David Alan Grier + Dave Dameshek (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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The Adam Carolla Show – Corolla Classics

Episode: David Alan Grier + Dave Dameshek (Carolla Classics)
Original Air Dates: 2013 (Clips), Released June 6, 2026
Host: Adam Carolla | Guests: David Alan Grier, Matt Walsh, Dave Dameshek, Mark Geragos, Allison Rosen, Brian “Bald Brian” Bishop

Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode reaches into the Adam Carolla Show archives, bringing top moments with comedy actor David Alan Grier (“In Living Color,” “Jumanji,” “The Carmichael Show”), improviser Matt Walsh (founder Upright Citizens Brigade, “Veep”), and sports/media personality Dave Dameshek. The energy is peak "ACS": raw, quick-witted, and unfailingly irreverent—the chemistry among the hosts and guests powering spontaneous stories, off-color bits, and real talk on everything from family dynamics to fame, race, pop culture, and the absurdities of “adulting.”

The episode is split into two main blocks:

• A 2013 ACS live show featuring David Alan Grier and Matt Walsh
• Followed by a studio segment with Dave Dameshek and legal analyst Mark Geragos

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Main Themes

• Motivation and Bribery in Parenting: Carolla and Grier swap tales of incentivizing kids and the transactional nature of kindness at home.
• Physical Comedy & Medical Exams: A hilarious, uncomfortable window into everyone’s least favorite doctor’s appointment.
• Race, Sex, & Social Satire: Delivered with Carolla and Grier’s classic boundary-pushing, the crew dives into “big ass” beauty standards, interracial relationships, and the communal “nod” among Black Americans.
• Improv Comedy Wars & Backstage Tales: Improv training, the “yes, and…” rule, showbiz humblebrags, and the awkwardness of underemployment.
• Pop Culture Hot Takes: Kardashians, reality TV, infamous pop songs, Barbara Walters’ narcissism, and the endless L.A. bureaucracy.
• News & Society: Racial tension in pop music, prosecutorial immunity, urban identity politics, and busybody neighbors.

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Detailed Segment Breakdown

1. Live in Irvine: Parenting, Motivation & Family Comedy

Timestamps: [03:17]–[13:10]

• Adam & David Alan Grier on Parenting and Bribery:

  • Carolla details his “point system” to get affection from his kids—his daughter gave him a rare kiss:
    • “I couldn’t figure out why my daughter gave me a kiss on the lips when she never gives me a kiss on the lips. And then I heard her going down the hall yelling, ‘That’s two points, Mommy!’” – Adam ([04:43])
  • Grier empathizes: “Isn’t that how our entire culture set up, right?... Work all works that way. Hey, beer maid, go fetch me a Mangria. Well, no. Pay me seven bucks.” ([06:09])

• Medical Exam Confessions:

  • Allison Rosen recounts a rectal exam gone rogue, with the men in stitches:

    • “Let me just say, the next thing I knew, he was putting his finger in my ass... The sensation stays with you.” – Allison ([08:54])

  • Grier riffs on the indignities and economics of medical care:

    • “You’d think you’d pay me for dropping a digit on me. Normally on the street, that’s the way it works. Not only do I get rectally violated, but it sets me back $175 or whatever the deductible is.” ([10:08])

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2. Sports, Loss, and Racial Satire

Timestamps: [07:00]–[08:24]

• Michigan’s Loss & Coping with Defeat:
  • Grier (Michigan alum) and Carolla riff on sports heartbreak and denial:
    • “Like I tell my daughter, there are no losers. Right, guys?” – Adam
    • “You’re not dead, just ran out of heartbeats.” – Grier ([08:19])

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3. Pop Culture, Big Asses & Riffing on Fame

Timestamps: [18:29]–[32:34]

• Comedy about Sex Appeal and Celebrity:

  • Carolla and Grier dissect the appeal of the Kardashians, big butts, and black/white cultural divides:
    • “They have big asses, but they don’t have talent.” – Adam ([19:59])
    • “The black man has more in his frontal area to work with... I don’t want to be dwarfed by an ass.” – Grier ([24:21])

• Improvising & Musical Parody:

  • The gang challenges Grier to perform TV theme songs in Teddy Pendergrass style; hilarity ensues as they fail to hit the right key ([27:12]–[32:24]).

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4. Improvisation, Growing Up & Social Commentary

Timestamps: [43:42]–[51:59]

• Improv Comedy Philosophy:
  • Matt Walsh (UCB founder) arrives, sharing the “game” philosophy: “Play it real and play it smart... Heighten the scene.” ([44:20])
  • Carolla and Grier roast the weird exercises from improv classes and swap stories about their own brush with children’s birthday party mascot gigs.

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5. Race, Social Norms & Group Dynamics

Timestamps: [48:00]–[51:22]

• Black Guys' "Nod" and Male/Female Group Rituals:
  • Adam asks, “Do black guys ever do a thing where they’re like, shaking hands? Because every time a black guy sees another black guy...”
    • Grier: “You have to say, hey, what’s up? How you doing?”
  • Allison contrasts women’s group dynamics: “Oftentimes we give each other a pinched, fake smile, which doesn’t mean anything friendly.” ([49:41])

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6. The News with Allison Rosen: Race in Pop/Country Music

Timestamps: [67:15]–[87:58]

• “Accidental Racist” by Brad Paisley & LL Cool J Debacle:

  • Allison sets up the viral controversy; the crew howls at the awkward lyrics:
    • “If you don’t trust my durag, I won’t judge a red flag.” – Adam reading ([70:06])
    • “I lynched a black man once by accident.” – Grier, satirizing the lyrics ([68:26])
  • Discussion of attempted “social healing” through pop music gone wrong; lampoons the music industry’s self-important efforts.

• Race & Humor: “Ink is Black, Page is White”

  • Sing-along turns into a highly explicit, satirical version, blending childhood nostalgia and Carolla’s relentless sexual comedy.

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7. Cars, LA Bureaucracy & Practical Reality

Timestamps: [101:31]–[109:12] and [165:17]–[172:57]

• Carolla’s Lamborghini Story:

  • “If anyone wants to know about Lamborghini Miuras… they made like 378 P’s that was the first year… The car you’re seeing burning right now is worth between $1.1 and $1.4 million.” ([101:41])

• Red Tape & City Hall:

  • Rant on ticketing, inefficiency, abuse of administrative power—a running Carolla theme.

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8. Law, Justice & the Media: Mark Geragos Segment

Timestamps: [161:34]–[217:00]

• Inside Criminal Defense:

  • Mark Geragos describes defending Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson, Winona Ryder:
    • “Most clients aren’t going to admit it. It’s usually the opposite where I have to confront him and say, look, I’ve got the police reports...”
  • Discussion of death penalty politics, prosecutorial immunity, public defenders.
  • Geragos on public sector cynicism: “A lot of these guys, if they weren’t cops, would be truck drivers. So don’t invest a whole lot into it...” ([192:26])

• Media Narratives & Race:

  • The Trayvon Martin case as example of selective outrage:
    • “It was a perfect narrative...until it hit a bump. The bump was the evidence.” – Geragos ([205:19])

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9. Classic Carolla: Busybody Neighbors & City Overreach

Timestamps: [211:12]–[217:00]

• “Busybody neighbors, they essentially use the LAPD like a stick to beat you with. If you call the cops and the cops show up and it’s frivolous, I want that person fined.” – Adam ([213:10])

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10. Barbs at The View & TV Culture

Timestamps: [151:26]–[155:47]

• Dave Dameshek and the panel eviscerate Barbara Walters’ on-air tribute to herself and “The View” cast:
  • “Just the notion of doing the voiceover for your own tribute is so apocalyptically outrageous and devoid of any self-awareness.” – Dameshek ([152:22])
  • “That is a f***ing horrible show. Everyone has no talent on that show.” – Grier ([154:13])

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “She’s basically a mule who takes messages back. Tell your mama you know, stuff like that.” – Adam on his daughter ([05:50])
• “You’re not dead. Just ran out of heartbeats.” – Grier ([08:19])
• “You’re always surprised when you bust a nut that quick. Ooh, snuck up on me. Jumped out of me.” – Adam on lovemaking ([39:00])
• “Isn’t that how… our entire culture set up? I realized that’s how our entire culture set up.” – David Alan Grier ([06:08])
• “Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies. And they were all free.” – Grier doing mock-movie narration ([02:41])
• “The black man says, ‘I got a… Ford F350. I can handle whatever you throw in the back.’” – Grier ([24:44])
• “I’d like to send a letter to every news organization. But that’s gonna cost money.... Not with stamps.com!” – Adam’s seamless ad segue ([207:19])
• “When you own property, to me, used to feel like there was a reason why you owned something... Now, I do understand the part where...you’re devaluing my property... but this doesn’t fall under that. This is free expression.” – Adam ([211:23])

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Characteristic Tone and Style

• Fast, Overlapping Banter: Comedians tag each other’s riffs with improvisational energy.
• Unfiltered, Candid, Often Raunchy: No subject (race, sex, politics, medical indignities) is off limits for sharp, boundary-pushing humor.
• Combative & Insightful: Regular tangents become de facto debates about social hypocrisy, spotlighting bureaucracy and political correctness gone awry.

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If You Only Have Time For…

• Parental Bribery & Family Comedy: [03:17]–[06:34]
• Doctor’s Exam Anecdotes: [08:37]–[12:00]
• Race & Social Commentary (Black “head nod”): [48:00]–[51:47]
• “Accidental Racist” Debacle: [67:15]–[71:02]
• Carolla’s Rant on City Bureaucracy: [136:10]–[143:46]
• Barbara Walters on “The View” Satire: [151:26]–[154:02]

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Closing Thoughts

This Carolla Classics episode offers a time capsule of no-holds-barred podcasting, with whip-smart, often outrageous wit tackling everything from family to fame, from the minutiae of LA life to America’s deepest cultural hangups. Adam Carolla’s crew turns even mundane gripes—about traffic, city code, or medical checkups—into comedy gold, fueled by brutally honest, often un-pc takes, ridiculous anecdotes, and a camaraderie that refuses to quit.

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[David Alan Grier]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[David Alan Grier]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[David Alan Grier]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[David Alan Grier]

Potential savings will vary every day as a small business owner feels like solving a puzzle. One moment you're cruising along and the next there's a shipping snag that has you scrambling.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's a surprise you will like

[David Alan Grier]

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[Allison Rosen]

So go ahead, surprise yourself.

[David Alan Grier]

Get a quote in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates discounts not available in all states or situations.

[Adam Carolla]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

[David Alan Grier]

Potential savings will vary.

[Adam Carolla]

Not available in all states. Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[Mark Geragos]

If you'd like to access the archives

[David Alan Grier]

of the ACS, the Adam and Dr.

[Adam Carolla]

Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com sign up subscribe and listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us. Classics AdamCarla.com Note we can only play material from the Adam Carolla Show. We could probably play some Adam and Drew show as well, but they already

[Mark Geragos]

do their Adam and Dr. Drew show

[Adam Carolla]

classics so we don't really want to step on that. Nobody ever asked for anything from Ace in the House. I could probably pull from Ace in the House as well. Let me know. In terms of Loveline and the Adam Carolla show that aired on kayla sex from 2006 to 2009, none of those clips can be played. I am remastering both of those shows. If you'd like more information, check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have ADAM Carlos Show 1055 with Matt Walsh.

[Mark Geragos]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt Walsh, David Alan Grier, Alison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2013, live on stage with Irvine Improv. Hope you guys enjoy.

[David Alan Grier]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and. And they were all free.

[Adam Carolla]

The truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Mark Geragos]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow,

[David Alan Grier]

the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay. Never. The gentleman to my left is. No. Allison Rosen on news and commentary. I love you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[David Alan Grier]

And of course, bald Brian on sound effects. Couple good things. A little something about motivation. Every morning when I'm asleep and my kids are going to school, my son comes up, gives me a nice kiss on the lips and says, yeah, no tongue. A little tongue. Not much tongue. 40% now with 40% less tongue. And he gives me a kiss and he says, love you, father. And he goes off school. And then my daughter either doesn't show up to the bedroom or I feel a cold sting of an open palm on my forehead as she slaps me on the forehead and then laughs and goes to school. But today, I got a kiss from my daughter before.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what's up?

[David Alan Grier]

Here's what's up. The point system was implemented yesterday before the kiss. So the whole deal is, is it's if you get five points, you get a dollar. So you get a point to go do this, you get a point to go do that. I was laying there confused. It was early in the morning. I had a. You know, I was a little uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what was going on. I couldn't figure out why my daughter gave me a kiss on the lips when she never gives me a kiss on the lips. And then I heard her going down the hall yelling, that's two points, Mommy.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're bribing your kids to be nice?

[David Alan Grier]

No, my daughter. No, my wife's bribing them to be nice to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they that mean to you?

[David Alan Grier]

She's mean to me. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like kissing my daughter on the lips. It's. I. I wanted to kiss me on the cheeks, but she. She kisses once.

[David Alan Grier]

She kissed you on the lip?

[Allison Rosen]

How old?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I'm uncomfortable with that. 5. She's fine.

[David Alan Grier]

You want the cheeks?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she kisses her mom on the lips.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, you don't want to transfer cooties to the new.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why I divorced that more. But, you know, enough about my past. You know, in a good place.

[David Alan Grier]

Good place is mama with a new dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's remarried.

[David Alan Grier]

She's remarried? Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, so you'd be kissing both of them?

[Adam Carolla]

That has nothing to do with it. That has nothing to do with it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you don't want the sloppy seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

That has nothing to do with it. It just.

[David Alan Grier]

That's more than lips kissing. That's more than lips. That's hips.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Lips and hips.

[David Alan Grier]

That's lips and hips saying cruising. I. Talking about different parts there. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, my daughter's an angel. She's.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, she's basically a mule who takes basically the penis lips of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, more than that. She takes messages back. Tell your mama you know, stuff like that.

[David Alan Grier]

And so now I don't mind the bribery part. Like, I realized, isn't that how, you know? So at first, my feelings were hurt, and then I realized that's how our entire culture set up. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Empty those garbage cans or go clean my carpet or skim my pool or give me a podcast. Right? Be on my podcast.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a waste of my time.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. It's a poor example, but what I'm saying is, is done it all work that way. Hey, beer maid, go fetch me a Mangria. Well, no. Pay me seven bucks. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You really said beer made?

[David Alan Grier]

I said beer made. Like I was old. I was old English. That's old English school. There'd be a different name for you back then, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want to.

[David Alan Grier]

You got a different name?

[Adam Carolla]

Can we. Can we. Before we get into this, I just. I don't really feel good tonight.

[David Alan Grier]

What's the matter?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of things happen in my life. I don't want to go in. I don't want to bring you down. Can I just leave? What?

[David Alan Grier]

Can I just say this? No, please don't. I don't. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[David Alan Grier]

I know. What? I know what's going on. Michigan loss.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did you bring it up?

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Michigan loss. And I know you're from the Detroit area.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more than that.

[David Alan Grier]

I went to the school, Adam, and you went. Yeah, I know. It's alma mater and we're beaten by

[Adam Carolla]

a bunch of Gap Tooth Hillbillies.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes. Or Gap Tooth Hillbillies. Louisville, Kentucky. They can't even read English down there. It just hurts. Still heavily influenced By Jim Crow over there. And yet they come in. Why do you bring race into it

[Adam Carolla]

when it's about basketball?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. No, everything's about race for me.

[Adam Carolla]

You never went to college. You don't.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't even like the fact that this table's black. I ordered a white table.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know what it's like, the

[David Alan Grier]

college experience, because you never went there. I wish I did. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You grew up like a poor black child.

[David Alan Grier]

I did. I did. Except for my dad was around, but not really. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Was that him in the back?

[David Alan Grier]

No. You couldn't hear him laugh. Yeah. Yeah. So Michigan lost. And I know that's upsetting.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't lose. They won. But it was taken from them.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, didn't score as much.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I tell my daughter, there are no losers. Right, guys?

[David Alan Grier]

Right. Winners. Yeah. It just ran out of time. I know. They do that thing where, say, we didn't lose the game, we just ran out of time. You could say the same thing about living.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

You're not dead. Just ran out of heartbeats.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[David Alan Grier]

Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, how much did they not win?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just. How has your day been?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well. My day.

[Adam Carolla]

Theresa, I don't want to talk right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, I had a crazy day.

[David Alan Grier]

What was it?

[Allison Rosen]

I had a doctor's appointment today. New doctor now. I thought I was just going to have a consultation. I was emotionally prepared for just the consultation. That's. I said, I'm just here to talk to him. He suggested what? Why don't we just do a quick exam? And I'm like, ok, wait, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of doctor is this? Upstairs or downstairs?

[Allison Rosen]

Let me just say, the next thing I knew, he was putting his finger in my ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I saved that for the first date. Look out.

[Allison Rosen]

I need. And it happened so fast, like there wasn't enough time to really acclimate because that's the. He wanted to feel my ovaries. And that's the best way. It's the most thorough.

[Adam Carolla]

Was his name Teddy Pendergrass? Because that sounds like flirting to me.

[David Alan Grier]

Isn't that a weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that a weird way to feel the ovaries? But I just went along with it. Here's the thing, though, that. The sensation of a rectal exam, it's one that stays with you. I can still feel it. And I'm so lubed, I might slide off this chair. A, and B, he might still be in there for all I know. I don't know. I can't tell anything Anymore.

[David Alan Grier]

Are there lube warmers? Because I feel like a lube koozie.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called a match.

[Brian Bishop]

Well,

[David Alan Grier]

I. I like my lube. Masseuses have the stuff that warms the oil. Why can't the doctors have stuff? Well, here's the thing about the lube is if you warm it too much, it loses viscosity. It'll go all liquid on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[David Alan Grier]

Next thing you know, you get it. I mean, what do I know? I'm just thinking outside.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just a gynecologist. No, I can't. I can't warm the Luba thing because it's gonna lose viscosity. Get in there.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm just saying. Well, the last time I got the digit dropped on me, the guy said to me I'd never had it done before. And he said, well, I guess you know how this goes now. Actually, I'm not familiar with this. This horrible dance we're about to do where only one partner wins. And by the way, then I pay you, right? You'd think you'd pay me for dropping a digit on me. Normally on the street, that's the way it works. You know what I mean? Not only do I get rectally violated, but it's sets me back 175 bucks or whatever the deductible is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I just got a physical two days ago. And the bad part about the booty hole exam is the finger goes in. You're like, okay, I'm. Oh, that extra, that extras in there. Then he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

And it's like, oh, yes, he felt

[Adam Carolla]

my ovaries and I don't even have them.

[Allison Rosen]

So the last 4/5 of the reaching, I don't know what they. Maybe they twist. I don't know what they do. But the last part is where you're like. You're like, I can handle. I can do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that twist necessary? I mean, what are they looking for?

[David Alan Grier]

No. And especially the reach around. Although I do appreciate that.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[David Alan Grier]

Define how do you do? Here's the thing. Now, I was doing a show with Dr. Drew and I was talking to him about med school and he said they had a cadaver assigned to them. So it was like four people year, right? Yeah, four people and you get your own cadaver. And I was first thing out of my mouth is, what'd you name it? It's like, Jim, they have to name. Of course you have to name your dead hobo who gave his body to science. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Stop right there.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Put yourself in this hobo man's position. I don't know what kind of life he lived. I'm sure some part he was not

[David Alan Grier]

of international mystery, he said, or injury.

[Adam Carolla]

What's gonna happen after I die?

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Good part is you're gonna die a peaceful death.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That part is strangers will be sticking their fingers up your ass right. Until your corpse rots.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, well, that's. That's. That's the whole thing. I mean, you have to. You have to. I'm sorry for the people that order the nachos, but you have to. Is nacho the only thing you can order that you can't bring home? I'm now throwing this out there. I need an answer because I feel like I can bring almost anything home. I don't care how much it congeals. I don't care what kind of mess it turns into. I don't care if it liquefies in the passenger seat of my car. I'll throw in a microwave and, like Frankenstein, bring it back to life. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Nachos are like some kind of magical creature or fly that's only alive for eight hours.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, it's like the chupacabra or something of. Of. Of. Of entrees or. Or of food. Club food. But is there what brings gravy? What can you not? I mean, I could bring.

[Allison Rosen]

Ice cream is the only other thing you can't really bring home.

[David Alan Grier]

You could.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's true.

[David Alan Grier]

That's true. But even that, you could pack a pint. I mean. Yeah, I'm just thinking, like whipped cream. Well, all right. But then now you're getting accoutrements.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just asking me, why does Progressive work hard for truckers? Because truckers unite the world. They unite kids with their first drum sets and parents with earplugs. But truckers can't do this if they're not on the road. That's why Progressive has over 360 heavy truck employees to help truckers stay on time and on track. Quote Truck Insurance today in as little as eight [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

[Allison Rosen]

For a small business owner, every day

[David Alan Grier]

is full of surprises.

[Allison Rosen]

Some great, some not so great.

[David Alan Grier]

Like when a client cancels their order at the last minute.

[Allison Rosen]

But here's a surprise you will like.

[David Alan Grier]

Progressive provides small business owners with 30 customizable coverage options to help keep their business going strong. So go ahead, surprise yourself. Get a quote in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates and third party insurers. Coverage is not available in all states or for all vehicles and coverage selections.

[Brian Bishop]

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[David Alan Grier]

on the water, or parked under the stars.

[Brian Bishop]

At Progressive, they get that you want

[David Alan Grier]

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[Brian Bishop]

about the what ifs. That's why they offer quality insurance designed for your ride, whether That's a boat, RV or motorcycle. Adventure with confidence. Visit progressive.com and see how easy it is to protect your favorite way to get away.

[David Alan Grier]

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[Adam Carolla]

Not available in D.C. prices vary based

[Brian Bishop]

on how you buy.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you bring home anything.

[David Alan Grier]

I should have said accoutrements. By the way, if you don't finish your cereal. Oh, cereal. All right, all right. But again, how many people have Rice Krispies here? Show of hands, hold up your spoon. Yeah, that's right. That's my whole point. All right. Do we have can't with that? Dang. Let me ask you this and tell me what you guys think of this. Do you admire this person? Do you want to kill this person? Or both? I was taking my son to do a little shopping at Target last weekend and I came to this weird spot in Burbank where I would. I had to turn right, but I was looking up at the signal and the signal was red. So I was going to come to a stop because Burbank likes to hand out a lot of chicken shit tickets to people of all color. Dag.

[Adam Carolla]

That's kind of why you looking at me, man. By the way, one of my black tweeters said he doesn't want you to start talking about what the black community

[Mark Geragos]

needs because he feels you're racist.

[David Alan Grier]

Uh huh. Listen, that was me.

[Adam Carolla]

That was me, man. That was me.

[David Alan Grier]

I could fix you guys in a matter of minutes if you just listen to me. But the point is, is the. The Burbank PD is not colorblind. They see one color that's green or whatever fucking color your checkbook is. And by the way, if you want to have fun, you know, when you order your checkbook, order one with like kittens or clowns or something on it. I had, I swear I used to have pink ones that had kittens on them just to with people. And they'd always ask me what that was about. I was like, I like kittens. What of it? But it was when I was working construction, so I'd be riding it to Anahwalt Lumber and I'd Be handing a pink check. Sorry story. Yeah. So I'm turning right. Thanks for keeping me on track. I'm turning right in a demeaning way. I'm turning right, but I'm going to stop because the light is red. And I look up and I come to a stop and I hear abrupt honk behind me. And I look forward to. And I see I have a green turn arrow, which I rarely see. I see the left turn arrows, but I never see the right turn arrows. So I was confused and I did the My bad slash. Heil Hitler. Where I did the. Hey, sorry. All right, I hear you. I should have been rolling. I was looking this way at a red light. I didn't see there was a green. I don't know what percentage of intersections in the San Fernando Valley have the green right arrow, but it's less than 1%. But I gave the bitch the hey, no, you know, I got you. Here I go. And I just went through it. And then she did the thing where she had to punctuate her honk with a speed up, get around me and slide in. Move like, hey, cunt, I heard you. And I gave it a fucking hand wave.

[Allison Rosen]

What else does she want?

[David Alan Grier]

Are we not done with this process? How much should we swing by my ATM and then I'll eat your pussy for a couple hours? Like, what do we need here?

[Allison Rosen]

And what does the ATM have to do with the pussy eating?

[David Alan Grier]

I just give her a little cash.

[Adam Carolla]

Now tie that into your.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm just saying how badly you. You lost three tenths of a second of your life. In return, you got a hand with a. My bad. Do we have to fucking settle this? Speeding past means sliding in is throwing.

[Allison Rosen]

Throwing in the white towel. Sorry, dad.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

So what?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What? Yeah, I think that should be it. Because I'm always throwing my hand up.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, but you know, we should use that. Hold up.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see what I deal with, man? I'm being attacked. Attacking me. Go ahead, man.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, but no. The white towel is surrender.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right, whatever.

[David Alan Grier]

The black towel's not surrender. You know what I'm saying? I would throw us in the black dow.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have to come out here. That's all I'm saying.

[David Alan Grier]

He didn't have to, but he wanted to. Everyone, you have cars. David Alan Greer. That's right. You can find him in the new movie. Oh, I just saw this. I didn't see the movie, but I saw the. So the. The billboard peoples. Everybody. Well, that's, you know, that's a commitment that is, man, you know, Presented by Tyler Perry. All right, I'm gonna ask this.

[Adam Carolla]

I said presented by Tyler Perry.

[David Alan Grier]

More. More harm than good. No, by Tyler Perry. Or from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. What is. Now what is more diminishing returns.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyler Perry. That's makeup, by the way. You know, that's.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, that's Dag.

[Adam Carolla]

My is natural.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, Dag. No, Dag has. Has chops, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Alan Grier]

And also it's gonna be doing a live show at San Manuel Casino. That's coming up April 18th.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

With the Waynes brothers and Charlie Murphy. What. What's coming up there?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of black people. Because, you know, when we do comedy, you don't get one black person. You get like five or six or seven. Yeah, eight, nine. You get a lot of black comedy by the end of that night. There's no joke that has to do with black. Anything that you will not hear. It's going to be all in that one night.

[David Alan Grier]

Let's take the Wayne brothers and five of them. There's five Wayne brothers. There's like five Kardashians. Let's see if we can line them up. Come on, first of all, throw some balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Kardashians.

