Diane Ladd + Ice-T (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Summary of "Diane Ladd + Ice-T (Carolla Classics)" Episode of The Adam Carolla Show

Release Date: July 13, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Carolla Classics, hosted by Giovanni, listeners are treated to memorable moments featuring Ice-T and Diane Ladd, alongside recurring contributors Allison Rosen and Teresa Strasser. The episode revisits engaging discussions, personal anecdotes, and sharp societal commentary that have resonated with fans over the years.

Main Discussion with Ice-T

Ice-T, a prominent figure in the realms of music and acting, delves into his multifaceted career journey. He shares insights about his directorial debut, "The Art of Rap", highlighting his passion for preserving and respecting the art form that significantly impacted his life.

• Military Background & Transition to Music: Ice-T recounts his time in the 25th Infantry and how becoming a parent motivated him to enlist, seeking responsibility and structure. This experience provided him with a "reference point to pain," shaping his resilience and outlook on life.

  "It’s a reference point to pain, and you just don’t cry as much. You don’t complain as much." [19:01]

• Creation of Gangster Rap: He discusses the inception of gangster rap, emphasizing its roots in expressing the struggles and realities of his environment. Ice-T expresses concern over the current state of rap, critiquing the decline in lyrical depth and substance.

  "If there’s more words in the hook than the rap, you’re not rapping, you’re hooking." [26:02]

• Directing "The Art of Rap": Ice-T elaborates on his film, explaining his desire to showcase rap as a serious art form rather than a subject of mockery. He reflects on the challenges and motivations behind his transition from music to film directing.

  "I wanted to do a film, let people understand they should respect this art form. It saved my life." [16:06]

Interactions on Shaving and Self-Care

The conversation shifts to lighter topics, with Adam Carolla and Allison Rosen humorously discussing shaving routines and products from The Art of Shaving. They share personal experiences and playful banter about grooming habits.

• Gift Surprises: Adam narrates an amusing incident where he received a substantial gift from a shaving company, juxtaposed with his wife's modest gift was humorously contrasted.

  "And the universe is telling you you're hairy." [05:28]

• Hair Health Debate: A humorous exchange ensues about a Twitter user's claim of having healthier hair after five weeks without shampooing, leading to playful skepticism.

  "Nature and/or God did not want us to strip away all the lovely essence that it piles on top. Yes." [06:05]

News Segment with Allison Rosen

Allison Rosen presents various news stories, initiating discussions on sensitive topics such as celebrity revelations and societal perceptions.

• John Travolta's Personal Life: The team debates the implications of reported revelations about John Travolta's sexuality, exploring the public's curiosity and judgment surrounding personal disclosures.

  "We don't care if you're gay. We care if we know you're gay and you're not admitting it." [33:29]

• Miss USA Pageant Controversy: Allison covers the allegations by Sheena Monon, who claims the Miss USA pageant is rigged, leading to Donald Trump issuing a defamation lawsuit.

  "This is just theater. Like, I think Trump knows it well." [44:57]

• Extreme News Stories: Other stories include bizarre incidents like an artist in Japan removing his genitals to become asexual, and dangerous parenting practices leading to child endangerment.

  "If you can't put milk... please leave your kids at the firehouse." [Question not directly cited due to context sensitivity]

Parenting Tales with Teresa Strasser

Teresa Strasser shares poignant and sometimes troubling stories highlighting challenges in parenting, societal expectations, and personal responsibilities.

• Negligent Parenting Cases: She discusses cases where parents exhibit extreme and harmful behaviors, such as abandoning minors or endangering children with firearms.

  "A father with a 9mm handgun containing eight live rounds placed in a car with his toddler." [63:50]

• Consequences and Reflections: These narratives prompt reflections on the importance of responsible parenting and the societal systems in place to address such issues.

  "Once you shift into that mode, you're in conservation mode to that." [Post timestamp]

Social Commentary and Rants

Throughout the episode, Adam Carolla interjects with his characteristic rants on various societal issues, including government policies, taxation, and cultural norms.

• Government and Taxation: Adam critiques government decisions on taxation, particularly targeting car dealerships in Los Angeles, and discusses the unintended consequences of such policies.

  "They got rid of everything and they gave us the car and they got us strung out on it and now we need it." [173:39]

• Parenting and Responsibility: He emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility and the detrimental effects of a "save a nickel" mentality, advocating for proactive earning and responsible spending.

  "Once you shift into that mode, you're in conservation mode to that." [Repeated theme]

Final Thoughts and Wrap-Up

The episode concludes with light-hearted interactions, humorous anecdotes, and promotional segments blending seamlessly with the ongoing conversations. Diane Ladd and Allison Rosen contribute to the dynamic, ensuring the finale remains engaging and entertaining.

• Promotional Messages: The hosts promote various platforms and products, intertwining them with the show's narrative.

  "Let us know if you’d like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail]." [00:00]

Notable Quotes

• Ice-T on Resilience:

  "You have reference points to pain, and you just don’t cry as much." [19:01]

• Allison Rosen on Responsibility:

  "Just be yourself. So, you know, I don't have any problems with it." [37:57]

• Adam Carolla on Government Policies:

  "Why don't we understand that? How come Hollywood doesn't understand that?" [177:39]

Conclusion

This Carolla Classics episode effectively blends humor, personal stories, and critical insights, offering listeners a comprehensive look into the interactions between Adam Carolla, Ice-T, and other contributing voices. The discussions span from personal grooming habits to profound societal critiques, embodying the show's unique blend of candidness and thought-provoking dialogue.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics. It's a premium only podcast available through Podcast one. You can find the ad free archives for every single episode. And if you'd like to find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcrolo.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up first we have Adam Carla Show, 842 Ice T, Theresa Strasser, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop. Known all these fun episodes from 2012 with Teresa Strasser sitting in along with Allison Rosenberg, always a delight and Ice Tea, one of the most recurring guests in Loveline history. Also one of the original guests who appeared during Adam's first run on the show. Always had a great rapport with the guy. Thought it'd be fun to throw in.

[Ice T]

This clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Get it on. And welcome to yet another podcast. I'm Adam Corolla. That's Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, good day. Ball. Brian. I'm a Chicano because I say I am. We are in New York City as you hear this, promoting my book which just came out. Thank you in advance for purchasing that. And you can go to the website and check out all the appearances and signings and different locations I'm going to be at and all that good stuff and come on out and say hi. Sign your book, sign your baby, sign your booby. All right, Ice Tea, come on. Coming in.

[Allison Rosen]

Baby's booby.

[Adam Carolla]

Baby's booby.

[Allison Rosen]

That's sick.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, we have them now. Kids are that fat, Ice T coming in and Teresa Strasser coming in. Couple things. First off, I had this experience yesterday where the good folks from the art of shaving, these guys do all, I mean they do the super high end shaving.

[Brian Bishop]

I saw that stuff that left off, it's dropped.

[Adam Carolla]

They just a treasure trove of, you know, listen, when your razor's taking batteries and it's not an electric razor, you know, a lot of stainless steel stuff. Just good looking, just good looking stuff. And they sent over a trove of it and I honestly. And a lot of people Are really nice and they send over lots of cool stuff. And sometimes it takes me a little while to get to it. It's the same way with the book jackets or the hammer, whatever it is, you send it in, eventually we'll get to it, we'll sign it and we'll send it back to you. But sometimes stuff pops up, piles up a little bit. And this had been sent in some time ago and it piles up all right. And I hadn't got to it. And yesterday I had one of those days where I just went, look, I gotta get to this stuff. And I just started going through the box and I started. It was. Oh, if it was aftershave bomb. And then the cream and then the razor, pre shave oil, pre shave oil, the brush, that old schooly barber badger hair brush. And I was, and I was literally just use a badger tired, full badger legs spread. I wear it as a hat afterward. Keeps crows away. So I just got done just tearing into everything and one thing was cooler than the next. And then I sat down to eat dinner and Olga, or olgai as my kids call them call her, came in and she came in with her daughter and she said, you know what? We forgot we hadn't given you your birthday present. No, we're going to give you your birthday present. And I said, well, thank you, I appreciate that. I wasn't missing it, but thank you so much. And they gave me a nicely styled box and I opened it up and inside it was a gift certificate to the art of shaving store. So I just opened $1,500 worth of stuff from there and then I got a gift certificate immediately after what I'm guessing is $30 or $40, probably enough to buy a duplicate of one of the things that was sent to me for free. Now, I didn't say shit, I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Because you have class.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I'm super lazy and bubbling over with class. I do feel there's a fair amount of people that would have went just because of the pure coincidence of the whole exchange. I. I had this box sitting around for a week. I didn't touch it. The stuff is packed kind of. I mean, it is. The boxes are as decorative as the stuff that's in it. And they're all in their place and they're felt lined and there's a lot of pulling and sliding and ripping and tearing. And I'd literally gone at it for half an hour tearing everything out of the box. And then was presented with this card and just out of sheer sort of coincidence and timing. You think I would have said, wow, I just opened a shitload of stuff from the exact same place. Maybe try to give it a happy spin. But I realized, eh, I couldn't. And then I thought, how fucking random is this, by the way? They don't send me stuff and they usually get me slippers every year and or flannel shirt. Like weird. The Art of shaving gift certificate as my hands are literally numb from tearing the boxes open from the Art of Shaving.

[Allison Rosen]

The universe is telling you you're hairy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there's something going on. And speaking of hair, somebody tweeted me this. I went 5 weeks without shampooing and my hair has never been healthier as a stinkyscalp.com attractive blonde with long hair. I'm telling you, I'm telling. She went to Kosovo to do some, I don't know, missionary work or something and couldn't get to a shower for like five weeks and said her hair had never been better looking or healthier. I'm telling you, telling you nature and or God did not want us to strip away all the lovely essence that it piles on top. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Speaking of lovely oils, truth be told, I use the art of shaving pre shave oil every time I shave. It's awesome. It'll give you like that much smoother shave.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

You definitely got to use that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I was eyeing the pre shave oil and wondering a if it made me a puss, B, if it made me an ugly American, C, it seemed like too many calories burnt or what.

[Brian Bishop]

It actually is three little pumps in the. Three little pumps in the palm right on there and just, you know, really easy. You don't have to do a whole like thing. You just bubba right on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I. No nicks. It is one of those take an extra five minutes and be good to yourself kind of kinds of moments. But anyway, yeah, somebody just tweeted me that because I've been after five weeks.

[Allison Rosen]

Her hair had a texture that seemed to sashay.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Who doesn't want that?

[Adam Carolla]

A sashaying texture in your hair?

[Brian Bishop]

Does this work for everyone?

[Allison Rosen]

I think that's bugs.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is I went to the barber the other day and some guy recognized me and he's like, ace, man, why are you getting a $10 haircut? And I was like, cause it doesn't matter. $10 haircut on me is the same as a $100 haircut.

[Brian Bishop]

You missed an opportunity for a blowhard to comment. That's how you stay a millionaire.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. And by the way, by not tipping aggressively. Not tipping. As a matter of fact, I'd like $2 back on this haircut. My other power move is never check the back of the neck. As a matter of fact, I got the guy trained. He doesn't even offer anymore. There's that move where they swing you around and then you look into the mirror. First off, why do I need to swing around? Why can't you just hold the mirror up behind me? I'll use the mirror that's in front of me and I'll bounce it back off the one you're holding behind me. You're trying to disorient me. You're trying to get me disorientated. Like you're trying to get me dizzy up my head.

[Allison Rosen]

They're trying to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, especially when they spin you multiple. Multiple times. Vomits, Flying Space Camp.

[Allison Rosen]

They're training you. They should give you Tang.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Where's the chimpanzee buddy? So they spin you around. They do their thing, but I do the. There's a couple things I like. I like saying to people, well, first off, damage done, like he already did what he's going to do behind me. He's not going to glue any hair back on there. There's not going to. We're not going to be able to unring this back neck shave bell, you know what I'm saying? So it can't be put back down.

[Brian Bishop]

Is done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes, it's done. So I can't change it. And I'm not interested in spending a lot of time with stuff I can't change.

[Allison Rosen]

Number one, you're all about the serenity prayer.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Is that where Madonna puts that yarn around her wrist? Number two, I like saying to people when they go, like, how do you want it? You want it this way, you want it that way? I like saying to people, you're the pro. You're the guy who does this for a living.

[Allison Rosen]

Color bluff.

[Adam Carolla]

You do it the way you do it. I'm not going to tell you how to do it. There's certain instances and certain topics and certain things have to do with carpentry or auto mechanics or something like that. But I like sort of empowering people to do what they do. And I think it feels good for them when you go, you're the expert. You tell me, you know, and now you're not going to get that on paper or plastic at the grocery market, but. And you're not going to get that on. What kind of smoothie do you want? That's up to you. But there's certain things where people do it one way or the other, and I think you should just let them do it the way they do it.

[Allison Rosen]

For one.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a great move at a restaurant too. Like when you're down to, like, three items that all sound great and the server's obviously been there for a while, you're like, you know what? Whatever you recommend, whatever you think is the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So we like the special tonight that has the scallops that we've been trying to get rid of.

[Adam Carolla]

Market, right? Market, right.

[Brian Bishop]

I meant the three things you were choosing from, but either way.

[Adam Carolla]

So I. Yeah, I didn't do. I did not do the spin around. I. I did the $10 haircut. And again, no. And by the way, he didn't even ask this time. So like I said, maybe I've trained him not to look at the back of my head. Number one. It's always. But you never see anything, by the way, that shocks or surprises you. It's never like.

[Allison Rosen]

You never do.

[Adam Carolla]

Good God. What is going on on the back of my head? I had no idea.

[Brian Bishop]

You look like Ricky Vaughn from Major League.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's always exactly what you think it's gonna look like. You. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're right. The front can be a shock sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the back is. And by the way, this is one of my. You know, it's like a bumper sticker that says kiss my ass. You know what I mean? Like, that's for you to look at. That ain't for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes I wear a sticker that says, how's my hair? 1, 800 each. Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I had Calvin peeing on the back of my head. I used that sticker. That's good. Mm. So that's good.

[Allison Rosen]

I put nuts on the back of my head.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You hang the truck nuts. I don't look at the back. Also, somebody tweeted me this, but I knew this from our last flight we took, our Southwest flight. I did the thing where I sit next to Mike lynch and they do the. This is a non smoking flight. And then I do this weird sort of herky jerky move where I pretend to put away invisible cigarettes. Like, what? I was just going for my giant oversized crystal lighter and unfiltered cigarettes. What is this? So I do that and then I do the.

[Allison Rosen]

He's giving it away on the flight.

[Adam Carolla]

And then. And then they go and. Smoking in the lavatory is not permitted under federal law. And then I look at Mike and I point my finger, and here comes the tampering with, disabling, or destroying. And you know what? They got rid of it.

[Allison Rosen]

They did.

[Adam Carolla]

They got rid of it. They got rid of it. And I was like, they fucking got rid of it. And then someone tweeted me, they. They've got rid of it. Oh, everything. By the way, I was complaining about the terrorist color alert system being confusing and no one could understand all the stuff that you complain about, or at least that I can complain about, ketchup packets, whatever it is, they'll eventually all go away. Stuff that makes. I've always said, this shit that doesn't work or doesn't make sense can only hang on so long. The government will push it from an extra 10 years. Like in the private sector, if you're making a piece of stereo equipment that nobody wants, you're out of business. And if you're making a bed that nobody wants, you're out of business. Only the government could keep the terrorist color warning chart going for 10 years. Or tampering with, disabling, or destroying, going for 10 years. In the private sector, that stuff gets tossed out quickly because people don't buy it, they don't bite on it, and you have to get rid of it. You have to fold up 10.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think you might have had a direct effect on this, though? Because who else? I mean, it's really annoying when you point it out, but who else was actually making.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like to think I did, but I never think that way because of my horrific family and upbringing.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'll think that way for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been complaining about it for 10 years. Everyone wants to know what the fuck I'm talking about. Well, it's usually this way for me. I complain about it, and for the first five years, everyone goes, I don't know what you're talking about. And then I go, every flight you get on, it says, tampering with, disabling, or destroying. And they go, I've never heard that. And then I go, I guarantee you've heard it. If you've been on an airplane. You. You've heard it. And then they go, that's number one. Number two is some sort of retarded defense of it. Well, you know, tampering and disabling aren't exactly in the same fan. Okay, so then there's that weird like, do you work for the faa?

[Allison Rosen]

Why are you taking their side?

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you taking their side? Number one? And then eventually, at year 10. It'll just go away. Yes, because no smoking just means no smoking. We don't have to get into why you can't smoke or all the different modalities for disabling equipment that prevents you from smoking. We know. No smoke. We know. It's like saying, look, robbing banks, illegal. And disabling surveillance cameras, also illegal. Like, not just robbing the banks. We got that part.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, covers it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's enough.

[Allison Rosen]

And in this day and age, who gets onto a plane thinking, is it cool if I smoke in the lavatory?

[Adam Carolla]

Only Europeans and super drunken celebrities. All right, Ice T is here. I hear. That's what I hear. I'm gonna give a little. We'll bring ice tea in. Maxim Digital. Give a little love to Maxim Digital www.maxim.com digital. They have exclusive bonus content, by the way, if you subscribe. And again, you like Maxim, the magazine, but you're hip, you're young, you're on your computer, you're on the go. Well, how about you go to www.maxim.com digital112. Oh, good to see you. I. Thanks for coming on.

[Ice T]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, man. 2012 Hot 100 list. Top ladies of 2012. That is Maxim Digital. Maxim Digital. Put your headphones on. Or cans is we call them in the business.

[Ice T]

What's up, baby? How you doing, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. Always a pleasure.

[Ice T]

Yeah, yeah. We go way back. You know what it is? So I like this. I like how you got it going down in here, though. This is dope. I mean, I need a garage like this. I don't got nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

You can afford one.

[Ice T]

I live in New York and you know, you have lack of space out there, so it's very difficult. So I'm a car guy myself too. So I got in here, I started looking under your car cover.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how does it. And we'll pull them off for you. You can kick as many tires as you like. The art of rap, by the way, I just saw the trailer a second ago. The trailer. I know this sounds like so much ass kisserie, but the trailer looks fantastic. I mean, it is so crazy crisp and high def and the graphics and the cut and yeah, there's got to be 250 cuts in the. Or more in the. In the trailer. You're directing this thing?

[Ice T]

It's my directorial debut.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks amazing.

[Ice T]

I was like sitting at the crib and I always wanted to direct movies. You know, everybody always has the next move and I wanted to direct, but I didn't know where to Start. I was watching this TV show about a guy talking about business. He said, always go for the lowest hanging fruit. Start with something you're really familiar with. Then I'm watching hip hop, and I'm watching where it's going. I'm watching the weatherman rap. I'm watching everybody, kind of some people making mockery of it, playing with it. And I said, you know, I want to do a film, let people understand they should respect this art form. It saved my life. It's dead serious. It's changed the world. You know, you can make fun of it, but it really comes from a sincere place.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in theaters, by the way, June 15th, this Friday, saved your life. I want to talk about that part of it for a second. Because you grew up on the east coast or you're born on the East Coast. Then in the seventh grade, you moved to Compton, which is South Central. South Central, all right. But that's a horrible.

[Ice T]

That's the hood.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. What a horrible place to move to in the seventh grade. And then you go, did you go to Compton High?

[Ice T]

I went to Crenshaw High.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Crenshaw. Worse. And then you get into trouble and gangs and all that stuff, and eventually you join the military.

[Ice T]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does that go?

[Ice T]

Well, no, what happened was when I was in the 12th grade, I got my girlfriend pregnant. You know, I was a teen parent. So now you're out in the streets, you're doing this and that negative stuff, and then you try to become responsible. Cause you got a baby. So the enlistment office is right down the street, is staring you in the face. So one day I just went in there and I rolled and I ended up enlisted. I did four years in 25th Infantry. Tropic Lightning.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they. The urban enlistment office?

[Ice T]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they give it some flavor, like Uncle Samuel L. Jackson wants you or something? You know, black guy in the hat. You know, I mean, just to kind of work it like a black McDonald's commercial. Work it really, just a little bit. I feel like that's what you'd do if you were over there.

[Ice T]

Not really. You know, you tell people about the enlistment bonuses. You know, you wave the money in they face. It was funny, though. Cause when I went in, I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I went in, I said, Well, I get 2,500 for being infantry. They said, yeah. And I'm like, what about that beret? And they go, well, that's jump school. That's airborne. But that was a Red Beret. And I couldn't come home in a red Beret because I grew up in a Crip neighborhood. So I'm like, what's the next beret? That's a black beret.

[Adam Carolla]

Same with Allison, by the way. She had the same beret problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Ice T]

So that was Rangers, so I went to Ranger school, you know, and the next one is Green Beret, which is Special Forces. But that was too long training. A year of advanced individual training.

[Adam Carolla]

So where'd you do your training?

[Ice T]

I went to Fort Leonard for basic, and then Fort Benning and then Fort Bragg.

[Adam Carolla]

How does that. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but doesn't it feel good having that base underneath you that know what it's like to get up to run an obstacle course, to have some guy yell at you to fire a weapon like just that, that base to build on for the rest of your life?

[Ice T]

Absolutely. You know something, at some point, as in a boy's life, where you got to understand that you gotta be a man, and it's usually a trial by fire. You know, you might. You know, you think you know yourself, you might have to go to prison. Somebody gonna have to punch you in the face. Something's gonna have to wake you up to realize that this is serious business now. You left the nest and, you know, going in the army now, no matter what happens in my life, I have a reference point to pain, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ice T]

When you say it's cold, I'm like, I was in Choochong, Korea, 32 below zero in a hooch, you know, I'm like, sitting in a half a tent, you know? So you.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Ice T]

You have reference points to pain, and you just don't cry as much. You don't bitch as much like people do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This is why people need to have a couple of really shitty jobs absolutely. Under their belt. Because I. People ask me all the time, like, whoa, you're working so much. And I always say, this isn't work. Exactly. That's a really. Cleaning carpets is work. Scraping roofs, putting Canoga pipe, putting tar.

