Dirty Deeds with Greg Fitzsimmons + Kevin Federline Talks Brittany Spears Controversy

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show — "Dirty Deeds with Greg Fitzsimmons + Kevin Federline Talks Britney Spears Controversy"

Date: October 22, 2025
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons, Kevin Federline
News Segment: Alicia Krause

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Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a lively blend of unfiltered comedy, pop culture analysis, and deep-dives into the absurdities of everyday and celebrity life. Adam welcomes comedian Greg Fitzsimmons (aka "Fitz Dog") for a wide-ranging discussion that veers from sexual fetishes and adolescent pranks to shoplifting nostalgia and Vegas memories. The episode’s centerpiece is a candid interview with Kevin Federline, who promotes his new memoir and discusses his relationship and infamous breakup with Britney Spears. Rounding things off, Alicia Krause joins Adam and Greg for a fiery news segment dissecting recent political controversies, media hypocrisy, and viral outrage.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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Comedic Banter with Greg Fitzsimmons

Old Songs with Hidden Innuendo

• Adam and Greg riff on 70s/80s songs that masked adult themes beneath innocent lyrics, e.g. "Afternoon Delight," "Squeeze Box," "Brown Sugar."
• Quote:

  “When I was eight, I thought it was about roller skating, but now it's like, ‘I got a key, you got a roller skate—why don't you come over and visit me?’” — Adam Carolla [04:10]

Sexual Kinks & Fetishes

• An extended, light-hearted critique of odd sexual preferences, referencing both personal observation and “Loveline” stories from Adam’s radio past.
• Greg shares a Real Sex anecdote (guy as a horse, wife feeds carrot … not as expected).
• Both agree that some men need elaborate psychological triggers, but they're glad they're "simple."
• Quote:

  "If I'm paying, I want blow jobs and a martini. I don't want to be anyone's beast of burden." — Adam Carolla [07:30]

Female Adornment and Male Preferences

• Conversation on elaborate nails, piercings, tattoos—as signals not necessarily for men.
• Adam's take: Men usually just want thinness rather than enhancements like bedazzled nails.
• Quote:

  “I want to pull them aside at the mall and go, there’s really only one thing we want, but you gotta drop 40 pounds.” — Adam Carolla [15:00]

Vegas Stories & Male Stupidity

• Fitzsimmons describes using a knee scooter in Vegas and suddenly becoming "visible" to strangers.
• Adam tells of Jimmy Kimmel’s brother drunkenly running down a hotel hall with his eyes closed—ending in a forehead split open.
• Both share tales of adolescent vandalism and pranks, pre-“ring doorbell camera” era.

Shoplifting Nostalgia

• Both recount their childhood "lifting" exploits—Greg's break-ins to "Cards and Stuff," Adam’s deli counter turkey legs down the pants.
• Quote:

  “That'd be like renting a car, having it detailed and returning it. You get nothing out of it. It just cost you.” — Adam Carolla [11:47]

Local Fame, Porn Stars, and High School Fantasies

• Adam shares the surreal experience of seeing high school acquaintance Kristy Canyon in her first adult film, “On Golden Blonde,” and the collective scramble to secure a VHS rental.
• Greg discusses the weirdness of using underage or high school fantasies in adult life—the lines between memory and current age.
• Quote:

  “For every one of those women, there's a high school guy who went to school with them that is watching this." — Adam Carolla [48:13]

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Kevin Federline Interview [59:45–89:48]

From Fresno Mechanics to Dancing for Michael Jackson

• Federline’s blue-collar roots, early love of dance, and break into backup dancing for megastars (MJ, Destiny’s Child, Timberlake).
  • Grit and "friendly competition" with friends drove his success.
• Quote:

  “At one time I was, I was in the top...percentage of dancers for sure. I absolutely loved it. And then, you know, I used dance to kind of...It was like my therapy growing up.” — Kevin Federline [62:37]

Misconceptions About Dancing for Britney Spears

• He never danced for Britney as a backup dancer; they met through mutual friends at a nightclub.

Life with Britney and the Machinery of Fame

• Adam probes Federline's take on Britney’s hunger for performing versus being a "creation" of showbiz.
• Federline credits Britney’s musical creativity, but acknowledges her ambivalence toward fame and performing.
• Quote:

  “Everything that I wanted is everything that I hate, especially when it comes to Hollywood.” — Kevin Federline [70:10]

Decline of the Relationship

• Early signs of trouble: Britney firing people Federline trusted, his discomfort at home, her erratic behavior.
• Their breakup was hastened by drug use (specifically cocaine), postpartum stress, and lack of honest communication.
  • Adam probes the famous controversy of Britney allegedly breastfeeding while using cocaine. Federline explains he tried to intervene, later having to go to a lawyer.

Regrets and the Painful Breakup

• Federline discusses his mishandling of the breakup with then-pregnant ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.
  • Expresses remorse at not being forthright sooner.
• Quote:

  “As soon as I became famous, I also became infamous. And that never really allowed people...to get to know who I really was from that point.” — Kevin Federline [75:14]

On Britney’s Mental Health and Hopes for the Future

• Adam and Federline discuss whether mental illness or trauma explained Britney's behavior.
• Federline: both he and Britney were "ill equipped" and too young, compares sudden fame to a teenage NBA contract.
• Hopes for Britney’s wellbeing, especially for their children; says true change must come from Britney and "starts with her."

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News & Trending Topics with Alicia Krause

Viral Outrage Over Political Gestures [96:21+]

• Chicago elementary teacher filmed making a neck-slashing gesture referencing Charlie Kirk; Adam and Greg rage over double standards in school discipline and political expression.

Media & Social Hypocrisy

• Rants about teachers’ unions, institutional cancel culture, the selective enforcement of “offensive” behavior.
• Quote:

  “Covid put me over the top. Teachers unions are the worst. … You’re just there to indoctrinate kids now.” — Adam Carolla [98:04]

Political Segregation and Tribalism

• Discussion of online backlash against friendly photos between Fox’s Jesse Watters & CBS’s Gayle King; condemnation from partisan audiences on both sides.

Left’s Intolerance and Performative Outrage

• Extensive riffing on left/right hypocrisy, DEI hiring, “tone deaf” accusations, and incitement “double standards.”
• Adam on the performativity of TV panel clapping, the “clapper starter” job, and the inauthenticity of cable political theater.

DEI and Political Representation

• Jokes about Karine Jean-Pierre’s new book tour, her status as a "DEI hire," and the general state of White House communications.
• Quote:

  “I've a lone clapper—I know that's not a lone clap. … At some point they go, I'm sorry, to me, they're not Republican children, they're not Democratic children. They're just hungry children and they need to be fed.” — Adam Carolla [113:15]

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Notable Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Adam (on sexual simplicity):

  “I am blessed in that I’m just in the whatever feels good department. ... I don’t want to be anyone’s beast of burden. Wait a minute — that’s a Stones song.” [07:16]

• Greg (on adolescent pranks):

  “We used to call it Cards and Lift instead of Cards and Stuff.” [28:37]

• Adam (on the Kristy Canyon VHS episode):

  “We all piled down the stairs…like you could hear that sound in cartoons when the guy's running, you know, that bongo sound.” [41:22]

• Federline (on his early fame):

  "The way that I got into the situation ... as soon as I became famous, I also became infamous." [75:14]

• Adam (on teachers & political bias):

  “I never thought I would hate teachers more than I did in junior high, but I officially hate them all.” [98:04]

• Federline (on breaking up with Shar Jackson):

  “I feel the way I handled that situation was horrible. ... I was not truthful and I let her figure things out on her own before I finally manned up.” [76:19]

• Adam (on left-wing intolerance):

  “If you play for the Toronto Hitlers, then I really shouldn't be taking a picture with you.” [110:12]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Comedic riffing on song lyrics & sex innuendo – [03:10–06:40]
• Discussion of fetishes, Real Sex, and men’s preferences – [06:40–13:45]
• Adolescent pranks, Vegas stories, shoplifting memories – [17:02–28:44]
• Kristy Canyon, high school and adult fantasies – [36:03–49:35]
• Kevin Federline interview begins – [59:45]
  • Childhood, family, dancing for the stars – [59:45–64:24]
  • Britney Spears relationship, mental health, breakdown – [67:36–88:41]
  • Reflections on marriage, regrets, and future hopes – [87:11–89:48]
• News segment with Alicia Krause – [96:21–end]
  • Viral teacher controversy, media hypocrisy – [96:21–105:36]
  • Partisanship, cable TV performativity, DEI hiring – [105:36–123:38]

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Tone & Style

The episode is marked by Adam’s classic blend of biting sarcasm, honest introspection, and brash, quick-witted exchanges. Greg Fitzsimmons matches Adam’s intensity with his own sharp, self-deprecating humor. Kevin Federline’s segment is sincere and disarming, giving a human face to a notorious tabloid saga. The news panel, anchored by Alicia Krause, is intense, opinionated, and unapologetically frank.

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Summary

This episode exemplifies why Adam Carolla continues to draw wide audiences: irreverent, boundary-pushing humor sits alongside surprisingly insightful cultural and psychological commentary. Greg Fitzsimmons brings chemistry and comedic familiarity. Kevin Federline’s vulnerable look back at his tabloid life delivers authentic pathos, while also satisfying the audience’s curiosity about pop culture's most maligned ex. The entire run—true to Adam’s brand—pulls no punches, whether poking fun at sexual kinks, skewering political hypocrisy, or re-living the golden age of teenage hooliganism.

Listen for: Adam’s rants on teachers, the detailed Kristy Canyon story, Federline’s candor on Britney Spears, and the comedic takedown of performative outrage in modern culture.

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For a full experience, consider listening to:

• [59:45–89:48] — The Kevin Federline interview (Britney Spears revelations)
• [13:09–22:29] — Outrageous tales of boyhood and adolescence
• [96:21–105:36] — Adam and Alicia’s uncensored take on the viral teacher controversy

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, Fitz Dog, Greg Fitzsimmons, very funny comedian sits in for a chat. Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears got a book out, a very revealing conversation with him. We'll do the news with Alicia Krause and we'll do all that right after this. Bet Online hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Football season is in full swing and there's no better place to get in on the action than bet online. You're number one source for all things football. Betonline gives you more ways to play with the latest odds, breaking news, live scores and even in game betting. So you never miss out on a moment from every NFL and college game and matchup. Betonline is your place for all things football. And if you love MLB or UFC or anything NHL, anything with letters in it, futures even. Betonline keeps you locked into the action all year long. And don't Forget the BETOnline VIP program with exclusive level up bonuses, weekly cash boosts and rewards designed for serious players. Head to Betonline today. That's Betonline. The game starts here.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

From Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons and Britney's ex husband Kevin Federline. Plus the news and trending topics with Alicia Krause. And now really worry how the government shutdown is going to affect his food stamps.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but again you mandate you get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling Frame. Love that about you. Fitz Dog. Greg Fitzsimmons back in studio, the comedian's comedian. Which means he's not your comedian, he's our comedian. And he's doing shows. He's got the Comedy Store benefit coming up. Oh, Andrew Santino's on that. Craig Robinson. What's he doing at the Comedy Store? Special guest to be announced. He's playing the Den Theater in Chicago. Appleton, Wisconsin. That's a cool place. Fitz Dog, Appleton, Wisconsin. I do believe there's outdoor piano players in Appleton, Wisconsin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't the fingers get a little Chilly in the winter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you would think. Yeah. That's what the cider's for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a different. I mean, you're weak. You're a California guy. I can't imagine you do well in cold weather. I mean, you can handle it for a weekend, but you've never lived anywhere cold, have you?

[Adam Carolla]

I lived in Monomoly, Wisconsin. Speaking of Appleton, you gotta figure out the awesome word Menominee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't that a Muppet song?

[Adam Carolla]

Doo doo doo doo doo monom do. I don't think that was the Muppets. That was pre Muppet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, was it Sesame Street?

[Adam Carolla]

It would have been Sesame street or something. There's also just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it was Sesame Street.

