French Stewart + Jo Koy (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show — French Stewart + Jo Koy (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: December 13, 2025
Podcast Network: PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show: Carolla Classics compiles fan-favorite segments and classic moments from the show's extensive archive, featuring Adam's signature comedic rants, insightful interviews, and off-the-cuff interactions with recurring personalities like French Stewart and Jo Koy. The main themes are Adam’s humorous takes on pop culture oddities, personal anecdotes, and playful debates with co-hosts, all wrapped in an irreverent, quick-witted tone that’s a hallmark of the podcast. The selections span various years, focusing on absurd news stories, mishaps in Adam's personal life, and comical deep-dives into showbiz and sports culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlighted Clips

1. Media Bias & The Toobin Zoom Incident

Episode Clip: Show 2940 (November 2020)
Timestamps: 01:22–18:29

Discussion:

• Adam opens with a satirical comparison of how news outlets of different political leanings report on the Jeffrey Toobin Zoom incident.
• He notes the euphemistic language used by left-leaning outlets (“exposed himself”) versus more direct descriptions on the right-leaning side (“masturbating on a Zoom call”).
• The discussion evolves into an extended, improvised “reenactment” with Adam and co-hosts (Elliott Gould, Gina Grad) imagining Toobin running into old family friends at an airport.

Memorable Lines:

• “It’s masturbation versus exposed. If it’s on the left, it’s exposed. On the right, it’s masturbation. It’s the same story—you’re just getting a slightly different version depending on who likes you.” — Adam Carolla [03:01]
• “I was beating my meat.” — Adam (as Toobin, in the reenactment) [15:23]
• The bit spirals through a barrage of euphemisms for masturbation (“choking the chicken,” “spanking the monkey,” “jerking the gherkin”) with Adam repeatedly forced to clarify.

Notable Segment:

• [12:28] Adam: “No, I’m a little more of a stroker, I think you would call it.”
• [17:36] Adam finally breaks character: “All right, you two. I was masturbating, okay? Are you satisfied with the chicken and the gherkin and the bologna?!”

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2. Male Life Expectancy & Lifestyle Observations

Episode Clip: Show 2403 (September 2018)
Timestamps: 18:43–29:33

Discussion:

• Adam jokes about perks of being a woman—notably longer average lifespan—rarely being mentioned by women when listing gender-based grievances.
• Gina Grad and Adam swap theories about “burning out” more quickly due to active lifestyles, versus the longevity of “low-mileage” people—using Adam’s father as a humorous example.
• Brief segue into Oscar rehearsal stories, with Adam questioning actors' professionalism, and guest Elliott Gould sharing tales of presenting at the Oscars.

Memorable Quotes:

• “I have a theory about that, which is — that’s a little insulting, but that’s never stopped you before.” — Gina Grad [19:14]
• "My dad’s like slippers. You put them on, but you don’t go jogging in them." — Adam Carolla [21:38]
• Elliott Gould tells of being paired to present with Isabella Adjani, and cracking a sports score while awarding the Oscar (earning a laugh from Adam):
  “So when they said, ‘the winner is,’ I announced the [NCAA] score, and they haven’t had me back since.” [25:58]

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3. The “Missing Envelope” & Son’s Suspected Theft

Episode Clip: Show 2088 (June 2017)
Timestamps: 30:48–58:18

Discussion:

• Adam recounts the saga of several hundred dollars in cash going missing from his studio, with a parade of suspects including Dr. Drew’s bipolar guest, Shawn Green (ex-LA Dodger), and eventually Adam’s own son, Sonny.
• Adam and the team call Sonny on-air to grill him about the missing envelope, resulting in a deadpan but earnest parent-child negotiation laced with Adam’s comedic exasperation.

Memorable Exchanges:

• “Well, did you look on the other page, on the other place where you—the other place where you took all the other money?” — Sonny [52:02]
• “If you leave a whole stack of money on the table in front of people... he’s done the transformer robot versus the green paper stuff. Daddy brings home math very, very quickly.” — Adam Carolla [47:45]

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4. Smoke Detector Rant & Everyday Frustrations

Episode Clip: Show 1444 & others
Timestamps: 59:55–74:04

Discussion:

• Adam launches into a classic rant about defective home smoke detectors that chirp incessantly, can’t have their batteries replaced, and defy logic.
• He walks through the frustrating attempts to silence them, ultimately smashing them in his sink.

Memorable Quotes:

• “I literally put it in the sink and drown it. Like, I’m just going to bury it in water. I’ll treat it like a bomb or something.” — Adam Carolla [65:35]
• “There’s never been more verbiage onto something the size of a glass coaster.” — Adam [62:40]
• Elliot Gould: "Next week's 'Lord of the Jungle'..." (riffing on Adam’s mounting frustration) [67:05]

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5. Old School Song Logic & the Harper Valley Rant

Episode Clip: Show 895
Timestamps: 74:16–83:38

Discussion:

• Adam deconstructs the logic of “Harper Valley PTA” song lyrics, fixating on repetitive last names that make no narrative sense and the laziness of songwriters.

Notable Moment:

• “You have a song that takes place in Harper Valley, Harper is a last name—but there’s also several thousand other last names from which to choose!” — Adam [78:12]

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6. Sports, Parenting & The Anatomy of a Coaching Call

Episode Clip: Show 1444
Timestamps: 91:11–110:49

Discussion:

• Adam breaks down the infamous Royals/Giants World Series decision—should the base runner have been sent home?—using a kidnapping analogy to explain risk vs. reward.
• Dives into sports history, fan psychology, and how pivotal moments scar or immortalize players.

Memorable Quote:

• “In life, be—don’t be in between. ...If ISIS or Al Qaeda jumps you in the parking lot and says, ‘Get in the van,’ once you’re in the van, that’ll be about it. ...That was your opening.” — Adam [93:00]

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7. Niche Porn, Modern Dating, and How the Internet Changed Everything

Episode Clip: Show 337 (June 2010)
Timestamps: 112:00–155:40

Discussion:

• Segment starts with classic TiVo Trivia game before launching into a deeply Carolla-ian tangent on how the proliferation of niche internet porn (from nap porn to “come on glasses” fetishes) has changed male motivation to marry, socialize, and pursue relationships.
• Doug Benson speculates—jokingly—about subgenres of porn, and Adam questions if the easy access has dulled “the eye of the tiger” in men.

Notable Quotes:

• “I think it’s a lot like double penetration. If you’re not a seasoned veteran… you can’t just wake up and have two guys in you.” — Adam Carolla [128:39]
• “I remember when porn was just porn. ...Well, I guess I gotta beat off to it.” — Adam [155:00]

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Notable Quotes

• “You could never hate her as much as she hates herself.” — Adam Carolla on Teresa Strasser [124:25]
• “Daddy’s angry. I want that money back. Do you understand me?” — Adam, on-air call with his son Sonny [53:48]
• "Now if there’s not a woman napping and a sword…" — Brian Bishop [155:27], during the nap/sword niche porn riff.

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Episode Structure & Flow

• Classic Clip Montage: Hosted and introduced by 'Superfan Giovanni,' the episode weaves through highlights, giving context and dates for each segment.
• Adam's Rants: Each segment is marked by Adam’s unique mix of personal storytelling, exasperation, and dry logic, often punctuated by co-host banter or deadpan reactions.
• Improv/Role-play: Multi-voice reenactments (e.g., “Jeffrey Toobin at the airport”) are a recurring comedic device.
• Call-ins and Games: On-air parenting with his son, and the classic “Totally Topical TiVo Trivia Time Tonight” trivia segment with Doug Benson and the team, showcase the show’s interactive and improvisational side.
• Cultural & Personal Reflection: Even absurd or gross-out humor is often leveraged to reflect on changing social norms, personal growth, or generational shifts in behavior and expectations.

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Final Thoughts

This Carolla Classics episode is a compendium of what long-time fans love about the show—unfiltered humor, sharp observation, and a willingness to turn even the most trivial annoyance or pop culture embarrassment into a sprawling, laugh-out-loud cultural exploration. Adam’s willingness to share personal failings, embrace awkwardness, and eviscerate both himself and society ensures that even as the show barrels through the absurd, it remains rooted in the humor of being human.

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For fans and newcomers alike, this episode is a crash course in Adam Carolla’s comedic worldview, delivering both nostalgia and evergreen laughs.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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Trial at shopify.com listen shopify.com listen.

[Podcast Host]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments and highlights from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available exclusively through Podcast one. Sign up and get the ad free archives and if you'd like to get the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show or you just want exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat It out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamkorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorola.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Corolla Show 2940 featuring Jim Gray, Gia Grad and Brian Bishop. This one's from November of 2020.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. We have one the Daily Mail Jeffrey Toobin is fired from the New Yorker Republican right Daily Mail right leaning is fired from the New Yorker weeks after being caught masturbating on Zoom Call. But then if you go to the other side of the aisle, what does.

HuffPo have to say? He was wrongly accused.

He was.

[Elliott Gould]

He was Introspective Moment man is fired.

[Adam Carolla]

From jobs Jeffrey Toobin fired for trying to fix the wing of a butterfly.

They're afraid of pants.

New York Times says Jeffrey Toobin fired by New York by New Yorker. CNN says Jeffrey Toobin fired from New Yorker after exposing himself on a Zoom call. CBS says same thing. Exposure incident. So all the folks Washington Post left leaning says Jeffrey Toobin fired by a New Yorker magazine after incident. Sorry, indecent exposure investigation. Well they put indecent in there at least. So this is the thing with news now. So if you get your news from CNN or the New York Times or USA Today didn't say anything about masturbation or LA Times. If you just get your news from them then you'll be confused at least in this incident. Cuz it's just exposure versus checking the Alternative stuff, which would then let you know that he was masturbating on this zoom call. But I thought about. It's a very interesting. It sounds like a weird place to make an example, but this is the example of where we're living right now. It's masturbation versus exposed. Right? If it's on the left, it's exposed. If it's on the right, it's masturbation. It's the same story. We're getting a slightly, you know, what you would do if you liked him versus what you would do if you didn't like him. Although in this case, the folks who don't like him are more accurate because he was masturbating on a zoom call. But I thought we could do a reenactment. I thought, who gets to be Toobin on the zoom call? I do. Oh, I get to be Toobin as the boss.

[Elliott Gould]

Gina.

[Gina Grad]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

You two are a Mormon couple. Okay? And we're contemporaries. We're the same age. And you're an old family friend of the Toobins. And it's not like we hang out, but, you know, back in the day, you're family friends. And I, Jeffrey Toobin, am. I'm going to. I'm at the airport and I'm catching a flight to Alaska to just kind of chill my heels for. And, and by the way, have. Have some room to spread out my thighs a little, you know, get back to my first love with, you know.

[Elliott Gould]

Do what you're best at.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm tired. I like Alaska because it's dark 24 hours a day there, which is great. They don't talk, you know, they talk about salmon and they talk about Kodiak bears, but they don't talk about beat off travel, you know what I mean? Like tourism. That beat off tourism, you know what I mean? Oh, you hear about all the highfalutin sex tourism, like you're going to the Netherlands or going to Thailand or something like that. But what about. What about the guy who loves beating off and also wants to travel?

[Elliott Gould]

He's talking to his beat off buddies. I'm going to the North Pole. Oh, you lucky dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we gotta watch that Al Pacino movie to figure out exactly what month it is.

[Elliott Gould]

Insomnia.

[Adam Carolla]

So you go there, you get 24 hours of darkness, and the beat off production is through the roof, you know what I mean? Because when that sun is just streaming through that paper thin shade in the morning, how are you supposed to get anything done? You roll over, you see the picture, your son on the nightstand. I don't know why you have to travel with it, but it's there. All right. No.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm going to Alaska where it's dark and I can get some beat off time in. Also, I want to get out of the. The public eye. You guys were just fostering some mission stuff over in Mozambique, you know?

[Elliott Gould]

Sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And you had. You were in a village. You didn't have electricity.

You didn't know what Internet.

You couldn't travel because of the COVID thing. You've been trapped there for nine months. You. You haven't heard anything about this story. And as it turns out, we just. We meet each other and then we run into each other in the. In the airport. I think you guys. You guys are going to have to see me because I'm probably wearing a ball cap and trying to. Trying to.

[Elliott Gould]

You're probably not hailing old friends, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right, so here we go. I'm walking through the airport.

[Elliott Gould]

We're walking from our flight. Oh, it's a long flight from Mozambique. I can't believe they fly direct.

[Adam Carolla]

Carl. Is that. Is that Jeffrey?

Oh, it's Jeffrey.

Jeffrey from the picnics.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, man, he's doing so well for himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's ask.

What a gift we were given to see him. The first person back from Mozambique. Excuse me. Is Jeffrey.

Yeah. I mean, no. Oh, Bernadette. Bernadette. Bernadette. And Carl. Carl. Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, hey, how are you, buddy?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, come see, come saw.

[Elliott Gould]

Boy, I tell you, if we just the guy to run into. We have been unplugged for months in a village of all places. Can you believe it? Mozambique. I don't know what's going. And we run into the news guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You are a sight for sore eyes.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit down these days. I don't wanna lay too much on you.

[Elliott Gould]

Coronavirus got you down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we've heard about that.

[Elliott Gould]

I can only imagine what it's like.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I had a little dust up at work and we kind of decided to part ways and.

[Elliott Gould]

Editorial kind of thing, you wanted to, you know, say speak your mind on the president or something and wouldn't let you.

[Adam Carolla]

Whose name goes in the byline?

Well, no, I've always had editorial freedom over there, but no, it wasn't really.

Oh, my gosh.

It's a culture.

You know, I hear with the coronavirus, they're cracking down on people putting personal effects and knickknacks on their desks. Did you have a dust up about the cactuses? I remember you collected those cactuses.

Well, it was cacti.

Cacti. I burn it.

That's silly.

[Elliott Gould]

Stupid cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they. It was something they saw, you know, during a Zoom call, but it wasn't a. You know, it wasn't a salt shaker shaped like a cactus. If. If that's something else on your desk. On my desk.

[Elliott Gould]

You're looking at some Fox News stuff. I assume that it was, you know, probably verboten over there to look at Fox News or something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I. I watch Tucker every night just to kind of monitor it. They know that it wasn't. Wasn't so much political.

Well, gosh, Jeffrey. I mean, what happened? We're just. We're so sorry to hear it. And. Oh, I get. So they're sending you on an investigative. What do you call it?

[Gina Grad]

A report.

[Adam Carolla]

An investigative report to the Yukon Territory.

Yeah, no, I'm just going there to get a little R and R, you know, post election.

[Elliott Gould]

You gotta relax, man. I heard the election results went on for days. You were probably up for. Oh, you probably got one hour sleeping on the air like that, analyzing the results.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I was up all right.

Oh, boy, we.

[Elliott Gould]

Imagine how hard that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was up. I was good and up. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, you seem hungry, Jeffrey. I have some snacks. Do you need anything? I have jerky. I have, let's see, yogurt.

Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

Gazelle jerky from.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's delicious. Girthy.

Yeah, I'm having trouble eating. You know, I love my job over there at the New Yorker magazine on CNN and all that for all those years, you know, so many years over there. Oh, my God.

[Elliott Gould]

I got a whole bunch of articles ready to go that saved from what I missed when I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I won't be working for either one of those entities anymore, so I'm a little.

[Elliott Gould]

Does something. I don't mean to be indelicate. Does something go wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, we were doing a Zoom call and we'd done this. Yeah. And, you know, the thing about Zoom is you're really inviting every one of your colleagues you're on the Zoom call with into your personal space.

[Elliott Gould]

You know, imagine how intimate it is. I mean, here you all are just, you know, looking at each other and, you know, bathrobes, perhaps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, Carl, now, I mean to be racy. I'm sorry. That's a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Carl. Okay, we don't want to embarrass Jeffrey, okay?

Yeah, I wish it was A bathroom.

With the racy talk.

Yeah, it'd be nice if it was a bathrobe.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm saying it would be nice if it was just the bathrobe.

I. Jeffrey, were you wearing a ladies Nike?

[Elliott Gould]

Is there a wardrobe malfunction?

[Adam Carolla]

No, the gym shorts came down by themselves. I mean with a little help from me, I. I should say.

You know, Jeffrey, we've heard in Mozambique one time Carl was sitting at the table and got a whole mess of carpenter ants that got no hole in his pocket. He had to rip his shorts down and run outside. Oh, I hope that didn't happen to you.

Yeah, that's. Some of that. Some of that happened to me.

I thought that only happened.

[Elliott Gould]

I was the only one wearing clothes. So it wasn't odd. I mean I just sort of joined the.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I did have to rip my. My shorts off. Yeah. Oh, Jeffrey.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, well, I'm sure the lawyer understands it was emerging situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. And I hope you sought medical attention quickly.

Wasn't was more of a self inflicted wound. A little less carpenter ants and a little more at my own hands. I should say hand singular.

[Brian Bishop]

Carl.

[Adam Carolla]

Carl. I think he's a cutter. Remember. Remember Susie's stepdaughter?

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, we saw that.

[Adam Carolla]

We're like her stepdaughter. I think he's a cutter.

Yeah, I can hear you whispering. I can hear you whispering.

[Elliott Gould]

He's only a way.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you a cutter? Are you a cutter, Jeffrey?

No, I'm a little more of a stroker, I think you would call it.

[Elliott Gould]

Not heard of that malady. What happens? How does that work?

