Erica Rhodes Hates Activities for Couples + Adam Reacts to the “NO KINGS” Protests

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Episode Summary

Episode: Erica Rhodes Hates Activities for Couples + Adam Reacts to the “NO KINGS” Protests
Date: October 20, 2025
Guests: Erica Rhodes (comedian), Mike Dawson (news & co-host)
Theme: This episode takes on two core themes—the absurdities of modern “NO KINGS” protests and government hypocrisy, and the pitfalls of forced couple activities—with Adam’s signature comedic rants, sharp social commentary, and guest Erica Rhodes diving deep into relationship quirks and modern life’s oddities.

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Overview

Adam Carolla, joined by Mike Dawson and comedian Erica Rhodes, kicks off with a satirical review of the current cultural climate. Adam gives his unfiltered takes on the recent "NO KINGS" protests, government hypocrisy in California, and processes in politics, peppered with classic rants on public behavior, bureaucracy, and “chick think.” The second half lightens up with Erica Rhodes, exploring the awkward realities of couple-oriented leisure and personal anecdotes of cohabiting and single life—sprinkled with playful banter, stand-up references, and plenty of laughs.

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Main Topics & Key Insights

I. Adam Reacts to “NO KINGS” Protests

[03:02-23:06]

News Recap

• Dawson introduces the “NO KINGS” rally footage featuring Kathy Griffin in Malibu, where protest motives and sincerity are hilariously questioned by Adam.
  • "In Malibu? One of your friends was out there running the show." — D [03:18]
• Adam lampoons the ambiguous motives of protestors, the ambiguity of supportive honking, and the disproportionate focus on "participation over outcome."
  • "Most people are idiots. The numbers game is a weird one to play." — Adam [04:58]

Rant on Government Overreach

• Adam questions California’s supposed anti-monarchist stance by detailing excessive government restrictions on individual property ("guy builds a treehouse, gov tears it down") vs. real tyranny.
  • “There's a guy three miles from here who built a beautiful tree house on his property… the government showed up and tore it down. That's governmental overreach.” — Adam [06:00]

"Chick Think" and Political Process

• Adam breaks down gendered approaches to process in politics, arguing many activist movements and local government efforts get lost in symbolic action rather than substantive change.
  • "Women like the process… they discuss stuff... And then they go home and act like something got done. Right? Nothing got done.” — Adam [08:00]
• He extends this digression to LA City government, Newsom, and even Obama, noting the obsession with optics over outcomes.
  • "I know, but I don't like the optics of it. Right. That is fucking chick think.” — Adam referencing Obama [12:41]

Observations on Modern Protests

• Dialogue on symbolism-over-substance continues: protests are for “grievance people” who perpetually seek some cause, regardless of progress.
  • "These people are grievance people. What's going on with Hamas? Well, Hamas is just shooting people in the street... They're grievance people." — Adam [20:47]

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II. Social Media, Trump, and Censorship

[16:15-23:06]

• Discussion of Donald Trump joining Blue Sky, motivations for alternative platforms, and left/right social media reactions—Adam critiques the need for new echo chambers and double standards of “controlling the narrative.”
  • “If they can't control it, then there's an issue with it. The issue is not that it's corrupted, it's that you can't corrupt it.” — Adam [17:51]

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III. Riff on Absurd Policies and Urban Life

[24:37-41:32]

• Satirical takes on free bus rides, government handouts, irrelevant "studies," and the perverse incentives of making things free (“no pride of ownership”).
  • “Free everything is a shit show. Free bus rides… $2 is not something.” — Adam [38:10]

The Model/Underwear Rant

• Hilarious proposal that underwear packaging should feature actual body types for each size—pointing out societal double standards for men vs women in body positivity marketing.
  • “The picture of the model on the box has to be commensurate with the size of the underpants you're buying.” — Adam [55:16]
  • “I've never… You're right. I've never seen a plus size guy model.” — Erica [58:22]

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IV. Erica Rhodes Segment: Relationships, Bunk Beds, and Activities for Couples

[45:49-80:47]

Cohabiting as a Young Adult

• Erica shares a story of moving in with a boyfriend, her lingering immaturity symbolized by getting bunk beds, and humorous failed relationship logistics.

  • “I got bunk beds for my room… that's how immature I was at the time.” — Erica [49:44]

• Adam recalls his own adult bunk bed days and the pecking order dictated by luck with women.

  • “The guy who gets the most pussy gets the bottom bunk. That’s how it works.” — Adam [51:04]

Awkward Encounters and Dating Anecdotes

• Erica’s story of almost hooking up with a man, only to discover he’s an underwear model on an H&M billboard after she blew him off.
  • “And then I decided to go shopping... huge billboard. He's on it.” — Erica [53:54]

Couples Activities Satire

• Both Adam and Erica pile on about how “couple’s massage,” “couple’s yoga,” etc. are awkward, unsexy, and unnecessary.
  • “The number one thing that sounds good, that's done the most damage, is passion fruit iced tea… but the second one is the couple's massage.” — Adam [74:11]
  • “Couples yoga also looks—never! There’s couples yoga and it just doesn’t look fun at all.” — Erica [76:34]
  • "If somebody said to me, would you rather get a full one hour couples massage or a 20 minute massage, but the bitch’s not gonna be in the room—I’d go, I’ll take the 20 minute.” — Adam [77:33]
  • “I don’t like anything couples related...” — Erica [76:19]

On Male “Chivalry” (Massages as Trades)

• Adam explains the “motives” behind men offering women massages (“it’s just a trade, a way to get the bra off”).
  • “When guys offer massages, it's usually them trying to get the bra off.” — Adam [78:07]

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V. Everyday Annoyances & Life Lessons

[61:00-69:30]

Bathroom Etiquette

• Adam lays out the “bathroom etiquette policy” for offices: door closed = occupied, open = free, partly ajar = at your own risk.
  • “The policy here is… when the door is shut to the bathroom, somebody is in the bathroom and using the bathroom, 100%.” — Adam [62:22]
• Discussion of obscure regulations in California when ordering a urinal, and the Rube Goldberg nature of getting one installed.

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VI. Miscellaneous Anecdotes & Observations

[69:39-81:52]

Thai Massage

• Adam humorously compares the intensity of a Thai massage to “trying to get a corpse to fart for $1 million."
  • “If I said to somebody, you see that corpse over there? If you can get that corpse to fart, I will give you $1 million... You would just start ramming knees into abdomens and shit. That’s essentially what the Thai massage is.” — Adam [70:02]

The "Ceremonial Umbilical Cutting"

• Adam jests about not wanting (and not understanding the need) to cut the umbilical cord at his children’s birth.
  • “They go, you wanna cut that umbilical cord... I go, no, I don’t want to do that… Am I not paying you guys enough to cut the fucking umbilical cord?” — Adam [82:08]

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VII. Sports, Protests & Judgment Calls

[90:00-101:29]

Replay Gimp Satire

• Adam pitches the “replay gimp,” an absurdist solution for instant replay controversies (inspired by inconsistencies in football rulings), insisting the gimp knows nothing of prior calls so judgment is pure.
  • “The replay gimp never knows what the call was… He doesn't even know what team is what." — Adam [94:22]
  • “It’s built on the same level as the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. You don’t do it for the money, you do it for the prestige.” — Adam [98:01]
• Extended riff involving Erica and Dawson, with running jokes about gimp handlers, stadium culture, sports tradition, and dominatrix costumes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Protest Logic

• "Most people are idiots. The numbers game is a weird one to play." — Adam [04:58]
• “Yeah, we live in a country where 100 million people put ketchup on a hot dog and, like, like Hall & Oates. So what do you want me to tell you? Does that make them smart?” — Adam [05:05]

On California Bureaucracy

• “People have no idea how many rules California has…” — Adam [66:43]

On Couples Activities

• “I don’t like anything couples related... Even miniature golf is like, bitch, go to the other side. I’ll be over here. Get away from me.” — Erica [76:19]
• “Couple’s massage… sounds good, but it’s weird. The whole massage thing is, I don’t want to see this bitch. I want to fucking be left alone.” — Adam [74:42]

On Male Massages

• “When guys offer massages, it's usually them trying to get the bra off.” — Adam [78:07]

On Political “Chick Think”

• “Their wiring is a kind of… this feels like something. So they go out, and they yell. They have the Million Women’s March… then they go home... Dudes look at it and go, I don’t get it, you guys got nothing done.” — Adam [11:25]

On Bureaucratic Solutions

• “Bathroom policy: door’s closed, occupied. Door’s wide open, walk right in. Door’s propped open about 6 or 8 inches, enter at your own risk.” — Adam [62:22]

On “Replay Gimp” and Sports Ritual

• “The replay gimp never knows what the call was because he's in the bowels of the stadium... There's just, did this ball cross the goal line or didn't it.” — Adam [94:22]
• “You don’t do it for the money. You do it for the prestige.” — Adam [98:01]

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Key Timestamps

• 03:02: News: “NO KINGS” rally, Malibu reactions
• 06:00: Rant: CA government overreach vs. “no kings” rhetoric
• 08:00-12:41: “Chick think” & process in politics
• 15:24: Satire on CA climate policies vs. reality
• 38:10: Free bus rides & government “studies” rant
• 45:49: Erica Rhodes joins, discusses dating, bunk beds, and relationships
• 55:16: Underwear packaging & body positivity for men
• 62:22: Adam’s bathroom-door etiquette system (practical life rule)
• 70:02: Thai massage story (“trying to get a corpse to fart…”)
• 74:11-79:00: Extended take-down of “couple’s massage” and “couples activities”
• 90:00–101:29: The “replay gimp” satire, replay controversies in football

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Adam Carolla Show Notables

• True-to-form, the humor is sharp, irreverent, and unsparing—on politics, pop culture, and relationships.
• Erica Rhodes’s dry comic tone and personal stories mesh perfectly with Adam’s perspective, yielding genuine comedic chemistry.
• Dawson serves as straight man, often feeding Adam set-ups for elaborate, extended bits.
• Practical, occasionally heartfelt, but always delivered with a sardonic edge, this episode is a quintessential example of the Adam Carolla Show’s blend of cultural critique, life advice, and uncensored comedy.

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For Listeners Who Missed It:

This episode delivers a blend of social skepticism, comic personal confessions, and the enduring message that in modern life, optics often matter more than outcomes, but sometimes a clear policy and a little honest self-awareness beat all the "process" in the world. If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at pointless protests, wondered who actually wants a couple’s yoga session, or needed a reminder to leave the bathroom door open when you’re done, this one’s for you.

