← Adam Carolla Show
Adam Carolla Show
Donald Trump + Alison, Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)
05:10:16
#1 ACS #1479 (feat. Alison Rosen and Bald Bryan) Recorded 12-19-2014 – Release Date 12-24-2014 #2 ACS #1726 (feat. Donald Trump, Gina Grad & Bryan Bishop) Recorded 12-17-2015 – Release Date 12-18-2015 Hosted...
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Adam Carolla
Well, you love comedy. You're comedy fans. That's why you're listening to this podcast. And the funniest comedians in the world are on tour right now and you can get tickets to see them live near you. So they're traveling and you're bringing the mountain to Mohammed. They're coming to your town. You don't have to go to their town to see them. And they got huge names in comedy. Otsuko Okotuka is coming out. Maybe not a household name, but I bet if you're listening, you know comedy, you love Atsuko. Bill Burr. Well, there's a guy you know, Sebastian Maniscalco is coming to town near you. And so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. So head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy. and get caught up on all the comedy. A touch of formaldehyde, a pinch of acetaldehyde, a splash of acroleum makes the perfectly evil vape cloud. Vaping can expose you to a toxic mix of chemicals. Know the real cost of vapes brought to you by the fda. Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play with best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years the Adam Croll Show. We have a companion podcast titled Crawl Classics with the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla Substack. Make sure to check out adamcarolla.substack.com sign up and get access. You also get access to the brand new show Beat it out featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorl.com now on to the clips coming up. First we have adam Corolla Show 1479. This is featuring Allison Rosen and Brian bishop. Recorded on 1219, 2014, released on 1224 2014, this is the final episode featuring Allison Rosen, officially marking the end of her run on the Adam Kohler Show. She was News Girl from 2011 through 2014. Final ACE Awards of a specific era of the show. Teresa era is over. And now the Allison era is over as well. Check it out. From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2014 ACE Awards honoring the best of the Adam Carolla show this year featuring trophy girl Allison Rosen and seat filler Brian Bishop. And now your host for this evening's ceremonies, Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on, Got to get it on no choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. Thank you so much for making 20002014 another great year. And thank you in advance for making 2015 an even better year. And thanks for telling a friend and thanks for spreading the love. Alison and Baldbrine are both running late and we have a party to celebrate because we're doing our annual Christmas party. The reason I mispronounce party is because I'm on my third tall boy beer. That's right. I cracked one. Bitch, I fucking cracked one. I cracked one at two this afternoon. Fuck it. I'm working hard all afternoon. So I got a beer in me. Actually, I have two and a half beers in me. And when I say two and a half, these are tall boys, so be prepared for trouble. So Brian and Allison are going to join us soon. But it's all right, we have the whole show put together. And first, I want to thank you guys for coming out supporting those of you who support the live show. God bless you. We go out, we sell out these places, it's fun, energy's great and it's a good time for us. Las Vegas, Hard Rock Hotel coming up Saturday, January 17, 7 and 9, 30 show. First show guest, Penn Jillette. So thank you for that also all year long, you guys who supported us via the Amazon banner, give yourself a nice tug on the junk or pat on the back or whatever you like. Digit in the anus. Thank you. It helps us keep the lights on around here. Look, we got a bunch of employees, we got a bunch of expenses and bills and you guys help when you bookmark our Amazon banner@adamcarolla.com so thank you so very much. And last but not least, those of you who've been subscribing to take a knee and give me all the great feedback on it. It feels good. Nice long form. One on one interviews. RZA from Wu Tang Clan is playing now and Pro bowl and I think three super bowl winning wide receiver. Check that. Tight end Brent Jones of San Francisco 49ers is our next one. And this guy's really interesting. One more interesting than the next. So God bless you. Let's get started with the ACE Awards and best impression. The nominees for best impression are Dana Carvey as both George Bush's President Obama and Matthew McConaughey. So I had to think about W calling senior and he was at the ranch and trying to figure out the tub. There was a leak. So. Daddy, Daddy, we got a leak in the tub at the ranch. Well, you gotta check it out. Might have to cock it. Might have to heal that face and. Yeah, Daddy, we already did that. We still had some leakage. I called the guy and he hadn't called me back yet. I emailed his partner and they're gonna come out and check. Well, you gotta stay on it. Yeah, we got a. We tried the first ratchet tool to take the screen out, Daddy, but it didn't really work. And then we emailed the guy who makes the tool that fit. And then I called him twice. Wow. Keep on it. This is like a 10 minute thing. I'll just. Do you think Barack Obama was ever sitting on the toilet yelling out to Michelle, Michelle, we need some toilet paper in here. We must make a decision about what we're going to do in terms of White Beach. We need some charming or whatever we can do. That's not true. That is not true. We're going to decide to make a decision about the decisions that we have to decide. The big one now is Matthew. That's right. So. Well, to keep on living. Gilbert Godfrey as Norm MacDonald. Gilbert. You be Norm, I'll be me. Hey, Norm, it's Adam Carolla. Remember, we're going to do the whole drive. Yeah, yeah. You. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to do the whole. You're a comedian. Yeah. We're oftentimes mistaken for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is funny. Yeah. I don't know how that happened. Yeah, we're gonna. So we're gonna do the driving. Remember that whole thing where I was gonna teach you how to drive? Yeah, yeah, driving. That's where you get in behind the wheel of a car and you drive it. Yeah, yeah, right. Oh, by the way, what would. What would Bob Dylan sound like if I was asking to do a driving show with him? J.L. colvin as Adam. President Obama and Donald Trump. First of all, Adam, it's a great honor for you to have me here, so you're welcome. I have, as you know, and as many people know, great, huge business experience. Plus experience fighting trolls like Rosie O'Donnell. I know I can take this campaign and make it really, really, really great. The fact is, when I associate my name with any project, it immediately becomes better. Which is why I'm renaming this project the Donald Trump Extra Premium Luxury Patent Troll Fight. Yeah. Okay. Not on my watch. Our next guest is an even bigger deal than Scrooge McFuck over there. It's the President of the United States, Barack Obama. What an honor. Thank you, Adam, for having me here. I think this is an important issue. Okay. I believe Small businesses are the backbone of America. So any help you need, okay, I'm happy to give. So, Mr. President, you've written a couple of New York Times bestsellers, huh? Yes, actually, I wrote two books on the New York Times bestsellers. Oh, two. You know what we call that in the Corolla household? Good start. Well, while you were talking to the Kenyan in chief, we just lost 4 trillion jobs to China. Maybe if we spent less time discussing fake Ivy League degrees and more time discussing great products like my ultra luxurious premium vodkas, this economy wouldn't be in such shambles. Hey, Adam. Yeah. How do you make a millionaire? You give Donald Trump a billion dollars because he loses money. That's what they call a burn. Tom Stern as Adam Carolla and a foreign tow truck driver. We see this guy putting your BMW up on the tow truck, right? And so we said, hey, hey, that's our friend Adam's thing. And, you know, I don't care. I don't care. I do job, you know? Right? So then someone said, get Adam. Get Adam. So. And I think you came out. What the going on here? He's doing both voices. Keep going. Yeah. And we're like, adam, he's telling your thing. You come up, you start to have one of your, you know, know, rational conversations with the minimum wage worker. Right? Which doesn't go as you'd hope. No. And then what's it going to sound like again? What is it? You're like, come on, let. Just. Just drop. Drop the back wheels and I'll get out of here. Okay. And what. What the guy. What the guy sound like to him? No, I do job. I do job. I get paid 3.59 an hour. And Alan Tudyk as Ed Wynn. Let's be honest. How much young pussy do you get with that voice? Oh, yeah, he had, like, four kids. You wouldn't think of it like this. Like he was one of those people. How do you get in here? Let's make another baby. I'm feeling. Look at this. My. It's so. All right. Am I heated up? We good? Yeah. All right. Thank you, guys. Once again, and the winner is. Dana Carvey, everybody. Brian would have played some sound effects of clapping right there. Thank you so much. All right, this is the ACE Awards. We do it every year. Allison and Brian are both running late, and we got to get our party on next door. So we're going to get to that in a second. But next up, Rant of the Year. Our first nominee for Rant of the Year, the Unaired NPR interview. Went across town to do an NPR show, the Brian Lehrer Show. And I sat down with Brian Lehrer. He played me this Jo Koy clip. Made to work. Yes. To labor. I will build car for cheap. Started with this part. Toyota. Yes. And then the guy sort of came back and he said, well, what do you think of that? Don't you think that's disrespectful, you doing that stereotypical Asian voice? And I said, well, that wasn't me. That's Jo Koy, and he's Asian. And he said in a super condescending way that I don't think he is aware of. He said, well, I guess that's better. And I said, I appreciate you trying to ambush me and all, but you guys really should have done your homework, because that wasn't me doing the voids. So next time you plan one of these ambushes, do your homework. Over a month went by and it never played. And I said to Matt, they're not gonna play it at all. This is a group who says they never stop beating the drum of. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Let your freak flag fly. Whatever you want to do, you do. That's up to you. That's your business. This group is 110 behind you unless you disagree with them. Because if you. Then if you disagree with them, you're getting stifled. So it's. Everyone should be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want to do it, as long as you agree with everything they say. And then it's fine if you disagree with what they say. Now you have to shut up. Moreover, we'll never play your words. I came to your fucking studio in the middle of Manhattan on the ninth floor and came up and sat down and did a half hour long form interview with you guys that you'll never play. And the only reason you'll never play it is because you got burned doing what you try to do to people. It makes you look like. It doesn't make you look bad. It makes you look like what you are. That's the part you don't want people to see. It's a fucking mirror. It's not a funhouse mirror. I just fucking hit it with my fucking Truth of Pledge or Windex. Sorry, I was on a roll. Fuck those guys. I swear to God, what hypocrites they are. The rant's over, buddy. I don't give up. The rant's over. I've had three beers, Brian. The rant's still going. Three Tall boys. Brian is entering the studio. They're such fucking hypocrites that they brought me in to do an interview. Except for when I fucking burned them with the fucking truth, which is them trying to paint me as a racist. They never aired it. Think about all they talk about. I'm excited for when it does air. I'm really. I'm holding my breath. All those people. Do you know what their whole drum beat is? Bush lied. People died. Really? Okay, Bush lied. How about you fucking liars? How about when we said to you, how come this interview never aired? And they're like, well, we're doing our pledge drive right now, so we're not airing it right now. And then later on, two months later is like, we're not gonna air it. Yeah. And then the whole thing about a gotcha or any gambit like this, when you make it a gamble, there's a risk to the gamble. They thought it was 1 or 0%, but there's a risk. And the risk is you look like fools. Yes, I will see if I can make Adam Carolla look like an ass and a racist. Worst case scenario, it doesn't go so. No, it went really well. It didn't work and now you won't. Gotta pay. Gotta pay your bills. Nope. Pay your debts. Never gonna air that interview because probably not gonna air the interview. Probably not gonna air the interview. It's been seven months. Are you drinking the swami's ipa? Oh, God, I love this stuff. That's pizza port. That's really good stuff. They come in the taller tall boys and they're make the IPAs really good. Oh my God. So good. All right. Allison's running late, Brian's running a little bit late. We want to get to drinking our beer and eating our ribs, so we'll get to that in a couple of few. But now most uncomfortable moment. This message is brought to you by the cologuard test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45. And because many people with early stage colon cancer have no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus, most insured patients pay $0. And if follow up care is needed. This is usually covered by insurance with zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podcast do not use Cologuard if you have had adenomas, have inflammatory bowel disease and certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for a colonoscopy in high risk patients. The Cologuard test is available by prescription only. What if you could finish your list and still get a great deal at Best Buy? The deals are still here with last minute savings on plenty of gifts. Learn more@bestbuy.com Best Buy Imagine that this message is brought to you by the Cologuard Test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The Cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45. And because many people with early stage colon cancer have no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus most insured patients pay $0 and if follow up care is needed, this is usually covered by insurance with zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screen screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podcast do not use Cologuard if you have had adenomas, have inflammatory bowel disease and certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for a colonoscopy in high risk patients. The Cologuard test is available by prescription only after the End of a good fight. You deserve an ice cold reward. Modela. You put in the hours, the energy, the tough labor because you, you know, the bigger the fight, the better the reward. Medela the mark of the fight. Brick responsibly. Beer reported by Crown Airport, Chicago, Illinois. The nominees for most uncomfortable moments are. Staff steals. Adam's beer. I spoke to M effer and I said, where exactly is the beer stashed? And he said, well, some of your ex friends, that's some Forsyth took a few cans home with them. Max Apata took three sixers, 18 beers home with him. Gary, he took a case. Mike Altier case for you. Case for the mfer. Dawson, I took a 12 pack home. 12 pack. And he's an alcoholic. Okay, it's a. He has a. No, hold on. I say this with a lot. He has a fucking problem and he took half of what damn effort Matt did the first case. So he's. He. He has the most guilt here. And then who did the second case? Well, hold on a second. Because some things, a lot of things have been said, a lot of feelings have been shared. Yes, but there's been some misunderstanding. See, I took the four cases. Hold on. For you, Adam. Hold on. That's what he looks like when he's lying. You took the four six packs? All for you, the case for me. Where is the case now? It's, you know, maintaining its temperature in my closet. But I'm just trying to keep them at the right temperature for you. So like over the weekend, should I just come over and get it a beer at a time or should I. Should I take a chance and grab a whole six pack? You're welcome anytime, bro. Oh boy. Yep. Greg Fitzsimmons pencil holder. Greg Fitzsimmons famously has a story about sticking a pencil up his ass. I just want to know if you had a story like that, Adam. It's getting more famous. Yeah, I'm sorry, Greg. What. What's the story about putting a pencil in your ass? Oh, no, I think he was just saying as an example for you to tell a totally different story than the one about the pencil up my ass. I'm pretty sure he wanted to hear the pencil story. Which begs was it a regular pencil or mechanical pencil? And then would be cool with the mechanical pencils, you start twisting your ear and it's the lead starts coming out. You know, that'd be a cool move. That's. I mean you could do that without a pencil though. Yeah, if you were talented. So what was the occasion when you did this. It was Tuesday. It's not a story. It's a. It's a table. It's a thing. It's a thing I did. There's no beginning, middle, and end. I used to. I used to put a pencil in my ass when I masturbated when I was, like, 13. Oh, wow. So this was a story. I don't know how you saw a real more than once occurrence. And as far as the pencil goes, business end, eraser end. What are we talking about here? I mean, that's. You're making a joke out of something that was. That was. You know, it was meaningful to me. Right. I. I don't remember why I used to put the pencil up my ass. And I don't know why this guy brought it up, but it's Valentine's Day. We could probably move on to some other stories. And G. First class flight. I feel like there's a fair bit of guys who bit beat off on an airplane. No. Oh, yes. Yes. No, like, with the blankets over them. No, no. I'd say bathroom. Okay. Bathroom. Okay. I just. Seriously, Gary, what do you. What? Yes. Airplane. Sure. Bathroom. No. Yeah. Guys are fucking. Wait a minute. There wasn't that plane. And yes for bathroom. That means also not in the bathroom. Long flight, not in the bathroom. It's happened. I'm not proud of it. In the bathroom. Oh, my God. Miss, I'm done with this blanket. Oh, my God. Wow. White Ice was his nickname. That was his handle. There was a goose. Maverick and White Ice. Wait. All right, hold on, Gary. Horrifying. We need some information. No, we don't. I. I'm with Brian. I really don't think we do. Actually, I think we do. I beat off many places, but never an airplane. I'm not passing judgment, but I would just assume because Greg Fitzsimmons came on here and talked about beating off on an airplane. But the bathroom. The quiet dignity to go to the bathroom and beat off all over everyone else's shit that I would think of. But deceit? That's brazen. Brazen. And I'm guessing coach first class. You can't pull that in coach. Not. Not at 6:40. First class. So first class. They're like more tissue lotion. Oh, wait. Was it, like, international flight where, like, the little pod. I had some privacy. Oh, you have to then. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to get my money. Were you watching, like, a sexy movie then? I mean, I had my iPad. Yeah. All right. All worthy candidates. Paul Bryan here now. Allison Rosen here as well. Fuck Hollywood. Traffic. Yeah, it's crazy. But you didn't miss too much. We did Best impression. We did part one of Rant of the Year. And then that was the tail end of Most Uncomfortable Moment. And I just started on time because I want to get my booze on and my ribs on over at the other warehouse. And we're all going to go for a Christmas party after this. All right, so the winner for Most Uncomfortable Moment is Gary's Jetliner Jerk off, everybody. Thank you. Okay. There's so many people I want to thank. Women have no idea how guys are wired. They just really. It's like, I'm getting an idea. You're getting an idea, right? Yeah, yeah. It's eye opening. Yeah. And that's why, though, when you think your particular boyfriend or husband, like, oh, my God, you're sick or whatever, that's. No, that's everyone. Like, the first instinct. Alison, you can confirm this or not is, oh, he doesn't do that. Yeah, right. And then they do. I married the one guy who doesn't. That's very fortunate you found the one guy who doesn't do that. Lucky. The next category, and we have like 21 categories, so I'm gonna push it along. Is Best Friend of the Show. Oh, this is the first. Our first category for Best friend of the Show, David Allen Greer. So in the dream, though, we did not actually have sex. I just suck on your titties. We were going to tell me I lick your ass. Did I lick your ass? So describe in detail what happened in the dream. I think I was just making plans to spend a night with you because we were in a relationship. Right? In a dorm room. Can we get some music? I mean, some back is where it was going to be. I'm not saying titty P, but God damn, this is love, Brian. It's not just sex they have is real. How about some Isaac Hayes? If you see me. Whoa. Oh. Oh, Good gosh almighty. I'm sorry. I get excited. Baby, you're starting this real slow. Real slow. I really wish I could remember. I feel like there were more details right afterwards. Neck. Your neck. Let me see that neck. Let me see that neck. God damn. I'm wearing a turtle. It's a funny thing. Right now I'd be sucking all on that jugular vein. I'll be kicking your all up. Black, blue, purple, red, Deep, deep, deep bruises. So don't take me through it. You are getting ready. Yeah, I was making plans. I think I. Your legs. I did. Did you douche? No need I like the natural. I can. Good cuz I didn't douche. So respectful. I like how easy to do the dudes question, but they're shaving the leg. Do you see? Dude was kind of flirty, though. You're like, I did. I know. It's weird. It's still happening. All the feelings, it all comes rushing back. It does come rushing back. I woke up and I was like, maybe I have feelings for Dag, but I didn't know about because like I said in the. Yes. Okay. Was your wet or was it just clammy? Was it just gummy? I tell these people all the time, think it. Don't tweet it. Don't tweet it. Please do not press send. These young men don't understand. We do a little seminar with the incoming rookies. Get them together, you know, get off the Twitters, get off the Facebooks. Yeah. Get off the. All the trendy. Well, you know, you got to be careful how you treat your feet. Yeah, I gotta be careful how you treat the ladies. Oh, yes, yes. Be careful. Everyone's watching duis. I always tell them, look here, you know, keep a hunted on the dashboard for the cop. Okay? Yeah. If your man handle a woman, walk into the dog. Coach Cox. Yes, sir. I don't want to interrupt that. Say, hey, girl, I'll see you next week. Don't be like, you was late. I don't want to interrupt your symposium. Move your feet. Move your feet. Yeah, we're not sending a message. Hands in front. Yes, sir. I don't want to interrupt the symposium with the rookie symposium, but what we're trying to teach the young folks in the room here is if you take a picture of your dick, go from top down to the left. That's the best angle. Yeah. You know, get your hand in. Ironically, Coach, where the next stops laughing back there. We're trying to teach these young people, don't take a picture of your penis. Don't text it out. Don't bribe the police officer. Obey the speed limit. Yes. Don't raise your hand to a woman. Now, let's talk about strip club fellow. Well, no, a lot of y'all don't know how to fan your ones. Now, this misrepresent. We're asking him not to go. The fan first then. Yeah. I'm so in love with Brian Cox. Who's Brian Cox? He was disrespectful. I'm so disrespectful. Love with him and his. His rookie symposium instructing all the incoming NFL Rookies on how to conduct themselves. He's a human being who's actually insane. Who coaches in the NFL. All right, next up, best invention. The nominees for best invention are. The wheelchair. Dicky. I just came up with an invention. It's kind of a. A dickie for chairs. You know, it's not like, like, not like a full, full turtleneck. The top handles. Top of every chair you have should just have grips and handle. So every picture you take sitting down goes, oh, he's confined to a wheelchair. Like every picture. You get a lot of sympathy that way. You know what I mean? And you know, you don't want to drag around a bulky wheelchair everywhere. But the little aluminum handle anodized with the grips on there. All you need is the top six inches. They just clip onto any seat. You know, slide in, clamped on. Brilliant. Probably get some extra sympathy at work, you know, hey, boss, I gotta leave early. You know, the chair and all. And then you walk out to your car. The Will do app. There should be an app for your phone. When it hears Will do for the 55th time, it hangs up. It gets very staticky, and then it just flatlines and it won't recognize that other number. All you have to do is say the phrase will do five times in the course of two minutes and it will hang up with it. Someone invent this app. The condiment Dinghy. I got an idea. Everything that comes in the big container, every Costco sized, the jumbo mayonnaise, whatever it is, should come with a little. Like, that's the yacht. It should come with a little dinghy. You see the dinghy that gets dragged behind the yacht. Zephyr. Yeah, the little zephyr just gets dragged behind the yacht. And that's the little one that only holds 3 ounces. And it's, it's empty. It's empty one. But when you're, when you exhaust the one that's the size of a bucket, you then spatula out what's left. Put it in the little one and put that one like, like they do with the Tabasco, but it's unfilled. But this is the little. Yeah, the little zephyr that just gets dragged behind the yard. I'm gonna say a Zodiac. Just a little dinghy. They just have a. So it's like you get the big tub and then you get the one that's. It's. It's. There's one sandwich worth. It's the one sandwich container, peanut butter, mayonnaise, whatever it is. And it's. Whoever's job. Who makes that last sandwich out of the big one to take the remainder, transfer it into the dinghy. Divorce cam and I would definitely start going to ball games if there was just. Yeah, instead of that kiss camera, we had the divorce cam and you're up on the jumbotron and the chick's like, what? I thought we're sitting there. Yeah. Heaving sobs, kids traumatized. What? He's gay. What? This is all. This is just a beard. This all been a lie. What? I wasn't planned. Hold on. That. The divorce cam. Write that down. And the beet bracelet. When you order the beet salad or the beet dish, they should give you a little clip on bracelet, like one of those little plastic laminate bracelets that gets you backstage at the car show or whatever it is. Just snap one on your wrist so that when you take a dump that night, you don't have a fucking heart attack. Because what happens is I eat three pounds of beets at, you know, two in the afternoon and then go back and have a couple of tall ones. And then that night I'm sitting on the toilet, the little buzz and I go, oh my God, my innards are coming out of me. But if I had just my little beet bracelet, remember? Hey dummy, you had beets. I do. I don't think I would have to say that much. I think just the bright purple purple bracelet. And as I said, running into other people that had their beat bracelet on, knowing not. Oh, but you guys would be hugging it out with strangers. Beat brothers. These all hold up, by the way. Yeah, tight race. Still needed. And the winner is the beat bracelet. It's fun. It's just fun. Practical. Look, whatever the beet salad is with the goddamn goat cheese, you add in another 4 cents, you've covered the price of the rubber band beet bracelet. This message is brought to you by the cologuard test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon canc at age 45. And because many people with early stage colon cancer have no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus most Insured patients pay $0. And if follow up care is needed, this is usually covered by insurance with zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podc do not use Cologuard if you have had adenomas, have inflammatory bowel disease in certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for a colonoscopy in high risk patients. The Cologuard test is available by prescription only. Netcredit is here to say yes because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and service by Netcredit application subject to review and approval. Learn more@netcredit.com partners netcredit credit to the people all this message is brought to you by the Cologuard Test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The Cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45. And because many people with early stage colon cancer have no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus most insured patients pay $0 and if follow up care is needed, this is usually covered by insurance. With zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podcast. Do not use Cologuard. If you have had adenomas, have inflammat bowel disease and certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy not a replacement for a colonoscopy in high risk patients. The cologuard test is available by prescription only. After the end of a good fight, you deserve an ice cold reward. Medela. You put in the hours, the energy, the tough labor, because you know the bigger the fight, the better the reward. Medela, the mark of the fight. Drink responsibly. Beer reported by Crown Airport, Chicago, Illinois all right, this is best. Excuse me. Rant of the Year Part two. Our second nominee for Rant of the year, Dora and Caillou. There