Greg Fitzsimmons + David Alan Grier (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Greg Fitzsimmons + David Alan Grier (Carolla Classics) Release Date: February 15, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Carolla Classics, Adam Carolla revisits some of the most memorable moments from previous episodes, featuring a mix of recurring guests like Brian Bishop, Michael Madsen, Kyle Kanane, Greg Fitzsimmons, Gina Grad, and Allison Rosen. The episode delves into a range of provocative and humorous topics, blending dark humor with candid discussions.

1. Marooning Sex Offenders on Santa Rosa Island

Timestamp: 01:13 – 04:31

The discussion kicks off with a controversial topic about California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes and his proposal to create an island sanctuary for convicted sex offenders on Santa Rosa Island. Brian Bishop humorously critiques the idea:

• Brian Bishop (01:13): "But Serge Poles was my gay foreign name. Sergeant Serge Poles, power bottom extraordinaire. Oh no, that's right."

The hosts debate the feasibility and ethics of such proposals, blending satire with unsettling humor.

2. Personal Anecdotes on Sexual Offenses

Timestamp: 04:38 – 07:18

Brian and Michael share personal stories related to encounters with sex offenders, offering a grim yet humorous perspective:

• Brian Bishop (03:04): "Most sex offenders don't have one victim. Mostly they have multiple victims."
• Michael Madsen (05:51): "I was so excited to get the candy. And then I said, you know what? I'm just gonna take my Reese's and go."

These anecdotes provide a raw and candid look at sensitive issues, handled with the show's signature irreverence.

3. Introducing Kyle Kanane: Crosswalk Flags in Kirkland

Timestamp: 07:21 – 09:36

Kyle Kanane joins the conversation, bringing his comedic flair to the discussion about unique crosswalk flags in Kirkland, Washington:

• Kyle Kanane (08:11): "They literally have yellow flags that you wave as you cross the street."

Giovanni Strasser narrates how Adam Carolla turned this local oddity into a hilarious comedic bit, highlighting the show's knack for finding humor in everyday situations.

4. Fireworks Dangers: Personal Experiences

Timestamp: 09:36 – 20:58

The hosts delve into the dangers associated with fireworks, sharing personal mishaps and exaggerated scenarios:

• Brian Bishop (17:08): "If we took an M200 and we twisted the fuses together... someone loses an eye. That's what happens."

Michael and Kyle contribute stories that blend humor with a cautionary tone about the unpredictability of fireworks.

5. Funeral Stories: Eating Faces and Afterlife

Timestamp: 20:58 – 33:04

A darkly humorous segment explores bizarre funeral narratives and afterlife scenarios, including a fictional account of a man obsessed with eating faces:

• Adam Carolla (22:42): "He was heartless. He seemed like someone who would eat the face off a man and leave the goatee."

The conversation transitions into philosophical musings on heaven and judgment, all wrapped in the show's typical comedic style.

6. 1970s Songs and Pedophilia Themes

Timestamp: 34:26 – 50:31

The hosts critique and satirize 1970s music, pointing out problematic lyrics that imply or directly reference pedophilia and sexual assault:

• Brian Bishop (37:38): "This was like a pedophile anthem."
• Gina Grad (42:29): "70 is a great time to be a pedophile and a sociopath."

They dissect famous songs, highlighting how certain themes were normalized in past decades, juxtaposing them with modern sensibilities.

7. Revenge Porn Case

Timestamp: 50:38 – 55:38

Allison Rosen presents a news segment on the conviction of Christopher Bolert for operating a revenge porn website:

• Allison Rosen (52:36): "He ran the website yougotposted.com where users could anonymously post nude photos without consent."

The hosts mock the severity of the punishment relative to the nature of the crimes, blending satire with commentary on internet privacy and cybercrimes.

8. Embarrassing Stories with Greg Fitzsimmons and Others

Timestamp: 55:38 – End

Greg Fitzsimmons joins the panel to share embarrassing on-air stories, adding a light-hearted end to the episode:

• Greg Fitzsimmons (58:14): "Guys all like to shave their balls. I say, yeah, she likes how it feels the first night. Four nights later, it feels like you're spanking in there in taint with a cactus."

The segment features playful banter about personal grooming habits and humorous takes on everyday mishaps, showcasing the camaraderie among the hosts.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show exemplifies the show's ability to tackle controversial and sensitive topics with a blend of dark humor and candid conversation. From dissecting political proposals and controversial songs to sharing personal anecdotes and satirical news segments, the hosts provide an unfiltered and engaging listening experience. The inclusion of various guests like Greg Fitzsimmons and Kyle Kanane adds depth and diversity to the discussions, making it a standout episode in the Carolla Classics series.

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Notable Quotes:

• Brian Bishop (01:13): "But Serge Poles was my gay foreign name. Sergeant Serge Poles, power bottom extraordinaire. Oh no, that's right."

• Brian Bishop (03:04): "Most sex offenders don't have one victim. Mostly they have multiple victims."

• Kyle Kanane (08:11): "They literally have yellow flags that you wave as you cross the street."

• Brian Bishop (17:08): "If we took an M200 and we twisted the fuses together... someone loses an eye. That's what happens."

• Adam Carolla (22:42): "He was heartless. He seemed like someone who would eat the face off a man and leave the goatee."

• Brian Bishop (37:38): "This was like a pedophile anthem."

• Allison Rosen (52:36): "He ran the website yougotposted.com where users could anonymously post nude photos without consent."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (58:14): "Guys all like to shave their balls. I say, yeah, she likes how it feels the first night. Four nights later, it feels like you're spanking in there in taint with a cactus."

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Note: This summary aims to reflect the content and tone of the episode accurately. Listener discretion is advised due to the sensitive and provocative nature of some topics discussed.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Get the Angel REEF Special at McDonald's. Now let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink.

[Brian Bishop]

Sound good?

[Adam Carolla]

Ba da ba ba ba.

[Teresa Strasser]

I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cola Classics. Hi guys, I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack, along with the ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show and the new podcast Beat it Out, currently featuring Adam and jay moore. That's adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics atomcarolla.com alright, onto the clips. Coming first we have Adam Carollo show 332 featuring Kyle Kanane, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop from 2010. This, this is the final episode before the show officially switched formats back to the Kayla Sex Adam Crawler morning show format that has a much different structure than this type of episode. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Michael Madsen]

Well, you have done a lot of talking about pedophile.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I have.

[Michael Madsen]

And now it looks like what was once just a movie pitch and a dream could become a reality.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you. Steven J. Cannell. First the 18, now this.

[Michael Madsen]

California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes has made quite a name for himself in recent weeks. Not so much by surging ahead in the polls, this according to AOL News.

[Brian Bishop]

But rather Serge Poles was my gay foreign name. Sergeant Serge Poles, power bottom extraordinaire. Oh no, that's right.

[Michael Madsen]

This candidate has promised that if elected, he will create Serge and polls. It would be like a political porn. Maybe this guy is promising to create a pedophile island for convicted sex offenders. Yeah, this is no joke. He's got an island picked out. It's Santa Rosa island in the Channel Islands national park off the coast of Southern California.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, we're not doing anything with those islands. And it's good, good sport fishing if you're into it.

[Michael Madsen]

He thinks it's a nice place to maroon convicted sex offenders.

[Giovanni]

Maroon?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, what cats are. Yeah, I saw that Tom Hanks movie. What? You know, it sounds insane. Well, maybe we're coming full circle because, you know, in the turn of the century and before then they would have Devil's island, you know, and they would take Prisoners. And they'd go, look, we don't want you in our society anymore. And, you know, some people look at it as this, you know, draconian step backwards. But really, if you think about it, we can't have you amongst us because you're diseased in a way that can't be fixed and pose a wild threat to the most innocent people in society.

[Michael Madsen]

Most sex offenders don't have one victim. Mostly they have multiple victims.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me. I don't know. I don't know what the under under is. I don't want the on top of under is. But I would say it would be somewhere in the low 20s, mid teens. Like, I mean, it's not the over under on the average victims that a priest or any other kind of sex offender has. It's not two and a half.