[Adam Carolla]

We also had a time in this country when we were really high, but not on energy drinks. So we had time for, like, weird songs like, you take the lime into coconut, you're pretty good. It's like, that's almost a hit. I got a brand new jungle no way. Yeah. Well, that was a little doo woppy, but there was like. You got a brand new pair of roller skates, and I got a brand new key. Right about. It's just about fucking. Like, when I was eight, I thought it was about roller skating, but now it's like, I got a key, you got a roller skate. Why don't you come over and visit me?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I can skate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like, skate away.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know all the fucking songs. I didn't even know Afternoon Delight was about. I thought it was about lighting off bottle rockets, like, at noon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Skyrockets. You just listen to that song and it's like rubbing sticks and stones together, making sparks. And the sound of loving you is getting. It's all about daytime tent fucking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And then the. Who had that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Squeeze Box.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Squeeze box.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But again, everything was face value.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, AC DC every song they did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And. Oh, God, I was just listening to another one. One.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And anything about brown sugar. I thought they were making muffins or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, Mick Jagger has asked that they no longer play that song on the radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he has asked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's my thing about the whole racial thing. If you are doing, like, let's say blackface in a minstrel show sort of way, then so be it. But. But as I tell everyone, when I was 19, I went as Mr. T for Halloween because I loved Mr. T. So then that's a tip of the Mohawk to Mr. T, because what other. How else can you pay homage to Someone other than going as them for Halloween. You know what I mean? Then there's the weird ones, like I'm going as JonBenet Ramsey's corpse or something. And then that's a weird one. But this is me going as Mr. T. Cause I love Mr. T. Good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Job, Mr. T. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you, you know, you're Brown Sugar. How come you dance so good? All right, that's good. But just like a young girl should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a black girl should. Like a black girl should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's about a slave master having sex with a young slave.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market down in New Orleans. I see my whole life, I was just about hot black chick dancing. I didn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Scarred old slaver knows he's doing all right Hear him whip the women just around midnight. Brown sugar, how come you taste so good?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, at least she's performing on her. You know what I mean? Let me tell you something. 5, 7. Sex with a slave. Me performing oral on her would be out. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I heard that's a thing for some guys. It's called batting cleanup or something. They come in at the end of a night in, like, a massage parlor, and they're the ones that perform the oral. That's their fetish.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. All right, this is interesting. So when guys approach sex and women to some degree, but I'd say mostly for guys, there's like two sides of it. There's what are you visually into? How can you orgasm? And what feels good? And then there's a whole psychodynamic side of it where you're like, I like watching these German films of women stepping on cockroaches in high heels. And then you go, where'd that come from? And you go, well, when I was 2, I remember crawling around the floor in the kitchen. I would look at my mom's feet, and I became aroused. I was like, okay, that's weirdo luggage from the past stuff. And so, guys, I am blessed in that I'm just in the whatever feels good department. I'm not in the part where I have to. Like, when I did Loveline, there was a place by the LAX where guys pretended to be ponies and pull the mistress around with a horse and a cart. And they put a bit in their mouth, and it's like, if I'm paying, I want to blow jobs in a martini. I don't want to be anyone's beast of burden. Wait a minute. There's a stone soaked. I'm not interested in pulling a fat dyke around in a cart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, real sex was that show on hbo. Remember that? Every week they had a different fetish. But the crazy thing is, it was actual people. Like, they would come on as if their co workers did not have a subscription. Hbo. And this one guy, he's a horse, and his wife's in a leather bustier. He's got a saddle, she's on his back. And he's riding her around the living room. And she's got a carrot in her hand. And I'm thinking, oh, she's gonna feed the horse the carrot. Oh, no, no, Adam. Right up the ass. He goes up on his hind legs.

[Kevin Federline]

Neee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everybody comes. I'm like, good for them. They figure that out. Cut to the guy walking into his office on Monday morning. There's a bushel of carrots on his desk.

[Adam Carolla]

I would talk about it in greater detail, but I have a class action lawsuit against real sex. Because back before there was porn everywhere. I'd see real sex on HBO and I'd go, oh, what do we got cooking here? Some kind of topless Miss USA competition out of Florida? It was always, we go to Stuttgart, Germany, where fat chicks have a leather obsession. And the guy's getting the carrot up, and I'm like, non jackable. This is non jackable. No good. No good for anything. There's nothing sexual or arousing about that show. But, yeah, I saw the guy. I interviewed a mistress who worked for this place by LAX where guys pulled chicks around in carts. But here's my whole point. A lot of guys are into stuff that is more psychological than it is physical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, I guess there's two parts of being a dude. There's like, you could go, I want to eat monkey brains because it's outlawed and no one else can do it. And I'd go, well, if monkey brains taste better than a filet mignon, then I'll do it. But I don't think they do. No, no. We're doing it because it's a whole underground thing. And I'm like, I just want to. I'll take the stake.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I'm not interested in the challenge part of this whole thing. And I remember Ron Lester. God bless Ron Lester. You know, Ron Lester is. He should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Porn star.

[Adam Carolla]

Hmm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Porn star.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's Ron Jeremy. And then there's another name. Leslie. There's a Leslie and a Ron, but there's not a Ron Lester. Okay, Is it Ron Leslie? What's Ron Leslie. Okay, here's the point. He was the fat guy in Varsity Blues, the actor, okay, who got thin. But you'll remember him as the super huge guy who was in that movie Varsity Blues. And then he got thin and then he died. But he came into Loveline once, and, you know, he was like, you know, £450. And he explained that he liked to get with prostitutes. But then once he got with the prostitutes, he only went down on them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I said, that'd be like renting a car, having it detailed and returning it. You get nothing out of it. It just cost you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you just put premium gas.

[Adam Carolla]

You put premium. You top it off with premium. You put a coat of carnauba and you bring it right back. I'm like, I don't get what's in it for you. But that's what he did. And now I'm honoring his memory by telling the story into a microphone. But the guys that are into that stuff, do we not trust them? Do we think it smacks of something deeper? Do we live and let live, or are we one of them, Greg?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think we're one of them. And I applaud their ability to peel back the onion.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying you're one of them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, look, if Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn is something that freaks you out, well, then let me leave the room right now. Cause I'm a fan.

[Adam Carolla]

I get the quirk stuff. Like the stuff where secret hidden camera. You're coming in for an audition and it sort of turns into something. Little theater. But that's not the same as the cleanup hitter showing up after a long day at the brothel. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about the feet?

[Adam Carolla]

The feet? I don't understand the feet. But in a way, the feet is like the guy who's bi. It's like, well, you've just opened up the world to your sexuality. Because I like some titties, but I can't go to the beach and stare at naked titties. But you can look at feet all you want because they're all over the beach.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no. The spring starts and all of a sudden you hear flip, flop. And your head whips around. Whips around and down.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Round and down. Yeah, because they got the zoris, as we used to call them, the flip flops.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't have a foot fetish, but I definitely, as any part of the female body, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet. And what I'm noticing now is that they're growing the toenails long and then painting the tips and sticking, you know, little things on them.

[Adam Carolla]

They're bedazzled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're bedazzling long toenails not into it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of adorning going on. Yeah. I don't even look at. My thing is the feet are just there to hold the tits up. They're there so the tits don't fall over. You know what I mean? I'm gonna see those tits hit the ground. Five second rule, by the way. But you know what I mean? I don't really care. I wanna tell all women who do the bedazzling and the bejeweling and the crazy extra piercings up and down the ears and the nose studs and the, you know, the nails that have been airbrushed with a unicorn on it. That is not for any male. We don't care. We're not interested.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've noticed this. Overweight women, inversely proportional, have very bedazzled nails, hair tips, tattoos. Lot of adornment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. There's a lot of jiggling keys over here. Not to notice the extra rolls on the gun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they do jiggle key.

[Adam Carolla]

They actually, they will hold keys and jiggles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm wondering, I'm trying to think. I guess there's a dude sort of truck car version of that, where the shorter and uglier you are, the more the rims you put on your cars or something like that. But yes, women, it's a thing where when you have a big plus sized woman, they go, I must do eyelashes where I look like zebra's eyelashes. I need to do the nails that are acrylic and 4 inches long. I need everything. And I'm like, I want to pull them aside at the mall and go, there's really only one thing we want, but you got to drop 40 pounds. Like, that's the thing we're looking for. Not the nails, not the hair, not the jewelry, not any of it. As a matter of fact, I don't really know. There are a couple guys that are into tattoos, but are they into tattoos? Like, they're into tongue piercings. And that, that just means open for business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It means, it means there's a. It's a giant green light.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's saying, I'm into taking risks. I'm a little bit edgy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, it's, it's, it's. I don't think there's an aesthetic appreciation for the artwork.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's the opposite of when you see a turtleneck and a crucifix outside of the turtleneck, you know they're down for business. There's nothing. Don't knock on that door, there'll be no sale.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I will say the opposite. I was in Las Vegas this past weekend, sadly this last week. Seven fucking nights.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing shows, doing shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brad Garrett's was a great room. It's a really fun room at the mgm. And he's one of the great guys of all time.

[Adam Carolla]

I like him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's terrific. But what I noticed was inverse to the tattoo is the gaggle of women. I think they're called a gaggle when there's more than three walking through the casino. Could be a Tuesday night in Vegas. A Tuesday night's a Saturday night. And if you see them and it's after midnight and a girl has her shoes in her hand, she's on the field, but she's not in the game. It's like seeing someone on a paintball field who's been splattered in the chest with a red. They're out. You don't shoot that person again.

[Adam Carolla]

She's done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's done. She's tapped out.

[Adam Carolla]

Shoes in hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shoes in hand is a trophy of failure. You didn't meet a guy and the window's closed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not allowed to hit on her.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's what you learned from Vegas?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I learned that. I also learned I twisted my knee last week. And the hotel room from the club is I clocked it 1/2 of 1 mile to get there through tunnels. And so I twisted my knee. So I got one of those little scooters you put your knee on and you push it like a skateboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so what I realized was as a 59 year old, mildly attractive, straight white guy, nobody looks at me when I walk down the street. I don't get head nods, I don't get winks, I don't get waves. Put yourself on a fucking scooter and everybody smiles at you and is it pity? Fine, I'll take it. You're noticing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you check the scooter out from the desk?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I got it here in LA and I drove it to Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you drove it to Vegas. Oh, and you scoot around that way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an interesting thing. Cause the wheelchairs too wide, not mobile enough. You don't need that much mobility. Too much hand work or something. That scooter thing, which I usually seem to see. Guys with casts on their ankle or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's a lot of that. But my knee, I heard it on the side, so I was actually able to put it on the.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you get up on stage?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They have ramps. I mean, I was able to walk. I just couldn't walk a half a mile.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, I remember. It is interesting, the endless. I don't think man was meant to walk endlessly indoors. I think there's some sort of psychological effect that happens when you walk and you're on the three mile mark and you haven't felt any sunshine or breathed any air that didn't have cigarette smoke in it or heard anything other than slot machine. Like there's something that'll fuck with probably the enzymes in your brain if you walk too far indoors. But the story I love the most, and I don't know why I haven't told it a long time, but we were at the mgm, which had this endless hallway situation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's where I was, the mgm.

[Adam Carolla]

And we may or may not have been drinking, but Jimmy's brother John, you must have met John.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

John said, we're walking back to our rooms. And John goes, I'm just gonna run down this hallway with my eyes closed shut tight. Which, by the way, women, if you wanna know the difference between men and women, that's what guys do when they're drunk. They're like, I'm gonna see how far I can run down this hallway and I'm not gonna open my eyes. And I said, okay. And he put his hands in his pockets, like by his side. And he starts sprinting ahead of me. And at some point I start seeing him veer to the left just like he was like a car with a. Had one tire that had not enough air in it. And you let go of the steering wheel, it just starts drifting to the left. And he was drifting to the left and he just put his forehead right into a corner. Like right into a piece of corner. Metal corner bead. By the way, when you do drywall, it's metal. It's not the edge of drywall, it's the edge of metal that is put there. Cause the drywalls get fucked up and indented. Like three feet in was the door, but this was the corner of the hallway. Just put his forehead right into it, split it wide open. Blood, blood going everywhere. And it was one of those. A better man would have attended the emergency room with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, but it was 1:45 and I was buzzed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it was just the two of you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was Probably. It was probably me. We probably were doing crank anchors. And it was probably me and him and one other guy or another guy, but we were out strip clubbing or whatever, and he just ran in the wall and split his forehead open. It was bleeding all over the place. And I was just sort of looking at him and I said, you gotta go to the emergency room. He's like, yeah, but it was late and I was buzzed and I was like, yeah. And I may have told some other guy to make sure he gets there okay. And then I just went in my room, beat off, went to bed. What am I, a physician? You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a lot of. You're not a cab driver, you're not a physician.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. There's a lot of, why aren't you there? It's like, what do you want me to do, suture the guy up? There's nothing I can do. He's 6 foot 4. I'm not gonna hold his hand. And he ran into the wall on his own accord.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not on his own accord. He did it to please you, to make you happy. Would you be happy driving to the emergency room now?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. He's a pleaser and a bleeder. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No guys alone. There was a. I grew up outside of New York, and there was a women's college, Marymount College. It was a Catholic, Catholic women's college. And it was all these girls from the Bronx that would come up and we'd finger them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So anyway, we were at the library, and the library was four stories, and I was with three of my buddies. We used to just troll. We used to walk around campus and we'd have a bottle of wine. We were like 16, and we would try to fool around with the girl. So we get on the top floor of the library, and my friend, I said, I gotta take a shit. And my friend goes, I dare you to shit on the elevator in four floors. I mean, granted, this is the early 80s. Elevators were a little slower. Then get on the elevator, I drop my pants, I crouch, I drop a deuce. The door opens on the ground floor. Wow. And two young Hispanic girls get on, and we just walk off giggling for 15 to 20 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What guys can do. I don't think women fully understand what guys can do. I remember we were. There was a place that sold frozen yogurt froyo back when it was a novelty in the 80s, and it was called Humphrey Frogurts yogurts or something. They really went a long way to get A name that has. I don't associate Humphrey Bogart with frozen yogurt, but anyway, Humphrey yogurts or something. And we went there, but it was closed. We thought it would be open, but we didn't notice there was that aluminum flap mail slot in the door that you could push the mail through and it just land on the floor of the place. So we thought, well, as long as it's closed, we should definitely pee through that slot, all of us. Which is a thing that I don't think women would think of, but we thought this would be a good idea. And also pre ring doorbell cameras, like pre cameras everywhere. You do whatever you want. The elevator was your outhouse. The Humphrey Yogarts door slot was a urinal. You know what I mean? You can't do any of that stuff anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can't now. Like homeless people can because they don't care. But you can't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I can't do it anymore. And you know, I see some of these shows where, you know, like college students doing pranks. And you realize today, like we used to shoplift from the deli. There was like a store 24 type of situation. And you see these videos of these kids getting busted. And not only do you get busted out for the beer, they put it online. And now you're like a criminal. Now you're known for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The Deli Steel move for me would be. I had a couple moves. I had like a top hat, like a bowler hat when I was like 9 or 10 for some reason, like secondhand or whatever. And there was a window in the 70s where white guys could wear crazy hats. It's gone now, but everyone was sort of slashed from Guns n Roses back then. Now only black guys can wear cool hats. But there was a time when the white man could wear crazy hats too. But it was only like a two and a half year period. And I just go to the 7 11, put candy in the hat, and then just put the hat back on. There was that. Then the other move was go to Gelson's. They moved all the deli counters up front. Cause they got smart because they used to put them in the back. And then I'd go to the back and I order a full turkey drumstick. And then they put it in that foil bag. By the way, that bag that's got the foil on the inside and the paper on the outside, whatever's in there is good. Nothing bad ever came out of that bag. And I get the turkey leg and now they'd give you the receipt, but you pay for it up front. But I didn't have any money, so I had to figure out a way to smuggle it in my pants from the back of the counter of the Gelson's and then out the front door. By the way, I don't know why they never got suspicious because it's not oftentimes like 11 year old dudes are just walking through supermarkets kicking tires, you know, like I'm not purchasing anything, I'm just looking around, just checking out some Honey nut Cheerios and getting an idea for what a half gallon of orange juice costs. I may be back. I'm just kind of window shopping here. Like I would just look around and look interested in food, but I didn't have any money. And then once I got the turkey leg, I would take it out and eat it in the parking lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's also not 11 year olds packing turkey leg size cock in their pants as they're walking out.