[Adam Carolla]

Show us.

You know, you have websites that you really love. You really love certain websites.

Hello, Pinterest. Guilty as charged.

[Elliott Gould]

Search of lds.org oh boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and you know I love bring a trailer a lot. But there's other websites I enjoy too. And you know, during this whole Covid thing can be so lonely.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, so like a. Like a meetup site. Like. Like a networking kind of like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like who wants to learn how to do sourdough starter together?

How do you spell meat?

[Elliott Gould]

The normal way. Were you mentoring someone? You. You're. You're a good guy, Jeffrey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a little fella that I like to impart wisdom to that I like to keep kind of close to me. So there's an element of that.

So nice.

I was.

I'm so glad you held onto those values, Jeffrey.

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

[Elliott Gould]

I'm tight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, really grip them hard.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah. Grab on. Don't let go.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't let go.

Yeah, I'm really sorry I got to the airport so early.

[Elliott Gould]

I was gonna say flight to Alaska, leaving soon.

[Adam Carolla]

You never know with the weather over there. I just wanted to play.

Jeffrey, we got plenty of time. It's just so great to see you. And I'm sorry, you were saying?

I was saying that, you know, I'm not as strong as you guys are. I don't have the religious base. You guys, you know that some. You know how they say the devil makes work for idle hands?

Oh, don't we know it. That's why we're in Mozambique.

In this particular case, I think it would be the devil makes work for idle hand.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, well, I suppose that's a phrase I've not heard.

[Adam Carolla]

I was.

[Gina Grad]

Jeffrey.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeffrey.

Yeah?

Did you give someone the finger?

Oh.

Oh, no.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, dear.

[Adam Carolla]

I gave. Please don't say yes. I gave myself the five finger discount.

[Elliott Gould]

Hmm. Is that something the kids are saying these days?

[Adam Carolla]

Is that like, give me something. You high fived yourself?

I was stroking my podcast. Oh, how is your pug?

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, I was gonna say the little smushed face and the snorting.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't let raffles in the room when I'm zooming. That would be inappropriate.

[Elliott Gould]

You're stroking her behind the ears. Yeah, get him there.

[Adam Carolla]

I know she loves that.

I. I said stroking my. I said. I said. I said pod.

[Elliott Gould]

Did you say pod? You're doing a podcast?

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tune in. We had a 15 hour flight from 5.

You've heard about those. Those are fun.

They'. Sorry, I was. God, I don't know how you guys talk. I was beating my meat.

Oh, so you were zooming from the kitchen?

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, I thought that you were.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a tenderizer. You don't need to use your hand. You know they sell them cheap on Amazon.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, the mallet things.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why.

You can do textured or flat.

I don't know why I keep going down this road, but I was choking my chicken.

[Elliott Gould]

He loves cooking.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't judge. And if you're cleaning it too, then it's God's will that the chicken dies and that you life.

[Elliott Gould]

And now he's providing for your family.

[Adam Carolla]

I was doing the five knuckles Shuffle.

[Host or Producer]

Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know what? I've seen that the kids from Fortnite do that little.

[Elliott Gould]

The flaws.

[Adam Carolla]

The Five Knuckle Shuffle. TikTok, let me see if I can just get clear here for a second. You know, I do have a pug. That was coincidental, but you understand I Don't have a monkey. Right?

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah. I think it's illegal.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Know your family? To raise monkeys?

Yeah, yeah. I was spanking the monkey.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, well, speaking of Mozambique, you gotta get those monkeys away from the cabins. They will wreak havoc. They'll take anything that's not tied down.

[Adam Carolla]

Carl spanked so many monkeys in Mozambique. That was the only way to keep them out of our cabin.

[Elliott Gould]

I'm not really a believer in corporal punishment, but you know how to teach him a lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

Otherwise, Carl would run into the village square spanking monkey.

You know, I don't have a gherkin. Are there gherkins in Mozambique?

They're hard to come by.

All right, I was jerking the gherkin.

You know, I can. I've heard. I. I heard from Deborah. You remember Deborah. There's a cookbook, a Jamaican food.

All right, hold on. Anything. You know I'm vegan, right?

I'd heard that after the chicken.

I've been vegan for four. For 13 years. I was bopping my baloney.

Okay, Is that like the Beyond Burger? The Bopped baloney. Oh, there's the Impossible Burger. The Beyond Burger. And there's the. Is it the Bopped. You're saying the Bopped Burger. The Bopped baloney.

All right, you too. I was masturbating. Okay. I was masturbating. Are you Fine. Are you satisfied with the chicken and the gherkin and the bologna?

[Elliott Gould]

That's a lot of props.

[Adam Carolla]

Those. Are you.

We gotta go. We gotta get back to Utah.

Carl, come on. Come on.

Carl, come on. Stop talking.

I want the yogurt. And scene. Thank you. It was powerful.

[Elliott Gould]

Cheetah with the chicken.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so when I was sitting around this morning at 8, I was thinking, what if he ran into his couple from Utah and they could have a conversation?

Was it everything you hoped it would be?

It was more than I hoped it would be.

[Podcast Host]

All right, that's adam kolla show 2940. Coming up next, we have adam kolla show 2403, featuring joe coy, rj bell, gina grad, and brian bishop. This one's from september of 2018.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, women, you guys never bring up that part. You know, it's a lot of complaints about. Well, we get 70 cents to your dollar and we're held back. And we. We're. We got hormonal issues and, you know. But what about the part where we die almost a decade before you? Do anyone ever want to bring that up? That. That's a perk. That's a perk. To have an ovaries, is it not? The extra 10 years you get to spend on the planet spending our money. Not bad, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty good perk.

[Gina Grad]

All the breaks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm just saying it rarely comes up. You get a break on your insurance and you live an extra seven, seven, eight years or something. It's not bad. I have a theory about that, which is. That's a little insulting, but that's never stopped you before.

[Elliott Gould]

Well, just a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm up on stage burning calories, and my wife right now is at home.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, like in suspended animation.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be in Denver over the weekend burning some calories. My wife's kind of hanging with the kids.

[Gina Grad]

Like, you have a certain amount of life force and you're just whipping through yours faster.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Stress. You know what I mean? Too much travel, too many. Too many early mornings, Too many early call times for the great Elliott Gould. This is excellent. For the people that are just listening in their cars right now, they don't even believe me. I could have just said we had Willie Nelson up here, and they'd be like, yeah, that's cool. Yeah. So I think you burn yourself out. I think guys. I think they burn themselves out. I don't know. There's a biological thing, I think, guys. And then you end up doing things like smoking and drinking and stuff like that.

[Gina Grad]

Well, we just need to find some really lazy, sedentary guys and find out how long they live.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we got him. My dad.

[Gina Grad]

How's he doing?

[Adam Carolla]

He's 81 and he's still going strong. Yeah, no, I. I explained to my dad in his kind of terms as, like, as I could the other day that he was like a, you know, a kind of a crappy car, but with almost no mileage on it. You know what I mean? Like, if you took a Chevy Chevette and just put it up on blocks in your garage in 1973, it's still a piece of. But it's brand new. It's a. It's pristine. He still has that new human smell. Yeah. He's not a good model, you know, he's not a. He's not a Ferrari or a Corvette. He's a shitty model that's almost brand new because he's never been driven, like, in the. In the snow.

[Elliott Gould]

How do you take that news?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I told him he was. I also. I sort of told him he was just low mileage, like, lot. Not a lot of days on the roof, working out in the sun. Not a lot of super Stressful business meetings. Not a lot of burning the midnight oil. You know, he's kind of.

[Gina Grad]

He's like veal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what he's like? He's like slippers. You put them on, but you don't go jogging in them. You don't wear them outside. You don't run in them. They never see the rain. They're still shoes. You can get some mileage on them. Just not tough miles, you know? You're not. Not running on. You're not. No trail mileage on slippers. That's all carpeted miles.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

My dad's been on nothing but carpeting his whole life. Oh, wait, we got pictures. Oh, there's my dad. There he is. Yeah. Plays his trumpet, walks around in slippers. Elliot, what do you think of this? How do you feel? How's your health talking to the mic?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

My health is fine, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You?

[Gina Grad]

Good.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

The water was not open, so nothing spilled.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I know. Would you like some water?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

No, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you like some Mangria?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I'll try it.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll try Mangria? That's scary. We got to get him out of a shell. By the way, do you think I'm in a shell? Yeah.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

You're wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I'm out of the shell.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're out. Oh, this is you out. Me? Yeah. Wow. I've seen you be so dynamic.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I'm an actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's it. That's. But what. What? Now? That's a good point. Here, Mr. Gould, use your hand there and taste some of my signature Mangria. This is going to get you into a shell.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

No, no, there's no shells for this.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk about this acting for a moment.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

You want to talk some more?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Even more than this?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you watch the Oscars?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I noticed that a lot of the actors didn't seem to want to go to rehearsal.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I don't know about rehearsal. Oh, you mean when they were dancing?

[Adam Carolla]

No, when.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when they were dancing a little bit. But when they do the Oscars, they go, hey, could you come out on Thursday and do, like, a rehearsal where you read the teleprompter and do that and all the answers, all the actors just go.

[Elliott Gould]

The presenters.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I don't know that that's true. I've done the awards several times.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, let's talk about that.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

We just did.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's over.

[Gina Grad]

Let's talk about it again. When you talk about it again.

[Adam Carolla]

When you were asked to present. Yes, at the Academy Awards, did they ask you to come for a run through? Of course. Okay. Did you show up?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Yes, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

That's you. That's what I'm saying.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I would say most, if not everyone, shows up. Do you know something that I don't know?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think the guys from the X Men showed up.

[Gina Grad]

Avengers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I think the people. Some of the people show up and they read that teleprompter and they stumble through it. And clearly there was not a rehearsal process with them. And I think when you say to Jennifer Lopez, we need you here on Wednesday to rehearse, she goes. Her publicist says, I can't be there until Sunday afternoon. I'm in New York. Sorry. It's either this way or no way. What do you think of that? You showed up and rehearsed. You.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

You. You went from the four guys from the Avengers, right? To Jennifer Lopez. I don't think it was fair to Jennifer Lopez. And as far as the four guys from the Avengers. Who gives a?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Gina Grad]

The main is working.

[Adam Carolla]

I. The viewers do. I'm a viewer and I give a. Because I don't want to see them fumble and stumble through their presentation.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

You do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're probably right. It's more fun. But the point is, is. Okay, so what was the schedule? Unless there's anyone else in this room that's presented at the Oscars? Just three. Okay, so. But I got Elliot on stage, so I'm going to talk to him. What is the schedule then for presenting at the Oscars? How did it work the last time you did it?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Well, that was some time ago, but, you know, we'd have to come in before the day of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Work with the director, work with the cameras, work with the stage managers. So as we would have an idea of what was going on.

[Adam Carolla]

And do you remember who you were out there with or what you presented last time you did it?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Well, yeah, I was with Isabella, Johnny, and we presented the best editing to Verna Fields, who did Jaws.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did Jaws.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

She did Jaws. And when at that point, the NCAA championship game was on at the same time as the Academy Awards and I heard the score and it was Indiana 86 in Michigan 68. And so when they said, the winner is, I announce the score and they haven't had me back since.

[Adam Carolla]

So that was not in the rehearsal.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I think that's fine now.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you. Would you. How many Oscars have you attended in general?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Perhaps four.

[Adam Carolla]

Four.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Perhaps four, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be as many as five and as little three. Four seems four. Four is good.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Four seems right.

[Adam Carolla]

And biggest star who's not with us anymore that you. That you met or hung out with.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Sat me next to John Wayne.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know that name. And my last. My last name is Wayne. Okay. How's it feel? Douche. How was the. How was the Duke? What was he like?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? And this was how. How long then after that, did he. Did he pass away?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I don't know. I don't count.

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid question. You wouldn't know that. No one would have that just at their fingertips.

[Gina Grad]

I met him when I was three.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Because he lived in Newport beach or had spent time.

[Adam Carolla]

Howdy, little Jew.

[Gina Grad]

The story I heard was something like that, but it was little girl. Maybe it was cleaned up. Yeah. So I was in this men's store, at ease. And my parents were there too, but, like, I was over here and they were over here. And then he came up and was like, oh, you're a cute little girl in the John Wayne voice, you know, and was talking to me. And then my dad was like, oh, my God, you know, totally starstruck and came over and like, you know, I'm the father of that cute little girl. I think John Wayne cared not at all about my dad.

[Adam Carolla]

He was one of the first guys that everyone figured out they could do an impression of.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And thus everyone did John Wayne. Even people who couldn't do impressions.

[Gina Grad]

It was walk in before walkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then there was. I. I'm gonna work out the order one of these days of Jimmy Cagney was probably number one of the guys at. People did impressions of. Or maybe they did of Caesar, but there's no recorded evidence of that. You know what I'm saying?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

When you said Caesar, I thought you were talking about Edward G. Robinson.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he play Caesar?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Little Caesar?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. In. Yeah. All right. Was he in White Heat? Yeah. So Edward G. Robinson, Jimmy Cagney. Then there was. Well, maybe WC Fields. I'm gonna work this out. Might take a decade or so. Who's the number?

[Elliott Gould]

Jimmy Stewart.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy Stewart. Who's the number one female that you know? And then Ron Reagan and guys like that. But who. Who do you think? The number one female. Mae West. That's a good one. This guy's gonna. Please tell me you know who May west is. Do you know who Mae west is?

[Host or Producer]

I've heard it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. She doesn't know. I don't know Randy West. You know Randy west at all. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. All right. Mae West. Yeah. Ellie. Cool.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Betty Davis.

[Adam Carolla]

Bette Davis. Yeah. Who? Katharine Hepburn. All right, this is boring now. I brought it up and I'm bored with it. All right. Should we do one more question? Maybe get some. Some news and things like that? And by the way, the movie. Just tell us a little about this movie. I'm jumping around a lot.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

But don't you know anything about it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's in theaters. I know. And Direct TV Cinema. March 22.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

That's all I have.

[Adam Carolla]

My gut is that it's about a young woman uprooted from the San Fernando Valley into the whirlwind of downtown la. I mean, but that's just my gut.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

I think you'll love it.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a feeling about Sarah.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Sarah Rue is. Is the girl. She plays my daughter and she's quite wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a talented. Is she thin now?

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

She just had a baby, so I don't know what she looks like.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. I feel like the chicks that have the baby and then snap back in the shape is no big deal anymore because everyone seems to be doing it. You know what I'm saying?

[Gina Grad]

How do they do it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but they just do it and it's no big whoop anymore. And Sarah Rue was from a TV.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Show that was called Dancing with the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Dancing with the Stars. No.

[Podcast Host]

All right, this is Adam Kolla Show 2403. Coming up next, we have Adam Kolla Show 2088 featuring French Stewart Dog, the Bounty Hunter, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. This one's from June of 2017.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me what you guys would do. I come over here on Friday. I have some cash on me and I'm sitting on this front table and I'm sorting it out. I'm sort of putting. Getting little piles of $20 bills and five dollar bills.

[Gina Grad]

Like Scrooge McDuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like Scrooge McDuck. Just like that. And I'm laying it all out on the table and I have. I have an envelope, one of those bankers envelopes, kind of about the size of a bill, just a little bit bigger, slides in. There's probably between 400 and 800 single $100 bills in this slip. And I'm sitting there and I'm counting that stuff and I'm putting it aside and I'm going to give some money to somebody and I'm working it out and I get up and I sort of go and I come back. I don't go away. I just go to the back of the Shop. I'm walking back and forth in front of the shop, and I've done this many times where there's been cash just sort of sitting out on the table. All of a sudden, I go and I sit down, and I come back into my entryway, and there's a crazy human being that is sitting where I'm sitting at my table. And I've since gathered up the money, some of the money, and put it in my pocket. But there's this crazy guy, and he's got books. And when I say crazy, I mean he's got schizophrenia something. He's Drew's next guest. And I can just tell by his hair and what's going on with him that he's not quite right. He's wearing a shirt that says bipolar on it, you know? Yeah. So he's wearing a bipolar shirt. And he looks a little. Looks a little nutty. So he then comes in and does the show, and he's doing the show, and he's in the middle of doing the show with Drew. And I'm packing my stuff off and pay Gary and get my stuff together. Not full tart, Gary, half tart. And I'm doing my thing, and I look around, I go, where's that envelope? And I'm very good with putting things sort of out in front of me. I put my sunglasses, my keys, my cell phone. Like I'm not the guy who carries the envelope. Goes to the back, climbs up the ladder to get my race gear down, sets it down, up top, and then comes back down and goes, where the hell is that thing? I keep stuff sort of in front of me, and I'm not a big dropper of things, so I'm like, where's my envelope with the 300, 400, $800 worth of single $100 bills in it? And I'm looking around, and I'm asking Matt and I'm asking Jeff Fox in the editing bay, and I'm asking everybody. No one's seen it. No one. I'm checking my pockets. Not my pockets. I go check the car. It's not in the car. I didn't go anywhere. I went to the other warehouse and came back, and it's not around. And I'm looking in the back, I'm looking everywhere. And I realized there was a guy who, you know, bipolar, little bit. Little bit nutty. And he was sitting where I was sitting with the money the whole time. So they're doing a show now. I don't know. I don't want to leave I'm assuming. I'm trying to be polite, that he gathered up his books and his papers and what he had laid out, maybe just gathered up my little envelope with it. So I come into the studio while they're in the middle of the show. And not only in the middle of the show, they're in the middle of a call. And not only in the middle of a call, some woman seems to have some problem with depression and addiction or something. And I do the, like, I gotta put a hand up thing. And they're, like, both looking at me like we're talking to somebody on the air. And I kind of do it off. And. Drew, give it a second. Hold on. Let's pause. He takes the headphones off. And I said, look, I'm not saying you stole my money, but there was some money that was out on that table, and I can't find it. And you were sitting there, and maybe when you gathered your stuff up, it just got kind of caught up in your book or the stuff you had. And he said, here's my book. Here's my thing. I got nothing. It's not here. Look, look, look. This is all I have. And I said, okay. It's just. I don't have it out there anymore. And I didn't really go anywhere. And I just thought maybe by mistake, somehow it got up in your stuff or something.

