Dave Portnoy + Teresa, Alison, Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Adam Carolla Show – "Dave Portnoy + Teresa, Alison, Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)"

Release Date: April 11, 2025
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: Dave Portnoy, Teresa Strasser, Alison Rosen, Gina Grad, Bryan Bishop, Mike August
Podcast Network: PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

---

1. Introduction to Coral Classics

The episode begins with an introduction to Coral Classics, a companion podcast that curates the best moments and fan-favorite clips from the 16-year history of The Adam Carolla Show. Hosted by Bryan Bishop (referred to as Bald Bryan), the segment sets the stage for revisiting memorable interactions and discussions from past episodes.

2. Featured Episode: Adam Carolla Show 388

Timestamp: [03:02] – [04:47]

Guests: Chris Parnell and Larry Miller
Key Discussion Points:

• Format Shift: The episode highlights the transition from a one-on-one interview format to a recreation of the early morning show with recurring characters like Teresa the news girl and Brian the sound effects guy.
• Hypothetical Road Trip: A signature bit involves Larry Miller posing hypothetical scenarios, showcasing his comedic prowess alongside Chris Parnell.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop: "Chris Parnell, SNL Voiceover Legend. Hilarious dude. One of the funniest people who've ever existed." [03:17]
• Gina Grad: "I am working at KABC mornings with Peter Tilden." [05:49]

3. Behind-the-Scenes Banter

Timestamp: [04:47] – [12:46]

Participants: Adam Carolla, Bryan, Gina Grad, Allison Rosen

Key Discussion Points:

• GoToMeeting Advertisement: A humorous exchange about the frustrations of traditional meetings versus virtual ones, featuring comedic exaggerations of airport hassles and personal anecdotes.
• Personal Careers: Gina Grad discusses her role at KABC and reminisces about Dick Van Dyke's versatility, blending personal insights with light-hearted commentary on celebrity legacies.
• Ad Humor: The conversation seamlessly transitions into playful mock advertisements, blending actual ads with comedic improvisations that satirize typical commercial pitches.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop: "Why leave the house anymore? Why?" [04:57]
• Gina Grad: "He's self-taught." [06:54]

4. Navigating Aging and Career Changes

Timestamp: [12:46] – [25:08]

Participants: Bryan, Gina Grad, Allison Rosen

Key Discussion Points:

• Aging in Media: The dialogue delves into the challenges faced by aging personalities like Dick Van Dyke, juxtaposing their past glory with present roles that may not fully utilize their talents.
• Family Dynamics: Personal stories emerge about balancing career moves with family expectations, highlighting the tension between professional aspirations and familial responsibilities.
• Comedy and Chemistry: The chemistry among the hosts and guests shines through, with playful insults and supportive banter underscoring their camaraderie.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop: "Darfur and Iraq all we have is ideology, blah blah blah… let me get inside Northern California's new battlefront." [15:12]
• Gina Grad: "It's nice that at 85 he's still schlepping around to morning radio to promote a charity." [06:44]

5. Social Commentary and Satire

Timestamp: [25:08] – [50:42]

Participants: Bryan, Gina Grad, Allison Rosen, Mike August

Key Discussion Points:

• Scared Straight Concept: Bryan introduces a satirical twist on the "Scared Straight" program, proposing elder workers as deterrents for youthful delinquency.
• Workplace Humor: The hosts explore exaggerated workplace scenarios, blending real-life frustrations with comedic overreach, such as dealing with uncooperative employees or absurd job requirements.
• Cultural Critique: A sustained critique of societal norms and behaviors surfaces, with references to historical events, celebrity antics, and political satire providing a backdrop for deeper discussions.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop: "What the fuck happened?" [15:08]
• Gina Grad: "Sometimes you have to coach him. Larry, the cabinet guy does good work." [50:33]

6. Celebrity Interactions and Pop Culture

Timestamp: [50:42] – [91:04]

Participants: Bryan, Gina Grad, Allison Rosen, Alexis Ohanian, Mike August

Key Discussion Points:

• Dave Portnoy Feature: The episode includes a segment featuring Dave Portnoy, discussing his ventures and interactions with the hosts.
• Alexis Ohanian's Insights: Co-founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, shares insights on entrepreneurship, the evolution of social media platforms, and the importance of authentic relationships with fans.
• Building and Carpentry Anecdotes: Personal stories about home renovation projects intertwine with humorous takes on practical challenges, such as dealing with contractors and unexpected setbacks.

Notable Quotes:

• Alexis Ohanian: "I wanted for. I was a history major… Let me try to come up with something else." [155:03]
• Bryan Bishop: "You're a big guy, and every now and then it's nice to be held, you know?" [187:17]

7. Reflections on Society and Technology

Timestamp: [91:04] – [135:08]

Participants: Bryan, Alexis Ohanian, Allison Rosen, Gina Grad, Adam Carolla

Key Discussion Points:

• Technological Impact: Discussions revolve around how technology shapes human interactions, learning, and societal structures. Alexis emphasizes the empowering nature of the internet for makers and creators.
• Cultural Shifts: The hosts critique contemporary societal trends, including references to gender roles, media influence, and the commercialization of personal achievements.
• Personal Growth: Anecdotes about overcoming personal challenges and adapting to new career paths underscore themes of resilience and adaptability.

Notable Quotes:

• Alexis Ohanian: "You can find answers to questions that 10, 15 years ago, you never could have." [165:27]
• Bryan Bishop: "It's a business. They want to strike while the iron's hot." [235:37]

8. Closing Remarks and Future Segments

Timestamp: [135:08] – [259:XX]

Participants: Bryan, Alexis, Allison Rosen, Gina Grad

Key Discussion Points:

• Upcoming Projects: Brief mentions of future podcast segments, including interactions with other celebrities and continued exploration of classic show highlights.
• Humorous Farewells: The episode wraps up with light-hearted farewells and comedic exchanges, maintaining the show's signature blend of humor and candid conversation.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan Bishop: "Have a nice day. Goodbye. I don't need the now." [51:29]
• Alexis Ohanian: "It's a good thing you have to make something." [157:18]

---

Conclusion

This episode of Coral Classics offers a nostalgic yet fresh revisit to some of the most entertaining and insightful moments from The Adam Carolla Show. Through candid conversations, satirical humor, and engaging anecdotes, the hosts and guests provide listeners with both laughter and thoughtful commentary on various aspects of life, work, and society. Whether discussing the trials of aging in the media industry, the dynamics of modern relationships, or the empowering capabilities of the internet, the episode encapsulates the essence of what makes The Adam Carolla Show a beloved staple in the podcasting world.

---

Note: This summary omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the request, focusing solely on the substantive discussions and interactions.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Craving your next action packed adventure, Audible.

[Bald Bryan]

Delivers thrills of every kind on your command, like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinction. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spine tingling horror and romance and far.

[Adam Carolla]

Off realms, unleash your adventure aside with.

[Bald Bryan]

Gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook.

[Gina Grad]

You from the first minute.

[Bald Bryan]

Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wonderyus that's audible.com wonderyus get this adults with financial literacy skills have 82%.

[Mike August]

More wealth than those who don't.

[Allison Rosen]

From swimming lessons to piano lessons, us.

[Bald Bryan]

Parents invest in so many things to.

[Allison Rosen]

Enrich our kids lives, but are we.

[Bald Bryan]

Investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that.

[Allison Rosen]

After school treat, start prioritizing their financial.

[Bald Bryan]

Education and future today with a risk free [e-mail] Wondery Greenlight.com Wondery GreenLight.com Wondery welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your whole superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla classics available through podcast one premium as well as Adam Carolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com you can obtain ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the exclusive new podcast Beat it out featuring Adam Carolla and various guest stars. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsdamcarolla.com I've been getting a lot of requests for old Loveline and the KLSX Adam Corolla show from 2006 to 2009, both of which we can't play in this feedback as Adam Cruella doesn't have ownership of them. There are select clips that have been played on the podcast that then become transformative works which then make it allowable to replay some of those moments. But not all the fan favorite moments have aired on the Adam Cruella show and may never. So if you've requested something from a Loveline, the Tom Arnold call with the phone sex operator, the time Adam hung up on Ann Coultzer on the morning show. That's stuff that'll never be able to play unless Adam covered it on the podcast, some of which he has. So if you've requested something, we haven't played it. That's probably why. If you'd like to find more information.

[Allison Rosen]

On the Adam kurollo show from 2006.

[Bald Bryan]

2009 or old loveline, check out patreon.com Giovanni that's where I handle all that other stuff that can't be in this feed. Now let's get to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Carlos show 388. This is after they switched formats from.

[Allison Rosen]

The original one on one.

[Bald Bryan]

Adam interviews a guest format to the recreation of the morning show from 2006 to 2009. This features Theresa sort of Brian Bishop, Teresa the news girl, Brian the sound effects guy, although we all know there are much more. This episode has Chris Parnell and Larry Miller.

[Allison Rosen]

Larry Miller doing hypothetical road trip, one.

[Bald Bryan]

Of the signature bits of the morning show and of The Early Podcast ACS 4. Chris Parnell, SNL Voiceover Legend. Hilarious dude. One of the funniest people who've ever existed. Hope you guys enjoy this episode. Good day, Bald Brian. It's so damn hot. Good to see you, Theresa. Straight.

[Gina Grad]

Good to see you.

[Bald Bryan]

We'll get into get into tea and her new gig in just a second. First, a little mention of our friends at GoToMeeting. That's right. Oh my God. Here's the point. GoToMeeting is, well, you don't have to travel, you don't have to do the parking, you don't have to do the airport and airport. Can I tell you, T, you weren't here for me flipping out about it yesterday, but belts off, shoes off, pants down. Had the toiletry bag emptied out again because it said it was 4.0, but it's now 3.5 ounces. And it took my $29 hair goo that I bought at the mall with in Tempe with August and threw it right in the garbage can along with my Tom's Main toothpaste, which is four ounces except for three and a half ounces of it. Half ounces already scrubbed onto my teeth. There was just a little thimble full left it in, right in the garbage. It's so humiliating. It's expensive. The ride from the airport in Denver back to the hotel was 85 bucks. Forget it. Go to my go to meeting. Go to my meeting. Come to my house and have a meeting.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. I'm just saying why? Why leave the house anymore? Why? And by the way, you shake the guy's hand and then you wipe Purell on it.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

You didn't want to touch it.

[Gina Grad]

It's exhausting. You might as well stay home and do your business.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. You can do it for 49 buc and it's unlimited. You could have a thousand meetings a month. It's one low flat rate. It's brought to you by Citrix and you can try it out for 45 days free. That's right. Just for my listeners. Free. Go to, go to mymeeting.com, click on the try it free button, type in the promo code Adam and tell them Adam sent you. You get 45 days free hassle, free business meetings. Go to my meeting or go to meeting, I should say. All right, where were we? T bone you. Now tell us about your new career.

[Gina Grad]

I am. Well, it's the same. It's the same old career. Only what I like to do. I'm like that chess piece that moves laterally.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

That's what I do.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. The pun or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

The bishop.

[Gina Grad]

Is it the bishop?

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that's who it was.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Anyway, I'm working at KABC mornings with Peter Tilden.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he's good.

[Gina Grad]

He's very good.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I caught about an hour of it this morning. Heard you. This is radio and Tilton and, and Dick Van Dyke and I must say, Dick Van Dyke's one of these guys you sort of remember from McAnter or whatever. He did, you know, do some cop show in the, in the 80s. We do, I don't know, he did what, he do some sort of thing where he played an attorney or something.

[Gina Grad]

He Diagnosis Murder.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's like one of those. Yeah, Biagnosis murder. It's one of these things. He's a classic guy. It's sort of like when, if you're a child of the 70s, you remember Ethel Merman from the Love Boat or, you know, Agnes Moorhead from Bewitched, but you don't realize these were greats of the stage and the Great White Way and Broadway and, you know, part of.

[Gina Grad]

You know, this guy's got a Grammy, a Tony, a bunch of Emmys.

[Bald Bryan]

Watch Mary Poppins, watch the guy dance. The guy's absolutely amazing.

[Gina Grad]

Self taught.

[Allison Rosen]

He was the chimney sweep.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tough gig these days, by the way. You don't need to do gotomeeting if you're in the chimney sweep. Business. There's new, better clients are bringing chimneys and flus in from out of town. We got to scrub them down. Yeah, Dick Van Dyke. So it is one of these things where you see him with a gray mustache and gray hair playing, playing an attorney in a small county on some crappy show that shows up on, on, you know, the wb and, and you think, what the fuck? But go watch that movie and see just how talented a guy like that was.

[Gina Grad]

And it's nice that at 85 he's still schlepping around to morning radio to promote a charity.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, to be fair, he's probably up since 5am because he's old. Yeah, I don't know what it is about old people, but it's like I said, the whole time. Well, the whole time I did Loveline, I would go to bed at 2 and my dad would get up at 5:30 every morning and whenever he wanted to have breakfast, he would suggest about 6:15, and I'd be like, I'm just rolling over onto my boner at that point, dad. And you go, all right, let's push back to seven. And never did quite understand. Although I was thinking about this sort of relativeness of life and how, you know, I guess when you're 85, a, you're not wired that way, but B, theoretically, sleeping is sort of death with you with a boner. And there's a part of you, when you're a teenager, you're going on forever, right? I mean, psychologically, I know there's a growth part of this too, but I mean, when you're 17 years old, you're like, oh, I'm missing out on life. Or the clock is ticking. When you're 17 years old, you're like, fuck it, I'm sleeping till noon. Yeah, but when you're 85, there has to be a sort of thought where, hey, the sun is shining and how many more, how many more Tuesdays do I have in me?

[Gina Grad]

Well, speaking of like in Tuesdays with Maury, he talks about how being old is a lot like being a baby. You know, somebody has to diaper you and take care of you and how you can find the beauty in that. Well, babies wake up at five in the morning too, right?

[Bald Bryan]

So I had, I had this notion and I started thinking about it when I was doing the stand up in Denver last week. I somehow got onto the topic of moi. That hardly happens. And I was talking about working at McDonald's and I was saying the only thing that makes time pass slower than standing over A hot griddle. Working the griddle at a McDonald's. A, you're on your feet. B, there's a large. The thing the size of a refrigerator door that's 500 degrees that's in front of you. You're literally. You can hear your sweat just landing on it, stacking burgers on it. Time literally stands still. Like, I've had jobs, whether it be ditch digging, like, you guys have all done a little gardening or maybe helped out with somebody or done a little Habitat for Humanity or something like that, but really dig a ditch for nine or 10 hours, like, in earnest, like, that's your gig. Not dig a ditch for an hour. Have a beer. Dig a ditch for an hour. Talk, chat up my buddies. Just literally digging a ditch with a guy walking around. Vietnam vet who moves his mustache around when he's pissed and who basically will start yelling at you if you ever even lean on your shovel. Time stops versus, you know, seeing a great movie or getting a blowjob or being really high or that weekend in Maui. That. That's over and done with. Like that. So I was talking about nothing. No time. Never go slower than standing over a Grill at McDonald's and getting paid $2.21 an hour, which was minimum wage when I was doing it, with taxes being taken out. So literally, stand there for eight hours, walk out of the place with $13 if you're lucky. I thought maybe that's why the old people work there. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

They're trying to slow down.

[Bald Bryan]

They're slowing down. Well, think about how fast time is passing for Hugh Hefner.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, right.

[Bald Bryan]

He's 88, and time's just blowing by like a card in the spokes of life. That's him laughing it up. No, but seriously, you're on a yacht, you're getting a blow job, you're some taking Viagra out of a PEZ dispenser, and you're just fucking partying around. That's what I'm saying. Now, imagine if you took Hugh Hefner and you said just, hey, man, Hugh. Need you to come down from the mansion. I need you to go out to North Hollywood and stand behind this grill. He'd be dreading that day, and he'd be doing nothing but staring at the clock. True, he'd be miserable, but wouldn't time fucking just grind to a halt for that moment?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I mean, I've talked to you about this before, but I've had the experience when I'm out with the baby and People always say the same thing. They go, just enjoy every minute. Because it goes by so fast and sometimes I just want to look at them and go, why don't you go fuck yourself? Because every fucking scene second of my life is taking an hour. I'm so tired.

[Bald Bryan]

Every time someone says, have fun out there, I'm gonna go fuck off.

[Gina Grad]

Have fun out there. Not fucking fun like. And they tell you that when it's the most pressure. Like when I auditioned for this job, you know, Well, I was just, I guess on the Peter Tilton. Yeah, I sort of knew I was auditioning and I really wanted a job. Times are tough and, you know, I'm very grateful to have it. But it's not fun like have fun out there when things that are important to you are at stake. It's not. Have fun with it. And the other one, just be yourself. What self. What self is gonna get me this job?

[Bald Bryan]

First off, I will shove my finger into my asshole and sniff it. If you really want to do myself, I will do that. When no one's around. That's me. That's me. My purest.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe a little less yourself then.

[Gina Grad]

Don't be that self. Be another self.

[Bald Bryan]

Right, right.

[Gina Grad]

Be more, but have fun with it. Yes, but everything's on the line.

[Bald Bryan]

So I'm thinking maybe Dick Van Dyke should get a job at the McDonald's or watching kids. And also when you see the old guy. And now I know because whenever I see the old guy who's working, this is another thing I came up with up on stage. You know, remember the sort of Scared Straight movies where they'd have the black dude and he'd get a bunch of guys, young, 14, 15 year old little hooligans who are in and out of trouble, little juvenile delinquents. And he pop his eyeball out. Give me your shoes, motherfucker. You come into this place, you gonna be my bitch. I'm gonna skull fuck your ass. And then all the kids would be scared straight. There should be a scared straight version of this. Something your dad. My dad probably would have, should have attended in their 20s and 30s with the dude who's 69 and working at the Home Depot.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And the 73 year old chick who's working at the Arby's and they just said a bunch of 20 something year olds together and go, you want to wear a fucking bright orange smock with your name on it and make $8.11 an hour when you're 72 years of age, motherfucker? Then Pop the eyeball out.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, this is the.

[Bald Bryan]

Give me your slippers. Like I want to do. Here's my documentary. I want to do a documentary called what Happened. No, I'm doing a documentary called what the fuck Happened? Okay, that's a good. All right, write this down.

[Gina Grad]

What the F happened?

[Bald Bryan]

What the F happened?

[Gina Grad]

So we can put ads and papers and stuff.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me get what the F Happened. And I go to the Home Depot and I find the guy with the gray mustache is 72 years old and he's putzing around the electoral department and he's got some half a fag coming up to him and going, where's the Romex? And he's having to get up on a ladder and pull it all off an upper shelf and go, what the fuck happened, Pops? Unless you're making 250k a year and there's something I'm not aware of, but I know you're making $9 an hour, what the fuck happened? And we can trace it back. I'll go to McDonald's. I'll find anyone working there between the age of 16, 85. What the fuck happened? Now, if somebody does the. Oh, I have plenty of money socked away. I just like staying active.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll still want to know what the fuck happened. Did you get hit with a snow shovel? Right. Or why don't you?

[Gina Grad]

Relative.

[Bald Bryan]

Where's your network?

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Where's your boat?

[Gina Grad]

Something happened. Still.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. If you have plenty of money in the bank and you're here, something horrible happened.

[Gina Grad]

Right? Because if you wanted to be useful, maybe you'd work at the spca, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Or you'd volunteer shelter poisoning kids with sodium.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

And fat.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. That doesn't.

[Bald Bryan]

Caramel coloring is probably not the greatest thing a senior should do with this waning years on the planet.

[Gina Grad]

This is a brilliant idea because I'll do with hobos. Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll just. And I'm sure you'll get some stories.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, I'm always curious when I see a hobo, like, what the fuck happened? I really want to know. I'm curious. A lot of times it's obvious that there was a serious mental illness that was not treated or an alcohol problem. But sometimes you don't know.

[Bald Bryan]

A lot of times I'm telling, you're gonna hear stories about these guys having successful businesses and then having a kid that got sick and having a partner that screwed them over, and then they started drinking or whatever. There's always. You're not born a hobo and you're not born a 73 year old guy who works at Home Depot. What the fuck happened?

[Gina Grad]

What the f. I mean, I know that they have. There are guys who are women who are involved in drunk driving accidents, right? And part of their sentence is they go around to schools and they tell their story and the kids in the audience think twice before they have a drink and drive because they're terrified, right? This is the plan you're suggesting. You take somebody like one of our dads who's borderline more mind than yours. Borderline destitute.

[Bald Bryan]

Tag team them. Tag team them. My dad, slap out, my dad, come.

[Gina Grad]

In and you know what? Like, here's life lessons that you need to learn. Yes, you shouldn't drink and drive. But here's another thing you should have in the bank. Six months living expenses before you do anything.

[Bald Bryan]

30 meetings in 30 days.

[Gina Grad]

90 and 90. I told the old man, 90 and 90.

[Bald Bryan]

This could be a lot easier. I'll tell you what I would do with my dad for a couple things. There'd be a couple things. Here's what I. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your old man, okay? But here's what I'm gonna do with my old man. And you know, if you choose to go down this route with your old man, that's your business. To avoid a super uncomfortable conversation where it's like, hey, Dad, I need you to explain to a group of people in their 20s what a tremendous loser you are and how not to turn out exactly like you. I'm gonna put a little different twist on it. I'm gonna go. Dan, I want you to tell these young people everything you know about finance.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Every trick in your sleeve, right? Every move. And then I will get hold. Mochi Health is here to help you.

[Gina Grad]

Start your weight loss journey with caring, personalized support. Meet one on one with board certified obesity doctors and registered dietitians who truly.

[Bald Bryan]

Listen and understand your unique needs.

[Gina Grad]

Eligible patients can access affordable GLP1 medications.

[Bald Bryan]

Delivered right to their door each month.

[Adam Carolla]

No insurance, no problem.

[Gina Grad]

Mochi Health accepts FSA and HSA making.

[Adam Carolla]

Care accessible and affordable.

[Gina Grad]

And with 24. 7 customer service, you'll never feel alone on your path to better health. Get started with Mochi Health today. Take the free [e-mail] and use code AUDIO40 at checkout for $40 off your first month of membership. That's join mochi.com with promo code AUDIO40.

[Bald Bryan]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone. Paying big wireless way too much, please for the love of everything good in this world. Stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Gina Grad]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent.

[Bald Bryan]

To $15 per month required intro rate.

[Gina Grad]

First three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.

[Bald Bryan]

See full [e-mail] Rakuten is the smartest way to save money when you shop. Because you earn cash back at over 3,500 stores. Fashion, beauty, electronics, home essentials, travel, dining, concert tickets and more. Your favorite stores like Lowe's, Levi's and Nike. Pay Rakuten to send them shoppers and Rackuten then passes on a part of that payment to its members as cash back. You're already shopping at your favorite stores. Why not save while you're doing it? It's a no brainer. Membership is free and easy to sign up. Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See rakuten.com for details. That's R a K u T E N. Your cash back really adds up. Before my dad comes out, I'll say whatever he says, do the exact opposite of it.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

So again, if he says turn right, you turn left.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

When he says up, you think down, knowing that I'll bring him out. Please give him a nice round of applause. It'll be awesome. He'll feel great about himself.

[Gina Grad]

His feelings will be hurt. My dad will say, look, if you have a savings of 100 grand, you take the whole thing and you sink it into a house in the middle of nowhere in fortified wine country and do not have a penny left in savings.

[Bald Bryan]

And then my dad would follow up with 100 grand in the bank. What?

[Gina Grad]

Well, that's what the f happened. That makes it sad because dad really did have a thriving business for 35 years. Fixing cars. He said he did have a house.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I'll tell you what we do then with him. We let him speak about his thriving business up until the point where. And then he feels that sting on his neck like Teresa's in the back where blow dart, skip and Karari. And she's like, ow, my neck. And then we just come shuffle him off like the sandman at the apartment.

[Gina Grad]

Well, you know what's sweet? Today I got an email. Communication has been a bit tense with the old man since we got this little situation But I got an email listen to you this morning on the.

[Bald Bryan]

He's co signing on his house.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. By the way, Being foreclosed.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

So we're in a little, little trouble as this jeopardizes my home. My credit's already been shattered. I've given up on that. But anyway, he did write me this morning. Hey, T. I listened to the whole Peter Tilden show. Very good.

[Bald Bryan]

Really? Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

He got up and listened to it on.

[Bald Bryan]

Woke up and listened on.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Which is sweet. And by the way, when I used to be on Good Day New York, even with the time difference, he'd get up at, you know, four in the morning our time and watch it. Yeah, I know. He's not that bad. I'm starting to forget.

[Bald Bryan]

You should forgive. You should forgive. He means well.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Now that I have a job, I'm not as worried.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. All right, well, good. You sounded delightful. And yeah, let's tell people how they can listen to you if they'd like to catch you on Peter. Thanks.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I think he's on KABC790. I'm on from 6 to 9 and I believe you can stream it online if you want to. I'll tell you that six to nine. Three hours is a lot better than four, which we.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Somehow it feels like it's almost 25% better.

[Gina Grad]

It's about 25% better.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Four hours is. You know, when I did Loveline my whole life and it was a two hour gig and it was like, was over before it started. Four hours. When you think about things to do, whether, you know, there's certain things where. All right, four hours of delivering wine or four hours of doing tax preparation or four hours of writing a novel. Maybe not that long, but four hours of comedy, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it wasn't always four hours of comedy.

[Gina Grad]

No, it was often much less seven to 12 minutes. And then there was some wing bowl.

[Bald Bryan]

But I would like. I swear to God, when everyone else used to complain about having to play records, I was like, I wouldn't mind spinning a couple records an hour and taking a little bit.

[Gina Grad]

Remember we were gonna do that our last day, but we never did. We were gonna play all our favorite songs.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. But instead Jack Silver had to come in and play a pre recorded hilarious comedy bit. Oh, that was good times. All right, so there's where you can find Teresa. Now what we're going to do here with Teresa is hopefully she can do a little double duty we can have on this show as much as possible.

[Gina Grad]

I've Gotten a lot of questions via Twitter and Facebook. Will I still be here? And I'm hoping that you'll still have me on the two afternoons a week that you record.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, we will. We will try to accommodate you as best we can dare you. And you're good until we find, you know, until Tracy Metro's freed up.

[Gina Grad]

God, she's gonna get wind of this, isn't. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

That's why I like her. That's why I like. Because I'm like, hey, you know, listen, I'm not. I'm not saying Hitler was right, but I'm sure not saying he was wrong. I agree wholeheartedly. And, you know, as far as the. As far as the border goes, I say forget about a fence. Let's dig a moat and put crocodiles in it.

[Gina Grad]

Wholeheartedly.

[Allison Rosen]

She wasn't ready for crocodile thing.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I see.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I thought that's her whole thing. She's on board with whatever you think.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Theresa, Teresa's yesterday's news girl. You're the new one.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly. Yeah, I occasionally have opinions of my own.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Not gonna do that at KABC for at least a month.

[Bald Bryan]

I would like to find a bunny rabbit and put an M80 up its ass.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

I would like to take a van and fill it with C4 and drive it into a preschool filled with special needs kids.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

I would like to secretly get the launch codes to our nuclear arsenal and go to Cheyenne Mountain and wage a war on Central Europe. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Gina Grad]

I would like to take what rightfully belongs to news girl Teresa Strasser.

[Bald Bryan]

I agree wholeheartedly. If I was in charge. If I was in charge of the prisons, I'd leave everyone in there for a minor pot or prostitution offense and let all the pedophiles and the murders out.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

See? Wow, this could be an awesome show.

[Gina Grad]

I think it's too much trouble and expense to get those minors out in Chile. Let's just leave them down there. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, T Bone?

[Gina Grad]

Yep.

[Bald Bryan]

Do you have some news ready to go?

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

From the international news center next to.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Gina Grad]

As I just alluded to, 33 miners are trapped deep inside a gold and copper mine in Chile. Now, the good news is they think they're going to be able to get them out. The bad news is we're talking about Christmas. I mean, they're going to be in there for four months.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. A team of doctors and psychiatric experts has arrived at the mine trying to establish a sense of the miner's sanity. They need to understand what we know up here at the surface, that it will take many weeks for them to reach the light, says the health minister of Chile.