[Adam Carolla]

That was awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That Corolla kid, he's really, he's got a big future.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gifted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't. I miss shoplifting. Yeah, I did a fair. Did you do a fair bit of shoplifting? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a place called Cards and Stuff that was near my friend's house and it had a back, it had a back window that they didn't lock and we used to climb into it. This didn't even have a fucking alarm for some reason. We used to climb into it and we would, we would steal pens and notebooks and all this stuff and then we would try to sell it at school but nobody would buy it. They're like. So we had. My friend's garage was just packed with all this stuff. We used to call it cards and lift instead of cards and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Cause you'd lift.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that was breaking and entering. Which is very different than just sticking something in your pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or your dick in a mail slot. BetterHelp this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. This year, BetterHelp wants to say thank you to the therapists. Over 5 million people have been helped by BetterHelp therapists worldwide. These therapists show up, listen and help people take steps forward. Therapy moments like the right question or safe spot to let it all out. It can change a life. If something's keeping you up at night, talking to someone can really help. BetterHelp makes it easy to connect with licensed therapists online. Celebrate the therapists who helped millions get better. It's better help Right, Dawson.

[Dawson]

This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10 off their first [e-mail] Corolla that's better. H E L P.com Corolla this October.

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, and then also at the, at the women's at Marymount College they had a pub on campus and we found a way in. So when they'd be closed and we go there like after it closed, we would steal bottles or cases of beer.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think anybody. Like my kids, they've never broken into anywhere. Our thing was Colfax elementary was across the street. We could hop the fence and get on the roof. I don't think my kids have ever been on a roof. Getting on a roof. That's where the action was. There was get on the roof of the condo and jump into the swimming pool in the backyard of this guy's apartment complex. Lots of climbing onto roofs. And we would get on the roof of Colfax elementary and climb up to the top of the auditorium and they had like a hatch with a ladder and then we'd open the hatch and get down. Now we're just standing in the auditorium. I didn't even know what was in the auditorium. There was nothing in the auditorium. There was no but, but just the notion of going to the Mulholland Club up on Mulholland and sneaking up on, breaking in and we'd get on the roof. Everything was on the roof of everything. And if you had a roof and a swimming pool, then we were good because that's where most of the action was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then you've always got that friend in a wheelchair to tell the story of that night.

[Adam Carolla]

We had one. We didn't have a friend in a wheelchair, but there was a guy in the neighborhood or sort of in the sphere that was in our, not our extended group of dudes. You know, they're like the dudes you knew and then the dudes you sort of knew but you still Might fight them because you didn't really know where they stood. But there were those guys and there was one guy on the outer circle who was in a wheelchair. And his girlfriend was Erica Aleniak, who played the Playboy model in the movie Under Siege.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alaniac the Maniac.

[Adam Carolla]

And we were like, that guy in the wheelchair, his girlfriend is a Playboy bunny. Anne was in the movie Under Siege. She was the co star in the movie Under Siege. And we were like, that guy's in a wheelchair.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did he meet her Pretty injury and she stuck with him.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they met post injury.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't know. We gotta look up Erica Alaniak I think was her last name. She was in Under Siege. She was also in Playboy. She had a little career. Probably did a little baywatch or something. Whatever 80s hot 80s chicks would do. Wow, she jumped out of the cake. Yeah, it was Baywatchi stuff. She was in a huge movie as a hot chick. So she was that. And she had a boyfriend who was in a wheelchair. And I never really figured out whether it was pre skateboard accident or post. I didn't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You think she was in it for the parking spot?

[Adam Carolla]

She could have wanted the. She could have wanted the custom van with the lift and the parking spot. But I do remember that. I remember us being a little obsessed with it. Like, is he able to take care of her the way we would take care of her? And then I think after Under Siege and Playboy and I think he got left on the handicap ramp of life. I think after a certain point, you know, little star 80, you know what I mean? Like the star 80 guy is sitting. He's got the hottest chick in Canada who's working at the puff and stuff or the Chick fil a or whatever over there. And then he take pictures of her and sends it into Hefner. And then Dorothy Stratton's. Next thing you know, she's heading to Los Angeles. And next, you know, Peter Bogdanovich is fucking her and this guy's back home in Canada. Like, hey, be careful. What do you think's going to happen here? You know what I mean? You had to. You should have seen this one coming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he should have been taking her to an ice cream shop every night. Put some pounds on her.

[Adam Carolla]

Or just stay home in Quebec.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, try to convince her she's ugly. Keep the job at the chicken place and you just stay home in Canada and fuck her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But instead you took Pictures and sent them in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's a Canadian, 12.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Can't find Erica Leniak, disabled boyfriend. Well, it definitely predates. It predates the Under Siege years. And I don't know what Erika Eleniak is up to now. They either.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, so you went to high school with her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I went to high school with Kristy Canyon. The porn star.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How exciting. Was that the first time you saw her having sex? Having known her as a teen? I mean, you can't even talk right now. I mean, that's unreal because you had already. That scene had already played out in your mind before you saw it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Just give me a second. Let me just decompress. Okay. Let me paint the picture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

She was. I asked her out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, look at you. I was a Hail Mary.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, there's only so much time left on the clock, and I'm behind. Yeah, I got to put it up there. You risk the interception, but you got it. What are your choices? I can't hand the ball off anymore. I can't play it safe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, there's a couple kids on the clock. They're guarding the sidelines.

[Adam Carolla]

They got the nickel package in the rush in three, they got a guy playing center field. One of my choices. I'm way behind. There's three ticks left on the clock. I got to throw it up.

[Fitz Dog]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

She was probably. I was living in a garage. I remember that. I was living in my dad's garage. I must have been like 18 or probably like 18. And I think she was like 17 or something. I think she's about a year and a half younger than I am or something like that. But Christy Canyon looked like Christy Canyon when she was 16. Do not. Don't get it twisted. She looked like a 16 year old. Christy can, because she got into porn when she was 18. So, you know, when she was 17, she looked the same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So she skipped college.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. She got a scholarship to do porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

So. And there was like some tail. Like, there was a guy I knew took her out a couple of times. I was like, God, man, what's that like? You know, man, man. Cause she looked like her. And I asked her out and she said okay.

[Fitz Dog]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then I remember that day, prepping, like, I washed my dad's car. I was gonna borrow his car. I know. I went to the army surplus store, and I don't know why, but probably to buy new pants. But back when people go, the army surplus store, which smelled like rubber and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Failure, sounds like the beginning of an incel store. It was like Taxi Driver and I.

[Adam Carolla]

Bought new pants at the army surplus store. And I washed my dad's car. And I was getting all prepped for the date. And somewhere around, I don't know, seven o' clock that night, I don't know if I called her and I was like, where are you? Or she called me or whatever it was, but it was just sort of. It was like that scene in Goodfellas when De Niro called on the phone to see if Joe Pesci was made or not. It's like, he's gone. And that's that. And I remember being like, hey, we going out tonight? And it's like, no, that's not gonna happen. And that's that. I was like, I just got new pants. Yeah, well, that's that. And I remember just like, I was like hanging up the phone going, it's not like she said she was sick and we're gonna reschedule.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Meh. That's that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was no pin in it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's that. Yeah, that was that. There's nothing we can do. And then I knocked the phone booth over. I was so angry. And then must have been a year and a half later, I mean, now, year and a half, two years later, and I'm living in my apartment with my roommates, my one bedroom in North Hollywood off of Laurel Canyon. And I just come home from work with my truck and, you know, boots and stuff, you know, parking out in the street.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His pants are worn out.

[Adam Carolla]

At this point, there's no form of communication. No cell phones, no construction sites, didn't have a job phone. You know, if someone needed to get hold of you, they need to drive over to the job site and go find you, you know? And like, I came walking into the living room and there were like three or four dudes, like, having a confab in my living room. And I was like, what's. What's going on here? And I go, missy, what's her name? Missy said, she's done a porn. And I'm like, I grabbed the guy by the lapels and I threw him against the wall. I said, do not bullshit a bullshitter. They're like, there's a movie out, she's in it. She's doing full naked porn. And I'm like, she's in this movie? Yeah, yeah, she's getting. She's getting fucked in this movie. I was like, where's the movie? Where's the movie? Where's the movie? What's the movie called? Because it's called On Golden Blonde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was kind of famous, wasn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

The porn?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the one with Katharine Hepburn in it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. But I. Maybe I just heard that title because it was such a funny title.

[Adam Carolla]

It was called On Golden Blonde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I go, this must on Golden Blonde must have been 1984 or something, because I was just out of the house and out of high school and living in my apartment. Is it 84? I can't really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

God, Ginger Lynn was in that one. She was a crowd favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. But I wasn't interested in Ginger Lynn because I didn't go to high school with her. So I. I was like, what is going on? Where is this. What is this movie? On Golden Blonde. And the guys that were like, in the living room, as I recall, a number of guys, neighborhood guys, they knew her as well. They're like, we gotta rent it. I go, okay, where is it? And it was kind of pre blockbuster and stuff like that. You'd have to get on the phone and some Asian guy pick up the phone and he's like, on Board and Bond and, you know, Golden Pond. Go check the back. You know what I mean? Like, go see if it's. Is it rented out? You know? And they're like, we somehow figured that it was at some place. There was some Mon Pa video store that had the porn section in the back with the beads or the western doors, you know? And it was like off of Sherman Way and Laurel Canyon. It was like kind of deep North Hollywood. And somebody was on the phone. It was like, they got it at All Star Rentals, Video Rentals in North Hollywood off Sherman Way and Roscoe. And he hung up the phone and we all piled down the stairs. Like, you could hear that sound in cartoons when the guy's running, you know, that bongo sound. And then it was like, mad, mad, mad world. We're all driving, pickup swerving, going through red lights. It's like, I'm coming, mama. Guys are driving while they're steering and crying, you know, behind the wheel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We come flying, like, fling the door open and slide across the linoleum. Where's the porn?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sex is sweaty, like Liam Neeson and Taken.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. Right. We run in, people are just throwing. Throwing movies off the rack, you know, grab it like one guy's. I got it. I got it. Like, we run back, you know. Yeah, that was a big.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And did you watch it as a group or were there allotted times Like, I get it from 212 to 224.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we. I think we. We must have watched it as a group. I couldn't see a scenario where I could get my friends to give me a little space and some quiet time with Kristy Canyon. I just couldn't imagine that. Plus, several years earlier, her sister Carla asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. So she had like a half sister. That was cute. Who actually asked me to a dance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you go?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, as I recall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you make love to her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I was in, like the eighth grade or something. But I did have a connection. I had an in. And then she was Christy Canyon. Because of Laurel Canyon. We lived on Laurel Canyon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peter north was in that film. I mean, he's one of the greats of all time. No, this was a famous movie on Golden Blonde was one of the biggest porn movies of the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, because it was pre Internet, so we didn't know anything. But I knew we had to get our hands on that movie. And the fact. I mean, the one perk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How late was that rental?

