Dave Dameshek]

It won't even go.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, they're all a little bit different, but we'll work it out. Or you can swap it out. Oh, boy. Had to get fingerprinted today. Now, they told me that I needed to get thumbprinted in order to assistant coach.

[Brian Bishop]

That's where you draw the line.

[Bald Bryan]

Again, there's a problem in that I'm trying not to be a douchebag. On the other hand, I'm trying to claim society back. And as I've said many times, my own little things I do is I get my assistants to sign everything every time they do one of those things where they go, and I also fuck with people too. Like, I've had people. Here's how you know none of these rules. Okay, let me explain how society works. If your cell phone could possibly interrupt an airplane's communication or any vital workings of an aircraft, if there was 1/10 of 1% of 1 millimeter of 1 centimeter of 1 hummingbird's heartbeat that it could, you would not be allowed to bring that phone on the airplane.

[Brian Bishop]

It'd be banned.

[Bald Bryan]

It'd be banned. So the fact that it's on your lap and someone is saying to you, go ahead and shut that off. And then walking away and you could easily turn it back on means it's not dangerous. That's how you know it's not dangerous.

[Dave Dameshek]

I hate that I turned it off.

[Bald Bryan]

Then I know you just sort of put it under your. Anyway, so it's like when people say, you know when famously, I tell people all the time, they shoot at my warehouse, and I tell them they can shoot at my warehouse. And then they go, now you need to sign a release. And I go, no, I'm not signing a release. And they go, if you don't sign the release and we can't use any of this footage, I go, okay, don't use it. And they go, okay. And then they leave. And then they use the footage. That's how you know you're calling her bluff. Basically, it doesn't exist. I've had everybody sign the greatest moment of my, I mean, I don't know, victory wise, I think just above the twins, was when telepictures those fucking furman said they were sending my contract around for my Kevin Smith talk show. And they said they needed it signed today. And I said to assistant J, you sign it, I'm taking a nap. And he signed it, I took a nap. And the next day they pulled the plug and jacked me out of 500,000 bucks. Well, actually, Kevin Smith did, but either way, it's a victory. I was happy. I was happy.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you didn't expend the energy on a waste time.

[Bald Bryan]

I was happy that I told assistant J, you just go ahead and sign those fuck sticks Thing. By the way, telepictures come calling again. They want to do something else.

[Dave Dameshek]

Who's the glutton for punishment here?

[Bald Bryan]

Someone who wasn't around for the first round when they tried to fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

It's new.

[Bald Bryan]

People rape me.

[Brian Bishop]

They re either way, 12 months or something.

[Bald Bryan]

Fuck yourself for the next thousand years. That'll help this process. That'll stop you from coming around once a year or once every other year to ask me if I want to do a project.

[Brian Bishop]

You tell them that and they think that's your pitch.

[Bald Bryan]

Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that a strip show or is that a woodwink?

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. So it's interesting. I'm always interested when it's sort of how, you know. By the way, this business is filled with horrible people in pariahs. Horrible people in pariahs don't actually know they're horrible people in pariah. So you have a horrible experience with them. Horrible. And I've had this with many producers and then they come around like nine months later, they go, hey, I got another project idea. And you're like, don't this. We had the. We had the worst first date ever. Ever. Do you think I ever want to do another project with your fucking untalented hackful ass? No.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you guys get the thing sometimes where someone will say, oh, I just worked. I love that guy. That guy's assault of the year. Whatever. It goes on and on. You go to that guy who maybe you know, or you know someone who knows, like, hey, this person said you were a great. That guy sucks. That guy's an asshole. I never quite know how that doesn't go both ways. The affection.

[Bald Bryan]

I know they never know it and I guess they're shitty to everybody. And they're non human beings, so they don't really know when they're being shitty to people or they can't tell to be fair to them, but never. There's so many people I never want to work with again, ever. And life's too short. But anyway, so I have people just sign contracts for me and all that. And when I found out about this thumb printing business, I immediately said, oh, we got to forge these papers. We got to do some kind of forge. I don't want to fucking deal with this. We got to take some kind of stand. Someone needs a piece of paper, it's a fucking piece of paper. Again, as I said, I'm not going camping with the kids. I'm going to the fucking wine coaching my son. Why? Anyway, the problem with that though, Adam,

[Brian Bishop]

is that now that could Work against you. Porcelain Punisher goes ahead and diddles a kid or, you know, crime. You're here on the hook.

[Bald Bryan]

That's true.

[Brian Bishop]

That could work against you.

[Bald Bryan]

That's true.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I made up movie.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So you don't need to sign anything. You don't need to do anything. You can have other people forge your shit. No one knows. No one looks at anything. Look, I have a fake middle name on my driver's license, on every fucking legal document I have. It's on every mortgage I have. It's not my real name. I don't have a middle name. I just wrote it in. In, do whatever you want. We're super lazy and stupid is what I'm saying. But then we're sticklers for details. And so, just out of pride, I just tell Matt or whoever's next to me, you sign it. I'm not signing it. You sign it. And by the way, don't even make it look like me. I don't give a fuck. Sign your own name. I don't care. And nothing ever happened. Nothing ever comes back. No one. Ever. It's not like the telepictures people brought the contract back and said, hey, this doesn't match up with what we have on file or anything. Never hear about it again.

[Dave Dameshek]

I was just trying to tick the box and move on.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Everyone has to say they did this. I was just talking to Jimmy about this over at Hollywood park about this whole, like, sexual harassment thing. Like, if everyone just said, no, we're not gonna attend the mandatory sexual harassment meeting. Which Jimmy said he doesn't do. And I said, I don't do it either. But the last pilot I shot, they had the big meeting. You know, hey, the staff, the crew, everyone show up, waste a whole bunch of fucking time. I said, I'm not doing it. I have no history of this. And it's insane. And we're all just fucking wasting money and we've gone insane. I'm not gonna do it. And the next day, I showed up at work, and the person, the sexual harassment chick, had to sit next to me. And I was like, what are we doing? We're doing one on one. I was like, one on one? I have to check the box. You know, you have to check the box that the star of the show is not gonna sexually assault somebody on set. And then, by the way, I'm the one who's gonna get sued if I do any of that. And don't I need to have. What happened to the part where you had to have a history of something before.

[Dave Dameshek]

Anyway, they're harassing you with their harassment seminar.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, God.

[Brian Bishop]

So of course the star is the last person you'd expect.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure. Well, at least it's an honor to be sexually harassed by the star. I mean, and back in the day, let me tell you, when Dean Martin dropped a digit on a gold digger, I'm the fucking tip of the cat. Tip of the cap. People don't repeat things enough anymore.

[Dave Dameshek]

I'd argue it's sexist if they don't.

[Brian Bishop]

This exchange could be used against you, by the way, in a future training session.

[Bald Bryan]

When Dino dropped a digit in the good old days. Tip of the cap. Tip of the cap, yeah.

[Dave Dameshek]

So whose thumb was it?

[Bald Bryan]

So I had to go to the place where you feel weird because it feels like you're registering as a sex offender, you know, And I had to hang out the nice Armenian lady and, you know, first they do the left thumb. It's all digital. It's on a piece of glass. Then the right, then the left thumb. Then I got a little defensive because she's like, eh, it's not taking. It's not taking. Then she said, are you sweaty? And I said, no, feel my hands. Powder dry. Sweaty, sweaty. I went too far. I do the same thing when I. When I travel and the woman behind the desk at the hotel asked me if I want two keys. I always say, why no one? Why I wouldn't not bring anyone else back here after the show. Just one. It's fine. It's good. Now I realize she's asked for eight keys because someone told me when the fucking magnetic strip goes off on the one when you have to piss like a motherfucker and you're up on the 19th floor and you got to run down a two in the morning.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Morning.

[Bald Bryan]

That's why you should get the backup one and put it up your ass and keep it away from your credit cards and your cell phone. But anyway, same thing with the masseuse. Would you prefer a man or a woman? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Why should I care? I don't care.

[Dave Dameshek]

I normally don't even notice gender.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't think about gender. It's not a non sexual situation. I mean, I'm nude, they're oiling me up, but I'm not a type. Yeah, I want a chick, but I don't want to say I don't want to do it because I want to be uptight. So she does your hands sweaty? No. And then I had to do the. Go ahead, touch them. I'm fine. They're dry. Bone dry. So doing the thumb, and then it gets a little intimate because she has to put her hand on top of your thumb and help roll it.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah, like she's spooning your thumb.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, she's cuticle spooning. And so she's rolling it. I'm like, all right, now that we sign a piece of paper and I get the fuck out of here. And she's like, no, I need your right thumb now. Right? Yeah. Because that's what I do is I fucking cut my arm off. And I lend it out to pedophiles so they can not. Okay, I'll use my right. Okay, so now I'm gonna use my lotion. I mean, my magazine. I mean, my remote. I mean, I'll just use my reading. My right hand, and I do the right. And she does yes again. She has to help me, like, sort of roll it.

[Dave Dameshek]

It is very intimate.

[Bald Bryan]

And now she does the rolling. And now I go, all right, you got right thumb, you got left thumb. We good, or should we continue on the dance of the tards? And she's like, I need all fingers now. The whole hand on the glass. It's this glass scanner. Whole hand, whole hand. And I. Okay, whole hand, left hand. All right. She's pressing down on top of my individual fingers again. Very sexual.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

At this point now, right hand, right hand, pressure, pin down. Okay. All right, so we good? No. I have to do each finger individually. I'm like, what the fuck are we doing here? What are we doing? When is. When did time just become. When did we all live to 250 years of age when we could all just fucking stand around with semi retarded people, started a fucking business about nothing, and just fucking stand in their shitty Glendale office just making nothing talk.

[Dave Dameshek]

But in the past, when they dust for prints and then match them, do they have the whole hand print?

[Bald Bryan]

No. I don't know. You have both thumbs. You have all fucking fingers now.

[Dave Dameshek]

I don't know how you diddle a kid, but I would just use one finger.

[Bald Bryan]

I use my nose. Jesus Christ. Can't dust for nose, Grandpa used to say. At least I thought sounded muffled. Anyway, so now it's all hands on fucking deck. And, you know, they're. Oh, now it's each individual finger, and some of them aren't coming out that well. So it's like to. Try this one again. Let's. All right, you know what?

[Dave Dameshek]

So let's say you're holding her hand

[Bald Bryan]

at this point we're practically engaged. Like in a lot of countries we would be engaged. And she's rolling, you know, she's like rolling the index finger and she's putting pressure on it. And then there's like the one where we're skipping by the ring finger. Like, that one's not taking. We'll get back to that. Oh, boy. Great. I can. This is gonna be.

[Adam Carolla]

Woo.

[Bald Bryan]

Now don't. Now don't build me up for not gonna pay this off because don't tell me we're gonna get back this colossal waste of time and then forget about it. Don't get me all moist and then leave me at the altar. Oh, no, we'll get back to the index. Okay. Okay. So we're rolling and rolling. Now we got to go through the same dance of the tards with the other hand that's rolling. And there's like one finger that's not taking very well. And it's like, feel bad, like it's my fault, like maybe I jam it when playing football or something. Well, now let's just try it again. All right, let's get back to that one. Let's just say you have four out of fucking five fingers on one hand and both thumbs on both.

[Brian Bishop]

And what's the worst case scenario?

[Dave Dameshek]

He uses his ring finger to.

