David Lee Roth + Sebastian Bach (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics): David Lee Roth + Sebastian Bach

Date: June 5, 2026
Host: Adam Carolla
Co-Hosts/Panelists: Allison Rosen, Bald Brian, David Wilde
Guests: David Lee Roth, Sebastian Bach

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Episode Overview

In this energetic, wide-ranging episode from the Carolla Classics vault, Adam Carolla sits down with two iconic rock frontmen: first, the legendary David Lee Roth (Van Halen), and later, the charismatic Sebastian Bach (Skid Row, Broadway). The discussions offer deep dives into their music careers, personal histories, radio experiences, and plenty of signature Carolla rants on radio, pop culture, and, naturally, bathroom etiquette.

The episode is a blend of outrageous humor, music insider anecdotes, and sharp commentary on media formats—illustrating what happens when outsized personalities collide both onstage and behind the mic.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. David Lee Roth Segment

Early Van Halen Days & Pasadena Roots

• Forming Van Halen: David dives into his upbringing in Pasadena, playing every local event ("proms, weddings, bar mitzvahs—even funerals") and learning to dance and perform in a "girl-friendly hard rock" style. ([05:00]-[08:47])
  • Quote: “We played everything from KC & The Sunshine Band to ZZ Top in the same night.” —David Lee Roth ([07:56])
• Musical Influences: Mixing urban funk and classic rock—integrating Motown and Rick James with hard rock roots.

Band Dynamics & Musical Evolution

• Songwriting: Carolla asks about the transition from covers to originals, Roth highlights the demands of constant gigging and learning from thousands of hours of music and film. ([16:40])
  • Quote: “If you’ve watched 10,000 movies and read 1,000 books... it’ll take you about 45 minutes to write a hit song.” —David Lee Roth ([17:08])
• Touring Tales: DIY road crew days—all in borrowed pickups, wearing surplus jumpsuits, setting up their own gear. ([19:35])

Radio & Taking Over for Howard Stern

• Radio Experiment: Both Adam and Dave took over time slots after Stern’s exit—Roth on the East Coast, Carolla on the West. Roth details his distaste for morning show rigid formats, preferring freewheeling, late-night-style content. ([38:04]–[57:34])
  • Quote: “I got fired for having too late night of a sense of humor. They said the sense of humor was very late night oriented.” —David Lee Roth ([41:19])
• Radio Format Rant: Carolla brilliantly mocks radio’s obsession with clocks, fake sports/weather/traffic breaks, and “protecting mediocrity” with excessive structure. ([44:05]–[46:56])
  • Quote: “Radio created a format as an apology for the lack of talent they put on the air.” —Adam Carolla ([43:12])

Family Background & Upbringing

• Childhood Reflections: Roth shares about his parents’ divorce, his father’s long road to becoming an eye surgeon, and how both parents lived to see Van Halen’s success. Influence of his Uncle Manny, a Greenwich Village club owner who supported artists like Bob Dylan.
  • Quote: “Mom is still with us—mostly… Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.” —David Lee Roth ([30:45]) (typical Roth humor)

The Infamous Van Halen Backstage "Brown M&Ms" Rider

• Contract Tricks: The M&M clause was genuine—a canary in the coal mine for deeper production safety compliance. ([33:52])
  • Quote: “If they missed the brown M&Ms, they probably missed a lot more that could have hurt somebody.” —David Lee Roth

Bandmate Dynamics

• Eddie Van Halen/Axl Rose: Carolla queries who’s crazier; Roth answers instantly, “Clearly, Axl.” Despite their differences, Roth says his competitive friction with Eddie is the band’s secret fuel for longevity. ([20:10], [36:58])

Life Without Kids

• Carolla and Roth reflect on childhood dysfunctions and why Roth never had children. Roth: "I'm a wanderer.” ([21:56]–[23:38])

Mocking Radio’s Absurdities

• The panel runs a rapid-fire parody of traffic, weather, and radio “clock” check-ins. ([60:39]–[65:06])
  • Quote: “There’s mattresses in lanes over there. Look out now. Slow and go!” —Adam Carolla (mock traffic) ([63:58])
  • David Lee Roth’s reaction: “You’re a little too good at this. There’s a point where it becomes art.” ([64:29])

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2. Sebastian Bach Segment

Broadway & Life After Skid Row

• Moving from Rock to Broadway: Bach shares the challenges and technique of performing in “Jekyll and Hyde,” “Jesus Christ Superstar,” and others—highlighting the brutal schedule and vocal demands. ([124:16])

  • Quote: “Singing eight shows a week is not for the faint-hearted.” —Sebastian Bach ([124:47])

• Rock vs. Theater Partying: Broadway’s cast parties just as hard—“after the show is BIG drinking wine”—but professionalism dominates pre-show.

Life on Tour, Sobriety, and Recovery

• Bach discusses struggles with sobriety, loss (his house in a flood), efforts at “making up” for party time after shows, and dips into his attempts at 12-step programs. ([143:07])
  • Quote: “I've never done a show fucked up. I save it for later, but I make up for it.” ([142:54])
• Dr. Drew is invoked as "vigilant sobriety enforcer”—joking that Bach has dodged his interventions.

Guns N’ Roses, Rock Legends, and Party Stories

• Friendship w/ Axl Rose: Sebastian describes Axl’s unique anti-fame personality—“I would pay VH1 $2 million to leave me the fuck alone.” ([133:41])

• Tour Memories: Hilarious tales of onstage craziness—firecrackers at the Cow Palace and the hazards of stage costumes (ear-nose chains). ([136:27]–[138:00])

Early Influences & First Radio Fame

• Bach’s first brush with radio: Winning a Boston album as a kid on local radio, sparking his ambition. ([139:41])
• Odd jobs, dangerous exes—Allison Rosen shares her brush with a neo-Nazi ex-boyfriend. The panel muses on gun culture and recognizing hate symbols by accident.

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3. Carolla’s Classic Rants, Bits, and Sidebars

• Radio Phone-In Trivia: The panel recalls calling radio stations growing up, and Adam rails against needlessly strict regulations (“giving away a mountain bike should NOT require a permit!”).
• On the Rainbow Flag: Hilarious analysis of flag "busyness" equating to ass-kicking potential and the symbolism of rainbows for children and gays. ([154:55])
• Pop Culture Tangents: Musings on Jeopardy's Alex Trebek, gay doppelgängers, TV theme songs, and “depressing sitcom families.” ([158:12])
• Absurd “Nicaraguan Name That Tune” Segment: Alan Parsons (the real one) tries to ID tunes sung by Ozzy Osbourne (impression)—confusion abounds.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• [06:13] DLR: “That’s where the Diamond Dave moniker comes from: I knew how to dance.”
• [17:08] DLR: “If you’ve watched 10,000 movies and read a thousand books...it’ll take you about 45 minutes to write a hit song.”
• [41:19] DLR: “I got fired for having too late night of a sense of humor.”
• [44:05] Adam Carolla: “Radio created a format as an apology for the lack of talent they put on the air.”
• [46:52] Adam: “Where are you in your journey where you’re more than four feet away from the time?”
• [64:29] DLR: “You’re a little too good. There’s a point where it becomes art.”
• [133:41] Sebastian Bach on Axl Rose: “I will pay VH1 $2 million to leave me the fuck alone.”
• [142:54] Bach: “I’ve never done a show fucked up. I save it till later.”
• [154:10] Allison Rosen: “I hope he comes back. He's hilarious. And he smells good.”
• [168:04] Carolla (on managing a festival): “We have Billy Joel, then Van Halen, then Sebastian Bach… oh wait, Buck Cherry’s going on when people are just finding their seats.”

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Memorable Moments

• Carolla & Roth’s radio banter marathon ([60:36]–[67:21]): A dizzying, hilarious parody of the worst excesses of FM radio, with Roth and Carolla riffing traffic, time checks, and fake contests.
• Sebastian Bach’s Broadway-to-rock transitions: Insights into the physical and emotional demands of “making it” as a legitimate theater singer after a hard-partying rock career.
• Axl Rose anecdote ([133:41]): Bach reveals Axl’s profound aversion to fame and reality TV by joking he’d pay VH1 to be left alone.
• Panel “Would You Rather” and awkward moments: The crew debates the horror of smelling a burp vs. a fart, and embarrassing tales of mistaken lyrics and radio call-ins.

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Flow & Tone

The conversation is pure Carolla territory: loose, irreverent, heavy on personal stories, and punctuated by rapid-fire jokes and mockery of cultural norms. Both Roth and Bach are big enough characters to go toe-to-toe with Adam, resulting in a freewheeling, sometimes chaotic, always entertaining ride.

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Conclusion

Why listen?
This episode is a masterclass in letting outsized personalities interact, a time capsule of music and media culture, and pure, unfiltered Carolla wit. You’ll hear truths about the music industry, radio’s limitations, and what really happens when you throw rock stars and comics into the same studio.

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Essential Segments by Timestamp

• [04:04]–[56:24]: David Lee Roth: Van Halen, radio struggles, band dynamics, parents and upbringing, format wars.
• [124:16]–[154:10]: Sebastian Bach: Broadway vs. rock, sobriety, Axl Rose, rock anecdotes, early influences.
• [60:36+, 154:10+]: Radio and pop culture parodies, panel banter, and Carolla’s classic rants.

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For longtime fans, it’s a hall-of-fame “hangout” episode; for newcomers, it’s a glimpse into why rock stars and comics make podcast magic together.

Transcript

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Welcome to Cruella Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to access the archives

[A]

of the ACS, the Adam and Dr.

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Drew show as well as the newer podcast Beat it Out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com sign up, subscribe and listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsadamcorla.com Note we can only play material from the Adam Carolla Show. We could probably play some Adam and Drew show as well, but they already do their Adam and Dr. Drew show classics so we don't really want to step on that. Nobody ever asked for anything from Ace in the House. I could probably pull from Ace in the House as well. Let me know in terms of Loveline and the Adam Carolla show that aired on kayla sex from 2006 to 2009. None of those clips can be played. I am remastering both of those shows. If you'd like more information, check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni now on to the clips. Coming up first today, it's Adam Carollo show 1027. This is all the way from back in 2013. David Lee Roth in studio A along with Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. Adam talking to David Lee Roth about taking over for Howard Stern in 2006. Adam Kroll got the west Coast. David Lee Roth got the east Coast. Another dude who got the Midwest, not Mankow. They kind of divided up all three territories, thinking they would need three people to cover in Howard Stern's absence. David Lee Roth is in the studio from the beginning of the show, and it's funny how the show's format changes based on his arrival, including Adam's closing drop. It's a funny thread throughout the episode about. About how the world bends around David Lee Roth as opposed to normal people. Hope you guys enjoy.

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And now, if you're in Los Angeles, today's the day to write him in for mayor. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Not to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the show and I'm excited because David May Lee Roth is in studio. Good to see you. David Lee.

[E]

Are you actually running for mayor? It's a good idea. You should at least have it if it's not a real idea.

[A]

I'm flattered, but no, I'm not dumb enough as I've always said. David Lee Roth. So much to talk to you about. Big Van Halen fan. I'm a big David Lee Roth fan. I know you started on the East Coast. When I started on the west coast taking over for Howard Stern, all I heard was kooky stories out of New York. I'm sure you drove everyone insane.

[E]

I was just saying to the gang here that, you know, I was in broadcasting for almost four and a half months now.

[A]

How did that, how did it go? I don't know where to begin with you. I don't know if I go back. I was hanging out with Dr. Drew two nights ago and he said, I went to a prom in Pasadena. Not my prom, but someone else's prom. And Van Halen was playing at that prom in Pasadena before David Lee Roth was in the band.

[E]

That might have been, but that was a short moment, actually. We played every prom, we played every wedding, every bar mitzvah, even funerals. We played all around the San Gabriel area like bicycle distance from where we are right now.

[A]

So how does it all start for you? You're a young lad, you're growing up in Pasadena. You guys met in Pasadena City College?

[E]

Oh, no, it's a good story.

[A]

Let's hear it.

[E]

I was part of the integrational busing program thing here and everybody thinks that happened in Alabama, but it didn't. It happened like walking distance from here. So I was going to John Muir High School and I was going to Elliot Junior High. It was all black and Spanish.

[A]

John Muir is in Burbank.

[E]

No, it's Pasadena. The whole thing is in Pasadena.

[A]

Muir. Muir out here. There's a lot of Muir things confused. So you get bused in from where?

[E]

Right down the street from Van Halen's, who were kind of attending kind of Ridgemont High. Think sort of Jessica, sort of. They were heavy metal and we were listening to Sly and the Family Stone meets Superfly.

[A]

So you're getting this sort of funk because you're getting into the urban scene before it was even called urban. And now these guys are playing rock. And how do you guys connect?

[E]

Well, originally the guys needed to get some jobs playing at the clubs, right. And you can't get that playing, you know, one side of Tommy you can't really get. You can't get that playing, you know, the live version of, you know, whatever, Give it Band. And the only stuff that we ever heard going to the youth club dance was again, know, it was probably Rick James or Motown or what have you. So I knew how to dance. That's where the Diamond Dave moniker comes from.

[A]

Right.

[E]

You know, I would go over to the, you know, Pasadena High School and I would have pants all the way up tomorrow and pitch here.

[A]

Yeah, like a Rerun. Like a skinny White rerun. Exactly the same as Rerun except for skinny white and now alive.

[E]

Yeah. And I had my two. But other than that same person, sparkling like diamond.

[A]

Uh huh. And so you're dancing and I gotta say, you know when you watch those old Van Halen videos and you see diamond dance, doing the jumps off the stage and kicking his legs up higher than his ears, it's pretty damn athletic and impressive.

[E]

It's combination of, I don't know, maybe Spider man, your favorite Kurosawa epics, some

[A]

Groucho when you hit the dance floor. So here you are. Now you hook up with the Van Halen. Now do you immediately understand that like Eddie Van Halen's kind of a virtuoso or do you think this guy's got it? This guy can play.

[E]

We were left with each other. When you finish up in high school, Are you kidding? It's doctor lawyers, Indian chiefs, or get out of the house. You got to get a real job. Which means, you know, at that point in time, it meant five 45 minute sets a night. That's what you play. 5:45, any beer bar, any. Any place that had a live band, which was everywhere, you know, and was.

[A]

It all covers.

[E]

You play about 200 other people's songs. And we played everything from Casey and the Sunshine Band, Get Down Tonight to ZZ Top and in the same Night and an indelicate house blend.

[A]

And did. Did you. Would you kind of play what you wanted to play or would you play what you thought they wanted you to play?

[E]

Well, you could play anything you want as long as it was about 100 to 125 beats a minute. Anything faster and you'll start spilling your drink. No, you try that and all the most famous Van Halen material you know about the fast you can go with it. You can really kind of dance to easily is about 130 beats a minute. Anything faster than that, you start to get a lot of spillage. And if you look through all of the famous Van Halen tunes, they're all about 100 to 130 beats a minute. And that's dance speed. That's girl friendly hard rock is what that is.

[A]

What's ain't talking about love?

[E]

What you mean, what kind of music is it?

[A]

Or what's the beat? What's the number?

[E]

I'm gonna say it's probably around 125, 130 beats a minute.

[A]

I think this is my favorite Van Halen song. I don't know. I don't know if it's a compliment or offensive to say this is a favorite song, but he. I don't know where it ranks for you after a point.

[E]

They're all a little bit like pizza, you know, if you go to the right place. It's all good. I'm not sure what this is tonight, but it's all good.

[A]

Let me throw you a name that Dr. Drew remembers from growing up in Pasadena and roughly the same time the Van and the Halens were making their tour there. Snotty Scotty and the Hankies.

[E]

Oh, sure, they used to play around the corner at the Loch Ness Monster Pub, whatever downtown in Pasadena, you know, used to have a red light district there at the turn of the century. And then at the elbow of the century at about the 70s, there was

[A]

quite a scene going down there, I can guarantee you. And I would love to have this recorded. And now every stupid, every stupid comment and, or landing and, or any event will be captured by somebody on a cell phone or microphone or something. But I can guarantee you there was a young Jack Silver, like a program director who was saying, yeah, there was at a certain point In Pasadena, about 1970, you know, 1976. Listen, Van Halen's fine. It's fine. They're cover band. Snotty Scotty and the Hankies. That's the future. Everyone knew Peeps. That's rock and roll. Put your money. If you're gonna put your money on a ban, go with Snotty Scotty.

[E]

There were radio stations who talked like that. That was an entire voter block who thought like that. Who would say that? It's not implausible.

[A]

No, it isn't. It's actually more plausible than not, because people are stupid. And as I always say, when people have bad taste, it's not having no taste, it's having bad taste. When someone's bad taste decorates your living room, they fuck it up. No taste means maybe they got a shot at something.

[E]

I want to argue on the side of bad taste. Arguably, Snotty Scotty and the Hankies had a better name for a band than Van Halen.

[A]

Well, that's true, but you guys were better. I don't know. There's still time for them to make a move, I think. But historically, and they're poised.

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[E]

I'm stirring things up here, but I'd like to make that argument. Please weigh in here.

[B]

Was Scotty's last name Booger, because that's how the photo was signed, I think.

[A]

Oh, it was.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That is what year we're looking at a picture.

[E]

It's probably armenian or something. 1980 baggermian or something.

[A]

Yeah. He also blues image played at one of Drew's proms. And Mike lynch is the only human being on.

[E]

Does everybody know what the Doo Dah Parade was? Because Scotty, Scotty and the Hankies were always up in the very front of the Doo Dah parade.

[A]

The Pasadena. Yeah. Where everyone went a little wacky.

[E]

Way wacky. Starting off in the early 70s, you know, a handful of hippies got together and said, well, if we have to sign permits and we have to be accepted by the Rose Commission, which is all white suits and neckties, we'll have our own parade. And it sort of caught on over the years.

[A]

I forgot the dude operated. It's basically the West Hollywood Gay parade for straight guys. Like it's a freak show for guys who don't chug tock or who may. But not this day.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Now every city has a Doo Dah parade. It's either the Mermaid Day in Tampa, Florida, the Pirate Day, I think.

[A]

Well, what you have to do, if you have something as buttoned down as the Rose Parade, it must give way. You know, if you're going to have preppy, you must have grunge, the one. That's what it is.

[E]

The one marching thing that I do remember is they had a moving volleyball game. And over the people's heads at the ends of those really long poles that you use for skimming big swimming pools, you know, they're Extra long poles were mechanical seagulls that were full of what looked like shaving cream or whipped cream. And he made them shit all over everybody as they were playing the wall. They would move down the street and make everybody see.

[A]

I would argue this is what makes this country great. This is why the terrorists hate us. Because somebody put in several hundred hours and several hundred dollars creating a stick that has a fake seagull that shits on people. You don't see that in war torn nations or trouble where they', you know, where there's ethnic cleansing and places where they're looking for clean water. No one has that kind of time to put into shit. Yeah, David Lee, by the way, the podcast.

[E]

I've seen something here already, please.

[A]

Well, if you have time to fuck around, it means you don't have as many problems as many nations do.

[B]

Yeah, it's really Gilly and Lily too, because it's not as if there's a shortage of birds who will shit everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, we have real birds that will happily shit on you and do video podcasts. The Roth show, available on iTunes and YouTube. So you guys. And by the way, the website. Davidleeroth.com and David, you're set for cash at this point. This is you just bringing it to your fans, right?

[E]

It's a labor of love. I like broadcasting.

[A]

I know.