[Adam Carolla]

We weren't kind. We did not rewind. The one perk of being a San Fernando Valley guy is oftentimes girls you went to high school with ended up doing porn movies because everyone's just white trash, you know? And there was another time when a couple of Tiffany and I don't. Whatever her sister both got into porn. Now it was like both the sisters in porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. There was a female comedian in Boston when I was starting out. And she had one of those bodies where you just. Literally, if she walks in the room, every guy could be talking to his newlywed wife. She's still got the dress on, and he's gonna turn his back to her and look at this body. She moves out to LA to do some acting. And about a year later, you remember Cinemax, like the softcore. One of those came out and it got on a VHS that got passed around. And CSI could have done a season on what was on that VHS tape with a black light.

[Adam Carolla]

I do have a. Well, we started off by talking about eccentricities or bits and mouse or pulling carts or crushing cockroaches and all the weird stuff. Right. And I don't have any of that, but I've stumbled on to a newer one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I can't figure out whether I'm ashamed of it or not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm gonna be honest with you, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I feel like that's what the Adam Carolla show is about. It's about you finding the things you're embarrassed about and then sharing them with your.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd be curious if anyone else had this thought, but it struck me that the on Golden Blonde experience was so transformative and life changing and exciting for us as young men. But I realize every porn you see stars a woman who comes from a high school that had 25 dudes who went to high school with her. And especially if it's like one where she's got a big rack. Those guys in high school were all about the rack. Never got a shot of the rack. Fantasized about peeking into the women's shower room. But for every one of those women, there's a high school guy who went to school with them that is watching this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I'm not getting anything out of it other than it's a good looking chick with a nice rack and a porn. But I don't have the extra added dimension of I went to high school. I only get that with Christy Canyon. You got half of it with the Skinemax. Boston comedian. Most guys, I would reckon, don't really have that experience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. And I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone who's watching what you're watching right now on your phone or on your tv, there's a bunch of guys who went to high school with that chick that are enjoying themselves a lot more than you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it also is an opportunity to sort of download the 2.0 version of the Girl. Because if, like, if there's a girl. There was a girl, Ashley Peterson, that I went to high school with, and she was very beautiful and she was a regular. She was page one in the Rolodex. I went to her often.

[Adam Carolla]

Often. Into the spank bank.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Into the spank bank. Now 59, that card's still in the Rolodex. But then I stop and I go, wait a minute, Greg, she's 16, she's underage. Am I allowed to access that? Am I in fact grandfathered in for Ashley Peterson or do I have to take that card out of the Rolodex?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think as long as you're a contemporary, just like you would have been allowed to date them at 16 if you were 16. But if you're 59 and 16, I think you can timestamp it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, okay. Cause I've struggled with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've heard, I've seen it. I can see it in your eyes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I tell you a story just off topic?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I go to Alaska last weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love Alaska.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Two weekends ago. Yeah. And I'm doing this club in Fairbanks, and I say to the guy that runs the club, I said, I want to do something kind of outdoorsy. I mean, I'm in Alaska. Let me do something. So he calls me back, and he goes, there's this guy. I'm forgetting his first name, but his last name. I won't. I shouldn't even. I'm not gonna say his last name. So he goes, he's got an outdoors company, snowmobiles and ATVs. And he's a fan of yours, and he's really excited to take you out. I said, amazing. But then I'm also a little bit nervous because, you know, I grew up in New York, and I've been here for 25 years. I'm soft. I'm not an outdoorsy guy. And these Alaska guys, you know, I'm just picturing this is like a guy who's. I'm gonna be cold by the end of the day, and something's gonna hurt. So he picks me up, and he's got a monster truck. The wheels are as tall as I am, and he's towing this dune buggy covered in mud. And I'm like, oh, here we go. I get in the truck, and we start driving. It turns out he's just the nicest guy. He's older than me. He's retired. And so I was like, all right, we're gonna have a nice day. Alarm siren goes off behind us. We're getting pulled over by the cops. And he goes, this is bad. I go, I don't think you did anything wrong. And he goes, this is bad. So cop starts walking towards the car, and he. I'm not making a word of this up. He hands me a baggie with white powder in it, and part of it spills on my leg, and he goes, get rid of this. So I stick it in the back seat under the. Under. The cop walks up. He goes, license and registration. And the guy goes, grab my registration out of the glove box. So I open the glove box, and another baggie with pills and $100 bills starts to pop out.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I shove it back in with the back of my hand. I cover it with a piece of paper, and the cop goes, what are you hiding? I said, oh, great. Now I'm an accomplice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I hand him the bag of drugs, and he tells us to put our hands on the dashboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so he says to the guy, he's gonna run this guy's license. He runs it we got our hands on the dashboard. He comes back, he goes, sir, do you realize there's an outstanding felony warrant? And he goes, yeah. And then the cop goes, are there any firearms in the car? And I'm thinking, naturally, yeah, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

They got a grenade launcher and a bazooka.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he goes, no, I don't have one. So he takes him out of the car and he handcuffs him and he brings him back to the. I'm sitting there going, like, I got a fucking show tonight, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so the cop walks back and. And he goes, I'm not coming closer to you because that's fentanyl on you.

[Kevin Federline]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Asked me for my license. I give it to him and I go, dude. I go, I'm a comedian. I go, I just met this guy 20 minutes ago. I have no idea. And he goes, he goes, I'm not buying it. He's like, you're from California. That's a drug feeder state. Was the first feeder. And then he goes, and I don't believe you're a comedian. You're not funny. I'm like, I'm sorry, I wasn't on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he goes. He goes, all right, well, are you feeling any effects from the. I go, yeah. I said, I'm extremely lightheaded. I feel very off. So he goes, well, I have one of those pens.

[Adam Carolla]

The Narcan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Narcan. Back in the car. So he goes, get out of the car. Just walk carefully. So I start walking and we go back to the police car. And he opens up the back door, and the guy who is driving me gets out, and then they both look at me and they go, we're coming to your show tonight. And they started laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I fell on the ground on all fours out of relief. And I couldn't stop laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the greatest. That's unbelievable. Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And out of Alaska. I didn't expect Alaska, guys. I didn't know they had this in them.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was great.

[Adam Carolla]

That is awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they took me to a bar, the ice bar. There's this place, it's a hot springs. And then it's got a building made out of ice.

[Kevin Federline]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there's a bar that's made out of ice. And we sat there and they proceeded to drink six to seven appletinis, frozen appletinis. And then I'm like, we're an hour away at this point from where we started, I go, how the fuck are we getting home? And I go, I'm driving. So now I'm behind the wheel of this fucking monster truck with a dune buggy behind me and these two guys are laughing at me the entire way home. They got me.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you, I played the same club and I did not make any fans when I announced on stage that I've been hearing about the fresh caught Alaskan salmon my whole life. I came here, I pulled some out of the river, we cooked it up, it was fine, but no better than the shit I get frozen at Trader Joe's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You said that.

[Adam Carolla]

I said it and I meant it. I said, if you took the Trader Joe's flash frozen stuff and you cooked it next to this, I would not know. And that whole bar, that entire place turned on me in an instant. And I said, I am being serious. And I would challenge you guys to tell the difference either. I did not make any new fans. All right, Kevin Federline, who I never thought I'd be interviewing, is gonna join us. He's got a new book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was just reading about it. In the book he reveals. Can I talk about this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so he reveals that Britney, he tried to stop her because she was breastfeeding the baby while doing cocaine. And my first thought was, all right, first of all, not the first guy to be jacked up on coke, sucking on those titties.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, and secondly, I bet the baby started talking young and wouldn't shut the fuck up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, because I got the coke. Yeah, right. Fitz Dog is going to be. Well, it's gonna be in Chicago. It's gonna be Appleton, Wisconsin. You should go. And he's doing a. Oh, Comedy Store. That's out here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The best buddies benefit.

[Adam Carolla]

Gregfitsimmons.com if you want to see a really great comedian, have all the dates around. All right, we'll bring in K Fed right after this. Homes.com. some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. Some that'd be me. I love that site. And it might be homes.com's super comprehensive and transparent agent directory. Or Maybe it's at. Homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing agent who knows the home the best. Perhaps it's homes.com. the fact that homes.com has the most in depth neighborhood content of any home shopping site that's extensively researched to highlight the personality of each neighborhood. Homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in depth info they need to find the right home and find it fast. Homes.com that is homes.com. we've done your homework, Rosetta Stone. You know, it falls kind of a reset button on the year, you know, cools down, football's on kids back in school. Maybe it's time for adults to learn something too. For me, I've always wanted to learn a new language. Mostly so I don't look like a tourist ordering lunch overseas. That's where Rosetta Stone comes in. These guys have been doing this for over 30 years. They make it simple. You can pick up a new language, Spanish, French, Japanese, you name it. Just a few minutes a day and before you know it, you're learning how to actually think in another language. They've got a thing called truaccent. Gives you instant feedback on your pronunciations. It's like having a patient, non judgmental teacher who never rolls their eyes at you. Unlike my high school Spanish teacher. You listen, Ms. Valdivia, if that is your real name. I like how easy it is to jump in whenever you've got time. Five minutes in between meetings or an hour at home with a cup of coffee. And if you want to go big, you can grab their lifetime membership and learn 25 languages. So you're basically set for life. So this fall, skip scrolling on your phone and do something that actually sticks with you with Rosetta Stone. Right, Dawson?

[Dawson]

Don't wait. Unlock your language learning potential. Now Adam Carolla show listeners can grab Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. That's unlimited access to 25 language courses for life. Visit RosettaStone.com Adam to get started and claim your 50 off today. Don't miss out. Go to Rosetta Stone.com Adam and start learning today.

[Adam Carolla]

And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show. Dateline Lee County, Florida.

[Kevin Federline]

Love.

[Adam Carolla]

A 54 year old man shot and killed his neighbor's pregnant cow. The man was charged with animal cruelty and grand theft of a commercial farm animal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Definitely not a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin Federline is joining us. He's in Hawaii with a beautiful vista behind him. Good to talk to you again, Kevin.

[Kevin Federline]

You too, man. You too. That's incredible introduction you got there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, the good people from Alco have been sponsoring that bit for over 20 years. God bless him. You thought you knew is the name of the memoir. It's available now everywhere. You guys have probably been hearing bits and pieces of this book come out. If you watch shows like I do, like TMZ I've been seeing Kayfed pop up here and there. Always in Hawaii, always jealous and talking about the book and we can get into that. I like your story as well. So you grew up in Fresno. I grew up in North Hollywood, California. So we're both sort of SoCal guys. Or at least I'm a SoCal guy. Fresno guy, not too far away. I don't know what's Fresno? Four hour drive or something. Five hours.

[Kevin Federline]

I used to do it in under three when I was younger.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Kevin Federline]

I got a couple tickets doing that, but yeah, it's just probably about 3 hour, 20 minute drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Same neck of the woods. And you grow up. Dad's a mechanic. Right. Mom's a bank teller. So just pedestrian kind of blue collar y stuff. Fresno's very blue collar. No glitz and glamour. Doesn't probably feel like California the way people would picture California who weren't from here.

[Kevin Federline]

Right, right. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

And just working class. So for you growing up, what's the plan? I guess dancing is sort of like singing. You sort of figure out you can do it early on.

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, I mean, I was a teenager when I really, you know, I mean, even when I was young, it was the music that really drove me to want to dance. So it's always been, you know, fueled by music. But yeah, growing up, you know, I started out probably 13 years old dancing. And during, you know, the later part of my teenage years, I ventured off into some other crazy lifestyle and found it again. Thank, thank God for my best friend, Jimmy Federico. You know, I talk about this in my book. It's like I feel like that friendly competition turned into something that allowed me to achieve dreams that I had always had since I was young.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you danced for and with, I guess, Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Aaliyah Elifo, Destiny's Child. So how would you rate yourself as a dancer? Cause I think people know you for other things, but they don't really think of you that way. But you have to be good, otherwise you don't get to dance with Michael Jackson.

[Kevin Federline]

Ryan, that's very, very true. That is very true. At one time I was, I was in the top, you know, percentage of dancers for sure. I absolutely loved it. And then, you know, I used dance to kind of. It was like my therapy growing up. So, you know, it became a part of me instead of just something to do. And I feel like I took that to the big leagues.

[Adam Carolla]

And how do you go about dancing for Michael Jackson or Destiny's Child or Justin Timberlake?