Transcript

[A]

Well in this episode. Very funny. Beautiful comedian Erica Rhodes is back in studio. Also, Dawson's doing the news, I'm doing the commentary and we'll do that right after this. Bet Online hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Football season is in full swing and there's no better place to get in on the action than BetOnline, your number one source for all things football. Betonline get gives you more ways to play with the latest odds, breaking news, live scores and even in game betting. So you never miss out on a moment from every NFL and college game and matchup. Betonline is your place for all things football and if you love MLB or UFC or NHL, anything with letters in it, futures, even. Bet Online keeps you locked into the action all year long. And don't forget, get the BETonline VIP program with exclusive level up bonuses, weekly cash boosts and rewards designed for serious players. Head to Betonline today. That's Betonline. The game starts here.

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[D]

From Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Erica Rhodes. Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now he didn't go to a no Kings protest, but he did do When I'm King on the Man Show. Adam Carolla.

[A]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. The church video mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the show. Erica Rhodes, beautiful and funny comedian's going to join us a little bit later. Dawson's got some news. He's in the studio. Lots to get into with Dawson. So I don't know. Let's just get to the news. What do you got?

[D]

Let's talk about the no Kings or the no Jobs rally from yesterday. Supposed to be nationwide, worldwide. They're alleging that millions. Millions of Americans were out protesting. No Kings. We got a great video of a protest in Malibu.

[A]

In Malibu.

[D]

One of your friends was out there running the show. Let's watch this.

[A]

Kathy Griffin.

[D]

This is Kathy Griffin.

[C]

This is what democracy looks like.

[A]

This is what democracy looks like.

[D]

She's doing that move.

[A]

I had no idea. I was in Malibu all day yesterday.

[C]

This is what democracy looks like now.

[D]

Somebody drives up here, there's some video here. People drive up, and I can't really tell if they're telling people to get the hell out of the road or if they're honking because they support.

[A]

Yeah, the honk is. Is ambiguous. Yeah.

[D]

This guy's like, lady, get the hell out of my way.

[A]

Yeah, the Malibu Cruise. A little conservative. All right, we can pause it. Look, couple things. This thing. So people argue. They go, you know, we had 10 million people show up during COVID I talked to 200 million retarded people who didn't know jack shit about anything and were scared and cowards and lied and were wrong about everything. So should I talk to another 10 million retarded people who didn't fucking know anything? Or what if there were 200 million retarded people, they won't hear you. My whole point is take your fucking numbers game and shove it up your ass. You. You trying to sell me? Post Covid, we got a bunch of Americans that are fucking. We got a big number of people.

[D]

Right?

[A]

I literally, during COVID was on an island surrounded by a sea of retarded people who are wrong. So, yes, I was outnumbered. But you wanna play the numbers game? Well, all right. There was just me and a couple other people, and then there was this mass herd of dumb people that were incorrect and. Or lying. So I don't know, they go, 10 million people showed up. Or 3 million people. 3 million dumb shit showed up that doesn't listen. We live in a country where 100 million people put ketchup on a hot dog and, like, calling oats. So what do you want me to tell you? Does that make them smart? Does that make them correct is what I'm saying? No. Make some fucking idiots. Most people are idiots. The numbers game is a weird one to play. The other one in California, like, people are like, no kings. It's like, no kings.

[D]

Yeah, no kings.

[A]

There's a Guy three miles from here that built a beautiful tree house on his property 20 years ago and three months ago the government showed up and tore it down. That's governmental overreach. The other stuff, where they closed the border or they're fucking around with tariffs or they wanna lower the corporate tax rate or something, that's governmental shit. Government showing up on your property and tearing down a structure that you built, that's overreach. And that is no problemo in Los Angeles. So we vote for the guy. Closes the beaches, who bulldozes the skate parks, who closes restaurants and business. Restaurants and business. And churches and welds rebar over the rims of basketball box doors and strip clubs open. Right? And shuts down the parks and shuts and closes schools. Closes schools. That's not a king.

[D]

That's not a king.

[A]

That's not a king. Throwing you out of your business and shutting your kids school down and shutting the beach down, arresting you in the bay for paddleboarding. That's not kingly behavior according to California, so fuck right off.

[D]

Well, the complete idiocy and hypocrisy of this whole thing is being noted by several conservatives. Brit Hume says the no Kings rallies are mostly a protest against a man who sought power through democratic elections and enacted his major agenda item by majority vote of democratically elected members of Congress. Some king, they're saying no kings. And the man was democratically elected, won the popular vote and is allowing you to protest.

[A]

Yeah, it's also. I don't know why this stuff is not wildly unsatisfying to people. It's a kind of chick think thing. I have this big article that somebody sent me that explains where we're at as a society. It's chick think. And we fucked up our society with chick think. It's an interesting article. Maybe I'll get to it today. But in the article it basically says that, which I've been saying my whole life, or at least the last 20 years of my life. Women like the process. They're into the process. They break off, they discuss stuff, they discuss it again, they discuss it some more, they get a little emotional, they discuss it a third time. And then they go home and they act like something. Something got done, got done, right? Nothing got done. Like Nithya Rahman, our Los Angeles council member, whatever, two and a half years ago, was railing against Toyota because she wanted the catalytic converters not so easily stolen. And that was Toyota's fault. Okay, that's fine. But it's been two and a half years. What Legislation. Did you talk to Toyota? Did they start modifying their manufacturing process for their exhaust systems for their Priuses, or did nothing happen, but you felt like something happened? I used to say this all the time to my ex wife, and I started to dawn on me. Like, I'd say, like, hey, man, the cable's still out or something. And she'd go, I called the guy like you told me. I called him and I go, when? Three days ago. I go, what happened? He didn't pick up. I go, okay, so nothing. We're at nothing. We're at nothing. And it used to happen all the time. And then I started to realize she didn't feel like we were at nothing. She felt like we're at sort of or something. You know what I mean? Like, she didn't. She knew we didn't have the cable on, but she felt satiated a little bit. Like, like, like.

[D]

I would say it's like any movement, any movement in a direction is progress, right?

[A]

We didn't have cable, but we had sort of like 40% of cable or part of cable or something. Now, in my Brass Tax world, we have nothing, right? Nothing. So it's a kind of a. Like, you lose the game by one point or the race by a tenth of a second. You just lost. In their world, you kind of almost won or you may have won or partially won, but go, look, it doesn't matter if you got blown out 64 to nothing or 64 to 63. It's just an L at the end of the year. But it feels like something. And so I started realizing women, and it's not even really a knock. Their wiring is a kind of. This feels like something. So they go out and they yell. They have the Million Women's March or the no Kings March, and then they come home and they go, all right. I look at it from a dude on top of dude on top of dude kind of perspective, and I go, I don't get you guys got nothing done. You just went around, walked around, burn some calories, shut down some traffic, Shut down some traffic, and then you went home. I don't know. What do you think Trump's doing? What are we doing with this information? I would say the Million Woman's March, too. I would talk to women like, what are you doing? I'm marching. What do you want? Equality. Like, where? In what situation? Tell me what you want now. They wanted to march.

[D]

None of these auxiliary causes mean anything. The only reason, the only reason why these people are out on the street is they've been conditioned to hate Donald Trump.

[A]

Right? So in this.

[D]

That's the only reason why they're there.

[A]

And I'll read more in this article, but this article says female groups. This is written by a woman, by the way. Female group dynamics favor consensus and cooperation. Men order each other around, but women can only suggest and persuade. It's basically. I've said it a million times. These are process. Karen Bass, the LA City Council. And there's dudes who are affected by this. Newsom's this way, Obama's this way. Talk and talk and talk. I'll give you an example. Somebody said to Obama years ago, hey, you're raising the corporate tax rate. You know, when you lower the corporate tax rate, you get more tax revenue because more businesses and more. You just make a deeper pie.

[D]

Right.

[A]

So you want more money, don't raise the corporate tax rate, lower the corporate tax rate. And he goes, I know, but I don't like the optics of it. Right.

[D]

I remember that.

[A]

That is fucking chick think.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Do you want more money in the government's coffers or not? Then just do what. Yeah, but you don't like. You don't like the way it looks. Cause you wanna be the one. You're the guy who hates corporations, I guess, or whatever. The optics, it's all optics. Nothing comes out the other end. And if you get a city that's run by these people, you get la, you get la, you get no Interesting.

[D]

But we're all heroes because we're protesting ICE and Trump.

[A]

Yeah. Somebody sent me a pic and it made me laugh. It was. Tweeted me a big pile of garbage. Just a huge pile of garbage. And it's. And said, but it's what I've been saying for a long time. Thank God we outlawed the plastic straw. Yeah. And then we just have huge piles of trash. Well, the point is, is it's. That's what this is. You know, I used to say all the time, it's like somebody said, and I mean it. I think it's a thing. And I think Newsom does it all the time. I said, I would say it's like if we were like if a couple was at dinner at a restaurant with another couple, you know, and they go, how's it going? And the woman was like, well, Steve just redid the garage and put stainless steel German cabinetry in all the garage with full extension, ball bearing, accuride, drawer guides, all Euro hinges, all stainless steel. I don't know if. Is it brushed aluminum, honey, or is It. Stainless polish. Oh, it's brushed nickel. Oh, okay. All right. And I went to this great detail about my garage and all these stainless steel cabinetry and everything in there. And then at some point, I invited the couple over to have dinner, and they walked in the front door and there's raccoons in the sink and shit everywhere and garbage all fucked up. You'd go, this is not what's going on. Well, I'm talking about the detail in my garage to get you off the fact that I'm living in a dumpster.

[D]

Right.

[A]

It's a. It's a distraction. Like, if you are. If you're worried about plastic straws, you must be living in a utopia.

[D]

Must be.

[A]

Because there can't be. There can't be zombies on the street stroking out to Fentanyl if you're worried about straws. Like, if you said, oh, we're going to go. Like, when you. When you talk about these shitholes in the Middle east, no one ever goes, you know, in Iraq, they're worried about straws. And it's like you go, no, no, they got ethnic cleansing going on over there. They don't. So when you talk about little stupid detail shit, it distracts people, but it also makes people think you're. Everything else is done. Well, one, you fixed every other problem.

[D]

One arm of that is in California, we are so obsessed with climate change and emissions, and yet our traffic system is one of the worst in the world. And so we've got all these big trucks idling, putting out fumes, more fumes than they would if traffic was running normally. Right, But.

[A]

Right.

[D]

You would think that because we care so much. Boy, their traffic system must move because the. And then the wildfires. There must be no wildfires there because they do so much. So it's like they focus on these little optics things.

[A]

Yes, I completely agree. They focus on windmills. Meanwhile, there's garbage and homeless and death everywhere.

[D]

They focus on windmills and scream at windmills.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Donald Trump is trolling everybody again. This time. This time he went to their home base. You know, Blue sky was started by. I believe. I believe Instagram meta. I believe it was formed as. As soon as Musk bought Twitter, Blue sky was formed and all of the lefties ran there because they were afraid of truth. On Twitter, Donald Trump joined. He joined Blue Sky.

[A]

That's great.

[D]

This is his first. This is his first. Hey, everybody, welcome. I'm on Blue Sky.