[David Alan Grier]

Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

They have no talent.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? I know.

[Adam Carolla]

They have money.

[David Alan Grier]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

But they don't have any talent.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They have big asses, but they don't have talent.

[David Alan Grier]

What is the. With the black man and the big ass and the tractor beam? That just sucks. Just black guys. What is beautiful?

[Adam Carolla]

It looks better. If you're a caveman and you look for a woman, you want that woman with that flat, concave ass with the. With the animal skin bikini hanging off the booty cheeks? Or do you want that. That's round that. That is like a camel's hump. That means in wintertime we going to get through the winter. That's what you're saying?

[David Alan Grier]

Yes, yes. Can I tell you, I really think the cultural divide on the big ass thing is I don't think our lug ranch is big enough for that. For that 20 spinner.

[Adam Carolla]

This may be a little bit too big right there. No, you like a little bit too big. You don't want to start that big.

[David Alan Grier]

The other two.

[Adam Carolla]

That one in the middle is perfect.

[David Alan Grier]

Now, Keenan Ivory Waynes is Kim Kardashian. Well, you know what I'm saying? I mean, in the earning department, I mean, it's got to go down the line, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'll go with you on that.

[David Alan Grier]

You go with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll go with you on that then.

[David Alan Grier]

Where, Where, Where's Marlin Hookup, actually, I said, Marlon hook up. That's a funny fishing job.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an unfair comparison.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, because they have.

[Adam Carolla]

Because Kim Kardashian makes the most money in the Kardashians. The rest of them don't make any money. They make money as a family. There's none of those Kardashians that make money like, oh, let's go see Khloe Kardashian. No.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't. You don't want to see her in the context of all the rest of the mother. You don't want to see any of them. But Courtney.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Are you going to be performing with any Wayne's brothers we've heard of?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Sean and Marlon.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. And you and Charlie Murphy as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie Murphy. Yeah. You know his brother.

[David Alan Grier]

So it's called sloppy seconds with David Alan Grier.

[Adam Carolla]

The siblings of very famous people.

[David Alan Grier]

Sloppy second siblings with David Alan Greer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I should send my daughter or my brother.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, yeah, you're gonna send your brother out there. That'd be awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask David Alan Greer an Ask question?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Stuff now you. Okay. You said you don't want to let

[Adam Carolla]

me see what you're working with. Just let me just. For me. Can I just see what's back?

[Allison Rosen]

This is just right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me just see.

[Allison Rosen]

Tucked under.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see what that doctor saw earlier this day where he said he must have seen something that inspired him to say, you know what, girl, I got to feel your ovaries right now. Let's get up in them baby makers.

[Allison Rosen]

No one take a bite of anything right now. So afterwards, you know, he went and he washed his hands as he was talking to me, and I kind of wanted to take a glance, but I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I just thought, what. You know, what all happens up in there?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, he's wearing a catcher's mitt, right. Or some kind of glass.

[Allison Rosen]

He had a shortstop, too, that I should not have attempted a sports reference.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he give you an affirmative? You don't want anybody rooting around in your butthole then going, ooh, wow. You want some kind of noise that makes you feel, oh, looks good, you know. Did he give you any kind of hopefully noise?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, can I say this, too? If someone's gonna go rooting around back there, I need 24 hours notice.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[David Alan Grier]

I gotta get the loo and get it duct taped to the mop handle like I got some business to Do

[Allison Rosen]

I like to have the maid come?

[David Alan Grier]

You don't just surprise me with a quick ass inspection because you're gonna be probably disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but where did he go from there? Did he wash his hand off? Now why are you here? You go all the way back to the beginning. I'm sad. What's your name, baby?

[David Alan Grier]

I mean, he was like, listen, I'm a therapist, so. Dad, can I. Can I ask you this?

[Adam Carolla]

Talk to me.

[David Alan Grier]

I. I know you love doing Teddy Pendergrass. Well, we're on. Everyone loves Teddy.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, I. I had my question though. The ask question.

[David Alan Grier]

I genuinely had an ass question, which is genuine.

[Allison Rosen]

You said you don't want to start out with one that big. And I'm saying, are you allowing for ass expansion?

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Okay, well, you see how Kim Kardashian, before she got pregnant, her. Her ass, in a lot of people's opinion, was perfect. She spread out, she is having a baby. But now she, you know, that's what's going to happen.

[David Alan Grier]

Uh huh. It's going to. It's going to expand.

[Adam Carolla]

Expanded quite a bit in all directions. Yeah, we all do. I gained like five pounds the last 20 years, you know?

[David Alan Grier]

Right, sure. Now, let me. Yeah, I. My. I read. My feeling is, is the black man has more in his frontal area to work with that I don't want to be dwarfed by an ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

You understand what. Listen, I'm trying to pay a compliment.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all gifted in different ways. Okay?

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure you have a good weird sense of humor. Something.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got more hair than I do.

[David Alan Grier]

Keep it close to the vest. Well, that's true. No, I'm just saying if you. Let's just go extreme here. Let's just say you took a chick with a huge ass and a guy with almost nothing between his legs. That's a bad roller skate and key combination. Right. It really is very timely reference.

[Adam Carolla]

These women in front are nodding. Quite decided, you know.

[David Alan Grier]

You know what I'm saying? So I think the. The black man says, I got a. Here's what I'm saying. I'm driving a Ford F3.

[Adam Carolla]

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary. Truckers aren't just moving goods.

[Mark Geragos]

They're making sure bakers get their chocolate

[Adam Carolla]

chips and hotels get their tiny soaps. But truckers can't do this if they're not on the road. That's why Progressive has over 360 heavy truck employees to help truckers stay on time and on track. Quote Truck Insurance today in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates 50 dually.

[David Alan Grier]

I can handle whatever you throw in the bag. Yeah, and what I'm saying is I got a Zuzu trooper here and if you want to toss a couple grocery bags back there, that's fine, but I can't pull your boat up the grapevine. Wow. Powerful. Powerful imagery. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but what, what about the conversation, you know, in that little ass car you got. Yeah, I'm sure it's. Never mind.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Dag. Dag does a little Teddy pentagram.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't come here to.

[David Alan Grier]

No, I know we're not exploiting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like I just came here, but I mean, I'm saying I, I

[David Alan Grier]

thought, you know, be funny and to do a little Teddy, you know, with the dim the lights, draw the bath and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

You have something.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, I got music. I got a little surprise for you. But Teddy's a soulful.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn off the laugh. You want to just.

[David Alan Grier]

Just do a little. Turn off the light.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's it, right there. That's it. Teddy bear. Turn it up. God damn it. Turn it up. Turn it up, turn it up. I can't hear it, man. Come on.

[David Alan Grier]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my gosh.

[David Alan Grier]

Turn it up, turn it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me get into this.

[David Alan Grier]

Turn off the lights. That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's old school. Come on.

[David Alan Grier]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like your doctor.

[David Alan Grier]

I say you light the candle first. Let me turn the lights off tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in a sexy mood.

[David Alan Grier]

Let's take a shower. Put naked together.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll wash your side feet, you wash mine, and then I will. And then I will bust all up sideways in your uterus, baby, with this big black, gummy, uncircumcised motherfucker dick. I'm packing, baby. Send them out. You know, something like that.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? Right. I get carried away.

[Adam Carolla]

I get carried away. I Get carried away. I get.

[David Alan Grier]

I love Teddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I get carried away, you know?

[David Alan Grier]

Teddy. Older couple in the front, they asked for their check. She was like, what the Is the music?

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know me like that. I'm sorry. I want to apologize. This couple here, I get. I get. You know what, sir? Every day is Valentine's Day for me, Okay? I get over emotion.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, I know. Emotional. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I get. I get romanticized.

[David Alan Grier]

Right, right, right. And I was thinking. Wait, I'm sorry, please, for the listeners at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Set the scene of the woman who's sitting in front.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there's a slightly more seasoned couple. The man, his arms folded in half like he's waiting on something clever.

[Adam Carolla]

He's giving you that. You're no Jack Benny look.

[David Alan Grier]

He's like, you are no Jack Benny, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that goddamn much. Yes, but let's get to it. Let's get to it. What do you want to do?

[David Alan Grier]

I. I thought it'd be funny if Teddy Pendergrass lent his talents to some TV theme songs, like from the 70s, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if they're in the right keep.

[David Alan Grier]

Maybe like the right key, like maybe that. Maybe the Brady Bunch. I don't know if that. What that might sound like. Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, first of all, it's too fast and it's too high.

[David Alan Grier]

I hate to be too high. Too fast.

[Adam Carolla]

I almost popped a cord last time. You got to go a little lower.

[David Alan Grier]

Partridge Family, perhaps. Maybe that'll work.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God, you're killing me. Hold on, let me listen.

[David Alan Grier]

Hello, world.

[Adam Carolla]

So talk to me.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, I just need a little background, you know? Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's what I'm talking.

[Adam Carolla]

And. No, it's too high.

[David Alan Grier]

It's too high. Yeah, too high. It's too high. Traveling together.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's too high, man. The two. All right, let's try one more.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, we got. We got. We got facts alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Facts of Life. Let's do that. Facts of life. About 2 weight challenged. 3 weight challenged young women growing up who eat a lot. Yeah, those. Ate a lot.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, well, opening up a muffin store is probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

They swollen up. Remember when they all grew titties at the same time?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, it is, but it's a nice. If you're all gonna go fat at the same time, you know, that's the way to do it. You know, there's one. One skinny, holding out and up your vibe. You know what I'm saying? You. If you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's try Facts of Life, Right?

[David Alan Grier]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Facts of Life.

[David Alan Grier]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Alan Grier]

This is. It's too high, man. I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

It's too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You got to get some smoke.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. All right. Let's see. Let me try Dora the Explorer. See what that. See if that one works.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do this. I don't know.

[David Alan Grier]

Latin flare.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, this may work all right. But what do you want?

[David Alan Grier]

You just want the background.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I will. When I find the door, I'm gonna get on sideways in your uterus, Wisconsin. Black, undiscovered Nabi crook.

[David Alan Grier]

Ended.

[Adam Carolla]

Very valuable. Big muzzle. It's very high. I said the top. Sorry. Sorry. I tried.

[David Alan Grier]

I hate that door of the explorer. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Clearly. Clearly you have a lot of issues.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, Teddy. I had to. I had to read a children's book with my son last night. And it's just like, oh, Mr. Toad and Mr. Frog. And Mr. Frog wanted Mr. Toad to wake up. You know, Mr. Toad wanted to go back to sleep. And I don't know the difference between a frog and a toad anyway. And it's like he went to Mr. Toad's house. He went. The least you guys could do is rhyme the. Like. That's the very least you could do.

[Adam Carolla]

Read books to your dog. Because my daughter, now, she's into. She wants me to make up a story.

[David Alan Grier]

So first.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I just make up shit. But she. The demand got so great that I started taking stories that we all know, right? And putting them in there that she's never read. Like the girl with 100 dresses. I said, the girl with a hundred carrots.

[David Alan Grier]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

She thinks I'm a genius.

[David Alan Grier]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

But I feel guilty because I'm just stealing other people's stories. No.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, that. The point is, they don't know anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[David Alan Grier]

So you can do the whole thing like. Well, they were an elite military unit working in Vietnam. They were framed for a crime they didn't commit. Now they work the underground of Los Angeles. There's bj, There's Hannibal.

[Adam Carolla]

All you got to do to make it work is you put one character that she can identify with, right? And there was one little girl around five years old.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Really half Asian. Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Blasian. She's gonna be rescued.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Mama remarried an.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, this guy's very nice, and he's paying for half the shits, so.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, really?

[Mark Geragos]

Oh, yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

He's good.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't want nothing to happen to him.

[David Alan Grier]

How is he around you?

[Adam Carolla]

We don't really interact, you know, we like dudes that Got in a fight. That made up. It's like, hey, honey, what's up? How you doing, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Right, right. See? Cool. What is he? I mean, color wise? I'm trying to figure out.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a white dude. Wow.

[David Alan Grier]

A lot of range your ex wife has.

[Adam Carolla]

Why you fall in love with different people. Oh, yeah, She's Asian. What, she supposed to only date black guys?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, once you.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, man, I'll tell you something.

[David Alan Grier]

Once you go down that very dark road.

[Adam Carolla]

Not me, not me. Once you date me, you want to revert. Oh, you're like.

[David Alan Grier]

You want to erase.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to blow up. Exactly. You want to blow up that yellow brick road.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

What the was I thinking?

[David Alan Grier]

Boom. Right? Oh, so it's like, like they got it. Like when you get a really bad make of car and you go, like, never go buy another AMC car again.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't know.

[David Alan Grier]

She.

[Adam Carolla]

She. She's with another guy. She's very happy. I'm happy for her because that means she's not thinking about me.

[David Alan Grier]

Really? I'm not happy for anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I am. I am. It's great. He's great with my daughter. That's what.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course.

[David Alan Grier]

And they got married quick, so you don't have to pay all the alimony.

[Mark Geragos]

No, we.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome, too. God bless. You know, the heart has a way of healing. God bless that heart. You know, we wish you got to

[David Alan Grier]

keep your house, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I did. Absolutely. God is great.

[David Alan Grier]

And one and a half your dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. Wall. My dog. I tried to give her one of them dogs. She didn't want them.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, really? Too big.

[Adam Carolla]

Too big. Fart all the time, you know, like me, basically. Like

[Allison Rosen]

anyone to be happy. Adam.

[David Alan Grier]

What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want anyone to be happy.

[David Alan Grier]

Hey, no one goes, I'm happy for him. I, I never, I never. I never believe that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what about fake Teresa over there? She's getting. When are you getting married, honey? You know, two or three years.

[Allison Rosen]

We don't have a date yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, stop right there, guys. She's engaged, but she doesn't have a date. That's not engaged, is it? Is that engaged to you? Yeah, she's engaged to a man, but they don't have a date for when they're getting married. Does that sound like an engagement?

[David Alan Grier]

Who want who exactly? Hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

This man said, absolutely not.

[David Alan Grier]

Who doesn't want. Who doesn't want the date? Hey, you look like the guy who owned the apartment building and Wreck it Ralph. Yeah, that's a Weird. It's obscure.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know where you were going with that one.

[David Alan Grier]

I didn't either, but I was in that movie, so I saw. End up seeing.

[Mark Geragos]

Seeing it.

[David Alan Grier]

You ever seen.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw that movie. I didn't see.

[David Alan Grier]

We'll find a picture of the dude and then we'll.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll.

[David Alan Grier]

Sorry, but no. You're like. You're like. If he got his stomach stapled or something like that, like. Like he. Definitely. You're lighter than he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, do you have a date where you want him in your mind's eye? I'm not putting you on the spot. I'm saying, you know, I'm going there.

[Allison Rosen]

My mind's.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay, listen, you call this guy that doctor dropped the finger on.

[Adam Carolla]

When would you.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, now, come here. Come up on stage. Come on, stand up. Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[David Alan Grier]

But look at this. Give it a look. See? Put your hands on your hips. Your hips. Not your tits, your hips. Now give a look. Give a look there. All right, that's all. You're a lighter. No, I said. I said you're definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, tell them the truth. This man, this gentleman travels with you, you from city to city, right?

[David Alan Grier]

We do the whole Wreck It Ralph routine everywhere we go because it kills. It kills.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, if that is your name, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a date in your mind? If I could. If I could. Let's dim the lights. Is your world Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

My mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Date in the year. What. What date would that be? You don't have any date in mind?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm sort of thinking this is how Adam feel guilty about this. I'm sort of thinking December.

[David Alan Grier]

Please stick with it now so that

[Allison Rosen]

it can coincide when we. With when we have a little bit of time off from the podcast. But what's holding me up is I can't decide. And note, I say I, not we, because realistically, I can't decide where to get married and what kind of wedding to have. That's what's holding us up.

[David Alan Grier]

Pepperdine and whatever's the short.

[Adam Carolla]

On the lawn. On the lawn.

[David Alan Grier]

Pepperdine. And then whatever the shortest thing is

[Adam Carolla]

because it's really about us.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell. I could do like a comedy.

[David Alan Grier]

Dag. What's it sound like when you make love to a woman?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a very personal thing. It's a very personal. I didn't. I didn't.

[David Alan Grier]

Can we draw it out?

[Adam Carolla]

This couple here. I'm a romantic, sir. I mean, how long have you guys been together?

[Mark Geragos]

39 years.

[Adam Carolla]

You see that?

[David Alan Grier]

39 years. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Beautiful thing.

[David Alan Grier]

And you're no jack par.

[Adam Carolla]

A beautiful thing. Well, me, I'm a little. I like to come and, you know, really be myself when I'm. When I'm deep in there, when I'm laying that pipe, I like to be vocal. You know what? You know, right.

[David Alan Grier]

Because you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like driving a car. I want you to know if I'm eating a meal, I'm. I'm the dude smacking my lips, you know, Damn, this is good.

[David Alan Grier]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, so that extends to my love making life, you know?

[David Alan Grier]

Uhhuh. So you like to express yourself in the bedroom as well?

[Adam Carolla]

Vocally creative, I would say. Creative, you know, open minded, you know, but usually it goes something, Get off of me.

[David Alan Grier]

I can't breathe. You pass out that quickly. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[David Alan Grier]

I think that serotonin. Start hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, start hard. But you know, sometimes I get overheated.

[David Alan Grier]

Like a car.

[Adam Carolla]

High performance car. I can go 0 to 60 and 7 or 8 seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

I was led to believe that you also don't like anyone to look at you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't like to do that because that adds to the mystery. That ooh is always. You're always surprised when you bust a nut that quick. You know, you're like, right. You hope for more. Like, yeah, I'm going up. Ooh, you know, Right, right. Snuck up on me. Snuck up on me. Jumped out of me. You know, I always hope for more.

[David Alan Grier]

You know, we used to get Josh Gardner who sings a few songs on our show on occasion. I don't know if we have any of any Josh's songs available back there, but Josh used to do this bit. He was a writer for the man show. He never really wrote anything for the man show, but we kept him as like a mascot. And we used to get him to do this bit where it was a porn star audition.

[Adam Carolla]

But was he the European dude? Yes, I love that dude.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's from Eastern European.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, he'd do. Oh, no, no, that's Yurgi.

[Adam Carolla]

I loved Yurgi because you know what? My. My favorite porn used to be Eastern European porn. I actually saw a porno where the dude. They were doing a group scene, let's say, and this is dude. He was coming through. He was coming, guys. Coming through, please. Making way, making way as he was coming through to, you know, hit that.

[David Alan Grier]

Yuri's the guy when. When we were partying after the man show at a billiards place and I drove my M3 BMW off tow truck. He's the Guy who told me to unlash the tire as he was unlashing the other tire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I thought it was an actor that just did that.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, no, he is an actor, but he's still insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's funny, man.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah. No, this is. This is Josh, and Josh is. Josh used to do. We'd make him do this in front of all the ladies who were the executives at Comedy Central, which is the porn star audition. And we'd do it at like wrap parties and stuff where he'd literally lay down on the ground and he'd yell. He'd like, go. You want to go all night? You ready to go all night, bitch? Here we go. You ready to do it? Let's do it all night. You ready to go all night? You ready to ride it all night? Yeah. Get on. And then he'd go, get off.

[Adam Carolla]

Get off.

[David Alan Grier]

Get on.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you telling me that story? Our life, you know, it was always

[David Alan Grier]

funny because Debbie Liebling, the middle aged woman who ran Comedy Central time, never laughed, even though we would laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it was perfectly close to her. You touched the nerve.

[David Alan Grier]

Matt Walsh is here. You know him from Veep. You know him from, I think the Hangover one. Yeah, you'll know him as soon as you see him. He's one of those guys. Yeah, you know him from everything. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he gonna be in the third hangover?

[David Alan Grier]

He's. He was in the first. I can't remember if I saw him. He was not in the second one

[Brian Bishop]

because he was a Las Vegas based doctor.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes, he's. Oh, I know. Founder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's the founder. Yes, He's a dude who was at home who said we need a brigade of citizens.

[David Alan Grier]

Improv brigade. That walk erect. That walk erect.

[Adam Carolla]

But they're not.

[David Alan Grier]

They're citizens. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

We.

[David Alan Grier]

And they walk upright and we do improv. That.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a guy.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Yeah. And I don't know where he is because I got a note that he was here 10 minutes ago.

[Allison Rosen]

There he is. I see him.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, he's walking out on stage. Good. See you, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know you, man. What's up, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Good to see you, Matt.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. Awesome.

[David Alan Grier]

I didn't know if you were done with my intro. I was watching.

[Adam Carolla]

Here, I got you.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. By the way, beep is Sundays, 10pm on HBO. Yeah. Now, you guys shouldn't sit so close to each other because you me mistaken for the same comedian. You guys really have a lot of the same physical Characteristics you must get stopped all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to ask him. Upright Citizens Brigade. You know, I once did a series with. Half of them were groundlings and half of them were Second City. Two big improv groups. And they would go at it. Sometimes we'd have to go on breaks. They start arguing, you know, improv rules. Did you change your shit up just so your cult would be intact? I mean, how does. How does the Upright Citizens Brigade stand out in the improv world and differentiated from those other groups?

[David Alan Grier]

That's my question. Like, what was our Martin Luther moment when we broke from the Catholic Church of improv?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[David Alan Grier]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, how do you. What do you guys do?

[David Alan Grier]

It's pretty much the same. Play it real and play it smart. And we have a thing called the Game that would be our breakout thing. I don't want to get boring. You guys are funny. I don't want to get boring.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never let that stop us before.

[David Alan Grier]

It's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[David Alan Grier]

There's two or three people that think people should understand. Like, as lame as you think a dance off is, like a couple of street squads get together and dance it off to see who, you know, the king of the street is. And as dumb as a rap off sounds too. I mean, we used to just fucking punch people, and that's how we settle things. But now we rhyme or dance. Yeah, but there's an improv version.

[Adam Carolla]

Who invented that as well? Black people.

[David Alan Grier]

Black people.

[Adam Carolla]

Black people. They should take the dance off to Syria. Might save some lives.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, put some Starbucks in there too. Put an end to black violence in the urban community. All right. Sorry. That's right. You almost never hear about it. Never heard of again. Sorry, go ahead. So the Game is basically the. The thing you're trying to improvise to find that will keep the.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it is boring.

[David Alan Grier]

What will keep the scene heightening. That's basically what you're gonna heighten the scene. Right? A movie like Liar Liar has a game. He can't help but tell the truth. If you find that thing in improv scene, you play that and. Right. Dag, would you say that Jim Carrey is. Is our Eddie Murphy? You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

The white man's. He was.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, I mean, they both. Both super talented guys that are obsessed with their bodies that are doing horrible, shitty movies.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Jim's done some great movies, man.

[David Alan Grier]

Done some. Well, I know, but Eddie.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the deal about Eddie Murphy.

[David Alan Grier]

Eddie's insane. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know him like that. I just know.

[David Alan Grier]

But wait here's.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I say about Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy has the ability, the capacity to put in a brilliant performance at any time. He's like Tiger woods when he got caught. All them white women, right? You knew there was a great golfer in there. He just got sidelined. Okay, Right, right. But now he's back.

[David Alan Grier]

He's back.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you agree now he's back. Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

Right. I wish there was a certain thing where people assumed I knew all white people. Like, like, I, you know, I'll say to you, like, what's Al Sharpton really like? And then you don't have a fucking answer. But if someone came up to me and go, tell me about the real Fran Tarkington. Tell me what Peter Frampton is like behind closed doors as a white guy. Like, I. I don't know. I. I've only seen him on tv. I've never met a black guy who went, I've never met Al Sharpton. I don't know Eddie Murphy. I've never. It's always, I got a good story. Now, do you guys lying, or do you guys all really know each other?

[Adam Carolla]

I know them. I don't know. I don't know about other black people. I know Al Sharpton, Tarkington. I don't know.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't know. Those are the white guys. See, there's two white guys. We don't know other white guys. Starbucks.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't know Bill Clinton.

[Mark Geragos]

Never met him.

[David Alan Grier]

You know Obama.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[David Alan Grier]

See, you don't want to meet me.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to meet me.

[David Alan Grier]

But no one ever does that. No one goes like, hey, man, tell me about Bill. You know, tell me about Deacon Jones. You know, I've never met the man. Like, if you said, oh, I can tell you about Deacon Jones because we vacationed together for many years. No one ever go, oh, you're so full of. You don't know the first thing about Deacon Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

You know. You know athletes, don't you? Who. Who's some famous athletes, please?

[David Alan Grier]

You know, I knew. I met a guy who met Larry Bird once. He used to work for him. Good. Yeah, you got to know some but famous athlete. You must.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Kurt Shilling.

[David Alan Grier]

Dennis Savar. Wait a minute. I know. Oh, I'm a Sean Green. Yeah. Dodger. Ex Dodger. Great. Sean Green. Sean White. Shaun White.

[Adam Carolla]

The snowboard.

[David Alan Grier]

There you go. Yeah. The Flying Carrot.

[Adam Carolla]

You know him, right?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah, I know White. You must know Sean White. I've met him.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know him?

[David Alan Grier]

No, not like, you know Deacon Jones. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I know Rampage Jackson. He's right there.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, where's Ram? Oh, Rampage, I'm gonna blow your.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

And then, like, well, we work out a little bit. I don't want to go into our private personal thing, but you guys ever.

[David Alan Grier]

Let me ask you. What? Do black guys ever do a thing where they're, like, shaking hands? Because every time a black guy sees another black guy. Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. We don't do that.

[David Alan Grier]

We don't lean and go. We don't really know each other. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All the time. I. I don't. We don't do that, but we will.

[David Alan Grier]

But we will say, make white people feel bad about.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you do the head nod. You did a head. Now you go like, what's up, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, I do that all the time. Mostly to strangers. I don't know these people. Yeah, but if you see another black person, you have to say, hey, what's up? How you doing?

[David Alan Grier]

Right. No. So what you guys have is you have the same sort of fraternity that guys who ride motorcycles have, which is, if you're going one way on a Harley and there's another dude's coming another way on a Harley, you got to give him a little, hey, man, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

But I ride a sport bike, and sometimes Harley dudes, they don't. They won't give you the finger back.

[David Alan Grier]

All right? But if you see another dude on a sport bike, you got to give him the what's up? And you the what's up. You don't know him. You just have this in common.