[Kevin Federline]

Well, some of Them, Michael, I had to audition for. And it really came down to me and one of my other best friends who was actually a choreographer for Justin Timberlake, Marty Koudelka. We were the last two in the room for the last spot for this Michael Jackson video. And, you know, it's kind of political at that point, you know, And I wound up getting it over him because I. I truly believe that Marty is. Marty's probably the better dancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then why did they want you if he's the better dancer?

[Kevin Federline]

I don't know. You know, that whole thing kind of played out weird. I had connections to the director and I had, you know, Marty had half the room pushing for him, and I had half the room pushing for. And then it wound up being that I got pulled down into Universal Studios backlot and this was weeks later, and they played the track and I talk about this in my book. And what really landed me the job was that they made me freestyle to you Rock my World before anybody had ever even heard it. And that's what got me the job over Marty.

[Adam Carolla]

And we say freestyle, they just go, I'm going to start playing this song, and you just move however it moves you.

[Kevin Federline]

That's right now I'm gonna play the record and you do your thing, you know, whatever it is you do, do it. Which is a tight place to be in, in that situation when you know that, you know, probably one of the best performers in the world of all time is going to be watching somehow, some way, whether it video or whatever. He saw it.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're dancing and you do which Michael Jackson video I did?

[Kevin Federline]

You Rock My World.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did the song. You freestyle too?

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah. Yes. Yep. Yep. So. And that was, you know, I got the pleasure of meeting Marlon Brando, Chris Tucker, you know, a lot of. Lot of big names at that time. And I mean, you know, in history, it was. It was a very, very good experience for me as a dancer. I felt like it was like the top of the top of everything.

[Adam Carolla]

And if we watch that video, we'll spot you.

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, you could spot me. I'm one of the guys on the end. I used to wear my hair in braids back then, so you can kind of see my braids sticking out like ponytails almost.

[Adam Carolla]

And like, for Destiny's Child or Timberlake. Are you doing videos or are you going out on tour?

[Kevin Federline]

So I did for those two, I did videos and I did performances at the Grammys, you know, all the award shows, things like that. I didn't wind up going on tour with either one of those two, I went on tour with Paint. You know, it's all a bunch of different types of things. Right. So you're doing music videos with different artists, you're doing tours with different artists, radio shows, award shows, commercials. I mean, it's just, you know, everything. Entertainment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. On the. On the subject of not nearly as glamorous, when I used to be a carpenter, I worked for, I got on sort of the celebrity assistant circuit. And you just got passed around like word got out. And then you just work and someone would call you and they know you work for Katey Seagal. So Scott Baio's guy would call you and you'd go do something for him. And it's just kind of word of mouth, like the. Is that kind of how it went for you?

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah. So it was, you know, in the beginning, you're really trying to establish, letting people know who you are and knowing that you're going to show up and knowing that you can actually do the choreography. And from there, for me, I just got better and better and better. And I learned all these different styles of dance of all these people that were working and, you know, people started talking and that was it. Once you start growing your resume, you know, then people see what you've done and that's it. Good work gets more work. I think I said that in the book.

[Adam Carolla]

So fast forward, you meet Britney Spears. Now, I didn't know this. I was guilty of it, too. I think people think you danced as a backup dancer for her just because they did the math. But you didn't.

[Kevin Federline]

That's right. That's right. I never danced for Brittany. No tours? No. You know, the only video I was ever in was after we were already together. But I did meet her through a dancer that was a mutual friend at a nightclub. And that's where it. All the sparks went flying from there.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you a big Britney Spears fan before you met her?

[Kevin Federline]

I mean, it wasn't really the music genre that I listened to personally. You know, I wasn't really a pop guy. I was always more of a hip hop and R and B guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you can speak to this, but there are musicians who just want to play, and the musicians who just want to play. You can find them on a stage in front of 13 people on a Sunday night because they just want to play. And there's comedians who just want to play. AUC comedians. They'll. They'll pop up everywhere all the time. And then there are guys that Quit. The second they get a sitcom and you talk to them and they haven't done standup in 20 years, it's because they don't really like standup. They just did it so they could get a sitcom and now they got a sitcom. They don't need to do standup anymore. And then there are guys who, with a sitcom and millions of dollars will be out on any given night at some club that's half full. Britney Spears and like, sort of. They didn't strike me as people that needed to get up on stage and play. They almost felt like creations to me who had ability but also didn't have a love, like a pure love for the game. Is that a correct assessment?

[Kevin Federline]

I think that's maybe yes and no, right? I think that. Because I could tell that she, she does love music, right? She, in her spare time, I mean, she would get on a piano and just try to create. Try to create. She had that very creative mentality. Now, getting up on stage in front of all of those people, getting up on stage in front of all those people, you know, I don't know. You know, that was like an up and down situation. It's like one minute you want to be up there and you want to do all of these things, in the next minute you want to run from it, you know, And I, I kind of, over the last 20 years, I understand that feeling, right? Because I've kind of been shown that everything that I wanted is everything that I hate, especially when it comes to Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

With Britney, it always just seemed like she had some underlying psychological deficits or issues and that that was just something that plagued her and she had to sort of deal with. And maybe it wasn't dealt with correctly, but it always seemed like she just had issues, for lack of a better term.

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, I mean, for me, I didn't really see it until later on. Right. I didn't see. I mean, there were signs, and I talk about this in my book too. There were things that I kind of passed off as, you know, her gaining fame at such a young age and being able to have the world at her fingertips and never being told no. And, you know, a lot of things that I, you know, I tried to put some type of perspective on while we were together. It wasn't until our divorce and seeing what happened from that and the spiral and all of that where it really became apparent to me that, yes, there's, you know, unfortunate things there.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you typify yourself as a normal guy from Fresno who was in a kind of abnormal environment.

[Kevin Federline]

100%. Right. 100%. I, I am exactly that. I'm just a normal guy. And I was put in an absolute extraordinary situation, One that I couldn't have prepared for in a thousand years, you know, and so that, that's kind of what the story of my life. Right. I got stuck navigating a situation that I had no idea what it was when I got into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you were young, like 26 when you guys met.

[Kevin Federline]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And so you didn't have any tools to really deal with that sort of in a weird way, it's like when some inner city kid signs a multimillion dollar contract to go to the NBA and he's 19 and they go, what do you spend that money on that junk jewelry for something? Because he doesn't know. He's totally ill equipped for this environment, this situation.

[Kevin Federline]

That's exactly right.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So was there any thoughts where you thought we should get into some counseling or we should talk to somebody or we should like figure this thing out?

[Kevin Federline]

Well, no, we didn't really get that chance, you know, because when, when it, when it went left, I mean, it really went left, you know, I mean, there was after the night of my album release party, I went to my lawyer because I knew that she was just done listening to anything that I had to say upon the topics. And you know, from there was five or six days after that, she filed for divorce. You know, and then, I mean, when you go through divorce in California, for us, especially since we had kids, yeah, we had to go to like therapy sessions per the court. But I mean, all of that was just basically trying to structure how you're going to manage your family. A broken family. Right. It was never like marriage counseling or anything like that. So, you know, we didn't get the opportunity to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, she comes from pretty humbling, humble environment, kind of out in the sticks and stuff. She probably wasn't prepared for any of this stuff either. I mean, you had two people who were ill equipped for this lifestyle, all of a sudden sort of put together in one mansion and told to figure it out.

[Kevin Federline]

Right. Yeah, I mean, I truly believe that's a very true statement. Right. It's. Neither of us were prepared for any of this. And I don't really know that you can prepare for fame like that. Right. And I talk about fame in my book and the way that I see it is like the most powerful drug on the planet. You know, I, I just don't know. And there's people that are out there that handle it well, and. And they, you know, they're off doing what they love to do, and. And. And they seem to manage it okay. But, I mean, that's few and far between. I mean, at some point it hits you and. And you get caught in this whirlwind of all kinds of things and adding your ego on top of that and thinking that you could conquer the world. I mean, it's just. It's a mess. It's a hard situation to do for anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you feel like people were condescending to you? Like you're, you know, Mr. Britney Spears? Like they didn't take you as seriously as you would like to have been taken?

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, I mean, you know, some of that is my own doing. Right. The way that I got into the situation, and I kind of explained that as well in the book, it's like I jumped into meeting the world by leaving my pregnant girlfriend for America's pop princess. I mean, I don't know what I expected out of that, but I mean, it definitely, you know, as soon as I think I say as soon as I became famous, I also became infamous. And that never really allowed people or people didn't even want to get to know who I really was from that point. It was just kind of like, this dude's a scumbag. He jumped out of his trailer and into her mansion. I mean, that's just kind of the attitude that took hold right from the start.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to break it to your pregnant girlfriend that you were interested in Britney Spears, or did you just say, I found somebody new or I'm breaking up with you? Because it turns it into a completely different situation when Britney Spears name gets worked into that conversation.

[Kevin Federline]

Right. Well, I mean, I go through, you know, this is one of the moments in my book where I really had to dig deep and. And come forward with the truth on all of that as well. Right. Even though I've apologized to Char about these things, I feel the way I handled that situation was horrible. You know, I. I did not. I was not truthful. And I let her figure things out on her own before I finally manned up and called her and talked to her about it, which was probably the worst thing that I could do, you know, and in my book, I apologize to my children for, you know, not being the person I should have been and not being the person I wanted to be at the time. But I was young, you know, and I was completely thrust into a relationship that was immediately everything to me. My connection with Brittany was just insane.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, when you're a young dude, you got hormones and chemicals and things pulsing through your veins that put you in a totally different space. That much different than when you get a little older and your prostate enlarges a little bit, you mellow out a little bit, you see things a little more clearly. But at that time, man, there's just so much energy, and you're very impulsive. Like, you'll do things that aren't thought out. And I was watching you on tmz, I think it was last week, and you were talking about a scene where on the eve of your wedding, Britney went out, made a phone call, was teary, said she was talking to Justin Timberlake, and then the next day you got married. And also, it reminded me that scene in Casino where Sharon Stone did the same thing with James woods, as I was thinking about it, but that would have given some guys pause. They would have stopped and said, maybe we shouldn't go through with the marriage tomorrow.

[Kevin Federline]

Right. And, I mean, I actually, in that moment, said that to her that, you know, I. We don't need to go through with this. Like, if. If there's doubts or any of those things that, you know, I wasn't there to get married right away. I was happy taking the time to really get to know each other and spend the years that it takes, you know, to make those decisions, you know, the right way. But also, I knew how she felt about me. Right. And I knew how we were with each other. So I kind of, you know, took it with a grain of salt at the time, you know, and the reason why I write about it in my book is because it really didn't come become apparent to me until I read her book. And all of the things that she was saying about Justin in her book, where it was like, okay, maybe there is something there that she just could never move past. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So what. Why. I don't get why she didn't lie to you. Like, she picked up the phone, she called Justin, presumably to go, look, the window's closing for good tomorrow when I get married. Do you have any change? My mind. Go ahead. This is your last chance. But if I had that conversation, I would have it very privately. And then I would hang up the phone, and then I would come back into the house and I would go. I was talking to the gardener. So I don't know why she admitted that, or did you overhear her?

[Kevin Federline]

No, no, I. You know, I walked out and saw her talking on the phone and crying. And initially I thought that maybe she was talking to her mom, and maybe she was getting cold feet or, you know, I. Whatever it was, and the fact that she was honest with me about it, I mean, I think that I really, in a way, I respected him. It. You know, and also, you know, when I think about it now, it's maybe. Maybe she was testing me, right, to see if I was still ready and still willing to do this even after hearing something like that. You know, I. I really don't know the full reasoning behind it, but, you know, looking back now, obviously we could. We could take a million guesses at what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's interesting that she was forthright. Like, she said, I was talking to Justin Timberlake and then crying. And then I guess my thing would have been, why were you crying? Or were you thanking him for the wedding gift? Or what was this transaction that was happening here? But I don't know. Did you dig into that or did you not want to know?

[Kevin Federline]

No, I mean, for me, I kind of looked at it like, I know that obviously they had something before us, and I know that, you know, there's still. There's still a friendship there. Not that they talk all the time, but I know, like, you know, they went through a lot together. I mean, even in her childhood, I. I think that they've been around each other since Mickey Mouse Club days. So, you know, I didn't. I didn't pry into it. I knew who I was as a. As a guy, and I knew that, you know, I was very solid and comfortable with who I was. And so if it.

[Adam Carolla]

Even.

[Kevin Federline]

Even if it was something to where it was like, I'm not ready for this. Maybe we need to take a break or take a pause in those moments. I would have been fine with that as well. Right. Trying to be understanding. By the time me and Brittany got together, I was not a jealous person. You know, I had already been through enough relationships and been through that jealousy. I was grown in those ways of, like, really knowing who I was. And. And, you know, so that. That's another piece of it to where I think that I was able to brush it off as. And kind of just take her word for it, you know? And then after that, I mean, things were great for a long time. You know, we were. We. We were really close. So I knew that she truly cared and truly loved me. I mean, we were there for each other and really deep in it with each other for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

And so when did things take a turn? And why did they take a turn? Do you think it Was drugs?

