Dennis Miller + Jo Koy (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics) – Dennis Miller + Jo Koy

Original Air Date: January 4, 2026
Episode Focus: Clips from 2013 featuring comedian Jo Koy, the “Made Up Movie” improv game, a candid discussion with sex worker and activist Kristen DiAngelo, and a longform interview with comedian Dennis Miller. Jay Mohr and the regular crew (Allison Rosen, Brian “Bald Bryan” Bishop) join for sharp banter, riffed dialogue, and raucous games.

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics edition takes listeners back to some of the most memorable bits and candid conversations from the Adam Carolla Show in 2013. Classic crew members join Adam in the studio for humor, improv, and unvarnished takes on everything from hot dog eating contests to sex work in America. Not one but two comedy heavyweights—Jo Koy and Dennis Miller—feature prominently, showing off their comedic chemistry with Adam and the rest of the crew. The improv game “Made Up Movie” is a highlight, alongside Jo Koy’s signature voices and riffs, a serious and revealing interview with Kristen DiAngelo about sex work, and a round of “Blah Blah Blog.” The tone swings from irreverent and absurd to thoughtful and sharp.

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1. Jo Koy in Studio: Hot Dog War Riffs and Classic Banter

[01:23 – 09:14]

• Adam welcomes Jo Koy back, sharing their history working together (including Jo’s infamous “Kobayashi” voice from competitive eating).
• Memorable Segment: Jo Koy delivers an extended Kobayashi hot dog-eating bit, bantering with Adam in exaggerated accents and voices about American symbols, food, and women.
  • Quote Adam (02:46): “It’s the Fourth of July. It’s Coney Island. It’s Nathan’s, and it is a hot dog. It’s a symbol. It is a symbol of America and—”
  • Jo Koy (as Kobayashi): “It is the insides of a pig… Just like America.”
• The crew riffs on Japanese vs American culture, playful stereotypes, and Jo Koy’s recurring characters.
• They rehash past show gags, like Kobayashi prank-calling Joey Chestnut and Danny Bonaduce’s over-the-top reactions.

Tone: Irreverent, rapid-fire back-and-forth, affectionate roasting.

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2. “Made Up Movie” Improv Game

[09:14 – 38:00]

• Listeners call in with fake movie titles; the crew must invent a plausible movie plot live on air.
  • “A Man’s World”
    • Envisioned as a Steve Harvey-esque or Tyler Perry ensemble film, starring Kevin Hart, Peter Dinklage, Carrot Top, and Melissa McCarthy.
    • Themes: Coming out, beards, authority figures with mustaches.
    • Quote Jo Koy (13:12): “Finally at the end of the movie, Carrot Top and Kevin—just say it: hey, we love each other.”
  • “A Case of the Mondays”
    • Becomes a riff on substitute teachers in affluent vs tough school systems, plus culture clash, with Bobby Lee as an “African American Studies” teacher.
  • “Black Tie Casual”
    • Action/thriller: guests lured to an island for mysterious purposes—mix of “Clue” and “Saw.”
    • Quote Jo Koy (32:04): “He doesn’t torture the ones that tortured him. He’s torturing their kids. Nothing hurts the parents more…”
• Format allows Jo’s impressions, the crew’s inside jokes, and Adam’s love of archetypes and tropes to shine.

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3. Adam and Jo Koy’s “P.F. Chang’s” Sketch

[34:00 – 41:00]

• Adam asks Jo to riff as a confused, semi-incompetent P.F. Chang’s host, repeatedly re-booking Adam’s reservation and mishearing his celebrity status.
  • Quote Jo Koy (35:15): “Do you like P.F. Chang’s?”
  • Adam: “Yes, we love P.F. Chang’s.”
  • Jo Koy (deadpan): “Then you should wait 15 minutes.”
• Extended, escalating miscommunications around the restaurant, Adam’s attempt to use the “celebrity card,” and Jo’s mispronunciation extravaganza.
• Demonstrates both comics’ love of uncomfortable, minutiae-driven, observational humor.

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4. Interview: Kristen DiAngelo of “American Courtesans”

[42:32 – 65:08]

• Topic: Sex work, stigma, survival, and dangerous clients.
• Kristen dives into her life as a sex worker, the evolution of the industry, safety issues, and her attempts to rebrand “prostitute” as “courtesan.”
  • Quote Kristen (54:10): “It’s a very hard temptation. If somebody needs a job and they need money—good family, bad family… It doesn’t matter… If there’s a way you could survive—and not just survive, but survive comfortably—for many women, that’s an option.”
• Adam and the crew ask both respectfully and comically probing questions, touching on safety, client motives, violence, and the legal landscape.
• A harrowing, detailed account of a violent assault (starting at 56:21), its aftermath, and thoughts on why predators target sex workers.
  • Quote Adam (61:34): “We know so much more about the human anatomy… but… with psychology, we’re fucking imbeciles.”
• Sharp commentary on social attitudes, legal hypocrisy, and personal resilience.

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5. News & Social Commentary with Allison Rosen

[66:44 – 94:00]

• Key stories and rants:
  • Fake therapy dog tags — Adam rails against abuse of “emotional support animal” rules.
    • Quote Adam (68:44): “The only thing that keeps this society in check is shame. It really is.”
  • Chris Hansen leaving NBC and To Catch a Predator — nostalgia for the show and what made it so oddly satisfying.
  • Outrage over criminals, paperwork society, and the logic of plea bargains.
  • Odd pet deaths (escaped python strangles kids in Canada): “You think you know a snake…”
• Allison’s news theme songs, running jokes about “dud” stories, and Adam’s idiosyncratic takes abound.

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6. Dennis Miller Interview

[119:16 – 132:00]

• Format: Pre-taped call; Adam and Dennis trade sharp, reference-packed banter.
• Miller riffs on Jay Leno (“cars powered by steam and stopped by catgut”), old showbiz, and the neuroses of comedians following strong openers.
• The two reflect on the art of comedy, the differences in comedic style, and “punch up guys” in writers’ rooms.
  • Quote Miller (124:13): “Both of us have made great hay off arcania, my friend.”
• They share respect for each other's specificity and comedic speed.
• Ends with mutual admiration:
  • Miller: “You’re a proletariat hero. It’s like Kerouac meets Will Rogers, man.”

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7. Jay Mohr Segment—“Blah Blah Blog” Game

[132:16 – 177:48]

• Jay Mohr joins the show for comic banter and to challenge the crew in “Blah Blah Blog”—guessing which celebrity wrote particular blog excerpts.
• The competition is filled with guesses, pseudo-strategy, and mock bravado:
  • Jay: “I don’t think I’ve lost in my car with my wife driving cross country!”
• Crew discusses celebrity egos, self-aggrandizing blog content, and the failed wisdom of fame.
• Other quick bits: Adam and Jay on minor slights and social shaming (“The head shake!”), and news story riffs.

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8. Show Closers & Memorable Moments

• Big Mama Got It All: Fake “agony aunt” persona dispenses advice, riffs on white/black/Asian stereotypes, and warps through a hall of comedy mirrors. (149:07+)
• Recurring bits: Allison’s “dud” stories, call-backs to earlier jokes, shoehorned sponsor reads, and group-sung musical parodies.

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Standout Quotes

• Jo Koy (on hot dog competitions) [02:36]: “Joey Chestnut. You cannot eat a hot dog better than me. Joey Chestnut.”
• Adam (on “Made Up Movie” tropes) [11:03]: “He’s not the player and he’s not the owner. He’s just kind of in the middle—he starts talking back and forth, he does the arbitrating.”
• Kristen D’Angelo (on sex work) [54:10]: “Good family, bad family. It doesn’t matter… If you could survive—and not just survive, but survive comfortably—for many women, that’s an option.”
• Adam (on society and shame) [68:44]: “The only thing that keeps this society in check is shame. It really is the rules.”
• Dennis Miller (on arcania and comedy) [124:13]: “Both of us have made great hay off arcania, my friend.”

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Notable Segments with Timestamps

• [01:23] Jo Koy’s “Kobayashi” routine and U.S./Japan riffing
• [09:14] “Made Up Movie” improvisation
• [34:00] “P.F. Chang’s host” sketch
• [42:32] Kristen DiAngelo interview: realities and myths of modern sex work
• [56:21] DiAngelo recounts harrowing assault and aftermath
• [66:44+] News and social rants with Allison Rosen
• [119:16] Dennis Miller’s call: Showbiz, comedy, industry nitty-gritty
• [132:16] Jay Mohr and “Blah Blah Blog” game

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Summary/TL;DR

A fast-moving, old-school Carolla episode mashes up irreverent improv, classic sketches (Jo Koy, Jay Mohr), inside jokes, and thoughtful social commentary. Jo Koy’s energetic voices and “Kobayashi” bit set the tone, while Kristen DiAngelo’s frank discussion of sex work grounds the show in real-world grit. “Made Up Movie” and “Blah Blah Blog” showcase the team’s spontaneous comedic talents, while guest Dennis Miller and the ever-present news segment add polish, wit, and just the right touch of cantankerous wisdom. Whether riffing on hot dogs, sex work, or “dud” stories, Adam and crew deliver on their promise of uncensored, hilarious, and sometimes surprisingly sincere podcasting.

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For Listeners New and Old:
This “Classic” episode embodies the show's DNA—quick-witted, sometimes blue comedy, honest life talk, and the best kind of collaborative riffing among comedians who know each other well. If you want the quintessential Carolla Show experience, this one covers all the bases.

Transcript

[Angie Hicks]

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of Angie. When you use Angie for your home.

[Adam Carolla]

Projects, you know all your jobs will.

[Angie Hicks]

Be done well, from roof repair to emergency plumbing and more done well.

[Adam Carolla]

So the next time you have a.

[Angie Hicks]

Home project, leave it to the pros.

[Adam Carolla]

Get [e-mail]. Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast one plus. Check it out and sign up and get access to all the old shows. If you want access to the entire.

[Brian Bishop]

Archive ad free of the Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or you just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it Out.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure to check out adam corolla substack adamco.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcurolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

First we have Adam Carolla show 1136.

[Brian Bishop]

Featuring Kristen D', Angelo, Joe Coy, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Angie Hicks]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bold Brian. That guy sounds hot.

[Brian Bishop]

Moose Master on that one. Hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Jo Koy back in studio.

[Jo Koy]

Thank you, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Always a joy when Jo Koy comes by. Good to see you, my friend.

[Jo Koy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe is going to be doing some live shows. Syracuse Funnybone, that is the August 16th through the 18th. Orlando Improv, that's the 22nd through 24th. And the Fort Lauderdale Improv, August 30th through September 1st on the road with Jo Coy nonstop. Joe and I were first introduced some years back when I was doing my morning show and Joe was doing the voice of Kobayashi. And it was great because back then Kobayashi was dominating the Coney Island.

[Brian Bishop]

Kobayashi would have represented the biggest guest of that year on the radio show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he was.

[Jo Koy]

You had the other guy, Joey Chestnut.

[Adam Carolla]

We had Joey Chestnut.

[Brian Bishop]

He had Kobayashi come in, but he.

[Adam Carolla]

Would call in and taunt Joey Chestnut, the guy who's currently the winner. And I don't know if Joey really knew what was going on other than.

[Jo Koy]

I think he really thought it was Kobayashi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I like. How would you say Joey's name?

[Jo Koy]

Joey Chestnut. You cannot eat a hot dog better than me. Joey Chestnut.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd say, but Kobayashi, you don't understand how American the hot dog is. It's the Fourth of July. It's Coney Island. It's Nathan's, and it is a hot dog. It's a symbol. It is a symbol of America and.

[Jo Koy]

It is the insides of a peak.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Jo Koy]

Just like America.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, Kobayashi, no, you don't speak that way about this country. You know, you don't.

[Jo Koy]

You don't talk to me like that. Makaroora. Listen to me, Kobayashi, you listen to me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you listen to me.

[Jo Koy]

No one eat the hot dog better, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

But you don't come to the United States of America and take our flag.

[Jo Koy]

Take a. You take and.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, what? You take a Honda, you take a Toyota. You take a name.

[Adam Carolla]

We take your car.

[Allison Rosen]

You give a name.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's spelled differently. No, it is not. It's an Italian name. We make Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Maseratis and other Camari.

[Jo Koy]

Now it's Corolla, Toyota Cora.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's Corolla.

[Jo Koy]

You give her back a name. Give her back a hot dog.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we don't want your eating hot dog.

[Jo Koy]

I want your hot dog.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, do no crack wise with me. You come to this country.

[Jo Koy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You make a love to our women.

[Jo Koy]

I make a sweet ruff. Sweet what? Oh, ruff.

[Adam Carolla]

Er air.

[Jo Koy]

O O V V e ruv Ruff.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You make sweet love to our women.

[Jo Koy]

Uh huh. I make a sweeter of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you make sweet love to our women.

[Jo Koy]

It's a Monday for a blonde woman.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that? Bron Brown woman. Oh, okay. You want blonde women? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come here. You make sweet love to our blonde women.

[Jo Koy]

Over blonde women.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no, no. Hold on. You disrespect our blonde women.

[Jo Koy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You have come to this country.

[Jo Koy]

She is a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, the Statue of Liberty is a fine, fine woman in the shadows of the Statue of Liberty, that's where Joey Chestnut will crush you. On Coney island. And they hot dog eating cocktail.

[Jo Koy]

Chestnut. To try and take my reign.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you understand what the Fourth of July means to this country?

[Jo Koy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

That's when we declared our independence from the South.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, so you eat the hot dog. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we don't eat. No, we didn't spend it today.

[Jo Koy]

Let's eat the hot dogs. No, we didn't eat American people.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. You better watch it right there, mister. Oh, no, you better watch your mouth.

[Jo Koy]

Do something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll do something, but good.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll be eating a fist, not a dog.

[Jo Koy]

It's a minifist. Because I am champion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, you're just. No, you're missing a point. You wouldn't actually. I'd punch you is what I'm saying.

[Jo Koy]

And I would eat it. No, no, no, Just give me a cup of water. Everyone's a piece.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I have a metaphor. It's a metaphor. Gonna punch you. Uh huh.

[Jo Koy]

And then I will eat your punch.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not a victory for you. This would be a victory for me. I will be punching you. And, you know, forget that part. Forget about the eating metaphor.

[Brian Bishop]

Meanwhile, Joyce Chestnut sitting here, very confused.

[Jo Koy]

You, you just give a name back to Toyota. All right, I'll Mr. Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla. It's blonde. It's making love.

[Allison Rosen]

Rav.

[Adam Carolla]

Brun.

[Jo Koy]

Garora.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. If you think you're gonna come here on July 4th, on our most sacred of days, and devour and make love to our blonde women.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, make a sweet, rough. You, me corral.

[Adam Carolla]

You got nothing coming, my friend.

[Jo Koy]

Speaking of which. All over brown woman face.

[Brian Bishop]

Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just.

[Jo Koy]

Just speaking of eating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right, listen, Kobayashi, I'm so disgusted, I can't even. I can't even move forward with this interview anymore. You disgust me. Understand me. I normally have reverence for the Japanese people. I normally have a respect for the Japanese people.

[Jo Koy]

You should have a respect for Japanese.

[Adam Carolla]

I normally do. But you know what?

[Jo Koy]

I'll make a Japanese if you use the name Karora.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's Italian name and it's spelled with an A. I have no respect for you. I respect your heritage. I respect your country or island or whatever we're calling it. But I have no respect for you.

[Jo Koy]

I have no respect for you.

[Adam Carolla]

And be prepared to be disrespected by Joey Chestnut, a proud American.

[Jo Koy]

Bring it to Joey Chestnut. I dare you right now. I challenge you to eat as many hot dog as Kobayashi.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if Kobayashi remembers, we used to have a fat guy on our show named Tad who would end up taking more abuse than Joey Chestnut. Got a lot of shrapnel from Kobayashi.

[Jo Koy]

You know who used to really get offended? What's his name from Partridge. Partridge Family.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Dan.

[Jo Koy]

He used to actually get into a verbal confrontation with Kobayashi.

[Brian Bishop]

I forgot about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Danny Bonaduce lived in that ether between REM sleep and pro wrestling where you're kind of in it like it's, it's, it's. I think it's the way 12 year old boys feel about, like Star wars movies and things where they're kind of there, but there's. There's part of them knows they're sitting on their sofa, but there's another part that's dodging the laser beams, you know? So when Kobayashi would call in, Danny was not going to hear any shit from Kobayashi.

[Jo Koy]

He was challenging him to like, like, meet me in the parking lot, bro.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of Star wars, you know what I realized? Kobayashi sounds a little bit like.

[Allison Rosen]

But.

[Angie Hicks]

Also a little Asian. Tom Lykis.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, speaking of movies, we are going to do a little made up movie. Now, the made up movie is pretty straightforward. You guys make up the title of a movie that doesn't exist. You call up, we don't know what it is, you throw it out to us.

[Brian Bishop]

Not jokey. Not a jokey title.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't have to be. It could be a turn on a phrase, but you just come up with. You just come up with a title for a movie and we then craft a movie around it and we'll sort of take turns and do it. We'll throw them up on the phone lines. We have an opening there.

[Giovanni]

According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, in the year 2012, a hero would rise to turn your movie titles into blockbusters. Gladys, that hero is Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy, that could be me.

[Giovanni]

And this is made up movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll just start at the top line. One AJ from Fresno. Aj?

[Jay Moore]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Jay Moore]

Not much. How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. How's Fres? No doing?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, a little hot, but not bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You have a name of a made up movie?

[Jay Moore]

Yes, I have A Man's World.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I have this as sort of a Steve Harvey. All black, but sophisticated.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I was thinking Tyler Perry.

[Adam Carolla]

A man. M A N N. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Man's World.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Kevin Hart may star in this one's. Like, it's an ensemble.

[Brian Bishop]

This is a cross dressing, kind of like tootsie kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Or is that just too.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's no Perry. I think it's. I think it's one of those. They'll do the one. Like they'll do the Jump in the broom or they'll do Stella Got Her Groove Back. Once in a while you get the big black ensemble. Steve Harvey did. I don't know what Steve Harvey does.

[Jo Koy]

He's just kind of like the negotiator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's not the player and he's not the owner. He kind of gets in between. There's a pussy and a cock and he kind of gets in the middle of the two and he starts talking back and forth. He does the arbitrating.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, he's the one that's like, you know, you just gotta, you know, pleasure a woman when she really wants to be pleasured.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he looks great and that's great advice.

[Jo Koy]

And then everyone's like, thanks, uncle.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And he does a lot of that. You can't think like a man if you're a woman. If you're a woman, you can't think like a man. And you just go like. It's not like a head nodding.

[Angie Hicks]

Is there a token white person in this cast?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Peter Dinklage.

[Adam Carolla]

Peter Dinklage.

[Brian Bishop]

It's all they'll let in.

[Jo Koy]

You know, this is actually Carrot Top's breakthrough performance.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jo Koy]

Carrot Top is actually getting. No props, no nothing, just acting.

[Angie Hicks]

Oh, like a serious role for Carrot Top.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, serious for Carrot Top.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you don't even know who he is because his head is shaved.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, they shaved his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Shaved his head and put glasses on him. Yeah, yeah. And he plays Kevin Hart's best friend. Yeah. Uh huh. And Kevin Hart is gay, but can't come out in this movie because in his world, you know, very religious world, black world, you cannot come out in that world without being judged.

[Jo Koy]

And Kevin's girlfriend is an obese white chick.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Like a beard kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

Melissa McCarthy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, she's on there. She's on.

[Jo Koy]

And she has no idea that Kevin's aj.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And she's trying. The wedding is coming up and she's frantically trying to lose weight. So there's lots of gags of her running with hefty bags on, on the hot days and doing, doing the whole thing. Meanwhile, the wedding can't be, it can't be far enough away for him because he's got to break it to her that he's gay.

[Brian Bishop]

She doesn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she doesn't, she doesn't know. She's just. They're abstaining from sex for the last four months and she's frantically trying to sweat the pounds off.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe he's abstaining from sex until marriage. Like the whole thing is a sequence of pushing off, you know, sexual encounters.

[Jo Koy]

And then finally at the end of the movie, Carrot Top and Kevin. Just say it. Hey, we love each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And there's a lot of, A lot of breaking down the fourth wall with Steve Harvey just talking right at the camera.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's really cool.

[Jo Koy]

I got it. I got the closing, the closing bit. The big, the big punch at the end when they come out in the church. They come out when it's happening and there's an uncle that's sitting in the audience that goes, what the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this motherfucker. What?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm starting. I'm starting to realize you like that.

[Angie Hicks]

I love that.

[Brian Bishop]

That's their one F word. It's a PG13 movie.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, it's PG13, but Uncle sells it.

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck?

[Jo Koy]

This motherfucker.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you did it with this red ginger head motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's shaved, but we can see some poking through. I think Steve Harvey is the black Dr. Phil. No one really knows what the fuck he does, but no one wants to say anything about it.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes. Cause he has such authority, but every.

[Jo Koy]

Scene he has a different suit on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're big dudes with mustaches. They're bald and they have suits on. And they say a lot of stuff that's like, if you're gonna leave the nest, you better be able to fly first. And everyone goes, yeah, I guess you should be able to fly before. But it doesn't sound like anything that wouldn't come on a Dixie Riddle Cup.

[Angie Hicks]

Right. I feel like what they say wouldn't even make it onto a fortune cookie. It would be rejected. And yet they say it in such a sure of themself way that it sounds like something that someone else would say.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's also the kind of thing where no one ever can stand up and go, shut the fuck up. That makes no sense. Because it just makes sense. But it's just no shit makes sense kind of stuff. So no one can really criticize you for saying, tie your shoes before you go jogging. Right. Right. They can't really get on. But I think Harvey may be the black Dr. Phil. Makes tons of money, has a huge mustache, bald head, wears a suit. No one knows what the fuck they do. No one ever really professes to be huge fans of either one of them. Like, I've never went. Like, I'm a huge Steve Harvey fan. I fucking love that guy. You've never read his books. You're insane. You would love him, too. Like, no one's ever done it. No one in the black community has ever went, you gotta get into Steve Harvey. Nobody in the white community's ever said.

