Greg Fitzsimmons + Dave Dameshek (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show — “Greg Fitzsimmons + Dave Dameshek” (Carolla Classics)

Episode Date: August 24, 2025
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons, Dave Dameshek, Steve Hofstadter, David Wild, Allison Rosen, Bald Bryan
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Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a “classics” edition, featuring highlights from past shows, including appearances by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons, NFL/sports commentator Dave Dameshek, writer David Wild, and comedian Steve Hofstadter. Accompanied by longtime contributors Allison Rosen and Bald Bryan, Adam Carolla leads the crew through quintessential segments showcasing the show’s signature blend of unscripted humor, pop culture riffs, candid relationship talk, rants about daily life, and irreverent debates. Topics span everything from bathroom etiquette and show business anecdotes to marriage dynamics and sports minutiae.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Rear-Endings, Bathroom Etiquette, and Social Gripes

[01:45–10:50]

• Allison shares a story about getting rear-ended on the way to the show: Apologetic driver, no major damage, but she regrets not checking.

  • Adam’s take: "Try to explain this to white folk who live in decent neighborhoods who are under 65... This is the way whitey dies… You get a flat tire, you get out of your car at night, you're off by the side of the freeway, and you get killed." (02:19)

• Conversation pivots to etiquette around minor public accidents ("no harm, no foul") and how people overreact to simple human errors in public places (airplane aisles, streets, etc.).

• Restroom etiquette: Adam grumbles about people who barge into bathrooms without waiting for a response (“knock and walk”), with both male and female perspectives offered (“the tune-out walk,” tampon anecdotes, and the universal fear of being caught in a compromising moment).

  • Greg Fitzsimmons quips: “Am I the only one who got turned on when Allison said she was rear-ended and then a woman said she tapped her?” (03:30)

2. Dr. Drew, Passive Aggression, and Annoyance in Relationships

[13:10–23:00]

• Adam’s recurring peeve: Dr. Drew's chronic habit of making noise (clanking mugs, moving mics) during recordings, despite being asked not to. Adam posits that Drew subconsciously likes being yelled at and seeks out “the dance.”

  • “I've given him the motherfucking coffee mug speech 271 times…” (14:49)
  • "Drew likes to be yelled at. Oh, wow. So does Dr. Bruce." (17:04)

• *Discussion broadens to the dynamics of cohabitation and the myth of being “scared” of confrontational partners. Adam asserts that real fear causes behavioral change—if Lynette (his wife) really feared him, she’d never leave a dirty mug.

• Universal question: “Is there anyone for whom you have such overwhelming milk of human kindness that you don't get annoyed by anything they do?”

  • Adam: “No, Jimmy [Kimmel] does not. But I don't live with Jimmy. ... My writing partner, Kevin Hench ... he's Johnny on the spot ... there's just no bullshit with that guy ... hyper vigilance disorder as well.” (21:19–21:28)

3. Award Show Hosts, LL Cool J & Celebrity Turns

[27:14–29:36]

• Grammy Nomination Concert preview: David Wild mentions LL Cool J as the perennial host.

• Running joke about LL Cool J being inserted into history as the default host for all events.

  • “I really do think, like, if you would like to do an award show and not have LL Cool J host it, you need to get a special permit.” (27:26, Adam)

• Conversation veers into award-show fatigue, the rotating door of celebrity hosts, and the odd stability of LL Cool J as Mr. Reliable.

4. Pop Music vs. Real Talent: Lady Gaga, Robin Thicke, Miley Cyrus

[29:31–37:53]

• Adam is skeptical about “talent” in modern pop stars: Wonders aloud if Robin Thicke is genuinely talented or just “the guy with the sunglasses who nails all the hot ladies.”

• Greg Fitzsimmons: Defense of Robin Thicke’s real skills, but concedes that overproduced pop often swamps true talent.

• Lady Gaga as an “example of an artist hurt by production”:

  • “Her records are her trying to keep up ... swamped her talent ... she could make a great record just sitting at a piano and singing a song. But she hasn't done it ...” (32:55–33:17, Greg)

• Radio formats as protection for mediocre talent:

  • Adam: “There is a format that is built around morning radio that says: I will protect you... how many truly funny people do you know?”
  • Greg: “There are only two guys in radio history… I would change my plans to listen to: you and Stern.” (35:04)

• Adam distinguishes between performers who are “good at being themselves” (like talk-show hosts) and those who excel as chameleonic actors—insisting the former is what makes for great broadcasting.

5. Thanksgiving Tangents: Food, Tupperware, and Jello

[105:21, 151:56–154:11]

• Adam rails against “cranberry chutney” disguised as cranberry sauce: “You shall not get cranberry sauce. This is gonna taste like something out of an Indian joint.” (109:14)

• Sheds light on how the language of food is misused and how default expectations are violated (e.g., club sandwiches, eggs).

• The gang debates side dishes: Jello as an inexplicable grownup food at Thanksgiving, stuffing's tragic absence from menus year-round.

  • Dave: “The best Thanksgiving side dish is easily stuffing, right? … Why save stuffing for Thanksgiving? It's delicious.” (154:32–154:42)

• Old-school Tupperware nostalgia: “It was that valuable currency. ... Three pieces, so fucking cloudy, light would not pass through them … Grandma would meet me at the door ... you could not take said Tupperware out of the house. ...” (153:22–154:11)

6. Sports Rants: Football, Kobe's Contract, Connect 4

[123:54–143:09]

• Adam and Damashek debate NFL goalpost height:

  • Adam’s long-standing campaign: “I've said probably... we should raise the height of the uprights on the goal post.” (124:16)

• Tomlin “foot on field” controversy: Is it really such a big deal?

• Kobe Bryant’s $50 million contract: Is it earned, or just nostalgia/business?

• Connect 4 tournament tales: Dave Damashek recounts his “triple crown” of office game wins—handled with mock seriousness usually reserved for championship athletes.

  • “Not one Allison, not two. Three straight connect four championships... a great honor for me.” (138:50)

7. Call-Ins: Relationships, Gifts, and Life Advice

[60:52–78:46]

• Caller with wife deployed in Afghanistan seeks anniversary gift advice:

  • The crew riffs on what really matters in long-distance military marriages and poke fun at “bucket lists” for the deployed.
  • Allison: “How about jewelry or something?”
  • Adam’s ultimate advice: meaningful care packages, magazines, maybe a heartfelt video.

• On sharing farting in relationships: Adam muses there's little reason to ever intentionally break the “fart seal,” with age bringing involuntary slips instead.

• Online dating & self-improvement: Adam encourages a caller with “no game” to get online, recognizing that “the good looking big guy, the strapping guy, probably not so nimble with the fingers on the computer.” (172:27–172:44)

8. Media, Celebrity, and the Value of Privacy

[188:02–191:19]

• Release of distressing Newtown 911 tapes: The group is disturbed by the requirement that such calls be public record.

  • Adam: “To me, the 911 calls do not need to be public record. And I do think they're going to get a celebrity killed one of these days...” (188:02)

• Toxicology report fatigue and the ritual of public disclosure after scandals and deaths: Adam points out how unnecessary and delayed information becomes meaningless (“Key lime pie you didn’t want, but you eat anyway”).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Greg Fitzsimmons ([03:30]): “Am I the only one who got turned on when Allison said she was rear-ended and then a woman said she tapped her?”
• Adam Carolla ([21:28]): “No, Jimmy does not [annoy me]. But I don't live with Jimmy. ... My writing partner, Kevin Hench ... He's Johnny on the spot.”
• Adam Carolla ([27:26]): “If you would like to do an award show and not have LL Cool J host, you need to get a special permit.”
• Greg Fitzsimmons ([33:07]): “Lady Gaga... her [pop] records swamped her talent. She could make a great record just sitting at a piano ... but keeping up with Katy Perry and Rihanna ... swamped it in collaborations ... R. Kelly has to be somewhere, TI must be somewhere in the room... I think she's made the wrong record a few times.”
• Adam Carolla ([105:21]): “Aren't you under some kind of human obligation to tell people when they're not going to receive what they’re requesting? …If you make your club sandwich and it’s just two pieces of pimento loaf ... you need to tell me, that is your club sandwich.”
• Adam Carolla ([153:22]): “It was that valuable currency. ... Cloudy. Light would not pass through them ... you could not take said Tupperware out of the house.”
• Dave Damashek ([138:50]): “Not one Allison, not two. Three straight connect four championships ... Now, your name is etched in history.”
• Adam Carolla ([188:02]): “To me, the 911 calls do not need to be public record. And I do think they're going to get a celebrity killed one of these days ...”

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• 01:45–10:50 — Allison’s accident & “no harm, no foul” / bathroom & public etiquette
• 13:10–23:00 — Dr. Drew annoyances & relationship grievance loop
• 27:14–29:36 — Award show hosts, LL Cool J
• 29:31–37:53 — “Is Robin Thicke any good?” Pop production, radio formats, talk/late-night hosts vs. actors
• 105:21, 151:56–154:11 — Thanksgiving: Food rants, menu betrayals, Jello & Tupperware nostalgia
• 123:54–143:09 — Sports: Goalposts, Tomlin controversy, Kobe’s contract, Connect 4 legend
• 60:52–78:46 — Military spouse caller, anniversary gifts, relationship farting, dating advice
• 188:02–191:19 — Newton 911 tapes & public information

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Tone & Language

Throughout, the language is unfiltered, irreverent, full of riffs, frankness, and plenty of back-and-forth. The tone swings from raucously comedic and occasionally blue, to wistful, self-deprecating, or even borderline philosophical about the state of media, relationships, and modern life.

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Conclusion

This “Carolla Classics” episode showcases the recurring themes that define Adam Carolla’s podcast: everyday grievances rendered hysterically epic, the comfort and irritation of long-term relationships (professional, familial, marital), endless deconstruction of pop culture and media, and a fondness for panel riffs that blur the line between juvenile and trenchant social commentary. With Greg Fitzsimmons, Dave Damashek, David Wild, Steve Hofstadter, and the rest of the cast, listeners get a front-row seat to “unfiltered humor, sharp insights, and candid takes”—vintage Carolla.

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Recommended for:
Fans of spontaneous, uncensored conversation, quick-witted panel banter, sports and music tangents, and honest (if often bawdy) reflections on life’s daily absurdities.

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(End of Summary)

Transcript

[Allison Rosen]

Searching for a romantic summer getaway escape with Rich Girl Summer, the new Audible original from Lily Chiu, the exquisitely talented Philippa Hsu. Returning to narrate her fifth Lily Chu title. This time Philippa is joined by her real life husband, Steven Pasquale. Set in Toronto's wealthy cottage country, AKA the Hamptons of Canada, Rich Girl Summer.

[Adam Carolla]

Follows the story of Valerie, a down.

[Allison Rosen]

On her luck event planner posing as a socialite's long lost daughter while piecing.

[Adam Carolla]

Together the secrets surrounding a mysterious family.

[Allison Rosen]

And falling deeper and deeper in love.

[Adam Carolla]

With the impossibly hard to read and infuriatingly handsome family assistant Nico. Caught between pretending to belong and unexpectedly.

[Allison Rosen]

Finding where she truly fits in, Valerie learns her summer is about to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Far more complicated than she ever planned.

[Allison Rosen]

She's in over her head and head over heels. Listen to Rich Girl Summer now on audible. Go to audible.com richgirlsomer.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classic available ad free through Podcast one Premium. And if you'd like to find ad.

[Adam Carolla]

Free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well as exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat It out. Check out Adam Krola's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicskorolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Crolla show 1216, Greg Fitzsimmons, David Wilde, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Good day Adam Carolla I got rear ended on my way here. I'm fine, everything's fine, it's all fine. But there were so many people honking and I was so frazzled and harried and just stressed that I didn't see any damage. And the girl was like, I think they just tapped you. So then I was like, she's like, I think you're okay. But she apologized and then I'm like, okay. And I just got in my car and drove away. Good thinking. If I get home and in the light see damage, I'm going to be kicking myself that I didn't get her info. It was more than a tap.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had that happen. And I was on a freeway and I just thought first off, climbing out of your car on the freeway. Try to explain this to white folk who live in decent neighborhoods who are under the age of 65, this is the way you will get killed. Statistically, it's not going to be a stray bullet, and it's not gonna be a gang banger putting a shiv in you when you're in line at the cafeteria or anything. This is the way whitey dies. Who lives in a nice neighborhood is you get a flat tire, you get out of your car at night, you're off by the side of the freeway, and you get killed. Statistically, those are the top five ways you get killed. If you're under a certain age, certain income bracket, and so on and so forth. I don't know why we're so casual about it. So if somebody taps you and you're on the freeway and. And you think maybe there's some damage, maybe there isn't. Think about the damage to your skull. But if you got out.

[Allison Rosen]

I was on a little side street.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. For me, I was just like, I'm on the 101. And I got tapped. It's a lease. I'll be fine. Good day, Bill Bryant.

[David Damaschek]

Look, mother, I'm telling you, that was Andy Manjarrez. Wanted to hear that. Topdrop on Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to get more into this in a second. David Wild, good to speak to you this year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I am giving thanks for Adam Carolla, but I do want to say, am I feel bad? Am I the only one who got turned on when Allison said she was rear ended and then a woman said she tapped her?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, Your son's out there, David.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just get turned on by accident? No, it's nothing sexual.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I was, well t boned in a sense, when I climbed in my car to come here because I did this thing where. I don't know why, but the news on the AM dial, halfway in is always better than at the beginning where there's a context. So here's what I heard. So, you know, mostly it's like, all right, well, now it's the top of the hour. We're gonna take a news break. We'll be right back with Bubba after this. And then they go into the news. I just turned on my car, and it was halfway into the news, and I turned over my car.

[David Damaschek]

And it wasn't our top story. It was our medium story.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, maybe it was. Maybe it was toward the top, but they'd already gotten started. I had not been eased into the news. And it was. The boys had been Lured over to the coach's house, shown pornographic films and then molested. Then without a pause, Wizards down, The Lakers won 10 to 103. Sloan, go traffic on the 61 News. I was like, I need a. I know they don't let you do this, but I need that part where the guy goes, lured the kids over to the house, showed them pornographic films and then molested them anyway. You know what I mean? Now going to the all important Wizards. Downing of the Lakers, 110 to 103. He just fucking blasted right in. But somehow landing halfway into the lord of the house.

[Caller]

Sh.

[Adam Carolla]

All I know is there was a group of kids that were brought to a home. They were shown pornography. They were 12 years old. And then they were molested. And of course the Lakers continued to lose weight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At least he didn't see good times in between. There could have been an awkward transition.

[Adam Carolla]

I know they don't trust these guys to talk because something like that will come out and always seems to come out and ends up on Jimmy Kimmel Live. But good times, if anything, just like a beat of decompression where you go and so close to the holidays. Anyway, off to sports. You know, just that thing. It was just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He literally just a happy Hanukkah, everybody. Something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Blew right into the wizard score and then right into what was going on on the 61.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You said blue.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And the four pass. I. It was almost surreal. So I love the no harm, no foul part of life. I love the part where somebody bumps into someone and says, excuse me. And the person goes, ah, that's fine. Instead of that weird sort of outraged, sort of moon eyed look where people are like, huh, what are you doing? Especially when they're in a place like an airplane aisle. Expect other human beings may make contact with you. Again, stepping out of your shower. If a guy bangs you with his rolling Samsonite, then go ahead and be surprised on the southwest flight. Don't have that look.

[David Damaschek]

It's part of the flight, it's part of the experience. Part of the game day experience.

[Adam Carolla]

It is my old couple walking the dog on the. You know the streets along the hills that don't have sidewalks as you come around the corner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Surprised by the fact that automotive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you're walking on a place that was built for automobiles. Not for you to walk your dog. It was built for automobiles. It's. You don't have to have the complete nutter meltdown and freak out look when said automobile comes around said corner. You should get suspicious if you don't see one for more than 15 seconds. Speaking of being surprised and hit in the rear, had this. We've talked about this bathroom etiquette all the time. And sadly, just talking about the other day, which is when dudes are sitting, you know, there is some anchor chain being laid. Yes. And that is something that you ladies. You really don't. You don't.

[Allison Rosen]

There's two things a teen could be growing a tail. Who knows?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, maybe it's 70 cents on the dollar, a little inequality, sprinkling of rape, all that stuff. But the part where you get to live six, seven years longer than us, that's a pretty big deal. The part where you get to go to the bathroom and no one knows if you're shitting and we always just assume you're peeing because there's probably 70, 75, 25 SW on the P versus Duke in terms of what you do during the course of the day. That's a big perk. And then the auto insurance breaks.

[Allison Rosen]

All the breaks.

[Adam Carolla]

Well.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd argue that living longer is the ultimate break if you really want to just sort of break it down. Having a good five years plus on the dudes, that's pretty good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But during those five years, will I ever get to write my name with urine? Will I ever get to pee off the side of a balcony without splashing all over everything?

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. And I've tried that with my daughter when she. It was a dis. But I'm on the pot. And Olga, the nanny does that move that we can't stand. It's the move. The only time it's acceptable is if you're 17 and your sister's friends are over for like a pool party and you want to see some 17 year old or 16 year old booby where you knock and walk. Yeah. Excuse me, anybody in? You know when you're flinging the door open to the changing room, if you're just gonna be entering, all you're giving me time to do is look at you and us establish eye contact while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this something you did or a DVD extra from like Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

[Adam Carolla]

I was sitting on the pot not two hours ago. Olga did the. Anybody in there? As the door was being pushed open, all I could do was look up and go. Yeah. As we were looking at each other while I was on the COVID I was. I was in a position where she was. It was really. It was out of a movie. Like it was all side thigh and, you know, My sacks in the drink, you know, I mean, I'm at that point, you know, I know that ain't that. She ain't seeing any of that, but she literally knocked like it was one motion. Pushing the door open with the knock with the. Anybody in there? As I was going, yeah, no, she was in. There's gotta be a three Mississippi there. You must at least let the person answer. I mean, you really. You really do. It's like saying all four here. Okay, it's passed. You really have to give them on your market.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you are gone. My big fear. And ladies who use tampons without applicators. Sorry, I'm going there. It's been that kind of day. Are going to. They'll relate to this. My big fear is someone walking in on me in a public restroom if I'm changing a tampon. Because what they'll see is me with my finger inside me, and it's not gonna be what they think's happening.

[Adam Carolla]

This is going pretty good about now, huh? David Wilde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm just being quite hoping that she keeps going further with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Front door, back door.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is the first dialogue.

[Allison Rosen]

This is the first time anyone has ever appreciated me talking about periods.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I make a confession?

[Allison Rosen]

My fiance, Daniel, he's tired of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

About a year ago, I had the horror of going. Having headphones on, like, you know, listening to music, leaving the movie at the arc light and going into the wrong bathroom. Going into a. Into one of the little. What would they call it? A cubicle. What do you call it? Bathroom stall. A stall. And then realizing I heard female voices and I was in the ladies room and trying to figure out.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm always afraid of doing that that actually happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was Kafka esque. It was Kafka.

[Allison Rosen]

Were they like, ah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't give a chance for anyone to react. I literally just rushed out and didn't look and kept going and left the theater and have never mentioned it to anyone until right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't it feel good?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It feels good to get it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In that case, you have to walk. There's a way to walk with zero peripheral vision.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how. It's not even anything you do with your face. You just. You stop yourself from seeing anything outside of this tunnel that you're staring through. And you walk with purpose and you lean and somehow you can do it and block out the world.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's like you, when you used to walk into your radio station, probably did exactly that walk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Everybody Goes through. I find a lot of people just go through their day that way. I mean, there's a lot of. You ever see the waiter or the waitress that's walking down your aisle and your hand is up, waving around, and they just literally go right past you? I think they learn to have the tune out walk. That's a job. I don't know. Maybe cop is a tune out job walk. Like, you have to have that. You have to have the ability to have the tune out walk in certain gigs. And if you ever get trapped in a bathroom. Yes.

[David Damaschek]

The opposite of that is stadium concession guy. The guy who is. It's his money. He's technically bought the sodas and he has to sell them now to make a profit.

[Adam Carolla]

He's dropping back like Erlach or going into a hook zone. Sorry. Yeah. Head on a swivel, people. Also, balls of his toes, I should mention. And I've brought it up. I think it's gonna be in my new book, People. I don't know the name of the fourth book should be People think I'm joking, but I'm not. I had this moment where Dr. Drew and I were doing a podcast today. Speaking of that, look at what the animal left behind, Right?

[David Damaschek]

Are we sure it was him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like a petri dish rather than a coffee mug.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I ask you guys, please don't take his side just because he's dreamy, but Dr. Drew and I have been sitting together for Pert near 15 years, and he does a lot of like. We'll be talking, he'll be picking up his mic and doing that with it, you know, And I'll go, stop it. You know, and he'll go, why? Why do you have to be so. And I'll go, just do the show. And physically don't touch your microphone like everyone else does all day, every day. And he's like, I got hands like lobster claws. I'm clumsy. Good. Then put them down by your sides if you're clumsy.

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Best with butter sa.

[Adam Carolla]

Incredibly passive aggressive kosher. He's not alive unless he's yelling at him.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want a doctor with lobster claw hands?

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't do that kind of work. He could drop a claw digit on you. The point is this. He does a lot of like. Then he takes his coffee mug and I have to start cutting out swatches of carpet for him to put. And when he puts his coffee mug down, it's like, you know, he doesn't do it. I do it in a way where I will put my finger under it. I've gotten. I've perfected this sort of ninja esque thing of. Because of my hyper vigilance, not wanting to wake people up, closing doors in such a way where if you put a little skin between you and whatever's making contact, like if you're going to set your coffee mug down, you let your little finger hang down 3, 16 of an inch. It makes contact first, and then you kind of slide it out of the way. But not Drew. Drew will drop it. Drew will take his keys and throw them down. You know, Drew will whack the mic and I'll just be always like, drew.