[A]

My fellow Americans, our movement is far from over. In fact, our fight has only just begun. We are one movement, one people, one family, and one glorious auto pen.

[D]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

So with American pride swelling in our hearts, he's trolling everyone out of the Gulf of America. Great again.

[C]

Again.

[D]

With the sombrero getting big.

[A]

So, Tom Homan, Tom, Son over the border. Trump's the king. He's the Pope. He's throwing out illegals.

[D]

Now, Chuck, I wonder. I. I'm not sure if it's possible. I just thought of this, though. I wonder if you could just pull up that blue. I would like to see some of the comments on this.

[A]

Well, you know, the thing about X is it was adulterated and corrupted in its past form. Yes. Then Elon Musk got it and said, say whatever you want. And the left, by the way, showing their hand, went, we don't trust it anymore. They have this bizarre thing, which is if they can't control it, then there's an issue with it. The issue is not that it's corrupted, it's that you can't corrupt it.

[D]

Right.

[A]

So why don't you just go there and get your fucking information or give your points or read your points and agree and disagree. I'm not sure what they. I've been on X uninterrupted before. He bought it. Twitter, obviously, and X now, it's no nevermind to me. Except for a couple of doctors can have a couple opinions on Covid or something that they weren't, or the election or whatever it is that they formerly weren't allowed to have.

[D]

You can speak poorly of Gavin Newsom on X. You weren't able to do that before.

[A]

Yeah. So that's all. I don't know why that necessitates a new platform. But anyway, Trump's funny. And also, Trump, here's the reality with crazy people. If whatever it is you have a problem with exists in real life, like a real problem, then that can be addressed. If your problem is just invisible, like systemic racism or whatever, whatever else you're making up at the time, then it can never be addressed because it doesn't exist. So how do we fix. Your neighbor could say, hey, Dawson, your tree's growing over into my yard. Can we prune the branches a little bit? And then you can go, well, okay, can I come over and have access to your property? Do you. Do you want to split the cost of an arborist coming over, like, there's something to have? But if they go, your leprechaun's on my roof every night, then there's what? Then you know, you're fucking Nuts. Shut the fuck up. I'm not talking to you anymore. Because that's not a fixable problem. Because it doesn't exist. And these people are grievance people.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

What's going on with Hamas? Well, Hamas is just shooting people in the street. Okay. Did you want this conflict to end or not? They don't. People keep. I've been screaming this, top of the hill, now let's talk top of the mountain. People are like, we gave them what they wanted. We gave them what. They're grievance people. They don't want anything, but they can't. Your neighbor can't go, I'm a nutty grievance person. Your neighbor has to keep complaining about shit. But they're grievance people.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

So that's what they are. That's what they are with the border. That's what they are. The Hamas, the gay rights, Palestinian, you know, antifa, whatever, fucking trans rights. They're grieving grievance. And what you do with grievance people is you go, shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's it.

[D]

Yeah. We have never been closer to actually freeing Palestine than we are today.

[A]

They don't give a.

[D]

But they're doubling down because they're grievance people. And here's the interesting thing. You talked about the neighbor with the leprechaun on the roof. Here's the interesting part. They've convinced millions and millions of people that there is a leprechaun on your roof.

[A]

Yes. That's the crazy part. They've convinced half the country and most of Europe that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man. So they can pull anything off. The leprechaun on the roof is light lifting compared to convincing people that my son can be my daughter, my daughter can be my son, that once you pull that off, you can pull anything off. I had a crazy neighbor. She kept coming to me with everything. She was nuts. I tried to play nice for, like, a long period of time, and she had things that were, like, insane. Just insane. And grievances that were insane. And at a certain point, I just went, hey, fuck off. Fuck off. Leave me alone. Right? And she left. And she'd see me get out of the car, and before she'd walk toward me, now she'd go back in her house because I just told her, fuck off. You're fucking nuts. At a certain point, I was like, I've determined you're nuts. I'm not gonna listen to you anymore, so fuck off and don't Talk to me, right? And that was it. I never spoke to her again. And with the grievance people, that's all you got. So all you got. When they go, don't put a sombrero on top of Chuck. Yes, another sombrero, right? That's all you can do. That's where we're at. That's all that works. And then they don't like it. They're like, why do I have a neighbor tells me to fuck off? Because you bothered him with the fucking leprechauns for so long, he now told you to fuck off. Did he want to have this relationship with his neighbor? No, he did not. But eventually he reaches saturation point. And now he just put a sombrero on your leprechaun.

[D]

There you go. That needs to be the new meme. We need some bros on leprechauns.

[A]

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[D]

Try Huel with 15% off for new customers today by using our code [e-mail] Adam15. Fuel your performance with Huell today.

[A]

Chime. Ever notice how managing your money feels? Like trying to swim upstream while your bank is standing on the shore throwing rocks at you. Overdraft fees, late fees, maintenance fees, which is code for we just took your money because we could. Yeah, I've been there. Back in the day especially, I could have really used something like Chime. Chime actually gets it. Every dollar counts. When you set up direct deposit, you can get paid up to two days early. Also, you can get fee free overdraft coverage up to 200 bucks on debt purchases and cash withdrawals. So instead of your bank slapping your wrist Chime, they got your back. Yeah, it's better than a slap on the wrist. No monthly fees, no maintenance FEES and over 47,000 fee free ATMs. That's more than the top three national banks together. Try finding one of those when you're out on the road. I like how it just simplifies everything. You can see your balance real time. Get alerts instantly and talk to someone when you need them. It's banking done, right? It's Chime. Right, Dawson?

[D]

Make everyday purchases count with Chime secured credit builder Visa credit card. Get started [e-mail] Adam Chime feels like progress. It may be time for a land war in Maduro's Venezuela. Now what's wonderful about this and interesting about this is I believe that remember when we had the whistle whistleblower Gary Bernson in with Ralph Pizzulo in the book Stolen Elections? Those things are starting to come around. Yes, I believe that there has been an indictment on Smartmatic already and just a month ago Newsmax settled a lawsuit with Smartmatic and they had all this information. So I don't get that. Anyway, whatever. Apparently Nicolas Maduro, who according to the whistleblower fixed Venezuela's election and got elected.

[A]

That way, fixed it. Not like repaired it.

[D]

But no, no, yeah, yeah, the fix was in, right? So if he is indeed a big part of this cartel del Sol, which underneath that is the trend nicua and a global election fixing and drug. Whatever the word is, selling drugs, bringing drugs across the nation. Anyway, Maduro apparently pulled out a just a new. A new trump card and said, look, United States, you can have everything you want in our country. You can have our oil, you can have our minerals. We will play ball with you. Just don't attack us. Here's what Trump said.

[A]

Around the world. I'll say that it has been reported.

[D]

That Maduro offered everything in his country, all the natural resources.

[A]

He even recorded a message to you in English recently offering mediation. What should we do in order to stop that? He has offered everything. He's offered everything. You're right. You know why? Because he doesn't want to fuck around with the United States. Thank you everybody.

[D]

Thank you everybody.

[A]

Goodbye. Because the disease started in China.

[D]

China.

[A]

And fuck around with the United States. Listen everyone. Maduro, the good folks of the Middle East, Hamas terrorist organizations and my old crazy neighbor, they only understand one thing. Fuck off. Punch in the mouth. Now I don't like that society. I would like if everyone was the Netherlands or everyone was Canada, but they're not. And I wish every neighbor was. My cool neighbor, right? I had Vince Vaughn as a neighbor. Look, I live right next door to me. That was cool. But when you get the bad neighbor, this is the only language they speak. And this notion of like, we're going to appease them and we're going to make good with them, they only understand a fist. And it's sad that that's the only thing everybody, the entire Middle east is that way. They only understand a fucking bunker buster. That's all they understand.

[D]

They still don't understand it, apparent, because Hamas is still holding back some, I guess, some hostage bodies and still not disarming. So by the time this airs, they may get blown up again, you know, and people are.

[A]

Again, whether it's the neighbor or the bunker buster, people like, why do you have to do that? I don't want to do that. I wish we didn't do it. There are many neighbors in many neighboring countries. We don't have to do it, right? And then they're the ones that you do. And that's where we come in. And that's not where Biden comes in and it's not where Kamala Harris comes in. Because they're soft and they're weak and they're fucking idiots.

[D]

Biden's four letter word, right?

[A]

This. Don't. Just. Just don't.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Don't deliver a nuclear problem. Don't. Okay, that doesn't. These people see those. They see Biden, they see Kamala Harris, they see weakness, and they do whatever.

[D]

The fuck they want.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

If Trump was Hitler, by the way, why not have a puppet regime in Venezuela and we get everything. Okay, crooked guy, you can stay there. We'll take all your stuff, you'll be our puppet and let's move on. No, he wants Venezuela to succeed for the people of Venezuela also. In the meantime, it's going to help everybody.

[A]

All this stuff too is like, remember during his first term, he said, I'm gonna move the embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, I believe. And everyone went, you're gonna start World War iii. You're gonna set the middle age, and then it's done. And nothing happened. So shut the fuck up. Everything is, here's what's gonna happen. And nothing ever happened, right? Well, if you open the schools, your kid goes, and then he comes back and then he's infected and then he gives it to Nana and then happens. Nothing ever happens. That you say is going to happen, so shut the fuck up.

[D]

Well, if we sign this clean resolution to keep the government open, tens of millions of people are going to die.

[A]

Tens of millions.

[D]

And then when they reopen the government, let's. Let's look forward and let's see how many people have died. I want it. I want. I want everyone held accountable for the stupid things they say.

[A]

Nothing ever happens. All right. You got one more?

[D]

I do. Zoran Mandami was targeted. They had a New York mayoral race debate and then some. Top moments here. Mandami appeared to backtrack on his position about Hamas laying down their arms, saying, of course I believe that they should lay down their arms. Previously didn't say that.

[A]

All right. Tons of backtracking. Right. So again, whether it's Mondame or whether it's Kamala Harris, you really have to think about it. You go, all right, Kamala Harris, you wanna run for president? Yeah. What about that thing where you wanted to pay for illegals who were in prison to transition sexually? Oh, yeah. I'm not down with that anymore. Yeah, you were. I think you were 56 when you said that, right? Yeah. Yeah, that was the old me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it's been 18 months. You're 57 and a half now. Yeah, yeah. No, no, not anymore. And what about fracking? Yeah. No, not down with that. Oh, then what about defunding the police, Zoran? Oh, yeah, no, that was. That was the old me.

[D]

Right.

[A]

That was 14 months ago also.

[D]

Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

Why are we voting for people that are running away from shit they said all the time? Hey, Adam.

[D]

Yeah?

[A]

The whole left turn arrow thing. Yeah. Should be blinking orange. Yeah. You still with. Yes, I'm 1000% with that. What next? What's the next question? What about what to do with the graffiti promise? I'm 100% with every fucking thing I've ever fucking said in the last 25 years. Okay. Are we good, or am I running away from all the shit I said? If you're running away from all the shit you said, maybe we don't need you in that position, and maybe that's the way you think.