[Host or Producer]

Did you ask the other half of you? Did they ask him that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the other part of the body. Right. So I said. So he said, no, I didn't. I didn't see anything. I didn't see anything.

[Gina Grad]

Was he acting normal?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, he never acts normal, but he was like, I don't have. I don't have anything.

[Elliott Gould]

Eyes darting back and forth, you know, Normal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He said, I don't have anything. I'm sorry. I don't have anything. And I said, well, maybe it's in your books or something. He sort of spread it out and said, nah, this is it. That's all I got. You can check my jacket or something. And I said, nah, I don't know. Maybe it fell out my car or something. And then the show ended, and Dr. Drew did. One of my favorite, favorite things, which makes me want to fucking punch him, is I was sitting on the sofa, sitting. You remember? I said, drew has no emotional IQ whatsoever.

[Gina Grad]

Thick was the word you used.

[Adam Carolla]

Thick. I'm sitting on the sofa in the same place now, checking the seat cushions, looking at her. It's a. It's maybe $800 of cash. That's Gone now. And not only is it gone, I didn't lose it at a casino. It didn't fall out of my pocket. I didn't get chased down the street. Somebody. It was. I'm in my place where I own this building, and now it's gone. I want to know where this fucking cash is. So Drew comes walking in and he does this. I guess it was right after this or right before, but he comes in with a strapping, good looking guy and he says. Points at him while I'm sitting on the sofa. And he goes, you remember this guy? Sean Green, ex LA Dodger. And I said.

[Gina Grad]

You'Re laughing because you don't remember. Your thing is not remembering.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, something. And he's standing there above me, smiling. And I said. And he said, you remember this guy says it again real loud. And I go. And then I start yelling at Drew, no, I'm sorry, whoever you are. Sorry. No, I don't remember him. Why are you being a dick? Why are you fucking coming? Sorry. You person. Hold on. This isn't for you. This is for you. Drew, what the fuck are you doing? No, I don't remember him. Now this is uncomfortable. Are you happy? Are you happy? Because I don't remember. I don't know who this individual is. I have no contacts. I saw him last when we did this celebrity softball game in 2001. And he was a Dodger. He was wearing.

[Host or Producer]

First off, he was in a ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Cap and a white uniform. He never seen him out of a Dodger uniform. He played for the Dodgers from like, you know, 98 to 03 or something. I don't know what he looks like in street clothes. It's a guy wearing suits.

[Host or Producer]

It's the entire premise of why Clark Kent can live among us. Because he puts on a pair of glasses, he's not in the red and the blue uniform.

[Elliott Gould]

Same thing in Drew's mind. Is that why you should know him? Because he once played celebrity softball with him for an afternoon?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. He's so. She's so fucked up. I have no fucking idea. What years did he play? He remembered me coming out. All. All was immediately rectified and Drew and your name was dropped as well, Shaq. Because he came in and he said 2000 to 2004. So I met him in 2001. It's been a scant 12 years. And he was wearing a uniform. And now he's just standing in front of me. I have no fucking idea who this tan, good looking, athletically built guy is anyway. You Remember this guy? Like we hung. Like we went deep sea fishing last weekend or something. He's such a fucking asshole.

[Gina Grad]

At the very least, the assumption I would have would be that he was a guest or something. On loveliness, I just was looking at.

[Adam Carolla]

Him going, I mean, you can see a picture of the guy. When you see him, it's just like he looks sort of familiar, but he's good looking. He looks like he could be an actor. He's an actor or something. He's an athlete. Would anyone know? I mean, I met him 12 years ago.

[Host or Producer]

Could pass as Jim Caviezel. Star played Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all was set straight. Immediately though, he goes, I remember you from you and Kimmel coming out to Vero beach, trying out with the Dodgers. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. And he goes, tommy thought you could have been, could have made it to the show.

[Host or Producer]

Bring this up again.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, sheck goes nuts every time I say that. I said, listen, I know I have a sports guy at the time. Sheck would go insane every time he heard this, because God forbid a compliment be tossed my way.

[Host or Producer]

I'm happy for you to be complimented. But the delusion being indulged by this daft old man that you would actually. That you actually ran with and thought, like, yeah, maybe I should be playing big league ball is a little bit loco.

[Adam Carolla]

No. He said, if I got hold of you when you were 18 and threw you 100 curveballs a day, I could have got you to the show. That's all he's talking. Maybe he knows something about baseball. I don't know. Just ask Tommy. So immediately brought that up. So all was right with the world. So then he did the guest, and then the bipolar guy did the guest, and then everyone left. And then I said, drew, I think your bipolar guy may have taken some money from me and Drew. Because the world's dumbest doctor said, well, I don't know, maybe Shawn Green grabbed it somehow. And I said, no, no. Well, first off, I don't know why you're throwing Shawn Green under the bus.

[Elliott Gould]

He's.

[Host or Producer]

Because he's an anti Semite.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. I was sitting. I was sitting the whole time talking to Shawn Green. Sean was towering over me while I was trying to fucking figure out who he was and yelling at Drew in front of Shawn Green, which I don't care about. He deserves to be humiliated. Not that he can. It's possible for him to be humiliated, but he stood.

[Elliott Gould]

He's a multi millionaire. He took your 400 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he is. No, he's literally, how do you think.

[Gina Grad]

He has so much money?

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, good point.

[Adam Carolla]

He's driving the Tesla S. Anyone who's driving Tesla s has put 80 grand down, got on a waiting list two years ago, and received they're doing just fine for themselves, and he's the nicest guy in the world. And I stood up and walked him out. He never sat down. He never spread his stuff out. So I do that thing with Drew where I go, no, not Shawn Green. His thing is, not Shawn Green stole anything, but maybe Shawn Green set his stuff out and gathered it up by mistake. I said, no. Sean stood the whole time I sat, and then I walked him out and said bye to him. And he said, did that thing where he paused and he goes, maybe he got with some of his stuff. You know, when they go back to the retarded theory, like, I got to do one more lap around Retard park before my legs are tired. I said, I got a little more juice left in my quads to go one more lap around Retard Park. And I said, no, Drew, I was sitting here the whole time. So since then, is that an off leash park? Yes, yes. So since then, I said, it's been driving me nuts because I don't really think. I don't think of people as thieves. I really don't. On the other hand, the guy was sitting where I was sitting. There was an envelope with several hundred dollars sitting in it, and he had.

[Host or Producer]

A T shirt on that said bipolar. I think that maybe suggests he's unstable.

[Adam Carolla]

Later on, when I was telling, you know, Matt, I had do the look through the trash can, see if I got thrown away. Looked, look outside, see if somehow. Somehow got swept up and thrown out or something. Or maybe I took the bills out and threw away. The carcass of the envelope would be laying around if I just. Maybe I used all the bills and I somehow spaced out on it, but there would still be the envelope laying around. Couldn't find the envelope anywhere. So later on, I spoke to Gary or tonight when I was walking in, and Gary said that this gentleman had been convicted for what? High end art forgery?

[Host or Producer]

No, definitely Sean Green. Let's not take Shawn Green out of the equation gesture.

[Elliott Gould]

He's a person of interest.

[Adam Carolla]

He's still a person. Yeah, he's still up on the corkboard with a pin through him with a question mark. All right, so he's no stranger to thievery. At least on a higher end.

[Elliott Gould]

This Sean Green stole many home runs From.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, from opposing pitchers. So what. What do we. What are we working out of it? So what do we now what am I to conclude? There's really nothing to do except for yell more. Drew.

[Gina Grad]

Drew just did did he address whether he thought it was possible this guy could have done it or was he just focused on John Green?

[Adam Carolla]

Drew immediately went into sort of. Well, he didn't. He didn't, you know, kind of protection. Well, what he would do. He didn't. He wanted to avoid whatever was going on. I say Drew owes me $500. He brought a. He brought a fox into my hen house and I'm light some eggs. It's more See, for me it's never. It's really the few hundred bucks. Maybe it was 700, 800 bucks. I don't like having that removed from me. I don't like the part where I think I'm nuts. Like what happened away sitting here.

[Elliott Gould]

The money still has not been found.

[Adam Carolla]

No, absolutely not. The envelope with.

[Elliott Gould]

Aha.

[Adam Carolla]

The envelope and the money are gone. They remain gone. And that was days ago now.

[Gina Grad]

Could be any one of us couldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Really because we were here Friday fly through my mind. Oh, there were. Yeah. But some of the lower level guys were here post.

I've never.

[Gina Grad]

I've never trusted.

[Host or Producer]

They went into a spectacular feast at the seder table at John Green's home. So you'll be pleased to know that brisket as far as the eye could see and you know, bitter herbs and unleavened bread.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Roasted. Roasted. All right. Manna from heaven, everybody now gone. You want to help me make a little that money back? Audible.com baby. You support our fine sponsors like audible.com they support the show. I can make some of that envelope back. They have over 100,000 books to choose from, including not Taco bell material. And 50 years will all be chicks. Hey, those are my books. And they're offering you a free book. You can try them out for free. What do you do? You go to audible.comace that's audible.com ace. You get all the details and yeah, give me some of that money back. That's audible.com Ace Halftime. Gary. Is there any other explanation for where this money went? It's not just the money. It was an envelope. The envelope is gone. There's no empty envelope. There's no envelope in the trash can. The only other person in the building was Sonny. I don't see Santino taking 800 bucks. No, Sonny wasn't here. Sonny wasn't here. That Day. But he does. Yeah, he was. He's light with the finger.

[Host or Producer]

He was here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Was he here? 100%. And he noticed the money and made a comment about it.

[Host or Producer]

But the other guy. Seriously?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't really want to bring this up until we were on air, but. Whoa.

[Gina Grad]

Plot thickens.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a second.

[Gina Grad]

This makes Natalia stand stealing 40. Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

That little raccoon was running around here.

It's just a waste of my time.

Untethered. Oh, he made a comment about the money on the table.

[Host or Producer]

Get him on the phone.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I was just thinking that.

[Adam Carolla]

I checked that backpack. He did steal the 40. He stole the 40.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, so he has a history of.

[Adam Carolla]

Crime as well and did a little counterfeit art stuff in the 80s. Yeah, not a lot. Mostly monetary. Yeah. Yeah, right. All right, let's see if we can get Sonny on the.

[Host or Producer]

What happens then? What happens if he is. What if he is the culprit?

[Adam Carolla]

I owe two people an apology. I'm one person. Is two people an apology? Number one, not Shawn Green and the bipolar guy, but just both. The bipolar guy. Yeah. Call Lynette. I gotta talk to it.

[Host or Producer]

It is a great scheme, though. For the record, I might get myself one of them bipolar T shirts just to walk around and it's always an excuse. Dr. Drew, professionals are never gonna charge you. Crime wasn't. We saw that played out in the Ed Norton picture, right? With Richard Gere.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

Trial fair.

[Host or Producer]

Is that. Is that what it was called?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Better yet, to be a light fingered six year old and bring in the stooge with the. With the bipolar shirt to sit down where daddy was counting the do re mi. Is this any question he slides into the studio and you.

[Host or Producer]

This is interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna have to work this out. Oh, Gary.

[Host or Producer]

So what do you have in your brain? Is it too soon to start conjuring what the repercussions will be for young Sonny?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm such a horrible punisher. Plus, if you leave a whole stack of money on the table in front of people who. He's done the toy, you know, he's done the transformer robot versus the green paper stuff. That. Daddy brings home math very, very quickly. So there's.

[Host or Producer]

If he can cut out the middleman, he figures. Yeah, namely you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Host or Producer]

And the Transformers will run free.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. I feel like someone would have found it in the wash by now or something. All right, well, we'll see if we can.

[Gina Grad]

What were the circumstances of him stealing the 40?

[Adam Carolla]

I was a 40 ouncer. I'm sorry. That wasn't money. Well, I mean, it cost Daddy $7. Yeah, and I shouldn't have left it on the roof of the car.

[Elliott Gould]

Car, but lesson learned.

[Adam Carolla]

It just. You know what. What happens is Daddy comes home, empties Daddy's pockets out onto the, you know, stand, nightstand, whatever. And there's some change and some bills and some keys and some stuff like that. And every once in a while, it just shows. We found 40 in his backpack. Oh, yeah, so he didn't. He should have laundered it with some Ninjago toys, which is normally his plan. Now we're gonna try to find this out. All right, can we get him on the phone? Gary? No. No answer.

[Elliott Gould]

Cut the wires, getaway.

[Adam Carolla]

Do what I do when I'm on the road, which is call 10,000 times in a row. That's what I'm doing. And then have that conversation where you go. Look, I call in between shows at about 8 o' clock your time to say bye to kids. And. And I always like this answer. The phone was in the room with us, like. All right, well, then, now we need a CAT scan because I called 21 times between 8 and 814 your time when I was doing my shows from the east coast and nobody picked up the phone.

[Host or Producer]

He's in a white Bronco making for the Mexican border. Natalia's driving the car. He's sitting in the backseat. He's got a disguise. That does not mean he's guilty.

[Elliott Gould]

But you know who this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. NC's driving.

[Host or Producer]

Hey, by the way, real quick, Sean Green, do you still play? Remember what was that seven years ago now? Same name game. You still play? Same name game. How. What were the rules of that? Sean Green, the baseball player. Sean Green spelled completely differently. The New York jets running back. How about that? Same name game.

[Adam Carolla]

Both professional athletes, though, but they're two pretty different characters. Look, it's a four. Let's take it. You got to stand up. Single.

[Host or Producer]

I'm doing better than usual. In that case.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Now, Sonny, in 90 seconds, what's our strategy? I don't think we ask, I think we tell them. You know what I mean?

[Host or Producer]

I feel uncomfortable infringing on your parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a situation I pay somebody to parent. A small armor of people I employ to parent.

[Host or Producer]

Well, I already have my hands full. Let's let.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, I'm wondering what is the best way to get the answer out of a 6 year old?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you asked.

[Elliott Gould]

I think you say, we found something. I think you may have taken it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I don't know.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Freaking hear it. Sonny.

Hi, dad.

Hi, Sonny. Hey, Sonny. Remember the other day when you came to the shop with Daddy?

Yeah.

And Daddy was counting his money on the table? Yeah. Daddy's missing some of his money, and I know that you took some of that money and Daddy needs it back.

Okay, I take it.

Don't lie to Daddy, Sonny.

Dad, I'm not.

Daddy's missing money from the table and Daddy needs it back.

Wait, I have a question for you.

Yes?

Know when you put the money in the white thing?

Yeah.

Did you look in there?

[Elliott Gould]

Spoiled again.

[Adam Carolla]

Did I look into the white envelope?

Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm missing that, Sonny.

Well, did you look on the other page, on the other place where you. The other place where you took all the other money?

I looked all over, and I think maybe by mistake you may have taken it with you. So I need you to find it for me.

Okay, I'll try to find him. I don't think I took it.

Well, wait a minute. Now you don't think you took it? What the hell was that? Holy shit. Look, it could be worse. It could be in the fire. This has gone horribly wrong. I'm raising a thief. Or Olga is. Oh, yeah, Olga. Oh, I'm gonna have some coffee. She's the one.

[Host or Producer]

She's the mastermind. She's the one that needs to be taken to task.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, when I pay you to raise my son, part of that money goes to teach him between right and wrong. Do you understand me, you witch?

You're wasting my time now.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, that was Brian. Oh, sure. Everyone does. Sonny, you there? All right, Sonny, I need you to find that envelope with the money, okay? Now, the good news is there's a reward.

About what?

Shiny, shiny metal money. Shiny, round metal money is what you're gonna get when you give me my little envelope back with the boring, worthless, dirty green paper money.

Okay? How much is it?

How much is the reward?

Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

The negotiations have begun.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have put one of those explosive dye packs in there.

If I make it a hundred dollars.

All right, now listen to me. Daddy's angry. I want that money back. Do you understand me? Yes. All right, now you go find it. Where is it? Go find it right now.

Okay, I'll try to find it.

Where did you hide it?

I didn't hide it, dad.

Go find it. Go find it. Give it to Mommy. Go find it. Go find that envelope and give it to Mommy. Okay, give it to Mommy. Count it first. Count it, then give it to. Mommy.

Eyes are tearing up.

Well, listen, Mommy, I think. Tell him to fly.

Well, what happened?

Well, there was money. All right, I don't know. In podcast history, I don't know what happened. There was money on the table. I was counting the money on the table.

At home?