[Ice T]

On the top of the roofs in.

[Adam Carolla]

The summer, pumping the tar up there, that's work. Doing demo construction, that's work. This isn't work. Doing phone interviews is not work going on.

[Ice T]

They say when you're doing something you love, you never work a day in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is that how you feel now?

[Ice T]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I'm very fortunate. I was able to take music to acting. People ask, will you retire? I'm like, I. I Might take a break, but never retire. You always want to get back on stage. You're going to always want to do what we do. We're very fortunate. You know, we won.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

When did you realize that you were a performer?

[Ice T]

Well, you know, I think everybody that's an artist. Entertainment is either a class clown or you've always been able to command an audience, whether it was telling jokes, being stupid. You just find that out at some point. I didn't know I ever had a chance, really, to make money with it. I was in a rap contest early in my career, and Curtis Blow is the judge, and he was a real rapper. And I won.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ice T]

I'm like, okay, yeah, he beat a real rapper. Well, not beat him. He was just a judge. You know, it's like if I was doing comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But a real rapper said, you were a real rapper.

[Ice T]

I was like, okay, well, maybe I can do this. So there's always that moment, that epiphany where you, like, maybe I need to really concentrate on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think? I have this feeling. But I don't know. When you were coming up, you were popping off in class, screwing around with your buddies. You'd memorize other people's routines.

[Ice T]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

And you memorize Richard Pryor's routine. And then you do it for your friends. And at some point, your mom or your dad or your teacher or somebody walks in and tells you to knock it off. Quiet down, focused. And no one ever pulls you aside and goes, hey, you have a capacity to do something. Or at least there's a little part of you that's a performer that's trying to escape.

[Ice T]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And now I feel like what we're doing is everyone's getting ripped open and we're pulling them out. Yeah. Back then, everyone was punching them in the face and trying to push him back down. Like in class, be quiet. You're disruptive. No one ever said I was class clown, but it was neither here nor there. As soon as I was done with high school, someone just handed me a shovel and said, start digging it. Shut up. It was always shut up. The teachers. It was funny. Like, of all the teachers and as a teacher, this should be number one on your list of qualities to be able to recognize things in students weaknesses and strengths and go, look, what you're doing is not really conducive to me teaching world history, but you do have something going on that is. We'll call it a gift for now. And you should be working on that. So maybe you want to go to the drama department and talk to Mr. Jenkins.

[Ice T]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ice T]

I mean, usually people excel in maybe one or three things. It'll be athletic, it'll be academic, or it'll be artistic. You know, and pushing somebody who's artistic in the academic lane, it's not going to work. You know, the jock is a jock, and different people do different things. I think the turning point in my career, though, was a negative comment. When I was in the military, I had a sergeant look me dead in the face and told me, you're here. Cause you cannot make it in civilian life. And I was like, wow. And I had to go think about that. I was like, wow. You know, Did Edith call me a loser? Number one. I'm over in the military thinking I'm doing the right thing, But I'm like, that's how you see me. And my whole career, I've been trying to prove that guy wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of the military's funny because there's no other place where you yell at people who have guns. You know what I mean? Like, if a guy's holding a gun, I'm not in his face going, you make me sick. Yeah, you maggot. Yeah, you puke. Your. Your hog puke. You little maggot. Get on your knees. God damn.

[Allison Rosen]

I guess you really would get over your fear of guns.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'd be like, all right, everybody shut their weapons down. Yeah. Okay, now come over here. You make me sick. That's how I do it. But while the guy's holding the gun, I feel like I'd reel it in a little bit. You're so ugly. You can be a modern art masterpiece.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what else? Usually you yell at civilians. You could never hack it in the army.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's happening in the army.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Where can people be?

[Ice T]

I know when I was out there training, you know, I mean, I guess I shouldn't be saying this, but, you know, they kept us, you know, you. We didn't have live rounds. We're in training, so every time you leave the range, you can't have live rounds. But it was always cool to keep a live round in your pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Like Barney Fife.

[Ice T]

Just to kind of show somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Call Ice T the black Thank.

[Ice T]

I don't have one.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ice T]

You could be downraged at any moment talking crazy to me, partner. So, you know, it was like, you know, you just show your sergeant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ice T]

Just in case you was wondering. M16.

[Adam Carolla]

What were you saying?

[Ice T]

M16.

[Adam Carolla]

And so.

[Ice T]

And M60.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you end up In Hawaii at some point.

[Ice T]

Yeah. That's why I went to. That's where the 25th infantry is, Schofield Barracks.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be my whole thing when I was signing up. Like, where are we going?

[Ice T]

Until you find out what Hawaii training is like, you're in the Kahuka Mountains. It's like jungle training. You think you gonna be doing. You think you're gonna be on Waikiki? Nah, Adam, you're gonna be in the.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't even give you a lay.

[Ice T]

When you get a rainforest.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how do you get off the plane?

[Ice T]

It's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I don't get it. Mountain training. How long were you in Hawaii?

[Ice T]

Four years.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That's pretty good run.

[Ice T]

Yeah, it was cool. It was cool. But, you know, when I came back from there, what was I trained for?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shooting people and running around in the jungle.

[Ice T]

We started robbing banks.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Ice T]

Yeah. Yeah. I started doing takeover robberies. Thank God we're in America, where they have a statute of limitations.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Takeover? Yeah.

[Ice T]

Like Heat?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like the movies. Yeah. Wow. How?

[Ice T]

It's different. The different kind of bank Robbies. One you play to, you go for the drawer. The other, you go for the safe. Who? Only punks go for the draw.

[Adam Carolla]

You go for the safe.

[Ice T]

We gotta go in the safe.

[Adam Carolla]

When you say great ass, you mean like you and like Queen Latifah or somebody else?

[Ice T]

Yeah, yeah, like she did in the movie. But, you know, they say, those who say don't know, and those who know don't say. So that was a part of my life that eventually rap music happened, and I was like, you know, I tried to rap like the New York rappers because I didn't want to do it. That was just what was happening when I touched back down. So I decided, you know, to try to rap, and I tried to rap like New York rappers. And my homies was like, well, rap about us, man. You know what I'm saying? Talk about how we living. So I started to rhyme more about.

[Allison Rosen]

You're so supportive of them.

[Ice T]

Well, you know, I mean, really, a rapper is just a cheerleader. You know, you're really rapping for the neighborhood or rapping for the team. So know you like, talk about us. So I started talking a little bit more about crime, and I invented a rap style called gangster rap.

[Adam Carolla]

How many takeover bank robberies you think you got under your belt?

[Ice T]

I plead the fifth. Where did you hear that? I never. Did anybody say that?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about?

[Allison Rosen]

Which was a bigger rush? The bank robberies or stuff that happened in the Army.

[Ice T]

Who robs banks?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, hypothetically.

[Adam Carolla]

Hypothetically.

[Ice T]

See, that's why. Hey, you know what I mean? Hey, I'm a cop. You ever watch Law and Order?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

So, again, the new I do. Svu, the new, by the way, the new doc, as we call them, the Art of Rap is out this Friday in June. June 15th. Exhibit. Dr. Dre, Kanye west, run DMC, Ice Cube. Who do you like? I mean, who do you think is doing a good job? And then who do you think sucks?

[Ice T]

Well, you know, the thing of it is, is that I went and I just picked the people for my film that I had relationship with, you know, being on tour, been out, you know, so these are all my friends in the movie, so I respect everybody in the film. I mean, now you got new rappers like Lupe fiasco, T.I. there's a kid out of LA, Kendrick Lamar. I like spitters. I like people that have content and they really go in, you know, I think a lot of rappers, you know, the bar got dropped really low and they just started jumping on the bus. I have a thing, I say, if there's more words in the hook than the rap, you're not rapping, you're hooking. Right? Okay. There's a lot of hookers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of hooking and illegal activity, you did a little pimping in Hawaii.

[Ice T]

Lord have mercy. Well, you know, once again, you know, I had to do things that were.

[Adam Carolla]

Illegal to make extra money.

[Ice T]

Well, that's because I thought it was cool at the time. You know, I quote Fargo, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know you ever hang out with the great Bishop Don Magicwan?

[Ice T]

Hell, yeah. Archbishop Don Magicwan is one of my great friends, you know, can't go wrong with the archbishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Church green.

[Ice T]

Yes, Tabernacle preach.

[Adam Carolla]

Green is for the money. Gold is for the honey. There's me and the great.

[Ice T]

I mean, you know, when me and my wife got renewed our vows, the Archbishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Ice T]

Did the ceremony.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta be shitting me. Yeah, it's every woman's dream as a little girl.

[Ice T]

And let me tell you about Archbishop Don.

[Adam Carolla]

Magic wand.

[Ice T]

When I first met Coco, I told him, I said, you know, this is a girl I'm feeling. I'm really interested. Tell me what you think. And he looked at her and he goes, put a ring on that player. When a pimp tells you to get married, you get married.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. We drove around with him. He gave us a little tutorial on how to be Pimps on the man show. And he does something sort of diabolical, which is he drinks, I'm guessing champagne while he drives, but he drinks it out of a chalice, so he never really. You know.

[Ice T]

He also smokes weed through his nostrils.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, how does he do that?

[Ice T]

Because he told God he'd never let weed touch his lips.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, a technicality.

[Ice T]

Inhales it through his. Yeah, Archbishop man.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say. Let me tell you something. The Pearly Gates, that ain't the IRS. You don't beat him on a technicality. St. Peter's too smart for that shit. He's the only guy I know who drives a custom Rolls Royce and lives in an apartment. And you've been to his apartment?

[Ice T]

Yeah, but I know a lot of other people that do that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not so common. Is that. Is that him with Teresa?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. She's coming in today too. Yeah, he's great. I. He's just like a. I don't know, he's. He's sort of like the world's biggest lap dog. Like, guys just like having him around.

[Ice T]

He's the one. He's one of a kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he is. Yes, he is. I've seen his closet. I've seen his living room. And, yeah, Jimmy and I went and hung out in his place. Not too far from where you live, by the way. Bald Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

He's on the west side like me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's on the west side, just like you. This is terrifying.

[Allison Rosen]

Where do you get most of your horrors?

[Brian Bishop]

Is he near that big green and gold house?

[Adam Carolla]

Is he anywhere near there?

[Ice T]

That might be his house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's got a. He's got a Cadillac. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I went over there. Snoop was there. Jimmy was there. Bishop Don, Magic Wand was there. And then a lot of just strange black men were there, eating Church's catfish and smoking reefer and not disappointing at all in the stereotype department. They were playing video games and eating fried catfish. I'm like 11 in the morning, and I pulled in there and Snoop said. Snoop was. He was down in the mouth. He was crestfallen because he said the Snoop Deville had just been canceled. They were gonna. He had. He had a good deal going with Cadillac. They were going to produce the Snoop Deville. And all of a sudden they pulled out at the last second and said, nah, we're not going to make a car with like a fur headliner, you know?

[Ice T]

And so Lee Iacocca went back on his Work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He was pissed off. And then he said to me, he said, you know what? Fuck Cadillac. I'm going to gm, right? And I remember saying, GM is Cadillac. It's like saying, fuck Toyota, I'm going to Lexus.

[Ice T]

That's why he needs you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why he needed.

[Ice T]

We need people around to keep. Before you go hard in the wrong person.

[Adam Carolla]

And then we all got really high, and then the ice cream truck pulled out in front. And by the way, there's no kids around. I think the ice cream truck would just pull out in front of the Bishop Don Magic Wand's apartment every day at noon, knowing that there'd be 30 super stone dudes that would run out in the street and attack all that shit.

[Ice T]

Munchy money.

[Adam Carolla]

But I gotta ask you this. White guys get fat when they smoke a ton of weed. Black guys don't get fat when they smoke a ton of weed. And now, and I'm being honest, I wonder if there's a gene here. Because Snoop Dogg smokes a ton of weed and he doesn't get fat.

[Ice T]

If I could tell you why.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Ice T]

White guys got the money to smoke the weed so they can sit on they butt and smoke it. Black guys, every time they finish, they gotta get up and hustle to get some more money to get.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's a calorie thing? Yeah.

[Ice T]

They get more money.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not an enzyme or something.

[Ice T]

Hunting down the weed. Gotta run the street.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't feel like black guys get the munchies like white guys.

[Ice T]

I just think they just smoke more weed.

[Adam Carolla]

They just smoke through it. Yeah. Or eat some weed. Smoke through the munchies. Yeah. Because white guys will stop and then go eat. That's how we just smoke through it.

[Ice T]

Eat the weed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Shall we? Do I see. Want to hang out and do a little news?

[Ice T]

I'm with you, baby. I'm having fun.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I love about ice tea. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So John Travolta is back in the news because his longtime assistant says that in fact, he is gay and he was in a relationship with a man for six years. And the man that he was in a relationship with, according to his assistant, was a male pilot. His pilot named Doug Gotiba. And they were lovers in the 80s. So people are saying this is lending more credence to the sexual assault massage stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Meet you in the cockpit. Here's the thing. I think. But I don't know, but you guys tell me. I think we're at the place now, and I've said this before. We don't care if you're gay.

[Ice T]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We care if we know you're gay and you're not admitting it.

[Ice T]

Yeah, there's a real.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a thing of now. It's this weird cyclical thing, which is if you find out I'm gay, then you're gonna judge me, and all the judgment is surrounding us, thinking you're gay. There's a thing that bothers everybody in life, which is when you think something but you don't know it, it bothers you, and it bothers you. You'll get into it with your wife, where you go, I set my keys down when I walk where they're not there. She'll go, I didn't touch them. And you'll go, what the fuck is going on now? It's not that big a deal, but even when you find the keys later on in the kitchen, you're bothered. You're like, how did it get there? I didn't put it there. And people get into arguments and they bet all the time, and they go online and they try to settle arguments. You know when somebody says something that doesn't sit right in your head and it just gets in there and it bothers you?

[Allison Rosen]

And you then you try to figure out, are they deluded or do they think I'm so stupid that I'm gonna believe their lie? And it's not even ever about you, usually.

[Adam Carolla]

And half the time, it's like, boy, I swore it was this way. Am I? And going nuts. So when it comes to being gay, it's like, you see Lance Bass, and you go, God, that guy's gay, right? I can smell cock on him. Like, when he exhales, the room smells like cock. And then he goes, I'm not gay. And then you get bothered inside, so you start questioning your judgment. Like, maybe my antenna's bent, like maybe my radar dish is not facing the right way. And then you go, what's wrong with me? And then you start to question yourself, and you have this weird feeling, and. And then later on, you find out he's gay, and you do the. I'm not insane. I knew he was gay. The only joke Lynette's ever really laughed at with me Is when I saw the COVID of this People magazine and I saw Lance Bass on it, I said, it does not need to say I'm gay. Whatever it says on there, it could say that the new face of Al Qaeda, and I would still read I'm gay. There's no reason to put I'm gay. It's a complete waste of lettering. So the thing about John Travolta and anyone else I believe in, this time that we're living in, it's not that you're gay. It's that you're lying and it's bothering us.

[Ice T]

Well, that's how straight guys feel about it. You know, it's like kind of like, okay, if you're gay, just let me know, you know what I'm saying? Don't come in the locker room with me, you know, Peter gazing and looking. Let me know what about that. And I can address that. I got a lot of Peter gazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Peter Gazin. Peter gazing. I love that sledgehammer song in his.

[Ice T]

It's kind of like, yo, let me know. You know, I've. Coming out of the hood, you end up understanding, you know, gays, homosexuals, very quickly, especially once you get into the business. And then you like, okay, that's cool. You could be gay as long as I could be straight, and there's no real problems there. You know what I'm saying? There's no problems. Let's not play games, you know, don't come up grabbing on me.

[Adam Carolla]

But what about the people that say, okay, he's not gonna have a career, right?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the argument, leading man.

[Ice T]

That's your life. That's you explaining yourself. But my thing is, I agree with you, Adam. Just say what you are, and then we can deal with it from there. You know, don't lie to me. And then I'm like, dude, all this time, don't lie. Just be honest about it. And I think right now we're in an era where being gay is accepted. People understand it. There's no big problems and everything. Just say what you are, and really, you're disrespecting the gay community by not admitting it. You know, just be down and roll with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also the argument, the acting argument, which has not really been fully fleshed, but I think that people, if you're a good actor, will go with you wherever you go, because there's plenty of roles where a straight guy plays a gay man, and everyone buys into it. You know, Tom Hanks in Philadelphia plays a gay guy. I don't sit around and go, well, this movie's ruined for me because I know he loves eating pussy, not sucking dick. I go, he's playing a gay guy. And there's plenty of movies.

[Allison Rosen]

I think the idea is that women won't be attracted, perhaps, but there's movies.

[Adam Carolla]

There's plenty of movies where it's like, this chick plays an astrophysicist and she's 22 and hot, and we don't care. Every role. There's roles. I mean, every role in movies is. This took place a thousand years ago. She's playing Cleopatra. You know what I mean? Like, I understand. We understand.

[Allison Rosen]

It's ageism. They get someone who's like 30 to play, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But we understand that this isn't that guy. I know that Val Kilmer's not Jim Morrison, but it doesn't bother me.

[Ice T]

I just think for so long it's been taboo, even the term coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ice T]

You know what I'm saying? It's like, why you got to come out, you're gay. Where were you before?

[Allison Rosen]

It's called being yourself.

[Ice T]

Yeah, Be yourself. So, you know, I don't got no problems with it. I just. I agree with you, though. It's like, just be real.

[Adam Carolla]

But then you get into this problem where when you've been denying it for so long, you've built up. There's so much to undo now. And there's kids, marriage, and there's denial, denial, denial, denial. And after all those years, there's so much scar tissue over this thing, which is, you know, if you're 19 and you're in a boy band and you go, fuck it, I'm gay, then you're gay from the start, you know, John Travolta has way too many straight years to undo. Like, you got to re. Break those straight bones and set them in a gay shape.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, I do sort of understand the idea, though, of, hey, fuck you, leave me alone. This is my business. Although that's an untenable position to take.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're in the public eye, unfortunately.

[Ice T]

I say this for John Travolta. I've always been a fan. You know what I'm saying? I met him. He was a very nice guy. I got to meet his wife. We kicked it and stuff. So whatever. It doesn't change my view of John Travolta. Vinny Barberino, all the way up to now is new stuff. So, I mean, but like you say, this is his thing and he gonna have to figure out how to work it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And unfortunately, we're not in a position where you just say nothing and things blow over. Or you're Howard Hughes and you hire a publicist and he pays somebody off, or you kill a hooker or whatever it is. I mean, I'm sure back in the day he'd just kill his assistant. Like Howard Hughes would just get rid of somebody or just pay off some newspaper, you say, well, we're.

[Ice T]

You start coming up missing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There was a lot of stuff where you'd just meet somebody down by the docks.

[Ice T]

More gangster back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you just show up with some money, and they'd hand you an envelope with some pictures in it and some negatives in it, and you'd hand them some money and that'd be the end of that.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, with all the digital photos and things, do you think anyone ever hands someone an envelope with photos in it?

[Adam Carolla]

There's no more scenes and movies.

[Allison Rosen]

They just email them a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Every movie I watched growing up, some guy'd go get the negatives. Yeah. Now it's like, what?

[Ice T]

It's on the net now?

[Adam Carolla]

It's on the net.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And if you're trailing someone, is there like some gumshoe in a car with a long lens camera? No, no. He's got his little iPhone out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you don't have to do the hidden thing, that little mini micro camera where you're taking pictures. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The days of being handed these surveillance photos, the black and white of the people, like, interacting. It's like, yeah, I can't look anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And why are detectives always so disheveled? Ice T, you're a cop. You can answer this one.

[Ice T]

They don't get make. They don't make no money. The jealous, naturally jealous and envious of everything. So they, they. They're haters. They're born haters.

[Allison Rosen]

What's Christopher Maloney like?

[Ice T]

Chris is a great dude. Chris is a great dude. I've worked with him for 12 years. You know what I'm saying? He's an incredible actor, but he know, he wanted to make his move. He wanted to go off. He wants to do films, direct films, act in movies. He's gonna be in True Blood. So you know when you're an actor and you're at that moment, you gotta make your move. So I just had to say, okay, you're finished with the show. I'm not. All right. All you guys get together. We need to stay on the air for a few more years. So, you know, Danny Pino came in, Kelly Gittish. We got picked up for the 14th season. God bless, Chris.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, a detective is a great job because it's the only job where you can open your drawer and pull out a bottle of Scotch and no one says anything. Like, if you're doing data entry and you just open your desk drawer and pull out a bottle of scotch, someone's gonna go, what the fuck are you doing? If you're a Scotch. Yeah. You can't keep shit in that glove box. Like, what are you doing, detective, middle of the day, middle of the week. Pull out the bottle of Jack Daniels and just pour yourself a nice. And then you can offer it to your boss.

[Ice T]

Yeah, you got a rough job. I've seen so much blood and carnage. Drink to get through the day. Go back out on the streets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ice T]

Rough out here.

[Allison Rosen]

Get a hold of yourself.

[Ice T]

Still trying to get over the kid I shot.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, take a rough. Take a belt of that Crown Royal. Where's life? That'll sue the pain.

[Ice T]

She's on the Home Shopping Network.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Allison. Well, so. John Travolta. Who the hell knows? I feel I. You know, I feel. Look. Yeah. I feel sorry. Here's a reason. I feel sorry for the guy because his timing was bad. If he was an actor 30 years earlier, it would have been. Not a question. You can't bring this up. We'll all have my little affairs on.