[Angie Hicks]

To me, my DVR forgot to record Dr. Phil.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck. Fuck. I'll have to go to my neighbor's house and watch it.

[Jo Koy]

That's why Kevin comes out of the closet. Because Steve's advice is, like, as long as you're honest with yourself, no One can hate you for your honesty, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It does a lot of that, too. Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

And then the uncle goes, what the fuck did you just say?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think he sort of gets a pass from the white community because it seems like he's trying to keep the black community. You know, he's saying that men and women should stay together. And here's like, no, whitey's not gonna stick his neck out and go, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about. But he never makes anyone laugh, does he?

[Angie Hicks]

No. Do you think he and Dr. Phil's power is in their mustache?

[Adam Carolla]

I think the power may be in the stash.

[Angie Hicks]

Like, what happens if they remove it?

[Adam Carolla]

I think if he took that stache off and put it on their head, they'd have no power. They'd be powerless.

[Angie Hicks]

They look ridiculous, too. They look like Burt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I gotta see a picture of those two. I bet they're about the same weight. They're about the same size.

[Brian Bishop]

They wouldn't call them fat.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Jo Koy]

You put their mustache on anyone else and they become a child molester, right? That quick?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

You put their mustache on my lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Gary. Know what to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Never. There's never any big fans, and it's not like people go, either one of them. Like, I know Steve Harvey's basically comedian, but I never. No one ever goes, you hear the old Steve Harvey joke or that Steve Harvey One Hour special or something like that. I'm sure he said clever things. I just. I don't. I think they're the same guy.

[Angie Hicks]

I only ever see him interviewed on Larry King type shows where it looks like he's almost about to cry.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, it's found a nice niche.

[Brian Bishop]

A master of ceremonies with the kings of comedy and game show the Family Feud and the radio show Just orchestrator.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, A.J. that's it. Yes. You satisfied?

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah. That was perfect. Better than what I was thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah? What were you thinking?

[Jay Moore]

I was thinking, well, since all my buddies been getting married, it seems like they all been neutered and they can't do anything they want. Since I'm single, I'm out there doing all the shit I want, and these guys got to stay home.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. What's all the shit you want?

[Jay Moore]

Well, I mean, like, going out on the weekends, out out of town. Pismo, La, whatever. Up north, Frisco. Just hanging out, doing different things.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Jay Moore]

Have to get permission or whatever, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Or look at a picture of Steve Hart. Now, look, can you find Dr. Phil in a goddamn suit for the love of Christ, please. All right. Never the first shot. Always a little tweet, you know. Thanks, aj.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, I was in Walmart one time and they had Dr. Phil's slim shake that was like 75% off. I'm not even joking. And it was a picture of him that hasn't even lost weight. It was regular sized Dr. Phil on a fucking slim shake.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's.

[Jo Koy]

And I'm like, is this for real?

[Adam Carolla]

That's when you realized. Yeah, that's when you realized you're successful. When you start pushing a line of shit where half the people make fun of you, call you fat ass, and then you're pushing. He had a diet book. Yeah, once.

[Jo Koy]

You didn't have a diet book.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Guys have.

[Angie Hicks]

Oh, I think he said countless.

[Adam Carolla]

He did have a diet book.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Here's the thing.

[Jo Koy]

He's never lost weight, but.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know, that's what.

[Brian Bishop]

He's never gained weight.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand, son? We all weigh the same on Mars. Now you're supposed to nod your head and clap, thanks, Dr. Phil. Yeah. He. Diet books and beauty books and diet books are now, in this day and age, two celebrities. The equivalent of coming out with an album back in the day.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is. They would say to you, if you were in a sitcom or you were Shatner or you were whoever in 1969 or 1971, they'd go, hey, how about you come out with an album? And you go, but I don't sing. Who cares? People know your name. You come out with an album and you just go, oh, okay. And everybody on TV just had an album. Loren Green from Bonanza just had an. An album. You know, he didn't sing. He just had an album.

[Allison Rosen]

Gomer Pyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second. He could go full baritone, Gomer Cut. But everybody who was on TV and the whole cast of TV shows is. We just have an album.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, it's stupid if you can't sing. You know, if you're on Modern Family and you can't sing worth a shit, you're not coming out with an album, you know, for young lovers, but you will come out with a book. It will be an advice book. Like, if you're successful, if you're a girl who's 16 and you're on TV, it's like young teen. Whatever.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah. Like Tina Yeother's book.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Angie Hicks]

Andrew Barrymore's book.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's the diet sort of motivation. Anyone who has any kind of success now just comes out with a book on diet. So Whether you're overweight or not. Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Or whether you can sing or not.

[Angie Hicks]

You're so exactly right about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Angie Hicks]

Now, but is the idea that because they're in the public eye, they've mastered dieting or. We don't even question it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we just see the person's name on the beverage, on the golf club, on the book, and we just go. All right, good enough.

[Jo Koy]

Okay, but what.

[Adam Carolla]

My celebrity endorsement.

[Jo Koy]

But what pisses me off about Dr. Phil is he didn't lose any weight and he's on a diet. Shake. Like, you know, put someone that like a celebrity. He was huge. Like if it was Ralphie May. And now he's like 110 pounds. Put him on a slip.

[Adam Carolla]

So let me ask you a question. What weighs more, a ton of lard or a ton of feathers? They both weigh the same.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, they do.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now I gotta finish my book. Yeah, I think, Steve, I think we could really. I think there's a connection here. All right, you guys see one up there? You like. You got a line, man.

[Angie Hicks]

You look like a creep. Like mystery.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

Or a magician.

[Allison Rosen]

Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Is that you?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, that's me.

[Angie Hicks]

With their mustache.

[Adam Carolla]

No, could not tell.

[Angie Hicks]

Early birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

You closer to the action. So don't be late.

[Angie Hicks]

Book your next vacation early on VRBO and save over $530 on week long stays. Average savings, $550. Select homes only. Minimum 7 day stay required.

[Jo Koy]

Definitely Steve Harvey's mustache.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right. Can we please clear the screen? Yeah. That's disgusting. Do you have a. Do you have a. We have a line up there that anyone wants to know.

[Angie Hicks]

I'd like a case of the Mondays line.

[Adam Carolla]

What line?

[Angie Hicks]

Four.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's just go the line and they'll shout it out. Thanks. That's all right. I kept Saying line. Line four. Derek.

[Jay Moore]

Yes, Mr. Carolla.

[Allison Rosen]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

What is your title?

[Jay Moore]

My title is A Case of the Mondays.

[Allison Rosen]

No way.

[Angie Hicks]

That's what I said.

[Adam Carolla]

That's with f. You guys are simpatica. How did you know? All right, you're calling from Concord, California. All right. What do you think, Alex?

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck?

[Angie Hicks]

Well, I'm gonna need some help from you guys, but this is about substitute teachers.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, I like that.

[Angie Hicks]

And it is about. It's about the rivalry among substitute teachers in. Should we put them in Chicago?

[Adam Carolla]

What city should we put them in Chicago?

[Jo Koy]

Schaumburg. Schaumburg, Illinois.

[Angie Hicks]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Jo Koy]

But the Subs came from the city.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Jo Koy]

They came from Chicago. Now they're going out to Schomburg.

[Angie Hicks]

Right. And they resent how cushy it is. Is it cushy in Schomburg? It's so cushy they resent that. And the kids are probably assholes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, now, is there a thing. Oh, all right, now when I'm tapping into something here, new thing. All right. Taking a little different direction here, but same place, they're getting into this thing where it's this diversity thing and it's this, you know, they start doing all the busing from the inner city to the nice gentrified neighborhoods and all that kind of stuff. But some point the school board decides it's not enough that we just bus the children. The teachers need to go. So you have the super scary inner city school, the ones that walk around with baseball bats, fish out of water, going, yay.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

They're going to the lily white. You know, and, you know, the kid's like, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had. My yoga instructor was running late and then I lost one of my iPads. And you're telling it to the super inner city guy. And then you have the lily white. You have Maggie Gyllenhaal going into the all black city, inner city thing. But they both learn a valuable lesson about life.

[Brian Bishop]

And the teacher's like, you know, good morning, children.

[Allison Rosen]

What do we all say? And they're like, what the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, it's real fish out of water thing.

[Angie Hicks]

And there's probably both a pregnancy and there's some kind of student teacher inappropriate relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now the inappropriate. Well, let's see. Yeah, there's gotta be. There has to be the one sort of mousy pain in the ass, white chicken who gets hooked up with. Yeah. Who gets hooked up with the captain of the football team who was held back. Oh, yeah. Held back two grades. He may be 20, you know, but there's that. There's that move where he's putting the big time lovin' on her.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, she's just out of college too. You know what I mean? So the age difference isn't crazy. She's like 24, 25.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, one goes to one and then. And it's a lot of. They do the split screen at a certain point and there's a lot of the joke where the, you know, they have the. They have the scene where the white teachers get together in the inner city school, like in the lounge, and they're like, listen, you have to speak their language. You're not blending in. And then it's smash cut to what it be up my main dude, you know, give me nine. And, you know, like, Rob Schneider's in it. Right, Right. There's a lot of this, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Every time they miss.

[Adam Carolla]

And the brothers are looking at each other, hey, my main man, you know? And they're looking at each other.

[Allison Rosen]

What the fuck?

[Angie Hicks]

That guy's in it, too.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah, same uncle.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the janitor. Right.

[Jo Koy]

And everyone recognizes him. Hey, he was in that one movie. Man's World. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That's a case.

[Jo Koy]

Someone piss on the floor. What the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

White motherfuckers.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Derek.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Be satisfied.

[Jay Moore]

I was. I was thinking more like chinatown. Jack Nicholson, P.I. case of the Mondays. Yeah, that was good.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't go that direction. Yeah, we didn't go that direction.

[Jo Koy]

Can we have one more character in this movie? I was thinking, like an African American studies teacher, and it's played by an Asian guy, Bobby Lee.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Bobby Lee.

[Jo Koy]

Bobby Lee is fucking. He's the African American Studies teacher from MADtv.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Who used to play. Bobby's got a lot of range because he'd play Michelle. Who that? No. What the hell's their name? Who's the figure. No, who was the figure skater?

[Brian Bishop]

Kwan.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it Michelle Kwan?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It wasn't Michelle Kwan. Figure skater.

[Adam Carolla]

He would. I think he would do Michelle Kwan. Yeah. Which was really pretty hysterical. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so he's wearing the kufi and the ceremonial garb, everything and the whole thing. Yeah. And nobody. Everyone keeps like, going. He's not black, is he? Like, shh, don't say anything when you get into trouble. He knows everything.

[Jo Koy]

He knows everything that has to do with African American studies.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And he's the most qualified for it. And why not? That's his thing, being the pie.

[Jo Koy]

My brother.

[Brian Bishop]

Does he take it too far and say we a lot of the time when talking about black history, but no one stops interrupting him.

[Adam Carolla]

My people, when we've been to the. When you've been to the mountain like we have. I've been to the mountain.

[Jo Koy]

That would be so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say, like Bobby Lee.

[Jo Koy]

Primif rock did not land on us. We landed on a primitive rock.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Derek. There you go, my friend.

[Jay Moore]

That was fantastic. Thank you, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. All right, one more. Let me give a little love. Lumosity, baby. Oh, man. So many things competing for your attention nowadays. Emails, texts, Facebook. It's hard to focus. Oh, focus, everybody's. Trying to focus. We got to get your brain in shape. Lumosity L U m o s I-t y.com Games designed to work your brain out help improve your focus, attention, help your memory. The more I think about this, the more I think this is your core, people. This is what we should be focusing on. Get that brain and shapes easy. Go online, play the games, get your brain going. You can start training. Super easy start today. Click the start training button, create your own program. Select Adam Carolla, by the way, from the drop down menu and start playing it. Is that easy? That's lumosity.com. select Adam Carolla in the drop down menu and sign on up. All right, one more. Let's see. Anyone like anything up there? What line?

[Brian Bishop]

Hit one at random. Two or three?

[Adam Carolla]

Two or three? All right, two. Kelly? Yep, that's me. What's going on, Kelly? I'm doing good.

[Allison Rosen]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Calling from New York? Yep. Calling from Manhattan. You live right in the city there, do you? I'm sorry? You live right in the middle of the city, huh? Somewhat, yeah. Where do you live?

[Jay Moore]

I live up in Washington Heights, so I'm up top.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

But yeah, in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why. I feel like every second phone line's bad. What's the name of your movie? Kelly. See you later. See? Give me a choice. All right, let's try three. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you want to just do her title?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I want to ask.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Line I don't get. All right, let me try this. Hey, Clark.

[Jay Moore]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, there you go. What's going on, Clark?

[Jay Moore]

Not too much. Can you hear me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I can hear you. Name, title, please.

[Jay Moore]

Black tie casual.

[Adam Carolla]

Black tie casual. All right, let's see. Black. I'm going to make this. We've been going into these romps and comedies and stuff. I'm gonna make this more of an action thriller.

[Jo Koy]

I was just about to say that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say it's one of those movies that comes out about every 13 years where everyone gets an invitation to show up at an event, but they don't know why. Yeah. They're ferried in on an island. Someone does it looks like a storm's coming in. You know, always weird guy, weird guy by the dock. Yeah. Sending a storm maybe brewing.

[Angie Hicks]

But some people think he's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

Cause he drinks.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's a lot of that. Once that storm bruise starts brewing. That ferry that ain't coming T. No.

[Jo Koy]

But when he says there's a storm brewing there's no clouds in the fucking sky. Yeah, no, it's just clear sky.

[Brian Bishop]

That's how prescient he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, he knows.

[Jo Koy]

And he's already got a rain garb on the whole yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was like the Gordons. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

There has to be a reason they're going, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it home of a, like a reclusive famous person or maybe like a wealthy, you know, inherit heiress or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Someone was done wrong. And these are all the people in the chain. It was back many, many years ago. Summer Camp 19. 1967. We cut back to the scene of the boy, the young fat boy being made fun of and beaten in his bunk with his socks and the soap in the bag, everybody. And now they're all. He's become wildly successful, crazed entrepreneur, soldiers many, many a dot com company, and he's now rich beyond. And he's kept tabs on every single one of these kids as they've grown up, as they've gone into different professions.

[Jo Koy]

I got a twist for you. He doesn't torture the ones that tortured him. He's torturing their kids. Nothing hurts the parents more than seeing their kids getting bullied.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jo Koy]

The way he got bullied.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jo Koy]

So they're like in their teens now. They're like in their teens. And they're all on this ship because they think it's like some kind of vacation, some fun vacation that they're.

[Brian Bishop]

And they all got.

[Jo Koy]

Their parents won. Their parents won the vacation. They had no idea that they just got set up.

[Brian Bishop]

They all think it's something different. You're here. That you won the vacation. Oh, you won the trip to blah, blah, blah. You won the. Yeah, they all got. Came together.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Hey, Clark. Yeah. Now, how is this going? Good for you so far?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, absolutely. I was taking action as well. It definitely turns a little bit darker, but I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now eventually the kids are gonna have to. Now the parents are all just locked up in one big cage somewhere, forced.

[Brian Bishop]

To watch all on video.

[Adam Carolla]

Forced to watch on video? Yeah, the big video wall.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're forced to watch. But now what happens? Did the kids. Now, obviously it's not the kids fault. The kids are gonna have to band together.

[Brian Bishop]

It's almost like. Is it like Hitchcockian? Like they keep bringing out like. Like poison. You know, they poison the appetizer for this dinner party and the parents like.

[Adam Carolla]

No, don't eat it.

[Brian Bishop]

The kids have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't open that door.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Right, right.

[Brian Bishop]

They're like viewers in a Hitchcock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're all forced to watch and they think they're having it, having a good time. Super evil clown who penetrates them rectally. All right, maybe that's too far.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh my God.

[Jo Koy]

Maybe that's the evil turn that he wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the evil turn. All right. Anal penetration Clark. Thank you, my friend. All right. Do we have an outro?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we do.

[Giovanni]

Adam Carolla will return in Made up movie part 2.

[Angie Hicks]

I feel a little traumatized by that last one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it took a turn. Took a turn. But that's what happens.

[Angie Hicks]

It stays with you though.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about it, aren't we?

[Angie Hicks]

That's what they wanted.

[Jo Koy]

I'm taking my son to see that.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Coy in studio just before we let you leave. Joe.

[Jo Koy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And again you can go to, or I should say for the first time, Joe Koy. K O Y J O K O Y dot com. If you want to find out where he's doing comedy in a city near you. Just because it makes me laugh every time. Can you please be the greeter at the P F Chang's? And I have my family in Burbank. And we have a 7 o' clock reservation and I want a booth and we made it four days ago. Okay. And it's Sunday night. Thank you. And scene, lights up. Hi.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm Adam Carolla.

[Jo Koy]

Okay. Yeah. Adam Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we have a reservation.

[Jo Koy]

What time?

[Adam Carolla]

7 o'. Clock. Okay, it's under Corolla.

[Jo Koy]

Let me check. Okay. Oh, yes, please wait, I'm sorry, we're.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit late.

[Jo Koy]

Okay, if you could wait 25 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's. It's 7:10 now. We had a 7:00 clock reservation.

[Jo Koy]

15 minutes and your table will be ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute, it was 25 minutes two seconds ago. So you can just shift the time around. We like.

[Jo Koy]

Do you like P F Changs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we love P F Chang's.

[Jo Koy]

Then you should wait 15 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the kids love Pfang from now they like the orange chicken.

[Allison Rosen]

Mmm.

[Jo Koy]

Delicious. Orange chicken is my favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you call it?

[Jo Koy]

Orange chicken is my favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

It's delicious.

[Jo Koy]

Yes, delicious. Yeah, I love absolutely delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's making me salivate now.

[Jo Koy]

Okay, so let me check. Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Roller Co.

[Allison Rosen]

Roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Roll Now. Roll. No.

[Brian Bishop]

Ka.

[Jo Koy]

Like a car.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the car. Adam Carolla.

[Jo Koy]

Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, party of four.

[Jo Koy]

What time?

[Adam Carolla]

Seven o'.

[Brian Bishop]

Clock.

[Jo Koy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry we're a little bit late.

[Jo Koy]

7:10 now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So we're.

[Jo Koy]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're what? You're rated, right?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah. 10 minutes red.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're late. Yeah, I'm sorry. We had trouble parking. It's a. You know, with the kids.

[Jo Koy]

There's a Valre.

[Adam Carolla]

Who?

[Jo Koy]

Val Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know him.

[Jo Koy]

Valre. You could.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know Val Ray.

[Jo Koy]

Parker. Yuka.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I understand. With the kids and. Yeah, we have the kids. It's amazing. Thank you. Thank you.

[Jo Koy]

Very cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you. They love the orange.

[Jo Koy]

We will get you chair. 7:30.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, we had a 7 o' clock reservation.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And the kids are very 710 now.

[Adam Carolla]

Seven. Yeah, sorry, we're running a little late. We parked across that.

[Jo Koy]

The reservation has been a cancel.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, no, I don't think you. We parked across the street and. And then we came with. The kids are very hungry. Oh, yeah.

[Jo Koy]

Cute.

[Allison Rosen]

The kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the cute kids.

[Jo Koy]

They look hungry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're hungry kids.

[Jo Koy]

Well, 20 minutes from now they can.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now it's 7:15. Could I have a. Could we have a booth, by the way?

[Jo Koy]

No more booth.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm seeing. I see three open booths behind me. They have a reservation, but those people aren't here yet.

[Jo Koy]

At seven o'.

[Adam Carolla]

Clock.

[Jo Koy]

They are awful.

[Adam Carolla]

But they're not in the booth.

[Jo Koy]

They are underway.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I don't like. I don't normally play this card.

[Jo Koy]

What card? Well, you like a Pai Gow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not poker.

[Jo Koy]

You would like to play a Pai Gow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not.

[Jo Koy]

Let's play Pai Gow for your.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not going to Commerce.

[Jo Koy]

Let's go into kitchen, play Pai Gow with all.

[Adam Carolla]

I shouldn't have said that. This is a. It's a metaphor.

[Jo Koy]

I'm so sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm saying here's a card.

[Jo Koy]

You don't like to gamble?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I like gambling.

[Jo Koy]

I like to gamble for your booth.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, there's a card that I want to play that I don't like to play.

[Jo Koy]

Pick a card.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, I'm saying I don't like to play the celebrity card.

[Jo Koy]

And you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Now that's what I'm saying.

[Jo Koy]

You're a celebrity.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like to play the celebrity card.

[Jo Koy]

If you were to play a celebrity, who would you be?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you don't. Well, Ben. I'd probably be like Ben Affleck or something.

[Jo Koy]

But no, no, I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought it'd be some humor. No, I'm I'm a celebrity.

[Jo Koy]

You are?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm pretty famous celebrity.

[Jo Koy]

Don't know you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe we're. You're different.

[Jo Koy]

Let me see if anyone know you here. No one knows.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Ask them about the man.

[Jo Koy]

They said, are you Toyota?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, it's funny. Yeah, it's about the man show. They probably saw the man show. Man show.

[Jo Koy]

Mana show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, just man show.

[Jo Koy]

Mana.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not mana.

[Jo Koy]

Mana show.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an animal.

[Jo Koy]

No more shrimp of mushroom.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Jo Koy]

No more shrimp and mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, listen, now, hold on.

[Jo Koy]

You like a mushroom?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to play the celebrity card. Like I said, it's uncomfortable for me, but many people do recognize me.

[Jo Koy]

No one here.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? All right, hold on. I don't want to go down this road, but Crank Yankers was a show.

[Jo Koy]

I did crank a Yankee.

[Adam Carolla]

Just Crank Yanker.

[Jo Koy]

Cranka Yonker.

[Adam Carolla]

Crank Yankers. Crank Yanka Yonke.

[Jo Koy]

One more.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't on. I wasn't on camera. They know the show. Cranky. Anchors you have to say, right? I wasn't on camera.

