David Alan Grier + Artie Lange (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show – "David Alan Grier + Artie Lange (Carolla Classics)"

Release Date: July 26, 2025

In this episode of the Adam Carolla Show, archived as part of the "Carolla Classics" series, host Adam Carolla reconnects with intertwined stories and humorous exchanges featuring David Alan Grier and Artie Lange. Filmed live in 2015 at Carla’s on Broadway, the episode delves into celebrity encounters, personal anecdotes, and sharp social commentary, all delivered with Carolla's signature unfiltered humor.

---

1. Celebrity Encounters and Anecdotes

Experiences with Ben Kingsley and Kevin Costner

Adam Carolla shares a memorable experience from the Upfronts event, highlighting his interaction with legendary actor Sir Ben Kingsley. Amidst the bustling scene, Carolla notices Kingsley sitting alone, prompting him to offer some stage advice.

• Quote [07:56]:
  Adam Carolla: "Listen to me when I'm talking to you... you're gonna kill yourself out there."

Despite his attempt to coach Kingsley, the interaction doesn't go as planned, leading to a humorous twist where Kingsley's response leaves Carolla exasperated.

Additionally, Carolla recounts a casual weekend spent with Kevin Costner, emphasizing the relaxed and humorous dynamic between them.

---

2. Molly the Dog: Escapades and Mishaps

Molly's Great Escape

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Carolla's beloved dog, Molly, and her adventurous escapades. From escaping the yard to causing chaos in the neighborhood, Molly's antics provide a backdrop for jokes and relatable pet-owner frustrations.

• Quote [26:00]:
  Adam Carolla: "She escapes from Jimmy's yard... She's running around. There's no sidewalks or anything."

Molly's escape leads to a series of comedic events, including Carolla's frantic search and the eventual discovery of her in a neighbor's yard. The story touches on themes of pet safety and the humorous challenges of dog ownership.

Molly's Health Scare

Carolla also shares a lighter yet poignant moment regarding Molly's health, discussing a vet visit and the emotional impact of her condition.

• Quote [41:25]:
  Adam Carolla: "They tried to save half her ear... She had ear cancer."

This segment blends humor with heartfelt concern, showcasing Carolla's deep affection for his pet.

---

3. Social Commentary: The Suppression of Boys' Natural Behaviors

A Rant on Over-Regulation and Its Impact on Boys

One of the standout segments of the episode is Carolla's impassioned rant about societal restrictions imposed on boys, arguing that many innate behaviors are being unjustly criminalized or suppressed.

• Quote [26:00]:
  Adam Carolla: "It's ingrained in our DNA to tackle other boys... We've decided that everything they do is bad and must be eliminated."

Carolla critiques modern educational and social systems for overprotecting young males, leading to issues like lack of physical activity and emotional repression. He humorously compares current school policies to extreme measures, suggesting that banning natural play leads to unintended negative consequences.

• Quote [45:00]:
  Bald Brian: "I'm nuts for not getting a... Yeah."

This segment resonates with listeners who share concerns about the balance between safety and allowing children to develop naturally through play and interaction.

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4. Humorous Exchanges and Caller Interactions

Light-Hearted Banter and Jokes

Throughout the episode, Carolla, along with his co-hosts Joe Coy and Bald Brian, engage in witty exchanges and respond to caller questions. Topics range from personal mishaps to exaggerated comedic scenarios, maintaining the show's lively and irreverent tone.

• Quote [74:27]:
  Adam Carolla: "Nicki Minaj... I want her to get into an arm bar before I come."

The trio navigates through various humorous and sometimes edgy topics, ensuring that the conversation remains entertaining and fast-paced.

Discussions on Media and Pop Culture

The hosts also touch upon pop culture references, including mentions of celebrities like Bjork and Ronda Rousey, blending these discussions with personal anecdotes and jokes.

• Quote [114:35]:
  Adam Carolla: "There's nothing better than a two parter from the back of the room."

These segments highlight the hosts' ability to intertwine current events with personal humor, appealing to a broad audience.

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5. Closing Remarks and Promotions

As the episode winds down, Carolla and his co-hosts briefly address upcoming shows and promotions, staying true to the show's format without delving into lengthy advertisements.

• Quote [165:00]:
  Adam Carolla: "Chubbysshorts.com. Use the code Chabrola."

This final segment wraps up the episode, leaving listeners with information about future events and promotional offers.

---

Conclusion

This "Carolla Classics" episode offers a blend of celebrity stories, personal humor, and social commentary, all delivered with Adam Carolla's unfiltered style. From unforgettable interactions with Ben Kingsley and Kevin Costner to heartfelt tales about his dog Molly, the episode provides a comprehensive look into the host's life and viewpoints. The lively banter with co-hosts and callers ensures that both long-time fans and new listeners find the content engaging and relatable.

Notable Quotes:

1. Adam Carolla [07:56]: "Listen to me when I'm talking to you... you're gonna kill yourself out there."
2. Adam Carolla [26:00]: "It's ingrained in our DNA to tackle other boys... We've decided that everything they do is bad and must be eliminated."
3. Adam Carolla [41:25]: "They tried to save half her ear... She had ear cancer."
4. Bald Brian [45:00]: "I'm nuts for not getting a... Yeah."
5. Adam Carolla [74:27]: "Nicki Minaj... I want her to get into an arm bar before I come."

This episode exemplifies the Adam Carolla Show's ability to blend humor with meaningful discussions, making it a must-listen for fans seeking both laughter and insight.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery pod that's audible.com wondery pod.

[Joe Coy]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast feed titled Cruel Classics. It's an exclusive premium feed. Through Podcast one, you can find ad.

[Adam Carolla]

Free archives for every week's Friday, Saturday.

[Joe Coy]

And Sunday episode along with the entire back catalog.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you'd like to get ad free archives of the back catalog of.

[Joe Coy]

The Adam Carlos show and the Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

And Dr. Drew show as well as.

[Joe Coy]

Exclusive access to the brand new podcast Be It Out. Make sure to check out Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcola.com let's get to the clips. Come up. First, we have Adam Carolla Show 1525. This one features Artie Lang, David Alan Greer. This one's from 2015 live from Caroline's on Broadway.

[Joe Coy]

Truly classic episode. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

David allengreer.net I bought the.com oh, you got it yesterday.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I just purchased it.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for you. Well, you know how much it run you?

[Joe Coy]

Not too much. But you know what happened was originally when someone else had it, if you want to get into this, they tried to stick me for a lot of money for it. So that's why I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they buy up all the names of people that they think are going to pop later on when they're disappointed that they own Adam corolla.com that's what happened. It was so common already lying.com they're like all right, now it's dealing days. Oh wait, wait.

[Joe Coy]

They contact me, say hey man, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Got more from Pam Greer.

[Joe Coy]

Well, I couldn't know it was Mr. David Alan or Sir David Allen you.

[Bald Brian]

Want to hear controversy? Me and Jessica Lang's lawyer are going at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that cunt. Speaking of. Anyway, you don't call her lawyer a cunt. Gloria is a fine, fine woman.

[Bald Brian]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're talking about. Okay. Sorry. Speaking of. Sir.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I was at the upfronts yesterday for the spike up fronts. Oh, and by the way, how do.

[Bald Brian]

You get into that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. You gotta blow a donkey.

[Bald Brian]

Let's take a fifth row. No guy's choice award.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, listen to me. The upfronts is the advertising thing that the network does before all the. They parade all this, you know, C list celebrities out there. They feign enthusiasm for season three of their piece of show. You know, we do a show where we sneak in and redecorate the whole living space. It's called while you were gay, and I'm. Have you heard this take over for Lance Bass this year?

[Joe Coy]

A whole new direction.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a whole new direction. Right? Forget about what we really are.

[Joe Coy]

This whole direction.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do the whole. So you got to do the whole, you know, dog and pony show for them. And I've done it a million times. You guys. You guys all done it, right? Absolutely. All right. Couple of things. Hanging out with my new main man Kevin Costner a couple weekends ago. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I needed a little more juice. I need a domain name that couldn't be purchased. You know what I mean, from what was in the ashtray if you're vega. So I was hanging with Costner, and I said to him, I. I'm out of town next week. I got to New York. I got to do the upfronts. And he said, what are those? And I said, how awesome. You ride a horse for a living.

[Joe Coy]

He owns a town.

[Adam Carolla]

I was there. Yeah, I was in the town.

[Joe Coy]

Pretty. That's pretty awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you don't have a lot going on.

[Bald Brian]

Children is when you're leaving town for the Oscar weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You would own Artyville, so not a big deal. You guys, you make fun of Spike, but sir. Oh, well, now I'm spacing on his name. Yell out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sir Ben Kingsley. Yeah. Sir Ben Kingsley was at the up front, all right. And he was lonely. You can see me talking to him back there now. I don't throw around the word delighted. Wow. That. That off of it. If you look at his face. Oh, my God, the man is clearly smitten. Was that really a pretty big fan of the podcast? I mean, he. So Ben Kingsley is Backstage, we're showing the picture. You go to AdamCroll.com you can see.

[Bald Brian]

It looks like Ray Rice's wife after the elevator.

[Joe Coy]

We all remember that. She knocked herself out, by the way. She knocked herself out.

[Bald Brian]

What kind of a wedding was that? After he knocked her out, she married him. Like, the wedding was like, he had a best man, she had a cut man.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Joe Coy]

He got her flip flops. I mean, remember that. Let me get your flip flops, baby.

[Bald Brian]

Try to crowbar a joke in there.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll work nicely, but let's not do it again. No, do as much you want. I got all nice.

[Bald Brian]

I got a great Ben Cumberbatch story. I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

So. I'm with Sir Ben Kingsley. Yes. And I take a knee. And the reason he's got that look on his face. He's sitting there all alone, just him and his publicist. And everyone else is bopping around LL Cool J and the Rock. And everybody else is around the Rock.

[Joe Coy]

The Rock was there.

[Adam Carolla]

The Rock was there. I said, by the way, Ben Kingsley, you guys challenged me on this. Ben, we got Ben Kingsley backstage and LL Cool J, right? Is there anybody who doesn't land in between those two guys on the planet? Maybe Truman Capote, like in high school, but I don't think so, right? Everyone who raise your hand if you don't think you land in between LL Cool J and Sir Ben Kingsley.

[Joe Coy]

So, by the way, a lot of people are raising their hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Joe Coy]

If you were here, you'd see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, So I. I go down there and I take a knee, and I'm going to coach him up, right? So I just. Because he's sitting there, Al, and I think, no one's talking to this guy. And I bet he'd like it if somebody came up and spoke. Apparently not.

[Bald Brian]

Direct opposite.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I should have thought that. No, you're right. I should have thought the opposite. So I went down there and I said, listen, Ben, you're gonna get up on stage. You're probably pretty nervous.

[Bald Brian]

Listen, Ben.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, take from a guy, sir, who's been on stage quite a bit. All right? I've traveled these United States. I've been on stage quite a bit. Now, let me give you a couple pointers. So he just sat there, and I said, now listen. Look out over the horizon. Don't establish eye contact. You establish eye contact. It'll throw you off your game. Listen to me when I'm talking to you. And he says. He pauses for a long time, and he, like, quietly says, I'm Going to focus on the blond in the front row. And I said, hey man, it's your funeral. It's your funeral.

[Joe Coy]

That's British funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been on stage, you understand. You're new to this game.

[Bald Brian]

That's a good gun king.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no one knows what he really sounds like because he's always playing somebody like what Sasha Baron Cohen really sound like. I could be doing him right now.

[Joe Coy]

He's an amazing man, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So I get down and I tell him, listen, I know you're going to be a bundle of nerves up there. You probably haven't been on stage before. Just trust me. And he goes, I'm going to focus on the blonde. And I said, you're gonna kill yourself out there, Benny. Focus on the horizon. Take it from the ace, man.

[Joe Coy]

It's not good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he literally shot me. That was the look he was giving me while I was coaching him up.

[Joe Coy]

Adam, before we go any further, I. My, my, you finger here is swollen all to be damned if there's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Doctor in the house. Dag, how many times I told you about finger blasting? Verges, look out.

[Joe Coy]

This is serious.

[Adam Carolla]

How many blow up warnings? How many times before I could tell you the Hyman, you know what I mean?

[Joe Coy]

Apparently it does. It's really swollen. So if there's a doctor in the house, could you.

[Adam Carolla]

I got you lubed for Christmas.

[Joe Coy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And an 18 year old, but you wouldn't listen.

[Joe Coy]

I'm serious. I'm trying to make it to.

[Adam Carolla]

What did you do?

[Joe Coy]

I don't know. It's an ingrown tone. Fingernail. That's what the black dude told me backstage.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know, bro. Go ahead. Do you have an earthquake? It was in my dressing room.

[Joe Coy]

Earthquake.

[Adam Carolla]

Junior tremor.

[Bald Brian]

Earthquake.

[Adam Carolla]

Earthquake.

[Bald Brian]

Earthquake. The comedian has my favorite punchline in the history of stand up comedy. When John Kerry was running for president and you know he's married to Teresa Hines, the fucking chick with the condiments.

[Adam Carolla]

She owns the ketchup.

[Bald Brian]

When he goes, why would you want to fucking work at all if you were married to Theresa Hines? Man, If I was married to Theresa Hines. You want to be president? Be president. Shit, my bitch own ketchup every time a nigga order french fries. Ka ching.

[Adam Carolla]

Your earthquake is better than my Ben Kingsley.

[Bald Brian]

What isn't?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. Okay. All right.

[Joe Coy]

The truth comes out.

[Adam Carolla]

Payback time. I got you.

[Bald Brian]

We're talking to a master, by the way, sketch. You know a guy who does impressions.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, don't call Dave Master. He doesn't like that.

[Joe Coy]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Trudges up a lot of bad memories. He's a little older. No, don't even shorten it.

[Joe Coy]

Listen, I gotta work on my new stuff for Friday. Hey, guys, did anybody see that Netanyahu speech? That was crazy. I mean, I. I'm still sketching it out.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that needs work.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an area.

[Bald Brian]

I can never vote for Barack Obama. Not because of anything racial. Just because I'm a convicted felon, I can't vote.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Coy]

Very pragmatic. Very pragmatic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we take a few questions from the audience? I feel like it's time to put.

[Joe Coy]

The audience right to the crowd work.

[Adam Carolla]

Post it to a stop. Damn, man.

[Joe Coy]

You were, like, five minutes up top and right to the crowd work, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, we can. We can.

[Bald Brian]

Well, we're mailing this one. It's 11 bucks for a Rolling Rock. We went to questions.

[Joe Coy]

By the way, Rolling Rock is a fine beer.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you. You're right about that. I'm not gonna argue.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm out of Ben Kingsley stories. Does anybody have a question from out in the audience? You can. You can shout it out right here. Yes. Oh, you're gonna get me in a lot of trouble on the Internet if I commit between Hungarian goulash.

[Bald Brian]

Is this an inside joke or inside podcast joke?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I love goulash. Oh, okay. I miss goulash. Grandfather used to make a goulash.

[Bald Brian]

It is good. It's done properly.

[Adam Carolla]

Check goulash. Sounds like. Like a. A European gay porn superstar like you ever work with. Check goulash. Best power, bottom bar, none in the game. Total pro. Always with the handset.

[Bald Brian]

I open for him at Crackers in Indianapolis.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever work with Chula? He came in season eight after you left already.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know the difference between the Hungarian and the Czech goulash.

[Joe Coy]

Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, You're a foodie.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I know the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the difference?

[Joe Coy]

Well, Hungarian is, you know, where the goulash was really invented. That's really.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Joe Coy]

That's like having mofongo and, you know, Puerto Rico.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I can. I can tell you that the.

[Bald Brian]

My own ketchup.

[Joe Coy]

Nobody's with me.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a joke I can sell to Earthquake. Although I don't know if it's going to translate the very first joke I ever told. And some would argue I haven't started yet. But when I was seven years old, I was at my grandpa's house. Laszlo Gorag, who made the goulash. And I said to him, what does goulash mean in Hungarian? He said, is this like a cowboy? Cowboy suit. Soup. Cowboy soup. So what, they would make out on the open range a cowboy soup. And I said, oh, so when you're a little kid, did you play goulash and Indians?

[Bald Brian]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a joke for a seven year old.

[Bald Brian]

Absolutely. Better than anything we've said right now.

[Joe Coy]

Say that again. I missed it.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I didn't. Oh, there he is. There's. There's me.

[Bald Brian]

Is that Ben Kingsley?

[Adam Carolla]

And you. The same look that looks like you.

[Bald Brian]

And the most interesting man in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that is. That's Laszlo Gorag. That's my adopted grandfather. Yeah, well, the problem with this is people. He was a writer by trade. He made a. He made a living just writing like, you know, bonanza scripts and, you know, crazy, you know, 50s and 60s. Well, he wrote.

[Bald Brian]

That's money though, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was. He was nominated for Academy Award for a movie that no one's ever heard of. And then he wrote the Mole People and that's kind of his legacy.

[Joe Coy]

But was he ever nominated for a Tony?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. He didn't lose three times either. Oh, wow. Well, no, you can't lose if you're not nominated. That's right. Quick sidebar.

[Joe Coy]

Neil Patrick Harris was horrible at the Oscars this year, guys.

[Bald Brian]

Do you really think that?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it was boring. It takes balls.

[Bald Brian]

Because he's one of those guys who's protected by political correctness.

[Adam Carolla]

He is. He.

[Joe Coy]

Well, he had all the gay stuff, you know.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I was on the road. Literally on the road, driving from a gig to a gig. And I. I saw a lot of comics tweeting out that he was not that funny. Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you could tell he had the Broadway chops, but not the comedy chops.

[Joe Coy]

Well, the writers let him down. I don't want to attack them, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, he did almost no Ben Kingsley material and zero goulash jokes. Forget Czech versus Hungarian. So I was pretty devast.

[Bald Brian]

What's wrong with this generation or what's weird about it? He played a womanizer Neil Patrick Harris on How I met your mother. It's more believable. He was a child doctor on Doogie Hower.

[Joe Coy]

It is true. You know, it's even more unbelievable than that.

[Bald Brian]

He's this generation's James Khan. I don't get that part. I mean, because it's very politically correct, you know, that you need a guy who's gay to Be a womanizer now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

What's wrong with that? Dude?

[Adam Carolla]

Couldn't be a woman officer now.

[Joe Coy]

You know, it's even weirder. Bruce Jenner just announced he still plans on dating women once he transitions.

[Adam Carolla]

What? How does that.

[Joe Coy]

I'm not making this up. He said he. You know. What, Are you nuts? When he's gonna become a woman, by.

[Adam Carolla]

The way, can I.

[Joe Coy]

So, gals, get ready.

[Bald Brian]

He's gonna have a. He's gonna have a chick eat him out. How? Dude, I don't moan. He's the one who did it. I'm the asshole. I kept my cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Enjoy the nachos. Yeah, I'd like to lose my cock, too, but trade up, you know what I mean? I want to get a black, not turn into a woman. Yeah, like, get earthquakes cock. You know what I mean?

[Bald Brian]

I'd love Will Chamberlain's cock if he was giving out organs. I'd love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's next to Walt Disney's head.

[Bald Brian]

Larry Bertinelli.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what are he saying?

[Joe Coy]

Is we Respect versus Journey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No, we do. But here's the thing. Here's what worries me, Bruce. He's. He's what, 65? 61. 63. I don't know. Well, the good news is women live seven times longer. So he just went from like, 79 to 85 and a half.

[Bald Brian]

You know, I think he's so nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's his game. I need a break on my car insurance, and I want to live in exercise. Seven years.

[Bald Brian]

I think he's so crazy. From those Kardashian broads. Women have driven him so crazy. He's like, if you can't beat him, join him. I'll just get a.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But anyway, hold on.

[Bald Brian]

I'm nuts for not getting a. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's my question, and here's what's scary. So he is, what, 64? 65.

[Joe Coy]

I think he's 65.

[Adam Carolla]

62. All right, bastard. Let's have this guy removed. It's a trick question.

[Joe Coy]

Mr. Noid all over.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, 62 and a half.

[Bald Brian]

Every Mr. I have an iPhone.

[Adam Carolla]

And everybody Sagittarius, everybody in this.

[Bald Brian]

He's got Bruce Jenner, Tourette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Las.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, two gold medals.