should be a battle royale, which is Dora the Explorer meets Caillou in the artistically bankrupt department of Zero meets Nothing meets. I could not create anything for people who were older than five or were not severely mentally impaired because if you watch those cartoons, everything from the fucking names to the color palette to everything is off putting. It's a fucking waste of time. And it's a waste of time for, For. For five year olds as well. And my wife would always go, no, it's good because they can learn to interact and they can learn the words and they can learn. What do you think what would have happened if not for Caillou? If not for the bald kids Canada or the Mexican cunt or their stupid swiper, the fox? What? All they're doing. All you're doing is exposing them to it's. It's fucking shit. I'd rather them fucking stare at a blank slate than look at the. I'd rather watch. Look at their own reflection on the TV that's unplugged than watch Dora the Explorer or Caillou or any of this other junk that you fucking pussies who pass yourself off as heroes create to pollute the minds of young kids. And let's make sure there's no word mince here. You guys are unadulterated hacks who could not do anything that anybody with two brain cells to rub together could enjoy. You're not deciding to focus and concentrate on young children. You cannot cut it in an adult world where people are discerning and you actually have to compete. So instead you. You fucking cop out and you create shit which does nothing but pollute kids heads and eventually has to be undone by me yelling at the nanny to undo it. Fucking coward hats. No. I pray you guys can have children one day so you can experience the majesty of Dora the Explorer and Caillou and the joy of rearing a child and just those two shows. All right, now, moving on. Best reenactment, the nominees for Best reenactment are Adam and Ian Edwards for naive drug counselor. I'm saying we. You should probably stop doing drugs. That. I don't really know what they do. I know they make you feel great. You know, when you're feeling blue. I know that's something that we talk. Are feeling not. Not half happy. Can I. Can I just tell you some of the things that I did on drugs, Mr. Counselor? Yeah. Well, you know, I sold my baby. And that was a car? No, because my dad has a. Has a 44 step side F104 that he just calls his baby. You sold your baby? Yeah, but I didn't really have a dad either, so. Huh. Why would you sell your baby for drugs? Because the baby didn't make me feel good and the drugs did. Was it the cocaine or was it the marijuana? It was marijuana. Do you. Would you smoke, like a marijuana cigarette or would you use what they call a bong? We'd roll the joints and put PCP and stuff in there. I don't know. You know what PCP is? That must stand for something Stretch. A highway that runs along the Pacific Ocean. Can I speak to your manager? Now what I need somebody to do. As you can hear, I could probably use some lozenges. Could somebody run to the liquor store and just give me some lozenges, please? I'm scratchy. Thank you. Okay, here's $700. All right. But make sure and come back with change. You know what? You're the best counselor I ever had. But now hold on. I want the secrets. Okay. Right. Right in the tin. If you could. Oh, you know, let's make it $1700. Go ahead. Yeah. Now, if you're not back in three days, I'm gonna come looking for you. And scene. Thank you, Adam and Allison, for premature ejaculating. Caveman. I wanted to know if you think there was ever a time in history like before people knew premature ejaculation. Was that where it was like, looked at as a good thing? Like premature ejaculators were of the higher in the scale of man. If we're to take this question seriously, I would say yes. Back in maybe the caveman days or. Or when they needed paste, but not when. When you had natural predators in the saber tooth tigers. And so what you got to get your. You got. If you want to get the species going, you gotta. You gotta come quickly out of there. For the tiger gets you your pants and anarch. Got it. Your loincloths around. Dryburn ankles. Think of all the kids Cavemen who died in the midst of having sex because they were so wrapped up they didn't hear the animal. Yeah, I saw my great great great great grandfather. Great great great great grandfather went. It would be. That would be funny one like, hey, this is tow bar. Look, we got to get it on. Normally I eat for good. I know we don't have units of time, but as long as that log would take to burn, that's how long I eat for. As long as it would take you to. As long as it would take you to, like, dry, salted meat, you know, or. Or skin a water bison and cure the leather. That's how long I ate for jerky time. Jerky time is what I call it. That's how long. And normally I ate. But I've seen a saber tooth tiger wandering around this cave. Let me just cut to the quick here. Like, normally I eat all day long again for as long as it takes you to gather a bushel of firewood. That's how long I ate pussy for. It's a very long time. Okay, okay. But I've seen multiple. I don't know if it's the same one. Honestly, I can't tell the difference between myself. I can't tell them apart. The saber tooth, big furry cats. They all look the same. They all look the same. I've seen them wandering around the cave. And if we don't have sex really quick, then I can't impregnate you. You know, I'm getting eaten by a tiger over here. So I just put it in you and just kind of, you know, and then we get pregnant. And then early man would turn into, you know, again, kind of responsible for the future. If you don't mind. I mean, that makes a lot of sense. So what you're saying is you don't have time to eat pussy for as long as it would take for me to gather firewood or cure a skin or burn a log. Yeah. Or do the whole salted dried meat thing. Right, right. So what do you have time for? Speed? I got a little head, a blow job. I don't know what we're calling them these days. And. Oh, sorry. I just came on your tits. I know that sounded weird. That's not gonna help. Late at all. You know what? Let me just go. Let me go into my man cave and really think about this one, okay? All right, don't move. I'll be back tomorrow. And Adam and Eric Stonestreet for Dog having sex with owner. Listen, as a dog, you got a few Choices. You could be doing the Iditarod and pulling a lesbian from Anchorage to Nome, you know, and dying along the way. You could be at the airport sniffing out bombs or backyard fruit. Or you could be your owner. You know, given that spectrum. Not bad when the dogs are, like, hanging out at the dog park and they're talking and one of them's like, hey, I just got a new basket and that's lined with fleece. So I don't want to brag, but. Yeah, by the way. Yeah, I'm. My owner, huh? Yeah. I'd love to hear more about your bed, but I gotta go. My owner. Oh, shit. I was gonna tell you about this new kibble I got that's got lamb in it, but. Kibble. Yeah. I gotta get back because my. If this my owner likes it in doggy position. Can you believe that? So fucking predictable. Anyway, I gotta go. Fuck him. I'll talk to you later. Oh, Jesus. I was gonna tell you story. Well, hold on. I was. I'll tell you store. I got to hang my head out the window of the station wagon. Oh, really? That sounds great. You ever gotten a blowjob from your owner? No. Fantastic. No, I didn't. We got dog sex under overrated. I got my name on the collar. It's shaped like a heart. That's great. I'm gonna have a 69 in just a few minutes with my owner. Yeah. Oh, hey, my owner just got one of those leashes that's, you know, it's like retractable. It can let out up to 12ft. I put a leash on my owner. Ah, I'm just gonna go over here. Yeah, why don't you go lick your balls? Yeah, I'm gonna go have my owner lick mine. Love that modern family, by the way. My God, I just watching that show last night, really enjoying the out of it. All right, so that's reenactment. The winner is Eric Stonestreet, everybody. God, he's good on that show. Everyone on that show is good, but God, is he good on that show. Indeed. He's good on this show. He's good on this show. He's good everywhere. All right, moving on. Best live read. It's a category I didn't know. The nominees for best live read are. Mike Rowe for Dollar Shave Club. One of the best jobs is pitching Dollar Shave Club. Man, I love these great ads, man. Great ads. I love these guys. The industry. It's a billion dollar year. Industry, industry. The shave companies, all the ridiculous crap. The razors, they vibrate the handle. They got a back Scratcher. Laser Pointer. 7 blades, 9 blades. 120 blades. More blades than we can count. It's like a weed whacker with blades. It is a crazy ninja coming at your face. The first blade pulls the whisker out. The second insults it verbally. The third pees all over the second. The fourth makes love to the whiskers mother. The fifth backs up into its own bottom and vanishes. The sixth blade starts working a racial epithet and the seventh juggles like a mime. The eighth through 14th blade sits and blows smoke at the other blades and laughs maniacally. And just when you think it could. Couldn't get any weirder, what happens next? Well, an amazing quiet comfort razor. That's what you get from the Dollar shave club. Oh, these guys owe me Joe coy for DraftKings. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy football. Bry. Bry. I drafted a terrible team. Many of my players let me down. However, I sell Carson Palmer going, I think they know they let you down. They think they all, you know what they do. Now gather around. Grab a knee. Brian with a Y. It's pretty upset. Oh, man. About our performance. I knew it. He drafted me, huh? Yeah, he drafted you. He's the guy with cancer. He's got the tumor, man. Yeah, I tried my. I tried my best, you understand? When he picked you up as a wide out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He expected numbers. Me, he expected production. I just got his book. Dude, do. He just got his ass kicked by one of his frat buddies in. In college. You understand? Who Beat chat. Beat him. I'll get him. I'll shoot him. Okay, don't. No, don't shoot him. There's a guy that. No, somebody. No, you need to catch more balls and rack up more yardage and see if you can score. Son of a. All right, now listen. Yeah. If we could just form. I don't want to call an apology letter, but if you could just sort of, you know, craft a little. A little something. Yeah. Telling Brian you're sorry. Yeah, man. And that it's not gonna happen again. It's not gonna happen again. You know, I know that, but does Brian know it? Week one is you let him down. Okay, listen, I've got a lot of excuses about week one cancer. The point is this. If you just go ahead and craft a little something, I think that would go a long way. Like, craft, like, actually make something out of materials and. No, I would craft, like cheese macaroni. Mean, like. No, no, no, no. You're no they're thinking arts and crafts or cheesy craft. No. What do you mean? Corolla. What? I mean, do I get this guy? You know that. Okay, you write something. Do you have a computer? Yeah, I have a computer. Okay. Loaded with porn. Okay. Brazzers. You want me to send them a brazzers? No. No. Well, you could send them some porn. Maybe I'll buy him a subscription. No. Well, if you could write down something. Just something that says, you know, Brian, thinking of you. Sorry for letting you down. Gonna try harder next time. Yeah. You know what I mean, Brian. My bad, my bad. And then put your number. I'll put my. My number. Well, not your home number. Oh, your jersey number. Oh, yeah, you put 88 there. 80s. Oh, 85, is it? I think it's 88. Oh, it is. You put your number. I'll put my toes. Phone number. No, no, no, no. The jersey. No, put the jersey. Put the jersey number underneath where you sign. Okay? Yeah, I'll give him a whole jersey if he wants. No, don't give him the jersey. He wants. He can get it. Whatever Brian wants. Just sign the jersey number. No one else drafted me. Do you understand? Oh, no one else wanted me. Brian believed in you. Brian believed in me. And now you've let him down, and I let him down. All right? So just sign a quick note. I'll sign it. I'll say, love cancer. No, you know what? Let me. I don't know what this. What do I do? I need your. Do you have a publicist? I could speak. I have a publicist, yes. Can I speak to him or her? Yes, you can. Okay, so let's do that. Let me handle this. Okay, so you want to talk to her now or. Well, I'll speak to her shortly. Okay, yeah. You focus on Sunday. All right. Thank God. I don't really know what a publicist is. I'll get back to DraftKings, DraftKings.com and Paulie Shore for LifeLock. LifeLock Ultimate. Plus, it is the cost of doing business in 2014. Children helps protect your identity, your bank, your retirement accounts, credit cards. Yeah. Can I ask you. So all these. These ads that you're. You're doing right now, these are the people that pay for everything? Correct? That's what keeps the lights on. How do you get. How can I do this from my podcast? Well, I. First off, you must keep your identity, okay? We can't have someone else running around a bunch of scarves claiming to be the Wii. Okay? That's number one. Number two, I can hook you up with our friends over at LifeLock Ultimate Plus. Cowbell. That's right. Why risk it, baby? Sleep better at night knowing you got Life Ultimate Plus. Hold on one second, Dawson. LifeLock. LifeLock.com network does not cover all transactions. Polyshore. Yes. Yes. So just for that ad right there, how much did they pay you? I have no idea. But they paid you something. Yes. That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, I do it for free because I'm a fan of LifeLock Ultimate Plus. I understand that. I know. Because when I was at your house, it was day. I saw that. You saw the big picture. You saw my shrine to LifeLock Ultimate Plus. He's like a newborn, isn't he? Every day. Yeah, Every day is a new day. Yep. It's kind of. You know when you tell people to live every day like it's a brand new day, Some people listen. They really do listen. And the winner is. Mike Rowe. Love that guy. Speaking of live reads, by the way, Hulu. Who knew? I knew. Hulu Plus. Ah. Winter break. Traveling. Gotta go with the family, the friends. It's a sad testimonial, but when I hear about people and I go, what are you doing for the winter? You know, the holiday. What are you doing for Christmas? They're going, I'm going to Chicago. I'm going to stay with my family for a week. I always go, sorry, man. And they go, oh, no, I like my parents. And I go, yeah, it's got to be a tough break. No, I look forward to it. Ever. This is actually a highlight of the year. Tough draw. Yeah, no, I really look forward to it. I mean, it's got loved ones and you can buy booze and heroin over there, right? I suppose some could, but I'm going to be. Let's booze it up. Turn the TV on, drink carols to my family. You got those Beats headphones? Yeah, for the. No, put the beats on and just start sucking off the Jack Daniels. You'll be fine. You know what? A week will pass, like, in the blink of an eye. It'll be gone in prison for a week. It's no big deal. We've all done time. You're cool. It's all right. Don't establish eye contact with Mom. You'll be fine. Now we're moving on. So many more categories. Yeah, I know. Caller of the Year. The nominees for Caller of the Year are. Cassius, The Canadian Cassius. Hey, Adam. What's up? Sixteen. Alberta, Canada, man. Yeah. How's it going? What's Going on. Cassius, I just had a quick question. I wanted to know if you had any advice for up and coming podcasters. I'm one of them. I'm looking at making a move from Alberta to LA in a couple years to pursue this podcasting thing. So do you have any advice for that? I will play the part of you and the part of your dad in this scenario. Hey Dad, I want to go to LA to pursue a career in gay porn. Knock yourself out. Hey Dad, I want to go to LA and pursue a career in podcasting. No fucking way. Over my dead body. Hold on. Marge, get in here. Your crazy son has a crazy idea. Thank you. Hey, Cassius, thank you for the inspiring message. Thank you. Really touched my heart. Alec Baldwin. We have a caller on line one that says. Says he's Alec Baldwin. Alec, how are you, man? Long time no speak. How are you? Good. It's Alec Baldwin. How are you, Alec? Well, I have a question. I'm calling you. You're always good for this kind of thing. I've had the entire Internet shoved up my ass the last few months. I was wondering, is there anything I could take for that? What do you recommend? Barium and huge pot of coffee to wash it down with. I know the Internet is always trying to force things up your rectum, but what is. What is the latest one? Alec, it's not even worth going into, man. I mean, in the end, who cares? Do you care? Do you care when people. That's a good question. Do you care what they say about you on the Internet? You know what I do? I try to avoid the situation that's going to get me to care. So people tweet me things all day long. Saying so and so is talking about you. You've got to check it out. Don't click on that. What I find is now is if you never engage in that again. Hold on. Once again. Okay? I want to find out where Alex at with the business. I mean, we can all. All think of. Did we call you at inconvenient time? Al, my. My friend. Sorry if you never did those again. Yeah, like you're getting an insight into my life here right now. Dogs barking, babies crying, quiet. Hey, Al, can I say this while you're. While you're figuring out your life over here? I feel like you have the talent and you're at that level where you don't need the business. The business needs you. You can go Daniel Day Lewis if you want. You can play by your own terms. And there's a part of you that wants to enter the fray. Why enter the fray? Do what you want to do. Do it on your own terms. There's only a few guys who can do it. You happen to be one of them. Well, I think that the. The. The thing for me is all of it, since I got married again and I have a family, none of it really matters to me at all anymore. The only thing that matters to me is my family. I mean, if you literally said to me tomorrow that. That the way I could have a guarantee. I mean, these are all hypotheticals and all these silly constructs, but if you came to me tomorrow and said the only path, the only door you could choose that would get you the best guarantee that you'd stay happy with your wife and your family was to host Jeopardy. I'd sign up to host Jeopardy. For 20 years tomorrow. Eric the vampire steak salesman. What are you selling, Eric? Well, it's a vampire steak. Where'd you get the vampire steak? Well, actually, I made it. I'm looking at it now. It looks like a paint stick stirrer that you put a sharp edge on and then painted with some white out and a Sharpie when you're high. Well, honestly, no. It was a ladder that I took apart, and the ladder that I took apart, I was building. I was building a wall of weaponry. And in that wall of weaponry, I was thinking about the mythological weapons that I can kind of put together. So I thought about the werewolf stakes. I thought about, you know, a little bit of things that I looked up online, and then the vampire stake just fell in my lap pretty much. And then I did a little work, you know, and that was pretty much it. Mm. I've got three kids of my own. They're seven, seven, six and one. Mm. Can I talk to the seven year old? Yeah, yeah. Give me just a second. A boy or girl? Girl. Eliza. Let me talk to Elvira. Eliza. Eliza. Eliza. Close enough. It is. Who are you? This is Adam Carolla. I'm world famous. I. Hi. Hi. Eliza, I want you to run. Run as fast as you can in any direction. Go. Run. Brian, the fake Whitney Houston drug dealer. Brian, how did this whole thing come about for you? So I knew a lady who's like a producer for Playboy tv. He's like, oh, hey, would you want to do this video interview thing where you play a drug dealer? And I was like, go on. And. And basically, it's all whenever, like. So the first one I did was for Charlie Sheen. Oh, you've done more than. This is part of a suite oh, this is, this is like a whole. It's. It's really ridiculous. Like, so whenever any celebrity has like, like a drug thing. So I've been Charlie Sheen's drug dealer, Lindsay Lohan's drug dealer, Whitney Houston's drug dealer, Whitney Houston's limo driver. And like, because I didn't, I didn't think about any of these interviews before. Wait a minute. This goddamn documentary had a limo driver in it too. Now what am I to believe? Said he drove her to South Central to score crack. Yeah, to score crack. That was me. I. I did a phone interview with Range whoever and. Oh my God, by the way, do you see how you should just never believe anything anymore? Any pushback from your parents or the community at large when they see you on one of these shows? Well, I would say I told my dad about the first time I did it. He's like, that's probably a dumb move. You shouldn't. Couldn't do that again. Yeah, but to be fair to you, it's not like you're going to be running for office in a few short years or it's going to come back to haunt you or something, Right? No, I. I've been, I've been naked on the Internet for a few years. So it's not like. Right, right. Wait, doing what? Don't bury the lead. I'm a semi. Semi professional porn star. Good luck with that. I don't. I do, I do a lot of different stuff. I'm a. I don't know. That's like. I've acted in porn. Yeah, no, you performed. Brian, you're a jack off on all tips or something. However it works. Hey, I don't know if they do product placement in these porn movies, but could we work in a bottle of Mangria? I'm not saying the chick with it. You could work in the bottle of Angria. Yeah. While it's open. But no. Could just have it on the nightstand or something. Or take a hit off it and go. Man, this stuff makes me super hard. This message is brought to you by the Cologuard test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45 and because many people with early stage colon cancer have no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus most insured patients pay $0 and if follow up care is needed, this is usually covered by insurance. With zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podcast do not use Cologuard if you have had adenomas, have implant inflammatory bowel disease and certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for a colonoscopy. In high risk patients. The Cologuard test is available by prescription only. Netcredit is here to say yes because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by Netcredit or lending partner banks and serviced by Netcredit Application subject to review and approval. Learn more@netcredit.com partners netcredit credit to the people this message is brought to you by the Cologuard Test. Cologuard is a one of a kind way to feel more in control of your colon cancer screening through a use at home test with none of the prep that's required for a colonoscopy. The Cologuard test is the only FDA approved non invasive screening test that looks for both altered DNA and blood in your stool. The American Cancer Society recommends if you are at an average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45. And because many people with early stage colon cancer have no no symptoms, colon cancer screenings are crucial for early detection. Plus most insured patients pay $0 and if follow up care is needed, this is usually covered by insurance. With zero downtime, no special preparation and a use at home screening test that's delivered right to your door. It's time to put your health first. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Cologuard test. You can also request a Cologuard prescription today@cologuard.com podcast do not use Cologuard if you have had adenomas, have inflammatory bowel dise. In certain hereditary syndromes or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer, false positive and negative results may occur. Any positive results should be followed by a colonoscopy, not a replacement for a colonoscopy in high risk patients. The cologuard test is available by prescription only. And Zach the Virgin. See Zach's 16 year old. Zach from Santa Maria. Let's talk to Zach. Zach. Yes. Oh, Zach. What's going on? Nothing. I. Big fan of the show. Big fan. Zach. Yes. Are you a virgin? I take it you're a virgin. Yeah. Hold on a second. Shocking. All right, I forgot about the giggling. It's fun to listen to this stuff because I don't remember half of it. Yeah, I remember, like Baldwin calling in, but I remember getting into all whatever we got into with Baldwin favorite episode of the year for a reason. That's right. The winner is Brian, the fake Whitney Houston drug dealer. Well deserved. Yeah, that was entertaining and educational. It was also so weird that I was just randomly watching TV going, what's weird? Something's weird. Something's not right about this. And turned out there was something that was not right about it. And he was a fan of the show. Crazy. All right, rant of the year. And this is the third participant. This is Shitty Neighbors, the third nominee for rant of the year. Shitty Neighbors. Can I just say this? I've had the douchey neighbors too. And the ones that get up in your fucking grill and the ones where you can't get away with anything, like where you go, let's just try trim of that branch that's hanging over into my yard. And then you say to your guys, do it on Wednesday at like 11am when this guy's at work because he's such a. He's in everyone's grill. And it's sure enough, you're trimming the branch, it's hanging into your yard, and the guy's coming around and knocking on your door. The very first thing with all these douchebags is, why don't you have a job? God knows what's going on at my house because I'm gone all day. You could be raping the out of my dog, making sweet love to my wife, and raining my booze cabinet all day long because I'm not there. I am gone all day every day. If you want to trim a branch that's on my property, on my tree that's hanging onto your property, and you plan to do it at 11 in the morning on Wednesday, guess who's not going to be there to knock on your door with the snarky excuse. You. I'm gone. I'm working. The first thing that all these fucking assholes are is home all fucking day. It's like, I'm just sitting here Thursday on my sofa reading a book, and I have to smell this person's right. What the fuck are you doing at home? Get the fuck to work, you lazy sack of shit. That's the first thing about all these fucking people say. Never leave the house. I can't be annoyed by my annoying neighbors. I'm not home. They're home all the time. You'd be annoyed, too if you're just home monitoring everything all the time. It's the first thing these douchebags do to kill yourselves. You kill yourselves. You. I hate them. I hate them. They're just home all the time. They're angry, they're pissed off, and then they want to know what's going on with your. And it's like, why are you home? And why. Why? What does this guy do? Him, everyone. It is true when people are like, hey, you know, you're refinishing your pool or your sandblasting your house or something. You're like, it's noon on Thursday. What. The bigger question is, why are you experiencing this? Like, why are you taking this in? I know it woke you up from your nap or you're trying to catch up on some reading and this sound of the whatever, but it's like, what are you doing? Why are you fucking home all day? The guys who are doing it are working. Why are you not doing this? Everybody's at work all day. All right, Best interview next. I don't even know what that is. The nominees for best interview are. Joe Perry, Steven Tyler. Sounds like a perfection. Yeah. I mean, it can get from. I mean, he has this thing where he thinks that, you know, bumping into the, like, physically, like, actually bumping into somebody is. Is cool. I don't know where he gets that from. I mean, there's a certain kind of, like, thing when you see a band, you know, like, interact physically with each other, but. But what he does is he comes up and he blindsides you. You know, I'm down there focusing on, you know, solo and. Right. He's always. He's going to be doing something all the time, right? So, you know, he'll come up from behind and I've had to, you know, get. Get in his face and say, steven. You know, it really throws me off when I'm Doing that, you know, at least let me see you coming if you're gonna do that, you know, let me see you do it. And so, you know, there was one time this, this two tours ago, and I was standing on the edge of the stage, like really giving it up. And right in front of me is just blackness, you know, and I know there's like cameras down there and speaker cabinets and all this stuff and also a barrier and you know, and then there's the fans and right on the edge of the stage, blinded by the, by the spotlights and he comes up behind me and almost, I almost go into the audience and I was like, I saw red. And so when I finished the solo, because I've had, you know, I had this discussion since 1973, you know what I mean? So he was standing on the side of, you know, playing to the, to the side of the people because we have this ramp going down there and, and there were a bunch of security guards in front of him. And I walked by and I hip checked and from behind and, and I said, you know, gave him a taste of his own medicine because it's usually the stuff that he remembers, you know. Right. And, and I saw him teeter a little bit back and forth like that. And I'm going, is he gonna go in? Is he not? Is he gonna go in? And sure enough, over to the audience and he was caught by the security guards. And you know, I went back, I didn't mean for him to go in, but. Right. I wasn't exactly unhappy that he did. You know, I reached down, he tried to pull me into the audience, you know, because he was, he was pissed. Then I pulled, you know, we pulled him up and then that was it. But, you know, I didn't get any, any shots from behind after that. David Cho, at this point, my career in art, like, it was going pretty good and. But I just