[Bald Bryan]

I agree wholeheartedly. Wait a minute, how, how does it work? I mean are they. Well, usually there's some sort of cave in, in which case there's enough oxygen or whatever to last a couple of days and then that's that. But there must be a facility down there.

[Gina Grad]

There's some sort of facility. There's a line that's going to supply them with food, water, medicine and communications. They're sending down capsules that have some sort of high energy glucose gel as well as questionnaires to determine each miners condition and small microphones to enable them to speak with their. Oh my God. If you were down there you could do a radio show. Yeah, you'd have so much to complain about.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I'd be like, oh man. Hey, who's up there? Can I. First off, those glucose gel cells. I don't know which German scientist came up with that shit, but could someone send down a. God, some goddamn pinto bean soup or something? I'm gonna put my mouth. You know what, let's try New England clam chowder, you ass wipes. Jesus Christ. And hey, and by the way, could you stuff some porn down that fucking flume? I'm this close to blowing one of these dudes. Oh for the love of Christ. And hey, I. Listen, I understand. Could you feed a cable down here? Because I get. Oh, we get no reception and I gotta watch fucking the wb, who they form with. Yeah, if I see another fucking episode of Gossip Girls I'm gonna kill myself. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Gina Grad]

Wait, Tracy would climb down there just to get on his Chilean minor show.

[Bald Bryan]

Could somebody send that Tracy metro down here so she could do some news? Let's see. Oh, are my kids there? Tell them. Oh, tell them for Christmas this year they're gonna get a lump of copper ore and I'm gonna smoke. And by the way, is the owner of the mine up there? Because I gotta tell you this, if I don't get a fucking bonus this year, I swear to God I'm this close to eating a co worker. Do you understand? I don't know whether to blow the guy or eat him. Jesus Christ. And listen, I know you guys all think you got a sense of humor up There. But if you fucking pump down Man Eater one more time, I swear to God, I'll go on a killing spot. Now I want to hear some goddamn John Hyatt. Early Hyatt. All right. I'm going to drink some more of my own yard.

[Gina Grad]

33 guys down there and a lot of them are having their spirits boosted by receiving letters from relatives. Now, I can only imagine your mom and dad putting pen to paper to send you a letter down the mine shaft to cheer you up.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, beer guy we forgot to give a middle name to. Maybe this is awkward, but. Well, it's not a loan. John wants to rebuild the porch and wants to know if you could put the bill for the lumber. You don't have to do the work until you get out of the grave. I mean, hole the space again. He'll front the money, but you know he's going to shove down a receipt if you could go ahead and sign that so he could be reimbursed when he comes up top. And your dad said he wants to, you know, spend the time with you in the hole. Really? Really. Getting really. He says you're not here, but he feels like you're here because he heard you did a show called the Ma'am hold on the man show and that some of those might be out on what they call a video disc and he's looking for one on ebay right now. So anyway, he wants to know if he could borrow some money. Needs a new mouthpiece for his trumpet and some oil for the valves. Anyway, we'll call you when we need something. Take care. Sounds great.

[Gina Grad]

Well, you know how you said you ruined me and a lot of the times you make your. Your co host like Dr. Drew Cynical. You take their good hearts and you blacken them just a little.

[Bald Bryan]

Like the lungs of those miners.

[Gina Grad]

Exactly. I think that may have happened to me a little bit. Because you've probably heard this story about the hostess at Disney that does not want. She wants to wear her headscarf and Disney doesn't want her to. Yeah, I found myself feeling a little bit like a right wing nut job because I am thought to myself, wait, you worked there at Disney for two years without wearing a headscarf and then you decided it was important to you to wear a headscarf? Well, now they've offered her an alternative. They've offered her a specially designed hat. Unfortunately, it is like a hat and bonnet thing.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And she says it's offensive. I know, but God just wants you to cover your head. So either work Somewhere else. Or wear the fucking bonnet. I don't understand. Jobs are hard to come by. It's Disney. They have tons of stupid rules about what color nail polish you can wear and what kind of facial hair you can have.

[Bald Bryan]

Of course. Look, be a fucking beekeeper or welder or something where you need some fucking headgear. And here's the other thing, too. Yes. When you have a business, especially when it's a business that caters to kids and you're essentially creating a little fantasy, you step out of reality and into this fantasy. Well, they probably have a whole bunch of rules, like tattoos. They probably don't want to see a bunch of guys wearing cutoff sleeves and showing off their tattoos. And then a lot of people go, well, yeah, but that's not a religious thing. Well, maybe the guy's a Samoan and it's a tribal tattoo, and it's very important to his tribe. I mean, you can distill this thing down to almost anything at any time. The reality is, is whether you own a. And I'm all for, by the way. Like, if you're George Steinbrenner, God rest his soul, and you own the Yankees and you don't want any of your players to have facial hair, and you're the guys cutting the check to everyone who's getting $12 million a year, then that's your fucking business. And if players don't want to play for you because they like a nice mustache or some pork chop sideburns, then that's their business. That's the marketplace sort of settling the problem. But as long as you're cutting the checks, you're not allowed to say an employee. Hey, man, I need a reach around. Teresa, I'm talking to you.

[Gina Grad]

I'm sorry.

[Bald Bryan]

I know it seemed like a shift.

[Gina Grad]

For saying you're playing.

[Bald Bryan]

No, no. I mean, I need to be. I agree wholeheartedly. My point. That's my point.

[Gina Grad]

Now I've really got to. Hold on.

[Bald Bryan]

You're not allowed to say, hey, sweetie, I need a blowjob. But you are allowed, I would say, whether you're. You know, if you own a Hooters, you can't say, sorry. You can't wear the oversized sweatpants and the hoodie. That's not our business. And if you're McDonald's. If you're McDonald's, you have. When I was at fucking McDonald's, they made me wear a plastic smock that made me sweat all the way through. I was already wearing 10ft of polyester standing over that fucking Grill. But my manager, Ken, who's a dick, was like, put the smock on. And I was like, it's so goddamn hot standing over this girl. He's the manager. It's McDonald's. If I don't like it, I can leave almost any job. And I even believe this, even with certain degrees of harassment. Sexual harassment or. Listen, if your boss is a dick, if he's coming on to you, if he's out of line, you know what? Pack up and get the fuck out of there.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Or why don't you just learn how to deal with it?

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

In a graceful way. I'm not. Now, obviously, if someone did say, blow me or you're fired, clearly that's a case of sexual harassment. But if somebody's just flirting with you, she just, you know, like the redhead on Mad Men. The way she just sort of handled. Listen, everyone's hitting on her, and she just sort of disables it and moves on and keeps the office running.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, like to turn her into a whitehead. Yeah. Yes. Shut the fuck up and move on. And here's the thing. We're too fucking tolerant and we have too many ears. There's a lot.

[Gina Grad]

Mouse ears.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, well, we do a lot of debating. Yeah, save it for Tilden, sweetie. He likes the puns. No, the point is this. No, we do a lot of. We have to talk about it. We have to sit down with her. We have to discuss it. Then her lawyers need to get involved and ACLU needs to get involved. And then the Anti Arab Defamation League needs to get involved, and then religious leaders get involved. Here's how I'd like to get involved. My fucking finger in your ass. Get the fuck out of here. Either don't wear the fucking burqa or shut the fuck up.

[Gina Grad]

Well, they're willing to accommodate her. Her religious beliefs by allowing her to wear a different kind of hat.

[Bald Bryan]

Hey, listen, here's the deal. Your religious beliefs are for Saturday or Sunday or whatever the fucking Sabbath is during the fucking week. There's no religious beliefs. You go to fucking work.

[Gina Grad]

The truth is. The sad truth is that people are really terrified of Muslims. And a lot of people's attitudes about Muslims are steeped in ignorance. And that's what's going on, if you ask me, with this mosque.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

However, in this particular case, I don't. I don't understand why this woman can't just get a different job or wear the head cover.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, that's the whole. The whole point is this. Whether you're this bitch or you're Spidey. You're just drawing attention to yourself, that's all. Everything is just a chance. It's just a news story. Get a publicist. At some point, somebody named Gloria is going to represent you. You're going to have a photo op. You'll get a few. Somebody who's got some deep pockets will settle up with you in some way, shape or form. It'll translate into a few dollars. You'll get a reality show instead of just telling everyone to shut the fuck up and move on.

[Gina Grad]

Right? Exactly. When I was working at a restaurant in San Francisco, not Hooters, I was pulled aside because my hair was too frizzy and they didn't think.

[Bald Bryan]

I agree wholeheartedly. Listen, tube of Jubigon you can rub in now.

[Gina Grad]

Here.

[Bald Bryan]

Your hair was too frizzy.

[Gina Grad]

And I'd wear it in a ponytail. And it was a nice restaurant, so I'd wear a tie and a white shirt and an apron. But my hair was, I guess, too frizzy.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you're ruining the nachos because a lot of that was just breaking off and laying in. You're like.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like Jean Shallot.

[Gina Grad]

It was an aesthetic. It was an aesthetic problem for this restaurant. And now what the.

[Bald Bryan]

Roseanne, Rosanna Dan is bringing you your salad.

[Gina Grad]

Well, it looked a little like that, but I figured I've got a couple options. I can get Gloria Allred or I can get a flat iron.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

How hard is it? You don't like frizzy hair? I'd like to keep this job. Why don't I just flat iron?

[Allison Rosen]

The flat iron doesn't grandstand.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's true. Or a fuchsia lipstick.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. All right. Well, good. I'm glad I've turned you toward the dark side.

[Gina Grad]

Not so far. Not so far toward it, but in this one. Because after this mosque story just getting so much heat and it being just. I was so depressed and now, you know, everyone thinks Obama's a Muslim again and they call it this mosque at Ground Zero when it's really an Islamic cultural center blocks away. I started getting so depressed. But then when this story came out, I thought, mmm, I don't think so.

[Bald Bryan]

Later. Here's my take.

[Gina Grad]

Not feeling it.

[Bald Bryan]

My take as an atheist with all religions is could you assholes please shut the fuck up? Just all you shut up. Just so tired of hearing your shit. You want to open a cultural center or mosque, you know, you want to wear your head garb, any side, whatever it is, whatever your religious religion, Fine. Play it close to the vest. Play it, you know.

[Gina Grad]

Well, see, within this case, you know, it's like a JJCC or a YMCA. It's that kind of thing. And it was close to the vest. It was sort of a zoning issue until an Ann Coulter type blogger got hold of it and turned it into the Ground Zero Mosque.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

And that's unfortunate.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, Well, I don't know physically how far it is. And it's weird because I heard somebody saying in New York, two blocks is. And I thought they're going to say a short distance, but they said a long distance. But I've walked 44 blocks in New York. And then they vary. My whole thing is, is I'd have to go down and physically see if it seemed too close. My take is this. They have certain zoning rules where it's like, all right, you can't have an adult bookstore within, you know, 500 yards of a school campus or something like that. They're little sort of bars. They're little things. There's not really. It's not like their lives at stake. But it's just one of those. Don't put this next to that. Okay, I understand. And I can understand not putting something that honors that religion too close to the space where a lot of people lost a lot of loved ones. But I don't know how close it actually is. I keep hearing two blocks. I don't know what that means. I just. As an atheist, you know, I turn on the news, they got a new Middle east peace thing going on. I'm sure that's going to happen in just a few short minutes. This chick wants to wear a thing that chicks. These guys want to do their YMCA mosque down next to Ground Zero. Fuck it. Who gives a shit? Please stop talking about it. It doesn't exist. Everybody. You guys understand we're just talking about fairy tales, right? Pie in the sky. Nothing. Nothing ever happens. The fucking 19 guys flew the planes into the fucking Trade Towers are dead and they're gone. And they're zeros. They're not banging virgins. They're not hanging out with Allah playing a fucking lute or a harp. They're zero. They're nothing. It drives me insane. Why don't people start talking about this more? Really? Are we that fucking stupid? We're narcissists who are aware of our own demise. And we have to create a fairy tale. And every land has invented their own. And some of them are more docile and others are more aggressive. But every culture has their own little fairy tale and guess what? None of them end with nothing. Like, you die, you go to the ground and fucking maggots start eating you. They all. They all end with you going up and you doing something and you reuniting and you being with Allah or Bodhisattva or whoever the fuck you are. It's a fairy tale, you idiots. You have no more chance of going anywhere than your fucking dog did when your dad backed over it in the seventh grade. So please shut the fuck up and let me enjoy the few short years that I have on the fucking planet. Cause the joke's gonna be on me. I'm gonna have to hear you assholes going round and round and round and round and round with all your fucking retarded religious beliefs. And then I'm gonna die and have nothing. I'm gonna stare at the fucking lid of a coffin for eternity. And when I close my eyes and look back on my life, you know that thing where they go, oh, you close your eyes. You fucking close your eyes and you flash back and you think, I'm gonna hear religious assholes arguing. That's what my life will be. That'll be. The totality of my life is hearing religious ass wipes arguing over nothing. It doesn't exist. At least fucking have it be a bridge or some money or the Hope diamond or Bugatti. Have it be a fucking condo and Boca Raton. Have it be something instead of zero, which is what it is, you fucking ass wipes. And you know it's zero. That's why you're so fucking zealous. That's why you're zealots. They know it's a zero. Oh, believe me, they know. Believe me, there's a fucking part of their brain that knows it's a zero. They wouldn't be killing people if they didn't know it was a zero. They wouldn't be fucking suing people and arguing so vehemently if they. If they didn't know somewhere it was a zero. They know it. They're. They're human beings, but they're animals first and they know there's nothing. Next story. Next fucking shits shut.

[Gina Grad]

Did you see the Pat Tillman Story movie? There is an amazing scene during Pat Tillman's funeral where there's a lot of military people talking and a lot of bullshit. Pat Tillman's younger brother gets on stage. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Gets on stage in a T shirt and jeans. He's got a beer in his hand. Looks like it's A Guinness. He gets up. Now, this is a very formal funeral because at the time this was a military hero who'd been killed in battle with the enemy. Right. Which we all found to be untrue. Brother gets up there with his beer, his jeans, and he says, I just want to say that all of you guys talking about my brother in heaven. My brother didn't fucking believe in that. He's in the fucking ground. He's gone.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

And he sort of said it with a little bit of a smirk, like he wasn't, you know, but he just said, my brother didn't believe in that. And he's in the fucking ground. I just had to say that. And that was his eulogy.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

It is pretty stunning. So should we wrap up this part of the news and bring in Larry?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, bring in that. Teresa's news coming up. If you don't listen, you're an anti Semite.

[Gina Grad]

Pat Tillman's from your neck of the woods, right? Paul, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know for sure. Race Ryan played Arizona State and played for the Cardinals.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And by the way, just looked like he was like testosterone ripped off of that guy. God, that guy was just old man.

[Mike August]

By the way, I have now a brain tattoo with the exact rhythm, the exact inflection I'm going to have for the rest of my life of. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

I can't.

[Mike August]

The exact inflection.

[Bald Bryan]

I know.

[Mike August]

Driving home in the middle of the night. I agree wholeheartedly. If they reconstitute the KGB in Lubyanka Prison in Moscow, where they had that basement room with the drain. And if you saw that drain, by the way, that was it. Because there was. There was dried blood on the end of that. That's the room where you walk. You see that drain? They say, kneel down, please. And that was it.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Mike August]

If they reconstitute the KGB just to give me an IP Crest file. Brain drain. Where everything is gone. If there's anything left at all. And they say, larry, can you speak? Do you have anything? Kids, birthday's gone. Everything gone. Drinking gone. Women gone. Everything's gone. The last thing that there will be. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Mike August]

Yeah, again, I think exact. Because of that inflection.

[Gina Grad]

That's so funny because I have a brain tattoo of you. It's. You know what one it is. Here we go.

[Bald Bryan]

We're driving to Florida.

[Gina Grad]

It's. Is there anything I.

[Bald Bryan]

Is there anything.

[Gina Grad]

You do that.

[Bald Bryan]

Why don't we take a five minute break?

[Mike August]

No, what is that? That's just funny. What else do you do that's wrong?

[Bald Bryan]

That.

[Gina Grad]

That one I hear all day. I love that one.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what that's from?

[Mike August]

But now stop speaking. You know what, by the way, though, Every time I hate when people come on every talk show, every TV thing, every cable thing, when they're selling everyone.

[Bald Bryan]

That's not the selling.

[Mike August]

That's not what I hate. When they get asked something, it's the.

[Bald Bryan]

It's the.

[Mike August]

I agree wholeheartedly. They always say, this drives me nuts. Of, you know, that's a great question.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

And that, you know, that's a fantastic question. That is a really spectacular question. Out of all the questions I've ever been asked. I'm stunned about how great the question was. And then they just give their answer. You want to say you're already on the show. You're already selling your book.

[Bald Bryan]

Shut up.

[Mike August]

You don't have to grease anybody up.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you know what it is? When you're dumb, you go. And then you answer. When you're smart, you go. At the end of the day.

[Gina Grad]

See your star.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what Larry asked. I'm glad you asked that question. I'm glad you asked that question.

[Gina Grad]

I'd like to take a long look at that.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, I'd like to answer that question the following way at the end of the day. Yeah, that's the cop version of. What I'm going to need you to do right now is go ahead and step out of the car. Okay? Right now. Like, because if you just. If politicians just went. You go, well, that guy's an idiot. But instead they go, larry, Larry Miller, that is a fine, fine question. I'm glad you asked me that. And I'm prepared to address that in the following manner. First off, let me say this. I'm a family man. I live in this community. I raise my children in this community. So I have the same concerns that you all have as well. My kids attend the same schools your kids attend. I have to go out and work. I put my pants on one leg at a time. Larry, what was the question again?

[Gina Grad]

I'm gonna vote for you. I don't even care what the question was.

[Bald Bryan]

Glad you asked that question.

[Gina Grad]

The other one is, you know what you should be asking is.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Mike August]

Yeah, well, that's. By the way, I would turn it. But I have to say quickly. I love the cop thing of when you're doing. Go ahead. You know what I'm gonna need you to do is go ahead and get out.

[Bald Bryan]

I love to Go ahead, go ahead. I don't like it. I'm getting it on the airline now. Like, I. Like a. Could you go ahead and put that seatbelt on for me, by the way? For me? For you? We have that kind of relationship. How long have we been dating, first of all? And then what if I put the seatbelt on for you? Do I get a blowjob later on in the men's room? Like, what. What do I get out of this.

[Mike August]

Deal, by the way? For me, I agree wholeheartedly. But I also, when that, that's. I really always thought when they say, for me, would you do this for me? Would you put the seatbelt on for me? And sometimes if you're really being a jerk, sometimes you get the small touch on the forearm, right?

[Bald Bryan]

The.

[Mike August]

Would you do this for me? And I always thought, I mean, years ago, 15, 20 years ago, I thought they hired a psychologist in the whole industry to say that if you make it personal, whatever the instruction are, and look someone in the eye because they.

[Bald Bryan]

Deal with a lot of jerks, I'll tell you what it is. And it's something we've gone through on the radio show. We haven't gotten into it too much on the podcast, which is cops do tons of extra talk because. And I'm sure at the academy they train them same way they train them to use pepper spray and use the baton. You essentially have a pool of dumb guys, and everyone hates it when I speak ill the cops. But it's hard not to, especially if you're in the Glendale, Burbank area or Los Angeles when there's so many chicken shit tickets handed out for nothing. I'm sure most of these guys wanted to do the right thing when they decided to sign up, but they ended up just writing chicken shit tickets for no front license plate. But you have a pool of essentially dumb guys, like the dumb guys from your high school, the guys who played on the football team and then played a year and a half of JC ball before they blew out their knee. Those are the guys, the sort of doofusy dudes you went to high school with, because, let's face it, if you want to be a cop, you're probably a doofus dude. And these doofus dudes, they let their fists do their talking, or they would let the wrestling do their talking or the football do their talking, but their mouth. These guys weren't a bunch of class clowns and not a lot of Chatty Cathys in that group. So what they do is they say, look, we Have a pretty dumb guy, and he's not exactly a wordsmith. And he's going to be pulling over a lot of people. Some of those people are going to be inebriated, intoxicated. Some of the people are going to be doing that. Hey, man, what's the matter? No one's robbing a bank. What do you mean? Speed? You got the wrong guy. You didn't hit me with the radar gun. That was right. There's no other guy driving a silver Paula in North Hollywood in blah, blah, blah. And what they do is they shut them down through the extra speak. And they know if they leave a gap, like, if you go, so could I have your license, and then just go silent for long periods of time, you're going to get a lot of. Officer, what is this about? I've never been written up a ticket before. I don't understand why I pay my taxes. But if you do a lot of. Sir, what I'm going to need you to do for me right now is go ahead and give me your license and then go ahead and give me your license and proof of registration, okay? Right now you can't do anything. Your mind is just processing what they're saying. There's no talking back to them. So I think it's a weird, retarded kung fu move they learn at police academy. And that's why they do it otherwise. And the stewardesses do it, too. They don't want you. It's like waitresses and waiters have no peripheral vision. I've had guys walk past me, like, fucking flapping my hands up like I'm on the deck of an aircraft carrier and have them walk right past me and go, if that was a normal human being, they'd have to turn and acknowledge you. But as a waiter and a waitress, you can't stop and look at every yahoo who wants to fill up on their iced tea, Right? So you learn this skill. I think the stewardesses and the cops learn the talk over skills. So you do not get the. Hold on. I ordered Miller Lite about an hour ago. What the. Sir, what I need you to do for right now, let's go ahead and buckle that up. Please get seated up. Advertisements. Okay. Right now.

[Gina Grad]

No, it's like a phone sex line. You can't leave a gap. Then that guy's gonna decide to hang up or finish. Gotta keep it going.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay? Right now go ahead and come on my face. All right? Right now.

[Mike August]

But it's the go ahead again. Yeah, it's the go ahead that I Love, by the way, where I hate the talking thing is, I think they all get taught, like hostage negotiators are talk. Just keep the guy talking.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Mike August]

And I have so little pain when it's someone on a virgin. Want to say, you know what? You have slowed traffic down for seven hours. You have stopped people going to work and coming home. You know, a zillion dollars in. In people and rescue workers who are getting already. You know what? You jump now or you shut up and go home and let's get this done right now. And either way, I don't care.

[Bald Bryan]

Suicide prevention. That's. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You got to show.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Right now. Yeah. It's weird. The. For me now, it's kind of like when they go. When you're at the market and they go, have a nice day now, they put the now at the end. Have a nice day now. Goodbye. I don't need the now. I don't need that kind of pressure. But for me, it's weird, because what part of buckle your seatbelt would you not understand?

[Gina Grad]

I have to disagree wholeheartedly because first.

[Mike August]

Wait, I think you mean wholeheartedly.

[Gina Grad]

Wholeheartedly, yeah. Because for some reason, I've actually always liked that. Maybe because I flew from such a young age. There's something maternal like, can you do that for me? I. I like it, by the way.

[Mike August]

So do I.

[Bald Bryan]

That's. That's the same. The exact same inflection Colonel Clink spoke with. You're right.

[Mike August]

You put a little waiver on the end of it.

[Bald Bryan]

Hogan, he'd go up.

[Mike August]

What else do you do that's wrong?

[Bald Bryan]

All right, so you, like, before me.

[Gina Grad]

I don't know.

[Mike August]

I like the. For me, too, by the way. And I'll tell you why. There's an old thing we used to have, as when we were all baby comics and we started working around the country. We always knew when. And we were single, so we were always talking about. What's the word? Women. And so we always knew, though, and we compared notes, and there was a thing that Southern women did which was familiar.

[Bald Bryan]

Like that.

[Mike August]

That was shattering. It was. You know, it was like the Beach Boys song. Well, east coast girls do this or Northwest girls do that. But there's an older Southern woman thing where they would touch the forearm, and I'm telling you, that was death. When someone would look at you and say, you know, it's so interesting. A little touch on the. For just a light touch on the forearm. The personal touch. Now, Admittedly, we were 23, and we're looking for anything. But I thought that was so cool and so strong, and that's my version. I think it's in the same world for me.

[Bald Bryan]

All right.

[Mike August]

Would you do this for me? Yes, I will. In fact, if they could have said that to terrorists, would you do me a favor? Would you get out of the cockpit right now for me? Oh, okay, sure.

[Gina Grad]

Just do something for me. Just put down the box. Cut it for me.

[Mike August]

That's just for me. And by the way.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure.

[Mike August]

And by the way, are you a virgin?

[Bald Bryan]

All right, well, I'm gonna need you to do right now is go ahead and do some hypothetical questions for me, okay? Right now. It's the hypothetical road. Go ahead. I like to go ahead. Go ahead. Give me a life break. Go ahead. Wrong answers. All right, Larry, here we go. Three questions, no wrong answers.

[Mike August]

Well, that's the best part, because, you know, I. I haven't. I've. My record has not been unblemished, but I. I always have hope. So let's just go.

[Bald Bryan]

This is the. This is. Yeah, this is the Santa Monica Pier to the Epcot center in Orlando. Here we go. Right? The guy who works on the screenplay at Starbucks. He's sawing away on that thing all day versus the Holocaust denier. Wow, that's.

[Mike August]

That's deep and easy. First of all, I. There's no other pairing. I would know. I was about to pounce and say, I can never be in a closed space with the guy who's writing the screenplay at Starbucks. First of all, I always want to say, you got to go now. They can't make a living. Someone else needs that chair. It's only $1.75 you spent.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Mike August]

I just don't get that. And plus, you want to say you're not writing a screenplay. No one can write a screenplay. You shouldn't have windows. You should have a closed room like this with cinder blocks.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. Want to be a writer.

[Mike August]

So I normally despise that guy, but I can't. I can't live on the same planet. I would actually commit a manslaughter with a Holocaust denier.

[Bald Bryan]

What? I thought that was good, because you could turn him around. Larry, I can't. You could. You would convince him. You're very convincing. And you know what? What if he convinced me? What if we ended the trip with.

[Mike August]

Me saying I agree wholeheartedly?

[Bald Bryan]

You would Google a couple of images, and I think you would win him over with your Holocaust humor. Oh, no, I don't think that's a lot of pressure.

[Mike August]

One of us would be dead.

[Bald Bryan]

Or I would agree, win him over. And then you know what? You'd infect him with truth and love and he'd go back to his little clan meeting and he would spread like the AIDS virus. The aids of truth.

[Mike August]

The AIDS of truth.

[Bald Bryan]

That's not a good patient title, by the way.

[Mike August]

I don't know what is the aids of truth.

[Bald Bryan]

Sorry. Oh, for one. Larry, let's keep moving. I'm gonna have to ask you to quick complaining. Okay. Right now. Okay. For me.

[G]

All right.

[Bald Bryan]

Agent of a D list celebrity who doesn't know his client is a D list celebrity. I've had to deal with a couple of these ass wipes like where they. They ask for money and it's like that's more than. Huh, Dixon. Yeah. That's one on his D list. Or the guy who treats everything. Everything he says is controversial. He. It's not controversial, but he decides with a holocaust.

[Gina Grad]

How do we know there was a Holocaust?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Mike August]

By the way, I. First of all, I would never drive. This is easy. I would never drive with the guy who makes everything controversial because he's a serious boar. He's a serious moron. At least the D list guy. The agent to the D list celebrities.

[Bald Bryan]

I could.

[Mike August]

I would love to say to me that's hope springs eternal. And this guy. I would rather have that agent selling an actor than a. Agents who never pick up the phone and just wait for the calls to come in. So you know what I would always take never. The boring guy who makes things controversial. Always take the D list agent who is always talking up his client.

[Gina Grad]

And don't just. What I know given a moment. Because there's times when sometimes, Larry, he's got to be right. So sometimes.

[Bald Bryan]

No, it. No, it just seems, you know, you.

[Gina Grad]

Don'T even take a second to process.

[Bald Bryan]

No, I love that. That.

[Mike August]

It's like asking the third base ump going for the.

[Bald Bryan]

Wait a minute. What? That was a. That was a.

[Gina Grad]

Take another look going him.

[Mike August]

And he goes.

[Gina Grad]

No, no replay.