[Adam Carolla]

Big fan. Well, first off, he should get together with Chaz Bono, right? Like, that's a power couple.

[Bald Brian]

And I have a kid that looks like me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We'll name him Baz. You know, well, that'll be their power couple name. But all I'm saying is this. Yes. What's a Little bit scary to me is he's 62, I'm 50, and he had this idea about nine months ago. So there's. There's plenty of time for all of us. Plenty of time for all of us to wake up one morning not feeling quite ourselves.

[Joe Coy]

Adam, it's David.

[Bald Brian]

I could just see.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, can you ask Artie to call me too, please?

[Bald Brian]

I think the Kardashian house drives you nuts if you're a guy. I could just, like, in other words, like, Lamar Odom lived there for a few years. He started smoking crack, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And I could see Lamar Odom and. And Bruce Jenner meeting in the kitchen of that house of horrors at like 3am and Lamar saying, bruce, look, dude, I'm going nuts. These chicks are driving me crazy. I'm smoking crack. And like, an awkward pause and Jenner goes, dude, wait till you hear what I'm up to.

[Joe Coy]

Is that the choice titties or crack pipe?

[Adam Carolla]

That is. That's about it. Yeah. I mean, if you're in the Kardashian. Yeah. Like, I feel like if I moved into that house for nine months, eventually I'd start spotting, like, my period. I'd begin a period that would eventually sync up with everybody else's. You know what I mean? Like, oh, so I'm not wearing my khakis today. I. I think that's possible, right?

[Joe Coy]

I don't know medically, but this finger. My you finger is so swollen. It's really swollen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyways, save it for Bruce after he makes it. Okay. All right. Yes. We have another question over here that's not goulash related. And drink all your craft beers at a party. Oh, I. I'd be rip shit at those guys, except for that's me. I bring the. The natural light where the can is so sun blasted, the label doesn't read anymore.

[Joe Coy]

The skunky beer.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that? Just something silver. No, no, that's. That was natural light in 89 90. You know where. And then. Then I do the power lap around the house. Where's this go? Where's this go? Where's this go? I brought beer. I brought beer. Where's this go? I used to go to Kimmel's every Sunday for football. I brought beer. Where's this go? Maybe the fridge. Douchebag. I don't know. Toilet tank upstairs in a kid's room. Probably the fridge. And then I would go put it in the fridge, and then I would rape the shit out of a Sierra Nevada that he had and his kegerator and by the way, Artie said something on stage that cracked me up. And Caroline's here. One time we were laughing about it and I'll get back to kegerator, but I said froyo. And he's like, how fucking lazy are you? I can't finish the word frozen in yogurt.

[Bald Brian]

But honestly. Yeah, just the.

[Adam Carolla]

The kegerator is great. But I want to tell everyone who has a kegerator you had me at cake. There's not. It's not like someone said, come on over the Rams game's on, I got a keg. And I was like. And raider. Okay, I'll get the natty light out from under the El Camino up on blocks. Adam, didn't you. Yeah, I do. I bring the skunky shit and then I drink all the craft. The crafted stuff. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Didn't you have a motorized like cooler that your son rode over to Jimmy's house many years ago?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it was.

[Joe Coy]

He was on it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that story.

[Bald Brian]

Well, that sounds like a rich kid story.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, that story is I almost had my child removed from my house. Jimmy lived about three blocks, right? Yeah, the old house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it was fun. I'd get to watch walk over, watch football and stumble home and yak in the ivy that afternoon. But boy, I mean, when. When you know, you don't have to drive and you can just walk to your house, it's fun. Oh, I mean, literally, I brought my own lampshade because I knew I was gonna get that fucked up. I brought my dog Molly there one weekend and fucking Molly got out and I was inside wearing my eating ribs clothes. You know, Jimmy smokes a lot of stuff. You know, he smok. He's got a big like walk in smoker. I brought some freaks chews out, by the way. Anyway.

[Joe Coy]

That was worse than that ISIS sketch. That's just. Come on. Nothing funny there.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Molly. I always say, listen, anybody thinking of going to Corolla household and robbing the place, knowing I'm out on the road, you're gonna have to contend with this beast. All right?

[Joe Coy]

By the way, you laugh, Molly. Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You laugh. But you may trip over her while you're car. My. Well, you're done raping Lynette and carrying my big screen TV down the stairs. You could easily trip on this dog.

[Joe Coy]

Well, so how is doing? I haven't seen her in a few years.

[Bald Brian]

I love the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

How is she?

[Bald Brian]

The difference between living in New York and LA is in New York, New York. Sometimes New York Post will write jokes for you. Like a guy. It's a true story. A guy in the New York Post raped three of his pets, yet he, he two dogs and a parrot. True story.

[Adam Carolla]

A parrot.

[Bald Brian]

A parrot. And I said to myself, I could see the dogs are kind cute, you know, but, but a parrot. If you're going to rape an animal, why rape the one animal that could tell somebody about it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Well, he wanted to get caught.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted. And, and, and, and, and, and the guy's second mistake is when people would come over and the dog would start barking. He'd say, I don't know what he's saying, but I can tell you what he's not saying. He's, he's not saying he was raped earlier. If I spoke dog and I understood barking, there's no way he would be barking. I was not raped earlier this afternoon after I'd eaten a Salisbury steak. Oh, you know what? I probably said too much. He's just barking. All right.

[Joe Coy]

You know, the thing I like about doing this show is we went right from the political humor to the dog ass rape.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Joe Coy]

Which was really awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

It took a while. Usually we get there.

[Bald Brian]

I focus most of my writing, so I.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I wouldn't want to admit that I raped a parrot.

[Bald Brian]

Me neither, but you know what I mean.

[Joe Coy]

Well, how big was a parrot?

[Adam Carolla]

What? Well, that's the whole thing. Like maybe a macaw, but if you're a parrot can handle it.

[Joe Coy]

That's what I've been told.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but there. Well, what is. I'll tell you the one animal you get some street cred for. Rhino. Sorry, I'm tired. Yeah, you want to know why I'm tired? I've seen a rhino while my elbows are all skinned up. Up. Just got done raping a rhino. Any questions?

[Bald Brian]

How's that sound?

[Adam Carolla]

We cool?

[Bald Brian]

How's that sound?

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone got any wise acres in the group? Cuz I raped a rhino. Believe me, I can handle you. You'd be a vacation for my. Yeah, rhino would be number one, I think on the badass department. Manatee would be the confusing one.

[Joe Coy]

Manatee.

[Adam Carolla]

Manatee. Yeah, that'd be like.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, Kate, buffalo. That's a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, buffalo is nice.

[Bald Brian]

I think three is Khloe Kardashian.

[Adam Carolla]

I already said that.

[Joe Coy]

I said Kate, buffalo. Same gif.

[Adam Carolla]

Same thing.

[Bald Brian]

I'm sorry, David.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Molly escapes from Jimmy's yard.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, there's more to this.

[Adam Carolla]

That's 22 minutes.

[Joe Coy]

You circled all the way Back around. So anyways, Molly rest in peace.

[Adam Carolla]

She.

[Bald Brian]

And then Ken Kingsley came.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No.

[Joe Coy]

Did I mention I saw Kevin come?

[Adam Carolla]

Cner, Kingsley, Cosner. I don't. I lose track sometimes. All right, so Molly gets out of Jimmy's yard. You may have been there with your brother. Oh, God. You don't talk to that much, but I find the guy to like every day. Every day. Don't get weird and defensive. I didn't see talking.

[Joe Coy]

He got his hip replaced. But that. Digress. Go ahead. Go back to the Molly material.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know, David. Out of. I feel left out of this.

[Adam Carolla]

He had a brother. Has a brother.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

New hair, hip. Hope he got it from a white guy. No.

[Joe Coy]

This thing is really swollen.

[Adam Carolla]

But go ahead, turn. They give you new hips. Yeah. They don't. Yeah. Sorry. That's stupid. Stupid. Scratch that, man. That was dumb. All right, so escapes from Jimmy's yard. I'm drunk, right?

[Bald Brian]

That's the first believable part of the story.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in my sweatpants. Somebody runs into the house.

[Bald Brian]

That's the rhino.

[Adam Carolla]

It took me a few seconds.

[Joe Coy]

Adam, stay focused.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to stay focused.

[Joe Coy]

Focus on the blonde.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm focusing on the blonde. I'm focusing on the blonde now. Now, don't snore. The. Ryan the dog. Molly. God damn it. Molly has escaped. Okay, go.

[Bald Brian]

This looks like a real shitty TLC rehearsal.

[Adam Carolla]

So I. They run in and they yell, molly's gone. She's out in the hills of Hollywood. She's running around. She doesn't have a collar on. She's could get run over. There's no sidewalks or anything. And I realized I will never receive another blowjob again from my wife or the rhino or Molly if something happens to Molly. So I sprint out the back. Remember the old house with the big. I do.

[Joe Coy]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that house. He had. Had the big brick oven back there for the pizza oven out there. So I. I went running out.

[Bald Brian]

Did you guys talk about something I was invited to?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

Jimmy's house, Costner.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna. Yeah. Okay. All right. So we were at a Color Me Mine in Burbank.

[Bald Brian]

You guys ever go to the rehab in Venice?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I ran out of the backyard and I was running down the street, my sweatpants and my.

[Joe Coy]

Still talking about Molly?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, still talking about Molly. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was just chugging down the middle of the street, and I passed the old man. You know, the guy who's just put on this planet to judge. He just stands on his front lawn, like making busy work, like with a hose. But he's really not doing anything. Probably fake water coming out of there like Disneyland, you know. And he's just standing there and he's just got to look at you like, what the fuck? Like that. And I'm running down the street and I'm looking at him and he's looking at me and I'm like, what the fuck are you looking at? And I realize I'm holding a beer. I didn't put my beer down. And the guy thinks the man show guy is jogging with a beer.

[Joe Coy]

That's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how fucking committed to alcohol Adam Carolla is. He's jogging with a beer and I don't have time to clear it up with him. We end up finding Molly in the neighbor's yard.

[Bald Brian]

Did you really care about clearing it up with him, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I didn't until the following weekend. What happened the following weekend? My wife said, you can't take Molly anymore. I don't trust you. But you can take the boy. He's got an open swimming pool too, you know. So I got Sonny, he's like two and a half years old. And I got to double, I, I got the double wide coaster for the kids, right? I, I, I you, right? So there's, I'm sitting there and, because I got twins. I got, you know, so I got the stroller and it's the double wide stroller and there's, and this time I got a 12 pack of Natty Life, right? Because I don't show up, you know, empty handed to then drink the good that Jimmy has on Text Cab. And I take the 12 pack and I try to shove it underneath the, the roll. The, where the diaper, where the diaper hammock is, okay? I try to shove it where the diaper hammock is, but it's too tall. It won't fit. I don't know what kind of animals design these strollers that they can't hold a 12 pack?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. We got the moist wipes and the pull ups. Now how about the 12 pack for dad? So I lift it up and I set it right next to him. And he's basically just leaning on this 12 pack as I'm pushing him down the street. As we pass the same fucking dude who's standing on his lawn. Last week, Carolla couldn't go for a jog without a beer. Now he can't take his son for a walk without a 12 pack. He's thinking, just keep Going to the firehouse, drop him off, let him learn to play foosball and make chili.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, the band broke up. You no longer live there. Jimmy no longer lives there.

[Bald Brian]

You know what the wildest night of drinking I ever had was? One time I drank so much, I passed out. When I woke up, I was naked in a police car with two cops. But the weird part was I was driving. That's how you. That's a. That's how you know you need help.

[Adam Carolla]

What is. What is dag. What is your drunken. Oh, I'm. Your drunkenness.

[Joe Coy]

I wouldn't talk about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me your drunkenness. No, give me a drunk. I wouldn't.

[Joe Coy]

I don't. I don't drink. Like, to excess.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you did at some point.

[Joe Coy]

Never in my. I don't think I've ever been drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I've seen you drunk.

[Bald Brian]

You seem like a guy who's more like an intellectual. Intellectual type already.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me your drunk. No, I don't remember.

[Bald Brian]

Drunkest ever. One time I had se. I got drunk, I had sex with a retarded chick. And to get rid of her, I put her on a bus.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Full. Full size bus or.

[Bald Brian]

I didn't know where the bus was going.

[Adam Carolla]

How. First off, I mean, that might have. How did you know she was. If you were that drunk?

[Bald Brian]

Because she kept throwing her own at me.

[Adam Carolla]

Her.

[Joe Coy]

That's. No. What. What are you trying to say?

[Adam Carolla]

Dave tips extra for that. Are you kidding me?

[Joe Coy]

If I'm in the mood, that's on the menu, man.

[Adam Carolla]

40 bucks.

[Bald Brian]

One time I tried. That was in a car. My butt. I tried to. In the woods because I had the shits. And you know when you pull your pants down and in the woods, you put. It creates like a bridge right here.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Bald Brian]

Into my pants, pull my pants up. I got back in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And they figured that out in about two seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I tell you why I want to do the Bruce Jenner thing? Yeah, do the swap thing. Whoa.

[Bald Brian]

You want his.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's not using it. He was. Look, somebody just said you would. You like you want to Adam Carolla's or the. Of a guy who's on a Wheaties box? Just. That's all the information you have.

[Bald Brian]

You want the car the same that was blown by Kris Jenner and O.J. simpson.

[Joe Coy]

By the way, O.J. is innocent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Of the murders.

[Joe Coy]

He did steal the football. And for that he deserves life. That's all I want to say.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is this happened to me yesterday. I sat down on the toilet in the hotel, right. I started taking a number two and whizzing because, you know, I'm. I can multitask. And I noticed a whiz shooting through the bottom of the seat above the bowl. By the way, remember that thing Steve Yeager invented? That thing that hung down under catcher.

[Bald Brian]

For the Dodgers under.

[Adam Carolla]

Beneath the catcher's mask so it wouldn't get hit in the Adam's app over the fast?

[Bald Brian]

That was invented. He was on deck and a broken bat hit him. He wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right. I'm saying is, can we get that for toilets so I won't have to fill up my pants and then all I want is enough to get enough hang so I'm not pissing into my own trousers.

[Joe Coy]

Keep talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce. The Bruce could do that.

[Bald Brian]

Here's why I. I pay him for.

[Adam Carolla]

It, by the way. It's not like, you know, I'm asking for a free.

[Joe Coy]

I never. I never had that problem. Problem.

[Bald Brian]

Here's why I'd like Will Chamberlain's because it's the. I'd love to have a big black. Because it's the best of two worlds. You could still get a cab.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

I mean, unless country club now you get the wife with a huge black cock. Everybody, Everybody wins.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's win, win. And. And you know, if you're applying for college and a couple points low on the sat, you just whip it out, you know, that's all. Oh, I'm not judging. I'm just saying how to use Will Chambers effectively.

[Bald Brian]

Whip it out. Now what did I get on math?

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking black men.

[Joe Coy]

It doesn't really work like that, but.

[Bald Brian]

You know, David, I apologize.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep dreaming. Plus, oh, the stories Wilt's cock could tell.

[Joe Coy]

I met Will Chamberlain, man.

[Adam Carolla]

You did?

[Joe Coy]

Vertical club here in New York. He has. He was. He was curling. 90 pound chrome barbells. This is back in like 80 something, really. And I was there. I used to be a member of the Vertical Club. That's this, you know, health club here.

[Adam Carolla]

But obviously he wouldn't get into the horizontal club. I mean, that's another club he was in.

[Joe Coy]

But I'm like this Wilton still. I'm like, hey, what's up? Mr. Chamberlain goes, how you doing, little brother? So he was like this. And his dick was like, just scraping the rubber mat. It was just the. The tip of it was like pushed in.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? His. His dick was rehydrated. Exactly. Stick. It dropped into Gatorade pockets, sucking it dry.

[Joe Coy]

And it hit Bottom like a hose on a hot summer day.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it was just gathering.

[Joe Coy]

He's like, how you doing, little bro? It's like, damn, man. 20,000 women. He.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Or in Cosby's case, drugged and raped.

[Bald Brian]

But, you know, teach his own believe still out.

[Joe Coy]

You don't know.

[Bald Brian]

20,000 women in there had to be a couple days where he had the flu.

[Joe Coy]

A couple days. That's 25 women a day. That's no day off.

[Adam Carolla]

That's no days off.

[Gina Grad]

Where.

[Joe Coy]

Whereas Cosby, you gotta.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta rape. You gotta drug and date. Right.

[Joe Coy]

You know, which I say is a lot more planning. So I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this.

[Joe Coy]

Am I here all along? Here's Ratio Harden. I'm going with.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a second.

[Bald Brian]

He won eight Grammys too, right?

[Joe Coy]

Well, Will Chamberlain put out a couple albums too. Artie's not enough.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, let me just do some wilt math here, okay? Yeah, okay.

[Bald Brian]

Math.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Math, math. Now take this in the spirit in which it's intended. Dag.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I smell an offensive dude I'm dealing with, right?

[Joe Coy]

Black folks.

[Adam Carolla]

We got another one black dude here. I didn't even want to come. Maybe a third. We gotta keep an eye on this. It's good if you're black dudes.

[Joe Coy]

They not even sitting next to each other.

[Bald Brian]

Every once in a while, Adam gets drunk and does racist poetry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying is this. Black. Black dudes once in a while have a child out of wedlock.

[Joe Coy]

I wouldn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, it hurt it.

[Joe Coy]

I'm good to all my children.

[Bald Brian]

They're called the Jets.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just. I'm gonna go way out on a limb here and say it's happened a time or two historically. That's. That's me. All right. All right. So with that assumption aside. Died. If we can all. You go with me on that, right?

[Joe Coy]

I'll give that one to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Thank you. Then wouldn't it stand to reason that Will had 2700 kids?

[Joe Coy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not possible.

[Joe Coy]

Well, because.

[Adam Carolla]

Why wouldn't Will have a whole bunch of kids coming out of the woodwork?

[Joe Coy]

You know how the cops and he believed in.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a lot of folks coming out of the woodwork.

[Joe Coy]

Birth control.

[Adam Carolla]

But did they make condoms? And what extra, extra large 18 wheeler inner tube size for like he just rap his in a pup tent.

[Bald Brian]

Used intestines because I never seem to them in their vagina. You always like all of a sudden there's something moist on their back. And then they get shown the door.

[Joe Coy]

It's where they fell in laughing. But, you know. There's no but, Artie. You know, there's nothing funny about rape unless it's a well crafted joke.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always. All right, so my hypotheses that Will should have.

[Joe Coy]

What happened to Molly? Is she. Is she.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, I like that dog.

[Bald Brian]

That dog Adam gave her Hep C.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got it from the rhino. It's not my fault. Turned out the rhino was, you know, running around behind my back. Yeah, yeah. So Molly is missing her ear. Molly, huh?

[Joe Coy]

They had to cut it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God damn.

[Bald Brian]

Did she fight Tyson?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'd pay nice right now to put her out of her misery. First off, they said, the vet said, we think we can save half her ear. Okay? So I said, all right, go for it. And by the way, I always say this veterinarian. Any vets out here, anybody works with panels, it's the greatest gig ever. The greatest gig ever. Because I. That's the only profession. Like when I was a carpenter, I couldn't go. Look, it's 250 bucks to hang your front door. Now, there's no guarantees it's ever gonna work. You know what I mean? The latch might not work. The deadbolts may not line up. It may just be open at night. You may have to kick it a little to get it open. Now, I'll tell you what, I'll try to hang your door. If it doesn't work out, I can come back for another $250. Of course, maybe hanging out. Then again, there's no guarantees at that point. That'll never work.

[Gary]

Right?

[Joe Coy]

You never said, we'll hang the door and then we'll see where we're at.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The vet said, we can save. I think we can save half her ear. And I said, okay, how much is that shit gonna cost? Yeah, yeah, right. So he said, all right, we'll do it. We'll go for half the year because her ear. She had ear cancer. Probably from listening to me too long. I think she would sleep on her right side and her left was exposed to my nasally. Drowned.

[Bald Brian]

Did she only hear half of everything, though, instead of roll over Rollo or something? Over, over.

[Adam Carolla]

So she comes back from the hospital. They tried to save half the earth here. Yeah, they went long ways. I was like, you could have brought this up when we were talking. I was talking to my wife, by the way.

[Joe Coy]

Language.

[Bald Brian]

Is that true?

[Joe Coy]

Language?