[David Damaschek]

Ring a dinner bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Hear he, hear he. And I'll go, stop it. And he'll go, what? What's up? Like, what's wrong with you? And I'll go, just stop making so much noise. You're professional. And so I have given him the motherfucking coffee mug speech 271 times. I mean, easily. He's been at least witness to it 15,000 times. Where I'm like, listen to me, if you're gonna drink a cup of coffee, when you're done with your cup, walk it over, give it a little splash of water so it doesn't get that grimy little black slick at the bottom once it dries out. Now someone's gotta take their finger and the scotch side of the sponge and go hit it. Just go fucking rinse it. Drew's gotten this speech 1500 times. We did a couple shows earlier today. He did a show, I think with you, Brian.

[David Damaschek]

I can offer defense after you're done, please. Maybe a slight defense. In his defense, if that is his mug, which it probably is, he was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Being texted according to the Zapruder film, that is. In fact, there might have been a second mug.

[Adam Carolla]

He drinks it black on a grassy knoll.

[David Damaschek]

I did Drew's podcast, and at the end, he pretty much ran out. He was like, I'm sorry. I was on my phone during the thing. I was getting texted by cnn and they want me to be right now. So there was some breaking news. There was some breaking news he had to run out for. So perhaps he slipped his mind to rinse.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But he keeps it on the right, which is closest to the door and right by my microphone, and it's almost a present. That's what I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think he's being passive aggressive?

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is this. I don't know how a man gets as far as he's gotten in terms of his education, in terms of his ability, in terms of his life experiences, not to know that this is not you. Really. It shouldn't slip your mind. And if it does slip your mind, you're missing something with your partner of 15 years. Here's what I do think. I do understand this phenomenon. Dr. Drew likes to be yelled at. Oh, wow. So does Dr. Bruce.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He married well by that.

[Adam Carolla]

And they know what it. They know what it takes. They know what it takes for me to yell at him. And this is exactly it, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Leaving a coffee cup with that in the bottom of it. That's one of the. For you. Yeah. I mean, it's like if we could name off six things that we all know not to do, that's one of them for sure, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Drew, like I said, has been present for thousand of these conversations, but either way. And then it's an interesting thing, because I've had this conversation with my beautiful wife Lynette, in the past where she goes, I'm scared of you. And I always go, oh, no, you're not. I wish you were. I wish you had just an ounce of fear. If you were Dr. Drill, do that. I don't want you to go off on me. No, you'd never leave this mug.

[Allison Rosen]

When does Lynette say she's scared of you?

[Adam Carolla]

I think I was yelling at her about cleaning the bar or something. It was one of the. I don't want to have to ever bring this up again. Please handle this. Please have me not ever bring this up again. And then she said, I'm scared of you. She said, adam, it is.

[David Damaschek]

You're vomit, after all.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, I love getting this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Window into what real men's lives are like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, no, if you're scared. Look, do a scenario. If this was super scary. Stepdad, alcoholic and 12 year old. And he said, you know, you leave that door open again, you're gonna get. My belt's coming up. It doesn't happen. I know what scared is. I've been scared. I've seen people who are scared. I know how that works.

[Caller]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Scared's pretty consistent. It works well. But Drew, that was over just some. You know, just one of those. One of those nonsense. Talked about it too many times conversations. I don't know if you guys do this, but sometimes when you have the same conversation with the same person, you're getting into the 13th episode of that, and you think, why am I doing this? Or like, what are we Doing it's like autopilot, right? But also feels like your life is intentionally being wasted and they're attempting to waste it. I have had this conversation with Drew. I would assume that whether he knows it on a conscious level or not, this is his offering to me and he knows I'm coming in here tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, why not just take a dump on your seat?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. It's nothing short of an attack. But Drew likes it and he likes that dance. And he draws me in. He knows it'll work, which is. He'll just sit there and start back. I'll give you another great Gary, back me up. I'll give you another great Drew example. I tell Drew, and I've always. It's always driven me insane where I've said to Drew, look, I'm doing all the talking. I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm doing all the interviewing, I'm doing all the ins and outs. And all I need you to do is, like, be quiet when I'm going in or coming back or going out, even to this day. And Gary, how many times I told him this, I say to him when I go, all right, well, thank you for joining, man Corolla. That's Chris, Max, Pata. His head start coming off. And right before the mics go out, you'll hear. You'll hear the thing hit three tenths of a second before I sign off. It's could Lee. I know he's in a hurry. I know he's a busy man. One could argue I'm a busy man. Could you leave? Could you sit there until I say bye to Gary Haftard? And we. Then. Then the plot, then the plot. But no, it's the headphones off. And then I'm trying to. Now I'm hurrying. I'm trying to slide it in before, because I can see them going down now. It's been discussed episodes.

[Steve Hofstadter]

He's probably done that 91 times. And the other nine times he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Texting while you were signing off, Right? Yeah. Right. So I'll just fucking do it. And then he can sit there and then we'll just whack up the money and that's cool. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam, is there anyone for whom you have such an overwhelming milk of human kindness and love that you don't get annoyed by anything they do? Like Jimmy Kimmel? I would. In listening to you, I think he tends to be the one who you have the most affection for on earth. Does he do anything that annoys you or is there no one who does not annoy you on some level?

[Adam Carolla]

No, Jimmy does not. But I don't live with Jimmy. I mean, obviously you live with somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Are there things about you that annoy Jimmy?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Look, like I said, when everyone's rich and no one lives together, it's a lot easier to not be annoyed. I would say my writing partner, Kevin Hench, because he's like me times two. It's just, he's, you know, if something. If you're meeting him at 1:30 in the afternoon, he said he's there at 1:29. If you've told him something two weeks ago to bring something with him, you don't ever have to call him and remind him, like, it's just. He's just Johnny on the spot. Pick yourself up iron bootstraps. Like, take care of business. Like, it's all. There's no. There's just no bullshit with that guy. It's just all. All fucking business. But also he has the. I think he has a hyper vigilance disorder as well. I'm just saying, why, if you tell somebody, cease from doing this, must you then have to have the. Ceased from doing this conversation again and again and again with a super highly educated adult individual like Dr. Drew? Unless it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's this bitch called free will that other humans have too, and they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it up right now. I understand. Like, I'm not. The whole thing is, I'm not trying to manipulate you. I just don't want to hear your headphones hit the console as I'm saying mahalo. I want to hear that two seconds after I say mahalo. So you're going to have to fight that impulse that as the guy who's doing the heavy lifting in the. In the relationship, as that person is doing what that person is doing, you're going to have to possibly put your hands on your knees until you hear mahalo. And then you can throw him on the ground, in which case that's gonna cost you an extra second.

[David Damaschek]

He starts to shake.

[Adam Carolla]

You remember when we used to do Loveline, how his coffee would show up as the show started? I know. Told a million times, but every show would start off with this.

[David Damaschek]

I'd walk in silently. Imagine me walking in with a cup.

[Adam Carolla]

Of coffee, just playing, right? And the show would start, it'd be you, it would be Lauren, sometimes Junior. Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior 1 Lynn there, Junior prod producer Lauren, and hand him his cup of coffee. While I was saying Loveline, Dr. Drew's and he'd just go, thank you, into the mic every time.

[Allison Rosen]

How polite.

[Adam Carolla]

And so I made the proclamation, look, coffee must be brought in. And then I would hear the door, shut the pneumatic door shutter, close the heavy fire door with a thud. And I would say, from now on, coffee before the show starts, not as the show's beginning. At the point of no return, everyone looked at me like a fucking lunatic, like, why are you being an asshole? And I was like, just get the coffee before the show starts. That's all gonna be just five seconds before the show starts. And that happened two nights in a row, and then the next night, it didn't happen again. And then I said something, and then again, they want to know why I was being such a dick. But does that make me a dick?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, thank you.

[David Damaschek]

No, that one thing. No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, it's the collection.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, Gary, why must I. Shall I have another conversation with Dr. Drew about taking his headphones on off and clank them on the console while I'm signing off? I don't see what it's going to do at this point. Right, but. But you've been. You've witnessed, oh, a hundred sixty to seventy times you've mentioned it. It's also weird when you're signing off and your partner's starting to leave. Like, it feels like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the other weird thing is he does a show after Adam and Drew.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Every week, so it's not like he's leaving the building.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're the one leaving the building.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But again, now, again, I'm the dick for saying anything, but who's the real dick in this equation? Dr. Drew. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Dick. Now, where were we? David Wild, sir, you have yourself. Oh, Allison was rear ended. Did we find any damage in your car? I know it's dark outside, so I.

[Allison Rosen]

Haven'T had a chance to really inspect. I didn't see any in the dark.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you're probably fine then.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm probably fine.

[Adam Carolla]

And look, it's just. It's better to be one of those. One of those people.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I know. It's just that it's that it's the first time I've had anything like this happen in the new car, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like if I had a brand new ass and someone rerended it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

David just keeps getting better.

[Adam Carolla]

Score big, baby. Yeah. Holiday season, man, you got to give some gifts. How about a great experience? How about a show? How about a game? Man, forget about those Starbucks cards and all that. Just Pile up and forget about scorebig.com guaranteed to save money on every ticket, every day. Every ticket is below box office price. From the rafters to the front row. NBA, NHL or whatever you like. Football, hoops, college games, whatever you like. Bowl games. Score Big has tickets months in advance. Theater and family shows, too. Disney on Ice, Harlem Globetrotters. Love those guys. Exclusive for my listeners. Go to scorebig.com, click on the radio button and enter Adam for an extra 15 bucks off your first purchase. That's scorebig.com click on the radio button and enter Adam. All right, David Wilde.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went through Score Big to get my Dodgers tickets this year. And they brought my family closer together. That's what Score Big does. They bring families closer together.

[Adam Carolla]

You should do a testimonial day. They're great. Grammy nomination concert. Yeah, that's where they coming up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's coming up next Friday night on cbs. That's LL Cool J hosting what we announced the. We figured he should host something. He should try it.

[David Damaschek]

He was still there from the last thing he hosted. So there's like, well, he's already here.

[Adam Carolla]

I really do think, like, if you would like to have a. If you'd like to do an award show and not have LL Cool J host it, you need to get a special permit.

[David Damaschek]

Yeah. Go through a lot of red tape.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thank God for LL Cool J.

[Adam Carolla]

My God, does that guy host. I'm telling you, soon there will be a law passed where he has to retroactively be put into shows where he wasn't born. Like the, the third, the 22nd Academy Awards.

[David Damaschek]

Didn't Bob Hope host that?

[Adam Carolla]

John Wayne and Bob Hope and LL Cool J, like, zellig. Like, he's gonna have to be. We're gonna have to just shove him into things. Cause it'd be confusing to future generations of shows that aren't hosted by LL.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cool J. I'll tell you, he didn't host my older son's bar mitzvah, but we fixed that for the second one.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like saying Tom Brady plays a lot of football games. Cause he wins. You keep a winning guy in.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I understand, but I don't know who has hosted more shows. You know, they do the Oscars every year. They do the Emmys every year. And it's this guy one year and that guy the next year. They'll string together a little Billy Crystal on occasion, but they do a lot of, you know, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and then Seth MacFarlane and Jimmy Kimmel. It's like there's a lot of Jon Stewart's, a lot of LL Cool J's just there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm working with six different hosts in the next week. I'm doing so many shows, I can't tell you. I thank God every time there's someone like LL because he's just dependable. He's like a quarterback. You know, he's going to do well for you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so that is live and that is Friday, December 6th on CBS, 7pm who else is going to be playing there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Robin Thicke, Keith Urban, a bunch of people. You will enjoy, I promise.

[Adam Carolla]

Is Robin Thicke talented?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he is talented, yes. He actually is a talented guy. As a writer, producer. He was really talented early on. And a critics darling. Blurred Lines has become this sort of, like, conscience. It's so big, it becomes controversial and, you know, so. But I think he's a talented guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Do. Not that they care because they're too busy being balls deep and coked up supermodels and rolling on a pile of cash. But does it hurt these guys? Like, I don't know, like, when people say to me, like, miley Cyrus, is she good? Like, I'll go, I don't know. She's a twerker chick. Like, I don't know if Robin Thicke, he's the guy with this sunglasses who seems to nail all the hot ladies. Like, I don't know if he's good or not. Like, he's good at. You know what I mean? Don't you feel like. But, you know, you knew Tom Petty was good in 1979.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But now we don't know. It's all just one thing.

[Allison Rosen]

They're so, so produced that you can't really tell where the performer is in that and what was their part and also whether it's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the best way to figure that out would be to watch the Grammy nomination concert live on CBS next Friday. You'll figure that. Or you could watch the CMA Country Christmas on Monday or the Hanukkah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all hosted by LL Cool J.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is no Jennifer Nettles. Ll was unavailable. So the girl from Sugar Land who's really very great.

[Adam Carolla]

LL Cool J does the Hanukkah special.

[Allison Rosen]

But I think Adam is asking a really interesting question, which is you're a music critic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

For the layperson, how do you tell?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She said layperson.

[Allison Rosen]

No, how do you tell if the performer you're watching is good or not? Like with a guitar player, if they're doing all fancy stuff then you know.

[Adam Carolla]

What would that sound like? Brian? Sorry. If the guitar player starts doing a.

[Allison Rosen]

Lot of things like that, if there's a lot of wheedle yeetlies then you know. But with someone like Robin Thicke or Miley Cyrus, how do we know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The measure is you see someone live and if they can pull it off and if you can tell that they're really singing because there are people who live, it's all tape. But I think the measure is performing for people in a room. If you can do that, you're talented.

[Adam Carolla]

Even that which is. I don't know why this just jumps to mind but I think it was Austin City Limits and many years ago I saw like the Dixie Chicks. Yeah. And it's just the Dixie Chicks and one chick's playing a guitar and the other chick's playing the banjo and it's like oh my God, these chicks are talented. They sound great. They're all playing their instruments. Amazing. Yeah. Even when you see the MTV show there is a wall of produced sound with a bunch of tracks backtracks being played. There's so much choreography and so much ass shaking and cannons going off with confetti that I'm not even sure if they're good even though it's a live performance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're totally right. And I'll tell you an example of an artist that proves your point and is I think being hurt by the fact that she's making music now and trying to compete in the pop world. Lady Gaga. I've seen her with Elton John at a rehearsal at the Grammys, literally just at a piano singing and going back and forth with Elton John who's friggin brilliant at that. I've seen her do the same thing with Jennifer Nettles, that woman who I just mentioned at the Grammy nomination concert a year ago or two years ago. But her records are her trying to keep up with the. It's keeping up with the Katy Perrys and the Rihanna's and at a certain point all of them are trying to recreate something Madonna did six years ago and trying to have more and more production. And in the case of Lady Gaga, I believe it swamped her talent. Like she has made the same Madonna esque record three times in a row. And she's not just that. I think she has the having been in a, you know, five feet from her watching her play, she could make a great record just sitting at a piano and singing a song. But she hasn't done it because getting on radio now you have to sound vaguely hip hop enough to get on the radio. So they all swamp it in collaborations and guest appearances. And R. Kelly has to be somewhere in the picture at all times.

[Adam Carolla]

By law. Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And TI Must be somewhere in the room, these sort of things. I think there's some artists who are badly served by it, and she's an example. I think she's made the wrong record a few times.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So if you're an artist who has a good look, has a good physique, hides behind it, then the thing. It's an interesting thing because there's certain things in our society that have been put in place in order to protect the talent, so to speak. I've always said this with radio. First off, you know, it's like, why are they constantly. Why are they moving so fast? You know, why are they giving the temp out and the timeout? Why they keep talking about this, what happened in the first hour and what's coming up in the next hour and stuff. Because if you left the fair to middling talent alone with the microphone for an 18 minute stretch, nothing good would come out of their fucking mouth. There is a format that is built around morning radio that says, I will protect you. Because if you really think about it, how many truly funny people do you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's even a lot of Craig Fitzsimmons and maybe you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And your son.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My son Alan, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

The bottom line is, even comedians oftentimes can be very disappointing because they're more writer performers or whatever. The stuff's rehearsed and they're sort of like magic.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not extemporaneous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're like magicians. They have an act, they put it together. It takes skill to pull it off. So how many guys doing morning radio do you think if you just sliced them open and see how much funny bled out of them, how much is really there? So you build a format and then once in a while a guy like Howard Stern comes around and they go, hey, get in the format. And he goes, I don't want to do the format. I want to go long form. And they go, oh, no, no, no, we're not going to expose you. The format is built to protect you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So now there are only two guys in radio history who I ever listened to and would change my plans to listen to you and Stern. And that's literally it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you're loud coming in the studio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In the entire history of radio.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's like. And I'm sure you've experienced this. If you ever don't want to use a teleprompter when it's a show that's used to doing teleprompter, that makes them nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. As the great Daisy Fuentes said to me many years ago during the Teen Choice Awards, when Dr. Drew, herself, and myself were ready to walk out in the Santa Monica hangar that they held it in. And I said, let's forget about that prompter. Let's wing it. Let's have some fun. And she said, I'm sticking to the prompter. And I said, come on. I said. I remember saying to her, we're about to walk out on stage, this big sold out thing. And I said, don't you want to look back in 50 years and really just go, wow, that was fun. Like, that's how I led my life. And she goes, I don't want to look back in 15 minutes and be miserable. I remember those were her exact words. And the only other thing I remember from that is they handed me a surfboard and they said, you're going to present this to the winner. It's called the Woody. And I said, woody's a station wagon that surfers use. And he said, yeah, this is a surfboard. It's called a Woody. Bring it. No, no. Woody's a wagon. It's not a surfboard. Just hand this thing to the guy, would you, when he comes out there, for the love of Christ. All right. But you shouldn't have named it the Woody. The Woody's a station wagon that has the wood siding on it. I remember that. I don't know if it's still called the Woody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. No, no, it is. I worked on that show and I'm flashing back to doing with Katy Perry was hosting with the men of Glee, including, unfortunately, the young man we lost who was such a good guy. But it was she and Russell Brand, right before the show, called me into his. Her trailer and we changed everything. We just rewrote the show and. And then handed it to the guys as they were walking out on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

To host Prompter guys. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, to the guys from Glee. They had not seen any of it before they walked out there. That was rough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. Well, again, the format in radio is to protect the talent and there's a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Format and to disguise an absence of talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. And then this bleeds into music as well. We're doing all this autotune stuff and have this big thing and this big pulsating whatever. But every once in A while when a Howard Stern does come around or a Lady Gaga, they can get swept up into it. And then you just assume they don't have the goods to deliver an acoustic, you know, solo, whatever, because they're too busy trying to blend in with, you know, Paris Hilton or whoever's cutting the album who does not possess any actual talent.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. No, I think that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Bald Brian, you got a little hooray for Baldiwood. By the way, you did the Hunger Games.

[David Damaschek]

Hunger Games 2 Catching Fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Did that thing make like 130 million bucks?

[David Damaschek]

60 over the weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

160.

[David Damaschek]

That's something like that. It was an absurd number.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna say it now. I think that Jennifer Lawrence is gonna be a star.

[David Damaschek]

Yeah, she's got something it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, speaking of money, by the way, before you prime or prime yourself, get ready. 140 million now says Gary over there. Borrow.com, baby, need cash. You want to get it fast. You got a bill, something needs to be repaired. You don't want to go to the bank. You don't want to max out that credit card. B O R R O dot com. It's brilliant. It's easy, smart. It's fast. You can get cash wired right to your account. Just visit borrow.comadam. tell a friendly agent what you'd like to borrow on. Jewelry, antiques, even a car. Just assess the value of the car, and then they'll give you a certain percentage of it. And percentage rates incredibly realistic. I was very surprised. Go to borrow.com. they handle everything. They'll appraise your item, wire the cash, put it right in your account. All in as little as 24 hours only for my listeners. Zero interest for the first month. See how much cash you can get wired to your account within 24 hours. Totally interest free the first month, even if you don't need cash today. Try borrow.com right now and just see how it works. Pick any valuable item you own. Go to Borrow B O r r o.com adam and chat with the borrow agent. In minutes, you'll get a range of how much cash you could have wired into your account in 24 hours. Visit b o r r o.com Adam borrow.com Adam. All right. Should we do a little hooray for Baldingwood? Hooray for Bollywood? He will tell you if I move movies. Good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue before you spend bucks. Remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck Piece of shit. Transformers to hooray for Bounty War.

[David Damaschek]

The Hunger Games Catching Fire is in theaters now. Adam, I assume your kids are a little too young for Hunger Games.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, no, I.

[David Damaschek]

About four or five years.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we got. I just show him the Deer Hunter and it freaked him out. So I'm off that. We went Deer Hunter and we went Pepillon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Showa.

[Adam Carolla]

Went Showa. We went behind the green door, and then we went behind the brown door, which is even. We're really the worst. Really further down that rabbit hole.

[David Damaschek]

Did you get to Midnight Express or did that.

[Adam Carolla]

It was in the queue, but kids just couldn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not a traditional Thanksgiving movie, but.

[David Damaschek]

I think it has some to look forward to.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, David?

[David Damaschek]

Wow, your kids must be.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we did the man who Fell to Earth too. I love Bowie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My kids are boys. They're boys and they don't really care. They know it's good. They know the girls they like like it, but they're not that interested in Hunger Games.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? It's a girls thing.

[David Damaschek]

I'm glad you said that, because it is a movie that feels very aimed towards teen girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Why with all that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If I'm wrong, my son should run in and explain I'm wrong. But I'm pretty sure that's I'm speaking the truth.

[David Damaschek]

That said, it's a very good version of a movie that's made for teen girls. I'm not really saying rush out and see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying do you see the first one?

[David Damaschek]

I did see the. And I actually kind of like the first one. And I kind of like this one. They're well made movies. This is directed by the guy who did I Am Legend. So the guy made a good movie before. And this with it's a great cast. Jennifer Hutchinson. Excuse me, Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth. And then Woody Harrelson's greatness. Elizabeth Banks is great in.

[Adam Carolla]

This is. Woody Harrelson is. He has become the new Oliver Platt. Like, someone needs to explain to Oliver Platt, like, you understand why you don't get to be in every second movie produced now. It's because Woody Harrelson is now in every second movie, produced, produce. He is one of the most unlikely stars.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know he's not a leading man, but I mean, at some point when Woody Harrelson was leaving Idaho at age 22, saying, I'm off to Hollywood or New York, someone had to go like, are you nuts? Get back on the tractor. No. And then he did cheers plus his.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dad may have been. Since we're the 50th anniversary, his dad maybe took out JFK.