gotten out of prison and I had a lot of bills I had to pay and. Sure, you run up a tab. How long were you in prison for? I was in there. I served three months out of a seven year sentence in Japan. And yeah, I don't, I guess I don't like talking about that part now because, well, I want stop bringing it up. Well, well, yeah, there's things in motion right now, but. Okay, so I get out of jail. How do you do three months out of a seven year prisoner? That same. We in Japan as we are here, I, I don't even know. I like, my lawyer was like the worst lawyer I've ever had. And they just let me out. I couldn't. I couldn't believe it. So do they. How do the Japanese feel about Koreans? It's like being, you know, an Arab in. In a Jew country or. Or it's like. It's like, not fans. It's not. The thing that trumps everything in prison is talented talent. Right. If you're in prison and, like, you're in Nazi Germany and, you know, you can sing or dance or tell a joke or draw, or you could do tattoos, right? Yeah. I mean, anything to, like, take the boredom away. Then they forget your race and then. And then you're a celebrity. Hey, draw me. Draw me. And then. Hey, yeah, the guys are. Yeah. Racist. But they have their team and their quarterbacks black. It doesn't matter. Yeah, this one's okay or whatever. Exactly. Great. So you. That's what you did in. In Japan. Right. And so when I got out, I. I didn't, like, give up, but I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm never gonna make a good living doing art. Because you don't become a graffiti artist as a career. Like, that's just like. I want to express myself in the spectrum of entertainment. Right. You have tv, movie, video games, music, all this. And. And then at the very bottom. The bottom is like, books and art, right? Yeah. So when you do a team well, I feel you get a lot of respect with books and art. It's done. Right. But that's all you get. Yeah. You don't get money. Yeah. Like, no, like the top. The number one comic book artist in the world. Like, you don't even know who that is. Right? No, but, like, kill myself. I knew who that was. Exactly. So when you do movies, tv, it's like at the top of the list, Right. There's the most censorship. Right. You can't do this, you can't do that. So at the very bottom, like, you can do whatever you want. Yeah. Because nobody cares. Yeah, Nobody cares. But you can express yourself freely. So I. I knew that and I said, you know what? I get to say and do anything. Express myself fully. Not gonna make a living doing this. So I said, I really don't. And I had worked every minimum wage job you can think of, and I said, without continuing to keep going to jail, how can I make as much money as possible within the law and still have enough time to create art? So then I became a professional gambler, and so I made a great deal of money doing that. And then that sort of the gambling almost fueled the art. Because now I didn't have to sell my art anymore. William Shatner I grew up very lonely. I grew up not knowing exactly who I was or what I did. When I went to school, we would have Valentine's Day. There would be Valentine's Day, and I was in public school right now, 10, 12, whatever. And people would send Valentine's cards to their friends in class. Right. I was so anxious that somebody send me a Valentine's card. I sent Valentine's cards to myself, and they were the only ones I got. Because you didn't want people to see you sitting alone at your desk and not opening envelopes while they were opening envelopes. I used to walk closely behind people. In those days, you walked to school. I was within 10, 12 blocks of the public school, so I found myself walking close, as though I belonged to a group of people who were walking to school. But now, even though I was walking alone, why is that? And I can never figure out how this works. You're very good looking. You athletic looking, at least. You probably excelled at sports. You're talented, you're funny, you're spontaneous. Why not just be the belle, the ball? Why feel that way about yourself? You know, I look back at pictures of when I never wanted to look at myself when I was in Star Trek. And at the time when youth and energy and quality are showing in your face, right? So that what passes for good looks is happening then. And I look at pictures like, wow, I was good looking, but I never knew it. Joe Rogan. That's how it goes. Your parents shouldn't have had any kids. Terrible idea. Yeah. I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 7. Oh, really? Yeah. His name is Joe Rogan. I don't even know him. He lives in Somewhere in New Jersey. Yeah, My parents broke up when I was five years old. I haven't seen him since I was six. Joe does. Joe Rogan, who must get stopped a lot. Go. Joe Rogan. Hey, you're not related to Joe Rogan Joe Rogan, are you? He has daughters that contacted me a long time ago, and they wanted to go on the radio with nuance. And I was like, d, Nope. No, thank you. I don't want to get involved. Is dad still alive? I don't know. What do you think your posture would be if tomorrow the phone rang and it was Joe Rogan senior saying, how'd you get my number, bitch? And what if he said, hey, all I can tell you is I'm sorry and I want to be a part of your life. No, no, you don't. No, no, it doesn't work that way. What could he do to. I'm not interested. I have a lot of people I already know in my life. At a certain point in time, I'm not. The worst that could come out of it is not worth risking. The worst that can come out of it is. I have this nutty fucking person in my life, used to beat my mom up, and he wants to say sorry because he's facing the grave. He's staring at the yawning abyss, and he wants to, like, clean up the problems. Like, you don't get to clean up every problem. Well, I had. I, I, and I try to tell this to people because they'll do. People will go like, buddy's your dad. And it's like knowing your friends are, in my opinion, the most important aspect of your life and your family. Right? You, you, you can't pick your parents. You can't pick your crazy uncle come over your house and drink. Yeah. You know, like, hey, Uncle Bob, you're a douchebag. Okay? No, you're not welcome on my house. Get out of here. You're a crazy person that I have DNA that's connected to. So you, you choose. Who do you let in and don't let in your life outside of your family. At a certain point in time, you have to recognize that it's your own problem. If you let obvious problems into your life, like, you've decided to allow this, what's the best that could come out of it? I make an old guy feel good before he dies. Terrific. If you're out there, good luck, Buddy. Have a nice life. I don't know you, but thanks for knocking my mom up. I'm enjoying life. And I'm with you. I'm with you in that job. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Son of a deserved thing. I'm not interested. It's. Right. It's not. I don't make a judgment as far as, like, I want to punish him or it's like, I'm not interested in complicating my life any further. I'm busy enough. If, if I take five minutes with this guy and it's five minutes away from me talking to my kids. Him and Tracy Morgan. He went AWOL and made me. Let's see, my brother's two years older than me, so I want to say maybe 67. I was born in 68. He did some time. I don't know what quite how much Tommy did, but he Was there for a while. And your father died of AIDS. Yeah, 1987. Yeah. Geez. He went over there. You gotta understand, man. He was drafted at 17. And young boys over there, a lot of them picked up them bad habits just to get through the night. You over there. 17. I got three sons. Listen. My oldest son is 30. I watched. Watched all of them when they turned 17. My youngest son is 22. Okay? And I couldn't imagine me sending my son over there at 17 years old. So your dad goes to Vietnam. 17. At 17. And that's how I got my name, Tracy. Because on the way there, he met this young Irish dude. They were both scared dudes. The boy's name was Tracy. Three days after they got there, he stepped on something. He was blown to pieces. Tracy was. Yeah, that's how my father named me. Tracy Morgan. Jesus Christ. And then died at 39. 39. I was 19. I lost my father twice when he came home. My mom's had four kids. She had to kick him to the curb because I'm shooting dope. Wow. Then when I got up with him, he was diagnosed, so I lost him twice. You know, the hardest times of my life were way behind me. Man, I love how insanely pragmatic Joe Rogan is. Don't you? Don't you just love that? Just purely whatever makes sense. That's his entire life. And I told you guys, I called Tracy Morgan, right? We just heard him. Yes. Yeah. No, I told you. Yeah. Like semi recently, right? Yeah. It was crazy. He was crying on the phone, and it was, like, crazy. It was a crazy, crazy moment. What's crazy is in that clip, he says, the toughest times are definitely behind me. Or something to that effect. Yes. Then he gets into a horrific car accident. But if you think about it, I don't know what could be more horrific than what he already experienced. All right, the winner is Joe Rogan, everybody. Now, here's a category. I. I don't even know what we're playing. I haven't heard any of this stuff, although I was there when it went down originally. Previously. Oh, this is in a ceremony. Previously, these awards were awarded. Oh, I see. This is the Schmace Awards. You know, what's her name? Julia Reed Dreyfus hosted these. She hosted these. Previously awarded. Yes. In a private ceremony held earlier, daytime Ace awards were given out in the following categories. Best reality show. The mayor of Seattle this week pardoned a tofurkey. You guys are so good. That is. I. You not. That is a thing that actually happened in the city of Seattle this week. All the. All the poor writers at the Onion are going, why didn't we think of that Cheetah? Jesus Christ. That is an absolutely real thing. I've just thought of my new late night show. It's called Holy with John Wayne's Drunken Corpse. Sounds like a cable show. Oh, no, this is network. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just reanimate John Wayne. I get him drunk, ironically on Wild Turkey. Okay. And I just explained to him what's going on in 2014. And he goes, holy, the mayor of Seattle. And he'd go like, oh, yeah, that's a good guy. We used to chase skirts and go drinking. No, no. Another mayor. New mayor. That guy's gone. There's something called tofurkey. Hold on, homo. Well, maybe we could call the show Hold On, Homo. Best sitcom. What about pubes for merkins? You know, you hear so much about merkins and it's. I feel like it's a rite of passage as a young person when you discover what a merkin is. It's a lot of merkin humor. Has anyone ever seen a merkin? Where are the merkins? I would like to good name for a four camera sitcom coming this fall. Where are the merchants? Whole family with huge bushy pubes. And everyone has to pretend like they don't really see it bulges in the front of their pants. Every. Every episode is like, the big beach volleyball tournament's coming up. Don't tell the Mergens. Oh, here he comes. Remember last year? Oh, no. Harry Merkin is the dad. That's right. Oh, that's right. Nappy Merkin is the grandma. Blondie Merkin is the. The youngest daughter. Yeah. The son is Buzz Merkin. Best public service announcement. One time I got high on mushrooms and I wasn't feeling anything, but I was with a chick who was kind of freaking out. And I was riding a motorcycle at the time. And I was like, you know what? You're riding a motorcycle on mushrooms. Yeah. And I was like, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. I was an idiot. Are you kidding me? Hey, you're not dead. Not yet. You should be dead. You might be. I wasn't one of my smartest friends and I just found out you're the biggest idiot out of all my friends. I wasn't getting off on the mushrooms. Like, I should have just shit melting around you while you drive on your motorcycle. It wasn't happening. Like, I could feel myself. I was high, but I wasn't that I should have a psa. Or at least when it comes time to get the kids their learner's permit. I should really sit down and go now, kids, just because your dad rode a Honda 404 when he was eating a psilocybin mushroom. Psilocybin. Whatever. Look, point is, by the way, don't use nutty peanut butter when you eat them. Use smooth because you'll be chewing. Huh? Please stay on the script. Oh, drinking and driving is no joke. And neither is eating mushrooms or riding a motorcycle. Let me scat a little, if you don't mind. This bitch was freaking out on me, so I was like, I'm getting on my motorcycle and going to another one. My friend's house who's not high on mushrooms. And, you know, I wouldn't say it was raining. It was just a light drizzle. And I was wearing a helmet, not full face. And either way, it wasn't a very long ride to my other friend's house. I think we got enough. This particular psa. I think we got enough. I'd like to add a little more. We'll keep going. We'll just turn the lights out. Yeah. Best morning show. Spunk and vom. Lady. Spunk and vomit. Sound like a morning team. Hey, it's 8:33. It's 27 away from the top of the hour. We got news, traffic, traffic and weather coming up. Top of the hour. Spunk and vomit over here. Vomit. Hold on, I got. Oh, yeah. Hey, let's talk while I'm in my refractory period. What's going on out there? We got mattress and lanes on the 405. Look out for brake lights on the 110. It's slow and go. Let's check in with the temperatures around the Southland. Whittier, checking in 73 degrees. And Cedar, 73. Van Eyes, 73. Irwindale, 73 degrees. Don't puke again. Ah, this just in. Pasadena and Ara. 73 degrees. Mission Viejo, 30. No, 73 degrees. I misread that. Also Canoga Park, Lancaster, New Hall, Saugus area. Checking in. 73 degrees. 73. Santa Monica, 73. On Mars. 73. In your 73. 100 years from now. 73. If you build a time machine and go back to the Jurassic period of time or The Bronze Age. 73 degrees. Oh, Jesus. Best airline food review. You tell me if you've ever had on the ground a leek omelette. Leaks. Nope. I didn't even know what a fucking leek was. I wanted to take a fucking leek on the Menu. Leeks and fontina cheese. Leeks and fontina. I'm just sitting there going, does anyone ever. Has anyone eaten an omelette? One. Where's the leeks? Where's it leaks? And best reality host. But I'm really looking to kind of step it up and turn it into a legitimate source of income. Yeah. What do you think this is? Fucking Shark Tank? Fuck do we know about soap? I wash my hands with you. You out. I'll give you nothing for half the company. I'll not sodomize you for 50% of the company offered that. It would be great. Just do one drunken super rich guy who sat in the middle and shouted out insults. I have a line of beef jerky down. Looking to expand into the Midwest. Yeah. Let me have a bite of that. Yeah, Here you go. Try, try. It's delicious. This tastes like bad. This tastes like Marilyn Monroe's four years after she was buried. Get this. As a matter of fact, I need another hit, a Johnny Walker in order to get this taste out of my mouth. This tastes like zombie. Here's your offer. I don't beat the shit out of you on camera. That's it. The alternative. That's as far as I go. So no matter what I'm gonna beat up, I will not put your glasses up your rectum. Okay? That is. That is my promise to you. That's as far as I go. You drive a hard bargain. I want 90% of your company and 100% of your wife. Life. All right, we are going to take a quick break. When we come back, we have many more categories to go Outstanding achievement on. Shitting on a point. Also, Rant of the Year, Part four. Oh, patent trolls. Friends of the show, Joe Coy and many, many more. Right after this, the man vs. Mangria award for Outstanding achievement in Inebriation goes to. Howie Mandel. I am medicated. I do see psychiatrists. But my medication seems to really coexist well with Mangria. Adam. Howie seemed sober when he showed up. He was. I was. Which, by the way, was like seven minutes. I am now. Next question. Question from Thomas of San Francisco. Playing with a weird name that is Hot Girls and Thomas. I'll let him ask. I'm Howard of Canada. Tom, how he gets combative when he gets drunk. Don't you think that somebody who calls himself Thomas of San Francisco is full of themselves? You're Tom. You are Tom. I don't give a. I am Thomas of San Francisco Francisco. Do one more and then Howie can go throw up in the boot of his car. Is that your way to say goodbye to me? I know your wife's pissed off somewhere. Wherever she is, she's. My wife is in the room and she's pissed. But she didn't know. She had no idea that I would be performing in front of Thomas of San Francisco. No. I'm so up. I don't give a what you think about what I'm saying. I am enjoying me. And that's the beauty of Mangria. Wow. Love Howie Mandel. He earned that one. Oh, God, that guy's fun. And again, just walked into the green room. By the way, Dawson, he sounds just like you. Does he? He poked his head in the door at like 9:03 and the show was going to start at 9:15. And he went, hey. And I said, oh, that's Dawson. So I didn't turn around and then I heard, hey, once again. Wait. Say hey, Dawson. Hey. Yeah, I just thought, well, everyone else is in the room, so if someone's poking their head in the door and yelling, hey, it must be Dawson. So I didn't really try. If you heard a female voice, would you have also thought, it must be Dawson? You know, I'm really good at Mangria too, so maybe we can do a sober and a drink. I just did a math where it's like, who is poor? Poking their hand into the green room, going, hey. You know? So I thought it was Dawson trying to get hold of Max Apata, tell him to go downstairs or something. And then eventually I turned around and it was Howie Mandel. All right. Outstanding Achievement in Shitting on a Point or Story is next. The nominees for Outstanding Achievement in Shitting on a Point or Story are. Ray Oldhoffer. You've gotta run all the way around the range. No, you have to go touch the end. All right, that was the deal. And then run back. Thank you for making the story 20% shittier. I appreciate it, Ray. Anyway. Yes. No, you're right, Ray. You don't run all the way around the rink. You just go straight all the way to the end and turn around and come back. Yeah, it makes it 20% less interesting. Oh, go ahead, Adam. Thanks, Dick. Oh, don't you have a groundlings class coming up? Yep. You got to go from one end to the other. Sorry for saying you have to run around. Why do you got to do that, Ray? What's your impulse? Why? I. I'm just trying to add to the story. You're not adding to it. You're making it shitty. You're making it shittier. You're making it less. Brian Bishop. That's a lot of room for crane cream. Wait, I promise you, the cream, the milk, the half and half cost of them a lot more than the coffee. So they're actually losing money on it. Ah, Valentine, their coffee is pennies. Listen to me, listen. What I'm saying, that makes sense. Dude, listen. You have enough room for cream. The way they do it. That's my initial cream. When they. No, I think you use the amount of cream. Cream that you want. Well, don't you use the amount of cream you want? Why would you ask for cream? Sorry, why would you ask for room if you're. If you're. Does anyone. Because you want a little. Why would you feel like I'm talking to a trash can? Ray. Old hoffer. I walked through my first apartment with my landlord and he literally, he. He looked at me and he said it was a one bedroom that we had three dudes living in for like four years. And with the animals and the race cars. Different. Yeah, four years. And by the way, left in good shape, not in horrific shape. You guys didn't kill the place. Thanks, Ray. Oh, did I fuck up in another one of your stories? Gee, I'm sorry. The landlord remarked on how clean it was. Good enough. There you go. That's what he said. No thanks, Ray. Brian Bishop. I was in the back of the first class and I looked down at the menu and I saw the wasabi crusted salmon topped with a sweet papaya pineapple marmalade and pureed. I don't even know what the. That word is. Daffinois. Daffinois potatoes. I looked at that one, I almost. It was like garage, like. All right, can we, can we stop jacking off on the food here, people? And then I looked under it and it said classic cheese lasagna. And I was like. Anything that's got the word classic in it, I'm down with. Because last time I got a pizza that goat cheese on it on this goddamn flight and a, you know, carob shavings on it or something. I want some. Something. So I look down, classic cheese lasagna. I'm in. Am I the only one thinks the salmon looks really good? Is it. What's wrong with. What's wrong with the salmon? That sounds delicious. Anyway. Yes, it looks good to you? Yeah. What's wrong with it? Nothing. Okay. All right. Why you? I'm sorry. All right, it's good. We should all get it. Why should we not get it? Cuz I'M going, I'm going a direction, Brian. Okay. Do you not feel the direction? No, I do. I, I, I guess I just. Should we all just get out of your way when you talk about food or should we have a conversation? What's. I, I thought we were going to. No, you know, you don't have to blindly agree with me. Okay, all right. I'm sorry, man. All right. Have a conversation. Okay. No, it looks. I, I think we should all get the salmon. And Mike, Dawson, everyone I know loves pineapple upside down cake. Let's do a quick. Dawson. Yeah, boss? Do you like pineapple upside down cake? No, I do not. All right, moving on. Yeah, still, I knew he would. Let's find out here. Dawson, other than you, who enjoys pineapple upside down cake? Now, I know Gary enjoys it quite a bit because he did it. I enjoy it quite, quite, quite a bit. Brian. It's very good. Not in my top five desserts, but very good. Very good. Yeah, I like it. I don't come across it very often. All right, Joe. Only eat it when it's around. I love it every time. Okay. All right. Fondelier. Is everyone sitting down enjoys it. All right. Thumbs up. That means he really likes it. He even eats the fake cherry in the middle. So the, I think out of, I don't know, nine people. Eight or nine people here. Let's just say out of eight people, seven people like it very much. Sounds about right. Now, when is the last time any of us have eaten a piece of pineapple upside down cake? And I think the over under seven years last year. I knew that. Fucking Dawson. Just don't want to let you down. That's right. You don't normally kick a shit on a story that's coming in and leaving. You know what I mean? But that was a rare experience. Wow. Wow. The winner is Dawson, everybody. With the pineapple upside down cake. So he hates pineapple. Pineapple upside down cake. But he's had it in the. Yeah, last calendar year. My mom makes it every year around Easter time. What is. And, and according to everyone who loves it, she makes a great pineapple upside down cake. I don't like fruit on dessert. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. You like pineapple? I love pineapple. Now, I don't know where. This is why we love pineapple. This is why everyone loves Dawson. Right? Because the number one answer for why I don't like pineapple upside down cake is I just don't care for pineapple. And then you have no Move after that once they say, I don't care for pineapple. Do you like pineapple right side up cake? Yeah. There's no. Well, it's the geometry of the thing. Yeah. Like, once someone says, I don't like pineapple, or, my father was killed by Samoan or something like that. You just have to move on. But when they go, I love pineapple apple, now we have difficulty. Yeah. Because it's just a sticky, moist cake at that point with pineapple. Dessert for me, should not have fruit in it. I'm a chocolate dessert guy. I'm weird. All pies are out. It's. It's. No, not all pies are out. But that's never, ever one of my first. But hold on. What. What's up with everyone with the rules? Like, where they go, I like nuts, I like dessert, but I will not tolerate nuts on my dessert. You like cheese, Adam? Yeah, I like cheese. You like goat cheese on your pizza? Goat cheese is not cheese. It's liquid goat. It tastes like goat. Why isn't that one of these rules? There's one rule. There's one cheese where you can tell what animal came from, and that's a fucking goat. Like, you smell it and you go, that smells like a goat. And that's why I don't want it on my fucking pizza pie. Well, the whole thing with pizza is pizza existed for a thousand years with no goats. It's fine without it. Just make the best fucking pizza you can make. Pineapple upside down. You love pineapple, Dawson. Yes, that's the beauty of Dawson. All right, that's enough. Rant of the year. This is our fourth installment, our fourth nominee for rant of the Year. Patton Troll. As the great refrigerator Perry once said to me, when we're fishing, you done worked your way back up to a zero after I caught a fish. He was serious. Wise words, right? I can beg for money, make a couple trips back and forth to Texas, have a couple conference calls, be included on a string of emails, and basically suck up. You know, nine months of my life, a year of my life. Life to do what? Work my way up to zero to get back to zero, spend thousands of dollars, make tons of phone calls, emails, times chewed up. I mean, it's. It's all just time. It's like, all right, you got a window. Your windows got another 20, 25 years to do this shit. Who wants to say this amount of it was spent circling the block of life looking for a parking space? And then how good a mood are you supposed to Be in when you finally find the parking space after circling the block a baker's dozen times. You know what I'm saying? So the patent troll thing would be awesome, but it's one of those things. It's like beating a ticket. You lose, you owe the city of Burbank $368. You win. You just gave away two days of your life to win. Nothing you're winning is not giving money to people that are trying to steal money from you. The is going on. And then the question is, how much of our life do we want to give away? Okay? Jesus Christ, can we get on with things? And I know we live an extra seven years, but it's not an extra 70 years. Where's all the coming from? How much time I have into this patent control already. People could just hijack your life. And. And they know it. They go, you don't want your life hijacked. Give us $3 million, we'll go away. By the way, so what now? That makes it okay? You know, you're not a victim anymore. Society is definitely going into the toilet. You know, these are the best rants of the year. Because as they play, Adam gets fired up. The facial expression, fresh and angry. All right, let's put a smile on my face. Best friend of the show, part two. Nominee number two, Our second nominee for best friend of the show, Joe Coy. Yes, yes, yes. Cora Corolla. It's a children's show. The song is missing a little something. Yeah, little je ne sais quoi. Oh, sex. No, no, je ne sais quoi. No, it's just a little something. Little naked women. No, no, it's just missing something. I have a je ne sais quoi. One time in Vietnam. No, two girl. One guy. Oh, you're thinking of Minaj. Ah, yeah. No, no, that's one word I know for sure. Okay. All right. Anyway, yeah, we. Yeah, sometimes there's two guys. Not so much. Like, kind of boring. Too much. Anyway. We too much tu. Too much tu. Cock. Too much. Yeah, that's one too many. Yeah. No life. Yeah, I like that. Bungalow. This is taking a turn. I mean, his version is undoubtedly catchy. I just don't think it's working. Yeah, but shooting it into the eye. That's what I'm saying. Single. Come out next month. No, just like that. I wanna zoom, zoom I wanna zoom a zoom a zoom, a zoom. Yeah. Don't say that part. Yeah, just do the zoom part. I wanna zoom. Let's harmonize. How many, how many who you go low, I go high. Harmonize, harmonize, harmonize, harmonize. You go start, start from top. I go with you. I wanna zoom. I wanna zoom, zoom. I wanna zuma, zuma, zuma, zuma. I'm not saying that it sounds so good. What the am I supposed to do? I am sugar. No, you're brown sugar. And I'm gonna take over the pine. Sugar is sugar. Obviously. There's just bigger than the other sugars, all right? That's the problem. Sweet and low don't even have a dick. Okay? You talk a lot about little pink bag. You want people, people to integrate you into their forms of confection. You never stop talking about your cup. What? White sugar got a little dick of good credit. That's it. Yeah, that's right. Brown sugar got a big dick. And a lot of loans. Unpaid loans. I'll get to it. If you get me in the pantry. So I can work with the other baking goods. Right. I can pay off these loans. Right? But all the dick talk is go see my kids. Kids. All the dick talk. The kids I got. I've seen the sack of Toll House morsels. There's a bag of raisins in the pantries that I know. The point is this. Got my eyes. What I'm asking is this. It's this dick talk that prevents you from getting into the pantry. Tik tok is real talk. But you never stop talking about your dick. You never stop using. You never recognize me for my dick. Where's Aunt J Mama at? She got put in the pantries. Well, initially, just to help. Now she's there full time. The point is this. We would like to help you get into the pantry. But it's all the dick talk. I get into the pantry. Stop talking about your penis. It's not a penis. Stop talking about your dick. Are you dick. Sorry. It's a big, black, brown dick. All right? And stop with the profanity. Okay? You to have knocked out a woman and a horse, each with one punch. On Tuesday, I knock out a horse. On Wednesday, I knock out a woman. On Friday, it's you, Sugar Ray Leonard. Listen, Roberto better die. Listen, I knock out a woman. Well, yeah, I know Roberto. Yeah. Try know you want Sugar Dre. You're hitting women. I knock out a woman. I'm working on a speed bag. I'm working on a double ended bag. Not a woman. I have a woman. Lines of women. I knock out one bunch in a row. I don't feel like that's good. Shut up, woman. Yeah. First Off. I can see that being a super expensive training camp. I'd knock out we meaning. And I knock out a horse we don't want. How about you get like a welterweight training partner instead? You know, a guy with some fights under his belt and train with size at this woman. 