[Bald Bryan]

So it's 20 bucks. Should be 150 bucks. With a nickel, it's just $20. I don't know where the fucking profit margin is by the time you buy the finger scanner thing and everything. She's got her laptop out. I'm in there for half an hour, fucking rolling fingers. And then she goes, all right, here you go. And here's a copy. This is the copy you give the person who's scared they're going to get sued out of existence, so give this copy to them. And then she goes, hold on. And I go, what's that? She goes, your copy. I said, I don't want it. Well, this is your copy. I said, you keep it, shred it, throw it away, wipe your ass, I don't care. I don't need my copy. I need the one to shut up the person that's going to cause the lawsuit. And then we get the fuck on with my life.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wait, where did you go to get this done?

[Bald Bryan]

It was Glendale, was by the ikea. It's sad that this is a business. I understand. I understand that there's a need for such things. I understand there's a need for airport security. I understand there's a Need for cops. And you know that certain corners where people get killed jaywalking, and there's incidents of this. And I understand all that. Also understand that the day we just decide, you know, everybody's gotta get down into their underpants and walk through the metal detector. And if you're in a wheelchair and if you look like Sandy Duncan and if you have no history of anything, here's what I've always said. Here's where we're at. And this is. This is what I mean. I say this all the time. I've had this with almost every endeavor. There's no such thing as good credit. There's just bad credit and then there's credit. I should have credit that lets me walk up to people's houses and yell, you get out. And them going. But we've lived here for over 30. Hit the road, baby. I'm the new owner of this house. The bank will work it out. With no money down. That is good credit. That should be my credit. No, I don't. I just have not bad credit. That's all. And what you have is. What we all have is we're not terrorists yet. We're not pedophiles yet. We're not serial rapists or molesters on the workplace yet. That's all we have. There's no file that gets you into the, oh, I know this guy or this person has no history of anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Just like they say with motorcycle drivers, you've either been in an accident or you're gonna be in an accident.

[Bald Bryan]

Right? So that's it for us. And that's our society. There's people who are registered sex offenders and then there are those of us. Then there's unregistered who have to go register ourselves pre sex offenders. Yeah, we're pre. We're all pre sex offenders. That's it. There's no more, oh, I know this guy. Oh, I've seen this guy. Oh, he's married with two kids. Oh, he. No, no.

[Dave Dameshek]

Do women have to get fingerprinted as well if they were going to. I don't know, coach.

[Bald Bryan]

I assume it's everyone now. And that's what. That's what makes it completely insane. What's not insane is DraftKings, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Insanely fun.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. DraftKings.com. you pick your team in minutes and you win big cash. Got 5 million bucks. They're whacking up a few ways, but you get your share.

[Brian Bishop]

That's no joke. I actually won a few bucks last week or this past few days. This weekend. Playing daily fantasy sports. I drafted my team and it's like any fantasy sport. You can spend a ton of time researching or you can just pick your team in a few seconds. And the next thing you know, you're in a competition against a few other people. And if you win, you win money.

[Bald Bryan]

True story. Dude won 100,000 bucks first time out. Dawson. Enter the promo code Adam and double your deposit. That's dollar for dollar, double what you put in when you enter the promo code Adam. DraftKings.com for your Love of sports. Sports can win you cash today. That's DraftKings.com all right, Lisa Lampanelli is going to be on the blower any second now. Gary's pulling it up. Love me some Lisa Lampanelli. I just have an affinity for this woman. Lisa.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Adam. How are you?

[Bald Bryan]

Great to speak to you, baby girl. Where are you calling from?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

At home in New York. I'm so happy. I haven't talked to you since hardly right after the Apprentice.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Well, I saw you. You were nice enough to come out to our Ventura show and I saw how much weight you lost and I assume that was sort of toward the beginning of the massive weight loss phase of your life.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

What are. Where you at now?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I lost 107 pounds.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. Couldn't do 110, huh?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I know, I'm a real fuck up.

[Bald Bryan]

Come on.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

107 pounds. Geez.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, dude. That is 17 Sarah Jessica Parkers right there.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow, that is unbelievable. Now, did you have the lap band or what? Surgery? What procedure did you have?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, we didn't get lap band. My husband, Jimmy Big Balls also got surgery. It's called the gastric sleeve, which basically is a complicated way of sounding. Like all they do is cut out most of your stomach so you can't eat like a fucking hog. So basically it just limits your food intake and you just eat a little bit and you're satisfied. And Jimmy lost £90 and none of them in the sack, which sucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's horrifying because, like by proportion, now they look even bigger. Like a couple of freaking throw pillows and a doggy bed. It's disgusting.

[Bald Bryan]

No, it's true. If you took ox balls and put them on a cocker spaniel, they would look big. And if you put them on a Tyrannosaurus rex, they wouldn't look that big. It's all relative. How is Jimmy big balls?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I actually think they got bigger, to be honest with you, because I sort of eyeballed those things from a distance and I think God hates me so much now that I'm thinner because I'm so freaking stunningly beautiful that he made the balls bigger to make my life miserable.

[Bald Bryan]

The show, by the way, Club Nokia, June 22. That's coming up Saturday. Saturday. It's coming up Saturday. Yeah, yeah. Club Nokia, 7 o' clock and 9:30. That kind of draw two shows. Yeah. It's such a big deal.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I'm a little bit overwhelmed because you and I have talked about this where you're very excited when they say, oh, let's add a second show. And you're excited at the moment because you're like, oh, wow, look how popular I am. Then you want to kill yourself because you have to do two shows.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. And then if you work with Mike August, you'll add a third show three nights in a row.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. Because you know what? He's a money grubbing. He.

[Bald Bryan]

Right, I know he's money grubbing. Wap. That's like a dumb money grubbing. He says his whole thing is like, why should I leave money or potato skins on the table? That's his thing. He literally just. He sits in the green room and eats.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It is nice to make the money, but then you just go, oh my God. And you know, the second show is always better just because you're loopy and you're funnier when you're loopier. So, you know. And also you're angrier because now that I can't eat out of anger, it all comes out on stage. So by that second show, I'm gonna be hilarious.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. There is a. There is a moment and I don't know, Lisa, if you have someone middle or open or come out and do whatever for you and kill a couple of minutes or it's just all lamp and alley.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, I have a guy who does 15 minutes and people go, who is he? I'm like, what do you care? You never heard of him, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So you come out and do about an hour, hour and 10.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I do an hour 10. He does 15. I call him the time killer. Literally. And then I just, I go for it. And you know, to be honest, Adam, let's be real. Like, we love what we do, blah, blah, friggin blah. But just flying out there for one day and then coming back, I'm like, oh my. Can I just like retire right now?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And does it make you mad when you come through the door and like Jimmy Big Balls is sitting on the bed watching Jodi Arias trial needing bon

[Lisa Lampanelli]

bons oh, yes, yes. Yes, it does. Well, actually, it used to. I've settled with the fact we had a big discussion last Labor Day because as you know, Jimmy doesn't labor. He basically, I'm the husband, I'm the earner. And I go, wait a minute. This is why I married him. I wanted somebody to be the wind beneath my wings. I wanted this guy who stays at home and is here when I call. What the hell am I bitching about and trying to change them. So basically, as of last Labor Day, we haven't had one argument, no lie. Because I go, honey, you're lazy and shiftless and I'm in the C word. If we accept these things about each other, then we'll have a happy life. So it all worked out.

[Bald Bryan]

I wish. You know what? I'm going to adopt that because I do this. And tell me if you've ever done this one. Now, see, sometimes there's a time difference when you're traveling, but you're on the road, you're doing two shows, sometimes three shows, and you do that thing where in between shows, you call your loved one. And for me, I do the one where I go, hey, Lynette, let me say goodnight to the twins before I go out and do the second show. And she goes, I'm eating sushi with Jody. And I go, oh, yeah, like you're

[Lisa Lampanelli]

not even watching the kids.

[Bald Bryan]

I wanted you. Now tell me if this makes me a bad person. I want my wife to run in place for the 90 minutes I'm up on stage.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I absolutely agree with that. Yes, totally. I'm not even running place. Let the bitch run down the block and risk getting mugged? That's what I say. Let her see the hell that we go through on the road. This Jimmy Big Balls. Oh, my own. I call home and he's like, oh, I'm out at the. The pool. I'm smoking a cigar. Because we live in a place, you know, I'm sure you have a nice house too, where you got a pool on the roof, this and that. So it kind of hurts my feelings a little that he's not suffering.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. Here's what you want. I'll play Jimmy Big Balls. You call me in between the 7 o' clock and 9:30 show, Club Nokia. I'll be, you know, back in New York. So it's going to be like, you know, 11:30 or so for me. And here's what you want out of Jimmy Big Ball.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Okay.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, I'll pick up.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Hey. Okay, go ahead.

[Bald Bryan]

Hello, Hello?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Honey, how you doing?

[Bald Bryan]

Oh. Oh, hi, sweetie. Wow, I can hear you getting thinner over the phone. Sorry, I'm out of. Out of breath. I've been pushing a Swiffer around the condo the whole time. A little winded. Let me shut it down. Anyway, I've been using some Brasso polishing up that bust of yours by the shrine. Anyway, what's going on? How's it going over there? Anything you need? The bed's gonna be turned down. I'm gonna put a mint on it for when you get back. I'm gassing up the suv. I'm gonna meet you at the airport. Doesn't matter what time you come in. And again, I'm pushing a Swiffer. Out of breath, but go ahead.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

God, Adam, I'm getting moist. I swear to God. Because there's no way any of this is happening.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, you know what? I had the TV on while I was pushing the Swiffer around for a minute, but I thought, that's burning kilowatts and I'm here to burn calories. I know it's pretty late. I said I'd stop at midnight night.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, you know what, honey? I'm very proud of you. Did you hose down the deck? That's what I wanted.

[Bald Bryan]

I scrubbed the deck. I did all the patio furniture. I want to make it nice. The weather's so beautiful. And what I did, I started. I know you like sun tea. So now the problem was is it got dark, so I put a grow light on it. Okay, but I know you. I got the lifting bags in there. They're steeping right now, so I want to make sure they're perfect for you. When you come back from Newark, I know you're going to be tired, so I've gone ahead right now.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oni. If that shit isn't decaf, we got ourselves a freaking problem. Because it says right in the prenup that I need.

[Bald Bryan]

Absolutely. It's been removed.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

The rider. Did you get the rider?

[Bald Bryan]

Triple sock filtered decaf out. Sun tea, Grow light, nighttime pillow fluffed. I'm actually working on. I just took the dust ruffle and the duvet off the California Queen and I washed it in Woolite. But it's air drying right now. I'm using the grow light to dry. I'm sorry, I'm doing push ups now, so I'm sorry if I sound a little bit winded.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, you sound good. Honey, I tell you, if you continue acting like this, I will have to stop banging those black guys on the road.

[Bald Bryan]

You do what you got to do. I just got some new lint rollers in. I just got them on Amazon. I'm going over the drapes in the entry hall right now. Okay. I'll be going to bed when the sun comes up.

[Brian Bishop]

All right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

All right, honey. I love you.

[Bald Bryan]

All right. No one's funnier. This has been a wonderful reenactment.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Wouldn't that feel great if that happened? I would be so. You know, that's the thing. That's the greatest thing about Jimmy, though. He is the type who. He won't do all that, but he will do anything I ask, which women need to ask the guy to do. You don't expect the guy to notice it himself and read your mind. That's just a cunt move. You have to really spell it out. And also, he does push the Swiffer around. That's his big thing.

[Bald Bryan]

He enjoys it. Yeah, I like that.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, he does enjoy the lint brush, too, I must say.