[Bald Brian]

They went that way.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like you had a hoagie and someone said, you want to split it with me. And they went long ways. The. You gotta bring that up, right? How old is Molly in dog years? No, 227.

[Joe Coy]

Just normal years.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just going by dollars now. She's about $46,000 dollars years old.

[Joe Coy]

I spent that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how old she is. All right, how many years?

[Joe Coy]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

How much a bullet cost?

[Joe Coy]

How many years old, huh? How many. How old is she?

[Adam Carolla]

She's like 13 or something.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, my, my chocolate lab is 14. Still kicking like a mule.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Bald Brian]

I'm no money expert. You could just throw a ball onto the 405 and kill her.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys, Artie's gonna be here all week. He does a special dog show every Saturday after. Kids, I just want some clarity. When you say ball, you don't mean lavish party. You're talking about like a tennis ball?

[Bald Brian]

No, like a ball. Fetch me ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotcha. Okay. I just wanted clarity. By the way, do you guys ever listen to these pet shows that run on AM radio on Saturday mornings?

[Joe Coy]

You say, as a heterosexual man, I'm straight.

[Bald Brian]

No, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I listen to these shows, and every single time they, like, someone will call in and go, like, well, I got a problem. I got a dog. And when I walk her, if a guy goes by on a skateboard or bicycle, the dog tries to go after him and nips at him and this.

[Bald Brian]

That, and the other, and I try to fuck the guy, and I try.

[Adam Carolla]

To fuck a rhino. The answer every time is, well, you have to acclimate the dog. So what you should do is you should hire people to go by on a skateboard. And I'm always like, are you fucking nuts?

[Bald Brian]

Hire people. Of course, in la, you could probably get an actor to do that, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah? Yes. Go down to Central. Cassie, can you ride a Huffy? My first job. Do you mind being attacked by animals? Sorry. Yes.

[Joe Coy]

Dog chaser. That was my first job when I came.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it?

[Joe Coy]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have dog catchers anymore?

[Joe Coy]

I, I, I, I saw one the other day in the hills where I live.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Joe Coy]

I think Animal Control.

[Adam Carolla]

Animal Control?

[Bald Brian]

Is that the politically correct name for it now?

[Joe Coy]

That's what it said, man. But it was, it had the little case ages, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I think this was a doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the last name?

[Joe Coy]

Jonathan. That's improv.

[Adam Carolla]

He threw it at me and I didn't even pause. Did you guys see that?

[Joe Coy]

Black guys in the back.

[Adam Carolla]

I did say, ah, but I already saw that, was impressed.

[Joe Coy]

It's my turn now.

[Adam Carolla]

What the.

[Bald Brian]

And I just said the Name that was Groundlings type.

[Joe Coy]

I think we have a. We have.

[Gary]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

This gentleman right there dozing off. I think he has a question. Sir? Looking around. No. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Question.

[Joe Coy]

He's right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Yeah. Here we go. Australia. What do you think, Mike? Listen, I love. By the way, it sounds like you just shot a commercial for Outback Steakhouse. You know, Jesus Christ. Australia. That's the question.

[Bald Brian]

Because I don't know, what do you think of Australia?

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think of Australia? Nobody hates Australia. I do. I'm. I'm gonna go there because. But, but listen, Australia is a commitment because everyone's like, if you go, you gotta stay like seven years. You can't. You know, your kids will be in high school when you come back. You can't just let you long a flight, by the way. We're such spoiled pussies. Imagine telling Pioneers it took them first off. They all died on the Donner Pass and ate each other there.

[Joe Coy]

Speaking of Pioneers, if I were a pioneer, this finger would take me out. Because it's really. You see that front?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I'm saying. Swollen Pioneers.

[Joe Coy]

And it hurts now, too.

[Adam Carolla]

The guys who made the trek from Utah to California, it took them 28 days. And half the fucking. Half the group died. Right? Okay, now we take a flight to Australia where we get in a sleeper pod and get drunk and watch 13 bad movies. Movies. And everyone's like, if you're going to be on that plane for 18 hours, you gotta stay at least six months. It's, it's, it's. It's a long flight.

[Bald Brian]

But I still agree with that, though. That's a 20 hour flight. Is. You gotta like the place you're going.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you gotta like it for another 11 hours. He's from Australia.

[Joe Coy]

He ain't in Australia. Why do you wait for? Do you love it so much?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on. Watch out. It's gonna take me six hours to fly back to la. Right? Right? Yeah. All right. And it takes how many hours to go to 20 hours? All right, but I. Jesus, I fl. What the hell? Hold on. I'm pissed. Now, we've all done plenty of gigs where you've flown from la, out to New York, done like a one nighter or corporate whatever or an upfront whatever, and then the next morning been back on a plane and back whatever, right? As a six hour flight. And last time I came out to get Dag some. Get Dag some of his medicine.

[Joe Coy]

Listen, I've never been drunk, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

It's as fun. You all right? Don't get. I. I will. Don't get uppity. Now bite your finger off. All right, You're a. All right, now listen.

[Joe Coy]

I'm gonna urinate right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now listen. Tell your joke. All right, listen, you're two and a half black fans in the audience are not happy with this representation.

[Bald Brian]

We could be in Australia.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but listen to me.

[Joe Coy]

This man has lost his accent.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, hold the on the longest joke in the world. I flew to New York about three months ago to do some spike shit. And I stayed here for 17 hours and I flew back to L. A. So the flight is six hours. Your flight is 18 hours. So how about I just go to Australia and stay an extra 12 hours? Wouldn't we be fucking even? According to my flight math. Why do I have to abandon my family? Family. And start a new life mining for opals.

[Bald Brian]

The problem is, what are you going to do in Australia for the 12 hours? You got to make it worth your while. What do you do there?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck rhinos. Got rhinos over there, right?

[Joe Coy]

They got camels over there.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard. Right. Yeah. No, I like, I, I every. I've said it a million times. Australia is the only place where everyone goes. You gotta go, you know, other places where, you know, you bring it up. I don't know. Spain or Italy or some people, if you're in the mood. You know certain spots. Australia comes up and there was. Oh, you gotta go.

[Bald Brian]

Whenever I'm in a bar for three hours, someone says, you gotta go.

[Joe Coy]

Bingo.

[Adam Carolla]

Bingo, Adam. That's why Artie's a headliner. But he knows what he doing. All right, let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. Unfinished Business, by the way, Vinnie Vaughn in this move. Dave Franco, Tom Wilkinson. It's coming out this Friday. We got you over there. We got a question over here. I gotcha. Unfinished Business in theaters this Friday. It's about a small business and I could bore you with all the details of Unfinished business, but it has been Tron.

[Joe Coy]

I saw love Vince Vaughn.

[Adam Carolla]

Love him. He is great. Wedding crashers.

[Joe Coy]

I was once in a club and there was a big, huge brawl. And Vince Vaughn was just like in the middle of the room, like a God directing traffic. People were like throwing punches and hooker stripper were just flying by and he was just like, just nothing hit him.

[Adam Carolla]

He's.

[Joe Coy]

He's my hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Manish business. No, that's for real.

[Joe Coy]

This for real.

[Adam Carolla]

March 6th. Yes. Question.

[Gary]

What do you say?

[Adam Carolla]

A 10 year old, your daughter's going through puberty.

[Joe Coy]

Can someone Turn my mic off, please.

[Adam Carolla]

It's everybody. That's how Dave hurt his finger. Dave's line is, you want to go through a little faster. You can go through puberty the long way or we can do it like ripping off a band aid. Well he likes younger girls. I mean let's be honest Dave. I, I, I, I, honestly I, I'm scared. I got a, I got an 8 year old daughter who's dressing up like Lady Gaga and shaking her money maker and I'm beautiful, I'm freak out.

[Bald Brian]

I'll give you the best advice my old man gave me when I was a kid, when I was about 11 years old, he sat me down, he said art, if you give a hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

Money.

[Bald Brian]

To go and get cocaine, she will never come back with the cocaine.

[Adam Carolla]

Sagely.

[Joe Coy]

Ah, your father was a wise man.

[Bald Brian]

That's all I got for and good luck.

[Joe Coy]

He was a wise man.

[Bald Brian]

He was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a limity.

[Bald Brian]

He was a wise. You can give her Reed, give her.

[Adam Carolla]

Some weed or some liquor. The only wiser thing ever.

[Bald Brian]

Richard Pryor said, I don't know why, always complaining. I got half the money and all the.

[Joe Coy]

Again, a wise man.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, was that Richard Pratt? Sorry. I can make. Stop feeding.

[Joe Coy]

Feed her the right give her some salads.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry dad.

[Joe Coy]

What his, his daughters?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 10. Jesus, I don't know man. We got to put him in a shark cage and put them on top of like Mount Wilson or something and chain it down and, and hire armed guards like I, I don't know. They're going to go nuts. There's going to be weird of them on YouTube, right? Or you porn or.

[Joe Coy]

I'm hoping my starts going right when my daughter starts growing titties know so she could be right in front of me. I won't know.

[Bald Brian]

Well I always, My father died. My father died the same year I got tits.

[Joe Coy]

See.

[Adam Carolla]

I always said and I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take my own advice on this I always said. I was talking to a caller on Loveline once. Yeah Guy called in a Loveline said I got a problem with my dad. We had a situation happen yesterday morning we haven't talked about. It's really important, uncomfortable. It's weird. And I said well what happened? And this guy was like 16, 17. He said I went out to a club, I'm gay, I picked up a dude. I brought the dude home, I snuck him into my room and this morning my dad walked in and he kind of caught us. And I said caught you? What exactly were you Two doing. And I'm sort of picturing the worst. But it's worse.

[Joe Coy]

It was a shitty situation.

[Bald Brian]

How much worse could it get?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you, you as a father. He said, I was bento. I was on my back with my legs thrown over my head. Okay. Good night. Hold on. I was blowing myself and he was beaten off.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, but why do you have to get the dude and bring him home if he was blowing himself? He didn't.

[Bald Brian]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. The dad said. I said, you boys come downstairs. We're having Cheerios. Yeah. I always told Dr. Drew I would just keep the cyanide capsule in my cheek like a Nazi war criminal. You know what I mean? And if I ever saw the guy Simon Wiesenthal pulling up the driveway, just like, oh, I just chomped down on the thing, you know? So, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

What about the idea? It's the most ambivalent feeling in the world to me would be if you could suck your own. On one leg, you're getting a blowjob. On the other hand, you have a dick in your mouth. Mouth. Your thoughts on that, Adam. Go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I want to say this.

[Joe Coy]

Now.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the molly the Australian guys are. Kill us someone with the courage to bring this up. Why would you give me this? Sorry. In. In my movie Road Hard. Thank you. Awesome. Which is awesome time.

[Bald Brian]

I'm teeing them up. I'm teeing them up.

[Adam Carolla]

You can pre order it on iTunes. Go to Amrol.com and hit the manner. I do a bit in the movie where I say the idea that we need chicks to swallow, I feel like, is a little ambitious. You know what I mean? Like, my feeling is, once I'm done with it, do what you want with it.

[Bald Brian]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Toilet, potted plants, someone shorter than you.

[Bald Brian]

I don't need it anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need it anymore. What's with all the attitudes? Like your garbage man. Your garbage man just. Just. He just picks up the garbage. He doesn't eat it. Yeah. What the. That's an insult. I hire a garbage man, I'm gonna see him eating that garbage.

[Joe Coy]

There is something to be said for a wonderfully attractive, ambitious young woman eagerly chowing down a spunk. Nothing wrong with that. That young lady wants to.

[Bald Brian]

You could feed the poor. Like Dice. Andrew Dice Clay said, says my come could feed B.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Who am I? Well, who am I to say no?

[Adam Carolla]

I loved her and mod and let's just let. Let her rest in peace. And I don't know why. Yeah, but Adam's just coming on Her.

[Joe Coy]

Have you ever gone down on a chick and came up and went, I love you, man.

[Adam Carolla]

You're awesome.

[Bald Brian]

Sometimes a chick will tell you, like, I'm sorry, I don't blow guy. I. I don't smoke, suck dick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a.

[Bald Brian]

It. It grosses me out. I'm sorry. And I'm like, you think I don't understand that? I don't say it grosses you out. Me too, honey. I don't get why chicks do so. Anyone sucks a dick, I don't know.

[Joe Coy]

Is that really a time in their life? To be brutally honest, I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, let's get back to your young daughter. Sorry we stretched.

[Joe Coy]

You know, when we get to hell, Adam, what a time we will have.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my daughter's wanting her ears pierced. Here's goddess. Oh, thank you, Beelzebub.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Devil is a great character. Oh, no, he does. He's a great devil. Yeah. Sorry, what were you saying, Beelzebub?

[Joe Coy]

Adam's been here for weeks. Artie will be here in about 10 minutes. Thanks, devil.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Now? What? So my daughter wants earrings now? Now. Now.

[Bald Brian]

I hope your dog doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, does it wait. Hey, it's the only time I can save a nickel on that thing. I can buy one earring. She's gotta wear it in her right ear. So the other dogs at the park think she's gay now.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, but wait does.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Let me ask gay folk here tonight. All right. Jesus Christ. That's the one gay guy right there. One gay guy, not me. When you say no, that, that makes you gay. Listen, what happened to the gay code, right? The one earring, left ear, right ear, bandana. Say, I'm Greco active, everybody. I got a orange bandana hanging out of my left jeep. I'm wearing wrangling colors and I'm hanging. What happened to all the gay codes?

[Bald Brian]

I never knew about them in the first place.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, me neither. I saw that movie Cruising once, that's all.

[Bald Brian]

I was never in line at Froyo.

[Adam Carolla]

Dag. You're open minded. There used to be a lot of gay code out there.

[Joe Coy]

There still is where I come from.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Joe Coy]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so the daughter. Oh, sorry. Yeah. 10. I don't know. They're all eating at McDonald's and sprouting titties now. And it's all. It's all just a nightmare. How old's your daughter, dad?

[Joe Coy]

Deck, she's seven years old, all right?

[Adam Carolla]

Has she gotten into. She wants to wear makeup or earrings or any of that.

[Joe Coy]

No, she said she wanted to wear lipstick in my guttural rust like.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Right, right, Daddy.

[Joe Coy]

It's for kids, you know, so. Yeah, no, she's still a little.

[Adam Carolla]

No, tonight, whatever.

[Joe Coy]

Today she's still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you don't let her hang out with other kids, cuz. Other kids.

[Joe Coy]

She has a friend across the street that little girls, when they get together, it's not. It's dangerous, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but she'll poison. They.

[Joe Coy]

They tear my house apart part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

They do bad things. They get in the sugar bowl like it's cocaine and start skittering around the house high on this sugar. Acting nuts. Matches are missing. I. I think they're up to devilment.

[Bald Brian]

All these kids want Adderall and I. 14 year old chicks go home and tell the old man they can't pay attention in history. They go to the doctor and they get speed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's so.

[Gary]

Oh, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Dang. We got a picture of you, Lulu.

[Joe Coy]

That's a recent picture too.

[Adam Carolla]

How long were you in Iraq? Hey, he's a goddamn hero, everybody.

[Bald Brian]

That's my hero. He was. I'd rather be in Detroit.

[Joe Coy]

Good night, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Nice seeing you. Oh, I'm sorry. No, Dag. No. Dag. No. Arie doesn't mean it. He's sober. He's just your bite ass off me, Dag. No, no. He's a comedian. He makes jokes. He's salty. He works blue. How dare you work black. It's different.

[Joe Coy]

That's my daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? She's sweet, but she's gonna want some earrings soon.

[Joe Coy]

I know, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Joe Coy]

I'm just in denial.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't, I don't. I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

It's very scary raising a kid nowadays.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a lot of people, which is really scrambling my brain.

[Joe Coy]

That have pierced ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, then she's going to get her ears pierced. Yeah. No, she's got, she's. She's got.

[Joe Coy]

First of all, that's the first one on whoredom, so watch out.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't do it. Yeah, yeah. What makes a trollop pierced ears?

[Gary]

Trollop.

[Joe Coy]

It originated in Elizabethan England. Madam.

[Adam Carolla]

It starts with the ears, it ends with the hood. Hello.

[Joe Coy]

The clitoral hood, which was the name of my first book band, by the way. 15 years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, check. Goulash was with clear old hood.

[Joe Coy]

Just let her get the ears pierced. But you should like, just stick the needle in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I was like, it hurts and there's a lot of blood. And she's like, that's not what Cammie says. I'm. And now that. Now that there's the Internet, Cammy and her husband. Yeah. There's not. There's. There's nothing we can do. So she's, you know, gonna get all whored up like Bruce Jenner. I mean, what do you really think?

[Bald Brian]

The Bruce Johnny thing, really think about that? What the is really going on there.

[Joe Coy]

Dude, I said for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

That should be the biggest.

[Joe Coy]

That should be bigger than isis.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I crazy?

[Bald Brian]

People are. I don't think it's big enough of a story. I don't think it's the guy who won the Gambler Israel. The man bought titties. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you black people. Always Israel.

[Joe Coy]

I'm serious.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm.

[Joe Coy]

I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you. It should be a bigger story.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know, man. I didn't believe it till. I guess he's serious, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

He really is.

[Bald Brian]

I mean, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

But why the move at 62? That's my thing. Like, don't you guys all feel like all your is just cemented? Like whatever you're into, you're into 62. You've.

[Bald Brian]

You. You figured out this is how I'm going to be?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, at 62, you're going. You know what? I'm thinking about doing a little gender reassignment surgery. And your prostate's like, really? We're going to be dead in nine years.

[Bald Brian]

Really, Billy, I'm fine with the. I'm fine with the talking.

[Adam Carolla]

You be my prostate. Hey, prostate. Yeah, I'm going to do some gender reassignment surgery. That's great.

[Joe Coy]

That's great. That's great. First of all, congratulations. Can I just speak on this for a minute?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

So I got to be prepared for a tickling my nose down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. By the way, I want you. I want you to apologize to Mr. Greer for hurting his finger.

[Joe Coy]

Excuse me. It's really sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

You apologize.

[Joe Coy]

Can we take a sidebar? Already is really swollen.

[Bald Brian]

That was. That was damn good improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Dag. He did Senior Wences for 8 seconds. I think it's a talent 7.

[Joe Coy]

7 first level classes of ground links.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Joe Coy]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, would you like. Would you like to play my prostate anymore?

[Joe Coy]

I'd like to. What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm thinking about gender reassignment. Excuse me. Yeah. Turn your head. All right, my bad. You know, my whole feeling with the prostate exam. Yes. If you really trust me, go gloveless. You know, What? I mean, like, if you really like me, doc, lube up. But go gloveless. Yeah. You know what I mean? Really feel that prostate.

[Bald Brian]

I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Understood.

[Joe Coy]

Okay. We're still improving.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, we're not.

[Joe Coy]

We have a question right down.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is gender reassignment after.

[Joe Coy]

60, I may get another motorcycle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's about probably as far as it. Far as it's gonna go, right? I might go to Australia.

[Joe Coy]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, gender reassignment is a nice way of putting it. And like, all right, Cox over there, who comes up with these over there in the trees. Balls over there by behind the boulder. So let's go.

[Bald Brian]

Who comes up with the nice way of saying this though? Like, who came up with gender reassignment? That's very like a sweet way to say something.

[Joe Coy]

The guy who's been doing this, they're writing articles. How are we supposed to do this every day, man? This is history making.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry. Question up here. Yes, hold the question for me, guys. Shut up already. Hold on.

[Joe Coy]

Artie, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm right here, man. Enjoyed you and Artie. I want to know why they. Why his microphone is so perfectly formed and like new and like yours and Artie's are like crap holes in them.

[Joe Coy]

Much like the Ferguson situation. This racism. Arty wants you to take this and speak on it. Cuz he knows. He knows what's going on.

[Bald Brian]

He's anti fat and black, so.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate earthquake.

[Joe Coy]

Thank you.

[Bald Brian]

He hates. He hates CeeLo Green.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way.

[Bald Brian]

What about that? That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

It does.

[Joe Coy]

By the way, CeeLo Green got high marks from his parole officer.

[Bald Brian]

Well, that's good news.

[Joe Coy]

Well, he beat his rape charge anyways.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know, man. You know, when you know in this world. I don't like to play the race. Excuse me, brother. I like to play the race car. Already can speak on it. This is a lot of, you know, racialism, you know, being hit with that all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think? All Ferguson thing. It's just a random black man.