[Bald Bryan]

No replay. And no. No explanation on that one. That's just wrong. And you know who agrees with me? Who? One tra. Tracy Metro. That's who.

[Gina Grad]

I agree wholeheartedly. Her agent is gonna be on the trip with you. I agree wholeheartedly. And also maybe that agent can book Rochelle Spector again on the show.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, shall we do one more. Let's see if we can just get out. Let's get out of victory here. Okay. A chick obsessed with the benefits of breastfeeding never stops talking about how important it is to the development and oh, they work. Oh, the white blood cells and the disease and these kids. And then starts quoting a bunch of. Bunch of studies out of.

[Gina Grad]

They'll get asthma.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, they'll get asthma. Or the. Or the high school drama teacher, heavyset woman tells you stories that you know are. I worked a semester with Woody Harrelson when he was 15 years of age. He told me once I was the best. That person, by the way.

[Mike August]

Heavyset, but with really nice nails.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, yes.

[Mike August]

No, his. I would always drive. Always drive with the. With the heavy. Give me the first one again.

[Bald Bryan]

I forgot I had a good joke.

[Mike August]

I would never drive with the drama teacher because I don't want to hear her, you know, her emptiness about what she's done and always I have to pick any time any woman is going to be talking about breasts, I have to go with that. What that's I happen to like.

[Bald Bryan]

That's incorrect. Could be nice. I'll tell you it once again. Again we've run into this before. You're going to be eating a lot of fast food. You're going to be driving through, you're eating on the road and she's going to be explaining how that stuff enters the system is passed through the milk. At a certain point you're going to want to pop a Percocet or something like that. She's going to say that that again can be. And then she's going to do some double extrapolation where if you were actually impaired when you during inception that your seed could be poisoned somehow. And everything from the headliner in the rental car to the fabric on the seat to the fast food hot chili dog, you were devouring it all be how it enters your system and leaves.

[Gina Grad]

Via the pump in the car.

[Bald Bryan]

By the way. Yes, she could be pumping in the car. Well, by the way, I'm sorry. It's one of those.

[Mike August]

Perhaps you're right. But you know what?

[Bald Bryan]

Perhaps, perhaps ask Tracy Metro. I agree wholeheartedly.

[Mike August]

Correct him about that though. Is again the French braisedone in and we've run into this before but.

[Bald Bryan]

You.

[Mike August]

Know, sometimes you'll be stopping a lot.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm so sorry, Larry. Thank you so much for coming. Better luck next time you play the hypothetical road trip game, you go to Larry Miller humor.com and you find out all the dates where he's playing coming to a town near you. Larry, thank you again to come in here and really go through what you go through with this on a weekly basis.

[Gina Grad]

You feel like The Daniels act against him outro already.

[Bald Bryan]

And you know what? Nobody's rooting harder for you than our team here. Wow, really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, nobody. There's no group. There's no bigger. Wholeheartedly no bigger group of Larry Miller fans here. And we're all pulling so hard for you, Larry. Okay.

[Mike August]

Because I was detecting some cynicism, but.

[Bald Bryan]

You'Re saying no, we're all big fans. We're pulling hard for you. We're trying to stack the deck as much as we can, and what's done is done.

[Mike August]

Well, I feel better.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, again, Larry, LarryMillerHumor.com is where you go. Thank you very much, Larry. Better luck next time. Chris Parnell's getting ready to come in here. Hey, Chris Parnell. Good to see you shake my hand. How are you? Thanks for coming in.

[G]

Thanks for having me.

[Bald Bryan]

Big fan of your work on snl. All those years and now you got a new project coming up.

[G]

I do, I do, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

It premiered last Tuesday night.

[G]

Big Lake.

[Bald Bryan]

The fuck was I. I didn't see it on Comedy Central. Tuesday nights, 10 o'clock. Tell us about it.

[G]

Well, it is about this financial whiz kid who goes out into the world and brings down a major American bank. He loses everything. He loses his parents, retirement money, and he moves back home, sleeps on the sofa, and teams back up with one of his high school buddies, Glenn, played by Horatio Sands and his former high school teacher and mentor, me.

[Bald Bryan]

Horatio Sands, a funny guy. And it was on SNL and then he did a movie with Cooper Gooding Jr. And then I felt like I haven't seen him in four and a half years, but I'm sure he's doing stuff. I just don't know what he is besides this.

[G]

He was on a series called Tales from the Motherhood for a while.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheryl Hines.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that was a network show, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that you were one of the brains behind Anchorman.

[G]

I don't know. I was. I was one of the actors, and I don't know if I was one of the brains behind it.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I misread this. Oh, that. Then, yeah, I liked it. You had a beard. Funny.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And you. And. And I don't know if this is true either, but were you the only guy that was fired, rehired and then fired from snl?

[G]

You got it.

[Gina Grad]

So you've been fired twice by Lorne Michaels?

[G]

I have.

[Gina Grad]

What is that like?

[G]

Well, the first time was. Was tough because I wasn't really ready for it and I wasn't really ready to go. But the second time was I was okay with it because I'd been there, like, you know.

[Gina Grad]

So the first time you didn't see it coming?

[G]

Not at all. I was pretty devastated.

[Bald Bryan]

So what? Sorry for laughing? Whenever someone's devastated, that always makes me laugh. Well, as long as they're still alive.

[Gina Grad]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

You know, people are devastated. They're not. I don't laugh so much, so heartily, but.

[G]

Well, Anne Franklin, that's a good line to draw.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but these aren't real problems. These are, you know, white people problems, you know, getting canned from snl. I mean, just, just being asked to join that cast. You join. It's a pretty elite fraternity. So how many seasons before asked to leave?

[G]

I was on three. And then I didn't come back until 13 episodes into season four.

[Bald Bryan]

Uh huh. And then how is it, how do you get back? Does someone go, I'm sorry, I made a mistake or.

[G]

Yeah, just got a call from my manager saying they want to, they want to bring you back. I kept, I kept hearing the word through the grapevine that, you know, that Lauren might bring you back, but. So I was kind of in this limbo for.

[Gina Grad]

You must have been one of those people who, when they get fired, you say all the right things.

[G]

I mean, I wasn't gonna burn any bridges.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[G]

You know?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[G]

And I got, it was, it was a real outpouring of support from my fellow castmates and the writers, so I didn't feel so abandoned.

[Bald Bryan]

And I suppose you did a lot of writing on the show as well as performing.

[G]

I did.

[Bald Bryan]

And they missed both sides of Chris Farnow?

[G]

Well, yeah, I mean, I think if I knocked it out of the park more with my writing, maybe I would have, I would have stuck around longer.

[Bald Bryan]

But how, how, how did you get the gig in the first place? And I know you have to audition, but how did that, I mean, how do you even audition to audition?

[G]

Well, they saw me at the Groundlings out here.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, really?

[G]

Yeah, I was performing with the Groundlings and, And unbeknownst to me, talent scouts had come out and seen me and then asked for my reel for my agent. And, and then I just got a call out of the blue one.

[Bald Bryan]

What, what year were you with the Groundlings? I.

[G]

Let's see, I started taking classes in 90 and then I made it into the company, probably like 96.

[Bald Bryan]

So 96 insane four years later. And some of your teachers, because I went through there as well. But I Never made it into the company. Probably had some of this Mindy Sterling and pieces, people like that.

[G]

Mindy Sterling.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[G]

I don't know if Mindy was actually one of my teachers, but, I mean, I certainly know Mindy.

[Bald Bryan]

The thing was, it's insane when you're at the Groundlings. You get so. So caught up in essentially making the team that it becomes your sort of your whole life. Right? Yeah.

[G]

I mean, it's pretty serious. I mean, they tell everybody who comes in and don't plan on being in the Sunday company or the main company, just come here and take the classes and enjoy that.

[Bald Bryan]

I listened. I was different than you, Chris. I had no intention of. And did you do. Do they do it the same way you do? You know, beginning, and then you do intermediate, and then you do a writing lab and then you do advanced.

[G]

That's exactly right.

[Bald Bryan]

And, well, I went through the program.

[G]

Clearly you did.

[Bald Bryan]

And when they do the advanced thing, they do this thing, which is horrific. Which is. And you tell me if they changed it from my years to your years, because I was probably four or five years before you. You do your. It was so much pressure because either you make the Sunday Company, in which case you're sort of on your way, or you're just asked to go home. And when they ask you to go home, they don't mean come back next week, they just mean sort of go home. So it's this sort of thing where, as Chris was saying, it was four years between the time you take your first class. And it's essentially. It's like going all the way through college and then getting to graduation, having a guy flip a coin, and either you graduate or you go home and you can't come back to campus. So it was really weird. So the way they did it when I did it is for your advanced class, you do one show pretty early on, and then about six or eight weeks later, you do a second show, and the following morning they would vote to see whether you got in. And they'd go, we weigh them equally. Except for if you did one show in April and then you did another show in June, and then they voted the following morning after the one you did in June, they'd probably just do the one you did in June.

[G]

Well, you would think that. But I know from having done a much better first show and then kind of got a little lazy with a second show that you still made it in, you fucker. But I think if it hadn't been for the first one, it wouldn't I.

[Bald Bryan]

Did a very good first show and a horrible second show. And then four hours later, they. Oh, they probably just vote that night and go, all right, well, he's gone. And how can you not? Because one of the shows you just saw and the other one's like, wasn't he in that bit where he played a mechanic? I can't remember the other shit he did.

[G]

Well, also, it has so much to do with who's. Who's in the company at the time and, you know.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Whether there's an opening or a need for the kind of thing you do.

[Bald Bryan]

When you didn't have opening for Non Funny guy trying to make it in.

[Gina Grad]

When you auditioned for Lauren, did you have characters that you did at the time?

[G]

I did. They asked for three characters and three impressions, and I. I did four characters with quotes around them and two impressions because I really didn't. Wasn't an impression.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, so you came out with six total. Yeah. But what impressions did you do, by the way?

[G]

I did. I did Tom Brokaw.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah, Well, I. That's.

[G]

Which I ended up doing on the show.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. Yeah.

[G]

And then I did this. This guy was an MTV VJ at the time named Jesse. Tall, lanky, kind of weird guy.

[Bald Bryan]

And I mean, Brokaw. I mean, I was gonna say not Brokaw, but you have a news anchor sound. Just in general, I could see it doing a lot of VO work. And it's also sort of. I don't know if it's a Canadian voice of authority or I don't know what. Where it comes from. Where are you from?

[G]

I'm from Memphis.

[Bald Bryan]

I knew it. Memphis, Montreal, and. But there's a very. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Isaac Hayes from Memphis as well.

[G]

Yeah, that's right.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. We spoke to Isaac shortly before his tragic demise.

[G]

That's cool that you got.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Are you. Are you a fan of Chris Parnell, Isaac? No. Wow. What do you mean? Sometimes. You like Brokaw, right? All right. You didn't watch snl. But. But Anchorman is funny, right?

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

No. Oh, you like Anchorman?

[G]

I'm a.

[Gina Grad]

He shouldn't have been fired twice.

[Bald Bryan]

He's good. Oh, no, that's not good. Wait a minute, Isaac, have you seen Big Lake yet? People are saying it's really funny. No. All right, well, you should set your.

[Gina Grad]

It's got a funny premise. A guy has to move home after he loses his money.

[Bald Bryan]

What? Yeah, it's kind of like what happened to you that could. No, not good. So, I mean, Obviously, you're older than Chris Farnell, but you guys, you know, you come from the same place. Yeah. All right. So it's no big deal to you, Isaac. It's a good thing. Okay, good. I feel like Isaac really came around.

[G]

He's a really cool dude.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You were working at FAO Schwartz all the while you were training at the Groundlings?

[G]

I was, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

I worked there for, like, five years out here. I didn't know they even had one out here.

[G]

Used to be one of the Beverly Center.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, really?

[G]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

So you sound a little like Brokaw when he said that. Yeah. So you go all the way through the, the Groundlings. You go through the Sunday Company.

[G]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

And now you have to make the next cut, which is actually becoming a groundling. And again, once you get indoctrinated into this world, that's the most important thing on the planet, right?

[G]

Yeah, it's very important.

[Bald Bryan]

And so, really, it's, it's like, you know, playing high school ball, getting, Getting recruited to play in the Yankees farm team, and then at some point, just getting the nod to head up to the show. Because SNL is essentially the show. If you're an improvisational comedian and a sketch person, that, that was it. Even when I was doing it, there weren't really any other outlets but that. And so you go and you do your audition, and how do you feel it went?

[G]

I, I, it went really well. I mean, I, I, I nailed it. I, which, I wouldn't say that casually, but I, I rehearsed it so much, and it just, you know, I did exactly what I, what I meant to do with it and it. And then within, Fred Wolf, who was one of the. Who had been the head writer the previous season, he actually came out in the hall and, you know, said, that was, that was fantastic.

[Gina Grad]

So you knew that day that it had gone over well.

[G]

Yeah, I knew I'd had a good audition. I didn't, I didn't know if I was gonna make.

[Gina Grad]

When you got the call that you had made it, do you remember that?

[G]

Yeah, I do. I was, I think it was. I was at California Pizza Kitchen in the Valley, and I just. And I got a. I think I still had a pager maybe or something, and got a page for my agent and went down to the payphone and called her and found out it was. I was excited and terrified at the same time.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Yeah. It is one of those, like, you've been one of the astronauts chosen to go to the moon, like, on one hand, like. Yes. And Then the next thought is, holy shit, what if we blow up on the launching pad? Exactly. But you didn't. And not for three years. Anyway, first guy that went and came back, which is trying to think. Yeah, I guess no one else. And people have gone back and guest hosted.

[Gina Grad]

But just says a lot for you that they lobbied. It sounds like the writers and cast members lobbied.

[G]

I think supposedly Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan spoke up on my behalf. And I know one of the writers, Tishawn Shannon, wrote a sketch sort of in support of me, which was a great thing to do.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Do people ever, like, sing a lot of particular sketch or memorable thing they associate with you, like maybe their favorite or something? Does one come up more often than others?

[G]

Well, you know, cowbell, of course.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[G]

And then just saw a T shirt.

[Bald Bryan]

With that said like I need more cowbell or something on it. Some gift shop over the weekend. I gotta have more cowbell. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

The one that was my. One of my all time favorites and all of SNL was the bird feeding sketch where you were fed like a bird from Juliana Margulies. Yeah, it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.

[G]

Thank you, Will.

[Allison Rosen]

Great. Yeah, they fed him out of be. His teeth were too soft to chew food. So sitting around the table with his new date, Julian Amargulies, she was shocked. Told her that they, his family, Will Ferrell and whoever the mother was, fed him like a bird regurgitated into his mouth. Fantastic.

[Bald Bryan]

And Will was one of the writers as well as Adam McKay on the New Big Lake show.

[G]

Their production company, Gary Sanchez, was the. They're the ones that made it. They didn't write episodes per se, but they sort of had.

[Bald Bryan]

They're way too important for that.

[G]

Yeah, they are.

[Bald Bryan]

We're looking at the more cowbell T shirt as we speak. Chris, you want to hang out and help us finish the news?

[G]

Absolutely.

[Bald Bryan]

Where do you live now? Out here in Southern California, over in Silver Lake. The rest of the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Gina Grad]

Well, we have our terrible traffic jams out here in Los Angeles, but nothing like what's going on in China. There is a massive traffic jam currently in its ninth day.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, everyone's Asian, right? I mean, look, I don't want to be stereotyped here, but I think you do. Well, but just drive through Koreatown and good luck is all I'm saying. Now imagine 3 billion. Wow.

[Gina Grad]

Well, I agree wholeheartedly.

[Bald Bryan]

Listen, they're stereotypes, right? I'm just going along the stereotype Thing again. I one day want to build a wheel of stereotypes and then spin it and see where it lands. And then when it doesn't fit, you'll see how true stereotypes are.

[Allison Rosen]

You did. It was on your late night show.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I did? Yeah.

[G]

I gotta get that back.

[Bald Bryan]

No, like you, you spin the wheel, you put on. You put on huge cock. 40 inch vertical leap, spinning around, lands on Jew and everyone starts laughing and you go, why are you laughing? Because it doesn't. Doesn't fit. Controls Hollywood and it lands on Mexican or something like that. Everyone starts laughing again. They're there for a reason. If you go down, if you drive through, where do you live? Koreatown.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Is it Koreatown?

[Gina Grad]

Right on the border of Koreatown.

[Bald Bryan]

Where's Western?

[Gina Grad]

That's pretty near me.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, now let me, let me say this before all. All Guy Aoki and all the other folks crawl up my ass. Let's just call them more cautious drivers than let's say Germans. For instance. Maybe they're smarter.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe Western and Beverly things start to.

[Bald Bryan]

Slow down just a little bit as you get to that neck of the woods again. Maybe they don't want to ding the Lexus. Maybe they want to. Maybe the deductible is too high on the insurance. I don't know. But for some reason, as you enter that part of town, things slow down just a little bit. Now just imagine that times a billion and a half. That's all I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

This Traffic jam is 62 miles.

[Bald Bryan]

That's my point.

[Gina Grad]

It is between Inner Mongolia and someplace northwest of Beijing.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I commute to Inner Mongolia, so now I'm pissed. By the way, it's a guy in the JetCopter 5. Brought to you by standard brothers. My Name's Chinho Park. 855. 55. Anybody went heading out to Inner Mongolia. Who's thinking about thinking of the Emperor's Highway? Anybody think I'll drive? Oh, mattress and lanes. Futon and lanes.

[Allison Rosen]

Brake lights.

[Bald Bryan]

Anyways, come back. Oh, look out for brake lights. Slow, slow. And going to Emperor's Parkway there and taking Outer Mongolia. Yeah. Some of you may want to take all the routes like the Great Wall. All right. Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

Roadworks are obstructing traffic.

[Bald Bryan]

Also work on the forbidden palace has caused some. Sloan, go. Look out for brake lights on the upper sideway.

[G]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

Well, people are trying to make the best eight.

[Bald Bryan]

55. 55. That's down five away from top down. News, traffic, traffic, news, weather, top. Every hour complaining. Sorry.

[Gina Grad]

That they're being overcharged for food and drink. While they're stuck there, they're just gridlocked. Yeah, 62 miles of gridlock as they work on the road. This is part of the Beijing Tibet Expressway. It's heavily used by lorries.

[Bald Bryan]

That sounds like a super gay move. Like in prison. This guy's on the Beijing Tibet Expressway. Yeah.

[G]

Did they like put porta potties out there?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. What are they, what are they doing? They feeding?

[Gina Grad]

I assume they are, but yeah, people, enterprising folk have sure, you know, wheeled up food to the cars and selling them to the drivers at apparently at high prices.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure. Every Mexican out front of Staples Centers with one of those shopping carts with the propane tank and the hot dogs with the bacon around it is on their way as we speak.

[Gina Grad]

Well, a woman avoided the whole. You'll regret it when your older argument against getting tattoos.

[Bald Bryan]

Hold on. Isn't ghetto dog. Isn't that. Isn't that insensitive? Racially insensitive?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I went to school there so I can call it.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I ate many ghetto dogs.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, okay. So you're allowed to call them ghetto dogs because you're from there.

[Allison Rosen]

They're affectionately known as. You're affectionately known as ghetto dogs.

[Bald Bryan]

I didn't know that.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. Hot dogs wrapped in bacon sold on the carts.

[Gina Grad]

They mostly just have the fruit stands now.

[Allison Rosen]

Ghetto dogs, dude.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So a 101 year old woman got a tattoo. She got her first at age 99. She's from Florida. She got a sunflower on her left arm, perhaps as a symbol of Kansas, the state where she was born. Her first tattoo was of a tiny butterfly. And her second tattoo, which she received at age 100, was a small flower on her leg.

[Bald Bryan]

How do they do that on a hundred year old woman? Because I feel like her skin would walk with the needle. So they'd have to get one of those things they use for needlepoint.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Exactly.

[Bald Bryan]

That looked like one of those little hoops. And make it skin, you know, wrap it around the skin and make it taut like it's a, you know, snare drum.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a mason jar lid.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I'm glad, I'm glad you asked that question. It's an excellent question. Her tattoo artist said. Her tattoo artist actually said her skin is so fragile, it's like uncharted territory. So apparently a very delicate maneuver. She says, next time I'm getting it on my butt. So she's going to get another tattoo.

[G]

She was really cutting loose.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I was waiting for you to make guesses about her ethnicity? She is from Florida.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, she's definitely not a Jew. And I don't think the elderly black folk are into the tats. So this is hillbilly. This is. This definitely work. She's not trapped in one of those traffic jams in Beijing. I can tell you that right now, right? No, no. This is white trash. Right.

[Gina Grad]

Well, that's the fun of it. This woman's name? Mimi Rosenthal.

[Bald Bryan]

What?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Jew. Jew with a tattoo. So close to the grave.

[Gina Grad]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Doesn't she know the rules?

[Gina Grad]

There's rules?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe she doesn't want to be buried there.

[Bald Bryan]

Mmm. You can't have tattoos. Although a lot of Jews are getting buried with that GoldenPalace.com thing on their back. Hey, a buck's a buck.

[Gina Grad]

In an interview airing tonight on VH1, Fantasia Barrino opened up.

[Bald Bryan]

I have to make more racially insane, sensitive jokes for Chris.

[Gina Grad]

Are you uncomfortable about the racial insensitivity, or is it, you know.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm all right. You're okay. He's from Silver Lake.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you're fine. Fantasia Barrino opens up about her recent suicide attempt and confirms that she did indeed overdose on purpose. Quote, I didn't have any fight in me. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out.

[Bald Bryan]

Now, as I said before, with aspirin.

[Gina Grad]

You want out, you shoot yourself in the head. That's how you get out.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the way you get out.

[Gina Grad]

You take aspirin.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

It's a good scene in your reality show, which, by the way, she has Fantasia for real.

[Bald Bryan]

This was a. This was a. Nothing more than a fart for help. I'm not even gonna call it a cry. Not a cry now, a very muffled fart for help.

[Gina Grad]

She says she just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle. I wanted to go to sleep and.

[Bald Bryan]

Just be at peace.

[Gina Grad]

I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills.

[Bald Bryan]

You know, my grandmother had a little suicide pack, you know, sort of concoction of pills that she used to, like.

[Gina Grad]

A cyanide capsule or something.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, she wasn't a, you know, German officer during World War II, but, no, she had a. My grandmother was a talker, but she wasn't. You know, she was like. She liked to bust everyone's balls and sort of freak people out. And she told me, oh, you know what happened? I was putting on a. I was putting crown molding up in her bedroom once back when I was a carpenter and I was on top of this, like, armoire with this sort of had a crown molding around it. Again, she loved her crown molding. And I found a bunch of pills up there sort of hidden away. And I said, what are these pills doing on top of this dresser here? And she said, that's my little. Little thing, you know, my little suicide thing, like, in case, you know, shit myself. And it gets too bad, and I have to have someone come over and help me in and out of the bathtub and all that. I'm not going for that. I'm going out with dignity. And I was like, all right. And then about 20 years later, she was shitting on herself and, you know, getting helped in and out of the tub. And I was like, hey, grandma, remember.

[Gina Grad]

How you didn't want to.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, if you need a little help, I can give you booze.

[G]

Until it gets really out of the.

[Bald Bryan]

Way, you should walk her and knock it down. You know what I mean? But I never had the heart to say anything, but I always kind of want to go at the very end. Because she lived to, like, 95 years old. She was really decrepit. Like, she was, you know, carried in and out, lifted in and out of bed. It was that kind of thing where you're kind of like, well, this is exactly what you were talking about when you. When you were 73. This is what you were talking about not happening. But it just goes to show, when it gets down to it, I don't think anyone really wants to go. And, sorry, Chris, you don't have the.

[G]

Presence of mind to sort of figure that out.

[Bald Bryan]

It's also. It's not based. You know what it's all based on? It's based on being perfectly fine to shitting on yourself and needing help getting in and out of the tub. When you don't realize, it's a very slow march to that move. Like, when people go, oh, hey, man, if I lost my eyesight, I'd kill myself. Or if I was, you know, whatever. But if you slowly lose your eyesight, you don't really. It's all sort of based on this. Like, hey, you're Bruce Jenner, 1976, getting ready to do can't stop the Music. And now you're shitting on yourself and getting. Having some lady from the city help you out of the tub. It happens slowly. I wonder where those pills are. T Want me to get you those pills?

[Gina Grad]

I couldn't stop the minute you mentioned it. I was like, I wonder if they're still on the ground.

[Bald Bryan]

Send them to Fantasia.

[Gina Grad]

I look for friends who've had their wisdom teeth out.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

You know what I mean? Because maybe you didn't like your Vicodin. Maybe it made you nauseous.

[Bald Bryan]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

Not so much me.

[Bald Bryan]

No, that's smart.

[Gina Grad]

Thank you. Chris. I don't know if you're following the whole Jersey Shore thing.

[G]

Not so much.

[Gina Grad]

I imagine that it's not your favorite.

[G]

It's not. But please talk about it.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, well, here's the thing. Celebrities get sent goods, as you know, because let's say I'm Louis Vuitton, right? I want Jennifer Aniston to be seen carrying my Louis Vuitton bag. So I will send her a bag for free. Or Hermes or any other designer. Armani. You've probably been given free stuff or loan free stuff.

[G]

Not much.

[Gina Grad]

So you could be photographed in it. A tux.

[Bald Bryan]

I got one of those Fleshlight things.

[Gina Grad]

Did you get one of those at least?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. What do we photograph anyway?

[Gina Grad]

It's very, very common. Listen, Julia Roberts isn't buying her outfits, you know?

[Bald Bryan]

Right. She's being dressed by Carolina Herrera.

[Gina Grad]

Will give something to Renee Zellweger so she'll wear it, Right. Well, Carolina Herrera, anyway, Snooki, who's on Jersey Shore, is experiencing something called unbranding. So brands are so concerned that she'll be walking around with one of their handbags that they're sending an opposing brand handbag to her for free.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

Here's your free.

[Bald Bryan]

Interesting.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Here's your free Coach bag. Why don't you walk around with this coach? Because then you can represent Coach and not our brand.

[Bald Bryan]

That's brilliant.

[Gina Grad]

It's pretty smart. This is according to the New York observer, who says various fashion houses have been sending Snooki purses from their competitors collections because they don't want her to be seen carrying their own goods.

[Bald Bryan]

That obviously win. Win for her. Because she's still getting the Coach bag. Right. It's just being sent from Louis Vuitton. Right?

[Gina Grad]

Right. The New York observer is calling it preemptive product placement.

[Bald Bryan]

Interesting. See, I thought you were going to say that they want their tag pulled out or Greek down or tiled out or put some gaffer's tape over it. But it is funny though. Anyone who's worked in show business has at least one pair of sneakers with gaffer's tape still over the logo on the side of it in their closet that you've completely forgotten about. You don't notice five years later because somehow you walking around with a Nike swoosh on a TV show is going to ruin. Hollywood's going to come undone, and we're going to break off and fall into the sea. And they always put the tape. There's a guy in charge of putting the tape on, but there's nobody in charge of taking the tape off. That would be you. And if you forget about it, you'll walk around for months with a big chunk of tape on your Nikes. This is interesting. Yeah, I like this.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's diabolical.

[Bald Bryan]

Now, how would you feel if you were Snooki? Like, I know she's probably one of those chicks who, like, feels good about, you know, any tension is good. Yeah, I'm guessing attention. But wouldn't you feel. Would your feelings be hurt?

[Gina Grad]

It's. I can't really get a read on her. I just watched that one season of Jersey Shore.

[Allison Rosen]

She's supremely stupid. I mean, I don't say that, like, in an ironic way. I mean, I think she's really unself aware. You know what I mean? I don't think she knows that people are. Don't want to be associated with her. She sees it like, oh, I'm famous and I'm on tv. I say that because I watch the show. I love the show.

[Bald Bryan]

And. And it's also this kind of. What would you be doing otherwise? Which would be.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, absolutely.

[Bald Bryan]

You'd just be getting tit fucked in a frat house. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

She was lucky.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. That'd be a good day.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Outside the frat house would be normal.

[Bald Bryan]

On the lawn of the frat house.

[Allison Rosen]

Inside the frat house.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I see. That's a good day. All right, well, maybe it's called that.