[Bald Bryan]

I like the lint roller, too. I feel like it needs to be easier for me to peel it and get to the next one. I feel like. I feel like it turns too easy. I struggle with it a little bit, but there's nothing more satisfying than rolling. It's like you're being massaged while you're getting rid of cat hair.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, it's so much fun. And, you know, I love that you actually know what a lint roller is, because most men do not know this. This is very. You're nice and whipped. I like this.

[Bald Bryan]

I am. I would like a nice lint roller porthole that I could just slide my whole body through. You know what I mean? Just go one end through the. Out the other. Every day before I left the house, just right through the porthole of the lint roller. Just made of hundreds of small lint rollers. It just rolled me.

[Dave Dameshek]

Like how you like a car that you drive through the car wash?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Like, yeah, I just get a die. I just. I just get on my belly. I'd use one of those conveyor belts they use at the airport for the security and just go right through it, and it'd make that bling sound when I got to the other side of it. So, Nate.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Totally. I smell an idea for Shark Tank right there.

[Bald Bryan]

You will. I love that. I love that show. I can't get enough of that. Shark Tank. So the show, by the way, tickets [e-mail] that is this Saturday. You'll fly in on Saturday, do the two shows, and fly out on, like, A Sunday morning.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, yeah. You know what I learned from you? Because I remember when we were doing the Apprentice together, I said to you something like. I go, oh, yeah, Adam, I usually fly in the day before, so I'm nice and ready. You go, I fly in at six o' clock the night of the show. I'm not wasting any time in some godforsaken town. And I go, what have I been doing with my life? I've been killing days in these stupid cities. The hell would it I learned I changed my whole life after meeting you. I now fly in day of. And guess what? If the goddamn plane gets canceled, fuck em all. Then I stay home.

[Bald Bryan]

God's will force majeure. It's always funny when you're talking to the club owner and you're like, well, honestly, who wants to spend another second in this shit box? And they go, I'm raising my family here. You're like, oh, ye. No, not. Yeah, no, no. Addison, Texas, a fine town. No, no reflection when I say shitbox, I say it in a loving way.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. I always say to the girl, like, who's blowing out my hair? I go, why the fuck do you live here? Like, what's wrong with you? And then I remember, oh, my God, they have families here. They were actually born here. And you feel like kind of a shithole. But then again, we're right. We're definitely right.

[Bald Bryan]

It is weird when you go to all these little places and you watch the local news and you just see the chick who's, you know, putting the hard boiled E into the continental breakfast buffet, and you're like, what are you doing? What goes on? And then there's a part of me that wants to just flip around, pull their shirt off and see the battery pack behind him, because I'm convinced they're all just cast so I won't start getting suspicious in my role in life. You know what I mean? Like, do they really exist or do they go into some huge closet and wait for you to come back?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, I know. Well, you know, I love these towns. Like Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Like, places that don't even have, like, a good airport.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Why do. Why are agents such douchebags that they even make us go there? Like, it's bad enough we have to play different big cities, but really, Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, you listen, you're talking to DeKalb, Illinois.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Northern Illinois. Mansfield, Pennsylvania. Flew into Mansfield, Pennsylvania.

[Brian Bishop]

You sound like Larry King.

[Bald Bryan]

That was the worst. Lisa, have you ever had any one of those moments where you just kind of went like, wow. I don't normally feel sorry for myself, but I do sort of feel sorry for myself at this particular point.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, that would mean I normally don't feel sorry, which is untrue. I usually feel sorry for self, but I always have. I'm always the chick who has, quote, unquote, nothing to complain about. Like, nobody. You're not allowed pain. If you're successful, you're not allowed to say, oh, my God, I'm really tired, or, oh, my God, I'm upset with my career, or whatever. Because they're like, you've got nothing to bitch about with your fucking career. Well, compare me to somebody really famous, and I got a lot to freaking complain about. Okay, where's my private plane? I remember one day I was talking to Chelsea Handler, right? And I had just gotten my doggie, and I said to her, oh, you know, you should really get your dog a surge vest so your dog can fly for free. And she goes, oh, I fly private. I'm like, oh, I'm a dick.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, no, believe you me, Atlantic City Leno flew in on a Saturday night, did the show, flew out on a Saturday night. I was lucky enough to catch a ride with him, but the schedule was we were going to drive from Atlantic City the following morning, Sunday morning, to Philly, drop off the rental car, and fly southwest with a stopover in St. Louis. That that's what it was going to be. Instead, it was me on a plane with Jay Leno, wondering why he didn't drink. Like, I was like, it's Saturday night. It's 2am you just did a show. Shouldn't you have at least one of these mini bottles? We're on an airplane. Isn't it FAA law that you have to open one of these little mini bottles of rum, and then you feel self conscious about your drinking, where you're like, I don't normally drink five of these, but I'm just gonna have another one.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, like, it's even worse now because when we got the surgery, everybody just assumed we'd eat healthy, you know? So now the fact is we can eat small amounts. So we eat small amounts of fun food. Like, we'll eat a ton of protein, but we'll also have, like, two bites of dessert. Now everybody looks at us like we just fucked their mother. It's like, no, no, no. We're allowed to have a bite of a chocolate chip cookie, you douchebags. I hate that because I feel like I'm being judged on a plane.

[Bald Bryan]

But Your weight now is. Are you, are you there? Are you at your goal? Is there any. Oh yeah, there's no not moving anywhere.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, I'm sorry. I never had a goal. I just wanted to like do it and see where I ended up up. And I lost about 40 more than I thought I was going to lose. And then it stopped about four months ago. So both of us are at the place we're going to stay. It's awesome, man. It's like the best thing ever. Except like I said, you can't eat emotionally, so your anger just comes out disproportionately at usually it's usually with Asians. I usually do a lot of yelling at Asians.

[Bald Bryan]

You know, I found they're one of the better breeds to yell at.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, yeah. What are they really going to do? Back to you. You know, in the old days I used to be afraid of the martial arts, but now they're a little more docil like it.

[Bald Bryan]

It is weird. When I was in high school I was convinced every Asian, even like elderly women were third degree black belts. And there was something about the show Kung Fu scared the shit out of all. Simple investment for any Asian kid would be just those little black slip on shoes that all the martial artist guys would wear. If you saw that was, that was basically the we're not going to f with you shoe. That's all you need. It was a weird thing. Now that UFC has taken over, not so much. Lisa Lampanelli, by the way, is a TV show called Bounty Hunters. It's an animated show. It's on cmt. Jeff Foxworthy, nice guy. Bill Engvall, Larry the cable guy. All in this and premieres July 13th as well. Her website, insultcomic.com. and you can hit her up at least Lamp and Alley. Hey, if you're gonna shoot her, tweet, Lisa, next time you're in town for more than 13 hours, let's, let's, let's come by and hang out and you know, let me see how little you can eat and then finish off whatever you can't eat.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, definitely. I would love to. Adam, I swear to God, man, you're one of my favorite people to talk to. Next time I speak to you, I'm coming in live. We're gonna talk about our feuds with Wendy Williams. That'll be fun.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, that'll be awesome. Awesome. Thanks, baby doll.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Love you, man.

[Bald Bryan]

Love you. Lisa Lampanelli. The great Lisa Lampanelli. Yeah, there is that thing of it's flattering when the first show goes fast and they go, hey, man, add a second show and it's like, it's flattering. And then you get to town and you're like, that's two shows and that's 90 fucking minutes each. But it's flattering, Flattering, flattering, flattering.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a nice referendum on your career. Stay in life.

[Bald Bryan]

It's just one of those. It's. It's one of those things in life where once you get used to doing two shows, then doing one show feels like nothing. And then once you get used to doing one show, two shows seems excruciating.

[Dave Dameshek]

What was the thing that August did where it was like you didn't want to do. You didn't want to do three days, so he did like five shows in two days or something like that. There was something where somehow the math did not work out in your favor?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he'll do that. He'll add, like I said, I was stupid. See, I never had. I didn't have an opener and I didn't have a middle. And also I figured if people paid for 90 minutes, you gotta give them 100 minutes, you know, and I would do it times three shows. So we went to Cobbs in San Francisco and it sold out. And we just kept adding, adding, adding, and then went out to place in Kirkland, Washington, and did the same thing, three plus three, and just kept adding and it's like, it's insane. It's too much. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Something Lisa said that I found really interesting. I think it's true across all careers, but especially in entertainment. I'm wondering if you have. I'm sure you do, and I'm wondering if you have the same thing you were saying. She's very successful and she is successful. She's one of the best in her field. But she always, wherever you are, you always measure yourself against the next person up on the rung.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

There's always that person in your mind or the next person down who's nipping at your heels or whatever it is. And it was just funny that she mentioned Chelsea Handler. I don't know if that's someone she missed herself against. But it's funny that everyone always has a person or two that's either right there themselves against or they hold themselves to that standard.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean? You know, it really comes down to net jets. It really does, all this going, right. It really does. Because the difference between in terms of doing the road or going out and doing like a one night stand, the difference between picking up and leaving that night. Like, I'm done with this show. I do not have to stay in this casino that I don't really want to stay in. I'm not going to go gamble alone. Down. We're going to go up to my room and beat off and have room service. Right? That's what we'll call it. And then the next morning, get up early and, like, drop off the rental car and then go through the airport and blah, blah, blah, blah. The part where you get to just go get onto that jet and go home that night, that's the big deal. That's. That's the difference. That's the pinnacle. And yes, and the drive happens to me. I've done it, I don't know, eight times in my life. It's not just, hey, it's my private jet. I can fart all I want. It's not that. It's. I will drive my car up to the side of the jet, Somebody will throw my junk in the jet, and they'll throw them the car keys.

[Dave Dameshek]

You don't feel like you've been through hell by the time you get somewhere?

[Bald Bryan]

No. When you land, you walk off the jet and you walk into your car, and then you just drive out some gate behind the airport. It's not the actual flight part, the time and the thing. That's none of that.

[Brian Bishop]

It's nice, but it's not what makes it amazing.

[Dave Dameshek]

So what level do you have to get to to be there?

[Bald Bryan]

The NetJets thing is like, you know, so it's like, I don't even ask because it's 10,000 bucks. Yeah, but it's pay by the hour, but you have to buy in for, like, 20 hours. And then it's this bullshit thing where it's like, well, it's $2,000 an hour, and you go flying to New York, but it's $3,500 to get the jet out. So you're like, well, is it too. It's kind of like saying the paint job for your car is 500. $500. And you go, okay. And they go, and another 500 for hardening catalyst. And you're like, well, that's part of the paint. No, no, that's additional separate. And then you go, well, it's got to harden, right? Like, they can't be wet. It's going to get leaves and shit stuck to it. Right? Yeah, the paint job's 500. Harden catalyst. It's like, just call 1,000 bucks. So it's like 3,500 bucks for them to pull the jet out, and at least you're in. At least that. And then it's, you know, ten grand an hour, eight grand an hour. Something insane. Something you would never do unless you

[Dave Dameshek]

had fuck you money. Fuck me money.

[Bald Bryan]

You're only flying to the place in Atlantic City to make money. It's not of the love of the craft. You know, Jon Stewart's 50 years old. He's not going there to, you know. He's going there to. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry. If we. A net gain. Part of the pun. There should be a net gain at the end of the day.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Now, ironically, when you get into the club where they're paying you 150, 200, 250,000, you know, sort of, I don't know, Bill Cosby, whoever, when you get in that club, they'll give you the jet. They'll provide the jet for you. And then that's when it becomes, you know, get an opener, maybe get a middle open. So you end up doing 50 minutes. They provide the jet, you're home that night. It becomes very light lifting versus bring your own pillow, like I do because the hotel pillows always suck.

[Brian Bishop]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dave Dameshek]

Speaking of nothing related to that. I switched seats. Look at me now.