[D]

Who will say anything to get elected?

[A]

Also, I would argue that's kind of where you're at. You're running away from your bad ideas because you think they're gonna hurt. But if they're your ideas and they're good ideas, then why are you running away from that?

[D]

Right?

[A]

I don't. It should be very suspicious when people run away from their own adult ideas.

[D]

It should be, but it's not, because people are morons.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Cuomo also attacked Mondommi's thin resume, saying he has no experiences. This is not a job for someone who has no management experience to run around 300,000 people, no financial experience, to run $115 million billion dollars budget. He said he never had a job on his resume. He says he interned for his mother. That was his job.

[A]

By the way, his dad's more radical than he is. I say this all the time. I mean, I know Soros kid and money and stuff like that. What happened to rebelling against your parents? I don't do anything. My parents did. And I don't think. And, like, if someone said, oh, what about your mom? Politically, I'd go, that crackpot. Don't listen to that bitch. She don't know what the fuck she's talking about. What happened? Why is everyone just doing what their fucking parents are doing? I mean, actually, they don't. On the right. On the right, the kids rebel. But on the left, like, Tim Walls fucking daughter's nuttier than he is. You know what I mean? Like, what. What's with all the nutty kids? You're supposed to be. You're supposed to be rebelling against your parents and their stupid fucking ideas.

[D]

Right?

[A]

And they do it on the right side of the aisle all the time, but on the left, they never. I mean, I guess Chelsea Clinton wants to get paid. Like, I guess it's just about money or something. I feel like on the right, the Republicans have kids that rebel. Mm. The laughter. Kids never rebel. Why not?

[D]

You know, I think Tim Walls son is probably. I think he is kind of a rebeller.

[A]

Oh, they have. He has a son.

[D]

He has a. He has a son that stays out of the spotlight. But he was. He was talking in an interview before the election, and his son was explaining. He was explaining how kids his age love Donald Trump. Oh, but he didn't. He went. He went as. As far as to say, I understand. Not my son.

[A]

Yeah, he's right.

[D]

Like, not him.

[A]

So code. That's why.

[D]

So I think that guy is. Is rebelling. But what do you think is going to happen in New York? I think the tide is turning. I honestly do. I do not believe that New York will elect.

[A]

Oh, really? Well, look, he's heavily favored, I can tell you. So a couple things. First off, I like, during the debate, Mondami was trying to bust Cuomo because he hadn't been to a mosque.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, when you've been to. I've been to a mosque. You've been in a mosque. You've been senior to mosque. Who gives a fuck? This is the United States. You don't go to fucking mosque.

[D]

The answer to I can name St. Patrick's Cathedral. Shut the fuck up.

[A]

Right? That's the answer. The answer again. It's my. You're so out of touch, you don't even know what a gallon of milk costs. Yeah, I'm not at the fucking Lucky's all day buying fucking milk. I'm not buying leche for the kids. I'm doing shit right? So fuck off. I work real hard and then I pay someone to do that. Yes. I have no fucking idea. Because it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is the cost of gas. That's too expensive. Cause that fucks up a lot of poor people. But I love that he's trying to bust them on the mosque. The answer is I don't know. Because who gives a fuck?

[D]

I'm not a Muslim.

[A]

Because we're not.

[D]

Why do I need it?

[A]

Yeah, and I'm not. I'm not like you're going to fucking brown nose everyone to try to get a vote.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

So there was that. The other one is the free bus ride. I love it when. I love it when these guys, the socialists, like, crunch the numbers. Like, we've done a study, by the way. I love their studies. You know, the Southern Poverty Law center says. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, they say, right? They say, turning point, USA, PragerUS hate group or whatever. Yeah, okay, you've done your homework. All right, thank you for doing that. Where studies show that free bus rides end up in safer, cleaner, less. Yeah, free. Everything is a shit show. Free bus rides. But okay, it's $2 to ride the fucking bus in these modern times, like almost free. It's close to what's. I'm sorry, we live in a society where $2 is now ostensibly free. Like, $2 is not something. And they go, that's for you. But what about the fucking. The person who pays the two bucks, the poor person walks up with a $7 Starbucks in their fucking hand. So don't give me that. They don't have a fucking enough money. How does this even factor in? Like, who. Who in modern times can go to work and live in Manhattan or work in Manhattan at least. And $2 is a fucking. That's the barrier to entry for you getting into Manhattan or whatever. What the fuck are you talking about? And you have no idea what making shit free does. It's like, every public housing project's a shitbox because there's no pride of ownership. I used to tell people when Drew and I would do the colleges, it would be like student union, and about 3,000 people show up. I go, are you charging? And they'd go, oh, no, no, it's free for the student unit. I go, just charge $1. Charge $1 for a ticket. And they go, wow. But it's free for the student. I go, no, no, you have skin in the game. It's free. And people fucking start talking on their phone and they leave halfway into it. It's just charge them a fucking dollar. Make them feel involved.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Oh, you have Zoran's MOS clip. I love that he's trying to bust him. When's the last time you put on an explosive vest, huh?

[E]

For him to set foot in a mosque? He had more than 10 years, and he couldn't name a single mosque at the last debate we had that he visited. And what Muslims want in this city is what every community wants and deserves. They want equality and they want respect. And it took me to get you to even see those Muslims as part of this city. And that, frankly, is something that is shameful and is why so many New Yorkers have lost faith in this politics.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I worked with the Muslim community.

[E]

Many. Name a single mosque you went to.

[A]

When you were the governor.

[E]

Can you name a single mosque you went to in 10 years ever? Here they were before I was here.

[D]

SLI was just. Just sitting there in the middle like these two fucking idiots. By the way, did you see this? This may. This may be. This. This woman may be on the remount Rushmore. Chuck, put that back up again. On the Mount Rushmore of.

[A]

Sign language.

[D]

Sign language interpreters. Roch where he says, shameless to set.

[E]

Foot in a mosque. He had more than 10 years, and he couldn't. At the last debate we had that he visited community wants.

[A]

And she thought she was like a.

[E]

Black picnic when she did it to get you.

[A]

I think between this and Covid and the mandatory sign language, I now think I understand sign. I think just sort of through osmosis, it's pretty easy. I think I get it. A lot of it is. A lot of sign is just like, come on now. Like, we all speak a little bit of sign language. Everyone's. Everyone who has a dog speaks some sign language. Because with your dog, it's always like, you know, the dog's like, all right.

[D]

Like, you.

[A]

You get it?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But once again, my dog knows that this Means sit. Yeah, they have the closed caption stuff. And for people who don't know, once there's a close, I can hit a button on my TV and just turn the sound down and read everything. But the answer is American Sign is its own language, which is retarded and bullshit. And if you're. If you're deaf, nobody's a better reader than you because you spent your whole life reading subtitles and captions and stuff like that.

[D]

But what about that one person?

[A]

What about the one person speaks American Sign is a language? And it would be a slap in the face to these people if we did not have American Sign. Even though evidently a more accurate representation of what's going on would be the transcript. All right, Dawson, good job. Erica Rhodes out there. Hit the booth. We'll be right back after this. Mack Weldon. You know, I love this time of year. Fall hits la, airs, cooler grills. Going football on tv. So much better. Couple of parties on the calendar, maybe some travel. It's that sweet spot before the holidays blow up the schedule. And yeah, this is when you realize most your old clothes look like they've been through a roofing job. That's where Mack Weldon comes in. These guys nailed it with their Ace collection. It's like the sweatpants I live in, only they don't make you look like you just came off a job site. The fit, spot on fabric. Soft, but still holds the shape. Feels good, looks good. It's the stuff you can wear and not feel like you gave up. I wear their Ace crewneck and sweats when I'm heading to the studio or just hanging around the house. The stuff looks good, but it's super comfortable. It's a perfect combination. Comfort meets confidence. Mack Weldon.

[D]

Right, Dawson, Fall into comfort with Mack Weldon's Ace collection. Go to mackweldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Adam. That's M, A C K W-E-L--O-N.com promo code Adam.

[A]

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[D]

It'S time to check Adam's voicemail.

[A]

Ace, this is Apple in Tucson, Arizona. Listen, I heard your show the other day and you were talking about the misuse of the word literally. Well, I was literally in a meeting the other day with someone who said that they worked for other companies and in other offices. And the man actually said, I've been in offices where they literally suck. They literally suck. You're giving fellatio in the office. I'd like to work there. Get it on.

[D]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[A]

Erica Rhodes is back in studio. She's got dates coming up. She's a very funny standup comedian. I've seen her in the flesh perform many times. Literally in the flesh. She'll be at the New York City Comedy Festival. That's coming up middle of Novemb. I was just out there in Pottstown November 19th. That's a fun place. Buffalo. I'm laughing. Cause Soul. Have you been to Soul Joel's?

[C]

Not yet.

[A]

No. I was just there. I was there last weekend.

[C]

And you had fun?

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's a fun place. It's a facility that has a comedy theater or club in it, but also has a ballroom and they rent it out and they have events there constantly. And so the last time I was there, a year ago, I was there and there was a Journey cover band there. And then this time on Friday, there was a Special Needs Persons Halloween Ball.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So they were dancing.

[A]

They were dressed up like pumpkins and Charlie Brown and stuff. They were like kids that were dancing. And then.

[C]

And then you followed that or it was just the same weekend?

[A]

No, no. I'm trying to explain.

[C]

Okay. Sorry.

[A]

There is a facility where there's a club within. This is why I speak deliberately. But no one ever knows what I'm talking about. It's a facility where There's a ballroom, but there's a club within in the facility.

[C]

Got it. Got it.

[A]

That's why I said it that way, because otherwise it'd be confusing if I just went, sol, Joel's has a Journey band there.

[C]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. They have venues within the facility.

[C]

But it's not loud. It's not like.

[A]

The Journey band was good and loud and, like, one hallway over, but you couldn't hear it from me being on stage. And then Saturday, luckily, you didn't have.

[C]

The same fan base, right?

[A]

No, no. My. My. My fan base likes REO Speedwagon cover bands, but not Journey cover bands. You understand?

[C]

They have taste.

[A]

Yeah. Something called dignity. So then Saturday. So Friday was the special needs pumpkin prom. And then. You want to talk about Wranglers, man, those kids are running around and they're fucking people chasing them all over the place because they could, like, start a fire.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then Saturday was a couple that was married for 50 years.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How old were they?

[A]

I never saw the actual couple. I would hear. I would walk by the ballroom and I'd hear, like, you know, Nancy and Ted met during Vietnam, you know, when Ted was the first year. Like, whatever, but. And I knew what it was, but all I heard was speeches and, like, Guy Lombardo songs being played. But I didn't actually see the couple. They've been married for 50 years. So, you know.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

But, you know, theoretically, back then, people got married when they're 22. You know what I mean? You don't have to be that old.

