David Alan Grier + Andy Kindler (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics
Episode: David Alan Grier + Andy Kindler
Date: July 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode, curated by superfan Giovanni, assembles a collection of lively highlights from the Adam Carolla Show’s archives, featuring comedian Andy Kindler and actor/comedian David Alan Grier (“DAG”). Taped in front of live audiences and in-studio, these segments showcase Adam’s signature irreverence and no-holds-barred philosophy, with running banter between Bald Bryan, Allison Rosen, and a rotating cast of guests. It’s a variety-packed revisit that covers everything from pop culture skewering and physical comedy to industry insights, audience Q&As, and some excellent stories from the road.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

Hilarious Bodily Function Banter

• Kicking Off with Bathroom Talk (02:05–04:43)
  • The episode opens with Andy Kindler musing about the difficulties of stopping urine flow. Allison Rosen gives a female perspective:

    "It's actually pretty easy for me to stop the stream if I need to." (02:54, Allison Rosen)

  • Andy jokes about the aftermath:

    "There's a sort of galaxy of diarrhea." (06:01, Andy Kindler)

  • Brian Bishop adds:

    "Most of the audience is disgusted except for one German guy who's really turned on." (04:29, Andy Kindler)

Andy Kindler Skewers the Comedy Industry

• State of the Industry Reflections (06:53–10:00)
  • Discussion on Kindler’s annual “State of the Industry” and the professional fallout from targeting comics like Dane Cook and institutions like The Man Show.

    “Comparing [Dane Cook] to Hitler, but saying actually Hitler was better because at least Hitler had a point of view.” (07:14, Andy Kindler)

  • On repercussions:

    "No one's ever told me, 'We're not putting you in our movie.' They just don't put you in the movie." (07:49, Darren Smith)

• Kindler and Carolla joke about pissing off Jay Leno and the perils of being a comedic provocateur.

  "He has not only Google alerts, he's got people who have given up shoe leather on the street. Private detectives." (09:55, Unknown Male Guest)

The Trap of Self-Googling

• Social Media Self-Destruction (11:07–11:27)
  • Allison admits,

    "I wish I didn't want to [Google myself], but I do." (11:26, Allison Rosen)

  • Kindler muses about the futility of knowing every negative thing people say:

    "Your wife talks a ton of shit about you…your neighbor, your rabbi. If that’s one dude, that’s a fucking versatile dude." (10:39, Andy Kindler)

Life Choices, Tattoos, and America’s Short-Sightedness

• Societal Metaphors (12:29–17:33)
  • Adam drops an extended riff comparing impulse decisions (like getting tattoos) to broader American cultural issues:

    "Nobody thinks a 47-year-old mother of four looks hot when she's getting the soccer equipment out of the Aerostar and you get a shot of the faded tramp stamp." (16:19, Adam Carolla)

  • On finances and delayed gratification:

    "To be successful, you have to believe in delayed gratification. You have to play the long game." (14:32, Allison Rosen)

Audience Q&A: Gender Swapping and Worst Fear Scenarios

• If You Were a Woman for a Day… (18:47–22:55)
  • The panel goes all out with wild, racy hypotheticals—ranging from mundane chores to outlandish exploits:

    “I'd go get car insurance… you get like 15% off…” (19:30, Andy Kindler)
    “I'd probably rock a scrunchie, which is something I've always secretly wanted to do.” (21:36, Andy Kindler)

• Worst Fear Scenarios (23:54–29:36)
  • Adam responds:

    "Being stuck on a roller coaster upside down in 100 degree weather and having the worst case of the shits you could possibly..." (24:41, Andy Kindler)

  • Conversation touches on absurd fears, blending, and failed field trips.

Vegas Comedy Woes and America's Talent Obsession

• The Perils of Performing in Vegas (29:03–30:32)
  • Kindler laments Vegas audiences:

    "They want to either get back to the craps tables or they want you to do impressions." (29:18, Unknown Male Guest)

• Why Do We Love Talent Shows? (30:23–31:36)
  • Adam unpacks the nostalgia for talent shows:

    “… what we really liked was getting out of class.” (31:03, Adam Carolla)

Classic “Blah, Blah, Blah” Segment: Ridiculous Blog Parsing

• Matching Celebrities with Their Online Rants (62:28–85:40)
  • The panel guesses which celebrity wrote which overwrought blog post, riffing on everything from welfare (Adam: “It’s literally methadone—it just kind of keeps them in that fucking holding pattern of perpetually circling life’s airport,” 65:59) to gun control, makeup tips, and political posturing.
  • Running joke about fame in the modern era:

    "Kim Kardashian has had a longer run living than Jimi Hendrix or Janis Joplin or possibly Jim Morrison." (75:49, Darren Smith)

  • Blowhard celebrities are roasted with standard Carolla-side eye:

    "Russell Simmons is super blowhardy…studying Tantric Kabbalism from his golden throne." (63:43, Darren Smith)

David Alan Grier Joins: Mangria, Yale, Comedy, and Cultural Commentary

• DAG and Adam Go Deep (95:00–159:45)
  • DAG jokes about Adam’s “Mangria” beverage—“Move over grape soda, there's a new sheriff in Blacksville.” (97:39, Darren Smith)
  • Warm reminiscence of their college days, performing, and touring—discussions of DAG's appearances on "In Living Color" (clip: "We played… old barbers, old black barbers… we did a few times. We… James Brown was on there, and we were supposed to cut his hair… But the whole sketch was about us fucking up his hair, right? We couldn't touch his hair…No, no, no, no. Mr. Brown won't do that." (112:43, Adam Carolla))
  • On Tyler Perry:

    “Oprah is what you call an enabler because she is taking this guy as a hack of a writer...It’s racist what they’re doing with him.” (153:30–153:41, Darren Smith)

Social Critique and Social Satire

• Voting Rights, Voter ID Laws & Silverman’s Political Video (144:31–147:55)
  • Panel listens and reacts to Sarah Silverman's PSA on voter suppression, leading to jabs at political hypocrisy and policies.
  • More comic riffs on racial politics and family history:

    "My father told everybody, you can kiss my ass." (150:34, Adam Carolla)

  • "I want to go to an orgy with your father? That's sexual abuse." (151:23, Adam Carolla)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (Timestamps in MM:SS)

• On Negative Feedback

  "Would you want to float around over their table and hear about... your priest, your mechanic, your rabbi. And if that's one dude, that is a fucking versatile dude..."
  — Andy Kindler (10:39)

• On Tattoos as a Societal Metaphor

  "Nobody thinks a 47-year-old mother of four would look hot when she's going into the back of the Aerostar and she's getting the soccer equipment out of the back and you get a shot of the faded tramp stamp with the outline of the beer koozie on there, right?"
  — Adam Carolla (16:19)

• Life Choices

  "To be successful, you have to believe in delayed gratification."
  — Allison Rosen (14:32)

• Industry Insults

  “Comparing [Dane Cook] to Hitler, but saying actually Hitler was better because at least Hitler had a point of view.”
  — Andy Kindler (07:14)

• On Fame Duration

  “Kim Kardashian has had a longer run living than Jimi Hendrix or Janis Joplin or possibly Jim Morrison.”
  — Darren Smith (75:49)

• Comedy & Race

  "Oprah is what you call an enabler because she is taking this guy as a hack of a writer. Tyler Perry’s a horrible writer."
  — Darren Smith (153:30)

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Noteworthy Segments and Timestamps

• 02:05 – Introduction, live show, bathroom/start of the stream jokes
• 06:53 – Andy Kindler's "State of the Industry" and repercussions
• 12:29 – Carolla on tattoos as a metaphor for societal decline
• 18:47 – Hilarious audience Q&A: "If you were a woman for a day…"
• 23:54 – Worst fear scenarios riff
• 30:23 – Rethinking America's obsession with talent shows
• 62:28 – Start of "Blah, Blah, Blah" blog guessing game
• 95:00 – David Alan Grier enters: Mangria, Yale stories, DAG’s industry takes
• 112:43 – “In Living Color” recollections with James Brown
• 144:31 – Sarah Silverman's voting rights video
• 153:30 – Debate: Tyler Perry, Oprah, Black representation in film

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Structuring the Insanity

The episode’s core is unfiltered conversation—built on riffs, punchlines, and the kind of comedic tangents that define classic Carolla. The multiple segments (“Blah, Blah, Blah," audience Q&As, comedic social analysis) are tied together with a throughline of self-effacing humor, pop culture references, and behind-the-scenes anecdotes about life in comedy, the perils of fame, and the shifting American landscape.

• Tone: Fast, sharp, irreverent, occasionally blue, with a tight camaraderie among comedians.
• Language: Candid, uncensored, snapback-laden comedy—veneer of “just hanging with friends,” even as real social critique peeks through.

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Takeaways

• Unfiltered comedic exploration of bodily functions, pop culture, and human foibles.
• Insightful but unserious career and industry commentary: Andy Kindler’s “State of the Industry” skewers, David Alan Grier’s Hollywood experiences, and Adam’s rants on personal responsibility.
• Cultural reflection: from tattoos-as-metaphor to humor on social issues, the show fearlessly dives into American life—both in laughs and in lessons.

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For more Carolla deep cuts and bonus material, subscribe to the Carolla substack or revisit the show’s full archive. Get ready to laugh, groan, and maybe reconsider your next tattoo.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Brian Bishop]

My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast.

[Andy Kindler]

An offer you can feast on.

[Darren Smith]

Sell your car today on Carvana.

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[Darren Smith]

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[Allison Rosen]

When the moments in your life are too important to miss, you can trust

[Andy Kindler]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Andy Kindler]

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ensure life's best moments don't find you stranded.

[Darren Smith]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Darren Smith]

Auto Parts.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. If you'd like to access the complete archive of the Adam Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com Sign up, subscribe and listen ad free. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email [e-mail] now onto the clips. Coming up, first day, we have Adam Carolla Show 906. This one's from 2012. It's a live show from the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club with Andy Kindler, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. I've gone back in and fixed the sound. It was quite rough and now it's very listenable. Hope you guys enjoy this chunk of the episode.

[Darren Smith]

This is Allison Rosen hitting the stage as we speak.

[Allison Rosen]

Started the show while I was in the bathroom.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, I didn't, but, you know, once the music starts, it starts, Oh, I want to talk about that king as a woman for a second. Bald Brian over here and Andy Kinley.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I'm back for the first time, I'm back in the live podcast. I've never done anything live before.

[Andy Kindler]

Harder to stop peeing as a woman midstream or as a dude midstream because I feel like I'm already at a 10. I don't think you can top me.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

In the difficulty department. And you know, all you freaks to do the Kegels aside and you know, guys from the commercials where they drive

[Darren Smith]

around in the vintage Mustangs with the one black guy and the three old white guys.

[Andy Kindler]

Harder to stop the stream for a woman or a man? I feel like it for a man.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's actually pretty easy for me to stop the stream if I need to.

[Darren Smith]

Uh huh. Women shovel abias. Is that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Do you have a go. Do you have a going problem? I can't get that commercial out of my head.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I. I have a stopping problem, not a going problem. I can go anywhere.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Young they don't know about.

[Darren Smith]

Oh. Pretty soon, once you hit a certain

[Unknown Male Guest]

age, it takes you seven or eight hours to pee.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

My friends, I'm talking.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Adam.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Harder to stop midstream or harder to get going once you've stopped.

[Andy Kindler]

No stop.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

But that's hard too though, the getting going. Once you're like, oh, here we go again.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, no, there is that. There is a thing and then there's a. There's a. There's that other thing where you've. You've pissed out all you can piss and then you still stand there and piss some more and then you get back under your covers and you go, really? I have to piss again?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

What.

[Andy Kindler]

Where did that come from?

[Darren Smith]

What's wrong? Is my. Is my penis and bladder mocking me? What's going on here?

[Unknown Male Guest]

That's not all of the internal organs that are mocking you.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Oh really?

[Unknown Male Guest]

From what I could tell from my

[Darren Smith]

gps, kidney and liver and liver.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Your liver is very upset with you.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what you don't have though, is what I've experienced a few times. And I hope there's other ladies out here who have had this happen. If not, it's just me, but I'll be like, oh man, I really have to go. And I'll like really just push it out the pee we're talking about. And then it'll just. This is.

[Andy Kindler]

You guys do a flatter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Dump like flash dance.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But if you're also tired out and you lean back, it just arcs over the toilet. Not arcing like how you do, but like in like a spray. No, I've had even on the floor.

[Andy Kindler]

Number two. Everyone in this audience is disgusted except for one German guy's really turned on.

[Darren Smith]

Really fucking hot about now when for

[Unknown Male Guest]

my upbringing I'm not allowed to talk about these subjects and I get like a pain as if I'm have a shock in my heart from training. Early training. I. The bathroom was bad. I was told.

[Darren Smith]

I can, I can tell you as long as we're on the.

[Andy Kindler]

The. The topic. I will just. I'll just keep the shit barge going for one second. We played Ontario the other night, and my wife and kids are in Chicago because my wife has a huge business. Oh, no, wait.

[Darren Smith]

Bruce Springsteen is in Chicago. That's.

[Andy Kindler]

She's there spending my money.

[Darren Smith]

See, we haven't. We have a deal. I go to Ontario and make the money. She goes to Chicago and gives it

[Andy Kindler]

to Bruce in the form of T shirts and calendars and things like that.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

But why doesn't Bruce just cut out the middleman? Why is he just.

[Andy Kindler]

Bruce, you just come out.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Come me a check.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, just. Just give me the check you make in Ontario and send it right out. And then your wife won't have to

[Darren Smith]

fly out to Chicago.

[Andy Kindler]

But I got home close to midnight. It's been hot lately. No air conditioning going in the house. Open the front door to the smell of something has happened in this house.

[Darren Smith]

Looking at my dog, Molly went into the den where I like to drink my red wine and watch my sports center before I mass go to bed.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Sounds so romantic.

[Andy Kindler]

And there are a couple of examples of what Molly has produced in liquid form, except for came out of the rear end and in two spots. And then sporadic. Most like a sort of a galaxy of diarrhea. Yes. And it had to be cleaned up with a spatula and a paper plate. And it was one of these things where, you know things are bad when you just start chucking things like towels and stuff out.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you're not.

[Andy Kindler]

That thing where you're not going to even bother trying to save the underpants or whatever it is.

[Darren Smith]

Just all out the fucking door and took a hose to it.

[Unknown Male Guest]

This is a pleasant opener. Yeah. Right.

[Darren Smith]

Now that's a nice appetizer.

[Andy Kindler]

All right, let me.

[Darren Smith]

Sorry, Andy, I wanted to ask you this because I saw you in Montreal. Although we were ships and then we

[Unknown Male Guest]

were different on different shows.

[Darren Smith]

I was doing a podcast, I think when you were doing your state of the industry, and you piss everyone in the industry off by doing your state, everybody mad. And I was actually reading a little

[Andy Kindler]

something about it on the way before I came in tonight.

[Darren Smith]

And some just great stuff like, you know, he's bagging on Dane Cook and

[Andy Kindler]

comparing him to Hitler, but saying actually Hitler was better because at least Hitler had a point of view. And this is a reasonable. It is reasonable. And I think that's funny.

[Darren Smith]

But then I thought, wow, how many people have you pissed off? And people ask me all the time,

[Andy Kindler]

you pissing everyone off, talking about me?

[Darren Smith]

What's that done to your career? And I go, I have no idea.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I guess it's like, you know what?

[Unknown Male Guest]

I've never had a movie role.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I've never been in an Adam Sandler movie. Make fun of him a lot.

[Darren Smith]

No.

[Andy Kindler]

Right. Nobody shows up and tells you we're

[Darren Smith]

not going to put you in our movie. They just don't put you in the movie.

[Unknown Male Guest]

So it's hard to gauge. I'm sure it's in the millions of dollars. Well, I wouldn't have made that much, but I'm sure there's a healthy amount of offers that never came my way.

[Darren Smith]

I. I think I even remember.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, I don't remember it, but I

[Darren Smith]

remember Jimmy being pissed off that you made fun of the man show. But I don't. I don't remember what it was.

[Unknown Male Guest]

It was more. Not so much Jimmy. It was the other. Who's the guy who worked with you? The producer guy?

[Darren Smith]

Oh, Daniel.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Oh, he was so mad.

[Darren Smith]

Daniel was pissed.

[Andy Kindler]

Why did you have to do it?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Why are you doing this?

[Andy Kindler]

What you say?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Whatever my jokes about, I think I

[Andy Kindler]

was there and I don't. I don't remember.

[Unknown Male Guest]

He was very steamed about it.

[Andy Kindler]

I figured it's your job to make

[Darren Smith]

fun of shit that's on tv, right?

[Unknown Male Guest]

As Letterman often says after a mean joke, I thought this was a roast.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

So that's what I think.

[Darren Smith]

And then also, you haven't really arrived unless Andy Kindler's made fun of your show on in Montreal.

[Game Show Host]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Tell that to Dan. That was. That was the last bit of unpleasantness I remember.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah, there. So I've had other unpleasant.

[Darren Smith]

Who have you had? Have you had people you know confront you?

[Andy Kindler]

Well, I had.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Well, not really straight on, but I've. I've met Jay Leno in a few uncomfortable situations.

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[Unknown Male Guest]

He knows everything Everybody says about you, right? He, I mean about him.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

He has not only Google alerts, he has people, you know, who have given up shoe leather on the street. Private detectives.

[Andy Kindler]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Find out every single thing. So he's very, he's so thin skinned, you can see through him.

[Allison Rosen]

He knows you're saying this right now.

[Andy Kindler]

He's gonna hear about that. Great.

[Unknown Male Guest]

No, he's, he's written me off now, I think.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, but here's the, here's the thing. Why do you want to know everything that's being said about you? I was just discussing this the other day.

[Darren Smith]

I was doing a, Shooting a documentary

[Andy Kindler]

with somebody and I said, look, whether you're on TV or you do stand up or you perform or not, look, all of you guys here are sitting with people you think of as friends. But if you are not here tonight, the people that are here would be talking shit about you.

[Darren Smith]

Would you want to hear about it?

[Andy Kindler]

Would you want to float around over

[Darren Smith]

there over their tell, over their table and hear about. I mean, you're on tv, I'm on tv, we get to hear it firsthand

[Andy Kindler]

in a more public forum. But believe you me, your wife talks a ton of shit about you, Your brother, your brother in law, your neighbor, your priest, your mechanic, your rabbi. And if that's one dude, that is a fucking versatile dude, I'll tell you that right now. But they all.

[Darren Smith]

Everyone talks shit about everybody.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Would you want to know about it?

[Andy Kindler]

If the answer is no, then why do the Google alert thing for yourself?

[Allison Rosen]

See, I deal with that all the time because I think I don't want to, and then I start Googling myself. Or I mean, I actually have Google alerts sent to my name and. Or I look at message boards and then I feel upset that I did it. Or I look at tweets that, I mean, you know, I'm looking at Twitter all the time, which essentially is like listening to everyone's thoughts.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

About you.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I wish I didn't want to, but I do.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Well, I don't like confrontation is my thing. So my whole thing is I, you know, I'm trying to say these things behind these people's backs. You know what I mean? In a small little convention room at the hotel. You're on stage, I'm saying it directly to them.

[Darren Smith]

I know, but there's a. Oh, I

[Andy Kindler]

forgot about that part.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah, but I don't want to meet them later and have talk to them about it.

[Andy Kindler]

I know. So goddamn sad. I'll. I'll tell you Something else I had. I had a small revelation today at the.

[Darren Smith]

At the barber shop. As you know, I get the $10

[Andy Kindler]

haircuts at Model Cuts. And by the way, I've been in there 28 times. I've not seen a model yet in that place, so we may have to

[Darren Smith]

change your name, but the $10 haircut

[Andy Kindler]

over at Model Cuts in Studio City on Ventura Boulevard. And I was getting the haircut, and I was standing next to the guy who I'm most fascinated with. He's the guy who does the $10 haircuts. He was working on another cheap son of a bitch. And he's one of those guys that, Even though he's 53 years old, sort of picked a motif for life.

[Darren Smith]

You know, and tattoos and bandana and the biker and the skull rings, and

[Andy Kindler]

just kind of every day is Halloween, but it's always the same costume.

[Allison Rosen]

His life has a theme, right?

[Darren Smith]

He has a themed life.

[Andy Kindler]

Like, really, like, if they did something, it's. It work.

[Darren Smith]

And they said, today is douchebag biker day, and you had to show up.

[Andy Kindler]

And then every single day, every day, and I'm looking at his tattoo, and his tattoo gets bigger and bigger every time because I go in there every six weeks and gets a little something

[Darren Smith]

added on to the tattoo. And then I had this thought, and

[Andy Kindler]

you guys tell me if you think this spells eminent doom for this country. Like.

[Darren Smith]

Like.

[Andy Kindler]

Like I think, or it just is.

[Darren Smith]

Meaning meaningless and a trend that we'll all forget about.

[Andy Kindler]

If you really separate the people that are successful in life and the cultures that are successful in life, it's really about sort of looking down the road like, everybody, where's my buddy Ray? My buddy Ray's here tonight, right? All right, Ray.

[Darren Smith]

All right.

[Andy Kindler]

You were in high school. You never thought for a fucking second what's down the road, did you?