[Joe Coy]

It's the truth, man. Come on. It's the truth. Apparently they were devilish over there. So, you know. But the cop did get away with murder, in my opinion, and he will not be charged.

[Bald Brian]

So that's some of the slogans that are going on by these protesters, are affecting my sex life.

[Joe Coy]

Well, which one?

[Bald Brian]

I was. I was in bed with a black chick a couple weeks ago, and right in the middle of sex, she yelled out. She yelled out.

[Joe Coy]

Don'T Turn around.

[Bald Brian]

Artie yelled out, I can't breathe.

[Joe Coy]

Understood.

[Adam Carolla]

And all right.

[Bald Brian]

I said to her, I said, can we leave politics out of there?

[Joe Coy]

Thank you. Well, you did. You did what the policeman did. Just put the cups on the. Put the. Put the cuffs on. She's all right. She's all. She can breathe. She can breathe. Just let me. Just let me do this real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? You've earned a quick spot. Legal Zoom, baby. LegalZoom.com. who's thinking about starting a business of their own, huh? Huh? Yeah, we got some hands up you need.

[Bald Brian]

After tonight, I'm gonna have to.

[Adam Carolla]

You need Legal Zoom? Yeah. You're gonna go on your own after this. Over 10 years experience, they've helped millions and millions of customers just like you. We've been using these guys. You use these guys? These guys are the best. They're Legal Zoom, not a law firm. They have a network of attorneys that can help you. Their Legal Zoom. And Dag, focus over here, buddy. Don't check your phone. That's rude. It should. It's Lil Zoom. By the way. They're offering. Offering BlackBerry.

[Bald Brian]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Offering attorneys consult consulting fees for just 50 bucks. Everybody. It's Legal Zoom. LegalZoom.com Attorney consultations are provided by independent attorneys available in most states. Yeah, you need for your [e-mail] and enter Adam refer box at checkout to save even more Legal Zone. Legal help is here. All right.

[Joe Coy]

Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Who is that guy? Do we all have the one friend that's still rocking the BlackBerry right? Defiantly.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the keyboard. All right. Right. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Here.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, look.

[Joe Coy]

That's a dude right there.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a BlackBerry with it, man. It's like a rotary phone. I like it. Oh, wow.

[Joe Coy]

Like the blackberries.

[Adam Carolla]

You're dealing drugs or you're cheating or both.

[Joe Coy]

He conveniently can't hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, if you have two phones, you're around or. Or you're dealing nothing.

[Bald Brian]

Nothing's good coming from two phones.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. You leave the decoy phone out. I've always said that, like my daughter, she's smart. Will leave out a decoy diary. Really? For me to read like that is smart.

[Bald Brian]

Wow, that's. That's also deceptive.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I had a blast at Sunday school today. I wish there more ways I could honor my father. And Jesus Christ cries. Meanwhile, the real diaries. You know, pull the train with. With the lacrosse team. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Boy. Daddy. Daddy's movie's good. That's the good one. That's the real one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the real One got minutes in the movie. D was, oh, De was great in the movie.

[Joe Coy]

So you know what? One thing before you applaud because I deserve. Listen, you're in the movie. Absolutely. Art.

[Bald Brian]

I thought that was Don Cheadle.

[Joe Coy]

I tell you this with pride. You know, the first thing you do is you honor the words. Artie, if I could call you.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't know a word. He showed up and didn't know once word. And the only thing that was. Told me it was an improvisation. The. The only thing that bloody liar.

[Joe Coy]

Turn his. Turn his mic off.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that good came. The only thing that came from the night that was excellent was we were at a deli and we were had to work all night, right? Because we had to work while the deli was closed. So, yeah, there we are. And what you don't know in this pictures, it's not 10 in the morning, it's 2am and we're shooting all through the night in this deli. And there's a club next door. And everyone's outside, outside because they get drunk and then they go out front and smoke. And as me and Dag are walking back from the trailer to finish our scene, somebody goes, one of the drunk guys from the club goes, it was.

[Joe Coy]

One of the bouncers.

[Adam Carolla]

He said, the bouncers. He goes.

[Joe Coy]

He came to me and he said, look, yeah, I know you had a security and anything, look, I wonder if you could set up a picture with Mr. Carolla. I'm a big fan. I was like, yeah, I'll see.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there goes Adam and his security.

[Joe Coy]

Guard at 2 in the morning. Morning in the middle of the valley. Yeah, it's like so demeaning. That's some of the, you know, Martin Luther King. Is it Junior?

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Joe Coy]

He went through the same thing.

[Bald Brian]

Is it Junior?

[Joe Coy]

Black folks in the back. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Brother has to be a senior there somewhere. Is it Junior? Oh.

[Joe Coy]

I tell you what you should do. You should duck. Cause he about to punch you in your goddamn nigga Nick talking.

[Bald Brian]

You should say, hey, Mrs. Corolla, shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Talking like it's a aqueduct.

[Bald Brian]

It's two black guys talking like it.

[Joe Coy]

Was Harlem, you know, back, way back, you know, before the white people moved there. Ma', am, where are you going? Where are you going?

[Adam Carolla]

You got. She's got a pee.

[Joe Coy]

You got a pee pee.

[Adam Carolla]

She got to make a pee pee.

[Joe Coy]

Are you gonna take a boo boo? Cause you know. Yeah, you don't wanna that. You could tell that's her husband's sex she's got a small.

[Bald Brian]

All right, can we address the fight that's about to happen in the corner?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, keep it cool, guys. Take it outside.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, homeboy, he's about to.

[Bald Brian]

A great place to fight is Sbarro Pizza. I've been there.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the two black guys talking like they're O.J. and. And Jackson? Damn, man.

[Joe Coy]

Calm down.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we got one more question in the very back. The guy's gonna have to yell. It's young Mormon gentlemen drunk. He's wearing a top. I. He's going to sell us some time shares in Florida after this thing and Watchtowers. Oh, there's nothing better than a two parter from the back of the room. Yeah, I. I prefer 3 parter from across the street. This will have to do.

[Bald Brian]

What are you saying?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my. My point exactly.

[Bald Brian]

Two parter.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a two parter for Artie. One part is for Artie. Both. Both. Yes. Chevy Chase.

[Bald Brian]

What about Chevy Chase? He was nice to me, man, in that movie. He was real nice. As a matter of fact, me and him told jokes all night, got drunk. I have no problem with Chevy J.

[Adam Carolla]

Farley, nor McDonald or Sandler.

[Bald Brian]

Funniest guys ever you just brought up. But I say Chris Farley is. There's no one funny Farley. That guy Jeremy. Chris Farley, bro. I hung out with that guy for three weeks in Toronto shooting that movie. I never laughed harder in my life. He went to a strip club. He had strippers hanging off of his arm. He was funny, but it was just a matter of time, you know? But I love.

[Joe Coy]

I was shocked already. I.

[Bald Brian]

I'd say Farley. I give it to Chris.

[Joe Coy]

He was a funny partner.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm. But Norm may win the pound for pound competition, right?

[Bald Brian]

Norm is. Norma said some of the funniest things.

[Adam Carolla]

Quick.

[Bald Brian]

When dirty work came out. The. The hometown critic. I might have told you this out of. But the hometown critic in my newspaper said, Audi Lang has all the charm of a date rapist. True story. So my mother. My mother heard that and she was upset. And Norm says, put your mother on the phone, man. So my mom gets on the phone, try. He goes, make her feel better. So he goes, hey, Mrs. Lang, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist. A day rapist has to get a date. And then there was applause, and my mother burst in a tear.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's true. It's like.

[Bald Brian]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it. If you're a serial killer, you have to lure chicks to the van.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, enough charm.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're a crazy old person driving through a farmer's market, you don't have to have any charisma. You just drive over people without getting kale. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Bundy, he wore a cast on.

[Adam Carolla]

Wore a cast. That's right.

[Bald Brian]

The point is, though, I think you're in this category. And David proves it, too. Tonight. Norm was that quick. Like, he thought about it, like, immediately. Like he sounded funny.

[Joe Coy]

You know, you did set him.

[Bald Brian]

So he's up there. He's up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Norm's up there. Chris funny there.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And Chevy.

[Bald Brian]

Chevy I hung out with just shooting that movie, but he made me laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Not as big a douche as people. People.

[Bald Brian]

Not to me.

[Joe Coy]

This guy's really disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's true. It could have been really disappointed.

[Joe Coy]

But he want to hear some dirt. You're like, can I say something? Hitler. He was a charming guy. I did not see the killer in him. When we hung out, he told me.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you know what made me a cup of coffee.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know. Am I not.

[Bald Brian]

I'll give him what he wants. I'll give what he wants in an indirect way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Chevy got drunk and told me his favorite poem that he wrote. And I never heard so many words that ended in Igor.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're getting it.

[Joe Coy]

Now we're getting it. Can I say something to be. I once hung out with Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. I thought they were crazy kids in love. I swear to you, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. I was like, I'm going to go to bed.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Joe Coy]

You guys are making me sick with the hugging and kissing.

[Adam Carolla]

Is. Is Bobby Brown, like, on the power rankings of fellas you'd like your daughter to not hook up with?

[Joe Coy]

He's got his.

[Adam Carolla]

Got a 10 year old. I got an 8 year old. From now they're going to make some decisions. Where does Bobby Brown land on that cosmic pecky order?

[Joe Coy]

Bobby, I've known him for many years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I put on my pinnacle is. Is the Andy Dicks.

[Adam Carolla]

You know.

[Joe Coy]

You know what I told my daughter?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, no. I put I saw your vagina. Rather have him go out with Ike Turner than Andy Dick. Bobby Brown. I. You know what I mean?

[Joe Coy]

That doesn't even sound right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a.

[Joe Coy]

Guys, gather around. Papo's got a big announcement about your sister.

[Bald Brian]

I'll tell you how bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Liz, she's d. Andy Dick.

[Bald Brian]

You know the show eight simple rules for dating my daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I.

[Bald Brian]

You can make a show one simple rule. It's Not Bobby Brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Bobby Brown.

[Bald Brian]

That's how bad it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I would. All right, one more, one more. We got it over here. Yeah. Shout it out.

[Gina Grad]

Isn't Andy Dick gay?

[Adam Carolla]

Andy Dick. Andy Dick. Andy. Andy Dick is. Is not gay. Or he may be. I. Ooh.

[Joe Coy]

But wait, he always had.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, no. Yeah, he.

[Joe Coy]

No, he always defiled the youngest, most beautiful woman on the. Yeah, I'm dead serious.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Andy Dick will piss your dick off because he's gay. And then he shows up and he's got his arm around a 19 year old blonde chick you've ever seen before. Impregnated.

[Joe Coy]

Very black behavior.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Joe Coy]

And he like knocks up all the white girls he's from.

[Bald Brian]

Andy Dick is a rare human being in the sense. It's very rare that you have the last name of something you love more than anything in the world.

[Joe Coy]

I almost spit this beer out, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. That's the truth. Yep. Love of God and country. I understand. Sorry. No, Andy pisses you off because he's supposed to be gay and he shows up with hot blonde waif models all the time.

[Bald Brian]

But then I think he watches Mickey Rourke. I'm at a hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

You could be. Yeah, probably right. He probably watches Mickey fuck him at home.

[Bald Brian]

Welcome to show biz.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, one more before we call the night.

[Joe Coy]

How about the ladies here?

[Adam Carolla]

We have a young lady here. Sorry. Yes. Pacquiao versus Mayweather. Jimmy already hit me up for tick. You know, he's. He's buying tickets already.

[Joe Coy]

I don't want to go. I want to be at home for this one.

[Adam Carolla]

You do?

[Joe Coy]

Because I want to see the fight. I mean, the fight, it's in Vegas. But.

[Bald Brian]

But fight night is a great night.

[Joe Coy]

It is, but it's not about the fight.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you're missing a huge opportunity.

[Joe Coy]

I probably will end up going.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I mean, you're black. You can wear a fur hat. I mean, you. I. I got to show up in sweatpants and you can wear whatever.

[Joe Coy]

You see what I'm dealing with right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. Right here, brother. Right here. A lot of privilege.

[Joe Coy]

It's focusing right here, brother. It's focus right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Fur hat. Wearing a fur hat is. I'm.

[Joe Coy]

I'm in focusing right now with this. What's up, man?

[Bald Brian]

The white dude in the back.

[Joe Coy]

Did you guys settle your differences?

[Adam Carolla]

That. What do I do when this darky's yelling like a animal?

[Bald Brian]

They're both white guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're both white.

[Bald Brian]

Like, huh? What the do I do?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a very Rare white on white crime that doesn't have a blue.

[Joe Coy]

His voice was getting high, though. You know, that's when fights start.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's screaming like a goddamn animal. I want to hear him. I want to hear you tell jokes anyway. All right, so I think. I think we like Mayweather on this.

[Joe Coy]

Who do you think Mayweather? I just want it to be a good fighter.

[Bald Brian]

I want Mayweather to kill I. Because I. I may to want whether I'm a fan of him as a man. He's a gambler. He's a man's man. I like him. I want him to go out there and just beat this guy up. Well, that's what I want to have.

[Joe Coy]

I want them to fight each other. I want them to fight. I don't want it to be like.

[Adam Carolla]

Pop, pop, pop, right.

[Joe Coy]

Mayweather's giving them the mean mug. This is round 11. Someday that punch will be thrown. It's going to. Oh, then the fight's over. No, I want them to really try.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, they're going to want to do it because there's going to be a two and a three. Three. And we're gonna talk. We're talking about 200.

[Joe Coy]

I want to date Wanda Ronda Rousey, man. I like her rap. Have babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

You know my challenge with her. No, you never raise your voice.

[Joe Coy]

What the. Did you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to get in the octagon with Ronda Rousey and see if she could get me into an arm bar before I came. She will. That would be. That would be my challenge. You know what I mean? She'll do both. Just buy enough time to come. Come. You know, she will do both. We'd be rolling around, I'd be trying to use my free up my arm to grab my dick, you know, doesn't mma.

[Joe Coy]

Adam, have you ever noticed that mom is always there? The pops is nowhere to be found.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's that way. Families. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

He hit the.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's that dude? Where was. I don't know. But listen, get the out. No, I will ar you. There should be.

[Bald Brian]

She's my daughter.

[Joe Coy]

Water.

[Adam Carolla]

There should be a service because my. My boy's doing a report on Shaquille o' Neal and his dad took off. You're kidding me. Yeah. I mean, sorry. I mean, you're sitting down. It happens. That's the only case in the black community that comes to mind. But still there is that one.

[Joe Coy]

Well, there are exceptions.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, what I'm saying is.

[Bald Brian]

Kid was going to be seven that's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm dealing with?

[Joe Coy]

See what I'm dealing with?

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody should tap him on the shoulder and go, in another 17 and a half years, this kid's gonna be a gold mine. Where are you going? And they should have done it with Ronda Rousey, you know, like the parents don't.

[Joe Coy]

I'm waiting for the dad to come back. You know he's gonna show up. She keeps winning. He'll show up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I hope he shows up.

[Joe Coy]

Men do.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope he shows up and says, I want to borrow some cash. He goes, fine. He puts his hand out. She gets an arm bar and rips.

[Joe Coy]

Those will will him up. Yeah, they will his ass up Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, women much meaner than men, like the guys, they go into the octagon, they shake hands, they do the fist bump thing that they do the Howie Mandel style, like at the beginning of the round and stuff. What do they say? Stands there.

[Joe Coy]

You just beat the out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Love you, man.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, cool. Respect. I got T shirt line.

[Joe Coy]

My shit is all fucked up. Thank you, though. Thank you. You very much. Hey, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Smart mouth, baby. Yeah, smart mouth. You want to get laid out there, young fellas? You use some smart mouth. You can't have that breath out there.

[Joe Coy]

Good night, ma'. Am.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart mouth activated mouthwash. Works in 12 hours. It works for 12, and then you do it again. You do it twice a day. You're good. Gets rid of the cigarette breath. Gets rid of the pot breath. Don't.

[Joe Coy]

Or if you suck your own. Your own breath. Bingo.

[Adam Carolla]

That's got to be a weird argument, right? I'm smelling on your wrath. Hey, that's my own. Don't think I'm into anything weird.

[Bald Brian]

That's my dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart mouth. You can get it at the CVS pharmacy. You can. It's in the. In the green shiny box. I got the mints here. I love. I actually traveled here with the mints. I love this. I love it so much. I couldn't take the mouth wash because it's in too big a container and I couldn't transport it. And when it tossed away. But it's smart mouth. Thank you, guys. All right. I want to thank Artie Lang for coming out here tonight. Artie, poor chick comes back from the bathroom and we're splitting. Artie quitter is where you go. Artie quitter. Subscribe [e-mail] One word you can. His book Crash and Burn. Of course. That's been out. We know that. Also, you can send him a tweet at Arty Quitter and his website. Arty quitter.com.

[Bald Brian]

I'M doing a. Yeah, thank you. I'm doing a show for my kitchen. I've been late eight times.

[Adam Carolla]

Live shows with Dag, by the way, coming up in Baltimore. Thank you, David Allen. Career dot com, baby.

[Joe Coy]

But right now it's dot net. It's still dot net. So we, you know, flip it over.

[Adam Carolla]

Caroline's here on Friday night.

[Joe Coy]

One show only, huh? Village Gate next week, the 12th.

[Adam Carolla]

March 12th. The great David Allen Greer. The great Artie Lang. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo.

[Joe Coy]

All right, that's Adam Kollishow, 1525. Come next, we have Adam Kollishow, 1537.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Coy, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop from 2015. Hey, Joe Coy.

[Gary]

How are you, sir?

[Adam Carolla]

Always good to see Joe Coy in studio or anywhere, honestly. Gina Grand.

[Gina Grad]

Good day.

[Adam Carolla]

And bald Brian, Uh. Oh, that word.

[Caller]

Salad days wanted that with the hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Coy mentioned he was tired before the show started, which he never mentions, so he must be doing something that was.

[Gary]

That was the most exhausting two weeks of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I will. I will. Yeah, I can. I just finished mine on. I mean finished.

[Gina Grad]

But don't be a 1 upper.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I said before, finished on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, tell us.

[Gary]

I just, I. You know, I went from West Nyack. I did the shows there and then flew to Vegas and had to promote my Treasure island show for five days. And every day was like three radio shows and two TV shows. Three. And it was like no sleep up until I got on stage. I was still doing TV promo.

[Caller]

He was doing it from the stage.

[Gary]

I was doing Come out Now and then I had to drive to Bakersfield the next morning and do that. It's just. It's been really tiring. So I took this week off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, nice.

[Gary]

I actually canceled a gig. I don't even have my voice anymore. I've never been beat up that hard before.

[Gina Grad]

You do sound a little scratchy.

[Gary]

Yeah, that was rough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you don't realize. Well, first off, the people who make your schedule aren't living your schedule. No. So they'll do the. Well, the car's gonna pick you up at 7am now, you finish your live show at midnight or whatever. The car's coming at 7. But I was able to do is get back sack and ass crack to do the call before 7 so we can get you before you get into the car. And go to good day, whatever. And it's like, thank you. Because their job is to see how much shit they can shoehorn into a 72 hour period. But what they don't realize is they're sleeping during that time. And what I have to tell people all the time when they do the, well, it's six o'. Clock. Everyone go and enjoy your evening. I go, oh, no, I'm going to Caroline's to do shows. I'm not heading back to the hotel at this point. And they don't factor in lunch or dinner or anything. It's just right or just you time.

[Gary]

They don't even factor that in. Does your family think that you're just having fun? Because my mom and my sister don't fucking know what I do. They think I just go up on stage, have a good time, and that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all I did. I'm a star.

[Gina Grad]

I get to be on tv.