[C]

I mean, a lot of people in small towns still. Do they still get married at 22?

[A]

Oh, yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How'd you avoid that? I can't believe someone didn't pluck you up.

[C]

I had a boyfriend when I was. He was the only guy I ever lived with, and he was awesome. He was great. But it just. Yeah, I think it just. I just felt too young to settle down at that point. Like, I knew I was too young. Cause when we moved in together, I had, like, a little room to myself just for pretty much my stuff. And I got bunk beds.

[A]

You got bunk beds?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you didn't have to sleep in the same.

[C]

No, I just thought it'd be, like, that's how immature I was at the time. I thought I was still, like, attached to childlike things, you know? So we went to ikea, and I got bunk beds for my room as if I was still a child.

[A]

But for the main room, you shared a bed?

[C]

Yeah, we shared a Bed. And I never actually slept in my room, so it was basically just a place to put my stuff. But it's still like the inclination to get bunk beds is, you know, you're not ready to get married.

[A]

I had my first apartment. I had a one bedroom and I had one and sometimes two male roommates. And one of them, I just. We slept on the same futon on the floor.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

In the one bedroom. And then later on, we did elevate our game to bunk beds.

[C]

Really?

[A]

At a certain point, yeah.

[C]

Where was this?

[A]

North Hollywood.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I had a bunk bed. I was an adult dude living on a bunk bed.

[C]

That's so crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was a sign. I wasn't really ready to commit.

[A]

And this guy got a lot of pussy, you know, and I didn't.

[C]

Did he come, did he bring the girl to the bunk bed?

[A]

He would do his action out on the living room on the fold out sofa. But if you want to know who's getting the upper bunk, it's the guy who gets the least pussy.

[C]

That's fair.

[A]

You have to think. You have to think like practically, you know what I mean?

[C]

Because, yeah, if he needs to use the bottom bunk, he can.

[A]

Yeah. The guy who gets the most pussy gets the bottom bunk. That's how it works. And the guy gets sporadic pussy, gets the top bunk. And every once in a while you gotta negotiate with one of those big gals, getting them up there.

[C]

Did you ever bring a girl to your top bunk?

[A]

I think I used a bottom bunk if I got a girl. But I did build a lot of lofts. I would build lofts.

[C]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

In my room, in people's rooms. Because I was a carpenter and nobody had any space like my rooms in our rented houses or apartments. Rented houses were like so small that I would put. I build a loft and I put the bed up top and then put the desk or something underneath so I had some room. Cause we just put the bed on the floor. The room was all taken up by the bed.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And I would attempt to get a lady friend or two.

[C]

Up to the two or two.

[A]

Well, not at the same time, but up to the top. Yeah, that was a difficult.

[C]

Oh, my God. I remember. I remember meeting a guy in New York once who was. I thought he was like a rock, rock star guy, but he turned out not to be. But he brought me back to his place and it was like 10 guys. There were like 10 bunk beds next to each other and they were like Fall. It was like, you're bringing me back here. So then I was like, no, we're going to my place. And then we took the train all the way to the Upper west side to my place. And by the time I got there, I was like, I'm over this.

[A]

Yeah, you're so good.

[C]

Why did I even bring him?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had that with a stripper once.

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

By the time we got to her place and a roommate was eating cereal in the kitchen when the sun came up and it was just like everyone got sober. I was like standing out front and neighbors were getting their newspapers and stuff. And I'd been up all night and I was just like, oh my God, it had worn off.

[C]

Yeah. This guy had told me that he was a Native Americans professor. He told me that he was a college professor this whole night.

[A]

Hi, how are ya? Hi, how are ya?

[C]

And the whole story was like, oh, he's an intellectual. You know, he's cultured and everything. And then by the time he got to my place, I totally lost interest. I fake pretended to fall asleep. Like, I pretended I was asleep. Then he woke up in the morning and he's like, what are you doing today? And I was like, I'm gonna write and go to yog. He's like, oh, you're such a nerd. And then I was like, fire, water.

[A]

See where the day takes us.

[C]

I was like, get out of my apartment. So he gets out of my apartment. And then I decided to go shopping. I go to H and M. There's this huge billboard. He's on it.

[A]

He's on it.

[C]

He was on it. And he was like an underwear model for H and M. You turned your.

[A]

Back on an H and M underwear model?

[C]

I couldn't believe it. Cause the whole night he was like, I'm a Native American professor.

[A]

Why didn't he lead with underwear model?

[C]

I don't know. That would have been probably better, you know, Cuz he was a lanky model.

[A]

Like, guy, Are you with me? You know what? I'm gonna pitch this to RFK Jr because he's worried a lot about weight and obesity and diabetes and all that stuff. Yeah, you played his benefit. I played his benefit.

[C]

He was a nice guy. He called me after.

[A]

He called me after too.

[C]

Aw.

[D]

Yeah, you should have said, I'm literally going to pitch this.

[A]

I'm literally going to pitch this.

[C]

I'm literally pitching.

[A]

Yeah, he called me.

[C]

Aw.

[A]

He was like, do you have Erica's number? I was like, no. And he's like, okay, and he hung up. And then he called you. I guess he got your number somewhere else.

[C]

He called me right after.

[A]

No, he called me and we had a nice chat. He's very friendly.

[C]

He is a nice guy.

[A]

All right. He wants to get the dyes out of the food and get all the corn syrup and all the bad oils, seed oils and everything. How about this policy? Cuz he's really just going, look, we're gonna make some policy here that's gonna make America look better. Trimmer back to your underpants model.

[C]

Yeah, I knew it was leading back to that.

[A]

I say that the picture of the model on the box has to be commensurate with the size of the underpants you're buying.

[C]

Right.

[A]

I went to go. I was on the road. I don't remember where, Bay Area somewhere. And I had a Saturday. You know, you have your day free when you're on the road. And I was like, I'm gonna do a little shopping for underwear. And I, like, walked over to Found a Target or something. And I was just perusing around, like, I need some midway underwear. And I saw the box, but it starts with, you know, waist like 26 to 30 or something. It's got this guy looks like a gymnast in his underpants, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it's, oh, well, this is 30 to 36. And I'm like, oh, okay, same guy.

[C]

Same guy.

[A]

I got up to like 54 with infinity sign. Like, literally they made a box, it was like, this goes 54 plus, same dude.

[C]

Yeah, that doesn't make. That doesn't matter.

[A]

Should have a fat dude. And then you would have to go.

[C]

That'S what I look like, man.

[A]

I gotta take it easy. I gotta really change my ways if this is me, like, yeah, just a big fat slob in his.

[C]

Really good point.

[A]

You gotta go, whoa. Like, it's gut. Literally, gut check time.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Gut check time. And this is what I look like. And the walk of shame to the cash register, because it's like, oh, man, look at this guy. That's what he looks like in his underpants. Right? And it's a shame. It's a shame. And then you get home and your old lady's like, oh, I made fish and chips for dinner. And you're like, I'm just gonna have a kale salad, okay. And you put the underwear box next to you on the table and you just eat that kale. Don't you think that'd be impactful?

[C]

I think so, But I do think they do that with plus sized. Like plus sized models will model the underwear.

[A]

They do it with women.

[C]

With women, they'll be a plus. And they're right. They even do with mannequins now.

[A]

Well, plus. What they do with plus size now is plus size puts you as a woman into a handicap sort of bin. So, like, they'll have to have a model in a wheelchair and a plus size model. Because for women, we consider that like. Like a special needs kind of handicap. It's no different than like. Like, you go look. I go, look, I'm getting some models together. I want 10 hot white blonde chicks. Someone go, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[D]

Hold on.

[A]

You gotta have a little representation. We need a black woman. I go, all right, good. Nine hot blonde chicks and one skinny hot black chick. No, no, no, no, no.

[C]

We need.

[A]

They don't do that with men. No, one goes, we need one fat guy. And what's Artie Lang doing? He should walk the Runway like, in his underpants. No, I don't want that fucking slob in my shit. What?

[C]

I've never. You're right. I've never seen a plus size guy model.

[A]

You could go in a Target. You could go to like a big and tall place and probably see something. But women, the photograph, it's always the hefty, proud chick who's like, you know, fat and black and sad. Yes. Body positive and all that retarded shit that. The body positive person that no one wants to fucking. Yes. It's Lizza from four years ago. Okay, great strides. But they don't put a fat guy on there. And the underpants model, I mean, when I was a kid, we lived in America where it's like, what size underpants? What's our range? Medium and small. Yeah, that's all we got. We didn't have 54 plus. Like we're having to accommodate are grotesquely fat America now. Yeah, same picture, six different boxes. As I climb the ladder, like 4 inches or 6 inches of waist at a time. I started at the bottom and just went all the way up. And I was like, same model.

[C]

Women won't do that is ridiculous. That's very lazy on their part. They should change the model.

[A]

I think if they did it with men, and it would kind of point out the absurdity of it. And people go, what's that slob doing on there?

[C]

It'd be like, yeah, I have to buy that one.

[A]

Yeah, like the fat guy, the fat dumb guy from Idiocracy. The guy who was like, in the White House. The dumb fat guy. That's the guy who should be on the box of these things. And. Yeah. No fat guy representation.

[C]

Yeah, there isn't. I've never seen a fat guy mannequin.

[A]

When Kim Kardashian rolls out some Spanx something, she to have a couple of fatties in there to represent, but it doesn't. Calvin Klein men's underwear doesn't have a fatty. They just have Marky Mark in there. Right.

[C]

I've never seen that. That's a really good point.

[A]

Gotta write that down.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Let me tell you. Right. We good?

[C]

All right.

[A]

Let me tell you about bathroom etiquette. Can I do that?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

I realized. So I implemented something around here that has worked like a charm. Like a charm.

[C]

What is it?

[A]

And it also goes to show that you can implement things and they can be obeyed, and things work, and then there's order and people like it, and it's fun. I realize that in workplaces you have a limited amount of bathroom stalls.

[C]

Right.

[A]

This building has two bathrooms and may have eight or 10 people working in it at any given time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And lots of coffee being consumed here too.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

As I'm doing it right now. Yes. So I realize that people make bad decisions, which is they leave the bathroom. When people leave the bathroom, they close the door shut.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Which is retarded. But many people do it. So I don't judge. Even though I do judge because, like, how many times you've been to a party and you go, where's the bathroom? And they go, it's down at the hall. Into the hall. And then you go there, and the door's closed. And it's a crowded party, you know, so you go, someone's in there. You know, I'm just gonna.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you just stand there for a while and you go, let the person. You know, because no one wants the excuse you. You know, Nobody wants that. Nobody wants that person to open the bathroom. And you'd be standing there after you just knocked. So you'll just go stand and like, sometimes I'll go, you know what? I'm just not gonna stand by the door with my arms full. Because then the person walks out. It's gonna look weird. Yeah.