[Darren Smith]

You just thought, fuck it, let's go smoke cigarettes.

[Andy Kindler]

Let's go jump off a reservoir. Let's cut class.

[Darren Smith]

Let's do whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

There was no our feces, right?

[Andy Kindler]

There was no SATs. There was no filling out. There was no. It's like this. It's like smoking is fine when you're 22. You can smoke and fence at the Olympic level at 22.

[Darren Smith]

It's just when you're 62, that's when it catches up to you.

[Andy Kindler]

And not studying is fine all the way through high school, but it does catch up to you later on when you don't get to go to law school and you don't go to college and so you end up working construction with me and Ray and all the things in life.

[Allison Rosen]

So you brought up Ray just to mock him?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Darren Smith]

I'm wearing a shirt with a squirrel on it.

[Andy Kindler]

Everything else, everything is about sort of not today. If you live for today, that's great. But you're probably going to have a shitty saving.

[Allison Rosen]

For retirement to be successful, you have to believe in delayed gratification.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to play the long game

[Andy Kindler]

and you have to go, Listen, I make $33,000 a year. I want to buy this $61,000 convertible. I'm going to do it. If you do it, that means you're not going to be successful. But if you go, I'm going to squirrel money away and live within my means and have money put aside so that one day when I retire, I'll have a nice nest egg to live off of. All that. And then you will be successful. And I'm guessing Tony Robbins.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You say with Tony Robbins, I want that car. I will have that vehicle. Is it the vehicle we're talking about?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're supposed to think about it.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Positive thinking. You shouldn't have to work for things you should say to yourself when you're 19. I am a stand up comedian. I'm a stand up comedian. And then boom.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how the universe works. You just attract it to you by wanting it.

[Darren Smith]

That's right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You win America's Got Talent. That's the only way to get ahead these days. Our contest shows, if you walk around

[Allison Rosen]

saying, I want pussy, I will have pussy. We girls hear that.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I think, I think I'm screaming

[Unknown Male Guest]

that inside every minute.

[Andy Kindler]

So I think the Japanese do a pretty good job of that. Like as a culture, lots of focus on education and down the road and

[Darren Smith]

saving money and all that kind of stuff.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You're not an Asian expert of some type, are you? No.

[Darren Smith]

All right.

[Andy Kindler]

But here's a very sad realization I had as I was looking at the guy with the ever growing tattoo on his arm. Every chick who's 22 thinks a tramp stamp would look pretty hot and while her boyfriend is bouncing his beer on it while doing her from behind. But nobody, Nobody thinks a 47 year old mother of four would look hot when she's going into the back of the Aerostar and she's getting the soccer equipment out of the back and you get a shot of the faded tramp stamp with the outline of the beer koozie on there, right?

[Unknown Male Guest]

No, speak for yourself.

[Andy Kindler]

No, you and the one German guy

[Darren Smith]

thinks I think that's hot.

[Andy Kindler]

All right, so the fact me and the German, every fucking human being is now getting a Tattoo in their 20s and not looking at what that's going to look like. You know, grandpa with the super skinny arms and the barbed wire going around the bicep. This means we're doomed. This means we're diving in and spending our money on bullshit now. And we're saying, fuck the future. You see what I'm saying? You guys understand that this is a metaphor for where this country is going? That the fact that we don't give a fuck what happens after the age of 45 and that the same people that are getting tattoos are also just buying motorcycles they can't afford and not putting anything away for college or a

[Darren Smith]

rainy day or anything else. I think it's a horrible trend.

[Unknown Male Guest]

How about Iran getting a nuclear weapon? Doesn't that bother you to talk about doom? I'm trying to say there's something like, like right in our face that could be doomed, let alone these subtle things that you're seeing, Right? But they didn't buy it at all. Adam, what did I say?

[Andy Kindler]

Who has a tattoo? Who here has a tattoo of Iran? Oh, yeah. You don't have that. You don't have to raise your arm.

[Darren Smith]

Your arm looks like a subway car. All right, that was good.

[Andy Kindler]

All right. Shall we? Shall we? Yes. Ball. Bryan? Yeah? I got some questions. We have people in the audience who have asked questions. I've not reviewed these. Why? Because that would be work.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, this guy's. This guy's arm could give that guy's arm a run.

[Darren Smith]

Wow.

[Andy Kindler]

We should see whose tattoos stop. Does your stop at the balls or does it keep going?

[Adam Carolla]

Stops.

[Darren Smith]

Okay.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

All right, first question's from Kimberly Turner.

[Darren Smith]

Where are you, Kimberly?

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Andy Kindler]

Tramp stamp.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

We know, we know, we know. Kimberly is good looking because she spells her name with an I at the end.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I like that.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

All right, Kimberly, what's your question?

[Allison Rosen]

My question is, if you were a woman for the day, what would be the first thing that you would do?

[Andy Kindler]

I would. I would. I would find Andy Kindler and I'd

[Darren Smith]

be like, somebody looks like he needs a blowjob. And I'd go, are you fucking kidding me, you dwarf? Get out of here before I barf on your cock. And that'd be the first thing I do. Just for fun.

[Andy Kindler]

Just for fun.

[Darren Smith]

Just for fun.

[Andy Kindler]

I take a lot of pics, you know, I take. I. I'd probably have sex with a lot of random dudes and film it

[Allison Rosen]

because that's what you secretly want to do.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I didn't think it'd be funny to just get high in mushrooms and then watch it later.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah, this is the woman that's been screaming to get out of you all these years.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, wait.

[Andy Kindler]

I know what I do. I'd go down and get auto insurance. I. Because I have a lot of cars and you guys get like 15% off your auto insurance.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Andy Kindler]

Evidently, you're better drivers than we are. Although, yeah, I do watch a fair amount of nascar and I don't see many, many chicks in the top 10 on the leaderboard there. But you're.

[Brian Bishop]

Ouch.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, you're better driver. Let's not call you better drivers. Slower, more boring drivers.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no, no, that's not true.

[Unknown Male Guest]

How many Jewish. How many Jewish NASCAR drivers are down there?

[Darren Smith]

Oh, that's.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's true.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Not a lot of Jewish guys. Middle name Buddy, right?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah, Green. And Thal is.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I don't even know the.

[Darren Smith]

He's running in the lead lap. And the Volvo wagon sponsored by Manischevitz.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Shouldn't I fill up? I think I'm low.

[Andy Kindler]

I smell gas.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I should pull over.

[Andy Kindler]

I literally. I turned on the speed channel the other night at like 2 in the morning, just drunk and just like, channel surfing. I was watching the F1, the Formula One race from, like, Bahrain, and they just pulled in and one of the Formula One cars pulled in for a four tire change.

[Darren Smith]

They changed all four tires on this F1 car.

[Andy Kindler]

It took 2.8 seconds for all four tires to be changed. And the announcer said, that's a little slow. I thought, wow, because if I was at Firestone, I would be fucking well under three seconds for four fucking tires change. And the guy goes, that's a little off the pace. A little bit off the pace. And explain that another guy did it a full second faster.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Andy Kindler]

Four fucking tires in under two seconds.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Takes me three weeks to figure out which tire has a nail on it.

[Darren Smith]

That's right.

[Andy Kindler]

So I'm sorry. Yeah. Turn down Andy Kindler for sex. Film myself having sex. Oh, yeah. And then go get car insurance. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Because once you could also take advantage of Ladies Night ladies free.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I'D go drink for free, get some free drinks. I'd probably. I'd probably rock a scrunchie, which is something I've always secretly wanted to do. I just never really had the guts.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Wouldn't you have a good cry at one point?

[Andy Kindler]

I'd have a good cry just because.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

And with my luck, I'd probably be right in the middle of my period.

[Darren Smith]

That's the kind of bad luck I have. You know what I mean?

[Andy Kindler]

I'd be a woman for one day and just bleed like a stuck pig the entire day. Cramps, grabbing my side.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Andy Kindler]

Crying about Princess dying when Candle in the Wind came on the radio. You know what I mean? Just a mess. Screaming at my man. I hate you. You don't understand me. You don't listen.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't have to fix it. Just be there for me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Eating Haagen Dazs with a paddle out of a huge drum. Yeah, that would be.

[Unknown Male Guest]

That.

[Andy Kindler]

That'd be quite.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it'd be a great day.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

This is quite a day you've carved out for yourself.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

In the auto insurance.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. Well, auto insurance, you know, that's the pragmatic side of me. It says, you know, get that auto insurance. And by the way, good luck taking it back when I become a dude the next day. That's going to be. That guy's going to have a tough pitch to his manager, right? Oh, he was just a chick. I checked his junk myself.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Breast reduction.

[Andy Kindler]

Breast reduction would be nice.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

All the good gynecological exams. All the good. All the good stuff. But again, I'd really.

[Allison Rosen]

You put pap smear on your list?

[Andy Kindler]

I wouldn't. I would. I would load my vagina with those spring snakes that they put in the toffee can and go get a pap smear.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Pap smear is on my bucket list,

[Andy Kindler]

if that means anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I want to put rainbow scarves in there. Oh, yeah, that for the next one.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

That requires a certain degree of participation that I'm not sure these guys are going to involve themselves in, but they might.

[Darren Smith]

What's a rainbow scarf clown and the magician keeps pulling out? Or a super gay Kleenex. It's one or the other. It's a Kleenex with aids.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, on second thought, I won't.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, sorry. Oh, we have another question.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Next question's from Joey Yershi. Is that you're hearing, Where's Joe? Oh, Joey Yershi.

[Andy Kindler]

Joey's raising him. Go ahead, Joey. Oh, boy. Mike's got to get that mic.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

There's a hypothetical question.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay, hypothetically, what if you were.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Dude.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay, what if. What would be your worst fear scenario? Like, for instance, mine would be. I like when. I like when people. I like when people volunteer their own questions on this thing. You look confused. You ever swim with sharks? Well, I can't. You know, when I was in South Africa. All right, go ahead, just tell me. I want to tell you a story about swimming with sharks, in which case I'll be all ears. You don't have to ask me if I've ever been eye to eye with a great white. But your worst fear scenario. Your worst scenario? Yes. Oh, you want mine? Yes, I would. I would.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Okay.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Don't make him beg.

[Andy Kindler]

Being stuck on an. On a roller coaster upside down in 100 degree weather and having the worst case of the shit you could possibly. Oh, yeah, this is like a major one. That's, like, stuck for hours.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

The news involved. This is my demo running down your back. It's been seven minutes since we talked about diarrhea.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Isn't that everyone else's fear? Not yours, necessarily.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, that's a. That's the other people on the. Everybody on the roller coaster. It's underneath the husky guy who's got the shits who's inverted above him, though.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

That's everybody's fear.

[Allison Rosen]

Because upside down in 100 degree weather on a roller coaster wouldn't be bad enough.

[Andy Kindler]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You'd have to shit up your neck.

[Andy Kindler]

Right, right. All right. Anything else you'd like to share in the. In the form of a question. That's about it. Would you like to ask me my mom's maiden name and then quickly volunteer your mother's maiden name or.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Oh, that would be good, though, because that would be good for, like, credit card or identity theft.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yes.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Maiden name.

[Andy Kindler]

All right. Thank you. Do we have another one?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what's yours?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

What's yours?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, worst case scenario. Well, first off, I don't know that that's the proper use of the word scenario, because it's almost a fear, but maybe just the worst thing that could ever happen. I mean, getting your dick caught in a blender, I guess, but you'd have. Yeah, be weird.

[Allison Rosen]

You should. That's why you should wear pants when you're making a smoothie.

[Andy Kindler]

I will tell you this. I don't know if you guys have experienced this, but I have a restaurant

[Darren Smith]

quality blender that's at this level. Yeah, I bought it.

[Andy Kindler]

It's not that it's at that level. It's more that it's asking for it.

[Darren Smith]

You know what I mean?

[Andy Kindler]

Maybe it was all the rum I dumped into it from making the pina coladas that loosened it up, you know,

[Unknown Male Guest]

but you could not possibly get an angry email about this. But I was insulted by your blender.

[Andy Kindler]

Let me. Let me ask this. The restaurant quality one doesn't have, like, the 12 speeds on it, you know, it just has the two speeds.

[Darren Smith]

It has low and it has high.

[Andy Kindler]

The low means whatever protein drink you're trying to whip up will end up on your chest. And then the high means it'll end up on the ceiling of the bedroom above the kitchen. It'll actually blast through the plaster that's on the ceiling and make it through the floor. So if low is as low as it goes and that still ends with you getting shit all over the front of your shirt, why is that the low? Shouldn't that just be the medium? Shouldn't be a setting you.

[Darren Smith]

Do I have to throw a damp rag on top of it and then

[Andy Kindler]

fucking lean on it before I started up? What is that?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Are you sure you didn't buy this blender at a restaurant as instead of it being restaurant grade?

[Darren Smith]

Oh, no, I went to the restaurant supply place.

[Andy Kindler]

You should. This is real, by the way. I recommend going to the restaurant supply place every once in a while. I don't know why it makes you feel important.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never been to one. What other kind of can you get? Like, what else can you get?

[Andy Kindler]

I could talk butcher blocks for an hour if you like.

[Allison Rosen]

No, thanks.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

You get every.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You get like, different types of, like, cornmeal I got for Thanksgiving once. You bought a corn meal for the wife. The wife wanted to do some kind of crazy dressing of some type. This is a great story. It's all my one man show. Thanksgiving with me.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they have chairs and tables and all that kind of stuff? Everything.

[Andy Kindler]

They got napkin dispensers, the ones with the spring loaded back in them.

[Allison Rosen]

I like those.

[Andy Kindler]

They got all.

[Allison Rosen]

Every time I use one of those, I feel like I'm that person who's taking far too many napkins. Because.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, because it spits out too many.

[Allison Rosen]

No, because I take too many.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, okay. Well then.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Well, then you are. Exactly.

[Darren Smith]

Yes. You are that person.

[Andy Kindler]

I can't remember what the question was. What was the question? Do we have a question? Worst case scenario.

[Allison Rosen]

Caught in your blender.

[Andy Kindler]

Caught in the blender or being caught with my dick caught in the blender? Actually that is actually worse. That's actually worse.

[Darren Smith]

Somebody walking in on you.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah, that'd be the worst.

[Darren Smith]

That'd be much worse.

[Unknown Male Guest]

If that's what it took to make you feel bad about that act, then I think you have some serious issues.

[Allison Rosen]

Andy, what's your worst fear scenario?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Let me see. It's usually about getting booked into a mainstream comedy club and bombing, which has happened many times, or performing comedy in Vegas. That's a terrible.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, Vegas.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

What's wrong with Vegas?

[Unknown Male Guest]

I don't know. They don't. They don't seem to be. They want to either get back to the craps tables or they want you to do impressions. One of the two.

[Darren Smith]

Do you do impressions?

[Unknown Male Guest]

No, and no. But you know.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it's.

[Unknown Male Guest]

People aren't good. Don't go to Vegas for the entertainment unless it's, like, to see, you know, juggling type stuff.

[Darren Smith]

Right? Juggling and birds and things.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

That's why I don't get the America's Got Talent thing. It's like, shouldn't we just be watching Cirque du Soleil or something?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Instead, I don't know.

[Darren Smith]

There's too many talent shows on television. I can't keep track.

[Unknown Male Guest]

The Voice. You think you can dance? Who told you you could dance? Why are you dancing? Stop it already with the moving around, Right. Who told you you were a person?

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Who said you could come down to an audition?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

It's getting.

[Andy Kindler]

It's getting. It's getting crowded for me.

[Unknown Male Guest]

All right. That's why our new show will be better.

[Andy Kindler]

Let me tell you something about the best. They're forgetting the best part of a talent show and the people. The reason we all think we like talent shows, when we don't really like

[Darren Smith]

shows, but it's burned into all of

[Andy Kindler]

us because from somewhere around the fourth or fifth grade, all the way through senior year of high school, the talent show would take place. Like, for us. Be like fourth period, and you'd go down, there'd be a talent show.

[Darren Smith]

So it'd be this thing in the auditorium, and you.

[Andy Kindler]

Instead of sitting around and reading about the Civil War, we just watched some guy play Dust in the Wind on the acoustic guitar, and he sucked. But anything's better than sitting in that

[Darren Smith]

class and reading about the Civil War.

[Andy Kindler]

So there's this thing that's in all of us that we all love talent shows, but really secretly, we don't like talent shows. It just means getting out of class.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a field trip. Like, nowadays, in any of Our corporate. Well, if anyone has a corporate job and you have to take a field trip, it totally sucks, probably. Whereas field trips when we were young were fun because we got to get out of school and ride a bus.

[Unknown Male Guest]

But what school did you go to?

[Darren Smith]

Where?

[Unknown Male Guest]

The town would you go to? The Fame High School. What was that show we had? The talent shows. We didn't have any kind of talent shows.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, we had talent shows. New York town shows, wherever Ray is at Walter Reed.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you participate?

[Andy Kindler]

Did you. No.

[Allison Rosen]

Ride a unicycle? No.

[Andy Kindler]

No, I didn't have any chance. I still don't have any talent. I'm a blender. But they, they nix that quick. They were like, they tried to clean it up.

[Unknown Male Guest]

They said, look, put some other part of your body in there.

[Andy Kindler]

See if that works. We went, I, I went on two field. Oh, no, wait a minute.

[Darren Smith]

Sorry.

[Andy Kindler]

Three field trips in my, in my scholastic career. First was the Laurie's seasoning plant in Eagle Rock. Because, you know, God knows when you're 11, there's nothing better than mini packets of taco seasoning.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, you want to season ground meat. I mean, it's all, you know, I have six year old twins. That's all they talk about is seasoning ground meat.

[Andy Kindler]

Going to a seasoning plant in Eagle Rock over off of like San Fernando. I don't think it's there anymore. And yes, we did walk away with mini packets of taco seasoning.

[Darren Smith]

That was one.

[Andy Kindler]

The other was McDonald's, which is not really much of a field trip considering they're on every corner and open 17 hours a day. And there's a good chance you may have eaten breakfast at one that day. I don't know what is so unique?

[Allison Rosen]

That was the whole field trip, going to McDonald's.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, you'd go to McDonald's and then you got to hobnob with some of the losers behind the counter. And by the way, really opened my eyes like, hey, what's. Back here we have something called a grill.

[Brian Bishop]

Holy shit.

[Andy Kindler]

Blow me over with a feather.

[Allison Rosen]

I had fucking a blender started.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, I ended up working at a McDonald's about six years later. So maybe, you know, it wasn't exactly scared straight. That's what they should do.

[Darren Smith]

They should have huge black guys with

[Andy Kindler]

spatulas wearing like plastic bibs going, give

[Brian Bishop]

me your fucking shoes.

[Andy Kindler]

And stop everyone from ever working at McDonald's. You know what I mean? Like, just taking their hand and burning it on the grill, you know, and just. Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Why do the scary straight guys Want your shoes? They always want your shoes.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

They always scream at them, getting their shoes. Why do they want their shoes?

[Andy Kindler]

I don't know. But I gotta tell you, if my son gets into any trouble as a young lad with the law and he gets recruited for one of these scared

[Darren Smith]

straight things before he leaves the house, I'm going to give an extra set of shoes.

[Andy Kindler]

And when the guy yells, give me your shoes, just whip them right out.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

A pair of pumps.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

These are not the shoes I meant.

[Andy Kindler]

Do you guys ever get burned by this? And maybe this is just me, but you know, when you buy shoes, they.

[Darren Smith]

If you wear out the shoes you're buying, they put your old shoes in the cool box.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Right?

[Darren Smith]

And then for some reason, you never take the old shitty shoes out of that box.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I do.

[Andy Kindler]

And then you go home, and then you put them up in the shelf and then start. At some point, four years later, you look up and you go, what are these?

[Brian Bishop]

What do we have here?

[Andy Kindler]

Did the shoe fairy. What is in this?

[Brian Bishop]

But.

[Andy Kindler]

And then you open the brand new

[Darren Smith]

shoe box and there's your shitty Keds from four years ago.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You sound like a hoarder. Are you a hoarder?

[Darren Smith]

No, no.

[Andy Kindler]

But I don't know what to do.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Who has room at home for a big shelf with the. With the boxes?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, the, the. The other, the other. So I went to the lorry seasoning plant. I went to McDonald's. 0 for 2. And you ready for my 0 for 3. Alvera Street. Oh, a little slice of the Mexican culture right here in Los Angeles. Right here they have something called a taco over there.

[Darren Smith]

Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Andy Kindler]

And folks over there, they're tan and they wear things called ponchos or ponchos or something. It's great to be exposed to the Latino culture.

[Brian Bishop]

Right there.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, was that in Spanish class or just in.

[Andy Kindler]

I think I was in high school. It was either in Spanish class or ceramics class because I swear to God, I was a ceramics major. We went to Alvara street to look at like pottery or something. But do. By the way, do we need an Alvara street in the middle of LA anymore? Or is an entire Los Angeles Alvara Street? Isn't that the whole point? They have handicapped donkey parking at Alvara Street. Really? Do we really need. Now Vera street, is my question.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Does the donkey need to be handicapped or the person?

[Andy Kindler]

It's nice if they're both handicapped.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, we have a question.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Ray Ramirez, From Long Beach, California.