[Adam Carolla]

If it's a moped or a scooter, you ain't getting no finger. Vegas.

[David Alan Grier]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[David Alan Grier]

But if you meet a dude who's the same color as your motorcycle tire, you got to go the. Hey, man, what? Same color as your motorcycle. Dear God, don't get him the Ram or the.

[Adam Carolla]

Gave you the fingers now.

[David Alan Grier]

Gave you this.

[Adam Carolla]

You see, we scooting away, man.

[David Alan Grier]

No, I'm a big fan. I'm glad you knocked out.

[Adam Carolla]

He's heard that, too. Oh, big fan, big fan, big fan, big fan. That's right before you serve a summons. Big fan, big fan.

[Allison Rosen]

What I've noticed is that it seems like all guys have to somewhat acknowledge each other if they happen to be in the same room or something. Whereas with women, we don't have that at all. There is Nothing that says that I have to acknowledge another woman. And oftentimes we will give each other kind of a pinched fake smile, which doesn't mean anything friendly.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, everyone is competition.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me ask you something, Allison.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Whatever.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow. Hey, man. That's my brother over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Let me see.

[David Alan Grier]

Come on, man. Hey, what's up, man? I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't know you. Here's your change, my brother. Yeah, there you go. Thank you for change. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No way back. I know Austin for real.

[David Alan Grier]

I know

[Adam Carolla]

the real Teresa. You guys are not saying sisters somehow.

[David Alan Grier]

No competition. Matt, am I right? Yes. How come women don't play, like, pickup soccer or pickup basketball? Yeah, they don't play. Pick up anything you don't see.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't see another female in the. In the podcast been to say, hey, girl, here's a person. Boom, it's on me, you know?

[David Alan Grier]

No, you're right.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't pick up anything if it's a group, cuz. See, oftentimes, if it's a group of dudes and then there's another woman, then you will bond with them just because it's the only person you could borrow a tampon from. Or you can like, roll your eyes or something together. But what I'm saying is it's not real.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, no, you guys are bred to compete for.

[Allison Rosen]

My dad used to tell me that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, that's a good man right there.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, I've seen his license plate frame on the Lexus, but no, what I'm saying is you. You guys are bred to compete. That's. That's the whole deal. It's like you're a fighting fish.

[Allison Rosen]

I was going to say that. We're like two pett.

[David Alan Grier]

Can't put you. I can tank together. You call each other's guilt. I mean, you don't smell like. You know what I'm saying? Maybe fish was a bad. That made us a poor analogy, but you know what I'm saying? You are, you are. You're. We're like magnets. We're bred to bond as dudes. And you guys are bred to compete as women, and thus, no one is your friend.

[Adam Carolla]

What was your follow up?

[David Alan Grier]

My follow up was the pickup basketball game. Yeah, that was 10 minutes ago. We covered it. But thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I was just curious. Yeah. Shirt, skins and ears. Come on, brother. Yeah. Powerful.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't heard that since.

[David Alan Grier]

My team is getting lost. Sorry about that tooth hillbillies. Sorry, dad. Should We. Burke, should we do. Oh, I should give. Oh, I said veep. Yeah, that's right. Sunday nights, 10pm on HBO. Second season. By the way, Julia Louise Dreyfus, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Just veep, man.

[David Alan Grier]

How's she doing? She's good to work with.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard it's wonderful.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, she's great. She's very funny and fun and super pro.

[Mark Geragos]

Couldn't be nice

[Adam Carolla]

Brad working on that.

[David Alan Grier]

Brad is not working. Her husband is not working on the show. Is she. Is she driven? Women that are driven too hard scare me. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

What is driven too hard? That have careers.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

That owner has someplace to go in the morning.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Like you put your shoes on and leave the house. As a woman, I got a problem. Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I want the kind of woman. I come home. How was your day?

[Mark Geragos]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

How was your day? No, I want to know. We both leave the house. She goes left, I go right.

[David Alan Grier]

Huh. I like that.

[Mark Geragos]

Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

I mean, when you leave.

[Adam Carolla]

I was married to one of my wife said, I've worn out. I've been watching people work on the house all day. Oh, no.

[David Alan Grier]

I had a great moment with my wife a few months ago where she looked at me and she went, I am raising these two kids alone. At the time, she was with the nanny. The kids, my twins, were literally at the park with the Guatemalan nanny I pay for. I saw them there and she literally. You saw them there, right? I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I was the only one. Only father. I was the only father at this park. All the other kids had nannies.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? You saw my Guatemalan nanny with my twins at the park. I was at home being yelled at that the kids were being raised alone by the woman who was alone in the house. Don't do that on a comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

But wait, your son came over. Your son came over and said. She said, my daddy knows you.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah. He came over and said hi, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know who he was for a minute. I was like, oh, yes, I love your dad.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It was your nanny that knew me, though.

[David Alan Grier]

No, the only. Does your nanny pick him up? No, he knows. Yeah, no. Does she drive? Yeah, she drives. Yeah, she. She. The wife drops him off, the nanny picks him up, and I wanted him to go out and introduce himself because the only experience that he'd had with black people is from us watching Oz together. And Oz. Yeah, with old hbo. The white boys had it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oz were worse than the black dudes.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. I wanted to get a real experience of what. What it was like outside the house. You know, it was cold and people are like, well, he's only three and a half. And I was like, you know what? But never too young to learn, you

[Allison Rosen]

know, the brain's more open at that age.

[David Alan Grier]

More open, yeah. More open, yeah. All right, so should we. Do we got a little bit. Is your son's favorite character Schillinger the Nazi? Yeah, he does shits on people. Yeah, he likes the Nazi shits on people. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, that was rough when he carved the Nazi sign in the news bus.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, my son loved that on him.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the season finale. Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How did he pitch that?

[David Alan Grier]

My wife made a Christmas tree. That's where they dropped the shark for the Christmas tree. Out of that. Yeah. No, I've said. I gotta say, speaking of race, this is why I don't want to go to prison. Because I don't want to have to join up with a white supremacist group. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

We couldn't be friends.

[David Alan Grier]

Wait a minute. I'm saying we could.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a musical. Let's do a musical.

[David Alan Grier]

We're best buddies.

[Adam Carolla]

We get sent to prison. I gotta join.

[David Alan Grier]

I loved you on the outside.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta join the Black Guerrilla Mafia. You got to join the quiet area. Yeah, quite. Aryan Nation.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. I mean, fully joined. I've always kind of been hovering around the fringe, but I really have to get official. I could jump in with both feet now. Right, yeah. No more weekend meetings. This is a five day.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't get away with just providing wood for the cross burnings right now for years.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. I finished your pillowcases with the holes in them. No, no more catering for the Nazis. Full on battle. That's right. That's right. I would be forced because you in a. In prison, you can't just work as an independent. You know what I mean? Like, you can't just love or hate everyone. Universal.

[Adam Carolla]

So I've been told.

[David Alan Grier]

You would have to be. Well, you'd have to be a blood. I'm guessing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, man, I'm kind of old for that.

[David Alan Grier]

Here's. Well, here's how dried blood. Here's how many you want to be Crypt Keeper. Dried blood. That's the old one. All right. But here's Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman were friends. Yeah. Different time, different movies. Here's what I would say. Here's my crib and blood. Like if I'm black and I get thrown in prison.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

And there's only a 50. 50 chance you'll get thrown in prison if you're black. But it's either you or Quinton is going. Come on, Quentin, laugh it up. You're scared.

[Mark Geragos]

You're such a racist.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, but. No, but I know I'm a racist, so that only makes me bigot it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you really think of yourself as a racist? Do you?

[David Alan Grier]

No, no, no. I love most colors.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I do.

[David Alan Grier]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

But tell me about your friend. That one black dude that you did know when you're like, 12 or 13.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, Henry and James Boyd.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the one black person you knew until me.

[David Alan Grier]

No, no, no, no. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Name some other people. I come over your house when we hang out. How many black people are there?

[David Alan Grier]

All right, you tell me if I'm making up these black names. Melvin Royal.

[Adam Carolla]

Mexican

[David Alan Grier]

Michael Odom. Salvador Mario Menifee. Irish Windle. No. Wendell. Halfway into high school. Shirley, don't tell me. I don't play football. I play football with every black person in the San Fernando Valley. Wendell. Shirley.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a real black.

[David Alan Grier]

That's a real black name. And the Boyd brothers. Henry and James. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Wayne.

[David Alan Grier]

And the Boyd brothers was the boy brothers. They were. I think they were twins. When I played Pop Warner football and I used to sleep over. Still twins.

[Adam Carolla]

There he is.

[David Alan Grier]

Don't tell me I

[Adam Carolla]

live together.

[Allison Rosen]

But, Adam, which one is that?

[David Alan Grier]

That's the USC minor league team, right? That's one of the good ones. I don't know. That's Henry or James.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the good ones. That could be the name of your movie.

[David Alan Grier]

I think that's Henry. I can't remember.

[Allison Rosen]

I. I'm dying to know. What are some of the songs that will be in your musical?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, I loved you on the out for what's on the inside. Yeah, Sorry. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

What's our theme song?

[David Alan Grier]

Our theme song? Well, it has a kind of a shaft. You know, kind of chicka chicka chicka chicka chicka chicka thing. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Now, are we in prison for real? Are we in there as a police?

[David Alan Grier]

You guys committed a crime together. That's the irony.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

You guys committed a crime together as friends. Now you go to jail, and, of

[Adam Carolla]

course, race pulls you apart, right? No. Your first rule of improv is when I'm talking, you don't interrupt.

[David Alan Grier]

It's kind of first rule of improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me do. Let me do. You go ahead, tell the story.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which story?

[David Alan Grier]

Any stories. I went to the store today, and then I.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I take an airplane and it just lands on the.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, I was building on your idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Say something else.

[David Alan Grier]

You had an idea for a musical with Adam, and I was building on

[Adam Carolla]

it, and then I. And then I take a tank and I drive to Fresno. That's what you did, man.

[David Alan Grier]

That is not true. Not true, not true.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, don't start.

[David Alan Grier]

But here's the whole thing. If I get in the joint, like, dag, if anything happens to you, right, and you get thrown in the joint, and you got to be a crip or blood, it's pretty simple. When they go, like, what are you? A crip or blood? You just go, what has more members? You know what I mean? Like, in this particular joint is more prevalent. I'm joining the larger group.

[Adam Carolla]

It's probably gonna be the Mexican gang, because they probably are going to be. I'm just telling you, that's the largest.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, but they're not going to have you. You understand? What if I.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you guys both pretend to be Mexican, like, bosom buddies?

[David Alan Grier]

Their casa is not jumping in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like her, but she's.

[David Alan Grier]

I tried to. Yeah, like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No. I mean, damn. What's up? What's up?

[David Alan Grier]

He thinks he knows improv. He doesn't even know Fran T. Or Peter.

[Adam Carolla]

Fran, do you improv on Veep? Do you go like, let's throw the script away. Let's just talk?

[David Alan Grier]

We do, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there you go. You got an answer. You got. You got. Yes, without the. And he's just a showoff. I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like him.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, well, you guys only have to work together for, like, another.

[Adam Carolla]

Let him improv by himself. Go ahead. Something interview. I don't like him.

[David Alan Grier]

Let. Now, do you guys remember, like, the old improv games where, like, there's always. There's the super embarrassing one where you had to just all lift the same heavy manhole cover together. And so it'd be like, there's a manhole cover, and it's this. It's. It's seven foot around, and we all get around it, and we all bet. Like, I always think, what is the fucking practical application? You think I'm ever going to come across a huge manhole cover on stage and have to lift it up? But think. And everyone would be like, all right. And then the teacher was always a chunky lesbian. It's like, it's really heavy, Brian. It's heavy. It's heavier than that.

[Adam Carolla]

You're really chunky lesbian or older white gentleman like yourself.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. With a mustache.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of hot young girls in class.

[David Alan Grier]

The thing that was always funny about everyone lifting the manhole covers, Six of the people would be at the exact same height, and there'd be one to be over his head with it already, and they're like, what? Listen, Superman, get the. Down here with the rest of us. You can't. You guys realize I almost. Oh, Dag. So tell me. And Madam Adam. No, hold on. I'm thinking. I'm focusing. What? I almost took a job at a place called Party Pals. Wow. Yes. Where you dress up as superheroes and go to children's birthday parties in a stinky Ninja Turtle outfit at the time for like $60. What? And you did that? I did that in college. Did you do that? I did the same gig. What was it?

[Adam Carolla]

What was your.

[David Alan Grier]

What characters did you. I did Ninja Turtles and things like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ninja Turtle. And you just repeated it.

[David Alan Grier]

He's a one up.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of improv is that?

[David Alan Grier]

Dad, you never did that. It was agreement. It was agreement. Yeah. No, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

That's not an impact. No, you got to go above him. He did a turtle. But watch this.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch this. Same turtle.

[David Alan Grier]

I was a Ninja Turtle.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I was once. I was bat. I was. I was Batman. See, I went over. What's that dude in Batman with that of that crab on his face?

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I was Bane. That's how you get on top of that. You don't agree. You go on top. You're right.

[David Alan Grier]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the thing. I want to, you know, get involved with it. Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

So you did. You did that in college, man. Yes, sir. And. And Dag, you went to college in college, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Certainly did. Call me crazy, but I actually studied. Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Should we do a little. What was your major? Can I ask you a question?

[Adam Carolla]

None of your business.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, it was radio, television, film.

[David Alan Grier]

Awesome. And you went to University of Michigan.

[Adam Carolla]

Hail to the victors, valiant. Hail to the conquering heroes. Hail. Hail to Michigan, the leaders of the west. Hail. All right.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

There's either one Michigan fan in this audience or someone who went to Michigan.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what? She's a real fan.

[David Alan Grier]

And I bet you lose.

[Adam Carolla]

They were robbed.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, but then you went to Princeton too, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I went to Yale.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, Yale. Sorry for the attack. Sorry we didn't have any improv. Is that where you and Rampage. Is that where you and Rampage met?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, Rampage is a scholar and a gentleman. Hold on. Ask me what I meant, what I majored in at Yale. What did you major in it?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not improv.

[David Alan Grier]

That's a good one. You went over the top. You went over the top, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to.

[David Alan Grier]

You scare skyscraper.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're in a subway.

[David Alan Grier]

I've been dunked on. I've been dunked on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[David Alan Grier]

What was your major?

[Adam Carolla]

Jokes. See, that wasn't that fun.

[David Alan Grier]

That was that fun. Psychology. Yeah. Is Yale like 300 years old or something?

[Adam Carolla]

It is old.

[David Alan Grier]

I mean, I drove through Yale and we stopped and had a beer when I was driving, I don't know where, doing some comedy gig. But we said we're stopping and Yale was like from 1731 or something. Like crazy. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's old as it's not. I think Williams was. Is the oldest. Isn't Williams the oldest university in this country?

[David Alan Grier]

We're in Irvine. You think they should be able. This is Junior. You know what, Adam? 40 years old. Faith in these idiots. I think they know something.

[Adam Carolla]

They may not know the improv rules, but.

[David Alan Grier]

Right. What? William and Mary.

[Adam Carolla]

What, Sir?

[David Alan Grier]

That's the old one.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that an improv he's doing?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Rampage. Don't interrupt when we're talking up here, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the right answer.

[David Alan Grier]

Bro. Bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Stay seated because we know we talked before because don't even. You know. Boom. All right.

[David Alan Grier]

So went to Yale.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. I did my graduate work there.

[David Alan Grier]

Huh? Studying. Studied acting.

[Adam Carolla]

I started acting.

[David Alan Grier]

And. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then the dick jokes came. Right?

[David Alan Grier]

And then the dick jokes. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[David Alan Grier]

You guys want to do some news with us?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to.

[David Alan Grier]

How about we do that? How about I give a little. Yeah. A little love before we queue up the news to one of our fine sponsors. Score big.com baseball. It's back. Everybody catch it. There's only like 175 games left. You gotta strike while the iron's hot. No, but it's serious. You blink your eyes and 250 games goes by and you've missed the whole season. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

They're long.

[David Alan Grier]

All of them are long. Yeah. So the games that matter. These are the games that matter. April, it's. It's the first 140 or so that matter. And then. Then after that you can tune out NHL. NBA playoffs. Yeah. I don't know who you. You like the Lakers?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, go ahead and boo, you bastards. Let me tell you something. The Lakers need love. The Lakers are your child that needs a little extra hug right now. Okay?

[David Alan Grier]

Get your tickets at school, sir. It's easy to hate them now. Yes. I will never. Rangers. I will Never root for the Clippers. How about the Clippers? I don't want to Heat, Islanders, Ducks, whatever your home team is, you get it. Scorebig.com they got an offer. You go to scorebig.com enter the code Adam at checkout and get 15 bucks off your first order. Scorebig.com always below box office. All right, Allison Rosen. Should we do some news? Yes, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison

[Adam Carolla]

fake Teresa.

[David Alan Grier]

When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison fake Teresa.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone tweeted me that her song, her son sings along to the theme song and thinks that I sign it off with zip it cup, which I think is so cute cuz I have ovaries, as was confirmed today. So anyway, have you guys heard this abomination of a song, Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley?

[David Alan Grier]

I've heard it. Oh no, I've just heard about it.

[Allison Rosen]

But everyone is talking about it, especially in social media because it is so racist. Well, ironically, sort of accidentally racist and just earnest. And you listen to it and you think, I never want to hear that again. It is Brad Paisley. It's from his new album, Brad Paisley and LL Cool J. And it's just about.

[David Alan Grier]

That's our new Jackson and McCartney, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is. And it is kind of ambitious in terms of the way it's trying to just get the conversation rolling about race relations. Because Brad Paisley is. It sets the scene. He goes into a Starbucks. He has a confederate flag on his shirt.

[David Alan Grier]

He's misunderstood.

[Adam Carolla]

I was wearing a Klan hood, actually. I was wearing a Klan hood.

[Allison Rosen]

And then Cool J is also misunderstood because of his gold chains.

[David Alan Grier]

And they sat down like what rhymes with. With Kango, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Stanko. Stanko. I lynch the black man once by accident.

[Allison Rosen]

We have a clip of. I so wanted to play the whole song, but we had just a clip of the song. So you can.

[David Alan Grier]

It can't be as bad as the girl as mine. Especially most of feminine dudes at the end talking about Michael, you know, you wouldn't know what to do with her, right?

[Brian Bishop]

You like, dude, the crosstalk at the

[David Alan Grier]

end of the crosstalk at the end parts. It's some of the gayest, straightest. It's the most homoerotic straight guy conversation that's ever taken place in the old time West.

[Adam Carolla]

In the old time West.

[David Alan Grier]

In the old time West. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

May Michael rest in peace.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Yeah. No, he'll be missed. But now, where. So do we have Brad Paisley?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we have. We have.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, and LL Cool.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Well, see, first, Brad Paisley sings for a while, it feels like longer. And then Cool J sings, starting off with hey, Mr. White man, and then he makes his key.

[David Alan Grier]

LL Cool J just hosted things.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's hosting the song.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, he's hosting the song. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

And then let me ask you.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask.

[Allison Rosen]

Then they come together, and that's what we're gonna hear. Yes. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this song, like. Is it number one on the country charts? I mean, what's up?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't know how it's doing, but I'm gonna guess it's not number

[David Alan Grier]

one, but I have heard of it, so it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Causing a stir because they're all.

[Allison Rosen]

Because a whole bunch of people were tweeting when it came out. Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, we need to start a dialogue on racism.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Yeah, I feel like you've been doing that. Okay, let's hear it. And then I'll tell you what Brad Paisley said about the. Everyone's reaction to it. So here's. Here it is.

[David Alan Grier]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you don't trust my durag, I won't judge a red flag.

[David Alan Grier]

Understand what it's like.

[Adam Carolla]

If you don't judge by.

[David Alan Grier]

Go change. That black guy should shut up so we can hear Brad.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just talking about.

[David Alan Grier]

I know you don't hate me. Cause you my accidental homie. Homie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love you, too. Like, you my. The relationship between the Mason Dix and need some fixing.

[Allison Rosen]

The relationship between the Mason Dixon needs some fixing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. LL he got it.

[David Alan Grier]

So when he showed up at, like, the Nashville recording studio, they, like, handed him a mop and went, listen, you're late, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, man, nobody's handed LL Cool J.

[David Alan Grier]

He put that mop up your.

[Adam Carolla]

He broke a jaw, man. He broke in his house.

[Mark Geragos]

He.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you know what held them for the police?

[David Alan Grier]

You know what I'm gonna do? What I'm gonna. I figured. All right, I have two ideas that would just. Here's my. And I shouldn't be saying them out loud, but here goes. All right. You know, I've mentioned that there's certain bathrooms, like when I was in the Phoenix Airport last week, and they don't have partitions between.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't.

[David Alan Grier]

No, not in between the urinals. And the same. The new JFK United terminal doesn't have the partitions in, but there's, like, there's a handful of airports and Public places that don't have the partition through there. I have two plans.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of madness is.

[David Alan Grier]

My first plan is get the huge prosthetic that Mark Wahlberg wore in Boogie Nights. Do you have to get that one

[Brian Bishop]

or one like it?

[David Alan Grier]

One like it. I can't. That one's at the Smithsonian. I'm not going to steal that. You know what I mean? That's one of those national treasure themes there. I don't want to get into that. Plus, just a huge prosthetic cock. Hold on a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Nathan was saying something. What's going on there, bro? Plus, that one's been lived in.

[David Alan Grier]

It's been lived in.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Alan Grier]

I want. I won one that has a minty fresh new cock smell off the rock. And then what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna travel around the country to a few airports. I'm gonna wait till guys go in there, I'm gonna come in there, I'm gonna pull out this huge dork and I'm just gonna stand there. But I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it. But what guys will notice and then they'll. No, they'll be a little peripheral.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. You will not go ahead and piss it for real. Something.

[David Alan Grier]

I really pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm not looking at your dick is what I'm saying. Like a motherfucker.

[David Alan Grier]

If you stand really far back, if you pulled out, what would be? What would be. Remember those large construction size thermoses from back in the day? I saw that size thing come out of.

[Adam Carolla]

I never looked at a dude's dick muscle.

[David Alan Grier]

You don't have to look. Look.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Like, would you have to hit the water with it? I mean, you got to make a noise.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. I'm just saying peripherally, Matt, you're comfortable enough with your sexuality to admit. Peripherally. Peripheral vision.

[Adam Carolla]

Peripherally.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm making a word up. Like you black people don't make up word. Your old dictionary's made up.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Austin Milius, man.

[David Alan Grier]

You probably got a new name for dictionary.

[Adam Carolla]

Pictionary.

[David Alan Grier]

You preferably. You would see my huge honker. Yeah. You would take. And then you'd go back to the airport and you start fucking tweeting about it. Right. And eventually word would get out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Just like I said,

[David Alan Grier]

be accomplished by it. What wouldn't be accomplished by it? Use your dick, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. Weren't they talking about John Hammond?

[David Alan Grier]

All right, hold on a second. That's my point. We're all buzzing about his.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you Are.

[David Alan Grier]

Here's my point.

[Adam Carolla]

I ain't buzzing about that.

[David Alan Grier]

Hold on a second. Don't. Don't be homophobic.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean to tell me you didn't tweet me? You didn't text me like, dag, are you waking God?

[David Alan Grier]

Because I had some huge. I know you knew. I knew you knew. But here's my point. Couple of trips around the country, word gets out, boom. Everyone knows huge honker. All right, next move. Next move. I hire skinny, drug addled hep. You know, guys probably like body riddled with hepatitis C or whatever homeless dude to break into my house one night. I then kick the shit out of him and hold him in a headlock until LAPD arrives. Next thing you know, word on the street. What's the news on Corolla? Huge. But he lets his fist do his talking like he's a badass. So don't with him. And he has a huge last dude

[Adam Carolla]

that has done that. Black or white in Hollywood.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, you got LL Cool J did it.

[Adam Carolla]

And who else there?

[David Alan Grier]

I think I, I. Halle Berry's white boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

No. He knocked out her skinny ex boyfriend.

[David Alan Grier]

No, no. Yeah, that was model on model. Cat fight, driveway crime. No. Right. No, no. Yeah. I'd just been waxed and you punched me in the chest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my nipple.

[David Alan Grier]

There was a, like

[Adam Carolla]

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[David Alan Grier]

No, there was a story with like Brandon Lee or something, like Bruce Lee's kid or something. Took a baseball bat to somebody's windshield.

[Adam Carolla]

That's because he was mad at the guy.

[David Alan Grier]

That's golf club. That's golf. Oh, George Harrison beat somebody off that, tried to kill. Kill him, didn't he? Oh, that guy just tried to kill him. Did he win or did he won by not dying at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, Adam.

[David Alan Grier]

But then he lost by dying.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we stop just for a second? That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

For a large muscle guy.

[David Alan Grier]

My point is, is the word gets around that I have a huge. And anyone who breaks into my house is going to feel my fist. Not in a sexual way, but who knows where it goes, you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm pulling myself out. I'm sequestering. Get with him about this improv, man. Help him out.

[David Alan Grier]

I got nothing. Don't you think this you're trying to create a mystique so nobody with you that you got the biggest dick in Hollywood and you're the baddest ass. There you go. That's right. Nobody's going to break in My house or my bathroom. Nobody. Okay, there you go. But people might stare at you the next time you walk in the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you another one if you want to make. If you want to start that room and pull your dick out on stage.

[David Alan Grier]

No, I do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can do it right now. I mean, if you want. Here, I'll hold your mic. I haven't heard. Fake Teresa, grab his stool.

[David Alan Grier]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna whip it up. Yes. And.

[David Alan Grier]

Come on. Yes. And Right.

[Mark Geragos]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys, these. This front two tables, move out of the way because.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Whipping it out.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes. And wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Put your glasses on and scoot over there.

[Allison Rosen]

I just realized something, though. For the listeners at home, if we all react as if he did do this and oh, my God, it's a thermos from the 70s, then they would believe it.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, plaid, too. With the cup that screws off on the top.

[Allison Rosen]

Did people really use those cups to drink their stew like the commercials?

[David Alan Grier]

I think just in like Sears catalogs where they were selling long sleeve shirts and boots with oil. Oil resistant soles. Yeah. All right. All right, audience, let's react just for the people at home. Like, I pulled out my thermos size cock. On the count of three, I'll do the motion and you do the. Some shock, some applause. You know, you guys start breaking up.