[Gina Grad]

Meanwhile, the Situation, who's another cast member. Are you aware of him?

[G]

I've heard these names, yes.

[Bald Bryan]

I believe the Situation's head. His face looks like he's from a different era. He looks like how they used to draw cartoon palooka guys in the 30s and 40s. He has that sort of palooka how they would draw, like in Bugs Bunny cartoons. One of the guys was a troublemaker.

[Allison Rosen]

He's been a Dick Tracy cartoon.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Like, yeah, hey, listen, boys, get them. You know, it's like that kind of face. If we could find a closest look of the Situation.

[G]

Which one is he up there?

[Bald Bryan]

He'd be to the far left. And don't play stupid. You know. You know what the Situation is? Chris Perno. I don't know Snooki. I don't know the Situation.

[G]

I've heard of Snooki.

[Bald Bryan]

I need a better shot of the situations. Just the mug.

[Gina Grad]

Well, the Situation stands to earn more than $5 million by the end of the year.

[Bald Bryan]

Are you fucking kidding me? I was on MTV for four seasons. Since I got $900 an episode, I had to bring my own food.

[Gina Grad]

Let me break it down. 60 grand an episode from MTV.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, now, there's the space. Tell me, if you could just. He looks like one of the Bowery Boys. Or like they used to just sort of thugs.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone you see at the wharf. Like a knit cap on.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

A longshoreman in a 1950s movie.

[Bald Bryan]

Turtleneck, striped sweater, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Slightly bulbous nose. It could be red, like, you know, from a couple of shots of gin.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh. If you ever watch Pinocchio, all the troublemaking guys who are on the island.

[Allison Rosen]

Lampwick.

[Bald Bryan]

Is that what it's called?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no, that was the. It was. It was a pleasure island, but Lampwick was. That was the hoodlum he got hooked up with.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, find a picture of that guy. Lampwick. Yeah. Like, come on, let's smoke cigars, and then we're gonna drink rye. We'll chase the ladies and we'll shoot snooker. Yeah, that's Snookier. Snooki. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

In addition to his appearance.

[Allison Rosen]

Lampwick in the cartoon. It was Lampwick. I'm 99% sure.

[Bald Bryan]

How fucking gay of you. All right, well, let's see what that guy looks like.

[Gina Grad]

In addition to his appearance fees, which are between 15 and 50 grand, he has a fitness video, the Situation Workout, as well as a chewable supplement line. He earned a. Oh, my God. Wait, hold on. Get me your grandma's suicide kit, because this is. This next factoid is actually making me sick. Oh, no.

[Bald Bryan]

What? What?

[G]

Come on, you can do it.

[Bald Bryan]

Do it for Chris.

[Gina Grad]

He's got a book coming out. Okay, and. But this is the part that hurts me a lot. Six figure advance.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, God damn. At all.

[Gina Grad]

I've been writing for 20 years.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, well, sold my book. Oh. But he's not gonna have to ride it.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, that's a good grand.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, hold on, let me. I should have to tell you this, T. With your heritage, but six figures doesn't mean 100 grand.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, sure. You pay 15 to your manager and 10 to your agent, 20 to your ghostwriter.

[Bald Bryan]

It means it can be more than.

[Gina Grad]

100 grand because there's going to be alternative income streams here. Like when he records the audiobook.

[Bald Bryan]

No, because six. The six figure doesn't have to be 100 grand. It could be 900 grand.

[Gina Grad]

Please, no, no, I can't even. That. I can't even think about that.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm not making this up. Right. If you get a six figure deal, your six figure could be 999,000. And by the way, it can't be. His six figure deal is not 100 grand. His six figure book.

[Gina Grad]

God, this is so sweet.

[Bald Bryan]

His six figure book deal is, I would say two hundred and fifty.

[Gina Grad]

Please support the arts and don't buy the situations book. Please don't buy. Here's the situation. Buy a real.

[Bald Bryan]

It could be more. It could be more than 650. I mean it could be more than two quite easily. Well, I got more than 250 to write a fucking.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but you are somebody with things to say who's been speaking professionally for many years. This is the guy with abs.

[Bald Bryan]

Let's find out what Tracy Metro thinks of about that. I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you, Theresa.

[Gina Grad]

I got my. I asked Dr. Drew to blurb my book and the blurb he wrote was so beautifully written that I got choked up and I understood my book in a new way.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

What was Dr. Drew's blurb?

[Gina Grad]

Stunning. I should find it.

[Bald Bryan]

He asked him to blurb a blur book? Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

And first of all, most people write, probably don't really read the book and maybe they go, oh, what a funny book about prank. He, he had said he enjoyed it immensely and then he wrote something that was so beautiful.

[Bald Bryan]

He's so much better than we are.

[Gina Grad]

He's such a superior human being.

[Bald Bryan]

Superior, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

It was just so beautifully written.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

All pieces of shit. Yeah. I'll bring it. I'll bring it in.

[Bald Bryan]

Sorry, Chris. You know what?

[G]

I agree.

[Bald Bryan]

Don't stand next.

[Gina Grad]

I'll bring it in the next show and I'll read it.

[Bald Bryan]

It.

[Gina Grad]

You will not believe it. It's just. It was beautiful.

[Bald Bryan]

Whatever.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but I didn't get 650 for.

[Bald Bryan]

My book from Penguin.

[Gina Grad]

Anyway, his book will, I'm sure have a lot of excellent information.

[Bald Bryan]

It will. And I'll bet you. I will bet you he got closer to 500k than he did to 100k.

[Gina Grad]

Wow. So there's like guys graduating from, you know, Iowa with MFAs that have these incredible novels.

[Bald Bryan]

Nothing. I mean, look, it's a business. They want to strike while the iron's hot.

[G]

How many seasons has the show been on Jersey shore?

[Gina Grad]

I think one has aired.

[G]

I mean, how does he get to 60,000 an episode in season two?

[Gina Grad]

It just became this huge cultural phenomenon for reasons I don't realize.

[Bald Bryan]

MTV usually just takes advantage of people and says, like, look, we got another Situation around every corner. We'll pay you five grand an episode and don't worry, you'll get a six figure book deal and you can make all your appearances at the club and fuck all the chicks and it's going to be awesome. But they normally do that. We're doing you a favor by putting you on the air. I mean, that's how MTV traditionally works, right?

[Gina Grad]

But actually they. They gave them a decent raise. And he has partial ownership of a vodka brand that he's endorsing now. That's fine. If Situation wants to endorse a brand of vodka.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't want tan vodka.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, there's a GTL app.

[Bald Bryan]

Huh?

[Gina Grad]

I don't know what it does. A rap song on itunes and endorsement deals with Vitamin Water and Reebok.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, God, so sad. Well, God bless him.

[Gina Grad]

God bless him.

[Bald Bryan]

God bless him.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I guess may he never end up on the bestseller list. But I'm sure he will be there.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, that's the news. The news with Teresa Strasser. Eat a dick, msnbc. All right, T, you bring in tomorrow, you bring in that blurb from Dr. Drew.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, you have to hear. It's just so beautifully crafted.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm going through that thing with my book and I don't know what the fuck to do with it.

[Gina Grad]

Trying to get blurbs.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, let me ask you this. How big a difference does the blurb.

[Gina Grad]

Mean for somebody like you? It's probably not a very big deal because you're famous and your fans know you and they know your voice. It's a bigger deal if you're not as well known. But in my case, somebody like Jenny McCarthy or Dr. Drew loves my book. That could really help.

[Bald Bryan]

But also agree wholeheartedly. What about, like, I have this conversation, I realize I speak and no one ever really listens, but I'll try. I agree wholeheartedly. I must have some sort of tone that just is tuned out by human beings that maybe drives dogs insane. But I say to my editor, I said, you know, I was reading other people's books and, like, looking at their blurbs, you know, And I got Jeff Ross's book, and it's like, Bob Saget writes a blurb, and Bob Saget writes, take this book, light a fire, sit down next to it and throw it in the fire. And I think, well, that's funny. I want to buy Bob Saget's next book, but it doesn't make me want to buy Jeff Ross. Book. Bob Saget's next.

[Gina Grad]

One of your blurbs for me was like that. It was like, this book is great if you have an unstable table. And I thought, that makes me want to buy Adam's book.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. But it doesn't want to make. Buy your book, so I didn't choose that one. Thank you. And that's what. And that's what comedians do. They write jokes, they bust the balls of. And that's how it goes. So you get a bunch of guys sort of busting your balls, but you don't write the.

[Gina Grad]

I'll tell you what you should do. I know this exactly. Because what you need. What you need is somebody who's respected by book buyers. Now, your friend Bill Simmons sells books. You have him blurb it.

[Bald Bryan]

I thought he could do it, and he said he'd do it. And I thought, Ken Burns. Oh, my God, Kenny Burns, he's a good guy.

[Gina Grad]

Really an idea?

[Bald Bryan]

A little bit, yeah. Maybe get Baldwin, Burns, and Simmons to do it. And there you go.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

But also did this thing with my editor where that. You know that part where you pitch working on snl, you must have done this a million times where you're, like, pitching someone. Someone thing, and they don't hear a word you say, and then they go right back. I said. I said, look, I think we ought to just take some really funny little snippets from the book and put it on the back. Let people who aren't, you know, look, if you're familiar with me, you're familiar with me, you'll buy the book. But maybe you're looking at it and you're kind of on the fence, and you're reading something, and maybe it's about politics or relationships or rearing kids, and you read the blurb and you know the little snippet from the book, and you laugh and you go, that's funny. Like I said, you know, you see something there. So we should take some funny stuff from the book and put it back there. Like when you're watching a movie trailer, it's a comedy, and you're laughing and you're going, hey, there's some clips from the movie, and you're laughing. You go, all right, well, I want to see that comedy. And she goes, yeah, great. Write something up. And I said, no, I'm going to write more. I want to just take some funny chapters on parenting. Here's on parenting. Put it in there. She's like, yeah. Oh, okay. All right, well, you know, if you write something, it's clever. And it's funny and it's concise. You put it. And I'm like, are you just trying to think of more fucking words you can get out of me? Because right Now I'm about $8 an hour with the amount of fucking words I've written for this goddamn book. And I'm like, no, we just take little clips. Like, remember the whole movie fucking analogy. It's not like someone goes, yeah, I got a funny movie idea. Write a new. Then shoot a new scene for the trailer. You know, you take bits that are already in the movie excerpts and then you make the trailer out of them. And. And she's like, yeah, okay, well, go ahead and write that. I was like, oh, okay, well, I'm gonna. I'm hitting up Kenny Burns and I like call him Kenny.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, that would be amazing.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I, we haven't aired it yet, but I sat down with him for another hour at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. And he's smart, engaging, one of the nicest guys you're ever going to meet. You guys remember him when we did him when we were on terrestrial radio. And I feel, I feel confident that I could get.

[Gina Grad]

I would buy a book simply because it had a blurb from a reading. Yeah, I bought a book because it had an Augustin Burroughs blurb and I love his work and I thought this book must be good.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, the guy from Willy Wonka.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

Running with scissors.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, all right. Either way.

[Gina Grad]

Malcolm Gladwell blurbed Bill Simmons book.

[Allison Rosen]

Augustus Gloomp.

[Bald Bryan]

Is that what you're going for? I don't know. Listen, I'm not one of those reader guys. Place with the books where they lend them to you. Library. Yeah, There you go. All right, before we leave, I should give a little shout out to one of our newest sponsors, English laundryclothing.com. lots of cool stuff. They gave me some free shirts and doggone it, I wore them. Although I hear they're sending them over to Snooki. Yeah, their competition is set. Sending them to Snooki. That's right. Christopher Wicks is the owner. He's the designer. And the stuff is just cool. It's sort of uk mod rocker looks, got a little soccer influence and you guys have seen it. Really cool stuff. As a matter of fact, the wheeze was just wearing one of the English laundry shirts the other day and boy looking fetching in it. It's all the details got that elegant English style. Men, women, even the kiddies can save 20% off all the non discounted items just by typing in the code, Adam. So check them out. Type in my name, get yourself a little savings going and type it in the checkout basket. Online. Englishlaundry.com check them out. Chris Parnell, Big Lake. Name of the new show on Comedy Central, Tuesday nights, 10 o'clock. And until next time, this is Adam Kroll For Bald Brian, Chris Parnell and Tracy. Oh, Theresa Strasser saying mahalo. All right, that was Adam Krillo, show 388. Coming next we have Adam Cruller, show 1412, featuring Alexis Ohanian, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2014. Hope you guys enjoy. All right, good day. Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Bald Bryan]

And Bald Bryan. This soup's dry.

[Allison Rosen]

Illertime 213. Wanted that with the hashtag top drop.

[Bald Bryan]

I was just got back from beautiful Whittier, California picturesque.

[Allison Rosen]

Full name, Beautiful Whittier.

[Bald Bryan]

Beautiful Whittier. And I know we've all seen the postcards from Whittier, but I'll tell you, they don't do it. They don't do it justice. Yeah. To me, when I try to think of domestic beauty, I think Half Dome. Yeah. Nixon Library, I think. Is that. Didn't we. Yeah. I gotta get by that Nixon Library read up on Tricky Dick. Yeah. Half Dome and Whittier. To me, can I tell you romantic. You guys, can you riddle me this? And I'm serious. And I know everyone's gonna give me an answer and go, well, I'm telling you, I've done this my whole fucking life. And it's this way. And I'm going to factor in all the factors. The sun is 92,960,000 miles away. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that an approximate number?

[Bald Bryan]

Top of my head.

[Adam Carolla]

He weighs it.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. That's right. I weighs it. I'm driving into the sun because when I said I was going to Whittier, to the Waze app this morning, it just went, why don't you just save time and drive into the sun?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

That's one of the apps.

[Allison Rosen]

First it said, why?

[Bald Bryan]

Why? Why? Yeah, Big question mark. And, okay, so I'm working in Whittier this morning, catching a contractor. And I swear to God this is true. When you're standing in the back of the house on the ground and you're working, it's hot because it's shitty and hot. And Whittier. And we're going through this crazy heat spell. But if you climb up a ladder and you go up 9 or 10ft and you get up on the roof and you Stand on the roof, you start to wither and die. In a matter of seconds, you're closer to the sun. That's what I keep saying to everybody. The sun is 92 million miles away. I just got nine and a half feet closer to it. I'm no mathematician. That's way less than 10%, maybe. I mean, for sure. Single digits. In terms of percentages, why is the heat index so much more miserable now? I was not standing on asphalt shingles or black rooftop tar paper, anything. I was standing.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my first guess.

[Bald Bryan]

Whatever you're standing, you can go on a plywood roof. And plywood is, you know, it's wood. It's not metal. It's not black. It doesn't really conduct the heat. You know, there shouldn't be a huge difference. As a matter of fact, in terms of thermal properties, you're probably better off standing on plywood than you would be standing on concrete, certainly asphalt. But you can stand out in the backyard and you can be miserable. I'm not talking about under a tree. I'm just being in the backyard. And you climb that ladder and you just go nine or ten feet up and it just fucking goes through the room. I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it has. You don't think it has to. I know you're factoring in all the factors, and shade provided by anything is not one of them.

[Bald Bryan]

I have done this a million times working on houses. Just you're standing there and you're miserable and you get up on the roof and I think there's a psychological component to it, but you feel so exposed.

[Allison Rosen]

I would say that's true.

[Bald Bryan]

And you just. But it's weird because when you're working with other guys and you're just down on the ground and you're doing your thing, it's like, oh, it's hot. And then you climb up the ladder and you land on the roof and it's like, oh, it just becomes unbearable. And it feels. It's palpable. Like you can feel the difference. And you've only moved about 10 or 12ft.

[Adam Carolla]

We should talk to a bird.

[Bald Bryan]

We really should. I don't know if we get a straight answer out of this fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Freaks.

[Allison Rosen]

Either way, this theory is probably wrong. But a sloped roof or a flat roof, or does it matter?

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it possible the sun could be. You know what? You know, you get sunburned off the reflection off the ocean. You know what I mean? Or a pool or something. I wonder if, like, every metal surface car Tops. And all that stuff reflects the sunlight back up at you. So you're getting it from two angles.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but it's the backyard, and there's nothing around but other yards and shit like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think maybe you're right that it is because you're closer to the sun. Yes, I'm going to go with that.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm going with that, too. You're physically close to the sun now. Again, it's not that much because it's 92 million miles away, but it all adds up.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, with all the pollution in la, it's certainly the air center.

[Bald Bryan]

Absolutely. Absolutely. The third time someone says that, so that means I don't really agree with you.

[Allison Rosen]

The putts go farther at Mile High Stadium.

[Bald Bryan]

It's right up there with good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

If you bake a cake on that roof, you're gonna have to adjust your measurements.

[Bald Bryan]

The third good for you, means they think you're a pathetic piece of shit. Oh, good for you. Good for you. Good for you. That means usually the third one means you may not ever speak to this person again like that, whatever it is you did. It means the third good for you means I would never do that, and I have almost no respect and. And instead I have pity for you.

[Adam Carolla]

The third of anything turns into a kind of a fuck you.

[Bald Bryan]

Good for you. Yeah, yeah, good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm gonna go wither and die.

[Bald Bryan]

Good for you. Yeah, go up on the roof.

[Allison Rosen]

Does one good for you actually mean good for you?

[Adam Carolla]

It might.

[Bald Bryan]

The one. Yeah. The first good for you means good for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Bald Bryan]

The second one means I don't know if I would have done what you did. And the third means you're a pathetic piece of shit. You're on your own. We're never gonna see you again. All right. Also, the good for you. The three good for yous are meant for people you'll never see again. You don't do that with your kids. You don't give them the three good for you, because you either give them the one good for you, which means good for you. But you don't get to the third. If you're getting to the third, that's an intervention. That's you saying, oh, okay. Now, before you told the principal what to do with themselves, what is it that got you to the principal? So there's no third good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the stranger on the bus bench. Oh, good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what if you're sort of tuned out and you're not sure if you're hearing number Two or number three or number one. What do you do?

[Bald Bryan]

We got an issue. Get up on the roof and talk about it. Speaking of quietly insulting, I was then off to the Sting house to catch contractor. So we're doing a little work on one house, went to the Sting house to another one. This guy. Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the house where you ensnare them. They don't realize they're being.

[Bald Bryan]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

In your web.

[Bald Bryan]

First time, had to use a translator.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Bald Bryan]

Guys from Finland? No. Mexican guy. And we had to use a translator. It was funny because I was getting my makeup put on while they were kind of, you know, that everyone had gone. You know, the brains had all gathered around. We're going through the beats, you know, you know, how long. How old's the family? How long they know where they find the guy, how much did they pay? You know, it's going throughout. What percentage, what was the bid for, how much of the family, how much of the bid did they pay? Blah, blah, blah. And at some point, I have the Hispanic makeup lady applying the makeup to me. And at some point, I say, where'd they find this guy? He said, ah, it's a website. It's basically a Mexican version of Craigslist. And you sort of hear the voice from behind me go, well, what do you expect? And I think everyone sort of went, yeah. But I was getting the makeup being put on by possibly a family member of his. But I just realized that's probably one that person would like a mulligan on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the one who said, what do you expect? Yeah, I was gonna say that seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation for you would get a translator.

[Bald Bryan]

No, not the translator.

[Adam Carolla]

The contractor.

[Bald Bryan]

The contractor. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, did she do your makeup out on purpose?

[Bald Bryan]

She did the.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have a clown nose, Tears or whiskers or anything?

[Bald Bryan]

She did the move they do in the 80s sitcom where they, you know, hear the record go, and she went across my face with it. But it is. It's sad but true. But when you hear the. We found them on Mexicans Craigslist. We all. Sadly, just to let everyone know we're all quietly racist. All to sort of what? Well, what do you.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't even sound that quiet in this case.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

It was out loud.

[Bald Bryan]

Yep. Couple other things. What do you guys think about this? A lot of sunscreen. It's a million degrees outside. A lot of it's being sprayed on. Sprayed all over the kid. All over the kid's face.

[Adam Carolla]

You're actually not. They Recommend you don't use spray on sunscreen on kids.

[Bald Bryan]

I think my kid is going to have white lung. Like the opposite of what coal miners have A. It's going to sucking up a ton of SPF 50. All head is spent. I have a theory. Well, you know how all female hairdressers are insane? Actually, all hairdressers are insane. They're all insane. Yes. And I have a theory that they have this Aqua Net cloud around their head mixed with the hot air that's coming out of the device like pig pension peanuts. Yeah. It weaponizes this fucking Aquanet and they're living in a cloud of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I have this new hair product which is. It's this spray on volume dust for your hair. And it's amazing. And it like makes your hair have volume without looking horrible. It's why I look so beautiful right now. I was gonna say put your boners away, men. But anyway, the last couple days that I've used it, I've thought there's just. I've both thought they're gonna discontinue this. I should buy all of it up right now. And also there's no way this isn't damaging my lungs. Cause it's just too good to be true. Like there's no way it's okay for me to be using this. I'm sure there's some deposits that I'm inhaling.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And I think that hairdressers are insane because they. First off, they do nothing but just chemicals, hot air and chemicals and blowing around and Aquanet and all that stuff. But for your kid, just spraying their head down with this stuff and their back and their shoulders. But just the idea that this aerosol.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff that I don't think it's good.

[Bald Bryan]

That was invented four years ago is being consumed by them as they breathe it in. There's no mask for it. They just suck it in while it's being sprayed all over their forehead and back. They're gonna have. There's gonna be some kind of weird sunscreen hack. Sunscreeners hack or something that these kids are gonna have in a few years. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

That and the spray sunscreen is the best thing to happen in the sunscreen industry. Because number one, you get less when you buy it. Number two, it costs more. Number three, you waste so much of it. So much it goes in the air and you end up rubbing it on for the most part anyway. It's such a. It's an incredible racket.

[Bald Bryan]

But it avoids the huge glob of white behind your Ear that somebody has to point out to you constantly because you're just like, where? Wrong ear. Now get it. No, you didn't get it. You just moved it down to your neck. Yeah, you gotta. You gotta rub it in. Yeah. All right. A couple other random thoughts. Watched no country for Old Men the other day. Fucking love that movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Tremendous movie.

[Bald Bryan]

Man, do I love that goddamn movie.

[Allison Rosen]

You mentioned your first book. No, better Coen Brothers movie. And then you mentioned Raising Arizona. No better Coen Brothers movie.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I stand by it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's amazing because they're so different movies. And they are both tremendous movies. But no Wonderful Men is awesome. Also, Javier Bardem is Anton Chigurh.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

He's just pure evil. I mean, like, his character just represents the evil in people's lives and the chaos and all that. There's no redeeming qualities.

[Bald Bryan]

What I love about the Coen brothers is forget about the guys that cast in the main roles, which are always great, but the little roles. Yes. When he goes in to talk to the guy who owns the gas station about doing the coin toss and the way they have the confidence.

[Allison Rosen]

Alison, you ever see this?

[Bald Bryan]

No. It's so good. Oh, this isn't us good. This is you good.

[Adam Carolla]

What does that mean?

[Bald Bryan]

I mean, this isn't Fast and Furious. I'm trying to talk you.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's on my list.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a little intense.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to rewatch St. Elmo's Fire the other night. And I've got things to say about that.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, look at the fan belts or the belts hanging behind them like nooses. Yes, that direction.

[Bald Bryan]

But I've always loved the guy when he goes in, tells him to toss the coin. You know, do the coin toss. I love that guy. But who I forgot about is I'm just going to call her Dottie, who works at the trailer park, who's not going to give Javier Bardem any information on where one of the. One of the residents is, about where he works or how to find him.

[Allison Rosen]

That's such a minor character, but every character.

[Bald Bryan]

But she's great because she's just fat and sassy and she doesn't give a shit about him. And there's a great moment and we can try to find that moment. She's just great. She's like sitting there filing her nails. And he comes walking in, he needs the scariest man alive. And she's four foot, nothing, sitting there on a chair, basically telling her to fuck himself.

[Allison Rosen]

All sass.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, she's all sass. And at some point, you know. And again, really, when you watch a good film, the first sitting is not enough to get in. You are not capable of absorbing every nuance that a very good film has to offer in the first sitting. It is a multiple sitting affair. You have to study it.

[Allison Rosen]

This movie is special.

[Bald Bryan]

And there's a great. So he's talking to her and she's. Basically, we just watch a scene. Let's just listen to it. It's great because he's the scariest man on the planet. She's just sitting there.

[Mike August]

Yes, sir, I'm looking for Llewellyn Mosque.

[Bald Bryan]

Did you go up to his trailer? Yes, I did. Well, I'd say he's at work. Do you want to leave a message? Where does he work? I can't say. Where does he work? Sir, I ain't at liberty to give out no information about our residents. Where does he work? Did you not hear me? We can't give out no information. She's great.

[Allison Rosen]

The pause after he asked her for the first time is great because he's never been told no before.

[Bald Bryan]

He's never had someone say, kills the great. So the great part about that scene is she literally looks like a pig that's ready to be put on a spit. And he's the butcher, she's someone's mother. And he just kills anybody for any reason, it doesn't much matter. So nobody says no to him. And if they do, they get killed. So he's just looking at her and you're just thinking, all right, well, now he's gonna kill her just out of principle. And then you hear the toilet flush, like in the distance. And you kind of. You see him kind of. You hear the door close and you kind of go. You have him do this thing where it's like, on one hand I should kill her, on the other hand, now there's somebody else I'm gonna have to kill. Or maybe someone who could jump out the window and run for the cops or whatever. And it's this moment where he's like, bitch, you're so lucky. I just heard a toilet flush down the hall. That's. I did not hear that toilet flush. I would just kill you right now.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a recurring theme in the movie of how close people get to death, but they don't know it. Like the guy with the coin flip thing, his life or death comes down to literally a coin flip. Like, there's so many people in the movie who come close to death and will never know how close they Can.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, Allison, why this movie?

[Allison Rosen]

It's a little intense, I will say.

[Adam Carolla]

But how on the end? How did Christy feel about it? How violent?

[Allison Rosen]

She never saw it.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, what the.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but she doesn't. Yeah, I don't count.

[Adam Carolla]

But given that, I can't handle much gore.

[Allison Rosen]

Not a lot of gore.

[Bald Bryan]

It's not a lot of gore.

[Allison Rosen]

Thriller. It's. It's one of the best directed movies ever. It's just so taut. And the scenes are white knuckle, clammy palm kind of scenes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when Kirby went after Andy McDowell in the snow in St. Alice fires. Yeah. By the way, here's where I force.

[Bald Bryan]

Myself change that movie if that movie's on.

[Adam Carolla]

Having seen it now, he's a total stalker. The Emilio Estevez character is completely a stalker, and she's just slightly amused by it. It's weird how we were okay with that.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm getting the movie bends from going from no Country.

[Bald Bryan]

Hold on. I can bridge those bends. I will say a couple things about that. Not only is he a stalker, but he's a douchebag. Like, he shows up to the French restaurant four hours earlier and go, I need to sit here. We need this. And he's a dick.

[Adam Carolla]

But everyone just thinks it's charming. It's like, was that appropriate behavior? Was it okay to be a complete weird, stalker, bossy guy?

[Bald Bryan]

Here's the rule. If you're shorter than the chick you're stalking, no harm, no foul. If he was a big dude, if he played some NFL, if he played a couple years for the Ravens, it'd be a weird, creepy thing. But because he's compact, it's not creepy.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, she even says to him, I'll always wonder if this was my loss nowadays. He'd be like, I'll always wonder if my head might have ended up in your freezer.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. He is a creepy stalker. You're absolutely right. And the next thing you're right about Reverie Bed. Let me tell you something. It's a sleep system. It's not a bed. I had one of the smallest yet most important victories of my life last night. I did that thing where I set my egg timer before I go to. I wake up many different times throughout the week. I don't. I'm not one of these. Oh, I get up at 8, 8am every morning, though. It's. If we're filming, I'm up early. If we're not, I'll sleep in. If I gotta get up and do calls in the morning, whatever it is. And I'M not gonna set my alarm for all different times. I just use a little digital timer that's just click, click, click. And on a sad day.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't believe you trust yourself to do the math. I would. I would be. I'd be freaked out. Like, am I sleeping for eight hours or seven or, you know, whatever it.