[Jo Koy]

No one knows about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't on camera.

[Jo Koy]

You want the fortune cookie closest thing to cracker?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I wasn't on camera. Oh, all right. They probably have seen it.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, we all have a camera. No, no, they should always have a couple.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. I mean, I was on the TV. Okay? Trust me.

[Jo Koy]

We'll get you in at 8:00'.

[Allison Rosen]

Clock.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Jo Koy]

Soon as this weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, you keep.

[Jo Koy]

You just missed your reservation.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? There's another couple in that booth.

[Jo Koy]

It is now taken. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. We enjoy your restaurant.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, so delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

We love the orange chicken. As I said, my kids are big fans.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, they look very cute.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, I'm not comfortable playing the celebrity card, but I am bit of a celebrity. Okay.

[Giovanni]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Are a celebrity celebrity. A celebrity celebrity. And I don't like to play the celebrity card.

[Jo Koy]

If you were to play a celebrity, who would you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. You keep going down this road. I was on a show called Celebrity Apprentice.

[Jo Koy]

Oh, cerebre.

[Adam Carolla]

Celebrity. Celebrity. Celebrity Apprentice.

[Jo Koy]

One moment, let me see.

[Adam Carolla]

They probably saw. Celebrity. Celebrity Apprentice. You gotta say it right.

[Jo Koy]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're not saying it right.

[Jo Koy]

They say they have a mandarin orange. No. Cerebral Apprentice.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It's not a dish. I don't feel like you're.

[Jo Koy]

Asparagus. You want asparagus?

[Adam Carolla]

Now ask them if they know asparagus. Have you heard of the show Dancing with the Stars?

[Jo Koy]

Oh, one moment.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm asking You.

[Jo Koy]

Let's see if we have on menu.

[Adam Carolla]

Dancing. Dancing. Okay, okay.

[Jo Koy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

If my wife and I and my children could just go sit in that empty booth right there that's just taken. It's been empty for 20 minutes.

[Jo Koy]

While we are underway.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see how you know that. I had a reservation.

[Jo Koy]

Under what name?

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, your table must be ready by now.

[Adam Carolla]

And scene. Under what name?

[Jo Koy]

Perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

The great Jo Koy, everyone.

[Jo Koy]

I love you.

[Adam Carolla]

I love you. Kristen Diangelo is gonna be in here. She's doing a documentary on prostitution. Interested in hearing all about that? And we'll do that right after the.

[Giovanni]

Adam Carolla show honors journalistic excellence with another great moment in local news.

[Adam Carolla]

And after an all out search, Rusty the red panda is rescued.

[I]

See where he was hiding out.

[Giovanni]

The spirit of Murrow and Cronkite live on. Now back to the Adam Carolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

Kristen d' Angelo in studio. She's made a movie, American Courtesans. Is that an old word for prostitute?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, it is an old world for prostitute, but it's also a word for. If you go back into the older times, it had a different meaning. It was more a confidant who men trusted.

[Adam Carolla]

Those days are gone.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Yeah, they're gone. Long time ago. That's really where the word came from. And I use that word sort of to rebrand sex work in the United States because most of the words we use are pretty derogatory nowadays.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Do you. And you've worked in the sex industry for over three decades. What does that mean?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Three decades? Since my teens, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What does that mean? Worked in the sex industry?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, the sex industry, you know, it takes different forms. People think, oh, you're a prostitute or you're a stripper or you're a porn star. And what's happened through time is this, this entertainment, this source of entertainment has morphed just like any entertainment has. So if you go back into the 70s, there were massage parlors and girls on the street corner. And by the 80s, they started having escort services that would send girls out with those big yellow page ads. You know, you'd open it up and it'd take a whole page.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

And so things have morphed through Times. In the 70s, I believe, is when prostitution in Nevada sort of took hold too, and. And that became label. So it's changed. I mean, you can't say that. It's one, like, specific thing you do. And it also depends where you are.

[Adam Carolla]

In the world, because what country has the best handle on this.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I don't Know if there's.

[Adam Carolla]

Who does it right, A country that.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Does it right or wrong. I've had great experiences in Australia. Now they have their own issues that they fight with there, but it was very wonderful going there. There's such a level of safety and there's so much knowledge when you go there and there's so much help.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what did you do? Like, how long were you there? What years were you there and what did you do?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I was only in Australia for. It was, I think, a month or two when I was working there. I had gone over there and I started in Perth, which is on the west coast. I went down to Adelaide, I went from there to Alice Springs because I had always wanted to go. So, I mean, what an opportunity.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And what are you doing there?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

When I was there, prostitution.

[Adam Carolla]

But are you. Are you. Are you on your own? Are you recruited? Are you going with a group? Like when they have those, you know, at the airport where they hold the sign up and everyone's standing there, welcome horse.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No, actually, courtesans.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But, like, does somebody. Is there, you know, someone who's a broker, so to speak, going, hey, come out. Like, if I go do comedy in Australia, first someone's going to say, we need you to come here. Here's an offer, here's a venue, then we'll come out and do comedy.

[Angie Hicks]

Like a sex agent?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No, the way it is, because the laws are so different in every country. Most places you're pretty much on your own. So I had met a friend from Australia when I was in New York, and she was interested in coming here and I wanted to go to New York. So we began talking and there are a couple advertising sites there.

[Allison Rosen]

Where?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Here in the United States, when women advertise, it's purely advertising. They keep an arm's distance away from you because they don't want to get in trouble. So any woman could put up a picture who can, you know, has an ID and can pay for the ad. There's no qualifications. Well, in Australia, there are two main sites that advertise, and these sites are owned by women who used to work. So when you contact them, they begin sending you information. There are ways you can do it. They can book appointments for you and they can take a split off it. If not, when you get there, you get a phone, you can put an ad up. They tell you the hotels that work. They even send you lists of the men that are harmful that they know of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, interesting.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

So when you go in, you know, don't stay in These places. These places are good. Here's clients that I would suggest you don't see. And here's the reasons why. Here's how you get a phone. The day you get here, give me the phone, the phone will go up on the ad.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, how much money can you make if you do it right?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

That's an arbitrary question. It's hard to say because people are different. And just like any other product out there, there's more demand for some products.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how much? If you're working for, you know, let's say like the Elliot Spitzer case, right? And you're working for one of those escort services and they're sending you out there for, I don't know, thousand, a couple thousand bucks a pop. How much of that are the girls seeing?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, generally speaking, when you work for a service, the split is 50. 50. It's always different. But that sounds like what you're asking is, what's a split? Usually it's 50, 50, but you pay your own expenses getting there. You pay your own expenses, supplies. You pay everything. They set up an appointment and you just go. So when you hear like, oh, she got $1,000 an hour. She probably got 500 an hour. If you look at New York City, that's not even a high wage for women in this industry.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think a couple things. What do you think this is going to morph into? Since I have always sort of thought about, in a way, technology is going to get people together. But on the other hand, no one's going to be able to cheat anymore because someone's just going to take a picture of someone and tweet it out and the jig will be up. I don't know what this thing is going to morph into. It used to just be a sort of he said, she said. It was like crime before fingerprints and DNA. It's just. Look, I wasn't there. Yes, he was. Well, no, he wasn't. We'll take his word for it and everyone just walks now. There's no politicians, there's no celebrities. I'm sure these guys did this for the last thousand years. And now I don't know what celebrity can get away with what, unless there's a big payoff and some hush money and whatever. And even then his wife's gonna find out about it. Do you have any thoughts about that?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, the Internet's been both a huge asset and a big detriment for the sex industry. And you're right, it's changed. It's changed totally. The things that's made it so much nicer is there's a greater level of safety in some ways, such as women have begun to communicate. When there's a predator, they begin telling other women. And so there's this great level of safety there. The catch 22 is because there is this communication, there's accountability, and people can trace things.

[Adam Carolla]

So the documentary that you made chronicles more than one woman.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

There are 11 of us who are. Some are career sex workers, some aren't, but there are 11 of us who basically document our lives. It really is a true documentary. We're not telling anybody what to think or what conclusions to bring out of that. But most of us have the belief that things need to change because the way we've structured stuff in the United States right now isn't good for the people in the industry or for society as a whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever have any just good old fashioned bizarre stories like, you know, guy just wanted to talk for three hours, didn't want anything.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Happens all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

All the time.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Sexuality is such a complex thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

And it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

I met a dude once who just said, I would get hookers. I would just go down on them and that would be it. I'd pay him and leave. And I said, that's like renting a car, having it detailed and returning it. What the fuck is in it for you? Eating's not cheating. I like to go. I like to see what the thing. How it reacts when you throw it in reverse at 40 miles an hour. That's what I like to do with a rental car.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that the lady? Yes, and the lady, too, but that's. Yeah. Mm. Any of that. Go on.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I would say you have everything that's out there. If you take humans and you take the whole spectrum of sexuality, you get all of it. And a lot of it isn't sexual. I mean, you would think that it all is, but so much of it isn't sexual. It's really an industry that deals with the needs of intimacy and human need.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage of the guys you think are in a relationship?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

There's no way to tell. 50. 50.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's about 50%.

[Angie Hicks]

50.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

50.

[Angie Hicks]

Do you feel like they're usually pretty honest with you?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I don't usually ask. That's not my business. Like, people. People always say, like, oh, aren't you worried because, you know, you're with somebody's husband? Listen, the casinos don't ask when they come there if their wife is approved. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

The bars don't ask. Is your wife okay with you here drinking? That's up to the personal responsibility of the person coming to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

And you said you got into it as a teenager. Where do you hail from?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Northern California.

[Adam Carolla]

And young. So was there problems?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

It actually isn't what people would think. I mean, my parents got a contract in a third world country that was predominantly Muslim. And at that point in our history, it wasn't a good thing to take a young daughter too. My dad was a company man. You do what you do. Great parents, you know, they had to go over there and work and I was on board when they went because what teenager doesn't want to be on their own? Like, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I was, I was younger. I was in my teens, I was in my high school years.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And what got you into this profession? I mean, you come from a stable family. The professionals, they're going abroad to work, you're left alone. I could see you experimenting with the boys, but to do it professionally.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, now we have the age of the Internet. There's so much information. When I was in high school, we didn't have the Internet, we didn't have cell phones and there weren't ATMs, so I'll help you. None of that existed. There wasn't complete information. I opened the newspaper and looked under jobs. And back then in those days they had a million massage parlors. And all of them said, you can make all this money, no experience necessary. Now come on, you're a teenage girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I would have done this.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

You're there and I had no idea. I thought I was going there for a massage. Now by the first day, I knew that that wasn't what was happening. But I also became aware that there was this ability to me to generate money and take care of myself, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And make a lot of money for someone who would have been working in fast food or walking dogs, making, you know, six bucks an hour, five bucks an hour, right?

[Angie Hicks]

Being a model or just looking like.

[Adam Carolla]

One over at barbershop, just give them massages. Yeah. No, I had a girlfriend that was a stripper and but you know, her job was show up at 8 or 9 or whenever the fuck she felt like it, leave at 1 or 2 or whenever the fuck she felt like it, and walk out handfuls of cash. And the job she got later as a receptionist meant show up at 9am, sit there, put yourself together and work for, you know, $9.75 an hour and then have a bunch of taxes taken out like, and then leave at 5:30 and sit in traffic. It just didn't seem like that good like one compared to the other.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, it's a very hard temptation. If somebody needs a job and they need money. Good family, bad family. It doesn't matter what socioeconomic background you come from. It doesn't matter what race, what religion. People go to work to earn a living. If you walk in the door someplace or you all of a sudden become aware that there's a way that you could survive and not just survive, but survive comfortably. For many women, that's an option. And it's not just a little option. It's a good option. It's a way for them to take care of themselves. And people always correlate sex work to sex trafficking. Now sex trafficking occurs. It's horrendous. It should never happen. But they're two different beasts. They're not the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever done any like Sultan, Brunei kind of stuff? Middle east kind of head off exotic lands kind of thing?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No, I've never worked there at all.

[Adam Carolla]

How does that work? Do you know how that goes? No, but I hear those stories and I think, how does this work?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I don't know. I know that there's a very diverse clientele out there. And I know that we're one of the few countries where prostitution is illegal. Most people don't know that. We're one of the few modernized countries and one of the few countries. There are many countries that you would never even dream it's legal because of their religions and how they treat. Treat women. But it's legal or it's tolerated. So when you get people from other countries here, they're a little shock on how we treat our people. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kobayashi was very upset. Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

How dangerous? You mentioned women communicating with each other about predators and things. And I'm just wondering how dangerous is it? And have you been in situations where you felt endangered?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Absolutely. I've had some horrific situations. More before the age of the Internet. The Internet has given us ability to be safe, which is we're sort of feeling might be taken away soon because the feds are saying now if the girls communicate, it's like sort of conspiracy, which bumps it up to a felony. So if you find out somebody is a predator from another woman or she helps you, puts her in a bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Position, do you think? Yes. So tell us a good story, a good bad story.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

What kind of good bads do I have?

[Angie Hicks]

Like, what kind of danger have you been in?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Oh, gosh, I can't remember the number of times I've. I've jumped out of moving vehicles.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I've had guns held to my head. I've had knives held to my head.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean like Green River Killer kind of stuff? Like this is where you were going to the forest kind of stuff?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I spent one evening captive all night. And the man did get prosecuted. But after he got caught, with my story being true, they dropped it down to assault with a deadly weapon from four major felonies because of who I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you were a prostitute?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Well, yeah. That doesn't hold a lot of credence. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

So he kept you where?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

In his house.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just threatened you?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Strangled me. Repeatedly. You wake up and begin breathing again as somebody strangles you. It hurts for a while, and then it all stops. And when it stops, everything becomes okay. The problem is you really don't die like they do on the movies. You begin breathing, and when you begin breathing, you wake up and you become aware that you're in the same place and it's going to happen again.

[Adam Carolla]

So he picked you up in the car?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

He picked me up at a card room on a rainy night. I'd gone in there to play Ms. Pac Man. And he told me, you know, I don't want to be seen with you. Come around the back. And he was actually giving me a ride home. I was done working that night. It was pouring rain, and he picked me up and he took me to his house. And that's when it started. He actually impersonated a police officer. But of course, that didn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

What state was this in?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

California.

[Adam Carolla]

And then how did you escape?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

He had drug me outside, and my foot caught and some steps coming down, and it ripped down to the bone, and it woke me up. It was a little painful. And instead of acting like I was breathing, I tried to pretend like I was still out.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was gonna dispose of you?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, he was gonna, like, take you out, put a bullet in you, and leave you in the woods somewhere.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I don't know. Because I was able to get away? No, but he'd beaten me. I couldn't scream anymore. I mean, I had no skin left on my left neck. So you think you're gonna scream and say something, but I had no vocal cords, so I was silent at that point. I put my hand through a window trying to make noise. Broke a window, didn't make enough noise. I was, you know. I mean, you do everything you can, but it's not like on tv, you know? It isn't like on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

So, yeah, so he's dragging you out and what happens?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

And then he started all again there and everything and strangled me again. I came to again and the trunk was open. I was on the ground. And from what I could see, I couldn't understand why I couldn't see. Well, I know now because my eyes were swollen shut. I could see the window. And like I had fought. I'd fought really hard. I'd fought for hours. I mean, I'd fought, fought, fought. And my purse had gone all over and I saw him picking the stuff up and I began crawling and I crawled and I began to run, which I could barely do. I was hurt. And I got down to the corner and actually a car of lowriders picked me up.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. It's hard to make a fast escape with those guys though.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I'm telling you, eight miles an hour, it didn't matter, but.

[Adam Carolla]

And I could hear you more blasting through this pipe. Organ speakers in the back.

[Allison Rosen]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be the most frustrating thing in the world. You jump into a low rider.

[Allison Rosen]

Go, go. Step on it.

[Adam Carolla]

She's telling you to relax. So they took you to the cops?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No, they dropped me off at a bus station that was closed. The janitor locked the door, he called the cops. The cops took me to the emergency room. I spent the night in the rape unit with them trying to put me back together. And then they came back after I told them the story and said they talked to the guy and the guy said I tried to rob him and that if I pressed charges, he was pressing charges and they were going to have to arrest me.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And so the thing, see, the thing about guys that is not sexy sexuality and wiring is you don't get these kind of things out of your system. Like this is something that this guy does.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

He went on, he. Like I said, he got convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. And the plea bargain, he got 45 days on weekends and went on to commit eight other felonies.

[Angie Hicks]

I don't, you know, the same type.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Of thing, mostly against women. And they did include violence and different things.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Here's what I don't, I don't understand as human beings, why we don't understand what the fuck is going on with other human beings in this land inhabited by other human beings. We know so much more about the human anatomy and the parts and the idea just in the last 75 years that you can do organ transplants now and graft on bone and skin and this crazy, the crazy advances. Just what we've learned about the brain in the last 15 or 20 years and what we're taking artificial valves and valves from pigs and transplanting stuff and all this stuff, but yet when it comes to just human beings and psychology, we're fucking imbeciles.

[Angie Hicks]

Then you get people going like, well, each person's different, right?

[Adam Carolla]

We don't understand what motivates people, what helps people, what hurts people. We just from I feel this way politically, I feel this way from the criminal justice system as a human being. 99.9% of males are incapable of putting our hands on a woman. We don't know. Wife gets out of line. That's one thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Not that we don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't want to, but we just don't. And incarcerating them and choking the life out of them and raping them, doing horrible things. But. But there is a small percentage of the population that is capable of doing that. For those guys, it's not a hobby. It's not a one and done. It's not that. Well, he got it out of his system. Yeah. It's what he does. And he will do it again. It sounds insane to the rest of us, but to the law enforcement community, if there's a type of thing, and it's this thing all the time where it's like, well, he's driving along and he snatched a 14 year old and he took her out to the woods and then he beat her and he thought she was dead, so he raped her. But then it turns out she wasn't dead, so we can't give him life. And it's like, look, the fact that she has a great immune system shouldn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Be held against her.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't be. He tried. Let's just focus on what he was trying to do. Not the fi. Look, there are plenty.

[Angie Hicks]

He lacked follow through. But he was a murderer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there are people who can fall off a ladder and die, and there's people who can tumble down a 250 foot cliff and live. That's them either. That's not what we should be focusing on. He attempted to kill her. He thought she was dead. And there's a lot of, well, they plea bargained and blah, blah, blah. And he's gonna get. It's like, no, if you're capable of doing that, you need to be somewhere where you can't be around other people or they'll just have penises and hopefully they'll be raping you for the rest of your life. There's no way you either get it out of your system or you go, okay, lesson learned. If you think it's a good idea to grab 14 year old girls and yank them into your car and take them in the woods and beat them brutally.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Not only that, they escalate. So many predators begin on sex workers and the reason they begin on sex workers and they hone their skills and get better and better and better is because we don't have the ability to report.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

So that means they get a free walk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also you're accessible. I mean, you can, you know, get in the car, go have sex, that's they're halfway home, so to speak.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Absolutely.

[Angie Hicks]

But now you. Did you take a break after that?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I did take a break. And I did, actually. I thought for a while that I would never come back to this life. I mean, I changed professions totally. Yeah, I did. That was like one of those turning points in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

But it beckoned.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No, I actually, I wasn't working in corporate America. I have a degree in finance. I'd gone back to school. I decided I wanted changed my life and I got ill and I had to make some choices. I call them quality of life choices. And working 80 hours a week and being stressed beyond belief and treading that treadmill wasn't healthy for me. And so older, wiser, more educated, I made a decision to re enter the world and maybe take care of myself a little bit better than I did when I was younger.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you about older and wiser. Legal zoom baby. If you're older and wiser, you go with the legal zoom.

[Brian Bishop]

King of the Segways.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, listen, you probably didn't have a will at the time.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Nope, not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, you need a will. You don't know what kind of maniacs are out there. Take you out, you just date. One minute you're playing Ms. Pac man, next minute you got duct tape over your mouth. That's what I.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a cliche for a reason, people.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I'm saying you never know. Never know. This winding road, call to life, Legal zoom baby.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why it's called a will. It will happen.

[Adam Carolla]

It will happen eventually. Legalzoom.com Reasonable prices and the most, most people finish online in just 20 minutes. You don't want the government dictating what happens to you and your children and your belongings and all that after you're gone. Get a will and let's. It's state specific, by the way, so you can get all the information and you can get it where? LegalZoom.com and you can save 15% if you act now. LegalZoom, baby.

[Giovanni]

To get your special discount, be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. For wills, powers of attorney, trusts and more, go to legalzoom.com LegalZoom can provide self help services at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney, but they are not a law firm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Kristen, hang in. American Courtesans, the name of the film available now on dvd, Blu Ray, video on demand icon and Amazon. And of course, if you're gonna go to Amazon, click through the Adam Carolla banner. Go to AdamCorola.com and hit the Amazon banner. Put a little win in the sails of the pirate ship. Thank you so much in advance. All right, Allison Rosen, let's do some news, shall we, Baby girl?

[Giovanni]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison.

[Angie Hicks]

So there's an article in the New York Post about how New Yorkers are using bogus therapy dog tags to bring their dogs into all sorts of places where people shouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you could have ever seen this one coming?

[Angie Hicks]

What they're doing is. They are. You can go online and for hardly anything, get a little vest for your dog. And then no one really cracks down. Occasionally people will ask to see papers and then if you just say, oh, I'll bring them next time, that's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Angie Hicks]

So it's a great idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We. I've said it once, said it many, many times. The only thing that keeps this society in check is shame. It really is the rules. More rules lead to more people just doing whatever the fuck they want when there's not a rule that covers them. So when people start relaxing, as a matter of fact, if we just focused on fucking shame and a society that focused on shame, we wouldn't need any rules because there wouldn't be a, hey, you can't have your dog shit there, or you have to raise your own kids or the deadbeat dads, whatever, whatever's going on in society wouldn't really need all these rules. We sort of police ourselves now with this fucking dog thing. And we're all such supreme narcissists who decided the narcissist thing, it rears its head like a fucking giraffe when it comes to the pets, which Is it's a weird thing because everybody loves their own pet, but doesn't have the ability to understand that other people may not love their pets as well. They love their own pet, but they're not so in love with your pet.