[Andy Kindler]

Sorry about the Alvera street thing.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Well, under question,

[Unknown Male Guest]

you didn't think that was going to come back to bite you?

[Andy Kindler]

And by the way, not just not that fast. By the way, the Mexicans, not obviously, obviously not all riding donkeys. Some have stepped up to mopeds. I understand that that was just a

[Unknown Male Guest]

little add on at the end. You got excited.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, that's.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Well, under, under question, Ray simply wrote, let's smoke weed.

[Allison Rosen]

Ah, maybe he wrote let's smoke weed.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

So let's, let's go to Dan Hamilton.

[Andy Kindler]

Where are you Dan from?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Florida. All the way from Florida. Where's Dan Hamilton?

[Andy Kindler]

What? By the way, he's over there. What is the obsession with high people getting other people high?

[Allison Rosen]

It's the opposite of coke.

[Andy Kindler]

I know. I don't feel I need to do that with the booger sugar or the booze, by the way. I'm fine. More booze for me and more Bolivian marching powder for me. But with weed, everyone needs to be high. Come on, dude, let me get you high.

[Darren Smith]

And it's also kind of weird because that's all, that's what I love to do. I love to hide behind dumpsters with strange dudes I've met at comedy gigs and get really high with them.

[Unknown Male Guest]

That's what you have to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Tradition.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

The best thing is to go somewhere with people from the show that you don't know very well after some farmhouse.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Outside of town. We have more weed over there.

[Darren Smith]

Do you have those shovels? You know what it's like though, when you travel around the country, you gotta get. And you do a show and like,

[Andy Kindler]

if you're mean, you're a car guy, by the way, people just think if you're a car guy, you like anything car.

[Allison Rosen]

I got a Honda.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, like, like my dad, my dad has an 83 Ford Granada. It's totally cherry, it's up on blocks, it's only about 30 miles from here. You want to come by after the show? We can get high and look at his Granada. It's like, no, not all cars. Cool cars. Yes.

[Darren Smith]

All right, sorry.

[Andy Kindler]

I, I, I, I, I used to

[Darren Smith]

be in, I used to be in, in construction and I, and I did

[Andy Kindler]

carpentry and I liked woodworking. And even after I got into radio

[Darren Smith]

when I worked at krock, one of

[Andy Kindler]

the women who worked at KROCK wanted me to come by her house and she's like, you still like working with your hands? You still like doing stuff like that, right?

[Darren Smith]

And I said, yeah, well, you got Something cool.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, My tub's got caulking all around it. It's all up and, you know, I, I, if you want to come out and scrape it out. And it's like, yes, I like woodworking, not scraping fucking mildew tubs at some bitch's apartment. Are you fucking nuts?

[Darren Smith]

All right, sorry. Where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

The guy from Florida has a question.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes, yes.

[Darren Smith]

Florida never disappoints.

[Andy Kindler]

Here we go. I think I've heard you say or

[Unknown Male Guest]

speak of maybe having adhd. I don't know.

[Andy Kindler]

Adhd.

[Allison Rosen]

He has Asperger's.

[Andy Kindler]

Your thoughts on that? And hyper vigilance, according to Dr. Drew and my wife and anyone else she can get on the payroll, she's like, no, my wife's like, some, some, some, you know, some evil corporation. She's like, the tobacco industry in the 80s where they have a bunch of doctors on their payroll. Nicotine's not addicting. There's no data to support that. But she's doing the opposite. She's convincing me, I don't know what's next. Full blown aids. Like, I don't know what she's working. I don't know what the. I don't know what the end game is for her. She's. She's convinced.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the end game?

[Andy Kindler]

Her and Dr. Drew. I just kill myself. Like, her and Dr. Drew have decided, conspired against me, that I have Asperger's and ADHD and hypervigilance. All right?

[Unknown Male Guest]

I think you should say to your wife every day, look, what's your end game?

[Andy Kindler]

What's all I want to know?

[Unknown Male Guest]

What do you have cooked up for me?

[Allison Rosen]

Then you should get Aaron Brockovich to represent you against big Lynette.

[Andy Kindler]

And speaking. Speaking of the end game, my birthday's coming up, so.

[Darren Smith]

Okay, thank you.

[Unknown Male Guest]

What do you want? Are you on anything for the adhd you take.

[Darren Smith]

Sorry.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. Adhd.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You on board with that, or do

[Andy Kindler]

you think you have it? I'm not on board. Listen, I, I've had it up to here with all these people. Look, I was watching.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Unknown Male Guest]

It's a general statement, okay?

[Andy Kindler]

Everybody, I was watching tv. You know, so every story with me starts, never starts with, I was sitting down, reading a book, right? I was watching tv.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You were working on. I was working on my unified field theory, right?

[Andy Kindler]

When Glenn Close came on TV and started talking about adults with, you know, emotional problems. And as it turns out, according to Glenn Close, the crazy woman who killed the rabbit in the movie, one in every six adults has some form of like, you know, mental disorder. And the rest of us are rapists. Or could be some of each. Or could be some crossover. But I mean, it's like if you

[Darren Smith]

do the statistical thing, half the women

[Andy Kindler]

in this room have been raped and one in six of us has a mental disorder and the rest of us are allergic to peanuts and the rest are allergic to legumes and gay. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. This is insane to me. Pardon the pun. Oh, wait, this is Glenn. This is Glenn and her. Yeah, this is her. She's doing a thing where she's talking about everyone's bipolar and everyone's ADHD and Asperger's and, and, and T shirts and everyone has a T shirt and has a mental illness and we face a stigma that can be as painful as the disease itself.

[Allison Rosen]

That's her crazy sister.

[Darren Smith]

That's right.

[Andy Kindler]

Change a mind about mental illness and

[Adam Carolla]

you can change a life.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I just want to say something like, those shirts are not selling right.

[Andy Kindler]

The ones.

[Unknown Male Guest]

That's all I tell you right now. They're not selling well.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, the making bacon ones are crushing

[Andy Kindler]

those over at the Hot Topic. Yeah, no, I'm not buying. And then when you do this spectrum disorder. Oh, well, it's a spec. Well then every look, look. Okay. And in that case, all of us are pre cancerous because eventually.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Not me.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh yeah, you're pro cancerous. You're mid cancerous. But everybody, you know, half the half. Half of us are going to get cancer at some point. So we're all pre cancer. We're all pre car crash. We're all in a refractory period. We're all something that is going to happen or did happen. I'm not buying any of this bullshit.

[Unknown Male Guest]

But you, I don't get something, though. You've got some kind of condition, don't you?

[Brian Bishop]

Fucking. No, I don't.

[Andy Kindler]

Who allows you to speak to me?

[Brian Bishop]

Dr. Drew.

[Andy Kindler]

They're all against me.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Did you do this thing with the watermelon?

[Andy Kindler]

You didn't drink your Purell before you came out here. Did you not read the writer? Point is, the strawberries.

[Darren Smith]

The strawberries.

[Andy Kindler]

Look, I. First off, by the way, if I have ADHD or hyper vigilance or whatever, bring it on. Everybody should fucking have it. I'm a goddamn millionaire genius. So please, I wish every fucking dickhead I was behind two assholes that I was talking to Mike lynch on his cell phone today. I was trying to complain to him about tattoos and I had to complain to him about the fucking assholes that would not turn right when the signal was red but no cars were coming. The first guy is the biggest puss alive. He's the guy who won't even stage. He sits back 20ft from the place where you would turn right. Like he's not even going to put himself in the position to possibly turn right. Even if the police get out and put barricades and a spike strip out for oncoming traffic, he will not be in position. Position to turn right. I had to honk at this just to get him to move forward into the position where he could have the mathematical possibility of turning right. He eventually turned right, so he knows it's legal. Had to honk at him then about Mike. I know it felt like 20 minutes, but it was really about three and a half minutes later I was behind the next who was supposed to turn right. And this guy I just honked at. And then eventually I just laid on the horn unbroken, never stopped honking. And this guy still never fucking turned right. So I wish everyone else would get a little hyper vigilance out there and we get this goddamn society moving.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Oh, if I tried that once, thanks. A Tony Soprano would come out of a car and crush me. That's. I can't. I can't conduct myself like you in the car.

[Darren Smith]

I honk it, everybody, all day, every day, just apologies.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I'm sorry, sir, that you don't know

[Andy Kindler]

that you could turn on.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes. So I wish everyone would wake the fuck up.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Is that what hyper vigilance is? Is that what it is?

[Darren Smith]

You notice everything and it bothers you? Yeah, it's one of those things. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

And the adhd, I don't know about, and then aspers, I don't know. But as soon as you say this is a spectrum thing, this is a. Well, yeah, you go.

[Adam Carolla]

You go.

[Andy Kindler]

Look, every guy in here has some form of a male pattern baldness. Every one of them.

[Darren Smith]

Sorry, Brian, but look, if you have

[Andy Kindler]

a full head of hair, then you have a full head of hair. Yeah, but you didn't have as much as you had 20 years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

You're.

[Andy Kindler]

I don't give a. Bald is bald and not bald is not bald. And fuck you. Quit talking me into being bald. I'm not bald.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I think you proved it. You proved it with that exact.

[Andy Kindler]

It with the bald thing. Right, Exactly. I don't hear my words. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

To go back to the horn thing, have you ever had a car that had one of those horns? It's like

[Unknown Male Guest]

Because I feel like you

[Allison Rosen]

couldn't lay on that one or really do anything with that.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Andy Kindler]

You mean like if I was driving like a smart car through Europe or something?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Has that ever happened to you?

[Andy Kindler]

No, I. I think.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the cars that Jay Leno drives probably have like.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, he has one ridiculous wheeze.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

They're like brass and you have to really go out and squeeze them. But I don't know, Uncle Henry. Ooga horns. Yes. Yes. No, I had that. I'm going to install one of those air powered diesel locomotive horns in my

[Darren Smith]

car just to fucking scare the shit out of everybody.

[Andy Kindler]

But I'm telling you, it's legal to turn right on a red and go the fuck ahead and do it, everybody. What you holding me up for? And don't call me rude. You're ruining my life.

[Darren Smith]

Thank you. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly, because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson?

[Game Show Host]

Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. That's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Darren Smith]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[Darren Smith]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Brian Bishop]

That is so fast.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

All right, this is Adam Cole Show 906. Coming up next, we have Adam Cole Show 919. Also from 2012. This one's featuring Phil Collins from Def Leppard, but he's not in this portion. Just Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop, the opening from the show with some blah, blah, blah. Check it out.

[Darren Smith]

Welcome, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Andy Kindler]

Welcome, Bald Brian, Gertrude, Stinky snatch. We're gonna do a little blah, blah, blah for you.

[Darren Smith]

Probably take some phone calls, do the news, you know, do all that stuff. I actually. I love me some blah, blah, blah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I was just thinking about that today before we learned that we were doing it. I'm like, man, I miss blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's been too long.

[Darren Smith]

Well, it's good because I can never figure out whose blog it is.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I always have an elaborate reasoning behind my reasoning, and then always wrong 100% of the time.

[Allison Rosen]

But I get talked into elaborate reasoning by you, Adam, saying that they always throw you a curveball.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. I don't know, maybe it's just me because I can't spell or type or something, but doesn't it seem super blowhardy to let everyone.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Yes.

[Darren Smith]

Everything about everything all the time. I don't know why. I mean, I do the same.

[Allison Rosen]

By writing it. Yes, I do.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, look, that's what I do for a living. I just talk about it. And I guess if you don't have that outlet, then you write about it, but still, I don't know. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't we all agree that if it was actually well written and cogent, it would be different? The blah, blah blahs are usually pretty blowhardy because it's someone who's just doing what I'm doing right now. Filibustering.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, it's like a diary.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, it is a thing where in the past. And it's kind of interesting.

[Andy Kindler]

Your diary was locked up and it

[Darren Smith]

was kept underneath the tree. If you listen to the band Bread,

[Allison Rosen]

which I think you can say we all do.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. One of the worst places to keep

[Andy Kindler]

a diary, under a tree.

[Darren Smith]

You know what I mean?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Oh, I had another thought. Let me go outside to the tree.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Shovel.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, shit, it rained. How am I gonna get down there?

[Darren Smith]

It's raining and all the pages are stuck together.

[Andy Kindler]

And then you wrote it with that

[Darren Smith]

Sharpie, so it all kind of smeared, so it's a mess.

[Allison Rosen]

Dear. What does that say? Dear Darren?

[Darren Smith]

Well, I don't know, because it looks like a dog shit on it. I can't tell what that is.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

What was I thinking?

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Darren Smith]

Like he found the diary underneath a tree and he started reading about me. That's the song. But I don't know.

[Andy Kindler]

Do you think she just got high and left her diary?

[Darren Smith]

Great story.

[Andy Kindler]

Maybe she went out.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she's finding a hiding place for it.

[Andy Kindler]

Maybe she went out to blow some spleef and then got high and started

[Darren Smith]

working on her diary and then just forgot about it. I always used to say on Loveline, I'd go, because we talk to people all the time. Talk to these kids all the time. And they'd be like, my stepdad found my diary, and he knows I smoke pot now, and he knows that I had sex with my boyfriend. And now my problem is prom's coming up and he doesn't want this guy to take me to the prom and blah, blah, blah. And I said all the time, I said, look, have a bait diary, have a fake diary. Have a fucking diary that said, feel really bad, was a couple minutes late to church. I don't know if that's a sin, but I guess I should have confessed.

[Allison Rosen]

I hope my mom and dad will forgive me. I'm so fortunate to have such parents that are so wonderful and loving.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Andy Kindler]

Right. Love nutritious meals, can't stop studying. Huge fan of the stepdad.

[Allison Rosen]

I had that dream again where I was valedictorian.

[Andy Kindler]

Right. Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, just fill it full of nonsense and bullshit and put it between your mattress and box spring, and eventually the parent will find it and breathe

[Andy Kindler]

a sigh of relief.

[Darren Smith]

And don't write your innermost thoughts, because that's gonna be a disaster.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a reason they're happening inside your head. People.

[Darren Smith]

And people do the. Well, what right does the parent have now? Dr. Drew would tell you. Oh, no, it's your job as a parent to read that.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Well, not your actual gig. What do you do for a living?

[Andy Kindler]

Read diary. Professional diary.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that a salary thing?

[Andy Kindler]

I do doctor work.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

That's right. Diary rated.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, My dad did it. His granddad before him came from the old country.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Come from a long line of doctor's, huh?

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Mm. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, can you get. Can you bust into any diary? Can you pick any lock?

[Andy Kindler]

Well, let's put it this way.

[Allison Rosen]

The bobby pin.

[Darren Smith]

You know how there was no prison that ever could hold Al Capone? There's no diary that can stop my

[Andy Kindler]

eyeballs from prying it open.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

How are you with blogs? You do work on blogs?

[Darren Smith]

It's a different generation.

[Allison Rosen]

Hackers have put the diary readers out of business.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I like to use a hat and. Or safety pin. To work. To work that lock, you should use a stethoscope, ooh yeah, yeah. Work that.

[Andy Kindler]

I always thought it's never. There's never. Is there a combo diary, or is it always just that little miniature?

[Darren Smith]

But the point is, that's a tiny key. Keep the fucking. Keep a bullshit decoy diary out. And then, no, because Drew would say, bonus episode with Dr. Drew, by the way, available this Sunday. Thank you. Dr. Drew would say, oh, no, it's your job. It's your job. Because if your kids on drugs are engaging in some sort of dangerous behavior, then you're gonna want to know about it. It's just a waste of my time. I'm gonna want to know if Sonny is strung out on Ninjago Lego Bits figurines or not.

[Allison Rosen]

It's your job, too.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, it's my job. So he'd say, no, there's no harm in that. But it seems weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Also seems weird to me.

[Darren Smith]

Not only is it intrusive, but it's kind of like, I don't know. It's right up there with walking in on someone when they're on the shitter.

[Andy Kindler]

Like, I don't really want to know what you think, even if it's about me or about doing drugs or whatever it is.

[Darren Smith]

I'm not that interested in that information. I feel like no good could come of this. But either way, the diary was found underneath a tree.

[Andy Kindler]

He started reading, can we find that bread song, Mike?

[Darren Smith]

Gotta find it somewhere. You must have it, right? I mean, you're a guy. You have bread.

[Allison Rosen]

While they find that, can I tell a story that you're walking in on someone shitting made me think of. So now that I am cohabitating, I've realized, okay, Daniel and I are comfortable with each other, but I don't often burp loudly in front of him. It's just a little something I keep for myself.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

But now that we're living together, apparently I cannot not burp loudly when I'm at home.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, I see.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's like the fact that this is my. Is my home is superseding the fact that I'm in front of someone else.

[Darren Smith]

Let me throw this. Let me ask you this quickly before I get to this. Walking with cousin Sal, backstage at the Staples center the other night for the Emmys, I said, smelling someone's burp worse than smelling a fart.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Really?

[Darren Smith]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. It's too intimate.

[Darren Smith]

It's too intimate.

[Andy Kindler]

The answer is yes.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

In the butthole.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, now, that's a good point.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

It's a great point.

[Andy Kindler]

It's an awesome point.

[Darren Smith]

But no, I said to Sal, yes, because of its novelty. Like, everyone's walked into the farted up

[Andy Kindler]

room or, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

But the human body's built to handle the smell of someone else's fart. Smell their burp.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Andy Kindler]

Listen to the psa.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Andy Kindler]

Somebody should have, like, stopped.

[Darren Smith]

Stopped him at this point, went, look, let's just all suck each other off

[Andy Kindler]

and go to lunch.

[Darren Smith]

Let's cut to the chase here. Come on.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

What year is this from?

[Andy Kindler]

Well, what do you mean?

[Darren Smith]

It's timeless.

[Andy Kindler]

You can't tell.

[Darren Smith]

This is a weird version.

[Allison Rosen]

Very taboo, too.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a little.

[Darren Smith]

Little stripped down. It's not as good as taboo too, but I understand what you're saying.

[Andy Kindler]

But I said, look, one emanated from a guy's asshole.

[Darren Smith]

You know what I mean?

[Andy Kindler]

So it's worse breathing in what came from someone's ass. But the novelty of the belch is more intrusive. So we're used to the ass part.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I know what you had for lunch intimately, now that you burped in my face or even in the room.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, it's like people would eat escargot, but they'd never eat horse meat. But really, what's so weird about horse meat versus escargot?

[Andy Kindler]

You know what I mean? We're used to escargot.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

So what you're saying is the fart is worse on its face, but society has built up. We've built up a societal tolerance.

[Andy Kindler]

Are you saying escargot fuck yourself? No. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yes. We built up some layers of protection.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Societal tolerance.

[Andy Kindler]

We're used to ass. I don't know. It's like ethnic cleansing in Darfur or something.

[Darren Smith]

You hear it on the news.

[Andy Kindler]

There's a party that goes, that's awful.

[Darren Smith]

And then there's a party that's like, oh, I could go for some Eggos.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't live in a constant state of being shocked by farts. It'll zap you.

[Darren Smith]

You'll constantly be shocked.

[Allison Rosen]

All your energy will go to that.

[Andy Kindler]

You walk up devastated. But when you smell the belch, for some reason, it's just. It's intrusive. And there's a novel. Why did bread stop?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

To use your old hobo power argument. I've never been induced vomiting from a burp, but from farting, I've smelled some pretty rank names. Gotta protect the innocent.

[Andy Kindler]

Really?

[Darren Smith]

Because I feel the opposite way. I feel like I've been freaked out I've been freaked. I've been.

[Andy Kindler]

I've had my core shook. Or shaken.

[Darren Smith]

He almost found relationship either way.

[Andy Kindler]

Now what do you think? Do you think he found some acorns in her nightstand? Like you think there's another? Like a B side is I found a pine cone underneath your mattress. Like, there's got to be some others. If you're finding shit under a tree that you shouldn't find.

[Darren Smith]

Is there something in the bedroom?

[Andy Kindler]

You found tree SAP on your pillow. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I found a leaf.

[Andy Kindler]

There's a squirrel in your sock drawer. Ah, the 70s were such a bummer. We just used to try to figure out a way to bum ourselves out.

[Darren Smith]

Like, I'm.

[Andy Kindler]

Like, I'm gonna watch Billy Jack, and then I'm gonna watch that Indian crying,

[Darren Smith]

and I'm gonna play some bread.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Don't be a one downer.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but what is the point of this song besides bad places to put your diary? What did he find that he couldn't read in her eyes?

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Darren Smith]

She wasn't interested in him. I don't know why she left the

[Allison Rosen]

fucking diary, and now he's gonna give her his.

[Andy Kindler]

I. I just think he figured out what rhymes with me. And then he wrote tree.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Maybe he started with B, but then he realized that doesn't make sense.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah. He's probably sitting around going, I found your diary underneath a duvet cover and started reading about shit.

[Darren Smith]

What the fuck rhymes with duvet cover? Hmm. I found your diary underneath the fitted sheet and started reading about fe. Ah, shit. Nah, that's not.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

We're getting closer. We're getting closer. No, no ideas.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Bad story.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

No bad ideas.

[Andy Kindler]

Shit.

[Darren Smith]

What rhyme for thread count?

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Discord.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. I found your diary underneath one of

[Andy Kindler]

those ramps you buy for your small dog in the sky mall.

[Darren Smith]

So get up on the. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

That doesn't speak to the core demo.