[Bald Bryan]

Is, especially with a good buzz. I just do the. I'm looking at the clock. It's 10 minutes to midnight, and I got to get up at 6. So I just give 6 clicks on the hour and a couple on the minute and hit play and basically go to bed. And that's. That's how I do it. I did a little overshoot last night. I did. I had at an 8am call time, but I said, I'm going for seven hours anyway. I'm going to get it. But that'll get me up at like 7:20 and I'll have to get to Whittier and I have to just fucking wake up and run out of the thing. I went for the overshoot with the extra hour Instead of going 6 minutes, 6 hours and 31 minutes, or, you know, 40, 41, 42 minutes or whatever it is. I hate doing that. It's a psychological thing.

[Allison Rosen]

You treated yourself?

[Bald Bryan]

I treated myself. And as I was climbing into bed, Lynette said, new call time, 8:30. And it made my clicks perfect. Now the clicks were the same, but I was gonna get an extra 10 minutes to sit and drink a cup of coffee in the morning. Great victory for the Ace, man. What do I tell my kids, Mark this day? Don't tell him.

[Allison Rosen]

We'll just save this podcast and play for him someday.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll hear about it on their own, I'm sure.

[Bald Bryan]

And I lay down in my reverie bed and I hit the vibrate mode and I just drifted off. Man, do I miss that bed. It's the only part about being away from the house I miss. I mean the kids, I mean my wife. I mean the bed. Oh, Sonny. And I just sat there and just leaned it up. Watched some sports, some college football highlights the other day. It is the best. Treat yourself to this. I've said many times. Get yourself a good car and get yourself a good bad. And that's where you're going to spend quite a bit of time, especially out here in Los Angeles. But it's not the thing where you. Well, yeah, I sleep, you know, so I'll take a couple weekends off of sleeping and, you know, well, I'll sleep, but not any of the major Holidays or anything like that. Or, you know, I'll sleep Monday through Friday but not Saturday and Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty much a nightly thing.

[Bald Bryan]

Pretty much.

[Adam Carolla]

One would hope.

[Bald Bryan]

Pretty much a nightly thing. Pretty much a nightly thing. So treat yourself. Give them a call, they're the best. 888-888-5998 5990. Or you can go online and visit [e-mail] youm can try out the bed for 101 nights. No risk trial. If you don't love it, send it back. This guy's the best. Plus you can get a 618 thread count. They said they wanted to give a 615 thread count sheet. I said no. My listeners demand greatness. We're going to 618, alright? And it's 300 bucks worth of sheets for free if you give them a call. 888-888-5590. Change your lives, kids. All right, let's see some phone calls out there. Let's see something about atheist input on Christmas prank. Let's see. Zach, line three on Zach. Zack? Yes, sir. Can you hear me? What's going on? Ace, man, how's it going? Get it on, get it on. All right, man. A while ago you mentioned something about your principal in high school hating you because something you did at the Powder Puff game. I gotta hear that story. Okay, well, it wasn't my principal. It was Mrs. Tawny and she was like the vice principal or whatever. And once a year the girls would play each other in a football game that would get really rowdy and the whole school would come out and fill the bleachers and they'd do it, you know, out of football season. But they, you know, like April or something. But it'd be the senior girls against the junior girls. And the guys on the football team would volunteer to coach the girls. And then the cheerleading team would be comprised of guys and they would have the cheerleaders coach the guys on how to be good cheerleaders. And listen, we learned, you know, all. We learned all the cheers.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a real switcheroo.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. Switcheroo. Yeah. I learned, here we come, a trucking in. I learned all the classics. I do them in front of my kids all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you not doing one in front of us right now?

[Bald Bryan]

I can tell. I can do it for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Bryan]

I'll really only remember here we come a trucking in. But you guys got to sort of fill the audience in on what I'm doing here.

[Adam Carolla]

You're Taking your headphones off right now. And yeah, now he's going to the, the heart of the studio for more space. Okay, I need to be able to see what's going on now. He's just standing there very straight now, his legs akimbo. Oh, are they.

[Bald Bryan]

Here they come. A truck. Oh my gosh. Adam is dancing and pretending to be a cheerleader right now. It's really embarrassing.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I'm full of pep right now. That was amazing.

[Allison Rosen]

Video on AdamCarola.com all right, so.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank.

[Allison Rosen]

God you all that jump rope.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, right. So we did. Here we come a trucking in. We do all that. Anyway, I never really thought about this, so thanks for asking, Zach. They made the mistake.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks.

[Bald Bryan]

They made the mistake of giving the cheerleaders a microphone that was hooked up to the PA system because. And it was a bleacher filled. I mean, I played football and our team stunk and I don't know, home games half full. I don't know, this was full. This was a big night. Everyone came out. People getting drunk in the parking lot, coming out and blah, blah, blah. But they made a mistake of giving a 17 year old Adam Carolla a microphone in front of a full crowd, like 500 people in the bleachers.

[Allison Rosen]

I made the mistake of giving a 45 year old Adam Carolla a microphone.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. And all of a sudden I had a microphone in my hand and this captive audience, they were gonna be there for three hours and you know, we were doing the cheers, but in between I was doing like audience work. You know, I was, where you from? You know, I was swinging with, warming him up. I was warming him up. I was swinging with that microphone and it was like for the first time.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever, people had no choice, they had to escape.

[Bald Bryan]

They had no choice. Normally just, you know, my family would get up and leave, but they could not get up and leave. And it was a version of a young John Bonham banging on the pots and pans when he was six years old. I'd never had a mic and an audience and I just went into this mode. Now, of course you don't know it, but that's the way it works. I mean, you go, what? How did he learn to play? Well, we got a piano and when he was 7, he just jumped on it. We never, we couldn't get him off it, you know. Well, that's because that's what the guy had in him. You could have put a piano in front of a young Adam and I wouldn't have done anything. With it. And I don't know that my kids would, but we all have that thing. Or at least some of us have that. That thing. Some of it, it's a, it's a, it's a gearhead thing. Start taking apart everything and taking the lawnmower engine out, hooking it up to the bicycle and stuff. Like every guy who does custom cars now or does any like gear heady shit. Oh, he'll just tell you stories about when he was 8 and he pulled the motor out of his mom's or whatever and blender and tried to stick it on his tricycle. I mean, that's his mind is attempting to process as much as his eight year old mind can do with this very strong impulse. And by the way, there's a serial killer version of this as well that does not involve mini bikes or microphones or pianos. But that's what it is. Now as parents and as a society, it's a good idea to sort of sit back and go, if you're torturing small animals, we should intervene. But if you're banging on pots and pans, maybe we should intervene as well. And get your drum kit. So I found myself in my junior year with this microphone in my hand. And, you know, it was at night and I work a little blue and a lot of audience was comprised of a lot of the parents of the girls that are out there playing and things like that. And you know, things got a little raunchy at a certain point, so there's really nothing they could do about it. I had this mic and I was getting laughs and we were doing cheers in between. And then in between I was interviewing the cheerleaders and making, you know, wise ass sort of scatological jokes in between. Anyway, year two came around, Ms. Tani put her foot down, no microphone, and we're like, how are we supposed to cheer? We need microphones, you know, and she's like, no microphones for you. Because she was tired of what I did the time before.

[Adam Carolla]

She's like the dad in Footloose.

[Bald Bryan]

And I think it was also, well, a couple things. She may have compromised and given us a bullhorn, which turned out to be even worse. Number one. And number two, that's where the rage in her came out. During the pie eating contest after some.

[Allison Rosen]

Woman, oh, she didn't like you.

[Bald Bryan]

She, I had, I had. When I shamed her with the pie eating contest.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you deserved it.

[Bald Bryan]

Just to take the entire pie home with me and eat it rather than bury my face into it like that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Just smart.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So we. Mrs. Tani and I had a history going up, up until then, know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, you had your run ins.

[Bald Bryan]

I had a brush. We had a brush or two. And then also when I did get suspended, they had the emergency card. And the big joke, what happened was the emergency card is the card that you fill out your first year, your first semester before you register for classes. And they need your parents work address and phone number. If there's an emergency, they need to reach your parents. And this is all the card where they need all the parental information. And then you have to take it home and the parents sign it and then you bring it back. Well, of course that was out of the question because I was such a shitty student and such a fuck up that literally just taking a piece of paper home and having my parents or my dad fill it out and then getting him to sign it and bringing it back was way too tall a mountain for me to climb. When I was 15, it was never going to happen, but I found myself wanting to register for my classes the next day and not having the piece of paper. And when you don't have the emergency card, you can't register for classes. They need to have that on file. So I just filled it out in line. And then I was with my friends, so of course we started fucking around. And I wrote that my dad worked for the government and I just wrote classified on every single thing he did. And then my mom's. This is a big, big joke when you're 15. My mom's work address was Hollywood and Vine because she was a prostitute, basically. And then I signed it, you know, James Dickhead or whatever, and I just. You throw it in the hopper and you go in and take your classes. Well, it just sat in a file drawer for years. And then later on, when I was suspended As a senior, Mr. Tomey opened the thing, went through the emergency card. Now, of course, this is two, three years. You know, I don't even know what he's doing.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, wow, father could have changed his mind around.

[Bald Bryan]

Gotta contact, gotta contact your parents.

[Allison Rosen]

And he's like, does your desk work for the government?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he. He pulled the. I remember he pulled him. I was just sitting in his office with the door closed and it was like, all right, I'm gonna call your father at work now. And then he's going through the thing and then he like pulls it out and he said, I can see him looking at it. And he goes, okay. He looks up at me. He goes, you fill out this piece of paper. Did you fill out this emergency card? I was like, that's that moment where it's like, oh, fuck. He's got. Well, whatever's in his hand is bad, but I don't recall what it is. I've fucked around so much that I know he knows something, but I know, I know, whatever. This is a question. Yeah, this is one of those questions like, you know, like when you're at the DMV and they go, have you driven the vehicle in the last year? Maybe? Is that good? Would that be like, if you had a son who was registering a vehicle, would you have won him? What would be cheaper if I drove it in the last year? What shall I say to this answer?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't remember. Why did you.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's hard to tell when you're driving there you go, did you fill out this emergency card? I'm like, I don't recollect fully. And he throws it out in front of me and it's clearly my fault. Horrible left handed chicken scratch with all the fucking shit on it. And he's like, all right, you wrote, you filled this out. And I was like, your dad didn't sign this. I don't know. Do you know where your dad worked? I'm like, I don't. I don't know what the name is. Somewhere. I think he's in Altadena. I don't know. We couldn't get hold of my. We couldn't get hold of anybody because they didn't have any information. And I didn't have any information either because I don't know how the fuck my dad worked. He worked at a place called Five Acres in Altadena. Was a place. It was basically an orphanage. But I don't remember if he called 411. I don't remember how we found.

[Allison Rosen]

Get me Jim, Carolla.

[Bald Bryan]

He's the best. You're coming out of retirement, Carolla. Yeah, they pulled up in their black SUVs. Oh yeah, that was a great day in Corolla history.

[Adam Carolla]

So I met someone who, I believe it's her co worker's son. Went to school with you. Derek Cushing Murray.

[Bald Bryan]

Mm, yeah, I remember that name.

[Adam Carolla]

Did track and field with you?

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever do track and field?

[Bald Bryan]

No. I played baseball with him, I believe, but it was on a track and a field because our baseball diamond sort of rolled into the. He played football? No, not me. He played basketball. I think his nickname was Kush. It would have to be that's a cool.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good stuff.

[Bald Bryan]

His name is, like, Cushing Murray, Right? You just get called Kush.

[Allison Rosen]

That was Jerry O'Connell's nickname in Jerry Maguire, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, you have to understand that with the passage of time and a certain degree of celebrity, I get a lot of. Oh, yeah, we were in the. And it's like, people go, when'd you graduate? I'm like, 82. And they go, I graduated in 91. But I think I remember seeing you around stuff like that.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember hearing about you.

[Bald Bryan]

There's just. No, literally, they'll get that. They'll be six years off, and they're like, I'm pretty sure we hung a little bit. They're like, no, we didn't. You were 16 and I was 24, and we probably weren't hanging, but. And I certainly wasn't chilling in the quad with you. You were at North Highway High. It's weird when they try to connect the dots. You were at North Highway High, right? Yeah. When were you there? 79, 82. Yeah, I was there 89 and 91. But I'm pretty sure we spent some time together. They're still like. They're trying to build that bridge, and it's like, no, I mean, listen, I'm flattered. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate what you tried to do. I'd taken the spirit in which it was. All right, let's see. Matt, 28, Miami. Yes, sir. What's going on, Matt? Hey, gang. Long time. First time. Hey. I just had a question. I think we're probably on the same page as far as just being an atheist and not really believing in much beyond just the material world. You know, no such thing as, like, locker fortune or the secret kind of powerful cosmic forces, but when those bizarre coincidences happen, they're just one in a trillion. Where, like, you're talking about a song that maybe you haven't heard in 25 years, and you get in your car and it's playing, or like, when you're reading about, like, you're ripping about Gandhi the other day, and then the dude that's been waiting on the line for, you know, an hour and a half, and I'm just wondering, like, those moments almost seem to indicate something beyond speaking about things, beyond what the fuck's going on beyond your left shoulder about four feet. Sorry, what is going on, by the way? Why can you not ever get the simple satisfaction of having whatever it is you're complaining about happen while you're complaining? About it. Why does it have to go into a sound booth? And it's crystal clarity. Why are we on a fucking recording studio on A and M records lot? The second I say what's going on. But it's like that, you know, it's like when you're complaining, I can't hear you on. I cannot hear you on the phone. But. But that part is crystal clear. And then you're going, I'll call you back. Because this line is unusual. And they go, radio. You go, wait a minute. And it's like, why is that part. He was. Everything was going on behind him, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He was on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Right.

[Bald Bryan]

He was ringing the bell. And then the second I said something about it, it just went. Went to perfect silence, right? Yes. Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

Does that make you believe in something.

[Bald Bryan]

Greater than us, Matt? Yes, sir. Okay. What was going on behind you? Nothing. I'm just sitting in my quiet apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it was our lines.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Anyway. Well, you weren't having phone troubles recently, were you? Okay, let's not blame it on us. Let's internalize, man. So anyway, I'm just wondering how you kind of wrap your head around those moments where it almost implies something more than. Okay, I'll say this. Look, if you flip a coin a thousand times, one of these times it's going to land on its edge. It just is. And then we're all going to freak out. But there's so much going on simultaneously in your life. There's so many moving parts that if these coincidences didn't happen every once in a while, that would be weirder than not at all. Right? It's not like it happens constantly. Two times a year, something freaky happens. I go out on stage in Phoenix and name. Get the girl's first name in the audience of 500. And that's pretty weird, but if I tried that every night, I'd probably be one for about 175, maybe 200. So to me, the ratio of oh, my God, freak out. That's weird is about right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You get into your car every day and there's a song playing 320 days a year. You get into your song and there's a song playing, chances are every once every year and a half or so, it's going to be a song you were just thinking about, because you listen to the same stations pretty much all the time.

[Bald Bryan]

I can tell you that the batting average and the likelihood of these things goes up if you tune in a little. Like, it'll Go down if you're tuned out a little. I, when I did Loveline and Dr. Drew, could hear tones in people's voices that were associated with certain names, with certain professions or histories and little indicators. I would say that guys who work around metal, like as welders or fabricators or what have you, like that probably more likely 2 to 1 over the average citizen. To smoke, for instance. It's a very blue collar gig. It's a gig where you don't mind sucking up some vapors and some smoke and whatever it is. And that's just that guy versus right.

[Adam Carolla]

Like guys who plays drums. Chances are I've slept with them.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I can hear it in their voice.

[Bald Bryan]

In their white supremacist. The point is, you can hear. And then after you do this stuff for a long time, you start hearing little bits and pieces that are little tells that because your mind is constantly searching, like the computer does with the spell. Correct. Your mind is constantly trying to make sense, trying to find a pattern, trying to. And this is why I say, by the way, hey, no more profiling. Impossible. It's impossible because your mind and everyone's mind is wired, hardwired to statistically work something out with almost every encounter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's why when you. And this makes sense to you, Adam. But there's a very popular game that people play on their iPads or iPhones called Candy Crush, where you group things by color. And if you play it a lot, Candy Crush. But if you play it a lot, all of a sudden you'll be looking at someone's face and you'll want to like, smash their eyes together or, you know, your brain will just start processing the world by these little color groupings.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And that's, that's what we do is our brain is like constantly reaching. So when I talk to someone on Loveline and they would be talking to me, they'd be telling me about their problem, but my brain would be constantly be looking for something to hang its hat on.

[Allison Rosen]

You're doing a million calculations every minute.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. It's just I want to know who this. I want to know more. Even if they're on the phone and they're calling from Fort Lauderdale, my brain wants to know more about this person. And I suppose it's always a threat assessment. It's always an assessment of like, what is this person? What can they do to possibly harm me? Again, it's reptilian brain. Because they're on the phone and they're 2,500 miles away. But still my brain wants to know what's up with this person. And as you tune in in life, you have more of these things happen. I drive like an asshole and I don't get into car accidents. There's a reason why drive like an asshole, but I don't get into car accidents because I'm tuned in. When I'm doing that, it's not, oh, well, hey, you get lucky. And it's not about luck. Now look, anybody can be sitting in an intersection and be T boned by a drunk driver. But I will tell you when we're driving home from Laguna Seca. I think we were driving home from Fresno or something, and Chris Maxapata get him on the blower. It's fucking 3:30 in the morning and we're just driving down the grapevine. And there's that black 7 Series BMW that's on the road, and I'm just sitting next to it. Mike August is driving and I just see like tinted windows. Expensive car, new car, but it looks a little worked. Like it's not kept up, it's not clean. It's got some scuffs and stuff on it, like for a new 70,000, $80,000 car. Why is this car fucked up? Why is it out at 3:30 in the morning? Like, this is not. This is not. Why is that expensive sort of Beverly Hills car out at three something in the morning? And by the way, we're driving through Sunland, like a really shitty part coming down the five of the Grapevine, and we pulled up next to that BMW 7 series and of course Mike is the opposite of me, completely and utterly tuned out. And I said to Mike, get away from this car. Don't drive next to this car. I don't like this car. I don't like who's in it. I don't know what's going on with this car, but riding next to it is not the place to be.

[Allison Rosen]

You profiled.

[Bald Bryan]

I profiled Max Apata, did I not? You did. And it didn't seem that bad, at least to me or Mike, right? And I said, get the fuck away from this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam saved your life that night.

[Bald Bryan]

And he pulled away from the guy and I don't know, the guy blew a tire or what. What happened to the guy? I just, I. I was half asleep, so. But I did hear a loud noise at like behind us afterwards. And then second Adam, Adam saying, I told you so for the next 10 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Only 10?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, no, he fell asleep. Well, we were five minutes away from his house. Yeah. But I said, get the fuck away from this guy. Get away from him. And Mike's like, why? And I'm like, you knew? I'm off the charts with this guy. I have my spidey senses. And then something like, blew up, and it's a blue attire. He's like, swerved or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Question. Do you always trust your gut? Because I. I do always. So even you don't. Because what happens is I'll get a sense of something, and then I take it into my head where I intellectualize it, and then I analyze it, and then I oftentimes end up not listening to that voice. Like, you don't attempt to intellectualize it. You just trust your gut.

[Bald Bryan]

My gut and my intellect are the same. My gut has been shaped by my intellect, or my intellect has been shaped by my gut. And I just sit and study everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Two sides of a seesaw.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. It's nice to hook them up. Because when you do that, it's a certain kind of a freedom, which is. I don't. I say to everyone all the time, I will not decide what kind of relationship we have or even what I think of you. You will dictate that to me. I don't know you. I will look at you. Exactly how you get me to look at you. Or if you're a car or human being or dog.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so good. I'll look at you how you tell me I should look at you. That's the problem. Well, except then my gut will be like, no, no.

[Bald Bryan]

But who are you wrong about? I mean, who were here is dramatically different than the way you think about that person.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I'm talking about family.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, well, for that. That. That. That goes. You know, that is one of those things where there's so much of that woven into your fabric. It's. It's damn near impossible to unweave it. But I'm just a real problem. I'm just saying, get your gut and your intellect. Get them on the same page. And that way, if you decide, I don't want to take this job or I want to be in this relationship or whatever, you don't have to have the seesaw with the gut and the intellect. The intellect and the gut are simpatico. They are one, and they've made a decision. And that decision is, I don't want to be in this relationship. Whatever the relationship is.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the other thing. You know, going back years ago, I think in relationships, people encounter this a lot where you just have a gut feeling that Maybe this isn't right, but he treats you right. Or the thing where he's coming, he's telling you excuses for why something isn't happening, and you're just like, but I don't know. I mean, there's that whole thing too. People go through that all the time.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I will say this first. I'm going to use my gut and my intellect and tell you guys, use your gut and your intellect and go to meeting, baby. Good communications crucial between your brain and. And your bowels. I mean, your gut. You need gotomeeting. Millions of small businesses rely on it. Citrix go to meeting. You can share the same screen, review documents, presentations in real time. Any Mac, PC, tablet, smartphone, whatever you like. It is GoToMeeting. And you can try it for free. That's right. Free. 30 days free. Visit GoToMeeting.com today. Click on the try it free button. Use the promo code Adam. That's GoToMeeting.com promo code Adam. All right. It's important. There are many things we wish for our children and this is probably one of them. It is a tortured and long and difficult life to go through. Life second guessing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know.

[Bald Bryan]

I mean, do I yourself?

[Allison Rosen]

Is.

[Bald Bryan]

Is a difficult life. And I would not wish that upon anyone. And if I had a wish for my children, for me being in terms of their intellect and their gut being on the same, sitting in the middle of that seesaw together, holding hands, I'd rather them have that than have a top notch education. I really would. That's a centered person.

[Adam Carolla]

And that is my, I would say my fundamental problem in life that and I love carbs, is that I second guess myself and I don't trust my gut.

[Allison Rosen]

Or do you love carbs?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know how to get your brain and your gut together. But I can tell you that you can start by simply going, this doesn't feel right to me. Now you can't say doesn't feel right to me. As in every time I go out to lunch with my friend, it doesn't feel right to me. If I ever have to pay for lunch, it feels better to me that they pay every time we go to lunch. And by the way, I'll include movies in that mix as well.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think I get that level of calibration.

[Bald Bryan]

People have to go, you paid last time, I pay this time. Like that's the first. The first thing to do is to remove yourself from the equation, which is an interesting thing to do, but you have to when you're making a decision about, well, now who. Nobody wants to pay, but who paid last time? I mean, the first thing to do to get the gut and the intellect together is to really remove yourself and stop going, I'm not a what person? Who doesn't pay. Racist. Whatever, whatever. You stop, remove yourself and just go, what is going on? And then you're sort of. You become free to make that decision. I've made plenty of decisions where people went, like, what are you doing? Or how come? And I. Whatever. And I just went, that's what I think. This is what I feel. Have I ever been wrong? I don't know. I don't go back and try to figure it out. I'll tell you, actually, I don't have. I've had many changes in my life, but I don't have things that I really regret doing. I had a very lucrative radio contract, and I didn't want to do another year with Danny Bonaduce, and I just stayed home. Now, here's the deal. I ended up doing another year or so without Bonaduce, and that's what I wanted to do. But then you say to yourself, what if it didn't work out? Well, then you have to define workout. Because let's say Bonaduce came back and they said, you know what, Carolla, you're fired. We're hiring Joaquin Bonaduce. All right, so it doesn't work out, but does it? Maybe I start the podcast a year and a half earlier. See what I'm saying? You don't know what is doesn't work out. At the time you go, oh, it's me, it's Bonaduce. I want to come back, but I want to come back with him. Who are they going to take, him or me? That's not the point. The point is what you want to do. Don't worry about the odds. What do you want to do and what are you prepared to do? Because if this the first thing you have to do when you enter this kind of self negotiation is they may bring back the other guy and fire you, are you okay with that? That's number one if the answer is yes. Because the first question is, do you want to work with this person anymore? No. Okay, well, then every other answer we get so you're prepared. And now whatever happens after that is simply part of the chain of events that creates your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, we're done.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that quality is. I never heard you say that before, but that quality, I think, is common in successful people because I had, I don't know if you know the name Tom Sharik. He was the president of Fox at the time and he ended up being the president of the Academy. And he gave me a piece of advice many years ago when I was like a kid. He was like, what's your one piece of advice? Like never look back. And it didn't mean like never reflect. He meant don't look back and regret. Don't look back and like ponder or like, you know, ruminate on things.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Unless you're beating off. Absolutely.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

That's a spank bank situation.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's the same type of advice you were or the same thing you were mentioning.

[Adam Carolla]

You beat off to regrettable circumstances.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what we're saying, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Should have bought that Apple stock.

[Allison Rosen]

God, Tesla.

[Bald Bryan]

No, he's, he's right. Look back on your grandfather with fond memories or whatever it is, but in terms of life, career would just be a shark. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew. On the Adam Carolla show, dateline, El Cajon, California. A 20 year old man attempted to rob a gun store using a replica gun. The suspect fled the scene in a 1998 Chevy Lumina. Definitely not a Jew. Alexis Ohanian here. Would, would I call you the inventor of Reddit?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Co founder, my co founder, Steve Huffman and good college friend deserves as much, if not more credit because he actually built it. I just drew the mascot, but co founder of Reddit. Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And I know Reddit's huge because I've done a few of them. I don't, I don't do anything but look at cars on ebay. That's about occasional foresight. But I've done Reddit a few times and it's always huge. I mean, it's always, oh, this is what I mean. Every celebrity, everyone's done it now, right?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Quite a few.

[Bald Bryan]

It's, it's sort of brag a little bit. Has Obama done a Reddit?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yes, that was actually a really big moment for us. He did a Reddit ama, an ask me anything interview, which I know you've done a few of. And he did it. This was a few years ago during the, during the election. We tried to get Romney on. Unfortunately he didn't come, but the President did it actually from Charlottesville, Virginia, which coincidentally was where Steve and I started Reddit while we were at the University of Virginia all those years earlier. So it was a total mind job for me to like have the President using my thing.

[Bald Bryan]

So. By the way, you have a podcast on called NYRD Radio. Yes, and it's coming out October 15th. You got a preview episode on itunes coming out soon. And then we can talk about the new company as well. Is that Y Combinator? Combinator, yes, indeed.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And it's not, to be fair, it's not mine, but I am a partner there, and it's an early stage investing company that invested in me and Steve nine years ago. So the reason Reddit exists is because they invested in us. There are other companies like Dropbox and Airbnb that they've also backed.

[Bald Bryan]

So you sold Reddit shortly after creating it, right?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, back in 06.

[Bald Bryan]

Just made a shitload of money, went on other things.

[Alexis Ohanian]

You know, I actually, Steve and I both stayed with the company for another little over three years, continuing to grow it. But yes, the first thing I did when the money cleared was I upgraded my dad's season tickets for the skins from the nosebleeds all the way to the front row. So I definitely, definitely indulged as soon as that happened.

[Bald Bryan]

And so you grew up in the D.C. area?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, I was born in Brooklyn, but raised in the boring suburbs of Columbia, Maryland.

[Bald Bryan]

And you go to college. How does the whole Reddit thing come about?

[Alexis Ohanian]

You know, I wanted for. I was a history major. I was just obsessing over my gpa. Just spending way too much time studying for, like, the lsat.

[Bald Bryan]

Sounds like a young Adam Corolla.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And I don't know how you had your epiphany, but I was at a Waffle House. When I had mine on Route 29, I had walked out of an LSAT, one of those Kaplan LSAT prep things. Walked out of it because it was Saturday. Yes, it's the role playing of an lsat.

[Bald Bryan]

I've seen commercials and you're familiar with the Waffle House. And I didn't take the sats or any. Any what?

[Adam Carolla]

Standardized test.

[Bald Bryan]

Any test of any. Any kind. But I do know the Waffle House has the least creative logo ever.

[Alexis Ohanian]

It is Spartan.