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't really say. I think that drugs play a part in it, obviously. I think that having children back to back probably played a part in it. And. And, you know, maybe I didn't see all the signs that I should have seen at the time to where we could have done, like, what you said and sat down and like, had some sessions about this. But, you know, I go into, into my book and talk about a moment where, you know, she fired the whole team of people that I trusted with my life and people that were like brothers to me. And that put me in a place where I just felt uncomfortable in my own home, you know, and that's just not a really great way to live. And then shortly after she had our second child is whenever my album release party happened and you know, the incident with me catching or doing drugs in my album release party and then going home and she was breastfeeding at the time, so. And I asked her, please don't go home and breastfeed the children. She got up, threw a drink in my face. I mean, and that's when I knew, like, she was done listening to reason with me. She. There was just. No, there was no question on that, you know, and so I went the next day and that's when I went to my lawyer and had him draft a letter demanding that she stopped breastfeeding the kids. And from there, a few days later, I completely blindsided by her filing for divorce. You know, I was still trying to process what had happened a week before.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it cocaine? Was that the drug of choice?

[Kevin Federline]

Yes. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And were you doing drugs at the time?

[Kevin Federline]

Not at the time. I did shortly after I got hit with the divorce and all these things started happening then, then I started diving back in. And I mean, I did my fair share of partying when I was a teenager, you know, and by the time I moved to la, I didn't really mess around with too much. I've always smoked weed, you know, and I drank occasionally. But while we were together, I, you know, I didn't. I smoke weed. She knew that the whole time we were together. But I didn't really drink when we were together, you know, I just, I was, I was enjoying the life, that life with her at the time. I didn't really even going out, you know, like, I did. I didn't like to go out as much. We would go out a couple of times every now and then, but it always just seemed like it became like a pain in the ass, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Kevin Federline]

With everybody following You. All these eyes on you, all of these things. It's just like, man, this isn't as fun as it used to be. And. And I was enjoying our time together more so at the house and. And working on music and doing all of these things. So, you know. But. But yes, once we got divorced, I. I fell too, you know, that's. That's my thing is, like, I'm not sitting here pointing fingers. I'm pointing fingers at myself, too. I wasn't perfect. I didn't. I didn't do. You know, I wasn't doing right by my family right away either.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there an ironclad prenup or what did you guys have in place?

[Kevin Federline]

I mean, gosh, it's been so long since I've even known. I mean, you're talking 20 years ago, so I. I don't really know. I mean, there was a prenup, ironclad. I don't. I don't know. You know, I mean, it definitely. As far as, you know, money went, I didn't care. I remember Mark Kaplan, my lawyer, and telling me, and I'm telling him, like, I don't care about the money. Like, we're going to be together forever. You know, I mean, he didn't. He'd even go out and tell people this, because that's the way that I thought back then, that I would never need this. And he was like, look, you'd be surprised. Obviously, a divorce lawyer in Los Angeles knows very well that where you think you're at, you might not wind up there within a year or two. Yeah, I mean, we had one. What the details are in it. I mean, it's. I don't. I'm. I'm not 100% sure because I haven't looked at it in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

But you just honored it. I mean, just went by what was on. On the pre.

[Kevin Federline]

Yeah, yeah. 100%. Like, when we got divorced, I honored it 100%. I mean, this was, you know, was. Wasn't about the money. Never was. You know, for me, I got married because I was madly in love, you know, and I had a life with her that even now, I. Look, I can look back on. And, I mean, there's so many moments that I'm proud of. There's so many things that I can hold on through. Hold on to through everything that's followed that, you know, I'm happy. You know, there were happy times there. There were really good moments.

[Adam Carolla]

When's the last time.

[Kevin Federline]

Look, she gave. She gave me, like, two of the greatest things in my life, in my sons. Right. So, you know, I'm very thankful for the, for that.

[Adam Carolla]

When's the last time you guys spoke?

[Kevin Federline]

Oh, man, it's been years, five, six years at least. I mean, it's been a very, very long time.

[Adam Carolla]

And last question, what do you kind of hope for her and what do you think that would mean? Does it mean therapy? Does it mean the conservatorship stuff? Does it mean living in a sober house? Does it mean not performing? Does it mean getting remarried and, but finding Jehovah or Christianity? Like, what, what would you recommend or hope for?

[Kevin Federline]

I mean, I, you know, I, I don't know. Like, I don't, I don't have the answers. I feel like, you know, we've tried so much privately. We've tried so much, you know, and then even, even doing that, so much has been public. And just the situation that we're in right now, it's like, how, how do you get through? How do you get somebody help? I mean, we know anybody that looks at the situation for what it is knows that help is needed. Right? But how do you get help for somebody that doesn't think they need help? I mean, it's just, it's a hard situation for my kids. Right. Like, that is the main thing, is that what I hope is that she's here for a long time, you know, and right now that's all that I could hope for because I don't know how to get through, you know, other than letting her know that there's many people around her right now that absolutely love her and want to be there and want to help. And you got to let them in, man. You just got to let them in. That choice starts with her, the book.

[Adam Carolla]

You thought you knew, available everywhere. Kevin, I'm glad I got a chance to speak to you, and I hope we can do it again soon.

[Kevin Federline]

Absolutely, man. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Kevin federline. We'll take a quick break and we'll do news right after this. O'Reilly autopilot, pow. Yeah, you know the tune and you know the guys that keep your car on the road. You don't want to end up stuck on the shoulder like some kind of dope. Friendly, helpful service, people who actually know their stuff, not some kid who'd rather be on his phone or maybe is on his phone when you're trying to get some help out of him. O'Reilly's always been my place. I mean, way back in the day when I was just wrenching on my truck. I would use O'Reilly now. It's for my vintage race cars. But they got to work on that track. And that's why I go to O'Reilly. Thousands of parts and accessories stocked in store or online so you don't have to panic when the check engine light comes on. Need wipers swapped, brake lights out. These pros help you find what you need or they'll hook you up with a local shop if you're not the DIY type. So whether you're a gearhead or don't know a lug nut from a donut, they'll walk you right through it. No attitude, real help. Stop by today o'reillyauto parts or you can visit us online at o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam select quote all right, time for a little life talk. Life insurance talk, that is. Yeah, because you probably have it, but you don't know how much you're paying or how much the coverage is or how much you're covered for. It's a little confusing. Odds are you're paying too much for too little. Let's just call it that. And here's a fun thought. If your life insurance is through your job and you get laid off, boom. Coverage gone. Buying life insurance is like hiring a bodyguard for your bank account after you're gone. But seriously, Select Quote makes it easy. They've been doing this for over 40 years, helping more than 2 million Americans get over 700 billion in coverage. They don't work for some big one size fits all company. They work for you in about 15 minutes. Select Quotes Licensed Agents Compare policies from top rated carriers to find the best fit for your health, your budget and your life. And they do it for free. Am I right, Dawson?

[Dawson]

Get the right life insurance for you for less and save more than [e-mail] Carolla save more than 50% on term life [e-mail] Carolla today to get started. That's SelectQuote.com Carolla it's time to check. ADAM Voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man. This is Pete from Malden in Pennsylvania. I was watching college football yesterday and I noticed there's no more beer commercials. The happened to this country. Get it on.

[Dawson]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think there's beer commercials during college games. They don't let them drink it, which is so weird. We're archaic and weird.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh you mean that we don't allow college students to drink? I'm like, they're drinking at college games allowed.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we don't allow in the commercial for them to drink the beer.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh, it's just them showing it.

[Adam Carolla]

They can show it, they can toast and they can bring it up to their lips, but they cannot actually drink it. So it's always weird because they toast. Like in those Modelo commercials, they go, you worked hard, you learned the art of automotive upholstery, and you hitchhiked from Tijuana to Los Angeles. Now you run an upholstery shop. And they show them all in the back, in the kitchen, or at the upholstery shop, wherever they are, and they hoist their beer, they click them, and then they all go down to their waist and it's like, well, last I checked, once you clink the beers, then you take a. You take a drop off the beer. It's bad luck.

[Fitz Dog]

You're not supposed to, like, you're not supposed to cheer.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't cheer and then go back down to your waist. You gotta go into your soup cooler.

[Fitz Dog]

It's funny, I saw a Corona commercial the other day, and now that you. I didn't even put that together. It's like the guy was, like, pushing the lime into the bottle, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they don't sip thing. Again, we're weirdos. Because I don't know who you're offending here or even what laws we're breaking. I mean, these are old laws, I.

[Fitz Dog]

Guess, but I think they probably were around. Well, if children are watching the game, we don't want children to be enticed to drink. So we're showing. I know, it's dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

You're showing the product and you're implying we're at a barbecue with my Mexican buddies. We're obviously going to put down a few modelas Sunday.

[Fitz Dog]

Funday, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Anyway, where were you? Oh, you've earned it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hold it up.

[Dawson]

Hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't just give an extra hand. You give your whole heart. Because it feels good to raise up the community that raised you. You are a fighter, and this is your reward. Medela. The mark of a fighter. That was like, hey, let's go tap some beers together. Right? And then back to your hip. And then back to talking at the barbecue. So we're just gonna.

[Fitz Dog]

It's a very well ironed shirt for a barbecue.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And also, one of those people would take. Should take a sip out of their beer. Not all three of them. Shouldn't go down to their side. I always do that thing, too. You know, when they. You order drinks at a restaurant and then your drink shows up. I'm always, like, leaning in a drink and someone's looking at me going, we should do a. And I'm like, oh, yeah, all right.

[Fitz Dog]

I mean, you don't always cheers or toast.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not always.

[Fitz Dog]

That happened to me yesterday. My drink came before other people's drink, and I was like, I really want to take a sip of that, but I didn't want to be rude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's r. I know, but it. It does. It never bothers anyone anyway. All right, news. What do you got with the news?

[Fitz Dog]

Got some things that bother me, and I think they're going to bother you, too. A Chicago elementary teacher mocked Carly Charlie Kirk's assassination with a gesture to her throat. We have video of it right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Fitz Dog]

At a no Kings protest over the weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here we go.

[Fitz Dog]

Look at this lovely lady.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She's doing the bang, bang, bang, bang. The neck.

[Fitz Dog]

A lot of. So the young man in the truck was obviously taking video and driving by in a pickup truck with a flag calling Charlie Kirk a hero. And a lot of people were flipping the bird. But that lovely lady right there who teaches elementary school students in a Chicago suburb at Nathan Hill Elementary School, of course, gestured to put her finger to her neck and pretend to pull a trigger, saying, bang, bang. It's unclear if she was fired or faced any disciplinary action. Chicago public schools said they, quote, remain committed to creating and maintaining a welcoming, safe and inclusive teaching and learning environment free from harassment, bias, or harm of any kind.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me just say this.

[Fitz Dog]

What school they at Nathan Hale Elementary School in Chicago, Illinois.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that the skipper from Gilligan's Island?

[Fitz Dog]

Is that. Yeah. Was that his real life name?

[Adam Carolla]

Alan Hale. But who's keeping track? Here's my point. If my kid was in the fourth grade at Nathan Hale in Chicago with their progressive teachers unions, and that kid had a grilled cheese sandwich, and that kid chewed the grilled cheese sandwich so it was in the shape of a handgun and then held it up, he would be suspended.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they would probably call the cops.

[Fitz Dog]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And they would pull him out of the cafeteria, they'd assign him a therapist, and they'd sign him a therapist. And they'd be. Put him in the office. And then I'd get the call at work that I had to come pick him up. And I would say, why? And they'd go, well, he took a grilled Cheese. And he bit into it in such a way that it kind of resembled a handgun. And so we're gonna have him arrested. But this bitch can do the gun to the jugular all she wants, and they're never gonna fire her or discipline her. Does that make sense to you? Does that sound consistent to you? I never thought I would hate teachers more than I did when I was in junior high, but I officially hate them all. Covid put me over the top. Teachers unions are the worst. Teachers all LA Unified. The whole Covid shutdown thing, you're all fucking horrible. I hate teachers now. You're just there to indoctrinate kids now. And the double standard of if you brought nail clippers to that campus, you would be arrested and they would call the cops. But this fat cow can put a finger to her neck and simulate the assassination of a young man who died a month ago. No problemo. And they'll fight for her future.

[Fitz Dog]

It is very cowardly that Chicago Public Schools refused to make comment. They said, oh, please refer to our website. The elementary school's website, by the way, was totally taken down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Fitz Dog]

Because I'm sure they're getting hit up by people all across the country, including upset parents, and rightfully so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. So these are the people that are teaching your kids. And here's the thing, everybody, if you want to know what's going on, this is their ideology. And they cannot separate it from their work and what they do. And also, your job is to shape the hearts and minds of young people. So if this is your ideology and you're shaping the hearts and minds of young people, then you're going to shape them toward your ideology to be potential.