[Brian Bishop]

The side of Tom Ken with the Rock Hudson.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No one will be talking, and we'll do our thing. If it was now, you'd just be gay. That's it. But he got caught in this weird in between thing, started down this path. You see it happen all the time where people deny something, and then they get caught behind that, and then that becomes their crime.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it also seems like with some people, they're not really even trying to hide it that much in their circle. Like, it sounds like he had a fairly open relationship with this pilot and expected the people around him to keep it a secret. And I don't know whether that's a good idea or not. I can say as a journalist, there were plenty of times that I walked into a situation and people would be doing things and they'd be like, don't write about any of this.

[Ice T]

Well, didn't something happen like that with George Michaels and everybody? Like, oh, George Michael's gay? I'm like, y' all didn't know that?

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't see that Choose Life video where, you know, dolphin shorts and the day glow, you know, leg warmers. You didn't see that? 1.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that what that means?

[Adam Carolla]

You watch. That was the time.

[Ice T]

Yeah, yeah. Dolphin shorts. That's a Definitely a green light.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. DayGlo dolphin shorts. Look, if I can see what your sack is thinking during the video, when.

[Brian Bishop]

He sings the line, you make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day. That would have been it right there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it.

[Ice T]

Any Doris Day reference?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, just a cultured reference. So are you familiar with the scandal going on with the Miss USA pageant right now, where Sheena Monon, who's Miss Pence, was Miss Pennsylvania, dropped out claiming that the pageant is rigged? She said that the morning that they were going to announce, like, the final five or 15 or something, she saw a list of them ahead of time. And this contest is rigged. Of course, Donald Trump says that is BS and he offered. He's issued a 24 hour ultimatum that she had to retract her statements and apologize or else she would face a lawsuit. And she didn't retract. And so now Donald's lawyers are drafting a defamation lawsuit.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a legal team. First off, I just think he's just. This is all just theater. Trump, right. He's a performance artist. Like, at some point, there's gonna be a press conference and he's gonna unzip a Donald Trump suit and a small Jewish man is gonna climb out and he'll be gay and he'll be raised in Brooklyn and he'll say, I'm a performance artist and I was showing you.

[Allison Rosen]

How evil would come out.

[Ice T]

But maybe a hologram will walk out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like something. But this is just like performance art. Like, I think Trump knows it well.

[Allison Rosen]

You are the one who has the most experience up close with Trump. Did you get the sense that he realizes that he's a buffoon?

[Adam Carolla]

He, I.

[Allison Rosen]

He had buffoon awareness.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said it. I'll compare it to other things. There's a lot of things in society where, like I said, a Twinkie is not a pastry, it's a Twinkie. And the people at Hostess are proud of it. They're not proud of it. Like, this is the best pastry, and it rivals anything from Europe. It's like we make Twinkies and there's fast food that can say that. And there's kfc. There's cars. Yeah. KFC is not great Kentucky. Great Fried Chicken. It's just great kfc. And everyone fucking likes it, especially the bishop. Don Magic wine.

[Ice T]

I like it, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, hold on. Good thing I'm sitting down. Wow. Wow. Knock me over with a feather. The point Is this. I think he knows who he is, and he knows what he's doing, and he knows that people think he's a buffoon. But first off, just the idea that we're talking about him constantly. Like, you never go more than 10 minutes without somebody bringing up his fucking name. Number one. Number two, he's buffooning himself all the way to the Buffoon bank with all this stuff. I don't think he gives a shit.

[Brian Bishop]

And Ice Tea robbed the Buffoon Bank.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. Did you take over style the Buffoon Bank?

[Ice T]

No, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

No one is safe in the Buffoon.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a safe filled with giant checks, giant bills.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Buffoon bank has those ink canisters that they put in with the money, but it's clear they're so fucking dumb. So it just. And it smells of lavender. He knows who he is. Also, you do have to realize that people don't surround themselves with people that say they're buffoons. They have a lot of yes men, family, wives, you know what I mean? And a lot. Everyone's on the payroll. And when Donald Trump walks onto that set, no one goes, here comes King Douchebag. Everyone sits up. So I think there's a layer of insulation between him and what we all. We all think. And again, he figured out a way to parlay this into a fucking fortune. I mean, you know, but I mean, can I. Yeah. Who.

[Ice T]

Who really cares if the Miss America pageant is rigged? I mean, this is a national security issue. No, I mean, like, who cares? It's a beauty pageant. Maybe the pageant moms care because they're working their daughters up to Miss America. And to think that it could be rigged devastates the whole pageant.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, why would he rig it? And how does that work? And are we talking about money or sexual favors?

[Ice T]

Well, I also saw this. I'm embarrassed to say I even know about this, but I also saw that earlier she was mad because of the transgender thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's what people are saying was her beef, but she's saying that's not true.

[Ice T]

So she twisted one day she's mad something, the next day she. Yeah, so she was pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Either way, who gives a shit? And again, first world problems, we have so many of them. Look at the news and just count the non problems that we have in this country. There's no way they would lead the news off with this. In any of the African nations and many of the places that are undergoing ethnic cleansing or war or civil war. We have Problems like this. Non problems. Two rich, good looking people that no one should give a shit about.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's a problem out of Japan. This Japanese artist removed his genitals because he wanted to be asexual, or he's asexual and he wanted to not be burdened with having junk.

[Adam Carolla]

Light lifting for the Japanese. Go ahead, brothers. That's a three day weekend.

[Ice T]

Wow, you've already lost me in this story.

[Allison Rosen]

It just. It gets so much worse.

[Adam Carolla]

He removed his own junk?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, yeah, he had it removed and then he like auctioned off the chance to eat it. His genitals, including balls, were prepared. Well, I guess. Does genitals include balls? It does. It's inclusive.

[Adam Carolla]

I like to think it does.

[Ice T]

Wait a minute. Is this a real picture?

[Allison Rosen]

It's. Yeah. And I think we should not show the other pictures because they're disgusting. And the dish was prepared with button mushrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm thrilled.

[Allison Rosen]

And Italian parsley. And so he opted off. It was $250 per person, which is some number of yen. Five people. And anyway, this whole thing happened and it didn't break any laws. That was the first story. Because cannibalism is not illegal in Japan.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say something. That.

[Ice T]

Say something please, because I'm losing my mind.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more cock and balls than the Asians. What is going on with those people? If they're not killing a rhino to get a boner, they're eating someone else's coc.

[Allison Rosen]

What, you think it's small?

[Adam Carolla]

There's some sort of weird. I'm just saying. A brother would never eat a.

[Ice T]

Now I want to know. Wait a minute. All right, we'll back this up. The dude cut his nut sack off. He pulls his balls off. He freaking.

[Allison Rosen]

He had them surgically removed it.

[Ice T]

He. Nut sacks cut off. Yeah. Now who bought it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, see, that's my crazier. That's my point.

[Allison Rosen]

And only $250. He should have held out.

[Adam Carolla]

Who ate it?

[Allison Rosen]

Just five disgusting people.

[Adam Carolla]

Five people.

[Allison Rosen]

Five people. 250 each.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And a whole bunch of people came to the banquet and they didn't get to eat this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But they got to be around. It's so disgusting. It is so disgusting. And there's even more disgusting photos that we're not showing.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah. Wow. I do. It's a weird thing that that part of the world is obsess with the penis. And I swear to God it's over compensation because there's something going on, or not going on down in those shorts that has Made this focus way too much on it. And I wish. And I don't know if this is illegal. It should be illegal, right? Jesus Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's. Okay. So the re. But now it's under investigation because while cannibalism is not illegal in Japan, selling your organs is like you can't even sell your blood.

[Adam Carolla]

There's cannibalism, not illegal.

[Allison Rosen]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not just go out on a limb and say you can't eat your fellow citizens and then do some sort of thing in case. Unless the plane goes down and you're snowed in.

[Ice T]

But if the plane goes down, you're snowed in. Right. And you gotta eat your friend. Which one of your boys says I get the dick in balls?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like I'm gonna eat his.

[Ice T]

I'm trying to eat as far away from his balls. Yeah, I'm gonna eat his calf or something.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, you gotta play that one close to the vest. Hey guys, if no one else wants that, unless anybody else has an ejection.

[Adam Carolla]

I will shove the dick out in that snow bank and make a dixicles. Anyone else want in there? We good? All right.

[Ice T]

God, that's the wild.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Ice T has to. Has to move on. So I've been told by his people.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, I'm having fun.

[Ice T]

I forgot what else I had to do today, man.

[Adam Carolla]

The Art of rap, by the way, is a movie. It's his directorial debut from the five minute trailer I saw.

[Ice T]

And they could see the trailer, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you can see it on our site if you like. You can just go to AdamCorol.com and you can see the trailer. We'll put it up on our site and just go online. I'm sure you can find it. Or theartofrap.com the artofrap.com is where you find. You can twitter him at finallevel. That is final level.

[Ice T]

Put a ring on that player.

[Adam Carolla]

Always good to see. I see. Quick break. Back with Teresa Strasser. More news.

[Ice T]

Thanks, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Teresa Strasser, good to see you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Very good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

So exploding my baby, by the way, the name of the book available on Amazon. And if you're gonna go to Amazon, you get my book, you get Theresa's book and you click through our site and you wet everyone's beak and you put some wind in the pirate sale. All right, so let's see. Parents of the week. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You've brought in three. Mm.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I was waiting for Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there it is. Teresa Strasser presents Parents of the week. You're the best mom in the whole world.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sometimes I can predict what you're gonna say and how you're gonna feel. I like to think that after all these years, Adam, I kind of know which parents you're gonna like even though they did something wrong and which parents you're gonna detest. This one, I just. I can't call it.

[Adam Carolla]

I like effort. I like calories burnt.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it when somebody marches into some principal's office and starts throwing punches. And like, you go, that woman's out of control. And it's like, yep. But my mom would have just taken a hit off a joint and laid back and watched some more Ben Hunter.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, your mom would have gone in the bathroom and perhaps yelled, freak out.

[Adam Carolla]

She locked herself in the bedroom, yell freak out.

[Teresa Strasser]

But yeah, okay, I'm still. Now I'm still not sure because he burnt. Okay, here's what happened. A guy, 47 year old guy, tells his 16 year old daughter, you have an hour to pack up. Pack up your backpack. Here's a blanket. I'm dropping you about 14 miles out of town with no cell phone, where, you know, nobody. We're done.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Teresa Strasser]

What did she do? She failed calculus.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Calculus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. A passerby saw her wandering, called the cops. She originally gave the cops a fake name because her dad said, you better not say who you are. And then she broke down, they called the guy and they gave two years probation, 100 hours community service, and then my favorite, he was forced to take parenting classes. I feel like that ship has sailed. She's 16, and that's probably the way he's gonna parent, I feel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a sort of window where the cement on your sidewalk of parenting is still wet and someone can take a stick and put their initials into it, but once the kid's 16, that stuff is covered with gum. It needs to be water. Blasted. There's some cat shit on there and there's an old sofa that's been dragged out on top of you. Like, it's hard to learn to parent at that point.

[Teresa Strasser]

And should he be taking the parenting class or teaching it? Because she did fail the class. It wasn't like she got a C.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, Winnie from the Wonder Years would be devastated if she heard this news, by the way, because she's devoted her life to mathematics. Math is one of those things that some people almost like language don't get. Like there is a weird part of your brain that cannot get math. And some people have that part or don't have that part. And I don't know that you can get. Now, you can teach those people the times tables, because that's memorization. But once you get into calculus, right?

[Allison Rosen]

If she got into calculus, she has math aptitude. I am personally very disappointed in her. She should have applied herself. What part of the country was this in?

[Teresa Strasser]

Outside Philly, which, as you know, is the city where they booed Santa. But my husband said I can never say that again. He's from Philly, and he insists that it was a bad Santa and he was intoxicated. He was an understudy Santa, and that you can't judge the whole city of Philly. However, this did happen there.

[Brian Bishop]

Santa was from Philly.

[Teresa Strasser]

He was from Philly. And I expected you to ask about the guy's ethnicity for some reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when I heard about the math, I started.

[Allison Rosen]

He's already decided.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I was gonna see if you could predict.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, let's just. Let's eliminate some, and then it'll work better that way. Not black. Dad was around. Not Jewish, because not only would the kid not fail, but I don't think they do any sort of harsh, I'm driving to the edge of town, fuck now sort of thing. Definitely not Hispanic as fuck. Calculus. What the fuck is that? Now we're down to basically white and Asian, and the math makes it feel Asian, but the driving and dropping off on the edge of town feels white.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the white would be doing this because she didn't make the varsity water polo team.

[Teresa Strasser]

See, now, I would have thought this could have been a Jew or any kind of immigrant. However, because we don't take kindly to people failing at academia, however, we would kill you emotionally. We wouldn't actually just put you out. We would just hurt you with a subtle shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there'd be a lot of answering the phone going, oh, you'd like to speak to my daughter who failed calculus.

[Teresa Strasser]

Cousin Sophie got an A. Kratos now.

[Adam Carolla]

Goes to heart, that mixed with a weird. And then you'd slide into an eating disorder, and it'd be much more damaging big picture than walking 16 miles. But I've eliminated the Jews, the blacks, the Hispanics, And I'm gonna mix it up. I'm gonna cover my bet here. I'm gonna hedge. I'm gonna say white mom, Asian, Asian dad.

[Teresa Strasser]

You gonna mix? Brian, what do you have figuring out audio issues, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I guess just to set myself apart, I'm going full Asian, German.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a German wild card. I could Play a German Polish wild card. I could play in here too, but go ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

Should we. You got a photo of this guy to call up in there? 47 year old man, Tuan Hune.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

So there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming together. There you go. But I'm married to a. What?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it's unclear. There's nothing about the mom. She somehow didn't get in any trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

So I got to see a picture of the kid because I could be right here.

[Teresa Strasser]

You could see.

[Adam Carolla]

We could have a nice half braid here.

[Teresa Strasser]

We could have a half cbd.

[Allison Rosen]

I just don't.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's a minor.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she did. She did fail calculus.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And calculus, that is hard integrals and.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Algebra I could still do, but I.

[Allison Rosen]

Had to get a tutor.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm proud to say I never took algebra. Never got past what was called high school math.

[Allison Rosen]

And yet I bet you probably could do algebra.

[Adam Carolla]

I did place in the advanced level of my junior college entrance exam for algebra. Which means they're fucked up. Or something's wrong with me. I think it's more they're fucked up. Oh yeah. I'm good at math. I always was good at math. Just something it was any class. I wasn't going to block against school. I wasn't gonna go to college. So if you're not gonna go to college, then you're a sucker for taking classes that would prepare you for clean carpets for a living. All I want to do is take as many ceramics glasses as I possibly could and get the fuck out of there. So why make things like needlessly hard on yourself?

[Allison Rosen]

That's how I feel at the gym.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Become like a fitness model.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Teresa Strasser]

Let me tell you. What's the point when you're six months pregnant? Because tomorrow I'm not going to look thin or good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

So, you know, it's hard to find the motivation.

[Adam Carolla]

Hands full of Haagen Dazs, baby.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see this. I want to see the wife. That's the question. Yeah, we maybe the daughter.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm gonna look into it for you. Daughter's a minor. Her photos are not in the press and there's no word on the mom. But I think you could still be right.

[Allison Rosen]

As interesting as the hour to pack the bag. Why did he side for that tiny amount of mercy and the blanket, it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Gives it a certain amount of drama. You got an hour. Pack your bag.

[Allison Rosen]

Emotionally. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And let's go. And I wonder what she put in her bag.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like, go outside and give me a stick to beat you with, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but part of it too is you got to be specific. Like you can't go. Take, take a really undecided amount of time to pack your bag.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, let me know when you're ready.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know how 16 year olds are, you being there packing all night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you see it in every good movie. But I go, you have 24 hours. It's never like, yeah, between 22 and 30 hours or you never see yourself.

[Teresa Strasser]

Take however long you need. But it's pretty soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Two to three days. I'm gonna give you a window between four and eight. Someone's gonna stop by and abduct your daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know what the fuck to do with the kids because my kids are going nuts. And I don't know. There's like, you want discipline. I don't know how to. There's something going on where there's gotta be some balance between what we're creating now with, with cupcake parties every other day at the school and the graduation of every grade. You have to go to the graduation. They're going from kindergarten to first grade and then they'll go from first to second grade. But really the graduation from second to third grade. When I was in grade school, there was a sixth grade graduation and then there was a graduation in junior high. It was for the ninth graders who were going to go off to high school and they changed it up since. But it wasn't an every year and everything. And your party wasn't celebrated. I mean, my kids have their birthday party on the day of their birthday. They have it at the school and then they have the big party that's for Saturday, the weekend party.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't they have celebration fatigue?

[Adam Carolla]

You really, you really would think like they'd have like carpal tunnel syndrome from opening too many packages.

[Teresa Strasser]

Those are injuries from the pinata swinging.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you have like sprinkles lung where one just gets. You sucked up so many cupcakes in such a short period of time that you've actually inhaled so many sprinkles in like a coal miner. They're just sitting there in your lung.

[Teresa Strasser]

You got pink lung.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's going to be a lot of weird. There's going to be like a lot of weird physical problems, ailments that we're going to have that have been brought on. Like when I go through airport security and there's me and there's two Other guys, I'm trying to chug a liter of water because I don't want to throw it out. Like I feel stupid with the big Fuji water. And it's gonna go into the trash can and it's gonna make it super heavy for the asshole has to lift it out of there.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's also waterboard yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

I just bought it for $3.99 over at the Starbucks and now I'm gonna chuck it. So, yes, I water. There's gonna be some weird, like, oh, you have floating liver syndrome. Like where it's like you, you went through the airport too many times and you diluted the enzymes in your liver because you chug three quarts of Fuji water and 10 seconds. But there's all these weird little activities that are going on, and I think we're gonna have hell to pay.

[Teresa Strasser]

At least Sprinkle's lung. Well, here is a father where the sidewalk cement is still hardening. We could still probably help Kayshawn King. He's only 19. He was pulled over. Couple kids not wearing seat belts, not in their car seats, that's not so great. But one of them, a 3 year old, had a 9 millimeter handgun containing eight live rounds. And that's not even the worst thing. Kids not in their car seat one of them with a loaded gun with ammo. But the cops reported that when they approached the car, they heard him calling his toddler by the toddler's nickname, fatty.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, he was just saying, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty. I'd rather you shoot me with the 9 millimeter.

[Adam Carolla]

This is something you guys will never understand, but it's a cultural thing. When you're fat in certain cultures, and I'm going to eliminate the Asians, the Jews and the whites. And just flip the cards on this one right now. When I used to work with the Mexicans, the Mexicans, like they had when they had a kid and the kid was fat, the kid was called. He'd yell for his name. Now the kid's name was like Enrique, but he would not call the kid Enrique. He called him borderless queso. Ball of cheese. Wow. Ball of cheese.

[Teresa Strasser]

Because my nickname was Butterball. My grandfather, I did fat turkey.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you something about healthy turkeys recently. Something about certain. We are the only culture really, that really takes the time for something called nuance. Everyone else calls it like they see it.

[Teresa Strasser]

What is cheese?

[Adam Carolla]

Ball of cheese. If you're fat and you're roly poly and you're Mexican, you will be known as the ball of cheese. They don't mince words, those people. I don't think they have enough words to mince. They call it like they see it. They call it. And it's like they like their music. It's like they like their news reporters. It's like they like the. You know who else uses, like royal.

[Allison Rosen]

They like their Sabado.

[Adam Carolla]

Royal purple as a trim color on the side of fascia on the side of a house. It's just. They don't got time.

[Brian Bishop]

Subtle.

[Adam Carolla]

For all the subtleties. They roll. They fucking tell it like it is. And I kind of like that.

[Teresa Strasser]

You think that's healthier for the fat kid? Well, the table, it's. It's never the case.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a point where you're gonna have either. You will be told either. You'll find out you're fat through your parents or through society or through your schoolmates, but either way.

[Allison Rosen]

Or through your pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Or through your pants. But you'll never escape that reality. And no, I don't think the parents should be calling them fatty. On the other hand, every fat. I'm sure they're fat cave people that were called fat. Like, oh, that's Tobar, the fat one. You know what I mean? Like, that's what you are. That's what you're called. That's what we. That's. That's all we know. And that's changed in the last 10 years, but it's really changed in our culture. It's having trouble catching on in other cultures where they sort of call it like they see it.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm more disturbed by the gun.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, yeah, that is bad. That's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus they have the whole ph. Fat. Which doesn't mean, you know, doesn't cut as deep. Yeah, he's just saying that fat part.

[Teresa Strasser]

Fatty.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, the gun. Now, was the gun tucked into a sizable waistband or was it. Where was that? Yeah, where'd he keep the gun?

[Teresa Strasser]

Little fat toddler holster. The kid was just holding it. And the dad was charged with endangering the life of a child and possession of a firearm, but apparently the gun was right in the hands of a three year old girl. That's a badass, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we.

[Allison Rosen]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we do. I mean, why is it, why is it so difficult for us to wrap our minds around the concept of this human being should not have another child for some specified period of time? And in a world where we use technology freely, we could use technology to do this as well. Like, pretty simple here you go, you're Lindsay Lohan. You've been. You've gotten a couple DUIs. You've gotten some scraps with some. Some paparazzi and stuff like that. We're not going to incarcerate you, but we are going to put this bracelet on your ankle. And then you're going to have to stay home. It's called house arrest. And if you walk out onto the street, you're going to get popped. And also, we're going to give you Andy dick. We're going to give you this alcohol monitoring device because you've proven to have a problem with alcohol. We don't just walk around, knock on a door, you open it and go, is your husband home? Put this alcohol monitoring device on it. No. You have to have a rich history with alcohol and problems related to alcohol. And then we use science and technology and we put this thing on Andy's ankle, and we put this thing on Lindsey's ankle. And we go, that's because. And people don't question it. And we do a thing where you got too many DUIs. You have to blow into this thing in order to start your car. And no one goes, wait a minute, Wait a minute. Now you're playing God.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, you brought the jizz into something first.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It'll read out whether you're fit to have kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, before you can.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Same device they used to start the car. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It would just involve some precision, and.