[Michael Madsen]

Oh, no. @ least there was a guy in my neighborhood where I grew up that ran a hardware store. And he was there for 20 years molesting kids.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Michael Madsen]

That was probably 10 kids a year.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep. I used to get. I used to. I used to buy tools from McFeely's.

[Michael Madsen]

I swear to God, I'm not kidding. The name of the hardware store. Tuggies.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, stop.

[Michael Madsen]

In Noe Valley.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, the point. The point. Stop it.

[Michael Madsen]

The man did not molest me.

[Brian Bishop]

These guys don't stop. This is what they do.

[Michael Madsen]

No, they're. Well, this gubernatorial candidate is making the point. He's saying, quote, it's like any alcoholic, sex or drug addict have it around you and it's just a matter of time before you do it again. And look, you can register, but, you know, they don't really police that registration very carefully. So if you move, it might take you a few weeks to re. Register loosely enforce. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, all right, listen, I'm for it. And by the way, let's spread this out to other, you know, carjackers island or whatever. Oh, you know, let's just spread it out.

[Michael Madsen]

I. I agree. Their big story today in the paper.

[Brian Bishop]

They're still useful.

[Michael Madsen]

Oh, my God. Can I.

[Brian Bishop]

There's Teresa crying.

[Michael Madsen]

I am not kidding when I tell you that the guy who owns. Okay, this dude, he had a bowl of candy down in the basement. And it wasn't fun sized candy. He had regular sized candy. Now, think of us when we were kids.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, The.

[Michael Madsen]

The value of an irregular size. Reese's.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, two full Reese's.

[Michael Madsen]

Two full Reese's, not little nickel ones. And he had a huge bowl. But the thing was, it was down, so he had to go down the.

[Brian Bishop]

Stairs and do those creepy homemade creaky stairs that they have at a hardware store.

[Michael Madsen]

It's dimly lit. And then he go to. And then he gives you the big wooden bowl and he says, you can pick one out now. This is the experience I had. So I'm so excited to get the candy. And then I'm sitting in my little. Like, I remember this. You don't forget not being molested by the Ivan Dougies.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a heart shaped well, like Buffalo Bill.

[Michael Madsen]

I'm in my green knee socks and a little flower pot and a box. No one knows where I am because I'm a latchkey kid.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure, right?

[Michael Madsen]

I mean, my mom's not gonna be home for four hours.

[Brian Bishop]

You're the perfect victim. I really was. Loves candy. Latchkey K. Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Probably low self esteem, but I was kind of savvy because I've been taking the Greyhound and flying by myself at that point for many years. So I. Oh, my God. Haystack Pizza. Oh, my God. 647-1929415.

[Brian Bishop]

That's their phone number next to tugging.

[Michael Madsen]

6471929. Haystack. Yeah. Best pizza ever. So I'm sitting on the stair and he says, can I take your picture? And he pulls out a Polaroid and he says that, you know, it's a picture to give your mom. And then he says, would you mind just pulling up your skirt a little for the picture? And that's when I said, you know what? I'm just gonna take my Reese's and go. And I never told anybody about it. And then later, when he was taken. Oh, that's my old neighborhood. When he was. I felt so guilty, like I should have said something. But I was maybe eight at the time. Seven or eight.

[Brian Bishop]

I would have felt guilty that I got a free candy bar. They could get my hand down. That's how I was raised.

[Michael Madsen]

Other kids. I mean, I didn't know. I just. I knew I. I knew something felt off.

[Brian Bishop]

Not a fun size, but for like a full size Snickers, I would have been walking down to that basement and if somebody had stopped me and said, you know, you're gonna get cornholed savagely. You understand? I get to keep the Snickers bar.

[Michael Madsen]

There was Snickers in the bowl also full size. You could pick one of anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I would have taken it. Hey, Mr. Tugby Mustard.

[Michael Madsen]

Mr. Tuggies. Oh, God.

[Brian Bishop]

Should we bring. Now. Kyle Kanane, comedian, by the way, who's been on the show before, is out there. I think we should bring him in and do the news with Kyle.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, I would love that.

[Brian Bishop]

How about that?

[Michael Madsen]

He's been here before. He's very funny. I want to say he opens for Patton Oswald. Do I have that right?

[Brian Bishop]

You have to ask him.

[Michael Madsen]

I'll have to ask him.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on in, Kyle. Good. Good to see you.

[Kyle Kanane]

How's it going, guys?

[Brian Bishop]

Good.

[Michael Madsen]

Kyle, you do you open for Patton Oswald?

[Kyle Kanane]

I do here and there, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. And let me tell you something. I just got back from Kirkland, and they give you a yellow flag that you hold up and wave over your hand across, and then you put it back into. Then you put it back, uh, oh, my daughter's here. Then you put it back into the container on the other side of the street, which would never work here because we'd just be raping each other with a stick. But the point is, is they literally have yellow flags that you wave as you cross the street, and then when you get the other site, you put it back into what looks like an umbrella hole in the city. That's what they have. This was in Kirkland, Washington. It's genius. Yeah. I mean, just outside of Seattle. 18 minutes.

[Kyle Kanane]

All right.

[Giovanni]

It was Adam Kurillo show. 332 crosswalk flags. Hilariously, we were in Kirkland, Washington, my hometown, when Adam came up with that bit based on his reaction to seeing crosswalk flags at a key intersection in downtown Kirkland. Bizarrely, great magnet level. Bizarrely. I had been run over in Kirkland, Washington, as a boy several times, none of which were reported or anything was done about them, with only the eyewitnesses being the ones who witnessed what happened. So it must have been such an extreme problem with children and people being run over in downtown Kirkland. They not only had to have light up crosswalks, they had to add crosswalk flags to the mix, which led to Adam Kroll's hilarious bit. Adam and Mike August hung out at Peter Kirk park that morning. Well, after Donnie had to rush back to a wedding, I was preparing the next three live shows for the Godfather's pizza turned last comedy club with a marathon, six shows back to back. Three the first night, three the second night. I shadowed the first three and really kind of co ran things with Donnie, and I did everything by myself for the next three. They were literally hanging out in my old neighborhood doing cool shit, setting up the board and board myself, doing the boring stuff. But hilariously, Adam saw the crosswalk flags and then put two and two together and create an entire bit about people being Run over in downtown Kirkland. And Superman, Giovanni has been run over in downtown Kirkland multiple times. Great bit. Coming up next, we have adam Krolo show 836. Michael Madsen, Christian Madsen, his son Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2012. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Brian Bishop]

You want to talk about crashing to me, I guess I am rich, white guy, fun. Phil Rosenthal invited me over because he said he got a house out there for the summer, like one of those colony houses. This is a summer house. Summer. This is a summer house. Yeah, that's how he sounds. You. And he's got. He's the Jewish man alive. And they're putting on a fireworks display, which means you got a barge. Like. Like, I think all the rich people go in on the barge. How does that work? Are you.

[Kyle Kanane]

Do you see the fireworks every year? Usually somebody buys the barge. It costs 100 grand for the barge. The first couple years it was out there. I know that it was. Danny DeVito was dropping the dime for that thing.

[Brian Bishop]

He bought the barge. Well, half a seat bought a barge.

[Kyle Kanane]

You rent the barge. You rent the barge, and it costs, like, a lot of money to put the fireworks on it. And. And they send it out. It's about a mile offshore, and everybody on Broad beach and all of Malibu can get a great fireworks show. And I heard that Mel Gibson did it one year. And. But being like, they kind of. I think Whoopi Goldberg did it one time. Did she drop the money for 100 grand?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, wouldn't you? Kind of.

[Kyle Kanane]

Oh, geez.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I'd send one of my lackeys with a basket to, like, walk up and down the beach, you know. Hey, come on now, 20 bucks here. A little tithing. Are you enjoying it or not? I see you looking up, Dick. You and your kids look like you're having a good time over there.

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah, I'm good friends with Nick Nolte, and he usually comes by my house with a great big roll of firecrackers. And I used to get stuff from American Soldier magazine or Soldier of Fortune magazine. They used to ups me fireworks. But, you know, now after 9, 11, I can't get them anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

So. Hold on. I want to get into this for a second.

[Kyle Kanane]

Rockets and all kind of good stuff first. You can't do them anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you and Nick Nolte have some sort of gravelly voice off.