No, here at the shop. Sonny had commented on the money on the table. Then Drew brought in an insane person he met on Twitter. That person was sitting where I. After I got up and walked to the back of the shop, I found the insane person sitting where I was sitting. Then the money was missing. I assumed the insane adult had taken it, but I didn't know that. Your son.

That's Olga's son. How dare you.

Sorry. You and Olga's son could have engaged in such behavior that I did not know. Now, he commented on the money, and he also commented on the envelope. Mm. That envelope may be somewhere.

[Host or Producer]

It's a red flag.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Host or Producer]

A white envelope.

[Adam Carolla]

Red flag.

[Host or Producer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

I don't think he took it.

[Gina Grad]

Well, could he have been a witness? Did he see the insane?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't.

Does that anything?

Don't ask.

He said no, he didn't take it.

What's he gonna say when he. When we found the 40 on him? He said he was keeping it safe.

Yeah, but he tells me the truth.

No, don't.

[Host or Producer]

He's a criminal mastermind. This lie is nothing to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, these guys are so sick. Look, tell him to walk you upstairs and to take you to the envelope, all right?

Do you want to be on the phone for that?

Yes. If he takes you to the envelope, he won't be. Hey, stop telling him he didn't take it, though.

I'm not saying anything. He's telling me what he did. You left it there and what?

There.

And opened the black Transformer. And opened the black transformer toy. You did not take the money. I didn't take the money. He said he didn't take it. Adam, go.

Go upstairs. Go to where he hides. All right? I'll tell you What. Pump about 1000 cc's of sodium pentothal in him. I keep it in my underwear drawer.

I'll text Gary back with the answer.

But I'll tell him. Tell him to take you to where he put the money.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

But don't keep saying you didn't take it, did you? No, No, I won't pretend like he took it. Would you, please? All right. Thank you. Thank you. I wish you weren't a liar.

[Host or Producer]

That was emotionally traumatizing for you. My heart goes out to you, Adam. But I think you handled that beautifully.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. Well, thank you. All right, mothers.

[Host or Producer]

That's what they do as a rule. This is weekend. Little Jean Claude Van Damask just started baseball. Four years old. Too young, probably. But he got there and he started crying.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to go home. I want to go home.

[Host or Producer]

I said, that's not an option. You can't go home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I want to go home. Mama says I get.

[Host or Producer]

You know that you leave the door open. It's not an option to leave. It's not up to you whether you stay or go.

[Adam Carolla]

Now.

[Host or Producer]

Same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Same with the Getting on the roller coaster. The Matterhorn. When we went to Disneyland, Sonny broke down and started to do the. I went and Lynette looked into teary eyes and said, you don't. And I. You have to go. And then it's Mama, Daddy, square down, and the not so okay Corral going on to the Matterhorn. Because I'm like, let's. Let's do it. And they're giving the. Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

In the Meh Corral.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute. I gotta get that. Let me try it again. Try it again.

[Elliott Gould]

In the Meh Corral with the nuts. Okay.

[Host or Producer]

I like not so okay.

[Elliott Gould]

I'd get my vote. Okay, I'm sorry, buddy, but the okay.

[Host or Producer]

Corral is a thing. What's the Mac Corral?

[Elliott Gould]

That would be a synonym for the not so.

[Adam Carolla]

Who would pick that up?

[Host or Producer]

Nobody would know what you're talking about. You have to hear, like.

[Elliott Gould]

Wait, what did you say?

[Host or Producer]

Did you say mad? The not so okay Corral. Now, that.

[Elliott Gould]

Sorry, I thought Meh was a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Meh. Well, yeah, but it's not connected to.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, it's not so okay Corral.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Host or Producer]

It's three steps too far for anyone to follow that.

[Elliott Gould]

It really is.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. All right. Allison, did you get that?

[Gina Grad]

I didn't get it. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Oh, for three. And then the 350,000 people.

[Host or Producer]

Sean Green. And Sean Green was better than the Matt Corral.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a 4 and a minus 4. Look out world taking over the comedy world.

[Podcast Host]

All right, that's adam Carla Show 1042. The infamous letter with Sonny so long ago. Come next, we have Adam Carolla Show 1704, featuring Donnie Deutch, J.L. calvin, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This one's from November of 2015.

[Adam Carolla]

I always say this. I just want to put my idea into your head. That's it. I happen to like this the best because I think it's the most effective way for me to penetrate your ear. Hymen.

[Elliott Gould]

It's more efficient than the grassroots version. We just tap people on the shoulder and tell individually your ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

TV books and things like that. Yes. Flyers on windshields, things like that. Just don't have as high a batting average. It's just the straight, pure, lined audio. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you, Nan Balbryan.

[Gina Grad]

You can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. True. Easy now. Salty language. All right. Oh, boy, did I have a fucking odyssey with the smoke detector. First off, as a device that's put in place to save your life. Why is there a range from super advanced to just. This was $4. Like, and it's a piece of weird plastic that you just stick on your ceiling for $4. Like, there is a crazy fucking smoke detector range.

[Elliott Gould]

There is, but they all do the job ostensibly right. They all beep when there's smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the problem.

[Elliott Gould]

Like, you're not spending the money to save your life more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I'll give you a real good example. So I moved into a house, and sort of, by law, it's like one of those things, you have to yank the toilets and put the low volume ones in. And then you must have a smoke detector and three rooms, something of that nature. So, of course, when you tell the person who's selling the house, hey, here's what you gotta do. You get the cheapest fucking toilet and you get the cheapest smoke detector you can find and slap it up so you can check the box.

[Brian Bishop]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

I had one going off in what I would call Lynette's room. Lynette has a sort of office Y room thing that's off of my. Yeah, off of my. I don't call it lady cave. Because there's some confusion.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Was hanging out in my gal's lady cave. Yeah, you were. It was a little musty in there. No shit. You gotta crack a window every once in a while. So trim the hedges. So I was. I was in there and I, you know, I was hearing the beep. Beep. The low battery beep. So I did the move. Where it's always unclear how you pop them off their perch, pushing up and twisting. It seems to be there was just out of reach of what you can get.

[Elliott Gould]

Are you always terrified you're gonna set it off even more?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm always.

[Elliott Gould]

Every time I fiddle with a thing, whether I place a battery or I'll take the top off, I'm always afraid, well, this is gonna set it off for good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this one requires no battery. It shall not Accept the battery. It's not hardwired. It just has an internal battery that when it's done, it's done. And it's such a marvelous device that it lasted all of nine weeks before it was time to go. So you pull it off. You twist it and pull it off. And underneath it is just a big paper sticker with writing that is so miniature that the guys who do calligraphy on grains of rice would throw their hands up in disgust and go, no, I can't do it.

[Elliott Gould]

Not this.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I literally. I was like, I got my glasses out. It's a thou. There's never been more verbiage onto something the size of a glass coaster you've ever seen in your life. I mean, it's a circle that's literally five inches around, and there's an Encyclopedia Britannica on there. And I'm looking at it, and it's.

[Elliott Gould]

Like all it boiled down to was, you're fucked.

[Adam Carolla]

You're fucked.

[Elliott Gould]

Buy a new one.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is the battery? And there's a little miniature super unsatisfying switch. It's plastic that does more flexing than it does moving. So you're not sure if you've moved it into the A position or B position. But I moved it. Okay. I think I shut it off. No. Oh, no, it's still going. Finally, I just go, does it take a battery? Where's the battery? Well, turns out there's just a sticker on the back of it. And then turn around the front. You always do this one. There's that thing that you push, and then it scares the shit out of you because it tests. It beeps in front of you. So I just go. Eventually, I go, oh, fuck it. And I just go put it in this booze closet off of my room and shut the door. And it's like, it's going to go off. And I take some booze. I'm like, if it's going to go off, it's going to go off. I'll be over here getting drunk. I'll turn the TV up. Three or four nights later, the other one goes off. The other piece of shit in the hallway goes off. I pull it off, and this time I hand it to Lynette and I go, read this thing. I can't. Does this thing take a battery? And it's like, no, it does not take a battery. Okay. Is there any way to stop it from doing the low battery chirp? Well, no, because there's no battery to replace, and there's no switch that Switches it off on the back of it. So I then again take it and go put it in the closet next to the other one.

Join your friend.

I think there is a weird switch. I'm not sure what it does. Didn't seem to do much, but I put in the closet and it drowned it out. Bring it in here so we can.

[Elliott Gould]

Take a look at it.

[Adam Carolla]

I might, but I'm gonna. It's gonna have to be. There's gonna be more than one trip because it's a wheelbarrow fold. I then started hearing it go from the closet and I just thought, I want this thing to shut. But it doesn't have a place where I can drop in a Phillips head screwdriver and undo it or pull the battery out. It's contained. It's completely contained and sealed. It's a $7 thing that has a battery in it that's supposed to last five years. But this thing has been sitting in a fucking warehouse in Bangkok for fucking four years in 11 months. And then it got delivered to my house. I think that's what happened. There's no exposed wires, no anything. There's nothing cut. So it's just. It's a shitty. It's. I don't know. Gary will find. I don't know. If you just tweet. If you just Google in the cheapest, you know, cheap, you know, battery.

[Elliott Gould]

Gary, Google's. At Google Adams fire detector.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, it's a smoke detector where the battery can't be changed, but it's not hardwired. That's the one you're going to need to. So I literally put it in the sink and drown it. Like, I'm like, I'm just going to bury it in water. I'll treat it like a bomb or something. I'm going to short circuit it and it just starts.

[Elliott Gould]

Have you start Fatal Attraction.

[Adam Carolla]

It starts.

[Elliott Gould]

That thing's coming back to you.

[Adam Carolla]

It starts chirping again. And now it's doing this low volume chirp. But it's still enough to bother me. And at a certain point, because I just get pissed off, I literally just take both of them open the front door and just chuck them out under the driveway. I just throw them out in the front steps. And it's raining outside. I'm like, let them just sit out there and just chirp. Make their very. They're not doing the low battery chirp at this point. They're doing a disgruntled employee chirp. Like, I don't know about this guy. It's Not a. Hey, boss. God damn it. Over here. You'll know it when you turn it around, Gary. It'll.

[Elliott Gould]

This one's $15.99.

[Host or Producer]

It has a self contained lithium ion.

[Adam Carolla]

Battery that can't be replaced. Does it have a big, huge paperback on it with a thousand words?

Yes, it does.

Yes, it. Yeah, it's close enough.

It's like Sanskrit.

There's nothing mine had. Mine is cheaper than this one, Gary. Lower profile and has more words on it that circumnavigate the entire back of this thing. So you can check that out. But. But it's going to be more in the $8 range either way. I just go.

[Elliott Gould]

Next week's Lord of the Jungle.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck it. It's going outside and I just throw them outside. And it's raining.

[Elliott Gould]

Could that bother the neighbors?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not doing the full chirp. It's doing. I'm worried. I'm thinking about the neighbors. It's down to this weird sort of. It's doing this thing that's enough to bother me, but it's not the full blast, low battery, high decibel chirp. So I throw it out and I just throw it outside. I'm like, look, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna throw it out. I'll throw it out. Tomorrow morning. It's raining outside. Lynette, Natalia, are off at some play. Sonny and I are watching the Seahawks game. And there it is. It's. It'll be sitting by the front. Front door. And of course, at 5:00am this morning, I'm awoken by what is now the full chirp. Oh, it's back now. It's back now, the full chirp. And it was just like. And it's outside, but I can hear it pretty fucking clearly. And so can Lynette.

I'm no mechanic or electrician, but that sounds haunted. Have you looked into that? Maybe an exorcist?

I gave it a fucking exorcism. Okay. I said okay. All right. And poor Lynette had no idea what was going on. Like, why are they out on the front porch? I thought you put them in the closet.

[Elliott Gould]

5Am is no time to have that discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Elliott Gould]

Why? They're out there.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And it's fucking freezing. And it's 5am and it wakes Lynette up first, and then it wakes me up. And then we both get up and we go out and now we're outside and we get the fucking thing and it's now chirping loudly and I'm holding it And I don't know what the fuck to do with this thing anymore. But I have a sink and that sink is one of the cast iron variety with the ceramic coating on it. Like old school 60s, old timey, not, not newfangly farmer sink and not stainless steel sink, but the fucking ones that would weigh 200 pounds.

[Elliott Gould]

Farmhouse sink.

[Adam Carolla]

I just take one of these things. Yeah, but not the new cool ones.

[Elliott Gould]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Those are trying to get iron ones. And I just fucking take it and I fucking stand back and I chuck it as hard as I can inside the sink and it breaks into a million pieces and then, then does this novelty cartoon and I just fucking pick it up and I fucking chuck it again. Like there was nothing more viscerally satisfying. Like I was yelling, yes, I threw it and it smashed and say, I'm sure the house is on fire right now. But I just threw it in there. And like it still went like the.

[Elliott Gould]

End of old chirp. The end of old chirper.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything busted open. And I could still see the battery and the little light, like flickering like. Like in a movie when the robot is killed. It's always so fake because it's laying there and it's like, I love you, you know, it's like that's not how it would work. It would just stop working, you know? But this is how this thing, it was like groaning for its life. And then I took the other one and I threw it at it and I just fucking. It didn't do anything the first time. And I picked it up and chucked it again.

You killed it with its friend.

Fucking killed both of them. Fucking A detector on detector crime.

Well, if you want to go even cheaper than that, why don't you just hang a Jiffy Pop up and you'll.

Know when you smell popcorn.

The house might be on fire.

I'm just saying. First off, these ones where you can't replace the battery, that's crazy. But they give a chirp that has a low battery, which means throw me away. But I'm not sure how we're supposed to get rid of you when you won't stop your chirping.

[Elliott Gould]

Do you replace the face?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is. You replace the entire unit.

[Elliott Gould]

That's what I mean. Like the whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And probably the mount, unless you get another one that you're stupid enough to get the exact same model. But I mean, it's basically saying I'm $7.59, throw me away.

[Elliott Gould]

That's so silly, because in the same time it'll take for the battery to die. You could have bought. Got a.

[Adam Carolla]

You could have gotten one that needed a 9 volt.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, 90 cent battery is what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but then we wouldn't have had this story.

[Elliott Gould]

No, I'm not saying. Adam. Saying this would be foolish for some people. Yeah, you're right. This ultimately robbed us of this story also.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Elliott Gould]

Thank you, cheap helm owner.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of. They should kind of be illegal because the hardwired ones are fine and the battery ones are fine. This is going to require either me or Lynette to get off our collective asses and go replace it. See, when it's sitting on the kitchen counter and the backs popped off and somebody says, I got to get a 9 volt next time I go to the supermarket, that's on your radar. This is gone, daddy, gone. And somebody's going to have to think, I got to go buy one. Not I need a battery, but I got to go buy one.

Go to a hardware store.

[Elliott Gould]

Is this likely? Okay, you said they had to put it in to sell the house. As a regulation, they have to have this. And the low flow toilets. Do you think this was pulled off of some other property, like one that already existed? Because a new item should not be doing this nine months in or nine weeks in or whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

They both went south. Here's why I'm going to say no. There's literally. It cannot be more than $7 for this item, number one. So the. The time of removal and replacement is not even worth it, number one. Number two, I suspect this shit sits on a shelf. That's also true for a long period of time. And then it comes in anyway. All right. I gotta tell you, baby, if you're running the heat at night and you got some kids. Carbon monoxide, I've had the poisoning before. It's the easiest way to go. It's why everyone used to take themselves out in the garage that way with the garden hose.

[Elliott Gould]

How does it happen with the heat?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, ask Venus Garyolitis.

[Elliott Gould]

I understand that it happens. I mean, what happens that causes the poison?

[Adam Carolla]

What happens is something goes wrong in the system. I mean, you have a system where there's a fire burning in a sheet metal box that is up against the side of your house or up in your attic or whatever it is. Something goes wrong with the venting somehow something gets clogged or whatever, whatever, mechanically goes wrong, goes wrong, and this thing starts venting back into the system or in your house because you turn the heat on and because you're asleep. You just go more sleep. You just kind of go Michael Jackson. It's like, it's this sort of thing where it's like if you're walking around at noon and you went like, wow, man, I feel nauseous or lightheaded or what's going on. Like you'd open a door, like, I get some fresh air. But. But you're asleep. You just go further to sleep. It's like if somebody had an IV where you didn't even feel the prick of the needle go into you and they did it in the middle of the night. That's that. That's what happens with carbon monoxide, all that.

[Podcast Host]

All right, that was adam Kulish Show 2088. Coming up next, we have Adam Coulis Show 895. Featuring. Featuring Dave Hill, Suzy Essman, Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how everything, and mostly little things, but especially unnecessary things bother me.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd heard the Harper Valley PTA song a million times. I got it on my iPhone. And it's just a funny novelty song. And it was done in the early 70s. And it's done about a. Supposed to be a true story. And it's about that she's singing it. It's the daughter. And the daughter went home. You can find me the date, Find me the anything on this song, please. The daughter went home and she was in trouble at school because she was wearing like a miniskirt or something. Trollope. Right. And her mom went in. 0:68. And her mom went in and instead of like apologizing or saying, my daughter wear a longer skirt or whatever it is, went and socked it to the Harper Valley pta.

[Gina Grad]

Elise Keaton did that on Family Time. Really socked it, like with her fist or with words.

[Adam Carolla]

Elise Keaton punched someone more powerful with words. Yeah. Mm. Who sings this song, please?

Who had a teenage daughter who attended Harper Valley Junior.