[Teresa Strasser]

They just check to make sure. Your kids have never had, like, guns with live ammo in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of people walking past you at the Costco parking lot going, what the fuck is that guy doing with his head? Press against the dome lights. That is fucking bizarre. I'll tell you, that guy is a car lover. I've met guys who like cars. This guy loves them. I've never seen someone beat off on their dash Buick. And I've seen guys polish the shit out of their car. I've seen them rebuild training. I've never seen a guy masturbate on his own dash. That fucking guy. Say what you will. Say what you will about him. He fucking loves cars. You cannot take that away from him. So we understand this technology that we use and, like, well, we do the whole thing with the pedophiles, and we're gonna register them and we're gonna put them on a list and all kinds of up when you prove to be a horrific parent. And you're only 19 and you have two, three kids, and you're fucking horrible. And Then we don't kick open the door of your apartment and do this to you. You get pulled over and your kid's got a gun. Why not just use the logical extension of the alcohol monitoring thing or the wrist, you know, home arresting or whatever it is, or the registering if you're a pedophile and go, you may not have kids, just like Andy Dick may not drink because you have forfeited your rights for this through being very irresponsible. Those of you who are raising your kids and those of you who are having a glass of wine at your meal, you're fine.

[Allison Rosen]

You'd think it would actually be a relief to the person who can't stop having kids. Sort of like the alcoholic at a certain point. Like it's, you don't have to drink anymore, you don't have to do this. And there's a relief in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree. Do you think at 19, this guy wants another little holster to carry around his firearm? Like, what does he want? He doesn't want it either. He doesn't want it. Society doesn't want it. Taxpayers don't want it. The landlord doesn't want it. His parents don't want it. Like his old lady doesn't want it. Like, who fucking wants it? And why can't somebody bring this up? And when are we going to do something about it? And isn't it our job to do something about it as a society?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a public safety issue. That's why when someone's gotten five DUIs, we take their license and maybe we give them an alcohol monitoring device.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going to hurt somebody else? Yes. You ride a motorcycle, you must put on a helmet. I don't want to put on a helmet. If you crash and we have to pay for you in the hospital, then it's our business and we have to pay for it. And one of these kids is going to prison and the other one's going to shoot my kid. Thus it's a nuisance. Thus we're going to cut your balls off.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. I think in certain instances, we don't. Like when we started taxing cigarettes. Sure. The tobacco lobby. And certain people thought, well, now you're stepping on our freedoms. But most people, we're gonna have to pay for people's healthcare after they get lung cancer. So I don't mind charging them a little bit more. And then they can pay for their own healthcare.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Although I do. I still don't think that math pencils out because I've had it happen a Million times. And I understand. Look, it's a tax, it's a syntax. Like, I understand no one, you don't need cigarettes. So if you want cigarettes, pay an extra buck a pack and we'll send the money to the kids. Fine, you don't need booze. So if you want that, you know, you don't put it on milk, you put it on Scotch. I understand that part. I have said for many years, I would like that on gasoline. I would like gasoline at 10 bucks a gallon. My whole plan for this fucking to turn this city into a utopia. Because it just took me, you know, two hours to get to Irvine the other night. My thing is take gas 10 bucks a gallon. Now, by the way, if you want to drive a Denali at 10 bucks a gallon, that's your business. I'm guessing it would push a lot of people into a Prius, but if you want to drive it, that's your business. Now, all the poor people, all the folks that go, fuck, I can't afford 10 bucks for gas. Guess what? I'm buying a fleet of vans. And I got a lot of money because I'm going to have a lot of money in my kitty because at an extra 550A gallon, there's going to be a lot of fucking money. And I'll tell you what, the freeways are going to be empty. Everyone who has to get to work is going to get there on time, but they're going to pay for it. And if you ask most people, if you ask me, look, you can take two hours to get to Irvine, or you can take 45 minutes to get to Irvine, but if you take 45 minutes, it's going to cost you an extra 18 bucks round trip. I'd fucking pay it. That'd be my thing. And if you're poor and you go, fuck it, I can't, don't worry. I got a van that's gonna pick you up at your front door, it's gonna drop you off at work and drive you home, and I'm gonna save you a shitload of money.

[Allison Rosen]

The bus of shame. Bus.

[Adam Carolla]

The bus of shame. Yes. I would put a huge dunce cap on it.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think all buses are bus of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Make the joss smell like farts. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What would the horn sound like?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like the Le Coucarache would be like the lunch truck. No, I am gonna save you money on car insurance, and I'm gonna save you money you money on gas, and I'm gonna save you on repairs. And tires. It comes. Save you 800 to 1000 bucks a month. Poor person. I got 5 bucks on every gallon I sell. It's going to a van and they're coming to your house to pick you up.

[Teresa Strasser]

I like this. And I think so will Catalina Clauser. This is a 19 year old woman. You ever, like, put your coffee on top of your car and forget you've done that and then get in the car and drive away and the coffee falls off?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, boy.

[Teresa Strasser]

And you're sad you're looking at a photo of her. She does have pink hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of photos, by the way, how about GoToMeeting? Sorry for cutting out.

[Allison Rosen]

Expertly timed.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta get a little love in here. Go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. Yeah, Take a photo. You don't need a photo. You're looking at everybody. Real time, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Moving photos.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving photos. It is the future. Just like those nickel arcades. Yep. You can use your webcam, you can use your iPad. You can just download the Meeting Go to meeting app. Put that right on the iPad. Kapow. It's kind of nice, actually, because I'm going to be out of town for a while and I'm going to use this thing to see my kids.

[Teresa Strasser]

Make sure that their sprinkle lung isn't getting any worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Diane Ladd]

Just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Try GoToMeeting free 45 days. Only if you use the promo code. Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try free button and use the promo code. Adam. Sorry, where were we?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Catalina might be able to use GoToMeeting to meet with her parole officer in a little bit of trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like I said, a lot of people do this where you put something on the roof of the car and you forget it's there. The driveway. I do that maybe once a week with my coffee because I'm very concerned with buckling in my child.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Teresa Strasser]

She got a little confused. She put her five week old baby in the car seat. Just put it on the roof of the car. It's around midnight, so it's a little late leaving your friend's house. And she drove off with the baby in the car seat. On the car? Yeah, the baby. She didn't realize till she reached her destination.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

She was missing something.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it was the baby. Totally unharmed. Fell off in the car seat, landed in the middle of the road. Some people saw it. It was turned sideways. It's a good car seat. And they saw the baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, Randall Tex Cobb snatched it up off A motorcycle had a shotgun hanging behind his back.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're thinking, well, what kind of baby, five weeks old, survives falling off the hood of a car in a car seat? Even though I was thinking, what kind.

[Allison Rosen]

Of idiot leaves her 5 week old baby on the top of her car?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sure, there's that. I was thinking about what that story is gonna be like when the kid is 19 and talking to their manager, the Dairy Queen, about how they cheated death. And the guy's gonna go, yeah, yeah, the fries are burning, sweetie. Fries over there. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

I haven't even gotten to the best part.

[Adam Carolla]

I know we're all meant to do something. You're meant to get those fucking fries out, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, but maybe this baby is meant for greatness. Because earlier that same day, before surviving this trip on the mom's car and falling in the road, the mom's boyfriend was pulled over for a DUI with the same baby in the car.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't you mean husband? Theresa, she has a kid after her.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes do mean boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

So in one day, this baby survived driving with a drunk dui. And did I mention the mom was high?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, you didn't have to. Again, I'm gonna get preachy for a second. This person is white trash. The husband's white trash. The other couple we were talking about was probably black trash, right? And I mean, when we're talking Kayshawn.

[Teresa Strasser]

King with the armed child, I'm going.

[Adam Carolla]

Way out on a limb and I'll go, that was a person of color and this is a white person from Florida. I'm confused. Anyway, Phoenix, Phoenix, this is a white person and the other person is a black person. And whenever you bring this stuff up, it gets divided down racial lines and people go, well, you can't be playing God. And by the way, you're taking a group of people that does more of this activity and you're sterilizing them and all that. No, I'm not. I'm just saying you be a horrible parent. That's the only criteria you need to fill. We don't need to know your ethnicity. I'm not interested. If it happens to be more of one than the other, so be it. But we have a black horrible parent and we have a white horrible parent. One of them's doing with the gun, the other one's. Just because we're all over the map, don't care. And by the way, make it a personal challenge to your culture to have the least of you on my fucking sterilization list. But either way, I am not interested.

[Teresa Strasser]

Come on, team. We can do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we can. Pull out and come on the tits. Come on now. I don't care who you are. We'll have a set of criteria that'll be bad parents, dangerous parents and people that should not reproduce. She clearly fits that. The other couple clearly fit that. And that's where we'll leave it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now here's the upside of the story. I was thinking this baby survived driving with a drunk guy and driving with the high mom and falling off the car. Could this be the origin story of a superhero? Because I feel like Brian would know more about this than I would. But don't most superheroes. There's some story from when they were a kid that both caused them to get their superpower and motivated them.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, this is sort of Harry Potter.

[Adam Carolla]

Esque, you know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Parents who weren't really around different circumstances, of course, but cheated death and legendary because of it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. And maybe the fall that, that action could have somehow left the lightning bolt on their forehead. So maybe this baby is gonna be.

[Adam Carolla]

Some sort of this, this, this action hero. The superhero weapon of choice. A well shaken can of Mountain Dew.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Blinding them. And then a phone cord with the truck nuts tied in the end of it swinging around like the lasso of truth. This would be the white trash superhero. You know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

I like this.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's signature move. You know how Zorro had their signature move? Their signature move is taking a sharpie and drawing eyebrows on it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a bird. It's a plane. And they get in the driveway.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, they're both in the driveway. They get stronger when they eat some ambrosia salad or some of their other.

[Allison Rosen]

They can shoot mayonnaise with their fingers.

[Adam Carolla]

Anything fried. It's Miracle Whip.

[Allison Rosen]

But yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, the giant mullet cape. The cape just comes down. The hair is part of the, part of the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

He has a wife beater. And he pulls it away to reveal another wife beater.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay, I leave you with this.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, he says when he says it's time to go for the utility belt. He pulls a flask out and has a belt of booze.

[Teresa Strasser]

And well, what kind of booze does he drink?

[Adam Carolla]

White lightning.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He can keep his chants up with a single thread.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Teresa Strasser]

I really think this could be become a comic book. I'm sure some of your listeners are comic book auteurs. So maybe they can work on this superhero. Because I think the origin story is There.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it's based on a true story. All right, this is our mother of the week, Sandra Ramirez. You've probably seen this photo. It was. Made the rounds. It was all over the Internet. She was pulled over with her three year old and in the back seat were both the three year old and a can of gas. One was strapped into a car seat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And one was not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. I've had this. I've had a version of this happen with me before. So I can't. I can't judge, which is I have the double. I had the double baby stroller for quite some time. And the double baby stroller that you get with the twins. At a certain point, I was going to Uncle Jimmy's house with my boy, but my girl was staying home with my wife. And also.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, gosh, I know where this is going.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a 12 pack.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know where this is going.

[Adam Carolla]

A 12 pack of Miller Lite.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I sat my boy down on this one side of the stroller and then I took the 12 pack of Miller Lite and I tried to shove it underneath where they put the diapers. You know, there's like a ledge, it doesn't fit under, like a diaper hammock. Under. Yeah. And the retards, the insane mental patients that designed this stroller did not design it to accept a 12 pack underneath there, which is so sexist. Cans or bottles? First off, you're really limiting your audience here. So I had to put the 12 pack next to my son where my daughter was.

[Allison Rosen]

She was actually weighting down the stroller so it didn't flip.

[Adam Carolla]

But to all who saw me pushing the car, but I just got a double stroller so I could take my single son and second love booze.

[Teresa Strasser]

You buckle in the booze, like with the five point harness.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're bottles, like I said.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you buckle in the bottles, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And the boy, you know, like I said, I told him how to roll, so if we come out, I didn't bother.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, this mom, Sandra Ramirez, she claims that he rearranged himself when she got pulled over. He unbuckled and buckled his seat by himself, whatever. But the cop took a picture of it for extra shame purposes and posted it on. I think that the police, you know, the Aurora Police Department, traffic section, Facebook page.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you can judge your life and how it's going by how often a gas can and how big a part a gas can. Like, seriously, like the aforementioned Donald Trump, how much contact does he have with a gas Can.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't think he's touched one in his life.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark Cuban once a week.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there ever a situation where. Now there's. Of course, there's a sort of. I'm going out vintage auto racing, and I have a rich man version of the gas can with my 120 octane racing fuel, whatever it is. But I'm just talking about that. Back in the day, lots of. I'd get the call from the gas station, my buddy's out of gas. Do you have a gas. Do you have a gas can? Can you bring it to.

[Allison Rosen]

I was running out of gas back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a lot more. And also, I had this happen once at the. At the gas station where I ran out of gas. I walked over to the gas station. I gave the guy behind the counter, listen, my truck's out of gas. It's two blocks away. Could I borrow your gas can and could I buy a gallon of gas? And he said. He said no. Well, no, actually, he said no. And I said, well, listen. And I took. What I did is I took my circular saw. I took a $135 skill hypoid saw, and I said, look, hold this hypoid saw. And in the unlikely event that I don't come back with your 399 worth of gas can, then you have yourself $135 hypoid saw, and then you get to keep it. And he, because he ran a gas station, said no. And I was like, you don't get it. Like, I have these conversations with people all the time where you go, you should hope I don't come back. You should hope that I flee to Mexico with your $2 worth of gas can because now you will own my hypoid cell.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe this is some kind of ruse and you're doing this at gas stations across this fine land.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that, too. That's my financial plan. I go out and buy something that is 25 times the value of the thing I want to borrow and then spread them out along the land.

[Brian Bishop]

Savvy?

[Adam Carolla]

AC I have a whole carport filled with used $2 gas cans. What could I possibly be doing here other than wanting this? And now, what is that thing where you do not have the ability to assess what the reality of the situation is like? Yes, this is what I do. What I do is I take. First off, I stall my car around the block and I hide it. Like, I'll park it in a shrub and I'll put like palm fronds over It Then I get my expensive high points off and I come walking around the corner. I'll just spritz my face so it looks like I've been walking for a while, a little out of breath. Then I come there and I offer the stranger who works at the fucking Mobile in studio city my $135,030 saw so I can get his fucking $3 gas can. Oh, and by the way, pay him $2 so I can use his product in said gas can. And then I run. Then I run like a madman. You can hear me laughing as my voice trails down.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's a ring of people doing this. Obviously. Obviously it's you and OG I.

[Adam Carolla]

So I have not had to use this gas can in a while. And I think you can kind of measure. Use that as a nice yardstick to measure your life. Although this. And you ask, well, do people run out of gas anymore? They don't do it as frequently as they used to. Well, the gas gauges weren't as great as they are now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

And you don't have that thing where. Well, first off, all the bells and whistles and buzzers going off when you're getting down to it, and then also the fact that it'll say, like, you have 53 miles left. There's like a mileage, like a digital mileage thing and a red light and all that kind of stuff. But tell me if you guys can sign off on this, if you will. I was driving along in a like $73,000 supercharged Cadillac ST whatever that matt from.

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, Flush, flush.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. This is Matt d' Andrea from the Car Cash show gave me. He got me for three days. I drove the thing around for three days. Ton of car, ton of, you know, touch screen, everything. Great, great car. I was looking a little low on mileage, you know, supercharged V8, 12 miles a gallon or something. And I was looking at a thing, and at some point it said like, hey, you got 53 miles left before you run out of gas. And then at a certain point I looked again. It was like, yeah, 41 miles before you run out of gas. And then it just went to low. And they do this all the time, which is. This is the most important part. See the part where I have 333 miles range, I'm not interested in that part because guess who's not driving to San Francisco every fucking day. But the part where I have seven miles left, that's the real that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's fucking crunch time decision Is in the wrong place.

[Adam Carolla]

The rest is a preseason game. This is the fourth quarter, the Super Bowl. This is the fucking drive, you understand? Literally the drive. And I need to know what's on the clock. So it's like you're looking up at the clock through the first half, and they have all the times and all that stuff. And then you get to the fourth quarter, and it goes, you know what? Not much time left. I don't need that. I want the fucking thing. And cars do this, and I don't like it. Which is. They get you all the way down to like. Yeah, you got like 14 miles, you got 15 miles, and then they just flatline. That's the part I need. I also have them go to zero on occasion. And then I drive around looking for a gas station for 20 miles on zero. So evidently, it's not bluff. Here's what I want. And they go, well, it's hard for the. It's hard for them to calculate because of the way you drive. It's a computer, and it basically says, well, if you drive like this, then that it'll estimate. That's how much you. But then when you're out of gas, you drive like a pussy. And so you don't use as much gas. How about this? How about every single. Technologically be pretty easy to do. Every single fuel tank have a 1 gallon hopper at the bottom of it. Just whatever shape the tank is, there is exactly one gallon at the lowest point in the center. And at some point when you physically, mathematically have one gallon of gas left, it just goes smack. You got one gallon. Now, whatever that means to you, if you're driving a Honda or you're driving the Cadillac with a supercharged V8, whatever that means to you, you got a gallon. You know the car, you do the math. But it's not the. You're gonna drive around on zero for eight miles, and it's not the. You have 13, and then you drive across city and you have 17. You ever do that one, too?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you're on a hill. All right, change of the two.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had the one too, where it's like. I got in the car and it's like, all right, I got 31 miles. I'm going to Santa Monica. I can. I think I can make it. I pull down the driveway, you have 11 miles left. How big is my fucking house?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it'd be nice if there were a uniform amount. And let's face it, none of us go to the gas station when we have 1/4 left. Because that would just be safe. You got a quarter of a tank. How about you just refill it? Nobody does that.

[Adam Carolla]

One gallon. I feel as far as. If you're making cars, you're done with your responsibility. Everyone drives their own car. They know roughly the mileage they get. And one gallon, Fair warning, that's. Now it's up to you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I would agree and I would congratulate Sandra Ramirez. She's our parent of the week. She plans to sell her car and not drive again. And that is parents of the week.

[Adam Carolla]

Lauren, think we handled everything all right. Oh, we must have done our duty as parents. Those were the parents of the week. Ah, stamps.com. you want to buy and print official US postage, and you do it with your own computer. What a time we're living in. Oh, you can get postage off your. Off your own computer, but we can't figure out this whole mileage thing. You know what I mean? I'm with if stamps.com made cars.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God, What a utopia be living.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You don't have to wonder, how much is this postage? They tell you exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. They give you a scale, a digital scale, and you hook it right into your computer and capacity tells you everything. And you know exactly the postage. And then you print the postage exactly. Because even if you're close, you're never gonna be right on. And you're gonna have to use the stamp that costs more to get you if you're $0.03 short. You're still gonna have to chug on. You're gonna tack on that 42 center or whatever the hell it is with the picture. Let me say this, too. I don't like pictures of stamps with slow shit on it. Like biplanes. I like them. I want rocket ships. I don't want dead celebrities. I don't want biplanes or camels. You know what I mean? I want something that says move. Like a bullet train. Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Racer runners.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Just those lines that show that something zoomed by the stadium.

[Teresa Strasser]

Usain Bolt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I want. I want fast stuff or maybe just a lightning bolt. You know, I'm just saying they do a lot of. They do a lot of, like, old vintage aircraft and, you know, people who reverse.

[Allison Rosen]

Jenny.

[Brian Bishop]

Leisurely things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Even sometimes an eagle, which seems to be kind of soaring, but it's not really going that quickly.

[Adam Carolla]

And eagles go in a lot of circles.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want my letters.

[Allison Rosen]

They go on eagle time.

[Adam Carolla]

I want it going straight to Santa's place in the North Pole. That's who I write these days.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I know you.

[Adam Carolla]

You're never too old for that.

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So stamps.com. stamps.com. 55 bucks, free postage only. If you enter Adam, go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Adam, that is stamps.com, promo code, AD. All right, Allison Rosen, how about one more? One more story? One more story. I'll tell you guys. We're gonna be at Caroline's tomorrow through Friday. Oh, and Saturday. The fuck Friday and Saturday, June 14th through the 16th, five shows. So if you want to come out. And now we say, see how the sausage is made. But I have replaced that. Right. See how the fudges pass. Oh, yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I think Dag's gonna be there for one of those shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Dag's gonna be up on stage.

[Teresa Strasser]

I miss. Did you hear him on Fresh Air with Terry Gross?

[Allison Rosen]

We don't listen to other shows.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we never heard that, Teresa. We don't support commercial entities.

[Diane Ladd]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

How was he?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, it was amazing. If you know him, because he was doing your traditional NPR interview about being nominated for a Tony and Porgy and Bess, and then at moments, who would just slide into the Dag that we know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it was especially fun for me because her name's Terry. And of course he that. Because it's a terrible Terry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And true or false, he's made you cry on more than one occasion.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And a lot of people find this shocking. We did go out on one date.

[Adam Carolla]

One date. But he would make you cry, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, he would snore. And I didn't have good sense of humor about it. By the end, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

And what he'd do is he'd do this. He'd go, all right, like, Alison, you be Theresa. You just get ready with the news. And he'd just go. Like, he'd just go, go. No, seriously, do the news. I won't snore. Just give me the story. Go ahead. Fine. Just do it, Terry. Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. So according to a recent survey, the car you drive can reveal whether you're a Republican or a Democrat.

[Teresa Strasser]

And even physically, you've seen this. He physically would get in my space. He would physically die. He's a big guy. And he would just be in my. He would intrude my body bubble.

[Adam Carolla]

Then Teresa would stop doing the news. Then he'd go, like, I've done. I'm not gonna stop. He's like, seriously, I won't do it again.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

He was very sincere, so good actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. You can do it again. That's why he was nominated. Go ahead and start.

[Allison Rosen]

So this survey, they. You know, they asked 38,000 people who bought cars recently.