[Darren Smith]

That's right. Box ring, mattress set. What rhymes with California king?

[Andy Kindler]

Shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Ding.

[Darren Smith]

Funk Shit. I found your diary under your bed's

[Andy Kindler]

canopy and started reading about. God damn it. That could have worked.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. And the canopy beds were all the

[Brian Bishop]

rage for a while.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I took the fucking lazy tree route. Once again. Once again. The tree cop out route. All right, where were we?

[Andy Kindler]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Darren Smith]

We'll talk about that. All right, Real quick.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Before blah, blah, blah. I have a story I think you guys would appreciate will be the judge of it. I was on a bachelor party this past weekend, and it was one of those ones where, you know, Sometimes you go to the strip club, sometimes the strip club comes to you. They hired a couple girls to come dance in the room. Did the whole bachelor party thing. One of the girls, I've never seen this before. Had a sobriety ankle bracelet.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. On her ankle.

[Darren Smith]

Well, that makes sense.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah, that's right.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Wow.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I said to the guy, I was

[Allison Rosen]

like, so she couldn't take it all off.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I was. I was told this is totally nude.

[Darren Smith]

Wow. Wow.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Quite embarrassing.

[Andy Kindler]

The big black guy that protects and makes the change and fires the boombox.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Adam, it didn't have a boombox. Well, it didn't show up with music. Who here's got music?

[Andy Kindler]

Like, what if you're camping and you hire some strippers and.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

You know, my words exactly.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they strip acapella?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

No, we found music, but she took it in stride and had a good laugh about the ankle bracelet.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know you could put it in stride.

[Darren Smith]

So sobriety. So like Lindsay Lohan.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah, I know this happens to people, but she was nude.

[Andy Kindler]

Wow. That's weird.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah, it was very weird. Had to be relayed on this show.

[Andy Kindler]

You ever done the stripper thing where,

[Darren Smith]

you know, you ask for the hot ones and their ugly sister showed up?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Apparently this happened.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you order hot ones?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

The guy who did the hiring said these were not the girls on the website.

[Andy Kindler]

Yes.

[Darren Smith]

Let's face it, there's X amount of hot chicks on the planet. There's a smaller portion of them who will strip for a living. And then there's the ones they put on the website. And then there's the ones that show up because they cannot manufacture themselves and break off and go 100 different directions at once. So there's the ones that are on the website probably don't work there, but

[Andy Kindler]

if they did, they're at the Sultan of Brunei, they're up at his suite,

[Darren Smith]

and they're not down at your shitty bachelor party. So you get the scary ones.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

There was an interesting dichotomy with these two girls because one girl was the seasoned pro. She had the tats, blonde hair with pink tips, the ankle bracelet. And then her friend was, well, let's say, new to the business. She was broken in.

[Darren Smith]

Can I say this, though?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

She was naive. Spirit to her spirit was being broken. I think I saw it broken this weekend, actually.

[Darren Smith]

Maybe it's just me, but the novelty

[Andy Kindler]

of seeing chicks naked, not maybe it's

[Darren Smith]

the Internet that's ruined it, I think

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

has a lot to do with.

[Andy Kindler]

It used to be a real, like,

[Darren Smith]

hey, this we are Gonna see naked people here. And it'd be like, well, the chicks aren't very good looking.

[Andy Kindler]

I know, but they're naked. Like, they're just so.

[Allison Rosen]

It's more a fart than a burp.

[Darren Smith]

Yes, yes. And now I think the Internet has destroyed that. All right, shall we do a little blah, blah, blah?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah,

[Game Show Host]

it's time for blah, blah, blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their online rant. Let's play. I was the only child of a single working mom. We struggled a lot economically, and there were times when we lived off of food stamps, Social Security, and government assistance. So according to Mitt Romney, I was part of the 47% who are dependent upon government. In the past 20 years, I have paid millions of dollars in income taxes. I have employed hundreds of people who have in turn paid income taxes and in many cases have gone on to start their own businesses. So I think it's safe to say that the government assistance my mother and I received was money well spent. Mitt Romney is a product of wealth and privilege. That does not give him the right to loathe and dismiss the rest of us who are not. Is it Moby, Russell Simmons, or Forest Whitaker

[Darren Smith]

Blowhardy.

[Andy Kindler]

I like when they just throw in loathe.

[Darren Smith]

Like dismiss. I get loathe. I don't buy.

[Andy Kindler]

But

[Darren Smith]

yeah, Russell Simmons is super blowhardy. And he's one of these guys that,

[Game Show Host]

like,

[Darren Smith]

he is, like, studying Tantric Kabbalism, but he's doing it from his golden throne. He has the most garish, obnoxious, incredible, and marries the most obnoxious. It's like he's one of these fucking dicks who. He's 53, but he dates 21 year olds, but he talks to him about spirituality while they're sucking his dick. It drives me fucking nuts.

[Brian Bishop]

You're rich.

[Allison Rosen]

You're both earful and a mouthful.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Show me. Date someone who's age appropriate, and then.

[Darren Smith]

And then we can talk about spiritual.

[Allison Rosen]

I was actually just saying that. I was saying that I know that it's super judgmental, but I. When I see a celebrity who it was. Cause I was watching the Emmys and I was looking at who. How people are coupled up. And it's like when I see someone who clearly has a trophy, something or other, I judge them for that because I feel like you're not looking for something real. Well, with those exceptions, no, but I

[Darren Smith]

mean, you've moved on or you've gotten bought into the system. Whatever. Moby, I feel this has got to be Russell Simmons, because the employed, you

[Andy Kindler]

know, employed tons of people, and he's

[Darren Smith]

one of these guys that's parking the Bentley down the street and then going on foot to the Occupy Wall street

[Andy Kindler]

encampment and that kind of stuff.

[Darren Smith]

So I'm gonna go Russell Simmons on this one.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Russell Simmons as well.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I heard Russell's voice. Plus, there's no way that Forrest is paying that much money in taxes.

[Allison Rosen]

And I don't think he's employed hundreds of people.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Game Show Host]

The blog belongs to Moby.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow.

[Darren Smith]

Wow.

[Game Show Host]

Words can barely describe how tragic, futile, and destructive.

[Darren Smith]

Let me say this. I hate to jump in, but I am a product of the welfare and the food stamps too. I would still be here without welfare and food stamps, and my mom would be here, except for she would have gotten a fucking job. That's the way I feel about it. Instead, she was just depressed. She stayed depressed and she got just her little tithing just to sort of

[Andy Kindler]

keep her where she was.

[Darren Smith]

It's a weird thing. You think it's help, and it is help for some people, but for others, it's literally methadone. It's just a little monetary methadone that

[Andy Kindler]

just kind of keeps them in that

[Darren Smith]

fucking holding pattern of perpetually circling life's airport. And that's my mom. And there's no doubt that minus the welfare and minus the food stamps, we would have survived. Just like everyone figures out a way.

[Andy Kindler]

And historically, basically always had.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, you turn to your friends, you turn to other family members. Good luck with the Corollas.

[Andy Kindler]

I could have reached out to a

[Darren Smith]

young Jon Stewart at the time.

[Andy Kindler]

Either way, the notion of we would have just perished. No, my mom would have gotten a job, and then I would have learned something.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like saltpeter on the penis of ambition.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If saltpeter actually makes your erection go away.

[Darren Smith]

I've seen the license plate frame. Well, I think you have to eat it. I don't know if you apply it digested.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Darren Smith]

Sorry. You know what I mean, where were we? Horrible porn. Name.

[Andy Kindler]

Peter Salt.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, sorry.

[Game Show Host]

Words can barely describe how tragic, futile, and destructive the war on drugs has been for our country and for the nation of Mexico. How many times must we point to the fact that the last time we tried prohibition, it resulted in a massive black market with violent, heavily armed gangs and bloody turf wars? The war on booze corrupted law enforcement

[Darren Smith]

turf as in space, not sod. Right, Exactly. Okay, just want to clarify that the

[Game Show Host]

war on booze corrupted more corrupted law enforcement officials. And wasted an obscene fortune in public funds. We're criminal. Criminalizing our nation and sacrificing our freedoms and privacy. But as soon as we end the war on drugs, we win. Let's do it. Is it Roseanne, Bill maher or Paul McCartney?

[Darren Smith]

Oh, boy. Now, you know Bill Maher's in there, because this is what Bill Maher would say. Paul McCartney is the red herring who. And I've said this how many times? I don't know. Look, once you get to 70, you have to let a little gray creep in around the temples.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

He's auburn.

[Darren Smith]

And I don't know whether it's McCartney or Schwarzenegger. I don't know why orange becomes the

[Andy Kindler]

go to hair color.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, does it cover well or something?

[Darren Smith]

It's a weird thing. It's like, what color was your hair when you were in high school? Oh, it was blonde. All right, orange. What color were you? Mine was brown.

[Andy Kindler]

Orange. And mine was black orange.

[Darren Smith]

Like, orange is the weird old man's hair color. Although nobody's. Here's the first thing we need to talk about.

[Andy Kindler]

Nobody's hair is that color.

[Darren Smith]

Who's in their 30s? So let's pull that shade.

[Andy Kindler]

Let's pull that hue off the table of discussion.

[Darren Smith]

Look, go down to the fucking supermarket. Go get the l' Oreal or the

[Andy Kindler]

Bracter, whatever that is.

[Darren Smith]

Find the five shades they have over there. That's the ones we'll choose from.

[Andy Kindler]

You were not a ginger growing up. And you're not.

[Darren Smith]

I don't know when you turned into

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

one,

[Darren Smith]

but I don't mind the guys. I understand. It's part of the business. I understand. Like, okay, I'm a performer.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm up on stage.

[Darren Smith]

I'm trying to look more youthful. And there's a monetary side to it and all that's good. But when you're literally Paul McCartney is 70 years old, when you won't admit to degree around the temples at 70, like, Ann, you're Paul McCartney.

[Andy Kindler]

You don't think you're going to get laid? Oh, man. I was going to suck off one of the two remaining Beetles.

[Darren Smith]

And the other one's a drummer, by the way. So there's really one and a half living beetles. Sir Paul McCartney. And then I saw a little bit of gray on his temple, and I was like, fuck that.

[Allison Rosen]

If only he had orange hair.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, if only his temples were orange instead of a little bit gray. And who is in his life? And does the carpet match circle? It cannot. Who is in the circle? That doesn't go, let the. You have all the money in the world. Let the little.

[Andy Kindler]

Get that little gray. By the way, chicks think that's sexy.

[Darren Smith]

They like the little gray temple that sort of kind of then comes up into the mop. That's whatever the color is. So anyway, where were we? We're talking about hair. All right. Seems like Bill Maher. Paul McCartney is literally the red herring. It's been tossed in. The orange herring has been tossed into this mix. And Roseanne. All right, I'm gonna say Roseanne because they're trying to piss me off with Paul McCartney.

[Allison Rosen]

I am very confused. I feel like it might be too cogent for Roseanne. I initially thought Bill Maher, but see, listening to you, Adam, is making me think it's not Bill Maher.

[Darren Smith]

Don't listen to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'm gonna go Bill Maher.

[Darren Smith]

Not anything. Go Bill Maher.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Too many American references for Paul McCartney. I'll say Roseanne because she has free time.

[Darren Smith]

Interesting. All right. To Roseanne said to Bill Maher.

[Game Show Host]

The blog belongs to Roseanne.

[Allison Rosen]

God damn it.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Alright, so two and.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, one and one. Here we go.

[Game Show Host]

This week, I wanted to add a little Miami glam to my midweek makeup post. Miami is all about bright colors. Pinks, blues, greens, and oranges. Vibrant colors that really pop. I love a gorgeous smokey eye. Adding a pop of color to a traditional smokey eye will really make you look. Make your look stand out in the crowd.

[Darren Smith]

Pop into that eye. Go ahead.

[Game Show Host]

Is it Real housewife of New Jersey? Teresa. How do you say her last name? You know her?

[Darren Smith]

Yes, Goudisi.

[Game Show Host]

There you go.

[Darren Smith]

Is it her?

[Game Show Host]

Kim Kardashian or Gwen Stefani?

[Darren Smith]

Wow. All very mindless. But Gwen does the makeup stuff, right?

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, she has a sponsorship.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

The Maybelline stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

She has fashion, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Darren Smith]

I've seen her on those, like, you know, Maybelline commercials or whatever it is. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure at some point she's seen herself in feria.

[Darren Smith]

It sounds very. Well, I'm gonna say I know Theresa from being trapped in a van with her. That's one way to know someone you get to know.

[Andy Kindler]

They didn't put it in the show, but one of the greatest.

[Darren Smith]

We were just driving to the costume store and I said, she's talking about how much she loved football and how much her husband loves football. And I said, what's the name of the Nebraska football team? And she had no idea, of course. And then I said, it's the Cornhuskers. And she was like, corn hustler. And I was like, cornhouse. She literally didn't know what a Husker was. She may have been NFL, and yeah, she did. And then every 10 minutes I'd go, what's the name of the Nebraska football team? And she'd go, cornholish.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Corn smugglers.

[Darren Smith]

Corn smugglers. Copsmugglers. Like, she just could not come up with the. And then I, like this one, makes a proclamation. You know when someone's horrible at something

[Andy Kindler]

and then at some point goes, I don't know. College football. And I always just want to go, no shit. By the way, you did not have

[Darren Smith]

to tell that to the other individual in this van. Who knows.

[Andy Kindler]

Acutely aware of your lack of knowledge

[Darren Smith]

vis a vis college football and their teams. Like, I'm the one guy you didn't have to make that proclamation to.

[Andy Kindler]

You could make it into a talking to a PA of a ballroom, that would be fine. But me, I know because you just

[Darren Smith]

said pube smuggler when I was asking about the Nebraska football team.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

You're getting colder.

[Darren Smith]

All right, so now I'm left with Kim Kardashian and there's a Miami thing.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why I think it might be Kim. Unless that's a. I'm going Gwen Stefani, damn it.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Christie watches the Jersey Licious show and they won't shut up about Smokey Eyes. So I'm gonna say Teresa because of the Jersey connection.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I don't know shit about anything.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I just don't think they're as nefarious in there as you guys seem to. But I think you might be right because I think that Kim Kardashian and Miami thing might be to throw us off the track. Do they do that?

[Darren Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Oh, they do.

[Allison Rosen]

I hate that. God damn it.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Mike takes great joy in throwing things off of tracks.

[Allison Rosen]

Fine, then in that case, I'm gonna go. Oh, Theresa.

[Darren Smith]

Alright, so you got Theresa, Teresa, and I got Gwen.

[Game Show Host]

The blog belongs to Kim Kardashian.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, horrible. Don't you feel like people's 15 minutes

[Andy Kindler]

is stretching out into the hour now? Like, remember the whole 15 minutes?

[Darren Smith]

Like, and there'd be a lot of that'll be there. That'll be here and gone. Don't worry. This time we don't even remember their name six months from now.

[Andy Kindler]

I feel like those Kardashians and even

[Darren Smith]

the Paris Hiltons are finally starting to fall off.

[Andy Kindler]

They're sloughing off a little bit, but I mean, these guys are putting together like six, seven year runs.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

It's not going strong.

[Darren Smith]

It's not 15 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

It's maybe it's less that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Then it's just in the future everyone will be famous.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, maybe there's that thing where Warhol

[Darren Smith]

didn't figure out that we're now living till 100.

[Andy Kindler]

He made that when people were ODing when they were 28.

[Darren Smith]

It was a different 15 minutes. That's right.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

No one has more than one right because we all got the first one wrong. We all got that one.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't even have one, by the way. I knew it was Kim Kardashian and I talked myself out of it.

[Darren Smith]

That's huge.

[Andy Kindler]

All right, let me say this.

[Darren Smith]

I just had this very sad, sad thought. Kim Kardashian has had a longer run living than Jimi Hendrix or Janis Joplin or possibly Jim Morrison.

[Andy Kindler]

I mean, like a live run.

[Darren Smith]

Like you don't realize Jim Morrison had

[Andy Kindler]

a live run of three and a half years or something. Jimi Hendrix, you know, three years, two years, three years, whatever. Janis Joplin, three, three, four years. Kurt Cobain.

[Darren Smith]

Kurt Cobain.

[Andy Kindler]

You know, these were live years of

[Darren Smith]

like, these are like four year runs. Even like Mama Cass Elliot and Mamas and the Papas and people like that.

[Andy Kindler]

I mean, these were big time talents, their runs. I mean, not to mention your fucking

[Darren Smith]

Buddy Hollies and your Richie Valens. I mean, the Buddy Holly, you know, three year run, like, I don't know, we could look into it.

[Andy Kindler]

But yeah, you're right. Kurt Cobain and people like this. I mean, she's going on year eight and they got knocked out between year two and year four. Now we know who they are.

[Darren Smith]

So they cemented a legacy.

[Andy Kindler]

And I don't know how much Kim Kardashian, you know, tit cutlets are going

[Darren Smith]

to be selling 20 years from now,

[Allison Rosen]

but still, I like them lightly roasted still.

[Andy Kindler]

That's pretty fucking insane. That Kurt COBAIN was around 93, 91 to 94, basically.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Three year run.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, there you go. That's crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

She's heading into fish territory.

[Darren Smith]

All right? Don't tell her that. She's not going to take it the right way. Stinky snatch.

[Game Show Host]

The choice is clear. Would you vote for a person who pays his taxes or someone who wiggles his way out of them? Do you want a president who has gained the respect of the world community? Or someone who, on a recent diplomatic trip abroad, provoked the ire and ridicule of other world leaders? Do we want a country where everyone is fending for themselves or where everyone is pitching in and working together.

[Darren Smith]

That's the way it's going to happen. It's exactly the way it'll work.

[Game Show Host]

Do we want to go backward with Mitt Romney or move forward with President obama? On Tuesday, November 6th, the American people will have the power to make that choice. Is it Kevin Bacon, Barbra Streisand, or D.L. hughley?

[Darren Smith]

I was watching 60 Minutes the other night, and they did that thing where I think it's Scott Pelley was saying he got Mitt on the airplane. And by the way, if you're trying to do the common man thing, don't do the interview on the corporate jet. Find a Waffle House in DeKalb, Illinois, and sit down there. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Cindy Crawford's from there.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. They invented barbed wire there.

[Andy Kindler]

Find a Waffle House somewhere.

[Darren Smith]

Somewhere in, like, Dade County. Like, sit down and know the waitress name.

[Andy Kindler]

But don't climb aboard the corporate jet.

[Darren Smith]

It doesn't look good.

[Andy Kindler]

But he gave the.

[Darren Smith]

Scott Pelley gave the hard hitting. You made $20 million last year and you only paid in 14%. How fair is that to the guy who made $50,000?

[Andy Kindler]

And I thought, well, that's pretty fair because he paid in $2.8 million, and

[Darren Smith]

the guy who made 50,000 paid in $10,000.

[Andy Kindler]

So it would take him 280 years to get to one year.

[Darren Smith]

And that's capital gains stuff.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

So get cracking.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, he already paid. As Romney pointed out, he already paid taxes on that money. It was already paid.

[Andy Kindler]

He earned that money. He paid taxes on it.

[Darren Smith]

And then we got another 2.8 out of the son of a bitch. And my thing is, how fair is

[Andy Kindler]

it to the guy who made $50,000?

[Darren Smith]

I'm going to turn that question around.

[Andy Kindler]

One guy paid 2.8. The other guy paid 11 grand.

[Darren Smith]

How fair is it to a guy who paid 2.8?

[Andy Kindler]

What do you want them to do?

[Darren Smith]

You want to pay more?

[Andy Kindler]

You want to talk about fair? Stop saying fair. Because fair is. That is not the right word to use.

[Darren Smith]

You can say it doesn't sound very magnanimous or generous or something. Or you can talk about people that have money and people don't have money, but don't say fair. Fair is, here's one citizen.

[Andy Kindler]

Here's another citizen. This citizen bought a bridge and a Predator drone and was able to fill the fuel tanks of five F18 Falcons or Super Hornets and launched them off carrier decks.

[Darren Smith]

You bought some lawn equipment you bought,

[Andy Kindler]

like, a lawn chair and a hose.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

It's a nice lawn chair.

[Darren Smith]

Not even a bag of fertilizer, like, Adirondack style. You did nothing.

[Andy Kindler]

And if you would like to, I would. Here's what I would do as citizens of this union we're living in.

[Darren Smith]

Would you rather have the guy that paid the lesser.

[Andy Kindler]

The $2.8 million but at a lesser percentage, or guy who paid $10,000 but

[Darren Smith]

at a higher percentage?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I'm going to need to think about this.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Which do you want, drones or chairs?

[Andy Kindler]

Do we get to build more schools with $2.8 million or $10,000?

[Darren Smith]

And the guy who's paying the 2.8 and not getting anything is the one who's getting ripped off. So please stop talking about fair. It's not about that. And he didn't wiggle out of paying his taxes.

[Andy Kindler]

Even if he did, I don't give

[Darren Smith]

a fuck if people pay tons and tons in taxes, we should fucking leave them alone and stop making him the enemy.

[Andy Kindler]

I say let's play some games.

[Game Show Host]

D.L.

[Darren Smith]

hughley. Which.

[Andy Kindler]

Which is.