[E]

Going all the way back to listening to Wolfman Jack on way too echoey, I guess. XCRB, the Spanish station, when I was maybe 9, 10 years old, early 60s, trying to imitate that. And I just never lost that taste. I wanted to be a disc jockey before. I wanted to sing and dance, actually.

[A]

So now you hook up with Van Halen and you're gonna start. You decide you better start playing your own music or writing some songs because covering songs ain't cutting it right.

[E]

Covering songs with the Van Halen Band.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Well, you know, it's like. I'm pretty sure most of the original band and the original audience for Beethoven's passed on to the never after we still go listen them play his greatest hit. So Van Halen will always have a future playing Da da da Da as if you string it out.

[A]

But you guys at a certain point want to start making original music.

[E]

Oh, certainly. And we were already, you know, in collision course about that. So we're already discussing.

[A]

And once it starts happening, how fast does it happen?

[E]

You know, Good question. If you. Somebody asked me once in a radio interview, so, Dave, how long does it take? He was making fun of how long does it really Take to write, you know, lyrics to write the melodies to a popular song. And I thought out loud, I said, well, if you've watched 10,000 movies and if you've read a thousand books and you've listened to a couple hundred thousand hours of radio, take you about 45

[A]

minutes, and that's when it's. Well, they always say it. They always say that's. That's how they do it. They do it on short plane rides

[E]

and ride on the back of. Fill your bucket up long before you get on that airplane. And then, sure, yeah, you can do it in about 20 minutes. Under the gun.

[A]

So now you start writing songs, you start getting some airplay. When does it. When. When does it break for Van Halen?

[E]

Van Halen happens like James Bond movies about once every three and a half summers, you know, Otherwise you show up too soon. And you know what the worst thing that you can hear is? Weren't you just here, Right? So, you know, they've done that with the third pirate movie. What was it, Johnny?

[A]

I don't even care anymore.

[E]

Exactly.

[A]

But I did care, but now I don't. And by the. It bothers me that they shoot them consecutively. Like we're going to shoot the next eight movies in a row. It feels. I don't know, I feel like I want to go. Let me, as a consumer decide if we need another one of these. And I don't want you thinking about the next one. Work on this one. It's sort of like if you're out on a date, don't be looking over the table at the next chick you're trying to bang. I mean, you're David Lee Roth. You can do that. But show the one who showed up and it's just ordered the dinner salad. A little respect. So the band. I want to know when the band, like, we talking about 78 now, 79.

[B]

When did Van Halen hit it big?

[A]

When did they hit it big?

[E]

I thought you were wondering. How old am I?

[A]

You're timeless. You're ageless.

[E]

58 is the new 80. Man, you got to see my X rays. Our first times making records. This is our 35th anniversary. Consequently, this is, you know, some of the passing through here is 1977 was our first record. And that comes on the heels of possibly the most important part of any man, anybody's act. And I see pictures of some of the gigs. What I'm presuming is some of the early shows out in front in the lobby here is the Golden Years, which for us was four and a half years of playing five 45 minute sets a night, and you played every kind of music that you could imagine. And we would go about as far as, I'd say, two and a half hours in any direction in the car. Otherwise you fall asleep on the way back, Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So.

[A]

Yeah. And by the way, that'd be the day the music died if the Van Halen van clipped.

[E]

Well, there was more than one van. We all had to borrow the pickup trucks and borrow the gear. And we had jumpsuits that we got at the surplus place because we were our own road crew. And we'd set up and then take the jumpsuits off and surprise everybody.

[A]

Now, how's Eddie Van Halen? He seems a little insane to me.

[E]

Well, all the best guys are.

[A]

Well, that's true, but they don't. I don't feel like they have to

[E]

be if there's a place in showbiz for everybody. But, you know, frankly, who do you think is nuttier?

[A]

Axl Rose or Eddie Van Halen?

[E]

Oh, clearly, Axel. Clearly.

[A]

Clearly.

[E]

Yes. Axl has found a whole new life. And I also have. I also have questions. When somebody's, you know, labels something and says, well, what is Guns N Roses, for example, Is that a handful of faces? If you say the Magnificent Seven, don't you need at least five of those in order to qualify? If you say it's Guns N Roses, well, I hear plural at the end of either one of those words there. That would suggest somebody with an S in the names.

[A]

Well, but it is a thing.

[E]

So I'm going to raise the question.

[A]

It's a franchise ends up. These bands end up becoming like Menudo in a certain way. Like, if you go down to Laughlin, Nevada, you can probably see the Coasters performing. And there are a bunch of guys in their 30s. Now, Charlie Brown was a hit in 1956, so there's no way there's any original Coasters left. We give black guys a cultural pass with it because we're sort of like, I don't know, that's the nephew of one of the original coasters. And, like, good enough and sounds pretty good to me. But some of these bands, they're trying to pass themselves off as the band when there's maybe one guy.

[E]

So it's like a West side Story where it doesn't matter as long as the production is really. They really mean it.

[A]

I don't think so. I think people would like to see Van Halen. I think they'd like the original lineup. And I think they'd like to see the original lineup of Guns N Roses and a million other bands. I mean, even Led Zeppelin or whoever get back together. So you are. You know, it's kind of weird when you have a son who can drum like Fortune. Yeah, yeah, Bonham gets in there, but. So you have kids, by the way.

[E]

I don't.

[A]

What's up?

[E]

What's up is travel. What's up is a whole lot of issues. Well, how's your side?

[A]

Yeah, well. What do you mean? You just thought, I don't want to have kids because I have issues?

[E]

Nah, it's just coming from my background, which was pretty colorful and dysfunctional in my own family.

[A]

All right, but wait a minute, wait a second. I gotta break this down. The having a shitty background thing. I have a shitty background, but I wanted kids so I could sort of. Not to correct it, so to speak, but I wanted to get my shit together.

[B]

You wanted to pass on the dysfunction

[A]

I wanted to pass on? Well, yeah, yeah, just sort of rub it on through a meticulous dry humping, but non sexual dry humping process. No, I wanted like spare ribs. Like a dry rub? Yeah, it was a dry rub. Yeah, it wasn't a Kansas City style.

[D]

No, no, you don't want a dry rub.

[A]

So what I wanted to do was kind of get my shit together and then have kids. And then I took my son to be six to basketball practice today and I was like watching him and he was going for a little water break because they have to hydrate every 15 steps now. They literally have to get a fucking IV with puss juice in it every fucking four feet. Now they have to stop and hydrate. Like they can't even bring the upcourt anymore. They have to stop and hydrate.

[C]

Plus he was on the bench the whole time.

[A]

He was hydrating on the bench. But I leaned over and I said, do it again. He just went. He just gave me like a little kiss. I wasn't even looking for a kiss, but I thought, I love the fact that this kid hugs and he kisses and he's gonna be everything I wasn't and I'll be everything my dad wasn't.

[E]

Did it turn out okay for you? Did it turn out the happily ever after?

[A]

So far so good. I blew you a kiss. How bad is the regular Kevin Garnett out there?

[C]

The intimidator?

[E]

Sounds like you wanted kids from the very beginning.

[A]

No, I didn't want. I never thought of myself. My. Oh, there's my kid, by the way. And me. My parents Were such bummers and treated kids like everything with my parents was like this, you know, hey mom, can I get a ride to Van Nuys, play with my buddy Teddy? You know, everything was just, ah, God damn

[E]

60s television.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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Truckers.

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[C]

Potential savings will vary

[A]

wherever you go,

[C]

whatever they get into, from chill time to everyday adventures.

[A]

Protect your dog from parasites with Cridellio Quattro. For full safety information, side effects and warnings, visit cordelioquatrolabel.com consult your vet or call 1-888-545-5973. Ask your vet for Cordelio Cuatro and visit quattro dog.com quarter for the ice cream. It's like, it was such a pain. I thought kids are such a pain in the ass. All they do is bug you for money and you don't go watch your football game. So, like, fuck it, I never wanted kids. And then later on I got a little therapy and. And I did.

[E]

How much therapy did it take to get you turned around?

[A]

Just enough to fill the Grand Canyon twice.

[B]

Are you looking for like an hour amount or a dollar amount?

[E]

Sounds like a little bit of effort there.

[B]

No?

[E]

You say you look like you're really happy.

[A]

Well, you know what? It's not really even about being really happy. It's just about it is what it is. I'm a dad. I'm not the best. I'm not the worst. You know what I mean?

[E]

I'm a wanderer.

[A]

And how did you grow up? How were you. How were your parents growing up?

[E]

My parents were at each other's throats long before we. Even before the kids Happened.

[A]

Was there alcohol?

[E]

No. My father was just starting off in school, just going off to college and surprised my mom with that. She thought she was going to marry an optometrist. And he decided he was going to be a surgeon, which meant about 13 years of nobody at home. And, you know, she had had major issues with that right away.

[A]

Now, were you guys born yet?

[E]

No.

[A]

Where's he at? In his Indiana and he's almost rural. He's about how old when you're born?

[E]

I think they're about 25 years old, which is not too old.

[A]

Right. So he's gonna need a little more schooling before he becomes a surgeon.

[E]

When you're born, he was about 13 years. You know, pop was never at home. And we moved around the country doing schools.

[A]

What kind of surgeon was he?

[E]

Eye surgeon.

[A]

And notice it's I. It's not us. He's an eye me. Eye surgeon.

[B]

There's no team in eye surgeon.

[A]

That's right. I've said it many times. The Jewish female. Vince Lombardi, as she's known. Allison Rosen. So your dad puts the eye in eye surgeon.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

And he's taking care of himself. And how's he treating the family? And he's making okay money. Right.

[E]

There's no money until you get to about 13 years old in that you're living in student apartments.

[A]

But once he's working for you, for you growing up, you're doing all right. Right.

[E]

Once we hit about 12, 13 years old, then we got a television set with color and then we got a

[A]

car and we came out to California and Parents divorce. What happens?

[E]

Parents got a divorce right around high school time. But, you know, it was a big build up then. There was a lot going on. It was the 60s, so you had the hippies converging along the counterculture and, you know, you had a family coming out of the Midwest, which was super right wing.

[A]

And how did your dad. How. First off, when did he pass away? How much Van Halen did he get to see?

[E]

Oh, he saw a whole lot of it. You know, we used to practice in his basement for Jesus, say, four or five years. We worked our way through the clubs

[A]

and he was around all the way through the, you know, platinum albums, multi platinum and world tours and all that stuff.

[E]

I think it rein generated him, reinvigorated him.

[A]

Did he give it up? I mean, did he say, hey man, I'm proud of you and you're selling out arenas? This is unbelievable.

[E]

Oh, yeah. You know, he was also a competitive guy. You know, he said I'm. I'm inspired by watching you get out and do things. So he started, you know, he went and got his black belt when he was about 58 years old. He started traveling a whole lot more, you know, contributing his time. Doctors Without Borders and really, that kind of a thing.

[A]

Started a band. Snotty Scotty and the Corneas, something like that. Coming full circle. So your dad sounds like a pretty cool dude to me, but you don't, in a way. I'm not getting that vibe from you.

[E]

Hop and I got along. It's just there was not a whole lot of contact with the family early on, you know?

[A]

All right.

[E]

You know, until you.

[A]

But he wasn't putting cigarettes out on your ass or anything, right?

[E]

No.

[A]

He's wearing chaps from the very beginning, so there's a lot of room there. So this doesn't feel like enough stuff to not have a family.

[B]

Well, find out about his mom.

[A]

How about mom? What's going on, David Lee Brown?

[E]

Mom was. She was a little bit more upscale. You know, she came from. Her dad was a doctor as well and came out of Chicago. And she was art teacher, she was language teacher, high school level, kind of whatever. She was kind of the belle of the ball, you know, the valedictorian. Pop drove a taxi in New Castle, Bloomington, Indiana, so.

[A]

So you.

[E]

There was a little bit of a neighborhood division there early.

[A]

Not the typical rock and roll background, but your. Your dad. So mom lives for how long? Or she's still with us.

[E]

Mom is still with us mostly.

[A]

Mostly Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. And dad passes on when Pop passed

[E]

away about, I'm gonna say, seven, eight

[A]

years ago, so they get to see the full. Just pretty much the full ride. I always ask because when people have major achievements, they have platinum records or they win Oscars or Super Bowls or something like that, when I hear that their parent dad passed away three years earlier when they were senior in high school or something, that I always feel horrible because I'm like, it would have been nice to see your son hoist a Lombardi trophy while you're on this planet. But they got to see you hoist quite a few trophies.

[E]

Well, this is part of every sports movie, too. You know, it's whether the Glenn Miller story where the father jumps up and goes, 14 minutes, a very important piece, or the father, you know, at the end of the football movie who, you know, rises up, resolve. There's my son, who really does, or whatever at the end.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And my pop was in attendance to it, so was my Mom.

[A]

And did it ever disapprove of anything?

[E]

It wasn't it. That's an interesting question as well, in that my Uncle Manny, who's kind of the patron of the family, he's still with us. He's 93, had a club, the Cafe WA, Greenwich Village. It was a lot of Manny's money, as I understand it, that was in support of the brothers when they were going to school. And it was Manny who gave Bob Dylan his first job. And he did, you know, the Kingston Trio and Woody Allen and Joan Rivers and everything for him in the early 60s.

[A]

Sure.

[E]

So taking them, taking a left turn, when you're going to Black Sheep it a little bit. If you're not going to follow the academic in the Roth family, if you're not going to become medical or legal or whatever, then, you know. Well, we've seen it done before. Manny had done it successfully, and he did it to a degree where he was a little bit part of history as well.

[A]

So was he cool with you guys playing stadiums, or did he want to. Want you to keep it real and play, you know, the nightclub?

[E]

I think. Are you saying Uncle Manny?

[A]

Uncle Manny.

[E]

Manny loves it both ways. Manny is transfixed by the big show. You know, that's something that's relatively new to him. I don't know. At what age do most people stop going to shows?

[A]

Oh, can we. Oh, speaking of shows, the writer, because I brought this up and then people correct me, and then people bring it up, and I love it because what happens is you put together a rider. In my case, it's fairly modest, but all you ask for me is, like a Miller Lite and a cup of coffee. And it's like when the fucking cup of coffee isn't there and you've been traveling all day and you get to the show and you just want that cup of coffee and it's not there, and the person acts surprised by it. I can't stand it. But you guys had a writer, and I think I heard you describe it with the M&Ms, which is because all the pyrotechnics and because of all the rigging and staging, literally, people could be crushed that you would throw that in there, that if they fucked that up, you know, they must have missed something else that could have hurt somebody. Is that. I'm paraphrasing it.

[E]

No, that's completely accurate. Is that the amount of gear that we had was perilous. If you rushed through it, which a lot of promoters did, and a whole lot of, you know, Agents and management would just kind of brush it under the rug really quick, hoping that no Brown M&Ms, you know, hoping that everything got done quickly, whatever. And we always knew we were going to be sued. The band are the ones who are going to have to show up at the deposition with the clip on tie. So just as a matter of, you know, incentive, I planted it in the middle of the of the contract writer that there would be no brown MMs, or that they would sacrifice, you know, the show at full expense or that I would have the right to trash the place or, you know, whatever it said, variously.

[B]

Was it your idea? And like, how did you think of that as a good way to make sure that they were reading the whole thing?

[E]

Oh, deceptive trickery, parrots, betrayal, treasonous thinking amongst pirates.

[A]

You know, one large tube of KY jelly.

[E]

And a lot of this was designed to survive the test of history and cause questions. It becomes art when you question. So, look, they used to drink Perrier. That's not a question.

[A]

I'm going to give a little love. I have a question I have to answer. It is go to meeting, baby. GoToMeeting with HD faces, brought to you by Citrix. A powerfully simple way to meet and collaborate on air, share documents, spreadsheets, collaborate in HD video, launch, host and attend meetings from any Mac, PC, iPhone, iPad, or other tablet. What a time we're living in. Start hosting. And by the way, this would be on the Van Halen rider that they have a connection to. GoToMeeting. GoToMeeting. You can try it free. Free. 30 days free. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. So Axl Rose is much nuttier than

[E]

the way you would express that last thought is you go, bro. You gotta go to a meeting. See, the inflection changes everything.

[A]

So Eddie is saner than Axel.

[E]

Considerably. Yeah, Eddie is full blast lucid. And we're playing. We're on our way to Australia, I think in about a month we have a show there.

[A]

And how are you guys doing? You getting along well?

[E]

Okay, well, define doing well.

[A]

I talk to Michael Anthony a lot, and he's just the most laid back dude in the world. Am I right?

[E]

Yeah. I'm listening.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, oh, he's not.

[E]

No, no, no.

[A]

He is.

[E]

He is very laid back.

[A]

He seems very laid back.

[E]

Yes, yes.

[A]

And like, you know, guy like, God forbid, Sammy Hagar seems pretty laid back to me. But you seem like you got a motor and Eddie seems like he has a motor. And when you get into the same room now, you got two motors in a room. I'm not saying which motor is right and which motor's wrong, but I'm saying you both have motors. Is there motors butt up against each other?

[E]

Oh, constantly. All those sparks and all that noise and all that is why the band's still competitive. It's not an exhibition. It's still a competitive issue in terms of, okay, let's go out, be the best. Let's go out and just play better than everybody. Let's go out and be better than each other in the band. It's endless. Right. And, you know, here we are, we're still touring, still touring successfully. Yeah. You know, what's the average career these days? 3 and a half years. Ouch.

[A]

I was thinking. I was thinking just earlier today, I thought, well, it's kind of David Lee Ross Band, but the band is physically named after the other guy, which is unusual.

[E]

That was my idea.

[A]

That was your idea?

[E]

Yeah. I thought, you know, something like Santana. A lot of people don't even know there is a Santana in the band or didn't early on.

[A]

Sure.

[E]

And I thought, you know, well, Van Halen sounds kind of, you know, could be something from Storybook, could be something from a Disney movie or whatever. It sounds like a Sea Captain or something.

[A]

Roth would work. It was an ira, but either way,

[E]

it doesn't have that.

[A]

So what? What? So what went on with the radio? And how'd the whole radio thing come about? Because we both have a story involving taking over for Howard Stern.

[E]

I started off volunteering for the mornings and doing, like, arrow 103 or whatever.

[A]

Out here.

[E]

Yes. And taking, like, late night shifts. And just because I like spinning records and, you know, talking.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Like being a dj. And I kind of knew that Howard at some point was either going to retire or he was going to expand into something. I don't know. My guts were talking. I don't know what, you know, maybe satellite, maybe Internet. Who knew, right. That X amount years back, things happened quick. Who knew what was really coming around the corner? And I was right. And after doing a handful of, you know, tests and let me see how I really like getting up first thing in the morning. Let me see how I really like interviewing guests on a regular basis, etc. And when the show came around, the gig came around, I had a few stipulations, and, you know, I said, guys, I really don't want to just come back to the exact same studio over and over. There's no reason to do that. You know, if you're, if you're guys and is willing to travel, is willing to set up in different cities and different places, which I am, then that's a way of life. For me. To come to a final conclusion and just kind of just be in one place over and over again was a huge hurt.

[A]

So you, you had to move out to New York or you were living in New York.

[E]

I was living in New York.

[A]

And what time you remember what time you got up?

[E]

Oh sure. You got to wake up like at 4:30 in the morning.

[B]

I would kill myself.

[E]

You gotta wake up at five in the morning, you know, and you go off to work dutifully.

[A]

It's the exact opposite of rock and roll.

[E]

Oh my God. And it's probably my respect for everybody in this end of the industry who, who does make those kinds of crazy schedules. It's also like off the map at this point.