[Adam Carolla]

So hold on, director, you're gonna do a O. And then all the girls, all the women go like that.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the men go, oh, okay.

[David Alan Grier]

Ooh, that ain't real. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, go, go.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. One, two, three.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit, man. Come on, man. Put that.

[David Alan Grier]

Come on on, man. That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

My mom's here, man. Come on. He delivered. He delivered.

[David Alan Grier]

That could happen at every urinal. There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on.

[David Alan Grier]

Thank you. Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a second. Yes, sir. Sir.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What the was that? That's. That was too. That was too energetic. You revealing something about your personal life there. You took it upon yourself. That's a huge dick. That's more than we ever.

[David Alan Grier]

That's called dick. And thank you. All right, he topped it. What about Brad Paisley?

[Allison Rosen]

So he's. So the thing with the song is that it. There's such. There's a tonal problem with it. It's so earnest, and yet it's really trying to do something semi pure, but it up.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, but.

[Adam Carolla]

But that doesn't make.

[David Alan Grier]

And I call you a coon or a darky.

[Mark Geragos]

That means that I really like you.

[David Alan Grier]

That's what I'm saying. It's a term of endearment. Yeah. That song will be called Set in his ways. Do you like when you serve me

[Adam Carolla]

and I used to own you but that doesn't make me amazing.

[David Alan Grier]

There. There you go.

[Allison Rosen]

Do we need the Confederate flag still? I mean, is that something that we

[David Alan Grier]

should have pride in?

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy Said in this song. I like this shirt.

[Mark Geragos]

Cause it fits real well.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, there is a noose on the front, you know? Right, right. He's just saying it fits. What's the problem?

[David Alan Grier]

I know the only good use of a Confederate flag these days is to stop people from breaking into your house because. Yeah, you hang. I mean, it's a little rough on the neighbor, especially live in Hollywood, like.

[Adam Carolla]

So. Hold on.

[David Alan Grier]

But it stops people from breaking in a gun, right? Basically. Well, what I'm saying is, is I've said a million times, you put a sticker on the front window that says, I have nine cats. Dear Mr. Fireman, please save them. First you're asking to be broken into.

[Adam Carolla]

You want the. We want the sawed off shotgun. Don't be afraid of me. Be afraid of this fucking gun insured

[David Alan Grier]

by Smith and Wesson. Then Sierra Club, take a hike to hell. You know, all that good stuff. Lets you know you have a brass

[Adam Carolla]

doorknob in the shape of a big ass dick.

[David Alan Grier]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Then you have like the flag, Confederate flag.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, and no trespassing. All rusty and.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, no, but honestly, don't you tread on here your whole. Yeah, don't tread on me is good too. The whole thing is, is when you're just looking for targets of opportunity, like you want to break into a house, you don't. Confederate flag says gun out on lap. Watching hee haw. There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Not bullshitting.

[David Alan Grier]

Not bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Loggers.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? That. That says trouble. And then you go the other one, you see the gay flag, the super Jolly Roger sticker on there, Miata parked in the driveway. You just go for the path of least resistance, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, on Prop 8. Yes, on Prop 8.

[David Alan Grier]

Right. Yeah. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you. You want. You want a sticker that said don't call the police. Call your goddamn mama, Right? Like that.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[David Alan Grier]

Exactly what I'm looking for.

[Adam Carolla]

I got to understand. I understand.

[David Alan Grier]

I saw a brother at the Vegas airport, one of the Waynes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh,

[David Alan Grier]

I saw two, actually. One. One hat was standing in front of Roosevelt Hotel that said humility.

[Allison Rosen]

Humble, right?

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, fuck humble. Sorry. I knew it was an H. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you guys together?

[David Alan Grier]

Humble. No, I Reported take tourism, humble. And the other guy, who was a guy at the Vegas airport, it said, don't hate the player, hate the game. Hate my game. I think it said, what was this?

[Adam Carolla]

97, 96.

[David Alan Grier]

Middle aged Jewish guy. Why are you laughing? I feel like if we could get the don't hate the player, hate my game and the humble guy, together, they could create a, you know, super race of black douchebaggery.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you guys black people are wonderful

[Allison Rosen]

ever had bumper stickers on your car or stickers on your. Like, have you ever?

[David Alan Grier]

I only had the modified in and out urge, you know, for the in and out.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on, hold on.

[David Alan Grier]

Adam used.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna blow up your spot. This is. One of the reasons I love this, man, is you used to ride. You used to drive. I hope I'm not blowing your cover. It was a convertible Jetta and you had a little bumper sticker that said, I break for unicorns.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Yeah, I did. I remember that car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I remember that car.

[David Alan Grier]

They never made a convertible Jedi. Oh, bad Volkswagen. They didn't make a rag. Not to a car guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only thing you heard. They never made a convertible Jetta.

[David Alan Grier]

Made a four door. They made a drive. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't correct in an automotive sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you know what was correct? Your ovaries. Fake. Teresa.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, here's some more news. So here's what Brad getting said.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Bradley.

[Allison Rosen]

Brad Paisley said. He said. I don't know if any of you noticed, but there is some racial tension here and there. I felt like when we were writing this song, it wasn't necessarily up to the media or talk radio or anything like that to deal with that anymore. I think it's music's turn to have the conversation.

[David Alan Grier]

The best racial equality song. Do you guys know the best? No. Belching is not an answer. Three dog night. Ink is black, the page is white.

[Allison Rosen]

We used to sing that in grade school.

[Adam Carolla]

White is white, black is black.

[David Alan Grier]

No, no. Yeah. The ink is black. Yes, page is white. Together we learn to read right.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a beautiful sight.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? The child is black. Yeah, it's a great song. The keyboard, he talks about the key, talks about the piano. Oh, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

The thighs are white, My dick is black. Together we gonna a scab on your cervix.

[David Alan Grier]

Hey, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. We're doing a song about racial equality. Yeah. Okay, now I'm gonna be singing about the keyboard. All right? And now here's his analogy. I'm using. Here's the metaphor, the simile. I'm using the white. You know, there's the white keys, right? And then there's the black keys. But they work together in harmony. And then there's the. The black. There's the ink.

[Adam Carolla]

Ink.

[David Alan Grier]

You know, the black ink. Right. And then there's the white page.

[Adam Carolla]

Bam.

[David Alan Grier]

Right? But together, we learn to read and write.

[Adam Carolla]

You write a letter. Doing what?

[David Alan Grier]

You write a letter with the. With the black ink, but we put it on the white page. Okay, Teddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Got it. Got it.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, so you ready to take this one?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, so I'll start.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want to hear you start. Go ahead, go ahead. Sing your nuts off. Please queue up this song.

[David Alan Grier]

Where is this?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not on the database.

[David Alan Grier]

Internet's moving a little slow.

[Mark Geragos]

I can't get the.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. The ink is black.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the. Wait, you're supposed to say, the ink is the paper.

[David Alan Grier]

The white.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[David Alan Grier]

The ink is black.

[Adam Carolla]

The penny. The key is wrong.

[David Alan Grier]

The ink is black, the page is white.

[Adam Carolla]

Together. I'm about to dick you down with this quiffle ball bat. Looking uncircumcised. Big shape pin I got. Hey, I'm going write you a love letter with my dick juice. In and out.

[David Alan Grier]

In and out and in.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I want to. Oh, yeah. I wanna. You bust out the back wall of yo. But canal with this ballpoint. Pet him. I just wanna. I just.

[David Alan Grier]

What do you want to do with those titties? Steady.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to tie them titties in a granny knot and then slap box them. Red my dick muscle and skitty skeet skeet all out your cheeks. Then I'm on a beat. My beat. Oh, yeah. That's how much I love you, baby. You have to put that at the end.

[Allison Rosen]

So when I went to school.

[David Alan Grier]

Clap it up.

[Allison Rosen]

When I went to school in Orange county, we used to sing that song in music class. But we did not sing that verse.

[David Alan Grier]

We would do either that one or Grand Old Flag. It depended on what day it was.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, we also did 50 nifty.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

If anyone else knows that, we do

[David Alan Grier]

Grand Old Flag or I want to shadow box your titties, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I used to. When I was at Schultz Elementary School in Detroit, we used to sing I Like It Here.

[David Alan Grier]

You like it what?

[Adam Carolla]

I am so lucky to be in America.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow. And I am thankful each day of the year.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I can do as I please. Speak my mind to the breeze.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it Here.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the song. I can climb to the top of a mountain so high. Lift my head to the sky and say how grateful am I for the way that I'm living? I'm working and giving and holding this land I hold dear.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it. I like it.

[David Alan Grier]

I like it here. The acl, the aclu would shut that shit down immediately right now, because they just show up and go, there's one person that doesn't like it here. And you're alienating that human being so you can no longer sing that song in the school anymore and going to sue your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

I still remember the song. Where'd you go to school, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Chicagoland, just outside of Chicago. We sang Grand Old Flag in the Morning. San Grand. For reals?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Do we know it? Do you mind? You're a grand old flag. You're a high flying flag. And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of the land I love the home of the free and the brave. Teddy. Joining every heart beats. You are red, wide blue where there's never a bo. Or brag. And should old acquaintance be regard. Keep your eye on the grand old flag.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't get in there. I can't get in there.

[David Alan Grier]

By the way, that's a weird. You announcing you never. You announcing you never post or brag. Is bragging about you not bragging.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a real humble brag.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, you're really. Yeah, it's a humble brag. It was the first humble brag. The original. The first sample, too.

[Adam Carolla]

The.

[David Alan Grier]

They sampled O Lang Syne at the end there. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah. They mix it in and it's. I haven't done that since I was in the sixth grade. It was kind of weird how shit gets burned in. All right. Speaking of shit that gets burned in, there used to be. No, not you, dad. That's not a racial thing. I'm doing my own thing now. There was a thing at the YMCA that used to talk about safety in the water. Like it was one of those PSA commercials. Remember all those bad 70s? Like, hey, you know. You know, going out to the beach is fun, but you don't want to get out past the breakwater. There's riptides and all that stuff. This. I don't know why. I don't think I've ever done this, but the song went, there is fun in the water, but there's danger, too. And you got to swim well, so nothing happens to you. Learn you can sleep anytime, any one day how to swim at the ymca. Learn how to swim but never swim alone. There's safety in numbers. Don't strike out on your own. And never dive unless you know the water's not too shallow and it's clear below. That's how much time I have ever. Well, it's horrible. But the point is is we're prisoners in our own home back then. Because my kid. What are you talking about? Our kids are never going to learn any of these shitty theme songs because they're going to be on top of the universal with 500 other channels before the Pete Ellis Dodge theme song can come out.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they even listen to commercials or sing in school anymore?

[David Alan Grier]

No. They certainly.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Did you know when we used to swim every summer? The thing that we were haunted.

[David Alan Grier]

We were swimming.

[Adam Carolla]

My neighbor's pool. My neighbor's pool.

[David Alan Grier]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Most of my friends were doctors and lawyers.

[David Alan Grier]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyways. No. But you know the whole thing where they said kids don't eat?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. You cramp up. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking about when I was a kid. I thought you would cramp up and die.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You could not eat a hot dog or a piece of cake.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna dive in the water and your ass is.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the problem with warning kids. Adults don't think to, like, give it a nice ending. Let them know that this is not death that you're suggesting. Because that's what everything seems like. I remember there was a chance that my mom's car was gonna overheat when I was a little kid. But I went to bed thinking her car might explode and take the whole house with it.

[David Alan Grier]

Do you guys have to. They would say to Whitey, you're going to Davy Jones lot.

[Adam Carolla]

First of all, nobody says Whitey but you. Oh.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I think LL Cool J did.

[David Alan Grier]

LL Cool J Ma Sun.

[Adam Carolla]

Why they. I love your racist ass. Why they.

[David Alan Grier]

But they'd say, you're going to Davy Jones Locker. That means you're going down to the deep end. Like you never come back. Did you guys. Is there a black version like Grace Jones Locker?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We did Davey Jones Locker. She wasn't. I was a kid before the disco.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay. Sorry. That's right. You wouldn't know. That would have been a weird reference.

[Adam Carolla]

I did but side. But a way to get out of a bad improv like this. Sir. I did tell my daughter a story one night after she was acting up about this little girl that didn't do what her parents said and everyone left her and she grew up in a house and it burned down. And so she was Running in my room all night.

[David Alan Grier]

Daddy, wake up.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, yes. But I felt. Really?

[David Alan Grier]

You ever do the Teddy Pendergrass for her?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I do. Sit your ass down in the bed, baby. Oh, I will. I can't. I couldn't.

[David Alan Grier]

No, you couldn't do that. All right, a little love to one of our fine sponsors before we get to our next news story. Ah, go, Daddy. Baby. Now, listen, Dag, I need you to kind of, you know, keep it tipped here.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[David Alan Grier]

Because GoDaddy's a good sponsor and they've told us about profanity in the past.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[David Alan Grier]

So if I just. If you just sort of let me get through this, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, no problem. It's just in the past, we've had some difficulty.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. All right, serious. Super serious.

[David Alan Grier]

Let's say you're dick ass. Yeah. See? What? Sorry, hold on. Matt, was that you?

[Adam Carolla]

That was improv.

[David Alan Grier]

Was not me. I can't sing. Listen. Listen to the voice.

[Brian Bishop]

I was.

[David Alan Grier]

My back was turned. Just use your ears. That was. That's definitely not me. Dag, I wanted to say about GoDaddy. Yeah, just let me. If I can get through this read here. For only 99. Suck out my ass. Matt, was that you?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is he not you? He's known as a microphone's not even near his mouth.

[David Alan Grier]

Dag.

[Mark Geragos]

What?

[David Alan Grier]

That could have been you.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay. I just want to see if I can get through this read. These guys pay good money. Sorry. Sponsor the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Make your money.

[David Alan Grier]

Understand?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on team. Go ahead.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, no, I'm here because of sponsors like GoDaddy. All right. For less than a buck for a whole year. Okay. Something. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I'm basically saying suck out my ass.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm just gonna push Forward here with GoDaddy. It's only 99 cents for one new or transferred dot com. This one and die. Let's see. I feel like they would never put that. Go, daddy. Go yourself. But hold on, dad. Now, wait a second. Now you're not being fair. Danica Patrick drives the GoDaddy car, right? Used to.

[Adam Carolla]

Danica Patrick's a NASCAR driver.

[David Alan Grier]

Do you think they would put go yourself on the side if they did?

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody be talking about it. Call me Knucklehead Johnson.

[David Alan Grier]

Bingo. Each new domain name comes with a free page, website, you, personalized email, you and 24. 7 customer support. Just enter the. Enter the promo code. Oh, that's not the promo code. Adam 99 at checkout.

[Adam Carolla]

Go Daddy.

[David Alan Grier]

You click [e-mail]. that's Adam, the number nine. The number nine at GoDaddy, dickhead.

[Adam Carolla]

You piece of.

[David Alan Grier]

I love Godaddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a big customer. I've been using him for years.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, let's do one more half a story here.

[Allison Rosen]

Alec Baldwin is in talks to join NBC's late night lineup. They're talking about potentially he might have a talk show because you know, he has that podcast. Yeah, he has a podcast.

[David Alan Grier]

He does, he does.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's called here's the thing. And he interviews people in the studio or he goes to them. And I think that would be the format of this potential talk show.

[Adam Carolla]

And his co host is rumored to be Shia LaBeouf.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, really? Oh, yeah, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. From the movies. Yeah. They recently did a play and he was fired.

[David Alan Grier]

He's. He is the talented one of the Baldwins. He would be the.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[David Alan Grier]

Ivory Keenan. Ivory Waynes of the Baldwins. Come on, Dag. You know what I'm saying, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Improv noises.

[David Alan Grier]

If we did the Baldwins and the Wayans. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Handle this, Adam, because you're my boy. What the is up with you, man?

[David Alan Grier]

Sorry, I was trying to do my Michael Winslow.

[Adam Carolla]

Make his money. He's, you know. Come on.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, all right.

[Allison Rosen]

Rank the Baldwins talent wise.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there's. First off, there's the one you haven't heard about. Unice. Unice Baldwin, the sister who's the lost

[Brian Bishop]

Baldwin ball of Baldwin talent.

[David Alan Grier]

Way more. And then there's a free fall and. And. Matt, knock it off. And then you get to Alec.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Right. Yeah. Eunice sets the bar.

[David Alan Grier]

And then after that, then would it

[Allison Rosen]

be Billy just cuz he looks like Alec?

[David Alan Grier]

I think I'd be be Billy. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at the way he's sitting man.

[David Alan Grier]

Hey, Matt, please, we're trying to do a show here. Sorry. I'll behave. I mean, do you do like high

[Adam Carolla]

humor like this at your little improv?

[David Alan Grier]

I'd like fart noises. I'm sorry. Funny is funny, but then you cross

[Adam Carolla]

it not.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so it'd be Eunice, then Alec, Billy.

[David Alan Grier]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Then would you go Daniel, Dan.

[David Alan Grier]

Wait, Daniel or Steven. And then a fire hydrant and then Stephen and then that'd be it.

[Allison Rosen]

Now is that because you hated Biodome or you hate his religion?

[David Alan Grier]

All I know is when I did Stern a million years ago, I said. And it's my fault, I said to Gary, I called the night before and I said, who else is coming in tonight, tomorrow morning? Because, you know, I want to see if, you know, if I know them. If I can make some jokes about

[Adam Carolla]

them, if I have the same connection you have with.

[David Alan Grier]

Right, right. So he's. So Gary Baba Booie said, well, Stephen Baldwin's coming in tomorrow. And I was like, oh, fuck that douchebag. Well, I said it to Gary, who I thought were friends, you know, And I said, ah, the guy with the Bible thumping all the time and always chewing on the energy bars and stuff. I said, what, what time is he coming in? He said, oh, he's coming in at 7. He's going to be out of there by 8. You're going to come in at 8, 10, and you'll have the rest of the morning. And I said, good, I don't even want to see that guy. And he said, fine. And I came in the next morning and put the headphones on, everything. They sat me down on the sofa and I said to Gary, I said, how was Baldwin? Where's Baldwin? He's like, oh, he's not here yet. And I said, his flight's late or something. Next thing you know, Baldwin sitting down next to me. And next thing you know, Stern is saying, so you said Stephen was a douchebag, he didn't want to do the show with him. Is that true? And you know, like when someone tells you something really specific that you said 12 hours earlier and you're like, what? Huh? No, I have great love. I may have had. Well, first off, I'm a comedian, so you can't take anything I say seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

That doesn't sound like the Adam I know. You didn't stand up to him and say, I used to sling shingles. I'm not afraid of any man.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Sling problem with black. Sounds like I spread venereal disease. Sling shingles.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a hammer in my back pocket.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes. I used to work in stress. I, I, I was not, I was not born of privilege.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't, you didn't stand up to this man.

[David Alan Grier]

He scared me because he had a Bible in one hand and like a, a cashy Goleen bar in the other, and I was scared I was going to be violated with one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

How did he take it?

[David Alan Grier]

He took it like a religious Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

Would he turn the other violently? He's violently religious, is that what you're saying?

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

When he would say God bless you, it hurt like, God bless you.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah. He became very born again.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think that's good producing, though?

[David Alan Grier]

It's good for the moment, yeah. It is, it is. I mean, you can't, I, it was my fault. It's like.

[Allison Rosen]

Dag, you should hear what Adam said about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, no Adam on that point. I think we discussed a certain gentleman and I don't want to revisit it because I don't want those.

[David Alan Grier]

Matt knows how I feel about him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think you asked me about this other gentleman that might be on the show. I said some things. I don't want to revisit them, but yeah, I mean, it's out there. No, here he is. I don't.

[David Alan Grier]

Matt, I forgive you. He forgive me. Your cheek. Thank you. All right, should we do. Let's bring it home. I got one.

[Adam Carolla]

So I gave you something and dropped it and pushed it away.

[David Alan Grier]

Half a more. Half a. One more time.

[Mark Geragos]

I don't know where to go with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where to go with that.

[Allison Rosen]

A Lamborghini Mura sv.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Caught on fire at a London photo shoot. I know this might be painful for you to see some footage of it.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But we do have it.

[David Alan Grier]

It burned to the ground. Lamborghini Mura sv.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's why did it catch on fire?

[Allison Rosen]

They don't know. They said something might have gone awry in the engine bay.

[David Alan Grier]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're pieces of shit.

[David Alan Grier]

It wasn't the freezer or the glove box. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that like just saying the car caught on fire?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, it's a. It's. It's aluminum bodied car, so it's going to melt. Here's the whole thing. If anyone wants to know about Lamborghini mirrors, I believe they made like 378 P's that was the first year. The second year they made 140 S's and then the last year we're talking about like 1967 to 1972, they made like 150 Svs. The Svs are. They have a little broader fender on them and a nine inch. They have a nine inch rear wheel. And they made 390 horsepower versus 370 horsepower they didn't have. It didn't split a sump system with the transmission.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that you got. Now that you whip this off. Okay.

[David Alan Grier]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy.

[David Alan Grier]

The car that you're seeing burning right now is worth between 1.1 and $1.4 million. That's the. That's the going rate for Lamborghini Miura.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have one of these?

[David Alan Grier]

No, I have two of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice comeback.

[David Alan Grier]

In case one starts on fire.

[Mark Geragos]

Right.

[David Alan Grier]

One catches on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it true that you burned this one so that yours go up in value?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but do yours.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's really sad that this car is burning. Am I nuts here? But 70, 000 people were killed in Syria.

[David Alan Grier]

That's the last.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought I'd bring it up anyways.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, the less mirrors we have better. No, I don't have two SVs. I have two Ss, which you remember.

[Adam Carolla]

The Ss were the ones that are for real, but the other. These are just for.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, they're just a car that I always like because they're super exotic. And I saw the price was going up. I. I explained famously that I. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, listen, I went out to buy a blender one Saturday. There's. There's. There's a place you probably know about.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this a barnyard?

[David Alan Grier]

No. You know the place I'm talking about? No. Sepulveda Boulevard. There's a restaurant supply place called, like, Star Restaurant Supply. Oh, bullshit. You're. You're such a foodie. Come on. You do know what I'm talking about on Sepulveda?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[David Alan Grier]

In Van Nuys. You've been there, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Amazing store, right?

[David Alan Grier]

I went there to buy a blender, and when I was driving there to buy a blender, I passed by this Italian car place, and there's an orange mirror that was parked in there, and I just went in just to, like, check it out, and the guy told me it was for sale, and it seemed like it was about 80 grand cheaper than it should have been. And I said, don't sell the car. And then I did buy the blender, but I ran home and.

[Allison Rosen]

To get your 80,000.

[David Alan Grier]

No, it was 80,000 cheaper than it was. Like, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it, 3, 400,000?

[David Alan Grier]

It was like $320,000, which I didn't have lying around the house at the time, but I was. So I borrowed real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, Adam. Who in the audience has just done that? Bought a $300,000 car? Hands up. Okay. No hand. Not one. Hold on. Anybody. Italian sports car? Anybody own one?

[David Alan Grier]

290. 290. $290,000. All right, now hold on before you start making me seem like an ass. 280. 280.

[Adam Carolla]

I know someone who just ran and bought this car.

[David Alan Grier]

I sold a bunch of shit. I sold a bunch of shit. And then I borrowed $100,000 from my assistant's dad. That was an uncomfortable phone call. Your son is doing a hell of a job. Do you have $100,000 I can borrow? And I borrowed 100,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you know that he Was rich or were you just trying all avenues?

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, he said his dad was a lawyer and had money as I borrowed.

[Adam Carolla]

But does he know how much it's worth now?

[David Alan Grier]

It's worth, no.

[Adam Carolla]

But does the dude that loaned you the money.

[David Alan Grier]

No, I paid him back lickety split. And I think I gave. That's not racial, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you never heard about lickety Split Jefferson?

[David Alan Grier]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

He was killed in Irvine. Downtown.

[David Alan Grier]

I know the eeny meeny mindy boat. Look, if any meanie miny mo can go south.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, those are the original. Those are the original Pep Boys. That business. Yeah. They were three black brothers. But I digress. Go ahead.

[David Alan Grier]

Right. So I borrowed a bunch of money from my assistant's dad and I bought a Lamborghini S because I knew it was a good. A good investment.

[Adam Carolla]

How many years ago?

[David Alan Grier]

It's like three years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They're giving you a light. Say good night.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Good night. That's my closing.

[David Alan Grier]

Bring it home. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, Cup.

[David Alan Grier]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. Ah, one last piece of business. Go to my PC. You stuck somewhere. You're wasting time. You're not doing anything. Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. Let's rampage. Let's say you got a movie, doing your stuff in your trailer. You want to get to your home computer, but you're on the set somewhere. You're out in Canada somewhere. You're out in New Mexico somewhere. And you want to get to that home computer with a big chain hanging around it.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch it, watch it. He's smiling. This is right before the curtain drops.

[David Alan Grier]

And he uses anchor chain too. He doesn't around. He doesn't like the thing about Mr. T's. Mr. T had a bunch of little chains.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

No, not rampage. Big. Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's not. It's not gold, is it? Right?

[David Alan Grier]

No, it's just chain.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoop ass chain.

[David Alan Grier]

It's just. It's just chain. Yeah. Literal chain. Yeah. And you want to access your office computer. You have an office rampage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Alan Grier]

Is there a chain around the office? You want to get your office computer? You can use your iPad, your iPhone, your Android, your. And chain, your Kindle Fire. You can work while you're waiting, while you're pacing, while you're ready, waiting to go into the octagon or go on to the set. Try. Go to my PC. Free. Try today. Special free 45 day offer only if you visit GoToMyPC. Dot com. Click on the try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All righty. Me and Dr. Drew. That is this Saturday, Redondo Beach. Come on out and say hi. Performing Arts Center, Matt Walsh. Beep, everybody. Sundays, 10:00pm HBO. DAG what I do with your card, huh? He's going to be with the Hansen brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely killing it. I want to invite you to to my show, the movie 17 minutes of

[David Alan Grier]

the people brought to you by M. Night Shyamalan. M. Night Tyler Perry opens May 10th. Look for that. And also Sand Manuel Casino. That's April 18th with all the Wayne's brothers, at least the good ones. And Charlie Murphy for sloppy seconds on stage, Twitter him at David Allen Greer, food blog. Chocolate glutton. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Food blog.