[Adam Carolla]

You know that, right? Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was thinking, like, this guy has overcome so much. He's not conventional leading man. His dad probably shot jfk.

[Adam Carolla]

His dad killed somebody and was in the joint.

[David Damaschek]

Holy shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But is one of the top three or four candidates for the second on the grassy knoll was Woody's dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You could look it up.

[David Damaschek]

Know about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And then after Cheers, where he played sort of a dullard named Woody, then his hair fell out. Yep. So it's like, where do you go from here? Well, I'm gonna launch my theatrical career. Like, no, you're not. Yeah, I know he's good, but I mean, this is in so many now in. Him and McConaughey are in, like in the last 18 months have been in. It's either like, it's again, you want to host a show, ll's got to host it. You want to make a movie. We got McConaughey. Or do you got Woody? Otherwise, we can't start production.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If we could get LL to host a tribute to Woody Harrelson with the first presenter being Matthew McConaughey, we'd have something.

[David Damaschek]

Woody's the two time Oscar nominee. He is a under the radar, great actor and he's very good in this.

[Adam Carolla]

But Oliver Platt still gotta be pissed.

[David Damaschek]

Oliver Platt's gotta be pissed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His Zombieland made fall in love with him. I think that's one of my top 10 movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're in an HBO movie coming out too together. Yeah, they're cops.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Nowhere near the Edge. It's a drama series. Yeah, it's gonna be called not near the Edge.

[David Damaschek]

Nice.

[Allison Rosen]

They both look like puppets of them in this photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Damaschek]

Who do you think is the biggest star to come out of that Cheers cast? Kelsey Grammer or Woody Harrelson?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, theatrically you gotta go Woody. And I don't know if you go like, who's made more money? What's our yard kicker?

[David Damaschek]

Well, Kelsey's a multiple Emmy award winner.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Danson has never stopped working in series, so he's getting big checks.

[Adam Carolla]

I just.

[David Damaschek]

Woody's the working actor.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, considering that we look at movies as the sort of big leagues versus TVs kind of farm team, I mean, it's different now with all these Homelands and all the Breaking Bads and everything. But. But the end all and be all is. How many box office movies have you been in? How many what? Have you been nominated? Everyone wants to get nominated for an Oscar. It goes, you know, Oscar, Grammy or Emmy. Local Emmy. Daytime Emmy. There's this sort of pecking order.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're going for Shelley Long' cause of true Beverly Hills.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely true.

[David Damaschek]

I saw where we were going with that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where I was going. Shelley Long. Yes, yes.

[David Damaschek]

So I would give the edge to Woody T. Anyway, this is indicative of the movie. It's fine. There's more interesting things to talk about. The real weak part of the cast, and it's a great cast. I was saying Philip Seymour Hoffman is in this. Donald Sutherland. Stanley Tucci is fantastic. Lenny Kravitz in this movie. He's in the first movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You always go after the Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[David Damaschek]

It's almost unfair to Lenny because he's so charisma free. They put him around all these amazing actors who are over the top, opulent around him. They're overacting for a reason because it's a ridiculous, absurd premise they're in. And here's Lenny just. Just dragging every. He makes the movie 5% worse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you'll like it because he breaks into American Woman to Jennifer Lawrence at one point. And I think you'll appreciate that I am.

[Adam Carolla]

And no one can ever convince me otherwise. I'm convinced that he picks his songs based on how he looks in front of a full length mirror with a huge scarf and no shirt playing that song. And that's a horrible, horrible, horrible song that should have never been made in the first place. But Lenny Kravitz only did it because he looked cool doing it. I'm convinced of that. I hated him before American Woman. I loathe and despise him now. I'm glad he's a horrible actor. I think he's one of those guys who goes, I'm Lenny Kravitz. We're looking at a picture of the masters. I don't have to burn calories. I don't have to try.

[David Damaschek]

In this movie. He plays a stylist, and I'm sure that's why he was casting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In his defense, that picture we're looking at now, he was doing some personal shopping for Johnny Depp that day.

[Adam Carolla]

Went scarf shopping.

[David Damaschek]

All right, one criticism. The coolest part of these fantasy movies, superhero, whatever, is the backstory. You know, the first part of Iron man where he's in the cave is the best part of the movie. And I was like, the backstory. I wish there was more backstory in this because it's a cool concept. Your kids probably explain it to you. David Wilde about They're in the future, Adam. And in order to the government. It's a totalitarian government and they select kids to fight to the death on TV against each other. And that's how they keep their districts in line after the uprising. And I was like, I want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Know more about that.

[David Damaschek]

That's interesting. But it just go right in for.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you should read the books, Brian.

[David Damaschek]

I know. I really should.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it because you are in the middle of Twilight right now?

[David Damaschek]

That is exactly what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, which is better, the first or the second hunger of this.

[David Damaschek]

I like them about equally. A lot of people are saying this is better. I think this is getting better reviews. I like them about equal.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? It's funny that. And by the way, you gotta find me when my first Lenny Kravitz douche siding was on a chartered boat on my bachelor party at Lake. I think we're at Lake Arrowhead and I just saved Jeff Ross fall into the water and his watch came off or something. But we're on the boat and you know, sort of the party boat. And the captain had a bunch of CDs. And of course the best of Lenny Kravitz is there because, you know, he did a little research.

[David Damaschek]

They're party CDs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So it was. We just had I Can't Go for that by Hall Notes on the loop. And then the Best of Lenny Kravitz is coming. Cause he knew the ace man had come to party.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Warm up to Maneater.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. We're getting warming up into Maneater. No can do. I can't. Okay, we get it. You can't go for what? Writing a decent fucking lyric, you asshole. I can't go for that. I said fuck. It's such a piece of shit. Why do we know that song? Why do I know all the words to I Can't Go for that? How much coke was dropped off at that program director? Quite a bit, actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not enough.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, why do I know the lyrics to I Can't Go for that? It's just a piece of fucking shit. It does nothing. It. It serves no master. It's not slow, it's not fast. You don't want to dance to it. You don't want to fuck to it. You don't fight to it. You don't want to nap do it. You don't do anything but your own fucking ironically.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't go for that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not. Can I find me that picture. Before I leave, though, I know you got to find the. It's the best of Lenny Kravitz as an antidote.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I give you a song of the. I'd have to wait another year before I give you this song, and I think it's one you'll like.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This song for. It's for. It's a thematic song. It is the best song ever written about Thanksgiving.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it is by Ray Davis from the Kinks. Ray Davies, often called. No, but I asked him once, I asked him, he goes, it's Davis. And he, you know, he. He says, it's Davis.

[Adam Carolla]

My grandmother insisted it was pronounced hors d' oeuvre er, but everyone just thought she was a cunt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is Thanksgiving Day by Ray Davis.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what year is this from?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

2006. It's sort of a kinky Thanksgiving song, if you will. See what I did there? Because he's in the Kinks.

[Adam Carolla]

We heard you. We just chose not to react. Come on over.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Thanksgiving Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Papa looks over at the smoke. That Van Morrison's horn section behind him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's very Van.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. He moved to America and it's a song about America, really. He lived in New Orleans at the time. And it has that southern horn thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Over. It's all over. It's all over. All right. Pot it down a little. Where can we find this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you can find it, it's on. Go to. I would suggest going through AdamCarola.com to Amazon and look for a record called Other People's Lives by Ray Davis. It's hard to find. It was a. I think it's probably. You can. You'd have to. You can get it for like 99 cents. It's probably out of print kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at Lenny Kravitz's greatest hits here. What a shock. Striking a pose that. If you were doing an SNL skit making fun of Lenny Kravitz, that's the pose you would be in.

[David Damaschek]

He's wearing a button up shirt where.

[Adam Carolla]

More buttons are undone than done right. And he's showing his balance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like Lenny, but I will tell you the one story he did. I think I might have told you this once. I interviewed him when he was opening for the Stones. Went to his hotel room in Michigan. He sat in bed and did the interview. He got out of bed. He had slept in leather pants. He had something wrapped around him fashionably. It was like he lives a fashion Shoot. He is a fashion shoot.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that got me is when I was on this guy's vessel, when we were, you know. Excuse me, when we were heading out to, you know, Blue Azure Cove or whatever, I just started counting the pictures of Lenny Kravitz in his Best of as I was folding the CD jacket open. And Gary, I don't know if that's possible, but I think I counted 51 pictures of Lenny in his Best of. It's the COVID it's the back, it's all the in between. It's the little pamphlet that comes with it. There was literally. I sat. That's why I spent my bachelor party doing counting the number. And some were little, small, little boxes and windows of it. There were 51 fucking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You combine black beauty with Jewish arrogance, this is gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

He's easy on the eyes. We get it. That's why there's a picture of him on the COVID of everything. All right, I'm just saying, you go the Boston route, you know what I mean? You take that spaceship guitar and put.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It on the COVID One of the new members of Boston asked if you would like to have them in. You know, they have a new album in December, so would you like Boston in here?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do my. My 70s sitcom answer. Would I like it? No, I'd love it. All right, that's right. Every joke from every 70s sitcom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll tweet them tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Please do. All right. The great David Wilde live, next Friday, December 6th. That's on CBS at 7pm that's the Grammy nomination concert. You can also tweet him Wild about music. We have some of your phone calls out there, so we want to get to you guys, so hang on. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitz Dog coming in. We'll do that right after this. It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Caller]

So I've been drinking and I love my girlfriend. I bought her an engagement ring and I want to propose to her. But every time I drink or go have fun with my friends, I think about all this shit I'm missing out on and how I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

There's so much more going on. I don't know, man.

[Caller]

I'm 27. Could settle down.

[Adam Carolla]

I could move on. Do I extend the 20s or do.

[Caller]

I kill the 20s?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Allison Rosen]

My fiance Daniel.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta keep that party train rolling, man.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone play that for her. And then I feel like his decision will be made for him.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sad that guys think that way, but I think almost all guys do at some point. There is the rare exception of the guy who married the high school sweetheart and is more in love 31 years in than he was 30 days in.

[Guest]

You talking about every CBS sitcom?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, every CBS sitcom where the guy.

[Guest]

Still cares that she's. Like, when you were talking about your wife before that the guy is still bothered by a small critique the wife would have of him rather than the complete defense system against the avalanche of shit that you really get.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I obviously. Thank you.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Are you listening, honey?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't quit your job at Hallmark. No, we all know that you get to that point where they say something shitty about you, you say something shitty about them. But in according to Jim, she says, you know, your ukulele playing is not nearly as crisp as it was when we met. And he. That becomes the entire episode.

[Guest]

He's taking lessons now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's gonna prove her wrong. There's gonna be a big banquet where he's gonna get up and insist on playing. But then shenanigans will happen after that, like, will ensue. If my wife said something like that to me, I would just keep walking like, it wouldn't even slow me down.

[Allison Rosen]

How does that set in?

[Adam Carolla]

It should never start. Like, it really should never.

[Guest]

It should end before the marriage begins. Because a marriage, you know. What is the outcast song? Roses smell like shit. Roses come from shit. Marriage comes from shit. You shit out everything. And then you realize, if something can grow out of this, then we have a marriage. You can't. It's been a rough week.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that kind of stuff where somebody. Greg is exactly right. There's these little critiques. Well, first off, the wives are 100 pounds lighter than they are and look like models. They're fat, balding dudes who can't take any criticism whatsoever.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm saying, when does the avalanche of shit. I feel like it sounds like what you're saying is, eventually you get to a point in a marriage where there's just this buildup of critiques that none of them hold any weight anymore necessarily. And I'm wondering, when does that start?

[Guest]

Well, I guess it's like, you know, you build up calluses, so it's only the overhand right that's landing anymore. And in the sitcoms, it's like, yeah, you know. You know what? I think Your mother didn't like my cake. Creates an actual reaction from the husband.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. And that. That 14 years into a Marriage is somewhere between. Well, as the great William Refrigerator Perry once said to me when we were fishing and I pulled up like an 8 ounce guppy, he said, son, you done worked your way up to a zero. Made me laugh. I don't know why. Two things I remember from that trip. One is that the other is he had a huge ring. It wasn't a Super bowl ring, it was just a big ring. And every single beer we drank, and we drank a lot of beer, was this huge bear claw of a hand grabbing the top of the beer bottle and just using the ring as an opener, just. There you go. You know, you need fresh one, you need a colon. You just take this claw of a hand and pop it and hand it to you. He loves fucking fishing.

[Guest]

You didn't need to finish the story when you said the time I went fishing with Refrigerator Perry. I was in. I could have gone to bed after that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was me, Jimmy and William, the refrigerator Perry after 86. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yes, those little things, like the cake's a little dry, don't bother anyone. Again, like, not having the second cup of coffee at the boss's house is not gonna haunt you for the rest of the evening either. You just sort of keep moving with that stuff.

[Guest]

Yeah, I think that the key is if there's a collection of things that hint towards her fucking another guy, you start paying attention. Short of that, there's no real comments that light me up.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like to see a sitcom that had the courage to, in act one, make the guy think she was seeing another guy. Always in Act 3, she's planning a surprise party for him. But in act three, she's actually fucking this guy balls deep. Just 69. When he comes walking in a room, her face is glazed and he thinks she's planning a surprise party, right? So when he kicks open the door with the big smile. Hey, I never thought I'd be happy to see the 40. What? And he's just face fucking her, right?

[Guest]

And he. And the guy still thinks the party's coming.

[Adam Carolla]

He still thinks so. He's still waiting.

[Guest]

He's. He's got his tongue all the way down her hole.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got the index figure circles to and fro on her forehead. Cross her forehead while her. Well against a.

[David Damaschek]

He's on top of.

[Adam Carolla]

He's on top. Yes, Right. They're on a slab too. It's not even a raised foundation. There's no give at all.

[Guest]

There's no give. He's got a 25 pound weight on his back, strapped to his ass, deeper into her hole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And the thing is, is when he starts to. He hasn't even started to come when the guy comes in. And that's their thing. That's what gets him off. It's the guy believing the surprise party still happening.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta get in the room. If they bring a corn and gym back and. Or mother may I, I don't know what those fuck are those? What the married to it? I don't know. Close quarters.

[Guest]

We're gonna need a pretty tough chick to get underneath. Jim Bellucci.

[Adam Carolla]

We won't be graphic with.

[David Damaschek]

Oh, yeah, Ken. Queens is out.

[Guest]

Yeah. He walks in, he goes, why is there a fat guy on my bed? Doesn't even see the wife, right?

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, Fitz Dog can be found his CD and his DVD Life on Stage available on Amazon. You know what to do. Give us a nice little bookmark. Also, the live show Laugh Boston. When is that coming up, by the way? Oh, I saw her December 5th through the 7th. So that's coming up December 7th. Yeah. And the podcast, Fitz Dawg Radio. New episodes available on Tuesday and Friday on iTunes. Website fitzdog.com. you guys want to try a couple of phone calls before we get to the news and such. Somebody says his wife is deployed in Afghanistan. I want to talk to her and him. Jared or Jarrett. Sorry. 28, San Antonio.

[Caller]

Yeah. So my wife is. She's deployed right now and our anniversary is coming up next week. So I wanted to know what will be a decent anniversary gift, do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably 69ing some staff sergeant in Tikrit right now.

[Guest]

Yeah. Can you pick one if she sends you pictures, at least if you get to pick them.

[Caller]

She is a staff, actually. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And are you sending. Would you ever worry about that? Like, I imagine she's an attractive lady. A lot of those. You know, a lot of the women in the military, they're physically fit. Sometimes the hair's a little on the short side, but other than that, like, you check out the chicks in, like, the Israeli army and stuff. That's some pretty hot. Pretty hot ass over there.

[David Damaschek]

I'm just guessing it's not a very sexy situation. I think you feel very sexy when you're deployed.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you feel extra sexy. You've been deployed.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand. But if there's a thing where it's like, we may get in that Humvee, go down that dirt road and never come back again, I'm thinking there's a few things I want to do if I'm not gonna be back ever again.

[Guest]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And one of them is fuck Jarrett's wife. I mean, I don't say his name.

[Guest]

Right? Right. No, she is. She's in a lot of buckets. She has a lot of bucket lists that she is on.

[David Damaschek]

You mean Staff Sergeant Jones?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I want to do it in something made of plywood. I don't feel like I'm fucking in enough plywood these days. I feel like you're really getting back in touch with your roots like your ancestors did. Fucking in plywood?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you get made a couple splinters.

[Guest]

On your ball sac, that you're back in the groove.

[Adam Carolla]

So what is she doing over there? Jarrett?

[Caller]

She's. Logistics. So she basically does the flight manifest and gets people in and out of the base? Pretty much.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's the second anniversary.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, are you in the military?

[Caller]

I am. I'm actually in the California Air National Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And by the way, let me explain how that conversation goes. Wait. I'll be Jarrett's wife. I got to find out her name. Jarrett. What's your wife's name?

[Caller]

Marilyn.

[Adam Carolla]

Marilyn. All right. I'll be Marilyn. Fitz dog. You want to be the. No, no, Allison. You be Marilyn. This will be easier. I'll be the guy who's trying to fuck you.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How long you been deployed over here?

[Allison Rosen]

Gosh, I guess like, a year.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that just a standard issue top, or is that thing fitted? I didn't know they were allowed to fit those things.

[Allison Rosen]

They all fit me like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hold on. Incoming. There's a little mortar coming in. Anyway. I don't flinch. I'm not a flincher.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't even seem scared like most of the guys around here.

[Adam Carolla]

She doing anyone stateside? Anyone special?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I'm married.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jarrett. What's he doing?

[Allison Rosen]

He's also in the military.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, military. Oh, really? What branches, motherfucker.

[Guest]

Wear my shaving kit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. We got an Asian guy yelling in the back. Sorry. What? What's he with? What you gonna see?

[Allison Rosen]

International Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

Air National Guard.

[Allison Rosen]

International Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

Air National Guard.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's International Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what he told me.

[Adam Carolla]

Jarrett.

[Allison Rosen]

It didn't make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hold on. We got an infiltrator here. Hold on. Hold on a second. The food's arrived. You tip the guy? What. What do you do?

[Caller]

Oh, I'm a lab technician.

[Adam Carolla]

What branch are you in?

[Caller]

Air Force. But it's for the Guard. It's for the State.

[Adam Carolla]

Please say the. Say the sentence that you told us.

[Caller]

Oh, I was in the Air National Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. Let's get back to this.

[Allison Rosen]

Did I say International Guard? That's not what I meant. I meant he is a lab. He does very, very important work in California in a lab for the. But he's in the Air Force.

[Adam Carolla]

Air Force.

[Allison Rosen]

Air Force. National Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

National Guard. I feel like I'm telling you a lot about your husband's business. He's in the Air National Guard. Huh. So he's basically in the rear with the gear.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it's really important, though, stateside.

[Adam Carolla]

Feet on a desk.

[Allison Rosen]

But if he's not there, those slides don't get read.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Uh huh. You understand there's two kinds of equipment. There's two kinds. I saw Pat Tillman die. You understand? I may have shot him.

[Allison Rosen]

He located an ebo.

[Adam Carolla]

Not so. Friendly fire. Yeah. Feet on a desk. Desk, jacket. Mickey, seat warmer. I'm dodging lead. He's pushing lead.

[Allison Rosen]

You do look kind of like him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, I got a futon in a plywood shack over there with a corrugated roof. And we might not see tomorrow, so.

[Allison Rosen]

I have been feeling lonely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do it. That's. Thank you, Ence. Jarrett.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That could be what's happening as we, you know, with the time difference.

[Guest]

Right. I mean, she's. Yeah, it's guilt free. She's doing it for her country in.

[Adam Carolla]

A way, because it's about morale.

[Guest]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And end of the day, camaraderie. And I think when a woman. I think when a woman joins, that's part. You know, it's acknowledged.

[David Damaschek]

You know, it's not in the agreement that you sign.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but it's understood. It's understood.

[Guest]

Right. And to put it on film allows them to share it with all branches in the middle. They call it camaraderie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Second anniversary.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What? First off, doesn't everyone just want snacks?

[Guest]

I think so, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just send baked goods over there.

[Guest]

Baby powder and snacks.

[Caller]

I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

She wanted, like, magazines and snacks and, like, care packages and stuff, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

But he probably does that year round, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When's she coming back?

[Caller]

She just got there, like, late October. So not till, like, April, so that's tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Holidays. No wife there, I would say. Now, I don't know if Edible Arrangeables delivers to Afghanistan.

[David Damaschek]

They have branches everywhere, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they? Because I feel like the Burbank one wouldn't bring it out there. Or if they would, they would charge you probably more than the actual basket itself. And then God knows what Kind of condition that cassava melon would be in on the long stick by the time it got there. That's shoved into the piece of Styrofoam.

[David Damaschek]

Good luck finding a discount code for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Jarrett. I would say. And also, I don't know if the Whatever of the month club. You know, I don't think you get magazine subscriptions. Can you get magazine?

[Guest]

That's not bad. That's not bad.

[Caller]

Yeah. When I was deployed, my dad got me like Sports Illustrated. So. Yeah, you can get it out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Pop. And thanks for this phone shaped like a football. It's going to do a lot of good while I'm deployed. I would get her. I would take her top four magazines. That doesn't sound good. I'd take her top four magazines and get a subscription to all of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy two year anniversary, honey. I love and miss you so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a bunch of magazines. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

And Bon Appetit and Martha Stewart Living and Real Simple.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Guest]

Oh, you know what?

[Allison Rosen]

How about jewelry or something?

[Guest]

Can you get that over there? No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what she needs that winks at the sniper.

[Guest]

Think about day in and day out. The fucking monotony and the despair. Here's what you get her.

[Allison Rosen]

An Amazon gift card.

[David Damaschek]

Life on Stage by Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Guest]

Exactly. And one ticket to Laugh Boston on December 5th. We fly her in. Should we get it? Why don't we do a care package and send it over there? I'll throw in a dvd.