[A]

It's also the wrong time for comedy. Like I tell people all the time, brisket is good, you know, cognac is good, cigars are good. But at five in the morning, I mean, unless you've been up all night and even then nobody, I mean, look, everyone loves scotch and they love brisket, but when you get up in the morning, if someone says you want some brisket and scotch and a Cuban cigar, you'd be like, no, I want mush, you know, I want brown sugar. I want something that smells like maple. It's early.

[E]

I'm 100% with that.

[A]

And that's why all comedy clubs, there's no noon shows, there's no morning shows, there's no 10am they're all nighttime. It's like jazz. So physically doing comedy while the sun is coming up is just a weird sort of antibody clock procedure. You're putting a pipe cleaner up your comic urethra.

[E]

It's a toughie. And how do you be dependably if you've got somehow you've obtained the mantle that you're somehow wild and crazy or freewheeling, how do you maintain that?

[A]

So how does it go for you when you begin?

[E]

What's the first week like? Let me just. We'll start from the end zone here. I'll start like a Tarantino movie. Let's start with the end zone. I got fired for having too late night of a sense of humor. They admitted that I was funny, but that my sense of humor was very late night oriented.

[A]

I mean, vulgar.

[E]

No, it wasn't so much that it was, you know, Instead of a snare drum and a high, you know, it

[A]

didn't have that morning show pace.

[B]

It was brisket.

[E]

Yes. It was a lot closer to what we were doing here. It's, you know, the subject matter was freewheeling. Right. And I played way too much ethnic music in the background. I had made loops of Bob Marley and I had made, you know, intros of songs, the loops of Superfly, you know, Freddy's Dead. And this kind of played that while we were talking, like we are right now.

[A]

Yeah. Uplifting children's song. If people don't know.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

From Super Flyer.

[E]

Well, whatever neighborhood you're from, you're hearing some little element of whatever. It's all little upbeat. And even if you don't understand English, because we were on the Internet at the time then, hey, you got a good groove going. It's like listening to something in Japanese. I don't understand that, but it's hilarious, right?

[A]

Well, if some Van Halen was playing behind the guys. But so you're doing your own thing and they're probably telling you, here's how it goes. You got a clock in radio, you want to follow the clock. You want to keep these interviews limited to four to six minutes. Keep it moving, keep. I found. Here's basically my take on radio. Radio is a format that is built around an apology for the lack of talent that they put on the air. No, no, I mean it. I mean, it's basically when you see a chick in a porn wearing a corset and her boobs are hanging out, it means she has a fat ass. She's highlighting what she has. But when you see that thing around the gut, it means there's some stretch marks and a C section scar there. And what radio does is radio doesn't have world class comedy talent on the air. It's few and far between. It shows up every, you know, once in a blue moon, but not very often. So they build a format. And that format is front cell, front, load, back, sell, give the timeout, give the weather out, give the traffic out. Move it, move it, move it. Because the second you stop. And again, back to my chick thing. But it's like, remember back in the 80s when they'd be making music videos and there'd be some chick who was the lead of a band who had a cute face but kind of a big ass and they keep the camera moving all the time. Like you'd never get that one locked off shot.

[E]

They do that in videos?

[A]

Yeah, they always did it. They like it. Never was a locked off shot. Because. Because if you ever got that one well lit locked off shot, you'd see Belinda Carlisle's big ass, you know, so they show whatever their good part is or their cleavage in the face and they keep it moving.

[B]

That was my whole MySpace profile radio.

[A]

It's almost like I can hear the Heart song as we speak. But the point.

[E]

The point is, is you actually had video that was shot like this of yourself. I like that.

[A]

No, David Alan Greer called her not that fat the other day, by the way.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

Good start. Base hit.

[A]

So radio has a format, and they created a format to protect the lack of talent that they hire to put in that seat. Now what happens if you do have that talent? It doesn't matter. You go into the format. So it's as if you have a radio batting coach that says, choke up on the bat. Just punch the ball and see if you can leg out a single. That's the way we do it here. And you go, I got power. I'll go into the cheap seats with this shit. And they go, shh, shh. You don't understand how we deal with things here. Choke up, poke at the ball and start running.

[E]

I've never heard anybody put it so perfectly.

[A]

And you go, hey, man, I'll hit the fucking stadium. You don't understand. I got Bo Jackson power here. And they go, choke up and poke at the ball. That's how we do it.

[E]

Yes, exactly.

[C]

Here's the sign for bunt.

[A]

That's right. Just so you know, that's all you need to know. And leg it out and hopefully we can get a single and nobody's gonna get fired.

[E]

They were so upset with me when I said, I don't think I really want to have a sports block. I'll tell you guys, I'm interested in sports when there's human interest stuff, you know, when the. When the ball player almost shoots himself because he took a gun into the club. And then, sure, Wes, welcome. Then I'll. Then let's talk about that story endlessly, etc.

[A]

But Dave, baby. Dave, baby. Dave, baby. We need a sports block. It's weather, news, news, news, news, weather, weather, sports and then sports block.

[E]

We need to have a traffic lady who's. Help me.

[A]

She'll throw it to the sports block and then they'll kick it back to her for more traffic. And then it'll be more weather and then news, weather, and we'll have the sports block. And by the way, when you give the timeout, give it out Three times.

[E]

And don't forget to promote, promote, promote.

[A]

We got a back sell and then you got a front load. Yeah. And then at a certain point, the whole thing just becomes what happened? What's going to happen, what may happen, what the temperature is. And I love it when they go like it's 8:14. That's 46 away from the top of the hour. That's 14 minutes after the hour. Like, how many different fucking ways you gotta break up? 8 14.

[E]

I've never heard anybody declare it as accurately as you're describing.

[A]

Well, not only that, but in a time where every single car manufactured in the last 15 years has a digital clock in it, where are you going to be on your journey listening to morning radio, where you will be more than four feet away from something that has the time on it. You will wake up in the morning, that will be your clock alarm, that'll have a clock. It's got the word clock right in it. And then you'll walk into the kitchen, you'll see your microwave that'll have the time in it. You'll probably have your cell phone on you that'll have the time on it. You'll climb into your car that has a stereo that of a clock or a time. Why do you have to keep handing out the time, as I say, all the time? Speaking of time banks, 20 years ago stopped doing the digital clock with the time and the temp in front of their sign out on Ventura Boulevard because they realize every car that's passing by has the time and has a temp. Radio still does it because it's a format that is about killing time they want to get rid of. Basically they go, look, we have four hours every single morning. How can we parcel it out in such a way where you won't find out that the person who's in charge has no talent? So they just go, all right, weather, time, traffic and sports block. We'll do it. We'll break it all up. And before you know it, out of the four hours, it'll be 45 seconds of David Lee Roth expressing an opinion. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

[E]

And what's the opinion about? What's it going to be? It's going to be about the latest love affair that you saw coming on your. On your bullet notes, right. Coming from the news.

[A]

So you didn't want to do that?

[E]

I wanted to broadcast.

[A]

I'm glad you were there, though, because

[E]

I loved doing the gig for X amount of minutes each day. When we would finally get some tempo, we would finally catch A stride on some subject or whatnot. And we'd catch it for a few minutes. And that was like, you know, would rationalize it that, okay, this is all you get when you're doing this kind of a thing. Because it was a surprise to me that what you describe is so accurate, it's 100%.

[A]

Well, who in radio have you really met in radio? With the exception of just a couple of names, where he went, that fucking guy's funny. Like, it's. They're funny guys out there, but they move on, move up, move over, whatever. Sitcoms, concerts, whatever they're doing comedy albums, hbo, you know, specials. And by the way, the funnier you are, the less you want to get up at 4:45 every morning, you want

[E]

to broker the laughs, the farther away from the breakfast shift you can build yourself.

[A]

Yeah. When you're a supernova of comedy, getting up at 4:45, five days a week sounds like ass to you?

[E]

No, it's the opposite of why we got jobs in show business. Business. It's like going to work at a refinery or going to work at some

[A]

small legal firm and doing the same thing every single morning. But let me ask you this, and maybe you don't know the answer to this. I'm guessing you have FU money. And as I said, more than FU money. F me money. Not me, meaning I will fuck myself over just to see you fucking burn. Like that one where you go, we could settle out of court for 500 grand, but I'm gonna spend 10 million just to fuck with you.

[E]

Okay, a little short of that.

[A]

All right? But that's.

[B]

Now, what's in between FU and F

[A]

me, That's F us money. But F me is more than FU money. But if you.

[E]

You have F you money, I'm at, fuck this money. Let's go get a drink.

[A]

That's my point. Now, let's just say David Lee Roth didn't have fuck this money, all right? And you kind of had to listen to the man. You think you would have sucked it up and done the thing that a lot of people do. Because I remember the great Jimmy Kimmel was in this position. You know, he was fired from many morning radio shows. And there's a point when he kind of told me, just pretend like you're listening for another six months. And eventually I knew that if I just nodded my head and went, that's right, boss, that I could break away and go do my own thing. Like, eventually I would build my army up to the point where they couldn't stop me. But for now, if I told them to fuck off, I was gonna get kicked off the air before I could build that army. If it was a younger David Lee Roth who didn't have the f. US Money or the let's get a drink money, do you think you would have went, all right, boss, we'll do the sports block and be thinking yourself the whole time. We're not going to be doing this a year from now.

[E]

You know, I probably would have not. I would not have pursued it and followed them, because it was a thought that I had many times. Should I knuckle under? Should I continue in the fashion that they want me to continue, or should I start thinking in terms of pursuing something else? Live, you know, getting. Playing Europe in a lot of places that I wasn't playing.

[A]

I was happy to have you on the air because I was. When I started off, I would have been, like, a D student, but you would have been my older brother who was in juvie. And every time they went to me and went, hey, man, this ain't working, I go, really? How about Kurt over there in juvie? And our parents went, well, that's true. I guess we're lucky to. Well, we're not happy about this.

[E]

I'm going to teach you how to light that.

[A]

Yeah, but as long as we had older brother Kurt in juvie, because they were like, oh, my God, David Lee Roth is telling everyone to fuck off over there. He's going insane. Somebody at a certain point told me you wanted a window in your studio, but you're on the, you know, 35th floor, and you couldn't. They couldn't physically bust a window in

[E]

a place we had gone from. Guys, I will pay for to put in an is. Whatever line into a hotel room. And when I am prepared to wake up at one in the morning or five in the morning or whatever, so we can broadcast. We'll get a suite in Las Vegas. We'll go to Atlantic City, we'll go to, you know, where the boat races.

[A]

They gotta keep an eye on you.

[E]

Well, this is ultimately what it came around to. And I, you know, I kept saying, is there no way that we can open a little window here? There's little frames here. I'll pay for a.

[A]

You did want a window.

[E]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

That's Kurt and juvie trading cigarettes right now.

[E]

Almost is what that was like. It was. It was a constant battle and outrageous demands.

[A]

Reminds me of the peanut butter. Yeah. You know, I wanted peanut butter, by the way, and the program director Threw fish.

[E]

You wanted peanut butter. Well, share with me, please.

[A]

Sustenance, a little protein in the morning, especially if you're out gigging the night before doing something the night before. I found that having just a tub of peanut butter in the community fridge was kind of nice. Sometimes guests came in and wanted a little something. Sometimes I just wanted a spoon, of course, something that had a little protein in it. It's a four hour shift, sometimes you had a long night, whatever, and so

[E]

you want some protein.

[A]

Step into Jack Man's office. Jack Silver announced to my agent, James Baby Doll Dixon, who's Jimmy Kimmel's agent, Jon Stewart's agent, Stephen.

[E]

It sounds like gamblers.

[A]

Well, I remember I said to him,

[E]

I said to him very clearly, james, Baby Doll.

[A]

I said, baby Doll, be prepared for radio. He said, I can handle it. I said, no, no, no, no, you're used to tv. You're used to me on TV and Jimmy and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and a bunch of guys like that. This ain't tv, this is radio. You gotta understand. And one day I talked to him and he's like, I got an angry call from Jack Silver, the program director. And I said, what was he pissed about? He said, there's no goddamn way he's paying for that peanut butter.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And I thought, it's $4 a week for a tub of peanut butter. And it's like he fucking drew the line in the sand. And Dixon comes from a place where they send net jets and they have full buffets and riders and stuff like that. Jack said, fuck off to a thing of Jif creamy peanut butter.

[E]

Oh, it may be $4 a week,

[A]

but how much is that a month? That's right. No, I'm really wondering how much is that a month? I don't know. So radio is fucking brutal.

[E]

But, but there's no really brutal.

[A]

There's no place for guys like you and radio because clearly you're doing what you want to do and they have a format they need you to do. And they should have known that from the get go that that wasn't going to work.

[E]

Well, they should have leveled with me. They should have leveled with me that they were not going to change any of that structure. And I think you've described that structure the most accurately that I've ever heard because otherwise it sounds like, ah, I don't, I didn't like radio. Well, they were too pushy or, well, they made me do things. And that's usually what you hear. You don't hear it described as aptly as you just put it there.

[A]

Well, as I say, the structure was developed to protect people without a voice who literally had to talk for four hours a morning. That's a pretty tall order when you're not putting together a bunch of super clever thoughts. So it was created to protect, like, it's basically. It's one of these, you know, it's one of these rules where it's like, no parking from 10 to noon because of the street sweeper. And then you see the wet tracks of the street Sweeper, and it's 11:15. So you park your car in there and you get a ticket, and you start arguing with the guy, and he says, no parking between 10 and noon. And you go, yes, for the street sweeper. And he keeps saying, between 10 and noon. And you keep saying, for the street sweeper.

[E]

This is not the way we do it.

[A]

They put this format together to protect people. If you step outside of the format, you're fucking with the format. All they know is the format, and all they know. And they were born and raised and suckled at the teat of the format. And if you step outside the format, then you are, in essence, a troublemaker.

[E]

The format, though, was taking a beating. As we were speaking, you know, as we were getting started there. The whole idea of what is the format? That was the question. Is it radio? Is it satellite, Is it Internet?

[A]

Stern, the guy.

[E]

Why does it even meet on it?

[A]

The most famous, richest guy on the planet is the guy who broke the format.

[E]

Yes. And that would have caused everybody else to think. I would have thought.

[A]

But in which case, you then go, well, you're no Howard Stern. Well, Howard Stern was no Howard Stern. At some point when they were trying to get him back into the format.

[E]

That's half of his movie. If you see his movie, then the first half of it is exactly that. Somebody telling him exactly how to make the call. Signs of wnbc, whatever.

[A]

David Lee Roth, by the way, stepped out of the format. The Roth show is available on iTunes and YouTube as well. Dollar Shave Club. Love these guys. Use them today. Use their razors every day. You're busy. Bind razors. Pain in the ass. And out here, you gotta blow some old guy with a key ring to open up the shark cage. That has the notion that we live in a society where the spray paint and the razor cartridges are kept in a shark cage is so sad.

[E]

Is this actually a commercial?

[A]

Yes, it's stunningly sad to me. Stunningly sad.

[E]

Are we still on the road?

[A]

As I can't See, we're doing this is what's called a live goddamn read. Because I have fucking clients on this show that are good. They're sponsors that are good. Like dollarshaveclub.com and you go to Dollar Shave Club and they deliver it right to your house.

[E]

Diamond Dave, I have no idea what it is. You're advertising what you did in the world.

[A]

I'm not done. I'll tell you what, by the way, Dave lives in a dirigible that circles the globe so he cannot be nailed down. He's never moved. But even they will find him. DollarShaveClub.com Adam, you get high quality razors delivered to your door or gondola for just a couple bucks a month. High quality razors, 100% guaranteed. Sent on schedule, never think about it again. Done with that part of my brain that wastes time on razor cartridges.

[B]

What are you gonna do with it now?

[E]

Razor's Gondola. That's your agent.

[A]

Razor Gondola, baby doll gondola. DollarShaveClub.com who knows what I'm going to do with that part of my brain? That's the point. The world is now my oyster for that part of my brain. DollarShaveClub.com Adam. DollarShaveClub.com all right, David Lee Roth is with us. Take a quick break. Diamond Dave, you like talking, right? You want to hang out and do some news with us?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

All right, we'll take a quick break. Back with Diamond Dave right after this. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Adam? Robert Alley. Yeah. I fucked this message up, didn't I?

[D]

Hope I can delete this one.

[A]

You can leave us a message at 888-8634-1744. Hey back. 8:11, 11 after 8 o'. Clock. That's 49 away from the top of the hour. Top of the hour. I got news, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, weather, news.

[E]

Diamond Dave, that's epic music, isn't it?

[A]

Epic music playing as they're coming in at the 9 o' clock hour and puddles mud coming in there. Also while they're coming on, they're gonna play some songs. They got some real, some sweet new stuff coming up. We're gonna play that. Well, actually what we're gonna do is we're gonna sample some of that coming up and then we're gonna backsell some of the stuff we sampled early. Before that we're gonna build. I'm gonna go back and check the weather from earlier this morning and Then step ahead with news.

[E]

Kind of digging this show actually. You got me.

[A]

That's Sky Captain up there. He's up there in the Stater Brothers chopper chapter five. Yeah, what do we got up there? Mattress and Lanes. Look at Sloan go on the 405. Look out for brake lights over there. 72 degrees. That's 72. Yeah, it's 8:14. It's 14 after the hour. That's 46 away from the top of the hour. Straight up, by the way. Coming up, top of the hour, diamond David Lee Roth in studio. Great to see you, man. I love that. Hey, David Lee Roth, really digging what you're doing these days. What's going on in David Lee Roth's road? Okay, great. Gotta jump in. Dave here we just a little traffic, weather, news, news, traffic, weather. 8:17, by the way. 17 after the hour. It's coming up on 40. No shit. 47 away from the top. No, 33. 33 away from the top there. David Lee Roth, what was it like being playing with Snotty Scotty and Hanky's back. Oh no, I got my rose back. Yeah, it's two for Tuesday. By the way, what is your prize for flight? Debbie Roth. I'm just kidding, don't answer. We got got traffic and weather coming up. News, traffic, weather. We got to hit the Stater brothers Jet Copter 5 again. You, what are you over the SL cut off out there. What do you got there? We got the mattress and lanes, stop and go.

[E]

I'm doing a mattress.

[A]

Looking out for brake lights. Slow and go, Mattress and lanes. All right, look out for brake lights out there, people. David Lee Roth. Diamond David Lee Roth. There he is. David, I want to know all about. By the way, Sludge is going to be down at the Ikea and Whittier. Go down there, kick him in the nuts and get a free beer, cousin. Kick Sludge in the nuts, get a free beer cuz he's so fat. Sludge. Why is that kid stupid? Sludge, he's one of the dumbest, fattest kids. He's such a fat dumb guy. Go out there, kick Sludge in the nuts, give him the phrase it pays and go ahead and win yourself a free beer koozie at the there. Sludge I again. He's gonna be out at the Our key out there in our lead out there. We've, we've moved him around. Ask Sludge for the phrase it pays. Kick, Sludge. And that's. That kid is. I'd say that kid is almost. He is so goddamn fat. He's such a bucket of crap. Thank God he's out of here. The boys. That guy's stupid. Anyway, kick sludge in the nuts, give us light and sprays and pace. And Boomer, the Nudge coming up after this, by the way. Boomer, the Nudge Floor wax coming up. They'll be coming up at 10. 10, 1 1. Doing middays out here. Let's go back to Skycopter 5. Stater brothers, what's it looking like out there?