[C]

Awkward.

[A]

So I'll just sort of make my way back toward the party, but I'll just be looking down the hall. And then a certain point, 10 minutes goes by, and then you go, wait a minute. And then you knock. And no one. And then someone just closed. Pulled the door shut behind them.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Fucking stupid.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, so the policy here is. Joey, New guy Joey. I hope you're listening. Policy here is when the door is shut to the bathroom, somebody is in the bathroom and using the bathroom 100%. There's no if, ands or buts. If that thing is latched shut, you don't have to check and see if it's locked. And by the way, when you're in it, you don't need to lock it. You could flop down on the toilet, take your pants off. No one's walking in. If the door is shut and latched shut. If the door is wide open, walk right in.

[C]

Right.

[A]

If the door is propped open about 6 or 8 inches, enter at your own risk.

[C]

Perfect. That seems logical.

[A]

So I started noticing a door shut, and I'm like, I've never seen it. Now, the only time it happens here is when a guest is. Shows up, use the bathroom, and then Dr. Phil pulls the door shut, and then he leaves and he gets his car. But now we get screwed because we all obey the orders. So then I end up standing and looking at the door for two hours because it's shut. Now. That's the only time it happened. But it's been happening and I've been noticing it. And I thought, what's going on around here? So then I said, new guy Joey. Yeah. I goes, anyone explained to you the bathroom etiquette laws around here? And he goes, nope. I go, you're fucking fired, bro. And so he's gone. I know you don't think it's his fault, but someone's gotta be fired.

[D]

Somebody.

[A]

And my sister's not here today, so he's down the road. But I said, those are the rules. And by the way, everyone implement that in your home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Implement it at the party, Implement it at work. Implement, and you'll never have confusion. You will. In years of these two bathrooms here and people buzzing around, no one's ever walked in on anyone in the bathroom. No one has ever grabbed the door and done the knock, knock. Because once you know the rules, the rules are simple, easy, and there's never any confusion. What do you think?

[C]

I think it sounds very logical. I would. You could write a note on the door with the rules for people that come in who don't know it. You know, like, please leave the door open if you're not using it.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

You know, something very simple that someone could read. Rules of this bathroom.

[A]

I put a plaque up over my urinal sink in one of the bathrooms.

[C]

How's your urinal going? It's not Good.

[A]

Uh, this thing. I think this thing comes from China. I don't know.

[C]

Did you order it on Amazon?

[A]

I had to order it on Amazon. I had to have it sent to Nevada. Cause they're illegal here.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then I had it sent to Mayhem.

[C]

It's illegal to put in your own urinal.

[A]

Okay, so California.

[C]

What?

[A]

By the way, when you live in California.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You literally like when people go, I know Jane Fonda wishes there was more regulation in California, but when you live in California. And you go, you talk to guys, right? And they go, we manufacture custom stairs and railings for office buildings, and we're out of Muncie, Indiana. Right? And then they go, now you want to do a glass railing? And you go, yeah, yeah, I do. I do. And they go, well, you could do the tempered glass or you could do the laminated glass. And then you go, which one's cheaper? And they go, the laminated's a lot cheaper. And they go, okay, let's do the laminated glass. And they go, what state are you in? And you go, california. They go, oh, we can't ship to California.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then you go, but you could do the laminate glass in, like, Nevada and Oregon and New York and. Yeah, yeah, just not California.

[C]

Why?

[A]

We have rules. We have rules here.

[C]

These are dumb rules.

[A]

You can't get a ventless or flueless fireplace. Like, there's gas fireplaces that you don't need a chimney for.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not shipped to California.

[C]

That's insane.

[A]

People have no idea how many rules California has.

[C]

Yeah, it's really.

[A]

This urinal won't ship to California. I don't know why they want to save water in California. Whatever. And it doesn't always have to be something. It can be like, the company that makes the urinals is not unionized. And so we won't take products from non unionized, whatever the fuck it is. It's just one more rule. So I sent it to Mayhem Miller's dad, who lives in Nevada.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And then Rudy, who lives in Nevada, put it in the back of his truck and brought it over here, and it's not working.

[C]

Last time I was here, you were like, it's not really working.

[A]

Well, then we mounted it. We mounted it too low and it didn't drain.

[C]

Yeah, that was the problem.

[A]

Then we pulled it off the wall and raised it, and it did work. But they don't give you any mounting brackets. There is no holes for mounting or hooks for mounting or there's nothing for mounting it's like just taking this giant porcelain thing and. And we tried to silicone it and we wired it up to stay. And then when we removed the wire, it started peeling off the wall.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So then the third mounting was. I went down to Home Depot and we put a two by four in the wall. I went down to Home Depot, bought a L bracket, bent it so it hung hooked under a clip in the. Not a clip, a rail in the back or whatever. I made a makeshift mounting system for it. We mounted it, but I put a sign over it because you pee in the urinal. And then you turn on the faucet to wash your hands and the water from the sink washes it down. Now it works, but because Chinese hate us, the faucet they give you with, when you turn it on full, it sprays out and hits you.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It hits you right in the nards.

[C]

This isn't worth it.

[A]

It hits you right in the nard sack. So I made a sign that said, gently, lift handle.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I originally said, lift, handle gently, but then I realized gently was the last word and by then people would have a wet crotch. So I did gently lift. I lift. Oh, shit. Before they got to gently.

[C]

People think it's harder to be a woman, but man, no, man, I wouldn't do any of this shit.

[A]

This is a man's I. Now we got it. We patched a wall. We'll put the picture [e-mail] the sign's up. And all we have to do is do a little sand and paint on the wall. Where? The old urinal. We had to bust in the drywall a little bit.

[C]

Wow. It is hard to be a white man.

[A]

It's hard to be a white man in this nation.

[C]

This is so hard.

[A]

Let me ask you this.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I don't know if you. I got a Thai massage.

[C]

Oh, I do that a lot.

[A]

You do it a lot?

[C]

I do it a lot.

[A]

You do it a lot.

[C]

Gotta go somewhere good, though.

[A]

First off, in the pantheon of people who get paid pay, these bitches, they're working their ass off.

[C]

They're so good.

[A]

They're so good.

[C]

Did she step on you? Walk on you?

[A]

She did the knees on my back. At a certain point, I actually made the sound a dog makes when you step on their tail. You know, like a little. Like a whimper, Like a. Woo.

[D]

Aw.

[C]

Yeah, it's so cute.

[A]

They climb on you. They put their knees. And I was laying there and I was like. As she was stepping, she's Climbing on top of me and ramming her knees in my vertebrae. And I was thinking, I thought, I'm kind of used to the Swedish massage where they just kind of oil you up and stroke you and relax you. And you listen to Enya. This is not that. But I was laying there yesterday and she's putting her knee into the small of my back and I thought, how would I describe a Thai massage to someone who hasn't had a Thai massage? And I thought I would describe it this way. If I said to somebody, you see that corpse over there? If you can get that corpse to fart, I will give you $1 million. In which case you would jump onto that corpse and just start doing what they did to me. You wouldn't like stroke its arm or anything. You wouldn't work its scalp like they do with the Swedish. You just start ramming knees into abdomens and shit. And that's essentially what the Thai massage is. It's a million dollar bounty on a corpse. Farting. I know it's been said.

[C]

Did you end up farting or no?

[A]

No, because I was alive and I was able to control my bowels.

[C]

I like them because they are very firm. The worst thing to me is a gentle massage where they do it and you're like, I don't really feel this at all. But they do not hold back. No, it is really good and they actually get the knots out. Whereas Swedish massage, you're like, I feel the same.

[A]

Well, the Swedish massage is just there to relax.

[C]

Yeah, but it doesn't relax me if they're not doing something.

[A]

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[D]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[A]

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[A]

The worst thing ever invented other than like in the hey, this sounds good department, but really sucks. The number one thing that sounds good, that's done the most damage is passion fruit iced tea. Like, it sounds good, but it sucks and nobody wants it. But the second one is the couple's massage. Yeah, it sounds good, but it's weird. And I don't know what to do with the couple. And I don't know why you.

[C]

They're romantic.

[A]

There's nothing you can do. They go, I've had it a couple times. I go, we got your couples massage. And I'm like, I don't want a couple's massage. You got a couple's massage. It sounds good, but it's not. The whole massage thing is, I don't wanna see this bitch. I wanna fucking be left alone. And a little rub and tug at the end might not hurt either. You know, like a happy ending. Like, how am I supposed to get the happy with my fiance 4ft away? What the fuck? That's offensive.

[C]

I know. And are you both getting women or does she get a man and you get a woman?

[A]

Well, then it's like she's undressing and a guy comes walking in and he's got the oil. You know, he's fucking rolling with P. Diddy the night before. He's got his baby oil. And you gotta just sit there and watch a digit get dropped on your lady friend.

[C]

And you have. Yeah, you have to. You can't do the dog squeal.

[A]

No. You have to monitor yourself. You can't fart.

[C]

Feel self conscious. No, I don't think that's sexy at all.

[A]

And then what, what are we doing? Because we. We can't engage or interact or anything.

[C]

Yeah. And it's not sensual. You're not doing.

[A]

There's nothing together. And then what if you fart? Like, what if she starts Pushing on you and you fart comes out and I'm turned off.

[C]

It's embarrassing. No, it sounds awful.

[A]

And then I gotta listen to the other guy going, is the pressure good? Is that how you like it? Melanie, Tell me if you have sensitive areas, I can work on the sensitive areas. And you're like listening to this guy. Yeah. What's. Who invented the couple's massage? It just sounds good.

[C]

I don't like anything couples related. Like, I don't like.

[A]

Even miniature golf is like, bitch, go to the other side. I'll be over here. Get away from me. I got to get up. You're a bunk bed lady. Let's get off of this mattress.

[C]

Couples yoga also looks never.

[A]

Is there couples yoga?

[C]

There's couples yoga and it just doesn't look fun at all.

[A]

It's. It's wildly unnecessary.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Isn't couples yoga called intercourse?

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

It should be.

[A]

I don't. I don't get the couple. Yeah.

[C]

Couples yoga. I don't get it. And it looks uncomfortable no matter what they're doing. Like, it doesn't look fun.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's not graceful. It's always like the guy like pushing the woman up, you know, or holding her in the armpits, you know, like in these awkward spots.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It's not. Yeah.

[A]

I. I have done yoga with a girlfriend where you just went down, like to the lobby or the whatever of the hotel you're staying in, and they go, there's a 10am yoga class. And then you and 30 people show up and you get a mat. Even then you don't even need to put your mat next to your girlfri. Cause all you're doing is picking her form apart, you know?

[C]

Yeah. I don't understand most couple things.

[A]

So couples massage. Like, if somebody said to me, would you rather get a full one hour couples massage or we'll do a 20 minute massage, but the bitch not gonna be in the room. I'd go, I'll take the 20 minute. Like it's that distracting and that.