[Kyle Kanane]

Jesus Christ, Manson. Hey, I brought some firecrackers over here.

[Brian Bishop]

God damn it.

[Kyle Kanane]

If I want to set them off, whether you like it or not. God damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, you Want to eat another cigarette?

[Kyle Kanane]

Give me a Marlboro. Yeah, I need another one.

[Brian Bishop]

I made a. I made a smoothie out of gravel. Chewing it back on gravel, actually, in.

[Kyle Kanane]

Paris one time, and he usually comes around the Fourth of July.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah. My wife calls me. She goes, michael. She goes, nick is here. And I said, well, honey, you know, I'm not home. I'm in Paris, for Christ's sake. And she goes, I know, but, you know, he just came over, like, he does. He'll just show up. And so I said, put him on the phone. He's like, hey, Madsen, where the hell are you? What the fuck are you doing? I heard you're over in Paris. And I was, yeah, I'm in Paris, Nick. He goes, oh, well, you'd mind if I hang around for a while? And I said, well, all right, Nick, if you'd like to. And so my wife gets back on the phone, and she goes, you know, he's sitting outside and he's wearing a dress.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Kyle Kanane]

And I said, a dress? He goes, oh, no, it's not really a dress. It's like one of those wraparound things. And I said, put him back on the phone. So he's like, yeah. And I go, what the fuck? I said, what are you wearing something strange? He goes, no, no, no. I got these in India, and I'm gonna leave one for you. They're really great. You know, they're very comfortable, and I'll leave a few for you. And I said, okay, Nick, whatever. And my wife, she calls back, like, four hours later, and I says, is Nick still there? And she goes, yes, he's still here.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow. Yeah. How do you show Nick Nolte the door? That's a problem that most people aren't blessed with.

[Kyle Kanane]

He's a wonderful guy, so very good friend.

[Brian Bishop]

We're going to be looking at the same fireworks. But honestly. And there's a lot of folks that live in. In the colonies there, and, you know, 100 grand, even for rich guys, that's pretty big nut there.

[Kyle Kanane]

That's a piece of change.

[Brian Bishop]

But if you got 20 guys all to cough up five grand, I feel like that's more doable.

[Kyle Kanane]

That would make more sense. Usually one person claims a credit for it every year, and you just hear this chatter on the beach of, who paid for the barge this year?

[Adam Carolla]

Do people who pay for it then adopt a new I paid for the barge attitude?

[Brian Bishop]

I would.

[Kyle Kanane]

It gets a lot of, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So you'll be. So you're right in there, right off a PCH over there.

[Kyle Kanane]

I used to be right on the sand, right next to Steve McQueen where he used to live once upon a time.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure. Now, what goes on? What goes on? The fourth of July over the Madsen house. They're gonna barbecue party.

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah. Well, I have five sons, one stepson, so I'd like to include him in the scenario.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Only one actor?

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah, well, there's two now. Yeah, sadly. But I, you know. But he's read every book that I can think of about acting. He's seen every film that I've ever told him was worth watching. He auditioned for the Actor Studio. He's really done his homework and he's really. I'm very proud of him.

[Brian Bishop]

What films, what films are worth watching if you want to be an actor and you want to look at a performance?

[Kyle Kanane]

One Night Jacks, directed by Marlon Brando. It's a western with Carl Malden. And you tell him, Christian, what you see.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean. Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

You like Last Tango, don't you?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, I like Marlon Brando a lot.

[Kyle Kanane]

Studied James Dean quite a bit.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay. No, all the classic stuff. I really like Straight Talk. Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

They'Re real.

[Brian Bishop]

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[Teresa Strasser]

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[Brian Bishop]

So, so now when you said going back to Soldier of Fortune magazine for just a second in the carefree days pre 9 11, when you could order munitions and not get onto anyone's radar, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Before the laughter died.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. What did you do? Like when you're looking through Soldier Fortune and you know that back where you're going through the mercenary section and you get to the small, small arms and then the medium sized munitions stuff, what kind of stuff could you order that you could fire off from your beach in Malibu back in the day you.

[Kyle Kanane]

Could get big rockets, you know, rockets mounted on a stick. They're about this big, you know, the rocket was about that big.

[Brian Bishop]

Around about two, three inches. Around a stick that was. Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

You know, three feet long.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Like. Like big bottle rocket.

[Kyle Kanane]

And you can get M80s.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

Cherry bombs.

[Brian Bishop]

That's good.

[Kyle Kanane]

Silver salutes.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you ever. Lots of bricks of firecracker ever go down to Baja? Yeah, because Every day's the 4th of July over there. We used it. We used to go to Baja and we'd get those. You've not seen bottle rockets until you've seen ones that couldn't fit into a bottle.

[Kyle Kanane]

These are cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Mickey's big mouth bottle rockets. Like, I mean, they're on mop handles, like big handles.

[Kyle Kanane]

You can hold them by the stick actually and light it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

And you just wait for the damn thing to go off and just hurl it, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

That's the best way to do them.

[Brian Bishop]

So now you aim it and you can twist the fuses together. You put it. You duct tape like AN M. I put 80 to it.

[Kyle Kanane]

Put them in a great big water bottle, a great big arrowhead bottle. So you could light like three or four fuses at one time. All twisted together. They all go off up in the air.

[Brian Bishop]

And this is back before the man was up your ass, right. Do what you want. Now some ass white neighbor calls a fuzz and they're over and they're giving you some sort of citation. Right.

[Kyle Kanane]

Malibu has changed.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it used to be a little. Little lawless over there, Right.

[Kyle Kanane]

I had Steve McQueen's 12 gauge shotgun that he used in a picture of the getaway. His son Chad gave it to me for a birthday present one year. And we used to. Every Fourth of July we'd go down to Chad's and we'd load that thing up with Double up buck and fire it off on the beach. Which was pretty cool. But you can't do that anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever had a friend who's lost an eye or experienced temporary blindness or anything like that? Because I'm the person when everyone's having fun doing this and saying, oh, this is so cool. You have to see this. I'm hiding inside. And being just real. A real ball of fun.

[Kyle Kanane]

I've heard about that Debbie Donner, but.

[Adam Carolla]

For a wet blanket. But.

[Kyle Kanane]

Well, I have a lot of sympathy for anything bad that's ever happened to anyone. And God bless, you know, I've never had that happen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Maybe my fears are probably unfounded.

[Brian Bishop]

Let me say this. Here's what happens. I'm telling you why fireworks are dangerous. They're only dangerous because you get bored quickly and you have to up the ante all the time. The first move is I'm gonna put it in the sparklets bottle. I'm gonna light it with one of those extendo lighter things, and then we're all gonna run. And then pretty soon you get to. I'm gonna light it off my cigarette.

[Kyle Kanane]

I'm gonna hold it in my hand.

[Brian Bishop]

While I'm holding a beer, and I'm gonna let. I'm gonna make sure that the fuse gets down low enough so that when I chuck it, it'll go off in its zenith and it's not gonna go. And so you find yourself going. You quickly get bored with just the lighting in the bottle, the safe distance and hiding behind the log. And you quickly get into. If we took an M200 and we twisted the fuses together, and then I held it and threw it at that dude on the three wheeler over there, that would be awesome. And that's what it goes. That's. And then someone loses an eye. That's what happens.

[Kyle Kanane]

Frenzy at the very end where you think you're running out, you want the grand finale. And it's just. There any left? There's no rockets left.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Kyle Kanane]

Someone's always like secretly stashed one in their pocket. I have one. That person gets tackled.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Good times. All right, why don't you get the news queued up? I'm gonna give a little love to one of our sponsors, Evoice. You gotta get this. Evoice. Oh boy. You know, should be doing the outgoing messages for Evoice. Michael Manson as Nick Nolte. That's what I would enjoy. What would Nick Nolte's answering machine sound like?

[Kyle Kanane]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Who the hell calling me? Jesus Christ. Leave a message, for Christ's sake.

[Brian Bishop]

Professionally recorded, customized readings.

[Giovanni]

I'm not sure if I got Nolte's phone or not.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that Nick?

[Kyle Kanane]

Is that Nick?