[E]

It looks like another mattress, Adam.

[A]

There's mattresses and lanes over there. Look out now. Slow and go. Watch out for brake light.

[B]

Eight.

[A]

19. That is 19 away from the top of the hour. That's 30, 41 away from. Yeah, 41 away from the top there. Trench. News, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, weather, news, all coming up. We've got your traffic jams out there. Remember, it's September all month and it's two for two. So we're playing all that and we just have a.

[E]

You're a little too good. You're a little too good at this. There's a point here where it starts to become art form here.

[A]

Oh, all right. Well, I should stop that. Oh, wait a minute. Play the music. I'm sorry. Hawaiian Garden's checking in, 72 degrees. Redlands, checking in, 72 degrees. Duarte. 72. Commerce checking in at Obami.

[C]

72.

[A]

Irvine, 72. Santa Rosa, 72. Thousand Oaks, checking in now. 72. Canoga park, checking in. 71. No, a correction, 72 degrees. It just updated. Diamond Bar, coming in 72. Flynn Ridge, coming in. 72. Lakewood, coming in. Yeah, news tees.

[B]

Wait till you hear what a man in Diamond Bar does. Does with his cash.

[A]

I'm sorry, I gotta cut you off. We got news, weather, weather, traffic and news. And, of course, Diamond Day, Pomona, check in. Arteza, check in. Sludge down at Artesia, at the Ikea. Kick him in the nuts. Give him the Fraser pays. Get a beer, cousin. Diamond Day. What's been going on since van Halen?

[E]

Oh, 72, 73.

[A]

We got weather. Hold on, I gotta check in here. That's the format.

[E]

It is the format.

[A]

I went into a studio in, like, Houston, and you probably did that.

[E]

And nobody blinked.

[A]

No, they were doing it. No, they. I said, well, I came into studio to do a plug. A gig I was doing. And they're like, we gotta tape it. And I was like, why are you taping it? I'm in studio. You know, the reason you tape it is when you gotta Call in when they're off the air because of the time difference. Program director says we gotta tape it and we gotta edit it down. It's gotta be shorter than a song. And it's like, what if it's interesting? How about that? Anyone ever think about that?

[B]

They're willing to take that risk.

[A]

I know. So, by the way, Diamond David, this

[E]

is AM radio or FM radio?

[A]

This is FM am. They play a lot of commercials, but at least they let them express an opinion. Video podcast. The Raw show. Yes.

[B]

That thing where they have to move it along. Is it in addition to their talent, having no talent? Is it this idea that. That's how you keep the listener's interest?

[A]

The idea, the first sort of block in the corner, the cornerstone in the foundation of radio is the listeners are fucking dumb. That's rule number one. And rule number two is they're fucking dumb. And so you better fucking move it and keep it moving.

[E]

I don't know that people are so dumb. As we are besieged by a million other things screaming for your attention. Especially if you're in a car. That too, if you're driving, if you're headed, and if you're in the subway or something, There's a million other things that demand your attention. So you've got to move.

[A]

So elbowing in to get in. Yeah, you're boxing out under the attention boards.

[E]

Hello. Yes. You're as much stimuli as you can possibly make happen. You know, background music, sideground music, extra people supporting the star of the show.

[A]

Oh, my God. Do you guys hear the crazy techno music pumping underneath everything now? Yeah. I'm talking about funerals. Even though Lou was a fine, fine man. Brian, I'll hit it in a second. No, no. Left behind by his adoring wife, Sarah.

[E]

There you are.

[A]

I mean, really, we're this far off. Survived by his two children.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

This is what we're gonna have at fucking funerals. Like, you cannot nobody, you know, sounds

[E]

like a kicking funeral actually make a dance line.

[A]

Seriously, Every talk show now has this, like, all these. These. These shows, like Entertainment Tonight and stuff, they used to just do a piece on a celebrity. Now

[E]

the Italian economy.

[A]

Right.

[E]

What's next?

[A]

So should we do a little news, by the way, and David Leak?

[E]

Sure. Can we play that music?

[A]

Come on. The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[C]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[E]

It's Allison, Allison.

[A]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[C]

It's Allison.

[E]

Allison.

[A]

Yeah. Tax Resolution Services. You owe the IRS over $20,000 in back taxes. Huh? You being audited. They're coming after you, baby. What do you think you've paid in taxes in your life, David Lee Ross? I'll let you think about it. Just round. Just a round number.

[E]

Just a national product of a small African nation times four.

[A]

A round number. Think about it, and then I'll tell you about my friends over at Tax Resolution Services. You have problems. I had problems with taxes I owed. The IRS is. They're not so good if they owe you money, but if you owe them money, they. They are sharp as needles and they will come after you. And that's why you gotta deal with my good friends over at Tax Resolution Services. They got over 15 years experience dealing with these guys who are trying to get you away from your money. So do not live in fear anymore. No more sleepless nights, unless you're trying not to sleep. And then it's your own chibi business. No threatening letters or frozen bank accounts or garnished wages. No. Deal with it now, because it's only going to get worse. Call our friends, tax resolution services, 800-805-0169. That's 800-905-01699. Or click through the tax resolution [e-mail] don't put it off. David Lee Roth.

[E]

Tax forms are easy now. How much did you make? How much do you have left? Send it in.

[A]

You paid over $100 million?

[E]

I don't know if I've paid $100 million, but probably the band all the way, all the live shows for the last 40 years. I wouldn't be surprised.

[A]

You guys got to start paying that

[E]

much, actually rolled in and out of the coffers. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like a weekend to me.

[A]

It's time for you to start paying your fair share. That's what I'm saying. All right. It's not enough. You can afford more. All right.

[B]

Well, first of all, I have to tell you a disgusting thing that I witnessed today. You know how we were talking about the level of grossness in public restrooms, and you were asking if you see big frothy bowls of golden urine just sitting there in the women's room. And I was saying, yes, sometimes you do. Well, today I found that and a bloody sanitary napkin just sitting on the. Like the handrail. And I thought on the rail. What's going on? This person hates the bathroom.

[E]

This was in the museum or.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[E]

To be fair, is this an installation

[B]

or this was an employee bathroom at a grocery store, which. That was the only restroom they had. You might be wondering why I had to use a bathroom in a grocery store. I have no good answer other than I had been out for.

[A]

Definitely disgruntled. Yeah, no, that's the name of a black employee. Disgruntled. Degruntled Jackson. Definitely not. There's got to be a black chick on the planet named De Gruntle. Or possibly in the NFL. The point is this.

[B]

Who does that, though? I asked the listeners.

[A]

Hold on. Has anyone ever been. Have you ever been gruntled? Are you guys all gruntled?

[E]

Commercial, for sure.

[A]

I like to think of my employees as gruntled. Everyone's gruntled, fully grunted. Disgruntled. They're fully gruntled. That means stoned, right?

[E]

I'm somewhere between disgruntled, not too disgruntled.

[A]

But you're not gruntled. No, all my. All my staff is fully gruntled.

[E]

I'm a little disgruntled.

[A]

So I think, you know, they say, I don't know. Voltaire said, you can measure society by its prisons, sir.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't know somebody said that.

[E]

Yeah, well, you can certainly judge it. You can judge a culture by how its bathrooms.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I don't got time to go to prison, but I do go to the bathroom.

[E]

You should see the bathrooms in Japan. I've been living in Tokyo. They're electric. When you walk by, they open up like the plant and feed me, feed me.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Little Shop of Horrors.

[A]

I mean, what do I know? I'm not gay. I don't listen to musicals.

[E]

You know a little bit about bathrooms, though, right?

[A]

A little bit.

[E]

They run hot water through the seat, depending.

[A]

No, as I'm saying that that's a culture that's put together pretty good.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm saying compared to, like, Paris, France, maybe. Find me that quote. But I do feel like you can judge the culture by its restrooms, and you can judge the culture in different periods of the restroom, pardon the pun, with the sanitary napkin. But meaning, feel like in the 50s, when you went to a bathroom, a guy with a bow tie said, would you like me to wipe your ass, Mr. Roth? And you'd go, no, I'm fine. Now they're locked up. You can't use them. You need a, you know, code. Like when you go to a high rise, you ever do a thing where it's like you go to a nice fucking high rise building. It's like the 33rd floor. And it's in, you know, downtown LA, and it's like it's your attorney's office or something. You want to use the bathroom. Like you need a key.

[E]

Yes. And you have to ask the lady

[B]

for it and they tell you the code and you have to say it to yourself repeatedly on your walk there.

[E]

Also, you know that everybody else in the waiting room knows that you're about to go drop traffic.

[A]

It's Century city, it's the 33rd floor.

[E]

And they're wondering what you look like with your trowel drop.

[A]

How much raping is going on in the Comedy Central building in Century city on the 33rd floor. What's going on in the bathroom? That's hilarious. I think there's some, well, dusting, yeah, would be nice. But the point is, what's going on? That we need keys all the time. And yes, you're right, David, you now have to announce I must shit. May I? Shit. 22 year old Kelly girl, thank you for the keys to the castle with the golden throne.

[E]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. What about just letting people who are on the 33rd floor who work on that floor just use the bathroom as they need it?

[E]

So why do they lock that?

[A]

You think everything is an attorney. Everything is at a certain point. What happened with gas stations is people turned into such fucking animals that they would go into bathrooms and start urinating on the rolls of toilet paper while they were on the holder and then busting up the sinks with crowbars and all that kind of stuff.

[E]

I remember those days.

[A]

Yes. And go ahead and read the quote.

[B]

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. And Dostoevsky said that bathroom is a

[E]

kind of a prison.

[A]

I said bathroom? It's a prison for your anus, dude.

[B]

It felt like that Today there ain't

[A]

no time off for good behavior. They don't parole your anus.

[B]

I mean, that's why I had to use the bathroom. As a prison break.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So it's more like a generational prison break.

[A]

What the fuck is going on that everyone, they're all desecrated? Like I said, I went to go to Huntington Memorial, you know, that's in Pasadena, a really nice world class hospital to visit. What I thought was my dying dad and I went to go use the bathroom. And a lot of people are using that bathroom, probably getting themselves together. Like it's off the icu, you know, it's intensive care. There's people probably pulling themselves together in that bathroom. And I walk into the bathroom and it's completely been tagged up. Everyone is. Someone took a sharp nail or drywall screw and carved the gang whatever into the mirrors, into the toilet rolls, into the toilet seat, into. It's like we're at a nice hospital on the fourth floor and some guy pulled a few bullets out of one guy. Oh, I have no. It's everywhere. That's the whole point. We've completely lost it. I don't know why it's not being talked about and why we're not bringing it up much, but every bathroom is fucking desecrated.

[E]

Well, that's the end result of discontinuing all the art programs.

[A]

Yeah, they'd have nowhere to paint, those poor, poor gangbangers.

[B]

Yeah, well, at least she didn't paint on the walls with this pad.

[A]

Yeah, that's the top of the toilet. That's the toilet seat at Huntington Memorial.

[E]

That's the top of the toilet, boys. So anyway, what we're all working for,

[B]

in real news or in other news, there's a story out of Bakersfield. A lot of people are Talking about an 87 year old woman at an independent, like at an old folks home. But it was an independent living facility is what it was called. Her breathing slowed considerably or she fell to the floor, I believe. And then she was breathing very slow. So someone at the Glenwood Gardens called 911 and 911 was trying to talk this nurse through how to give her cpr. And the woman at Glenwood Gardens said that she like she refused to give her CPR. And the woman ultimately died. And the 911 call, which is very. Well, we have part of it.

[A]

All right, we'll listen to it. Yeah, we can't do CPR at this time. Hand the phone to the passerby if you can't do it. I need to hand it to the passerby. I'll have her do it.

[D]

Or if you've got any citizens there, I'll have them.

[A]

No, anybody there can do cpr. Give them the phone, please. This woman's not breathing enough. She's going to die if we don't get this started. I don't understand why you're not willing to help this patient. Is there anybody that works there that's willing to do it? We can't. Are we just gonna wait?

[D]

We're gonna let this lady die?

[E]

Well, that's why we're calling 91 1.

[A]

We can't wait. She can't wait. Right now she is stopping breathing. Is there anybody. That's where that's willing to help this lady and not let her die.

[B]

Not at this time.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe next week.

[B]

And the crazy thing is that in the. In the. In this. I mean, just what we heard makes you want to punch this woman. But if you hear. Hear the full audio, which is like, over four minutes, you really want to. I mean, she's so slow and so doesn't care. And at one point, the 911 person even says, Look, EMS will assume the liability. So I don't know if it's. It's not clear. Like, I guess the protocol at this place was that when there's an Emergency, you call them 1:1, and then you wait with the person till they get there. But I think that any. Even A stranger, if 91 1, is trying to talk you through how to give CPR, wouldn't you do it?

[E]

I can tell you probably what's going on at that place is that there's insurance issues and that on old folks, like, you know, sounds like you got somebody, a real senior in there. And that if you don't know exactly what you're doing, even if you do know what you're doing, you can crack bones, you can break bones, et cetera, and you may save the life, but then the grandkids come back and sue the facility or sue the first responder, and, you know, just by way of explanation.

[A]

Well, there's probably. You're an EMT, right?

[E]

Yeah, I was up until about 16 months ago.

[A]

The. Well, let's talk about this for a second. Now, I'm not this smart, but I heard the theory floated that a lot of people have a do not resuscitate who are at these facilities. Oh, yeah, I heard that.

[B]

She did not, though, Although I think that's uncomfortable. What they're saying is that there wouldn't have been any time to look up what. Whether she did or not when they called 911.

[A]

Well, I make them wear windbreakers at my place.

[B]

That's smart.

[A]

Yeah. Dnr, right on the back. I wear an ATF one, you know, just for fun. Seems funny. Yeah, but they're dnr, and that's that way. I know. And so if it's not a do not resuscitate. I've had this happen a million times where people. They take a stance where they start to dig in a little bit, and then as you start pulling on the chew toy a little bit, they start pulling harder the other direction, and before you know it, they don't even know what they're resisting. They're just Saying no.

[E]

They're just rebelling.

[A]

Yeah, they get on a no roll. I've had this happen.

[E]

Got it.

[A]

Where you do that thing where you go, I'll tell you where it happens. It happens when you're trying to check into the captain's nest at like, United Air at LAX or United or American or something. And you say to the lady, I have a first class ticket to Denver. And she starts shaking her head no. That doesn't. It's only national and intergalactic. That gets you international and intergalactic. That gets you into this thing. And then you reach for your wallet and you go, I got one of these Amex Black. And she starts shaking like, no, we don't accept. And then you start pulling out this United Club card. And I see her shaking her head no. And I'm like, Like, hey, bitch, Maybe I got $1,000 bill rolled up and filled with cocaine. Like, don't you want to. I know you're. I know you're on a roll of going, nah, no, no, we don't know. No, no. But what if I did pull something out of the fucking wallet that said my dad owns United Airlines or what? Or the right piece of something that says, I'm in the captain's club. Like, why are you on a no roll? And you guys, we've all dealt with people where you're going to going, look, can't we just no. And you go, well, what if I just no. And then you know that you just

[B]

offered information that should undo the no, but they're just gonna stick with it, right?

[A]

Like, I do that thing like you go to a gas station. I've had this happen, you know, million years ago. Hey, listen, I'm out of gas can. I borrow a gas can and I'll pay for the. No, we don't lend the gas cans out. Okay? I reach in the back of my truck and I go, this is a $130 hypoid salt. Keep this in case I don't come back with your gas. Sir, we don't lend. And I'm like, you should hope if I don't come back or I get hit by a truck, you're gonna get $130 high points off for your $5 gas can.

[E]

It's policy. As I say, it's high pointsy, high polity. But he's not gonna be the one who has to do the brokering or the explanation. The boss is gonna show up.

[A]

But think about who works at these places. This place is super angry Grunt.

[E]

Not Gruntal, are we back at the retirement home?

[A]

We are. We're back there. And we got traffic and weather coming up at the top of the hour, in case you're asking.

[B]

But if you work with old people, I mean, if you. Everyone.

[A]

I think you hate old people.

[B]

Oh, well, maybe you want to be there for their final breath. They have to. This must happen frequently.

[A]

I know. I think this person got on a no roll. I also think she was one of those, like I said, said that. All right, dig on this. There's also a you're not the boss of me. And there's a feminine version of, I lost control of my life at a certain point, probably at the hands of a guy I married who did a few things to me or dad who did a few things. And you're not pushing me. I'm taking control. No voice is going to tell me what to do. You know, the people that got. Literally got raped or fucked with or abused or they're survivors of something now. They work in jobs. And your voice kind of becomes this voice of authority. And they swore never again to give in to that voice. And they're fighting. Their dad's been in the grave for 13 years. And you become that voice when you're asking them to do something. So a lot of that out there. A lot.

[E]

I'm gonna guess that she's just afraid she's gonna lose her job or that because they told her no, you can't put any hands on these oldsters. You're gonna break ribs and we're gonna get sued. And she can't think past that.

[A]

Well, more lawyers, by the way. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna

[B]

do, because I just can't imagine being in a situation where someone is literally going to die in front of you unless you take an action. And you're so afraid of losing your job.

[A]

Well, what.

[B]

You know, I'd be out of here in a second.

[A]

I gotta explain. So you would be gruntled or disgruntled. Here's. Here's like.

[E]

As the patient, I'd be a little disgruntled.

[A]

Here's the best. The best thing, the best weapon, the best thing these guys have, the 91 ones have in their quiver, is say you're. You're being recorded. And this is going to hit the news outlets. Like, you just go. At a certain point, you go, ma', am, can you pick up, man? Can you find someone in. Is there anyone? And then at a certain point, you just go, ma', am, we record all this and it's a slow news cycle and people are going to take this and run with it and you're gonna look like a colossal pile of douche. So please do the fucking resuscitation. Otherwise I will let this fucking tape go to the closest news outlet and it's gonna be everywhere. And Adam Kroll's gonna be calling you a douchebag.

[B]

Her name, the douche is named Colleen.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

It is nice, though, to hear a record, a 911 recording, where the 911 person at least seems on the ball. Because I feel like all we ever hear are recordings where the 911 person is awful.

[A]

We should start like the equivalent of a J date for 911 callers and operators. Because usually the person who's calling is a complete asshole or the 911 operator's a complete asshole. But how about a nice, like, general pop, you know, like, hey, here's criminals that haven't stabbed anyone in a long time, they just want to play a little acoustic guitar and basketball. Let them hang out. Like, here's a 912 number for all the nice people who want to call the nice911 operators. We're going to pair you guys up.

[B]

Having an emergency.

[A]

It'll be awesome.

[B]

But are you a nice person?

[A]

Yeah. So it'd be like this. I'd be like. I'd call you up and I'd be

[B]

like, 912, how can I help you?

[A]

Oh, you sound sweet. What's your name?

[B]

Thanks, Shirley.

[A]

Shirley. Hey, Shirley. I'm Adam.

[B]

Hey, Adam.

[C]

What's your problem?

[A]

You have a great voice. I'm over here at Shady Akers.

[B]

Oh, great. I know many people over there.

[A]

They're sweet, sweet old people.

[B]

What seems to be going on?

[A]

Well, Doris just fell over. She's not breathing so well. Oh, no, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

[B]

She sounds like a really nice lady.

[A]

She's a dynamite lady. I love her like she's my mother.

[B]

Okay, now tip her head back.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Make sure she's laying flat, no pillow behind her. Okay.

[A]

Are you just making this up?