[David Damaschek]

How about this for a real idea? Get your iPhone, type a bunch of your friends and family and her friends and family wishing her Merry Christmas or a happy Anniversary and make a little video out of it.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't believe Bob Bryant has the idea with the most heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Do that, Jarrett. So she's not going to be back to like. Do you guys have any children?

[Caller]

Yeah, we've got one son. Yeah, he's with her in laws right now.

[Adam Carolla]

You do have. You wear the uniform, right?

[Caller]

I do. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I want you to do next time there's a sporting event, convince somebody that that's your kid out on the field who's not seen you since you've been deployed for three years and you run out and just scare the shit out of them. And we get that on film. You know what I mean?

[Guest]

You mean like pretend it's going to be that reunion moment?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes. I've always wanted, you know, the greatest video I wanted. Remember there was that kid, I think it was from Nebraska or something. Like during the practice game when the defense was playing the offense and the little kid with the cancer, and he was seven years old and they gave him the football and they went, run, run. And everyone was running and they're pretending to tackle. I just want one super dedicated db, just right as he's crossing the goal line. Just fundamental. Leading with the crown of the helmet. Not in my house, bitch. Right? Just whatever you want in a good ballplayer that just instinct just snaps in and pow. Just laying there. That'd be the greatest video ever.

[Guest]

Go to a game and say, I'm his father.

[Adam Carolla]

Full uniform.

[Guest]

Get the cameras ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Full uniform. Yeah.

[Guest]

I've been away for three years.

[Adam Carolla]

During the halftime, I'm gonna surprise that kid out there.

[Guest]

Meanwhile, his real dad's sitting in the stands with his mom, right? That is brother hanging out, eating popcorn.

[Adam Carolla]

You just scare the shit out of him. And they do it all on film.

[David Damaschek]

And you're like, he doesn't recognize me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's been so long, he's traumatized. Those are evasive maneuvers of love.

[Guest]

Fucking genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. I'll tell you what else is genius. Go to meeting, baby. Oh, yeah, you know, Go to meeting. These guys are pros. We love these guys. You can share the screen together. This is what you need to go to meeting. Share the screen. Share the documents or the cocumans. You know what I mean? Married a couple of years. Spreadsheets. You look at projects in real time. Use the webcam, you can go to meeting. Use your HD faces, your video conferencing. You can start or attend a GoToMeeting meeting off your Mac or your PC, your smartphone, your tablet. Start hosting meetings in seconds. Use your computer, mobile device, and you sign up for a 30 day free trial. No credit card required.

[Guest]

Wait, but Adam, I can't make it to the meeting, though.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't? Well, you got a mobile device.

[Guest]

Yeah, but I can't make it to the meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

You use your phone, use your tablet, wherever you are, Go to meeting.

[Guest]

Ride it like a car to the meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you look at it. You don't have to be at the meeting. It's go to meeting. It's called go to meeting. You don't have to be there. You can be wherever it should be called.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't go to meeting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Guest]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code ADAM. That's GoToMeeting.com promo code ADAM. Meeting is believing all Right. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I just say this though? In my defense, International Guard did not make sense to me either. But I was sure that's what he said.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so. I know I'm fine. Time.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I know, but I just, I. I'm stuck on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You want to do news? Yeah, let's do it. The news with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Weedly Wheedle.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it C. It's Allison Weedly Wheedle. Wheedle.

[Allison Rosen]

Wheedlees.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, real fast because have been on hold for a million years. Eric 24, Kentucky, you host a military podcast.

[Caller]

I sure do. Long time, first time.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Caller]

Do host the military podcast. I don't know if it's all right for me to drop the name or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, go ahead.

[Caller]

All right. We're sponsored through a Facebook page called US army what the Fuck Moments. We have 340,000 Facebook friends now.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you need me for? So you want to know how to build an audience?

[Caller]

Yes, that's why I need you. We have all these likes. We get maybe 1% of the amount of listeners.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say, look, go the Kirk Cameron route or the Tyler Perry route or the, you know, there are many comedians. Russell Peters route or whatever, which is just rally the troops. In your case, literally it's the troops. As we always know. Greg and I know Russell Peters, friend of ours, stand up comedian. You guys wouldn't recognize Russell Peters. He sells out soccer stadiums, doing standup.

[Guest]

50,000 seat theaters around the world.

[Adam Carolla]

He's Indian. And they all. There's not a big selection of guys you can choose from. And people like to see their own telling their own jokes and doing their own culture.

[Allison Rosen]

Eric B. Indian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Go after the military guys. There's a nice built in crowd there. See if you can get them to share. And you know there is that group that's already built in. Like I said, you know that Kirk Cameron goes after the born again guys. They bring it to the church. People outside of that group have no idea what he's doing. Meanwhile, he's making millions of dollars just going from church to church. Right. So that military is your church is your base and that's, I mean, you're.

[Guest]

In the military base. Yeah, I don't know when, I don't know how more specific. You could be perfectly suited to a group of people, it sounds like. Are you talking about the military in the podcast?

[Caller]

Yes, that's a. That's a hundred percent of the usual. Not 100%. It's 90% of the top puppets at handers, which is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the lion's share. Mm. Okay. Well, then go after those people.

[Caller]

Well, we also like throwing on veterans who've made success stories from being in the military as well. But you would think being promoted with this huge audience would get more listeners. But a lot of people seem to be not so interested. I don't get it. Because we have military networks like afn.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, but Eric, maybe you're not that interested.

[Caller]

Oh, man, that may be true as well.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you know, people have this thing where it's like, got cut from the football team. Let's see. List of scenarios. Coach is an asshole. Did I say coach was an asshole?

[David Damaschek]

You did.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what else we got here? So we tried out four day tryout, right? Did the combines, the timing, the 40.

[Guest]

The timer was fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Coach has it out for me and. Or is an ass. Or is that sort of the same as coaches and asshole?

[David Damaschek]

It's one and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Coach hates winning.

[David Damaschek]

Oh, interesting. It's one of those coaches.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I've offered up some pretty feasible, plausible notions as to why I didn't make the team. Could be you suck. That could be. That could have something to do with it.

[Guest]

Yeah. It's a lot like the guys who fucking hate women because they won't have sex with them because they're bitches. Well, that's one possibility, yes. Could be you're unfuckable.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably.

[Guest]

So what we're saying about this gentleman could be unfuckable is he's unfuckable.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we have decided that there's some sort of. I say to everybody all the time, like a condescending prick. Eric.

[Caller]

Yes?

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know how I became number one? I have magic stones that I rub.

[Caller]

Well, it's not like we don't have enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Stand down.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I say something about your point, Greg, about women who are bitches? Not understanding why a guy wouldn't want to have sex with them and then deciding, oh, he must hate women or he's gay. I think it's that women are so conditioned to think that guys will fuck anything. So then it's like, well, they're, they're. It can't just be that I'm a bitch. It can't just be. It can't be me, because guys are so non discriminating. When it comes to available. You know, I was making it available for him, and he didn't want to have sex. So what could it possibly be? I think a lot of women don't. I think. Would you agree that men actually are more discriminating than women are led to think?

[Caller]

Think.

[Guest]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Guest]

No, I think that we. I was always a numbers guy, too.

[Adam Carolla]

How was that groundlings class tonight? Did you just come straight from Cynthia Sagetti's class or take a little break?

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever not wanted to fight.

[Adam Carolla]

A. Greg was saying. He's talking about guys, I think, who didn't. Who weren't.

[Guest]

No, I'm saying guys who think all women are bitches, really, they're usually assholes that nobody wants to fucking. That's why they think the women are bitches. So there was a misunderstanding. I was wondering where you're going with that.

[David Damaschek]

Are you in the international guard?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you're gonna make Allison throw up. Now. Let's go. Let's do some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait real quick, because I feel bad. All right, let's see. How long would Adam recommend dating before you're comfortable enough to fart in front of her? I. Listen, I don't think you ever want to fart in front of her. That if you can break the first seal, if you can avoid it, and vice versa. Adrian.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest]

So you've never farted in front of.

[Adam Carolla]

I will. I have. And now it's sort of the point where I've lost a little. Little of my discipline down there. You know what I mean?

[Guest]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You mean, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'll be a little. I'll get up off the sofa and it'll be a little extra pop, you know, as I'm climbing off the sofa, actually, I do think. I never really thought about it, but now I'm sort of realizing, you know, if you ever meet some, I don't know why, but they'll be like women from different lands who have really fucked up teeth. And when they laugh, they put their hand over their mouth.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They go, hee, hee, hee, hee.

[Adam Carolla]

They put their hand over, and every time they start to laugh, their hand slides up and you realize, oh, yeah, they're putting their hand over their mouth to. Kind of reflexively, but it's a learned sort of passed down thing. But we don't want to see your fucked up teeth.

[Allison Rosen]

Teenage girls with braces do it.

[Adam Carolla]

They do he right hand. Hand over the mouth. Chicks who look fantastic in the dental hygiene department don't put the hand over the mouth. When guys get to about 45 or 50. When they get off a sofa, they go, huh? And I think they do that to cover their farts. Just. Why not? I think you're right. Why would you need to go, huh? To get off the fucking soma. You just spent 25 minutes on the treadmill earlier that day. Like you're 47 years old. You're not a fucking invalid. You're getting off a sofa onto a carpeted floor. You're not entering a vessel via rope or something from a helicopter. So the. It just means I could be farting. Here we go. I don't know if I'm gonna fart, but I shall cover my fart in case we.

[Allison Rosen]

Similar sound upon sitting down, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Which is when one can sneak out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. To accompany a lot of potential fart times with a grunt or a noise that then shall mask it. Thank you. Powerful stuff.

[Guest]

If I'm in the car, if I'm hitting the horn for no reason, roll the window down.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the guy doing? You know, he's gonna do something eventually. I'm just gonna give him a little. That's right, what we call a parting gift. He can take this with him for the next time he fucks up. And by the way, this will be for the guy who doesn't honk when he doesn't turn right on that red.

[Guest]

Right. By the way, this block smells funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I smell like deviled eggs on this block. All right, now the news. Yes. With Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

So MSNBC canceled Alec Baldwin's show. They suspended him for two weeks after the most recent news about him getting into it with a paparazzi. We talked about that. Where he supposedly called the guy a cock sucking faggot, but then he said, no, I called him a cock sucking fathead.

[Caller]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Which I feel like, okay. But anyway, so they suspended him for two weeks and then they announced that they are, you know, they're canceling his show. He posted a statement on MSNBC's website saying, I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have, and for that I am deeply sorry. Words are important. I understand that and will choose mine with great care going forward. MSNBC said this is a mutual parting and we wish Alec all the best.

[Adam Carolla]

So, first off, I'm gonna go with not Gangbusters in the ratings department.

[Guest]

Horrible ratings.

[Adam Carolla]

Fitz dog, you and I have done enough of this shit to know the first two weeks, basically let you know where the rest is going to be. They'll give you the first week Just the people coming in, sort of lookie, lose, curious, want to see what's going on, kick Alec Baldwin, you know, kicking some tires. But you get to the two week mark. As a matter of fact, I think almost every network, if you cut them a deal and said, would you like your talent, your host, whatever, almost whatever the format is, right at the two week mark to go on some racially insensitive or homophobic slur, rant out in the streets of Manhattan and someone will capture it on film, throw it up on tmz, they'd go, oh, that'd be the greatest fucking windfall ever.

[Guest]

That saves a lot of effort.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of fucking money and effort because they have to. Then it becomes this thing of we gotta fire the producer, we gotta get more writers. There's a format change. We're gonna try and they now. And it's also a world where if you don't produce in the first 10 minutes, you're out the door. If your sitcom doesn't get any ratings in the first two weeks, it's not a Seinfeld era where it's like, well, maybe in season two we'll get a little rating.

[Guest]

I worked on a sitcom where we actually produced five episodes, wrote 12, I mean, six months of work. High paid writers, they focus, grouped a couple of the episodes and flushed $6 million down the toilet without ever airing it. Because that's a better play for them than having programming in a time slot that's not getting numbers right.

[Adam Carolla]

Meanwhile, if Duck Dynasty goes on some sort of gay or ethnically based rant or homophobic rant, they'll do a guys prepare statement, you go ahead and say it, blah, blah, we're moving on. You ain't going anywhere. Like, if you're moving the need. If you are getting traction and getting ratings, you're not going anywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think this is entirely about the ratings?

[Adam Carolla]

Then I know that Terrell Owens can say whatever Terrell Owens wants to say and can be as big a pompous ass and dick as he wants as long as he's going up and catching touchdowns. And the second he loses a step and doesn't bring the ball down. Randy Moss, Randy Moss, the list goes on and on. It's sports are the ultimate with this. That guy can be, be poison to a team. If he's bringing down the ball, he's on a team, he may get, he may go to another team. He's around. If he's not bringing the ball down magically, he's gone and I'm guessing Baldwin had shitty ratings and I don't know that it's all about that. It's probably a convenient way of going. This guy was a little bit hard to work with. We thought we'd get this big name. We thought we'd get some traction.

[Guest]

Let's not forget they segue from the area diary, what's her name, Rachel Maddow, into MSNBC lockup where they talk about, this is my bitch and he eats my corn for a pack of cigarettes. You know, they don't give a fuck. It's the ratings.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. And I'll put it to you this way. I don't know that anyone takes a principled stand on anything. They get pressure. What they do with the pressure, what will be based on how much money they're making from the product. So if they're getting a whole bunch of. If they have a product that's not selling and it gets recalled and there's a lawsuit or something, it's like, pack up the factory. If they're doing something that's selling gangbusters and 10 kids died, they'll pay out those lawsuits and keep those conveyor belts.

[Guest]

It took him a long time to take Charlie Sheen off Two and a Half Men. He was, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest]

And ultimately it came down to him, him badmouthing the head of the network so severely that it became personal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they would have easily. Look, I don't think anyone in the gay community or beyond, and that's where I like to live, beyond. If they said, look, Baldwin's gonna get a one week suspension for this off air tirade and then send him back to work, I don't think anyone would have went, no, that's outrageous. We must end his career as a talk show host. I don't think anyone, for the most part, needs people removed in perpetuity. A nice two week suspension would have sufficed.

[Guest]

Also, the context is it's Alec Baldwin, the bar is set low. This guy is calling his daughter a.

[Adam Carolla]

Fat pig piggy girl.

[Guest]

You know, I mean, he said fag in the past. He's got a whole thing about gay people.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Guest]

It's not like, like if I were to say, you fucking fag, I might not mean it in a homophobic way if it happened once in my lifetime. He consistently says homophobic stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. But see, I don't think he has a thing about gay people as much as he has a switch that you used to have that maybe some of your therapy is.

[Guest]

What are you saying? I'm sublimating a lot of homophobia and hate.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you said that. No, what I'm saying is what do you. I've said it before, and Dan Savage so much said exactly what I said on Mars show, which is he comes from a place where if somebody cuts you off, you'd yell fag out the window at him. If somebody did any. If somebody from the rival school or your own brother, whatever it is, fag just came flying out of your mouth. We then get older, we mellow, we learn. You understand? I think when that photographer gets in his face, he's 17, he's back in whatever, Long island or wherever he's. Massapequa or wherever he's from, and he just becomes that person. That's not a defense. That's his wiring.

[Guest]

Yeah, people spit at the paparazzi. That's a childish. You know, they bring out the worst in you. You regress.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. But all the time I was a kid and yelling fag at my friend Ray, I wasn't thinking about homosexuality. It was just what came flying out of your mouth when you were 50.

[Guest]

But especially with cock sucking. Doesn't that double down on the possibility that he meant it as.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, he meant it that way. I'm saying he comes from a place where. That's what they did. And just like getting Grandpa to stop saying the Negro lady, they can't stop saying it. That's their problem. Now they should. And we all know that. The smart people move on. But he's set in his ways.

[Guest]

And I love when Grandma says that shit. Mine used to call Fox. I can't watch that. Back when Fox had all black sitcoms. I can't watch that Fox. It's all colored people.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Guest]

And you'd laugh your ass off. And you did not correct her. Cause it was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest]

And she's not gonna be with us that much longer. What does she need a growth spurt in her socialization? No. Be funny and die.

[Adam Carolla]

But if she had a talk show on msn, she might get shit canned. Yeah. All right. So what you saw there is a great opportunity for them to look like sort of moral heroes. Meanwhile, there couldn't have been any ratings going on with that show. And if there was, he'd definitely be there. And they would be scurrying to figure out a way to get him back on the air.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, having never seen his show, I'm surprised it didn't do well. Just because I think that he is usually so good at everything he Does.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. There's two things that I've figured out. First off, the pie is cut so thin these days, it's just hard. Secondly, you take the biggest. And Chevy Chase is going to do a late night show and Magic Johnson's going to do a late night show. And there's all these, these beloved, oh, this guy's a funny. I'm a huge fan or I grew up watching, or nobody's better than this guy. And it's a very specific skill set. It just is. And the first thing is, I think when you're a great actor and you're able to just slide from Charles Nelson Riley to Robert De Niro and it's effortless, you're not great at being you like most these guys. Like Letterman's fucking horrible actor. I'm sure Letterman is just a horrible actor. Jimmy's not a great actor. Jimmy's great at being Jimmy. These guys, they're sort of like celebrity chefs. They have to be themselves, really. You have to, really. And being a great actor, horrible vision.

[Allison Rosen]

Of Guy Fieri hosting a late night show.

[Adam Carolla]

If, if you, if you took John Malkovich, would he be a great late night show host? Like, like pick your greatest actors and then realize just how bad they would be.

[David Damaschek]

Hoffman would not be a great late nights.

[Adam Carolla]

And how would.

[Allison Rosen]

Woody Harrelson?

[Adam Carolla]

Woody Harrelson, guy played Lincoln, you know, Daniel Day Lewis. I mean, think about all these guys doing that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Chameleons wouldn't be good.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not a good chameleon.

[Guest]

The only thing you have as a late night host is an award show. And even that doesn't usually work out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest]

It's the only extension of what you do that could be useful. Carson was, I never saw it, but apparently he hosted the Oscars a lot and was very good. And, you know, I would imagine Letterman is good if you were allowed. If they let him do it more than once.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. But Letterman is not a good actor. Leno is not a good act. These guys, the first quality they have is a sort of a comfort food quality. Like, you go, I just like that guy. I like him being him. And he looks comfortable in his own skin and he's very relaxed out there. And I just like him. You know what I mean? You don't go, that guy's a fucking ball of talent. I can't keep my eyes off him.

[Allison Rosen]

You go, it's not riveting. They are comforting.

[Adam Carolla]

They're macaroni and cheese. Yeah. Let's try to think.

[Guest]

I Can't think of one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll show you the Man Ponds. I'll show you the Man Ponds commercial. I saw a Taxi. I'll show you Taxicab or whatever that Queen Latifah was.

[David Damaschek]

It was just Taxi.

[Adam Carolla]

If you see the Man Pond commercial, you'll realize that Jimmy Kimmel did have some chops. I'll show you from The Man Show. DraftKings.com Baby. Oh, man. This season, DraftKings.com is going to make a fantasy football millionaire. That's right. Millionaire. They got the Millionaire grand final. Someone's going to win a million bucks. I got a tip for you. Denver KC this weekend, all the top finishers in DraftKings 200 grand event all had at least one Bronco on their team. I'm not superstitious. I'm realistic. Combined, 70,000 bucks. New fun way to play fantasy. How you doing, by the way, Brian?

[David Damaschek]

With that, the millionaire they're gonna crown could be standing right next to you. I actually won my contest last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Damaschek]

So I won a satellite contest. I entered for like two dollars. And the victor of the contest was of 62 people. Gets a hundred and nine dollar entry into their like, semifinal. And I won. So I'm gonna get him playing the semifinal this weekend. And maybe I'll be in the Millionaire grand final next weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

We wish you luck.

[David Damaschek]

Thanks, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

New fun way to play Fantasy Football. Dawson. DraftKings Adam Carolla show listeners get free entry into the Millionaire grand final. Enter adam@draft draftkings.com for your free shot to be crowned a fantasy football millionaire. But you gotta enter adam [e-mail] for details on your free entry, visit DraftKings.com that's DraftKings.com all right, well, share the Man Ponds commercial. You can check out Jimmy's acting chops if you like.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just got rejected. Going to the hood. You are sweating your ass off. I know. It's hot. No, I mean you. You're really sweating from the ass. I'm so ashamed.

[David Damaschek]

Back in the locker room.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't worry, pal. You just need a little help back there. This is my secret. Nan Pongs? Sure, try them. It's like a cool spring breeze blowing through your ass cheeks. At this point, I'll try. Try anything. Posterior perspiration is an embarrassing problem that can leave you feeling less than fresh. Man ponds squeeze discreetly between your cheeks like a hot dog in a bun. Super absorbent man ponds whip away moisture to get your crack back on track so you can be where the action is. Now, here's where the real acting comes in. Nice job. Hey, Jimmy, you look great.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you get a haircut or something?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a haircut. Thanks, buddy. Don't thank me. Thank Man Pines Mans available where refined male hygiene products are sold. Just have some, you know.

[Guest]

Is that the Emmy submission for the man that year?

[Adam Carolla]

Peabody.

[Guest]

The Peabody, yeah. Humanity pass.

[David Damaschek]

Your teammates must have hated you for not playing any defense. As soon as you got shot and.

[Adam Carolla]

Scored, we just walked the locker room. Every time Jimmy scored, we walked back the locker room slowly. All right, let's do one more story, shall we?

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so a Michigan strip club owner bought the house next door to his ex wife and put up a giant statue in the backyard that you can see from her house. There it is. It's a giant bronze middle finger.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

He spent $7,000 erecting this house.

[Adam Carolla]

It's reasonable for bronze.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like if that's all it would take to be able to do this.