[Brian Bishop]

Voicemails are transcribed into easy to read emails or text dies, which is nice. No more listening to the long winded messages. Does Nick Nolte ever leave you a long winded message?

[Kyle Kanane]

Michael, you know, he's not real good on the phone. He doesn't really call you back. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

What would it sound like if he was calling you about one of his. One of his dresses or it was a sarong?

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah, I couldn't think of that word. Thank God.

[Brian Bishop]

Always think wrong. It's got the word wrong in it. That's where you start.

[Kyle Kanane]

It was a sarong. Yeah. Not a dress.

[Brian Bishop]

Think. So wrong. That is so wrong on a dude. And then you'll have it. You'll be almost there.

[Kyle Kanane]

Yeah. He's not real good about calling back. He'll just kind of show up. What?

[Brian Bishop]

I would suppose. I'd think Nick Nolte would be right on that.

[Kyle Kanane]

No, he just shows up.

[Brian Bishop]

Not the Nick I know.

[Kyle Kanane]

Open the door and he'll be standing there.

[Brian Bishop]

Call me back when he gets you. Oh. Oh, you're on the other line. There you are. That's right.

[Gina Grad]

Click.

[Brian Bishop]

Call me back. That fast?

[Kyle Kanane]

I wish it was like that.

[Brian Bishop]

The evoice [e-mail] or go to www.evoice.com adam and sign up for months. Six months free. What would his outgoing message sound like? One more time. Michael, come on. You're an athlete.

[Kyle Kanane]

Jesus Christ. What am I gonna say? Is this thing on? Holy shit. If you hear me, leave a message.

[Brian Bishop]

Six months free. Www.evoice.com Adam. All right, should we do a little news? You guys hang out. We'll make fun of things that happen in the news. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

So the face eater's mother has come forward. Even the man who would eat another homeless man. Well, he wasn't homeless. A man who would eat a homeless man's face has a mother who loves her son.

[Brian Bishop]

Why do they have. Why do they stand by them this way?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's surprised by what happened, and she says he was a good kid. I mean, clearly.

[Kyle Kanane]

Why do they always say that about people that do horrible things?

[Brian Bishop]

I know.

[Kyle Kanane]

He was a really nice guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

He was such a nice person.

[Adam Carolla]

He was heartless. He seemed like someone who would eat the face off a man and leave the goatee.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he kept to himself when he wasn't dismantling gay prostitutes, like, all right, well, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

He was nice enough, but he was always talking about eating faces.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sure Hitler had some quiet time as well.

[Adam Carolla]

He loved his dog.

[Brian Bishop]

He loved his dog. He liked the paint. He was vegan. It was awesome.

[Kyle Kanane]

Why didn't they let him into art school?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, and by the way, you know, people that do bad things, like kill people or rob banks, they don't do it 24 7. No, they just kill a few people. It really doesn't even comprise the lion's share of their life.

[Kyle Kanane]

He was a nice man.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like saffron. Just a tiny bit. Goes a long way.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it goes a long way. Yeah. Or those weird things they stick into ham.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Clothes.

[Brian Bishop]

Cloves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

They go a long way.

[Adam Carolla]

They really do. Yeah. You don't want to overpower with the murder.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I'm sure John Wayne Gacy or the Green River Killer. They weren't killing 80% of their waking hours. It was probably just a sliver of their life.

[Adam Carolla]

Looks like this ain't show business. You know, all you 100 of your money comes from 20 of your work or something like that. That's how it is with murder.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So all you have to do is eat a face or two off of a homeless guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're. Yeah, exactly. It's really hard to go against type investment. So here's crazy I've ever heard what she says. He was a good kid. He gave me a nice card on Mother's Day.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, wow. Let's let him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone says he was a zombie. He was no zombie.

[Brian Bishop]

AT T Mobile, we'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only 25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest. It's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network.

[Teresa Strasser]

Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay. Up to $830 off each phone via 24 monthly bill credit plus taxes, fees and $10 device connection charge. 4 well qualified customers contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreement to bill credits and if you pay UP devices early ct mobile.com.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, they only have nice Mother's day cards. They're never like, you fat cunt. You did a horrible job with me. That's why I'm in this home.

[Kyle Kanane]

I love you, mom. You're only half a cunt.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. They don't have that right. They only have nice Mother's day cards.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate you so much I wouldn't even eat your face. There's none of that.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, tell dad I'm gay.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she said, I saw what happened.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't have those cards. They should have those cards. They don't have.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my Dad, I saw what happened on tv, and I started crying. And his girlfriend, he was living with a woman at the time.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

She said that what she saw in the video was nothing like the man she lived with because he loved God. He always read the Bible. He would give you knowledge on the Bible. Everywhere he went, his Bible went. When he left, he had his Bible in his hand. So that night, he left the house with his Bible. I think that wasn't him. That was his body, but it wasn't his spirit. Somebody did this to him.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, how does that work? He was possessed by a Rottweiler. I mean, like, what is that? That wasn't him. I like that. Sort of. I like that part. Like, that's not the Michael I know. Or that's not him or that whole bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? The one you knew wasn't the real one.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, tell that to the guy with no fucking face.

[Kyle Kanane]

Wasn't he on some kind of drug or something?

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they think, that they're saying basalts. But he's dead, so they don't actually know.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, anyway, who knew bath.

[Kyle Kanane]

Salts would make you do that?

[Brian Bishop]

And listen, I don't. Look, I'm no. I'm no padre, but it went at the eulogy. I don't want anyone doing that. He's gone off to a better place now because he's at the same place my grandma's at, and that means she could get her face eaten off. We got a call. Like, we see it. Look, if there's a heaven, guys that eat faces and get shot by the cops aren't in heaven. Right, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's interesting. Are you allowed to be a cannibal in the afterlife?

[Brian Bishop]

I just don't. I don't like any of that stuff where I'm at a funeral and it's like, he's in a better place now. And I'm always like, what? Why? What? First off, what about us? We gotta live in this hellhole? I should go drive off a cliff now.

[Kyle Kanane]

Maybe this is hell.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, let's call it a lateral move.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, what happens if you're in heaven and then you decide to become a dick? You get kicked out?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I think your grandfather did. But.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I mean, can you push it?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, if you just became a douchebag?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're all like, oh, my, doesn't stink. I'm in heaven now. I can do whatever I want.

[Kyle Kanane]

Well, first off, by the way, I don't like it here anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you feel. You feel like, you're in, like, somebody driving with diplomatic plates. You're like that parking meter. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You have heaven immunity.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. What are you gonna do, give me a ticket off eternal immunity? Oh, I like that. So basically, you fake it while you're on earth, and then we get in heaven. You've become a huge douchebag. That sounds like a Jim Carrey comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. Heaven can't wait.

[Kyle Kanane]

He needs a hit. I think that's a good idea. Tell me about that. That penguin thing didn't work for me.

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, he needs a hit. This is gonna be it. And then, you know, you fill it with a whole bunch of folks. Yeah. This is the theme song. Made up movies. And they have. They have Jim Carrey and he's in there and he's like. Like he's around with Abe Lincoln. And, you know, he gets behind Abe Lincoln. He makes a sound. Pow. And he, like, turns around. He gotcha. And then there's a huge douchebag. Totally. But then he, like, he falls in love. Now then what? Like Mother. He's with Mother Teresa. Like, he does say, hey, somebody got something on his shirt. Mother Teresa does that thing up her face. Fuck around with all these legendary folks. But then he's won over.

[Kyle Kanane]

He could meet the Face Eater. Meet the Face Eater and decide to kick him out.

[Brian Bishop]

From angel to a hole.

[Kyle Kanane]

You can't be here.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And then. Yeah. And there's this deity at a douchebag. There's this thing where God is talking to St. Peter. Like. Like. Like he's, you know, like the manager of a club is talking to a guy's working the door. Like, what the you doing letting that douchebag in here? And he was like. He was cool when he came in. I don't know what happened. This is good.