120 pounds. I fight Orthodox. A pure woman. And I knock her out. Yeah, with a £1. I know your hand's a stone, but maybe. Yeah. Don't punch women. Hold on. Oh, yeah. Roberto, that's my mom. There's my sister, my grandmother from the train. I knock out another woman. I want everyone to know this the day of the fight, any woman that's sitting in the audience, I'm gonna knock them out. What about horses? What about horses? They're okay. Oh, really? All right. The great, the great Roberto Duran. Hands of stone. He really is mean. Jo Koy, everybody. Wow. Gonna be tough. Jo Coy and Dag Shay Morris. Coming up now, live musical performance. The nominees for best live musical performance are. Adam and Lisa Lampanelli for Young Girl. Pigtails for Lolita. You're just a baby Diapers. I like this part. Grown to be this the great a slime. Right me that. Come on, look. Is in your house getting in the bed. I'm just an old dude with a T. Girl, you better. Oh, yeah. Please. No more help will be missed. Adam and Chris Jericho for Undone it was too late she's come undone when she found out she couldn't fly Mama. It was too late it's too late she's gone too far. All right, everyone take a breath. Ladies and gentlemen, she and the show has reached a new low. Wow, you guys, it's a real super group. They got nominated. Kelly James for Drunk Fish. Allison, since we cut off your segment, what's the next story? And we'll sing about that. Okay, this is what we gotta love. Because he has no idea what the next story is. It's about drunk fish. Drunk fish. Okay. I keep on drinking. You know, I never quit. I wanna get as drunk as that fish. You can follow me cause I'm making bold moves. Chillin with Ace. You know how he do shots of Patron or whatever that was? He had 12 years backstage. He's buzzed. I know how he does. I free freestyle spit. He's up here drunk as a fish. Ace is the man. But yeah, you know, he could do this stuff drunk. Oh, so he could do it in his sleep or every single week. He doesn't even need a crowd. He could do it for you and me. Well, Allison, you see, I apologize that we cut off your whole segment, but honestly, you made me freestyle about a drunk fish and some signs of terrorist experiment. I don't really know what they were trying to get out of it, but some people do weird things in science. And I'm like, who the hell funded that project and who's lying? They probably spent 3 million of our money. Taxpayers money. Ace, we know that ain't funny. But it's okay though. What more can I say? Guaranteed, they did that experiment in California. A. We got so much mud. And this dude's been. He's like, that's where the went my 10% state tax to do experimented on fish. And now they go in, oh, they want to do another rift and see if dogs or cats or mooses will follow themselves if they get goosed up and do it. You know how they go when scientists want to get crazy. And that's how they roll. And I'm like, okay, maybe that's how they roll. We gonna get fishes stoned and see what they do though. We'll spin spend 10 million to infuse water with weed. They're like, oh my God, we got this THC that will float around the pool and the fish keep eating it up. But that's how they do. We don't need no more cups of booze. Let's get another 15 million to test. And they like the fish. They seem less stressed. No fucking shit. Cause that's what we does. Honestly, who cares if the fucking fish are buzz? And that's how we do it. You probably went and killed them. But who cares about that? It's for our children. Spend taxpayers money doing dumb tests. And honestly, we know, whatever. The fish weren't stressed. But that's all I gotta say. That's what we do. So make some noise for Adam and these amazing tunes. Yeah. Thank you, Kelly James. By the way, Kelly James is going to be in San Francisco at the Brick and Mortar and that is at January 9th. And then Beverly Hills at Dave Cos Lounge. That is at January 10th. So you can get tickets@kellyjames.com we give a plug for our friends because Kelly James is a friend. All right, the winner is what? Kelly James not see that coming. He freestyled his way to the title. Such a talent. And when you see it in real time, it's that much more impressive. All right, now we move on to Song of the year. The nominees for song of the Year are. Rich Banks and Mike Lynch. All right, sometimes what I'm on stage at night And I'm up here sweating my ass off, playing my songs. Think about my lady. She's at home just sitting there, man, eating sushi, watching them Beverly Hills wives or what I wish. While I'm up here, she. She was at home running, running in place. You know, maybe give me a 10 push up. That's fair. Maybe she maybe cook up a pot roast. One, two, three. My stomach's empty. I'm getting hungry. Been on the road now When I get home, look for me. Cook for me. I need a woman. Yes, you cook for me now. Cook for me, baby. How about lasagna? Your Italian mama let Papa Manja cook for me. Stop the stove. Cook for me. Just put in the oven. That's a box with fire. Cook for me. Adam Ray. It's just a thank you song for having me on the podcast. Wow. This is an original company composition. Is this. Oh, yeah, wrote that. No, it's wrote the music, wrote the, wrote the lyrics, sang the tune. Well, enjoyed everybody. Once upon a time, before whoring was a crime, you could feel a pair of tits or boobies for a dime. Fifty years later, he was born in LA with a hammer and a gay haircut. But little did we know how his radio career would help his podcast grow. He's got books and shirts. He's honest till it hurts. And even though he looks Jewish, he's not Jewish. Hey, Ace, it's good to be back. I hope that you let me play the whole track. Cause your podcast is the best in the world. But you know that it is. Cause it's dope. Cause you've got so many downloads. Allison Dawson, August, Gary and Brian. I ain't lying. Can somebody hook me up with some freemasonry? The man show me you popular in Mars. You rode a unicycle? I'm dancing with the stars. I give you a kidney for one of your cars. Cause my phone escape is a big piece of. I'd rather ride them open than be seen in it. All your rides are collectibles. Oh, I bet your Lamborghini don't have cash. You stuck in the se. You've got so many shows and so much to do. From co hosted Loveline with Dr. Drew where people call in and you listen to why their jizz is the same color as spaghetti. Yo, what was that, bro? Check it. Yeah, what? Adam? Lakers Corolla. Thanks for having me on your podcast. Thanks for having me on your podcast. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Rich Banks. I've been quiet for so many years and now I've got to blow. I was the neighbor of both Ruby and Billy for five, five years or so. Well, Ruby's short for Reuben and those songs aren't really true. Yeah, Ruby was a dude, there was a crowd Crazy martial artist went by the name Asian War he was anti gay and crippled poor Billy the year before. Yes, it's true. Billy's numb in his lower extremities now he's going down on me. I could hear Billy scream Don't go to town through those paneled walls. Town was the nickname Ruby gave my cock and ball. I used to see him through my my window Wheeling that chair around While R was taking his love to town. Oh, Woody, it's your turn. Turn around. Wow. Rich Banks and Mike Lynch. Gary's flying he's in a pod long long way from home Feeding his meat on a big old jet plane with an iPad full of phone his dick's a handheld device to be stowed away but he won't stop until he's done jerking himself at a mile high he's just having some furnace class fun on that big old Jetta liner Please don't pull that blanket away on that big old jet outliner Cause Gary just made penis pompe and Rich Banks when this girl lays down in bed David Allen Green is in her head Poor Daniel lays there sawing LS as she starts to drift off Drift she likes the guys who sing, the guys who dance her dad gave her advice on romance he told her no Latins, Mandingos or Negroes but what she dreams of all night long. Big black doll Big black, big black, big black, big black dog Big black, big black. Wow. Wow. I don't know category. I mean, you gotta give. Gotta give love to Rich Banks. But Adam Ray, what's the wholly original composition? Right. Love that. A lot of styles in that song, too. Yeah. All right, the winner is Rich Banks and Mike lynch in Jack and On a Heir. Ah, jetliner. They're all good. Everyone's a winner in this category. All right, another part two of previously awarded at the Technical and Creative Arts Aces held earlier this year. Awards were given out in the following categories. Worst impression. So Bill Cosby did a lot of like, you know, his first show with Quincy Jones doing the hiccup Americans and some roads and some breeze. Miles ain't got no rigging going to get some braggots and some roads and some breeze of my Adam Ray for best drunk Best Friend. Oh, Allison, you give me the wants to go out and doesn't want to go out we'll figure it out. And I'll be the drunk, slutty best friend of Allison and the corner who's trying to block and get her to go. Yeah. Who are you? Are you. Yeah, I'm just. I. I haven't met you. Hi, I'm Adam. Yeah, well, you're gonna meet me at some point, cuz I'm Austin, Austin's best friend. So I'm gonna go. Hey, I'm gonna leave you to do. You do whatever and I'm gonna go get more food. All right. You load up at the buffet. Tanya. Hey. Hi. I had a Hear it. Book of Mormon, man. I've been wanting to see that. It's been out for so hard to get tickets though. 4 years and I haven't even seen it. And everyone is so good. Everyone to see is like. Is awesome. I totally want to see that. That says I relate to that so much. I was just saying to Tanya. You met Tanya? I was just saying to Tanya how much I want to go. Oh, she's yakking in the seven layer dip. She does. She does that. Yeah. Guys, I found my purse. Now it's eight layer dip. Best interruption. This is a great song. Oh, it kicks in. Oh, here it comes. A lot of broken streets of dreams and back then going. Yeah. You know what's awesome about this song? You not talking. You're not in it. All right. I'm with you. Come on. Come on, Dawson. It's my job. I got respect that. My job. My job. That was good. Great. Best drop by a female caller. Holla. Best drop by a male caller. Yes. The special award for LGBT awareness. Yeah. It would be more gay to want to a dude in his ass. You're saying that would be more in your ass because you have a problem. Like, scientific. I think we found some common ground here. You're saying it would be more gay if I was a dude in the ass? Yeah. Okay. I. You know. Do you really agree with that, though? It'd be more gay if I was a dude in the. And he asked. Yeah, it's hard to get gayers than a dude in the ass. Yeah. I mean, some. Someone you in the ass. Well, but this is a strap. With a strap on or not. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now any dude is gayer than anything with a girl. The gayest thing of all is sucking a dude's dick. That's the gayest of the gayest of gay. Best improvised 80s song. It started to rain and I fell for you again and I met you on the edge of Town and my papa wasn't around, so, girl, I got in the back of my bike and we rode. We rode all night. It's not that. It's not that. Dove Davidoff for biggest daddy issues. My mother told me that my father was getting blown by a guy at the wedding. Well, hold on. There was nothing gay about him. He'd been guys, but there was nothing. Hold on. Yeah, let's. Let's get back to your dad for a second. Yeah, sure. Guy was blowing him at the wedding, you know, I mean. Yeah, he. Yeah, I mean, was the tux a rental? Because I don't know exactly. I don't even know if they're wearing a tux. Wasn't that kind of wedding. I don't know. Blue velvet? Yeah. Yeah. Velvet. Yeah. How. Why did your mom tell you this? Why? I don't. Why? Well, because it wasn't the kind of thing that she would hide. I mean, it was. By the way, I have a short list of things that I'm going to hide from my kids. 1, 2, and 3. Getting sucked off at the wedding by. Dude, that. That's the top of my list of things to hide. She doesn't. There is no filter. Like that. My. That's not a filter. It's a hooler. I know, I know. It's a hula hoop. I know. There's no. There's no. Here's the thing. You don't have to not tell your kid that. Just when it never comes up in conversation, then you never have to allude to it. Not like. No, but she was like, recorded my mom and went, come on. You don't look at me and tell me dad wasn't sucked off by another human. Look me in the eye. The Nobel Prize for science. So I was on the road in. I don't know, I think I was doing a gig in Virginia or something. Somebody handed me a bio rhythm wheel, which I haven't seen since my mom was sitting in her piece of shit house in North Hollywood in 1974. Freak out. It's calibrated to your birthday. And there are three categories. So again, it's just good science, hard science. One category is sensitivity. That's your human relations. Another category is intellectual. Just how sharp you are. And the last one's physical, so I calibrated to you. And today. So today it's not looking good. I don't need a fucking wheel to tell you that. Yeah. So today you're in the negative for all three. So as far as the sensitivity category, you are Irritated today. No shit. And junior Irritation. Gloominess. Yes. Intellectually, you're not as sharp and you're. Oh, fucking shit. Fuck off. And physical, you're. You're a little sluggish and a little tired. That's. That's me. All right, hold on. Maybe there's something to this wheel. June 20th, though, things are coming up. Corolla. Oh, really? June 20th, just hold out another nine, we'll be in Phoenix. We'll be in Phoenix. Look out. Great fire rhythm day for Phoenix. Yeah. So that's going to be a good day for me. Now is today what, what my mom would call an extra critical day? No, critical days where it's basically where you cross over from bad to good and that's when things just is all in fluctuation. So not a good idea to drive your son to Van Nuys. No. Really? It says like on critical days, do not get in the car. Don't think she just had her set on critical. And I looked up yours. And I would stay home day for New Year's Day. And best guest host, Dana Gould. I had two of my kids in a grocery store once when I just had the two. We hadn't grown the third yet. You hadn't ordered her yet. Hadn't ordered her yet. Still. Still pending. Going to a grocery store right as they just melt down. They're like three and five and it's at that age it's like having eight. Speaking of Planet of the Apes. So we, I literally leave a, leave a cart of groceries in the store. All right, we're leaving. I couldn't do it. And I took him out to the car and I'm trying to buckle my 5 year old into her seat and she's kicking and kicking and kicking and I pointed my finger right at her and I went, knock it. Because she kicked my glasses off and I put my finger right in her face. I went, knock it off. Gestulating with my finger. I get her into her car seat, I get in my car, I get in the, the driver's seat and a woman knocks on my driver's side window and I go, yes. And I rolled on the window and she goes, would you kindly not slap your children in the grocery store parking lot. My brother was a policeman and he told me that sometimes you can throw people off if you ask them an out of context question, like why is that? When do they change that street light if someone's arguing with you. Like if a drunk is arguing with you and it's getting belligerent, you can you can derail them by going, what happened to that? There used to be like a neon light there and you'll throw them off. I had the groceries in the car from. Not the groceries in the car, cuz I left the groceries in the store, but I had the kids snacks in the car. There was a banana on the driver's side seat. And when that woman said, please don't hit your children in the parking lot, I just like, in the time it took to think, I saw the banana and I just grabbed and I said, hold this for one second. And I handed it to her and she took it and I drove away. Oh, Let me someday, McGould. Wow. All worthy winners. Everyone's a winner. All right, now we move on to the next category, Best drop by a guest, the ones everyone's been waiting for. The nominees for best drop By a guest are. Rob Hubel, the Greg Fitzsimmons. Get these out and give me some juice. Sean White. YOLO man. Dr. Drew. What I do now. And Alec Baldwin. Quiet, bald Brian. I have to defer to you on this one. Oh, am I picking the winner? Yeah. Oh, shit. God, so many good ones. Baldin already won. It's gotta be. Gotta be Dr. Drew. Yeah. Yeah. What I do now. What I do now. And now it's Best drop by staff member. The nominees for best drop by staff are. Germs, Germs, Germs, Germs, Germs. Dogs. Who am I? Nobody. You better give me another of nums. I feel like I found my soulmate. Yay. Wow. I mean, all very good, but how could it not be Allison finding her soul? Yeah. All our cockles are warmed by that. All right, next up, best friend of the show, Jay Moore. This time, our final nominee for best friend of the show, Jay Moore. And I'm thrilled anytime I get a chance to do your podcast. I don't know why people think David Ellen Greer and Joe Coy are on my level. They're not. Hey, Eddie Ver is here tonight. Thank you. He always has some rambling story before a song. You know, when Chianai Shek tries to unify Vietnam, it was a lot of opposition. Henry Kissinger had something called backdoor diplomacy. This is evolution. And then he sings like a goat. Well, Johnny Depp is Eddie Vedder at a higher register. Well, Eddie Vedder is very low like this, you know, and looks around a lot. And Johnny Depp is a little bit higher and wants you to wear scarves, as you've discussed, you know, Chris Rock. Pretty good I got Chris Rock pretty good pregnant and James Earl Jones fell out of his butthole. You got to be kidding, right? No, I'm not. Hey, man. Hey. I get everybody pregnant. You do? Yeah. Yeah. I go to LA Zoo and they st. They. They kick me out for getting people pregnant. They kick me out of the LA Zoo for getting animals pregnant. You didn't get Tina Fay pregnant, did you? No. Tina Fay is like my mother. Oh, okay. And not in the face. She breastfed me until I got over my cold. Did you get. Did you get Alec Baldwin? Yeah, I got. I got Alec Baldwin pregnant. That's how he became fat. Alec Baldwin. Oh, he's pregnant? Yeah. With your child? Yeah. Yeah, I get everybody pregnant. There's a lot of white women in here. I'm gonna leave beige babies all over the 101 freeway tonight, baby. This is a mating call all right here. What do you mean, what do I think? What the am I supposed to think? How am I. Those walking around and MC Hammer pants. You asking me what I think? Who gives a you two what the. What I think? Thomas. How. Thomas Who? What? Yeah, no, what I'm saying, Joe, is Thomas wants to know about Mangria. Oh, I don't know. Who's the Thomas? What? Thomas is over there. He's a rat. Rat? Whole family rats. He hails from the Bay Area, evidently. And he wants to know about Mangria. And I told him, look, by. The reason I can complain is no hot chick drinks Mangria, only Howie Mandel. But have you tried any Joe? Of course I tried. I'm hammered right now. You stuttering, pricking. What do you think I drink? Diet Coke, you prick. What the. Hello. How are you? Are you at the Wheel Turn tonight with Adam Corolla? He's good. You know, there's two different Al Pacino voices because in his earlier days of acting. You guys remember the Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon? He had a very high voice. And the Godfather, it was you broke my heart, Fredo. Don't ever ask me about my business, K. And then right around heat, somebody dropped a piano on his back. Anyway. Oh, are you to tell me I'm going to talk like this for the rest of my life? Oh, man. Fierce competition. So tough to choose the show. And I didn't choose. You know you didn't. This is. This is the powers that. Is it the nominating committee? Yeah, yeah, the Academy. No, I don't want that kind of friction when I see any of the guys out on the street. You know what I mean? The winner is Jo Koy. I feel like it would be deserved no matter who won. But Jo Koy was special. He'd be the most psychologically damaged if you want. We're getting very close to wrapping this up and going out and eating some Zeke's Smokehouse barbecue. These guys are great. They're located in Montrose. It's outside of Glendale, California. And this is where I go, by the way, to contemplate life. No, this is where I go when I've been on the road for a long time, been doing catch a contractor. And I go to my wife, I'm in the mood for barbecue. Let's go to Zeke's tonight. She goes, we'd like to do sushi. And I go, yeah, but it's been a while. I want some barbecue. Natalia wants sushi. And I go, yes, but all I fucking do is work. I just want some barbecue tonight. So where do you end up? Fucking Zeke's. That's where I end up. And then I get this, I'm not in the mood for barbecue. And I go, good. Order a salad and watch me enjoy some barbecue at Zeke's. So Zeke's, really good stuff, as a matter of fact. Fact, I'll tell you this about Zeke's. Jimmy Kimmel, barbecue snob. Love Zeke's. For my birthday a couple last year or the year I think it was last year for my birthday, he said, let's go out and get something to eat. And I said, come over, let's go to Zeke's. And we went to Zeke's and he went, good barbecue. And that doesn't come out of Jimmy's mouth. The cat off the stamp. Yeah, yeah. Zekes smokehouse.com is where you go. All right, now, Rant of the Year part five. And our final nominee for Rant of the Year, Max Apata gets a ticket. Why is our own police force kicking the shit out of us on technicalities? I would argue that you'd have a lot more officers freed up if they weren't all parked at the four way intersections riding out chicken tickets to guys like Max Pata who are on their way to work. It's chicken, it's, they never stop. And I just say enough is enough. So Chris, are you going to fight this thing? I, I, I, I don't know if I can. Like, because I technically I didn't stop. So I don't know what, what argument? The argument all of us need to start making is instead of the letter of the law, you prove to me why this was dangerous. I need to know a circumstance. Who did I put in jeopardy in this situation? There's nobody crossing the street. There was no cross traffic. There was nothing. So then you, you prove to me why this was dangerous. Because technically there's a million things you cannot do technically while driving. And, and otherwise, I mean, they're just. There are laws for everything that we're all. We're all technically breaking 18 laws a day by simply engaging in our life. I'm tired of that part. Either way, everyone within the sound of my voice, please fight every ticket, clog the system and send the message to these hero dicks. We're tired of you being heroes. Go kicking a door and yell, no time for backup. Go down to the. Go down to the docks and give a guy 20 bucks and get some information off it. Stop handing out chicken tickets to the people who aren't the criminals. We should be. We should be incensed and outraged by this. We really should be outraged. And we all just go like. And the word. You know what the worst part is? Is we internalize it. We go, I should have come to. No, you shouldn't have. It's your street, it's your car. There's nothing dangerous going on. And nobody's got no accident intersection or any four way stop intersection. You heroes yourselves do what we tell you to do. You're our. Wow. Wow. Passionate. All right. You felt strongly, but strongly enough to win. We shall see. And the winner for rant of the year is NPR failing to play the 47 minute interview I did with them in New York because they made themselves look foolish by trying to paint me as a race races by playing a clip that Jo Koy did on this show. That was a great rant because it was this year that happened this year. It was on point. You knew exactly what you're going after. It was inspired rant. It's insane that I went and did a long form interview on my book and they wouldn't play it. Such a waste of time. It's an insane waste of time. But the other insane thing is one of the things they said that had to be cut out for brevity of the package. One of the things they said it was was it wasn't good radio. Actually, it was fucking great radio. It would have been. It wasn't good for them radio because they were trying to set me up like a racist. But it would have been fine radio for folks who enjoyed radio but not good for them and the point they were trying to get across. So everybody please understand that when you Listen to whoever right or left, your favorite radio show, TV show, so they have a point of view and if it's not being expressed, well, it may get cut out. But I drove across town and I sat down for an hour and it was never aired because they pulled a clip of Jo Koy. All right, I want to thank all of you for tuning in throughout 2014. Thank you everyone to put in the hard work and a long hours and the clips and the research. Oh, my God. Lynch and Dawson, Gary and all. Max Apata and all the folks that. Who am I missing here? Kaylin Kaelin. And we got a special assist from Giovanni Giorgio. Giovanni. That's his last name. Sorry, what's your name? Giovanni. It's like Madonna. Do you need a last name? It's a little much. It's gilding the lily. All right, once again, best show of the year. Best show of the year. So until next time, this is Aaron Crolla for Allison Rosen and Bald Brian saying mahalo. Thank you for joining us for the 2014 ACE Awards. Send it to a friend and show them what they missed in 2014 and get them aboard the pirate ship next year. Produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch, co producers Gary Smith, Kailyn Bean and Chris Locks Amana. Special thanks to Giovanni Giorgio. Orchestra provided by Extreme Music. Visit them at extrememusic.com Noise captured by Rode microphones. Master of ceremonies Adam Carolla. Allison Rosen's wardrobe by Black dress and boot. Barn of Beverly Hills drunkening by Mangria Catering, eaten by Mike August and provided by Zeke Smokehouse Beer reinforcement brought to us by Pizza Port. Matt Fondelier's wardrobe by his dad. Nominees and winners picked by a secret committee. So email your complaints to them. The ACE Awards, a Corolla digital production. All right, that was Adam Crilla Show 1479, the 8th annual ACE Awards. The show had been around for nine years at this point, but 2009 was missed due to the radio format ending and the podcast beginning as previously mentioned. Coming up next, we have the first ACE Awards with Gina Grad. This is Adam Carla Show 1726 featuring Donald Trump. Gina Grad, Brian Bishop. Recorded 1217, 2015, aired on 1218, 2015. The Donald Trump phoner was added to the beginning. He's doing some book promo and it's Adam and Trump having a conversation. Adam has an interesting history with Donald Trump. It never really came up much on Loveline. In 2001, Drew judged a Miss USA contest and he had dinner with Donald Trump. And then in 2004, Elizabeth Harrows or Harnois, however you pronounce it. She was a guest on the show and they talked about Trump's interior design, his choices for interior decorating, that kind of stuff. And Adam made fun of him there. Other than that, he really didn't come up on the show. In 2006, when they started the morning show, it coincided with the Apprentice being on tv and they would talk a lot about topical television, you know, largely part because Adam watched a lot of it, but also is kind of what morning shows did. So Adam had an exaggerated Donald Trump impression, quite different than modern impression. And then oddly, in 2008, on the Kayla sex morning show, Adam was riffing during Teresa's news about Donald Trump, and they said the phrase, do you realize he's going to be president eight years? Which ended up actually happening. Very, very strange. So it was the first ACE Awards with Gina, Grad, Brian and Foner with Trump. Hope you guys enjoy. Hey, it's Adam Caroll from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Betonline. Betonline, the game starts here. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on no choice but to get on mandate get it on and yes, this is the ACE Awards. We do it every year and it just keeps getting better. Now, what happened and the reason I'm talking to you this way is because Donald Trump decided to call in on the day we do the ACE Awards. So we figured, well, the guy could be the next president. Might as well kiss his ass a little bit. So he called in and I recorded it for 10, 15 minutes and then we just put it on the front of the ACE Awards since this is our last bespoke show of the year. So here's a little Trump. He called in a little bit earlier today. And then when you hear my voice again, or at least hear it not with Trump's voice, we will then begin the ACE Awards. So enjoy some Trump and I'll see you in a Second. Hello, Adam. Hello, Donald Trump, my man. I'm proud of you. You're doing well, I hear, huh? I am doing well, and not as good as I know you were going to do the book. Problem is, I'm having a hard time signing that many books. I don't know if you heard what happened, but to sign that many, you know, I have to sign the books, and it's brutal for me to sign. You know, I think we did eight or nine thousand books in one sitting last night. The book, by the way. Let me get the book out. Crippled America. How to Make America Great Again. Right? Yeah, we'll talk about that. That's cool. It's very good. You know what's sad to me, Donald? The fact that I live in Hollywood, of course, that how to Make America Great Again is scoffed at by a lot of folks who live in my town. It's sad that we think of that as sad. Something that should be noble. I know it should be noble and it actually should be positive, not negative. But anyway. Now what are you doing? Are you doing a podcast or something? Yeah, we're doing a podcast and we're recording you, and we'll go ahead, start it anytime you want. And I'm proud of you, man. It's great. I think we're the alumni. We call them the alumni. Right. Thank you. We're rolling. We're rolling right now. Nice job on Kimmel last night. He was great, by the way. He's a great guy. I had dinner with him last night after. Right after he did the show with you. So he was very happy. I'll bet, right? He was. He's a great guy. In fact, I'll do this. Hold it one second. Call Tom Berenbaum. Get the ratings for Kimmel last night. You know, I'm a ratings machine, Adam. Oh, I know. I'm doing this as a favor to you because you've been great. So let's get going, though, because I do have. We are. We're rolling right now. Oh, okay. Let's go. The book, Crippled America. How to Make America Great Again. Yeah, we're rolling the whole time. Donald, so excited that you called in. Appreciate you making the time. I wanted to ask a couple things. I was listening to your book. I've heard about three quarters of it. I got the discs and I've been listening to them in my car. As a matter of fact, going out to meet Jimmy last night for dinner. I listened to the first half of the book. Terrific guy. LA traffic. It all makes sense to me. Why doesn't it make sense to more Americans? And why does it make more sense on campuses across this country? Well, I think it does make sense. You know, if you look at all the poll numbers where I'm, you know, really winning by a lot, and even the book is selling like crazy. The problem is I can't, you know, I can only sign so many of them, and a lot of people want them signed. But. And I just don't have time to do that. I don't have time to really promote the book. But the book has done great, and it's been. It's been very successful. Well, you know what I was thinking about with you just moments ago, and I thought, this is a very good quality to have in a president, and I think it's one I humbly suggest you hit upon, which is you delegate. You must delegate. You cannot do what you do without a ton of delegating. And a good leader does that and can do that effectively. Right? Well, you know, you're right, but I still have to sign the book. I mean, that's my one thing. I mean, I'd love to delegate somebody else, but I really have to sign the book myself. So, you know, that's part of the deal. But it's. It's been. I mean, it's been really fantastic. It's done really, really well. And in its own way, Adam, it's, you know, it's. It's not just what's wrong, it's how to fix it. And it sort of pertains to what I'm doing and what it's all about, because our country's in serious trouble, our infrastructure is a disaster. And, you know, you look at so many different things, whether it's Obamacare, the military, the vets who aren't properly taken care of. It's so many problems, Adam. So I did the book. I wanted to do the book. Simon and Schuster's been an amazing, you know, they've done an amazing job. We did it very quickly, and it's doing great. By the way, I should tell people that as I was listening to the book last night, he was talking in the book about the first debate, the second debate, things that seemed to have happened a week or two ago. I was trying to figure out, you know, most books are written a year in advance. You know, one of the things that Simon and Schuster, which is really a, you know, fantastic book publishing company, one of the things they wanted to do is speed. I said, look, I don't. I didn't want to do A book. They came up and they said, we'd love to have it, and we had to do it very quickly, and we took a tremendous. You know, we really crammed, like I'd say in college, right? We crammed and we got it done. And it really is very current. It's probably. We did the book in, like, a month, and they got it printed so quickly. It was incredible. And so. So I was impressed with the job they did. Can you tell me what your schedule is? Because I think about it all the time. How much do you sleep? What time do you go to bed? I know you're all over the place. You're traveling. It's all over the place. But in general. Well, you know, it depends on what season we're talking about, because I do different things than I am. I'm all over the place now. It's really the campaign for the most part. And, you know, my children, you know them, and they like you and respect you a lot, you know, through the Apprentice and. And honestly, it's. It's pretty wild times. I don't do the vacation thing very much. And if I do, I always go to my own places because I have great places. What do you sleep? How many hours do you sleep on? Probably four or five. And, you know, because I enjoy what I'm doing, sometimes less than that. What's. What's for. What's for breakfast? Well, I try and skip breakfast as much as possible, Adam. I mean, I try and skip breakfast as much as possible if I can avoid it. I don't tap breakfast off lunch, sometimes dinner, but I usually skip breakfast. So it's four or five hours of sleep. Skip breakfast. Four, five hours of sleeping, and it's working. And, you know, I'll be in the office at 7 or 8. I'll get. I'll get home by 6 or 7. I'll work a little bit. I'll make calls. I'll study up on what's going on. I'll sometimes, oftentimes have to go out for dinner, which I consider to be not a luxury. I'd rather stay home. To me, staying home is a luxury. Isn't it crazy? You know, I've had an interesting life, and I've, you know. You know, it's really been amazing what's going on with the presidential campaign. You see that, right? Listen, I love it. I really love it. And I just. I think I was saying to somebody, a lot of it is in a response to where this country's been going and who's been leading It. Over the last several years. Right, right, right. It's been not a good situation. We owe $19 trillion. I mean, the country is a mess. It's an absolute mess. And it's been so badly handled. And you look at what's going on now with even the Iran deal. You take the Iran deal, where we're spending 150, we're giving Iran $150 billion and losing every single point of a deal. Well, now they want to come back and they want to renegotiate. They want to negotiate for prisoners. We should have gotten that. That should have been part of the deal. But that's coming back to make a second. The whole thing is just. Just. The whole thing is this country's just a big business, and we need a guy who can run a business. Well, we will do a great job. You know me well, and we will do a great job. That I can tell you. Can you tell me what you would do with airport security? Well, it's gotta be strengthened and it's gotta be. And, you know, we have technology now that's so good and so strong, and most of the places don't even have the new technology and the good technology, but we have. You know, the airport stuff is dangerous, but we have much better technology than they're using at airports. And we have to get the right stuff and we have to have the best technology. The immigration part, which started. Well, it was early on in the book, first Donald talked about. Well, I started it, Adam. Yeah, I started it. I mean, when I announced In June, on June 16, when I announced I'm running for president, I talked about immigration and illegal immigration, and frankly, there was a firestorm. And then all of a sudden, a couple of weeks later, people were saying, wow, I think he's running. You know, you look at what happened with Kate in San Francisco and Jameel, and a young guy was shot to death by an illegal immigrant that shouldn't have been in the country. I mean, so many different things have happened, and it has been. It's been amazing. I mean, what's gone on is amazing. I'm very proud of the fact that illegal immigration is now a very, very major topic in the. In the debate. Well, I never could understand it. I was just like, whatever the laws are, just enforce the laws and then that'll be that. Well, the laws need a strengthening, but the laws are still there. And we have the opposite. They totally circumvent the laws, and the government circumvents the laws even. And it's A disgraceful situation. But you know what? I think we have it right where we're going to want it. And if I win, you're not going to have illegal immigration. I mean, it's going to be a whole different picture. I did like in the debate when you said you'll build a wall. And by the way, you. You're very good at building walls. But you also said in the book, you said you'd get Mexico to pay for it. How do you do that? Mexico will pay for the wall. Mexico will pay for the wall because Mexico makes a fortune off us. And they're coming across from all over. The southern border, we call it, and they're coming across from all over, Adam. And Mexico's going to pay for the wall. Mexico is not helping us. And I love the people of Mexico, frankly, and I respect the leaders of Mexico, but they're much. They're too smart for our leaders. Our leaders don't know what they're doing. Not smart enough, not cunning enough. But the people of Mexico are great. You know, I have tremendous numbers of Hispanics working for me, and they love me, and I love them. I mean, the whole thing. But what's happening with Mexico on the border is horrible. So Mexico is going to pay for it. They make so much money from us, Adam, so much more than we're talking about for the cost of a war. You watch. Now, no politician is going to have that done. You know, no politicians getting Mexico to pay. You watch. You call me up in a couple of years from now if I don't speak to you sooner, and you say, guess what he got Mexico to pay for. Well, how do. I mean, what would you say? What is your plan to interact with me? I don't want to do that. It's too much. It's too long. I don't want to go through a whole negotiation, to be honest with you. I'm just telling you Mexico's going to pay for the wall. All right? That is a guarantee because I live in California. You know why, Adam? Look, they're making hundreds of millions of dollars. They're making billions of dollars off us. We're giving them hundreds of millions of dollars. And you know, the wall, the cost of the wall is a fraction. If you look at the trade deficit that we have with Mexico and you look at the imbalance that we have with Mexico, the wall is a fraction of that. So it's. The answer is it's going to be done. Ted Cruz was on yesterday, told me about his tax plan. It sounded Too good to be true. Well, he has a different plan than me and by the way, happens to be a good guy. Oh, I think so, too. It just sounded too good to be true. 10% flat tax simplified. Yeah, well, a lot of people are saying the flat tax. The problem with the flat tax is that it's a little bit, I'm not a huge fan of the flat tax because it doesn't take care of a person making a lot of money maybe should pay more than a person that's making practically nothing. You understand that, that my plan is a simplification. It's going to be simple. It's going to be a major tax cut for businesses and for middle, the middle income people. And it's going to be a plan that absolutely works and it's going to make it a dynamic economy. And that's what I've done all my life, Adam. You know that I've created jobs, tens of thousands of jobs. But my plan is going to work. A lot of people like the flat tax. I mean, look, I'll tell you what, anything's better than what we have right now that I can tell you. What if Hillary Clinton gets in, what are the next four years going to be like? Well, I don't think she's going to get in. And the Fox poll came out just recently and it has me beating her, but I don't think Hillary Clinton's going to get in. She's done too bad a job. She doesn't have the strength, she doesn't have the stamina to be president and she's done a terrible job. So I don't think she's going to get in. If I get nominated, she will not get in. Oh, really? I like that. And are you sure that you're going to get nominated? Well, I'm leading by a lot, so we'll have to see. A poll just came out. Monmouth poll just came out. I think it's 41 to 14 or 15. That's pretty good. 41% versus 15 is second or 14 is second and others are coming out at 38% and, you know, numbers much lower than that. So it's, you know, I'm doing, I'm doing very well and we'll see what happens. I mean, you know, who, who can say for sure, but right now I'm leading by a lot. Can I give you a quick compliment? Yes. People, because I did Celebrity Apprentice all the time say to me, like, what kind of guy is Trump? And obviously, you know, there's a lot of people Especially in the town I live in that have some unkind things to say about you, okay? And I said, you know, I judge a guy by how his children treat him and how his children respect him or her. So you show me a guy who has a son and they haven't spoken in 25 years. I don't think that's a good dude. But I see and saw the way your kids are around you, and I see the respect they have for you and that they choose to work with you and how they turned out. And I would say to anybody that was sorry for the language, calling you a douchebag, I would say, his kids respect him. His kids look up to him, and his kids work with him. He's got to be a good guy. Well, I'm gonna tell your audience that my kids also respect you, and so do I, but my kids also respect you, Adam, so that means a lot. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing this call. My kids have a lot of respect. And I told them I was doing. Ivanka actually heard, and she said, you have to say hello to Adam for me. So Ivanka and Eric and Don actually say hello. Well, I've oftentimes described Ivanka as just one of the most impressive people I've ever met in my life. Yeah, she's amazing. I've never seen someone so smart, so put together, so incredible. Usually you get one or the other. You know, you get the looks of the brains or the work ethic, or you get the blonde hair, but they don't want to work. Or you get the work ethic, but you get the frizzy hair. Her thing is just. It's an amazing package, her. She's a great person. She's a great person, and she's doing really well. We're very proud of her. And it's all going well, Adam, and I'm proud of you, too, because I hear your thing is going well, and I hope that this interview gets you some nice, good ratings. And I'll tell you what. I had your friend Jimmy. Jimmy, last night was so great. I mean, the show was terrific. He's a great guy. He is a great guy. Did he enjoy it? He enjoyed doing it, I think, right? He did. He pulled out. We were talking about it because it's funny, because I saw him right after he spoke to you, so I had to go home that evening and then watch it after I talked to him. So he got to sort of describe to me pulling out the children's book and doing the whole nine yards, but, yeah, he had a great time with you. Say hello to him, Adam. I shall. He was a great guy. I'll do it again. And we'll do yours again sometime, Adam. And I'm proud of you. Just keep up the good work. Thank you. Crippled America. How to Make America Great Again. And you can go to the website donaldjtrump.com Donald, thanks for joining us. Thanks, Adam. And keep it up. Keep it up and I'll talk to you again soon. You take care of yourself. Thank you. Up from Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2015 ACE Awards, honoring the best of the Adam Corolla show this year, featuring trophy girl, Gina Graffiti, and seat filler Brian Bishop. And now your host for this evening's ceremonies, Adam Carolla. Wow. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for telling a friend. Thanks. All the good stuff and get it on and all that, but we're coming to you commercial free. And it's our favorite time of the year. It's our favorite show of the year. Year. It's our last show of the year. Original show of the year, Studio show, Studio show. And we thank you. We thank you for putting a great year together for all of us. Gina Grad. Thank you. Thank you, Paul. Bryan. Thank you. My pussy's bleeding. Did that make it under the wire? I don't know. I'm not on the judging committee. We gotta thank Dawson for doing a great job on the ACE Awards. And Mike lynch and Gary and Matt, all the people that work so hard to do these words. Now, it's always the first time I hear them, is when you all hear them. So it's fun for me, too. I want to thank our good friends over at Pizza Port. They just dropped off a bunch of beer. Now I have one in my hands. All right, hand it over. I'll tell you what, man. Gary, give him the one I don't like. Give him the Chronic Ale. I don't want the Swami ipa. Oh, I had too many. The point is, these guys help us out. Zeke Smokehouse as well, because we're going to our party. Can I have a glass, buddy? We're going to the party and we have our New Year's party. Or I should say our Christmas party. Stocked with meat. Stocked with meat, yes. Now, everyone also remember to remind me, and I'm saying this, Gary, we had an epic Dixon Kimmel Simmons cousin Sal night where we set a new record for money spent. And I won't get into all the details because it's ACE Awards, but there was A potato chip filled with caviar. At some point, Dixon threw against a wall. There will be photos. So angry. There will be go with this. There'll be photos. But the point is that I will. It's gonna take a half hour to get into this, so that'll be for the new year. But we will start the new year with an epic story of money being wasted. Psyched, taking notes. That's right. All right, so. So you guys make it all possible. Where here we are, rolling, coming around the corner, sliding into seven years of doing this. Another great year with you guys, the fans, the people that listen, making this a business. I mean, we got a bunch of good people here. We're getting everyone to health care this year. Except for Brian. I was gonna say pre existing condition. Nothing we can do about that. I mean, obviously we could pay, but it's exorbitant. I don't call it exorbitant, but it is more than what we're comfortable with. Okay? You're a Corolla, not a Rockefeller. It exceeds their comfort level. It's at least 7 to 9% more than we would even have to pay for Dawson and his nine pack a day habit keep cheap. The point is, we're building the company. We're building the brand. God bless you guys. You guys made it all happen, man. And we appreciate that. We never forget it. And it's nice. So we have a nice place here. Everyone's having a beer. We're gonna go down the street and go to the party, and there's gonna be lots of nice barbecue, and everyone's gonna enjoy themselves. Hooray. Yeah. All the fans. By the way, Lynette wanted to thank the fans who donated to the pet fund. Oh, the Molly. And the Molly memorial. And petfund.com still going on. And it's nice. It's just nice. And it's. Yeah. Thepetfund.com and it's nice because they send Lynette the pictures of the dogs with the cancer and the people that couldn't afford it. And, you guys, that's what the Christmas season is about. Our listeners come through when it's charitable or when someone's in need. Chips are down. I can say from firsthand experience and also the Molly thing. Our listeners come through, baby. Who's gonna show up? Our fans. What fans? Baby, you don't want Jimmy to be embarrassed. Baby, I'm not gonna embarrass Jim by sitting out there to an empty theater. Well, luckily, he didn't have to. Why is it Gonna be empty. Well, baby, who's coming? Baby Howe it is. It's like that thing like we talk about. It's like the 23rd time Robin Quiver said, why are you going to Kevin Costner's house? At some point, the questions get insulting, but who's coming? Who would go? It's a big leader. All right, shall we get started with the A ACE Awards? Please. All right. The nominees for best reenactment are. Adam and Brian. For Benny Mardona's recording session. He probably started off, you know, like, in the studio. She's just 13 and a half. Benny, what do you want to do? I'm not gonna do. He's just. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You're. I'm coming. Wrong place. Can we just bump it up? All right, when we go to 14? Yeah, I'm thinking more like 18. We're gonna get in the learner's permit territory soon. Yeah. What, do you want her out of high school? Come on. I'm trying to sell some units here. All right. I'll tell you what. I hear what you're saying. Let's go 16. I'll meet you at 16. I started 14. You want to go 18 because you're in. I don't know. What are you, like a Jehovah's Witness or something? We'll do 16 because she'd be held back a couple years. She's still in eighth grade. What's PC these days? Learning disabled. PC? I'm trying to figure out a computer hasn't been invented yet. Douche. I'm singing about banging underage broads. Probably had a conversation like that. Guessing that's how it went. Adam, for guy who got shot for snoring, you'll meet the gunfighters, Men like John Wesley Harden. So mean, he once shot a man just for snoring. Blazed in glory by the greatest artists of the Old West. What a hero. I just would like to be a fly on not a wall, but a rock. Of the guy who got shot for snoring, if he survived. What the. What the. You were snoring? Yeah. How about a little nudge next time? I'll pick up my saddle roll and move to the other side of the fucking canyon. All right. Anything but a bullet. Okay. By the way, terms of waking people up, on a scale of waking people up, what's noisier? No me snoring or your sit shooter in the middle of the night? Wow. Wow. Are you inconsiderate? I am so out of this gang. I want no Part of this gang. And by the way, when I'm done, I'm gonna fucking sing like a canary. Yeah, I can't find enough guys with eye patches to tell them exactly where the you are, you son of a. Luther campbell for rookie symposium. This is what I gotta tell y'all in this rookie symposium here. A lot of y'all don't understand. There's a lot of girls out there that are smarter than you. Once you realize that the girls are smarter than you, Then you'll be safe with the safe sex program. Now, you need to go and wrap that up. When it's time for you to do the. You got to wrap that up. And don't take anybody home to your mama, especially. Look at you. You ugly as hell. You look like a monkey from out there. Your fat ass is 350 pounds. Don't try to marry some girl from the hollywood boulevard. Some drop dead gorgeous girl. She gonna rob your ass. Good. Now just focus on getting your dick sucked and then call lunch. If you get your dick sucked, just make sure she swallow. She can't have babies if she swallow. Good. Speaking of. Speaking of swallowing sensation as you insert it into a vagina. Make the lunch call. Now, Luther, you got to tell us it's time to go to lunch. Time to go to lunch. You got a break for lunch. Break for lunch? Really? Oh, no. I'm telling you to tell him. Oh, I got to tell. Yeah. Okay, so we going to break for lunch. Make sure you heavy method mayo. Thank you. Adam for strip club DJ with no music. The other day, we went to a bachelor party. DJ dirty Larry is on the microphone. And all of a sudden, the music just cuts out. And for an hour, all the strippers had no idea what to do. And I'm wondering, if you were DJ dirty larry, what would you have done? I would try to turn this lemon into lemonade. So I would say, hey, everybody, we're having a little trouble with the sound system. Must have blown a transition transistor. Some of God knows, you know, the japanese. Ah. But I'll tell you. Can we talk about herbalife? Can we. Can we talk about herbalife for just a few minutes? Now, look, this is not a pyramid scheme, all right? Jade, stage four. Stage four. He's still making the announcements. Stage four. Jade, in case we get this fused, fixed, or we go ahead and get the. It might be a sir. You know, funny story. In place of a fuse, you can use a nickel sometimes. I don't want to see those nickels going to the stage Fellas, those are all going to be double saw box, am I right? Jade? Jade, can you hear me? Hey, listen, when we open this joint now, coming on five years ago, I said in case of an outage, we need ourselves a boombox with a couple of fresh D cell batteries in there under glass. In case of emergency, we can bust that bad boy out and we can hang, have a little Cinderella, some striper, a little something on a mix cassette. Sure, it's going to sound dated. It's not going to be as good as the system that doesn't work now. And Adam and Brian for Bunny Ranch. And Ben and Jerry's secret shoppers. How do you know they're not shorting you or grifting you? Like, where they go? Like, hey, you had this guy in a charge him 75 bucks. So here's your 3750. And meanwhile, she charged 500 bucks. First of all, if they. If they do, we're gonna find out we've got secret shoppers all the time. Oh, wow. You thought ice cream taster was a good gig. Funny. Conversation with the secret shopper worked for Ben and Jerry's versus the guy worked at a Bunny Ranch where he was like, you're not gonna believe my awesome job. I got it. Pretty good, buddy. Pretty good. Yeah. Interesting. You don't gain, you're going to be pretty jealous. What is your gig, secret shopper? Wait for it. Ben and Jerry. That's right. Cookie dough, ice cream all day long. You get free Chunky Monkey. Huh? Chunky Monkey, Cherry Garcia, cookie dough. I get a little something called spunky monkey free. Is that a Haagen dust flavor? No, it's a position my dear friend Ron Jeremy taught me. We did it on this Thai. Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, I. It's a turducken move. Ron goes up my ass and then I. The Thai chick. It's not gay. I know it sounds gay, but I'm a chick. This recreation went wrong when you were trying to make me jealous. We call it the Turfucking. All right. Right. Oh, you have the envelope? I have the envelope. I should. I should tear it. I should tear the envelope open. There it is. There it is. And expose the answer. Adam and Brian for Bunny Ranch. Ben and Jerry, Secret shoppers. Wow. We'll share. We'll share it together, Brian. Absolutely. So many to get to. I can't believe we beat Luther Campbell. I know. That was really funny. I forgot the part where he thought we were going to lunch. Like, we're breaking for lunch. Oh, yeah, we are. Sounds great. Well, it's the ultimate tip of the cap in the acting department, I think. I'm not sure where the fourth wall is, if we're in it or not. Okay, moving along. Just because we have so much to get to and Dawson did such a wonderful job, but there's just so much material here. Number one, by the way, we have many Rant of the years or some Guest of the Years. We'll pepper them throughout like a Best Picture throughout the evening. They'll have a clip here now is our next nominee for best Picture. Well, now we'll play our first rant of the year. Our first nominee for rant of the year, Entertainment Weekly. I had a talk talk with Entertainment Weekly today. I told them, look, I'm doing this interview with you about Jimmy because I love Jimmy. I do not like you guys. And they said, well, I'm sorry if you don't like Entertainment Weekly. And I said, it's not that I was born not liking Entertainment Weekly. You guys don't like me. You talk about me or completely ignore anything that I'm doing. So it's not like I just fucking woke up one morning thinking I hate Entertainment Weekly. I read a fucking story that said Comedy Central kicked me off of my own show when in fact they begged me to stay. I am considered a jock, which I was in high school, and now they work for the school newspaper and with impunity can say whatever shit they want to say about me. Now the reality of my fucking world is I grew up way fucking poorer than any of you fucking motherfuckers. Way poor way. I'll fucking any of you, come on down and let's have a fucking pour off. Yeah, I'll show you some food stamps and some welfare. I'll show you that. We're going toe to exposed toe. Broke my shoes in a fucking shitty job. Department, motherfuckers. Come on down. Why? When I say digging ditches, I'm not talking metaphorically. I'm talking about digging ditches and cleaning up garbage. Not being a fucking apprentice. Not showing up on a construction site, doing a fucking hot montage where we take our shirts off and play. Play Top Gun song and do a bunch of framing or raise a barn. I'm talking about picking up garbage and busting out stucco and going into condemned buildings and crawling underneath them amongst dead cats and rats and digging fucking footings with a fucking coffee can. I did that. That's where I come from, bitches. Impossible. Well done. It's just the part. It's that whole thing where it's like you're a white guy. Yeah. You were six foot. Right. So your dad was rich because now you got a sports car. You're the enemy. You're obviously privileged. Yeah, like, yeah, right. No, I worked super hard and then I got the sports car. That's how it worked. My parents are still poor. That's how it works. That's the message. All right, moving forward. I got my envelope out, although I'm not peeking. Best impression. The nominees for best impression are. Billy west as Bernie Sanders. Black lives do matter. They do. So do white asses. They matter, too. Just because I come from Vermont. Vermont does not have lobsters. Are we angry at Maine? Certainly not. What are your chances, by the way? What do we think of Hillary? Hillary Clinton. Sorry, Ms. Clinton. Rodham. She has the biggest dumper. The Sklar Brothers as Shaq and Charles Barkley. I love Lou Reed. What? Yeah, I love Lou Reed. I turned down the Lou Reed movie. I love that. There wasn't a movie. Tell Ernie to tell. I was going to be a basketball Nico. I listened to Chelsea girl right before I go. Lou Reed. I used to play golf with Lou Reed. I was in the Velvet. I was in. I was in the Velvet Underground. You're too tall to be underground class. With Lou Reed. He took a in the 17th Cup. I said, hey, Kobe. Best shot. He took all day. Jay Moore as Russell Brand. I thought Arthur was pretty good. I don't know why you got signed. Thank you, Adam. Yeah, I enjoyed Arthur as well. And I got to work with Louis Guzman. He's a delightful little Puerto Rican man. He's the same height laying down as he is standing up. Tall. Yeah. He's a short little Puerto Rican. He's a chocolate guy. Yeah. Yeah. Louis doesn't matter. Che Guevara. Christ. Malcolm X. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Gandhi. Yeah. As long as we're all working on the same page in one giant corporation. Well, you're the corporation. I know your name's on the letterhead. Let them work for you. Let your wife. Staples be the ones. The clarion bell that rings out and says, look out, world, here comes Adam Karachi. He's me mate. I love him. I gave birth to his twins. He lives forever. He's immortal. What's. How could she ask anything of you? Kevin Pollock as Liam Neeson and Bill Clinton. There's a new game called one word impressions. Alan Arkin and his son created this game. I will give them credit. He and Tony, his youngest. And you have to do the impression in one word. And it cannot. Important part cannot be a word. Word that the person is famous for saying. That would be cheating. You have to summarize an entire impersonation in a single word. I'm gonna do Liam Neeson, and the word is bananas. Are you ready? Bananas. It's good. Yeah. Lingerie. Bill Clinton. There you go. A word he's probably said at some point, but not famous for saying, I'm sure. And Joe Coy as Bill Cosby. Gina, are you thirsty? Look a little parched. So you want to have the drink? Just take a sip of this. All right, I got the envelope right here. I'm. I'm. I think I'm. I'm pulling for Jay Moore. All right. That was pretty amazing. That was pretty. Pretty damn amazing. You forget. Isn't she always. You forget about all this stuff. Absolutely. This year, the winner is. J. Mar's Russell Brand. So Jay will get one of these? Yes, sir. One of the awards. Where's mine? That's nice. Well, we got to split this one, Brian. Yeah, right down the middle. All right, moving on to one. I always cringe about Most Uncomfortable Moment. I always think back, what is it? But let's hear it. The nominees for Most Uncomfortable moment are. Charlotte McKinney. Do you know the names of the Beatles? Yes. I'm a huge Beatle fan. I've met Paul McCartney. Okay. But I don't. But I don't know these names. Wait a minute. What names? Sergeant Pepper. Yeah. Can you name the Beatles? Yes. All right. I got the over under it, too. Name those Beatles. Ringo, Paul. How many are there? Four. Yeah, there's. Okay. She says, stuart, suckle up and lose my mind. What's. Oh, my God. My dad would kill me right now. He's a huge fan. Which one's the one? Okay. Ringo, Paul. She's the Burger King girl. The one who dated Como. Perry Como? Who dated Perry Como? Oh, Yoko. Yoko. Yoko Jr. With the big thing. I'm not going to say hot. This is. You guys are Yoko. You know who dated Yoko? Yeah, yeah, him. I think I know it, but I don't want to. Say something. Shout it out. It'll be funny. John Legend. Yes. Oh, my God. I was right. Okay, Lynette, how's Molly? Oh, boy. Oh, here it comes. Geez, I don't know. Honestly, Lynette, what do you. I'm sorry. Now we gotta get back to Lynette again. I. Molly has. Oh, boy. All right. Molly has tumors on her anus. Here it comes. If you're gonna order nachos. Goes now. Now is the time. Listen, there's nothing. There's nothing we can do. This is a private conversation. I feel like crazy. So this is it for Molly? Yeah. Is it a month? Oh, we're not having this when I get back. All right, when you get back. Well, don't ever come back. Okay, everybody say goodbye to mom. All right, let's all say goodbye to B. I forgot about that horrible Dawson locked it out. Hey, Dawson. Yeah, boss? Were you nipping from a flask earlier in the show just a few minutes ago? Yeah, it sense a negative message to me. No, I feel you. I had my agent fall asleep at the screening of my documentary last week. Now I got to stare through the window at the entrance. Engineer just taking a hit. It's been a. It's been a. Just a long day, I guess. Understood. But couldn't you slam heroin in like a more discreet way or something? That flask. I agree. Nothing wrong with the nip. But I'm saying it. It really kicks the light off as you. He's got to keep the show interesting somehow. Oh, Adam's. Adam's going off about children's books again. But aren't you glad he told you the truth instead of. Well, what happened was. And then gave you the explanation? Yeah, well, he's sitting nine feet from me and I watched him. I saw you see me. It'll be a tough pot. I saw you see me. No, those were eye drops. I was drinking in a super decorative container Sunday. Listen, I don't judge. I'm saying it. If anything to any people performer, it's, you know, if you see your engineer going, oh, boy, there he goes on trash again. Yeah, like genuine Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitz dog. You don't drink, do you? No, Adam, I. The 80s got him. Yeah, I tried to get him to drink. I had a problem. But the. The closest I came to drinking again with you about three years ago, almost physically holding me down is awesome stuff. Well, I just. I think whatever demons you had, I just. I feel like they've cleared the room and it's, you know, it's time to love again. You know what I mean? My father had a problem and my grandparents had a problem and my aunts and uncles, and it's actually something I take kind of seriously. All right, well, this is. You know, you're getting all sanctimonious on me here. I'm just telling you, man, let you know whatever hair you have left out down and just enjoy yourself, man. That's all that's saying. I feel like this is eighth grade and you're trying to peer pressure me. This is like a. This is important to me that I know. Okay? I'm not asking to pierce a nipple. I'm just having to have a shot, man. That's all. Wow. And Dr. Bruce entourage is misogynistic. It really bothers me. Look at how women are treated on there. Just as objects. Okay, I'm not talking. Coming out strong. Oh. So are you gonna read some? Hold on. You started. Do I get a percentage? And when you read this during my segment, everyone says, why are you so hard on bros? Everyone says, why are you so hard on Bruce? I don't care. I can. Why are you so hard on Bruce? And I always go. He comes down here, and he asks for it every time. Are you gonna read that during my segment? Yeah. You guys talk more than I do during my segment, and I probably have the only meaningful thing. Get out of here. You're done. What? You can't stop yourself. Well, it's. You're the manager who argued over strikes. You don't want to hear about the new female sexual drone. Be off. You're done. Scoot. I gotta read. Oh, go. Oh, go, go. I'm not leaving. Off. Wow. Off with your. Off with your head. Bruce. I only do it because you wouldn't have it in any other way. Please. No, no. You. You cannot stop. You can't stop yourself. That's the part I respect. Respond to. I don't respond to the part where you're horrible. I respond to the part where you cannot stop until we get to this point. You must leave numbers. You're fine. No, no harm, no foul. Just go out and think. Just get in the. Yeah. What you've done. If I get in the minivan and just drive. If I stand in the corner, can I come back? No. Oh, come on. I drove an hour and a half to get here. You're good. You're good. You can't. You'll learn next time. Thank you. Thank you. Very tough category. Wow. My skin's crawling. I have no. I know it's tough. I have no idea. To the audience. Adam does have envelopes he's opening. Oh, yes. I'm opening them up. Gary numbered them. He sealed them. He did the hole. He labeled them. And totally professional. Briefcase Dr. Bruce kicked out of studio. All right, Brian, you'll be accepting his award and keeping his award. He doesn't deserve award for shitting on my live reads. Ooh. And now on A more pleasant note. Now we have Best guest. We have a number like Rant of the Year. Okay, we'll introduce the individual honorees. Yeah. So number one, Best Guest of the year. Our first nominee for Best guest is Dennis Hoff. Was called the Moonlight Ranch at the time. It's our 60th anniversary, by the way. Wow. And it operated from 55 to 72. Illegally legalized in 72. I bought it in 92. So the first night I'm there, who comes in but my now 37 year friend Bob Zamuda and Andy Kaufman. Sure. And he says, I'm gonna take two girls and I want them to wrestle each other. And that whole deal on Saturday Night Live was for real. That was his foreplay. He loved to wrestle girls. And so then the winner will get to wrestle me for the finals. He says, but I promise you, I will party with every girl. The next week, I'm up at Harrah's. Actually Tony Clifton was up at Harrah's, right? Andy would not play that. But Tony Clifton, that disgusting, rude, smoking, drinking piece of shit, he played that. And so he did. And so I got to know him and Bob and Andy and I hung out there all the time. In fact, a lot of the time when he was playing up at Harrah's, Andy and I walked through the casino and he'd sign some autographs and we'd play little cards. We'd slip out the back door and go to the Moonlight Ranch, which is now the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. And Zamuda would do the show, the Tony Clifton, and he'd have girls coming in there and having songs, sex with him, the showgirls from Caesars next door coming in, having sex with him. And he would hand them Andy's card with Andy's real phone number in la. So when you get to la, give me a call. And nobody ever, never figured it out. So Bob Zamuda would have sex with showgirls because they thought they were fucking coffin. Coffin, Exactly. Wow. It was interesting because, yeah, Dennis has always come in, he's always like plugging his shit, brings his whores in and blah, blah, blah. But it was nice to get the behind the scenes. Yes. If he doesn't win the Guest of the Year, he should at least get a consolation of most pleasantly surprising Guest of the year. When it was on the calendar, it was like Dennis Hoff again with the girls and the perfume and the story. He was great. Everything he said was interesting. No, I agree. And that's why we like this Format and this program because you get Jerry Springer in here and he just talks about his family and the Holocaust and being part of the movement, the original Black Lives Matter movement back in the 60s. And it's like, isn't someone taking paternity tests and throwing a chair? Like, no, it's completely have no idea that this is where the guy comes from and this is where his family hails from and all that stuff. And it's great. That's why we like this. Because if you're doing panel on a late night show, you have time for six minutes worth of pre produced jokes and then it's time to leave. All right, Best invention. I believe this is a new category. I don't remember best invention before, but the nominees for best invention are. The condiment belt. I had an idea. Remember the old change belt? Yes. Like a train engineer. Oh my God. I, I, I, I don't want to share this with you. I'm to be a billionaire. This will be the last podcast I ever do. This will be it. Enjoy it, Enjoy it. I may do one like every five years drunk just to just for fun, but never. You guys did two in San Diego. Nope, just the one. Just a condiment belt. Just the one where the guy who goes, oh, barbecue, Thousand Island Ranch, which you know, he's got the little, little cup dispenser, got the holster of those little miniature cups on his lifeline. Just pop, pop, pop right there. No, by the way, because that's where you want your condiments coming from. The belt area. That's right. Well, the, the fine. It's a vest. He's on your ranch. You want some ranch? Here we go. Give me a second. I'm not a machine. That's a different kind of restaurant. Yeah. By the way, don't just ask me for ranch. You got to buy me dinner first. Drunk guy stadium. Harmony harness. You know those little things that they have for kids. Everyone makes fun of it, but it's not really bad. The little tether, the little harness and the leash they put on the kids. So when you go to the county fair, he doesn't run away or whatever. How about we do that for drunken dudes? They can't have another beer? No, no. They can have as much as they want, but they can't fall off of anything. But they have to wear the backpack with a monkey tail. Yeah. And they just hook into the seat. I'm with you. Does this kind of behavior like that. That's fine. That's funny. Be funny seeing and we Give them not only. We give them like 11ft of slack. So it's a lot of guys hanging. We can tell how drunk the stadium is by the ninth inning. Everyone just, there's like nine guys just swinging from the upper down. That'll be awesome. And then the policy is we don't really in until after the game. If we go to extra innings, you'll just be hanging there. And I went and, and when, you know, some, some guy with a big bat comes up, the crowd's going nuts. Cuz we're looking to bean the guy. We're, we're going to see if Beltran or whoever's up there has got a little pop in his bat. But it'd be funny to have three or four guys just dangling from the deck up there. Ninth inning here. The Braves on top, five, two, nine danglers in the asfield. It's one of those days. One of those days. Y and pillow shoes. Shoes. Everyone is kicking their shoes off everywhere. Everyone's taking a nap everywhere. Pillow shoes. The bottom has a tread, but the top is nice and cut out the middleman. Yeah, you take them, you snap them together. Yeah, you have a nice orthopedically correct pillow. Now you can walk around all day. You want. Now you get in a fight with a ninja, you're on your own. You're gonna do zero damage. Zero damage. You're gonna throw like a spinning crescent kick and you're gonna hear thank you. Oh, so soft. Kiss. Pillow fight. No, no, take this front ball kick. Oh, pillow fight. Not a pillow fight. Is your feet made out of down feather? It is. And I'll give you the count on the thread as soon as I'm done whooping the snot out of you one more time. I feel sleepy. All right, I'm going, I'm going full sidekick. Here we go. There. Oh, I fell asleep on you. All right, this is gonna be a spinning scissor crescent kick right to the head. Here we go. Hiya. Time take not doing fight these shoes earlier today. What, what are the chances I'm just gonna throw down with a ninja? Hey, I just had a dream and what? You were kicking me in the head. Wow. I mean, I don't know if the pillow shoes are the best invention, but my God, that was funny. Ah, love Joe Coy. All right, best invention. Drunk Guy stadium harness. Yeah, the. I agree that somebody died. There's three guys die every year because they're up in the cheap seats. And the guys in the cheap seats drink more than the ones in the Luxury boxes. Ironically, those, those ones will be safe, but they drink more and then more than the ones are right behind home plate. They drink more. And the railing is like up there. It's really high incline. And a lot of those stadiums that were built in 1974 were built for average height, five, eight and a quarter and average weight 147. And now everyone's six, three and 500 pounds. It's not. People are like leaning over. The guys with the five chins and titties are like leaning over trying to catch the foul ball drunk. And a lot of the stadiums were built when guys would show up to games in three piece suits and maybe a bag of peanuts. It's not dollar beer night. Right, Right. Jersey night. Now we're the society is if the ball's out of reach, you can always throw your toddler at the ball and see if it'll get lodged in them. All right. Best invention behind it. So far so good. So far so good. Rant of the Year, our next offer. Boring. Number two, our second nominee for rant of the Year, Maxine Waters on Real Time with Bill Maher. For the police to come into the school and pick up the kid in the parents. We agree. That's the part we agree on. It's too much. It's too much. Why are we going back to square? She sucks. Such a problem solver. Who's a better problem solver? Her. Gavin Newsom. That's pretty bad. So we've gotten rid of the predatory check cashing places. That was Gavin's thing. And then her thing is violence in the inner city, in the classroom. Problem solved. We're cleaning up today. Yes. This is what politicians do. Nothing. What the fuck is she even talking about? And why isn't she embarrassed? Yeah. Is there not anyone who goes, hey, dumb. Of course not. A human being on the planet agrees. Brock Lesnar took a stance against picking up small people and throwing them onto the ground. Everyone agrees with that. What the host of the show is trying to bring up would be the cause of the problem. How did we get to the point where the cop was even necessary? I managed to be warehoused for 12 years without a cop even entering the room. And she said at some point in the course of this long winded thing, like, yeah, the parents need to. And it'd be better way to solve it if they just, you know, they had a discussion. But. And then she goes right back to the whatever this notion of, well, we, we could have stopped class, could have excused the children. They could Have. It's like they could have got a dirigible in there that could have lifted her to say, and dropped her off in a pillow of rose petals. Like, what do you mean? We could have stopped class, cleared out everybody. What about the other 32 kids that are trying to fucking learn something? Yes. By the way, you know, would you accept this in any other profession? Bonus rant. What I'm saying is, like, the number one of the most important professions in the world, theoretically, or it used to be, would be politicians, solve problems, fix things. All right? Would you accept this in other trades and other worlds and other things? Would you accept a dentist who's like, I'm against cavities. Even one. If one person has one cavity and one. And you're like, okay, but what are you going to do about it? Where are your tools? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about it. You're on college. I think cancer's bad. Or you're a fucking roofer. Like, I'm against roofing. I have a zero tolerance policy against moisture. And it's like, yeah, but you don't. What are you gonna do on the roof? What are you gonna do on the roof? El Nino's coming. We're on the roof. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna talk about it. So what you do is put up with moisture inside your. Inside your house. But, yeah, your oncologist, you had a brain tumor. You have a brain tumor. Just explaining that he doesn't believe. So his preamble should be, nobody ever should get this and it shouldn't happen. And then when they're done explaining how against it they are, they just leave the room. Yeah. Feel better, Brian. Would that work in any profession? To just announce no can do to whatever the problem is? No meaningfulness with zero solutions? It's so unsatisfying. It's fucking weird. I feel like it's a new thing that you just announce you're against poverty or against whatever, but you don't. That's it. Then you move on. All right. Everyone's a hero. Best Live Read. Well, this is what it's come to. Interesting. Okay, the nominees for Best Live Read are. David Allen Greer for Pro Flowers. Dang. Don't fall asleep on this one. One dozen assorted roses with three. Wake up. You gotta wake up. You got a lady friend out there, right? Okay, well, you want to get her free glass vase. You want to get her a dozen roses? 19.9. Nine, right? Or dang, you're sleeping on a deal. Picture. A picture of my favorite body. Just wake up and listen. They got a deal over here. Two dozen assorted roses. I'll give my lady a chocolate chocolate rose. Oh, you can get her chocolate rose, Adam. Corollas. Yeah, no, just Corolla. All right, listen to me. The bunny ranges. Dennis Hoff for Lifelock. Let me tell you, Lifelock is the real deal. I love you with these sponsors. No, but this is for real now. I had a. I had a. Just recently, somebody ran up a bunch of stuff on my American Express card, right? And the Lifelock person got ahold of American Express and leaned on them. They were like a junkyard dog. No, listen, this is our client. We know what's going on here. We want it removed, we want it reversed. Da da da da da da. And they did it. American Express just did what they asked them to do. You try calling American Express, they don't even know who you are. I love that. And Lifelock is the real deal, trust me. Yeah, see the Lifelock rep going, there's no way my client would buy a 55 gallon barrel of water soluble lube. That's just absurd. That's absurd. Doesn't make sense. That's absurd. And by the way, metric ton of stripper glitter. Come on, please. I'm just insulting the man. Mike Dawson for DraftKings. Welcome to the big time, DraftKings. Hey, Dawson. Yo. Read the thing. You gotta read and do it like you're being chased by a cat drone. Hurry to DraftKings.com now. Use promo code Adam and play for free with your first deposit this Sunday. $1,000,000 fantasy football contest for first place takes home a hundred grand. Enter Adam for free entry now only@draftkings.com. that's DraftKings kings.com. yeah. And that's Drunk, that second show. Drunk. Yeah, it's impressive. Yeah. All right, now, John McHale for Simply Safe. Simply Safe. Smarter home security. No aggressive sales guys. No hardwired systems, no long term lock in contracts. Oh my gosh, this is an amazing ad. Not no long term contracts, easy. Just go online. Signed one for 40 years the other day. I can't get out of it. You're locked in. Not with Simplisafe. You go online, you customize your system. Few minutes later up and running, the whole thing shows up at your doorstep. Oh, and the name of the company I went with was Complicated Safe. No, this is simply a 40 year deal with complicated Safe. That was so dumb of Me. Oh, Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel. I don't even know how to open it. You can get the safe. It's in Jeff. Japanese. Literally. Oh, Joel, this is a disaster. Ancient Japanese. You know what you need to do? What? SimplySafe. Adam.com. get 10 off Simply Safe%. 10%. Office. My deal. They added 10 by mentioning my name. Yes. And Adam Ray for E. Voice. What would Tony sound like if he was doing a virtual voice on for E. Voice? How he's answering the phone. Digital. I'm not home. Well, hey there. You've reached Corolla Digital. And maybe you should call back when people are here, you idiot. Anyway, because we're not here, there's a little automated thing where you can leave a message, tell us where you are, what your favorite color is, what your favorite episode of Taxi was. That was one where Christopher Lloyd came in and was like, remember that? Anyway, leave a message. Go Yankees. All right, now this. This one, the audience voted on the listeners. The people voted on on this one. There you go. That's quite the glue on that envelope. I know security's tight around here. Let's see. Dag for pro flowers. All right, look at Dagaroni, his award. Post haste. Moving right along. Caller of the year. The nominees for caller of the year are. Maggie from Cleveland. So I live in the west side of Cleveland right now, and I have these terrible neighbors upstairs. So to give you a little background, about two weeks ago, I pull up and we have a security door on the front of our building that you need a key to actually get into the building to get to our doors. This is going to be like the worst reenactment ever. But so I walk up and the guy's like, oh, man, thank God you here. I got some chemicals cooking on the stove. Man, I got to get up to my apartment problem before it blows up. Now, me. You love an acidic neighborhood. Yeah, that's Juice was a guy who was keeping the chicks in the basement. That was Cleveland. That was Cleveland. That guy killed himself. Cleveland. Yeah. Is that an attic or. Or a basement? Basement. Okay. That. Didn't that guy kill himself in prison? Yes. Ariel. Now you know him. You know that you hang. You ever chill, neighbor? Yours? Thanks a. I do not. But I've met. I've met one of the girls. We did karaoke together one night. Oh, no. Wow. Wow. All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna make guesses. I'll guess the song. She didn't do Walking on Sunshine. Probably be the top of my. My list. Xanadu might be Two Princes was probably not song. Probably not. What song did she do? Do you remember? What song did she do? I did Paul Revere by DT Boys and she went up and did intergalactic and then she sang. That was gonna be my third guess. Artie Lang. Hey, what's up guys? Hey, Artie, you sound ch. No, I'm kidding. It is a word. You don't hear much from me, but I don't know, I'm doing all right, I guess. So. So how's your health and how's your weight? Now the hardest thing to kick, harder than heroin, booze, anything, was sugar. Because I've been doing that since I'm two. I don't know anything about like, you know they tell you not to eat bread. White bread, flour. Yeah. And I'm like, guys, how am I going to do that? I mean, you're telling me, I mean, look at me. You're telling me I can't have a slice of pizza, I can't have a sandwich. Well, I'll tell you, all the things that fall under the carbs category are insane. A couple of quick thoughts already. First off, this just popped in my head. Taking the spirit in which it's intended, isn't it? It's awesome that you can't get pregnant. I just feel like if you got pregnant, you'd pack on £228, the kid would come out smoking and hooked on something. I, I, I, yet I would never, I wouldn't be the kind of woman who, who took the weight right off either. I, I wouldn't be like Char Jessica Parker when you breastfeeding at restaurants. It'd be a mess. So let's all just thank, let's be thankful for that. We do have little miracles. Yeah, I'm, I'm really lucky I'm not abroad because the women are so, it's, it's so unfair to women. It's, everything is based on beauty. Like you could kind of get by if you're a foul looking guy. Women. If I was a woman, I'd be in trouble. And Jason the voice actor. Hey Jason, 32. Hello. Adam Corolla, Joan Rivers, first time caller, long time listener. Hi. Thank you, Jason. I, I screwed that up. I had a little voice acting skit I wanted to try to run by you. Please. Okay, well, hold on, let me put my brother on the phone who screens these calls. Hey, Adam, this is Dwayne here. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. No, no, different Dwayne there. Big fan though. You know, ever since you were on that Jimmy Kimmel show with the boobs and stuff. All right, you. You know what, man? I said too much. Let me get my brother on the phone real quick. Another brother. Oh, Adam Corolla. It's such an honor. I just wanted to share a joke with you real quick. Well, what's your name? Don Knotts. Now, Jimmy's doing kind of a mix between Don Knotts and Rip Taylor. What's your name? Hi. I'm the nameless comedian Rip Knots. Listen, come up with a fucking name for your character, would you, please? It should be amongst the first things you do well. All right. I remember admiring the balls on that last guy, if not the words and the voices that came out of his head. You think he was clean and over. Who cares? Okay. That first collar was so good. Artie Lang, everybody. Everyone loves Artie. Great on his feet. We'll see him soon enough. Always a good guest. Always a good guess. All right, now for another entry of Rant of the Year. Number three, Rant of the Year. Our third nominee for Rant of the Year. Notaries and signatures. I have to have 15 discussions with Matt every day about when the notary can show up to sign the whatever. And I'm like, what year is it? 2015. Can we figure out a way to do this thing online where I take a snapshot of me signing whatever it is and press my thumb against the screen or something? It's always the middle of age, broad with the book that's got a. And then it's like, you. Oh, no, Lynette's got a sign, too. Well, when can they. They really need. By the way, what I'm annoyed by, and especially in this town as it pertains to everything in this town is everything's dormant. And then all of a sudden, you get the call, they need that contract signed. They need it this afternoon. And you go, why? It's been three months. I haven't even heard. No, the guy's messengering it over this afternoon, and it's like, I'm not going to be home this out. Well, they need. Then can they come to where you are tonight? It's like, when did the sense of urgency kick in after the three months. And how come everything needs to be done right now and why it's a constant. And see, if any of it made a difference, I would give a shit. I have Matt sign every thing that he can possibly sign. Every single thing where they need your signature. He does electronic signatures now. He does a paper. Everything that doesn't have the middle aged C standing in front of me. He signs the contract for those asshole ass, white dickhead telepicture freaks over there for that piece of that me and Kevin Smith were supposed to do for $500,000. I had my assistant sign that entire contract. And thank God when it got dropped the next day, all I thought to myself is thank God and fucking go downstairs and sign that. I have my assistant signs everything. My name is not on anything, but everything needs to be signed. And it is a huge fucking pile of shit. And so when you go through life and you attempt to buy something or sell something or do any form of business, business at all, it's one big fucking colossal lawyer driven, paper driven. You gotta be there. This label has to get approved. The notary wants to meet you and you just say to the assistant, I don't know, does that have meet me here in the morning? No, they gotta meet you at night. They have to meet you. It's like. It's almost like they're trying to annoy you. Everything needs to be done and I swear to God I'll fucking forge everything. I don't even give a. Powerful words. I just went through this, by the way, because Fondelier will attest to it. It's like just two days ago, I can attest for him. Sat down. Ironic. Yes. Jerry's attesting for him. I now am at the point where there's two conversations I have. I literally just told the person as there's a pile of papers assigned, I just go, I'm just going to make up a new signature so we can get through this. And I just. I stopped writing Adam Caroll. I'd write like an Adam and draw a line. To just draw a line. People do that. Not that they give a fuck. It's not gonna look like anything. My son was there. I said, you'll never see these papers ever again. They just go somewhere and they'll never. There's nothing to ever do. But the one that always makes Lynette the most uncomfortable is they say they now need two forms of id. By the way, the second form of ID is just like a credit card or something. It's stupid, but they go, we need two forms. Id. But they used to just go, I need your driver's license. And I'd say, well, I keep my driver's license with my stuff in my car, which is like down the driveway and we're sitting at my table. I will tell you my driver's license number if you need to write it down. I need to see the license. I'll tell it C06. I'll tell it to you right now. I've memorized it. And we'll save some time. Time. I got to see the license. I always say, do not trust me. Do you not think this is Adam Carolla? Do you want this to go through? This is as much my motivation as yours. They don't take a picture of the license. It's just for they have to. And I'm like, I get that thing all the time where, like, yeah, I got to see that. Are you going to get drunk at a party and tell, like, we're talking about into the Night or the After Hours or whatever the movie was. Scorsese film. Yeah, yeah. It's like. Like, we could just be adult human beings here. I could give you the driver's license number, and you could just write it down. Or you could make me get up and go to my fucking car, which is gonna piss me off. You're getting $19. Just fucking write it down. And while this is happening, is Lynette back with the license? She's pissed that I'm fucking doing this thing. Do you know what I said, by the way? I just signed different names and Matt signs everything. And by the way, I tell everyone. Matt signs everything or whatever assistant I have du jour just signs everything all the time because it never comes back. I told Rob at the other shop, go online and get certified, and then you will be the person. Like power of attorney? No, like a really Notary become a notary? Yeah. For 75 bucks, you go online, you do six hours, you become a notary making thing. And then. Or at least not pain in the ass making thing. So he'll be the notary, and then that'll be that. But it's you. They fingerprint you and say, and that old school 10 pound stamp. Yeah, that's always the same one. All right, Best Interview. The nominees for best one on one interview are. Judd Apatow. It was just such a different era back then. There was no conscious uncoupling. People would just rage against people and just say, you know, now we understand. Oh, you don't tell your kids the details of your relationship problems, but they did back then. They would use it as a chip. Your mother doesn't do this. Your father doesn't do that. There was a moment when I was a kid where my grandfather had gone broke. So everyone's broke. My dad's broke, My mom's broke. My grandfather, who was the rich guy in the family, he had a heart attack. And while he was in the hospital, his broker bet all his money and lost it all. Wow. He did some short selling or something and lost everything. Right. So everyone was really mad, intense for years because everyone was broke and everyone couldn't figure out how to get back. And once my grandfather was just ranting and raving and he said, if it wasn't for your, for you kids, I'd have your father killed. Wow. And he was in the record business, and I thought, oh, he actually knows the people who do that. But, you know, so then that destroyed my grandfather for me in a lot of ways also, because he was the cool guy who produced Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker, right. To watch him unravel. So there's a lot of people unraveling. And that made me go, I gotta get a fucking job. Like, I need to not rely on this group of people. I love them all. They're all nice to me separately, right? But what am I gonna do for a living? And that's why I did the interviews, because I just wanted to meet people in that world and go, how do you do it? Like, how does this work? I gotta get into this. And they told me, manny Pacquiao, what is your aspirations? Political, politically, for the government? And where would you like to see the Philippines? You know, 10 years from now, after you're retired? 