[B]

No, I know it well.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[B]

I live to serve people like you, Adam.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Doris, was it?

[A]

I gotta tell you, if this sequestration thing touches your paycheck, I will personally float you.

[B]

Aw, thank you.

[A]

I will personally float you.

[B]

Oh, you're too kind. I can't accept anything from that.

[A]

She's flat.

[B]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[A]

All right. Hey, want to go out and have a catch after this.

[E]

Sure, yeah, it should happen. It's not implausible.

[A]

Either the person that calls up is a douche or the person that picks up the phone is a douche. And why do they get each other? I'll tell you who's not a douche. Hulu plus, baby. Watch as many tv. That's what we call a segue. Watch as many TV shows as you want, anytime, anywhere. Hit shows like Family Guy, Community, Modern Family. Other shows with the name Family in it. Family Affair, perhaps. Family Guy, Timely reference, South park, snl, all in the Family. There was one just called Family. I think it was the most depressing sitcom to ever hit the air. Family Ties, Mama's Family. All there. Watch on any device. Smartphone, tablet. Here's a Novel 1. Your TV, PS3, Xbox360, Blu Ray, Roku, Apple TV, whatever you like. Just $7.99 a month. But my listeners get a special extended free trial. Just go to huluplus.com Adam and click on the Hulu+ banner on AdamCarolla.com support the show and try Hulu right now at huluplus.com Adam, what's that show? Family. That show Family. Do you remember Family?

[E]

I recollect something about this.

[A]

Yeah. You know what it had in it?

[B]

Christy McNichol.

[A]

Yep. Christy McNichol.

[B]

The young people, like Gary don't even know who she is.

[A]

And it was like the mom and family should have gotten together with. She was the most depressing. SATA Thompson. She was the most depressing mom in sitcoms. And Uncle Bill from Family Affair was like the most depressing dad figure in sitcoms. They should have paired up to be a super depressing team because he was always just like Uncle Bill. My Little League game is this Saturday. Are you coming? He said, ah, Jesus, Jody.

[E]

A real dad.

[A]

French.

[C]

French.

[E]

And this took place in Pasadena, right?

[A]

Oh, it's interesting. Yeah. Family Affair was like Manhattan and these poor kids, you know, it was back before people could get divorced and shit or go gay or anything, you know, now they had to die in fiery car crashes. Back then, like, everyone needed to die. You know what I mean? Like the Brady Bunch. Everyone died. I don't know why you're not horrified when you're like, Bobby, you're like seven years old and your dad died. You're like, hey, new dad who's gay in real life.

[B]

Come on back awfully quick. In all the sitcoms, Family Affair were

[A]

two full house, two twins whose parents were taken out in a car. Crash or something. And they're like, all right, Uncle Bill, Mr. French, how you doing? They would wake up every night with night terrors, just screaming and crying into the night. Right.

[B]

It's not realistic at all.

[A]

Not enough Mrs. Beasleys in the world to ever make that right.

[B]

You know what I'm wondering if we're gonna put together the most depressing family ever. Who are the kids?

[A]

This is.

[B]

I kind of want to give it to.

[E]

Would they be real kids?

[A]

No, no. They have to be sitcom kids.

[B]

Kevin from Mr. Belvedere. Was that his name? Kevin? The older brother. I just have a sense that he was kind of depressed, but I'm not. I'm not sure about that.

[A]

All right, all right. So we have. We have the mom from Family. If you guys ever saw her, she was just always just sitting there looking at Christy McNichol disapprovingly and explaining what she said.

[E]

What about the Olsen girls? Do they still qualify as Pop?

[B]

But Michelle from.

[A]

But it has to be their character, Dave. It has to be the sitcom character, not ones that have killed themselves in real life.

[E]

Stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah. Didn't the older sister and Roseanne like, run Away and in Wonder Years? Roseanne was good. The older sister in both those shows, like Ran Away from Home. Mackenzie Phillips in One Day at a Time was pretty bummed out for the most part. Why can't we afford cool jeans? We can't afford it. Take it back.

[B]

It's funny you say one day at a time.

[A]

Oh, the other one married Eddie Van Halen.

[E]

Yep. What now? What was going on behind the scenes for McKenzie at that point in time?

[B]

Well, hanging out with dad,

[A]

Papa John Phillips.

[B]

Speaking of One day at a Time, Bonnie Franklin. I know. Mrs. Romano died of complications from pancreatic cancer. She was 69.

[E]

Too much sweetness.

[A]

You know what I love? Every fifth episode was she would. Every sitcom from the 70s had the same thing where someone would come home and go, I got a raise. And they never said how much the raise was. Everyone was like, he got a raise. She got a raise. Bonnie Franklin would get a raise. And then everyone would go out on a shopping spree and they'd buy a bunch of stuff. And then they'd find out later on, like, Mr. Jenkins would come in and he'd go, look, I have some Japanese businessmen in town. And they say to her, you know how the game is played, don't you? And then that's when they'd go out on her face. They'd go out on the act, break on her face. Like, wait a minute. I have to pleasure these Japanese businessmen. Like first off, she's not at the top of any Japanese businessman. A 42 year old mother of two, divorcee with hair shorter than David Lee Ross. It's not what they're looking for when they fly across an ocean.

[E]

But she's got to entertain them at the house.

[A]

But they say, oh no, no, she. She's got to play the game. She's got to put the game.

[B]

That's how the game is played.

[A]

She's got to put out. That's. That's how it is. And then she realizes the whole raise was nothing but a. It was nothing but a house.

[E]

A ruse.

[A]

Yeah, ruse for her to put out for these Japanese businessmen. And that's when and that then Act 3 is them telling everyone to take everything back. You got to take all the stuff you bought from this raise that I haven't got yet. That I don't know is how much back in the 70s, if you got a raise like, Dawson, I'm not ever gonna give you a raise. But if I do give you a raise, It'll be like 75 cents an hour. It's not gonna be you go on a shopping spree. Like if I say, Dawson, you're getting a raise. Don't go out and buy an rv.

[B]

He looks so gruntle.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Are you grunt? I'm actually fully gruntled right now.

[B]

Sometimes in these shows they would have to cut up the credit card.

[A]

Oh yeah, they cut the credit card up. I forgot about that.

[B]

That's the news.

[E]

That was the news.

[A]

That was it.

[E]

That was great.

[A]

You sound disgruntled.

[E]

No, I'm not disgruntled at all. I've never heard news like this.

[A]

Then you're grunted. That was the news with Allison Rose. All right, Dawson, get poised. It's time to earn your keep. Legalzoom baby. It's national. Start your business month again. They've rolled it over. They may go the whole year with this LegalZoom business. LegalZoom.com so many you people starting your own businesses, they just extended it right into March. And that means savings for you starting up an LLC, S Corp. Sole proprietorship or nonprofit. LegalZoom takes care of you from start to finish, baby. LegalZoom. We use them. You use them. LegalZoom.com LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services at your specific direction. Now every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accounting software. A$269 value for free. Be sure to enter Adam in the referral box of check. Start your business, protect your family and safeguard your [e-mail] today. All right, I want to remind everyone in Los Angeles to vote for Kevin James for mayor because he's not mobbed up with the unions. All right, And Amalfi restaurant, Wednesday night, John Reap's coming out. One of my favorite comedians. Is that a Hemi? You know that guy? Me and Dennis Prager coming up. And CSUN March 16th and Salt Lake City, Kingsbury hall, me and Dr. Drew Little reunion tour. Also, David Lee Roth the Roth show video podcast available on iTunes and YouTube. And you can go online and check out all the dates and times and everything at his website, davidleeroth.com well, David, if you're in the neighborhood, come back anytime you like.

[E]

Adam, thank you so much. This was great. I'm back. And get back into a broadcasting here.

[A]

Glad you enjoyed it. So next time, the sound of Crolla for David Lee Roth, Allison Rosen, and bald Brian saying mahalo. Would you like me to wipe your ass, Mr. Roth? At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place.

[E]

Pluto tv.

[A]

Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth, isn't it?

[E]

It's just so Beautiful.

[A]

On Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may

[A]

cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials.

[E]

No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never.

[A]

Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop. Shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right. Dawson stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[D]

All right, that was 1027. David Lee Roth in studio along with Allison Bryant. Coming up next, we have another episode from 2013. It's Adam Car Show 1041. Sebastian Bach, David Wild, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop. Check it out.

[A]

Skid Rose, Sebastian Bach, David Allen Greer, and Rolling Stone's David Wilde. Plus Allison Rosen on news and Paul Bryan on sound effects. And now you've gone wild, Adam Carolla yeah. Get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. I want to thank the wean truck. W I E N. I thought you meant.

[E]

No.

[A]

They used to used to be a place called the Wiener Factory out here and we used to go there in high school and get the hot dogs and get the Lone Browse because they didn't. Yeah. This is a song that was pumping the whole time. We're eating those strong those dogs. And I loved it because this is a simpler time like now you I shit you not. I was at the, you know, I was at the airport in Arizona and a guy that looked like Burl, if Burl Ives was a minor and he had a and he drank a lot. That's what. And oh, no. If Burl Ives was a sea captain and a miner.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And drank whiskey out of a bucket.

[C]

Diverse.

[B]

I would have dated him.

[A]

That's what this guy looked like. And he pulled up to the bar and the guy next needed to see his id and back then they didn't need to see id and we get the Lowen brass. All right, Good to see you. David Wilde.

[D]

Good. Yunta Fatim Carolla.

[A]

And good thank you. And good to see you, Alison.

[B]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[A]

And good to see you, Bald Brian. Now, I'm not going to rape you, but. All right. So we're going to Sebastian Bach's going to be in here. David Allen Greer, same person, if you ask me. Coming in as well. We're gonna do a little Nicaraguan name that tune with Alan Parsons. Are you sitting down?

[B]

Whose idea Was this?

[A]

Hmm. 1. A young boy named Dawson. I'll say lynch really still is to

[D]

defend Mike Dawson for one moment. And I know that maybe a bad choice for me to make right now on the way to school this morning, my son who's here with me Today was discussing the genius of Alan Parsons because he was listening to Dark side of the Moon and the engineering of Alan Parsons.

[A]

So he is. He is a genius and also an artist. Now for those. Do we have some eye in the sky? The kid was busy not getting texted

[C]

by girls, so of course they had

[A]

a question if he. For those who don't know, I mean, the guy was an incredible sound engineer. Still is. But he had some records and had some hits as well.

[D]

The project.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Sounds as fresh as it did in 1986. Sort of a weird song, but I like it.

[D]

I don't want to say who, but there was a recent country pop crossover that was widely perceived to have borrowed rather liberally from this.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah. I'm gonna say who it is.

[D]

You can say.

[A]

I gotta think of their name really quick.

[B]

He's tapping his head to shake the information loose.

[A]

All right, we'll figure it out.

[B]

I don't know if it's from the ween, but I have an intense need to burp like nothing I've ever had before. And it might be.

[D]

That could be Alan Parsons. Alan Parsons might be amazing.

[B]

I just want you guys to know what's happening with me right now.

[A]

Well, if you'd like to turn your head toward David and belch away, that would be. That would be awesome.

[D]

Oddly. That's exciting.

[A]

Let me ask you guys.

[C]

Is it Lady Antebellum?

[A]

It's Lady Antebellum. Ah. And I just found them. There's a mashup online that I just found of the two songs, so we could play that if you want. We can do that since we hear about the burp in the sky. Yeah, this does sound, I don't know, Lady Antebellum that well, but I've heard them on the Grammys and I. This. This part. Yeah. Oh, well, maybe we'll listen to the mashup when you find it, and then

[D]

next week we can get into Nirvana. Stealing More than a Feeling, but let's move on.

[A]

Oh, oh, interesting.

[D]

It's one of my big issues.

[A]

Well, you know. You know, it was funny on Friday's show, we had Huey Lewis on the show. Hold on a second. I'm talking Huey. We had Huey Lewis. And there was a story that Ivan Reitman told me when Jimmy and I were sitting in his house, his then 55 million dollar house, which is now probably $100 million house.

[D]

And I mean, by Jimmy, you mean Jimmy Dean. James Dean.

[A]

I mean Rock on, Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. David Essex. We were Sitting in his house. And we were talking about how they went to him to go get the Ghostbusters song, and he declined. And then they went to Ray Parker Jr. And he wrote basically, I want a new drug. And then they stole it. And there was countless millions given to Huey, which has got to be the best way to. To make money. Someone just goes to you. Like, it'd be like if somebody said, hey, Adam, can you put a new roof on my house? And I went, nah, I'm pretty busy right now. And then they hired someone else to put a roof on the house, but it kind of looked like the roof I would have done. And then I just went, I'm gonna need millions of dollars for that guy putting a roof on the house.

[D]

See, I feel every rock star gets one because it happens to a lot of people. Like, even the. I know George Harrison's one of your favorite.

[A]

My sweet Lord in the shirell. He's so fine. Sounds Nothing.

[D]

No, that's not. What? That's not the one.

[A]

Oh, it isn't?

[D]

No. James Taylor Something, which is, I think, one of the greatest songs ever written by George Harrison. Listen to Something in the Way She Moves by James Taylor a year earlier on Apple Records. And you know that he was there some. You know, he had heard it.

[A]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't know that when I knew the.

[D]

The lyric, literally. Yeah, yeah. No, Something in the Way She Moves is a song by James Taylor on his first record, which is for Apple Records. Oh, and then there's something which is, again, independently, a great song, but it's a little too close.

[A]

Pretty close. And on their label.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Is this that.

[D]

This is the James Taylor Something in the Way She Moves. Just the lyric was a little too

[A]

much of a borrow. All right, I'm gonna close my beautiful song. Close my eyes.

[C]

Looks my way across my name

[E]

does

[A]

something the way she moves. Yeah.

[D]

I'm saying, just as I think that was a starting point.

[A]

All right, now, for me, I've always said that the song Soul Finger, the

[D]

greatest song of all time.

[A]

Yes. Sounds the bar case. The bar case sounds a lot more like the Ghostbusters song than I want to do drugs, because it is Soul Finger and it sounds like the song.

[D]

So ripping off two people makes it an independent piece of. Geez, I love this.

[A]

Here it goes.

[D]

God. What Dan Aykroyd movie. Is this all over?

[A]

Ghostbusters? Yeah, Ghostbusters. Like, listen. Yeah, the barquet should have sued Huey Lewis.

[D]

Did Huey Lewis bust you on criticizing one of his songs?

[A]

Yes, he did.

[D]

Which one did he. Was it stuck on you?

[A]

He stuck with you? Or maybe stuck on you. Yeah. Stuck with you.

[D]

Stuck with you.

[A]

Yeah. How much does it sound like? Ghostbusters. He knows that song. A little guitar in the background. Time. And then they even. Instead of singing Ghostbusters, they sing Soul Finger.

[D]

I think you're right.

[A]

I think I'd like to know what that finger smelled like.

[C]

Soul.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters. Okay, so the bar case. See, once again, the brothers cheated out of the. Out of the money. And I'm guessing they're the brothers by

[D]

a brother in this case. Ray Parker Jr. Was a brother, that's true.

[A]

But he didn't. Hughie is the one who got the payday.

[D]

He's the middleman.

[A]

All right, so. Well, let me just ask a question. Show of hands. Smelling someone's burp versus smelling someone's fart. What are we coming down here now?

[B]

I'm gonna show of hands or you want us to shout out?

[A]

I'm gonna say I prefer fart too. Fart center burp. No. Well, here's the thing. I think we only say fart because we're used to it. Burp is more of a novelty. Yes.

[B]

Unpleasant. An unpleasant novelty.

[E]

That.

[A]

And that's why. Because it's not worse than a fart. And the other one came from a person's ass.

[B]

It's more familiar, though. You have more of a frame of reference.

[A]

It's more intimate. And I think the novelty part, the

[B]

burp is like, holy. What is that? Stomach acid? What is going on?

[C]

Smelling a burp, that means you're awfully close to somebody. Someone's mouth. Like it's rare.

[A]

The reason it's rare to smell a burp is rare that you're physically close to someone.

[D]

It's so burp to me because again, you have have. There's like an even split of men and women in your house. I have two boys versus one wife. And so in a living room situation, there could be a regular series of explosions of the posterior sort. So that's much. That's familiar to me.

[A]

A burp.

[D]

That scares me.

[B]

Did you know, though, I discovered this the hard way, if you burp and you just blow it at your nose, that doesn't protect me.

[A]

Well, it's just get together.

[C]

Allison.

[B]

Sorry. It's just a memory of horrible sushi burps.

[A]

I remember once shooting something on a beach with Kimmel with a stiff like 20 knot breeze coming in offshore. And he farted and everyone smelled it. And I went. You farted up at Windy Beach. Like that's. That's a tall order.

[C]

That's stuff legends are made of.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you think he still farts at 11:30 or. He wouldn't.

[A]

That's more 12:35, but yes. All right. Shall we do a little Nicaraguan Name that Tune? So anyway, the great Alan Parsons is playing on one end. Dawson went and recorded him. Ozzy is going to name the tune or he's going to do the tune. We're going to guess, and you and I are going to guess whether the great Allen Parsons knows the song based on Ozzy's lyrics.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

All right, let's try it. This is Nicaragua Nina, live from now tonight, Contested Adam Parsons, Allison's Ferb. Nicaraguan Nam, that tune brought to you by Ma', am, the national association of Music Merchants. Hello, this is Alan Parsons, and you're listening to the Adam Corolla show. All right, now we will play the song and then we will guess and see if Ozzy or see if Allan could get it. Here we go. Come as you are. Nirvana, as you were As I want you to be. Okay. All right. I think. I think he's gonna get this Nirvana song. What do you think, David?

[D]

I agree, because that was what sort of wiped out a lot of 80s careers, you know, that was Nirvana. That Nevermind album was the record that sort of turned rock. So I think. I love Alan Parsons, but I think he's probably well aware of the record that sort of changed everything.

[A]

Let's hear it. It's got a familiarity, but I can't. I can't place it. Jesus Christ, dude, you're an engineer. You are as you were, as you want you to be. All right. Yeah. Nirvana. Now, listen, he knows the song.

[B]

I got it.

[A]

The first three. Whatever comes out of Ozzie's mouth. All right.

[B]

I feel like he's not applying himself,

[D]

but I guess because Ozzy brought a certain Jose Feliciano lilt to him, that might have undermined Alan.

[A]

Oh, my God. To hear that fucking Christmas song of his ever again. I'll kill myself. All right. Although Chico and the man, you know, you have those famous moments where people are singing the wrong lyric. We always talk about this. This, you know, it's my friend Steve Hughes singing Taking Care of Pistons by BTO or something. And you stop in the middle and my friend Mark Drotman singing those Are Lies. Love isn't always on time. It's like, you know, that moment where you have to stop. It's such a weird Sophie's Choice. If do I tap him on the shoulder? They seem to be having fun with screwing up the lyrics of this song.

[D]

Total choice. Yeah.

[A]

And they've. They've known Toto's choice, and they've been doing it for a while because this song's 11 years old now. So it's like, do I fuck with this last decade of this guy's life? In your friend.

[D]

In your friend's defense, I still am not sure if it's we to fall away or Meet you all the way, Rosanna. In Rosanna.

[C]

Meet you all the way.

[D]

Is it? Meet you all the way.

[A]

Yeah. All right, so you know, Jose Feliciano was singing the Chico and the Man. Great song.

[D]

Don't be discouraged.