[Fitz Dog]

Assassins for people that they may or may not politically disagree with.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, do not take this. Take this in the spirit in which it's intended. Women have a difficult time doing a thing where they go, look, this is how I feel. Like, I always separate the feelings from the accent. I am a full fledged vegan. I believe meat is murder. I don't think animal protein should be consumed. I think a cow and a pig have every bit the right to live as we do, and we're all God's creatures. But I will sit there and watch you eating a pulled pork sandwich, and I won't say a fucking word. I've never met that woman. I've never met her.

[Fitz Dog]

They feel kind of like the guys that do CrossFit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Fitz Dog]

They feel the need to tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

They feel the need to put that on you. I've Never met that woman. And maybe that's a good quality because maybe that's why they're good with the mommies. Yes, but it's not good when you're teaching kids to lay your shitty ideology on them. But I know you can't help it.

[Fitz Dog]

I want all of the parents at Nathan Hale elementary to contact the Post and other outlets that are now covering this and share the stories that, you know, exist of those fourth graders. We don't know what grade she taught specifically. She, of course, has not reached out to comment to the media. But like what? Like, so you're telling me she's telling. She's teaching eight, nine year olds and she's never brought up like, after the election or the Dobbs decision politics.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you imagine sitting in her class with a MAGA hat on?

[Fitz Dog]

She'd have you expelled.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes.

[Fitz Dog]

She would say with speech or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Fitz Dog]

She's one of those ladies that's like, never had a boyfriend and never been pregnant, but she's upset about women losing their rights.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, she kind of looked pregnant there. That could have just been a little Panace slopping over the waistband.

[Fitz Dog]

I just love how the Chicago Public Schools has said that they do not comment on specific personnel matters.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I love it when people who don't weigh in go, we don't weigh in. Yeah, I'm sure you weighed in on George Floyd and the need to B B equity.

[Fitz Dog]

They probably even took a day off. They weighed in on like the genocide and Gaza.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they weigh in on everything except for when they get into trouble and then they don't weigh in.

[Fitz Dog]

But I mean, so now there's this story about this candidate for Senate in, in Maine that has like a. Not a straight up Nazi tattoo. Not like the Pete had said they thought it was a Nazi tattoo, but it's a military tattoo. And you have that leaked chat by these idiot, you know, young Republicans that were using, saying that they loved Hitler and using like Nazi code and crap. There was so much media attention about that group chat for a week, a solid week. You had this candidate in Maine, nothing. You have this teacher in Chicago, nothing. And then you have liberals who will openly post jokes about Charlie Kirk memorials being a fountain with water coming out his neck, stimulating him, bleeding to death.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Fitz Dog]

But no, no, no, alas, those never get coverage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, they are super angry and somewhat violent and I've always known it. Cause I had a hippie mom and all the flower power and peace and love and all that was Bullshit. It's all veneer. There's rage just beneath the surface. And they do tons of projection. Like, they accuse you of being cruel and angry. Yes, yes. It's all just projection. He's evil, he's cruel, he's racist. Like, okay, all right. You're the one who's super angry all the time. And if you agitate them, it just comes out. They can't help it. It's basically, you could poke at certain people for a while, but if you poke at Mike Tyson, you'll get punched. It's just kind of who he is. You know what I mean? And that's who they are. They cannot stop. And it's also, there's an impulse problem they have. Like, they can't prevent themselves. Like, that woman gets triggered and immediately goes right into the Charlie Kirk dance, you know? But anyway, I don't, you know, it's kind of a fine line because you go, free speech. And this was off school grounds and not during school hours.

[Fitz Dog]

Can protest at all she wants. But when you take an action, like, when I saw that, I was like, oh, if that girl's on a green card, I hope Marco Rubio deports her. Because it's like, any action I am fine with. Like, you know, start with that. Start calling all of the illegal immigrants or even legal immigrants that are here that are wishing death on Americans. You don't belong.

[Kevin Federline]

Right.

[Fitz Dog]

Clearly, if she's born here, she has different rights. She has a right to free speech. But that is like, I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Is that an incitement of violence? Like, you're not allowed to?

[Adam Carolla]

I would say that if you work with kids, there's a different standard than if you work at the ford factory assembling F150s. And I would be amenable to that. Just like, I would say airline pilots have a different standard when it comes to sobriety than construction workers.

[Fitz Dog]

Or a brain surgeon.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a brain surgeon. So I would go, I'm okay with slightly different standards. And a construction worker can tie one on Super Bowl Sunday and show up Monday morning and swing a hammer. No one really cares. But I don't think we'd want our airline pilots doing that.

[Fitz Dog]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So I think we're allowed to make distinctions. And what I would say is, I.

[Fitz Dog]

Don'T want that teaching my second grader.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. All right, next story.

[Fitz Dog]

Next story is people freaking out. It was men and women, though. And this was in CBS Mornings co host's Instagram page, Gayle King. So Gayle King and our buddy over at Fox News, Jesse Waters, were on a four hour cross country flight together. And she posted a photo with the caption that these friends from tv, from competing networks. She said, speaking for Jesse Waters here, a good time was had by all. Hi, Jesse. Saving your number. People were very upset in the comments. They said she was trying to suck up to Barry Weiss, who, of course is the new editor in chief of CBS News over there. Some people said, gail, this is not it.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, one of Mike August's greatest things is this is mostly for you, Dawson. But he'll go. I did a thing with Bari Weiss a few months ago in Austin, but he'll go. He'll go. Bari Weiss says we should be at the theater by seven. I'll go. I think she goes by Barry. Bari. Barry. Who cares? I go, well, she cares, Mike. Yeah, well, she spells it B A, R, I. Mike. She just. It's Barry. I don't know. It's just Barry. I. I know you. I know. Who cares? But I don't know. Who cares? I don't know. Why do we have names? I don't know.

[Dawson]

I remember he was really excited about booking the band Doken. Remember Doken was gonna be on I Love Dawkin.

[Fitz Dog]

My name is Elisha, not Alicia. Mike.

[Adam Carolla]

Just throwing that out there and. Oh, God. Oh, Oh, I had that. Sorry. I'll think. I think it was Matt Welsh versus Matt Walsh. But every time I go, I go, mike. Mike. That's not the guy's name. He goes, oh, whatever. All right, well, whatever, fine. Except for when you talk to the person, you make it. Call them the wrong. There's potential here. Let's just change it.

[Fitz Dog]

So other commentators.

[Adam Carolla]

Barry wanted what?

[Fitz Dog]

So some people were saying that Gayle is just trying to suck up to Barry. Some people, of course, stoop to the Nazi. Nazi, Jesse. All he does is lie. Oprah's tone deaf bestie is not reading the room.

[Adam Carolla]

I always like tone deaf.

[Fitz Dog]

The tone deaf. Like whose? Whose tone?

[Adam Carolla]

Like you think your tone is in.

[Fitz Dog]

Tune with the rest of the country.

[Adam Carolla]

They're on a United flight, sitting in first class. What tone are we talking about, Gail? Listen, Jesse's a nice guy. Most folks are nice. And when they come together, it's almost like most fighters getting back to the Mike Tyson thing. Most fighters are pretty chummy out of the ring. It's a job. And their job is to annihilate you in the ring. But outside the ring, they understand that's how it works.

[Fitz Dog]

This is something I saw, like, in previous life, you know, when I worked for Hannity, he and Al Sharpton would do debates. He and Chris Matthews would go after each other on tv back when Chris Matthews had an MSNBC show. But, like, you'd see him in the halls at the DNC, the RNC at LaGuardia, and everybody's nice to each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Fitz Dog]

And they should be nice. I think that sometimes right and left get this wrong where it's like, yeah, why would. Why. And I'm, you know, I don't think that Jesse's fans are going to be like, why are you taking a picture with her? But some hardcore righties might.

[Adam Carolla]

The left is less tolerant. And the left is less tolerant. Well, they should be less tolerant because if, let's say, you know, Don Jr. Is taking a picture with Bill Maher, or Don Junior's taking a picture with George Clooney or whomever on that side of the side of the aisle. Jimmy Kimmel. Okay, so according to the people that watch, Don Jr. Is taking a picture with someone he disagrees with, but Jimmy Kimmel's taking a picture with Hitler, which is a greater offense. You see what I'm saying?

[Fitz Dog]

Well, yeah. Like, when Gutfeld was on with Kimmel, I remember being like, oh, this is nice. They're coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, he was on.

[Fitz Dog]

Or was he on with Kimmel? No, sorry, Fallon.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was Fallon. But the point. The point is, Jimmy, the point is this. If no one should be posing for pictures with Hitler, yes, you can pose. If you play for the Dodgers and you play for Toronto, we can take a picture together. We're on separate teams. But if you play for the Toronto Hitlers, then I really shouldn't be taking a picture with you. And so more protesting comes from the left because they're the ones who call the other person Hitler.

[Fitz Dog]

And if you're authoritarian and you actually pose with a terrorist sympathizer, then you might be mayor of New York City.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's how the game works.

[Fitz Dog]

So remember when. Along those lines, like, remember when Biden went to some firehouse or something in Pennsylvania, and the guy, like, was like, will you wear this hat? And it was like a MAGA hat. And he threw it on and he smiled and he, like, patted the guy on the back and very like.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's like, in like a. That's like when you put a party hat on your dog and your dog doesn't even know, like, what's going on. You know what I mean? Like, come on, Rusty. This is funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

And the dog's, like, walking sideways a little bit. Doesn't. Doesn't really get what's happening. But I like you in human years. You're 40 today. Rusty. I made a cake out of. Out of gizzards. And the dog's like, I don't know. It's, like, scraping against stuff, like, trying to get off that. That was. It wasn't like Joe Biden was endorsing anybody. He didn't know what was going on.

[Fitz Dog]

Well, I think that he was cogent in that moment and didn't know what was going on. And it just goes to show how when he called Trump a fascist and dangerous to democracy and all that stuff, like, to me, it shows that he doesn't believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't believe it at all.

[Fitz Dog]

Karine Jean Pierre still believes, though, that he was totally fine to run for president. We have some video of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I like this. I like this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw a guy who I had.

[Adam Carolla]

Not seen backstage at the benefit that I did. It seemed like a dramatically different person.

[Kevin Federline]

And at 81 years old, that's not entirely unexpected.

[Adam Carolla]

You can imagine why people got so worried.

[Gayle King]

So a couple of things. I got to see Joe Biden almost every day. And this is a question that I take very seriously. I never. No one has ever said, he has an age. No one ever said that. He would make jokes about it. He would acknowledge it, and he would say, yes, I know I don't speak this as well as I used to. I don't walk as well as I used to. No one is saying that. That he didn't age. I'm talking about, was he. Did he have the questions that I was getting, the mental acuity, Was he able to govern? And the man that I saw nearly every day was someone who was engaging, understood policy, and was always.

[Adam Carolla]

I've a lone clapper. I know that's not a lone clap. I'll tell you how that works. This is the job I want. I want to do this job. There's a guy, everyone. Whenever you watch Timeout with Bill Maher, there's one guy out there. And George Clooney will go. Last time I checked, I thought we're living in a democracy. And you'll hear. And then the whole, everyone jumps in.

[Fitz Dog]

Everyone's supposed to follow in.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone jumps in. Like, there's one guy who's always premature, clapper guy, but he works there, and he's the audience warmup guy, whatever. And you'll hear him just clap. He'll get, like, two Claps in. And then that signals to everyone, like he just said something that had a lot of gravitas behind it, but probably doesn't mean anything. But that's when you jump in. At some point they go, I'm sorry, to me, they're not Republican children, they're not Democratic children. They're just hungry children and they need to be fed. And then everyone jumps in, right?

[Fitz Dog]

But nobody jumped in.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy playing again, he's like, I got a good. So they stand in there and they go, you're in charge of clappable moments. When you hear like a good.

[Fitz Dog]

Able to govern.

[Adam Carolla]

When you hear a good clappable moment, like someone says something or punctuates something or whatever. Like they have to say something. Like, you say what you want about Joe Biden, but he's still a man. When you hear something like that, that's when you. It doesn't have to make sense. And it could be a lie and it probably is bullshit. But you clap. You just start. Everyone. You're the clapping kindling. You kindle the clapping fire.

[Fitz Dog]

And he gets paid for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, watch, we'll play it.

[Gayle King]

Did he have the questions that I was getting? The mental acuity? Was he able to govern? And the man that I saw nearly every day was someone who was engaging, understood policy, and was always putting the American people.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. I wonder if they pull that guy aside, like into the office and like. Rob, you've had four premature claps in this many shows. You've lost your fastball.

[Fitz Dog]

No, probably not. Cuz they're all lefties too. So they wanted the audience to clap, but the audience is just sitting there and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but as the Clapper starter, you gotta know, like, if you don't get that audience to go with you.

[Dawson]

They'Re not going to go with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Distracting. That's right. We've lost confidence in you. And they probably show up like the pitcher taking the guy off the mound. Like, put the windbreaker on. We're going back to the dugout. And it's like, I got more clapping. Me, coach. Yeah.