[David Damaschek]

Well, he paid all in ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Then more people would, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, there's a part of me that likes these guys. You know the guy who goes, we're getting in a helicopter and we're flying over my ex wife's house and we're gonna fucking in the helicopter. And the pilot's like, listen, buddy, you're not paying me. No. They have these things that, like, you would. You think, like, you toy with doing, but you would just never, like. At a certain point, when you're looking at artists, clay renditions of the middle finger and getting estimates, like, you just go, oh, fuck it. I'm just gonna buy Alexis and have my revenge that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, by the way, he says this is not aimed at her her. It's aimed at her new partner with whom she started an affair while they were still together. And he said, as indicated by the statue, I'm so over her. This is about him. This is about him not being a man.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Guest]

I had a friend who was a comedian back in Boston, and this girl broke up with him and she started dating a black guy, which is always like, in the story of breakups, it always gets worse when. And she went out with a black guy.

[Caller]

Guy.

[Guest]

She had a basement apartment, and he would go by her house kind of stalkery, and he'd look. He could look in the window into her bedroom, and he would watch the new boyfriend banging his ex girlfriend, and he would masturbate. And that, to him felt like revenge. It felt like revenge to him. And he would go often off it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest]

It was like a thing.

[David Damaschek]

Very confused neighbors.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, if that was a sitcom, there'd be, like, the hobo taking a sip out of the wine, and then he'd look at the guy and he'd just show him dumping it down the gutter, shaking his head. That used to be the other joke. That was in sitcoms all the time. You know, there's a part of me that wants to act outraged, but then there's a part of me that goes. You know, it's like, someone will go, like. Like, I want shit in the shower. And there's a part of me that goes, sound outrage. Sound outrage. Sound outrage. But there's more. Part of me wants to go, well.

[Guest]

Because part of you wants to see her get fucked harder than you were doing it. It's like a relief you still get to come, but you don't have to do all that work.

[Adam Carolla]

Here is the. I would turn the question around this way, which is, if you were just walking down the street and somebody said, hey, there's a porthole in the ground, and you can watch your ex getting banged by a black guy, would you slow down and take a look? I think the answer would have to be yes.

[Guest]

So it's a slippery slope, especially outside her window.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially during the winter months, right?

[Guest]

Yes, because eventually there would be a buildup outside the window. There would be a spot like, you know, my dog, I walk him in front of my neighbor's house every night, and he pees on the same bush, and all the grass under that bush is dead from the dog urine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My buddy John had a room that was way off the bathroom, and he had a little back door during the winter, summer, whatever, just popped the door open and just sort of hang his dick out. Just watch that black guy bang his girlfriend and chisel. And there was a hedge that was literally spooned out from his urine. It was like his urine carved a notch in it. Yeah. So, yeah, I could see that with the semen, he had his spot, and.

[Guest]

Maybe after a while, he even aimed at the same spot, you know, and, you know, I think that there's something to rituals that is comforting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And builds character, but being caught is ultimately the charge. You know, like you.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Guest]

He wanted on some level to be seen and then run pants down across the lawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest]

That's how it ends.

[Adam Carolla]

And then also had to be very confusing for the nice cockroach family that lived there in the neighborhood where the wife would come home covered with semen and the father was like, throw the newspaper Down. Okay, this is the third night in a row. Now don't give me that cock and bull story about a jilted lover. Comedian friends at Fitz Dog is beating off. I want to know what's going on. I want some answers.

[Guest]

Why do you always seem to be right under them?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip aid Kunst.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, Encore, baby. Today's show sponsored by Encore Insurance Services llc. For a free life insurance quote, give them a call. 866-347-5748. Or you can visit their website at smartterm.com thinking about getting a little life insurance or. Or maybe you have coverage and you need a little more. One of our guys over here, 36, non smoking male. I guess when I say guy, I could probably leave off male. Got a 20 year policy, $500,000 for less than 30 bucks a month. Why don't you give Encore a call, see what they can do for you. 866-347-5748. You need the life insurance. You never know what's going to happen, man. Let's not leave it up to the judges. Let's take care of ourselves and our family. Life insurance licensing and disclaimer information can be found on their [e-mail] that's smartterm.com. all right, US Hooters, Santa Monica, Sunday, 4:30. Chrystalia is going to be our guest. Love that guy. And free. What else do you need to know? Also Sacramento. Yeah. All right. Sacramento, Fresno. Coming up on December 7th and December 8th. That's Tower Theater in the Crest theater. All good theaters have played and we're doing a live podcast there. So come on out and say Hi. And the 4:30 is 4:30. Ish. We'll see when that late game ends, but figure about 4:30 anyway. Sacramento, Bevmo and Fresno Bevmo. I will be at keeping my streak alive. I mean at least 200 miles away from my home when I go to abevmo. Even though there's 35 in the vicinity. Saturday, December 7th, 5:30 and then on the 8th, 5:30 as well. See me in the stone Pelican, Mike August taking pictures, signing.

[David Damaschek]

Way to sell it.

[Adam Carolla]

They do. People come up though. Zeus, Augustus. Oh, they love it. I want to thank David Wilde for coming in here. The Grammy nomination concert hosted by who? Llcool J. Wow. It's nice. That guy step out of his comfort zone and host a music related show. So until next time. And Fitz Dog again, Life on stage, available on Amazon. You know what to do. And Fitz Dog Radio, available on itunes Tuesday and Friday. So till next time, this is Adam Carolla for David Wilde, Greg Kitziman, Alison Rosenvald Bryan saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

Will I ever get to write my name with urine?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, that's Adam Kolishow, 12:16. Come next, we have Adam Carlos Show 12:20.

[Adam Carolla]

Dave Damaschek, Steve Hofstadter, Allison Rosen. Brian bishop, also from 2013. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla and Baldbrain.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Shut up and f my a hole.

[David Damaschek]

A couple people on Twitter requested that Captain Carl and Admiral Anthony. I wonder if they know each other.

[Adam Carolla]

The great.

[David Damaschek]

They're both in the service.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Her Majesty's Dave Damaschek back the show. Everyone excited.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Ace Carolla and company. It's been far too long, and I couldn't be, you know, tickled pinker than I am right now.

[Adam Carolla]

The Sheck Report. You can see the web show available, I should say, at the NFL website, the official NFL website. New video every Tuesday evening podcast. I don't know what's going in my mouth today, Dave Damoshek football program available on itunes as well. You guys, real quick, what is that.

[David Damaschek]

Pile of shit you have right in front of you? Is that helping with the mouth being dry or whatever?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, probably. It's the chutney that was given to me as cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving this year. And, you know, my wife has to live with me full time. You could only imagine. And there's a lot of real specific like to the place. I said that we're moving, and not only are we moving, but we timed it so that we literally got into our new house three or four days before Thanksgiving. And no worse time than to cook for 25 people, than to have everything in a box and a screaming, if I could find the fucking electric knife, I'd use it on your ass. Lot of that going on. What kind of maniac doesn't pack an electric knife? Why is it at the other house? There's a lot of that discussion.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's saying that one?

[Adam Carolla]

That was Molly. Well, I said, no, but there's a lot of, where's this? Where's that? You couldn't imagine a worse time to cook for 25 people. So my wife said, look, there's this catering company that the neighbors say is great and we should just use the cater company. And I said, by all means, use the catering company. We don't have time for all this cooking we're unpacking all day. So she did the. Hey, cranberry sauce. It's just cranberry, right? It's cranberry sauce. Yeah, yeah. It's just, you know, cranberry sauce. Because she knows she's living with me, we get the cranberry chutney. I know I'm a broken record, but here's the thing. Aren't you under just some type of human obligation to tell people when they're not going to receive what they are requesting?

[Allison Rosen]

What happened to the vows you took as a caterer?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I just mean, like, we all know what a club sandwich is. I bring it up all the time. If you make your club sandwich and it's just two pieces of pimento loaf that's wrapped in. Catch it, you need to tell me that is your club sandwich. You can't just spring your club sandwich on me because I'm ordering what I think is a club sandwich because I'm a fucking human being and I live on this planet. But it's no different than me going, how would you like your eggs? Oh, I like my eggs scrambled. Here's two eggs. Oh, those are sunny side up. Yeah, that's how we do it.

[Allison Rosen]

What if a blowjob was butt sex?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What a surprise.

[Adam Carolla]

Hopefully it evolves into that, but yes. Well, no. Let's just take eggs. I used to go to breakfast with an asshole who would get his eggs. He would order them basted, I believe, which I still way to get eggs. 127 breakfasts with my buddy Carl. We all don't know what that means. This is Denny.

[Steve Hofstadter]

We don't know what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right. I don't know what it means. Expect a snot rocket on top of. Whatever. Our interpretation of Baste is all bastes. No, but take. Let's just take eggs. You go, I want eggs. They go, would you like them scrambled? We like them over easy. We'd like them sunny side up. Would you like them poached? I mean, there's six ways you can get your eggs. They're all different. They all have names. And the reason they have names is because that's how you like your fucking eggs. The minute you start doing the scrambled and the sunny side up and matching, then we're fucked as a society. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's not what language is for.

[Adam Carolla]

I just gotta tell you, though, the opposite of language.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Allison Bald, the below the liners on the other side of the glass whose names I am not familiar with. You guys are here every day and so you can't see the forest for the trees. But Adam Carolla, you sound like a completely different human being. I've been away for two months. What happened to the old Adam Carolla?

[David Damaschek]

Sometimes it takes a fresh set of eyes, or in this case, ears, to come in the studio and let us know.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I find it refreshing. It's terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

As I mentioned, I did not trust said catering company to give just cranberry sauce. I knew they would fuck it up by blowing some of their fluff into it. Because everyone has to be highfalutin now, and they have to go, oh, this is, you know, cranberry not good enough again. We're not inundated with cranberry sauce. I don't see cranberry sauce all fucking year. But anyway, I went, got cranberries and made my own sauce. And thus we never touched. Touch the stuff that was labeled cranberry chutney. Good for you. I brought little forks, and you guys can all give it a little.

[Guest]

I have no little knives.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know yours. This is yours. No, no, this is theirs. I just want you to taste what passed is cranberry sauce. It's not bad. It's just not cranberry sauce. That's my whole point. Same with the sandwiches. It's not often bad. It's just not cranberry sauce.

[David Damaschek]

I'll use a knife. You can use the fork if you want.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Just give it a little more importantly, did you deep fry? Did you brine? Or did you just go the traditional Or I guess they brought that bird over for you.

[Adam Carolla]

They brought the bird over. Lynette made a beautiful roast and said crock pot. I can't figure out what's in it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's spicy. It's surprisingly. It's got like a. There's way too many. There's a lot of spices happening.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

It is vaguely Indian.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not cranberry sauce.

[Allison Rosen]

There might have been a cranberry in there. I'm not even sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Just give you a heads up then when you're ordering cranberry sauce to go. I hope you're not expecting cranberry sauce, because you shall not get cranberry sauce. This is gonna taste like something that came out of an Indian joint.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, ye old something.

[David Damaschek]

No, it's good, but it's not cranberry sauce.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[David Damaschek]

It's good, but if you're expecting cranberry sauce, you will be sorely disappointed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I like on the menus or when the waiter or waitress announces, this is our special spin on the old class.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's when the fucking goat cheese comes in. All right, Sheck's got to do sports, but first I have to bitch a little more, please. So, you know, Spike TV comes to me, I don't know, eight months ago and says, hey, want to do a show? Contractor show. Catch the contractor. And, you know, you bus these guys and you do your comedy and all that kind of stuff. I just do everything. I just take meetings. What the hell? So I do. And then as I drive home, I secretly hope everything goes away. That's my greatest wish, is that everything would just go away. It's a vestige of my. It started in grade school where I'd wake up every Monday morning praying for an earthquake or some sort of smog alert or something. It's a regional thing, but it's like I'd just wake up going, God, it'd be nice if there's a sinkhole that the snow fell into. Yeah, a snow day out here was earthquake or, you know, smog alerts or something, but just something. Some maniac had shot up the school before I got there. Just something where I didn't have to go do what I was supposed to do. So we shot the pilot, and the pilot got picked up, and they said, all right, we want to travel this show. We want you in New Orleans. We want you in Indiana. We want you in Seattle. And I said, well, now we got a problem. Problem. Because I can't travel because I have a busy schedule, and I do a daily podcast, multiple podcasts. So there's just no way I can go to New Orleans for four days and shoot an episode. So thanks. You're gonna have to find another guy. And then I did what I do again. I just drove home and secretly prayed everything went away. But whenever I pray things go away, they always seem to come back.

[David Damaschek]

Is that the secret to success?

[Adam Carolla]

The stuff I want to do is the stuff that never happens. So they said, fine, we'll keep it in town. We'll go local. We'll go local. And then I said, okay, as long as we're staying local, fine. And then I met with the producers, and I said, now listen, my place is over in Glendale. I'm in Hollywood and Glendale lot, Burbank area. That kind of right in there between Pasadena and Glendale and Burbank and south stuff. The closer you get to those areas, the more time you have with me. Because I'm doing a daily podcast. I'm going to have to bug out at some point, and if I'm Too far away. I'm just going to have to bug out that much earlier. They said, we hear you ace man. First place we're looking at is in Glendale. Second place we're looking at is in Hollywood. I said well that's perfect. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Alright, let me read you the list of places of homes that we've done thus far. If those of you around the country want to have some fun, you can, I don't know, pop up a Google image, whatever. Not Google, Google Map, Earth, whatever.

[David Damaschek]

I think we should put one up with like little plots around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we could figure something out if it's just Glendale.

[David Damaschek]

Glendale, Hollywood, Hollywood over and over again. Skip to the end.

[Adam Carolla]

We live in the San Fernando Valley. Basically. San Fernando Valley probably has 51 separate cities with a whole bunch of different climates in it. There's a little Armenian sections and Mexican sections and white written. There's the Jewish up in Hebrew Heights and all that kind of stuff. Here's what we got. We got Santa Ana, that's 50 miles from here. I've lived here my whole fucking life. I don't know where Santa Ana is. I couldn't find any of these places. We started with Santa Ana, 50 miles. Then we went to Santa Ana again, that was 45 miles. Different house, a little bit closer. Then we went to Dana Point. Now keep in mind, closer to San.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Diego than Los Angeles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, 78 miles from here. This is call time 8:30. I don't even know what time you leave Los Angeles to get to Santa ana at 8:30. I don't know. I've done the proclamation where I've said I will leave an hour before I'm supposed to be there. And then whatever time I show up is when I show up. It's up to you. This is on you maniacs for scheduling this shit out of town. Everyone else, here's how fucking far these places are. Everyone else is on the production, staying in a hotel. In a hotel.

[Allison Rosen]

So they're still traveling the show.

[Adam Carolla]

They are traveling the fucking show. Santa Ana, Dana Point, back to Santa Ana again. I've never been a fuckin 53 miles this time. Now we're really mixing it up tustin. 60 miles. It's at this point where I'm starting to get surly. We did one in Laurel canyon, that was 12 miles away.

[David Damaschek]

That's around the corner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And again, this is Los Angeles. Everything is a long slog.

[David Damaschek]

We should point out that people out of town are listening and thinking, oh, 53 miles, that's an hour drive. I mean, if you stop for gas, maybe an hour and 10 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

It's impossible to get anywhere if there's.

[David Damaschek]

Any kind of traffic. This is a two hour minimum soul crushing drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Took me three hours, hours to get back from Dana Point. Yeah, that's the five. Which is the worst piece of shit freeway in the world is the one that takes you straight to Tustin and Santa Ana and all that kind of stuff. You get on it at 7:30 in the morning. You just crawl, you just sit there in traffic. So I said to these guys, for the love of fuck, could you find something in fucking Encino or Glendale or Burbank or something? Find a fucking house in the Valley somewhere, someplace next to houses. Inglewood, it's just a little past the airport.

[David Damaschek]

City of Champions.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking. Now that's only 28 miles, but that's into the belly of the beast. And see you there at 8:30 in the morning.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I don't want to be a broken record, but Adam Carolla, again, you have changed, sir. Wait a second. Yeah, listen. Everybody out there feels your pain. You're the star of a TV show and you get to go be on camera. Yeah. Damn the man, damn the world.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, listeners might not know what Englewood is like.

[Adam Carolla]

Englewood, where the Lakers used to play.

[David Damaschek]

It's up to no good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's up to no good. It is a scary place with scary places around it. And then there's a track that has horses on it somewhere around there. And there's an airport. But there's. The Forum. Used to be the Fabulous Forum.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Do they do anything? Why don't they knock that down already? I went to the fight scene.

[Adam Carolla]

The Fabulous Forum.

[David Damaschek]

Would it be inaccurate to say it's our version, on a much smaller scale of Flint, Michigan? Like it used to be the home of the Lakers. Showtime, Lakers, that was. It's the City of Champions. It still says it on the street signs, right?

[Steve Hofstadter]

And now it's, you know, visitors will know it because Inglewood is where that giant Randy's donut that you see in movies, that's Inglewood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, there's a couple of those around. But yes, either way it's better than Santa Ana. It's still fucking far at eight in the goddamn morning anyway.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Why can't they? So tell me the premise. You're visiting poor contract, poor work on a house and you're in there to crack skulls kind of thing. And that's the bit. How many? Why? Really? That is a legitimate question. This isn't a particular industry or anything. This is a house. You have houses. I would imagine they could scour the valley and come up with those.

[Adam Carolla]

One would think. One wouldn't think you'd have have three houses in a row in Santa Ana. And by the way, if I knew that, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have, because this is a. Technically, you are traveling the show.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, your old pal Jimmy Kimmel's pretty plugged in in show business. I would not put it past him to be in contact with those Spike producers. This is a grand bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he did think of Spike before Spike was invented. We used to sit in the man show office all the time. And he'd just go, there's just be a network for dudes. And everyone would just go, right, right, right. It's weird. Before things exist, it's a weird human way to be, which is this. Nothing was here before us and before we invented things. Everything from a cell phone to spacecraft to bottled water, it just never existed. And then we invented it. But it is weird that as a human, when somebody says to another human, hey, you know what we ought to do? There ought to be this. They go, nah, there's a reason there. That's never gonna happen. It's like, really? Look around. There's a lot of stuff that's happened over the years. Why wouldn't this be one more thing that happened? It was just weird. It was like when Jimmy and I were doing the man show when we were pitching. It's like, it's just me and Jimmy, right? And then, where's the girl? And we're like, no, it's just me and J. Jimmy, I don't think you can do that. Nada. You're a girl. Why isn't things that haven't happened, like inventions that haven't become reality yet embraced, like, hey, there you go.

[Steve Hofstadter]

That's something easier to be cynical than it is to try something. That's what it comes down to, really. Cynicism. People conflate that with being smart somehow to be skeptical of everything. And in fact, it's the much easier position to take of the two to try and build on what somebody else is bringing up to you, rather than just saying, like, well, that'll never work. Well, that's another ridiculous idea. Maybe I've heard that a few times.

[Allison Rosen]

Even just being enthusiastic or being open is seen as being vulnerable or maybe uncool. So people are afraid to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also, if you don't have anything to say and it's not witty and it's not interesting and it's not funny. Then you just go the morning radio show route where you go, amen. You see that new Ashton Kutcher sitcom? Lame. No.

[Steve Hofstadter]

1. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge disaster. Huge, huge disaster. Fire. Fire in an orphanage. Lame.

[David Damaschek]

With the babies running on a fire, but the firemen are kicking them back in so they don't catch other babies on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how bad it is. That's totally lame. I've seen snow seals riddled with cancer that were being beaten by Eskimos that were funnier. Okay, Lame.

[David Damaschek]

It's a good idea for show. I mean, it's a lame idea for a show. It's a lame idea right there where.

[Adam Carolla]

We should do a show called that's Lame.

[David Damaschek]

It's so lame.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so lame.

[David Damaschek]

Probably won't even be a hit. It's so lame.

[Adam Carolla]

It sucks, dude.

[David Damaschek]

Yes. Do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. You can kill five minutes.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Who we don't hail nearly enough. The bravest inventors. It's not properly an invention, but I. You know, I've said it a million times, and I'll say it a million. And first here, the people who first tried a different type of food. Who were these courageous souls? The one that cracked the oyster and said, yes, let's ingest that. Now, who did it and what was the process? What was the literal breaking of eggs? Before you mention eggs, who figured out the poach business and who decided. You know what I mean? I could see, like a. I could see a cow somehow falling into a fire. And it smells good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You know, or swine. You know, Sal gets in a. Sal gets into fire. All of a sudden, what is that? Delicious. Oh, my God. That I could see a happy accident. But these concoctions. Who did all the work on this? The garlic. Let's throw it in a little butter. Oh, that's really very nice.

[Allison Rosen]

But the egg, really, like, who thought this thing came out of a chicken's butt? I want to put it inside me.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a few theories. One is, I think we just studied other animals eating shit and went, well, hey, that raccoon looks pretty fake, and he's eating those things. Like, I think we saw other animals eating things. And then the other thing is, we didn't approach life like it was our personal deli. We were trying to survive, so we didn't have any. I don't even know when people started talking about the taste. If you really think about it, you know, I mean, everything was just about sustenance. It was basically we were army jeeps. We would throw any fuel we could run off, anything we could dump into the tank just to get over the next hit.

[David Damaschek]

I think they weren't sweating onions to get the reduction down. Extra good for their roux.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they just had dad say roux roo. They had virgin olive oil, but not the extra. You know, the one with the two hymens. B O R R O.com borrow.com Baby, you need a little money. You need it fast. You don't want to go to the bank, you don't want to max out that credit card. Go to borrow borrow.com. it's brilliant. It's easy, it's smart, it's fast. You get cash wired right to your account. You can Visit them online. Borrow.com Adam. They got friendly agents there. You got some jewelry, some antiques, even a car you can borrow on it. They got great rates as a matter of fact. How about zero interest for your first month? Really nice people talk to these guys on the phone. And again, if you need some cash, they got some jewelry, got a car note, whatever you want, borrow against it. Then get it wired to your account within 24 hours. And again the first month, totally interest free. And you can just go online, check them out. They'll praise an item. Why the hell not? Wire it in your account within 24 hours. Dawson, even if you don't need cash today, try borrow.com right now and just see how it works. Pick any valuable item you own, go to B o r r o.com adam and chat with the borrow agent. In minutes. You'll get a range of how much cash you could have wired into your account in 24 hours. Visit borro.com Adam borrow.com Adam. All righty, Dawson.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I hope this doesn't embarrass you, Dawson, but has he started smoking or something? Because he's got kind of a gravelly voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you haven't been here for a while.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Kind of husky sounding.