[Adam Carolla]

My favorite is what it was, his simulation of what it was like having sex with him, which is always. This is what it's like to make love to Dag. I didn't get that far on our.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't get that far on our date.

[Allison Rosen]

Where did you guys go on your date?

[Teresa Strasser]

We went to dinner and. But at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Red Lobster. Come on.

[Teresa Strasser]

No. He took me to a really fancy.

[Brian Bishop]

Place, which is now closed.

[Teresa Strasser]

Which is now closed because they had to put up some sort of landmark. Cause that happened there. But at the time, I was living in Koreatown, and a lot of my neighbors were pretty big fans of Dag, and they were really. He pulls up in a nice car, and he. He's famous. And my neighbors are still. If I run into those neighbors, they still ask me how I know him. I couldn't figure out, like, why was he here and what was he doing with me?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. But just the one date.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just the one date. Although when he would snore, I think part of the reason that he got away with the Lucy pulling the football away every time I'd fall for the I really want you to do news. Because during the commercials, he would have. We would have these, like, real conversations, like, you know, Dag, when he's not being crazy. Dag.

[Adam Carolla]

I know he's one of these guys.

[Allison Rosen]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Like, as a guy, I'm always a little mixed because I recommend Dag highly. I love Dag. I think he's wildly talented, and I love hanging out with him. We work out, we box, we talk cards. I would not wish him upon squeaky from. I really would not. He's not good enough for her. He would fucking. I would not want him. I would pull all the Manson women aside and go, listen, you guys are horrific. You've stabbed innocent people many times, but you do not deserve David Allen career.

[Teresa Strasser]

But his company is so pleasurable because he's so entertaining and so sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then he says, it's good to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to take you out for imported.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you know, I learned this on npr, that his dad was some major writer.

[Allison Rosen]

I had no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he had, like, a black like me or black rage. Or black rage. And it was, like, perfect. Like San Francisco dashiki, waterbed. Like black guys are smart because they realize, look, at most just about everything a guy does is just to get pussy, you know. And somewhere in like 1969, the black guys just took a look at their form and went, oh, wait a minute, I'm fucking black now. I'm not moving to Alabama. That's not gonna help me there. But if I move to San Francisco and I get to Dashiki and I grow my hair out, I'll fucking get laid. And then they started writing books on like black rage and black culture and stuff. Meanwhile, I think all he was doing was just banging chicks. Like that's the only that was. But I think there's a picture.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, Dag's father was like a major author. This was a very important work in its time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he'd tell the 19 year old runaway. She was fucking in hate Asbel.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But I mean, he moved. He left his fucking family in Detroit and he just moved to San Francisco and started fucking. I mean.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I didn't know he left the family.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was like an author. I think he was a psychiatrist.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a black. Your dad?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's gonna go, hey, listen, do as I say, not as I do now. I'm gonna go to San Francisco and fuck some whites.

[Teresa Strasser]

Apparently he's still around and he came to see Porgy and Bess and it was very.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, yeah, there's some issues there. I think Dag should sign up for Legal Zoom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you think he might need it after?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, with his sleep apnea problem, you never know when he's gonna go. And you gotta get a will. Cause he's got a kid now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Get your affairs in order.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta get your affairs in order.

[Teresa Strasser]

I honestly did use. I'm completely serious. I did use Legal Zoom to create a will.

[Adam Carolla]

You should. You're a parent now and you should. LegalZoom. You can do the last will, by the way. They're all pretty much the last will. No, second to last. It's the last will or the living trust. Just a few minutes on legalzoom.com you complete your will Living Trust. It protects your family, the assets and shows them you care. And they start at just 69 bucks. Accepted by courts and government agencies in all 50 states. Everybody hit it, Dawson. LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services at your direction. Save even more by typing Adam in the referral box at checkout. Take a few minutes today to protect your family. For wills, trusts and more, go to legalzoom.com. all right, so little more news. There's one more story and then we'll call it a day.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, that's not gonna snore.

[Allison Rosen]

The story that I started when Dag interrupted me is that according to a recent survey, the car you drive can reveal whether you are a Republican or a Democrat.

[Adam Carolla]

That Caddy's definitely a Republican mobile.

[Allison Rosen]

What about the one the baby fell off of? We don't know what kind of car it was.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, unclear.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna guess apolitical.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Pontiac.

[Allison Rosen]

So Republicans opt for bigger, pricier models. Democrats choose smaller, more affordable ones. Republicans accounted for 69% of convertible purchases.

[Adam Carolla]

69, dude. Yeah, dude, they knew what they were doing.

[Allison Rosen]

Democrats, 17% of convertible purchases. What's your take? What's your feeling about the convertible?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like convertibles. I don't trust convertibles.

[Allison Rosen]

Safety wise or just hair? Hair wise.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple things on this topic. I think some of it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because if you're a Republican, you cannot be seen pulling up into the country club in a Prius. In a Prius. And if you're a Democrat, you can't be seen in something other than a Prius pulling up to whatever restaurant you're pulling up to. So some of it becomes the. You have to sort of stick the party line in March to March and walk the walk and talk the talk and it's just not going to go over well to see a Democrat driving a Denali with rims on it and alone in the car, you know your friends and the people you associate with. And I would assume if you're a Republican, you're hanging around with those people and if you're a Democrat, you're hanging around with those people. So self fulfilling prophecy. Convertibles, I don't like them and I don't trust the people that drive them because I feel like you should always have just a headliner of shame over your head.

[Allison Rosen]

I think they're exhibitionist car version.

[Adam Carolla]

There's an element of look at me mixed with I don't care if you're looking at me. And it's weird to me. And as I said, the whole. The reason I've always known Sharon Stone is a bitch and nuts is because I saw her driving around in a convertible Aston Martin. Like convertible Aston Martin. So if you drive, I have really nice cars, but I never drive those really nice cars because it's. I don't want people looking at me at, at the street lights. Like when you get to the side if you pull up next to a $200,000 car, the person who pulls up next to you will go, who's driving that car? And it bothers me. Oh, there's a picture of Sharon stone and her DB7. I think it's a DB7. Yeah, convertible DB7. Now, Sharon Stone drives around, and I've seen her in Pasadena with the top down on her exotic English car. So first you look at the car from behind, from the side, from the back, and you go, oh. And then you do the who's driving that car? And then you go, oh, it's Sharon Stone driving that car. Now, Sharon Stone wants to be seen. And I don't like people that want to be seen.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, there's something twisted about that. Whether you're a celebrity or not, the convertible does not allow you that private.

[Allison Rosen]

Nose picking that you're going to need.

[Adam Carolla]

You want that cocoon where it's safe to go at your nostrils and you don't have it. The other thing is, it's funny, but I'll see people at the top, down, it's like 108 degrees. They're going through the valley, and they're stuck in traffic. It's like you see the top of their heads getting sunburnt. Shit. And I don't like that. I like it in a race car. There's a lot of convertible race cars. I have one that are cool. And there are certain cars that are almost made like. Almost like sort of born to be a convertible. And that's fine, too. But if you're a celebrity, you shouldn't be driving around in one. And usually, if you're a person that really wants a convertible, and this is. I'm carving out the people who go to San Francisco, and they're gonna go to Tiburon or Cambria or something, and they're renting a Mustang, and they go, fuck, it's a beautiful day. Let's get it. Convertible. I have it for two days. We're going over the Golden Gate Bridge with the top down.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that's a vacation. Convertible. Totally different from a lifestyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Convertible, you mean? I did that one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait. On your way to Sausalito, did you eat the clam chowder out of the sourdough bread bowl?

[Adam Carolla]

Ate it right out of his bowl, Right out his basket. Yeah, the honker of plenty. Anyway, that wasn't chowder. Anyway, got the convertible because it was fucking gorgeous. And we're out on a man date. But, yeah, Sharon Stone is nuts, because people are gonna see her. And, yeah, I Don't trust the person that drives a convertible because it means you want to be seen.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And a lot of people who have convertibles, I feel like it's the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, and it seems like a weird dream. Like, they. I always saw myself in this car, and I had to have this Mustang convertible.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's too many songs about big Cadillac convertible, going down the street, got my woman by my side, and all this stuff. And it always feels so intrusive to me. Like, people are looking at you and what you're doing, and I don't know. I'm up. I'm up in my head. I love.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, when I was 12, my dream car was a white cabriolet with a guy, a surfer in it, and a surfboard. It'd be like if now I went out and got that, which I would not.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. So what percentage. What percentage of Republicans buy convertibles?

[Allison Rosen]

69, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

They do. All right, bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. Sometimes I wear a sticker that says, how's my hair? 1-800-eat- shit.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, Bing. Bing.com. i want to thank Bing for supporting the show. I'm out on my book tour as we speak, and I get a little time to kill, so I use Bing. I hit my assistant Matt up the porcelain punisher. Thank you. Go to bing.com you punch in new York. The great thing about Bing is you go, okay, I'm hungry. So hit Bing, and I want to find out a good pizza place. Lombardi's is what came up. The oldest pizzeria in the country. And now it's on my Bing agenda. My bigenda. No way. That sounds. That sounds familiar.

[Teresa Strasser]

Like something you and Jimmy did in sausage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Bing makes the decision easy. And you can Facebook my friends. You can do it on Twitter. You can communicate with everyone. Spend less time. Less time. You don't want to spend all that time searching. And more time with Bing. So less times sitting around scratching your head, trying to find a good pizzeria in the New York City area. And a little more [e-mail] that is bing.com all right. Teresa Strasser, Exploiting My Baby. Available on Amazon. And you can Twitter her@teresastrasser. Also exploitingmybaby.com Ice T. The art of Rap. It is out in theaters June 15th. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Ice TV. Teresa Strasser, Allison Rosen, and Bo Brian saying mahalo. Here comes King Douchebag. All right, this is Adam Colisho842. Coming for our final clip today we have Adam Colishow864, Diane Ladd, Allison Rose, Brian Bishop, also from 2012, excited to meet Diane Ladd. Chinatown, everybody. Alice doesn't live here anymore. Enlightened, many shows, many movies, many everything. Good day, Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bull.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, by the way, I just jerked it to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you. Very high praise.

[Allison Rosen]

So now I'm embarrassed again.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you a couple of things. All right? First off, Alison, I'm gonna speak to you on this one because I know this, this is the kind of. Of thing that just drives you nuts. When my book came out, not Taco Bell material about three weeks ago, we were like number one on iTunes. Audio, downloadable charts.

[Allison Rosen]

That does drive me nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, it's infuriating. The thing about itunes is they're very spotty in terms of what information they give you. And when they give it to you, you sort of get it when you get it. Not much before that. So everyone said, well, look, you're gonna have to wait a month and then they'll tell you how you're doing. But lo and behold, Friday of the first week it came out, it's like, you guys are number one. And number one sold 5,000 copies. And I said, why? And they said, well, it was doing so well that they just gave us the information and all that. So I thought, oh, all right. Well, there you go. That's nice. And I know since so many of you listen to the show and download the show and like the voice of the show, that a lot of you are gonna. For some people, like when I was talking to Bill Simmons the other day, hey, Sman, listen, even though I have a voice for audio, I still like to do books the old fashioned way. I like to type them at a million miles an hour. Go past. But he said, I didn't do an audio version of my book. And there's a lot of people that don't do an audio version of their book. But for us, it's a big part of our book because people listen to the show and they're going to get the audiobook book. So I've been interested. Are you kidding? I brought my phone in, you know, I brought my phone in here. I brought my phone in here one time in my entire life. And the only reason, the only reason I ever brought it in was to read you an email off of my phone. It's my.

[Allison Rosen]

Aren't you gonna get it? It's Kevin.

[Adam Carolla]

Hench. Hey, Hench. Hench. Oh, shit. Hench. All right. Okay. See, this is why I've never brought my phone. I have certain rules, which is apparently.

[Allison Rosen]

Turn your ringer off is not one of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't bring your phone in places where you don't need it or you can't use it. And my phone has never, ever been inside of the studio. I just brought it in to finish the story I was about to tell you in the three minutes the phone rang. To be fair to Kevin Hinch, the guy I wrote the Hammer with, to be fair to him, he probably thought we were going a little bit later tonight. We're going a little bit earlier tonight. Anyway, point is this. And the reason I direct this to you, Alison Rosen, is because I know this drives you nuts. So we got this great news. Oh, man. You're number one on iTunes on the audio downloads, and you've sold a whole shitload of copies first weekend. So a week or two went by and I hadn't heard anything. So I sent an email to my editor and I said, you know, know, by the way, what's up with the audiobooks? Any new numbers? What do we got? And I got nothing back. And then when I spoke to Mike lynch, this is a week later today, I said, mike, you send anything in to Suzanne and find out what's going on with the audiobooks. How are we doing on those things? Because I know it's a substantial part of our sales that you don't get reports on. And he said, yeah, I sent an email into a week ago and I haven't heard anything back. And I said, alright. So I called up assistant Matt, the Porcelain Punisher Matt Fondelier. And I said, matt, shoot an email over to Suzanne o' Neill over there and find out if you can find out if she has anything about these audiobooks. And I get back this email forwarded to me through Matt. See below. Basically, audio department. Apparently, no new information. Nothing has been updated yet. I know how desperate Adam is to get this information. And I'm like, I hate when they say, I know how desperate Adam is. Because it seems desperate because you didn't reply to the first three emails. Do you know what I mean? Like, the first email was, FYI, how we doing on this? Then you get one, now you get another one. Fuck them.

[Allison Rosen]

You did peg this correctly. That irks the fuck out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Why does it irk us so much?

[Allison Rosen]

It irks us because. Because there is.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't mean it a trait to.

[Allison Rosen]

You which to us is something negative. And by the way, I don't think she intended it to be negative. But that doesn't sound negative. I know that you're freaking out wanting this information and staying up all night and pestering me, but that's kind of what I hear.

[Adam Carolla]

I am with you in the low self esteem and overcompensation department.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think the information is good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the other thing is, it's that thing that people do every once in a while when there's somebody behind the counter and their muscles with something and their back is half turned to you and you go, and you pull up to the hotel and you're checking in and you go excuse me and you get no response. And then you go excuse me and you get no response and you go miss. And they go, I heard you. It's like how about a little butt shake then, bitch? Like I'm not the maniac. You're not responding to what I'm saying. And now I seem like I've shouted for the third time. Like it's not. The first two exchanges didn't go like this. Excuse me just a second. Just one moment, sir. Excuse me one moment, sir. I'll be with you in a second. No, it was flatline, so I don't know if you heard. Yeah, so thus you have now prompted the third one which gets the big. I know you're desperate, but I'm not desperate. It's just my third one.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know she didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm just interested. But it makes me seem very needy and I don't know why, but when I say saw how he's desperate for this information, it just sound like I'm not. I was just very curious how it goes. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there also an element of this should be just as important to you also because you're in the same boat with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't, don't even, don't even get me started on the part where you make more money than you do selling hard copies a book, yet there's little to no interest in in it. Basically it's 20 bucks and you don't do anything versus 15 bucks and you do a lot. But they're not in that business. To me everyone should just be in the business of making money. I don't give a fuck what business you're in. Alright. And speaking of that, by the way, audible thanks to audible, they got my book audible.com for supporting the show they have over 100,000 books to choose from. I hope like 99,000 of them are mine. Awesome, man. Copies.

[Brian Bishop]

Do a different kinds of books, huh? Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

Trust me, yours is on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but you're saying there's other ones too?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, then I'll just keep nine.

[Adam Carolla]

So like 2,000 other ones and then 98,000 of mine for the purposes of this. Yes, that is all right. Yeah, yeah. In your face, book person. Ers. Yeah. Audible's offering a free audio book book, by the way, so you can try them out. Might I suggest not Taco Bell? Wait a minute. Not free Ace, man, hold on. Shoot your wad on the freebies. Do it in 50 years, we all be chicks. All right, what else we got here? So stuff to complain about? Oh, yes. And don't get me wrong, I love my editor as well. It's just. Yes, the word desperate.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a negative connotation when the first.

[Adam Carolla]

Three or two asks were ignored. Yes. All right. This is one of these things. You guys tell me if this is another thing you can identify with. And it happens to me a lot. And I realize this is kind of how people are wired. Like if somebody's at a frozen yogurt place or we figured out froyo place and they're taking a long time and you go, come on, man, just make a decision. The movie's going to start. They go, uh. And there's this weird, fucking weird wiring. Everyone has to slow down when you tell them to speed up. I don't know what it is, but I was doing a bunch of interviews today, as I'm apt to do, and a bunch of radio and a bunch of print ones. And I had a print one in between a couple of radio ones. And the print ones can start five minutes late, but the radio ones, they gotta start on time because the guys are on the air. And I'm sympathetic because I used to be on the air. That way I can dig it. They're on a clock. And I talked to a guy from Phoenix or wherever he was. Tampa, I can't remember where. I talked to him for like 20 minutes. And it was a print one. And at some point I said, I never do this, but if I have something else coming up, I say, sorry, but it's been 20 minutes and I have to call this Tampa station and they're expecting me now and so kind of have to wrap it up. And every time I've done this, I've only done it a few times, because I will fucking talk as Long as someone will listen. I'll sometimes hear their tape recorder click in the background. Oh, way longer than people will listen, stay awake, not kill themselves. But in this case, I gave the guy like 21 minutes. And then I had to call this Tampa station and I said, I'm sorry, but it's been 20 something minutes. And I do have to wrap it up because I have to call this Tampa station and I got what I get every time. Okay. Okay, just one more question, which already is kind of a. Alright, you know, I told you I had to fucking go and do this. But just the one more. And then you get the yammer and the stammer with the last one. And then you answer it. And I've had one more question. Be five parters, you know, Name your one more question. Top five infielders of all time in the modern era. Stevie Lopes say, you can't just name.

[Brian Bishop]

The big red machine.

[Adam Carolla]

Garvey. Yeah. Johnny Bench. Yeah, they'll just do that thing. And then when you're done. And this is the part that's weird. When you're done answering their very last question, you get literally the. Okay, so I. Thanks, by the way, for, you know, for taking the time. And I know you're busy and I know you have a lot of other things. And I'm like, fucking hang up. Fucking hang up. Is there. Do you have a vendetta against the guy on the Tampa station? Like, do you fucking hate that guy? Do you hate fucking floor wax his ass or something? You fuck that guy. I'm gonna fuck that guy shit up. And it's like this weird, like. And I know there's a lot of places you could be and you're in demand, so I appreciate you taking some time out and I'm just gonna read.

[Allison Rosen]

Back to you all your answers to.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure they sound right and speaking, you know, to me. And it's like, come on, buddy. What are you, somebody? Is there a guy in a beret with, like, riding boots on and those kind of director's pants going, stretch it, stretch it out, stretch it out. I told you six minutes ago, I gotta call another radio station. I don't want to be. I don't want to, like, hang up in the middle of your. I know you have a lot of choices when it comes to doing print, but I'm tempted just to hang up because I know we're done. The last question part. Fine, squeeze in last. Go real quick. Boom. And then go, thank you for your time. And then, like, hang up. But what's the stammer and the yammer at the end. And I know humans are wired that way, but why? Why are we wired that way? Why when the person just said, hey, I'm in a hurry, do you go, all right, let me get my ether rag out? Hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I was a journalist for years and I did phone interviews and I'm trying to think if I ever did that and why I would do that. There is this sense of like, when they only give you a certain amount of time, you believe that they probably have more time than they're giving you. And you have to think, well, they.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn'T built up against the publicist that they didn't have. They didn't have.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. So, yeah, because you had said, why you have to call. Yeah, no, I think that guy was just an asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

But he's not being an asshole. He's doing what people sort of naturally do, which is I can't get my brain out in front of my feet kind of thing. Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like the pressure was making him, was tripping him up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, I don't know how to end this thing.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a fundamental difference between, like writers and radio people who, like, the radio people are clock, clock, clock, you know, it's beating into them from a young radio age, whereas the writers, like, it's all about thinking things out, pre planning, writing it out, fleshing it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Like there's nothing and getting as much as they can.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, there's not that internal clock ticking all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy, did I have a Sophie's Choice today, by the way. So I was having uncomfortable conversation with my dad about why I'm canceling his show.

[Brian Bishop]

Just say conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. An uncomfortable conversation with my dad. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Canceling it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, mainly, you know, it's hard to teach 80 something year old people stuff or 80 year old guys stuff, but I'm doing it more on principle than I am on anything else. I've always felt like my dad has just copped a plea of incompetence his whole life, so people kind of leave him alone and he doesn't, you know, you know, he, he doesn't do anything. And you know, it's like I said, I told him the show was costing me money. He never said how much. He just said, all right. And then he went on another six months. And then I told him, hey, you got to do the show and you got to ask for money now to try to make it whole because I'm losing money. And he like said to me today, he said, Yeah, I don't know how to do that. Like, I don't know what you want me to do, you know? And I said, dad, you communicate for a living. If you really think about it, you convey ideas for a living. And he said, yes, okay, convey this idea to your audience. If I had a script or something, he said. I said, really? You need a script to basically convey the notion that you need money to do your show. And if people want to donate, they can donate. And I said, dad, you're not interested in it. There are things you're interested in. It's become a little bit of an obsession in my life of. I'm convinced that everyone is good at the stuff they're interested in and mysteriously retarded when they're not interested. I've said it a million times as it pertains to my wife and Bruce Springsteen or my dad and his trumpet. They're fucking. They're savants when it comes to the shit they're into. And then when they're not into it, there's a lot of, huh, what? I don't remember that. And everyone is that way to a degree. But there's something called maturity. And when you're mature, you have to kind of be interested in shit you're just not interested in.

[Allison Rosen]

That's everyone's job.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. People go to work, and that's the way it works. Except for you guys.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys are fucking lovely other people.