[Gary]

I came into Vegas, went up, you know what I mean? Went up on stage and then just left. She doesn't know that. My mom has no idea that there was work that whole week. She gets mad at me. Oh, you can't even see me this week. Wow, okay, well, enjoy spending all your money at the craps table, Jose. That's really what my mom says. She really thinks that there's no work. And I'm completely just trying to ignore her. It pisses me off. And my sister.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said to my wife a million times, psychologically, when I walk through the door and you're on top of the bed in your bathroom robe, it's devastating. After I've been through what I've been through, considering it's one in the afternoon, too, I'll make you a Swiffer out of like balsa wood and Styrofoam. And it won't even have a thing on the end of it. But you just time it. Time it. You know, Adam lands in Burbank at 11:30. He's gonna get his shit, he's gotta pick his car up from the valet. Figure about 12:30, just be pushing it in a circle around the kitchen when I watch this, when I walk in. And then I'll take a nap and you can go back. Back to whatever. It's psychologically damaging. Everyone thinks I'm insane for having that conversation, but it is now. She will say, and it's true. Hey, I got my laptop open. I'm doing Mangria business from on top of the bed in my bathrobe. I'M working and I'm like, I believe you. There's something devastating about walking into that. That's all I'm saying. I just wanna see somebody with the rubber gloves on going, ah, the f. And trying to get calcium off the. Off the. Off that tub is no easy task. As I walk through. Remember when chicks used to wear the rota? They'd wear the hair thing or whatever. Yeah, yeah. There was that. The smarta rag. Like, I missed the schmarta rag. I missed the rubber gloves. I missed that. Oh, man. Cleaning the oven.

[Caller]

The good old days.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst day of the month when you have to clean that up just in the middle. Honestly, the problem is not that there's not work being done. It's all being done via a computer now. And why shouldn't it be done from your bathrobe on top of your bed? You don't need to get into smart business attire and stand up and do it. I get it. I'm just saying psychologically, I just want to see the smarter. With the rubber gloves. Just one time.

[Gary]

Just once.

[Adam Carolla]

Just once.

[Gary]

You're physically going in and getting. That's what I want to see.

[Adam Carolla]

Not pretend to. Maybe we can put the computer in the oven and you can just lean over the oven. But you're smarter than the rubber gloves.

[Gary]

Or at least taking it off in front of you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gary]

That'll make you feel good. Pulling the rubber glove off and just looking. You're like, fuck, that was crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. It's usually kids floating in the pool with, like, a juice box on their belly. And their biggest difficulties. They can't lean up from the raft to get to the straw. I need a little help here.

[Caller]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. Somebody tilt me up. I can't get to my. I can't get my Capri sun straw from where I am. And if I lift it up from my face, it'll just spill on me.

[Caller]

Yeah, the straw's not a straight straw. Like an animal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, I know you. At least you get to head back to an empty apartment. Right? Or an empty house.

[Caller]

Yeah, empty life.

[Adam Carolla]

An empty life. But at least you have that waiting for you. No, there's a dead ficus plant waiting for you. But at least that symbolizes you on the road for the last few weeks.

[Gary]

Just bags. Bags with used clothes spewing out of it and just no laundry being done.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But nice.

[Gary]

Yeah. Fast food cups everywhere. It's just a horrible life.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're out. And by the way, Joe, if you want to see him, because it's a constant touring. Yeah. It's just the Golden Gate Bridge. Right. Get to the one of, go back, go the other way. The yo and Joe show, by the way, the podcast and then also the live events. Jo Koy. Say it right, Joy. Joe Koy. K O y j o k-o y.com is where you find out all the events, what's going on and all where he's going to be.

[Gary]

I'm gonna have to start making Joy shirts. Cause it's getting really fucking annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When he gets on stage, yell Joy. Everybody, please.

[Gary]

They listen to you, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Please yell Joy. All right, let's see. I got some stuff to get to. We got some stuff to get to.

[Gary]

Gave my dad his Expedition. I gave him an Expedition Ford. Yeah. The one I just bought. I gave it to him today.

[Adam Carolla]

How was he with that?

[Gary]

Flabbergasted.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he? Yeah. Was he appreciative? Yeah.

[Gary]

Because he's that guy that just. He's frugal. He's the one that said this is his best suggestion. Suggestion. He goes, joe, when you walk to your car, always keep your eyes on the ground because you'll never know what you find.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah.

[Gary]

I've saved up $27.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Pennies and dimes that I saw on the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

Gum, spent tampons. It's a treasure trove stuff down there.

[Gary]

He can sell it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Snot rock. It's awesome.

[Gina Grad]

Full condom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's great. And everyone thinks you have super low self esteem.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's awesome. Yeah.

[Gary]

Yeah. He's missing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. My dad did me a great service in that. I used to have to lease him. Expensive automobiles is one of those things I did, you know, because I guess there's a part of me that always wanted to be an athlete. So when I hit it in show biz, I thought, what would a brother do right now? And I said he'd lease his dad a Cadillac. My dad always drove around pieces of shit because he was paying for them. So I leased my dad. Dad a nice car. I think I started with an Infiniti and then went to a Jag at some point. I think about three cars in every three years. He put well under the mileage that I paid for on the thing, but one year just stopped. And I know you guys have heard this one, but I'll tell it to Joy. He started driving. It was so insane. My dad is such an insanely bad businessman. When I say businessman, business is sort of. Here's what I would like you to.

[Caller]

Do for me the economics of you.

[Adam Carolla]

The economics of you, whether you're selling burritos off a truck. And by the way, if you're selling burritos off a truck, on the side of the truck, show a super happy guy with a sombrero, but do not show a Mexican who fell asleep drunk on train tracks and whose truck was taken out by commuter trains because you will sell less burritos.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see what I'm saying?

[Gary]

For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Try to help you. Yeah. You know, and whatever it is you're doing in life, there's a, you know, you're trying to get. Sell a burrito, get a blowjob or buy a burrito or buy a burrito or get your son to buy you a burrito or an automobile. You know, use a little strategy. Yeah. So my stepmom drives like a beige Honda seat, which I always say, that's the car that people drive when people don't want to own a car, but they're forced to. Like, if those people lived anywhere near New York, they would have nothing. But in la, everyone is forced to drive a car, and that's the car you drive when you really don't care. You just don't care. You want to get from A to B. You don't want to spend a lot on fuel. And my dad, ironically, his Jag that I had leased had gone into golden time. It was like a 36 month lease and we were into the 37th month.

[Caller]

You liked it that much?

[Adam Carolla]

I was paying for month to month while attempting to figure out what his fourth car would be. Luxury car would be leased. And he had a habit of pulling up to my house in his wife's Honda seal. And then I would have this conversation. Dad, the car I lease you is expensive and it's free because you're way under the mileage. I already paid for the mileage. You're at, you know, 24,000 miles. I paid for 32. And we're beyond the lease. That car, you own that car. You are depreciating when you drive it because you're putting mileage on it. Your car, you essentially drive for free because I prepaid for those miles. But it's a much nicer car. And why wouldn't you drive the car I lease you? And he would go, I don't know, park behind me in the driveway or whatever it was. And I'd say, all right, well, do it next time. And then he'd pull up in the CR V the next time. I think he did three in a row of driving the old lady crv. And I said, well dad, now this is going to be easy in terms of what car you're going to get next. You're getting nothing. If Wonder Woman had a car, that's what it'd be invisible. You're not getting anything. And he said why? Why you're not driving the car. I get you now. And he said what's that have to do with it? I said what do you mean what's that have to do with it?

[Gina Grad]

Everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything. And he said I drive it. I said yeah, but not to my house and not when I tell you to drive it. And then I said I told you you were under the mileage. And he went yeah, I didn't quite understand that. How'd that go again? And I was like, is he not.

[Gary]

Driving because he doesn't want to put miles on the car?

[Gina Grad]

Is he a 15 year old girl? This doesn't make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Be nice, I drop a digit on him, but quick maybe.

[Gina Grad]

Did you. Do you ever consider the fact that they switched cars because she wanted to drive the fancy car?

[Adam Carolla]

Honestly, looking back on it, because there is no rhyme or reason to this. A, it's called being out of it. B, it's having again, no business sense. You're looking, hoping, praying that I lease you another car but you keep pulling up in another car. By the way, it's not like she's driving Ceelos Bentley. This is a fucking CR V with cloth interior. Yeah.

[Caller]

What you're talking about requires foresight. How about just the every mile you don't put on the car that's already paid for and you do put on the other car is kind of a little bit a couple pennies out of your pocket for every mile.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Caller]

The miles you choose to put on the CR V and not the car that's being leased for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

You're double dipping in the wrong direction.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, because he's a horrible business person. I think his thought was his Jaguar got 4 miles less per gallon or 7 miles less per gallon than the CRV. So he was going to save a couple of pennies. Got it. Meanwhile he only lived eight miles away. He wasn't saving that. He was putting mileage on the wear and tear on the car that they own and must maintain.

[Gary]

Unbelievable.

[Caller]

That's Pennywise and Pounds.

[Gary]

So he was saving on the gas. That's what this smart man was doing.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But he saved me now tens of thousands of dollars because it's it's been almost a decade and I've never had to lease the guy another car just because he couldn't get his shit together for about a two week period.

[Caller]

Congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. You won.

[Gina Grad]

You don't want to lease him at beige CRVs, they got a matching set.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he gets nothing. And I remember having this great conversation where I was going, don't you understand how that would make me feel? And he goes, not at all, not at all, not at all. I really don't know what you're talking about. And I, and I said, you really don't know how that would feel? No, I didn't know that was part of the deal that I had to drive. And at a certain point he didn't want anything. So what should I do then? Go home? Just drive in a circle? I like when people go with the big extreme that turns you the absurd into the monster. Yeah, like a leader from a Banana Republic from the 70s. Yes, or off with your head. No, to my fucking house. Just to my house. Just then I don't know where you are after that.

[Caller]

What you like is people using the gifts you get them. And this is an example.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's like buying someone an expensive gift and they leave it on their work desk or choose to wear another.

[Caller]

Version of the same gift that they got themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I was, you know how, pardon the pun, I was able to get psychological and emotional traction with the old man. Yeah. I realized. And this is the beauty of the one they call place. The only thing that guy in my life that I've ever really seen him enjoy is the trumpet. Plays the trumpet. He loves the trumpet.

[Gary]

Does he play it well?

[Adam Carolla]

Eh.

[Gary]

Or is he just blowing into this thing?

[Adam Carolla]

We got the blowing part, right? Oh, yeah, no, he played it when he was younger. Like real young. He went to trade school and learned to play the trumpet.

[Gary]

Like that's where you learn how to play a mean trumpet, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

How did metal work?

[Gary]

Miles Davis went to trade school. You saw what he did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Dizzy Gillespie was in the same graduating class.

[Gary]

Man, the poor pictures are just hanging in the wall in the office.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about his jersey. The thing about. The thing about. Well, this is, you know, south philly in the 40s or something. Hi, I'm Miles Davis. If you want to learn how to play a trumpet, come to trade school. The dudes in school of trumpet playing, I'll tell you how to blow into a motherfucking trumpet. Hello. No, they were a little more realistic back then. And I would Suggest we harken back to a simpler time when you sized up guys like a 15 year old Jim Carolla. And you want to do what? You're not going to college, son. Come on now, you want to push a mop or you want to play a trumpet? Being in a big band, I was.

[Caller]

Going to say playing a trumpet was a reasonable trade back then. Every band included several trumpets.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw I Love Lucy. I knew which way the wind was blowing. That was a gig, man. You got in with fucking Lawrence WELK. That was 40 years of nothing but sitting there and watching old people dance. You know, living a dream till you got bubble lung inhaled too many of those fucking bubbles that went off at Lawrence Welk. All right, the point is this. It was an actual trade. Play the trumpet. So he understood, understood. And then later on had a renaissance with the trumpet. A new love affair. Rekindled the love, rekindled his love affair with the trumpet. And that's when I realized if I used trumpetes, I could speak to him through the mouthpiece, the metaphoric mouthpiece of the trumpet. You know what I mean? Let's clear out the spit valve, old man, and really talk mouthpiece to mouthpiece here. And I said, all right, you don't understand what I'm talking about. You don't get what I'm feeling. Let's say there's a guy you played with at a Thursday night session, you just played with that guy, and he had a piece of shit trumpet. And he said to you, hey man, I'm kind of down on my luck. Could you buy me a new trumpet to use? And he said, yeah, but when you went out on Thursday and saw him next, he wasn't playing the new trumpet, he's playing his girlfriend's trumpet. And you went like, hey, man, where's the new trumpet I got you? And he went, it's at home. I play it, you know, but not on the Thursday night. And then at some point he came up to you and went, you know what? I need a newer trumpet. What would you say at that point? What would you tell the guy?

[Gary]

Go blow your girlfriend's trumpet, piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

He went, okay, I get it.

[Caller]

You got through to him.

[Gary]

He still got it.

[Adam Carolla]

I got through to him. No, I didn't still get it. He now all of a sudden got it.

[Gary]

Now he drives the Jag in a circle.

[Gina Grad]

Did he get stumped again when you said, you're gonna buy some stranger a trumpet?

[Adam Carolla]

And he's like, whoa, whoa, I'm not blue. Slow down. Yeah, I had to scream hypothetical nine times. But once I put it in the trumpet form, I think he got it all right.

[Gary]

Does he play the trumpet?

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Gary]

And are you scared to say something? Cause my dad plays bass and he always tells me, hey, I'm just. Just gonna. I gotta practice my bass. I just want to tell my dad. Fucking stop already. Stop. It's been 20 years, that's all. Yeah, and it's just chords that don't even sound right. You're playing the letter A every now and then.

[Adam Carolla]

All he has is the trumpet. That's it. So the Jim Carol story, you know.

[Gary]

It'S kind of a sad sight because my dad plugs his headphones into the. The monitor because his wife doesn't even want to hear him play the fucking bass. So I'll walk into his office. He always does it. It's like once a week he does. And it just happens to be when I'm visiting him. And I'll open the door and he's just fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't hear anything.

[Gary]

You just see his hands. And then he'll look at me and shake his head like I'm fucking killing it over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Just fucking laying down the Barney Miller. Laying down The Barney Miller. Vegas.com. that's what you. You guys should lay down. Spring, man. Time to visit Vegas. I just got back from Vegas. Home of the white cab driver, everybody. Yeah. The last bastion of the white cab driver. Scary, haggard, but at least the guy speaks English. Everyone. March Madness. That's right. NASCAR clubs. It's all going off. You get 10% off of everything except for White cabbed.

[Caller]

Everything in the copy.

[Adam Carolla]

I vamped that. I. That's what you get. That's what you get. Nothing against other cab drivers, but there can be a language barrier. You're welcome vegas.com youm're welcome vegas.com. 10% off everything except for the air hotel packages. You go to vegas.com. they're from Vegas. They work it. They're locals, man.

[Gary]

10% is a lot of money in Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially, especially, especially, especially when they got this [e-mail]. they got the drop watch. It's a tool, monitors the price of the hotel. So you book, oh, I don't know, Treasure island and the price goes down. They alert you, and then you pay the new lower price. Well, that's cool. They're not stiffing you. Go to vegas.com right now. Click microphone, top right hand corner. Enter Adam. Get an extra 10% off everything but the hotel air packages. That's vegas.com. click microphone. Get the bonus savings by using the code ace. All right, let's see.

[Gary]

I'm gonna be performing for the fight. I'm gonna be there May 1st.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna be there for.

[Gary]

I'll be there at Treasure island, performing.

[Adam Carolla]

The night before the fight for the Pacquiao fight.

[Gary]

And I'm going to that fight.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you going? I got an email from Jimmy a few weeks back that said, going to the fight.

[Gary]

Does that mean and you're going.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be cruel if he just said it. Him and Ben Affleck were going. Look for him ringside. If you find someone who'll be willing to buy the pay per view, by the way. How about this? How about pay per view? You buy the pay per view, but the people who come to your house got to work it off a little bit.

[Caller]

They got to earn their share.

[Adam Carolla]

Bring some seven layer dip. And in between, why don't you bust some beer cans in between some of the prelim fights? Like, why are you paying the. This will be $89 or something like that. And you gotta provide all the beer.

[Gary]

Yeah, that's bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'll go to a pay.

[Gary]

Per view party and just go, what's up? And go through the fucking door. Have something in your hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Have some fucking micro bruise going. And like, just don't bring a friend. Fuck you. Why did you bring him? Don't bring a friend. That's right. It's always a dude the other person doesn't even know. And now you're feeling like, what paid 89 bucks.

[Gary]

You know what pisses me off the most, Adam? Is when you bring. When that person brings the friend. And when the friend leaves, he goes, hey, man, thanks for inviting me. I didn't fucking invite you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

I want to tell you to bring something next time, asshole. Or don't come.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, wow. I agree. That guy sits frustrating.

[Gary]

There's only three people at my party.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I.

[Caller]

Very exclusive.

[Gary]

See you later, bro. Yeah, get out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. Yeah, don't. Don't go pay per view empty handed. I want a fucking plate of lasagna when you come through that goddamn door.

[Caller]

I've seen Adam.

[Gary]

Do people pretend that they don't think that's fuck. Because me, if I go to a pay per view party, like, someone invites me, right? I always go, do they want me to bring something? I always say that, and I do. I think that's why I get mad. Because these people that go, they have to feel like they know they were Supposed to bring something.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Gary]

And you're pretending that you didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right?

[Gary]

You're pretending.

[Adam Carolla]

You're pretending to walk.

[Gary]

You're pretending to go into this stranger's house empty handed and not feel like, oh, shit, I should have brought some. You can't fucking feel like that. Yeah, everybody feels something, right? Because I do. I wouldn't want to go in. I always call and go, hey, I'll go to Albertsons. Let me bring something, ship something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd even go with a Radiohead pay process, which is the following. Not for Joe. Not for Joe. If you enjoy the party.

[Caller]

If you enjoy my house.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you do a thing where you go, look, I got a coffee can. There's a slot in front of it, and we're on the honor system. It's like up front, there's gonna be some brews, there's gonna be some nachos. I'll have the fight on the big screen. And you come in.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pay what you can, but if you're bringing your fucking buddy from work, definitely put an extra 20 in that can see you at the end of the night, how you fare.

[Gary]

And I swear to God, that can better not clink.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't want to hear anything.

[Gary]

I don't want to hear a sound when you slip.

[Adam Carolla]

Those better be Susan B. Anthony, and they better still be in the role.

[Caller]

Fucking doubloons.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's. That's right. All right, let's see. Somebody's got a call for Sir Joe.

[Gary]

Not buying bubble gum.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a Joe question. We got a Bjork question. Let's see. Nick, 31, Oakland. Hey, guys. What's going on, man? Enjoyed the movie, Adam. Loved the movie. Thank you. Thanks for watching. Loved it.

[Joe Coy]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a question for Joe. Joe, I know you believe you're single, and I know you do pretty well on the road with the ladies. Do you have any type that you gravitate toward? His type is at the bar.

[Gary]

I guess, breathing or have a job.

[Caller]

It's negotiable on both, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but these road hookups, how can they ever possibly be serious?

[Gary]

No.

[Gina Grad]

Do they know that?

[Caller]

Pretty quick with that answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Nothing worse than not knowing the name, like, right after everything happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

You're just like, it was nice, you know, meeting you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

There's nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Are they women that you generally introduce you after the show is that they come up after the show?

[Gary]

Yeah, that's the icebreaker for me. It's like, you saw me perform, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So you're Already here.

[Gary]

I'm a funny dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And not only that, but they feel like they know you. Which I always say, Gina, is the most important thing. They feel safe. They feel like. See, most.

[Gina Grad]

Well, that's the Bill Cosby effect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, most, Absolutely. Most women, even if the guys they're attracted to, the guy don't want to just go get in his car and go drive somewhere at night with him. Because Ted Bundy was pretty easy on the eyes, too. But when they know you as Jo Koy or Bill Cosby, then they go, oh, I know this guy. I mean, I can go to the room with him. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

What could possibly go wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gary]

Gina helps them to drink. Gina, are you thirsty? Look a little parched. So you want to have the drink? Just take a sip of this.

[Adam Carolla]

I like his bathrobe. Yeah. So, Nick. Yep. You have a type. I swung around to from white to minorities. And then I got the car and it was the best of all the world.

[Gary]

I like how he said it went from white to minority.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a wide swath.

[Gary]

I went from white to other.

[Adam Carolla]

Check that box. Not a handout. It was other. It was other. Well, look, you know, I will say this. Of almost all guys I know who, whenever they try to, one of my, one of my many, were not racist. Every guy I know would prefer a hot chick of any minority versus a five or six white.

[Caller]

Not me.

[Adam Carolla]

Not you.