[A]

Don't be discouraged A man he ain't so hard to understand. And then Jimmy chimed in. Gato, things will get better. And I was like, gato. He's like, yeah. He's saying, cat, I know things are getting pretty sure. It's gotta. I was like, wow. And by the way, you've been messing this one up for a full 20, 23 years now. Yeah, I know. Things will get better. Yeah. In the pantheon of God. Good. You know, sitcom theme songs that they used to have back in the day. Jose gets sort of kicked to the curb a little. But nice. Nice job on that one. All right, let's go to our own Jose Feliciano, which is Ozzy. Let's hear it. All.

[D]

It has sort of a sound of Morse code in Immigrant in jail for, like, immigration violations. But I think I know Alan Parsons. Gotta know this.

[A]

He's gotta know. The Beach Boys, Barbara Ann. What a talent you have there. I mean, incredible. What a performance that was, Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys, I believe. All right.

[B]

Hear it the same way.

[A]

So now we're one out of two, but we're all tied up. Here we go. Birdie Patty, Cheesecake, Jelly bean boom. Bob Dylan.

[C]

Oh, you know this one?

[A]

Oh, Bir cheesecake, jelly bean boom. Oh, some Katy Perry or something.

[D]

I don't think he's going to know this one.

[A]

I don't know this one. Do you know this one?

[D]

No.

[A]

No. Oh, I can't tell.

[D]

What he's doing.

[A]

Doesn't exist. Let's try it again. Let's see. But, Brian, you know it.

[C]

I do it. I do know.

[A]

Patty, Cheesecake, jelly bean boom. Pretty sure this is.

[C]

This is the End of the World

[A]

as We Know it by RM oh, this is Cheesecake and Jelly Beans.

[D]

I've never heard sung by a heterosexual before.

[A]

All Right. He's not gonna get this. I say no to this, but the patty, cheesecake, jelly bean boom. Cheesecake, jelly bean boom. Cheesecake, jelly bean birthday party. Cheesecake, jelly bean boom. I have no idea. Wow. Forgot about that part. Good, good pull there, Paul Brian. REM fan. All right, so all knotted up at 2 and 1. We heading into the championship rounds here. What do we got here, Dawson? Two. Two left. All right, here we go. You taken lo before what? I kind of. Gson. Don't ask me. They shall go, you know what you thinking?

[D]

He's going to get this one.

[A]

All right. I say he's going to get eye in the sky.

[D]

I think he might sue, but he won't get this one.

[A]

Don't ask me. They shall go. You probably know what you thinking, so why does that sound incredibly familiar, I wonder. I think it's Iron the Sky by a certain Alan Parsons project. All right, we're all knotted up. David Wilde, these two great gladiators. No quarter. I will pick the opposite of whatever you pick on this one. Okay? So we can declare a winner and then when, if I lose, I can say that's the one I was going to choose, but I chose not to. That's right. Been a long time. Been a long time.

[D]

Yes. If he doesn't know this, then, yeah,

[A]

he's a problem, all right. You say he knows Led Zeppelin. I say he doesn't. Been a long time. Been a long time. Been a Lonnie, Lonnie, Lonnie, Lonnie.

[D]

I believe it's lonely when I know

[A]

what it is Lonely, lonely what? Still the tip of my tongue. I know that song. I know that. Long time. Been a long time. It's a high voice. It's a high voice. Maybe squeaky.

[B]

Go your way.

[E]

High pitch voice singing. That

[A]

is it. Note. No time.

[D]

Time.

[A]

No time, no time. Is it going for Guess who?

[D]

Guess who?

[A]

Canadian Give up. Oh, I'm not very good at this, am I? No, you're not. But I take the victory. Wow. Wow. Who knew? I mean, to be fair, and it's somewhere in. In 50 years, we'll all be chicks. Led Zeppelin was the most secure band ever because none of their songs other than Stairway to Heaven were named after any lyric that was in their song. So you'd go, you'd go look at their albums like I was in junior high. And I'd go like, I want Led Zeppelin 2 and I want that one. That and it'd be like Living Lovin Made. It's like, is that the one with the Purple alligator and the.

[D]

But he should have said, it's Zeppelin. He should have said Zeppelin.

[A]

Yeah. The fucking song titles didn't match up at. I'm trying to think Living Loving May

[D]

did, but very few did.

[A]

Dire Maker, you know, Right. Jermaker, Deer Maker, Dyer Maker, Misty Mountain Hop or whatever. I mean, Achilles Last Stand. I mean, I don't know.

[D]

Cashmere, the greatest cashmere.

[A]

Yeah. What is it? There's no mention of cashmere. I mean, it's almost like they're going, here's our fucking brief mention. Oh, there is, but it's very brief.

[C]

It's in a seven minute song.

[A]

Like they were going, here's how good we are. We don't have to even direct, direct you to our music. I mean in the 70s when you would call in and request songs, maybe call the DJ and go, how many people are doing Led Zeppelin songs? Where they're going, it's that one where he goes, has a purple alligator in a 16 year old hand.

[C]

Like.

[A]

I mean they must have just been doing that, right? They wouldn't know the name of anything.

[D]

Did any of you call radio stations when you were a kid?

[A]

Oh yeah, hold on. Dawson as an outro, forgot about that Nicaraguan Nam, that tune. Brought to you by namm, the national association of Music Merchants. Believe in [e-mail] Special thanks to Rode microphones, Taylor acoustic guitars and Presonus digital consoles. And for playing along, thanks to Alan Parsons. On tour now with the Alan Parsons Live project. Visit Alan Parsons and music.com. forgot about that one. So. Yeah, I used to call radio stations. Used to be a big deal.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And you'd call in and you'd be on hold and there's a couple things. I could never figure it out for the life of me. Brian, maybe you know something about this. Being a former phone service screener for Loveline, I would sit there at KROC in the morning when, you know, Jimmy was doing the sports and I was doing Mr. Burcham. And I'd hear Kevin Amin go, they were 106.7, you know, so they go, the 106 caller is going to walk away with this Schwinn mountain bike. And then I would see the poor phone, Serena going, call number two, call number three, call number four, call number five. And at a certain point I could go out and take a shit and I'd come back, back, call her 68, call her 67. And it'd be like. Or the other way around. But the point is, once you make A call number five and let's get on with our fucking lives.

[C]

I did that at more than one point because I was also a call screener during the day before that for kroc.

[A]

And there are a couple times where we had to go through. Sometimes it was 20 calls and every

[C]

once in a while it was 106 calls.

[A]

But it was.

[B]

Did you say caller number? Sorry, yeah. Or did you.

[C]

No, I'd go through as quickly as possible too.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

I'm serious.

[C]

But I'm saying, why would I?

[A]

By law, you can't just let the phone ring for 20 minutes and then pick up a ghost. We got a winner. You have to physically go through anytime you're giving away a prize. And by the way, I've talked to some folks about this. This kind of stuff where it's like, well, if you want to give away something, then you got to go down and get a permit. Like, how about government? You just let me give away something. Fuck you. This is my fucking mountain bike. I give it to who I fucking choose. You know what I mean? Like, so what? Only 105 calls came in and I fucked up by one. Like, how much government intrusion do we need in the me giving away a mountain bike thing? And then they go, well, yeah, but if they did you, then what about when Dr. Pepper has those guys throw a football through a hoops? Like, I don't give a fuck if they fix that too. That's between Dr. Pepper and the guys throwing the football. I don't give a fuck. Bringing it back to what you said

[C]

last episode last week about why do we care about some things and not

[A]

others, and bringing it full circle to kroc. I used to screen calls and they would take requests, quote, unquote, but they would never play anyone's request.

[C]

They just said, write down the songs and thanks.

[A]

But they would want me to do that.

[C]

But then so this big charade, like,

[A]

why am I doing this?

[C]

But then they cared so much about.

[A]

You got to talk to every call.

[C]

You got to go through 106 calls to get to the winners.

[A]

Like, why do you care about this and not this?

[C]

Why are you.

[A]

Well, one is. One is illegal. And, and that's my point. And so why you just wouldn't make a caller number between three and five every fucking time and not make them go through 100. I mean, I would just watch them punch through a hundred calls.

[D]

I was caller like 102.7 or whatever new was in New York when I was a kid. I was nine, my brother was 11, and we won a copy of Hot Rocks by the Rolling Stones. And it was my first exposure to the glamour of radio because when my parents called, whatever, to get the problem, they said, oh, we can't mail it. You have to come pick it up. Yeah, we had to drive in from Jersey and I remember going to see a broken down DJ and like, showing me a, you know, worn copy of Hot Rocks.

[A]

I called into KROC and Loveline when I was like 19 and living in my apartment just to, like, prank him on a Sunday night.

[D]

Have you ever found the tape of

[A]

that pranked Dr. Drew? Yeah, there is somewhere. And I'll find it. I'll tell you what's no joke. Evoice, baby. You want to make some money in 2013? Let me turn you on to Evoice. You can give out one toll free number that rings wherever you are. Beach, bar, doesn't matter. Beach bar, the bar and the beach. It does not matter. And sounds like you're in the office. You never miss a call. Except for all the clanking and the volleyball playing in the background. Yeah, and the wage crash and the people asking for ways to get into their lobster claws. All right, so customers call, they hear your own professional greeting. Dial by name directory and more. Only 10 bucks a month. But I got a deal for you. Such a deal. As David's people would say right now, my listeners can try either the Irish.

[D]

Don't say that.

[A]

Free. Six months. Free six months. Almost half. Half an entire half a year. Six months. Free. Go to evoice.com, promo code Adam. Or just go to Adamcroll.com and click on the Evoice banner. All right. Sebastian Bach's walking around back there somewhere, right?

[D]

Yeah. He's actually tweeting already pictures of, I think, his girlfriend and Evel Knievel picture here. So he's here.

[A]

He's here. And is Dag around. I'm not sure where Dagaroni ended up up. Maybe he didn't make it. Make it out. All right, so I think what we should do is take ourselves a quick break and bring Sebastian Bach in here. Shall we not? Yeah, why don't we just. You want to just herd him in here? Yeah, why don't we do that? All right, we're going to.

[D]

You know, when you first had me in, he was one of the first people I wanted to invite in. Not because I haven't seen him in years. I did a cover story on Rolling Stone years ago. But I just think you're gonna love him. If you ever meet. Did you ever meet him in the radio?

[A]

I want to say no, but then every time I see that someone goes, yeah, we did love line back in the day. And then I forgot and then I feel like an ass wipe. So I'm just gonna do that thing where I don't go, nice to meet you. I just go, how you doing? And then he'll never know.

[C]

Good to see you.

[A]

Good to see you.

[D]

Except he's listening right now, so maybe that might have blown that.

[A]

Yeah. New album, Apocalypse Now.

[D]

The dvd, I think.

[A]

Oh, it says album here, but there's a DVD and a double live CD available on Amazon. And you know what to do. You go through AdamCroll.com you click on the Amazon banner. Kapow. Nice to meet you, Sebastian. Good to see you.

[C]

Yeah, you should see my girl. She's being very shy right now.

[A]

I will, I will take a good long.

[C]

She's more interesting to look at than I am.

[A]

Well, your hair's nice.

[C]

I do have flax and locks.

[A]

David, give him that chair. If you would give him the right chair. Sebastian, I'm really interested in your Broadway career. I'm really interested in and how. I mean, one of the few guys that probably made it out of the 80s hair bands and onto Broadway.

[C]

I don't know where they get that term hair band. It's like if don't they notice me for my music?

[A]

Like, I mean, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ Superstar, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Jekyll and Hyde, all that kind of stuff. Is that because you didn't get strung out on drugs and you have pipes?

[C]

Singing? Eight shows a week is not for the faint hearted. You have to love singing. And just the physical workload of doing eight shows a week is brutal.

[A]

Harder than being on the road and being in a band.

[C]

Well, you're singing all the time. Like you're singing every single night. And then you're doing two shows on Saturday, you're doing two shows on Sunday, and it's that 11am matinee that is the killer. On a Sunday afternoon after you get your body acclimated to going on at 8 o' clock every night, right? To do it at like the lunch hour is really where you earn your money. And I would be like sleeping in bed. I go, I can't do this. And then I would say, well, I can either give my understudy my money or I can go get the scrazosilich.

[A]

Do they?

[C]

And I would go down. Or I go, give me my Money.

[A]

How devastated would your understudy get when you got that big check of Scribotilich Scrozelich. Yeah, I mean that too.

[C]

I'm a rapper now, but so obviously

[A]

you have to protect your voice, right?

[C]

You have to warm it up. When I did Jekyll and Hyde, Jekyll and Hyde has 16 songs in the show for the lead, and they didn't want him the lead in Jekyll, Hyde doing two shows a day because it wouldn't sound good. By the end of 38 songs, you're like, okay, dude, take a rest.

[A]

Right, right.

[C]

But Jekyll and Jesus Christ Superstar.

[D]

You played the Jew in Jesus Christ Superstar.

[A]

Right?

[C]

I played the big guy. I played the dude.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But. But the devil gets the cooler tunes, which is always the way it works.

[A]

So how do you warm. How does one warm up their voice?

[C]

It's a boring answer, that. There's a scale, an Italian opera scale called bel canto, which is an old technique of singing. When I first joined skid Row in 1987, Jon Bon Jovi sent me to this guy, Don Lawrence, who taught me these scales that go back to, like, the 1800s. Everybody from Tony Bennett warms up to these scales to Lady Gaga to Christina Aguilera to Robert Davi.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Yeah. The actor Robert Davi, who was in here.

[A]

Came in here. Yeah,

[C]

it's an Italian. Just Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. It's about tone. It's about projection. There's no amplification on a theater stage. It's like supplementary mics that are, like, taped to your head and.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

So you really got to belt it out. And I, I, I'm not supposed to say this, but I just signed on from my fifth leading Broadway role that it's starting this.

[A]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. How tough is it to. I mean, if it's something that's material you're not familiar with, you have to learn all the songs. You have to learn all the choreograph movements. You have to learn the lines of the play.

[D]

I remember I was actually, because I lived here, but I was desperate to see you in Jekyll and Hyde Sebastian. And by the time I got there, it was David Hasselhoff. I said, oh, you know, I think I'll. I don't really need to see this that much. Didn't he follow you? He followed you.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

He showed him the, the track. It was Jack Wagner before me. And then I came in and, and, you know, the Hoff came in and he didn't get the best reviews as Jekyll and Hyde. And, you know, I felt for him, but there was no difference between his Jekyll and his Hyde. He'd be like. He'd be like, all that you are is a face in the mirror. I close my eyes and I don't do this.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Or Hyde. When he did it, you couldn't really tell.

[A]

I knew the cat. That didn't have a lot of range. When I saw the Knight Rider episode where his evil twin was driving a semi truck came after him and Kit and his evil twin looked exactly like him, but he had a goatee. And his. They both. They both were really bad at acting. So I. I don't know. Is there ever Just a happy go. Lucky twin. I always feel like it's the evil twin that shows up in the movie. It's not like the super jovial twin showed up.

[D]

Ultimately, I think that's what sung Baywatch Nights because it was very much like Baywatch Days.

[A]

It didn't.

[D]

There was not a lighting and there

[A]

was no Baywatch Nights. I had one of the most incredible conversations with one of. Oh, shit. Donna Dierico, okay. Who was married to Nikki. Sick.

[D]

A lot of guys say they had the most incredible conversation with Donna Dia. How many times have I heard that phrase?

[A]

Donna Dierko got drunk and couldn't pronounce her last name. To be fair. Remember that, Brian? She was like, I'm dying. She also has a tough last name. It's kind of a mouthful.

[C]

Apostrophe fucks you up.

[A]

And she was drinking a lot of white wine and she fucked up her. When you say her last name. But it's a tough last name. But I was speaking. I think it was her. And I was saying, what's Hasselhoff doing doing the Baywatch Nights? Because he's amassed a small fortune with the syndication. Owns a piece of Baywatch. It's one of the most highly syndicated shows in the world. I mean, that show throws up more fucking money than General Electric. And I said, what is he doing? And she was like, he wants. Look, he's still a creator. He's still an artist. And he wants to explore his artistic side. And I was like, baywatch Nights is about. It's literally like Sasquatch is under the pier. What do you mean? He wants to explore his fucking artistic side. Should make a documentary. Wants to explore his artistic side. It's fucking nuts.

[D]

I am not proud to say this. I was interviewed about David Hasselhoff yesterday for a German documentary about the wall falling.

[A]

Oh, he brought it down.

[D]

But my favorite. Which he thinks. But my favorite fact is that he blames O.J. you know, for his singing career not taking off because Three Way Chase.

[A]

He had a Pay per view.

[D]

The Pay Per view the Night. I always thought it was the best cover up. I think he paid OJ to run because it was a good excuse.

[C]

Well, you talk about partying. Like, how did I get on Broadway? When I first got on there, everybody said, dude, don't tell them about rock and roll and how you guys live and stuff. I got on there. Those Broadway people showed me how to party. Really, after the show. It's a big drinking wine kind of now.

[D]

Do you go to the.

[A]

Do you go to the speakeasy, the Hidden Place?

[C]

Big into Red wine on Broadway. Big. Big into that for the vocals.

[A]

But I. I went and saw a show with David Alan Greer in it, Race. And afterward we went to Little Hidden, Unmarked, kind of Special Knock, and they let you in, and Kristin Chenoweth is up there with whoever else, and. And everyone's in their own little booth. And I realized that's where they go to hang out after the show.

[C]

Well, you know, like, Phantom of the Opera's been on Broadway for, like, over 15 years, and there's people in that cast that have been. Been in it since the inception, and they're, like, called Broadway Trolls. They, like, just go and they do

[A]

the thing, and then they go and do their thing.

[C]

But, you know, you talk about David Hasselhoff partying. I always thought it was funny when they said, oh, he has to go to rehab because he drank the whole contents of the minibar in his room. I go, that's standard operating. Proceed. That's like, just getting warmed up. Like the minibar. I killed a bunch of these tiny little things full of booze, like, at least five of them.

[D]

When I was doing. When I was doing it, when I was doing a cover story on.

[C]

Wow, Dude.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

And then I ate a cheeseburger on the floor. Holy macaroni.

[D]

The last time I spent a lot of quality time with Sebastian was when I was doing a cover story, and he was the COVID 1995, I think it was. You were on the road with Guns N Roses?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

That was a rock and roll cover.

[C]

Of what?

[D]

Rolling Stone magazine.

[A]

Yeah, just like the Dr. Hook song. Red Magazine.

[C]

That's it.

[A]

Red Book. So what was it like going out with Guns N Roses?

[C]

I just played with them last New Year's Eve at the joint in Las Vegas, and I spent Thanksgiving with Axl how is Axel? He's an intense dude.

[A]

He seems so easygoing.

[C]

Well, no, here's the scene. He's not motivated by fame or money. He doesn't want to be any more famous. It's not. He likes his rock and roll. Here's a story I tell to encapsulate his personality just in a little bit. I was on this VH1 reality show super group while it was a group. And I was on tour with him in Italy, and we had a big dinner with Axel and the Guns N Roses and the road crew and everything. And I'm sitting there and I'm all excited. Like, I get excited. And Axel's very kind of, you know, down and dark. And he's not down, but he's. He's pretty dark. So I'm like, dude, I'm on this reality show on VH1, man. It's hilarious. It's two weeks work, and they paid me this much for two weeks work. And if they paid me that for two weeks, they'd give you, like, I don't know, a million bucks or something. It looks at me like this. He's getting madder and madder, and he goes, sebastian, you don't understand. And I go, what? He goes, I will pay VH1 $2 million to leave me the fuck alone. And the whole. And I go, wow, okay, I got a bad idea.