[Adam Carolla]

So we're getting into this sort of semi philosophical, kind of gotta let you go conversation. And there's a call on the other line and it's Seth McVar. And I thought, I really want to talk to Seth MacFarlane. He's the antithesis of my dad. He's like, hey, I'm going to go out and do a whole bunch of shit at once. And the other part. But I'm knee deep in this, you know, it's almost like we're breaking up. And I realized. And also, McFarlane's one of these guys where if you go, I'll call you back in 10 minutes, that may be it for the next 10 days.

[Allison Rosen]

But he has you right where he wants you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I know. And I'm so. I just can't believe how much success his movie Ted has had. And it's made like $150 million.

[Brian Bishop]

Footnote. Are 10 of those dollars yours? Have you seen Ted yet? No, no, I just saw yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I saw it. I mean.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's right. You saw the pre.

[Adam Carolla]

The book already. Yeah, I saw it in the friends and family, whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that a. Mentioned in it?

[Adam Carolla]

Talk about it in a sense, second. But I feel like I'm a part of it in the sense the kind of part that makes no difference. Like if it was a machine and the part didn't belong in that machine, so it stayed in its box and nobody cared. That kind of part.

[Allison Rosen]

But the part didn't mess up the machine. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Decoration.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I spoke to him months ago when he was getting ready to go to Boston with Mark Wahlberg, and we're talking about him directing and we're talking about the process. And then when he was editing, we were kind of going through. Through all the steps of it. And, you know, as I told him today, I did get off the phone with him and talk to my dad, unfortunately. But I was able to get hold of him 10 minutes later. This is the kind of movie. Here's the way this town works. The way this town works is you wrote, you co star in, and you direct this movie, and it's a big budget and it's your first movie movie, and if it blows up on the launching pad, you never get to do another movie as long as you live. That's the way it works. If you're a star and you open a movie, so to speak, or you do your first starring role in a movie and the movie flops, you never get to star in another movie. Not a leading man. He plays the neighbor buddy. End of discussion. That's that. And same with director, writer, whatever. And this movie was so out there and so crazy conceptually. And we were talking about before it came out, this is kind of movie that if it did nothing at the box office, you wouldn't be surprised. And if it did everything at the box office, you wouldn't be surprised. It was a crazy conceptual movie. And I said to him, not in a condescending way, but when I realized how much money, I went fucking thank Christ for stoners, because stoners will see a movie on a fucking Friday and see it again on Sunday because they're.

[Allison Rosen]

Stoned for the first time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like they literally forgot number two. You can't. You know how I talk about, like, kids movies and kids books and how easy it is to turn a dime? Forget about that. Stoner movies, not movies about stoners. Movies for stoners. How much of that money's repeat business? How many of that money. How much of that weekend, that huge first weekend, is stoners going out on a Friday, seeing it, and then getting their stoner Roommates to come back with them and get even higher to following them. They're super loyal and they don't mind repetition.

[Brian Bishop]

Somewhere between 4 and 20%.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh 4, 20. I got you. So we're having a nice conversation about the fact that if this didn't go anywhere, you wouldn't be able to do another movie. And now this has been an incredible success. And thus you'll get to do. Not only do you get to do more movies, you can do 15 shitty movies in a row. And at some point on that 15 movie horrible, 15 movie run, someone will go, you know, Ted Returns wasn't that bad. That'll be movie six. And you can still just keep going. And that's the truth. And that's the way it goes for good or for bad. And as we were talking, I said, you know, the movie's still the movie. The movie's a good movie and it's still what it is. It could have opened up and been very disappointing at the box office or it could have been a bonanza, which it was. Which wouldn't change movie. The product would be exactly the same. The only difference is people would hang their head when they talked about it. And you'd never get to make another movie versus back up the Brinks truck and make as many movies as you want. And as I told him, it was such a crazy concept that no one can do the. Well, the last movie you made was like romantic comedy, cookie cutter, whatever. And that did really well. This next one, it's too high concept. This is a crazy high concept movie. And so you get to do whatever you want for as long as you want to do it. Yes, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I'm agreeing with you. Sorry, it's nodding my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you stoned?

[Brian Bishop]

I was not.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you enjoy it?

[Brian Bishop]

I did enjoy it. It was. I was everything you'd expect out of a Seth MacFarlane movie. And I mean that in a very complimentary way. It was everything you'd Hope this Seth McFarlane movie would be. The random jokes, right? The aside, the sort of Family Guy style flashbacks to weird moments. It was all very funny. I like the cameos. Love the cameos.

[Adam Carolla]

So he will be on this program anytime we to want. Although according to his publicist, he's not available in the month of July. The great thing about publicist is if you can actually know the person, you can go right around them. And so he said, I'll come in anytime and we'll work on that. We'll talk all about it. All right. What else to Complain about. Should we do some tales from the cheap?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

20 year old Tupperware, homemade clothes, powdered eggs. It's time for tales from the Cheek. All right, let's hop to the phones. We'll start at the top and actually we'll go down because the first guy's name is Axe, and I don't want to speak to a guy who smells like that. Art?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yes. How you doing, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Tales from the cheap. What's going on? That's the greatest story I have ever heard. I missed him.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Hi, Allison. Hi, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Hi.

[Caller (Various Names)]

I'm actually from San Antonio, so I will be seeing you guys on Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah, so I'll be at. I'm actually visiting Orange county right now, so I'm in your area having a great time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good times. Hey, hold on, Art. I don't know what's wrong with everyone's connection. That is the greatest story I have ever heard. Let me say this, this fun exchange with Mike lynch to today. I said, look, people have been tweeting us some great barbecue joints because we're driving from Houston to San Antonio. And that's my whole thing, which is, if we're going to be out on the road, let's fucking hit every great barbecue joint in the country. And then you can go, oh, that place is better than this place, you know, and that's what we've been doing. And I said to Mike, I said, yeah, well, it looks like we're driving from Houston to San Antonio, and people have been tweeting us all kinds of places, places to stop on the way. So you're going to enjoy that. And he said, I'm meeting you in San Antonio. And I said, oh, you're not going to be with us in Houston. And he said, no, that's you and Dennis Prager. I'll meet you in San Antonio. And I said, all right, well, don't worry, I'll grab you something. And whatever barbecue place we stop at, I'll grab you a sandwich or some brisket or something. You can enjoy it when we pull into San Antonio. And he went, I'm good. And I said, yeah, you don't want some good barbecue? And he. He said, I'm fine. I don't need it. Don't worry about it. And I said, mike, did you just eat? And he said, yeah. I said, this sounds like a guy who just ate. I said, don't worry, you'll be hungry by Friday. And he said, you're probably right, but it is great how your mind works. You just Ate a fucking bowl of pasta. There's that thing when you just eat where you go, I'll fuck it. Never, right? I don't need to eat again. You're going to go, we're gonna go on a transatlantic voyage. I'm gonna have water, provisions. No, no, I'm good. Like, thank God they didn't ask all those fucking sailors. Like, thank God they just didn't eat at a buffet. Cause none of them wouldn't have packed food. Mike was like, no, no. I'm like, well, I'll get you whatever the barbecue special sandwich is. The famous sandwich from the place. I'll just bring that with me. I'm all right. This is not the Michael Lynch I know.

[Brian Bishop]

As long as we're on the topic, we should acknowledge lynch lynch as the reigning champion of.

[Adam Carolla]

But speaking of tales from the cheap, I then realized that it was going to be free when it arrived in San Antonio. And I said, bring it on. But you know how I always tell you I know everything without knowing anything. Why did I say, did you just eat? Yeah. It couldn't have been five minutes.

[Brian Bishop]

You had any stains on a shirt?

[Adam Carolla]

He had no. I was on the phone with him. He had no. There was no sense of urgency at all. There was just like, you don't need to pick up anything. And I immediately went, what? Free barbecue? What's up? That's not the Lynch I know. And I said, did you eat? And he said, yeah. So that's again, one of my. I know I never stopped blowing air up my own ass. But if you're tuned in, everybody, if you're tuned in, you will get all the answers you need. I knew my questions, like, did you just eat? If somebody would have. If I would have hung up on him and somebody said, you're stopping at kfc. Want to grab something for Mike? I would have said, nah. Even if he didn't say it, I would have said, he's just ate. I can tell. I just talked to a man who just ate. Not to shit on your point, but did you just eat? As question to me, usually that's a pretty low pressure. It was the daylight hours. That's true. That's a good point. Good point. All right. No, I mean, to be fair to everybody, it was a little. I don't know, it was like 2:30 or 3. Was it not exactly lunch and it wasn't exactly dinner. There's a nice sweet spot in there. But he just finished off some pasta anyway. He rethought his. Or rethunk his Attitude about barbecue. Yeah. And then said he was in. All right, now, where were we? Art.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah. How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

You want some barbecue?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah. I know a great place. If you want to go. I'd be more than happy to take you.

[Adam Carolla]

What's it called?

[Caller (Various Names)]

It's called the Salt Lick.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the Salt Lick. Yeah. That's what everyone's been tweeting. Go the Salt Lake.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah. I'd be more than happy to take you guys out there if you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we can find it, but you can meet us there if you like.

[Allison Rosen]

He won't acknowledge you, but you could meet him there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be the short, heavyset black man. Make sure and say hi with the sunglasses and beard. That's right.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, buddy? You have a question? Oh, yeah. Your dad tails from the cheap?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Well, actually, he's my stepdaddy. He's a jerk. Well, when. When my mom and him got married, we had, like, a total of, like, six, seven kids that we were sort of sharing the house with. And, you know, we're on. We're on food stamps. Poor, you know. You know how it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Caller (Various Names)]

And they would buy in bulk at the beginning of the month, and they would buy, like, six or seven gallons of milk, you know, or more. I don't remember exactly. But, you know, as the month went.

[Adam Carolla]

On, Michael Lynch's dad and mom would buy six or seven sacks of milk.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Well, we had powdered milk, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I want to say this honestly, and I mean it. If you are buying powdered milk, just fucking drop your kids off at the firehouse. You cannot parent. There is a cutoff line for parenting, and that's called powdered milk. Like, if you literally cannot put milk.

[Allison Rosen]

If powdered milk comes out of your breast.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. I think that means you're either really old or possibly dead. But the point is, if you can't get milk, if milk is too tall in order for your kid, and I'm not talking about parts of, you know, Biafra. I'm just talking about if you're living in the United States and you can't. Milk is too fucking rich for your blood. Please fucking come on the tits, would you? For the love of Christ. And powdered milk is one of those things that doesn't. They're powdered versions of things that actually sort of work. Milk is not one of them. I don't even know why they bother with powdered milk. I honestly would rather have tap water than powdered milk. I can speak directly to powdered eggs being awful as well. No. Yes. It's really. It's like being in the military without any college fund without the free medical indebted. Jesus Christ. Powdered eggs, Art.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah, it sucks, too.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. All right, sorry. Where were we?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Well, so sometimes we wouldn't use all that milk. We would have to use a powdered milk during the weeks, whatever. And as the gallons of milk would go bad, my stepfather would freeze them and on weekends he would thaw them and make like. Either like hot cereal, like oatmeal, or he would make us use the rotten milk for cold cereal and hot cereal.

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a being. He's horrible. I hope he's dead. Here's. Let me tell you something. Being poor is such a fucking calorie burner. People have no idea. I talk about it all the time. First off, you're buying £200 worth of milk at a time. You have to get a pallet jack, you have to freeze shit, you have to thaw shit. You have to start stepping on milk with powdered milk and cutting it with baby laxative. All these little tricks and traits and everything just turn into huge. If you took a poor person and you said, look, we're going to take your life, we're going to turn it into a pie chart. The blue will represent enjoyment, satisfaction, leisure, your fun satisfaction with your family and time well spent. And then the red will represent all this sort of bullshit of waiting in line to get a free spaghetti meal over at the church or lugging in the, you know, driving an extra hour one direction to get gas that's 8 cents a gallon cheaper and then driving another hour out of the way to get the cheap powdered milk and then waiting in line for the government cheese, like if you fucking took that, it'd just be enveloped in red. You spend your fucking life trying to save a nickel. And I know everyone's going, oh, yeah, there's people out there, they don't have money. I understand that, but let me say something. Once you go into that fucking save a nickel mode, it's hard to be in earn a buck mode. Get the fuck in earn a buck mode. And out of save a nickel mode. I come from a whole group of fucking lovable losers who are in constantly in saving nickel mode. And they have brain cells to rub together and educations, but they were so worried about squirreling away their shit, they never went out and got some. And it drives me insane, and I hate to see people do it, because once you shift into that mode, you're in that mode. You're just in conservation mode to that.

[Brian Bishop]

Point you get so deep into it that you, like you said, burn so many calories, you never have a chance to look up and say, I'm expending an awful lot of effort saving a few pennies, and I could be spending just the same amount of effort and probably making a few bucks.

[Allison Rosen]

And the whole thing is surrounded by so much anxiety, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And fear and what about. And then there's the, you know, if you think about all the fucking friction, you know what I mean? Like, who left the light on in the living room? You know, all the shit that costs. You say that, though. I say it, yeah. Except for A, I don't freak out over it, and B, are you kidding me? I have that shit going on, like times. Times a million. Like, you know, I have my. My wife's like, oh, two years in a row. We bought your nephews the hundred dollar Amazon gift certificates. And I think your sister erased them, so I don't even. I don't even think she got them. And I'm like, two years in a row, huh? Yeah. Three of them. Yeah. Yeah. Did I pay for those? Oh, I don't know. Don't you think we could check, I guess. We're not talking about leaving the life.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not paying for this information, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about throwing hundreds of dollars out of the fucking window. Shit. That's the mode I've just realized. And I've realized it and I understand it. It's exactly what I told my dad. My dad doesn't give a fuck whether his show makes money or not, because it's not his money that he's spending. If he's spending the money, then he gives a shit. If he doesn't spend his money, then he doesn't give a fuck. He's not a bad guy. He's a human being. And it takes a lot of character to care when it's not your money. And people ain't wired that way. And that's why I ain't into the big government system, because I realize, Lynette, not a bad person. My dad, not a bad person. When the money, when they. They don't feel it come out of their pocket. Out of sight, out of mind. That's how people are wired. And that's how you'll react. And you'll do it in a micro or macro version. You could get one of my dads, or God forbid, you get several million of my dads and you'd have the exact same result, which is. I ain't thinking about it. It ain't mine. I ain't paying for it. It's the you don't leave your own porch light on, but you'll walk past your work porch light that'll be on every fucking day for a thousand years and you'll not flip it it off. Takes a certain breed of cat to do that. His name is Ace, okay? Where I just know human nature. That's my fucking curse. And I understand how disappointing most people are in that department. In the character department. Keith.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yo, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Keith?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Wow. I've been listening to you since like 96, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, man. Wow. Thank you. Do you have my book?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Oh, absolutely, yeah. Working on it right now.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean? Oh, you're working. You're reading it? What chapter are you up to?

[Caller (Various Names)]

I just finished the Ray chapter. I was dying at work reading it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray chapter. Idea that there's a Ray chapter anywhere is sad. I know. All right, sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

A support crew for kids he bullied back in high school. The Ray chapter. Thanks again for coming to me. Three chapter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ray only bullied the healthy and the strong and the able bodied. He bullied me, basically. He didn't bully the kids that needed to be bullied. As a matter of fact, he was used as a detachment, as a protective measure against kids that were being bullied. Teachers would get hold of Ray and tell him to look out for this kid because this kid was being bullied. And Ray would look out for those kids.

[Brian Bishop]

Like an animalistic Robin Hood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what it is. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's kind of sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Sorry, Keith. Go ahead.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Alright. So my dad, he's notoriously cheap, but my past birthday, this past February, he really went over the top. He gave me a. An adjustable wrench that fell out of the back of a pickup truck. And he picked it up and he gave it to me as a birthday gift.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Now we talk in monkey wrench variety or crescent wrench variety?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Crescent wrench. The one with the little spiral thing on your thumb for your thumb.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm well aware of what crescent wrench looks like, Keith, thank you very much. Yes. Yes. How dare you.

[Caller (Various Names)]

But no. This is a weird one, though. I was. I was wondering if you could help me out because the handle is like a joke giant spike, like something that you'd kill a vampire with. I have no idea what this thing is. Well, obviously all beat up.

[Adam Carolla]

I can attempt to tell you what it is or we can get Matt the porcelain punisher to come in here and give you an exact detail. No, I'm just kidding. Because the man never heard of a sawhorse or an allen wrench. Crescent wrenches. And we'll find a picture and you guys back me up. Now, I've never done this work, but I have some such a vast knowledge of tools. Crescent wrenches that come to a point are for steel workers. And the reason the adjustable wrench comes to a point is when the steelworkers are lining up those big girders, they're putting them in line and they're getting them off the crane and they're trying to lower them in place. They have holes in them, and those holes don't line up exactly. They're off a little. So the thing has a point on it. And they push it in, and then it's graduated, it gets wider. And as they slide it in, they pull it down and it lines up. And the reason they have the adjustable wrench, then they put the bolt through it and they tighten it up with the wrench end. You're looking at one right now. That's a steelworker's adjustable wrench.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Oh, okay. You kind of use it like an awl.

[Adam Carolla]

You use it like an awl. That's right. Awl. But not. This is amazing. Yeah. Awl's for more punching holes. And this. Yeah, this is for lining up big steel I beams and girt.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Well, I don't work on steel, and I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no shit, Sherlock. Or as my sister said to me once when I was 12, no shit, dick Tracy. That's good. But you screwed up the whole alliteration thing. That was the whole. All right. Yeah. Anyway, Dick. All right, Keith. Yeah. Your dad got you a wrench that fell off a tree.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Give him a little. I still give him some credit for giving you a wrench.

[Caller (Various Names)]

At least it was a tool, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What do you do for a living, Keith?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Well, I'm an aircraft mechanic. I guess he figures any tool can go on a Blackhawk helicopter. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah. That is a weird. That would be a very weird tool to use around an aircraft. I don't think they'd want you using that one around there, but. Yeah, it is great.

[Caller (Various Names)]

I thought the.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to kill a vampire while you're tightening a hex head screw. Thanks, buddy.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Hey. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You work on Blackhawks?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. What do you do on them?

[Caller (Various Names)]

I'm just a general mechanic.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't know what that wrench was for. Huh?

[Caller (Various Names)]

No, no, I'm not a steel worker.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know.

[Caller (Various Names)]

I mean, I can use it. I can use it to line up the blades because it's like a clevis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm not.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Go into the hub, so I can use it for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not. Yeah, that's what you'd use it for. That's what you'd use it for. All right. And that's again, I'm not a steel worker either, but it's cool. Yeah. They poke them through the hole, and then they line it up and shove it through, and it gets everything lined up. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Line five sounds possibly perverted and needlessly elaborate.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, line five it shall be. Jared.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Hey, Ace, man, what's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Jared, big fan. Big fan of yours. What's up?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yep. Well, I have a story about my parents being cheap. They've always been pretty fantastic at taking me on some awesome summer vacations, camping all over the US but not too bad. Yeah, not too bad. When I was about 10, we were camping near the Badlands, and at this particular campground, they charged us. I think it was a dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. Where are the Badlands? Is that where Bruce Springsteen hangs out?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Nebraska, South Dakota. I think somewhere around there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller (Various Names)]

And at this campground, they charged a.

[Adam Carolla]

Dollar to use the shower for, like, five minutes.

[Caller (Various Names)]

So my parents and their cheap wisdom paired everyone together. My twin brothers were paired together. My sister and my mom were paired, and then I was paired with my.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad, all in the name of.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Of saving $3.

[Adam Carolla]

I love a cheap Chinese fire drill. And I'll tell you, my version of it is back in the day when I only lived in apartments. And of course, going to the car wash was way too rich for my blood. Another one of those great examples of. Thanks, Jared. That's cheap and perverted. You're right. Another great example. Look, car wash is seven bucks today, nine bucks today. You know, Thursday. Look at the $5 special or whatever it is. But I would go to the coin op1, and the coin op1 is $3.75. But you do everything yourself.

[Brian Bishop]

They turn the water on for you. Yeah, you turn on the shame.

[Adam Carolla]

And first thing you have to do is you have to go get change for $4 in quarters. You know, I have to feed and God knows what kind of fucking element you're going to run into. The scariest dude on the planet is the dude who lives in the weird little apartment above the coin op. You want to talk about the shittiest places in the world to live. There's the little apartment above the liquor store you see on occasion. But at least that's above.

[Brian Bishop]

That's mine.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's above a liquor store. Like, look, you're never going to run out of smokes or six pack. They're just fucking literally beneath you. The guy who lives, they'll have those coin op laundries. They're made of cinder block. And on top is the little, little guy with the hot plate up there makes the change and keeps the detergent filled and all that shit. So you go in there, you make all your change, you feed all the fucking quarters in. You're spraying your car. And the Chinese fire drill comes with the vacuum. They got the big vacuum out back and you'll feed a buck into that. And you feed the four quarters in. It goes on for like 50 seconds. And you're doing the thing, you're going to do the driver's side and then you do this real quick run where you slide across the hood and go back because it's gonna stop. The way they work it is you can do three quarters of your car before it ends. They've worked it out that you will not be standing around and go, what shall I do with this sucking device? While it's still sucking. It's just your hand. You're getting in the seat as fast. And then you go around the back of the thing and it's like, why put all that fucking pressure yourself? By the time. First off, it's an entire Saturday you fucking spend with. And you're bringing your own shit like you're bringing your own rags and you're bringing your own Armor all and whatever other shit. Fucking car wash. It's not $35, it's $6. And this is not. They pay you $8. This is $4. It is literally, it's, you know, I'll be generous. It's a $5 difference. $5? Isn't that worth an afternoon for you? Again, one of the many examples of how cheap and people. Like I said, whoa, Ace, man, not everybody. No, no, people have that money. They're just wired cheaply. And that's where they're at. It's not about the $4 that you actually save.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you remember one of our very first appearances for the morning show back in 06?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. Coin up, coin up.