[Adam Carolla]

So it turns out the homeless man whose face was eaten had graduated from Stuyvesant, which is a really good high school. And so there's one thing about him. Another thing about him is that his family thought he had been dead for, like, 15 years. They didn't even know he was alive. So this is really good news. Bad news.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Surprise.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

Good news is we found it. Bad news is he.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought I'd never see his face again.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, the real tragedy. The real tragedy here is your side is Oprah being off the air. Because there was always that light at the end of the tunnel. Like, if you ever attacked by a chimpanzee or a crazy guy ate your face or you lost your legs to a commuter train. Or whatever horrible misfortune met you at some point. When the stitches were taken out, you healed up well enough to walk or get into a chair, whatever it was you. There's always Oprah out there. She was always out there. And you could go over there and get a Buick and a book deal and a cappuccino, and your wife would then have to tell it. I saw this poor kid was born with a vagina on his forehead. But there was always that thing where you had Oprah. There's no Oprah anymore. Now you can't fill in the void. Michael Manson's got to do a daytime show.

[Kyle Kanane]

I need a job. It's a good idea. I may start my own show. My first guess will be the guy with no face.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. I'm just saying there was always.

[Kyle Kanane]

Tell me what was it like while he was eating your face?

[Brian Bishop]

That's all. And then they.

[Kyle Kanane]

Are you angry at him?

[Brian Bishop]

He'd get a book deal.

[Kyle Kanane]

Will you forgive him?

[Brian Bishop]

There you go. Right?

[Kyle Kanane]

I forgive him.

[Brian Bishop]

Ask this question, too. You say you're a Christian, but don't you question your faith after something like this? That's a good question of faith. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Somehow they. By the way, the answer is like, fuck, yeah, by the way. Fuck. God, I'm done. Now I see your face eaten by. Dude, you've given up pretty quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever think you would find yourself in a situation where your face was being eaten? What was the first thought that went through your head?

[Brian Bishop]

I do like that thought. Yeah. Crazy guys devouring your face, and you're thinking, what's taking so long? Yeah, I like that. I like that question. Yeah. Obviously, you never thought that one was coming, by the way. If you did, you'd have your head inside a birdcage everywhere. Right.

[Kyle Kanane]

I seen the guy whose face got eaten by the chimp.

[Brian Bishop]

That was a chimp.

[Kyle Kanane]

He was on Oprah, wasn't he?

[Brian Bishop]

It was a sheep.

[Kyle Kanane]

He got his face. They ripped off his balls and buried the balls. No, the guy got attacked by his own chimp. They brought the chimp a birthday cake, and the two other chimps freaked out when they saw the cake. And they said, that's it, man. And they jumped out and they ate his face off and they ripped his nuts off.

[Brian Bishop]

That was. Yeah, they ripped his nuts off.

[Kyle Kanane]

Ate all his fingers.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

Off his hands.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that guy. And then the chick who got her face about.

[Kyle Kanane]

The process of doing that to someone was psychologically broken down to the fact that they ate his face so he wouldn't be attractive enough to reproduce anymore. They ate off his fingers so he couldn't defend himself. Then they ripped his nuts off and went and buried him in the forest so he couldn't reproduce.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because if they didn't bury them.

[Kyle Kanane]

Far away, he might right A systematic thing they did. You see, they really.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh yeah.

[Kyle Kanane]

Him up.

[Brian Bishop]

No, there's no markers of queens. Marquis of Queensberry over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart.

[Kyle Kanane]

I missed at T Mobile.

[Brian Bishop]

We'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only 25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest. It's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network.

[Teresa Strasser]

Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay. Up to 830 off each phone via 24 month email credit plus taxes, fees and 10 device connection charge 4 well, qualified customers contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreement to bill credits and if you pay off devices early ct mobile.com.

[Kyle Kanane]

I can't believe he did this.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they forgive the chimp human syndrome.

[Kyle Kanane]

Apparently his chimp never jumped out of the cage. Just sat there and let it happen.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, there was, there was a great. Let his friends do it. Well, so here's the point.

[Kyle Kanane]

I think the other two got fed up because he was getting so much attention when they saw that birthday cake. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The dude. Someone else has got some story. There was a dude who was attacked by chimp and then it was a attack by chimp and they both made it on Oprah. So it's like. Yeah, I'm just saying she was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you have to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Fall back, go to like if I was visiting someone in the hospital that had been devastated by a chimp or a guy with a Bible, I would have said, look, at least we got Oprah now. What? Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know because it was almost like a punchline, you know? What are you gonna do? Well, you can always write a book.

[Brian Bishop]

And go on Oprah right now. What? Ellen, Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hoda and Kathy.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, we'll go on the talk with those yentas. Whatever the show.

[Adam Carolla]

We wouldn't even let the homeless guy speak.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Lord, if he can, because I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't think he can.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Carlos Show 836 with Michael Madsen doing a little Nick Nolte coming up Next we have Adam Carla show 897. This is Dr. Drew bonus show six from 2012. It's when they were soft launching the Adam and Drew show before it existed. They would try out these episodes. And this is a really great riffet. I hope you guys enjoy.

[Brian Bishop]

There are certain things that, for instance, I always say this, like dogs, you know, before they lay down, they turn in a circle for a while and then they lay down and you're like, why are you doing that? Because you're on fucking Berber carpet and you're upstairs and there's central air and it's like, well, that's what their instincts are, you know, that's just what they do. And we understand that with all animals, domesticated animals, we've become domesticated.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. But we still do the circling.

[Brian Bishop]

We still. There's an element of us that wants to go out and do whatever we want to go out and do, but we've realized we've been domesticated. But there's this thing, and I think this is the new version of going out and humping and gathering. As I always like the kid, but the porn is. I'm going to go off into this next room. Now. It used to be I'm going to the wilderness. Now I'm going down the hall and I'm gonna look at somebody else fuck. And I'm gonna beat my meat. And that is my turning around before I lay down on the Berber carpet. That's the thing, you know what I'm saying? Like, that is my. That's as much as. Look and listen, ladies. If this is his version of being a lone wolf, you know, so be it. Give him a little of that space.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe a net positive too. Because if you really sort of look at where that impulse used to go, it would go to the whorehouses, it would go to the bars with town. They'd go act out. And what do they act out? They do aggressive things.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. Every third song was written about rambling. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Now they ramble on the Internet. They ramble out in the cyberspace.

[Brian Bishop]

I gotta move on. Yeah, yeah. And it was like physically moving on. I was just.

[Gina Grad]

I bet there's a lot less of weird s going on when guys travel.

[Brian Bishop]

I was just listening to the song. I don't know. We Made Love in my Chevy Van song. Such a horrible song. Speaking of the 70s. But the guy did this thing where it's like, made love in my Chevy van. And. And then he went and dropped her back off. And I basically picked up a Runaway fucked her and then dropped her back off in town. And it's basically sort of. And then there's this thing where it's like, next time he comes through town, maybe he'll fuck her again. It's kind of like. I love those songs. Like, I gotta be going. I got. I gotta fire up my Chevy van.

[Gina Grad]

This is on.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's another song. Sammy John's two first names.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, they would talk about these horrible, horrible behaviors as though they were.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, just listen. Let's pray the way. That's by the way, him putting a Quaalute in her. Mickey's big mouth. Yeah, yeah. Now you listen to the part of the song where he. He drops her off barefoot back in town. Like he'd raped her in the woods.

[Gina Grad]

This is the Chevy van.

[Brian Bishop]

This is it. I know. I'm with you. Yeah, that's why we're playing it.

[Gina Grad]

I thought maybe it was another one.

[Giovanni]

You made fun of.

[Brian Bishop]

She's like.

[Gina Grad]

This literally was like a pedophile anthem.

[Brian Bishop]

Ah, her long legs are tan and brown.

[Gina Grad]

Pedophile effing anthem.

[Brian Bishop]

He picked the chick up in his van, he took her to the woods and he raped her.

[Gina Grad]

That's exactly right.

[Brian Bishop]

Then he took her back to town. Just listen. Listen. When he drops her off barefoot and he's rambling, man.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, God.

[Brian Bishop]

I always like the before, during, and the after too. Where they go, we. We're gonna make love in my Chevy van. And then there's. There. We're making love in my Chevy van. And then we made love in my Chevy van. So it's a good part. You know? Got all the tenses in there.