[Caller]

I probably would. Actually, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably would. Every guy I know would take a hot chick, fill in the blank of anything versus five or six of their own. You know what I mean? Or like, I like, you know, look, everyone loves a hot blue eyed blonde. That's one thing. But I'm talking about, about maybe you don't go black, or maybe you don't go Asian, or maybe you don't go eastern Indian. But I'll find you an example of one that you will go over the five and a half who's a blonde. Yeah. And we let our fucking cocks do the voting. We vote with our cock. Cock and balls. You know, some people vote with their wallets. Guys vote with their cock and balls. So when you say like what type? The type is hot for most guys. And then within that there's no rule. There's some guys who are into a certain thing, but it all is trumped by hot. Yeah, always. Hey, Adam, I have a question about your cock.

[Gary]

All right, we'll leave it at that.

[Gina Grad]

Get that drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Ryan, was that you in the movie or did you Have a prosthetic in there for the.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, the tent.

[Adam Carolla]

I whipped up that boner on. Yes. I had it made with a lime and a toilet paper roll. That was what I told the prop guy to do.

[Gary]

That's generous.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, I actually made it myself. That's what you came.

[Gary]

I want to show you what my looks like. But if you have a toilet paper roll kind of like that with a lime dangling at the end of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I put my in it. And then I asked Kevin Hench if he wanted to jump in too, because.

[Gary]

I have a portobello mushroom you can put on the top of that. That'll be accurate.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I did say go downstairs to the bar and find the smallest lime you can find. It was. We're. You know what, Adam?

[Gary]

It's not the lime that I'm arguing here. I care less what size lime the toilet paper roll is. What I'm getting at.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, a toilet paper roll is pretty girthy.

[Gary]

It's girthy. It's. Come on, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst piece of sushi I've ever tasted. Number one. Yeah. Don't ever order that.

[Caller]

I'll knock at that again.

[Adam Carolla]

Number. Number one. Number two, I may have rolled it over and taped it up. I can't remember. I didn't have a choice of many different items to use as a shaft. We were up against it. We had not planned anything. Yeah. It would have been fairly grandiose to do that the week before at the shop. This was 13th floor of the hotel. We're shooting and we need to get it now. Someone's got to run around. That's pure MacGyver.

[Gary]

I will say this, though. It's your script and you knew that scene was coming up. You waited till the last second so you could get a girthy sized cock for your.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not know. It struck me at the last moment that my guy should have a boner. That's what. That's. That's what happened. I don't know why I'm getting so defensive.

[Caller]

Paper towel roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Come on.

[Gina Grad]

Well, yeah. Joe's putting your cock against the wall. You out of defend yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. John. Hey, how's it going, Adam? Good. 42, Texas. Yeah. I've been a fan of yours forever. I enjoy the show. Thank you all. All for what you do. It's great every day. I've always wondered, though, either during the Kroc days or the Loveline days, have you ever met Bjork? I'd love to hear you have a great Bjork. Story. No, I love Bjork.

[Caller]

Odd question from 43 year old man.

[Adam Carolla]

God, I saw everybody roll through that place at one point or another. The point where you can't even really remember anymore. I probably saw her, but she was proud. She's landing.

[Caller]

She would have stuck out.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably in sweatpants. And I love that video of hers, by the way.

[Caller]

Oh yeah, it's also quiet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I love that song. I love that video.

[Caller]

There's a Spike Jonze directed video.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. I love the fact that she's nuts and from Iceland.

[Gina Grad]

Iceland. And she wears that dead swan dress and she says people want to know if Bjork is wearing a swan dress. But I say, is a swan wearing Bjork? That was her whole interview.

[Adam Carolla]

That's great, Joe. You just got hard, right?

[Gary]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I loved it.

[Gary]

That was amazing.

[Caller]

Someone got a toilet paper roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, John, the answer is no. Good answer. Sorry. I probably passed her in the halls up there and gave her a what's up? Look or something. But nothing. Nothing. But you're a fan. Okay, great. Well, I don't know everything about Bjork other than I love that song and I love that she's nuts and that's good enough for me.

[Gina Grad]

What else do you need to know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like she's not pickleback. Yes.

[Gary]

Adam, I have a question for you. How do you feel about this Pacquiao and Manny fight? And Manny and Mayweather has the. Did I say Manny and Pacquiao? Mayweather And Pacquiao and Mayweather is like his company is the one promoting this fight. I feel like that that's wrong. Like, I feel like especially the state of that boxing is in. You know what I mean? We all know that boxing isn't the most honest business out there. I don't want to say anything.

[Gina Grad]

Conflict of interest, you're saying?

[Gary]

Well, not only that, but they have a history of, you know, rigging these fights and it's. How do we deal that? How do you. How do you go into this fight and betting in Vegas? Which I think is wrong too, that. You know what I mean? Vegas is supporting this fight and the guy that's fighting in this fight is also the promoter of this fight. And it's just like, it's kind of. It's like how, how can you honestly sit there and go, okay, the odds are on my favor, I'll go ahead and put the money down. You don't feel safe because there's a history and you know that Man, Mayweather is actually promoting this fight. I don't know how to explain it. I just want to hear what you think. Like, I think they should have done an outside promotion.

[Adam Carolla]

The judges and the ref are going to have to be incredibly vetted for this fight. There's no way anybody's going to get in there. Who. And as I tell these guys all the time, they take these judges and they go, here was a fight. Here's a championship fight they judged a year ago. How did they come come out? Yeah, they come down on this to see where they are, see if they're in tune with what other people are seeing, if there's fair. Because when you see a fight where they have it 15, 13, 15, 13 for Johnson and then Hernandez, he has it 121 to 99, you go, okay, something's fucked up about this guy. He didn't see what the other two guys saw or the whole girl or the whole world. So they're going to vet out those guys. I mean, they'll get some guy who's very well vetted and, you know, maybe they'll argue over what gloves they're going to use for a little while, but.

[Gary]

But who will get that guy? Because it's Mayweather's promotion. Yeah, that's the part that sucks. It's like he has full control to hire and fire whoever he wants to.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he's not going to say, this is my cousin Evander. He's going to be working the fight.

[Gary]

But it's not going to be that obvious.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going to be a name we've heard for the last 30 years. So it's going to be hard for them to buy that guy, so to speak. So I'm not worried so much about that. Look, here's all I'm worried about. My only thought on this fight is if Mayweather is feeling like he's getting to Pacquiao, let's say, in the third round, I think he's going to turn it down. I think he's going to say, you know what, if he thinks he could get him out of there, I'm not going to take him out in the third round. Or. And possibly vice versa, although I don't think it'll be vice versa. Let's make sure we get 12 rounds. Let's make sure it was a competitive fight. I don't give a shit who wins. The Next fight's another $75 million. Who cares who wins, wins. They'll be the next fight regardless. So I think the big picture here is we must get to the second fight and possibly the third fight. That's. That's.

[Caller]

That's good business.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. I mean, the amount. The amount of money that they would leave on the table. They. By the way, Gary's writing me a note that the Pacquiao camp program proposed a $5 million fine if they should test positive for performance enhancing drugs. Oh. Mayweather rejected it. Ooh. Why did he reject it? I thought it was the other way.

[Caller]

Plot thickens.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, either way, look, all everyone's gonna do is talk about it. And yeah, I got the email from Jimmy saying he's gonna get tickets for everyone and maybe even like a private jet or something. So we'll look forward to that.

[Gary]

I'm happy about that, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. Yeah, have fun. In the nose. All right, Somebody's got a question about his daughter.

[Caller]

Line five is great. I want to hear this story.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Hey, Melinda. 40, Fresno. What's going on?

[Melinda]

Oh, a little bit livid. I just got back from my 14 year old son's meeting with his principal. He was suspended for three days based on a sexual harassment allegation. Not by another student, but by something that the principal said made him uncomfortable. What started out? Apparently he was playing truth or dare with three or four other boys on the campus, and one of them dared him to ask another girl, tell another girl he was going to kiss her on a slow boat in China, which took me forever to figure out if there was a reference to that or not. So far, I haven't found anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That was my. Well, they're slow boating to China.

[Melinda]

Pardon me?

[Adam Carolla]

They're slow boats to China.

[Caller]

I've actually never heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it? I think it's like.

[Melinda]

Well, Adam's gonna tell you 13 year old kids, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of taking a long walk on a short pier.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Melinda]

Okay. Well, he decided. The girl didn't complain. She didn't have a problem with it. Her mother actually called down and said he was making the principal was making her uncomfortable by making this an issue again. They suspended him for three days. They've taken away. Part of the thing I told them this morning is, look, you guys have taken away every sport that they have on campus. They can't play anything during school with a hard ball. No football, no baseball, no soccer, if you consider that a hard ball. I told them, look, your campus is huge. Send them to the back of the campus if they're hitting other kids with balls. But you can't wrap them all in bubble wrap or send them out to run laps if they're being over aggressive. But sending him home for punishment and putting this on his permanent record where he's missing baseball practice, he's missing his track meet, he's missing school on top of everything else. And my whole thing was you guys took away everything they can do do. So what else are they going to do except play truth or dare? And where the hell were you guys when they were playing truth or dare?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there is, I think, a war on young boys. Abso fucking lutely. All the shit that young boys do has been outlawed. That's fucked up. When you're 11, 12, 13 years old. All the shit that young boys do. And I don't mean do because. Because there's this fucking bullshit in our society where it's like, well, if they see other boys doing it, they want to emulate. No, no, it's ingrained. It's in our DNA. It's in our DNA to tackle other boys. It's in their DNA to go up to girls and kiss them. It's our DNA to do all of this fucking shit. Throw a ball at another guy, wrestle another guy. Physical contact. It is fucking encoded in it. And we've decided, decided that everything they do is bad and must be eliminated. So now you have a bunch of fucking guys with their thumbs up their ass. Yep.

[Caller]

When I was in first grade, we're in the hot lunch line, boys on one side, girls on the other. And I saw a girl that I thought was cute and I walked up and kissed her. I can. What do you think would happen to a kid who did that today? That's like sexual assault.

[Adam Carolla]

Still be on Devil's island where they filmed Pepillon trying to figure out a way to get the coconuts together so you could jump off the cliff and float to the mainland. It'd still be there.

[Caller]

Timely reference.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone has seen Papillon. It's a great film.

[Melinda]

What he wants to join the military. He plays every Sport. He's probably 4 inches with no exaggeration. And 25 pounds of muscle over the principal at the school. Which makes me wonder, what I wanted to tell him is, what the fuck happened to you in school that your parents passing such weird judgment?

[Adam Carolla]

The nerds have taken over already established that one.

[Gina Grad]

Feisty.

[Adam Carolla]

They've taken over the world. It's insane.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Melinda]

Tell your have this on his permanent record. Obviously. And that's what they're going. So now I have to do a school board meeting. Now I have to, I mean, it's taking so much time out of everything we've gone.

[Adam Carolla]

I, look, I, I think it's easy, but you can just blame the lawyers. I, I, I've told you the sexual harassment meetings that are mandatory, the sexual education or the cultural education mandatory, whatever at your work you should not go to. Everyone should just not attend. I mean, if it's a company the size of fucking Sony or you have seven employees, whatever it is, don't go. Just have everyone go. No, no. Now Sony is going to have to lay off 86,000 employees. Just say, no, say, listen, I have no history of this activity. I've been employed for 20 some odd years or whatever it is and there's no history, no reports, there's nothing in my file. I do not have to go to this, by the way, I shan't be rolling by an AA meeting on my way home either because I'm not an alcoholic.

[Gina Grad]

Precautionary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Now you get three DUIs. All right, it's time to swing by the meeting. But this is zero DUIs don't drink. Happily married for 20 years. Guess who has to kill a fucking afternoon with the chick with the huge amber beads in the fade wearing the fucking dashiki. Okay, fuck it. Don't go.

[Gary]

Yeah, I'm with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't fucking go. Don't go. And then sue them for wrongful termination when they fire you because you could win that case. Everyone just fucking, just have a fucking sit in. Just knock it off, kids.

[Melinda]

I told him, if you guys can't allow them to play with any hard balls, with fears of somebody being hit in the face, how the fuck do you have organized sports after school? Why the fuck are you guys organizing sports after school?

[Gary]

That's the kind of mom I want right there.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, and thank you for not getting mad at your kid and going, oh, you're disgusting, and making him feel more shamed than he already does.

[Gary]

Yep.

[Melinda]

They didn't do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I know he didn't do anything.

[Melinda]

And said, you're making her feel uncomfortable around him by making something so stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's the whole point. Here's our biggest problem. Everybody needs to be on record as having a big time reaction to everything. So the poor principal has to be on record. Record as, oh, no, there was discipline, swift discipline for this. Because it can't get back that we find out a year from now that he heard this and went, well, you know, rub some dirt on it, walk it off, no big deal. Everyone has to be Outraged. I think Gary, there was a story I was listening on Dennis Prager show today. He was talking about a story, I think it was out of Brown but somebody was going to come to in and have some sort of debate. There was a student of the feminist whatever club was going to debate somebody, another female who made her name for that club. Yeah, whatever the fuck it was. Cunts R Us, the FWC again together again.

[Caller]

Item number one, new name.

[Adam Carolla]

They were going to debate because the person, the other gal was basically saying this is not a rape culture. Like you're trying to say this campus has a rape culture. Which is the newest thing that ever. It's just rape culture everywhere because everything's rape because. And in it for this. They didn't want to have the debate because it would upset too many people. But then they had a room that people could go to if they were upset by this debate and chew on a towel like Jerry Turkish Canyon or something. And they literally had like cookies and milk for those who were upset and they would show videos of puppies. This is fallout shelter. This at college. Yeah. This is fucking college. Yeah. God for God damn bit. I'll bet you. You know there's no one more excited about this than the Chinese because they are seeing, they're seeing us slow slowly turn into full blown pussy. Yeah. Just fucking full pussies neutering ourselves. Full fucking pussies. And they're probably over there, Joe, what would it sound like? But they're probably looking at their watches thinking about another six to nine years we invade. Yeah. They won't even be able to lift.

[Gary]

We will wait for them to cut all their penises off and fight a small country of pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because we don't play rough. The boys who do what boys do. You know what boys do? They fucking roughhouse.

[Gary]

My son punched me in the stomach at the ice cream shop and goes, let's play mercy. He's 11 and that's what boys do.

[Gina Grad]

He punched first and then invited me.

[Gary]

Punched you Right in the gut.

[Gina Grad]

Gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they wanted. It was. Yeah. Would you like a Hertz donut? Yeah. What's a Hertz donut? Boom. Right in the arm. Hurts, don't it? Yeah, that's all. All the shit we used to do. All the stuff we'd be suspended for. So yeah, it was at Brown University and the sexual assault task force met with administrators complained that the debate would be damaging to any victims that heard the debate. Well, first off, you don't have to show up at the debate.

[Caller]

Don't you have homework.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a debate going on somewhere right now. I'm not there. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Do you guys remember the take back the night marches in college? Does that ring a bell?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I did not go to college, but, yes, I wanted to take back the night march.

[Gina Grad]

You know, I have to say, I went, I think, when I was a freshman, and it was pretty cool to be able to walk around at night and be like, ooh, I'm out at night, and I'm in a big group, and I'm probably not gonna get assaulted.

[Adam Carolla]

Candle through a paper plate.

[Gina Grad]

Yes. And this is actually the problem that I had with it. And some people aren't gonna like this, but you finally get to the end of the campus or wherever, and there's this big vigil and women name the names, first and last name of men that they say assaulted them. And that actually made me incredibly uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the reason it makes you uncomfortable is we're not sure if the guy physically raped someone or did kiss you on a slow boat to China. Because everyone's gonna make. Eventually everyone's name is gonna get onto that list. There's no. Everything you do on the road is technically rape. Yeah.

[Gary]

You are raping on the road.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything you do, you rape the road. Some people do the road. Well, Joe does the road. He rapes the road. No, it all involves. It involves alcohol. You're at a fucking club. It's 12:30 at night. No one's sitting there drinking a Sprite.

[Gary]

No one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so that's rape.

[Caller]

They bought a ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

So the prostitution in California, it's fucking rape. All right, let's see. Again. It is a war on young boys. It's taking young boys and tell them to not do what comes instinctively. And I don't know who decided this was an awesome idea. It's insane. It started with, there's no difference. There's no separation. There's no difference between girls and boys. Boys. And then that somehow morphed into, so boys. Why don't you just knock it off and act like girls? I don't know why. There was no meat in the middle. There was this. There's no difference between girls and boys. All right, well, then, thus, boys act like girls, and they don't fucking want anything to do with it. I got a son and a daughter. They went nothing, literally. Last night, my daughter decorated. Decorated. Picked a bunch of flowers, put them in a little vase, Put a bunch of rose petals and whatnot in the vase, put water in it, set the table on the outside. Outside, like, patio table, cleaned it off, set the whole thing up. Put a little pitcher of water in there, got some drinks and put them out there. Set up the thing with the napkin and tried to fold it right and all that kind of of shit. And then said, I got a surprise for mommy and daddy and went in the house and got us and brought us both out and said, we're gonna eat dinner outside tonight. My son stood eight feet away and shot Hoop the entire fucking time. He didn't look at her, he didn't help her, he didn't do shit.

[Gary]

And he didn't want to eat dinner either.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted to get back to shooting Hoop. That was all he wanted to fucking. He did. Not interested at the fuck all at anything she was doing. They both came from the same place and are exactly the same age. Totally different human beings. Totally different.

[Caller]

Hope you reprimanded him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's on the list? Yeah, he's on the sexual offenders list. That's very symbolic, seeing that ball go through while she's working.

[Caller]

Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gary]

All right, can we go back to the boy thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Gary]

So this is. This is just my son being a boy and his teacher. This is when he was like three years ago, I guess, third grade or second, I can't remember. Anyways, he had to draw pictures of something that, like, if it was a pig, he had to draw a pig. And a house. He had to draw a house and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Gary]

He drew a pig. And the teacher called and she goes, you need to see this pig that your son drew. And it was circling and literally a dick for a nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally.

[Gary]

I still have the piece of paper. And she goes, I'm really concerned about this. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. And your son, blah, blah, Drew, you know, look at it. And I was like, oh, my God, that is a dick. But I went to my son and go, joe, what is this? He goes, it's a pig, right? Look at his nose.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a dick nosed pig.

[Gary]

Why? So it's just, you know what I mean? Like, that's just him being a boy, I guess. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, my son just made a mandatory trip to the therapist. Really? Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Who is it Mandatory for?

[Adam Carolla]

What? The school needs him to see a therapist so they can make sure that he's not X, Y or Z.

[Gary]

You gotta be kidding me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck no.

[Gary]

I was in the mall yesterday with my son and there was an advertisement that said, ennis, E, N I, S. And then my son walked up and put A letter P with his hand next to it.

[Adam Carolla]

And he was like, dad, here, dad. Yeah.

[Gary]

And you know what I did? I laughed harder.

[Caller]

A tear came to your eyes.

[Gary]

I was like, that's fucking genius, son. And then we went got a retzel pretzel together and I'm not even sure that happened yesterday. That's what we do. I did it when I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, my daughter, some chick came up and put sand in her hair. And I was like, yeah, that sounds funny. And she's like, no, it's not funny. And I said, it could be. And she's like, no, it can't. I said, yeah, I definitely. You're talking to a guy who's throwing shit at his friend. So sand would have been a welcome relief from Ray taking shit out of paper towel and wedging it in my ear. But either way I wouldn't even counted sand. But she was like complaining to her mom and I was like, yeah, maybe she just had a sense of humor. She's fucking around like, let's not all get that concerned. But yes. No, Sonny had to go to the therapist.

[Gary]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Turns out he's fine, but he's a little boy, likes to stare out the window and think about kicking a ball around rather than doing his social studies. And that's a big problem.

[Caller]

They're trying to identify potential like school shooter type kids. I mean, I can see it, I can see it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're trying to identify every. It flies in the face of every third grade boy while the fucking sun is shining to sit in a room and stare out a window that ironically looks out on the PE yard and you're staring at a basketball hoop but there's nobody there and you're staring at a field to run in, but you're not there and you're just fucking staring at it. There's no 8 year old boy on the planet that just wants to sit inside with a middle aged woman, little bit heavy set, and fucking learn about the Civil War. When there's shit to be done out.

[Gary]

There, how far can I throw that rock?