[C]

It's not necessary to do that. Like, but do you. What about doing a massage for a girl? Would you ever give a girl a massage?

[A]

The massage. When guys offer massages.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's usually them trying to get the bra off.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because what the guys do with the massage and the bra is sort of like when guys do infome. You know those infomercials where they go, like, try to get the spaghetti into the colander. That can be a mess, you know, and they show the guy dumping the pot of spaghetti into the colander falls off the sink and flies across the floor like, you can't do it. Well, we got a new pot that's got a colander built into it. The colander, pot, whatever. They intentionally fuck it up. Guys do that with bra straps. Like, oh, man, I wish I could massage you, but I can't negotiate this thing. My hand's getting tanned. Just, like, undone. It's a way to cheat.

[C]

It's a way to see it. Okay.

[A]

Guys feel that. Yeah. When they offer massages, they're really just going, let's get the bra off there.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

That's what they're doing.

[C]

So you should know that sometimes I think some guys are, like, actually good at it.

[A]

They're good at it, but they want something.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's a trade.

[C]

Yeah. For sure. That makes sense.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Unless it's just, like, a shoulder massage. Like, if they just go. And they go, brr.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But even. That's like. Even that when they come up and do the massage. Yeah. You know, they'll start talking. They'll go, I was thinking wings for dinner tonight, babe. What do you think? Thinking wings.

[C]

It looks like you're working on a car.

[A]

My hands are fucked up. They mean something. They want something.

[C]

Yeah. That's the thing.

[A]

That's where the massage comes in.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So don't trust it. But the couple's massage. Worthless, Distracting. Potentially a little weird.

[C]

Yeah. Awkward. Awkward.

[A]

Feels. It feels a little intrusive, like, you don't have kids, right? No, I had kids. They're like, you're gonna want to be there when they're born. I'm like, I'm all right in the waiting room, you know, like, oh, you're gonna want to be there. I'm like, I do. I don't see myself wanting to be there. Oh, it's important.

[C]

Were you there? Kind of. You didn't?

[A]

Okay, here's what they do. Here's what they do. They go, you gotta be there. And then I go, I don't feel like. I don't know. I don't feel like I have to be there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't feel like Winston Churchill's dad was in the room when he was born, but we still got a pretty good leader out of it. Many of the greats were just born with, like, a midwife and a nurse or whatever. There was no dad. The dad was handing out cigars in the lobby. Right. So, no, I don't need to be there. And they're like, it's real important. And I'm like, I don't. First off, important to who? It's not important to me.

[C]

To the woman, maybe.

[A]

I don't know. And then they go.

[C]

Women scream head off.

[A]

They go, you're gonna wanna. You're gonna want to cut that umbilical cord. And I go, no, I don't want to cut the umbilical cord.

[D]

You should have said, nah, I'd like to leave it attached for a while.

[C]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

I go, no, no, I don't want to do that. They go, by the way, I don't want to hang out in any. The operating facility and get involved with the procedure. I don't know.

[C]

Hey, it seems insane.

[A]

We're gonna move this guy's kidney. All right, well, let me.

[E]

Give me that.

[C]

You're gonna watch.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I'm not wearing a mask. I'll just put my shirt up over my face. All right, so where's the kidney?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I just need a few minutes in here. Yeah, no, when you're gonna suture them up, call me. I'd like to do a couple of stitches. I'm not gonna do the whole wound, but I. I'll throw in a couple stitches. Yeah. I'm like, so. People are so insane. So I go, no, I don't want to do the umbilical cord. I don't see it.

[C]

I wish you chills.

[A]

Like, I know you're going to wish. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to wish. I'm going to wish when I'm on my deathbed, I'm going to wish I'd cut more umbilical cords and had more couples massages. Is that what you're. And drank more passion fruit iced tea? Because I don't think that's the way.

[D]

This is going to.

[A]

No. So they go, oh, yeah, you're gonna cut that umbilical cord. And I kept saying, I don't want to. I don't understand the necessity for it. Am I not paying you guys enough to cut the fucking umbilical cord? I get a break. Do you kick something back? So at some point, they get the twin out. I don't remember which one.

[C]

I forgot you had twins.

[A]

Yeah, they put them in a, you know, Pyrex casserole dish. You know, essentially they just put them there.

[C]

Casserole dish.

[A]

That's best I could tell. And there was like, I don't know, a foot of umbilical cord, like, attached. Oh, my God. And I'm like, yeah. And the guy's handing Me. Scissors. Now go. Now cut it.

[C]

I go, oh, that's so terrible.

[A]

I go, cut it. It's already been cut. No, no, I go, oh, it's a ceremonial. Like, you know, when they open a. It seems IKEA, and they just put a ribbon in front of the dirt lot, and I just cut it with the mayor. And now the Mexicans start digging.

[C]

Like, did you do it?

[A]

Yeah. You did? They handed me the scissor. Went like, oh, here. And I almost dropped them on the kit. Like, I could have taken their eye out.

[C]

I think I would faint if someone had me cut, and I think I would.

[A]

No one ever said, it's ceremonial. It's already cut.

[D]

They.

[A]

They just go, you wanna cut the umbilical leading up to it. They say they wanna cut it, but.

[C]

So do you actually cut it? Or you just.

[A]

You do, but it's not attached to anything.

[C]

Oh, my God, that is so weird.

[A]

We're fucking weirdos. I don't need it. You know, I think my kids would get over it. I'll tell you this. I have and had many qualms with Jim, Carolla, my dad.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not cutting the umbilical is not one of them. I got many other qualms.

[C]

Did he not cut it? Cause maybe that's where it all began.

[A]

I couldn't see my dad anywhere near that space.

[C]

Yeah. I can't see my dad. Do I doubt my dad did that? I could not have imagined him doing that. No. No.

[A]

And good, because it's totally unnecessary. Yeah.

[C]

That seems insane.

[A]

We have your clip, by the way, from your morning show that went viral that we talked about last time.

[C]

Yeah. I tried to redeliver it, but it's hard to do it.

[A]

Yeah, but it went viral. Now, where was this?

[C]

This was Chicago.

[A]

And you're doing Good Morning, Chicago or whatever.

[C]

Yeah, Good morning, wgn.

[A]

Yeah. And you fly. You go in in the morning. And the club owner goes, I'll pick you up. I'll send a car, sell a few more tickets, do a hit. They get a big viewership. That's how the game works, Right?

[C]

So this is you, sir, this week, actually.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. And the guy said, I look like JonBenet Ramsey if she were still alive. I was like, you look like the killer. If they'd found him. And we had a fun night of role playing. What are you even doing with that? I think I'll see him again.

[E]

What?

[C]

Hey, you have something to talk about, right?

[A]

And the male guys shooting out there.

[C]

It's out there, right? I thought he was charming so are you.

[A]

That's so funny.

[C]

Give him a minute. So are you now?

[A]

Did that actually happen?

[C]

Yeah, that actually happened. And it was funny because the producer, Jeff was coming over.

[A]

You do kind of look like JonBenet.

[C]

Yeah, it was like my guy friend told me it once but like it thought it would be funnier joke if it was a date.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[C]

So. But yeah, my guy friend sent me a photo of JonBenet and he was like, you should do like you should do a photo, photo shoot with like doing a spoofo. I was like, that's terrible.

[A]

That's terrible.

[C]

So I just changed into that joke. But Jeff Hoover, I think. Yeah, Jeff, the producer of wgn and he was like, just so you know, like Dan is a little serious, you know, so I thought he would be very stoic. And he started out that way and then just lost was a funny quote. It was fun. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I realized? I don't know if you guys have realized this, but people in my experience are now drivers are sort of impervious to high beams. Like when I'm behind you and I go, hey, I flipp the high beams a few times because there's a couple of places. So PCH Pacific Coast highway has a 25 mile an hour zone for a good portion of it. Because all the construction and fires and all that shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

At a certain point it goes from 25 to 45, but a lot of people don't know it. So when you're behind them, they speed up a little bit, but they're not going 45, they're going like 35.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And so I'll behind them and I'm going, hey, you can go 45 now. And they're like, I'm going 35. And then I start flicking the high beams and they don't budge, they don't move, they don't modify. And I realized there's another part where PCH turns into the 10 freeway. And the 10 freeway is 65 miles an hour is the speed limit. But people get off PCH and they start going along the 10 and they're just in the left lane, they're just in the fast lane and they're still going 45. And now we're on the freeway and I'm flipping them the high beams and they're not budging. And I don't know if people see it or they don't see it. Like if you got behind me in a modern car and we're flipping the high beams on and off, I Would see it in my mirror.

[C]

I think everybody just half on their phone all the time. Like, even if they're not looking down, they're like. They're just not.

[A]

Their head is sort of half on their phone.

[C]

Even if they're looking at directions on their phone or like. No.

[A]

I mean. No. I think what you're saying is they don't even have to look at their phone to be half on their phone. They're just sort of half out of.

[C]

It all the time. That's what it feels like. It feels like no one's aware of what's going on. That's why if you want to go. If you want to. If you need to get around the car in front of you, the car behind you always goes first. Like, they don't even. I even give you a moment to go around that car, which drives me insane, because it's like, it's my turn. Like, if that guy's stuck and he was trying to make a left turn or something, and I want to go around.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The polite thing to do is let you go first, but they don't even pay attention if you have your turn signal on.

[A]

Yeah. I think between a lot of medication and phone staring.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And way too many channels and TVs that are too big, people are just kind of out of it.

[C]

Everybody's zoned out. Everybody's just not. Yeah. Not aware of, like, the circumference around this area. Like.

[A]

Agreed.

[C]

Yeah. They have no peripheral vision anymore, man.

[A]

Gonna change the subject.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We need. And you're not gonna know what I'm talking about. Dawson. Will. Rich Eisen from the NFL Network's his favorite guy. His favorite bit. We need the replay gimp. We need the replay gimp more than ever. And people say, what is the replay gimp? Well, I'll explain. I was watching college football over the weekend, and I saw three plays where they went, you know what? But it looks. During the instant replay, when they examine it, it looks like enough, but not enough to overturn the call that was on the field. I think, Dawson, I didn't prep you guys with this, but the end of the Florida State game. I think it was the end of the Florida State game.

[C]

Oh, that's my.

[A]

Saturday night.

[C]

My sister works at fsu. Is that FSU or. It's the other one.

[A]

Fsu.

[C]

It is fsu. Oh, my sister and her husband work there.

[A]

Seminole.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. That's their.

[A]

The Seminole Tribe, by the way, likes being called.

[C]

I know that.

[A]

They like that. They. Because they get paid.

[C]

Oh, they do. Okay.

[A]

Hi. How are you? I'm surprised the underpants model didn't.

[C]

I didn't know that.