[Darren Smith]

Which Mike August calls D.L. hughley.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Hughley.

[Darren Smith]

Hughley, right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Hughley as well.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I'm gonna be different and say Streisand. Because it seems so out of touch. Seems bizarrely disconnected from reality.

[Game Show Host]

The blog belongs to Barbra Streisand.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, man. He wiggled out of paying his taxes.

[Allison Rosen]

This used to be my game.

[Darren Smith]

Wiggle.

[Andy Kindler]

Brian, you are up.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I have two. I think three.

[Andy Kindler]

No, you have three.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I have two.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Two.

[Darren Smith]

Allison is. No, no. Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Go with the no. 1. The no.

[Brian Bishop]

1.

[Allison Rosen]

What was that?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Adam and I are tied to.

[Darren Smith]

No. You're up one. Brian has two.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam has one.

[Darren Smith]

Right? I was misreading my own. I was doodling where I shouldn't have been doodling.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Dude.

[Darren Smith]

All right, one more. Here we go.

[Game Show Host]

I don't want to take everyone's guns away. I grew up around guns. Hunted and enjoyed every minute of it. But I don't understand why people are digging in their heels over assault weapons. They are allowing mad men to efficiently murder much larger numbers of innocent people that they would be able to do more with. More do that they would be able to do with more conventional guns. I have shot these guns at guns. Jesus Christ. I have shot these kinds of guns at a range. And it is exhilarating. But what it. But what is that exhilaration worth when compared to the possibility that restricted access to assault weapons, higher capacity magazines might have saved just one life? In Aurora. Or two lives.

[Darren Smith]

Well, that's not worth it.

[Game Show Host]

Or three. Okay, now back to the poo poo jokes. Is it Andy Richter, Ricky Gervais, or Patton Oswalt?

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Mmm,

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm.

[Allison Rosen]

Richter says me.

[Darren Smith]

Mm.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I'll let you go first.

[Darren Smith]

Now back to the poo poo jokes. Interesting. You know, Ricky, no assault weapons over there.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Spends a lot of time here.

[Darren Smith]

Mm. I'm going Pat Noswell.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

No, that was what I was gonna go. All right, I'll go with Ricky Gervais.

[Game Show Host]

I guess the blogs belongs to Andy Richter.

[Darren Smith]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

On the board.

[Darren Smith]

All right, so what do we got? Me. 1 Allison 1 Brian 2 All right, championship round. Here it is. One more.

[Game Show Host]

The extreme left of the Democratic Party perhaps has welfare socialist state notions the government is responsible to take care of you. Nonsense. Of course. And perhaps the extreme right of the Republican Party might support church and state. No separation. Both Republicans and Democrats are damaged goods. Both have inherent philosophical problems. Both seem inflexible. I side with no one. I side with my conscience and vote appropriately. Is it Gene Simmons, William Shatner, or Jeff Bridges?

[Darren Smith]

Wow, this is very difficult. This is. I don't know. I'm just gonna say Gene Simmons.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I got no read on this one.

[Darren Smith]

I got no read either.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm saying Jeff Bridges because I think Gene Simmons is right. And I don't think William Shatner would weigh in in this way.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I'll say Shatner.

[Darren Smith]

Here we go.

[Game Show Host]

The blog belongs to Gene Simmons.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Now what?

[Game Show Host]

Well, that was our tiebreaker, so game

[Darren Smith]

over in a tie.

[Allison Rosen]

Congratulations.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, it's like both of you cornhole in your sister. All right, you got an outro.

[Game Show Host]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your ass so we can play another round

[Darren Smith]

of blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't it weird that there's a game called Cornholing that doesn't involve sex?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I know my.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Not if you do it right.

[Darren Smith]

My old assistant Jay would like tell me, oh, we're doing the cornholing down at the beach. I'm like, I'm not into that shit, you know?

[Andy Kindler]

And he's like, ah, it's awesome. And it's like it's up around midnight.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Also, I don't know why I had this thought, but, you know, when politicians. I don't know why it bothers me, but they all wear the tie. They all wear the dress shirt, but

[Andy Kindler]

they do that move where they roll up their sleeves.

[Darren Smith]

But it's still formal, but it's symbolic.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Time to get to work, dude.

[Darren Smith]

Time to get to Work, but doing what? Like you're eating and holding a microphone and, you know, complaining about the other guy. But this symbolism of I'm rolling my sleeves up, like, it's like, was someone

[Andy Kindler]

gonna hand you a flathead shovel? What are you doing? You working on a steam train? But they all do it. They all do the. I gotta roll my sleeves up and get to work.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

What's more annoying to you? That or the, the lapel pin. The flag that's on every. Like, I'm sure they all don't care too much about it, but you have to wear it now. You have to wear flag lapel pin.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, the rolled up sleeves.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I know the lapel pin seems kind of crass. Not crass, but just, you know, contemptuous.

[Darren Smith]

I'm not a fan of the lapel pin. But on the other hand, you know, once somebody starts doing it, then if

[Andy Kindler]

you don't do it, then they're gonna

[Darren Smith]

go, where's his lapel pin? And then they're gonna make something out of it. And I understand whenever you do anything, there's always a bunch of people that stand around you that just go, just do it, Just do it. And you go, but I don't want. And they go, listen, you do it.

[Andy Kindler]

No one's gonna say anything.

[Darren Smith]

You don't do it.

[Andy Kindler]

There's a possible downside to that.

[Darren Smith]

So no upside to you not doing it.

[Andy Kindler]

Plenty of downside to you not doing it. So let's just fucking do it.

[Darren Smith]

And that's how most decisions are made in our society.

[Andy Kindler]

But for some reason, I must, even though I'm wearing a tie that is

[Darren Smith]

cutting the blood off to my brain and I got a clip there.

[Andy Kindler]

This shirt has been tailor made and it's $700 and it's, you know, it

[Darren Smith]

looks like Robert Kraft's on there. Got the two tone collar. But I'm going to roll. I'm doing the symbolic.

[Andy Kindler]

Putting those sleeves up.

[Darren Smith]

Putting America back to work. Oh, right. Where the hell were we? Ah, yeah. Oh, so excited. Graham Parker. I won't even know how to act in front of Graham Parker. Because I've been wanting to meet Graham Parker since somebody corrected the spelling of his name that I put down on a desk in high school when I was in the 10th grade, which I wrote down.

[Andy Kindler]

You know, when you're in high school or junior high, you'd have to write whatever band you like on your tennis shoe or wherever it was.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes you'd write it in whiteout somewhere.

[Darren Smith]

And I was just sitting there with my pencil and I wrote Graham Parker and I think I spelled it G. How does he spell it? I spelled it G, R A H, M Parker.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

It's closer than what I thought.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, no, I had three of his records.

[Darren Smith]

I should have known better.

[Allison Rosen]

He spells it like the Cracker.

[Andy Kindler]

I didn't bring him with me, but

[Darren Smith]

I, you know, and so I wrote

[Andy Kindler]

Graham Parker, like rules on like my high school desk when I was in the 10th grade. And then when I got back to it the next day, whoever then sat in that wrote, you misspelled Graham Douchebag.

[Darren Smith]

And it was so shaming. Who are these people?

[Andy Kindler]

Like, circle my gram and then write

[Darren Smith]

douchebag on

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

See me after class.

[Darren Smith]

It was a weird thing. It was like you don't even know the fucking how to spell the guy, the band you like. But yep.

[Andy Kindler]

And I've been a huge fan of

[Darren Smith]

the man and have never met the man.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

See me was the worst thing to get back on a test or a paper or anything, wasn't it? Wasn't. He was bad enough he got a C minus or a D or an F or See Me.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like, we need to talk.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

We have to have an extended discussion about my failure.

[Darren Smith]

This is why I avoided handing in papers altogether. Indio Performing Arts center in Indio, California. Coming up Thursday, October 25th. So again, Graham Parker coming in Foxwood in Casino, by the way, Connecticut, tonight in Tropicana showroom, Atlantic City tomorrow night. Hope Leno calls and offers me a ride.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he even going to be there?

[Darren Smith]

I don't know. Find out if he's going to be in Atlantic City. The most devastated by the way Mike and Mike have ever been on the road was literally their pilgrimage was going to be do the show in Atlantic City, drive to Philadelphia the following morning, catch like an 8:45 flight Southwest, fly from, you know, Philly to like St. Louis, one hour 90 minute layover.

[Andy Kindler]

And then fly to LAX or corporate jet that night, straight back from Atlantic

[Darren Smith]

City, leave after the show. Like it wasn't. Yeah, we're flying in from Phoenix. This was.

[Andy Kindler]

We got to drive to Philly. We like. It's one of those meet you in

[Darren Smith]

the lobby at 5:45. And we got a layover in St. Louis or Chicago or wherever it was. So this was the biggest bummer of a cross country flight ever. And they said, you think there might be room in Jay's jet for us? And I said, well, I don't want to push it.

[Andy Kindler]

You know, it's already a nice enough gesture that he's asked me, but I'll

[Darren Smith]

go in there and I'll go ask him. I'll go feel it out. They waited like out in the hall like little orphans. Yeah. And I just went kind of jet you got, James? Eh, just got a couple of seats. And I was like, you got a couple extra for my pals? Nah, actually, when it's full. And when I was supposed to. Dale, come on, douche. Come on. You don't want to see this in

[Andy Kindler]

some angry worded diary that you might

[Darren Smith]

find under a tree somewhere at some point. And he's like, we just don't have enough. And I was like, all right. And then I just walked down the hall and Mike and Mike were both standing there. I was like, sorry, fellas, I will be in my bed tonight when you guys are driving to Philly to catch your Southwest flight. Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

You remember what that was? That was like, literally meet in the

[Darren Smith]

lobby at what, 5:45, 6:15. We had to drive back to catch the flight. Yes. And a layover somewhere.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

And you didn't know Southwest flew that far.

[Darren Smith]

Did you think it was possible? But befriend Tony Bennett, he's. He's in Atlantic City. So, you know, make a couple calls. Maybe you can fly without.

[Andy Kindler]

It was really was like it was 3:45 in the morning and we were in a Fiat doing 90 miles an

[Darren Smith]

hour on the 101 while he's driving me home. It was the greatest. I mean, we almost made out at my front door.

[Allison Rosen]

If he'd wanted to, you would have, right?

[Darren Smith]

Yet you still found a way to be disappointed.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

With the plane.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, we had to stop and refuel in, like, Indiana.

[Darren Smith]

I'm like, why don't you?

[Allison Rosen]

What kind of bullshit are they putting you through?

[Darren Smith]

And he wanted chocolate chip cookies, and they didn't have them.

[Allison Rosen]

That's fucked up.

[Andy Kindler]

And I was the only one who drank on the plane.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I said, warm cookies.

[Andy Kindler]

That's when you seem.

[Darren Smith]

You don't like feeling like an alcoholic. But you don't realize on a seven hour whatever how many times you go

[Andy Kindler]

for that little minute while everyone else

[Darren Smith]

is just sitting around drinking Fresca. And I kept reaching for those mini

[Andy Kindler]

bottles and it makes a lot of noise.

[Darren Smith]

You have to open the cabinet and stuff. All right, so other than that. But still home by. Walked off the stage at 10. Let's see. No, 10:30. Walked off the stage at 10:30. Because we start at 9. Up in the air before 11.

[Andy Kindler]

Like wheels up at.

[Darren Smith]

Before 11.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a tough call because it's like, if only one person can go, obviously it's going to be you. But really, even if it was three people who were just like three friends, why should all three people be miserable?

[Darren Smith]

That's exactly how I to them.

[Andy Kindler]

When just you two can be miserable, or even one of you, I don't care. Someone needs to be miserable.

[Darren Smith]

It's not going to be.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Just choose.

[Darren Smith]

Just choose.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Just choose already.

[Game Show Host]

All right,

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

All right.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

That's Adam Carlos Show 919. Come up next, we have Adam Carlisle Show 925, also from 2012, featuring David Alan Greer Dagaroni, along with Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy this flashback.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Darren Smith]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real World.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls. Shut up. Titanic.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Show Times, press nothing. They're free. 24.

[Brian Bishop]

That is so fast.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay Never.

[Darren Smith]

David Allen Greer. Love me some.

[Brian Bishop]

Dad. Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Knock it off.

[Brian Bishop]

Sorry. I'm just so excited, man. What's going on? Adam, I fucking love you, baby.

[Andy Kindler]

Good to see you, brother.

[Brian Bishop]

You're awesome.

[Andy Kindler]

I gotta tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

I love you.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you hug me? Please?

[Darren Smith]

Don't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what to do in this situation.

[Darren Smith]

We don't have insurance.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me what I want, please.

[Andy Kindler]

By the way, you smell good too.

[Darren Smith]

You can Twitter dag@davidalongreer. You can tweet him. Sorry.

[Andy Kindler]

Twitter, Tweet. Twitter.

[Darren Smith]

David Alan Greer Tweet. David Alan Greer.

[Andy Kindler]

Food Blog.

[Darren Smith]

Chocolate. Gluten.

[Adam Carolla]

Glutton. Glutton.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, glutton.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Hanging out in la.

[Andy Kindler]

Wait till now.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody.

[Darren Smith]

I had a long gluten.

[Adam Carolla]

Gluten. Gluten free.

[Darren Smith]

I had a long gluten talk with somebody today and it got me going. Sorry. Chocolateglutton.com and Dag, let's talk about you and food for a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk, baby.

[Darren Smith]

First off, have you checked my blog? I must find the animal, and I don't use that word lightly. Dag got himself some mangria. I went to get some ice cubes for him. I opened the refrigerator, the freezer, and

[Andy Kindler]

inside the freezer was the ice cube tray that was empty. Somebody emptied it out.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Totally empty.

[Andy Kindler]

Totally empty. Not one ice cube.

[Darren Smith]

And just put it back into the freezer.

[Andy Kindler]

Who does this. That's somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Who was it?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

Stop right there.

[Andy Kindler]

One of you would say, who was it?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I went in on goaz.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I just.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm curious. I want to know

[Andy Kindler]

what I say.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like the turn.

[Andy Kindler]

This guy denies it, supplies it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna tweet. I'm gonna do some blogging about this. What is it called? Mangina. I'm sorry, what? What is it?

[Darren Smith]

That's a heavyset woman of color that works at Cooter's office.

[Adam Carolla]

Cooter. Cooter pudding. What is this called, Guys? What is it?

[Darren Smith]

Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Mangria.

[Darren Smith]

Thank you very much.

[Adam Carolla]

This is an alcoholic beverage. I heard you ranting. And can I tell you something? What an entertaining 37 minutes of me talking.

[Brian Bishop]

That wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

It was just awesome. Not since the last days of Lenny Bruce, when he would rant and rave

[Brian Bishop]

about the shit that wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Have I been riveted. All right, here we go. Man. Man stuff. Oh, my God, that is foul.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

What is it?

[Darren Smith]

Listen, don't me. I know what the.

[Adam Carolla]

Some of that party wines. It fortified.

[Darren Smith]

It's got some punch.

[Adam Carolla]

You're looking good.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, move over grape soda. There's a new sheriff in Blacksville.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Wait, wait. When we were like, racist. When we were like 12, 13.

[Darren Smith]

If I do it in front of you, it's cool.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a racist handbook.

[Darren Smith]

So it works.

[Adam Carolla]

No, there's this stuff called malt duck. This reminds me of really. It was malt liquor and wild duck, which was the cheapest garbage champagne.

[Darren Smith]

Thank you. Keep going.

[Andy Kindler]

Malt duck champagne commercial for me.

[Adam Carolla]

What you've done is you've brought that back. You know, garbage liquor for the common man. Molly, pitchers, Muscatel. I toast you, Adam, and this Mangina.

[Darren Smith]

And dag. What was the first booze you got drunk off of? Like spunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Drunk.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not drunk. I ain't sweating. Right. It was probably Molly pitchers, Muscatel, Wild Irish rose, the whole Wild Irish Rose.

[Darren Smith]

I remember that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome in that. Like, it was in the glass. Bottle was like. Had like some kind of Macra.

[Darren Smith]

What year? What year was that for you? How old were you?

[Adam Carolla]

49. Were you post world?

[Darren Smith]

Were you in high school at the time?

[Adam Carolla]

I can speak plainly now.

[Darren Smith]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Grown. But I would say like 15 says we go. We going pay some dude, you know,

[Darren Smith]

who going to the liquor store.

[Adam Carolla]

Liquor store, you know this back in Detroit, back in the Big D. Back

[Andy Kindler]

in the big D, you know, but

[Adam Carolla]

it Was the liquor store we all went to since we were six or seven with our parents. Oh, they'll never know because I'm hiding like three feet behind the bushes. Yeah, the prickly bushes. They won't know it's me.

[Darren Smith]

It was always cool when you get.

[Adam Carolla]

You get.

[Darren Smith]

By the way, I like the idea

[Andy Kindler]

that when you're a kid you'd think that dude is cool. The dude in the Primer Del Camino

[Darren Smith]

who just agreed to go in.

[Andy Kindler]

He was going on a Tipperillo's run, but he agreed so graciously. And I like when you give him 10 bucks for the 499 six pack of Mickey's. He gives you no change in a

[Darren Smith]

five pack back and just keeps walking to the El Camino. But you think that fucking 31 year old dude's got it going on.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks, bro, for ruining my life, man.

[Andy Kindler]

And then you go, you think to yourself, dude, when I'm 30, I'm going

[Darren Smith]

to hang out at liquor stores and pay it forward, man.

[Andy Kindler]

I'm going to be that cool at that age.

[Allison Rosen]

Does anyone who's old is cool and powerful?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, anyone?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's anyone break, sir? Not anyone, honey. Just the older people that bias contraband. Get yourself together.

[Andy Kindler]

If you have a car.

[Allison Rosen]

I misspoke.

[Andy Kindler]

You're cool if you.

[Darren Smith]

If you got it.

[Andy Kindler]

If. Yeah, if you're out of high school and I'm in high school, you're cool even if I'm going to Harvard and you're going to work at a coin op car wash.

[Darren Smith]

It does not matter. You're two years older than me. By the way, I was thinking we're talking about you today because. Went to Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

This stuff's good.

[Darren Smith]

And we're talking about Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't feel my lips.

[Darren Smith]

We stopped. That's a lot not to feel. We stopped at Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

Racist.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Racist.

[Darren Smith]

It's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Hashtag racist.

[Darren Smith]

It's okay if you're here.

[Brian Bishop]

Here, here.

[Andy Kindler]

You're here.

[Darren Smith]

You're here. You thought it was funny. I could tell you you thought it was funny. Yeah, but it was a nervous laugh. But still alive.

[Brian Bishop]

I think they like me. Can you buy me a bottle of liquor, please?

[Andy Kindler]

Did you go to Princeton?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I heard Princeton is wonderful. No, I went to Yale Graduate School.

[Andy Kindler]

That's right.

[Darren Smith]

Yale graduate.

[Adam Carolla]

University of Michigan undergraduate. Hail to the victors valiant. Hail to the conquering heroes. Hail. Hail to Michigan.

[Andy Kindler]

The leaders of the west hail and we.

[Darren Smith]

What was Yale song? You remember what the Yale song was?

[Adam Carolla]

We're nerds and we go to Yale.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the fuck.

[Darren Smith]

We stopped at Yale and we had. And it was like, to me it was St. Elmo's fire. It's just all those old brick buildings and all cool.

[Andy Kindler]

It's so old.

[Darren Smith]

Like Yale's like 400 years old. Like crazy old building.

[Andy Kindler]

Crazy fucking old building.

[Darren Smith]

And we're walking around and I said, yeah, this is America. This is, this is what I miss. I was fucking living in the valley and cleaning carpets. A bunch of idiots. This is what my college experience should have been.

[Allison Rosen]

Could you imagine a young dag there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, can I get some more manjus?

[Andy Kindler]

And we stopped at a parking lot and it was great because when we

[Darren Smith]

rap, all I ever talk about is

[Andy Kindler]

how, see, in la everyone's an asshole. Everyone's an asshole. But you travel. As soon as you get outside of la, everyone's cool and everyone's.

[Darren Smith]

Hi, how are ya? What can I do you for?

[Andy Kindler]

Have a good day.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Have a good day.

[Andy Kindler]

And it's like, yeah, you're walking down the hall through an innocent Indian casino.

[Darren Smith]

Casino in Connecticut. And you're passing a heavyset 60 year old woman who's like a white maid. And she's like, how you doing today?

[Andy Kindler]

Fantastic.

[Darren Smith]

And you're just walking by and you're

[Andy Kindler]

just like, where the hell are these, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

What's their game labor?

[Adam Carolla]

Like they're doing undercover bars or some.

[Andy Kindler]

So we, we had this funny.

[Darren Smith]

We had this funny moment.

[Adam Carolla]

My new set, I wrote two new jokes.

[Darren Smith]

Guys, we've had this funny moment.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I was doing Broadway, so I wrote two new. I like to do two a year, not, you know, sprinkle it. You know what I mean? That's one of them.

[Darren Smith]

We want the.

[Brian Bishop]

What's up with Tiger Woods? He ain't winning no more. What's up, guys?

[Adam Carolla]

I used to have a big fro, but, you know, check out. God gave me a cut, God gave me a haircut. Some of the stuff I'm putting in my, you know, new act. Oh, yeah, it's great.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

We.