[Bald Bryan]

You're much worse. I'm giving you a chance to fix that. I'm going to give you a chance to fix that. First, you need a little hit of tongue space. Tonks, Coffee. We. We polished off all our tonks over here. Do we not? T o n X. Yeah, we're back to the crappy stuff. These guys are fanatical about delivering the best beans in the world. Sourced direct from the growers, then roasted and shipped within 24 hours. Probably on the netjets sitting next to Juan Valdez and his donkey.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know why we're not making money.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way, Juan Valdez, picking the beans in the water. White suit. This doesn't seem like bean picking. Not practical. Every two weeks, you'll get a batch of incredible beans roasted to perfection. They send them here, we just gobble them all up. Unbelievable. And I talk to these guys. They're incredible snobs when it comes to coffee. Maybe. Overall, I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Everything in their life it could be.

[Bald Bryan]

Snobs about movies, literature, dance, as I am, but at least coffee. And that's where Paige for you, because I said, oh, what if there's something you like? He said, if it's out of season, it's out of season. They don't have it. It's not fresh. You're not getting it. It's only the best. It's like a restaurant that just goes, I don't care if you want brook trout. We can't get the best brook trout. So you don't. It's off the menu. They'll give you the best catch of the day in the form of coffee and you. I'll tell you what. Why don't we retroactively. We just missed Father's Day, but hey, hell. Want a surprise, dad?

[Brian Bishop]

It's going to be another Father's Day. About 12 months.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, give him a gift four or five days after Father's Day. Get a subscription for dad. Get one for you. You get the free arrow Press. That's thirty dollars normally. Set you back thirty bucks. Makes a coffee the best. Just go to t o n x.orgtonks.org Adam Prices better than the coffee houses and it's just a superior product. All right, Dave Damashek's waiting in the wings. We gotta go get him. Let's go get Shaq. Bring him in.

[Brian Bishop]

Next,

[Bald Bryan]

It's time for Nicaraguan Name that movie with Adam's buddy Oswaldo. See if you can guess which movie this famous line is from. Neil before Sa. If you said Superman 2 kneel before Zod, you're correct. Now back to the show. Good times. Dave Damaschek in studio.

[Adam Carolla]

He's brought his blaster Ace company What a pleasure.

[Bald Bryan]

Always a treat. Treat when Dave Damaschek comes by. By the way, you can find his podcast Dave Damaschek football program. Get it on itunes and website davedamashek.NFL.com Twitter amishek.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. May I say Ace if I can self promote. We just did. The other day I had Warren Sapp, soon to be hall of Famer. In fact, I guess he's in the hall of Fame just now. Needs the gold jacket. And Mike Silver, the great football writer in there. It was a great. And now Earl Thomas, the great safety of the Seahawks. Good guest rolling in there. The only one we miss. Adam.

[Bald Bryan]

Carolla, I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I need to get you the invite, but it's a little weird because Eisen won't be. He'll be cool about it, but I feel weird because you've been on Eisen's thing a few times, so. But I'm sure he's willing to share.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm. I'm fine with it. I do. Everyone's.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I did.

[Bald Bryan]

I did a show today I never even heard of.

[Brian Bishop]

I do.

[Bald Bryan]

Everything's based on proximity, you know what I mean? So, like, if there was a show called Dry Fisting and Friends and my publicist pitched it to me, I'd say, where is it? And she said, it's in Santa Monica. It's down. It's near. It's near Ocean Park. And then. And then Fourth Street, I'd be like, eh. But if it was in, you know, Glendale, I'd be like, all right, I'll

[Adam Carolla]

bring the show to you. That's how. That's how great it would be. So I'm happily, I'm happy to come by and we can spin here. In fact, we could do an Allison Rosen and Bald Bryant and Ace Corolla special edition of my podcast.

[Dave Dameshek]

I would love that.

[Bald Bryan]

That would be good.

[Adam Carolla]

Why do you give it that to, you know what?

[Bald Bryan]

Bald Bryan, that's his job. Uh. Oh, the blasters out.

[Brian Bishop]

That's exactly not a good day to piss off.

[Adam Carolla]

It's on your whole. It's on your hip, too. It's the worst thing in the world when you have to turn it on yourself, you know?

[Bald Bryan]

You know, you do a fair amount of bad shows or shows that no one knows about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do. Oh, no, I do find out. They let me know about it when I've done it.

[Bald Bryan]

I do these shows all the time where people go, we're gonna have it up in about three days. We'll send you the link. And I'm always like. But I'm like, I never watch. I don't read anything. I don't watch anything. It's not gonna. I mean, I appreciate it. I understand what they're saying. And I never want to go, like, I'm never gonna look at this link that you're gonna send me. And it sounds wildly disrespectful, but I'm never gonna find it. I'm not gonna seek me out.

[Dave Dameshek]

When did you stop listening to this show?

[Bald Bryan]

Show? I've never heard. Never heard us.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that true? You've never listened to this podcast?

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you do the thing? Well, I was just going to ask you real quick, because that's interesting, but do you ever do the. The thing when they went. When a customer service person says, like, are you ready for your confirmation number? Here it is. It's 684. And you're like, yeah, hold 684. I pretend. Why do I indulge that? Like, I'm writing it down.

[Bald Bryan]

I feel if I don't need it, I don't do it. I do.

[Adam Carolla]

But I pretend I'm listening to it. But you've never heard this, this show?

[Bald Bryan]

No, I've had. I've had a conversation. No, I had a conversation today with the guy whose show I did Dry

[Dave Dameshek]

Fisting and Friends, something like that.

[Bald Bryan]

And I. The guy was perfectly nice and everyone was perfectly nice, but the discussion I had was, you should listen to yourself. Just like I said, look. Well, he said, well, you've done so much radio, you've had so many reps, you don't need to do this. I said, oh, no. If you were a novice golfer, you would benefit through watching videotape of your swing. And Tiger woods benefits from watching videotape of his swing. And I'm sure he does. I'm sure that's what makes these guys who they are. And there's no doubt in my mind that this show would be better if I listen to it. I just don't want to hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you do it in the car? So that's a nice way to listen

[Bald Bryan]

to me in the car.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what is sort of like the modern day version of that is people tweeting us things that we said they don't agree with. I mean, when you said that was stupid or whatever, you said it was wrong. Like, oh, that's my version of error checking now. Now people tell me when I say something stupid.

[Bald Bryan]

Back in the day, the worst day you'd ever have was doing the air check with the program director where you put your cassette in there, and they'd go, remember last time we did the air check about three weeks ago? Yeah. Remember we talked about rolling phone calls? Right. Remember we said we limit the personal stories and start. All right, this was Wednesday of last week. Let me just. This is just the beginning of the show and you're already like, all right, can I just fucking. Here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know where it's going.

[Bald Bryan]

Here we go. And he hits play. And it's some. First off, you sound like shit. You're telling some fucking long winded story. And then about six minutes in, he stops and goes, all right, you're now six minutes into the show. You've not given the call letters out, you've not told anyone what the name of the show is. You've not set up the guest, and you've still been talking about the exact same high school football story. And you've not taken one phone call. But let's continue listening. And you're like, it's so fucking exciting. Oh, it's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it all. But then if you do Air check yourself. I'll listen on occasion to the podcast just to hear how for exactly that reason, I'll sit. You know, if I have four people in the room at one time, if I'm managing it properly, I'll listen to it. And it. I just feel vain as I'll get out. I'm listening to myself. Heaven forbid somebody would notice. My iPhone is as a picture of me on it, listening to the Dave Damaschek football program. That's the worst. You've done it again, Dave.

[Bald Bryan]

Give it a 5 stars. I did have the. I have had my book on cassette or my audiobook. I have listened to that before. That I listened to. A, because I kind of enjoy it. B, because I forgot about all the stuff I talked about two years ago. And see, I only have, like, four or five downloaded books on my phone. And every once in a while, I'm just. It's usually me skimming through my phone on a flight or going on a walk or something, and I just come across it and I go, oh, let's listen to me. And that I will listen to and

[Dave Dameshek]

subscribe to this podcast.

[Bald Bryan]

Then it did happen. Not that often. It did happen on a flight where your picture pops up and takes up the whole screen. You know, number one. Number two, something happened where the headphone jack popped out, and it was just on as loud as it could be. And I was sitting next to someone, I was like. And another thing about this damn hibiscus tea, and I was scrambling, trying to push, turn it, like, make it go away as fast as possible. Because the notion of people sitting next to me on a flight, thinking, Carolla just listens to his own book when he's. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you listen to your audiobook before it came out? Sort of as a proofreading kind of thing, reading. You know what I mean? Like, did that sound like I wanted to.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. I don't know. Dawson, did we do that? I did. Oh, you did. And I said, is it good? And you said, fine. And that was good, right? There is. Yeah, there's always that. I was. I was wondering, though, there's always that

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

little bit of nervousness.

[Bald Bryan]

Did I miss something? No. So I was waiting when, you know, until everybody listened, and I was actually kind of on edge. You did a spectacular job. We did it right here. And Dawson did a fantastic job. And. No, I will listen to that on. On a. On a.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a good one that just apparently, to anybody would make me read as an asshole to Anybody who would happen to see me, I was in a bar recently and I'm doing on the NFL Network now. I do the, you know, the top 100 recap stuff like, ah, they're crazy that they voted that guy at 47. And so I'm sure. And I'm in a bar and it came on and it looks like, well, I mean, why would I be in that bar, people?

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah, the assumption. This.

[Adam Carolla]

This Damoshek jerk, he came in here to what. What a narcissist. He came to this bar knowing that the ni. He probably requested that they put NFL Network on just so he could be standing there as his tv. His. His ugly puss is on the face. His Semitic good looks notwithstanding, it's obnoxious.

[Dave Dameshek]

I always decided that if I was ever on a. Like JetBlue and a show that I was on came on the TVs while I was on the plane, I was gonna walk up and down the aisle. I mean, with looking as if I have a purpose, but just, you know, just because it used to.

[Bald Bryan]

Back in the day, a lot of sports bars, or I should say just bars and strip clubs and places like that that just had TVs sort of up above the pool tables. Their default setting was mtv. They would just put the TV on mtv. There's no super bowl or anything going on. And they weren't. Weren't a themed bar, like I said, a sports bar or Pittsburgh or Boston Bar or something. It was just a bar. They just leave it on mtv. And because it was like, videos will come up and fun visual stuff, and it's young and it's hip and it's whatever. And Loveline used to be on all the time. Like, if I'd be at a strip club or bar or whatever, you'd look up and it's an hour long every night, like. And it was on right at that. You know, it was on like 11:30 to 12:30, right after 120 minutes.

[Dave Dameshek]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, right where you. You'd kind of be sitting there. And that was always weird. I had a weird thing. I have a liquor store down the street from me House of Ambrose, and it's had Mangria for a number of months. And I just happen to have not gone in there and purchased any Mangria, because I get it here at quite a discount and very good. He knows a guy, I know a guy, knows a guy. And I was sitting home on a Thursday, Friday night or something, and I was like, I didn't have any Mangria. And I was like, I want some Mangria. And then I also thought, I want to go buy it. I think it'd be fun to go buy it. And then since I'd never set foot into that liquor store since it's been on the shelves, I wondered where they put it. Did they hide it? Is it up front? I wonder if someone's in there. Is anyone buying it? What if someone was buying it, I thought to myself. And I went and I parked and I looked in, and there was one car in the parking lot. It was about 10 o' clock at night, and there was one dude in the entire place. And I walked in and he was holding a bottle of Mangria. Literally standing there holding it, and he was reading the label, and I don't know if he was gonna buy or not.