[Adam Carolla]

We had the number one sports, got a couple phone calls. We got a lot of stuff going on. Dave, again, it's been a while, so I don't know if you're familiar with a lot of this stuff, but I have said probably. Well, I'm going to round up say three times that we should raise the height of the uprights on the goal post.

[Steve Hofstadter]

No, I'm not familiar.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not familiar with that. In football? Yeah, in football.

[Steve Hofstadter]

No, I've not heard. You think that they should modify the goal posts that the field goal kickers come out and make extra points.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Sidewinders have a lot of leg on them now. Now you can go ahead and watch it. New York Giants game Sunday night. Oh, there's one every Sunday night, Every Monday night now here it is and nobody has any idea. Just good or just over the top of the thing and we'll never know.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Do you know that long ago I've been informed about this because I've heard about. I was just kidding earlier. I have heard you talk about the field post before. I have. It has come up.

[Allison Rosen]

Why you heard that?

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you so stupid?

[Steve Hofstadter]

I know this is embarrassing. Why this is embarrassing.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that, Brian you're doing? You're nodding. What? Why? What's.

[David Damaschek]

I am in as agreement with you now as you. The last. The first two times you did.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm rounding up the three. I'm on board. Well, it's happened 11 times.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Because here's why I've investigated it. I honestly have. And believe me, I have walked the halls of the NFL Network and Kibbutz with your pal Rich Eisen about. Oh, you were just on Corolla or Corolla. Yeah, Corolla. Was it? Oh yeah. Did the goalpost thing come up? Of course it was Adam Corolla. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Steve Hofstadter]

So yes. And we're. So I investigated. Do you know if it goes directly over it? It's considered good. That is their. That's their. The out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what this one looked like. It just went directly over.

[David Damaschek]

It's like the foul pole is in play.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Guest]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

It would hit. If it hits the foul pole, it's a home run.

[Guest]

But if it.

[Steve Hofstadter]

But it is different. If it hits the post proper and bounces back, then it is no good. So that is a weird little double standard.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So if you freeze it, the world will never know. And again, it could be corrected with 5ft of thin walled tubing, but it will not.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'd like to see. You know, speaking of goalposts, here's my banner idea. Let's go back to the future or head to the past and. And put the goal post back where they were in the 60s at the goal line. Wouldn't that add a fun obstacle to the field? You never saw that. Wouldn't that be funny? You're probably of an age, Corolla, where they probably hadn't moved them back yet.

[Adam Carolla]

At some of the like 72, 73 or something like. Something like that. I remember seeing some of the first.

[Steve Hofstadter]

How awesome would that be?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you that Marginally awesome.

[Steve Hofstadter]

People would run into how you would. You would use it as a pick. You would just run the defenders off of it, had them collide into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me toss this one out there. Rich Eisen could figure this one out that's in this field goal five different ways and have no idea whether it would have been in or out. But anyway, poor tormentors. Let me ask you this. Do you know, it's weird. I'm just tormented for humanity. I just. I just don't get why we're simultaneous. We are retiring the space shuttle. Retiring it. It's done. We're bored with it. We have no more use for the space shuttle. It's yesterday's technology. It's basically out with waterbeds and eight track tapes. But we don't do this. Here's another one. And I've thought about this all the time. I always sort of think of the ball turret gunner. Somebody show me a ball turret. Not the gunner, but just a ball turret on like a B29.

[Steve Hofstadter]

The one underneath.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The things that kind of drive me insane is in 1944 we had a B29 Flying Fortress that had this Lucite ball with the 50 caliber machine guns in the belly of it. And the guy could turn it around like he could go 360 degrees this way and that way and turn it every which way and fire at all the Nazi planes that were coming at the B29. It was a really incredible piece of technology that we had in the early.

[Steve Hofstadter]

40S, later applied for your live in hamster. They made a full ball in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. The ones that minus the guns in the felt confined by the habit trail.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you Fast forward to 1963 and the NFL goal posts have two posts going down to the ground, not one in the center. Two pieces of galvanized steel going down. Couldn't figure out the technology. We built the Golden Gate Bridge. We couldn't do just one coming out. Make a tee. Got two, had to have two going down. It's one of those things I can never fucking figure out.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's a fair point.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let's talk about you. Let's talk about sports.

[Steve Hofstadter]

All right, let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hit it. Ball. It's time for Dave.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Number one sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Number one sports. Do it, Dave.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Sorry to get off track before we get on the track, but one more thing about food. How about the guy who first figured out the wine business? Who figured out that. Let's stop the grapes. They're good. To eat the juice is nice and everything. Everything. But if we set it aside for, I don't know how much time it takes for it to ferment and turn into wine. Who did that one?

[Adam Carolla]

Monks.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Who had the idea. Who had the idea to say this gets you loaded, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second now. They say there's a saying that's like drunker than a peach orchard pig or something like that.

[David Damaschek]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

The animals got into the fermenting, seeing the fruit land on the ground. That's what I do. Like I imagine one of my ancestors was sitting around watching a pig walk in a circle and then fall over.

[Allison Rosen]

Really early. Animal testing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like saw a pig fuck a really ugly pig.

[David Damaschek]

That pig doesn't know what he's doing.

[Adam Carolla]

That pig just heaved in a potted.

[Allison Rosen]

Plant and went, that pig has peach blossom goggles.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta get some of that in me. I love it like you do.

[Steve Hofstadter]

1780S guy. It would be an interesting bit for you to do is Corolla through history and just go back what you would have done in, you know, you know, obviously caveman days. The inventions that you would have been on hand to help with and modify at the point of inception so we don't get off the rails to begin with with some of them. You would have been the guy probably identifying some of those things.

[Adam Carolla]

I definitely would have been looking for the drunkest animals and trying to figure out how to harness that power to catch of a bunch buzz. My first impulse would be eat the animal quick while it's drunk so you can catch a buzz. And when those experiments didn't go right, eventually I would have invented apricot schnapps or peach schnapps or whatever was falling off the table.

[Steve Hofstadter]

And also, and beer is even more because it's got all the different things in it. Who decided to waste their time and do all that jazz to figure out like. And then let's set it aside and then we'll see if it worked.

[Adam Carolla]

Who did all that? I don't know, but thank Christ they did.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, I listen. Hear, hear, fella. All right, let's talk about sports for a moment. Since last we spoke, much has happened, as you may or may not have noticed. Kobe Bryant signed a massive deal. $50 million now over two seasons. And the way I consider this.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You know, the guy is old, he's got the bad Achilles. We don't know if he's going to come back. And yet the Lakers decided, let's Just go all in. We'll give him $50 million over two seasons, which to me is without even seeing him play. I equate it to if Christie Brinkley were in a terrible house fire and she suffered burns on her faces. On her face. And they put the bandages on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's lame.

[David Damaschek]

Less lame example.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They put bandages all over her face and then Sports Illustrated goes to her before they take the bandages off and say, we're giving you the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, baby. And with sight on sight. Why would the lakers have given $50 million? I find this ludicrous.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, this example, yes. Verbatim, from Lynette this morning. Verbatim. I don't know if you guys spoke. I don't know if this is kind of weird, coinky dink, but verbatim. She used Elle McPherson, but the exact same thing. Same spin, house fire, bandages on the face. Complaining about Kobe and the bump Achilles.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I found that surprising.

[Adam Carolla]

But of course, well, so in sports, there's a lot of, well, look what he's done for the franchise. Not really.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Not in 2013, that sentiment exists. But for the most part, the savvy franchises, one of which used to be the Lakers, would say, yeah, listen, that's sweet to be sentimental for all you've done, but of course, we've got to kick you to the curb. It's a business, after all. I can't believe they signed him for $50 million. This old man, we don't even know if he can run it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, he's got a fire in his belly. And he is one of those. I can't figure out. I mean, is he a douchebag?

[Steve Hofstadter]

I think he is, yes. My guess is, is that he's a douche. I think he's. We. In fact, I remember talking about him on this show with you. I feel like he's a victim to some degree of the.

[Guest]

Of.

[Steve Hofstadter]

He's in Jordan shadow. So the second he comes into the league, he's supposed to be the next Jordan. And so he sort of mimics him and he idolizes him and his mannerisms are creepily, very much like Michael Jordan. He walks like, he talks like him in interviews. That's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Black.

[Guest]

Then he has.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, I wait, is Michael Jordan also was.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't think of him as black, but yeah, no, but you know what?

[Steve Hofstadter]

You're right. Interesting. Good point. I don't see color at him, but yes. And you know, then the rape charge early in his life, that probably warps his brain a little bit and so on and so forth. But yeah, I think the bottom line is he's sort of a jerk. He's a self entitled guy who. That thing about like my team and my guys and all that, like, hey, great, who wants to be on a team with a jerk like you Telling me how it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can you be ultra crazy competitive and not possess those qualities sort of at practice with your teammates? You know what I mean? You got some guy, he's lumbering along, he's not getting back on defense. You're the most competitive guy in the world.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I guess most of those guys, that is the thing always hear is that Tom Brady doesn't make a difference if you're playing Tiddlywinks. He wants to beat you, right? Even though no one on the face of the earth who is still living ever has played tiddlywinks. It has not been played in 142 years.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he wants to win it. Well, a few things first off, so how can you see? We know. Like I'm trying to think, but I think, I think basketball is the number one hustle sport, meaning baseball. People don't really get accused of not hustling. And if they don't, it's no big deal. It's just they didn't run out and out, you know what I mean? They hit a grounder to the shortstop and Big Poppy started jogging down to first base instead of trying to dig it out because he wasn't going to make it anyway. Nine times out of ten, it's not the greatest show for the guys in the dugout, but no one really blames him because he hits a danger or later on. Now when you're playing the outfield and the ball's in the air, you're going after it. You're not going half speed. It's in the air. Basketball. Sheck and I have played enough pickup games with enough guys that hustle some guys that don't.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You saw the fire I have in my belly.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Caller]

I'm all.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I mean, that's. I got that killer instinct.

[Adam Carolla]

That's his game. You can kind of mail it in a little. And if you're one of the guys who's going 100% all the time, time you're pissed off at the guys that aren't getting back on defense and not, you know, kind of going at it.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Our mutual friend Kevin Hench, who yells at you. He yells it. He's humiliated me, right? A grown man. I'm humiliated for not passing him the ball. Oh, you decided. I've scored the team's the first 20 points. We're playing the 21. You decide to take the last shot. Good call there. Great idea. Great idea there, buddy. Great idea. Yeah, I've been. I came out today on this sunny day and in summer in Southern California to pass you the ball all day. Kevin Hench in a game that has no stakes. All right, the point, anyway, he's like Kobe Bryant.

[Adam Carolla]

He is also black. You don't get that in football so much. You don't get that in baseball so much and a lot of other sports. But basketball, now you got. You want to win. What makes Kobe different than a lot of other super talented, gifted guys out there? Is that fire in the battle Jordan as well. Does that make him an asshole in.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Any other walk of life? I say yes. It is a weird double standard if you're that way. Imagine if you're. Imagine if anybody in this room was that way. Consistently just constantly berating and a jerk to everybody. This is my team, you know, you're in charge.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But he has an incredible desire to win, which we applaud as a society. I mean, we send a very mixed message to these guys, which is we love that. Oh, he's the ultimate competitor. And, yeah, I agree. The guy who's in the locker room and he's playing checkers and trying to kill everyone at checkers is a douche.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

But these guys don't have a dimmer switch, so either way.

[Steve Hofstadter]

All right, well, so let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

50 million bucks, a lot of money.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's too much for a guy at that point in his career. And they will never get LeBron James or anyone else. But really quick.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm stuck on trying to remember what a tiddlywink is. It's like a little something where I'm at.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I've never played. You somehow try to push the Wink into a can or so. I don't know how it works anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was like, Jacks or something that's.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, look, no one knows what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what. Sheck knows. He knows Connect Four.

[Steve Hofstadter]

That's true. And I have. You know, there are a lot of really, really interesting offers out there right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now to get you to come back and play competitively.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Have I. Have. We have discussed this, obviously. Adam, I. In the mid-90s, I won three straight. Not one Allison, not two. Three straight connect four championships. Now, when you win the first one, this was the inaugural term. When you win that One. Now, your name is etched in history by virtue of being the first. So that was a great. A great honor for me.

[Adam Carolla]

The next year.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I was excited.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a target on your back the next year, Right?

[Steve Hofstadter]

That's what you feel.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's coming after you.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, and believe me, you hear that kind of thing and you think, is that just a sports cliche? Believe me, I can tell you from firsthand experience, it's all too real.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you have your whole life to get ready for your first competitive tournament, and then only a little while to prepare for the second.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Once, though, I appeared in, you know. You know, the good Lord smiled down on me and gave me a second straight one. Now we're talking about a different thing. A new standard has been anyone in. Anyone coming up behind is gonna have to win two to match Damoshek's majestic feet. The third year, I had no expectations going, and I'm telling you, I left it all out there. Did you? You know Frazier and Ali?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They thought they were gonna die.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They almost thought they were gonna die.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I know that feeling because I was drained. It wasn't just physically, emotionally, mentally. I not so much celebrated as I collapsed and, you know, and in celebration, and I was drained. And it was in that moment I realized, you know what? I don't think I can do it anymore. And I took a little bit of time and I really reflected on it, and I decided I. The. The Sport of Connect4 has done so much for me, for Dave Damachek. I don't want to disrespect it by continuing on and giving anything less than 100%. So I walked away. I announced my retirement. Since then, and before we've seen Willie Mays embarrass himself, we've seen countless pugilists do the same.

[Adam Carolla]

I won't do it.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'll play now. I'll play extra.

[Allison Rosen]

What about the money left on the table?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, listen, it's not about that. I hear where you're coming from. I understand you're practical.

[Adam Carolla]

You're practical. The wife, women.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Milan, don't get me into trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Paris, come on, now.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Listen. I have great passion for the sport. I still will dabble in recreational four, but competitive four is off limits for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me chime in here for a second. What is the sports? Sheck talked about talking about playing Connect 4, and I've never played Connect 4. I'm from the Valley. We have something called a spirit, and it comes out. And so then we would go outside and beat the shit out of Each other doing this. All right. But either way, Sheck, when we're at the man show is Nothing but Connect 4. It must have been season three or four where somebody brought in a Connect 4 game. And then there was a big tournament up on the. In the writers room. And Sheck, who I'd been hearing Talking about Connect4 for three years now running, I just walk up there and I'd go, how's it going? I go, sal and Dratch just beat Shaq two games in a row.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, that's a lie because Dratch never did. Jonathan Kimmel and Sal are good players of four. They were. Listen, the nature of the game, you clearly you just.

[Adam Carolla]

Three years of him talking about it, and he lost five out of seven.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You've never played because you. You show as much with. With your ignorance on the sport. This is not one of those sorts of games.

[Adam Carolla]

Who beat you out of the writers in competitive 4?

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'm proud to say no one up.

[Adam Carolla]

On the third floor in the exhibition.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Games, in the exhibit in recreational four. Sal.

[Adam Carolla]

John.

[Steve Hofstadter]

That's it. Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you know, John Bynes did nicely.

[Adam Carolla]

So what Streets. That's the game.

[Guest]

That's the nature of the game.

[Adam Carolla]

But the greatest connect four, no one.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Else who only hit 400. It's that sort of thing, you know, you don't win every game now. Anyway, so I walked away. But I've heard Rajan Rondo of the Celtics is an avid player. I understand that Kanye west has a passion for the sport. And most recently, there's a commercial now featuring a list celebrity Ed Norton. I've get. I get the tweets, I get the emails. I still haven't seen enough to make me come out of retirement.

[Adam Carolla]

I see they're trying to get you.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Am I tempted, though? I'm a human being, obviously, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Now there's another tournament going on right now, and it's called the NFL football season, all leading up to the. To the playoffs in January. I ask you this, ace, because we haven't talked football in quite some time. I'm always interested in your response to these things.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, when you have to do a weekly show where you want your riders is in terms of.

[David Damaschek]

Is heavily invested.

[Adam Carolla]

Heavily invested in a Connect 4 tournament on the third floor.

[Steve Hofstadter]

That's why I wouldn't do it. Too much respect for the program to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do two shows on a Friday. And it's Thursday night. You want them all up there.

[David Damaschek]

Why are we here late?

[Adam Carolla]

Again, focused on Connect 4.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Shut up. Sal's thinking about what his next move is.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't late. It was noon.

[Steve Hofstadter]

And pathetic. All right, so my question is. Well, first of all, what did you think about Mike Tomlin? All this hullabaloo about nothing in my book. Mike Tomlin had his foot on the field. I laughed out loud when I saw it. It is not because I like the Steelers. Anybody could have said done it. Bill Belichick could have done it. I would have laughed about it. I thought it was very funny for his foot to be out there and just. Oh, I had no idea what was going on. Except for the fact that the guy who's bearing down on you from behind is. That's what she said. The is is right at the moment before he collides with you, you jump out of the way. But I had no idea it was an accident.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know what the story was.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, you haven't seen this story? You're kidding me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, you were doing Thanksgiving working too much.

[David Damaschek]

He's been rewatching the clip of the field goal.

[Steve Hofstadter]

This thing is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Steelers coach.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, it's. It's too involved. You'll be fascinated by breaking down the film with like everybody else's, the Zapruder film type analysis of. Did he do this on purpose or did he not A kick return, a kickoff return in the game. Jacoby Jones of the Ravens is running up the sideline. Tomlin has his back to the play because he's looking at the Jumbotron, right? He can see that the guy is running towards. He takes a subtle step towards the field almost to get his way, but he's looking at the screen.

[David Damaschek]

He's already referee zone, you know what I mean?

[Steve Hofstadter]

He's in that two yard and justice. Jacoby Jones has to sort of alter his stride to get out of Tomlin's way. Tomlin does this wild, gesticulating kind of jump out of the way, like I say unnecessarily. And they didn't call anything at the time. But he's now, as of Tuesday, fined 100,000 by the NFL.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's a crazy thing, but, yeah, you'd be fascinated to break it all down.

[Adam Carolla]

It has been a long time, but there is film of a guy. I don't know, it's probably more from the 50s or the 60s breaking away. And a guy on the sideline tackling him.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Rice. It was a college game. There's a game for Rice and Bill Cower.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that guy.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Bill Cower, remember at the end of a Monday Night football game. Jacksonville Jaguar picked the ball up and was running towards the end zone on the last play of the game. Game. And he half. Like, he did like one of those bully half punches at the guy as he went by, like he was going.

[David Damaschek]

To knock his fists.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. You love it. I mean, I don't know.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You'll love this. You'll get caught up on this. Here, take a look here, Ace, you can take a look at the replay here. I'm sure you're about you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, Allison, I know has poured over this and analyzed it herself.

[Adam Carolla]

Here he is.

[Steve Hofstadter]

See him?

See him there?

[Adam Carolla]

Back turn. Whoop.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's amazing. But, Ace, you've clearly been doing a lot of other stuff because this is all anybody's talking about in sports right now.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Steve Hofstadter]

This hokum is the biggest story going in the last 48 hours.

[David Damaschek]

Considering taking away a draft pick from the Steelers.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah, they might take a draft pick from them for him doing this. This is an outrage. What a disrespect to. To the integrity of our game and phony scripted statements from Tomlin.

[Adam Carolla]

It's crazy. Didn't look like much to me.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Oh, believe me, turn on any TV and you'll see all. All sorts of stuff. Seahawks, are they going to win it all? Can anybody beat them? Fellas, especially going up through the rain Niners this weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I was with the aforementioned Kevin Hench a couple Sundays ago, the biggest Pats fan in the world. Seeing them down 24 nothing at halftime, sitting in front of a nine foot screen at Amalfi. The rest are seeing them down 24 nothing and then seeing them win that game. The Belichick and Brady thing that I don't care who they play, I never count them out. I know they're not what they used to be, but they were just down 24 nothing to Denver and they just came back and won the game.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I think you're exactly right, because the super bowl this year, of course, is in New York City, where it could be frigid, potentially snowy. Those would be the two best teams to get there based on their ability to perform in that weather. The Broncos would stink it up, as Peyton Manning typically does in the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really the mark of a great quarterback and a great coach, and it's everything that football is really about, which is you go down 24 nothing to a very good team. You go in the locker room and then instead of. Well, you go, all right, well, logically, this game should end 48 to nothing. Oh, no, you have two you have a great field general and a great coach. And you go out and during that 20 minutes you have in the locker room, you make a whole bunch of adjustments, and then you come back out and the team you gave away 24 points to, you beat. It's.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yes, that is quite remarkable and hard to not respect. But I do my best to.

[Adam Carolla]

I try as well.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a sports comment. You know when you're learning a foreign language and when you're just learning the words or you're reading stuff in a textbook, it makes sense. But then when you hear people speak it, you're like, it's going so fast, it sounds rapid fire, like craps.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You ever go throw the dice in Vegas?

[Allison Rosen]

Then it moves fast and you have no money.

[Guest]

Moves too fast.

[Allison Rosen]

That is how I feel when I watch football. It just as much as I try to understand it, when I actually see it, it just like, it goes so fast. Where's the ball? And then.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I don't think you needed the F bomb, but all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. What's with the language?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Excuse me. Someone else has changed.

[Adam Carolla]

That's lame, dude.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't even notice that I said it.

[David Damaschek]

We cut that out.

[Adam Carolla]

We should cut it out.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Should.

[Caller]

Right.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It'd be best for me.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't even.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't aware what you should do. You should take that tongue and you should mail it to the closest bar of [e-mail]. that's what you need to use. Holidays are here. You need to mail your [e-mail]. use stamps.com. you don't want to get. Oh, I don't know how much it weighs. Oh, you get a free digital scale.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll just stick my tongue right on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got to be careful, because sometimes you can get some head and neck in there and screw up the whole thing and it weighs it. Official US Post postage. Comes right out of your computer. Comes right out of your printer. It is amazing. 55 bucks free postage. What a deal. Go to stamps.com. before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in, Adam. That is stamps dot com promo code Adam. All right, Check. Let's bring it home, buddy.