[Darren Smith]

I'll give you those dates in a second. We went to Yale. We pulled into a parking lot. Did you perform right in the middle? No, I was at an Indian casino in Connecticut and we drove through it.

[Adam Carolla]

Go. Start from the beginning.

[Darren Smith]

Drove through Connecticut, left Connecticut. So I had a fantastic performance Friday night. And I rarely say I'm proud of myself as a performer, but, you know, I was on the road for 14 hours, no nap, no preparation. And I got out there and I did what I get paid to do. I did an hour and 40 minutes, which is rare for me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an hour and 40 minutes.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, come on. Keep sleeping. It's funnier.

[Brian Bishop]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm proud of you, man.

[Darren Smith]

We drive and we stop at Yale on the way back to get.

[Adam Carolla]

I did my whole. I did my whole sleep apnea. You didn't even touch it.

[Brian Bishop]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

This is sleep apnea. I wake up. The sickness. Naked.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought you fucking died. You stopped breathing for two minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, fat white girl. I'm sorry.

[Darren Smith]

You know, dude, simulate what it's like making love to you.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Dak.

[Adam Carolla]

It's nice. Different.

[Darren Smith]

What it would sound like if we just mic'd you up.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's different now, you know. Now we'll do.

[Brian Bishop]

Now.

[Allison Rosen]

Then it's different.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like I. You know, like I was talking to.

[Darren Smith]

Who? Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

Teresa. Teresa's unsteady. And. And you have some diamonds. Are those real diamonds?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

They're like, wow. You said that real quick. Like, now.

[Allison Rosen]

What happened to make it so that I'm wearing fake diamonds back to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a kinder, gentler, lover maker, you know? Now it's like, man, this is so really great. Would you like a fourth glass of wine? Because, you know, you look so beautiful. I would like to play with your dirty pillows, you know? Sexy talk.

[Darren Smith]

You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Sexy talk.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I want to suck on that little button, you know what I mean? And grind on it, you know, with my tongue and stuff. Then we start, you know, hook it up. Then I get up in the sauce, you know.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But my. Was. My, my. It used to be rougher, you know, when I was younger. Now I'm trying to, you know, sha. Cow. So now once I'm, you know, get in there, you're in the mood. It's like, okay,

[Brian Bishop]

Don't look at me. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Oh, God.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Oh,

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's a new kind of.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the new, softer you like, more romantic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a little older. I enjoy every. Her orgasm is like, you know, amazing. You look frightened. Anyway, you're really white.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

She's like, white. She's wearing a white shirt. This is.

[Brian Bishop]

You're white.

[Adam Carolla]

Your skin is whiter than your shirt. I was like, damn.

[Allison Rosen]

Got a blue undertone.

[Andy Kindler]

So we're.

[Darren Smith]

We're heading to Yale, you know, and we pull into Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait a minute. You were doing the Indian casino?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Why were you in Yale?

[Andy Kindler]

I was at Foxwoods.

[Darren Smith]

And we're driving.

[Adam Carolla]

We're driving to Jersey Shore.

[Darren Smith]

And we go driving to Atlantic City and we go in.

[Brian Bishop]

I love you.

[Andy Kindler]

Stop at Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

They won't let you put this out?

[Darren Smith]

No, it's out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? What kind? How do you package? You put in a bottle.

[Andy Kindler]

I got a bottle.

[Darren Smith]

You could get a screw top, single pack. No, it's got a cork in it. Three pack cork in it. Case whatever you like, brother.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? You know what? This is Gator Alex, I'm not making these up. You can Google them. Gator Ale was another ghetto drink. Gator Ale, it was Gatorade and champagne.

[Andy Kindler]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to you. Look it up. Gator Ale, they had them in six months.

[Darren Smith]

Not like we don't believe black people will drink crazy things.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, you know, you need your moisture on a day like today. You know, you gotta.

[Andy Kindler]

You gotta hydrate, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Get your buzz on. Gator Ale, you know what I'm saying? That was popping. Yeah. Ale there was like. Yeah. Pink champagne was another thing. And little tiny bottles, and there was one.

[Darren Smith]

One type of Gatorade.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Andy Kindler]

Anyway, back at.

[Darren Smith]

Back at Harvard, I mean, yeah, we're pulling in and we're gonna get breakfast there. And I said, this is a beautiful little town. Couldn't be further away from la. And we go pulling into the parking lot and we're gonna pay him, you know, buck an hour. And we pull in and Mike August is driving the rental car, goes, how you doing? And the guy comes out of the shack and he looks at Mike and he goes, how long? And we're all sat there. He was black and he was like. He was crazy, like, Nintombo. What's his name?

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[Darren Smith]

The center in the NBA passed away. It was kind of Takembe ninth.

[Brian Bishop]

And he was.

[Darren Smith]

No, he was like, Yaphet Koda Black. Yeah, that sounds like.

[Andy Kindler]

But he said it so fast.

[Darren Smith]

You're like, how long?

[Andy Kindler]

So I was like, I'll be Mike.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

How long?

[Andy Kindler]

That's what it was. They were like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

I will eat your soul if you don't talk to me proper.

[Andy Kindler]

I was like, wait a minute, we're at Yale. You're supposed to be a kindly old black gentleman.

[Darren Smith]

And she goes, how are you doing?

[Andy Kindler]

Right back at you.

[Allison Rosen]

My goggles was a doctor adopting the friendly local patois.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, see, that wasn't it.

[Brian Bishop]

He didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

At least he didn't do. You know, he didn't do, like, the wigga shit.

[Brian Bishop]

What's up, brother? Hey, Klaus.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they were at Yale.

[Brian Bishop]

Jay Z, baby.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

That's where you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where all the white boys talk like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Jay Z, my niggle. Hey now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, most definitely. So what'd the dude do, man? What happened?

[Brian Bishop]

I was just.

[Darren Smith]

I was laughing. Cause I was right in the middle of my. How friendly these places are. And this guy yelled, how long? But he did it in a crazy voice. And it was. Mike yelled at him. I mean, he didn't yell him. Because of that. He yelled the how you doing? And the guy just blew right through it. And.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you something. There's an Internet room. I don't like to even delve into this. Did you write the Clint Eastwood bit where he talks to the chair?

[Darren Smith]

No, I punched it up.

[Game Show Host]

But I did.

[Brian Bishop]

I tell you something, Clint. I grew up watching you. This is fucking funny.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, this is funny, guys.

[Brian Bishop]

You don't think with an empty chair, but it's gonna be. Clint, you're a legend.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Just.

[Brian Bishop]

We're gonna do one more run through. I know.

[Andy Kindler]

You're great.

[Adam Carolla]

Just do it. It's going to kill.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay.

[Darren Smith]

What happens with dudes when they hit a certain age where they won't let anyone put anything on their hair? Like, my head looks like a big puffy old pube bush. And no one. I'll not let anyone put any fucking dippity do or pomade in it.

[Allison Rosen]

We could just look to your head for the answer. Why won't you.

[Adam Carolla]

You start looking like Spectrum man.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

You start going hair bare on everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, you go to that light last look where you thought, you know, we all have that last point in our lives when we could still do our own hair. Those of us who have it. And where you thought, damn, I look cute. Usually that's about 20 years ago and life time, the world has moved on. But you're still popping that, you know, boom. That shag with the poof on the

[Darren Smith]

top, you know, And I'm just saying, he. You know, just a little handful of mousse or a little cream on there.

[Allison Rosen]

A little pomade.

[Darren Smith]

Little pomade would have straightened this whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

He said he was like. He was laughing, but he's going to. Those handlers tried to get to me, but I said no.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for you, fucker.

[Brian Bishop]

Good for you, Clint. Woo. You rocked it, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

My hair.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we just give you. Can we just run over. Can we run through really quick? We're not gonna. Can we just put someone in the chair so that you can just get your eye folk? No. Okay, you're good.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You're good.

[Brian Bishop]

All Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're just. Okay, let's put Clint on stage.

[Brian Bishop]

He's good.

[Andy Kindler]

Put the chair on.

[Brian Bishop]

It's gonna. It's gonna kill.

[Andy Kindler]

We're so happy you're here.

[Brian Bishop]

Go.

[Darren Smith]

Got a question for you, Dag.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yes.

[Darren Smith]

Someone from Kirkland, Washington, has a question for you. Well, Jason might not be black.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up?

[Darren Smith]

He could be one of those half braids.

[Brian Bishop]

What's up, Jason?

[Darren Smith]

Jason.

[Andy Kindler]

Yo, man. Get it the fuck on.

[Darren Smith]

What's going on?

[Andy Kindler]

Wait to see you in December.

[Darren Smith]

Thank you. What's your nationality? Oh, I think you just gave it away. I'm a white dude. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're kidding. Wait a minute.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Darren Smith]

Question for Dag.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, I was wondering what your dad's favorite recurring Living Color character was to play back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you just qualified it. You said recurring. That means done more than once, Right?

[Darren Smith]

And on film.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you asking me? Are you telling me?

[Andy Kindler]

That was my favorite, man.

[Darren Smith]

That's what happens all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's great. Okay, let's do another caller, man.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, oh, but that's not your favorite.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, you're gonna gang up on me. There was a. We played. Me and Jamie Foxx played these old barbers, old black barbers that loved. We did a few times. We. James Brown was on there, and we were supposed to cut his hair. This is like Clint Eastwood moment. Gave the script to his people weeks in advance. James Brown, known for his big ass door. He's coming and we're gonna cut his hair. Because that's what, you know, that we're barbers. He got there, and his wife, who later died, God rest her soul, you know, she died, said, if you touch Mr. Brown's hair, he will kick your ass. So right from there, we could not. The whole sketch was about us fucking up his hair, right? We couldn't touch his hair. He would not wear a wig. We could not in any way physically. We could touch your shoulders, right? But not above the neck.

[Darren Smith]

That's not the James Brown I know, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. But it was so. And we had him for like 20

[Darren Smith]

minutes, you know, that's not the James Brown I know either.

[Adam Carolla]

And you had to call him Mr. Brown.

[Darren Smith]

That is now.

[Andy Kindler]

I know, it's really scary.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Andy Kindler]

I was really scared.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause so they put. They gave me like a piece of hair in my hand that I palmed, right? And so it was a really bad, fucked up sketch, right? And he came in, sat down, I went, shoot.

[Brian Bishop]

Look what I did.

[Darren Smith]

And then, oh, we're looking at it right now.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, now, see, he should be wearing a wig, and then you should be cutting along.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Brown won't do that. That is a young Kanye West. Hey, man, what did you do? I look like Rock Kings. I'm kidding.

[Darren Smith]

That's a. Oh, good.

[Andy Kindler]

One of the things I'll be doing

[Adam Carolla]

when I get to the mad house in San Diego.

[Brian Bishop]

I know, Sucker. Now all the women's gonna be running right after you.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna be running from me like the Heat Miser.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I did this with hair, too. So I did everybody's hair.

[Darren Smith]

I remember that one.

[Adam Carolla]

That was fun to do because I grew up going to these barber shops where the guys always up your hair. Never gave you the haircut you wanted.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They used to have an Afro chart.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, yeah, I like those.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it was in the Ebony magazine. And you point to the. To the basketball. What was it called? The Globetrotter was the craziest one because it had, like, the hoops of Afro and shit.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you pointed to.

[Darren Smith]

Which one would you get?

[Adam Carolla]

I forget the name of it, but it was kind of like, one time I thought I looked really cool. And you remember the shag? They did an Afro version of it. So they trimmed the sides, had you high on top with a little, like

[Darren Smith]

a ducktail in the back, kind of Bruno Marsi.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it would be more like the Black

[Darren Smith]

Ducky Boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if the Ducky Boy. And what's the really fucked up haircut that white dudes wear? You know, party in the front.

[Darren Smith]

I don't know. But no, that's mullet. But, yeah, a mullet.

[Brian Bishop]

What else?

[Allison Rosen]

Spelby short.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay, a spelby.

[Adam Carolla]

First of all, can I get some more man juice?

[Brian Bishop]

It's awesome.

[Darren Smith]

Don't. Yeah, don't. I've learned the hard way, don't end your black haircut titles with boy. Yeah, that's one thing I learned. And again, Black cowboy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, go back.

[Darren Smith]

I love those jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it. That was it. So I would do this. Hold on.

[Darren Smith]

Everyone looked like Shaft. This is the intellectual woman where they carved the part in. What's going on with carving the part in?

[Andy Kindler]

What does that do?

[Brian Bishop]

What's.

[Darren Smith]

You can go to amcrol.com if you want to look at the Duke style chart. Dag over here, where we got a mic for you here. But let me ask you something. What about the black dudes? I think Tyson had that for a while.

[Andy Kindler]

The black dudes carving.

[Brian Bishop]

I believe

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a fucking fly. I love you, man.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

So much.

[Darren Smith]

Love a new dick now. Did you ever have the part carved in your head?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the point of that?

[Adam Carolla]

Just because I thought it looked cool, man. And then I wondered. There were some dudes, like the big afro. You had an afro where it went like this. Like this. I'll give you an exaggerated example. Sam Jackson. It's the man just talking. Sam Jackson in that crazy movie. Remember the one about the comic books? Bald Mike. What's up, man? Help me out.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

The comic book movie with Sam Jackson.

[Darren Smith]

Unbreakable. Unbreakable.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you. If you go to his picture, that's. It's like the Frederick Douglass. Yeah, I kind of picture Frederick Douglass.

[Andy Kindler]

That's like Mr. Glass.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of crazy looking. That was a good ass afro. That was good.

[Andy Kindler]

Let me give a little love to

[Darren Smith]

one of our sponsors. Stamps.com. running a small business hours, not 9 to 5. You got to take care of business.

[Andy Kindler]

Limited post office hours. A little frustrating. Try stamps.com with it, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying I'm gonna keep it cool, dad, come on. No, no, go ahead. I'm not saying or dick, ass, nothing.

[Darren Smith]

I'm going right ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

What now?

[Allison Rosen]

I have a question for Dax.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Go.

[Andy Kindler]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Teresa, go back to the stamp thing, man. We gotta do it right.

[Darren Smith]

Go, dad.

[Brian Bishop]

Do it right. Stamps dot com. What?

[Darren Smith]

Go daddy.

[Brian Bishop]

I want stamps.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do I get them?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you want a website, motherfucker?

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me where I get the goddamn stamps from.

[Darren Smith]

That's my point.

[Andy Kindler]

Go daddy.

[Darren Smith]

Go Daddy. Everybody.

[Andy Kindler]

That's what I like.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Our [e-mail] have a great deal for you in October. Up to three domain names. Just 5.99 and only $7.99 after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you something, Theresa. How many domain names you got? Teresa.com teresa.net teresa.org Alison. Teresa. Alison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I have Teresa, you could.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm squatting on them. I have like six or seven. I got a great deal by listening to Adam do the read.

[Andy Kindler]

That's right.

[Darren Smith]

Just enter Adam599 in your [e-mail]. that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta drive, man. I can't have. This is my third glass.

[Andy Kindler]

That's Adam.

[Darren Smith]

The number five, the number nine and the number nine.

[Andy Kindler]

Adam. Five.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Nine, nine.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn it. Ass, Dookie, ass.

[Darren Smith]

599.

[Allison Rosen]

It's 5.99. Because it's 5.99.

[Darren Smith]

5.99.

[Brian Bishop]

Booty.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hole.

[Brian Bishop]

Go Dookie ass.

[Darren Smith]

Go GoDaddy.com.

[Adam Carolla]

i love Dodads.

[Darren Smith]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

So listen, man, you playing. You play in theaters? You play in bigger places. That's nice. I mean, you know, I don't really. I. It's not really a diss on my part, you know.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I'm happy for you and everything that you're doing bigger places, but, like, what I like to. I'm kind of doing what I call reverse expansion. Like, I did crackers like 20 years ago. Bam. Back in there. Redefined. Rediscover.

[Darren Smith]

Comedy club. Or you fuck a white chick.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's both. Both in beautiful Indianapolis. You know, I could go to the. You know, I think it's the Art Center. Who needs that?

[Darren Smith]

No, you want to get intimate.

[Adam Carolla]

Keeping it real intimate. Yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Madhouse Comedy club, San Diego, October 5th through the 7th. Orlando Improv, October 12th through the 14th.

[Brian Bishop]

Not bullshitting.

[Adam Carolla]

Orlando. Beautiful Orlando, man. Like you could do. You know, I've done the Disney House. Isn't there Disney House down there?

[Allison Rosen]

Of course there is.

[Andy Kindler]

You go to.

[Darren Smith]

You go to San Diego to work out all these musicals, right? Remember I talked to you, I did La Jolla, and you were in San Diego for like, two months. And I was like, what are you doing over there? And then somebody told me that's where

[Andy Kindler]

all the musicals go out and work it out.

[Adam Carolla]

There were beautiful women in that cast, man. But hold on. Who was the dude? Remember at the. This is genius. Who would not recommend this? What's it like? What's the Sprite?

[Darren Smith]

Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Sprite. And cheap red wine. Because you know how.

[Darren Smith]

You know it's good, all natural, where

[Adam Carolla]

I belched and I spit up a little bit of the mangari in the back of my throat. And it had chunks of this beef stew I ate earlier, and then I just chewed it and swallowed it again. But now it's flavored with your alcohol, so. That's beautiful.

[Darren Smith]

Thanks, man.

[Adam Carolla]

It reminded me, I have a dog.

[Andy Kindler]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a dog. Herschel.

[Andy Kindler]

Celebrity endorsement Chocolate lab.

[Adam Carolla]

This is what I heard at night. It was like. I was like, herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, down.

[Darren Smith]

You hear that While you're asleep on

[Andy Kindler]

your bed, Herschel, down.

[Brian Bishop]

Down right now. Down.

[Adam Carolla]

I still didn't want to get up. That's Lucy, Mother dog. That's her tail.

[Brian Bishop]

Lucy, Lucy, down. Herschel, stay.

[Andy Kindler]

Herschel, Herschel.

[Adam Carolla]

He gets up. He walks down the hal. Here's the kicker. And the show has reached a new low.

[Darren Smith]

That sound. Are you beating off or Is he eating his own vomit?

[Adam Carolla]

He's eating his own vomit. That's the beauty of a chocolate lab. I got up the next morning, looked for the puke. There was none. That's how great. He cleaned it.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, and only a dog.

[Andy Kindler]

I just threw up in my mouth.

[Brian Bishop]

And then you did it, just like Herschel.

[Darren Smith]

Someone's got a question for Dagaroni, by the way. Jj, Sacramento.

[Andy Kindler]

What's up, jj what's happening?

[Darren Smith]

Hey, how's it going? Good.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a question.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I was wondering.

[Brian Bishop]

Dag.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sir.

[Andy Kindler]

What's your opinion on Bernie Mac?

[Darren Smith]

Was.

[Adam Carolla]

Bernie Mac was great. I mean, you know what? I was acquainted with Bernie Mac. Never did we work together. We were supposed to do. I think Bernie did Fridays. Maybe we were supposed to do that.

[Darren Smith]

I guest starred on a show.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time I talked to him. He was the nicest guy. I mean, on Earth. And he stayed that way from when he was doing Showtime at the Apollo to the last time I saw him, which was right before he died.

[Darren Smith]

It's been two years with him now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little longer.

[Darren Smith]

A little longer.

[Adam Carolla]

Your Cracker Jack staff, he's the nicest guy. Also, I thought he was a brilliant comic. When you look at kings of Comedy. The reason why I think his show was so successful is Cedric the Entertainer. All those other guys were really, really funny. But when Bernie came on, he really took you through a journey. And that's brilliant. Stand up, you know, doesn't matter if it's really true. I don't really know. I know they based his show on this whole thing, but it was so much more invested because he encased it in. This is my life that I'm living now. This is what I just went through, as opposed to just really funny jokes. And so that's what took his comedy to another level. I thought he was great.

[Darren Smith]

Show's syndicated pretty widely because, well, he's dead.

[Adam Carolla]

He won't be getting anything. But, you know, I get.

[Darren Smith]

I got my TiVo set that if something I do and my name's on it, it'll pop up, even though it only works half the time. But, you know, I'm pretty proud of. You know, I don't call the body work, but I. I've done my fair share.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Darren Smith]

I'm just doing that so you can snore, actually. But my Bernie Mac, my Bernie Mac episode.

[Brian Bishop]

Get the empty chair so Al can talk to it. Yeah, give me some more man juice.

[Andy Kindler]

How about you lose a joke, bring me home.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't look at Me?

[Brian Bishop]

I'll beat your ass. You.

[Andy Kindler]

I beat you.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam. I.

[Andy Kindler]

That's how it goes. Stay away from alcohol, kids.

[Darren Smith]

You're wearing an orange slippers. I noticed.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I am so I can slip off when they take me juvie from your man Juicy.

[Allison Rosen]

You.

[Darren Smith]

I don't know if you're going to

[Brian Bishop]

jug you my name and Malola.

[Adam Carolla]

Sir, please don't come at me. We're gonna taser you.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah. So, dad, you're be okay to drive home? Oh, fuck yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me my keys. Hey, no monkey shines with my keys.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian, my keys.

[Darren Smith]

Somebody. Somebody's got a question. Oh, no. Women dressing in Atlantic City. I don't care about that question.