The household name Jeannie C. Riley afternoon and didn't even stop to play.

And she said, mama got a note here from the Harper Valley.

And for some reason, like 10 years later, they decided to make a TV series out of it. Oh, I guess they're talking about her. That genius Sherwood Schwartz did the, did the show. That fountain of creativity. I can't believe he's using a 10 year old country song. He had so many original ideas, you know, like, like the Globetrotters playing robots on Gilligan's Island.

And they were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson wore her mini skirt into the room.

Oh, yeah. So she's going to show them.

And as she walked up to the blackboard, I can still recall the words.

She had to say.

She said, I'd like to address this meeting off the Harper Valley pta.

All right, now, here's where I start to have a problem. Listen to the names.

Well, there's Bobby Taylor sitting there, and seven times he's asked me for a date.

So we got Taylor, and Mrs. Taylor.

Sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he's away.

Now we got the Taylor family. What does that mean? She likes to drink, She plays rugby, and she gets beaten up pretty good.

And shouldn't W. Jones be told to keep her when the shades all pull completely down?

So we got Jones, Taylor and Baker. Now, listen.

Well, Mr. Harper couldn't.

[Gina Grad]

Is it his Valley?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on now. You gotta stop it. Mr. Harper. Yeah. You're socking into the Harper Valley PTA. Are you plumb out of names? Are you out of fake names? It's not. They don't rhyme anything with Harper.

[Gina Grad]

No, Taylor, Baker, Jones and Harper. At the Harper Valley pta.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they do? Sit around and write the song and go, I'm just out of last names.

[Elliott Gould]

I'm thinking she got it wrong in the singing and refused another take. She probably had Harper on the brain and just said Harper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

No one would write that it was originally Schlossberg.

[Adam Carolla]

Mrs. Fagenbaum. But seriously, you. Okay, you have a song that takes place in Harper Valley? Harper is a last name, a fairly popular last name, but there's also several thousand other fairly popular last names from which to choose from. And you can't pull one more out of your ass. You get Taylor and Baker and Jones. This his valley.

If you smell Shirley Thompson's breath, you'll find she's had a little nipple jam.

[Gina Grad]

And where's Shirley Thompson coming from?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is just a little Peyton Place. And you're all Harper family hypocrites.

[Elliott Gould]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is they're not a human being. At that recording session. You can turn it down. There's not. At the recording session that goes. Perhaps we should just call Mr. Johnson or Jackson or something. What do we got here? Taylor, Baker, Jones. Thompson. But I feel like between the eight of us, we could come up with a fifth name. We could do that.

[Gina Grad]

Taylor.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, Taylor's on the list.

[Gina Grad]

Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, Jones is on. We got to come up with a Baker.

[Elliott Gould]

How about.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's okay. Hold on a second, Sheila, you're naming names that we already have. We have to come up with another Name, but it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so it's easy. We just. You Baker. Well, what's your last name?

[Gina Grad]

Baker.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit.

[Elliott Gould]

How about Valley?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. God damn it.

[Elliott Gould]

That's not in the name already.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck. What's your last name?

[Elliott Gould]

Wasn't given one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sh. You're in your Baker.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Stu Hendershot]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Let's ask the engineer. Stu, what's your last name?

[Stu Hendershot]

Dude, Carl. Oh, you said last name.

[Adam Carolla]

I said Stu. It's Stu.

[Doug Benson]

Carl.

[Adam Carolla]

What's your last name?

[Stu Hendershot]

Hendershot.

[Adam Carolla]

Stu. Hold on. Get the other engineer on. Carl. Carl, get on here. Dude, what's your last name? Thompson. Fuck. God damn it. This has been a wonderful reenactment toss. You didn't know where I was heading there, huh?

[Stu Hendershot]

I'm not really good at improv.

[Adam Carolla]

No shit. Toss your ass right out of the fucking ground.

[Gina Grad]

Goodbye, Hendershot. Goodbye, Stu. Carl Hendershot.

[Stu Hendershot]

I just thought it was just a name that wouldn't work in the song.

[Adam Carolla]

Hear Where We're Going.

[Elliott Gould]

End shot wasn't bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't that bad. My point is, they couldn't come up with a fifth name. They had to go with Harper. Jesus Christ. And if they're going to go with.

[Gina Grad]

Harper, then make the song something other. Valley. Oh, Harper in the song.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point. That's a good point. Sheila, what valley did you grow up in?

[Gina Grad]

Baker. No, Jones. Jones or Baker. Thompson Valley. It's one of those. It's one of the common names in this town.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it has to be Harper for some reason. But anyway, it bothered me. Bothered the shit out of me. And I'm still bothered. And now I want answers. I want answers. So, Brian, you would say that it was not written as Harper.

[Elliott Gould]

That's my guess.

[Adam Carolla]

She was just doing it. And if it was written. If it was written, somebody would have seen it went. Now it's the same name. Like, does he own the Valley?

[Elliott Gould]

My wacky theory is that she's in the moment. She's a singer. She's got Harper Valley PTA on the brain. She said Mr. Harper and supposed to say Mr. Johnson. And they tried to get her to do another take and she refused.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. All right, all right. Johnson would have been in good name there.

[Gina Grad]

I like Brian's idea. I don't think that's what happened. That seems too far fetched. I think that they're just a bunch of tards.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Or Harper Valley. Paper grits.

[Gina Grad]

They're just a little paint place.

[Adam Carolla]

There.

[Elliott Gould]

It is Kelly's Bar.

[Adam Carolla]

To use that name.

[Stu Hendershot]

It is very possible that Mr. Harper was, like, just the rich guy in town. And the school is named after the Valley. The school, Everything's named after him.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be related, though.

[Gina Grad]

He hangs out at Kelly's Bar.

[Stu Hendershot]

But that's maybe the point she's trying to make. Even the guy who the school's named after spent too long at the bar, so he can't be here today.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Could very well be. All right. Thanks for the two shits on my point. It's just one, Duke. All right, where the hell were we? Comedian Dave Hill is here. He's.

[Gina Grad]

Dave Hill's in a band.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Which is named for this.

[Gina Grad]

Valley Lodge, actually. I hope that I got the name right, so maybe he'll have some insight into this. Yes, Valley Lodge.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Hill would have been an easy name. Yes, that's easy. Just one syllable. Very popular. There you go. Well, you love Dave.

[Gina Grad]

Let's bring him in.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's take a break. We'll bring Dave in and we'll do a little news with Dave.

[Stu Hendershot]

Be sure and check out some of the other shows on Corolla ditch [e-mail]. Available now from Corolla Digital Basic Cable. Commentary Showgirls with special guest Huel Hauser.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thank you, Adam. I'm very excited to see a movie about some girls who put on a show.

[Stu Hendershot]

Listen in while Adam and Dana Gould as Huell HAUSER Watch the 1994 classic Showgirls.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you missed a very erotic scene. What's happening in the movie now? Well, there's a black man and she's on his lap and she's gyrating and they're kissing deeply. Oh, I've got the dry heat.

[Stu Hendershot]

Just download the track and play it along with your copy of the movie. Only $1.99 on iTunes or at the [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we's back. Dave Hill in studio. Dave, good to see you. Thanks for having me. The book Tasteful Nudes, available as we speak. Am I looking up here? And Amazon. And hey, if you're going to Amazon, go through AdamCurl.com buy Dave's book and click on through the Amazon banner. Dave also has a podcast, Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident, that's available on itunes as well and the website Dave hillonline. Let's talk. Oh, you guys, you're a frequent contributor to American Life, which I love this American Life. Oh, thank you. What's not to like about that? You know what I mean, it's a great program. Yeah. It's simple, but it shows that I think we're wired. Like, no matter how much we crave things exploding and people getting stabbed and video games where you're taking people's heads off swords, something just about the theater of the mind with the stories that are told is somehow better. Yeah. Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

It's a journey. And then you end up at the end and you're like, oh, yeah, that was pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Ira Glass, by the way, is coming in this Wednesday, by the way, and he's not worn SAP. Right. That's a different you dude. Because we have Warren Sapp coming up. But I don't know if that was a typo or something. That's a different guy. Not the same guy. That sounds different. How many Pro bowl years did Ira have over Tampa Bay? Or is that a different. We talking about a different dude, different guy.

[Elliott Gould]

That was a rebuilding year for.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is totally weird.

[Elliott Gould]

He's coming in next week.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, SAP's coming in. I mean, Glass is coming in Irish. Sapp's coming in next week. Yeah. He's out of control. God, I was on stage with that guy at Caroline's, and it's the only time I've actually been frightened on stage. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's fucking out of hand.

[Elliott Gould]

He's a loose cannon.

[Gina Grad]

Why can't he keep his pants on?

[Adam Carolla]

Because he's drunk and he's hung like a black rhino, and he's got a.

[Elliott Gould]

Dingle dingle you could skip rope with.

[Adam Carolla]

I met. He'll be the first one to tell you. No, no, not just. I'm talking double Dutch. Not just your basic. Not last night, but the night before. I mean, pure, young black child. Double Dutch.

[Gina Grad]

Cradle with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you. He introduced me to his wife, and there's a moment when we were backstage at Caroline's and he just went in the bathroom, just started destroying it. I mean, literally, I could hear porcelain being broken. I mean, just took a fucking. It's like he had a sledgehammer. I think he did. He has a sledgehammer for right hand. And he just started tearing the place up like a rock band. Yeah. And I just turned to her and I said, I am sorry. Sorry. Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

I mean, I think she's living a nightmare.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, all you can do is try to stay on this good side. Yeah. And the night she comes home drunk, you just. You just pull those covers over your head. That's it. You sleep in the bathtub, lock yourself in the bathroom. That fucking guy's out of control. That's. I mean, yeah, all those public radio. Garrison Keiller. Yeah. Oh, oh, Terry Gross. She needs to be 5150'd I mean, she fucking instituted. She's out of control speedballs. She comes in here, I get a fucking taser and some pepper spray. Has she been here? No, she's not. No, she's not welcome here. She's not welcome here. Yeah, I've heard enough. I've heard enough stories. She gets transported like Hannibal Lecter. We speak to her through Lexan. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

And even then, you don't feel safe.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, when you're in Utah or Detroit, it's hard to explain to people about, you know, four million dollar fixer uppers, but yep, they do.

[Elliott Gould]

No, I mean the.

[Adam Carolla]

Even just the grout work alone on that place was like 200 grand. Yeah, I think at least 200 grand worth of sponge trialing. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Is that a special kind of grout or just the way it's applied, sanded? Okay, here's the thing you might not know about Dave Hill. He's not just your average comedian author who also plays in a band. He's super duper good at guitar. Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. I'm pretty sure. Really? That sound like shit.

[Gina Grad]

No, well, I mean, but like that. But the good version.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, whatever. The good version of it. Well, let's. Can we find some of you, you know, going to town YouTube videos of.

[Gina Grad]

You, you know, you shredding. Say a name of them or something and then someone can probably pull it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a few of them I could pull up. Are you doing your own thing or hopefully covering Hocus Pocus by Focus that. Well, we do like a lot of Atlanta Rhythm Section. Oh, no. I am so into you. I don't know what. Why I thought of that. Well, listen, if you can think of Phylicia Rashad, you can think of anything. When am I not thinking decent points? Yeah. So you did not get laid in high school, but then got a ton of pussy in college? Because there needs to be a point when you're not getting laid so you can learn to play the guitar really well. And then a place where there's an avalanche of pussy later on once you learn. I would say the avalanche was even after college. You're still honing your craft in college? Oh, yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

I mean, I think I was afraid to. I mean, by the time I was 20, I decided this is going horribly. I will never even try to kiss a girl again.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to wait until she tries. And so it's actually worked out.

[Gina Grad]

Had you struck out fantastically or something?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Elliott Gould]

All it took is one girl that.

[Adam Carolla]

I had already kissed and then we were like talking for a really long. Still friends with her. I feel like you could have sex with Moby and not be gay like you. That would just be evolved. You know what I mean? Like, people go like, you'd go like, fence about this one. Well, like, if someone would say, like, hey, man, I was butt fucking this dude the other night. And people like, what? It was Moby. They'd go, oh, okay. How was it? Yeah, yeah. Was he spinning anything? Or that sounds cool. Or what was that?

[Podcast Host]

All right, this is Adam Kurilla, show 895. Coming up next, we have Adam Kurilla show 1444 featuring Arnaz J. Defrat Guy, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from October of 2014. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of last night, World Series seventh game, I was feeling pretty good about my son who wanted to watch replays of the NFL week that happened prior to this. And I said, it's the seventh.

[Elliott Gould]

Oh, you want to watch it over the World Series?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, seventh, Seventh game of the World Series. And he was like, yeah, but baseball blows.

[Elliott Gould]

Did he work the move the needle?

[Adam Carolla]

Commented again, no, he worked. The baseball is boring and it sucks. And I said, absolutely correct. So this is a correct answer, but this is the seventh inning or the seventh inning, and this is, ironically, was about the seventh inning. And it's a one run game. And we should definitely hang out for the next 25 minutes and see how this one ends.

[Elliott Gould]

Even if you're hot or cold on baseball, medium cool, this is as good as it gets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And the thing that. The thing that's great about all sports is the insane unknown. Just the machinations, the different ways that things can happen.

[Elliott Gould]

The vagaries.

[Adam Carolla]

The vagaries that you never knew. You just go, well, all right, if he gets a single here, then they got a guy on first, but not the guy booting it in center field. And then the ball rolls to the track, and then the guy at the track boots the ball. And then the guy who's running it out, it's got no wheels. And I was going insane now. I was yelling at my wife, the guy at third base. The coach should have sent him. Really definitely should have sent him.

[Elliott Gould]

You think so?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and here's what I said, although she was tuned out and it drives me nuts when I call shit and then people are tuned out. I said, he should have sent him.

[Gina Grad]

What is that? Sorry. What does that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Sent him home, waved him around. But don't hold up at third base. Don't hold up at third base. Go in.

[Elliott Gould]

Just go and try and score.

[Adam Carolla]

Go home, go home. Go home.

[Elliott Gould]

Because, Allison, there were two outs.

[Adam Carolla]

Check, check, check. There we go.

[Elliott Gould]

They were down to their last out. If they made another out, the whole World Series is over.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, Gary, you can stop it when I tell you to stop. But you'll see, at a certain point, the runner is almost halfway between second and third. When the guy. Still on the. Still. I didn't show it from this angle, but still on the track, picking the ball up, the guy's halfway. Now, the guy who's running doesn't exactly have wheels, right? But here was what I likened it to, because I like to do this in front of my children. If ISIS or Al Qaeda jumps you in the parking lot and says, get in the van, once you're in the van and the doors are closed, that'll be about it. You'll just be in some bunker somewhere where doing videos with a guy, hearing a guy, sharpening a sword, and you'll be thinking, I did have an opportunity. And that opportunity.

[Elliott Gould]

Don't let the kidnapper take you to a second location.

[Adam Carolla]

Right when I was standing in that parking lot of Costco and Glendale, I really should have made a move right then. Now there's a pretty good chance you would have gotten shot in the back as you ran.

[Elliott Gould]

You said by the runner now going to third base.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay, but that was your opening, right? I said to Lynette, I said, the guy who's pitching for San Francisco is pitching lights out ball. The next guy is going to get up, is going to pop out, and that will end the game. The percentage of the next. The guy who's pitching is setting records. He's.

[Elliott Gould]

He's a dominant pitcher, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only dominant, but when they start going back, they're going back dates where guys are named Whitey. When you're. When they're. When you have to go back and find out that Shoeless Whitey Brown was.

[Elliott Gould]

Yes. He's been doing better than. Better than pictures that were named after girls. Christy Mathewson and Babe Ruth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Elliott Gould]

Those are the pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

Anytime.

[Elliott Gould]

Madison. Another girl's name. Madison Bumgarner.

[Adam Carolla]

Bumgarner. If there's ever a time when they have to go back to find a guy named Whitey to compare your stats in a World Series, that is great news for you. That means this has not gone on in 89 years of world Series. So the guys, the guy's pitching lights out ball. And in my opinion, there's little to no chance that the next guy is going to get up and get a base hit, which is what he's going to need to get this guy. Not a long fly out, a base hit. And by the way, I've been watching for the last four innings and this is the only hit I've ever seen, right? So unfortunately this guy doesn't have wheels. But the shortstop or whoever went out and cut it off. Shortstop, he went, he went and one hopped him. He cleanly fielded it. He was going to have to turn around and he was going to have to fire a strike, which probably under.

[Elliott Gould]

The heat of the moment would have been a.

[Adam Carolla]

Would have been a one hopper, I'm guessing, to home plate. And the catcher would have had to handle it cleanly and applied the tag cleanly, which he probably would have done, but he may not have.

[Elliott Gould]

Yes, if there's a 20% chance you score on that play by sending the runner home, it's better than your 2% chance the next hitter gets a hit.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think 4% chance I would have had it a little more of a 60, 40 split because the shortstop would have had to turn and fire a nice ball. And a lot of that's a tough throw to make in that situation. And oftentimes the catchers don't cleanly receive the ball any.

[Elliott Gould]

If that plays not perfect, that guy scores if the throws two feet either way.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I said to Lynette, well, she said, then why didn't. And he go. And I said, there's a third base. I said, I stopped it and I pointed at the third base coach and I said, see that old guy standing there? He had to make a decision and he had a window of about 1.3 seconds max to make the decision. Swing my arm around, meaning go home to the plate or hands up, hold up, wait at third base. Now, first off, he was dealing with, and this is why sports are great, he was dealing with. What would you normally do in this situation? Well, normally you would hold the guy at third, but that would be in game number four of the World Series, in inning number five. This isn't the end of the end of the end.