[A]

Didn't clue you in. Well, I figure he must know it, but he kept it pretty close to.

[C]

The vest, close to the breeze, close to the brief.

[A]

Yeah. That game, they. And again, we can look. I think it was Florida State. I think Florida State lost. I think.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Now I'm very upset because I'm supposed to care.

[A]

It pretty much looked like the guy scored at the end of the game. And the announcers were like, it looks like he scored two. But it's not enough to overturn the rule on the field. Now, here's my point. Why do we factor in the incorrect rule on the field? Why don't we just look at the tape and say, did he score or not? They do a lot of very close. Not enough to overturn. I don't want not enough to overturn. I just want either this or that. And that's where the replay gimp comes in.

[C]

Did they find it or.

[A]

Well, they'll look for it.

[D]

I think we're going through clips of the game right now, but what was it? A running touchdown? Throwing touchdown.

[A]

It was a running touchdown. It's the end of the game. It's the last play of the game, basically. Did Florida State lose that?

[D]

We just looked at what we thought was the last play of the game, 20 to 13. It's an incomplete pass into the end zone. Would they have clock issues?

[A]

They stopped the end of the game.

[D]

We got it. Standby. Here we go. All right.

[A]

Right. So this is your beloved Florida State.

[C]

I have to root for them.

[A]

It looked like. It looked like they upset. They won the game. He did a shovel pass.

[E]

Did it get there?

[C]

Didn't get there.

[A]

They. Now they'll replay it. This is the last play of the game. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[D]

Right.

[A]

The previous play is under further review. All right, so they shovel past the guy, cuts in the middle. All he has to do is break the front. All right?

[C]

It looks like, yeah, they lost.

[A]

He broke the plane. But it wasn't enough to overrule what was already made on the field. Look, if you watch it, he stretches out. You only have to break the front. Front of the goal. He broke it.

[C]

But anyway, the other guy in front of him. It looked like the other guy, like, blocked him.

[A]

You don't have to get into the end zone. You just have to break the front of the. Whatever.

[C]

It's really hard to tell.

[A]

This is where the replay gimp comes in. All right, let's see. But the re shuffle video evidence. Oh, I mean it was a great play by Stanford, but I, it looked like he scored. The point is they go, it's not, it's can't. It has to be indisputable because they made a call on the field. And what I'm saying is, is at that point they should go, no call. We're going to the booth. Not no touchdown and not touchdown. But it's not indisputable. It's not enough to turn over the bad call that we're looking at. Like baseball doesn't do that or they don't do it as much or I don't know how they do it, but baseball just goes safe or out. But they go, oh, we'll look at the tape and see if he's safe or out. Then I'll go, we called him out. It was kind of close. But it's not enough to overdo undo. Now the replay gimp never knows what the call was because he's in the bowels of the stadium.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And they run him out like they run out the Buffalo at the beginning of the Colorado State basketball, sorry, football game. Not Colorado State. Colorado and the Buffaloes. And they run him out and he's dressed full gimp outfit. And he goes under the hood and he goes thumbs up or thumbs down. First off, the light hurts him.

[C]

Oh, he hurts.

[A]

He's not seeing the light. Okay, he's back. He has a cage, there's hay in it. And they slop him twice a day.

[C]

This poor guy. This is like the worst job.

[A]

I don't even know if it pays. I don't know if it's technically a.

[D]

Job, but still we do some pretty bad stuff to get the job.

[A]

You don't really. Yeah, yeah. We don't grab it God fearing family men out of their office and make them into the replay gimp. Replay gimp's probably like the guy who like Philadelphia Stadium has a, you know, drunk tank and the in the basement a judge. And like there's so many fights and so many drunken fights and stuff that they have to bring the mountain to Muhammad.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The guy got busted for fighting in the stadium three or four times and public intoxication, urination. That guy eventually doesn't go home. He becomes the gimp and he's in the stadium. Wow. And then he goes out and he doesn't know if Florida scored or didn't score. That's the whole point. He doesn't even know what team is. What.

[D]

Shouldn't even know where he is.

[A]

He doesn't know where he is. There's just. Did this ball cross the goal line or didn't it? Or did his foot go out of bounds?

[D]

He's not shaking your head, Erica. But this was a bad man.

[A]

It's a bad.

[C]

Oh, he really is a bad.

[D]

Because he had to be a bad man. And if he makes the call that. Say they were playing at Stanford, if he makes the call against Stanford, then the crowd has every right to throw vegetables at him.

[A]

His handler. His handler will flog it.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

The handler who has the reins, you know, because he's, like, on a gimp leash. Yeah. You know, I mean, we'll just start flogging him, and then the crowd will kind of go nuts. Yeah.

[C]

Talk about medieval.

[D]

And what we have is a gimp circuit. And we keep on moving them around from stadium to stadium so they never.

[C]

Know where they are, making this up because I don't understand. I don't even know.

[A]

This is real.

[C]

This is real.

[A]

This is real. This is real. This is.

[C]

This is awesome.

[D]

100% real. We are not making this up.

[A]

What do we bring him out to, the Gary Glitter song? Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Gosh, there's so many things about football I don't understand.

[A]

The scoreboard just goes gimp. And the crowd starts going nuts. Gimp. Gimp. And when they run him out, the crowd's going nuts. Nuts going nuts. And. And his handler's a hot mistress, like, dominatrix type. Like, hey, God, that could be something.

[C]

I could do that.

[A]

You could do something like that. Like boots up to your knees with stiletto heels. Like, leather hot pants that lace up in the front and the back.

[D]

It's one of the most respected positions in the NFL.

[C]

It is?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

A replay game.

[D]

How much money whips the gambler?

[A]

Well, here's the thing about replay, Kim.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Ask me how much the Dallas Cow, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders make per game.

[C]

How much do they make?

[A]

$1. That's the whole point. It's a privilege to play.

[C]

They got an upgrade, right? Didn't they get a. They got a raise.

[A]

$75.

[C]

Yeah. $1.75.

[A]

They can ride half a bus in New York City. They get a dollar. You want to know why? It's like when someone says, like, I'm gonna be Secretary of Defense, or I'm gonna be head of whatever, and I'll forget my job over at my Fortune 500 company. What's your pay? I take a dollar a year. You know, it's symbolic, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Replay gimp. You don't do it for the money. You do it for the prestige.

[C]

So do they make the same as the Dallas cheerleaders or. They probably make more.

[A]

First off, it's considered gauche to ass. You know, uncouth. You don't go to a cocktail party and you gotta go. I run Nabisco. Oh, yeah? How much money you make, dude? Come on.

[C]

It's usually public information. If it's a public job like that, you know, I mean, if it's.

[D]

When they ask the gimp how much he wears, how much he makes, he says, you know, all I can say is they give me the outfit for free.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, it's a dollar.

[C]

Does he have a side job? Like, is this guy a bartender?

[A]

Not during the season. He's in the kids up. He's in the bowels.

[D]

Sensory deprivation.

[A]

That's part of it.

[D]

Sunlight until he comes out to make the call.

[C]

So weird. Does he wear a costume?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

No, he wears khakis and a flannel.

[C]

Why don't we have a clip of him?

[D]

Come on.

[A]

I told you in the beginning, he comes out in full Gimp apparel.

[C]

Seem real until I see it.

[D]

He looks like one of those guys in the Beastmaster.

[A]

Yeah, you see the Beastmaster? No, the guards to protect the castle.

[D]

Come on.

[C]

I haven't seen it. Oh, man, this is all guy stuff.

[A]

Okay, You've seen Pulp Fiction, right?

[C]

Yeah, I've seen Pulp Fiction.

[A]

All right, well, you know what a gimp outfit looks like?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I said.

[A]

He comes out in the Gimp out.

[C]

This doesn't sound. The way you're describing it sounds like you're making it up.

[A]

And will you have a better. You have a better way to do it?

[C]

How about, like, not having him there?

[A]

Well, then you end up like Florida State.

[D]

State.

[A]

Is that where you want to end up?

[D]

No, you've made a choice.

[A]

How much money People gamble on these games only to have some idiot with cataracts go under the hood, look at some replay and go, yeah, I guess.

[C]

He has a lot of power. So anyone with power probably gets paid pretty well.

[A]

Well, and.

[C]

And he's on tv.

[A]

First off, I explained to you. Yeah, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders get a dollar a game because.

[C]

Well, that's because they're women.

[A]

It's prestigious to just. To be asked to be replay gimp on the NFL level is already a tip.

[D]

Of the cap.

[A]

It's an honor. Like. Yeah. $1,800 a week.

[C]

Does he. Is he in shape? Does he have to be in shape?

[A]

No, some of them.

[D]

Some of them are.

[A]

Are better than others.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Most of them not. It's a small cage. They can't exercise. They can't get the kind of gimp exercise that they'd like. Isn't it a great job?

[D]

The referee turns on his microphone phone.

[C]

Huh.

[D]

And he holds it for a second, you know, pauses dramatically, and then says, bring out the gimp.

[A]

Right? And then everybody goes. And a lot of stadiums know it's coming. You know what I mean? Like, they.

[D]

They want it.

[A]

They huge.

[C]

I didn't grow up in with football, really.

[D]

Oh, well, this is a normal thing.

[A]

This is bigger than football.

[C]

I know nothing about. I. All I know about football, I learned on with Friday Night Lights. Watching Friday Night Lights.

[A]

They don't have a gimp at the high school level.

[C]

They didn't have.

[A]

You know, it would break the Internet. Break the Internet this year if the gimp got out and attacked Bad Bunny in the middle of his answer. That would be the Internet. Gimp breaks loose from his handler, attacks Bad Bunny, like, here's horrible Spanish song, starts getting agitated, has, like, a weird flashback to, you know, being in some whorehouse in Tijuana and just attacks.

[C]

I'd like to see that.

[A]

That we would watch, right?

[C]

Yeah. And I know Bad Bunny, so I get it.

[A]

You know him.

[C]

I mean, I know of him.

[A]

You know of him, Right. He sees a guy wearing something shiny.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He hears the bad Spanish song, and he just has a flashback to, like, a whore smacking him in a whorehouse when he's in Tijuana and he goes nuts.

[C]

PR stunt. Yeah. Good idea.

[A]

All right, let's give you a plug. Erica Rhodes. People should go to ericarodescomedy.com for tickets, right?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Wherever you're playing, all over the country. I'm gonna be at Flappers October 29th, coming up. 29th, right here in Burbank. And then November 6th, I'm gonna be in Boston, Mass, at the Wilbur Theater. That's a cool place.

[C]

I love that theater.

[A]

And then Buffalo, New York, Electric City. That'll be November 7th. You go to AdamKroll.com for all the live shows. And until next time, it's Adam Kroll for Erica Rhodes and Dawson saying mahalo.

[D]

Pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 888-634-174. Ford, miss your chance to see Adam Corolla live and get Tickets [e-mail] this.

[B]

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