[Angie Hicks]

Now, how many people are listening to this right now, thinking, well, but my pet's an exception. Like, everyone doesn't love everyone else. Well, look, I like. Everyone loves my pet.

[Adam Carolla]

I like petting other people's dogs and that kind of stuff. But I had my dog the other day, and we were all marching around, and we went into a Pinkberry, and I didn't bring Molly into the Pinkberry. I sat outside at one of the tables, and I kept Molly with me outside because there's other people in there.

[Angie Hicks]

If you had a vest, you could have brought her in. And according to this article, quite a chick magnet.

[Adam Carolla]

They shed. They fucking shed. And so the deal is, here's what we do. We go, here's what you want. You want to bring your dog everywhere. Good. I want to bring my dog everywhere. Good. I don't feel like getting dressed when I leave the house. I don't feel like providing ID at the airport. Like, there's a whole bunch of shit I don't feel like doing. But as a society, we have these sort of unspoken, well, how would you like it if everybody on the airplane brought their pet and didn't wear clothes? And didn't wear clothes, right. And instead put the clothes on the dog like a Rick Springfield album.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, we would not like it. Then, of course you wouldn't like it if everybody on the plane, all 250 people, all brought their fucking pets. So it was just a flying kennel. So then you do that golden rule thing and you go, well, if I wouldn't like it if they wouldn't, and everyone in my aisle wouldn't bring their dogs, and perhaps I shouldn't. Now it's all off. If you can get a handicapped placard, you'll get a handicapped placard. If you can get a thing for your dog, you get a thing for your dog. And we're just moving forward. The problem was, is we should have started shaming years ago with this when Richard Belzer was traveling around with his fucking dog annoying everyone in first class. Someone should have said something. I, of course, spotted this at least a year ago and started talking about it. And now it's ubiquitous. The San Diego airport has a doggy lounge with a fire hydrant where they can.

[Angie Hicks]

Molly wouldn't be able to get In.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wouldn't bring Molly anywhere other than places that I own.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

As one who got handicapped pass years ago, it's much, much, much more difficult to get a handicap now. You actually need a doctor's dmv, fill it out and then application. They can get just, you know, whatever. Not just barred, but fucked up if they do it wrong. But the dog thing, it is shockingly easy to get a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, we'll have to reform this because of people who are a little weak in the character department. Like this thing of like you shouldn't. Here's all you should need to get a handicapped placard. I am a disabled person who requires a handicap placard. I will look you in the eye and then you will give me one and I'll bring it out to my van with the special thingy on the back and the, you know, accelerator pedal. I operate with my left nut sack. That's what, that's all it should be. But, but because there would be a tsunami of self entitled pricks who would then go in and get their own placard so they could park their Corvette in the front of Costco. Now there has to be a whole bunch of hoops for people who are legitimately handicapped to go through to get the placard which we could avoid if we started kicking the shit out of the people who are going in and getting instead. We don't judge like you can't judge. It's a bunch of fucking able bodied 45 year old dudes walking around with dogs everywhere. Supermarkets, restaurants, airplanes. There won't be a place that you will be a public space. Movie theaters. You're gonna be in movie theaters and dogs are gonna start fucking barking at the 3D machete that's flying at them.

[Brian Bishop]

The dogs are gonna have glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

I go to movies where I can be swept away. Yes, they'll have little doggy glasses. And you're gonna. There will. Before we're through with this life, we will step in dog shit in a movie theater.

[Angie Hicks]

And the thing is, there really is such a difference between a real service animal who's helping a blind person.

[Brian Bishop]

German shepherd.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Do not give me treats.

[Angie Hicks]

They don't even acknowledge you. Those dogs, they're so well trained. Versus all the little morkies and whatnot that have the vest that are totally out of control.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, it didn't exist. It was. There were blind people. The dog did not have a leash. It had a handle and the guy had a fucking stick. And the dog help the Blind person get across the street. And that was it. There was no emotional support, companion dogs. There's no. I have a little fear of flying dogs. There was none of that. Look, who does not, could not claim at some point or another, yeah, I feel a little insecure about flying, or I feel a little insecure about driving or going to work or whatever it is. We all have our moments. The dog is not gonna fucking fix it. Yes, I would like my dog with me when I'm on a flight. I love my dog. But I realize other people don't.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

They can solve that by just charging the same amount for the tickets for the dogs, you know, if they charge the dogs. But then that's not fair to people who really need them. And there's the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

The people that.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

And so the people.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, the people that really need them are blind. Other than that, you guys all fuck yourselves. Because now and again, the person this does hurt is the person who is blind, who actually needs it. And we all gotta go, what's he doing with that dog? Because assholes are walking around. They're fucking Yorkies. And they're in. Like I said, they're around food now. They're in supermarkets, they're at restaurants. People are barefoot. The latest things. Everyone's just kicking their fucking shoes off, putting it up on the table to Starbucks, putting your fucking feet everywhere. You got your goddamn dog putting shoes on their dogs. It's officially the fuck on. I don't know. I've been screaming about this for how long?

[Angie Hicks]

Over a year.

[Adam Carolla]

It's way on with the dogs. The dogs. Every flight you're gonna be on is gonna have a dog on it from this day forth. Let's start fucking shaming these people. Jesus Christ. And can I just say this? Just because you can do something doesn't mean you need to do it. Like, just because you find a wallet and there's money in it doesn't mean you have to take the money out and throw the wallet in the fucking shrub. You can give it to the authorities. You can do the right thing. And that's what we're all. You see the problem? It's pretty much like this. It's sort of like steroids. It's like, look, if they didn't test for them and the other guy was doing it, then soon as you go to the supermarket and you see the other guy's got his dog, you go, fuck it. I want my dog, too. And that's how this stuff escalates, all right? Sad. The society that We've turned into also sad.

[Angie Hicks]

I think you might find this sad, Adam. Chris Hansen is leaving NBC and leaving to Catch a predator after 20 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm, mmm, mmm. I'm gonna miss him on that show.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I miss.

[Angie Hicks]

He's looking forward to pursuing new opportunities on air and as a producer. And he says new projects will be announced in the next few months.

[Adam Carolla]

I always missed the part of that favorite part of that show is how incredibly casual the guys were when they met him. But how you could just hear those gears grinding in their head, like, is this her dad? Who is this? And then that one little moment of sweet relief where he said, you're free to go. And he'd go, I could just leave. You can leave anytime you like. And they'd give that moment where they're like, putting their shirt back on or grabbing their flip flops or their sack lunch or whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

McCarty back in the bag.

[Adam Carolla]

Put the Smirnoff and Yoo Hoo. Smirnoff and Yoo Hoo. Back into the bag going, yeah, okay, I'm sorry this ever happened. And then the Fresno Popo right on the front lawn. By the way, when you're yelling at someone, get down. And you're tackling them and the knees in the back. Yeah, just give them a second to get down. They usually try to get down, but.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

It doesn't make us good entertainment. I mean, it's a lot more dramatic if you're tackling them by their fault.

[Adam Carolla]

Free to leave. Yeah. And I loved it when he'd read the text. You know what I mean? Yeah. We just talked. About what?

[Brian Bishop]

Club things, casual conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

Says here, I'd like to put my dick through the back of your neck.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

It's appropriate with a 13 year old.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, no. I was quoting a movie top. I was, I was. We were doing a game. The most inappropriate quotes from movies. That was it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have a picture of what looks like your penis with a fake mustache on it that you sent to her.

[Brian Bishop]

First of all. No, I don't even know where I'm at.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you like to see the picture? Sure. I like it when they just go. They go, I never sent any. And they go, would you like to see the text? We have them here. Ah, yeah. Hang on to those. If I never sent something.

[Angie Hicks]

You just want to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

You have. I would kind of like to see what I said. But when they go, eh, Like, I love it when they open the clamshell. Like when they go, all right, you didn't see the video? You want to see the video? Ah, we're cool.

[Brian Bishop]

You notice they got wise. The producers got wise after a season or two when they would always ask, are you the police? And he's not allowed to impersonate a police officer. He's not allowed to detain him. He would shuffle off. He'd go, like, I'll answer that in a second. First, I'd like to ask you about these.

[Angie Hicks]

I like the idea of a penis with a fake mustache on it. Incognito. Undercover.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what a. What a show.

[Brian Bishop]

Senor Pepe.

[Angie Hicks]

No, you've named it already.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. No tips for pedophiles. But like I said, I always send over that small Domino's plane. Cheese. Just to have someone walk up, knock on the door, you know, park discreetly down the street. Just wait. Just to make sure Chris Hansen doesn't answer the door. That's all.

[Angie Hicks]

Now, do we all agree that it's slight, it is slightly sadistic, the way he tells them they can go, and they get their hopes up.

[Adam Carolla]

You rarely feel sorry for sexual predators. But that one moment where they go, like, especially when they're going, I'm sorry. I really didn't. This is a mistake. I have children. I really. And he goes, you're free to leave. And they go, you know what? Thank you. I guarantee this is not gonna happen again. So anyway, see ya, Chris Hansen. And hello, Louie Anderson. That should be the new host of that show.

[Brian Bishop]

When's the last time this show aired, by the way? It feels like it's been forever.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But Louie Anderson in your kitchen would be much like your daughter's on the Internet. Like, that could be a lot of.

[Angie Hicks]

Processing, right, Kristen, you're saying you love this?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Oh, I must have a sadistic streak. I do have a sadistic streak.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

But when I see him do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, right on.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Okay. They're gonna get him now.

[Allison Rosen]

I just love that I have a.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird wiring in that. I can feel bad for people in the moment. Like, if there was footage of Hitler eating and somebody across the table said, fury, you have some broccoli on your tooth? I'd be like, ooh, I feel so bad for him. Like, just in that moment. You know what I mean? Then I'd go back to hating him.

[Angie Hicks]

No, I'm sure if I saw him playing with his dog, I would too.

[Adam Carolla]

That one little moment where the guy's going, I'm sorry. I have a family. I'm just gonna Leave. I go, oh, just go get in your shitty truck and leave. Like, I do feel weird and bad for the guy, even though the guy's a fucking predator.

[Angie Hicks]

Do you think. This is a funny question to be asking you, but do you think that that bit of. That empathy, that ability to empathize with anyone is actually a liability?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It doesn't help. I do. I feel like I've. Yes. I've had many situations where even if the person is bad, I don't feel like telling them they're bad or. I tend to trust. I mean, listen, what if Hitler had mad MMA skills? I stand by that statement.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a great what if.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I was beaten in the street by weapons because I thought I could just go out with a bunch of thugs and get into a fight with one of them and that the other fellas would just stay out of the way because they said they would stay out of the way. And then that's when the bats and the bottles and the blood started flying. But the point is, I do have this weird thing where I go, all right, we're cool. We're cool, and we trust each other. Fine. I don't understand when somebody looks at you and goes, yes, this is my word, or, this is what's going to happen. It's confusing to me when they say something else or act in a different way.

[Angie Hicks]

I feel the same way. I'm always surprised by how kind of awful people certain people can be. I just assume people are decent, and then I'm surprised.

[Adam Carolla]

If I have a crew of guys working on a project and I'm in a rush, as I oftentimes am. I will tell Rob, here's five checks. I'll sign my name at the bottom of five checks. I'll leave them all blank, and I'll go, just go make them out. Have everyone tell you what they owe, what I owe them for the week. You know, materials, labor, whatever it is, you fill it out and do it. They could be padding it. They could be. I'm not looking at receipts from Home Depot. I don't know. I'm assuming they're not screwing me. And I just go through life assuming people aren't screwing me. And 99% of the time, they don't.

[Angie Hicks]

Kristin, do you go through life assuming people are screwing you?

[Adam Carolla]

That's her business. You get paid there?

[Kristen D'Angelo]

I get paid for it. Actually, I do, too. Most people I see are amazing people.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate it when I hear, like, a father say to a son, you fuck that guy before he Fucks you. Like, I hate that kind of advice. Like when they go, that guy's gonna try to screw you the second you turn your back on him. So you get to him first.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I hate him.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about? I hate that world. I just want everyone to go. I would like. I've had it a million times, this warehouse. When I bought it, the guy had another year on his lease. And I bought the warehouse, but the guy still had a year on his lease. And I said, as soon as you're ready to leave, I'm ready to move in and put a few cars in here. And the guy said, yeah, I'll let you know. And I went home. And four months later, the guy said, I'm ready to leave. And I said, thank you, you're now out of your lease. And he said, I need it in writing. And I said, no, you do not. I just told you you're out of your lease. And I told you when I bought the place, as soon as you're ready to go, I'll take it over. And he said, I'm going to need that in writing because that's the horrible society we've formed. We've created a shitty society that runs off of fucking paperwork and triplicate and lawyers. And I said, I'm telling you just as a guy that you can leave whenever you're ready to leave, and that's the last day you'll pay rent and you'll never hear from me again regarding your lease. And he said, I need a piece of paper. And I said, well, you're not getting one, so if you want to leave, you can leave. You don't have to leave. And he left. He never heard from me again. That's how I expect people to treat me as. Well, sometimes they do, and most of the time they do. And I find people are generally decent. They err on their side a little bit, but they're generally, generally decent. But when we create, essentially, I do believe that people, we will create criminals, so to speak, when we give them opportunities like the bullshit doggy license or the number one thing is the tax code, people just go, look, I'm fucking paying 51%, like I'm getting fleeced by the government. And so I have to cook up a bunch of shit like my company car. It's not my company car. Just fucking drive it. Will you drive it to work? Well, yeah, I drive it to work. Well, that's your company car and it's a corporate car. And it's like you end up having to get sucked into a system and essentially kind of become a liar. Because it's either be a liar and pay 41% or don't lie at all and pay 53%. You go, fuck that, I'll lie. All right. Fantasy, by the way, football. Fantasy sports coming up. Right around the corner, baby. Ooh, they just played the inducted. I had so much fun watching Warren Sapp sweating. My favorite part about the. My favorite part about those guys going to hall of Fame induction is seeing large, heavyset men of color and that forehead just glisten. They do it outside. They do it in Canton.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Cause somewhere between 100 and 110% of retired football players put on weights.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

So they're all bigger than they were.

[Adam Carolla]

And they were 320 when they were playing. And now they're just staring at that 5:30 sun and they got that jacket and the tie up there and they're making that speech and it's just dripping down their forehead. But you know to me that that tastes, that sweat. It tastes like the NFL. It tastes like the kickoff.

[Brian Bishop]

You can taste the sweat.

[Adam Carolla]

I can taste the sweat of high def TV.

[Brian Bishop]

DraftKings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Where were we? Yeah. Football season, starting baseball, whatever you like. DraftKings.com one day fantasy sports. How'd you do yesterday, Brian?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm in one right now. I'm in a major league baseball late night triple up, which means you pay five bucks and you win 15 if you're in the top six.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess where I am within the top six.

[Brian Bishop]

First place.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, there's 50 innings left, but hey, first place and looking good. So going to triple up if I stay here.

[Adam Carolla]

One guy, 100 grand his first time.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm in for 15, Dawson.

[Giovanni]

And you can play for free. Yes, free to win real [e-mail] Enter Adam with your first cash game and get a free shot at a couple hundred bucks to a couple hundred thousand bucks. Just use the Name [e-mail] that's draftkings.com.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll do one more story, a little bit of fun news. We're going to be the Irvine Improv the Amazing Jonathan. Coming up this Thursday, Waukegan, by the way, Genesee Theater. And that is September 28th. I think that's me and Dr. Drew. We'll figure that one out. And also road hard. Over a million bucks fund anything. Thank you very much. Still going and every bit helps and every bit's going toward the movie. So thank you. But we're going to keep this party going for another 12, 13 days. Got another Cranston thing coming up. The great Bryan Cranston. I won't say too much, but he's gonna be a part of this. Put a little button on our. Done two videos with him. We're bookend it with a third. Ah, that's me. Joaquin's me doing stand up. Just figured out let's do that's coming soon. So again keep supporting and thank you. All right, let's do one more, baby girl.

[Angie Hicks]

So here's a crazy story out of Canada. A python in a pet store in New Brunswick escaped the pet store and got into the apartment above and strangled two kids, two brothers. It got into the ventilation system.

[Jo Koy]

Wow.

[Angie Hicks]

But here's. I just.

[Adam Carolla]

It killed them.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes. Yeah, it's an awful story.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on. Did it eat them?

[Angie Hicks]

No. It strangled them.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know, but they're not serial killers. Like I don't. I'm not fans of escaped pythons. But they squeeze shit.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

At least in the animal kingdom they eat it out. They don't have the guys that just torture prostitutes.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Although I think panda bears quietly do some of that. But in the animal.

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the animal kingdom they kill shit and then they eat it.

[Angie Hicks]

You're right. There should have been two child looking lumps in its stomach. Yeah, that's not included in the story.

[Adam Carolla]

Unhinged a jaw and like swallow like gazelles and sheep and stuff. Like they eat big time stuff. It's weird.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah. Like he would have brought those kids home in a giant Chinese food box.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. From the pet store. Oh, how old were they?

[Angie Hicks]

Five and seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but how, how did he get both?

[Angie Hicks]

That's what I'm wondering. That's the part I'm wondering. Like, like it's a very strategic of this snake. How did. Did it do it at the same time? There's so many questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Like went from one by the way, for the first, like people. I mean, can you imagine these just the casual acquaintances who went to school, you know, with the kids and stuff. And it's like three weeks from now. Like where's Kenny and Stevie? Oh, you didn't hear? No. Where are they? Not taking extra day off of summer, are they? Where the fuck do you begin?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Strangled. Choked by snakes. Like what?

[Allison Rosen]

And.

[Angie Hicks]

And this snake was in a pet store?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

I feel like this probably was not. Is not a good choice of pet.

[Brian Bishop]

Or good choice of apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

No, all of it. The thing about the thing about the reptiles and all the all the, you know, animals that are, you know, sort of big on constricting strength and have big jaws and stuff like that, have acorn sized brains is, you know, people do this thing where it's like, I knew this snake for eight years. We had no coral. You know, it's like, yeah, he's a fucking snake. He's not. You think the snake's talking to other snakes? I go, don, yeah, he's salt of the earth. That guy's cool. Like, no, he's fucking snake. He doesn't. He might not know you the next day and he may just fucking decide he's gonna eat you the next day. We're always so surprised, right?

[Angie Hicks]

When they act like what they are.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a great relationship with that rhino. One day, tries to gore me. Who the fuck fed him? You know, it's like, they don't do the, oh, the guy's been feeding me. Let's not gore him.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Angie Hicks]

They're not domesticated.

[Adam Carolla]

Not so much. They're fucking reptiles and huge things that are, like, huge in the muscle and small in the brain. And a bad day could just mean them pulling one of your limbs off and fucking beating you to death with it. And it's like, I don't get it. The monkey and I were cool. We're friends with his dad. We used to work together with the Chrysler plane. Like. Yeah. And then they become animals. They're not.

[Angie Hicks]

They're just waiting.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. Like, they like to apply that same sort of relationship thing you have with co workers and stuff. Never beef with that snake.

[Allison Rosen]

And all of a sudden, powder.

[Adam Carolla]

Just see him in the lunchroom all the time. One time he didn't have change, he was at the vending machine. But I had a 5. But the machine wouldn't take fives. It only takes singles. So I went down to the sandwich place, you know, on the first floor.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, I love that place.

[Adam Carolla]

And they gave me five singles. I came up, snake was still there. He was really thankful, you know, he's trying to choke the life out of me.

[Brian Bishop]

You think you know something.

[Adam Carolla]

You think you know a snake. Yeah, I got him Bugles. I said, they're on me.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll bet he tried to pay you. I bet he was insistent.

[Allison Rosen]

He was. He was a good guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what happened here. I thought we had a relationship.

[Brian Bishop]

So weird. It's always the one you least suspect.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. I asked that guy, by the way, remember when I took Doreen to Maui about three summers ago?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I Asked him to watch the house.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he do a good job? I got.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the house was there when I got back.

[Brian Bishop]

He didn't consider constrict a bunch of.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't. I don't know. We squeezed a pillow pop back into shape.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know permanent damage to any like, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, place was clean as a whistle when I got back.

[Brian Bishop]

What they like water your plants and everything?

[Adam Carolla]

Took care of the plants. Took the dog out for a walk. He got even. Did the thing with the mail was.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Alive when you came back?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I asked him.

[Adam Carolla]

I also did. Don't let the mail pile up because that's one of those things, you know, the criminals.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The man there wasn't so much as a penny saver in that thing when I showed up. Jesus. Yeah, you think you know a snake.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a real blow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

Snake walking dog. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it. Cons.

[Giovanni]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Hulu, baby. I knew Hulu Plus. Oh, yeah, Hulu Plus. Thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere. Stream it on your tv. Go with your smartphone, go with your tablet. Snl, Community, Modern Family, South park, all the dramas. Oh, the comedies. Yeah, Family Guy. Thousands more. Only $7.99 a month. You can catch up on current shows. You can binge on the old favorites, catch old movies, watch original shows. How about it? And how about you can try Hulu plus for a couple weeks for free. Huh? They got original shows like the Awesomes and Quick Draw. I love the idea that everyone's coming out with their own content now. Hulu, they ain't screwing around. Try it for a couple weeks for free. Just go to AdamCroll.com, click on the Hulu plus banner. Or go to Hulu Plus. Go to HuluPlus.com Adam. So try it for a few weeks free. You'll love it. That's just $7.99 a month, Hulu Plus. Make sure you let them know I sent you huluplus.com Adam for the extended free trial. Okay. I want to thank Joe Koy for coming out here. J O K-O Y.com is where you go. Chris and D'. Angelo. American courtesans. Available now. Blu Ray, DVD, video on demand and itunes. You know what to do when you get to Amazon. And until next time, Sam Kroll for Joe Coy, Chris and d'.