[David Alan Grier]

Thank you so much. I love you so much, dad. You know I love you. So until next time, Sam Crow for Matt Wallace, David Allen Greer, Allison Rosen and Paul Bryan saying mahalo. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Mark Geragos]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow,

[David Alan Grier]

the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep, and

[Mark Geragos]

sudden belief in extraterrestrials.

[David Alan Grier]

No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now. Pay never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@o'reillyauto.com. adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Kurillo, show 1055. Come up next, we have Adam Kurilla, show 1077, also from 2013, featuring the great Mark Erigas, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.

[David Alan Grier]

Dave damaschek, Good to see you, my friend.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of fundamentalist Christians, Ace, what a pleasure. Bald BRIAN Allison, it's the pleasure is all mine, especially to see you in makeup today.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was gonna say your complexion,

[David Alan Grier]

you know, and every time they'd say, we can take it off, I go, why would ya? It'd be like saying, I notice you have a smile on your face. Would you like me to remove that?

[Allison Rosen]

You want me to turn that smile upside down?

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. I can get one of these wet naps here and take that smile right off your face.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you done the thing yet where you put your own makeup on, though? Have you been? Cause I've, you know, last football season, I was out on the road alone, of course. And they're not gonna dispatch a makeup person.

[David Alan Grier]

Powder puff.

[Brian Bishop]

So I had, they actually gave me a bag with a puff and everything else. And I found myself sitting in more than one automobile before a football game, no less. Powder, you know, doing the thing under my eyes and everything.

[David Alan Grier]

Let me, let me say this. Good day, Allison Rose, oh, hello, Adam, Carolla and bald Brian, of course. I agree wholeheartedly. Couple of things, you know, we never stop talking about secondhand smoke, third hand smoke. Eventually our kids can look forward to a world with fourth hand and fifth hand smoke. And then I always go, but what about leaf blowers? What about everything else that's just sort of flying up my nostrils that no one else seems to give a shit about? And by the way, what's worse, a guy smoking two lifeguard stations away from me on a beach and the wind's blowing the opposite direction, or the guys in front of my house blowing the plume of fertilizer and rat shit until it makes a toxic dust cloud that I have to walk my dog through. Like, what's really worse? I got the makeup. My new makeup person for this pilot I'm shooting does the airbrush makeup. And the airbrush makeup is a time saver.

[Allison Rosen]

Although, yeah, it will save time from your life. That's what I'm thinking from the end of it. It'll shave a little bit off.

[David Alan Grier]

If you're tired of living. We can shave a few months off that. There's a Couple things. First off, it takes just as long as the powder puff one. It's not.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, but they don't have to touch you.

[David Alan Grier]

I think that's what it is. If Howie Mandel was a makeup artist, this would be his weapon of choice. So they fill. Did I say hi to ball Bryan? Hi, ball Bryan?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he agreed wholeheartedly.

[David Alan Grier]

I agree. Sorry. They fill the little hopper up with something that's close enough to your skin tone, and then they blow it. But they blow it on your face. And of course, they blow it around your nose and your upper lip and through your nostrils, stuff. And you realize no matter how hard you try, you can't hold your breath for nine minutes. And you end up just sitting there breathing in this powder. And again, you know, I'm sure people could tell you what was wrong with secondhand smoke and what's in secondhand smoke, but breathing in anything I think we can generally agree is bad. Right? So you sit there and, like, and then you try to close your eyes. And then sometimes a producer will come up to you and you try to talk, but just gets in your mouth. And then. And they're just spraying, spraying.

[Allison Rosen]

And then did you do the thing where suddenly you're like. And you super inhale it?

[David Alan Grier]

Yes. I have beige lung. Coal miners have black lung. I have a beautiful beige tone, blemish free lungs. But yes, you're just sucking it in. Now. No one ever says, look, if somebody lit up a cigarette within a 10 foot vicinity of, like, someone with Chaz. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Move it over. Take it out to the porta potties. You're gonna smoke a cigarette over here. But I'm sucking up makeup. I've become like the Estee Lauder woman, but just on the inside. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I do.

[David Alan Grier]

I literally have a woman trapped inside of me now trying to get out.

[Brian Bishop]

I love the idea that there really is no virtue to this either. You're right. It doesn't take. Because I had that done to me once or twice, where they essentially spray paint your face. And you're right, it takes the exact same amount of time.

[David Alan Grier]

No, but it's. It seems like a step in the right direction, but it really doesn't save any time.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there are warring factions in the makeup world. I'm surprised there's not a reality show about this. And the ones who are against the airbrushing say that the airbrushing people, the reason they like it is because they're afraid to touch humans. And it's really so much more about the experience of, you know, putting on the makeup by hand. And these are like cold makeup bots.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, either way, I've sucked up at least a powder keg worth of beige Maybelline, whatever, over the last few years. Having. And what they do, what they'll also do with the airbrush. It's a weird position to be in because you're trying not to breathe. It's counterproductive. It's counterintuitive. Like where you're sitting there going, I'm not going to breathe. I'm not going to hold still, but I'm not going to breathe. It's great. If you're ever abducted, I'll be in great shape. Like, I'll be, oh, yeah, throw me in the trunk. That'll be a lateral move from getting this makeup applied. This is awesome. But they'll do it when they do, like, award shows and they have a whole bunch of presenters and a whole bunch of dancers and a whole bunch of models and stuff, and that's when they'll just sort of mow you through. But when it's just one or two people, by the time you set up Anyway, it's just CO2.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it taboo?

[David Alan Grier]

No, it's a little compressor that just. They plug it in. It just goes. It's a little airbrush. I mean, it's like, you know when Mexican guys draw Aztec goddesses on the sides of El Caminos. You know what I'm talking about?

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely.

[David Alan Grier]

It's exactly the same. Exactly. It's no different. Thanks for putting.

[Brian Bishop]

Understand.

[David Alan Grier]

No different than that. So I had that experience.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, wait, is it taboo to mention what this pilot is?

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, no, it's a. It's a thing for Spike about catching crappy contractors. At least that's what I was told. I mean, I'm not. I wasn't told not to say anything about it. Well, I do know. I do know the business. Well, part that makes me feel bad is everyone's like, oh, man, this guy's such a scumbag. And I'm like, hey, he's doing the same thing my buddies Ray and Chris do to everyone on a daily basis. They have a long laundry list of people who would like them to come to their house, who they were paid in full, who they never finished a punch list. I mean, half the guys I went to high school with are doing this for a living, and they're all doing it about the same way. So it's hard for me to actually have a lot of ire. You Know, like, I can't have a lot of righteous indignation against. My two best buddies from high school are exactly the same guy that we're trying to catch. Essentially.

[Allison Rosen]

Be a great twist. If you end up catching one of

[Brian Bishop]

your friends, that'd be awesome.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. And listen, we could. You know, it could be we're going after serial rapists, and those are my two best buddies. But this just happens to be. Most contractors are crappy. I try to tell that. You know, when people used to find out I was a contractor, they go, oh, I got a horror story for you. You and everyone else. You know what I mean? Just everyone who's hired a contractor's had a horrible experience.

[Adam Carolla]

Dare I ask what the trick is

[Brian Bishop]

to finding a good one?

[David Alan Grier]

Unfortunately. Here's how you know you have a good contractor. We'll do a little reenactment. You come up with a little, I don't know, master suite remodel that you and Christy want to do. I'll pick up the phone.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, hold on. Mm. Hello? Z. Bass remodeling.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[David Alan Grier]

Finally got through to you guys.

[Brian Bishop]

You've been ringing off the ringing, and no answer.

[David Alan Grier]

My name is Brian. We want to redo our kitchen. New countertops, maybe a couple new cabinet faces. Hold on a second. I got another phone call.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[David Alan Grier]

Z. Best Contracting. Yeah, we were just talking. I'm Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

I want to do the kitchen remodel.

[David Alan Grier]

All right. Yeah, you got remodel some nice marble. How many square feet?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm guessing about 800.

[David Alan Grier]

It's a big kitchen. When do you want to get started?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, as soon as possible. I mean, it's.

[David Alan Grier]

You know, it's an old kitchen opening here in 2037. Well, that's pretty busy. I'm working three jobs right now.

[Brian Bishop]

You mean in 37 days from now you can.

[David Alan Grier]

No, I'm pretty booked. All right, so that guy's good. Unfortunately, he's busy. It's like, hey, hey, I want to date Gisele Bundchen. Yeah? Yeah. She's fucking Tom Brady. Oh, she's not single. No, no. When you look like that, you're busy. You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Even with a name like ZZZ Best.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow, that shows the quality of the work.

[David Alan Grier]

I use 3Z, so it makes people think I'm sleepy. Little nightcap? Yeah, a little nightcap. Yeah. So when you're good, you're busy. That's the whole problem. And again, it's kind of. I mean, you can find that hot chick kind of in between boyfriends. Or maybe she'll dump somebody for you or something. But it's hard to find the supermodel who's not fucking George Clooney. And thus your little remod of a groin doesn't sound enticing to them, you know what I'm saying? Catch 22 in life when you find the guy who goes, hey, I can start Monday. That guy's no good. That's the sad and scary part.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be right there.

[David Alan Grier]

Right, right. We'll start tonight. Well, it's Saturday night, almost midnight. I don't even know why you called. I'm coming out. Yeah, so the way you know the guy's good is lots of referrals, but super busy and plenty of time and not so many referrals, I'm guessing, today with the Ultranet being what it is, I think Angie's List is the way all that stuff. Yeah. You can just basically go get referrals and figure everything out. Also, speaking of makeup and what you put in yourself, how about this for a piece of horrific timing? So we're in Covina. It's 100. I got into my car at 12:45 this afternoon, and when I start a car, it said 114. Exterior temperature said 114. Now, that wasn't correct. It was probably only like 108, but it said 114. Once I got up on the freeway, dipped down to a balmy 109, cooled off, but I'm over there in Covina, and it's just. You can't run from the heat. It's so fucking oppressive. This is insane. We're not even into the. You know, we haven't officially hit the middle of May yet. And it's 110 degrees in Covina, and we're in the master suite, which is smaller than this room. And we're in there filming in the bathroom. And of course it's hotter than shit, but they got the lights on you and everything, the camera and everything. And it's also five, six guys in a small confined area which always heats the place up. And we're filming and one of the producers, Kevin, is standing sort of in the back. And we got the camera guys and the lighting guys, and we're stuffed into this bathroom. And at a certain point, and it's an interesting phenomenon, at least for me, the compressor fires up. Now it's a little compressor, little air compressor. Not as small as the one that was shooting makeup up my ass moments earlier, but, you know, five gallon compressor. Those things don't have an on off switch. They run off of pressure. So you turn them on and they kick on and then they stop because the pressure got to 110 pounds in the tank, and there they'll stay until it dips down under 80 pounds and then they kick on automatically. So what happens all the time when you're doing someone's house is you leave on a Friday, everything looks like it's off, and everything is off. And then at 4am, your compressor kicks on, and it's the loudest tool. And it's still in their living room and it's plugged in, but you think it's off. It's not off. The switch is on. It'll kick on like a thermostat. This guy Kevin standing right in front of the compressor, which is down on the floor, and we're right in the middle of filming, and it's, you know, it's probably only 102 degrees in the house. And the compressor kicks on. And I go, hold on. I know this one. I'm the guy who knows what this is. The thing just kicked on because it ran out of pressure. I walked over. Kevin was standing directly in front of the compressor, which was on the floor. I walked across the bedroom, walked right behind him, leaned over, flipped the switch off for the compressor, and then went, oh, God, what happened? What is there open sewer line? Is the main line open or something? He went, no, I just farted. I was like. You farted? When he said, about a second before the compressor went off, I said, and it was horrible. And everyone had to clear out the room. And it was literally like, oh, my God. And like 10 minutes later, it still smelled that way. And he couldn't get more people and more heat. And. But I said, this is essentially like, you stood 12ft away from me, farted, and on cue, I walked over and bent over and put my nose up against your asshole. Like, that's essentially what it was. He stood in front of this thing that was on the floor. He farted. I walked across the room, bent over, did a. There you go. Like, just. I leaned over. It was like. I put my. My head was four inches from his ass, and he'd farted four tenths of a second earlier. And I was like, first off, it's horrible, but secondly, what the fuck with the compressor? We've been filming here for three days. It's never kicked on. Once it. You farted, it kicked on. I went over, put my nose up your ass.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't stand this for 12 years. This is the cross I've had to bear.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm not gonna gauge who's funny. I'm a great comedy minds, but at least successful. Corolla, Camel, Cousin Sal and so on.

[David Alan Grier]

All the light and gas like nothing else. Oh, forget about Peter Sellers or whatever

[Brian Bishop]

you want to talk about. Nothing's as funny as gas.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, somebody's got gas. Always makes me laugh.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they go into hysterics about it.

[David Alan Grier]

It makes you disgust.

[Brian Bishop]

It disgusts me. And my case is always this. My argument is always this. It's fecal matter. It's poop in the air.

[Allison Rosen]

Poop is funny.

[David Alan Grier]

That can't be good to inhale that.

[Brian Bishop]

I shared an office with cousin Sal. I swear, I legitimately feel like there's got to be some poisoning of my brain right from that. Even harder. I cover my drinks. I throw them away sometimes because I figure the fecal matter has now settled upon.

[David Alan Grier]

It went into my liquid. How am I gonna ingest.

[Brian Bishop]

I want to ingest that now. No, thank you. I throw it away. Oh, he laughs even harder at that. Everybody's a creep. It's disgusting.

[David Alan Grier]

Grow up. Grow up. All right. Well, I'll tell you. I don't care how much you grow up, you still gotta eat jerky. Especially crave jerky. This stuff. What a pivot. Beautiful. That's why I get the big bucks. I am hooked on this stuff. I am telling you right now, as far as crave jerky goes, the problem is you will be ruined for all other jerky. All the gas station stuff, even highfalutin stuff. It does not matter. It will just tastes like a salty, brittle mess compared to the crepe. Dave Damek. They have chipotle. Oh, it is my favorite. Unjam, Believable chipotle. Crave jerky. Yes. They got a good deal.

[Brian Bishop]

I bite my nose all day long.

[David Alan Grier]

They got the one Night stand sweepstakes. It's the grand prize winner. And guests get a trip to Napa. Yeah. Get a one night stay. Includes airfare, two tickets. And they get to see me and Dr. Drew perform live. Plus they get a $100 visa gift certificate. They get crave jerky and they get the goody bag. They get a bottle of Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

What? The meals are taken care of with

[David Alan Grier]

the jerky and the Mangria. You're done.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, look what wine pairs best with jerky.

[David Alan Grier]

Mangria. I'm telling you, it works perfectly. You get a meet and greet with me. You get to say hi to the dude who invented Crave Jerky. Although I think God invented Crave Jer because he invented the cow. The delicious cow. Actually, this is his jerky representative on earth. Yeah, yeah, it's a good point. Enter now at www.crave with a K cravejerky.com. you gotta hurry. This is it. I mean, the window's closing on this Crave Jerky. The train. The Crave Jerky train is leaving the station with the Mangria Caboose. Caboose. Caboose. Use the promo code Adam. So go to www.cravejerky.com and enter the promo code Adam. And you can see me and Drew. You can go to Napa. I'm going to be racing in Sonoma, by the way, if you want to come by and say hi there. We're doing a mangria tasting that's over at California shiners. That's at 6 o' clock on Saturday. So all that, and we're going to announce the winner on the podcast on Friday. So have fun. All right, Dave Damoshek. All right, one other quickie. Tell me what you guys think of this. So somebody tweeted me today. And then they tweeted. Then I got another tweet. I wasn't from the same person. I felt bad, and then I felt good. They tweeted me and they said, lita Ford was in here the other day, and she was singing that song, kiss Me Deadly. And they went, you can't like that song. And I went, you're right. I hate that song. I mean, I've announced it a million. Not. Not so much on this show, but it's one of the few songs me and my wife disagree on. She likes that song. I hate that song. Just a horrible song. But Lita Ford did a good job on it, and she was rocking it. And I like Lita Ford. And so somebody said to me via tweet, you cannot, like Kiss Me Deadly. And I was like. I paused and I went, I can't say I do like it, because I really don't like it, and I really think it's a shitty song. But I don't want to be mean to Lita Ford because she's a nice lady and she's talented. She came in here and rocked it, and so I'm trying to. So I just wrote, no, I don't like that song. And then I paused and I went, but I think she's great. I'm separating the woman from her work in this particular case. And then I went out to work. And then I came home and someone tweeted me that Lita Ford's dead.

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[David Alan Grier]

That was the tweet that was sent to me that she died. Unlike some sort of personal Watercraft accident.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody kissed her.

[David Alan Grier]

Deadly. She got kissed. Deadly. By a reef. And I said, whoa. And then I remember thinking, what? And then I remember thinking, wait a minute. And then I was doing a timeline thing and I thought, oh, that was right about the time I was answering this guy's email because it said it was 8:45 in the morning. It was like 8:45 in the morning. And then I thought, man, I'm glad I paused and said not only I hate this song, but I thought she was great. Which I paused and then I tacked on, because if she's dead, I don't be tweeting ill about the dead. And then turns out it's a hoax. Still roller coaster still made me realize. Still made me realize that if you have that little inkling where you go, eh, that sounded mean. I mean, look, when it's a douchebag, by all means be means, but when it's someone who you like, don't just be douchey. Speak the truth. And then go, but I like that guy. Or I like that Galaxy. Or I thought she was great. And the same thing with nxs, who

[Brian Bishop]

I like, but you're like, don't like those songs.

[David Alan Grier]

But nice guys. Super. The same type of nicest. Yeah. And then they were all almost dead. Yeah. Had a few of those in my Loveline career. So I don't know who would tweet me that, but I can't take the jerking around anymore. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

It's weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, People do that online all the time.

[David Alan Grier]

Here's what I want to say about the, like, the, you know, the gags. There's plenty of good practical jokes, and I'm up for all of them. But calling somebody and going, there's been a horrific accident. You're home. Hurry. And that's not a practical joke. What are you supposed to do with that?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's nothing funny or clever about that.

[David Alan Grier]

Look, you can call 911 and yell, he's got a machete. He's standing over the bed. And hang up. They have to. To. I don't care how crazy it sounds. They have to pretend like it's real.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's a whole problem. They call it swatting, where they send the SWAT team. People call the SWAT team to celebrities houses.

[David Alan Grier]

I know they went to Ashton Kutcher's. House. I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they did. For one of his punks.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, somebody punked him. Oh, yeah, but how do you get the SWAT team?

[Allison Rosen]

But normally it's not funny.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, the way you get the SWAT team there is you say we have a hostage situation. Oh, you know what I mean? Seriously? Yeah. That's why the next time some drunk guy runs into the side of my house when I'm on the road and the kids are asleep and my wife calls 911, I'm going to tell her to tell them it's a hostage situation. Because now they don't even dispatch anyone. Literally all I do is fucking pass billboards that say, buzz driving is drunk driving and report drunk driving. My wife watches the guy stagger out of his car, take his booze bottles, throw them in the bushes and wait for the OnStar guy to pick him up and drive him home because LAPD won't dispatch a car.

[Brian Bishop]

You're kidding me. What was LAPD's explanation for that?

[David Alan Grier]

First off, they did this thing where it's like we don't have a lot of guys in the neighborhood right now. Well, first off, you have plenty of guys out, right, shipping shit tickets.

[Brian Bishop]

It's encouraging for the future, too. Yeah, we don't have many black and whites anywhere near ever.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't live in a cabin off of Zizzyx Road in the middle of fucking Hollywood. What do you mean? Where are these guys? What are they doing? They would they have to be out of town? I'm in town.

[Allison Rosen]

And what? It's poor planning on your part to have an unexpected accident at that time.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, and you know how it is when you're home alone with twins. You want to go investigate drunk drivers who hit the side of your house and settle their hash. I mean, that's a woman's place. You know what I mean? Our moms did it and their moms did it before that. So you call the cops and explain that someone ran inside your house and they kind of. Oh, well, first off, the 911 operators are right up there with lax security in terms of their attitude, which is they're all these guys. I'm gonna put together a fucking list of people who act personally put upon when you ask them to do their job. Every guy who's worked any gate at any lot I've ever fucking tried to drive on, act like it was a personal inconvenience to him when I tried to get on the lot. And there's almost all securities that way. And half the people that answer the phone, act that way. And it's like, you do understand that if the phone never rang, you would not have a job. If no one ever needed to get on this lot, you would not have a job.

[Allison Rosen]

They're willing to take that chance.

[David Alan Grier]

I know they're like, I don't know what they're in the middle of. Maybe they're playing chess online or something. And then you call them and they're like, huh, not chess.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen those guys.

[David Alan Grier]

Okay, you're right. Connect4online, there's a better bet. Domino's online. Or maybe they're ordering domino's online, but either way, they're put off by the fact that they have to pick up the phone. So they're already a little bit annoyed. I mean, it's kind of that tone, you know, when you're watching, like, you know, you know, like when your team's on check and you know, let's say seventh game, Stanley cup, something something, Penguins, you know, third period. And the phone rings and your first. First impulse is like, who the fuck is calling me? We're in the third period here. Who the fuck is calling with the Penguins on the ice in the seventh period?

[Brian Bishop]

What kind of life does this person

[David Alan Grier]

have pick up a phone and what don't they know about me? What kind of relationship can we have where they think it'd be a good idea to call during this particular game at this particular time? So you pick up the phone, a little pre annoyed. And you also do it with masturbation as well, but that's what you call a tell. So you do the pre annoyed. Like, yeah, they're already a little bit put off just by the fact that to pick the phone up. And then after that it's like, how drunk is he? Is he okay? Is he bleeding from the head? You know what? Go down and check. And then there's a by the way, go down and check. And what? Like, what if the guy just stabs you when you go down and check? I guess you don't call back, tell them to go down and check. Let's go check it out yourself. It's great. It's great to pay the kind of property taxes I pay and not be able to get the cops, by the way. Cops. All you do is write chicken shit tickets. And you love the DUI business because you make a ton of money off that. Here's an opportunity. Guys in the car up against the house, airbag deployed, bottle of Seagrams in the back seat. I said, doc, right there. This is a fucking layup. This is a layup.

[Brian Bishop]

Fish in the barrel, boy. That's pretty discouraging. That's a pretty grim yarn. These sad, phony neighborhood. Yeah, we have no cops, so we can send over.

[David Alan Grier]

The sad part of it is, is it's total. I expect it completely. Now, I would love a system where I go, and this, by the way. All right, hold on. Now I'm angry. The only way to correct this behavior. The only way to correct this behavior. There is a way to correct this behavior. You want to know how? It's like this. Hey, Adam, you owe us $40,000 in property taxes. So pay up. And I go, well, that's interesting, because I called 911 when a drunk guy ran inside of my house the other week. And you guys wouldn't send over a fucking patrol car. So let's make it 35,000. I'm going to go ahead and keep 5,000. And by the way, the next time I call you guys and you don't send over somebody when it's an actual emergency or situation, then I'll keep another five grand. So how about that? That'll be our deal. Because right now the deal is I pay the same. Nothing ever changes. And then they'll decide whether they want to provide the service or not. This is essentially, you'll pay for your satellite tv. That can go out for a few months. Or we can cut back on all the channels and we'll do whatever we want. Don't worry about it. We'll keep doing the automatic debit from your credit card every month. That part will never change. And as a matter of fact, we just gave ourselves a raise. We're taking a little extra. Now, how motivated are you to do your job? I mean, really, the only thing that keeps fucking people in line, the only reason people do their job is because there's the threat of you saying to said satellite company, you know what? Rip up that contract, get rid of that account. Not signing up.

[Brian Bishop]

Everybody should have, you know, have a low salary and everything. Including cops, tip based. Hey, copper. You say you came by? Here's something for you. Tuck it under their badge.

[David Alan Grier]

Lynch got a ticket sent to him in. Michael Lynch? Yeah, he went to. He went off to Massachusetts, but a ticket followed in the mail. I can't read whatever you've put up there.

[Allison Rosen]

It says, notice of delinquent toll evasion. And then the rest is too small.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, he got it. Ticket. He just called me the other day, freaked out he was driving. Okay, here's what's going on, you guys? Now I remember he was driving his wife to the airport. So he was just getting ready to leave, back to Boston or Lowell. He's driving his wife to the airport. Then he was going to drive in a cube truck with his dad from LA to Lowell, Massachusetts. I would need $350,000 for me and my dad to make that same trick. If I was drunk, I'd probably do it for three. But I couldn't imagine packing up a cube truck and driving with pops across this country. Anyway, on the way there on the 110, they have this diamond lane toll road thing. And I'm totally confused by this thing because when you drive to lax, if you have three people in the car, you're diamond lane material. But then it turns into toll road. But I don't have a toll road transponder or beacon or whatever it is. And then I don't know who to pay. It doesn't give you a choice.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think you can pay. I think you can only go if you have the transponder. And it doesn't tell you that.

[David Alan Grier]

So Mike got a toll amount for $2.40. So here's what he gets in the mail. And Lowell, by the way, this follows him 3,000 miles away. What he gets is a toll amount for $2.40, except for there's a penalty amount. What do you think it is? Twice the total amount. 3 times 8 bucks total. 10 times or something crazy. Like 10 times $55 is the toll. So 20 times plus, or at least 20 times what the actual amount is. And then let's see, 10 times more than 20 times, then for grand total. I like this part of 57, 40. I like it when they pretend like they thought about it. So Mike, who's in Lowell now owes LA $57.40 for driving on a piece of fucking freeway that's unclear and unmarked. And obviously this is the way they gouge you because if they charge you for the toll, that's $2.40. Now here's what pisses me off. I don't mind stupid. I sometimes like it. I don't mind smart. I enjoy smart. I don't like stupid and smart in the same person. LA is stupid as shit when it comes to them doing anything for you. Like when you try to pull a permit, it's like, we can't call. No, you got to go to the other aub. We can't call. They have no efficiency. They're horrible at everything they do. They're fucking Semi retarded. They will not send a car out to the house. When the drunk guy hits the fucking wall, they'll do nothing. They're fucking imbeciles and idiots when it comes to your shit. I had a guy destroy my car. He worked out a payment plan through the court system. I had to drag him into court try to get him to pay for. I was six months into it. I called into him, I said, how much has he paid in? Well, we have no way of keeping track of it. You don't have any way of keeping track or you don't want to keep track of it? Because you're amazing at keeping track of things. When people owe you money, you turn into fucking special needs kids with wind up beanies who are hitting themselves over the head with an abacus. When it comes to keeping track of money that people owe me now you're fucking Poindexter and Johnny on the spot. When it comes to keeping track of Mike lynch and the $2.40 and the $55 fine, you're fucking geniuses when it comes to that. This guy's left the state, you have tracked him down and you're gonna hit him for 57, 40. That's fucking efficient, man. But when it comes to dispatching the squad car to my house, not so good. I wonder why you're really good at one thing and really shitty at the other thing. Could it be that there's money in it for you for finding guys who fled your shitty state? By the way, this, it's such a great reminder of why he left this city. He's getting these fucking ticky tack. He got another one earlier. By the way, shitty tickets are following him, but that's a pretty tall order. Finding a guy move 3,000 miles away and hitting him with a. By the way, this was all computerized. It was all magic eye again. The technology.