[Bald Bryan]

It is just uppercase letters that say waffle and House, and that is it.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah. And the. But the yellow and the black kind of gives you a sense of waffle with each square.

[Bald Bryan]

If you put it next to, like, Pepsi or Coca Cola or Ford or something or whatever. Union 76. It's literally just as Waffle and House.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like someone went to the hardware store and bought letters for the sign.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Letters.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's like if you were trapped on an island with just waffles and you had to signal a rescue Plane. You had waffles. That's the lettering. That would be your logo. That's what it looks like. There's nothing other than waffle and house. But when you have waffle waffles, you don't need to fucking get all glitzy and flarey with everyone's ass.

[Alexis Ohanian]

You've got waffles, you just do it. And those waffles gave me the epiphany. I swear to you. I walked out. It was a Saturday morning. Walked out with my buddy Jack, and I was like, do I really want to be a lawyer? Like, this is not fun. What I'm doing right now is not fun. And I wanted waffles more than I wanted to be a lawyer. And so I was like, well, fuck it. Let me try to come up with something else. And fortunately, I had this great friend Steve, who was much smarter than me, who was always talking about stuff he wanted to build using software. And we would always talk, we'd always bullshit about different ideas we wished existed in the world. And I went back to him and said, listen, Steve, I know you got a job offer in a couple years before, when you graduate, but I want you to quit it. Just turn it down and start a company with me and live like college students for as long as possible, making things on the Internet. And that led to Reddit through a series of stars and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

And he went for that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Alexis Ohanian]

You know, his mom was less excited, I think, when she found out. But the good news was, I think I was able. I was persuasive enough with Steve that he was like, yeah, all right, sure, why not? And it helped because we didn't have. We were fresh out of college. Right. We see this a lot of time, actually, with the founders who apply to Y Combinator. When you get founders straight out of college, they don't know what they're missing.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Alexis Ohanian]

You've been living like a college, and if you've got pizza and beer, life is great. And so, you know, if you haven't been spoiled by having, like, a real salary or anything, or, like, weekends off, you can just work on projects you love and do it with a lot. I mean, it was a laptop and an Internet connection. That's all we needed to start the company.

[Bald Bryan]

So. Right. You didn't need a whole bunch of seed money or any of that.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Our first funding was $12,000 from Y Combinator, and that was basically enough to just live for three months.

[Bald Bryan]

How'd you come up with the Reddit name?

[Alexis Ohanian]

I was in Alderman Library at UVA.

[Bald Bryan]

They got Waffle House in there.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Now, if only I would have spent even more time in the library then. And I was just messing around trying to come up with bastardizations of like read it or having like read it. And of course all the good domain names are taken even back in five and I stumbled on Reddit and like I hoped people would say, hey, I read it on Reddit. I don't know if anyone ever said that. Have you ever acknowledged that, Brian?

[Bald Bryan]

Do you say Reddit on Reddit?

[Allison Rosen]

I say it all the time. Yes, yes, my personalized license plate for him.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Thank you. Thank you for indulging me with that.

[Bald Bryan]

Now you listened to me growing up, so you must have listened to WHFS99.1. Yeah, in Washington. Well played, D.C. i do remember. I think I could probably name eight of the one hundred and fifty billion.

[Alexis Ohanian]

If only you could use those powers for good.

[Bald Bryan]

I know, it's amazing. Well under 5%. But yeah, I do remember that because as a matter of fact, if we're going to just sort of talk about the circle of life, I was just telling my partner from Catch a Contractor Skip, I was explaining this the time I was flown in a private jet to Washington D.C. to go out and do the WHF Festival. Yeah, at RFK Stadium where your dad had the season seats, season ticket holder. And I was going to bring out Blur or the mighty Boss Tones or Beck or somebody and they flew me in a private jet just to go to that gig. And I had soft shell crab that night and was sick the following day with food poisoning in the morning. And it was this weird thing where I found myself violently vomiting at 6am in my hotel room, knowing that at noon I was supposed to be on stage in front of 55,000 people bringing out back. And I was on my hands and knees and shivering and I mean, it was like, it was violent, you know, that feeling. And the last thing you feel like you can even feel physically do is put yourself together, hop on like a subway train or something that takes you to the stadium, get off, go negotiate the crowd and the lanyards and everything's.

[Adam Carolla]

Up there with coming off heroin, possibly worse.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh God, I was a fucking mess. But I kept thinking to myself, with my Corolla, no self esteem, these people flew me in a private jet from Burbank to come here to make the stage announcement. And they announced it to everybody. Hey, he's coming out. The guy from Loveline is going to come out on stage and do these, maybe a couple of stage announcements. And I'm shivering in the fetal position after I just vomited for the fifth time in my bedroom on my bathroom floor. And I'm thinking, I can't even stand up. How am I getting? And I remember just thinking to myself, look, if you can go half an hour without vomiting, you can get yourself together and get on that fucking train and go down to that stadium. And I went a half hour without yakking, and I got my shit together and I rolled into the bowels of RFK Stadium. And the first thing I found were the Boss Tones and Dickey Barrett. And I said, dickie, where's your area? And they had all these areas set up for their. All the different bands with like, sort of sheets hanging that just sort of separated this group from that group. This is your own little domicile over here. I said, I need Gatorade and I gotta crash out. I got like cots and stuff. And I just Gatoraded myself up. And Dickie was like, what, a partier?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, right. He thought you went hard. It just one. Sasha.

[Bald Bryan]

I did see Andy Dick that night. We did do a couple of shots, and I think we saw Ben Folds at whatever that famous old club is. That's the CBGB's of Washington D.C. area.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Oh, this is bad.

[Bald Bryan]

You just called me out for not being rat infested.

[Alexis Ohanian]

I never went. My friends and I, but you would.

[Bald Bryan]

Have heard of it. I mean, it was the Whiskey A go go. The CBGB's like a black.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Can we Google this?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it was like. It was a dive, but it's the kind of place Ben Folds would have played back in the late 90s or whatever it is. We'll figure it out. It's like DC area's coolest. Like I said, the whiskey, CBGB's. Whatever. Whatever it is. So that was my RFK story for you.

[Alexis Ohanian]

So I hope you've had better trips to the district since actually.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. What was your last time? I swore never again. Never again. No, I recovered fully and went out with Dickie and some of the other Bostones that night to a gay part of town where they had a great steak joint.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Awesome. Who is the mightiest of the Boss Tones?

[Allison Rosen]

Tube steak.

[Bald Bryan]

The mightiest of all. The 9:30 Club.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I saw a system of it down there. Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, there you go.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Okay. All right, Great. All right. Guess I got a little bit of cool Point redemption.

[Bald Bryan]

You agreeing with my Gary Googling?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not giving you gold.

[Adam Carolla]

I finally found it because when I tried to search coattails Washington D.C. dive, Music Club, places to scuba dive came up.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, which is. Yeah, I don't think it would be legendary or something like that. So you saw System?

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, down there. It was a good venue. But I, like I said, my friends and I, oh my God, literally. And I'm not just saying it's the only parties my friends and I went to until college were LAN parties. That is a local area network party that was. You had to bring. We brought our big CRT monitors and our cars and our desktop big ass desktop computers to our friend's home and spent the entire weekend. Thank you. Just playing video games. And I swear, I swear did not drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Party is in a burn.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Never got drunk, never got high until college. It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't anything too ridiculous. Well, there were moments. But no, my friends, if it weren't for computers, I don't know what we would have done. Obviously it kind of paid off.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, that's an interesting, interesting point. And it's great that I think. I mean, nerds are the kind of new. I don't want to say sex symbols, but the jock thing, especially what's going on with the NFL these days. A lot of the bloom is off that rose, right? I mean it's. The jock thing has lost its luster. And plus the idea, I think women have finally figured out that dating the jock in high school and or college is probably gonna translate into him getting a job working for a road crew for, you know, the DWP or something like that. He's not going to the show. I don't care how good this guy is at the high school level or even at the college level, he's not going to the show. So there shall be no payday for you. It'll be quite the contrary. He's focusing on football all throughout the years. Everyone else is focusing on being an attorney or being a competitor computer programmer. And he's going to get himself a gig delivering the mail, digging ditches, swinging a hammer. I mean the thing that guys who work with their brawn instead of the brains. Somewhere along the line I think the ladies sort of figured out, you know what the computer nerd. It's a little bit rough now, but in a few years he's going to pay some dividends.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Long term investment.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, women, if you take, if you look at it this way, everything ultimately is just sort of driven by sex. You know, whenever you try to ask like, well, why is this or why is that in society we talk about something like oh, men. How come they. How come there's more male comedians than women? I got in a bunch of trouble for saying men were funnier than women, but they asked me, who's funnier? And I said, men are funnier. And then it's a bunch of, oh, you're such an asshole. But the reality is, as a guy, you make a girl laugh, you get laid as a girl, you make a guy laugh. Probably means you have a weight problem. Not you, Allison. But you know what I'm saying? What I'm saying is it doesn't translate into getting laid for a man. It translates into direct correlation. Getting laid for a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

It translates into being a confidant.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And letting him know how your hot friend feels about him.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Could you help me find a chick with no sense of humor but small around the hips? You could do it. You're funny. Yeah. So everything sort of translates into pussy at some point. And the idea that nerds are sort of the new captains of the football team, eventually, I think women have probably steered it that direction. Like, they went, these guys don't punch us that much, if at all. Yes.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah. Let's advocate not.

[Bald Bryan]

They have an avatar that punches, threatens to punch us, but that never actually does, and they end up making more money down the road than the jock on the football team. I just wonder. I feel like women turn the corner on nerds in a big way in the last couple of decades, or at least decade or so, and they fucking. I think they've sprinkled more pussy amongst the nerds, and I think that's creating more nerds.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean investment of pussy?

[Bald Bryan]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Seed.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Oh, wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Angel investors.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah. One of the things I definitely see, and this is where I obviously am a big fan of the Internet, where I see it being so empowering, is right now we have this platform that didn't really, really came alive in the last 10, 15 years where, like, what do you want to learn? You just talk about all the time you're spending on, like, ebay, motors. And you're obviously into cars, Right? Like, your access to knowledge about vehicles or connecting with other people who care about these things is now infinite. Right. You can find answers to questions that 10, 15 years ago, you never could have.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And so if you are intellectually curious, dude, the Internet is your stage and library in one, because you can learn anything, whether it's learning how to program or learning how to fix a carburetor. I don't know anything about cars.

[Bald Bryan]

Most cars are injected these Days.

[Alexis Ohanian]

But yes, it's a. Because it's a vintage guy.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, vintage cars are all carburetor.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Like, there we go.

[Bald Bryan]

Save the day.

[Alexis Ohanian]

But like, I think that's something that's really exciting for me. And I just got done, I did an 80 something college book tour where I was talking about this very thing. Like, I want to create a world full of people who are thinking themselves as makers, as creators, as doers. Because, like, you know, we have in our pockets, Those of us, 60% of Americans have smartphones in our pockets. We have computers and access to knowledge that is greater than what Presidents had like 20 years ago. And it's in our pockets and that is and can be a catalyst for so much cool shit. And I just want people doing cool stuff, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy to me that 40% don't.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Right. The latest numbers are about 60, 60%, 60, 65% have smartphones.

[Bald Bryan]

But still, I'm not holdouts. I had a certain disdain for those. When I were to find out that, you know, 40% of Americans had no cable or no satellite TV. I wash my hands with those people. You are dead to me.

[Alexis Ohanian]

It filled, disgust filled.

[Bald Bryan]

I spit in your direction. The smartphone. There's a part of me that kind of goes, go. Good for you. You're, you're, you're out. You're out living on nature's terms or something. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Your clamshell phone.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm just picturing you doing something, you know, you're kayaking right now, fucking sending someone an angry text, you know, or whatever. Whatever it is in your case.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a text.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't know how to text.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I mean angry text is just a text.

[Bald Bryan]

All text? Yes. Ah, blinds galore. This. Oh my God. Summer, the heat, the humanity. We're at this sting house to catch a contract there. We had to go upstairs in like the makeup room. There were no blinds on that window and it was so hot that they had to hang a blanket in front of it because it was just pushing through the window.

[Allison Rosen]

It's worse than being outside because at least outside there's a little breeze or every once in a while, two mile an hour breeze.

[Bald Bryan]

You need the blinds and you need good window coverings. And that's what Blinds Galore can do. They can cut down the heat 50%. Save 150 bucks on your energy bill annually. What do you got there, Matt? Oh, man.

[Alexis Ohanian]

We put these up a couple weeks ago.

[Bald Bryan]

It is the only way I've been.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Able to sleep for the last Several weeks.

[Bald Bryan]

The heat is so bad. But that blackout, taking the heat out, it's the best I know. When I had my first apartment, I had cardboard shoved in the window. And then later on feet, I had foil because of its radiant barrier quality.

[Allison Rosen]

Not from Blinds Galore.

[Bald Bryan]

Not from Blinds Galore. Blinds Galore, baby. You can get free samples, free shipping, free window expertise. Truly amazing prices. Go to blindsgalore.com. that's blindsgalore.com and let them know I sent you. And take care of this. Because not only does it fry your brain, but it'll sunblast your sofa and your sunblast your carpet.

[Adam Carolla]

Melt your cassettes.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, yeah. All right. Shall we do Lexus? You want to hang in, Sip a little Mangria? What are you drinking?

[Alexis Ohanian]

I was informed this is called yes. And it's a. It's a very nice and potent.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Beverage. I think that was the angle, right?

[Bald Bryan]

That was the angle.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Bravo.

[Bald Bryan]

Enjoy. We'll do a little news with Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen.

[Mike August]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Bald Bryan]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Allison Rosen]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Bald Bryan]

It's Allison, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you aware that U2 released an album, Songs of Innocence, that they have in conjunction with Apple? They're giving it away for free. It's probably. If you have itunes, it's probably in your itunes right now.

[Bald Bryan]

I heard something about that when I was listening to the radio on the ride in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Sharon Osborne went off on Twitter. I don't know how you feel about her, Adam, but I suspect you're on the same page as she is regarding U2. She said, you two, you are business moguls, not musicians anymore. No wonder you have to give your mediocre music away for free. Cause no one want for free because no one wants to buy it. Guys, nothing is for free. How much you making? She called them just a bunch of middle aged political groupies. And she said, whose political ass are we going to pull you out of today? Or are you front row at another tragic fashion show? And then she told them they should fuck off.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. You know what I love about her? She has very strong feelings about almost nothing. And maybe we're kindred spirits in that particular here's. All right, first off, as a couple things, guys like U2 does a lot, a lot more good than they do harm. Like God. God bless.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised I've never heard you say, well, they're trying.

[Bald Bryan]

I. I think they're trying. Look, I don't. Their music is, you know, bucka bucka bucka bucka buga bucka buga bucka buga bucka bugga buga buga bugga bugga, bugga bugga.

[Alexis Ohanian]

I love that song.

[Bald Bryan]

That's every YouTube song I don't like. They're all. They have a couple of good songs, but other than that, I think consistency is what I would. What I would grade them. And as I said, I always laugh at Larry Mullins because one guy's name's Bono, the other guy's name, the Edge. And Bono, the Edge. The Edge. And I always picture him getting on an airplane or something saying, who are you? I'm the Edge. Who are you? I'm Bono. Who are you? I'm Larry. How did you get in this group with that dorky name? So it's got to be tough for Larry Mullens. That's number one. I believe they're trying to do good things. I mean, look, ultimately, I just have a ledger, and the ledger basically says, takers and givers. They've paid enough in taxes, they've contributed enough, and they haven't killed anyone or had 20 illegitimate kids or beat on them with switches or anything. So fine. I'm fine. I don't know why. And I'm sure they're business people, but maybe they're business people and philanthropists. I don't know where they're going to give stuff away. And there's nothing. First off, selling out. Well, the idea of being in a band is selling out a club, and then you want to sell out a theater, and then be nice to sell out a stadium. The Beatles came here and they played Shea Stadium, and they sold out Shea Stadium. Did anyone call them sellouts? That was a good thing, right? Elton John. Hey, play Dodger Stadium. He sold out Dodger Stadium. And they went, whoa, that's A guy's selling out in this duck outfit.

[Allison Rosen]

It is weird, the lines we make between selling out and not. It's like, if you have a residency in Las Vegas, are you selling out? Or are you reached the peak of the argument you made? Or have you reached the peak?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, not Siegfried and Roy, because I think they started there.

[Bald Bryan]

But yeah, I'm just saying, first off, let's save the vitriol for the truly bad people on the planet. There's people out there that are doing genital mutilations as we speak, and there's people out there that are rounding up the young Girls, remember the hashtag. The bring our girls home or back or whatever it is. Those girls are still. They're still. Didn't work. The hashtag.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Hashtag did not work.

[Bald Bryan]

Not as effective as, like, an Apache helicopter, as it turns out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true up there. But not as.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, still got them. None of them coming back. Still being held. Let's reserve our true vitriol, the people being beheaded, for the folks that are swinging the sword on the necks of the journalists that are being beheaded. This is a rock group that is trying to do something, and it really.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Makes me wonder what happened between them and Sharon.

[Bald Bryan]

There's got to be.

[Alexis Ohanian]

There's got to be a backstory.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And the. You're musicians or you're not musicians. You're a corporate. Whatever you saw. That's a bit of a pot in the kettle kind of thing from Sharon Osbourne. Right. Like, Ozzy Osbourne is a reality star who's in commercials now. He is not a musician.

[Bald Bryan]

No. And he gets propped up and pushed out toward the microphone.

[Allison Rosen]

She's the Svengali of it all.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the Kris Jenner.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. He's the original Kris Jenner of it all. Absolutely.

[Bald Bryan]

I think her thing is staying in the news and saying outrageous things.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we're talking about it.

[Bald Bryan]

It's true. Yeah, that's right. But we'll be back. I think that's kind of the deal. But on the other hand, brassy's always fun, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so, Alexis, being an Internet guy, what's your take on this free album that's in all of our phones right now? If we have itunes?

[Alexis Ohanian]

I mean, I suppose it's probably gonna get more people thinking about U2 and probably buying other U2 stuff.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They've had a massive sales bump. Their back catalog.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Alexis Ohanian]

I mean, it's funny. Like, it's. It's weird. I think a lot about the app space, Right. Because our phones are sacred. Right. We have to choose. Except for the lumberjack who doesn' have a smartphone.

[Bald Bryan]

He's free, man.

[Alexis Ohanian]

He's liberated.

[Bald Bryan]

He's living with nature, man.

[Alexis Ohanian]

But the rest of us, we are slaves to that home screen. And, like, the. The opportunity right there to get our attention is so limited because it's just a little square. And if your app's not there, like, you don't matter. And so, you know, this was a pretty bold move by Apple just to be like, hey, look, go engage with this thing. There's something there waiting for you. And I I wouldn't be surprised if we started to see more of this and just, you know, another notification popping up in another six months with another band that cut a deal just to get us thinking about apps or things that we hadn't thought about in the last six months.

[Bald Bryan]

And in a world where Sharon Osbourne tearing you a new asshole is a good thing because it's just one more mention of your product, it is weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Even though, hey, great free album that I didn't want, there's something like vaguely violating about it. Almost like, do you remember when your phone made a noise and you got an Amber Alert and you're like, what? I didn't know this could pop up on my phone.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Or the flash flood warning.

[Bald Bryan]

The thing that I find interesting and I kind of enjoy this. We're now living in a time where we have to navigate this sort of public opinion thing. Is this going to be a douche move? Is this going to be a brilliant move? What will it look like five years from now? Will we change our minds? Will we go, oh, my God, these guys were innovators. They were the first ones to do it. Now they seem douchey five years from now. Maybe they seem like pioneers in this field, but how do you. It's like, how do you get people behind you without getting them to turn on you? You know, it's a lot like this crowdfunding campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

How concerned should you be with that, do you think?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you shouldn't be concerned about people calling you names behind your back, but what you should be concerned about is taking your audience and turning them away from you because you've done something that can be construed as a money grab or greedy or, you know, I think people. It's an interesting thing because, look, it's just a consumer based world we're living in and everyone sort of gets the part where you go, you get this, and I charge for that. And I think people are generally okay with that. But if something seems like a grab or trick or greedy or whatever it is, then they turn on you. So. So you two has to go, is this cool or is this gonna piss people off? Or what percentage of people are gonna think it's cool versus the Sharon Osbournes of the world.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And I think I see this with artists coming up now who are like, forged in the last 10 years in social media, that they have a different relationship with their fans. Like YouTube's fan base, let's face it, probably isn't on Instagram every minute. And I think for artists who are coming up now, they're gonna have a very different relationship with. With their fans. And I mean this in every sense. Comedians, every. They're gonna have a different relationship because they've been talking to them from jump right all over the world, and they've seen all ranges of it. And I think it's even more important for them to be authentic with their fans, because they've had what fans perceive of as being a more real relationship than anything else that could have been provided. I mean, it's a weird. Obviously, like, I don't understand what the celebrity world was like, sort of before all this, but I think the next U2 is probably gonna have a very different relationship where they're gonna. They're gonna come. They're not gonna go through even Apple, let's say, just be like, surprise, y'all get an album. Because they're gonna have a much more direct relationship with those fans than that.

[Bald Bryan]

You know when Radiohead did the thing where they said, here's album. Pay what you want. Now everyone, now, see, there's a little experiment that was hella good, that could have backfired, but everyone went, oh, cool. Yeah, it's cool. My dream. Where's Bono from? Ireland. Ireland.

[Allison Rosen]

The whole band.

[Bald Bryan]

My whole thing is I want to send Bob Seeger to Ireland and have them every time. I don't know what system of government they have over there, but every time he just gets up and speaks and wants to know why they're not doing more in Africa and why they're not doing more for the kids and why they're not doing more. I just want to take one of our.

[Allison Rosen]

The way Bono lectures us.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

I just want Bob Seeger to go over there.

[Adam Carolla]

And Kid Rock, too.

[Bald Bryan]

And Kid Rock and. Well, I kind of like Kid Rock. Bob, I could do without. All right, I'm gonna send Bob Seger over there for 10 years. Every time they have any kind of government business, he's gonna get up there and he's gonna want to know why Ireland's not doing more. With all the riches and all the ability. It's a shame in a black guy that. You guys, what's going on in Darfur while Ireland just sits there and eats their. Drinks their Guinness and eats their. Just get us potatoes. Yeah. What's going on over there in Darfur? How can you sleep? And then Bob Seger would go back to his place again and just nail some hot chick.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect.

[Bald Bryan]

That's my plan.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Is that Bob Seger's life right now?

[Bald Bryan]

It could be if you listen to me. I'm just saying, if you're from Ireland, how fast does that get fucking annoying?

[Allison Rosen]

Probably pretty fast.

[Bald Bryan]

All right. That's all I want to say about Bono. I'm annoyed. Okay. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

I think we all agree.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to say, even though I agree with. It's very sensible what you're saying. I'm surprised that you're pro U2 stance.

[Bald Bryan]

I've softened a little because I heard Bono give some sort of speech and he was doing one of those things where he was stressing, I don't know, hard work and parent being a good parent and education or whatever it was. And I remember it just went like, yeah, just a tip. But, yeah, I saw some of me in Bono.

[Adam Carolla]

You saw it or you wanted to see it?

[Alexis Ohanian]

It's ever just a tip.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I told him it was going to start out as just a tip. Yeah, he's just diminutive, man.

[Allison Rosen]

He's tiny.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. That's another thing I like about him. We call this rock and roll spinner. Spin him so hard those shades came off.

[Allison Rosen]

Pins him. Records.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. All right, where were we? Ah, stamps dot com. Oh, man, these guys, smart computers. We're talking about the computing power of your cell phone these days. Why go to the post office? It's 2014. Use stamps.com. 24 hour access. It's like 24 hour access to the post office right at your own desk. No lines, no hassles. Get official US Postage, and you put on any letter. Do it right from your own computer. Comes right out of your printer. You weigh it on the digital scale. You never do a penny more. That's the whole thing. You have your U2 compilation 90 minute cassette. You're going to send it to your friend in Nebraska. How many stamps?

[Allison Rosen]

Who knows?

[Bald Bryan]

Who knows? Nobody knows. That's why you have stamps.com. you put it on the digital scale, goes right to the computer. The exact amount comes out of your printer. Like magic. They got a $55 free postage deal for you. And it comes with the scale as well. The digital scale goes right on your computer. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click the microphone, top of the homepage, type in Adam. That is stamps.com. enter Adam. All right, Allison, what else you got there?

[Adam Carolla]

Scientists have figured out the best position to have sex for men with back pain. I don't know if this is something that affects your life. One day it might.

[Bald Bryan]

Everyone has a fucked up back, and I used to have a fucked up back too, and was mostly my neck. And then I started doing what I want to do for a living. And I never had another bad back or neck day. And that's when I realized so much of it is just fucking up in your head. Why shouldn't it be your head? Your neck connects, your head, your back, pretty much. And if you're bummed out about your life station, you're going to have a lot of days when you wake up Monday morning and you go, oh, I can't turn my head. And your next call is going to be into the office and telling the boss, man, I cannot get out of bed.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Dude, I can't tell you. I've literally worked because I did read it right out of school, right? Nine years. I've literally always woken up and worked on something I at least in some way loved or chose to do. And it is the greatest gift, man. I worked enough jobs moving boxes in FedEx and, like, cooking at Pizza Hut. Incidentally, never get the anchovies on a Pizza Hut pizza if you just lost the Pizza Hut sponsorship. But I'm telling you, man, just to hear that, too. It's just, I. Yeah, I. I hope I can avoid lower back pain for as long as possible by continuing to work on cool stuff thanks to the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with the anchovies?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, watch me avoid that.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, not that I would never order them anyway, but I must know.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Not many people order anchovies, so when they do, it's like, oh, where's. Oh, yeah, there it is. Okay. How long has this been here? We don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It smells fishy.

[Alexis Ohanian]

We don't know. Let's peel them apart. And it's all congealed at that point.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And when something is born bad, how do you know when it goes bad?

[Alexis Ohanian]

I do also hate fresh. I'm a little biased, but I would. Yeah, I'd avoid the. Well, but anyway, the.

[Bald Bryan]

The back and the neck. And I'll tell you this, sick days, too, when you're doing what you want to do, it's again, you want to get out of bed. How many, if you really think about it, how many events in your life that you look forward to, have you missed because of illness, concert or a road trip or whatever it is? The answer for most people is almost zero. Even the D.C. thing, I almost. I still got my shit together and ended up at the stadium. And if that was work, no fucking way, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's times where you suspect it's gonna make you worse. But you go anyway because you just can't miss it.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that you want to go to.

[Bald Bryan]

Absolutely. And then it doesn't. But either way, the back and the neck pain and. Look, some people have real problems, and some people. But Look, I played 10 years of football, and it wasn't tackle with your shoulder. It was lead with your head. And my neck was fucked up and my back was fucked up, and I went right into construction where it was nothing but hauling sheets of drywall up flights of stairs and, like, having to bend down because the ceiling was, like, too low. And you're like, do, like, that low move with five eights. And it's. You know, the second I stopped, the second I got into radio, the second I met Jimmy Kimmel, the second I started doing what I wanted to do, it's like all of a sudden, I just got out of bed and back and neck gone.

[Adam Carolla]

And it wasn't because you were no longer carrying sheets of gown? No, because.

[Bald Bryan]

Because I still. I still ended up doing a lot of. You know, I built this studio and I built. You know, I still was very involved with doing a lot of building and boxing and stuff like that, where I definitely could have fucked my back up or my neck up or whatever, and it just. It all just went away.

[Allison Rosen]

That's something to live for.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And sick days, too.

[Adam Carolla]

For the sake of this story, let's just assume we're talking about people who. Because this came out in the journal spine. I don't know if you guys have a subscription.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, yeah. I've been a lifelong subscriber that enjoys life since I was a weed.

[Adam Carolla]

They're talking about people who actually have back problems. Apparently, for years, physicians suggested spooning as the one position that fits all, which boggles my mind because that I think you would throw your back out just trying to line the parts up.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Inner or outer? Doesn't specify. I like sometimes being the inner spoon.

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

So bad for sex.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And I'm a big guy.