[Dawson]

Okay, we're going to bring in the closer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're going to bring in the closer. Clapper. The Clapper closer. Yeah. I want to see the clip of her, Andrew, that I gave you earlier today where she does the. As a black woman, which I love, when she makes the rounds and does as a black woman and as a black lesbian. That's my favorite part. Especially the thing that's comical is the only reason you have this job is because you're a black lesbian. And then they act like all the.

[Fitz Dog]

Hurdles they had to overcome isn't the comms director. I mean, it's not as important as the secretary. All the cabinet meetings he was missing and how we now know that they. He would just send staffers into those, or the staffers would just go without him. But I would think that comms is pretty important because you're doing that press briefing every single day. My understanding from Dana Perino, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Caroline Levitt, et cetera, was that you have meetings or you have a rundown with the president every single day about issues because she's the person in the hot seat having to address the press every day. And she just said there, she's like, I saw him almost every day. Yeah, why don't you talk to him every day?

[Adam Carolla]

I listen. I like to play the game. Stupid or liar. She could be kind of simultaneously, like, she could be a Reese's Peanut butter cup of stupid and liar. Like, part stupid and part liar. She's definitely dumb and she lies. But this clip. This clip is great, but what's happening.

[Gayle King]

With the leadership, more of the leadership, Democratic Party side of things? They're actually throwing people under the bus who are vulnerable people.

[Kevin Federline]

Pause.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know they were actually throwing vulnerable people under the bus.

[Fitz Dog]

I feel like that'd make some headlines.

[Adam Carolla]

If they physically threw vulnerable people. They're actually throwing people. It's actually funny because she can't speak clearly, which is one of the prerequisites of her job, but. All right, we'll play.

[Gayle King]

Keep playing it on the party side of things. They're actually throwing people under the bus who are vulnerable and need protection as a black woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, pause there, Helen. I love the body language. I love when they lean back. As a black. Oh, my God, you're a black woman. I didn't know that. I've never met a black woman, man. Esther Rolle from Good Times is the only black woman I've ever heard of. And historically. But okay, as a black woman. Okay, as a black woman. She's gonna explain that the Democratic Party is throwing black women under the bus. Also, there's a fundamental problem. They're not supposed to do shit for you. They're just supposed to do shit for the country. And then you could benefit. The mindset of, what are you doing for us as a black woman is very flawed, but we'll hear her out.

[Gayle King]

Julie. Throwing people under the bus who are vulnerable and need protection as A black woman who has walked through the walls of the White House and been parts.

[Adam Carolla]

She means walk through the halls. She's not Kool Aid.

[Fitz Dog]

She's a ghost.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that's funny about her, she can't speak in this. You know, she's a DEI hire. She's having trouble putting the sentence together. As a black woman who's walked through the walls and through the subflooring and through the attic and ceiling and roofing.

[Fitz Dog]

And fireplace flu, I'm empathetic as a often tired gal who can stumble on words and talks with my hands a lot, but her hand motions are very distracting.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the hallowed walls? How about walls? The Mentholatum lozenge? Hmm. How about the game show host Monty walls? Okay, going too deep. All right, Dawson got this one.

[Gayle King]

But me, who are vulnerable and need protection as a black woman who has walked through the walls of the White House and been part of this party for a very long time, I believe, and this is my personal opinion, that we get forgotten and that, by large part, the Democratic Party does not see us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Pardon me. I feel like all they do is kiss black ass on the Democratic Party. And if they're black and you're a woman, that's all you got for the Democratic Party. So I don't see the forgotten.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh, don't forget the lesbian part.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the lesbian.

[Fitz Dog]

As a black lesbian woman, she's ticking all the boxes. The only thing she could be doing better is maybe be a white man who claims to be a black woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but we're not even there yet. All right, so the left has turned their back on black women.

[Fitz Dog]

Specifically green Jean Pierre, who has a book deal and it's on a tour right now and gets to go on late night tv.

[Adam Carolla]

What does it mean to turn your back on black women? Like, what were you supposed to do?

[Fitz Dog]

And are they throwing them under the bus or are they turning their backs on them?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a good point. I think there's kind of turning their back and then throwing them over their shoulder under the bus. And that's what's happening in 2025. From this person who. I like long hair on a woman. And I rarely say this, but she should have kept her hair up.

[Fitz Dog]

I literally said to some of the guys earlier, I was like, typically, her attire and her makeup and hair are flawless across the board. Like, I don't like her, agree with her politically, but, like, I'm like, good on the outfits, girl. This is not a good look. It's like a cute dress, but not for television. It's messing with the camera. I don't like the eye makeup on her. I don't like the longer hair and I don't like the highlights. She needs to go back to like.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, orange is not a good highlight.

[Fitz Dog]

Like, it's. She needs to go back. She looks really great in bright color. She's a stunning woman.

[Adam Carolla]

She looked great with her hair short. But you know what?

[Fitz Dog]

She's so good with her hair short.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a thought. You may disagree. I've never thought of this before.

[Fitz Dog]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys don't like short hair.

[Fitz Dog]

My husband says this all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a genius, this guy. Although for a guy who doesn't like short hair, he sure cuts a lot of hair.

[Fitz Dog]

He cuts my son's hair. He doesn't cut my daughter's hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, okay. But he claims. So guys don't like short hair on a woman, but there is an element of the short hair where we go, man, she's cute with short hair. Oh, yeah, Imagine the potential. Imagine if she grew that hair out.

[Fitz Dog]

Like, how much hotter she'd be.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Fitz Dog]

So, like, if she's an eight with a bob, right? Then you're like, damn, she gets that collarbone length and she's a 10, right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I can't tell if I like KJP's short hair or I was dreaming about the potential of the long hair, but now I've seen. I've taken a glimpse into the future and I've seen the long hair and I don't like it. And now I'm ruined on her.

[Fitz Dog]

Well, I hate to break it to.

[Adam Carolla]

You, I could get her.

[Fitz Dog]

You're not her type to get her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could.

[Fitz Dog]

Big reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got one bigger one, baby, that all women recognize.

[Fitz Dog]

So that. And also, I don't know that she'd date a guy that's a little right leaning or logical leaning on top of the fact that she prefers the lady and I think she's married.

[Adam Carolla]

The long hair with the orange highlight is not good. And I've also given up on the potential of her. I've realized she had that short hair. There was something there.

[Fitz Dog]

Yeah, despite the fact that she fumbled her words and covered up for a dementia riddled president.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, you're holding out hope. This isn't her fault, just like it's none of the Dingbat DEI hire's faults from the Biden administration. He just took these idiots and shoved them into places they weren't supposed to be, and then they couldn't do the job because they weren't qualified to do the job.

[Fitz Dog]

Justice Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So there's nothing. How else would you, you go, she's on the Supreme Court and she's a dingbat. Yeah, she was a DEI hire.

[Fitz Dog]

Yeah, she did.

[Adam Carolla]

Sotomayor was too. And of course they're the only two dingbats on the Supreme Court.

[Fitz Dog]

But fine, Sotomayor at least worked at Harvard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but she's, she may be dumber than Kentaji Brown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jackson.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the one who was complaining about kids being on ventilators or something when she was trying to get everyone vaccinated. Forced to be vaccinated. Kjp not married. So the window's still open.

[Fitz Dog]

Okay, so she's just a lesbian that Adam thinks that he can win over.

[Adam Carolla]

And what I call turning. Turning her out. But yeah, win over. If that's your vernacular. Fine, I call turning them out. I'll turn her out. There's the clip of her on a friendly podcast, Andrew, where she was talking over. There is a thing now again, I don't wanna take a turn for the feminine or the black, but there is a thing that women do, but especially black women do, is when they start hearing something they don't wanna hear, they'll just talk. They'll go, oh, I mean, it's like, it's like, I'll tell you what, let's do some role playing. Dawson.

[Fitz Dog]

You go, dawson's the girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you're the girl. I'm going to do it because I feel like you're going to fuck it up. But you can try. Let's have you try.

[Fitz Dog]

I'm just going to sit back and.

[Adam Carolla]

Observe to Dawson may fuck it up too, but Dawson, here's what I'll do it. You're going to, here's your job in this acting experience. It you're gonna say, well, I got news for you. And then I'll go, lay it on me. And then you go, I heard you were cheating on your wife. And then just keep talking about how you heard it. And then I'll tell you what black chicks do, right?

[Dawson]

I got news for you, pal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, let's hear it.

[Dawson]

I heard you were cheating on your wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you know what? A lot of people say a lot of things. A lot of people say a lot of things. A lot of people say a lot of things. A lot, a lot of people say a lot of things. Like they go, that's how you know it happened. Cuz if it didn't happen, you Go, yeah, all right, tell me, where was I? Cuz I was out of town last week. But go ahead. Right, but they'll do the, uh. Oh, heard something. That's true. Gonna go right over the top. This is her. She's a communications person, a press person. She's being interviewed. So listen, what happens during this interview?

[Gayle King]

We did have legislative wins.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Kevin Federline]

And he didn't talk about them that well though. He couldn't talk about. He wasn't campaigning.

[Gayle King]

First of all, first of all, he did talk about them. Whether it broke through or not. He did, Tim. He did talk about.

[Kevin Federline]

He talked way less to the press than Donald Trump does. Way less. And he wasn't out there at all.

[Adam Carolla]

He wasn't good off the cuff.

[Kevin Federline]

He wasn't doing press conferences. Let's just be real, like he didn't do.

[Gayle King]

That's not true.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, she said, but Tim. Pardon? Rob? She said but Tim. Nine times.

[Fitz Dog]

I think it was nine or ten times. That reminds me of.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so he just goes, he talked to the press way less than Donald Trump does.

[Fitz Dog]

Check true.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is the most accurate statement since the sky's blue and the earth is round. I mean he just said it. And.

[Fitz Dog]

But Tim.

[Adam Carolla]

But Tim. But Tim. But Tim. But Tim. But Tim. But Tim. Okay, just go, let him say what he has to say and then go, well, you know what, Tim, I'll tell you this. In Biden's first year of office, he did 141 press conferences and Trump's only done 89. So how do you like that?

[Fitz Dog]

Or he had this many legislative wins compared to President, President Trump, yada yada.

[Adam Carolla]

But Tim. But Tim, But Tim. Yeah, just go back 30 seconds, just listen. First off, it's bad communication.

[Fitz Dog]

It reminds me of my like 6 year old when she's trying to blame something on my 8 year old.

[Adam Carolla]

These people, these poor people, because they're like, wait a minute, this guy's a liberal. My whole thing, it's the funniest thing. Cuz I go, I thought our agreement was. I go on your super liberal show and you don't ask any questions. What happened to the agreement we had?

[Fitz Dog]

Had.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is popping up more and more now, but here it is.

[Gayle King]

But talk about them whether it broke through or not. He did, Tim. He did talk about.

[Kevin Federline]

He talked way less to the press than Donald Trump does. Way less. And he wasn't out there at all. He wasn't good off the cuff. He wasn't doing press conferences. Let's just be real. Like he didn't do.

[Gayle King]

That's not true, Tim. You're conflating all of it.

[Fitz Dog]

I think she said it eight times.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It's not true. What isn't true? Donald Trump is doing a press conference somewhere right now and he's on the toilet. He's physically sitting on a toilet making a number two. And there's three reporters in the bathroom with him because he couldn't take a break from talking to reporters.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh, he was also untruth Social right.

[Adam Carolla]

And Biden would call to wrap at 3pm and then do a thing where they go, hey, they told me not to talk about stuff. I mean, but Tim Bat Tim. But Tim. But Tim. But Tim Bucktail. All right. Alicia Krause.

[Fitz Dog]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me give you a plug.

[Fitz Dog]

Oh, thanks. I think you're gonna light my op ed this week.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, the Washington Examiner. What's it on about?

[Fitz Dog]

How women should be eating peanuts and medical community is full of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. Oh my God. My book from 15 years ago. I was screaming about give em peanuts.

[Fitz Dog]

Yeah, give em peanuts. And a pregnant gal can have some sushi and a glass of wine every once in a while too.

[Adam Carolla]

God, I'm reading that. All right, I'm gonna be at Flappers in burbank on the 29th, then Boston at the Wilbur Theater. That'll be November 6th. And then the 7th in Buffalo, New York at Electric City. Go to amcroll.com for all the live dates. And Kevin Federline, you thought you knew. The name of the book is available as we speak. And Fitz Dog's got live shows everywhere at great Fitzgerald Simmons.com until next time, Sam Crawford, Gary Fitzsimmons and Kevin Federline. Alicia Kraus saying mahala.

[Dawson]

Leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744. Then after you do that, go get tickets to see the ace man@adam corolla.com.

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[Adam Carolla]

Dawn this is my kind of place.

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[Adam Carolla]

Dawn this is my kind of place.

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And don't miss the man made nightmares in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or the world ending chaos in 28 days later something in the blood. All the scares all for free. Pluto TV stream now pay never.