[Brian Bishop]

I thought that was illegal though. Didn't they say that some of those cameras were told?

[Allison Rosen]

The red light cameras they don't do anymore.

[David Alan Grier]

Now here's what you can't do. What you can't do is fire up the electronic freeway sign when I'm leaving loveliness at 12:05 in the a.m. and trying to drive around the 10 through the 110. You can't fire up a sign somewhere around La Brea or somewhere around Fairfax and say the 110 is closed northbound. That you cannot do, that you will not do. That you don't have the technology to do. I don't know why you won't give me a heads up that the fucking freeway's closed off, so I have to drive into Harlem and turn around and fucking drive through an encampment of homeless people and $100,000 Jag at 12:30 in the morning. Yes, it's a rich white guy prom, but it was like bonfire, the ban vanities, Van fire the vonities. I'm on a roll. The point is this out of the way. You guys are fucking horrible at what you do when it comes to helping people who pay taxes, but you're fucking great at what you do. I mean, this is a. This is an amazing trail of technology. This is an electronic, digital computerized camera. Takes a picture of his car, scans his license plate, goes into the dmv, finds his new location and delivers him.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine if, imagine if it was used for good.

[David Alan Grier]

Imagine if half of that just went into the school system. Like if they just took whatever they did and just said, we're gonna take our smarts and put it toward the school system.

[Brian Bishop]

In the meantime, why don't you, while he's coming in here, hire Mark Garagos to represent Mike lynch in this case.

[David Alan Grier]

He should represent me, by the way. Yeah, and if not paid by July 1st, he's gonna. The bill's gonna go from 5740 to $60.40. And again, they will keep. They will stay on top of this shit. This, they don't fuck up, they don't lose this paperwork.

[Brian Bishop]

His only out, and I think this

[Adam Carolla]

might work, is that it says if

[Brian Bishop]

we don't get the money from you,

[David Alan Grier]

we're going to put it on your next dmv.

[Adam Carolla]

Renewal registration just left the state.

[David Alan Grier]

You don't have to pay any registration anymore. Give them the finger and just register in Massachusetts. I feel like he's going to go to Massachusetts and try to renew at some point and see something's going to pop up on there. All right, check. Let's see. Our attorney is here, so that labels you obsolete. How about we jump right through to creep of the week? And by the way, Dave Damaschek football program you can get on iTunes website davedamashek.NFL.com actually, let's do number one sports

[Brian Bishop]

because we have a sponsor, so we have to do the number one sports. Hit it bald.

[David Alan Grier]

It's time for Dave Dashek's number one Sport Sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Number One Sports.

[David Alan Grier]

Do it, Dave.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Number One Sports. We have a sponsor this week. Number One Sports brought to you by ZZZZ Best. When you want to fix your nest, give a call to ZZZ Best. No, that was your. That's not really it. That's what they call a callback, everybody.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. That's good.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, no number one sports is in fact brought to you by score big.com. the first place you should go for tickets, save up to 60% and get an extra $15 off your first order.

[David Alan Grier]

When you.

[Brian Bishop]

When you use the promo code. Adam. Why would the promo code be Adam? Should be more something like Chipotle. Chipotle do something like that. But Anyway, thanks to Score Big.com tickets of all sorts for you. Take a look at those. You mentioned the Stanley cup playoffs, Ace. Some. Some crazy stuff happened in round one. The Boston Bruins rallied from three goals down to dump the Leafs. They're now playing an original six matchup against the Blue Shirts of New York. The Rangers and the Bruins will be getting it on. Sporty Simmons over the moon about this.

[David Alan Grier]

I love Lucic and Patrice Beaugeron and

[Adam Carolla]

all the rest of them because they're from Boston.

[Brian Bishop]

Also, the Ottawa Senators will be playing the Pittsburgh Penguins who snuck past the New York Islanders. The Islanders gave Pittsburgh all they could handle. They survived it. Much to my pleasure and the chagrin of an occasional guest here on this show. Great writer and wonderful fella, Nick Santora. We made a bet beforehand. A dinner bet. Just a dinner bet. He's an Islanders guy. It was a foolish bet for him to make.

[David Alan Grier]

Nick Santorin down for my Kristof vaults 13 or 15 to 1. Basically bet where I was going to bet a thousand bucks. Basically I took $13,000 out of my pocket.

[Brian Bishop]

Mangria loaded the last time he was in here, if I remember correctly.

[David Alan Grier]

He hires a driver.

[Brian Bishop]

He said to me. But just before the Penguins played the closeout game, he let me know that, hey, I'll still get you your dinner, but just be prepared. I am sitting in complete silence the entire dinner.

[David Alan Grier]

So what skin off my nose is that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care.

[Brian Bishop]

Find me my food.

[David Alan Grier]

I never feel. I never feel bad for the guy with the losing team whose weekend is destroyed. And now you know more. Sitting in mourning with all the mirrors covered up by sheets in the house. I always feel sorry for their wives. Here's a 40 something year old guy who doesn't even live in the state where his team plays anymore. He's been out of that state for 23 years.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't be a jerk.

[David Alan Grier]

Sitting shiva first for some team that he has no involvement with.

[Brian Bishop]

If I could have one voicemail in the history of my life back, I Would have the one that you, Adam Carolla, sent to me in January of ought to. The week before the super bowl in New Orleans, I flew back hoping to watch the Steelers coronation as they ruled supreme in the afc. Unfortunately, they were upset by then a likable team, the New England Patriots. This was Drew Bledsoe, Tom Brady. As they made that turn, the Steelers got upset. I was devastated. I flew to Pittsburgh, flew back. I get back that message is. Is waiting for me. And it goes something like. It was very long.

[David Alan Grier]

It was literally, it was 10 minutes because I was driving to Loveline.

[Brian Bishop]

And you used to always. Your big line used to be, yeah, tickled pink. But this time you said, Shaq tickled brown. And you went into this long story about how I should be. I should at least feel better than the average Steeler fan who is probably the assistant manager of a sporting goods store and he has two kids, one of whom can't learn and went on and on and on. You are going to New Orleans now. It's too late. You're going. And they forced me to go. And the football God smote me by making me oyster sick, vomiting as cousin Sal tortured me in the same hotel room.

[David Alan Grier]

He was smoted.

[Brian Bishop]

Once again, Detroit and Chicago on the other side, another original six matchup. And San Jose a California flavor. The Sharks visiting the former team of one Chichu, facing off against the world champion Louisiana Kings. Instead of the Anaheim Ducks. The team of Tamu Solani, Tamu and

[David Alan Grier]

Chipotle, the whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

And then the NBA. It's anticlimax because of course LeBron's going to win it there. But it'll be nice because he seems like a good player.

[David Alan Grier]

Is that Chichu or Tamu? Wow, that sounds awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

That's Tama.

[David Alan Grier]

That's Tama.

[Brian Bishop]

My main man, Taemu. He loved it. He said he sat enraptured when I sang.

[David Alan Grier]

He sang him a whole song. He wrote a whole custom song for Teemu.

[Brian Bishop]

Tamu kind of man am I.

[David Alan Grier]

What was that song? What was that song?

[Allison Rosen]

There are a lot of them.

[Brian Bishop]

I had what song?

[David Alan Grier]

I know, but you.

[Brian Bishop]

There were several song books.

[David Alan Grier]

You sung him the whole song. And when he was done, this was his reaction. Wow, that sounds awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

Can't you hear how much he enjoyed that? He was so moved by it, he could barely speak. All right, Titus Young of the Detroit Lions. Three arrests, one week. How about that? Can. Can. And has anyone beaten that in American history? Two in 15 hours. And then he throws in the hat trick later in the week.

[David Alan Grier]

There.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a pretty, pretty, pretty good run there. I don't know that they'll ever run

[David Alan Grier]

again in the kickers. Definitely not a Jew. I mean I don't know what position he plays but you know and I'll

[Brian Bishop]

wrap it up here so we can get to Mark Garagos and you can let him take on the Mike lynch case. The toll, the toll scandal of 2013. I'll sit on creep of the week. This sort of works in that way. Did you a back there Donovan? You got the sound there. Did you see on. On Monday's the View they Barbara Walters announced her retirement and this was. I found it so unbelievably narcissistic and repugnant and obnoxious. She did a three and a half hour tribute a three and a half minute tribute to herself. She voiced over the tribute play of just a very quick chunk of it.

[David Alan Grier]

Pioneer. Well after all the speculation and the rumors and so forth. All the rumors. Promise you that if I had anything

[Mark Geragos]

to announce about my future plans you

[David Alan Grier]

would hear it first here. So here it goes.

[Brian Bishop]

Tosses to in 1961 I was hired

[David Alan Grier]

for 13 weeks as a writer and on the air reporter for the Today show on NBC.

[Adam Carolla]

I stayed with that show for 15 years.

[David Alan Grier]

No one was more surprised than I because I wasn't beautiful. Like many Americans, the women on the program before me, I had trouble pronouncing my Rs. I still do but by the way

[Mark Geragos]

during that time I was able to

[David Alan Grier]

change the category for the women on

[Mark Geragos]

that program who up until then were

[David Alan Grier]

called Today girls to the new title of co host. Terrific.

[Brian Bishop]

All right so first of all just the notion of doing the voiceover for your own tribute.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Is just.

[Brian Bishop]

Is so apocalyptically outrageous and devoid of any self awareness. I can't believe that. And then the line I like see she's cagey. Did you catch the part with hey I wasn't beautiful and I couldn't pronounce my R's. See that's self effacing to the, to the novice. But look inside that what she really saying. I'm so damn smart and charismatic they couldn't turn me away.

[David Alan Grier]

Please. That's what she's saying. Okay, here's what I know. Here's what I know about women and the View and all her co cons. They are over the fucking moon about this. They so happy to see that bitch leave the building. That bony ass bitch. Get out of there. They can't. I know it Allson. I'm sure they're fucking There. I'd love to get all of them drunk separately because it was all tears on the air. We're gonna miss you. We're gonna stay in touch.

[Brian Bishop]

Herself cry, by the way.

[David Alan Grier]

It comes out of that video package

[Brian Bishop]

and she's gonna crying.

[David Alan Grier]

They'll never fucking talk to that bitch again. There can't be more excited about her leaving. Look, I know it just sounds like, oh, I don't know, sour grapes mixed in with a splash of male chauvinism. That is a fucking horrible show. Those. Everyone has a no talent on that show. Sherri shepherd is. I don't know what the fuck she even does. You know when you find out these people are comedians and you're like, what the Jo. Joy Behar is funny on that show, but she's not even funny on that show. But she would not be funny in a room of people that were considered funny people.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you have not read her book. Joy Schtick.

[Adam Carolla]

No way.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that the name?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the name of the book.

[David Alan Grier]

Find my book, I have a. If you find my book, I have

[Adam Carolla]

a.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, that's heavenly. I have a quote about first book on 50 years will all be chicks. I have a Joy Behar quote. It just. They're a bunch of no towns. Barbara brings nothing to the fucking table. They talk over each other constantly. And the only audience. There's no smart audience for that. You have to be unemployable. You have to be home during the daytime, otherwise you'll absolutely not watch that show. It is fucking.

[Brian Bishop]

Shepherd announced that she thought the world was 5,000 years old. Wasn't that her? Wasn't that her big thing?

[David Alan Grier]

She does a lot of that. Like, I've been cheated on. And I know in my heart as a woman, you know, it took a lot of, like. They're all. They're all such heroes. They're all such pioneers, but really, there's just no talents. There's all of them. There's just nothing there. I can't believe that. Shows going on, going. Gary, you can read the Joy. My Joy Behar. I have a review of her in the first book I reviewed. Oh, Joystick. Wow. Her hair.

[Brian Bishop]

In the COVID of her book.

[Adam Carolla]

Her hair.

[Brian Bishop]

She's holding a vacuum cleaner, but her hair got caught in the vacuum and it's sucking it up and she can't believe it.

[David Alan Grier]

It's under the View. Well, you can just read the Sherri Shep. I mean, the Joy Behar part. Joy Behar's the last one. You mean Barbara Waltz. Joy Behar. It says Joy Behar. She's the funny one. That's like saying Marwin Al Shayee was the funniest of the 911 hijackers. Thank you. By the way, if I say Joy Behar 15 times, it'll be Joy Behar anyhow. Otherwise it'd be confused.

[Brian Bishop]

The only, I just, just put a bow on it. I think the only person who I immediately as I'm watching this thing, there was one person watching under the Disney banner who had to be over the moon. Wait a second. You can make your own tribute when you announce your retirement. This is allowable. Who do you think is now planning a five night event, a documentary dedicated to himself?

[Adam Carolla]

Teach.

[Brian Bishop]

Look, there's been Bob Costas, Brent Musperger, Vince Gut. Look, there are a lot of guys who've talked about sports, but Chris Berman is the best one there's ever been. This just in on the bee's knees, back on the blitz. How excited must he be that this is? He's done a tribute to himself every week that he's ever been on the air, of course showing those clips of him in Candlestick when he was young and when he catches that one football in 1977 at Buccaneers training camp. We've seen those clips countless times. We can now look forward to seeing them at least once more a piece while we're talking about football. Quickly, if I may self promote. This is great for me and bad for America but on NFL Network starting last Thursday, I sit in now. You know they do in the summertime every year the top 100. You know the countdown from down to one. They do also an hour after that on Thursday nights they do a recap show. I went in there last Thursday with Warren Sapp and Charles Woodson. I'll now apparently be on it every week, which will be great. Last week apparently they were not put out, put off so much by Charles Woodson at one point turning to me audibly saying to me on camera, I don't even know what you're doing here.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Something Mo Damaschek did not appreciate and she emailed me during the show.

[David Alan Grier]

You look nice.

[Brian Bishop]

I like Warren Sapp very much. That other guy though is rude to you and I don't like that. And she, and I told, I told Charles Woodson that on the air. He backed down pretty good. Damoshek gets the game on that one. So I'll be back on there Thursday night, I think 9:00pm there's nine eastern six.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, let me toss out, I'll toss out the website people. Davedamichek.NFL.com all right, bring it home.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, thanks again. To score big dot com. Always below box office price, never any fees. Score big dot com back on the blitz.

[David Alan Grier]

All right, we will take a quick break. First, a little Hulu. I know you love Hulu. Hulu Plus. You thought Hulu was great. This is Hulu Plus, Chipotle. Hulu. You can watch whatever you like on your mobile device on Hulu plus and you watch for free. Thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want, whenever you're ready. And I'm always ready. Current shows, community, our good friend Joel McHale. Modern Family, South Park, Jimmy Kimmel Live. That's still going on. Let the kid have his run. 10 years and still going strong. Family Guy plus classic reruns all at Hulu plus. You can connect your TV or game console. Blu Ray players. Roku. Hello, Roku. Hello, Roku. Chorizo, Apple tv. You can watch it from anywhere you want. Smartphone, your tablet, $7.99 a month. But our listeners get a special extended free trial. That's right. Go to huluplus.com Adam huluplus.com for Adam for the free extended trial. Or you can Click in the Hulu+ banner at AdamCarolla.

[Brian Bishop]

Comingo.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, man. You better hope he stays in the league for a long time. Fingers crossed. The Hulu sales team is very confused

[Adam Carolla]

when they get these reads.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes, but delighted because it's at least five minutes. All right, the great Dave Damoshek out. Mark Garagos. There it goes. I had dinner with the guy. Jesus Christ. All right, I'm tired. We'll bring Mark in, talk all about the big cases. Next, It's time for Nicaraguan. Name that movie with Adam's buddy Oswaldo. See if you can guess which movie this famous line is from. Hey, Dr. John, your time for love. We be go company. If you said Indiana Jones and the Temple of doom. Hey, Dr. Joe, no time for love.

[Adam Carolla]

We got company.

[David Alan Grier]

You're correct. Now back to the show. Mark Erragos in studio. Mark in quite a studio. Adam, glad you like it.

[Mark Geragos]

I like this studio quite a bit. I mean, it's not every studio I go into where there's an Aston Martin and what is it? A Datsun B210.

[David Alan Grier]

510.

[Mark Geragos]

510.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. A lot of range in my car.

[Mark Geragos]

Exactly.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, listen, Mark, I don't know if you feel this way, but the people go through life, they go like people. I see people all the time. They go, I'm a car guy. You're a car guy? I'm a car guy, too. And I go, yeah. They go, what kind of cars do you like? I'm a mopar guy. Just Mopar. Just kudas. Just 71 kudas, that's all. And I go, why? Why just a one? That's like saying, you know. You know, these dudes are like, I'm an Asian bra. It's strictly Asian, hot blonde and a redhead friend. I'm not interested. Only I'm a mopar guy. Like, it's like, why? Why wouldn't you love any beautiful women? There's so many different types of women that are beautiful. That's what I love about it.

[Mark Geragos]

I've got a 98 Nissan truck, which I just love. I love that little pickup truck. But I've also got a Vanquish, which looks like it's the brother of your green car over there.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, it's like a DV9, but it's like on steroids. I hate to say it, but it's true. So, Mark, by the way, the book is called Mistrial. It's available on Amazon. And you know what to do. You go to AdamCroll.com, you hit the Amazon banner, and you put a little wind in the pirate ship's sails. So what's chronicled in the book, Mark?

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, war stories. What else? What do lawyers do when they talk? They tell war stories.

[David Alan Grier]

You represented Winona Ryder. Remember her shoplifting case? I think that was like Beverly Hills Chris Brown. Does your name get on a list of good guys who help bad people? You know what I mean? But I don't mean to say that in a bad way.

[Mark Geragos]

I'll take that over Celebrity Lawyer, which I hate. I mean, that's the. When people say, oh, you're a celebrity lawyer, I despise that.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there's just.

[Mark Geragos]

I'll take Bad Boy Defender.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, there's this sort of thing where people go, oh, okay. Can you believe this scumbag is going to defend this person? Well, somebody has to defend this person. Whether they're the Unabomber or they stole a Tiffany watch from Beverly Hills, somebody has to defend them.

[Mark Geragos]

And, you know, they always say that until they need the lawyer. Then when they need the lawyer, oh, my God, what about my Miranda rights? And what about this? And why. How is the system monkeying with me? And I. Why? This was an illegal search and every complaint in the world.

[David Alan Grier]

What do you do with someone like Winona Ryder? I mean, it's all on the record. Now I'm guessing. Yeah, but what do you do in that case? You first sit down with her and go tell me your version of what happened here.

[Mark Geragos]

No, it's the last thing you do.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, really?

[Mark Geragos]

Don't tell me your version. I want to know what the prosecution's got first, and I want to know what their evidence is. Because my role is not here to. I'm not to counsel her. I'm not to, you know, talk to her about, you may have this issue or that issue. I'm there to hold the prosecution's feet to the fire. If the prosecution can't prove the case, so be it. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you rather a client doesn't tell you something that's gonna. That the prosecution doesn't already know?

[Mark Geragos]

Absolutely. But I'll tell you something else. I generally, most clients, like most people, don't want to admit stuff. I mean, when people say, what if a guy comes into your office and confesses this, that, or the other thing. People don't come in and confess to their lawyer. I mean, the last thing they want to do is confess to something where they're going to be held up to public ridicule. That doesn't happen. It's usually the opposite where I have to confront him and say, look, I've got the police reports now, or I've got the audio tapes and the videotapes, and you're, you know, running out of the store and into the police's arms. And they're denying it still. So most clients aren't going to admit it.

[David Alan Grier]

What was Michael Jackson like to deal with?

[Mark Geragos]

I'll tell you something. I. Because I was a huge fan of Michael Jackson growing up, and then, you know, in post 93, when he had all that first issues, I think he became, as all of us saw, kind of a caricature and he was made fun of. When I was originally hired to represent him, I didn't know what to expect. And I was pleasantly surprised when I first met him. And I talk about it in the book. I mean, this was a very bright guy. People tend to forget he was a shrewd businessman. He had bought the Beatles catalog. He had bought. He had what was called the Mijak catalog. He had Sony over a barrel in a lot of these deals because he owned all of the rights to it and was fabulously wealthy. It's one of the reasons why since he's died, it's become a fortune in terms of what he's earned.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, well, didn't Paul tell him that you should own these Catalogs. And then he went out and bought their music. And I think that caused a rift between them. But at least that's the story I heard. But, you know, it's a story I heard, too.

[Mark Geragos]

And it's good fodder, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Know.

[David Alan Grier]

So I'm not gonna deny it sounds. It sounds good. No one's ever really denied it.

[Mark Geragos]

I haven't heard Paul give any interviews saying it didn't happen.

[David Alan Grier]

He landed on his Just For Men. He's fine. I was thinking about him the other day as I was falling asleep. I was like, he's 71 years old. When's he gonna let a little gray come in?

[Allison Rosen]

Just.

[David Alan Grier]

Just around the temples. Just a little touch around the temples.

[Mark Geragos]

I would cut it up, too. I would cut the hair or get it higher and tighter.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Mark Geragos]

I'm not so sure that that's a good look when you hit 71, because it starts to. You start to look like a female. Yes, Right.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, what happens is you stop producing testosterone. Exactly. Little estrogen starts getting trickled in. Your hair gets a little longer before it's like your mom's lesbian friend. Seems nice. No, that's one of the Beatles. Yeah. But it's funny, too, because then women start turning into men. Like, hey, I like your mustache, Shelly. You got it all backwards, man. Yeah. I mean, Sir Paul, I think he's 70 years old.

[Mark Geragos]

I think so, too. And he just married a younger woman. She's 52, I think.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? I wonder if some of it also has to do with the fact that all these people, I think, are pretty nipped and tucked. And everyone who has plastic surgery at a certain point starts to get the same kind of fake looking face.

[Mark Geragos]

When was the last time you were at the Polo Lounge? I mean, you see a setup or a lineup of people there, Right. You probably. I think I saw you there. And they start to look all identical. I mean, there's. There's after 40.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. So I was on that point.

[Brian Bishop]

I was at brunch for Mother's Day in Beverly Hills, and every woman there looked like someone from the Housewives.

[David Alan Grier]

I don't watch the show regularly, so

[Adam Carolla]

I kept saying to Christy, who does?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, is that girl.

[David Alan Grier]

Is that one of the houses?

[Adam Carolla]

No, just looks like her. Is that. Is. That's one.

[Brian Bishop]

That's one of the Housewives. Right.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, I swear to God, everyone looked like them. Why wouldn't. If everyone is getting the same veneers put on their teeth and everyone's going to the same surgeon to get their lips Plumped up and their eye work done and their hair color. Like, why in the same boob job, like, why wouldn't everyone just sort of morph into one mannequin?

[Mark Geragos]

Except you can start to tell now. I think that there's a pattern. You can see a surgeon's face on these certain women. I know which doctors faces there are. And if you really don't want to go one step farther, you can do it by breast augmentation. Also, you can tell whose breasts are which doctor, because some doctors go a little extreme and others are a little bit daintier.

[David Alan Grier]

Interesting.

[Mark Geragos]

I don't chronicle that in the book, by the way, because the publisher will be mad. I'm not talking about the book.

[David Alan Grier]

But yeah, at a certain point that

[Mark Geragos]

almost is like Barbara Walters doing her own. Whatever, Theo.

[David Alan Grier]

That's probably the Mangria talk. And by the way, enjoy that, Mark. I mean, you could talk your way out of a DUI if something happens.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, that's why I've got the driver.

[David Alan Grier]

I got your son.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Now, did you drive on the way in? You let your son drive on the way?

[Mark Geragos]

No, no, he's driving in.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, good. Enjoy that Mangria. Yeah. Then there's Scott Peterson, who's on death row as we speak. Right. When's the last time California killed somebody?

[Mark Geragos]

Well, if you count dying from natural causes.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Mark Geragos]

Recently there's, I think the most recent person died of natural causes on death row, not from the death penalty.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, how does this work? We have the death penalty and then like for me, the Manson family, when they were convicted under the death penalty, and then after they were convicted, it

[Mark Geragos]

was declared unconstitutional by the US Supreme Court.

[David Alan Grier]

Ah, but there's something called grand grandfathering.

[Mark Geragos]

You wanted to grandfather them in.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, they could have made it.

[Mark Geragos]

Not ex post facto or not retroactively applying.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, I mean, during the law that was in place at the time, when you work and your trial took place, this is the sentence you got. And then that'll be meted out. And I'll tell you what they do. Somewhere around 1979, they said everyone playing in the NHL needs to put a helmet on. That's all the new players. If you were in the NHL before 1979, Gordie Howe, you got. We got to see those silver locks flying like Paul should do. But you don't need to wear. You don't have to put a helmet on because you're in before the law. I have no fucking idea how a sports organization does that. Like how a league does that. It Sounds insane to me. So you have half the guys in 1980 with helmets on and the other half without that. That seems totally insane to me. But yet they were grandfathered in. I don't know if it was a union thing. We want concussions.

[Brian Bishop]

I think the same. Did the same thing happen with batting helmets in baseball? Because I remember there's a period in

[David Alan Grier]

the 60s where some guys had them

[Brian Bishop]

and some guys didn't, especially the flap.

[Adam Carolla]

Some guys didn't.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, that's an interesting question. And I've seen Mickey Mandela at that. With and without. I don't know. But I would like. If the Mansons were convicted with the death penalty in place, I want them killed and again, grandfathered to hell.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, the problem is death penalty machinery is totally broken. I mean, it's just there's no way to fix it.