[Gina Grad]

Creative.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. Now he talks about how small her town was. Put her out in a town. Literally pushed her out of the van. He put her out in the van. Now listen.

[Gina Grad]

Dirt road, Main street.

[Brian Bishop]

Bare feet. Yeah. I couldn't rape you again.

[Gina Grad]

It's a shame. I'll be around because I'm a criminal now I gotta ramble.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, let me tell you. When you get to your later teens, call me. I'll come back and rape you again. But I gotta ramble.

[Gina Grad]

It is so. But this is the s. I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

I. The line is, I put her out in a. In a town that was so small you could throw a rock from end to end. That's right. She was barefoot when she escaped from the van.

[Gina Grad]

He didn't put her out in the mud in the main street without pavement.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a shame. He won't be passing that way again. Like I said, when he does maybe give another raping.

[Gina Grad]

We wonder why things are unraveling now. That is where it started.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, man, that made love in the van.

[Gina Grad]

That was the stuff. That was when we were growing up. Was not just romantic. It was highly prized, valued.

[Brian Bishop]

Picked her up in his wagon. That's right. Dumped her off barefoot.

[Gina Grad]

Pedophilia.

[Brian Bishop]

He pushed her out.

[Gina Grad]

Pedophilia.

[Brian Bishop]

Did he stop the van. Is that part clear or did he shove her out of the van?

[Gina Grad]

Not clear.

[Brian Bishop]

Pushed her out of the van.

[Gina Grad]

Something about keeping your eyes on the road.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why they have those swiveling captain's chairs, by the way. So you gotta kick a 14 year old you raped by the lake out. You don't even have to fucking. You don't have to slow down. You just turn this chair out toward the window and just kick her ass right out.

[Gina Grad]

But this is. You're not using hypertrophy.

[Brian Bishop]

Probably threw her shoes out a mile down the road.

[Gina Grad]

No shoes. This is why it's not hyperbole about.

[Brian Bishop]

Raping a chick by a lake. What do you got? We made love in my Chevy van.

[Gina Grad]

I bet if you analyze 10% of the songs of the 70s, you'd find shit like this in there.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, they all had to do with She's a little bit too young, but I fucked her anyway.

[Gina Grad]

And I have to move and then I ramble and I gotta go.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, man, you never know when he's passing through that town again.

[Gina Grad]

What was the matter with us?

[Brian Bishop]

Does I have no idea. Oh, oh, oh.

[Gina Grad]

What is this?

[Brian Bishop]

Young girl better run. You're much too young. You're too young. Burton Cummings. Even his last name talks about ejaculate. Burton's coming again. Oh, this. This is Gary Puckett. That's right. Burton coming to the Union Gap, right? Or is there a Gary Puckett in the Union Gap? Where's Burton coming? You kept the secret of your youth. Maybe you're 15. You led him to believe you're old enough to give him love.

[Gina Grad]

This guy rested right then he's singing about what he did.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Young girl, get out of my mind. This is the.

[Gina Grad]

Guess who.

[Brian Bishop]

My love for you. No guess. Burton Cummings was the guest here. This is the Union Gap.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, felt much better.

[Brian Bishop]

Sounds like a place where you. Where racists would buy jeans. Or the Confederate Gap.

[Gina Grad]

That's where they.

[Brian Bishop]

That's where they buy the jeans. Yeah. Union Gaps. That's good.

[Gina Grad]

That's the black folks.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, jeans. You're just a baby.

[Gina Grad]

Baby in disguise.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's wrong to be Wrong to be alone with me. Listen to this. That come on look is in your eyes. Oh, young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of mud.

[Gina Grad]

You know what I realized? 70 is a great time to be a pedophile and a sociopath.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Their other song is this Girl's a Woman now, which is a good. He made her into a woman by raping her.

[Gina Grad]

Think about what a great.

[Brian Bishop]

And then there's Lady Willpower too, which is like, I'm gonna sex you down. Oh, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Even though you'll want to.

[Brian Bishop]

Your mother, I'm sure she wonders where you are. Here comes the pride. Here comes the declaration of rape. Right here. Out of here before I have the time to change my mind. Cause he's afraid. They're going, oh, yeah, I'm gonna rape your ass. You don't get moving, girl. Get out of my mind. Must have been a great pitch with like, his manager. No, no, no. I'm saying I'd like to rape a teenager. I'm not saying I raped her. I'm saying I want to. And I'm going to rape a teenager.

[Gina Grad]

Back then. Sociopath, pedophile, that's what we value.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen to me. I'm, I'm. Listen. I have a daughter as well. I'm not saying I'd like her rape.

[Gina Grad]

Seen her in five years.

[Brian Bishop]

The song is about a guy who's thinking about raping a 14 year old but decides not to. Do you understand? Big difference. Big difference there. He's saying, I'm gonna rape you, but I'm tired, you understand? But he's not saying he's raped her. Big difference there. Number two on billboard, by the way.

[Gina Grad]

No, but. Yes, but what's I. People that weren't alive then cannot appreciate what we're saying.

[Brian Bishop]

I love that. I'm telling you. Lady Willpower is March 68th, baby. Lady Willpower is great.

[Gina Grad]

It got worse as the 70s came along.

[Brian Bishop]

Young girl. And this girl, he's telling you, you give your love to me now or never. Yeah, yeah. Must have been funny when Gary Pocket. Oh, you gotta listen. Yeah, it must have been funny when.

[Gina Grad]

You get a picture of Gary Puckett up. I gotta see this guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

What happened to him? Get some history, too. What? Really? What prison is he in?

[Brian Bishop]

He's afraid of what he might have on his mind.

[Gina Grad]

Little girl, you're worried about video games and violence. This was going on in the 60s and 70s.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, look.

[Gina Grad]

Look at that.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I'll take good care of your Love, if you will let me give you mine. Oh, yeah. All right. I need, I need this, this, this. I need this girl as a woman now.

[Gina Grad]

Click on Gary Pucket there too.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold on.

[Gina Grad]

Click on him.

[Brian Bishop]

Just. The point is this. This girl's a woman now. I just like to be a session musician through folks over here. She had little pigtails and stuff. World without rapists. Sandbox world without. But now existing in a playground of stone.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, literally. Literally a playground.

[Brian Bishop]

Overnight, her world was changed.

[Gina Grad]

The rapist showed up. I can't even believe this.

[Brian Bishop]

Never going to walk the same. That's right. After Gary, I'll see her in the.

[Gina Grad]

Psych hospitals ten years years later.

[Brian Bishop]

This girl is a woman now.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, she's 12. She's a woman now. Come on, click on Gary Pocket for me. Get his Wikipedia up there. I gotta see this.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen, I need to know where she's from.

[Gina Grad]

Prison.

[Brian Bishop]

She's found out. Listen to this. Listen, I. I just, just love to be one of the session musicians where Gary Puckett and the Union Gap would, like, show up and like. All right, guys, Gary's written another song. Let me guess, let me guess. This one about the Civil War. No, this is about the deflowering of.

[Gina Grad]

I'm shocked just looking at Wikipedia. Resides in Florida. Clear water. Clear water. But there was. Was. There was a separate Wikipedia for him.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, just listen to the lyrics. No.

[Teresa Strasser]

Vomiting.

[Brian Bishop]

Child had died.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you killed it.

[Brian Bishop]

They killed the child with his cock. He stabbed the child. She learned how to love, bro.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, this. This is like taboo too. It really is. Same, same. Kind of a glorification of this crap.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? She found out what it's all about the hard way.

[Gina Grad]

Get the Taboo 2 song up. You'll see. It's the same.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn. Hold on, let me hear this. All right. She lived in a playground without pedophiles. And then, you know, overnight she became a woman.

[Gina Grad]

Not overnight.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, in an instant. Well, there you go. All right. Again. God, it be funny.

[Gina Grad]

Like stepdaughters have been. Oh, I can't.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, another song. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Taboo too, is what we need. Just so people had a brother, you'd him, wouldn't you?

[Brian Bishop]

All right, but this wasn't number two on the Billboard chart.

[Gina Grad]

All right, this is your favorite song, though.

[Brian Bishop]

It is.

[Gina Grad]

A lot of young boys are suckled at the teat of this song.