[Elliott Gould]

This is a do or die.

[Adam Carolla]

This is two outs, ninth inning, seventh game, guys pitching, bum Garner's pitching, lights out ball. And that poor 61 year old guy could not process all that. But I said more importantly to Lynette, this guy, if he waves his arm and that guy gets thrown out at home, he's the Goat. He will be blamed for the loss. And by the way, this game's going to end right now. If he waves his arm two and a half seconds from now, this game could end at home plate and everyone's going to be booing him, as opposed.

[Elliott Gould]

To if he holds the runner, stay on third. Next batters up, the flame still flickers. You know, they still could reasonably make.

[Gina Grad]

The safe, but wrong choice.

[Adam Carolla]

We think so, yes. And then the guy. The next guy popped out. And I looked at Lynette and I said, what'd I tell you he's gonna do? And then she looked up from her computer and said, what? And I said, I told you they're gonna hold. They hold the guy, and the next guy's gonna come in and just pop out. She's like, yeah. Is that what you. Okay. Then he popped out, right? And it's like, I got. This is never how. It's so unsatisfying. It's so unsatisfying.

[Gina Grad]

So wait, is the coach not the Goat?

[Elliott Gould]

No, because it was 100% the wrong decision. It was.

[Gina Grad]

How do most people not think it was the wrong decision? There's a lot of negatives in that. What do most people think?

[Adam Carolla]

He. Well, the problem. The reason he's not the Goat is because he didn't stick his neck out.

[Gina Grad]

He made a TV executive decision.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he did. A TV executive decision, which is the proper decision to make is to hold the guy at third base. That's what the manual says. He wasn't factoring in the guy who was pitching, who was getting everyone out constantly and in a crazy zone, and that the next guy would come in. He wasn't doing the math. He just, like. This is what the book says. It's sort of like they do it in football. Go for two, don't go for two. Whatever it is, as long as you don't deviate from that, you will not be the Goat.

[Elliott Gould]

Right. And Alison, you see it in sports a lot. When a manager or coach makes a decision, immediately everyone's like, what are you doing? What was he thinking? That wasn't the situation. That was. Oh, they're holding him. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't even. They're holding him. Okay. It was. That's. That's what they should be doing. Yeah, that's what the. That's what the book says.

[Elliott Gould]

I'm so glad you're interested in this play, because obviously I'm a Giants fan. And I was dying on that last play. Let's back up a second because if he had scored on what was essentially inside the park home run to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth in game seven with two outs, that would have been the crazier than the Kirk Gibson home run. The craziest play in baseball history.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Elliott Gould]

Tie the game at home, game seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Two outs, slow whitey inside the park home run. Now, there's a few things I always also look at because I'm feelings based. I always look at the person. Everyone laughs, but I always think about who's bad I like. I immediately go to the center fielder who completely booted that ball, Gregor Blanco, and then the left fielder who booted it too. And I.

[Gina Grad]

Does booty mean chase and not. Not catch it? That thing where they're running around trying to.

[Elliott Gould]

Gregor Blanco whiffed on the ball. He did something you talk about a lot, which is you want to be either in the ocean or up on the beach, not getting pounded by the surf. Gregor Blanco charged the ball super hard.

[Adam Carolla]

In life be. Don't be in between. Yeah, he charged it to make the.

[Elliott Gould]

Catch and then pulled up at the.

[Adam Carolla]

Last second feet before the ball came in. Realized, I'm not getting to this. And he should have never done it because it's a situation where you have to keep the ball in front of you because there's two outs and your pitchers pitching lights out ball. You can't give up a double because the guy will score from second base on a hit.

[Podcast Host]

Single.

[Elliott Gould]

Single means he should have done with the third base coach did, which is play. If he had just given up a single, what are the chances the Royals get two more hits off Madison?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Not going to happen. But in his mind he's like, game over. I'm going to get that ball. Imagine the game ends with you laying out, stretching out and sliding and robbing a guy of a sure hit. And by the way, that's what leads SportsCenter and then iconic image that goes on a million years after you're dead. It's in the Smithsonian. When the game ends, they always have the guy who made the last out.

[Elliott Gould]

So the dive in catch and center field.

[Adam Carolla]

In his brain, there must have been a I'm going for this. And then at the end, the last five steps was a oh, shit, oh, shit, oh shit. He charged too hard. It got past him.

[Elliott Gould]

And Garrett, you could watch a slango.

[Adam Carolla]

His foot slips just in the glove. He wasn't playing it safe then. So if that Game had been tied up, I would have felt horrible for that 26 year old Dominican guy because he would have then gone to his grave going I fucking booted that ball and cost us the game. Because what would have happened is, here's what would have happened. That guy would have scored. If he would have scored, the next guy would have got in and popped out and they would have gone in extras and he would have went, fuck. The next batter would have popped out. If I just kept it in front of me, would have stopped and he would have been the goat and had to deal with that. And I always think if you. That sort of Bill Buckner thing, which is.

[Elliott Gould]

Bill Buckner's a famous goat in World Series history because he let a very easy ground ball goes.

[Gina Grad]

He was on Curb youb Enthusiasm, right?

[Doug Benson]

Was he?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes he was. So your worlds collide, people. I feel horrible for anyone who has to wear that hair shirt around for the rest of their life. And this guy. And baseball fans, because they have nothing to do, are more relentless than other fans.

[Elliott Gould]

A lot of downtime.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll get into the downtime and the baseball fans for a second. But for some reason football fans have a shorter memory and basketball fans have a shorter memory because I think the game is sped up. Baseball players, they literally sit around and talk about shit that happened in the 20s and stuff like that. Like old 89 year old guys are still talking about shit that went down before World War I murders row. Yeah, they literally. It's such, it's, it's so. It's, it's history. Such a part of the game that you're. You fucking up then becomes part of the history which is part of the game. NFL, it's like first off, half the players in the league don't. Couldn't name 10 players who played eight years before they came into the league. I mean it's just as. No, it's just. No, it's no history. It's all athleticism, but it's no, it's no real history. Baseball's all history. So that would have just gone down and that would have been yes, I was screaming send him, send him. But that poor old guy had to make a decision in a split second and he wasn't going to end the game on his watch and he would have been a goat by the book.

[Elliott Gould]

It was the right decision. Like I said, I'm a Giants fan, but part of me wanted him to get sent because that would have been a definitive end of the game or greatest play in World Series. History.

[Adam Carolla]

But it would have been a moment that we had. But again, it was outside of the van lunch at Al Qaeda guy.

[Gina Grad]

What were the chances that it would have worked?

[Adam Carolla]

I would, I would say coin toss in a. If you're on, on a positive side and on a negative side, maybe 25, 20, 25%.

[Elliott Gould]

You saw the runner rounding the bases, looking at the wall. If he had been head down, sprinting out of the box, I bet he would have scored. But he was kind of, the ball's going to get caught. Oh no, it's not. Oh, should I stop?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he thought, he thought he was gonna get a single, then he thought he was gonna get a double, then he thought he was gonna get a triple, but he was running as if. And if he just put his beard down and kept going either way. I was saying send him because he's gonna pop out and it didn't give a shit. And near to sunny, who was playing on it was sitting, but he has.

[Elliott Gould]

The ball to the moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Why doesn't he using his tablet. Yeah, he hits the fucking T to the moon. So that was exciting. Exciting and exciting for Brian. As a big Giants fan, that was awesome.

[Elliott Gould]

I mean, I think Royals fans and sports fans in general can agree it was a good series. And what, seven games. It came down to the bottom of the ninth.

[Adam Carolla]

Came down to the last pitch of the game pretty much. And then I got obsessed with what I always get obsessed with especially and it's something I never noticed before, but now, now I got a 60 inch plasma and everything's in high def and it's non stop spitting. It is an cascade of spitting. Now the pitcher for KC has a nervous tick when it comes. He does that. Yeah, yeah, you see him making a little, little trough with his lower lip, doing a weird kind of like weird sprinkler thing and then, and then a big spit and then back to weird like, are they dipping? Some of them are dipping. Some of them are eating seeds.

[Elliott Gould]

Pablo Sandoval is dipping enough for everyone else.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy who at the triple had a huge thing of dip in his mouth so that you could see his fucking brown lower teeth and the chaw sort of hanging out. By the way, I don't think that there's no way that dip speeds you up around those bases and then wind resistance. The last guy who batted does the move for kc, does the move where he does. He shoots a seed out, then he shoots the husk out, then he shoots some spit out, then he shoots some husk out. And I said it's weird too. Like, I can get no traction with this. I just go, look, how about this rule with all the high def. And the spitting is not. Oh, once in a while you see somebody on the team spit from, you know, but that's from the Goodyear blimp. They go to the dugout. I fucking with Tevo. I count it out. They go to the dugout for four second shots. Some guys, they have a spit cam. Literally just dumping spit. Everyone's just dumping spit everywhere. They go tight on the pitcher. Like when the pitcher is standing there looking for the sign up on the mound, his head is taking up the entire screen and he's doing this weird lower lip sort of sprinkle. I don't even know what it is. Then he takes his whole hand, he puts it in his mouth. Like it just go. And it was funny because the last.

[Gina Grad]

What is that? What's the whole hand in the mouth?

[Elliott Gould]

Got a grip on the ball. The last tackiness on the fingertips.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, before this discussion, it was 20 minutes of me sitting in the kitchen watching Lynette load the dishwasher. But every single glass had been thoroughly with hot water cleaned out to the point where it was spotless and fine. And I was like, just put it on the rack. I like it clean. It's clean right now. There's nothing on it. It's completely clean. It's utterly clean. Just put it on the rack right now. I want it clean. I don't want any bacteria. There is no bacteria. It's not like I was steeping chicken parts or something in there. There's nothing in there. Just put it. I want it in here. I was like, okay. But it doesn't. It's not going. I have this conversation, and it's a weird one, but I have it a lot with a lot of people, which is. I'm not here to criticize. I only want to focus on things that make sense. And you're feeling space, you loading and unloading that. It's just creating extra work for you.

[Gina Grad]

But what I don't understand is the step of rinsing it out beforehand. It feels like a one or the other.

[Adam Carolla]

You're standing over the sink, the sink is running, you have hot water on it, and the glass is perfectly clear and perfectly clean. Now put it here. No, it's gotta be. I want the hot water. You know, I want it steamed or whatever. Okay, fine. Listen, as I say, look, we were talking the other night, you know, the most germs in the world on the coffee pot. All the fucking people in the bathroom opening the door with their sleeve, lifting the toilet seat with their foot, making the whole thing. That's fine, except for all the germs are on the coffee pot. And by the way, people pour the coffee, then they walk out and they grab a bagel or a donut and they walk back to their desk and eat it with that exact same hand, the hand on the fucking coffee pot handle. And don't think twice about it because emotionally it's not moving their needle at all. Emotionally, fine. Hey, it's. It's coffee. I like coffee. Coffee's nice, coffee's warm, coffee's inviting. There's a donut, that's fine. How many times have you seen the person tear the croissant or the donut or the bagel in half and put the thing in there? Everyone walks up, they don't pick it up with their fucking sleeve or Kleenex or tongs or anything. They just pick it up. They'll butter it up and eat it. Well, that was just in someone's hand. They had to grab your end because they had to tear it in half. They arguably had a better grip on your side. They threw it down and you're back in there with the sleeves and opening the bathroom door with your foot and all kinds of stuff. It's great, except for it doesn't make any sense at all. And all I ever say to everyone is, let's just do what makes sense. Let's just do what makes sense. Just do what makes sense. And it's like, no, I want to do it this way. I feel much better about it this way. But there's no scientific anything that can back up that manner that you're doing that's creating a whole bunch of extra work for you. And it's like understood. I like it this way. Which is, it's fucking weird to me how. And by the way, the entire country is this.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, it makes sense what you're saying, but I'm just thinking the person who says to you, uh huh, I get it, but I like doing it this way. I'm wondering if they actually don't believe what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

They act as if they don't believe what I'm saying. And there's this new gray area now with people where again, where it's like you say to somebody, I talked to so and so, did you pay him for that gig? I thought I did. You thought you did. Cause he said you didn't. Well, maybe I didn't well, you didn't. Wait a second ago. You said you thought you did. Did you really think you did?

[Gina Grad]

Why are you being a dick?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's my relationship with other humans on the planet. But you're acting like a dick. What I'm saying is their actions would suggest they don't believe me.

[Podcast Host]

That was adam Kurilla, show 1444. Coming up for our final clip today is Adam Carolla, Show 337. Doug Benson, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. From June of 2010, the first installment of Totally Topical TiVo Trivia Time Tonight. From June of 2010, the First Time they played on the podcast radio show staple. Hope you enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

I. If I had a celebrity friend who was, like, doing something or freaked out or ODing or whatever, I'd be really reluctant to call.

[Brian Bishop]

Weren't there 911 calls about O.J. simpson from.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Nicole Domestic?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He was getting violent with her or showing up at her door.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna kill me. Me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Inadmissible, by the way. Neither here nor there. Yeah. A bunch of recordings of your wife yelling, he's gonna kill me shortly before he does kill you. But neither.

[Brian Bishop]

How's that related to the case?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you kidding?

[Brian Bishop]

It's not like they found blood and fiber.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So you probably don't want to hear the call then.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to hear it. Okay.

Oh, yeah. I just found my. I had my husband go make me come through downstairs. He just got home. I heard this big bang. I went downstairs, blood everywhere. I don't know if he's okay. I'm not down there right now because I have seizures. If I get stressed out, I'm gonna see.

[Elliott Gould]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you know what happened? He fell. Head is bloody.

There's blood all over.

Place the floor. I don't know what happened. I really don't know what happened. I just heard this thing and I went down there. He's on the floor. What type of thing? Huh? What type of thing? What type of what? What type of thing?

Like, was.

It'll have, like, a crash, like myel. I can tell. Yeah.

Hey, you're writing a book. How about you send over an ambulance?

Because I don't even know if he's, like, going to be alive because there's a lot of blood. Flor, is there any way you could go down there at all? I'll try.

I don't know.

I mean, how old is your husband? Okay. Somebody else is taking out the ambulance. I'm going to stay on the line with you.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is there anyone out there with you that can go downstairs? No. Okay. I've just been kind of sick and, you know, like, I don't want to be traumatized right now. Conscious? No, he was like, bubbling at the mouth and.

Stop it for a second. Let me say this for a second. First off, I'd make a horrible 911 operator because I'd be like, teresa, you'd probably be worse than me. She'd be like, so are you alone at the house? You'd be hurt. You alone at the house?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's just me.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so he's bleeding.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he's bleeding. He's gushing blood from the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how do you know he wasn't attacked by like a, you know, crowbar wielding maniac who's still in the house? I mean, you thought he fell, right?

[Brian Bishop]

I heard a loud crash.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that could have been the crowbar hitting his head.

[Brian Bishop]

He's. There's nobody here in the house.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gushing blood.

Do you know that if you checked all the doors and windows, there's nobody.

[Brian Bishop]

Could you just send an ambulance?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. This phone call is coming from inside the house.

[Brian Bishop]

It turned into the babysitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it did, didn't it? I would probably freak people out.

[Brian Bishop]

That would be inappropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even like hearing those OnStar commercials.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

My husband fell asleep and ate a deer. All right, we're gonna stay on the phone with you right now. The airbag went off, broke his nose. All right, is he conscious? Oh, I can't get out of the car. I don't like that. You know, I only hear him when I'm driving. Yeah, that's not like I remember sitting on my sofa hearing an OnStar commercial. They only play him on car radios, evidently.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they're not on the radio at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've had moments where I've been driving, hearing like one of those live OnStar commercials. Like, I went off a drainage ditch, the car's upside down, I can't breathe. And at that very time, pulled up behind one of those Mexicans with the pickup truck that had the rest in peace. Chewy, you know, like a 1984-2003 and really wanted to kill myself. Like I thought, well, Mexican guy died long for his time. And I got this chick, she's upside down in a drainage ditch. I'm gonna drive off a bridge.

[Brian Bishop]

Robert Guillaume. Robert, you remember Robert Guillaume?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

He co starred with Gary Coleman in the Kid with the broken halo. You don't remember Benson?

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone remembers.

[Brian Bishop]

I love Benson.

[Adam Carolla]

Benson was awesome. He was the president's butler.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And that little anorexic was on there.

[Adam Carolla]

Gold. Yes, she was on there.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Or maybe her sister.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was her sister.

[Gina Grad]

Sister?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, sister. The blonde, yeah. Why did we love that show?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't. I just know Robert Guillon is.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he said Gary was a dear friend. He was so enormously talented. His death saddens me beyond my ability to express. I can only hope that he finds the piece he so earnestly sought. I will miss him.

[Adam Carolla]

We've talked about that. It's got to be rough being black because you have to go to the funeral. Jesse Jackson's got to go there.

[Brian Bishop]

Todd Bridges is gonna have to show up.

[Adam Carolla]

Every black person is gonna have to show up to that thing.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah, you mean Magic Jonathan, yes or no?