[Adam Carolla]

That sounds like a bad. You know. Adam, tell me about you hate eating cheese doodles.

[Andy Kindler]

Why don't you take it away?

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, what's going on with you and

[Adam Carolla]

cheese doodles on elevators and buildings?

[Brian Bishop]

Go.

[Darren Smith]

Allison Rosen. Yes, I'm do some news, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

We can try.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad sometimes.

[Andy Kindler]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't do my theme song, man, when I came up in here.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, where's the thing around?

[Brian Bishop]

It's the Adam Toa show. Teresa got on song. Now you got Allison with you. Daddy Bonaduce got bit by fan and fool is the Adam Crola podcast show.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome.

[Darren Smith]

Why guys?

[Adam Carolla]

Why not, man? I gave you my fart song, which you know, you should have played. I'm just saying. What's up?

[Allison Rosen]

I enjoyed your first.

[Darren Smith]

I gotta say, I miss Peanut. That's who I miss.

[Adam Carolla]

Peanut is here, man. Peanuts.

[Darren Smith]

Where's Peanut?

[Brian Bishop]

Hi, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

How you doing?

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, Peanuts, you're here.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello. Yeah, hi, Teresa. Damn, you lost weight.

[Brian Bishop]

You look good.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, I got to go out to the car. My kids in the car.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, your kids. It's so hot outside.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they all right.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

They all right.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, there's more than one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, I got this.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, hello.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Please. I'll say that because you know that's on my website, right? Hopelies.com.

[Andy Kindler]

yeah, it's right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hooked in with my funky flops. Oh, yeah, the vintage flip flops.

[Darren Smith]

Vintage flip flops. Previously owned flip flops.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Previously worn.

[Andy Kindler]

Warned.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I think. I think owned sounds better.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello. Hopefully I used to do that.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I remember Dee Dee would call you a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

These my girl. Oh, that's beeping. You know, this page has been with me. Hello.

[Brian Bishop]

Hi, Dee Dee.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, hold on. Let me put your. Hold. I got my kids in the car.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, yeah? How many kids do you have in there?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I got two sets of twins, triplets, four dogs, two cats, and a pet squirrel.

[Darren Smith]

You don't keep the kids in the car. It's 107 degrees outside.

[Adam Carolla]

Squirrel get hungry, he go crazy.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, don't put the squirrel with the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Scratch and bite. All kind of.

[Darren Smith]

No, don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't put the s. Travell.

[Darren Smith]

Those are the twin. Oh, those are the triplets.

[Adam Carolla]

Beautiful strapping boys. 22 years old. Boys still with me and still in the car.

[Darren Smith]

Wow, it's so hot out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they going to be fine.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, hi, De.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, let me just. Can't charge. You got a charger. Hi, Teresa. You're not talking much. You used to be very combative of.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, she's cool.

[Allison Rosen]

I've turned over a new leaf.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a hug, girl. You like my tips?

[Darren Smith]

Somebody, she got her tips done. Yeah, somebody left her kid in a car today at the supermarket.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what's.

[Darren Smith]

What's my problem?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you act like, you know, I'm not even here. You know, like, oh, we got do news.

[Darren Smith]

Well, it's peanut. It is.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, no, no, wait a minute, wait

[Adam Carolla]

a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I used to work here. Soon. Scootle, Scootle. I don't want you involved in this.

[Darren Smith]

Why are you looking me for some peanut?

[Brian Bishop]

Why you raising your voice? Don't get me excited.

[Darren Smith]

I'm doing. I'm trying to do a show here. Peanuts. Yeah, and it's fine to say hi, but Dee Dee keeps calling you and we're trying to get the news.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do it.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, there's Dee Dee.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, Dee Dee. I'm about to ask him right now. I'll do it.

[Darren Smith]

No, you don't have to. No, I'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll come back and work here.

[Darren Smith]

No, we don't have phone.

[Adam Carolla]

I go to times. Just send me a phone.

[Darren Smith]

No, we don't need a. We don't need a home.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember how it used to be? You were rocking a mic. I was like, hello, Ho, please. Hello, ho, please. K Rocks. Hi, Adam Pradola show.

[Darren Smith]

It's just kroc and it's not with an S. Remember when you had a K rock?

[Adam Carolla]

You had a deep talks and I would repeat, you know, the whole, you know, go ahead, do your thing.

[Darren Smith]

Okay, well, like, I do. I mean, I do the radio show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, when you yell at Me, you'd be like, peanut, what did you do?

[Darren Smith]

Well, Peanut, you need to answer the. I would tell her to answer the phone. You know, that was your job, to answer the phone. You need to pick up the phone. Yeah, when the phone rings, you pick it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, but you're talking to your friend Dee a lot. We're paying you to answer the phone. Say now. See, we can hear you talking to Dee, you know, we know Dee Dee's on the other line. Yeah, Dee Dee shouldn't be calling me on your cell phone. Your pay dancer are fun, you understand me?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but when you, when you yell to me, and I would, you know, repeat, you know, what's the rules? You say. You say, you know, what's the rules?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, what's the rules? Yeah, yeah. For working here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta, you gotta. Are you copying what I'm saying? Are you copying what I'm saying? I'm not one of your man child twins, you understand? I'm an educated adult and I don't appreciate people. Thank you. That was beautiful.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. All right.

[Darren Smith]

Now the news with Allison Ryan, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that was hard. You're making me work in here.

[Brian Bishop]

Guys, can I get some more man juice? You behind the glass, fucking get me the man juice. And we're going at it.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Bro.

[Andy Kindler]

What kind of your shit animal puts the tray back into the freezer?

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Darren Smith]

Empty, empty, Completely empty. Back into the freezer.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so angry.

[Darren Smith]

Dust that shit.

[Andy Kindler]

What's the worst in Prince?

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, your worldly woman, one of your gentlemen callers. What's the word? Thank you, sir. What's the worst thing he's done, a man has done in your house when you've said, wow, is that a used condom that you're finger painting with?

[Allison Rosen]

No. No. Tried to urinate in the kitchen trash. No, not tried. Did really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He was so drunk.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Post coital.

[Darren Smith]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't remember. Cause I was drunk too, probably. It was years ago.

[Darren Smith]

Tried to pee in the trash can.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I was like, hey, hey, that's not the bathroom. And he just. It was sort of like I had said, like, could you roll over? Like, it's like, oh. And then just went into the bathroom. Thank God I lived with my sister at the time. She would not have been happy.

[Darren Smith]

Drew told me his roommate in college got up in the middle of the night, walked over to the stereo unit, lifted up the. Remember the dust lid on the turntables like he was lifting a toilet seat?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first of all, that it worked. Did Anybody ever put it. Man, put the dust lid on, man. Yeah, don't dirty my LPs.

[Darren Smith]

But you couldn't do it while it was playing. Or it was good, but lift it up like he was lifting the toilet seat up and started pissing all over the turntable.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason why I don't like Dr. Drew is if he likes you. No, really, if you're his boy, that's a medical condition. Well, you know, let's say penis urinatus. Music collar Cuffs is a disease.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not his fault.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he couldn't help it. If he doesn't like you, you're a fucking asshole.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Whatever.

[Darren Smith]

What new Dr. Drew bonus episode, by the way, Available now.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, have you been watching Dr. Drew's rehab show? The made a comeback, man. This is not stars. These are straight, straight addicts. It is amazing and beautiful.

[Brian Bishop]

They are not in this season.

[Allison Rosen]

Junkie barfed in my kitchen sink once. A lot of went down, but explain

[Adam Carolla]

it because you knew. It's. First of all, it's a long time ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Second of all, it was a long time ago.

[Darren Smith]

He only snort.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I never had sex with him. He only snorted the heroin. And he assured me I didn't kiss him. He showed me that it really didn't affect him that much. And it actually made his eyes sparkle when he snorted the heroin. And then that's not really sex if

[Andy Kindler]

I just massage his penis.

[Allison Rosen]

8:30am, he's in my kitchen, his boxers puking in the kitchen sink. And my sister is getting ready to go to work. And this was a different apartment than the one where the guy pissed me.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a long time ago. That was a long time ago though, right? You're living different. You got your shit together.

[Allison Rosen]

I do. I had my shit together then. Except for the guys I dated. And also other rap.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, let me repeat. Because I know you got lots to do. I don't want to, you know, monopolize anything. You had your shit together a long time ago, right? I mean, is that what she said? Guys?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I said.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what she said?

[Allison Rosen]

Guys?

[Adam Carolla]

I had my shit together a long time ago. Except for the guy I dated.

[Allison Rosen]

Guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, guys. Okay, so it wasn't one. So your shit was together. But the junkies, the perverts, the. That were just nasty. They were fucked up. Not you, right? Oh, I got it. Let's move on. Let's do some news, man.

[Darren Smith]

That man Greece got a little punched.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, I'm just trying to say. Shut your mouth, you fucker. You not the boss of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me some more man juice, man. I love it. And my car keys, please, gentlemen, go ahead.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You.

[Allison Rosen]

I was just trying to. I'm just trying to emphasize that I was not also snorting heroin.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you talking so loud? I. I've known you quite a while.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. No one accused you of snorting.

[Adam Carolla]

You have your hands gesticulating like you're

[Darren Smith]

in court protesting a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

You never snorted heroin.

[Darren Smith]

Get it? She shot it.

[Allison Rosen]

I only shot it.

[Darren Smith]

She smoked it and she shot it,

[Allison Rosen]

but only between my toes. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Find the vein, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

I've actually, I've never. Have you guys.

[Darren Smith]

Heroin.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never done anything via needle.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop, stop, stop. Do right there. That's the nastiest dude here.

[Andy Kindler]

Heroin.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that means he shot other shit.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I.

[Darren Smith]

Listen, I'm the guy who Woke up at 6:30. Six in the morning, walked in my kitchen about 6:30 in the morning and saw my roommate and his buddy work the third shift at the paper mill factory smoking crack out of a pipe they made out of a fuel line from my garage. And I walked into the kitchen and

[Andy Kindler]

they're just smoking crack. And they said, you want to hit? I said, yeah, why not?

[Darren Smith]

And I took a hit off the guy's crack and then I went to work.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you get a lot done that day?

[Darren Smith]

You just get cracking it high for like 10 seconds and then it goes down.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't look at me. For cocaine.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like the most amazing high ever though, or.

[Darren Smith]

Cocaine is awesome. Cocaine is a.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

He built a sideways house that day.

[Andy Kindler]

Awesome drug.

[Brian Bishop]

But wait, wait. Crack.

[Adam Carolla]

That shit is funny.

[Andy Kindler]

The ones you didn't.

[Darren Smith]

Smoking coke.

[Andy Kindler]

Guys, after we smoke all this crack,

[Adam Carolla]

what are we gonna do? Nothing. You know what else is very sad about that story? The pipe that your brilliant roommate.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Smells like gasoline.

[Adam Carolla]

The federal pipe commission would not approve. The copyright was never allowed to produce.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, that brilliant.

[Allison Rosen]

It came out of his basement lab.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the government Bobo the man shut him down. No copyright. Interesting.

[Darren Smith]

That's the Mangria talking.

[Andy Kindler]

Let's do some news.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Have we played the song or not?

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I'd say we did. Can I.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I hear my song? Because, you know, I feel like song raped. I mean, I know that there are people who are really raped there, but I mean, no diss there, but let's

[Darren Smith]

hope you get the oboe and not the tuba.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Allison Rosen]

Ideally a piccolo.

[Darren Smith]

You want a. Well, a piccolo with a lot of valve oil.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Oh, boy.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? You don't want a triangle

[Darren Smith]

to me is the worst thing to be raised with.

[Adam Carolla]

They find that little space, and they just lace that and turn and breathe and relax, man.

[Darren Smith]

Juice and Dag, are you dating?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'd like to know.

[Adam Carolla]

I dated a few people in New York.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A few girls in New York.

[Darren Smith]

It's nice for you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It was cool, man.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, you're on fire.

[Andy Kindler]

Actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, I came home. I came home. It's all about my daughter. So, you know, I just redid her bedroom and. And, you know, just chilling around the house all day. I told you, all day we're gonna do the news. Okay? All day I was watching people work. Now, let me ask you something real

[Darren Smith]

quick before we get the news at your house.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm exhausted. You know how it is.

[Darren Smith]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

What time you gonna be here? What time you want me to start, Right? And I always call them on their. Okay, 5am I'm gonna be here. 5am 5am it is, brother. See you tomorrow at 5am they don't show up.

[Darren Smith]

Worst Mexican accent I've ever heard.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he was Mexican, but really, the dude came.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, the dude came? He's actually Russian. The dude came. Electrician fixed all my lights. All the lights, by the way, in my house are all different. Low voltage in the house, halogen outside.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Traditional flood in the garage.

[Darren Smith]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So we didn't have any of the lights. And he said, what the do we do? And I'm like, look, I never do this because, you know, there's two ways to go. You tell them to go get the lights. What happens? They're gone. They're not coming back. Like, take your money.

[Darren Smith]

Sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, stay right here, brother. Stay right here. Have a Jenny Craig meal. Going downhill. I was back in 20 minutes. I got all the lights. He put them in. Good move. Bad move.

[Allison Rosen]

So you hired someone to show him light bulbs?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was more electrician. No, he was electrician because there was shorts. It was. You know, let's do some news.

[Darren Smith]

You know, you need to do with that rushing guy. Is he coming back?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Andy Kindler]

Yes, he is.

[Darren Smith]

You need to. You need to do this move. You know, Ennis Cosby was a good friend of mine. And then he'd be like, that's not cool. And, you know, you know. You know who killed him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Darren Smith]

Russian dude. Friend of yours. Friend of yours. What's the friend of yours? You just keep saying friend of yours over and over again.

[Adam Carolla]

But sad tragedy number one.

[Darren Smith]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And that kid who did that was very misguided. But, yes, good comedy tribe. Hey, let's do some news.

[Darren Smith]

That's commentary. Or maybe it was Ukrainian or something. Listen, all the people do the thing

[Andy Kindler]

where they go, not Russian, the guy who's Ukrainian or something. No difference to us.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Chechnya. Chechnya.

[Darren Smith]

Fucked up white guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at me. Russian.

[Brian Bishop]

Want some vodka?

[Allison Rosen]

So we just lived through Carmageddon 2. Weekend closing of the 405, and they finished work seven hours early.

[Darren Smith]

Yes. Wonder why. Wonder why.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet you have a theory, Adam.

[Darren Smith]

I was here in 94 for the quake. You guys remember the quake in 94?

[Adam Carolla]

That was real.

[Darren Smith]

That was real. And a big long stretch of the 10 freeway had, like, collapsed 10 or the 5.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the 10, but also the 5. Remember, there's.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, but we didn't need the 5 so bad. The 10 fucked everything up.

[Adam Carolla]

Motorcycle cop died off.

[Darren Smith]

And they said. But he died doing what he loved. He was riding his bike off an overpass. They said this. They said, the 10 freeway is going to be down for, like, nine months. And everyone went, jesus Christ. That's the artery right through the middle of the city for nine months. That thing's out. We're totally fucked. And somebody told the contractor, basically, we'll give you 250 grand for every week under nine months. You can finish this job in the guy finished in, like, three months.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's better than that. I gotta get reelected. What is the longest we can tell the populace it will take? And what's the shortest we can turn this in?

[Darren Smith]

There's that, too, but they paid the motherfucker like, 250 grand a week for every week he came short and he got on it 24, 7, and the shit was done six months advance. Now, how much stuff gets done six months early or three months early?

[Andy Kindler]

How much stuff projected when they say it's going to take a year and

[Darren Smith]

$10 million, it's going to take two years and 20 million bucks. Right. This shit was done early.

[Adam Carolla]

But why has that never happened in Hollywood? Have you ever had, like, okay, Adam, we're going to put you in a development deal, but we're going to fast track it. We want that pilot. We're going to shoot that pilot and pick you up in not six months. In six weeks.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, that never.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't do anything in the six months or a year and a half. They sit there.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. So this thing got finished early.

[Allison Rosen]

And Villaragosa said it was a resounding success. He called it karma heaven. Yes, because only seven citations were given out the whole time. Four to a group of inline skaters and three to pedestrians.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Darren Smith]

And it's because this guy would have had to pay like 360 bucks or something like $60,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Some insane amount.

[Darren Smith]

Some insane amount if they'd gone over money. So they do what they're incentivized to do, which I keep telling that's how people react. Give them a whole bunch of money to finish early. They finish early. Tell them, take as long as you

[Andy Kindler]

want, we'll keep paying you.

[Darren Smith]

They take longer. That's the way it works.

[Allison Rosen]

In Entertainment News, Seth MacFarlane will be hosting the Oscars.

[Brian Bishop]

Fuck yeah. Seth, if you can hear me, I've been calling you all day, bro. We did it, homeboy. Woo. Call me up, man. Put me on, motherfucker. Did you call him? Cause we going to the Oscars.

[Adam Carolla]

You know that it's February 24th.

[Darren Smith]

I didn't want to call him today because I didn't want to hear everyone's call him today.

[Adam Carolla]

Call him up.

[Darren Smith]

Yes, Peanut, call him up.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, what's up, dog? Put my girl, Peanut on. Love you, motherfucker. Oscar's all up in your ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What's the appropriate time to wait?

[Darren Smith]

I'll wait till the weekend. I say, Peanut, you want to go to the.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to go to Oscar, you

[Darren Smith]

got to go to Oscars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I love Oscar. Oscar Myers. All the things I would like to maybe answer your pager if you.

[Darren Smith]

No, you can't. I don't need a pager.

[Adam Carolla]

An executive assistant at the Oscars. I like to perform, you know, do the Oscar songs.

[Darren Smith]

Where are your kids now?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're in the car.

[Darren Smith]

They're still in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're not. They're on the bus.

[Darren Smith]

They're still on the bus.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Bad improv in.

[Andy Kindler]

Now you're good. You just got a little bus going.

[Darren Smith]

That's all right. You're fine.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not a bus.

[Allison Rosen]

But Peanut wants to perform.

[Darren Smith]

You want to perform at the Oscars?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to do the Big move musical number, actually, you know, Seth is going to probably.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, you know, he's going to open with a song and a big band and the whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

This is great. I was listening to npr. Nerd Blurred. Call me what you want, but they're going. Terry Gross, breaking news. This guy, Seth McFarlane, I think they call him, he's hosting the Oscars. Who the heck is that? Apparently he does cartoons. He made like $100 million. He's good looking.

[Darren Smith]

Now, hold on. Harry Shearer. He does voices on some of those cartoons.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have hired him. I would have hired him at the drop of a hat. I don't know who this Seth is, but wish him well. They had no idea who he was.

[Darren Smith]

I think part of that is pretending like all you do is read and watch publicly funded, you know, radio and television specials on whales and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

They were going, what do you. What is the Academy thinking? Maybe they want to get young males to watch the Oscars. Why would they want to do that?

[Andy Kindler]

Let me say this. When you're in a position where you have to broadcast other people and they

[Darren Smith]

announce who the halftime entertainment is at

[Andy Kindler]

the super bowl, don't go, who is that?

[Darren Smith]

Because it's not like everyone listening is

[Andy Kindler]

going to go, yeah, who the fuck is going to do that?

[Darren Smith]

Halftime.

[Andy Kindler]

Assume that if they hire an act

[Darren Smith]

to do the halftime entertainment or host

[Andy Kindler]

the Oscars, that that's a human being

[Darren Smith]

that other people have heard of, and thus you're in the minority who doesn't

[Allison Rosen]

know where they are typically given to no names.

[Adam Carolla]

Kiss did it one time.

[Andy Kindler]

Yeah, but we've heard of them. The point is, awesome.

[Darren Smith]

Nobody's gonna get that gig who nobody's heard of.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Andy Kindler]

That's part of the gig, is having people know who you are. So assume you're way out of the loop.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone.

[Darren Smith]

So you're way out of the loop and thus don't admit it on the air. Have someone fucking Google this shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, for who? Like, who are you scoring points with?

[Adam Carolla]

With?

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Oh, they get a lot of mileage out of.

[Adam Carolla]

They're nerds.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Game Show Host]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this is the coolest thing. I met so many women, younger women in New York, and it was like, you know, sorry, I don't have a tv.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You pulled that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not me. They did. It was like, come on. No, I watched. You know, I watched stuff on Hulu. They're like, oh, yeah, nobody has TV now, you know, because that's no living college stuff. That's bad.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, Jesus. How you gonna get laid?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess I could. I guess I could call my mom or Google you or something. Go on YouTube, because I don't have TV.

[Darren Smith]

Uhhuh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was a big.

[Darren Smith]

Well, you tell them you're on Broadway. That's nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I do.

[Darren Smith]

Nominated for Tony. Yeah, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Three. It's only three.

[Darren Smith]

Go from race to Porgy and Best.

[Andy Kindler]

What was the Sit down, White man.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello,

[Game Show Host]

Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Came to that. Well, let's get back to the notes.

[Andy Kindler]

Could you do what Was your soliloquy

[Adam Carolla]

at the top you want to tell

[Darren Smith]

me about at the top? I swear to God.

[Brian Bishop]

Sit down.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to tell me about black folks, I'll help you. It just goes in from there, but

[Darren Smith]

it was the greatest thing ever.

[Game Show Host]

O.J.