[Dave Dameshek]

Did you try to put your face in front of his near the bottle?

[Bald Bryan]

I just walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. And he went like, hey. But not quite as satisfying as I needed it to be. Just like, hey. And I was like, hey. And he's like, that stinks.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy should have been.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wait, did he give you a. There you go.

[Bald Bryan]

He was a hipster. And I said, you look in that bottle? And he said, yeah. And I said, well, why don't you let me buy it for you? And he said, nice. All right. And I just went and bought it. I just bought my bottle and bought him a bottle. And by the way, last time I go out and buy a bottle, because it got out of that place, 41 bucks or something with tax. But the point is this. I hand it to him and he said, thanks. Thanks. But it was. Was. It was more of a. Was more of a game. A stick of gum or more of a.

[Dave Dameshek]

He does realize who you are, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he was. He did. But there's. I feel like people hit a certain level where it's all like, yeah, I went to high school with that guy. Except for this transcends. Oh, yeah, I went to high school with that guy to, holy shit. I'm holding the bottle and you're standing behind me. This is insane. Except for it never gets to that point.

[Adam Carolla]

You would think that that would go crazy. He'd go crazy on the same level. As I've said many times, times. The highlight, the single highlight of my life is just in front of the birth of my two children is the night that I was driving home and I saw a tow truck getting towed. I mean, I went crazy. I celebrated for the next year solid that it finally happened. That should have been his reaction.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

See?

[Dave Dameshek]

And I bet that was his reaction as soon as he got away, right? People think that, oh, I gotta be cool. Listen, no one.

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Dave Dameshek]

If you're ever recognizing someone, they do not want you to be cool.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Go all out.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Dave Dameshek]

Feed their ego.

[Bald Bryan]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Did I ever tell you about the sad irony? The same week the tow truck getting towed, same week, the squirter thing on my Windex, whatever you call that thing, wasn't working. Yeah. So I took it off. I had to take the thing off and just had to. I put it on the paper towel directly and would wipe stuff. Well, I had forgotten I had done that. And I bonked it by mistake and it spilled all over my floor. And it occurred to me as I was wiping it up, I was cleaning up. Cleaning agent. Not as good as the other side

[Bald Bryan]

of irony, you know? I know the other side of fame. I was at the track day before yesterday, Father's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

The track. What kind of track? Oh, race track, horse track?

[Bald Bryan]

No, it's fine, because I'm going to Fontana, do a race this weekend, so it'll be the car track, but this was the horse track. And up in the box there with Kimmel and this great family and walking back and forth between the bar and the buffet and all that. And at some point, this chick, sheepishly. She was, I don't know, 13, maybe. She was 16. I don't. I couldn't tell how old she was, but she was, like, with her dad, said, excuse me, me, we see you and Jimmy over there. And my daughter's a huge fan, and she's too shy to go say anything to Jimmy. But we. Obviously, we see you guys sitting there. Could we get a picture? And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll go. Yeah, come on, we'll go. And, you know, she's going, walk down, tap Jimmy on the shoulder. Jimmy, we got a fan over here. She wants a picture. Oh, thank you. She's had so much. Handed me the camera, put her arm around Jimmy. And the worst part is, everyone else at the table has to watch. And there's always the people that feel bad, like, let me take. Let me take. You know, the people that. You know, that move where people. Let me.

[Dave Dameshek]

That's almost work.

[Adam Carolla]

Say.

[Bald Bryan]

So you get in.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Or at least you don't have to do that. Sit down. No, no, I got it. But then the thing kept going off, and then I kept handing it back to her, and she kept turning it back on and handing it back to me. And. And then people were obviously uncomfortable doing. No, no, you don't have to. It was one of those. Yeah. Now, I don't know that I was tapped on the shoulder as a way to get in to go see Jimmy. Cause they saw us sitting across from each other and talking the whole time. But I assumed that they thought that they recognized me. I didn't know if it was just a pure. I was gonna mule them in and I was nothing more than just hollowed out fuel tank on a Ford F150. And you're a couple of illegals trying to get into the country. Is that what I am to you?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I mean, listen, I don't want to break the bad news, but I feel like that was the case.

[Bald Bryan]

That was the case.

[Dave Dameshek]

That may have been.

[Bald Bryan]

It was definitely the case.

[Adam Carolla]

At least acknowledge.

[Brian Bishop]

And also.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, I gotta get one with you while we're here. Aso, we gotta.

[Dave Dameshek]

Because if they recognized you, they would have asked someone they saw talking to you and Jimmy.

[Bald Bryan]

I think so anyway. No one now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry that happened.

[Bald Bryan]

You'll never get over the sting of having a camera handed to you. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what'll help. Hulu, baby. Hulu and Roku. Hulu. Thousands of shows, wherever you want, whenever you want. Favorite current shows, Shows like Park and Rec and A Community and Modern Family. Peru. Jimmy Kimmel Live. Peru. That's a show.

[Adam Carolla]

Taboo.

[Bald Bryan]

Ah, Taboo is a show. Post her up. Family Guy plus Classics, all on Hulu Plus. And it's connected. You get to connect to your TV there. Use your game consoles. Blu Rays, Roku Poo Poo platter, Roku Apple TV you watch from anywhere on your smartphone or your tablet. 7. I've said this once, said it again. Say a thousand times. Tablet. Simultaneously. The oldest and newest thing on the planet. Planet, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Nothing older than a tablet. Nothing newer than a tablet. 7.99amonth. But my list,

[Adam Carolla]

that reminds me of the 10 Commandment Tablets.

[Bald Bryan]

7.99amonth. My listeners get a special extended free trial. Go to hulu plus.com adam or click on the hulu plus [e-mail] all right, Shaq, let's do some sports, shall we?

[Adam Carolla]

Hit it, bald. It's time for Dave D's Number one Sports. Number one sports.

[Bald Bryan]

Do it, Dave.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm a pro. I didn't know we were going to talk about sports today. But we'll talk about it anyway. Like people. So what? I don't have a word written down in Front of me. That mean that precludes us from having a conversation about athletics? Let me ask you this. I asked this to Warren Sapp the other day and now I'm gonna ask you because he's an athlete. And so now if I asked him. Now we're talking about sports, right? What? I asked him this. And I now ask the three of you, if you had to lose one of your five senses, what would it be?

[Bald Bryan]

Let's define what they are. Sight.

[Adam Carolla]

Sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste, taste.

[Bald Bryan]

Taste. Let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

And let's assume in this hypothetical that if you lose smell, you get to keep taste. Even though every. That's one of those ones everybody has to point out to you, right? Oh, no, maybe, you know, if you lose smell, you can't. Well, listen, I'm just, I'm not actually gonna take one of your five senses, so you're off the hook.

[Bald Bryan]

All right.

[Dave Dameshek]

Goodbye, taste.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I'd say goodbye taste.

[Adam Carolla]

Goodbye taste.

[Bald Bryan]

What kind of thing, what kind of losing my weight? What life do you have if you lose your taste? Interesting. I'd say goodbye smell. Smell is the obviously double edged sword. And if you can keep your taste

[Dave Dameshek]

of fabric softener too much to say goodbye.

[Bald Bryan]

If you can keep your taste and say goodbye to smell. But the same thing with hearing and speech, you know, if you could lose your hearing but not sound like you're holding your tongue when you were talking,

[Dave Dameshek]

that's your dream, isn't it?

[Bald Bryan]

I'd like to lose the hearing and keep the speech

[Adam Carolla]

you have. You wouldn't have the, the affectation in your voice for the hearing impaired. You would, you would maybe go without the. That really would be ideal for you. Wow, that would be great.

[Bald Bryan]

The ultimate. First off, I'd have the ultimate excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

You try already because you do the thing. I don't know if it's subconscious or not, but you, but when you talk often and you're. And you and you get into a monologue, you will close your eyes a little bit because then it removes the distraction of somebody. Because you can always see somebody whining up to say something when your eyes are closed. Of course you miss that. So maybe that's why you do that in the first place.

[Bald Bryan]

I close my eyes because things distract me so greatly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

That they pull my attention and they steal my focus.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, that's what I'm saying, basically. So now this would be. You wouldn't have the ultimate interruption. Somebody else was something to say.

[Bald Bryan]

But this scent is easy if you don't connect it to Taste. I know. Alice crapping, but we don't have to smell her crap.

[Adam Carolla]

I completely agree with you, ace. But it is fine. Funny, some people say touch, some people feel like that touch would be gone. Of course, you would never know that. You would never know the touch of a woman again. But here's the only thing. If you are so in love with Roadhouse and Dalton's Way and his philosophies, pain don't hurt. You could actually say that and mean it, and you wouldn't feel pain. And, you know, if somebody. You know, they, like, if somebody stabbed you in the back, literally, you wouldn't know it and you'd be all right. So you wouldn't have to wait. You wouldn't be aware.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you'd be all right. No, you wouldn't be.

[Adam Carolla]

It would take you all to be aware. Yeah, you'd be.

[Bald Bryan]

I think you're working this the wrong way because you.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with me? I don't feel so. I. You wouldn't say, I don't feel so good. You should be like, huh, I don't know. My legs aren't working now. Everything's going black. And then it would be over. You wouldn't have to deal with the pain of it.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, no, the pain is good because when you eat very hot soup, you're supposed to go, like, right. Because otherwise you're gonna burn the top of your. But now you'd be constantly walking around with burns and stabilizers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just playing devil's advocate. I'm just trying to. People threw touch at me. I was stunned by it. Like, I say.

[Dave Dameshek]

Wait, I have a question. Are we each saying which one we will get rid of, or are we figuring out which is the best. Best one to lose?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Which one you want to get rid of then?

[Dave Dameshek]

I'm not shooting on anyone's point by saying, personally, I would say goodbye to taste.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be a weight loss. Obviously, it would cause great weight loss, but it's the pleasure of life that's. To not be able to taste food. You don't watch sports now. You already don't watch sports. That's gone, right? So now what do you have?

[Dave Dameshek]

Is that all there is for you? Sports and food?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, I've said it before. I don't like to talk about it all the time. I don't like to just, like, hammer the point into the ground. But I am a surprisingly vigorous lover, and I would not want to. I mean, not even so much for me. I wouldn't want to take that away from women. From women. You know, because I am the love skunk, after all. That's the problem with me.

[Bald Bryan]

There's the scent part again.

[Adam Carolla]

There, see? Here's what happened. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Do you know that about me, Allison? The love skunk?

[Dave Dameshek]

You've mentioned it. No, no, no.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know.

[Dave Dameshek]

You're the love skunk. You've mentioned.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

This is what.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the dynamic. Dynamic. I'm a surprisingly vigorous lover, like I mentioned earlier. I'm semitically attractive. And, you know, I. You know, I have some nice things on my resume. Like, I've seen a tow truck get towed, so.

[Dave Dameshek]

And you cleaned up the cleaning agent.

[Adam Carolla]

The package draws them in, then things go afoul, and then they move on. You know, invariably, then three months, maybe six months, maybe even a year and a half later, they think they're over. As soon as the breakup happens, they're like, ah, I. I got his stink on me. I gotta give me the tomato. The tomato juice. And they take their bath, and then they get the industrial soaps and they lather him up and good, he's gone. He's done. But then, like I say, year and a half, maybe two later, all of a sudden, what is that? Oh, no. Still got me. That's how it goes with me. Keep your distance, Rosen. You're only a woman.

[Bald Bryan]

Gary, half to fine. I think there is an Aerosmith album called Pump where there's a tow truck towing a tow truck.

[Brian Bishop]

No, really, I think it's an old timey pickup truck.