[Bald Bryan]

Still, bad for sex, we're talking about.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah. Well, let's go on deeper with that discussion. Sorry. Go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, actually, if it's two dudes, you could be inner or outer.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, they recommend doggy style.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

If you think about it, for the top dog, it wouldn't be that uncomfortable. The bottom one's getting rammed.

[Bald Bryan]

I need to study. I'm gonna bring it home tonight clutching my back.

[Allison Rosen]

Could it do me a solid?

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, look at this for science. This is science. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently, many couples remain celibate because one night of lovemaking can lead to months of back agony.

[Allison Rosen]

Spooning would be a horrible position for bad backpackers.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, a missionary's got to be the worst for the. For the bad back. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They recommend a hip hinging motion rather than thrusting with their spines. I don't even get that.

[Allison Rosen]

Cowgirl's got to work out pretty well.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, the.

[Bald Bryan]

Again, as far as studies go, that's, you know. You know, there's like, exposure to asbestos and stuff like that. And then there's, like, bad back positions to fuck in. Feel like that would be for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

You know, that'd be the line I would get in at the lab.

[Alexis Ohanian]

What was the research university or the.

[Adam Carolla]

University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah, I know the University of Waterloo. Great engineering school.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, apparently, I never thought of cowgirl as being the name of the position that's the opposite of reverse cowgirl.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's the girl on top.

[Alexis Ohanian]

You have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I get that now.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Like, you can't have reverse cowgirl without cow.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I just had reverse cowgirl in my lexicon.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, so doggies, the position if.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys have bad backs.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, and we're behind, right? We got that part. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Except Alexis. What? What part of the spoon.

[Alexis Ohanian]

I enjoy being the little spoon. In spooning.

[Bald Bryan]

In spooning.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Not the sexual spooning.

[Bald Bryan]

It's clear now.

[Alexis Ohanian]

It's a nice.

[Bald Bryan]

Now it's just.

[Alexis Ohanian]

It's comforting. I'm a big dude, and every now and then it's nice to be held, you know?

[Bald Bryan]

Now, wait, you are. You're a big dude and your dad's got Skins season tickets, so he must like football. And then maybe he's a big football fan. He may have played a little football.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Oh, no, no, no. My dad's like five, ten. Definitely not. No, he was just a hippie nerd.

[Bald Bryan]

So is it. But is. It's weird that the hippie nerd had Washington Redskins season tickets and then. And then he has a son that could perfect size for a tight end in high school, College. Why not? Did he. Did he encourage you?

[Alexis Ohanian]

You know, both of my parents, I wanted to play football from a very young age. And both of them said, you're going to play the other football. You're going to play soccer like a good suburban kid for 9 years and not risk injury. I know, I know. And I will say, though, I finally got to play my senior year of high school. I finally was like, I'm gonna do this. I was also pretty out of shape. All that computer playing So I would have been.

[Allison Rosen]

That's when you want to jump in is what everyone else has been playing for three years.

[Bald Bryan]

Exactly.

[Alexis Ohanian]

And I was basically. I would have not been a tight end. I would have been like a tackle. I was a big kid and I basically cut out fast food, spent an entire summer getting in shape, made the football team, and then sat on the bench for an entire season. But it was amazing. And I got one sack, one sack. When I got put in at the end of a blowout game. And it was the highlight of my sports career. Like Rudy, it was much less, much less powerful. But my parents were in the audience that day so I could tell them it happened every week.

[Bald Bryan]

Look, being in football is a very powerful experience. I really feel that way. And the guys who sit on the bench, which happened to me, my 10th grade year sucks because there is nothing worse than football practice. I mean, it is the middle of September, it is 107 degrees outside and there's football practice.

[Allison Rosen]

Try being on the scout team today.

[Bald Bryan]

And you're running laps, you're doing wind sprints, you're doing all this shit. And when you start, you have the, you know. Okay, well, Friday night's coming up and I'll be starting both ways and that'll be awesome. But when you're gonna sit on the bench for most of Friday night and you're still sweltering out in the heat, running, doing the two A days and the jingle jangles and everything. That fucking sucks. Because you're doing the exact same amount of the miserable shit minus any of the good shit.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's a jingle jangle?

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, they, they do, they do these ones. They'd have a few.

[Allison Rosen]

Get up and show her.

[Bald Bryan]

They have the one where you started on the goal line. You ran up to like the 10 yard line, touched it and ran back to the goal line. Suicides. Yeah. And then the next one you'd run down to the 20 yard line, touch it, run back to the goal line. You just keep going all the way down the field. And then another one where you would traverse the entire field. So you go up the sideline and go the five yard line or the 10 yard line, you make a right, you just go all the way across the field. Then you'd go up another five yards, make a left, go all the way back across. As they, they would just come up with weird, diabolical and genius 3 yards.

[Allison Rosen]

Or whatever it is each way.

[Bald Bryan]

I mean. Yeah. And they just figure out ways just to. It was like football coaches are somewhat Sadistic. And they would come up with ways to kind of torture you at the end. So when you're done with practice, they've come up with something. Andy.

[Allison Rosen]

And run. You know, the team has to run in a line. The last guy has to run to the front, then the last guy has.

[Bald Bryan]

To run to the front.

[Allison Rosen]

Get rid of those.

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, miserable.

[Bald Bryan]

We did the one. You just.

[Allison Rosen]

The lineman would be their turn. It's like. Oh, God damn it.

[Bald Bryan]

At the end, you'd be running laps. I remember this one was everything we did. You'd be put in prison for now. We'd run laps. You'd run, like, the first lap forward, and then you'd run the second lap running backwards, which of course just meant that my buddy Chris Array would run out 10 yards ahead of you, get down on all fours, and as you're running backwards, you just go fucking sailing over them.

[Allison Rosen]

The coast would not have been pleased with that.

[Bald Bryan]

You didn't give a shit, I don't think. And they were just coming up with ways to torture you in the heat. That's. That's how they did it. But it was. It was.

[Alexis Ohanian]

It was amazing. It was. Weirdly, I don't. I've never thought of myself as a masochist, but I really felt great. I've never felt better than the highs after those, like, insane workouts during it. It was a terrible thing. And it's part of the reason. Probably I don't exercise at all since then, but.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. You don't know. You don't know what's in you. Like, it's so weird. Weird. You're just running in place and a guy blows a whistle, and every time blows a whistle, you go down onto your belly and you pop up again and you run in place again, and it's just bound on your belly and up again, up downs. And it's like you get that big whoosh of grass as your face mask hits the grass, and it's right back up and it. You can dog it a little bit, but you're gonna get called out. I mean, there's a guy standing there watching all of you. If you're the last one to pop up or amongst the last to pop up, you're getting yelled at. I mean, they'll yell your name out in front of everybody or they'll send you on a lap or whatever it is. You don't want to be that guy.

[Allison Rosen]

He'll send the whole team on a lap and say, this one's. This one's for thank Corolla. For this one.

[Bald Bryan]

He's dogging it. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Gotta run.

[Adam Carolla]

I would not last on the football team.

[Bald Bryan]

It's what you want. I mean, you don't want to go through it, and you don't want to go through the brain trauma, but you do want that kind of toughness, because it's that kind of toughness that enables you to do the things in life that are like, oh, fuck, I'm not gonna have enough sleep. I'm gonna feel like shit, and I need to get up and sort of.

[Alexis Ohanian]

Show up for liquids coming out of my body.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. And I gotta bring out back because I've got a little something called intestinal fortitude, and there's something leaking from my fortitude right now. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zed Red Content guys who plays drums. Chances are I've slept with them.

[Bald Bryan]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, this is adam Krill Show 1412.

[Allison Rosen]

Coming for our last clip today, we.

[Bald Bryan]

Have Adam Kirill Show 1811 featuring Dave Portney, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This clip just focuses on Dave Portney. He's been in the news a lot recently. This is one of his earliest appearances. Media what?

[Allison Rosen]

Podcast appearance I heard him on back in 2016.

[Bald Bryan]

Hope you guys enjoy. Good day, Gina. Graham. Good day to you. Man. Bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

What is the sports excited for this?

[Bald Bryan]

I said, huh?

[Alexis Ohanian]

His birthday's today.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, there you go. All right. Remind me to call him. God, he's such a good guy. I called him, you know, for favor, like I always do, and he, like, called me back immediately. And then later on, I couldn't get him again. And then he told me, call me at home. And then I called him last night, and we went back and forth a little, but he said, what's going on over there? And I said, heard about this one. You asked about this, Jay, it's going good. It's going real good. Going in seven years and you've been here, and you know how it goes, and you're doing the same thing, filming at your garage and. And it's nice. It's nice that we live in a world where you get to go do your car show and your car museum over there, and we get to come over here to the studio that I built and do our show over here.

[Allison Rosen]

Follow your folly.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, it's a nice world that didn't really formally exist in the past. Yes, you could be in show business, but you had to go to NBC, had to get a bunch of notes. We have the network sensor and you had everybody else up the arse and that's all it was. And now you get to go just spread out and go do your own thing. So. Nice. I actually was over at the wood shop, got on the contractor saw, man, fired up the table saw. My wood shop. I'm getting to the point. Cabinets. Cabinets arrived today at the Corolla house and I'm finishing some of them off. And I got the thing and I'm doing the 22 and a half degree tilt on the table saw. And I'm doing the 45 tilt on the table saw. Yes, you.

[Allison Rosen]

You take a lot of pride in this stuff, building and carpentry and all that. Do they arrive prefab or half fab? How much design do you do?

[Gina Grad]

How much creative control is involved?

[Allison Rosen]

So I imagine there's, you know, you want to farm this stuff out to the people who do cabinets for a living.

[Bald Bryan]

But you used to do cabinets. I used to do cabinets for a living.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but still.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but still. What I did when I took a look at my basically $100,000 bid for the kitchen is I said, I shall do everything but the cabinet. I'm going to limit myself to everything but the cabinets, which brought it down to $89,000.

[Allison Rosen]

You shouldn't have built that sub zero.

[Bald Bryan]

I said, I'm doing everything but the cabinets, but I'm not going to saddle myself with the cabinets. It's just too much for me right now. And I'll let the cabinet guys do that. So I designed the kitchen, laid it out, framed it out, roughed it out, plumbing, electrical, all that stuff. And then today the cabinet started arriving. But they see, there's these moments that the building. The building is a metaphor because as I try to explain to everyone, like life, it starts horribly and then has. It can possibly have a good middle and ending. It starts off.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about?

[Bald Bryan]

Such traumatic. If you want to make. If you want to make. No, what I'm saying is life after birth. But I mean, if you want to make something of your life, you begin by what? I'm going to go intern over at this company. I'm going to be a page over at NBC. I'm going to go volunteer over. I'm going to sit in the mail room at William Morris, and what am I going to do? I'm going to sort through catalogs and in and outs and get yelled at by guys whose ties cost more than my car and. And it starts to be a runner. It sucks. It starts at me. And then you think, oh, I'm going to work at William Morris. And then what happens? I pretty much do Starbucks runs all day, and then I'm the last person here, and then I get yelled at because I parked my car in the wrong place and. Okay, that's how life starts. Well, guess what? That's how building starts. Building starts is you are going to rip out all the old mildewed cabinets around the sink and bust out the ceiling with all the little rat droppings and insulation and dust, and everything's gonna. And when you're all done with that part, you're just gonna be looking at a bunch of old studs in the kitchen just in different states of decay, and you'll go, ugh. And it'll actually be worse than it was. Of course.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it gets worse before. It gets better.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, working 60 hours in the mailroom at William Morris is worse than your college days. So now it's actually worse. And it's dirty, and it's a mess, and it's everything else. And then at a certain point, you start doing some little. You hit these little milestones. Like, today we button up the walls. We've. We've run the. We've run the insulation, we've run the electrical, we've run the plumbing, we've run the gas. We've run. We've roughed in everything. And today we button it up, and you start hanging the drywall look like. And it looks like the shape of a kitchen all of a sudden. And you enjoy that day, but now you move on to the next sort of crap. And we got to prime it. We got to skim it, mud it, sand it, prime it, and blah, blah, blah. And then the next little milestone, the cabinets show up. Now it's starting to look like something. So what I'm saying is, yeah, at the end, it's great. It's all done, and all the appliances are in and everything's up and running, and your nanny's in there cooking lasagna. But in the beginning, they're little milestones along the way, little points where you can have your little sense of satisfaction along the way. But it starts off in the worst possible way, and then it just gets better, better and better. And like I said, today also gets funner. It's a hell of a lot better for me to go get some maple ply and rip up some trim pieces for the countertop bar thing that I'm working on versus tearing out a Rotted stud and throwing it in a dumpster. So have you guys been eating out.

[Gina Grad]

Of a cooler for the past two months? What do you do without a kitchen?

[Bald Bryan]

We got a second kitchen, which is in my office, which is insane. I don't know if I've really thoroughly ever explained this, but keep going. A kitchen. Oh, my God. It's this great thing. The house is broken up into two halves. Left half and right half. Both with kitchens, both with little bedrooms, both with little things. Because the mother in law and the father in law live there. I must have said this one on the air. They moved. They built the house so that the family could all live together. They must have been Japanese or possibly Italian. Not my kind of Italian. Not the Corolla. Italian. Not the. Hey, you're 18 in two months. Get the hell out of the garage. See you never. No. Some kind of traditional Italian or some. Or Armenian perhaps, but some sort of family where they. Where they wanted to live together with the in laws. So they built a kitchenette on where my office is. Okay.

[Gina Grad]

Like another wing.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So it's like my office, my tv, my sofa, and then this kitchenette which I was going to blow out, but then I didn't blow it out because I blew out the main kitchen. And then everything got transferred to my kitchen, including the new big four foot, you know, giant refrigerator and everything else because we needed the space. So now it's parked in my office, the kitchen's in my office. And it's comical because I skip rope in the only place I have open, which is between the refrigerator that is just parked up against the wall. It's like somebody just took a huge refrigerator and just said, we're not putting it in the kitchen. We'll just put it in your den. And just. Olga and Lynette and the kids are trawling back and forth from the big fridge to the small fridge. Always a little confusion of what's in which fridge. And then trawling back and forth from the house to the kitchen. That's the spot where I skip my rope every night. So Olga's making dinner. I'm skipping my rope. And she's doing this move where she's trying to thread the needle.

[Allison Rosen]

I will double dodge.

[Bald Bryan]

I will pivot for her. As I start to pivot around, I will leave her berth to walk past the bookcase and open the fridge and get out. Natalia will basically walk right into it like she doesn't care. And then Sonny presses his cheek up against the wall and slides up against it like You've never. Like, he's on a ledge on the 22nd story of a building, pigeon landed on his head. Never seen. It was like, face pressed up against the thing, sliding, sliding, sliding. And then at a certain point, more than five people walk in and out more than five times. And I'll have a miniature fit where I go, 25 minutes, people. Can I skip my rope here? It's Grand Central. So the entire thing got moved into my office, essentially, and I'm excited to have the entire thing moved out of my office.

[Gina Grad]

All right, what's the date for that? You're thinking, when's it done?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it's done four months sooner than it would have been done if somebody else did it. Because I realize when these projects come up, it's not how long they take. People say, oh, it's going to take six months to redo your kitchen. It's going to take six months to redo your kitchen. Because after it's framed, we're going to take two weeks off before the drywallers show up or after it's framed. It's a week of nothing, and then the electrician comes in and roughs it out, and then it's a week of nothing, and then the plumber comes in and roughs it out, and then it's a week of nothing, and then the drywaller shows up, and then it's weighed on the cabinets, and then it's a week of nothing, and then the guy's gonna install the oven and the stove, the cooktop or whatever. It's a lot of. See, if it all just happened thai Pennington style, we'd be fine. But my backyard has been just a dust bowl with a gun. IED pool sitting unmolested for two weeks. So it's not that it takes that long. It's that everyone's on a different schedule somewhere. Which gets me to the cabinet guy, Larry with the super thick Israeli accent. I want to tell this to all my listeners with the English as a Second Language. We've gone over it before when I would call my Hispanic employees and the grandma or wife would answer the phone, and it would always be. It was weird because I wouldn't call them that often. But these are 4, 5, 14, 15 people living in a very small apartment. And somebody would pick up the phone and just be like, hello? And I'd go, hey, is Felipe there? No. It's always this crazy howling, like the human being you've been in the same 900 square feet with for 11 years. Possibly give Birth and. Or married. Like. And I go, felipe, that was a crazy, insane. Like, he's duct taped to a chair and someone's holding a gun under him and shaking their head at the lady like, hey. They used to do in every third movie, even the person standing behind the front door when the person would answer it, no, officer, no trouble here. Always. Like, can't the person simply take one step forward and be standing with the cop? And the whole movie would end. But now the guy's standing behind their. Shh. Hate to have anything happen to the grandkids. They're in the basement. Shh. But they get that. But there's this one too, and it's another foreign guy thing. And I don't know what it is, but I like to coach him. Larry, the cabinet guy does good work.

[Allison Rosen]

I think he's a failed, failed character.

[Bald Bryan]

Good Israeli Larry, the cabinet guy. He's good. Don't get er done, Larry. Get it done, Larry. He's one of these guys who, when you call, makes you think you've called the wrong number. Because of his tone and because of what his syllables that he emphasizes and that the general demeanor, like, it'll be. I talked to Matt yesterday. Matt said, I can't understand anything Larry's saying, so you got to call him. Now, Larry and I don't speak the same first language, but we do speak the universal language of cabinet making and love. So when I'm talking to him about toe kicks or face frames or full overlay versus half overlay doors or Euro whatever, I know when he's talking and when he's saying, do you have room for sub top? I know he said sub top, which is going underneath the countertop and then it's a three quarter inch piece of ply. But Matt has no idea what.

[Allison Rosen]

There's only so many terms, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. And even though they're broken in their English, I understand it. Although oven was a tough one to get out of them the other day. But here's. I don't mind that part. I mind the part when you call them. And we all know people that do this. They act like you've got the wrong number. Like he said, call Larry, hang up with me. Larry needs to talk over some details with you. Give him a call. And so you do the thing where you go, phone ring. Sorry. Okay, yeah, we'll do the phone ring. I'll play me in Larry, you have an old ring. Hello, Larry, it's Adam. Okay. Larry? Yes, it's Adam. Okay. Is this Larry? Yes. Okay. Matt told Me to call. Yes. Is this. First off, I've spoken to you on phone a grand total of three times and are combined 110 years on the planet. Can you help me out just a little bit with a. Oh, Adam, I was waiting for your call. Good. I had a question for you or any. Who are the people that just let you dangle out there like a wind chime covered in seagull shit? Like, who just let you just. They love to just let you dangle out there. Based on. Call me, hang up and call. Tell Matt to tell me to call him. Eight minutes later, his phone rings, it's me, and he's just gonna let me dangle out there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I always have this one. I never know how much to explain of who I am when I'm calling. Like, this person might recognize my name.

[Gina Grad]

But I run the gamut every time.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Adam, I'll give you the signal. I want to give you the signal. You say, oh, hey, Brian, how you doing? In a very familiar tone. Christy and I toured our first daycare two days ago, and we're supposed to call back and talk to the director because we didn't get a chance to meet with her. Like, oh, call back. She'll be expecting your call. Two days later this morning I called back, ring, ring. Oh, hi. Oh, you say, hello.

[Bald Bryan]

Hello. Oh, hi.

[Allison Rosen]

This is Brian Bishop. My wife and I toured your facility.

[Bald Bryan]

How you doing?

[Allison Rosen]

A couple days. Oh, good.

[Bald Bryan]

I remember you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's always in the middle of the explanation, like, my wife and I toured your facility two days ago. But I never quite get it out because they're like, oh, hey. So I like awkwardly trail off.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Every time I talk to Larry, it's a long time of me thinking I called the wrong Israeli dude somewhere about something. And then at a certain point, you think it's not him because he's not responding in any way that would represent, hey, give me a call. I want to talk to you about cabinets.

[Allison Rosen]

So either you're left with an uncomfortable silence or way too much explanation for the instant recognition, or do you just.

[Gina Grad]

Lay your emotional cards on the table and are like, larry, did I do something to you?

[Bald Bryan]

It's just. It's simply a cultural thing. It's like the way they talk on the phone. They're older dudes. They're like, sort of stoic. They don't go, hey, bro, how you doing? Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts. Like, they don't do that. But still, you gotta give me. You must give me something like, hello, Adam. Thank you for calling back, you know, or something like something. Even if it's formal and stilted. I need to know some of those.

[Allison Rosen]

Some of his brethren are either way too familiar or way not familiar enough. Like he's the kind of stoic cab. And there's like, hey, my friend, what are these? My friend, My friend. That's right.

[Bald Bryan]

That guy's ripping you off. The guy. That's right. I got a deal for you. All right, we got our barstool guys out there are calling in. We got our CIA guy out there. Want to talk all about how that works. Really excited for that. Excited about that. First, LegalZoom. Five things you need to count on when using LegalZoom for your business. Reliability. More than a million people trust LegalZoom to help you start your business. Incorporate LLCs, nonprofits, DBAs and more. Experience helping business owners for 15 years. Plus helpful support. All based in the US legal advice, not a law firm. A network of independent attorneys available in 48 states. And they know they can answer employment law questions, review contracts and more. No surprises. It's LegalZoom. It's transparent, man. It's 100% satisfaction guaranteed. It's LegalZoom. Dawson. Make the smart choice for your [e-mail] today. And don't forget to enter Adam at checkout to save even more. LegalZoom.com all right, let's see a couple of questions up there. First day video. You guys can go to AdamCarolla.com and watch it. It'll be about 25 seconds. As we told you, all the cameras on my car fell off or didn't work or both from Max Pata. But the NBC, the guys who covered the race did camera up the car, shot the back part. I just want to show you a very interesting 20 seconds of a guy named Max Pappas, professional. He's a professional IndyCar driver. Very eccentric guy with a crazy personality. But just to show you what these guys do, you can hit it. Just turning down a shoreline. That's the back of my car. And you're going down shoreline. And that's Max Pampas. And he's drafting me, so I'm cutting the wind and he isn't. But let's watch what Max Pappas does to me at 100 miles an hour. Oh, a little tap. Now you're wide open in fourth and going into fifth when he decides to shoot you. A little. A little love tap. And the deal is this. You can stop it. I'm looking in my rear view. And I can see his name on the car. And I go, this guy knows what he's doing. But I'm not worried about it. He's a professional. But it is funny. And it's the only time you get to do that, because if you're in your own car, you wouldn't do that. And if you're driving someone's car you cared about, you wouldn't do it either.

[Allison Rosen]

So thanks a lot.

[Gina Grad]

That camera angle from the back provides its own special kind of terror angle.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I was just looking in my rear view the whole time going, boy, he's getting close. Boy, he's getting even closer than he needs to get. And then I was like, oh, he's tapping me. And he's just. What he's doing. He wants me to miss the next turn. He wants me to stare at him and then look back down and go, I've missed my braking zone.

[Allison Rosen]

Hit the wall in a fiery ball of death.

[Bald Bryan]

That's what Max Baptist is looking. Wait for him. Yeah, it's. It'll be [e-mail] it's a funny little. Funny little piece. David Portnoy is el presidente. Yeah. It's the barstool breakdown powered by Corolla drinks dot com. It's the bar still breakdown. David, how you doing? That's the first intro we've ever had. Very impressive. Thank you. Are you calling from New York or Boston? Chicago, Philly. Where are you calling from? I'm calling from New York, unfortunately. How is it? Starting to get warm over there or how's it going? It's not bad. It's been like 50 60s, so not bad. So do you have. Let's say we have five topics to break down. Yeah, if you want to go through five, you can go through one. You can go through as many as you want, but we'll start with the big. I think this is kind of the biggest story of the week. Beyonce, she did Lemonade. She released that thing on HBO on Saturday. Social media basically went berserk with all sorts of reaction. Some people saying she's now, you know, like the fattest chick on the planet. Jay Z got put in a box. There's a new term I'd never heard called becky, which basically means all white girls. I guess you're like a basic bitch. So lots of back and forth on. On who got the upper hand with that, whether Jay Z was embarrassed. So a lot of different takes. Well, I guess everyone just assumes now that since. Since the Kardashians, no news is bad. News. It's all just publicity. Everyone's talking about it. And thus he's got his app or his record whatever, his music app or whatever it is, and he's got. And she's got. And now we're talking about it. And also in terms of rapping, it's a weird thing, but isn't everyone rapping about everything all the time? Like putting a cap in your ass and banging everybody and doing everything. I mean, it's not. There's been some caps placed in some asses, but the amount of threatening to put caps in asses versus actual caps placed in asses, it's disproportionate.

[Gina Grad]

Critical mass ass.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. By the way, one of Mike August greatest retarded theories is that it's really saying something. Yeah. Oh, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

But it is quite a bold claim.

[Bald Bryan]

It is. That Suge Knight ordered the hit on Tupac. I had to announce to Mike that he was in the same BMW 7 series that was riddled with brilliant that was randomly machine pistoled while he was driving the vehicle. And Mike said, I don't know that that rules out. Mike said, yeah, Mike stayed with it. Mike said still. And I said, I understand Mark Wahlberg on the top of the book Depository or something. One single shot to the head, but just sprayed with bullets. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Indiscriminately.

[Bald Bryan]

One guy's coming in wet at 1 147. You're coming in at 315. Chances are you're going to get hit with more bullets than the other guy. I'm just saying, in the annals of calling hits, you sitting 11 inches away from the person that's getting the hit is probably not been done before. It's risky.

[Allison Rosen]

What better way to have plausible deniability?

[Bald Bryan]

Very good, Very good point. Very. I don't want to put anything past him. In fact, of all the movies that I'd want to see after I saw the last movie about Ice Cube and all those guys, I actually want a Shook Knight movie. I need like a full blown six hour Shook Knight movie to see everything that he's done, all the people he's killed, the people who shot him like. I agree. I'd love to see a movie on that. This will be Adrien Brody's greatest moment as a thespian, his greatest transformation, his greatest moment as a thespian. I guarantee there's going to be Oscar buzz after Adrian Bro pulls this off.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. There have to be.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. So I don't know why she named the album Lemonade. Does that Mean anything?

[Gina Grad]

No, I do.

[Bald Bryan]

Supposedly, she's making lemonade. So she got cheated on by Jay Z, and now she's making lemonade out of lemon. Okay. Also, I thought the whole idea when you married a rap mogul is he cheats on you. But we now understand that there are these relationships. Again, look no further than the Clintons to find a relationship where there's been some infidelity but some checks hammered as well. And it just sort of makes sense that these relationships, at a certain point, become a business more than an actual relationship.

[Allison Rosen]

Partnership.

[Bald Bryan]

The Clintons are a business partnership. Right. And, you know, Jay Z and Beyonce are. They're married, but there's a business partnership there, too. So I bet if you asked him or her, would you rather have, you know, record sales of the website and. Or the album and whatever it is, downloads, whatever, versus a little controversy swirling around whether what we know is true or not true? I think everyone's all in at this point. Right?

[Gina Grad]

But her branding, specifically by herself, is like a female empowered bad bitch. So I don't know that she. Her branding might take a hit if she's cool with stuff like that and doesn't call him out.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, well, either way, I'm done caring. Yeah. What's next? I can tell you this. I can tell you that I saw a picture, Beyonce's dad, and he looked a lot like Cleveland from the Family Guy. Or Family Guy. My main thing with being the bad bitch is like, he's repeatedly cheated, so you think she'd leave us? She was that bad. Like Ellen Wood found out Target was cheating fast. His face and with a golf club and left and look, never looked back. That's how you do it. But she's a blonde chick, and they run on. She's a foreigner. That's what I'm saying. They run a little hotter than we do over there. Also, you don't have to. Honestly, my parents needed to get a divorce because they were miserable human beings, and they lived in 911 square feet. They lived in a miniature little shit box, and they had to live on top of each other. And there was one bathroom. There was one bathroom, and there's one bedroom now. Dad could sleep on the sofa. The sofa was something we took off a curb that someone else thought to throw out, kick the Raccoon family out. And then my mom put a sheet over it as a cover, he could sleep on that. But if he had a place in the Hamptons that he could take a helicopter to and kind of 11,000 square feet where he could go find himself. And she had another place, a penthouse, tri level in the city, and she could go over there and find herself, you know, or he was about to embark on a world tour where he was going to, you know, South Central America and Europe and beyond. I don't know that they would have needed to actually put their foot down and moved out of the house. Like, why? Well, not to shit on your point.