[Adam Carolla]

was guilty, you know, while.

[Darren Smith]

But dag. At the top, when. When I showed up and all the black people are showing up late and you're talking about stereotypes. That was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there are several. One time we heard this, like, black couple got up and the black dude goes, it's David Mamet. Because I don't know who this brother David Mamet is, but he sure knows

[Brian Bishop]

how to write about black folk.

[Adam Carolla]

We were like, awesome. Back to the news. Passing the baton. It's all about you, honey.

[Allison Rosen]

Sarah Silverman made another political video, this time about voter suppression. And we have it. And we have clipped, like, the first 51 seconds, but if you want to see more, we can do that.

[Darren Smith]

Is voter suppression just asking for ID or is there more to it than that?

[Allison Rosen]

There's more to it.

[Darren Smith]

What's the other?

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Hey, black people, old people, poor people, and students, Guess what you all have in common. Lawmakers are trying to fuck you and your assholes. Hey, y', all, it's me, your Jewish friend, Sarah. I mean, though, I. I can play Italian or, like a black Irish. Can you believe it's election time again? Time to go to the local polling place, cross your name off the list, and vote. But this year, it's not going to be that easy because there are these brand new super fucked up laws which are presented as a way to prevent voter fraud, but are in fact designed to make it hard for specific people to vote. Black people, elder people, elderly people, poor people, and students.

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

I wonder what those demographics have in common. Oh, yeah, they're probably gonna vote for this guy.

[Darren Smith]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Bravo, Sarah. Sarah Silverman.

[Darren Smith]

There's no more.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Darren Smith]

What's.

[Adam Carolla]

Sarah Silverman's mama came to see me. She came to see me, sir.

[Darren Smith]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

There is more than you with her theater group.

[Darren Smith]

Do you guys know what the rest of the suppression.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's saying that you can't vote on Sundays. Like, there's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we have church?

[Andy Kindler]

It's after church, which is like, you know, hey, it's for our own protection

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

to prevent voter fraud. Oh, yeah. All that crazy voter fraud going around. There's so much fraud around that. Free and anonymous civil rights. You know, a lot of these laws require you to have a state issued picture ID, like a driver's license. But more than 20, 21 million Americans don't have driver's licenses.

[Unknown Male Guest]

What about my Social Security card?

[Adam Carolla]

I've been using it for 70 years.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

No photo, no Voto. I'm onto your shenanigans. Murray Gershon's. If that is your real name. Next.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

My veteran photo ID card.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Is your address on it?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Oh, then no.

[Unknown Male Guest]

I lost my legs for this country.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Look, if you want fair moved to

[Adam Carolla]

King Canada and a good actor he was.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a purple heart. Big deal.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

I have a yellow discharge.

[Adam Carolla]

There she goes. God bless her.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

I mean I. It's. I have a cream for it. This attempt to prevent voter fraud is itself the only voter fraud taking place. You think I'm being paranoid?

[Andy Kindler]

Look at this voter id, which is going to allow Governor Romney to win

[Adam Carolla]

the state of Pennsylvania.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

And how about this bullshit. Some students, like in Tennessee, because of the new voter identification laws, will not be able to use their student IDs to vote. But and this is amazing, gun owners can use their firearm permits as ID to vote. It makes perfect sense. Get these kids gun permits.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell em Sarah.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

I feel safer from voter fraud already. What a great time to be encouraging our young people to go out and get a firearm license, don't you think? It's just like so American. So let's do it. If you live in one of these voter suppression states, make sure that's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Sarah Silverman.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, I'm for voter suppression, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not. Why are you for voter suppression?

[Darren Smith]

I'm for voter suppression and I'm anti immigrant. Those are my two.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? First of all, if you anti immigrant, who would have built your fucking house? Nobody.

[Darren Smith]

I would have hired a black man to do it. No, but now he's out of a job.

[Adam Carolla]

Black people wouldn't put up with your shit, man.

[Darren Smith]

He's out of a job now because.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop it. You're being facetious.

[Darren Smith]

I'm anti immigrant and I'm pro.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're not. You hate black people.

[Darren Smith]

I don't. I disagree with them. I don't like their kind, but I don't hate them.

[Adam Carolla]

Equity. Darius, tell everybody who was your one black friend? That Adam told me.

[Unknown Male Guest]

When?

[Adam Carolla]

The first time I came over his house.

[Brian Bishop]

Man, you remind me of Darrell Jenkins. That was my bro, you know, like we had a high top. He works at Kinko's now.

[Andy Kindler]

Find that picture of me with Henry or James Boyd. Don't tell me.

[Game Show Host]

I don't like.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes he'd come over to my crib

[Adam Carolla]

when my mom was tripping.

[Brian Bishop]

And we just like, you know, like,

[Andy Kindler]

be like, hey, bro, there I am.

[Allison Rosen]

You look very comfortable.

[Andy Kindler]

My best friend. I slept at his house.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't look comfortable.

[Andy Kindler]

The black dude is like, come on, Henry. Or James would punch you in the

[Darren Smith]

face if he was alive or here today or not.

[Andy Kindler]

Is he not alive? No.

[Darren Smith]

I think they got into law enforcement, actually. You know, one side or the other.

[Andy Kindler]

Henry and James there were brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what.

[Darren Smith]

Played pop World football with them.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to put this away.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, see, we were cute, but you never found him.

[Andy Kindler]

Now, I think when we're doing the radio once, Henry called up, and I think we're working.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you have just one big window instead of two little itty bitty windows?

[Darren Smith]

That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's some whole action between the windows. You can't see what the fuck is going on.

[Darren Smith]

I think we're running some chases through there. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

For someone whose childhood was not the happiest, you managed to always take happy photos.

[Darren Smith]

I took. I made big smiles when people pulled out cameras because I thought that's what you're supposed to do when somebody pulled out a camera.

[Adam Carolla]

But you don't remember back in the

[Andy Kindler]

day, people yelled at you, yeah, get over there.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you fucking smile. No, Adam, smile.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

God damn it. Okay, now take the picture.

[Darren Smith]

Smile. When somebody took a picture, like, that was the whole thing. They go, 1, 2, 3, and you go, yes. And that's into it.

[Allison Rosen]

Now everyone's gonna push on, browbeat you.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Everybody might say they yell at you because there are a whole series of pictures of me, like, frowning because my brother would do shit, like, punch me right in my head, like, yeah, punk.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. Now where.

[Adam Carolla]

Punk. He's. He's still there.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Still.

[Darren Smith]

He's still in Detroit, but he's still.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. He lives in San Francisco. Oh, let's do something. It's all about you.

[Allison Rosen]

Oprah Winfrey.

[Adam Carolla]

My father told everybody, you can kiss my ass.

[Darren Smith]

You can remember when he went to San Francisco to get laid? Let's be honest, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Bought a water bed.

[Darren Smith]

Let's be honest. He went there to. He died a shiki in a waterbed. He wrote a book.

[Adam Carolla]

He tells me now, but it's. He tells me me now is like going about the orgies.

[Darren Smith]

And I'm telling you, he went there

[Allison Rosen]

to get hearing about that. Now, I don't ever want to.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Really.

[Darren Smith]

I just. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my. My father's older Now I've seen his ass. I don't want to look at him. Like, right. One time we were out and it was awesome. My father was there and he was hitting on this lesbian the whole night.

[Darren Smith]

He turns me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, he turns me, goes, so when's the orgy? And I was like, okay, back in 72, motherfucker. I mean, what's wrong with you?

[Darren Smith]

What a life. Your dad.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to go to an orgy with your father? That's sexual abuse.

[Darren Smith]

Leaves Detroit, goes to San Francisco, 1966. Writes like an angry black dude book, which we have.

[Andy Kindler]

We have that book, Black Rage.

[Darren Smith]

Black Rage. Writes black rage and then just fucks white children, chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not white chicks, anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Just lesbians.

[Darren Smith]

Anything that comes through that right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's doing a lot of San Francisco. He had this big ass apartment now.

[Darren Smith]

What do you think he was telling your mom? I mean, they wrote it.

[Adam Carolla]

He wrote it. It was. No, he wrote a Dear John. Look, it's not gonna work. She went out there. It's a long story, but she went out there, they found all this, like, a house and all the stuff. She came home, he wrote a check and look, I'm up out of here.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Boop.

[Adam Carolla]

And that was it. But he was free.

[Darren Smith]

Your dad just really wanted to fuck, right? Is that.

[Adam Carolla]

He was 40 years old, man. I have pictures like a family vacation, which I had the most fun in my life. And we're like, if we smile any broader, our faces will crack. And I see my father, he looks like a fugitive. He's just in the family dynamic, just like frowning. And I can see it now when I'm an adult. But back in the day, I was like, yeah, there he is.

[Darren Smith]

There's William.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you hogging.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not smiling.

[Brian Bishop]

No, you ain't supposed to smile.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, but he could.

[Andy Kindler]

He definitely got laid.

[Darren Smith]

Probably off of this book, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Hell, yeah.

[Darren Smith]

Two black psychiatrists.

[Adam Carolla]

It will be as soon as we do. Going right back on ebay.

[Darren Smith]

Tell it as it is in the first book. To reveal the full dimensions of their inner conflict and the depression of the black man's life in America as an

[Adam Carolla]

African American black rage. Yeah, I'm angry. You know what I mean?

[Darren Smith]

Tell your.

[Adam Carolla]

There's only one black president. You know, why weren't they not 30 something? But back to you, Alison. They finish your name. What's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

Oprah Winfrey's network, own is venturing into scripted programming and has made a deal with, you know, Tyler Perry.

[Andy Kindler]

Bang.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, who could ever seen that coming?

[Allison Rosen]

The produce, write and Direct two series for the cable network to premiere next year.

[Darren Smith]

We gotta see House of Pain. House of Pain 2.House of Mo.

[Adam Carolla]

Pain.

[Darren Smith]

Let me say this.

[Andy Kindler]

Oprah.

[Darren Smith]

Oprah is what you call an enabler because she is taking this guy as a hack of a writer. Tyler Perry's a horrible writer. He is fucking horrible writer.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he is the most profitable African American filmmaker ever.

[Darren Smith]

You gotta talk to black people about this guy because it's racist what they're doing with him. Like, we got to support our own. I said it's racist.

[Adam Carolla]

What who's doing to him?

[Darren Smith]

Black community is doing to Tyler Perry.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the Adam Sandler of our. What's the difference? Adam Sandler.

[Andy Kindler]

He's even horrible movies.

[Darren Smith]

No, he makes worse.

[Andy Kindler]

Adam is trying to talk to the

[Allison Rosen]

white people about that.

[Andy Kindler]

Okay, who is the worst?

[Adam Carolla]

What are the worst?

[Darren Smith]

Well, Sandler's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, I like Adam. I mean, I'm just saying.

[Andy Kindler]

Well, that's what I said.

[Brian Bishop]

Worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no. Who's the dude who died?

[Brian Bishop]

The guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember Ernest Goes to Camp? I mean, was that Jim Varney? Jim.

[Darren Smith]

I mean, that's another lifetime. I don't hang right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is that? The Jim Varney of the double.

[Darren Smith]

I would say it is the. It is blue collar comedy crew. Like, if you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Darren Smith]

It's. It's Larry the Cable Guy, God bless him.

[Adam Carolla]

I know Larry the Cable Guy.

[Darren Smith]

Sad. And I guess you're right. Whitey supports them, but love him. But you guys don't have a big enough percentage, you know? You know what I mean? Like, see, apparently we do.

[Adam Carolla]

The Formula's working, man. $8 trillion every time he drops. He produced my next movie. God bless you. Tyler Perry is a genius.

[Darren Smith]

What are blacks 10% of the population? It feels like a lot, but. Oh, 17. Because it feels like it's in the 40s.

[Adam Carolla]

No, 17.

[Darren Smith]

17, yeah. That much. I didn't know you guys were up that high.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andy Kindler]

All right, so you're that.

[Darren Smith]

And then, I don't know, Whitey's 50% or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

32.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, man, I gotta go.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Canada.

[Adam Carolla]

Mexican, Hispanic, eduardo Ecuadorian is 73%.

[Darren Smith]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

In this country. They all in the cracks, the creases, man, everywhere.

[Darren Smith]

Anyway, Tyler's a horrible writer and his movies depict a large black woman threatening violence constantly.

[Adam Carolla]

Some people eat a lot.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, threatening violence.

[Adam Carolla]

Peanut was offended.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, never mind. She was like, she's gonna shoot everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so realistic. Give me my kids ring.

[Darren Smith]

She's gonna kick the shit out of everybody and everyone Is like, oh, that's awesome. And then Oprah brings one likes a fucking hero for depicting these black characters. And these are violent black characters. And what are they supposed to do?

[Adam Carolla]

You guys get to do everything. I saw that fucking Batman movie, which was a piece of shit. If there was one more fucking monologue. I was so angry.

[Darren Smith]

I don't like it either.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'll tell you what, what a wonderful movie viewing experience. I went to see the Batman in imax.

[Darren Smith]

Nobody talked.

[Adam Carolla]

It was the anti black people film. This dude gingerly stepped over my coat.

[Brian Bishop]

I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, sorry, bro. I'm gonna send you a text to give you a formal apology. And nobody. No cell phones, nothing. It was just nerds.

[Darren Smith]

Wait. Oh, Magic Johnson builds an iMaxes.

[Adam Carolla]

Batman was a horrible movie. You did you guys like that?

[Darren Smith]

I don't like all that.

[Adam Carolla]

Before we go on, let me tell you why, Adam. I was born in a different time. Yeah, My father knew your father's father, who taught him with a samurai sword. He looked like Liam Neeson. I don't know why. But then he was killed and he chose your father's father.

[Darren Smith]

I got 10 minutes into that and I said, listen, I gotta watch SportsCenter.

[Brian Bishop]

It was horrible.

[Andy Kindler]

I agree.

[Darren Smith]

Go to my PC. That's something. That's not horrible. How about you try to go to my PC? Plenty of people got a PC.

[Brian Bishop]

Not black men.

[Adam Carolla]

That's angry from reading Black Rage.

[Andy Kindler]

Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix.

[Darren Smith]

Now listen, your dad would not approve of that. Connect your laptop, your iPad, your iPhone, or you go right to your office. Mac or PC, doesn't matter. You can get to your computer at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Say what? I got this new iPhone, man.

[Darren Smith]

They got an app for that. You get it right to your computer phone. Right to your computer from your phone. Access, edit, save any program, file or document from anywhere.

[Andy Kindler]

You is special.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, come on. This is good stuff. 45 day free trial. Free trial. 45 days.

[Adam Carolla]

45 days.

[Darren Smith]

Is that making you tired?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't have. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah. 45 day free trial.

[Andy Kindler]

Only if you use the promo code.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam coming in the house.

[Darren Smith]

Need that lid.

[Brian Bishop]

Estradonal visit.

[Darren Smith]

Go to my PC.com, click on the Try it free button. And remember to use the promo code amp. All right, come on, give us some. Give us some of those.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what people are.

[Andy Kindler]

I love that one.

[Allison Rosen]

Nuh. They love it.

[Darren Smith]

It's the greatest thing ever. It's the best it's dag.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. I gotta figure this. Lavonogesterol.

[Darren Smith]

Levonorgestrel.

[Adam Carolla]

Levonorgesterol Estradio.

[Darren Smith]

No gesture.

[Adam Carolla]

Living in the jesterol. I'm coming home from work. Cause your teacher just called, said you walked out of class. Mama, look at me. Don't make me raise my boys. I'm at work right now. Leaving the Dusterol.

[Brian Bishop]

Leave it at that.

[Adam Carolla]

If I hang this phone up, that's your ass. Now be home leaving the death's roll. I'm a whoop your ass if I have to leave work early again. I'm not going back to the precinct.

[Brian Bishop]

Leaving the desero L E V O N A G E S T E R O L Listen to me and

[Adam Carolla]

you do what you. You do what's right. Okay? Mama loves you. I'll see you at 12 midnight. Bye. That was a long long.

[Brian Bishop]

Not just one for the progesterone. Wait a minute.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

You didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta. Desogestrel.

[Darren Smith]

These are all birth control.

[Adam Carolla]

Desogestrel. Desogestrel.

[Brian Bishop]

From the pork desogrel.

[Adam Carolla]

Come and give Mama a hug. You are my baby boy. I'm gonna put a big star on your head. Somebody got three Ds and an incomplete happy day.

[Brian Bishop]

Look at you. King for a day. King for a day. King for a day.

[Andy Kindler]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your big brother. Give him a hug.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that report. At least you brought it home.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for you.

[Brian Bishop]

Good for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody going to eighth grade. Somebody going to eighth grade.

[Brian Bishop]

Love you.

[Adam Carolla]

Give Mama hug.

[O'Reilly Auto Parts Announcer]

Okay.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, dang. All right, one more.

[Adam Carolla]

One more.

[Darren Smith]

Esther Donald.

[Adam Carolla]

Esther Donald. Wait a minute. Where's Esther Donald? That's not in there.

[Darren Smith]

Esther.

[Allison Rosen]

Second top.

[Adam Carolla]

Esther Dahl. You know Esther. Esther from the porch.

[Darren Smith]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Esther Dahl. I need to talk to you. Mama gotta talk to you now. This is a big step you're taking. It's your second wedding. Let's not act up this time, okay? Let's think of two things, honey. Cause I love you. A princess. Today you dial 91 1. What do we learn? That's public. People gonna hear how you talk on 911.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Work it out. If it's not too much blood, clean it up. Going back to your life. Okay. Number two. Number two. Always hit him first.

[Brian Bishop]

Love you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, see you at the reception, everybody.

[Darren Smith]

Dagaroni. Let's bring the news home.

[Allison Rosen]

Back. The news. I'm Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hating for our. Did you just say I'm a.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I didn't.

[Game Show Host]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Darren Smith]

All right. Black rage. Name is book. You can get it from Amazon. Click through the site. Go to. Huh.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not impressive.

[Darren Smith]

They gotta have it. If you go on Amazon, you Click through this AdamCroll.com you hit the banner and you buy Black Rage because.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, I said zip it, cunt.

[Darren Smith]

It just sound that way. Madhouse Comedy Club, San Diego, October 5th, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

San Diego.

[Brian Bishop]

Who is a full football player.

[Adam Carolla]

That was that on your show, remember? He was huge then. What was his name? He was dating. He dated.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Oh, Sean Merriman.

[Adam Carolla]

Sean Merriman. Is he still in the league? Lights out of the Real nice guy. He was a nice guy, man.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

He was a nice.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, man. Yeah, Sean.

[Brian Bishop]

Love you, brother.

[Darren Smith]

Dating Tila. Tia. Tequila.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Darren Smith]

That could never end. I can't believe you know only six customer reviews. We got do better than that on Black Rage. Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys, Adam Carola's people. White guy from Washington State, please read that book. I would like to Hear your review.

[Darren Smith]

October 5th through the 7th at Madhouse Comedy Club.

[Andy Kindler]

By the way, what are we doing next week, man? Orlando Improv. October 12th, 14th, Buck Wild. And you can Twitter him at. David.

[Adam Carolla]

Tweet.

[Darren Smith]

Tweet him.

[Andy Kindler]

It says Twitter here. That's.

[Darren Smith]

That's why I say it every time.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the Facebook tweet.

[Andy Kindler]

Tweet.

[Adam Carolla]

Facebook.

[Darren Smith]

Yeah, right.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

I love.

[Darren Smith]

No, no, it says Twitter. That's what I always say. Tweet him. David Allen Greer is where you tweet him. And the food blog. Chocolate glutton, baby. Calm. All right, so until next time, Sam Coral for.

[Adam Carolla]

Dang, man. This stuff is horrible.

[Darren Smith]

Oh, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Grape juice with corn liquor. Second nasty.

[Darren Smith]

Second cop. Affordable.

[Andy Kindler]

Abraham.

[Adam Carolla]

David, can I get into go Cup?

[Darren Smith]

I'll get you sippy cup.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, cool.

[Darren Smith]

Dave. I'll get you Chalice.

[Brian Bishop]

I know how you love you out of Palola.

[Adam Carolla]

How you kids doing, man?

[Darren Smith]

They're good. They're good. You got to come by good. Come by and see everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Come on by.

[Adam Carolla]

You still at the same crib?

[Darren Smith]

So until next time, Adam Crowford for David.

[Andy Kindler]

Allison Rose and Ball.

[Darren Smith]

Bryan.

[Andy Kindler]

Oh, wait, where was Paul? Brian's.

[Darren Smith]

We're going to have a point.

[Brian Bishop]

Do it.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

We'll do it tomorrow.

[Andy Kindler]

All right, so, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Love you, baby.

[Darren Smith]

Until next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Mahala, you look so beautiful. I would like to play with your dirty pillows.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Coloso, 925 with the legendary Dag in the studio. That does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for

[Andy Kindler]

an all new installment.

[Podcast Host Giovanni]

Until then, mahalo. And get it on.

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Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Darren Smith]

Fantastic.

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The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Shut up Titanic.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm the king of the world.

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And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Brian Bishop]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

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[Darren Smith]

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[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

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Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

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Shut up Titanic.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm the king of the world.

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And so much more. For show times press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Brian Bishop]

That is so fast on Pluto TV

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stream now pay Never.