[A]

The whole room's like, hold on a second. I need a fedora and some fake horn rim glasses, like clear lenses high. I'm representing V. VH1. Mr. Rhodes, I've spoke to your associate Sebastian. Box of an attache case here. Yeah. I don't go to his house and get $2 million. I'm sure he has it on him.

[C]

We were at Bungalow 8 in Manhattan, me and Axel once. And the vice president of VH1 comes up to our table. He's like, sebastian, introduce me to Axel. And I go, okay, dude, no problem. I'm not thinking as usual.

[A]

I go, axl, too many mini bottles of red wine.

[C]

Yeah, me and the Hoff are killing it. He goes, yeah, this is the vice president of VH1. And Axl looks at him, he goes, VH1, huh? I go. He goes, you guys have been me around for a long time, man.

[A]

And he goes, ah. And I go, wow, that's really true.

[E]

He.

[D]

He used to like me relatively for a journalist, but I was in the behind the music they did eight years ago.

[C]

He doesn't like that.

[D]

And he cut me off. And then this is the story. I think I've told you this, but this was when my father was dying. I got a. This is like three years ago. I get a. A call saying, axel wants you to apologize. And I'm like, for what? And I'm sitting literally in hospice, and he goes for a 1994 article on Guns N Roses. This is three years ago. And I said, I didn't write that article. He goes, you know, he just want. He knows that. He just wants you to apologize.

[A]

So is. Is his ego. J just. He's a great guy, by the way.

[D]

He's a charming guy, which people don't get.

[C]

He's just not motivated by the things that other people are motivated by.

[A]

Allison's belch finally came out.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

Well, no.

[B]

What?

[A]

What? Here. Here's.

[D]

You're embarrassing me for some question.

[A]

You know when you take people and you know when you remove the. You got to work and you got to make money. Yeah. Like you. You remove that factor from his life. Right, right. Because of royalties and all that kind of stuff.

[C]

Not caring.

[A]

Not caring, but not having to care either.

[C]

There's some of that. But I mean, okay, when you play like, Wembley Stadium and you go on three hours late and you incur 400 grand worth of late charges, right? You don't give a fuck. Some guys could say, I don't give a fuck. That's really not giving a fuck.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Like doing half of the show with the house lights on.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Like, who does that?

[A]

Right? So would you. Would you say that he could be medicated or should be medicated?

[C]

I think he's self medicating.

[A]

Oh, he's self medicating.

[C]

Well, I don't know. I'm not gonna.

[A]

Dawson, you have. You have a story. Yeah, actually, I just wanted to tell Sebastian the very first concert I ever saw in my life was Skid row and Aerosmith, 1990 at the Cow palace in San Francisco.

[C]

I remember that night.

[A]

My brother and I walk in the door, we walk into the floor. Ga at the. At the Cow Palace. Just as someone hucks a firecracker at you.

[C]

Not a good move.

[A]

You stop the concert.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you yelled, where is that? Find him. And beat the out of him.

[C]

I don't like getting firecrackers with Tabby.

[A]

Me and my brother watch this whole just uproar in front in the pit. Somebody got the kicked out. Was it the Asian kids Boogie Nights? Yeah, it must have been. He was on Aerosmith's Writer. Oh, wow. Wow.

[C]

I remember that gig for a very specific reason. My bass player of Skid Row used to wear a nose chain affixed from his. His right nostril.

[A]

Is this going to hurt my teeth?

[C]

Well, this is why I remember that that night was the first night I met Metallica and James Hetfield came back and he comes up to me, he's all drunk, and he goes, oh, my God. I go, what?

[A]

He goes, you really look like that.

[C]

And I go, what?

[A]

You're scaring me.

[C]

And then he goes over to my bass player who had this nose chain, and he goes. He goes. He goes, dude, did you ever worry about maybe somebody came up and did this? And he just twists his fist and his nose goes one way and his ear goes the other way.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And that was the last time I ever saw him wear a nose chain.

[A]

Yeah, I feel like this is like you just tying fishing string around your balls and tying the other end to, like, you know, a paper weight and just letting it swing around. Like, first off, what good could come of this? Like, there's no upside to this. With a huge potential downside. You know, the chain going from the nostril to the ear. No upside. With a lot of possible downside.

[D]

I think it was at the guys in Skid Row, if I remember correctly, because Sebastian ended up on the COVID alone because he is a rock. He is and was and always will be a rock star. No, but the rest of that group, it was not a lot of personality or charisma. And I think that was like having a nose ring was at least that

[A]

would be something he was trying to

[D]

get to notice him.

[A]

His nostril niche. Going for the nostril niche.

[D]

Name your second favorite member of Skid Row. You can't do it.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Dude, no.

[D]

Now there's none.

[A]

Sebastian Bach. How do you get started? Like, where do you come up? When do you realize you got the pipes? When do you form the band?

[C]

Like, I was the lead soprano, my church choir, when I was 8 years old in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada. And that's where I fell in love with singing, was through church music. And I used to wear the Cossack and the gown. And I would show up a Tuesday night and Thursday night for rehearsal, and then Sunday morning at 7am and I went on the road when I was like nine, we went to upstate New York and sang it in church.

[A]

Can I say how refreshing it is to hear this come out of a white person's voice? It's the first time a white, white human being has ever said church is what introduced me.

[D]

It was a demonic, satanic church, but it was a church.

[C]

But you guys were talking about calling radio stations. I was listening to that the very first time I was ever on the radio. I had a button of the local radio station on my shirt. And I was walking down the street, some guy comes up with a microphone. He goes, you are the winner of the contest. And I was like a little kid. I go, what's. What the fuck? He goes, you just won the first album by the band Boston. And I was like, you know, nine. I go, killer. And they interview me on the street. And then my mom was driving me around, and we went to a grocery store. She went in to get groceries, and they go, and next up, we have the latest winner of the CKPT Radio Boston contest. Sebastian from Peterborough is the winner.

[A]

And they interview me up on the radio. There's nobody in the car for me to fuck.

[C]

I was like, this is me on the radio, dude. I didn't say dude there. But that was the first time I used to call the radio stations. And that was fun. Win stuff.

[A]

It was just a big deal.

[C]

It was fun.

[A]

I ran into the burner Mary Turner from KMET a few weeks back in Santa Barbara. And it was a big deal for. And everyone had a nickname and everyone was famous and. Or maybe it was just us. Maybe it wasn't. They were big. Maybe we were small. I think maybe it was that. And it was just pre everything. And for some reason, these guys were just like, sure.

[C]

Local celebrity Rodney Bingenheimer. I saw him at IHOP and I was freaking out.

[A]

Must have been double Godhead for you.

[D]

No, but think of this. There wasn't right before. That's right before mtv, right? So there was no mtv. There was only Rolling Stone. Rock and roll wasn't on tv. That was your only way to get to. It was through the radio.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

For me it was like Circus magazine and Cream rock scene. And like all I had was the. Just the. The pictures of the bands and the interviews was Cream. Never would see them.

[A]

I forgot about Cream because you got Rolling Stone.

[C]

Cream was my favorite.

[A]

You got a band called the Rolling Stones and then you have a band called called Cream.

[D]

Cream was the magazine was. With two E's.

[C]

Yes, that's all it was Hilarious magazine.

[A]

And. But that was another. That'd be a weird trivia question. Another band that was named or another magazine that had the same name as a rock band.

[C]

I remember being 12. And the first article on Motley Crue that I ever read was in Cream magazine where Vince Neil described in detail how to smoke angel dust out of a Bic pen in school. And I was like going, the more

[D]

you know, it's like killer goes.

[C]

You cover up that little hole in the middle and you put some paper in the end and you put the angel. I was like, fuck. Let's hear for Cream magazine.

[D]

I will tell you that you won't remember this because you were. Because of obvious reasons, but I remember with skid Row, being backstage with you guys somewhere and I think you thought you wanted me to get high with you.

[C]

Did I?

[D]

Because the band, the band because I think they thought if I was high, I wouldn't report that they were high. Just reported they were high because no one gives a shit now how I was high.

[A]

What can you do a show? What drugs can you do a show on?

[C]

Nothing. I've never done a show fucked up.

[A]

Oh really?

[C]

I save it till later, but I make up for it.

[A]

Right? Right.

[C]

But I don't drink now.

[A]

Actually, it's not even the full size bottles.

[C]

I don't. I'm not, I don't know drinking. I'm trying very hard not to.

[A]

Not to drink.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

As of how long ago?

[C]

I went like 32 days sober. Then I had a slip and I went 72 days.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Then I had a slip and. And I'm at like. I keep trying very hard.

[D]

Yeah, he's been through a lot. His house was wiped out in that flood.

[C]

I lost a house in a hurricane.

[D]

In the hurricane.

[A]

Are you. Are you in recovery? Are you working a program?

[C]

I do go to the meeting in

[A]

for Dr. Drew and tell you what.

[C]

I thought he was going to ambush me on this show. I turned down his show many times.

[A]

He's going to repel from the sky and beat some sobriety. Dr. Drew in the hisy. No, no, wait.

[C]

Give me some Mangria.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, hey, do we have Dr. Drew doing. Do we have that crank anchors Dr. The whole thing. All right.

[D]

While you're doing that, I will say that having been around Axel and Sebastian at the same time, they were the two coherent sort of clear headed guys in each of those groups. That's why.

[A]

Oh really?

[D]

At the time, when I was with Guns, when I. The first time I met Axl, it was Guns n Roses opening for Aerosmith. And they're sort of exploding moment. And literally I went backstage to talk to the band. No one had the gift of speech other than Axel. They literally couldn't talk. They were so.

[A]

But their mouths were filled with pussy, right?

[D]

No, they were too fucked up to care about that. Even that's how bad it was.

[C]

I've got some stories about the drugs and the pussy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it, is it this feeling of. I've experienced it to some degree doing stand up shows and stuff, which is when you get off stage, you just want to get fucked up because you're like, I'm done. Like, I had to keep my shit together for, for this period of time because I had to tell jokes and I had to remember lyrics and I had to remember this to move here and to do that and to say that. And now I'm somewhere. I'm not driving myself home from the theater because I'm on the road. I'm getting into a town car or something. I'm going to a hotel room that I'll never be back in again and I can get as fucked up as I damn well please. Like I can't roll over and suffocate my kids in their sleep again. You know, I can't get arrested because it's all going to be dressing room handlers, car back to the hotel, blah, blah, blah. And I such so relieved that I'm done with this chore of being on my feet for two hours and the travel as much as I want.

[C]

Yeah, travel too, all of that. But you know, I can justify what you just said, but you know, lots of doctors get completely fucked up. Lots of, of, you know, other. I don't think it's inclusive, just to the entertainment industry, you know, I think.

[A]

No, but you have an excuse.

[C]

I mean, I mean, basically, you know, part of me when I'm not partying feels like I'm not doing my job. Like everybody wants me wherever I go. Let's have a shot, let's smoke.

[A]

But is there that much in. In on Broadway? Is there, There isn't. There's a lot, a lot of substance abuse.

[C]

No, no, not before the show. Like afterwards, it's like, it's kind of like rock and roll, right? Likes to go out to the Palm

[A]

is where they go.

[B]

But it's drug. Drugs and alcohol.

[C]

No, it's mostly red wine. That's where I got right into it.

[A]

You can hear Dr. Drew, by the way, if you want.

[D]

What are theater groupies like compared to rock and roll groupies?

[C]

Well, you know, my standard line was the rock and rollers dye their hair blue and the Broadway group groupies really have blue hair.

[D]

This is scary.

[A]

You know, I like my groupies heavyset and gay. Perfect. Here's Dr. Drew, by the way. No, no, here it comes. No. Hello. Hey, is Bo in? Okay, hold on. All right. Hello. Bo, this Adam Caroll. Hi. You know the show Loveline, right? Hell, yeah. Yeah, Good. Are you in a room that's quiet where we can talk a little bit? Well, I need to wear a jack off. Yeah, go with your jack off. Go wear your jack off.

[D]

We're in the bar.

[A]

Okay, so, Bo, what we're doing here is we're putting together a tape for MTV because we're trying to get the show back on the air. Oh, hell yeah, man. And we're gonna have Drew kind of hip it up a little. Be a little more urban. Okay, Dr. Drew in the hisy. All right, so let's just take it like a regular Loveline call, and we'll just start at the beginning. BO18, you're on loveline. What's your problem? Well, the problem is I have no sex life. But why don't you got no play, playa? I don't know. So you ain't hitting the skins, motherfucker. You undoubtedly are looking to get the throbbing guzzle.

[D]

You see what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, I feel ya. In the meantime, you're sitting in the hisy by yourself thinking about Areolapalooza action.

[D]

In the meantime, your dong ain't doing shit. Hey, look, we heard when the call picked up.

[A]

You got all those shorties running around there. You gotta get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk. You feeling me? Your church. You feeling me? Yeah, I hear. Yeah, I hear you. If you had a hisy, you'd be out of the house. I'm telling you, nigga, that it would

[D]

put you into the mode where you

[A]

would have no problem. Problem to get that freaky going 24.

[D]

Seven flowing semen here in your house. In your hizzy for Chizzy.

[A]

Go with the flow. Don't talk like it. Talk the way you want to so I don't have to use all that free couture up the ass. Areola palooza, Mafio Tang, throbbing guzzle crap in the ass, Right? Fuck them. Be yourself. Who gives a what they want?

[D]

Look, I'm telling you, don't be a player hater. Because when you tap her in the

[A]

ass, you ain't gonna be interested in

[D]

pistol robbing no more.

[A]

And the digit is dizzy and in

[D]

the hisy for Chizzy gonna be great on the qt.

[A]

For real. Stay fresh. Mega. All right, all right.

[D]

Peace out.

[B]

Someone write that for him.

[A]

No, what we would do the way we did Crank anchors. Not for me, of course, but for some of the folks is we'd have we'd be in a studio like this and we would just call. We'd have a list of people to call, but they wouldn't know we were calling. They wouldn't know what we're doing. And we'd have guys with like dry erase boards, like holding a thing up. They going like throb and guzzle, you know. That's why Drew would just look up and go, you gotta hit that hisy for Chizzy, you know. And they'd been the dry race, dry erase, hold it up, hold it up again. And they just keep like three guys, like just, you know, just erasing stuff and riding Areola Palooza stuff on there. That's why mainly, like, you know, when Jimmy would do a call or I'd do a call or Sarah Silverman do a call or something like that, it was pretty much do the call because you never knew where it was going to go. But when we'd get some celebrity in there like Dr. Drew or. I remember once one of my favorite favorite ones was, oh, who was it? Jeff. Oh, Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum. We had him call everyone that we called from season one and say he was an attorney representing in season two. Jeff Goldblum called as an attorney representing a class action lawsuit against the producers of Crank Anchors. And it was like the greatest thing ever because people are so paper thin and they're so fucking greedy. And they go, bullshit, you're not going to get me again. And you say there's some pretty deep pockets here. Those producers have a lot of money. You're leaving money on the table. And they'd go, no, not interested, not going to do it again. And they'd go, all right, well, that's fine then if you don't want in on any of the money. And they go. And they go, just let me ask you a question. When the phone rings, you ever scared to pick it up? Think about it. The person goes, sometimes, yeah. Yeah, we're pretty nervous when the phone rings. And it took every single person and fucked with them once again.

[B]

It was good times and did that air.

[A]

Yeah, I think that aired. I think we had Eminem doing calls. The only bad ones we ever had was Andy Dick wouldn't. He wouldn't come out of his bathroom. We flew his ass out to Vegas and every time we called his hotel room and a young Asian lad with possibly a firecracker going off in the background answered the phone and said, Andy wasn't well, so it wasn't a bad call. It just never happened. No. Well, no. At a certain point, I said, fuck it. We're gonna crank Yank Andy. Like, we'll call him and we'll do a call about him to him and him locked in the bathroom doing cocaine. Well, is what. That's what his puppet will do. But he somehow knew we were gonna do that anyway. Good time. Shall we. Should we do. Should we do a little news? Should we take a break? Do we need to take a break? Yeah, why don't you queue up? Queue up the news. I'll give a little love to Legal Zoom. I think Jeff Goldblum represented these folks. LegalZoom. You want to start your own business? Good news. It's national. Start your business month again. They've rolled it over. That's right. We're starting businesses and it's extending into March. And you want to start an LLC S Corp. Sole proprietorship nonprofit, LegalZoom. They will take care of you, start to finish. Soup to nuts. Their Legal Zoom baby. Start your business right with legalzoom.com. i gotta tell you that I did start my business with legalzoom.com. i started forming my LLC. It took 25 minutes for a phone call. All the paperwork's going through. Got a legal attorney from LegalZoom calling me tomorrow at 2pm wow. It was super easy. Very, very quick. And while I was on the phone with one Legal Zoom guy, another Legal Zoom guy was calling me me to ask me if I had any questions. LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services to your specific direction. Now, every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accounting software, a $269 value free. Be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family and safeguard your [e-mail] today. All right. Sebastian Bach went and chased his girlfriend out to the hot dog truck. By the way, that sounds metaphor. That sounds better than the boneyard. I'm taking you the hot dog truck, sweetie.

[B]

She gave him the finger on her way out. And I can't tell if that was a joking finger or a genuine one.

[A]

I think it was genuine, because the joking finger you don't go running down the parking lot.

[B]

So anyway, maybe she went out there to look at posters. Maybe she's not in the parking lot. We'll find out soon.

[A]

We'll find out. So rock and roll. She did not seem happy. All right, so Sebastian will join us when he's done straightening out his own legal issues. And we'll do some news with Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[C]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[E]

It's Allison. Allison.

[A]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip.

[C]

It's Allison.

[B]

I hope he comes back. He's hilarious. And he smells good.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So you, you're familiar with Westboro Baptist Church? Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Love and acceptance.

[A]

Well, they picketed my show when I was in like one of the Carolinas or something. I, I, I, I just remember, I, I'm not flattering myself. I just, I, I was in the neighborhood, like literally down the street. So they went, you know, this is low hanging fruit. And speaking of fruit, gays got a. Yeah. Target of opportunity.

[B]

Well, that's their whole thing. They protest anything where they will get attention. And their whole thing is that God hates fags and, you know, just garden variety hatred. So anyway, a guy bought a house across the street from their compound and painted it in the gay pride flag color as a way of saying, hey, fuck you. Wow, I kind of love this.

[A]

Now we're looking at the photo, which

[B]

you can [e-mail] It's a rainbow house.

[A]

Now I'm confused because they're painting the color of the sticker on the cruiser of the West LA Sheriff's Department. But is that the same color as the gay flag?

[B]

It is.

[A]

What?

[B]

Curious.

[A]

Do you know that the West LA cruisers have the gay flag on the side of the car?

[D]

Yes, I do.

[A]

That's so progressive. All right. I love this, by the way. Actually, it kind of works.

[B]

I know you wouldn't think to paint your house this way, but it's not unattractive.

[A]

You know what? I, I'm turning the corner on the gay flag.

[B]

Where were you before?

[A]

I was like, you know what? You guys are trying too hard. You know what I mean?

[B]

You think they should have just gone with like an Italian flag? Three colors?

[A]

Yeah, you're a little bit, you know what I mean? Maybe, you know, Italian, French, you know what I mean?

[B]

Or even Japanese.

[A]

Two color, simple, subtle, you know what I mean? Like you're overcompensating. Like, whenever you see you show me a country with a busy flag, I'll show you a country whose ass we can easily kick. Like when they have the, they have all the crazy fucking dragons and all the arrows and all the shit going all different directions to me that says

[B]

you're a dynasty that doesn't exist anymore.