[Bald Bryan]

It's old timey, but I think they may be two tow trucks. Maybe we can take a look. You better hope Stevie Tyler didn't beat you to this one, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

In the meantime, while he looks for that. Do you know. Also, you know. You know the mythology of Medusa, right?

[Dave Dameshek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

When men look into her eyes, they turn the stone.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. It's not quite. It's close, but it's not quite.

[Adam Carolla]

When women look me directly in the eyes, they turn to mush.

[Bald Bryan]

Mush.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So let's not make. Don't let me. Don't let me turn it up to 11 to look, you know, don't do it. I am.

[Bald Bryan]

She's an engaged woman.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't do that.

[Bald Bryan]

I respect her. But he's not. Did you bring your blaster, by the way? And were you at the bar the night I drove off the tow truck? Because that's the greatest night of My life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I was. I forgot about that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. You saw a tow truck being towed. I drove off of a tow truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's better. You're more man than me.

[Bald Bryan]

So what do you want? It was one of the greatest moments of my life. With an assist from Crazy Tom Stern.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been in the ring mixing it up with a. With an actual pug. With Pernell Whitaker, wasn't it? I wouldn't do that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, Layman Brewster.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that who it was?

[Bald Bryan]

I thought it was Sweet Pee Lame. No, Layman Brewster knocked out one of the Klitschkos and one of the craziest fights ever. That seems like now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right. But that's not in the man show. Who you fought. That wasn't. That wasn't him. You fought. You fought. You fought a guy who was really super fast and to the point that you're like. Like, I was going as hard as I could. And he was. And at the end, you're like, hey, that was pretty good, right? And he said, well, I was. I was going half speed.

[Bald Bryan]

I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the speed was crazy.

[Bald Bryan]

I will come up with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was Sweet Pea, maybe.

[Bald Bryan]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was Mark Breland.

[Adam Carolla]

I dang it.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, Mark Breland. Brian. What movie? Mark Breland, Sons of Discipline.

[Brian Bishop]

Holy shit.

[Bald Bryan]

You remember that movie?

[Brian Bishop]

No, that's fairly obscure.

[Bald Bryan]

No, well, not at the time. It was a big. It was a regular size big. I don't know. Sons of Discipline something. Lords of Discipline. Lords of Discipline. Starring David Keith. Not Keith David or whatever. That guy. Remember that guy?

[Adam Carolla]

The guy who does the voiceover for 90% of everything that requires a voiceover now.

[Bald Bryan]

Is that him? Yeah. There was Lords of Discipline.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, you're right. The white guy is the one who. Who hangs himself in Officer in a.

[Bald Bryan]

General. David Keith. Right. I think that is the guy. Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Keith David is the VO guy.

[Bald Bryan]

Right, right. You can scroll down. 1983 had a few people whose names you may.

[Adam Carolla]

Rick Rozovich.

[Bald Bryan]

Goose.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, not Goose. Slider from Top Gun.

[Brian Bishop]

Young Judge Reinhold.

[Bald Bryan]

Yep, yep. And Mark Braille.

[Brian Bishop]

What year was this?

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Paxton. G.D. spradlin.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What a cast star. Studded.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, Kalin's dad. Our own Kaylin's dad, Michael Bean. Why haven't I seen this movie? It's not a bad movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Immediately.

[Adam Carolla]

Rick Rozovich's character's name was Dante. Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Now, Allison, why do you have to

[Brian Bishop]

bring it to that level? I don't understand.

[Dave Dameshek]

Because I'VE never seen you get this excited.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, Read the, read the buy on the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this about boxing?

[Bald Bryan]

No, it's about a military academy.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's a great movie. A bald. There's a good, a good overlap for us. A movie redundancy. David Keith is in a military academy in two movies, Officer and a Gentleman, in which he hangs himself. And this one.

[Bald Bryan]

How about that?

[Adam Carolla]

We just found one diamond unearthed. If you listen to this show, Carolla, these are the things you would hear.

[Bald Bryan]

It dealt with racism, but not 60s. Yeah, it was a pretty good movie. I don't know what it's sitting at at Rotten Tomatoes. It'd be interesting. Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, I'm the only one saw the movie. I haven't seen it. I'd say it's probably high 50s, low 60s or something like that on Rotten Tomatoes. Anyway, Mark Breland, gold medal winning. I believe Mark Breland did a real good acting job in this movie. Oh, it's only 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Dave Dameshek]

I just realized something important to me, which is on Facts of Life, Pam Adlon's character made up a gang and that's why she had to. She wanted protection money, the whole thing. And the name of the gang was the Lords of Discipline. It probably was around 83. I never understood.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow, he pilfered it right from this movie. Well, anyway, now you guys got your homework for tonight. Discipline. And Mark Braylon, who I believe Olympic gold medalist. I believe he was a guy who was middleweight or welterweight or super middleweight. I mean, he moved around a little bit. At some point. He was, I don't know, 35 and 2 or something. He got beat by one of these guys. Real nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he. Did you just say he won a gold medal? I think he did. I think that's right.

[Bald Bryan]

He won a gold medal and he won it right around this time. And he was, he was very good or very believable in this movie. I don't know how many times you have Olympic boxers. How weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because 83. Now, now, now all of a sudden I'm sucked into this conversation because it wouldn't have been 80 because they, because they don't go to Moscow. The US skips out on that. So was he maybe one of those guys who's the sports version of a tragic guy who didn't get his shot because 84 would have been here in LA then when he, when he won gold.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know. We're going to look it up. In the meantime, I'm going to tell you about GoToMeeting? That's right. Teamwork, baby. That's what you need is a box. Oh, damn it. Picked an individual sport. Crap. All right. We'll take a sport like bowling.

[Adam Carolla]

Olympic team.

[Bald Bryan]

That's a. Damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Bryan]

There's other sports.

[Brian Bishop]

There's other sports.

[Bald Bryan]

I got this one. Skeet shooting is a sport where. Damn it. All right. I can't. I know. The point is there's team sports out there. None come to mind right now.

[Brian Bishop]

You're 100% right about it. There are team sports.

[Bald Bryan]

There are team sports. Definitely team sports out there. And go to meeting. It's a way to get the team together, you know, like archery. My man's just one of these things. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Just like bad luck.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I just can't come up.

[Dave Dameshek]

Keep trying.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like when your mind gets on that track.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Bryan]

Like swimming. Not the relay. Oh, that felt. Would have been. Yeah, I could have. All right, you were right there. I was right there. Go to meeting with HD Faces brought to you by Citrix. You can share the screen. You can work on documents in real time. He won a golden 84. Yes. Must have been middleweight about that time. Let's see. Gold. Oh, welterweight. I was just about to interrupt and

[Adam Carolla]

say welter, but sure.

[Bald Bryan]

But still a good idea not to rely on your instincts. Webcam, you can see everything. I mean, in general, just in terms of overall life. Batting average as me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not one. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I got a contest for you guys. If you could go to meeting with anyone, I'd say Mark Burton. This guy is an actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds good.

[Bald Bryan]

Actors.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the great movies of our lives, apparently.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. That you guys haven't seen or support. I guess you don't support ethnic cultures and arts that way. I do. That's me.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael Bean. Not a fan.

[Brian Bishop]

Free Terminator. Michael Biehn, too.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, so who would you tweet, dead or alive? Who would you meet? Who would you meet using GoToMeeting? Tweet us your answer at acewebcam and GoToMeeting. The winner is going to get a Logitech HD webcam to use with your GoToMeeting and autograph swag and more. And we're going to announce it on Wednesday's show. So a little bit of time left. Try GoToMeeting. Free. Free. Just 30 days. Free. Free for 30 days. Just visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button and use the promo code. Adam all right, can we do a little news? Shaq, you want to sit in with some news?

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. I'm sorry I didn't bring up LeBron James, but by the time people listen, that game will be over. That's Tuesday night. So that's why I didn't talk sports. That's why Spurs, Heat, whatever. You see what's going on.

[Bald Bryan]

Let's just keep trading them. Let's keep trading games. All right, let's do a little news. Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen should read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Bald Bryan]

It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Dave Dameshek]

I'm glad. I'm glad Dave Damaschek is here for this story, because TV Guide.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't look at you, did I? We didn't make eye contact.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, don't. I'm turning to mush. What's that stench? TV Guide is ranked this 60 greatest game shows of all time. I'd like to tell you guys the top 10. However, I've received some criticisms from the great unwashed about the way I do top 10 lists. And I was hoping. I feel like, Dave, you do lists quite a bit and you probably do them well.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Dave Dameshek]

Hoping you could coach me through.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you top 10, obviously you do them in ascending order. You don't start at number one. Right, Right. That's a rock mistake. You're not starting with the best of them all. Then let me give you the other ones that don't matter as much.

[Dave Dameshek]

I mean, I think there's times where I've said number one and then I've gone back and gone, you know, then gone 10 through 2.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That would be my chief suggestion. Start at that, like 10 and work your way up.

[Dave Dameshek]

All right.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Dameshek]

Coming in at number 10. But tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

The Newlywed Game, that shouldn't be in the top 10. I don't think a lot of. Lot of we. I remember watching that as a kid with Bob Eubanks and whoops. I thought was the fun. I was like, what is this? Whoopi.

[Bald Bryan]

They're always like, whoopi.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how often do you make whoopee? And everybody would laugh. What the hell are they talking about? But it sounds fun.

[Bald Bryan]

All I remember is my grandfather's all time favorite show was Hollywood Squares. He watched it religiously. He didn't have shows that he watched. Religiously. But he watched that show religiously. Shortly before he died, they brought back the new Hollywood Square. I was asked to be one of the squares. And I said to my grandfather, because I, you know, there are things that I knew. Oh, the man show and Loveline, they didn't have cable. MTV to a 91 year old, you know, it didn't mean it was all they would say, is it gonna be on real tv meaning you're gonna be on network or is it one of those cable things that we don't have? But when I marched in and told grandpa, guess who's now? As a boy, I used to sit here and eat my lunch and we would watch this Hollywood Squares together. And you being enthusiastic, me dropping the news on Laszlo Gorog that you're gonna be part of the new Hollywood Squares.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, gramps, I know you don't catch a lot of my stuff out there on cable, but big news here for the ace man and for the whole Corolla clan here. Your grand boy who used to watch Hollywood Squares with you growing up.

[Bald Bryan]

Up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna be in the center square.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. You want some A tongue sandwich?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. I didn't say, I didn't say it's on right now. I said I'm gonna be on the show.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, well, we might, we might watch that.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, look, I'm gonna be on the show as a celebrity. I am going down. I'm not playing it as a contestant. I am one of the celebr celebrities.

[Bald Bryan]

Seedless grapes sometimes have seeds in them. They're not always seedless. So I mean, they're less seeds than regular grapes. But seedless is kind of a misnomer.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for shitting on my point.

[Bald Bryan]

All right. Should you want that tongue sandwich now? He just sat there and went like, well, there you go. I remember thinking, well, that's it. There's nothing, no needle can be moved in this family that. Forget it. I'm done. I'm officially gonna zip it. Gun number nine.

[Dave Dameshek]

What's my line? Okay, number eight. Password.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why people shouldn't. Most people, they think it's fun to play to do lists. So lists are easy and fun. This is just proves yet again that people don't know what they're doing. Don't get into something that when you're in over your head, I, I know how to make a list. You people don't.

[Bald Bryan]

I had to do the. What's the. That's the drawing one category. Dictionary. When early you did that?

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like it even would have preceded

[Bald Bryan]

you very early in my career.