10 years from now. My plan is to reduce, you know, reduce the, you know, the poor families and, you know, provide them shelter and homes. So there's a lot of poverty, a lot of poverty in the Philippines. So that's, we're working out to reduce it and help them. What is some of the ideas you would have to reduce poverty in the Philippines? Well, right now, even my own money, I, every time I had a fight, after the fight, I go back to the Philippines and buy a land. And the land, I will divide it and build a house. House and give it to the, to the family who don't have a house and who don't have food to eat. Brian Cranston. You know, truth be told, I, I, I did get pulled over in New Mexico a couple times for speeding. And I did take off my sunglasses and my hat and give the officer a direct look to see if there's a chance. And I thought for the first time, this is what it must be to be a good looking woman to say, okay, here it is. Maybe unbutton a little one. Just a little peekaboo. And I looked at them and I said, I'm sorry, officer. You know, I'm trying to drop my voice. The way Walter White and I got out of both tickets, they went, oh, dude. Yes, yes. You grew up in a pretty sparse area, the San Fernando Valley. I remember you telling me about your mom packing up the Cadillac and going over the hill to go to the swap meet and that kind of sell the stuff out on the lawn and that kind of stuff. So you appreciate it. How can you not if you go through that kind of background and literally went week to week with a cash business, selling wares, selling anything you can at swap meets to try to stave off the wolves at the door and eventually succumbing to it because we got foreclosed on, we got kicked out of our house, our family split up and it was. Was traumatic. But because of that, you know, you try to find a silver lining out of that. What, what did I learn from that? And it's, you can't take anything for granted. Nobody owes you a thing, and the only thing that you can do is work harder than anybody else. Brian Grazer, how do you give that to a child who just doesn't seem to be curious? I would probably ask them, do, do you understand how this works or do you know why you're going to school? Or basically, if there's any way of getting somebody to understand that life is a story and if you're engaged in that story, it's propelled by curiosity. So actually I was just at Rupert Murdoch's house and he had a small little group at his house, and he just said, that's what keeps him alive. That's what keeps him going. That's what kept him to. Enabled him to build this empire at News Corp. And most, most people that are successful are propelled by that foundational element of curiosity itself. It's a motor, it's an engine. And you just have to say, you have to get people to somehow understand that your life is like a grand experiment and that's a story and you never can figure it out. And Kevin Costner person break into my house about, I don't know, 10, 12 years ago, my beach house, and they broke in. I wasn't there. And the only way I knew was there was a picture. I don't have pictures up of myself, but in the back room where my parents stay, once in a while, if they come to use the beach house, they have a picture of me. And the picture was turned over, it was broken glass, and on the back it said, kev, I didn't know this was your House. I'm down. I've been down on my luck. I just took a pair of pants. She looks like you're doing good. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. All right, best one on one interview goes to. Bryan Cranston. Everybody loves that guy. That's the fan choice, by the way. All the fans vote. You guys voted. How do you feel about that? Again, you're the only one who was there for these interviews. Krantz is always so great. We got into it a little deeper with his family and the dysfunction and the divorce and how he idolized his dad. And then his dad. Boy, the impact that a dad being there and then not being there all of a sudden has on the psyche of a young boy or young girls. Unbelievable. All right, now, moving on. Yes, Dawson. To an uncomfortable moment. Outstanding Achievement and Shitting on a Point or Story. The nominees for Outstanding Achievement in Shitting on a Point or story are. Dr. Drew, I had the conversation on my cell phone on the ride in with Matt the porcelain punisher. Who's doing the news tonight? Hesley Harps. Leslie Harps. Hesley Kesley. Leslie Hesley. Are you saying Les. What are you saying? Are you saying Leslie? When Gary Haftar did it, I heard Hesley. When Matt did it, I just heard. But also. Also, there was an acclimation process of your brain. Does an autocorrect. I don't know anyone named Hessley, so it must be Leslie. You know, honestly, neither do I. I feel like if I added up all the hours people have gotten my name wrong, I'd get a lot of time back. That's why you should be very fucking angry at your parents. And, Drew, you're an asshole for hearing Kesley because Kessley's not a name. I said I heard it. Hesley wasn't a name until today either. Allegedly. I. I know, but what I'm saying is, is you always go to the most familiar. You go to the closest. You hear what she said. What? That's what I was thinking. Hesley was as unfamiliar to me as Kessler. Hesley was not a name either in my head. I know, but when you hear. I heard Leslie. I heard it now. You heard Hesley, but you turned it into Kessley. What do you call which is another name that doesn't exist you're supposed to turn into a name that exists. Oh, my God. If I said the guy's name is Heiko, would you turn it into. Or would you turn into Michael? I don't know how that works. What do you mean you don't know how because you turn it into the closest name. I absolutely would think so. And yet why did you make up a name? That's right. Because you're passive aggressive. That's how it works. I had to hurt Adam's ears tonight. No, you on my points. That's what you do. Yes. Drop Drew. Step off. There's a new sheriff in town. What I do now on point town. On town that's furthest away from the ground. Links. Mike Dawson. Dawson. You must have had a first. You had to have a first Porn right now. We were trying to view the Playboy channel. Scrambled. That was. That was. Yeah, I know. I. I tried every. I tried every. Everything too. But when I'm porn in that. No, no. But eventually there was porn. He's got nothing. There's this thing where people move when they're having sex. It's very graphic. By the way. Why is it always. Why is it always disappointing to us? There's a certain point. We started by trying to watch the scrambled version. And then you started with the Sears catalog blog or the whatever magazine. But at sir. Some point got hold of a porn movie. Single porn. You don't know your first porn movie or that you watch more than once? No, I don't. Sorry. It's my fault. And Brian, Gina and Alonzo Bowden. Hypothetically, if I said Oprah, what amount of money for you to be thin and eat whatever the you want for the rest of your life and she got that checkbook out with that golden pen, what would that amount be for Oprah? Because once you start getting into the billions and 10 houses on the Hamptons and all that kind of like it's done. But the one thing that she cannot escape is that treadmill. Like she can't escape the greasy food in the treadmill. Like, you know, she would love to have a piece of cheesecake after dinner every night and the treadmill's waiting in the next room. You know what I'm saying? No, totally. What would that check be? Because it wouldn't be 5 million. I have a number, but I also have a reason. She wouldn't take you up on it. She wouldn't. She would not. Because if she's built an empire being the woman who tells you to love yourself, that and that word got out that she made a deal with the devil. That wouldn't go very well. Part of the deal would be. Would, would. Would be a non disclosure thing. Yeah, I don't know that that's an Oprah question. Though I think most women would have a number. If you. If you went to a woman because women are more body conscious, right? Society. Society judges them more in their body. Blah, blah, blah. I think if you went to any woman and said, hey, how much would you pay to eat anything you want, not exercise and not gain weight, right? I think anyone would have a number for that. The only difference with Oprah is Oprah. Like, the check wouldn't bounce when Oprah wrote it, you know? Well, I want the chick. Is the greeter at Kmart going now? How many Ls in billion? Like when someone's net worth is $2,600 and they're gonna fucking sell their Chevette so they can eat whatever they want. They can eat corn dogs with the skinny bitches on the du wiener schnitzel commercial for the rest of their life. It's not fun. I want a number. I want an Oprah number that my outside the box answer would be at Oprah's age and worth. I don't think she cares if he writes that check. You're better off with Beyonce. Her. Her business, her bread and butter is looking good. Staying fit, staying in shape. If she could not have to work at it, she'd write you that check. If this was the Groundlings, they would tell you all to go home right now. I was thinking the same thing 18 minutes ago. I posed a very good question. All three of you explained to me why it wouldn't work and how. And it gave me some version of a non answer. Thank you very much. I'm gonna give you an answer. I will provide an answer. So because all three of us. The question. A hypothetical question, and all three of you explain how that would never happen. It's called, I guess I'm not gonna charge your compound with a pet. Okay, Adam, listen. Jesus God damn Christ. Brian. I will. Oh, for three. Is there fourth person we get up here to not answer my hypothetical question. Wow. Please let that win. All right. Oh, boy. Wow. From the live show. I think that was improv, right? Burbank flappers. Oh, Burbank. Oh, yeah. Brian, Gina and Alonzo Bowden, everybody. We're gonna let Alonzo hold that award for you guys. How many awards you have to split. You get zero awards. All right, moving on. Best guest, part two, Our second entry in best guest Guest. Our second nominee for best guest, Jake the Snake Roberts. Your dad wrestled. Yeah. Your dad was a tough son of a.7 foot, 425. Yeah. Was he 7 25? Yeah. I'm trying to think. I know. Was his heyday in the 60s or 60s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of stayed over on the east side, you know, And. And your stepmother, did she molest you? Yeah, yeah. What that seems. And he was unthinkable. He's doing my sister, so, you know. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. Then she wound up getting kidnapped and murdered. So. Your sister? Yeah. So there was a lot of molestation going on. Molestation going on. I didn't know what was happening to my sister. I thought I was the only one. And she went through it. And then, of course, she moved with me to Mom's house because it's just much safer. I couldn't take it. How old were you when this was going on? 13. With your stepmom? 13, God, your stepmom, sounds like. Yeah, well, I mean, it's one of these things where I learned from sitting next to Dr. Drew and doing Loveline for a million years. Like, at first you go, like, what kind of animal? And then you realize she had to be molested. Yeah, well, you know, she was like, 19. Oh, right. Yeah. My father is 36 something. He was doing the same. She was just a younger. Younger ver. An older version of my sister. You know, I gotta tell you, it sounds sick. It sounds perverse, it sounds insane. And then you have a daughter and it gets ten times more insane. You couldn't even imagine. It's. It's like. It's unimaginable. It's unthinkable. Well, you know, I've. I've had eight children. And out of those eight children, it was. I guess about four years ago, I finally allowed. Allowed one of my daughters to actually sit in my lap. I would not hold my daughters because I was afraid I would turn into my father, you know, but it's really strange. I go to signings and stuff all the time, and I'll see a kid walk up and I just go, man, that kid is going through it. You can see it. I can see it in their eyes, man. There's a. Just a dead spot somewhere right in there. Wow. The balance. Yeah. And tell. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with more of the ACE Awards right after this. In a private ceremony held earlier, daytime ACE Awards were given out in the following categories. Best Cop Show. Kirk S. Corso worked as a tool demonstrator at Home Depot for about six months. Months. He was considered a good worker until he showed off his lip tattoo to another co worker. First off, I couldn't think of a more painful place Yeah, a couple. Well, all right. There's anus and eyeball, but really not a whole lot. I love that show, by the way. Not too many. It's the best. Morning anus. Eyeball office stat. I got the mayor and the DA up my ass after that. Shenanigans over the farmers shot up the old farmers march. I'll do what I have to do, chief. For best sitcom, J. Moore as Al Pacino as wacky neighbor Chad. A funny thing happened. Yeah, Chad. When I was pruning. Huh? I went to prune and I threw it out in the garbage. Yeah. But I'll tell you why. Adam. Yeah. Ch. I don't like that brand of tool. Where's the laugh track? I'm a steel man. I use steel tools. Steel, Right. You give me a Black and Decker blower, you expect me to do my work? Yeah. No. All right. But. But also. Chet. Yeah. When you're doing the pruning, you had to borrow my fiberglass. A frame ladder. You know, funny thing about fiberglass. Did you know it doesn't have fiber? No glass. Yeah, they made it up. I do know. It was over $300 and it was a gift from my father in law. I'll tell you what. I have a punch card and frozen yogurt. I will give it to you. How is that gonna pay for my 300 line? I don't know, but it's a starter. Best public service announcement was driving through La Canada area. Came across a big van. And on the van it said, follow me to the city of Santa Clara to the children's library. And I thought to myself, what if I actually did that? I'd fucking be arrested. Chris Hansen, at some point would slide in behind you, right? It's just a lot. What if we did just. What if I just followed you to Santa Clara and I just. I just bumped draft, lifted you all the way there. And then we got out. I was like, where are the kids? I got some pop up books. What's up? The van said to follow. Sorry. And shave. But I didn't know. I just got on the freeway. I'm supposed to be at work. But anyway, here we are. Let's get. Let's get this over with. Get to reading. Let's go. Whatever goes on today. Is it circle time or what do we do? We nap first? Have a chocolate milk or what do we got? Sing along time? Is that later? You got one of those strangers? Plus it's got the flex point. It's got the accordion flex point in it. Miniature straw I got a juice box here. I got treats for the kids. So where are they? I was instructed by the van to follow you. Now here I am. What are we gonna do? Best sports interview by a third grader. Sonny. Carolla. Shaquille. My. My son, Sonny is on the podcast with us. And. And the reason for that is he's a huge fan of yours. Oh, thank you, Sonny. I appreciate that very much. You're welcome. If he could tell you a few facts about your life and you say true or false. Okay, deal. All right. What do you know, Sonny? Well, you're tall. No duh. Give us something good. Do you know about his past when he was a little boy? Well, your mom gave birth to you when you were. When she was 18. Yep. And what else? Smart dude? Your dad left when you were a baby, and you got. And your mom got married to, like, an army sergeant dude or something. Yep. A drill sergeant. Oh, is that. Is that where you got your discipline, Shaq? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You know that I was a police officer, too? No. You didn't know that part? You didn't know that? No, it didn't say that in the book. And best daytime talk show, Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey. If you're married, somebody who is going to not only your father, but your best friend in front of you and then attend to, throw your special needs child into a wood chipper. That's not someone you should stay with, but they're super emphatic about it. Now, if your child. Yeah. If she's pregnant and she's stealing from you and she's blowing a guy in the backseat of your car when you go to get it to work in the morning, you need to hire a babysitter. He's right. He's right. All right. All deserving winners. Yes. Now moving on to Rant of the Year number four, our fourth nominee for Rant of the Year, Old Dominion Fraternity and Fake outrage. This time it's the Sigma Nu frat at Old Dominion University in Virginia, which has been suspended pending the results of an investigation. Here's what happened. The brothers got in trouble by hanging bed sheets from the frat on the first day. That said things like, rowdy and fun. Hope your baby girl's ready for a good time. And freshman daughter. Drop off and go ahead and drop your mom off, too. The university's president is not. Last one's funny. Pretty good. Yeah. Saying the students can't be community and alumni have all been offended. Can't fraternity guys act like jackasses? Like, what about the right to just act like a jackass when you're 19? You know what I mean? Like, what about the fundamental American God given right that all the founding fathers fought so hard for? For us just fucking acting like jackasses? What? What happened? And what happened to just being a douche? You know? What the fuck happened? Why can't we fucking do anything in this piece of country anymore? And by the way, no one's offended. I'm so sorry, but nobody's offended. Everyone's offended and nobody's offended. Nobody gives a. No one gives a about Old Dominion, Old Mississippi, whatever. No one gives a about that. No one gives a about Cecil the Lion. No one gives a about any of this stuff. We just have our panties in a bunch. Does anyone really give a. And you, if you do, because I don't give a about your opinion, by the way, we all need to just start going Donald Trump on everyone's ass, which is just like. They just raise their hand and go, I'm offended. I'm from Univision. Good. Sit your Mexican ass down. I don't give a. Don't give a. You're lucky to be here. You it. Fuck it. The tide is turning. Just it. Tell them to suck your dick. I don't care anymore. Done. I got a pirate ship. Everyone suck my dick. All right. Brazen, Brazen. So good stuff coming up, by the way. We got best musical moment. More rants of the year and technical and Creative Aces. Interesting. We got dropped by the guest drop and all the. Drop by the staff and drop by me and all that stuff. So a lot of good. More rants, more stuff. More coming. So let's keep it going with entry number three in the best guest department. Our third nominee for best guest, Joe Coy. I want California roll. Oh, I want a spicy tuna roll. I want it cut up with no smelt eggs. My boy over here, who, by the way, you're traumatizing because he worships me. You understand that? Yeah. He. He has no idea who you are. No, he knows who I am. Okay? I'm a celebrity first and his father second. Ask him. Okay. Okay. Now I don't even know your name. Name what? You know what? I'm gonna write this down because somebody's getting a letter that. Okay. O, S, S, S, E, K, T, A, O. That's your first name. That is a first name. All right, what's your last name? I hope it's Brown or Jackson, it's going to be a lot easier. Sharpen your pencil. Okay, go ahead. It's a hero. H U I r H I. So when I come here on your day off and I speak the owner. The owner and I tell him the oh so saka to took haircut. Well, I'm gonna play. I'll tell my dad you are gone. Your dad owns it. You're really. Yeah, yeah. I don't care if it's your dad. What's your name again? O S S E A U M E Element. Now, wait a minute. You're making that name up now with the L, M, N O, P. Japanese. Oh, love that guy. Love that guy. All right, we'll keep the party rolling with Best Musical Moment. Yes. The nominees for Best Musical Moment are. Adam for Bad Company. A lot of singing about screwing. Yeah. Oddly enough, lot. That company wrote a lot of songs about being in the band. Bad Company. Very meta self. Refreshing. Kind of postmodern. It is. Got in the cab, went to the recording studio. Standing in front of a microphone right now. Now picking my right hand, Fred in the left. Engineer establishing eye contact can record. Dawson and Dr. Bruce for retro rock and rock on a rambling highway. This bird's gotta fly. How about Roadhouse? Wheels are rolling so mama, don't you cry I need a mama. Change it to a mama. I like that. Except for Bruce talking in the middle. Excuse me, Dawson. What about Roadhouse? I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer. Bruce, your terribleness has gone from delightful to bizarre. Gilbert Godfrey for Problem Child. Want to sing along? Gilbert, you're running wild. The teacher's calling you a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah all those sweet Beach Boys harmony. Joe Koi for Bung Lu Su. Joan Osborne mashup. Home is your butt. It will look like me oh, you won't see when I cover your eye oh, believe you're gonna feel everything oh, it feel like get ready to say girl, here it come. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you. There you go. One more time. Well, thank you. I try. Do you go right in the eye? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this so much fun. Oh, slappy, so slappy. And Mike Dawson for Dennis Quaid Meltdown mashup. I'm so glad I'm here for this. What the. Keep going. I am acting here. And this wanders onto my set. I can't even get mine out until don't be the dick starts whispering in your ear. You're not even watching anymore. I want this to be my ringtone longer than F in the ocean. Don't Dennis me any bird ever blew. I am doing my job here. Longer Than Oscar Wilde. I been in love with you. I'm a pro. I'm a pro. Stronger than any mountain can be. Please. This is the most unprofessional I have ever. Any tree ever grew. This is horseshit. Deeper than any forest. Primy R. I am in love with you. I've got these fucking zombies over here that I have to look at. I have a bunch of pussies staring at me and this fucking baby. You garbage. This is horseshit. I'm sweating. I'm a pro. I can't even get a lie now through the years as the fire starts to mellow I am acting here burning lines in the book of my life. Don't be the dick starts whispering in your ear. You go out with sucker. I'm giving you a hypothetical race. This is garbage. Thank you. Wow. Come in. That is phenomenal. Dawson, everybody oboe all but forgotten about in the pop songs today. That Gilbert's a long shot in a dark horse. But man, that was fun. Let's see here. This is best musical moment. Is it? Yes. Best musical moment. Mike Dawson for Dennis Quaid. Meltdown. That was great. That's amazing. First of all, I want to thank science. So thank you. Dan Fogelberg, Dennis quote, Wade and Adam Kroll. It'd be nothing without you guys. So thank you. Thank you. Yeah, you're being played off. And my parents. Sorry. You know, I had a dream when I was a kid that. That this would one day be my job. And it came true. Science. It's thing is, Dawson, if you owned a shelf, this thing would look very good upon it. I might get one a little rich for his blood shelves. All right. On the number five offering and Rant of the year. Our fifth nominee for rant of the year, Michael Rapaport on Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner does not want privacy. Caitlyn Jenner does not. He. She wants like. It's almost like she wants the. The thrill of being the decathlete again. Like that attention. Because what you're decathlete attention at the prime. At the. The peak of Bruce Jenner being famous. You're surpassing that. You're surpassing your daughter's ass. Like, you're surpassing everything. Easy, yo. No, I'm saying. No, no. The biting words. No, no, no. What I'm saying is Kim Kardashian, she, she, she posed on the COVID of a magazine with her. With her beautiful big ass. And I like that ass. And it said break the Internet, right? He was like, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna break the Internet. And now Bruce Jenner is. He got 2 million followers. And he said, she said, I broken another world record. But it's like, it's just all attention, self fulfilling shit, man. I'm fucking done with it, man. But she has said in multiple interviews too, that she feels like part of her reason to be on this earth is to be a spokesperson. Fuck all that, man. What are you doing with the money? Is the money going to under privileged, privileged transgender people who want to get the surgery? Maybe. Nobody. No, no. It should say at the top of the show, it should say 25 or 35 or 50 is going to help, you know, underprivileged people who want to get this surgery. I haven't seen that. I haven't heard about that. How much did it get for. She get for the Vanity Fair cover? How much is she getting a week for the show? And. And all the other shit that's. Are we gonna like, have hair? Are you gonna buy hair products? Because Caitlyn Jenner is. She looked pretty fucking good. I wouldn't put it past myself. You know, your problem isn't with the, with the gender reassignment. It's the same media and also the judgment of the politically correctness. The politically correctness is what fucking driving me crazy. Like I was saying, like, you have to watch what you say. Like we're talking now. This is a public thing. You say the wrong thing and you could be ostracized. And people are so scared and don't know what to do. There's like this 11 page thing I read about. It's like a transgender manifesto. It's like the manual. Manual. You should say this, you shouldn't say that. You should say this, you shouldn't say that. I was like, when a motherfucker goes to jail for 20 years for rape, and then after 20 years, it founds out that that person's innocent. Where's the manual to talk to him? Where's the manual to the black guy who got kicked in the fucking face by the cop? Where's the manual for the fucking Jews when they came out of Nazi Germany? That's a trauma. How do you speak to them? But you're transgender. Like, if you say the wrong thing, you're literally, you could be like ostracized from, from everything. It's bullshit. It's like, it is unusual. It isn't common. And if somebody's walking down the street and they had one leg and they suffered from terrible burns on their face and they were disfigured. You're gonna be like oh. Because it's unusual and it's not saying that that's good or bad. You should be but like how are you gonna act? Like everything is so right, like everybody's so polit. Like they fake like they're politically correct directly. They have no off colored thoughts. No, you're right, they're hypocrites. No, they don't give a by the way, sanctimonious. It's sanctimonious as and nobody gives a real about it. I love black people, I love Chinese people, I have Mexicans. I love isis. I love everybody and I don't judge anyone. Get the out of here. Let me tell you something. People say it's an honor just be nominated. If you're the non corolla entry in rant of the year, take a back. Really? Really. All right, now moving on to song of the year. The nominees for song of the year are. Rich Banks and Mike Lynch. I was kicked off the Southwest Airline last flight coming home last weekend from Vegas after our Mangria event by the pool. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spent the day at the pool drinking the graveyard. Then hit the room for a little shout out. Woke up and rushed to the Southwest. It was the last flight at 8:30. This guy's a piece of. This guy's a piece of Southwest. Now my blood boils. Thanks a lot, you weirdo. And I said at least I got a fat ass suite I can go back to. Have fun. Just weirdo. Adam Ray. It's Friday night and the mood is right for some sex or some or just hanging out. But if you're doing the deed, make sure she's coming up to speed. That when she makes you feel good and gives you what you need, you're gonna want to say thank you. You're gonna want a high five. But all that comes out is that's the sound of a guy feeling great. I'm so sorry for that noise. I'm just trying to communicate how wonderful it feels, how spectacular you are. The feeling in my peace penis feels like I just want a car. You made me make a noise I never thought I'd make for something so glorious. It sounds like a mistake. I'm so sorry you had to be there. I'm sorry for waking you kids, but shit. Was I supposed to tell you at dinner that when I jizz that I sound like a guy who just fell from the sky or was attacked by a cat with Mark McGuire's bat? George Clooney does it alright and so does Denzel. I guarantee that Hitler also comes like that in hell. Well, hopefully someday scientists will say we found a drug that'll make you come in a much cooler way. Just take this yellow pill right before before you blow Then sing from your heart so that everyone will know Are you going to come close? I'm getting close. Hurry please. Drinks? Yeah. Can I get you a town Rich Banks and Ball Bryan straight out of no angry name ace man no one can complain like he can when he's in your neighborhood you better know Runs red turn Arrow Newman cars Ferraris and Lambos Gavin Newsom in theory car bank Ria is the shit he's hawking all his kids say is Daddy stop talking fuckers keep those coffee mugs clean. Burmettes on the east coast Bruce Springsteen Two kids named Sonny and Natalie One's a puss and the other's named Natalie Fancy food it's JB with a sign yet and goulash is what he needs Catching contractors with his homeboy Skip do any of your pussy has some dip? So if you see big teeth that are crazy Crazy Jew fro He's coming straight out of no Rich Banks and Mike Lynch Here she comes, lots of folks to meet Showing up to a warehouse might leave with hey hey, it's an orgy and Gina thought she'd check out the scene and she forgot that the dudes there would want to get in her machine Even though she showed up she wasn't there to fuck so Gina got her chest painted it took a tanker truck hey hey, it's an orgy mustache dude in nothing but socks she tried to shake the hand of a stranger and ended up stroking his hey, it's an or. And Rich Banks and Mike Lynch Breaker breaker, this is Bald Eagle's uncle. I got a 13 year old bald kid throwing his hammer down in the back of my semi. Forget about smokies, look out for spookies over. Roger that good buddy. Mercy sakes alive. Looks like we got a horny young bald boy way back in 91 on a long haul run at a Kenworth holiday logs. Got my nephew back in my sleeper cab and he's pulling on his hog. Had a full load in my trailer and one all over my sheets. All I could hear was the whine of those retread tires and Bald Brian slapping his meat. Cuz I'm driving with a horny bald boy jerking it through the night yeah, this horny little bald boy's paint my sleeper cap white 13 year old bald boy ain't nothing getting in his weight I'm driving with a jerkin bald boy across the USA Breaker one nine. It's Bald Eagles uncle again. You got your ears on? Roger Eagle's uncle. What's your 20? Rolling down I4O. I got a smokey on my muck flaps and I think I got some jizz on the back of my trucker cap. Over and out. Oh, man, please do that. A lot of great entries to choose from. That uncle has since died. All right, the winner song of the year. Rich Banks, Mike Lynch. Bald boy, Fallen Uncle. He's gonna be missed. Hey, am I nuts? I think I might have been out the day Adam Ray had that song. I have no recollection of that song. What's up? You were here. He. He played it and, and for some reason, I mean it was good, but we didn't. He. It's because he was here. We were looking at him and conversing. I sort of. I. There's a thing where, if you want to. I. I'll put to you this way. If you, if you have a song or you have a movie or you have a show, don't sit in the theater in the middle row because. Because people won't really watch. They'll look at you a lot. It's like you just put the headphones on, he's gone. And you got to hear every really funny lyric in that song. Five strong entries. Love that guy. All right, so Brian. Well, actually that one went to lynch and Rich Manx. Can someone Photoshop me a picture of an award shelf with like a third of an award and half an award. Maybe like one little corner of an award? The best guess, and this is a fan. The fans vote on this one. Entry number four. Our fourth nominee for best guest is R. Lee Ermey. That was actually my fifth film was Full Metal Jacket. I was in the Philippines. I was a single guy. I medically retired out of the Marine Corps, got hurt in Vietnam and I decided, well, hell, I liked it in the Far East. I would go back to the Far East. You can live over there on this little small retirement check like a king. So I went back to the Far east, had a couple of bars. A whorehouse. You had a whorehouse? Was doing quite nicely. Yes, of course. I mean, it was quite acceptable. There's nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, I think we should promote that idea right here. You'd have less rapes. Your mouth, your mouth to Satan's ears. I was a first of all, I went to Okinawa, Japan. I was had bars there in my whorehouse. Skippy house. How's your pimp hand today? You still strong? What's that? Your pimp hand. My pimp hand. You don't know what a pimp hand does? No, I'm not kind of a strong pimp hand. How many girls did you have? I had. Maximum was six. At one time I had six. I was down as far as three. Because they. They keep getting married. You know, they turn over, you know, they meet some young PFC that falls madly in love with them. The next thing you damn is out there getting married, for Christ sakes. The attrition head hunter or hunter. Well, we always had to sign out, you know, we were always looking for new talent. Wow. This is. This is where a zip recruiter ad would go. Zip, I guess. Don't do that. All right, moving along to number six. This is it, right? You got seven total nominees for Rants of the Year. So this is the second. Oh, I'm sorry. We have one more. Yes, that's right. Sorry. Rant of the Year. Our sixth nominee for Rant of the Year. Lynette getting kicked off Southwest and dumb people with power. That's the part that fucking drives me nuts is how cavalier clear. They can be about your day or your life or your schedule, your whatever. Just like, hey, off the plane, sweetheart. Yeah. It's 10 at night. The next flight leaves at 7:45 tomorrow. What the fuck do you want me to go you? Here's the problem. It's not them. It's not the dumb guys. Look, everyone think about the dumbest people you went to high school with. Okay? Okay, so everyone got everyone. Dawson. Dumbest guy. Oh, shit. Second dumbest guy. Wow. No, I'm not talking about you. All right. Dumbest guy you went to high school with, everybody. Dumbest guy. Dumbest guy. The dumbest people you went to high school with, they need to work. The people you're going to cross paths with are the dumbest people you went to high school with. I don't care what age you are. They will represent when you go out into society. When you go out and vaccinate, valet your car or have to deal with the parking guy or have to deal with the airport security or have to deal with the Southwest. Chicken. Chicken. Ticket, whatever. Those will be the dumbest people you went to high school with. That's what we've done. We've taken the smartest people you went to high school with, we put them up in a penthouse we put them in a corner office and we locked the door. You'll never see that guy again. Never see that girl or guy again. But the dumbest people we went to high school with with are out there amongst us. We have to deal with them. They are cops. They are folks that take tickets. They're the people. They're the face of every business you see. They're the first line of contact. They're right behind the counter. They're working security. They're taking the tickets. They're all the dumbest people we went to high school with are front and center every goddamn day. And we told those people, you have amazing magical powers. You get to fucking do whatever you want. To all the smart people he went to high school with. And there will be no repercussions. And as a society, we've deemed them heroes. We've deemed the fucking dumbest people we went to high school with as heroes. Because now they got a windbreaker and a ged. I'm not down with that. I've never been down with that. Please stop. Wow. There's one more to go. We're moving on to Technical and Creative Aces Dawson at the Technical and Creative Arts Aces held earlier this year, Ace Awards were given out in the following categories for Best impression of a bad Impression. Brett Morgan as Patton Oswalt as Robert Evans. People go, have you heard Patton Oswell's Bob Evans? And I was like, I. I had to do BA because here's a funny story. Bob wanted me to end the movie the night of the Marathon man premiere. Mm. We really need to go to the cocaine stuff. Wasn't in the book of day. Nobody cares. Most Loyal Bro. Dfg. What about my me being snubbed on the AC Wars? Oh, yeah, I didn't think about that. What should you have been up for, defrecka? Best caller? Best friend at the show. Okay. Most Loyal Bro. We didn't have enough. We didn't have Most Loyal Bro. Well, I just. I just, you know, I don't. Obviously I'm not going to tell you if it's all balls of jb. I think it's Day B. Okay, I'm sorry. Wow. It's getting emotional. I didn't even think that you guys even cared because it wasn't even mentioned. Obviously. Hey, dfg. Maverick. Are you getting emotional? Sounds like it. Oh, Froggy. Hey, what do you think of Apple's new watch? You're getting emotional, aren't you? I didn't know we thought you were this kind of tough Frat guy we didn't know. Cool guy we didn't know you had. This could only be tough for so long. But then the tweets start rolling in. We were like, sir, you got. Because I'm a kilter. I don't have folks. Best insult. I don't know who the electric piano player is on this song, but he really, really understands. It's not the notes you play, it's the notes you don't play. It's not the comments you make, it's the comments you don't. Worst cheese. Hung out with Phil Rosenthal and we had a slice of pizza down in the Village, and I talked to him about his feelings on goat cheese, and he said, it's the worst cheese. That's it. A special in memoriam tribute to Rowdy Roddy Piper. Oh, you know, they kept bringing me to different towns. I got so far behind, I can't read. I wrote a book. I've never read it. Wow. It's a running theme today. Yeah, I had the same problem. Really? Yeah, I couldn't read either. Like, I can't. I. I don't know. I can't. Well, but you can't read the words. They don't pay to read. No, but I would have liked. I wanted to be a doctor. Yeah, I want to be an astronaut. Tough. Well, wait a second, though. I had the skill. What if. Who knows you have the skill to be a doctor? You can't even read. Most uncomfortable moment from a guest host. Jim O'Hare. Yeah. Just for. For Jim and Leland, who might not know this. I believe this is my intro song because I told a story about how I did hair. Big musical theater kid. And was fully naked and loved every minute of it with those pendulous breasts. Thank you. Pendulous. How dare you. No, that's a good word. In my. Are you looking in the mirror? Just kidding. I was very offended. No, I was pendulous. Am I saying the wrong word? Yeah, I think so. We met. I think you meant perky. I think you meant pendulum. What is. No, pendul. Commented on our large press. Am I wrong? I feel like it's more of a grandfather. Oh, God. I didn't mean that at all. There's like a pendulum swinging. No, but that is telling. Not at all what I meant. Not at all what I meant. Try and imagine the 18 year old version. It was much tighter. Well, that's how I'm thinking of it. Thank you very much. Going to speak or Look? I think. I think I've made a Horrible. Full paw for pep talk of the year, Coach Platitude. Team that's going to win today is the team that's going to score the most points. We got one job that's either two jobs or one job that I can break off into an A and a B. I'll give you both. We there can do the A, stop them from scoring points, and B, we score more points. That's the A and the B of the one job. Or I can just narrow it down to two jobs. Job number one, score points. Job number two, stop them for scoring points. Now, I don't care if we score 100 points. They score 101 points, they win the game. Understand, the team that's going to win this afternoon is going to be the team that wants it more. Unless the team that wants it less scores more points, in which case, it'll be the team that wants it less. Now, look, there's only four quarters, hence the definition of quarters. There's not five and there's not three. Now, we can go out there and play hard for three quarters, and we're still going to lose this game unless we score so many points that the one quarter is not enough for the other team that wants it less but has more talent than us to make up the gap between the amount of points we scored and then. All right, A helmet's not a chair. Hey, Coach. Coach. Huh? Your pregame speeds took up most of the first quarter. So we forfeited the game. We forfeited the game. Okay, There are no losers on this field today. And drop of the year. Hi, Gary. Oh, wow. Nice. Yeah. Well, still coming up again, have the best drop by the guests, the staff, by me, by a caller, and of course, guest of the year and rant of the year. So still more to come. All right, let's move on. Let's do the best drop by guest. The nominees for best drop by a guest are. Dr. Bruce, I'm waiting for you. Get explosive diarrhea, Lynette. Thanks a lot, you weirdo. Damishek. Captain Hilarious Phil Rosenthal. Yeah. And Dr. Drew. You can't. It's time to announce. Let me point out that I don't know the winner. I. I don't vote on the winner. I've been handed the winner. Oh, all right. Thanks a lot, you weirdo. Nice. Well deserved. Oh, so awesome. We'll see Lynette in a few minutes when we wrap it up here and head over to the Christmas. Christmas party. All right, now, drop of the year by a staff member the nominees for best drop by a staff member are. Gina the Hack with the rack. Gary Young. Money Cash money. Gina Demboody, Shop Dots Dawson, Black man and anal woman. And Gina don't care. Oh, what a category got to be. Gina dominated that category. Let's open the world to find out. Don't care. Thank you. Thank you. This is a true honor. Thank you so much. Thank you to Jay Cutler. Thank you, everybody. Don't care. All right, now, Best drop by moi. The nominees for best drop from Adam are. Extra hairy pussy. You. There is no God. I'm God. Off the stage fact. Who sucks that guy's dick? Ow. Who sucks that guy's dick? Thank you. I don't remember what the context was. It was some. Some pussy guy. Some. Yeah, I do. Yeah. It was like the. The guy who drives in front of you and who, like, honks the horn when you go around them or whatever. Just. Yeah, the guy's. When he gets home and tells the story, at some point, somebody is sleeping next to them in the same bed. Who are these people and why are they rewarded with punani? All right. Best drop by a caller. The nominees for best drop by a caller are. I'm in construction. Okay. I was hoping I wasn't there. Gina's got boobs. Random. Got a podcast every day. I like the show Cops. Close your legs. I can see all the way up to your breakfast. And the winner is. Brian. I like the show Cops. Yeah. All right, now the best guest. And the guest is this the fifth one. So this will be the final one. And this will be the unveiling of the best guest from. As the fans voted on, by the way, from 2015. Our final nominee for best guest is. Rainn Wilson. Tell me if this happens to you, Rainn Wilson, you and other celebrities threaten to get together with the wives. Like, every time I talk to. Every time I talk to Bryan Cranston or Howie Mandel, it's like we are getting together for dinner. Let's get the wives on the email chain. Then two years passes, never happens. Do you have that? I have that with Dave Keckner. Oh, I have that. He's mine. No, no, he's all mine. Keckner's on my list. Let's have a. We should start a bet. How much do you want to bet that I get Keckner and his wife to dinner before you? I can make it happen like that. Do you know how big I am? I don't know. See if someone can call Keckner, get him, and we Won't tell him. What's a date? Hey, Dave, it's. It's Rainn Wilson. Hey, buddy. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? Fantastic. Thank you. You know, I've just been thinking. Sorry to call you out of the blue. I've just been thinking about how we've always talked about getting the wives together for dinner. It's like year. For years. And I'm just wondering if next week you guys want to get together. Let me. Let me see here. About the 20th. Hey, hey, listen, I got it. I'm just seeing that this guy's at my door. I got to hop off real quick. Can I call you. Can I call you back just in a few minutes and we'll just kind of confirm some details. Okay? I'm going to call you back in just a second. Sorry. Sorry, man. Someone's at the door. Wow. It's happening now. I. I gotta call. I gotta call Keckner. Hey. Hey. David. Sam. Carolla. Hey, buddy. How are you? Good, man. How you doing? I'm great. Just talking to someone about this, and we're always talking about, like, getting together with the wives and going out to dinner and all that stuff, and I just thought, you know what? At some point, I gotta pick up the phone. I love it. And I just thought, you know, you're at the top of my list. I don't know what the wives. I know Lynette's probably around, but can I just tell you an incredibly coincidental story that happened three minutes ago? Rainn Wilson just called me and said, you know, we've been talking for years about getting the wives together for dinner. The office guy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He does a backstorm, too, or something now, right on Fox. He called three minutes ago and said, what? Are we getting the wives together? Let's pick a date. So I said, Friday the 20th, because that's the next one coming up. It's weird how this stuff clusters together, right? It's crazy. But let's. Let me. Let's see. I know Lee has something Wednesday. Well, do you. Do you even. I mean, I don't want to. Rain sounds like a great guy, but you and I kind of go back, you know, I mean, because the 20th was what I. I was. I didn't. I didn't. I was. I was kind of looking at it, too. You think that is so funny? We do lunch with Rain and do dinner with me and Lynette. You know, he's more of like a brunch guy. Okay. Have, like, an eggs A la Fizdale or something with Rain and his old lady. And then step up to some steak with the Corollas. Love you, bud. Hello? Dave. Hey, man. Sorry about that. So anyway, going Back to the 20th. We good? I think so I gotta confirm with late. Okay. All right, so let me. I will call you back. Okay. Tonight and confirm this. I love you so much. Now, is that the only day you have? Pretty much. Okay. All right. All right. We'll figure this out. All right. Yeah, just get back to me. All right, Awesome. I love you. I love you, too. Bye. Bye. The greatest game in a podcast in history. Unbelievable. Okay. How does he not put two and two together? This is one of the smartest, funniest. He's the sweetest guy on the planet. He is. This is incredible. I think we. I think we. I think we tied. I think it's gonna tie. This is the greatest moment in podcasting history. It really was a moment. Yeah. Ken Kechner is just one of the nicest guys on the planet. All right, so did either of you ever end up going to dinner with him? Fuck no. Okay, Just checking. Adam and Raine was at dinner. Yeah, Right. Talked about him. We did go out with Howie Mandel, though, not too long after that. So I got that on my list. Nowhere near the same thing. No, he was on my list of people I always threatened to go out to dinner with. And you made it happen. All right, Best guest. The fans. This is the award for best guest. Yeah, the fans voted on this. Big award. Big award. Joe Coy. Yeah. Joy. Mazel Tom. He deserves everything he gets. Great gun. Just delivers every single time. And now the big one. Number seven. This is the last award. Rant of the year. Our final nominee for rant of the year. Censorship on cable television. I turned on the TV the other day and Tropic Thunder came on. Love Tropic Thunder. And Robert Downey Jr. Doing the black guy just fucking slays me every time in Tom Cruise and so on and so forth. And it was on Comedy Central. And you don't know how much cussing in Tropic Thunder until they just bleep out. But they don't bleep out anymore. They literally just drop the sound out. So they go, oh, you rich white mother. You think you can come in here with your big pockets and no, it's like, that's the whole fucking movie. So there's so much cussing, you cannot avoid it. And it really takes quite a bit away from the experience. Experience of watching the movie. What they do not edit. What they don't edit, but they do not edit is the scene where the director stands on the steps on the claymore mine and it's eviscerated. That is run in its entirety. And then later on, when Speedman, who's been. Picks up the. Picks up the head. Ben Stiller finds the head, picks up the head, holds it by the hair, neck severed at the neck with the wiggly guts, wigglies hanging down, and says, oh, come on, this is just a fake. This is clearly a fake. I've done enough. This is nothing but corn syrup. It's chocolate syrup or corn syrup that's dyed red. It's nothing. Starts shoving his fingers in. Into a. And then starts licking the guts that are hanging off the thing. Now that versus when the guy says, oh, come on, you know, you're full of bull and you don't know hearing bullshit. And by the way, we're filling it in and our autocorrect in our mind, I said my head super loud. I may have even just yelled the N word. Gone too far with it. You know what I'm saying? The point is, is I said in my head, I heard you say you just drop shit out. We can't help it as human beings. But to fill it in, we don't. We don't go in a canary or put in arbitrary words or pictures of our grandparents. Yes, we can. We can. We can watch him, what he does with this head. So. Okay, geniuses at Comedy Central, you're cleaning it up for who? The kids? Ah, God, we're such a fucked up. Am I the only fucking atheist with two brain cells to rub together? We are weird and dumb, right? Yeah, that's one of the most. Like, it's hard to watch. It's a scene that's hard to watch because he's licking well. It's hilariously hard to watch. Yeah, but he's licking head guts. Yeah, his decapitated head or a blown apart head. But he thinks special effect. So I wasn't there for this rant because someone left you hanging on Tug Speedman, Ben Stiller's character. I would not have let that transgression fly. Fucking love truck. The thing I always say is, all our children, God willing, will grow up one day and say God damn it or bullshit or motherfucker. But what they won't do is hold a severed head and lick the guts that are hanging off the neck, the entrails. Why is it. Why is it the thing they won't do or sex or some form of that my daughter will have boobies, and at some point a dude will feel them. Why is it the stuff that is done in life is so taboo and the stuff that we pray never happens to us or to them or in front of them is the stuff that's just on the table rampant? It's weird, right? Yeah. I would say a double standard, but it's hardly a standard. All right, so this is. Do you have a strong opinion on rant of the Year? Oh, let's see. And there's also Rapoports. Yeah. And Lynette. Oh, yeah, that's right. Fuck. Well, the Lynette one was me going, I like, for me, as a guy who's older and richer, having every. We all went to high school with, just roaming around, telling us, while we're sitting at the beach drinking a cold one, dump it in the sand. And you're just sitting there going, I didn't even drive. And they're like, just dump it in the sand. That society, like that douche, that guy, that, to me, sort of encapsulates just what we've done and how we've ruined our world. Agreed. And that we've all decided that that guy's necessary and we pay him. And it's not any place. It's the beach. It's the place supposed to be the most relaxed, which is the most touristy place. Could you imagine any. Any scenario where some dude just walked up and went, hey, what are you drinking? I'm drinking a Bud Light and dump it in the sand like I'm in my shorts and nothing else. Like, if you're in a comedy club and it's 11:30 at night, have all you want. But if you're just sitting in the sand watching your kids play on the zippy board, dump it. And by the way, I'm telling you to dump it in the sand because I'm in a good mood. I could all. I love that. I love that we've just signed off on those retards running our society become complacent. All right, so that would be my one. But here we go. The winner ran to the air. Lynette kicked off the southwest flight. Dumb people in power. Yes, good. Listen, in. In 50 years wall be chicks. There's a chapter called minimum wage gilded cage. He took a bunch of people, paid a minimum wage, tell them to build the cage around us, and now they just fuck with us. You know why I like that one? Winning. It's. It's. It's universal. It's not, you know, building a pool on your property. It's something everyone encounters csa, everyone encounters, you know, the minimum wage golden cage. Agreed. All right. A great year, a great job once again by Dawson and Lynch and Gary and all the people responsible. Now it's time to hoist a beer and a rib and enjoy ourselves at the Christmas party. So you guys, thank you so much for making 2015 such a great year and we look forward to seeing you and many others like you in 2016. It would not be possible without you. So thank you. And until next time, this is Adam Curl for Gina, Grant, Paul, Brian and the whole family here at Corolla Digital sang Mahalo. Thank you for joining us for this year's ACE Awards. Send it to a friend and show them what they missed in 2015 and help them get it on next year. The ACE Awards is a Corolla digital presentation produced by Mike lynch and Mike Dawson, co producers Gary Smith, Kalyn Bean, Nick Davis and Chris Loxamana. Signal captured seamlessly by road microphones. Orchestra provided by Extreme music. Travel to VA's awards is furnished by Matt Fondelier's Uber and by Southwest Airlines, except for Lynette Hotel accommodations by the cheap place near the airport because that's all August would cough up. For nominees and winners chosen by a select panel and your Twitter feedback, follow us on Twitter at Adam Carollashow and keep your complaints to yourself. Don't care. The ACE Awards. Oh, oh, oh. Riley Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I've used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have. Well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well. Get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts one stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam all right, you need parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts has parts. Need them fast. Fast. We've got fast. No matter what you need, we have thousands of professional parts people doing their part to make sure you have it. Product availability just one part that makes O'Reilly stand apart. The professional parts people Auto Parts Lights are going up. Snow is falling down. There's a feeling of goodwill around downtown. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. People throwing parties. Ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here at participate at McDonald's for a limited time. It's Adam Crawl Show 1726. That does it for today's Kroll Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for the actual ACE Awards for this year, 2024, along with some other possible surprises. I'll be coming to you with more Corolla Classics after that. Until Adam and the crew return, we're going to be playing the rest of the ACE Awards, including ones that have never yet been played in the Corolla Classics feed or as part of Best of. Until next week, Mollop and get it on.