[Brian Bishop]

It's true. But this song did not have pop, you know, did not enjoy the kind of common popularity it was on the Billboard. Yeah. All right.

[Gina Grad]

The point is, the culture was infused with this crap in the 70s infused.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Remember when we started this conversation? Your poor dad in front of his trailer.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

In those crazy pants, watering his lawn. He was infected by all this.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, except for he couldn't get laid.

[Gina Grad]

But yeah, he's infected by it all.

[Brian Bishop]

I just love the idea that. Gary Pocket. I just would love the band meetings. All right, I've been writing. Let me guess. About what? Gary. Well, now, hold on, hold on. I'm going a new direction. All right, this one is called you haven't started your period yet, but I'm still going to fuck you in the ass. Okay. All right. Too far. Too much.

[Kyle Kanane]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

This is my thing.

[Gina Grad]

People love this thing.

[Brian Bishop]

That's why I sing about it.

[Gina Grad]

Hit the billboard with the last one about the 14 year old. Yeah, let's push the envelope a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

Mm.

[Gina Grad]

Mm.

[Brian Bishop]

This one's called I got enough pubes for the both of us. Okay. This is a. What? No, we're not writing a song about what it's like to be on the road with a hard working band. That's. That's done way too much. Unless.

[Gina Grad]

Unless the.

[Brian Bishop]

Unless there's some statutory rape.

[Gina Grad]

Playground at a dirt road.

[Brian Bishop]

Phil, I'm listening. You say we stop in Baltimore and rape teens. All right. Okay. All right. All right.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

That's all right. They were punished by multiple platinum records. Hey, hey. The guy had pipes.

[Gina Grad]

Our kids are gonna have it so much better.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, they'll have fucking chicks singing, screaming at fat chicks that they're beautiful.

[Gina Grad]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

That's every fucking song is some fucking chick talking about empowering other chicks.

[Gina Grad]

Nah, I'm saying it's better now.

[Brian Bishop]

Nah. I call it fashion, but I miss the statutory rape songs.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Adam Kolla Show897. Coming up next, we have Adam Kolla Show 1546. David Alan Greer, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop, 2015 road.

[Brian Bishop]

Hardmovie.com or AdamCarol.com you can watch how.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Much you guys made so far and are you giving back to all the people that donated? Because. I know. I want to know.

[Brian Bishop]

I have not made any money.

[Kyle Kanane]

Why do you laugh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because that's kind of like. No, seriously, how much did you make? And are you giving your investors just a little bite of all the millions you made? Why are they turning my mic off? I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello. Hello.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So far, getting the old stink eye.

[Brian Bishop]

The only person that has not made any money is me. That. Wait, so far, the only person I made any money. I got about 2. But how do you buy thousand hours into it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Buying the big time cars. The 800,000 for this. Paul Stanley's Bucatti. You know, the big race cars. You got the. Hey dag, look at my new building. You know who pays for that? Because I.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you know, my dad's a hedge fund guy. Holy mackerel. Did you know that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't. I thought he played trumpet.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it trumpet or corn? He does, but that's just what he does on the side. Is it called the welfare fund? It plays a flugelhorn, which is not totally different from the trumpet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is not.

[Brian Bishop]

No. The reason what pays for all that is the spike TV shows. What? I'm sorry. The books. That's why I do all that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, should we do a little news?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do it.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's do some news.

[Kyle Kanane]

Give me the news with Grab. News with Gino.

[Brian Bishop]

Grab a show.

[Kyle Kanane]

Big Congress Tech news, sports news, World news. Give me news with Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

Weird out of Florida sex surveys.

[Kyle Kanane]

Obama need News with Gina. The news with Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

Graduation.

[Allison Rosen]

So I don't know if you've heard of revenge porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, I have.

[Allison Rosen]

So good.

[Brian Bishop]

I invented it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you kidding me?

[Allison Rosen]

Christopher. Kevin. Christopher Bolert may disagree with you because he has been sentenced to 18 years in state prison. According to Gawker, the San Diego man ran the website yougotposted.com where users and hackers could anonymously post nude photos and personal information of people, always, almost always women, without their consent. And then the victims would have to pay around 350 bucks on a site called changemyreputation.com to get their pictures taken down. He was convicted on 21 counts of identity theft and six counts of extortion.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, 18 years.

[Allison Rosen]

18 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You answered my question. So it wasn't the revenge porn site. It was that he actually was just. This was a ruse to extend.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he double dipped. Well, but the best part, they said on an average he earned about 900 bucks a month.

[Brian Bishop]

So.

[Allison Rosen]

Hardly seems worth it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What an idiot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, about 10,000 images were uploaded.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't there gonna be an opportunity to revenge porn this guy? He's going to prison. You know, he's gonna get porked in the bunghole there. Yeah, he's gonna be a camera. Because these prisoners are very sophisticated. Post that double dip back to him. You know, you don't want to see Rashawn, you know, driving at home to mama. Give me $37, guys. I'm putting it out there. There's an opportunity.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe they'll have to put money on his canteen.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't. You know, I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hold on. Bald Bryan, that was fucking funny. You just stared at me because this new fake Theresa's just slinging them, she's coming with hard balls and you are shutting her down. Very funny. By the way, I like your sweats. Go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

I was. Yeah, I said it. I was. Can I get some more Mangria? God damn it. I was in my kitchen this morning, standing at the refrigerator in my bathrobe. My daughter handed me her phone because she was talking to her friend Cammie and she wanted to film her in her dress. She was wearing her Easter dress.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, she talks to her friends on the phone?

[Brian Bishop]

She talks to her friends on her cell phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She has her own cell phone? At 8?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. Why? I don't fucking know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why does she need a phone at 8?

[Brian Bishop]

I just pay for everything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know what I got news for. She doesn't fucking believe in the Easter Bunny.

[Kyle Kanane]

Okay?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's got a cell phone.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I say this?

[Allison Rosen]

Google it.

[Brian Bishop]

Has this been going on for like a thousand years? Like, where someone would go, like, why does a 10 year old need his own Wagon Wheel? I don't get it. I don't get it. He doesn't even have a wheelchair.

[Giovanni]

My daughter.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know. I don't know anything other than I pay for everything. And that's all I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Eight years old. You are losing control.

[Brian Bishop]

So I'm standing at the refrigerator and I'm trying to get out some milk for my coffee. And my daughter hands me the phone and says, get a shot of me. Cami wants to see what I look like in my dress.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Cammie has a phone, too?

[Brian Bishop]

Evidently.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Holy shit.

[Brian Bishop]

Cammie's a 31 year old Puerto Rican.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, I was gonna say, right?

[Brian Bishop]

And I'm holding this phone, standing in my bathrobe, trying to. I thinking I'm filming my daughter. Except for I'm looking at Cami's picture. Post it, side stamp at the top. You're on a list, dude. And I'm trying to think, like, what's going on? Like, and how is anything ever gonna stay private? And how's everything not gonna just end up on the cloud? And is there what, you know, we all need to do? I think this would solve a lot of problems. We all need to schedule one afternoon out of the year. This is for everybody who lives in the United States. You get a DNA swab. Where we'll get some DNA. We'll put that in the data bank. No more arguing about fingerprints or any of this left behind or ACL fucking you or anything. Just everyone's DNA. All in the bank. All in the bank. And then while we're there, while we're there, we are going to have a videotape where you put on a baby bonnet, clown shoes, and you're raped with a mop handle. That'll be everybody. Every human being, everybody. And it's just there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it gonna be a condom on the mop handle?

[Brian Bishop]

No. No. But we'll use a new mop. Or we'll wipe it. We'll spray down Purell, whatever it is. Ooh, the Purell would hurt worse. Well, no water soluble Purell. We're gonna take Purell and we're gonna mix it with Astraglide. Okay? Okay. Either way. And then whatever happens about you having sex with your boyfriend when you're 19 and it getting tossed up on the. Or whatever racially based tirade you went on at a club or whatever it is, the question will have to be asked. Is it going to be worse than you being violated with the mop handle, wearing the baby bonnet and the clown shoes? Answer will be no. That'll be equal playing field. Moving on. There'll be nothing. That's a well thought out plan. Thank you. Thank you. Who's first?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's going first, guys?