[Allison Rosen]

Angelo.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rose and involves Mahalo. I would get hookers. I would just go down on them. And that would be It.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, this is Adam Kulishow, 1136. Coming up next, we have Adam Kulishow, 1138. Dennis Miller, Jay Moore, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Angie Hicks]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Yeah, dud of a story.

[Brian Bishop]

Many people asking for that one from Monica Meadow last night.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm hashtag top drop. People are cruel. Yeah. A dud of a story drop on Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

That'll be hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaks her mind.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah, the dud of it story. What'd you just say, Brian?

[Brian Bishop]

That's people requesting it to be dropped upon you.

[Allison Rosen]

Often.

[Angie Hicks]

I feel like it will be.

[Brian Bishop]

People are mean.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah, no, I know.

[Brian Bishop]

I would never do that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's. The people have spoken at their request.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll do it at my own behest.

[Angie Hicks]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's just the guy throws the switch on the electric chair.

[Angie Hicks]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not the judge or the jury.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah, it's hard for him to do it.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

It's his job of a story.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. You know, I often bring up. And by the way, Jay Moore is coming in here and I'm always excited. I got some great dilemmas for Big Mama's Got it all, by the way. But I love Big Mama Got it all also. We'll talk about the will turn, stuff like that. But always love when Jay Moore comes to the studio. A couple things. Dennis Miller. Have a nice interview with Dennis Miller that I actually pre recorded earlier today because I think he gets up with the crack to do his radio show. So we have that as well. Blah, blah, blah, as you heard. You know, I always bring up the person who I want to. There's a part of me that wants to get. That wants to kill them and then a part of me that wants to get a bone marrow transplant from them. Like, I'm insanely jealous of them. But I also. I know I couldn't spend 10 seconds with them.

[Brian Bishop]

You want to be like an emotional Buffalo Bill. You want to take their soul and wrap it around you and dance weirdly in front of a camera.

[Adam Carolla]

But I also hate every ounce of their soul with every fiber of my being. But I want to be them. Somehow I got behind that person. That person comes in many forms, right? Many forms. It's oftentimes the person who says excuse you to somebody who's grabbed the excuse you. I heard when I was about 8, I was walking down the beach in Santa Monica and somebody had placed a six pack of Coca Cola sort of half in the water so it would stay cool with the sand. In the water. Yeah. And I was just walking down the beach alone. And by the way, I've never seen anything above, like RC or Shasta. And I was like, oh, my God, this bounty has washed up upon the shore. And I'm walking down, I'm like 8 years old, and I just looked down. I was like, a six pack of Coca Cola's washed up on the shore. And I bent over to reach down and I heard from the towel 30 yards away, excuse you. And it was so shaming. It's like, seared into my soul. I really. I probably received 200,000 compliments on the Man show over the past 10 years. I remember none of them. Excuse you. Oh, it'll be the last thing I hear before I flatline on my deathbed. Well, it's just that cunt yelling excuse you.

[Angie Hicks]

And it was an adult who yelled it. Yes, an adult pulling an excuse you on a child. Not.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, right.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

I encountered a version of excuse you, lady the other day in Trader Joe's at 11am when she was in the fast checkout line, express line, with the proper amount of items, five things, and a woman was before her with a full basket, not full overflowing, but like, you know, 25 items. Didn't realize she was in the wrong because they're not super labeled well, and gave her awful stares. And then once the checker was like, oh, ma', am, next time. By the way, this is express. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. The next lady's like, yeah, yeah, it's express line.

[Allison Rosen]

And wouldn't let it go.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like, it's 11am In Trader Joe's. Your time is not that precious. And I worked in a grocery store. Like, people, you know, the people who are out of it and don't really notice and make a mistake. And the people who are like, well, if this rule doesn't apply to me, I have 20 items, but I have to go right? Like, that wasn't her. She had made a mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are the people that have an extra lifetime for the shaming of strangers who made a mistake? You know that move where you're backing out of a driveway and there's a fucking cube truck parked, like, right up against the edge of it. So you're trying to very slowly back out because you can't see around the corner, and you're looking and looking, and then you're going just barely moving. All of a sudden, the beige Camry comes along and you hit the brake and they stop and you look at them and they look at you, and it's just that head shake. Like this maniac. First off, really examine what's happening here. What are you supposed to do? Go out and put cones out and hire a couple guys who worked on an aircraft carrier with no semi four to bring you out? Like, oh, you want a fucking presidential motorcade? Like, you're slowly backing out and you saw someone come and you hit the brake. How much head shaking? And then that thing where you. When the person then goes past you, the one I hate the most is the head shaking to themselves, like, not to me. We've done the thing where. Hey, man, what was. Oh, boy. The one where I'm gonna drive off past you and do it into the sky. Where I go. What does this world become where people in their automobiles attempt to back out of driveways? Is this the world? Is this the future we want to leave our children? The shake of the head. That's not directed at anybody.

[Angie Hicks]

It's a rhetorical head.

[Adam Carolla]

Sh.

[Angie Hicks]

That's how flour gassy there.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what that was.

[Angie Hicks]

Try this one on for size. I was at the hospital visiting a sick relative some time ago, backing out of a parking spot, and two people in scrubs yelled at me, why don't you learn how to fucking drive? And I didn't even. I did not come close to hitting them. And the thing is, when you're visiting.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone, they were mental patients.

[Angie Hicks]

When you're visiting someone in the hospital, you have a lot of time to think. Like, I swear, that entire day, all I did was think about how angry I was at them and try to figure out who they are. Should I report them? They obviously work here, but they aren't doctors. But should I report them? And I can't believe they yelled at me. And how could they yell at me in my time of grief? Blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

This notion where you're walking behind cars that are running and oftentimes the rear lights, the reverse lights are lit up.

[Angie Hicks]

Indicating I'm going to pull out, and.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re walking through, like, covered parking and you're just walking along the edge of the bumpers. And why are you flabbergasted when a car comes out and comes close to you? Like, there's a context here. Like, if somebody says, Adam Carolla was killed by a hyena, it's confusing, but if you say Adam Carolla was on safari and he was covered in bacon and he was on the Serengeti and he was taunting hyenas, then you'd go, oh, yeah, I get it. And even me, when I was being devoured by the pack of hyenas, would be thinking, well, I did rub myself in bacon fat. I am in a Speedo and am in the Serengeti. I would not be like, what the fuck is going on here? Like, when you're doing that move where you're going through the covered parking, the, you know, big concrete, multi level thing, and the person likes to skim along the back of the bumpers as they're walking and you start to pull out and you see them and you stop and they give the.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not as if they were on, let's say, a love seat. Yeah. And it was a Sunday and they were just unwinding, catching up on a little Dr. Quinn, medicine woman. And you backed your car into their living room. This is a place where cars are and people are so. In which case it just shows me that person is a sort of victim waiting to happen. And thus I hate those people. Here's the person I got behind. I was turning left, going to my house today, and I got behind this woman. The vanity plate that said hill dweller. Rich man, poor man, Hill dweller. And then the license plate frame around that that said, on a clear day, you can see forever. Now, before you bring scorn upon this woman, do realize she's much happier than all of us combined.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah. Because she has an iconic license plate frame.

[Adam Carolla]

She lives in a hill. She wants people to realize she lives on a lump of granite and she has a view. But what is in it for her? Did she get the license plate frame? I mean, obviously.

[Angie Hicks]

Did it come with the house?

[Adam Carolla]

She got the vanity plate. She wants people to know where she lives.

[Angie Hicks]

What if she moves?

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't. That's a good point. She doesn't want the folks down in the valley to mistake her for one of them. And then lap two on the hill. Part with the view, part. Who is that person who has that.

[Angie Hicks]

Kind of time and who defines themself in that manner?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't know. But I am wildly jealous. I just am. I'm just jealous of that person.

[Brian Bishop]

That's her identity, I guess. Hill dweller.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

That's, you know, some people's identity. If she was like, you know, Carl's grandma, that would be like her identity or whatever her grandson's name was.

[Adam Carolla]

People should know. Just as a quick follow up with the Bryan Cranston thing, I got a lot of response to that on Twitter. I. I shot him an email today saying, thanks for calling in. And I would be in the Boston area when he was in the Boston area doing a play. So if he wanted to get a drink, we could maybe grab a drink. And he just wrote back, fuck you. That's all he wrote.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a fucking method actor right there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, do we have footnote rather.

[Brian Bishop]

Real quick to the. To the shaming to the head shaking. I know you're a fan of shaming when it's deserved.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

And you can tell I do the head shake, but not to someone who makes an innocent mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I save it for guy who makes an asshole move and now it's costing all of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. There is a guy who's hung out.

[Brian Bishop]

In the intersection or something.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a move where the cars start to pile up on the freeway on ramp and you just get into the right lane, scoot past 75 cars, and then stuff your way in. I kind of like that guy. I'm cool with that guy. I have been that guy when I've been in a hurry. But you can shake your head at that guy because he took cuff the person at the Trader Joe's. Just wasn't paying attention with the crazy nautical Tahitian motif. It's hard to make out some of.

[Brian Bishop]

Those signs a lot of times in LA you'll see. I'm sure in other big cities you'll see guy who wants to make a left turn onto busy street. God damn all the other cars who are trying to come the other way. I will hang out here until the traffic abates, which it won't. So that guy gets the head shake.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all stopped. Get the horn and the head shake. All right. There's something I've been wanting to address for quite some time. It was a bunch of you guys tweet me all this stuff. It was Russell Simmons who I've never really liked. The reason I've never really been a big fan of Russell Simmons is because he's always talking about Buddhism and getting centered and all that kind of stuff. Meanwhile, he's getting centered in a 50,000 square foot home in New Jersey with his wife, who he met when he was 41 and she was 17. I don't mind the guy who wants to live in the 50,000 square foot place, and I don't mind the guy who wants to bang the chick that's 20 years his junior. I just mind the guy has the hemp poncho and he's got the rope bracelet. He's talking about getting centered. But he's going back to basically Donald Trump's house, right? And he's gonna go down and hang out with the Occupy Wall street guys. And then it's back into the Bentley and back to the house. This is some comments. I'll let you read or I'll read you some of Russell Simmons comments about this CNN reporter Don Lemon. And you can read the comments and then I'll play you what Don Lemon said. This stuff was all tweeted to me, but you can find some of the most egregious ones there about him.

[Allison Rosen]

Him.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see.

[Brian Bishop]

Russell seems to be not happy with. Who's Don Lemon? He's a CNN reporter.

[Angie Hicks]

He hosted the N word special.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, hip hop language and clothes are an expression of frustration with the status quo. Your dangerous talking head. Just read the news.

[Angie Hicks]

Just read the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Just read the news. So he's calling Don Lemon a dangerous talking head, I'm guessing. I'll let you read or I'll let you hear what Don Lemon had to say with Russell Simmons calling him a dangerous talking head. Here you go.

[I]

The Trayvon Martin murder case got just about everybody talking about race and not just specifically how it related to the case. It got some many on the political right wondering why the so called liberal media wasn't talking about other problems in the black community. But now that the jury has reached its verdict, one that everyone must accept, it's time now for some tough love on the subject. Because black people, if you really want to fix the problem, here's just five things that you should think about doing. Here's number five, pull up your pants. Sagging pants. Whether it's Justin Bieber or no name Derek, around the way. Walking around with your ass and your underwear showing is not okay. Number four, now is the N word. I hosted a special on the N word suggesting that black people stop using it and that entertainers stop deluding yourselves or themselves and others that you're somehow taking the word back.

[Adam Carolla]

Now.

[I]

Number three, respect where you live. Start small by not dropping trash. Littering in your own communities. I've lived in several predominantly white neighborhoods in my life. I rarely if ever witnessed people littering. I live in Harlem now. It's an historically black neighborhood. Every single day, I see adults and children dropping their trash on the ground when a garbage can is just feet away. Just being honest here. Number two, finish school. You want to break the cycle of poverty?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a dangerous part.

[I]

Stop telling kids they're acting white because they go to School or they speak proper English. A high school dropout makes on average $19,000 a year. A high school graduate makes $28,000 a year. A college graduate makes $51,000 a year. Over the course of a career, a college grad will make nearly a million dollars more than a high school graduate. That's a lot of money. And number one and probably the most important. Just because you can have a baby, it doesn't mean you should. Especially without planning for one or getting married first. More than 72% of children in the African American community are born out of wedlock. That means absent fathers. And the studies show that lack of a male role model is an express train right to prison. And the cycle continues. So please, black folks, pay attention to and think about what has been presented in recent history as acceptable behavior. Pay close attention to the hip hop and rap culture that many of you embrace. A culture that glorifies everything I just mentioned. Thug and reprehensible behavior. A culture that is making a lot of people rich, just not you. And it's not going to.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's the part Russell had a problem with.

[Brian Bishop]

He heard his own message at the very end when he singled out the rap community. Hip hop, like, it was all on point. And then he kind of went a different direction. Like rap and hip hop's to blame. It's like kind of you're chipping away at him.

[Adam Carolla]

He's called that a dangerous message.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it was all good until then.

[Adam Carolla]

I know Russell Simmons is an asshole. Right?

[Angie Hicks]

I think he was just saying that that's glorifies violence. I don't feel like that. Undermined.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I feel like it did. No, I don't. I disagree, Brian. I think what he's saying is that.

[Brian Bishop]

Not undermined, but distracted, maybe. I was thinking, like, it introduced another part that wasn't as important as those five things he was saying.

[Angie Hicks]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right. But either way, the tweets of Russell Simmons, calling him, you know, all kinds of names and dangers.

[Angie Hicks]

He called him a conservative, which I don't. Don Lemon. Conservatives love when we blame ourselves. Excuse me. For the condition of the community. You do disservice to black community. I didn't know Don Lemon was a conservative.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but. No, he's probably saying conservatives love it when black people tell other black people, get your shit together versus this is the man's fault. But you do a disservice to the black community. What disservice is raising your kids and becoming educated so that you can make more money and get yourself out of the cycle of poverty. This is the part that's vexing me about the whole thing. I don't mind the part where, okay, there's a problem. Okay, we need to address the problem. When Bill Cosby or Don Lemon, who happens to be black, says something about it, but they get ostracized, and it's like, well, then less people are gonna say. Less people in the community, as it were, are gonna say anything. Because Russell Simmons gonna get him to shut up, and then we're gonna keep the cycle going. Unless Russell Simmons has answers that he would like to provide. He doesn't seem to have answers. I'm not hearing answers.

[Angie Hicks]

The proper place to assign the blame.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It's more, shut up, racist. And then they move on.

[Brian Bishop]

It reminds me of in the 70s, John Lennon returned what was either a medal or some sort of official knighthood thing to the queen. It was a big deal in the 70s. He gave it back. And his thing was, I'm protesting the Vietnam War. I don't think it's right the way. Blah, blah, blah. And also I'm protesting the way that Double Fantasy has fallen down the charts or wherever the album was at the time. I think that's similar to, like, that Hurt. It would have been a powerful moment. But he kind of cut his own thing off at the knees a little bit by bringing something in that was not important to Simmons.

[Adam Carolla]

Jermaine, pardon the pun.

[Angie Hicks]

I think Simmons would have taken issue with it, even despite what he said at the end. Don't you, Brian? I think so. Because Simmons has a problem with him saying, hey, pull up your pants.

[Brian Bishop]

As hip hop mogul Russell Simmons, I think it gave him an in. It gave him, oh, yeah, this is my avenue.

[Adam Carolla]

But you don't. You don't. I don't probably go in thinking, what's Russell Simmons think every morning when I put my pants on?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, by the way, is that something. People do that if you go to school, that's acting white? I've never, ever heard that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that a thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, no, not if you go to school. If you go to school and study, you stab someone. Yeah. I'm just telling you. I'm just reporting. Yeah. It's the talk that way, study that way, acting white.

[Angie Hicks]

But if it's like doing what the white man says with will get you.

[Brian Bishop]

This is horrible logic. Then what would the opposite be? Would the opposite be true? If you don't go to school, you don't study. Would that be acting black?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think. Not by their logic, pardon the pun. A lot of them don't stay in math class long enough to do that math. But the it is an interesting, better sniff on that one. That was a double barreled sniff, right?

[Angie Hicks]

That's a good question. What would be considered being authentic?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Angie Hicks]

I don't think it's just the inverse.

[Brian Bishop]

Like Dave Chappelle's sketch, keeping it real.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right, so that's something I've been sitting on. People been tweeting me, and it just bothers me, like, obviously there's a problem. Get on the same page. Let's get it solved. And every time somebody who points out a problem is called names by other people in the community just seems insane. Especially when it's like, don't throw trash on the ground. Pull up your pants and study again. That's basically a dietician saying, exercise and limit your caloric intake. And Russell Simmons is screaming, you're a heretic. I just don't get it. All right, Jay Moore waiting in the wings. We got a couple things. Dennis Miller, we got that as well. Jay, by the way, specifically requested, blah, blah, blah.

[Brian Bishop]

He thinks, he claims he's unbeatable.

[Adam Carolla]

He claims he's unbeatable. He's gonna find out, basically. I can tell you from experience, blah, blah, blah is like throwing out the first pitch. You sit and watch people do it with a couple beers up in the cheap seats, and you go, oh, man, that senator's got a fucking horrible arm. And then you get out there in front of 50,000 people in your loafers with no glove in your other hand, and you've been throwing a softball for the last 15 years and throw it right into the fucking dirt.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he's like, nice grounder, Mayor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. You want to throw strikes all day, every day. Mental strikes. Lumosity, baby. Oh, yeah. Nice one, ace. Man, Lumosity's been paying off. Lumosity.com I've really been thinking a lot about this, and so is science. If you think about the focus of the study of the brain over the last few years, it's through the roof, good and bad. You can hurt your brain. You can help your brain. You can exercise your brain. I say this to people all the time when they go, hey, how do you do this? How do you do that? How do you write a book? How do you make a documentary? You do it, baby. And when you do it, your brain gets a little stronger. It just peeled off 10 pushups and then you do the next thing and your Brain's that much stronger. That's how you can keep doing it. That's how you either become the Dyson.

[Brian Bishop]

Guy, inventing new vacuums.

[Adam Carolla]

I believe the Dyson guy does Lumosity. He has to.

[Angie Hicks]

Of course he has to. How else do you explain his pioneering in suction?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's cooler, the Dyson guy or Adam Levine? I'm gonna let you think about that.

[Angie Hicks]

I'm gonna think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

They both have to use this Lumosity. You put together exercises for your brain. It's neuroplasticity. You can play online, you can play at work. That's something the boss is not going to get pissed about. Hey, man, just doing push ups with my brain. Trying to make you more money, boss man. You can use your iPhone. Throw the Lumosity app right on there. Go to lumosity.com today. Click on the start training button. Create your own program. Select Adam Carolla from the drop down menu and start playing just like that. That's lumosity.com collect, I should say. Select see Adam Kroll from the drop down menu at signup.

[Brian Bishop]

More mental push ups, please.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Adam Levine or the Dyson vacuum guy, who's more comfortable in their own skin? Like, who would be less to be freaked out if a car backfired? Who'd be easier to pick up chicks with?

[Brian Bishop]

Adam Levine has tattoos. Like, you can tell he's trolling at one point, trying a little bit at one point he's like, he definitely tried to hurt Dyson. Guy is possibly a savant. He's a suction savant.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? Chuck Vant.

[Brian Bishop]

And you can learn a lot from him, hanging out with him. You know what I mean? Whereas with Adam Levine.

[Angie Hicks]

Dyson guy has nothing to prove. He's done it all already.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? He's lived in love.

[Angie Hicks]

He's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. As I said, one of the best standups out there, Dennis Miller, phoned into the show a little bit earlier today. We captured it on tape and we're going to play it back for you right now. And now on the line, friend and comedic great Dennis Miller. Dennis, you there? My friend?

[Jay Moore]

Carol, are you starting to move into that financial thing where I'll be reading about you outbidding Leno for Archduke Ferdinand's car from Sarajevo?

[Adam Carolla]

The one he was shot in? Yeah. The thing that's weird about Leno is have you ever been to Leno's garage? Yeah, it's a bunch of cars that are powered by steam and stopped by catgut. And I always laugh to myself. Because 40 years from now, some junior high student is going to write a book report or a report on the life of Jay Leno, and it's gonna say he died in 2033 in a steam car accident. And everyone's gonna go, we're driving hovercrafts. You're insane. What do you mean?

[Jay Moore]

It's like if Robert Fulton was Batman and he was taking you on a tour through the cave. And of course, this is my Bessemer converter mobile over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Fulton. Did he invent the steamboat or the. He did the steamboat. Right? Not the steamboat. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

He also invented blowing smoke out his ass. So you don't know if any claims are legit, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

The great Dennis Miller, by the way, can be found with Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon, two super funny cats. I always say to Kevin, and I think he knows it. I think he knows the spirit in which I intend this compliment, quietly, one of the funniest guys you'll ever meet.

[Jay Moore]

Jesus. He opens. Can you imagine that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Can you imagine him laying down that marker? I sit back there and you hear the cry. It's like that same feeling I had. I remember being at the Comedy Works in Denver one night, and they go, hey, we got a housewife opening for you. So I'm sitting in my room, you know, I don't watch many people open, and you just hear this, like, crazy cascade of laughter go out. It's Roseanne. Her name wasn't even Barr at that point. I think she was using her old man's name or something. And it's like, that's what Kevin is. I try to get there late because I don't want to hear that before I go on.

[Adam Carolla]

It is one of these things where you want the crowd to be entertained, but you don't want the who up there blowing up amps and burning their drum kit. Right.

[Jay Moore]

And that's Neyland. He's laying that down right out of the box. They're almost dissipated by the time you get up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I have. And by the way, that's Des Moines Fair. And in Iowa. And also Minnesota State Fair, St. Paul. That's August 10th, August 22nd. And then solo standup the 6th through the 7th. New Orleans in Las Vegas or the New Orleans.

[Jay Moore]

I think the Des Moines State Fair. I think they're actually, at this point, deep frying a Fry a Later machine.

[Adam Carolla]

If I'm not mistaken, they've deep fried a fry machine.