[Steve Hofstadter]

All right, let's do it. Bald Crepe, crepe, crepe of the wake of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. I've got three quick ones for you. First of all, as a society, can we once and for all clean up? All I ever hear about from everybody is clean up. You're so disorganized why is everything all over the place then? Why can't we let me throw it back at society. Figure out out. Why is one animal a possum but also an opossum? I want to determination made once and for all. I feel like we're a little lax on oh, possum. Completely acceptable. But so is possum.

[Allison Rosen]

We're hoarding the words.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Why do that? Why have two? And I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry to go back to this. You and Lynette did not speak this morning. Or you spoke. Because now I'm fucking freaking out. She went right off of the supermodel head and gauze analogy to the possum. Opossum.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I read her blog this morning.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw what happened.

[Steve Hofstadter]

No. Yeah. That sort of thing bugs me. And then here's one. I bit my tongue when you were talking about your cranberry chutney. Because Thanksgiving. Listen, I enjoy. It's my favorite of all the holidays. I love that it is now an institution. That even people who don't like football now just accept that that's it. That you have three games and that's glorious. That you get to sit around and watch that. And it's kind of like you don't have the games on. That's not right. Like most holidays always equal. Turn the TV off. It's Christmas. You don't have the tv. So all that stuff is great. The turkey is delicious. I say deep fry or brine. Either way, it's the sides. First of all, the Jello. Who decided jello goes to grownups?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Steve Hofstadter]

No one eats Jello. No one needs it all year long.

[Adam Carolla]

No one.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I never hear any adults. I give me a Jello for. Can I give Jello for dessert? Kind of. Because I'd like that. What are your flavors of jello? They don't serve them because grownups don't eat it except at Thanksgiving. Then they throw the extra wrinkle that no one asked for in the first place. Did you jello now they put the little mini marshmallows in there. What gives?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I was laughing, I think with Drew at some point about women being excited over their next Jell O mold at some point in like 1957 and thought, I think I missed those days.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the days of Tupperware parties.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, I missed the jello mold. Like, they had the Christmas tree one. Not that my mom had any of that. But I just mean the idea that a woman would be psyched for a New mold for her. Jello.

[David Damaschek]

Yes, it arrived.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Finally, that vacuum cleaners were a tremendous gift to the Mrs. Oh, my God. I got you a new model, hun.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you imagine coming home and the Mrs. Was with five of her friends and they were proudly showing off their new molds.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Tupperware parties.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Let's have a social occasion. Yeah. We'll all get together and we'll trade plastic holder things.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? Was there some sort of Tupperware patent that expired six years ago?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Because now there's all sorts of tupperware patterns.

[Adam Carolla]

There's 7,000 different. Like you can go to Target and buy 150 different varieties and shapes and sizes of containers that have a lid that snaps on them that you read use. For 51 years, it was Tupperware. Tupperware only you could not buy it at the store. I said that my grandparents had like three pieces. They were so fucking cloudy. Light would not pass through them. But God forbid, grandpa gave me some goulash to take back to my apartment. Grandma would meet me at the door, throw herself in front of the door, yell, go back in the kitchen, get a jar that had mayonnaise in it was weird and crusty at the top and transfer for it. Because I could not take said Tupperware out of house. It was that valuable currency. What is up?

[Allison Rosen]

And there used to be discussion of burping the Tupperware.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Until you get the air out.

[Adam Carolla]

I did kind of like now the.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Other side of that coin, this side dish, this is. This is a much larger complaint of mine, is what is delicious. And I don't think you'll get much fight out. I mean, mashed potatoes are good, but the best Thanksgiving side dish is easily stuffing, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Then why don't we eat it all year? Why save stuffing for Thanksgiving? It's delicious. Would we do that with anything else in. In the world?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we love it.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It tastes so good. See you next year. That would never happen with anything else. Why is stuffing relegated to things? I listen, it's a great treat. There's no question about it. But it's not like, you know, eggnog is particular because they got to get that, you know, it's the concoction and it's hot, so you wouldn't want it in July. Stuffing all year round. I call here and now for every restaurant in all the land to begin serving stuffing on your regular menu.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want it tomorrow. You hear that? Melting pot.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Thank you. And lastly, I don't want to Go out on an angry note. I visited our mutual pal, the sports guy on the BS Report, actually, the day after you did to talk about Fast and Furious. I went on there to talk about another movie that they're remaking. It's called Roadhouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you heard of it. Yeah. It ends now. You know what?

[Steve Hofstadter]

New society, it's up. There's nothing left here now in this society. I say we burn this globe and move to a new plan planet and start fresh, because it's all over with. History means nothing. We're doing this now. Then there are no sacred cows left. I say we abandon the big blue marble, move on to greener pastures or red or anywhere where they don't disrespect the late, great Patrick Swayze.

[Adam Carolla]

He was the best cooler in the business. Shame on you, Hollywood field. Oh, the Blaster. Remember when we met the man?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Do I remember it, Adam? My whole life has been downhill since then.

[Adam Carolla]

I met the man one time. I was with Dave Damoshek. We were.

[Steve Hofstadter]

We've spun this yarn, but it's worth repeating. We were at El Malfi.

[Adam Carolla]

In fact, we were sitting there. We were eating. I think there's a couple of two, three of us over there, and we just looked out and went, who is that ruggedly handsome man who's smoking out.

[Steve Hofstadter]

On the sidewalk wearing a suede jacket?

[David Damaschek]

Well, built for his age?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's Swayze. And then Dave said, well, like, you're sort of a celebrity. Why don't you go up there, say hi to him, introduce yourself, you know, one celebrity to another, and, oh, there we are. There's a picture of us. I forgot about that picture. Either way, I remember him just kind of going, no, you went up to him.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's always the best. The same thing happened with. When I. We go up to. To him, hey, I'm Adam Carolla. Maybe man show. I'm familiar with that sort of thing. Nope. Anyway, yeah, I gotta do a radio show and everything. Anyway, my buddy Shaq here, you know, he. We're big fans of Roadhouse and Red Dawn. We watch him all the time.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, we do.

[Adam Carolla]

We do.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I can tell you, Patrick, we really do. We sit around late at night. We've watched him multiple times each, like, yeah, Sheka, such a fan. He dressed up as you. He was Dalton for Halloween. Patrick Swayze's response was this.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? My own.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I went up to Tony Dorset, the late. Not the late, but the legendary running back. I went up to him in Los Angeles.

[Guest]

Yes.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's the year 1990. 5ish or I'm sorry, 1999, 2000ish. I meet him. I'm there. Oh, my. Tony Dorset.

[Adam Carolla]

Tamu G. I say to him, listen.

[Steve Hofstadter]

My grandfather back in 1972 saw you play when you were at hopewell high back in steeltown, Pennsylvania. He called my father and said, I just saw a kid who's committed to go to pitt next year. I'm telling you, he's gonna break every record in the book. He's dynamite. Of course, Tony dorset did go on to break all the records in college, went on to a glorious pro career. And now, Tony Dorset, quarter century later, a young boy. I saw you when I was six years old, the year you won the heisman trophy. And here the two of us sit in Hollywood. Tony dorset's response was, huh? Why can't you get your energy up for two seconds? I know you do it a lot. Can't you just go, like, how neat. That's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, let's go.

[Steve Hofstadter]

That was the same level of energy required there.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's talk for a moment about people not having appropriate reactions to things like that. Not exactly the same. However, we were outside of our show in. We did a live podcast in brea, and some guys were like, oh, hey, it's Alison. They had been in the audience. They were excited to see me. And they came up and one looked really familiar. And I was like, did you happen to be in a band? And he said, yes. And I said, what was the name? And he told me, and I said, I think I interviewed you, like 10 years ago. And I had been in his house interviewing him. No reaction like, it's me, the person you were excited to take a photo with a second ago. I'm telling you, I've been in your house. House. You're supposed to be excited by this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a Tommy dorset reaction. Famously said, tony Dorsett.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Tommy dorsett's a band leader.

[David Damaschek]

He's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Tommy Dorsey.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the same thing with leno. I worked across the street from his house in 1986. He was renting a house up in the hills. He was a comedian. I recognized him. I talked to him about comedy. I help on his motorcycles. He told me, hey, go to the deli smoker and do standup. They're doing open mics, I guess, over at the deli smoker someplace on Ventura boulevard. And we went back and forth. I said, I got a cassette. Could you listen to cassette? I worked on the guy, the neighbor's house, for four months. I was always going over there. And the whole thing. Smash cut to me and Jimmy were doing the tonight show in 1999 or something, and when he came back, I said, jay, this is pretty weird because the last time I saw you, you were just a working comedian. Now you're hosting the Tonight show and we're on it. And he went, there we go, what the fuck? I don't know what impresses you in that case you want to tell yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

They're just so bowled over, their speechless. But I don't think it's that at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a part of me that thinks they think you're making it up or something. They can't think you're lying. I just don't. I don't think people are properly trained. Like when somebody says, I dressed as you for Halloween. You either need a joke or something. Oh, that's.

[Steve Hofstadter]

How nice are you?

[Adam Carolla]

You need to know how to treat me. You need to know how to treat your fans. Like when we were at Cantors having breakfast.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah. Well, we've told that two weeks later. That was the best. The first three weeks of taking over for Howard Stern. Carolla is walking down the street and some chunky hipster guy says, as Carolla, as the two of us are walking in, say, yeah, not as good as Howard Stern. Carolla goes, f you.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Steve Hofstadter]

No, no, no, listen. I'm just saying you're not as good as he is. And I'm telling you F off. And the guy's like, no, look, I'm a producer. I know what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, I don't give a God damn F off.

[Steve Hofstadter]

He's yelling himself, yeah, go have yours. In the middle of a broad daylight on Fairfax. It was. It was just goddamn phenomenal because it was the opposite. You go up to these guys, compliment them, they're like, yawn. I get this all the time. What? They don't. They think I can say things to you because you're not a real person. I can do whatever I want to.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not funny. When he said he was a producer.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Wait, you're actually getting angry at me?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, yeah, you're telling me I'm not.

[Steve Hofstadter]

As good as Howard struck. Get the F out of here. Oh, it was just.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell everybody. I'll tell my kids I fell in love. Always have a off. Chambered. Always have one chambered. Just right there at the ready in case you need one. All right, and now Alcoa presents. Definitely not a Jew on The Adam Carolla Show. Dateline, New York City. A 38 year old man was caught by airport security screeners trying to smuggle a knife onto his flight to Mexico City. The man hid the knife inside a jar of mayonnaise. Definitely not a Jew. Quick note us in Sacramento this Saturday at the Kress Theater. Tickets going quick, doing the live podcast. And then in Fresno Tower theater as well. 7:00pm, doing the podcast. Steve Hofstadter here. Steve, stand up comedian, a writer. Steve was very generous, generous in his help of our project on Road Hard, getting the word out there and spreading it around. So we thought we'd repay you by having you on the program. Good to see you, Steve.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, thank you. I'm happy to be part of the pirate ship. And the Definitely not a Jew is actually my favorite segment of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, as a Jew myself, a secret Jew, because most people don't know by looking at me. But the comment that Allison got the other day about like, oh, looks kind of dirty.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it was when he first saw me, thought, oh, too Jewy. But now he's come around and he thinks I'm smoking hot.

[Steve Hofstadter]

But for me, like, growing up in New York attracted you. Like, kind of Jewy was attractive to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Like, that was when I hear someone described as kind of Jewy, I'm like, oh, great. Just like my wife. And she's hot.

[Adam Carolla]

So I like, I like kind of Jewy. If I was to pick, you know, if people were, were breeding.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like, you know, I, I do like labs the best. They're, they're just affectionate and they're easy. Good with kids and stuff like that.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Just like Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

I go with Jew. Yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Also getting good with kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but that's, that's the domesticated North American Jew. Not crazy. Crazy. You don't know.

[David Damaschek]

They heal. They can. They're trainable. Yeah, I agree with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Goodness. Yeah. Always. No.

[Guest]

Would you rescue a Jew or would.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You get a Jew from a, a breeder?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jew. Rescued Jew. Yeah. I guess I could head down to the camp and rescue Jew. Yeah, yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

We're doing okay now, but for a while we needed a lot of rescuing.

[Adam Carolla]

They're rescues. No, if you said to me, it's an interesting thought that most people probably wouldn't want to answer, but if you said, I have a daughter, all right, who would you like her to marry? And you didn't. There's no names, there's no anything. You just, just went a Jew, a Puerto Rican, A Go all the way down the list of things. I think Jude beat the top of my I want you to marry pyramid.

[Guest]

We do. Okay.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'm a fan of our work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm a big fan as well. Anyway, the podcast that Steve does. High confidence, low self esteem. New episodes available every Tuesday on itunes. So tell me specifically how you helped us.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, I absolutely loved the idea of the project as soon as I heard it. Just because the pirate ship in general. Fuck the establishment. We can do things on our own. Has always been something that's appealed to me as a comic. And so when I heard about it, I had corresponded with Mike August in the past about other things. So I just emailed him and I was like, hey, I'd love to be a part of this. And so when I heard about what you guys were doing in terms of getting the word out to comedians, I own a couple comedy clubs, so I have an email list of about 12,000 deep of comics. So I sent out a giant blast to them saying, hey, go support this and apply to be in it. And it's a wonderful thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really a. It's a great time. Because in a way, it's like there's a form of communication known as the Internet that the man can't really control and. And there's nothing they can do. In the past, you're just sort of at the mercy. Meaning there were gatekeepers.

[David Damaschek]

You had to be let in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you did. And there was a whole bunch of gatekeepers with no taste most of the time.

[David Damaschek]

Yeah, anti taste.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, I'm not saying there's never been a good TV show, but there's been a lot of good TV shows, but there's been a lot of shitty TV shows and God knows how many good ones we've never seen because the gatekeepers would not allow it. Now we are. Whether it's making a movie or doing a podcast or lots of video content, it's really just, we're putting it out there and may the best man or woman win. And that's where we're at now. And it's kind of nice. It's a little bit scary, but it's kind of nice. And it's nice to have people like yourself and just sort of go completely, completely around the establishment.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Everything I've ever done with my career, you know, when I started, the first big thing I was involved in with was collegehumor.com I was their first writer. And then that led to a lot of exposure. This was 2000. And then I had 200,000 friends on Facebook. And it just kept going. And I realized, yeah, I would go to the. I would try to get booked, and I would call up a comedy club booker, and they would be like, only call me on Tuesdays between 9 and 9:15. I don't even know what time's. And it was very frustrating. And so finally I just said, you know, fuck it. I can do my own thing. And now most of the shows I do, I perform at rock clubs. I do a lot of stuff, you know, kind of outside the box with that so that I don't have to call a comedy club and I don't have to say, hey, can you please give me a shot? I just say I can bring my own people.

[Allison Rosen]

So did you say you own two comedy clubs?

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I own Morty's in Indianapolis and Laughing Devil in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

And is that tough? Is that a tough business?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And is most of the money made at the bar and selling nachos?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Most of the money isn't made, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just. Yeah, if the money's made, yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Labor of love and very little money. The money is made at the bar, sure. But the money is also made from putting on a consistently good show. And there's never. A lot of the clubs do the thing like World's Funniest Lawyer. And everyone who goes to that show fucking hates that show. And they're like, I'm never gonna come to another comedy show as long as I live. Cause this is what it's like. And that's not not what it's like. So the way to run it well, and what we've been successful so far is just put on good acts and the people will come.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll throw out a plug. By the way, if you want to find out where should we go to your website. If people want to find out where the clubs are, who's going to be on where you're going to be playing games, all that stuff.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah, they can Google Steve Hofstadter. Google will correct you on the spelling, even if you get it wrong. But you can also just pick Steve Docks is a nice little short link.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's get the news ready. I want to blow through a couple of calls because I feel bad because I've been on hold for a million years. Brian.

[Caller]

Hey, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

28, Kansas City.

[Caller]

Love you, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Love you, man. You recently divorced?

[Caller]

So I was married. I was with this girl for 13 years. Married for seven. Anyways, so I've been for. I'm 28 good, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

We were together since we were 15.

[Adam Carolla]

15, right.

[Caller]

So she was around through all my drinking and drugs and. Anyways, I've been sober 16 months now. I was with the girl for a little bit. She ended up cheating on me. And I found myself trying to get in the dating world and, you know, pretty much the only girls I see is like, you know, support groups and stuff, their own issues, and I just kind of. And I have absolutely no game, you know, I didn't ever play games.

[Adam Carolla]

You sound like you're dripping with game.

[Caller]

Yeah, I know.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Seems to be good with 15 year olds.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to borrow some game. Yeah, well, I'm guessing he was 15, right?

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'm hoping.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm hoping. All right, look, the thing about game these days is all you need, speaking of game and gaming is a fucking computer. I have no sympathy and no advice for anyone who's single anymore. There's a million websites, a million computers, a million ways to connect and reach out to people. I just, I don't see any I can understand, like, hey, I'm just no good at a bar. You know what I mean? I'm just no good in that scene. I understand that. And then you go. For me, when I was single, I used to work construction. So I just work with a bunch of dudes and illegal aliens. Like there was no women around my workplace or anything. And then you'd have to go to a bar and I was no good at the bar. Now you have a computer. There's a million different. There's probably. There's probably a dating website called Got no Game. There should be.

[Steve Hofstadter]

There is now.

[Adam Carolla]

There is now.

[Allison Rosen]

But Brian, because I know that date, going on a quote unquote date and not drinking will feel really weird because the guy, my fiance Daniel, is the first guy that I ever wasn't drunk with. And before I met him, when I would go out with people and was not drinking, it felt very, very uncomfortable. At the beginning I was like, oh, well, this is why I always drank before. My suggestion would be when you do meet someone, focus on just being friends with them and not doing things that feel super daty. Just hang out. I think that'll be the easiest way to ease your life.

[Steve Hofstadter]

There's Gotta be like soberdate.com though, right? There's gotta be. I met my wife online.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there you go.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah, I met her on JDate, where in real life I'm just a regular guy, but on JDate, I was a hot commodity.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Hey, Brian. Yeah, yeah, just hop on the computer. Figure it out that way. All right, buddy.

[David Damaschek]

The online dating seems to be the great equalizer. The playing field sort of level for everyone. Because if you're not, you don't have the game, you're not a great conversationalist. You can arrange it so that you have a great picture or profile or whatever. It's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Not only that, I think it tilts the field toward the guy who's good with his fingers, can type, can craft a funny, you know, can respond, headline, whatever, you know, I mean, the good looking big guy, the strapping guy, probably not so nimble with the fingers on the computer.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Just mashes the keypad a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Angrily.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, actually, I use my forehead. Jesse.

[Caller]

Hey there.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. What's going on?

[Caller]

Hey. Big fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks. What's your question? 27 from Virginia, right?

[Caller]

Right. So I'm starting a doctorate program in neuropsychology in just a couple weeks. You and Drew have a lot to do with the motivation it took to get my shit together long enough to do it. So thank you for that. And which leads into my question. You sometimes give Drew a hard time for his love affair with academia. And you'd probably agree with your buddy Dennis Prager, who says stuff like, the primary source of stupidity in America comes from academia. But you also say that the formula for success includes an emphasis on education.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Caller]

So what kind of education are you referring to when you say that?

[Adam Carolla]

I want my kids to be disciplined. First off, I want them to be able to read and write very well, because that's going to help. At least that was part of what held me back for so many years, is I could not read or write write, and thus I was picking up garbage on a construction site. Now, there's spell correct and things like that. But I feel like being able to read and write are really incredibly fundamental to just like if you were to give, you know, a just sort of core something you want your kids to leave the house with going, oh, this kid reads really well, comprehends really well, writes really well. Well, and then does basic math in their head. Like, I want them good at math and reading and all that kind of stuff. It's just a waste of my time. What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

K through 8?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. After that, I just want them to have a super strong work ethic. And I hope that they have something that flips their cookie. They're into something. Not being into something is really one of the greatest determining factors on whether you're going to do anything or not. Because if you're not into anything, then there's no. So you're basically rudderless and you're just kind of hoping to get into something that you're not into. So I don't really care. And as far as the education goes, I really think that colleges. I don't know who I was just talking. I mean, I talked to Mike August about this. Mike was saying that it's really unfair to take some of these people and have them ring up a bill. That's six figures that they owe when they're 22, 23, 21 years of age after they graduate high school. You would not give that line of credit to somebody at age 18 or 19. The loans are kind of a. And this is before you own a home. You're basically paying a mortgage. These people have no credit history. It's a weird thing to give that kind of, you know, I owe 100 or 150 grand where the student was loans that I got when I was 18. That's insane. I would have never got out from under that if I was that age. Also, as he always mentioned, there's a guy who went to a girl who went to his business school, who lived in China, who just did everything online. I don't see why you need to show up in that brick and mortar classroom anymore. Anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the discipline. Because there's always that person who's like, I'm not gonna take the class. I'm just gonna buy all the books.

[Adam Carolla]

Books.

[Allison Rosen]

But then it's very hard to actually do it unless there's someone holding you accountable.

[Steve Hofstadter]

The first time I ever showed up for class and had done the reading, I felt like I was a witch because I was like, oh my God, I know what they're talking about now. Because I was the guy who would always go and just wait for them to tell me.

[Adam Carolla]

The, the lectures are all online now, I'm guessing. I'm just saying by the time my kids are college age, I don't know that you'll need to go five days a week. I certainly wouldn't want to pay the equivalent to 50 grand a year, which going to be 150 grand a year for them to. Look, I don't think that there's. I don't know that there's a set path. All I know is intact families focused on education not for the sake of education, but for the discipline of every night you do this homework or every day you go here and you show up and you don't have a choice choice whether to show up or not show up. You show up. And while you're there, you do what's required of you while you're there, because that's what jobs are. Later on in life, you show up, you do what your boss tells you to do. That's the discipline that I want them to have. And there's sort of repetition and then getting along with other people and sort of commingling and cohabiting with these other people in this setting. As far as the education part, if you're not curious, forget it. And you can learn everything online or on the Discovery Channel and God knows what they're going to have 10 years from now.