[Adam Carolla]

Might have to be there. Listen, we talked about. You brought up a fantastic point where I was saying, look, one of the many perks of being white is we don't have to go to people's funerals. I mean, look there, look, if Jimmy dies, I gotta go to a funeral. But if Dane Cook dies, I don't have to go to his funeral just because he's white and we both do comedy.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was black, I'd have to go. If he were black.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. When one of these Golden Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a perfect example.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think any of the other ones showed up.

[Elliott Gould]

David Spade didn't go to Chris Farley's funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he was too close to be fair. He was fucking an 18 year old.

[Brian Bishop]

Blonde at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

At the time. At the time. Well, yeah, he was trying to fuck Julianne Hough.

[Elliott Gould]

It was too real.

[Adam Carolla]

It was too real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thanks for shitting on our point, by the way. Brett.

[Elliott Gould]

The white guys are not to go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just. Oh, yeah, yeah, good point. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, no, thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

He was making our point.

[Adam Carolla]

You're making our point. Sorry, you can shit on me after the show. Thank you. Play something. Play something's gonna make me sound better.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I'm gonna give you plenty of time. And now stop speaking. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. The Golden Girls. What else do you do that's wrong? The Golden Girls. When, when one of the Golden Girls died.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The rest of them live in Hollywood.

[Brian Bishop]

Couldn't make it.

[Adam Carolla]

They live in the hills of Hollywood. She was buried, I think in like the Hollywood cemetery or Something who literally could still. Getty. Estelle Getty died.

[Brian Bishop]

Rue McClanahan could basically see the funeral from her window, but couldn't make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally, she could just get the emergency brake loose on her Lexus. She could have coasted down the hill to the fucking funeral and did not attend.

[Brian Bishop]

But to be fair, Betty White had a. I think maybe she had to get her skin checked for moles that day. Something important. Right. They kept her.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is luncheon. If one of the guys. One of the guys. If the sixth man from the White Shadow dies and is being buried in Mississippi, every black Jamie Foxx has to hop on a plane.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God. Michael Jackson funeral. I mean, every.

[Adam Carolla]

At least it was in town, right? Yeah. So, you know Gary Coleman, it's gonna be rough. All the poor black people have to go.

[Brian Bishop]

Jamie Kennedy remembered Gary Coleman.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. They worked together on Bowfinger.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, Gary Coleman was a security guard on that film.

[Doug Benson]

Oh.

[Brian Bishop]

And Jamie Kennedy said, it's gotta be.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna suck for Jamie Kennedy because, like, it's like Jamie Kennedy. Yeah. What do you think? What are you remembering now? I'm actually remembering tit. Fucking Jennifer Love Hewitt. All right, well, I need you to remember Gary Coleman for a minute. Ah, God damn it. Okay, let's see. Worked as a security guard on. On Bowfinger. Now I'm going back to thinking about tfing Jennifer Love Hewitt. Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

And here he was a damn security guard. He was humble and sweet. Sad. Now quickly, because we'll finish up the news later. You know that celebrity rehab couldn't find enough alcoholics?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I went hiking with Dr. Drew a couple days back, and we got into it in depth, in between. He's such a good. He's such a better guy than me. He's so much better than I am. Because at a certain point, me. It was just me, Drew, and my son hiking down a trail. And there was some scrub and some bushes and some stuff that were about waist high for me and Drew. But for my son, it was hitting him in the face. And he was kind of like. And I was like, come on, get a little. Lean into it. What do you think you'll be a model. Lean into it. And Drew doubled back and actually picked him up and held him. Held him up above the shrub and then set him down and then savagely raped him in the bushes.

[Brian Bishop]

No, but it's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

But before that.

[Brian Bishop]

It's nice as you'd think Dr. Drew would be. He's nicer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I mean? From the sound of him. And when you see him do his.

[Adam Carolla]

Empathy face, I was actually doing that thing where I was walking through the shrub and they were whipping back and hitting my son in the face. And Drew circled around and picked him up and carried him out of harm's way.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, people used to make fun of the celebrity rehab, saying, well, they're not really celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they don't have any.

[Brian Bishop]

They can't get enough. They have. They have two on board. Tila Tequila.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And some guy from the hills.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And. And he wasn't in the show the hills. He literally just lived in the hills. Yeah. Just some guy from the hills in a refrigerator box.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Around that brush. But Dr. Drew would pull the brush away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we're trying to figure it out. Like, he was saying that maybe they're gonna go with civilians. Maybe they're gonna mix some civilians in.

[Brian Bishop]

Personally, I think the process is interesting and would be just as compelling with civilians. And I noticed last time, it wasn't so much that they weren't real celebrities. They weren't real addicts. Like on the sex addiction show, that Kendra. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, what was she addicted to?

[Brian Bishop]

And then she was in sober house. I. I'm not sure. She was.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. And, yeah, the whole time, Dennis Rodman was like, no, I'm gonna drink.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Beer. I like pussy and beer.

[Brian Bishop]

They found celebrities, but they didn't really seem to be that addicted. They just needed a gig.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, let's be honest. This. It is a. It's a pretty serious catch 22, because it's hard to get celebrities to come out and do just lame award shows in Vegas. When you pay for their flight, their hotel, it's much harder to get them to do. So, obviously, just by definition, if you're a real celebrity, the first. You know, if you're Ben Affleck, the first thing you want is privacy. When it comes to your right, you're.

[Brian Bishop]

Gonna go to promises and hope that Danny Bonaduce spill the beans.

[Adam Carolla]

You could go somewhere in Malibu and die of secondhand smoke from Bonaduce. Yeah. That's what you're gonna do. Right? So, I mean, it doesn't surprise me that they're running out of celebs.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it doesn't. And the white whale, who they were really trying to get was Liza Minnelli.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

And TMZ reported that they were offering her, like, a shitload of money, and she said no. Now she's already sober. So they wanted. According to sources, they wanted to put her in the Gary Busey slash Mackenzie Phillips position, where she's right sober one that's shepherding the rest of the addicts.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right, we should wrap this up and bring Doug Benson.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stu Hendershot]

Teresa Strasser and the news. You cnn.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring in Doug Benson. And while Donnie said talking to Doug out in the hall, I'm gonna talk to. To Bill on line one. Bill, try it again. Let's see. Bill. Yeah. What's going on, Bill? We're bringing Doug Benson into the studio. Thank you. Oh, very cool. Well, this is going to start. This is going to start off bad, but it's going to end really well. So just bear with me for a second. All right. I never got a chance to listen to you guys on the radio, so when, when, when the podcast started, it was just a random coincidence that the day that I got my iPhone and started looking for podcasts to download was your very first day of podcast. And I've been very faithful ever since. But Theresa, I hate to say it, initially you drove me a little crazy. However, no one likes her for the first eight to 12 years. But then you learn to tolerate. No, the thing is now, I mean, now that you've kind of gone to this kind of format all the time now for the last six, eight months, I've just craved the day and date shows. I love them. And I really have grown to absolutely adore Teresa. And she's even more self deprecating than I am. So I just got to let her know you're hot. And let me say this, I would say in all sincerity, as much as is you all hate Teresa, I guarantee she hates herself more.

[Brian Bishop]

Just feel like, you know, that there's no way you're more critical of me than I am of myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Sleep, sleep, sleep like babies tonight. Because no matter how much you loathe her, no matter how much you hate her, how much she doesn't deserve to be on this podcast, realize that however you feel about her, all the vitriol, all the anger, all the ill will, all the ill will to her and her family, all of it, all the spite, all of that, just go ahead and double that and then put it in the back of a dump truck and toss it right into Teresa's belly. That's how she feels about herself.

[Brian Bishop]

No. You know how my voice is like a knife in your brain?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like an even sharper knife.

[Adam Carolla]

You could never hate her as much as she hates her. Well, Adam, I've been A huge fan forever. And also now Teresa and Bob Bryant. Huge fans of you guys, too. And, Teresa, this is how much I've grown to love you. I'm 40 years old, single, don't have any kids, and I can't wait for the parent experiment every week. Thank you so much, Bill. And, Bill, as we. Dude, are you gay? As we said at the top of the show, all we ask is that you turn on a few friends to the show because. All right, you're calling from Portland. I don't know what morning radio show they have in Portland that's better than this or they can call meter maids in Santa Monica cunts, but I guarantee they can't. So turn on a couple of friends, and that's all we ask of you. Oh, no. Yeah, you're preaching to the choir, because I'm kind of bordering on maybe possibly turning friends off because they give me a hard time that I don't have an original thought, because kind of like you have what Adam can't complain about, I can turn any conversation into something I heard on the Adam Corolla podcast that day. Sad but true.

You're a homo.

Thank you, Bill. We appreciate it. Let's not be rude to our guests.

[Elliott Gould]

He can't hear the drafts, Doug.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he can't. Doug. Doug Benson. Wow, everyone. Doug, great to see you, buddy.

[Doug Benson]

Nice to be here. Glad to see the whole team back together.

[Adam Carolla]

My God. Can I talk to you about those Listerine little tongue things you put on that are filled with THC that I ate before I went and saw Sex in the City last week for my birthday? I was so high. Doug, there's so much information in that.

[Doug Benson]

In that last sentence that I want to. I want to cut through. Why would you see that movie on your birthday? Was the Lynette in charge of.

[Adam Carolla]

I announced the activity. It's. It started as a goof because I saw the first commercial about two months ago, and it said, Coming to theaters May 27th. Now, what's your birthday, Doug?

[Doug Benson]

July 2nd.

[Adam Carolla]

July 2nd. So if you were sitting around with somebody and there was a movie that was going to be huge, and it said, coming to theaters July 2nd. You just say, oh, it's my birthday. And then as a joke, I said, well, now I know what we're doing for my birthday, because my birthday is May 27th. So I said to my wife, now I know what we're doing for my birthday. And then I forgot about it. And then she promptly went and alerted everyone I knew that we're going to see Sex in the City. And at a certain point, I think they thought it was a goof, but sort of a goof enough to do it. So, you know, Kimmel and Cousin Sal and everyone else got involved. And next, you know, I just got really high and sat in the front row with a bunch of queens.

[Doug Benson]

Well, that's where I luck out is July 2nd every year. There's. Almost every year there's a new Will Smith movie. So they don't have to sit through a chick flick on my birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Doug Benson]

But then. So then you said, but if I'm gonna go see this, I gotta be high. And what's a great way to get high? Like, how did you get involved with the Listerine strike?

[Brian Bishop]

Implicate anybody?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't implicate anybody. But somebody who showed up in the group, had a strip, pulled out one of these strips, and everyone just ate them. Everyone did. Well, to be fair, not everyone was there at the same time, but everyone in the first wave ate them. Okay. And I happen to get super high. And I don't know if you've eaten these things before.

[Doug Benson]

Well, they probably work fairly well if you use them regularly. But when you haven't even had one before, or probably any cannabis to speak of for a period of time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

That knock you on your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a lot like double penetration. If you're not a seasoned veteran basis, you got to be ready for it.

[Doug Benson]

Take it all.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't just wake up and have two guys in you. Yeah, it's the same thing. That's a lot like that. I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

That's why those sleeping videos, the sleep. Those porn videos where dudes do stuff to women while they're sleeping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

They're never DP on those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Those really exist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do.

[Doug Benson]

Where the idea is the girls pretending to sleep, I assume. I don't think they're really sleeping.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Doug Benson]

But they sleep through a.

[Brian Bishop]

But that must be some guy's fantasy.

[Adam Carolla]

To have more than one guy.

[Doug Benson]

There's a whole site devoted.

[Brian Bishop]

That's your thing, Doug.

[Doug Benson]

No, it's not my thing. I'm just saying there's a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird things for Doug Benson.

[Brian Bishop]

It really does. Doug's like, wide awake. Porn isn't his thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I can say, like, why does he.

[Doug Benson]

Have to be up through this?

[Adam Carolla]

Doug. Doug. How about. I got a website that has some great rough trade if you like a little slap on the ass. I don't know. There's something a little more my speed like where the chick's nodded off.

[Doug Benson]

The guy having sex with her isn't asleep.

[Brian Bishop]

He likes it when it's triple X and then three Z's.

[Adam Carolla]

And the guy's like, you know what? I'm gonna come in here. This is gonna catch a like, nap. And then, then, yeah, the narcolepsy yawning.

[Doug Benson]

Ruins the sex talk.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But you have found napping porn.

[Doug Benson]

It's not, it's, you know, it's called while you were sleeping dot com or something like that. While she was sleeping.

[Brian Bishop]

And he stumbled upon.

[Doug Benson]

And it's. Well, I stumble upon a lot of porn. But there's a, you know, there's just various places that you, you see when you're, when you're surfing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's a sub genre I had not heard of.

[Doug Benson]

Like, have you heard of the one.

[Host or Producer]

About, you know, the girls got glasses.

[Doug Benson]

On and they spooge all over her glasses?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's called.

[Doug Benson]

Come on her glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Doug Benson]

They're always very specific about what they do.

[Brian Bishop]

I appreciate that. Just call it what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, I'd be wearing a fucking welding mask, by the way. Glasses. Swifty Lazarus glasses wouldn't be big enough for me. And they come on the glasses syndrome. Like, you know the, the website.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

Yeah, you'd be.

[Doug Benson]

I'd come on my helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I do a website called come on my clan hood. And I'd just be sitting there wearing the. Wearing the clan head with the welding shield over it. Hey, I'm going to float something that I think is going to be interesting, Doug.

[Doug Benson]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I've talked to many guys who are, you know, getting up there, you know, 40 plus in the age department and middle age. Around middle age. And yet single, you know, no kids, staying single. And Teresa, you know, you like to study psychology and sociology. There's something going on here. In the past, guys would get married when they're 21, 23, whatever. What if those guys had a fucking full color flat screen worth of porn at their fingertips that was at their pad, and the chick would be moving in and kind of interrupting that flow. Plus the fact when you're beating off to. While you were asleep twice a day, you've lost a little bit of your eye of the tiger. Like when you go out there.

[Brian Bishop]

Blunts your need to connect with actual women.

[Adam Carolla]

But not only that, blunt is a.

[Brian Bishop]

Word I use just for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, thank you. I feel like I would feel like I got a pretty good thing going on here. Like I got a Nice little routine going in. I eat a couple of pot lozenges, I go up to the Mac, I fire up a little narcolepsy porn. I smoke a joint, I do my thing. I wake up at noon like I got a pretty good thing going on here. Like I don't want to this up. And if some chick moves in, I can't be whacking away all night to this stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, she's not gonna want you to sleep.

[Doug Benson]

Well, I don't, I don't whack away all night.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not all night.

[Doug Benson]

Rarely even do it late at night. I don't think I'm morning, I'm ready to sleep late at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but either, either way, I'm not trying to put you on the spot.

[Doug Benson]

No, I, I, but, but, but let's, I know what you're. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go back 200 years. Yeah, let's go, let's go back 200 years ago. Look, if I don't get married, I'm not going to see a naked woman. The only way I can see a naked woman is to marry one. She may be ugly and have a huge bush, but by cracking, she's good. That's how they spoke Dag burn it. She's going to dag government. She's going to be naked now. So now that was a pretty, pretty powerful motivation for a guy who's producing semen back in the day. Now I wonder if you took like a pioneer and you just went, look, here's a magic fucking computer screen. What are you into? He's like, I'm into Wagon Wheel porn.

[Brian Bishop]

And you're like, good little house on the pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a site for that. We got a site for that. And they just went, I like to see hot chicks till in soil. We got a site for that.

[Brian Bishop]

Anything you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Now all of a sudden you want to marry Matilda?

[Brian Bishop]

No, not too fast. I got my computer butter churning. Porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Know what I'm saying? I wonder if it slowed things down a little bit.

[Doug Benson]

I don't know. Because, you know, certainly Internet porn's been available for over a decade and dudes are still getting married in their twenties like complete fools.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's, I would argue that the longer life expectancy and that general sort of interruption of, of hedonistic lifestyle, I bet it's probably pushed 25 years ago, the average age of a married, you know, newly married couple was 23 and four months. Yeah, it's probably creeping up a little one month or.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, definitely.

[Doug Benson]

That's probably Happening. But you know, in my case, it's lots of variables that come into play. Well, I'm on the road all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

You know, so that's like good. Yeah. Well, I mean that, but that's certainly. You take her with you, you get sick of each other because you're stuck in hotel rooms all the time and you have a job and she doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Doug Benson]

And she stays home and you leave. Then it becomes. It's all about how much I miss you. I miss you. You know, I wish you weren't on the road all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Doug Benson]

It's kind of a. Kind of a lose lose. As long as you're. If I was more. If I got like a TV show or something where I was just in LA all the time, then I think I would have succumbed to having a regular relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Bang, lots of hot hoses. Fuck this. And whack off the sleeping porn.

[Brian Bishop]

I think the getting married later in life thing probably does have a lot to do with women entering the workforce. So maybe we don't want to get married as early because we're trying to have careers.

[Adam Carolla]

We should mention, by the way, that you can go check out Benson Interrupted or the Benson Interruption, I should say, at Largo, which I did once or twice and enjoyed the shit out of it. Monday, June 14th. So check that out. Fun crowd. When I did it, I don't know, it was. Sarah Silverman was performing that night.

[Doug Benson]

She'll be there on the 14th, as will our friend Chris Hardwick.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And what's the Indian? Ansari was ease and sorry. I mean, it would be a good lineup by almost any club standard on a Saturday night. This is Tuesday night usually, right?