[David Alan Grier]

And I know everyone says, well, listen, it costs more to execute somebody than it does yet, but wouldn't if we killed them.

[Mark Geragos]

Right. And.

[David Alan Grier]

But the problem, McVeigh, didn't cost that much. Exactly.

[Mark Geragos]

But that was federal. And the problem is, and we talk about this in the book, not a week goes by that somebody doesn't get exonerated and on death row. And I think innocence project's got 300 people that they freed who were convicted, everybody thought was guilty, and it turns out, whoops, sorry, they weren't. And all you have to do is look at Texas. There's at least two or three people now that it becomes pretty increasingly apparent were not guilty and were executed. And that's just not the system. I mean, you know, I think we're alone with Iran and China, maybe North Korea, people who still do the death penalty.

[David Alan Grier]

The only thing I like about that. All right, but listen, Scott, what do we need? You know? Okay, Tex Watson sired four kids from the joint.

[Mark Geragos]

Right.

[David Alan Grier]

That seemed like a good, good use of the taxpayer's money. How would you feel if you're one of the Tate or LaBianca surviving family members? You know, this guy had kids from inside the jail.

[Mark Geragos]

I don't think in that case specifically that the families were supportive of the death penalty or all of the death penalty.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, how about pulling out and coming on the ticket?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, wouldn't they be supportive of that? How about not starting a family inside the joint?

[Mark Geragos]

Well, you know, if you gave him a choice, that most recent case.

[David Alan Grier]

Hold on. If you took the Tate and LaBianca families and you said, look, are you for the death penalty? Say, no, we don't. We're not for the death penalty. All right, how about we give you a choice? We kill this guy tomorrow or he has four kids inside the joint. What do you think they would pick? I think they'd be for the death

[Mark Geragos]

penalty with that choice. I'll give you that. Sorry.

[David Alan Grier]

Recent case.

[Mark Geragos]

The recent case of the guy who impregnated four of the guards behind bar.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Mark Geragos]

And I mean, it's been in the news in the last week.

[David Alan Grier]

Sure.

[Mark Geragos]

You know, that's just Baltimore.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mark Geragos]

But the problem is, how did your case work? Well, apparently this guy was running cell phones, drugs and everything else in and out of the prison. And one of the prison and the guards. Yeah, and four of the guards got impregnated. Impregnated. And apparently they said, well, he picks on women with low self esteem. Right, Right. Why are they prison.

[David Alan Grier]

Hey, baby, want a Pruno cooler? Come by my shell after lights out. Tell me all about those guys who didn't like your huge ass.

[Brian Bishop]

You bring the ice?

[Adam Carolla]

Seriously, bring it. I have no access to ice.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow, four.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, yeah, four women. Well, I was just going to ask. You know, Pruno Mangria, there are similarities.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Mark Geragos]

I don't know where. You brew the Mangria, good for what ails you, right.

[David Alan Grier]

When you know you're right.

[Mark Geragos]

You know where.

[David Alan Grier]

The White Pelican Bay. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever been tempted to switch to the prosecution side? I know my sister's a criminal defender or, sorry, a public defender.

[Mark Geragos]

And she's doing God's work. Where is she?

[Allison Rosen]

A public defender in New York. She worked at Rikers for a while and yeah, it was.

[Mark Geragos]

That's the most thankless job, I think, that anybody who is well educated could take. Because look at what you do. You go four years of college, you go three years of law school, you study for the bar exam, which is challenging. And then you go and become a public defender. Your clients hate you. One of my favorite.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're crazy and scary.

[Mark Geragos]

Exactly. And the clients will. Clients come into me and they want to hire me and I'll say, do you have a lawyer? And they say, no, I got a public defender. I mean, they don't even consider you a lawyer.

[David Alan Grier]

Right, right, right.

[Mark Geragos]

I've got a dump truck. I used to have a buddy downtown who had it on his card. He was a public defender. Says a real lawyer, not a dump truck. And that's what you're viewed and despised by everyone. And they still do it to make the system work.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there's a thought like, hey, if this guy could go cut it in the private sector and start their own firm or become partner in a firm that they'd go do it. If they were good enough, they'd go do it, but instead they're here. And so here they are doing the Lord's work, and they're sort of. In a weird way, it's like when you see the black kid on the campus of Harvard, you go, oh, affirmative action. No, Maybe it's just a really smart black kid, you know, but we have this. We do this thing all the time where you go, I get it. You're working here because you're not good enough to work over at that law firm. Maybe they're just saints.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, you know, I know quite a few public defenders, and most of them are incredible, incredibly noble in what they do. I mean, that's one of the reasons we wrote the book in the first place. I mean, when I grew up, I read To Kill a Mockingbird. I thought Atticus Finch was great. I used to watch Perry Mason. I thought that was the greatest thing in the world. 30 years ago. It was great to be a defense lawyer. Now, your thought of, you know, the title of the book we really wanted, which they wouldn't let us do, was Die Scumbag Lawyer Die, which some guy had sent me when I took the Peterson case.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, did they. Is there a part of you, when you're working on a Scott Peterson type case where you're in damage control in the sense that this guy's not going home, we're going to try to keep him off of death row, or, you know, you start hedging your bets a little bit.

[Mark Geragos]

Like, you do that in all cases. You have to.

[David Alan Grier]

You're a surgeon, you're working a trauma ward. And it's not like this guy's not going to play hoops next week, but I'm going to see if I can keep him alive. He may be missing a leg when we're done.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, that's absolutely. I always call it finding a soft landing. You want to get to a place where you can find somebody.

[David Alan Grier]

But there's definitely going to be a crash.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, well, Peterson. I knew there was going to be a crash when I started interviewing jurors. I mean, we went through 1600 jurors there. 1,600, 1600. Because we could not find jurors who would say, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the Bay Area has got a large Buddhist population.

[David Alan Grier]

That was in Redwood City.

[Mark Geragos]

Redwood City, exactly. In San Mateo. And Buddhists who are against the death penalty. Would fill out the jury applications and said they'd make an exception for Scott Peterson. I mean, that's daunting, you know.

[David Alan Grier]

Wow. And what percentage of people that get questioned that way just want to get the fuck out of there?

[Mark Geragos]

Well, I write about that in the book, too. You know, what I've been used to for 20 years in practice is people lying to get off of jury duty. I mean, who wants to be a jury duty now on these high profile cases? People are lying to get on because they want to do a book deal, which they did. The jurors and Peterson cut a book deal after Robert Blake was acquitted. The jurors were on. One of the guys had a cd and he was an aspiring musician, was selling that. So you tend to. You tend to worry if people have an agenda to get on.

[David Alan Grier]

What do you make of that Robert Blake situation? My, my theory is that when you have a super high profile case like O.J. or Robert Blake, that just consumes the news for months and months, even years sometimes, and then the person's acquitted and they go home. If there was a guy out there who actually committed that murder, at some point he would get drunk and say something to a hooker he was with or do something.

[Adam Carolla]

He'd.

[David Alan Grier]

Would surface, he talked. He'd get thrown in a jail cell and talk to his jail, his cellmate.

[Mark Geragos]

I would agree with you on OJ I would disagree on Blake. I think what happened in Blake, and I wasn't affiliated with it, so I can speculate all I want. I think he hired somebody. And so that's why.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, all right, but it is it. But he. He hired somebody.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, if they had proceeded on that theory, they could have. They could have just as easily proceeded on that theory. They didn't. They could have said, look, he wanted her dead. She was a, you know, vermin, blah, blah, blah. Because that was kind of the tack that they took in that case, showing all the guys that she had conned out of money and things like that. And that would have explained a whole lot of gaps in the case.

[David Alan Grier]

But are you surprised that with all the DNA forensic evidence, the fact that we have, if you would have told lawyers from days of yore that there were these things called cell phones and they'd have time date stamps on whenever they would be used, and surveillance cameras at every convenience store and on every intersection, and just the way to track people's comings and goings and like I said, the DNA evidence and all that kind of stuff, that there would still be this much confusion and this much discussion at trial.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, let me. I'll give you an example. It happened right here in your backyard. We're sitting here in Glendale. I had a case with the Glendale PD where this kid was 18. The family came in to me. He was arrested for a murder, and it was a special circumstance case, which meant the death penalty was on the table. We immediately went, this is a couple

[David Alan Grier]

of years ago, by the way, things that sound good and aren't. Special circumstances.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, special circumstances.

[David Alan Grier]

Garnishing your wages. Right? That's that.

[Mark Geragos]

That means we can fry you. And we went and got the cell phone records, and we showed that at the time the murder was committed, this kid was 12 miles away by the triangulation of the cell phone towers. So it was pretty cut and dry. The response by the Glendale PD and by the LA County DA was, well, maybe he had another phone. And I said, well, you arrested him three hours later, and he had that phone on him. What did he do, have some. Somebody else makes some calls and then hand it to you in anticipation of getting arrested? That kid was eight months in custody, facing the death penalty. His family kind of tapped out to have a defense lawyer defend him, even

[Adam Carolla]

though I did it.

[Mark Geragos]

Practically not a dumb truck, right?

[David Alan Grier]

Practically not pro bono. Well, somebody's got to pay for the.

[Mark Geragos]

Somebody had to pay for the investigation.

[Adam Carolla]

And that vanquish.

[David Alan Grier]

That vanquish only gets nine miles per gallon. I'm going to pump myself.

[Mark Geragos]

Right, but when you go to forward slash, Adam, make sure you go through the Amazon.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. Sorry, Mistral. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Mark Geragos]

Thank you. Anyway, that guy spent eight and a half months, most of it in solitary confinement, before we found the guy who confessed to actually doing the murder, who was in custody at that time eight months later and had to sue and do everything else and vindicate the guy's name.

[David Alan Grier]

That's the part that drives me insane, which is whether it's the O.J. forensic stuff and, like, oh, you know, there's a 1 billion percent chance this could be someone else's DNA. And the jurors are too confused to process that information. It's almost like the information is passed to our intelligence. But again, yeah, you have cell phones. If you just explained this to Abe Lincoln, there's a device. You put this device, you can triangulate it, you can tell what part of Nebraska you're in, and it'll tell you exactly where you were and exactly at what time. Then you'd go, well, case closed. Then it's over. We know where he Was Right.

[Mark Geragos]

But they're invested in it. By the way, Abe Lincoln, the last criminal defense lawyer elected president. Because if you want to lose an election, put your occupation down as a criminal defense lawyer.

[David Alan Grier]

I was talking about a different Abe Lincoln. But anyway, go ahead. He probably would have said, what's Nebraska?

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, but that's not in the union yet.

[David Alan Grier]

That's a good point. Amanda Moxley. Did I get her name right?

[Mark Geragos]

No, you didn't.

[David Alan Grier]

Amanda Knox. Knox. I'm thinking of someone else. Yeah, Amanda.

[Brian Bishop]

You think of the quarterback from Varsity Blues.

[David Alan Grier]

I am. I've combined like three. Three people now. Is it Knox?

[Mark Geragos]

Knox?

[David Alan Grier]

Is it Amanda?

[Mark Geragos]

Yes. Amanda.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Amanda Knox. Yeah, I saw a thing on her. It seemed kind of insane. They did an interview with her. She was at her boyfriend. Says she was staying at her boyfriend's apartment. Then she went home the next morning and the door was kind of ajar, and she went in and brushed her teeth and left. And didn't find any of her DNA. First off, I don't know. You just go to Italy and become a serial killer. Like, I don't get the part where she has no priors and no history of violence, and then she decides to stab her roommate repeatedly. Right. But they don't find any DNA.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mark Geragos]

For no particular reason. And there was what the kind of untold story of that case was. There was a transient who was stalking the woman who got killed, and they had picked up initially, and then for whatever reasons, didn't pursue it because they didn't like the way Amanda reacted. That doesn't act right. It's like there's a playbook for how this is.

[David Alan Grier]

This is insane to me. This. You're supposed to. You know. Okay, so if you're 19 or 2020, and you go to abroad to study or whatever, find yourself, and then you have a roommate and you've known her for five months and she gets horribly murdered, you're supposed to act. What way? Like, can't you be in shock? I mean, can't you literally just be unplugged?

[Mark Geragos]

After Scott Peterson? After some of the other cases I've had. If my wife disappears and. You've met my wife.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, I didn't.

[Mark Geragos]

Right. If Paulette disappears, I'm crying the minute.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Geragos]

And it is a flood of tears for the next three months.

[Allison Rosen]

Never use past tense.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, yeah, I know. Very good.

[Mark Geragos]

That's Allison's, right?

[David Alan Grier]

These 911 calls where they didn't seem concerned enough or whatever. I don't. I don't get it. Everybody has a different reaction to someone being stabbed or someone winning the Publisher's Clearinghouse. Either way, we just have different. We're wired differently.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think that's true though? Because you have sort of the polar bear theory, which is that people tend to act in very similar ways. Right.

[David Alan Grier]

I believe. No, I believe we are motivated by the same things, but in terms of our reaction. There are people at funerals who scream bloody murder and yell take me and Jesus and all that traditional Middle Eastern funeral where they're going

[Mark Geragos]

nuts.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm my buddy in high school who's Egyptian. Leonard Eshoo died him. And a very tragic story. Him and Robert Caceres who were. It's a crazy thing. I think we find the picture in my book. Not Taco Bell material, but Leonard and Robert were good buddies. They went off to csun, Cal State Northridge after they graduated high school. They're in a Pinto station wagon. And the Pinto station wagon got in an accident over on the 405 on the way. They were carpooling to go to college together, got pinned between two cars, burst into flames. And neither one of them got out at like 19. And so we had to go. We went to both their funerals and Leonard's was that. I mean obviously you'd be emotional if you're a nine year old, but this was to the heavens. And if I died when I was 19, my parents would have been Easter island in their fact. I mean, they would have kept it pretty close to the vest.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, I always say about my father, when I was from 8th grade till 10th grade, I thought my first name was dumb and my middle name was shit because he was a prosecutor and he used to just. That was it.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, yeah. Bullet dodge Mark's gone. But this idea that Amanda wasn't showing enough remorse. Okay, fine. Hardly what you call hard forensic evidence. And then there is the dicey dude who does have a history with women and knives and things like that, who is floating around. Why then it's the same thing. Oh boy. I have to dig this name up. But Chandra Levy, I was on that case.

[Mark Geragos]

I represented Gary Condit in that case.

[David Alan Grier]

Good.

[Mark Geragos]

Gary was the guy who was. Because he was having a little fair, a little Thursday night runs.

[David Alan Grier]

You can't bang an intern or two.

[Mark Geragos]

Isn't that part of why you have interns?

[David Alan Grier]

That's all they're good for. There's Robert and Lenny in a. In a very crazy. Just picture of those two guys shortly before. Before their death at one of our football games at North Hollywood High, circa, like, you know, 1980. It's a great picture. 1981. It's a great picture of two guys who are forever, in my mind. Just be that age.

[Mark Geragos]

There's something to be seen.

[David Alan Grier]

They'll be like Paul McCartney. They'll never get any gray on their temples.

[Allison Rosen]

So young and yet. What a mustache.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Simpler times. That was Egyptian dude, who's a kicker, by the way. The Egyptian guys on the left, he's the sidewinding kicker. And they were good friends, and that's why their carpooling were number one.

[Mark Geragos]

Just like Geral Ypremian.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right.

[Mark Geragos]

The original Armenian kicker for the Miami Dolphins.

[David Alan Grier]

Original sidewinder or one of the original Sidewinders. Jan Stenrod, maybe. Anyway, Shondrellievy. They went, okay. They said, hey, she was jogging through this park, and then that's the last time anyone saw her. And so then the cops went and. And found a guy. And the guy they found was a guy. I hope you're sitting down. Who several months earlier, grabbed a chick who was jogging, dragged her into the.

[Mark Geragos]

Not just 1, 2. His name was Nduque. Nduque something or other.

[David Alan Grier]

It's one of those. Oh, God, we gotta beef up the fucking borders around here. But n'd something came over here and decided to. Now, this guy was. I think he was illegal.

[Mark Geragos]

He was.

[David Alan Grier]

He was illegal, all right. Ndukay came over here to do a little raping at knifepoint. And he grabbed two chicks in the same park on, like, the same jogging path, dragged them into the fucking woods, tried to rape them, try to kill them, try to whatever. And they got away and they told the cops. And so the cops went, well, maybe they. Maybe this guy's got something to do with it. And then somebody said, no, no, no, no, no.

[Mark Geragos]

Gary Kondit didn't act right. He didn't act right because he didn't want to talk about the details of the sexual affair.

[David Alan Grier]

But who the fuck was the da? I mean, there was literally a press conference when the female da. I don't know who it was, but she was like, this guy. Don't. The guy. Yeah, the guy dragged the two other chicks off the same path at knifepoint and tried to rape them a little bit earlier in the week. Not a suspect. Go ahead and erase. Shake your heads like a natchezketch. Go ahead and clear that guy out of there. Now let's focus on this other guy over here who was having an affair with her but had no other. Why not focus on the guy did the exact same thing at the fucking park.

[Mark Geragos]

Because at that point, cable ratings were through the roof. People forget in that summer, it was before 9 11, that was literally, literally wall to wall on CNN and they were getting 7 million viewers a night. And Barbara Olson, who was Ted Olson, who was the Solicitor General and argued

[David Alan Grier]

Bush versus Gore, she was Danny Kay

[Mark Geragos]

movie, she died on one of the planes.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, right.

[Mark Geragos]

And she was coming to LA because they were gonna give her her own show to build on kind of her convicted Gary Condit speech.

[David Alan Grier]

But the DA's who do the let's not focus on the illegal who's here, who's attempting to do a bunch of raping at knifepoint at the same park, by and again, dragging women joggers into the bushes and attempting to rape and. Or kill them with a knife. Let's not focus on that guy's done it two times. Well, that seems, I mean, did.

[Allison Rosen]

Was he even a suspect or did they.

[Mark Geragos]

No, in fact, I, as Adam says, I was going out of my head because when Gary hired me, the first thing we did is send the investigator out. It did. This investigator was not the brightest bulb, but he ran across the same guy because he had gone through the newspapers. The Washington Post found the articles said, this is the obvious suspect. And we kept saying it. The response by the media, this is what's mind boggling, was, oh, that was me as the scumbag defense lawyer putting out this information. Five years later, they finally realized when they interviewed this guy, Nduque's girlfriend, that he came home that night, he had scratches on his face, he had cuts on his arms, things of that nature. And they finally decided, and now he was convicted. But he was convicted. Something like eight years later,

[David Alan Grier]

they had the DA at a press conference that said, do not focus on this guy who's been doing this, by the way, for me, I don't need to eat the whole kielbasa. Just give me a little Toothpick Worth and I'll tell you what's going on. When you attempt to drag two women who are jogging into the bushes with

[Mark Geragos]

a fact, I'll give you another fact. Both of those women were wearing, remember the Walkman headphones? Both were wearing Walkman. When Chandra left, the one thing they couldn't find was her Walkman. When they found her remains years later, a couple of years later. Years later, yeah, they found the Walkman there. I mean, that was kind of the signature. He would look for somebody who had those earphones on or headphones on and who was not paying attention so he could snag him.

[David Alan Grier]

It's just a gross incompetence. And you want to talk about who should be on trial? The DA should be on trial.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, it's one of the suggestions we talk about reforms. And the thing I said. You want to solve this problem? Strip prosecutors of immunity? I mean, if I commit, if I screw up, the client can sue me for malpractice. The cops lie or do something. You sue the cops. I've done that multiple times. The only person who's got immunity in that courtroom, who's an advocate is the prosecutor. That's a real problem. And Adam, you of all people, I mean, they are nothing but government employees.

[David Alan Grier]

So I keep telling everybody I'm the only one who does this, because everyone does. Everyone's a hero. I don't think of these guys or fucking unions or raping our city till it's broke as heroes. But the deal is, is you ass wipes work for me. That's the way I look at it. I look at myself as J. Lo, and the LAPD Is just my hired security. Stop fucking with me.

[Mark Geragos]

It's exactly.

[David Alan Grier]

I pay you. Don't fuck with me. You keep me secure. Drop your fucking attitude. I'm your fucking boss. That's my take on it. But everyone else is a pussy, Mark. Everyone else is like, oh, these guys are heroes.

[Mark Geragos]

And they just. God forbid you question something they do or you say ridiculous. And it's all of a sudden, oh, you are. You're a bleeding heart. You're. You know, you're soft on crime. No, there's. Remember my father used to say a lot of these guys, if they weren't cops, would be truck drivers. So don't give them. Don't invest a whole lot into it,

[David Alan Grier]

or they'd be robbing truck drivers. I'll tell you what, you should invest into Legal Zoom, baby. We put Legal Zoom to the test. Dawson started himself an llc. Speaking of the law.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Alan Grier]

Actually, this is the second time I used LegalZoom. The first time was to trademark the World Championship of Guacamole, which is now a legal holding of Los Angeles llc. The work is just a hobby at this point. For you, you're set for life. Absolutely. LegalZoom took care of all of the specific details. I could focus on. The big picture was which was building my business, thanks to LegalZoom.com. well, whether you're setting up an LLC like Dawson over here, S Corp nonprofit, LegalZoom takes care of all you all the whole Thing. Start to finish. Soup to nuts. Start your business [e-mail]. legalZoom is not a law firm, but they can't connect you to an attorney and provide self help services at your specific direction. For even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family, and safeguard your [e-mail]. all right, Mark, here's a quick question. Don't answer. I want you to think about it.

[Mark Geragos]

Would you rather ask you, who's Legal Zoom's spokesperson?

[David Alan Grier]

That's. What's his name? Shapiro. Right.

[Mark Geragos]

Very good.

[David Alan Grier]

Good. He likes boxing.

[Mark Geragos]

Bob's a great guy. He loves boxing.

[David Alan Grier]

Loves boxing. I.

[Mark Geragos]

That's my current favorite client right now, Mike Tyson. I never, I just went with Tyson to a prosecutor's office. Not because he was being accused, the victim of something that we're dealing with. I have never seen anything, any client that I've ever represented. And I think some pretty prominent people like the reaction Tyson gets when he goes in public. It is beyond belief.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, because he has what you want, which is obviously high recognition meets sort of warrior status. Like, it's almost. We go back several thousand years and we become different people. He's a gladiator. Yeah, it's reptilian. Part of your brain responds to him. So it's not that, you know, look, you've seen Brad Pitt pretend to play a part in a bunch of movies, but that's acting. This is shirt off, muscles rippling, trying to kill people that are trying to kill him. And as close as we have to a gladiator sport that's legally recognized in this day and age and that forever's burned in everyone's psyche.

[Mark Geragos]

And everybody remembers those fights that Mike had where he would just come out like an absolute madman and just knock somebody out within 19 seconds of the first round. Remember that Spinks fight? I mean, he was just unreal. But you cannot believe when you see the reaction men, women, and everything else, even in a prosecutor's office.

[David Alan Grier]

Now everybody, I mean, look, arguably heavyweight champ, especially when he was heavyweight champ and before that era, that's the baddest man on the planet, as they used to say. All right, quick question for Mark. Since you know so much, would you rather own the Beatles entire catalog or holy guacamole.com?

[Mark Geragos]

well, from what I've heard, Holy Guacamole is now a.

[David Alan Grier]

What is it, Dawson? Mine is actually, actually the world championship of guacamole.com.

[Mark Geragos]

yeah, but is that Dos Angeles? Is that okay?

[David Alan Grier]

All Right. Should we do a little bit of news? Mark, you can crack wise. And do we get an answer? He's thinking about it. Okay.

[Mark Geragos]

I like Los Angeles. Actually, you know what? I want to own. If I'm going to have to own something, and it's not Dos Angeles, it's the LA Clippers. I really want to own the Clippers. That's kind of my gold.

[David Alan Grier]

Let's get a consortium of 500,000 people who have millions of dollars and buy the Clippers.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah. And get a real coach.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes. All right.

[Mark Geragos]

Poor Vinnie Del Negro.

[David Alan Grier]

Sorry. Allison Rosen. Little news. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison.

[David Alan Grier]

Allison. And when it's time to wrap, it's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So much breaking hard news today. There's no way we can get to all of this, but we can start.

[Mark Geragos]

Can I participate in this? Because I have one preliminary question.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Mark Geragos]

Do you get paid an awful lot of money, or is your husband extremely rich?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, is that a compliment on the ring?

[Mark Geragos]

Oh, my God. What the heck is that thing? I could buy. I could buy Adam's green DB9 and the 510. I'm sorry, not a B210 with that ring.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you so much. None of the ladies I work with have even said anything about it.

[Mark Geragos]

Mark, seriously, that is huge.

[David Alan Grier]

Huge.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thank you. It's really not. I think it looks bigger than it is, but thank you so much.

[Mark Geragos]

The clarity's good. You know, I'm Armenian, so we're in the jewelry.

[Allison Rosen]

We can talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Four Seasons.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, we drove the Jews out of the jewelry. Jewelry business. The Armos did they do.

[Allison Rosen]

I was trying to figure out what language.

[Mark Geragos]

All Armenians. You go down to the Hill street in six. It's all Armenian. When I, you know, first started practicing, that was all Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Mark Geragos]

They owned the jewelry district. But now the Armenians moved in with a vengeance.

[David Alan Grier]

Hey, get my assistant Matt on here. Matt, make a note. Avoid hill street and 6.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, you.

[David Alan Grier]

You go 80% Armenian. I cannot say 100% Armenian.

[Mark Geragos]

Planted yourself in Glendale and you want to avoid Armenia?

[David Alan Grier]

I know this is outside of Yerevan.

[Mark Geragos]

This is Armenian central here.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, The thing about Armenians, they're like paprika. A little bit goes a long way.

[Mark Geragos]

My grandmother was a survivor. Used to say, I can take them one at a time. It's just in groups.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so there's been a verdict in the Kermit Gosnell trial. That's the Philadelphia abortion doctor who it was like a house of horrors. I mean, this is the story you've heard more about the fact that the mainstream media is not covering the story as much as people think that they should than we have really heard about the story. But he was doing incredibly late term abortions. Some of the babies were born alive.

[David Alan Grier]

He.

[Allison Rosen]

It's. It's so like it's physically upsetting to hear about it.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Sniff their spinal cords.