[Brian Bishop]

We'll go alphabetically, okay? Adam, wait. Shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, let us know what happens.

[Brian Bishop]

Bad news for me.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Gina Grad and David Alan Grier For 2015, Gina's first year on the show, along with Brian Bishop. Coming up for our final clip today, we have adam Krolish Show 1958 featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This was from 2016. This is Gina's second year on the program. And this is Greg with a very embarrassing story like only Greg can do. Check it out.

[Brian Bishop]

Go out. Check out Fitz Dog always delivers. Just told us a funny joke in the hall. Would you like to tell everyone your funny joke?

[Gary]

Well, listen, you know, a lot of guys, A lot of guys talk about. We were talking about Adam's got this beard which is like mine. It's coming in in a lot of colors.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

And. And if you wear it, I shaved mine. And Gina, can you see the welts?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, there's a few. Yeah.

[Gary]

I look a little aidsy, a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

Little lesiony.

[Gary]

And you know, the post shave you need. There's gonna be some issues underneath the beard after you haven't shaved in a while. And I Was talking about how guys all like to shave their balls. And they go, yeah, you know, my. My girl likes how it feels. And I say, yeah, she likes how it feels the first night. Four nights later, it feels like you're spanking in there in taint with a cactus. Can you relate to that?

[Allison Rosen]

Preach, brother.

[Brian Bishop]

Take us to church. Amen. That's why you gotta go see Fitz Dog and bring the kids as well. It's a family affair.

[Gary]

Shave them all up.

[Brian Bishop]

There's this horrible bus accident and I think five or six kids died. Six at least. Yeah, it was a big bad bus accident. And I don't see. All I want out of life is consistency, which is. I can't. I'll give you an example. A million years ago, we did a man show wrap party at a bowling alley. It was Kirkwood Bowling Alley on Ventura Boulevard. That and at a certain point when everyone was drinking, everyone decided to smoke. Because that's how it works in this town. Everyone gets drunk and then they want to go smoke a cigarette. But you can't smoke a cigarette in a bowling alley, for Christ's sake. I would argue that they should be grandfathered in. Like when I was a kid, people are exercising. When I was a kid, you'd go to a bowling alley, they would hand you a cigarette as you walked in.

[Allison Rosen]

That old poly machine.

[Brian Bishop]

Bowling and smoking go together, but either way, can't smoke in the bowling alley. Fine. Kirkwood. The way the bowling alley was, is Ventura Boulevard was a street and it didn't have a Ventura entrance. The entrance was in about 50ft from Ventura Boulevard and it was off the parking lot. And they have an awning and a bench and a whatever. And so everybody at a certain point when they got good and liquored up is going to go outside and share a cigarette with their beer. Except for you can't walk outside of Kirkwood Bowling Alley holding a beer even though you're in the parking lot. You're not on the fucking street. But you can't be trusted. These are adults. These are adults. Mid 30s at the time, gainfully employed. We rented the place out for a party. It's our place, essentially. And everyone has to set their beer down on the carpet next to the front door and then go out and smoke and then try to decide whose beer is hers or his when they come back in. Because we're safety oriented. Except for none of our school buses have seat belts. Other than that, we're in the same.

[Gary]

Oh, yeah, that's. It's amazing.

[Brian Bishop]

There's no Headrest and there's no seatbelt in the school bus. Yeah, but other than that it's safety, safety, safety and more safety. There's clicketer ticket for you on the highway, you with the airbags, you with the headrest, you with the crumple zones, you with all your stuff. It's clicketer ticket, clicket or ticket, clicket or ticket. But in the box that carries the kids, no very casual attitude towards safety. So I think six kids are dead now. I. And here's my old thing. We should be able to go fuck you to everything until you put the seatbelts in the school bus, right?

[Gary]

Well, they've got the, they're high backed seats covered in rubber.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, now they are. Half of them are low bench or still the low boy. I mean just go up to the kid's shoulder. I don't know how many are on the road.

[Giovanni]

School.

[Gary]

Yeah, the old ones had the high back. I used to sit in the back row. I went to. I don't know if I think I might have told you this once before. I was, I went to a school and it was all Catholic schoolgirls on the bus because I went to a private school that was about 20 minutes away. So back then, for whatever reason, if you lived a certain distance from school, even if it wasn't the public school, they still had to provide transportation. So it was a giant long bus filled with girls with short plaid skirts and white socks pulled up to the knees. But that little front part of the thigh. In the afternoon the sun would come in and it would just graze the blonde hair on the front of the tan thigh.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

And the Fitz dog sat in the back row.

[Brian Bishop]

Young, 28 year old Fitz dog who drove that bus took notice, sit in the back row.

[Gary]

And the Fitz dog used to pleasure himself on the way home from school.

[Brian Bishop]

Gary, you hear this? You've been beat in the transportation department. That's your game, buddy. Gary, beat. I made this insane comment once which is, well, you know, sort of who beats off in the bathroom of an airplane? And Gary quickly chimed in with one of these. Who says you need to use the bathroom?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh my God.

[Brian Bishop]

Now Corollas don't fly, but if they did, it would surely be coach or there would be something form of steering. Like they would ask, could we go below? Yeah.

[Gary]

Is there an or?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but I can't imagine a world like I can imagine a world where my seat reclines 4 inches and the other guy uses it like the old person uses a towel bar to get off The. Every time they got to get up, it's like. You do realize there's a human being sleeping here. I know. This is. Oh, how convenient. There's a leather covered lift bar that's in front of my stupid car. Understand there's another human being who's watching a movie, who's you're doing that to constantly. Like, does that run through your mind? But I said, how can you beat off? Like, I'm picturing himself, like, making a teepee of the USA Today or something, like, above him or something. He's like, you get the pod, you go international, you get the pod.

[Gary]

That's it.

[Brian Bishop]

And I'm like, that's it. I say Fitz dog trumps you on the bus, though. I mean, that's more bravado. Tougher pot. He was 4ft from terra firma. Tougher pot, but.

[Allison Rosen]

But today, 2016, it would be viewed as sexual assault. So I think you would be.

[Gary]

I would be knocking on doors for the rest of my life every time I moved.

[Allison Rosen]

I totally did that.

[Brian Bishop]

I was in international waters. Over an ocean. Come on.

[Gary]

You were safe. I was feet. Feet from a Catholic girl. And I would. And the driver, Kenny, this big black guy from Louisiana, we, on the mornings, I'd sit in the front row and we'd talk muscle cars. He had a 69 Mustang fastback. And then I'd sit in the back row on the way home, and just leisurely, I'd put in a long day at school. I'd studied hard. Gym class, earned it, Study hall. And now it's time. They didn't serve drinks on the bus. So you gotta unwind somehow. And I just stroke one out. And Kenny would be looking at me in that mirror like, fitz Dog, what are you doing back there? What you doing back there, Dog.

[Brian Bishop]

It's dog with a W. While Gary's is more grand, Fitz dog's is by far more daring.

[Gary]

Well, there was also a slit. And it was the big, high rubber seats, so there was a slit in the vinyl back there. And I used to bring toilet paper from school and then. And then I'd work it out onto the toilet paper, and then I'd jam it into the crease and it would fall down into the back. So by the end of the school year.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, the back of the bus. The very back. Oh. So that weird spot area, there's nowhere, but that's against the back of the bus. So it would accumulate. Yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

That thing went up in flame at some point.

[Allison Rosen]

This is kindling.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll tell you like, one thing. The seat's 22 years old now.

[Giovanni]

It's the funniest seat in the class.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, we talk a lot about, you know, the haves and the have nots and. Or, like, you know, out here, it's like the poor Latina who's gonna clean your toilets or whatever it is. But handling jizz that's not your own is really something that rich whitey doesn't really have to think that much.

[Giovanni]

That's a rich man, poor man, right there.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you in a lab, the reproductive center for rich folks, or you're mopping out Fitz Dog's bus?

[Giovanni]

All right, this is Adam Carlisle Show, 1958, with the great Grapefruit Simmons. Gotta love it when he shares these embarrassing stories on air. Until tomorrow, mahalo. And get it on.