[Jay Moore]

Yes. They're actually taking a fry a later machine and coating it in Batter and then deep frying it in another larger fry a machine.

[Adam Carolla]

I do see that stuff where somebody says, you want the tempura cotton candy? And I go, really? I rarely say, I rarely side with the terrorists. But in this particular instance I do think they have a point that is.

[Jay Moore]

A little infidel esque. At some point when you're deep frying Snickers bars, I used to say that the difference between our culture and their culture, the reason they're always pissed over there is because every wall we have in our country has an ATM in it and every wall they have has exposed brick. I think when you boil it down, that's the difference between the two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and some rebar sticking out of it as well. Dennis, by the way, I know what it's like to do stand up with Dennis and Dennis, and I've said this, and again, it's a compliment, but when people say, who influenced you? Who made you want to get into comedy? Who were some of the guys you watched early on? I never say Dennis Miller, because I would watch Dennis Miller early on and go, I can't fucking do that. I certainly cannot do that.

[Jay Moore]

Well, both of us have made great hay off Arcania, my friends. The specificity of some of your references in not Taco Bell material and in 50 years will be. I called you, I didn't even know you that I was reading 50 Years, Walby Jigs. My wife said, what the fuck are you. We're on. This is Satellite, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Say whatever you like.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, she said, what the fuck are you laughing? Well, it's time to go to bed now, it's like midnight. I said, you know, this guy is just killing me. This is so up my bailiwick because of the Arcania, the references and the brusqueness of the delivery and that. It works perfectly for me, Adam. So if I could ever be lumped in with you, I'm a happy boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm honored that you're honored to be lumped in with this.

[Jay Moore]

Are you sitting on the third book now, Matt? You must be catharted out. I'm wondering where do you. You're not going to go to a ghost written thing, are you? You gotta write your own stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I do and you can tell me what you do.

[Jay Moore]

I don't publish because I'm lazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what you do do is you broadcast every day. I know because I listen and it's Dennis Miller show my neck of the woods. It comes on in the evenings, it's 10am to 1pm but you can go to DennisMillerRadio and findit.com if you'd like. So what you do for three or four hours a day is you create material. I mean, you interview guests and you give out, you know, you go to commercial break. But a lot of it is you.

[Jay Moore]

Creating material that stream of conscious like you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And so I do a daily podcast, and that's 90 minutes of spitting things out. And it's weird when you have to do that because you never know what's going to come out. The other day, for some unknown reason, you have thoughts that you would never have, which is, I said two podcasts ago that Steve Harvey is the black Dr. Phil. And then I had to start breaking down the game film going, they're big, they're bald, they both have prodigious mustaches, and nobody knows what either one of them does.

[Jay Moore]

Well, there's a chapter right there in.

[Adam Carolla]

The textbook, and I thought, yeah, what is that? And they both say a bunch of shit that sounds like something you've heard ten times, but yet people lap it up and they write books and they're rich beyond belief. But I've never met a human being that said, I'm a huge Steve Harvey fan or I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan. And then I said, yeah, where'd that come from? And I wrote it down. So if you do enough of that, at the end of a year, you'll have a book.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, well, that's true. Maybe I ought to go back and start gleaning the archives, because I know this Adam. I do find it easier to go on the radio unprepared and have adrenaline mixed with passes nowadays for inspiration and just yak for three hours in a stream of consciousness than I do. If somebody says, all right, they're going to have a writer's meeting, they want you to sit down at this time, at this date, at age 59, that gives me anxiety right out of the box. I think, oh, God, that sounds so stilted.

[Adam Carolla]

And then at some point you'll hear this term, he's the best punch up guy in the business. And that's when you know it's all over.

[Jay Moore]

Jimmy Vallenlee, baby. You always hear that about Jimmy in the room. He's a stone killer.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie Gordetsky is the best punch up guy in the business.

[Jay Moore]

And a sweet cat, though, man. He used to put together Christmas mixes for us at snl. It was one of my favorite gifts every year. Eddie's truly one of the sweet cats.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a Sweet guy. And I love to watch a fat guy eat, which is all. It's all we do. When you're sitting around that writer's table, you burn zero calories, but every 20 minutes someone goes, when's that food showing up?

[Jay Moore]

And it's like, yeah, Eddie's over there. He's like, if Ray Dawn Chong in Quest for Fire, met Friar Tuck.

[Adam Carolla]

That is perfect. Again, the live shows and what you can do if you want to see Dennis. And I have seen Dennis live. I've seen him on television.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, we had fun at that gig. What was it called? The Grove. It was interesting because he got a lot. You had my crowd. And your crowd was like the Sons of Anna Creek crowd or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Please, Dennis. I had a great time. But you do watch Dennis. And first off, I really do mean this. A half hour Dennis Miller set is an hour of Jeanine Garofalo set, which is a lot of walking around, a lot of dragging the hand through the hair, a lot of hands on hips and looking down. Dennis is a Gatling gun of comedy. It just literally cranks it up and the spent uranium shells come flying out at breakneck speed. And it's almost like when you watch an old time movie versus a new movie, when all the methods started coming in, you know what I mean? Like the pace those guys ran.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, it's like Monte Cliff before the car wreck on Mulholland. And after the pacing got all a little bojangled afterwards. I don't like sauntering because to me it seems like weak cheese. I don't like it when Tony Orlando's two songs in and he asks you to pick it up at the bridge. I'm thinking, hey, I'm in for 30 bucks. Why don't you sing the song, pal? So when I get up there, I do. It's funny you say Gatling gun because I always think of the old phrase from when I. One of my favorite movies, the FBI Story, which would be Stewart, Murray Hamilton. The burp gun, they always used to call it. I always think of it as a burp gun up there. Where? Yeah, I just want to rat a tat tat it, work the speed bag, and then throw it to whatever point you're supposed to get off. That last shot on the speed bag where you come across it with your elbow, you know that move, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's such a sweet move.

[Jay Moore]

Well, you're a boxer. I'd have to tell you, baby. You were in that WBC tournament with Jimmy Ellis and Leotis Martin and Thad Spencer, if I'm not mistaken.

[Adam Carolla]

God, you dig deep. Yeah. Ronaldo Snipes was in that one as well. Thank you.

[Jay Moore]

I love going inside with you. You're one of the few guys I can throw down. Carmen, bat Basilio on. And you don't think it's Snooky's new husband.

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you that I have a photograph of Carmen Basilio winning the, you know, junior lightweight or junior middleweight or whatever championship that's on my wall. And it's a perfect picture because it's black and white and the arenas were covered with smoke back in the day. The smoke adds so much ambiance. You know, when you're making an action movie, there's always smoke billowing up from the manhole cover as the guy walks in slow motion down the rain, slicked out. Boy, these photographs between everyone wearing a suit and a fedora, and they're beautiful.

[Jay Moore]

Those old shots, they give me goosebumps. As you describe it, I get goosebumps, the smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's just an incredible picture of Carmen Basilio. If you want some incredible comedy, you can go out and see not only Dennis, but Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon all at the Iowa State Fair. Also coming up, Minnesota State Fair. That's August 10th, August 22nd. And then alone. Solo, baby. How much time do you normally do when you go solo, Dennis?

[Jay Moore]

Like an hour and 15 or something. But I don't do that. I can't do that. I'm not Franz Klammer coming down the hill for the hour at 15. Somewhere in the middle. I'll take a little sorbet and throw out some new jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. By the way, that's the New Orleans, and that is coming up September 6th through the 7th, or September 6th and 7th. DennisMillerradioswareyougo.com if you want to check it out. And you can Twitter him.

[Jay Moore]

You're a mensch, baby. I couldn't be happier for your success, Adam. You're clocking it out of the park. To me, you're a proletariat hero. It's like Kerouac meets Will Rogers, man. I'm proud of you.

[Adam Carolla]

I love you, Dennis. And we'll have a new book for you real soon.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, baby.

[Jay Moore]

I can't wait. Later.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. And by the way, the great Dennis Miller, we are loaded for bear because Jay Moore coming in. Dennis Miller. Jay Moore. What a show. And another comedian. He is on line one, Ian Foley.

[Jay Moore]

Ian, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

How you doing, my friend?

[Jay Moore]

Good. Thanks for having me on, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

My pleasure. What do you got to tell me about road hard?

[Jay Moore]

Well, it's funny because I was complaining to my wife earlier, because as I'm speaking right now, I'm on the party at Adam's house, still promo, and I actually just posted me talking to you, making pasta, and promoing the website all at once.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of pasta are you making?

[Jay Moore]

It's from Reggio Emilia, Italy. What kind of pasta is this, baby?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what region of Italy it's from? Spaghetti.

[Jay Moore]

No, my wife is from Italy, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jay Moore]

He shows me how to make it, so I don't really know. I can barely speak Italian as it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know what I. You know what I hate? What? I. I hate that my. I'm half Italian and not passionate at all. They've, like, fucking barely ever. Barely have a pulse.

[Jay Moore]

You caught a break with that, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah, I just. I don't. There's two things that piss me off. I'm a Gemini, so people like, oh, split personality. And I'm like, now half a personality. I got pre nap and post nap.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone else got my personality for their two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And the other thing is the Italian part. Like, I'm not zesty, and I have half a personality. You know what I'm saying? It's like.

[Angie Hicks]

You ever switched at the hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, Sorry. Keep going. I'm sorry, Ian.

[Jay Moore]

No, I put my headphones on because I couldn't hear very well. I mean, you know, you're catching a break. Italians are spicy or whatever, but, I mean, they're just like us, really.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you calling from, huh? Scintillating talk.

[Jay Moore]

I can't hear you very well, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Can you hear me now?

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing the exact same thing. Why is it they can always hear you now just because you say, can you hear me now?

[Brian Bishop]

I blame Verizon.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a fucking landline over there, Ian?

[Jay Moore]

I mean, I haven't had a. I'm on the road. I'm in Chicago, and then I'm leaving for Detroit tomorrow, so. Yeah, I don't. I'm doing what I can.

[Adam Carolla]

You doing? Stand up.

[Jay Moore]

We're recording the Detroit Comedy Festival, so I'm the sound engineer for my podcast. So I do the recordings from flying.

[Adam Carolla]

In for that Detroit Comedy Fest. Sounds like, you know, Beirut, Jumpy Castle. Like, oh, my God, people are crying. Houses are burning. There's looting going on.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a line out of roadheart.

[Allison Rosen]

Good news.

[Brian Bishop]

I got you booked headlining at the Detroit Comedy Fest.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy Fest. Like, I come there, and the Mayor's leaving town with his giant key, like, running down the street. Sit behind it. He's fending off an angry mob with his giant key, swinging it like Neo in the mat. I'll cut ya. He's wearing his mare hat and his spats.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll do it. I'm crazy.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I mean, you only have five people looting. It's not gonna be that crazy, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so anyway, you can join the party at my house by going to www.partyatadamshouse.com and thank you so much, Ian. Or the connection's bad and you're making your pasta and your wife's all zesty. So you don't. You don't need. You don't need me. All righty. Jay Moore is out there, which is exciting. We got some big mama got it all. We have some blah, blah, blah. He better not smoke us.

[Angie Hicks]

I feel like you have made it so by saying how hard it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

A quick thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Angie Hicks]

I thought of two names for, you know, your football team that has feral cats and stuff on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I have. Divigorous lover. I have.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a lineman.

[Adam Carolla]

Librarian Booker.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a linebacker. Right. Defensive end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Librarian.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's wide out. He's got wheels. Librarian Booker. And then there's feral Katz. He's a big run stopping kind of nose guard.

[Angie Hicks]

Well, if there's room for two more. Oscar buzz and Marshall kicker.

[Brian Bishop]

Oscar Buzz. Retired in 1962.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he kicked for Miami for a while.

[Brian Bishop]

He played in a Lombardi Shula.

[Adam Carolla]

Oscar law. Not bad. Oscar buzz and martial law. Martial law. Martial law. Yeah. I like this. A little more pro wrestling, but good.

[Brian Bishop]

Martial law is a defensive back.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Like ty law and lawyer and the law. All the law people go into the defensive backfield.

[Adam Carolla]

Start a firm. All right, we will take ourselves a quick break. Jay Moore in studio. Next.

[Jay Moore]

Hey, Adam, you were talking about service dogs. I got a note from my boss today. I work in a porn store that we are now supposed to allow service dogs into the store for people who have anxiety about buying products from my store. So it's even getting crazier. Love the show, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Bye.

[Giovanni]

Try eboyz free for 30 days. Go to evoice.com and use the promo code, Adam. Or click the evoice [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

It'S got to be weird when the guy's like, take some ass lube, butt plug. You guys sell peanut butter. The dog gives the look. The dog does that weird move where the tail Slides under. That's a Scooby move. Jay Moore in studio.

[Brian Bishop]

How's it, brother?

[Adam Carolla]

How's it, Jay? I was telling the story. I was very impressed. Sitting in the green room of the Will Turn theater, just moments before Jay stormed the stage and rocked that place, Mike August, in between bites of whatever variety pack of cookie was back there, said, hey, I was at Chicago last night, and Al Pacino took the stage. And Jay went, yeah, see if that's true. Just picked his phone up and hit it. And seven seconds later, oh, I was.

[Allison Rosen]

Wondering when I would hear her get back from you again.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he said. Here we are.

[Allison Rosen]

How the part you're omitting. Hello, bald Brian. Good day to you, sir. And my dear Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello.

[Allison Rosen]

The part that I think I listened to the Morning after podcast, the Monday with James Dean right after the show. Well, I listen every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And the thing that you leave out is that fucking lummox Mike August at a Chicago concert. Filming Pacino on stage is filming the fucking scoreboard of Pacino. Like, the monitors on either side of the stage. Instead of just going five feet to his left and seeing a live in person, Al Pacino here, I. Is it 26 or is it 5 to 1? I don't know no more. We've been at it so long. Hammering away. Danny Seraphim's wig fell off, and now he's just going bald. That's how long I've been on stage with Chicago.

[Brian Bishop]

He's filming Danny Seraphin digging deep.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's how he's filming that. Yes, filming the.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like you will be at a ball game or at a Laker game or something. You go, oh, shit. I've been looking at the fucking scoreboard for like five seconds.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm an idiot.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you look at the actual course.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is the life. The life that we're doing now. You go doing. But we're engaging in this life where you go to the luxury box and you sit in the luxury box and you stare at the monitor that's in the corner of the luxury box with your back turned to the fucking Lakers game. I mean, it's just kind of what we're used to now. But he claims he was too far away to see Al. Al's not a big target.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the problem, though.

[Adam Carolla]

He was showing you on his phone.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't show other celebrities. Celebrities like Jay Moore's gonna go, oh, my God. But I say.

[Allison Rosen]

That was my. Oh, my God. Oh, My God, I could obliterate Mike August and make Carolla think I'm cool.

[Adam Carolla]

He called him. He put him on speaker and he called him, and he was on the. He pick up, like, the second ring.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I'm gonna play Joe Paterno. It was a good script.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he said.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Jerry, there's children lifting weights in the basement. I don't understand. We're just going to the fourth read defense. Oh, why did you say so? But it's the old. It's the Saturday Night Live trick when they go. I think it was actually. It was Mike Myers that told me, if you're reading the cards, stay reading the cards the whole time. No one will know you're not, you know, even in the same room. But the moment you go from the card to looking down the barrel and back or looking at anything else, they know the difference. Especially when a Weekend Update. Just keep reading the cards. You're never looking into the camera when you're doing Weekend Update. It's a cue card next to it. But if you hold that gaze, nobody knows. So if he just kept it on that video screen and said, I was all the way in the back. But the fact that that dope actually panned five feet to the left to see Chicago from the 20th row and then went back to the video screen. He is a high pelican.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you want to talk about high pelican? I mean, you want to talk about just one upper, And I love him. The one upper part is, you go to a Chicago concert, Al Pacino takes the stage. You get your Samsung phone and go, hey, everyone gather around. And one of the guys who's sitting there goes, gather around this bitch. Samsung's play. I literally hits dial, and Al Pacino's talking on the other end.

[Angie Hicks]

August reaction.

[Adam Carolla]

He just wants to go in.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't understand it was speakerphone.

[Brian Bishop]

He goes.

[Allison Rosen]

Ask him about. I'm like, he can hear you, Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's.

[Allison Rosen]

The weird thing about Al is he always picks up. And I think, he's not a bull.

[Adam Carolla]

In the china shop. He's a moose in a porta potty. Like, he's already mashed in there. He's making contact with all four walls and the ceiling. Like, he's talking to Jay. Jay's got him on speaker, and he's like, ask him about the ninth time he did that song. And it's like he's hearing. He could hear you, Mike. Everyone else is quiet, like, oh, my God, this is.

[Allison Rosen]

Leave me a message. That's the outgoing message.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of Mike August and his predilection towards eating you mentioned he does resemble. Who? Who, Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's Katie Lang?

[Brian Bishop]

Looks like Katie Lang. We have a new song in we never played before. I'd like to debut it right now. As long as we're talking about Michael.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's play it. Oh, it's K.D. lang.

[Angie Hicks]

You knew that.

[Adam Carolla]

So fast day that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Leaves his plates clean. If it's true you are what you eat, then he's everything. Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

He's always.

[Allison Rosen]

Eating free food is his main weakness. He's the world's cheapest guy. Once saw him in Central park fighting squirrel for a fry. Cost us grazing.

[Adam Carolla]

He's all crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

Crazy. It's an opus.

[Jo Koy]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no happier man in that green room than in between the two sets. During the admission. When it was time to come in and we were gonna hang out for 20 minutes and go back on stage, Jay said we should get some sushi going back here. And then Mike put his old lady on it. And then Jay and Mike stood and ate the sushi. You know the Stand? Mike's a stander.

[Allison Rosen]

The guy in the area. I learned that from Guy Fieri on the Food Network. How to stand properly and eat food.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mike realized.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you take the accordion out of that song. It's bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds just like bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Finding your diary underneath a tree.

[Allison Rosen]

You know bread? What you know about Bread, man?

[Adam Carolla]

I know he is the name of Bread album.

[Allison Rosen]

Not called the Best of Bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had pumpernickel. That's the black album or the brown one? No. I don't know. They found a diary underneath a tree, and he started reading about me. Who would keep a diary underneath a tree? It sounds like.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you name a Bread album?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Can anyone ever in the world please tweet me? Because all I know is the best of bread, but I don't know bread.

[Adam Carolla]

They sing about firing, finding diaries under trees.

[Allison Rosen]

And Aubrey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Pacino's on stage with him right now somewhere singing, I'm sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you guys know the words to Aubrey? Maybe you can help us all sing along with it. Now picture my eyes when I say the word.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna get real wide.

[Allison Rosen]

They're real wide. We're gonna do another song. Isn't that a good time? It's Bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Jay Moore, by the way, you can find him doing stand up Ford theaters. Is it theaters or theaters?

[Allison Rosen]

Twitter is theaters. The Ford Theater on Cahuenga Pass, right across from the Hollywood Bowl. That's a cool show.

[Adam Carolla]

That's September 6th. And then stand up live in Phoenix September 19th through the 22nd. Also, of course, the radio show. Kate Moore sports. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

More than the radio show. Could you let people know maybe? It's September 6th. I'm actually emceeing for Wayne Kramer and Billy Bragg and the Blasters, so that's really cool. That's, like, maybe best show of the year category.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, that place used to be called the John Anson Ford Theater. Yeah. It's, like, across from the Hollywood Bowl.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's on Coinga Pass.

[Angie Hicks]

It's a really pretty theater.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you pass it nestled up in the hills.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then one day there's a show and you're like, why can't I fucking get home?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wow.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a theater right here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where the cunt who lives in the hills lives. Who, on a clear day, she can see. Yeah, she can see forever.

[Angie Hicks]

Wait, where's the Wayne Kramer Show?

[Allison Rosen]

That's at the Ford Theater on Cuenga Pass. Wayne Kramer, Billy Bragg. And they just asked me to emcee, and I was like, yeah, that won't be a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to a free concert there in, like, 1982. Oh, John Hyatt.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the Naughty Sweeties. Oh, that's how goddamn old I am. Big mama got it all.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're a panic, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I gotta tell ya, I got a couple little problems.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. First of all, there's no reason for you to have problems out of Corolla, my big white son. What's the problem?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I got into trouble for stealing music online.

[Allison Rosen]

Everybody does that now, Sam. Music?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, but they, like, got my email or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Who got your email?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if it was Sony or who. It was Sonny. Sony?

[Allison Rosen]

Sonny stole the money from the man.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a different story.

[Allison Rosen]

Chico and the Man. Governor Brown?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Jose Feliciano.

[Allison Rosen]

Governor Brown? What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't download Jose Feliciano.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, just.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't you email big [e-mail]? you know, read. I'll handle it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you'll take care of it?

[Allison Rosen]

Cyberspace is when I feel free.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's where you express yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

I work the jab real well in cyberspace also. So many problems for my son. I don't understand it. Allison, please. We're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to go. I want to see Elysium. But it was sold out. I know it sounds like that a big deal. I got a precious metal Elysium.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that my niece?

[Adam Carolla]

Elysium.

[Allison Rosen]

Elysium. Come on in there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it may be Elysium and Arteza twins.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I don't know them. I didn't want to go see them. I'm not saying.

[Allison Rosen]

I think what he's trying to tell you is there's a band I'm singing with and he can't get tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

It's this little man. It's orange.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt Damon's in it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, why don't we just get.

[Adam Carolla]

The bootleg David D. Oh, I don't know. I'm already in trouble because of the music.

[Allison Rosen]

Mama got it all. Let's just sit on the couch and watch Alicia by itself. We ain't gotta go no theater, get no popcorn. Let's just enjoy ourselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I, I. But again, I'm already in trouble with the music down there.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you ain't in trouble, baby. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. You ain't in trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that's, that's that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's your mind. You got to let your mind free. Okay? You. You. Mm. See, now you talking like big mama got it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You allow yourself. You're in the prison when you think y' all in trouble. Adam Corollas, I. Brian, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm kind of ashamed to say this, but I failed a field sobriety test.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna say, if you say driver's test again, I'm gonna blow the motherfucking place up.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no time. I'm in here.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta talk to the goddamn driving man.