[Adam Carolla]

That's how fucking guys. Little boys are wired. Some a little better at it. My son, yeah, he's a little slow on the draw. You know, he doesn't, you know you have to tell him twice, he doesn't pick up. He's perfectly smart. Sweet guy, smart guy, well mannered, great kid, but that's not into whatever's going on. Guess what? Neither was his dad. Neither are most dudes I know. No, it's actually the rare exception that you find the kid who's really fucking into whatever is coming out of that woman's mouth instead of whatever's going out there on the yard.

[Gina Grad]

They wanted to see if they could medicate him. I bet.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know everything. Everything is about checking a box. Everything is about going. We will explain. Accept no responsibility for whatever happens to him. Because we sent them to this other guy and that guy's certified and he said he was okay. So we don't have to. We have no liability. Everything is just about liability. Don't ever suspend the kid who did the slowboat to China Kiss. Because I don't want to be liable. Have that kid go visit to a therapist. Arguably the most normal kid you'll ever meet is my son. And he's got a to go part, by the way. This is. This is for everyone now. Yeah. You don't get more normal than Sonny. Everyone shall be. When you thaw out your jizz, Brian, and you shit out a kid. It's the most beautiful thing that nature ever.

[Caller]

I mean, don't romanticize it. I know it's going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

You know that kid, at some point is going to probably before their 10th birthday will have to swing by a therapist's office and kill a fucking day just with nothing, for nothing.

[Caller]

You know what that is?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a waste of my time. Thank you, Sonny. Get his ringtone. All right. Let's do a little news, shall we? Gina? Graham. Sure. Oh, wait a minute. I got one more call here and then we'll queue that up. Luke. What's up, you sexy bastards? What's going up, man? What's going on? 35 Studio City. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Caller]

Real quick, Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't wait to hear your baldy one on it follows as fucking great movie.

[Caller]

Is it really good?

[Adam Carolla]

It was really good, dude. It was really impressive. It was scary. Scary as hell.

[Caller]

I'll check it out.

[Gina Grad]

Can't get better than Chappie. No, that was the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Cannot. All right, Luke, have you had the misfortune of trying to buy a pair of pants lately? Adam, I. Usually people give me pants, but yes, go ahead. What's wrong with these pants?

[Joe Coy]

Who are these people?

[Adam Carolla]

I am with a 35 inch waist.

[Gary]

I have a 35 inch waist.

[Adam Carolla]

36 and 34 are the two sizes of pants. There's no such thing as a 35. So the 36 a little baggy. 34, a little snug. That's me. But go ahead. Yeah, well, you got it worse Than me. But somehow a 36 has now become a 34. And the pant leg is so tight. They only make. Pants are fucking skinny, people. Now you can't see the goddamn pants.

[Caller]

Listen to work blue.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Hey, look.

[Gina Grad]

What are you. Melinda?

[Adam Carolla]

There's two things that drive me insane. One is the designer whose sizes run super small. So when I would go to Rodney, who was doing the man show wardrobe, and I needed a tuxedo or suit or something for a bit, and I'd climb into it and I'd go, I'm a 42 long. This thing. I got my arms here hanging out like Fred Gwynn over here. It'll make sense a little bit. All right. I'd go. He'd say to me, that is a 42 long.

[Caller]

Fred Gwynne is the last guy to wear a tuxedo.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that tuxedo. But it's Herman Munster's arms hung out. I said, hey. He'd look at me. Sorry. He'd get indignant and he'd look at me and he'd go, that is a 42 long. And I'd go, 40 is a 42 long. My arms are hanging out of the fucking. And he goes, that designer's long or really small?

[Gary]

What does that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

It's the same thing you do when you go to the fucking steak joint and you go, just give it to me medium. Our medium. Let me tell you how our medium. How about your fucking mediums? Like, everyone's medium.

[Gary]

Yeah, Medium is medium.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, imagine if gas stations work that way. Our gallon.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not even near half a gallon. Like, well, what are we doing here? Then? Make your fucking medium a medium. And make your 42 long. A 42 long. And let's get the fuck on with our lives. And by the way, this is why we have labels. Yeah, but I'm glad Rodney was able to beat me on a technicality by looking me in the eye and go, that is a 42 long. Just that designer's 42 long is like a 40 regular for everyone else.

[Caller]

He showed you.

[Gary]

Yeah. I hate that when they fight when you go and get a shoe and they go European.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, these were on side. They're 11. It's like a nine.

[Gary]

Another.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, they don't run. They wear the different sizes. Yeah.

[Gary]

10 half is a six and a half in Europe. What kind of fuck is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can I say this or this manufacturer's company. This company's 11 is a lot smaller than this company's 11. It's a unit of measurement. Can we not just fucking measure out what an 11 is? You could assign a millimeter, an inch or whatever. You could say, here's what 11 is. It is 11 inches. And then that will. That shall just be an 11. Here's what a 42 is. It's 42 whatever, from armpit to the end of. And then it'll be uniform. And then we get the fuck on with our lives. The same with the. Here's how we do our steaks and.

[Gina Grad]

Guys are going to start doing it. My 7 inch penis is more like a 4. It fits more like a 4, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Center of the anus to just past the tip. There you go, look.

[Gary]

That's why I'm 14 inches.

[Adam Carolla]

Luke. All right. Thanks, man. Don't forget my shitty podcast, Looking Good radio. All right, buddy.

[Caller]

Sure to cut that out.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Luke. The pot smokers laugh. All right, where were we? The news. Yeah, give me the News with Grad News with Gina Grad Show B Congress Tech news, sports news, World news.

[Bald Brian]

Give me news with Gina Grant Winch.

[Adam Carolla]

The News with Gina Grad.

[Gina Grad]

Well, five years after reaching the NFL pinnacle by earning a Super bowl ring with the New Orleans Saints in an all pro season, Darren Sharper is looking at a long stretch in prison after his lawyer said Friday the former safety reached a plea agreement that'll settle rape charges involving at least nine women in four states. All the alleged incidents came after Sharpe's retirement in 2011, and the cases involved similar allegations that he slipped drugs into women's drinks and sexually assaulted them when they were unconscious or otherwise unable to resist or consent.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine times.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, one of those chicks that the Cosman was with so many years ago must have gotten pregnant.

[Caller]

Oh, for sure. At least one, I'd imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe there's a little DNA testing to do here because do the math with Darren Ern Sharper. Well, I'm saying he's about the right.

[Caller]

He's known as one of the funniest free safeties.

[Adam Carolla]

He's about the right age.

[Gary]

Always came to a game of the cigars.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. We'll find out what year he was born in, because a lot of those allegations are coming from right around that.

[Caller]

Time, you know, probably around 1980. 81, 82.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I say the apple don't fall too far from the tree. 1975. Whoa. Bill was in his hate, you know, that's when he was making the rounds.

[Gina Grad]

We should see what kind of robe Darren is wearing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's see if he's got that Partridge family robe on there.

[Gary]

Gotcha, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. God, what are these fucking guys thinking?

[Gary]

Well, you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get it. You.

[Gary]

It is being thrown at you, but for some reason, nine times, you. You wanted to steal it.

[Gina Grad]

You're a psychopath.

[Gary]

It's being given to you for free. Nine times?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How many times? Nine. Nine times saying nine. Yeah. So what's he getting time wise?

[Gina Grad]

Well, from what I understand, nine times nine years. Yeah. Okay, well, Gary says nine years and from what I understand, they're combining. They're combining all of the charges, right? Yeah.

[Gary]

That's a nice little package.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So each one's worth a year, apparently. Or how many times he did it, whatever it is. Nine times. Okay. All right.

[Gary]

Is that just a bad lawyer? Did he have a bad lawyer? Because R. Kelly, he was caught red handed.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't serve any time.

[Gary]

Not one day, he didn't serve. And from what I understand, red handed with videotape.

[Gina Grad]

And he's beloved by many people love R. Kelly, but I mean, they were.

[Gary]

Both looking at the camera and he.

[Adam Carolla]

Was like, oh, shit. They're doing the whole lip breaking or looking at a young Bill Cosby wearing shoulder pads. Yeah, he's played for Temple, I think.

[Caller]

No shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Temple University. We'll put it up on the website. Playing football.

[Gary]

Similarities playing and the right being said. That's my son right there. Good boy. Nine years and it's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's find out if Sharp Sharperson may not. Is it Sharper? Sharper. Sharper may not. We'll see if he knows his dad. Well, look, it sounds like an insane question to us, but my mom never told me who my dad was. The population of DBs in the NFL who are having a great relationship with dad. And it certainly increases.

[Caller]

Probably not 100%.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if there's one, then it's less than 100%. Yeah, like maybe Jason Seehorn didn't know his death. Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's possible. The one fucking white quarterback 20 years.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now it gets thicker. The plot thickens. We'll see if Sharper knew his dad. But anyway, could be the cause. That's all doing, I'm saying.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

That kind of blew me away.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Gary]

That picture was pretty.

[Gina Grad]

That was damning.

[Gary]

That was pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I should be lawyer.

[Bald Brian]

You are good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

What are we going to see first? A black corner? A white starting cornerback or a black starting place kicker?

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. I'm going to say the black starting. Well, we've already seen a starting white corner, but again, well, I'm Sorry. Yeah.

[Caller]

What will we see next? What will be the next thing to occur?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to say, say that we see the black place kicker, but it ends up being kind of boring because he's from another country.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And while technically black, not Eddie Griffin black. You know what I mean? We want Eddie Griffin cold tooth black. You know what I mean? We're gonna get some weird thing where his dad. He speaks fluent. Whatever his, like, three other languages he speaks. We're gonna Tony Parker.

[Gary]

We want the black where he kicks the field goal and grabs his nuts towards the camera. He doesn't talk to the media. That's the black we want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or when he actually uses his dick to try to steer the ball after it's left the tee. Tell where the wind's going, which way the wind's going. Grabs a handful of pubes. He throws it in the air and sees which way drifts. That's how he sets up his kicks.

[Gary]

He just literally reaches in, grabs a handful and throws it up like LeBron does with powder.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. You see which way the wind is blowing.

[Gary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So he knows how to angle that kick.

[Caller]

I agree.

[Gary]

And his shoes are gator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, gator shoes. And tries to smoke the hash marks because he heard hash. That's all. All right, where were we?

[Gina Grad]

Well, the hit 80s TV puppet show Fraggle Rock is getting a shot in the arm. With the help of Joseph Gordon Levitt, the actor has come aboard to star in and produce the feature film. And for those of you who don't remember, we actually, actually have a little snippet of it. Fraggle Rock was a Jim Henson creation that was a hit on hbo. I watched it religiously. You probably did too, Brian. Yeah, it's actually Canadian, which I didn't know. It followed the adventures of a group of cave dwelling puppets called Fraggles.

[Adam Carolla]

I love this right here.

[Caller]

Great song, too.

[Gary]

This made me happy right here.

[Caller]

Puppet songs go.

[Gina Grad]

It only gets better.

[Gary]

Funky joint naked with a boy bowl of cereal right here. I was so happy.

[Gina Grad]

Those are the doozers.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever watch Spider Rock? No.

[Gina Grad]

Is it Gorgs?

[Caller]

You could have done a lot worse for kids.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, this is fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so it's coming back.

[Gina Grad]

So they're gonna do a feature film and it's starring and produced by Joseph Gordon Levitt.

[Adam Carolla]

Little reboot it.

[Caller]

The Muppets movie is great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Couldn't this be great?

[Adam Carolla]

Why not? All right.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, there he is.

[Adam Carolla]

He's great. Yeah, he is.

[Gina Grad]

Would you take your kids to see the Fraggle Ride rock movie?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but my son will probably be in prison by then for grabbing us.

[Caller]

Sidekick for telling girls she looks pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, something I'm telling her. Dress. All right. Sharper. Does he know his dad?

[Caller]

Oh, you're still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a former NFL player with the Chiefs. Had just found it. Still looking for more, but we'll find out who his dad.

[Caller]

Stepdad.

[Adam Carolla]

So we know who he is. All right, well, that's what I told you. He's apple. Still don't fall too far from the tree.

[Caller]

All right, you told us.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you. Well, his dad played in the NFL. All right, but we still don't know if mama you know. You know dad on the road a lot. True, but the chief, the Kaz comes into town, blows into kc. You know what I mean?

[Caller]

Mash up Cosby's Tour schedule in 1975.

[Adam Carolla]

75. She already played the Kansas City Amphitheater.

[Caller]

With the chief road schedule.

[Adam Carolla]

And let's see if we can really get to the bottom of this.

[Caller]

Do some sleuthing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where. Where were we?

[Gina Grad]

Well, this is kind of the other side of the coin to a lot of things we've been talking about. Today an Indian woman is being hailed as a hero for dragging a drunk man who is harassing and touching her all the way to the police station by his hair while dozens of people looked on. 20 year old Pradnya Mandahare was traveling home after a day of classes when this wasted guy grabbed her. She hit him with her bag and he tried to hit her back. She easily overpowered him though, because he was wasted and grabbed him by the hair and dragged him to the government railway police. He was arrested and has an upcoming court date. And Mandari thinks that parents of girls who go to the police, that'll tarnish the girl's reputation. But she asks that they come forward and, you know, stick to themselves. She is gorgeous.

[Adam Carolla]

Did Indian chicks get a lot hotter in like the last seven years or is that just me? Because I don't. I went to like high school and junior high with a couple of weird Indian chicks. Didn't do anything for anybody. Now, I blame bald or credit Bollywood or credit Bollywood, but either way, Indian chicks got their shit together. In terms of cultures, they're the Audi of cultures. Aesthetically, like they're flailing. In the 80s 90s, you wouldn't have recommended like, I want to buy an Audi and bang an Indian chick. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it. No, no. Let me get you into a Swedish car and check, you know, both. But they fucking stepped their game up in the looks department big time. What's going on over there?

[Caller]

They all got together. Listen, there's a billion of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

One of us shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone's got a. I think the turning point. Can you start?

[Caller]

Tell us how it is.

[Adam Carolla]

One of us shower. Come on. I think what started it. I think Madonna, some years ago, found like, the Bollywood chick and announced she was the most beautiful woman in the world or something like that.

[Gina Grad]

Well, there's Frida Pinto from Slumdog Millionaire who is beyond fucking ridiculous, but I.

[Caller]

Know the one you're talking about is very pretty, but this person is. You're talking about the Madonna one who kind of championed her as a Bollywood actress. She was a stunning supermodel.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just Madonna said this. The best looking person in the world. And it was either like, if Madonna said this or Oprah said that, then it just was.

[Caller]

I feel like Richard Gere had a scandal where he kissed her once, like on stage. A huge problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? If you're googling it, Gary. Yep. Remember that. Remember that, too.

[Gina Grad]

I'm pretty impressed with this kid. Not kid, but this girl who gets felt up by this drunk dude and says, and she didn't want to touch him because he was dirty and he's a drug addict. He was just a mess. But she grabbed him by the hair, dragged him all the way to the police. I thought that was pretty impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

Sushmita Sen is who were. Oh, God. Yeah. Good luck.

[Gary]

That's Madonna's pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's wearing Madonna still in a virgin right there.

[Gina Grad]

Catherine Zeta Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

So she got the guy in a headlock, dragged him to.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, when you're hitting on a chick and you're drunk and she gets you in a headlock and goes, we're going for a walk. You're like, ah, where are we going? Yeah, you see the car, the condo? What do we have?

[Gary]

You have a nice place.

[Gina Grad]

A lot of bars. Well, as somebody with pepper spray, two tasers, and a 9 millimeter, I appreciate this.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

And I'd like to not use any of them, but I have all of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Well fortified.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gary]

How many pepper sprays?

[Gina Grad]

Well, just one on my keychain.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

That's why I was dying laughing at the hammer line when you said, don't take the mace off the keychain yet. Because that's.

[Adam Carolla]

You got on your keychain.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I have it right in my purse.

[Adam Carolla]

Right Here.

[Gary]

Has anyone ever used their pepper spray?

[Gina Grad]

I have. Twice.

[Adam Carolla]

You have?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. In Hollywood Boulevard.

[Adam Carolla]

Twice.

[Gina Grad]

And I like, this dude was coming.

[Caller]

Not a fan of Elmo.

[Gina Grad]

This dude was coming at me. We were kind of joking around a little, you know, I was trying to make light of it, but he was like, really, really coming at me. I said, if you don't back up, I'm gonna pepper spray you. And he's like, no, you're not. Yes, I am. And I'm gonna get it under your glasses. Please back up.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, fuck that.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, I just got him right under the glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gina Grad]

And I had to throw it away at the Staples center over the weekend because I accidentally took it in the Kings game. I got a new one.

[Adam Carolla]

So they made you. No bringing pepper spray.

[Gina Grad]

Apparently that's a no no at Staples Center.

[Gary]

Yeah. Rape's allowed there.

[Gina Grad]

Don't bring your mace.

[Caller]

It's a mason.

[Gary]

It's encouraged at the King's Kitchen.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking of, like a vaginal pepper spray, you know, I mean, not. Not to wear out to, like, a friend's wedding or something like that, but when you're going through a tough neighborhood.

[Caller]

You know, make sure it's pointed the right way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When the. Shit. Shit. You know, of all. You run out of all the resources. The taser's out of batteries. Bullet. The guns out of. Of bullets. Or maybe like the die pack, you know, so we can identify the guy.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Every good bank heist movie has the die pack in there. Boom. Yeah. Later on in the car, brilliant idea goes off.

[Gary]

Just like blue guy goes to work, he's like, did you try and rape somebody last night?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Then he gets himself into trouble. No, I was robbing a bank. Shit. There's no good consequence for being covered in blue dye. All right, what else do we got?

[Gina Grad]

Well, Gawker reports that a 34 year old woman named Waikisha Reed was found dead at a Dallas salon after receiving what family members said was her fourth black market butt injection. Waikisha, a mother who worked at a nursing home, quote, got hooked on dembooty shots, according to Patricia Kelly. Please don't, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why I'm against reparations.

[Gina Grad]

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

The one I want that money to go to education. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Police are now searching for salon owners Denise Ross and Jimmy Clark, AKA Alicia. Not in connection.

[Adam Carolla]

AKA Alicia.

[Gina Grad]

That's what it says. Not in connection with Reed's death, but on charges of practicing medicine without a license. And hopefully they'll get him on this too.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this?

[Gary]

Can you just say it one more time?

[Bald Brian]

I don't think anyone.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to say it.

[Bald Brian]

No, I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam shot it. I don't want that money to go into them booty shots. I'm getting some booty shots, Mother.

[Bald Brian]

The check came in again.

[Gary]

Ass going to look good tonight, girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Preparation. I'm sort of naive about the booty.

[Caller]

Going to the Joe Coy show.

[Adam Carolla]

Got to make sure my ass gotta make my ass look good. I. She died, Joe. Have some respect.

[Gary]

Well, anything that had her fourth black market button has to do with plastic surgery. Why do you go black market?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Gary]

I hate to be the mean guy, but you deserve to die.

[Adam Carolla]

Go Whole Foods, you don't stay away from the black market.

[Gary]

You don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I agree.

[Gary]

You get this kidney better price than Tijuana.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Gary]

No, you can't.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not looking for the best price.

[Gary]

Stay in America where we have regulations and the law to protect you. Agreed to go to the alley. Let's dude, just shove some shit in your ass.

[Gina Grad]

Well, and there were some people that make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the shit was probably pre existing condition. I would argue there are some people.

[Gina Grad]

That were getting caulking injection into their ass. They didn't know it. Like window caulking.

[Gary]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. I used to hear like these stories like, oh, the Kardashians, come on. You know, Kim, that's not a real. And I didn't know there was so much ass related shenanigans. I knew the boob job. There's always a lot of hey, is that real? Come on. Sofia Ricardo.

[Joe Coy]

Real expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, whatever it is. But there's a lot of ass. I think we shifted from the boob to the ass. I think we started with the nose. We just keep moving down. We're gonna be like, are those your real arches in a few years. What's going on with the ass?

[Gina Grad]

You're not at an ass, man.

[Adam Carolla]

A nice ass is always nice. But I've always said the one that is just the Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj. Yeah, Nicki Minaj, that's me going at a honey baked ham with a decorative toothpick. You know what I mean? Like it's going to be break. Yeah, I don't got enough. I don't even know if I'll ever get to the chocolatey nougaty center of that ass. Like I may just be all skin, you know, I Literally just may be creasing it the whole time. I can't get to the bottom of that taco.