[Gina Grad]

But this would require getting up, you know, off the couch, leaving the house.

[Bald Bryan]

So let's not get crazy, all right? I got a little Cleveland in the dad. The, the, the. They don't have the people. Or Bill and Hillary don't need. He's got an office in Harlem. She's on. She's out stumping. You know what I mean? When they do come back. Look, I, I'm telling you, I used to live with my girlfriend in a. No, in a, In a single. Like, it wasn't even a one bedroom, just a flat, like a bachelor flat or whatever it is. In the basement of a building was a one bedroom, a bathroom, and sort of half a kitchen. You guys, it is. You are on top of each other all the time and you get annoyed with each other very quickly. At some point, you move into a place where you come home and you don't even know if your spouse is home. And you don't care.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't care.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the beauty of it. Important part, you just go walk in your den, turn on your tv, and whatever's going on upstairs is going on upstairs.

[Allison Rosen]

And between that person and God.

[Bald Bryan]

That's right. But it takes a lot of the pressure off you two living. It's no different than a roommate. The guy lives in the guest house, he's out in the back or whatever. Versus, hey, who ate my corn flakes? And who left the milk out? Yeah, that's pain.

[Allison Rosen]

The cliche of I need time to miss you is kind of a real thing. Like if you have square footage and you can be on one end of the house or God damn. If you're Jay Z and Beyonce, one could be up in the air permanently in the private jet. Would never be the same earth they could just be orbiting all the time.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So I think it's pretty easy to pull off. And then you mix in the. Yeah, you can have a lady or two when you're going out on your tour.

[Allison Rosen]

Hell yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

No, it's never gonna end.

[Gina Grad]

You're talking about Beyonce, right?

[Bald Bryan]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Obviously.

[Bald Bryan]

What's next? So what's next? We get the Saudi prince is worth about seven gazillion dollars. And that may be conservative. He went clubbing in New York at a place called Avenue and he strolled and he looked like he is going to the otp. I mean, the sloppiest dresser you'll ever see. I will give him credit. He pulled up And I think 15 pimped out Mercedes six figure cars. And there was nobody in the Mercedes except the drivers. So he just kind of had an entourage. Wearing sandals, he looked like he was worth 10 cents. But what do you got on this move by the Saudi prince? I'm done with the Saudi family. Like I don't care.

[Allison Rosen]

The New York Post headline is shabby chic.

[Bald Bryan]

Iron chic. Spelled like the real chic would spell it. I don't care about them. I wish these guys would go away. I really do. First off, I want them to uncover the, whatever, 28 pages that have been pulled out of the 911 report to figure out what's going on with those people. On the other hand, it's so weird because on one hand you're a kajillionaire, so people are sort of forced to respect you. On the other hand, nobody has any respect for you. They have lower, less respect than you than a guy who does pipe fitting and makes $52,000 a year. Because it all just seems to be money that you pulled from the ground. And you didn't even pull it from the ground. Like I have these guys as five steps removed even from the part where the guy had to set up the first place, stake your claim or whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you guys ever have a thought where it's like years from now, 100 years from now, whatever it is, we'll look back. Kids will look back on this time in history and the history books is like, oh, this very small population wielded incredible power because the world ran off oil. It's like Rockefeller, you know, the, the railroad guys or the textile mill guys. Oh, no, those are captains of industry.

[Bald Bryan]

I had a very interesting conversation with Mike August at 13 coins while he was eating someone else's food off a neighboring table. He'd been up, no, no fishing pole. He just went full orangutan arm and just reached over the top and just started grabbing handfuls of whatever was on the other table. I heard a child crying and he just started working in his mouth like a tentacle, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Like a prehensile tail.

[Gina Grad]

It has a mind of its own.

[Bald Bryan]

Just screwing over the top. Start grabbing on the Food while he was talking. But here's the deal. And everyone listen up. Because I always worry. I mean, not worry. I have these sort of sociological thoughts about how one thing affects another thing. And I've talked to you guys about this, the sort of hot chick syndrome, at least hot chick in the US We've made rules that if you grow up hot in the US that you really don't have to activate other parts of your brain work ethic, you know, organic chemistry, things like that. Not anything you need to really work about. Sense of humor, whatever attitude.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you for bucking that trend.

[Bald Bryan]

I can tell for acknowledging. I can tell when people are hot. I used to tell on Loveline all the time because I could hear him wax on about stupid. And then they'd say like, hold on and put me and Drew on hold. I'm like, we're doing a national radio show. And I could hear them talking to their sorority mate Kim. And I just went, oh, you're hot, aren't you? Because this is what happens. We foster this attitude and it's kind of a double edged sword. Because on the other hand, on one hand for your daughter, you hope that she's attractive just because it's a better life. On the other hand, don't sit back and coast on that. You will not develop the other muscles in your brain and in your tissue that need you to solve problems, overcome adversity, work hard, outwork the other person. Something. You'll be out every Saturday night. And I don't blame you. If I was spent high school, you know, when I was in the 10th grade for a bunch of good looking senior chicks with cars, wanted to just go out every weeknight, I'd be out with them too. Instead of practicing football or doing whatever I got to get whatever work ethic I got. But the conversation we were having is what a piece of crap Russia was and what the hell's wrong with these people and just how much sort of global damage they've caused through just whatever they've done, just whatever they did, you know, sort of with Cuba, with the Berlin Wall. And it just keeps going and going and going. Nuclear proliferation. Everyone likes to say we're bad people, but we had to just, we forced, we had to dig holes, literally, missile silos and throw billions of dollars in it because Russia's insane.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we're keeping up with the Joneskis, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Perfect. And you know, he said to me, you know, Russia's always had a ton of natural resources. They always have a ton of oil. And whenever someone Has a ton of something they never develop. And I thought, oh, yeah, Middle East, Saudi Arabia, you've got underneath your feet, you have an atm.

[Allison Rosen]

We're good.

[Bald Bryan]

It just keeps shooting money out so you don't. Now, who doesn't have natural resources? Well, Japan. Japan doesn't have a bunch of natural resources. So what's Japan? Innovate, invent, outwork, out, hustle. They're out everybody, all the time. I mean, look, I'm not a historian, and I don't know all about natural resources, but. But Japan doesn't have a whole lot of stuff they're sitting on that we need. They have stuff to manufacture.

[Allison Rosen]

They're a small country, like, physically.

[Bald Bryan]

They physically don't have the oil. I mean, that's what started World War II. We were gonna cut them off. Somebody was gonna cut them off or we were gonna cut them off or make a blockade, and they were gonna be starved out. So Russia, Saudi Arabia, it retards the entire nation. Now you have generations and generations of generations who just do. Complete happenstance, lived in a time when the internal combustion engine was invented where we could suck all this stuff out of the thing. And you could have Mercedes and Maybach entourages pulling up with no, just literally nothing. There's golden toilets and golden palaces and everything, but not because you've innovated, not because you've earned it, not because you've worked on it.

[Allison Rosen]

The roulette wheel of life.

[Bald Bryan]

So what's gonna happen to Saudi Arabia and. And maybe even Russia, but Saudi, when we get off of suckling off the teat of oil, they're gonna be like the hot blonde who just turned 47. Zero life skills. No one wants to bang her anymore. And now wanting to bang her is basically needing the oil. We stop wanting to bang you, we stop needing the oil. And now you have zero life skills.

[Allison Rosen]

True.

[Bald Bryan]

Because you're not gonna fall back on your law degree. You don't have a law degree. You're gonna implode with depression. Yes. You guys are gonna go back to selling dates, both of you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. Well put.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a hell of a button right there.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. Thank you, David. I'm all talked out, but you know what I'm saying? You get the feeling like the reason no one has developed is because they don't have to, but they're gonna have to. And for those who say, all right, well, you're making an argument now for wind and solar. Yes, I am. But I'm also saying, let's go frack away. Let's go get the stuff from the shale in Canada and let's go start nuclear facilities and do it all on our own.

[Allison Rosen]

Either way, taking the long view, oil will not be as important to the world in 100, 150 years, whatever it.

[Gina Grad]

Is, oil won't exist. I mean, there's not infinite.

[Bald Bryan]

Barstool sports.com David, thank you. Thank you. I'll talk to you later. Thank you very much. Yeah, my plan is let's frack, which is not dangerous. What everyone says it is, but it's not, it's fine. Let's get some fracking going. Let's produce our own stuff and as we do it, let's get our solar and let's get our wind and let's get our whatever, all geothermal. Let's get all that going. Let's use this in, you know, let's develop all the Priuses and all the, and all that. I just want. All I want is a fleet. All I want is a fleet of Teslas and a bunch of nuclear facilities to power them. And then we're, we're done with the Saudis. And then you won't even be a story if you go out and you're goddamn Dockers.

[Allison Rosen]

Shabby Chicago.

[Bald Bryan]

Pretty good texture. Love these guys. All the magazines you want, super convenient. Place all in your phone, in your laptop, in your tablet. Do not drag around these magazines everywhere. Easy to find articles and Motor Trend Road and track whatever you like, whatever. And by the way, Texture Team recommends content every day, but whatever you like. Hundreds of magazines and again, past articles and everything else. All the stuff you want. And if you travel a lot, texture, you need it. Magazines are expensive and more importantly, super heavy bulky.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're going to the pool, the weather's heating up, you know, sit by the pool. Maybe this month or next month. You don't have to get a stack of magazines. You want to have every magazine at your fingertips, on your phone or whatever.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm convinced. It's why they put those 20 minute massage places right next to the Hudson newsstand at the airport. Stack. You're dragging the stack out of the Hudson. You throw out your lumbar and you need the Asian broad to rub you down.

[Allison Rosen]

Sir, I see you have the September issue of Cosmo.

[Bald Bryan]

This GQ Christmas issue, it's killing me. Stupid clues weigh so much.

[Allison Rosen]

We can take care of that.

[Bald Bryan]

Yep, you can get immediate access to all the top magazines, including back issues, bonus content, video, everything else. Try free right now@ texture.com. adam, that's textyour.com Adam. Let's see, questions up there. When you hear this, I will have done the Last love line with Dr. Drew.

[Allison Rosen]

How was it?

[Bald Bryan]

It was excellent. I was really on my game.

[Allison Rosen]

Poignant, yet also entertaining.

[Gina Grad]

Helped a lot of people.

[Bald Bryan]

I didn't lose a step. Was funny. It's like old times, which. It is funny. And you can listen to me and Dr. Drew here five days a week now, starting tomorrow, we're going to help people. So I called in Kevin and Bean this morning, and I said, and the reason it's funny is because it's funny, but also because of how seriously they took me. I called up and I said, you know, 33 years, Dr. Drew doing the show. You, of course, doing the show for over a decade, but 33 years on the air coming to an end tonight. I'm like, yeah, well, I'm just. I said, I'm sorry the way it had to end. I just. For me, I feel like it should continue. I disagree with the decisions of the station managers. And, you know, as far as pulling the plug on Drew, you go on one racially based tirade from the stage of the Laugh Factory, you know, you get a DUI and there's allegations of domestic abuse allegations.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing proven yet.

[Bald Bryan]

Nothing proven. And they pull the plug. And Kevin and Bean were like, what? And I was like, again, allegations of domestic disputes. Nothing has been tried yet. And just based on. First off, who hasn't been a little bit drunk coming home from a Christmas party? Who. I was there at the Laugh Factory with Drew. Most of that stuff taken from that cell phone was way out of context. Way out of context. But yet you pull a plug on a guy, you have 33 years in with history, and everyone took me seriously, and we were like, whoa. And you could hear him, like, googling what happened at the Laugh Factory.

[Gina Grad]

They've met you, right? A couple times, I think so.

[Bald Bryan]

It was early, and I think I bled into it. So sl. Just. Just. It makes me sad the way it has to end, you know, for Drew, not for me. I've been away from. This is his legacy. This is his legacy. And he'd like to continue, but it's just sad the way they pulled the plug.

[Allison Rosen]

There's never been a better time for this drop.

[Bald Bryan]

What I do now. All right, let's jump on to Cameron, 28, Chicago. Cameron. Hey, guys. How's it going today? Good, man. So, Adam, I'll. I was watching Donald Trump's victory speech the other night, and I was watching it. I thought it would be A bit odd that Chris Christie was standing closer, by the way. Trump gives a victory speech after he takes a dump. Like, call the press conference. He just has a victory speech loaded for every occasion he gets up out of bed, there's a shorter victory speech, steps out of the shower, finishes his scrambled eggs. There's a victory speech at every turn with Trump, but go ahead. Yeah, so I was noticing Melania Trump standing off to the side there, and it reminded me of the point you made a little while ago, how people might be underestimating her intelligence because English isn't her first language, she fluently speaks four other languages, and how that skill is being poorly undervalued, not only in regards to her overall intelligence, but as a broader statement. Listen to me. Look, I. There's certain sort of markers, like, you know, he plays cello in the philharmonica or something. I go, that guy's got to be smart or whatever. That girl's got to be smart. When you start getting into multiple languages, that's one of my gotta be smart markers. No way could I do this line.

[Allison Rosen]

For how smart you are.

[Bald Bryan]

When they do like I do, four fluently and Hungarian, I can get by. You know, it's like, all right, you're smart, you're smart. You have to be. All right, but go ahead. All right, so to get to my point, my wife and I had a baby boy two months ago, and I'll be speaking to him in English, and she'll be speaking to him in Polish. So he will grow up knowing two languages instead of one. So my question to you is if you could guide or pick a language for Sonny and Natalia to learn as a second language, what would it be? I'm curious to know what Gina and Bald would choose if they could pick one. Well, I wrote down my guess for.

[Gina Grad]

You, Adam, so I'm assuming, right, well.

[Bald Bryan]

If they're gonna live in Southern California, it's gotta be Spanish, because leaving my house with the cabinet installers and all the beehive of activity, Rob from Boston followed me out to the car and he said, I'm the only white guy here. And I said, now you are. Cause I'm leaving. And it's literally, you're trying to build something, you're trying to do something. There's a barrier. So you know Socal? Definitely Spanish. Now, wait, is the wife Polish? Yep, 100%. Hey, does she cook every night. What does she make you? I love kraut based things. Kraut. Some red beef and cabbage, some meat rolled in plums with a Nice sauce over the top. The mother in law is in town helping us take care of the kids. Yeah, so she's cooking too. Oh, it feels so good. So they're both just kind of double teaming the skillet.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, a couple of pierogies.

[Bald Bryan]

Just don't move, don't move. Don't, don't. Don't even look at me. So she'll do like the kielbasa with the crowd with the potatoes all over. She do those. But you know when the potatoes. You know when the potatoes just start wicking up all the meat juice and there's all the onions in there too, and it just starts sucking it up over there and sopping it up. She does the pierogies. Does she do the pierogies? Meat. Meat and cheese. Plum. Mmm. All right. Yeah. So sweet. I'll tell you, the Polish stuff, wildly underrated in the, in the culinary department.

[Allison Rosen]

Underrepresented for sure.

[Bald Bryan]

We hit some Polish food in Chicago, didn't we? Again, I am, I'm confused as I travel through this land of ours, especially this land known as la, in terms of your average folk Indian versus Polish. Like, I feel like first off, most folks I know, Indian is a tougher pot. It's more exotic, it looks different, it smells different. It's got like curry and lamb and stuff like that. And it's just a weirder overall experience for folks that don't might want to experiment versus sausage and potato and that kind of stuff folks from the Midwest grew up with.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a tougher sell the Indian food for maybe the average person.

[Bald Bryan]

There's a lot. Everyone from LA is not from la. Many people like Gina came from Kansas and her brother and from the Midwest and Chicago and places where you grew up. In Chicago, you did grow up with sausage and meat and potatoes and sauerkraut and stuff of that nature. Does LA have to have 1 billion to half ratio in the restaurant department when it comes to Indian and or Thai food versus like a Hungarian or Polish. And listen, ass wipes, don't give me the. Hey, what do you mean? There's a good German place that's just way on the other side of Venice. Yeah, that's one place way on the other side of Venice. But I'm. Yeah, that's not open Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, Sundays or Tuesdays or Thursdays. But it's over here. And you have to eat standing up. There's no seating. Like, okay, I get it, there's a place. But why are there 200,000 Indian joints and then People go, indian food's good. Yeah, Indian food's good. I like Indian. I like Indian too. How about a nice just 10 to 1 ratio, not a billion to one.

[Allison Rosen]

My guess is that Polish immigrants have been here for a few generations and have thus assimilated into corporate life. Whereas the Indian immigrants are more first and second generation. And they're doing what? They knock it off Polish people.

[Bald Bryan]

Or knock it on and Indians knock it off. I want some. There's a Hungarian food only place my grandpa used to like to eat. Laszlo's, named after him. Laszlo's Horabagi. Oh, we loved Laszlo's Hoardabagi and we used to eat there all the time after bring Danishek there and go to Laszlo's Hordebaggie. What's horabagi?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like off brow, but a little fancier.

[Bald Bryan]

Unhelpful. I can't remember if it's. Is it kind of food? I think it means like cucina. No, I remember looking that up once. Gary will look it up. It meant like open area or field or land or hills or something. That's what I thought it meant. Or I remember looking it up once. But either way, that place, the only Hungarian joint in the entire San Fernando Valley shut down and on came an Indian joint. And there's several under other Indian joints down Ventura Boulevard right next to it. Okay, I'm angry. I'm angry.

[Allison Rosen]

Any of it's good though.

[Bald Bryan]

Dude, I'm jealous and I'm angry. Cameron. Sorry to hear that. Adam. Yeah, if it cheers you up next time you guys in Chicago, I can bring you some nice Polish food. Yeah, well, we don't need you in Chicago. We see, we don't need you there. We get our own go to smack Talk on the north side. We need you out here. But anyway, I'll go with Mexican. Adam? Yes. I just looked up Hordebaggie.

[Gina Grad]

The first thing that comes up is urban dictionary. I don't know that this was the original interpretation, but now it means big pimpin. And I'll give you an example. Fe chisel they be all horta bodgy and gravy.

[Bald Bryan]

Not. I'm sayin'listen, this, this urban dictionary, which I'm highly decorated in, it's a little too urban. We're getting, we're starting to spin out of control right now. Understand when you come up with the genius of spong shui or bahaiman, that deserves a spot in the urban dictionary that has its place on the side of a mug. But now when you're Getting into Hordebogy.

[Allison Rosen]

It'S a little too user friendly. User submitted. Like it'll come across like, oh, the word David means a totally awesome dude. Including some guy named David, you know, put it in there.

[Gina Grad]

Well, now I'm getting the vibe that it's a savory pancake filled with meat.

[Bald Bryan]

Really? That's the other definition. All right, well, keep looking until I'm right. That's the way I like to work in life. Jacob, 28 hey, what's up, man? Missouri, man. Yeah. I missed you guys in St. Louis not too long ago. Yeah, that was A good. In LA when you were in St. Louis. It was a good show, it was a good crowd, it was a good time. Pageant's a nice theater. Mm, I like it. What's up? So my question was, like I said, I. I travel back and forth a lot for work, but when I'm in Missouri, I'm a dj, so I DJ Weddings and proms and things like that. And my question was, and it might just be in the Midwest, people like a grand march at a prom, you know, where they enter, they're all dressed up and the parents are there taking pictures. What's your thoughts on like a 17 year old girl going to prom with her child and everybody just giving her a standing ovation. Like we're supposed to celebrate the 17 year old girl walking through prom with her kid, who's walking, so he's at least three. So she had a baby at 14 and we're clapping. Well, you know me, I'm a huge fan of shaming. So unless it ends up in a carry like pig blood dump at the end, I'm not enthused about it. There's a new trend which is, and I think there's a little difference.

[Allison Rosen]

The crown, the queen and the harlot.

[Bald Bryan]

I think the. Yeah, I think there is a difference. And this is where we're going off the deep end with my good friends over at HuffPo and all the heroes out there. I think there's a difference between accepting and celebrating. Accepting is a society we want to live in.

[Allison Rosen]

They've bled to become very similar.

[Bald Bryan]

You do your thing, I'll do my thing. I'm not gonna impede on what you're doing and you're not gonna judge on what I'm doing. And that'll be our copacetic existence in our society. But this part where you want me to stand next to you and applaud what you're doing now, we're crossing into some weird zone and it's not a good thing. And a lot of that is going down the wrong road in terms of society. You want any tolerant society, but we don't need the fact that you're identifying as Caitlyn Jenner, who was identifying as Bruce Jenner, and you're identifying as both of them. And we now need your own bathroom. I don't need to stand. You don't need a standing O for that. You need some sort of therapy and. Or tolerance. But you don't need applause. Right, that's where I'm at.

[Allison Rosen]

Gina, maybe you can shed some light on this, like the show. I'm not familiar too much with the shows like 16 and Pregnant and Teen mom and those shows, but were they originally supposed to be not. Not shaming but sort of show it, shining a light on this whole thing and then these girls have become celebrities.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the Dr. Drew question. He was heavily involved.

[Allison Rosen]

He was 99% of what he does is good for the world.

[Bald Bryan]

But I think it was like a.

[Gina Grad]

Docu style show for kids. But yeah, please do. They're definitely celebrities.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, look, so the deal is that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Kind of what you're talking.

[Bald Bryan]

Whether it's getting pregnant in high school or butchering the English language or many. Or being in prison, whatever it is, if that is something that's not looked down upon as a society, then we're going off the rails. That's it. We must look down upon these things. So look, the feeling is, should she be able to get pregnant? Of course. Should she be able to have a child? Of course. Should she be able to then return. Return to school and attend and graduate and go on to do other things? Yes, but let it be known that we do not recommend this behavior. It's basically the white man's version of this is just pot. You know, they've turned pot into some sort of cultural phenomenon that we're all supposed to get behind. No, stoners, we're not supposed to get behind it. It's you being baked all day and being slightly less good at whatever it is you're trying to do all day and being checked out. That's what it is. It's not a lifestyle. We're not applauding it. You're not heroes, you're not trendsetters, you're not pioneers, you're stoners.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like, make it for me. Knock off once in a while, but don't make it a part of your everyday life.

[Gina Grad]

Well, when we were in high school, someone getting pregnant was quite scandalous.

[Bald Bryan]

That's what I'm saying. It's not what we want. It's okay. It's fine. But again, I don't pop out of bed and down a beer. I have two beers. No, I don't down a beer. And if I did, if I were to decide to take Philly Cheesesteak for a walk when I had some summer vacation, God knows when that would be, and I decided to pop myself a nice Endless Ran ipa, and I thought, no, it's warm outside. I'm holding the beer and enjoy it. I'm gonna take for a walk. Guess what? I would probably pour it into a cup or maybe put a bag around it or something like that. Because I would not want my neighbor seeing me just walking down the street at noon with an open bottle of beer. Not the cops, the neighbor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she sends the wrong message.

[Bald Bryan]

Because I just would like them to think that, hey, the guy who lives over at this address might not have a problem with alcohol. That's it.

[Gina Grad]

Doesn't tool around in an open robe all day.

[Bald Bryan]

I would not. I would not drink in the morning. But if there was the chance for me or the happenstance where I was, I would pour it into a paper cup and walk down there and do that move like I was holding a cup of coffee. Two hands, a blow on a little. Take it in like a little sip at a time. Like a U band commercial. Mmm. Best part of waking up. Yeah. So now if we're at the point where I bedazzle my bottle or I put it in a bedazzled chalice and walk down the street with it, we've lost our way. That's what I'm saying, Jacob. I like the shame. I like the shame. I enjoy good shaming. That's me. Hey, I'll tell you who's mad at you. Young Jimmy Kimmel. Young Jimmy Kimmel, he was a dj. He did the parties and the bar mitzvahs and the weddings and stuff. And he said he used to have to grab these milk crates. Oh, yeah, and those milk crates. You know how much cool in the gang way, you're not only carrying cool, but the gang in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Gladys Knight's also bad with the pitch.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, don't get me started on war. There's a thousand guys on that record. And he'd be have to drag this big crates and bust his.

[Alexis Ohanian]

How many?

[Bald Bryan]

All the brothers are there. He'd drag them all out there and have to play. And now you just go up there with your smartphone, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yep. I mean, probably A little more, but.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, my laptop and hard drive weighs. So what's the. What is the set list? I know they said it, but what are the. Oh my God. Can you say. Can you do like a. Can you be a conscientious objector to Billy Idol's Mony Moany?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think that's big at the prom. At the proms, is it?

[Bald Bryan]

They played at the weddings. They play it when they try to get the old folk out onto the dance floor. That song sucks so badly. And it is played at all the weddings when it's at some point not at the top, after people have tilted a few. That's the one they play to kind of get the people out there. Yes, Jacob. Right. That's true. It's kind of. It's kind of hard to get stuck in the middle. You've got the kids asking for all these songs that you can't play because they're riddled with cuss words. And you've got the teacher saying, well, why don't you play this? And so you just played the Cupid Shuffle or. Right. Can you play Only Women Bleed by Alice Cooper just to start off like the father Daughter dance or whatever it is. I mean, I think it would go over. I gotta tell you, I can't remember if I brought this up. I don't think I did, but there was a. I was at Sonny's basketball game and I found myself wandering down the hall of the gymnasium looking for the bathroom. And as I was wandering down the hall, I wandered into the dance recital area or the ballet area with the bar and the mirror on the wall and the whole thing. And there were. Inside, I think was one girl and just two dudes. The dudes were like 12 or 13 and they were practicing ballet. Shrewd move, I always say. Pick that thing with all the chicks with the eating disorders and the low self esteem and the only guys that.

[Allison Rosen]

Are with you are most likely gay.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. The song they were playing was a weird electronic up tempo kiddie music version of I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World. And I thought, yeah, wow, that was a tool tune. What are you trying to do to these boys?

[Allison Rosen]

But it wasn't. It wasn't the original.

[Bald Bryan]

Come on. Yeah, it was a weird electronic up.

[Gina Grad]

How could it be weirder than the original?

[Bald Bryan]

I guess, I guess when you're practicing ballet, lyrics might screw you up or something. But there's really. There's no look. That can't be a tool tune. A tool tune has to be A good song.

[Allison Rosen]

I think your Red Hell's a good song.

[Gina Grad]

A little over produced.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a more hyped up version.

[Bald Bryan]

This is what was emanating from the room. And I was like, wow, lady, you're not gonna. You're not gonna rest until these. These guys are at the Abbey. Thank you. Thank you. Play classic. You can play classical. It is a ballet class. It's not like you're going to offend the kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Dawson's so hurt. Right?

[Bald Bryan]

Take your headphones off, Dawson. Look, I'm not proud of this, Dawson.

[Allison Rosen]

But this is not the worst.

[Bald Bryan]

Unique. Tell me you like this. I can. I will. I will. Okay. All right, hold on. There's a difference between liking it and knowing it's a good show. It's not a good song, but I know. Thank you. I will. You're welcome. De nada. As I was saying to the boys installing the cabinets today, I will. I will let Brian grandfathered in as a tool tune just like I'm too sexy for my. Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure you can touch this.

[Bald Bryan]

I will. I will put in the. In the. There's. There's all tool tunes. Don't have to be sort of Sister Christian kind of. It can be a wide range. All right, this comes on and you're gonna listen to it, is what you're saying. You're gonna let it play. And there's no one in the car, just you. No one you can complain to. Oh, this comes on, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Turn it off.

[Bald Bryan]

When you're alive, I can complain to the dome lights. Austin, you don't understand how my superpowers.

[Allison Rosen]

The dumb light burns itself out. Let's get away.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm sorry. I think you're changing the station. I. I will. But if I. I swear to God, if I hear Little Pink Houses by John Mellencamp, I will switch it back to this. Okay, maybe just for the novelty. All right, let's bring it down. We got a guest to bring in. All right, this is Adam Colishow, 1811.

[Allison Rosen]

With Dave Portnoy from 2016.

[Bald Bryan]

That does it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. See what screaming free all month long like.