[Adam Carolla]

No problem. Is you.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's the driving man?

[Adam Carolla]

You got the driving man. You got the license. But then I had a couple of beers and I got pulled over.

[Allison Rosen]

So you're big man. Adam Corolla. My son is 6 foot 4, 240, iron rod, hammer steel, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm not that strong.

[Allison Rosen]

All your liquor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, this maybe the breathalyzer said I had a little too much.

[Allison Rosen]

What it say? That's a computer. Computers ain't right. Computer only as smart as the man that program.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't say anything.

[Allison Rosen]

It's only as smart as the. Have you met the man that programmed the computer?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't know who do the.

[Allison Rosen]

Computer that program the computer.

[Adam Carolla]

I told. I told Jay on stage. I said, I said, I'm really pissed at my driving instructor, GM. And I said, Mr. Gregory, he failed me in Driver's Ed. And Big Mama wanted to take care of Mr. Gregory. And I said no, we'd have to build a time machine for that.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's get on it.

[Adam Carolla]

And Big Mama didn't know what a time machine.

[Allison Rosen]

A what?

[Adam Carolla]

A time machine.

[Allison Rosen]

A watch.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a machine that tells the machine. A time machine is different than a machine that tells time.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

What was your. What was the levels when you blew your test?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Sobriety.

[Allison Rosen]

Was you in a field?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Point.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Was you in a field?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a field. So it says field. Well, no, it's called field sobriety. Okay, but you don't have to be in a field.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, why not?

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought about that.

[Allison Rosen]

Big Mama ain't no street sobriety test. It ain't no My son, Adam Carolla driving under the influence sobriety test, Right? It was a field, right? Was you in a field?

[Adam Carolla]

No, we weren't.

[Allison Rosen]

It destroyed right out of court. There's no Judge Von Ventura. I said, cat is I'm wild, I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

A mad woman now I love.

[Allison Rosen]

What did you blow now? What was your drink?

[Adam Carolla]

I was drinking Mangria.

[Allison Rosen]

Ain't nobody get drunk on wine. You ain't not gonna drink. A proverb on wine. You don't even drink no more wine. I don't drink. I only drink beer now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is light.

[Allison Rosen]

Corona is my spot.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but this has like 21% alcohol.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on. That's just grape juice, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is kind of fortified, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Know, fortified with essential minerals and vitamins, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So you get pulled over drinking Yoo Hoo, they ain't gonna write you up no summons for no motherfucking Yoo.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're right. We weren't in a field. And it was just fruit punch. It's. Yeah, but it's packs a punch.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not your fault if fermented. Whose fault if I leave orange juice? Can I ask you a question?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, big mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I ask you a question? If I leave some orange juice in my refrigerator and it goes bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Am I to blame?

[Adam Carolla]

You mean if it ferments, am I to blame? No.

[Allison Rosen]

I drink it and I go, ooh, this tastes nasty. But I keep going. Cause I keep got the thirst.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

It's hot.

[Allison Rosen]

I got the sugar, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that my fault?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it my big white son at a Corolla phone?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

This case ain't gonna see the light of day. I would talk to Judge Bon and Ventura.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Giovanni]

He's my man.

[Allison Rosen]

Judge Bon and Ventura owe Big Mama God a couple favors. Got me my scratch offs.

[Brian Bishop]

I know him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he gets your scratchers.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe a little more than that. You know, I would leave it at that note because I don't want to work blue in front of my son.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the California Lottery is.

[Allison Rosen]

What, under my titties right now?

[Adam Carolla]

Like I can powder. I'll hold them while you powder them.

[Allison Rosen]

You're such a good son.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the lottery's at, like, I don't know, 400 million bucks or something.

[Allison Rosen]

I waste my time till they get around a billion.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna fuck around, waste my time. What am I gonna do? 400. That's only $250 million after taxes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it seems like a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Of money to me, Big Mama, but you gotta think big.

[Jo Koy]

Don't you See?

[Allison Rosen]

Y' all prisoner.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a prisoner?

[Allison Rosen]

You're a prisoner in your mind.

[Adam Carolla]

I am.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm depressed. I got problems. I'm kind of bummed out. I'm ashamed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The lottery's 400 millions. I better get up off the couch and not watch Elysium with me. Mama got it on. Get my scratch off ticket on. Come on. Who cares? We're living good. Drink some of that crab juice.

[Adam Carolla]

You like it. Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Big Mama got it all.

[Allison Rosen]

It ain't liquor. It's good for you. I put in your lunchbox when you was a kid. You don't even know, remember?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I don't remember my entire childhood.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't remember because Big Mama got all. Got the mangorian little lunchbox.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Big Mama got all. We're gonna do some blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. Are you Jewish?

[Adam Carolla]

People think I'm Jewish?

[Allison Rosen]

No, the girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Allison. Yeah, I think she may. She didn't know until she was older. She found out, like, last Wednesday. So it's kind of touchy. Yeah. You're okay with the Jews, aren't you?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I love the Jews. Jews.

[Jo Koy]

You do?

[Allison Rosen]

Judge Mama Toro is half Italian, half Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

And you guys, that's my main motherfu. That's my man.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you guys. What's your relationship?

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want to give it to Big Mama. Got no business. Now, come on, now.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

Out of Kamala.

[Allison Rosen]

You just worry about drinking your grape juice, driving your car, your fancy cars, half naked girls run up and all down your studio tweeting out the photos.

[Adam Carolla]

Excuse me for saying, but I feel like sometimes the black community and the Jewish community. I know there's a little friction there.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh no.

[Allison Rosen]

Bim on the Gallo. We gotta unlock that.

[Adam Carolla]

You got on lockdown.

[Allison Rosen]

Rabbi Willie and me are tight. We play dominoes in spades together. He come on over.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me ask you, big mama. I don't know how to play dominoes. I don't feel like white people know how to play dominoes.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's just a counting game. You just gotta be good at counting.

[Adam Carolla]

But we just set em up and knock em down.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's fine. That's a good game too. Engage. Look, idle hands is the devil's work.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Idle hands. Hands is the devil's work. So as long as you do something with the dominoes, don't worry about if you're counting or.

[Adam Carolla]

But a counter. What?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh huh? Say what now?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying white people just set them up and then knock them down.

[Allison Rosen]

They should. Ain't white people fucking around a car if they was playing dominoes?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm saying. But ironically, some of the best counters on the planet, the Asian folks, they set them up and knock them down too. They just do a better job than white people. A what? Asian.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's that? Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Asian.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oriental. Oriental.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like a Chinese person?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay, yeah. I didn't know that about them. They're like a stereotype. Stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they call them Asian.

[Allison Rosen]

A stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

A stereotype.

[Allison Rosen]

Stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

Stereotype.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the stereotype of an Asians that they count. That's a stereotype?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it is.

[Allison Rosen]

For who?

[Adam Carolla]

For America.

[Allison Rosen]

Society. That's the stereotype. American. That count?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they, I think they're just a little better at math.

[Brian Bishop]

I think.

[Allison Rosen]

How much grape is left in this juice, baby? Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying they're good at math. Math. That's all I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Americans.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, Asians.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's. Oh, oh. Can I ask you a question? Are you trying to tell big mom I got all the stereotype of Asians that they're good at math?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the stereotype. And so I find it ironic. Ironic.

[Angie Hicks]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I find it ironic that I can turn on, you know, go to YouTube and you see that some Japanese guy and he set up a labyrinth of these dominoes and he's knocking them over. But I'm not playing dominoes.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you know he didn't just win?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he set it up to look like a grand piano. And then he knocked it over piano style. Oh, that's a game.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you play poker? There's five car, seven card, Texas hold em all. The other kind, Deuce is wild, Deuce big and low, all them stuff. When you play dominoes, you can play grand piano. Not come all over with a Chinese man when you're done.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a game.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, everything's a game when you hire man, green man, me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'm not.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. You know what? I'm not myself right now. You pass me my vapor rub.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play some games. So you didn't know the whole.

[Allison Rosen]

What the was that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, you didn't know the whole stereotype thing with that?

[Allison Rosen]

Stereotype?

[Adam Carolla]

Stereotype.

[Allison Rosen]

Walking up the stairs. Stairs.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's different kind.

[Allison Rosen]

I know about stereotype. They tell my baby all the time car stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

It's, it's. What I'm saying is maybe you are prisoner.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you got problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a prisoner.

[Allison Rosen]

In my mind, my son's batshit banana crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, what I'm saying is you.

[Allison Rosen]

Live in a crazy house and you is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen. No, no, listen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying there's certain cultural stereotypes.

[Allison Rosen]

A stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. And that's like when a certain culture. Bald is better. It's better.

[Allison Rosen]

Could you hand me my prescription?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, sure. Here you go. Oh, which one?

[Allison Rosen]

Next to the big bro.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. Sarah Tagona.

[Adam Carolla]

Where certain groups.

[Allison Rosen]

I love you, son.

[Adam Carolla]

I love you. Certain groups are better at certain things.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like certain culture might be better.

[Allison Rosen]

The Miami Heat are better at basketball than everybody else.

[Adam Carolla]

Than the chaplains, right? Yeah, but they didn't beat Asians.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'll explain it to you after the show.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you got problems. You all mixed up.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just saying you gotta get back on the liquor because your mind's not right. You gotta free your mind. Your ass will follow.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, big mama. You wanna what? You want to play some blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Say what now?

[Adam Carolla]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you know Jonathan Quick is quick?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You want to play some blah, blah, blah? Okay, we'll show you how.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going my other boy back in here. He's going to play Jay. Oh, you know Jay?

[Adam Carolla]

I love Jay.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, he got a big forehead, that boy. He ain't right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you guys are right.

[Allison Rosen]

He's right behind. He's almost ball prime.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are unlikely couple, you two.

[Allison Rosen]

I love him to deaf. Do you? Yeah. Homosexual, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think he's gay.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I know he's gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, he's not gay.

[Allison Rosen]

Judge told me he gay.

[Adam Carolla]

The judge did?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on with the judge?

[Allison Rosen]

What's the difference? Here come the judge. You never. Flip Wilson broke it down. Yeah. No judge. Might have been to me. That boy gay wrote him a summons.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, Flip Wilson?

[Allison Rosen]

J. Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, J. Moore. J. Moore.

[Allison Rosen]

J. Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just J. Moore.

[Allison Rosen]

No, see, maybe that's just there tonight type J. Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's singular. It's not plural.

[Allison Rosen]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Plural.

[Allison Rosen]

What now? Is that a fruit? Take a plum. Who's that lady? Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's that lady? Hey, Norm. Oh, God. She's a handful.

[Allison Rosen]

I meant to say, how much fucking juice is left in this grape? But instead I think she was all she said, how much grape is left in this juice? I. I was trying to fucking tap out. You had me in the Kimura and.

[Adam Carolla]

I was just banging on your fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

Back and the ref couldn't see me tapping. Holy smokes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me give a little love to one of our sponsors.

[Jay Moore]

Let's play some games.

[Adam Carolla]

Dollar Shave Club. Jay, what did you say to me an hour and a half ago?

[Allison Rosen]

We were recording the More Stories podcast and I told you. Are you down with the dollarshaveclub.com revolution?

[Adam Carolla]

And you answer it today?

[Allison Rosen]

It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I said.

[Allison Rosen]

I cannot believe how great these razors are. And it's absurd that when you use them, it's one of those things that the first time you use them, you go, well, what's that hunk of shit I've been using that I thought was like the height of technology for some reason, this guy, and when I met the guy, when he told me about the razors, I'm like, yeah, that'll be real graze. This guy went into the razor business.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's working, man. I mean, you can't get the roller skates and the keys matched up. I have the cartridges, I have the handles. I have five different handles. They have the ones with the flashlight in it that vibrates and stuff. Screw all that. DollarShaveClub.com High quality razors delivered to your door for just a couple bucks a month, 100% guaranteed and sent on schedule. You never think about it again. Smart people, check this stuff off your list. This is right up there with my buy 5 nail clippers and just spread them around your house because you don't want to spend 45 minutes staring, searching for an 89 cent item.

[Allison Rosen]

People think about you in the morning when they're shaving.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to dollarshaveclub.com Adam and you'll get even more savings. Support the show. Click on the Dollar Shave Club banner at AdamCarolla.com all right, now, Jay's been talking a pretty big story about blah, blah, blah. He's gonna find out.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think I've lost in my car with my wife driving cross country.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I've lost one. Find out what it's like. Step into the octagon.

[Brian Bishop]

I got maybe an insight into Jay's potential advantage. When I walked in the studio before the show, his wife was on the couch looking at Us Weekly magazine. I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm reading the news.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an insider source.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta brush up on what Caroline.

[Jo Koy]

Manzo has to say.

[Allison Rosen]

What are you talking about? Advantage? My mind's too filled with none.

[Adam Carolla]

It's time for blah, blah, blah.

[Giovanni]

The game where we match the celebrity.

[Adam Carolla]

With their online Jesus. Let's play Dawson. Yeah, he's way out of line. All right, here we go. I'm gonna. I'm gonna keep score here.

[Giovanni]

Bradley Manning was convicted on 20 of 22 counts, including violating the Espionage act, releasing classified information, and disobeying orders. That's the bad news. The good news is he was found not guilty on the charge of aiding the enemy. That's cause who he was aiding was us, the American people. And we're not the enemy, right? Is it Michael Moore? It's Alec Baldwin, John Penn, or Glenn Close.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he related to Danny Manning, is what I want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is tough because Mike does this to me all the time. He throws the Glenn Close out there.

[Allison Rosen]

You read the last three sentences for me, Dawson.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would it be? Go ahead.

[Giovanni]

The good news is he was found not guilty on the charge of aiding the enemy. That's cause who he was aiding was us, the American people. And we're not the enemy. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Michael Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Michael Moore.

[Allison Rosen]

So you guys get in your own head. I've listened to this game a hundred times.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys stare.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe it's because you guys are the photos.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm. You know, I'm going Penn.

[Angie Hicks]

I'm going with J. More.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't write it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going with Jay Moore. So who you going with?

[Angie Hicks]

Michael Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's done first? All right, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Sean Penn.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't he be the outlier? Just take Glenn Close. You could pull way ahead in this. See how I mind tricking mine?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

These are the droids you're looking for.

[Giovanni]

The blog belongs to Michael Moore.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me circle that right here.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Here we go.

[Allison Rosen]

It is a knee jerk game.

[Giovanni]

It certainly is unfair. Unfortunate for all involved that Anthony Weiner's personal dilemma has hijacked the mayoralty mayorality race in New York. This election, in my opinion, is a pivotal one for New York as the city struggles to redefine itself while climbing out from under the suffocating barrage of Michael Bloomberg's 12 year attempt at reshaping New York into an American Singapore. After Bloomberg, New York would benefit by electing an official who demonstrates some affairs affinity for the needs of its middle class citizens. But Wiener can't be that person.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoever it is, I loathe them.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Is it Russell Simmons?

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Giovanni]

Alec Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Or Joy Behar?

[Allison Rosen]

It's Baldwin all right. Just. Just Jumper doesn't give a rat's ass about the mayorality of Manhattan.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, what do you think?

[Allison Rosen]

Do I'm going to give you guys reasons why I come to problem too.

[Angie Hicks]

Except it's. Well, I was going to say except it's not funny. And doesn't he usually skew funny? But he doesn't always. When he blogs, I'm going Baldwin.

[Allison Rosen]

It is a handful of words.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian Behar.

[Giovanni]

All right, the blog belongs to Alec Baldwin.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, two and oh, two and oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna be so painful if you come in here and die.

[Allison Rosen]

Mama. Got it. I'll tell you that I got the gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Things can turn around very quickly in this game.

[Allison Rosen]

Not really.

[Brian Bishop]

Joy.

[Allison Rosen]

Mayor sitting around like typing, typing, typing, typing. Mayorality.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right. All right, here we go.

[Giovanni]

It used to be if you were 16 and pregnant, you would get in trouble. Now you get a reality show.

[Allison Rosen]

Nikki Cox.

[Giovanni]

You get arrested on TV after a drunken binge and become an instant millionaire. Compromise your morals and make a sex tape and it may get you enough attention to land a lucrative fragrance deal. What kind of message does this send to young people? Why is it the television networks today feel the need to reward bad behavior?

[Adam Carolla]

Charles.

[Giovanni]

The simple answer is increased competition for ratings and money. But celebrating stupidity by mainstream media is not morally justified.

[Allison Rosen]

Who writes this in a blog?

[Giovanni]

Is it Roseanne Barr? Shirley Temple, Robin Quivers? Or Tom Green?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Angie Hicks]

Tom Green.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna tell you something right now. This is the hardest One since I've.

[Brian Bishop]

Been listening to the Adam old person.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, because there's no, like, it's not funny me. It's not really that interesting. It's just about the morality of reality stars.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know who needs their voice heard to this extent. Especially when it falls somewhere between no duh and no shit. Like all the stuff people have been saying for the last 10 years in our society. I am fucking flummoxed. I have no idea. Now the not that funny makes me think it's Roseanne.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But then there's Robin.

[Allison Rosen]

How about everyone's just not even looking at the Tom Green.

[Angie Hicks]

I already said I think it's Tom Green.

[Allison Rosen]

You think it's Tom Green?

[Jo Koy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He might be the worst. Blah, blah, blah. Mike, Tom Green's traveling around Canada getting laughs and selling T shirts. He's not going back to the Residence Inn and banging out a whole thing about fragrance odors.

[Adam Carolla]

Darn it. I'm going Roseanne.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Roseanne as well.

[Brian Bishop]

It sounds like Tom Green, but both Tom Green and Robin Quivers basically were or are our reality stars. Original reality stars. If you think about it, she's famous for being herself on a radio show on E. So I'd say yes, Roseanne Barr.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Roseanne. Roseanne. Roseanne.

[Brian Bishop]

Tom Green.

[Adam Carolla]

Tom Green.

[Giovanni]

The blog belongs to Tom Green.

[Allison Rosen]

Kiss my ass. I called.

[Angie Hicks]

No one even heard me.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Angie Hicks]

Early on, I said Tom Green.

[Allison Rosen]

In all fairness, I was in the room and I talked too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, wait a minute.

[Angie Hicks]

I'm in the league.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, you're running three zero.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Angie Hicks]

Don't worry, I will lose.

[Adam Carolla]

She always falls apart in the fourth quarter.

[Angie Hicks]

It's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you heard Joe DiMaggio?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I meant to ask about Joe. I went across Joe DiMaggio.

[Allison Rosen]

What's my name? Igo DiMaggio. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

For anyone under 19. They're laughing hysterically right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, answer. The next One is Joe DiMaggio.

[Giovanni]

The first bill Barack Obama signed into law as president was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay act, which helps women fight for equal pay. My aid work has taken me to countries where women are considered second class citizens with no rights and no hope for children change. Some of these women are so oppressed, it is considered offensive for them to look at another person directly in the eye.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we gotta move there.

[Giovanni]

America's inalienable rights for women set a standard, the ripples of which are felt throughout the world. Our belief in and insistence on equality is a Beacon of light in these communities.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are these colossal blowhards?

[Allison Rosen]

One of them was bald.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a single.

[Giovanni]

All right, is it Anne Hathaway? Ooh, Charlize Theron or Jane Fonda.

[Allison Rosen]

Charlize Theron.

[Adam Carolla]

Charlize.

[Angie Hicks]

Any of them.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Theron.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Anne Hathaway on this one. Shit.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think Hathaway's got the chops to pull that much cognitive thought together.

[Brian Bishop]

What did she say? My. My charitable work, my travels. My what? My. Something has taken me across the world. This is very self aggrandic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to find my aid work.

[Brian Bishop]

Aid work.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to find blowhards.

[Allison Rosen]

That's Fonda, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

It's hard to find.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a fucking 10 right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How old is she? 70 in that photo?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like a 10. It's hard to sit on any tank. You want blowhards with labias that are under 125 pounds and white as ghosts. But we have done it. This is it. Normally the blow hard is the realm of the heavy set. Dude, every once in a while there's a super proud woman of color.

[Angie Hicks]

The labia themselves weigh that much?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying chicks don't blow hard in the beginning. And then usually chicks under a buck 18 don't blow that hard. This is a.

[Allison Rosen]

Do they road hard?

[Adam Carolla]

This is a murderer's road fund. Anything.com of blow hard skinny chicks. All right, you know what drove me? You know why I hate Jane Fonda?

[Angie Hicks]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

She retired from acting for like 20 years and then came back to do the wedding plan. And it's like you came back to do a piece of shit rom com with J. Lo. Like, this is what drew you back. This is the script that drew you back.

[Allison Rosen]

Jamie Lee Curtis is doing fucking diarrhea yogurt commercials. Who gives a shit if she didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Retire for 20 years?

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not. It wasn't her decision.

[Allison Rosen]

She volunteered. She got put away. If she was a horse, they would have put her down. Okay, it was 48 hours. And go.

[Adam Carolla]

Jamie's a dear friend. Please stop talking.

[Allison Rosen]

Jamie is a dear friend of yours.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Angie Hicks]

That'd be hilarious. If it turned out she really was.

[Allison Rosen]

Though, it would surprise me.

[Adam Carolla]

We go to the same barber Ace man.

[Brian Bishop]

Jay Lee.

[Allison Rosen]

And then I saw her at Vons and I was telling fucking Mike August. Mike August puts her on speakerphone.

[Adam Carolla]

He just run talking about the food.

[Allison Rosen]

Shit was bananas.

[Adam Carolla]

How was day old pastry shelf?

[Allison Rosen]

Ask her about when she mount date in Chicago.

[Adam Carolla]

How's day Old Bakery. Good.

[Allison Rosen]

It's where it's. You know, it's fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. It's good. Fire.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, hold on. Let me open my eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Check the produce department.

[Allison Rosen]

Leave it to Mike August. Have eyes like Dr. Phil.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, who do I pick?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. I got Theron. My wife is jumping up and down. Hathaway.