[Allison Rosen]

But congrats on getting your doctorate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, real quick, and then we'll hop on some news. Bridget?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

33, Colorado.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam.

[Guest]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, man?

[Caller]

Well, my question to you is one, I've been wanting to know for a long time. I've been listening to you for a long time. But if you had never met Lynette and you had still created the pirate ship that you have now, do you being James Baby Doll Dix and your agent, right, Agent that you go to now, who would, like, who would you have him contact for you?

[Adam Carolla]

Lisa Welcher. Wait. She's religious. She's got her head screwed on right. She looks great for age. Plus, you can always beat off to the old episodes.

[David Damaschek]

You could do a lot worse.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot worse.

[Steve Hofstadter]

One of my favorite parts about this show is that Adam's so quick that he's ahead of the question. Like, I saw, like, halfway through that question, you were like, okay, I have Lisa Welchel.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. I think she's crazy and religious now.

[Allison Rosen]

And she's freshly divorced.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, three. Yeah. Bridget.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

This may not be a hypothetical. This could go down.

[Caller]

I want to know two questions. What would be your legalized pot?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Colorado. Front lawn now. Right. That's right.

[Caller]

What would be your first, I just want to screw her. Which I think would be your Scarlett Johansson, because you've made that comment several times about wanting to screw Scarlett Johansson. And then what would be your. Actually, I want to kind of date her and get to know her.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I already answered Lisa Whelchel, and it was only Scarlett Johansson because I know she'd hate it. And there's just a part of me that likes that you're selling yourself short.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of women might hate it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, there's a large group, but a picture is a hate pyramid. And she'd be the eye.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's a hate fuck for one and an enjoyment for you. So it's a hate fuck for one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm attracted to her. Well, you know, but Scarlett Johansson, it's a complicated algorithm. Yeah. By the way, I know you're in Colorado and I know you may not know exactly the ins and outs of the business, but it's not like James baby doll Dixon calls Scarlett Johansson and says that, guess what, Adam's single and he's horny. Now, you know, you gotta get a better agent. You don't need to fuck him to new. But obviously before Sunday I will get 10% though. Yeah. Ooh, you're in Toronto. Well, we're going to have to get you on a jet then, sweetie. Stop production for X Men 3 or whatever the fuck you're working on. All right, one more and then we'll hop on some news. Line five. Chris Chicago.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam. Love the show and love the Mangria, but several.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. What's going on?

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess the lead into my question, you've never really been shy in, I guess, addressing, you know, in your personal stories saying negative things about people. And I was just wondering if you ever worry about people that might listen to the podcast or confront you about, you know, either shit you say about them negatively, whether it's family members and obviously not your parents, maybe other of their extended family or.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, friends. It happens a lot. Look, I've always just said, Steve, I'm curious as a comedian, your thoughts on this, but if you talk as if people are listening, you will alter your conversation dramatically. Well, actually, I think we were talking about this. I do so many damn podcasts and so many other people's radio shows, but you do everything differently if. And you think people are watching. If you think about working out and now picture 100 people watching you work out, by the way, you'd be in great shape because you'd fucking do 20 more push ups than you normally do and you'd run an extra hour on the treadmill. But either way, if people are watching you or you perceive people to be watching you, just imagine.

[Allison Rosen]

I say this as a mental exercise. Imagine sitting alone in a field, like reading a book or something.

[Caller]

Something.

[Allison Rosen]

And you think you're alone and then all of a sudden another person comes into the. To the field. Just imagine how much your body language.

[Adam Carolla]

Changes your awareness quite. You alter yourself quite a bit. So it's kind of the enemy of creativity if you're painting and then somebody walks in the room and you go, oh shit, I better Change this, because now I have a set of eyeballs. And then you start getting into, oh, I'm doing a portrait of this person, and now this person's not going to like this. Now I'm going to start. Go ahead. I'm going to narrow their chin a little, make their bust a little bigger, and bring their ass in a little. Well, now you're altering what you would.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Do artistically as a comic. My rule is, basically, I have to work on the joke while they're not watching. So if I'm going to do jokes about my family, I've got to make them good before my family comes to see him. Because then by the time I'm making fun of them, I'm like, doesn't matter. It's funny. I already know you know it's good, so suck it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I unfortunately, don't have that luxury or discipline. As we discussed earlier. I'm aware that some people hear things, and some people like to share things with others under the guise of. I thought you should know when. It's really just, I'd like to watch you cry, but. And those horrible people should fucking kill themselves. But I'm not willing to modify what I say to that extent because there's more of you than there are of them, number one. And number two, as I've said all the time, I can be an asshole because I'm not an asshole, just like I can be a racist because I'm not a racist. Makes perfect sense.

[David Damaschek]

Works out really well.

[Allison Rosen]

Has anyone ever asked you specifically not to talk about something on air? And you've been like, no, I really want to talk about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, there's a little code out there. Like, I've had conversations with Howard Stern where I've seen said like, hey, Howard, I don't want to talk about this on the air, or, don't talk about that on the air. Back and forth, and it happens all the time. It's got to happen all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm asking, like, if anyone, like, has there ever been something with Lynette, let's say, where she's like, please don't talk about this on the air. Maybe not her, but anyone near you where they said that, and even she knows better.

[Adam Carolla]

It's happened.

[Allison Rosen]

It's happened, and you talk about it or you don't talk about it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, if somebody says, don't bring this up, there is a, I think, a sort of unwritten whatever within the broadcasting community, at least, no matter how outrageous the personality is, that if you go this is not really for public consumption. I think there's a weird code where I would never bring that up. If somebody said, don't bring this up, and I've never said to somebody else, please don't bring this up. This up. And they have.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Well, it's back to what you were saying about people choosing. You know, you choose to park in the handicap spot, you could get that ticket. It's the same way that, like, Louis CK Did a brilliant hour about his wife, and then his next brilliant hour was about his divorce.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Hofstadter]

So there was a choice where the results could go the wrong way. And they did. But it was a choice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. All right, get ready with the news. I'm gonna get you guys ready with nature box, baby. Hungry in the middle of the day, you don't want to reach for the garbage that's in the vending machine. Pack on the pounds. Especially around the holidays. Third option, you sign up for NatureBox. Great tasting healthy snacks sent right to your door each month. Shipping's free. It ain't rabbit food, man. We've had this stuff. Well, it goes. We got it here, and it was devoured immediately. French toast, granola, Salty caramel pretzel pops, dark cocoa almonds. I think we had the raspberry or blueberry almonds. Unbelievable. Just good stuff. Lots of protein, all natural. You need that snack. You don't want the junk. This is where you go. Designed to leave you full, totally healthy, zero trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup, nothing artificial. You can try NatureBox. 50% off your first order. Order lots of great stuff. Go to naturebox.com, use the promo code ADAM or click the naturebox [e-mail] Buy a couple of these ditties, throw them in the console of your car. When you're driving around and you're thinking about going to that fast food place, just get a handful of faster food nuts in you, and you just feel that much better. And you don't eat the junk. All right, baby, let's do some news. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Some. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it. Cut it. Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So the Newtown911 tapes were released today. We're not gonna play them. It's just too upsetting. A lot of people have. Yeah, I know. Every time I heard it mentioned today, I would kind of cringe thinking, please don't play it, please. And I managed to only hear a snippet of the calls there. You know, it's upsetting. It's about a year now since it happened. But what people are saying is that the town dispatchers sound very calm and in control. That's what kind of emerges from listening to it, is that people were doing their jobs, they weren't panicking. The school's acting custodian is being hailed as a hero for staying on the phone with 911 and relaying information, et cetera.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he a lot? Yes. Oh, okay. All right. I don't understand why that stuff. I know we have a lot of public whatever stuff that needs to be consumed by the public, but to me, the 911 calls do not need to be public record. And I do think they're going to get a celebrity killed one of these days, like we were talking about with Demi. Because when a celebrity is ODing and flatlining in the bathroom with foam coming out of their mouth, the assistant doesn't want to call and say who it is and what's going on and what they've ingested. All super critical information to the paramedics that are speeding toward the house up on the hill. But the person is freaked out because they know this is going to be replayed.

[David Damaschek]

This feels like a loophole in the Freedom of Information act where like that was supposed to. To keep the government in check. They can't hide documents from the people and we are to release them and see what they're all this feels like a loophole. Like why?

[Steve Hofstadter]

What conspiracy could they possibly be hiding for the Newton calls?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need the toxicology report either. Unless it involves something that happened in public. Like you get drunk, shoot your wife. That's between you and your wife. And I don't need to know if you're drunk or not. That's not really my business. It's a weird thing. And then I don't need the fucking eight week delay on the toxicology report. Breathalyzer. And get by the side of the fucking freeway and figure out if you blow a 09 right on the 110. I don't get why the backup. And I know the backup probably means there's some fucking hobo corpse in front of you, but move them aside and get the celebrities to the front of the line if we're gonna get the toxic. Here's what I want. You know what I. You know what I hate? The toxicology report becomes like the weird appetizer. Appetizer that you ordered that the waitress forgot about and then brings after the fucking meal.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm no longer hungry for Amy Winehouse's info.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I would actually like to have some sort of fantasy sports league where we take different toxins. Well, not appetizers. I was going toxins of celebrities and just see who wins.

[Adam Carolla]

See, the thing is not to step.

[Steve Hofstadter]

On DraftKings right now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, right now they have that.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They have that. I gotta play.

[Adam Carolla]

When the person dies, it's, you know, eight or 10 weeks later, you've completely.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Completely moved on to the new celebrity that's died.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. Either don't do it at all or have it come out that day or later on that week or whatever it is. I feel like if you fast tracked it, it's not like, well, we have to wait for the blood to ferment and blah, blah, blah. You can just go down to the point pulled. Figure it out.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Did they wait long enough to release it just in time for their family to be okay again? And then they release it just to be like, hey, you know, you weren't sad anymore. Well, here's something to make you sad, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We found bleach in your departed loved one's system.

[Steve Hofstadter]

And the media's gonna call you, so enjoy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just don't. I don't feel like we need to be privy to if the guy had cocaine in his system when he did whatever on his premises.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't it funny that we think that we are entitled to that, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I really don't. I feel like maybe if you're a public official, or maybe if you go and shoot up a school that's sort of on public grounds, but if this is a domestic dispute or what have you, that's you. And you're right. And also, do you ever have that thing when you order something?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Gonna say, what do you do? Because at that point, you don't want it. It's just a bunch of calories.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You're already gonna pay for it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had that move where we won't. All right. We're into our entree and the quesadillas never came. But I'm fucking stuffed now. I hope the quesadillas don't come. Then there's that moment of, should we bring them up? Maybe she forgot them. But maybe she charged us and forgot them. In which case. But you're never gonna find out until they.

[Steve Hofstadter]

You wait for the bill.

[Adam Carolla]

They should give you the bill in the middle.

[David Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's where you are. Keep a running Tally slapping on you when you're bloated and drunk and you go, I think that's part of the plan. They see it in the middle. That's on there.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It's very rare that you need to e the appetizer. Most of the time you get the appetizer because you're like, oh, well, that looks good too. And I'd like something to eat while I'm waiting.

To eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

And so if you're already eating and the appetizer hasn't come, it's like, oh, sweet. Free mistake. Yeah, I guess you guys have fixed my mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

I've probably eaten 7,000 pieces of key lime pie that I did not want, but I did one of their. Back to James, Baby doll Dixon. Here's how it works all the time. It's like five people out, big meal, steaks, all that kind of stuff. And then at the end, could I tempt you with some desserts in the mini dessert menu? Someone else just the dessert, and you go, no, I'm good. I'm good. No, I'm good. I'm good. And then one guy at the end of the table goes, that person's brave.

[Allison Rosen]

Usually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And skinny.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, always.

[Adam Carolla]

They go, look, why don't we just get some tiramisu for the table? For the table. And then you go, what are you gonna do? Fucking jump over the table and start choking the guy like he wants to get some tiramisu for the table, you monster. No. And then as they're walking away, and bring two pieces of key lime pie. And then you go, all right, five minutes ago you were not eating dessert. Now you're fucking wrestling for the rest. Now you're doing that reach.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna say you go from not wanting any to being worried that you're not gonna get enough because now you're splitting it.

[Adam Carolla]

So now all the shit arrives and you go, well, I'm not gonna pull it twice because I didn't want dessert. I'll just throw my shoulder out of socket trying to get that key lime pie.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good because the spoons are thick and heavy, though, so you can get.

[Adam Carolla]

And the good news is I'm going to end up eating 1.7 slices of key lime pie and half a tiramisu, whereas 10 minutes ago, I was watching my weight and didn't want the one.

[Allison Rosen]

It's because of the competition. It's like a bunch of dogs around a bowl.

[Steve Hofstadter]

It even happens, though, when they don't order for the table, if you're just out with someone else and they want to get dessert. And then you're left there being like, oh, I don't. I just gotta watch you.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta watch you eat fucking dessert. Yeah.

[Steve Hofstadter]

So I guess I gotta get something too now.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta take your dessert into the bathroom and eat it. Yeah, that's the new rule. That's a new world order. What percentage of people announce no dessert for me? And then when the big wig at the end of the table goes, let's just get a key lime pie and some tiramisu for the table. Do not participate at all. I want to meet that fucking steely eyed motherfucker.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I'm not good at math. But none of them.

[Adam Carolla]

None. Zero. All right, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's an important question. Lemon meringue or key lime?

[Adam Carolla]

Key lime.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to lemon meringue.

[Adam Carolla]

Lemon meringue. Old school. Old school. Key lime's nice. It's a little aggressive. I like the lemon meringue. And meringue is a weird substance. It's right up there with balsam and nougat. I'd like to get nougat, balsam and meringue together. Just all sit around and go, isn't this cool? Everyone loves us. No one knows what we are.

[David Damaschek]

No one knows where we come from.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I know you meant a pie that.

[Adam Carolla]

Was a little bit just chilling.

[Allison Rosen]

It's an amorphous idea of what it would even look like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like balsam. I love you. Everyone loves you. We don't even know what you are.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it a pulpy wood?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Can we pitch a cartoon?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nougat. No one knows what nougat is. We're all in love with nougat and meringue. We see it once a year. Maybe we're all loving it.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Hold on.

[David Damaschek]

That's my buddy Brittle.

[Steve Hofstadter]

What's up, Brittle?

[Adam Carolla]

Brittle. Talking about you. Yeah. Nobody knows what any of these things really are. Nobody ever seen. Oh, you're going to the store, bring back some meringue.

[Allison Rosen]

And would you bring it back by the pound or the number three or half a pound of.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to use trash bags to transport meringue. No one's ever separately had meringue, balsam, or nougat. But yet it makes everything better. And count me in if it's going to be on top of my head or in my mouth or in my candy bar.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Like it's the table salt of dessert and. Or home improvement.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, thank you. The more you know. All right, so key lime and we're. I had the lemon Meringue over Thanksgiving. And perfect.

[David Damaschek]

Wonderful. Especially if the top is just toasted a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Toasted just a little. And coming full circle. It's one of the last things that people have not decided to fucking breathe on. In modern meaning, oatmeal cookies are now showing up with pieces of cranberry in them, which is fucking up oatmeal cookies. We all know my feelings on tea and everything else. What? They've chutnetized my cranberry sauce and everything. Lemon meringue pie is lemon fucking meringue pie.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. There's no variation.

[Adam Carolla]

No one ever went, like, I put golden raisins in my. Nope, it's lemon fucking meringue. And. And that is it. I've never seen anyone touch it or attempt to get near it with something else.

[David Damaschek]

The only minor modification I've ever seen has actually improved it, which is the graham cracker crust. But that's not the pie itself. That's the, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Yeah, that's just a cookie with your pie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, let's do one more.

[Allison Rosen]

Westboro Baptist will picket Paul Walker's funeral.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. We're going to get the toxicology report from Paul Walker and, you know, beginning of March, and we're gonna be like, who is it?

[Steve Hofstadter]

Are they picketing it? Because the films are somewhat homoerotic at times, I think.

[Allison Rosen]

Apparently he taught a nation to be fast and furious. Here's their tweet. Yes, we rejoice when we see God's judgments. And then Glasgow helicopter. Paul Walker and hashtag New York's NYCTrain derailment. We wash our feet in their blood.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Psalm 58, 10.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I was with him until that wash their feet thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Now he's just over the top. I wash my hands when they wash your feet.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's another one. The Furious God cut off Paul Walker. Thank God for his condign wrath. WBC to picket funeral. But they're awful. But predictably awful at this point. It's hard to be so bent out of shape when they do the same thing every fucking time.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Has anyone ever picketed one of their funerals?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I feel like we've done Paul Walker and Vin Diesel did, ironically, just several months ago, so. Well, that's why. I mean, I rarely agree with these people.

[David Damaschek]

Can't dish it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for the goose, you know, it's good for the game. I don't think my kids are going to be saying that. Well, they're pro wrestlers, right? Like in the sense.

[Allison Rosen]

How are they really? Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, the iron sheet. Oh, he's wiping his ass with the American flag. No, no, it's like they're pro wrestling branch of the religious sex. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean performance artists.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they know what they're doing. They're picking whoever and they're making us.

[David Damaschek]

They're going to top her up with the ring bell on him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And now obviously his funeral is going to be out here. So this gonna. I don't feel like there is mobile.

[David Damaschek]

I don't think I travel really.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Are they just gonna pick it during his funeral but like in front of a local Walmart?

[Adam Carolla]

Hopefully they'll find someone else who died in the neighborhood.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Another guy named Paul Walker. It's a pretty common name.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty common name. Yeah. This is Paul Jaywalker.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They'll just go to a cemetery and just walk through till they find a headstone that says Walker. You're the one we're looking for.

[Adam Carolla]

Is Shirley Phelps still around? Around. We used to talk to her on the radio. She sat for us and she would sing with her daughter. But in a weird way, I suppose in a sad way, it does mean you've arrived on the way out. Sure. You know what I mean? I mean when the Westboro Baptist Church is going to picket your funeral, that is sort of ultimate parting gift.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I've had the thought while driving in the middle of nowhere to end gig of just if I were to die right now in a car crash, what page would it be on of their local paper? Like would this be big enough? Is it a small enough town? Have I achieved enough notoriety in this town to get past a regular obit? So for it to be picketed by Westboro, I mean, that's cover page.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't somebody do the gay flag on their house like across the street?

[David Damaschek]

Yeah, they bought a house across the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Damaschek]

And put a big gay flag or something.

[Steve Hofstadter]

How expensive must that real estate have been right across the street?

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, it didn't work because the Westboro guys were like goddamn Rastafarians. Look at them. So proud.

[David Damaschek]

Long haired hippies.

[Adam Carolla]

So proud. Go back to your island. Yeah, yeah, really see. Fucking Partridge Family bus.

[Steve Hofstadter]

I would have thought Westboro liked people who were furious. They seem pretty furious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're fast. They're furious. Yeah, they still got the furious.

[Steve Hofstadter]

They definitely got furious fast. Not so much.

[Adam Carolla]

They're slow, by the way, in terms of. I remember going to the LA auto show. I would go every year and I must have went like 2002. Let's see what are we on? Whatever. The first year of Fast and Furious and they had all the cars that were in the movie and understand what Fast and Furious sounded like and looked like before it was what it was. I remember it had a bunch of people in it that you'd never seen before. A bunch of goofy cars.

[David Damaschek]

You were kind of aware of Vin Diesel, but the rest of them, you're like, is that the quarterback?

[Adam Carolla]

I just remember. And it was, yes. I remember just standing there looking at all the cars down in the basement of the LA Convention center going, well, this is going to be one and done. This is a. I mean, how can this. I know we lame, but I just remember Fast and Furious. It's weird how names. That was a bad name at one point.

[Allison Rosen]

It was bad till Too Fast Too Furious came along to make it seem good.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. And I just remember staring at the cars going, well, this is never going to work. I'm sure they're going to lose. I'm sure the producers are going to just fucking be cleaned out by this. They probably put a bunch of dough into this and it's going to bomb at the box office. And that's why I do a podcast. Let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenzipit Kunst.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, go to meeting, baby. You can't plan all your meetings. Sometimes I gotta be spontaneous. People are spread out. They're on vacation, man. They're all over at the Westboro Church over there. Hanging out here at the Jolly Roger across the street there. Just chilling with those dudes.

[David Damaschek]

On vacation.

[Adam Carolla]

On vacation, spread around. Could be on some island somewhere. You got to get the team together. You got an idea, inspiration, a struck. You want to get them together, go to meeting, share screens. You can work together on documents, spreadsheets, projects in real time. Use the webcam. Have an HR video conference. Start attending a go to meeting from any Mac, PC, whatever you want, smartphone, tablet. Start hosting meetings in seconds from your computer, your mobile device. Sign up for free. That's right, a 30 day free trial. No credit card required. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code Adam. GoToMeeting.com promo code Adam. Meeting is believing. All righty then.

[Allison Rosen]

What if a blowjob was butt sex?

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta wrap it up now, Alison. I want to thank Dave Damaschek for coming out his web show, the Sheck Report. You can check out his podcast. Dave Damaschek football program on itunes. Steve Hofstadter. Steve can be found on his podcast as well. High confidence, low self. New episodes available every Tuesday on itunes and website. Steve Hofstadter. Three T's in there.com is where you go. Ah, that's right. Hooters available. I should say Mangria available at the Hooters in Santa Monica. It's on tap over there, so get it while the getting's good, baby. Steve, thank you so much for coming out.

[Steve Hofstadter]

My pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

And supporting Road Hard and all the other endeavors.

[Steve Hofstadter]

Glad to be part of the pirate show.

[Adam Carolla]

Glad to have you aboard McMaty. So until next time, this is Adam for Dave and Steve and Allison and Bald. Say it. Mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

This thing came out of a chicken's butt. I want to put it inside me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Coletro, 1220. That does it for this weekend's Corolla Classics. Until next weekend, mahalo and get it on.

[Allison Rosen]

J.