[Dave Dameshek]

I think it's win, lose or draw.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it was win, lose or draw. It was bad timing. They brought back a whole bunch of shitty shows. I swear to God, Burt Reynolds may have been hosting this thing, but they brought back a bunch of shitty game shows, right as I was moving into C level celebrity. So they just add. And I was always good on fun and spontaneous. So they. Oh, it's like a little circuit. That was. And I was always a little nervous because I couldn't read very well. So I was always scared that they're gonna give me the card and I was gonna stand up and not know what it was, you know, not be able to pronounce or whatever. And this is. They give you the big. They give you the big piece of paper. They give you the big sharpie. You have no idea how bad you draw because in your mind, you're drawing very nicely and concisely. You're drawing, like, what you see. Like, you're used to seeing Disney drawings and things like that. You don't realize how bad you are on tv, but you draw it out. And everyone's guessing, you know, and they, you know, they give you Kentucky, you know, bluegrass or something like that. And everyone's just guessing. Guessing. First one, first day, first time, first thing. Hand me the big marker. Flip the paper over, start the time. Give me a card. It says, an elephant never forgets. First off, that's no stitch in time. Like, that's not one you throw around. Oh, I was just saying to my kids, an elephant. You're an elephant, right? An elephant never forgets. So what do I draw? Well, I draw an elephant. You know, someone's like, elephant, elephant. Okay, how do you physically illustrate not forgetting elephant, Elephant. So now I'm drawing, like, an arrow to his head. Elephant head, elephant scalp, elephant forehead, elephant eye, elephant nose, elephant mouth. It's like, no circling the head. This is it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is what I would draw. Elephant with the thought bobble and then a line through it, right?

[Dave Dameshek]

Elephant never talks.

[Bald Bryan]

Except for. That's what happens. Like, everyone just goes. Everyone has their thing where they just go. You just draw. Here's what I would do. I would draw a pie. Now, it wouldn't be. It would be a sweet potato pie, not a pumpkin pie. Make sure sweet potato pie. So I'd be sold. And it's like, you think you can draw a pie that people are gonna be able to discern whether it's sweet potato versus pumpkin versus anything? Well, that's what I Would draw, and then I would draw. You know, they do this thing where they go. I would draw pictures of Colonel Sanders. I'd draw his face, and it's like, you don't get it. They're gonna be yelling Santa Claus and Old Man Winter. They're not. You can't draw Colonel Sanders and have people.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a terrible, terrible show.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way, how would you draw an elephant? Never forgets. You draw the elephant in the first 11 seconds, and then the rest is you just pointing at his head, just going, come on, come on, come on. And them going, headache, hole, ear, Elephant ear. Elephant ear. There's nothing. How do you fucking draw? Doesn't. Oh, fuck. I was just like, this is the fucking first one.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe that's why the show didn't last.

[Adam Carolla]

I. By the way, before you continue, here's another fun thing is you should throw it out to the room. What is going to be number one? I will tell you that. I. If this list were accurate, it would go at number three, Price Is Right at number two, Pyramid. Number one, Match Game.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

You're wrong on all of those. Well, I mean, I'm not wrong on any of them.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the point. Is it?

[Adam Carolla]

There wrong. It takes the blaster. List makers. There you go. Get that thing out of your holster there.

[Dave Dameshek]

Number seven, Hollywood Squares.

[Brian Bishop]

Whereas He Wants to Be Millionaire.

[Dave Dameshek]

Number six. He Wants to Be a Millionaire.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Great show. Smart people on it.

[Dave Dameshek]

When you were on it, who was the host?

[Brian Bishop]

Brian Meredith. Av. Is she still the host?

[Bald Bryan]

Don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't know that.

[Bald Bryan]

Sorry.

[Dave Dameshek]

I don't know. Number five, Price is Right.

[Bald Bryan]

I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, let's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got everything. So who doesn't like Price is Right then? You don't like anything. I don't like that they play everything. They. They have 74 games. They play every. Every show.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't like to go under the over one.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't like when someone goes $2,700 and someone goes $1. And like, whoever comes closest, I don't need. It's like, to me, you're an archer. There's a target. I don't care if you're on the right side or left side. I want to. Closest to the bullseye.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all I like when the. I like the Mountain climber.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah. When I go up the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like that one.

[Bald Bryan]

Here's how goddamn pathetic my life was. Like let's Make a Deal when I was a kid, I would sit there and they'd go, well, do you want what's in the box? You know, you have $1,500 in your pocket. Or you can take what's behind the curtain. And all the audience always yelling. You know, they're like people when someone's out on a ledge yelling, jump. They don't have your best interest in mind. Like, take the curtain, do it, do it, do it. And the person who's basically destitute would give the 1500 bucks back and take the curtain. And then it would open up and it would be Jay sitting on a donkey. And she remembers a nine year old going, but you get to keep the donkey. Right? He'd be on a steamroller or a donkey or something. And I'd go, that steamroller's got to be worth 500 bucks. That's a lot of money. That'd be the most. That would be the most valuable thing that the Corolla's own would be someone else's donkey.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that was exactly. We would sit in the house in Pittsburgh and say the same thing.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, oh, the cow though, wouldn't you. Would you do a cow? Yeah, but I mean, they would have

[Adam Carolla]

worth something cow with the bell on.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, oh, wah, wah. Listen. Like what? You get a cow, cook that up. The. The 25 year old steamroller would easily be the most valuable Corolla possession to date. Easily not including Jay and including the house we're living in.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a Simpsons episode where Bart called a radio contest and they're like, do you want $10,000 or an elephant? He goes, I'll take the elephant.

[Bald Bryan]

Stompy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Stamper. Stompy or Stampy there. Like no one ever turned the elephant.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Dave Dameshek]

Number four Match game should be higher.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the show, Ace. I don't even like to say it out loud because I don't want anybody. That's the show you want. What Dream gig as a host. Not because I think I'm a star, but because all you have to do is facilitate. The stars are the people on the panel. And they get drunk just like they did back in the 70s. They throw on a good draw. I just steer. I just steer at home. Ace. You could be a modern day Charles Nelson Riley.

[Bald Bryan]

I did. Thank you. I did.

[Dave Dameshek]

Brian, you could be a Brett Summers.

[Bald Bryan]

I think I did the pyramid with and got smoked by Betty White. But to be fair, I was hooked up with an individual who seemingly. Obviously, I'm the celebrity. I was just coming from the radio station. You know, I don't have any skin in the game. But this is a. Who should study the game and know the game well and that kind of stuff. And I think mine was south or something like that. And I went north, and they went pole. And I went east, and they went east. Lansing, Michigan. I was like, west, and they're like. Like, Western Avenue. And I was like, all right, I'm out. I don't know what. I've gone through all the compass headings with you, except for the one that's left that you won't say. So I'm completely out. I don't know where to go with this anymore. And I remember just thinking at the time, what the. Why did you decide I should play this game? Did you think you would be good at this game? It is the thing where it. Tonally, if you go north, they go south. You know, it's just one of those. You know, I don't know. There's. There's a kind of a. There's a. There's a cadence version of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Into the final circle that was the best because Dick Clark, when he.

[Bald Bryan]

No, I was. I was smoked by Betty White. But it's both rounds. It's unfair, and I'll swap partners. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're smarter than a fifth grader. I screwed that one up, too. Geez, I've done a lot of these shows. Here's the reason that thing screwed up is they collect how many right answers you get. Whoever had the most right answers goes into the. Whatever round, is the celebrity that goes into the pyramid round or whatever it is. But. But, Mike, we won at the end, me and whoever. The second round I did. I don't remember what it was, but we won. And when you win, they stop you right there. So. Meaning if you get three. The first three, and 15 seconds, and you have 30 seconds, then they stop and go, ding, ding, ding. You won. You won. But you would have gotten. I lost by one. Collectively. Okay, I need to explain this.

[Adam Carolla]

Correct. I know what you mean. Your combined score in the two rounds with the two contestants.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So if they. If they do. They do it this way. They go, you got 30 seconds to do. And then you got 30 seconds over here. And then we'll combine those two scores, and you get a combined score of six. And then I do it, and I get enough to win, but they cut it off. But they combine the first from the second, the second with the third or whatever it is, and you have more than me. I would have gotten the next one, you just stopped mine prematurely. I didn't get the full round, so it's not quite a precise science, but either way, I was ready to go home at that point anyway and tired of being smoked by Betty White.

[Dave Dameshek]

Do you guys play that game Taboo? I would imagine you like to say it Taboo.

[Bald Bryan]

I got the poster hanging up here.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a fun game.

[Dave Dameshek]

It's a fun game. Okay, Number three, Family Feud.

[Adam Carolla]

It was good. Not as good as the ones I named already, but it was good. It would be in the top ten.

[Dave Dameshek]

Number two, I take issue with BattleBots. Wheel of Fortune.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate that. Pure.

[Dave Dameshek]

I went after Jeopardy. When Wheel of Fortune comes on, I cannot change the channel fast enough. It's like when Arlis used to come on after Sex in the City. Did I just say that out loud?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, was a good. Was a great thing that they got rid of on Wheel of Fortune, though, was when you would buy stuff, remember after you would win your round, and then they would open up the thing and it would just be filled with tchotchkes, and you would be like, oh, yeah, $17 for that camping kit. And you remember that. Why'd they get rid of that thing? That was the last.

[Dave Dameshek]

If you want the rest on gift certificate or account.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was. You have to buy your stuff right there.

[Bald Bryan]

The worst thing to come from Wheel of Fortune was every comedian in the 80s going, Can I buy Val here? But he's talking about performing oral sex. You know, I don't know what. Can I buy a Val? I mean, you know, the comedians that make the noise. Can I buy a vowel? I mean, she's there, she's drunk, her panties are off. I'm supposed to go down on her. Can I buy a vowel? Every guy fucked the shit out of that can I buy a vowel thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, you're the best 80s comedian, man.

[Dave Dameshek]

Also, do you remember that awful. That awful song featuring Vanna White and Pat Sage? Jack, I'm a wheel watcher. There's a video for everything.

[Brian Bishop]

No, those take off of I'm a girl watch.

[Bald Bryan]

I did see Lords of Discipline. I do have that on everyone in the building.

[Dave Dameshek]

Anyway, number one.

[Bald Bryan]

Except for the bean boy over there.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Number one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, we're supposed to guess Poker. It's got to be Jeopardy, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I would say Jeopardy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it's gonna be.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, you weren't supposed to guess. I was gonna say I was waiting for that. No, I'm glad you did, though. It is just Jeopardy. That one.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with Joker's Wild. That's what I was thinking.

[Dave Dameshek]

Oh, yeah, that's. I recently. I was. I was talking about how I was upset when I realized I was too old to be on Card Sharks, but also when I was too old to be on There was Teen Joker's Wild.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there was pressure. Luck was a good one. You know, no whammies.

[Dave Dameshek]

No whammies.

[Adam Carolla]

That was great because they had the little animated whammy that would come out and it would get you after, like, it would. It would come dance across the screen. And what was great about it was you had these contestants from, you know, all over the country, and they would play ball with the animated thing. You always hear actors talk about, hey, there's nothing harder than doing CGI film and playing to something that isn't there. But everybody in America could do that. When the little whammy came out, they would swing at him and get angry at him and everything. What a ridiculous premise that show us.