[Doug Benson]

Mondays.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Monday, Monday the 14th.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty. Pretty damn good all star lineup that Doug has assembled for this very fun form of stand up where Doug sits there stone and interrupts your shit. But if you don't have any shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Like me, that's what the show is.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome interruption. Yeah, it's really good.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, it's my friends like kind of just working out new stuff or you know, just goofing around and you interrupt like a mystery stage with a microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fun. But you know what it is for a guy like me was stand up with training wheels. Big fat stone training wheels. You just go out there and you can. You can try doing. I hadn't done stand up in 15 years and I went out there and tried it because I knew Doug would be out on stage and we all fuck around and go back Back and forth with it. So it was a nice.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. And you essentially do that in your. In your live shows. When you do a live show, you bring out your guests and then you just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go.

[Doug Benson]

Now what happens, happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're doing no guests. Why are you interrupting me? Me doing 90 minutes of nothing. But I have to thank Doug for enabling me to do it because I wouldn't have been comfortable just going to a club and doing 10 or 15 minutes. You do not interrupt me. Speaking of interruption, I think we have the totally topical TiVo trivia, which Paul Bryan usually wins, but Doug Benson, it's got a full. Full tank asleep with him and an empty stack, evidently. So maybe he.

[Doug Benson]

We played it on the. On the film Vault.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did?

[Doug Benson]

Anderson and Brian and I played. And Anderson was not very good at it.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Doug Benson]

And Brian and I tied. But there were like two or three movies where we didn't even know it ever after hearing the whole thing.

[Elliott Gould]

It was a bizarre game. There were several ones that went the entire description, and then we didn't know.

[Doug Benson]

None of us knew it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is actual. The actual TiVo description minus the name of the celebrity. And you yell out your name when you think you know the name of the film.

[Elliott Gould]

Yes, we do.

[Stu Hendershot]

Let's play Totally Topical Tebow trivia time.

[Adam Carolla]

Today.

[Stu Hendershot]

A wishing machine turns a boy into Adam. Big from 1988. It is big.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know we were playing already.

[Elliott Gould]

You gotta. You got a free one. Corolla. I was distracted. I thought Dawson's voice coming out of the computer. I was freaked out for a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you normally would get a beat before you start there.

[Elliott Gould]

Dawson, you got a free one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know why. Good boy. I didn't know what was going on either.

[Doug Benson]

Welcome to Topical. A boy turns into a what?

[Adam Carolla]

Adam was ready to play. How come I wasn't like Dawson? I rehearsed. I haven't even seen right on it.

[Doug Benson]

Since I walked in the building.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't even know he was here. Great.

[Stu Hendershot]

Hello, Doug.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello.

[Stu Hendershot]

Shall we move on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we shall.

[Elliott Gould]

I'm ready.

[Stu Hendershot]

Two hit men, a boxer.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian. Pulp Fictions, 1994.

[Stu Hendershot]

It is Pulp Fiction.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Brian Bishop]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as you said a box.

[Brian Bishop]

God, that was good.

[Stu Hendershot]

A brain surgeon finds true love.

[Doug Benson]

Doug.

[Adam Carolla]

Man with two brains from 1980. Wow. All right. Doug's one, Paul, Brian's one, Adam's one.

[Stu Hendershot]

T0 suspicions of child abuse. Brian Sleepers fuel A traditionalist Nun's Personal. From 2008.

[Adam Carolla]

It is doubt. That was for you. We didn't See that?

[Brian Bishop]

I did see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Strong. All right.

[Stu Hendershot]

A psychiatrist believes a patient.

[Elliott Gould]

Brian, a sixth sense, who claims to.

[Stu Hendershot]

Be a time Traveler sent to 1996 to prevent a virulent holocaust.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. Yes. One more time. Brian's out.

[Stu Hendershot]

A psychiatrist believes a patient who claims to be a time Traveler sent to 1996.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna try one. Oh, the 12 Monkeys from 1995. Not 11 monkeys. Not 13 monkeys. Get the out of Denver.

[Doug Benson]

12 monkeys. That's another awesome website. If you get a chance.

[Brian Bishop]

Are they awake?

[Doug Benson]

12 sleeping monkeys.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I've never heard a descript. I didn't. I didn't know.

[Doug Benson]

And there's a word in there. Believes something and then believes a patient.

[Adam Carolla]

The psych.

[Stu Hendershot]

The psychiatrist believes a patient believes that it's real.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Okay, I get it.

[Stu Hendershot]

All right, Doug has two, Brian has one, and Adam has two.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, what about me? Has anyone ever come back from.

[Stu Hendershot]

I said there's no marks next to T on this thing.

[Adam Carolla]

So stupid.

[Elliott Gould]

Big's gonna decide this game.

[Stu Hendershot]

Near the end of the Gulf War.

[Elliott Gould]

Brian.

[Stu Hendershot]

Three Kings from 1990.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice one. All right, two way.

[Elliott Gould]

Tie my list of top five war films.

[Adam Carolla]

Argue with that. Wow.

[Stu Hendershot]

All right, a reporter, a producer, and an anchorman.

[Brian Bishop]

Teresa.

[Stu Hendershot]

Broadcast news from 1987.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a chicken.

[Elliott Gould]

Chancel Brooks.

[Stu Hendershot]

A trucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam.

[Stu Hendershot]

Over the top and a lawyer.

[Doug Benson]

Doug.

[Adam Carolla]

I get half a point for that.

[Stu Hendershot]

Become trapped in a sorcerer's empire beneath San Francisco's Chinatown.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, I know it now.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it now. Big trouble in Little China from 1986.

[Stu Hendershot]

Isn't he supposed to buzz in with his name first?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but I'll let him have it.

[Doug Benson]

A little question mark. Big trouble. Kurt Russell.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Guest Actor (possibly Elliott Gould)]

All right.

[Stu Hendershot]

Now, Brian has three, Adam has two, Doug has two. Tia's on the board with one.

[Adam Carolla]

How many do you have left?

[Stu Hendershot]

One, two, three, four. Four.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Elliott Gould]

All I know is I wasn't allowed to see that movie.

[Stu Hendershot]

A girl who was conceived as a marrow donor for her Teresa. The other sister for her gravely ill sister, goes to court.

[Adam Carolla]

My sister's keeper from 2009. I was gonna say DC cab.

I had that.

[Brian Bishop]

Not get the name.

[Adam Carolla]

They put some girl movies in this one. Jesus Christ. Nobody saw that movie. Doug, how did you. I didn't see it, but I remember.

[Doug Benson]

The bone marrow part.

[Stu Hendershot]

A zany summer camp Counselor.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam. Meatballs. 1979.

[Stu Hendershot]

Hit his meatballs.

[Adam Carolla]

Are we three? Three and three.

[Stu Hendershot]

Three and three.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. How many left? Two. I have two. T, you're even wrong about that.

[Stu Hendershot]

To carry out her plan of revenge, an unhinged woman charms a Seattle couple into hiring her Doug.

[Elliott Gould]

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

[Stu Hendershot]

From 1992. It is the hand that rocks the cradle. If Adam or Doug get this next one, we can force the two way tie a space hero and his team of do gooders. Two gooders.

[Elliott Gould]

Armageddon.

[Stu Hendershot]

Now battle Dr. Lizardo.

[Adam Carolla]

Doug.

[Doug Benson]

Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai.

[Stu Hendershot]

There's a longer title.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in the fifth dimension. Okay, okay. Wow. Okay, so wow.

[Doug Benson]

For a second there I was like.

[Adam Carolla]

How could that be wrong? Watches those shitty films. All right, so now it's Doug and Brian are tied, right? Doug and Brian. I said we got a tiebreaker here. Yes.

[Elliott Gould]

Let's call. Let's call it off.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Tiebreaker. That's me.

[Doug Benson]

Last time we had a tie.

[Stu Hendershot]

A one handed salesman, an Amish farm boy, Doug.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know this kingpin from 1996.

[Stu Hendershot]

It is kingpin.

[Adam Carolla]

Congratulations, everybody.

[Doug Benson]

Y for me, when I hear Amish.

[Brian Bishop]

I just think it has to be witness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or kingpin. Wow, that was awesome. Wow. That was a tour to Nice job as well. Dawson wants to say something. Dawson, you want to say something or just pound on the glass?

[Stu Hendershot]

I was just telling Brian we have an outro.

[Adam Carolla]

Outro? Yeah, he's too dejected. Play the outro.

[Stu Hendershot]

Tune in for more totally topical Tebow trivia time tomorrow or two.

[Adam Carolla]

Tuesday. Ryan's like Michael Jordan. If he doesn't win, he just passed the whole weekend. He's ruined. Hey, T bone. But don't forget to play the intro for some more news. Doug Benson, sit in with us. Let's hear the second part of the news. T. How about that baby girl?

[Stu Hendershot]

From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, there's a horrible shooting spree in England, but that is not going to cheer Brian up. So I will not start with that. This will. This is a. I can't even do a Germany or Florida. It's just going to have to be which part of Florida.

[Host or Producer]

Cheer up and be excited.

[Brian Bishop]

Angered that drive thru workers at a Wendy's botched her order. A Florida woman stormed the Daytona beat. Oh, I gave away the city. The Daytona beach restaurant. This. This morning tried to tase an employee with a stun gun.

[Elliott Gould]

Daytona Beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say Brian first.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. But we'll give it to you. Melanie's Reed20 reportedly became enraged after fast food workers failed to provide her with the requisite number of mustard and Mayonnaise packets.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't taste me, bro. Don't taste me. Do you recall request a certain amount or is there a certain amount? Understood that you're. That you get.

[Brian Bishop]

Apparently this woman requested certain amount.

[Adam Carolla]

She.

[Brian Bishop]

When she did not receive it, she became angered and there was an argument. She called him and wow. Drive through guy. Yeah, this from the smoking gun. According to a affidavit prepared by the cops, she attempted to slap the guy but he was to able. Able to deflect her hand. At that point, witnesses told cops that she and her associate exited their red PT Cruiser and entered the Wendy's. While inside armed with a pink cheetah brand stun gun. She chased the guy around the kitchen employee area of the restaurant with the taser turned on and making the electric noises.

[Adam Carolla]

These Jews completely out of hand. Somebody has to say what their people cruisers and their hello kids stun guns.

[Brian Bishop]

It was recovered from one of these women's purses.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is a great. Definitely not at you.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, speaking of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this.

[Brian Bishop]

Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a couple. Couple things. The ketchup packet. The. The fact that we're all putting these things in our mouths and tearing open to them and they're shipped over in container ships from China and God knows where else. What shouldn't all ketchup packets now be in the sort of McNugget style rip the top off dipping sauce thing? Is it insane that it's 2010 and we're still ripping into those things and milking them with our fingers? And then how about the worst one ever? When you get the Kikoman, you get the. You get the sauce, get the soy sauce, you tear into it goes all over in your mouth. That's a good day. It's all over your blouse is a bad day. What are we doing? Why don't we not have containers? Well, talking about you. But why do we put stuff in it? Why should not be in a pouch. Liquid should not be. We're not putting things in the right container. Like every time I go to a decent hotel and they have the little hey, make your own coffee in your room and you tear into the foil pack at the top. It always tears down and it tears the little bag that the coffee's in and spills all over the place. There shouldn't be ketchup packets or mustard packets anymore. They should have those little things that the McNugget stuff comes in. McNuggets have been around for 20 years. They should have changed the day they came out. And it's easier to dip a fry. You don't have to milk it onto the box.

[Doug Benson]

Well, that's what I do is I just get the barbecue sauce at McDonald's and dip the fry.

[Adam Carolla]

Just dip the fry into there. Yeah. Heinz has them, but they still don't have them. When you go, it's probably surplus from like Korea.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, you mentioned definitely not a Jew. And Mike lynch sent me this story saying he wishes we were still doing that because he feels that there's a very small chance this man is a Jew. The headline of this story is sword wielding porn actor kills one, hurts two.

[Adam Carolla]

We have battle cliche. Yeah. That's out of Van Nuys, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Elliott Gould]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Hometowner police were searching Wednesday for a porn actor suspected of killing one colleague and injuring two others with a sword like movie prop after he was evicted from a production studio where he had been living, of course, in Van Nuys.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Picturesque, beautiful Van Nuys.

[Brian Bishop]

He'd been told earlier to leave the studio and apparently he snapped, went off, stabbed a couple people with this sword prop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And one person fatally. He fled with the weapon in an suv.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't tell people earlier to leave. You wait till the end of the day. Because every time. Every one of these stories. Stories starts with earlier he was asked to leave at some point over the course evening he returned, this time with a samurai sword and a machete. But I'm saying I wait till the end of the day and then I tell the person to leave, then they can go sleep on it. Don't do it at the early part of the day. They always return and with something.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I think there's some day of the week that they normally lay people off. I can't remember if it's Monday so they don't have the weekend to get upset and stew. Or Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Friday's a good layoff day.

[Doug Benson]

Gives them the whole weekend to not find their sword.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, exactly. So this gentleman with the prop sword, according to the editor in chief of adult education Industry News, who had met this man, he seemed like an okay guy who was trying very hard to get recognized and get his name out there. He carried around pictures of himself in hardcore action and he would always want to show them to me.

[Adam Carolla]

I got that. Definitely not a Jew. It's got to be super confusing. So he killed somebody, right? Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And he injured two others.

[Adam Carolla]

And this guy killed. Probably has a family and some kids or whatever. What's going to be weird, like 75 years from now or 100 years from now when this guy's Great grandkids are talking about him. Like, how did your great grandfather die? Oh, he was stabbed with a sword back in the old country. No, Van Nuys. Like a duel over somebody's. What did he do? Somebody dishonored his woman. No. Guy did gay porn in the turn of the century. 18. No, no, 2010. With a sword. It's got to be confusing. Like I always say, the same thing's going to happen when Jay Leno dies in a steam car in 2016. The history Some guys are going to write, some students could be writing a paper on him in, like, 2050, and he finally met his demise behind the wheel of a Stanley Steamer. And his teacher's going to be like, you mean hovercraft, right? No, he was T boned by hovercraft, but he was driving a steam car. It's gonna be very confusing. Think about your death. If it's not done in a timely, it should be something that fits the time. You don't want to be killed in a steam car by a sword. You know, be like, doug Benson dies in a dirigible accident. We'd have no idea when you die. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's an anachronistic death.

[Adam Carolla]

200 years from now, it's like, Doug Benson, one of the greatest. One of the greatest comics the 18th century had ever produced. You know, we wouldn't know.

[Doug Benson]

That's why I avoid dirigibles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In general, you'd want to choke on an ipod or something. You know, something that was of its time.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, just like now, if somebody killed you, but they killed you with a musket, it'd be confusing for your. For your family.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. Or if you died of some disease like tuberculosis. Does anybody.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Consumption.

[Brian Bishop]

Consumption.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, when somebody does that family tree thing 500 years from now and they find out that this great great grandfather was a porn star, died by sword, they'd be like, wait a minute. They didn't have cameras, weren't invented back then. It's gonna be very confusing.

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely. This particular porn company specializes in niche films that include napping. Nap porn. That would be glasses. I mean, if you had a nap porn with a sword, I mean, you really got something. This company specializes in scenes of women sexually abusing men.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Doug Benson]

I'd watch that.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow, Teresa, that's quick.

[Stu Hendershot]

Teresa Strasser and the news. Fuck you, cnn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know where we're heading here as a society. I mean, I guess if there's going to be 500 channels to watch, like, hey, man, you really dig gardening? There's a gardening channel. And you really dig outdoor sports. There's an outdoor sports channel. You know, fishing and hunting and stuff like that. I guess porn is just gonna fall, I guess, eventually, the way it's heading. So now it's like, totally dialed in. So you're like, well, during the day I like watching those shows where they strip down trucks and customize them. And then at night, I watch napping porn. So everything's being totally custom, like, designed for you. I think maybe 50 years from now, you're just gonna get assigned your own crew and you're gonna like, hey, Doug Benson's kids, what do you like? And my son's gonna be like. Or Doug's son's gonna be like, I like napping pot porn where the chick wears a fuchsia dress. And they were like, all right, we're gonna make that for you. Because it's getting that specific now.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they already have applications, I think. Is it Pandora, where you know what songs you like?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

It's all, you know, it's becoming more and more niche oriented.

[Adam Carolla]

I think your beard's scraping.

[Podcast Host]

Wait, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll be right back.

[Brian Bishop]

Beard scrap porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, beards, great porn. I remember when porn was just porn and it was like you'd open a porn magazine and you're like, well, I'm not particularly attracted to this chick and I ain't really into Asians, and this is girl on girl. That's not really my scene. But, well, I guess I gotta beat off to it.

[Doug Benson]

There's nudity. Let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, cock. Here we go.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, if there's not a woman napping.

[Doug Benson]

Do our best with this.

[Brian Bishop]

And a sword.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, if you want to see Doug Knapp on stage, you go to the Doug Benson Interruption, everyone. At Largo on the 14th. Tomorrow, comedian Bobby Lee gonna be in here. So until next time, I want to thank Doug Benson, Teresa Strasser, and Bald Brian, otherwise known as the Loser. Yeah, you're lucky. You got big Adam Corolla saying mahalo.

[Podcast Host]

All right, that was Adam Corolla show 337. That does it for today's Corolla classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Sam.