[Caller]

If you haven't manscaped a while with one of those toothpicks with the.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, with the cellophane on there. Yeah, maybe, maybe sharper can get to that. But I can't get to that for a while.

[Gary]

How do you know what do to do with that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want an ass that dwarfs my.

[Gary]

Even if you have a toilet. Toilet paper roll size.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. With a lime at the end of it.

[Gary]

It's not. Nicki Minaj's ass will trump that.

[Gina Grad]

So what do you do with that? If she was right here right now and said let's do this, you'd be like, I don't know if I can.

[Gary]

There's an angle, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And here's the angle.

[Gary]

But it's only one angle for me.

[Adam Carolla]

I got one angle.

[Gary]

I can't. It do the whole. The reverse cowgirl where she's facing the other way and it's all ass. Then I'm just. Now I'm just humping your thigh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got one angle.

[Gary]

I can't be creative.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my angle.

[Gary]

What is it? I have my angle. I know what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Nikki. Yeah. Let's start with a blow job and then apologize profusely. Sorry, man, it's just. You're so hot. That apricot kissing boson is just so fucking. Sorry, sorry. Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry.

[Gary]

My bad. You can say my bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my bad, sorry, sorry. That's how it would work for me. Yeah. I don't have an angle. It's just blowjob with an apology.

[Gina Grad]

Romantic.

[Caller]

The Adam Carolla story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What would your angle be, Joe?

[Gary]

I would just get my black friend to do it and just go, how do you like that?

[Adam Carolla]

What would he sound like if he was fucking Nicki Minaj? You like that girl? You like that dick girl?

[Gary]

That's all my dick, girl. That's only half my dick, girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, See like when you can grab mid full hand and still have enough to work with in terms of guidance goes. Then you can step up to Nikki.

[Gary]

I saw a porn and the guy's getting a blow job and the girl is jerking off with two hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Put their going opposite directions. He's getting double jerked and the top is being taken care of.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a lot of fucking penthouse A parking structure, the middle floors. Yeah, yeah. It's two fisted fun and plenty left over to work on up top.

[Gary]

I still sell More cock at the top, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Gary]

What an amazing man.

[Caller]

It's a lot of cock.

[Gary]

Lucky. Good guy. Good guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hell of a guy.

[Gina Grad]

Salt of the earth.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, salt of the earth. I'll tell you. Salt of the Earth. Stamps.com. man, love these guys.

[Gary]

Can you make sure to plug us right after a cock reference?

[Adam Carolla]

Stamps.

[Bald Brian]

That way.

[Adam Carolla]

About convenience. Stamps.com. you guys. You need to do any postage, any letter, whatever, any parcel, print it out from your own computer and then put on your parcel, hand it to your mail carrier. That easy. Use my name at them, they got no risk. Trial, $110 bonus offer. You get the digital scale, plug it in your computer. This is all we use. Why? Because you think about all the stuff we're sending out. We're sending out posters or Blu rays. I have no idea what a poster and a Blu ray and a box. I don't know. I'd put $50 extra worth of stamps on there just so it wouldn't get the return to send her. Let's not monkey with this. Stamps.com. use the bonus offer. You get the digital scale, 55 bucks free postage. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone, top of the homepage, type in Adam, that is stamps.com. enter Adam. All right, let's do another. What else?

[Gina Grad]

All right. Well, the New York Post reports that two hot headed MTA bus drivers were busted Friday after a midtown road rage squabble in which one kicked the other in the head. Leonardo Pacheco cut off Giuseppe Mariner at about.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Wow. Hi, John. Wow, man. Giuseppe. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

It gets better. Sources said Marinero slammed on his brakes, hopped out of his bus and started yelling at Pacheco, who left his bus and allegedly, quote, booted Marinero in the head as terrified passengers looked on. Pacheco was charged with assault, Marinero with obstructing governmental administration. Meaning I guess you cut somebody off in a government.

[Adam Carolla]

Now where were they?

[Gina Grad]

This is in New York, in midtown. And he roundhoused him in front of two buses and a whole passenger speed.

[Gary]

To actually cut somebody off.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in a thunder bullock. We'll straighten your shit out in a second with that. They must have been heading to Little Italy. It's nice to hear the paisan name. It's kind of refreshing.

[Gina Grad]

Giuseppe Marinero.

[Caller]

Gina's doing stories from 1942.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you check the date on that one?

[Gina Grad]

They got out of the autosom, he.

[Adam Carolla]

Threw his fedora at the other fella, fisticuffs broke out. I tell you, Fisticuff.

[Caller]

It was a melee.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Later in dirigible news. Are you sure? What year is that for? I've not heard.

[Gary]

That's not real.

[Gina Grad]

March 22.

[Gary]

She got that from the Onion.

[Gina Grad]

I swear to God.

[Caller]

Giuseppe Marinaro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Especially in bus related news.

[Gina Grad]

He came out the other guy like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel like I've heard that. Those names and bus related names. All right, well, they're racing to Little Italy and somebody cut somebody off, and that's what she got.

[Gina Grad]

Squabbled.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe. I think Chinatown has kind of taken over Little Italy, by the way, in New York. Yeah, it's bleeding over. I feel like it's.

[Gary]

It's segregated by one street.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

It literally goes from Chinatown to Italy and it's just. It's just one fight away from a war.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's spreading. But don't you feel like Chinatown is growing and Little Italy is of kind. Kind of shrinking?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Well, is it because Chinatown is actually used for people who actually live there, as opposed to Little Italy, which is just for tourists?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think. I think that's it for restaurants. Yeah. And now. Now that you can get gelato anywhere.

[Gary]

Especially in Chinatown, by the way. Chinatown gelato, so much better.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck?

[Caller]

Taking our jobs, man.

[Gina Grad]

Green tea, ice cream.

[Gary]

Green tea ice cream gelato.

[Adam Carolla]

Bungalow.

[Gary]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Gary]

I'm enjoying my time here in Chinatown eating Italian food.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm Italian, you know that. Bungalow.

[Gary]

So much better here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, hold on.

[Gary]

We invented a doodle.

[Adam Carolla]

Doodle.

[Gary]

We invented a noodle.

[Adam Carolla]

You doodle China.

[Gary]

Invented the noodle.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the noodle.

[Gary]

The noodle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We call it pasta. And you guys may have invented it. We perfected it.

[Gary]

Noodle.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. It's. It's.

[Gary]

I think it's your spaghetti. Is my Roman.

[Adam Carolla]

Your Roman ramen? You're rubbing rame. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen, Ramen. Ramen. Oh, ramen. Ramen. Yeah.

[Gary]

So good.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like our angel hair.

[Gary]

So good.

[Adam Carolla]

You like the angel hair?

[Gary]

Yes. Eating ramen.

[Adam Carolla]

You like the rigatoni?

[Gary]

Not so much.

[Adam Carolla]

How about bow tie? I feel like your people wear a lot of bow ties.

[Gary]

We wear bow tie but don't eat bow tie.

[Adam Carolla]

Ironic, right?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if the guys from the Nation of Islam eat a lot more bow tie pasta. You know, it makes sense. You know what I mean?

[Gary]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Where were we in, like, the rigatoni?

[Gary]

Don't like noodle was invented in China.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

Then Italian mess it all up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, you guys rip everything off of us. A tournament, huh?

[Gary]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Where?

[Gary]

Oh, riri o'.

[Adam Carolla]

Leary. Oh, really? Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

[Gary]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. You want to get a nice.

[Gary]

Do not whip anything.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to get a nice. You want to get a nice Titleist golf club for $8, go to China. Wow. Yeah.

[Gary]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

How? Where?

[Gary]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

How dare we?

[Gary]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

How dare me? Sorry. Yeah. Oh, yeah, my noodles. That's right. That's called pasta, bitch.

[Gary]

Come to Mr. Chow. Get right now all you can eat green tea gelato.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So good. No, I can't get into Mr. Chow's.

[Gary]

You're not allowed.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the wait. I mean, I tried to get a booth there.

[Gary]

No fucking way. I saw.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Gary]

Go to Little Italy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, my family like all the.

[Gary]

Chinese people here in China of town.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand we got the paparazzi outside, right? Don't give a. I know, but you know how humiliating it is for me to go back and get turned away from Mr. Chows?

[Gary]

Nobody here know who you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please, please, one second.

[Gary]

Does anybody know who this guy is?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably right now?

[Bald Brian]

No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody.

[Gary]

Nobody know who the. You are, mister?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I don't like to talk about myself.

[Gary]

I don't like green tea.

[Adam Carolla]

Gerardo, I don't want any gelato. I don't want to play the celebrity card.

[Gary]

Then you need to get out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. Hold on a second. The TMZ guys out there. I can't just walk out.

[Gary]

They're here to see me.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll do a whole story about how I couldn't get into Mr. Chow.

[Gary]

I can't wait to read that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. It'll be on tv.

[Gary]

Turner, right there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, let me tell you something.

[Gary]

Do you know you're the only celebrity? I'm a celebrity that tells people that you're a celebrity. You're the only one. Nobody here know you. You know me. The car. He asked if the car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, these guys aren't in my demographic. By the way, you can't ask guys. These guys are fresh off the boat. You can't ask them about me. This is a. This is man show. This is basic cable. This is Loveline. Catch a contractor. Loveline.

[Gary]

Rah Rhyne.

[Adam Carolla]

You know Loveline?

[Gary]

No, they don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not when you don't pronounce it correctly, they don't.

[Gary]

He's going to charge you extra for gelato.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want Any of your gelato. It's gelato.

[Gary]

It's time for you.

[Adam Carolla]

My people invented it. We perfected the noodle. We call it pasta. And I gotta talk to you for another 20 minutes so the guys from TMZ don't think you just kicked me out.

[Gary]

You need to get out, Stone.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Okay, listen to me. Can you give me some. Give me empty tocco containers, please.

[Gary]

That's $14 a piece. Yes, sir. A piece a piece.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing in them.

[Gary]

Yeah, but we packaged nice with chopsticks, so extra soy sauce.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna need, like, eight containers. Otherwise, I'm gonna look like an asshole.

[Gary]

Mr. Crow, that's all I can do for you if you have Jimmy Chemo.

[Adam Carolla]

I know Jimmy.

[Gary]

Then we have a booth for you.

[Adam Carolla]

For Jimmy.

[Gary]

Is he with you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, he's.

[Gary]

Then you need the Leaps doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now. Give me the empty containers.

[Gary]

$14.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Jesus Christ. And scene. Thank you. Gonna go see Jimmy in about half an hour.

[Gary]

By the way, can you hook it up for me? Are you gonna take me to the fight? Thank you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna ask him about that. All right, let's do.

[Gary]

I'm going to the fight. I just want you to know I.

[Adam Carolla]

Know you'll be there. Treasure island day before Yes.

[Gina Grad]

A New York man claims an unfortunate tattoo for an old flame caught him his job. Kirk Sikorso worked as a tool demonstrator at Home Depot for about six months. He was considered a good worker until he showed off his lip tattoo to another coworker. The tattoo reads isis. He claims the tattoo was originally for his now ex girlfriend. He put ISIS on him. She put Kirk on her. A Home Depot spokesman says the decision to let him go was a personal matter. It's not just based on the tattoo, however. Sicorso, who says he's not a terrorist, feels he's been treated unfairly and is considering a lawsuit.

[Adam Carolla]

The folks first off, I couldn't think of a more painful place.

[Caller]

Yeah, think of a couple.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, all right. There's anus and eyeball, but really not a whole lot.

[Gina Grad]

I love that show, by the way.

[Caller]

Not too many.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the best.

[Bald Brian]

Morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Anus eyeball office, stat. I got the mayor and the DA up my ass after that shenanigans over at the pharmacy. He shot up the old farmer's, Martin. I'll do what I have to do, chief. All right. Probably shouldn't share it with folks.

[Caller]

Keep that one tucked into the lip.

[Gina Grad]

He got a little too chummy with.

[Adam Carolla]

A coworker yeah, but also you're there to demonstrate tools. Pretty sweet gig.

[Gary]

And that's the girlfriend's name?

[Gina Grad]

Isis. Yeah.

[Gary]

Bullshit.

[Gina Grad]

That's what he said.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a cartoon, I think a Saturday morning cartoon where it's like. It was Isis, the princess of whatever.

[Gina Grad]

Well, on Archer, they work for. For ISIS.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there was something there. Well, anyway. Hey, us Irvine, Wednesday, 8 o' clock with Ralphie May. Always delivering the goods, man. Love that guy. Corolladrinks.com if you want to get a little mangria, take a knee with the guy who invented the chive, who's a really cool guy, gets a subscription. Adamcroll.com Arkansas all right, one more and then we'll bring it home.

[Gina Grad]

All right. The AP reports that pets might soon be able to use pot under a bill introduced in the Nevada legislature. A Democratic senator is sponsoring the measure that would allow animal owners to get weed for their pet if a vet certifies the animal has an illness that it might be alleviated by the drug.

[Adam Carolla]

We are not gonna rest until everyone is just fucking baked. We will not rest.

[Caller]

Seems to be the mission.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just everyone's gonna be high, every animal. The squirrels will be falling out of trees.

[Gary]

Just fat squirrels.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Lazy squirrels.

[Gary]

Lazy.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna see hummingbirds, like in. In. In hammocks. Yeah, just going like it.

[Gary]

Just walking.

[Adam Carolla]

Tired of flapping. Yeah, I'm just gonna walk and just waving one big calorie burner. Going in a circle. Just one. Bees are gonna be like. Yeah, I'm not really into pollinating today, man. I'm just gonna kind of take. Ants are gonna be like, you know, they call me a worker ant, but I'm tired of that, man.

[Gina Grad]

That's a man talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I may fuck the queen, but I'm gonna take a little break here in the tunneling. I mean, everyone's just gonna be fucking stoned. We just will not rest until everyone rests.

[Gina Grad]

Right, but could you imagine getting a prescription, say, for Molly, blowing a little weed in her ear?

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, she could use. She could definitely use some weed these days. Fucking huge cancerous tumor hanging off her. So that'd be nice. By the way, somebody. First time in history somebody made some homemade treats for Molly when I was in Vegas and said gave them. Not a selling point when they do this one. You can eat them too.

[Caller]

Oh, they're human grade.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Things that are made for my pet, but I can't eat them too. If the plane goes down and we're trapped in Donner Pass, but not Gonna just go home and walk past the Bugles and Funyuns and go. Give me that shit that the weird guy made out of Henderson.

[Caller]

One for you, one for me.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, you can eat them too. You know what I hear you're gonna hate them. And so will your dog. Because what my dog wants is greasy giblets.

[Caller]

Kibble.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird smelling. No, no. What it wants is like guts. Like it wants. It wants. Yeah, it wants giblets like it wants organs. You know that. Just like we might look at what raw fish. You know what I mean? Like they want. So the drier and the more you can eat them too. Less my dog shall be into it. But popped them open while I ate a couple. Maybe she's high.

[Gina Grad]

Did you give one a try?

[Adam Carolla]

Now I have to.

[Caller]

Yeah, now you're gonna pellets.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I have to. Yeah, she made it. All right, let's bring it home.

[Gina Grad]

I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news. Dem Booty shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina. Gina. That was the news with Gina Grad. Ah, Chubbies, man. It's springtime. Chubbies, the magical orb in the sky. It's on fire. It's raining down upon us.

[Gina Grad]

Damn. Booty shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get some shorts on, baby. Let's get some Chubby shorts on. Throwback, man, for the dudes. Kind of like the pair I used to have in high school. Got the elastic waistband. So if you want to overdo it a little on the barbecue or your dogs treats.

[Gina Grad]

Dem Booty shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Go right ahead. Made in the US of A. Sorry. Bung Lu. This stuff's made here in the greatest nation in the world.

[Gary]

Which means you pay more.

[Adam Carolla]

Money does not matter. We get top quality and peace of mind. You familiar with that term?

[Gary]

I actually do. That's what we put inside the treats.

[Adam Carolla]

In China.

[Gary]

It's perfectly lean. No, no peace of mind. Absolutely delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to Chubbyssorts. Use the code Chabrola. That's right. That's like one of the Italian guys who fought on the bus, right?

[Caller]

Is that really the code?

[Adam Carolla]

Santino Chabrola. C H U. Giuseppe. Giuseppe.

[Gary]

I'm trying to trouble boss over here.

[Adam Carolla]

C H U B R O L L A chibrola. And you can get a free Chubby's Beer Koozie. So why not? It's fun. Chubbysshorts.com. use the code Chabrola. Yes.

[Gina Grad]

May I break in with one quick piece of breaking news that I just received from a news alert? Dem Booty shots. Thank you. Governor signs law Making Utah the Only state to use firing squads if lethal drugs are unavailable. This Justin.

[Adam Carolla]

Fine. What's first off? Once you die, you're dead. There's a multitude of ways. You know, when you kind of look back on it, it's like, well, what do you have? Oh, he had cancer. What'd he have? Coronary. What do you have? Oh, bad car wreck, whatever. It's not like we all die the same way. It's not like, well, everyone's. We all get a peaceful, calm lethal injection. Some people get in horrible motorcycle accidents or whatever. There's millions. Some people die very slowly with horrible diseases. So considering that everyone dies in some different fashion, some immediate. Others take course over the course of five years, years shooting, I would say when you take a look at the spectrum of ways to die, Brian is a man who found out he had a brain Tumor in his 20s, dying very slowly, and was also told he might have six months to live. I would argue that firing squad might be a more humane way to go than Brian's initial diagnoses.

[Caller]

Yeah, I was looking at rent in Utah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, my point is, go to Utah and rob a liquor store.

[Caller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is this many. Everyone who's fought in a war died with a bullet.

[Gary]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Good guys and bad guys. So I would argue that they walk in front of the big wall, cigarette and a blindfold. No, they wouldn't let you have a cigarette now. So secondhand smoke for the guys that are fine, that would not let you have it. Probably wouldn't let you vape either. I know. Rules are rules. But the walk to stand in front of the big wall of hay bales, what's the difference between that to the walk to the room where the guy's gonna administer the whatever, and then what's faster, a bunch of bullets to your heart or the thing slowly coursing through your veins and you going into convulsions.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. And the first thing that makes me think of is hanging. There is no way in hell I'd want to be hanged.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you said, me neither. Me neither.

[Gina Grad]

The firing squad. I'll take over a hanging.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

But I want snipers in my firing squad.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to know when it's gone.

[Gary]

I got a couple of dudes that just kind of know how to shoot a gun. They hit me in the kneecap the first time. Like, fuck, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Get my heart.

[Gina Grad]

I'll bring my nine and my taser, see what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You. You don't want the guy from Pulp Fiction who jumps out of the bathroom. Nah, you don't want that. Yeah, you don't want that one where you're like, my fucking earlobe. Somebody shoot, right.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on.

[Gary]

I gotta reload, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna kill you. I'm bleeding out. Just stand still, asshole. Bleeding out? You couldn't stand still if your fucking earlobe was shot off either.

[Gary]

I'd get closer, but I'm not allowed to pass this line.

[Adam Carolla]

Come up and shoot me before I bleed out.

[Gary]

Pick up the apple.

[Adam Carolla]

Put it back on your head. All right, Joe Coy Joy, everybody.

[Gary]

God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Website jo k o y dot. Go there.

[Gary]

Can I plug Treasure Island?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

May 1st, day before the fight. I'm there.

[Adam Carolla]

Performing at the Treasure island and road hard available now as we speak. Go to AdamKrolo.com, click the banner and see it's all on all the platforms. It'll come right to your home. Super easy. Until next time, Adam Krolo for Joe Coy. Gina Grad and Baldine. Say it. Mahalo. Hey, Adam, I have a question about your.

[Gary]

All right.

[Joe Coy]

This is adam Crow show 1537 with the great Joe Coy. That does it for today's cool classics. Until tomorrow, mahalo and get it on.

[Gary]

Here at the Zebra.

[Adam Carolla]

Research shows the average person would rather.

[Joe Coy]

Endure a root canal than search for.

[Adam Carolla]

Auto and home insurance.

[Gina Grad]

Just try to relax.

[Joe Coy]

Or be trapped in a car for eight hours with toddlers on a sugar high. Or remove a nest of irate hornets.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why the Zebra searches for you.

[Joe Coy]

Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find savings no one else can compare.

[Adam Carolla]

Today at thezebra.

[Joe Coy]

Com, we do the searching, you do the saving. I think I'll wait inside.