[Bald Bryan]

I did. Are you smarter than fifth grader? My fifth graders, I got were like. Didn't get any answers right. But also the first question they asked me was like, the most. Look, you can go on Jeopardy. And they can ask you the highest mountain in North America. And I don't know if it's Mount McKinley or something, but if you don't know it, no one's going to laugh at you. You don't know the highest peak in North America. But when you're asked a question that fifth graders should know and you're in your 40s, it's wildly embarrassing. And first question, McKinley is right. Anyway. Do we have it? Do you have that first? Were you asking me? Yeah, I have two. I have two. Yeah, I have two clips. All right, well, let's play the first one. Which one it is? Let's see. I'm gonna go Second grade math. Second grade math. Second grade math. That's not fifth grade. For another thousand dollars, here's the second grade question. What is the lowest positive integer? I don't know what an integer is. Second grade four times and never heard that once.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Bald Bryan]

Now pause it for a second. Did anyone know what an integer was in the second grade?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what an integer is. 2013. I honestly don't. I'm embarrassed, but I don't.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. I didn't know what integer was either, and not. Certainly not in the second grade.

[Dave Dameshek]

No, I think I learned it at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

When's the last time I said math? It says int. It starts with that. So Using my Latin, I will guess that it means that it is something that is indivisible or something like that. Well, that's a root number, though.

[Bald Bryan]

I think so.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's a whole number.

[Adam Carolla]

I lost my guess.

[Bald Bryan]

It's a whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Math is a man's way of making us feel bad. Math is for.

[Bald Bryan]

This is second grade math. This is me.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yes. It's so not second grade math.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the jerk.

[Bald Bryan]

I say, what is the lowest positive integer? That's like I'm sitting there going, I'll take a second grade math question. And I'm good at the math on your feet thing, where the. What percentage of, you know, this pie is whatever. Just from doing carpentry and all that. I'm good at that stuff. But I don't know what the lowest positive integer is. Yeah, it is. So anyway, I don't know if I have an answer or not, but there's

[Adam Carolla]

not an adult in this. In this whole joint that knows the answer to what an integer is. Oh, these guys. He's smart. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Look where it's gotten you in.

[Bald Bryan]

$8 an hour, guys.

[Dave Dameshek]

All right, he's giving you the lowest positive integer.

[Bald Bryan]

Do we have the second. Is there another clip? I think I have another clip. I can't remember. I don't even know what these clips are. You ready for it? Last question of the day. Fourth grade literature. It's worth $7,500. Here it is. Literature. Poet Walt Whitman wrote Leaves of grass in 1855. What country was he born in? Poet Walt Whitman wrote Leaves of Grass. Never read a book in my life. In 1855, what country was he born in? Shitty Kids with their smoke faces. You see, I always just thought he was born here in the United States, but I also thought Led Zeppelin was from Boston, too, so I get confused pretty easily. And where did you think the band Boston was from? Texarkana. We're just having our own fun here, aren't we now, Jeff? Texarkana.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Let's see. I really have no idea since I've never read a book in my life. So I'm just gonna. I'm gonna cash in one of my cheats here. I'm locking in the peak. Locking in the peak. I don't know what that is. Take a look at the. That's why I had to be fingerprinted. She thinks it's Germany. Wow. And you were thinking it was. Hold on. Walt Whitman. M. Now it's starting to come together. You know what I mean? H. Yeah. Well, since I don't know, I'm just going to go with Madison on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Going with Madison.

[Bald Bryan]

This is what you want in a game show. I said I thought he was born here. But you know, because he. Walt Whitman sounds so German, doesn't it? Well, like I said, you do the vault Vidman math and yeah, you got something there you know, you want to call Wagner. Wagner. Feel free. You, you kept saying I, I thought he was from America. Well, that's what I thought. But you know, he is from America. Oh yeah, he's from America. Not vault Vitman from Germany. I don't know. Listen to the little one. Nothing about this. They give you these kids, they're like, oh, this kid's gonna be your safety line. He's a fucking anchor. There's my. That's that. That my whole. My entire game show experience could be integer with second grade. That's a second grade math, by the way. I thought math.

[Dave Dameshek]

Second grade math. And it's not fourth grade literature either.

[Bald Bryan]

No. And like a second grade math question is, you know, 15 times 19 or 15 times 15. My kids are going into the second grade. They're all right at math. They don't know what an integer is.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're right. The birthplace of Walt Whitman. Oh, Walt Whitman. Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. Fourth graders know his birthplace well.

[Bald Bryan]

Also part of my thinking was nobody back then was born here. They all came here. The question born. You think people are born somewhere, came over on a steamer when they were five months old and then lived here? But they're all born. What percentage of this country was born abroad and then came here as young people back in 18. Whatever. Anyway, you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go to National Academy of Sports Medicine and get my license and go at those kinds of kids and put them out of alignment. Wow, that's. I'd like to ill align them.

[Brian Bishop]

That's so elaborate.

[Bald Bryan]

Like the non. You know what I'd say? I'd say kids, I'm certified. Let's work out. We're just going to eat this aerosol cheese and we're going to watch me on the game shows fail miserably. That'll get you those six pack abs. And I bloat them all. That's what I do.

[Brian Bishop]

You show them.

[Bald Bryan]

Yep. I would. That's going to be my pound of flesh is literally going to be pounds of flesh that I add on to of them now. Not these guys. National Academy of Sports Medicine. They guarantee you'll get a job within 90 days of earning your personal trainer certification or your money back. You can earn a ton of money, set your own hours. You get paid to stay in shape. That was the one good part when I used to be a boxing trainer is you'd actually train the guys you train with and essentially you just work out every day except for someone pays you to work out. And by the way, oftentimes good looking people. Free 14 day sneak peek. Go to usatrainer.com it's fun, it's easy, it's online. That's usatrainer.com all right, one more. Do we have half a half a story here?

[Dave Dameshek]

All right, well, Jeff Garland was arrested because he smashed in the windows on a car. This is in Studio City over the weekend. Allegedly smashed in the windows of another person's Mercedes because he got. It was a fight over a parking spot.

[Bald Bryan]

Ooh. Where?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know specifically. I live around there.

[Bald Bryan]

Mm. Studio.

[Dave Dameshek]

Studio City.

[Bald Bryan]

That's all it says.

[Dave Dameshek]

Yeah. I don't know exactly where they leave

[Adam Carolla]

out those key details like how many integers were involved. I don't know what that means even. Maybe it works.

[Dave Dameshek]

Do you know him? Does he seem like a hothead?

[Bald Bryan]

No, he's one of the most confident human beings I've ever met in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Flattering.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he very confident person. Exquisitely confident. Not in a braggadocious kind of way. No, I literally, I saw him open for Jon Stewart a million years ago at Caroline's. We're going to be there doing some shows coming up, by the way, live shows 18th through 20th July. And me and Jimmy saw him and I just thought he must be related to Jon Stewart somehow. He just pulled up a stool and started talking about Snickers bars for like 20 minutes. And then he realized he was a stand up. But he's like, he's the kind of guy just like not a big sense of urgency in the standup department. Very relaxed, very, very like lacking jokes. I've never met a more confident guy and not in a braggadocious way. Just in a. I wish I had. We all, you know that whatever you wish you had, you're always full of self doubt and do I deserve to be up here and not. Not. That does not possess that. No. But don't know him to be a nice guy and a sweet guy and not a guy who busts out windshields, which I like the guy who does that, I mean it's kind of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Why'd he do it?

[Dave Dameshek]

He got in a verbal fight with another person. Over a parking spot which escalated and allegedly it resulted in him smashing out the windows. And then cops were called and he was arrested. He's dead at jail now, though. It doesn't say.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of stories are these? They don't tell you what store he broke. The things he doesn't tell you if he used a golf club or a hammer shoe.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, the preferred weapon of choice for Jack Nicholson many years ago, I believe on Laurel Canyon was the golf club.

[Adam Carolla]

And then got out of the Tiger Woods. Old lady used the golf club too, right? Seems like that's the one you're supposed to use.

[Dave Dameshek]

I was just imagining it. He was just using his hulking hand. But there's no way, right? No, you couldn't actually do that with these guys.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, you can if you're. But you got to be beaked up on drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

John Kreese did more than once when he took on Miyagi in the parking lot at the All Valley Championship. He did it once and Miyagi dodged him. He went back for more. He went for another one, Same result. Bloody hands.

[Bald Bryan]

Always my contention that his argument of when you don't have the belt, when you don't have the strap for the All Valley Tournament, when you don't have that hanging in the window of your dojo, you lose a ton of business. You don't get as much dojo walk as you would if you have the strap. Like, if you're known as the winner of the All Valley Tournament, then you're going to lose tons and bidders. But I would argue seeing the head of said dojo, the sensei who ran the Cobra Kai Academy, physically assault a student in the parking lot right after the All Valley Tournament, when all the parents are exiting the arena, is some of the worst advertising you could have for your dojo, right? Like literally trying to choke the life out of a 17 year old in the parking lot in front of the group.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, we're talking about him.

[Bald Bryan]

I guess that's how it works.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you not stop to think that maybe it would attract a different clientele?

[Bald Bryan]

It's a different clientele. A different clientele set in their ways. An older school one. Not one who knew what an integer was.

[Dave Dameshek]

Just found this here. This article was just posted 3 hours ago. It was a Studio City CVS drugstore,

[Bald Bryan]

CBS in Studio City.

[Adam Carolla]

That's exactly where that is.

[Dave Dameshek]

His bail was posted at $20,000. It still doesn't say what he used to smash the window, though.

[Bald Bryan]

Hmm. Like to find that out. No charges were filed. So I hear. And it's gotta be rough with an Escalade being a choice of travel for most men with a large carriage who insure business and then having fights escalate.

[Dave Dameshek]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean? Yeah. Gotta be a lot of who's on first going. I think not. Legal Zoom baby. America built by the innovators. People like breaking Windows, Edison. That's right. And Hart, Ford, Jobs, Corolla. Yeah, I penciled my name in. What of it? You want to get your business going. You want to get it going, right? Legal Zoom baby. Start your dream. Apply for patent register attraction trademark. Protect what's yours. Use LegalZoom. You can incorporate, form an LLC, launch your business. You call or visit legalzoom.com legalzoom.com they will take care of you. Start to finish. Soup to nuts. They've helped millions of businesses get started and started. Right, my friend. Celebrate innovation with LegalZoom. And for a limited time, get a special price on trademark, copyright and patent applications by using the code Adam at checkout. Protect your creations and launch your [e-mail] LegalZoom can provide self help services at your specific direction or they can connect you to an attorney. But they are not a law firm. All right, bring it home, baby girl.

[Dave Dameshek]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenz. If it comes.

[Bald Bryan]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. We're going to be in Irvine Wednesday night doing a live show. So if you're out in that area and you want to come out and see how the fudge is packed, come on down. I use that instead of sausage is made. I like that. That's terrible. Sausage being made is fairly homoerotic. But seeing how the fudge is packed,

[Adam Carolla]

take it to another level.

[Bald Bryan]

Whole new homoerotic level.

[Adam Carolla]

Integer.

[Bald Bryan]

Also Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver coming up July 26th. That's me doing a show alone. AdamCarolla.com is where you go. Wilter Theater, Mean Jay Moore all August 3rd. He'll do his thing, I'll do my thing and then we'll do our thing together. It is beautiful. So come on out. Check that out. And me and Dr. Drew. First three shows on the road. Bakersfield, Santa Barbara, Denver. Come on out and well stay home and go to itunes or adamkrolo.com you can hear all beautifully mastered and put together by Chris Maxapata. So until next time, this is Adam Crowley for Lisa Lampinelli, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo. Let's listen to me. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

That does it for today's Corolla Classics. Until next weekend, Mahler and get it on.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It.

[Bald Bryan]

With VRBoCare. Help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so

[Dr. Jeffrey Life]

support is always available because a great

[Bald Bryan]

trip starts with peace of mind.