[A]

Yeah, there's like way too much gold that Shit. You're trying. When you try it, when you're trying too hard on your flag.

[B]

Flag or a crest.

[A]

Yeah, it's too much.

[C]

Can I point out that our flag is very busy?

[A]

It is. Yes, I know, but we. See, we're grandfathered in in the busy flag department. We started early and often with that. Yeah. So the gay flag. Zoe's tried a little too hard. Like, we get it. You guys like to party, but you don't need every fucking color in the rainbow.

[B]

I don't think that's what it's supposed to be.

[A]

That's what it's saying. That's what it's saying. Open for business is what they're saying. Ah. You know, I never thought about it, but if you took that Japanese flag and he just made the dot brown. Anyway, I'm gonna kick some ideas around, but the point is, I love doing this, and I love it when free speechers get nailed with free speech. You know what I mean? Where they go, hey, it's our constitutional right to go ahead and march at, you know, at funerals of fallen, you know, Marine. Marine heroes. Well, then it's their right to buy the house and give it the super jolly Roger pain scheme.

[B]

Let's talk about the rainbow for one second. Why is it the province of gays and children? I was thinking that, like, there's not really anything rainbow in my world anymore. But when you're a little kid, everything is rainbow. There's a lot you even learn. Roy G. Biv, you learn about the rainbow a lot.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

It's not like children appreciate color more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what is that?

[A]

I don't know. I remember it was like. It was. You know, for me, it was lucky charms and the occasional rainbow. But they didn't settle over North Hollywood that often. They'd usually move on.

[C]

They just pass by.

[A]

They skip the rainbow. Be like, you know, let's go to Studio City or go over the hill into Palisades. Let's not do it out of the Corolla house. There's no pots of gold floating around here. Occasional toilet hasn't been flushed, but that's about as good as we're gonna do do.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Well, I like it.

[B]

Uh, so Jeopardy. Is going to be replacing. Or Alex Trebek is going to be leaving Jeopardy.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Eventually. Most likely 2016. And so there are rumors about who will replace him. And Matt Lauer is one of the names that's been tossed about. And also Anderson Cooper.

[A]

Mm. Mm. Yeah.

[B]

What are your thoughts? Do you have thoughts about Alex Jordan, I.

[A]

You know, there's a sort of thing where he kind of acts like he knows the answer, which is kind of interesting and seems kind of like a super douche by most accounts, but I've never had any bad run ins with him. I don't know him personally. I have no. I have no idea. He's starting to look like Mr. Brady in the later years. In his later years, he grew the mustache out. He got a little of the Jheri curl, like the white man's gray Jheri curl going. And Trebek is sort of following that Bob Reed. He was gay, right?

[D]

Robert Reed.

[A]

Robert Reed, yeah. Yeah, he was. Yeah. Well, you can tell by the side of his house. Oh, they had the gay flag. That was a picture of his house. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a bizarre coincidence. Yeah.

[B]

I just don't like what I. I love Jeopardy. I'm okay with Alex Trebek. I don't like the way he over pronounces foreign words that I feel is douchey.

[A]

Yeah, there's something douchey about him. But he's the douche, you know? You know what I mean?

[B]

I think.

[A]

I feel like he would say he's our douche.

[B]

I'm pretty sure he says medieval. Medieval. There's an extra syllable in there.

[D]

Anyway, Jay Leno could be available. He'd be good at that. Funny man.

[B]

A story that I wanted to get to on Friday. Friday was. Sorry, Thursday was Twitter's seventh anniversary. Isn't it crazy that Twitter has been around for seven years?

[A]

Yeah, and, well, sort of it is. And then it also feels like there's never been a time where it hasn't existed. But time is all fucked up for me now because seven years is not what it used to be. I mean, seven years is junior high and high school combined for most people. For me, it's one year less than junior high and high school combined. My junior high started in the seventh grade for my buddy Ray. He was able to stretch it into seven years, but that is sixth grade through graduating high school, which if when you look back on your life, that was the biggest chunk there was. You double. Your mask doubled. I mean, so many things happened in that time. You have all these memories and all these friends and all these experiences, and now it's just like, oh, yeah, I was doing that morning show, then forgot about that.

[B]

Do you feel like the reason that time speeds up as you get older is because when you're younger, like from two to four, well, that's half your life. Two Years is half your life.

[A]

Yeah, obviously. It's. It's Robert Reed.

[B]

Thank you for finding images of Alex Trebek and Robert Reed. Wow.

[A]

Yeah, they do. I'll tell you when they make the Robert Reed Bob we hardly knew you story. I think Trebek. Who knows, Maybe this is why he's leaving to do the. They look a lot alike.

[D]

They look like a charming couple, don't they?

[A]

They do.

[D]

They have chemistry somehow.

[A]

Yeah, there's not. I don't feel like there's enough gay couples looking like each other, you know, I'd like to see more of that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Obviously, once in a while you see the heterosexual couple and they're both wearing the same like Donald Duck hoodie or something, and you go, well, that's fucking lame. But one has a cock and the other has a vagine. You know, one's got a mustache, the other has a little bit of a mustache, but you know what I'm saying? They're never really gonna be twinsies, you know?

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

If I was gonna. Going gay, you know, you'd look for you. Yeah. I'd hang out. Pete's Empress, you know, someone like that and possibly one of the Brady's. You know what I mean? That could be really cool to have a dude. You know, we'd grow. I'd grow the same mustache, you know, wear the. Wear the same, like, wear the same cap, you know, if you were going

[B]

to be into guys. In reality, if you were to be into guys, what kind of guy do you think you'd be into?

[D]

Present company accepted.

[A]

Yeah. Just to make it a little less awkward for you. Well, I would.

[D]

You said J.T. the other night. Yeah, I. Justin Timberlake.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, first off, I'd want it to be a low impact session, you know, So I would go a kind of. I'd either go Asian or Anderson Cooper. I know it sounds like a cop

[B]

out, but I don't. I didn't know what he is or isn't packing.

[A]

Well, what I'm saying is he's sort of smooth. He looks a little like Rachel Maddow, you know, he kind of looks like a chick, she kind of looks like a dude, but they both kind of look like they met in the middle. Like, if you picture Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper and we'll find them, they kind of look like they merged into one super being. You know what I mean? Without genitalia or twice the genitalia. Either none or double.

[B]

It's definitely an even number.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Like maybe A penis in the front of a giant in the back or something like. Well, I'm just saying, if you look at. If you see the two of them, they're kind of. It. It's like in Bewitched when Elizabeth Montgomery, swinging sister cousin Serena would come down, it'd be her with dark hair and, like, go, go glasses or something. And it was like you were too stupid to know that was the same human being. But I'm telling you, Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper kind of this. If Anderson Cooper put the wig on and the glasses. I mean. Anyway, I would go for someone who looked like. I would. I would go for me. Yeah, you.

[B]

Or Asian dog.

[A]

No, I go Asian and I'd go Asian spinner. You know, like under 125 pounds.

[B]

Do you want to have some acrobatic sex or just.

[A]

I want no to mean no.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

So what about people who choose a Yorkie for a dog?

[A]

Yeah. Like, I don't want a bear. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Because I think sometimes if I were to be into women, would I go for an androgynous woman or would I go for a lipstick lesbian? I don't know.

[D]

You're saying more so there's no experience to draw upon.

[A]

No.

[B]

I missed the window where everyone went gay in college because you had to.

[A]

Very disappointed. More of a doggy dog.

[D]

Damn you. It was better not knowing. At least I could think about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, as far as I know, there's a lot I don't remember.

[C]

So then this isn't your cup.

[A]

Sebastian's back. I love pies. All right, next story. What do we got?

[B]

Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together.

[A]

Remember? I think they went and tested the blowjob market and said, you know what? You know, it's funny because I was thinking about this. We talk. I talk about this all the time. When John Mayer and Katy Perry break up, it's easy because they both just. They have a mirror in the fucking house, and they. They both look and they both go look. There was a time when it was really fun to fuck the other person because it was novel. But I'm Katy Perry. I can fuck whoever I want. And John Mayer goes, I'm John Mayer. I can fuck whoever I want. And so I. Breaking up is as easy as, hey, do you want to go fuck someone other than me, but who's really hot and famous and rich? And you go, yes, I do. How about you? Yes, I do.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then you go, fine. We go separate ways and there's never, like, Katy Perry's in a fetal position and won't come out of her room. And it's been six months now. No, because she just moves on to rock star, celebrity du jour. And he moves on top of bimbo, model slash actress. What I call mattress du jour. And they're fucking away. And they've forgotten about each other almost immediately. And they both want to. I feel like the devitos have a slightly different dilemma. Like, that is not going to be a policy that they can implement.

[C]

That's really a couple right there. We're seeing they're together.

[B]

Yeah. But then it was announced that they were splitting up after 30 years of marriage. But now they've called off their separation.

[D]

Well, because he was seeing someone on the set of Sunny in Philadelphia.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[A]

Oh, was he?

[D]

That's the story. Was that. I think that's what.

[A]

By the way, David, if you are going to go gay and you want someone who, you know, you can share trousers with or. You know what I mean? That big hassle of having two dressers, you know what I mean? Sty never out of board shorts, you know, I mean, we met at the husky section of Sears. See.

[D]

I would like to hear Sebastian sing this song. It would be a better song.

[C]

Round in Allentown. Oh, I'm playing with Billy Joel next month.

[A]

Really?

[C]

In Australia with Van Halen.

[A]

Really?

[C]

At the Stone Music Festival.

[D]

You and David Lee Roth in the same room will be great.

[C]

And Billy Joel.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, that's gonna be good. Didn't you just have Dave on the show?

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[E]

That's great.

[D]

Actually, it was best interview I've ever heard him do.

[A]

He was great. Yeah. I mean, I. It's like one of those guys where I would qualify it with. He was great with me. I don't know what kind of experience you or the world has had with him, but he was fine. He was in a good mood that night. Who else is going to play this festival?

[C]

Buck Cherry.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Then I'm going to South Africa with Slash. I guess I am going to play Sun City.

[D]

Now you can. No, now you can.

[C]

I'm not supposed to, but.

[D]

No. Now you can.

[C]

Why?

[D]

Because it all fell. It all changed. It was cool.

[C]

Was that Hasselhoff's doing as well.

[A]

Took down the apartheid.

[C]

I think it was that scarf that lit up with the piano notes on it.

[A]

They call them white walls over there. I'd like to be the manager, by the way. Like the stage manager for the Concert. The big concert in Australia. Because I'd walk into Buck Cherry's dressing room and I'd go, okay, listen, we're gonna have Billy Joel start off, then it's gonna be Van Halen, then we're going into Sebastian Bo. And then you guys are gonna. Oh, no, wait a minute, the list was turned upside down. Sorry. You guys will be going on when they're set, people to their seats and

[D]

then the concert will begin.

[A]

Yes, sorry. That'd be fun.

[B]

All right, so Heath and Deborah Campbell, who are self proclaimed Nazis from Holland Township, New Jersey. Them, they've lost their three children. Lost custody of their children. Their kids are now named Adolf Hitler Campbell. He's six. Jocelyn, Aryan Nation, five and Honslin Hindler. Jean.

[D]

I thought you were gonna say Irving for the last. Trying to switch it up. Just sort of throw people off.

[B]

They've lost custody of their kids because of abuse and neglect.

[A]

Tasselhoff has swept in, raised him as his own.

[C]

In his red Speedo.

[A]

That's right. Swinging in, caring in his buoy, this floaty thing. Follow me to safety.

[B]

Yeah, but Heath, the father says, if I have to give up my Nazism, then so be it. I'll do it. The children are more my heart and soul and everything than anything. And he claims that they're being taken away because of their beliefs, but the courts say that's not what it is. It's that they are unfit parents. Well, all sorts of neglect.

[A]

And yeah, they're clearly insane. I mean, you look at them, they just drip insanity and name your kid Adolf Hitler.

[C]

Fuck those idiots.

[A]

I always curious what these guys do because I'm sure I've worked with a lot of these dudes on construction sites.

[B]

They feel like it's not gonna be white collar.

[A]

Ironically.

[D]

Alison, weren't you this close to. Wasn't there a Nazi? Did you have a Nazi in your life?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Well, white supremacist. He had.

[B]

He was proud of his Irish heritage. I don't know what he was. I accidentally dated someone who was into all that and I didn't realize that till I was in his bunker. I couldn't deny it anymore, but I didn't know what all the tattoos meant.

[A]

Confusing.

[D]

He's not going to a Jewish cemetery.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Well, it was weird because he liked me, so I did. I couldn't understand it at all. I mean, I understand why someone was like me, but someone like him. And also, he made fun of me because I refused to touch his guns.

[D]

How do you mean?

[B]

He was like look at you. You're so afraid. A gun is just the tool. It's like a screwdriver. Would you not touch a screwdriver? He had all sorts of AK47s. He was a frightening person. He later went to Iraq.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To. As. As what?

[B]

He enlisted.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I guess that'd be the only way he goes there.

[B]

Not necessarily. I feel like there's probably other ways.

[A]

Yeah, but this was back in the day. Yeah. Okay. You live and you learn.

[B]

Yeah. I learned now what every hate symbol is because I spent so much time after that just clicking on like one swastika shaped snowflake after another online. Just like. Because I was like, I can't. How did this happen? That I have been so ignorant of all the signs of what this is, and I don't ever want this to happen again. So I read so much stuff online, it became like a very short lived obsession. There's something called a swastikake and a swastikookie.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. Bakery confection is in the shape of swastikas.

[D]

None of the bakeries on Fairfax will

[B]

make it for you on April 20th.

[A]

You've been down to banish that one.

[D]

Yeah. Cantris doesn't do it. They won't do that.

[A]

Wow. All right, one more.

[B]

Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. This is what he said. I've been doing it too much. I've lost perspective on what I'm doing. I think it's good for me to take a break and reassess why I'm doing it and how I'm doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that.

[A]

So is he. Is there drive too, in our. In our future? Listen, joke all you want, but I'm

[C]

glad he's doing this because so many

[A]

actors who start off great end up

[C]

just kind of, you know, getting worse and worse, doing worse and worse movies, lesser and lesser projects.

[D]

He does mostly more roles for Sebastian.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you can look. Joaquin Phoenix did it, right?

[C]

Yeah. But then he did the master. He should take a break.

[A]

Yeah, but he went nuts. He said he was, you know, he grew a beard. He said he's not going to act anymore. He went on Letterman and went weird and he took a couple years off and then he came back and got nominated for Academy Awards.

[D]

Is it weird that Justin Timberlake is going back to music? These are two Mickey Mouse club superstars.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Moving away from their acting at the same time. What's going on here? Yeah, they were both in the Mickey Mouse Club.

[B]

Keri Russell too, right?

[D]

Britney Spears. Britney Spears. Christina Aguilera. Russell too, like the whole everywhere.

[B]

And before that, Lisa Wilchel and someone else from Facts of Life.

[A]

And Wesley Snipes. What's funny about that? Is it Welchel? I thought it was.

[B]

I always say it wrong.

[C]

I think it's Blair.

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Who would know?

[B]

No, actually I think I'm saying it wrong, which is weird because. You think I would know? I think it's wellchoiced.

[A]

Well, I think you're too close to it. Yeah, you're too close to it.

[B]

I can't see. Yeah, I can't see.

[A]

I mean, can I tell you when a 16 year old Adam Carolla sat next to a 16 year old Lisa Whelchel at a 16 year old Beth Ringwald's Sweet 16 party?

[B]

It's my favorite show. And he rubs it in my face.

[A]

That was the greatest. Goddamn.

[C]

It's good to take a bottle. The facts of life. The facts.

[B]

Did I tell you that Mindy Cohen Natalie was following me for like. Sorry, buddy.

[A]

Wow, Tootie. The One with the Skate. Yeah, gotcha. Jesus Christ.

[B]

She's following me for like.

[A]

Hold on, I gotta recover. Okay, go ahead.

[B]

She's following me for a second on Twitter and then she unfollowed me because there's one night where. I'm sorry if I already told this, it's very traumatic. I found her on Twitter and I followed her and then I found Mackenzie Astin who played Andy and I followed him. Then they both turned around. Well, then I discover they were both following me and like, it is all happening. Then the next morning, I go to double check on it to make sure everything was still the same as when I went to bed. Natalie no longer following me. I hadn't even tweeted. I don't understand what I did wrong.

[C]

Yeah, I think you talked about Swastikake.

[A]

Yeah, that could have been it.

[D]

That's a turn off for Mindy Cohen, I believe.

[B]

I just like to talk about it.

[A]

Sounds like something that Hitler would call one of his ladies. You know what I mean? Come on, hustle up. You know, tap her in the ass.

[D]

Can we make it up to you though, by having ebastian Bach Follow AlisonRosen?

[B]

I would love that.

[D]

That happened tonight. That would be exciting.

[C]

Okay, great. Oh, well, like no swastikunts.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

That's your new. Zip it.

[B]

I feel like it has to be.

[A]

Yeah, it has to be.

[B]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Tip it. Swastikunt.

[A]

That was the news with Alice. You are quick. Would you like some higher testosterone? How about extends ht Supports increased testosterone, increased muscle mass and increased energy and vitality. You get things straightened out with the old lady in the parking lot?

[C]

Yeah, she thought I was. She thought I was talking about pussy in my mouth and I told her that was you that said that.

[A]

Yeah. No, I put those.

[E]

Pussy.

[B]

You were talking about caring about drugs more.

[A]

That's right. Maximum performance in the bedroom. Make it up to her. Supports increased desire and libido. And if you want to try it out, because I've been popping these babies like chicklets for about the last four weeks.

[C]

Look out.

[A]

Feel like Superman. Extends higher testosterone. Go to www.buyht.com and enter the code Adam. That's www.byht.com and the code Adam. All right, where the hell Allison Rosen is your new best friend Ben Hoffman Coming up on the show, you can get it on itunes and you can get it on our app. And for more information go to alisonrosen.com we are going to be in Phoenix doing live live shows. You can watch the podcast live Friday April 5th and Saturday the 6th. Two shows each night. Come on out, say hi, we'll hoist a glass of Mangria and enjoy with you. And Vegas, House of Blues, Salt Lake City, Kingsbury hall. Me and Dr. Drew coming up. End of March, Redondo beach coming up. April sometimes time. Thanks again to the ween who made our beautiful beautiful hot dogs for us. Sebastian Bach Apocalypse now. The DVD and double live CD available on Amazon. Click your website. Show us some love Twitter ham at Sebastian Bach websites and see him live

[D]

whenever you can with Van Halen.

[A]

With Van Halen in Australia. Just a short bus ride to Australia. Australia. So until next time, this Adam Crow for Sebastian Bach, David Wild, Allison Rosen and Bob Ryan saying mahalo.

[C]

Holy macaroni.

[D]

All right, this Adam Carlos Show, 1041. Hope you guys enjoyed the episode that does it for days.

[A]

Girl Classics.

[D]

Until tomorrow. Mahalo and get it on.

[A]

At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was to trying transported to another place.

[E]

Pluto tv.

[A]

Then I heard a voice.

[D]

Come with me if you want to live.

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There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may

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cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials.

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[A]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was driving, transported to another place.

[E]

Pluto tv.

[A]

Then I heard a voice.

[D]

Come with me if you want to live.

[A]

There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2 Fringe Arrow, the 100NEX files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never.