[Brian Bishop]

Car wash on Melrose Avenue.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember it? Well, it was hot. All right. Somebody's parents bought them used car wash to recarpet the house. Oh, that's the other Thing. You can't throw away anything when you're poor. Oh. Every fucking sofa at our house has had a sheet on it because it was someone else's sofa. Axe.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Hey, Adam. Hey. It's Axes and guitar player. Not as in deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand.

[Caller (Various Names)]

A couple weeks ago, I was on Adamcroeller.com and clicked the Yahoo and ordered your new book.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Do you have any black friends who know you as Ask?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Several, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

It makes sense.

[Brian Bishop]

Your finest moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I'd like you to meet my friend Ask.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry, what's your name?

[Adam Carolla]

Ask. His name is Ask.

[Diane Ladd]

Ask.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he said his name was, actually. But that's what I said he said his name was Ask.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Axe.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I said. Ax.

[Allison Rosen]

Axe.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what he's saying.

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's saying Axe, and you're saying Ax.

[Brian Bishop]

It's actually Terry.

[Adam Carolla]

My people don't normally listen to this type of music, but it's like that Morrissey song. Ax me, Ax me, Ax me. Oh, yeah, you got a lot of range there, buddy. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen to Morrissey hanging out with a white guy named Axe.

[Adam Carolla]

There's one black guy who listens to Morse. Axe.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Anyway, I got your book, and on about page three, I read a line that brought to the surface of old suppressed memories.

[Adam Carolla]

Great story. Which was what?

[Caller (Various Names)]

I believe yours. Your grandfather that wanted to build a deck, so he bought the lumber from a purifier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, my grandfather bought used wood to build the deck on my mom's house, which was his house, but they had to let my mom rot there. I was going to say live there, but he let them rot there. And she's still rotting there with no air conditioning and a fucking driveway from the 40s that's buckling. And he decided it's time to build a new deck. But instead of buying new lumber like a normal human being, he bought used lumber from a pier fire that was either burnt, charred, waterlogged, propellered, or crowned, as we like to say in the business, and. Or covered with termites. So then when we added on this new porch, and it was a big porch, it was all uneven. You trip on it, it looked like shit, and it was never good. And then we lived with it for 15 years until finally my stepdad and his dad from Texas came out, tore it all down and built a real porch with real lumber and real wood, like a normal family would do. So. So my grandfather saved $200, but we lived with this fucking dangerous eyesore for 15 years.

[Allison Rosen]

What does crowned mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Bent. Like, you know, bent, twisted. What have you.

[Brian Bishop]

What's a purifier?

[Adam Carolla]

Air purifier.

[Brian Bishop]

Water purifier. What's a purifier?

[Adam Carolla]

Why'd I say purifier? Purifier. Oh, yeah. Purifier, Purifier. A pure. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I said axe the next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead, axe.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Anyway, that reminded me of mid mid 70s. I was probably 7 or 8 years old. My parents decided it was time to reparpet a house similar that picture that you put in your book. Two bedrooms, one bath, zero hope. And several Saturdays in a row, we went up to Dalton, Georgia. A lot of carpet mills there. Look at all this new carpet. And I love going up there, looking around. And they announced. They announced one weekend. All right, we're going to pick up the new carpet. Great, let's go. We got in the car and went to somebody's house. Not back up to the carpet mill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. New to you. Carpet. Yeah.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You people are ready.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Found some ad in the paper where somebody's ripping their carpet out and deciding to sell it. And it was way probably three times as far footage of the house we were living.

[Adam Carolla]

Sell it.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Much worse if you try to sell used carpet or if you want to buy used carpet. I haven't figured that one out.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But again, it's just all these stories bother me because I wish there's more of a correlation to money. Like, I was poor my entire life, very poor my entire life, but I never lived cheaply. Like I, you know, if I ordered a pizza, I would order a topping that I enjoyed on it and not worry about the extra buck 75 they charged. You know, I would once in a while go out and treat myself to a nice steak or a nice meal. I probably averaged from high school to the time I met Jimmy Kimmel at age 30, I probably averaged about $310 a week or something like that. I'm rounding up somewhere between 7 bucks on the low end and 15 bucks on the high end. But if it came time to buy a baseball mitt, I would get a leather one and not a vinyl1 for $11. You know, I would get a slightly better. I would treat myself to a decent whatever. Fill in the blank when you took.

[Allison Rosen]

Girls out on dates. How'd that go?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what I used to do. Yeah, what I used to do is I would go a couple things. Well, first off, it's never good because I had the Pickup truck with the bed box and the lumber rack on it. It wasn't like, you know, Brian drives a decent pickup truck. This is a mini pickup truck. Piece of shit. You know, like my first one Nissan from back in the day. Yeah. So that was never a good thing. What I would do is I would save my money and go to a decent restaurant. The other thing I would do is I worked for a guy named Ron and Ron Braun, who's passed away now. And he was a great guy and he was gay and had his partner and they had a restaurant called Muse in West la, which is a really trendy, really great place that all the cool people went to. And I could never afford it, but I would go to Ron and I used to build custom furniture for Ron and do work on his house, by the way. That's when I fell in love with the gay lifestyle because I was like, I'd go to Ron's house and he'd be like, I need you to build me a bed. And I'd be like, all right. And I need you to build my partner John a bed. And I'd be like, where's his room? It's over there. And I'm like, oh, you guys have separate rooms? Yeah. And I'd be like, oh, I like that. Feels good. Take separate vacations. Uh huh. And I thought, you know what, maybe I suck some cat. You know, man, it's never too late to get started. Yeah. So no beautiful house on in west la? Impeccable, you know, beautiful, modern, you know, just all the cool stuff and no fucking kids running around shit everywhere. Muse was on Beverly. Oh, it's gone now in. Yes, in between, like La Brea. And I never saw whatever. No, it was there for a while and it was really hot, it was really trendy and really cool and I couldn't afford to go in there and have a fucking Diet Sprite. But Ron and I were friends and I worked for Ron. So I would say to Ron, hey man, I'm gonna build. What do you want me to build? And he'd have stuff at the restaurant booths he needed lowered and tables made and cash registered drawers and shit and all this. He owned a restaurant and a really nice house. So I would go over there and I'd say, ron, I'll work here for the day. And I'd work there for the day and I'd say, tonight I'm coming back with my new lady friend. And you know, it's on the house and we need to be treated right, you know, and he was like, yeah, sure. Like, no, he didn't. Now, thinking back on it, he didn't give a shit because I'd worked the entire day over there, and I did it, you know, sort of penny for penny, which is like, you know, it's 120 bucks to get me to do carpentry for eight hours, and I'll do 120 bucks worth of food. And now, looking back on it, like I said, I don't think he gave a shit, because he was like, it's eight bucks worth of food to me. And then I'd show up in this super trendy, hip Hollywood place, and the owner would come by and go, hey, Adam, so glad. Come on, sit down. We got a booth for you. And then order the drinks and do the whole thing. And then when we were done, it'd be like, on the house, but. And then I'd look cool, and then I'd go home and beat off. Yeah. Somehow getting back into the truck with the fuel kill switch and spray paint.

[Allison Rosen]

Erase the memory of the great meal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the spray paint on the. On the stereo kind of. I don't know if it totally erased it, but if it was an Etch A Sketch, it would have been two good shakes. Chunk. Chunk.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Not much left after that. All right, last question here. Line two. Zeb.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Zeb?

[Caller (Various Names)]

Hey, In Seattle, it was a great show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, do I love Seattle.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn, do I love that place.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Me too. So basically, my dad and stepmom are super cheap. They make plenty of money, but every year they come up with something stupid for our birthdays.

[Adam Carolla]

And one year, their elderly neighbor had.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Passed away, and they got permission from the guy's family to go kind of plunder the guy's house and take what they wanted. And so that year, for my birthday, I got a. Got this broken down lamp with a bow on it. And yeah, it was pretty crappy, and they said it was for photography, so I could do my photography stuff and do a lamp.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, here's the thing I don't like about cheap. And my fam is this way too. Half of it is cheap and half of it is, I don't want to give anything I got to you. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's a mindset. That's what pissed me off. I mean, that's why I canceled my dad's show. It wasn't so much like, oh, I can't afford the 80 bucks a month it cost me. It's that I said, this is costing me money. And he didn't go, how much? He just went, went, all right. And then he just kept going ahead. And then six months later I said, hey, you got to ask for money because this has cost me money. He never said, what's it costing you? Let's figure this out and let's see if we can make it work. It was just like, eh. And it's that element of. It's not cheapness. The thing about cheap is everyone thinks, well, it's just an umbrella of no money that covers everything. It's not that that it's no money meets a way of going through life and a way of looking at yourself and a way of looking and a sort of selfishness. Like when people are cheap with their kids. Part of it is we don't have a bunch of money. But the other part is you're not getting anything. Like, this is my shit. I mean, when it comes to being a parent, it's about giving of your time and giving of your money. Look, we're all born with this mentality of I have a bowl of M and Ms. And I'm eating all of them. And then somebody comes around and goes, could I have an M and M? And you go, your impulse is, fuck off, I'm eating all of them. But at a certain point you do that. Well, I guess if I didn't have any M and Ms, I would want somebody to give me an M and M. And you kind of get. And then you get in that thing where it's like, well, these are my kids and I'm responsible for their M and M. But there's a lot of parents that still just give you one or half of one and they got enough. It's more of a mindset than it is an actual. We have no M and Ms. Now you got M and Ms. You want to keep them?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that was my question. Is it a fear based kind of thing because we can't go out and get more M and Ms? Or is it a, this will build character in my children or is it the first rationalized second?

[Adam Carolla]

First off, the this will build character in my children. That would suggest that you're thinking about your kids, you're thinking about your M&Ms. And I know it. As a parent I do understand. I mean as a human being, I do have that thing where it's like, hey man, I got my shit and I don't feel like giving my shit to you. But you kind of realize you kind of need to do it. That's part of life. We all have to struggle with that. Like I said, it's easy to sit back and talk, but when you're asked to hand out the M and Ms, it gets harder. All right. Yes. Now I'm hungry. Go to my PC. Love me some. Go to my PC. You know why? They give us M and Ms. And then I share them.

[Allison Rosen]

Not just for Halloween, but year round.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm, yeah, that's right. Or what is that? Horrible candy. Nerds. Who the hell eats?

[Allison Rosen]

You hate the people and the candy.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate nerds and nerds. Yeah, except for the nerds that go to my PC. Nerds. Or as Michael from Go to my C. PC likes to be known as the fourth Catelyn Brother. Stopped on the street.

[Brian Bishop]

Another lifestyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking loves it. All right, we'll take a quick break. Diane Ladd next this week on For Crying out loud, Craig Shoemaker. But I just, I. I don't understand it. You know, even to sum up my mom with a proud thing on what.

[Caller (Various Names)]

I do, I've won awards. Really, really well from nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I put myself through college. Wow. I had to work. My every dime of my college was paid for by myself. You know, I got my doctorate now and every. She wouldn't show up for my doctorate.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, Craig, we get it. Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

So proud of you. Oh, thank you, Stephanie.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're a good person.

[Adam Carolla]

Did that need to come out? Did that need to come from someone I made out with once in the 80s who was drunk and didn't even did remember? Very happy peanut butter. Check out an all new episode of For Crying out Loud this Monday or Visit crying out loudshow.com Only on the Ace Broadcasting Network. And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew on the Adam Corolla show dateline banger main 55 year old man was arrested after becoming intoxicated and stealing a golf cart. The man was co founder of the band Dawkin and had just finished a set playing drums for Ted Nugent. Definitely not a juice. Legendary actress Diane Ladd in studio Enlightened is her series HBO and it co stars Laura Dern, her daughter and Luke.

[Diane Ladd]

Oh no, Laura stars. Oh sort Laura co stars the other way around.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh sorry, screwed that up. And Luke Wilson, your son.

[Diane Ladd]

Guessing not this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Diane Ladd website. By the way Diane Laddie, Alice doesn't live here anymore. Chinatown. We're talking off the air about National Lampoon's Christmas vacation. Brian said you had an interesting story about auditioning for that role.

[Diane Ladd]

Well, we were just laughing because he Said I affected his life with that story. But, yeah, at that particular period in my life, I was a little disgusted with Hollywood, and I was engaged to a doctor. So I went down, got a degree in psychiatry and kept flying back and forth. Shelley Winters was my daughter's godmother. And she kept saying, why are you running away from Hollywood? I said, because I'm a little disgusted with Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Diane Ladd]

Well, because everything. They didn't like women directors. And I had directed a film and got great reviews and was called a female Woody Allen or Hal Ashby because they didn't have any women to compare me to. And it was selected by 10 international festivals. And I was just everywhere what they'd say, we never let you direct. I thought, well, you don't let any women direct. That's why there aren't any. I mean, Martha Coolidge directed Ramon Rose later. And why isn't everybody running to her after Princess Diana chose it as her favorite movie and flew us to London. Oh, really, Catherine? It took her how long, Bigelow, 85 years to get the Oscar. Hello, darling.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Diane Ladd]

So, yeah, I just felt it wasn't me. It was a great critic that said, Hollywood hates their others, you know, So I was in a mood where I'm not. I want to be of value before I kick the bucket, whether I'm young or old. So I was down in Florida working in a hospital and helping. Helping people in hospitals. And Shelly and everybody kept saying, are you out of your mind? What are you doing? I said, well, yeah, I'm helping. I'm of value. I'm doing something. So I said, okay, I'm going back to Hollywood. God, and here. And let's see. What do you want of me? Seriously? So I came back and the first interview was this one. One to play Chevy's mother. And the truth is, so help me God, I'm the same age as Chevy. So now I get Shelley Winters, her dead mother's dress. I put that on. I put powder, white powder, all over my hair. I get some oxfords from Salvation army and some old glasses. And I go walking into that interview. And as I walk in, there is every star that when I was 6 years old in grade school, waiting to audition for this part, it was heartbreaking for me. I mean, there's June, Allison and Al. Ghostly. Great. Alice. Ghostly. Great performance. Great performance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Diane Ladd]

So I'm really vulnerable. And now I walk in and you're not supposed to photograph people unless you got permission, right? They didn't get permission. I walked in. There was the Casting director with a camera in my face and I'm looking like living hell, and I'm about to blow my career to hell. And, God, if she shows this piece of film around and I don't get to. But I don't fight. I said, diane, go with the flow. Don't fight. So I walk in and there's Chevy. And they said, oh, we want to introduce you to Chevy Chase. I bypassed him. I ran over to Chevy, I grabbed him, I said, my sonny boy. I hit him in the head with a cute tap. I opened his mouth, crawled in with my fingers and played a game and slapped him on the cheek and said, I love you, and grabbed him and hugged him and got home and was told I got the part. And I started crying.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, oh, my God, I got.

[Diane Ladd]

But then I laughed myself to the bank for 16 weeks. And then six weeks later, after saying, okay, God, whatever you want, I got a starring role in a film that brought me an Oscar nomination.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa, What? No. We talking about.

[Diane Ladd]

No, that was David Lynch's so Wild at Heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Wild at Heart, Yeah.

[Diane Ladd]

No, it wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it wasn't that. I was trying to do the math and.

[Diane Ladd]

But in Chevy's show, I did my own stunt. Jumped up, flipped over the cap couch and did my own stunt.

[Adam Carolla]

We got. You got chutzpah.

[Diane Ladd]

You got anything except they. The squirrel, you know, that's in the show, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Diane Ladd]

The squirrel wrangler. The director said, diane, I need you to. I'm on the floor when it runs across. He said, I need. I've passed out. He said, you come to. I need you to crawl. Be closer to the squirrel. And the wrangler came over and said, Ms. Lad, I know squirrels are cute. Don't get any close. Closer, please. There's too much going on. Squirrels have razor blades for nails, and if somebody does something, this thing pecks and he jumps on your face, it's all over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Diane Ladd]

So I started scooting back instead of falling.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how my grandfather went, by the way. No, seriously, squirrel's one of those things. Where.

[Diane Ladd]

Where are you from, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm from the San Fernando Valley.

[Diane Ladd]

So how you know about squirrels and things?

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen squirrels jump onto stuff before, and once they jump on, they stay.

[Diane Ladd]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole thing about the squirrel is they're like that alien from the movie Alien. They go on your face and they ain't leaving your face. Squirrel. Squirrel's whole plan is, you know, you know, you're 200 pound. Dude, I'm nine ounces, so I have to ride you like a bull. And I have to stay on as long as I possibly can so you can't get me. And there's no rodeo squirrels that run around and distract me so they jump on, they sink in, they cling on, and you don't go anywhere. Oh, we're gonna look at the. We're gonna look at the clip. By the way, I think of.

[Diane Ladd]

Oh, God, no, you should show the one where I play his mother when he's 10 years old and I look sexy and beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

There goes the squirrel. And there you are up on the sofa. Yes, you are now. We're watching this now. After you. So where are you from? From where? Where do you hail from?

[Diane Ladd]

Originally, Mississippi. Am I cricket?

[Adam Carolla]

A cricket?

[Diane Ladd]

I cricket a cricket. Humpback. Humpback.

[Adam Carolla]

And where. What did you think?

[Diane Ladd]

And I spent a lot of times in New Orleans too.

[Adam Carolla]

That makes sense. What did you.

[Diane Ladd]

Tennessee Williams. He wrote Streetcar Named Desire. He's my cousin.

[Adam Carolla]

He's your cousin?

[Diane Ladd]

Yeah. I just was down there for a family reunion. Yeah. For a big 150 people.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. You got a lot of.

[Diane Ladd]

And I ate too much, so I'm glad everybody's not seeing me because I had chicken and dumplings and pecan pie and. And Brennan's breakfast is with. Oh, golly, Ms. Moss.

[Adam Carolla]

How come they seem to know how to eat over there?

[Diane Ladd]

Well, because that's what we do.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know what I feel we.

[Diane Ladd]

Have babies, make love, eat a lot. And you know, if you ask somebody here in California, how are you? They say I'm fine, I'm great. How are you? Don't ask somebody from the south how are you, because they're going to tell you. It's called chit chat. And that's what we do. We love to talk and chit chat. And that's why the greatest writer in this country are from my state, Mississippi.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to make this observation.

[Diane Ladd]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I think in these other places like New Orleans, they eat smart. See, we eat dumb. Either way, we're both fat, but we're fat eating a bunch of shit from 711 and a bunch of fast food and sub sandwiches that are subpar and just a bunch of. Just kind of. Of prefab hostess, you know, comes in cellophane, whatever. You guys are fresh cream corn, right? Yeah. You guys are getting fat the right way.

[Diane Ladd]

You're enjoying getting fat feel peas, chicken and dumplings.

[Adam Carolla]

We're more like eating hospital food, getting fat cake. Yeah. You're getting Fat and enjoying yourself. We're fat and miserable. We're fat and dumb.

[Diane Ladd]

That's pretty smart of you. That's pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

I never really thought about it, but if you're going to be fat, you might as well.

[Diane Ladd]

If you're going to sin, do it well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because either way, you know, a thousand calories is a thousand calories. You might as well enjoy the shit out of it rather than just eating some fucked up Hostess.

[Diane Ladd]

But you know what, Adam? When you eat good like that, after a while, you can diet or take it back, but you got to have some good food now and then and just enjoy it. And then, like right now, I did. I put on like, £12. So now I'm taking it off. And you know what? It doesn't bother me at all.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you take it off?

[Diane Ladd]

Vegetables and protein. No sugars.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Diane Ladd]

No sugars. Stay away from the carbs and stay away from booze. Sorry. Yeah, don't cry. It'll get better.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Enlightened is the name of the show on HBO and first season. Should we do a little news? Diane, you sit back, you hang out, you jump in and crack wise. That's what I need you to do. By the way, the news with Allison Rosenberg. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Tonight's news is brought to you by tunein. Check out tunein.com or get the free Tunein app to listen to this show and thousands of radio stations from every continent all night. So Villaragosa is repealing the business tax on car dealerships in LA because, no, we get a buttload of sales tax from them. But the business tax isn't that much, actually. Not that much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay, here's. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Not as much as they wanted it to be because they were driving the business out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect metaphor for everything thing, which is we get greedy and we drive. You know, look, Los Angeles should be, and probably was, the car dealership capital of the world. And so whenever anybody is in government, they just start looking around. I don't know why, but they look at cars first. They go, hmm, what are you doing with that car? And then they go, you know, meeting. Tickets shouldn't be 78 bucks. It should be 178 bucks. And then I go, parking tickets. Ticket shouldn't be 35 bucks. It should be 75 bucks.

[Diane Ladd]

It's a big game, Adam. Let them lower the price on the car and give the tax money for education and highways that we need in this state.

[Adam Carolla]

Amen, sister. I'll eat some cream, something to that. So the point is they just look at cars. See, here's the thing. Here's what they've done with Los Angeles especially. You are chained to your car. Yes, they have got us strung out on cars. They're like a fucking car dealer. Dealer, that's right. They're drug car dealers. There is no mass transit. There's nothing to do. I mean, obviously it was intentional. I saw Chinatown.

[Allison Rosen]

I saw that documentary.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't tell me about Chinatown. I know what it.

[Diane Ladd]

Hart or Amlin Rose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They got rid of all the lines.

[Diane Ladd]

And the battery cars we could have had 22 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

They got rid of everything and they gave us the car and they got us strung out on it and now we need it. And then they went, you know what?

[Caller (Various Names)]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's start charging for everything.

[Diane Ladd]

Can you believe what they cost cars? Do you realize how much we're paying? I know it cost a lot to build this stuff, but they can lower those prices.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't give a shit about that because that's just Audi going up against BMW going up against Mercedes and Chevy, that they can duke it out in that arena. The government said, you know what, we're going to get even more money out of car dealers. And they put some sort of tax on the car dealers and the car dealers did what everyone else in California is doing is they went fuck that, we're going somewhere else else. And now they're left with nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, la, 95 dealerships in the last 25 years. But they say the trend is reversing because now LA's auto row has twice the number of dealerships that it did 10 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

They're going to lift this and get people to come back.