[Mark Geragos]

The allegations were he was using scissors to the spinal cord after they came out alive.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And just really awful unsanitary conditions. He was found.

[David Alan Grier]

A woman died.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. He was found guilty of premeditated murder for three of the babies. And then he was guilty of involuntary manslaughter and the overdose death of one of the women.

[David Alan Grier]

It's one of those things where.

[Allison Rosen]

Anesthesia overdose.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. I saw a whole special on it. It was just this like storefront Philadelphia. You just can't imagine.

[Allison Rosen]

And it went on for years and years and years.

[David Alan Grier]

And it's. And they should have investigated. They never investigated. Or they did.

[Allison Rosen]

They did, but nothing. They never really followed through.

[David Alan Grier]

They did, but they didn't. They came back. They waited like 10 years in between going and investigating. And anyway, this guy. I don't know how. I'm not sure what motivates these guys. They start off by sort of I'm doing the Lord's work. Like he got caught up in the 60s and the women's movement and stuff. Like I'm an advocate for all this and, and right to your bodies, your own and all that kind of stuff. And then it goes into plunging crocheting needles into the brain stem of newborns. I don't know where it turns.

[Mark Geragos]

I think you're exactly right. I mean, look, I'm as pro choice as they come, but the allegations in this case, and Allison's shaking her head here. I mean, I was just in Philadelphia and talking to people who are involved or tangentially involved in the case. It's horrible. It's a. Literally a house of horse when you hear what the evidence was in this case. And I think a lot of people thought it was politically incorrect to deal with it or to face it head on. And that's another problem with the criminal justice system.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a theory. I was thinking about this today. I expect a Pulitzer for this theory, by the way, because I did a lot of thinking about it, about why this hasn't.

[Mark Geragos]

I already have like a five carat rock. You want a Pulitzer too? I still didn't get an answer to the Question. Adam pays you or the boyfriend? Is bucks up?

[David Alan Grier]

She's paid, but not enough for that.

[Allison Rosen]

Not enough. Oh, but I mean, but it's. Well, it's not five carrots, it's less than two.

[David Alan Grier]

Something that was edible she could afford.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry. So I was trying to think, like, why hasn't this been covered? You know, why hasn't this been like the Jodi Arias trial or like the situation with the Cleveland women? Why has it not been covered in the way that people feel like it should be? And I think it's more complicated than just politics. I don't think it's politics. I think for a story to capture the attention of the public, it has to either touch on wish fulfillment or on some primitive fear. And by wish fulfillment, I mean something about like, I wish I could do that. I wish I could steal that. I wish I could take that. I wish I could not deal with people by just, you know, sometimes I'm so angry I want to harm someone.

[David Alan Grier]

I wish I could have sexuality.

[Mark Geragos]

I'll tell you something, you're absolutely right when you say it touches on a primitive fear. And then when you kind of take what cable news has done, and I talk about HLN as a perfect example, the hysterical ladies network that they, if they've got.

[David Alan Grier]

That's Drew's network.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, it is Drew's. And I will tell Drew that, I mean, they take these. It's either a white woman as a victim or a white woman as defendant, who's a pretty white woman, because they don't care. And in this case, almost everybody was of color who was involved.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think it's so like, what fear really? You know, because like Newtown, we owe. The fear that we can't protect our children or the fear of sitting alone in a darkened theater, you're vulnerable. The fear of being abducted, anything like that. This, it's so diffuse. It's hard to relate to any aspect of it. It's just, it's just awful across the board.

[David Alan Grier]

I agree with 2/3 of that. It's also super left leaning media. I mean, it's no different than Pimkazi for me, like they're just, they're not interested in reporting things that don't really jive with what their agenda is. I mean, it's like anybody would. Whatever it is, once you pick a team, when you pick a team and your team's your team, and then one of your teammates, someone gets accused of rape or vehicular manslaughter, something you're kind of like not Make a big deal out of that. He can play Sunday. I mean, that's your team. And when the team you're playing, the Ravens, that guy gets accused of rape, like, that guy's an animal. He shouldn't be let on the field. I mean, we're kind of wired that way, unfortunately. I think a lot of news agencies have taken a. Picked a team or at least sort of had a tacit agreement of this is kind of where we're at, and that's where they're at. I mean, I don't know how else to explain. Like Benghazi, for instance, that was a story that was immediately trans. Transparent to anyone who was watching. There was no this whole cooked up story about the, you know, the video and all that kind of stuff. Like it's the classic stupider liar. If you really think it's this, it's that it would. If you're on this, if you're on the ball as a reporter, it's really easy to figure out really fast what happened because there's lots of information.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, what reporter's on the ball? I mean, that's.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, no one. Anyone anymore.

[Mark Geragos]

No one anymore. There isn't any questions?

[David Alan Grier]

No, I'm not saying the guys on the right pick a side, too. The guys on the left pick a side. This just happened to be one that the right picked up, the left didn't. You can tell the story. You tell me the story, I'll tell you what side picks it up and what side doesn't. Based on who's in the White House at the time, what the agenda is socially, and it's easy to figure out. Trayvon Martin, there's a side. You know, pick up that side.

[Mark Geragos]

You know where it's at.

[David Alan Grier]

Now, that story's going to go nowhere. But what's it been, two years? What are we hearing about that story? Where's that story? Well, forget it. It's no good anymore. It was a great one when it started because, oh, it was just black guy just walking through a neighborhood. White guy just decided to shoot him in the back for no reason. And we got a big problem with race relations here. So that's a big story. Now some of the details started coming.

[Mark Geragos]

Some of the evidence started to come out. Look at the pictures. Look at this.

[David Alan Grier]

Not so interested. No interest. We don't need to tell this story anymore because it doesn't, it doesn't fit the agenda. Now, you shouldn't have an agenda. Your agenda should be report as much as you can possibly report about a story. Whether you're a DA or you're working for FOX or cnn, just where's what we know? But, like, the Trayvon Martin thing was perfect. Was like, oh, that just fit.

[Mark Geragos]

That hit a sweet spot. And it was perfect, a perfect narrative, until it hit a bump. And.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, the bump was the evidence.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, the evidence.

[David Alan Grier]

So there's nothing.

[Mark Geragos]

God forbid.

[David Alan Grier]

It went from the guys walking down the street eating Skittles. This guy just shoots him for no reason. And now the evidence starts to trickle in and out. But here's the point. Where's the breaking news, then? Where's the rest of the story? No story because we're done. We'll just report this part.

[Mark Geragos]

No story because it doesn't fit the narrative.

[David Alan Grier]

Doesn't fit the narrative. Right. All right. How long has the Trayvon Martin thing been.

[Mark Geragos]

He's been in and out for over a year, and they just withdrew the request for a stand your ground hearing. They want to put it in front of a jury, so it'll be interesting to see whether they let that get televised.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[David Alan Grier]

In 10 seconds. What is the evidence that made the story different?

[Brian Bishop]

I got all my news.

[Mark Geragos]

The pictures of his head, the back of his head, that got leaked to ABC immediately. When I say immediately. As soon as that was put on, boom, the story just went cold because it showed that there were. That his story.

[David Alan Grier]

His nose was broken and.

[Mark Geragos]

And the banging of the head on the sidewalk.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah. Trayvon Martin was on top of him. Oh, the guy that got the guy that shoot him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

There you go.

[Mark Geragos]

Those are the pictures. Those pictures. That doesn't look like somebody who was just following him and tackled him and, you know, just shot him to death. That's somebody who was in a life or death struggle.

[David Alan Grier]

Yeah, he was having his head. According to him. And according to the pictures.

[Mark Geragos]

According to the pictures. I like his story.

[David Alan Grier]

I like his story according to the pictures, too. He said he was having his head pounded against the sidewalk, and that's when he shot Trayvon Martin, who was on top of him. But again, not interesting. It was more interesting because we're a horrible racist society and this guy was just walking through the wrong neighborhood and was shot for no reason by a white guy who.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even white.

[Mark Geragos]

Who's not white. I was just gonna say, by the way, if you take a look at that picture, that didn't quite fit the narrative either.

[David Alan Grier]

So I don't know what the fuck's going on with the news, but when did we just decide to just call the fucking free for all I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to send a letter to every news organization. But that's gonna cost money. It's gonna cost you pretty penny. Yeah. Not with stamps.com. no, they can save you money. Stamps.com, you can buy and print official U.S. postage right from your own computer and you can print it on out. And it's like magic. It's alchemy. I tell you, you hit a button, boom, you weigh it. You weigh. They give you a digital scale, you plug it right in your computer.

[Mark Geragos]

Mark, I never even saw that segue coming. I'm telling you, it was a brilliant segment.

[David Alan Grier]

You didn't even know I'm doing it now.

[Mark Geragos]

I didn't even know you were doing it.

[David Alan Grier]

I'm so good. I'm like a pickpocket for live reads. Yeah, they got a $110 bonus offer. It includes. Includes the digital scale. 55 bucks worth of free postage only if you enter Adam, go to stamps.com. now click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That is stamps.com promo code. Adam. All right, one more story, shall we? Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

So many. Maybe we should do one that actually involves our guest, Mark Garagos.

[Mark Geragos]

Oh, I know which story you're going to use.

[Allison Rosen]

Chris Brown and Bee.

[Mark Geragos]

I want to hear Adam's take on this.

[Brian Bishop]

This.

[Mark Geragos]

I really want to hear Adam's take because this story has. I will tell you, the last week or the week before, there was this whole media frenzy about Misha the Armenian

[David Alan Grier]

and that he was again, Misha one at a time.

[Mark Geragos]

And as it turned out, the guy, it was complete fiction. The media just run with it. It didn't matter. Some Armenia had converted Islam even. Even though Armenians are, you know, for 17 years have been, you know, Christians fighting the Islamists. So that story, you get a whole lot of positive feedback. This one, you get quite a bit of negative feedback. So tell the story.

[Allison Rosen]

So Chris Brown's neighbors are claiming that art around his Hollywood Hills home, which he did himself. They say that these paintings or murals are scaring kids and ruining the aesthetic of the area.

[David Alan Grier]

Uh huh.

[Mark Geragos]

Okay, I want to hear your take on this because I've got a very interesting take. You like the Lambo, yes or no?

[David Alan Grier]

He's got a Gallardo, which is like 15 different shades of. It's got the essentially UCLA colors. I want to F with him and explain to me, you know, it is the gay flag. Did you know that? I didn't see the rainbow that would freak him out. There's 10 different colors on that Gallardo. So there's his house, which I swear used to be Kathy Griffin's house. I've been to, mind you, I was drunk, but I swear, Kathy Griffin's old house. We gotta find where that house is.

[Adam Carolla]

Hollywood Hills.

[David Alan Grier]

It was Hollywood Hills, and it was below the reservoir, below Lake Hollywood. That's where her old place used to be. So maybe we'll figure out. But there's a thousand places all built on the side of a hill. So he went out and he drew some, like, where the wild things are kind of colorful, whatever's on the side of the thing. And, you know, neighbors are what?

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, but you know what? It's not neighbors plural. It's one busybody who calls up, and now he gets a bill and they're citing him. And building in safety says, you know what the violation is here? Mind you, this is a violation. This is a violation of the signage ordinance.

[David Alan Grier]

Right, but he's not advertising anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Mark Geragos]

This is the signage ordinance. Now, here's this one. I want to tell you my take on it, and then you can lay me out. My take is, first of all, it's art. It's First Amendment, it doesn't matter. Second of all, if somebody had just tagged his wall like that and he tried to get the city to come out and clean it up, they'd never do it. You couldn't get it. I've got a building downtown. I get tagged once a week. I can't ever get the city to come out and take care of it.

[David Alan Grier]

Well, there's no money in it for them. They have to fine you or.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, you know where the money is here. He's supposed to write a check for. Do you have it in your article? 327 bucks, and it goes to 1500 if he doesn't.

[David Alan Grier]

Here's a bigger point. Owning property, to me, used to feel like there was a reason why you owned something so that whether you wanted to grow a pot plant or have sex in a position that the government didn't approve of or draw some where the wild things are monsters on the outside of your retaining wall, that was pretty much your fucking business. Now, I do understand the part where that if you put a swastika on there or something that's offensive or something, or, you know, I don't like when people take an old sofa and put it at the end of their lawn. Because what you're doing is you're devaluing my property because now you're sort of desecrating your property. And the comps around me are going down. So if there's kind of a financial argument to be made, I understand that this doesn't fall under that. It really doesn't fall under that. This is free expression.

[Mark Geragos]

This probably raises the comps, wouldn't you think?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, it's certainly a nice story for the realtor other than, oh, the guy's son died because of auto erotic asphyxiation and this. Oh no, that thing's entry hall bathroom. Anyway, one of the bathrooms.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think they just want him out?

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean in one week's time I had to deal with animal control up there saying he hadn't paid for two of the dogs parking ordinance because he had too many cars parked on the curb. And then this nonsense. So you know, it's a cut and it's just a couple of busybody neighbors.

[David Alan Grier]

That's exactly what it is. Listen, Mark, I've said this a million times. I was just talking about this. I had these busybody neighbors and I've had them many times. They essentially use the LAPD like a stick to beat you with. They, they call, as I said, we.

[Mark Geragos]

Their music's too loud. Do you ever get that on New

[David Alan Grier]

year's Eve at 9 o' clock on a Saturday night, like New Year's Eve, backyard party. New Year's Eve. You've chosen to stay home on New Year's eve. It is three and a half hours literally. Because the cops rolled in at like 9:25. They must have been called at 8:30. It is literally three and a half hours before Dick Clark's gonna have that ball land on his head. And you're fucking calling. You should be out to dinner, catching a buzz with your old lady. But you're calling the cops. And I say to the cops who called? And they go, we can't tell you.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, right. It's like there's some cop complaint privilege. Last time I looked, there's a sixth amendment right to confront your accuser.

[David Alan Grier]

There's a good point. And here's the. And one of the reasons why the cops can't come to my house when the drunk driver hits the side of my house is because they're out doing chicken shit. They're doing the bidding for crazy people. And here's what I would like. And I don't think this is a slippery slope. It's this. If you call the cops and the cops show up and it's frivolous, I mean the cops showed up at Our party. And they walked in and they looked around and. And I said, I guess you want us to turn the stereo down. And he said, not if you don't want to. And he turned around and left. Because it was New Year's Eve, it wasn't too loud, and it was nine in the evening. So it's frivolous. In his mind, he made a judgment decision. Frivolous, okay, I want that person fined because essentially, use the LAPD to execute your frivolous.

[Mark Geragos]

If you get busted for a dui, you get taken to jail, you will get a bill from the CHP afterwards for what the cost of the services is. And they've got a formula and they bill you and if you don't pay, they'll report to your collections. Same thing.

[David Alan Grier]

But here's what I don't know. ACLU attorneys would say, well, now, let's say it's the same neighbor, but this time they hear screams. Bloody blood curdling screams coming from the neighbor house. But they're scared now that they're gonna get fined if they call the LAPD because they heard scream. They saw blood shoot up against the bay window. But now still remember last time they picked up, it cost them $375. Well, now they're not gonna report people do that. And I go, are you fucking stupid or retarded? We're not animals. We know the difference between Cool Nagang at 9:15 and the fucking screams of a woman being stabbed.

[Mark Geragos]

And blood squirting on the window.

[David Alan Grier]

And blood squirting on the window. But that's what they would do. They go, well, now you pass this. Now everyone's scared to pick up the phone now. Is that what you want? Is that the society? And I go, that's not the society we're gonna have. Right, I agree.

[Mark Geragos]

That's what I call the Parade of Horribles argument.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes.

[Mark Geragos]

Which makes. Yeah, you can always make that argument that if you wanna do something reasonable. And that is the case. I mean here. I mean, look, there's a quote probably in your story. I mean, the. I think this busybody neighbor is quoted

[Allison Rosen]

as, I'm scared of neighborhood busybodies like this. They've called animal control, they've sicced parking enforcement on him. And now they reach the heights of ridiculousness here. Shame on them.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah.

[David Alan Grier]

Is that you?

[Mark Geragos]

That's me. But there's another one where the guy says there's babies in the neighborhood. The babies are gonna be scared by this.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, yeah, Seriously, that's in the article, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Really?

[David Alan Grier]

Whenever you hear, they're literally frightened. A house converted into a home and your kids turn into children. That means blow hard trying to get. When you come into my home, in front of my children, you know they never say house and they never say kids. When you hear that, it's like in front of my children, in my home. But I don't feel safe. I like when the people don't feel safe. Well, that's up to you, neurotic bitch. You're making yourself feel unsafe. Have a shot of Mangria. You'll feel safe or you won't care,

[Mark Geragos]

or you won't care.

[David Alan Grier]

Either way you'll be safe.

[Mark Geragos]

That's forward slash Adam.

[David Alan Grier]

That's right. The thing is, it was guacamole, molec, mangrove and mistrial.

[Mark Geragos]

Get mistrial in there. The publisher is going to be mad.

[David Alan Grier]

Mistrial. That's right. Available on Amazon. If somebody go to amcrol.com if somebody wants to fuck with anyone, they can. And there is. I had. I'm such a great atheist. My old man who lived next to me used to call Department of Building and Safety all the time because our head hedge between our two homes was over the regulated six foot required by Department of Building and Safety. Now everyone else has 14 foot hedges and they like it that way. It means they can go topless in their backyard. But this guy wanted it cut off so that I could see his window. That was boarded up by the way. Crazy old man. My wife says, I think he's dead now. And I'm like, I'm such a great. I'm just a fucking Darwin atheist motherfucker. I'm like great, fantastic. And I hope he didn't procreate, let the hedge grow out. But this guy would call Department of Building and Safety over our six foot hedge and he would have hearings set, which thank God I never attended because it's like. But literally if you are home, you have time on your hands, you're busy body and you have no life. You can have a life by ruining other people's lives.

[Mark Geragos]

Yeah, it gives you something thing to do. It gives you something to focus on. It's you become a drama king.

[David Alan Grier]

The city when they don't hear a complaint, they hear crash register. So they hear the old calling up and they go, what's this going on? There's a hedge, it's, it's over. How tall is it? Eight feet. Oh, okay. There's a dog there too, huh?

[Mark Geragos]

Oh yeah. License that dog.

[David Alan Grier]

License. We come there. What's written on that? What's Mural. You call it a mural?

[Mark Geragos]

Do you have a parking. Oh, you park three cars, not five.

[David Alan Grier]

How long has he been. He's been parked in front of his house more than 72 hours. Does he move the vehicle is. There's wheels turned in toward the curb? Because if he's on more than a 4% grade, that's gonna. That's gonna be some more money. Brian, come on. Okay, that's. That's all. That's all it is for them. I mean, I had the same thing. I had a guy fucking parked in front of my house. Tell me, this friend of mine went to New York to go right? He parked his Miata in front of my house. He said, can I park my car in front of your Sherman Oaks house? Same house? This house had the street and then it had like the gravel sort of parkway that was in front of my. But it wasn't a sidewalk or anything. So we parked it there and I said, yeah, park it there. Go off to New York. Well, it got towed because it hadn't been moved in 72 hours. And then it's like. But it didn't get towed. Some neighbor called and said, hey, this car is always the case. And the city went, oh, hey, awesome. They didn't do what? There's a Miata that hasn't been driven in four days. Well, that's can't. I mean, in a. In a city where there's no crime, that could never happen. Brian. Thanks, buddy. All right. Was it a twice while you were

[Brian Bishop]

talking about the mia?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, that's the news.

[David Alan Grier]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosen. Tip it, cunt.

[David Alan Grier]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. We gotta start our own law firm.

[Mark Geragos]

Wouldn't that be fun?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, it would, because you'd have to explain them at some point that I had no formal education.

[Mark Geragos]

You know, in California, there's a little known statute that allows if you intern for me for 18 months, you can take the bar. Oh, so I'll just stop by once every six months, three times.

[David Alan Grier]

You got sign a little paperwork. Exactly.

[Mark Geragos]

And then you take the bar. Boom, you're done.

[David Alan Grier]

Tune me up for the bar a little bit. I don't know about the essay portion.

[Mark Geragos]

No, I think you'd be good in the essay. I think it's the multiple choice. That would be the. Because that's a problem.

[David Alan Grier]

Oh, really? I know multiple choice. I might get. I might get lucky. On what it.

[Mark Geragos]

Do you remember your SAT verbal score?

[David Alan Grier]

Well, here's part of the problem. I never took the SATs.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Mark Geragos]

How about the act?

[David Alan Grier]

Listen, it. Let me say. No, I didn't take any tasks. Come on.

[Mark Geragos]

I know you like playing the humble man of the people, but you're a very bright guy. You must have taken at least ACT, SAT or what, PSAT. Because you had to be in school in 8th grade.

[David Alan Grier]

182. ACT. Is that toothpaste? No. I went from high school to cleaning carpets to cleaning trash off construction sites. I never took the sat. Okay.

[Mark Geragos]

I went from high school to busboy to waiter to college. So, you know.

[David Alan Grier]

But there was an essay. I never went to college.

[Adam Carolla]

There was an sat.

[David Alan Grier]

I never went to college. That was part of the problem. So I didn't take the SATs. I don't know, it's sort of like if somebody bought you like Ab Flexor a week before you're going to prison and you're just kind of like, what do I need this for? Like, what good is this gonna do me? I'm going in the joint. No, I never. I never took. I took the psa. I never took math. I never took anything. Well, it was preordained. It's a Corolla tradition to get into, you know, dead end, sort of meaningless job.

[Mark Geragos]

Well, I don't know. That's dead end carpentry. You need a lot of math skills.

[David Alan Grier]

I developed a ton of math skills doing carpentry because it's a practical application and it forces you to do layout 1624 on center and do all that kind of, you know, all that eight foot sheets of plywood and how is that going to land on center when you're doing your diaphragming the roof and all that kind of degrees? Oh, hips and valleys and pitches and all sorts of stuff. Yeah, there's a lot.

[Mark Geragos]

There's a ton of math. More math than most people ever actually really know.

[David Alan Grier]

And you do it all day, every day when you're framing. For sure. Like, especially when you see some of those frames and there's like a turret going up to the top and, you know, each joist or each rafter has, you know, a 21 and a half degree cut on this side and then a 19 degree cut on the other. And whatever, it just keeps going and going. So it does force you to do it. But I don't really pay you well.

[Mark Geragos]

Waiting tables forces you to figure out 15%, 20%, 25%. So that was. And you do it quickly in your

[David Alan Grier]

head, who are the animals that do the 15% on the nothing check? You know what I'm talking about? The Person that goes in, they go, I have one poached egg and a cup of coffee. All right, that comes to 229 and you're like, what is 15? It's nothing. It's. That's 37 cents. That's what it is. Ass wipe. Give him a buck, right?

[Mark Geragos]

Hey, be a sport. Leave five bucks.

[David Alan Grier]

Leave five bucks and yeah, on a 2.37 and walk away. You had somebody happy. 19 refills. You drank a dairy's worth of cream. Leave five bucks and walk away. Look. Yeah, look like Frank Sinatra. What are these people?

[Mark Geragos]

Somebody's gonna write about you someday when you die.

[David Alan Grier]

I love that. Oh, they sleep like a baby at night because I. I gave 15% on nothing. Okay, you know what we need to do? We need to all go to meeting. Get the team together and go to

[Adam Carolla]

meeting and discuss this.

[David Alan Grier]

Yes, we need to discuss this. Tipping play. Get. Go to meeting. Go to meeting with HD Faces brought to you by Citrix. Easy to do. You get the team together. You do it online. You got to use this. Martin. Get the whole team together. Pull up whatever sheet you're looking at online and whatever you want on your code computer, you show it to them.

[Mark Geragos]

When you're actually could use that.

[David Alan Grier]

It does a thing when you're talking where it goes bling, bling, bling. Like, hey, everybody over here.

[Mark Geragos]

But wait, you can put the document up.

[David Alan Grier]

The document you can put up. So you can go. So here's what we're looking for. So I could have.

[Mark Geragos]

When I have a conference call with five other law firms, I can put the document up?

[David Alan Grier]

Absolutely. Get everyone on and start scrolling through what's on your computer. That's the amount of.

[Mark Geragos]

I actually could use it. How much

[David Alan Grier]

are you sitting down? I know you're Armenians. Like a deal. You can start hosting face to face online meetings today. 30 days free. It's a free trial.

[Mark Geragos]

It's got the word to the Armenians will do it for 30 days and then they'll give it back and say it doesn't work or it's used.

[David Alan Grier]

Not when it makes you money. Not when it saves you time. You can bill. I can bill for it.

[Mark Geragos]

It's free. Free to me. And I can bill out the next

[David Alan Grier]

client who uses it. You can bill for this 60 seconds that we're talking about it because that was you thinking about it before you signed up that new client. Go to meeting 30 days free. Thank you. Go to meeting.com. click on the try it free button. Use the promo code. Adam. Mark. This has been A little slice of heaven.

[Mark Geragos]

Adam, it was some fun. I'm only upset by one thing, that next time you bring Drew in, let me come in with Drew so I can do the three of us.

[David Alan Grier]

We'll do our podcast together and have you as a guest. Mistrial is the name of the book website. G E R A G O S dot com. Thank you so much. And Twitter the same. We will take ourselves a little extendo break. You guys should know that I'm gonna be at Napa Chinese doing a little mangria tasting after the race or at least qualifying and before the show with Drew this Saturday night. And speaking of me and Drew, we are up first three shows we did available on itunes. So go ahead and check that out. My beautiful wife Lynette doing a little mangria tasting in New York City this Wednesday. Oh, my God, it's exciting. May 15th from 7:00 clock to 9:00pm at Sons of Essex in New York. Did I get that right? Sons of Essex, New York City, May 15th. See how beautiful she is in person. Until next time, this is Adam Korolla for Mark Allison and Paul Bryan saying mahalo, Joy schtick. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Adam Kullo show 1077 with

[Mark Geragos]

Mark Gerrigos, Allison and Brian in studio along with Damochef.

[David Alan Grier]

That does it for Ace Pro Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune tomorrow for an old installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[David Alan Grier]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth isn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Mark Geragos]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow,

[David Alan Grier]

the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden

[Mark Geragos]

belief in extraterrestrial terrestrials.

[David Alan Grier]

No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay. Never. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[Mark Geragos]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow,

[David Alan Grier]

the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.