[Adam Carolla]

I got Hathaway.

[Brian Bishop]

Charlize seems.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course you and your goddamn secret lover have the same person.

[Brian Bishop]

She seems too cool to talk like this.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's that?

[Brian Bishop]

Charlize seems too cool. I was saying Hathaway.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Hathaway. Could I change it? Oh, no. Do whatever.

[Angie Hicks]

I'm torn between Theron and Fonda, but Fonda is doing newsroom now, so I don't think she's traveling. So I'm gonna go with Charlize Theron.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now, so two Charlize Therons.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And two Hathaways. Here we go.

[Giovanni]

The blog belongs to Anne Hathaway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're back. We're back. All right. You more than me now. Wait a minute. Let's see. Brian's on. Got on the board. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Crawling my wife or the goddamn dream team.

[Adam Carolla]

Jay, we're all knotted up here. My friend. And Allison still leading. We head into the championship round.

[Angie Hicks]

I'm a sore winner.

[Adam Carolla]

She rarely wins.

[Angie Hicks]

I won't, though. Yeah, I. Crap.

[Allison Rosen]

How many are left?

[Giovanni]

We have one left. And then a tiebreaker if necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

One left. All right, here we go.

[Giovanni]

I think people are just creative, and this can be expressed in a number of ways. Bob Dylan and David Bowie create both music and art. Michelangelo could paint and sculpt. For me, art is just another way of expressing myself. One of the things I like most is starting something that is entirely yours conceptually and artistically, and seeing it through to the end with no input from anyone else. An entirely different dynamic to being in a band, which is a melting pot of opinions and influences.

[Adam Carolla]

Peter Norman North.

[Giovanni]

Is it Dave Matthews? Tom York from Radiohead?

[Brian Bishop]

Amanda Bynes?

[Giovanni]

Or Stones guitarist Ron Wood?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Brian, you're pretty much.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't win this.

[Adam Carolla]

You're eliminated here.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Brian Bishop]

I'm down by two with one.

[Allison Rosen]

So we're all down. We're two and two, and she's undefeated.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got one. No, no, she's got And.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, bombs. Rush, Jaggery. You don't wrote that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Unlike the Astros.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm just gonna go.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's not Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood can't talk that long without fucking nodding off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be miserable. I hate the fact that it's Dave.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthew, it is Dave Matthews. You think it's Dave Matthews, and it pains me because. Holy shit, can that guy write a tune?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so you're gonna go Dave.

[Allison Rosen]

Matthews against the advice of my counsel.

[Angie Hicks]

But Ronnie Wood paints. That's what you guys are saying. It's obviously someone who does art, visual art. All right, Dave Matthews.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there's only one person here.

[Adam Carolla]

Dave Matthews and Dave Matthews.

[Brian Bishop]

I think Tom York went to art school.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now, if it is Dave Matthews, then Allison's gonna win. But I can't go Dave Matthews then, because Allison wins. I'm gonna go Tom York on this one.

[Giovanni]

The blog belongs to Ron Wood.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison wins in a sloppy win.

[Angie Hicks]

It doesn't feel good, but it feels better than losing.

[Adam Carolla]

That was you just stepping out of the back of the end zone so you didn't have to punt. And giving up the. No, no. Alison's giving up the safety.

[Allison Rosen]

How did. First of all, I've never been that nervous going on stage. I've never been as nervous as I was when I had to hand in my answer before Dawson. By the way, the way Dawson moves his head when he reads his off, it's like watching Ali box. It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's poet, poetry. Beautiful. Jay, you were two. Two and three.

[Allison Rosen]

Holy smokes. It's the photos that kill you. And I was told the answer twice in my earpiece.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you're less than 500 by Mr. Van Doren.

[Allison Rosen]

See?

[Angie Hicks]

See how hard it is when the moment.

[Allison Rosen]

Give me the tiebreaker if I don't get it. I'll give everybody here a hint.

[Adam Carolla]

First.

[Giovanni]

I almost cried the other night when Ariana mentioned that HuffPost was launching HuffPost50. And did I have any thoughts about being over 50? Any? Unfortunately, I have nothing but thoughts about being over 50. Little things remind you of this all the time. Like minor cuts taking longer to heal. Your body is not replacing cells as fast as it used to and the ones it is sending are inferior copies of their predecessors. That's why we age and look progressively worse as the years pass.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep this person away from my dog, by the way.

[Giovanni]

Just like a videotape that looks slightly worse each time it's copied. We are constantly copying ourselves and coming out a little inferior.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you watch my kids? We're gonna go out to a wedding this weekend.

[Brian Bishop]

Whoever this is writes Hallmark cards.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ.

[Giovanni]

Bill Maher, Paul Reiser or Albert Brook.

[Allison Rosen]

Brooks.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Paul Reiser.

[Allison Rosen]

Riser can't not be funny really, when he's writing something prepared sitcom. Yes.

[Angie Hicks]

My two dads was great.

[Allison Rosen]

When writing something like this, there's too much where I can't be explaining my answer to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going riser. All right. I go Riser.

[Giovanni]

Redemption. It's Bill Maher.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you like that? Finished 500. I just pulled myself out of the lottery draft. Who did Allison take?

[Angie Hicks]

Oh, I didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

Tom Green.

[Adam Carolla]

She took Bill Maher in her mind. Just think about that.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta tell you, best game ever in the history of any podcast that's ever lived.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Allison Rosen]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

It is kind of interesting to hear these guys talk for us, for people who are wired like we are. I think. I think it's insanely compelling. Winners. You know what else is insanely compelling? Legal Zoom, baby. Let's make a will month. Oh, yeah. Big mommy got a will, huh? Yeah. Yeah, you gotta have a will. You gotta have a will. You just have to. Cause you pass away, you want the feds coming in and taking all your good stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why I'm born again.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're born again.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm born again.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Al's born again.

[Allison Rosen]

I died on the third day. I rise again.

[Adam Carolla]

You need two wills.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't need any wills because I keep coming back.

[Adam Carolla]

Big eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

Visual aid for the guy in his cubicle.

[Adam Carolla]

LegalZoom.com they got great prices. You can finish online in just 20 minutes and it is very easy. And by the way, you can save 15%. Go to legalzoom.com today and get 15% off. Dawson, move your head. Weird.

[Giovanni]

To get your special discount, be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. For wills, powers of attorney, trusts and more, go to legalzoom.com legal zoom can provide self help services in your specific direction or connect you with an attorney. But they're not a law firm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Allison Rosen.

[Angie Hicks]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How about just like one and a half news stories before we bring it on home?

[Giovanni]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison.

[Angie Hicks]

So remember Adam, you were saying that if it were up to you, you would buy Ariel Castro's house. He's the guy who kept the three women, you know, incarcerated and tortured and raped them and whatnot. You would buy it and you turned it into a museum.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Angie Hicks]

Unfortunately, you're not going to have that wonderful real estate state and cultural opportunity because the house was demolished this morning.

[Adam Carolla]

And are they gonna build a new house there? And then if they do, do they have to fill in the basement? Cause it's really the basement that needs to be filled in, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah. I don't know if they have revealed the basement.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have left the house and just charged money to have, you know, ghoulish people go through it. I mean, that's how our society works. We have Dillinger's car, we have Hitler's car. We have all those Hollywood tours where, like, theirs were River Phoenix OD'd.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Bold Ryan is John Wayne Gacy's clown makeup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Got it on. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's very sad. When they demolished his house, all the rats came out wearing halter tops.

[Adam Carolla]

Good stuff, Colin. Yeah, good. They got rid of jokes.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you guys write today something that.

[Angie Hicks]

I thought was interesting? Georgina De Jesus, who's the aunt of one of the women, operated an excavator. She made the first hit on the house.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. You know what I love about this dude? His family.

[Angie Hicks]

You don't hear that a lot about him, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what I love about him. I love the fact. Well, first off, he's a tourist and I knew it.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And secondly, he was abandoned by everyone in his family. His own son went, fuck this guy. I'm not gonna visit him. He's an asshole. I love that. I hate it when they stand by the monster, you know, they do the well. Blood is thicker than water. I still don't really know what that means. The blood is thicker than water. I don't know what, you're comparing the blood to a reservoir or something?

[Brian Bishop]

Is it a metaphor or is it a straight fact?

[Adam Carolla]

Blood is thicker than water as a straight fact. That makes sense. That's why I gotta visit my rapist dad in prison.

[Brian Bishop]

A bit of an on sequitur.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So they go, blood.

[Angie Hicks]

That's why fish don't keep in touch.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they do this one too, where the go, family's family and we'll always be family. I like that. Super repetitive.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing that was a little too on the nose. The whole family's family.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So his whole family went, we're going to get as far away from this ass wipe as we possibly can. And they went to Columbus. By the way, they should throw a Molotov cocktail into the place. Like, you know, do it upright like Vegas would do. You know what I mean? I mean, you know, you got. You got the guy driving the fucking, you know, backhoe and the other guy squirting the hose on it. That's not very spectacular. I mean, fucking light it up.

[Angie Hicks]

And then Michelle Knight, who's also one of the women, she was there handing out yellow helium filled balloons. I feel like yellow. It's a lot of symbolism to what. There's a lot of differences in what yellow represents.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the tie the ribbon around the tree. It's. It's sort of the healing or coming home or demolishing a home. What? Are we coming home or are we demolishing a home?

[Angie Hicks]

Like yellow roses, I think can mean friendship or mourning.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's livestrong and it's also bringing the troops back home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yellow roses.

[Adam Carolla]

Texas. Yeah, this Texas rose. Yeah, yeah, it's a song.

[Allison Rosen]

Yellow rose of Texas.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a song. Al Pacino could probably sing that song.

[Allison Rosen]

Why don't you go get him? Put him on stage with Chicago. He hogs the spotlight. We get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The. The fact that these poor chicks have to come out with trays of cookies at every event. Like, shouldn't they just be. Shouldn't they just go into a therapist's office, chain themselves to a radiator, put a bowl of water out down and some pemmican and just stay there for.

[Angie Hicks]

The next they're comfortable with?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm just saying. Oh, the unfortunate use of the chain. What I mean is go into a therapist's office and do not leave.

[Angie Hicks]

For 10 years, two of them haven't been in the public eye so much. Michelle maybe chained to the radiator.

[Adam Carolla]

Wrong turn of phrase.

[Allison Rosen]

Michelle Knight's your name. I thought it was like a promotional giveaway. Come on out to the ballpark on Michelle Knight.

[Brian Bishop]

First 50,000 fans get Michelle.

[Allison Rosen]

Take a turn.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah, I heard. I heard a psychologist on TV or on the radio saying that it really depends. For some survivors of things or for victims or survivors of things like this, it's really empowering to be there for these things. I know some. They're not ready.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have the. I'm gonna chuck a rock at the van I was raped in. Gene.

[Angie Hicks]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I put that all fits nicely on my license plate frame.

[Angie Hicks]

What does the actual license say?

[Adam Carolla]

I My best revenge. Yes, I do, but not with you. It's kind of a mixed message. I. My best healing can be done in front of the TV set as Grandpa used to say, I want to get in front of a fucking satellite dish, crack a cold one, and have all my troubles melt away. I don't want to go back to the scene of the crime.

[Angie Hicks]

Would you?

[Adam Carolla]

And, like, hand up balloons? That's my thing.

[Allison Rosen]

What if it happened when you were watching Elysium?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, big Mama, I never got Elysium.

[Allison Rosen]

And Arteza got a time machine.

[Adam Carolla]

I never got.

[Allison Rosen]

I just spoke to him on my plan.

[Adam Carolla]

You built a time machine?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't want to take away from Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

I do this every time I'm in here.

[Angie Hicks]

No, that's what everyone does. That's what it's for.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it's for.

[Angie Hicks]

That's what these duds are for.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Duds.

[Angie Hicks]

Someone called my news story it Dud. Yesterday. I listen to this. Jay Moore. I did a story.

[Allison Rosen]

Everything's assholes. You have to know that up front. Everything's assholes.

[Angie Hicks]

I did a story.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like. Who is that?

[Angie Hicks]

Monica Mehta. Who's an economist.

[Adam Carolla]

Financial.

[Angie Hicks]

I did a story about how she's really smart.

[Brian Bishop]

She knows her stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

She does. She is a sharp cookie, by the way. Is there any less sharp than a cookie?

[Angie Hicks]

It's a dud of a story.

[Adam Carolla]

The round.

[Allison Rosen]

What story was it? Was it a story about Milk Duds?

[Angie Hicks]

No, but that'd be great.

[Allison Rosen]

See how stupid I am as myself?

[Angie Hicks]

This month is the 50th anniversary of the cassette tape.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a great story.

[Angie Hicks]

Thank you. And now I thought of a story. I thought. My reaction was, that's to me, it's weird that they've only been around. It feels like it should be longer for something to already be obsolete.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why you could not enjoy winning. Blah, blah, blah. This economist comes, got her fucking hooks in you. And because you look at her, I close my eyes. Woman to woman. You're like, she's smarter than me. I don't know who she looks like. She's an economist. People think she's smart. People think she's. And now she's telling me it's a duh, duh, duh story on the show that. You know what? I'm gonna take this lady and fucking tell her. Allison Rosen's a made woman. You don't talk that way about her.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also, Alison was brave enough to do a cassette story.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And this woman shoved it right back in her face.

[Allison Rosen]

And this lady's, what's this lady gonna do? Tell us the fucking market is up or down and be wrong or right?

[Adam Carolla]

What would Joe Pesci Tell her to.

[Jo Koy]

Do what the fuck does she know? She's a fucking chick. Talking about fucking money.

[Allison Rosen]

Use your fucking allowance. Go shopping, you fucking rat. Whole fucking place filled with fucking rats. Alison Rose is gonna fucking tell me.

[Jo Koy]

What the fuck does he cassette tape? You dumb fucking brick.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's your fucking money.

[Adam Carolla]

Go count it. That's your fucking job.

[Jo Koy]

You're a fucking dud.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll shoot you in the. Fuck ya.

[Jo Koy]

You fucking dumb brick, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Alex, you're the fucking made guy. Maybe you've been away a long time. I don't fucking tell duds of a story no more. You know, maybe, you know, maybe I'm gonna watch the fucking suit here. That's all right. Away getting fucking fresh with the story.

[Kristen D'Angelo]

It's a dud of a story.

[Allison Rosen]

You fucking motherfucking mutt. Keep her here.

[Adam Carolla]

Get your shine box.

[Allison Rosen]

Mother fucking mutt. Keep em here.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the matter, Ginger, you need a sponsor?

[Adam Carolla]

I love that part where he says you've been away for a while.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe been away too long. Oh, wrecked my fucking body. Get him a fucking drink for those Irish hooligans.

[Adam Carolla]

Half Irish, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, Jimmy. Drinks around the house. Oh, my wife and I saw Drew Peterson at the grocery store. The guy that murdered his wives.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? What? Oh, the guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Rob Lope?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Chicago cop.

[Allison Rosen]

He was right in front of us at a grocery store in the Valley.

[Angie Hicks]

What was he buying? That's what I wanna know.

[Allison Rosen]

Stuff. And my wife begins to tremble and she goes, that's Drew Peterson. Like, stop. Not scared, completely starstruck.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Drew Peterson. Oh, she wanted to get an autograph.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, totally like all over getting an autograph from Drew Peterson.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a ton of a story. Mike August is Fucking prick you. Mike August is texting me. He wants to know where the bakery is.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the thing. The guy that's helping Drew Peterson, who murdered three wives, one went missing, quote, unquote, quote, listens to my radio show. The last part of my radio show. Everybody calls super quick. It's called rapid fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Been there.

[Allison Rosen]

By telling him to go, I say, shoot it, shoot it. And the guy's waiting on Drew Peterson. My wife goes out loud, that's Drew Peterson, the guy that killed all three of his wives. The guy at the checkout has no idea any of this happens. Is talking to Drew Peterson, looks at us and goes, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Drew Peterson leaves, gets in his car and we go, what's the name of the credit card? And it's like, Margaret, it's an old lady credit card. He gets in an old lady car and drives an old lady out of the lot to be a lady. I believe in the trade they would call it to be murdered later.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second. He's a Chicago cop. He had that thing where it's like he had that one young wife that went missing and then the other one drowned in the bathtub and that sort of thing. Yeah. Once you're. Now he's on the third young wife. And he did get arrested or something at some point. What's he doing here?

[Allison Rosen]

Making a new life for himself.

[Adam Carolla]

But he didn't. What's that? What's. What's going on with that case, Gary? We gotta find out. Cause he was then doing a lot of interviews and things which seem weird.

[Allison Rosen]

Great celebrity sighting, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He, like, enjoyed the spotlight. Yeah. Did he have his mustache?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. It looked like Rob Lowe playing Drew Peterson. So he's like a hot guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He was trying to.

[Allison Rosen]

That guy sounds hot.

[Adam Carolla]

He's trying to look like him. Wait, we should have a. Hey, that guy sounds hot off. That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

That guy sounds hot.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

That guy sounds hot.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't know if that guy sounds hot.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

That guy sounds hot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what's hot. DraftKings.

[Allison Rosen]

You're the one that's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

DraftKings, baby. My listeners are [e-mail] one day. Fantasy sports like a new season every time you play, baby. True story. Guy won a hundred thousand bucks first time in. Brian, how you doing today?

[Brian Bishop]

I did not win last night. Well, the night before I've been thinking about guest stepping up my game. A dabbling mostly in $5 $10 contest, which is I would say the majority, but they have up to hundred and several hundred dollars worth. I don't know about that much, but I'm gonna step it up to the $20 level, so try my luck.

[Adam Carolla]

Football season coming, people. Let's get going. Dawson, move the head. Play for free.

[Giovanni]

Yes, free to win real [e-mail] Enter after with your first cash game and get a free shot at 100 at a couple hundred to a couple hundred thousand bucks. Just use the Name [e-mail] that's draftkings.com all right.

[Adam Carolla]

It says here Jay Moore.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

That he's in the Maynard Correctional center in Chester, Illinois.

[Allison Rosen]

He was right in front of us.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he may have been furloughed. He May have been furloughed to go to the Gelsons in Encino. That happens now. I'm not calling. I'm not saying you're wrong. February 2013 is when he was put into the correctional institute. That's what I thought. And he's not gonna be released until 2047.

[Angie Hicks]

There's been a jailbreak.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're standing by your story? We have to contact the Maynard Correctional center in Church of Illinois.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it is a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

February 2013. 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought he was in jail. I didn't want to shit on your story, but I don't want you to take a bunch of heat with the tweet, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I don't care about.

[Brian Bishop]

Who's.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that Jim Norton's head in the bottom left hand corner? Check your text.

[Angie Hicks]

I think someone's trying to get in touch.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's bring it home, baby girl, real quick. Hold on, Alex.

[Angie Hicks]

I'll hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

He was on Dr. Phil. That, if you recall. So he is out. He was just on Dr. Phil.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. He's incarcerated.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you can't be on Dr. Phil's couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he brought his couch, you know, maybe put wheels on the couch and brought into the prison. Maybe Dr. Phil went. Maybe Dr. Phil went in to talk to him.

[Allison Rosen]

Dr. Phil and I were talking to you.

[Angie Hicks]

And brought Gelson's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

You know my new theory. My new theory is Steve Harvey is the black Dr. Phil.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, if you're bald. Come on now. You don't put your hands on a.

[Adam Carolla]

Man from Cleveland, big mustache, bald, always wearing a suit. You never see him in a. In a t shirt.

[Allison Rosen]

Top 10 answers on the board.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody knows what they do exactly, but they're billionaires.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not a big Dr. Phil fan. I love him.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel like he's ever said like. He just does. He's done the. He's looked at, like, the chick and went, sweetie, that dog don't hunt. And then everyone just sort of applause. And then it's like, okay. But I'm not sure exactly what he's saying other than I'm not sure what.

[Angie Hicks]

He'S advising me to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Cycled shit from the turn of the century.

[Allison Rosen]

This might be a question for Allison Rosen as your new best friends for an hour long discussion. Have you seen Iyanla fix my wife?

[Angie Hicks]

No, I've seen tweets about it.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, you need to watch it, and then we'll hash it out.

[Angie Hicks]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but you're down with me with the mustache, the bald head, the huge frame, and no one really knows what they do.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm not. And you know, I never step out of my set, which is a Corolla set. I'm down with the ace man for life. I will just say Dr. Phil I like a lot. And one of those two guys is hosting Family Feud. One is Ray Coombs Noose.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray Combs is a comedian who hung himself in prison. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I didn't really. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel bad now.

[Adam Carolla]

You feel bad. The only drew Peterson Dr. Phil appearance we can find came from 2008. It was just on Big Mama. Maybe that time machine got cranked up.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta talk to Elysium.

[Adam Carolla]

Jay Moore. Jay Moore, everybody. Jay Moore. The podcast Moore stories. Look for me on Monday's episode. Get it on itunes. New episodes every Monday and Friday. And stand up shows. Ford theater in Hollywood, September 6th. Look for him doing a little MC work and then stand up live. We've been there. Beautiful. In Phoenix, September 19th through the 22nd. J. Moore sports of course, you can see that and find that on Fox radio. Love me some Jay Moore. J. Moore.com is where you go and me. Road hard. Still going strong. Pushing it across the finish line. And if you haven't checked out the latest Cranston video, we whacked it up. Put it on the site. So you may want to check that out if you're breaking bad fan. Www.fundanything.com AdamCorolla thank you in advance for your support. Irvine improv tonight, us and the amazing Jonathan and Waukegan theater coming up September 28th in oh Waukegan at Genesee Theater. Sorry. Coming up on the 28th. So until next time, Adam Kroll for Jay Moore. Dennis Miller, Allison Rosen, Paul Bryan, and why not Nikki Cox saying mahalo, by the way, the California lottery is like, All right, that was adam Corolla show 1138. That does it for this weekend's Corolla classics.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure to tune next weekend for.

[Adam Carolla]

Three all new installments.

[Brian Bishop]

Until then, mahalo.

[Jay Moore]

And get on.