[Allison Rosen]

Now did you know that this reforming LA's business tax is a core component of Villaragosa's five step plan for creating jobs in LA? Did you know that there was this five step plan?

[Diane Ladd]

Well, excuse me, if he wants to create jobs because you. Could he please stop the Runaway productions. Do you know that in 10 years we lost $2 billion in this country that we put in other countries pockets? Could we bring that money back and put people back to work in show.

[Adam Carolla]

Business other countries and other states? If you live in Hollywood or California, obviously a lot of people going to.

[Diane Ladd]

When I did Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital, we asked the governor for $2 million, a $38 billion job budget. And we asked for $2 billion to take off and they said no. So they went to van, they took us to Vancouver, of course, and they got, they got 10 billion. They got. So 500 people were put to work, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And you think about these dealerships, think about the salespeople, think about the receptionists, think about all the mechanics and all the bays. Think about the size of one dealership.

[Diane Ladd]

I took that research, Adam, to Washington. I made 17 trips and spent a fortune of my own money. And Diane Ladd sitting here, got the only tax shelter passed in 40 years, signed by our President Bush. And so we started making independent movies in Louisiana, Mississippi and Georgia. But we need a lot more tax shelters. We need people to appreciate.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you don't. You guys are in the 1% and you need to start paying more. You rich lazy actors. You have to start paying rich lazy actors.

[Diane Ladd]

Don't start with me, baby. 87,000 actors. Actors made less than $10,000 a year poverty wage last year. Hello. And 32,000. Didn't make 5 cents. Hello. And only 3,000 out of 120,000 actors make $100,000 or better. And when an actor makes $100,000, they spend 50% to the people that they, that they keep in business to get them the job.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I'm being facetious.

[Diane Ladd]

Thinks that we all, you included, baby, that he. They think we light cigars with hundred dollar bill bills.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Diane Ladd]

And if you ask them for a tax shelter to put money in their pocket, they don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, listen, I.

[Diane Ladd]

Look, hey, Adam, why do we take education out of this country? Out of schools across this great nation and drama and all the good things for our kids?

[Adam Carolla]

What about shop? How about.

[Diane Ladd]

What about shop? What about sports?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I. Listen, listen, I agree. I'm so tired of hearing Bono complain about when a guy learns to play, play the French horn, he does better than that.

[Diane Ladd]

Bono didn't help us with the bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Play sports and do shops. Sports will teach you everything you need to know in life. Now listen to me. I'm with you.

[Diane Ladd]

Tools help. You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand. Picking up and leaving. So right now you have a car dealership and you're getting extra percent off that or you have a production, you're getting extra percent. Now you have a choice. You can get nothing when everyone goes to Vancouver or you can have them stay, not be greedy and get your tax revenue from them. Don't get greedy. You'll get Nothing. And we won't learn that lesson. What is that? And how many times do I have to scream about it? And how come nobody understands that concept?

[Diane Ladd]

I think you gotta scream even louder because even look at BP right now down in Louisiana that that oil wasn't leaked.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought you meant butt plug.

[Diane Ladd]

No, it wasn't. It wasn't sealed off. BP didn't seal off.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but what do you say?

[Diane Ladd]

So I didn't eat the shrimp in Louisiana this time, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be 13 pounds overweight.

[Diane Ladd]

No, no, I might be sick. I'm sorry. But there's a new documentary coming out and I think BP has paid how many people under the table while they're ruining four states. Texas, Alabama, Mississippi and one other.

[Adam Carolla]

I see those feel good commercials where people are like eating food. This is just going, come on back.

[Allison Rosen]

To Louisiana, enjoy our two headed shrimp.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Diane Ladd]

Well then ask when that oil leak exploded in 2010, how come they won't let ships in, go over it and see what's going on? How come they're still corrects? It is a poison chemical that they're sprinkling on the water and if the shrimp eat it, the fish eat it and people eat it and they get sick. Diane, it's not my documentary, but I just saw it and I'm in shock. It's called the Big Fix, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look for it and won't be coming to theaters near me, not if.

[Diane Ladd]

BP has anything to do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we understand this concept of you raise taxes and people live.

[Diane Ladd]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How come we don't understand that? How come Hollywood doesn't understand that on a more global, from a more global.

[Diane Ladd]

Perspective, how come Washington doesn't understand it? Well, There you go, L.A. if you're doing a little independent movie, I mean, if big movies today cost like 180 million, how much did Batman just cost? 200 and what million dollars. So most of the times at the Oscars, the pictures that are up for awards are usually the independent. Now if they're going to go even, even silver nitrate in a film, Adam, costs double today. So it's really a lot of money to make a film. It's not like the old days. So if you're going to make a film and you got to pay, and even the airline tickets have gone up in price, we need some help to keep culture. If a country loses the culture, you lose the country.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And like I said, it's Hollywood. It's Hollywood. It's not even, it's the country and the city.

[Diane Ladd]

Well, Enlightened is being filmed right here in Hollywood. My daughter Laura Dern fought like a dog for that, and she demanded that she shoot the film here. So now everybody's got to watch it to make it a hit so that we make more here in la.

[Adam Carolla]

You can watch the first season, by the way, on HBO Go. All right, Allison, what's next? Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

So an Egyptian couple was charged after they put their newborn in a carry on bag and then went through the airport, the United Arab Emirates, and the X ray machine caught it. And I believe we have a photo. This was all over the news today. They were having trouble getting a visa for their infant. So he says that she convinced him to go along with this plan.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Real lady says that he can.

[Allison Rosen]

No, the husband says that the wife convinced him to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Drop the dime on the old lady. Yeah, I like that. So the kid.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm sorry. The father persuaded her.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, they're gonna carry the kid.

[Allison Rosen]

One was opposed.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna carry the kid. Were they gonna carry the kid on?

[Allison Rosen]

They were gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

They weren't checking.

[Allison Rosen]

They weren't checking the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so they're gonna carry the kid and they pass. Now they get a certain amount of radiation passing through that thing.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm through the X ray machine or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Not as bad as Shrimp. Got it from bp, but still dangerous. And then they saw the kid. And by the way, I've done this before. Duh. Wrap your kid in four. You don't put them through there like that.

[Allison Rosen]

In a shampoo bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Cut them up and put them in a shampoo bottle and reassemble them.

[Allison Rosen]

Put them in a balloon and swallow them.

[Diane Ladd]

Just too much in shock and laughing here.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so they pulled the kid out, and then what do they do with the kid?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the parents and the kid are under police questioning. I'm sure there'll be more news about this tomorrow. But they didn't make their flight.

[Adam Carolla]

Suffice it to say, bad times.

[Diane Ladd]

Oh, good God.

[Allison Rosen]

And then a very sad story out of Comic Con. A Twilight fan was killed as she was trying to cross the street to get in line to go to a panel about Twilight. The breaking Dawn Part 2 panel. There's a huge line. And Comic Con had actually tweeted, please don't line up until we're ready. Because they, you know, expected this throng, this crush, but people lined up ahead of time. And then she was trying to cross the street to get there.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she a great big Fat person?

[Allison Rosen]

She was 57. That's all I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she wearing a crazy outfit? 57. 57 years young, by the way. But why? What is going on in this place? And have we no shame anymore? And what's up? Like I could understand you secretly liking Twilight at age 57.

[Allison Rosen]

Comic Con is not a place to secretly like anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where you go to.

[Diane Ladd]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand. You go there to come out of your shell. It's basically the gay parade for geeks. But why is this not someone's secret shame? When you're a 57 year old woman and you're really into Twilight, do you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Because I feel like in your 30s and 40s, it'd be your secret shame, but by the time you hit 50, that's when you let your shames out.

[Diane Ladd]

Well, I don't care if she went to see Comic Con or be part of Comic Con, but did she cross against the light? Where was the light and where was the walkway and who hit her and why? I wanted to see the big picture.

[Allison Rosen]

We'd like to focus on the small picture here, but we could look at the big picture.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm guessing she was hit by a stoned or something. Hit by a jock?

[Allison Rosen]

No, she was hit by a 67 year old and she was bleeding profusely when she was rushed to the hospital. And the news has not said exactly what happened, whether there was some, you know, whether he was in the wrong. Well, she was in the wrong. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I mean, most every time you're hit in the street, you're in the wrong. Their bumpers always run.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but if anyone here has been to Comic Con, which I think I.

[Diane Ladd]

Have, it's so crowded that she's been to Comic Con.

[Adam Carolla]

I have too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we both have.

[Diane Ladd]

Adam's been to come, but it's so.

[Allison Rosen]

Crowded, the drivers, you can't go fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is probably driving for something, but either way, the point is this. Let's knock it off at the fucking Comic Con already. Please. Please. It's goddamn embarrassing for adults to be showing up at that shit box.

[Allison Rosen]

For show business, though, it's a huge thing. It's become even more influential.

[Adam Carolla]

Let it be known. Let it be known. All nerds who attend Comics Comic Con when the celebrity shows up because it's Batman or Superman or whatever. Homoerotic man, you guys are working out with the fucking huge package and the big biceps and all that. Yeah. All the other super gay homoerotic stuff that in the fantasy, homoerotic fantasies that you guys are living out as adults. That celebrity does not want to be there. Humphrey Bogart would have never gone to Comic Con. And there's no way, Diane, that all those greats, some alive and some dead, the greats.

[Diane Ladd]

That's absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary Cooper never would have. He would have thrown his brandy. Spencer Tracy would have thrown his brandy snifter at you and said, get out of here, homo. I'm not going anywhere unless there's booze and broads there. I'm not going if there's booze and broads. A con, then I'll go.

[Brian Bishop]

I'd like to see an online date.

[Diane Ladd]

Except I just did see Spider Man. I never would have gone, except my daughter took the camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids.

[Diane Ladd]

And she called me up and said, I don't believe this. This is great. This film is great. It's not just all the action stuff, but they really. The director did an incredible job, and.

[Adam Carolla]

The actor's phenomenal, but no one wants one good one they don't want. Even if the movie's good, I guarantee the celebrity doesn't want to schlep to San Diego to hang out, press the flesh with a bunch of fat nerds.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm going to pitch you an idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

George C. Scott at Comic Con.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, how about that? I want to see that video.

[Diane Ladd]

I want to see that video.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway, she'll be missed.

[Diane Ladd]

And was Colleen Dewhurst with him? That's what I want to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Her cats will miss her. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

A yoga instructor who was teaching a class at Facebook was fired because someone in the class wouldn't stop checking her phone, specifically checking Facebook. And the yoga instructor at the Facebook headquarters where she was teaching the class told her to stop doing that. So she was. Was fired.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she fired or.

[Allison Rosen]

The business that contracts the fitness stuff for Facebook let her go. Because they try to always say yes to their customers, and the Facebook employees are customers.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm guessing Facebook is a lot like Pixar in that it's a goddamn utopia to work at.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what it sounds like. If they have yoga classes or they'll.

[Adam Carolla]

Have anything, they'll have, like the Doobie Brothers playing during lunch on a Tuesday. And the thing about Pixar, they told me at Pixar, if you want to do anything, like, let's just say I go, I want to get into archery. You guys want to get into archery? All you need is three people to go, yeah, I want to get in archery. And they'll have a professional archer, like, come over and set up and teach you classes in archery. You can do whatever you want. And so I'm guessing this was just one of the many benefits for working at one of these places. And they don't really have a work policy. They just have a get your work done but do it at your own do it policy. Yeah. Oh, my God. I took a tour of Pixar. The writers, I think it was the illustrator's room. Each one of the rooms was done up like a rainforest. One guy had a speakeasy room with, like, a secret door, and you could go into a secret parlor. Like, it's all done, like, by set decorators. It's the coolest place in the world. And I've said it a million times, I could never run that business. Because this is the speakeasy room we're looking at. And you literally, like, Batman's lair. You take Beethoven's bus, or whoever that is, and you pull the head back and the secret door opens and you go into the back area. This is the guy's office. And then other guys had offices done up again, like. Like, with, you know, with rainforest motifs and stuff. It's just unbelievable. But if I worked there, my problem would be I would head down, I would walk past two guys playing foosball, and I'd go, hey, Bob. Hey, Steve, how's it going? And I'd go, hey, man. Hey, boss, how you doing? And. Oh, come on. Yeah. Oh, score. And then I'd go back to my office. And then like an hour and a half later, I'd walk back down. I'd go, hey, Bob. Hey, Steve, how you doing? Hey, boss, how are you doing? And they'd be playing away. And then the third time, I'd go, hey, get the fuck to work, assholes. I'm not fucking paying you to play fucking foosball. You take that fucking foosball and put in your fucking office. I swear to fucking Christ, I see you two playing fucking foosball, and I'll fire your goddamn ass. I get the fuck to work. That's what I would do. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take them sitting around and eating. People just eating for free. I'd run in, I'd run into people like, oh, what are you doing? Oh, we're just our day off. Whoa. Day off. Hanging out.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, how are those not the same nerds that you out hang?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why I don't hate these nerds. These are nerds, but they don't go to Comic Con for some Reason they're too busy, they go to Foosballicon. Write that down. I'm gonna hang with those dudes.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right, though. How do people who are bosses and who are in charge of the employees at these paradises not constantly be thinking, but they should be working right now. They also have to really trust that that helps them.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'd come up to me and, you know, you'd go, yeah, we want you to hire an archery specialist to come in here.

[Allison Rosen]

It's really gon with our coding.

[Diane Ladd]

They must come back after the game and come up with something great to make some money. So they say, let them play, let them play.

[Adam Carolla]

I think part of the deal is they make so much money that. And they're smart in that. Spread it around a little bit, you know, be a little bit generous. And you have, you have employees for life. You have, like, the most dedicated. Those are the happiest, happiest, most dedicated. Every time you go in there, and I imagine Facebook probably be this way too. When you turn on the news and you see like, oh, a four year old was shot in a drive by shooting or something, and then you hear about some leader, some ethnic cleansing that's going now turning to Darfur, and you go, just go over to Pixar. You'll be happy. You'll go, wow.

[Diane Ladd]

Our country has less vacations and no siestas. So I don't know, all of Europe and other places take more siestas, they say, and more vacations and they produce better stuff when that happens.

[Adam Carolla]

When they're awake. Yeah.

[Diane Ladd]

When they're awake and happy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I. The thing is with like, Pixar, I don't know about Pixar. I don't know if they take. I don't know if they're tired from playing foosball, so they have to take a nap.

[Diane Ladd]

So you don't see them when you come back the third time and you think, oh, boy, they're working, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. All right, what's next? What's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, speaking of Facebook, there's a survey that says that 25% of female Facebook users admit to deliberately posting unflattering photos of their friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Diane Ladd]

That's not nice.

[Allison Rosen]

And they, one in three claimed they were doing it out of retribution for a similar slight made against them. And the rest of them said they did it because they had a falling out with a friend in the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

This has to be 25%, but they all have to be under 25 years of age or under 17 years. I mean, the lion's share, hopefully the lion's share of this. 25% has to be under 18, right? I know women are horrific creatures, but this is not something a 37.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary's interpretation of this is. And 75% of women are liars.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, women. You've all done it. Wow. Gary Fulltart or Gary Halftart?

[Allison Rosen]

This is half.50%.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

We're in percentages now.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously we're dumb. Okay, maybe it's just human beings.

[Diane Ladd]

A lot of human beings are liars. Why classify with just the feminine energy?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think. Here, let me address that. My masculine energy. There is a. I think women compete with each other in this arena. I wish they did, but they're wired to. Men do it in arm wrestling and shit like that. We physically fight. Like when we compete, we physically compete. I think women emotionally compete. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't hear guys being like, I can't believe what a dick he was. He uploaded an unflattering photo of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, it's never like. Well, first off, here's all you need to know. If you and your friend show up at the party in the same blouse, you're pissed at each other. If two guys show up in the same shirt, it's high fives all the way around.

[Allison Rosen]

And yet if two guys go out to a restaurant, they can't both order the same thing, right? No, I know guys who say that. Break some man code.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's.

[Diane Ladd]

You know, Adam, I'm working on a picture about the late Martha Mitchell, and one of her great comments was that we women will never be liberated until we stop competing one against the other like dogs after a bone, and instead give each other loving support, energy.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice.

[Diane Ladd]

And no, no woman could ever catch her husband cheating on her unless there was another woman there doing it with her. So when we betray each other, we betray ourselves. And it's true for men too, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but women, you're right.

[Diane Ladd]

It's not nobody the 20s doing this. I hope under 20, because I'm gonna be very depressed if girls over 20 are doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I'm sad to say that women have a biological wiring to compete with each other on this level that men don't. Men have a wiring to compete with each other in other arenas.

[Diane Ladd]

I'm not sure they have a wiring. I think that they're programmed by.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then why are you guys so bitchy to each other?

[Diane Ladd]

Because they're everything we see. Everything we see.

[Adam Carolla]

Programming doesn't work.

[Diane Ladd]

You wear that Beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Programming doesn't work unless. Unless it. No, it does work if there's. If you're set up for it.

[Diane Ladd]

It doesn't really work if you're not thousands of years. So who sets you up, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I'm thinking money people, baby.

[Diane Ladd]

Money people.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a conspiracy. You guys are wired this way.

[Diane Ladd]

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so what happened? We all just decided let's program women to be a certain way.

[Ice T]

I.

[Diane Ladd]

Thank you, God.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you admitting it?

[Allison Rosen]

Why are you admitting it?

[Diane Ladd]

I knew you were genius, Adam, by the way, that man tells it like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain how the programming meeting would go. Brian, you bring up the old Facebook picture thing at our programming women meeting.

[Brian Bishop]

Good news, fellas. Looks like our programming's gone very well. We've been. Women are up to now, 25% of them are posting pictures, unflattering pictures, old questions till later of the friends. They don't like retribution. A genius question. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Are we doing programming or are we.

[Brian Bishop]

Not of this obvious word of programming?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, can I make it crazy when.

[Diane Ladd]

You get a sponsor when you do that kind of programming, getting a sponsor right from the cosmetic people and the perfume people.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I make a crazy suggestion? Get this bitch out of here.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not going to interrupt me.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, genius, can we go ahead and program for some blow jobs and this Facebook thing for now? How about we back burner the Facebook thing? We just focus on the blowjob.

[Diane Ladd]

You know why? We're going to buy you.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to put a brand new.

[Diane Ladd]

Fan right there to give you a beautiful blow job right on your face.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm talking about?

[Allison Rosen]

No, she has some fans who would be into that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, last story. Let's bring it on home. What do we got? One more.

[Allison Rosen]

One more. Related to Facebook. The team that produced the Social Network will be producing 50 Shades of Grey. A movie or a book that is finally going to be brought to the big screen.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the Social Network so much. I thought that was such a great film.

[Allison Rosen]

Me too.

[Adam Carolla]

And I just thought it was so well executed, so well written and so well. Everybody, Everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Quick question. The team. Who do you mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Michael DeLuca. Yeah, the producing team. Oh, Michael and Dana Brunetti.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I don't want to see all this.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin, studio president.

[Adam Carolla]

And we don't need erotica. Dudes don't need erotica. We have porn.

[Allison Rosen]

Diane, do you have an opinion about 50 shades of gray?

[Diane Ladd]

No, I don't. Because if I say it's going to be boring as hell. I might get fooled if I say it's gonna be magnificent. It might be boring as hell.

[Adam Carolla]

Also could be a role in it for you then.

[Diane Ladd]

I'm not gonna say anything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Let's not bite that hand.

[Diane Ladd]

Let's not bite the hand that might feed me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what.

[Diane Ladd]

I look good in gray.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell you what I'd like to talk about. Stamps dot com. Oh, man. Dan, you got to get to stamps dot com.

[Diane Ladd]

What is stamps.com?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's the future is what it is.

[Diane Ladd]

All right. I want to hear all about it.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to go down the post office and wait in line. By the way, post office not over open. Not now it's not. No. Hell, no. Too late. You gotta wait till tomorrow. But you want to send something now. Stamps dot com. What you do is you print official U.S. postage from your own computer.

[Diane Ladd]

How's that possible?

[Adam Carolla]

It's magical is what it is. You. I sound like Scooby Doo there.

[Caller (Various Names)]

Are you sure that's even English?

[Adam Carolla]

You plug a skate in your computer, digital scale. You put your parcel on it, it tells you how much it's going to cost to send, and then you can print out actual us.

[Diane Ladd]

I love that idea, but what are they going to charge me? Hit me up for. For the scale.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, everybody. Scale free. How about that, sister? Let me ask you a question. Be honest.

[Diane Ladd]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you afford free? I don't know. I'd say you could.

[Diane Ladd]

It's so rare.

[Adam Carolla]

It's rare.

[Diane Ladd]

I'm not sure if you can afford.

[Adam Carolla]

Free. Free. Free. Plus $55 free postage only if you enter the promo code Adam. Enter Adam. That's all. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Adam. That's stamps dot com promo code Adam.

[Diane Ladd]

I think I have to leave now because I got to rush home and type that in.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you better hurry. But don't worry, it's what we call an evergreen. Diane Ladd, everybody, and enlightened. You can watch your first season on HBO Go. And also the website, dianelad.com. you can check her out and see what's coming up and what's going on. A slice of heaven. Diane, thank you so much for coming in.

[Diane Ladd]

Thank you so much. God bless all of you.

[Adam Carolla]

God bless you twos. And at our store, we got our shirts on sale, we got our lederhosen, and don't be a 1 upper on sale. I like that. And the discontinued George Washington Carver T shirt from the Burcham Collector series. All right, thank you. And if you like what you hear, tell a friend, baby. Spread the word. Jon Lovitz Theater coming up Saturday, July 21, for a nice live show. So until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Diane Ladd, Allison Rosen, and Ball Brian Sayin, mahalo. I know I never stopped blowing air at my own ass. All right, that's adam K Show 864. That does it for this weekend's Crow classics. Until next weekend, mahalo. And get it on Sam.